diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-0.txt | 1269 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/11726-h.htm | 1898 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/1.png | bin | 0 -> 127034 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/10.png | bin | 0 -> 61231 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/11.png | bin | 0 -> 297622 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/12-1.png | bin | 0 -> 15752 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/12-2.png | bin | 0 -> 27983 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/12-3.png | bin | 0 -> 24091 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/2.png | bin | 0 -> 61975 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/3.png | bin | 0 -> 67685 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/4.png | bin | 0 -> 66325 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/5-1.png | bin | 0 -> 29808 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/5-2.png | bin | 0 -> 11014 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/5-3.png | bin | 0 -> 26131 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/5-4.png | bin | 0 -> 9879 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/6.png | bin | 0 -> 158365 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/7.png | bin | 0 -> 191208 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11726-h/images/9.png | bin | 0 -> 185386 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-8.txt | 1697 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 33179 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1399303 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/11726-h.htm | 2298 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/1.png | bin | 0 -> 127034 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/10.png | bin | 0 -> 61231 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/11.png | bin | 0 -> 297622 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/12-1.png | bin | 0 -> 15752 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/12-2.png | bin | 0 -> 27983 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/12-3.png | bin | 0 -> 24091 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/2.png | bin | 0 -> 61975 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/3.png | bin | 0 -> 67685 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/4.png | bin | 0 -> 66325 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/5-1.png | bin | 0 -> 29808 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/5-2.png | bin | 0 -> 11014 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/5-3.png | bin | 0 -> 26131 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/5-4.png | bin | 0 -> 9879 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/6.png | bin | 0 -> 158365 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/7.png | bin | 0 -> 191208 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726-h/images/9.png | bin | 0 -> 185386 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726.txt | 1697 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11726.zip | bin | 0 -> 33154 bytes |
43 files changed, 8875 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11726-0.txt b/11726-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..328da4c --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1269 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11726 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11726-h.htm or 11726-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/2/11726/11726-h/11726-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/2/11726/11726-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 99 + +JULY 5, 1890 + + + + + + +[Illustration: VOL. 99] + + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +We understand that careful observers have noted a considerable amount +of disturbance in the House of Commons during the past three weeks. +Various reasons have, as usual, been advanced to account for this +phenomenon, one eminent politician having gone so far as to hint +darkly at the existence of Cave-men (or Troglodytes), who dwell in +barrows. + + * * * * * + +The weather has been subject to strange variations. The mean +temperature of the isothermal lines, when reduced to fractions of +an infinitesimal value, has been found to correspond exactly to the +elevation of the nap on the hat of a certain sporting Earl. Dividing +that by the number of buttons on a costermonger's waistcoat, and +adding to the quotient the number of aspirates picked up in the Old +Kent Road on a Saturday afternoon, the result has been computed as +equal to the total amount of minutes occupied by a vendor of saveloys +in advertising his wares in the Pall Mall Clubs. + + * * * * * + +Candour is at times inconvenient. A prominent member of a Metropolitan +Vestry was informed two days ago by one of the permanent scavengers +of the district, that he "wasn't worth the price of a second-hand +boot-lace." On inquiring the meaning of this curious phrase, he was +told that "his blooming head would be knocked off for two-pence." +We understand that the Vestryman's vote on a question of salary is +responsible for the indignation of the scavenger, a member of a class +usually noted for their somewhat ceremonious courtesy. + + * * * * * + +Those who propose to travel this year will doubtless be glad to +learn that the Hessian fly has been observed in unusual abundance in +Westphalia. This succulent _morceau_ is now eaten fried, with a sauce +of devilled lentils and oil. + + * * * * * + +It appears, after all, that there is no very definite foundation +for the report that Sir EDWARD WATKIN is said to be disappointed in +the competitive designs sent in for his Tower, because none of them +provide sleeping accommodation for 2000 people on the top storey. Of +course something must have given rise to the rumour, but it is not +easy to say exactly what. One competitor has already, however, it +appears, intimated his readiness to make the required addition, by +hanging his beds over the side of the Tower on "extended poles." The +question is, "Would Sir WATKIN be able to induce his patrons 'to turn +in' under such conditions?" There's the rub. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +STANLEY'S _Darkest Africa_ (SAMPSON LOW) swamps all other books just +now, except, of course, the Other STANLEY book, called _A Light on +the Keep-it-Quite-the-Darkest Africa_ (TRISCHLER & Co.) which follows +closely at its heels. The real STANLEY narrative is most interesting +and exciting; it is a book that will make everyone "sit up"--at night +to read it. The centre of attraction is in the answer to the question, +"How did I find EMIN?" Which is, "Quite well, thank you." + +My faithful "Co." reports that he has been doing his duty nobly as +a novel-reader. He has already devoured Vol. III. of the _Man with +a Secret_. He would attack Vols. I. and II. if he had not had (so he +says) quite enough of the Man _and_ his Secret. _Innocent Victims_ is +written in the temperance interest. "Co." has every sympathy with the +cause of undiluted water, but fears that this "story of London Life +and Labour" may end in drink. He found it himself a little dry, and +was not cheered by the name of the author, HUGH DOWNE, which seemed +to suggest he could not get up again. He is eagerly waiting for more +fiction, as "_Expiation_" by OCTAVE THANET has scarcely satisfied his +craving for the weird and the horrible. In the meanwhile, he has found +a cheerful interlude in _Sanity and Insanity_, a text-book (written in +a popular yet scientific strain) of the maladies of the mind. He says, +that Dr. MERCIER, the author, is to be congratulated on having treated +a rather "jumpy" subject in a manner that can offend no one. "Co." had +no idea up to now, that "t'other was so like unto which." + +All the Magazines for July are in, but the Baron has been unable to +open them, and "Co." has cut them. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES. + +(_AFTER CHARLES KINGSLEY--AT A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE._) + + Dress well, sweet Maid, and let who will be _clever._ + Dance, flirt, and sing! + Don't study all day long. + Or else you'll find, + When other girls get married, + You'll sing a different song! + + * * * * * + +SAD NEWS FROM ETON.--"Bever" is dead. Sorrowing boys followed +the bier. The Bever-age has ceased to exist. What next? Will the +characteristic Etonian top-hat follow the Bever? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS FIRST ACHE. + +"OH, MAMMY! I'VE GOT SUCH A PAIN IN FRONT OF ME!"] + + * * * * * + +BEFORE BISLEY. + + SCENE--_Office of the Commanding Commander-in-Chief. The + C.C.-in-Chief discovered. To him enter H.R.H. GEORGE RANGER._ + +_H.R.H.G.R._ You sent for me, _Mr. Punch_. I beg pardon, I should say, +your Excellency? + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_severely_). Be careful, Sir, and remember in +whose presence you are! I believe about a month ago you asked for +subscriptions in aid of the National Rifle Association? + +_H.R.H.G.R._. Yes, _Mr. P_.--I should say, your Excellency. + +_C.C.-in C._ And I presume the N.R.A. have been put to very great +expense in changing from Wimbledon to Bisley? + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Yes, I am sorry to say so,--personally sorry. Although +the bullets may have played the mischief with the adjoining property, +still I think-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_severely_). We are not discussing Wimbledon now, Sir. +Am I right in assuming that the reason funds were requested was to put +Bisley in a proper condition for the reception of the Volunteers? + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Of course. I am sure I am the best friend of the +Volunteers, and-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_interrupting_). How comes it then that when the +Volunteers (whose own ranges are being closed all round London) ask +for permission to shoot at Bisley, they are told that they may not +have it, because "the range is required for the regular troops." + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Well, as Commander-in-Chief, of course I must consider +the Army, and as-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ President of the N.R.A., you should consider the +Volunteers--but you don't! Now see here, if I hear any more of this +sort of thing, I tell you frankly that-- + +[_Scene closes in, as the threat is too terrible for publication_.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +QUALIFIED RECOMMENDATION. + +"_A. Nobleman wishes particularly to recommend his Coachman, who is +leaving his service, solely owing to domestic changes_;" i.e., Having +been detected falsifying his stable accounts, and threatened in +consequence with prosecution, he retaliates by a menace to disclose +certain unpleasant family secrets, picked up in the servants' hall, +to a Society journal. + +TRADE EMBELLISHMENTS. + +"_If applied but once gently with the palm of the hand, it will afford +the sufferer delightful and instantaneous relief_;" i.e., It at once +removes the skin, and if rubbed in with vigour will flay a horse. + +PLATFORMULARS. + +"_I feel that I have already trespassed upon your patience, and +detained you an unconscionable time_;" i.e., "Your attention seems +flagging. I want a moment or two for reflection, and a cue to go on +again." + + * * * * * + +THE RACK OF THE RATE-PAYER. + +(_BY A VICTIM OF "QUINQUENNIAL VALUATION."_) + + "Parochial Authorities have a way of their own in interpreting + Acts of Parliament, and a very peculiar way indeed of dealing + with the Valuation Act.... Overseers go their own way, and + interpret the Act according to their knowledge and experience; + and in many cases experience is lacking, and knowledge an + altogether unknown quantity.... When dealing with leasehold + property, overseers positively revel in the most delightful + caprice. The leaseholder's property is dealt with kindly or + the reverse, just as it is in this or that parish."--_James's + Gazette_. + + Tennyson talks of "gay quinquenniads." Yes, + But he would mention them with less elation + If he had my experience, I guess, + Of the _not_ gay Quinquennial Valuation! + I am not now so young as once I was, + I have arrived at the Golosh and Gamp Age, + I am not equal to contend--that's poz-- + With the Parochial Fathers on the rampage. + Ah me, these Vestry vultures on the pounce! + They scare me, skin me, bully me, and bilk me. + Soon of my flesh they'll scarce have left an ounce, + They so persistently maul, mulct, and milk me. + Once in five years they send me papers blue, + And papers white, and likewise papers yellow; + They "want to know, you know," indeed they do. + First the "First Clerk," a devil of a fellow! + Challenges me to up and tell him all + About gross value, also value rateable. + It's all pure fudge. I am their helpless thrall, + To an extent in civil speech unstateable. + They will not take _my_ word. If I appeal, + They hale me up before a stern Committee, + Fellows with brazen faces, hearts of steel, + And destitute of manners as of pity. + My solemn statement, or my mild demur, + To them a subject of fierce scorn and scoff is; + An honest citizen feels but a cur + When snapped and snarled at by these Jacks-in-Office. + They're sure to have the pull of me somehow; + Oh! I've read "Handbooks." I've attended Meetings + Where angry ratepayers raise fruitless row; + But, bless you, these bold roarings turn to bleatings, + When they the cruel inquisition face + Of some austere Committee of Assessment. + Until I found myself in that dread place + I never knew what fogged and foiled distress meant. + Between them and my Landlord I've no peace. + I'm honest, but they treat me as "a wrong one." + I'm a Shopkeeper, holding a short lease + (My Landlord takes good care it's not a long one). + Once in seven years the Landlord lifts my Rent, + And once in five my Rates the Assessor raises, + Values, Gross, Rateable, so much per cent.? + Bah! the attempt to fathom them but crazes! + The only regular rule is--Up! Up! Up! + And any protest only brings upon you + Your Landlord's wrath, and cheek from some sleek pup, + Who bullies you; and laughs when he has done you. + "Pay and look pleasant," is the official rule, + And as to wife and child, and food and raiment, + You _may_ attend to them, poor drudging fool! + When of your Rent and Rates you've made full payment. + Yes, Rent and Rates! they are the modern gods, + And Moloch's tyranny was not more cruel. + With Landlord or with Vestry get at odds, + And you're gone coon; they'll soon give you your gruel. + Just now Vestrydom's victims are a-howl + With rage at skinning; but their indignation + Will fade, and they will feed the Official Ghoul + Until the next Quinquennial Valuation. + And then--well, Lord knows what may happen _then_, + Unless--unless--and that is most improbable-- + Ratepayers rise _together_--show they're men, + And not mere sheep gregarious, warm-fleeced, robbable. + Meanwhile the Vestry Vultures gorge their fill, + And I am warned--by friends--"_Don't put their backs up!_" + _Their_ backs! And we sing "_Rule Britannia_" still!! + Will _no one_ chaw these fine official Jacks up? + + * * * * * + +THE KREUTZER SONATA. + + One _Pozdnisheff_ by name + Played the matrimonial game; + Pleased by a little curl, + Which round his heart did twirl, + And taken by a jersey + (Exported from the Mersey); + He felt, poor man, half-witted + When he saw how well it fitted! + + The mother, with her jersey-clad young daughter, + Asked the lover to a party on the water. + Soft things he now could say + To the maiden all the way, + Till she caught him--who imagined he had caught her! + + Now there came a young musician, _Troukachevsky_, + Who, at Petersburg, resided on the Nevsky; + And to play with him the flighty wife was fated + In the famed duet to KREUTZEE dedicated. + + The husband who perceived things were not right, + Home suddenly returned at dead of night. + His boots he'd taken off; + He was careful not to cough; + And his plans so well were woven, + That they still performed Beethoven. + But, neither being deaf, + They at last heard _Pozdnisheff_. + Poor wife! He so affrights her, + That she plays no more the _Kreutzer_. + + If on each foot he'd had a slipper + To Troukachevsky (who was saved) + The husband would have p'rhaps behaved + Much in the style of Jack the Ripper. + He put to flight the dilettante + (Who hadn't finished half the _andante_), + But feared the servants' mockings + Should they see him in his stockings, + Racing along the corridor:-- + Not that he thought it horrid, or + Harsh to transfix him with a dagger, + (He could not bear the fiddler's swagger), + But felt quite sure so droll a figure + Would make his rude domestics snigger. + + And now his wife cries out for mercy + (No more she wears that fetching jersey); + And all in vain she pity claims: + The dagger ruthlessly he aims, + And through the whale-bone of her corset + Tries unsuccessfully to force it. + At last he feels that he's succeeded, + A little more than p'rhaps was needed. + Ah, that by taking out the knife + He now could bring her back to life! + + 'Twas his habit, when he got into a pet, + Invariably to light a cigarette; + And, having killed his wife, he never spoke + One word until he'd had a quiet smoke. + + When he saw that it was time, he called a p'liceman, + And exclaimed, "Oh, I have broken the Tsar's peace, man. + I've killed my wife!--I did it in a fury-- + But I wish the matter brought before a jury." + And the jury, after hearing all the case, + Said, "Not Guilty. We'd have done it in his place." + And he lately, in a Russian railway carriage, + Told Count TOLSTOI all the story of his marriage. + + * * * * * + +"The Law of Arms is such."--Mr. Punch greatly regrets that he was +unable to be present at the Annual Inspection of the Inns of Court +Volunteers, when members were requested to "show every article of +equipment and clothing of which they were in possession." No doubt +the exhibition was as interesting as imposing. It is rumoured that +the display of wigs and gowns (worn in Court) and lawn-tennis blazers +(used in the Temple Gardens) was absolutely magnificent. It is further +reported that the large collection of go-to-meeting hats, frock-coats, +and patent-leather boots extorted universal admiration from all +beholders. To his sorrow, a prior engagement prevented Mr. A. +BRIEFLESS Junior, (who is an Hon. Member of the Corps), from putting +in an appearance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROPOSED NATIONAL GALLERY OF BRITISH ART IN DANGER. + +_Mr. Henry Tate_. "NO, THANK YOU, MR. RED TAPE, I DON'T WANT MY GIFTS +TO THE NATION TO BE TIED UP BY _YOU_, THEN PACKED AWAY, AND NEVER SEEN +AGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + +WHAT IT WILL COME TO; + +OR, THE COURT, THE CHASE, AND THE CURSE. + + "Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS used some strong language yesterday in + reference to the small room in which he was called upon to + administer Justice while the Worship Street Police Court is + being renovated."--_Evening Paper_. + + SCENE--_A small apartment in a Metropolitan Police Court_. + Presiding Magistrate _and_ Clerk _discovered_. + +_Presiding Magistrate_. There! You and I can sit here, and the rest +can remain outside. And now I will take the night charges. + +_Voice from Passage_ (_without_). Please, your worship, as I was on +duty last night, this man-- + +_Builder_ (_putting his head in_). Sorry to trouble you, Sir, but we +have got something to do to the flooring. Must ask you to be off. + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). Very well; the Court is +adjourned to the back garden. (_Scene changes to that locality._) +Come, this is better! Fresh air, in spite of the smuts! And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Builder_ (_entering_). Very sorry to trouble you again, Sir, but +there's something wrong with the drains. We think the pipes are out +of order, and so we shall have to dig them up. So, if you don't mind +moving-- + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). Very well; the Court is +adjourned to the coal-cellar. (_Scene changes to that locality._) +Come, this is not so bad! Very cool, if rather damp. And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Coalheaver_ (_speaking through hole in roof_). Sorry to disturb you, +gents, but as me and my mates are going to put some coals in this here +cellar, I thought it good manners to tell you all to clear out. + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). The Court is adjourned to the +housetop. (_Scene changes to that locality._) Come, this is not so +bad! Nice breeze up here. A little difficult to sit upon a sloping +roof, perhaps; but one gets accustomed to everything. And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Sweep_ (_entering_). Sorry to disturb you, mates, but I am just +agoing to sweep the chimneys; and-- + +_Police Magistrate_ (_unable to restrain his indignation any longer_). +Oh--!!! + + [_The Curtain hurriedly conceals the strong but natural + exclamation._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXCELSIOR! OR, THE DAY-DREAM OF DRURIOLANUS. + +_Elected Sheriff, June 27, he dreams that he is encountered on his +road by the fairy forms of Harry Nicholls and Herbert Campbell._ + +_Voices of Fairy Forms_. "ALL HAIL, DRURIOLANUS! SHERIFF THOU ART, +AND SHALT BE MAYOR HEREAFTER!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE MILITARY TOURNAMENT. + +SCENE--_THE AGRICULTURAL HALL. TENT-PEGGING GOING ON_. + +_Stentorian Judge_ (_in Arena_). Corporal BINKS! (_The Assistants give +a finishing blow to the peg, and fall back. Corporal BINKS gallops +in, misses the peg, and rides off, relieving his feelings by whirling +his lance defiantly in the air_.) Corporal BINKS--nothing! + +_A Gushing Lady_. Poor dear thing! I _do_ wish he'd struck it! he did +look so disappointed, and so did that sweet horse! + +_The Judge_. Serjeant SPANKER! (_Sergeant S. gallops in, spears the +peg neatly, and carries it off triumphantly on the point of the lance, +after which he rides back and returns the peg to the Assistants as +a piece of valuable property of which he has accidentally deprived +them_) Sergeant SPANKER--eight! (_Applause; the Assistants drive in +another peg._) Corporal CUTLASH! (_Corporal C. enters, strikes the +peg, and dislodges without securing it. Immense applause from the +Crowd_.) Corporal CUTLASH--two! + +_The Gushing Lady_. Only two, and when he really did hit the peg! I do +call that a shame. I should have given him more marks than the other +man--he has such a _much_ nicer face! + +_A Child with a Thirst for Information_. Uncle, why do they call it +_tent_-pegging? + +_The Uncle_. Why? Well, because those pegs are what they fasten down +tents with. + +_The Child_. But why isn't there a tent now? + +_Uncle_. Because there's no use for one. + +_Child_. Why? + +_Uncle_. Because all they want to do is to pick up the peg with the +point of their lance. + +_Child_. Yes, but why _should_ they want to do it? + +_Uncle_. Oh, to amuse their horses. (_The Child ponders upon this +answer with a view to a fresh catechism upon the equine passion for +entertainment, and the desirability, or otherwise, of gratifying it_.) + +_A Chatty Man in the Promenade_ (_to his Neighbour_). Takes a deal of +practice to strike them pegs fair and full. + +_His Neighbour_ (_who holds advanced Socialistic opinions_). Ah, +I dessay--and a pity they can't make no better use o' their time! +Spoiling good wood, _I_ call it. I don't see no point in it myself. + +_The Chatty Man_. Well, it shows they can _ride_, at any rate. + +_The Socialist_. Ride? O' course they can _ride_--we pay enough for +'aving 'em taught, don't we? But you mark my words, the People won't +put up with this state of things much longer--keepin' a set of 'ired +murderers in luxury and hidleness. I tell yer, wherever I come across +one of these great lanky louts strutting about in his red coat, as if +he was one of the lords of the hearth, well--it makes my nose bleed, +ah--it _does_! + +_The Chatty Man_. If that's the way you talk to him, I ain't surprised +if it do. + +_The Judge_. Sword _versus_ Sword! Come in, there! (_Two mounted +Combatants, in leather jerkins and black visors, armed with +sword-sticks, enter the ring; Judge introduces them to audience with +the aid of a flag_.) Corporal JONES, of the Wessex Yeomanry; Sergeant +SMITH, of the Manx Mounted Infantry. (_Their swords are chalked by the +Assistants_.) Are you ready? Left turn! Countermarch! Engage! (_The +Combatants wheel round and face one another, each vigorously spurring +his horse and prodding cautiously at the other; the two horses seem +determined not to be drawn into the affair themselves on any account, +and take no personal interest in the conflict; the umpires skip and +dodge at the rear of the horses, until one of the Combatants gets in +with a rattling blow on the other's head, to the intense delight of +audience. Both men are brushed down, and their weapons re-chalked, +whereupon they engage once more_--_much to the disgust of their +horses, who had evidently been hoping it was all over. After the +contest is finally decided, a second pair of Combatants enter; one is +mounted on a black horse, the other on a chestnut, who refuses to lend +himself to the business on any terms, and bolts on principle; while +the rider of the black horse remains in stationary meditation_.) Go +on--that black horse--go on! (_The chestnut is at length brought up +to the scratch snorting, but again flinches, and retires with his +rider_.) + +_The Crowd_ (_to rider of black horse_). Go on, now's your chance! +'It him! (_The recipient of these counsels pursues his antagonist, and +belabours him and his horse with impartial good-will until separated +by the Umpires, who examine the chalk-marks with a professional +scrutiny._) + +_The Judge_. Here, you on the black horse, you mustn't hit that +other horse about the head. (_The man addressed appears rebuked and +surprised under his black-wired visor; The Judge, reassuringly_.) +It's all _right_, you know; only, don't do it again, that's all! (_The +Combatant sits up again._) + +_The Gushing Lady_. Oh, I can't bear to look on, really. I'm _sure_ +they oughtn't to hit so hard--_how_ their poor dear heads must ache! +Isn't that chestnut a _duck_? I'm sure he's trying to save his master +from getting hurt--they're such sensible creatures, horses are! +(_Artillery teams drive in, and gallop between the posts; the Crowd +going frantic with delight when the posts remain upright, and roaring +with laughter when one is knocked over_.) + +DURING THE MUSICAL RIDE. + +_The Gushing Lady_. Oh, they're simply too _sweet_! how those horses +are enjoying it--aren't they pets? and how perfectly they keep step +to the music, don't they? + +_Her Friend_ (_who is beginning to get a trifle tired by her +enthusiasm_). Yes; but then they're all trained by Madame KATTI +LANNER, of Drury Lane, you see. + +_The G.L._ What pains she must have taken with them; but you can teach +a horse _anything_, can't you? + +_Her Friend_. Oh, that's nothing; next year they're going to have a +horse who'll dance the Highland Fling. + +_The Socialist_. A pretty sight? Cost a pretty sight o' the People's +money, I know that. Tomfoolery, that's what it is; a set of dressed-up +bullies dancin' quadrilles on 'orseback; _that_ ain't military +manoeuvrin'. It's sickenin' the way fools applaud such goins on. And +cuttin off the Saracen's 'ed, too; I'd call it plucky if the Saracen +'ad a gun in his 'and. Bah, I ate the ole business! + +_His Neighbour_. Got anybody along with you, Mate? + +_The Socialist_. No, I don't want anybody along with _me_, I don't. + +_His Neighbour_. That's a pity, that is. A sweet-tempered, +pleasant-spoken party like you are oughtn't to go about by yourself. +You ought to bring somebody just to enjoy your conversation. There +don't seem to be anybody '_ere_ of your way of thinkin'. + +DURING THE COMBINED DISPLAY. + +_The Gushing Lady_ (_as the Cyclist Corps enter_). Oh, they've got +a _dog_ with them. Do look--such a dear! See, they've tied a letter +round his neck. He'll come back with an answer presently. (_But, there +being apparently no answer to this communication, the faithful but +prudent animal does not re-appear_.) + +AFTER THE PERFORMANCE. + +_The Inquisitive Child_. Uncle, which side won? + +_Uncle_. I suppose the side that advanced across the bridges. + +_Child_. Which side _would_ have won if it had been a _real_ battle? + +_Uncle_. I really couldn't undertake to say, my boy. + +_Child_. But which do you _think_ would have won? + +_Uncle_. I suppose the side that fought best. + +_Child_. But which side was _that_? (_The Uncle begins to find that +the society of an intelligent Nephew entails too severe a mental +strain to be frequently cultivated._) + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +_Monday 23_.--Operatic world all agog to hear, and to see, _Le +Prophète_. First appearance for many years. Great things expected +of JEAN DE RESZKÉ as _Jean of Leyden_, and Mlle. RICHARD as _Fides_. +Great expectations not disappointed. Scene in Cathedral magnificent +as a spectacle. But scene in Cathedral between JEAN and his unhappy +mother still grander as acting. _Le Prophète_ is remarkable too, as +being an Opera without Mlle. BAUERMEISTER in it. Skating scene, with +a nice ballet, rather a frost. "Not sufficient go in it," observes +veteran Opera-goer, with book in his hand, dated eighteen hundred +and sixty something, containing a cast of characters which, he says, +though he doesn't show me the book, comprises the names of MARIO, +GRISI, VIARDOT-GARCIA, and HERR FORMES. A more veterany veteran tells +me that GRISI and VIARDOT never played together in this, but that +GRISI succeeded VIARDOT as _Fides_. + +[Illustration: MONDAY, JUNE 23. + +Jean de Reszké as Jean of Leyden. Jeanne The Risky as Sarah d'Arc.] + +Even the veteran is pleased, and acknowledges that thirty years ago +they couldn't have done it as they do now, barring the skating scene, +where, he insists upon it, the original "go" is wanting. The fact is, +we have long passed the days when "rinking" was a novelty on the stage +or off it. But what a jolly lot these Anabaptists were! They enjoyed +themselves with their dancing-girls and their picnicking on the ice. +Substitute General BOOTH for _Jean of Leyden_, and the tambourine +girls for PALLADINO and the ballet, and then you have a modern version +of _Le Prophète_. + +[Illustration: Mlle. Richard as Fides,--not Boney Fides.] + +Delightful to see M. MIRANDA as one of the three Anabaptists, +_Mathisen_ (a good name in the city, with only a letter changed), +striking a sixteenth century flint, for the purpose of lighting +a candle, but, failing in the attempt, compelled to destroy +sixteenth-century illusion, and employ, in a sneaking kind of way, +the nineteenth-century match, which strikes only on its own box. Mlle. +NUOVINA, not so good here as in the part of _Marguerite_, but there is +very little for a soprano to do. JEAN reckless in the final drinking +song. + +The voice of DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS is heard at the wings. The +stage-manager's assistant is evidently nervous, and the curtain, after +once going up a little way and coming down again, ascends suddenly, +in spite of adjuration of DRURIOLANUS to "Wait! wait!" No hitch, and +in another moment DRURIOLANUS, calm, but with suppressed emotion, is +watching the scene from the front. + +"Ah," he murmurs to himself, "if I could only get Guildhall to do what +I like in on that Ninth, of November when I shall be Lord Mayor. I'd +soon show 'em what's what. I'd have a coronation, or investiture, +scene to which this should be mere child's play." + +EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ excellent as _Zacharias_--a, name chiefly associated +with one of Lieutenant COLE'S characters, a Mawworm who looks over +the screen; and M. MONTARIOL good as a lighter-hearted Anabaptist. A +memorable revival. + +_Tuesday_.--_Les Huguenots_. Return of Mlle. BAUERMEISTER after one +night's absence. _Wednesday_.--_Carmen_, as before. + +_Thursday_.--_Rigoletto_. Fine house to hear this Opera. _Le Prince +s'amuse_. The Princess also. Mlle. MELBA excellent; should be known as +"Her Grace." M. LASSALLE, not ideal Jester, physically, but, vocally, +never was _Rigoletto_ better. Signor VALERO a good Ducal tenor: he +scores a treble--(a thing to be done in whist and music)--i.e., +treble _encore_ for "_La Donna è Mobile_." Madame SCALCHI, of course, +good as usual, and Signor MIRANDA (why not FERDINAND MIRANDA, and be +thoroughly Shakspearian at once?) energetic as _Monterone_. FERDINAND +MIRANDA always conscientious actor. Not last, but quite the least, +comes Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER, as _Giovanna_, without whom no Opera +at Covent Garden can be considered as really complete. This is the +only defect on + +_Friday Night_, in _Le Prophète_, which is given again and again--no +part for Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER. Every place in the House taken. +Profit here and Loss for those who can't get seats to hear it. Great +excitement to know whether DRURIOLANUS is elected Sheriff or not. +Early in the evening contradictory rumours in Lobby. At last the +numbers are up. DRURIOLANUS elected. Uncommonly well he will look +in his robes of office. DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS COUNTI-COUNCILARIUS +SHERIFFUS! All hail! + +_Saturday_.--Cannot be present. Have telegraphed to +DRURIOLANUS,--"Dear Sheriff, cannot come; but don't close House; let +Opera go on as usual." I believe it did. + + * * * * * + +SARAH JEANNE AT HIS MAYERJESTY'S. + +[Illustration: Sarah Jeanne explains symbolically to rude English +soldier that he must "hook it."] + +[Illustration: Back View of New Sarah Jeanne overcoat for race +meetings.] + +SARAH JEANNE of Arc. SARAH wrapt up in the visionary creation +is comparatively lost in the part; that is, until she comes out +magnificently in the last scene but one. Otherwise, except to look +the Martyr, and to languish, nothing much for SARAH to do. Cathedral +scene here rivals that at Covent Garden. SARAH wins and thrills the +audience: her voice soothes them in their most ruffled humour, even +after the audience has been kept waiting nearly twenty-five minutes +between the Acts. Everyone disappointed that the funeral pile does +not catch fire, and that the Curtain does not descend on a sensational +scene, for which Captain SHAW and his Merry Men would have to be in +attendance. The cast good all round, but it's more of an Opera, or +a religious play, than a Melodrama. GOUNOD'S music not particularly +striking, and the March sounds familiar. SARAH JEANNE holds the +audience spell-bound to the end, rather by what she doesn't than by +what she does, except in the great scene already mentioned. _Jeanne +d'Arc_ is to run on till further notice, and then Madame SARAH +will appear in some of her well-known parts, and take a temporary +farewell of the British Public. To those who have hitherto neglected +opportunities of seeing SARAH JEANNE let this notice be a warning, and +let them in their thousands hurry up to His Mayerjesty's. + + * * * * * + +"CAN WORMS SEE?"--_Vide St. James's Gazette_ and _Field_. +Correspondent says worms do not shrink from candle-light, but +immediately withdraw under the glare of a bull's-eye lantern. +Evidently for exact information, "Ask a Policeman." Also consult Baron +DE WORMS. He sees his way about well enough. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRACTICAL MEMENTO. + +_Sir James_. "AND WERE YOU IN ROME?" + +_American Lady_. "I GUESS NOT." (_To her Daughter_.) "SAY, BELLA, +DID WE VISIT ROME?" + +_Fair Daughter_. "WHY, MA, CERT'NLY! DON'T YOU REMEMBER? IT WAS IN +ROME WE BOUGHT THE LISLE-THREAD STOCKINGS!" + +_American Lady is convinced_.] + + * * * * * + +"IN TROUBLE." + + "Three Men in a Boat!" And you don't often see + Pair oars and their cox. in a nastier fix. + They started all right, did this nautical Three, + But they've managed to get in no end of a mix. + That Steersman, he thought a good deal of his Stroke, + And there seemed scarce a steadier oarsman than Bow, + But they must have got "skylarking." Ah! it's no joke, + And the question is what are they going to do now? + For danger's a-head, and 'twill tax all their skill + To avoid a capsize and a horrible spill. + + What can they be up to? a gazer might say, + As he watched their eccentric career from the banks. + Three 'ARRIES at large on a Bank Holiday + Could hardly indulge in more blundering pranks. + Stroke "catches a crab" in the clumsiest style, + (And they called him a fine finished oarsman, this chap!) + At his "Catherine-wheeler" a Cockney might smile, + As he tumbles so helplessly back in Bow's lap. + And Bow!--well, he's snapped off the blade of his scull, + And poor Cox's steering-gear's all "in a mull." + + It's all that Stroke's fault--so the whisper goes round. + He _would_ try new dodges, uncalled-for, unproved, + They were "going great guns," when he suddenly found + That, to make himself Champion (and get himself loved + By the river-side "Bungs" and their large _clientèle_), + He must--set a new stroke in the midst of a spin-- + A policy plainly predestined to fail, + And one, we must own, scarce deserving to win. + And so he has smashed up a shining success, + And got himself into a deuce of a mess. + + So various voices! And this was the oar + They triumphantly won from a great rival crew; + The cool-headed, steady-nerved Stroke, bound to score; + The fellow who funking or failure ne'er knew. + _He_ hurry, or falter, catch crabs, miss, or muff? + No, no; lesser men might--say, GL-DST-NE or SM-TH-- + But _he_ was not made of such common-place stuff, + His nerve was all steel, and his muscle all pith. + And now he's adrift amidst snags, stumps, and rooks, + And the Coxswain has just lost his rudder--poor Cox.! + + And danger's ahead, and the full of the weir + Sounds close, as that Stroke tumbles "head over tip." + No wonder poor Bow, his oar bladeless, looks queer. + No wonder the Steersman his yoke-lines lets slip. + The Three are "In Trouble," of that there's no doubt; + Stroke mutters, "Obstruction!" Bow talks of "a foul." + But when you have muffed it, and foes are about, + It isn't much use at bad fortune to growl. + No; Stroke, Bow, and Coxswain must "go it like bricks," + If they mean to get out of this troublesome fix. + + * * * * * + +ERRATUM.--_Mr. Punch_ last week paid the Notts' Cricketer, GUNN, +a well-deserved compliment on his great innings of 228 against +the Australians. He _intended_ to represent him as piling-up that +huge score "against the best bowling." The obviously accidental +substitution of the word "batting" for "bowling" here, caused "the +Nottingham Giant" to be credited with a novel cricketing performance, +to which even _he_ would hardly be equal. The proverbial Irish gun +that could "shoot round a corner," would not be "in it" with a GUNN +who could "bat against batting!" As a Correspondent (in slightly +different words) suggests:-- + + "When a Champion Batsman's performance extolling, + 'Tis well to distinguish, 'twixt batting and bowling!" + + * * * * * + +EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.--According to _Mr. Punch's_ sharp contemporary, +the _Lancet_, the effect of bagpipe-playing upon the teeth is to blunt +them; in fact, in course of time, to wear them away. To the auditor +the music has a contrary effect. _Mr. Punch_ is able to say, from +experience, that he has never listened to the National instrument of +Grand Old Scotland without having his teeth set on edge. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IN TROUBLE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS FOR THE PARK. + +WHY NOT HAVE SOMETHING OF THIS SORT? IT WOULD AT LEAST MAKE THINGS +LESS MONOTONOUS.] + + * * * * * + +TOUTING FOR TOURISTS. + +TO THE EDITOR + +OF ANY PAPER THAT INSERTS GRATUITOUS ADVERTISEMENTS. + +SIR,--Kindly contradict the rumour, which I find is widely spread and +appears to be credited in some quarters, that an extensive sewage +farm has been established in front of the most fashionable terrace in +Slushborough-on-Sea, and that a Smallpox Hospital is about to be built +upon the Pier. "Salubrious Slushborough" still continues (in spite +of the machinations of jealous Northbourne) to be the most select, +popular, and healthy resort on the British coasts. + +Yours disinterestedly, THE MAYOR OF SLUSHBOROUGH. + + +SIR,--A report (proceeding, I have reason, to believe, from +ill-conditioned residents at Slushborough) is being disseminated to +the effect, that the water-supply of Northbourne is largely tainted +with typhus and diphtheria germs, and that an epidemic is already +ravaging this place. As a matter of fact, the only case of illness +of any kind in this town at present is a patient brought over from +Slushborough in the last stage of blood-poisoning, owing to the +defective drainage system there, and who, in this salubrious and +invigorating atmosphere, is now rapidly recovering. + +I remain, Yours &c., THE MAYOR OF NORTHBOURNE. + + +SIR,--In view of the correspondence with regard to the present +condition of our popular seaside resorts, it will, I feel sure, +interest your readers to learn that an examination of the air of +Whitecliffe lately made by a local analyst, reveals the fact that +it contains _fifty-five per cent. more ozone than is to be found on +the top of Mont Blanc!_ I publish this piece of intelligence purely +in the interests of science, and as I am writing I may perhaps take +the opportunity to mention that apartments here are both good and +reasonable, and the bathing first-rate. The same analyst incidentally +discovered that the air at Chorkstone is largely laden with poisonous +bacteria. + +Yours truly, THE MAYOR OF WHITECLIFFE. + + +SIR,--At this time of year, when our glorious Lees are in the full +radiance of their summer beauty, it becomes a mere act of Christian +duty to warn intending holiday-makers to avoid Whitecliffe, and to +select Chorkstone as their place of sojourn instead. An eminent local +medical man asserts that morbiferous germs exist to a very dangerous +degree in the Whitecliffe atmosphere, and that the Whitecliffe water +is rendered almost solid by the multitude of bacilli it contains. +Another Chorkstone resident, who lately visited Whitecliffe, found +the air so relaxing that he fainted away, and had it not been for the +kindness of the landlord of a certain hotel, who had him carried out +of his bar and driven off in a trap to his own home, he believes he +would have succumbed! Comment is needless. + +Yours impartially, THE MAYOR OF CHORKSTONE. + + +SIR,--There is not the slightest foundation for the ridiculous +_canard_ as to the inhabitants of this picturesque and abnormally +fashionable town being "in a state of complete panic, owing to the +fact that all the convicts recently confined at Shortland have broken +out, and are indulging in frightful excesses in the neighbourhood." +The convicts have _not_ broken out; but an epidemic of gratuitous +mendacity has done so, it appears. + +Yours indignantly, THE MAYOR OF CURDSMOUTH. + +P.S.--Have you heard about the sanitary state of Shutmouth? Shocking! + + +SIR,--As I hear that it is rumoured that M. PASTEUR has discovered an +entirely new and most dangerous kind of bacillus in the neighbourhood +of pine-trees, perhaps I may mention, in order to reassure our myriads +of intending summer visitors, that the death-rate at this town is +one in ten thousand, and that we should have had _no death-rate at +all last week_, if the one person referred to had not met with an +unfortunate accident. All the Shutmouth doctors are starving. + +Yours, THE MAYOR OF SHUTMOUTH. + +P.S.--Ought not something to be done to check the mortality at +Curdsmouth? It is disgraceful! + + * * * * * + +TO THE RIGHT WHEEL, BARROW! + + CAINE'S action shakes the Unionists' dominion; + Against it piteous appeals seem vain; + But 'tis, in his late colleagues' pained opinion, + _Not_ "the nice conduct of a clouded CAINE!" + + * * * * * + +"THE SEA! THE SEA!" + +A BUSINESS-LIKE BALLAD. + +(_PENNED BY MR. PUNCH ON BEHALF OF "NOBODY'S BOYS."_) + + "We propose soon to take our rescued Street-Arabs for + 'A Fortnight's Holiday under Canvas'--_by the sea, if + possible."--Appeal of Mr. J.W.C. Fegan, of the Boys' + Home, Southwark_. + +[Illustration] + + _Thalatta! Thalatta_! Not XENOPHON'S Greeks, O benevolent Public, but + "Nobody's Boys," + Wild Arabs of London, by tenderness tamed, at the sight of the sea vent + exuberant joys + In vociferous shoutings! Imagine the rapture of wrecks from the gutter + and waifs from the slum, + When first on their ears falls the jubilant thrill of the sky-soaring + lark, or the wild bee's low hum! + Imagine the pleasure of plunging at will into June's leafy copses of + hazel and lime, + Of scudding through acres of grasses knee-high, and of snuffing the + fragrance of clover and thyme. + But what is all this to the dumb-stricken wonder, swift followed by + outbursts of full-throated glee, + Which fancy can picture, when London's pale outcasts from some grassy + cliff catch first sight of the Sea! + _Thalatta! Thalatta_! There's many a lad who has never before had a + glimpse of the wave; + For these are of those who, from London's dark wastes 'tis the aim of + their leaders to rescue and save. + "Nobody's Boys," the lost waifs of the city, foredoomed, but for aid, + to debasement and crime, + Possible gallows-birds,--they with wan faces late cleansed from the + rookery's hideous grime, + Snatched from the gutter whilst boyhood bears hope with it, gathered and + tended with vigilant care. + Servants of soul-thrift their volunteer champions! Weeds of the slum, + with fresh soil and sweet air, + Grow into grace and fair fruitage. These pariahs, "Southwark Boys," + strays from the slime-sodden east, + FEGAN takes forth in gay troops to the meadows, in freshness of nature to + frolic and feast, + Climb in the woodlands and plunge in the waters, ramble and scramble + through tangle-hedged lanes, + Fish in the pools with youth's primitive tackle, breathe quickening + vigour through bosoms and brains. + Picture the boys "camping out" on the commons, and gipsying gaily in + tents midst the heather, + Armed with their canvas and blankets and boilers and pannikins well + against hunger and weather. + Picture them--CALLOT'S free brush might have managed it--gathered in + pow-wow around the camp-fire, + Sun-tanned and wind-browned, in picturesque raiment, with wisp of the + wild hop or trail of the briar + Hat-wreathed or button-holed. BURNS should have sung of them; + trim-skirted Muse, with punctilious tastes, + Were not at home with these waifs from the rookery, pastured at large + in free Nature's wild wastes, + Bounding, and breathing fresh air, romping, wrestling, and disciplined + only to cleanness and order. + Otherwise free as the tent-dwelling Arabs, or outlaws of Sherwood, or + bands of the Border. + Picture it! FEGAN'S pink pamphlet _has_ pictured it. Read it, all lovers + of Nature and youth, + All who have care for the wrecks of humanity, all who are moved by the + spirit of ruth. + Ere Spring returns, far Canadian homesteads will house their contingents + of "Nobody's Boys." + Let them take with them kind thoughts of Old England, and memories sweet + of its rare rural joys. + Let them "camp out" once again, by the ocean, and plunge in the billow, + and rove on the sands; + Know the true British brine-whiff by experience. Help, British Public, + their friends' kindly hands. + Good is the work, and the fruit of it excellent; giving poor wastrels a + fair start in life, + Taste of true pleasure, and wholesome enjoyment, aid in endeavour, and + strength for the strife. + What better use for spare cash at this season? Come then, _Punch_ + readers, right willingly come! + _Mr. Punch_ knows scarce a cause more deserving, or worthy of aid, than + the Southwark Boys' Home! + +_Mem_.--Mr. J.W.C. FEGAN, of the Boys' Home, Southwark, the writer of +the pleasant pamphlet entitled _Camping Out_, makes appeal towards +the expenses of giving "a fortnight's holiday under canvas--_by the +sea, if possible_"--to the waifs and strays in Mr. FEGAN'S Homes. +To that gentleman, and NOT to _Mr. Punch_, subscriptions should be +sent. Remittances may be made to him (by P.O.O., payable at General +Post-Office, or by cheque crossed "London and County Bank") at the +Boys' Home, 95, Southwark Street, London, S.E. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 23_.--A gleam of glory in sombre +chamber of the Peers; a thin streak of red making its devious way +between the table and the Benches. At the head comes Black Rod, giving +some relief to the glittering spectacle; Garter King-at-Arms, without +whom British Constitution would be a vain thing, follows. Then the +Prince of WALES, looking a trifle anxious; is bringing out his son +and heir to take his place in the hereditary chamber; anxious that +all should go well. Next the new Duke of CLARENCE, looking very well +in his new Peer's robes, on which his fair mother, seated with her +daughter in side galleries, casts approving glance. Then the Duke +of EDINBURGH, with the stalwart Hereditary Grand Marshal, Jockey o' +Norfolk, and Aveland, Lord Great Chamberlain. + +Procession strolled in in quite casual way; passed Woolsack to which +HALSBURY lent grace and dignity; New Peer handed his credentials +to LOBD CHANCELLOR; but HALSBURY, above all things, man of cautious +habits. No doubt everything was right and in order; presence of Prince +of WALES guarantee of it; but HALSBURY not to be taken in. All very +well, but all in due order. So new Peer taken charge of by the Reading +Clerk; Procession moved on to table; documents mumbled over; oath +taken; roll signed. New Peer turned to look at LORD CHANCELLOR; +decidedly more friendly; haughty, forbidding, distrustful look, +vanished from his ordinarily genial countenance. Young Peer encouraged +to venture on friendly nod; LORD CHANCELLOR in response, lifted +three-cornered hat, and on replacing it, was observed to cock it +slightly on one side. Procession now moved on towards doorway by side +of Throne, where was set three chairs. + +"A little slow isn't it, Sir," said Duke of CLARENCE to H.R.H.; +"suppose we sit down here a bit; Black Rod will go and fetch us +a flagon of Malmsey wine; am told they always keep a butt on the +premises for stray Dukes." + +"No Malmsey for you, CLARENCE," said the Gracious Parent; "but if +you'd like to sit down a moment, you may." + +So new Peer sat in middle chair, Father and Uncle anxiously regarding +him. LORD CHANCELLOR slewed round on Woolsack to see what was going +on behind him. New Peer, making himself quite at home, put on hat; +finding LORD CHANCELLOR staring at him, uplifted it; LORD CHANCELLOR +did same with his. Duke tried it again; LORD CHANCELLOR, comically +half turned round on the Woolsack, followed suit. + +"Do it a third time, CLARENCE," whispered H.R.H., entering into fun +of thing. So the new Peer, always with his eyes gravely fixed on LORD +CHANCELLOR, who, in the excitement of the moment, had got his left leg +cocked over the Woolsack, did it a third time; LORD CHANCELLOR did the +same; Princesses in the Gallery sweetly smiling; Garter King-at-Arms +totting off the number of salutes; and Black Rod thanking his stars +that presently, when they left the House, he could walk face forward, +not as when he visited the Commons, walking backward like a crab. + +"I think that'll do," said H.R.H. "HALSBURY is in very uncomfortable +attitude; besides this is a sort of game that palls after the third +round. Go and say good-bye to HALSBURY, and we'll go and have a cup +of tea with your mother." + +Procession reformed; New Peer led up to Woolsack, where LORD +CHANCELLOR, with little gesture of surprise, as if he had only now +caught sight of him for first time, shook hands with him. Prince of +Wales lifted his cap to LORD CHANCELLOR; LORD CHANCELLOR lifted his +cap to Prince of WALES; the other Princes followed suit; Black Rod +toddled off; and the gay and gorgeous procession disappeared through +the doorway, leaving the Chamber in sudden twilight, as if the sun had +dipped below the horizon. + +An exceedingly friendly meeting all round; quite contagious. + +[Illustration: "Toby, M.P., I presume?"] + +"TOBY, M.P., I presume?" said BROADHURST, as I walked out. He had +been looking on, and had quite caught the graceful manner of the LORD +CHANCELLOR. I raised my hat three times, and went on to the Commons, +where there were wigs on the Green. + +_Business done_.--In Commons, Compensation Clauses withdrawn. + +_Tuesday_.--TIM HEALY puts final spoke in wheel of Compensation Bill. +Rose after questions on paper disposed of, and asked for ruling of +SPEAKER on an important point affecting Parliamentary Procedure. TIM'S +manner boded ill for the Government--deferential, low-voiced, with +total absence of self-assertion or aggression, TIM stood, the very +model of a modest young man. + +"Yes," said Prince ARTHUR, "but I hope he's not going to say anything +about Irish business. When he's in this mood, I prefer he should +address himself to my dear friend JOKIM." + +[Illustration: _Right Hon. A. Balfour_. "My dearest Tim, 'for this +relief much thanks!'"] + +TIM had anticipated Prince ARTHUR'S wishes. It _was_ about +Compensation Bill that he desired to consult SPEAKER. JOKIM, as +last turn in devious course, had proposed to dodge difficulty +about Compensation by accumulating proceeds of increased till +some indefinite period, when great reform of Licensing should be +introduced. "But," says TIM, almost begging pardon for interposing, +"in Budget Bill it has been specifically decreed that proceeds of +tax should be appropriated during present Session." Accumulation, TIM +urged, with a vague notion that he was dropping into poetry, is not +Appropriation. SPEAKER agreed with him: consternation on Treasury +Bench; Ministers tried to put bold face on affairs; could not discuss +question now; would do so by-and-by; confident they could show there +was nothing in TIM'S objection. An hour later, when time came to +resume Committee on Compensation Bill, OLD MORALITY announced that +it would be postponed to give Ministers opportunity to consider point +suggested by TIM. Shout of exultation went up from Opposition Benches: +prolonged fight had been won at last; the obnoxious Bill was floored, +and TIM had done it. + +OLD MORALITY, standing at table in attitude where natural nobility of +character struggled with accidental depression, said: "Success, Mr. +SPEAKER, is a mark no mortal wit of surest hand can always hit. For +whatsoe'er we perpetrate, we do but row; we are steered by fate, which +in success often disinherits, for spurious causes, noblest merits. +Great occasions, Mr. SPEAKER, are not always true sons of great and +mighty resolutions, nor, I may add, do the boldest attempts bring +forth events still equal to their worth. That may be the case with +us; but at least we shall carry to our homes the consciousness that we +have diligently striven to do our duty to our QUEEN and our country." +General cheering at this little speech, and scarcely dry eye on +Treasury Bench. + +_Business done_.--Compensation Bill in fresh difficulties. + +_Thursday_.--Sitting remarkable for two speeches from ordinarily +silent Members. Began and ended proceedings. First was by WHARTON, on +presenting petition signed by over half a million persons in favour of +Compensation Clauses of Licensing Bill. Petition brought down in three +cases by PICKFORD'S van. Conveniently disposed on floor of House; +occupied the whole space. Perturbation on Treasury Bench at the report +that there was Royal Commission going forward in other House. Time +of the Session when these are frequent. Black Rod arrives; requests +attendance of Members to hear Commission read. Advances towards table, +bowing to chair; retires backward; SPEAKER follows him. How would it +be to-day, with floor blocked with towering cases? Black Rod an old +sailor, might haul himself up hand-over-hand, and skip across tops +of cases; but never do for the SPEAKER so to scramble out. Hasty and +anxious inquiry made. Turned out to be no Royal Commission to-day; so +new disaster for Ministers avoided. + +WHARTON succeeds somehow when presenting Petition in casting sort +of Cathedral Close air over proceedings. Life-long association with +cathedrals and their precincts have invested him with placid charm +of manner: would have made an excellent Dean; gone off capitally as a +Canon; now, as he waves his hand towards the space lately crowded by +the Petition, wears subtle, indescribable, but unmistakable air, as if +he were taking part in a Confirmation Service. + +[Illustration: A Maiden Speech.] + +The other orator, GRIMSTON, considerably less ecclesiastical in his +manner. Appeared suddenly on scene at midnight: maiden speech; very +effective. "Mr. COURTNEY, Sir," he said, diffidently hiding his hands +in his trousers' pockets, "I claim the indulgence the House always +extends to young Members, in rising to address it for the first time. +I beg to move that the question be now put," Question put accordingly; +debate Closured, and so home. + +_Business done_.--Quite a lot. Licensing Clauses finally dropped; +Allotments Bill read Third Time; Barracks Bill through Committee. + +_Friday_.--Police in possession of House to-night. MATTHEWS moved +Second Reading of Bill dealing with Force. Quite unusual consensus +of approval, considering it is a Government Bill. Only for GEORGE +CAMPBELL, chorus would have been unanimous. But GEORGE, looking +in from Zanzibar, where he had called after a brief trip through +Jerusalem and Madagascar, denounced the measure as "thoroughly bad." +House thereupon passed Second Reading without division. + +_Business done_.--Police Bill read Second Time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _From Report of Debate on Hares Preservation Bill, June +26_.--"They (the other Members of Parliament) could not go out and +kill 300 Dodos,"--but evidently _he_ (Sir W.V. HARCOURT) could, and +here he is--caught in the act!] + + * * * * * + +"The Oof Bird" is the Auk, as _Cornhill Mag._ says its eggs cost £170 +apiece,--of course when fresh. What a big lark!--Yours, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11726 *** diff --git a/11726-h/11726-h.htm b/11726-h/11726-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..321ddce --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/11726-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1898 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 5, 1890, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11726 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July +5, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 5, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" + id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2> + + <p>We understand that careful observers have noted a + considerable amount of disturbance in the House of Commons + during the past three weeks. Various reasons have, as usual, + been advanced to account for this phenomenon, one eminent + politician having gone so far as to hint darkly at the + existence of Cave-men (or Troglodytes), who dwell in + barrows.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The weather has been subject to strange variations. The mean + temperature of the isothermal lines, when reduced to fractions + of an infinitesimal value, has been found to correspond exactly + to the elevation of the nap on the hat of a certain sporting + Earl. Dividing that by the number of buttons on a + costermonger's waistcoat, and adding to the quotient the number + of aspirates picked up in the Old Kent Road on a Saturday + afternoon, the result has been computed as equal to the total + amount of minutes occupied by a vendor of saveloys in + advertising his wares in the Pall Mall Clubs.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Candour is at times inconvenient. A prominent member of a + Metropolitan Vestry was informed two days ago by one of the + permanent scavengers of the district, that he "wasn't worth the + price of a second-hand boot-lace." On inquiring the meaning of + this curious phrase, he was told that "his blooming head would + be knocked off for two-pence." We understand that the + Vestryman's vote on a question of salary is responsible for the + indignation of the scavenger, a member of a class usually noted + for their somewhat ceremonious courtesy.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Those who propose to travel this year will doubtless be glad + to learn that the Hessian fly has been observed in unusual + abundance in Westphalia. This succulent <i>morceau</i> is now + eaten fried, with a sauce of devilled lentils and oil.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It appears, after all, that there is no very definite + foundation for the report that Sir EDWARD WATKIN is said to be + disappointed in the competitive designs sent in for his Tower, + because none of them provide sleeping accommodation for 2000 + people on the top storey. Of course something must have given + rise to the rumour, but it is not easy to say exactly what. One + competitor has already, however, it appears, intimated his + readiness to make the required addition, by hanging his beds + over the side of the Tower on "extended poles." The question + is, "Would Sir WATKIN be able to induce his patrons 'to turn + in' under such conditions?" There's the rub.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>STANLEY'S <i>Darkest Africa</i> (SAMPSON LOW) swamps all + other books just now, except, of course, the Other STANLEY + book, called <i>A Light on the Keep-it-Quite-the-Darkest + Africa</i> (TRISCHLER & Co.) which follows closely at its + heels. The real STANLEY narrative is most interesting and + exciting; it is a book that will make everyone "sit + up"—at night to read it. The centre of attraction is in + the answer to the question, "How did I find EMIN?" Which is, + "Quite well, thank you."</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." reports that he has been doing his duty + nobly as a novel-reader. He has already devoured Vol. III. of + the <i>Man with a Secret</i>. He would attack Vols. I. and II. + if he had not had (so he says) quite enough of the Man + <i>and</i> his Secret. <i>Innocent Victims</i> is written in + the temperance interest. "Co." has every sympathy with the + cause of undiluted water, but fears that this "story of London + Life and Labour" may end in drink. He found it himself a little + dry, and was not cheered by the name of the author, HUGH DOWNE, + which seemed to suggest he could not get up again. He is + eagerly waiting for more fiction, as "<i>Expiation</i>" by + OCTAVE THANET has scarcely satisfied his craving for the weird + and the horrible. In the meanwhile, he has found a cheerful + interlude in <i>Sanity and Insanity</i>, a text-book (written + in a popular yet scientific strain) of the maladies of the + mind. He says, that Dr. MERCIER, the author, is to be + congratulated on having treated a rather "jumpy" subject in a + manner that can offend no one. "Co." had no idea up to now, + that "t'other was so like unto which."</p> + + <p>All the Magazines for July are in, but the Baron has been + unable to open them, and "Co." has cut them. BARON DE + BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After Charles Kingsley—at a respectful + distance.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dress well, sweet Maid, and let who will be + <i>clever.</i></p> + + <p class="i10">Dance, flirt, and sing!</p> + + <p class="i10">Don't study all day long.</p> + + <p class="i10">Or else you'll find,</p> + + <p class="i10">When other girls get married,</p> + + <p class="i10">You'll sing a different song!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>SAD NEWS FROM ETON.—"Bever" is dead. Sorrowing boys + followed the bier. The Bever-age has ceased to exist. What + next? Will the characteristic Etonian top-hat follow the + Bever?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HIS FIRST ACHE.</h3>"OH, MAMMY! I'VE GOT SUCH A PAIN IN + FRONT OF ME!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BEFORE BISLEY.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Office of the</i> Commanding + Commander-in-Chief. The C.C.-in-Chief <i>discovered. To him + enter</i> H.R.H. GEORGE RANGER.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> You sent for me, <i>Mr. Punch</i>. I beg + pardon, I should say, your Excellency?</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> (<i>severely</i>). Be careful, Sir, and + remember in whose presence you are! I believe about a month ago + you asked for subscriptions in aid of the National Rifle + Association?</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i>. Yes, <i>Mr. P</i>.—I should say, + your Excellency.</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in C.</i> And I presume the N.R.A. have been put to + very great expense in changing from Wimbledon to Bisley?</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> Yes, I am sorry to say + so,—personally sorry. Although the bullets may have + played the mischief with the adjoining property, still I + think—</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> (<i>severely</i>). We are not discussing + Wimbledon now, Sir. Am I right in assuming that the reason + funds were requested was to put Bisley in a proper condition + for the reception of the Volunteers?</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> Of course. I am sure I am the best friend + of the Volunteers, and—</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). How comes it then + that when the Volunteers (whose own ranges are being closed all + round London) ask for permission to shoot at Bisley, they are + told that they may not have it, because "the range is required + for the regular troops."</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> Well, as Commander-in-Chief, of course I + must consider the Army, and as—</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> President of the N.R.A., you should + consider the Volunteers—but you don't! Now see here, if I + hear any more of this sort of thing, I tell you frankly + that—</p> + + <p><i>[Scene closes in, as the threat is too terrible for + publication]</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + + <h4>QUALIFIED RECOMMENDATION.</h4> + + <p>"<i>A. Nobleman wishes particularly to recommend his + Coachman, who is leaving his service, solely owing to domestic + changes</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Having been detected falsifying his + stable accounts, and threatened in consequence with + prosecution, he retaliates by a menace to disclose certain + unpleasant family secrets, picked up in the servants' hall, to + a Society journal.</p> + + <h4>TRADE EMBELLISHMENTS.</h4> + + <p>"<i>If applied but once gently with the palm of the hand, it + will afford the sufferer delightful and instantaneous + relief</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, It at once removes the skin, and if + rubbed in with vigour will flay a horse.</p> + + <h4>PLATFORMULARS.</h4> + + <p>"<i>I feel that I have already trespassed upon your + patience, and detained you an unconscionable time</i>;" + <i>i.e.</i>, "Your attention seems flagging. I want a moment or + two for reflection, and a cue to go on again."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE RACK OF THE RATE-PAYER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Victim of "Quinquennial Valuation."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Parochial Authorities have a way of their own in + interpreting Acts of Parliament, and a very peculiar way + indeed of dealing with the Valuation Act.... Overseers go + their own way, and interpret the Act according to their + knowledge and experience; and in many cases experience is + lacking, and knowledge an altogether unknown quantity.... + When dealing with leasehold property, overseers positively + revel in the most delightful caprice. The leaseholder's + property is dealt with kindly or the reverse, just as it is + in this or that parish."—<i>James's Gazette</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tennyson talks of "gay quinquenniads." Yes,</p> + + <p class="i2">But he would mention them with less + elation</p> + + <p>If he had my experience, I guess,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the <i>not</i> gay Quinquennial + Valuation!</p> + + <p>I am not now so young as once I was,</p> + + <p class="i2">I have arrived at the Golosh and Gamp + Age,</p> + + <p>I am not equal to contend—that's + poz—</p> + + <p class="i2">With the Parochial Fathers on the + rampage.</p> + + <p>Ah me, these Vestry vultures on the pounce!</p> + + <p class="i2">They scare me, skin me, bully me, and + bilk me.</p> + + <p>Soon of my flesh they'll scarce have left an + ounce,</p> + + <p class="i2">They so persistently maul, mulct, and + milk me.</p> + + <p>Once in five years they send me papers blue,</p> + + <p class="i2">And papers white, and likewise papers + yellow;</p> + + <p>They "want to know, you know," indeed they do.</p> + + <p class="i2">First the "First Clerk," a devil of a + fellow!</p> + + <p>Challenges me to up and tell him all</p> + + <p class="i2">About gross value, also value + rateable.</p> + + <p>It's all pure fudge. I am their helpless thrall,</p> + + <p class="i2">To an extent in civil speech + unstateable.</p> + + <p>They will not take <i>my</i> word. If I appeal,</p> + + <p class="i2">They hale me up before a stern + Committee,</p> + + <p>Fellows with brazen faces, hearts of steel,</p> + + <p class="i2">And destitute of manners as of pity.</p> + + <p>My solemn statement, or my mild demur,</p> + + <p class="i2">To them a subject of fierce scorn and + scoff is;</p> + + <p>An honest citizen feels but a cur</p> + + <p class="i2">When snapped and snarled at by these + Jacks-in-Office.</p> + + <p>They're sure to have the pull of me somehow;</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh! I've read "Handbooks." I've attended + Meetings</p> + + <p>Where angry ratepayers raise fruitless row;</p> + + <p class="i2">But, bless you, these bold roarings turn + to bleatings,</p> + + <p>When they the cruel inquisition face</p> + + <p class="i2">Of some austere Committee of + Assessment.</p> + + <p>Until I found myself in that dread place</p> + + <p class="i2">I never knew what fogged and foiled + distress meant.</p> + + <p>Between them and my Landlord I've no peace.</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm honest, but they treat me as "a wrong + one."</p> + + <p>I'm a Shopkeeper, holding a short lease</p> + + <p class="i2">(My Landlord takes good care it's not a + long one).</p> + + <p>Once in seven years the Landlord lifts my Rent,</p> + + <p class="i2">And once in five my Rates the Assessor + raises,</p> + + <p>Values, Gross, Rateable, so much per cent.?</p> + + <p class="i2">Bah! the attempt to fathom them but + crazes!</p> + + <p>The only regular rule is—Up! Up! Up!</p> + + <p class="i2">And any protest only brings upon you</p> + + <p>Your Landlord's wrath, and cheek from some sleek + pup,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who bullies you; and laughs when he has + done you.</p> + + <p>"Pay and look pleasant," is the official rule,</p> + + <p class="i2">And as to wife and child, and food and + raiment,</p> + + <p>You <i>may</i> attend to them, poor drudging + fool!</p> + + <p class="i2">When of your Rent and Rates you've made + full payment.</p> + + <p>Yes, Rent and Rates! they are the modern gods,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Moloch's tyranny was not more + cruel.</p> + + <p>With Landlord or with Vestry get at odds,</p> + + <p class="i2">And you're gone coon; they'll soon give + you your gruel.</p> + + <p>Just now Vestrydom's victims are a-howl</p> + + <p class="i2">With rage at skinning; but their + indignation</p> + + <p>Will fade, and they will feed the Official Ghoul</p> + + <p class="i2">Until the next Quinquennial + Valuation.</p> + + <p>And then—well, Lord knows what may happen + <i>then</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Unless—unless—and that is + most improbable—</p> + + <p>Ratepayers rise <i>together</i>—show they're + men,</p> + + <p class="i2">And not mere sheep gregarious, + warm-fleeced, robbable.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the Vestry Vultures gorge their fill,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I am warned—by + friends—"<i>Don't put their backs up!</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Their</i> backs! And we sing "<i>Rule + Britannia</i>" still!!</p> + + <p class="i2">Will <i>no one</i> chaw these fine + official Jacks up?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <h2>THE KREUTZER SONATA.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">One <i>Pozdnisheff</i> by name</p> + + <p class="i4">Played the matrimonial game;</p> + + <p class="i4">Pleased by a little curl,</p> + + <p class="i4">Which round his heart did twirl,</p> + + <p class="i4">And taken by a jersey</p> + + <p class="i4">(Exported from the Mersey);</p> + + <p class="i4">He felt, poor man, half-witted</p> + + <p class="i4">When he saw how well it fitted!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The mother, with her jersey-clad young daughter,</p> + + <p>Asked the lover to a party on the water.</p> + + <p class="i4">Soft things he now could say</p> + + <p class="i4">To the maiden all the way,</p> + + <p>Till she caught him—who imagined he had caught + her!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Now there came a young musician, + <i>Troukachevsky</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who, at Petersburg, resided on the + Nevsky;</p> + + <p class="i2">And to play with him the flighty wife was + fated</p> + + <p class="i2">In the famed duet to KREUTZEE + dedicated.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">The husband who perceived things were not + right,</p> + + <p class="i2">Home suddenly returned at dead of + night.</p> + + <p class="i4">His boots he'd taken off;</p> + + <p class="i4">He was careful not to cough;</p> + + <p class="i4">And his plans so well were woven,</p> + + <p class="i4">That they still performed Beethoven.</p> + + <p class="i4">But, neither being deaf,</p> + + <p class="i4">They at last heard + <i>Pozdnisheff</i>.</p> + + <p class="i4">Poor wife! He so affrights her,</p> + + <p class="i4">That she plays no more the + <i>Kreutzer</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">If on each foot he'd had a slipper</p> + + <p class="i4">To Troukachevsky (who was saved)</p> + + <p class="i4">The husband would have p'rhaps + behaved</p> + + <p class="i2">Much in the style of Jack the Ripper.</p> + + <p class="i2">He put to flight the dilettante</p> + + <p class="i2">(Who hadn't finished half the + <i>andante</i>),</p> + + <p class="i2">But feared the servants' mockings</p> + + <p class="i2">Should they see him in his stockings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Racing along the corridor:—</p> + + <p class="i2">Not that he thought it horrid, or</p> + + <p class="i2">Harsh to transfix him with a dagger,</p> + + <p class="i2">(He could not bear the fiddler's + swagger),</p> + + <p class="i2">But felt quite sure so droll a figure</p> + + <p class="i2">Would make his rude domestics + snigger.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">And now his wife cries out for mercy</p> + + <p class="i2">(No more she wears that fetching + jersey);</p> + + <p class="i2">And all in vain she pity claims:</p> + + <p class="i2">The dagger ruthlessly he aims,</p> + + <p class="i2">And through the whale-bone of her + corset</p> + + <p class="i2">Tries unsuccessfully to force it.</p> + + <p class="i2">At last he feels that he's succeeded,</p> + + <p class="i2">A little more than p'rhaps was + needed.</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah, that by taking out the knife</p> + + <p class="i2">He now could bring her back to life!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">'Twas his habit, when he got into a + pet,</p> + + <p class="i2">Invariably to light a cigarette;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, having killed his wife, he never + spoke</p> + + <p class="i2">One word until he'd had a quiet + smoke.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When he saw that it was time, he called a + p'liceman,</p> + + <p>And exclaimed, "Oh, I have broken the Tsar's peace, + man.</p> + + <p>I've killed my wife!—I did it in a + fury—</p> + + <p>But I wish the matter brought before a jury."</p> + + <p>And the jury, after hearing all the case,</p> + + <p>Said, "Not Guilty. We'd have done it in his + place."</p> + + <p>And he lately, in a Russian railway carriage,</p> + + <p>Told Count TOLSTOI all the story of his + marriage.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"The Law of Arms is such."—Mr. Punch greatly regrets + that he was unable to be present at the Annual Inspection of + the Inns of Court Volunteers, when members were requested to + "show every article of equipment and clothing of which they + were in possession." No doubt the exhibition was as interesting + as imposing. It is rumoured that the display of wigs and gowns + (worn in Court) and lawn-tennis blazers (used in the Temple + Gardens) was absolutely magnificent. It is further reported + that the large collection of go-to-meeting hats, frock-coats, + and patent-leather boots extorted universal admiration from all + beholders. To his sorrow, a prior engagement prevented Mr. A. + BRIEFLESS Junior, (who is an Hon. Member of the Corps), from + putting in an appearance.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/3.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE PROPOSED NATIONAL GALLERY OF BRITISH ART IN + DANGER.</h3><i>Mr. Henry Tate</i>. "NO, THANK YOU, MR. RED + TAPE, I DON'T WANT MY GIFTS TO THE NATION TO BE TIED UP BY + <i>YOU</i>, THEN PACKED AWAY, AND NEVER SEEN AGAIN!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WHAT IT WILL COME TO;</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE COURT, THE CHASE, AND THE CURSE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS used some strong language + yesterday in reference to the small room in which he was + called upon to administer Justice while the Worship Street + Police Court is being renovated."—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A small apartment in a Metropolitan + Police Court</i>. Presiding Magistrate <i>and</i> Clerk + <i>discovered</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Presiding Magistrate</i>. There! You and I can sit here, + and the rest can remain outside. And now I will take the night + charges.</p> + + <p><i>Voice from Passage</i> (<i>without</i>). Please, your + worship, as I was on duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>putting his head in</i>). Sorry to + trouble you, Sir, but we have got something to do to the + flooring. Must ask you to be off.</p> + + <p><i>P.M.</i> (<i>restraining his indignation</i>). Very well; + the Court is adjourned to the back garden. (<i>Scene changes to + that locality.</i>) Come, this is better! Fresh air, in spite + of the smuts! And now, Constable, go on with your evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Police Constable</i>. Well, your Worship, as I was on + duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>entering</i>). Very sorry to trouble you + again, Sir, but there's something wrong with the drains. We + think the pipes are out of order, and so we shall have to dig + them up. So, if you don't mind moving—</p> + + <p><i>P.M.</i> (<i>restraining his indignation</i>). Very well; + the Court is adjourned to the coal-cellar. (<i>Scene changes to + that locality.</i>) Come, this is not so bad! Very cool, if + rather damp. And now, Constable, go on with your evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Police Constable</i>. Well, your Worship, as I was on + duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Coalheaver</i> (<i>speaking through hole in roof</i>). + Sorry to disturb you, gents, but as me and my mates are going + to put some coals in this here cellar, I thought it good + manners to tell you all to clear out.</p> + + <p><i>P.M.</i> (<i>restraining his indignation</i>). The Court + is adjourned to the housetop. (<i>Scene changes to that + locality.</i>) Come, this is not so bad! Nice breeze up here. A + little difficult to sit upon a sloping roof, perhaps; but one + gets accustomed to everything. And now, Constable, go on with + your evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Police Constable</i>. Well, your Worship, as I was on + duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Sweep</i> (<i>entering</i>). Sorry to disturb you, mates, + but I am just agoing to sweep the chimneys; and—</p> + + <p><i>Police Magistrate</i> (<i>unable to restrain his + indignation any longer</i>). Oh—!!!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Curtain hurriedly conceals the strong but + natural exclamation.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/4.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>EXCELSIOR! OR, THE DAY-DREAM OF DRURIOLANUS.</h3> + + <p><i>Elected Sheriff, June 27, he dreams that he is + encountered on his road by the fairy forms of Harry + Nicholls and Herbert Campbell.</i></p> + + <p><i>Voices of Fairy Forms</i>. "ALL HAIL, DRURIOLANUS! + SHERIFF THOU ART, AND SHALT BE MAYOR HEREAFTER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT THE MILITARY TOURNAMENT.</h3> + + <h4>SCENE—<i>The Agricultural Hall. Tent-pegging going + on</i>.</h4> + + <p><i>Stentorian Judge</i> (<i>in Arena</i>). Corporal BINKS! + (<i>The Assistants give a finishing blow to the peg, and fall + back</i>. Corporal BINKS <i>gallops in, misses the peg, and + rides off, relieving his feelings by whirling his lance + defiantly in the air</i>.) Corporal BINKS—nothing!</p> + + <p><i>A Gushing Lady</i>. Poor dear thing! I <i>do</i> wish + he'd struck it! he did look so disappointed, and so did that + sweet horse!</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i>. Serjeant SPANKER! (Sergeant S. <i>gallops + in, spears the peg neatly, and carries it off triumphantly on + the point of the lance, after which he rides back and returns + the peg to the Assistants as a piece of valuable property of + which he has accidentally deprived them</i>) Sergeant + SPANKER—eight! (<i>Applause; the Assistants drive in + another peg.</i>) Corporal CUTLASH! (Corporal C. <i>enters, + strikes the peg, and dislodges without securing it. Immense + applause from the Crowd</i>.) Corporal CUTLASH—two!</p> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i>. Only two, and when he really did + hit the peg! I do call that a shame. I should have given him + more marks than the other man—he has such a <i>much</i> + nicer face!</p> + + <p><i>A Child with a Thirst for Information</i>. Uncle, why do + they call it <i>tent</i>-pegging?</p> + + <p><i>The Uncle</i>. Why? Well, because those pegs are what + they fasten down tents with.</p> + + <p><i>The Child</i>. But why isn't there a tent now?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. Because there's no use for one.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. Why?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. Because all they want to do is to pick up the + peg with the point of their lance.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. Yes, but why <i>should</i> they want to do + it?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. Oh, to amuse their horses. (<i>The</i> Child + <i>ponders upon this answer with a view to a fresh catechism + upon the equine passion for entertainment, and the + desirability, or otherwise, of gratifying it</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>A Chatty Man in the Promenade</i> (<i>to his</i> + Neighbour). Takes a deal of practice to strike them pegs fair + and full.</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i> (<i>who holds advanced Socialistic + opinions</i>). Ah, I dessay—and a pity they can't make no + better use o' their time! Spoiling good wood, <i>I</i> call it. + I don't see no point in it myself.</p> + + <p><i>The Chatty Man</i>. Well, it shows they can <i>ride</i>, + at any rate.</p> + + <p><i>The Socialist</i>. Ride? O' course they can + <i>ride</i>—we pay enough for 'aving 'em taught, don't + we? But you mark my words, the People won't put up with this + state of things much longer—keepin' a set of 'ired + murderers in luxury and hidleness. I tell yer, wherever I come + across one of these great lanky louts strutting about in his + red coat, as if he was one of the lords of the hearth, + well—it makes my nose bleed, ah—it <i>does</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Chatty Man</i>. If that's the way you talk to him, I + ain't surprised if it do.</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i>. Sword <i>versus</i> Sword! Come in, there! + (<i>Two mounted Combatants, in leather jerkins and black + visors, armed with sword-sticks, enter the ring</i>; Judge + <i>introduces them to audience with the aid of a flag</i>.) + Corporal JONES, of the Wessex Yeomanry; Sergeant SMITH, of the + Manx Mounted Infantry. (<i>Their swords are chalked by the + Assistants</i>.) Are you ready? Left turn! Countermarch! + Engage! (<i>The Combatants wheel round and face one another, + each vigorously spurring his horse and prodding cautiously at + the other; the two horses seem determined not to be drawn into + the affair themselves on any account, and take no personal + interest in the conflict; the umpires skip and dodge at the + rear of the horses, until one of the Combatants gets in with a + rattling blow on the other's head, to the intense delight of + audience. Both men are brushed down, and their weapons + re-chalked, whereupon they engage once more</i>—<i>much + to the disgust of their horses, who had evidently been hoping + it was all over. After the contest is finally decided, a second + pair of Combatants enter; one is mounted on a black horse, the + other on a chestnut, who refuses to lend himself to the + business on any terms, and bolts on principle; while the rider + of the black horse remains in stationary meditation</i>.) Go + on—that black horse—go on! (<i>The chestnut is at + length brought up to the scratch snorting, but again flinches, + and retires with his rider</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>The Crowd</i> (<i>to rider of black horse</i>). Go on, + now's your chance! 'It him! (<i>The recipient of these counsels + pursues his antagonist, and belabours him and his horse with + impartial good-will until separated by the Umpires, who examine + the chalk-marks with a professional scrutiny.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i>. Here, you on the black horse, you mustn't + hit that other horse about the head. (<i>The man addressed + appears rebuked and surprised under his black-wired visor</i>; + The Judge, <i>reassuringly</i>.) It's all <i>right</i>, you + know; only, don't do it again, that's all! (<i>The Combatant + sits up again.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i>. Oh, I can't bear to look on, + really. I'm <i>sure</i> they oughtn't to hit so + hard—<i>how</i> their poor dear heads must ache! Isn't + that chestnut a <i>duck</i>? I'm sure he's trying to save his + master from getting hurt—they're such sensible creatures, + horses are! (<i>Artillery teams drive in, and gallop between + the posts; the Crowd going frantic with delight when the posts + remain upright, and roaring with laughter when one is knocked + over</i>.)</p> + + <h4>DURING THE MUSICAL RIDE.</h4> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i>. Oh, they're simply too + <i>sweet</i>! how those horses are enjoying it—aren't + they pets? and how perfectly they keep step to the music, don't + they?</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i> (<i>who is beginning to get a trifle tired + by her enthusiasm</i>). Yes; but then they're all trained by + Madame KATTI LANNER, of Drury Lane, you see.</p> + + <p><i>The G.L.</i> What pains she must have taken with them; + but you can teach a horse <i>anything</i>, can't you?</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i>. Oh, that's nothing; next year they're + going to have a horse who'll dance the Highland Fling.</p> + + <p><i>The Socialist</i>. A pretty sight? Cost a pretty sight o' + the People's money, I know that. Tomfoolery, that's what it is; + a set of dressed-up bullies dancin' quadrilles on 'orseback; + <i>that</i> ain't military manoeuvrin'. It's sickenin' the way + fools applaud such goins on. And cuttin off the Saracen's 'ed, + too; I'd call it plucky if the Saracen 'ad a gun in his 'and. + Bah, I ate the ole business!</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i>. Got anybody along with you, Mate?</p> + + <p><i>The Socialist</i>. No, I don't want anybody along with + <i>me</i>, I don't.</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i>. That's a pity, that is. A + sweet-tempered, pleasant-spoken party like you are oughtn't to + go about by yourself. You ought to bring somebody just to enjoy + your conversation. There don't seem to be anybody '<i>ere</i> + of your way of thinkin'.</p> + + <h4>DURING THE COMBINED DISPLAY.</h4> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i> (<i>as the Cyclist Corps enter</i>). + Oh, they've got a <i>dog</i> with them. Do look—such a + dear! See, they've tied a letter round his neck. He'll come + back with an answer presently. (<i>But, there being apparently + no answer to this communication, the faithful but prudent + animal does not re-appear</i>.)</p> + + <h4>AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.</h4> + + <p><i>The Inquisitive Child</i>. Uncle, which side won?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. I suppose the side that advanced across the + bridges.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. Which side <i>would</i> have won if it had + been a <i>real</i> battle?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. I really couldn't undertake to say, my + boy.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. But which do you <i>think</i> would have + won?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. I suppose the side that fought best.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. But which side was <i>that</i>? (<i>The</i> + Uncle <i>begins to find that the society of an intelligent</i> + Nephew <i>entails too severe a mental strain to be frequently + cultivated.</i>)</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> + + <h2>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday 23</i>.—Operatic world all agog to hear, and + to see, <i>Le Prophète</i>. First appearance for many + years. Great things expected of JEAN DE RESZKÉ as + <i>Jean of Leyden</i>, and Mlle. RICHARD as <i>Fides</i>. Great + expectations not disappointed. Scene in Cathedral magnificent + as a spectacle. But scene in Cathedral between JEAN and his + unhappy mother still grander as acting. <i>Le + Prophète</i> is remarkable too, as being an Opera + without Mlle. BAUERMEISTER in it. Skating scene, with a nice + ballet, rather a frost. "Not sufficient go in it," observes + veteran Opera-goer, with book in his hand, dated eighteen + hundred and sixty something, containing a cast of characters + which, he says, though he doesn't show me the book, comprises + the names of MARIO, GRISI, VIARDOT-GARCIA, and HERR FORMES. A + more veterany veteran tells me that GRISI and VIARDOT never + played together in this, but that GRISI succeeded VIARDOT as + <i>Fides</i>.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/5-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-1.png" + alt="" /></a>MONDAY, JUNE 23.<br /> + Jean de Reszké as Jean of Leyden. Jeanne The Risky + as Sarah d'Arc. + </div> + + <p>Even the veteran is pleased, and acknowledges that thirty + years ago they couldn't have done it as they do now, barring + the skating scene, where, he insists upon it, the original "go" + is wanting. The fact is, we have long passed the days when + "rinking" was a novelty on the stage or off it. But what a + jolly lot these Anabaptists were! They enjoyed themselves with + their dancing-girls and their picnicking on the ice. Substitute + General BOOTH for <i>Jean of Leyden</i>, and the tambourine + girls for PALLADINO and the ballet, and then you have a modern + version of <i>Le Prophète</i>.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/5-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-2.png" + alt="" /></a> Mlle. Richard as Fides,—not Boney + Fides. + </div> + + <p>Delightful to see M. MIRANDA as one of the three + Anabaptists, <i>Mathisen</i> (a good name in the city, with + only a letter changed), striking a sixteenth century flint, for + the purpose of lighting a candle, but, failing in the attempt, + compelled to destroy sixteenth-century illusion, and employ, in + a sneaking kind of way, the nineteenth-century match, which + strikes only on its own box. Mlle. NUOVINA, not so good here as + in the part of <i>Marguerite</i>, but there is very little for + a soprano to do. JEAN reckless in the final drinking song.</p> + + <p>The voice of DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS is heard at the wings. + The stage-manager's assistant is evidently nervous, and the + curtain, after once going up a little way and coming down + again, ascends suddenly, in spite of adjuration of DRURIOLANUS + to "Wait! wait!" No hitch, and in another moment DRURIOLANUS, + calm, but with suppressed emotion, is watching the scene from + the front.</p> + + <p>"Ah," he murmurs to himself, "if I could only get Guildhall + to do what I like in on that Ninth, of November when I shall be + Lord Mayor. I'd soon show 'em what's what. I'd have a + coronation, or investiture, scene to which this should be mere + child's play."</p> + + <p>EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ excellent as + <i>Zacharias</i>—a, name chiefly associated with one of + Lieutenant COLE'S characters, a Mawworm who looks over the + screen; and M. MONTARIOL good as a lighter-hearted Anabaptist. + A memorable revival.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—<i>Les Huguenots</i>. Return of Mlle. + BAUERMEISTER after one night's absence. + <i>Wednesday.—Carmen</i>, as before.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—<i>Rigoletto</i>. Fine house to hear + this Opera. <i>Le Prince s'amuse</i>. The Princess also. Mlle. + MELBA excellent; should be known as "Her Grace." M. LASSALLE, + not ideal Jester, physically, but, vocally, never was + <i>Rigoletto</i> better. Signor VALERO a good Ducal tenor: he + scores a treble—(a thing to be done in whist and + music)—<i>i.e.</i>, treble <i>encore</i> for "<i>La Donna + è Mobile</i>." Madame SCALCHI, of course, good as usual, + and Signor MIRANDA (why not FERDINAND MIRANDA, and be + thoroughly Shakspearian at once?) energetic as + <i>Monterone</i>. FERDINAND MIRANDA always conscientious actor. + Not last, but quite the least, comes Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER, + as <i>Giovanna</i>, without whom no Opera at Covent Garden can + be considered as really complete. This is the only defect + on</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>, in <i>Le Prophète</i>, which is + given again and again—no part for Mlle. + BAUERMEISTERSINGER. Every place in the House taken. Profit here + and Loss for those who can't get seats to hear it. Great + excitement to know whether DRURIOLANUS is elected Sheriff or + not. Early in the evening contradictory rumours in Lobby. At + last the numbers are up. DRURIOLANUS elected. Uncommonly well + he will look in his robes of office. DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS + COUNTI-COUNCILARIUS SHERIFFUS! All hail!</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Cannot be present. Have telegraphed + to DRURIOLANUS,—"Dear Sheriff, cannot come; but don't + close House; let Opera go on as usual." I believe it did.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SARAH JEANNE AT HIS MAYERJESTY'S.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/5-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-3.png" + alt="" /></a>Sarah Jeanne explains symbolically to + rude English soldier that he must "hook it." + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/5-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-4.png" + alt="" /></a>Back View of New Sarah Jeanne overcoat + for race meetings. + </div> + + <p>SARAH JEANNE of Arc. SARAH wrapt up in the visionary + creation is comparatively lost in the part; that is, until she + comes out magnificently in the last scene but one. Otherwise, + except to look the Martyr, and to languish, nothing much for + SARAH to do. Cathedral scene here rivals that at Covent Garden. + SARAH wins and thrills the audience: her voice soothes them in + their most ruffled humour, even after the audience has been + kept waiting nearly twenty-five minutes between the Acts. + Everyone disappointed that the funeral pile does not catch + fire, and that the Curtain does not descend on a sensational + scene, for which Captain SHAW and his Merry Men would have to + be in attendance. The cast good all round, but it's more of an + Opera, or a religious play, than a Melodrama. GOUNOD'S music + not particularly striking, and the March sounds familiar. SARAH + JEANNE holds the audience spell-bound to the end, rather by + what she doesn't than by what she does, except in the great + scene already mentioned. <i>Jeanne d'Arc</i> is to run on till + further notice, and then Madame SARAH will appear in some of + her well-known parts, and take a temporary farewell of the + British Public. To those who have hitherto neglected + opportunities of seeing SARAH JEANNE let this notice be a + warning, and let them in their thousands hurry up to His + Mayerjesty's.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"CAN WORMS SEE?"—<i>Vide St. James's Gazette</i> and + <i>Field</i>. Correspondent says worms do not shrink from + candle-light, but immediately withdraw under the glare of a + bull's-eye lantern. Evidently for exact information, "Ask a + Policeman." Also consult Baron DE WORMS. He sees his way about + well enough.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/6.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A PRACTICAL MEMENTO.</h3> + + <p><i>Sir James</i>. "AND WERE YOU IN ROME?"</p> + + <p><i>American Lady</i>. "I GUESS NOT." (<i>To her + Daughter</i>.) "SAY, BELLA, DID WE VISIT ROME?"</p> + + <p><i>Fair Daughter</i>. "WHY, MA, CERT'NLY! DON'T YOU + REMEMBER? IT WAS IN ROME WE BOUGHT THE LISLE-THREAD + STOCKINGS!"</p> + + <p>[<i>American Lady is convinced</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"IN TROUBLE."</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Three Men in a Boat!" And you don't often see</p> + + <p class="i2">Pair oars and their cox. in a nastier + fix.</p> + + <p>They started all right, did this nautical Three,</p> + + <p class="i2">But they've managed to get in no end of a + mix.</p> + + <p>That Steersman, he thought a good deal of his + Stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And there seemed scarce a steadier + oarsman than Bow,</p> + + <p>But they must have got "skylarking." Ah! it's no + joke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the question is what are they going + to do now?</p> + + <p>For danger's a-head, and 'twill tax all their + skill</p> + + <p>To avoid a capsize and a horrible spill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What can they be up to? a gazer might say,</p> + + <p class="i2">As he watched their eccentric career from + the banks.</p> + + <p>Three 'ARRIES at large on a Bank Holiday</p> + + <p class="i2">Could hardly indulge in more blundering + pranks.</p> + + <p>Stroke "catches a crab" in the clumsiest style,</p> + + <p class="i2">(And they called him a fine finished + oarsman, this chap!)</p> + + <p>At his "Catherine-wheeler" a Cockney might + smile,</p> + + <p class="i2">As he tumbles so helplessly back in Bow's + lap.</p> + + <p>And Bow!—well, he's snapped off the blade of + his scull,</p> + + <p>And poor Cox's steering-gear's all "in a mull."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's all that Stroke's fault—so the whisper + goes round.</p> + + <p class="i2">He <i>would</i> try new dodges, + uncalled-for, unproved,</p> + + <p>They were "going great guns," when he suddenly + found</p> + + <p class="i2">That, to make himself Champion (and get + himself loved</p> + + <p>By the river-side "Bungs" and their large + <i>clientèle</i>),</p> + + <p class="i2">He must—set a new stroke in the + midst of a spin—</p> + + <p>A policy plainly predestined to fail,</p> + + <p class="i2">And one, we must own, scarce deserving to + win.</p> + + <p>And so he has smashed up a shining success,</p> + + <p>And got himself into a deuce of a mess.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So various voices! And this was the oar</p> + + <p class="i2">They triumphantly won from a great rival + crew;</p> + + <p>The cool-headed, steady-nerved Stroke, bound to + score;</p> + + <p class="i2">The fellow who funking or failure ne'er + knew.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> hurry, or falter, catch crabs, miss, or + muff?</p> + + <p class="i2">No, no; lesser men might—say, + GL-DST-NE or SM-TH—</p> + + <p>But <i>he</i> was not made of such common-place + stuff,</p> + + <p class="i2">His nerve was all steel, and his muscle + all pith.</p> + + <p>And now he's adrift amidst snags, stumps, and + rooks,</p> + + <p>And the Coxswain has just lost his rudder—poor + Cox.!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And danger's ahead, and the full of the weir</p> + + <p class="i2">Sounds close, as that Stroke tumbles + "head over tip."</p> + + <p>No wonder poor Bow, his oar bladeless, looks + queer.</p> + + <p class="i2">No wonder the Steersman his yoke-lines + lets slip.</p> + + <p>The Three are "In Trouble," of that there's no + doubt;</p> + + <p class="i2">Stroke mutters, "Obstruction!" Bow talks + of "a foul."</p> + + <p>But when you have muffed it, and foes are about,</p> + + <p class="i2">It isn't much use at bad fortune to + growl.</p> + + <p>No; Stroke, Bow, and Coxswain must "go it like + bricks,"</p> + + <p>If they mean to get out of this troublesome fix.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ERRATUM.—<i>Mr. Punch</i> last week paid the Notts' + Cricketer, GUNN, a well-deserved compliment on his great + innings of 228 against the Australians. He <i>intended</i> to + represent him as piling-up that huge score "against the best + bowling." The obviously accidental substitution of the word + "batting" for "bowling" here, caused "the Nottingham Giant" to + be credited with a novel cricketing performance, to which even + <i>he</i> would hardly be equal. The proverbial Irish gun that + could "shoot round a corner," would not be "in it" with a GUNN + who could "bat against batting!" As a Correspondent (in + slightly different words) suggests:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"When a Champion Batsman's performance + extolling,</p> + + <p>'Tis well to distinguish, 'twixt batting and + bowling!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.—According to <i>Mr. Punch's</i> + sharp contemporary, the <i>Lancet</i>, the effect of + bagpipe-playing upon the teeth is to blunt them; in fact, in + course of time, to wear them away. To the auditor the music has + a contrary effect. <i>Mr. Punch</i> is able to say, from + experience, that he has never listened to the National + instrument of Grand Old Scotland without having his teeth set + on edge.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/7.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"IN TROUBLE."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/9.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/9.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HINTS FOR THE PARK.</h3>WHY NOT HAVE SOMETHING OF THIS + SORT? IT WOULD AT LEAST MAKE THINGS LESS MONOTONOUS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TOUTING FOR TOURISTS.</h2> + + <h3>TO THE EDITOR</h3> + + <h4><i>Of any Paper that inserts Gratuitous + Advertisements.</i></h4> + + <p>SIR,—Kindly contradict the rumour, which I find is + widely spread and appears to be credited in some quarters, that + an extensive sewage farm has been established in front of the + most fashionable terrace in Slushborough-on-Sea, and that a + Smallpox Hospital is about to be built upon the Pier. + "Salubrious Slushborough" still continues (in spite of the + machinations of jealous Northbourne) to be the most select, + popular, and healthy resort on the British coasts.</p> + + <p>Yours disinterestedly, THE MAYOR OF SLUSHBOROUGH.</p> + + <p>SIR,—A report (proceeding, I have reason, to believe, + from ill-conditioned residents at Slushborough) is being + disseminated to the effect, that the water-supply of + Northbourne is largely tainted with typhus and diphtheria + germs, and that an epidemic is already ravaging this place. As + a matter of fact, the only case of illness of any kind in this + town at present is a patient brought over from Slushborough in + the last stage of blood-poisoning, owing to the defective + drainage system there, and who, in this salubrious and + invigorating atmosphere, is now rapidly recovering.</p> + + <p>I remain, Yours &c., THE MAYOR OF NORTHBOURNE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—In view of the correspondence with regard to the + present condition of our popular seaside resorts, it will, I + feel sure, interest your readers to learn that an examination + of the air of Whitecliffe lately made by a local analyst, + reveals the fact that it contains <i>fifty-five per cent. more + ozone than is to be found on the top of Mont Blanc!</i> I + publish this piece of intelligence purely in the interests of + science, and as I am writing I may perhaps take the opportunity + to mention that apartments here are both good and reasonable, + and the bathing first-rate. The same analyst incidentally + discovered that the air at Chorkstone is largely laden with + poisonous bacteria.</p> + + <p>Yours truly, THE MAYOR OF WHITECLIFFE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—At this time of year, when our glorious Lees are + in the full radiance of their summer beauty, it becomes a mere + act of Christian duty to warn intending holiday-makers to avoid + Whitecliffe, and to select Chorkstone as their place of sojourn + instead. An eminent local medical man asserts that morbiferous + germs exist to a very dangerous degree in the Whitecliffe + atmosphere, and that the Whitecliffe water is rendered almost + solid by the multitude of bacilli it contains. Another + Chorkstone resident, who lately visited Whitecliffe, found the + air so relaxing that he fainted away, and had it not been for + the kindness of the landlord of a certain hotel, who had him + carried out of his bar and driven off in a trap to his own + home, he believes he would have succumbed! Comment is + needless.</p> + + <p>Yours impartially, THE MAYOR OF CHORKSTONE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—There is not the slightest foundation for the + ridiculous <i>canard</i> as to the inhabitants of this + picturesque and abnormally fashionable town being "in a state + of complete panic, owing to the fact that all the convicts + recently confined at Shortland have broken out, and are + indulging in frightful excesses in the neighbourhood." The + convicts have <i>not</i> broken out; but an epidemic of + gratuitous mendacity has done so, it appears.</p> + + <p>Yours indignantly, THE MAYOR OF CURDSMOUTH.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Have you heard about the sanitary state of + Shutmouth? Shocking!</p> + + <p>SIR,—As I hear that it is rumoured that M. PASTEUR has + discovered an entirely new and most dangerous kind of bacillus + in the neighbourhood of pine-trees, perhaps I may mention, in + order to reassure our myriads of intending summer visitors, + that the death-rate at this town is one in ten thousand, and + that we should have had <i>no death-rate at all last week</i>, + if the one person referred to had not met with an unfortunate + accident. All the Shutmouth doctors are starving.</p> + + <p>Yours, THE MAYOR OF SHUTMOUTH.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Ought not something to be done to check the + mortality at Curdsmouth? It is disgraceful!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>To the Right Wheel, Barrow!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>CAINE'S action shakes the Unionists' dominion;</p> + + <p class="i2">Against it piteous appeals seem vain;</p> + + <p>But 'tis, in his late colleagues' pained + opinion,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Not</i> "the nice conduct of a clouded + CAINE!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <h2>"THE SEA! THE SEA!"</h2> + + <h3>A BUSINESS-LIKE BALLAD.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Penned by Mr. Punch on behalf of "Nobody's + Boys."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"We propose soon to take our rescued Street-Arabs for 'A + Fortnight's Holiday under Canvas'—<i>by the sea, if + possible."—Appeal of Mr. J.W.C. Fegan, of the Boys' + Home, Southwark</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/10.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Thalatta! Thalatta</i>! Not XENOPHON'S Greeks, O + benevolent Public, but "Nobody's Boys,"</p> + + <p>Wild Arabs of London, by tenderness tamed, at the + sight of the sea vent exuberant joys</p> + + <p>In vociferous shoutings! Imagine the rapture of + wrecks from the gutter and waifs from the slum,</p> + + <p>When first on their ears falls the jubilant thrill + of the sky-soaring lark, or the wild bee's low hum!</p> + + <p>Imagine the pleasure of plunging at will into June's + leafy copses of hazel and lime,</p> + + <p>Of scudding through acres of grasses knee-high, and + of snuffing the fragrance of clover and thyme.</p> + + <p>But what is all this to the dumb-stricken wonder, + swift followed by outbursts of full-throated glee,</p> + + <p>Which fancy can picture, when London's pale outcasts + from some grassy cliff catch first sight of the + Sea!</p> + + <p><i>Thalatta! Thalatta</i>! There's many a lad who + has never before had a glimpse of the wave;</p> + + <p>For these are of those who, from London's dark + wastes 'tis the aim of their leaders to rescue and + save.</p> + + <p>"Nobody's Boys," the lost waifs of the city, + foredoomed, but for aid, to debasement and crime,</p> + + <p>Possible gallows-birds,—they with wan faces + late cleansed from the rookery's hideous grime,</p> + + <p>Snatched from the gutter whilst boyhood bears hope + with it, gathered and tended with vigilant care.</p> + + <p>Servants of soul-thrift their volunteer champions! + Weeds of the slum, with fresh soil and sweet air,</p> + + <p>Grow into grace and fair fruitage. These pariahs, + "Southwark Boys," strays from the slime-sodden + east,</p> + + <p>FEGAN takes forth in gay troops to the meadows, in + freshness of nature to frolic and feast,</p> + + <p>Climb in the woodlands and plunge in the waters, + ramble and scramble through tangle-hedged lanes,</p> + + <p>Fish in the pools with youth's primitive tackle, + breathe quickening vigour through bosoms and + brains.</p> + + <p>Picture the boys "camping out" on the commons, and + gipsying gaily in tents midst the heather,</p> + + <p>Armed with their canvas and blankets and boilers and + pannikins well against hunger and weather.</p> + + <p>Picture them—CALLOT'S free brush might have + managed it—gathered in pow-wow around the + camp-fire,</p> + + <p>Sun-tanned and wind-browned, in picturesque raiment, + with wisp of the wild hop or trail of the briar</p> + + <p>Hat-wreathed or button-holed. BURNS should have sung + of them; trim-skirted Muse, with punctilious + tastes,</p> + + <p>Were not at home with these waifs from the rookery, + pastured at large in free Nature's wild wastes,</p> + + <p>Bounding, and breathing fresh air, romping, + wrestling, and disciplined only to cleanness and + order.</p> + + <p>Otherwise free as the tent-dwelling Arabs, or + outlaws of Sherwood, or bands of the Border.</p> + + <p>Picture it! FEGAN'S pink pamphlet <i>has</i> + pictured it. Read it, all lovers of Nature and + youth,</p> + + <p>All who have care for the wrecks of humanity, all + who are moved by the spirit of ruth.</p> + + <p>Ere Spring returns, far Canadian homesteads will + house their contingents of "Nobody's Boys."</p> + + <p>Let them take with them kind thoughts of Old + England, and memories sweet of its rare rural joys.</p> + + <p>Let them "camp out" once again, by the ocean, and + plunge in the billow, and rove on the sands;</p> + + <p>Know the true British brine-whiff by experience. + Help, British Public, their friends' kindly hands.</p> + + <p>Good is the work, and the fruit of it excellent; + giving poor wastrels a fair start in life,</p> + + <p>Taste of true pleasure, and wholesome enjoyment, aid + in endeavour, and strength for the strife.</p> + + <p>What better use for spare cash at this season? Come + then, <i>Punch</i> readers, right willingly come!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i> knows scarce a cause more + deserving, or worthy of aid, than the Southwark Boys' + Home!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Mem</i>.—Mr. J.W.C. FEGAN, of the Boys' Home, + Southwark, the writer of the pleasant pamphlet entitled + <i>Camping Out</i>, makes appeal towards the expenses of giving + "a fortnight's holiday under canvas—<i>by the sea, if + possible</i>"—to the waifs and strays in Mr. FEGAN'S + Homes. To that gentleman, and NOT to <i>Mr. Punch</i>, + subscriptions should be sent. Remittances may be made to him + (by P.O.O., payable at General Post-Office, or by cheque + crossed "London and County Bank") at the Boys' Home, 95, + Southwark Street, London, S.E.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June 23</i>.—A gleam of + glory in sombre chamber of the Peers; a thin streak of red + making its devious way between the table and the Benches. At + the head comes Black Rod, giving some relief to the glittering + spectacle; Garter King-at-Arms, without whom British + Constitution would be a vain thing, follows. Then the Prince of + WALES, looking a trifle anxious; is bringing out his son and + heir to take his place in the hereditary chamber; anxious that + all should go well. Next the new Duke of CLARENCE, looking very + well in his new Peer's robes, on which his fair mother, seated + with her daughter in side galleries, casts approving glance. + Then the Duke of EDINBURGH, with the stalwart Hereditary Grand + Marshal, Jockey o' Norfolk, and Aveland, Lord Great + Chamberlain.</p> + + <p>Procession strolled in in quite casual way; passed Woolsack + to which HALSBURY lent grace and dignity; New Peer handed his + credentials to LOBD CHANCELLOR; but HALSBURY, above all things, + man of cautious habits. No doubt everything was right and in + order; presence of Prince of WALES guarantee of it; but + HALSBURY not to be taken in. All very well, but all in due + order. So new Peer taken charge of by the Reading Clerk; + Procession moved on to table; documents mumbled over; oath + taken; roll signed. New Peer turned to look at LORD CHANCELLOR; + decidedly more friendly; haughty, forbidding, distrustful look, + vanished from his ordinarily genial countenance. Young Peer + encouraged to venture on friendly nod; LORD CHANCELLOR in + response, lifted three-cornered hat, and on replacing it, was + observed to cock it slightly on one side. Procession now moved + on towards doorway by side of Throne, where was set three + chairs.</p> + + <p>"A little slow isn't it, Sir," said Duke of CLARENCE to + H.R.H.; "suppose we sit down here a bit; Black Rod will go and + fetch us a flagon of Malmsey wine; am told they always keep a + butt on the premises for stray Dukes."</p> + + <p>"No Malmsey for you, CLARENCE," said the Gracious Parent; + "but if you'd like to sit down a moment, you may."</p> + + <p>So new Peer sat in middle chair, Father and Uncle anxiously + regarding him. LORD CHANCELLOR slewed round on Woolsack to see + what was going on behind him. New Peer, making himself quite at + home, put on hat; finding LORD CHANCELLOR staring at him, + uplifted it; LORD CHANCELLOR did same with his. Duke tried + it</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/11.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/11.png" + alt="" /></a><i>From Report of Debate on Hares + Preservation Bill, June 26</i>.—"They (the other + Members of Parliament) could not go out and kill 300 + Dodos,"—but evidently <i>he</i> (Sir W.V. + HARCOURT) could, and here he is—caught in the + act! + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <p>again; LORD CHANCELLOR, comically half turned round on the + Woolsack, followed suit.</p> + + <p>"Do it a third time, CLARENCE," whispered H.R.H., entering + into fun of thing. So the new Peer, always with his eyes + gravely fixed on LORD CHANCELLOR, who, in the excitement of the + moment, had got his left leg cocked over the Woolsack, did it a + third time; LORD CHANCELLOR did the same; Princesses in the + Gallery sweetly smiling; Garter King-at-Arms totting off the + number of salutes; and Black Rod thanking his stars that + presently, when they left the House, he could walk face + forward, not as when he visited the Commons, walking backward + like a crab.</p> + + <p>"I think that'll do," said H.R.H. "HALSBURY is in very + uncomfortable attitude; besides this is a sort of game that + palls after the third round. Go and say good-bye to HALSBURY, + and we'll go and have a cup of tea with your mother."</p> + + <p>Procession reformed; New Peer led up to Woolsack, where LORD + CHANCELLOR, with little gesture of surprise, as if he had only + now caught sight of him for first time, shook hands with him. + Prince of Wales lifted his cap to LORD CHANCELLOR; LORD + CHANCELLOR lifted his cap to Prince of WALES; the other Princes + followed suit; Black Rod toddled off; and the gay and gorgeous + procession disappeared through the doorway, leaving the Chamber + in sudden twilight, as if the sun had dipped below the + horizon.</p> + + <p>An exceedingly friendly meeting all round; quite + contagious.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/12-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-1.png" + alt="" /></a>"Toby, M.P., I presume?" + </div> + + <p>"TOBY, M.P., I presume?" said BROADHURST, as I walked out. + He had been looking on, and had quite caught the graceful + manner of the LORD CHANCELLOR. I raised my hat three times, and + went on to the Commons, where there were wigs on the Green.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Commons, Compensation Clauses + withdrawn.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—TIM HEALY puts final spoke in wheel of + Compensation Bill. Rose after questions on paper disposed of, + and asked for ruling of SPEAKER on an important point affecting + Parliamentary Procedure. TIM'S manner boded ill for the + Government—deferential, low-voiced, with total absence of + self-assertion or aggression, TIM stood, the very model of a + modest young man.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said Prince ARTHUR, "but I hope he's not going to + say anything about Irish business. When he's in this mood, I + prefer he should address himself to my dear friend JOKIM."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/12-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-2.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Right Hon. A. Balfour</i>. "My dearest + Tim, 'for this relief much thanks!'" + </div> + + <p>TIM had anticipated Prince ARTHUR'S wishes. It <i>was</i> + about Compensation Bill that he desired to consult SPEAKER. + JOKIM, as last turn in devious course, had proposed to dodge + difficulty about Compensation by accumulating proceeds of + increased till some indefinite period, when great reform of + Licensing should be introduced. "But," says TIM, almost begging + pardon for interposing, "in Budget Bill it has been + specifically decreed that proceeds of tax should be + appropriated during present Session." Accumulation, TIM urged, + with a vague notion that he was dropping into poetry, is not + Appropriation. SPEAKER agreed with him: consternation on + Treasury Bench; Ministers tried to put bold face on affairs; + could not discuss question now; would do so by-and-by; + confident they could show there was nothing in TIM'S objection. + An hour later, when time came to resume Committee on + Compensation Bill, OLD MORALITY announced that it would be + postponed to give Ministers opportunity to consider point + suggested by TIM. Shout of exultation went up from Opposition + Benches: prolonged fight had been won at last; the obnoxious + Bill was floored, and TIM had done it.</p> + + <p>OLD MORALITY, standing at table in attitude where natural + nobility of character struggled with accidental depression, + said: "Success, Mr. SPEAKER, is a mark no mortal wit of surest + hand can always hit. For whatsoe'er we perpetrate, we do but + row; we are steered by fate, which in success often + disinherits, for spurious causes, noblest merits. Great + occasions, Mr. SPEAKER, are not always true sons of great and + mighty resolutions, nor, I may add, do the boldest attempts + bring forth events still equal to their worth. That may be the + case with us; but at least we shall carry to our homes the + consciousness that we have diligently striven to do our duty to + our QUEEN and our country." General cheering at this little + speech, and scarcely dry eye on Treasury Bench.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Compensation Bill in fresh + difficulties.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Sitting remarkable for two speeches + from ordinarily silent Members. Began and ended proceedings. + First was by WHARTON, on presenting petition signed by over + half a million persons in favour of Compensation Clauses of + Licensing Bill. Petition brought down in three cases by + PICKFORD'S van. Conveniently disposed on floor of House; + occupied the whole space. Perturbation on Treasury Bench at the + report that there was Royal Commission going forward in other + House. Time of the Session when these are frequent. Black Rod + arrives; requests attendance of Members to hear Commission + read. Advances towards table, bowing to chair; retires + backward; SPEAKER follows him. How would it be to-day, with + floor blocked with towering cases? Black Rod an old sailor, + might haul himself up hand-over-hand, and skip across tops of + cases; but never do for the SPEAKER so to scramble out. Hasty + and anxious inquiry made. Turned out to be no Royal Commission + to-day; so new disaster for Ministers avoided.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/12-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-3.png" + alt="" /></a>A Maiden Speech. + </div> + + <p>WHARTON succeeds somehow when presenting Petition in casting + sort of Cathedral Close air over proceedings. Life-long + association with cathedrals and their precincts have invested + him with placid charm of manner: would have made an excellent + Dean; gone off capitally as a Canon; now, as he waves his hand + towards the space lately crowded by the Petition, wears subtle, + indescribable, but unmistakable air, as if he were taking part + in a Confirmation Service.</p> + + <p>The other orator, GRIMSTON, considerably less ecclesiastical + in his manner. Appeared suddenly on scene at midnight: maiden + speech; very effective. "Mr. COURTNEY, Sir," he said, + diffidently hiding his hands in his trousers' pockets, "I claim + the indulgence the House always extends to young Members, in + rising to address it for the first time. I beg to move that the + question be now put," Question put accordingly; debate + Closured, and so home.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Quite a lot. Licensing Clauses + finally dropped; Allotments Bill read Third Time; Barracks Bill + through Committee.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Police in possession of House to-night. + MATTHEWS moved Second Reading of Bill dealing with Force. Quite + unusual consensus of approval, considering it is a Government + Bill. Only for GEORGE CAMPBELL, chorus would have been + unanimous. But GEORGE, looking in from Zanzibar, where he had + called after a brief trip through Jerusalem and Madagascar, + denounced the measure as "thoroughly bad." House thereupon + passed Second Reading without division.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Police Bill read Second + Time.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The Oof Bird" is the Auk, as <i>Cornhill Mag.</i> says its + eggs cost £170 apiece,—of course when fresh. What a + big lark!—Yours, 'ARRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11726 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11726-h/images/1.png b/11726-h/images/1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d5054f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/1.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/10.png b/11726-h/images/10.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf13230 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/10.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/11.png b/11726-h/images/11.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3af5d1a --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/11.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/12-1.png b/11726-h/images/12-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fce18f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/12-1.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/12-2.png b/11726-h/images/12-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..21af272 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/12-2.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/12-3.png b/11726-h/images/12-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b11b0a --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/12-3.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/2.png b/11726-h/images/2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f2547b --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/2.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/3.png b/11726-h/images/3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e32fe0 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/3.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/4.png b/11726-h/images/4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eed1af8 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/4.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/5-1.png b/11726-h/images/5-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5040a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/5-1.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/5-2.png b/11726-h/images/5-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8b29433 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/5-2.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/5-3.png b/11726-h/images/5-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f33bcc --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/5-3.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/5-4.png b/11726-h/images/5-4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a6c1d74 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/5-4.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/6.png b/11726-h/images/6.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8833544 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/6.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/7.png b/11726-h/images/7.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f265b21 --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/7.png diff --git a/11726-h/images/9.png b/11726-h/images/9.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b81b6ce --- /dev/null +++ b/11726-h/images/9.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8a46ba --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11726 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11726) diff --git a/old/11726-8.txt b/old/11726-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e97fd2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1697 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July +5, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 5, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 27, 2004 [eBook #11726] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 99, JULY 5, 1890*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11726-h.htm or 11726-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/2/11726/11726-h/11726-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/2/11726/11726-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 99 + +JULY 5, 1890 + + + + + + +[Illustration: VOL. 99] + + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +We understand that careful observers have noted a considerable amount +of disturbance in the House of Commons during the past three weeks. +Various reasons have, as usual, been advanced to account for this +phenomenon, one eminent politician having gone so far as to hint +darkly at the existence of Cave-men (or Troglodytes), who dwell in +barrows. + + * * * * * + +The weather has been subject to strange variations. The mean +temperature of the isothermal lines, when reduced to fractions of +an infinitesimal value, has been found to correspond exactly to the +elevation of the nap on the hat of a certain sporting Earl. Dividing +that by the number of buttons on a costermonger's waistcoat, and +adding to the quotient the number of aspirates picked up in the Old +Kent Road on a Saturday afternoon, the result has been computed as +equal to the total amount of minutes occupied by a vendor of saveloys +in advertising his wares in the Pall Mall Clubs. + + * * * * * + +Candour is at times inconvenient. A prominent member of a Metropolitan +Vestry was informed two days ago by one of the permanent scavengers +of the district, that he "wasn't worth the price of a second-hand +boot-lace." On inquiring the meaning of this curious phrase, he was +told that "his blooming head would be knocked off for two-pence." +We understand that the Vestryman's vote on a question of salary is +responsible for the indignation of the scavenger, a member of a class +usually noted for their somewhat ceremonious courtesy. + + * * * * * + +Those who propose to travel this year will doubtless be glad to +learn that the Hessian fly has been observed in unusual abundance in +Westphalia. This succulent _morceau_ is now eaten fried, with a sauce +of devilled lentils and oil. + + * * * * * + +It appears, after all, that there is no very definite foundation +for the report that Sir EDWARD WATKIN is said to be disappointed in +the competitive designs sent in for his Tower, because none of them +provide sleeping accommodation for 2000 people on the top storey. Of +course something must have given rise to the rumour, but it is not +easy to say exactly what. One competitor has already, however, it +appears, intimated his readiness to make the required addition, by +hanging his beds over the side of the Tower on "extended poles." The +question is, "Would Sir WATKIN be able to induce his patrons 'to turn +in' under such conditions?" There's the rub. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +STANLEY'S _Darkest Africa_ (SAMPSON LOW) swamps all other books just +now, except, of course, the Other STANLEY book, called _A Light on +the Keep-it-Quite-the-Darkest Africa_ (TRISCHLER & Co.) which follows +closely at its heels. The real STANLEY narrative is most interesting +and exciting; it is a book that will make everyone "sit up"--at night +to read it. The centre of attraction is in the answer to the question, +"How did I find EMIN?" Which is, "Quite well, thank you." + +My faithful "Co." reports that he has been doing his duty nobly as +a novel-reader. He has already devoured Vol. III. of the _Man with +a Secret_. He would attack Vols. I. and II. if he had not had (so he +says) quite enough of the Man _and_ his Secret. _Innocent Victims_ is +written in the temperance interest. "Co." has every sympathy with the +cause of undiluted water, but fears that this "story of London Life +and Labour" may end in drink. He found it himself a little dry, and +was not cheered by the name of the author, HUGH DOWNE, which seemed +to suggest he could not get up again. He is eagerly waiting for more +fiction, as "_Expiation_" by OCTAVE THANET has scarcely satisfied his +craving for the weird and the horrible. In the meanwhile, he has found +a cheerful interlude in _Sanity and Insanity_, a text-book (written in +a popular yet scientific strain) of the maladies of the mind. He says, +that Dr. MERCIER, the author, is to be congratulated on having treated +a rather "jumpy" subject in a manner that can offend no one. "Co." had +no idea up to now, that "t'other was so like unto which." + +All the Magazines for July are in, but the Baron has been unable to +open them, and "Co." has cut them. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES. + +(_AFTER CHARLES KINGSLEY--AT A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE._) + + Dress well, sweet Maid, and let who will be _clever._ + Dance, flirt, and sing! + Don't study all day long. + Or else you'll find, + When other girls get married, + You'll sing a different song! + + * * * * * + +SAD NEWS FROM ETON.--"Bever" is dead. Sorrowing boys followed +the bier. The Bever-age has ceased to exist. What next? Will the +characteristic Etonian top-hat follow the Bever? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS FIRST ACHE. + +"OH, MAMMY! I'VE GOT SUCH A PAIN IN FRONT OF ME!"] + + * * * * * + +BEFORE BISLEY. + + SCENE--_Office of the Commanding Commander-in-Chief. The + C.C.-in-Chief discovered. To him enter H.R.H. GEORGE RANGER._ + +_H.R.H.G.R._ You sent for me, _Mr. Punch_. I beg pardon, I should say, +your Excellency? + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_severely_). Be careful, Sir, and remember in +whose presence you are! I believe about a month ago you asked for +subscriptions in aid of the National Rifle Association? + +_H.R.H.G.R._. Yes, _Mr. P_.--I should say, your Excellency. + +_C.C.-in C._ And I presume the N.R.A. have been put to very great +expense in changing from Wimbledon to Bisley? + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Yes, I am sorry to say so,--personally sorry. Although +the bullets may have played the mischief with the adjoining property, +still I think-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_severely_). We are not discussing Wimbledon now, Sir. +Am I right in assuming that the reason funds were requested was to put +Bisley in a proper condition for the reception of the Volunteers? + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Of course. I am sure I am the best friend of the +Volunteers, and-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_interrupting_). How comes it then that when the +Volunteers (whose own ranges are being closed all round London) ask +for permission to shoot at Bisley, they are told that they may not +have it, because "the range is required for the regular troops." + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Well, as Commander-in-Chief, of course I must consider +the Army, and as-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ President of the N.R.A., you should consider the +Volunteers--but you don't! Now see here, if I hear any more of this +sort of thing, I tell you frankly that-- + +[_Scene closes in, as the threat is too terrible for publication_.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +QUALIFIED RECOMMENDATION. + +"_A. Nobleman wishes particularly to recommend his Coachman, who is +leaving his service, solely owing to domestic changes_;" i.e., Having +been detected falsifying his stable accounts, and threatened in +consequence with prosecution, he retaliates by a menace to disclose +certain unpleasant family secrets, picked up in the servants' hall, +to a Society journal. + +TRADE EMBELLISHMENTS. + +"_If applied but once gently with the palm of the hand, it will afford +the sufferer delightful and instantaneous relief_;" i.e., It at once +removes the skin, and if rubbed in with vigour will flay a horse. + +PLATFORMULARS. + +"_I feel that I have already trespassed upon your patience, and +detained you an unconscionable time_;" i.e., "Your attention seems +flagging. I want a moment or two for reflection, and a cue to go on +again." + + * * * * * + +THE RACK OF THE RATE-PAYER. + +(_BY A VICTIM OF "QUINQUENNIAL VALUATION."_) + + "Parochial Authorities have a way of their own in interpreting + Acts of Parliament, and a very peculiar way indeed of dealing + with the Valuation Act.... Overseers go their own way, and + interpret the Act according to their knowledge and experience; + and in many cases experience is lacking, and knowledge an + altogether unknown quantity.... When dealing with leasehold + property, overseers positively revel in the most delightful + caprice. The leaseholder's property is dealt with kindly or + the reverse, just as it is in this or that parish."--_James's + Gazette_. + + Tennyson talks of "gay quinquenniads." Yes, + But he would mention them with less elation + If he had my experience, I guess, + Of the _not_ gay Quinquennial Valuation! + I am not now so young as once I was, + I have arrived at the Golosh and Gamp Age, + I am not equal to contend--that's poz-- + With the Parochial Fathers on the rampage. + Ah me, these Vestry vultures on the pounce! + They scare me, skin me, bully me, and bilk me. + Soon of my flesh they'll scarce have left an ounce, + They so persistently maul, mulct, and milk me. + Once in five years they send me papers blue, + And papers white, and likewise papers yellow; + They "want to know, you know," indeed they do. + First the "First Clerk," a devil of a fellow! + Challenges me to up and tell him all + About gross value, also value rateable. + It's all pure fudge. I am their helpless thrall, + To an extent in civil speech unstateable. + They will not take _my_ word. If I appeal, + They hale me up before a stern Committee, + Fellows with brazen faces, hearts of steel, + And destitute of manners as of pity. + My solemn statement, or my mild demur, + To them a subject of fierce scorn and scoff is; + An honest citizen feels but a cur + When snapped and snarled at by these Jacks-in-Office. + They're sure to have the pull of me somehow; + Oh! I've read "Handbooks." I've attended Meetings + Where angry ratepayers raise fruitless row; + But, bless you, these bold roarings turn to bleatings, + When they the cruel inquisition face + Of some austere Committee of Assessment. + Until I found myself in that dread place + I never knew what fogged and foiled distress meant. + Between them and my Landlord I've no peace. + I'm honest, but they treat me as "a wrong one." + I'm a Shopkeeper, holding a short lease + (My Landlord takes good care it's not a long one). + Once in seven years the Landlord lifts my Rent, + And once in five my Rates the Assessor raises, + Values, Gross, Rateable, so much per cent.? + Bah! the attempt to fathom them but crazes! + The only regular rule is--Up! Up! Up! + And any protest only brings upon you + Your Landlord's wrath, and cheek from some sleek pup, + Who bullies you; and laughs when he has done you. + "Pay and look pleasant," is the official rule, + And as to wife and child, and food and raiment, + You _may_ attend to them, poor drudging fool! + When of your Rent and Rates you've made full payment. + Yes, Rent and Rates! they are the modern gods, + And Moloch's tyranny was not more cruel. + With Landlord or with Vestry get at odds, + And you're gone coon; they'll soon give you your gruel. + Just now Vestrydom's victims are a-howl + With rage at skinning; but their indignation + Will fade, and they will feed the Official Ghoul + Until the next Quinquennial Valuation. + And then--well, Lord knows what may happen _then_, + Unless--unless--and that is most improbable-- + Ratepayers rise _together_--show they're men, + And not mere sheep gregarious, warm-fleeced, robbable. + Meanwhile the Vestry Vultures gorge their fill, + And I am warned--by friends--"_Don't put their backs up!_" + _Their_ backs! And we sing "_Rule Britannia_" still!! + Will _no one_ chaw these fine official Jacks up? + + * * * * * + +THE KREUTZER SONATA. + + One _Pozdnisheff_ by name + Played the matrimonial game; + Pleased by a little curl, + Which round his heart did twirl, + And taken by a jersey + (Exported from the Mersey); + He felt, poor man, half-witted + When he saw how well it fitted! + + The mother, with her jersey-clad young daughter, + Asked the lover to a party on the water. + Soft things he now could say + To the maiden all the way, + Till she caught him--who imagined he had caught her! + + Now there came a young musician, _Troukachevsky_, + Who, at Petersburg, resided on the Nevsky; + And to play with him the flighty wife was fated + In the famed duet to KREUTZEE dedicated. + + The husband who perceived things were not right, + Home suddenly returned at dead of night. + His boots he'd taken off; + He was careful not to cough; + And his plans so well were woven, + That they still performed Beethoven. + But, neither being deaf, + They at last heard _Pozdnisheff_. + Poor wife! He so affrights her, + That she plays no more the _Kreutzer_. + + If on each foot he'd had a slipper + To Troukachevsky (who was saved) + The husband would have p'rhaps behaved + Much in the style of Jack the Ripper. + He put to flight the dilettante + (Who hadn't finished half the _andante_), + But feared the servants' mockings + Should they see him in his stockings, + Racing along the corridor:-- + Not that he thought it horrid, or + Harsh to transfix him with a dagger, + (He could not bear the fiddler's swagger), + But felt quite sure so droll a figure + Would make his rude domestics snigger. + + And now his wife cries out for mercy + (No more she wears that fetching jersey); + And all in vain she pity claims: + The dagger ruthlessly he aims, + And through the whale-bone of her corset + Tries unsuccessfully to force it. + At last he feels that he's succeeded, + A little more than p'rhaps was needed. + Ah, that by taking out the knife + He now could bring her back to life! + + 'Twas his habit, when he got into a pet, + Invariably to light a cigarette; + And, having killed his wife, he never spoke + One word until he'd had a quiet smoke. + + When he saw that it was time, he called a p'liceman, + And exclaimed, "Oh, I have broken the Tsar's peace, man. + I've killed my wife!--I did it in a fury-- + But I wish the matter brought before a jury." + And the jury, after hearing all the case, + Said, "Not Guilty. We'd have done it in his place." + And he lately, in a Russian railway carriage, + Told Count TOLSTOI all the story of his marriage. + + * * * * * + +"The Law of Arms is such."--Mr. Punch greatly regrets that he was +unable to be present at the Annual Inspection of the Inns of Court +Volunteers, when members were requested to "show every article of +equipment and clothing of which they were in possession." No doubt +the exhibition was as interesting as imposing. It is rumoured that +the display of wigs and gowns (worn in Court) and lawn-tennis blazers +(used in the Temple Gardens) was absolutely magnificent. It is further +reported that the large collection of go-to-meeting hats, frock-coats, +and patent-leather boots extorted universal admiration from all +beholders. To his sorrow, a prior engagement prevented Mr. A. +BRIEFLESS Junior, (who is an Hon. Member of the Corps), from putting +in an appearance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROPOSED NATIONAL GALLERY OF BRITISH ART IN DANGER. + +_Mr. Henry Tate_. "NO, THANK YOU, MR. RED TAPE, I DON'T WANT MY GIFTS +TO THE NATION TO BE TIED UP BY _YOU_, THEN PACKED AWAY, AND NEVER SEEN +AGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + +WHAT IT WILL COME TO; + +OR, THE COURT, THE CHASE, AND THE CURSE. + + "Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS used some strong language yesterday in + reference to the small room in which he was called upon to + administer Justice while the Worship Street Police Court is + being renovated."--_Evening Paper_. + + SCENE--_A small apartment in a Metropolitan Police Court_. + Presiding Magistrate _and_ Clerk _discovered_. + +_Presiding Magistrate_. There! You and I can sit here, and the rest +can remain outside. And now I will take the night charges. + +_Voice from Passage_ (_without_). Please, your worship, as I was on +duty last night, this man-- + +_Builder_ (_putting his head in_). Sorry to trouble you, Sir, but we +have got something to do to the flooring. Must ask you to be off. + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). Very well; the Court is +adjourned to the back garden. (_Scene changes to that locality._) +Come, this is better! Fresh air, in spite of the smuts! And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Builder_ (_entering_). Very sorry to trouble you again, Sir, but +there's something wrong with the drains. We think the pipes are out +of order, and so we shall have to dig them up. So, if you don't mind +moving-- + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). Very well; the Court is +adjourned to the coal-cellar. (_Scene changes to that locality._) +Come, this is not so bad! Very cool, if rather damp. And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Coalheaver_ (_speaking through hole in roof_). Sorry to disturb you, +gents, but as me and my mates are going to put some coals in this here +cellar, I thought it good manners to tell you all to clear out. + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). The Court is adjourned to the +housetop. (_Scene changes to that locality._) Come, this is not so +bad! Nice breeze up here. A little difficult to sit upon a sloping +roof, perhaps; but one gets accustomed to everything. And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Sweep_ (_entering_). Sorry to disturb you, mates, but I am just +agoing to sweep the chimneys; and-- + +_Police Magistrate_ (_unable to restrain his indignation any longer_). +Oh--!!! + + [_The Curtain hurriedly conceals the strong but natural + exclamation._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXCELSIOR! OR, THE DAY-DREAM OF DRURIOLANUS. + +_Elected Sheriff, June 27, he dreams that he is encountered on his +road by the fairy forms of Harry Nicholls and Herbert Campbell._ + +_Voices of Fairy Forms_. "ALL HAIL, DRURIOLANUS! SHERIFF THOU ART, +AND SHALT BE MAYOR HEREAFTER!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE MILITARY TOURNAMENT. + +SCENE--_THE AGRICULTURAL HALL. TENT-PEGGING GOING ON_. + +_Stentorian Judge_ (_in Arena_). Corporal BINKS! (_The Assistants give +a finishing blow to the peg, and fall back. Corporal BINKS gallops +in, misses the peg, and rides off, relieving his feelings by whirling +his lance defiantly in the air_.) Corporal BINKS--nothing! + +_A Gushing Lady_. Poor dear thing! I _do_ wish he'd struck it! he did +look so disappointed, and so did that sweet horse! + +_The Judge_. Serjeant SPANKER! (_Sergeant S. gallops in, spears the +peg neatly, and carries it off triumphantly on the point of the lance, +after which he rides back and returns the peg to the Assistants as +a piece of valuable property of which he has accidentally deprived +them_) Sergeant SPANKER--eight! (_Applause; the Assistants drive in +another peg._) Corporal CUTLASH! (_Corporal C. enters, strikes the +peg, and dislodges without securing it. Immense applause from the +Crowd_.) Corporal CUTLASH--two! + +_The Gushing Lady_. Only two, and when he really did hit the peg! I do +call that a shame. I should have given him more marks than the other +man--he has such a _much_ nicer face! + +_A Child with a Thirst for Information_. Uncle, why do they call it +_tent_-pegging? + +_The Uncle_. Why? Well, because those pegs are what they fasten down +tents with. + +_The Child_. But why isn't there a tent now? + +_Uncle_. Because there's no use for one. + +_Child_. Why? + +_Uncle_. Because all they want to do is to pick up the peg with the +point of their lance. + +_Child_. Yes, but why _should_ they want to do it? + +_Uncle_. Oh, to amuse their horses. (_The Child ponders upon this +answer with a view to a fresh catechism upon the equine passion for +entertainment, and the desirability, or otherwise, of gratifying it_.) + +_A Chatty Man in the Promenade_ (_to his Neighbour_). Takes a deal of +practice to strike them pegs fair and full. + +_His Neighbour_ (_who holds advanced Socialistic opinions_). Ah, +I dessay--and a pity they can't make no better use o' their time! +Spoiling good wood, _I_ call it. I don't see no point in it myself. + +_The Chatty Man_. Well, it shows they can _ride_, at any rate. + +_The Socialist_. Ride? O' course they can _ride_--we pay enough for +'aving 'em taught, don't we? But you mark my words, the People won't +put up with this state of things much longer--keepin' a set of 'ired +murderers in luxury and hidleness. I tell yer, wherever I come across +one of these great lanky louts strutting about in his red coat, as if +he was one of the lords of the hearth, well--it makes my nose bleed, +ah--it _does_! + +_The Chatty Man_. If that's the way you talk to him, I ain't surprised +if it do. + +_The Judge_. Sword _versus_ Sword! Come in, there! (_Two mounted +Combatants, in leather jerkins and black visors, armed with +sword-sticks, enter the ring; Judge introduces them to audience with +the aid of a flag_.) Corporal JONES, of the Wessex Yeomanry; Sergeant +SMITH, of the Manx Mounted Infantry. (_Their swords are chalked by the +Assistants_.) Are you ready? Left turn! Countermarch! Engage! (_The +Combatants wheel round and face one another, each vigorously spurring +his horse and prodding cautiously at the other; the two horses seem +determined not to be drawn into the affair themselves on any account, +and take no personal interest in the conflict; the umpires skip and +dodge at the rear of the horses, until one of the Combatants gets in +with a rattling blow on the other's head, to the intense delight of +audience. Both men are brushed down, and their weapons re-chalked, +whereupon they engage once more_--_much to the disgust of their +horses, who had evidently been hoping it was all over. After the +contest is finally decided, a second pair of Combatants enter; one is +mounted on a black horse, the other on a chestnut, who refuses to lend +himself to the business on any terms, and bolts on principle; while +the rider of the black horse remains in stationary meditation_.) Go +on--that black horse--go on! (_The chestnut is at length brought up +to the scratch snorting, but again flinches, and retires with his +rider_.) + +_The Crowd_ (_to rider of black horse_). Go on, now's your chance! +'It him! (_The recipient of these counsels pursues his antagonist, and +belabours him and his horse with impartial good-will until separated +by the Umpires, who examine the chalk-marks with a professional +scrutiny._) + +_The Judge_. Here, you on the black horse, you mustn't hit that +other horse about the head. (_The man addressed appears rebuked and +surprised under his black-wired visor; The Judge, reassuringly_.) +It's all _right_, you know; only, don't do it again, that's all! (_The +Combatant sits up again._) + +_The Gushing Lady_. Oh, I can't bear to look on, really. I'm _sure_ +they oughtn't to hit so hard--_how_ their poor dear heads must ache! +Isn't that chestnut a _duck_? I'm sure he's trying to save his master +from getting hurt--they're such sensible creatures, horses are! +(_Artillery teams drive in, and gallop between the posts; the Crowd +going frantic with delight when the posts remain upright, and roaring +with laughter when one is knocked over_.) + +DURING THE MUSICAL RIDE. + +_The Gushing Lady_. Oh, they're simply too _sweet_! how those horses +are enjoying it--aren't they pets? and how perfectly they keep step +to the music, don't they? + +_Her Friend_ (_who is beginning to get a trifle tired by her +enthusiasm_). Yes; but then they're all trained by Madame KATTI +LANNER, of Drury Lane, you see. + +_The G.L._ What pains she must have taken with them; but you can teach +a horse _anything_, can't you? + +_Her Friend_. Oh, that's nothing; next year they're going to have a +horse who'll dance the Highland Fling. + +_The Socialist_. A pretty sight? Cost a pretty sight o' the People's +money, I know that. Tomfoolery, that's what it is; a set of dressed-up +bullies dancin' quadrilles on 'orseback; _that_ ain't military +manoeuvrin'. It's sickenin' the way fools applaud such goins on. And +cuttin off the Saracen's 'ed, too; I'd call it plucky if the Saracen +'ad a gun in his 'and. Bah, I ate the ole business! + +_His Neighbour_. Got anybody along with you, Mate? + +_The Socialist_. No, I don't want anybody along with _me_, I don't. + +_His Neighbour_. That's a pity, that is. A sweet-tempered, +pleasant-spoken party like you are oughtn't to go about by yourself. +You ought to bring somebody just to enjoy your conversation. There +don't seem to be anybody '_ere_ of your way of thinkin'. + +DURING THE COMBINED DISPLAY. + +_The Gushing Lady_ (_as the Cyclist Corps enter_). Oh, they've got +a _dog_ with them. Do look--such a dear! See, they've tied a letter +round his neck. He'll come back with an answer presently. (_But, there +being apparently no answer to this communication, the faithful but +prudent animal does not re-appear_.) + +AFTER THE PERFORMANCE. + +_The Inquisitive Child_. Uncle, which side won? + +_Uncle_. I suppose the side that advanced across the bridges. + +_Child_. Which side _would_ have won if it had been a _real_ battle? + +_Uncle_. I really couldn't undertake to say, my boy. + +_Child_. But which do you _think_ would have won? + +_Uncle_. I suppose the side that fought best. + +_Child_. But which side was _that_? (_The Uncle begins to find that +the society of an intelligent Nephew entails too severe a mental +strain to be frequently cultivated._) + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +_Monday 23_.--Operatic world all agog to hear, and to see, _Le +Prophète_. First appearance for many years. Great things expected +of JEAN DE RESZKÉ as _Jean of Leyden_, and Mlle. RICHARD as _Fides_. +Great expectations not disappointed. Scene in Cathedral magnificent +as a spectacle. But scene in Cathedral between JEAN and his unhappy +mother still grander as acting. _Le Prophète_ is remarkable too, as +being an Opera without Mlle. BAUERMEISTER in it. Skating scene, with +a nice ballet, rather a frost. "Not sufficient go in it," observes +veteran Opera-goer, with book in his hand, dated eighteen hundred +and sixty something, containing a cast of characters which, he says, +though he doesn't show me the book, comprises the names of MARIO, +GRISI, VIARDOT-GARCIA, and HERR FORMES. A more veterany veteran tells +me that GRISI and VIARDOT never played together in this, but that +GRISI succeeded VIARDOT as _Fides_. + +[Illustration: MONDAY, JUNE 23. + +Jean de Reszké as Jean of Leyden. Jeanne The Risky as Sarah d'Arc.] + +Even the veteran is pleased, and acknowledges that thirty years ago +they couldn't have done it as they do now, barring the skating scene, +where, he insists upon it, the original "go" is wanting. The fact is, +we have long passed the days when "rinking" was a novelty on the stage +or off it. But what a jolly lot these Anabaptists were! They enjoyed +themselves with their dancing-girls and their picnicking on the ice. +Substitute General BOOTH for _Jean of Leyden_, and the tambourine +girls for PALLADINO and the ballet, and then you have a modern version +of _Le Prophète_. + +[Illustration: Mlle. Richard as Fides,--not Boney Fides.] + +Delightful to see M. MIRANDA as one of the three Anabaptists, +_Mathisen_ (a good name in the city, with only a letter changed), +striking a sixteenth century flint, for the purpose of lighting +a candle, but, failing in the attempt, compelled to destroy +sixteenth-century illusion, and employ, in a sneaking kind of way, +the nineteenth-century match, which strikes only on its own box. Mlle. +NUOVINA, not so good here as in the part of _Marguerite_, but there is +very little for a soprano to do. JEAN reckless in the final drinking +song. + +The voice of DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS is heard at the wings. The +stage-manager's assistant is evidently nervous, and the curtain, after +once going up a little way and coming down again, ascends suddenly, +in spite of adjuration of DRURIOLANUS to "Wait! wait!" No hitch, and +in another moment DRURIOLANUS, calm, but with suppressed emotion, is +watching the scene from the front. + +"Ah," he murmurs to himself, "if I could only get Guildhall to do what +I like in on that Ninth, of November when I shall be Lord Mayor. I'd +soon show 'em what's what. I'd have a coronation, or investiture, +scene to which this should be mere child's play." + +EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ excellent as _Zacharias_--a, name chiefly associated +with one of Lieutenant COLE'S characters, a Mawworm who looks over +the screen; and M. MONTARIOL good as a lighter-hearted Anabaptist. A +memorable revival. + +_Tuesday_.--_Les Huguenots_. Return of Mlle. BAUERMEISTER after one +night's absence. _Wednesday_.--_Carmen_, as before. + +_Thursday_.--_Rigoletto_. Fine house to hear this Opera. _Le Prince +s'amuse_. The Princess also. Mlle. MELBA excellent; should be known as +"Her Grace." M. LASSALLE, not ideal Jester, physically, but, vocally, +never was _Rigoletto_ better. Signor VALERO a good Ducal tenor: he +scores a treble--(a thing to be done in whist and music)--i.e., +treble _encore_ for "_La Donna è Mobile_." Madame SCALCHI, of course, +good as usual, and Signor MIRANDA (why not FERDINAND MIRANDA, and be +thoroughly Shakspearian at once?) energetic as _Monterone_. FERDINAND +MIRANDA always conscientious actor. Not last, but quite the least, +comes Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER, as _Giovanna_, without whom no Opera +at Covent Garden can be considered as really complete. This is the +only defect on + +_Friday Night_, in _Le Prophète_, which is given again and again--no +part for Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER. Every place in the House taken. +Profit here and Loss for those who can't get seats to hear it. Great +excitement to know whether DRURIOLANUS is elected Sheriff or not. +Early in the evening contradictory rumours in Lobby. At last the +numbers are up. DRURIOLANUS elected. Uncommonly well he will look +in his robes of office. DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS COUNTI-COUNCILARIUS +SHERIFFUS! All hail! + +_Saturday_.--Cannot be present. Have telegraphed to +DRURIOLANUS,--"Dear Sheriff, cannot come; but don't close House; let +Opera go on as usual." I believe it did. + + * * * * * + +SARAH JEANNE AT HIS MAYERJESTY'S. + +[Illustration: Sarah Jeanne explains symbolically to rude English +soldier that he must "hook it."] + +[Illustration: Back View of New Sarah Jeanne overcoat for race +meetings.] + +SARAH JEANNE of Arc. SARAH wrapt up in the visionary creation +is comparatively lost in the part; that is, until she comes out +magnificently in the last scene but one. Otherwise, except to look +the Martyr, and to languish, nothing much for SARAH to do. Cathedral +scene here rivals that at Covent Garden. SARAH wins and thrills the +audience: her voice soothes them in their most ruffled humour, even +after the audience has been kept waiting nearly twenty-five minutes +between the Acts. Everyone disappointed that the funeral pile does +not catch fire, and that the Curtain does not descend on a sensational +scene, for which Captain SHAW and his Merry Men would have to be in +attendance. The cast good all round, but it's more of an Opera, or +a religious play, than a Melodrama. GOUNOD'S music not particularly +striking, and the March sounds familiar. SARAH JEANNE holds the +audience spell-bound to the end, rather by what she doesn't than by +what she does, except in the great scene already mentioned. _Jeanne +d'Arc_ is to run on till further notice, and then Madame SARAH +will appear in some of her well-known parts, and take a temporary +farewell of the British Public. To those who have hitherto neglected +opportunities of seeing SARAH JEANNE let this notice be a warning, and +let them in their thousands hurry up to His Mayerjesty's. + + * * * * * + +"CAN WORMS SEE?"--_Vide St. James's Gazette_ and _Field_. +Correspondent says worms do not shrink from candle-light, but +immediately withdraw under the glare of a bull's-eye lantern. +Evidently for exact information, "Ask a Policeman." Also consult Baron +DE WORMS. He sees his way about well enough. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRACTICAL MEMENTO. + +_Sir James_. "AND WERE YOU IN ROME?" + +_American Lady_. "I GUESS NOT." (_To her Daughter_.) "SAY, BELLA, +DID WE VISIT ROME?" + +_Fair Daughter_. "WHY, MA, CERT'NLY! DON'T YOU REMEMBER? IT WAS IN +ROME WE BOUGHT THE LISLE-THREAD STOCKINGS!" + +_American Lady is convinced_.] + + * * * * * + +"IN TROUBLE." + + "Three Men in a Boat!" And you don't often see + Pair oars and their cox. in a nastier fix. + They started all right, did this nautical Three, + But they've managed to get in no end of a mix. + That Steersman, he thought a good deal of his Stroke, + And there seemed scarce a steadier oarsman than Bow, + But they must have got "skylarking." Ah! it's no joke, + And the question is what are they going to do now? + For danger's a-head, and 'twill tax all their skill + To avoid a capsize and a horrible spill. + + What can they be up to? a gazer might say, + As he watched their eccentric career from the banks. + Three 'ARRIES at large on a Bank Holiday + Could hardly indulge in more blundering pranks. + Stroke "catches a crab" in the clumsiest style, + (And they called him a fine finished oarsman, this chap!) + At his "Catherine-wheeler" a Cockney might smile, + As he tumbles so helplessly back in Bow's lap. + And Bow!--well, he's snapped off the blade of his scull, + And poor Cox's steering-gear's all "in a mull." + + It's all that Stroke's fault--so the whisper goes round. + He _would_ try new dodges, uncalled-for, unproved, + They were "going great guns," when he suddenly found + That, to make himself Champion (and get himself loved + By the river-side "Bungs" and their large _clientèle_), + He must--set a new stroke in the midst of a spin-- + A policy plainly predestined to fail, + And one, we must own, scarce deserving to win. + And so he has smashed up a shining success, + And got himself into a deuce of a mess. + + So various voices! And this was the oar + They triumphantly won from a great rival crew; + The cool-headed, steady-nerved Stroke, bound to score; + The fellow who funking or failure ne'er knew. + _He_ hurry, or falter, catch crabs, miss, or muff? + No, no; lesser men might--say, GL-DST-NE or SM-TH-- + But _he_ was not made of such common-place stuff, + His nerve was all steel, and his muscle all pith. + And now he's adrift amidst snags, stumps, and rooks, + And the Coxswain has just lost his rudder--poor Cox.! + + And danger's ahead, and the full of the weir + Sounds close, as that Stroke tumbles "head over tip." + No wonder poor Bow, his oar bladeless, looks queer. + No wonder the Steersman his yoke-lines lets slip. + The Three are "In Trouble," of that there's no doubt; + Stroke mutters, "Obstruction!" Bow talks of "a foul." + But when you have muffed it, and foes are about, + It isn't much use at bad fortune to growl. + No; Stroke, Bow, and Coxswain must "go it like bricks," + If they mean to get out of this troublesome fix. + + * * * * * + +ERRATUM.--_Mr. Punch_ last week paid the Notts' Cricketer, GUNN, +a well-deserved compliment on his great innings of 228 against +the Australians. He _intended_ to represent him as piling-up that +huge score "against the best bowling." The obviously accidental +substitution of the word "batting" for "bowling" here, caused "the +Nottingham Giant" to be credited with a novel cricketing performance, +to which even _he_ would hardly be equal. The proverbial Irish gun +that could "shoot round a corner," would not be "in it" with a GUNN +who could "bat against batting!" As a Correspondent (in slightly +different words) suggests:-- + + "When a Champion Batsman's performance extolling, + 'Tis well to distinguish, 'twixt batting and bowling!" + + * * * * * + +EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.--According to _Mr. Punch's_ sharp contemporary, +the _Lancet_, the effect of bagpipe-playing upon the teeth is to blunt +them; in fact, in course of time, to wear them away. To the auditor +the music has a contrary effect. _Mr. Punch_ is able to say, from +experience, that he has never listened to the National instrument of +Grand Old Scotland without having his teeth set on edge. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IN TROUBLE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS FOR THE PARK. + +WHY NOT HAVE SOMETHING OF THIS SORT? IT WOULD AT LEAST MAKE THINGS +LESS MONOTONOUS.] + + * * * * * + +TOUTING FOR TOURISTS. + +TO THE EDITOR + +OF ANY PAPER THAT INSERTS GRATUITOUS ADVERTISEMENTS. + +SIR,--Kindly contradict the rumour, which I find is widely spread and +appears to be credited in some quarters, that an extensive sewage +farm has been established in front of the most fashionable terrace in +Slushborough-on-Sea, and that a Smallpox Hospital is about to be built +upon the Pier. "Salubrious Slushborough" still continues (in spite +of the machinations of jealous Northbourne) to be the most select, +popular, and healthy resort on the British coasts. + +Yours disinterestedly, THE MAYOR OF SLUSHBOROUGH. + + +SIR,--A report (proceeding, I have reason, to believe, from +ill-conditioned residents at Slushborough) is being disseminated to +the effect, that the water-supply of Northbourne is largely tainted +with typhus and diphtheria germs, and that an epidemic is already +ravaging this place. As a matter of fact, the only case of illness +of any kind in this town at present is a patient brought over from +Slushborough in the last stage of blood-poisoning, owing to the +defective drainage system there, and who, in this salubrious and +invigorating atmosphere, is now rapidly recovering. + +I remain, Yours &c., THE MAYOR OF NORTHBOURNE. + + +SIR,--In view of the correspondence with regard to the present +condition of our popular seaside resorts, it will, I feel sure, +interest your readers to learn that an examination of the air of +Whitecliffe lately made by a local analyst, reveals the fact that +it contains _fifty-five per cent. more ozone than is to be found on +the top of Mont Blanc!_ I publish this piece of intelligence purely +in the interests of science, and as I am writing I may perhaps take +the opportunity to mention that apartments here are both good and +reasonable, and the bathing first-rate. The same analyst incidentally +discovered that the air at Chorkstone is largely laden with poisonous +bacteria. + +Yours truly, THE MAYOR OF WHITECLIFFE. + + +SIR,--At this time of year, when our glorious Lees are in the full +radiance of their summer beauty, it becomes a mere act of Christian +duty to warn intending holiday-makers to avoid Whitecliffe, and to +select Chorkstone as their place of sojourn instead. An eminent local +medical man asserts that morbiferous germs exist to a very dangerous +degree in the Whitecliffe atmosphere, and that the Whitecliffe water +is rendered almost solid by the multitude of bacilli it contains. +Another Chorkstone resident, who lately visited Whitecliffe, found +the air so relaxing that he fainted away, and had it not been for the +kindness of the landlord of a certain hotel, who had him carried out +of his bar and driven off in a trap to his own home, he believes he +would have succumbed! Comment is needless. + +Yours impartially, THE MAYOR OF CHORKSTONE. + + +SIR,--There is not the slightest foundation for the ridiculous +_canard_ as to the inhabitants of this picturesque and abnormally +fashionable town being "in a state of complete panic, owing to the +fact that all the convicts recently confined at Shortland have broken +out, and are indulging in frightful excesses in the neighbourhood." +The convicts have _not_ broken out; but an epidemic of gratuitous +mendacity has done so, it appears. + +Yours indignantly, THE MAYOR OF CURDSMOUTH. + +P.S.--Have you heard about the sanitary state of Shutmouth? Shocking! + + +SIR,--As I hear that it is rumoured that M. PASTEUR has discovered an +entirely new and most dangerous kind of bacillus in the neighbourhood +of pine-trees, perhaps I may mention, in order to reassure our myriads +of intending summer visitors, that the death-rate at this town is +one in ten thousand, and that we should have had _no death-rate at +all last week_, if the one person referred to had not met with an +unfortunate accident. All the Shutmouth doctors are starving. + +Yours, THE MAYOR OF SHUTMOUTH. + +P.S.--Ought not something to be done to check the mortality at +Curdsmouth? It is disgraceful! + + * * * * * + +TO THE RIGHT WHEEL, BARROW! + + CAINE'S action shakes the Unionists' dominion; + Against it piteous appeals seem vain; + But 'tis, in his late colleagues' pained opinion, + _Not_ "the nice conduct of a clouded CAINE!" + + * * * * * + +"THE SEA! THE SEA!" + +A BUSINESS-LIKE BALLAD. + +(_PENNED BY MR. PUNCH ON BEHALF OF "NOBODY'S BOYS."_) + + "We propose soon to take our rescued Street-Arabs for + 'A Fortnight's Holiday under Canvas'--_by the sea, if + possible."--Appeal of Mr. J.W.C. Fegan, of the Boys' + Home, Southwark_. + +[Illustration] + + _Thalatta! Thalatta_! Not XENOPHON'S Greeks, O benevolent Public, but + "Nobody's Boys," + Wild Arabs of London, by tenderness tamed, at the sight of the sea vent + exuberant joys + In vociferous shoutings! Imagine the rapture of wrecks from the gutter + and waifs from the slum, + When first on their ears falls the jubilant thrill of the sky-soaring + lark, or the wild bee's low hum! + Imagine the pleasure of plunging at will into June's leafy copses of + hazel and lime, + Of scudding through acres of grasses knee-high, and of snuffing the + fragrance of clover and thyme. + But what is all this to the dumb-stricken wonder, swift followed by + outbursts of full-throated glee, + Which fancy can picture, when London's pale outcasts from some grassy + cliff catch first sight of the Sea! + _Thalatta! Thalatta_! There's many a lad who has never before had a + glimpse of the wave; + For these are of those who, from London's dark wastes 'tis the aim of + their leaders to rescue and save. + "Nobody's Boys," the lost waifs of the city, foredoomed, but for aid, + to debasement and crime, + Possible gallows-birds,--they with wan faces late cleansed from the + rookery's hideous grime, + Snatched from the gutter whilst boyhood bears hope with it, gathered and + tended with vigilant care. + Servants of soul-thrift their volunteer champions! Weeds of the slum, + with fresh soil and sweet air, + Grow into grace and fair fruitage. These pariahs, "Southwark Boys," + strays from the slime-sodden east, + FEGAN takes forth in gay troops to the meadows, in freshness of nature to + frolic and feast, + Climb in the woodlands and plunge in the waters, ramble and scramble + through tangle-hedged lanes, + Fish in the pools with youth's primitive tackle, breathe quickening + vigour through bosoms and brains. + Picture the boys "camping out" on the commons, and gipsying gaily in + tents midst the heather, + Armed with their canvas and blankets and boilers and pannikins well + against hunger and weather. + Picture them--CALLOT'S free brush might have managed it--gathered in + pow-wow around the camp-fire, + Sun-tanned and wind-browned, in picturesque raiment, with wisp of the + wild hop or trail of the briar + Hat-wreathed or button-holed. BURNS should have sung of them; + trim-skirted Muse, with punctilious tastes, + Were not at home with these waifs from the rookery, pastured at large + in free Nature's wild wastes, + Bounding, and breathing fresh air, romping, wrestling, and disciplined + only to cleanness and order. + Otherwise free as the tent-dwelling Arabs, or outlaws of Sherwood, or + bands of the Border. + Picture it! FEGAN'S pink pamphlet _has_ pictured it. Read it, all lovers + of Nature and youth, + All who have care for the wrecks of humanity, all who are moved by the + spirit of ruth. + Ere Spring returns, far Canadian homesteads will house their contingents + of "Nobody's Boys." + Let them take with them kind thoughts of Old England, and memories sweet + of its rare rural joys. + Let them "camp out" once again, by the ocean, and plunge in the billow, + and rove on the sands; + Know the true British brine-whiff by experience. Help, British Public, + their friends' kindly hands. + Good is the work, and the fruit of it excellent; giving poor wastrels a + fair start in life, + Taste of true pleasure, and wholesome enjoyment, aid in endeavour, and + strength for the strife. + What better use for spare cash at this season? Come then, _Punch_ + readers, right willingly come! + _Mr. Punch_ knows scarce a cause more deserving, or worthy of aid, than + the Southwark Boys' Home! + +_Mem_.--Mr. J.W.C. FEGAN, of the Boys' Home, Southwark, the writer of +the pleasant pamphlet entitled _Camping Out_, makes appeal towards +the expenses of giving "a fortnight's holiday under canvas--_by the +sea, if possible_"--to the waifs and strays in Mr. FEGAN'S Homes. +To that gentleman, and NOT to _Mr. Punch_, subscriptions should be +sent. Remittances may be made to him (by P.O.O., payable at General +Post-Office, or by cheque crossed "London and County Bank") at the +Boys' Home, 95, Southwark Street, London, S.E. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 23_.--A gleam of glory in sombre +chamber of the Peers; a thin streak of red making its devious way +between the table and the Benches. At the head comes Black Rod, giving +some relief to the glittering spectacle; Garter King-at-Arms, without +whom British Constitution would be a vain thing, follows. Then the +Prince of WALES, looking a trifle anxious; is bringing out his son +and heir to take his place in the hereditary chamber; anxious that +all should go well. Next the new Duke of CLARENCE, looking very well +in his new Peer's robes, on which his fair mother, seated with her +daughter in side galleries, casts approving glance. Then the Duke +of EDINBURGH, with the stalwart Hereditary Grand Marshal, Jockey o' +Norfolk, and Aveland, Lord Great Chamberlain. + +Procession strolled in in quite casual way; passed Woolsack to which +HALSBURY lent grace and dignity; New Peer handed his credentials +to LOBD CHANCELLOR; but HALSBURY, above all things, man of cautious +habits. No doubt everything was right and in order; presence of Prince +of WALES guarantee of it; but HALSBURY not to be taken in. All very +well, but all in due order. So new Peer taken charge of by the Reading +Clerk; Procession moved on to table; documents mumbled over; oath +taken; roll signed. New Peer turned to look at LORD CHANCELLOR; +decidedly more friendly; haughty, forbidding, distrustful look, +vanished from his ordinarily genial countenance. Young Peer encouraged +to venture on friendly nod; LORD CHANCELLOR in response, lifted +three-cornered hat, and on replacing it, was observed to cock it +slightly on one side. Procession now moved on towards doorway by side +of Throne, where was set three chairs. + +"A little slow isn't it, Sir," said Duke of CLARENCE to H.R.H.; +"suppose we sit down here a bit; Black Rod will go and fetch us +a flagon of Malmsey wine; am told they always keep a butt on the +premises for stray Dukes." + +"No Malmsey for you, CLARENCE," said the Gracious Parent; "but if +you'd like to sit down a moment, you may." + +So new Peer sat in middle chair, Father and Uncle anxiously regarding +him. LORD CHANCELLOR slewed round on Woolsack to see what was going +on behind him. New Peer, making himself quite at home, put on hat; +finding LORD CHANCELLOR staring at him, uplifted it; LORD CHANCELLOR +did same with his. Duke tried it again; LORD CHANCELLOR, comically +half turned round on the Woolsack, followed suit. + +"Do it a third time, CLARENCE," whispered H.R.H., entering into fun +of thing. So the new Peer, always with his eyes gravely fixed on LORD +CHANCELLOR, who, in the excitement of the moment, had got his left leg +cocked over the Woolsack, did it a third time; LORD CHANCELLOR did the +same; Princesses in the Gallery sweetly smiling; Garter King-at-Arms +totting off the number of salutes; and Black Rod thanking his stars +that presently, when they left the House, he could walk face forward, +not as when he visited the Commons, walking backward like a crab. + +"I think that'll do," said H.R.H. "HALSBURY is in very uncomfortable +attitude; besides this is a sort of game that palls after the third +round. Go and say good-bye to HALSBURY, and we'll go and have a cup +of tea with your mother." + +Procession reformed; New Peer led up to Woolsack, where LORD +CHANCELLOR, with little gesture of surprise, as if he had only now +caught sight of him for first time, shook hands with him. Prince of +Wales lifted his cap to LORD CHANCELLOR; LORD CHANCELLOR lifted his +cap to Prince of WALES; the other Princes followed suit; Black Rod +toddled off; and the gay and gorgeous procession disappeared through +the doorway, leaving the Chamber in sudden twilight, as if the sun had +dipped below the horizon. + +An exceedingly friendly meeting all round; quite contagious. + +[Illustration: "Toby, M.P., I presume?"] + +"TOBY, M.P., I presume?" said BROADHURST, as I walked out. He had +been looking on, and had quite caught the graceful manner of the LORD +CHANCELLOR. I raised my hat three times, and went on to the Commons, +where there were wigs on the Green. + +_Business done_.--In Commons, Compensation Clauses withdrawn. + +_Tuesday_.--TIM HEALY puts final spoke in wheel of Compensation Bill. +Rose after questions on paper disposed of, and asked for ruling of +SPEAKER on an important point affecting Parliamentary Procedure. TIM'S +manner boded ill for the Government--deferential, low-voiced, with +total absence of self-assertion or aggression, TIM stood, the very +model of a modest young man. + +"Yes," said Prince ARTHUR, "but I hope he's not going to say anything +about Irish business. When he's in this mood, I prefer he should +address himself to my dear friend JOKIM." + +[Illustration: _Right Hon. A. Balfour_. "My dearest Tim, 'for this +relief much thanks!'"] + +TIM had anticipated Prince ARTHUR'S wishes. It _was_ about +Compensation Bill that he desired to consult SPEAKER. JOKIM, as +last turn in devious course, had proposed to dodge difficulty +about Compensation by accumulating proceeds of increased till +some indefinite period, when great reform of Licensing should be +introduced. "But," says TIM, almost begging pardon for interposing, +"in Budget Bill it has been specifically decreed that proceeds of +tax should be appropriated during present Session." Accumulation, TIM +urged, with a vague notion that he was dropping into poetry, is not +Appropriation. SPEAKER agreed with him: consternation on Treasury +Bench; Ministers tried to put bold face on affairs; could not discuss +question now; would do so by-and-by; confident they could show there +was nothing in TIM'S objection. An hour later, when time came to +resume Committee on Compensation Bill, OLD MORALITY announced that +it would be postponed to give Ministers opportunity to consider point +suggested by TIM. Shout of exultation went up from Opposition Benches: +prolonged fight had been won at last; the obnoxious Bill was floored, +and TIM had done it. + +OLD MORALITY, standing at table in attitude where natural nobility of +character struggled with accidental depression, said: "Success, Mr. +SPEAKER, is a mark no mortal wit of surest hand can always hit. For +whatsoe'er we perpetrate, we do but row; we are steered by fate, which +in success often disinherits, for spurious causes, noblest merits. +Great occasions, Mr. SPEAKER, are not always true sons of great and +mighty resolutions, nor, I may add, do the boldest attempts bring +forth events still equal to their worth. That may be the case with +us; but at least we shall carry to our homes the consciousness that we +have diligently striven to do our duty to our QUEEN and our country." +General cheering at this little speech, and scarcely dry eye on +Treasury Bench. + +_Business done_.--Compensation Bill in fresh difficulties. + +_Thursday_.--Sitting remarkable for two speeches from ordinarily +silent Members. Began and ended proceedings. First was by WHARTON, on +presenting petition signed by over half a million persons in favour of +Compensation Clauses of Licensing Bill. Petition brought down in three +cases by PICKFORD'S van. Conveniently disposed on floor of House; +occupied the whole space. Perturbation on Treasury Bench at the report +that there was Royal Commission going forward in other House. Time +of the Session when these are frequent. Black Rod arrives; requests +attendance of Members to hear Commission read. Advances towards table, +bowing to chair; retires backward; SPEAKER follows him. How would it +be to-day, with floor blocked with towering cases? Black Rod an old +sailor, might haul himself up hand-over-hand, and skip across tops +of cases; but never do for the SPEAKER so to scramble out. Hasty and +anxious inquiry made. Turned out to be no Royal Commission to-day; so +new disaster for Ministers avoided. + +WHARTON succeeds somehow when presenting Petition in casting sort +of Cathedral Close air over proceedings. Life-long association with +cathedrals and their precincts have invested him with placid charm +of manner: would have made an excellent Dean; gone off capitally as a +Canon; now, as he waves his hand towards the space lately crowded by +the Petition, wears subtle, indescribable, but unmistakable air, as if +he were taking part in a Confirmation Service. + +[Illustration: A Maiden Speech.] + +The other orator, GRIMSTON, considerably less ecclesiastical in his +manner. Appeared suddenly on scene at midnight: maiden speech; very +effective. "Mr. COURTNEY, Sir," he said, diffidently hiding his hands +in his trousers' pockets, "I claim the indulgence the House always +extends to young Members, in rising to address it for the first time. +I beg to move that the question be now put," Question put accordingly; +debate Closured, and so home. + +_Business done_.--Quite a lot. Licensing Clauses finally dropped; +Allotments Bill read Third Time; Barracks Bill through Committee. + +_Friday_.--Police in possession of House to-night. MATTHEWS moved +Second Reading of Bill dealing with Force. Quite unusual consensus +of approval, considering it is a Government Bill. Only for GEORGE +CAMPBELL, chorus would have been unanimous. But GEORGE, looking +in from Zanzibar, where he had called after a brief trip through +Jerusalem and Madagascar, denounced the measure as "thoroughly bad." +House thereupon passed Second Reading without division. + +_Business done_.--Police Bill read Second Time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _From Report of Debate on Hares Preservation Bill, June +26_.--"They (the other Members of Parliament) could not go out and +kill 300 Dodos,"--but evidently _he_ (Sir W.V. HARCOURT) could, and +here he is--caught in the act!] + + * * * * * + +"The Oof Bird" is the Auk, as _Cornhill Mag._ says its eggs cost £170 +apiece,--of course when fresh. What a big lark!--Yours, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +99, JULY 5, 1890*** + + +******* This file should be named 11726-8.txt or 11726-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/2/11726 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** diff --git a/old/11726-8.zip b/old/11726-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1630d3a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-8.zip diff --git a/old/11726-h.zip b/old/11726-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..31a4269 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h.zip diff --git a/old/11726-h/11726-h.htm b/old/11726-h/11726-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf00a08 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/11726-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2298 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 5, 1890, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July +5, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 5, 1890</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 27, 2004 [eBook #11726]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 99, JULY 5, 1890***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 5, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" + id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2> + + <p>We understand that careful observers have noted a + considerable amount of disturbance in the House of Commons + during the past three weeks. Various reasons have, as usual, + been advanced to account for this phenomenon, one eminent + politician having gone so far as to hint darkly at the + existence of Cave-men (or Troglodytes), who dwell in + barrows.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The weather has been subject to strange variations. The mean + temperature of the isothermal lines, when reduced to fractions + of an infinitesimal value, has been found to correspond exactly + to the elevation of the nap on the hat of a certain sporting + Earl. Dividing that by the number of buttons on a + costermonger's waistcoat, and adding to the quotient the number + of aspirates picked up in the Old Kent Road on a Saturday + afternoon, the result has been computed as equal to the total + amount of minutes occupied by a vendor of saveloys in + advertising his wares in the Pall Mall Clubs.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Candour is at times inconvenient. A prominent member of a + Metropolitan Vestry was informed two days ago by one of the + permanent scavengers of the district, that he "wasn't worth the + price of a second-hand boot-lace." On inquiring the meaning of + this curious phrase, he was told that "his blooming head would + be knocked off for two-pence." We understand that the + Vestryman's vote on a question of salary is responsible for the + indignation of the scavenger, a member of a class usually noted + for their somewhat ceremonious courtesy.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Those who propose to travel this year will doubtless be glad + to learn that the Hessian fly has been observed in unusual + abundance in Westphalia. This succulent <i>morceau</i> is now + eaten fried, with a sauce of devilled lentils and oil.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It appears, after all, that there is no very definite + foundation for the report that Sir EDWARD WATKIN is said to be + disappointed in the competitive designs sent in for his Tower, + because none of them provide sleeping accommodation for 2000 + people on the top storey. Of course something must have given + rise to the rumour, but it is not easy to say exactly what. One + competitor has already, however, it appears, intimated his + readiness to make the required addition, by hanging his beds + over the side of the Tower on "extended poles." The question + is, "Would Sir WATKIN be able to induce his patrons 'to turn + in' under such conditions?" There's the rub.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>STANLEY'S <i>Darkest Africa</i> (SAMPSON LOW) swamps all + other books just now, except, of course, the Other STANLEY + book, called <i>A Light on the Keep-it-Quite-the-Darkest + Africa</i> (TRISCHLER & Co.) which follows closely at its + heels. The real STANLEY narrative is most interesting and + exciting; it is a book that will make everyone "sit + up"—at night to read it. The centre of attraction is in + the answer to the question, "How did I find EMIN?" Which is, + "Quite well, thank you."</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." reports that he has been doing his duty + nobly as a novel-reader. He has already devoured Vol. III. of + the <i>Man with a Secret</i>. He would attack Vols. I. and II. + if he had not had (so he says) quite enough of the Man + <i>and</i> his Secret. <i>Innocent Victims</i> is written in + the temperance interest. "Co." has every sympathy with the + cause of undiluted water, but fears that this "story of London + Life and Labour" may end in drink. He found it himself a little + dry, and was not cheered by the name of the author, HUGH DOWNE, + which seemed to suggest he could not get up again. He is + eagerly waiting for more fiction, as "<i>Expiation</i>" by + OCTAVE THANET has scarcely satisfied his craving for the weird + and the horrible. In the meanwhile, he has found a cheerful + interlude in <i>Sanity and Insanity</i>, a text-book (written + in a popular yet scientific strain) of the maladies of the + mind. He says, that Dr. MERCIER, the author, is to be + congratulated on having treated a rather "jumpy" subject in a + manner that can offend no one. "Co." had no idea up to now, + that "t'other was so like unto which."</p> + + <p>All the Magazines for July are in, but the Baron has been + unable to open them, and "Co." has cut them. BARON DE + BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After Charles Kingsley—at a respectful + distance.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dress well, sweet Maid, and let who will be + <i>clever.</i></p> + + <p class="i10">Dance, flirt, and sing!</p> + + <p class="i10">Don't study all day long.</p> + + <p class="i10">Or else you'll find,</p> + + <p class="i10">When other girls get married,</p> + + <p class="i10">You'll sing a different song!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>SAD NEWS FROM ETON.—"Bever" is dead. Sorrowing boys + followed the bier. The Bever-age has ceased to exist. What + next? Will the characteristic Etonian top-hat follow the + Bever?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HIS FIRST ACHE.</h3>"OH, MAMMY! I'VE GOT SUCH A PAIN IN + FRONT OF ME!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BEFORE BISLEY.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Office of the</i> Commanding + Commander-in-Chief. The C.C.-in-Chief <i>discovered. To him + enter</i> H.R.H. GEORGE RANGER.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> You sent for me, <i>Mr. Punch</i>. I beg + pardon, I should say, your Excellency?</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> (<i>severely</i>). Be careful, Sir, and + remember in whose presence you are! I believe about a month ago + you asked for subscriptions in aid of the National Rifle + Association?</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i>. Yes, <i>Mr. P</i>.—I should say, + your Excellency.</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in C.</i> And I presume the N.R.A. have been put to + very great expense in changing from Wimbledon to Bisley?</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> Yes, I am sorry to say + so,—personally sorry. Although the bullets may have + played the mischief with the adjoining property, still I + think—</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> (<i>severely</i>). We are not discussing + Wimbledon now, Sir. Am I right in assuming that the reason + funds were requested was to put Bisley in a proper condition + for the reception of the Volunteers?</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> Of course. I am sure I am the best friend + of the Volunteers, and—</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). How comes it then + that when the Volunteers (whose own ranges are being closed all + round London) ask for permission to shoot at Bisley, they are + told that they may not have it, because "the range is required + for the regular troops."</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> Well, as Commander-in-Chief, of course I + must consider the Army, and as—</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> President of the N.R.A., you should + consider the Volunteers—but you don't! Now see here, if I + hear any more of this sort of thing, I tell you frankly + that—</p> + + <p><i>[Scene closes in, as the threat is too terrible for + publication]</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + + <h4>QUALIFIED RECOMMENDATION.</h4> + + <p>"<i>A. Nobleman wishes particularly to recommend his + Coachman, who is leaving his service, solely owing to domestic + changes</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Having been detected falsifying his + stable accounts, and threatened in consequence with + prosecution, he retaliates by a menace to disclose certain + unpleasant family secrets, picked up in the servants' hall, to + a Society journal.</p> + + <h4>TRADE EMBELLISHMENTS.</h4> + + <p>"<i>If applied but once gently with the palm of the hand, it + will afford the sufferer delightful and instantaneous + relief</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, It at once removes the skin, and if + rubbed in with vigour will flay a horse.</p> + + <h4>PLATFORMULARS.</h4> + + <p>"<i>I feel that I have already trespassed upon your + patience, and detained you an unconscionable time</i>;" + <i>i.e.</i>, "Your attention seems flagging. I want a moment or + two for reflection, and a cue to go on again."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE RACK OF THE RATE-PAYER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Victim of "Quinquennial Valuation."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Parochial Authorities have a way of their own in + interpreting Acts of Parliament, and a very peculiar way + indeed of dealing with the Valuation Act.... Overseers go + their own way, and interpret the Act according to their + knowledge and experience; and in many cases experience is + lacking, and knowledge an altogether unknown quantity.... + When dealing with leasehold property, overseers positively + revel in the most delightful caprice. The leaseholder's + property is dealt with kindly or the reverse, just as it is + in this or that parish."—<i>James's Gazette</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tennyson talks of "gay quinquenniads." Yes,</p> + + <p class="i2">But he would mention them with less + elation</p> + + <p>If he had my experience, I guess,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the <i>not</i> gay Quinquennial + Valuation!</p> + + <p>I am not now so young as once I was,</p> + + <p class="i2">I have arrived at the Golosh and Gamp + Age,</p> + + <p>I am not equal to contend—that's + poz—</p> + + <p class="i2">With the Parochial Fathers on the + rampage.</p> + + <p>Ah me, these Vestry vultures on the pounce!</p> + + <p class="i2">They scare me, skin me, bully me, and + bilk me.</p> + + <p>Soon of my flesh they'll scarce have left an + ounce,</p> + + <p class="i2">They so persistently maul, mulct, and + milk me.</p> + + <p>Once in five years they send me papers blue,</p> + + <p class="i2">And papers white, and likewise papers + yellow;</p> + + <p>They "want to know, you know," indeed they do.</p> + + <p class="i2">First the "First Clerk," a devil of a + fellow!</p> + + <p>Challenges me to up and tell him all</p> + + <p class="i2">About gross value, also value + rateable.</p> + + <p>It's all pure fudge. I am their helpless thrall,</p> + + <p class="i2">To an extent in civil speech + unstateable.</p> + + <p>They will not take <i>my</i> word. If I appeal,</p> + + <p class="i2">They hale me up before a stern + Committee,</p> + + <p>Fellows with brazen faces, hearts of steel,</p> + + <p class="i2">And destitute of manners as of pity.</p> + + <p>My solemn statement, or my mild demur,</p> + + <p class="i2">To them a subject of fierce scorn and + scoff is;</p> + + <p>An honest citizen feels but a cur</p> + + <p class="i2">When snapped and snarled at by these + Jacks-in-Office.</p> + + <p>They're sure to have the pull of me somehow;</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh! I've read "Handbooks." I've attended + Meetings</p> + + <p>Where angry ratepayers raise fruitless row;</p> + + <p class="i2">But, bless you, these bold roarings turn + to bleatings,</p> + + <p>When they the cruel inquisition face</p> + + <p class="i2">Of some austere Committee of + Assessment.</p> + + <p>Until I found myself in that dread place</p> + + <p class="i2">I never knew what fogged and foiled + distress meant.</p> + + <p>Between them and my Landlord I've no peace.</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm honest, but they treat me as "a wrong + one."</p> + + <p>I'm a Shopkeeper, holding a short lease</p> + + <p class="i2">(My Landlord takes good care it's not a + long one).</p> + + <p>Once in seven years the Landlord lifts my Rent,</p> + + <p class="i2">And once in five my Rates the Assessor + raises,</p> + + <p>Values, Gross, Rateable, so much per cent.?</p> + + <p class="i2">Bah! the attempt to fathom them but + crazes!</p> + + <p>The only regular rule is—Up! Up! Up!</p> + + <p class="i2">And any protest only brings upon you</p> + + <p>Your Landlord's wrath, and cheek from some sleek + pup,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who bullies you; and laughs when he has + done you.</p> + + <p>"Pay and look pleasant," is the official rule,</p> + + <p class="i2">And as to wife and child, and food and + raiment,</p> + + <p>You <i>may</i> attend to them, poor drudging + fool!</p> + + <p class="i2">When of your Rent and Rates you've made + full payment.</p> + + <p>Yes, Rent and Rates! they are the modern gods,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Moloch's tyranny was not more + cruel.</p> + + <p>With Landlord or with Vestry get at odds,</p> + + <p class="i2">And you're gone coon; they'll soon give + you your gruel.</p> + + <p>Just now Vestrydom's victims are a-howl</p> + + <p class="i2">With rage at skinning; but their + indignation</p> + + <p>Will fade, and they will feed the Official Ghoul</p> + + <p class="i2">Until the next Quinquennial + Valuation.</p> + + <p>And then—well, Lord knows what may happen + <i>then</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Unless—unless—and that is + most improbable—</p> + + <p>Ratepayers rise <i>together</i>—show they're + men,</p> + + <p class="i2">And not mere sheep gregarious, + warm-fleeced, robbable.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the Vestry Vultures gorge their fill,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I am warned—by + friends—"<i>Don't put their backs up!</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Their</i> backs! And we sing "<i>Rule + Britannia</i>" still!!</p> + + <p class="i2">Will <i>no one</i> chaw these fine + official Jacks up?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <h2>THE KREUTZER SONATA.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">One <i>Pozdnisheff</i> by name</p> + + <p class="i4">Played the matrimonial game;</p> + + <p class="i4">Pleased by a little curl,</p> + + <p class="i4">Which round his heart did twirl,</p> + + <p class="i4">And taken by a jersey</p> + + <p class="i4">(Exported from the Mersey);</p> + + <p class="i4">He felt, poor man, half-witted</p> + + <p class="i4">When he saw how well it fitted!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The mother, with her jersey-clad young daughter,</p> + + <p>Asked the lover to a party on the water.</p> + + <p class="i4">Soft things he now could say</p> + + <p class="i4">To the maiden all the way,</p> + + <p>Till she caught him—who imagined he had caught + her!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Now there came a young musician, + <i>Troukachevsky</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who, at Petersburg, resided on the + Nevsky;</p> + + <p class="i2">And to play with him the flighty wife was + fated</p> + + <p class="i2">In the famed duet to KREUTZEE + dedicated.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">The husband who perceived things were not + right,</p> + + <p class="i2">Home suddenly returned at dead of + night.</p> + + <p class="i4">His boots he'd taken off;</p> + + <p class="i4">He was careful not to cough;</p> + + <p class="i4">And his plans so well were woven,</p> + + <p class="i4">That they still performed Beethoven.</p> + + <p class="i4">But, neither being deaf,</p> + + <p class="i4">They at last heard + <i>Pozdnisheff</i>.</p> + + <p class="i4">Poor wife! He so affrights her,</p> + + <p class="i4">That she plays no more the + <i>Kreutzer</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">If on each foot he'd had a slipper</p> + + <p class="i4">To Troukachevsky (who was saved)</p> + + <p class="i4">The husband would have p'rhaps + behaved</p> + + <p class="i2">Much in the style of Jack the Ripper.</p> + + <p class="i2">He put to flight the dilettante</p> + + <p class="i2">(Who hadn't finished half the + <i>andante</i>),</p> + + <p class="i2">But feared the servants' mockings</p> + + <p class="i2">Should they see him in his stockings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Racing along the corridor:—</p> + + <p class="i2">Not that he thought it horrid, or</p> + + <p class="i2">Harsh to transfix him with a dagger,</p> + + <p class="i2">(He could not bear the fiddler's + swagger),</p> + + <p class="i2">But felt quite sure so droll a figure</p> + + <p class="i2">Would make his rude domestics + snigger.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">And now his wife cries out for mercy</p> + + <p class="i2">(No more she wears that fetching + jersey);</p> + + <p class="i2">And all in vain she pity claims:</p> + + <p class="i2">The dagger ruthlessly he aims,</p> + + <p class="i2">And through the whale-bone of her + corset</p> + + <p class="i2">Tries unsuccessfully to force it.</p> + + <p class="i2">At last he feels that he's succeeded,</p> + + <p class="i2">A little more than p'rhaps was + needed.</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah, that by taking out the knife</p> + + <p class="i2">He now could bring her back to life!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">'Twas his habit, when he got into a + pet,</p> + + <p class="i2">Invariably to light a cigarette;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, having killed his wife, he never + spoke</p> + + <p class="i2">One word until he'd had a quiet + smoke.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When he saw that it was time, he called a + p'liceman,</p> + + <p>And exclaimed, "Oh, I have broken the Tsar's peace, + man.</p> + + <p>I've killed my wife!—I did it in a + fury—</p> + + <p>But I wish the matter brought before a jury."</p> + + <p>And the jury, after hearing all the case,</p> + + <p>Said, "Not Guilty. We'd have done it in his + place."</p> + + <p>And he lately, in a Russian railway carriage,</p> + + <p>Told Count TOLSTOI all the story of his + marriage.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"The Law of Arms is such."—Mr. Punch greatly regrets + that he was unable to be present at the Annual Inspection of + the Inns of Court Volunteers, when members were requested to + "show every article of equipment and clothing of which they + were in possession." No doubt the exhibition was as interesting + as imposing. It is rumoured that the display of wigs and gowns + (worn in Court) and lawn-tennis blazers (used in the Temple + Gardens) was absolutely magnificent. It is further reported + that the large collection of go-to-meeting hats, frock-coats, + and patent-leather boots extorted universal admiration from all + beholders. To his sorrow, a prior engagement prevented Mr. A. + BRIEFLESS Junior, (who is an Hon. Member of the Corps), from + putting in an appearance.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/3.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE PROPOSED NATIONAL GALLERY OF BRITISH ART IN + DANGER.</h3><i>Mr. Henry Tate</i>. "NO, THANK YOU, MR. RED + TAPE, I DON'T WANT MY GIFTS TO THE NATION TO BE TIED UP BY + <i>YOU</i>, THEN PACKED AWAY, AND NEVER SEEN AGAIN!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WHAT IT WILL COME TO;</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE COURT, THE CHASE, AND THE CURSE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS used some strong language + yesterday in reference to the small room in which he was + called upon to administer Justice while the Worship Street + Police Court is being renovated."—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A small apartment in a Metropolitan + Police Court</i>. Presiding Magistrate <i>and</i> Clerk + <i>discovered</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Presiding Magistrate</i>. There! You and I can sit here, + and the rest can remain outside. And now I will take the night + charges.</p> + + <p><i>Voice from Passage</i> (<i>without</i>). Please, your + worship, as I was on duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>putting his head in</i>). Sorry to + trouble you, Sir, but we have got something to do to the + flooring. Must ask you to be off.</p> + + <p><i>P.M.</i> (<i>restraining his indignation</i>). Very well; + the Court is adjourned to the back garden. (<i>Scene changes to + that locality.</i>) Come, this is better! Fresh air, in spite + of the smuts! And now, Constable, go on with your evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Police Constable</i>. Well, your Worship, as I was on + duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>entering</i>). Very sorry to trouble you + again, Sir, but there's something wrong with the drains. We + think the pipes are out of order, and so we shall have to dig + them up. So, if you don't mind moving—</p> + + <p><i>P.M.</i> (<i>restraining his indignation</i>). Very well; + the Court is adjourned to the coal-cellar. (<i>Scene changes to + that locality.</i>) Come, this is not so bad! Very cool, if + rather damp. And now, Constable, go on with your evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Police Constable</i>. Well, your Worship, as I was on + duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Coalheaver</i> (<i>speaking through hole in roof</i>). + Sorry to disturb you, gents, but as me and my mates are going + to put some coals in this here cellar, I thought it good + manners to tell you all to clear out.</p> + + <p><i>P.M.</i> (<i>restraining his indignation</i>). The Court + is adjourned to the housetop. (<i>Scene changes to that + locality.</i>) Come, this is not so bad! Nice breeze up here. A + little difficult to sit upon a sloping roof, perhaps; but one + gets accustomed to everything. And now, Constable, go on with + your evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Police Constable</i>. Well, your Worship, as I was on + duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Sweep</i> (<i>entering</i>). Sorry to disturb you, mates, + but I am just agoing to sweep the chimneys; and—</p> + + <p><i>Police Magistrate</i> (<i>unable to restrain his + indignation any longer</i>). Oh—!!!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Curtain hurriedly conceals the strong but + natural exclamation.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/4.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>EXCELSIOR! OR, THE DAY-DREAM OF DRURIOLANUS.</h3> + + <p><i>Elected Sheriff, June 27, he dreams that he is + encountered on his road by the fairy forms of Harry + Nicholls and Herbert Campbell.</i></p> + + <p><i>Voices of Fairy Forms</i>. "ALL HAIL, DRURIOLANUS! + SHERIFF THOU ART, AND SHALT BE MAYOR HEREAFTER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT THE MILITARY TOURNAMENT.</h3> + + <h4>SCENE—<i>The Agricultural Hall. Tent-pegging going + on</i>.</h4> + + <p><i>Stentorian Judge</i> (<i>in Arena</i>). Corporal BINKS! + (<i>The Assistants give a finishing blow to the peg, and fall + back</i>. Corporal BINKS <i>gallops in, misses the peg, and + rides off, relieving his feelings by whirling his lance + defiantly in the air</i>.) Corporal BINKS—nothing!</p> + + <p><i>A Gushing Lady</i>. Poor dear thing! I <i>do</i> wish + he'd struck it! he did look so disappointed, and so did that + sweet horse!</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i>. Serjeant SPANKER! (Sergeant S. <i>gallops + in, spears the peg neatly, and carries it off triumphantly on + the point of the lance, after which he rides back and returns + the peg to the Assistants as a piece of valuable property of + which he has accidentally deprived them</i>) Sergeant + SPANKER—eight! (<i>Applause; the Assistants drive in + another peg.</i>) Corporal CUTLASH! (Corporal C. <i>enters, + strikes the peg, and dislodges without securing it. Immense + applause from the Crowd</i>.) Corporal CUTLASH—two!</p> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i>. Only two, and when he really did + hit the peg! I do call that a shame. I should have given him + more marks than the other man—he has such a <i>much</i> + nicer face!</p> + + <p><i>A Child with a Thirst for Information</i>. Uncle, why do + they call it <i>tent</i>-pegging?</p> + + <p><i>The Uncle</i>. Why? Well, because those pegs are what + they fasten down tents with.</p> + + <p><i>The Child</i>. But why isn't there a tent now?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. Because there's no use for one.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. Why?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. Because all they want to do is to pick up the + peg with the point of their lance.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. Yes, but why <i>should</i> they want to do + it?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. Oh, to amuse their horses. (<i>The</i> Child + <i>ponders upon this answer with a view to a fresh catechism + upon the equine passion for entertainment, and the + desirability, or otherwise, of gratifying it</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>A Chatty Man in the Promenade</i> (<i>to his</i> + Neighbour). Takes a deal of practice to strike them pegs fair + and full.</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i> (<i>who holds advanced Socialistic + opinions</i>). Ah, I dessay—and a pity they can't make no + better use o' their time! Spoiling good wood, <i>I</i> call it. + I don't see no point in it myself.</p> + + <p><i>The Chatty Man</i>. Well, it shows they can <i>ride</i>, + at any rate.</p> + + <p><i>The Socialist</i>. Ride? O' course they can + <i>ride</i>—we pay enough for 'aving 'em taught, don't + we? But you mark my words, the People won't put up with this + state of things much longer—keepin' a set of 'ired + murderers in luxury and hidleness. I tell yer, wherever I come + across one of these great lanky louts strutting about in his + red coat, as if he was one of the lords of the hearth, + well—it makes my nose bleed, ah—it <i>does</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Chatty Man</i>. If that's the way you talk to him, I + ain't surprised if it do.</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i>. Sword <i>versus</i> Sword! Come in, there! + (<i>Two mounted Combatants, in leather jerkins and black + visors, armed with sword-sticks, enter the ring</i>; Judge + <i>introduces them to audience with the aid of a flag</i>.) + Corporal JONES, of the Wessex Yeomanry; Sergeant SMITH, of the + Manx Mounted Infantry. (<i>Their swords are chalked by the + Assistants</i>.) Are you ready? Left turn! Countermarch! + Engage! (<i>The Combatants wheel round and face one another, + each vigorously spurring his horse and prodding cautiously at + the other; the two horses seem determined not to be drawn into + the affair themselves on any account, and take no personal + interest in the conflict; the umpires skip and dodge at the + rear of the horses, until one of the Combatants gets in with a + rattling blow on the other's head, to the intense delight of + audience. Both men are brushed down, and their weapons + re-chalked, whereupon they engage once more</i>—<i>much + to the disgust of their horses, who had evidently been hoping + it was all over. After the contest is finally decided, a second + pair of Combatants enter; one is mounted on a black horse, the + other on a chestnut, who refuses to lend himself to the + business on any terms, and bolts on principle; while the rider + of the black horse remains in stationary meditation</i>.) Go + on—that black horse—go on! (<i>The chestnut is at + length brought up to the scratch snorting, but again flinches, + and retires with his rider</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>The Crowd</i> (<i>to rider of black horse</i>). Go on, + now's your chance! 'It him! (<i>The recipient of these counsels + pursues his antagonist, and belabours him and his horse with + impartial good-will until separated by the Umpires, who examine + the chalk-marks with a professional scrutiny.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i>. Here, you on the black horse, you mustn't + hit that other horse about the head. (<i>The man addressed + appears rebuked and surprised under his black-wired visor</i>; + The Judge, <i>reassuringly</i>.) It's all <i>right</i>, you + know; only, don't do it again, that's all! (<i>The Combatant + sits up again.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i>. Oh, I can't bear to look on, + really. I'm <i>sure</i> they oughtn't to hit so + hard—<i>how</i> their poor dear heads must ache! Isn't + that chestnut a <i>duck</i>? I'm sure he's trying to save his + master from getting hurt—they're such sensible creatures, + horses are! (<i>Artillery teams drive in, and gallop between + the posts; the Crowd going frantic with delight when the posts + remain upright, and roaring with laughter when one is knocked + over</i>.)</p> + + <h4>DURING THE MUSICAL RIDE.</h4> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i>. Oh, they're simply too + <i>sweet</i>! how those horses are enjoying it—aren't + they pets? and how perfectly they keep step to the music, don't + they?</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i> (<i>who is beginning to get a trifle tired + by her enthusiasm</i>). Yes; but then they're all trained by + Madame KATTI LANNER, of Drury Lane, you see.</p> + + <p><i>The G.L.</i> What pains she must have taken with them; + but you can teach a horse <i>anything</i>, can't you?</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i>. Oh, that's nothing; next year they're + going to have a horse who'll dance the Highland Fling.</p> + + <p><i>The Socialist</i>. A pretty sight? Cost a pretty sight o' + the People's money, I know that. Tomfoolery, that's what it is; + a set of dressed-up bullies dancin' quadrilles on 'orseback; + <i>that</i> ain't military manoeuvrin'. It's sickenin' the way + fools applaud such goins on. And cuttin off the Saracen's 'ed, + too; I'd call it plucky if the Saracen 'ad a gun in his 'and. + Bah, I ate the ole business!</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i>. Got anybody along with you, Mate?</p> + + <p><i>The Socialist</i>. No, I don't want anybody along with + <i>me</i>, I don't.</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i>. That's a pity, that is. A + sweet-tempered, pleasant-spoken party like you are oughtn't to + go about by yourself. You ought to bring somebody just to enjoy + your conversation. There don't seem to be anybody '<i>ere</i> + of your way of thinkin'.</p> + + <h4>DURING THE COMBINED DISPLAY.</h4> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i> (<i>as the Cyclist Corps enter</i>). + Oh, they've got a <i>dog</i> with them. Do look—such a + dear! See, they've tied a letter round his neck. He'll come + back with an answer presently. (<i>But, there being apparently + no answer to this communication, the faithful but prudent + animal does not re-appear</i>.)</p> + + <h4>AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.</h4> + + <p><i>The Inquisitive Child</i>. Uncle, which side won?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. I suppose the side that advanced across the + bridges.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. Which side <i>would</i> have won if it had + been a <i>real</i> battle?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. I really couldn't undertake to say, my + boy.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. But which do you <i>think</i> would have + won?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. I suppose the side that fought best.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. But which side was <i>that</i>? (<i>The</i> + Uncle <i>begins to find that the society of an intelligent</i> + Nephew <i>entails too severe a mental strain to be frequently + cultivated.</i>)</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> + + <h2>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday 23</i>.—Operatic world all agog to hear, and + to see, <i>Le Prophète</i>. First appearance for many + years. Great things expected of JEAN DE RESZKÉ as + <i>Jean of Leyden</i>, and Mlle. RICHARD as <i>Fides</i>. Great + expectations not disappointed. Scene in Cathedral magnificent + as a spectacle. But scene in Cathedral between JEAN and his + unhappy mother still grander as acting. <i>Le + Prophète</i> is remarkable too, as being an Opera + without Mlle. BAUERMEISTER in it. Skating scene, with a nice + ballet, rather a frost. "Not sufficient go in it," observes + veteran Opera-goer, with book in his hand, dated eighteen + hundred and sixty something, containing a cast of characters + which, he says, though he doesn't show me the book, comprises + the names of MARIO, GRISI, VIARDOT-GARCIA, and HERR FORMES. A + more veterany veteran tells me that GRISI and VIARDOT never + played together in this, but that GRISI succeeded VIARDOT as + <i>Fides</i>.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/5-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-1.png" + alt="" /></a>MONDAY, JUNE 23.<br /> + Jean de Reszké as Jean of Leyden. Jeanne The Risky + as Sarah d'Arc. + </div> + + <p>Even the veteran is pleased, and acknowledges that thirty + years ago they couldn't have done it as they do now, barring + the skating scene, where, he insists upon it, the original "go" + is wanting. The fact is, we have long passed the days when + "rinking" was a novelty on the stage or off it. But what a + jolly lot these Anabaptists were! They enjoyed themselves with + their dancing-girls and their picnicking on the ice. Substitute + General BOOTH for <i>Jean of Leyden</i>, and the tambourine + girls for PALLADINO and the ballet, and then you have a modern + version of <i>Le Prophète</i>.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/5-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-2.png" + alt="" /></a> Mlle. Richard as Fides,—not Boney + Fides. + </div> + + <p>Delightful to see M. MIRANDA as one of the three + Anabaptists, <i>Mathisen</i> (a good name in the city, with + only a letter changed), striking a sixteenth century flint, for + the purpose of lighting a candle, but, failing in the attempt, + compelled to destroy sixteenth-century illusion, and employ, in + a sneaking kind of way, the nineteenth-century match, which + strikes only on its own box. Mlle. NUOVINA, not so good here as + in the part of <i>Marguerite</i>, but there is very little for + a soprano to do. JEAN reckless in the final drinking song.</p> + + <p>The voice of DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS is heard at the wings. + The stage-manager's assistant is evidently nervous, and the + curtain, after once going up a little way and coming down + again, ascends suddenly, in spite of adjuration of DRURIOLANUS + to "Wait! wait!" No hitch, and in another moment DRURIOLANUS, + calm, but with suppressed emotion, is watching the scene from + the front.</p> + + <p>"Ah," he murmurs to himself, "if I could only get Guildhall + to do what I like in on that Ninth, of November when I shall be + Lord Mayor. I'd soon show 'em what's what. I'd have a + coronation, or investiture, scene to which this should be mere + child's play."</p> + + <p>EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ excellent as + <i>Zacharias</i>—a, name chiefly associated with one of + Lieutenant COLE'S characters, a Mawworm who looks over the + screen; and M. MONTARIOL good as a lighter-hearted Anabaptist. + A memorable revival.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—<i>Les Huguenots</i>. Return of Mlle. + BAUERMEISTER after one night's absence. + <i>Wednesday.—Carmen</i>, as before.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—<i>Rigoletto</i>. Fine house to hear + this Opera. <i>Le Prince s'amuse</i>. The Princess also. Mlle. + MELBA excellent; should be known as "Her Grace." M. LASSALLE, + not ideal Jester, physically, but, vocally, never was + <i>Rigoletto</i> better. Signor VALERO a good Ducal tenor: he + scores a treble—(a thing to be done in whist and + music)—<i>i.e.</i>, treble <i>encore</i> for "<i>La Donna + è Mobile</i>." Madame SCALCHI, of course, good as usual, + and Signor MIRANDA (why not FERDINAND MIRANDA, and be + thoroughly Shakspearian at once?) energetic as + <i>Monterone</i>. FERDINAND MIRANDA always conscientious actor. + Not last, but quite the least, comes Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER, + as <i>Giovanna</i>, without whom no Opera at Covent Garden can + be considered as really complete. This is the only defect + on</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>, in <i>Le Prophète</i>, which is + given again and again—no part for Mlle. + BAUERMEISTERSINGER. Every place in the House taken. Profit here + and Loss for those who can't get seats to hear it. Great + excitement to know whether DRURIOLANUS is elected Sheriff or + not. Early in the evening contradictory rumours in Lobby. At + last the numbers are up. DRURIOLANUS elected. Uncommonly well + he will look in his robes of office. DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS + COUNTI-COUNCILARIUS SHERIFFUS! All hail!</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Cannot be present. Have telegraphed + to DRURIOLANUS,—"Dear Sheriff, cannot come; but don't + close House; let Opera go on as usual." I believe it did.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SARAH JEANNE AT HIS MAYERJESTY'S.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/5-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-3.png" + alt="" /></a>Sarah Jeanne explains symbolically to + rude English soldier that he must "hook it." + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/5-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-4.png" + alt="" /></a>Back View of New Sarah Jeanne overcoat + for race meetings. + </div> + + <p>SARAH JEANNE of Arc. SARAH wrapt up in the visionary + creation is comparatively lost in the part; that is, until she + comes out magnificently in the last scene but one. Otherwise, + except to look the Martyr, and to languish, nothing much for + SARAH to do. Cathedral scene here rivals that at Covent Garden. + SARAH wins and thrills the audience: her voice soothes them in + their most ruffled humour, even after the audience has been + kept waiting nearly twenty-five minutes between the Acts. + Everyone disappointed that the funeral pile does not catch + fire, and that the Curtain does not descend on a sensational + scene, for which Captain SHAW and his Merry Men would have to + be in attendance. The cast good all round, but it's more of an + Opera, or a religious play, than a Melodrama. GOUNOD'S music + not particularly striking, and the March sounds familiar. SARAH + JEANNE holds the audience spell-bound to the end, rather by + what she doesn't than by what she does, except in the great + scene already mentioned. <i>Jeanne d'Arc</i> is to run on till + further notice, and then Madame SARAH will appear in some of + her well-known parts, and take a temporary farewell of the + British Public. To those who have hitherto neglected + opportunities of seeing SARAH JEANNE let this notice be a + warning, and let them in their thousands hurry up to His + Mayerjesty's.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"CAN WORMS SEE?"—<i>Vide St. James's Gazette</i> and + <i>Field</i>. Correspondent says worms do not shrink from + candle-light, but immediately withdraw under the glare of a + bull's-eye lantern. Evidently for exact information, "Ask a + Policeman." Also consult Baron DE WORMS. He sees his way about + well enough.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/6.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A PRACTICAL MEMENTO.</h3> + + <p><i>Sir James</i>. "AND WERE YOU IN ROME?"</p> + + <p><i>American Lady</i>. "I GUESS NOT." (<i>To her + Daughter</i>.) "SAY, BELLA, DID WE VISIT ROME?"</p> + + <p><i>Fair Daughter</i>. "WHY, MA, CERT'NLY! DON'T YOU + REMEMBER? IT WAS IN ROME WE BOUGHT THE LISLE-THREAD + STOCKINGS!"</p> + + <p>[<i>American Lady is convinced</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"IN TROUBLE."</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Three Men in a Boat!" And you don't often see</p> + + <p class="i2">Pair oars and their cox. in a nastier + fix.</p> + + <p>They started all right, did this nautical Three,</p> + + <p class="i2">But they've managed to get in no end of a + mix.</p> + + <p>That Steersman, he thought a good deal of his + Stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And there seemed scarce a steadier + oarsman than Bow,</p> + + <p>But they must have got "skylarking." Ah! it's no + joke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the question is what are they going + to do now?</p> + + <p>For danger's a-head, and 'twill tax all their + skill</p> + + <p>To avoid a capsize and a horrible spill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What can they be up to? a gazer might say,</p> + + <p class="i2">As he watched their eccentric career from + the banks.</p> + + <p>Three 'ARRIES at large on a Bank Holiday</p> + + <p class="i2">Could hardly indulge in more blundering + pranks.</p> + + <p>Stroke "catches a crab" in the clumsiest style,</p> + + <p class="i2">(And they called him a fine finished + oarsman, this chap!)</p> + + <p>At his "Catherine-wheeler" a Cockney might + smile,</p> + + <p class="i2">As he tumbles so helplessly back in Bow's + lap.</p> + + <p>And Bow!—well, he's snapped off the blade of + his scull,</p> + + <p>And poor Cox's steering-gear's all "in a mull."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's all that Stroke's fault—so the whisper + goes round.</p> + + <p class="i2">He <i>would</i> try new dodges, + uncalled-for, unproved,</p> + + <p>They were "going great guns," when he suddenly + found</p> + + <p class="i2">That, to make himself Champion (and get + himself loved</p> + + <p>By the river-side "Bungs" and their large + <i>clientèle</i>),</p> + + <p class="i2">He must—set a new stroke in the + midst of a spin—</p> + + <p>A policy plainly predestined to fail,</p> + + <p class="i2">And one, we must own, scarce deserving to + win.</p> + + <p>And so he has smashed up a shining success,</p> + + <p>And got himself into a deuce of a mess.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So various voices! And this was the oar</p> + + <p class="i2">They triumphantly won from a great rival + crew;</p> + + <p>The cool-headed, steady-nerved Stroke, bound to + score;</p> + + <p class="i2">The fellow who funking or failure ne'er + knew.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> hurry, or falter, catch crabs, miss, or + muff?</p> + + <p class="i2">No, no; lesser men might—say, + GL-DST-NE or SM-TH—</p> + + <p>But <i>he</i> was not made of such common-place + stuff,</p> + + <p class="i2">His nerve was all steel, and his muscle + all pith.</p> + + <p>And now he's adrift amidst snags, stumps, and + rooks,</p> + + <p>And the Coxswain has just lost his rudder—poor + Cox.!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And danger's ahead, and the full of the weir</p> + + <p class="i2">Sounds close, as that Stroke tumbles + "head over tip."</p> + + <p>No wonder poor Bow, his oar bladeless, looks + queer.</p> + + <p class="i2">No wonder the Steersman his yoke-lines + lets slip.</p> + + <p>The Three are "In Trouble," of that there's no + doubt;</p> + + <p class="i2">Stroke mutters, "Obstruction!" Bow talks + of "a foul."</p> + + <p>But when you have muffed it, and foes are about,</p> + + <p class="i2">It isn't much use at bad fortune to + growl.</p> + + <p>No; Stroke, Bow, and Coxswain must "go it like + bricks,"</p> + + <p>If they mean to get out of this troublesome fix.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ERRATUM.—<i>Mr. Punch</i> last week paid the Notts' + Cricketer, GUNN, a well-deserved compliment on his great + innings of 228 against the Australians. He <i>intended</i> to + represent him as piling-up that huge score "against the best + bowling." The obviously accidental substitution of the word + "batting" for "bowling" here, caused "the Nottingham Giant" to + be credited with a novel cricketing performance, to which even + <i>he</i> would hardly be equal. The proverbial Irish gun that + could "shoot round a corner," would not be "in it" with a GUNN + who could "bat against batting!" As a Correspondent (in + slightly different words) suggests:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"When a Champion Batsman's performance + extolling,</p> + + <p>'Tis well to distinguish, 'twixt batting and + bowling!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.—According to <i>Mr. Punch's</i> + sharp contemporary, the <i>Lancet</i>, the effect of + bagpipe-playing upon the teeth is to blunt them; in fact, in + course of time, to wear them away. To the auditor the music has + a contrary effect. <i>Mr. Punch</i> is able to say, from + experience, that he has never listened to the National + instrument of Grand Old Scotland without having his teeth set + on edge.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/7.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"IN TROUBLE."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/9.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/9.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HINTS FOR THE PARK.</h3>WHY NOT HAVE SOMETHING OF THIS + SORT? IT WOULD AT LEAST MAKE THINGS LESS MONOTONOUS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TOUTING FOR TOURISTS.</h2> + + <h3>TO THE EDITOR</h3> + + <h4><i>Of any Paper that inserts Gratuitous + Advertisements.</i></h4> + + <p>SIR,—Kindly contradict the rumour, which I find is + widely spread and appears to be credited in some quarters, that + an extensive sewage farm has been established in front of the + most fashionable terrace in Slushborough-on-Sea, and that a + Smallpox Hospital is about to be built upon the Pier. + "Salubrious Slushborough" still continues (in spite of the + machinations of jealous Northbourne) to be the most select, + popular, and healthy resort on the British coasts.</p> + + <p>Yours disinterestedly, THE MAYOR OF SLUSHBOROUGH.</p> + + <p>SIR,—A report (proceeding, I have reason, to believe, + from ill-conditioned residents at Slushborough) is being + disseminated to the effect, that the water-supply of + Northbourne is largely tainted with typhus and diphtheria + germs, and that an epidemic is already ravaging this place. As + a matter of fact, the only case of illness of any kind in this + town at present is a patient brought over from Slushborough in + the last stage of blood-poisoning, owing to the defective + drainage system there, and who, in this salubrious and + invigorating atmosphere, is now rapidly recovering.</p> + + <p>I remain, Yours &c., THE MAYOR OF NORTHBOURNE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—In view of the correspondence with regard to the + present condition of our popular seaside resorts, it will, I + feel sure, interest your readers to learn that an examination + of the air of Whitecliffe lately made by a local analyst, + reveals the fact that it contains <i>fifty-five per cent. more + ozone than is to be found on the top of Mont Blanc!</i> I + publish this piece of intelligence purely in the interests of + science, and as I am writing I may perhaps take the opportunity + to mention that apartments here are both good and reasonable, + and the bathing first-rate. The same analyst incidentally + discovered that the air at Chorkstone is largely laden with + poisonous bacteria.</p> + + <p>Yours truly, THE MAYOR OF WHITECLIFFE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—At this time of year, when our glorious Lees are + in the full radiance of their summer beauty, it becomes a mere + act of Christian duty to warn intending holiday-makers to avoid + Whitecliffe, and to select Chorkstone as their place of sojourn + instead. An eminent local medical man asserts that morbiferous + germs exist to a very dangerous degree in the Whitecliffe + atmosphere, and that the Whitecliffe water is rendered almost + solid by the multitude of bacilli it contains. Another + Chorkstone resident, who lately visited Whitecliffe, found the + air so relaxing that he fainted away, and had it not been for + the kindness of the landlord of a certain hotel, who had him + carried out of his bar and driven off in a trap to his own + home, he believes he would have succumbed! Comment is + needless.</p> + + <p>Yours impartially, THE MAYOR OF CHORKSTONE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—There is not the slightest foundation for the + ridiculous <i>canard</i> as to the inhabitants of this + picturesque and abnormally fashionable town being "in a state + of complete panic, owing to the fact that all the convicts + recently confined at Shortland have broken out, and are + indulging in frightful excesses in the neighbourhood." The + convicts have <i>not</i> broken out; but an epidemic of + gratuitous mendacity has done so, it appears.</p> + + <p>Yours indignantly, THE MAYOR OF CURDSMOUTH.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Have you heard about the sanitary state of + Shutmouth? Shocking!</p> + + <p>SIR,—As I hear that it is rumoured that M. PASTEUR has + discovered an entirely new and most dangerous kind of bacillus + in the neighbourhood of pine-trees, perhaps I may mention, in + order to reassure our myriads of intending summer visitors, + that the death-rate at this town is one in ten thousand, and + that we should have had <i>no death-rate at all last week</i>, + if the one person referred to had not met with an unfortunate + accident. All the Shutmouth doctors are starving.</p> + + <p>Yours, THE MAYOR OF SHUTMOUTH.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Ought not something to be done to check the + mortality at Curdsmouth? It is disgraceful!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>To the Right Wheel, Barrow!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>CAINE'S action shakes the Unionists' dominion;</p> + + <p class="i2">Against it piteous appeals seem vain;</p> + + <p>But 'tis, in his late colleagues' pained + opinion,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Not</i> "the nice conduct of a clouded + CAINE!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <h2>"THE SEA! THE SEA!"</h2> + + <h3>A BUSINESS-LIKE BALLAD.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Penned by Mr. Punch on behalf of "Nobody's + Boys."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"We propose soon to take our rescued Street-Arabs for 'A + Fortnight's Holiday under Canvas'—<i>by the sea, if + possible."—Appeal of Mr. J.W.C. Fegan, of the Boys' + Home, Southwark</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/10.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Thalatta! Thalatta</i>! Not XENOPHON'S Greeks, O + benevolent Public, but "Nobody's Boys,"</p> + + <p>Wild Arabs of London, by tenderness tamed, at the + sight of the sea vent exuberant joys</p> + + <p>In vociferous shoutings! Imagine the rapture of + wrecks from the gutter and waifs from the slum,</p> + + <p>When first on their ears falls the jubilant thrill + of the sky-soaring lark, or the wild bee's low hum!</p> + + <p>Imagine the pleasure of plunging at will into June's + leafy copses of hazel and lime,</p> + + <p>Of scudding through acres of grasses knee-high, and + of snuffing the fragrance of clover and thyme.</p> + + <p>But what is all this to the dumb-stricken wonder, + swift followed by outbursts of full-throated glee,</p> + + <p>Which fancy can picture, when London's pale outcasts + from some grassy cliff catch first sight of the + Sea!</p> + + <p><i>Thalatta! Thalatta</i>! There's many a lad who + has never before had a glimpse of the wave;</p> + + <p>For these are of those who, from London's dark + wastes 'tis the aim of their leaders to rescue and + save.</p> + + <p>"Nobody's Boys," the lost waifs of the city, + foredoomed, but for aid, to debasement and crime,</p> + + <p>Possible gallows-birds,—they with wan faces + late cleansed from the rookery's hideous grime,</p> + + <p>Snatched from the gutter whilst boyhood bears hope + with it, gathered and tended with vigilant care.</p> + + <p>Servants of soul-thrift their volunteer champions! + Weeds of the slum, with fresh soil and sweet air,</p> + + <p>Grow into grace and fair fruitage. These pariahs, + "Southwark Boys," strays from the slime-sodden + east,</p> + + <p>FEGAN takes forth in gay troops to the meadows, in + freshness of nature to frolic and feast,</p> + + <p>Climb in the woodlands and plunge in the waters, + ramble and scramble through tangle-hedged lanes,</p> + + <p>Fish in the pools with youth's primitive tackle, + breathe quickening vigour through bosoms and + brains.</p> + + <p>Picture the boys "camping out" on the commons, and + gipsying gaily in tents midst the heather,</p> + + <p>Armed with their canvas and blankets and boilers and + pannikins well against hunger and weather.</p> + + <p>Picture them—CALLOT'S free brush might have + managed it—gathered in pow-wow around the + camp-fire,</p> + + <p>Sun-tanned and wind-browned, in picturesque raiment, + with wisp of the wild hop or trail of the briar</p> + + <p>Hat-wreathed or button-holed. BURNS should have sung + of them; trim-skirted Muse, with punctilious + tastes,</p> + + <p>Were not at home with these waifs from the rookery, + pastured at large in free Nature's wild wastes,</p> + + <p>Bounding, and breathing fresh air, romping, + wrestling, and disciplined only to cleanness and + order.</p> + + <p>Otherwise free as the tent-dwelling Arabs, or + outlaws of Sherwood, or bands of the Border.</p> + + <p>Picture it! FEGAN'S pink pamphlet <i>has</i> + pictured it. Read it, all lovers of Nature and + youth,</p> + + <p>All who have care for the wrecks of humanity, all + who are moved by the spirit of ruth.</p> + + <p>Ere Spring returns, far Canadian homesteads will + house their contingents of "Nobody's Boys."</p> + + <p>Let them take with them kind thoughts of Old + England, and memories sweet of its rare rural joys.</p> + + <p>Let them "camp out" once again, by the ocean, and + plunge in the billow, and rove on the sands;</p> + + <p>Know the true British brine-whiff by experience. + Help, British Public, their friends' kindly hands.</p> + + <p>Good is the work, and the fruit of it excellent; + giving poor wastrels a fair start in life,</p> + + <p>Taste of true pleasure, and wholesome enjoyment, aid + in endeavour, and strength for the strife.</p> + + <p>What better use for spare cash at this season? Come + then, <i>Punch</i> readers, right willingly come!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i> knows scarce a cause more + deserving, or worthy of aid, than the Southwark Boys' + Home!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Mem</i>.—Mr. J.W.C. FEGAN, of the Boys' Home, + Southwark, the writer of the pleasant pamphlet entitled + <i>Camping Out</i>, makes appeal towards the expenses of giving + "a fortnight's holiday under canvas—<i>by the sea, if + possible</i>"—to the waifs and strays in Mr. FEGAN'S + Homes. To that gentleman, and NOT to <i>Mr. Punch</i>, + subscriptions should be sent. Remittances may be made to him + (by P.O.O., payable at General Post-Office, or by cheque + crossed "London and County Bank") at the Boys' Home, 95, + Southwark Street, London, S.E.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June 23</i>.—A gleam of + glory in sombre chamber of the Peers; a thin streak of red + making its devious way between the table and the Benches. At + the head comes Black Rod, giving some relief to the glittering + spectacle; Garter King-at-Arms, without whom British + Constitution would be a vain thing, follows. Then the Prince of + WALES, looking a trifle anxious; is bringing out his son and + heir to take his place in the hereditary chamber; anxious that + all should go well. Next the new Duke of CLARENCE, looking very + well in his new Peer's robes, on which his fair mother, seated + with her daughter in side galleries, casts approving glance. + Then the Duke of EDINBURGH, with the stalwart Hereditary Grand + Marshal, Jockey o' Norfolk, and Aveland, Lord Great + Chamberlain.</p> + + <p>Procession strolled in in quite casual way; passed Woolsack + to which HALSBURY lent grace and dignity; New Peer handed his + credentials to LOBD CHANCELLOR; but HALSBURY, above all things, + man of cautious habits. No doubt everything was right and in + order; presence of Prince of WALES guarantee of it; but + HALSBURY not to be taken in. All very well, but all in due + order. So new Peer taken charge of by the Reading Clerk; + Procession moved on to table; documents mumbled over; oath + taken; roll signed. New Peer turned to look at LORD CHANCELLOR; + decidedly more friendly; haughty, forbidding, distrustful look, + vanished from his ordinarily genial countenance. Young Peer + encouraged to venture on friendly nod; LORD CHANCELLOR in + response, lifted three-cornered hat, and on replacing it, was + observed to cock it slightly on one side. Procession now moved + on towards doorway by side of Throne, where was set three + chairs.</p> + + <p>"A little slow isn't it, Sir," said Duke of CLARENCE to + H.R.H.; "suppose we sit down here a bit; Black Rod will go and + fetch us a flagon of Malmsey wine; am told they always keep a + butt on the premises for stray Dukes."</p> + + <p>"No Malmsey for you, CLARENCE," said the Gracious Parent; + "but if you'd like to sit down a moment, you may."</p> + + <p>So new Peer sat in middle chair, Father and Uncle anxiously + regarding him. LORD CHANCELLOR slewed round on Woolsack to see + what was going on behind him. New Peer, making himself quite at + home, put on hat; finding LORD CHANCELLOR staring at him, + uplifted it; LORD CHANCELLOR did same with his. Duke tried + it</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/11.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/11.png" + alt="" /></a><i>From Report of Debate on Hares + Preservation Bill, June 26</i>.—"They (the other + Members of Parliament) could not go out and kill 300 + Dodos,"—but evidently <i>he</i> (Sir W.V. + HARCOURT) could, and here he is—caught in the + act! + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <p>again; LORD CHANCELLOR, comically half turned round on the + Woolsack, followed suit.</p> + + <p>"Do it a third time, CLARENCE," whispered H.R.H., entering + into fun of thing. So the new Peer, always with his eyes + gravely fixed on LORD CHANCELLOR, who, in the excitement of the + moment, had got his left leg cocked over the Woolsack, did it a + third time; LORD CHANCELLOR did the same; Princesses in the + Gallery sweetly smiling; Garter King-at-Arms totting off the + number of salutes; and Black Rod thanking his stars that + presently, when they left the House, he could walk face + forward, not as when he visited the Commons, walking backward + like a crab.</p> + + <p>"I think that'll do," said H.R.H. "HALSBURY is in very + uncomfortable attitude; besides this is a sort of game that + palls after the third round. Go and say good-bye to HALSBURY, + and we'll go and have a cup of tea with your mother."</p> + + <p>Procession reformed; New Peer led up to Woolsack, where LORD + CHANCELLOR, with little gesture of surprise, as if he had only + now caught sight of him for first time, shook hands with him. + Prince of Wales lifted his cap to LORD CHANCELLOR; LORD + CHANCELLOR lifted his cap to Prince of WALES; the other Princes + followed suit; Black Rod toddled off; and the gay and gorgeous + procession disappeared through the doorway, leaving the Chamber + in sudden twilight, as if the sun had dipped below the + horizon.</p> + + <p>An exceedingly friendly meeting all round; quite + contagious.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/12-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-1.png" + alt="" /></a>"Toby, M.P., I presume?" + </div> + + <p>"TOBY, M.P., I presume?" said BROADHURST, as I walked out. + He had been looking on, and had quite caught the graceful + manner of the LORD CHANCELLOR. I raised my hat three times, and + went on to the Commons, where there were wigs on the Green.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Commons, Compensation Clauses + withdrawn.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—TIM HEALY puts final spoke in wheel of + Compensation Bill. Rose after questions on paper disposed of, + and asked for ruling of SPEAKER on an important point affecting + Parliamentary Procedure. TIM'S manner boded ill for the + Government—deferential, low-voiced, with total absence of + self-assertion or aggression, TIM stood, the very model of a + modest young man.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said Prince ARTHUR, "but I hope he's not going to + say anything about Irish business. When he's in this mood, I + prefer he should address himself to my dear friend JOKIM."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/12-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-2.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Right Hon. A. Balfour</i>. "My dearest + Tim, 'for this relief much thanks!'" + </div> + + <p>TIM had anticipated Prince ARTHUR'S wishes. It <i>was</i> + about Compensation Bill that he desired to consult SPEAKER. + JOKIM, as last turn in devious course, had proposed to dodge + difficulty about Compensation by accumulating proceeds of + increased till some indefinite period, when great reform of + Licensing should be introduced. "But," says TIM, almost begging + pardon for interposing, "in Budget Bill it has been + specifically decreed that proceeds of tax should be + appropriated during present Session." Accumulation, TIM urged, + with a vague notion that he was dropping into poetry, is not + Appropriation. SPEAKER agreed with him: consternation on + Treasury Bench; Ministers tried to put bold face on affairs; + could not discuss question now; would do so by-and-by; + confident they could show there was nothing in TIM'S objection. + An hour later, when time came to resume Committee on + Compensation Bill, OLD MORALITY announced that it would be + postponed to give Ministers opportunity to consider point + suggested by TIM. Shout of exultation went up from Opposition + Benches: prolonged fight had been won at last; the obnoxious + Bill was floored, and TIM had done it.</p> + + <p>OLD MORALITY, standing at table in attitude where natural + nobility of character struggled with accidental depression, + said: "Success, Mr. SPEAKER, is a mark no mortal wit of surest + hand can always hit. For whatsoe'er we perpetrate, we do but + row; we are steered by fate, which in success often + disinherits, for spurious causes, noblest merits. Great + occasions, Mr. SPEAKER, are not always true sons of great and + mighty resolutions, nor, I may add, do the boldest attempts + bring forth events still equal to their worth. That may be the + case with us; but at least we shall carry to our homes the + consciousness that we have diligently striven to do our duty to + our QUEEN and our country." General cheering at this little + speech, and scarcely dry eye on Treasury Bench.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Compensation Bill in fresh + difficulties.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Sitting remarkable for two speeches + from ordinarily silent Members. Began and ended proceedings. + First was by WHARTON, on presenting petition signed by over + half a million persons in favour of Compensation Clauses of + Licensing Bill. Petition brought down in three cases by + PICKFORD'S van. Conveniently disposed on floor of House; + occupied the whole space. Perturbation on Treasury Bench at the + report that there was Royal Commission going forward in other + House. Time of the Session when these are frequent. Black Rod + arrives; requests attendance of Members to hear Commission + read. Advances towards table, bowing to chair; retires + backward; SPEAKER follows him. How would it be to-day, with + floor blocked with towering cases? Black Rod an old sailor, + might haul himself up hand-over-hand, and skip across tops of + cases; but never do for the SPEAKER so to scramble out. Hasty + and anxious inquiry made. Turned out to be no Royal Commission + to-day; so new disaster for Ministers avoided.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/12-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-3.png" + alt="" /></a>A Maiden Speech. + </div> + + <p>WHARTON succeeds somehow when presenting Petition in casting + sort of Cathedral Close air over proceedings. Life-long + association with cathedrals and their precincts have invested + him with placid charm of manner: would have made an excellent + Dean; gone off capitally as a Canon; now, as he waves his hand + towards the space lately crowded by the Petition, wears subtle, + indescribable, but unmistakable air, as if he were taking part + in a Confirmation Service.</p> + + <p>The other orator, GRIMSTON, considerably less ecclesiastical + in his manner. Appeared suddenly on scene at midnight: maiden + speech; very effective. "Mr. COURTNEY, Sir," he said, + diffidently hiding his hands in his trousers' pockets, "I claim + the indulgence the House always extends to young Members, in + rising to address it for the first time. I beg to move that the + question be now put," Question put accordingly; debate + Closured, and so home.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Quite a lot. Licensing Clauses + finally dropped; Allotments Bill read Third Time; Barracks Bill + through Committee.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Police in possession of House to-night. + MATTHEWS moved Second Reading of Bill dealing with Force. Quite + unusual consensus of approval, considering it is a Government + Bill. Only for GEORGE CAMPBELL, chorus would have been + unanimous. But GEORGE, looking in from Zanzibar, where he had + called after a brief trip through Jerusalem and Madagascar, + denounced the measure as "thoroughly bad." House thereupon + passed Second Reading without division.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Police Bill read Second + Time.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The Oof Bird" is the Auk, as <i>Cornhill Mag.</i> says its + eggs cost £170 apiece,—of course when fresh. What a + big lark!—Yours, 'ARRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> + +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 99, JULY 5, 1890***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 11726-h.txt or 11726-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/2/11726">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/2/11726</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution.</p> + + + +<pre> +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +<a href="https://gutenberg.org/license">https://gutenberg.org/license)</a>. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">https://www.gutenberg.org</a> + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +<a href="http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06">http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06</a> + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL">https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL</a> + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** +</pre> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/1.png b/old/11726-h/images/1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d5054f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/1.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/10.png b/old/11726-h/images/10.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf13230 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/10.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/11.png b/old/11726-h/images/11.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3af5d1a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/11.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/12-1.png b/old/11726-h/images/12-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fce18f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/12-1.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/12-2.png b/old/11726-h/images/12-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..21af272 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/12-2.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/12-3.png b/old/11726-h/images/12-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b11b0a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/12-3.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/2.png b/old/11726-h/images/2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f2547b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/2.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/3.png b/old/11726-h/images/3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e32fe0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/3.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/4.png b/old/11726-h/images/4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eed1af8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/4.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/5-1.png b/old/11726-h/images/5-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5040a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/5-1.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/5-2.png b/old/11726-h/images/5-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8b29433 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/5-2.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/5-3.png b/old/11726-h/images/5-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f33bcc --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/5-3.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/5-4.png b/old/11726-h/images/5-4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a6c1d74 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/5-4.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/6.png b/old/11726-h/images/6.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8833544 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/6.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/7.png b/old/11726-h/images/7.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f265b21 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/7.png diff --git a/old/11726-h/images/9.png b/old/11726-h/images/9.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b81b6ce --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726-h/images/9.png diff --git a/old/11726.txt b/old/11726.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ede13a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1697 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July +5, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 5, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 27, 2004 [eBook #11726] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 99, JULY 5, 1890*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11726-h.htm or 11726-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/2/11726/11726-h/11726-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/2/11726/11726-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 99 + +JULY 5, 1890 + + + + + + +[Illustration: VOL. 99] + + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +We understand that careful observers have noted a considerable amount +of disturbance in the House of Commons during the past three weeks. +Various reasons have, as usual, been advanced to account for this +phenomenon, one eminent politician having gone so far as to hint +darkly at the existence of Cave-men (or Troglodytes), who dwell in +barrows. + + * * * * * + +The weather has been subject to strange variations. The mean +temperature of the isothermal lines, when reduced to fractions of +an infinitesimal value, has been found to correspond exactly to the +elevation of the nap on the hat of a certain sporting Earl. Dividing +that by the number of buttons on a costermonger's waistcoat, and +adding to the quotient the number of aspirates picked up in the Old +Kent Road on a Saturday afternoon, the result has been computed as +equal to the total amount of minutes occupied by a vendor of saveloys +in advertising his wares in the Pall Mall Clubs. + + * * * * * + +Candour is at times inconvenient. A prominent member of a Metropolitan +Vestry was informed two days ago by one of the permanent scavengers +of the district, that he "wasn't worth the price of a second-hand +boot-lace." On inquiring the meaning of this curious phrase, he was +told that "his blooming head would be knocked off for two-pence." +We understand that the Vestryman's vote on a question of salary is +responsible for the indignation of the scavenger, a member of a class +usually noted for their somewhat ceremonious courtesy. + + * * * * * + +Those who propose to travel this year will doubtless be glad to +learn that the Hessian fly has been observed in unusual abundance in +Westphalia. This succulent _morceau_ is now eaten fried, with a sauce +of devilled lentils and oil. + + * * * * * + +It appears, after all, that there is no very definite foundation +for the report that Sir EDWARD WATKIN is said to be disappointed in +the competitive designs sent in for his Tower, because none of them +provide sleeping accommodation for 2000 people on the top storey. Of +course something must have given rise to the rumour, but it is not +easy to say exactly what. One competitor has already, however, it +appears, intimated his readiness to make the required addition, by +hanging his beds over the side of the Tower on "extended poles." The +question is, "Would Sir WATKIN be able to induce his patrons 'to turn +in' under such conditions?" There's the rub. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +STANLEY'S _Darkest Africa_ (SAMPSON LOW) swamps all other books just +now, except, of course, the Other STANLEY book, called _A Light on +the Keep-it-Quite-the-Darkest Africa_ (TRISCHLER & Co.) which follows +closely at its heels. The real STANLEY narrative is most interesting +and exciting; it is a book that will make everyone "sit up"--at night +to read it. The centre of attraction is in the answer to the question, +"How did I find EMIN?" Which is, "Quite well, thank you." + +My faithful "Co." reports that he has been doing his duty nobly as +a novel-reader. He has already devoured Vol. III. of the _Man with +a Secret_. He would attack Vols. I. and II. if he had not had (so he +says) quite enough of the Man _and_ his Secret. _Innocent Victims_ is +written in the temperance interest. "Co." has every sympathy with the +cause of undiluted water, but fears that this "story of London Life +and Labour" may end in drink. He found it himself a little dry, and +was not cheered by the name of the author, HUGH DOWNE, which seemed +to suggest he could not get up again. He is eagerly waiting for more +fiction, as "_Expiation_" by OCTAVE THANET has scarcely satisfied his +craving for the weird and the horrible. In the meanwhile, he has found +a cheerful interlude in _Sanity and Insanity_, a text-book (written in +a popular yet scientific strain) of the maladies of the mind. He says, +that Dr. MERCIER, the author, is to be congratulated on having treated +a rather "jumpy" subject in a manner that can offend no one. "Co." had +no idea up to now, that "t'other was so like unto which." + +All the Magazines for July are in, but the Baron has been unable to +open them, and "Co." has cut them. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES. + +(_AFTER CHARLES KINGSLEY--AT A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE._) + + Dress well, sweet Maid, and let who will be _clever._ + Dance, flirt, and sing! + Don't study all day long. + Or else you'll find, + When other girls get married, + You'll sing a different song! + + * * * * * + +SAD NEWS FROM ETON.--"Bever" is dead. Sorrowing boys followed +the bier. The Bever-age has ceased to exist. What next? Will the +characteristic Etonian top-hat follow the Bever? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS FIRST ACHE. + +"OH, MAMMY! I'VE GOT SUCH A PAIN IN FRONT OF ME!"] + + * * * * * + +BEFORE BISLEY. + + SCENE--_Office of the Commanding Commander-in-Chief. The + C.C.-in-Chief discovered. To him enter H.R.H. GEORGE RANGER._ + +_H.R.H.G.R._ You sent for me, _Mr. Punch_. I beg pardon, I should say, +your Excellency? + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_severely_). Be careful, Sir, and remember in +whose presence you are! I believe about a month ago you asked for +subscriptions in aid of the National Rifle Association? + +_H.R.H.G.R._. Yes, _Mr. P_.--I should say, your Excellency. + +_C.C.-in C._ And I presume the N.R.A. have been put to very great +expense in changing from Wimbledon to Bisley? + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Yes, I am sorry to say so,--personally sorry. Although +the bullets may have played the mischief with the adjoining property, +still I think-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_severely_). We are not discussing Wimbledon now, Sir. +Am I right in assuming that the reason funds were requested was to put +Bisley in a proper condition for the reception of the Volunteers? + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Of course. I am sure I am the best friend of the +Volunteers, and-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_interrupting_). How comes it then that when the +Volunteers (whose own ranges are being closed all round London) ask +for permission to shoot at Bisley, they are told that they may not +have it, because "the range is required for the regular troops." + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Well, as Commander-in-Chief, of course I must consider +the Army, and as-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ President of the N.R.A., you should consider the +Volunteers--but you don't! Now see here, if I hear any more of this +sort of thing, I tell you frankly that-- + +[_Scene closes in, as the threat is too terrible for publication_.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +QUALIFIED RECOMMENDATION. + +"_A. Nobleman wishes particularly to recommend his Coachman, who is +leaving his service, solely owing to domestic changes_;" i.e., Having +been detected falsifying his stable accounts, and threatened in +consequence with prosecution, he retaliates by a menace to disclose +certain unpleasant family secrets, picked up in the servants' hall, +to a Society journal. + +TRADE EMBELLISHMENTS. + +"_If applied but once gently with the palm of the hand, it will afford +the sufferer delightful and instantaneous relief_;" i.e., It at once +removes the skin, and if rubbed in with vigour will flay a horse. + +PLATFORMULARS. + +"_I feel that I have already trespassed upon your patience, and +detained you an unconscionable time_;" i.e., "Your attention seems +flagging. I want a moment or two for reflection, and a cue to go on +again." + + * * * * * + +THE RACK OF THE RATE-PAYER. + +(_BY A VICTIM OF "QUINQUENNIAL VALUATION."_) + + "Parochial Authorities have a way of their own in interpreting + Acts of Parliament, and a very peculiar way indeed of dealing + with the Valuation Act.... Overseers go their own way, and + interpret the Act according to their knowledge and experience; + and in many cases experience is lacking, and knowledge an + altogether unknown quantity.... When dealing with leasehold + property, overseers positively revel in the most delightful + caprice. The leaseholder's property is dealt with kindly or + the reverse, just as it is in this or that parish."--_James's + Gazette_. + + Tennyson talks of "gay quinquenniads." Yes, + But he would mention them with less elation + If he had my experience, I guess, + Of the _not_ gay Quinquennial Valuation! + I am not now so young as once I was, + I have arrived at the Golosh and Gamp Age, + I am not equal to contend--that's poz-- + With the Parochial Fathers on the rampage. + Ah me, these Vestry vultures on the pounce! + They scare me, skin me, bully me, and bilk me. + Soon of my flesh they'll scarce have left an ounce, + They so persistently maul, mulct, and milk me. + Once in five years they send me papers blue, + And papers white, and likewise papers yellow; + They "want to know, you know," indeed they do. + First the "First Clerk," a devil of a fellow! + Challenges me to up and tell him all + About gross value, also value rateable. + It's all pure fudge. I am their helpless thrall, + To an extent in civil speech unstateable. + They will not take _my_ word. If I appeal, + They hale me up before a stern Committee, + Fellows with brazen faces, hearts of steel, + And destitute of manners as of pity. + My solemn statement, or my mild demur, + To them a subject of fierce scorn and scoff is; + An honest citizen feels but a cur + When snapped and snarled at by these Jacks-in-Office. + They're sure to have the pull of me somehow; + Oh! I've read "Handbooks." I've attended Meetings + Where angry ratepayers raise fruitless row; + But, bless you, these bold roarings turn to bleatings, + When they the cruel inquisition face + Of some austere Committee of Assessment. + Until I found myself in that dread place + I never knew what fogged and foiled distress meant. + Between them and my Landlord I've no peace. + I'm honest, but they treat me as "a wrong one." + I'm a Shopkeeper, holding a short lease + (My Landlord takes good care it's not a long one). + Once in seven years the Landlord lifts my Rent, + And once in five my Rates the Assessor raises, + Values, Gross, Rateable, so much per cent.? + Bah! the attempt to fathom them but crazes! + The only regular rule is--Up! Up! Up! + And any protest only brings upon you + Your Landlord's wrath, and cheek from some sleek pup, + Who bullies you; and laughs when he has done you. + "Pay and look pleasant," is the official rule, + And as to wife and child, and food and raiment, + You _may_ attend to them, poor drudging fool! + When of your Rent and Rates you've made full payment. + Yes, Rent and Rates! they are the modern gods, + And Moloch's tyranny was not more cruel. + With Landlord or with Vestry get at odds, + And you're gone coon; they'll soon give you your gruel. + Just now Vestrydom's victims are a-howl + With rage at skinning; but their indignation + Will fade, and they will feed the Official Ghoul + Until the next Quinquennial Valuation. + And then--well, Lord knows what may happen _then_, + Unless--unless--and that is most improbable-- + Ratepayers rise _together_--show they're men, + And not mere sheep gregarious, warm-fleeced, robbable. + Meanwhile the Vestry Vultures gorge their fill, + And I am warned--by friends--"_Don't put their backs up!_" + _Their_ backs! And we sing "_Rule Britannia_" still!! + Will _no one_ chaw these fine official Jacks up? + + * * * * * + +THE KREUTZER SONATA. + + One _Pozdnisheff_ by name + Played the matrimonial game; + Pleased by a little curl, + Which round his heart did twirl, + And taken by a jersey + (Exported from the Mersey); + He felt, poor man, half-witted + When he saw how well it fitted! + + The mother, with her jersey-clad young daughter, + Asked the lover to a party on the water. + Soft things he now could say + To the maiden all the way, + Till she caught him--who imagined he had caught her! + + Now there came a young musician, _Troukachevsky_, + Who, at Petersburg, resided on the Nevsky; + And to play with him the flighty wife was fated + In the famed duet to KREUTZEE dedicated. + + The husband who perceived things were not right, + Home suddenly returned at dead of night. + His boots he'd taken off; + He was careful not to cough; + And his plans so well were woven, + That they still performed Beethoven. + But, neither being deaf, + They at last heard _Pozdnisheff_. + Poor wife! He so affrights her, + That she plays no more the _Kreutzer_. + + If on each foot he'd had a slipper + To Troukachevsky (who was saved) + The husband would have p'rhaps behaved + Much in the style of Jack the Ripper. + He put to flight the dilettante + (Who hadn't finished half the _andante_), + But feared the servants' mockings + Should they see him in his stockings, + Racing along the corridor:-- + Not that he thought it horrid, or + Harsh to transfix him with a dagger, + (He could not bear the fiddler's swagger), + But felt quite sure so droll a figure + Would make his rude domestics snigger. + + And now his wife cries out for mercy + (No more she wears that fetching jersey); + And all in vain she pity claims: + The dagger ruthlessly he aims, + And through the whale-bone of her corset + Tries unsuccessfully to force it. + At last he feels that he's succeeded, + A little more than p'rhaps was needed. + Ah, that by taking out the knife + He now could bring her back to life! + + 'Twas his habit, when he got into a pet, + Invariably to light a cigarette; + And, having killed his wife, he never spoke + One word until he'd had a quiet smoke. + + When he saw that it was time, he called a p'liceman, + And exclaimed, "Oh, I have broken the Tsar's peace, man. + I've killed my wife!--I did it in a fury-- + But I wish the matter brought before a jury." + And the jury, after hearing all the case, + Said, "Not Guilty. We'd have done it in his place." + And he lately, in a Russian railway carriage, + Told Count TOLSTOI all the story of his marriage. + + * * * * * + +"The Law of Arms is such."--Mr. Punch greatly regrets that he was +unable to be present at the Annual Inspection of the Inns of Court +Volunteers, when members were requested to "show every article of +equipment and clothing of which they were in possession." No doubt +the exhibition was as interesting as imposing. It is rumoured that +the display of wigs and gowns (worn in Court) and lawn-tennis blazers +(used in the Temple Gardens) was absolutely magnificent. It is further +reported that the large collection of go-to-meeting hats, frock-coats, +and patent-leather boots extorted universal admiration from all +beholders. To his sorrow, a prior engagement prevented Mr. A. +BRIEFLESS Junior, (who is an Hon. Member of the Corps), from putting +in an appearance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROPOSED NATIONAL GALLERY OF BRITISH ART IN DANGER. + +_Mr. Henry Tate_. "NO, THANK YOU, MR. RED TAPE, I DON'T WANT MY GIFTS +TO THE NATION TO BE TIED UP BY _YOU_, THEN PACKED AWAY, AND NEVER SEEN +AGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + +WHAT IT WILL COME TO; + +OR, THE COURT, THE CHASE, AND THE CURSE. + + "Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS used some strong language yesterday in + reference to the small room in which he was called upon to + administer Justice while the Worship Street Police Court is + being renovated."--_Evening Paper_. + + SCENE--_A small apartment in a Metropolitan Police Court_. + Presiding Magistrate _and_ Clerk _discovered_. + +_Presiding Magistrate_. There! You and I can sit here, and the rest +can remain outside. And now I will take the night charges. + +_Voice from Passage_ (_without_). Please, your worship, as I was on +duty last night, this man-- + +_Builder_ (_putting his head in_). Sorry to trouble you, Sir, but we +have got something to do to the flooring. Must ask you to be off. + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). Very well; the Court is +adjourned to the back garden. (_Scene changes to that locality._) +Come, this is better! Fresh air, in spite of the smuts! And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Builder_ (_entering_). Very sorry to trouble you again, Sir, but +there's something wrong with the drains. We think the pipes are out +of order, and so we shall have to dig them up. So, if you don't mind +moving-- + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). Very well; the Court is +adjourned to the coal-cellar. (_Scene changes to that locality._) +Come, this is not so bad! Very cool, if rather damp. And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Coalheaver_ (_speaking through hole in roof_). Sorry to disturb you, +gents, but as me and my mates are going to put some coals in this here +cellar, I thought it good manners to tell you all to clear out. + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). The Court is adjourned to the +housetop. (_Scene changes to that locality._) Come, this is not so +bad! Nice breeze up here. A little difficult to sit upon a sloping +roof, perhaps; but one gets accustomed to everything. And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Sweep_ (_entering_). Sorry to disturb you, mates, but I am just +agoing to sweep the chimneys; and-- + +_Police Magistrate_ (_unable to restrain his indignation any longer_). +Oh--!!! + + [_The Curtain hurriedly conceals the strong but natural + exclamation._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXCELSIOR! OR, THE DAY-DREAM OF DRURIOLANUS. + +_Elected Sheriff, June 27, he dreams that he is encountered on his +road by the fairy forms of Harry Nicholls and Herbert Campbell._ + +_Voices of Fairy Forms_. "ALL HAIL, DRURIOLANUS! SHERIFF THOU ART, +AND SHALT BE MAYOR HEREAFTER!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE MILITARY TOURNAMENT. + +SCENE--_THE AGRICULTURAL HALL. TENT-PEGGING GOING ON_. + +_Stentorian Judge_ (_in Arena_). Corporal BINKS! (_The Assistants give +a finishing blow to the peg, and fall back. Corporal BINKS gallops +in, misses the peg, and rides off, relieving his feelings by whirling +his lance defiantly in the air_.) Corporal BINKS--nothing! + +_A Gushing Lady_. Poor dear thing! I _do_ wish he'd struck it! he did +look so disappointed, and so did that sweet horse! + +_The Judge_. Serjeant SPANKER! (_Sergeant S. gallops in, spears the +peg neatly, and carries it off triumphantly on the point of the lance, +after which he rides back and returns the peg to the Assistants as +a piece of valuable property of which he has accidentally deprived +them_) Sergeant SPANKER--eight! (_Applause; the Assistants drive in +another peg._) Corporal CUTLASH! (_Corporal C. enters, strikes the +peg, and dislodges without securing it. Immense applause from the +Crowd_.) Corporal CUTLASH--two! + +_The Gushing Lady_. Only two, and when he really did hit the peg! I do +call that a shame. I should have given him more marks than the other +man--he has such a _much_ nicer face! + +_A Child with a Thirst for Information_. Uncle, why do they call it +_tent_-pegging? + +_The Uncle_. Why? Well, because those pegs are what they fasten down +tents with. + +_The Child_. But why isn't there a tent now? + +_Uncle_. Because there's no use for one. + +_Child_. Why? + +_Uncle_. Because all they want to do is to pick up the peg with the +point of their lance. + +_Child_. Yes, but why _should_ they want to do it? + +_Uncle_. Oh, to amuse their horses. (_The Child ponders upon this +answer with a view to a fresh catechism upon the equine passion for +entertainment, and the desirability, or otherwise, of gratifying it_.) + +_A Chatty Man in the Promenade_ (_to his Neighbour_). Takes a deal of +practice to strike them pegs fair and full. + +_His Neighbour_ (_who holds advanced Socialistic opinions_). Ah, +I dessay--and a pity they can't make no better use o' their time! +Spoiling good wood, _I_ call it. I don't see no point in it myself. + +_The Chatty Man_. Well, it shows they can _ride_, at any rate. + +_The Socialist_. Ride? O' course they can _ride_--we pay enough for +'aving 'em taught, don't we? But you mark my words, the People won't +put up with this state of things much longer--keepin' a set of 'ired +murderers in luxury and hidleness. I tell yer, wherever I come across +one of these great lanky louts strutting about in his red coat, as if +he was one of the lords of the hearth, well--it makes my nose bleed, +ah--it _does_! + +_The Chatty Man_. If that's the way you talk to him, I ain't surprised +if it do. + +_The Judge_. Sword _versus_ Sword! Come in, there! (_Two mounted +Combatants, in leather jerkins and black visors, armed with +sword-sticks, enter the ring; Judge introduces them to audience with +the aid of a flag_.) Corporal JONES, of the Wessex Yeomanry; Sergeant +SMITH, of the Manx Mounted Infantry. (_Their swords are chalked by the +Assistants_.) Are you ready? Left turn! Countermarch! Engage! (_The +Combatants wheel round and face one another, each vigorously spurring +his horse and prodding cautiously at the other; the two horses seem +determined not to be drawn into the affair themselves on any account, +and take no personal interest in the conflict; the umpires skip and +dodge at the rear of the horses, until one of the Combatants gets in +with a rattling blow on the other's head, to the intense delight of +audience. Both men are brushed down, and their weapons re-chalked, +whereupon they engage once more_--_much to the disgust of their +horses, who had evidently been hoping it was all over. After the +contest is finally decided, a second pair of Combatants enter; one is +mounted on a black horse, the other on a chestnut, who refuses to lend +himself to the business on any terms, and bolts on principle; while +the rider of the black horse remains in stationary meditation_.) Go +on--that black horse--go on! (_The chestnut is at length brought up +to the scratch snorting, but again flinches, and retires with his +rider_.) + +_The Crowd_ (_to rider of black horse_). Go on, now's your chance! +'It him! (_The recipient of these counsels pursues his antagonist, and +belabours him and his horse with impartial good-will until separated +by the Umpires, who examine the chalk-marks with a professional +scrutiny._) + +_The Judge_. Here, you on the black horse, you mustn't hit that +other horse about the head. (_The man addressed appears rebuked and +surprised under his black-wired visor; The Judge, reassuringly_.) +It's all _right_, you know; only, don't do it again, that's all! (_The +Combatant sits up again._) + +_The Gushing Lady_. Oh, I can't bear to look on, really. I'm _sure_ +they oughtn't to hit so hard--_how_ their poor dear heads must ache! +Isn't that chestnut a _duck_? I'm sure he's trying to save his master +from getting hurt--they're such sensible creatures, horses are! +(_Artillery teams drive in, and gallop between the posts; the Crowd +going frantic with delight when the posts remain upright, and roaring +with laughter when one is knocked over_.) + +DURING THE MUSICAL RIDE. + +_The Gushing Lady_. Oh, they're simply too _sweet_! how those horses +are enjoying it--aren't they pets? and how perfectly they keep step +to the music, don't they? + +_Her Friend_ (_who is beginning to get a trifle tired by her +enthusiasm_). Yes; but then they're all trained by Madame KATTI +LANNER, of Drury Lane, you see. + +_The G.L._ What pains she must have taken with them; but you can teach +a horse _anything_, can't you? + +_Her Friend_. Oh, that's nothing; next year they're going to have a +horse who'll dance the Highland Fling. + +_The Socialist_. A pretty sight? Cost a pretty sight o' the People's +money, I know that. Tomfoolery, that's what it is; a set of dressed-up +bullies dancin' quadrilles on 'orseback; _that_ ain't military +manoeuvrin'. It's sickenin' the way fools applaud such goins on. And +cuttin off the Saracen's 'ed, too; I'd call it plucky if the Saracen +'ad a gun in his 'and. Bah, I ate the ole business! + +_His Neighbour_. Got anybody along with you, Mate? + +_The Socialist_. No, I don't want anybody along with _me_, I don't. + +_His Neighbour_. That's a pity, that is. A sweet-tempered, +pleasant-spoken party like you are oughtn't to go about by yourself. +You ought to bring somebody just to enjoy your conversation. There +don't seem to be anybody '_ere_ of your way of thinkin'. + +DURING THE COMBINED DISPLAY. + +_The Gushing Lady_ (_as the Cyclist Corps enter_). Oh, they've got +a _dog_ with them. Do look--such a dear! See, they've tied a letter +round his neck. He'll come back with an answer presently. (_But, there +being apparently no answer to this communication, the faithful but +prudent animal does not re-appear_.) + +AFTER THE PERFORMANCE. + +_The Inquisitive Child_. Uncle, which side won? + +_Uncle_. I suppose the side that advanced across the bridges. + +_Child_. Which side _would_ have won if it had been a _real_ battle? + +_Uncle_. I really couldn't undertake to say, my boy. + +_Child_. But which do you _think_ would have won? + +_Uncle_. I suppose the side that fought best. + +_Child_. But which side was _that_? (_The Uncle begins to find that +the society of an intelligent Nephew entails too severe a mental +strain to be frequently cultivated._) + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +_Monday 23_.--Operatic world all agog to hear, and to see, _Le +Prophete_. First appearance for many years. Great things expected +of JEAN DE RESZKE as _Jean of Leyden_, and Mlle. RICHARD as _Fides_. +Great expectations not disappointed. Scene in Cathedral magnificent +as a spectacle. But scene in Cathedral between JEAN and his unhappy +mother still grander as acting. _Le Prophete_ is remarkable too, as +being an Opera without Mlle. BAUERMEISTER in it. Skating scene, with +a nice ballet, rather a frost. "Not sufficient go in it," observes +veteran Opera-goer, with book in his hand, dated eighteen hundred +and sixty something, containing a cast of characters which, he says, +though he doesn't show me the book, comprises the names of MARIO, +GRISI, VIARDOT-GARCIA, and HERR FORMES. A more veterany veteran tells +me that GRISI and VIARDOT never played together in this, but that +GRISI succeeded VIARDOT as _Fides_. + +[Illustration: MONDAY, JUNE 23. + +Jean de Reszke as Jean of Leyden. Jeanne The Risky as Sarah d'Arc.] + +Even the veteran is pleased, and acknowledges that thirty years ago +they couldn't have done it as they do now, barring the skating scene, +where, he insists upon it, the original "go" is wanting. The fact is, +we have long passed the days when "rinking" was a novelty on the stage +or off it. But what a jolly lot these Anabaptists were! They enjoyed +themselves with their dancing-girls and their picnicking on the ice. +Substitute General BOOTH for _Jean of Leyden_, and the tambourine +girls for PALLADINO and the ballet, and then you have a modern version +of _Le Prophete_. + +[Illustration: Mlle. Richard as Fides,--not Boney Fides.] + +Delightful to see M. MIRANDA as one of the three Anabaptists, +_Mathisen_ (a good name in the city, with only a letter changed), +striking a sixteenth century flint, for the purpose of lighting +a candle, but, failing in the attempt, compelled to destroy +sixteenth-century illusion, and employ, in a sneaking kind of way, +the nineteenth-century match, which strikes only on its own box. Mlle. +NUOVINA, not so good here as in the part of _Marguerite_, but there is +very little for a soprano to do. JEAN reckless in the final drinking +song. + +The voice of DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS is heard at the wings. The +stage-manager's assistant is evidently nervous, and the curtain, after +once going up a little way and coming down again, ascends suddenly, +in spite of adjuration of DRURIOLANUS to "Wait! wait!" No hitch, and +in another moment DRURIOLANUS, calm, but with suppressed emotion, is +watching the scene from the front. + +"Ah," he murmurs to himself, "if I could only get Guildhall to do what +I like in on that Ninth, of November when I shall be Lord Mayor. I'd +soon show 'em what's what. I'd have a coronation, or investiture, +scene to which this should be mere child's play." + +EDOUARD DE RESZKE excellent as _Zacharias_--a, name chiefly associated +with one of Lieutenant COLE'S characters, a Mawworm who looks over +the screen; and M. MONTARIOL good as a lighter-hearted Anabaptist. A +memorable revival. + +_Tuesday_.--_Les Huguenots_. Return of Mlle. BAUERMEISTER after one +night's absence. _Wednesday_.--_Carmen_, as before. + +_Thursday_.--_Rigoletto_. Fine house to hear this Opera. _Le Prince +s'amuse_. The Princess also. Mlle. MELBA excellent; should be known as +"Her Grace." M. LASSALLE, not ideal Jester, physically, but, vocally, +never was _Rigoletto_ better. Signor VALERO a good Ducal tenor: he +scores a treble--(a thing to be done in whist and music)--i.e., +treble _encore_ for "_La Donna e Mobile_." Madame SCALCHI, of course, +good as usual, and Signor MIRANDA (why not FERDINAND MIRANDA, and be +thoroughly Shakspearian at once?) energetic as _Monterone_. FERDINAND +MIRANDA always conscientious actor. Not last, but quite the least, +comes Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER, as _Giovanna_, without whom no Opera +at Covent Garden can be considered as really complete. This is the +only defect on + +_Friday Night_, in _Le Prophete_, which is given again and again--no +part for Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER. Every place in the House taken. +Profit here and Loss for those who can't get seats to hear it. Great +excitement to know whether DRURIOLANUS is elected Sheriff or not. +Early in the evening contradictory rumours in Lobby. At last the +numbers are up. DRURIOLANUS elected. Uncommonly well he will look +in his robes of office. DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS COUNTI-COUNCILARIUS +SHERIFFUS! All hail! + +_Saturday_.--Cannot be present. Have telegraphed to +DRURIOLANUS,--"Dear Sheriff, cannot come; but don't close House; let +Opera go on as usual." I believe it did. + + * * * * * + +SARAH JEANNE AT HIS MAYERJESTY'S. + +[Illustration: Sarah Jeanne explains symbolically to rude English +soldier that he must "hook it."] + +[Illustration: Back View of New Sarah Jeanne overcoat for race +meetings.] + +SARAH JEANNE of Arc. SARAH wrapt up in the visionary creation +is comparatively lost in the part; that is, until she comes out +magnificently in the last scene but one. Otherwise, except to look +the Martyr, and to languish, nothing much for SARAH to do. Cathedral +scene here rivals that at Covent Garden. SARAH wins and thrills the +audience: her voice soothes them in their most ruffled humour, even +after the audience has been kept waiting nearly twenty-five minutes +between the Acts. Everyone disappointed that the funeral pile does +not catch fire, and that the Curtain does not descend on a sensational +scene, for which Captain SHAW and his Merry Men would have to be in +attendance. The cast good all round, but it's more of an Opera, or +a religious play, than a Melodrama. GOUNOD'S music not particularly +striking, and the March sounds familiar. SARAH JEANNE holds the +audience spell-bound to the end, rather by what she doesn't than by +what she does, except in the great scene already mentioned. _Jeanne +d'Arc_ is to run on till further notice, and then Madame SARAH +will appear in some of her well-known parts, and take a temporary +farewell of the British Public. To those who have hitherto neglected +opportunities of seeing SARAH JEANNE let this notice be a warning, and +let them in their thousands hurry up to His Mayerjesty's. + + * * * * * + +"CAN WORMS SEE?"--_Vide St. James's Gazette_ and _Field_. +Correspondent says worms do not shrink from candle-light, but +immediately withdraw under the glare of a bull's-eye lantern. +Evidently for exact information, "Ask a Policeman." Also consult Baron +DE WORMS. He sees his way about well enough. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRACTICAL MEMENTO. + +_Sir James_. "AND WERE YOU IN ROME?" + +_American Lady_. "I GUESS NOT." (_To her Daughter_.) "SAY, BELLA, +DID WE VISIT ROME?" + +_Fair Daughter_. "WHY, MA, CERT'NLY! DON'T YOU REMEMBER? IT WAS IN +ROME WE BOUGHT THE LISLE-THREAD STOCKINGS!" + +_American Lady is convinced_.] + + * * * * * + +"IN TROUBLE." + + "Three Men in a Boat!" And you don't often see + Pair oars and their cox. in a nastier fix. + They started all right, did this nautical Three, + But they've managed to get in no end of a mix. + That Steersman, he thought a good deal of his Stroke, + And there seemed scarce a steadier oarsman than Bow, + But they must have got "skylarking." Ah! it's no joke, + And the question is what are they going to do now? + For danger's a-head, and 'twill tax all their skill + To avoid a capsize and a horrible spill. + + What can they be up to? a gazer might say, + As he watched their eccentric career from the banks. + Three 'ARRIES at large on a Bank Holiday + Could hardly indulge in more blundering pranks. + Stroke "catches a crab" in the clumsiest style, + (And they called him a fine finished oarsman, this chap!) + At his "Catherine-wheeler" a Cockney might smile, + As he tumbles so helplessly back in Bow's lap. + And Bow!--well, he's snapped off the blade of his scull, + And poor Cox's steering-gear's all "in a mull." + + It's all that Stroke's fault--so the whisper goes round. + He _would_ try new dodges, uncalled-for, unproved, + They were "going great guns," when he suddenly found + That, to make himself Champion (and get himself loved + By the river-side "Bungs" and their large _clientele_), + He must--set a new stroke in the midst of a spin-- + A policy plainly predestined to fail, + And one, we must own, scarce deserving to win. + And so he has smashed up a shining success, + And got himself into a deuce of a mess. + + So various voices! And this was the oar + They triumphantly won from a great rival crew; + The cool-headed, steady-nerved Stroke, bound to score; + The fellow who funking or failure ne'er knew. + _He_ hurry, or falter, catch crabs, miss, or muff? + No, no; lesser men might--say, GL-DST-NE or SM-TH-- + But _he_ was not made of such common-place stuff, + His nerve was all steel, and his muscle all pith. + And now he's adrift amidst snags, stumps, and rooks, + And the Coxswain has just lost his rudder--poor Cox.! + + And danger's ahead, and the full of the weir + Sounds close, as that Stroke tumbles "head over tip." + No wonder poor Bow, his oar bladeless, looks queer. + No wonder the Steersman his yoke-lines lets slip. + The Three are "In Trouble," of that there's no doubt; + Stroke mutters, "Obstruction!" Bow talks of "a foul." + But when you have muffed it, and foes are about, + It isn't much use at bad fortune to growl. + No; Stroke, Bow, and Coxswain must "go it like bricks," + If they mean to get out of this troublesome fix. + + * * * * * + +ERRATUM.--_Mr. Punch_ last week paid the Notts' Cricketer, GUNN, +a well-deserved compliment on his great innings of 228 against +the Australians. He _intended_ to represent him as piling-up that +huge score "against the best bowling." The obviously accidental +substitution of the word "batting" for "bowling" here, caused "the +Nottingham Giant" to be credited with a novel cricketing performance, +to which even _he_ would hardly be equal. The proverbial Irish gun +that could "shoot round a corner," would not be "in it" with a GUNN +who could "bat against batting!" As a Correspondent (in slightly +different words) suggests:-- + + "When a Champion Batsman's performance extolling, + 'Tis well to distinguish, 'twixt batting and bowling!" + + * * * * * + +EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.--According to _Mr. Punch's_ sharp contemporary, +the _Lancet_, the effect of bagpipe-playing upon the teeth is to blunt +them; in fact, in course of time, to wear them away. To the auditor +the music has a contrary effect. _Mr. Punch_ is able to say, from +experience, that he has never listened to the National instrument of +Grand Old Scotland without having his teeth set on edge. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IN TROUBLE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS FOR THE PARK. + +WHY NOT HAVE SOMETHING OF THIS SORT? IT WOULD AT LEAST MAKE THINGS +LESS MONOTONOUS.] + + * * * * * + +TOUTING FOR TOURISTS. + +TO THE EDITOR + +OF ANY PAPER THAT INSERTS GRATUITOUS ADVERTISEMENTS. + +SIR,--Kindly contradict the rumour, which I find is widely spread and +appears to be credited in some quarters, that an extensive sewage +farm has been established in front of the most fashionable terrace in +Slushborough-on-Sea, and that a Smallpox Hospital is about to be built +upon the Pier. "Salubrious Slushborough" still continues (in spite +of the machinations of jealous Northbourne) to be the most select, +popular, and healthy resort on the British coasts. + +Yours disinterestedly, THE MAYOR OF SLUSHBOROUGH. + + +SIR,--A report (proceeding, I have reason, to believe, from +ill-conditioned residents at Slushborough) is being disseminated to +the effect, that the water-supply of Northbourne is largely tainted +with typhus and diphtheria germs, and that an epidemic is already +ravaging this place. As a matter of fact, the only case of illness +of any kind in this town at present is a patient brought over from +Slushborough in the last stage of blood-poisoning, owing to the +defective drainage system there, and who, in this salubrious and +invigorating atmosphere, is now rapidly recovering. + +I remain, Yours &c., THE MAYOR OF NORTHBOURNE. + + +SIR,--In view of the correspondence with regard to the present +condition of our popular seaside resorts, it will, I feel sure, +interest your readers to learn that an examination of the air of +Whitecliffe lately made by a local analyst, reveals the fact that +it contains _fifty-five per cent. more ozone than is to be found on +the top of Mont Blanc!_ I publish this piece of intelligence purely +in the interests of science, and as I am writing I may perhaps take +the opportunity to mention that apartments here are both good and +reasonable, and the bathing first-rate. The same analyst incidentally +discovered that the air at Chorkstone is largely laden with poisonous +bacteria. + +Yours truly, THE MAYOR OF WHITECLIFFE. + + +SIR,--At this time of year, when our glorious Lees are in the full +radiance of their summer beauty, it becomes a mere act of Christian +duty to warn intending holiday-makers to avoid Whitecliffe, and to +select Chorkstone as their place of sojourn instead. An eminent local +medical man asserts that morbiferous germs exist to a very dangerous +degree in the Whitecliffe atmosphere, and that the Whitecliffe water +is rendered almost solid by the multitude of bacilli it contains. +Another Chorkstone resident, who lately visited Whitecliffe, found +the air so relaxing that he fainted away, and had it not been for the +kindness of the landlord of a certain hotel, who had him carried out +of his bar and driven off in a trap to his own home, he believes he +would have succumbed! Comment is needless. + +Yours impartially, THE MAYOR OF CHORKSTONE. + + +SIR,--There is not the slightest foundation for the ridiculous +_canard_ as to the inhabitants of this picturesque and abnormally +fashionable town being "in a state of complete panic, owing to the +fact that all the convicts recently confined at Shortland have broken +out, and are indulging in frightful excesses in the neighbourhood." +The convicts have _not_ broken out; but an epidemic of gratuitous +mendacity has done so, it appears. + +Yours indignantly, THE MAYOR OF CURDSMOUTH. + +P.S.--Have you heard about the sanitary state of Shutmouth? Shocking! + + +SIR,--As I hear that it is rumoured that M. PASTEUR has discovered an +entirely new and most dangerous kind of bacillus in the neighbourhood +of pine-trees, perhaps I may mention, in order to reassure our myriads +of intending summer visitors, that the death-rate at this town is +one in ten thousand, and that we should have had _no death-rate at +all last week_, if the one person referred to had not met with an +unfortunate accident. All the Shutmouth doctors are starving. + +Yours, THE MAYOR OF SHUTMOUTH. + +P.S.--Ought not something to be done to check the mortality at +Curdsmouth? It is disgraceful! + + * * * * * + +TO THE RIGHT WHEEL, BARROW! + + CAINE'S action shakes the Unionists' dominion; + Against it piteous appeals seem vain; + But 'tis, in his late colleagues' pained opinion, + _Not_ "the nice conduct of a clouded CAINE!" + + * * * * * + +"THE SEA! THE SEA!" + +A BUSINESS-LIKE BALLAD. + +(_PENNED BY MR. PUNCH ON BEHALF OF "NOBODY'S BOYS."_) + + "We propose soon to take our rescued Street-Arabs for + 'A Fortnight's Holiday under Canvas'--_by the sea, if + possible."--Appeal of Mr. J.W.C. Fegan, of the Boys' + Home, Southwark_. + +[Illustration] + + _Thalatta! Thalatta_! Not XENOPHON'S Greeks, O benevolent Public, but + "Nobody's Boys," + Wild Arabs of London, by tenderness tamed, at the sight of the sea vent + exuberant joys + In vociferous shoutings! Imagine the rapture of wrecks from the gutter + and waifs from the slum, + When first on their ears falls the jubilant thrill of the sky-soaring + lark, or the wild bee's low hum! + Imagine the pleasure of plunging at will into June's leafy copses of + hazel and lime, + Of scudding through acres of grasses knee-high, and of snuffing the + fragrance of clover and thyme. + But what is all this to the dumb-stricken wonder, swift followed by + outbursts of full-throated glee, + Which fancy can picture, when London's pale outcasts from some grassy + cliff catch first sight of the Sea! + _Thalatta! Thalatta_! There's many a lad who has never before had a + glimpse of the wave; + For these are of those who, from London's dark wastes 'tis the aim of + their leaders to rescue and save. + "Nobody's Boys," the lost waifs of the city, foredoomed, but for aid, + to debasement and crime, + Possible gallows-birds,--they with wan faces late cleansed from the + rookery's hideous grime, + Snatched from the gutter whilst boyhood bears hope with it, gathered and + tended with vigilant care. + Servants of soul-thrift their volunteer champions! Weeds of the slum, + with fresh soil and sweet air, + Grow into grace and fair fruitage. These pariahs, "Southwark Boys," + strays from the slime-sodden east, + FEGAN takes forth in gay troops to the meadows, in freshness of nature to + frolic and feast, + Climb in the woodlands and plunge in the waters, ramble and scramble + through tangle-hedged lanes, + Fish in the pools with youth's primitive tackle, breathe quickening + vigour through bosoms and brains. + Picture the boys "camping out" on the commons, and gipsying gaily in + tents midst the heather, + Armed with their canvas and blankets and boilers and pannikins well + against hunger and weather. + Picture them--CALLOT'S free brush might have managed it--gathered in + pow-wow around the camp-fire, + Sun-tanned and wind-browned, in picturesque raiment, with wisp of the + wild hop or trail of the briar + Hat-wreathed or button-holed. BURNS should have sung of them; + trim-skirted Muse, with punctilious tastes, + Were not at home with these waifs from the rookery, pastured at large + in free Nature's wild wastes, + Bounding, and breathing fresh air, romping, wrestling, and disciplined + only to cleanness and order. + Otherwise free as the tent-dwelling Arabs, or outlaws of Sherwood, or + bands of the Border. + Picture it! FEGAN'S pink pamphlet _has_ pictured it. Read it, all lovers + of Nature and youth, + All who have care for the wrecks of humanity, all who are moved by the + spirit of ruth. + Ere Spring returns, far Canadian homesteads will house their contingents + of "Nobody's Boys." + Let them take with them kind thoughts of Old England, and memories sweet + of its rare rural joys. + Let them "camp out" once again, by the ocean, and plunge in the billow, + and rove on the sands; + Know the true British brine-whiff by experience. Help, British Public, + their friends' kindly hands. + Good is the work, and the fruit of it excellent; giving poor wastrels a + fair start in life, + Taste of true pleasure, and wholesome enjoyment, aid in endeavour, and + strength for the strife. + What better use for spare cash at this season? Come then, _Punch_ + readers, right willingly come! + _Mr. Punch_ knows scarce a cause more deserving, or worthy of aid, than + the Southwark Boys' Home! + +_Mem_.--Mr. J.W.C. FEGAN, of the Boys' Home, Southwark, the writer of +the pleasant pamphlet entitled _Camping Out_, makes appeal towards +the expenses of giving "a fortnight's holiday under canvas--_by the +sea, if possible_"--to the waifs and strays in Mr. FEGAN'S Homes. +To that gentleman, and NOT to _Mr. Punch_, subscriptions should be +sent. Remittances may be made to him (by P.O.O., payable at General +Post-Office, or by cheque crossed "London and County Bank") at the +Boys' Home, 95, Southwark Street, London, S.E. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 23_.--A gleam of glory in sombre +chamber of the Peers; a thin streak of red making its devious way +between the table and the Benches. At the head comes Black Rod, giving +some relief to the glittering spectacle; Garter King-at-Arms, without +whom British Constitution would be a vain thing, follows. Then the +Prince of WALES, looking a trifle anxious; is bringing out his son +and heir to take his place in the hereditary chamber; anxious that +all should go well. Next the new Duke of CLARENCE, looking very well +in his new Peer's robes, on which his fair mother, seated with her +daughter in side galleries, casts approving glance. Then the Duke +of EDINBURGH, with the stalwart Hereditary Grand Marshal, Jockey o' +Norfolk, and Aveland, Lord Great Chamberlain. + +Procession strolled in in quite casual way; passed Woolsack to which +HALSBURY lent grace and dignity; New Peer handed his credentials +to LOBD CHANCELLOR; but HALSBURY, above all things, man of cautious +habits. No doubt everything was right and in order; presence of Prince +of WALES guarantee of it; but HALSBURY not to be taken in. All very +well, but all in due order. So new Peer taken charge of by the Reading +Clerk; Procession moved on to table; documents mumbled over; oath +taken; roll signed. New Peer turned to look at LORD CHANCELLOR; +decidedly more friendly; haughty, forbidding, distrustful look, +vanished from his ordinarily genial countenance. Young Peer encouraged +to venture on friendly nod; LORD CHANCELLOR in response, lifted +three-cornered hat, and on replacing it, was observed to cock it +slightly on one side. Procession now moved on towards doorway by side +of Throne, where was set three chairs. + +"A little slow isn't it, Sir," said Duke of CLARENCE to H.R.H.; +"suppose we sit down here a bit; Black Rod will go and fetch us +a flagon of Malmsey wine; am told they always keep a butt on the +premises for stray Dukes." + +"No Malmsey for you, CLARENCE," said the Gracious Parent; "but if +you'd like to sit down a moment, you may." + +So new Peer sat in middle chair, Father and Uncle anxiously regarding +him. LORD CHANCELLOR slewed round on Woolsack to see what was going +on behind him. New Peer, making himself quite at home, put on hat; +finding LORD CHANCELLOR staring at him, uplifted it; LORD CHANCELLOR +did same with his. Duke tried it again; LORD CHANCELLOR, comically +half turned round on the Woolsack, followed suit. + +"Do it a third time, CLARENCE," whispered H.R.H., entering into fun +of thing. So the new Peer, always with his eyes gravely fixed on LORD +CHANCELLOR, who, in the excitement of the moment, had got his left leg +cocked over the Woolsack, did it a third time; LORD CHANCELLOR did the +same; Princesses in the Gallery sweetly smiling; Garter King-at-Arms +totting off the number of salutes; and Black Rod thanking his stars +that presently, when they left the House, he could walk face forward, +not as when he visited the Commons, walking backward like a crab. + +"I think that'll do," said H.R.H. "HALSBURY is in very uncomfortable +attitude; besides this is a sort of game that palls after the third +round. Go and say good-bye to HALSBURY, and we'll go and have a cup +of tea with your mother." + +Procession reformed; New Peer led up to Woolsack, where LORD +CHANCELLOR, with little gesture of surprise, as if he had only now +caught sight of him for first time, shook hands with him. Prince of +Wales lifted his cap to LORD CHANCELLOR; LORD CHANCELLOR lifted his +cap to Prince of WALES; the other Princes followed suit; Black Rod +toddled off; and the gay and gorgeous procession disappeared through +the doorway, leaving the Chamber in sudden twilight, as if the sun had +dipped below the horizon. + +An exceedingly friendly meeting all round; quite contagious. + +[Illustration: "Toby, M.P., I presume?"] + +"TOBY, M.P., I presume?" said BROADHURST, as I walked out. He had +been looking on, and had quite caught the graceful manner of the LORD +CHANCELLOR. I raised my hat three times, and went on to the Commons, +where there were wigs on the Green. + +_Business done_.--In Commons, Compensation Clauses withdrawn. + +_Tuesday_.--TIM HEALY puts final spoke in wheel of Compensation Bill. +Rose after questions on paper disposed of, and asked for ruling of +SPEAKER on an important point affecting Parliamentary Procedure. TIM'S +manner boded ill for the Government--deferential, low-voiced, with +total absence of self-assertion or aggression, TIM stood, the very +model of a modest young man. + +"Yes," said Prince ARTHUR, "but I hope he's not going to say anything +about Irish business. When he's in this mood, I prefer he should +address himself to my dear friend JOKIM." + +[Illustration: _Right Hon. A. Balfour_. "My dearest Tim, 'for this +relief much thanks!'"] + +TIM had anticipated Prince ARTHUR'S wishes. It _was_ about +Compensation Bill that he desired to consult SPEAKER. JOKIM, as +last turn in devious course, had proposed to dodge difficulty +about Compensation by accumulating proceeds of increased till +some indefinite period, when great reform of Licensing should be +introduced. "But," says TIM, almost begging pardon for interposing, +"in Budget Bill it has been specifically decreed that proceeds of +tax should be appropriated during present Session." Accumulation, TIM +urged, with a vague notion that he was dropping into poetry, is not +Appropriation. SPEAKER agreed with him: consternation on Treasury +Bench; Ministers tried to put bold face on affairs; could not discuss +question now; would do so by-and-by; confident they could show there +was nothing in TIM'S objection. An hour later, when time came to +resume Committee on Compensation Bill, OLD MORALITY announced that +it would be postponed to give Ministers opportunity to consider point +suggested by TIM. Shout of exultation went up from Opposition Benches: +prolonged fight had been won at last; the obnoxious Bill was floored, +and TIM had done it. + +OLD MORALITY, standing at table in attitude where natural nobility of +character struggled with accidental depression, said: "Success, Mr. +SPEAKER, is a mark no mortal wit of surest hand can always hit. For +whatsoe'er we perpetrate, we do but row; we are steered by fate, which +in success often disinherits, for spurious causes, noblest merits. +Great occasions, Mr. SPEAKER, are not always true sons of great and +mighty resolutions, nor, I may add, do the boldest attempts bring +forth events still equal to their worth. That may be the case with +us; but at least we shall carry to our homes the consciousness that we +have diligently striven to do our duty to our QUEEN and our country." +General cheering at this little speech, and scarcely dry eye on +Treasury Bench. + +_Business done_.--Compensation Bill in fresh difficulties. + +_Thursday_.--Sitting remarkable for two speeches from ordinarily +silent Members. Began and ended proceedings. First was by WHARTON, on +presenting petition signed by over half a million persons in favour of +Compensation Clauses of Licensing Bill. Petition brought down in three +cases by PICKFORD'S van. Conveniently disposed on floor of House; +occupied the whole space. Perturbation on Treasury Bench at the report +that there was Royal Commission going forward in other House. Time +of the Session when these are frequent. Black Rod arrives; requests +attendance of Members to hear Commission read. Advances towards table, +bowing to chair; retires backward; SPEAKER follows him. How would it +be to-day, with floor blocked with towering cases? Black Rod an old +sailor, might haul himself up hand-over-hand, and skip across tops +of cases; but never do for the SPEAKER so to scramble out. Hasty and +anxious inquiry made. Turned out to be no Royal Commission to-day; so +new disaster for Ministers avoided. + +WHARTON succeeds somehow when presenting Petition in casting sort +of Cathedral Close air over proceedings. Life-long association with +cathedrals and their precincts have invested him with placid charm +of manner: would have made an excellent Dean; gone off capitally as a +Canon; now, as he waves his hand towards the space lately crowded by +the Petition, wears subtle, indescribable, but unmistakable air, as if +he were taking part in a Confirmation Service. + +[Illustration: A Maiden Speech.] + +The other orator, GRIMSTON, considerably less ecclesiastical in his +manner. Appeared suddenly on scene at midnight: maiden speech; very +effective. "Mr. COURTNEY, Sir," he said, diffidently hiding his hands +in his trousers' pockets, "I claim the indulgence the House always +extends to young Members, in rising to address it for the first time. +I beg to move that the question be now put," Question put accordingly; +debate Closured, and so home. + +_Business done_.--Quite a lot. Licensing Clauses finally dropped; +Allotments Bill read Third Time; Barracks Bill through Committee. + +_Friday_.--Police in possession of House to-night. MATTHEWS moved +Second Reading of Bill dealing with Force. Quite unusual consensus +of approval, considering it is a Government Bill. Only for GEORGE +CAMPBELL, chorus would have been unanimous. But GEORGE, looking +in from Zanzibar, where he had called after a brief trip through +Jerusalem and Madagascar, denounced the measure as "thoroughly bad." +House thereupon passed Second Reading without division. + +_Business done_.--Police Bill read Second Time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _From Report of Debate on Hares Preservation Bill, June +26_.--"They (the other Members of Parliament) could not go out and +kill 300 Dodos,"--but evidently _he_ (Sir W.V. HARCOURT) could, and +here he is--caught in the act!] + + * * * * * + +"The Oof Bird" is the Auk, as _Cornhill Mag._ says its eggs cost L170 +apiece,--of course when fresh. What a big lark!--Yours, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +99, JULY 5, 1890*** + + +******* This file should be named 11726.txt or 11726.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/2/11726 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** diff --git a/old/11726.zip b/old/11726.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2bbea1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726.zip |
