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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12130-0.txt b/12130-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..144ec81 --- /dev/null +++ b/12130-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,551 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12130 *** + +THE LADY OF THE BARGE + +AND OTHER STORIES + +By W. W. Jacobs + + + + +AN ADULTERATION ACT + + +Dr. Frank Carson had been dreaming tantalizing dreams of cooling, +effervescent beverages. Over and over again in his dreams he had risen +from his bed, and tripping lightly down to the surgery in his pajamas, +mixed himself something long and cool and fizzy, without being able to +bring the dream to a satisfactory termination. + +With a sudden start he awoke. The thirst was still upon him; the +materials for quenching it, just down one flight of stairs. He would +have smacked his lips at the prospect if they had been moist enough to +smack; as it was, he pushed down the bedclothes, and throwing one leg out +of bed-became firmly convinced that he was still dreaming. + +For the atmosphere was stifling and odorous, and the ceiling descended in +an odd bulging curve to within a couple of feet of his head. Still half +asleep, he raised his fist and prodded at it in astonishment--a feeling +which gave way to one of stupefaction as the ceiling took another shape +and swore distinctly. + +"I must be dreaming," mused the doctor; "even the ceiling seems alive." + +He prodded it again-regarding it closely this time. The ceiling at once +rose to greater altitudes, and at the same moment an old face with bushy +whiskers crawled under the edge of it, and asked him profanely what he +meant by it. It also asked him whether he wanted something for himself, +because, if so, he was going the right way to work. + +"Where am I?" demanded the bewildered doctor. "Mary! Mary!" + +He started up in bed, and brought his head in sudden violent contact with +the ceiling. Then, before the indignant ceiling could carry out its +threat of a moment before, he slipped out of bed and stood on a floor +which was in its place one moment and somewhere else the next. + +In the smell of bilge-water, tar, and the foetid atmosphere generally his +clouded brain awoke to the fact that he was on board ship, but resolutely +declined to inform him how he got there. He looked down in disgust at +the ragged clothes which he had on in lieu of the usual pajamas; and +then, as events slowly pieced themselves together in his mind, +remembered, as the last thing that he could remember, that he had warned +his friend Harry Thomson, solicitor, that if he had any more to drink it +would not be good for him. + +He wondered dimly as he stood whether Thomson was there too, and walking +unsteadily round the forecastle, roused the sleepers, one by one, and +asked them whether they were Harry Thomson, all answering with much +fluency in the negative, until he came to one man who for some time made +no answer at all. + +The doctor shook him first and then punched him. Then he shook him again +and gave him little scientific slaps, until at length Harry Thomson, in a +far-away voice, said that he was all right. + +"Well, I'm glad I'm not alone," said the doctor, selfishly. "_Harry! +Harry! Wake up!_" + +"All ri'!" said the sleeper; "I'm all ri'!" + +The doctor shook him again, and then rolled him backward and forward in +his bunk. Under this gentle treatment the solicitor's faculties were +somewhat brightened, and, half opening his eyes, he punched viciously at +the disturber of his peace, until threatening voices from the gloom +promised to murder both of them. + +"Where are we?" demanded the doctor, of a deep voice from the other side +of the forecastle which had been particularly threatening. + +"Barque _Stella,_ o' course," was the reply. "Where'd you think you +was?" + +The doctor gripped the edge of his friend's bunk and tried to think; +then, a feeling of nausea overcoming all others, he clambered hurriedly +up the forecastle ladder and lurched to the side of the vessel. + +He leaned there for some time without moving, a light breeze cooling his +fevered brow, and a small schooner some little distance from them playing +seesaw, as he closed his eyes to the heaving blue sea. Land was +conspicuous by its absence, and with a groan he turned and looked about +him--at the white scrubbed deck, the snowy canvas towering aloft on +lazily creaking spars, and the steersman leaning against the wheel +regarding the officer who stood near by. + +Dr. Carson, feeling a little better, walked sternly aft, the officer +turning round and glancing in surprise at his rags as he approached. + +"I beg your pardon," began the doctor, in superior tones. + +"And what the devil do you want?" demanded the second officer; "who told +you to come along here?" + +"I want to know what this means," said the doctor, fiercely. "How dare +you kidnap us on your beastly bilge-tank?" + +"Man's mad," murmured the astonished second officer. + +"Insufferable outrage!" continued the doctor. "Take us back to +Melbourne at once." + +"You get for'ard," said the other sharply; "get for'ard, and don't let me +have any more of your lip." + +"I want to see the captain of this ship," cried the doctor; "go and fetch +him at once." + +The second officer gazed at him, limp with astonishment, and then turned +to the steersman, as though unable to believe his ears. The steersman +pointed in front of him, and the other gave a cry of surprise and rage as +he saw another tatterdemalion coming with uncertain steps toward him. + +"Carson," said the new arrival, feebly; and coming closer to his friend, +clung to him miserably. + +"I'm just having it out with 'em, Thomson," said the doctor, +energetically. "My friend here is a solicitor. Tell him what 'll happen +if they don't take us back, Harry." + +"You seem to be unaware, my good fellow," said the solicitor, covering a +large hole in the leg of his trousers with his hand, "of the very +dangerous situation in which you have placed yourselves. We have no +desire to be harsh with you--" + +"Not at all," acquiesced the doctor, nodding at the second officer. + +"At the same time," continued Mr. Thomson--"at the--" He let go his +friend's arm and staggered away; the doctor gazed after him +sympathetically. + +[Illustration: HE SAW ANOTHER TATTERDEMALION COMING TOWARDS HIM.] + +"His digestion is not all it should be," he said to the second officer, +confidentially. + +"If you don't get for'ard in two twos," said that gentleman, explosively, +"I'll knock your heads off." + +The doctor gazed at him in haughty disdain, and taking the limp Thomson +by the arm, led him slowly away. + +"How did we get here?" asked Mr. Harry Thomson, feebly. + +The doctor shook his head. + +"How did we get these disgusting clothes on?" continued his friend. + +The doctor shook his head again. "The last thing I can remember, Harry," +he said, slowly, "was imploring you not to drink any more." + +"I didn't hear you," said the solicitor, crustily; "your speech was very +indistinct last night." + +"Seemed so to you, I dare say," said the other. + +Mr. Thomson shook his arm off, and clinging to the mainmast, leaned his +cheek against it and closed his eyes. He opened them again at the sound +of voices, and drew himself up as he saw the second officer coming along +with a stern-visaged man of about fifty. + +"Are you the master of this vessel?" inquired the doctor, stepping to +his friend's side. + +"What the blazes has that got to do with you?" demanded the skipper. +"Look here, my lads; don't you play any of your little games on me, +because they won't do. You're both of you as drunk as owls." + +"Defamation of character," said the solicitor, feebly, to his friend. + +"Allow me," said the doctor, with his best manner, "to inquire what all +this means. I am Dr. Frank Carson, of Melbourne; this gentleman is my +friend Mr. Thomson, of the same place, solicitor." + +"What?" roared the skipper, the veins in his forehead standing out. +"Doctor! Solicitor! Why, you damned rascals, you shipped with me as +cook and A. B." + +"There's some mistake," said the doctor. "I'm afraid I shall have to ask +you to take us back. I hope you haven't come far." + +"Take those scarecrows away," cried the skipper, hoarsely; "take them +away before I do them a mischief. I'll have the law of somebody for +shipping two useless lubbers as seamen. Look to me like pickpockets." + +"You shall answer for this," said Carson, foaming; "we're professional +men, and we're not going to be abused by a bargee." + +"Let him talk," said Mr. Thomson, hurriedly drawing his friend away from +the irate skipper. "Let him talk." + +"I'll put you both in quod when we get to Hong-kong," said the skipper. +"Meantime, no work, no food; d'ye hear? Start and cook the breakfast, +Mr. Doctor; and you. Mr. Lawyer, turn to and ask the boy to teach you an +A. B's duties." + +He walked back to the cabin; and the new cook was slowly pushed toward +the galley by the second officer, the new A. B., under the same gentle +guidance, being conducted back to the forecastle. + +Fortunately for the new seamen the weather continued fine, but the heat +of the galley was declared by the new cook to be insupportable. From the +other hands they learned that they had been shipped with several others +by a resourceful boarding-house master. The other hands, being men of +plain speech, also said that they were brought aboard in a state of +beastly and enviable intoxication, and chaffed crudely when the doctor +attributed their apparent state of intoxication to drugs. + +"You say you're a doctor?" said the oldest seaman. + +"I am," said Carson, fiercely. + +"Wot sort of a doctor are you, if you don't know when your licker's been +played with, then?" asked the old man, as a grin passed slowly from mouth +to mouth. + +"I suppose it is because I drink so seldom," said the doctor, loftily. +"I hardly know the taste of liquor myself, while as for my friend Mr. +Thomson, you might almost call him a teetotaler. + +"Next door to one," said the solicitor, who was sewing a patch on his +trousers, as he looked up approvingly. + +"You might call 'im a sailor, if you liked," said another seaman, "but +that wouldn't make him one. All I can say is I never 'ad enough time or +money to get in the state you was both in when you come aboard." + +If the forecastle was incredulous, the cabin was worse. The officers at +first took but little notice of them, but feeling their torn and tattered +appearance was against them, they put on so many airs and graces to +counteract this that flesh and blood could not endure it quietly. The +cook would allude to his friend as Mr. Thomson, while the A. B. would +persist in referring, with a most affected utterance, to Dr. Carson. + +"Cook!" bawled the skipper one day when they were about a week out. + +Dr. Carson, who was peeling potatoes, stepped slowly out of the galley +and went toward him. + +"You say 'Sir,' when you're spoken to," said the skipper, fiercely. + +The doctor sneered. + +"My --- if you sneer at me, I'll knock your head off!" said the other, +with a wicked look. + +"When you get back to Melbourne," said the doctor, quietly, "you'll hear +more of this." + +"You're a couple of pickpockets aping the gentleman," said the skipper, +and he turned to the mate. "Mr. Mackenzie, what do these two ragamuffins +look like?" + +"Pickpockets," said the mate, dutifully. + +"It's a very handy thing," said the old man, jeeringly, "to have a doctor +aboard. First time I've carried a surgeon." + +Mr. Mackenzie guffawed loudly. + +"And a solicitor," said the skipper, gazing darkly at the hapless Harry +Thomson, who was cleaning brasswork. "Handy in case of disputes. He's a +real sea lawyer. _Cook!_" + +"Sir?" said the doctor, quietly. + +"Go down and tidy my cabin, and see you do it well." + +The doctor went below without a word, and worked like a housemaid. When +he came on deck again, his face wore a smile almost of happiness, and his +hand caressed one trousers pocket as though it concealed a hidden weapon. + +For the following three or four days the two unfortunates were worked +unceasingly. Mr. Thomson complained bitterly, but the cook wore a +sphinx-like smile and tried to comfort him. + +"It won't be for long, Harry," he said, consolingly. + +The solicitor sniffed. "I could write tract after tract on temperance," +he said, bitterly. "I wonder what our poor wives are thinking? I expect +they have put us down as dead." + +"Crying their eyes out," said the doctor, wistfully; "but they'll dry +them precious quick when we get back, and ask all sorts of questions. +What are you going to say, Harry?" + +"The truth," said the solicitor, virtuously. + +"So am I," said his friend; "but mind, we must both tell the same tale, +whatever it is. Halloa! what's the matter?" + +"It's the skipper," said the boy, who had just run up; "he wants to see +you at once. He's dying." + +He caught hold of the doctor by the sleeve; but Carson, in his most +professional manner, declined to be hurried. He went leisurely down the +companion-ladder, and met with a careless glance the concerned faces of +the mate and second officer. + +"Come to the skipper at once," said the mate. + +"Does he want to see me?" said the doctor, languidly, as he entered the +cabin. + +The skipper was lying doubled up in his bunk, his face twisted with pain. +"Doctor," he panted, "give me something quick. There's the medicine- +chest." + +"Do you want some food, sir?" inquired the other, respectfully. + +"Food be damned!" said the sufferer. "I want physic. There's the +medicine-chest." The doctor took it up and held it out to him. "I don't +want the lot," moaned the skipper. + +"I want you to give me something for red-hot corkscrews in the inside." + +"I beg your pardon," said the doctor, humbly; "I'm only the cook." + +"If you--don't--prescribe for me at once," said the skipper, "I'll put +you in irons." + +The doctor shook his head. "I shipped as cook," he said, slowly. + +"Give me something, for Heaven's sake!" said the skipper, humbly. "I'm +dying." The doctor pondered. + +"If you dinna treat him at once, I'll break your skull," said the mate, +persuasively. + +The doctor regarded him scornfully, and turned to the writhing skipper. + +"My fee is half a guinea a visit," he said, softly; "five shillings if +you come to me." + +"I'll have half a guinea's worth," said the agonized skipper. + +The doctor took his wrist, and calmly drew the second officer's watch +from its owner's pocket. Then he inspected the sick man's tongue, and +shaking his head, selected a powder from the chest. + +"You mustn't mind its being nasty," he said. "Where's a spoon?" + +He looked round for one, but the skipper took the powder from his hand, +and licked it from the paper as though it had been sherbet. + +"For mercy's sake don't say it's cholera," he gasped. + +"I won't say anything," said the doctor. "Where did you say the money +was?" + +The skipper pointed to his trousers, and Mr. Mackenzie, his national +spirit rising in hot rage, took out the agreed amount and handed it to +the physician. + +"Am I in danger?" said the skipper. + +"There's always danger," said the doctor, in his best bedside manner. +"Have you made your will?" + +The other, turning pale, shook his head. "Perhaps you'd like to see a +solicitor?" said Carson, in winning tones. + +"I'm not bad enough for that," said the skipper, stoutly. + +"You must stay here and nurse the skipper, Mr. Mackenzie," said Carson, +turning to the mate; "and be good enough not to make that snuffling +noise; it's worrying to an invalid." + +"Snuffling noise?" repeated the horror-struck mate. + +"Yes; you've got an unpleasant habit of snuffling," said the doctor; "it +worries me sometimes, I meant to speak to you about it before. You +mustn't do it here. If you want to snuffle, go and snuffle on deck." + +The frenzied outburst of the mate was interrupted by the skipper. "Don't +make that noise in my cabin, Mr. Mackenzie," he said, severely. + +Both mates withdrew in dudgeon, and Carson, after arranging the +sufferer's bedclothes, quitted the cabin and sought his friend. Mr. +Thomson was at first incredulous, but his eyes glistened brightly at the +sight of the half-sovereign. + +"Better hide it," he said, apprehensively; "the skipper 'll have it back +when he gets well; it's the only coin we've got." + +"He won't get well," said Dr. Carson, easily; "not till we get to Hong- +kong, that is." + +"What's the matter with him?" whispered the solicitor. + +The doctor, evading his eye, pulled a long face and shook his head. "It +may be the cooking," he said, slowly. "I'm not a good cook, I admit. It +might be something got into the food from the medicine-chest. I +shouldn't be at all surprised if the mates are taken bad too." + +And indeed at that very moment the boy came rushing to the galley again, +bawling out that Mr. Mackenzie was lying flat on his stomach in his bunk, +punching the air with his fists and rending it with his language. The +second officer appeared on deck as he finished his tale, and glancing +forward, called out loudly for the cook. + +"You're wanted, Frank," said the solicitor. + +"When he calls me doctor, I'll go," said the other, stiffly. + +"_Cook!_" bawled the second officer. "_Cook!_ COOK!" + +He came running forward, his face red and angry, and his fist doubled. +"Didn't you hear me calling you?" he demanded, fiercely. + +"I've been promoted," said Carson, sweetly. "I'm ship's surgeon now." + +"Come down below at once, or I'll take you there by the scruff of your +neck," vociferated the other. + +"You're not big enough, little man," said the doctor, still smiling. +"Well, well, lead the way, and we'll see what we can do." + +He followed the speechless second officer below, and found the boy's +description of the first officer's state as moonlight unto sunlight, as +water unto wine. Even the second officer was appalled at the spectacle, +and ventured a protest. + +"Gie me something at once," yelled Mr. Mackenzie. + +"Do you wish me to undertake your case?" inquired the doctor, suavely. + +Mr. Mackenzie said that he did, in seven long, abusive, and wicked +sentences. + +"My fee is half a guinea," said the doctor, softly, poor people who +cannot afford more, mates and the like, I sometimes treat for less." + +"I'll die first," howled the mate; "you won't get any money out of me." + +"Very good," said the doctor, and rose to depart. + +"Bring him back, Rogers," yelled the mate; "don't let him go." + +But the second officer, with a strange awesome look in his eyes, was +leaning back in his seat, tightly gripping the edge of the table in both +hands. + +"Come, come," said the doctor, cheerily--"what's this? You mustn't be +ill, Rogers. I want you to nurse these other two." + +The other rose slowly to his feet and eyed him with lack-lustre eyes. +"Tell the third officer to take charge," he said, slowly; "and if he's to +he nurse as well, he's got his hands full." + +The doctor sent the boy to apprise the third officer of his +responsibilities, and then stood watching the extraordinary and snakelike +convolutions of Mr. Mackenzie. + +"How much--did--ye say?" hissed the latter. + +"Poor people," repeated the doctor, with relish, "five shillings a visit; +very poor people, half a crown." + +"I'll have half a crown's worth," moaned the miserable mate. + +"Mr. Mackenzie," said a faint voice from the skipper's cabin. + +"Sir?" yelled the mate, who was in torment. + +"Don't answer me like that, sir," said the skipper, sharply. "Will you +please to remember that I'm ill, and can't bear that horrible noise +you're making?" + +"I'm--ill--too," gasped the mate. + +"Ill? Nonsense!" said the skipper, severely. "We can't both be ill. +How about the ship?" + +There was no reply, but from another cabin the voice of Mr. Rogers was +heard calling wildly for medical aid, and offering impossible sums in +exchange for it. The doctor went from cabin to cabin, and, first +collecting his fees, administered sundry potions to the sufferers; and +then, in his capacity of cook, went forward and made an unsavory mess he +called gruel, which he insisted upon their eating. + +Thanks to his skill, the invalids were freed from the more violent of +their pains, but this freedom was followed by a weakness so alarming that +they could hardly raise their heads from their pillows--a state of things +which excited the intense envy of the third officer, who, owing to his +responsibilities, might just as well have been without one. + +In this state of weakness, and with the fear of impending dissolution +before his eyes, the skipper sent for Mr. Harry Thomson, and after some +comparisons between lawyers and sharks, in which stress was laid upon +certain redeeming features of the latter, paid a guinea and made his +will. His example, save in the amount of the fee, was followed by the +mate; but Mr. Rogers, being approached tentatively by the doctor in his +friend's behalf, shook his head and thanked his stars he had nothing to +leave. He had enjoyed his money, he said. + +They mended slowly as they approached Hong-kong, though a fit of temper +on Mr. Mackenzie's part, during which he threw out ominous hints about +having his money back, led to a regrettable relapse in his case. He was +still in bed when they came to anchor in the harbour; but the skipper and +his second officer were able to go above and exchange congratulations +from adjoining deck-chairs. + +"You are sure it wasn't cholera?" asked the harbour-master's deputy, who +had boarded them in his launch, after he had heard the story. + +"Positive," said Carson. + +"Very fortunate thing they had you on board," said the deputy--"very +fortunate." + +The doctor bowed. + +"Seems so odd, the three of them being down with it," said the other; +"looks as though it's infectious, doesn't it?" + +"I don't think so," said the doctor, accepting with alacrity an offer to +go ashore in the launch and change into some decent clothes. "I think I +know what it was." + +The captain of the _Stella_ pricked up his ears, and the second officer +leaned forward with parted lips. Carson, accompanied by the deputy and +the solicitor, walked toward the launch. + +"What was it?" cried the skipper, anxiously. + +[Illustration: THE SECOND OFFICER LEANED FORWARD] + +"I think that you ate something that disagreed with you," replied the +doctor, grinning meaningly. "Good-by, captain." + +The master of the _Stella_ made no reply, but rising feebly, tottered to +the side, and shook his fist at the launch as it headed for the shore. +Doctor Carson, who had had a pious upbringing, kissed his hand in return. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of An Adulteration Act, by W.W. Jacobs + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12130 *** diff --git a/12130-h.zip b/12130-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..91ccf28 --- /dev/null +++ b/12130-h.zip diff --git a/12130-h/007.jpg b/12130-h/007.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7dcad71 --- /dev/null +++ b/12130-h/007.jpg diff --git a/12130-h/008.jpg b/12130-h/008.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..170f688 --- /dev/null +++ b/12130-h/008.jpg diff --git a/12130-h/009.jpg b/12130-h/009.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3cb6aa --- /dev/null +++ b/12130-h/009.jpg diff --git a/12130-h/12130-h.htm b/12130-h/12130-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d48f4ce --- /dev/null +++ b/12130-h/12130-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1074 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>THE LADY OF THE BARGE AND OTHERS, Book 10</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=us-ascii"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of An Adulteration Act, by W.W. Jacobs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: An Adulteration Act + The Lady of the Barge and Others, Part 10. + +Author: W.W. Jacobs + +Release Date: April 22, 2004 [EBook #12130] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AN ADULTERATION ACT *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="cover.jpg (102K)" src="cover.jpg" height="923" width="738"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="title.jpg (40K)" src="title.jpg" height="602" width="442"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<center> +<h1>THE LADY OF THE BARGE<br><br> +AND OTHER STORIES</h1> +<br><br> +<h2>By W. W. Jacobs</h2> +<br><br> +<h3>BOOK 10</h3> +<br><br> +</center> + +<a name="frontis"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="frontis.jpg (80K)" src="frontis.jpg" height="742" width="503"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><br><br> + + + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<a name="c10"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<h2> +AN ADULTERATION ACT +</h2> +</center> +<br> + +<p>Dr. Frank Carson had been dreaming tantalizing dreams of cooling, +effervescent beverages. Over and over again in his dreams he had risen +from his bed, and tripping lightly down to the surgery in his pajamas, +mixed himself something long and cool and fizzy, without being able to +bring the dream to a satisfactory termination.</p> + +<p>With a sudden start he awoke. The thirst was still upon him; the +materials for quenching it, just down one flight of stairs. He would +have smacked his lips at the prospect if they had been moist enough to +smack; as it was, he pushed down the bedclothes, and throwing one leg out +of bed-became firmly convinced that he was still dreaming.</p> + +<p>For the atmosphere was stifling and odorous, and the ceiling descended in +an odd bulging curve to within a couple of feet of his head. Still half +asleep, he raised his fist and prodded at it in astonishment—a feeling +which gave way to one of stupefaction as the ceiling took another shape +and swore distinctly.</p> + +<p>"I must be dreaming," mused the doctor; "even the ceiling seems alive."</p> + +<p>He prodded it again-regarding it closely this time. The ceiling at once +rose to greater altitudes, and at the same moment an old face with bushy +whiskers crawled under the edge of it, and asked him profanely what he +meant by it. It also asked him whether he wanted something for himself, +because, if so, he was going the right way to work.</p> + +<p>"Where am I?" demanded the bewildered doctor. "Mary! Mary!"</p> + +<p>He started up in bed, and brought his head in sudden violent contact with +the ceiling. Then, before the indignant ceiling could carry out its +threat of a moment before, he slipped out of bed and stood on a floor +which was in its place one moment and somewhere else the next.</p> + +<p>In the smell of bilge-water, tar, and the foetid atmosphere generally his +clouded brain awoke to the fact that he was on board ship, but resolutely +declined to inform him how he got there. He looked down in disgust at +the ragged clothes which he had on in lieu of the usual pajamas; and +then, as events slowly pieced themselves together in his mind, +remembered, as the last thing that he could remember, that he had warned +his friend Harry Thomson, solicitor, that if he had any more to drink it +would not be good for him.</p> + +<p>He wondered dimly as he stood whether Thomson was there too, and walking +unsteadily round the forecastle, roused the sleepers, one by one, and +asked them whether they were Harry Thomson, all answering with much +fluency in the negative, until he came to one man who for some time made +no answer at all.</p> + +<p>The doctor shook him first and then punched him. Then he shook him again +and gave him little scientific slaps, until at length Harry Thomson, in a +far-away voice, said that he was all right.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm glad I'm not alone," said the doctor, selfishly. "<i>Harry! +Harry! Wake up!</i>"</p> + +<p>"All ri'!" said the sleeper; "I'm all ri'!"</p> + +<p>The doctor shook him again, and then rolled him backward and forward in +his bunk. Under this gentle treatment the solicitor's faculties were +somewhat brightened, and, half opening his eyes, he punched viciously at +the disturber of his peace, until threatening voices from the gloom +promised to murder both of them.</p> + +<p>"Where are we?" demanded the doctor, of a deep voice from the other side +of the forecastle which had been particularly threatening.</p> + +<p>"Barque <i>Stella,</i> o' course," was the reply. "Where'd you think you +was?"</p> + +<p>The doctor gripped the edge of his friend's bunk and tried to think; +then, a feeling of nausea overcoming all others, he clambered hurriedly +up the forecastle ladder and lurched to the side of the vessel.</p> + +<p>He leaned there for some time without moving, a light breeze cooling his +fevered brow, and a small schooner some little distance from them playing +seesaw, as he closed his eyes to the heaving blue sea. Land was +conspicuous by its absence, and with a groan he turned and looked about +him—at the white scrubbed deck, the snowy canvas towering aloft on +lazily creaking spars, and the steersman leaning against the wheel +regarding the officer who stood near by.</p> + +<p>Dr. Carson, feeling a little better, walked sternly aft, the officer +turning round and glancing in surprise at his rags as he approached.</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon," began the doctor, in superior tones.</p> + +<p>"And what the devil do you want?" demanded the second officer; "who told +you to come along here?"</p> + +<p>"I want to know what this means," said the doctor, fiercely. "How dare +you kidnap us on your beastly bilge-tank?"</p> + +<p>"Man's mad," murmured the astonished second officer.</p> + +<p>"Insufferable outrage!" continued the doctor. "Take us back to +Melbourne at once."</p> + +<p>"You get for'ard," said the other sharply; "get for'ard, and don't let me +have any more of your lip."</p> + +<p>"I want to see the captain of this ship," cried the doctor; "go and fetch +him at once."</p> + +<a name="007"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="007.jpg (100K)" src="007.jpg" height="779" width="542"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>The second officer gazed at him, limp with astonishment, and then turned +to the steersman, as though unable to believe his ears. The steersman +pointed in front of him, and the other gave a cry of surprise and rage as +he saw another tatterdemalion coming with uncertain steps toward him.</p> + +<p>"Carson," said the new arrival, feebly; and coming closer to his friend, +clung to him miserably.</p> + +<p>"I'm just having it out with 'em, Thomson," said the doctor, +energetically. "My friend here is a solicitor. Tell him what 'll happen +if they don't take us back, Harry."</p> + +<p>"You seem to be unaware, my good fellow," said the solicitor, covering a +large hole in the leg of his trousers with his hand, "of the very +dangerous situation in which you have placed yourselves. We have no +desire to be harsh with you—"</p> + +<p>"Not at all," acquiesced the doctor, nodding at the second officer.</p> + +<p>"At the same time," continued Mr. Thomson—"at the—" He let go his +friend's arm and staggered away; the doctor gazed after him +sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"His digestion is not all it should be," he said to the second officer, +confidentially.</p> + +<p>"If you don't get for'ard in two twos," said that gentleman, explosively, +"I'll knock your heads off."</p> + +<p>The doctor gazed at him in haughty disdain, and taking the limp Thomson +by the arm, led him slowly away.</p> + +<p>"How did we get here?" asked Mr. Harry Thomson, feebly.</p> + +<p>The doctor shook his head.</p> + +<p>"How did we get these disgusting clothes on?" continued his friend.</p> + +<p>The doctor shook his head again. "The last thing I can remember, Harry," +he said, slowly, "was imploring you not to drink any more."</p> + +<p>"I didn't hear you," said the solicitor, crustily; "your speech was very +indistinct last night."</p> + +<p>"Seemed so to you, I dare say," said the other.</p> + +<p>Mr. Thomson shook his arm off, and clinging to the mainmast, leaned his +cheek against it and closed his eyes. He opened them again at the sound +of voices, and drew himself up as he saw the second officer coming along +with a stern-visaged man of about fifty.</p> + +<p>"Are you the master of this vessel?" inquired the doctor, stepping to +his friend's side.</p> + +<p>"What the blazes has that got to do with you?" demanded the skipper. +"Look here, my lads; don't you play any of your little games on me, +because they won't do. You're both of you as drunk as owls."</p> + +<p>"Defamation of character," said the solicitor, feebly, to his friend.</p> + +<p>"Allow me," said the doctor, with his best manner, "to inquire what all +this means. I am Dr. Frank Carson, of Melbourne; this gentleman is my +friend Mr. Thomson, of the same place, solicitor."</p> + +<p>"What?" roared the skipper, the veins in his forehead standing out. +"Doctor! Solicitor! Why, you damned rascals, you shipped with me as +cook and A. B."</p> + +<p>"There's some mistake," said the doctor. "I'm afraid I shall have to ask +you to take us back. I hope you haven't come far."</p> + +<p>"Take those scarecrows away," cried the skipper, hoarsely; "take them +away before I do them a mischief. I'll have the law of somebody for +shipping two useless lubbers as seamen. Look to me like pickpockets."</p> + +<p>"You shall answer for this," said Carson, foaming; "we're professional +men, and we're not going to be abused by a bargee."</p> + +<p>"Let him talk," said Mr. Thomson, hurriedly drawing his friend away from +the irate skipper. "Let him talk."</p> + +<p>"I'll put you both in quod when we get to Hong-kong," said the skipper. +"Meantime, no work, no food; d'ye hear? Start and cook the breakfast, +Mr. Doctor; and you. Mr. Lawyer, turn to and ask the boy to teach you an +A. B's duties."</p> + +<p>He walked back to the cabin; and the new cook was slowly pushed toward +the galley by the second officer, the new A. B., under the same gentle +guidance, being conducted back to the forecastle.</p> + +<p>Fortunately for the new seamen the weather continued fine, but the heat +of the galley was declared by the new cook to be insupportable. From the +other hands they learned that they had been shipped with several others +by a resourceful boarding-house master. The other hands, being men of +plain speech, also said that they were brought aboard in a state of +beastly and enviable intoxication, and chaffed crudely when the doctor +attributed their apparent state of intoxication to drugs.</p> + + +<a name="008"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="008.jpg (80K)" src="008.jpg" height="873" width="469"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>"You say you're a doctor?" said the oldest seaman.</p> + +<p>"I am," said Carson, fiercely.</p> + +<p>"Wot sort of a doctor are you, if you don't know when your licker's been +played with, then?" asked the old man, as a grin passed slowly from mouth +to mouth.</p> + +<p>"I suppose it is because I drink so seldom," said the doctor, loftily. +"I hardly know the taste of liquor myself, while as for my friend Mr. +Thomson, you might almost call him a teetotaler.</p> + +<p>"Next door to one," said the solicitor, who was sewing a patch on his +trousers, as he looked up approvingly.</p> + +<p>"You might call 'im a sailor, if you liked," said another seaman, "but +that wouldn't make him one. All I can say is I never 'ad enough time or +money to get in the state you was both in when you come aboard."</p> + +<p>If the forecastle was incredulous, the cabin was worse. The officers at +first took but little notice of them, but feeling their torn and tattered +appearance was against them, they put on so many airs and graces to +counteract this that flesh and blood could not endure it quietly. The +cook would allude to his friend as Mr. Thomson, while the A. B. would +persist in referring, with a most affected utterance, to Dr. Carson.</p> + +<p>"Cook!" bawled the skipper one day when they were about a week out.</p> + +<p>Dr. Carson, who was peeling potatoes, stepped slowly out of the galley +and went toward him.</p> + +<p>"You say 'Sir,' when you're spoken to," said the skipper, fiercely.</p> + +<p>The doctor sneered.</p> + +<p>"My — if you sneer at me, I'll knock your head off!" said the other, +with a wicked look.</p> + +<p>"When you get back to Melbourne," said the doctor, quietly, "you'll hear +more of this."</p> + +<p>"You're a couple of pickpockets aping the gentleman," said the skipper, +and he turned to the mate. "Mr. Mackenzie, what do these two ragamuffins +look like?"</p> + +<p>"Pickpockets," said the mate, dutifully.</p> + +<p>"It's a very handy thing," said the old man, jeeringly, "to have a doctor +aboard. First time I've carried a surgeon."</p> + +<p>Mr. Mackenzie guffawed loudly.</p> + +<p>"And a solicitor," said the skipper, gazing darkly at the hapless Harry +Thomson, who was cleaning brasswork. "Handy in case of disputes. He's a +real sea lawyer. <i>Cook!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Sir?" said the doctor, quietly.</p> + +<p>"Go down and tidy my cabin, and see you do it well."</p> + +<p>The doctor went below without a word, and worked like a housemaid. When +he came on deck again, his face wore a smile almost of happiness, and his +hand caressed one trousers pocket as though it concealed a hidden weapon.</p> + +<p>For the following three or four days the two unfortunates were worked +unceasingly. Mr. Thomson complained bitterly, but the cook wore a +sphinx-like smile and tried to comfort him.</p> + +<p>"It won't be for long, Harry," he said, consolingly.</p> + +<p>The solicitor sniffed. "I could write tract after tract on temperance," +he said, bitterly. "I wonder what our poor wives are thinking? I expect +they have put us down as dead."</p> + +<p>"Crying their eyes out," said the doctor, wistfully; "but they'll dry +them precious quick when we get back, and ask all sorts of questions. +What are you going to say, Harry?"</p> + +<p>"The truth," said the solicitor, virtuously.</p> + +<p>"So am I," said his friend; "but mind, we must both tell the same tale, +whatever it is. Halloa! what's the matter?"</p> + +<p>"It's the skipper," said the boy, who had just run up; "he wants to see +you at once. He's dying."</p> + +<p>He caught hold of the doctor by the sleeve; but Carson, in his most +professional manner, declined to be hurried. He went leisurely down the +companion-ladder, and met with a careless glance the concerned faces of +the mate and second officer.</p> + +<p>"Come to the skipper at once," said the mate.</p> + +<p>"Does he want to see me?" said the doctor, languidly, as he entered the +cabin.</p> + +<p>The skipper was lying doubled up in his bunk, his face twisted with pain. +"Doctor," he panted, "give me something quick. There's the medicine- +chest."</p> + +<p>"Do you want some food, sir?" inquired the other, respectfully.</p> + +<p>"Food be damned!" said the sufferer. "I want physic. There's the +medicine-chest." The doctor took it up and held it out to him. "I don't +want the lot," moaned the skipper.</p> + +<p>"I want you to give me something for red-hot corkscrews in the inside."</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon," said the doctor, humbly; "I'm only the cook."</p> + +<p>"If you—don't—prescribe for me at once," said the skipper, "I'll put +you in irons."</p> + +<p>The doctor shook his head. "I shipped as cook," he said, slowly.</p> + +<p>"Give me something, for Heaven's sake!" said the skipper, humbly. "I'm +dying." The doctor pondered.</p> + +<p>"If you dinna treat him at once, I'll break your skull," said the mate, +persuasively.</p> + +<p>The doctor regarded him scornfully, and turned to the writhing skipper.</p> + +<p>"My fee is half a guinea a visit," he said, softly; "five shillings if +you come to me."</p> + +<p>"I'll have half a guinea's worth," said the agonized skipper.</p> + +<p>The doctor took his wrist, and calmly drew the second officer's watch +from its owner's pocket. Then he inspected the sick man's tongue, and +shaking his head, selected a powder from the chest.</p> + +<p>"You mustn't mind its being nasty," he said. "Where's a spoon?"</p> + +<p>He looked round for one, but the skipper took the powder from his hand, +and licked it from the paper as though it had been sherbet.</p> + +<p>"For mercy's sake don't say it's cholera," he gasped.</p> + +<p>"I won't say anything," said the doctor. "Where did you say the money +was?"</p> + +<p>The skipper pointed to his trousers, and Mr. Mackenzie, his national +spirit rising in hot rage, took out the agreed amount and handed it to +the physician.</p> + +<p>"Am I in danger?" said the skipper.</p> + +<p>"There's always danger," said the doctor, in his best bedside manner. +"Have you made your will?"</p> + +<p>The other, turning pale, shook his head. "Perhaps you'd like to see a +solicitor?" said Carson, in winning tones.</p> + +<p>"I'm not bad enough for that," said the skipper, stoutly.</p> + +<p>"You must stay here and nurse the skipper, Mr. Mackenzie," said Carson, +turning to the mate; "and be good enough not to make that snuffling +noise; it's worrying to an invalid."</p> + +<p>"Snuffling noise?" repeated the horror-struck mate.</p> + +<p>"Yes; you've got an unpleasant habit of snuffling," said the doctor; "it +worries me sometimes, I meant to speak to you about it before. You +mustn't do it here. If you want to snuffle, go and snuffle on deck."</p> + +<p>The frenzied outburst of the mate was interrupted by the skipper. "Don't +make that noise in my cabin, Mr. Mackenzie," he said, severely.</p> + +<p>Both mates withdrew in dudgeon, and Carson, after arranging the +sufferer's bedclothes, quitted the cabin and sought his friend. Mr. +Thomson was at first incredulous, but his eyes glistened brightly at the +sight of the half-sovereign.</p> + +<p>"Better hide it," he said, apprehensively; "the skipper 'll have it back +when he gets well; it's the only coin we've got."</p> + +<p>"He won't get well," said Dr. Carson, easily; "not till we get to Hong- +kong, that is."</p> + +<p>"What's the matter with him?" whispered the solicitor.</p> + +<p>The doctor, evading his eye, pulled a long face and shook his head. "It +may be the cooking," he said, slowly. "I'm not a good cook, I admit. It +might be something got into the food from the medicine-chest. I +shouldn't be at all surprised if the mates are taken bad too."</p> + +<p>And indeed at that very moment the boy came rushing to the galley again, +bawling out that Mr. Mackenzie was lying flat on his stomach in his bunk, +punching the air with his fists and rending it with his language. The +second officer appeared on deck as he finished his tale, and glancing +forward, called out loudly for the cook.</p> + +<p>"You're wanted, Frank," said the solicitor.</p> + +<p>"When he calls me doctor, I'll go," said the other, stiffly.</p> + +<p>"<i>Cook!</i>" bawled the second officer. "<i>Cook!</i> COOK!"</p> + +<p>He came running forward, his face red and angry, and his fist doubled. +"Didn't you hear me calling you?" he demanded, fiercely.</p> + +<p>"I've been promoted," said Carson, sweetly. "I'm ship's surgeon now."</p> + +<p>"Come down below at once, or I'll take you there by the scruff of your +neck," vociferated the other.</p> + +<p>"You're not big enough, little man," said the doctor, still smiling. +"Well, well, lead the way, and we'll see what we can do."</p> + +<p>He followed the speechless second officer below, and found the boy's +description of the first officer's state as moonlight unto sunlight, as +water unto wine. Even the second officer was appalled at the spectacle, +and ventured a protest.</p> + +<p>"Gie me something at once," yelled Mr. Mackenzie.</p> + +<p>"Do you wish me to undertake your case?" inquired the doctor, suavely.</p> + +<p>Mr. Mackenzie said that he did, in seven long, abusive, and wicked +sentences.</p> + +<p>"My fee is half a guinea," said the doctor, softly, poor people who +cannot afford more, mates and the like, I sometimes treat for less."</p> + +<p>"I'll die first," howled the mate; "you won't get any money out of me."</p> + +<p>"Very good," said the doctor, and rose to depart.</p> + +<p>"Bring him back, Rogers," yelled the mate; "don't let him go."</p> + +<p>But the second officer, with a strange awesome look in his eyes, was +leaning back in his seat, tightly gripping the edge of the table in both +hands.</p> + +<p>"Come, come," said the doctor, cheerily—"what's this? You mustn't be +ill, Rogers. I want you to nurse these other two."</p> + +<p>The other rose slowly to his feet and eyed him with lack-lustre eyes. +"Tell the third officer to take charge," he said, slowly; "and if he's to +he nurse as well, he's got his hands full."</p> + +<p>The doctor sent the boy to apprise the third officer of his +responsibilities, and then stood watching the extraordinary and snakelike +convolutions of Mr. Mackenzie.</p> + +<p>"How much—did—ye say?" hissed the latter.</p> + +<p>"Poor people," repeated the doctor, with relish, "five shillings a visit; +very poor people, half a crown."</p> + +<p>"I'll have half a crown's worth," moaned the miserable mate.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Mackenzie," said a faint voice from the skipper's cabin.</p> + +<p>"Sir?" yelled the mate, who was in torment.</p> + +<p>"Don't answer me like that, sir," said the skipper, sharply. "Will you +please to remember that I'm ill, and can't bear that horrible noise +you're making?"</p> + +<p>"I'm—ill—too," gasped the mate.</p> + +<p>"Ill? Nonsense!" said the skipper, severely. "We can't both be ill. +How about the ship?"</p> + +<p>There was no reply, but from another cabin the voice of Mr. Rogers was +heard calling wildly for medical aid, and offering impossible sums in +exchange for it. The doctor went from cabin to cabin, and, first +collecting his fees, administered sundry potions to the sufferers; and +then, in his capacity of cook, went forward and made an unsavory mess he +called gruel, which he insisted upon their eating.</p> + +<p>Thanks to his skill, the invalids were freed from the more violent of +their pains, but this freedom was followed by a weakness so alarming that +they could hardly raise their heads from their pillows—a state of things +which excited the intense envy of the third officer, who, owing to his +responsibilities, might just as well have been without one.</p> + +<p>In this state of weakness, and with the fear of impending dissolution +before his eyes, the skipper sent for Mr. Harry Thomson, and after some +comparisons between lawyers and sharks, in which stress was laid upon +certain redeeming features of the latter, paid a guinea and made his +will. His example, save in the amount of the fee, was followed by the +mate; but Mr. Rogers, being approached tentatively by the doctor in his +friend's behalf, shook his head and thanked his stars he had nothing to +leave. He had enjoyed his money, he said.</p> + +<p>They mended slowly as they approached Hong-kong, though a fit of temper +on Mr. Mackenzie's part, during which he threw out ominous hints about +having his money back, led to a regrettable relapse in his case. He was +still in bed when they came to anchor in the harbour; but the skipper and +his second officer were able to go above and exchange congratulations +from adjoining deck-chairs.</p> + +<p>"You are sure it wasn't cholera?" asked the harbour-master's deputy, who +had boarded them in his launch, after he had heard the story.</p> + +<p>"Positive," said Carson.</p> + +<p>"Very fortunate thing they had you on board," said the deputy—"very +fortunate."</p> + +<p>The doctor bowed.</p> + +<p>"Seems so odd, the three of them being down with it," said the other; +"looks as though it's infectious, doesn't it?"</p> + +<p>"I don't think so," said the doctor, accepting with alacrity an offer to +go ashore in the launch and change into some decent clothes. "I think I +know what it was."</p> + + +<a name="009"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="009.jpg (39K)" src="009.jpg" height="525" width="440"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<p>The captain of the <i>Stella</i> pricked up his ears, and the second officer +leaned forward with parted lips. Carson, accompanied by the deputy and +the solicitor, walked toward the launch.</p> + +<p>"What was it?" cried the skipper, anxiously.</p> + +<p>"I think that you ate something that disagreed with you," replied the +doctor, grinning meaningly. "Good-by, captain."</p> + +<p>The master of the <i>Stella</i> made no reply, but rising feebly, tottered to +the side, and shook his fist at the launch as it headed for the shore. +Doctor Carson, who had had a pious upbringing, kissed his hand in return.</p> + + + + + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of An Adulteration Act, by W.W. 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Jacobs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: An Adulteration Act + The Lady of the Barge and Others, Part 10. + +Author: W.W. Jacobs + +Release Date: April 22, 2004 [EBook #12130] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AN ADULTERATION ACT *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + +THE LADY OF THE BARGE + +AND OTHER STORIES + +By W. W. Jacobs + + + + +AN ADULTERATION ACT + + +Dr. Frank Carson had been dreaming tantalizing dreams of cooling, +effervescent beverages. Over and over again in his dreams he had risen +from his bed, and tripping lightly down to the surgery in his pajamas, +mixed himself something long and cool and fizzy, without being able to +bring the dream to a satisfactory termination. + +With a sudden start he awoke. The thirst was still upon him; the +materials for quenching it, just down one flight of stairs. He would +have smacked his lips at the prospect if they had been moist enough to +smack; as it was, he pushed down the bedclothes, and throwing one leg out +of bed-became firmly convinced that he was still dreaming. + +For the atmosphere was stifling and odorous, and the ceiling descended in +an odd bulging curve to within a couple of feet of his head. Still half +asleep, he raised his fist and prodded at it in astonishment--a feeling +which gave way to one of stupefaction as the ceiling took another shape +and swore distinctly. + +"I must be dreaming," mused the doctor; "even the ceiling seems alive." + +He prodded it again-regarding it closely this time. The ceiling at once +rose to greater altitudes, and at the same moment an old face with bushy +whiskers crawled under the edge of it, and asked him profanely what he +meant by it. It also asked him whether he wanted something for himself, +because, if so, he was going the right way to work. + +"Where am I?" demanded the bewildered doctor. "Mary! Mary!" + +He started up in bed, and brought his head in sudden violent contact with +the ceiling. Then, before the indignant ceiling could carry out its +threat of a moment before, he slipped out of bed and stood on a floor +which was in its place one moment and somewhere else the next. + +In the smell of bilge-water, tar, and the foetid atmosphere generally his +clouded brain awoke to the fact that he was on board ship, but resolutely +declined to inform him how he got there. He looked down in disgust at +the ragged clothes which he had on in lieu of the usual pajamas; and +then, as events slowly pieced themselves together in his mind, +remembered, as the last thing that he could remember, that he had warned +his friend Harry Thomson, solicitor, that if he had any more to drink it +would not be good for him. + +He wondered dimly as he stood whether Thomson was there too, and walking +unsteadily round the forecastle, roused the sleepers, one by one, and +asked them whether they were Harry Thomson, all answering with much +fluency in the negative, until he came to one man who for some time made +no answer at all. + +The doctor shook him first and then punched him. Then he shook him again +and gave him little scientific slaps, until at length Harry Thomson, in a +far-away voice, said that he was all right. + +"Well, I'm glad I'm not alone," said the doctor, selfishly. "_Harry! +Harry! Wake up!_" + +"All ri'!" said the sleeper; "I'm all ri'!" + +The doctor shook him again, and then rolled him backward and forward in +his bunk. Under this gentle treatment the solicitor's faculties were +somewhat brightened, and, half opening his eyes, he punched viciously at +the disturber of his peace, until threatening voices from the gloom +promised to murder both of them. + +"Where are we?" demanded the doctor, of a deep voice from the other side +of the forecastle which had been particularly threatening. + +"Barque _Stella,_ o' course," was the reply. "Where'd you think you +was?" + +The doctor gripped the edge of his friend's bunk and tried to think; +then, a feeling of nausea overcoming all others, he clambered hurriedly +up the forecastle ladder and lurched to the side of the vessel. + +He leaned there for some time without moving, a light breeze cooling his +fevered brow, and a small schooner some little distance from them playing +seesaw, as he closed his eyes to the heaving blue sea. Land was +conspicuous by its absence, and with a groan he turned and looked about +him--at the white scrubbed deck, the snowy canvas towering aloft on +lazily creaking spars, and the steersman leaning against the wheel +regarding the officer who stood near by. + +Dr. Carson, feeling a little better, walked sternly aft, the officer +turning round and glancing in surprise at his rags as he approached. + +"I beg your pardon," began the doctor, in superior tones. + +"And what the devil do you want?" demanded the second officer; "who told +you to come along here?" + +"I want to know what this means," said the doctor, fiercely. "How dare +you kidnap us on your beastly bilge-tank?" + +"Man's mad," murmured the astonished second officer. + +"Insufferable outrage!" continued the doctor. "Take us back to +Melbourne at once." + +"You get for'ard," said the other sharply; "get for'ard, and don't let me +have any more of your lip." + +"I want to see the captain of this ship," cried the doctor; "go and fetch +him at once." + +The second officer gazed at him, limp with astonishment, and then turned +to the steersman, as though unable to believe his ears. The steersman +pointed in front of him, and the other gave a cry of surprise and rage as +he saw another tatterdemalion coming with uncertain steps toward him. + +"Carson," said the new arrival, feebly; and coming closer to his friend, +clung to him miserably. + +"I'm just having it out with 'em, Thomson," said the doctor, +energetically. "My friend here is a solicitor. Tell him what 'll happen +if they don't take us back, Harry." + +"You seem to be unaware, my good fellow," said the solicitor, covering a +large hole in the leg of his trousers with his hand, "of the very +dangerous situation in which you have placed yourselves. We have no +desire to be harsh with you--" + +"Not at all," acquiesced the doctor, nodding at the second officer. + +"At the same time," continued Mr. Thomson--"at the--" He let go his +friend's arm and staggered away; the doctor gazed after him +sympathetically. + +[Illustration: HE SAW ANOTHER TATTERDEMALION COMING TOWARDS HIM.] + +"His digestion is not all it should be," he said to the second officer, +confidentially. + +"If you don't get for'ard in two twos," said that gentleman, explosively, +"I'll knock your heads off." + +The doctor gazed at him in haughty disdain, and taking the limp Thomson +by the arm, led him slowly away. + +"How did we get here?" asked Mr. Harry Thomson, feebly. + +The doctor shook his head. + +"How did we get these disgusting clothes on?" continued his friend. + +The doctor shook his head again. "The last thing I can remember, Harry," +he said, slowly, "was imploring you not to drink any more." + +"I didn't hear you," said the solicitor, crustily; "your speech was very +indistinct last night." + +"Seemed so to you, I dare say," said the other. + +Mr. Thomson shook his arm off, and clinging to the mainmast, leaned his +cheek against it and closed his eyes. He opened them again at the sound +of voices, and drew himself up as he saw the second officer coming along +with a stern-visaged man of about fifty. + +"Are you the master of this vessel?" inquired the doctor, stepping to +his friend's side. + +"What the blazes has that got to do with you?" demanded the skipper. +"Look here, my lads; don't you play any of your little games on me, +because they won't do. You're both of you as drunk as owls." + +"Defamation of character," said the solicitor, feebly, to his friend. + +"Allow me," said the doctor, with his best manner, "to inquire what all +this means. I am Dr. Frank Carson, of Melbourne; this gentleman is my +friend Mr. Thomson, of the same place, solicitor." + +"What?" roared the skipper, the veins in his forehead standing out. +"Doctor! Solicitor! Why, you damned rascals, you shipped with me as +cook and A. B." + +"There's some mistake," said the doctor. "I'm afraid I shall have to ask +you to take us back. I hope you haven't come far." + +"Take those scarecrows away," cried the skipper, hoarsely; "take them +away before I do them a mischief. I'll have the law of somebody for +shipping two useless lubbers as seamen. Look to me like pickpockets." + +"You shall answer for this," said Carson, foaming; "we're professional +men, and we're not going to be abused by a bargee." + +"Let him talk," said Mr. Thomson, hurriedly drawing his friend away from +the irate skipper. "Let him talk." + +"I'll put you both in quod when we get to Hong-kong," said the skipper. +"Meantime, no work, no food; d'ye hear? Start and cook the breakfast, +Mr. Doctor; and you. Mr. Lawyer, turn to and ask the boy to teach you an +A. B's duties." + +He walked back to the cabin; and the new cook was slowly pushed toward +the galley by the second officer, the new A. B., under the same gentle +guidance, being conducted back to the forecastle. + +Fortunately for the new seamen the weather continued fine, but the heat +of the galley was declared by the new cook to be insupportable. From the +other hands they learned that they had been shipped with several others +by a resourceful boarding-house master. The other hands, being men of +plain speech, also said that they were brought aboard in a state of +beastly and enviable intoxication, and chaffed crudely when the doctor +attributed their apparent state of intoxication to drugs. + +"You say you're a doctor?" said the oldest seaman. + +"I am," said Carson, fiercely. + +"Wot sort of a doctor are you, if you don't know when your licker's been +played with, then?" asked the old man, as a grin passed slowly from mouth +to mouth. + +"I suppose it is because I drink so seldom," said the doctor, loftily. +"I hardly know the taste of liquor myself, while as for my friend Mr. +Thomson, you might almost call him a teetotaler. + +"Next door to one," said the solicitor, who was sewing a patch on his +trousers, as he looked up approvingly. + +"You might call 'im a sailor, if you liked," said another seaman, "but +that wouldn't make him one. All I can say is I never 'ad enough time or +money to get in the state you was both in when you come aboard." + +If the forecastle was incredulous, the cabin was worse. The officers at +first took but little notice of them, but feeling their torn and tattered +appearance was against them, they put on so many airs and graces to +counteract this that flesh and blood could not endure it quietly. The +cook would allude to his friend as Mr. Thomson, while the A. B. would +persist in referring, with a most affected utterance, to Dr. Carson. + +"Cook!" bawled the skipper one day when they were about a week out. + +Dr. Carson, who was peeling potatoes, stepped slowly out of the galley +and went toward him. + +"You say 'Sir,' when you're spoken to," said the skipper, fiercely. + +The doctor sneered. + +"My --- if you sneer at me, I'll knock your head off!" said the other, +with a wicked look. + +"When you get back to Melbourne," said the doctor, quietly, "you'll hear +more of this." + +"You're a couple of pickpockets aping the gentleman," said the skipper, +and he turned to the mate. "Mr. Mackenzie, what do these two ragamuffins +look like?" + +"Pickpockets," said the mate, dutifully. + +"It's a very handy thing," said the old man, jeeringly, "to have a doctor +aboard. First time I've carried a surgeon." + +Mr. Mackenzie guffawed loudly. + +"And a solicitor," said the skipper, gazing darkly at the hapless Harry +Thomson, who was cleaning brasswork. "Handy in case of disputes. He's a +real sea lawyer. _Cook!_" + +"Sir?" said the doctor, quietly. + +"Go down and tidy my cabin, and see you do it well." + +The doctor went below without a word, and worked like a housemaid. When +he came on deck again, his face wore a smile almost of happiness, and his +hand caressed one trousers pocket as though it concealed a hidden weapon. + +For the following three or four days the two unfortunates were worked +unceasingly. Mr. Thomson complained bitterly, but the cook wore a +sphinx-like smile and tried to comfort him. + +"It won't be for long, Harry," he said, consolingly. + +The solicitor sniffed. "I could write tract after tract on temperance," +he said, bitterly. "I wonder what our poor wives are thinking? I expect +they have put us down as dead." + +"Crying their eyes out," said the doctor, wistfully; "but they'll dry +them precious quick when we get back, and ask all sorts of questions. +What are you going to say, Harry?" + +"The truth," said the solicitor, virtuously. + +"So am I," said his friend; "but mind, we must both tell the same tale, +whatever it is. Halloa! what's the matter?" + +"It's the skipper," said the boy, who had just run up; "he wants to see +you at once. He's dying." + +He caught hold of the doctor by the sleeve; but Carson, in his most +professional manner, declined to be hurried. He went leisurely down the +companion-ladder, and met with a careless glance the concerned faces of +the mate and second officer. + +"Come to the skipper at once," said the mate. + +"Does he want to see me?" said the doctor, languidly, as he entered the +cabin. + +The skipper was lying doubled up in his bunk, his face twisted with pain. +"Doctor," he panted, "give me something quick. There's the medicine- +chest." + +"Do you want some food, sir?" inquired the other, respectfully. + +"Food be damned!" said the sufferer. "I want physic. There's the +medicine-chest." The doctor took it up and held it out to him. "I don't +want the lot," moaned the skipper. + +"I want you to give me something for red-hot corkscrews in the inside." + +"I beg your pardon," said the doctor, humbly; "I'm only the cook." + +"If you--don't--prescribe for me at once," said the skipper, "I'll put +you in irons." + +The doctor shook his head. "I shipped as cook," he said, slowly. + +"Give me something, for Heaven's sake!" said the skipper, humbly. "I'm +dying." The doctor pondered. + +"If you dinna treat him at once, I'll break your skull," said the mate, +persuasively. + +The doctor regarded him scornfully, and turned to the writhing skipper. + +"My fee is half a guinea a visit," he said, softly; "five shillings if +you come to me." + +"I'll have half a guinea's worth," said the agonized skipper. + +The doctor took his wrist, and calmly drew the second officer's watch +from its owner's pocket. Then he inspected the sick man's tongue, and +shaking his head, selected a powder from the chest. + +"You mustn't mind its being nasty," he said. "Where's a spoon?" + +He looked round for one, but the skipper took the powder from his hand, +and licked it from the paper as though it had been sherbet. + +"For mercy's sake don't say it's cholera," he gasped. + +"I won't say anything," said the doctor. "Where did you say the money +was?" + +The skipper pointed to his trousers, and Mr. Mackenzie, his national +spirit rising in hot rage, took out the agreed amount and handed it to +the physician. + +"Am I in danger?" said the skipper. + +"There's always danger," said the doctor, in his best bedside manner. +"Have you made your will?" + +The other, turning pale, shook his head. "Perhaps you'd like to see a +solicitor?" said Carson, in winning tones. + +"I'm not bad enough for that," said the skipper, stoutly. + +"You must stay here and nurse the skipper, Mr. Mackenzie," said Carson, +turning to the mate; "and be good enough not to make that snuffling +noise; it's worrying to an invalid." + +"Snuffling noise?" repeated the horror-struck mate. + +"Yes; you've got an unpleasant habit of snuffling," said the doctor; "it +worries me sometimes, I meant to speak to you about it before. You +mustn't do it here. If you want to snuffle, go and snuffle on deck." + +The frenzied outburst of the mate was interrupted by the skipper. "Don't +make that noise in my cabin, Mr. Mackenzie," he said, severely. + +Both mates withdrew in dudgeon, and Carson, after arranging the +sufferer's bedclothes, quitted the cabin and sought his friend. Mr. +Thomson was at first incredulous, but his eyes glistened brightly at the +sight of the half-sovereign. + +"Better hide it," he said, apprehensively; "the skipper 'll have it back +when he gets well; it's the only coin we've got." + +"He won't get well," said Dr. Carson, easily; "not till we get to Hong- +kong, that is." + +"What's the matter with him?" whispered the solicitor. + +The doctor, evading his eye, pulled a long face and shook his head. "It +may be the cooking," he said, slowly. "I'm not a good cook, I admit. It +might be something got into the food from the medicine-chest. I +shouldn't be at all surprised if the mates are taken bad too." + +And indeed at that very moment the boy came rushing to the galley again, +bawling out that Mr. Mackenzie was lying flat on his stomach in his bunk, +punching the air with his fists and rending it with his language. The +second officer appeared on deck as he finished his tale, and glancing +forward, called out loudly for the cook. + +"You're wanted, Frank," said the solicitor. + +"When he calls me doctor, I'll go," said the other, stiffly. + +"_Cook!_" bawled the second officer. "_Cook!_ COOK!" + +He came running forward, his face red and angry, and his fist doubled. +"Didn't you hear me calling you?" he demanded, fiercely. + +"I've been promoted," said Carson, sweetly. "I'm ship's surgeon now." + +"Come down below at once, or I'll take you there by the scruff of your +neck," vociferated the other. + +"You're not big enough, little man," said the doctor, still smiling. +"Well, well, lead the way, and we'll see what we can do." + +He followed the speechless second officer below, and found the boy's +description of the first officer's state as moonlight unto sunlight, as +water unto wine. Even the second officer was appalled at the spectacle, +and ventured a protest. + +"Gie me something at once," yelled Mr. Mackenzie. + +"Do you wish me to undertake your case?" inquired the doctor, suavely. + +Mr. Mackenzie said that he did, in seven long, abusive, and wicked +sentences. + +"My fee is half a guinea," said the doctor, softly, poor people who +cannot afford more, mates and the like, I sometimes treat for less." + +"I'll die first," howled the mate; "you won't get any money out of me." + +"Very good," said the doctor, and rose to depart. + +"Bring him back, Rogers," yelled the mate; "don't let him go." + +But the second officer, with a strange awesome look in his eyes, was +leaning back in his seat, tightly gripping the edge of the table in both +hands. + +"Come, come," said the doctor, cheerily--"what's this? You mustn't be +ill, Rogers. I want you to nurse these other two." + +The other rose slowly to his feet and eyed him with lack-lustre eyes. +"Tell the third officer to take charge," he said, slowly; "and if he's to +he nurse as well, he's got his hands full." + +The doctor sent the boy to apprise the third officer of his +responsibilities, and then stood watching the extraordinary and snakelike +convolutions of Mr. Mackenzie. + +"How much--did--ye say?" hissed the latter. + +"Poor people," repeated the doctor, with relish, "five shillings a visit; +very poor people, half a crown." + +"I'll have half a crown's worth," moaned the miserable mate. + +"Mr. Mackenzie," said a faint voice from the skipper's cabin. + +"Sir?" yelled the mate, who was in torment. + +"Don't answer me like that, sir," said the skipper, sharply. "Will you +please to remember that I'm ill, and can't bear that horrible noise +you're making?" + +"I'm--ill--too," gasped the mate. + +"Ill? Nonsense!" said the skipper, severely. "We can't both be ill. +How about the ship?" + +There was no reply, but from another cabin the voice of Mr. Rogers was +heard calling wildly for medical aid, and offering impossible sums in +exchange for it. The doctor went from cabin to cabin, and, first +collecting his fees, administered sundry potions to the sufferers; and +then, in his capacity of cook, went forward and made an unsavory mess he +called gruel, which he insisted upon their eating. + +Thanks to his skill, the invalids were freed from the more violent of +their pains, but this freedom was followed by a weakness so alarming that +they could hardly raise their heads from their pillows--a state of things +which excited the intense envy of the third officer, who, owing to his +responsibilities, might just as well have been without one. + +In this state of weakness, and with the fear of impending dissolution +before his eyes, the skipper sent for Mr. Harry Thomson, and after some +comparisons between lawyers and sharks, in which stress was laid upon +certain redeeming features of the latter, paid a guinea and made his +will. His example, save in the amount of the fee, was followed by the +mate; but Mr. Rogers, being approached tentatively by the doctor in his +friend's behalf, shook his head and thanked his stars he had nothing to +leave. He had enjoyed his money, he said. + +They mended slowly as they approached Hong-kong, though a fit of temper +on Mr. Mackenzie's part, during which he threw out ominous hints about +having his money back, led to a regrettable relapse in his case. He was +still in bed when they came to anchor in the harbour; but the skipper and +his second officer were able to go above and exchange congratulations +from adjoining deck-chairs. + +"You are sure it wasn't cholera?" asked the harbour-master's deputy, who +had boarded them in his launch, after he had heard the story. + +"Positive," said Carson. + +"Very fortunate thing they had you on board," said the deputy--"very +fortunate." + +The doctor bowed. + +"Seems so odd, the three of them being down with it," said the other; +"looks as though it's infectious, doesn't it?" + +"I don't think so," said the doctor, accepting with alacrity an offer to +go ashore in the launch and change into some decent clothes. "I think I +know what it was." + +The captain of the _Stella_ pricked up his ears, and the second officer +leaned forward with parted lips. Carson, accompanied by the deputy and +the solicitor, walked toward the launch. + +"What was it?" cried the skipper, anxiously. + +[Illustration: THE SECOND OFFICER LEANED FORWARD] + +"I think that you ate something that disagreed with you," replied the +doctor, grinning meaningly. "Good-by, captain." + +The master of the _Stella_ made no reply, but rising feebly, tottered to +the side, and shook his fist at the launch as it headed for the shore. +Doctor Carson, who had had a pious upbringing, kissed his hand in return. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of An Adulteration Act, by W.W. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..990f95e --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12130 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12130) diff --git a/old/12130-h.zip b/old/12130-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..91ccf28 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12130-h.zip diff --git a/old/12130-h/007.jpg b/old/12130-h/007.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7dcad71 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12130-h/007.jpg diff --git a/old/12130-h/008.jpg b/old/12130-h/008.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..170f688 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12130-h/008.jpg diff --git a/old/12130-h/009.jpg b/old/12130-h/009.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3cb6aa --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12130-h/009.jpg diff --git a/old/12130-h/12130-h.htm b/old/12130-h/12130-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d48f4ce --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12130-h/12130-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1074 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>THE LADY OF THE BARGE AND OTHERS, Book 10</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=us-ascii"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of An Adulteration Act, by W.W. Jacobs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: An Adulteration Act + The Lady of the Barge and Others, Part 10. + +Author: W.W. Jacobs + +Release Date: April 22, 2004 [EBook #12130] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AN ADULTERATION ACT *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="cover.jpg (102K)" src="cover.jpg" height="923" width="738"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="title.jpg (40K)" src="title.jpg" height="602" width="442"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<center> +<h1>THE LADY OF THE BARGE<br><br> +AND OTHER STORIES</h1> +<br><br> +<h2>By W. W. Jacobs</h2> +<br><br> +<h3>BOOK 10</h3> +<br><br> +</center> + +<a name="frontis"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="frontis.jpg (80K)" src="frontis.jpg" height="742" width="503"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><br><br> + + + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<a name="c10"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<h2> +AN ADULTERATION ACT +</h2> +</center> +<br> + +<p>Dr. Frank Carson had been dreaming tantalizing dreams of cooling, +effervescent beverages. Over and over again in his dreams he had risen +from his bed, and tripping lightly down to the surgery in his pajamas, +mixed himself something long and cool and fizzy, without being able to +bring the dream to a satisfactory termination.</p> + +<p>With a sudden start he awoke. The thirst was still upon him; the +materials for quenching it, just down one flight of stairs. He would +have smacked his lips at the prospect if they had been moist enough to +smack; as it was, he pushed down the bedclothes, and throwing one leg out +of bed-became firmly convinced that he was still dreaming.</p> + +<p>For the atmosphere was stifling and odorous, and the ceiling descended in +an odd bulging curve to within a couple of feet of his head. Still half +asleep, he raised his fist and prodded at it in astonishment—a feeling +which gave way to one of stupefaction as the ceiling took another shape +and swore distinctly.</p> + +<p>"I must be dreaming," mused the doctor; "even the ceiling seems alive."</p> + +<p>He prodded it again-regarding it closely this time. The ceiling at once +rose to greater altitudes, and at the same moment an old face with bushy +whiskers crawled under the edge of it, and asked him profanely what he +meant by it. It also asked him whether he wanted something for himself, +because, if so, he was going the right way to work.</p> + +<p>"Where am I?" demanded the bewildered doctor. "Mary! Mary!"</p> + +<p>He started up in bed, and brought his head in sudden violent contact with +the ceiling. Then, before the indignant ceiling could carry out its +threat of a moment before, he slipped out of bed and stood on a floor +which was in its place one moment and somewhere else the next.</p> + +<p>In the smell of bilge-water, tar, and the foetid atmosphere generally his +clouded brain awoke to the fact that he was on board ship, but resolutely +declined to inform him how he got there. He looked down in disgust at +the ragged clothes which he had on in lieu of the usual pajamas; and +then, as events slowly pieced themselves together in his mind, +remembered, as the last thing that he could remember, that he had warned +his friend Harry Thomson, solicitor, that if he had any more to drink it +would not be good for him.</p> + +<p>He wondered dimly as he stood whether Thomson was there too, and walking +unsteadily round the forecastle, roused the sleepers, one by one, and +asked them whether they were Harry Thomson, all answering with much +fluency in the negative, until he came to one man who for some time made +no answer at all.</p> + +<p>The doctor shook him first and then punched him. Then he shook him again +and gave him little scientific slaps, until at length Harry Thomson, in a +far-away voice, said that he was all right.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm glad I'm not alone," said the doctor, selfishly. "<i>Harry! +Harry! Wake up!</i>"</p> + +<p>"All ri'!" said the sleeper; "I'm all ri'!"</p> + +<p>The doctor shook him again, and then rolled him backward and forward in +his bunk. Under this gentle treatment the solicitor's faculties were +somewhat brightened, and, half opening his eyes, he punched viciously at +the disturber of his peace, until threatening voices from the gloom +promised to murder both of them.</p> + +<p>"Where are we?" demanded the doctor, of a deep voice from the other side +of the forecastle which had been particularly threatening.</p> + +<p>"Barque <i>Stella,</i> o' course," was the reply. "Where'd you think you +was?"</p> + +<p>The doctor gripped the edge of his friend's bunk and tried to think; +then, a feeling of nausea overcoming all others, he clambered hurriedly +up the forecastle ladder and lurched to the side of the vessel.</p> + +<p>He leaned there for some time without moving, a light breeze cooling his +fevered brow, and a small schooner some little distance from them playing +seesaw, as he closed his eyes to the heaving blue sea. Land was +conspicuous by its absence, and with a groan he turned and looked about +him—at the white scrubbed deck, the snowy canvas towering aloft on +lazily creaking spars, and the steersman leaning against the wheel +regarding the officer who stood near by.</p> + +<p>Dr. Carson, feeling a little better, walked sternly aft, the officer +turning round and glancing in surprise at his rags as he approached.</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon," began the doctor, in superior tones.</p> + +<p>"And what the devil do you want?" demanded the second officer; "who told +you to come along here?"</p> + +<p>"I want to know what this means," said the doctor, fiercely. "How dare +you kidnap us on your beastly bilge-tank?"</p> + +<p>"Man's mad," murmured the astonished second officer.</p> + +<p>"Insufferable outrage!" continued the doctor. "Take us back to +Melbourne at once."</p> + +<p>"You get for'ard," said the other sharply; "get for'ard, and don't let me +have any more of your lip."</p> + +<p>"I want to see the captain of this ship," cried the doctor; "go and fetch +him at once."</p> + +<a name="007"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="007.jpg (100K)" src="007.jpg" height="779" width="542"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>The second officer gazed at him, limp with astonishment, and then turned +to the steersman, as though unable to believe his ears. The steersman +pointed in front of him, and the other gave a cry of surprise and rage as +he saw another tatterdemalion coming with uncertain steps toward him.</p> + +<p>"Carson," said the new arrival, feebly; and coming closer to his friend, +clung to him miserably.</p> + +<p>"I'm just having it out with 'em, Thomson," said the doctor, +energetically. "My friend here is a solicitor. Tell him what 'll happen +if they don't take us back, Harry."</p> + +<p>"You seem to be unaware, my good fellow," said the solicitor, covering a +large hole in the leg of his trousers with his hand, "of the very +dangerous situation in which you have placed yourselves. We have no +desire to be harsh with you—"</p> + +<p>"Not at all," acquiesced the doctor, nodding at the second officer.</p> + +<p>"At the same time," continued Mr. Thomson—"at the—" He let go his +friend's arm and staggered away; the doctor gazed after him +sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"His digestion is not all it should be," he said to the second officer, +confidentially.</p> + +<p>"If you don't get for'ard in two twos," said that gentleman, explosively, +"I'll knock your heads off."</p> + +<p>The doctor gazed at him in haughty disdain, and taking the limp Thomson +by the arm, led him slowly away.</p> + +<p>"How did we get here?" asked Mr. Harry Thomson, feebly.</p> + +<p>The doctor shook his head.</p> + +<p>"How did we get these disgusting clothes on?" continued his friend.</p> + +<p>The doctor shook his head again. "The last thing I can remember, Harry," +he said, slowly, "was imploring you not to drink any more."</p> + +<p>"I didn't hear you," said the solicitor, crustily; "your speech was very +indistinct last night."</p> + +<p>"Seemed so to you, I dare say," said the other.</p> + +<p>Mr. Thomson shook his arm off, and clinging to the mainmast, leaned his +cheek against it and closed his eyes. He opened them again at the sound +of voices, and drew himself up as he saw the second officer coming along +with a stern-visaged man of about fifty.</p> + +<p>"Are you the master of this vessel?" inquired the doctor, stepping to +his friend's side.</p> + +<p>"What the blazes has that got to do with you?" demanded the skipper. +"Look here, my lads; don't you play any of your little games on me, +because they won't do. You're both of you as drunk as owls."</p> + +<p>"Defamation of character," said the solicitor, feebly, to his friend.</p> + +<p>"Allow me," said the doctor, with his best manner, "to inquire what all +this means. I am Dr. Frank Carson, of Melbourne; this gentleman is my +friend Mr. Thomson, of the same place, solicitor."</p> + +<p>"What?" roared the skipper, the veins in his forehead standing out. +"Doctor! Solicitor! Why, you damned rascals, you shipped with me as +cook and A. B."</p> + +<p>"There's some mistake," said the doctor. "I'm afraid I shall have to ask +you to take us back. I hope you haven't come far."</p> + +<p>"Take those scarecrows away," cried the skipper, hoarsely; "take them +away before I do them a mischief. I'll have the law of somebody for +shipping two useless lubbers as seamen. Look to me like pickpockets."</p> + +<p>"You shall answer for this," said Carson, foaming; "we're professional +men, and we're not going to be abused by a bargee."</p> + +<p>"Let him talk," said Mr. Thomson, hurriedly drawing his friend away from +the irate skipper. "Let him talk."</p> + +<p>"I'll put you both in quod when we get to Hong-kong," said the skipper. +"Meantime, no work, no food; d'ye hear? Start and cook the breakfast, +Mr. Doctor; and you. Mr. Lawyer, turn to and ask the boy to teach you an +A. B's duties."</p> + +<p>He walked back to the cabin; and the new cook was slowly pushed toward +the galley by the second officer, the new A. B., under the same gentle +guidance, being conducted back to the forecastle.</p> + +<p>Fortunately for the new seamen the weather continued fine, but the heat +of the galley was declared by the new cook to be insupportable. From the +other hands they learned that they had been shipped with several others +by a resourceful boarding-house master. The other hands, being men of +plain speech, also said that they were brought aboard in a state of +beastly and enviable intoxication, and chaffed crudely when the doctor +attributed their apparent state of intoxication to drugs.</p> + + +<a name="008"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="008.jpg (80K)" src="008.jpg" height="873" width="469"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>"You say you're a doctor?" said the oldest seaman.</p> + +<p>"I am," said Carson, fiercely.</p> + +<p>"Wot sort of a doctor are you, if you don't know when your licker's been +played with, then?" asked the old man, as a grin passed slowly from mouth +to mouth.</p> + +<p>"I suppose it is because I drink so seldom," said the doctor, loftily. +"I hardly know the taste of liquor myself, while as for my friend Mr. +Thomson, you might almost call him a teetotaler.</p> + +<p>"Next door to one," said the solicitor, who was sewing a patch on his +trousers, as he looked up approvingly.</p> + +<p>"You might call 'im a sailor, if you liked," said another seaman, "but +that wouldn't make him one. All I can say is I never 'ad enough time or +money to get in the state you was both in when you come aboard."</p> + +<p>If the forecastle was incredulous, the cabin was worse. The officers at +first took but little notice of them, but feeling their torn and tattered +appearance was against them, they put on so many airs and graces to +counteract this that flesh and blood could not endure it quietly. The +cook would allude to his friend as Mr. Thomson, while the A. B. would +persist in referring, with a most affected utterance, to Dr. Carson.</p> + +<p>"Cook!" bawled the skipper one day when they were about a week out.</p> + +<p>Dr. Carson, who was peeling potatoes, stepped slowly out of the galley +and went toward him.</p> + +<p>"You say 'Sir,' when you're spoken to," said the skipper, fiercely.</p> + +<p>The doctor sneered.</p> + +<p>"My — if you sneer at me, I'll knock your head off!" said the other, +with a wicked look.</p> + +<p>"When you get back to Melbourne," said the doctor, quietly, "you'll hear +more of this."</p> + +<p>"You're a couple of pickpockets aping the gentleman," said the skipper, +and he turned to the mate. "Mr. Mackenzie, what do these two ragamuffins +look like?"</p> + +<p>"Pickpockets," said the mate, dutifully.</p> + +<p>"It's a very handy thing," said the old man, jeeringly, "to have a doctor +aboard. First time I've carried a surgeon."</p> + +<p>Mr. Mackenzie guffawed loudly.</p> + +<p>"And a solicitor," said the skipper, gazing darkly at the hapless Harry +Thomson, who was cleaning brasswork. "Handy in case of disputes. He's a +real sea lawyer. <i>Cook!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Sir?" said the doctor, quietly.</p> + +<p>"Go down and tidy my cabin, and see you do it well."</p> + +<p>The doctor went below without a word, and worked like a housemaid. When +he came on deck again, his face wore a smile almost of happiness, and his +hand caressed one trousers pocket as though it concealed a hidden weapon.</p> + +<p>For the following three or four days the two unfortunates were worked +unceasingly. Mr. Thomson complained bitterly, but the cook wore a +sphinx-like smile and tried to comfort him.</p> + +<p>"It won't be for long, Harry," he said, consolingly.</p> + +<p>The solicitor sniffed. "I could write tract after tract on temperance," +he said, bitterly. "I wonder what our poor wives are thinking? I expect +they have put us down as dead."</p> + +<p>"Crying their eyes out," said the doctor, wistfully; "but they'll dry +them precious quick when we get back, and ask all sorts of questions. +What are you going to say, Harry?"</p> + +<p>"The truth," said the solicitor, virtuously.</p> + +<p>"So am I," said his friend; "but mind, we must both tell the same tale, +whatever it is. Halloa! what's the matter?"</p> + +<p>"It's the skipper," said the boy, who had just run up; "he wants to see +you at once. He's dying."</p> + +<p>He caught hold of the doctor by the sleeve; but Carson, in his most +professional manner, declined to be hurried. He went leisurely down the +companion-ladder, and met with a careless glance the concerned faces of +the mate and second officer.</p> + +<p>"Come to the skipper at once," said the mate.</p> + +<p>"Does he want to see me?" said the doctor, languidly, as he entered the +cabin.</p> + +<p>The skipper was lying doubled up in his bunk, his face twisted with pain. +"Doctor," he panted, "give me something quick. There's the medicine- +chest."</p> + +<p>"Do you want some food, sir?" inquired the other, respectfully.</p> + +<p>"Food be damned!" said the sufferer. "I want physic. There's the +medicine-chest." The doctor took it up and held it out to him. "I don't +want the lot," moaned the skipper.</p> + +<p>"I want you to give me something for red-hot corkscrews in the inside."</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon," said the doctor, humbly; "I'm only the cook."</p> + +<p>"If you—don't—prescribe for me at once," said the skipper, "I'll put +you in irons."</p> + +<p>The doctor shook his head. "I shipped as cook," he said, slowly.</p> + +<p>"Give me something, for Heaven's sake!" said the skipper, humbly. "I'm +dying." The doctor pondered.</p> + +<p>"If you dinna treat him at once, I'll break your skull," said the mate, +persuasively.</p> + +<p>The doctor regarded him scornfully, and turned to the writhing skipper.</p> + +<p>"My fee is half a guinea a visit," he said, softly; "five shillings if +you come to me."</p> + +<p>"I'll have half a guinea's worth," said the agonized skipper.</p> + +<p>The doctor took his wrist, and calmly drew the second officer's watch +from its owner's pocket. Then he inspected the sick man's tongue, and +shaking his head, selected a powder from the chest.</p> + +<p>"You mustn't mind its being nasty," he said. "Where's a spoon?"</p> + +<p>He looked round for one, but the skipper took the powder from his hand, +and licked it from the paper as though it had been sherbet.</p> + +<p>"For mercy's sake don't say it's cholera," he gasped.</p> + +<p>"I won't say anything," said the doctor. "Where did you say the money +was?"</p> + +<p>The skipper pointed to his trousers, and Mr. Mackenzie, his national +spirit rising in hot rage, took out the agreed amount and handed it to +the physician.</p> + +<p>"Am I in danger?" said the skipper.</p> + +<p>"There's always danger," said the doctor, in his best bedside manner. +"Have you made your will?"</p> + +<p>The other, turning pale, shook his head. "Perhaps you'd like to see a +solicitor?" said Carson, in winning tones.</p> + +<p>"I'm not bad enough for that," said the skipper, stoutly.</p> + +<p>"You must stay here and nurse the skipper, Mr. Mackenzie," said Carson, +turning to the mate; "and be good enough not to make that snuffling +noise; it's worrying to an invalid."</p> + +<p>"Snuffling noise?" repeated the horror-struck mate.</p> + +<p>"Yes; you've got an unpleasant habit of snuffling," said the doctor; "it +worries me sometimes, I meant to speak to you about it before. You +mustn't do it here. If you want to snuffle, go and snuffle on deck."</p> + +<p>The frenzied outburst of the mate was interrupted by the skipper. "Don't +make that noise in my cabin, Mr. Mackenzie," he said, severely.</p> + +<p>Both mates withdrew in dudgeon, and Carson, after arranging the +sufferer's bedclothes, quitted the cabin and sought his friend. Mr. +Thomson was at first incredulous, but his eyes glistened brightly at the +sight of the half-sovereign.</p> + +<p>"Better hide it," he said, apprehensively; "the skipper 'll have it back +when he gets well; it's the only coin we've got."</p> + +<p>"He won't get well," said Dr. Carson, easily; "not till we get to Hong- +kong, that is."</p> + +<p>"What's the matter with him?" whispered the solicitor.</p> + +<p>The doctor, evading his eye, pulled a long face and shook his head. "It +may be the cooking," he said, slowly. "I'm not a good cook, I admit. It +might be something got into the food from the medicine-chest. I +shouldn't be at all surprised if the mates are taken bad too."</p> + +<p>And indeed at that very moment the boy came rushing to the galley again, +bawling out that Mr. Mackenzie was lying flat on his stomach in his bunk, +punching the air with his fists and rending it with his language. The +second officer appeared on deck as he finished his tale, and glancing +forward, called out loudly for the cook.</p> + +<p>"You're wanted, Frank," said the solicitor.</p> + +<p>"When he calls me doctor, I'll go," said the other, stiffly.</p> + +<p>"<i>Cook!</i>" bawled the second officer. "<i>Cook!</i> COOK!"</p> + +<p>He came running forward, his face red and angry, and his fist doubled. +"Didn't you hear me calling you?" he demanded, fiercely.</p> + +<p>"I've been promoted," said Carson, sweetly. "I'm ship's surgeon now."</p> + +<p>"Come down below at once, or I'll take you there by the scruff of your +neck," vociferated the other.</p> + +<p>"You're not big enough, little man," said the doctor, still smiling. +"Well, well, lead the way, and we'll see what we can do."</p> + +<p>He followed the speechless second officer below, and found the boy's +description of the first officer's state as moonlight unto sunlight, as +water unto wine. Even the second officer was appalled at the spectacle, +and ventured a protest.</p> + +<p>"Gie me something at once," yelled Mr. Mackenzie.</p> + +<p>"Do you wish me to undertake your case?" inquired the doctor, suavely.</p> + +<p>Mr. Mackenzie said that he did, in seven long, abusive, and wicked +sentences.</p> + +<p>"My fee is half a guinea," said the doctor, softly, poor people who +cannot afford more, mates and the like, I sometimes treat for less."</p> + +<p>"I'll die first," howled the mate; "you won't get any money out of me."</p> + +<p>"Very good," said the doctor, and rose to depart.</p> + +<p>"Bring him back, Rogers," yelled the mate; "don't let him go."</p> + +<p>But the second officer, with a strange awesome look in his eyes, was +leaning back in his seat, tightly gripping the edge of the table in both +hands.</p> + +<p>"Come, come," said the doctor, cheerily—"what's this? You mustn't be +ill, Rogers. I want you to nurse these other two."</p> + +<p>The other rose slowly to his feet and eyed him with lack-lustre eyes. +"Tell the third officer to take charge," he said, slowly; "and if he's to +he nurse as well, he's got his hands full."</p> + +<p>The doctor sent the boy to apprise the third officer of his +responsibilities, and then stood watching the extraordinary and snakelike +convolutions of Mr. Mackenzie.</p> + +<p>"How much—did—ye say?" hissed the latter.</p> + +<p>"Poor people," repeated the doctor, with relish, "five shillings a visit; +very poor people, half a crown."</p> + +<p>"I'll have half a crown's worth," moaned the miserable mate.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Mackenzie," said a faint voice from the skipper's cabin.</p> + +<p>"Sir?" yelled the mate, who was in torment.</p> + +<p>"Don't answer me like that, sir," said the skipper, sharply. "Will you +please to remember that I'm ill, and can't bear that horrible noise +you're making?"</p> + +<p>"I'm—ill—too," gasped the mate.</p> + +<p>"Ill? Nonsense!" said the skipper, severely. "We can't both be ill. +How about the ship?"</p> + +<p>There was no reply, but from another cabin the voice of Mr. Rogers was +heard calling wildly for medical aid, and offering impossible sums in +exchange for it. The doctor went from cabin to cabin, and, first +collecting his fees, administered sundry potions to the sufferers; and +then, in his capacity of cook, went forward and made an unsavory mess he +called gruel, which he insisted upon their eating.</p> + +<p>Thanks to his skill, the invalids were freed from the more violent of +their pains, but this freedom was followed by a weakness so alarming that +they could hardly raise their heads from their pillows—a state of things +which excited the intense envy of the third officer, who, owing to his +responsibilities, might just as well have been without one.</p> + +<p>In this state of weakness, and with the fear of impending dissolution +before his eyes, the skipper sent for Mr. Harry Thomson, and after some +comparisons between lawyers and sharks, in which stress was laid upon +certain redeeming features of the latter, paid a guinea and made his +will. His example, save in the amount of the fee, was followed by the +mate; but Mr. Rogers, being approached tentatively by the doctor in his +friend's behalf, shook his head and thanked his stars he had nothing to +leave. He had enjoyed his money, he said.</p> + +<p>They mended slowly as they approached Hong-kong, though a fit of temper +on Mr. Mackenzie's part, during which he threw out ominous hints about +having his money back, led to a regrettable relapse in his case. He was +still in bed when they came to anchor in the harbour; but the skipper and +his second officer were able to go above and exchange congratulations +from adjoining deck-chairs.</p> + +<p>"You are sure it wasn't cholera?" asked the harbour-master's deputy, who +had boarded them in his launch, after he had heard the story.</p> + +<p>"Positive," said Carson.</p> + +<p>"Very fortunate thing they had you on board," said the deputy—"very +fortunate."</p> + +<p>The doctor bowed.</p> + +<p>"Seems so odd, the three of them being down with it," said the other; +"looks as though it's infectious, doesn't it?"</p> + +<p>"I don't think so," said the doctor, accepting with alacrity an offer to +go ashore in the launch and change into some decent clothes. "I think I +know what it was."</p> + + +<a name="009"></a> +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="009.jpg (39K)" src="009.jpg" height="525" width="440"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<p>The captain of the <i>Stella</i> pricked up his ears, and the second officer +leaned forward with parted lips. Carson, accompanied by the deputy and +the solicitor, walked toward the launch.</p> + +<p>"What was it?" cried the skipper, anxiously.</p> + +<p>"I think that you ate something that disagreed with you," replied the +doctor, grinning meaningly. "Good-by, captain."</p> + +<p>The master of the <i>Stella</i> made no reply, but rising feebly, tottered to +the side, and shook his fist at the launch as it headed for the shore. +Doctor Carson, who had had a pious upbringing, kissed his hand in return.</p> + + + + + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of An Adulteration Act, by W.W. 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Jacobs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: An Adulteration Act + The Lady of the Barge and Others, Part 10. + +Author: W.W. Jacobs + +Release Date: April 22, 2004 [EBook #12130] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AN ADULTERATION ACT *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + +THE LADY OF THE BARGE + +AND OTHER STORIES + +By W. W. Jacobs + + + + +AN ADULTERATION ACT + + +Dr. Frank Carson had been dreaming tantalizing dreams of cooling, +effervescent beverages. Over and over again in his dreams he had risen +from his bed, and tripping lightly down to the surgery in his pajamas, +mixed himself something long and cool and fizzy, without being able to +bring the dream to a satisfactory termination. + +With a sudden start he awoke. The thirst was still upon him; the +materials for quenching it, just down one flight of stairs. He would +have smacked his lips at the prospect if they had been moist enough to +smack; as it was, he pushed down the bedclothes, and throwing one leg out +of bed-became firmly convinced that he was still dreaming. + +For the atmosphere was stifling and odorous, and the ceiling descended in +an odd bulging curve to within a couple of feet of his head. Still half +asleep, he raised his fist and prodded at it in astonishment--a feeling +which gave way to one of stupefaction as the ceiling took another shape +and swore distinctly. + +"I must be dreaming," mused the doctor; "even the ceiling seems alive." + +He prodded it again-regarding it closely this time. The ceiling at once +rose to greater altitudes, and at the same moment an old face with bushy +whiskers crawled under the edge of it, and asked him profanely what he +meant by it. It also asked him whether he wanted something for himself, +because, if so, he was going the right way to work. + +"Where am I?" demanded the bewildered doctor. "Mary! Mary!" + +He started up in bed, and brought his head in sudden violent contact with +the ceiling. Then, before the indignant ceiling could carry out its +threat of a moment before, he slipped out of bed and stood on a floor +which was in its place one moment and somewhere else the next. + +In the smell of bilge-water, tar, and the foetid atmosphere generally his +clouded brain awoke to the fact that he was on board ship, but resolutely +declined to inform him how he got there. He looked down in disgust at +the ragged clothes which he had on in lieu of the usual pajamas; and +then, as events slowly pieced themselves together in his mind, +remembered, as the last thing that he could remember, that he had warned +his friend Harry Thomson, solicitor, that if he had any more to drink it +would not be good for him. + +He wondered dimly as he stood whether Thomson was there too, and walking +unsteadily round the forecastle, roused the sleepers, one by one, and +asked them whether they were Harry Thomson, all answering with much +fluency in the negative, until he came to one man who for some time made +no answer at all. + +The doctor shook him first and then punched him. Then he shook him again +and gave him little scientific slaps, until at length Harry Thomson, in a +far-away voice, said that he was all right. + +"Well, I'm glad I'm not alone," said the doctor, selfishly. "_Harry! +Harry! Wake up!_" + +"All ri'!" said the sleeper; "I'm all ri'!" + +The doctor shook him again, and then rolled him backward and forward in +his bunk. Under this gentle treatment the solicitor's faculties were +somewhat brightened, and, half opening his eyes, he punched viciously at +the disturber of his peace, until threatening voices from the gloom +promised to murder both of them. + +"Where are we?" demanded the doctor, of a deep voice from the other side +of the forecastle which had been particularly threatening. + +"Barque _Stella,_ o' course," was the reply. "Where'd you think you +was?" + +The doctor gripped the edge of his friend's bunk and tried to think; +then, a feeling of nausea overcoming all others, he clambered hurriedly +up the forecastle ladder and lurched to the side of the vessel. + +He leaned there for some time without moving, a light breeze cooling his +fevered brow, and a small schooner some little distance from them playing +seesaw, as he closed his eyes to the heaving blue sea. Land was +conspicuous by its absence, and with a groan he turned and looked about +him--at the white scrubbed deck, the snowy canvas towering aloft on +lazily creaking spars, and the steersman leaning against the wheel +regarding the officer who stood near by. + +Dr. Carson, feeling a little better, walked sternly aft, the officer +turning round and glancing in surprise at his rags as he approached. + +"I beg your pardon," began the doctor, in superior tones. + +"And what the devil do you want?" demanded the second officer; "who told +you to come along here?" + +"I want to know what this means," said the doctor, fiercely. "How dare +you kidnap us on your beastly bilge-tank?" + +"Man's mad," murmured the astonished second officer. + +"Insufferable outrage!" continued the doctor. "Take us back to +Melbourne at once." + +"You get for'ard," said the other sharply; "get for'ard, and don't let me +have any more of your lip." + +"I want to see the captain of this ship," cried the doctor; "go and fetch +him at once." + +The second officer gazed at him, limp with astonishment, and then turned +to the steersman, as though unable to believe his ears. The steersman +pointed in front of him, and the other gave a cry of surprise and rage as +he saw another tatterdemalion coming with uncertain steps toward him. + +"Carson," said the new arrival, feebly; and coming closer to his friend, +clung to him miserably. + +"I'm just having it out with 'em, Thomson," said the doctor, +energetically. "My friend here is a solicitor. Tell him what 'll happen +if they don't take us back, Harry." + +"You seem to be unaware, my good fellow," said the solicitor, covering a +large hole in the leg of his trousers with his hand, "of the very +dangerous situation in which you have placed yourselves. We have no +desire to be harsh with you--" + +"Not at all," acquiesced the doctor, nodding at the second officer. + +"At the same time," continued Mr. Thomson--"at the--" He let go his +friend's arm and staggered away; the doctor gazed after him +sympathetically. + +[Illustration: HE SAW ANOTHER TATTERDEMALION COMING TOWARDS HIM.] + +"His digestion is not all it should be," he said to the second officer, +confidentially. + +"If you don't get for'ard in two twos," said that gentleman, explosively, +"I'll knock your heads off." + +The doctor gazed at him in haughty disdain, and taking the limp Thomson +by the arm, led him slowly away. + +"How did we get here?" asked Mr. Harry Thomson, feebly. + +The doctor shook his head. + +"How did we get these disgusting clothes on?" continued his friend. + +The doctor shook his head again. "The last thing I can remember, Harry," +he said, slowly, "was imploring you not to drink any more." + +"I didn't hear you," said the solicitor, crustily; "your speech was very +indistinct last night." + +"Seemed so to you, I dare say," said the other. + +Mr. Thomson shook his arm off, and clinging to the mainmast, leaned his +cheek against it and closed his eyes. He opened them again at the sound +of voices, and drew himself up as he saw the second officer coming along +with a stern-visaged man of about fifty. + +"Are you the master of this vessel?" inquired the doctor, stepping to +his friend's side. + +"What the blazes has that got to do with you?" demanded the skipper. +"Look here, my lads; don't you play any of your little games on me, +because they won't do. You're both of you as drunk as owls." + +"Defamation of character," said the solicitor, feebly, to his friend. + +"Allow me," said the doctor, with his best manner, "to inquire what all +this means. I am Dr. Frank Carson, of Melbourne; this gentleman is my +friend Mr. Thomson, of the same place, solicitor." + +"What?" roared the skipper, the veins in his forehead standing out. +"Doctor! Solicitor! Why, you damned rascals, you shipped with me as +cook and A. B." + +"There's some mistake," said the doctor. "I'm afraid I shall have to ask +you to take us back. I hope you haven't come far." + +"Take those scarecrows away," cried the skipper, hoarsely; "take them +away before I do them a mischief. I'll have the law of somebody for +shipping two useless lubbers as seamen. Look to me like pickpockets." + +"You shall answer for this," said Carson, foaming; "we're professional +men, and we're not going to be abused by a bargee." + +"Let him talk," said Mr. Thomson, hurriedly drawing his friend away from +the irate skipper. "Let him talk." + +"I'll put you both in quod when we get to Hong-kong," said the skipper. +"Meantime, no work, no food; d'ye hear? Start and cook the breakfast, +Mr. Doctor; and you. Mr. Lawyer, turn to and ask the boy to teach you an +A. B's duties." + +He walked back to the cabin; and the new cook was slowly pushed toward +the galley by the second officer, the new A. B., under the same gentle +guidance, being conducted back to the forecastle. + +Fortunately for the new seamen the weather continued fine, but the heat +of the galley was declared by the new cook to be insupportable. From the +other hands they learned that they had been shipped with several others +by a resourceful boarding-house master. The other hands, being men of +plain speech, also said that they were brought aboard in a state of +beastly and enviable intoxication, and chaffed crudely when the doctor +attributed their apparent state of intoxication to drugs. + +"You say you're a doctor?" said the oldest seaman. + +"I am," said Carson, fiercely. + +"Wot sort of a doctor are you, if you don't know when your licker's been +played with, then?" asked the old man, as a grin passed slowly from mouth +to mouth. + +"I suppose it is because I drink so seldom," said the doctor, loftily. +"I hardly know the taste of liquor myself, while as for my friend Mr. +Thomson, you might almost call him a teetotaler. + +"Next door to one," said the solicitor, who was sewing a patch on his +trousers, as he looked up approvingly. + +"You might call 'im a sailor, if you liked," said another seaman, "but +that wouldn't make him one. All I can say is I never 'ad enough time or +money to get in the state you was both in when you come aboard." + +If the forecastle was incredulous, the cabin was worse. The officers at +first took but little notice of them, but feeling their torn and tattered +appearance was against them, they put on so many airs and graces to +counteract this that flesh and blood could not endure it quietly. The +cook would allude to his friend as Mr. Thomson, while the A. B. would +persist in referring, with a most affected utterance, to Dr. Carson. + +"Cook!" bawled the skipper one day when they were about a week out. + +Dr. Carson, who was peeling potatoes, stepped slowly out of the galley +and went toward him. + +"You say 'Sir,' when you're spoken to," said the skipper, fiercely. + +The doctor sneered. + +"My --- if you sneer at me, I'll knock your head off!" said the other, +with a wicked look. + +"When you get back to Melbourne," said the doctor, quietly, "you'll hear +more of this." + +"You're a couple of pickpockets aping the gentleman," said the skipper, +and he turned to the mate. "Mr. Mackenzie, what do these two ragamuffins +look like?" + +"Pickpockets," said the mate, dutifully. + +"It's a very handy thing," said the old man, jeeringly, "to have a doctor +aboard. First time I've carried a surgeon." + +Mr. Mackenzie guffawed loudly. + +"And a solicitor," said the skipper, gazing darkly at the hapless Harry +Thomson, who was cleaning brasswork. "Handy in case of disputes. He's a +real sea lawyer. _Cook!_" + +"Sir?" said the doctor, quietly. + +"Go down and tidy my cabin, and see you do it well." + +The doctor went below without a word, and worked like a housemaid. When +he came on deck again, his face wore a smile almost of happiness, and his +hand caressed one trousers pocket as though it concealed a hidden weapon. + +For the following three or four days the two unfortunates were worked +unceasingly. Mr. Thomson complained bitterly, but the cook wore a +sphinx-like smile and tried to comfort him. + +"It won't be for long, Harry," he said, consolingly. + +The solicitor sniffed. "I could write tract after tract on temperance," +he said, bitterly. "I wonder what our poor wives are thinking? I expect +they have put us down as dead." + +"Crying their eyes out," said the doctor, wistfully; "but they'll dry +them precious quick when we get back, and ask all sorts of questions. +What are you going to say, Harry?" + +"The truth," said the solicitor, virtuously. + +"So am I," said his friend; "but mind, we must both tell the same tale, +whatever it is. Halloa! what's the matter?" + +"It's the skipper," said the boy, who had just run up; "he wants to see +you at once. He's dying." + +He caught hold of the doctor by the sleeve; but Carson, in his most +professional manner, declined to be hurried. He went leisurely down the +companion-ladder, and met with a careless glance the concerned faces of +the mate and second officer. + +"Come to the skipper at once," said the mate. + +"Does he want to see me?" said the doctor, languidly, as he entered the +cabin. + +The skipper was lying doubled up in his bunk, his face twisted with pain. +"Doctor," he panted, "give me something quick. There's the medicine- +chest." + +"Do you want some food, sir?" inquired the other, respectfully. + +"Food be damned!" said the sufferer. "I want physic. There's the +medicine-chest." The doctor took it up and held it out to him. "I don't +want the lot," moaned the skipper. + +"I want you to give me something for red-hot corkscrews in the inside." + +"I beg your pardon," said the doctor, humbly; "I'm only the cook." + +"If you--don't--prescribe for me at once," said the skipper, "I'll put +you in irons." + +The doctor shook his head. "I shipped as cook," he said, slowly. + +"Give me something, for Heaven's sake!" said the skipper, humbly. "I'm +dying." The doctor pondered. + +"If you dinna treat him at once, I'll break your skull," said the mate, +persuasively. + +The doctor regarded him scornfully, and turned to the writhing skipper. + +"My fee is half a guinea a visit," he said, softly; "five shillings if +you come to me." + +"I'll have half a guinea's worth," said the agonized skipper. + +The doctor took his wrist, and calmly drew the second officer's watch +from its owner's pocket. Then he inspected the sick man's tongue, and +shaking his head, selected a powder from the chest. + +"You mustn't mind its being nasty," he said. "Where's a spoon?" + +He looked round for one, but the skipper took the powder from his hand, +and licked it from the paper as though it had been sherbet. + +"For mercy's sake don't say it's cholera," he gasped. + +"I won't say anything," said the doctor. "Where did you say the money +was?" + +The skipper pointed to his trousers, and Mr. Mackenzie, his national +spirit rising in hot rage, took out the agreed amount and handed it to +the physician. + +"Am I in danger?" said the skipper. + +"There's always danger," said the doctor, in his best bedside manner. +"Have you made your will?" + +The other, turning pale, shook his head. "Perhaps you'd like to see a +solicitor?" said Carson, in winning tones. + +"I'm not bad enough for that," said the skipper, stoutly. + +"You must stay here and nurse the skipper, Mr. Mackenzie," said Carson, +turning to the mate; "and be good enough not to make that snuffling +noise; it's worrying to an invalid." + +"Snuffling noise?" repeated the horror-struck mate. + +"Yes; you've got an unpleasant habit of snuffling," said the doctor; "it +worries me sometimes, I meant to speak to you about it before. You +mustn't do it here. If you want to snuffle, go and snuffle on deck." + +The frenzied outburst of the mate was interrupted by the skipper. "Don't +make that noise in my cabin, Mr. Mackenzie," he said, severely. + +Both mates withdrew in dudgeon, and Carson, after arranging the +sufferer's bedclothes, quitted the cabin and sought his friend. Mr. +Thomson was at first incredulous, but his eyes glistened brightly at the +sight of the half-sovereign. + +"Better hide it," he said, apprehensively; "the skipper 'll have it back +when he gets well; it's the only coin we've got." + +"He won't get well," said Dr. Carson, easily; "not till we get to Hong- +kong, that is." + +"What's the matter with him?" whispered the solicitor. + +The doctor, evading his eye, pulled a long face and shook his head. "It +may be the cooking," he said, slowly. "I'm not a good cook, I admit. It +might be something got into the food from the medicine-chest. I +shouldn't be at all surprised if the mates are taken bad too." + +And indeed at that very moment the boy came rushing to the galley again, +bawling out that Mr. Mackenzie was lying flat on his stomach in his bunk, +punching the air with his fists and rending it with his language. The +second officer appeared on deck as he finished his tale, and glancing +forward, called out loudly for the cook. + +"You're wanted, Frank," said the solicitor. + +"When he calls me doctor, I'll go," said the other, stiffly. + +"_Cook!_" bawled the second officer. "_Cook!_ COOK!" + +He came running forward, his face red and angry, and his fist doubled. +"Didn't you hear me calling you?" he demanded, fiercely. + +"I've been promoted," said Carson, sweetly. "I'm ship's surgeon now." + +"Come down below at once, or I'll take you there by the scruff of your +neck," vociferated the other. + +"You're not big enough, little man," said the doctor, still smiling. +"Well, well, lead the way, and we'll see what we can do." + +He followed the speechless second officer below, and found the boy's +description of the first officer's state as moonlight unto sunlight, as +water unto wine. Even the second officer was appalled at the spectacle, +and ventured a protest. + +"Gie me something at once," yelled Mr. Mackenzie. + +"Do you wish me to undertake your case?" inquired the doctor, suavely. + +Mr. Mackenzie said that he did, in seven long, abusive, and wicked +sentences. + +"My fee is half a guinea," said the doctor, softly, poor people who +cannot afford more, mates and the like, I sometimes treat for less." + +"I'll die first," howled the mate; "you won't get any money out of me." + +"Very good," said the doctor, and rose to depart. + +"Bring him back, Rogers," yelled the mate; "don't let him go." + +But the second officer, with a strange awesome look in his eyes, was +leaning back in his seat, tightly gripping the edge of the table in both +hands. + +"Come, come," said the doctor, cheerily--"what's this? You mustn't be +ill, Rogers. I want you to nurse these other two." + +The other rose slowly to his feet and eyed him with lack-lustre eyes. +"Tell the third officer to take charge," he said, slowly; "and if he's to +he nurse as well, he's got his hands full." + +The doctor sent the boy to apprise the third officer of his +responsibilities, and then stood watching the extraordinary and snakelike +convolutions of Mr. Mackenzie. + +"How much--did--ye say?" hissed the latter. + +"Poor people," repeated the doctor, with relish, "five shillings a visit; +very poor people, half a crown." + +"I'll have half a crown's worth," moaned the miserable mate. + +"Mr. Mackenzie," said a faint voice from the skipper's cabin. + +"Sir?" yelled the mate, who was in torment. + +"Don't answer me like that, sir," said the skipper, sharply. "Will you +please to remember that I'm ill, and can't bear that horrible noise +you're making?" + +"I'm--ill--too," gasped the mate. + +"Ill? Nonsense!" said the skipper, severely. "We can't both be ill. +How about the ship?" + +There was no reply, but from another cabin the voice of Mr. Rogers was +heard calling wildly for medical aid, and offering impossible sums in +exchange for it. The doctor went from cabin to cabin, and, first +collecting his fees, administered sundry potions to the sufferers; and +then, in his capacity of cook, went forward and made an unsavory mess he +called gruel, which he insisted upon their eating. + +Thanks to his skill, the invalids were freed from the more violent of +their pains, but this freedom was followed by a weakness so alarming that +they could hardly raise their heads from their pillows--a state of things +which excited the intense envy of the third officer, who, owing to his +responsibilities, might just as well have been without one. + +In this state of weakness, and with the fear of impending dissolution +before his eyes, the skipper sent for Mr. Harry Thomson, and after some +comparisons between lawyers and sharks, in which stress was laid upon +certain redeeming features of the latter, paid a guinea and made his +will. His example, save in the amount of the fee, was followed by the +mate; but Mr. Rogers, being approached tentatively by the doctor in his +friend's behalf, shook his head and thanked his stars he had nothing to +leave. He had enjoyed his money, he said. + +They mended slowly as they approached Hong-kong, though a fit of temper +on Mr. Mackenzie's part, during which he threw out ominous hints about +having his money back, led to a regrettable relapse in his case. He was +still in bed when they came to anchor in the harbour; but the skipper and +his second officer were able to go above and exchange congratulations +from adjoining deck-chairs. + +"You are sure it wasn't cholera?" asked the harbour-master's deputy, who +had boarded them in his launch, after he had heard the story. + +"Positive," said Carson. + +"Very fortunate thing they had you on board," said the deputy--"very +fortunate." + +The doctor bowed. + +"Seems so odd, the three of them being down with it," said the other; +"looks as though it's infectious, doesn't it?" + +"I don't think so," said the doctor, accepting with alacrity an offer to +go ashore in the launch and change into some decent clothes. "I think I +know what it was." + +The captain of the _Stella_ pricked up his ears, and the second officer +leaned forward with parted lips. Carson, accompanied by the deputy and +the solicitor, walked toward the launch. + +"What was it?" cried the skipper, anxiously. + +[Illustration: THE SECOND OFFICER LEANED FORWARD] + +"I think that you ate something that disagreed with you," replied the +doctor, grinning meaningly. "Good-by, captain." + +The master of the _Stella_ made no reply, but rising feebly, tottered to +the side, and shook his fist at the launch as it headed for the shore. +Doctor Carson, who had had a pious upbringing, kissed his hand in return. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of An Adulteration Act, by W.W. 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