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diff --git a/old/11726.txt b/old/11726.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ede13a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11726.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1697 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July +5, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 5, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 27, 2004 [eBook #11726] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 99, JULY 5, 1890*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11726-h.htm or 11726-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/2/11726/11726-h/11726-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/2/11726/11726-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 99 + +JULY 5, 1890 + + + + + + +[Illustration: VOL. 99] + + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +We understand that careful observers have noted a considerable amount +of disturbance in the House of Commons during the past three weeks. +Various reasons have, as usual, been advanced to account for this +phenomenon, one eminent politician having gone so far as to hint +darkly at the existence of Cave-men (or Troglodytes), who dwell in +barrows. + + * * * * * + +The weather has been subject to strange variations. The mean +temperature of the isothermal lines, when reduced to fractions of +an infinitesimal value, has been found to correspond exactly to the +elevation of the nap on the hat of a certain sporting Earl. Dividing +that by the number of buttons on a costermonger's waistcoat, and +adding to the quotient the number of aspirates picked up in the Old +Kent Road on a Saturday afternoon, the result has been computed as +equal to the total amount of minutes occupied by a vendor of saveloys +in advertising his wares in the Pall Mall Clubs. + + * * * * * + +Candour is at times inconvenient. A prominent member of a Metropolitan +Vestry was informed two days ago by one of the permanent scavengers +of the district, that he "wasn't worth the price of a second-hand +boot-lace." On inquiring the meaning of this curious phrase, he was +told that "his blooming head would be knocked off for two-pence." +We understand that the Vestryman's vote on a question of salary is +responsible for the indignation of the scavenger, a member of a class +usually noted for their somewhat ceremonious courtesy. + + * * * * * + +Those who propose to travel this year will doubtless be glad to +learn that the Hessian fly has been observed in unusual abundance in +Westphalia. This succulent _morceau_ is now eaten fried, with a sauce +of devilled lentils and oil. + + * * * * * + +It appears, after all, that there is no very definite foundation +for the report that Sir EDWARD WATKIN is said to be disappointed in +the competitive designs sent in for his Tower, because none of them +provide sleeping accommodation for 2000 people on the top storey. Of +course something must have given rise to the rumour, but it is not +easy to say exactly what. One competitor has already, however, it +appears, intimated his readiness to make the required addition, by +hanging his beds over the side of the Tower on "extended poles." The +question is, "Would Sir WATKIN be able to induce his patrons 'to turn +in' under such conditions?" There's the rub. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +STANLEY'S _Darkest Africa_ (SAMPSON LOW) swamps all other books just +now, except, of course, the Other STANLEY book, called _A Light on +the Keep-it-Quite-the-Darkest Africa_ (TRISCHLER & Co.) which follows +closely at its heels. The real STANLEY narrative is most interesting +and exciting; it is a book that will make everyone "sit up"--at night +to read it. The centre of attraction is in the answer to the question, +"How did I find EMIN?" Which is, "Quite well, thank you." + +My faithful "Co." reports that he has been doing his duty nobly as +a novel-reader. He has already devoured Vol. III. of the _Man with +a Secret_. He would attack Vols. I. and II. if he had not had (so he +says) quite enough of the Man _and_ his Secret. _Innocent Victims_ is +written in the temperance interest. "Co." has every sympathy with the +cause of undiluted water, but fears that this "story of London Life +and Labour" may end in drink. He found it himself a little dry, and +was not cheered by the name of the author, HUGH DOWNE, which seemed +to suggest he could not get up again. He is eagerly waiting for more +fiction, as "_Expiation_" by OCTAVE THANET has scarcely satisfied his +craving for the weird and the horrible. In the meanwhile, he has found +a cheerful interlude in _Sanity and Insanity_, a text-book (written in +a popular yet scientific strain) of the maladies of the mind. He says, +that Dr. MERCIER, the author, is to be congratulated on having treated +a rather "jumpy" subject in a manner that can offend no one. "Co." had +no idea up to now, that "t'other was so like unto which." + +All the Magazines for July are in, but the Baron has been unable to +open them, and "Co." has cut them. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES. + +(_AFTER CHARLES KINGSLEY--AT A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE._) + + Dress well, sweet Maid, and let who will be _clever._ + Dance, flirt, and sing! + Don't study all day long. + Or else you'll find, + When other girls get married, + You'll sing a different song! + + * * * * * + +SAD NEWS FROM ETON.--"Bever" is dead. Sorrowing boys followed +the bier. The Bever-age has ceased to exist. What next? Will the +characteristic Etonian top-hat follow the Bever? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS FIRST ACHE. + +"OH, MAMMY! I'VE GOT SUCH A PAIN IN FRONT OF ME!"] + + * * * * * + +BEFORE BISLEY. + + SCENE--_Office of the Commanding Commander-in-Chief. The + C.C.-in-Chief discovered. To him enter H.R.H. GEORGE RANGER._ + +_H.R.H.G.R._ You sent for me, _Mr. Punch_. I beg pardon, I should say, +your Excellency? + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_severely_). Be careful, Sir, and remember in +whose presence you are! I believe about a month ago you asked for +subscriptions in aid of the National Rifle Association? + +_H.R.H.G.R._. Yes, _Mr. P_.--I should say, your Excellency. + +_C.C.-in C._ And I presume the N.R.A. have been put to very great +expense in changing from Wimbledon to Bisley? + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Yes, I am sorry to say so,--personally sorry. Although +the bullets may have played the mischief with the adjoining property, +still I think-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_severely_). We are not discussing Wimbledon now, Sir. +Am I right in assuming that the reason funds were requested was to put +Bisley in a proper condition for the reception of the Volunteers? + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Of course. I am sure I am the best friend of the +Volunteers, and-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ (_interrupting_). How comes it then that when the +Volunteers (whose own ranges are being closed all round London) ask +for permission to shoot at Bisley, they are told that they may not +have it, because "the range is required for the regular troops." + +_H.R.H.G.R._ Well, as Commander-in-Chief, of course I must consider +the Army, and as-- + +_C.C.-in-C._ President of the N.R.A., you should consider the +Volunteers--but you don't! Now see here, if I hear any more of this +sort of thing, I tell you frankly that-- + +[_Scene closes in, as the threat is too terrible for publication_.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +QUALIFIED RECOMMENDATION. + +"_A. Nobleman wishes particularly to recommend his Coachman, who is +leaving his service, solely owing to domestic changes_;" i.e., Having +been detected falsifying his stable accounts, and threatened in +consequence with prosecution, he retaliates by a menace to disclose +certain unpleasant family secrets, picked up in the servants' hall, +to a Society journal. + +TRADE EMBELLISHMENTS. + +"_If applied but once gently with the palm of the hand, it will afford +the sufferer delightful and instantaneous relief_;" i.e., It at once +removes the skin, and if rubbed in with vigour will flay a horse. + +PLATFORMULARS. + +"_I feel that I have already trespassed upon your patience, and +detained you an unconscionable time_;" i.e., "Your attention seems +flagging. I want a moment or two for reflection, and a cue to go on +again." + + * * * * * + +THE RACK OF THE RATE-PAYER. + +(_BY A VICTIM OF "QUINQUENNIAL VALUATION."_) + + "Parochial Authorities have a way of their own in interpreting + Acts of Parliament, and a very peculiar way indeed of dealing + with the Valuation Act.... Overseers go their own way, and + interpret the Act according to their knowledge and experience; + and in many cases experience is lacking, and knowledge an + altogether unknown quantity.... When dealing with leasehold + property, overseers positively revel in the most delightful + caprice. The leaseholder's property is dealt with kindly or + the reverse, just as it is in this or that parish."--_James's + Gazette_. + + Tennyson talks of "gay quinquenniads." Yes, + But he would mention them with less elation + If he had my experience, I guess, + Of the _not_ gay Quinquennial Valuation! + I am not now so young as once I was, + I have arrived at the Golosh and Gamp Age, + I am not equal to contend--that's poz-- + With the Parochial Fathers on the rampage. + Ah me, these Vestry vultures on the pounce! + They scare me, skin me, bully me, and bilk me. + Soon of my flesh they'll scarce have left an ounce, + They so persistently maul, mulct, and milk me. + Once in five years they send me papers blue, + And papers white, and likewise papers yellow; + They "want to know, you know," indeed they do. + First the "First Clerk," a devil of a fellow! + Challenges me to up and tell him all + About gross value, also value rateable. + It's all pure fudge. I am their helpless thrall, + To an extent in civil speech unstateable. + They will not take _my_ word. If I appeal, + They hale me up before a stern Committee, + Fellows with brazen faces, hearts of steel, + And destitute of manners as of pity. + My solemn statement, or my mild demur, + To them a subject of fierce scorn and scoff is; + An honest citizen feels but a cur + When snapped and snarled at by these Jacks-in-Office. + They're sure to have the pull of me somehow; + Oh! I've read "Handbooks." I've attended Meetings + Where angry ratepayers raise fruitless row; + But, bless you, these bold roarings turn to bleatings, + When they the cruel inquisition face + Of some austere Committee of Assessment. + Until I found myself in that dread place + I never knew what fogged and foiled distress meant. + Between them and my Landlord I've no peace. + I'm honest, but they treat me as "a wrong one." + I'm a Shopkeeper, holding a short lease + (My Landlord takes good care it's not a long one). + Once in seven years the Landlord lifts my Rent, + And once in five my Rates the Assessor raises, + Values, Gross, Rateable, so much per cent.? + Bah! the attempt to fathom them but crazes! + The only regular rule is--Up! Up! Up! + And any protest only brings upon you + Your Landlord's wrath, and cheek from some sleek pup, + Who bullies you; and laughs when he has done you. + "Pay and look pleasant," is the official rule, + And as to wife and child, and food and raiment, + You _may_ attend to them, poor drudging fool! + When of your Rent and Rates you've made full payment. + Yes, Rent and Rates! they are the modern gods, + And Moloch's tyranny was not more cruel. + With Landlord or with Vestry get at odds, + And you're gone coon; they'll soon give you your gruel. + Just now Vestrydom's victims are a-howl + With rage at skinning; but their indignation + Will fade, and they will feed the Official Ghoul + Until the next Quinquennial Valuation. + And then--well, Lord knows what may happen _then_, + Unless--unless--and that is most improbable-- + Ratepayers rise _together_--show they're men, + And not mere sheep gregarious, warm-fleeced, robbable. + Meanwhile the Vestry Vultures gorge their fill, + And I am warned--by friends--"_Don't put their backs up!_" + _Their_ backs! And we sing "_Rule Britannia_" still!! + Will _no one_ chaw these fine official Jacks up? + + * * * * * + +THE KREUTZER SONATA. + + One _Pozdnisheff_ by name + Played the matrimonial game; + Pleased by a little curl, + Which round his heart did twirl, + And taken by a jersey + (Exported from the Mersey); + He felt, poor man, half-witted + When he saw how well it fitted! + + The mother, with her jersey-clad young daughter, + Asked the lover to a party on the water. + Soft things he now could say + To the maiden all the way, + Till she caught him--who imagined he had caught her! + + Now there came a young musician, _Troukachevsky_, + Who, at Petersburg, resided on the Nevsky; + And to play with him the flighty wife was fated + In the famed duet to KREUTZEE dedicated. + + The husband who perceived things were not right, + Home suddenly returned at dead of night. + His boots he'd taken off; + He was careful not to cough; + And his plans so well were woven, + That they still performed Beethoven. + But, neither being deaf, + They at last heard _Pozdnisheff_. + Poor wife! He so affrights her, + That she plays no more the _Kreutzer_. + + If on each foot he'd had a slipper + To Troukachevsky (who was saved) + The husband would have p'rhaps behaved + Much in the style of Jack the Ripper. + He put to flight the dilettante + (Who hadn't finished half the _andante_), + But feared the servants' mockings + Should they see him in his stockings, + Racing along the corridor:-- + Not that he thought it horrid, or + Harsh to transfix him with a dagger, + (He could not bear the fiddler's swagger), + But felt quite sure so droll a figure + Would make his rude domestics snigger. + + And now his wife cries out for mercy + (No more she wears that fetching jersey); + And all in vain she pity claims: + The dagger ruthlessly he aims, + And through the whale-bone of her corset + Tries unsuccessfully to force it. + At last he feels that he's succeeded, + A little more than p'rhaps was needed. + Ah, that by taking out the knife + He now could bring her back to life! + + 'Twas his habit, when he got into a pet, + Invariably to light a cigarette; + And, having killed his wife, he never spoke + One word until he'd had a quiet smoke. + + When he saw that it was time, he called a p'liceman, + And exclaimed, "Oh, I have broken the Tsar's peace, man. + I've killed my wife!--I did it in a fury-- + But I wish the matter brought before a jury." + And the jury, after hearing all the case, + Said, "Not Guilty. We'd have done it in his place." + And he lately, in a Russian railway carriage, + Told Count TOLSTOI all the story of his marriage. + + * * * * * + +"The Law of Arms is such."--Mr. Punch greatly regrets that he was +unable to be present at the Annual Inspection of the Inns of Court +Volunteers, when members were requested to "show every article of +equipment and clothing of which they were in possession." No doubt +the exhibition was as interesting as imposing. It is rumoured that +the display of wigs and gowns (worn in Court) and lawn-tennis blazers +(used in the Temple Gardens) was absolutely magnificent. It is further +reported that the large collection of go-to-meeting hats, frock-coats, +and patent-leather boots extorted universal admiration from all +beholders. To his sorrow, a prior engagement prevented Mr. A. +BRIEFLESS Junior, (who is an Hon. Member of the Corps), from putting +in an appearance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROPOSED NATIONAL GALLERY OF BRITISH ART IN DANGER. + +_Mr. Henry Tate_. "NO, THANK YOU, MR. RED TAPE, I DON'T WANT MY GIFTS +TO THE NATION TO BE TIED UP BY _YOU_, THEN PACKED AWAY, AND NEVER SEEN +AGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + +WHAT IT WILL COME TO; + +OR, THE COURT, THE CHASE, AND THE CURSE. + + "Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS used some strong language yesterday in + reference to the small room in which he was called upon to + administer Justice while the Worship Street Police Court is + being renovated."--_Evening Paper_. + + SCENE--_A small apartment in a Metropolitan Police Court_. + Presiding Magistrate _and_ Clerk _discovered_. + +_Presiding Magistrate_. There! You and I can sit here, and the rest +can remain outside. And now I will take the night charges. + +_Voice from Passage_ (_without_). Please, your worship, as I was on +duty last night, this man-- + +_Builder_ (_putting his head in_). Sorry to trouble you, Sir, but we +have got something to do to the flooring. Must ask you to be off. + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). Very well; the Court is +adjourned to the back garden. (_Scene changes to that locality._) +Come, this is better! Fresh air, in spite of the smuts! And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Builder_ (_entering_). Very sorry to trouble you again, Sir, but +there's something wrong with the drains. We think the pipes are out +of order, and so we shall have to dig them up. So, if you don't mind +moving-- + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). Very well; the Court is +adjourned to the coal-cellar. (_Scene changes to that locality._) +Come, this is not so bad! Very cool, if rather damp. And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Coalheaver_ (_speaking through hole in roof_). Sorry to disturb you, +gents, but as me and my mates are going to put some coals in this here +cellar, I thought it good manners to tell you all to clear out. + +_P.M._ (_restraining his indignation_). The Court is adjourned to the +housetop. (_Scene changes to that locality._) Come, this is not so +bad! Nice breeze up here. A little difficult to sit upon a sloping +roof, perhaps; but one gets accustomed to everything. And now, +Constable, go on with your evidence. + +_Police Constable_. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, +this man-- + +_Sweep_ (_entering_). Sorry to disturb you, mates, but I am just +agoing to sweep the chimneys; and-- + +_Police Magistrate_ (_unable to restrain his indignation any longer_). +Oh--!!! + + [_The Curtain hurriedly conceals the strong but natural + exclamation._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXCELSIOR! OR, THE DAY-DREAM OF DRURIOLANUS. + +_Elected Sheriff, June 27, he dreams that he is encountered on his +road by the fairy forms of Harry Nicholls and Herbert Campbell._ + +_Voices of Fairy Forms_. "ALL HAIL, DRURIOLANUS! SHERIFF THOU ART, +AND SHALT BE MAYOR HEREAFTER!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE MILITARY TOURNAMENT. + +SCENE--_THE AGRICULTURAL HALL. TENT-PEGGING GOING ON_. + +_Stentorian Judge_ (_in Arena_). Corporal BINKS! (_The Assistants give +a finishing blow to the peg, and fall back. Corporal BINKS gallops +in, misses the peg, and rides off, relieving his feelings by whirling +his lance defiantly in the air_.) Corporal BINKS--nothing! + +_A Gushing Lady_. Poor dear thing! I _do_ wish he'd struck it! he did +look so disappointed, and so did that sweet horse! + +_The Judge_. Serjeant SPANKER! (_Sergeant S. gallops in, spears the +peg neatly, and carries it off triumphantly on the point of the lance, +after which he rides back and returns the peg to the Assistants as +a piece of valuable property of which he has accidentally deprived +them_) Sergeant SPANKER--eight! (_Applause; the Assistants drive in +another peg._) Corporal CUTLASH! (_Corporal C. enters, strikes the +peg, and dislodges without securing it. Immense applause from the +Crowd_.) Corporal CUTLASH--two! + +_The Gushing Lady_. Only two, and when he really did hit the peg! I do +call that a shame. I should have given him more marks than the other +man--he has such a _much_ nicer face! + +_A Child with a Thirst for Information_. Uncle, why do they call it +_tent_-pegging? + +_The Uncle_. Why? Well, because those pegs are what they fasten down +tents with. + +_The Child_. But why isn't there a tent now? + +_Uncle_. Because there's no use for one. + +_Child_. Why? + +_Uncle_. Because all they want to do is to pick up the peg with the +point of their lance. + +_Child_. Yes, but why _should_ they want to do it? + +_Uncle_. Oh, to amuse their horses. (_The Child ponders upon this +answer with a view to a fresh catechism upon the equine passion for +entertainment, and the desirability, or otherwise, of gratifying it_.) + +_A Chatty Man in the Promenade_ (_to his Neighbour_). Takes a deal of +practice to strike them pegs fair and full. + +_His Neighbour_ (_who holds advanced Socialistic opinions_). Ah, +I dessay--and a pity they can't make no better use o' their time! +Spoiling good wood, _I_ call it. I don't see no point in it myself. + +_The Chatty Man_. Well, it shows they can _ride_, at any rate. + +_The Socialist_. Ride? O' course they can _ride_--we pay enough for +'aving 'em taught, don't we? But you mark my words, the People won't +put up with this state of things much longer--keepin' a set of 'ired +murderers in luxury and hidleness. I tell yer, wherever I come across +one of these great lanky louts strutting about in his red coat, as if +he was one of the lords of the hearth, well--it makes my nose bleed, +ah--it _does_! + +_The Chatty Man_. If that's the way you talk to him, I ain't surprised +if it do. + +_The Judge_. Sword _versus_ Sword! Come in, there! (_Two mounted +Combatants, in leather jerkins and black visors, armed with +sword-sticks, enter the ring; Judge introduces them to audience with +the aid of a flag_.) Corporal JONES, of the Wessex Yeomanry; Sergeant +SMITH, of the Manx Mounted Infantry. (_Their swords are chalked by the +Assistants_.) Are you ready? Left turn! Countermarch! Engage! (_The +Combatants wheel round and face one another, each vigorously spurring +his horse and prodding cautiously at the other; the two horses seem +determined not to be drawn into the affair themselves on any account, +and take no personal interest in the conflict; the umpires skip and +dodge at the rear of the horses, until one of the Combatants gets in +with a rattling blow on the other's head, to the intense delight of +audience. Both men are brushed down, and their weapons re-chalked, +whereupon they engage once more_--_much to the disgust of their +horses, who had evidently been hoping it was all over. After the +contest is finally decided, a second pair of Combatants enter; one is +mounted on a black horse, the other on a chestnut, who refuses to lend +himself to the business on any terms, and bolts on principle; while +the rider of the black horse remains in stationary meditation_.) Go +on--that black horse--go on! (_The chestnut is at length brought up +to the scratch snorting, but again flinches, and retires with his +rider_.) + +_The Crowd_ (_to rider of black horse_). Go on, now's your chance! +'It him! (_The recipient of these counsels pursues his antagonist, and +belabours him and his horse with impartial good-will until separated +by the Umpires, who examine the chalk-marks with a professional +scrutiny._) + +_The Judge_. Here, you on the black horse, you mustn't hit that +other horse about the head. (_The man addressed appears rebuked and +surprised under his black-wired visor; The Judge, reassuringly_.) +It's all _right_, you know; only, don't do it again, that's all! (_The +Combatant sits up again._) + +_The Gushing Lady_. Oh, I can't bear to look on, really. I'm _sure_ +they oughtn't to hit so hard--_how_ their poor dear heads must ache! +Isn't that chestnut a _duck_? I'm sure he's trying to save his master +from getting hurt--they're such sensible creatures, horses are! +(_Artillery teams drive in, and gallop between the posts; the Crowd +going frantic with delight when the posts remain upright, and roaring +with laughter when one is knocked over_.) + +DURING THE MUSICAL RIDE. + +_The Gushing Lady_. Oh, they're simply too _sweet_! how those horses +are enjoying it--aren't they pets? and how perfectly they keep step +to the music, don't they? + +_Her Friend_ (_who is beginning to get a trifle tired by her +enthusiasm_). Yes; but then they're all trained by Madame KATTI +LANNER, of Drury Lane, you see. + +_The G.L._ What pains she must have taken with them; but you can teach +a horse _anything_, can't you? + +_Her Friend_. Oh, that's nothing; next year they're going to have a +horse who'll dance the Highland Fling. + +_The Socialist_. A pretty sight? Cost a pretty sight o' the People's +money, I know that. Tomfoolery, that's what it is; a set of dressed-up +bullies dancin' quadrilles on 'orseback; _that_ ain't military +manoeuvrin'. It's sickenin' the way fools applaud such goins on. And +cuttin off the Saracen's 'ed, too; I'd call it plucky if the Saracen +'ad a gun in his 'and. Bah, I ate the ole business! + +_His Neighbour_. Got anybody along with you, Mate? + +_The Socialist_. No, I don't want anybody along with _me_, I don't. + +_His Neighbour_. That's a pity, that is. A sweet-tempered, +pleasant-spoken party like you are oughtn't to go about by yourself. +You ought to bring somebody just to enjoy your conversation. There +don't seem to be anybody '_ere_ of your way of thinkin'. + +DURING THE COMBINED DISPLAY. + +_The Gushing Lady_ (_as the Cyclist Corps enter_). Oh, they've got +a _dog_ with them. Do look--such a dear! See, they've tied a letter +round his neck. He'll come back with an answer presently. (_But, there +being apparently no answer to this communication, the faithful but +prudent animal does not re-appear_.) + +AFTER THE PERFORMANCE. + +_The Inquisitive Child_. Uncle, which side won? + +_Uncle_. I suppose the side that advanced across the bridges. + +_Child_. Which side _would_ have won if it had been a _real_ battle? + +_Uncle_. I really couldn't undertake to say, my boy. + +_Child_. But which do you _think_ would have won? + +_Uncle_. I suppose the side that fought best. + +_Child_. But which side was _that_? (_The Uncle begins to find that +the society of an intelligent Nephew entails too severe a mental +strain to be frequently cultivated._) + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +_Monday 23_.--Operatic world all agog to hear, and to see, _Le +Prophete_. First appearance for many years. Great things expected +of JEAN DE RESZKE as _Jean of Leyden_, and Mlle. RICHARD as _Fides_. +Great expectations not disappointed. Scene in Cathedral magnificent +as a spectacle. But scene in Cathedral between JEAN and his unhappy +mother still grander as acting. _Le Prophete_ is remarkable too, as +being an Opera without Mlle. BAUERMEISTER in it. Skating scene, with +a nice ballet, rather a frost. "Not sufficient go in it," observes +veteran Opera-goer, with book in his hand, dated eighteen hundred +and sixty something, containing a cast of characters which, he says, +though he doesn't show me the book, comprises the names of MARIO, +GRISI, VIARDOT-GARCIA, and HERR FORMES. A more veterany veteran tells +me that GRISI and VIARDOT never played together in this, but that +GRISI succeeded VIARDOT as _Fides_. + +[Illustration: MONDAY, JUNE 23. + +Jean de Reszke as Jean of Leyden. Jeanne The Risky as Sarah d'Arc.] + +Even the veteran is pleased, and acknowledges that thirty years ago +they couldn't have done it as they do now, barring the skating scene, +where, he insists upon it, the original "go" is wanting. The fact is, +we have long passed the days when "rinking" was a novelty on the stage +or off it. But what a jolly lot these Anabaptists were! They enjoyed +themselves with their dancing-girls and their picnicking on the ice. +Substitute General BOOTH for _Jean of Leyden_, and the tambourine +girls for PALLADINO and the ballet, and then you have a modern version +of _Le Prophete_. + +[Illustration: Mlle. Richard as Fides,--not Boney Fides.] + +Delightful to see M. MIRANDA as one of the three Anabaptists, +_Mathisen_ (a good name in the city, with only a letter changed), +striking a sixteenth century flint, for the purpose of lighting +a candle, but, failing in the attempt, compelled to destroy +sixteenth-century illusion, and employ, in a sneaking kind of way, +the nineteenth-century match, which strikes only on its own box. Mlle. +NUOVINA, not so good here as in the part of _Marguerite_, but there is +very little for a soprano to do. JEAN reckless in the final drinking +song. + +The voice of DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS is heard at the wings. The +stage-manager's assistant is evidently nervous, and the curtain, after +once going up a little way and coming down again, ascends suddenly, +in spite of adjuration of DRURIOLANUS to "Wait! wait!" No hitch, and +in another moment DRURIOLANUS, calm, but with suppressed emotion, is +watching the scene from the front. + +"Ah," he murmurs to himself, "if I could only get Guildhall to do what +I like in on that Ninth, of November when I shall be Lord Mayor. I'd +soon show 'em what's what. I'd have a coronation, or investiture, +scene to which this should be mere child's play." + +EDOUARD DE RESZKE excellent as _Zacharias_--a, name chiefly associated +with one of Lieutenant COLE'S characters, a Mawworm who looks over +the screen; and M. MONTARIOL good as a lighter-hearted Anabaptist. A +memorable revival. + +_Tuesday_.--_Les Huguenots_. Return of Mlle. BAUERMEISTER after one +night's absence. _Wednesday_.--_Carmen_, as before. + +_Thursday_.--_Rigoletto_. Fine house to hear this Opera. _Le Prince +s'amuse_. The Princess also. Mlle. MELBA excellent; should be known as +"Her Grace." M. LASSALLE, not ideal Jester, physically, but, vocally, +never was _Rigoletto_ better. Signor VALERO a good Ducal tenor: he +scores a treble--(a thing to be done in whist and music)--i.e., +treble _encore_ for "_La Donna e Mobile_." Madame SCALCHI, of course, +good as usual, and Signor MIRANDA (why not FERDINAND MIRANDA, and be +thoroughly Shakspearian at once?) energetic as _Monterone_. FERDINAND +MIRANDA always conscientious actor. Not last, but quite the least, +comes Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER, as _Giovanna_, without whom no Opera +at Covent Garden can be considered as really complete. This is the +only defect on + +_Friday Night_, in _Le Prophete_, which is given again and again--no +part for Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER. Every place in the House taken. +Profit here and Loss for those who can't get seats to hear it. Great +excitement to know whether DRURIOLANUS is elected Sheriff or not. +Early in the evening contradictory rumours in Lobby. At last the +numbers are up. DRURIOLANUS elected. Uncommonly well he will look +in his robes of office. DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS COUNTI-COUNCILARIUS +SHERIFFUS! All hail! + +_Saturday_.--Cannot be present. Have telegraphed to +DRURIOLANUS,--"Dear Sheriff, cannot come; but don't close House; let +Opera go on as usual." I believe it did. + + * * * * * + +SARAH JEANNE AT HIS MAYERJESTY'S. + +[Illustration: Sarah Jeanne explains symbolically to rude English +soldier that he must "hook it."] + +[Illustration: Back View of New Sarah Jeanne overcoat for race +meetings.] + +SARAH JEANNE of Arc. SARAH wrapt up in the visionary creation +is comparatively lost in the part; that is, until she comes out +magnificently in the last scene but one. Otherwise, except to look +the Martyr, and to languish, nothing much for SARAH to do. Cathedral +scene here rivals that at Covent Garden. SARAH wins and thrills the +audience: her voice soothes them in their most ruffled humour, even +after the audience has been kept waiting nearly twenty-five minutes +between the Acts. Everyone disappointed that the funeral pile does +not catch fire, and that the Curtain does not descend on a sensational +scene, for which Captain SHAW and his Merry Men would have to be in +attendance. The cast good all round, but it's more of an Opera, or +a religious play, than a Melodrama. GOUNOD'S music not particularly +striking, and the March sounds familiar. SARAH JEANNE holds the +audience spell-bound to the end, rather by what she doesn't than by +what she does, except in the great scene already mentioned. _Jeanne +d'Arc_ is to run on till further notice, and then Madame SARAH +will appear in some of her well-known parts, and take a temporary +farewell of the British Public. To those who have hitherto neglected +opportunities of seeing SARAH JEANNE let this notice be a warning, and +let them in their thousands hurry up to His Mayerjesty's. + + * * * * * + +"CAN WORMS SEE?"--_Vide St. James's Gazette_ and _Field_. +Correspondent says worms do not shrink from candle-light, but +immediately withdraw under the glare of a bull's-eye lantern. +Evidently for exact information, "Ask a Policeman." Also consult Baron +DE WORMS. He sees his way about well enough. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRACTICAL MEMENTO. + +_Sir James_. "AND WERE YOU IN ROME?" + +_American Lady_. "I GUESS NOT." (_To her Daughter_.) "SAY, BELLA, +DID WE VISIT ROME?" + +_Fair Daughter_. "WHY, MA, CERT'NLY! DON'T YOU REMEMBER? IT WAS IN +ROME WE BOUGHT THE LISLE-THREAD STOCKINGS!" + +_American Lady is convinced_.] + + * * * * * + +"IN TROUBLE." + + "Three Men in a Boat!" And you don't often see + Pair oars and their cox. in a nastier fix. + They started all right, did this nautical Three, + But they've managed to get in no end of a mix. + That Steersman, he thought a good deal of his Stroke, + And there seemed scarce a steadier oarsman than Bow, + But they must have got "skylarking." Ah! it's no joke, + And the question is what are they going to do now? + For danger's a-head, and 'twill tax all their skill + To avoid a capsize and a horrible spill. + + What can they be up to? a gazer might say, + As he watched their eccentric career from the banks. + Three 'ARRIES at large on a Bank Holiday + Could hardly indulge in more blundering pranks. + Stroke "catches a crab" in the clumsiest style, + (And they called him a fine finished oarsman, this chap!) + At his "Catherine-wheeler" a Cockney might smile, + As he tumbles so helplessly back in Bow's lap. + And Bow!--well, he's snapped off the blade of his scull, + And poor Cox's steering-gear's all "in a mull." + + It's all that Stroke's fault--so the whisper goes round. + He _would_ try new dodges, uncalled-for, unproved, + They were "going great guns," when he suddenly found + That, to make himself Champion (and get himself loved + By the river-side "Bungs" and their large _clientele_), + He must--set a new stroke in the midst of a spin-- + A policy plainly predestined to fail, + And one, we must own, scarce deserving to win. + And so he has smashed up a shining success, + And got himself into a deuce of a mess. + + So various voices! And this was the oar + They triumphantly won from a great rival crew; + The cool-headed, steady-nerved Stroke, bound to score; + The fellow who funking or failure ne'er knew. + _He_ hurry, or falter, catch crabs, miss, or muff? + No, no; lesser men might--say, GL-DST-NE or SM-TH-- + But _he_ was not made of such common-place stuff, + His nerve was all steel, and his muscle all pith. + And now he's adrift amidst snags, stumps, and rooks, + And the Coxswain has just lost his rudder--poor Cox.! + + And danger's ahead, and the full of the weir + Sounds close, as that Stroke tumbles "head over tip." + No wonder poor Bow, his oar bladeless, looks queer. + No wonder the Steersman his yoke-lines lets slip. + The Three are "In Trouble," of that there's no doubt; + Stroke mutters, "Obstruction!" Bow talks of "a foul." + But when you have muffed it, and foes are about, + It isn't much use at bad fortune to growl. + No; Stroke, Bow, and Coxswain must "go it like bricks," + If they mean to get out of this troublesome fix. + + * * * * * + +ERRATUM.--_Mr. Punch_ last week paid the Notts' Cricketer, GUNN, +a well-deserved compliment on his great innings of 228 against +the Australians. He _intended_ to represent him as piling-up that +huge score "against the best bowling." The obviously accidental +substitution of the word "batting" for "bowling" here, caused "the +Nottingham Giant" to be credited with a novel cricketing performance, +to which even _he_ would hardly be equal. The proverbial Irish gun +that could "shoot round a corner," would not be "in it" with a GUNN +who could "bat against batting!" As a Correspondent (in slightly +different words) suggests:-- + + "When a Champion Batsman's performance extolling, + 'Tis well to distinguish, 'twixt batting and bowling!" + + * * * * * + +EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.--According to _Mr. Punch's_ sharp contemporary, +the _Lancet_, the effect of bagpipe-playing upon the teeth is to blunt +them; in fact, in course of time, to wear them away. To the auditor +the music has a contrary effect. _Mr. Punch_ is able to say, from +experience, that he has never listened to the National instrument of +Grand Old Scotland without having his teeth set on edge. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IN TROUBLE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS FOR THE PARK. + +WHY NOT HAVE SOMETHING OF THIS SORT? IT WOULD AT LEAST MAKE THINGS +LESS MONOTONOUS.] + + * * * * * + +TOUTING FOR TOURISTS. + +TO THE EDITOR + +OF ANY PAPER THAT INSERTS GRATUITOUS ADVERTISEMENTS. + +SIR,--Kindly contradict the rumour, which I find is widely spread and +appears to be credited in some quarters, that an extensive sewage +farm has been established in front of the most fashionable terrace in +Slushborough-on-Sea, and that a Smallpox Hospital is about to be built +upon the Pier. "Salubrious Slushborough" still continues (in spite +of the machinations of jealous Northbourne) to be the most select, +popular, and healthy resort on the British coasts. + +Yours disinterestedly, THE MAYOR OF SLUSHBOROUGH. + + +SIR,--A report (proceeding, I have reason, to believe, from +ill-conditioned residents at Slushborough) is being disseminated to +the effect, that the water-supply of Northbourne is largely tainted +with typhus and diphtheria germs, and that an epidemic is already +ravaging this place. As a matter of fact, the only case of illness +of any kind in this town at present is a patient brought over from +Slushborough in the last stage of blood-poisoning, owing to the +defective drainage system there, and who, in this salubrious and +invigorating atmosphere, is now rapidly recovering. + +I remain, Yours &c., THE MAYOR OF NORTHBOURNE. + + +SIR,--In view of the correspondence with regard to the present +condition of our popular seaside resorts, it will, I feel sure, +interest your readers to learn that an examination of the air of +Whitecliffe lately made by a local analyst, reveals the fact that +it contains _fifty-five per cent. more ozone than is to be found on +the top of Mont Blanc!_ I publish this piece of intelligence purely +in the interests of science, and as I am writing I may perhaps take +the opportunity to mention that apartments here are both good and +reasonable, and the bathing first-rate. The same analyst incidentally +discovered that the air at Chorkstone is largely laden with poisonous +bacteria. + +Yours truly, THE MAYOR OF WHITECLIFFE. + + +SIR,--At this time of year, when our glorious Lees are in the full +radiance of their summer beauty, it becomes a mere act of Christian +duty to warn intending holiday-makers to avoid Whitecliffe, and to +select Chorkstone as their place of sojourn instead. An eminent local +medical man asserts that morbiferous germs exist to a very dangerous +degree in the Whitecliffe atmosphere, and that the Whitecliffe water +is rendered almost solid by the multitude of bacilli it contains. +Another Chorkstone resident, who lately visited Whitecliffe, found +the air so relaxing that he fainted away, and had it not been for the +kindness of the landlord of a certain hotel, who had him carried out +of his bar and driven off in a trap to his own home, he believes he +would have succumbed! Comment is needless. + +Yours impartially, THE MAYOR OF CHORKSTONE. + + +SIR,--There is not the slightest foundation for the ridiculous +_canard_ as to the inhabitants of this picturesque and abnormally +fashionable town being "in a state of complete panic, owing to the +fact that all the convicts recently confined at Shortland have broken +out, and are indulging in frightful excesses in the neighbourhood." +The convicts have _not_ broken out; but an epidemic of gratuitous +mendacity has done so, it appears. + +Yours indignantly, THE MAYOR OF CURDSMOUTH. + +P.S.--Have you heard about the sanitary state of Shutmouth? Shocking! + + +SIR,--As I hear that it is rumoured that M. PASTEUR has discovered an +entirely new and most dangerous kind of bacillus in the neighbourhood +of pine-trees, perhaps I may mention, in order to reassure our myriads +of intending summer visitors, that the death-rate at this town is +one in ten thousand, and that we should have had _no death-rate at +all last week_, if the one person referred to had not met with an +unfortunate accident. All the Shutmouth doctors are starving. + +Yours, THE MAYOR OF SHUTMOUTH. + +P.S.--Ought not something to be done to check the mortality at +Curdsmouth? It is disgraceful! + + * * * * * + +TO THE RIGHT WHEEL, BARROW! + + CAINE'S action shakes the Unionists' dominion; + Against it piteous appeals seem vain; + But 'tis, in his late colleagues' pained opinion, + _Not_ "the nice conduct of a clouded CAINE!" + + * * * * * + +"THE SEA! THE SEA!" + +A BUSINESS-LIKE BALLAD. + +(_PENNED BY MR. PUNCH ON BEHALF OF "NOBODY'S BOYS."_) + + "We propose soon to take our rescued Street-Arabs for + 'A Fortnight's Holiday under Canvas'--_by the sea, if + possible."--Appeal of Mr. J.W.C. Fegan, of the Boys' + Home, Southwark_. + +[Illustration] + + _Thalatta! Thalatta_! Not XENOPHON'S Greeks, O benevolent Public, but + "Nobody's Boys," + Wild Arabs of London, by tenderness tamed, at the sight of the sea vent + exuberant joys + In vociferous shoutings! Imagine the rapture of wrecks from the gutter + and waifs from the slum, + When first on their ears falls the jubilant thrill of the sky-soaring + lark, or the wild bee's low hum! + Imagine the pleasure of plunging at will into June's leafy copses of + hazel and lime, + Of scudding through acres of grasses knee-high, and of snuffing the + fragrance of clover and thyme. + But what is all this to the dumb-stricken wonder, swift followed by + outbursts of full-throated glee, + Which fancy can picture, when London's pale outcasts from some grassy + cliff catch first sight of the Sea! + _Thalatta! Thalatta_! There's many a lad who has never before had a + glimpse of the wave; + For these are of those who, from London's dark wastes 'tis the aim of + their leaders to rescue and save. + "Nobody's Boys," the lost waifs of the city, foredoomed, but for aid, + to debasement and crime, + Possible gallows-birds,--they with wan faces late cleansed from the + rookery's hideous grime, + Snatched from the gutter whilst boyhood bears hope with it, gathered and + tended with vigilant care. + Servants of soul-thrift their volunteer champions! Weeds of the slum, + with fresh soil and sweet air, + Grow into grace and fair fruitage. These pariahs, "Southwark Boys," + strays from the slime-sodden east, + FEGAN takes forth in gay troops to the meadows, in freshness of nature to + frolic and feast, + Climb in the woodlands and plunge in the waters, ramble and scramble + through tangle-hedged lanes, + Fish in the pools with youth's primitive tackle, breathe quickening + vigour through bosoms and brains. + Picture the boys "camping out" on the commons, and gipsying gaily in + tents midst the heather, + Armed with their canvas and blankets and boilers and pannikins well + against hunger and weather. + Picture them--CALLOT'S free brush might have managed it--gathered in + pow-wow around the camp-fire, + Sun-tanned and wind-browned, in picturesque raiment, with wisp of the + wild hop or trail of the briar + Hat-wreathed or button-holed. BURNS should have sung of them; + trim-skirted Muse, with punctilious tastes, + Were not at home with these waifs from the rookery, pastured at large + in free Nature's wild wastes, + Bounding, and breathing fresh air, romping, wrestling, and disciplined + only to cleanness and order. + Otherwise free as the tent-dwelling Arabs, or outlaws of Sherwood, or + bands of the Border. + Picture it! FEGAN'S pink pamphlet _has_ pictured it. Read it, all lovers + of Nature and youth, + All who have care for the wrecks of humanity, all who are moved by the + spirit of ruth. + Ere Spring returns, far Canadian homesteads will house their contingents + of "Nobody's Boys." + Let them take with them kind thoughts of Old England, and memories sweet + of its rare rural joys. + Let them "camp out" once again, by the ocean, and plunge in the billow, + and rove on the sands; + Know the true British brine-whiff by experience. Help, British Public, + their friends' kindly hands. + Good is the work, and the fruit of it excellent; giving poor wastrels a + fair start in life, + Taste of true pleasure, and wholesome enjoyment, aid in endeavour, and + strength for the strife. + What better use for spare cash at this season? Come then, _Punch_ + readers, right willingly come! + _Mr. Punch_ knows scarce a cause more deserving, or worthy of aid, than + the Southwark Boys' Home! + +_Mem_.--Mr. J.W.C. FEGAN, of the Boys' Home, Southwark, the writer of +the pleasant pamphlet entitled _Camping Out_, makes appeal towards +the expenses of giving "a fortnight's holiday under canvas--_by the +sea, if possible_"--to the waifs and strays in Mr. FEGAN'S Homes. +To that gentleman, and NOT to _Mr. Punch_, subscriptions should be +sent. Remittances may be made to him (by P.O.O., payable at General +Post-Office, or by cheque crossed "London and County Bank") at the +Boys' Home, 95, Southwark Street, London, S.E. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 23_.--A gleam of glory in sombre +chamber of the Peers; a thin streak of red making its devious way +between the table and the Benches. At the head comes Black Rod, giving +some relief to the glittering spectacle; Garter King-at-Arms, without +whom British Constitution would be a vain thing, follows. Then the +Prince of WALES, looking a trifle anxious; is bringing out his son +and heir to take his place in the hereditary chamber; anxious that +all should go well. Next the new Duke of CLARENCE, looking very well +in his new Peer's robes, on which his fair mother, seated with her +daughter in side galleries, casts approving glance. Then the Duke +of EDINBURGH, with the stalwart Hereditary Grand Marshal, Jockey o' +Norfolk, and Aveland, Lord Great Chamberlain. + +Procession strolled in in quite casual way; passed Woolsack to which +HALSBURY lent grace and dignity; New Peer handed his credentials +to LOBD CHANCELLOR; but HALSBURY, above all things, man of cautious +habits. No doubt everything was right and in order; presence of Prince +of WALES guarantee of it; but HALSBURY not to be taken in. All very +well, but all in due order. So new Peer taken charge of by the Reading +Clerk; Procession moved on to table; documents mumbled over; oath +taken; roll signed. New Peer turned to look at LORD CHANCELLOR; +decidedly more friendly; haughty, forbidding, distrustful look, +vanished from his ordinarily genial countenance. Young Peer encouraged +to venture on friendly nod; LORD CHANCELLOR in response, lifted +three-cornered hat, and on replacing it, was observed to cock it +slightly on one side. Procession now moved on towards doorway by side +of Throne, where was set three chairs. + +"A little slow isn't it, Sir," said Duke of CLARENCE to H.R.H.; +"suppose we sit down here a bit; Black Rod will go and fetch us +a flagon of Malmsey wine; am told they always keep a butt on the +premises for stray Dukes." + +"No Malmsey for you, CLARENCE," said the Gracious Parent; "but if +you'd like to sit down a moment, you may." + +So new Peer sat in middle chair, Father and Uncle anxiously regarding +him. LORD CHANCELLOR slewed round on Woolsack to see what was going +on behind him. New Peer, making himself quite at home, put on hat; +finding LORD CHANCELLOR staring at him, uplifted it; LORD CHANCELLOR +did same with his. Duke tried it again; LORD CHANCELLOR, comically +half turned round on the Woolsack, followed suit. + +"Do it a third time, CLARENCE," whispered H.R.H., entering into fun +of thing. So the new Peer, always with his eyes gravely fixed on LORD +CHANCELLOR, who, in the excitement of the moment, had got his left leg +cocked over the Woolsack, did it a third time; LORD CHANCELLOR did the +same; Princesses in the Gallery sweetly smiling; Garter King-at-Arms +totting off the number of salutes; and Black Rod thanking his stars +that presently, when they left the House, he could walk face forward, +not as when he visited the Commons, walking backward like a crab. + +"I think that'll do," said H.R.H. "HALSBURY is in very uncomfortable +attitude; besides this is a sort of game that palls after the third +round. Go and say good-bye to HALSBURY, and we'll go and have a cup +of tea with your mother." + +Procession reformed; New Peer led up to Woolsack, where LORD +CHANCELLOR, with little gesture of surprise, as if he had only now +caught sight of him for first time, shook hands with him. Prince of +Wales lifted his cap to LORD CHANCELLOR; LORD CHANCELLOR lifted his +cap to Prince of WALES; the other Princes followed suit; Black Rod +toddled off; and the gay and gorgeous procession disappeared through +the doorway, leaving the Chamber in sudden twilight, as if the sun had +dipped below the horizon. + +An exceedingly friendly meeting all round; quite contagious. + +[Illustration: "Toby, M.P., I presume?"] + +"TOBY, M.P., I presume?" said BROADHURST, as I walked out. He had +been looking on, and had quite caught the graceful manner of the LORD +CHANCELLOR. I raised my hat three times, and went on to the Commons, +where there were wigs on the Green. + +_Business done_.--In Commons, Compensation Clauses withdrawn. + +_Tuesday_.--TIM HEALY puts final spoke in wheel of Compensation Bill. +Rose after questions on paper disposed of, and asked for ruling of +SPEAKER on an important point affecting Parliamentary Procedure. TIM'S +manner boded ill for the Government--deferential, low-voiced, with +total absence of self-assertion or aggression, TIM stood, the very +model of a modest young man. + +"Yes," said Prince ARTHUR, "but I hope he's not going to say anything +about Irish business. When he's in this mood, I prefer he should +address himself to my dear friend JOKIM." + +[Illustration: _Right Hon. A. Balfour_. "My dearest Tim, 'for this +relief much thanks!'"] + +TIM had anticipated Prince ARTHUR'S wishes. It _was_ about +Compensation Bill that he desired to consult SPEAKER. JOKIM, as +last turn in devious course, had proposed to dodge difficulty +about Compensation by accumulating proceeds of increased till +some indefinite period, when great reform of Licensing should be +introduced. "But," says TIM, almost begging pardon for interposing, +"in Budget Bill it has been specifically decreed that proceeds of +tax should be appropriated during present Session." Accumulation, TIM +urged, with a vague notion that he was dropping into poetry, is not +Appropriation. SPEAKER agreed with him: consternation on Treasury +Bench; Ministers tried to put bold face on affairs; could not discuss +question now; would do so by-and-by; confident they could show there +was nothing in TIM'S objection. An hour later, when time came to +resume Committee on Compensation Bill, OLD MORALITY announced that +it would be postponed to give Ministers opportunity to consider point +suggested by TIM. Shout of exultation went up from Opposition Benches: +prolonged fight had been won at last; the obnoxious Bill was floored, +and TIM had done it. + +OLD MORALITY, standing at table in attitude where natural nobility of +character struggled with accidental depression, said: "Success, Mr. +SPEAKER, is a mark no mortal wit of surest hand can always hit. For +whatsoe'er we perpetrate, we do but row; we are steered by fate, which +in success often disinherits, for spurious causes, noblest merits. +Great occasions, Mr. SPEAKER, are not always true sons of great and +mighty resolutions, nor, I may add, do the boldest attempts bring +forth events still equal to their worth. That may be the case with +us; but at least we shall carry to our homes the consciousness that we +have diligently striven to do our duty to our QUEEN and our country." +General cheering at this little speech, and scarcely dry eye on +Treasury Bench. + +_Business done_.--Compensation Bill in fresh difficulties. + +_Thursday_.--Sitting remarkable for two speeches from ordinarily +silent Members. Began and ended proceedings. First was by WHARTON, on +presenting petition signed by over half a million persons in favour of +Compensation Clauses of Licensing Bill. Petition brought down in three +cases by PICKFORD'S van. Conveniently disposed on floor of House; +occupied the whole space. Perturbation on Treasury Bench at the report +that there was Royal Commission going forward in other House. Time +of the Session when these are frequent. Black Rod arrives; requests +attendance of Members to hear Commission read. Advances towards table, +bowing to chair; retires backward; SPEAKER follows him. How would it +be to-day, with floor blocked with towering cases? Black Rod an old +sailor, might haul himself up hand-over-hand, and skip across tops +of cases; but never do for the SPEAKER so to scramble out. Hasty and +anxious inquiry made. Turned out to be no Royal Commission to-day; so +new disaster for Ministers avoided. + +WHARTON succeeds somehow when presenting Petition in casting sort +of Cathedral Close air over proceedings. Life-long association with +cathedrals and their precincts have invested him with placid charm +of manner: would have made an excellent Dean; gone off capitally as a +Canon; now, as he waves his hand towards the space lately crowded by +the Petition, wears subtle, indescribable, but unmistakable air, as if +he were taking part in a Confirmation Service. + +[Illustration: A Maiden Speech.] + +The other orator, GRIMSTON, considerably less ecclesiastical in his +manner. Appeared suddenly on scene at midnight: maiden speech; very +effective. "Mr. COURTNEY, Sir," he said, diffidently hiding his hands +in his trousers' pockets, "I claim the indulgence the House always +extends to young Members, in rising to address it for the first time. +I beg to move that the question be now put," Question put accordingly; +debate Closured, and so home. + +_Business done_.--Quite a lot. Licensing Clauses finally dropped; +Allotments Bill read Third Time; Barracks Bill through Committee. + +_Friday_.--Police in possession of House to-night. MATTHEWS moved +Second Reading of Bill dealing with Force. Quite unusual consensus +of approval, considering it is a Government Bill. Only for GEORGE +CAMPBELL, chorus would have been unanimous. But GEORGE, looking +in from Zanzibar, where he had called after a brief trip through +Jerusalem and Madagascar, denounced the measure as "thoroughly bad." +House thereupon passed Second Reading without division. + +_Business done_.--Police Bill read Second Time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _From Report of Debate on Hares Preservation Bill, June +26_.--"They (the other Members of Parliament) could not go out and +kill 300 Dodos,"--but evidently _he_ (Sir W.V. HARCOURT) could, and +here he is--caught in the act!] + + * * * * * + +"The Oof Bird" is the Auk, as _Cornhill Mag._ says its eggs cost L170 +apiece,--of course when fresh. What a big lark!--Yours, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +99, JULY 5, 1890*** + + +******* This file should be named 11726.txt or 11726.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/2/11726 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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