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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12130 ***
+
+THE LADY OF THE BARGE
+
+AND OTHER STORIES
+
+By W. W. Jacobs
+
+
+
+
+AN ADULTERATION ACT
+
+
+Dr. Frank Carson had been dreaming tantalizing dreams of cooling,
+effervescent beverages.  Over and over again in his dreams he had risen
+from his bed, and tripping lightly down to the surgery in his pajamas,
+mixed himself something long and cool and fizzy, without being able to
+bring the dream to a satisfactory termination.
+
+With a sudden start he awoke.  The thirst was still upon him; the
+materials for quenching it, just down one flight of stairs.  He would
+have smacked his lips at the prospect if they had been moist enough to
+smack; as it was, he pushed down the bedclothes, and throwing one leg out
+of bed-became firmly convinced that he was still dreaming.
+
+For the atmosphere was stifling and odorous, and the ceiling descended in
+an odd bulging curve to within a couple of feet of his head.  Still half
+asleep, he raised his fist and prodded at it in astonishment--a feeling
+which gave way to one of stupefaction as the ceiling took another shape
+and swore distinctly.
+
+"I must be dreaming," mused the doctor; "even the ceiling seems alive."
+
+He prodded it again-regarding it closely this time.  The ceiling at once
+rose to greater altitudes, and at the same moment an old face with bushy
+whiskers crawled under the edge of it, and asked him profanely what he
+meant by it.  It also asked him whether he wanted something for himself,
+because, if so, he was going the right way to work.
+
+"Where am I?" demanded the bewildered doctor.  "Mary! Mary!"
+
+He started up in bed, and brought his head in sudden violent contact with
+the ceiling.  Then, before the indignant ceiling could carry out its
+threat of a moment before, he slipped out of bed and stood on a floor
+which was in its place one moment and somewhere else the next.
+
+In the smell of bilge-water, tar, and the foetid atmosphere generally his
+clouded brain awoke to the fact that he was on board ship, but resolutely
+declined to inform him how he got there.  He looked down in disgust at
+the ragged clothes which he had on in lieu of the usual pajamas; and
+then, as events slowly pieced themselves together in his mind,
+remembered, as the last thing that he could remember, that he had warned
+his friend Harry Thomson, solicitor, that if he had any more to drink it
+would not be good for him.
+
+He wondered dimly as he stood whether Thomson was there too, and walking
+unsteadily round the forecastle, roused the sleepers, one by one, and
+asked them whether they were Harry Thomson, all answering with much
+fluency in the negative, until he came to one man who for some time made
+no answer at all.
+
+The doctor shook him first and then punched him.  Then he shook him again
+and gave him little scientific slaps, until at length Harry Thomson, in a
+far-away voice, said that he was all right.
+
+"Well, I'm glad I'm not alone," said the doctor, selfishly. "_Harry!
+Harry!  Wake up!_"
+
+"All ri'!" said the sleeper; "I'm all ri'!"
+
+The doctor shook him again, and then rolled him backward and forward in
+his bunk.  Under this gentle treatment the solicitor's faculties were
+somewhat brightened, and, half opening his eyes, he punched viciously at
+the disturber of his peace, until threatening voices from the gloom
+promised to murder both of them.
+
+"Where are we?"  demanded the doctor, of a deep voice from the other side
+of the forecastle which had been particularly threatening.
+
+"Barque _Stella,_ o' course," was the reply.  "Where'd you think you
+was?"
+
+The doctor gripped the edge of his friend's bunk and tried to think;
+then, a feeling of nausea overcoming all others, he clambered hurriedly
+up the forecastle ladder and lurched to the side of the vessel.
+
+He leaned there for some time without moving, a light breeze cooling his
+fevered brow, and a small schooner some little distance from them playing
+seesaw, as he closed his eyes to the heaving blue sea.  Land was
+conspicuous by its absence, and with a groan he turned and looked about
+him--at the white scrubbed deck, the snowy canvas towering aloft on
+lazily creaking spars, and the steersman leaning against the wheel
+regarding the officer who stood near by.
+
+Dr. Carson, feeling a little better, walked sternly aft, the officer
+turning round and glancing in surprise at his rags as he approached.
+
+"I beg your pardon," began the doctor, in superior tones.
+
+"And what the devil do you want?"  demanded the second officer; "who told
+you to come along here?"
+
+"I want to know what this means," said the doctor, fiercely.  "How dare
+you kidnap us on your beastly bilge-tank?"
+
+"Man's mad," murmured the astonished second officer.
+
+"Insufferable outrage!"  continued the doctor.  "Take us back to
+Melbourne at once."
+
+"You get for'ard," said the other sharply; "get for'ard, and don't let me
+have any more of your lip."
+
+"I want to see the captain of this ship," cried the doctor; "go and fetch
+him at once."
+
+The second officer gazed at him, limp with astonishment, and then turned
+to the steersman, as though unable to believe his ears.  The steersman
+pointed in front of him, and the other gave a cry of surprise and rage as
+he saw another tatterdemalion coming with uncertain steps toward him.
+
+"Carson," said the new arrival, feebly; and coming closer to his friend,
+clung to him miserably.
+
+"I'm just having it out with 'em, Thomson," said the doctor,
+energetically.  "My friend here is a solicitor.  Tell him what 'll happen
+if they don't take us back, Harry."
+
+"You seem to be unaware, my good fellow," said the solicitor, covering a
+large hole in the leg of his trousers with his hand, "of the very
+dangerous situation in which you have placed yourselves.  We have no
+desire to be harsh with you--"
+
+"Not at all," acquiesced the doctor, nodding at the second officer.
+
+"At the same time," continued Mr. Thomson--"at the--"  He let go his
+friend's arm and staggered away; the doctor gazed after him
+sympathetically.
+
+[Illustration: HE SAW ANOTHER TATTERDEMALION COMING TOWARDS HIM.]
+
+"His digestion is not all it should be," he said to the second officer,
+confidentially.
+
+"If you don't get for'ard in two twos," said that gentleman, explosively,
+"I'll knock your heads off."
+
+The doctor gazed at him in haughty disdain, and taking the limp Thomson
+by the arm, led him slowly away.
+
+"How did we get here?"  asked Mr. Harry Thomson, feebly.
+
+The doctor shook his head.
+
+"How did we get these disgusting clothes on?" continued his friend.
+
+The doctor shook his head again.  "The last thing I can remember, Harry,"
+he said, slowly, "was imploring you not to drink any more."
+
+"I didn't hear you," said the solicitor, crustily; "your speech was very
+indistinct last night."
+
+"Seemed so to you, I dare say," said the other.
+
+Mr. Thomson shook his arm off, and clinging to the mainmast, leaned his
+cheek against it and closed his eyes.  He opened them again at the sound
+of voices, and drew himself up as he saw the second officer coming along
+with a stern-visaged man of about fifty.
+
+"Are you the master of this vessel?"  inquired the doctor, stepping to
+his friend's side.
+
+"What the blazes has that got to do with you?"  demanded the skipper.
+"Look here, my lads; don't you play any of your little games on me,
+because they won't do.  You're both of you as drunk as owls."
+
+"Defamation of character," said the solicitor, feebly, to his friend.
+
+"Allow me," said the doctor, with his best manner, "to inquire what all
+this means.  I am Dr. Frank Carson, of Melbourne; this gentleman is my
+friend Mr. Thomson, of the same place, solicitor."
+
+"What?" roared the skipper, the veins in his forehead standing out.
+"Doctor!  Solicitor!  Why, you damned rascals, you shipped with me as
+cook and A. B."
+
+"There's some mistake," said the doctor.  "I'm afraid I shall have to ask
+you to take us back.  I hope you haven't come far."
+
+"Take those scarecrows away," cried the skipper, hoarsely; "take them
+away before I do them a mischief.  I'll have the law of somebody for
+shipping two useless lubbers as seamen.  Look to me like pickpockets."
+
+"You shall answer for this," said Carson, foaming; "we're professional
+men, and we're not going to be abused by a bargee."
+
+"Let him talk," said Mr. Thomson, hurriedly drawing his friend away from
+the irate skipper.  "Let him talk."
+
+"I'll put you both in quod when we get to Hong-kong," said the skipper.
+"Meantime, no work, no food; d'ye hear?  Start and cook the breakfast,
+Mr. Doctor; and you.  Mr. Lawyer, turn to and ask the boy to teach you an
+A. B's duties."
+
+He walked back to the cabin; and the new cook was slowly pushed toward
+the galley by the second officer, the new A. B., under the same gentle
+guidance, being conducted back to the forecastle.
+
+Fortunately for the new seamen the weather continued fine, but the heat
+of the galley was declared by the new cook to be insupportable.  From the
+other hands they learned that they had been shipped with several others
+by a resourceful boarding-house master.  The other hands, being men of
+plain speech, also said that they were brought aboard in a state of
+beastly and enviable intoxication, and chaffed crudely when the doctor
+attributed their apparent state of intoxication to drugs.
+
+"You say you're a doctor?"  said the oldest seaman.
+
+"I am," said Carson, fiercely.
+
+"Wot sort of a doctor are you, if you don't know when your licker's been
+played with, then?" asked the old man, as a grin passed slowly from mouth
+to mouth.
+
+"I suppose it is because I drink so seldom," said the doctor, loftily.
+"I hardly know the taste of liquor myself, while as for my friend Mr.
+Thomson, you might almost call him a teetotaler.
+
+"Next door to one," said the solicitor, who was sewing a patch on his
+trousers, as he looked up approvingly.
+
+"You might call 'im a sailor, if you liked," said another seaman, "but
+that wouldn't make him one.  All I can say is I never 'ad enough time or
+money to get in the state you was both in when you come aboard."
+
+If the forecastle was incredulous, the cabin was worse.  The officers at
+first took but little notice of them, but feeling their torn and tattered
+appearance was against them, they put on so many airs and graces to
+counteract this that flesh and blood could not endure it quietly.  The
+cook would allude to his friend as Mr. Thomson, while the A. B.  would
+persist in referring, with a most affected utterance, to Dr. Carson.
+
+"Cook!" bawled the skipper one day when they were about a week out.
+
+Dr. Carson, who was peeling potatoes, stepped slowly out of the galley
+and went toward him.
+
+"You say 'Sir,' when you're spoken to," said the skipper, fiercely.
+
+The doctor sneered.
+
+"My --- if you sneer at me, I'll knock your head off!"  said the other,
+with a wicked look.
+
+"When you get back to Melbourne," said the doctor, quietly, "you'll hear
+more of this."
+
+"You're a couple of pickpockets aping the gentleman," said the skipper,
+and he turned to the mate.  "Mr. Mackenzie, what do these two ragamuffins
+look like?"
+
+"Pickpockets," said the mate, dutifully.
+
+"It's a very handy thing," said the old man, jeeringly, "to have a doctor
+aboard.  First time I've carried a surgeon."
+
+Mr. Mackenzie guffawed loudly.
+
+"And a solicitor," said the skipper, gazing darkly at the hapless Harry
+Thomson, who was cleaning brasswork.  "Handy in case of disputes.  He's a
+real sea lawyer. _Cook!_"
+
+"Sir?"  said the doctor, quietly.
+
+"Go down and tidy my cabin, and see you do it well."
+
+The doctor went below without a word, and worked like a housemaid.  When
+he came on deck again, his face wore a smile almost of happiness, and his
+hand caressed one trousers pocket as though it concealed a hidden weapon.
+
+For the following three or four days the two unfortunates were worked
+unceasingly.  Mr. Thomson complained bitterly, but the cook wore a
+sphinx-like smile and tried to comfort him.
+
+"It won't be for long, Harry," he said, consolingly.
+
+The solicitor sniffed.  "I could write tract after tract on temperance,"
+he said, bitterly.  "I wonder what our poor wives are thinking?  I expect
+they have put us down as dead."
+
+"Crying their eyes out," said the doctor, wistfully; "but they'll dry
+them precious quick when we get back, and ask all sorts of questions.
+What are you going to say, Harry?"
+
+"The truth," said the solicitor, virtuously.
+
+"So am I," said his friend; "but mind, we must both tell the same tale,
+whatever it is.  Halloa! what's the matter?"
+
+"It's the skipper," said the boy, who had just run up; "he wants to see
+you at once.  He's dying."
+
+He caught hold of the doctor by the sleeve; but Carson, in his most
+professional manner, declined to be hurried.  He went leisurely down the
+companion-ladder, and met with a careless glance the concerned faces of
+the mate and second officer.
+
+"Come to the skipper at once," said the mate.
+
+"Does he want to see me?"  said the doctor, languidly, as he entered the
+cabin.
+
+The skipper was lying doubled up in his bunk, his face twisted with pain.
+"Doctor," he panted, "give me something quick.  There's the medicine-
+chest."
+
+"Do you want some food, sir?"  inquired the other, respectfully.
+
+"Food be damned!" said the sufferer.  "I want physic.  There's the
+medicine-chest."  The doctor took it up and held it out to him.  "I don't
+want the lot," moaned the skipper.
+
+"I want you to give me something for red-hot corkscrews in the inside."
+
+"I beg your pardon," said the doctor, humbly; "I'm only the cook."
+
+"If you--don't--prescribe for me at once," said the skipper, "I'll put
+you in irons."
+
+The doctor shook his head.  "I shipped as cook," he said, slowly.
+
+"Give me something, for Heaven's sake!" said the skipper, humbly.  "I'm
+dying."  The doctor pondered.
+
+"If you dinna treat him at once, I'll break your skull," said the mate,
+persuasively.
+
+The doctor regarded him scornfully, and turned to the writhing skipper.
+
+"My fee is half a guinea a visit," he said, softly; "five shillings if
+you come to me."
+
+"I'll have half a guinea's worth," said the agonized skipper.
+
+The doctor took his wrist, and calmly drew the second officer's watch
+from its owner's pocket.  Then he inspected the sick man's tongue, and
+shaking his head, selected a powder from the chest.
+
+"You mustn't mind its being nasty," he said.  "Where's a spoon?"
+
+He looked round for one, but the skipper took the powder from his hand,
+and licked it from the paper as though it had been sherbet.
+
+"For mercy's sake don't say it's cholera," he gasped.
+
+"I won't say anything," said the doctor.  "Where did you say the money
+was?"
+
+The skipper pointed to his trousers, and Mr. Mackenzie, his national
+spirit rising in hot rage, took out the agreed amount and handed it to
+the physician.
+
+"Am I in danger?"  said the skipper.
+
+"There's always danger," said the doctor, in his best bedside manner.
+"Have you made your will?"
+
+The other, turning pale, shook his head.  "Perhaps you'd like to see a
+solicitor?" said Carson, in winning tones.
+
+"I'm not bad enough for that," said the skipper, stoutly.
+
+"You must stay here and nurse the skipper, Mr. Mackenzie," said Carson,
+turning to the mate; "and be good enough not to make that snuffling
+noise; it's worrying to an invalid."
+
+"Snuffling noise?"  repeated the horror-struck mate.
+
+"Yes; you've got an unpleasant habit of snuffling," said the doctor; "it
+worries me sometimes, I meant to speak to you about it before.  You
+mustn't do it here.  If you want to snuffle, go and snuffle on deck."
+
+The frenzied outburst of the mate was interrupted by the skipper.  "Don't
+make that noise in my cabin, Mr. Mackenzie," he said, severely.
+
+Both mates withdrew in dudgeon, and Carson, after arranging the
+sufferer's bedclothes, quitted the cabin and sought his friend.  Mr.
+Thomson was at first incredulous, but his eyes glistened brightly at the
+sight of the half-sovereign.
+
+"Better hide it," he said, apprehensively; "the skipper 'll have it back
+when he gets well; it's the only coin we've got."
+
+"He won't get well," said Dr. Carson, easily; "not till we get to Hong-
+kong, that is."
+
+"What's the matter with him?"  whispered the solicitor.
+
+The doctor, evading his eye, pulled a long face and shook his head.  "It
+may be the cooking," he said, slowly.  "I'm not a good cook, I admit.  It
+might be something got into the food from the medicine-chest.  I
+shouldn't be at all surprised if the mates are taken bad too."
+
+And indeed at that very moment the boy came rushing to the galley again,
+bawling out that Mr. Mackenzie was lying flat on his stomach in his bunk,
+punching the air with his fists and rending it with his language.  The
+second officer appeared on deck as he finished his tale, and glancing
+forward, called out loudly for the cook.
+
+"You're wanted, Frank," said the solicitor.
+
+"When he calls me doctor, I'll go," said the other, stiffly.
+
+"_Cook!_" bawled the second officer.  "_Cook!_  COOK!"
+
+He came running forward, his face red and angry, and his fist doubled.
+"Didn't you hear me calling you?"  he demanded, fiercely.
+
+"I've been promoted," said Carson, sweetly.  "I'm ship's surgeon now."
+
+"Come down below at once, or I'll take you there by the scruff of your
+neck," vociferated the other.
+
+"You're not big enough, little man," said the doctor, still smiling.
+"Well, well, lead the way, and we'll see what we can do."
+
+He followed the speechless second officer below, and found the boy's
+description of the first officer's state as moonlight unto sunlight, as
+water unto wine.  Even the second officer was appalled at the spectacle,
+and ventured a protest.
+
+"Gie me something at once," yelled Mr. Mackenzie.
+
+"Do you wish me to undertake your case?"  inquired the doctor, suavely.
+
+Mr. Mackenzie said that he did, in seven long, abusive, and wicked
+sentences.
+
+"My fee is half a guinea," said the doctor, softly, poor people who
+cannot afford more, mates and the like, I sometimes treat for less."
+
+"I'll die first," howled the mate; "you won't get any money out of me."
+
+"Very good," said the doctor, and rose to depart.
+
+"Bring him back, Rogers," yelled the mate; "don't let him go."
+
+But the second officer, with a strange awesome look in his eyes, was
+leaning back in his seat, tightly gripping the edge of the table in both
+hands.
+
+"Come, come," said the doctor, cheerily--"what's this?  You mustn't be
+ill, Rogers.  I want you to nurse these other two."
+
+The other rose slowly to his feet and eyed him with lack-lustre eyes.
+"Tell the third officer to take charge," he said, slowly; "and if he's to
+he nurse as well, he's got his hands full."
+
+The doctor sent the boy to apprise the third officer of his
+responsibilities, and then stood watching the extraordinary and snakelike
+convolutions of Mr. Mackenzie.
+
+"How much--did--ye say?"  hissed the latter.
+
+"Poor people," repeated the doctor, with relish, "five shillings a visit;
+very poor people, half a crown."
+
+"I'll have half a crown's worth," moaned the miserable mate.
+
+"Mr. Mackenzie," said a faint voice from the skipper's cabin.
+
+"Sir?"  yelled the mate, who was in torment.
+
+"Don't answer me like that, sir," said the skipper, sharply.  "Will you
+please to remember that I'm ill, and can't bear that horrible noise
+you're making?"
+
+"I'm--ill--too," gasped the mate.
+
+"Ill?  Nonsense!"  said the skipper, severely.  "We can't both be ill.
+How about the ship?"
+
+There was no reply, but from another cabin the voice of Mr. Rogers was
+heard calling wildly for medical aid, and offering impossible sums in
+exchange for it.  The doctor went from cabin to cabin, and, first
+collecting his fees, administered sundry potions to the sufferers; and
+then, in his capacity of cook, went forward and made an unsavory mess he
+called gruel, which he insisted upon their eating.
+
+Thanks to his skill, the invalids were freed from the more violent of
+their pains, but this freedom was followed by a weakness so alarming that
+they could hardly raise their heads from their pillows--a state of things
+which excited the intense envy of the third officer, who, owing to his
+responsibilities, might just as well have been without one.
+
+In this state of weakness, and with the fear of impending dissolution
+before his eyes, the skipper sent for Mr. Harry Thomson, and after some
+comparisons between lawyers and sharks, in which stress was laid upon
+certain redeeming features of the latter, paid a guinea and made his
+will.  His example, save in the amount of the fee, was followed by the
+mate; but Mr. Rogers, being approached tentatively by the doctor in his
+friend's behalf, shook his head and thanked his stars he had nothing to
+leave.  He had enjoyed his money, he said.
+
+They mended slowly as they approached Hong-kong, though a fit of temper
+on Mr. Mackenzie's part, during which he threw out ominous hints about
+having his money back, led to a regrettable relapse in his case.  He was
+still in bed when they came to anchor in the harbour; but the skipper and
+his second officer were able to go above and exchange congratulations
+from adjoining deck-chairs.
+
+"You are sure it wasn't cholera?" asked the harbour-master's deputy, who
+had boarded them in his launch, after he had heard the story.
+
+"Positive," said Carson.
+
+"Very fortunate thing they had you on board," said the deputy--"very
+fortunate."
+
+The doctor bowed.
+
+"Seems so odd, the three of them being down with it," said the other;
+"looks as though it's infectious, doesn't it?"
+
+"I don't think so," said the doctor, accepting with alacrity an offer to
+go ashore in the launch and change into some decent clothes.  "I think I
+know what it was."
+
+The captain of the _Stella_ pricked up his ears, and the second officer
+leaned forward with parted lips.  Carson, accompanied by the deputy and
+the solicitor, walked toward the launch.
+
+"What was it?"  cried the skipper, anxiously.
+
+[Illustration: THE SECOND OFFICER LEANED FORWARD]
+
+"I think that you ate something that disagreed with you," replied the
+doctor, grinning meaningly.  "Good-by, captain."
+
+The master of the _Stella_ made no reply, but rising feebly, tottered to
+the side, and shook his fist at the launch as it headed for the shore.
+Doctor Carson, who had had a pious upbringing, kissed his hand in return.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of An Adulteration Act, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12130 ***