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, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 23, 1919
+ +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 2, 2004 [eBook #11872] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 156, APRIL 23, 1919
*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11872-h.htm or 11872-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/7/11872/11872-h/11872-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/7/11872/11872-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 156 + +APRIL 23, 1919 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"Hull electors," declared a Radical contemporary, "have dealt the +Coalition a stinging rebuke." But not, as others claim, the _coupon de +grace_. + + *** + +_À propos_, a Woking butcher was fined last week for being thirty-two +thousand coupons short. The report that he has since received a letter +of condolence from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is not confirmed. + + *** + +A correspondent who has a latchkey would like to hear from a gentleman +who could fit a house to it. + + *** + +A food inspector at Chatham admitted that he could not tell the +difference between No. 1 grade tinned beef and No. 2 grade. The old +plan of calling one grade Rover and the other Fido seems to have been +abolished since the War. + + *** + +The EX-CROWN PRINCE, in a recent interview with a Danish newspaper +man, called LUDENDORFF a liar. LUDENDORFF is believed to be preparing +a crushing rejoinder, in which he calls the EX-CROWN PRINCE a +Hohenzollern. + + *** + +"The new Bolsheviks," says _The Philatelist_, "are fetching eight +shillings a pair." It doesn't say where they are fetching it from, but +it is clear that he loot business has declined since the days of the +old Bolsheviks. + + *** + +The United States Government has purchased four million pounds of +frozen chickens for the American army. They are to be tested by +inspectors before shipment to determine whether they are edible. What +is known in scientific circles as the Soho standard of resilience will +probably be applied. + + *** + +Burglars have broken into an East End moneylender's office. It is not +known definitely how much they lost. + + *** + +The five hundred pounds in notes recently lost by a London hotel guest +have now been recovered. It appears that a waiter had mistaken them +for a gratuity. + + *** + +The Metropolitan police are trying to establish the identity of a man +who can give no account of himself and who knows nothing about the +War. The fact that he was not wearing red tabs only adds to the +mystery. + + *** + +"Some men dance the Jazz dance," says a contemporary, "because it is +stimulating." It is not known why the others do it. + + *** + +A squirrel having been stolen from the Zoo, it is said that the +authorities are taking no further risks, and that in future all lions +and tigers will be securely chained to their cages. + + *** + +It is reported that a much-advertised motor-car, after having its +engine removed, ran for seven miles on its reputation alone. + + *** + +With reference to the report that a service man had received a letter +from the Intelligence Department admitting that a certain mistake was +due to a clerical error, it is now reported that this admission was +due to another oversight. + + *** + +A terrible tragedy was only just averted last week, when a husband, +who had travelled from the City by tube, and his wife, who had been +to the Spring bargain sales, failed to recognise each other on their +return home. + + *** + +The War Office, the Board of Trade and the Zoo have formed a Triple +Alliance for a campaign against rats. As a result of this it is said +that quite a number of the more timid rodents are afraid to go out +alone after dark. + + *** + +The Society of Public Analysts has been asked by the Food Ministry to +define a sausage. A number of pedigree sausages are to be submitted +for classification. + + *** + +The Minister of Foreign Affairs in the late Bavarian Soviet Government +has been placed in a lunatic asylum. The reason for this invidious +distinction is not assigned. + + * * * * * + +MR. CHURCHILL ON THE HULL ELECTION: + + "Nothing in these reactions should be taken by the Government + as in any way deflecting them from their clear and definite + course of reviving the posterity of this country."--_Daily + Telegraph_. + +All very well, but they must get it born first. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old-fashioned humorous Cow_ (_suddenly_). "Moo!" + +_Lady_ (_who all last year was a land-worker_). "Pooh!"] + + * * * * * + +"MUTABILE SEMPER." + + To such as have a humorous bent + Pleasant indeed it was to cull + From rival organs what was meant + By the enlightened vote of Hull; + What process of the mind (if any) drove her + To execute that ludicrous turn-over. + + Some held the Peace was too severe, + And others not severe enough; + The latter cried, "The cause is clear-- + LLOYD GEORGE is made of flabby stuff;" + The former took the line that he had blundered + In letting Fritz (their friend) be grossly "plundered." + + Then came a still small voice which said, + "The thing that sent the coupon West + Was Woman; something in her head + Told her that second thoughts were best; + To Party laws she hasn't learnt to knuckle + (This was the view advanced by Mr. BUCKLE). + + "Men know a 'pledge's' worth by now; + They take it with a touch of salt; + To Woman 'tis a sacred vow, + And for the least alleged default + She gives her Chosen One no minute's grace, + But treats it like a breach-of-promise case." + + O "Ministering Angels," ye + Who yet are mobile as the breeze, + Have you alone the right to be + "Uncertain, coy and hard to please?" + Our Ministerial Angels (GEORGE and kind)-- + Aren't they allowed, poor males, to change their mind? + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE SPOIL-SPORT. + +Mr. Phillybag was demobilised. The Day had come. For months he had +dreamed of the possibility--had imagined the joy and alacrity with +which he would doff his cap, tunic and trousers, service dress, one +each, and resume the decent broadcloth of a successful City solicitor. +Strangely enough, however, once he was actually demobilised he +found himself in no hurry to lose the garb which showed that he, Mr. +Phillybag, had helped, you know, to put the kybosh on the KAISER. He +was proud too of the corporal's stripes which he had gained in a very +short Army career. + +That explains why he was in uniform this morning in his office, when +he opened a letter from Ernest Williams, his former junior clerk. He +remembered Williams well--how in the early days of the War that youth +had seen Lord KITCHENER point his finger from the hoardings at him, +and there and then, discovering that the Ordnance Department possessed +a cap, size 6-7/8, which fitted him, had followed instructions and +immediately commenced to wear it. Now he had written to Mr. Phillybag +to inform him that, as he expected to be demobilised shortly, he was +calling at eleven o'clock to discuss the question of re-entering his +employ. + +Mr. Phillybag rubbed his hands together in satisfaction. He was +looking forward to the interview. Since Armistice Day he had read +every article he could find written on the subject of demobilisation +and its humours; consequently he knew exactly what he was expected +to do. When Williams entered, in all the glory of a Captain's stars, +perhaps even a Major's crown, the ribbon of the D.S.O. or the M.C., or +both, on his breast, he, Corporal Phillybag, would spring smartly to +attention, salute and address his junior clerk as "Sir." + +He chuckled with delight as he visualised the piquant scene. Reseating +himself, he would briskly resume his interrupted work for a moment +while be kept his superior officer waiting. Then-- + +"Mr. Williams to see you, Sir," said one of his clerks. + +"Show him in at once." + +On his appearance Mr. Phillybag suffered a slight recoil, but +recovered himself quickly and exchanged embarrassed greetings. An +awkward pause followed. At length Mr. Phillybag broke it. + +"Williams," he said severely, "I'm surprised at you. Who ever heard +of an employee returning to civil life from the Army with a lower +rank than the one his employer holds? Four years in khaki and only a +lance-corporal! You've spoiled my whole morning. It's men with +careers like yours who make the profession of humorous journalism so +precarious." + + * * * * * + +A SOUVENIR OF COLOGNE. + +"Am I really awake, or is it all a beautiful dream?" I said, pinching +myself to make sure. + +At the other end of the room an unmistakably German band was playing +"Roses of Picardy," while all around me German waiters were running +about deferentially, with trays in their hands. Even as I wondered one +of them approached and laid the bill on my table with a friendly smile +and "Tree mark, bleesir." + +Then I remembered that I was at the British Officers' Club in Cologne. + +"How interested they will be at home," I thought, "when they know +where I am. And of course I must send them souvenirs of my Watch on +the Rhine;" and thoughtfully I produced from my pocket some local +tram-tickets, kept for the younger members of the family, and patted +a box of two-penny cigars encouragingly. These I was going to send to +my brother. + +Then I rose and, paying the bill, went out to purchase a suitable +memento for a younger sister. Slowly I wandered along the crowded +Hohestrasse in the direction of the Opera House, peering into the +shop-windows for something redolent of the land I was in. Presently +a bright-looking sweetshop attracted me. The window contained a +beautiful selection of chocolate-boxes, with pictures of the Cathedral +or the Rhine Maidens on the lids. In I went and selected a handsome +sample, bound with red plush and bordered with sea-shells. But it was +empty. "Nix sweets," said the girl behind the counter, and offered me +the alternative of a bun. Nothing doing, and I passed on. + +Further along the street I stopped before a chemist's shop to regard +a huge pyramid of bottles of eau-de-Cologne displayed in the window. + +"The very thing," I said to myself. "What more appropriate souvenir +than a bottle of the local produce?" + +That was ten days ago, and this morning I received the following +letter:--. + +"Thank you _so_ much for the scent; it was sweet of you, and +arrived safely, only I don't think it _quite_ so nice as the _real_ +eau-de-Cologne which I buy at Brown's shop [Brown is the village +grocer] for three-and-nine a bottle. And he says they must have taken +you in properly with a German imitation called eau-de-_Köln_, and +expects you had to pay a pretty penny for it, though I hope you +didn't, poor boy." + +Reader, I ask you. + + * * * * * + + "INFLUENZA EPIDEMIC--PUBLIC MEETING. + + "In order to comply with the regulations of the Board of + Health, each person attending the meeting must occupy 25 + sq. feet space."--_Australian Paper_. + +"Let me have men about me that are fat."--_Julius Cæsar_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CHEERFUL PACHYDERM. + +ELEPHANT (_faintly intrigued_). "WHO'S THAT TICKLING ME?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PEACE PREPARATIONS. + +_Music-hall Artist_ (_to partner_). "I RECKON WE OUGHT TO INTRODUCE +SOME NEW FEATURE INTO THE TURN, WITH PEACE COMIN'." + +_Partner_. "AH, I'VE BEEN THINKING OF IT TOO. WHAT ABAHT PINK FACINGS +FOR OUR EVENING DRESS?"] + + * * * * * + +THE BLUE HAT. + +Nancy came softly into my study and stood at the side of the desk, +where I was busy with some work on account of which I had stayed away +from the office that morning. + +"Do you like it?" she said. + +I felt a momentary anxiety as I looked up. I had made a bad mistake +only a little time before, having waxed enthusiastic over what I took +to be a new blouse when it was a question of hair-dressing, the blouse +having been worn by my wife, so she solemnly averred, "every evening +for the last two months." + +But this time no mistake was possible. You don't go about the house at +eleven o'clock on a cold Spring morning fancifully arrayed in a pale +blue hat with white feathery things sticking out all round it, unless +there is a particular reason for so doing. + +"I think it's a delightful hat," I said, "and suits you splendidly. +But I thought you never wore blue?" + +"I don't," said Nancy; "that's what makes me rather doubtful. I didn't +really mean to buy it at all. I went in to Marguerite's--you know, +that heavenly shop at the corner of the square"--I nodded; of course +I knew Marguerite's--"to ask the price of a jade-green jumper they +had in the window--oh, my dear, a perfect angel of a jumper!--and they +showed me this. That red-haired assistant almost _made_ me buy it; +said she had never seen me in a hat that suited me so well; and really +it wasn't so very dear. But I _was_ a little doubtful. However--" + +"She was quite right," I said very decidedly. "Did you get the +what-you-may-call-it--the other thing?" + +Nancy's face expressed poignant anguish. + +"Twelve guineas," she said. "I simply couldn't run to it. Of course I +was heart-broken. Still, it wasn't as if I really needed anything just +now. It would have been ridiculous extravagance. But it really was an +angel." + +She turned to go, stopping a moment on the way out to have another +look at herself in the little round mirror over the mantel-piece. + +"I'm not quite happy about it," I heard her murmur as she went out. + +The next morning I found a letter waiting for me at the office which +brought me news of a totally unexpected windfall of some fifty odd +pounds. It was a sunny morning, too, with a distinct feeling of Spring +in the air. + +I felt like being extravagant, and my mind flew at once to Nancy and +her jade-green--what was the name of the thing?--that she had wanted +so badly. + +I left the office early, and on my way home managed to summon up +sufficient courage to carry me through the discreetly curtained doors +of Madame Marguerite's _recherché_ establishment, devoutly hoping that +the nervous sinking which I felt about my heart was not reflected in +my outer demeanour. + +The red-haired girl, in spite of a curiously detached and supercilious +air, as who should say, "Take it or leave it; it concerns me not in +the least," which at first rather alarmed me, was really quite kind +and helpful. + +"Something in jade-green that Moddom admired? A hat perhaps?" + +No, I knew it was not a hat. I murmured something about twelve +guineas. This seemed to be enlightening. + +Ah, yes, a jumper probably. They had had a jade-green jumper at that +price, she believed. If I would sit down for a moment she would send +someone to see if it were still unsold. + +I felt very anxious while I waited, but the emissary presently +returned with the garment over her arm. + +Yes, that was undoubtedly the one. She remembered how much Moddom had +admired it. It had suited Moddom so well too. + +While it was being packed up, for I decided to take it with me, a +small boy arrived with several hat-boxes, which he put down on the +floor. + +Red-hair proceeded to unpack them, carefully, almost reverently, +extracting the hats from the folds of surrounding tissue-paper and +placing them one by one in various cupboards and drawers. Presently +she drew forth from one of the boxes--I felt sure I was not +mistaken--that very blue hat which I had admired only the day before +upon the head of my wife. + +I gave an involuntary exclamation. Red-hair looked at me. + +"Surely," I said, feeling inwardly rather proud at recognising it +again--"surely that hat is exactly like one that my wife bought +yesterday." + +Red-hair was hurt. "It is the same hat," she said coldly. "We never +make two models alike." + +I tried to mollify her. "I can't understand her sending it back," I +said. "I think it's an extremely pretty hat, and it suits her so well. +But perhaps there was some alteration necessary. It may not have quite +fitted or something?" + +Red-head dived gracefully into the box and drew forth a note from the +tissue-paper billows. + +A faint flicker expressive of I knew not what hidden emotion seemed to +pass for one moment over her aristocratic features as she read it. But +it vanished instantaneously, and she turned to me with her previous +air of haughty and imperturbable aloofness. + +"Moddom is not keeping the hat," she said. + +I felt somehow a little snubbed, and said no more, and, my parcel +appearing at this moment, I paid and departed. + +Nancy's joy over the jumper more than came up to my expectations. When +she had calmed down a little I bethought myself of the matter of the +hat. + +"Oh, yes," said Nancy in reply to my question, "I sent it back after +all. It won't matter in the least now that you have bought this." + +"But why didn't you keep it?" I said. + +"Well, I really felt I didn't like it so very much," said Nancy, "and, +as you didn't seem quite to like it either--" + +"My dear girl," I protested, "I told you I thought it was charming." + +"Well, anyway you said that blue didn't suit me," persisted my wife. +"You _did_, George." + +There was a moment's pause. It was no use saying anything. Suddenly +Nancy jumped up and clutched me by the arm. + +"George," she said anxiously, "you didn't, you didn't say anything +about that hat to the girl in the shop, did you?" + +"I believe I mentioned that I thought it was extremely pretty, and +that I was sorry you weren't keeping it," I replied airily. "But why?" +For my wife's face had suddenly assumed an expression of horrified +dismay. + +"I shall never be able to go into that shop again," she wailed, +"never. I wrote them a note saying that I was not keeping the hat +because _my husband very much disliked it_, and that I didn't care +ever to wear anything of which he didn't approve." + +What is really very unfair about the whole thing is that I know +that Nancy thinks me entirely to blame. Indeed she told me so. When +I ventured to point out that she had not been quite truthful in +the matter she was at first genuinely and honestly amazed, and +subsequently so indignant that I was fain ultimately to apologise. + +In looking back upon the episode I am filled with admiration for +the red-haired girl. I consider that she showed extraordinary +self-restraint in what must have been a peculiarly tempting situation. + +R.F. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing +steamer's red and green lights_). "'ERE'S SOME LIGHTS ON THE STARBOARD +SIDE, SIR." + +_Officer_. "WELL, WHAT IS IT?" + +_R.H_. "LOOKS TO ME LIKE A CHEMIST'S SHOP, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +SMALL-TALK. + +"Of course you must come," said Mary; "it's nonsense to say you can't +dance." + +Mary is married to my first cousin, Thomas. I looked at Thomas, but +saw no hope of support. Thomas labours under the delusion that he can +jazz. + +"It isn't only the dancing," I protested; "it's the conversational +strain. Besides, as one of the original founders of the League to +Minimise Gossip amongst General Staff Officers--" + +"Rot!" said Thomas; "you simply let your partners do the talking. +You needn't even listen. Just say 'Quite' in your most official tone +whenever you hear them saying nothing." + +Thomas, although my first cousin, is not bright; but I had to go. + +For the first few dances I escaped; the crowd round the door was +so dense that I saw at once that I should be trampled to death if +I attempted to enter. Then I was caught by Mary and introduced to +a total stranger. + +I suppose there are people who do not mind kicking a total stranger +round the room to the strain of cymbals, a motor siren and a +frying-pan. I fancy the lady expressed a desire to stop, but as her +words were lost in the orchestral pandemonium I realised that as long +as the dulcet chords continued conversation was impossible; so we +danced on. + +Fortunately too, when the interval came, she was full of small-talk. + +"Isn't the floor good? And I always like this band." + +"Quite," said I. + +"Rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses to give a dance." + +"Quite," said I. + +"Especially when their eldest boy, the one, you know, who was so +frightfully good at golf or something, has just got into a mess +with--" + +"Quite," said I, while she plunged into a flood of reminiscences. +She did not ask whether I could jazz, mainly, I think, because I had +already danced with her. I concentrated my thoughts on the best means +of avoiding Mary when the music began again, and just threw in an +occasional "Quite" to keep the lady in a good temper. + +But there was no escaping Mary. + +"You _must_ go and dance with Miss Carter," she told me, adducing +incontrovertible arguments. I am terrified of Miss Carter, who can +only be described as "statuesque" and always does the right thing +(which makes her crushing to the verge of discourtesy). I am always +being asked if I know whether she is "only twenty-two." It was not +without satisfaction that I initiated her into my style of dancing. + +To my horror, when we stopped she sat in silence, regarding me with +an air of expectant boredom. I racked my brains. + +"Good floor, isn't it?" said I. + +"Quite," said Miss Carter. + +"Jolly good band too." + +"Quite," said Miss Carter. + +"And rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses, don't you think?" + +She said it again. By this time I felt convinced that all the other +couples within hearing were listening to us. Miss Carter is that sort +of person. + +"Of course," I said with a nervous laugh, "it's rather absurd for me +to say anything about it, because, you know, dancing isn't much in my +line." + +"Quite," said Miss Carter. + +That settled it; I felt I must stop her at all costs. I cleared my +throat and spoke as distinctly as I could. + +"I'm always being asked a conundrum, Miss Carter, and you're the one +person who can tell me the true answer. Am I permitted to ask it?" + +"Quite," said Miss Carter, for the first time almost smiling. I +plucked up courage. + +"It's this: how old are you?" + +She stopped herself just in time. Her answer was given in a tone +which expressed at the same time her contempt for my breach of the +conventions and the fact that she was too indifferent to think me +worth snubbing. + +"Twenty-two," said she. + +"Quite," said I. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HAIR DONE, MADAM?" + +"WELL, I WANT TO GET IT DEBOBBED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."] + + * * * * * + +THE CAREER (POSTPONED). + +MY DEAR JAMES,--A few weeks ago I wrote to tell you that ere long the +military machine would be able to spare one of its cogs--myself. I +discussed possible careers in civil life, and since then I had almost +decided on "filbert-grower." Had things gone well, by the beginning of +June you should have received a first instalment of forced filberts. + +Now this cannot be. The cog is shown to be indispensable. I must +remain a soldier. + +Why do they want me, James? I am nothing like a soldier. I cannot +click my heels as other men do. I try, Heaven knows how I try, but all +the C.O. hears is a sound as of two cabbages being slapped together. +And my word of command! The critics say it is like a cry for help in +a London fog. + +My haversack contains no trace of any Field-Marshal's baton. You are +aware that every private soldier's haversack is issued complete with +"Batons, one, Field-Marshal (potential), for the use of." But there is +no authority for such an issue for commissioned ranks. + +Is it because of my manner with men and my powers as a disciplinarian? +I fear not. If a man is brought before me for summary jurisdiction a +lump rises in my throat and I want to cry. I am always sure he didn't +mean to do it. As for military law, I am shaky on the fines for +drunkenness, and I don't feel at all sure whether death at dawn or two +extra fatigues is the maximum punishment for having one string of the +hold-all longer than the other when on active service. + +When I kicked the bell-push towards the end of last guest-night the +Adjutant said he should mark me down for the job of Physical Training +Officer; but I hope he was only joking. I am not built for the work. +My frame is puny and my countenance irresolute. I hate bending and +stretching my arms; they creak and frighten me. I never could squat on +my heels like a thingummy. + +I might, if allowed, make a hit as Messing Officer. With the aid of +my Cookery Course notes I can differentiate between no fewer than +thirty-four different types of rissole. Unfortunately we already have +a Messing Officer of deadly efficiency. He can classify dripping by +instinct. He can memorise at sight all the revolting contents of a +swill-tub. My rissole lore is a poor asset in comparison. + +No, James, I think I have it. One day you will read that our Armies +of Occupation consist of so many hundred thousands of all ranks, +including, perhaps, 35,001 officers. That is why they retain me. +I shall be the "1" at the end of the thousands. It is your humble +servant's function to keep the Armies of Occupation up to strength. + +Are we to be robbed of the fruits of victory? The reply is in the +negative. Therefore, when next June comes along and you yearn for +the early filberts, do not be fretty. Remember that I am gathering +in fruits of another and a nobler kind. Yours ever, + +WILLIAM. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SORRY, MUM, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU'LL 'AVE TER STAY +UPSTAIRS 'COS THE AFFILIATED SOCIETY OF PIANNER-SHIFTERS 'AS CALLED A +GENERAL STRIKE THIS MINNIT."] + + * * * * * + +NEW BREAD FOR OLD. + + ["New Bread Again"--"Loaves of Any Shape."--_Headlines from a + Daily Paper_.] + + As I walked forth in Baker Street + As sober as a Quaker, + Whom did I have the luck to meet? + I met a jolly Baker. + His voice was gay, his eye was bright, + His step was light and airy, + His face and arms were powdered white-- + I think he was a fairy; + He danced beneath the April moon, + And as he danced he trolled + Wild snatches of an ancient rune, + Yet all the burden of his tune + Was "New--Bread--for Old!" + + Quoth I: "Whence got you, lad, a heart + So glad that you must show it?" + Quoth he: "The Baker hath his art + No less, Sir, than the Poet; + I tell ye, I'm so blithe to-night + I'd paint the old Moon's orb red! + Oh, think ye that I took delight + For years in baking war-bread? + One shape, one colour and one size, + By Government controlled? + But now all this to limbo flies; + What wonder that to-night I cries + 'New--Bread--for Old?' + + "Good Sir, the Baker hath a soul + And loves to make bread pleasant-- + The Twist, the long Vienna Roll, + The Horseshoe and the Crescent, + The Milk, the Tin, the lovely loaf + Where currants one discovers, + The Wholemeal for the country oaf, + The Knot for all true lovers. + So, till upon the glowing East + The sun in red and gold + Comes forth to bake the daily feast, + I'll cry with heart as light as yeast, + 'New--Bread--for Old!'" + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN ICARUS. + + "After an hour's flight over the frozen Conception Bay and + the town of St. John's, Mr. Hawker made a perfect landing. He + appeared more than over confident of success."--_Daily Paper_. + + "General admiration and sympathy is extended to Mr. Tawker + due to his frankness regarding his progress towards making + the trans-ocean flight."--_Sunday Paper_. + +We trust our contemporaries are not in a conspiracy to represent the +gallant aviator as a hot-air man. + + * * * * * + + "Presently, when aviation becomes a commonplace, the fares + will come down."--_Daily Dispatch_. + +That's just what makes us so nervous. + + * * * * * + +PEACE TERMS. + +BEING SOME LETTERS OF MRS. PARTINGTON TO HER SISTER. + + [Conferences between mistresses and servants are being held in + various parts of the country to discuss terms of peace in the + domestic world.] + +_Puddleford_. + +DEAR MOIRA,--We haven't got a servant yet, but we are clutching at +a new hope. There is to be a conference here between mistresses +and maids, to discuss and readjust the servants' rights and the +mistresses' wrongs--or is it the other way about? Anyhow, I shall +attend that conference. I shall bribe, plead, consent to any +arrangement if I can but net a cook-general. Ten months of doing +my own washing-up has brought me to my knees, while Harry says the +performance of menial duties has crushed his spirit. + +Of course, Harry does make such a fuss of things. You might think, to +hear him talk, that the getting up of coal, lighting fires, chopping +wood and cleaning flues was the entire work of a household, instead +of being mere incidents in the daily routine. If he had to tackle _my_ +duties--but men never seem to understand how much there is to do in a +house. + +I will tell you about the conference when I write again. + +Yours always, DODO. + + +_Puddleford_. + +DEAR MOIRA,--The conference was a most interesting affair; the one +going on in Paris could never be half so thrilling. There was a goodly +attendance of servants, and they had their own spokeswoman. We spoke +for ourselves--those of us who were not too dazed at the sight of so +many "treasures" almost within our grasp. + +What the servants wanted was not unreasonable. They chiefly demanded a +certain time to themselves during the day, with fixed hours for meals, +evening free, etc. + +Then Mrs. Boydon-Spoute got up--you know how that woman loves to +hear herself talk--and said that such demands were outrageous. (It's +easy for her to raise objections. She has somehow paralysed her two +servants into staying with her for over ten years.) She pointed out +that under such conditions the servant would have more freedom than +the mistress; and to allow the working classes to thus get the upper +hand was nothing short of encouraging Bolshevism in the home. Dreadful +thing to say, wasn't it? + +The servants got rather restive at that. When I thought of the two +days' washing-up waiting for me at home I retorted with spirit that +servants had as much right to freedom as we, and it was our duty to +guard their interests--and lots of inspired things like that, glaring +at Mrs. Boydon-Spoute the while. + +I spoke so well that a cook-general offered herself to me as soon as +the conference was over. She comes in on Monday. + +Yours in transports, DODO. + + +_Puddleford_. + +DEAR MOIRA,--Emma, the new maid, has arrived. Harry is as relieved +as I am and was quite cheerful while I was dressing the gash he had +inflicted on his hand while chopping wood. Isn't it strange that men +can never give the slightest assistance in the house without getting +themselves hurt in some way? + +Emma promises to be a treasure. If mistresses would only show a little +humanity there never would be any servant trouble at all. It is people +like Mrs. Boydon-Spoute who are responsible for it. + +Yours, purring content, DODO. + + +_Puddleford._ + +DEAR MOIRA,--I am sorry not to have written for such a long time. I +have been so extremely busy. + +You see, when Emma has had her two hours free daily, her +hour-and-a-half off for dinner, with half-an-hour for other meals, +every evening out as well as two afternoons a week, you would be +surprised what little leisure is left to her for the housework. + +She gets in what she can, of course, and I do the rest. Doing the +rest, by the way, takes up a great deal of my time. But I generally +have an hour free in the evenings. + +Your brave DODO. + + +_Puddleford_. + +DEAR MOIRA,--I am glad to say Emma has gone and I am putting my name +down at a registry-office in the usual way. It's too much of a strain +having "conference" girls in the home. + +Who was it said that if we are to allow the working classes to get the +upper hand it was nothing short of encouraging Bolshevism in the home? +Anyhow, I think he--or perhaps it was she--must be right. + +I must close rather hastily. I have just heard a terrific crash in the +kitchen; I'm afraid Harry has dropped something on his foot _again_. + +Your long-suffering DODO. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. ----, like a fatherly hen, hovered over all, satisfying + himself that nothing had been omitted that could detract from + their comfort."--_Egyptian Mail._ + +We cannot imagine any hen, however unsexed, behaving like that. + + * * * * * + +RHYMES OF RANK. + + Vice-Admirals command a base; + Their forms blend dignity with grace. + You never see the smallest trace + Of levity upon the face + Of one who wears a Vice's lace. + For Admirals to romp and race + Or frolic in a public place + Is held to be a great disgrace; + I do not think a single case + Of this has happened at our base. + + The Commodore, the Commodore + Is very popular ashore; + He can relate an endless store + Of yarns which scarcely ever bore + Till they are told three times or more. + The ladies young and old adore + This man who bathed in Teuton gore + And practically won the War; + But once, a fact I much deplore, + A General was heard to snore + While seated near the Commodore. + + The Captain dwells aloof, alone; + He has a cabin of his own; + And should the smallest nose be blown, + Though softly and with dulcet tone, + In earshot of this sacred zone + The very ship herself would groan. + Yes, Captains (though but flesh and bone + Like little snotties, be it known) + Are best severely left alone. + + Commanders are a stern-eyed folk + Who may or may not take a joke; + It really isn't safe to poke + Light fun at any three-ringed bloke; + You may be sorry that you spoke. + Their ways are proud; they sport the oak; + They are not tame enough to stroke; + I greatly dread these grim-eyed folk. + + Lieutenants of the R.N.V. + Were born and bred on land, not sea, + And ancient mariners like me + With sly grimace and winks of glee + Would watch them when the winds blew free, + Or send them down a cup of tea. + But soon their deeds became their plea + For standing with the Big Navee + In equal fame and dignity: + While even Subs. R.N. agree + They're better than they used to be, + These Looties of the R.N.V. + + Sub-Loots are nothing if not sports; + The nicest girls in all the ports + Declare they are the best of sorts + And useful on the tennis-courts. + In gun-rooms, where their rank resorts, + They bandy quips and shrewd retorts, + And swig champagne, not pints but quarts. + I said at first that they were sports. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Headmaster_ (_interviewing new boy_). "AT WHAT SCHOOL +WERE YOU LAST, MY BOY?" + +_New Boy_. "P-P-PLEASE, SIR, AT A ST-T-T-TAMMERING T-TUTOR'S"; (_feels +he is not making the best of himself_) "B-BUT THEY T-TAUGHT OTHER +THINGS BESIDES ST-T-T-TAMMERING."] + + * * * * * + +WITH THE RED GUARDS. + + A good deal of curiosity exists regarding the management of + the Bolshevik army, in which it is stated that discipline + does not exist. A copy of Battalion Orders may therefore be + of interest: + +_BATTALION ORDERS_ + +BY MAJOR TROTOFF + +(COMMANDING THE 22ND BATTALION THE RED GUARDS). + +(1) DETAIL. + +Disorderly Officer--LOOT VODKAWITCH. + +Next for duty (if so disposed): LOOT PUTAWAYSKY. + +(2) PARADES. + +The Battalion (or such of it as has no other engagement) will parade +as strong as possible on the Peter-and-Paulsky Prospekt, at 10.30 A.M. +for 9.30 A.M. + +DRESS. + +Barging order, with rifles, razors, knives, pokers and horsewhips. + +The following scheme will be carried out:-- + +_General Idea_.--A few families of the Bourgeois class have taken up +a position in certain cellars in West End of City. Patrols report that +they still possess a few valuables. + +_Special Idea_.--The O.C. invites the Battalion to occupy district and +help itself. + +(3) COMMAND. + +The Second in Command of this unit regrets to announce that he found +it necessary to sentence his Commanding Officer to forty-two days No. +1 F.P. for attempting to maintain discipline; the Second in Command +therefore assumes command of this unit in the absence of the C.O. now +serving sentence. + +(4) COURSE. + +Would a few officers mind being detailed for the +hundred-and-twenty-first course in the use of Private House Grenades, +13th of this month? + +(5) BOOTS, BOLSHEVISTS FOR THE USE OF, ISSUE OF. + +The Quartermaster would be greatly obliged if private gentlemen of +the Battalion requiring boots would favour him with a visit at any +time during the day or night. + +If not inconvenient to them it would be a kindness if they let him +know what they take. + +NOTICE. + +The Officer at present in command of the Battalion has pleasure in +announcing that the private residence of the Commanding Officer, +which contains a large number of objects of great beauty and value, +is through its owner's unavoidable absence at present unguarded. + +In these circumstances the O.C. is pleased to grant an extension to +all ranks until twelve midnight. + +P. PIPSKY, + +_Captain and Agitant_. + + * * * * * + +A SUPER-MORMON. + + "A Nelson soldier in a letter states that General ---- + informed his unit that he had 2,000 wives to ship out to New + Zealand, and another 2,000 would be ready to leave England + during the next few months."--_New Zealand Paper_. + + * * * * * + + There was an industrial freak, + As a labourer sadly to seek; + But he leapt into fame + By preferring a claim + For a general Ten-Minutes' Week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Vicar_ (_to parishioner who has violent quarrels +with her neighbour_), "MRS. CRABBE SENT A MESSAGE THAT SHE HAS QUITE +FORGIVEN YOU. WHAT MESSAGE CAN I TAKE TO HER?" + +_Parishioner_. "YOU CAN SAY I 'OPE SHE'LL DIE 'APPY."] + + * * * * * + +FEARFUL ODDS. + + There's no fear that strikes so dumb, + None so hard to overcome, + As the thought that there are two + Eyes that _may_ be watching you. + Here's a perfect illustration + Of that sickening sensation. + + Young Lieutenant Jimmy Spry's + Power resided in his eyes; + He'd been able all his days + To revolve them different ways. + For example, let's suppose + That the right one watched his nose, + Then the left--you'll think it queer-- + Turned towards his dexter ear. + But what really made him great + Was--he always _saw_ things straight. + + Out in France, a year ago, + He was cornered by the foe; + Neither party had a gun, + But the odds were three to one + And the Huns were fit and strong; + One was lean and very long, + One was short and stout of calf, + While the third was half and half. + + Jimmy, spoiling for a fight, + Fixed the short one with his right, + While his left with martial glare + Met the long 'un's startled stare; + But--I know it sounds absurd-- + He was _looking_ at the third. + + Jimmy was, I'd have you know, + Something of a boxing pro., + So he knew the golden maxim: + "He who eyes his man best whacks him." + Shorty, when he saw the grim + Optic that was turned on him, + Thinking Jimmy's fist looked hard + Prudently remained on guard. + Canny Hun! And who can blame + Longshanks if he did the same? + But our hero, irritated, + Grassed the third man while they waited. + + Filled with rage and anger, both + Rushed upon him with an oath, + Eager now to slit the gizzard + Of that astigmatic wizard, + Till they noticed with dismay + _Both_ his eyes were far away! + (One eye sought the earth, while one + Seemed to contemplate the sun.) + + Both stopped dead; the same cold thought + At their jangling heart-strings caught. + Longshanks, trembling at the knee, + Quavered, "Hans, he's watching _me_!" + Shorty whimpered, scared to fits, + "No, it's _me_ he's after, Fritz!" + Sick with fear, their souls revolted; + As one man they turned and bolted. + + At them Spry in mild amaze + (Literally) bent his gaze, + Sighed, and then without a word + Wandered homeward with the third. + + * * * * * + +BAR BABIES. + + [Lord Justice BANKS recently referred to the possible + establishment of a Law Courts' _crêche_, where the female + barrister might leave her young while engaged in forensic + duties.] + +_From "The Law Times" of 192--._ + + "A Violent altercation took place yesterday in the room + allotted to infants of the Junior Bar (adjoining the Court + of Pathetic Appeal) between his nurse and little Johnnie, + the teething infant of Mrs. Flapperton, who, by the way, + we noticed being measured only the other day for silk. The + Court Husher having failed to produce silence, Mrs. Justice + Spankhurst had to intervene, and only succeeded in restoring + order by threatening to have the _crêche_ cleared." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RECKONING. + +PAN-GERMAN. "MONSTROUS, I CALL IT. WHY, IT'S FULLY A QUARTER OF WHAT +_WE_ SHOULD HAVE MADE _THEM_ PAY, IF _WE_'D WON."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, April 14th_.--The Criminal Injuries (Ireland) Bill furnished +the LORD CHANCELLOR with the text for a rather gloomy sermon on the +present state of the sister-country. The King's Writ still runs there, +but in many counties is outstripped by the rival _fiat_ of Sinn Fein. +A tribute to the impeccable behaviour of "law-abiding" Ulster appeared +to stir in the breast of Lord CREWE memories of the pre-war prancings +of a certain "Galloper," for he remarked that the noble lord's +information seemed to be "partial and recent." + +Exception has recently been taken to the cab-shelter in Palace Yard, +some Members objecting that its architectural design was out of +harmony with that of the Houses of Parliament, and others complaining +that its internal attractions were so great as to seduce the taxi-men +from paying any attention to prospective fares. Sir ALFRED MOND, after +long consideration, has decided to abolish the offending edifice +and to give the drivers a shelter in the Vaults, where the police +will discourage them from exceeding in the matter of "rest and +refreshment." + +Members were naturally eager to hear what Mr. BONAR LAW, freshly +flown from Paris, had to tell them about the Peace Conference, the +prospects of hanging the EX-KAISER, and so forth, but received little +information, save that the Government shared the popular desire that +no legal quibble should prevent the arch-criminal being brought to +justice. Members were a little comforted, however, by the announcement +that a Committee of the Cabinet is already considering the whole +question of Peace-celebrations. While Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is engaged (if +the image is permitted) in fighting beasts at Ephesus it is pleasant +to think of his colleagues deciding upon the relative merits of +crackers and Catherine-wheels, flares and bonfires, church-bells and +steam-sirens, as means for the expression of the national joy. + +[Illustration: SIR A. MOND AND AN EFFICIENT CAB SERVICE FOR MEMBERS. + +At a blast on whistle the cab-drivers will down tea-cups, cake, +kippers or what-not, and double smartly on to parade.] + +After the loud orgy of headline which followed upon his remarkable +victory at Central Hull, Commander KENWORTHY might reasonably +have expected that his entry into the House would have produced an +uproarious scene of demonstration and counter-demonstration. But there +was nothing of the kind. The jubilant "Wee Frees," of course, cheered +as one man, but the volume of sound produced was not appreciably +greater than if one man had cheered; and the crowded Coalitionists +sat gloomily silent, though no doubt they thought a lot. The gallant +Commander has already introduced one pleasing innovation into the +procedure of the House, for, before signing the Roll, he nodded +cheerfully to the ladies in the Gallery, as if to say, "But for you +I shouldn't be here!" + +Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN, who at Question-time had regretfully +admitted that the Government were withdrawing soldiers from +agriculture at a moment when they were particularly required, now +moved the Second Reading of the Bill which is intended to give them +the chance of going back to the land in perpetuity. In spite of his +warning that the cost of the land to be acquired was a comparatively +minor part of the expense, Members vied with one another in +denouncing the iniquity of allowing the land-owner to get the present +market-value of his property; and the landlords' representatives +themselves hastened to declare that such a preposterous notion +never entered their heads. The Bill was read a second time without +a division. I don't suppose it will provide land for anything +approaching the eight hundred thousand soldiers who are said to +be pining for it; but it ought to satisfy the relatively small +proportion who, after hearing about the trials and hardships of +a small-holder--no forty-eight hours' week for him!--retain their +agricultural aspirations. + +_Tuesday, April 15th_.--In a couple of hours the Lords disposed of +several Bills, enjoyed a scientific debate on neurasthenia--described +by a correspondent of Lord KNUTSFORD as "a gas escaping from +people"--discussed the prices of milk and cheese, and still found time +for the consideration of their own procedure. Lord CURZON said the +suggestion that the House should sit on more days in the week had not +been favourably received. Friday would not do, as their Lordships went +out of town on that day, and Monday was equally inconvenient, as they +could not contrive to get back by then. To earlier sittings the LORD +CHANCELLOR objected on behalf of his legal colleagues. So it looks as +if there would be no change, and since, _teste_ Lord SALISBURY, the +House does its work admirably, why should there be? + +Remembering a famous speech on the presumption of certain organs +of the Press, the Commons were not surprised to learn from Mr. +CHAMBERLAIN, _à propos_ of the beer-tax, that he is not responsible +for what may appear in _The Times_. + +There is still something of "the eternal boy" in Major WEDGWOOD +BENN. It was with an air of "Now I've got him" that he propounded the +question, "Is paper a raw material or a manufactured article?" But +Mr. BRIDGEMAN can always solve these Cobdenite conundrums, and quietly +replied, "Both." Whereupon Major BENN, with an engaging blush, retired +from the fray. + +In moving the second reading of the Aliens Restriction Bill the +HOME SECRETARY said that, while national safety must be the first +consideration, no unnecessary hardship should be inflicted on our +foreign immigrants. But his proposal that the Government should rest +contented with its present powers for another two years met with +little favour from Members whose knowledge of history seems to date +from 1914. In the opinion of Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who led the Opposition, +every alien was _prima facie_ undesirable; Sir ERNEST WILD, from +his experience in the criminal courts, took the same view, and +patriotically demanded the exclusion from our shores of persons whose +principal occupation, we gathered, was to furnish him with briefs +for the defence; and Mr. JOYNSON HICKS, Mr. BILLING and Sir R. COOPER +urged that the SHORTT way with aliens should be made considerably +shorter. Before this massed attack the HOME SECRETARY gave way and +agreed to reduce the operation of the Bill to one year. + +The temperature of the House rose so appreciably during the debate as +to upset the nerves of some of the ladies in the Strangers' Gallery. +At least that is the charitable explanation of the behaviour of Miss +SYLVIA PANKHURST and her friends, who interrupted a discussion on +soldiers' pensions by shouting out, "You are a gang of murderers!" + +_Wednesday, April 16th_.--A crowded House, the Peers' Gallery full to +overflowing, the HEIR-APPARENT over the Clock, and the new Editor of +_The Times_ among the representatives of the Press--the PRIME MINISTER +could have desired no better setting for his speech upon the labours +of the Peace Conference. His original intention was to hold his forces +in reserve and invite his critics to "fire first," but, as none of +these gentlemen seemed to be particularly anxious to go "over the +top," Mr. LLOYD GEOEGE obligingly altered his battle-plan and himself +delivered the opening fusillade. + +That he was in no apologetic mood was shown in almost his first +sentence. His declaration that indemnities were a difficult +problem, "not to be settled by telegram," evoked resounding cheers. +Thenceforward he held the sympathy of the House, whether he was +describing the difficulties of the Peace Conference, or reconciling +the apparent inconsistencies of its Russian policy, or inveighing +against the attempts of certain newspapers to sow dissension among the +Allies. "I would rather have a good Peace than a good Press" was one +of his most telling phrases, and it was followed by a character-sketch +of his principal newspaper-critic which in pungency left nothing to be +desired. "What a journalist I could have made of him!" the recluse of +Fontainebleau will doubtless remark when he reads the passage. + +The PRIME MINISTER'S object, I imagine, was less to impart information +than to create an atmosphere; and he was so far successful that +the House showed little inclination to listen to other speakers. +Nevertheless several of them devoted some hours to saying nothing +in particular before the House mercifully adjourned for the Easter +Recess. + + * * * * * + + "The Postmaster-General, in a written answer, states that + arrangements are now in hand for the improvement, where + circumstances permit, of postal services which have been + curtained as a result of war conditions."--_Scots Paper_. + +As for the telephone service, we can well believe that he would prefer +the veil to be kept over that. + + * * * * * + +A GERMLESS EDEN. + + The antiseptic baby and the prophylactic pup + Were playing in the garden when the bunny gambolled up; + They looked upon the creature with a loathing undisguised, + For he wasn't disinfected and he wasn't sterilized. + They said he was a microbe and a hotbed of disease; + They steamed him in a vapour of a thousand odd degrees, + They froze him in a freezer that was cold as banished hope, + They washed him with permanganate and carbolated soap, + + With sulphuretted hydrogen they bathed his wiggly ears; + They trimmed his frisky whiskers with a pair of hard-boiled shears; + Then they donned their rubber mittens and they took him by the hand + And elected him a member of the fumigated band. + Now there's not a micrococcus in the garden where they play + And they bathe in pure iodoform a dozen times a day, + Taking each his daily ration from a hygienic cup, + The baby and the bunny and the prophylactic pup. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF PEACE CELEBRATIONS IS BEING CONSIDERED +BY A COMMITTEE OF THE CABINET.] + + * * * * * + +RAPID PROMOTION. + + "Cpl. A.A.C. Earl of Shaftesbury, K.P., K.C.V.O., relinquishes + his appt. (March 1), and is granted the hon. rank of + Brig.-Gen."--_Daily Paper_. + + * * * * * + +FROM THE STREET OF ADVENTURE. + +Journalistic reconstructions and amalgamations have been proceeding +so rapidly and extensively of late that there seems no end to the +kaleidoscopic possibilities of the future. + +Up to the present, however, no confirmation can be obtained of +the startling rumor that _The Spectator_ has been purchased by the +proprietors of _The Kennel Gazette_, and will henceforth be devoted +to the interests of our four-footed friends, the supplements being +restricted to purely feline amenities. + +Another persistent rumour, which hitherto lacks the seal of official +corroboration, is to the effect that _The Guardian_ is to be given a +new range of activity as the organ of scientific spiritualism, under +the title of _The Guardian Angel_ and the joint editorship of Sir +Oliver Doyle and Sir Conan Lodge. The investigations into multiple +consciousness conducted by these two eminent _savants_ have proved +their mutual convertibility to such an extent that they have decided +upon this rearrangement of their names. If the scheme materialises +the stimulating collaboration of Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE is a foregone +conclusion, and there is even a possibility of contributions from +an August Exile somewhere in Holland. + +A third report maintains with minute circumstantiality that the +proprietors of _The Economist_, having come to the conclusion that +this journal needs brightening, have decided to entrust the post of +principal leader-writer to "CALLISTHENES," and retain the services of +the authoress of _The Tunnel_ as financial _feuilleton_ writer. But +on enquiry at the London School of Economics we could not obtain any +definite information. + +The rumours that _The Morning Post_ is about to be merged in _The +Winning Post_, and that Mr. MAXSE is starting an evening paper, to be +called _The Job and Caviller_, are extremely interesting, but need to +be received with a certain amount of caution. + + * * * * * + + "Two-seater Motor-car. 7-9 h.p., in perfect running order, + Bosch magneto, Michelin tyres, spare wheel and accessories, + Axminster and Brussels carpets, stair carpeting, lino., + kitchen utensils, dinner service, copper chafing dish, pots, + pans, lawn mower, deck chairs, &c., nearly new mangle, and + numerous other effects."--_Local Paper_. + +Just the car for the _White Knight_ when he takes to motoring. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Excited Officer_ (_in demobilisation special_). "I +_KNEW_ THE COUNTRY WAS GRATEFUL! LOOK AT THAT OLD CHAP WAVING HIS HOE +AT US!"] + + * * * * * + +BABLINGO. + +It has been suggested to me that the time has come for a comprehensive +investigation of the interesting language known as Bablingo. Materials +for this are ready for use in every home that still possesses a +nursery with an inmate not more than two years of age. I must premise +that it is the inmate's mother and the inmate's nurse, not the actual +inmate, who use the language. Some day, no doubt, there will arise +an investigator who will reduce to order and catalogue the inchoate +efforts of an infant to make itself understood by talking. These +efforts are doubtless of high interest to the etymologist, but the +difficulties of the task are at present too great, and in any case I +am not the man to undertake it. + +I shall content myself for the moment with setting an examination +paper in Bablingo for the purpose of testing knowledge. It will differ +from most other examinations in having a further object--namely to +supply instruction and information to the examiner. Later on it may +be possible to construct a grammar, and to append to this a few +easy exercises. It must be remembered, however, that there are great +difficulties to be overcome in such a task. Every home, for instance, +has its own rules for pronunciation. Of these I do not for my +immediate purpose propose to take cognisance. + +Here, then, is a short Bablingo examination paper for the use of +mothers and nurses. I do not at present see my way to including +fathers. + +(1) On what principles is the language which you use in your nursery +formed? Did you (a) acquire it, or (b) find yourself unconsciously in +possession of it? + +(2) Give a list of the characteristic features which distinguish +Bablingo from the dialects employed by Prehistoric Man. + +(3) What justification can you allege for the conversion of the words +_little thing_ into the words _ickle sing_? Are the spelling and +pronunciation of these two words intended to be a concession to the +feeble understanding of an infant? + +(4) _Wasums and didums, then? Was it a ickle birdie, then?_ Expand the +above into a four-line verse with rhymes, and explain why the language +as spoken and written is nearly always in the past tense, and rarely +in the present or future. + +(5)(a) _Did he woz-a-woz, then; a Mum's own woz-man?_ (b) _'Oose +queenie-mouse was 'oo?_ Write a short story on one of the above texts. + +(6) _Did she try to hit her ickle bruzzer on his nosie-posie wiz +a mug? She was a Tartar, and did she want to break him up into +bitsy-witsies?_ Construct a scene from a typical nursery drama on the +above motive. What theories do you base on the extract with regard to +the girl's temper and the boy's courage and endurance? + + * * * * * + +A REALLY CANDID CANDIDATE. + + "TO THE ELECTORS OF ---- WARD. + + "Ladies and Gentlemen,--I beg to thank you for returning me + as your member at the Election on Monday last. Nothing shall + be wanting on my part to betray the confidence thus reposed + in me."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +A YEAR'S REPRISALS. + +When I sent Aunt Emily--from whom I have expectations--a pincushion +at Christmas and she retaliated with a pen-wiper on New Year's Day, +I thought that was the end of it. + +Not so. + +Aunt Emily reopened hostilities on my birthday with a purple satin +letter-case embroidered with a sprig of rosemary and the word +"Remembrance." That fresh offensive occurred on January 27th, which, +I repeat, is my birthday. Readers please note. + +When was Aunt Emily's birthday? Frenzied search in antique birthday +books revealed not the horrid secret. Probing my diary for other +suitable anniversaries, I came to February 1st--"Partridge and +Pheasant Shooting ends." + +I passed this as being inappropriate, and then--the very +thing--February 14th, St. Valentine's. Also Full Moon. + +To arrive on that day, I despatched, carefully packed, the white +marble clock from the spare-room. When well shaken it will tick for +an hour. Aunt Emily had never seen it, I knew. + +Then I sounded the All Clear. + +But on Easter Eve a heavy packing-case was bumped onto my doorstep. +From wrappings of sacking there emerged a large model of Eddystone +lighthouse; a thermometer was embedded in its chest, minus the +mercury, I noted. And Aunt Emily wished me as per enclosed card "A +joyous Easter." + +With groans and lamentations another anniversary must be found by me. +Ah! Here we have it! KING GEOKGE V. born June 3rd. On the dark roof +of my spare-room wardrobe loomed an Indian vase--bright yellow with +red blobs--very rare and very hideous, with a bulge in its middle. +Obviously unique, because when the Indian made it his fellow-Indians +slew him to prevent repetitions of the offence. I packed it in the +middle of a crate and much straw, calculated to make an appalling mess +when released. + +To dear Aunt Emily it went, with love, and a few topical remarks about +the Monarchy. + +But Aunt Emily evidently had a diary too. On the 21st of +October--anniversary of Trafalgar--my heart sank as the railway +delivery van drew up at my door. The angry driver toiled into my +passage with a packing-case (bristling with splinters and nails). When +it was open and the chisel broken I picked the splinters out of my +fingers and contemplated the battered horn of a gramophone emerging +from sawdust and shavings. + +The mess created was indescribable when the horn was drawn forth. +Shavings flew everywhere. The sawdust was like a butcher's shop. There +were records too, some broken, all scratched. When set going it made +a noise like a cockatoo with a cold. Decently covered with a cloth it +was interned in the loft. + +Next please. One more effort and I should be one up and Aunt Emily to +play. And her turn would be Christmas. Once she sent me five pounds at +Christmas. + +The diary again. A poor hatch of anniversaries for November. A partial +eclipse of the moon, partially visible at Greenwich, was down for the +22nd. But eclipses are too ominous. + +I fell back on KING EDWARD VII., born November 9th, 1841. Twenty-three +volumes of Goodworthy's _History of England_ should commemorate this. +There had once been twenty-four, but the puppy ate one. + +Gratitude came by return of post, and I sat down in peace to await +Christmas and a cheque. + +But on December 19th came another dreadful and splintery packing-case. +Desperately I gouged it open. Out of it, through a cloud of shavings, +emerged my own loathsome yellow-and-red Indian vase! No word with +it--not a word, not a note. Not a funeral note. + +Rage overtook me. I disinterred Aunt Emily's own gramophone and +records. I packed the horn anyhow. Such of the records as seemed +difficult to get in I broke into small pieces and shoved in corners. +I nailed the packing-case up with the same nails and addressed it in +the boldest and fiercest of characters to Aunt Emily and caught the +railway-van on the rebound. The deed was done. + +I laughed "Ha, ha!" I laughed "Ho, ho!" I would teach Aunt Emily to +return me my own vase. + +Next morning came a letter. As I read it perspiration burst out on my +forehead. Language the most awful burst from my lips. + +And yet it was a simple letter--from my little cousin Dolly. + +"DEAR BOB," it said,--"I sent you a yellow-and-red vase for Christmas. +Your Aunt Emily gave it me as a wedding present. It is not my style and +must be yours, because I have seen one like it in your house. Perhaps +you collect them. Don't tell your Aunt, but I really couldn't bear it. +I forgot to put any note in the box. Happy Christmas. + +"Love, DOLLY." + +And Aunt Emily would have opened my case by now. + +On Christmas Day I received a letter from her which I opened with +cold and clammy fingers. + +She thanked me for sending back the gramophone. She was sorry I +did not care for it. She was now sending it to a hospital for +shell-shocked officers. And she wished me a Blithe Yuletide on a +penny card. And she was very sincerely mine. + +Anyone can have her for aught I care. + +[Illustration: _Unsuccessful House-huntress_. "REALLY ONE SEES SO +FEW OF THE SORT OF MEN WHO USED TO _BUILD_ HOUSES. WHY DOESN'T THE +GOVERNMENT RELEASE MORE CORDUROY TROUSERS AND ENTICE THE LABOURERS +BACK?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SUPER-HUMAN DOG. + +WHEN YOU CAME HOME ON LEAVE YOUR DOG, UNLIKE SOME +HUMANS, NEVER EXPRESSED SURPRISE AT SEEING YOU _STILL IN ENGLAND_. + +NEVER INDULGED IN DEMOBILISATION TALK. + +OR HANDED OUT "CHESTNUTS." + +OR INTRODUCED YOU TO YOUR C.O. (ALSO ON PASS). + +OR BORED YOU WITH HIS OWN DOMESTIC TROUBLES ("LEFT A BOOT-JACK IN +MY DRINKING-TROUGH, SHE DID"). + +OR INTRUDED HIS PRESENCE AT INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS. + +BUT SIMPLY WELCOMED YOU-- + +--IN HIS OWN-- + +--INIMITABLE MANNER.] + + * * * * * + +A SOUTH SEA BUBBLE. + +"I want you," said my hostess, "to take in Mrs. Blank. She is +charming. All through the War she has been with her husband in the +South Seas. London is a new place to her." + +Mrs. Blank did not look too promising. She was pretty in her +way--"elegant" an American would have called her--but she lacked +animation. However, the South Seas...! Anyone fresh from the Pacific +must have enough to tell to see soup, fish and _entrée_ safely +through. + +I began by remarking that she must find London a very complete change +after the sun and placidity that she had come from. + +"It's certainly noisier," she said; "but we had our share of rain." + +"I thought it was always fine there," I remarked; but she laughed a +denial and relapsed into silence. + +She was one of those women who don't take soup, and this made the +economy of her utterances the more unfair. + +Racking my brain for a new start I fell back on those useful fellows, +the authors. Presuming that anyone who had lived in that fascinating +region--the promised land (if land is the word) of so many of us who +are weary of English climatic treacheries--would be familiar with the +literature of it. I went boldly to work. + +"The first book about the South Seas that I ever read," I said, "was +BALLANTYNE'S _Coral Island_." + +"Indeed!" she replied. + +I asked her if she too had not been brought up on BALLANTYNE, and she +said no. She did not even know his name. + +"He wrote for boys," I explained rather lamely. + +"I read poetry chiefly as a girl," she said. + +"But surely you know STEVENSON'S _Island Nights' Entertainment_?" +I said. + +No, she did not. Was it nice? + +"It's extraordinary," I said. "It gives you more of the atmosphere +of the South Seas than any other work. And Louis BECKE--you must have +read him?" I continued. + +No, she had not. She read very little. The last book she had read was +on spiritualism. + +"Not even CONRAD?" I pursued. "No one has so described the calms and +storms of the Pacific." + +No, she remembered no story called _Conrad_. + +I was about to explain that CONRAD was the writer, not the written; +but it seemed a waste of words, and we fell into a stillness broken +only by the sound of knife and fork. + +"Hang it! you shall talk," I said to myself; and then aloud, "Tell me +all about copra. I have longed to know what copra is; how it grows, +what it looks like, what it is for." + +"You have come to the wrong person," she replied, with wide eyes. "I +never heard of it. Or did you say 'cobra'? Of course I know what a +cobra is--it's a snake. I've seen them at the Zoo." + +I put her right. "Copra, the stuff that the traders in the South Seas +deal in." + +"I never heard of it," she said. "But then why should I? I know +nothing about the South Seas." + +My stock fell thirty points and I crumbled bread nervously, hoping for +something sensible to say; but at this moment "half-time" mercifully +set in. My partner on the other side turned to me suavely and asked if +I thought the verses in _Abraham Lincoln_ were a beauty or a blemish; +and with the assistance of the London stage, the flight to America, +Mrs. FULTON'S _Blight_, Mr. WALPOLE'S _Secret City_ and the prospects +of the new Academy, I sailed serenely into port. She was as easy and +agreeable a woman as that other was difficult, and before she left for +the drawing-room she had invited me to lunch and I had accepted. + +As I said Good-night to my hostess I asked why she had told me that my +first partner had been in the South Seas. She said that she had said +nothing of the sort; what she had said was that during the War she had +been stationed with her husband, Colonel Blank, at Southsea. + + * * * * * + +THE MESSAGE OF HULL. + +The Hull Election has been keenly discussed in various papers, but by +none with more enthusiasm than _The Daily News_. In a special article +from the luminous pen of "A.G.G.," in the issue of April 12th, the +true inwardness of the portent is thus revealed:-- + +"The message of Hull is a message for all the world. It is the +announcement that this country, whatever its Government may do, will +not have a French peace. It is a declaration to America that the +English people are with her in her determination to have a League +of Nations' settlement and no other. It is the repudiation of +Conscription, of war on Russia, of the permanent military occupation +of Germany, of imperialism and grab, of war policy in Ireland, of +repression in Egypt, of the reckless profligacy and corruption that +are plunging Europe into Bolshevism and hurrying this country to +irretrievable ruin." + +We confess that we are staggered by the moderation, not to say +modesty, of "A.G.G." as an interpreter of the meaning of the Hull +Election. He has omitted infinitely more than he has inscribed in +his list. + +The return of Commander KENWORTHY stands, of course, for all these +things, but for many others of at least equal importance. + +It means the disappearance of influenza, the ravages of which +are clearly traceable to the political virus disseminated by the +Coalition. + +It means the rehabilitation of Mr. BIRRELL and his return to public +life as English Ambassador to the Court of King Valeroso I. + +It foreshadows the wholesale gratuitous distribution of cigarettes, +marmalade and gramophones. + +It means the prohibition of the use of the French horn in orchestras +and all places where they play, the reinstatement of the German flute +and the restoration of the German Fleet. + +Lastly, it means the compulsory prohibition of all Greek except "Alpha +of the Plough." + + * * * * * + +TO A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD + +(_WITH HIS FIRST CRICKET SET_). + + Here's a gift to take and treasure, + England's gift as well as mine, + Symbol of her clean-spent leisure, + Of her youth and strength a sign; + Gleams of sunlight on old meadows + O'er these varnished toys are cast, + And within that box's shadows + Stir the triumphs of the Past. + + Still the ancient tale entrances, + Giving us in golden dower + ULYETT'S drives and IVO's glances, + JACKSON'S dash and THORNTON'S power; + Skill of LYTTELTONS and LACEYS, + Grit of SHREWSBURYS and GUNNS; + Pride of STUDDS and STEELS and GRACES + Piling up their English runs. + + Take these simple toys as token + Of the champions that have been, + Stalwart in defence unbroken, + Hefty hitters, hitting clean; + And, when capped in Life's eleven, + May you stand as firm as they; + May you, little son of seven, + Play the game the English way. + + W.H.O. + + * * * * * + + "It seems to be a ruling passion amongst certain writers + to portray anybody connected with commerce as being an + ungrammatical ignoramus. Even Kipling panders to this notion + in his conception of a drapery assistant in the person of + 'Kipps.'"--_Draper's Organiser_. + +But did not Mr. WELLS do something to redress the balance in _Kim_? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, NO. 4?" + +"IT'S NO GOOD, INSTRUCTOR; I AIN'T GOT NO HEAD FOR HEIGHTS."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +The latest of the now so fashionable short-story volumes to come my +way is one called _Our Casualty, Etc._ (SKEFFINGTON). Much virtue in +that "_Etc._," which covers other fifteen little tales in the best, or +nearly the best, "Birmingham" manner. I say "nearly," because for its +happiest expression the art of "Mr. GEORGE BIRMINGHAM" demands space +to tangle events into more complicated confusion than can be contrived +in the dozen pages of these episodes. But within their limitations +they are all excellent fun, partly concerned with the War (usually +with an Irishman involved), partly recalled from the piping and +whisky-drinking times of peace, at Inishmore and elsewhere. One +can only treat them after the manner of the schoolboy who declined +to distinguish between the Major and Minor Prophets. But I +rather specially enjoyed the title-piece, which tells how the +super-patriotism of an aged volunteer defeated the kindly plans of +those who would have saved him fatigue by assigning to him the rôle +of casualty in a trench-relief practice. Casualties also figure in +"Getting Even," an improbable but highly entertaining fiction of the +score practised by an ingenious Medical Officer (Irish, I need hardly +say) upon an over-zealous C.O., who, to keep him busy during a field +day, flooded his "clearing station" with all sorts of complicated +imaginary cases, only to find the fictitious victims arranged +comfortably in rows under the shade of the trees to await the Padre +and a burying party, the M.O. reporting that they had all died before +reaching him. It couldn't possibly happen as here told, but that +matters little, since, so far as I am concerned, a "Birmingham" tale +can always well afford to dispense with credibility. + + * * * * * + +I am distinctly grateful to ROSE MACAULAY for _What Not_ (CONSTABLE). +It brought me the pleasantest end to anything but a perfect English +Spring day. She has wit, not so common a gift that you can afford +just to take it for granted; she knows when to stop, selecting not +exhausting; and she makes her epigrams by the way, as it were, +without exposing the process of manufacture. (Other epigrammatists +please copy.) Miss MACAULAY'S "prophetic comedy" is a joyous rag +of Government office routine, flappery, Pelmania, Tribunals, State +advertising, the Lower Journalism and "What Not." That audacious +eugenist, _Nicky Chester_, first Minister of Brains in the post-war +period of official attempts to raise the nation from C3 to something +nearer A1 on the intellectual plane, happens, because of his family +history, to be uncertified for marriage. He also happens to fall very +desperately in love with his secretary, _Kitty Grammont_, and the +conflict between duty and desire becomes the theme--perhaps just a +little too heavy--of an extravaganza that is happiest in its lighter +and more irreverent moments. Which is to say that _What Not_ wanders +out of the key. But what on earth does that matter if one is made to +laugh quite often and to smile almost continuously at a very shrewd +piece of observation, whimsicality and tempered malice? And you will +like the serene _Pansy Ponsonby_ (out of "Hullo, Peace!"), who could +scarcely be called _Kitty's_ "sister-in-law," but was of the most +faithful. The odd thing is that under all her gibing the author +seems to have a queer furtive admiration for her precious Ministry +of Brains. + + * * * * * + +Among the many things I like in DORETHEA CONYERS' novels is the +artistic subtlety, achieved by few of our other novelists, with which +she manages to write them as it were in character. I am quite sure +that if _Berenice Ermyntrude Nicosia Nevin_, who is called by her +initials on the cover and inside by what they spell, had tried to +write a novel it would have been remarkably like _B.E.N._ (METHUEN). +There would have been the same keen delight in horses, hunting and +Irish scenery, and the same cheerful disregard for such trifles as +spelling or such conventions as making quite sure that your reader +knows which character is speaking at any given moment, and the same +excellent humour, which, if it is at the expense of the Irish, is +kindly enough for all that. It seems to me that in her new novel Mrs. +CONYERS, wisely refusing to stray to that suburbia in which her gifts +lack this charm, has recaptured much of the careless rapture of her +earliest books; and very careless and very rapturous they wore. But I +am not quite sure that in real life even _Ben_, when as second whip to +the East Cara hounds she lost her horse, would have found an aeroplane +useful to catch up with. In case it should be objected that anything +so funny as the tea at _Miss Talty's_ never could happen, even in the +Caher Valley district, I want to put it on record here and now that it +could and does. + + * * * * * + +_The Mystery Keepers_ (LANE), by MARION FOX, reminds me of the old +riddle, "What is it that has feathers and two legs, and barks like +a dog?"--the answer being a stork. People who protest that a stork +doesn't bark like a dog are told that that part is put in to make +it harder. I find that the greater part of the mystery kept by _The +Mystery Keepers_ is put in to make it harder. The Abbey at Clynch St. +Mary has a "coise" put on it by the last Abbess, and every direct +male heir expires punctually on his twenty-first birthday. The actual +agency is a poisoned ring concealed in the frame of a portrait of +the malevolent Abbess and is in the custody of the _Otway_ family, +who enjoy a prescriptive if nebulous right to be stewards of the +property. Just how or why the _Otways_--noble fellows, we are given to +understand--carry out the deceased Abbess's nefarious wishes with such +precision and despatch is not explained. Anyway the mother of the last +victim, who has found out the secret, steals the ring, murders the +_Otway_ of the period, and retires to a lunatic asylum after her son +has himself stolen the ring from her workbox and poisoned himself into +the next world. That finishes it. The ring retires to a museum and the +proper people marry each other. It is a slender and quite impossible +story, but told in a clever way which goes far to redeem its lack of +substance. + + * * * * * + +_The Graftons_ (COLLINS) is a sequel to Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL'S +former chronicle of the same pleasant family. Herein you shall find +them, pursuing the even tenor of their prosperous way, father, son and +charming daughters, and arriving placidly at the point where, in the +natural sequence of events, these daughters leave the paternal nest +for others provided by eligible mates. Their courtships, and some mild +uncertainty as to whether papa _Grafton_, well-preserved and wealthy +widower, will or will not follow the example of his female offspring, +provide the entire matter of the book. For the rest Mr. MARSHALL is +content to mark time (and very pleasantly) with pictures of English +country life at its most comfortable, and in particular with some +comedy scenes, excellently done, turning upon the often delicate +relationship of Hall and Parsonage. There are a couple of clerical +portraits in the book that seem to me as lifelike as anything of the +kind since _Barchester_. Apart from this the outstanding virtue of +the _Graftons_ is the reality of their dialogue. Precisely thus do, +or did, actual people speak in the quiet old times before the War; +precisely thus also did nothing whatever of any consequence happen +to the vast majority of them. Since, however, the truth and charm of +the tale depend upon this absence of the sensational, I must the more +regret that Messrs. COLLINS, who have printed it exquisitely, should +have been betrayed into a coloured wrapper of almost grotesque +ineptitude. + + * * * * * + +In _Graduation_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) there is an essential femininity +about Miss IRENE RUTHERFORD McLEOD'S style and general attitude that +imposes limitations; it is a quality that shows itself not only in +her plot, but in her characters, the three reputed males who figure +therein being as fine examples of true womanliness as you need wish +to meet. _Frieda_ was the heroine (a name somehow significant); and of +the trouser-wearers, the first, _Geoffrey_, was a cat-like deceiver, +who fascinated poor _Frieda_ for ends unspecified, pretended (the +minx!) to be keen on the Suffrage movement, which he wasn't, and +concealed a wife; the second was a Being too perfect to endure beyond +Chapter 10, where he expires eloquently of heart-failure, leaving +_Alan_, the third, to bear the white man's burden and clasp _Frieda_ +to his maidenly heart. This sentimental progress is, I suppose, what +is implied by the title and the symbolic staircase (if it _is_ a +staircase?) on the wrapper. But my trouble was that I could never +discern in the sweet girl-graduate any development of character from +the pretentious futility of her earliest appearance. Perhaps I am +prejudiced. Undeniably Miss McLEOD can draw a certain type of prig +with a horrible facility. But the antiquated modernity of her scheme, +flooded as it is with the New Dawn of, say, a decade ago, and its +bland disregard of everything that has happened since, ended by +violently irritating me. Others may have better luck. + + * * * * * + +Spring has been slow in coming, but I got something more than a whiff +of actual summer when _Under Blue Skies_ (HUTCHINSON) came my way. Mr. +DE VERD STACPOOLE is at the top of his form, and it is a real pleasure +to recommend an author who brings to his tales of adventure so nice +a sense of style and so keen a feeling for character. In "The Frigate +Bird" the rapscallions who seize a schooner and, without any knowledge +of navigation, sail the high seas, are full-blooded adventurers; but +there is all the difference in the world between the character of the +educated _Carlyon_ and that of the simple-minded and ignorant _Finn_. +This yarn occupies nearly half of the book, and the other stories +should give food for thought to those who allege that no Englishman +can write a short story. Apart from one charming little tale of a +haunted French _château_ Mr. STACPOOLE allows us to bask here in the +eternal summer of Pacific skies. I am very grateful for my sun-bath. + + * * * * * + +In _Poems of the Great War_, by Mrs. ROBERTSON-GLASGOW, readers +of _Punch_ will recognise some of the best serious poems that have +appeared in these pages of recent years. The little half-crown volume +in which they reappear has been admirably printed at S. Aldhelm's +Home for Boys, Frome, and may be bought at SMITH'S in Kensington High +Street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Voice of Tommy in audience_. "NAH THEN, MATE, WHY +DON'T YER DIG YERSELF IN?"] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +156, APRIL 23, 1919
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