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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+April 23, 1919
, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 23, 1919

+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 2, 2004  [eBook #11872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: iso-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 156, APRIL 23, 1919
***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11872-h.htm or 11872-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/7/11872/11872-h/11872-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/7/11872/11872-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 156
+
+APRIL 23, 1919
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Hull electors," declared a Radical contemporary, "have dealt the
+Coalition a stinging rebuke." But not, as others claim, the _coupon de
+grace_.
+
+       ***
+
+_Ā propos_, a Woking butcher was fined last week for being thirty-two
+thousand coupons short. The report that he has since received a letter
+of condolence from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is not confirmed.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent who has a latchkey would like to hear from a gentleman
+who could fit a house to it.
+
+       ***
+
+A food inspector at Chatham admitted that he could not tell the
+difference between No. 1 grade tinned beef and No. 2 grade. The old
+plan of calling one grade Rover and the other Fido seems to have been
+abolished since the War.
+
+       ***
+
+The EX-CROWN PRINCE, in a recent interview with a Danish newspaper
+man, called LUDENDORFF a liar. LUDENDORFF is believed to be preparing
+a crushing rejoinder, in which he calls the EX-CROWN PRINCE a
+Hohenzollern.
+
+       ***
+
+"The new Bolsheviks," says _The Philatelist_, "are fetching eight
+shillings a pair." It doesn't say where they are fetching it from, but
+it is clear that he loot business has declined since the days of the
+old Bolsheviks.
+
+       ***
+
+The United States Government has purchased four million pounds of
+frozen chickens for the American army. They are to be tested by
+inspectors before shipment to determine whether they are edible. What
+is known in scientific circles as the Soho standard of resilience will
+probably be applied.
+
+       ***
+
+Burglars have broken into an East End moneylender's office. It is not
+known definitely how much they lost.
+
+       ***
+
+The five hundred pounds in notes recently lost by a London hotel guest
+have now been recovered. It appears that a waiter had mistaken them
+for a gratuity.
+
+       ***
+
+The Metropolitan police are trying to establish the identity of a man
+who can give no account of himself and who knows nothing about the
+War. The fact that he was not wearing red tabs only adds to the
+mystery.
+
+       ***
+
+"Some men dance the Jazz dance," says a contemporary, "because it is
+stimulating." It is not known why the others do it.
+
+       ***
+
+A squirrel having been stolen from the Zoo, it is said that the
+authorities are taking no further risks, and that in future all lions
+and tigers will be securely chained to their cages.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported that a much-advertised motor-car, after having its
+engine removed, ran for seven miles on its reputation alone.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the report that a service man had received a letter
+from the Intelligence Department admitting that a certain mistake was
+due to a clerical error, it is now reported that this admission was
+due to another oversight.
+
+       ***
+
+A terrible tragedy was only just averted last week, when a husband,
+who had travelled from the City by tube, and his wife, who had been
+to the Spring bargain sales, failed to recognise each other on their
+return home.
+
+       ***
+
+The War Office, the Board of Trade and the Zoo have formed a Triple
+Alliance for a campaign against rats. As a result of this it is said
+that quite a number of the more timid rodents are afraid to go out
+alone after dark.
+
+       ***
+
+The Society of Public Analysts has been asked by the Food Ministry to
+define a sausage. A number of pedigree sausages are to be submitted
+for classification.
+
+       ***
+
+The Minister of Foreign Affairs in the late Bavarian Soviet Government
+has been placed in a lunatic asylum. The reason for this invidious
+distinction is not assigned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. CHURCHILL ON THE HULL ELECTION:
+
+    "Nothing in these reactions should be taken by the Government
+    as in any way deflecting them from their clear and definite
+    course of reviving the posterity of this country."--_Daily
+    Telegraph_.
+
+All very well, but they must get it born first.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old-fashioned humorous Cow_ (_suddenly_). "Moo!"
+
+_Lady_ (_who all last year was a land-worker_). "Pooh!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MUTABILE SEMPER."
+
+    To such as have a humorous bent
+      Pleasant indeed it was to cull
+    From rival organs what was meant
+      By the enlightened vote of Hull;
+  What process of the mind (if any) drove her
+  To execute that ludicrous turn-over.
+
+    Some held the Peace was too severe,
+      And others not severe enough;
+    The latter cried, "The cause is clear--
+      LLOYD GEORGE is made of flabby stuff;"
+  The former took the line that he had blundered
+  In letting Fritz (their friend) be grossly "plundered."
+
+    Then came a still small voice which said,
+      "The thing that sent the coupon West
+    Was Woman; something in her head
+      Told her that second thoughts were best;
+  To Party laws she hasn't learnt to knuckle
+  (This was the view advanced by Mr. BUCKLE).
+
+    "Men know a 'pledge's' worth by now;
+      They take it with a touch of salt;
+    To Woman 'tis a sacred vow,
+      And for the least alleged default
+  She gives her Chosen One no minute's grace,
+  But treats it like a breach-of-promise case."
+
+    O "Ministering Angels," ye
+      Who yet are mobile as the breeze,
+    Have you alone the right to be
+      "Uncertain, coy and hard to please?"
+  Our Ministerial Angels (GEORGE and kind)--
+  Aren't they allowed, poor males, to change their mind?
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPOIL-SPORT.
+
+Mr. Phillybag was demobilised. The Day had come. For months he had
+dreamed of the possibility--had imagined the joy and alacrity with
+which he would doff his cap, tunic and trousers, service dress, one
+each, and resume the decent broadcloth of a successful City solicitor.
+Strangely enough, however, once he was actually demobilised he
+found himself in no hurry to lose the garb which showed that he, Mr.
+Phillybag, had helped, you know, to put the kybosh on the KAISER. He
+was proud too of the corporal's stripes which he had gained in a very
+short Army career.
+
+That explains why he was in uniform this morning in his office, when
+he opened a letter from Ernest Williams, his former junior clerk. He
+remembered Williams well--how in the early days of the War that youth
+had seen Lord KITCHENER point his finger from the hoardings at him,
+and there and then, discovering that the Ordnance Department possessed
+a cap, size 6-7/8, which fitted him, had followed instructions and
+immediately commenced to wear it. Now he had written to Mr. Phillybag
+to inform him that, as he expected to be demobilised shortly, he was
+calling at eleven o'clock to discuss the question of re-entering his
+employ.
+
+Mr. Phillybag rubbed his hands together in satisfaction. He was
+looking forward to the interview. Since Armistice Day he had read
+every article he could find written on the subject of demobilisation
+and its humours; consequently he knew exactly what he was expected
+to do. When Williams entered, in all the glory of a Captain's stars,
+perhaps even a Major's crown, the ribbon of the D.S.O. or the M.C., or
+both, on his breast, he, Corporal Phillybag, would spring smartly to
+attention, salute and address his junior clerk as "Sir."
+
+He chuckled with delight as he visualised the piquant scene. Reseating
+himself, he would briskly resume his interrupted work for a moment
+while be kept his superior officer waiting. Then--
+
+"Mr. Williams to see you, Sir," said one of his clerks.
+
+"Show him in at once."
+
+On his appearance Mr. Phillybag suffered a slight recoil, but
+recovered himself quickly and exchanged embarrassed greetings. An
+awkward pause followed. At length Mr. Phillybag broke it.
+
+"Williams," he said severely, "I'm surprised at you. Who ever heard
+of an employee returning to civil life from the Army with a lower
+rank than the one his employer holds? Four years in khaki and only a
+lance-corporal! You've spoiled my whole morning. It's men with
+careers like yours who make the profession of humorous journalism so
+precarious."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOUVENIR OF COLOGNE.
+
+"Am I really awake, or is it all a beautiful dream?" I said, pinching
+myself to make sure.
+
+At the other end of the room an unmistakably German band was playing
+"Roses of Picardy," while all around me German waiters were running
+about deferentially, with trays in their hands. Even as I wondered one
+of them approached and laid the bill on my table with a friendly smile
+and "Tree mark, bleesir."
+
+Then I remembered that I was at the British Officers' Club in Cologne.
+
+"How interested they will be at home," I thought, "when they know
+where I am. And of course I must send them souvenirs of my Watch on
+the Rhine;" and thoughtfully I produced from my pocket some local
+tram-tickets, kept for the younger members of the family, and patted
+a box of two-penny cigars encouragingly. These I was going to send to
+my brother.
+
+Then I rose and, paying the bill, went out to purchase a suitable
+memento for a younger sister. Slowly I wandered along the crowded
+Hohestrasse in the direction of the Opera House, peering into the
+shop-windows for something redolent of the land I was in. Presently
+a bright-looking sweetshop attracted me. The window contained a
+beautiful selection of chocolate-boxes, with pictures of the Cathedral
+or the Rhine Maidens on the lids. In I went and selected a handsome
+sample, bound with red plush and bordered with sea-shells. But it was
+empty. "Nix sweets," said the girl behind the counter, and offered me
+the alternative of a bun. Nothing doing, and I passed on.
+
+Further along the street I stopped before a chemist's shop to regard
+a huge pyramid of bottles of eau-de-Cologne displayed in the window.
+
+"The very thing," I said to myself. "What more appropriate souvenir
+than a bottle of the local produce?"
+
+That was ten days ago, and this morning I received the following
+letter:--.
+
+"Thank you _so_ much for the scent; it was sweet of you, and
+arrived safely, only I don't think it _quite_ so nice as the _real_
+eau-de-Cologne which I buy at Brown's shop [Brown is the village
+grocer] for three-and-nine a bottle. And he says they must have taken
+you in properly with a German imitation called eau-de-_Köln_, and
+expects you had to pay a pretty penny for it, though I hope you
+didn't, poor boy."
+
+Reader, I ask you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "INFLUENZA EPIDEMIC--PUBLIC MEETING.
+
+    "In order to comply with the regulations of the Board of
+    Health, each person attending the meeting must occupy 25
+    sq. feet space."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+"Let me have men about me that are fat."--_Julius Cæsar_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHEERFUL PACHYDERM.
+
+ELEPHANT (_faintly intrigued_). "WHO'S THAT TICKLING ME?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PEACE PREPARATIONS.
+
+_Music-hall Artist_ (_to partner_). "I RECKON WE OUGHT TO INTRODUCE
+SOME NEW FEATURE INTO THE TURN, WITH PEACE COMIN'."
+
+_Partner_. "AH, I'VE BEEN THINKING OF IT TOO. WHAT ABAHT PINK FACINGS
+FOR OUR EVENING DRESS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BLUE HAT.
+
+Nancy came softly into my study and stood at the side of the desk,
+where I was busy with some work on account of which I had stayed away
+from the office that morning.
+
+"Do you like it?" she said.
+
+I felt a momentary anxiety as I looked up. I had made a bad mistake
+only a little time before, having waxed enthusiastic over what I took
+to be a new blouse when it was a question of hair-dressing, the blouse
+having been worn by my wife, so she solemnly averred, "every evening
+for the last two months."
+
+But this time no mistake was possible. You don't go about the house at
+eleven o'clock on a cold Spring morning fancifully arrayed in a pale
+blue hat with white feathery things sticking out all round it, unless
+there is a particular reason for so doing.
+
+"I think it's a delightful hat," I said, "and suits you splendidly.
+But I thought you never wore blue?"
+
+"I don't," said Nancy; "that's what makes me rather doubtful. I didn't
+really mean to buy it at all. I went in to Marguerite's--you know,
+that heavenly shop at the corner of the square"--I nodded; of course
+I knew Marguerite's--"to ask the price of a jade-green jumper they
+had in the window--oh, my dear, a perfect angel of a jumper!--and they
+showed me this. That red-haired assistant almost _made_ me buy it;
+said she had never seen me in a hat that suited me so well; and really
+it wasn't so very dear. But I _was_ a little doubtful. However--"
+
+"She was quite right," I said very decidedly. "Did you get the
+what-you-may-call-it--the other thing?"
+
+Nancy's face expressed poignant anguish.
+
+"Twelve guineas," she said. "I simply couldn't run to it. Of course I
+was heart-broken. Still, it wasn't as if I really needed anything just
+now. It would have been ridiculous extravagance. But it really was an
+angel."
+
+She turned to go, stopping a moment on the way out to have another
+look at herself in the little round mirror over the mantel-piece.
+
+"I'm not quite happy about it," I heard her murmur as she went out.
+
+The next morning I found a letter waiting for me at the office which
+brought me news of a totally unexpected windfall of some fifty odd
+pounds. It was a sunny morning, too, with a distinct feeling of Spring
+in the air.
+
+I felt like being extravagant, and my mind flew at once to Nancy and
+her jade-green--what was the name of the thing?--that she had wanted
+so badly.
+
+I left the office early, and on my way home managed to summon up
+sufficient courage to carry me through the discreetly curtained doors
+of Madame Marguerite's _recherché_ establishment, devoutly hoping that
+the nervous sinking which I felt about my heart was not reflected in
+my outer demeanour.
+
+The red-haired girl, in spite of a curiously detached and supercilious
+air, as who should say, "Take it or leave it; it concerns me not in
+the least," which at first rather alarmed me, was really quite kind
+and helpful.
+
+"Something in jade-green that Moddom admired? A hat perhaps?"
+
+No, I knew it was not a hat. I murmured something about twelve
+guineas. This seemed to be enlightening.
+
+Ah, yes, a jumper probably. They had had a jade-green jumper at that
+price, she believed. If I would sit down for a moment she would send
+someone to see if it were still unsold.
+
+I felt very anxious while I waited, but the emissary presently
+returned with the garment over her arm.
+
+Yes, that was undoubtedly the one. She remembered how much Moddom had
+admired it. It had suited Moddom so well too.
+
+While it was being packed up, for I decided to take it with me, a
+small boy arrived with several hat-boxes, which he put down on the
+floor.
+
+Red-hair proceeded to unpack them, carefully, almost reverently,
+extracting the hats from the folds of surrounding tissue-paper and
+placing them one by one in various cupboards and drawers. Presently
+she drew forth from one of the boxes--I felt sure I was not
+mistaken--that very blue hat which I had admired only the day before
+upon the head of my wife.
+
+I gave an involuntary exclamation. Red-hair looked at me.
+
+"Surely," I said, feeling inwardly rather proud at recognising it
+again--"surely that hat is exactly like one that my wife bought
+yesterday."
+
+Red-hair was hurt. "It is the same hat," she said coldly. "We never
+make two models alike."
+
+I tried to mollify her. "I can't understand her sending it back," I
+said. "I think it's an extremely pretty hat, and it suits her so well.
+But perhaps there was some alteration necessary. It may not have quite
+fitted or something?"
+
+Red-head dived gracefully into the box and drew forth a note from the
+tissue-paper billows.
+
+A faint flicker expressive of I knew not what hidden emotion seemed to
+pass for one moment over her aristocratic features as she read it. But
+it vanished instantaneously, and she turned to me with her previous
+air of haughty and imperturbable aloofness.
+
+"Moddom is not keeping the hat," she said.
+
+I felt somehow a little snubbed, and said no more, and, my parcel
+appearing at this moment, I paid and departed.
+
+Nancy's joy over the jumper more than came up to my expectations. When
+she had calmed down a little I bethought myself of the matter of the
+hat.
+
+"Oh, yes," said Nancy in reply to my question, "I sent it back after
+all. It won't matter in the least now that you have bought this."
+
+"But why didn't you keep it?" I said.
+
+"Well, I really felt I didn't like it so very much," said Nancy, "and,
+as you didn't seem quite to like it either--"
+
+"My dear girl," I protested, "I told you I thought it was charming."
+
+"Well, anyway you said that blue didn't suit me," persisted my wife.
+"You _did_, George."
+
+There was a moment's pause. It was no use saying anything. Suddenly
+Nancy jumped up and clutched me by the arm.
+
+"George," she said anxiously, "you didn't, you didn't say anything
+about that hat to the girl in the shop, did you?"
+
+"I believe I mentioned that I thought it was extremely pretty, and
+that I was sorry you weren't keeping it," I replied airily. "But why?"
+For my wife's face had suddenly assumed an expression of horrified
+dismay.
+
+"I shall never be able to go into that shop again," she wailed,
+"never. I wrote them a note saying that I was not keeping the hat
+because _my husband very much disliked it_, and that I didn't care
+ever to wear anything of which he didn't approve."
+
+What is really very unfair about the whole thing is that I know
+that Nancy thinks me entirely to blame. Indeed she told me so. When
+I ventured to point out that she had not been quite truthful in
+the matter she was at first genuinely and honestly amazed, and
+subsequently so indignant that I was fain ultimately to apologise.
+
+In looking back upon the episode I am filled with admiration for
+the red-haired girl. I consider that she showed extraordinary
+self-restraint in what must have been a peculiarly tempting situation.
+
+R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing
+steamer's red and green lights_). "'ERE'S SOME LIGHTS ON THE STARBOARD
+SIDE, SIR."
+
+_Officer_. "WELL, WHAT IS IT?"
+
+_R.H_. "LOOKS TO ME LIKE A CHEMIST'S SHOP, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMALL-TALK.
+
+"Of course you must come," said Mary; "it's nonsense to say you can't
+dance."
+
+Mary is married to my first cousin, Thomas. I looked at Thomas, but
+saw no hope of support. Thomas labours under the delusion that he can
+jazz.
+
+"It isn't only the dancing," I protested; "it's the conversational
+strain. Besides, as one of the original founders of the League to
+Minimise Gossip amongst General Staff Officers--"
+
+"Rot!" said Thomas; "you simply let your partners do the talking.
+You needn't even listen. Just say 'Quite' in your most official tone
+whenever you hear them saying nothing."
+
+Thomas, although my first cousin, is not bright; but I had to go.
+
+For the first few dances I escaped; the crowd round the door was
+so dense that I saw at once that I should be trampled to death if
+I attempted to enter. Then I was caught by Mary and introduced to
+a total stranger.
+
+I suppose there are people who do not mind kicking a total stranger
+round the room to the strain of cymbals, a motor siren and a
+frying-pan. I fancy the lady expressed a desire to stop, but as her
+words were lost in the orchestral pandemonium I realised that as long
+as the dulcet chords continued conversation was impossible; so we
+danced on.
+
+Fortunately too, when the interval came, she was full of small-talk.
+
+"Isn't the floor good? And I always like this band."
+
+"Quite," said I.
+
+"Rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses to give a dance."
+
+"Quite," said I.
+
+"Especially when their eldest boy, the one, you know, who was so
+frightfully good at golf or something, has just got into a mess
+with--"
+
+"Quite," said I, while she plunged into a flood of reminiscences.
+She did not ask whether I could jazz, mainly, I think, because I had
+already danced with her. I concentrated my thoughts on the best means
+of avoiding Mary when the music began again, and just threw in an
+occasional "Quite" to keep the lady in a good temper.
+
+But there was no escaping Mary.
+
+"You _must_ go and dance with Miss Carter," she told me, adducing
+incontrovertible arguments. I am terrified of Miss Carter, who can
+only be described as "statuesque" and always does the right thing
+(which makes her crushing to the verge of discourtesy). I am always
+being asked if I know whether she is "only twenty-two." It was not
+without satisfaction that I initiated her into my style of dancing.
+
+To my horror, when we stopped she sat in silence, regarding me with
+an air of expectant boredom. I racked my brains.
+
+"Good floor, isn't it?" said I.
+
+"Quite," said Miss Carter.
+
+"Jolly good band too."
+
+"Quite," said Miss Carter.
+
+"And rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses, don't you think?"
+
+She said it again. By this time I felt convinced that all the other
+couples within hearing were listening to us. Miss Carter is that sort
+of person.
+
+"Of course," I said with a nervous laugh, "it's rather absurd for me
+to say anything about it, because, you know, dancing isn't much in my
+line."
+
+"Quite," said Miss Carter.
+
+That settled it; I felt I must stop her at all costs. I cleared my
+throat and spoke as distinctly as I could.
+
+"I'm always being asked a conundrum, Miss Carter, and you're the one
+person who can tell me the true answer. Am I permitted to ask it?"
+
+"Quite," said Miss Carter, for the first time almost smiling. I
+plucked up courage.
+
+"It's this: how old are you?"
+
+She stopped herself just in time. Her answer was given in a tone
+which expressed at the same time her contempt for my breach of the
+conventions and the fact that she was too indifferent to think me
+worth snubbing.
+
+"Twenty-two," said she.
+
+"Quite," said I.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HAIR DONE, MADAM?"
+
+"WELL, I WANT TO GET IT DEBOBBED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAREER (POSTPONED).
+
+MY DEAR JAMES,--A few weeks ago I wrote to tell you that ere long the
+military machine would be able to spare one of its cogs--myself. I
+discussed possible careers in civil life, and since then I had almost
+decided on "filbert-grower." Had things gone well, by the beginning of
+June you should have received a first instalment of forced filberts.
+
+Now this cannot be. The cog is shown to be indispensable. I must
+remain a soldier.
+
+Why do they want me, James? I am nothing like a soldier. I cannot
+click my heels as other men do. I try, Heaven knows how I try, but all
+the C.O. hears is a sound as of two cabbages being slapped together.
+And my word of command! The critics say it is like a cry for help in
+a London fog.
+
+My haversack contains no trace of any Field-Marshal's baton. You are
+aware that every private soldier's haversack is issued complete with
+"Batons, one, Field-Marshal (potential), for the use of." But there is
+no authority for such an issue for commissioned ranks.
+
+Is it because of my manner with men and my powers as a disciplinarian?
+I fear not. If a man is brought before me for summary jurisdiction a
+lump rises in my throat and I want to cry. I am always sure he didn't
+mean to do it. As for military law, I am shaky on the fines for
+drunkenness, and I don't feel at all sure whether death at dawn or two
+extra fatigues is the maximum punishment for having one string of the
+hold-all longer than the other when on active service.
+
+When I kicked the bell-push towards the end of last guest-night the
+Adjutant said he should mark me down for the job of Physical Training
+Officer; but I hope he was only joking. I am not built for the work.
+My frame is puny and my countenance irresolute. I hate bending and
+stretching my arms; they creak and frighten me. I never could squat on
+my heels like a thingummy.
+
+I might, if allowed, make a hit as Messing Officer. With the aid of
+my Cookery Course notes I can differentiate between no fewer than
+thirty-four different types of rissole. Unfortunately we already have
+a Messing Officer of deadly efficiency. He can classify dripping by
+instinct. He can memorise at sight all the revolting contents of a
+swill-tub. My rissole lore is a poor asset in comparison.
+
+No, James, I think I have it. One day you will read that our Armies
+of Occupation consist of so many hundred thousands of all ranks,
+including, perhaps, 35,001 officers. That is why they retain me.
+I shall be the "1" at the end of the thousands. It is your humble
+servant's function to keep the Armies of Occupation up to strength.
+
+Are we to be robbed of the fruits of victory? The reply is in the
+negative. Therefore, when next June comes along and you yearn for
+the early filberts, do not be fretty. Remember that I am gathering
+in fruits of another and a nobler kind. Yours ever,
+
+WILLIAM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SORRY, MUM, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU'LL 'AVE TER STAY
+UPSTAIRS 'COS THE AFFILIATED SOCIETY OF PIANNER-SHIFTERS 'AS CALLED A
+GENERAL STRIKE THIS MINNIT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW BREAD FOR OLD.
+
+    ["New Bread Again"--"Loaves of Any Shape."--_Headlines from a
+    Daily Paper_.]
+
+  As I walked forth in Baker Street
+    As sober as a Quaker,
+  Whom did I have the luck to meet?
+    I met a jolly Baker.
+  His voice was gay, his eye was bright,
+    His step was light and airy,
+  His face and arms were powdered white--
+    I think he was a fairy;
+  He danced beneath the April moon,
+    And as he danced he trolled
+  Wild snatches of an ancient rune,
+  Yet all the burden of his tune
+    Was "New--Bread--for Old!"
+
+  Quoth I: "Whence got you, lad, a heart
+    So glad that you must show it?"
+  Quoth he: "The Baker hath his art
+    No less, Sir, than the Poet;
+  I tell ye, I'm so blithe to-night
+    I'd paint the old Moon's orb red!
+  Oh, think ye that I took delight
+    For years in baking war-bread?
+  One shape, one colour and one size,
+    By Government controlled?
+  But now all this to limbo flies;
+  What wonder that to-night I cries
+    'New--Bread--for Old?'
+
+  "Good Sir, the Baker hath a soul
+    And loves to make bread pleasant--
+  The Twist, the long Vienna Roll,
+    The Horseshoe and the Crescent,
+  The Milk, the Tin, the lovely loaf
+    Where currants one discovers,
+  The Wholemeal for the country oaf,
+    The Knot for all true lovers.
+  So, till upon the glowing East
+    The sun in red and gold
+  Comes forth to bake the daily feast,
+  I'll cry with heart as light as yeast,
+    'New--Bread--for Old!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN ICARUS.
+
+    "After an hour's flight over the frozen Conception Bay and
+    the town of St. John's, Mr. Hawker made a perfect landing. He
+    appeared more than over confident of success."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+    "General admiration and sympathy is extended to Mr. Tawker
+    due to his frankness regarding his progress towards making
+    the trans-ocean flight."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+We trust our contemporaries are not in a conspiracy to represent the
+gallant aviator as a hot-air man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Presently, when aviation becomes a commonplace, the fares
+    will come down."--_Daily Dispatch_.
+
+That's just what makes us so nervous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEACE TERMS.
+
+BEING SOME LETTERS OF MRS. PARTINGTON TO HER SISTER.
+
+    [Conferences between mistresses and servants are being held in
+    various parts of the country to discuss terms of peace in the
+    domestic world.]
+
+_Puddleford_.
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--We haven't got a servant yet, but we are clutching at
+a new hope. There is to be a conference here between mistresses
+and maids, to discuss and readjust the servants' rights and the
+mistresses' wrongs--or is it the other way about? Anyhow, I shall
+attend that conference. I shall bribe, plead, consent to any
+arrangement if I can but net a cook-general. Ten months of doing
+my own washing-up has brought me to my knees, while Harry says the
+performance of menial duties has crushed his spirit.
+
+Of course, Harry does make such a fuss of things. You might think, to
+hear him talk, that the getting up of coal, lighting fires, chopping
+wood and cleaning flues was the entire work of a household, instead
+of being mere incidents in the daily routine. If he had to tackle _my_
+duties--but men never seem to understand how much there is to do in a
+house.
+
+I will tell you about the conference when I write again.
+
+Yours always, DODO.
+
+
+_Puddleford_.
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--The conference was a most interesting affair; the one
+going on in Paris could never be half so thrilling. There was a goodly
+attendance of servants, and they had their own spokeswoman. We spoke
+for ourselves--those of us who were not too dazed at the sight of so
+many "treasures" almost within our grasp.
+
+What the servants wanted was not unreasonable. They chiefly demanded a
+certain time to themselves during the day, with fixed hours for meals,
+evening free, etc.
+
+Then Mrs. Boydon-Spoute got up--you know how that woman loves to
+hear herself talk--and said that such demands were outrageous. (It's
+easy for her to raise objections. She has somehow paralysed her two
+servants into staying with her for over ten years.) She pointed out
+that under such conditions the servant would have more freedom than
+the mistress; and to allow the working classes to thus get the upper
+hand was nothing short of encouraging Bolshevism in the home. Dreadful
+thing to say, wasn't it?
+
+The servants got rather restive at that. When I thought of the two
+days' washing-up waiting for me at home I retorted with spirit that
+servants had as much right to freedom as we, and it was our duty to
+guard their interests--and lots of inspired things like that, glaring
+at Mrs. Boydon-Spoute the while.
+
+I spoke so well that a cook-general offered herself to me as soon as
+the conference was over. She comes in on Monday.
+
+Yours in transports, DODO.
+
+
+_Puddleford_.
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--Emma, the new maid, has arrived. Harry is as relieved
+as I am and was quite cheerful while I was dressing the gash he had
+inflicted on his hand while chopping wood. Isn't it strange that men
+can never give the slightest assistance in the house without getting
+themselves hurt in some way?
+
+Emma promises to be a treasure. If mistresses would only show a little
+humanity there never would be any servant trouble at all. It is people
+like Mrs. Boydon-Spoute who are responsible for it.
+
+Yours, purring content, DODO.
+
+
+_Puddleford._
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--I am sorry not to have written for such a long time. I
+have been so extremely busy.
+
+You see, when Emma has had her two hours free daily, her
+hour-and-a-half off for dinner, with half-an-hour for other meals,
+every evening out as well as two afternoons a week, you would be
+surprised what little leisure is left to her for the housework.
+
+She gets in what she can, of course, and I do the rest. Doing the
+rest, by the way, takes up a great deal of my time. But I generally
+have an hour free in the evenings.
+
+Your brave DODO.
+
+
+_Puddleford_.
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--I am glad to say Emma has gone and I am putting my name
+down at a registry-office in the usual way. It's too much of a strain
+having "conference" girls in the home.
+
+Who was it said that if we are to allow the working classes to get the
+upper hand it was nothing short of encouraging Bolshevism in the home?
+Anyhow, I think he--or perhaps it was she--must be right.
+
+I must close rather hastily. I have just heard a terrific crash in the
+kitchen; I'm afraid Harry has dropped something on his foot _again_.
+
+Your long-suffering DODO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. ----, like a fatherly hen, hovered over all, satisfying
+    himself that nothing had been omitted that could detract from
+    their comfort."--_Egyptian Mail._
+
+We cannot imagine any hen, however unsexed, behaving like that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RHYMES OF RANK.
+
+  Vice-Admirals command a base;
+  Their forms blend dignity with grace.
+  You never see the smallest trace
+  Of levity upon the face
+  Of one who wears a Vice's lace.
+  For Admirals to romp and race
+  Or frolic in a public place
+  Is held to be a great disgrace;
+  I do not think a single case
+  Of this has happened at our base.
+
+  The Commodore, the Commodore
+  Is very popular ashore;
+  He can relate an endless store
+  Of yarns which scarcely ever bore
+  Till they are told three times or more.
+  The ladies young and old adore
+  This man who bathed in Teuton gore
+  And practically won the War;
+  But once, a fact I much deplore,
+  A General was heard to snore
+  While seated near the Commodore.
+
+  The Captain dwells aloof, alone;
+  He has a cabin of his own;
+  And should the smallest nose be blown,
+  Though softly and with dulcet tone,
+  In earshot of this sacred zone
+  The very ship herself would groan.
+  Yes, Captains (though but flesh and bone
+  Like little snotties, be it known)
+  Are best severely left alone.
+
+  Commanders are a stern-eyed folk
+  Who may or may not take a joke;
+  It really isn't safe to poke
+  Light fun at any three-ringed bloke;
+  You may be sorry that you spoke.
+  Their ways are proud; they sport the oak;
+  They are not tame enough to stroke;
+  I greatly dread these grim-eyed folk.
+
+  Lieutenants of the R.N.V.
+  Were born and bred on land, not sea,
+  And ancient mariners like me
+  With sly grimace and winks of glee
+  Would watch them when the winds blew free,
+  Or send them down a cup of tea.
+  But soon their deeds became their plea
+  For standing with the Big Navee
+  In equal fame and dignity:
+  While even Subs. R.N. agree
+  They're better than they used to be,
+  These Looties of the R.N.V.
+
+  Sub-Loots are nothing if not sports;
+  The nicest girls in all the ports
+  Declare they are the best of sorts
+  And useful on the tennis-courts.
+  In gun-rooms, where their rank resorts,
+  They bandy quips and shrewd retorts,
+  And swig champagne, not pints but quarts.
+  I said at first that they were sports.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Headmaster_ (_interviewing new boy_). "AT WHAT SCHOOL
+WERE YOU LAST, MY BOY?"
+
+_New Boy_. "P-P-PLEASE, SIR, AT A ST-T-T-TAMMERING T-TUTOR'S"; (_feels
+he is not making the best of himself_) "B-BUT THEY T-TAUGHT OTHER
+THINGS BESIDES ST-T-T-TAMMERING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WITH THE RED GUARDS.
+
+    A good deal of curiosity exists regarding the management of
+    the Bolshevik army, in which it is stated that discipline
+    does not exist. A copy of Battalion Orders may therefore be
+    of interest:
+
+_BATTALION ORDERS_
+
+BY MAJOR TROTOFF
+
+(COMMANDING THE 22ND BATTALION THE RED GUARDS).
+
+(1) DETAIL.
+
+Disorderly Officer--LOOT VODKAWITCH.
+
+Next for duty (if so disposed): LOOT PUTAWAYSKY.
+
+(2) PARADES.
+
+The Battalion (or such of it as has no other engagement) will parade
+as strong as possible on the Peter-and-Paulsky Prospekt, at 10.30 A.M.
+for 9.30 A.M.
+
+DRESS.
+
+Barging order, with rifles, razors, knives, pokers and horsewhips.
+
+The following scheme will be carried out:--
+
+_General Idea_.--A few families of the Bourgeois class have taken up
+a position in certain cellars in West End of City. Patrols report that
+they still possess a few valuables.
+
+_Special Idea_.--The O.C. invites the Battalion to occupy district and
+help itself.
+
+(3) COMMAND.
+
+The Second in Command of this unit regrets to announce that he found
+it necessary to sentence his Commanding Officer to forty-two days No.
+1 F.P. for attempting to maintain discipline; the Second in Command
+therefore assumes command of this unit in the absence of the C.O. now
+serving sentence.
+
+(4) COURSE.
+
+Would a few officers mind being detailed for the
+hundred-and-twenty-first course in the use of Private House Grenades,
+13th of this month?
+
+(5) BOOTS, BOLSHEVISTS FOR THE USE OF, ISSUE OF.
+
+The Quartermaster would be greatly obliged if private gentlemen of
+the Battalion requiring boots would favour him with a visit at any
+time during the day or night.
+
+If not inconvenient to them it would be a kindness if they let him
+know what they take.
+
+NOTICE.
+
+The Officer at present in command of the Battalion has pleasure in
+announcing that the private residence of the Commanding Officer,
+which contains a large number of objects of great beauty and value,
+is through its owner's unavoidable absence at present unguarded.
+
+In these circumstances the O.C. is pleased to grant an extension to
+all ranks until twelve midnight.
+
+P. PIPSKY,
+
+_Captain and Agitant_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SUPER-MORMON.
+
+    "A Nelson soldier in a letter states that General ----
+    informed his unit that he had 2,000 wives to ship out to New
+    Zealand, and another 2,000 would be ready to leave England
+    during the next few months."--_New Zealand Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  There was an industrial freak,
+  As a labourer sadly to seek;
+    But he leapt into fame
+    By preferring a claim
+  For a general Ten-Minutes' Week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Vicar_ (_to parishioner who has violent quarrels
+with her neighbour_), "MRS. CRABBE SENT A MESSAGE THAT SHE HAS QUITE
+FORGIVEN YOU. WHAT MESSAGE CAN I TAKE TO HER?"
+
+_Parishioner_. "YOU CAN SAY I 'OPE SHE'LL DIE 'APPY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FEARFUL ODDS.
+
+  There's no fear that strikes so dumb,
+  None so hard to overcome,
+  As the thought that there are two
+  Eyes that _may_ be watching you.
+  Here's a perfect illustration
+  Of that sickening sensation.
+
+  Young Lieutenant Jimmy Spry's
+  Power resided in his eyes;
+  He'd been able all his days
+  To revolve them different ways.
+  For example, let's suppose
+  That the right one watched his nose,
+  Then the left--you'll think it queer--
+  Turned towards his dexter ear.
+  But what really made him great
+  Was--he always _saw_ things straight.
+
+  Out in France, a year ago,
+  He was cornered by the foe;
+  Neither party had a gun,
+  But the odds were three to one
+  And the Huns were fit and strong;
+  One was lean and very long,
+  One was short and stout of calf,
+  While the third was half and half.
+
+  Jimmy, spoiling for a fight,
+  Fixed the short one with his right,
+  While his left with martial glare
+  Met the long 'un's startled stare;
+  But--I know it sounds absurd--
+  He was _looking_ at the third.
+
+  Jimmy was, I'd have you know,
+  Something of a boxing pro.,
+  So he knew the golden maxim:
+  "He who eyes his man best whacks him."
+  Shorty, when he saw the grim
+  Optic that was turned on him,
+  Thinking Jimmy's fist looked hard
+  Prudently remained on guard.
+  Canny Hun! And who can blame
+  Longshanks if he did the same?
+  But our hero, irritated,
+  Grassed the third man while they waited.
+
+  Filled with rage and anger, both
+  Rushed upon him with an oath,
+  Eager now to slit the gizzard
+  Of that astigmatic wizard,
+  Till they noticed with dismay
+  _Both_ his eyes were far away!
+  (One eye sought the earth, while one
+  Seemed to contemplate the sun.)
+
+  Both stopped dead; the same cold thought
+  At their jangling heart-strings caught.
+  Longshanks, trembling at the knee,
+  Quavered, "Hans, he's watching _me_!"
+  Shorty whimpered, scared to fits,
+  "No, it's _me_ he's after, Fritz!"
+  Sick with fear, their souls revolted;
+  As one man they turned and bolted.
+
+  At them Spry in mild amaze
+  (Literally) bent his gaze,
+  Sighed, and then without a word
+  Wandered homeward with the third.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAR BABIES.
+
+    [Lord Justice BANKS recently referred to the possible
+    establishment of a Law Courts' _cręche_, where the female
+    barrister might leave her young while engaged in forensic
+    duties.]
+
+_From "The Law Times" of 192--._
+
+    "A Violent altercation took place yesterday in the room
+    allotted to infants of the Junior Bar (adjoining the Court
+    of Pathetic Appeal) between his nurse and little Johnnie,
+    the teething infant of Mrs. Flapperton, who, by the way,
+    we noticed being measured only the other day for silk. The
+    Court Husher having failed to produce silence, Mrs. Justice
+    Spankhurst had to intervene, and only succeeded in restoring
+    order by threatening to have the _cręche_ cleared."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RECKONING.
+
+PAN-GERMAN. "MONSTROUS, I CALL IT. WHY, IT'S FULLY A QUARTER OF WHAT
+_WE_ SHOULD HAVE MADE _THEM_ PAY, IF _WE_'D WON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 14th_.--The Criminal Injuries (Ireland) Bill furnished
+the LORD CHANCELLOR with the text for a rather gloomy sermon on the
+present state of the sister-country. The King's Writ still runs there,
+but in many counties is outstripped by the rival _fiat_ of Sinn Fein.
+A tribute to the impeccable behaviour of "law-abiding" Ulster appeared
+to stir in the breast of Lord CREWE memories of the pre-war prancings
+of a certain "Galloper," for he remarked that the noble lord's
+information seemed to be "partial and recent."
+
+Exception has recently been taken to the cab-shelter in Palace Yard,
+some Members objecting that its architectural design was out of
+harmony with that of the Houses of Parliament, and others complaining
+that its internal attractions were so great as to seduce the taxi-men
+from paying any attention to prospective fares. Sir ALFRED MOND, after
+long consideration, has decided to abolish the offending edifice
+and to give the drivers a shelter in the Vaults, where the police
+will discourage them from exceeding in the matter of "rest and
+refreshment."
+
+Members were naturally eager to hear what Mr. BONAR LAW, freshly
+flown from Paris, had to tell them about the Peace Conference, the
+prospects of hanging the EX-KAISER, and so forth, but received little
+information, save that the Government shared the popular desire that
+no legal quibble should prevent the arch-criminal being brought to
+justice. Members were a little comforted, however, by the announcement
+that a Committee of the Cabinet is already considering the whole
+question of Peace-celebrations. While Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is engaged (if
+the image is permitted) in fighting beasts at Ephesus it is pleasant
+to think of his colleagues deciding upon the relative merits of
+crackers and Catherine-wheels, flares and bonfires, church-bells and
+steam-sirens, as means for the expression of the national joy.
+
+[Illustration: SIR A. MOND AND AN EFFICIENT CAB SERVICE FOR MEMBERS.
+
+At a blast on whistle the cab-drivers will down tea-cups, cake,
+kippers or what-not, and double smartly on to parade.]
+
+After the loud orgy of headline which followed upon his remarkable
+victory at Central Hull, Commander KENWORTHY might reasonably
+have expected that his entry into the House would have produced an
+uproarious scene of demonstration and counter-demonstration. But there
+was nothing of the kind. The jubilant "Wee Frees," of course, cheered
+as one man, but the volume of sound produced was not appreciably
+greater than if one man had cheered; and the crowded Coalitionists
+sat gloomily silent, though no doubt they thought a lot. The gallant
+Commander has already introduced one pleasing innovation into the
+procedure of the House, for, before signing the Roll, he nodded
+cheerfully to the ladies in the Gallery, as if to say, "But for you
+I shouldn't be here!"
+
+Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN, who at Question-time had regretfully
+admitted that the Government were withdrawing soldiers from
+agriculture at a moment when they were particularly required, now
+moved the Second Reading of the Bill which is intended to give them
+the chance of going back to the land in perpetuity. In spite of his
+warning that the cost of the land to be acquired was a comparatively
+minor part of the expense, Members vied with one another in
+denouncing the iniquity of allowing the land-owner to get the present
+market-value of his property; and the landlords' representatives
+themselves hastened to declare that such a preposterous notion
+never entered their heads. The Bill was read a second time without
+a division. I don't suppose it will provide land for anything
+approaching the eight hundred thousand soldiers who are said to
+be pining for it; but it ought to satisfy the relatively small
+proportion who, after hearing about the trials and hardships of
+a small-holder--no forty-eight hours' week for him!--retain their
+agricultural aspirations.
+
+_Tuesday, April 15th_.--In a couple of hours the Lords disposed of
+several Bills, enjoyed a scientific debate on neurasthenia--described
+by a correspondent of Lord KNUTSFORD as "a gas escaping from
+people"--discussed the prices of milk and cheese, and still found time
+for the consideration of their own procedure. Lord CURZON said the
+suggestion that the House should sit on more days in the week had not
+been favourably received. Friday would not do, as their Lordships went
+out of town on that day, and Monday was equally inconvenient, as they
+could not contrive to get back by then. To earlier sittings the LORD
+CHANCELLOR objected on behalf of his legal colleagues. So it looks as
+if there would be no change, and since, _teste_ Lord SALISBURY, the
+House does its work admirably, why should there be?
+
+Remembering a famous speech on the presumption of certain organs
+of the Press, the Commons were not surprised to learn from Mr.
+CHAMBERLAIN, _ā propos_ of the beer-tax, that he is not responsible
+for what may appear in _The Times_.
+
+There is still something of "the eternal boy" in Major WEDGWOOD
+BENN. It was with an air of "Now I've got him" that he propounded the
+question, "Is paper a raw material or a manufactured article?" But
+Mr. BRIDGEMAN can always solve these Cobdenite conundrums, and quietly
+replied, "Both." Whereupon Major BENN, with an engaging blush, retired
+from the fray.
+
+In moving the second reading of the Aliens Restriction Bill the
+HOME SECRETARY said that, while national safety must be the first
+consideration, no unnecessary hardship should be inflicted on our
+foreign immigrants. But his proposal that the Government should rest
+contented with its present powers for another two years met with
+little favour from Members whose knowledge of history seems to date
+from 1914. In the opinion of Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who led the Opposition,
+every alien was _prima facie_ undesirable; Sir ERNEST WILD, from
+his experience in the criminal courts, took the same view, and
+patriotically demanded the exclusion from our shores of persons whose
+principal occupation, we gathered, was to furnish him with briefs
+for the defence; and Mr. JOYNSON HICKS, Mr. BILLING and Sir R. COOPER
+urged that the SHORTT way with aliens should be made considerably
+shorter. Before this massed attack the HOME SECRETARY gave way and
+agreed to reduce the operation of the Bill to one year.
+
+The temperature of the House rose so appreciably during the debate as
+to upset the nerves of some of the ladies in the Strangers' Gallery.
+At least that is the charitable explanation of the behaviour of Miss
+SYLVIA PANKHURST and her friends, who interrupted a discussion on
+soldiers' pensions by shouting out, "You are a gang of murderers!"
+
+_Wednesday, April 16th_.--A crowded House, the Peers' Gallery full to
+overflowing, the HEIR-APPARENT over the Clock, and the new Editor of
+_The Times_ among the representatives of the Press--the PRIME MINISTER
+could have desired no better setting for his speech upon the labours
+of the Peace Conference. His original intention was to hold his forces
+in reserve and invite his critics to "fire first," but, as none of
+these gentlemen seemed to be particularly anxious to go "over the
+top," Mr. LLOYD GEOEGE obligingly altered his battle-plan and himself
+delivered the opening fusillade.
+
+That he was in no apologetic mood was shown in almost his first
+sentence. His declaration that indemnities were a difficult
+problem, "not to be settled by telegram," evoked resounding cheers.
+Thenceforward he held the sympathy of the House, whether he was
+describing the difficulties of the Peace Conference, or reconciling
+the apparent inconsistencies of its Russian policy, or inveighing
+against the attempts of certain newspapers to sow dissension among the
+Allies. "I would rather have a good Peace than a good Press" was one
+of his most telling phrases, and it was followed by a character-sketch
+of his principal newspaper-critic which in pungency left nothing to be
+desired. "What a journalist I could have made of him!" the recluse of
+Fontainebleau will doubtless remark when he reads the passage.
+
+The PRIME MINISTER'S object, I imagine, was less to impart information
+than to create an atmosphere; and he was so far successful that
+the House showed little inclination to listen to other speakers.
+Nevertheless several of them devoted some hours to saying nothing
+in particular before the House mercifully adjourned for the Easter
+Recess.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Postmaster-General, in a written answer, states that
+    arrangements are now in hand for the improvement, where
+    circumstances permit, of postal services which have been
+    curtained as a result of war conditions."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+As for the telephone service, we can well believe that he would prefer
+the veil to be kept over that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GERMLESS EDEN.
+
+  The antiseptic baby and the prophylactic pup
+  Were playing in the garden when the bunny gambolled up;
+  They looked upon the creature with a loathing undisguised,
+  For he wasn't disinfected and he wasn't sterilized.
+  They said he was a microbe and a hotbed of disease;
+  They steamed him in a vapour of a thousand odd degrees,
+  They froze him in a freezer that was cold as banished hope,
+  They washed him with permanganate and carbolated soap,
+
+  With sulphuretted hydrogen they bathed his wiggly ears;
+  They trimmed his frisky whiskers with a pair of hard-boiled shears;
+  Then they donned their rubber mittens and they took him by the hand
+  And elected him a member of the fumigated band.
+  Now there's not a micrococcus in the garden where they play
+  And they bathe in pure iodoform a dozen times a day,
+  Taking each his daily ration from a hygienic cup,
+  The baby and the bunny and the prophylactic pup.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF PEACE CELEBRATIONS IS BEING CONSIDERED
+BY A COMMITTEE OF THE CABINET.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAPID PROMOTION.
+
+    "Cpl. A.A.C. Earl of Shaftesbury, K.P., K.C.V.O., relinquishes
+    his appt. (March 1), and is granted the hon. rank of
+    Brig.-Gen."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM THE STREET OF ADVENTURE.
+
+Journalistic reconstructions and amalgamations have been proceeding
+so rapidly and extensively of late that there seems no end to the
+kaleidoscopic possibilities of the future.
+
+Up to the present, however, no confirmation can be obtained of
+the startling rumor that _The Spectator_ has been purchased by the
+proprietors of _The Kennel Gazette_, and will henceforth be devoted
+to the interests of our four-footed friends, the supplements being
+restricted to purely feline amenities.
+
+Another persistent rumour, which hitherto lacks the seal of official
+corroboration, is to the effect that _The Guardian_ is to be given a
+new range of activity as the organ of scientific spiritualism, under
+the title of _The Guardian Angel_ and the joint editorship of Sir
+Oliver Doyle and Sir Conan Lodge. The investigations into multiple
+consciousness conducted by these two eminent _savants_ have proved
+their mutual convertibility to such an extent that they have decided
+upon this rearrangement of their names. If the scheme materialises
+the stimulating collaboration of Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE is a foregone
+conclusion, and there is even a possibility of contributions from
+an August Exile somewhere in Holland.
+
+A third report maintains with minute circumstantiality that the
+proprietors of _The Economist_, having come to the conclusion that
+this journal needs brightening, have decided to entrust the post of
+principal leader-writer to "CALLISTHENES," and retain the services of
+the authoress of _The Tunnel_ as financial _feuilleton_ writer. But
+on enquiry at the London School of Economics we could not obtain any
+definite information.
+
+The rumours that _The Morning Post_ is about to be merged in _The
+Winning Post_, and that Mr. MAXSE is starting an evening paper, to be
+called _The Job and Caviller_, are extremely interesting, but need to
+be received with a certain amount of caution.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Two-seater Motor-car. 7-9 h.p., in perfect running order,
+    Bosch magneto, Michelin tyres, spare wheel and accessories,
+    Axminster and Brussels carpets, stair carpeting, lino.,
+    kitchen utensils, dinner service, copper chafing dish, pots,
+    pans, lawn mower, deck chairs, &c., nearly new mangle, and
+    numerous other effects."--_Local Paper_.
+
+Just the car for the _White Knight_ when he takes to motoring.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Excited Officer_ (_in demobilisation special_). "I
+_KNEW_ THE COUNTRY WAS GRATEFUL! LOOK AT THAT OLD CHAP WAVING HIS HOE
+AT US!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BABLINGO.
+
+It has been suggested to me that the time has come for a comprehensive
+investigation of the interesting language known as Bablingo. Materials
+for this are ready for use in every home that still possesses a
+nursery with an inmate not more than two years of age. I must premise
+that it is the inmate's mother and the inmate's nurse, not the actual
+inmate, who use the language. Some day, no doubt, there will arise
+an investigator who will reduce to order and catalogue the inchoate
+efforts of an infant to make itself understood by talking. These
+efforts are doubtless of high interest to the etymologist, but the
+difficulties of the task are at present too great, and in any case I
+am not the man to undertake it.
+
+I shall content myself for the moment with setting an examination
+paper in Bablingo for the purpose of testing knowledge. It will differ
+from most other examinations in having a further object--namely to
+supply instruction and information to the examiner. Later on it may
+be possible to construct a grammar, and to append to this a few
+easy exercises. It must be remembered, however, that there are great
+difficulties to be overcome in such a task. Every home, for instance,
+has its own rules for pronunciation. Of these I do not for my
+immediate purpose propose to take cognisance.
+
+Here, then, is a short Bablingo examination paper for the use of
+mothers and nurses. I do not at present see my way to including
+fathers.
+
+(1) On what principles is the language which you use in your nursery
+formed? Did you (a) acquire it, or (b) find yourself unconsciously in
+possession of it?
+
+(2) Give a list of the characteristic features which distinguish
+Bablingo from the dialects employed by Prehistoric Man.
+
+(3) What justification can you allege for the conversion of the words
+_little thing_ into the words _ickle sing_? Are the spelling and
+pronunciation of these two words intended to be a concession to the
+feeble understanding of an infant?
+
+(4) _Wasums and didums, then? Was it a ickle birdie, then?_ Expand the
+above into a four-line verse with rhymes, and explain why the language
+as spoken and written is nearly always in the past tense, and rarely
+in the present or future.
+
+(5)(a) _Did he woz-a-woz, then; a Mum's own woz-man?_ (b) _'Oose
+queenie-mouse was 'oo?_ Write a short story on one of the above texts.
+
+(6) _Did she try to hit her ickle bruzzer on his nosie-posie wiz
+a mug? She was a Tartar, and did she want to break him up into
+bitsy-witsies?_ Construct a scene from a typical nursery drama on the
+above motive. What theories do you base on the extract with regard to
+the girl's temper and the boy's courage and endurance?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A REALLY CANDID CANDIDATE.
+
+    "TO THE ELECTORS OF ---- WARD.
+
+    "Ladies and Gentlemen,--I beg to thank you for returning me
+    as your member at the Election on Monday last. Nothing shall
+    be wanting on my part to betray the confidence thus reposed
+    in me."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A YEAR'S REPRISALS.
+
+When I sent Aunt Emily--from whom I have expectations--a pincushion
+at Christmas and she retaliated with a pen-wiper on New Year's Day,
+I thought that was the end of it.
+
+Not so.
+
+Aunt Emily reopened hostilities on my birthday with a purple satin
+letter-case embroidered with a sprig of rosemary and the word
+"Remembrance." That fresh offensive occurred on January 27th, which,
+I repeat, is my birthday. Readers please note.
+
+When was Aunt Emily's birthday? Frenzied search in antique birthday
+books revealed not the horrid secret. Probing my diary for other
+suitable anniversaries, I came to February 1st--"Partridge and
+Pheasant Shooting ends."
+
+I passed this as being inappropriate, and then--the very
+thing--February 14th, St. Valentine's. Also Full Moon.
+
+To arrive on that day, I despatched, carefully packed, the white
+marble clock from the spare-room. When well shaken it will tick for
+an hour. Aunt Emily had never seen it, I knew.
+
+Then I sounded the All Clear.
+
+But on Easter Eve a heavy packing-case was bumped onto my doorstep.
+From wrappings of sacking there emerged a large model of Eddystone
+lighthouse; a thermometer was embedded in its chest, minus the
+mercury, I noted. And Aunt Emily wished me as per enclosed card "A
+joyous Easter."
+
+With groans and lamentations another anniversary must be found by me.
+Ah! Here we have it! KING GEOKGE V. born June 3rd. On the dark roof
+of my spare-room wardrobe loomed an Indian vase--bright yellow with
+red blobs--very rare and very hideous, with a bulge in its middle.
+Obviously unique, because when the Indian made it his fellow-Indians
+slew him to prevent repetitions of the offence. I packed it in the
+middle of a crate and much straw, calculated to make an appalling mess
+when released.
+
+To dear Aunt Emily it went, with love, and a few topical remarks about
+the Monarchy.
+
+But Aunt Emily evidently had a diary too. On the 21st of
+October--anniversary of Trafalgar--my heart sank as the railway
+delivery van drew up at my door. The angry driver toiled into my
+passage with a packing-case (bristling with splinters and nails). When
+it was open and the chisel broken I picked the splinters out of my
+fingers and contemplated the battered horn of a gramophone emerging
+from sawdust and shavings.
+
+The mess created was indescribable when the horn was drawn forth.
+Shavings flew everywhere. The sawdust was like a butcher's shop. There
+were records too, some broken, all scratched. When set going it made
+a noise like a cockatoo with a cold. Decently covered with a cloth it
+was interned in the loft.
+
+Next please. One more effort and I should be one up and Aunt Emily to
+play. And her turn would be Christmas. Once she sent me five pounds at
+Christmas.
+
+The diary again. A poor hatch of anniversaries for November. A partial
+eclipse of the moon, partially visible at Greenwich, was down for the
+22nd. But eclipses are too ominous.
+
+I fell back on KING EDWARD VII., born November 9th, 1841. Twenty-three
+volumes of Goodworthy's _History of England_ should commemorate this.
+There had once been twenty-four, but the puppy ate one.
+
+Gratitude came by return of post, and I sat down in peace to await
+Christmas and a cheque.
+
+But on December 19th came another dreadful and splintery packing-case.
+Desperately I gouged it open. Out of it, through a cloud of shavings,
+emerged my own loathsome yellow-and-red Indian vase! No word with
+it--not a word, not a note. Not a funeral note.
+
+Rage overtook me. I disinterred Aunt Emily's own gramophone and
+records. I packed the horn anyhow. Such of the records as seemed
+difficult to get in I broke into small pieces and shoved in corners.
+I nailed the packing-case up with the same nails and addressed it in
+the boldest and fiercest of characters to Aunt Emily and caught the
+railway-van on the rebound. The deed was done.
+
+I laughed "Ha, ha!" I laughed "Ho, ho!" I would teach Aunt Emily to
+return me my own vase.
+
+Next morning came a letter. As I read it perspiration burst out on my
+forehead. Language the most awful burst from my lips.
+
+And yet it was a simple letter--from my little cousin Dolly.
+
+"DEAR BOB," it said,--"I sent you a yellow-and-red vase for Christmas.
+Your Aunt Emily gave it me as a wedding present. It is not my style and
+must be yours, because I have seen one like it in your house. Perhaps
+you collect them. Don't tell your Aunt, but I really couldn't bear it.
+I forgot to put any note in the box. Happy Christmas.
+
+"Love, DOLLY."
+
+And Aunt Emily would have opened my case by now.
+
+On Christmas Day I received a letter from her which I opened with
+cold and clammy fingers.
+
+She thanked me for sending back the gramophone. She was sorry I
+did not care for it. She was now sending it to a hospital for
+shell-shocked officers. And she wished me a Blithe Yuletide on a
+penny card. And she was very sincerely mine.
+
+Anyone can have her for aught I care.
+
+[Illustration: _Unsuccessful House-huntress_. "REALLY ONE SEES SO
+FEW OF THE SORT OF MEN WHO USED TO _BUILD_ HOUSES. WHY DOESN'T THE
+GOVERNMENT RELEASE MORE CORDUROY TROUSERS AND ENTICE THE LABOURERS
+BACK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SUPER-HUMAN DOG.
+
+WHEN YOU CAME HOME ON LEAVE YOUR DOG, UNLIKE SOME
+HUMANS, NEVER EXPRESSED SURPRISE AT SEEING YOU _STILL IN ENGLAND_.
+
+NEVER INDULGED IN DEMOBILISATION TALK.
+
+OR HANDED OUT "CHESTNUTS."
+
+OR INTRODUCED YOU TO YOUR C.O. (ALSO ON PASS).
+
+OR BORED YOU WITH HIS OWN DOMESTIC TROUBLES ("LEFT A BOOT-JACK IN
+MY DRINKING-TROUGH, SHE DID").
+
+OR INTRUDED HIS PRESENCE AT INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS.
+
+BUT SIMPLY WELCOMED YOU--
+
+--IN HIS OWN--
+
+--INIMITABLE MANNER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOUTH SEA BUBBLE.
+
+"I want you," said my hostess, "to take in Mrs. Blank. She is
+charming. All through the War she has been with her husband in the
+South Seas. London is a new place to her."
+
+Mrs. Blank did not look too promising. She was pretty in her
+way--"elegant" an American would have called her--but she lacked
+animation. However, the South Seas...! Anyone fresh from the Pacific
+must have enough to tell to see soup, fish and _entrée_ safely
+through.
+
+I began by remarking that she must find London a very complete change
+after the sun and placidity that she had come from.
+
+"It's certainly noisier," she said; "but we had our share of rain."
+
+"I thought it was always fine there," I remarked; but she laughed a
+denial and relapsed into silence.
+
+She was one of those women who don't take soup, and this made the
+economy of her utterances the more unfair.
+
+Racking my brain for a new start I fell back on those useful fellows,
+the authors. Presuming that anyone who had lived in that fascinating
+region--the promised land (if land is the word) of so many of us who
+are weary of English climatic treacheries--would be familiar with the
+literature of it. I went boldly to work.
+
+"The first book about the South Seas that I ever read," I said, "was
+BALLANTYNE'S _Coral Island_."
+
+"Indeed!" she replied.
+
+I asked her if she too had not been brought up on BALLANTYNE, and she
+said no. She did not even know his name.
+
+"He wrote for boys," I explained rather lamely.
+
+"I read poetry chiefly as a girl," she said.
+
+"But surely you know STEVENSON'S _Island Nights' Entertainment_?"
+I said.
+
+No, she did not. Was it nice?
+
+"It's extraordinary," I said. "It gives you more of the atmosphere
+of the South Seas than any other work. And Louis BECKE--you must have
+read him?" I continued.
+
+No, she had not. She read very little. The last book she had read was
+on spiritualism.
+
+"Not even CONRAD?" I pursued. "No one has so described the calms and
+storms of the Pacific."
+
+No, she remembered no story called _Conrad_.
+
+I was about to explain that CONRAD was the writer, not the written;
+but it seemed a waste of words, and we fell into a stillness broken
+only by the sound of knife and fork.
+
+"Hang it! you shall talk," I said to myself; and then aloud, "Tell me
+all about copra. I have longed to know what copra is; how it grows,
+what it looks like, what it is for."
+
+"You have come to the wrong person," she replied, with wide eyes. "I
+never heard of it. Or did you say 'cobra'? Of course I know what a
+cobra is--it's a snake. I've seen them at the Zoo."
+
+I put her right. "Copra, the stuff that the traders in the South Seas
+deal in."
+
+"I never heard of it," she said. "But then why should I? I know
+nothing about the South Seas."
+
+My stock fell thirty points and I crumbled bread nervously, hoping for
+something sensible to say; but at this moment "half-time" mercifully
+set in. My partner on the other side turned to me suavely and asked if
+I thought the verses in _Abraham Lincoln_ were a beauty or a blemish;
+and with the assistance of the London stage, the flight to America,
+Mrs. FULTON'S _Blight_, Mr. WALPOLE'S _Secret City_ and the prospects
+of the new Academy, I sailed serenely into port. She was as easy and
+agreeable a woman as that other was difficult, and before she left for
+the drawing-room she had invited me to lunch and I had accepted.
+
+As I said Good-night to my hostess I asked why she had told me that my
+first partner had been in the South Seas. She said that she had said
+nothing of the sort; what she had said was that during the War she had
+been stationed with her husband, Colonel Blank, at Southsea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MESSAGE OF HULL.
+
+The Hull Election has been keenly discussed in various papers, but by
+none with more enthusiasm than _The Daily News_. In a special article
+from the luminous pen of "A.G.G.," in the issue of April 12th, the
+true inwardness of the portent is thus revealed:--
+
+"The message of Hull is a message for all the world. It is the
+announcement that this country, whatever its Government may do, will
+not have a French peace. It is a declaration to America that the
+English people are with her in her determination to have a League
+of Nations' settlement and no other. It is the repudiation of
+Conscription, of war on Russia, of the permanent military occupation
+of Germany, of imperialism and grab, of war policy in Ireland, of
+repression in Egypt, of the reckless profligacy and corruption that
+are plunging Europe into Bolshevism and hurrying this country to
+irretrievable ruin."
+
+We confess that we are staggered by the moderation, not to say
+modesty, of "A.G.G." as an interpreter of the meaning of the Hull
+Election. He has omitted infinitely more than he has inscribed in
+his list.
+
+The return of Commander KENWORTHY stands, of course, for all these
+things, but for many others of at least equal importance.
+
+It means the disappearance of influenza, the ravages of which
+are clearly traceable to the political virus disseminated by the
+Coalition.
+
+It means the rehabilitation of Mr. BIRRELL and his return to public
+life as English Ambassador to the Court of King Valeroso I.
+
+It foreshadows the wholesale gratuitous distribution of cigarettes,
+marmalade and gramophones.
+
+It means the prohibition of the use of the French horn in orchestras
+and all places where they play, the reinstatement of the German flute
+and the restoration of the German Fleet.
+
+Lastly, it means the compulsory prohibition of all Greek except "Alpha
+of the Plough."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD
+
+(_WITH HIS FIRST CRICKET SET_).
+
+  Here's a gift to take and treasure,
+    England's gift as well as mine,
+  Symbol of her clean-spent leisure,
+    Of her youth and strength a sign;
+  Gleams of sunlight on old meadows
+    O'er these varnished toys are cast,
+  And within that box's shadows
+    Stir the triumphs of the Past.
+
+  Still the ancient tale entrances,
+    Giving us in golden dower
+  ULYETT'S drives and IVO's glances,
+    JACKSON'S dash and THORNTON'S power;
+  Skill of LYTTELTONS and LACEYS,
+    Grit of SHREWSBURYS and GUNNS;
+  Pride of STUDDS and STEELS and GRACES
+    Piling up their English runs.
+
+  Take these simple toys as token
+    Of the champions that have been,
+  Stalwart in defence unbroken,
+    Hefty hitters, hitting clean;
+  And, when capped in Life's eleven,
+    May you stand as firm as they;
+  May you, little son of seven,
+    Play the game the English way.
+
+  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It seems to be a ruling passion amongst certain writers
+    to portray anybody connected with commerce as being an
+    ungrammatical ignoramus. Even Kipling panders to this notion
+    in his conception of a drapery assistant in the person of
+    'Kipps.'"--_Draper's Organiser_.
+
+But did not Mr. WELLS do something to redress the balance in _Kim_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, NO. 4?"
+
+"IT'S NO GOOD, INSTRUCTOR; I AIN'T GOT NO HEAD FOR HEIGHTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+The latest of the now so fashionable short-story volumes to come my
+way is one called _Our Casualty, Etc._ (SKEFFINGTON). Much virtue in
+that "_Etc._," which covers other fifteen little tales in the best, or
+nearly the best, "Birmingham" manner. I say "nearly," because for its
+happiest expression the art of "Mr. GEORGE BIRMINGHAM" demands space
+to tangle events into more complicated confusion than can be contrived
+in the dozen pages of these episodes. But within their limitations
+they are all excellent fun, partly concerned with the War (usually
+with an Irishman involved), partly recalled from the piping and
+whisky-drinking times of peace, at Inishmore and elsewhere. One
+can only treat them after the manner of the schoolboy who declined
+to distinguish between the Major and Minor Prophets. But I
+rather specially enjoyed the title-piece, which tells how the
+super-patriotism of an aged volunteer defeated the kindly plans of
+those who would have saved him fatigue by assigning to him the rôle
+of casualty in a trench-relief practice. Casualties also figure in
+"Getting Even," an improbable but highly entertaining fiction of the
+score practised by an ingenious Medical Officer (Irish, I need hardly
+say) upon an over-zealous C.O., who, to keep him busy during a field
+day, flooded his "clearing station" with all sorts of complicated
+imaginary cases, only to find the fictitious victims arranged
+comfortably in rows under the shade of the trees to await the Padre
+and a burying party, the M.O. reporting that they had all died before
+reaching him. It couldn't possibly happen as here told, but that
+matters little, since, so far as I am concerned, a "Birmingham" tale
+can always well afford to dispense with credibility.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am distinctly grateful to ROSE MACAULAY for _What Not_ (CONSTABLE).
+It brought me the pleasantest end to anything but a perfect English
+Spring day. She has wit, not so common a gift that you can afford
+just to take it for granted; she knows when to stop, selecting not
+exhausting; and she makes her epigrams by the way, as it were,
+without exposing the process of manufacture. (Other epigrammatists
+please copy.) Miss MACAULAY'S "prophetic comedy" is a joyous rag
+of Government office routine, flappery, Pelmania, Tribunals, State
+advertising, the Lower Journalism and "What Not." That audacious
+eugenist, _Nicky Chester_, first Minister of Brains in the post-war
+period of official attempts to raise the nation from C3 to something
+nearer A1 on the intellectual plane, happens, because of his family
+history, to be uncertified for marriage. He also happens to fall very
+desperately in love with his secretary, _Kitty Grammont_, and the
+conflict between duty and desire becomes the theme--perhaps just a
+little too heavy--of an extravaganza that is happiest in its lighter
+and more irreverent moments. Which is to say that _What Not_ wanders
+out of the key. But what on earth does that matter if one is made to
+laugh quite often and to smile almost continuously at a very shrewd
+piece of observation, whimsicality and tempered malice? And you will
+like the serene _Pansy Ponsonby_ (out of "Hullo, Peace!"), who could
+scarcely be called _Kitty's_ "sister-in-law," but was of the most
+faithful. The odd thing is that under all her gibing the author
+seems to have a queer furtive admiration for her precious Ministry
+of Brains.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among the many things I like in DORETHEA CONYERS' novels is the
+artistic subtlety, achieved by few of our other novelists, with which
+she manages to write them as it were in character. I am quite sure
+that if _Berenice Ermyntrude Nicosia Nevin_, who is called by her
+initials on the cover and inside by what they spell, had tried to
+write a novel it would have been remarkably like _B.E.N._ (METHUEN).
+There would have been the same keen delight in horses, hunting and
+Irish scenery, and the same cheerful disregard for such trifles as
+spelling or such conventions as making quite sure that your reader
+knows which character is speaking at any given moment, and the same
+excellent humour, which, if it is at the expense of the Irish, is
+kindly enough for all that. It seems to me that in her new novel Mrs.
+CONYERS, wisely refusing to stray to that suburbia in which her gifts
+lack this charm, has recaptured much of the careless rapture of her
+earliest books; and very careless and very rapturous they wore. But I
+am not quite sure that in real life even _Ben_, when as second whip to
+the East Cara hounds she lost her horse, would have found an aeroplane
+useful to catch up with. In case it should be objected that anything
+so funny as the tea at _Miss Talty's_ never could happen, even in the
+Caher Valley district, I want to put it on record here and now that it
+could and does.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Mystery Keepers_ (LANE), by MARION FOX, reminds me of the old
+riddle, "What is it that has feathers and two legs, and barks like
+a dog?"--the answer being a stork. People who protest that a stork
+doesn't bark like a dog are told that that part is put in to make
+it harder. I find that the greater part of the mystery kept by _The
+Mystery Keepers_ is put in to make it harder. The Abbey at Clynch St.
+Mary has a "coise" put on it by the last Abbess, and every direct
+male heir expires punctually on his twenty-first birthday. The actual
+agency is a poisoned ring concealed in the frame of a portrait of
+the malevolent Abbess and is in the custody of the _Otway_ family,
+who enjoy a prescriptive if nebulous right to be stewards of the
+property. Just how or why the _Otways_--noble fellows, we are given to
+understand--carry out the deceased Abbess's nefarious wishes with such
+precision and despatch is not explained. Anyway the mother of the last
+victim, who has found out the secret, steals the ring, murders the
+_Otway_ of the period, and retires to a lunatic asylum after her son
+has himself stolen the ring from her workbox and poisoned himself into
+the next world. That finishes it. The ring retires to a museum and the
+proper people marry each other. It is a slender and quite impossible
+story, but told in a clever way which goes far to redeem its lack of
+substance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Graftons_ (COLLINS) is a sequel to Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL'S
+former chronicle of the same pleasant family. Herein you shall find
+them, pursuing the even tenor of their prosperous way, father, son and
+charming daughters, and arriving placidly at the point where, in the
+natural sequence of events, these daughters leave the paternal nest
+for others provided by eligible mates. Their courtships, and some mild
+uncertainty as to whether papa _Grafton_, well-preserved and wealthy
+widower, will or will not follow the example of his female offspring,
+provide the entire matter of the book. For the rest Mr. MARSHALL is
+content to mark time (and very pleasantly) with pictures of English
+country life at its most comfortable, and in particular with some
+comedy scenes, excellently done, turning upon the often delicate
+relationship of Hall and Parsonage. There are a couple of clerical
+portraits in the book that seem to me as lifelike as anything of the
+kind since _Barchester_. Apart from this the outstanding virtue of
+the _Graftons_ is the reality of their dialogue. Precisely thus do,
+or did, actual people speak in the quiet old times before the War;
+precisely thus also did nothing whatever of any consequence happen
+to the vast majority of them. Since, however, the truth and charm of
+the tale depend upon this absence of the sensational, I must the more
+regret that Messrs. COLLINS, who have printed it exquisitely, should
+have been betrayed into a coloured wrapper of almost grotesque
+ineptitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Graduation_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) there is an essential femininity
+about Miss IRENE RUTHERFORD McLEOD'S style and general attitude that
+imposes limitations; it is a quality that shows itself not only in
+her plot, but in her characters, the three reputed males who figure
+therein being as fine examples of true womanliness as you need wish
+to meet. _Frieda_ was the heroine (a name somehow significant); and of
+the trouser-wearers, the first, _Geoffrey_, was a cat-like deceiver,
+who fascinated poor _Frieda_ for ends unspecified, pretended (the
+minx!) to be keen on the Suffrage movement, which he wasn't, and
+concealed a wife; the second was a Being too perfect to endure beyond
+Chapter 10, where he expires eloquently of heart-failure, leaving
+_Alan_, the third, to bear the white man's burden and clasp _Frieda_
+to his maidenly heart. This sentimental progress is, I suppose, what
+is implied by the title and the symbolic staircase (if it _is_ a
+staircase?) on the wrapper. But my trouble was that I could never
+discern in the sweet girl-graduate any development of character from
+the pretentious futility of her earliest appearance. Perhaps I am
+prejudiced. Undeniably Miss McLEOD can draw a certain type of prig
+with a horrible facility. But the antiquated modernity of her scheme,
+flooded as it is with the New Dawn of, say, a decade ago, and its
+bland disregard of everything that has happened since, ended by
+violently irritating me. Others may have better luck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Spring has been slow in coming, but I got something more than a whiff
+of actual summer when _Under Blue Skies_ (HUTCHINSON) came my way. Mr.
+DE VERD STACPOOLE is at the top of his form, and it is a real pleasure
+to recommend an author who brings to his tales of adventure so nice
+a sense of style and so keen a feeling for character. In "The Frigate
+Bird" the rapscallions who seize a schooner and, without any knowledge
+of navigation, sail the high seas, are full-blooded adventurers; but
+there is all the difference in the world between the character of the
+educated _Carlyon_ and that of the simple-minded and ignorant _Finn_.
+This yarn occupies nearly half of the book, and the other stories
+should give food for thought to those who allege that no Englishman
+can write a short story. Apart from one charming little tale of a
+haunted French _château_ Mr. STACPOOLE allows us to bask here in the
+eternal summer of Pacific skies. I am very grateful for my sun-bath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Poems of the Great War_, by Mrs. ROBERTSON-GLASGOW, readers
+of _Punch_ will recognise some of the best serious poems that have
+appeared in these pages of recent years. The little half-crown volume
+in which they reappear has been admirably printed at S. Aldhelm's
+Home for Boys, Frome, and may be bought at SMITH'S in Kensington High
+Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Voice of Tommy in audience_. "NAH THEN, MATE, WHY
+DON'T YER DIG YERSELF IN?"]
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+156, APRIL 23, 1919
***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 11872-8.txt or 11872-8.zip *******
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,

+April 23, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1>

+<pre>

+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with

+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or

+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included

+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>

+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 23, 1919
</p>

+<p>Author: Various</p>

+<p>Release Date: April 2, 2004  [eBook #11872]</p>

+<p>Language: English</p>

+<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p>

+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, APRIL 23, 1919
***</p>

+<br />

+<br />

+<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br />

+           and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center>

+<br />

+<br />

+<hr class="full" />

+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />

+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>

+

+    <h2>Vol. 156.</h2>

+    <hr class="full" />

+

+    <h2>April 23, 1919.</h2>

+    <hr class="full" />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page313"

+       id="page313"></a>[pg 313]</span>

+

+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>

+

+    <p>"Hull electors," declared a Radical contemporary, "have

+    dealt the Coalition a stinging rebuke." But not, as others

+    claim, the <i>coupon de grace</i>.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p><i>&Agrave; propos</i>, a Woking butcher was fined last week

+    for being thirty-two thousand coupons short. The report that he

+    has since received a letter of condolence from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE

+    is not confirmed.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>A correspondent who has a latchkey would like to hear from a

+    gentleman who could fit a house to it.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>A food inspector at Chatham admitted that he could not tell

+    the difference between No. 1 grade tinned beef and No. 2 grade.

+    The old plan of calling one grade Rover and the other Fido

+    seems to have been abolished since the War.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>The EX-CROWN PRINCE, in a recent interview with a Danish

+    newspaper man, called LUDENDORFF a liar. LUDENDORFF is believed

+    to be preparing a crushing rejoinder, in which he calls the

+    EX-CROWN PRINCE a Hohenzollern.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>"The new Bolsheviks," says <i>The Philatelist</i>, "are

+    fetching eight shillings a pair." It doesn't say where they are

+    fetching it from, but it is clear that he loot business has

+    declined since the days of the old Bolsheviks.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>The United States Government has purchased four million

+    pounds of frozen chickens for the American army. They are to be

+    tested by inspectors before shipment to determine whether they

+    are edible. What is known in scientific circles as the Soho

+    standard of resilience will probably be applied.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>Burglars have broken into an East End moneylender's office.

+    It is not known definitely how much they lost.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>The five hundred pounds in notes recently lost by a London

+    hotel guest have now been recovered. It appears that a waiter

+    had mistaken them for a gratuity.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>The Metropolitan police are trying to establish the identity

+    of a man who can give no account of himself and who knows

+    nothing about the War. The fact that he was not wearing red

+    tabs only adds to the mystery.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>"Some men dance the Jazz dance," says a contemporary,

+    "because it is stimulating." It is not known why the others do

+    it.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>A squirrel having been stolen from the Zoo, it is said that

+    the authorities are taking no further risks, and that in future

+    all lions and tigers will be securely chained to their

+    cages.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>It is reported that a much-advertised motor-car, after

+    having its engine removed, ran for seven miles on its

+    reputation alone.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>With reference to the report that a service man had received

+    a letter from the Intelligence Department admitting that a

+    certain mistake was due to a clerical error, it is now reported

+    that this admission was due to another oversight.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>A terrible tragedy was only just averted last week, when a

+    husband, who had travelled from the City by tube, and his wife,

+    who had been to the Spring bargain sales, failed to recognise

+    each other on their return home.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>The War Office, the Board of Trade and the Zoo have formed a

+    Triple Alliance for a campaign against rats. As a result of

+    this it is said that quite a number of the more timid rodents

+    are afraid to go out alone after dark.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>The Society of Public Analysts has been asked by the Food

+    Ministry to define a sausage. A number of pedigree sausages are

+    to be submitted for classification.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>The Minister of Foreign Affairs in the late Bavarian Soviet

+    Government has been placed in a lunatic asylum. The reason for

+    this invidious distinction is not assigned.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h3>Mr. CHURCHILL on the Hull Election:</h3>

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"Nothing in these reactions should be taken by the

+        Government as in any way deflecting them from their clear

+        and definite course of reviving the posterity of this

+        country."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p>All very well, but they must get it born first.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/313.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/313.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+    </div>

+

+    <table summary="Cow"

+           align="center"

+           width="100%">

+        <tbody>

+            <tr>

+                <td width="50%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top"><i>Old-fashioned humorous Cow</i>

+                    (<i>suddenly</i>). "Moo!"</td>

+

+                <td width="50%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top"><i>Lady</i> (<i>who all last year

+                    was a land-worker</i>). "Pooh!"</td>

+            </tr>

+        </tbody>

+    </table>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page314"

+       id="page314"></a>[pg 314]</span>

+

+    <h2>"MUTABILE SEMPER."</h2>

+

+    <div class="poem">

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p class="i2">To such as have a humorous bent</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">Pleasant indeed it was to cull</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">From rival organs what was meant</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">By the enlightened vote of Hull;</p>

+

+            <p>What process of the mind (if any) drove her</p>

+

+            <p>To execute that ludicrous turn-over.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p class="i2">Some held the Peace was too severe,</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">And others not severe enough;</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">The latter cried, "The cause is

+            clear&mdash;</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">LLOYD GEORGE is made of flabby

+            stuff;"</p>

+

+            <p>The former took the line that he had blundered</p>

+

+            <p>In letting Fritz (their friend) be grossly

+            "plundered."</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p class="i2">Then came a still small voice which

+            said,</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">"The thing that sent the coupon West</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Was Woman; something in her head</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">Told her that second thoughts were

+            best;</p>

+

+            <p>To Party laws she hasn't learnt to knuckle</p>

+

+            <p>(This was the view advanced by Mr. BUCKLE).</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p class="i2">"Men know a 'pledge's' worth by now;</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">They take it with a touch of salt;</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">To Woman 'tis a sacred vow,</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">And for the least alleged default</p>

+

+            <p>She gives her Chosen One no minute's grace,</p>

+

+            <p>But treats it like a breach-of-promise case."</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p class="i2">O "Ministering Angels," ye</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">Who yet are mobile as the breeze,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Have you alone the right to be</p>

+

+            <p class="i4">"Uncertain, coy and hard to please?"</p>

+

+            <p>Our Ministerial Angels (GEORGE and kind)&mdash;</p>

+

+            <p>Aren't they allowed, poor males, to change their

+            mind?</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>O.S.</p>

+        </div>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>THE SPOIL-SPORT.</h2>

+

+    <p>Mr. Phillybag was demobilised. The Day had come. For months

+    he had dreamed of the possibility&mdash;had imagined the joy

+    and alacrity with which he would doff his cap, tunic and

+    trousers, service dress, one each, and resume the decent

+    broadcloth of a successful City solicitor. Strangely enough,

+    however, once he was actually demobilised he found himself in

+    no hurry to lose the garb which showed that he, Mr. Phillybag,

+    had helped, you know, to put the kybosh on the KAISER. He was

+    proud too of the corporal's stripes which he had gained in a

+    very short Army career.</p>

+

+    <p>That explains why he was in uniform this morning in his

+    office, when he opened a letter from Ernest Williams, his

+    former junior clerk. He remembered Williams well&mdash;how in

+    the early days of the War that youth had seen Lord KITCHENER

+    point his finger from the hoardings at him, and there and then,

+    discovering that the Ordnance Department possessed a cap, size

+    6-7/8, which fitted him, had followed instructions and

+    immediately commenced to wear it. Now he had written to Mr.

+    Phillybag to inform him that, as he expected to be demobilised

+    shortly, he was calling at eleven o'clock to discuss the

+    question of re-entering his employ.</p>

+

+    <p>Mr. Phillybag rubbed his hands together in satisfaction. He

+    was looking forward to the interview. Since Armistice Day he

+    had read every article he could find written on the subject of

+    demobilisation and its humours; consequently he knew exactly

+    what he was expected to do. When Williams entered, in all the

+    glory of a Captain's stars, perhaps even a Major's crown, the

+    ribbon of the D.S.O. or the M.C., or both, on his breast, he,

+    Corporal Phillybag, would spring smartly to attention, salute

+    and address his junior clerk as "Sir."</p>

+

+    <p>He chuckled with delight as he visualised the piquant scene.

+    Reseating himself, he would briskly resume his interrupted work

+    for a moment while be kept his superior officer waiting.

+    Then&mdash;</p>

+

+    <p>"Mr. Williams to see you, Sir," said one of his clerks.</p>

+

+    <p>"Show him in at once."</p>

+

+    <p>On his appearance Mr. Phillybag suffered a slight recoil,

+    but recovered himself quickly and exchanged embarrassed

+    greetings. An awkward pause followed. At length Mr. Phillybag

+    broke it.</p>

+

+    <p>"Williams," he said severely, "I'm surprised at you. Who

+    ever heard of an employee returning to civil life from the Army

+    with a lower rank than the one his employer holds? Four years

+    in khaki and only a lance-corporal! You've spoiled my whole

+    morning. It's men with careers like yours who make the

+    profession of humorous journalism so precarious."</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>A SOUVENIR OF COLOGNE.</h2>

+

+    <p>"Am I really awake, or is it all a beautiful dream?" I said,

+    pinching myself to make sure.</p>

+

+    <p>At the other end of the room an unmistakably German band was

+    playing "Roses of Picardy," while all around me German waiters

+    were running about deferentially, with trays in their hands.

+    Even as I wondered one of them approached and laid the bill on

+    my table with a friendly smile and "Tree mark, bleesir."</p>

+

+    <p>Then I remembered that I was at the British Officers' Club

+    in Cologne.</p>

+

+    <p>"How interested they will be at home," I thought, "when they

+    know where I am. And of course I must send them souvenirs of my

+    Watch on the Rhine;" and thoughtfully I produced from my pocket

+    some local tram-tickets, kept for the younger members of the

+    family, and patted a box of two-penny cigars encouragingly.

+    These I was going to send to my brother.</p>

+

+    <p>Then I rose and, paying the bill, went out to purchase a

+    suitable memento for a younger sister. Slowly I wandered along

+    the crowded Hohestrasse in the direction of the Opera House,

+    peering into the shop-windows for something redolent of the

+    land I was in. Presently a bright-looking sweetshop attracted

+    me. The window contained a beautiful selection of

+    chocolate-boxes, with pictures of the Cathedral or the Rhine

+    Maidens on the lids. In I went and selected a handsome sample,

+    bound with red plush and bordered with sea-shells. But it was

+    empty. "Nix sweets," said the girl behind the counter, and

+    offered me the alternative of a bun. Nothing doing, and I

+    passed on.</p>

+

+    <p>Further along the street I stopped before a chemist's shop

+    to regard a huge pyramid of bottles of eau-de-Cologne displayed

+    in the window.</p>

+

+    <p>"The very thing," I said to myself. "What more appropriate

+    souvenir than a bottle of the local produce?"</p>

+

+    <p>That was ten days ago, and this morning I received the

+    following letter:&mdash;.</p>

+

+    <p>"Thank you <i>so</i> much for the scent; it was sweet of

+    you, and arrived safely, only I don't think it <i>quite</i> so

+    nice as the <i>real</i> eau-de-Cologne which I buy at Brown's

+    shop [Brown is the village grocer] for three-and-nine a bottle.

+    And he says they must have taken you in properly with a German

+    imitation called eau-de-<i>K&ouml;ln</i>, and expects you had

+    to pay a pretty penny for it, though I hope you didn't, poor

+    boy."</p>

+

+    <p>Reader, I ask you.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"INFLUENZA EPIDEMIC&mdash;PUBLIC MEETING.</p>

+

+        <p>"In order to comply with the regulations of the Board of

+        Health, each person attending the meeting must occupy 25

+        sq. feet space."&mdash;<i>Australian Paper</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p>"Let me have men about me that are fat."&mdash;<i>Julius

+    C&aelig;sar</i>.</p>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page315"

+       id="page315"></a>[pg 315]</span>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/315.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/315.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+

+        <h3>THE CHEERFUL PACHYDERM.</h3>ELEPHANT (<i>faintly

+        intrigued</i>). "WHO'S THAT TICKLING ME?"

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page316"

+       id="page316"></a>[pg 316]</span>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/316.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/316.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+

+        <h3>PEACE PREPARATIONS.</h3>

+

+        <p><i>Music-hall Artist</i> (<i>to partner</i>). "I RECKON

+        WE OUGHT TO INTRODUCE SOME NEW FEATURE INTO THE TURN, WITH

+        PEACE COMIN'."</p>

+

+        <p><i>Partner</i>. "AH, I'VE BEEN THINKING OF IT TOO. WHAT

+        ABAHT PINK FACINGS FOR OUR EVENING DRESS?"</p>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>THE BLUE HAT.</h2>

+

+    <p>Nancy came softly into my study and stood at the side of the

+    desk, where I was busy with some work on account of which I had

+    stayed away from the office that morning.</p>

+

+    <p>"Do you like it?" she said.</p>

+

+    <p>I felt a momentary anxiety as I looked up. I had made a bad

+    mistake only a little time before, having waxed enthusiastic

+    over what I took to be a new blouse when it was a question of

+    hair-dressing, the blouse having been worn by my wife, so she

+    solemnly averred, "every evening for the last two months."</p>

+

+    <p>But this time no mistake was possible. You don't go about

+    the house at eleven o'clock on a cold Spring morning fancifully

+    arrayed in a pale blue hat with white feathery things sticking

+    out all round it, unless there is a particular reason for so

+    doing.</p>

+

+    <p>"I think it's a delightful hat," I said, "and suits you

+    splendidly. But I thought you never wore blue?"</p>

+

+    <p>"I don't," said Nancy; "that's what makes me rather

+    doubtful. I didn't really mean to buy it at all. I went in to

+    Marguerite's&mdash;you know, that heavenly shop at the corner

+    of the square"&mdash;I nodded; of course I knew

+    Marguerite's&mdash;"to ask the price of a jade-green jumper

+    they had in the window&mdash;oh, my dear, a perfect angel of a

+    jumper!&mdash;and they showed me this. That red-haired

+    assistant almost <i>made</i> me buy it; said she had never seen

+    me in a hat that suited me so well; and really it wasn't so

+    very dear. But I <i>was</i> a little doubtful.

+    However&mdash;"</p>

+

+    <p>"She was quite right," I said very decidedly. "Did you get

+    the what-you-may-call-it&mdash;the other thing?"</p>

+

+    <p>Nancy's face expressed poignant anguish.</p>

+

+    <p>"Twelve guineas," she said. "I simply couldn't run to it. Of

+    course I was heart-broken. Still, it wasn't as if I really

+    needed anything just now. It would have been ridiculous

+    extravagance. But it really was an angel."</p>

+

+    <p>She turned to go, stopping a moment on the way out to have

+    another look at herself in the little round mirror over the

+    mantel-piece.</p>

+

+    <p>"I'm not quite happy about it," I heard her murmur as she

+    went out.</p>

+

+    <p>The next morning I found a letter waiting for me at the

+    office which brought me news of a totally unexpected windfall

+    of some fifty odd pounds. It was a sunny morning, too, with a

+    distinct feeling of Spring in the air.</p>

+

+    <p>I felt like being extravagant, and my mind flew at once to

+    Nancy and her jade-green&mdash;what was the name of the

+    thing?&mdash;that she had wanted so badly.</p>

+

+    <p>I left the office early, and on my way home managed to

+    summon up sufficient courage to carry me through the discreetly

+    curtained doors of Madame Marguerite's <i>recherch&eacute;</i>

+    establishment, devoutly hoping that the nervous sinking which I

+    felt about my heart was not reflected in my outer

+    demeanour.</p>

+

+    <p>The red-haired girl, in spite of a curiously detached and

+    supercilious air, as who should say, "Take it or leave it; it

+    concerns me not in the least," which at first rather alarmed

+    me, was really quite kind and helpful.</p>

+

+    <p>"Something in jade-green that Moddom admired? A hat

+    perhaps?"</p>

+

+    <p>No, I knew it was not a hat. I murmured something about

+    twelve guineas. This seemed to be enlightening.</p>

+

+    <p>Ah, yes, a jumper probably. They had had a jade-green jumper

+    at that price, she believed. If I would sit down for a moment

+    she would send someone to see if it were still

+    unsold.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page317"

+       id="page317"></a>[pg 317]</span>

+

+    <p>I felt very anxious while I waited, but the emissary

+    presently returned with the garment over her arm.</p>

+

+    <p>Yes, that was undoubtedly the one. She remembered how much

+    Moddom had admired it. It had suited Moddom so well too.</p>

+

+    <p>While it was being packed up, for I decided to take it with

+    me, a small boy arrived with several hat-boxes, which he put

+    down on the floor.</p>

+

+    <p>Red-hair proceeded to unpack them, carefully, almost

+    reverently, extracting the hats from the folds of surrounding

+    tissue-paper and placing them one by one in various cupboards

+    and drawers. Presently she drew forth from one of the

+    boxes&mdash;I felt sure I was not mistaken&mdash;that very blue

+    hat which I had admired only the day before upon the head of my

+    wife.</p>

+

+    <p>I gave an involuntary exclamation. Red-hair looked at

+    me.</p>

+

+    <p>"Surely," I said, feeling inwardly rather proud at

+    recognising it again&mdash;"surely that hat is exactly like one

+    that my wife bought yesterday."</p>

+

+    <p>Red-hair was hurt. "It is the same hat," she said coldly.

+    "We never make two models alike."</p>

+

+    <p>I tried to mollify her. "I can't understand her sending it

+    back," I said. "I think it's an extremely pretty hat, and it

+    suits her so well. But perhaps there was some alteration

+    necessary. It may not have quite fitted or something?"</p>

+

+    <p>Red-head dived gracefully into the box and drew forth a note

+    from the tissue-paper billows.</p>

+

+    <p>A faint flicker expressive of I knew not what hidden emotion

+    seemed to pass for one moment over her aristocratic features as

+    she read it. But it vanished instantaneously, and she turned to

+    me with her previous air of haughty and imperturbable

+    aloofness.</p>

+

+    <p>"Moddom is not keeping the hat," she said.</p>

+

+    <p>I felt somehow a little snubbed, and said no more, and, my

+    parcel appearing at this moment, I paid and departed.</p>

+

+    <p>Nancy's joy over the jumper more than came up to my

+    expectations. When she had calmed down a little I bethought

+    myself of the matter of the hat.</p>

+

+    <p>"Oh, yes," said Nancy in reply to my question, "I sent it

+    back after all. It won't matter in the least now that you have

+    bought this."</p>

+

+    <p>"But why didn't you keep it?" I said.</p>

+

+    <p>"Well, I really felt I didn't like it so very much," said

+    Nancy, "and, as you didn't seem quite to like it

+    either&mdash;"</p>

+

+    <p>"My dear girl," I protested, "I told you I thought it was

+    charming."</p>

+

+    <p>"Well, anyway you said that blue didn't suit me," persisted

+    my wife. "You <i>did</i>, George."</p>

+

+    <p>There was a moment's pause. It was no use saying anything.

+    Suddenly Nancy jumped up and clutched me by the arm.</p>

+

+    <p>"George," she said anxiously, "you didn't, you didn't say

+    anything about that hat to the girl in the shop, did you?"</p>

+

+    <p>"I believe I mentioned that I thought it was extremely

+    pretty, and that I was sorry you weren't keeping it," I replied

+    airily. "But why?" For my wife's face had suddenly assumed an

+    expression of horrified dismay.</p>

+

+    <p>"I shall never be able to go into that shop again," she

+    wailed, "never. I wrote them a note saying that I was not

+    keeping the hat because <i>my husband very much disliked

+    it</i>, and that I didn't care ever to wear anything of which

+    he didn't approve."</p>

+

+    <p>What is really very unfair about the whole thing is that I

+    know that Nancy thinks me entirely to blame. Indeed she told me

+    so. When I ventured to point out that she had not been quite

+    truthful in the matter she was at first genuinely and honestly

+    amazed, and subsequently so indignant that I was fain

+    ultimately to apologise.</p>

+

+    <p>In looking back upon the episode I am filled with admiration

+    for the red-haired girl. I consider that she showed

+    extraordinary self-restraint in what must have been a

+    peculiarly tempting situation.</p>

+

+    <p>R.F.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:65%;">

+        <a href="images/317.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/317.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+

+        <p><i>Raw Hand</i> (<i>at sea for first time and observing

+        steamer's red and green lights</i>). "'ERE'S SOME LIGHTS ON

+        THE STARBOARD SIDE, SIR."</p>

+

+        <p><i>Officer</i>. "WELL, WHAT IS IT?"</p>

+

+        <p><i>R.H</i>. "LOOKS TO ME LIKE A CHEMIST'S SHOP,

+        SIR."</p>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page318"

+       id="page318"></a>[pg 318]</span>

+

+    <h2>SMALL-TALK.</h2>

+

+    <p>"Of course you must come," said Mary; "it's nonsense to say

+    you can't dance."</p>

+

+    <p>Mary is married to my first cousin, Thomas. I looked at

+    Thomas, but saw no hope of support. Thomas labours under the

+    delusion that he can jazz.</p>

+

+    <p>"It isn't only the dancing," I protested; "it's the

+    conversational strain. Besides, as one of the original founders

+    of the League to Minimise Gossip amongst General Staff

+    Officers&mdash;"</p>

+

+    <p>"Rot!" said Thomas; "you simply let your partners do the

+    talking. You needn't even listen. Just say 'Quite' in your most

+    official tone whenever you hear them saying nothing."</p>

+

+    <p>Thomas, although my first cousin, is not bright; but I had

+    to go.</p>

+

+    <p>For the first few dances I escaped; the crowd round the door

+    was so dense that I saw at once that I should be trampled to

+    death if I attempted to enter. Then I was caught by Mary and

+    introduced to a total stranger.</p>

+

+    <p>I suppose there are people who do not mind kicking a total

+    stranger round the room to the strain of cymbals, a motor siren

+    and a frying-pan. I fancy the lady expressed a desire to stop,

+    but as her words were lost in the orchestral pandemonium I

+    realised that as long as the dulcet chords continued

+    conversation was impossible; so we danced on.</p>

+

+    <p>Fortunately too, when the interval came, she was full of

+    small-talk.</p>

+

+    <p>"Isn't the floor good? And I always like this band."</p>

+

+    <p>"Quite," said I.</p>

+

+    <p>"Rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses to give a dance."</p>

+

+    <p>"Quite," said I.</p>

+

+    <p>"Especially when their eldest boy, the one, you know, who

+    was so frightfully good at golf or something, has just got into

+    a mess with&mdash;"</p>

+

+    <p>"Quite," said I, while she plunged into a flood of

+    reminiscences. She did not ask whether I could jazz, mainly, I

+    think, because I had already danced with her. I concentrated my

+    thoughts on the best means of avoiding Mary when the music

+    began again, and just threw in an occasional "Quite" to keep

+    the lady in a good temper.</p>

+

+    <p>But there was no escaping Mary.</p>

+

+    <p>"You <i>must</i> go and dance with Miss Carter," she told

+    me, adducing incontrovertible arguments. I am terrified of Miss

+    Carter, who can only be described as "statuesque" and always

+    does the right thing (which makes her crushing to the verge of

+    discourtesy). I am always being asked if I know whether she is

+    "only twenty-two." It was not without satisfaction that I

+    initiated her into my style of dancing.</p>

+

+    <p>To my horror, when we stopped she sat in silence, regarding

+    me with an air of expectant boredom. I racked my brains.</p>

+

+    <p>"Good floor, isn't it?" said I.</p>

+

+    <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter.</p>

+

+    <p>"Jolly good band too."</p>

+

+    <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter.</p>

+

+    <p>"And rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses, don't you

+    think?"</p>

+

+    <p>She said it again. By this time I felt convinced that all

+    the other couples within hearing were listening to us. Miss

+    Carter is that sort of person.</p>

+

+    <p>"Of course," I said with a nervous laugh, "it's rather

+    absurd for me to say anything about it, because, you know,

+    dancing isn't much in my line."</p>

+

+    <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter.</p>

+

+    <p>That settled it; I felt I must stop her at all costs. I

+    cleared my throat and spoke as distinctly as I could.</p>

+

+    <p>"I'm always being asked a conundrum, Miss Carter, and you're

+    the one person who can tell me the true answer. Am I permitted

+    to ask it?"</p>

+

+    <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter, for the first time almost

+    smiling. I plucked up courage.</p>

+

+    <p>"It's this: how old are you?"</p>

+

+    <p>She stopped herself just in time. Her answer was given in a

+    tone which expressed at the same time her contempt for my

+    breach of the conventions and the fact that she was too

+    indifferent to think me worth snubbing.</p>

+

+    <p>"Twenty-two," said she.</p>

+

+    <p>"Quite," said I.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:50%;">

+        <a href="images/318.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/318.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+

+        <p>"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HAIR DONE, MADAM?"</p>

+

+        <p>"WELL, I WANT TO GET IT DEBOBBED AS SOON AS

+        POSSIBLE."</p>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>THE CAREER (POSTPONED).</h2>

+

+    <p>MY DEAR JAMES,&mdash;A few weeks ago I wrote to tell you

+    that ere long the military machine would be able to spare one

+    of its cogs&mdash;myself. I discussed possible careers in civil

+    life, and since then I had almost decided on "filbert-grower."

+    Had things gone well, by the beginning of June you should have

+    received a first instalment of forced filberts.</p>

+

+    <p>Now this cannot be. The cog is shown to be indispensable. I

+    must remain a soldier.</p>

+

+    <p>Why do they want me, James? I am nothing like a soldier. I

+    cannot click my heels as other men do. I try, Heaven knows how

+    I try, but all the C.O. hears is a sound as of two cabbages

+    being slapped together. And my word of command! The critics say

+    it is like a cry for help in a London fog.</p>

+

+    <p>My haversack contains no trace of any Field-Marshal's baton.

+    You are aware that every private soldier's haversack is issued

+    complete with "Batons, one, Field-Marshal (potential), for the

+    use of." But there is no authority for such an issue for

+    commissioned ranks.</p>

+

+    <p>Is it because of my manner with men and my powers as a

+    disciplinarian? I fear not. If a man is brought before me for

+    summary jurisdiction a lump rises in my throat and I want to

+    cry. I am always sure he didn't mean to do it. As for military

+    law, I am shaky on the fines for drunkenness, and I don't feel

+    at all sure whether death at dawn or two extra fatigues is the

+    maximum punishment for having one string of the hold-all longer

+    than the other when on active service.</p>

+

+    <p>When I kicked the bell-push towards the end of last

+    guest-night the Adjutant said he should mark me down for the

+    job of Physical Training Officer; but I hope he was only

+    joking. I am not <span class="pagenum"><a name="page319"

+       id="page319"></a>[pg 319]</span> built for the work. My

+       frame is puny and my countenance irresolute. I hate bending

+       and stretching my arms; they creak and frighten me. I never

+       could squat on my heels like a thingummy.</p>

+

+    <p>I might, if allowed, make a hit as Messing Officer. With the

+    aid of my Cookery Course notes I can differentiate between no

+    fewer than thirty-four different types of rissole.

+    Unfortunately we already have a Messing Officer of deadly

+    efficiency. He can classify dripping by instinct. He can

+    memorise at sight all the revolting contents of a swill-tub. My

+    rissole lore is a poor asset in comparison.</p>

+

+    <p>No, James, I think I have it. One day you will read that our

+    Armies of Occupation consist of so many hundred thousands of

+    all ranks, including, perhaps, 35,001 officers. That is why

+    they retain me. I shall be the "1" at the end of the thousands.

+    It is your humble servant's function to keep the Armies of

+    Occupation up to strength.</p>

+

+    <p>Are we to be robbed of the fruits of victory? The reply is

+    in the negative. Therefore, when next June comes along and you

+    yearn for the early filberts, do not be fretty. Remember that I

+    am gathering in fruits of another and a nobler kind. Yours

+    ever,</p>

+

+    <p>WILLIAM.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/319.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/319.png"

+             alt="" /></a>"SORRY, MUM, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU'LL 'AVE

+             TER STAY UPSTAIRS 'COS THE AFFILIATED SOCIETY OF

+             PIANNER-SHIFTERS 'AS CALLED A GENERAL STRIKE THIS

+             MINNIT."

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>NEW BREAD FOR OLD.</h2>

+

+    <blockquote class="note">

+        <p>["New Bread Again"&mdash;"Loaves of Any

+        Shape."&mdash;<i>Headlines from a Daily Paper</i>.]</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <div class="poem">

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>As I walked forth in Baker Street</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">As sober as a Quaker,</p>

+

+            <p>Whom did I have the luck to meet?</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">I met a jolly Baker.</p>

+

+            <p>His voice was gay, his eye was bright,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">His step was light and airy,</p>

+

+            <p>His face and arms were powdered white&mdash;</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">I think he was a fairy;</p>

+

+            <p>He danced beneath the April moon,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">And as he danced he trolled</p>

+

+            <p>Wild snatches of an ancient rune,</p>

+

+            <p>Yet all the burden of his tune</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Was "New&mdash;Bread&mdash;for Old!"</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Quoth I: "Whence got you, lad, a heart</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">So glad that you must show it?"</p>

+

+            <p>Quoth he: "The Baker hath his art</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">No less, Sir, than the Poet;</p>

+

+            <p>I tell ye, I'm so blithe to-night</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">I'd paint the old Moon's orb red!</p>

+

+            <p>Oh, think ye that I took delight</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">For years in baking war-bread?</p>

+

+            <p>One shape, one colour and one size,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">By Government controlled?</p>

+

+            <p>But now all this to limbo flies;</p>

+

+            <p>What wonder that to-night I cries</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">'New&mdash;Bread&mdash;for Old?'</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>"Good Sir, the Baker hath a soul</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">And loves to make bread

+            pleasant&mdash;</p>

+

+            <p>The Twist, the long Vienna Roll,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">The Horseshoe and the Crescent,</p>

+

+            <p>The Milk, the Tin, the lovely loaf</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Where currants one discovers,</p>

+

+            <p>The Wholemeal for the country oaf,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">The Knot for all true lovers.</p>

+

+            <p>So, till upon the glowing East</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">The sun in red and gold</p>

+

+            <p>Comes forth to bake the daily feast,</p>

+

+            <p>I'll cry with heart as light as yeast,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">'New&mdash;Bread&mdash;for Old!'"</p>

+        </div>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h3>The Modern Icarus.</h3>

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"After an hour's flight over the frozen Conception Bay

+        and the town of St. John's, Mr. Hawker made a perfect

+        landing. He appeared more than over confident of

+        success."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"General admiration and sympathy is extended to Mr.

+        Tawker due to his frankness regarding his progress towards

+        making the trans-ocean flight."&mdash;<i>Sunday

+        Paper</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p>We trust our contemporaries are not in a conspiracy to

+    represent the gallant aviator as a hot-air man.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"Presently, when aviation becomes a commonplace, the

+        fares will come down."&mdash;<i>Daily Dispatch</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p>That's just what makes us so nervous.</p>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page320"

+       id="page320"></a>[pg 320]</span>

+

+    <h2>PEACE TERMS.</h2>

+

+    <h3>BEING SOME LETTERS OF MRS. PARTINGTON TO HER SISTER.</h3>

+

+    <blockquote class="note">

+        <p>[Conferences between mistresses and servants are being

+        held in various parts of the country to discuss terms of

+        peace in the domestic world.]</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p>

+

+    <p>DEAR MOIRA,&mdash;We haven't got a servant yet, but we are

+    clutching at a new hope. There is to be a conference here

+    between mistresses and maids, to discuss and readjust the

+    servants' rights and the mistresses' wrongs&mdash;or is it the

+    other way about? Anyhow, I shall attend that conference. I

+    shall bribe, plead, consent to any arrangement if I can but net

+    a cook-general. Ten months of doing my own washing-up has

+    brought me to my knees, while Harry says the performance of

+    menial duties has crushed his spirit.</p>

+

+    <p>Of course, Harry does make such a fuss of things. You might

+    think, to hear him talk, that the getting up of coal, lighting

+    fires, chopping wood and cleaning flues was the entire work of

+    a household, instead of being mere incidents in the daily

+    routine. If he had to tackle <i>my</i> duties&mdash;but men

+    never seem to understand how much there is to do in a

+    house.</p>

+

+    <p>I will tell you about the conference when I write again.</p>

+

+    <p>Yours always, DODO.</p>

+

+    <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p>

+

+    <p>DEAR MOIRA,&mdash;The conference was a most interesting

+    affair; the one going on in Paris could never be half so

+    thrilling. There was a goodly attendance of servants, and they

+    had their own spokeswoman. We spoke for ourselves&mdash;those

+    of us who were not too dazed at the sight of so many

+    "treasures" almost within our grasp.</p>

+

+    <p>What the servants wanted was not unreasonable. They chiefly

+    demanded a certain time to themselves during the day, with

+    fixed hours for meals, evening free, etc.</p>

+

+    <p>Then Mrs. Boydon-Spoute got up&mdash;you know how that woman

+    loves to hear herself talk&mdash;and said that such demands

+    were outrageous. (It's easy for her to raise objections. She

+    has somehow paralysed her two servants into staying with her

+    for over ten years.) She pointed out that under such conditions

+    the servant would have more freedom than the mistress; and to

+    allow the working classes to thus get the upper hand was

+    nothing short of encouraging Bolshevism in the home. Dreadful

+    thing to say, wasn't it?</p>

+

+    <p>The servants got rather restive at that. When I thought of

+    the two days' washing-up waiting for me at home I retorted with

+    spirit that servants had as much right to freedom as we, and it

+    was our duty to guard their interests&mdash;and lots of

+    inspired things like that, glaring at Mrs. Boydon-Spoute the

+    while.</p>

+

+    <p>I spoke so well that a cook-general offered herself to me as

+    soon as the conference was over. She comes in on Monday.</p>

+

+    <p>Yours in transports, DODO.</p>

+

+    <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p>

+

+    <p>DEAR MOIRA,&mdash;Emma, the new maid, has arrived. Harry is

+    as relieved as I am and was quite cheerful while I was dressing

+    the gash he had inflicted on his hand while chopping wood.

+    Isn't it strange that men can never give the slightest

+    assistance in the house without getting themselves hurt in some

+    way?</p>

+

+    <p>Emma promises to be a treasure. If mistresses would only

+    show a little humanity there never would be any servant trouble

+    at all. It is people like Mrs. Boydon-Spoute who are

+    responsible for it.</p>

+

+    <p>Yours, purring content, DODO.</p>

+

+    <p><i>Puddleford.</i></p>

+

+    <p>DEAR MOIRA,&mdash;I am sorry not to have written for such a

+    long time. I have been so extremely busy.</p>

+

+    <p>You see, when Emma has had her two hours free daily, her

+    hour-and-a-half off for dinner, with half-an-hour for other

+    meals, every evening out as well as two afternoons a week, you

+    would be surprised what little leisure is left to her for the

+    housework.</p>

+

+    <p>She gets in what she can, of course, and I do the rest.

+    Doing the rest, by the way, takes up a great deal of my time.

+    But I generally have an hour free in the evenings.</p>

+

+    <p>Your brave DODO.</p>

+

+    <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p>

+

+    <p>DEAR MOIRA,&mdash;I am glad to say Emma has gone and I am

+    putting my name down at a registry-office in the usual way.

+    It's too much of a strain having "conference" girls in the

+    home.</p>

+

+    <p>Who was it said that if we are to allow the working classes

+    to get the upper hand it was nothing short of encouraging

+    Bolshevism in the home? Anyhow, I think he&mdash;or perhaps it

+    was she&mdash;must be right.</p>

+

+    <p>I must close rather hastily. I have just heard a terrific

+    crash in the kitchen; I'm afraid Harry has dropped something on

+    his foot <i>again</i>.</p>

+

+    <p>Your long-suffering DODO.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, like a fatherly hen, hovered over

+        all, satisfying himself that nothing had been omitted that

+        could detract from their comfort."&mdash;<i>Egyptian

+        Mail.</i></p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p>We cannot imagine any hen, however unsexed, behaving like

+    that.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>RHYMES OF RANK.</h2>

+

+    <div class="poem">

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Vice-Admirals command a base;</p>

+

+            <p>Their forms blend dignity with grace.</p>

+

+            <p>You never see the smallest trace</p>

+

+            <p>Of levity upon the face</p>

+

+            <p>Of one who wears a Vice's lace.</p>

+

+            <p>For Admirals to romp and race</p>

+

+            <p>Or frolic in a public place</p>

+

+            <p>Is held to be a great disgrace;</p>

+

+            <p>I do not think a single case</p>

+

+            <p>Of this has happened at our base.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>The Commodore, the Commodore</p>

+

+            <p>Is very popular ashore;</p>

+

+            <p>He can relate an endless store</p>

+

+            <p>Of yarns which scarcely ever bore</p>

+

+            <p>Till they are told three times or more.</p>

+

+            <p>The ladies young and old adore</p>

+

+            <p>This man who bathed in Teuton gore</p>

+

+            <p>And practically won the War;</p>

+

+            <p>But once, a fact I much deplore,</p>

+

+            <p>A General was heard to snore</p>

+

+            <p>While seated near the Commodore.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>The Captain dwells aloof, alone;</p>

+

+            <p>He has a cabin of his own;</p>

+

+            <p>And should the smallest nose be blown,</p>

+

+            <p>Though softly and with dulcet tone,</p>

+

+            <p>In earshot of this sacred zone</p>

+

+            <p>The very ship herself would groan.</p>

+

+            <p>Yes, Captains (though but flesh and bone</p>

+

+            <p>Like little snotties, be it known)</p>

+

+            <p>Are best severely left alone.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Commanders are a stern-eyed folk</p>

+

+            <p>Who may or may not take a joke;</p>

+

+            <p>It really isn't safe to poke</p>

+

+            <p>Light fun at any three-ringed bloke;</p>

+

+            <p>You may be sorry that you spoke.</p>

+

+            <p>Their ways are proud; they sport the oak;</p>

+

+            <p>They are not tame enough to stroke;</p>

+

+            <p>I greatly dread these grim-eyed folk.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Lieutenants of the R.N.V.</p>

+

+            <p>Were born and bred on land, not sea,</p>

+

+            <p>And ancient mariners like me</p>

+

+            <p>With sly grimace and winks of glee</p>

+

+            <p>Would watch them when the winds blew free,</p>

+

+            <p>Or send them down a cup of tea.</p>

+

+            <p>But soon their deeds became their plea</p>

+

+            <p>For standing with the Big Navee</p>

+

+            <p>In equal fame and dignity:</p>

+

+            <p>While even Subs. R.N. agree</p>

+

+            <p>They're better than they used to be,</p>

+

+            <p>These Looties of the R.N.V.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Sub-Loots are nothing if not sports;</p>

+

+            <p>The nicest girls in all the ports</p>

+

+            <p>Declare they are the best of sorts</p>

+

+            <p>And useful on the tennis-courts.</p>

+

+            <p>In gun-rooms, where their rank resorts,</p>

+

+            <p>They bandy quips and shrewd retorts,</p>

+

+            <p>And swig champagne, not pints but quarts.</p>

+

+            <p>I said at first that they were sports.</p>

+        </div>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page321"

+       id="page321"></a>[pg 321]</span>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/321.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/321.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+

+        <p><i>Headmaster</i> (<i>interviewing new boy</i>). "AT

+        WHAT SCHOOL WERE YOU LAST, MY BOY?"</p>

+

+        <p><i>New Boy</i>. "P-P-PLEASE, SIR, AT A ST-T-T-TAMMERING

+        T-TUTOR'S"; (<i>feels he is not making the best of

+        himself</i>) "B-BUT THEY T-TAUGHT OTHER THINGS BESIDES

+        ST-T-T-TAMMERING."</p>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>WITH THE RED GUARDS.</h2>

+

+    <blockquote class="note">

+        <p>A good deal of curiosity exists regarding the management

+        of the Bolshevik army, in which it is stated that

+        discipline does not exist. A copy of Battalion Orders may

+        therefore be of interest:</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <h3><i>BATTALION ORDERS</i></h3>

+

+    <h4>BY MAJOR TROTOFF</h4>

+

+    <h4>(Commanding the 22nd Battalion the Red Guards).</h4>

+

+    <p>(1) DETAIL.</p>

+

+    <p>Disorderly Officer&mdash;LOOT VODKAWITCH.</p>

+

+    <p>Next for duty (if so disposed): LOOT PUTAWAYSKY.</p>

+

+    <p>(2) PARADES.</p>

+

+    <p>The Battalion (or such of it as has no other engagement)

+    will parade as strong as possible on the Peter-and-Paulsky

+    Prospekt, at 10.30 A.M. for 9.30 A.M.</p>

+

+    <p>DRESS.</p>

+

+    <p>Barging order, with rifles, razors, knives, pokers and

+    horsewhips.</p>

+

+    <p>The following scheme will be carried out:&mdash;</p>

+

+    <p><i>General Idea</i>.&mdash;A few families of the Bourgeois

+    class have taken up a position in certain cellars in West End

+    of City. Patrols report that they still possess a few

+    valuables.</p>

+

+    <p><i>Special Idea</i>.&mdash;The O.C. invites the Battalion to

+    occupy district and help itself.</p>

+

+    <p>(3) COMMAND.</p>

+

+    <p>The Second in Command of this unit regrets to announce that

+    he found it necessary to sentence his Commanding Officer to

+    forty-two days No. 1 F.P. for attempting to maintain

+    discipline; the Second in Command therefore assumes command of

+    this unit in the absence of the C.O. now serving sentence.</p>

+

+    <p>(4) COURSE.</p>

+

+    <p>Would a few officers mind being detailed for the

+    hundred-and-twenty-first course in the use of Private House

+    Grenades, 13th of this month?</p>

+

+    <p>(5) BOOTS, BOLSHEVISTS FOR THE USE OF, ISSUE OF.</p>

+

+    <p>The Quartermaster would be greatly obliged if private

+    gentlemen of the Battalion requiring boots would favour him

+    with a visit at any time during the day or night.</p>

+

+    <p>If not inconvenient to them it would be a kindness if they

+    let him know what they take.</p>

+

+    <h4>NOTICE.</h4>

+

+    <p>The Officer at present in command of the Battalion has

+    pleasure in announcing that the private residence of the

+    Commanding Officer, which contains a large number of objects of

+    great beauty and value, is through its owner's unavoidable

+    absence at present unguarded.</p>

+

+    <p>In these circumstances the O.C. is pleased to grant an

+    extension to all ranks until twelve midnight.</p>

+

+    <p>P. PIPSKY,</p>

+

+    <p><i>Captain and Agitant</i>.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h3>A Super-Mormon.</h3>

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"A Nelson soldier in a letter states that General

+        &mdash;&mdash; informed his unit that he had 2,000 wives to

+        ship out to New Zealand, and another 2,000 would be ready

+        to leave England during the next few months."&mdash;<i>New

+        Zealand Paper</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+    <hr />

+

+    <div class="poem">

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>There was an industrial freak,</p>

+

+            <p>As a labourer sadly to seek;</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">But he leapt into fame</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">By preferring a claim</p>

+

+            <p>For a general Ten-Minutes' Week.</p>

+        </div>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page322"

+       id="page322"></a>[pg 322]</span>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/322.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/322.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+

+        <p><i>Vicar</i> (<i>to parishioner who has violent quarrels

+        with her neighbour</i>), "MRS. CRABBE SENT A MESSAGE THAT

+        SHE HAS QUITE FORGIVEN YOU. WHAT MESSAGE CAN I TAKE TO

+        HER?"</p>

+

+        <p><i>Parishioner</i>. "YOU CAN SAY I 'OPE SHE'LL DIE

+        'APPY."</p>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>FEARFUL ODDS.</h2>

+

+    <div class="poem">

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>There's no fear that strikes so dumb,</p>

+

+            <p>None so hard to overcome,</p>

+

+            <p>As the thought that there are two</p>

+

+            <p>Eyes that <i>may</i> be watching you.</p>

+

+            <p>Here's a perfect illustration</p>

+

+            <p>Of that sickening sensation.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Young Lieutenant Jimmy Spry's</p>

+

+            <p>Power resided in his eyes;</p>

+

+            <p>He'd been able all his days</p>

+

+            <p>To revolve them different ways.</p>

+

+            <p>For example, let's suppose</p>

+

+            <p>That the right one watched his nose,</p>

+

+            <p>Then the left&mdash;you'll think it queer&mdash;</p>

+

+            <p>Turned towards his dexter ear.</p>

+

+            <p>But what really made him great</p>

+

+            <p>Was&mdash;he always <i>saw</i> things straight.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Out in France, a year ago,</p>

+

+            <p>He was cornered by the foe;</p>

+

+            <p>Neither party had a gun,</p>

+

+            <p>But the odds were three to one</p>

+

+            <p>And the Huns were fit and strong;</p>

+

+            <p>One was lean and very long,</p>

+

+            <p>One was short and stout of calf,</p>

+

+            <p>While the third was half and half.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Jimmy, spoiling for a fight,</p>

+

+            <p>Fixed the short one with his right,</p>

+

+            <p>While his left with martial glare</p>

+

+            <p>Met the long 'un's startled stare;</p>

+

+            <p>But&mdash;I know it sounds absurd&mdash;</p>

+

+            <p>He was <i>looking</i> at the third.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Jimmy was, I'd have you know,</p>

+

+            <p>Something of a boxing pro.,</p>

+

+            <p>So he knew the golden maxim:</p>

+

+            <p>"He who eyes his man best whacks him."</p>

+

+            <p>Shorty, when he saw the grim</p>

+

+            <p>Optic that was turned on him,</p>

+

+            <p>Thinking Jimmy's fist looked hard</p>

+

+            <p>Prudently remained on guard.</p>

+

+            <p>Canny Hun! And who can blame</p>

+

+            <p>Longshanks if he did the same?</p>

+

+            <p>But our hero, irritated,</p>

+

+            <p>Grassed the third man while they waited.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Filled with rage and anger, both</p>

+

+            <p>Rushed upon him with an oath,</p>

+

+            <p>Eager now to slit the gizzard</p>

+

+            <p>Of that astigmatic wizard,</p>

+

+            <p>Till they noticed with dismay</p>

+

+            <p><i>Both</i> his eyes were far away!</p>

+

+            <p>(One eye sought the earth, while one</p>

+

+            <p>Seemed to contemplate the sun.)</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Both stopped dead; the same cold thought</p>

+

+            <p>At their jangling heart-strings caught.</p>

+

+            <p>Longshanks, trembling at the knee,</p>

+

+            <p>Quavered, "Hans, he's watching <i>me</i>!"</p>

+

+            <p>Shorty whimpered, scared to fits,</p>

+

+            <p>"No, it's <i>me</i> he's after, Fritz!"</p>

+

+            <p>Sick with fear, their souls revolted;</p>

+

+            <p>As one man they turned and bolted.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>At them Spry in mild amaze</p>

+

+            <p>(Literally) bent his gaze,</p>

+

+            <p>Sighed, and then without a word</p>

+

+            <p>Wandered homeward with the third.</p>

+        </div>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h3>BAR BABIES.</h3>

+

+    <blockquote class="note">

+        <p>[Lord Justice BANKS recently referred to the possible

+        establishment of a Law Courts' <i>cr&ecirc;che</i>, where

+        the female barrister might leave her young while engaged in

+        forensic duties.]</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p><i>From "The Law Times" of 192&mdash;.</i></p>

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"A Violent altercation took place yesterday in the room

+        allotted to infants of the Junior Bar (adjoining the Court

+        of Pathetic Appeal) between his nurse and little Johnnie,

+        the teething infant of Mrs. Flapperton, who, by the way, we

+        noticed being measured only the other day for silk. The

+        Court Husher having failed to produce silence, Mrs. Justice

+        Spankhurst had to intervene, and only succeeded in

+        restoring order by threatening to have the

+        <i>cr&ecirc;che</i> cleared."</p>

+    </blockquote>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page323"

+       id="page323"></a>[pg 323]</span>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/323.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/323.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+

+        <h3>THE RECKONING.</h3>PAN-GERMAN. "MONSTROUS, I CALL IT.

+        WHY, IT'S FULLY A QUARTER OF WHAT <i>WE</i> SHOULD HAVE

+        MADE <i>THEM</i> PAY, IF <i>WE</i>'D WON."

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page325"

+       id="page325"></a>[pg 325]</span>

+

+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>

+

+    <p><i>Monday, April 14th</i>.&mdash;The Criminal Injuries

+    (Ireland) Bill furnished the LORD CHANCELLOR with the text for

+    a rather gloomy sermon on the present state of the

+    sister-country. The King's Writ still runs there, but in many

+    counties is outstripped by the rival <i>fiat</i> of Sinn Fein.

+    A tribute to the impeccable behaviour of "law-abiding" Ulster

+    appeared to stir in the breast of Lord CREWE memories of the

+    pre-war prancings of a certain "Galloper," for he remarked that

+    the noble lord's information seemed to be "partial and

+    recent."</p>

+

+    <p>Exception has recently been taken to the cab-shelter in

+    Palace Yard, some Members objecting that its architectural

+    design was out of harmony with that of the Houses of

+    Parliament, and others complaining that its internal

+    attractions were so great as to seduce the taxi-men from paying

+    any attention to prospective fares. Sir ALFRED MOND, after long

+    consideration, has decided to abolish the offending edifice and

+    to give the drivers a shelter in the Vaults, where the police

+    will discourage them from exceeding in the matter of "rest and

+    refreshment."</p>

+

+    <p>Members were naturally eager to hear what Mr. BONAR LAW,

+    freshly flown from Paris, had to tell them about the Peace

+    Conference, the prospects of hanging the EX-KAISER, and so

+    forth, but received little information, save that the

+    Government shared the popular desire that no legal quibble

+    should prevent the arch-criminal being brought to justice.

+    Members were a little comforted, however, by the announcement

+    that a Committee of the Cabinet is already considering the

+    whole question of Peace-celebrations. While Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is

+    engaged (if the image is permitted) in fighting beasts at

+    Ephesus it is pleasant to think of his colleagues deciding upon

+    the relative merits of crackers and Catherine-wheels, flares

+    and bonfires, church-bells and steam-sirens, as means for the

+    expression of the national joy.</p>

+

+    <div class="figright"

+         style="width:60%;">

+        <a href="images/325.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/325.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+

+        <h3>SIR A. MOND AND AN EFFICIENT CAB SERVICE FOR

+        MEMBERS.</h3>At a blast on whistle the cab-drivers will

+        down tea-cups, cake, kippers or what-not, and double

+        smartly on to parade.

+    </div>

+

+    <p>After the loud orgy of headline which followed upon his

+    remarkable victory at Central Hull, Commander KENWORTHY might

+    reasonably have expected that his entry into the House would

+    have produced an uproarious scene of demonstration and

+    counter-demonstration. But there was nothing of the kind. The

+    jubilant "Wee Frees," of course, cheered as one man, but the

+    volume of sound produced was not appreciably greater than if

+    one man had cheered; and the crowded Coalitionists sat gloomily

+    silent, though no doubt they thought a lot. The gallant

+    Commander has already introduced one pleasing innovation into

+    the procedure of the House, for, before signing the Roll, he

+    nodded cheerfully to the ladies in the Gallery, as if to say,

+    "But for you I shouldn't be here!"</p>

+

+    <p>Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN, who at Question-time had

+    regretfully admitted that the Government were withdrawing

+    soldiers from agriculture at a moment when they were

+    particularly required, now moved the Second Reading of the Bill

+    which is intended to give them the chance of going back to the

+    land in perpetuity. In spite of his warning that the cost of

+    the land to be acquired was a comparatively minor part of the

+    expense, Members vied with one another in denouncing the

+    iniquity of allowing the land-owner to get the present

+    market-value of his property; and the landlords'

+    representatives themselves hastened to declare that such a

+    preposterous notion never entered their heads. The Bill was

+    read a second time without a division. I don't suppose it will

+    provide land for anything approaching the eight hundred

+    thousand soldiers who are said to be pining for it; but it

+    ought to satisfy the relatively small proportion who, after

+    hearing about the trials and hardships of a

+    small-holder&mdash;no forty-eight hours' week for

+    him!&mdash;retain their agricultural aspirations.</p>

+

+    <p><i>Tuesday, April 15th</i>.&mdash;In a couple of hours the

+    Lords disposed of several Bills, enjoyed a scientific debate on

+    neurasthenia&mdash;described by a correspondent of Lord

+    KNUTSFORD as "a gas escaping from people"&mdash;discussed the

+    prices of milk and cheese, and still found time for the

+    consideration of their own procedure. Lord CURZON said the

+    suggestion that the House should sit on more days in the week

+    had not been favourably received. Friday would not do, as their

+    Lordships went out of town on that day, and Monday was equally

+    inconvenient, as they could not contrive to get back by then.

+    To earlier sittings the LORD CHANCELLOR objected on behalf of

+    his legal colleagues. So it looks as if there would be no

+    change, and since, <i>teste</i> Lord SALISBURY, the House does

+    its work admirably, why should there be?</p>

+

+    <p>Remembering a famous speech on the presumption of certain

+    organs of the Press, the Commons were not surprised to learn

+    from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, <i>&agrave; propos</i> of the beer-tax,

+    that he is not responsible for what may appear in <i>The

+    Times</i>.</p>

+

+    <p>There is still something of "the eternal boy" in Major

+    WEDGWOOD BENN. It was with an air of "Now I've got him" that he

+    propounded the question, "Is paper a raw material or a

+    manufactured article?" But Mr. BRIDGEMAN can always solve these

+    Cobdenite conundrums, and quietly replied, "Both." Whereupon

+    Major BENN, with an engaging blush, retired from the fray.</p>

+

+    <p>In moving the second reading of the Aliens Restriction Bill

+    the HOME SECRETARY said that, while national safety must be the

+    first consideration, no unnecessary hardship should be

+    inflicted on our foreign immigrants. But his proposal that the

+    Government should rest contented with its present powers for

+    another two years met with little favour from Members whose

+    knowledge of history seems to date from 1914. In the opinion of

+    Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who led the Opposition, every alien was <i>prima

+    facie</i> undesirable; Sir ERNEST WILD, from his experience in

+    the criminal courts, took the same view, and patriotically

+    demanded the exclusion from our shores of persons whose

+    principal occupation, we gathered, was to furnish him with

+    briefs for the defence; and Mr. JOYNSON HICKS, Mr. BILLING and

+    Sir R. COOPER urged that the SHORTT way with aliens should be

+    made considerably shorter. Before this massed attack the HOME

+    SECRETARY gave way and agreed to reduce the operation of the

+    Bill to one year.</p>

+

+    <p>The temperature of the House rose so appreciably during the

+    debate as to <span class="pagenum"><a name="page326"

+       id="page326"></a>[pg 326]</span> upset the nerves of some of

+       the ladies in the Strangers' Gallery. At least that is the

+       charitable explanation of the behaviour of Miss SYLVIA

+       PANKHURST and her friends, who interrupted a discussion on

+       soldiers' pensions by shouting out, "You are a gang of

+       murderers!"</p>

+

+    <p><i>Wednesday, April 16th</i>.&mdash;A crowded House, the

+    Peers' Gallery full to overflowing, the HEIR-APPARENT over the

+    Clock, and the new Editor of <i>The Times</i> among the

+    representatives of the Press&mdash;the PRIME MINISTER could

+    have desired no better setting for his speech upon the labours

+    of the Peace Conference. His original intention was to hold his

+    forces in reserve and invite his critics to "fire first," but,

+    as none of these gentlemen seemed to be particularly anxious to

+    go "over the top," Mr. LLOYD GEOEGE obligingly altered his

+    battle-plan and himself delivered the opening fusillade.</p>

+

+    <p>That he was in no apologetic mood was shown in almost his

+    first sentence. His declaration that indemnities were a

+    difficult problem, "not to be settled by telegram," evoked

+    resounding cheers. Thenceforward he held the sympathy of the

+    House, whether he was describing the difficulties of the Peace

+    Conference, or reconciling the apparent inconsistencies of its

+    Russian policy, or inveighing against the attempts of certain

+    newspapers to sow dissension among the Allies. "I would rather

+    have a good Peace than a good Press" was one of his most

+    telling phrases, and it was followed by a character-sketch of

+    his principal newspaper-critic which in pungency left nothing

+    to be desired. "What a journalist I could have made of him!"

+    the recluse of Fontainebleau will doubtless remark when he

+    reads the passage.</p>

+

+    <p>The PRIME MINISTER'S object, I imagine, was less to impart

+    information than to create an atmosphere; and he was so far

+    successful that the House showed little inclination to listen

+    to other speakers. Nevertheless several of them devoted some

+    hours to saying nothing in particular before the House

+    mercifully adjourned for the Easter Recess.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"The Postmaster-General, in a written answer, states

+        that arrangements are now in hand for the improvement,

+        where circumstances permit, of postal services which have

+        been curtained as a result of war

+        conditions."&mdash;<i>Scots Paper</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p>As for the telephone service, we can well believe that he

+    would prefer the veil to be kept over that.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>A GERMLESS EDEN.</h2>

+

+    <div class="poem">

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>The antiseptic baby and the prophylactic pup</p>

+

+            <p>Were playing in the garden when the bunny gambolled

+            up;</p>

+

+            <p>They looked upon the creature with a loathing

+            undisguised,</p>

+

+            <p>For he wasn't disinfected and he wasn't

+            sterilized.</p>

+

+            <p>They said he was a microbe and a hotbed of

+            disease;</p>

+

+            <p>They steamed him in a vapour of a thousand odd

+            degrees,</p>

+

+            <p>They froze him in a freezer that was cold as

+            banished hope,</p>

+

+            <p>They washed him with permanganate and carbolated

+            soap,</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>With sulphuretted hydrogen they bathed his wiggly

+            ears;</p>

+

+            <p>They trimmed his frisky whiskers with a pair of

+            hard-boiled shears;</p>

+

+            <p>Then they donned their rubber mittens and they took

+            him by the hand</p>

+

+            <p>And elected him a member of the fumigated band.</p>

+

+            <p>Now there's not a micrococcus in the garden where

+            they play</p>

+

+            <p>And they bathe in pure iodoform a dozen times a

+            day,</p>

+

+            <p>Taking each his daily ration from a hygienic

+            cup,</p>

+

+            <p>The baby and the bunny and the prophylactic pup.</p>

+        </div>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:45%;">

+        <a href="images/326.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/326.png"

+             alt="" /></a>THE QUESTION OF PEACE CELEBRATIONS IS

+             BEING CONSIDERED BY A COMMITTEE OF THE CABINET.

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h3>Rapid Promotion.</h3>

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"Cpl. A.A.C. Earl of Shaftesbury, K.P., K.C.V.O.,

+        relinquishes his appt. (March 1), and is granted the hon.

+        rank of Brig.-Gen."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>FROM THE STREET OF ADVENTURE.</h2>

+

+    <p>Journalistic reconstructions and amalgamations have been

+    proceeding so rapidly and extensively of late that there seems

+    no end to the kaleidoscopic possibilities of the future.</p>

+

+    <p>Up to the present, however, no confirmation can be obtained

+    of the startling rumor that <i>The Spectator</i> has been

+    purchased by the proprietors of <i>The Kennel Gazette</i>, and

+    will henceforth be devoted to the interests of our four-footed

+    friends, the supplements being restricted to purely feline

+    amenities.</p>

+

+    <p>Another persistent rumour, which hitherto lacks the seal of

+    official corroboration, is to the effect that <i>The

+    Guardian</i> is to be given a new range of activity as the

+    organ of scientific spiritualism, under the title of <i>The

+    Guardian Angel</i> and the joint editorship of Sir Oliver Doyle

+    and Sir Conan Lodge. The investigations into multiple

+    consciousness conducted by these two eminent <i>savants</i>

+    have proved their mutual convertibility to such an extent that

+    they have decided upon this rearrangement of their names. If

+    the scheme materialises the stimulating collaboration of Mr.

+    HAROLD BEGBIE is a foregone conclusion, and there is even a

+    possibility of contributions from an August Exile somewhere in

+    Holland.</p>

+

+    <p>A third report maintains with minute circumstantiality that

+    the proprietors of <i>The Economist</i>, having come to the

+    conclusion that this journal needs brightening, have decided to

+    entrust the post of principal leader-writer to "CALLISTHENES,"

+    and retain the services of the authoress of <i>The Tunnel</i>

+    as financial <i>feuilleton</i> writer. But on enquiry at the

+    London School of Economics we could not obtain any definite

+    information.</p>

+

+    <p>The rumours that <i>The Morning Post</i> is about to be

+    merged in <i>The Winning Post</i>, and that Mr. MAXSE is

+    starting an evening paper, to be called <i>The Job and

+    Caviller</i>, are extremely interesting, but need to be

+    received with a certain amount of caution.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"Two-seater Motor-car. 7-9 h.p., in perfect running

+        order, Bosch magneto, Michelin tyres, spare wheel and

+        accessories, Axminster and Brussels carpets, stair

+        carpeting, lino., kitchen utensils, dinner service, copper

+        chafing dish, pots, pans, lawn mower, deck chairs, &amp;c.,

+        nearly new mangle, and numerous other

+        effects."&mdash;<i>Local Paper</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p>Just the car for the <i>White Knight</i> when he takes to

+    motoring.</p>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page327"

+       id="page327"></a>[pg 327]</span>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/327.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/327.png"

+             alt="" /></a><i>Excited Officer</i> (<i>in

+             demobilisation special</i>). "I <i>KNEW</i> THE

+             COUNTRY WAS GRATEFUL! LOOK AT THAT OLD CHAP WAVING HIS

+             HOE AT US!"

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>BABLINGO.</h2>

+

+    <p>It has been suggested to me that the time has come for a

+    comprehensive investigation of the interesting language known

+    as Bablingo. Materials for this are ready for use in every home

+    that still possesses a nursery with an inmate not more than two

+    years of age. I must premise that it is the inmate's mother and

+    the inmate's nurse, not the actual inmate, who use the

+    language. Some day, no doubt, there will arise an investigator

+    who will reduce to order and catalogue the inchoate efforts of

+    an infant to make itself understood by talking. These efforts

+    are doubtless of high interest to the etymologist, but the

+    difficulties of the task are at present too great, and in any

+    case I am not the man to undertake it.</p>

+

+    <p>I shall content myself for the moment with setting an

+    examination paper in Bablingo for the purpose of testing

+    knowledge. It will differ from most other examinations in

+    having a further object&mdash;namely to supply instruction and

+    information to the examiner. Later on it may be possible to

+    construct a grammar, and to append to this a few easy

+    exercises. It must be remembered, however, that there are great

+    difficulties to be overcome in such a task. Every home, for

+    instance, has its own rules for pronunciation. Of these I do

+    not for my immediate purpose propose to take cognisance.</p>

+

+    <p>Here, then, is a short Bablingo examination paper for the

+    use of mothers and nurses. I do not at present see my way to

+    including fathers.</p>

+

+    <p>(1) On what principles is the language which you use in your

+    nursery formed? Did you (<i>a</i>) acquire it, or (<i>b</i>)

+    find yourself unconsciously in possession of it?</p>

+

+    <p>(2) Give a list of the characteristic features which

+    distinguish Bablingo from the dialects employed by Prehistoric

+    Man.</p>

+

+    <p>(3) What justification can you allege for the conversion of

+    the words <i>little thing</i> into the words <i>ickle sing</i>?

+    Are the spelling and pronunciation of these two words intended

+    to be a concession to the feeble understanding of an

+    infant?</p>

+

+    <p>(4) <i>Wasums and didums, then? Was it a ickle birdie,

+    then?</i> Expand the above into a four-line verse with rhymes,

+    and explain why the language as spoken and written is nearly

+    always in the past tense, and rarely in the present or

+    future.</p>

+

+    <p>(5)(<i>a</i>) <i>Did he woz-a-woz, then; a Mum's own

+    woz-man?</i> (<i>b</i>) <i>'Oose queenie-mouse was 'oo?</i>

+    Write a short story on one of the above texts.</p>

+

+    <p>(6) <i>Did she try to hit her ickle bruzzer on his

+    nosie-posie wiz a mug? She was a Tartar, and did she want to

+    break him up into bitsy-witsies?</i> Construct a scene from a

+    typical nursery drama on the above motive. What theories do you

+    base on the extract with regard to the girl's temper and the

+    boy's courage and endurance?</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h3>A Really Candid Candidate.</h3>

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"TO THE ELECTORS OF &mdash;&mdash; WARD.</p>

+

+        <p>"Ladies and Gentlemen,&mdash;I beg to thank you for

+        returning me as your member at the Election on Monday last.

+        Nothing shall be wanting on my part to betray the

+        confidence thus reposed in me."&mdash;<i>Provincial

+        Paper</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page328"

+       id="page328"></a>[pg 328]</span>

+

+    <h2>A YEAR'S REPRISALS.</h2>

+

+    <p>When I sent Aunt Emily&mdash;from whom I have

+    expectations&mdash;a pincushion at Christmas and she retaliated

+    with a pen-wiper on New Year's Day, I thought that was the end

+    of it.</p>

+

+    <p>Not so.</p>

+

+    <p>Aunt Emily reopened hostilities on my birthday with a purple

+    satin letter-case embroidered with a sprig of rosemary and the

+    word "Remembrance." That fresh offensive occurred on January

+    27th, which, I repeat, is my birthday. Readers please note.</p>

+

+    <p>When was Aunt Emily's birthday? Frenzied search in antique

+    birthday books revealed not the horrid secret. Probing my diary

+    for other suitable anniversaries, I came to February

+    1st&mdash;"Partridge and Pheasant Shooting ends."</p>

+

+    <p>I passed this as being inappropriate, and then&mdash;the

+    very thing&mdash;February 14th, St. Valentine's. Also Full

+    Moon.</p>

+

+    <p>To arrive on that day, I despatched, carefully packed, the

+    white marble clock from the spare-room. When well shaken it

+    will tick for an hour. Aunt Emily had never seen it, I

+    knew.</p>

+

+    <p>Then I sounded the All Clear.</p>

+

+    <p>But on Easter Eve a heavy packing-case was bumped onto my

+    doorstep. From wrappings of sacking there emerged a large model

+    of Eddystone lighthouse; a thermometer was embedded in its

+    chest, minus the mercury, I noted. And Aunt Emily wished me as

+    per enclosed card "A joyous Easter."</p>

+

+    <p>With groans and lamentations another anniversary must be

+    found by me. Ah! Here we have it! KING GEOKGE V. born June 3rd.

+    On the dark roof of my spare-room wardrobe loomed an Indian

+    vase&mdash;bright yellow with red blobs&mdash;very rare and

+    very hideous, with a bulge in its middle. Obviously unique,

+    because when the Indian made it his fellow-Indians slew him to

+    prevent repetitions of the offence. I packed it in the middle

+    of a crate and much straw, calculated to make an appalling mess

+    when released.</p>

+

+    <p>To dear Aunt Emily it went, with love, and a few topical

+    remarks about the Monarchy.</p>

+

+    <p>But Aunt Emily evidently had a diary too. On the 21st of

+    October&mdash;anniversary of Trafalgar&mdash;my heart sank as

+    the railway delivery van drew up at my door. The angry driver

+    toiled into my passage with a packing-case (bristling with

+    splinters and nails). When it was open and the chisel broken I

+    picked the splinters out of my fingers and contemplated the

+    battered horn of a gramophone emerging from sawdust and

+    shavings.</p>

+

+    <p>The mess created was indescribable when the horn was drawn

+    forth. Shavings flew everywhere. The sawdust was like a

+    butcher's shop. There were records too, some broken, all

+    scratched. When set going it made a noise like a cockatoo with

+    a cold. Decently covered with a cloth it was interned in the

+    loft.</p>

+

+    <p>Next please. One more effort and I should be one up and Aunt

+    Emily to play. And her turn would be Christmas. Once she sent

+    me five pounds at Christmas.</p>

+

+    <p>The diary again. A poor hatch of anniversaries for November.

+    A partial eclipse of the moon, partially visible at Greenwich,

+    was down for the 22nd. But eclipses are too ominous.</p>

+

+    <p>I fell back on KING EDWARD VII., born November 9th, 1841.

+    Twenty-three volumes of Goodworthy's <i>History of England</i>

+    should commemorate this. There had once been twenty-four, but

+    the puppy ate one.</p>

+

+    <p>Gratitude came by return of post, and I sat down in peace to

+    await Christmas and a cheque.</p>

+

+    <p>But on December 19th came another dreadful and splintery

+    packing-case. Desperately I gouged it open. Out of it, through

+    a cloud of shavings, emerged my own loathsome yellow-and-red

+    Indian vase! No word with it&mdash;not a word, not a note. Not

+    a funeral note.</p>

+

+    <p>Rage overtook me. I disinterred Aunt Emily's own gramophone

+    and records. I packed the horn anyhow. Such of the records as

+    seemed difficult to get in I broke into small pieces and shoved

+    in corners. I nailed the packing-case up with the same nails

+    and addressed it in the boldest and fiercest of characters to

+    Aunt Emily and caught the railway-van on the rebound. The deed

+    was done.</p>

+

+    <p>I laughed "Ha, ha!" I laughed "Ho, ho!" I would teach Aunt

+    Emily to return me my own vase.</p>

+

+    <p>Next morning came a letter. As I read it perspiration burst

+    out on my forehead. Language the most awful burst from my

+    lips.</p>

+

+    <p>And yet it was a simple letter&mdash;from my little cousin

+    Dolly.</p>

+

+    <p>"DEAR BOB," it said,&mdash;"I sent you a yellow-and-red vase

+    for Christmas. Your Aunt Emily gave it me as a wedding present.

+    It is not my style and must be yours, because I have seen one

+    like it in your house. Perhaps you collect them. Don't tell

+    your Aunt, but I really couldn't bear it. I forgot to put any

+    note in the box. Happy Christmas.</p>

+

+    <p>"Love, DOLLY."</p>

+

+    <p>And Aunt Emily would have opened my case by now.</p>

+

+    <p>On Christmas Day I received a letter from her which I opened

+    with cold and clammy fingers.</p>

+

+    <p>She thanked me for sending back the gramophone. She was

+    sorry I did not care for it. She was now sending it to a

+    hospital for shell-shocked officers. And she wished me a Blithe

+    Yuletide on a penny card. And she was very sincerely mine.</p>

+

+    <p>Anyone can have her for aught I care.</p>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:45%;">

+        <a href="images/328.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/328.png"

+             alt="" /></a><i>Unsuccessful House-huntress</i>.

+             "REALLY ONE SEES SO FEW OF THE SORT OF MEN WHO USED TO

+             <i>BUILD</i> HOUSES. WHY DOESN'T THE GOVERNMENT

+             RELEASE MORE CORDUROY TROUSERS AND ENTICE THE

+             LABOURERS BACK?"

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page329"

+       id="page329"></a>[pg 329]</span>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <h3>THE SUPER-HUMAN

+        DOG.</h3><a href="images/329-1.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/329-1.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+    </div>

+

+    <table summary="Super Dog"

+           align="center"

+           width="100%">

+        <tbody>

+            <tr>

+                <td width="33%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top">WHEN YOU CAME HOME ON LEAVE YOUR

+                    DOG, UNLIKE SOME HUMANS, NEVER EXPRESSED

+                    SURPRISE AT SEEING YOU <i>STILL IN

+                    ENGLAND</i>.</td>

+

+                <td width="33%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top">NEVER INDULGED IN DEMOBILISATION

+                    TALK.</td>

+

+                <td width="33%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top">OR HANDED OUT "CHESTNUTS."</td>

+            </tr>

+        </tbody>

+    </table>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/329-2.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/329-2.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+    </div>

+

+    <table summary="Super Dog 2"

+           align="center"

+           width="100%">

+        <tbody>

+            <tr>

+                <td width="33%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top">OR INTRODUCED YOU TO YOUR C.O.

+                    (ALSO ON PASS).</td>

+

+                <td width="33%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top">OR BORED YOU WITH HIS OWN DOMESTIC

+                    TROUBLES ("LEFT A BOOT-JACK IN MY

+                    DRINKING-TROUGH, SHE DID").</td>

+

+                <td width="33%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top">OR INTRUDED HIS PRESENCE AT

+                    INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS.</td>

+            </tr>

+        </tbody>

+    </table>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/329-3.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/329-3.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+    </div>

+

+    <table summary="Super Dog 3"

+           align="center"

+           width="100%">

+        <tbody>

+            <tr>

+                <td width="33%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top">BUT SIMPLY WELCOMED

+                    YOU&mdash;</td>

+

+                <td width="33%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top">&mdash;IN HIS OWN&mdash;</td>

+

+                <td width="33%"

+                    align="center"

+                    valign="top">&mdash;INIMITABLE MANNER.</td>

+            </tr>

+        </tbody>

+    </table>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page330"

+       id="page330"></a>[pg 330]</span>

+

+    <h2>A SOUTH SEA BUBBLE.</h2>

+

+    <p>"I want you," said my hostess, "to take in Mrs. Blank. She

+    is charming. All through the War she has been with her husband

+    in the South Seas. London is a new place to her."</p>

+

+    <p>Mrs. Blank did not look too promising. She was pretty in her

+    way&mdash;"elegant" an American would have called her&mdash;but

+    she lacked animation. However, the South Seas...! Anyone fresh

+    from the Pacific must have enough to tell to see soup, fish and

+    <i>entr&eacute;e</i> safely through.</p>

+

+    <p>I began by remarking that she must find London a very

+    complete change after the sun and placidity that she had come

+    from.</p>

+

+    <p>"It's certainly noisier," she said; "but we had our share of

+    rain."</p>

+

+    <p>"I thought it was always fine there," I remarked; but she

+    laughed a denial and relapsed into silence.</p>

+

+    <p>She was one of those women who don't take soup, and this

+    made the economy of her utterances the more unfair.</p>

+

+    <p>Racking my brain for a new start I fell back on those useful

+    fellows, the authors. Presuming that anyone who had lived in

+    that fascinating region&mdash;the promised land (if land is the

+    word) of so many of us who are weary of English climatic

+    treacheries&mdash;would be familiar with the literature of it.

+    I went boldly to work.</p>

+

+    <p>"The first book about the South Seas that I ever read," I

+    said, "was BALLANTYNE'S <i>Coral Island</i>."</p>

+

+    <p>"Indeed!" she replied.</p>

+

+    <p>I asked her if she too had not been brought up on

+    BALLANTYNE, and she said no. She did not even know his

+    name.</p>

+

+    <p>"He wrote for boys," I explained rather lamely.</p>

+

+    <p>"I read poetry chiefly as a girl," she said.</p>

+

+    <p>"But surely you know STEVENSON'S <i>Island Nights'

+    Entertainment</i>?" I said.</p>

+

+    <p>No, she did not. Was it nice?</p>

+

+    <p>"It's extraordinary," I said. "It gives you more of the

+    atmosphere of the South Seas than any other work. And Louis

+    BECKE&mdash;you must have read him?" I continued.</p>

+

+    <p>No, she had not. She read very little. The last book she had

+    read was on spiritualism.</p>

+

+    <p>"Not even CONRAD?" I pursued. "No one has so described the

+    calms and storms of the Pacific."</p>

+

+    <p>No, she remembered no story called <i>Conrad</i>.</p>

+

+    <p>I was about to explain that CONRAD was the writer, not the

+    written; but it seemed a waste of words, and we fell into a

+    stillness broken only by the sound of knife and fork.</p>

+

+    <p>"Hang it! you shall talk," I said to myself; and then aloud,

+    "Tell me all about copra. I have longed to know what copra is;

+    how it grows, what it looks like, what it is for."</p>

+

+    <p>"You have come to the wrong person," she replied, with wide

+    eyes. "I never heard of it. Or did you say 'cobra'? Of course I

+    know what a cobra is&mdash;it's a snake. I've seen them at the

+    Zoo."</p>

+

+    <p>I put her right. "Copra, the stuff that the traders in the

+    South Seas deal in."</p>

+

+    <p>"I never heard of it," she said. "But then why should I? I

+    know nothing about the South Seas."</p>

+

+    <p>My stock fell thirty points and I crumbled bread nervously,

+    hoping for something sensible to say; but at this moment

+    "half-time" mercifully set in. My partner on the other side

+    turned to me suavely and asked if I thought the verses in

+    <i>Abraham Lincoln</i> were a beauty or a blemish; and with the

+    assistance of the London stage, the flight to America, Mrs.

+    FULTON'S <i>Blight</i>, Mr. WALPOLE'S <i>Secret City</i> and

+    the prospects of the new Academy, I sailed serenely into port.

+    She was as easy and agreeable a woman as that other was

+    difficult, and before she left for the drawing-room she had

+    invited me to lunch and I had accepted.</p>

+

+    <p>As I said Good-night to my hostess I asked why she had told

+    me that my first partner had been in the South Seas. She said

+    that she had said nothing of the sort; what she had said was

+    that during the War she had been stationed with her husband,

+    Colonel Blank, at Southsea.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>THE MESSAGE OF HULL.</h2>

+

+    <p>The Hull Election has been keenly discussed in various

+    papers, but by none with more enthusiasm than <i>The Daily

+    News</i>. In a special article from the luminous pen of

+    "A.G.G.," in the issue of April 12th, the true inwardness of

+    the portent is thus revealed:&mdash;</p>

+

+    <p>"The message of Hull is a message for all the world. It is

+    the announcement that this country, whatever its Government may

+    do, will not have a French peace. It is a declaration to

+    America that the English people are with her in her

+    determination to have a League of Nations' settlement and no

+    other. It is the repudiation of Conscription, of war on Russia,

+    of the permanent military occupation of Germany, of imperialism

+    and grab, of war policy in Ireland, of repression in Egypt, of

+    the reckless profligacy and corruption that are plunging Europe

+    into Bolshevism and hurrying this country to irretrievable

+    ruin."</p>

+

+    <p>We confess that we are staggered by the moderation, not to

+    say modesty, of "A.G.G." as an interpreter of the meaning of

+    the Hull Election. He has omitted infinitely more than he has

+    inscribed in his list.</p>

+

+    <p>The return of Commander KENWORTHY stands, of course, for all

+    these things, but for many others of at least equal

+    importance.</p>

+

+    <p>It means the disappearance of influenza, the ravages of

+    which are clearly traceable to the political virus disseminated

+    by the Coalition.</p>

+

+    <p>It means the rehabilitation of Mr. BIRRELL and his return to

+    public life as English Ambassador to the Court of King Valeroso

+    I.</p>

+

+    <p>It foreshadows the wholesale gratuitous distribution of

+    cigarettes, marmalade and gramophones.</p>

+

+    <p>It means the prohibition of the use of the French horn in

+    orchestras and all places where they play, the reinstatement of

+    the German flute and the restoration of the German Fleet.</p>

+

+    <p>Lastly, it means the compulsory prohibition of all Greek

+    except "Alpha of the Plough."</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>TO A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD</h2>

+

+    <h4>(<i>With his first Cricket Set</i>).</h4>

+

+    <div class="poem">

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Here's a gift to take and treasure,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">England's gift as well as mine,</p>

+

+            <p>Symbol of her clean-spent leisure,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Of her youth and strength a sign;</p>

+

+            <p>Gleams of sunlight on old meadows</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">O'er these varnished toys are cast,</p>

+

+            <p>And within that box's shadows</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Stir the triumphs of the Past.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Still the ancient tale entrances,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Giving us in golden dower</p>

+

+            <p>ULYETT'S drives and IVO's glances,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">JACKSON'S dash and THORNTON'S power;</p>

+

+            <p>Skill of LYTTELTONS and LACEYS,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Grit of SHREWSBURYS and GUNNS;</p>

+

+            <p>Pride of STUDDS and STEELS and GRACES</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Piling up their English runs.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>Take these simple toys as token</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Of the champions that have been,</p>

+

+            <p>Stalwart in defence unbroken,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Hefty hitters, hitting clean;</p>

+

+            <p>And, when capped in Life's eleven,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">May you stand as firm as they;</p>

+

+            <p>May you, little son of seven,</p>

+

+            <p class="i2">Play the game the English way.</p>

+        </div>

+

+        <div class="stanza">

+            <p>W.H.O.</p>

+        </div>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <blockquote>

+        <p>"It seems to be a ruling passion amongst certain writers

+        to portray anybody connected with commerce as being an

+        ungrammatical ignoramus. Even Kipling panders to this

+        notion in his conception of a drapery assistant in the

+        person of 'Kipps.'"&mdash;<i>Draper's Organiser</i>.</p>

+    </blockquote>

+

+    <p>But did not Mr. WELLS do something to redress the balance in

+    <i>Kim</i>?</p>

+    <hr />

+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page331"

+       id="page331"></a>[pg 331]</span>

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:100%;">

+        <a href="images/331.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/331.png"

+             alt="" /></a>

+

+        <p>"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, NO. 4?"</p>

+

+        <p>"IT'S NO GOOD, INSTRUCTOR; I AIN'T GOT NO HEAD FOR

+        HEIGHTS."</p>

+    </div>

+    <hr />

+

+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>

+

+    <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>

+

+    <p>The latest of the now so fashionable short-story volumes to

+    come my way is one called <i>Our Casualty, Etc.</i>

+    (SKEFFINGTON). Much virtue in that "<i>Etc.</i>," which covers

+    other fifteen little tales in the best, or nearly the best,

+    "Birmingham" manner. I say "nearly," because for its happiest

+    expression the art of "Mr. GEORGE BIRMINGHAM" demands space to

+    tangle events into more complicated confusion than can be

+    contrived in the dozen pages of these episodes. But within

+    their limitations they are all excellent fun, partly concerned

+    with the War (usually with an Irishman involved), partly

+    recalled from the piping and whisky-drinking times of peace, at

+    Inishmore and elsewhere. One can only treat them after the

+    manner of the schoolboy who declined to distinguish between the

+    Major and Minor Prophets. But I rather specially enjoyed the

+    title-piece, which tells how the super-patriotism of an aged

+    volunteer defeated the kindly plans of those who would have

+    saved him fatigue by assigning to him the r&ocirc;le of

+    casualty in a trench-relief practice. Casualties also figure in

+    "Getting Even," an improbable but highly entertaining fiction

+    of the score practised by an ingenious Medical Officer (Irish,

+    I need hardly say) upon an over-zealous C.O., who, to keep him

+    busy during a field day, flooded his "clearing station" with

+    all sorts of complicated imaginary cases, only to find the

+    fictitious victims arranged comfortably in rows under the shade

+    of the trees to await the Padre and a burying party, the M.O.

+    reporting that they had all died before reaching him. It

+    couldn't possibly happen as here told, but that matters little,

+    since, so far as I am concerned, a "Birmingham" tale can always

+    well afford to dispense with credibility.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>I am distinctly grateful to ROSE MACAULAY for <i>What

+    Not</i> (CONSTABLE). It brought me the pleasantest end to

+    anything but a perfect English Spring day. She has wit, not so

+    common a gift that you can afford just to take it for granted;

+    she knows when to stop, selecting not exhausting; and she makes

+    her epigrams by the way, as it were, without exposing the

+    process of manufacture. (Other epigrammatists please copy.)

+    Miss MACAULAY'S "prophetic comedy" is a joyous rag of

+    Government office routine, flappery, Pelmania, Tribunals, State

+    advertising, the Lower Journalism and "What Not." That

+    audacious eugenist, <i>Nicky Chester</i>, first Minister of

+    Brains in the post-war period of official attempts to raise the

+    nation from C3 to something nearer A1 on the intellectual

+    plane, happens, because of his family history, to be

+    uncertified for marriage. He also happens to fall very

+    desperately in love with his secretary, <i>Kitty Grammont</i>,

+    and the conflict between duty and desire becomes the

+    theme&mdash;perhaps just a little too heavy&mdash;of an

+    extravaganza that is happiest in its lighter and more

+    irreverent moments. Which is to say that <i>What Not</i>

+    wanders out of the key. But what on earth does that matter if

+    one is made to laugh quite often and to smile almost

+    continuously at a very shrewd piece of observation,

+    whimsicality and tempered malice? And you will like the serene

+    <i>Pansy Ponsonby</i> (out of "Hullo, Peace!"), who could

+    scarcely be called <i>Kitty's</i> "sister-in-law," but was of

+    the most faithful. The odd thing is that under all her gibing

+    the author seems to have a queer furtive admiration for her

+    precious Ministry of Brains.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>Among the many things I like in DORETHEA CONYERS' novels is

+    the artistic subtlety, achieved by few of our other novelists,

+    with which she manages to write them as it were in character. I

+    am quite sure that if <i>Berenice Ermyntrude Nicosia Nevin</i>,

+    who is called by her initials on the cover and inside by what

+    they spell, had tried to write a novel it would have been

+    remarkably like <i>B.E.N.</i> (METHUEN). There would have been

+    the same keen delight in horses, hunting and Irish scenery, and

+    the same cheerful disregard for such trifles as spelling or

+    such conventions as making quite sure that your reader knows

+    which character <span class="pagenum"><a name="page332"

+       id="page332"></a>[pg 332]</span> is speaking at any given

+       moment, and the same excellent humour, which, if it is at

+       the expense of the Irish, is kindly enough for all that. It

+       seems to me that in her new novel Mrs. CONYERS, wisely

+       refusing to stray to that suburbia in which her gifts lack

+       this charm, has recaptured much of the careless rapture of

+       her earliest books; and very careless and very rapturous

+       they wore. But I am not quite sure that in real life even

+       <i>Ben</i>, when as second whip to the East Cara hounds she

+       lost her horse, would have found an aeroplane useful to

+       catch up with. In case it should be objected that anything

+       so funny as the tea at <i>Miss Talty's</i> never could

+       happen, even in the Caher Valley district, I want to put it

+       on record here and now that it could and does.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p><i>The Mystery Keepers</i> (LANE), by MARION FOX, reminds me

+    of the old riddle, "What is it that has feathers and two legs,

+    and barks like a dog?"&mdash;the answer being a stork. People

+    who protest that a stork doesn't bark like a dog are told that

+    that part is put in to make it harder. I find that the greater

+    part of the mystery kept by <i>The Mystery Keepers</i> is put

+    in to make it harder. The Abbey at Clynch St. Mary has a

+    "coise" put on it by the last Abbess, and every direct male

+    heir expires punctually on his twenty-first birthday. The

+    actual agency is a poisoned ring concealed in the frame of a

+    portrait of the malevolent Abbess and is in the custody of the

+    <i>Otway</i> family, who enjoy a prescriptive if nebulous right

+    to be stewards of the property. Just how or why the

+    <i>Otways</i>&mdash;noble fellows, we are given to

+    understand&mdash;carry out the deceased Abbess's nefarious

+    wishes with such precision and despatch is not explained.

+    Anyway the mother of the last victim, who has found out the

+    secret, steals the ring, murders the <i>Otway</i> of the

+    period, and retires to a lunatic asylum after her son has

+    himself stolen the ring from her workbox and poisoned himself

+    into the next world. That finishes it. The ring retires to a

+    museum and the proper people marry each other. It is a slender

+    and quite impossible story, but told in a clever way which goes

+    far to redeem its lack of substance.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p><i>The Graftons</i> (COLLINS) is a sequel to Mr. ARCHIBALD

+    MARSHALL'S former chronicle of the same pleasant family. Herein

+    you shall find them, pursuing the even tenor of their

+    prosperous way, father, son and charming daughters, and

+    arriving placidly at the point where, in the natural sequence

+    of events, these daughters leave the paternal nest for others

+    provided by eligible mates. Their courtships, and some mild

+    uncertainty as to whether papa <i>Grafton</i>, well-preserved

+    and wealthy widower, will or will not follow the example of his

+    female offspring, provide the entire matter of the book. For

+    the rest Mr. MARSHALL is content to mark time (and very

+    pleasantly) with pictures of English country life at its most

+    comfortable, and in particular with some comedy scenes,

+    excellently done, turning upon the often delicate relationship

+    of Hall and Parsonage. There are a couple of clerical portraits

+    in the book that seem to me as lifelike as anything of the kind

+    since <i>Barchester</i>. Apart from this the outstanding virtue

+    of the <i>Graftons</i> is the reality of their dialogue.

+    Precisely thus do, or did, actual people speak in the quiet old

+    times before the War; precisely thus also did nothing whatever

+    of any consequence happen to the vast majority of them. Since,

+    however, the truth and charm of the tale depend upon this

+    absence of the sensational, I must the more regret that Messrs.

+    COLLINS, who have printed it exquisitely, should have been

+    betrayed into a coloured wrapper of almost grotesque

+    ineptitude.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>In <i>Graduation</i> (CHATTO AND WINDUS) there is an

+    essential femininity about Miss IRENE RUTHERFORD McLEOD'S style

+    and general attitude that imposes limitations; it is a quality

+    that shows itself not only in her plot, but in her characters,

+    the three reputed males who figure therein being as fine

+    examples of true womanliness as you need wish to meet.

+    <i>Frieda</i> was the heroine (a name somehow significant); and

+    of the trouser-wearers, the first, <i>Geoffrey</i>, was a

+    cat-like deceiver, who fascinated poor <i>Frieda</i> for ends

+    unspecified, pretended (the minx!) to be keen on the Suffrage

+    movement, which he wasn't, and concealed a wife; the second was

+    a Being too perfect to endure beyond Chapter 10, where he

+    expires eloquently of heart-failure, leaving <i>Alan</i>, the

+    third, to bear the white man's burden and clasp <i>Frieda</i>

+    to his maidenly heart. This sentimental progress is, I suppose,

+    what is implied by the title and the symbolic staircase (if it

+    <i>is</i> a staircase?) on the wrapper. But my trouble was that

+    I could never discern in the sweet girl-graduate any

+    development of character from the pretentious futility of her

+    earliest appearance. Perhaps I am prejudiced. Undeniably Miss

+    McLEOD can draw a certain type of prig with a horrible

+    facility. But the antiquated modernity of her scheme, flooded

+    as it is with the New Dawn of, say, a decade ago, and its bland

+    disregard of everything that has happened since, ended by

+    violently irritating me. Others may have better luck.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>Spring has been slow in coming, but I got something more

+    than a whiff of actual summer when <i>Under Blue Skies</i>

+    (HUTCHINSON) came my way. Mr. DE VERD STACPOOLE is at the top

+    of his form, and it is a real pleasure to recommend an author

+    who brings to his tales of adventure so nice a sense of style

+    and so keen a feeling for character. In "The Frigate Bird" the

+    rapscallions who seize a schooner and, without any knowledge of

+    navigation, sail the high seas, are full-blooded adventurers;

+    but there is all the difference in the world between the

+    character of the educated <i>Carlyon</i> and that of the

+    simple-minded and ignorant <i>Finn</i>. This yarn occupies

+    nearly half of the book, and the other stories should give food

+    for thought to those who allege that no Englishman can write a

+    short story. Apart from one charming little tale of a haunted

+    French <i>ch&acirc;teau</i> Mr. STACPOOLE allows us to bask

+    here in the eternal summer of Pacific skies. I am very grateful

+    for my sun-bath.</p>

+    <hr class="short" />

+

+    <p>In <i>Poems of the Great War</i>, by Mrs. ROBERTSON-GLASGOW,

+    readers of <i>Punch</i> will recognise some of the best serious

+    poems that have appeared in these pages of recent years. The

+    little half-crown volume in which they reappear has been

+    admirably printed at S. Aldhelm's Home for Boys, Frome, and may

+    be bought at SMITH'S in Kensington High Street.</p>

+    <hr />

+

+    <div class="figcenter"

+         style="width:55%;">

+        <a href="images/332.png"><img width="100%"

+             src="images/332.png"

+             alt="" /></a><i>Voice of Tommy in audience</i>. "NAH

+             THEN, MATE, WHY DON'T YER DIG YERSELF IN?"

+    </div>

+<br />

+<br />

+<hr class="full" />

+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, APRIL 23, 1919
***</p>

+<p>******* This file should be named 11872-h.txt or 11872-h.zip *******</p>

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+</pre>

+</body>

+</html>

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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+April 23, 1919
, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 23, 1919

+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 2, 2004  [eBook #11872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 156, APRIL 23, 1919
***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11872-h.htm or 11872-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/7/11872/11872-h/11872-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/7/11872/11872-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 156
+
+APRIL 23, 1919
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Hull electors," declared a Radical contemporary, "have dealt the
+Coalition a stinging rebuke." But not, as others claim, the _coupon de
+grace_.
+
+       ***
+
+_A propos_, a Woking butcher was fined last week for being thirty-two
+thousand coupons short. The report that he has since received a letter
+of condolence from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is not confirmed.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent who has a latchkey would like to hear from a gentleman
+who could fit a house to it.
+
+       ***
+
+A food inspector at Chatham admitted that he could not tell the
+difference between No. 1 grade tinned beef and No. 2 grade. The old
+plan of calling one grade Rover and the other Fido seems to have been
+abolished since the War.
+
+       ***
+
+The EX-CROWN PRINCE, in a recent interview with a Danish newspaper
+man, called LUDENDORFF a liar. LUDENDORFF is believed to be preparing
+a crushing rejoinder, in which he calls the EX-CROWN PRINCE a
+Hohenzollern.
+
+       ***
+
+"The new Bolsheviks," says _The Philatelist_, "are fetching eight
+shillings a pair." It doesn't say where they are fetching it from, but
+it is clear that he loot business has declined since the days of the
+old Bolsheviks.
+
+       ***
+
+The United States Government has purchased four million pounds of
+frozen chickens for the American army. They are to be tested by
+inspectors before shipment to determine whether they are edible. What
+is known in scientific circles as the Soho standard of resilience will
+probably be applied.
+
+       ***
+
+Burglars have broken into an East End moneylender's office. It is not
+known definitely how much they lost.
+
+       ***
+
+The five hundred pounds in notes recently lost by a London hotel guest
+have now been recovered. It appears that a waiter had mistaken them
+for a gratuity.
+
+       ***
+
+The Metropolitan police are trying to establish the identity of a man
+who can give no account of himself and who knows nothing about the
+War. The fact that he was not wearing red tabs only adds to the
+mystery.
+
+       ***
+
+"Some men dance the Jazz dance," says a contemporary, "because it is
+stimulating." It is not known why the others do it.
+
+       ***
+
+A squirrel having been stolen from the Zoo, it is said that the
+authorities are taking no further risks, and that in future all lions
+and tigers will be securely chained to their cages.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported that a much-advertised motor-car, after having its
+engine removed, ran for seven miles on its reputation alone.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the report that a service man had received a letter
+from the Intelligence Department admitting that a certain mistake was
+due to a clerical error, it is now reported that this admission was
+due to another oversight.
+
+       ***
+
+A terrible tragedy was only just averted last week, when a husband,
+who had travelled from the City by tube, and his wife, who had been
+to the Spring bargain sales, failed to recognise each other on their
+return home.
+
+       ***
+
+The War Office, the Board of Trade and the Zoo have formed a Triple
+Alliance for a campaign against rats. As a result of this it is said
+that quite a number of the more timid rodents are afraid to go out
+alone after dark.
+
+       ***
+
+The Society of Public Analysts has been asked by the Food Ministry to
+define a sausage. A number of pedigree sausages are to be submitted
+for classification.
+
+       ***
+
+The Minister of Foreign Affairs in the late Bavarian Soviet Government
+has been placed in a lunatic asylum. The reason for this invidious
+distinction is not assigned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. CHURCHILL ON THE HULL ELECTION:
+
+    "Nothing in these reactions should be taken by the Government
+    as in any way deflecting them from their clear and definite
+    course of reviving the posterity of this country."--_Daily
+    Telegraph_.
+
+All very well, but they must get it born first.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old-fashioned humorous Cow_ (_suddenly_). "Moo!"
+
+_Lady_ (_who all last year was a land-worker_). "Pooh!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MUTABILE SEMPER."
+
+    To such as have a humorous bent
+      Pleasant indeed it was to cull
+    From rival organs what was meant
+      By the enlightened vote of Hull;
+  What process of the mind (if any) drove her
+  To execute that ludicrous turn-over.
+
+    Some held the Peace was too severe,
+      And others not severe enough;
+    The latter cried, "The cause is clear--
+      LLOYD GEORGE is made of flabby stuff;"
+  The former took the line that he had blundered
+  In letting Fritz (their friend) be grossly "plundered."
+
+    Then came a still small voice which said,
+      "The thing that sent the coupon West
+    Was Woman; something in her head
+      Told her that second thoughts were best;
+  To Party laws she hasn't learnt to knuckle
+  (This was the view advanced by Mr. BUCKLE).
+
+    "Men know a 'pledge's' worth by now;
+      They take it with a touch of salt;
+    To Woman 'tis a sacred vow,
+      And for the least alleged default
+  She gives her Chosen One no minute's grace,
+  But treats it like a breach-of-promise case."
+
+    O "Ministering Angels," ye
+      Who yet are mobile as the breeze,
+    Have you alone the right to be
+      "Uncertain, coy and hard to please?"
+  Our Ministerial Angels (GEORGE and kind)--
+  Aren't they allowed, poor males, to change their mind?
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPOIL-SPORT.
+
+Mr. Phillybag was demobilised. The Day had come. For months he had
+dreamed of the possibility--had imagined the joy and alacrity with
+which he would doff his cap, tunic and trousers, service dress, one
+each, and resume the decent broadcloth of a successful City solicitor.
+Strangely enough, however, once he was actually demobilised he
+found himself in no hurry to lose the garb which showed that he, Mr.
+Phillybag, had helped, you know, to put the kybosh on the KAISER. He
+was proud too of the corporal's stripes which he had gained in a very
+short Army career.
+
+That explains why he was in uniform this morning in his office, when
+he opened a letter from Ernest Williams, his former junior clerk. He
+remembered Williams well--how in the early days of the War that youth
+had seen Lord KITCHENER point his finger from the hoardings at him,
+and there and then, discovering that the Ordnance Department possessed
+a cap, size 6-7/8, which fitted him, had followed instructions and
+immediately commenced to wear it. Now he had written to Mr. Phillybag
+to inform him that, as he expected to be demobilised shortly, he was
+calling at eleven o'clock to discuss the question of re-entering his
+employ.
+
+Mr. Phillybag rubbed his hands together in satisfaction. He was
+looking forward to the interview. Since Armistice Day he had read
+every article he could find written on the subject of demobilisation
+and its humours; consequently he knew exactly what he was expected
+to do. When Williams entered, in all the glory of a Captain's stars,
+perhaps even a Major's crown, the ribbon of the D.S.O. or the M.C., or
+both, on his breast, he, Corporal Phillybag, would spring smartly to
+attention, salute and address his junior clerk as "Sir."
+
+He chuckled with delight as he visualised the piquant scene. Reseating
+himself, he would briskly resume his interrupted work for a moment
+while be kept his superior officer waiting. Then--
+
+"Mr. Williams to see you, Sir," said one of his clerks.
+
+"Show him in at once."
+
+On his appearance Mr. Phillybag suffered a slight recoil, but
+recovered himself quickly and exchanged embarrassed greetings. An
+awkward pause followed. At length Mr. Phillybag broke it.
+
+"Williams," he said severely, "I'm surprised at you. Who ever heard
+of an employee returning to civil life from the Army with a lower
+rank than the one his employer holds? Four years in khaki and only a
+lance-corporal! You've spoiled my whole morning. It's men with
+careers like yours who make the profession of humorous journalism so
+precarious."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOUVENIR OF COLOGNE.
+
+"Am I really awake, or is it all a beautiful dream?" I said, pinching
+myself to make sure.
+
+At the other end of the room an unmistakably German band was playing
+"Roses of Picardy," while all around me German waiters were running
+about deferentially, with trays in their hands. Even as I wondered one
+of them approached and laid the bill on my table with a friendly smile
+and "Tree mark, bleesir."
+
+Then I remembered that I was at the British Officers' Club in Cologne.
+
+"How interested they will be at home," I thought, "when they know
+where I am. And of course I must send them souvenirs of my Watch on
+the Rhine;" and thoughtfully I produced from my pocket some local
+tram-tickets, kept for the younger members of the family, and patted
+a box of two-penny cigars encouragingly. These I was going to send to
+my brother.
+
+Then I rose and, paying the bill, went out to purchase a suitable
+memento for a younger sister. Slowly I wandered along the crowded
+Hohestrasse in the direction of the Opera House, peering into the
+shop-windows for something redolent of the land I was in. Presently
+a bright-looking sweetshop attracted me. The window contained a
+beautiful selection of chocolate-boxes, with pictures of the Cathedral
+or the Rhine Maidens on the lids. In I went and selected a handsome
+sample, bound with red plush and bordered with sea-shells. But it was
+empty. "Nix sweets," said the girl behind the counter, and offered me
+the alternative of a bun. Nothing doing, and I passed on.
+
+Further along the street I stopped before a chemist's shop to regard
+a huge pyramid of bottles of eau-de-Cologne displayed in the window.
+
+"The very thing," I said to myself. "What more appropriate souvenir
+than a bottle of the local produce?"
+
+That was ten days ago, and this morning I received the following
+letter:--.
+
+"Thank you _so_ much for the scent; it was sweet of you, and
+arrived safely, only I don't think it _quite_ so nice as the _real_
+eau-de-Cologne which I buy at Brown's shop [Brown is the village
+grocer] for three-and-nine a bottle. And he says they must have taken
+you in properly with a German imitation called eau-de-_Koeln_, and
+expects you had to pay a pretty penny for it, though I hope you
+didn't, poor boy."
+
+Reader, I ask you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "INFLUENZA EPIDEMIC--PUBLIC MEETING.
+
+    "In order to comply with the regulations of the Board of
+    Health, each person attending the meeting must occupy 25
+    sq. feet space."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+"Let me have men about me that are fat."--_Julius Caesar_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHEERFUL PACHYDERM.
+
+ELEPHANT (_faintly intrigued_). "WHO'S THAT TICKLING ME?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PEACE PREPARATIONS.
+
+_Music-hall Artist_ (_to partner_). "I RECKON WE OUGHT TO INTRODUCE
+SOME NEW FEATURE INTO THE TURN, WITH PEACE COMIN'."
+
+_Partner_. "AH, I'VE BEEN THINKING OF IT TOO. WHAT ABAHT PINK FACINGS
+FOR OUR EVENING DRESS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BLUE HAT.
+
+Nancy came softly into my study and stood at the side of the desk,
+where I was busy with some work on account of which I had stayed away
+from the office that morning.
+
+"Do you like it?" she said.
+
+I felt a momentary anxiety as I looked up. I had made a bad mistake
+only a little time before, having waxed enthusiastic over what I took
+to be a new blouse when it was a question of hair-dressing, the blouse
+having been worn by my wife, so she solemnly averred, "every evening
+for the last two months."
+
+But this time no mistake was possible. You don't go about the house at
+eleven o'clock on a cold Spring morning fancifully arrayed in a pale
+blue hat with white feathery things sticking out all round it, unless
+there is a particular reason for so doing.
+
+"I think it's a delightful hat," I said, "and suits you splendidly.
+But I thought you never wore blue?"
+
+"I don't," said Nancy; "that's what makes me rather doubtful. I didn't
+really mean to buy it at all. I went in to Marguerite's--you know,
+that heavenly shop at the corner of the square"--I nodded; of course
+I knew Marguerite's--"to ask the price of a jade-green jumper they
+had in the window--oh, my dear, a perfect angel of a jumper!--and they
+showed me this. That red-haired assistant almost _made_ me buy it;
+said she had never seen me in a hat that suited me so well; and really
+it wasn't so very dear. But I _was_ a little doubtful. However--"
+
+"She was quite right," I said very decidedly. "Did you get the
+what-you-may-call-it--the other thing?"
+
+Nancy's face expressed poignant anguish.
+
+"Twelve guineas," she said. "I simply couldn't run to it. Of course I
+was heart-broken. Still, it wasn't as if I really needed anything just
+now. It would have been ridiculous extravagance. But it really was an
+angel."
+
+She turned to go, stopping a moment on the way out to have another
+look at herself in the little round mirror over the mantel-piece.
+
+"I'm not quite happy about it," I heard her murmur as she went out.
+
+The next morning I found a letter waiting for me at the office which
+brought me news of a totally unexpected windfall of some fifty odd
+pounds. It was a sunny morning, too, with a distinct feeling of Spring
+in the air.
+
+I felt like being extravagant, and my mind flew at once to Nancy and
+her jade-green--what was the name of the thing?--that she had wanted
+so badly.
+
+I left the office early, and on my way home managed to summon up
+sufficient courage to carry me through the discreetly curtained doors
+of Madame Marguerite's _recherche_ establishment, devoutly hoping that
+the nervous sinking which I felt about my heart was not reflected in
+my outer demeanour.
+
+The red-haired girl, in spite of a curiously detached and supercilious
+air, as who should say, "Take it or leave it; it concerns me not in
+the least," which at first rather alarmed me, was really quite kind
+and helpful.
+
+"Something in jade-green that Moddom admired? A hat perhaps?"
+
+No, I knew it was not a hat. I murmured something about twelve
+guineas. This seemed to be enlightening.
+
+Ah, yes, a jumper probably. They had had a jade-green jumper at that
+price, she believed. If I would sit down for a moment she would send
+someone to see if it were still unsold.
+
+I felt very anxious while I waited, but the emissary presently
+returned with the garment over her arm.
+
+Yes, that was undoubtedly the one. She remembered how much Moddom had
+admired it. It had suited Moddom so well too.
+
+While it was being packed up, for I decided to take it with me, a
+small boy arrived with several hat-boxes, which he put down on the
+floor.
+
+Red-hair proceeded to unpack them, carefully, almost reverently,
+extracting the hats from the folds of surrounding tissue-paper and
+placing them one by one in various cupboards and drawers. Presently
+she drew forth from one of the boxes--I felt sure I was not
+mistaken--that very blue hat which I had admired only the day before
+upon the head of my wife.
+
+I gave an involuntary exclamation. Red-hair looked at me.
+
+"Surely," I said, feeling inwardly rather proud at recognising it
+again--"surely that hat is exactly like one that my wife bought
+yesterday."
+
+Red-hair was hurt. "It is the same hat," she said coldly. "We never
+make two models alike."
+
+I tried to mollify her. "I can't understand her sending it back," I
+said. "I think it's an extremely pretty hat, and it suits her so well.
+But perhaps there was some alteration necessary. It may not have quite
+fitted or something?"
+
+Red-head dived gracefully into the box and drew forth a note from the
+tissue-paper billows.
+
+A faint flicker expressive of I knew not what hidden emotion seemed to
+pass for one moment over her aristocratic features as she read it. But
+it vanished instantaneously, and she turned to me with her previous
+air of haughty and imperturbable aloofness.
+
+"Moddom is not keeping the hat," she said.
+
+I felt somehow a little snubbed, and said no more, and, my parcel
+appearing at this moment, I paid and departed.
+
+Nancy's joy over the jumper more than came up to my expectations. When
+she had calmed down a little I bethought myself of the matter of the
+hat.
+
+"Oh, yes," said Nancy in reply to my question, "I sent it back after
+all. It won't matter in the least now that you have bought this."
+
+"But why didn't you keep it?" I said.
+
+"Well, I really felt I didn't like it so very much," said Nancy, "and,
+as you didn't seem quite to like it either--"
+
+"My dear girl," I protested, "I told you I thought it was charming."
+
+"Well, anyway you said that blue didn't suit me," persisted my wife.
+"You _did_, George."
+
+There was a moment's pause. It was no use saying anything. Suddenly
+Nancy jumped up and clutched me by the arm.
+
+"George," she said anxiously, "you didn't, you didn't say anything
+about that hat to the girl in the shop, did you?"
+
+"I believe I mentioned that I thought it was extremely pretty, and
+that I was sorry you weren't keeping it," I replied airily. "But why?"
+For my wife's face had suddenly assumed an expression of horrified
+dismay.
+
+"I shall never be able to go into that shop again," she wailed,
+"never. I wrote them a note saying that I was not keeping the hat
+because _my husband very much disliked it_, and that I didn't care
+ever to wear anything of which he didn't approve."
+
+What is really very unfair about the whole thing is that I know
+that Nancy thinks me entirely to blame. Indeed she told me so. When
+I ventured to point out that she had not been quite truthful in
+the matter she was at first genuinely and honestly amazed, and
+subsequently so indignant that I was fain ultimately to apologise.
+
+In looking back upon the episode I am filled with admiration for
+the red-haired girl. I consider that she showed extraordinary
+self-restraint in what must have been a peculiarly tempting situation.
+
+R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing
+steamer's red and green lights_). "'ERE'S SOME LIGHTS ON THE STARBOARD
+SIDE, SIR."
+
+_Officer_. "WELL, WHAT IS IT?"
+
+_R.H_. "LOOKS TO ME LIKE A CHEMIST'S SHOP, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMALL-TALK.
+
+"Of course you must come," said Mary; "it's nonsense to say you can't
+dance."
+
+Mary is married to my first cousin, Thomas. I looked at Thomas, but
+saw no hope of support. Thomas labours under the delusion that he can
+jazz.
+
+"It isn't only the dancing," I protested; "it's the conversational
+strain. Besides, as one of the original founders of the League to
+Minimise Gossip amongst General Staff Officers--"
+
+"Rot!" said Thomas; "you simply let your partners do the talking.
+You needn't even listen. Just say 'Quite' in your most official tone
+whenever you hear them saying nothing."
+
+Thomas, although my first cousin, is not bright; but I had to go.
+
+For the first few dances I escaped; the crowd round the door was
+so dense that I saw at once that I should be trampled to death if
+I attempted to enter. Then I was caught by Mary and introduced to
+a total stranger.
+
+I suppose there are people who do not mind kicking a total stranger
+round the room to the strain of cymbals, a motor siren and a
+frying-pan. I fancy the lady expressed a desire to stop, but as her
+words were lost in the orchestral pandemonium I realised that as long
+as the dulcet chords continued conversation was impossible; so we
+danced on.
+
+Fortunately too, when the interval came, she was full of small-talk.
+
+"Isn't the floor good? And I always like this band."
+
+"Quite," said I.
+
+"Rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses to give a dance."
+
+"Quite," said I.
+
+"Especially when their eldest boy, the one, you know, who was so
+frightfully good at golf or something, has just got into a mess
+with--"
+
+"Quite," said I, while she plunged into a flood of reminiscences.
+She did not ask whether I could jazz, mainly, I think, because I had
+already danced with her. I concentrated my thoughts on the best means
+of avoiding Mary when the music began again, and just threw in an
+occasional "Quite" to keep the lady in a good temper.
+
+But there was no escaping Mary.
+
+"You _must_ go and dance with Miss Carter," she told me, adducing
+incontrovertible arguments. I am terrified of Miss Carter, who can
+only be described as "statuesque" and always does the right thing
+(which makes her crushing to the verge of discourtesy). I am always
+being asked if I know whether she is "only twenty-two." It was not
+without satisfaction that I initiated her into my style of dancing.
+
+To my horror, when we stopped she sat in silence, regarding me with
+an air of expectant boredom. I racked my brains.
+
+"Good floor, isn't it?" said I.
+
+"Quite," said Miss Carter.
+
+"Jolly good band too."
+
+"Quite," said Miss Carter.
+
+"And rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses, don't you think?"
+
+She said it again. By this time I felt convinced that all the other
+couples within hearing were listening to us. Miss Carter is that sort
+of person.
+
+"Of course," I said with a nervous laugh, "it's rather absurd for me
+to say anything about it, because, you know, dancing isn't much in my
+line."
+
+"Quite," said Miss Carter.
+
+That settled it; I felt I must stop her at all costs. I cleared my
+throat and spoke as distinctly as I could.
+
+"I'm always being asked a conundrum, Miss Carter, and you're the one
+person who can tell me the true answer. Am I permitted to ask it?"
+
+"Quite," said Miss Carter, for the first time almost smiling. I
+plucked up courage.
+
+"It's this: how old are you?"
+
+She stopped herself just in time. Her answer was given in a tone
+which expressed at the same time her contempt for my breach of the
+conventions and the fact that she was too indifferent to think me
+worth snubbing.
+
+"Twenty-two," said she.
+
+"Quite," said I.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HAIR DONE, MADAM?"
+
+"WELL, I WANT TO GET IT DEBOBBED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAREER (POSTPONED).
+
+MY DEAR JAMES,--A few weeks ago I wrote to tell you that ere long the
+military machine would be able to spare one of its cogs--myself. I
+discussed possible careers in civil life, and since then I had almost
+decided on "filbert-grower." Had things gone well, by the beginning of
+June you should have received a first instalment of forced filberts.
+
+Now this cannot be. The cog is shown to be indispensable. I must
+remain a soldier.
+
+Why do they want me, James? I am nothing like a soldier. I cannot
+click my heels as other men do. I try, Heaven knows how I try, but all
+the C.O. hears is a sound as of two cabbages being slapped together.
+And my word of command! The critics say it is like a cry for help in
+a London fog.
+
+My haversack contains no trace of any Field-Marshal's baton. You are
+aware that every private soldier's haversack is issued complete with
+"Batons, one, Field-Marshal (potential), for the use of." But there is
+no authority for such an issue for commissioned ranks.
+
+Is it because of my manner with men and my powers as a disciplinarian?
+I fear not. If a man is brought before me for summary jurisdiction a
+lump rises in my throat and I want to cry. I am always sure he didn't
+mean to do it. As for military law, I am shaky on the fines for
+drunkenness, and I don't feel at all sure whether death at dawn or two
+extra fatigues is the maximum punishment for having one string of the
+hold-all longer than the other when on active service.
+
+When I kicked the bell-push towards the end of last guest-night the
+Adjutant said he should mark me down for the job of Physical Training
+Officer; but I hope he was only joking. I am not built for the work.
+My frame is puny and my countenance irresolute. I hate bending and
+stretching my arms; they creak and frighten me. I never could squat on
+my heels like a thingummy.
+
+I might, if allowed, make a hit as Messing Officer. With the aid of
+my Cookery Course notes I can differentiate between no fewer than
+thirty-four different types of rissole. Unfortunately we already have
+a Messing Officer of deadly efficiency. He can classify dripping by
+instinct. He can memorise at sight all the revolting contents of a
+swill-tub. My rissole lore is a poor asset in comparison.
+
+No, James, I think I have it. One day you will read that our Armies
+of Occupation consist of so many hundred thousands of all ranks,
+including, perhaps, 35,001 officers. That is why they retain me.
+I shall be the "1" at the end of the thousands. It is your humble
+servant's function to keep the Armies of Occupation up to strength.
+
+Are we to be robbed of the fruits of victory? The reply is in the
+negative. Therefore, when next June comes along and you yearn for
+the early filberts, do not be fretty. Remember that I am gathering
+in fruits of another and a nobler kind. Yours ever,
+
+WILLIAM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SORRY, MUM, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU'LL 'AVE TER STAY
+UPSTAIRS 'COS THE AFFILIATED SOCIETY OF PIANNER-SHIFTERS 'AS CALLED A
+GENERAL STRIKE THIS MINNIT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW BREAD FOR OLD.
+
+    ["New Bread Again"--"Loaves of Any Shape."--_Headlines from a
+    Daily Paper_.]
+
+  As I walked forth in Baker Street
+    As sober as a Quaker,
+  Whom did I have the luck to meet?
+    I met a jolly Baker.
+  His voice was gay, his eye was bright,
+    His step was light and airy,
+  His face and arms were powdered white--
+    I think he was a fairy;
+  He danced beneath the April moon,
+    And as he danced he trolled
+  Wild snatches of an ancient rune,
+  Yet all the burden of his tune
+    Was "New--Bread--for Old!"
+
+  Quoth I: "Whence got you, lad, a heart
+    So glad that you must show it?"
+  Quoth he: "The Baker hath his art
+    No less, Sir, than the Poet;
+  I tell ye, I'm so blithe to-night
+    I'd paint the old Moon's orb red!
+  Oh, think ye that I took delight
+    For years in baking war-bread?
+  One shape, one colour and one size,
+    By Government controlled?
+  But now all this to limbo flies;
+  What wonder that to-night I cries
+    'New--Bread--for Old?'
+
+  "Good Sir, the Baker hath a soul
+    And loves to make bread pleasant--
+  The Twist, the long Vienna Roll,
+    The Horseshoe and the Crescent,
+  The Milk, the Tin, the lovely loaf
+    Where currants one discovers,
+  The Wholemeal for the country oaf,
+    The Knot for all true lovers.
+  So, till upon the glowing East
+    The sun in red and gold
+  Comes forth to bake the daily feast,
+  I'll cry with heart as light as yeast,
+    'New--Bread--for Old!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN ICARUS.
+
+    "After an hour's flight over the frozen Conception Bay and
+    the town of St. John's, Mr. Hawker made a perfect landing. He
+    appeared more than over confident of success."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+    "General admiration and sympathy is extended to Mr. Tawker
+    due to his frankness regarding his progress towards making
+    the trans-ocean flight."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+We trust our contemporaries are not in a conspiracy to represent the
+gallant aviator as a hot-air man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Presently, when aviation becomes a commonplace, the fares
+    will come down."--_Daily Dispatch_.
+
+That's just what makes us so nervous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEACE TERMS.
+
+BEING SOME LETTERS OF MRS. PARTINGTON TO HER SISTER.
+
+    [Conferences between mistresses and servants are being held in
+    various parts of the country to discuss terms of peace in the
+    domestic world.]
+
+_Puddleford_.
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--We haven't got a servant yet, but we are clutching at
+a new hope. There is to be a conference here between mistresses
+and maids, to discuss and readjust the servants' rights and the
+mistresses' wrongs--or is it the other way about? Anyhow, I shall
+attend that conference. I shall bribe, plead, consent to any
+arrangement if I can but net a cook-general. Ten months of doing
+my own washing-up has brought me to my knees, while Harry says the
+performance of menial duties has crushed his spirit.
+
+Of course, Harry does make such a fuss of things. You might think, to
+hear him talk, that the getting up of coal, lighting fires, chopping
+wood and cleaning flues was the entire work of a household, instead
+of being mere incidents in the daily routine. If he had to tackle _my_
+duties--but men never seem to understand how much there is to do in a
+house.
+
+I will tell you about the conference when I write again.
+
+Yours always, DODO.
+
+
+_Puddleford_.
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--The conference was a most interesting affair; the one
+going on in Paris could never be half so thrilling. There was a goodly
+attendance of servants, and they had their own spokeswoman. We spoke
+for ourselves--those of us who were not too dazed at the sight of so
+many "treasures" almost within our grasp.
+
+What the servants wanted was not unreasonable. They chiefly demanded a
+certain time to themselves during the day, with fixed hours for meals,
+evening free, etc.
+
+Then Mrs. Boydon-Spoute got up--you know how that woman loves to
+hear herself talk--and said that such demands were outrageous. (It's
+easy for her to raise objections. She has somehow paralysed her two
+servants into staying with her for over ten years.) She pointed out
+that under such conditions the servant would have more freedom than
+the mistress; and to allow the working classes to thus get the upper
+hand was nothing short of encouraging Bolshevism in the home. Dreadful
+thing to say, wasn't it?
+
+The servants got rather restive at that. When I thought of the two
+days' washing-up waiting for me at home I retorted with spirit that
+servants had as much right to freedom as we, and it was our duty to
+guard their interests--and lots of inspired things like that, glaring
+at Mrs. Boydon-Spoute the while.
+
+I spoke so well that a cook-general offered herself to me as soon as
+the conference was over. She comes in on Monday.
+
+Yours in transports, DODO.
+
+
+_Puddleford_.
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--Emma, the new maid, has arrived. Harry is as relieved
+as I am and was quite cheerful while I was dressing the gash he had
+inflicted on his hand while chopping wood. Isn't it strange that men
+can never give the slightest assistance in the house without getting
+themselves hurt in some way?
+
+Emma promises to be a treasure. If mistresses would only show a little
+humanity there never would be any servant trouble at all. It is people
+like Mrs. Boydon-Spoute who are responsible for it.
+
+Yours, purring content, DODO.
+
+
+_Puddleford._
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--I am sorry not to have written for such a long time. I
+have been so extremely busy.
+
+You see, when Emma has had her two hours free daily, her
+hour-and-a-half off for dinner, with half-an-hour for other meals,
+every evening out as well as two afternoons a week, you would be
+surprised what little leisure is left to her for the housework.
+
+She gets in what she can, of course, and I do the rest. Doing the
+rest, by the way, takes up a great deal of my time. But I generally
+have an hour free in the evenings.
+
+Your brave DODO.
+
+
+_Puddleford_.
+
+DEAR MOIRA,--I am glad to say Emma has gone and I am putting my name
+down at a registry-office in the usual way. It's too much of a strain
+having "conference" girls in the home.
+
+Who was it said that if we are to allow the working classes to get the
+upper hand it was nothing short of encouraging Bolshevism in the home?
+Anyhow, I think he--or perhaps it was she--must be right.
+
+I must close rather hastily. I have just heard a terrific crash in the
+kitchen; I'm afraid Harry has dropped something on his foot _again_.
+
+Your long-suffering DODO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. ----, like a fatherly hen, hovered over all, satisfying
+    himself that nothing had been omitted that could detract from
+    their comfort."--_Egyptian Mail._
+
+We cannot imagine any hen, however unsexed, behaving like that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RHYMES OF RANK.
+
+  Vice-Admirals command a base;
+  Their forms blend dignity with grace.
+  You never see the smallest trace
+  Of levity upon the face
+  Of one who wears a Vice's lace.
+  For Admirals to romp and race
+  Or frolic in a public place
+  Is held to be a great disgrace;
+  I do not think a single case
+  Of this has happened at our base.
+
+  The Commodore, the Commodore
+  Is very popular ashore;
+  He can relate an endless store
+  Of yarns which scarcely ever bore
+  Till they are told three times or more.
+  The ladies young and old adore
+  This man who bathed in Teuton gore
+  And practically won the War;
+  But once, a fact I much deplore,
+  A General was heard to snore
+  While seated near the Commodore.
+
+  The Captain dwells aloof, alone;
+  He has a cabin of his own;
+  And should the smallest nose be blown,
+  Though softly and with dulcet tone,
+  In earshot of this sacred zone
+  The very ship herself would groan.
+  Yes, Captains (though but flesh and bone
+  Like little snotties, be it known)
+  Are best severely left alone.
+
+  Commanders are a stern-eyed folk
+  Who may or may not take a joke;
+  It really isn't safe to poke
+  Light fun at any three-ringed bloke;
+  You may be sorry that you spoke.
+  Their ways are proud; they sport the oak;
+  They are not tame enough to stroke;
+  I greatly dread these grim-eyed folk.
+
+  Lieutenants of the R.N.V.
+  Were born and bred on land, not sea,
+  And ancient mariners like me
+  With sly grimace and winks of glee
+  Would watch them when the winds blew free,
+  Or send them down a cup of tea.
+  But soon their deeds became their plea
+  For standing with the Big Navee
+  In equal fame and dignity:
+  While even Subs. R.N. agree
+  They're better than they used to be,
+  These Looties of the R.N.V.
+
+  Sub-Loots are nothing if not sports;
+  The nicest girls in all the ports
+  Declare they are the best of sorts
+  And useful on the tennis-courts.
+  In gun-rooms, where their rank resorts,
+  They bandy quips and shrewd retorts,
+  And swig champagne, not pints but quarts.
+  I said at first that they were sports.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Headmaster_ (_interviewing new boy_). "AT WHAT SCHOOL
+WERE YOU LAST, MY BOY?"
+
+_New Boy_. "P-P-PLEASE, SIR, AT A ST-T-T-TAMMERING T-TUTOR'S"; (_feels
+he is not making the best of himself_) "B-BUT THEY T-TAUGHT OTHER
+THINGS BESIDES ST-T-T-TAMMERING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WITH THE RED GUARDS.
+
+    A good deal of curiosity exists regarding the management of
+    the Bolshevik army, in which it is stated that discipline
+    does not exist. A copy of Battalion Orders may therefore be
+    of interest:
+
+_BATTALION ORDERS_
+
+BY MAJOR TROTOFF
+
+(COMMANDING THE 22ND BATTALION THE RED GUARDS).
+
+(1) DETAIL.
+
+Disorderly Officer--LOOT VODKAWITCH.
+
+Next for duty (if so disposed): LOOT PUTAWAYSKY.
+
+(2) PARADES.
+
+The Battalion (or such of it as has no other engagement) will parade
+as strong as possible on the Peter-and-Paulsky Prospekt, at 10.30 A.M.
+for 9.30 A.M.
+
+DRESS.
+
+Barging order, with rifles, razors, knives, pokers and horsewhips.
+
+The following scheme will be carried out:--
+
+_General Idea_.--A few families of the Bourgeois class have taken up
+a position in certain cellars in West End of City. Patrols report that
+they still possess a few valuables.
+
+_Special Idea_.--The O.C. invites the Battalion to occupy district and
+help itself.
+
+(3) COMMAND.
+
+The Second in Command of this unit regrets to announce that he found
+it necessary to sentence his Commanding Officer to forty-two days No.
+1 F.P. for attempting to maintain discipline; the Second in Command
+therefore assumes command of this unit in the absence of the C.O. now
+serving sentence.
+
+(4) COURSE.
+
+Would a few officers mind being detailed for the
+hundred-and-twenty-first course in the use of Private House Grenades,
+13th of this month?
+
+(5) BOOTS, BOLSHEVISTS FOR THE USE OF, ISSUE OF.
+
+The Quartermaster would be greatly obliged if private gentlemen of
+the Battalion requiring boots would favour him with a visit at any
+time during the day or night.
+
+If not inconvenient to them it would be a kindness if they let him
+know what they take.
+
+NOTICE.
+
+The Officer at present in command of the Battalion has pleasure in
+announcing that the private residence of the Commanding Officer,
+which contains a large number of objects of great beauty and value,
+is through its owner's unavoidable absence at present unguarded.
+
+In these circumstances the O.C. is pleased to grant an extension to
+all ranks until twelve midnight.
+
+P. PIPSKY,
+
+_Captain and Agitant_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SUPER-MORMON.
+
+    "A Nelson soldier in a letter states that General ----
+    informed his unit that he had 2,000 wives to ship out to New
+    Zealand, and another 2,000 would be ready to leave England
+    during the next few months."--_New Zealand Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  There was an industrial freak,
+  As a labourer sadly to seek;
+    But he leapt into fame
+    By preferring a claim
+  For a general Ten-Minutes' Week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Vicar_ (_to parishioner who has violent quarrels
+with her neighbour_), "MRS. CRABBE SENT A MESSAGE THAT SHE HAS QUITE
+FORGIVEN YOU. WHAT MESSAGE CAN I TAKE TO HER?"
+
+_Parishioner_. "YOU CAN SAY I 'OPE SHE'LL DIE 'APPY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FEARFUL ODDS.
+
+  There's no fear that strikes so dumb,
+  None so hard to overcome,
+  As the thought that there are two
+  Eyes that _may_ be watching you.
+  Here's a perfect illustration
+  Of that sickening sensation.
+
+  Young Lieutenant Jimmy Spry's
+  Power resided in his eyes;
+  He'd been able all his days
+  To revolve them different ways.
+  For example, let's suppose
+  That the right one watched his nose,
+  Then the left--you'll think it queer--
+  Turned towards his dexter ear.
+  But what really made him great
+  Was--he always _saw_ things straight.
+
+  Out in France, a year ago,
+  He was cornered by the foe;
+  Neither party had a gun,
+  But the odds were three to one
+  And the Huns were fit and strong;
+  One was lean and very long,
+  One was short and stout of calf,
+  While the third was half and half.
+
+  Jimmy, spoiling for a fight,
+  Fixed the short one with his right,
+  While his left with martial glare
+  Met the long 'un's startled stare;
+  But--I know it sounds absurd--
+  He was _looking_ at the third.
+
+  Jimmy was, I'd have you know,
+  Something of a boxing pro.,
+  So he knew the golden maxim:
+  "He who eyes his man best whacks him."
+  Shorty, when he saw the grim
+  Optic that was turned on him,
+  Thinking Jimmy's fist looked hard
+  Prudently remained on guard.
+  Canny Hun! And who can blame
+  Longshanks if he did the same?
+  But our hero, irritated,
+  Grassed the third man while they waited.
+
+  Filled with rage and anger, both
+  Rushed upon him with an oath,
+  Eager now to slit the gizzard
+  Of that astigmatic wizard,
+  Till they noticed with dismay
+  _Both_ his eyes were far away!
+  (One eye sought the earth, while one
+  Seemed to contemplate the sun.)
+
+  Both stopped dead; the same cold thought
+  At their jangling heart-strings caught.
+  Longshanks, trembling at the knee,
+  Quavered, "Hans, he's watching _me_!"
+  Shorty whimpered, scared to fits,
+  "No, it's _me_ he's after, Fritz!"
+  Sick with fear, their souls revolted;
+  As one man they turned and bolted.
+
+  At them Spry in mild amaze
+  (Literally) bent his gaze,
+  Sighed, and then without a word
+  Wandered homeward with the third.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAR BABIES.
+
+    [Lord Justice BANKS recently referred to the possible
+    establishment of a Law Courts' _creche_, where the female
+    barrister might leave her young while engaged in forensic
+    duties.]
+
+_From "The Law Times" of 192--._
+
+    "A Violent altercation took place yesterday in the room
+    allotted to infants of the Junior Bar (adjoining the Court
+    of Pathetic Appeal) between his nurse and little Johnnie,
+    the teething infant of Mrs. Flapperton, who, by the way,
+    we noticed being measured only the other day for silk. The
+    Court Husher having failed to produce silence, Mrs. Justice
+    Spankhurst had to intervene, and only succeeded in restoring
+    order by threatening to have the _creche_ cleared."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RECKONING.
+
+PAN-GERMAN. "MONSTROUS, I CALL IT. WHY, IT'S FULLY A QUARTER OF WHAT
+_WE_ SHOULD HAVE MADE _THEM_ PAY, IF _WE_'D WON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 14th_.--The Criminal Injuries (Ireland) Bill furnished
+the LORD CHANCELLOR with the text for a rather gloomy sermon on the
+present state of the sister-country. The King's Writ still runs there,
+but in many counties is outstripped by the rival _fiat_ of Sinn Fein.
+A tribute to the impeccable behaviour of "law-abiding" Ulster appeared
+to stir in the breast of Lord CREWE memories of the pre-war prancings
+of a certain "Galloper," for he remarked that the noble lord's
+information seemed to be "partial and recent."
+
+Exception has recently been taken to the cab-shelter in Palace Yard,
+some Members objecting that its architectural design was out of
+harmony with that of the Houses of Parliament, and others complaining
+that its internal attractions were so great as to seduce the taxi-men
+from paying any attention to prospective fares. Sir ALFRED MOND, after
+long consideration, has decided to abolish the offending edifice
+and to give the drivers a shelter in the Vaults, where the police
+will discourage them from exceeding in the matter of "rest and
+refreshment."
+
+Members were naturally eager to hear what Mr. BONAR LAW, freshly
+flown from Paris, had to tell them about the Peace Conference, the
+prospects of hanging the EX-KAISER, and so forth, but received little
+information, save that the Government shared the popular desire that
+no legal quibble should prevent the arch-criminal being brought to
+justice. Members were a little comforted, however, by the announcement
+that a Committee of the Cabinet is already considering the whole
+question of Peace-celebrations. While Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is engaged (if
+the image is permitted) in fighting beasts at Ephesus it is pleasant
+to think of his colleagues deciding upon the relative merits of
+crackers and Catherine-wheels, flares and bonfires, church-bells and
+steam-sirens, as means for the expression of the national joy.
+
+[Illustration: SIR A. MOND AND AN EFFICIENT CAB SERVICE FOR MEMBERS.
+
+At a blast on whistle the cab-drivers will down tea-cups, cake,
+kippers or what-not, and double smartly on to parade.]
+
+After the loud orgy of headline which followed upon his remarkable
+victory at Central Hull, Commander KENWORTHY might reasonably
+have expected that his entry into the House would have produced an
+uproarious scene of demonstration and counter-demonstration. But there
+was nothing of the kind. The jubilant "Wee Frees," of course, cheered
+as one man, but the volume of sound produced was not appreciably
+greater than if one man had cheered; and the crowded Coalitionists
+sat gloomily silent, though no doubt they thought a lot. The gallant
+Commander has already introduced one pleasing innovation into the
+procedure of the House, for, before signing the Roll, he nodded
+cheerfully to the ladies in the Gallery, as if to say, "But for you
+I shouldn't be here!"
+
+Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN, who at Question-time had regretfully
+admitted that the Government were withdrawing soldiers from
+agriculture at a moment when they were particularly required, now
+moved the Second Reading of the Bill which is intended to give them
+the chance of going back to the land in perpetuity. In spite of his
+warning that the cost of the land to be acquired was a comparatively
+minor part of the expense, Members vied with one another in
+denouncing the iniquity of allowing the land-owner to get the present
+market-value of his property; and the landlords' representatives
+themselves hastened to declare that such a preposterous notion
+never entered their heads. The Bill was read a second time without
+a division. I don't suppose it will provide land for anything
+approaching the eight hundred thousand soldiers who are said to
+be pining for it; but it ought to satisfy the relatively small
+proportion who, after hearing about the trials and hardships of
+a small-holder--no forty-eight hours' week for him!--retain their
+agricultural aspirations.
+
+_Tuesday, April 15th_.--In a couple of hours the Lords disposed of
+several Bills, enjoyed a scientific debate on neurasthenia--described
+by a correspondent of Lord KNUTSFORD as "a gas escaping from
+people"--discussed the prices of milk and cheese, and still found time
+for the consideration of their own procedure. Lord CURZON said the
+suggestion that the House should sit on more days in the week had not
+been favourably received. Friday would not do, as their Lordships went
+out of town on that day, and Monday was equally inconvenient, as they
+could not contrive to get back by then. To earlier sittings the LORD
+CHANCELLOR objected on behalf of his legal colleagues. So it looks as
+if there would be no change, and since, _teste_ Lord SALISBURY, the
+House does its work admirably, why should there be?
+
+Remembering a famous speech on the presumption of certain organs
+of the Press, the Commons were not surprised to learn from Mr.
+CHAMBERLAIN, _a propos_ of the beer-tax, that he is not responsible
+for what may appear in _The Times_.
+
+There is still something of "the eternal boy" in Major WEDGWOOD
+BENN. It was with an air of "Now I've got him" that he propounded the
+question, "Is paper a raw material or a manufactured article?" But
+Mr. BRIDGEMAN can always solve these Cobdenite conundrums, and quietly
+replied, "Both." Whereupon Major BENN, with an engaging blush, retired
+from the fray.
+
+In moving the second reading of the Aliens Restriction Bill the
+HOME SECRETARY said that, while national safety must be the first
+consideration, no unnecessary hardship should be inflicted on our
+foreign immigrants. But his proposal that the Government should rest
+contented with its present powers for another two years met with
+little favour from Members whose knowledge of history seems to date
+from 1914. In the opinion of Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who led the Opposition,
+every alien was _prima facie_ undesirable; Sir ERNEST WILD, from
+his experience in the criminal courts, took the same view, and
+patriotically demanded the exclusion from our shores of persons whose
+principal occupation, we gathered, was to furnish him with briefs
+for the defence; and Mr. JOYNSON HICKS, Mr. BILLING and Sir R. COOPER
+urged that the SHORTT way with aliens should be made considerably
+shorter. Before this massed attack the HOME SECRETARY gave way and
+agreed to reduce the operation of the Bill to one year.
+
+The temperature of the House rose so appreciably during the debate as
+to upset the nerves of some of the ladies in the Strangers' Gallery.
+At least that is the charitable explanation of the behaviour of Miss
+SYLVIA PANKHURST and her friends, who interrupted a discussion on
+soldiers' pensions by shouting out, "You are a gang of murderers!"
+
+_Wednesday, April 16th_.--A crowded House, the Peers' Gallery full to
+overflowing, the HEIR-APPARENT over the Clock, and the new Editor of
+_The Times_ among the representatives of the Press--the PRIME MINISTER
+could have desired no better setting for his speech upon the labours
+of the Peace Conference. His original intention was to hold his forces
+in reserve and invite his critics to "fire first," but, as none of
+these gentlemen seemed to be particularly anxious to go "over the
+top," Mr. LLOYD GEOEGE obligingly altered his battle-plan and himself
+delivered the opening fusillade.
+
+That he was in no apologetic mood was shown in almost his first
+sentence. His declaration that indemnities were a difficult
+problem, "not to be settled by telegram," evoked resounding cheers.
+Thenceforward he held the sympathy of the House, whether he was
+describing the difficulties of the Peace Conference, or reconciling
+the apparent inconsistencies of its Russian policy, or inveighing
+against the attempts of certain newspapers to sow dissension among the
+Allies. "I would rather have a good Peace than a good Press" was one
+of his most telling phrases, and it was followed by a character-sketch
+of his principal newspaper-critic which in pungency left nothing to be
+desired. "What a journalist I could have made of him!" the recluse of
+Fontainebleau will doubtless remark when he reads the passage.
+
+The PRIME MINISTER'S object, I imagine, was less to impart information
+than to create an atmosphere; and he was so far successful that
+the House showed little inclination to listen to other speakers.
+Nevertheless several of them devoted some hours to saying nothing
+in particular before the House mercifully adjourned for the Easter
+Recess.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Postmaster-General, in a written answer, states that
+    arrangements are now in hand for the improvement, where
+    circumstances permit, of postal services which have been
+    curtained as a result of war conditions."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+As for the telephone service, we can well believe that he would prefer
+the veil to be kept over that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GERMLESS EDEN.
+
+  The antiseptic baby and the prophylactic pup
+  Were playing in the garden when the bunny gambolled up;
+  They looked upon the creature with a loathing undisguised,
+  For he wasn't disinfected and he wasn't sterilized.
+  They said he was a microbe and a hotbed of disease;
+  They steamed him in a vapour of a thousand odd degrees,
+  They froze him in a freezer that was cold as banished hope,
+  They washed him with permanganate and carbolated soap,
+
+  With sulphuretted hydrogen they bathed his wiggly ears;
+  They trimmed his frisky whiskers with a pair of hard-boiled shears;
+  Then they donned their rubber mittens and they took him by the hand
+  And elected him a member of the fumigated band.
+  Now there's not a micrococcus in the garden where they play
+  And they bathe in pure iodoform a dozen times a day,
+  Taking each his daily ration from a hygienic cup,
+  The baby and the bunny and the prophylactic pup.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF PEACE CELEBRATIONS IS BEING CONSIDERED
+BY A COMMITTEE OF THE CABINET.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAPID PROMOTION.
+
+    "Cpl. A.A.C. Earl of Shaftesbury, K.P., K.C.V.O., relinquishes
+    his appt. (March 1), and is granted the hon. rank of
+    Brig.-Gen."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM THE STREET OF ADVENTURE.
+
+Journalistic reconstructions and amalgamations have been proceeding
+so rapidly and extensively of late that there seems no end to the
+kaleidoscopic possibilities of the future.
+
+Up to the present, however, no confirmation can be obtained of
+the startling rumor that _The Spectator_ has been purchased by the
+proprietors of _The Kennel Gazette_, and will henceforth be devoted
+to the interests of our four-footed friends, the supplements being
+restricted to purely feline amenities.
+
+Another persistent rumour, which hitherto lacks the seal of official
+corroboration, is to the effect that _The Guardian_ is to be given a
+new range of activity as the organ of scientific spiritualism, under
+the title of _The Guardian Angel_ and the joint editorship of Sir
+Oliver Doyle and Sir Conan Lodge. The investigations into multiple
+consciousness conducted by these two eminent _savants_ have proved
+their mutual convertibility to such an extent that they have decided
+upon this rearrangement of their names. If the scheme materialises
+the stimulating collaboration of Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE is a foregone
+conclusion, and there is even a possibility of contributions from
+an August Exile somewhere in Holland.
+
+A third report maintains with minute circumstantiality that the
+proprietors of _The Economist_, having come to the conclusion that
+this journal needs brightening, have decided to entrust the post of
+principal leader-writer to "CALLISTHENES," and retain the services of
+the authoress of _The Tunnel_ as financial _feuilleton_ writer. But
+on enquiry at the London School of Economics we could not obtain any
+definite information.
+
+The rumours that _The Morning Post_ is about to be merged in _The
+Winning Post_, and that Mr. MAXSE is starting an evening paper, to be
+called _The Job and Caviller_, are extremely interesting, but need to
+be received with a certain amount of caution.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Two-seater Motor-car. 7-9 h.p., in perfect running order,
+    Bosch magneto, Michelin tyres, spare wheel and accessories,
+    Axminster and Brussels carpets, stair carpeting, lino.,
+    kitchen utensils, dinner service, copper chafing dish, pots,
+    pans, lawn mower, deck chairs, &c., nearly new mangle, and
+    numerous other effects."--_Local Paper_.
+
+Just the car for the _White Knight_ when he takes to motoring.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Excited Officer_ (_in demobilisation special_). "I
+_KNEW_ THE COUNTRY WAS GRATEFUL! LOOK AT THAT OLD CHAP WAVING HIS HOE
+AT US!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BABLINGO.
+
+It has been suggested to me that the time has come for a comprehensive
+investigation of the interesting language known as Bablingo. Materials
+for this are ready for use in every home that still possesses a
+nursery with an inmate not more than two years of age. I must premise
+that it is the inmate's mother and the inmate's nurse, not the actual
+inmate, who use the language. Some day, no doubt, there will arise
+an investigator who will reduce to order and catalogue the inchoate
+efforts of an infant to make itself understood by talking. These
+efforts are doubtless of high interest to the etymologist, but the
+difficulties of the task are at present too great, and in any case I
+am not the man to undertake it.
+
+I shall content myself for the moment with setting an examination
+paper in Bablingo for the purpose of testing knowledge. It will differ
+from most other examinations in having a further object--namely to
+supply instruction and information to the examiner. Later on it may
+be possible to construct a grammar, and to append to this a few
+easy exercises. It must be remembered, however, that there are great
+difficulties to be overcome in such a task. Every home, for instance,
+has its own rules for pronunciation. Of these I do not for my
+immediate purpose propose to take cognisance.
+
+Here, then, is a short Bablingo examination paper for the use of
+mothers and nurses. I do not at present see my way to including
+fathers.
+
+(1) On what principles is the language which you use in your nursery
+formed? Did you (a) acquire it, or (b) find yourself unconsciously in
+possession of it?
+
+(2) Give a list of the characteristic features which distinguish
+Bablingo from the dialects employed by Prehistoric Man.
+
+(3) What justification can you allege for the conversion of the words
+_little thing_ into the words _ickle sing_? Are the spelling and
+pronunciation of these two words intended to be a concession to the
+feeble understanding of an infant?
+
+(4) _Wasums and didums, then? Was it a ickle birdie, then?_ Expand the
+above into a four-line verse with rhymes, and explain why the language
+as spoken and written is nearly always in the past tense, and rarely
+in the present or future.
+
+(5)(a) _Did he woz-a-woz, then; a Mum's own woz-man?_ (b) _'Oose
+queenie-mouse was 'oo?_ Write a short story on one of the above texts.
+
+(6) _Did she try to hit her ickle bruzzer on his nosie-posie wiz
+a mug? She was a Tartar, and did she want to break him up into
+bitsy-witsies?_ Construct a scene from a typical nursery drama on the
+above motive. What theories do you base on the extract with regard to
+the girl's temper and the boy's courage and endurance?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A REALLY CANDID CANDIDATE.
+
+    "TO THE ELECTORS OF ---- WARD.
+
+    "Ladies and Gentlemen,--I beg to thank you for returning me
+    as your member at the Election on Monday last. Nothing shall
+    be wanting on my part to betray the confidence thus reposed
+    in me."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A YEAR'S REPRISALS.
+
+When I sent Aunt Emily--from whom I have expectations--a pincushion
+at Christmas and she retaliated with a pen-wiper on New Year's Day,
+I thought that was the end of it.
+
+Not so.
+
+Aunt Emily reopened hostilities on my birthday with a purple satin
+letter-case embroidered with a sprig of rosemary and the word
+"Remembrance." That fresh offensive occurred on January 27th, which,
+I repeat, is my birthday. Readers please note.
+
+When was Aunt Emily's birthday? Frenzied search in antique birthday
+books revealed not the horrid secret. Probing my diary for other
+suitable anniversaries, I came to February 1st--"Partridge and
+Pheasant Shooting ends."
+
+I passed this as being inappropriate, and then--the very
+thing--February 14th, St. Valentine's. Also Full Moon.
+
+To arrive on that day, I despatched, carefully packed, the white
+marble clock from the spare-room. When well shaken it will tick for
+an hour. Aunt Emily had never seen it, I knew.
+
+Then I sounded the All Clear.
+
+But on Easter Eve a heavy packing-case was bumped onto my doorstep.
+From wrappings of sacking there emerged a large model of Eddystone
+lighthouse; a thermometer was embedded in its chest, minus the
+mercury, I noted. And Aunt Emily wished me as per enclosed card "A
+joyous Easter."
+
+With groans and lamentations another anniversary must be found by me.
+Ah! Here we have it! KING GEOKGE V. born June 3rd. On the dark roof
+of my spare-room wardrobe loomed an Indian vase--bright yellow with
+red blobs--very rare and very hideous, with a bulge in its middle.
+Obviously unique, because when the Indian made it his fellow-Indians
+slew him to prevent repetitions of the offence. I packed it in the
+middle of a crate and much straw, calculated to make an appalling mess
+when released.
+
+To dear Aunt Emily it went, with love, and a few topical remarks about
+the Monarchy.
+
+But Aunt Emily evidently had a diary too. On the 21st of
+October--anniversary of Trafalgar--my heart sank as the railway
+delivery van drew up at my door. The angry driver toiled into my
+passage with a packing-case (bristling with splinters and nails). When
+it was open and the chisel broken I picked the splinters out of my
+fingers and contemplated the battered horn of a gramophone emerging
+from sawdust and shavings.
+
+The mess created was indescribable when the horn was drawn forth.
+Shavings flew everywhere. The sawdust was like a butcher's shop. There
+were records too, some broken, all scratched. When set going it made
+a noise like a cockatoo with a cold. Decently covered with a cloth it
+was interned in the loft.
+
+Next please. One more effort and I should be one up and Aunt Emily to
+play. And her turn would be Christmas. Once she sent me five pounds at
+Christmas.
+
+The diary again. A poor hatch of anniversaries for November. A partial
+eclipse of the moon, partially visible at Greenwich, was down for the
+22nd. But eclipses are too ominous.
+
+I fell back on KING EDWARD VII., born November 9th, 1841. Twenty-three
+volumes of Goodworthy's _History of England_ should commemorate this.
+There had once been twenty-four, but the puppy ate one.
+
+Gratitude came by return of post, and I sat down in peace to await
+Christmas and a cheque.
+
+But on December 19th came another dreadful and splintery packing-case.
+Desperately I gouged it open. Out of it, through a cloud of shavings,
+emerged my own loathsome yellow-and-red Indian vase! No word with
+it--not a word, not a note. Not a funeral note.
+
+Rage overtook me. I disinterred Aunt Emily's own gramophone and
+records. I packed the horn anyhow. Such of the records as seemed
+difficult to get in I broke into small pieces and shoved in corners.
+I nailed the packing-case up with the same nails and addressed it in
+the boldest and fiercest of characters to Aunt Emily and caught the
+railway-van on the rebound. The deed was done.
+
+I laughed "Ha, ha!" I laughed "Ho, ho!" I would teach Aunt Emily to
+return me my own vase.
+
+Next morning came a letter. As I read it perspiration burst out on my
+forehead. Language the most awful burst from my lips.
+
+And yet it was a simple letter--from my little cousin Dolly.
+
+"DEAR BOB," it said,--"I sent you a yellow-and-red vase for Christmas.
+Your Aunt Emily gave it me as a wedding present. It is not my style and
+must be yours, because I have seen one like it in your house. Perhaps
+you collect them. Don't tell your Aunt, but I really couldn't bear it.
+I forgot to put any note in the box. Happy Christmas.
+
+"Love, DOLLY."
+
+And Aunt Emily would have opened my case by now.
+
+On Christmas Day I received a letter from her which I opened with
+cold and clammy fingers.
+
+She thanked me for sending back the gramophone. She was sorry I
+did not care for it. She was now sending it to a hospital for
+shell-shocked officers. And she wished me a Blithe Yuletide on a
+penny card. And she was very sincerely mine.
+
+Anyone can have her for aught I care.
+
+[Illustration: _Unsuccessful House-huntress_. "REALLY ONE SEES SO
+FEW OF THE SORT OF MEN WHO USED TO _BUILD_ HOUSES. WHY DOESN'T THE
+GOVERNMENT RELEASE MORE CORDUROY TROUSERS AND ENTICE THE LABOURERS
+BACK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SUPER-HUMAN DOG.
+
+WHEN YOU CAME HOME ON LEAVE YOUR DOG, UNLIKE SOME
+HUMANS, NEVER EXPRESSED SURPRISE AT SEEING YOU _STILL IN ENGLAND_.
+
+NEVER INDULGED IN DEMOBILISATION TALK.
+
+OR HANDED OUT "CHESTNUTS."
+
+OR INTRODUCED YOU TO YOUR C.O. (ALSO ON PASS).
+
+OR BORED YOU WITH HIS OWN DOMESTIC TROUBLES ("LEFT A BOOT-JACK IN
+MY DRINKING-TROUGH, SHE DID").
+
+OR INTRUDED HIS PRESENCE AT INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS.
+
+BUT SIMPLY WELCOMED YOU--
+
+--IN HIS OWN--
+
+--INIMITABLE MANNER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOUTH SEA BUBBLE.
+
+"I want you," said my hostess, "to take in Mrs. Blank. She is
+charming. All through the War she has been with her husband in the
+South Seas. London is a new place to her."
+
+Mrs. Blank did not look too promising. She was pretty in her
+way--"elegant" an American would have called her--but she lacked
+animation. However, the South Seas...! Anyone fresh from the Pacific
+must have enough to tell to see soup, fish and _entree_ safely
+through.
+
+I began by remarking that she must find London a very complete change
+after the sun and placidity that she had come from.
+
+"It's certainly noisier," she said; "but we had our share of rain."
+
+"I thought it was always fine there," I remarked; but she laughed a
+denial and relapsed into silence.
+
+She was one of those women who don't take soup, and this made the
+economy of her utterances the more unfair.
+
+Racking my brain for a new start I fell back on those useful fellows,
+the authors. Presuming that anyone who had lived in that fascinating
+region--the promised land (if land is the word) of so many of us who
+are weary of English climatic treacheries--would be familiar with the
+literature of it. I went boldly to work.
+
+"The first book about the South Seas that I ever read," I said, "was
+BALLANTYNE'S _Coral Island_."
+
+"Indeed!" she replied.
+
+I asked her if she too had not been brought up on BALLANTYNE, and she
+said no. She did not even know his name.
+
+"He wrote for boys," I explained rather lamely.
+
+"I read poetry chiefly as a girl," she said.
+
+"But surely you know STEVENSON'S _Island Nights' Entertainment_?"
+I said.
+
+No, she did not. Was it nice?
+
+"It's extraordinary," I said. "It gives you more of the atmosphere
+of the South Seas than any other work. And Louis BECKE--you must have
+read him?" I continued.
+
+No, she had not. She read very little. The last book she had read was
+on spiritualism.
+
+"Not even CONRAD?" I pursued. "No one has so described the calms and
+storms of the Pacific."
+
+No, she remembered no story called _Conrad_.
+
+I was about to explain that CONRAD was the writer, not the written;
+but it seemed a waste of words, and we fell into a stillness broken
+only by the sound of knife and fork.
+
+"Hang it! you shall talk," I said to myself; and then aloud, "Tell me
+all about copra. I have longed to know what copra is; how it grows,
+what it looks like, what it is for."
+
+"You have come to the wrong person," she replied, with wide eyes. "I
+never heard of it. Or did you say 'cobra'? Of course I know what a
+cobra is--it's a snake. I've seen them at the Zoo."
+
+I put her right. "Copra, the stuff that the traders in the South Seas
+deal in."
+
+"I never heard of it," she said. "But then why should I? I know
+nothing about the South Seas."
+
+My stock fell thirty points and I crumbled bread nervously, hoping for
+something sensible to say; but at this moment "half-time" mercifully
+set in. My partner on the other side turned to me suavely and asked if
+I thought the verses in _Abraham Lincoln_ were a beauty or a blemish;
+and with the assistance of the London stage, the flight to America,
+Mrs. FULTON'S _Blight_, Mr. WALPOLE'S _Secret City_ and the prospects
+of the new Academy, I sailed serenely into port. She was as easy and
+agreeable a woman as that other was difficult, and before she left for
+the drawing-room she had invited me to lunch and I had accepted.
+
+As I said Good-night to my hostess I asked why she had told me that my
+first partner had been in the South Seas. She said that she had said
+nothing of the sort; what she had said was that during the War she had
+been stationed with her husband, Colonel Blank, at Southsea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MESSAGE OF HULL.
+
+The Hull Election has been keenly discussed in various papers, but by
+none with more enthusiasm than _The Daily News_. In a special article
+from the luminous pen of "A.G.G.," in the issue of April 12th, the
+true inwardness of the portent is thus revealed:--
+
+"The message of Hull is a message for all the world. It is the
+announcement that this country, whatever its Government may do, will
+not have a French peace. It is a declaration to America that the
+English people are with her in her determination to have a League
+of Nations' settlement and no other. It is the repudiation of
+Conscription, of war on Russia, of the permanent military occupation
+of Germany, of imperialism and grab, of war policy in Ireland, of
+repression in Egypt, of the reckless profligacy and corruption that
+are plunging Europe into Bolshevism and hurrying this country to
+irretrievable ruin."
+
+We confess that we are staggered by the moderation, not to say
+modesty, of "A.G.G." as an interpreter of the meaning of the Hull
+Election. He has omitted infinitely more than he has inscribed in
+his list.
+
+The return of Commander KENWORTHY stands, of course, for all these
+things, but for many others of at least equal importance.
+
+It means the disappearance of influenza, the ravages of which
+are clearly traceable to the political virus disseminated by the
+Coalition.
+
+It means the rehabilitation of Mr. BIRRELL and his return to public
+life as English Ambassador to the Court of King Valeroso I.
+
+It foreshadows the wholesale gratuitous distribution of cigarettes,
+marmalade and gramophones.
+
+It means the prohibition of the use of the French horn in orchestras
+and all places where they play, the reinstatement of the German flute
+and the restoration of the German Fleet.
+
+Lastly, it means the compulsory prohibition of all Greek except "Alpha
+of the Plough."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD
+
+(_WITH HIS FIRST CRICKET SET_).
+
+  Here's a gift to take and treasure,
+    England's gift as well as mine,
+  Symbol of her clean-spent leisure,
+    Of her youth and strength a sign;
+  Gleams of sunlight on old meadows
+    O'er these varnished toys are cast,
+  And within that box's shadows
+    Stir the triumphs of the Past.
+
+  Still the ancient tale entrances,
+    Giving us in golden dower
+  ULYETT'S drives and IVO's glances,
+    JACKSON'S dash and THORNTON'S power;
+  Skill of LYTTELTONS and LACEYS,
+    Grit of SHREWSBURYS and GUNNS;
+  Pride of STUDDS and STEELS and GRACES
+    Piling up their English runs.
+
+  Take these simple toys as token
+    Of the champions that have been,
+  Stalwart in defence unbroken,
+    Hefty hitters, hitting clean;
+  And, when capped in Life's eleven,
+    May you stand as firm as they;
+  May you, little son of seven,
+    Play the game the English way.
+
+  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It seems to be a ruling passion amongst certain writers
+    to portray anybody connected with commerce as being an
+    ungrammatical ignoramus. Even Kipling panders to this notion
+    in his conception of a drapery assistant in the person of
+    'Kipps.'"--_Draper's Organiser_.
+
+But did not Mr. WELLS do something to redress the balance in _Kim_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, NO. 4?"
+
+"IT'S NO GOOD, INSTRUCTOR; I AIN'T GOT NO HEAD FOR HEIGHTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+The latest of the now so fashionable short-story volumes to come my
+way is one called _Our Casualty, Etc._ (SKEFFINGTON). Much virtue in
+that "_Etc._," which covers other fifteen little tales in the best, or
+nearly the best, "Birmingham" manner. I say "nearly," because for its
+happiest expression the art of "Mr. GEORGE BIRMINGHAM" demands space
+to tangle events into more complicated confusion than can be contrived
+in the dozen pages of these episodes. But within their limitations
+they are all excellent fun, partly concerned with the War (usually
+with an Irishman involved), partly recalled from the piping and
+whisky-drinking times of peace, at Inishmore and elsewhere. One
+can only treat them after the manner of the schoolboy who declined
+to distinguish between the Major and Minor Prophets. But I
+rather specially enjoyed the title-piece, which tells how the
+super-patriotism of an aged volunteer defeated the kindly plans of
+those who would have saved him fatigue by assigning to him the role
+of casualty in a trench-relief practice. Casualties also figure in
+"Getting Even," an improbable but highly entertaining fiction of the
+score practised by an ingenious Medical Officer (Irish, I need hardly
+say) upon an over-zealous C.O., who, to keep him busy during a field
+day, flooded his "clearing station" with all sorts of complicated
+imaginary cases, only to find the fictitious victims arranged
+comfortably in rows under the shade of the trees to await the Padre
+and a burying party, the M.O. reporting that they had all died before
+reaching him. It couldn't possibly happen as here told, but that
+matters little, since, so far as I am concerned, a "Birmingham" tale
+can always well afford to dispense with credibility.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am distinctly grateful to ROSE MACAULAY for _What Not_ (CONSTABLE).
+It brought me the pleasantest end to anything but a perfect English
+Spring day. She has wit, not so common a gift that you can afford
+just to take it for granted; she knows when to stop, selecting not
+exhausting; and she makes her epigrams by the way, as it were,
+without exposing the process of manufacture. (Other epigrammatists
+please copy.) Miss MACAULAY'S "prophetic comedy" is a joyous rag
+of Government office routine, flappery, Pelmania, Tribunals, State
+advertising, the Lower Journalism and "What Not." That audacious
+eugenist, _Nicky Chester_, first Minister of Brains in the post-war
+period of official attempts to raise the nation from C3 to something
+nearer A1 on the intellectual plane, happens, because of his family
+history, to be uncertified for marriage. He also happens to fall very
+desperately in love with his secretary, _Kitty Grammont_, and the
+conflict between duty and desire becomes the theme--perhaps just a
+little too heavy--of an extravaganza that is happiest in its lighter
+and more irreverent moments. Which is to say that _What Not_ wanders
+out of the key. But what on earth does that matter if one is made to
+laugh quite often and to smile almost continuously at a very shrewd
+piece of observation, whimsicality and tempered malice? And you will
+like the serene _Pansy Ponsonby_ (out of "Hullo, Peace!"), who could
+scarcely be called _Kitty's_ "sister-in-law," but was of the most
+faithful. The odd thing is that under all her gibing the author
+seems to have a queer furtive admiration for her precious Ministry
+of Brains.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among the many things I like in DORETHEA CONYERS' novels is the
+artistic subtlety, achieved by few of our other novelists, with which
+she manages to write them as it were in character. I am quite sure
+that if _Berenice Ermyntrude Nicosia Nevin_, who is called by her
+initials on the cover and inside by what they spell, had tried to
+write a novel it would have been remarkably like _B.E.N._ (METHUEN).
+There would have been the same keen delight in horses, hunting and
+Irish scenery, and the same cheerful disregard for such trifles as
+spelling or such conventions as making quite sure that your reader
+knows which character is speaking at any given moment, and the same
+excellent humour, which, if it is at the expense of the Irish, is
+kindly enough for all that. It seems to me that in her new novel Mrs.
+CONYERS, wisely refusing to stray to that suburbia in which her gifts
+lack this charm, has recaptured much of the careless rapture of her
+earliest books; and very careless and very rapturous they wore. But I
+am not quite sure that in real life even _Ben_, when as second whip to
+the East Cara hounds she lost her horse, would have found an aeroplane
+useful to catch up with. In case it should be objected that anything
+so funny as the tea at _Miss Talty's_ never could happen, even in the
+Caher Valley district, I want to put it on record here and now that it
+could and does.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Mystery Keepers_ (LANE), by MARION FOX, reminds me of the old
+riddle, "What is it that has feathers and two legs, and barks like
+a dog?"--the answer being a stork. People who protest that a stork
+doesn't bark like a dog are told that that part is put in to make
+it harder. I find that the greater part of the mystery kept by _The
+Mystery Keepers_ is put in to make it harder. The Abbey at Clynch St.
+Mary has a "coise" put on it by the last Abbess, and every direct
+male heir expires punctually on his twenty-first birthday. The actual
+agency is a poisoned ring concealed in the frame of a portrait of
+the malevolent Abbess and is in the custody of the _Otway_ family,
+who enjoy a prescriptive if nebulous right to be stewards of the
+property. Just how or why the _Otways_--noble fellows, we are given to
+understand--carry out the deceased Abbess's nefarious wishes with such
+precision and despatch is not explained. Anyway the mother of the last
+victim, who has found out the secret, steals the ring, murders the
+_Otway_ of the period, and retires to a lunatic asylum after her son
+has himself stolen the ring from her workbox and poisoned himself into
+the next world. That finishes it. The ring retires to a museum and the
+proper people marry each other. It is a slender and quite impossible
+story, but told in a clever way which goes far to redeem its lack of
+substance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Graftons_ (COLLINS) is a sequel to Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL'S
+former chronicle of the same pleasant family. Herein you shall find
+them, pursuing the even tenor of their prosperous way, father, son and
+charming daughters, and arriving placidly at the point where, in the
+natural sequence of events, these daughters leave the paternal nest
+for others provided by eligible mates. Their courtships, and some mild
+uncertainty as to whether papa _Grafton_, well-preserved and wealthy
+widower, will or will not follow the example of his female offspring,
+provide the entire matter of the book. For the rest Mr. MARSHALL is
+content to mark time (and very pleasantly) with pictures of English
+country life at its most comfortable, and in particular with some
+comedy scenes, excellently done, turning upon the often delicate
+relationship of Hall and Parsonage. There are a couple of clerical
+portraits in the book that seem to me as lifelike as anything of the
+kind since _Barchester_. Apart from this the outstanding virtue of
+the _Graftons_ is the reality of their dialogue. Precisely thus do,
+or did, actual people speak in the quiet old times before the War;
+precisely thus also did nothing whatever of any consequence happen
+to the vast majority of them. Since, however, the truth and charm of
+the tale depend upon this absence of the sensational, I must the more
+regret that Messrs. COLLINS, who have printed it exquisitely, should
+have been betrayed into a coloured wrapper of almost grotesque
+ineptitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Graduation_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) there is an essential femininity
+about Miss IRENE RUTHERFORD McLEOD'S style and general attitude that
+imposes limitations; it is a quality that shows itself not only in
+her plot, but in her characters, the three reputed males who figure
+therein being as fine examples of true womanliness as you need wish
+to meet. _Frieda_ was the heroine (a name somehow significant); and of
+the trouser-wearers, the first, _Geoffrey_, was a cat-like deceiver,
+who fascinated poor _Frieda_ for ends unspecified, pretended (the
+minx!) to be keen on the Suffrage movement, which he wasn't, and
+concealed a wife; the second was a Being too perfect to endure beyond
+Chapter 10, where he expires eloquently of heart-failure, leaving
+_Alan_, the third, to bear the white man's burden and clasp _Frieda_
+to his maidenly heart. This sentimental progress is, I suppose, what
+is implied by the title and the symbolic staircase (if it _is_ a
+staircase?) on the wrapper. But my trouble was that I could never
+discern in the sweet girl-graduate any development of character from
+the pretentious futility of her earliest appearance. Perhaps I am
+prejudiced. Undeniably Miss McLEOD can draw a certain type of prig
+with a horrible facility. But the antiquated modernity of her scheme,
+flooded as it is with the New Dawn of, say, a decade ago, and its
+bland disregard of everything that has happened since, ended by
+violently irritating me. Others may have better luck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Spring has been slow in coming, but I got something more than a whiff
+of actual summer when _Under Blue Skies_ (HUTCHINSON) came my way. Mr.
+DE VERD STACPOOLE is at the top of his form, and it is a real pleasure
+to recommend an author who brings to his tales of adventure so nice
+a sense of style and so keen a feeling for character. In "The Frigate
+Bird" the rapscallions who seize a schooner and, without any knowledge
+of navigation, sail the high seas, are full-blooded adventurers; but
+there is all the difference in the world between the character of the
+educated _Carlyon_ and that of the simple-minded and ignorant _Finn_.
+This yarn occupies nearly half of the book, and the other stories
+should give food for thought to those who allege that no Englishman
+can write a short story. Apart from one charming little tale of a
+haunted French _chateau_ Mr. STACPOOLE allows us to bask here in the
+eternal summer of Pacific skies. I am very grateful for my sun-bath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Poems of the Great War_, by Mrs. ROBERTSON-GLASGOW, readers
+of _Punch_ will recognise some of the best serious poems that have
+appeared in these pages of recent years. The little half-crown volume
+in which they reappear has been admirably printed at S. Aldhelm's
+Home for Boys, Frome, and may be bought at SMITH'S in Kensington High
+Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Voice of Tommy in audience_. "NAH THEN, MATE, WHY
+DON'T YER DIG YERSELF IN?"]
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+156, APRIL 23, 1919
***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 11872.txt or 11872.zip *******
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