diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/11732.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11732.txt | 2350 |
1 files changed, 2350 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/11732.txt b/old/11732.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c2c06e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11732.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2350 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +April 16, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 16, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 27, 2004 [eBook #11732] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 156, APRIL 16, 1919*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11732-h.htm or 11732-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h/11732-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 156 + +APRIL 16, 1919 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +We understand that a proposal to send a relief party to America +to rescue Scotsmen from the threatened Prohibition law is under +consideration. + + *** + +It is rumoured that _The Times_ is about to announce that it does not +hold itself responsible for editorial opinions expressed in its own +columns. + + *** + +A correspondent, complaining of the tiny flats in London, states that +he is a trombone-player, and every time he wants to get the lowest +note he has to go out on to the landing. + + *** + +In Essex Street, Shoreditch--so Dr. ADDISON explained to the House +of Commons--there are seven hundred and thirty-three people in +twenty-nine houses. A correspondent writes that a single house in the +neighbourhood of Big Ben contains seven hundred and seven persons, +many of them incapable, and that nothing is being done about it. + + *** + +"The Original Dixie Land Jazz Band has arrived in London," says an +evening paper. We are grateful for the warning. + + *** + +Over two hundred season-ticket-holders live within a mile radius at +Southend. We suppose there must be some attraction at Southend to +explain why so many season-ticket-holders live there. + + *** + +We are pleased to be able to throw some light on the mystery of the +Russian who was not shot in Petrograd last week. It appears that he +ducked his head. + + *** + +We await confirmation of the report that an American has offered to +defray the cost of the War if the authorities will name it after him. + + *** + +The Surplus Government Property Disposal Board is making a special +offer of eighteen-pounder guns to golf clubs. For a long shot out of a +bad lie the superiority of the eighteen-pounder over the Sammie cleek +is conceded by all the best golfers. + + *** + +Westgate-on-Sea has decided to abolish bathing-machines. In future +visitors desiring to bathe will have to do it by hand. + + *** + +Mr. KELLAWAY informed the House of Commons the other day that the War +Office has forty million yards of surplus aeroplane linen. It seems +inevitable that some of it will have to be washed in public. + + *** + +A woman aged twenty-six, mother of five children, told the Old Street +police magistrate that she could not read. How she managed to have +five children without being able to read the Defence of the Realm +Regulations is regarded by the authorities as a mystery. + + *** + +At the Royal Drawing Society's exhibition there is a picture painted +by a child of two. Pictures by older artists, with all the appearances +of having been painted by children of this unripe age, are, of course, +no novelty. + + *** + +"Whitehall Wakes Up," says _The Evening News_. An indignant denial of +this charge is hourly expected. + + *** + +A Northumberland man last week declined to draw his unemployment pay +on the ground that he was not actually wanting it. His workmates put +it down to the alleged fact that a careless nurse had let him fall out +of the perambulator on to his head. + + *** + +"Unless Russian women join the Bolshevist movement," says Herr RADEK, +"they will all be shot by order of Lenin." This confirms our worst +fears that these Russian revolutionaries are becoming rather spiteful. + + *** + +A new fire-engine has been provided for Aberavon. As a result of this +addition to their appliances the Aberavon Fire Brigade are now able to +consider a few additional fires. + + *** + +A large rat with peculiar red markings on its back has recently been +seen at Woodvale, Isle of Wight. In consequence much alarm is felt +locally, as it is feared that this is an indication that the rodents +on the isle have embraced Bolshevism. + + *** + +The correspondent who, as reported in these columns, noticed a pair +of labourers building within a stone's-throw of Catford Bridge, now +writes to say that a foundation stone has been laid. + + *** + +Philanthropists are warned against a beggar who is going about saying +that, when wounded in France, he was so full of bullets that they took +him back to the Base in an ammunition wagon instead of an ambulance. + + *** + +The reported decision of the Sinn Fein Executive, that policemen shall +only be shot at on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, has definitely +eased a situation which it was feared could only be coped with by +arresting the instigators of such crimes. + + *** + +In a recent suit for alimony a wealthy New Yorker complained that his +wife used a diamond-studded watch for a golf tee. If she had only +wasted the money on a new ball he would never have complained. + + *** + +Experiments in rat-killing, says a news item, are being carried out at +the Zoo. At the time of writing the reticulated python is said to be +leading the whale-headed stork by a matter of three rats. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Husband (just arrived home)._ "WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU +BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF?" + +_Wife_, "ONLY THE COAL-MAN'S BEEN AT LAST, AND I SIMPLY COULDN'T +RESIST GIVING THE DEAR MAN A KISS!"] + + * * * * * + +From the report of a breach of promise case:-- + + "The engagement came about through a chance meeting in Richmond + Park in the summer of 117."--_Daily Herald_. + +Despite the happy case of Jacob and Rachel, we never have approved of +these long engagements. + + * * * * * + +A PAYING GAME. + + When Belgium lay beneath your heel + To prove the law that Might is Right, + And Innocence, without appeal, + Must serve your scheme of _Schrecklichkeit_, + "Justice," we said, "abides her day + And she shall set her balance true; + Methods like yours can never pay." + "Can't they?" you cried; "they can--and do!" + + And now full circle comes the wheel, + And, prone across the knees of Fate, + You are to hear, without appeal, + The final terms that we dictate; + And, when you whine (the German way) + On presentation of the bill: + "_Ach, Himmel!_ we can never pay," + "Can't you?" we'll cry; "you can--and will!" + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF PEACE. + +I'm not out of the Army yet, but lately I was home on leave. At a time +like that you don't really care about being demobilised just yet. +After all, to earn--or let us say to be paid--several pounds for a +fortnight's luxurious idleness is a far, far better thing than to +receive about the same number of shillings for a like period of +unremitting toil. There you have an indication of the financial +prospects of my civvy career. None the less, to me in Blighty the +future looked as rosy as a robin's breast, and life was immensely +satisfactory. I deemed that I was capable of saying "Ha, ha" among +the captains (though myself only boasting two pips). Then one day, in +the lane that leads to the downs, I met Woggles. + +I've known Woggles for years and years. Some time ago she became a +V.A.D. and began to drive an ambulance about France; since when I had +lost sight of her. I greeted her therefore with jubilation. + +"Oh, Woggles," I cried, "this is a great occasion. How shall we +celebrate it?" + +"Well, if you like I'll go back again on to the top with you and show +you the Weald. But I'd much rather you came home to tea. I _could_ +make some 'Dog's Delight'--s'posing you haven't outgrown such simple +tastes." + +"Oh, if you put it like that," I said cheerfully. + +Well, it was a bitter sort of afternoon and growing late. The +annoyance of Bogie (an enthusiastic puppy) at missing his walk might +appropriately be solaced with portions of "Dog's Delight." It's a +large home-made bun thing which used to delight me as well as Bogie's +mother in days gone by. + +"I ought to warn you," said Woggles as we walked across the fields, +"that Mother and Dad are out to-day. I expect your dog'll have to take +acting rank as chaperon." + +"By the way," I said, "you don't know each other, do you?" I called +Bogie, who was giving a vivid imitation of a cavalry screen protecting +our advance, and made him sit up and pretend to be begging. "Now +fix your eyes on the kind lady," I commanded. "Woggles--Bogie: +Bogie--Woggles. Two very nice people." Bogie barked, put out his +tongue and let the wind blow his left ear inside out. Woggles laughed +in that excellent way she has. + +At the Rectory she sang to me even better than she used to; the +"Delight" was an achievement, Bogie being most agreeably surprised; +there was a glow of firelight such as I love, and a vast comfortable +chair. I felt lazy and very happy. + +"This tea idea of yours was simply an inspiration. I don't know when +I've been so pleased with myself and existence generally. At the +moment my _moral_ is as high as Mount Everest." + +"Yes, I noticed something like that," Woggles agreed. "More tea? +It's only about your fifth cup." Suddenly serious, she went on: "I +wonder--is there much to be happy about just now? Dad thinks not; and +so do I, rather. Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather +find faces in the fire?" + +"Please I want to talk about it." + +"Carry on then. Fortify yourself with that last bit of 'Delight.'" + +In spite of this reinforcement I found it wasn't so very easy to +begin. + +"Well," I said slowly, "I expect the foundation of my _joie de vivre_ +is a great relief that the War's over. Lots of troops celebrated that +with song and dance and so forth on November 11th and subsequent +nights; I'm spreading it over a much longer time. In a way it's like +having a death sentence repealed, for millions of us. Not the heroic +spirit, is it?--but there you are." + +"Of course everyone feels that," Woggles admitted. "Only now that it +_is_ all over, aren't we sort of looking round and counting the cost? +Thinking that all this loss of life and suffering hasn't made the +world so very much better? Look at Russia and our strikes. Doesn't +Bolshevism worry you?" she asked. + +"The fact is," I told her, "I believe I've evolved a philosophy of +life which nothing of that kind can seriously disturb--or I hope not. +It's very jolly to feel like that." + +"It must be. May we have this philosophy, please? Perhaps you'll make +a disciple." + +"It's an awfully simple one really, only I think people lose sight of +it so strangely. Just to realise the extraordinary pleasure everyday +things can give you--if you'll only let them. You compree that?" + +"It doesn't sound very convincing," Woggles objected. "Everyday +things! As for instance?" + +"Oh, what shall I say? One of those really fine mornings; huge white +clouds in a deep blue sky; the feel of a good drive at golf; smoke +from cottage chimneys at dusk; wondering what's round the next corner +of an unknown road; bare branches at night with the stars tangled in +them; the wind that blows across these downs of ours; the music of a +sentence of STEVENSON'S; Bogie here and his funny little ways--Well, I +needn't go on?" + +"No, you needn't," said Woggles thoughtfully and looked at me rather +hard for a space. "We're old friends, aren't we, and all that sort of +thing?" she demanded. + +"What a question! I hope we are. But why?" + +"Well, I'm going to ask you something. But I may say I'm rather +nervous. You'll promise not to set Bogie at me or strangle me with +your Sam Browne?" + +"I will." + +"Well, then, have you been asking Betty Willoughby to marry you, and +has she said 'Yes'?" + +I was amazed. Was Woggles also among the soothsayers? Because a few +evenings earlier, with the help of a splendid full moon and one or two +extenuating circumstances-- + +"But this is black magic and wizardry," I said. "It's a dead secret. +How on earth did you know?" + +"Oh, I just guessed," said Woggles. + + * * * * * + +THE MATRIMONIAL MARKET. + + "Young Girl Wanted, for Wife of Naval Officer."--_Provincial + Paper_. + +The Navy may be the Silent Service, but when it does speak it is very +direct. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE EASTER OFFERING. + +MR. LLOYD GEORGE _(fresh from Paris)._ "I DON'T SAY IT'S A PERFECT +EGG; BUT PARTS OF IT, AS THE SAYING IS, ARE EXCELLENT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Colonel (back with his battalion from front lines--to +horsey and immaculate Railway Transport, Officer)._ "ENGINES A BIT +FRISKY THIS MORNING?"] + + * * * * * + +PROPAGANDA IN THE BALKANS. + +At the end of September last those whom we in Macedonia had come +to regard as our deadly enemies became our would-be friends with a +suddenness which was almost painful. Kultur is a leavening influence, +and our spurious local Hun in Bulgaria is every bit as frightful in +war and as oily in defeat as the genuine article on the Rhine. + +To escape this unfamiliar and rather overpowering atmosphere of +friendliness our section of the Salonica Force immediately made for +the nearest available enemy and found ourselves at a lonely spot on +the Turkish frontier. The name of the O.C. Local Bulgars began with +Boris, and he was a _Candidat Offizier_ or Cadet, and acting Town +Major. As an earnest of good-will, he showed us photos of his home, +before and after the most recent _pogrom_, and of his grandfather, a +bandit with a flourishing practice in the Philippopolis district, much +respected locally. + +We took up our dispositions, and shortly all officers were engaged +sorting out the suspicious characters arrested by the sentries. It was +in this way that I became acquainted with Serge Gotastitch the Serb. + +When he was brought before me I sent for Aristides Papazaphiropoulos, +our interpreter, and in the meantime delivered a short lecture to the +Sergeant-Major, Quartermaster-Sergeant and Storeman on the inferiority +of the Balkan peoples, with particular reference to the specimen +before us, to whom, in view of the fact that he seemed a little below +himself, I gave a tot of rum. He eyed it with suspicion. + +"What's this?" he asked suddenly (in English). "Whisky?" + +I informed him that it was rum. + +"That's the goods," he said, and drank it. I then commenced +interrogation. + +"You are a Bulgar?" I asked. + +"No," said Serge cheerlessly, "I am Serb." + +"Serb! Then what are you doing here?" + +"I hail from Prilep," he explained. "When Bulgar come Prilep, they +say, 'You not Serb; you Bulgar.' So they bringit me here with others, +and I workit on railroad. My family I not know where they are; no +clothes getting, no money neither. English plenty money," he added, _a +propos_ of nothing. + +I ignored the hint. + +"Then you are a prisoner of war?" I suggested. + +"In old time," he continued, "Turks have Prilep. I go to America and +workit on railroad Chicago--three, four year. When I come back Turks +take me for army. Not liking I desert to Serbish army. When war +finish, Serbs have Prilep. I go home Serbish civil. Then this war +start. Bulgar come to Prilep and say, 'You Bulgar, you come work for +us.' You understahn me, boss?" + +"I must look into this," I said to the Sergeant-Major. "Send for the +interpreter and ask the Bulgar officer to step in. He's just going +past." + +Boris arrived with a salute and a charming smile and listened to my +tale. Then he turned a cold eye on Serge and burst into a torrent of +Bulgarian, under which Serge stood with lifting scalp. + +"Sir," faltered Serge, when the cascade ceased, "I am liar. All I said +to you is false. I am good Bulgar. I hate Serbs." + +"Then you are not, in fact, a Serb?" I said. + +"Nope," said Serge, nodding his head frantically (the Oriental method +of negation). + +"Do you want to go home?" I asked cunningly. + +"Sure, boss," replied he. "Want to go Chicago." + +Boris uttered one blasting guttural and Serge receded to the horizon +with great rapidity. "You understand, _mon ami_," explained Boris; "he +is really a Bulgar, but the villainous Serb propagandists have taught +him the Serbian language and that he is Serb. It is his duty really to +fight or work for Bulgaria, just as it was ours to liberate him and +his other Bulgar brothers in Serbia from the yoke of the Serbs. It is +understood, my friend?" + +"Oh, absolutely," I replied. + +He withdrew, exchanging a glance of hatred with Aristides +Papazaphiropoulos, who approached saluting with Hellenic fervour. + +"You wish me, Sare?" he asked. + +"I did," I answered, and outlined to him what had passed. "Is it true +that propaganda is, or are, used to that extent?" + +"It is true," he answered sadly. "The Serb has much propagandism, the +Bulgar also. But in this case both are liars, since the population of +Prilep is rightfully Greek." + + * * * * * + +Three days later Boris appeared before me with a sullen face. + +"I wish to complain," he said. "You have with you a Greek, one +Papazaphiropoulos. It is forbidden by the terms of the Armistice that +Greeks should come into Bulgaria. Greeks or Serbs--it is expressly +stated. I wish to complain." + +"You are wrong," I replied. "He is no Greek. He is a Bulgar. But the +cunning Greek propagandists have taught him the Greek language and +that he is a Greek. It is really his duty to be the first to rush on +to the soil of his beloved Bulgaria--" + +"Ach!" said Boris, grinding his teeth; "you mock our patriotism. You +are an Englishman." + +"I don't," I replied. "And I'm not. I'm French. We came over in +1066. You ask my aunt at Tunbridge Wells. But the villainous English +propagandists taught me English, and the Scotch gave me a taste for +whisky, and--" + +But Boris had faded away. + + * * * * * + +ALARMING: SPREAD OF CANNIBALISM. + + "AUSTRALIANS IN FRANCE. + + "THIRD OF GERMAN ARMY EATEN." + _Queensland Paper_. + + "THOROUGHLY Experienced Cook. Capable cooking large + family."--_Ceylon Paper_. + + "WANTED, Smart Young Man or Woman, for frying."--_Provincial + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Born Grumbler_. "FOR OVER FOUR YEARS I'VE BATTLED +FURIOUSLY AGAINST A 'ARD AN' BITTER FOE. AN' 'ERE I AM CONSTRUCTIN' A +WOODEN' 'ORSE FOR THE CAPTIN'S SON."] + + * * * * * + +TO A YOUNG SUB. + +_(By a late one.)_ + + Sublime young Sir, so nuttily complacent, + So airy-poised upon thy rubbered feet, + The cynosure, no doubt, of all adjacent + Regard along that hit of Regent Street, + My thanks. In rather less than half a twinkling + Thy lofty air and high Olympian gaze + Have taught me that of which I had no inkling + Throughout my swashing military days. + + I too (_et ego in Arcadia vixi_)-- + I too have strolled like that in London town, + Demanding homage from the very bricks I + Pressed with my shoes of scintillating brown; + But never till I tried the fair corrective + Of seeing khaki from a civvy suit + Could I envisage in its true perspective + That common circumstance, a Second-Loot. + + * * * * * + +NOT DEAD YET. + + "The Hungarian Soviet Government has adopted a non-posthumous + attitude."--_Globe_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Host (to visitor just arrived)._ "GET YOUR OVERCOAT +OFF QUICKLY, MAN; THEN HE'LL THINK YOU BELONG TO THE HOUSE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PASSING OF GREEK. + +A great thanksgiving meeting (postponed till "Summer-time" on account +of the shortage of artificial heat) was held at the Albert Hall last +Saturday to celebrate the dethronement of Greek at Oxford. Mr. H.G. +WELLS presided, and there was a numerous attendance. + +Mr. WELLS, while he struck and maintained a jubilant note throughout +his eloquent speech, tempered enthusiasm with caution. The Grecians, +he said, like the Greeks, were wily folk and capable of shamming dead +while they were all the while scheming and plotting to restore their +imperilled supremacy. Indeed he knew it as a fact that some of the +most infatuated scholars actually voted against compulsion, simply to +confuse the issue. Still, for the moment it was a great victory, a +crushing blow to Oxford, the stronghold of mediaevalism, incompetence +and Hanoverianism, and an immense relief to the sorely-tried physique +of the nation. For he was able to assure them, speaking with the +authority of one who had taken first-class honours in Zoology, that +the study of Greek more than anything else predisposed people to +influenza by promoting cachexia, often leading to arterio-sclerosis, +bombination of the tympanum, and even astigmatism of the pineal gland. +(Sensation.) + +Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, M.P., speaking from the seat of an aeroplane, +said that he had found the little Greek he remembered from his +school-days not only no help but a positive hindrance to his advocacy +of a strong Air policy. The efforts of the Greeks as pioneers of +aviation were grossly exaggerated and, speaking as an expert, he +denounced these literary fictions as so much hot air. There were at +least forty-seven thousand reasons against Greek, but he would +be content with two. It didn't pay, and it was much harder than +Esperanto. + +Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX in a most impressive speech said that he was +no enemy of ancient learning. Egyptology was only a less favourite +recreation with him than revolver practice. But Greek he could never +abide, and he was confirmed in his instinct by the fact that at all +the sixteen Courts where he had been received and decorated Classical +Greek was practically unknown. It was the same in his travels in +Morocco, Algeria, Kabylia, among the Touaregs, the Senussis and the +pygmies of the Aruwhimi Hinterland. He never heard it even alluded to. +Nor had he found it necessary for his investigations into the secret +service of Foreign Powers, the writing of spy stories, the forecasting +of the Great War or the composition of cinema plays. He had done his +best to procure the prohibition of the study of Greek in the Republic +of San Marino, and he was inclined to trace the present financial +crisis in that State to his failure. (Cheers.) + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW struck a somewhat jarring note by the cynical remark +that it would be a very good thing for modern sensational authors if +Greek literature were not only neglected but destroyed, as some of the +Classical authors had been guilty of prospective plagiarism on a large +scale. He knew this as a fact, as he had been recently reading LUCIAN +in a crib and found him devilish amusing. (Uproar and cries of +"Shame!") + +A moving letter was read from Lord BEAVERBROOK, in which the great +financier declared that, in arriving at the peerage at the age of +thirty-seven, he had found his inability to read HOMER freely in the +original no handicap or hindrance. He pointed out the interesting fact +that Lord NORTHCLIFFE, who reached a similar elevation at the age of +forty, had never composed any Greek iambics, though his literary style +was singularly polished. + +It was felt that any further speeches after this momentous +announcement would inevitably partake of the nature of an anti-climax. + +The Chairman happily interpreted the feeling of the meeting by hurling +a copy of _Liddell and Scott_ on the floor of the platform and dancing +upon it, and the great assembly soon afterwards dispersed in a mood of +solemn exultation to the strains of a Jazz band. As Mr. WELLS observed +in a fine phrase, "We have to-day extinguished the lights in the +Classical firmament." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Demobilised One (to massive lady about to make her +exit),_ "EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND TREADING--ACCIDENTAL-LIKE--ON THAT +MAN'S TOES? HE USED TO BE MY SERGEANT-MAJOR."] + + * * * * * + +THE TENDER-HEARTED BAILIE. + + "Accused broke down in the dock, and while weeping bitterly the + Bailie fined both girls L1 or ten days."--_Edinburgh Evening + News_. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Burray of Elibank and the Hon. Gideon Murray, M.P., have + recently had influenza and bronchitis."--_Scotch Paper_. + +From internal evidence we gather that his lordship has not yet +completely recovered. + + * * * * * + +SO SOON FORGOT. + + [A cinema has been showing a picture of M. PADEREWSKI, bearing + the legend, "The new President of Poland: once a world-famed + violinist."] + + The President of POLAND + Was born to place and power; + Yet, ere he found his mission + In filling this position, + He was a great musician-- + Men say so to this hour. + But, dash it! while the whole land + Admits his old repute, + It wonders, "Did this fellow, + At whom Queen's Hall would bellow, + Perform upon the 'cello, + Or did he play the flute?" + + The day AUGUSTUS JOHN is + Created Duke of Wales, + His countrymen will never + Stop boasting of how clever + He is at Art, whatever + (Though Burlington still rails). + But one small detail gone is + From their forgetful nuts; + Their recollection's shady-- + Did JOHN'S artistic heyday + Mean costumes for _The Lady_ + Or things for _Comic Cuts?_ + + When HALL CAINE rules a nation + As Superman of Man, + His subjects will assure us + In daily dance and chorus: + "Ere HALL presided o'er us, + Men read him as they ran. + For once his circulation + Spread over Seven Seas." + Yet memory by chance errs + In these ecstatic dancers-- + Oh, did he edit _Answers_, + Or write "Callisthenes"? + + * * * * * + +OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES. + + "But the most pressing of all the questions with which the Peace + Congress has to deal is the settlement of terms of peace with + Germany."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + + * * * * * + + "LIFE'S LITTLE MARVELS. + + "A family of eight was stated to be living on L3 a week in the + Bow County Court, and counsel said it was a marvel how they did + it."--_Bradford Daily Argus_. + +It is supposed that they take it in turns to sleep on the Bench. + + * * * * * + + "A Republic is derported to have been declared at Zagazig. In + Cairo stdikes have added to the difficulties of the public, the + latest being one by the cabddivers. Crowds ottempted to storm + the Government printing works, but were dispersed by the + military."--_Daily Paper_. + +Not, however, until they had worked some havoc among the type. + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +I was motoring homewards across the old line. A ghost-peopled dusk was +crawling over the devastation and desolation that is Vimy, and in the +distance the bare bones of St. Eloy loomed like a spectre skeleton +against the frosty after-glow. We hummed past Thelus cross-roads, +dipped downhill and, _hey presto_! all of a sudden I was in China. +(No, not Neuville-St.-Vaast; China, China, place where they eat +birds'-nests and puppy-dogs' tails.) There were coolies from some +salvage company all over the place, perched on heaps of broken +masonry, squatting along the ditch side, banked ten-deep in the +road--tall villainous-looking devils, very intently watching +something. I pulled up, partly to avoid killing them and partly to see +what it was all about. + +It was an open-air theatre. They had built it on the ruins of an +_estaminet_, roofed it over with odds and ends of tin and tarpaulin, +and the play was on. There was the orchestra against the back-cloth, +rendering selections from popular Pekin revues on the drum, cymbal and +one-stringed fiddle. There were the actors apparelled in the gorgeous +costumes of old Cathay strutting mechanically through their parts, the +female impersonators squeaking in shrill falsetto and putting in a lot +of subtle fan-work. And there was the ubiquitous property-man drifting +in and out among the performers, setting his fantastic house in order. +We were actually within a mile of the Vimy Ridge, but we might have +been away on the sunny side of Suez, deep within the mysterious heart +of Canton City. + +"Good as a three-ring circus, ain't it?" said an English voice at my +side; "most of their plays run on for nine months or so, but this +particular show only lasts six weeks, the merest curtain-raiser." + +I turned towards the speaker and looked full upon the beak nose, cleft +cheek and bristling red moustache of an old friend. "Good Lord, The +Beachcomber!" I breathed. He started, peered at me and growled, +"Captain Dawnay-Devenish, if it's all the same to you, Mister blooming +Lieutenant." + + * * * * * + + In the year 1907 John Fanshawe Dawnay-Devenish arrived in a certain +Far Eastern port, deck passenger aboard a Dutch tramp out of Batavia. +The Volendam mate accompanied him to the gang-plank, shaking a size +eleven fist: "Now yous, get, see?... an' iv yous gome bag...!" He +ground his horse-teeth and made unpleasant noises in his throat. + +"Shouldn't dream of risking it, old dear," replied John Fanshawe +pleasantly, "not on your venerable coffee-grinder anyhow--not until +she gets a navigator." He kissed his nicotined fingers to the +exploding Hollander and strolled off down the wharf, whistling "_Nun +trink ich Schnapps_." + +Arrived in the European quarter he smoothed what creases he could out +of his sole suit of drills, whitened his soggy topee and frayed canvas +shoes with a piece of chalk purloined from a billiard saloon, bluffed +a drink out of an inebriated ship's engineer and snatched a free lunch +on the strength of it. Thus fortified he visited the British Consul, +and by means of somewhat soiled letters proved that he really was a +Dawnay-Devenish of the Dorset Dawnay-Devenishes (who should be in no +way confused with the Devenish-Dawnays of Chipping-Banbury or the +Devenishe d'Awnay-Dawnays of Upper Tooting; the Dorset branch alone +possessing the privilege, granted by letters patent of ETHELRED the +Unready, of drinking the King's bathwater every Maunday Tuesday of +Leap Year). + +Awed by the name--was there not a Dawnay-Devenish occupying a plump +armchair in the Colonial Office at the time?--the Consul parted +with five hundred dollars (Mex.). Next time the yield was not so +satisfactory, not by two hundred and fifty dollars. At the end of +a month, the Consul having proved a broken reed only good for +five-dollar touches at considerable intervals, it behoved our hero to +seek some fresh source of income. He cast up-river in search of it and +disappeared from civilised ken for seven merciful years. + +In June, 1914, he beat back into port in a fancifully decorated junk, +minus one ear and two fingers, but plus a cargo of jingling genuine +money. He hired the bridal suite in the leading hotel, got hold of a +fleet of motor cars and a host of boon companions, lived on a diet +of champagne cocktails and splashed himself about with the carefree +abandon of a dancing dervish. + +By the middle of July he was "on the beach" again and once more began +to haunt the Consular office babbling of his influential relations and +his "temporary embarrassment." + +When war broke out he had thrown up the sponge altogether and "gone +yellow"; was living from hand to mouth among the Chinese. At the +end of August a ship touched at that Far Eastern port, picking up +volunteers for the Western Front. The port contributed a goodly +number, but there remained one berth vacant. The long-suffering Consul +had a stroke of inspiration. Here was a means of at once swelling +the man-power of his country and ridding himself of a pestilent +ne'er-do-well. His boys, searching far and wide, discovered John +Fanshawe in the back premises of a Malay go-down, oblivious to all +things, and bore him inanimate aboard ship. + +In this manner did our hero answer The Call. + +In due course he appeared in our reserve squadron and was detailed +to my troop. It did not take me many days to realise that I was up +against the most practised malingerer in the British (or any +other) army. Did a fatigue prove too irksome; did the jumps in the +riding-school loom too large; did the serjeant speak a harsh word unto +him, "The Beachcomber" promptly went sick. Malaria was his long suit. +By aid of black arts learned during those seven years sojourning with +the heathen Chinee he could switch malaria (or a plausible imitation +of it) on or off at will and fool the M.O.'s every time. I used to +interview them about it, but got scant sympathy. The Healers' Union +brooks no interference from outsiders. + +"Look here, that brute's bluffing you," I would protest. + +To which they would make reply, "Can you give us any scientific +explanation of how a man can fake his pulse and increase his +temperature to 102 deg. by taking thought? You can't? No, we didn't +suppose you could. Good day." + +One person, however, I did succeed in convincing, and that was the +C.O., who knew his East. "Very good," said he. "If the skunk won't +be trained he shall go untrained. He sails for France with the next +draft." + +Nevertheless our friend did not sail with the next draft. Ten minutes +after being warned for it, the old complaint caught him again, and +when the band played our lads out of barracks he was snugly tucked +away in sick-bay with sweet girl V.A.D.'s coaxing him to nibble a +little calves-foot jelly and keep his strength up. Nor did he figure +among either of the two subsequent drafts; his malaria wouldn't hear +of it. + +I went back to the land of fireworks at the head of one of these +drafts myself, freely admitting that John Fanshawe had the best of +the joke. He waved me farewell out of the hospital window by way of +emphasising this. + +The Babe followed me out shortly after, bringing about fifty men with +him. He strolled into Mess one evening and mentioned quite casually +that The Beachcomber was in camp. + +"How did you manage it?" we chorused in wonder. + +"Heard the story of his leaving China and repeated the dose," the Babe +replied. "Just before the draft was warned, my batman led him down +to Mooney's shebeen and treated him to the run of his throat--at my +expense. He came all the way as baggage." + +Thus did John Fanshawe complete the second stage of his journey to the +War. He did not remain with us long, however; a fortnight at the most. + +We were doing some digging at the time, night-work, up forward, in +clay so glutinous it would not leave the shovels and had mainly to be +clawed out by hand--filthy, back-breaking, heart-rending labour. On +calling the roll one dawn I found that The Beachcomber was missing. + +"Anybody seen anything of him?" I asked. + +"Yessir, I did," a man replied, and spat disgustedly. + +"Well," I inquired, "was he hit or anything?" + +The man grunted, "No, Sir; I don't think 'e was 'it; I think 'e was +fed up. 'Call this war, do they?' says 'e to me. 'I call it blawsted +WORK!' I told 'im to get on wiv it an' do 'is whack. + +"'E chucks a couple of spoonfuls of muck and then sits down. 'I can +feel me damned ol' malaria creepin' over me again, Jim,' says 'e. +'Noticed a Red Cross outfit in the valley; think I'll be totterin' +along there,' says 'e. 'So long.' And that was the last the regiment +saw of its Beachcomber." + + * * * * * + +"Have it as you like, Captain Dawnay-Devenish," I said, "but before I +go tell me, how did you wangle this job?" + +"Any affair of yours?" he sneered. + +"No," I admitted; "still I'm interested." + +He laughed unpleasantly. "Yes, you would be. Always infernally keen on +minding my business for me, weren't you? Well, if you must know, I was +convalescing when these same Chows started a pogrom in the next camp. +I stopped it, and the powers--who were scared stiff--tacked a stripe +on me and told me to carry on." + +"That accounts for the stripe," said I; "but what of the stars?" + +"Oh, them! We were behind the line down south last year laying a toy +railway when the Hun broke clean through in a fog. Remember? I pulled +the Chinks together and we stopped 'em. That's all." + +"Good Lord, that wasn't you, was it?" I cried. "Set about 'em with +picks and shovels, shrieking Chinese war-cries and chopped 'em to +bits. Oh, splendid! But how on earth did you rouse these tame coolies +to it?" + +The Beachcomber tugged his red moustache and laughed deprecatingly. +"It wasn't very difficult really. You see, these birds of mine are +only temporary coolies. In civilian life they're mostly river pirates, +Tong-fighters and suchlike professional cut-throats. Killing comes +natural to 'em. They only wanted somebody who could organize and lead +'em." + +"And you could?" + +The Beachcomber drew himself up proudly. + +"I should hope so. Wasn't I their Pirate King for seven long years?" + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE. + +_City Magnate_. "YOU'VE CUT ME OFF! HELL!!" + +_Sweet Voice from the other end_. "THAT WILL BE A TRUNK CALL."] + + * * * * * + +SELF-DETERMINATION IN DEVON. + + "At a public meeting at Barnstaple, the Vicar presiding, it + was decided to form a local branch of the League of + Nations."--_Western Morning News_. + +Won't WILSON be bucked? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (in foreground)._ "MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE +BRIDEGROOM _MUST_ COME TO HIS WEDDING?"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST WATCH OF THE NIGHT. + + The hand of dawn is on the door + That seals the dolorous arch of night; + Dim gardens and hushed groves once more + Dream of the half-forgotten light; + Yet all the ancient fires are cold + On altars battered and forlorn, + And men grope still for gauds of gold, + Oblivious of the imminent morn. + + When comes the dawn? Its unseen dew + Distils on folded swath and mound, + Where grass is deep or sods are new, + And branches shake without a sound; + Where, numberless and low and grey, + The furrows lessen to the sky; + There sleep the sons of England, they + Who died that England should not die. + + Better--ah, better for us all, + For them who sleep and us who wake, + That never bird at dawn should call + Nor golden foam of morning break; + That on one high cairn of the dead + The ultimate light should be unsealed, + Than that the world should live unled, + Unchanged, unpurified, unhealed. + + Life and all things that make it fair + Men gave that better lives might be; + They went exulting and aware + Forth to the great discovery; + But who will prize life over-much + Or deem that death comes over-soon + If hands of fools and barterers touch + The architrave of Hope half-hewn! + + Under a brave new baldachin, + New robes drooped o'er their crimson feet, + The old unaltered twain begin + Their ride along the embannered street; + With golden charms for men to kiss + A-swing from wrist and bridle-rein, + The brethren Pride and Avarice, + The monarchs of the world again. + + If this thing be and no new world + Rise from the old dead world beneath, + Then morning's chaplet seven-pearled + Is made the bauble-crest of death; + All dreams belied, all vows made void, + Pale Hope a wingless fugitive, + And man a stumbling anthropoid-- + Can these things be if England live? + + If England live, the anarch tide + Shall lose itself among her waves, + And the grey earth be glorified + By the young blossom on her graves; + And by her grace no power shall part; + Fulfilment from the dreams that were, + If still the music of her heart + Be theirs who lived and died for her. + + D.M.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOVE AT SEA. + +BIRD OF PEACE. "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS THE ARK?" + +MAN OF WAR. "DUNNO NOTHIN' ABOUT NO ARK; BUT WE'RE FOR ARK-ANGEL, IF +THAT'S ANY USE TO YOU."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: _Sultan Addison (his mind on the house famine)._ "TELL +ME THE STORY OF THE PALACE BUILT IN A SINGLE NIGHT."] + +_Monday, April 7th_.--The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS is determined +that there shall be no slack time in the furniture-removing industry. +To that end he is arranging that the business-premises in Kingsway +now being vacated by the Government shall be filled by the Commission +Internationale de Ravitaillement, that the Commission's old premises +shall then be occupied by the Air Ministry, and that the Hotel Cecil +shall then be restored to its original owners--unless, of course, it +should be wanted by the Department lately housed in Kingsway. "Musical +chairs," muttered Colonel WEDGWOOD. + +That was not the hon. and gallant Member's only contribution to the +gaiety of the proceedings. He essayed to move the adjournment in order +to discuss the situation of our troops in Russia, but was reminded +that there was already a motion on the Order Paper dealing with that +subject and standing in his own name. An attempt to perform the +difficult manoeuvre of getting out of his own light was frustrated by +the SPEAKER, who, to the argument that the motion on the Paper +dealt with a wider subject, replied "_Majus in se minus continet_." +Overwhelmed by this display of erudition, the victim murmured "_Der +Tag!_" and collapsed. + +In moving the Second Reading of the Housing Bill Dr. ADDISON thought +it necessary to disclaim any intention of posing as "an Oriental +potentate," modestly adding, "I do not look the part." He has, +however, one characteristic of the Eastern ruler, namely, a delight in +long stories. It took him two hours to tell the House in melancholy +monotone all about the defects of our present system and his proposals +for removing them. Unfortunately he has not the Oriental gift of +transforming slums into palaces in a single night, but hopes to +produce a similar effect by treating the local authorities with a +judicious mixture of subsidies and ginger. + +_Tuesday, April 8th_.--Congratulations to Lord ASKWITH on taking his +seat in the House of Lords and condolences (in advance) to those +foreign journals which will inevitably announce that the ex-PRIME +MINISTER has overcome his objections to taking a peerage. + +Lord BUCKMASTER'S futile attempt to resist the passage of the Military +Service Bill was chiefly remarkable for his epigrammatic description +of the present SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR--"a man of great capacity, a +man of most restless and versatile energy and unconquerable will, +and of the most vivid and most illimitable and elusive vision of +any politician of recent time." Several public schoolmasters, I +understand, have already noted its possibilities as a suitable extract +for translation into Tacitean Latin. + +Lord CURZON hastened to assure Lord BUCKMASTER that, though deprived +of his co-operation, the present Cabinet thought itself equal +to coping with Mr. CHURCHILL. As for the Bill, there were still +storm-clouds over Europe that might break at any moment; and every +threatened nationality was uttering the same cry, "Send us British +troops." Although we could not respond to all these appeals, we must +have the power to give aid when the circumstances required it. + +Some of our warriors are already experiencing the horrors of peace. +Mr. CHURCHILL has promised searching inquiry into the case of the +officer who sent a hundred-word telegram--at Government expense--about +a dog; and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, on his attention being called to the +forty-three motorcars still in use by the War Office, gave an answer +which implied an impending slump in joy-rides. + +Sir MARTIN CONWAY'S anxiety that an "archaeologically-qualified +official" should be entrusted with the duty of protecting the ancient +monuments of Mesopotamia was relieved by Mr. FISHER. Such an official +had already been sent out--not from the War Office, where all the +"archaeologically qualified" are presumably too busy--but from the +British Museum. Part of his work had been kindly done for him by the +German scientists, who had collected ninety cases of specimens, now in +our hands. The removal of bricks or other antiquities had long been +forbidden--rather a blow to Dr. ADDISON, who in the present shortage +of building material is very envious of the new Bavarian Government +with a bricklayer at its head. + +_Wednesday, April 9th_.--In the Commons Dr. MACNAMARA announced that +the Admiralty did not propose to perpetuate the title "Grand Fleet" +for the principal squadron of His Majesty's Navy. The Grand Fleet is +now a part of the history that it did so much to make. + +On the Third Reading of the Ministry of Health Bill Mr. J.H. THOMAS +made a rather ungracious allusion to the Local Government Board. _De +moribundis nil nisi bonum_ should have been his motto, especially as +the old Department has done splendid work (and never better than in +recent times under Sir HORACE MONRO) for the health and comfort of His +Majesty's lieges. + +If words were as effective as bullets the Bolshevist Government in +Russia would have but a brief existence. The rumour that LENIN had +made overtures to the Allies moved Mr. CLEM EDWARDS to a display of +virtuous vituperation that Mr. BOTTOMLEY found difficult to equal, +though he did his best. Even Colonel WEDGWOOD, though he evidently +thinks we ought to make peace with LENIN, indignantly repudiated the +suggestion that he himself is a Bolshevist. Towards the close of the +evening the HOME SECRETARY declared that no proposals from LENIN had +reached our delegates in Paris--a statement which, if made a few hours +earlier, would have rendered the debate superfluous. In his opinion +the proposals, whatever they may be, had been "made in Germany" and +should be excluded as goods of enemy origin. His statement that he was +deporting Bolshevists every day was satisfactory so far as it went, +but left the House wondering how they had been permitted to get here. + +_Thursday, April 10th_.--The House does not feel quite the same +without its BONAR, who has once more flown off to Paris. Question +after Question was "postponed" for his return. We were informed, +however, that the delay in releasing Charles the First from internment +was due to the necessity of repairing sundry damages to his fabric, +due, I understand, not to Zeppelins or Gothas, but to the corroding +tooth of Time. + +Several Questions regarding an explosive magazine at Dinas Mawddwy +have lately been addressed to the Ministry of Munitions. Hitherto +they have received rather cryptic replies, no one in the Department +apparently being prepared to pronounce the name. But this afternoon +Mr. HOPE, after a few preliminary sentences to get his voice into +condition, boldly blurted out, "Dinnus Mouthwy," and received the +tribute which the House always pays to true courage. + +[Illustration: MODIFIED MOTOR FACILITIES. + +STAFF-OFFICERS PASSING THROUGH WHITEHALL ON THEIR WAY TO LUNCHEON.] + +The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, hitherto a dual personality, is now +three single gentlemen rolled into one. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT has +accepted the leadership of a new Liberal Party, and with Colonel +GODFREY COLLINS and Mr. ALBION RICHARDSON as his attendant Whips, duly +took his seat upon the Front Bench. Someone challenged the intrusion +of non-Privy Councillors into that sacred precinct. But the SPEAKER +dismissed the objection with the remark, "There is more room upon +that bench than on any other, you know." It is expected that, in +contradistinction to the "Wee Frees," the new Party will be known as +the "Auld Lichts." + + * * * * * + + "It is impossible to plough on account of the large number of + unexploded shells and bombs buried in the soil. These are now + being employed by the Engineers."--_Evening Paper_. + +We trust they will manage to avoid the traditional fate of the +engineer. + + * * * * * + +UNEMPLOYMENT NOTES. + +Government unemployees at present engaged in drawing their weekly +donation are requested to call at the Labour Exchange every day at 10 +A.M. Morning dress. + +It is not permissible for applicants to send their wives, valets or +chauffeurs to represent them. + +Smoking is not prohibited, but applicants are requested not to offer +tobacco, cigarettes or cigars to the officials. + +Arrangements are to be made to provide entertainment by means of +concert parties and motor-trips; also newspapers and periodicals, in +which, to avoid annoyance, the "Situations Vacant" column has been +blacked out. + +It is desirable that applicants should not wear fur coats. The present +fashion does not go beyond a grey tweed lounge suit, with white spats +and velours hat. + +A limited number of openings are offered to any who care to act as +batmen to unemployed munition-workers. + +A doctor is in future to be kept at every Labour Exchange to render +first-aid to those who should be offered a situation. + +Applicants are requested not to tease the officials. + + + * * * * * + +JARGON. + +From a speech at a Medical conference:-- + + "He was ashamed of the term 'shell-shock.' It was a bad word, and + should be wiped out of the vocabulary of every scientific man. + It was really molecular abnormality of the nervous system, + characterised by abnormal reactions to ordinary stimuli."--_Daily + Paper_. + +We must try to remember this. + + * * * * * + +A MODEST ESTIMATE. + +From a publisher's advertisement:-- + + "Baroness Orczy has laid the world under a fresh debt of + gratitude. 7/- net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_. + + * * * * * + + "The question one could naturally put is, 'Has the + millennium arrived, when the lion and the lamb shall lay + together?'"--_Monthly Paper_. + +Let's hope, at all events, that the produce won't be a cockatrice's +egg. + + * * * * * + + "This is the anniversary of the death of Robert Southey in 1843. + Perhaps his most celebrated poem is the delightful 'Ode to a + Skylark,' the beginning of which 'Hail to thee, blithe spirit,' is + known to every school child."--_New York Evening Journal_. + +It seems that Truth still stands in need of propaganda in America. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amateur Photographer (on a conducted tour in +France)._"CHARMING SPOT; BUT RATHER DISAPPOINTING. I _QUITE_ HOPED IT +WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL SMASHED UP."] + + * * * * * + +FINANCIAL INTELLIGENCE. + +The decision of _The Westminster Gazette_ to return to its old figure +of a penny must not be taken as a sign that prices generally are +coming down. On the contrary there is every indication that they are +rising and will still rise, as the following symptomatic scraps of +news, gathered from all parts of the country, go to prove:-- + +The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" will, +until further notice, be eight-pence each. + + * * * * * + +A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question about +a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put under +restraint as a dangerous lunatic. + + * * * * * + +If the information that reaches us from a little bird is correct, a +boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their inveterate habit of +saying, "Cheep! Cheep!" + + * * * * * + +Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern +susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr. +HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, _The Three Black Pennys_ to _The +Three Black Half-crowns._ + + * * * * * + +All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date onwards be +two guineas. + + * * * * * + +In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with spills +made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, ten-shilling +ones. + + * * * * * + +A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious movement +afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for the National +Anthem. + + * * * * * + +The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that lawyers' +fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has now been +decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, less value +shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will in future give +only half his attention, by listening with only one ear. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "EGGS FOR SALE. + + "Why go out of ---- to be swindled? Come to the ---- Poultry Farm." + + * * * * * + + "IN MY GARDEN. + + "April 4.--Now is a suitable time to saw sweet peas."--_Daily + Mirror._ + +When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe. + + * * * * * + +L'ALLEGRO. + + Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee + Food and old festivity, + Bread and sugar white as snow, + The bacon that we used to know, + Apples cheap, and eggs and meat, + Dainty cakes with icing sweet, + And in thy right hand lead with thee + The mountain nymph (not much U.P.). + Come, and sip it as you go, + And let my not-too-gouty toe + Join the dance with them and thee + In sweet unrationed revelry; + While the grocer, free of care, + Bustles blithe and debonair, + And the milkman lilts his lay, + And the butcher beams all day, + And every warrior tells his tale + Over the spicy nut-brown ale. + Peace, if thou canst really bring + These delights, _do_ haste, old thing. + + * * * * * + + "WINTER SPORTS IN FRANCE.--Sledges were constructed out of + empty ration-boxes, whilst the old flappers used for dispersing + poison-gas from dug-outs did duty as snow-shoes."--_Daily Paper_. + +The young flappers were no doubt better engaged. + + * * * * * + +PINK GEORGETTE. + +Joyce, at breakfast that morning, had announced firmly that if I +really loved her I would take the pattern up to town with me and "see +what I could do." What she failed to realise was that, if I ventured +alone into the midst of so intimately feminine a world as Bibby and +Renns' for the purpose of matching stuff called Pink Georgette, I +should become practically incapable of doing anything at all. + +The only redeeming feature about the whole nerve-racking business was +that he found me as soon as he did. + +"Good afternoon, Sir," he said in a most ingratiating voice. "What can +we have the pleasure of showing you, Sir?" + +He was tall and handsome, with a perfectly waxed moustache and a +faultless frock-coat. He bowed before me with a sort of solicitous +curve to his broad shoulders, and the way he massaged one hand with +the other had a highly soothing effect. + +"Pink georgette, Sir? Certainly, Sir." To my inexpressible relief he +seemed to consider it the most likely request in the world. + +A moment before I had been drifting hopelessly, in a state of most +acute self-consciousness. But with him to guide me I set off quite +boldly. + +At what proved to be exactly the right spot he paused. + +"Miss Robinson," he called; "pink georgette." + +With a polite introductory wave of the hand he motioned me towards +the lady. He hovered about, near by, whilst I opened the bit of +tissue-paper containing the pattern and murmured my needs to Miss +Robinson. His very presence gave me confidence. + +When it was all over he came up and led me away. As we emerged into +the stronger light near the door I peered at him closely. Then I +touched him on the arm and beckoned him behind a couple of Paris +models. + +I took hold of his hand and wrung it fervently. + +"Sergeant Steel," I said, "you always _did_ have the knack of being in +exactly the right spot at the right moment. I haven't set eyes on you +since that very hot day in '16, when you brought up the remnants of 14 +platoon and pulled me out of that tight corner at Guillemont. That +was a valuable bit of work, Sergeant, but nothing to this--simply +nothing!" + +The solicitous curve had straightened out from his broad shoulders. +His hands had ceased their soothing massage. His heels were together, +his arms glued to his sides, his eyes glaring at a fixed point +directly over the top of my head. + +"Thought it was you, Sir, as soon as I saw you. But of course I wasn't +going to say anything till you did." It was not the ingratiating +voice now, but that rasping half-whisper he always used for nocturnal +conferences in the front line. "Never heard anything of you, Sir, +since you went down with a Blighty after Guillemont. Beg your pardon, +Sir, but you looked a bit windy as you came in just now, so I thought +I'd keep in support.... Yes, Sir, got my ticket last month--only been +back on my old job a fortnight." + +I tapped the parcel that Miss Robinson's own fair hands had made up +for me. + +"This a good issue, Sergeant?" I said. "Sound and reliable and all +that?" + +"Couldn't be better, Sir. I had my eye on her. We only drew it +ourselves lately. That's the stuff to give 'em. You can safely carry +on with that, Sir ... a perfect match ... exquisite blending of colour +... those art shades are to be very fashionable this season, I assure +you, Sir." + +Imperceptibly his hands had resumed their massage, the solicitous +curve had returned to his broad shoulders, his voice was ingratiating +again. + +"We have a large range of all the daintiest materials. I believe our +charmeuse, ninons and crepe-de-Chines to be unrivalled in town, Sir. +A little damp under foot to-day, Sir, but warmer, I think--distinctly +warmer. Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir, _Good_ day, Sir." + +And Sergeant Steel (D.C.M. and four chevrons) bowed me into the +street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I DON'T THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT ONE. IT MAKES ME LOOK +LIKE ONE OF THESE 'ERE SPANISH DANCERS."] + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP. + +MR. WELLS has a new volume of collected Prefaces coming out this week, +with an Introduction and an Epilogue by Sir HARRY JOHNSTON. It will be +remembered that in _Joan and Peter_, a comparatively early work of +Mr. WELLS--it was published, if our memory serves us, before the +Armistice--handsome acknowledgment was made of Sir HARRY JOHNSTON'S +administrative ability and high aims; and it is pleasant to know that +in the long interval that has elapsed nothing has occurred to modify +their mutual admiration. + + * * * * * + +The firm of Black and Green will shortly publish Lord DYSART'S +monumental monograph on _China Tea: the Universal Antidote._ Lord +DYSART establishes the remarkable fact that the word "dyspepsia" was +practically unknown until the introduction of Indian and Ceylon tea. +Mr. WELLS, who contributes an illuminating Preface, points out that +the troubles of Russia are entirely due to the cutting off of the +supplies of caravan tea from China (the leading Bolshevists prefer +vodka to tea in any form) and the consequent recourse to inferior +synthetic substitutes. The rival merits of cream, milk and lemon are +carefully discussed both from the gustatory and hygienic standpoint, +Mr. WELLS pronouncing in favour of lemon, in which idiosyncrasy +he resembles Mr. CONRAD and Mr. GALSWORTHY. The volume is richly +illustrated with pictures of rare tea-pots, tea-caddies and samovars, +and contains a set of humorous verses dedicated to the author by Mr. +T. LEIF JONES. + + * * * * * + +The Right Hon. REGINALD MCKENNA'S new book, _The Proud Podsnaps_, +will be his first novel, and we hear it is to be humorous. His +distinguished relative, Mr. STEPHEN MCKENNA, Mr. WELLS and Mr. HERBERT +JENKINS have all written encouraging Prefaces to it; and Master +ANTHONY ASQUITH has added two essays on commercial aviation and a +couple of brilliant caricatures of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL. + + * * * * * + +Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE'S _Life of the Kaiser_ is already far advanced, but +he has laid it on one side in order to collaborate with Sir ARTHUR +CONAN DOYLE in the authoritative biography of Sir OLIVER LODGE. It +is understood that of the chapters dealing with the physiognomy +and phrenological aspect of the subject Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE will be +exclusively responsible for those on the frontal regions of Sir +OLIVER'S cranium, while Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE will devote himself to +the occipital Hinterland. In this way it is hoped that the whole +area, which is enormous, will be adequately covered. The book will be +published by Messrs. Odder and Odder at 10s. 6d.; but a limited +number of copies, with special tambourine and planchette attachments, +will be available at L2 2s. + + * * * * * + +To the list of biographies of the PRIME MINISTER already published or +in contemplation there remains to be added one by an author who veils +his identity under the pseudonym of "Mount Carmel." It will bear the +title, _Lloyd George_--_Saint or Dragon_? and will be prefaced by an +introduction by Mr. Stickham Weed, in which that eminent publicist +discusses the antagonism of the Celtic temperament to Jugo-Slav +ideals. The book will be published at Fontainebleau. + + * * * * * + +The new Cardiff firm of Jenkins and Jones announce a novel from the +pen of Mr. Caradoc Blodwen, who had to fly from his native village +last year owing to the realistic picture he gave of local life in _The +Home of the Squinting Widows_. It is to be called _Taffy was a Thief_; +and those who have had the privilege of seeing early copies of the +book, which Mr. Blodwen wrote during his seclusion amongst the Hairy +Ainus, describe it as lurid in the extreme. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Cuthbert Skrimshanks's new novel is being looked forward to +expectantly by those who admire the vital and distinguished artistry +of his work. The author, it will be remembered, was employed in a firm +of ginger-beer bottlers before he took to literature, and Mr. WELLS, +who contributes a Preface, dwells happily on the stimulating and +phosphorescent quality which his literary work owes to his employment, +and contrasts it favourably with the flatness of Eton "Pop." + + * * * * * + +Yet another Shakspearean volume, which promises to be of engrossing +interest, has been written by Lord BLEDISLOE. It is to be called +_Bacon and Hamlet_, and Sir THOMAS LIPTON has contributed an +Introduction, in which the organisation of the food supply in the +Elizabethan age is exhaustively described. This exhaustive work, which +is dedicated to General STORRS, the Governor of Jerusalem, will be +published by Messrs. FORTNUM and MASON. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Nurse (reproachfully)._ "WHO DIDN'T FOLD UP HIS +TROUSERS WHEN HE WENT TO BED?" + +_Tony_. "I KNOW. ADAM. I CAN ALWAYS GUESS THESE SUNDAY RIDDLES."] + + * * * * * + +"C'EST LA GUERRE." + +A brace of chemists' labels:-- + + This preparation is issued in amber glass pots, as a War Emergency + Measure, when white glass is not available owing to shortage." + + "War Bottle. Amber glass is not obtainable just now, so we have to + use white glass. May we ask you to grant us your kind indulgence + under the circumstances?" + + * * * * * + + "A bullet fired at a pig from a humane killer, struck the wall + of a Merthyr Tydvil slaughterhouse, ricochetted and wounded a + butcher's manager."--_Daily Paper_. + +The victim regards the name of the instrument as most inept. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Salvesen, the presiding judge, arrived in Aberdeen on Monday + night, and gave a winner in the Palace Hotel."--_Sunday Paper_. + +We hope to meet him in London before the Derby. + + * * * * * + +POLLY. + +_(With acknowledgments to Mr. KIPLING.)_ + + I went into a private 'ouse to get a place as cook; + The lady ups an' greets me with a most angelic look: + "I've just been makin' tea," she sez, "I 'opes as you will try + These little scones wot I 'ave baked;" and to myself sez I: + "It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' 'Polly, scrub the + floor,' + But it's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the + bloomin' War; + We won the bloomin' War, my girls, we won the bloomin' War, + It's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the + bloomin' War." + + The lady she was out to please; we talked about the weather, + An' when the tea was done we smoked a cigarette together, + An' then we talked o' jazzin' an' the BILLIE CARLETON case, + An' so we come in course o' time to talkin' o' the place. + + "You won't mind cookin' lunch?" sez she. Sez I, "Without a doubt, + On Toosdays an' on Fridays, which they ain't my 'alf-days out; + An' dinner, too, I'll manage"--'ere the lady give a grin-- + "On Mondays an' on Thursdays, which they 'll be my evenings in." + + "An' wot about the breakfast?" "Don't you worry, mum," sez I, + "I'm willin' to oblige you every single blessed dye, + Bar Sundays, when my young man comes; 'e's such a bloomin' toff, + 'E takes me up the river, so I takes the 'ole day off." + + "That's excellent," the lady sez, "I'll easy do the rest, + So if you come, Miss Perkins, you will be our honoured guest, + For Mr. Vere de Vere an' I do all we can an' more + To please the splendid women wot 'ave bin an' won the War." + + Well, seein' as the lady seemed to 'ave the proper view, + I took the situation an' I 'opes as it will do. + Of course there may be drawbacks, but you can't get _all_ you wish, + For aprons ain't quite overalls an' cookin' ain't munish. + It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' "Ugh! the mutton's red;" + But it's "_Won't_ you come, Miss Perkins?" now we're paid to + stay in bed; + An' it's Polly this, an' Polly that, an' anythink you please; + An' Polly ain't a bloomin' fool--you bet that Polly sees! + + * * * * * + +"LES BEAUX ESPRITS SE RENCONTRENT." + + "Persons expressing unpopular views (by which I mean views opposed + to such patriots as Horatio Bottomley, Colonel Lowther, and + our own hon. and gallant member of Parliament, et hog genus + omne)."--_Letter in "The Daily News_." + + "There have been more pig posts than there have been big men able + to fill them.--Mr. Bonar Law."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + + * * * * * + +From an article on the Zeebrugge exploit:-- + + "An on-shore wind was needed to carry the fog-screen in advance + of the blockships. Absence of fog was essential. A fog would be + beneficial. These desiderata postulated a concurrence of + favourable conditions, and on April 23 they were not all + present."--_Cologne Post_. + +We gather that the Censor, shortly to be demobilised at home, still +maintains his watch on the Rhine. + + * * * * * + +CRITICISM IN EXCELSIS. + +There was a good deal of excitement in the Elysian Fields when the +news went round that the Committee had exercised their power of +electing a certain distinguished Shade to full membership of the +Asphodel Club without a ballot. The general opinion seemed to be that +the Committee had acted wisely, and that the election was in every way +justified. A few members, however, expressed disapproval, not so +much on account of any demerits of his own as of the effect that his +election might produce on the sensitive minds of some who were already +members. + +"This Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON," said one who had been busy in canvassing +opinions, "is fully qualified for membership, but I fear he may have a +deleterious effect on JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. Did he not roughly +criticise them in his _Lives of the Poets_, and do you think that +MILTON is one who will sit down tamely under the affront? MILTON has +been for years and is still one of our most distinguished members. +Indeed, he has almost the standing amongst us of a highly-respected +Bishop. He uses the Club a great deal, and I fear his comfort will be +much reduced by the admission of one who regards his poetry with a +hostile eye." + +"In what way," said another, "has the denouncer of SALMASIUS become +entitled to complain of rough attacks? Nor has his character been +assailed. In that he remains episcopal. Only in his poetry is he made +to suffer." + +"But he is made to suffer pretty heavily," said a third. "Hear what +JOHNSON said with regard to our friend's _Lycidas_:-- + +"'One of the poems on which much praise has been bestowed is +_Lycidas_; of which the diction is harsh, the rhymes uncertain and the +numbers unpleasing. What beauty there is we must therefore seek in the +sentiments and images. It is not to be considered as the effusion of +real passion; for passion runs not after remote allusions and obscure +opinions. Passion plucks no berries from the myrtle and ivy, nor calls +upon Arethuse and Mincius, nor tells of rough _satyrs_ and _fauns +with cloven heel_. Where there is leisure for fiction there is little +grief. + +"'In this poem there is no nature for there is no truth; there is no +art for there is nothing new. Its form is that of a pastoral: easy, +vulgar and therefore disgusting.' + +"Do you call that criticism?" + +"Ah, but listen," said another and much agitated Shade, "to what he +says of our respected THOMAS GRAY. The Committee must have forgotten +how it goes:-- + +"These odes are marked by glittering accumulation of ungraceful +ornaments; they strike rather than please; the images are magnified by +affectation, the language is laboured into harshness. The mind of the +writer seems to work with unnatural violence. _Double, double, toil +and trouble_. He has a kind of strutting dignity and is tall by +walking on tiptoe." + +The agitated Shade was about to proceed further with his protest when +a sound of cheering stopped him. And lo and behold! an approving +throng was circling round the new member, and in the thick of it were +JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF," ETC. + +From a Girl Guides' report:-- + + "The thanks of the Association are due to the following ladies who + have resigned...." + + * * * * * + + "Sir George Newman and Mr. Philip Snowden have resigned their + membership of the Central Control Board" (Liquor Traffic). + + "Caruso has sung at 550 performances."--_Evening Paper_. + +All the same, there seems to have been a lack of harmony. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady (who has called on two successive Wednesdays, the +fourth and fifth of the month, and has been told each time that Lady +Smith-Robinson is not at home)._ "BUT I THOUGHT HER LADYSHIP WAS AT +HOME ON ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS?" + +_Parlourmaid (with dignity)._ "NO, MADAM. HER LADYSHIP IS AT HOME ON +THE FIRST AND THIRD WEDNESDAYS IN THE MONTH; BUT WHEN THERE IS A FIFTH +WEDNESDAY THAT IS TO _OUR_ ADVANTAGE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_My War Experiences in Two Continents_ (MURRAY) is made up of the +diary and letters of Miss MACNAUGHTAN, written during her search for +work that might help in the great Task. The book, it is sad to say, +must serve as her memorial to those many whom she has amused by her +bright and wholesome stories. Worn out by labours and quests beyond +her strength she fell sick at Teheran in 1916 and returned to England +to die. In 1914 she had done fine service with her soup-kitchen in +Flanders, where her energy and almost too tender sympathy had full +scope and the reward of good work accomplished. She seemed also to be +happy in her lecture tour on her return to England, trying to arouse +the sluggish-minded to a sense of the gravity of the business. But +in her Russian and Persian adventure it is clear that she was deeply +disappointed at feeling herself unwanted and useless in a region +of waste and muddle. It is probable that for all her courage and +unselfish devotion she was too sensitive to the suffering she +encountered ever to attain the routine indifference which makes work +among such horrors possible. Her deep religious convictions aggravated +rather than eased that suffering. She was honestly old-fashioned and +never took quite kindly to the khaki-breeched free-spoken young women +of the subsidiary war services, had a hatred of muddle and was a +little severe on men, though acknowledging that "young men are the +kindest members of the human race." True this, I should say, who am no +longer young. "The war is fine, _fine_, FINE, though I don't get near +the fineness except in the pages of _Punch_." Charming of her to say +that. + + * * * * * + +The heroine of _Miss Fingal_ (BLACKWOOD) is called by her publishers +"a woman whose distinguishing trait is femininity," to which they add, +with obvious truth, "a refreshing creation in these days." Really, +in this one phrase Messrs. BLACKWOOD have covered the ground so +comprehensively that I have little more to do than subscribe my +signature. To fill in details, Mrs. W.K. CLIFFORD'S latest is a +quietly sympathetic tale about a lonely gentlewoman (this you can take +either as one or two words) rescued from a life of penury by the +will of a rich uncle, transferred from her tiny flat in Battersea to +Bedford Square and a country cottage, expanding in prosperity, and +generally proving the old adage that where there's a will there's a +way, indeed several ways, of spending the result agreeably. As I have +said, it is all the gentlest little comedy of happiness, not specially +exciting perhaps. I find it characteristic of Mrs. CLIFFORD'S method +that the only at all violent incident, a railway smash, happens +discreetly out of sight, and does no more than provide its victim +with an enjoyable convalescence, and the attentive reader with the +suggestion of a psychological problem that is both unnecessary and +unconvincing. The best of the tale is its picture of _Miss Fingal_ +herself, rescued from premature decay and gradually recovering her +youth under the stimulus of new interests and opportunities. Whether +the now rather too familiar _Kaiser-ex-machina_ solution was needed in +order to rid the stage of a superfluous character is open to question; +but at all events it leaves _Miss Fingal_ happy in companionship and +assured of the success that waits upon a satisfactory finish. + + * * * * * + +"How can I"--I seem to hear the author of _Elizabeth and Her German +Garden_ communing with herself--"how can I write a story, with all +my necessary Teutonic ingredients in it, which shall be popular even +during the War?" And then I seem to see the satisfaction with which +she hit upon the solution of inventing pretty twin girls of seventeen, +an age which permits remarks with a sting in them to be uttered +apparently in innocence and yet is marriageable or, at any rate, +engageable; making them orphans; giving them a German father and +an English mother, and very mixed sympathies, in which England +predominates; and sending them to America to pass its novelty under +their candid European eyes. Much of the satisfaction which her scheme +must have given to the authoress of _Christopher and Columbus_ +(MACMILLAN) is shared by its readers, although the feeling that it has +been made to order to fit a difficult market is never absent. For much +of the dialogue, and often when most amusing, does not ring true, +and we are occasionally asked to believe that the twins could be far +slower in the uptake than at other, and less inconvenient, times they +show themselves to be. But the book is another sufficing proof that +the male sex has no monopoly of humour. + + * * * * * + +Mr. CHRISTOPHER CULLEY, in his rather superfluous and petulant preface +to _Billy McCoy_ (CASSELL), observes that such reviewers as "may find +time to skip through its pages" will probably call it a Romance. Well, +skipping or not, here is one reviewer who will not disappoint him. +A story of a hero who adventures into sinister places, disregards +repeated warnings to "go back ere it is too late" (or the American for +that entrancing formula), meets there a Distressed Damsel and kisses +her as introduction, and finally, after an infinity of perils, is +left with the D.D. as his B.B., or blushing bride--this I state +emphatically to be not only Romance, but a most excellent brand of +that article. What however Mr. CULLEY seems most to fear is that we +shall think that _McCoy_ himself and the whole setting (New Mexican +scenes) are all make-believe. He need have had no such alarm in my +case. I have, I remember, already commented on the admirable reality +of his cowboys, as exemplified in the hero of a previous story. +_Billy_, if just a little less convincing, is in many ways a worthy +companion. But Mr. CULLEY'S heroines always strike me as inferior to +his men. They have the air of hanging about in corners of the tale, +and generally of being rather a nuisance than a delight to their +creator. But the heroine of _Billy McCoy_ makes hardly a pretence +of being other than a lay figure; without her it would be just as +entertaining and exciting, if perhaps less completely furnished for +Romance. + + * * * * * + +While reading _"Q" Boat Adventures_ (JENKINS) I kept on telling myself +that it ought to be read in small doses if the greatest enjoyment +was to be got from it; but all the same I could not let it out of my +hands. "The 'Q' boat," says Lieutenant-Commander AUTEN, V.C., "was a +'stunt' possible only to a nation of sailors. Officers might be found +for 'Q' boats in any country with a seaboard; but men--no;" and I +imagine that few Englishmen will be found to deny this statement. +Elizabethan days for all their spaciousness contained nothing more +incredibly brave than the exploits of these decoy boats, exploits +which could only be carried out if absolutely every man taking part in +them played his role to perfection. And it cannot be too widely noted +that after the Huns had become suspicious the "Q" boat had to invite +a torpedo as a preliminary to real business. Officers and men alike +deserve all the gratitude their nation can give them, not only for +their courage in action, but also for their patience when spending +dreary months without getting to grips with the enemy. Few things are +more demoralizing than to wait to be attacked and to find no one kind +enough to accommodate you; but even during all these long periods +of inaction the discipline and keenness of the "Q" boat crews never +relaxed. Lieut.-Commander AUTEN has done a great service in telling us +of these astounding achievements and of the infinite difficulties in +the way of their successful accomplishment. We may be a nation of +short memories, but it is impossible to believe that our "Q" boats +will ever be forgotten. + + * * * * * + +Anything more Pettridgian than _The Bustling Hours_ (METHUEN) cannot +be conceived and cannot certainly be written. That means that Mr. PETT +RIDGE'S latest book will be heartily welcomed and thoroughly enjoyed +by the large circle of his readers. Mr. PETT RIDGE is as good as a +tonic in these depressing days, and without any effort he keeps at a +high level of sane cheerfulness. His heroine is a certain _Dorothy +Gainsford_, who has the gift of turning up at exactly the right moment +and of getting exactly the right thing done, or more often of doing it +herself. She really is a marvel and the last word in efficiency. There +is only one thing at which I hint a doubt or hesitate dislike. She +takes a banjo with her to a picnic on the Upper Thames. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Professor (who has inadvertently pulled the +shower-bath handle)._ "TYPICAL APRIL WEATHER!"] + + * * * * * + + There was a young man who said, "How, + With the minimum sweat of my brow, + Can I find jobs to do + For a maximum screw?" + So they said to him, "Why not try Slough?" + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +156, APRIL 16, 1919*** + + +******* This file should be named 11732.txt or 11732.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/3/11732 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** |