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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+April 16, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 16, 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 27, 2004  [eBook #11732]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 156, APRIL 16, 1919***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11732-h.htm or 11732-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h/11732-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 156
+
+APRIL 16, 1919
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+We understand that a proposal to send a relief party to America
+to rescue Scotsmen from the threatened Prohibition law is under
+consideration.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that _The Times_ is about to announce that it does not
+hold itself responsible for editorial opinions expressed in its own
+columns.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent, complaining of the tiny flats in London, states that
+he is a trombone-player, and every time he wants to get the lowest
+note he has to go out on to the landing.
+
+       ***
+
+In Essex Street, Shoreditch--so Dr. ADDISON explained to the House
+of Commons--there are seven hundred and thirty-three people in
+twenty-nine houses. A correspondent writes that a single house in the
+neighbourhood of Big Ben contains seven hundred and seven persons,
+many of them incapable, and that nothing is being done about it.
+
+       ***
+
+"The Original Dixie Land Jazz Band has arrived in London," says an
+evening paper. We are grateful for the warning.
+
+       ***
+
+Over two hundred season-ticket-holders live within a mile radius at
+Southend. We suppose there must be some attraction at Southend to
+explain why so many season-ticket-holders live there.
+
+       ***
+
+We are pleased to be able to throw some light on the mystery of the
+Russian who was not shot in Petrograd last week. It appears that he
+ducked his head.
+
+       ***
+
+We await confirmation of the report that an American has offered to
+defray the cost of the War if the authorities will name it after him.
+
+       ***
+
+The Surplus Government Property Disposal Board is making a special
+offer of eighteen-pounder guns to golf clubs. For a long shot out of a
+bad lie the superiority of the eighteen-pounder over the Sammie cleek
+is conceded by all the best golfers.
+
+       ***
+
+Westgate-on-Sea has decided to abolish bathing-machines. In future
+visitors desiring to bathe will have to do it by hand.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. KELLAWAY informed the House of Commons the other day that the War
+Office has forty million yards of surplus aeroplane linen. It seems
+inevitable that some of it will have to be washed in public.
+
+       ***
+
+A woman aged twenty-six, mother of five children, told the Old Street
+police magistrate that she could not read. How she managed to have
+five children without being able to read the Defence of the Realm
+Regulations is regarded by the authorities as a mystery.
+
+       ***
+
+At the Royal Drawing Society's exhibition there is a picture painted
+by a child of two. Pictures by older artists, with all the appearances
+of having been painted by children of this unripe age, are, of course,
+no novelty.
+
+       ***
+
+"Whitehall Wakes Up," says _The Evening News_. An indignant denial of
+this charge is hourly expected.
+
+       ***
+
+A Northumberland man last week declined to draw his unemployment pay
+on the ground that he was not actually wanting it. His workmates put
+it down to the alleged fact that a careless nurse had let him fall out
+of the perambulator on to his head.
+
+       ***
+
+"Unless Russian women join the Bolshevist movement," says Herr RADEK,
+"they will all be shot by order of Lenin." This confirms our worst
+fears that these Russian revolutionaries are becoming rather spiteful.
+
+       ***
+
+A new fire-engine has been provided for Aberavon. As a result of this
+addition to their appliances the Aberavon Fire Brigade are now able to
+consider a few additional fires.
+
+       ***
+
+A large rat with peculiar red markings on its back has recently been
+seen at Woodvale, Isle of Wight. In consequence much alarm is felt
+locally, as it is feared that this is an indication that the rodents
+on the isle have embraced Bolshevism.
+
+       ***
+
+The correspondent who, as reported in these columns, noticed a pair
+of labourers building within a stone's-throw of Catford Bridge, now
+writes to say that a foundation stone has been laid.
+
+       ***
+
+Philanthropists are warned against a beggar who is going about saying
+that, when wounded in France, he was so full of bullets that they took
+him back to the Base in an ammunition wagon instead of an ambulance.
+
+       ***
+
+The reported decision of the Sinn Fein Executive, that policemen shall
+only be shot at on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, has definitely
+eased a situation which it was feared could only be coped with by
+arresting the instigators of such crimes.
+
+       ***
+
+In a recent suit for alimony a wealthy New Yorker complained that his
+wife used a diamond-studded watch for a golf tee. If she had only
+wasted the money on a new ball he would never have complained.
+
+       ***
+
+Experiments in rat-killing, says a news item, are being carried out at
+the Zoo. At the time of writing the reticulated python is said to be
+leading the whale-headed stork by a matter of three rats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Husband (just arrived home)._ "WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU
+BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF?"
+
+_Wife_, "ONLY THE COAL-MAN'S BEEN AT LAST, AND I SIMPLY COULDN'T
+RESIST GIVING THE DEAR MAN A KISS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of a breach of promise case:--
+
+    "The engagement came about through a chance meeting in Richmond
+    Park in the summer of 117."--_Daily Herald_.
+
+Despite the happy case of Jacob and Rachel, we never have approved of
+these long engagements.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PAYING GAME.
+
+  When Belgium lay beneath your heel
+    To prove the law that Might is Right,
+  And Innocence, without appeal,
+    Must serve your scheme of _Schrecklichkeit_,
+  "Justice," we said, "abides her day
+    And she shall set her balance true;
+  Methods like yours can never pay."
+    "Can't they?" you cried; "they can--and do!"
+
+  And now full circle comes the wheel,
+    And, prone across the knees of Fate,
+  You are to hear, without appeal,
+    The final terms that we dictate;
+  And, when you whine (the German way)
+    On presentation of the bill:
+  "_Ach, Himmel!_ we can never pay,"
+    "Can't you?" we'll cry; "you can--and will!"
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF PEACE.
+
+I'm not out of the Army yet, but lately I was home on leave. At a time
+like that you don't really care about being demobilised just yet.
+After all, to earn--or let us say to be paid--several pounds for a
+fortnight's luxurious idleness is a far, far better thing than to
+receive about the same number of shillings for a like period of
+unremitting toil. There you have an indication of the financial
+prospects of my civvy career. None the less, to me in Blighty the
+future looked as rosy as a robin's breast, and life was immensely
+satisfactory. I deemed that I was capable of saying "Ha, ha" among
+the captains (though myself only boasting two pips). Then one day, in
+the lane that leads to the downs, I met Woggles.
+
+I've known Woggles for years and years. Some time ago she became a
+V.A.D. and began to drive an ambulance about France; since when I had
+lost sight of her. I greeted her therefore with jubilation.
+
+"Oh, Woggles," I cried, "this is a great occasion. How shall we
+celebrate it?"
+
+"Well, if you like I'll go back again on to the top with you and show
+you the Weald. But I'd much rather you came home to tea. I _could_
+make some 'Dog's Delight'--s'posing you haven't outgrown such simple
+tastes."
+
+"Oh, if you put it like that," I said cheerfully.
+
+Well, it was a bitter sort of afternoon and growing late. The
+annoyance of Bogie (an enthusiastic puppy) at missing his walk might
+appropriately be solaced with portions of "Dog's Delight." It's a
+large home-made bun thing which used to delight me as well as Bogie's
+mother in days gone by.
+
+"I ought to warn you," said Woggles as we walked across the fields,
+"that Mother and Dad are out to-day. I expect your dog'll have to take
+acting rank as chaperon."
+
+"By the way," I said, "you don't know each other, do you?" I called
+Bogie, who was giving a vivid imitation of a cavalry screen protecting
+our advance, and made him sit up and pretend to be begging. "Now
+fix your eyes on the kind lady," I commanded. "Woggles--Bogie:
+Bogie--Woggles. Two very nice people." Bogie barked, put out his
+tongue and let the wind blow his left ear inside out. Woggles laughed
+in that excellent way she has.
+
+At the Rectory she sang to me even better than she used to; the
+"Delight" was an achievement, Bogie being most agreeably surprised;
+there was a glow of firelight such as I love, and a vast comfortable
+chair. I felt lazy and very happy.
+
+"This tea idea of yours was simply an inspiration. I don't know when
+I've been so pleased with myself and existence generally. At the
+moment my _moral_ is as high as Mount Everest."
+
+"Yes, I noticed something like that," Woggles agreed. "More tea?
+It's only about your fifth cup." Suddenly serious, she went on: "I
+wonder--is there much to be happy about just now? Dad thinks not; and
+so do I, rather. Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather
+find faces in the fire?"
+
+"Please I want to talk about it."
+
+"Carry on then. Fortify yourself with that last bit of 'Delight.'"
+
+In spite of this reinforcement I found it wasn't so very easy to
+begin.
+
+"Well," I said slowly, "I expect the foundation of my _joie de vivre_
+is a great relief that the War's over. Lots of troops celebrated that
+with song and dance and so forth on November 11th and subsequent
+nights; I'm spreading it over a much longer time. In a way it's like
+having a death sentence repealed, for millions of us. Not the heroic
+spirit, is it?--but there you are."
+
+"Of course everyone feels that," Woggles admitted. "Only now that it
+_is_ all over, aren't we sort of looking round and counting the cost?
+Thinking that all this loss of life and suffering hasn't made the
+world so very much better? Look at Russia and our strikes. Doesn't
+Bolshevism worry you?" she asked.
+
+"The fact is," I told her, "I believe I've evolved a philosophy of
+life which nothing of that kind can seriously disturb--or I hope not.
+It's very jolly to feel like that."
+
+"It must be. May we have this philosophy, please? Perhaps you'll make
+a disciple."
+
+"It's an awfully simple one really, only I think people lose sight of
+it so strangely. Just to realise the extraordinary pleasure everyday
+things can give you--if you'll only let them. You compree that?"
+
+"It doesn't sound very convincing," Woggles objected. "Everyday
+things! As for instance?"
+
+"Oh, what shall I say? One of those really fine mornings; huge white
+clouds in a deep blue sky; the feel of a good drive at golf; smoke
+from cottage chimneys at dusk; wondering what's round the next corner
+of an unknown road; bare branches at night with the stars tangled in
+them; the wind that blows across these downs of ours; the music of a
+sentence of STEVENSON'S; Bogie here and his funny little ways--Well, I
+needn't go on?"
+
+"No, you needn't," said Woggles thoughtfully and looked at me rather
+hard for a space. "We're old friends, aren't we, and all that sort of
+thing?" she demanded.
+
+"What a question! I hope we are. But why?"
+
+"Well, I'm going to ask you something. But I may say I'm rather
+nervous. You'll promise not to set Bogie at me or strangle me with
+your Sam Browne?"
+
+"I will."
+
+"Well, then, have you been asking Betty Willoughby to marry you, and
+has she said 'Yes'?"
+
+I was amazed. Was Woggles also among the soothsayers? Because a few
+evenings earlier, with the help of a splendid full moon and one or two
+extenuating circumstances--
+
+"But this is black magic and wizardry," I said. "It's a dead secret.
+How on earth did you know?"
+
+"Oh, I just guessed," said Woggles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MATRIMONIAL MARKET.
+
+    "Young Girl Wanted, for Wife of Naval Officer."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+The Navy may be the Silent Service, but when it does speak it is very
+direct.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EASTER OFFERING.
+
+MR. LLOYD GEORGE _(fresh from Paris)._ "I DON'T SAY IT'S A PERFECT
+EGG; BUT PARTS OF IT, AS THE SAYING IS, ARE EXCELLENT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel (back with his battalion from front lines--to
+horsey and immaculate Railway Transport, Officer)._ "ENGINES A BIT
+FRISKY THIS MORNING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROPAGANDA IN THE BALKANS.
+
+At the end of September last those whom we in Macedonia had come
+to regard as our deadly enemies became our would-be friends with a
+suddenness which was almost painful. Kultur is a leavening influence,
+and our spurious local Hun in Bulgaria is every bit as frightful in
+war and as oily in defeat as the genuine article on the Rhine.
+
+To escape this unfamiliar and rather overpowering atmosphere of
+friendliness our section of the Salonica Force immediately made for
+the nearest available enemy and found ourselves at a lonely spot on
+the Turkish frontier. The name of the O.C. Local Bulgars began with
+Boris, and he was a _Candidat Offizier_ or Cadet, and acting Town
+Major. As an earnest of good-will, he showed us photos of his home,
+before and after the most recent _pogrom_, and of his grandfather, a
+bandit with a flourishing practice in the Philippopolis district, much
+respected locally.
+
+We took up our dispositions, and shortly all officers were engaged
+sorting out the suspicious characters arrested by the sentries. It was
+in this way that I became acquainted with Serge Gotastitch the Serb.
+
+When he was brought before me I sent for Aristides Papazaphiropoulos,
+our interpreter, and in the meantime delivered a short lecture to the
+Sergeant-Major, Quartermaster-Sergeant and Storeman on the inferiority
+of the Balkan peoples, with particular reference to the specimen
+before us, to whom, in view of the fact that he seemed a little below
+himself, I gave a tot of rum. He eyed it with suspicion.
+
+"What's this?" he asked suddenly (in English). "Whisky?"
+
+I informed him that it was rum.
+
+"That's the goods," he said, and drank it. I then commenced
+interrogation.
+
+"You are a Bulgar?" I asked.
+
+"No," said Serge cheerlessly, "I am Serb."
+
+"Serb! Then what are you doing here?"
+
+"I hail from Prilep," he explained. "When Bulgar come Prilep, they
+say, 'You not Serb; you Bulgar.' So they bringit me here with others,
+and I workit on railroad. My family I not know where they are; no
+clothes getting, no money neither. English plenty money," he added, _a
+propos_ of nothing.
+
+I ignored the hint.
+
+"Then you are a prisoner of war?" I suggested.
+
+"In old time," he continued, "Turks have Prilep. I go to America and
+workit on railroad Chicago--three, four year. When I come back Turks
+take me for army. Not liking I desert to Serbish army. When war
+finish, Serbs have Prilep. I go home Serbish civil. Then this war
+start. Bulgar come to Prilep and say, 'You Bulgar, you come work for
+us.' You understahn me, boss?"
+
+"I must look into this," I said to the Sergeant-Major. "Send for the
+interpreter and ask the Bulgar officer to step in. He's just going
+past."
+
+Boris arrived with a salute and a charming smile and listened to my
+tale. Then he turned a cold eye on Serge and burst into a torrent of
+Bulgarian, under which Serge stood with lifting scalp.
+
+"Sir," faltered Serge, when the cascade ceased, "I am liar. All I said
+to you is false. I am good Bulgar. I hate Serbs."
+
+"Then you are not, in fact, a Serb?" I said.
+
+"Nope," said Serge, nodding his head frantically (the Oriental method
+of negation).
+
+"Do you want to go home?" I asked cunningly.
+
+"Sure, boss," replied he. "Want to go Chicago."
+
+Boris uttered one blasting guttural and Serge receded to the horizon
+with great rapidity. "You understand, _mon ami_," explained Boris; "he
+is really a Bulgar, but the villainous Serb propagandists have taught
+him the Serbian language and that he is Serb. It is his duty really to
+fight or work for Bulgaria, just as it was ours to liberate him and
+his other Bulgar brothers in Serbia from the yoke of the Serbs. It is
+understood, my friend?"
+
+"Oh, absolutely," I replied.
+
+He withdrew, exchanging a glance of hatred with Aristides
+Papazaphiropoulos, who approached saluting with Hellenic fervour.
+
+"You wish me, Sare?" he asked.
+
+"I did," I answered, and outlined to him what had passed. "Is it true
+that propaganda is, or are, used to that extent?"
+
+"It is true," he answered sadly. "The Serb has much propagandism, the
+Bulgar also. But in this case both are liars, since the population of
+Prilep is rightfully Greek."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Three days later Boris appeared before me with a sullen face.
+
+"I wish to complain," he said. "You have with you a Greek, one
+Papazaphiropoulos. It is forbidden by the terms of the Armistice that
+Greeks should come into Bulgaria. Greeks or Serbs--it is expressly
+stated. I wish to complain."
+
+"You are wrong," I replied. "He is no Greek. He is a Bulgar. But the
+cunning Greek propagandists have taught him the Greek language and
+that he is a Greek. It is really his duty to be the first to rush on
+to the soil of his beloved Bulgaria--"
+
+"Ach!" said Boris, grinding his teeth; "you mock our patriotism. You
+are an Englishman."
+
+"I don't," I replied. "And I'm not. I'm French. We came over in
+1066. You ask my aunt at Tunbridge Wells. But the villainous English
+propagandists taught me English, and the Scotch gave me a taste for
+whisky, and--"
+
+But Boris had faded away.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALARMING: SPREAD OF CANNIBALISM.
+
+    "AUSTRALIANS IN FRANCE.
+
+    "THIRD OF GERMAN ARMY EATEN."
+    _Queensland Paper_.
+
+    "THOROUGHLY Experienced Cook. Capable cooking large
+    family."--_Ceylon Paper_.
+
+    "WANTED, Smart Young Man or Woman, for frying."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Born Grumbler_. "FOR OVER FOUR YEARS I'VE BATTLED
+FURIOUSLY AGAINST A 'ARD AN' BITTER FOE. AN' 'ERE I AM CONSTRUCTIN' A
+WOODEN' 'ORSE FOR THE CAPTIN'S SON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A YOUNG SUB.
+
+_(By a late one.)_
+
+  Sublime young Sir, so nuttily complacent,
+    So airy-poised upon thy rubbered feet,
+  The cynosure, no doubt, of all adjacent
+    Regard along that hit of Regent Street,
+  My thanks. In rather less than half a twinkling
+    Thy lofty air and high Olympian gaze
+  Have taught me that of which I had no inkling
+    Throughout my swashing military days.
+
+  I too (_et ego in Arcadia vixi_)--
+    I too have strolled like that in London town,
+  Demanding homage from the very bricks I
+    Pressed with my shoes of scintillating brown;
+  But never till I tried the fair corrective
+    Of seeing khaki from a civvy suit
+  Could I envisage in its true perspective
+    That common circumstance, a Second-Loot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT DEAD YET.
+
+    "The Hungarian Soviet Government has adopted a non-posthumous
+    attitude."--_Globe_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Host (to visitor just arrived)._ "GET YOUR OVERCOAT
+OFF QUICKLY, MAN; THEN HE'LL THINK YOU BELONG TO THE HOUSE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PASSING OF GREEK.
+
+A great thanksgiving meeting (postponed till "Summer-time" on account
+of the shortage of artificial heat) was held at the Albert Hall last
+Saturday to celebrate the dethronement of Greek at Oxford. Mr. H.G.
+WELLS presided, and there was a numerous attendance.
+
+Mr. WELLS, while he struck and maintained a jubilant note throughout
+his eloquent speech, tempered enthusiasm with caution. The Grecians,
+he said, like the Greeks, were wily folk and capable of shamming dead
+while they were all the while scheming and plotting to restore their
+imperilled supremacy. Indeed he knew it as a fact that some of the
+most infatuated scholars actually voted against compulsion, simply to
+confuse the issue. Still, for the moment it was a great victory, a
+crushing blow to Oxford, the stronghold of mediaevalism, incompetence
+and Hanoverianism, and an immense relief to the sorely-tried physique
+of the nation. For he was able to assure them, speaking with the
+authority of one who had taken first-class honours in Zoology, that
+the study of Greek more than anything else predisposed people to
+influenza by promoting cachexia, often leading to arterio-sclerosis,
+bombination of the tympanum, and even astigmatism of the pineal gland.
+(Sensation.)
+
+Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, M.P., speaking from the seat of an aeroplane,
+said that he had found the little Greek he remembered from his
+school-days not only no help but a positive hindrance to his advocacy
+of a strong Air policy. The efforts of the Greeks as pioneers of
+aviation were grossly exaggerated and, speaking as an expert, he
+denounced these literary fictions as so much hot air. There were at
+least forty-seven thousand reasons against Greek, but he would
+be content with two. It didn't pay, and it was much harder than
+Esperanto.
+
+Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX in a most impressive speech said that he was
+no enemy of ancient learning. Egyptology was only a less favourite
+recreation with him than revolver practice. But Greek he could never
+abide, and he was confirmed in his instinct by the fact that at all
+the sixteen Courts where he had been received and decorated Classical
+Greek was practically unknown. It was the same in his travels in
+Morocco, Algeria, Kabylia, among the Touaregs, the Senussis and the
+pygmies of the Aruwhimi Hinterland. He never heard it even alluded to.
+Nor had he found it necessary for his investigations into the secret
+service of Foreign Powers, the writing of spy stories, the forecasting
+of the Great War or the composition of cinema plays. He had done his
+best to procure the prohibition of the study of Greek in the Republic
+of San Marino, and he was inclined to trace the present financial
+crisis in that State to his failure. (Cheers.)
+
+Mr. BERNARD SHAW struck a somewhat jarring note by the cynical remark
+that it would be a very good thing for modern sensational authors if
+Greek literature were not only neglected but destroyed, as some of the
+Classical authors had been guilty of prospective plagiarism on a large
+scale. He knew this as a fact, as he had been recently reading LUCIAN
+in a crib and found him devilish amusing. (Uproar and cries of
+"Shame!")
+
+A moving letter was read from Lord BEAVERBROOK, in which the great
+financier declared that, in arriving at the peerage at the age of
+thirty-seven, he had found his inability to read HOMER freely in the
+original no handicap or hindrance. He pointed out the interesting fact
+that Lord NORTHCLIFFE, who reached a similar elevation at the age of
+forty, had never composed any Greek iambics, though his literary style
+was singularly polished.
+
+It was felt that any further speeches after this momentous
+announcement would inevitably partake of the nature of an anti-climax.
+
+The Chairman happily interpreted the feeling of the meeting by hurling
+a copy of _Liddell and Scott_ on the floor of the platform and dancing
+upon it, and the great assembly soon afterwards dispersed in a mood of
+solemn exultation to the strains of a Jazz band. As Mr. WELLS observed
+in a fine phrase, "We have to-day extinguished the lights in the
+Classical firmament."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Demobilised One (to massive lady about to make her
+exit),_ "EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND TREADING--ACCIDENTAL-LIKE--ON THAT
+MAN'S TOES? HE USED TO BE MY SERGEANT-MAJOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TENDER-HEARTED BAILIE.
+
+    "Accused broke down in the dock, and while weeping bitterly the
+    Bailie fined both girls L1 or ten days."--_Edinburgh Evening
+    News_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lord Burray of Elibank and the Hon. Gideon Murray, M.P., have
+    recently had influenza and bronchitis."--_Scotch Paper_.
+
+From internal evidence we gather that his lordship has not yet
+completely recovered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SO SOON FORGOT.
+
+    [A cinema has been showing a picture of M. PADEREWSKI, bearing
+    the legend, "The new President of Poland: once a world-famed
+    violinist."]
+
+  The President of POLAND
+    Was born to place and power;
+  Yet, ere he found his mission
+  In filling this position,
+  He was a great musician--
+    Men say so to this hour.
+  But, dash it! while the whole land
+    Admits his old repute,
+  It wonders, "Did this fellow,
+  At whom Queen's Hall would bellow,
+  Perform upon the 'cello,
+    Or did he play the flute?"
+
+  The day AUGUSTUS JOHN is
+    Created Duke of Wales,
+  His countrymen will never
+  Stop boasting of how clever
+  He is at Art, whatever
+    (Though Burlington still rails).
+  But one small detail gone is
+    From their forgetful nuts;
+  Their recollection's shady--
+  Did JOHN'S artistic heyday
+  Mean costumes for _The Lady_
+    Or things for _Comic Cuts?_
+
+  When HALL CAINE rules a nation
+    As Superman of Man,
+  His subjects will assure us
+  In daily dance and chorus:
+  "Ere HALL presided o'er us,
+    Men read him as they ran.
+  For once his circulation
+    Spread over Seven Seas."
+  Yet memory by chance errs
+  In these ecstatic dancers--
+  Oh, did he edit _Answers_,
+    Or write "Callisthenes"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES.
+
+    "But the most pressing of all the questions with which the Peace
+    Congress has to deal is the settlement of terms of peace with
+    Germany."--_Nottingham Guardian_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LIFE'S LITTLE MARVELS.
+
+    "A family of eight was stated to be living on L3 a week in the
+    Bow County Court, and counsel said it was a marvel how they did
+    it."--_Bradford Daily Argus_.
+
+It is supposed that they take it in turns to sleep on the Bench.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Republic is derported to have been declared at Zagazig. In
+    Cairo stdikes have added to the difficulties of the public, the
+    latest being one by the cabddivers. Crowds ottempted to storm
+    the Government printing works, but were dispersed by the
+    military."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+Not, however, until they had worked some havoc among the type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+I was motoring homewards across the old line. A ghost-peopled dusk was
+crawling over the devastation and desolation that is Vimy, and in the
+distance the bare bones of St. Eloy loomed like a spectre skeleton
+against the frosty after-glow. We hummed past Thelus cross-roads,
+dipped downhill and, _hey presto_! all of a sudden I was in China.
+(No, not Neuville-St.-Vaast; China, China, place where they eat
+birds'-nests and puppy-dogs' tails.) There were coolies from some
+salvage company all over the place, perched on heaps of broken
+masonry, squatting along the ditch side, banked ten-deep in the
+road--tall villainous-looking devils, very intently watching
+something. I pulled up, partly to avoid killing them and partly to see
+what it was all about.
+
+It was an open-air theatre. They had built it on the ruins of an
+_estaminet_, roofed it over with odds and ends of tin and tarpaulin,
+and the play was on. There was the orchestra against the back-cloth,
+rendering selections from popular Pekin revues on the drum, cymbal and
+one-stringed fiddle. There were the actors apparelled in the gorgeous
+costumes of old Cathay strutting mechanically through their parts, the
+female impersonators squeaking in shrill falsetto and putting in a lot
+of subtle fan-work. And there was the ubiquitous property-man drifting
+in and out among the performers, setting his fantastic house in order.
+We were actually within a mile of the Vimy Ridge, but we might have
+been away on the sunny side of Suez, deep within the mysterious heart
+of Canton City.
+
+"Good as a three-ring circus, ain't it?" said an English voice at my
+side; "most of their plays run on for nine months or so, but this
+particular show only lasts six weeks, the merest curtain-raiser."
+
+I turned towards the speaker and looked full upon the beak nose, cleft
+cheek and bristling red moustache of an old friend. "Good Lord, The
+Beachcomber!" I breathed. He started, peered at me and growled,
+"Captain Dawnay-Devenish, if it's all the same to you, Mister blooming
+Lieutenant."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ In the year 1907 John Fanshawe Dawnay-Devenish arrived in a certain
+Far Eastern port, deck passenger aboard a Dutch tramp out of Batavia.
+The Volendam mate accompanied him to the gang-plank, shaking a size
+eleven fist: "Now yous, get, see?... an' iv yous gome bag...!" He
+ground his horse-teeth and made unpleasant noises in his throat.
+
+"Shouldn't dream of risking it, old dear," replied John Fanshawe
+pleasantly, "not on your venerable coffee-grinder anyhow--not until
+she gets a navigator." He kissed his nicotined fingers to the
+exploding Hollander and strolled off down the wharf, whistling "_Nun
+trink ich Schnapps_."
+
+Arrived in the European quarter he smoothed what creases he could out
+of his sole suit of drills, whitened his soggy topee and frayed canvas
+shoes with a piece of chalk purloined from a billiard saloon, bluffed
+a drink out of an inebriated ship's engineer and snatched a free lunch
+on the strength of it. Thus fortified he visited the British Consul,
+and by means of somewhat soiled letters proved that he really was a
+Dawnay-Devenish of the Dorset Dawnay-Devenishes (who should be in no
+way confused with the Devenish-Dawnays of Chipping-Banbury or the
+Devenishe d'Awnay-Dawnays of Upper Tooting; the Dorset branch alone
+possessing the privilege, granted by letters patent of ETHELRED the
+Unready, of drinking the King's bathwater every Maunday Tuesday of
+Leap Year).
+
+Awed by the name--was there not a Dawnay-Devenish occupying a plump
+armchair in the Colonial Office at the time?--the Consul parted
+with five hundred dollars (Mex.). Next time the yield was not so
+satisfactory, not by two hundred and fifty dollars. At the end of
+a month, the Consul having proved a broken reed only good for
+five-dollar touches at considerable intervals, it behoved our hero to
+seek some fresh source of income. He cast up-river in search of it and
+disappeared from civilised ken for seven merciful years.
+
+In June, 1914, he beat back into port in a fancifully decorated junk,
+minus one ear and two fingers, but plus a cargo of jingling genuine
+money. He hired the bridal suite in the leading hotel, got hold of a
+fleet of motor cars and a host of boon companions, lived on a diet
+of champagne cocktails and splashed himself about with the carefree
+abandon of a dancing dervish.
+
+By the middle of July he was "on the beach" again and once more began
+to haunt the Consular office babbling of his influential relations and
+his "temporary embarrassment."
+
+When war broke out he had thrown up the sponge altogether and "gone
+yellow"; was living from hand to mouth among the Chinese. At the
+end of August a ship touched at that Far Eastern port, picking up
+volunteers for the Western Front. The port contributed a goodly
+number, but there remained one berth vacant. The long-suffering Consul
+had a stroke of inspiration. Here was a means of at once swelling
+the man-power of his country and ridding himself of a pestilent
+ne'er-do-well. His boys, searching far and wide, discovered John
+Fanshawe in the back premises of a Malay go-down, oblivious to all
+things, and bore him inanimate aboard ship.
+
+In this manner did our hero answer The Call.
+
+In due course he appeared in our reserve squadron and was detailed
+to my troop. It did not take me many days to realise that I was up
+against the most practised malingerer in the British (or any
+other) army. Did a fatigue prove too irksome; did the jumps in the
+riding-school loom too large; did the serjeant speak a harsh word unto
+him, "The Beachcomber" promptly went sick. Malaria was his long suit.
+By aid of black arts learned during those seven years sojourning with
+the heathen Chinee he could switch malaria (or a plausible imitation
+of it) on or off at will and fool the M.O.'s every time. I used to
+interview them about it, but got scant sympathy. The Healers' Union
+brooks no interference from outsiders.
+
+"Look here, that brute's bluffing you," I would protest.
+
+To which they would make reply, "Can you give us any scientific
+explanation of how a man can fake his pulse and increase his
+temperature to 102 deg. by taking thought? You can't? No, we didn't
+suppose you could. Good day."
+
+One person, however, I did succeed in convincing, and that was the
+C.O., who knew his East. "Very good," said he. "If the skunk won't
+be trained he shall go untrained. He sails for France with the next
+draft."
+
+Nevertheless our friend did not sail with the next draft. Ten minutes
+after being warned for it, the old complaint caught him again, and
+when the band played our lads out of barracks he was snugly tucked
+away in sick-bay with sweet girl V.A.D.'s coaxing him to nibble a
+little calves-foot jelly and keep his strength up. Nor did he figure
+among either of the two subsequent drafts; his malaria wouldn't hear
+of it.
+
+I went back to the land of fireworks at the head of one of these
+drafts myself, freely admitting that John Fanshawe had the best of
+the joke. He waved me farewell out of the hospital window by way of
+emphasising this.
+
+The Babe followed me out shortly after, bringing about fifty men with
+him. He strolled into Mess one evening and mentioned quite casually
+that The Beachcomber was in camp.
+
+"How did you manage it?" we chorused in wonder.
+
+"Heard the story of his leaving China and repeated the dose," the Babe
+replied. "Just before the draft was warned, my batman led him down
+to Mooney's shebeen and treated him to the run of his throat--at my
+expense. He came all the way as baggage."
+
+Thus did John Fanshawe complete the second stage of his journey to the
+War. He did not remain with us long, however; a fortnight at the most.
+
+We were doing some digging at the time, night-work, up forward, in
+clay so glutinous it would not leave the shovels and had mainly to be
+clawed out by hand--filthy, back-breaking, heart-rending labour. On
+calling the roll one dawn I found that The Beachcomber was missing.
+
+"Anybody seen anything of him?" I asked.
+
+"Yessir, I did," a man replied, and spat disgustedly.
+
+"Well," I inquired, "was he hit or anything?"
+
+The man grunted, "No, Sir; I don't think 'e was 'it; I think 'e was
+fed up. 'Call this war, do they?' says 'e to me. 'I call it blawsted
+WORK!' I told 'im to get on wiv it an' do 'is whack.
+
+"'E chucks a couple of spoonfuls of muck and then sits down. 'I can
+feel me damned ol' malaria creepin' over me again, Jim,' says 'e.
+'Noticed a Red Cross outfit in the valley; think I'll be totterin'
+along there,' says 'e. 'So long.' And that was the last the regiment
+saw of its Beachcomber."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Have it as you like, Captain Dawnay-Devenish," I said, "but before I
+go tell me, how did you wangle this job?"
+
+"Any affair of yours?" he sneered.
+
+"No," I admitted; "still I'm interested."
+
+He laughed unpleasantly. "Yes, you would be. Always infernally keen on
+minding my business for me, weren't you? Well, if you must know, I was
+convalescing when these same Chows started a pogrom in the next camp.
+I stopped it, and the powers--who were scared stiff--tacked a stripe
+on me and told me to carry on."
+
+"That accounts for the stripe," said I; "but what of the stars?"
+
+"Oh, them! We were behind the line down south last year laying a toy
+railway when the Hun broke clean through in a fog. Remember? I pulled
+the Chinks together and we stopped 'em. That's all."
+
+"Good Lord, that wasn't you, was it?" I cried. "Set about 'em with
+picks and shovels, shrieking Chinese war-cries and chopped 'em to
+bits. Oh, splendid! But how on earth did you rouse these tame coolies
+to it?"
+
+The Beachcomber tugged his red moustache and laughed deprecatingly.
+"It wasn't very difficult really. You see, these birds of mine are
+only temporary coolies. In civilian life they're mostly river pirates,
+Tong-fighters and suchlike professional cut-throats. Killing comes
+natural to 'em. They only wanted somebody who could organize and lead
+'em."
+
+"And you could?"
+
+The Beachcomber drew himself up proudly.
+
+"I should hope so. Wasn't I their Pirate King for seven long years?"
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE.
+
+_City Magnate_. "YOU'VE CUT ME OFF! HELL!!"
+
+_Sweet Voice from the other end_. "THAT WILL BE A TRUNK CALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SELF-DETERMINATION IN DEVON.
+
+    "At a public meeting at Barnstaple, the Vicar presiding, it
+    was decided to form a local branch of the League of
+    Nations."--_Western Morning News_.
+
+Won't WILSON be bucked?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Girl (in foreground)._ "MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE
+BRIDEGROOM _MUST_ COME TO HIS WEDDING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST WATCH OF THE NIGHT.
+
+  The hand of dawn is on the door
+    That seals the dolorous arch of night;
+  Dim gardens and hushed groves once more
+    Dream of the half-forgotten light;
+  Yet all the ancient fires are cold
+    On altars battered and forlorn,
+  And men grope still for gauds of gold,
+    Oblivious of the imminent morn.
+
+  When comes the dawn? Its unseen dew
+    Distils on folded swath and mound,
+  Where grass is deep or sods are new,
+    And branches shake without a sound;
+  Where, numberless and low and grey,
+    The furrows lessen to the sky;
+  There sleep the sons of England, they
+    Who died that England should not die.
+
+  Better--ah, better for us all,
+    For them who sleep and us who wake,
+  That never bird at dawn should call
+    Nor golden foam of morning break;
+  That on one high cairn of the dead
+    The ultimate light should be unsealed,
+  Than that the world should live unled,
+    Unchanged, unpurified, unhealed.
+
+  Life and all things that make it fair
+    Men gave that better lives might be;
+  They went exulting and aware
+    Forth to the great discovery;
+  But who will prize life over-much
+    Or deem that death comes over-soon
+  If hands of fools and barterers touch
+    The architrave of Hope half-hewn!
+
+  Under a brave new baldachin,
+    New robes drooped o'er their crimson feet,
+  The old unaltered twain begin
+    Their ride along the embannered street;
+  With golden charms for men to kiss
+    A-swing from wrist and bridle-rein,
+  The brethren Pride and Avarice,
+    The monarchs of the world again.
+
+  If this thing be and no new world
+    Rise from the old dead world beneath,
+  Then morning's chaplet seven-pearled
+    Is made the bauble-crest of death;
+  All dreams belied, all vows made void,
+    Pale Hope a wingless fugitive,
+  And man a stumbling anthropoid--
+    Can these things be if England live?
+
+  If England live, the anarch tide
+    Shall lose itself among her waves,
+  And the grey earth be glorified
+    By the young blossom on her graves;
+  And by her grace no power shall part;
+    Fulfilment from the dreams that were,
+  If still the music of her heart
+    Be theirs who lived and died for her.
+
+  D.M.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DOVE AT SEA.
+
+BIRD OF PEACE. "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS THE ARK?"
+
+MAN OF WAR. "DUNNO NOTHIN' ABOUT NO ARK; BUT WE'RE FOR ARK-ANGEL, IF
+THAT'S ANY USE TO YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: _Sultan Addison (his mind on the house famine)._ "TELL
+ME THE STORY OF THE PALACE BUILT IN A SINGLE NIGHT."]
+
+_Monday, April 7th_.--The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS is determined
+that there shall be no slack time in the furniture-removing industry.
+To that end he is arranging that the business-premises in Kingsway
+now being vacated by the Government shall be filled by the Commission
+Internationale de Ravitaillement, that the Commission's old premises
+shall then be occupied by the Air Ministry, and that the Hotel Cecil
+shall then be restored to its original owners--unless, of course, it
+should be wanted by the Department lately housed in Kingsway. "Musical
+chairs," muttered Colonel WEDGWOOD.
+
+That was not the hon. and gallant Member's only contribution to the
+gaiety of the proceedings. He essayed to move the adjournment in order
+to discuss the situation of our troops in Russia, but was reminded
+that there was already a motion on the Order Paper dealing with that
+subject and standing in his own name. An attempt to perform the
+difficult manoeuvre of getting out of his own light was frustrated by
+the SPEAKER, who, to the argument that the motion on the Paper
+dealt with a wider subject, replied "_Majus in se minus continet_."
+Overwhelmed by this display of erudition, the victim murmured "_Der
+Tag!_" and collapsed.
+
+In moving the Second Reading of the Housing Bill Dr. ADDISON thought
+it necessary to disclaim any intention of posing as "an Oriental
+potentate," modestly adding, "I do not look the part." He has,
+however, one characteristic of the Eastern ruler, namely, a delight in
+long stories. It took him two hours to tell the House in melancholy
+monotone all about the defects of our present system and his proposals
+for removing them. Unfortunately he has not the Oriental gift of
+transforming slums into palaces in a single night, but hopes to
+produce a similar effect by treating the local authorities with a
+judicious mixture of subsidies and ginger.
+
+_Tuesday, April 8th_.--Congratulations to Lord ASKWITH on taking his
+seat in the House of Lords and condolences (in advance) to those
+foreign journals which will inevitably announce that the ex-PRIME
+MINISTER has overcome his objections to taking a peerage.
+
+Lord BUCKMASTER'S futile attempt to resist the passage of the Military
+Service Bill was chiefly remarkable for his epigrammatic description
+of the present SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR--"a man of great capacity, a
+man of most restless and versatile energy and unconquerable will,
+and of the most vivid and most illimitable and elusive vision of
+any politician of recent time." Several public schoolmasters, I
+understand, have already noted its possibilities as a suitable extract
+for translation into Tacitean Latin.
+
+Lord CURZON hastened to assure Lord BUCKMASTER that, though deprived
+of his co-operation, the present Cabinet thought itself equal
+to coping with Mr. CHURCHILL. As for the Bill, there were still
+storm-clouds over Europe that might break at any moment; and every
+threatened nationality was uttering the same cry, "Send us British
+troops." Although we could not respond to all these appeals, we must
+have the power to give aid when the circumstances required it.
+
+Some of our warriors are already experiencing the horrors of peace.
+Mr. CHURCHILL has promised searching inquiry into the case of the
+officer who sent a hundred-word telegram--at Government expense--about
+a dog; and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, on his attention being called to the
+forty-three motorcars still in use by the War Office, gave an answer
+which implied an impending slump in joy-rides.
+
+Sir MARTIN CONWAY'S anxiety that an "archaeologically-qualified
+official" should be entrusted with the duty of protecting the ancient
+monuments of Mesopotamia was relieved by Mr. FISHER. Such an official
+had already been sent out--not from the War Office, where all the
+"archaeologically qualified" are presumably too busy--but from the
+British Museum. Part of his work had been kindly done for him by the
+German scientists, who had collected ninety cases of specimens, now in
+our hands. The removal of bricks or other antiquities had long been
+forbidden--rather a blow to Dr. ADDISON, who in the present shortage
+of building material is very envious of the new Bavarian Government
+with a bricklayer at its head.
+
+_Wednesday, April 9th_.--In the Commons Dr. MACNAMARA announced that
+the Admiralty did not propose to perpetuate the title "Grand Fleet"
+for the principal squadron of His Majesty's Navy. The Grand Fleet is
+now a part of the history that it did so much to make.
+
+On the Third Reading of the Ministry of Health Bill Mr. J.H. THOMAS
+made a rather ungracious allusion to the Local Government Board. _De
+moribundis nil nisi bonum_ should have been his motto, especially as
+the old Department has done splendid work (and never better than in
+recent times under Sir HORACE MONRO) for the health and comfort of His
+Majesty's lieges.
+
+If words were as effective as bullets the Bolshevist Government in
+Russia would have but a brief existence. The rumour that LENIN had
+made overtures to the Allies moved Mr. CLEM EDWARDS to a display of
+virtuous vituperation that Mr. BOTTOMLEY found difficult to equal,
+though he did his best. Even Colonel WEDGWOOD, though he evidently
+thinks we ought to make peace with LENIN, indignantly repudiated the
+suggestion that he himself is a Bolshevist. Towards the close of the
+evening the HOME SECRETARY declared that no proposals from LENIN had
+reached our delegates in Paris--a statement which, if made a few hours
+earlier, would have rendered the debate superfluous. In his opinion
+the proposals, whatever they may be, had been "made in Germany" and
+should be excluded as goods of enemy origin. His statement that he was
+deporting Bolshevists every day was satisfactory so far as it went,
+but left the House wondering how they had been permitted to get here.
+
+_Thursday, April 10th_.--The House does not feel quite the same
+without its BONAR, who has once more flown off to Paris. Question
+after Question was "postponed" for his return. We were informed,
+however, that the delay in releasing Charles the First from internment
+was due to the necessity of repairing sundry damages to his fabric,
+due, I understand, not to Zeppelins or Gothas, but to the corroding
+tooth of Time.
+
+Several Questions regarding an explosive magazine at Dinas Mawddwy
+have lately been addressed to the Ministry of Munitions. Hitherto
+they have received rather cryptic replies, no one in the Department
+apparently being prepared to pronounce the name. But this afternoon
+Mr. HOPE, after a few preliminary sentences to get his voice into
+condition, boldly blurted out, "Dinnus Mouthwy," and received the
+tribute which the House always pays to true courage.
+
+[Illustration: MODIFIED MOTOR FACILITIES.
+
+STAFF-OFFICERS PASSING THROUGH WHITEHALL ON THEIR WAY TO LUNCHEON.]
+
+The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, hitherto a dual personality, is now
+three single gentlemen rolled into one. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT has
+accepted the leadership of a new Liberal Party, and with Colonel
+GODFREY COLLINS and Mr. ALBION RICHARDSON as his attendant Whips, duly
+took his seat upon the Front Bench. Someone challenged the intrusion
+of non-Privy Councillors into that sacred precinct. But the SPEAKER
+dismissed the objection with the remark, "There is more room upon
+that bench than on any other, you know." It is expected that, in
+contradistinction to the "Wee Frees," the new Party will be known as
+the "Auld Lichts."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is impossible to plough on account of the large number of
+    unexploded shells and bombs buried in the soil. These are now
+    being employed by the Engineers."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+We trust they will manage to avoid the traditional fate of the
+engineer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNEMPLOYMENT NOTES.
+
+Government unemployees at present engaged in drawing their weekly
+donation are requested to call at the Labour Exchange every day at 10
+A.M. Morning dress.
+
+It is not permissible for applicants to send their wives, valets or
+chauffeurs to represent them.
+
+Smoking is not prohibited, but applicants are requested not to offer
+tobacco, cigarettes or cigars to the officials.
+
+Arrangements are to be made to provide entertainment by means of
+concert parties and motor-trips; also newspapers and periodicals, in
+which, to avoid annoyance, the "Situations Vacant" column has been
+blacked out.
+
+It is desirable that applicants should not wear fur coats. The present
+fashion does not go beyond a grey tweed lounge suit, with white spats
+and velours hat.
+
+A limited number of openings are offered to any who care to act as
+batmen to unemployed munition-workers.
+
+A doctor is in future to be kept at every Labour Exchange to render
+first-aid to those who should be offered a situation.
+
+Applicants are requested not to tease the officials.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JARGON.
+
+From a speech at a Medical conference:--
+
+    "He was ashamed of the term 'shell-shock.' It was a bad word, and
+    should be wiped out of the vocabulary of every scientific man.
+    It was really molecular abnormality of the nervous system,
+    characterised by abnormal reactions to ordinary stimuli."--_Daily
+    Paper_.
+
+We must try to remember this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MODEST ESTIMATE.
+
+From a publisher's advertisement:--
+
+    "Baroness Orczy has laid the world under a fresh debt of
+    gratitude. 7/- net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The question one could naturally put is, 'Has the
+    millennium arrived, when the lion and the lamb shall lay
+    together?'"--_Monthly Paper_.
+
+Let's hope, at all events, that the produce won't be a cockatrice's
+egg.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This is the anniversary of the death of Robert Southey in 1843.
+    Perhaps his most celebrated poem is the delightful 'Ode to a
+    Skylark,' the beginning of which 'Hail to thee, blithe spirit,' is
+    known to every school child."--_New York Evening Journal_.
+
+It seems that Truth still stands in need of propaganda in America.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Amateur Photographer (on a conducted tour in
+France)._"CHARMING SPOT; BUT RATHER DISAPPOINTING. I _QUITE_ HOPED IT
+WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL SMASHED UP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FINANCIAL INTELLIGENCE.
+
+The decision of _The Westminster Gazette_ to return to its old figure
+of a penny must not be taken as a sign that prices generally are
+coming down. On the contrary there is every indication that they are
+rising and will still rise, as the following symptomatic scraps of
+news, gathered from all parts of the country, go to prove:--
+
+The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" will,
+until further notice, be eight-pence each.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question about
+a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put under
+restraint as a dangerous lunatic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If the information that reaches us from a little bird is correct, a
+boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their inveterate habit of
+saying, "Cheep! Cheep!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern
+susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr.
+HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, _The Three Black Pennys_ to _The
+Three Black Half-crowns._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date onwards be
+two guineas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with spills
+made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, ten-shilling
+ones.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious movement
+afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for the National
+Anthem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that lawyers'
+fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has now been
+decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, less value
+shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will in future give
+only half his attention, by listening with only one ear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "EGGS FOR SALE.
+
+    "Why go out of ---- to be swindled? Come to the ---- Poultry Farm."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "IN MY GARDEN.
+
+    "April 4.--Now is a suitable time to saw sweet peas."--_Daily
+    Mirror._
+
+When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+L'ALLEGRO.
+
+  Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee
+  Food and old festivity,
+  Bread and sugar white as snow,
+  The bacon that we used to know,
+  Apples cheap, and eggs and meat,
+  Dainty cakes with icing sweet,
+  And in thy right hand lead with thee
+  The mountain nymph (not much U.P.).
+  Come, and sip it as you go,
+  And let my not-too-gouty toe
+  Join the dance with them and thee
+  In sweet unrationed revelry;
+  While the grocer, free of care,
+  Bustles blithe and debonair,
+  And the milkman lilts his lay,
+  And the butcher beams all day,
+  And every warrior tells his tale
+  Over the spicy nut-brown ale.
+  Peace, if thou canst really bring
+  These delights, _do_ haste, old thing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WINTER SPORTS IN FRANCE.--Sledges were constructed out of
+    empty ration-boxes, whilst the old flappers used for dispersing
+    poison-gas from dug-outs did duty as snow-shoes."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+The young flappers were no doubt better engaged.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PINK GEORGETTE.
+
+Joyce, at breakfast that morning, had announced firmly that if I
+really loved her I would take the pattern up to town with me and "see
+what I could do." What she failed to realise was that, if I ventured
+alone into the midst of so intimately feminine a world as Bibby and
+Renns' for the purpose of matching stuff called Pink Georgette, I
+should become practically incapable of doing anything at all.
+
+The only redeeming feature about the whole nerve-racking business was
+that he found me as soon as he did.
+
+"Good afternoon, Sir," he said in a most ingratiating voice. "What can
+we have the pleasure of showing you, Sir?"
+
+He was tall and handsome, with a perfectly waxed moustache and a
+faultless frock-coat. He bowed before me with a sort of solicitous
+curve to his broad shoulders, and the way he massaged one hand with
+the other had a highly soothing effect.
+
+"Pink georgette, Sir? Certainly, Sir." To my inexpressible relief he
+seemed to consider it the most likely request in the world.
+
+A moment before I had been drifting hopelessly, in a state of most
+acute self-consciousness. But with him to guide me I set off quite
+boldly.
+
+At what proved to be exactly the right spot he paused.
+
+"Miss Robinson," he called; "pink georgette."
+
+With a polite introductory wave of the hand he motioned me towards
+the lady. He hovered about, near by, whilst I opened the bit of
+tissue-paper containing the pattern and murmured my needs to Miss
+Robinson. His very presence gave me confidence.
+
+When it was all over he came up and led me away. As we emerged into
+the stronger light near the door I peered at him closely. Then I
+touched him on the arm and beckoned him behind a couple of Paris
+models.
+
+I took hold of his hand and wrung it fervently.
+
+"Sergeant Steel," I said, "you always _did_ have the knack of being in
+exactly the right spot at the right moment. I haven't set eyes on you
+since that very hot day in '16, when you brought up the remnants of 14
+platoon and pulled me out of that tight corner at Guillemont. That
+was a valuable bit of work, Sergeant, but nothing to this--simply
+nothing!"
+
+The solicitous curve had straightened out from his broad shoulders.
+His hands had ceased their soothing massage. His heels were together,
+his arms glued to his sides, his eyes glaring at a fixed point
+directly over the top of my head.
+
+"Thought it was you, Sir, as soon as I saw you. But of course I wasn't
+going to say anything till you did." It was not the ingratiating
+voice now, but that rasping half-whisper he always used for nocturnal
+conferences in the front line. "Never heard anything of you, Sir,
+since you went down with a Blighty after Guillemont. Beg your pardon,
+Sir, but you looked a bit windy as you came in just now, so I thought
+I'd keep in support.... Yes, Sir, got my ticket last month--only been
+back on my old job a fortnight."
+
+I tapped the parcel that Miss Robinson's own fair hands had made up
+for me.
+
+"This a good issue, Sergeant?" I said. "Sound and reliable and all
+that?"
+
+"Couldn't be better, Sir. I had my eye on her. We only drew it
+ourselves lately. That's the stuff to give 'em. You can safely carry
+on with that, Sir ... a perfect match ... exquisite blending of colour
+... those art shades are to be very fashionable this season, I assure
+you, Sir."
+
+Imperceptibly his hands had resumed their massage, the solicitous
+curve had returned to his broad shoulders, his voice was ingratiating
+again.
+
+"We have a large range of all the daintiest materials. I believe our
+charmeuse, ninons and crepe-de-Chines to be unrivalled in town, Sir.
+A little damp under foot to-day, Sir, but warmer, I think--distinctly
+warmer. Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir, _Good_ day, Sir."
+
+And Sergeant Steel (D.C.M. and four chevrons) bowed me into the
+street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I DON'T THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT ONE. IT MAKES ME LOOK
+LIKE ONE OF THESE 'ERE SPANISH DANCERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY GOSSIP.
+
+MR. WELLS has a new volume of collected Prefaces coming out this week,
+with an Introduction and an Epilogue by Sir HARRY JOHNSTON. It will be
+remembered that in _Joan and Peter_, a comparatively early work of
+Mr. WELLS--it was published, if our memory serves us, before the
+Armistice--handsome acknowledgment was made of Sir HARRY JOHNSTON'S
+administrative ability and high aims; and it is pleasant to know that
+in the long interval that has elapsed nothing has occurred to modify
+their mutual admiration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The firm of Black and Green will shortly publish Lord DYSART'S
+monumental monograph on _China Tea: the Universal Antidote._ Lord
+DYSART establishes the remarkable fact that the word "dyspepsia" was
+practically unknown until the introduction of Indian and Ceylon tea.
+Mr. WELLS, who contributes an illuminating Preface, points out that
+the troubles of Russia are entirely due to the cutting off of the
+supplies of caravan tea from China (the leading Bolshevists prefer
+vodka to tea in any form) and the consequent recourse to inferior
+synthetic substitutes. The rival merits of cream, milk and lemon are
+carefully discussed both from the gustatory and hygienic standpoint,
+Mr. WELLS pronouncing in favour of lemon, in which idiosyncrasy
+he resembles Mr. CONRAD and Mr. GALSWORTHY. The volume is richly
+illustrated with pictures of rare tea-pots, tea-caddies and samovars,
+and contains a set of humorous verses dedicated to the author by Mr.
+T. LEIF JONES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Right Hon. REGINALD MCKENNA'S new book, _The Proud Podsnaps_,
+will be his first novel, and we hear it is to be humorous. His
+distinguished relative, Mr. STEPHEN MCKENNA, Mr. WELLS and Mr. HERBERT
+JENKINS have all written encouraging Prefaces to it; and Master
+ANTHONY ASQUITH has added two essays on commercial aviation and a
+couple of brilliant caricatures of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and Mr. WINSTON
+CHURCHILL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE'S _Life of the Kaiser_ is already far advanced, but
+he has laid it on one side in order to collaborate with Sir ARTHUR
+CONAN DOYLE in the authoritative biography of Sir OLIVER LODGE. It
+is understood that of the chapters dealing with the physiognomy
+and phrenological aspect of the subject Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE will be
+exclusively responsible for those on the frontal regions of Sir
+OLIVER'S cranium, while Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE will devote himself to
+the occipital Hinterland. In this way it is hoped that the whole
+area, which is enormous, will be adequately covered. The book will be
+published by Messrs. Odder and Odder at 10s. 6d.; but a limited
+number of copies, with special tambourine and planchette attachments,
+will be available at L2 2s.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To the list of biographies of the PRIME MINISTER already published or
+in contemplation there remains to be added one by an author who veils
+his identity under the pseudonym of "Mount Carmel." It will bear the
+title, _Lloyd George_--_Saint or Dragon_? and will be prefaced by an
+introduction by Mr. Stickham Weed, in which that eminent publicist
+discusses the antagonism of the Celtic temperament to Jugo-Slav
+ideals. The book will be published at Fontainebleau.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The new Cardiff firm of Jenkins and Jones announce a novel from the
+pen of Mr. Caradoc Blodwen, who had to fly from his native village
+last year owing to the realistic picture he gave of local life in _The
+Home of the Squinting Widows_. It is to be called _Taffy was a Thief_;
+and those who have had the privilege of seeing early copies of the
+book, which Mr. Blodwen wrote during his seclusion amongst the Hairy
+Ainus, describe it as lurid in the extreme.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Cuthbert Skrimshanks's new novel is being looked forward to
+expectantly by those who admire the vital and distinguished artistry
+of his work. The author, it will be remembered, was employed in a firm
+of ginger-beer bottlers before he took to literature, and Mr. WELLS,
+who contributes a Preface, dwells happily on the stimulating and
+phosphorescent quality which his literary work owes to his employment,
+and contrasts it favourably with the flatness of Eton "Pop."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Yet another Shakspearean volume, which promises to be of engrossing
+interest, has been written by Lord BLEDISLOE. It is to be called
+_Bacon and Hamlet_, and Sir THOMAS LIPTON has contributed an
+Introduction, in which the organisation of the food supply in the
+Elizabethan age is exhaustively described. This exhaustive work, which
+is dedicated to General STORRS, the Governor of Jerusalem, will be
+published by Messrs. FORTNUM and MASON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nurse (reproachfully)._ "WHO DIDN'T FOLD UP HIS
+TROUSERS WHEN HE WENT TO BED?"
+
+_Tony_. "I KNOW. ADAM. I CAN ALWAYS GUESS THESE SUNDAY RIDDLES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"C'EST LA GUERRE."
+
+A brace of chemists' labels:--
+
+    This preparation is issued in amber glass pots, as a War Emergency
+    Measure, when white glass is not available owing to shortage."
+
+    "War Bottle. Amber glass is not obtainable just now, so we have to
+    use white glass. May we ask you to grant us your kind indulgence
+    under the circumstances?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A bullet fired at a pig from a humane killer, struck the wall
+    of a Merthyr Tydvil slaughterhouse, ricochetted and wounded a
+    butcher's manager."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+The victim regards the name of the instrument as most inept.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lord Salvesen, the presiding judge, arrived in Aberdeen on Monday
+    night, and gave a winner in the Palace Hotel."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+We hope to meet him in London before the Derby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POLLY.
+
+_(With acknowledgments to Mr. KIPLING.)_
+
+  I went into a private 'ouse to get a place as cook;
+  The lady ups an' greets me with a most angelic look:
+  "I've just been makin' tea," she sez, "I 'opes as you will try
+  These little scones wot I 'ave baked;" and to myself sez I:
+          "It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' 'Polly, scrub the
+                      floor,'
+          But it's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the
+                      bloomin' War;
+          We won the bloomin' War, my girls, we won the bloomin' War,
+          It's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the
+                      bloomin' War."
+
+  The lady she was out to please; we talked about the weather,
+  An' when the tea was done we smoked a cigarette together,
+  An' then we talked o' jazzin' an' the BILLIE CARLETON case,
+  An' so we come in course o' time to talkin' o' the place.
+
+  "You won't mind cookin' lunch?" sez she. Sez I, "Without a doubt,
+  On Toosdays an' on Fridays, which they ain't my 'alf-days out;
+  An' dinner, too, I'll manage"--'ere the lady give a grin--
+  "On Mondays an' on Thursdays, which they 'll be my evenings in."
+
+  "An' wot about the breakfast?" "Don't you worry, mum," sez I,
+  "I'm willin' to oblige you every single blessed dye,
+  Bar Sundays, when my young man comes; 'e's such a bloomin' toff,
+  'E takes me up the river, so I takes the 'ole day off."
+
+  "That's excellent," the lady sez, "I'll easy do the rest,
+  So if you come, Miss Perkins, you will be our honoured guest,
+  For Mr. Vere de Vere an' I do all we can an' more
+  To please the splendid women wot 'ave bin an' won the War."
+
+  Well, seein' as the lady seemed to 'ave the proper view,
+  I took the situation an' I 'opes as it will do.
+  Of course there may be drawbacks, but you can't get _all_ you wish,
+  For aprons ain't quite overalls an' cookin' ain't munish.
+          It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' "Ugh! the mutton's red;"
+          But it's "_Won't_ you come, Miss Perkins?" now we're paid to
+                      stay in bed;
+          An' it's Polly this, an' Polly that, an' anythink you please;
+          An' Polly ain't a bloomin' fool--you bet that Polly sees!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LES BEAUX ESPRITS SE RENCONTRENT."
+
+    "Persons expressing unpopular views (by which I mean views opposed
+    to such patriots as Horatio Bottomley, Colonel Lowther, and
+    our own hon. and gallant member of Parliament, et hog genus
+    omne)."--_Letter in "The Daily News_."
+
+    "There have been more pig posts than there have been big men able
+    to fill them.--Mr. Bonar Law."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article on the Zeebrugge exploit:--
+
+    "An on-shore wind was needed to carry the fog-screen in advance
+    of the blockships. Absence of fog was essential. A fog would be
+    beneficial. These desiderata postulated a concurrence of
+    favourable conditions, and on April 23 they were not all
+    present."--_Cologne Post_.
+
+We gather that the Censor, shortly to be demobilised at home, still
+maintains his watch on the Rhine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRITICISM IN EXCELSIS.
+
+There was a good deal of excitement in the Elysian Fields when the
+news went round that the Committee had exercised their power of
+electing a certain distinguished Shade to full membership of the
+Asphodel Club without a ballot. The general opinion seemed to be that
+the Committee had acted wisely, and that the election was in every way
+justified. A few members, however, expressed disapproval, not so
+much on account of any demerits of his own as of the effect that his
+election might produce on the sensitive minds of some who were already
+members.
+
+"This Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON," said one who had been busy in canvassing
+opinions, "is fully qualified for membership, but I fear he may have a
+deleterious effect on JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. Did he not roughly
+criticise them in his _Lives of the Poets_, and do you think that
+MILTON is one who will sit down tamely under the affront? MILTON has
+been for years and is still one of our most distinguished members.
+Indeed, he has almost the standing amongst us of a highly-respected
+Bishop. He uses the Club a great deal, and I fear his comfort will be
+much reduced by the admission of one who regards his poetry with a
+hostile eye."
+
+"In what way," said another, "has the denouncer of SALMASIUS become
+entitled to complain of rough attacks? Nor has his character been
+assailed. In that he remains episcopal. Only in his poetry is he made
+to suffer."
+
+"But he is made to suffer pretty heavily," said a third. "Hear what
+JOHNSON said with regard to our friend's _Lycidas_:--
+
+"'One of the poems on which much praise has been bestowed is
+_Lycidas_; of which the diction is harsh, the rhymes uncertain and the
+numbers unpleasing. What beauty there is we must therefore seek in the
+sentiments and images. It is not to be considered as the effusion of
+real passion; for passion runs not after remote allusions and obscure
+opinions. Passion plucks no berries from the myrtle and ivy, nor calls
+upon Arethuse and Mincius, nor tells of rough _satyrs_ and _fauns
+with cloven heel_. Where there is leisure for fiction there is little
+grief.
+
+"'In this poem there is no nature for there is no truth; there is no
+art for there is nothing new. Its form is that of a pastoral: easy,
+vulgar and therefore disgusting.'
+
+"Do you call that criticism?"
+
+"Ah, but listen," said another and much agitated Shade, "to what he
+says of our respected THOMAS GRAY. The Committee must have forgotten
+how it goes:--
+
+"These odes are marked by glittering accumulation of ungraceful
+ornaments; they strike rather than please; the images are magnified by
+affectation, the language is laboured into harshness. The mind of the
+writer seems to work with unnatural violence. _Double, double, toil
+and trouble_. He has a kind of strutting dignity and is tall by
+walking on tiptoe."
+
+The agitated Shade was about to proceed further with his protest when
+a sound of cheering stopped him. And lo and behold! an approving
+throng was circling round the new member, and in the thick of it were
+JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FOR THIS RELIEF," ETC.
+
+From a Girl Guides' report:--
+
+    "The thanks of the Association are due to the following ladies who
+    have resigned...."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir George Newman and Mr. Philip Snowden have resigned their
+    membership of the Central Control Board" (Liquor Traffic).
+
+    "Caruso has sung at 550 performances."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+All the same, there seems to have been a lack of harmony.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady (who has called on two successive Wednesdays, the
+fourth and fifth of the month, and has been told each time that Lady
+Smith-Robinson is not at home)._ "BUT I THOUGHT HER LADYSHIP WAS AT
+HOME ON ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS?"
+
+_Parlourmaid (with dignity)._ "NO, MADAM. HER LADYSHIP IS AT HOME ON
+THE FIRST AND THIRD WEDNESDAYS IN THE MONTH; BUT WHEN THERE IS A FIFTH
+WEDNESDAY THAT IS TO _OUR_ ADVANTAGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+_My War Experiences in Two Continents_ (MURRAY) is made up of the
+diary and letters of Miss MACNAUGHTAN, written during her search for
+work that might help in the great Task. The book, it is sad to say,
+must serve as her memorial to those many whom she has amused by her
+bright and wholesome stories. Worn out by labours and quests beyond
+her strength she fell sick at Teheran in 1916 and returned to England
+to die. In 1914 she had done fine service with her soup-kitchen in
+Flanders, where her energy and almost too tender sympathy had full
+scope and the reward of good work accomplished. She seemed also to be
+happy in her lecture tour on her return to England, trying to arouse
+the sluggish-minded to a sense of the gravity of the business. But
+in her Russian and Persian adventure it is clear that she was deeply
+disappointed at feeling herself unwanted and useless in a region
+of waste and muddle. It is probable that for all her courage and
+unselfish devotion she was too sensitive to the suffering she
+encountered ever to attain the routine indifference which makes work
+among such horrors possible. Her deep religious convictions aggravated
+rather than eased that suffering. She was honestly old-fashioned and
+never took quite kindly to the khaki-breeched free-spoken young women
+of the subsidiary war services, had a hatred of muddle and was a
+little severe on men, though acknowledging that "young men are the
+kindest members of the human race." True this, I should say, who am no
+longer young. "The war is fine, _fine_, FINE, though I don't get near
+the fineness except in the pages of _Punch_." Charming of her to say
+that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The heroine of _Miss Fingal_ (BLACKWOOD) is called by her publishers
+"a woman whose distinguishing trait is femininity," to which they add,
+with obvious truth, "a refreshing creation in these days." Really,
+in this one phrase Messrs. BLACKWOOD have covered the ground so
+comprehensively that I have little more to do than subscribe my
+signature. To fill in details, Mrs. W.K. CLIFFORD'S latest is a
+quietly sympathetic tale about a lonely gentlewoman (this you can take
+either as one or two words) rescued from a life of penury by the
+will of a rich uncle, transferred from her tiny flat in Battersea to
+Bedford Square and a country cottage, expanding in prosperity, and
+generally proving the old adage that where there's a will there's a
+way, indeed several ways, of spending the result agreeably. As I have
+said, it is all the gentlest little comedy of happiness, not specially
+exciting perhaps. I find it characteristic of Mrs. CLIFFORD'S method
+that the only at all violent incident, a railway smash, happens
+discreetly out of sight, and does no more than provide its victim
+with an enjoyable convalescence, and the attentive reader with the
+suggestion of a psychological problem that is both unnecessary and
+unconvincing. The best of the tale is its picture of _Miss Fingal_
+herself, rescued from premature decay and gradually recovering her
+youth under the stimulus of new interests and opportunities. Whether
+the now rather too familiar _Kaiser-ex-machina_ solution was needed in
+order to rid the stage of a superfluous character is open to question;
+but at all events it leaves _Miss Fingal_ happy in companionship and
+assured of the success that waits upon a satisfactory finish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"How can I"--I seem to hear the author of _Elizabeth and Her German
+Garden_ communing with herself--"how can I write a story, with all
+my necessary Teutonic ingredients in it, which shall be popular even
+during the War?" And then I seem to see the satisfaction with which
+she hit upon the solution of inventing pretty twin girls of seventeen,
+an age which permits remarks with a sting in them to be uttered
+apparently in innocence and yet is marriageable or, at any rate,
+engageable; making them orphans; giving them a German father and
+an English mother, and very mixed sympathies, in which England
+predominates; and sending them to America to pass its novelty under
+their candid European eyes. Much of the satisfaction which her scheme
+must have given to the authoress of _Christopher and Columbus_
+(MACMILLAN) is shared by its readers, although the feeling that it has
+been made to order to fit a difficult market is never absent. For much
+of the dialogue, and often when most amusing, does not ring true,
+and we are occasionally asked to believe that the twins could be far
+slower in the uptake than at other, and less inconvenient, times they
+show themselves to be. But the book is another sufficing proof that
+the male sex has no monopoly of humour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. CHRISTOPHER CULLEY, in his rather superfluous and petulant preface
+to _Billy McCoy_ (CASSELL), observes that such reviewers as "may find
+time to skip through its pages" will probably call it a Romance. Well,
+skipping or not, here is one reviewer who will not disappoint him.
+A story of a hero who adventures into sinister places, disregards
+repeated warnings to "go back ere it is too late" (or the American for
+that entrancing formula), meets there a Distressed Damsel and kisses
+her as introduction, and finally, after an infinity of perils, is
+left with the D.D. as his B.B., or blushing bride--this I state
+emphatically to be not only Romance, but a most excellent brand of
+that article. What however Mr. CULLEY seems most to fear is that we
+shall think that _McCoy_ himself and the whole setting (New Mexican
+scenes) are all make-believe. He need have had no such alarm in my
+case. I have, I remember, already commented on the admirable reality
+of his cowboys, as exemplified in the hero of a previous story.
+_Billy_, if just a little less convincing, is in many ways a worthy
+companion. But Mr. CULLEY'S heroines always strike me as inferior to
+his men. They have the air of hanging about in corners of the tale,
+and generally of being rather a nuisance than a delight to their
+creator. But the heroine of _Billy McCoy_ makes hardly a pretence
+of being other than a lay figure; without her it would be just as
+entertaining and exciting, if perhaps less completely furnished for
+Romance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+While reading _"Q" Boat Adventures_ (JENKINS) I kept on telling myself
+that it ought to be read in small doses if the greatest enjoyment
+was to be got from it; but all the same I could not let it out of my
+hands. "The 'Q' boat," says Lieutenant-Commander AUTEN, V.C., "was a
+'stunt' possible only to a nation of sailors. Officers might be found
+for 'Q' boats in any country with a seaboard; but men--no;" and I
+imagine that few Englishmen will be found to deny this statement.
+Elizabethan days for all their spaciousness contained nothing more
+incredibly brave than the exploits of these decoy boats, exploits
+which could only be carried out if absolutely every man taking part in
+them played his role to perfection. And it cannot be too widely noted
+that after the Huns had become suspicious the "Q" boat had to invite
+a torpedo as a preliminary to real business. Officers and men alike
+deserve all the gratitude their nation can give them, not only for
+their courage in action, but also for their patience when spending
+dreary months without getting to grips with the enemy. Few things are
+more demoralizing than to wait to be attacked and to find no one kind
+enough to accommodate you; but even during all these long periods
+of inaction the discipline and keenness of the "Q" boat crews never
+relaxed. Lieut.-Commander AUTEN has done a great service in telling us
+of these astounding achievements and of the infinite difficulties in
+the way of their successful accomplishment. We may be a nation of
+short memories, but it is impossible to believe that our "Q" boats
+will ever be forgotten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Anything more Pettridgian than _The Bustling Hours_ (METHUEN) cannot
+be conceived and cannot certainly be written. That means that Mr. PETT
+RIDGE'S latest book will be heartily welcomed and thoroughly enjoyed
+by the large circle of his readers. Mr. PETT RIDGE is as good as a
+tonic in these depressing days, and without any effort he keeps at a
+high level of sane cheerfulness. His heroine is a certain _Dorothy
+Gainsford_, who has the gift of turning up at exactly the right moment
+and of getting exactly the right thing done, or more often of doing it
+herself. She really is a marvel and the last word in efficiency. There
+is only one thing at which I hint a doubt or hesitate dislike. She
+takes a banjo with her to a picnic on the Upper Thames.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Professor (who has inadvertently pulled the
+shower-bath handle)._ "TYPICAL APRIL WEATHER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  There was a young man who said, "How,
+  With the minimum sweat of my brow,
+        Can I find jobs to do
+        For a maximum screw?"
+  So they said to him, "Why not try Slough?"
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+156, APRIL 16, 1919***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 11732.txt or 11732.zip *******
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