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C. Burnand</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 5, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" + id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2> + + <p>We understand that careful observers have noted a + considerable amount of disturbance in the House of Commons + during the past three weeks. Various reasons have, as usual, + been advanced to account for this phenomenon, one eminent + politician having gone so far as to hint darkly at the + existence of Cave-men (or Troglodytes), who dwell in + barrows.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The weather has been subject to strange variations. The mean + temperature of the isothermal lines, when reduced to fractions + of an infinitesimal value, has been found to correspond exactly + to the elevation of the nap on the hat of a certain sporting + Earl. Dividing that by the number of buttons on a + costermonger's waistcoat, and adding to the quotient the number + of aspirates picked up in the Old Kent Road on a Saturday + afternoon, the result has been computed as equal to the total + amount of minutes occupied by a vendor of saveloys in + advertising his wares in the Pall Mall Clubs.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Candour is at times inconvenient. A prominent member of a + Metropolitan Vestry was informed two days ago by one of the + permanent scavengers of the district, that he "wasn't worth the + price of a second-hand boot-lace." On inquiring the meaning of + this curious phrase, he was told that "his blooming head would + be knocked off for two-pence." We understand that the + Vestryman's vote on a question of salary is responsible for the + indignation of the scavenger, a member of a class usually noted + for their somewhat ceremonious courtesy.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Those who propose to travel this year will doubtless be glad + to learn that the Hessian fly has been observed in unusual + abundance in Westphalia. This succulent <i>morceau</i> is now + eaten fried, with a sauce of devilled lentils and oil.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It appears, after all, that there is no very definite + foundation for the report that Sir EDWARD WATKIN is said to be + disappointed in the competitive designs sent in for his Tower, + because none of them provide sleeping accommodation for 2000 + people on the top storey. Of course something must have given + rise to the rumour, but it is not easy to say exactly what. One + competitor has already, however, it appears, intimated his + readiness to make the required addition, by hanging his beds + over the side of the Tower on "extended poles." The question + is, "Would Sir WATKIN be able to induce his patrons 'to turn + in' under such conditions?" There's the rub.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>STANLEY'S <i>Darkest Africa</i> (SAMPSON LOW) swamps all + other books just now, except, of course, the Other STANLEY + book, called <i>A Light on the Keep-it-Quite-the-Darkest + Africa</i> (TRISCHLER & Co.) which follows closely at its + heels. The real STANLEY narrative is most interesting and + exciting; it is a book that will make everyone "sit + up"—at night to read it. The centre of attraction is in + the answer to the question, "How did I find EMIN?" Which is, + "Quite well, thank you."</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." reports that he has been doing his duty + nobly as a novel-reader. He has already devoured Vol. III. of + the <i>Man with a Secret</i>. He would attack Vols. I. and II. + if he had not had (so he says) quite enough of the Man + <i>and</i> his Secret. <i>Innocent Victims</i> is written in + the temperance interest. "Co." has every sympathy with the + cause of undiluted water, but fears that this "story of London + Life and Labour" may end in drink. He found it himself a little + dry, and was not cheered by the name of the author, HUGH DOWNE, + which seemed to suggest he could not get up again. He is + eagerly waiting for more fiction, as "<i>Expiation</i>" by + OCTAVE THANET has scarcely satisfied his craving for the weird + and the horrible. In the meanwhile, he has found a cheerful + interlude in <i>Sanity and Insanity</i>, a text-book (written + in a popular yet scientific strain) of the maladies of the + mind. He says, that Dr. MERCIER, the author, is to be + congratulated on having treated a rather "jumpy" subject in a + manner that can offend no one. "Co." had no idea up to now, + that "t'other was so like unto which."</p> + + <p>All the Magazines for July are in, but the Baron has been + unable to open them, and "Co." has cut them. BARON DE + BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After Charles Kingsley—at a respectful + distance.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dress well, sweet Maid, and let who will be + <i>clever.</i></p> + + <p class="i10">Dance, flirt, and sing!</p> + + <p class="i10">Don't study all day long.</p> + + <p class="i10">Or else you'll find,</p> + + <p class="i10">When other girls get married,</p> + + <p class="i10">You'll sing a different song!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>SAD NEWS FROM ETON.—"Bever" is dead. Sorrowing boys + followed the bier. The Bever-age has ceased to exist. What + next? Will the characteristic Etonian top-hat follow the + Bever?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HIS FIRST ACHE.</h3>"OH, MAMMY! I'VE GOT SUCH A PAIN IN + FRONT OF ME!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BEFORE BISLEY.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Office of the</i> Commanding + Commander-in-Chief. The C.C.-in-Chief <i>discovered. To him + enter</i> H.R.H. GEORGE RANGER.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> You sent for me, <i>Mr. Punch</i>. I beg + pardon, I should say, your Excellency?</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> (<i>severely</i>). Be careful, Sir, and + remember in whose presence you are! I believe about a month ago + you asked for subscriptions in aid of the National Rifle + Association?</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i>. Yes, <i>Mr. P</i>.—I should say, + your Excellency.</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in C.</i> And I presume the N.R.A. have been put to + very great expense in changing from Wimbledon to Bisley?</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> Yes, I am sorry to say + so,—personally sorry. Although the bullets may have + played the mischief with the adjoining property, still I + think—</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> (<i>severely</i>). We are not discussing + Wimbledon now, Sir. Am I right in assuming that the reason + funds were requested was to put Bisley in a proper condition + for the reception of the Volunteers?</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> Of course. I am sure I am the best friend + of the Volunteers, and—</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). How comes it then + that when the Volunteers (whose own ranges are being closed all + round London) ask for permission to shoot at Bisley, they are + told that they may not have it, because "the range is required + for the regular troops."</p> + + <p><i>H.R.H.G.R.</i> Well, as Commander-in-Chief, of course I + must consider the Army, and as—</p> + + <p><i>C.C.-in-C.</i> President of the N.R.A., you should + consider the Volunteers—but you don't! Now see here, if I + hear any more of this sort of thing, I tell you frankly + that—</p> + + <p><i>[Scene closes in, as the threat is too terrible for + publication]</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + + <h4>QUALIFIED RECOMMENDATION.</h4> + + <p>"<i>A. Nobleman wishes particularly to recommend his + Coachman, who is leaving his service, solely owing to domestic + changes</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, Having been detected falsifying his + stable accounts, and threatened in consequence with + prosecution, he retaliates by a menace to disclose certain + unpleasant family secrets, picked up in the servants' hall, to + a Society journal.</p> + + <h4>TRADE EMBELLISHMENTS.</h4> + + <p>"<i>If applied but once gently with the palm of the hand, it + will afford the sufferer delightful and instantaneous + relief</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, It at once removes the skin, and if + rubbed in with vigour will flay a horse.</p> + + <h4>PLATFORMULARS.</h4> + + <p>"<i>I feel that I have already trespassed upon your + patience, and detained you an unconscionable time</i>;" + <i>i.e.</i>, "Your attention seems flagging. I want a moment or + two for reflection, and a cue to go on again."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE RACK OF THE RATE-PAYER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Victim of "Quinquennial Valuation."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Parochial Authorities have a way of their own in + interpreting Acts of Parliament, and a very peculiar way + indeed of dealing with the Valuation Act.... Overseers go + their own way, and interpret the Act according to their + knowledge and experience; and in many cases experience is + lacking, and knowledge an altogether unknown quantity.... + When dealing with leasehold property, overseers positively + revel in the most delightful caprice. The leaseholder's + property is dealt with kindly or the reverse, just as it is + in this or that parish."—<i>James's Gazette</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tennyson talks of "gay quinquenniads." Yes,</p> + + <p class="i2">But he would mention them with less + elation</p> + + <p>If he had my experience, I guess,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the <i>not</i> gay Quinquennial + Valuation!</p> + + <p>I am not now so young as once I was,</p> + + <p class="i2">I have arrived at the Golosh and Gamp + Age,</p> + + <p>I am not equal to contend—that's + poz—</p> + + <p class="i2">With the Parochial Fathers on the + rampage.</p> + + <p>Ah me, these Vestry vultures on the pounce!</p> + + <p class="i2">They scare me, skin me, bully me, and + bilk me.</p> + + <p>Soon of my flesh they'll scarce have left an + ounce,</p> + + <p class="i2">They so persistently maul, mulct, and + milk me.</p> + + <p>Once in five years they send me papers blue,</p> + + <p class="i2">And papers white, and likewise papers + yellow;</p> + + <p>They "want to know, you know," indeed they do.</p> + + <p class="i2">First the "First Clerk," a devil of a + fellow!</p> + + <p>Challenges me to up and tell him all</p> + + <p class="i2">About gross value, also value + rateable.</p> + + <p>It's all pure fudge. I am their helpless thrall,</p> + + <p class="i2">To an extent in civil speech + unstateable.</p> + + <p>They will not take <i>my</i> word. If I appeal,</p> + + <p class="i2">They hale me up before a stern + Committee,</p> + + <p>Fellows with brazen faces, hearts of steel,</p> + + <p class="i2">And destitute of manners as of pity.</p> + + <p>My solemn statement, or my mild demur,</p> + + <p class="i2">To them a subject of fierce scorn and + scoff is;</p> + + <p>An honest citizen feels but a cur</p> + + <p class="i2">When snapped and snarled at by these + Jacks-in-Office.</p> + + <p>They're sure to have the pull of me somehow;</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh! I've read "Handbooks." I've attended + Meetings</p> + + <p>Where angry ratepayers raise fruitless row;</p> + + <p class="i2">But, bless you, these bold roarings turn + to bleatings,</p> + + <p>When they the cruel inquisition face</p> + + <p class="i2">Of some austere Committee of + Assessment.</p> + + <p>Until I found myself in that dread place</p> + + <p class="i2">I never knew what fogged and foiled + distress meant.</p> + + <p>Between them and my Landlord I've no peace.</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm honest, but they treat me as "a wrong + one."</p> + + <p>I'm a Shopkeeper, holding a short lease</p> + + <p class="i2">(My Landlord takes good care it's not a + long one).</p> + + <p>Once in seven years the Landlord lifts my Rent,</p> + + <p class="i2">And once in five my Rates the Assessor + raises,</p> + + <p>Values, Gross, Rateable, so much per cent.?</p> + + <p class="i2">Bah! the attempt to fathom them but + crazes!</p> + + <p>The only regular rule is—Up! Up! Up!</p> + + <p class="i2">And any protest only brings upon you</p> + + <p>Your Landlord's wrath, and cheek from some sleek + pup,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who bullies you; and laughs when he has + done you.</p> + + <p>"Pay and look pleasant," is the official rule,</p> + + <p class="i2">And as to wife and child, and food and + raiment,</p> + + <p>You <i>may</i> attend to them, poor drudging + fool!</p> + + <p class="i2">When of your Rent and Rates you've made + full payment.</p> + + <p>Yes, Rent and Rates! they are the modern gods,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Moloch's tyranny was not more + cruel.</p> + + <p>With Landlord or with Vestry get at odds,</p> + + <p class="i2">And you're gone coon; they'll soon give + you your gruel.</p> + + <p>Just now Vestrydom's victims are a-howl</p> + + <p class="i2">With rage at skinning; but their + indignation</p> + + <p>Will fade, and they will feed the Official Ghoul</p> + + <p class="i2">Until the next Quinquennial + Valuation.</p> + + <p>And then—well, Lord knows what may happen + <i>then</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Unless—unless—and that is + most improbable—</p> + + <p>Ratepayers rise <i>together</i>—show they're + men,</p> + + <p class="i2">And not mere sheep gregarious, + warm-fleeced, robbable.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the Vestry Vultures gorge their fill,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I am warned—by + friends—"<i>Don't put their backs up!</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Their</i> backs! And we sing "<i>Rule + Britannia</i>" still!!</p> + + <p class="i2">Will <i>no one</i> chaw these fine + official Jacks up?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <h2>THE KREUTZER SONATA.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">One <i>Pozdnisheff</i> by name</p> + + <p class="i4">Played the matrimonial game;</p> + + <p class="i4">Pleased by a little curl,</p> + + <p class="i4">Which round his heart did twirl,</p> + + <p class="i4">And taken by a jersey</p> + + <p class="i4">(Exported from the Mersey);</p> + + <p class="i4">He felt, poor man, half-witted</p> + + <p class="i4">When he saw how well it fitted!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The mother, with her jersey-clad young daughter,</p> + + <p>Asked the lover to a party on the water.</p> + + <p class="i4">Soft things he now could say</p> + + <p class="i4">To the maiden all the way,</p> + + <p>Till she caught him—who imagined he had caught + her!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Now there came a young musician, + <i>Troukachevsky</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who, at Petersburg, resided on the + Nevsky;</p> + + <p class="i2">And to play with him the flighty wife was + fated</p> + + <p class="i2">In the famed duet to KREUTZEE + dedicated.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">The husband who perceived things were not + right,</p> + + <p class="i2">Home suddenly returned at dead of + night.</p> + + <p class="i4">His boots he'd taken off;</p> + + <p class="i4">He was careful not to cough;</p> + + <p class="i4">And his plans so well were woven,</p> + + <p class="i4">That they still performed Beethoven.</p> + + <p class="i4">But, neither being deaf,</p> + + <p class="i4">They at last heard + <i>Pozdnisheff</i>.</p> + + <p class="i4">Poor wife! He so affrights her,</p> + + <p class="i4">That she plays no more the + <i>Kreutzer</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">If on each foot he'd had a slipper</p> + + <p class="i4">To Troukachevsky (who was saved)</p> + + <p class="i4">The husband would have p'rhaps + behaved</p> + + <p class="i2">Much in the style of Jack the Ripper.</p> + + <p class="i2">He put to flight the dilettante</p> + + <p class="i2">(Who hadn't finished half the + <i>andante</i>),</p> + + <p class="i2">But feared the servants' mockings</p> + + <p class="i2">Should they see him in his stockings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Racing along the corridor:—</p> + + <p class="i2">Not that he thought it horrid, or</p> + + <p class="i2">Harsh to transfix him with a dagger,</p> + + <p class="i2">(He could not bear the fiddler's + swagger),</p> + + <p class="i2">But felt quite sure so droll a figure</p> + + <p class="i2">Would make his rude domestics + snigger.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">And now his wife cries out for mercy</p> + + <p class="i2">(No more she wears that fetching + jersey);</p> + + <p class="i2">And all in vain she pity claims:</p> + + <p class="i2">The dagger ruthlessly he aims,</p> + + <p class="i2">And through the whale-bone of her + corset</p> + + <p class="i2">Tries unsuccessfully to force it.</p> + + <p class="i2">At last he feels that he's succeeded,</p> + + <p class="i2">A little more than p'rhaps was + needed.</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah, that by taking out the knife</p> + + <p class="i2">He now could bring her back to life!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">'Twas his habit, when he got into a + pet,</p> + + <p class="i2">Invariably to light a cigarette;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, having killed his wife, he never + spoke</p> + + <p class="i2">One word until he'd had a quiet + smoke.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When he saw that it was time, he called a + p'liceman,</p> + + <p>And exclaimed, "Oh, I have broken the Tsar's peace, + man.</p> + + <p>I've killed my wife!—I did it in a + fury—</p> + + <p>But I wish the matter brought before a jury."</p> + + <p>And the jury, after hearing all the case,</p> + + <p>Said, "Not Guilty. We'd have done it in his + place."</p> + + <p>And he lately, in a Russian railway carriage,</p> + + <p>Told Count TOLSTOI all the story of his + marriage.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"The Law of Arms is such."—Mr. Punch greatly regrets + that he was unable to be present at the Annual Inspection of + the Inns of Court Volunteers, when members were requested to + "show every article of equipment and clothing of which they + were in possession." No doubt the exhibition was as interesting + as imposing. It is rumoured that the display of wigs and gowns + (worn in Court) and lawn-tennis blazers (used in the Temple + Gardens) was absolutely magnificent. It is further reported + that the large collection of go-to-meeting hats, frock-coats, + and patent-leather boots extorted universal admiration from all + beholders. To his sorrow, a prior engagement prevented Mr. A. + BRIEFLESS Junior, (who is an Hon. Member of the Corps), from + putting in an appearance.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/3.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE PROPOSED NATIONAL GALLERY OF BRITISH ART IN + DANGER.</h3><i>Mr. Henry Tate</i>. "NO, THANK YOU, MR. RED + TAPE, I DON'T WANT MY GIFTS TO THE NATION TO BE TIED UP BY + <i>YOU</i>, THEN PACKED AWAY, AND NEVER SEEN AGAIN!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WHAT IT WILL COME TO;</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE COURT, THE CHASE, AND THE CURSE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS used some strong language + yesterday in reference to the small room in which he was + called upon to administer Justice while the Worship Street + Police Court is being renovated."—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A small apartment in a Metropolitan + Police Court</i>. Presiding Magistrate <i>and</i> Clerk + <i>discovered</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Presiding Magistrate</i>. There! You and I can sit here, + and the rest can remain outside. And now I will take the night + charges.</p> + + <p><i>Voice from Passage</i> (<i>without</i>). Please, your + worship, as I was on duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>putting his head in</i>). Sorry to + trouble you, Sir, but we have got something to do to the + flooring. Must ask you to be off.</p> + + <p><i>P.M.</i> (<i>restraining his indignation</i>). Very well; + the Court is adjourned to the back garden. (<i>Scene changes to + that locality.</i>) Come, this is better! Fresh air, in spite + of the smuts! And now, Constable, go on with your evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Police Constable</i>. Well, your Worship, as I was on + duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>entering</i>). Very sorry to trouble you + again, Sir, but there's something wrong with the drains. We + think the pipes are out of order, and so we shall have to dig + them up. So, if you don't mind moving—</p> + + <p><i>P.M.</i> (<i>restraining his indignation</i>). Very well; + the Court is adjourned to the coal-cellar. (<i>Scene changes to + that locality.</i>) Come, this is not so bad! Very cool, if + rather damp. And now, Constable, go on with your evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Police Constable</i>. Well, your Worship, as I was on + duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Coalheaver</i> (<i>speaking through hole in roof</i>). + Sorry to disturb you, gents, but as me and my mates are going + to put some coals in this here cellar, I thought it good + manners to tell you all to clear out.</p> + + <p><i>P.M.</i> (<i>restraining his indignation</i>). The Court + is adjourned to the housetop. (<i>Scene changes to that + locality.</i>) Come, this is not so bad! Nice breeze up here. A + little difficult to sit upon a sloping roof, perhaps; but one + gets accustomed to everything. And now, Constable, go on with + your evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Police Constable</i>. Well, your Worship, as I was on + duty last night, this man—</p> + + <p><i>Sweep</i> (<i>entering</i>). Sorry to disturb you, mates, + but I am just agoing to sweep the chimneys; and—</p> + + <p><i>Police Magistrate</i> (<i>unable to restrain his + indignation any longer</i>). Oh—!!!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Curtain hurriedly conceals the strong but + natural exclamation.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/4.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>EXCELSIOR! OR, THE DAY-DREAM OF DRURIOLANUS.</h3> + + <p><i>Elected Sheriff, June 27, he dreams that he is + encountered on his road by the fairy forms of Harry + Nicholls and Herbert Campbell.</i></p> + + <p><i>Voices of Fairy Forms</i>. "ALL HAIL, DRURIOLANUS! + SHERIFF THOU ART, AND SHALT BE MAYOR HEREAFTER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT THE MILITARY TOURNAMENT.</h3> + + <h4>SCENE—<i>The Agricultural Hall. Tent-pegging going + on</i>.</h4> + + <p><i>Stentorian Judge</i> (<i>in Arena</i>). Corporal BINKS! + (<i>The Assistants give a finishing blow to the peg, and fall + back</i>. Corporal BINKS <i>gallops in, misses the peg, and + rides off, relieving his feelings by whirling his lance + defiantly in the air</i>.) Corporal BINKS—nothing!</p> + + <p><i>A Gushing Lady</i>. Poor dear thing! I <i>do</i> wish + he'd struck it! he did look so disappointed, and so did that + sweet horse!</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i>. Serjeant SPANKER! (Sergeant S. <i>gallops + in, spears the peg neatly, and carries it off triumphantly on + the point of the lance, after which he rides back and returns + the peg to the Assistants as a piece of valuable property of + which he has accidentally deprived them</i>) Sergeant + SPANKER—eight! (<i>Applause; the Assistants drive in + another peg.</i>) Corporal CUTLASH! (Corporal C. <i>enters, + strikes the peg, and dislodges without securing it. Immense + applause from the Crowd</i>.) Corporal CUTLASH—two!</p> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i>. Only two, and when he really did + hit the peg! I do call that a shame. I should have given him + more marks than the other man—he has such a <i>much</i> + nicer face!</p> + + <p><i>A Child with a Thirst for Information</i>. Uncle, why do + they call it <i>tent</i>-pegging?</p> + + <p><i>The Uncle</i>. Why? Well, because those pegs are what + they fasten down tents with.</p> + + <p><i>The Child</i>. But why isn't there a tent now?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. Because there's no use for one.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. Why?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. Because all they want to do is to pick up the + peg with the point of their lance.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. Yes, but why <i>should</i> they want to do + it?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. Oh, to amuse their horses. (<i>The</i> Child + <i>ponders upon this answer with a view to a fresh catechism + upon the equine passion for entertainment, and the + desirability, or otherwise, of gratifying it</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>A Chatty Man in the Promenade</i> (<i>to his</i> + Neighbour). Takes a deal of practice to strike them pegs fair + and full.</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i> (<i>who holds advanced Socialistic + opinions</i>). Ah, I dessay—and a pity they can't make no + better use o' their time! Spoiling good wood, <i>I</i> call it. + I don't see no point in it myself.</p> + + <p><i>The Chatty Man</i>. Well, it shows they can <i>ride</i>, + at any rate.</p> + + <p><i>The Socialist</i>. Ride? O' course they can + <i>ride</i>—we pay enough for 'aving 'em taught, don't + we? But you mark my words, the People won't put up with this + state of things much longer—keepin' a set of 'ired + murderers in luxury and hidleness. I tell yer, wherever I come + across one of these great lanky louts strutting about in his + red coat, as if he was one of the lords of the hearth, + well—it makes my nose bleed, ah—it <i>does</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Chatty Man</i>. If that's the way you talk to him, I + ain't surprised if it do.</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i>. Sword <i>versus</i> Sword! Come in, there! + (<i>Two mounted Combatants, in leather jerkins and black + visors, armed with sword-sticks, enter the ring</i>; Judge + <i>introduces them to audience with the aid of a flag</i>.) + Corporal JONES, of the Wessex Yeomanry; Sergeant SMITH, of the + Manx Mounted Infantry. (<i>Their swords are chalked by the + Assistants</i>.) Are you ready? Left turn! Countermarch! + Engage! (<i>The Combatants wheel round and face one another, + each vigorously spurring his horse and prodding cautiously at + the other; the two horses seem determined not to be drawn into + the affair themselves on any account, and take no personal + interest in the conflict; the umpires skip and dodge at the + rear of the horses, until one of the Combatants gets in with a + rattling blow on the other's head, to the intense delight of + audience. Both men are brushed down, and their weapons + re-chalked, whereupon they engage once more</i>—<i>much + to the disgust of their horses, who had evidently been hoping + it was all over. After the contest is finally decided, a second + pair of Combatants enter; one is mounted on a black horse, the + other on a chestnut, who refuses to lend himself to the + business on any terms, and bolts on principle; while the rider + of the black horse remains in stationary meditation</i>.) Go + on—that black horse—go on! (<i>The chestnut is at + length brought up to the scratch snorting, but again flinches, + and retires with his rider</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>The Crowd</i> (<i>to rider of black horse</i>). Go on, + now's your chance! 'It him! (<i>The recipient of these counsels + pursues his antagonist, and belabours him and his horse with + impartial good-will until separated by the Umpires, who examine + the chalk-marks with a professional scrutiny.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i>. Here, you on the black horse, you mustn't + hit that other horse about the head. (<i>The man addressed + appears rebuked and surprised under his black-wired visor</i>; + The Judge, <i>reassuringly</i>.) It's all <i>right</i>, you + know; only, don't do it again, that's all! (<i>The Combatant + sits up again.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i>. Oh, I can't bear to look on, + really. I'm <i>sure</i> they oughtn't to hit so + hard—<i>how</i> their poor dear heads must ache! Isn't + that chestnut a <i>duck</i>? I'm sure he's trying to save his + master from getting hurt—they're such sensible creatures, + horses are! (<i>Artillery teams drive in, and gallop between + the posts; the Crowd going frantic with delight when the posts + remain upright, and roaring with laughter when one is knocked + over</i>.)</p> + + <h4>DURING THE MUSICAL RIDE.</h4> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i>. Oh, they're simply too + <i>sweet</i>! how those horses are enjoying it—aren't + they pets? and how perfectly they keep step to the music, don't + they?</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i> (<i>who is beginning to get a trifle tired + by her enthusiasm</i>). Yes; but then they're all trained by + Madame KATTI LANNER, of Drury Lane, you see.</p> + + <p><i>The G.L.</i> What pains she must have taken with them; + but you can teach a horse <i>anything</i>, can't you?</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i>. Oh, that's nothing; next year they're + going to have a horse who'll dance the Highland Fling.</p> + + <p><i>The Socialist</i>. A pretty sight? Cost a pretty sight o' + the People's money, I know that. Tomfoolery, that's what it is; + a set of dressed-up bullies dancin' quadrilles on 'orseback; + <i>that</i> ain't military manoeuvrin'. It's sickenin' the way + fools applaud such goins on. And cuttin off the Saracen's 'ed, + too; I'd call it plucky if the Saracen 'ad a gun in his 'and. + Bah, I ate the ole business!</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i>. Got anybody along with you, Mate?</p> + + <p><i>The Socialist</i>. No, I don't want anybody along with + <i>me</i>, I don't.</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i>. That's a pity, that is. A + sweet-tempered, pleasant-spoken party like you are oughtn't to + go about by yourself. You ought to bring somebody just to enjoy + your conversation. There don't seem to be anybody '<i>ere</i> + of your way of thinkin'.</p> + + <h4>DURING THE COMBINED DISPLAY.</h4> + + <p><i>The Gushing Lady</i> (<i>as the Cyclist Corps enter</i>). + Oh, they've got a <i>dog</i> with them. Do look—such a + dear! See, they've tied a letter round his neck. He'll come + back with an answer presently. (<i>But, there being apparently + no answer to this communication, the faithful but prudent + animal does not re-appear</i>.)</p> + + <h4>AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.</h4> + + <p><i>The Inquisitive Child</i>. Uncle, which side won?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. I suppose the side that advanced across the + bridges.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. Which side <i>would</i> have won if it had + been a <i>real</i> battle?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. I really couldn't undertake to say, my + boy.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. But which do you <i>think</i> would have + won?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i>. I suppose the side that fought best.</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. But which side was <i>that</i>? (<i>The</i> + Uncle <i>begins to find that the society of an intelligent</i> + Nephew <i>entails too severe a mental strain to be frequently + cultivated.</i>)</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> + + <h2>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday 23</i>.—Operatic world all agog to hear, and + to see, <i>Le Prophète</i>. First appearance for many + years. Great things expected of JEAN DE RESZKÉ as + <i>Jean of Leyden</i>, and Mlle. RICHARD as <i>Fides</i>. Great + expectations not disappointed. Scene in Cathedral magnificent + as a spectacle. But scene in Cathedral between JEAN and his + unhappy mother still grander as acting. <i>Le + Prophète</i> is remarkable too, as being an Opera + without Mlle. BAUERMEISTER in it. Skating scene, with a nice + ballet, rather a frost. "Not sufficient go in it," observes + veteran Opera-goer, with book in his hand, dated eighteen + hundred and sixty something, containing a cast of characters + which, he says, though he doesn't show me the book, comprises + the names of MARIO, GRISI, VIARDOT-GARCIA, and HERR FORMES. A + more veterany veteran tells me that GRISI and VIARDOT never + played together in this, but that GRISI succeeded VIARDOT as + <i>Fides</i>.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/5-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-1.png" + alt="" /></a>MONDAY, JUNE 23.<br /> + Jean de Reszké as Jean of Leyden. Jeanne The Risky + as Sarah d'Arc. + </div> + + <p>Even the veteran is pleased, and acknowledges that thirty + years ago they couldn't have done it as they do now, barring + the skating scene, where, he insists upon it, the original "go" + is wanting. The fact is, we have long passed the days when + "rinking" was a novelty on the stage or off it. But what a + jolly lot these Anabaptists were! They enjoyed themselves with + their dancing-girls and their picnicking on the ice. Substitute + General BOOTH for <i>Jean of Leyden</i>, and the tambourine + girls for PALLADINO and the ballet, and then you have a modern + version of <i>Le Prophète</i>.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/5-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-2.png" + alt="" /></a> Mlle. Richard as Fides,—not Boney + Fides. + </div> + + <p>Delightful to see M. MIRANDA as one of the three + Anabaptists, <i>Mathisen</i> (a good name in the city, with + only a letter changed), striking a sixteenth century flint, for + the purpose of lighting a candle, but, failing in the attempt, + compelled to destroy sixteenth-century illusion, and employ, in + a sneaking kind of way, the nineteenth-century match, which + strikes only on its own box. Mlle. NUOVINA, not so good here as + in the part of <i>Marguerite</i>, but there is very little for + a soprano to do. JEAN reckless in the final drinking song.</p> + + <p>The voice of DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS is heard at the wings. + The stage-manager's assistant is evidently nervous, and the + curtain, after once going up a little way and coming down + again, ascends suddenly, in spite of adjuration of DRURIOLANUS + to "Wait! wait!" No hitch, and in another moment DRURIOLANUS, + calm, but with suppressed emotion, is watching the scene from + the front.</p> + + <p>"Ah," he murmurs to himself, "if I could only get Guildhall + to do what I like in on that Ninth, of November when I shall be + Lord Mayor. I'd soon show 'em what's what. I'd have a + coronation, or investiture, scene to which this should be mere + child's play."</p> + + <p>EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ excellent as + <i>Zacharias</i>—a, name chiefly associated with one of + Lieutenant COLE'S characters, a Mawworm who looks over the + screen; and M. MONTARIOL good as a lighter-hearted Anabaptist. + A memorable revival.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—<i>Les Huguenots</i>. Return of Mlle. + BAUERMEISTER after one night's absence. + <i>Wednesday.—Carmen</i>, as before.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—<i>Rigoletto</i>. Fine house to hear + this Opera. <i>Le Prince s'amuse</i>. The Princess also. Mlle. + MELBA excellent; should be known as "Her Grace." M. LASSALLE, + not ideal Jester, physically, but, vocally, never was + <i>Rigoletto</i> better. Signor VALERO a good Ducal tenor: he + scores a treble—(a thing to be done in whist and + music)—<i>i.e.</i>, treble <i>encore</i> for "<i>La Donna + è Mobile</i>." Madame SCALCHI, of course, good as usual, + and Signor MIRANDA (why not FERDINAND MIRANDA, and be + thoroughly Shakspearian at once?) energetic as + <i>Monterone</i>. FERDINAND MIRANDA always conscientious actor. + Not last, but quite the least, comes Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER, + as <i>Giovanna</i>, without whom no Opera at Covent Garden can + be considered as really complete. This is the only defect + on</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>, in <i>Le Prophète</i>, which is + given again and again—no part for Mlle. + BAUERMEISTERSINGER. Every place in the House taken. Profit here + and Loss for those who can't get seats to hear it. Great + excitement to know whether DRURIOLANUS is elected Sheriff or + not. Early in the evening contradictory rumours in Lobby. At + last the numbers are up. DRURIOLANUS elected. Uncommonly well + he will look in his robes of office. DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS + COUNTI-COUNCILARIUS SHERIFFUS! All hail!</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Cannot be present. Have telegraphed + to DRURIOLANUS,—"Dear Sheriff, cannot come; but don't + close House; let Opera go on as usual." I believe it did.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SARAH JEANNE AT HIS MAYERJESTY'S.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/5-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-3.png" + alt="" /></a>Sarah Jeanne explains symbolically to + rude English soldier that he must "hook it." + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/5-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5-4.png" + alt="" /></a>Back View of New Sarah Jeanne overcoat + for race meetings. + </div> + + <p>SARAH JEANNE of Arc. SARAH wrapt up in the visionary + creation is comparatively lost in the part; that is, until she + comes out magnificently in the last scene but one. Otherwise, + except to look the Martyr, and to languish, nothing much for + SARAH to do. Cathedral scene here rivals that at Covent Garden. + SARAH wins and thrills the audience: her voice soothes them in + their most ruffled humour, even after the audience has been + kept waiting nearly twenty-five minutes between the Acts. + Everyone disappointed that the funeral pile does not catch + fire, and that the Curtain does not descend on a sensational + scene, for which Captain SHAW and his Merry Men would have to + be in attendance. The cast good all round, but it's more of an + Opera, or a religious play, than a Melodrama. GOUNOD'S music + not particularly striking, and the March sounds familiar. SARAH + JEANNE holds the audience spell-bound to the end, rather by + what she doesn't than by what she does, except in the great + scene already mentioned. <i>Jeanne d'Arc</i> is to run on till + further notice, and then Madame SARAH will appear in some of + her well-known parts, and take a temporary farewell of the + British Public. To those who have hitherto neglected + opportunities of seeing SARAH JEANNE let this notice be a + warning, and let them in their thousands hurry up to His + Mayerjesty's.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"CAN WORMS SEE?"—<i>Vide St. James's Gazette</i> and + <i>Field</i>. Correspondent says worms do not shrink from + candle-light, but immediately withdraw under the glare of a + bull's-eye lantern. Evidently for exact information, "Ask a + Policeman." Also consult Baron DE WORMS. He sees his way about + well enough.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/6.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A PRACTICAL MEMENTO.</h3> + + <p><i>Sir James</i>. "AND WERE YOU IN ROME?"</p> + + <p><i>American Lady</i>. "I GUESS NOT." (<i>To her + Daughter</i>.) "SAY, BELLA, DID WE VISIT ROME?"</p> + + <p><i>Fair Daughter</i>. "WHY, MA, CERT'NLY! DON'T YOU + REMEMBER? IT WAS IN ROME WE BOUGHT THE LISLE-THREAD + STOCKINGS!"</p> + + <p>[<i>American Lady is convinced</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"IN TROUBLE."</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Three Men in a Boat!" And you don't often see</p> + + <p class="i2">Pair oars and their cox. in a nastier + fix.</p> + + <p>They started all right, did this nautical Three,</p> + + <p class="i2">But they've managed to get in no end of a + mix.</p> + + <p>That Steersman, he thought a good deal of his + Stroke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And there seemed scarce a steadier + oarsman than Bow,</p> + + <p>But they must have got "skylarking." Ah! it's no + joke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the question is what are they going + to do now?</p> + + <p>For danger's a-head, and 'twill tax all their + skill</p> + + <p>To avoid a capsize and a horrible spill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What can they be up to? a gazer might say,</p> + + <p class="i2">As he watched their eccentric career from + the banks.</p> + + <p>Three 'ARRIES at large on a Bank Holiday</p> + + <p class="i2">Could hardly indulge in more blundering + pranks.</p> + + <p>Stroke "catches a crab" in the clumsiest style,</p> + + <p class="i2">(And they called him a fine finished + oarsman, this chap!)</p> + + <p>At his "Catherine-wheeler" a Cockney might + smile,</p> + + <p class="i2">As he tumbles so helplessly back in Bow's + lap.</p> + + <p>And Bow!—well, he's snapped off the blade of + his scull,</p> + + <p>And poor Cox's steering-gear's all "in a mull."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's all that Stroke's fault—so the whisper + goes round.</p> + + <p class="i2">He <i>would</i> try new dodges, + uncalled-for, unproved,</p> + + <p>They were "going great guns," when he suddenly + found</p> + + <p class="i2">That, to make himself Champion (and get + himself loved</p> + + <p>By the river-side "Bungs" and their large + <i>clientèle</i>),</p> + + <p class="i2">He must—set a new stroke in the + midst of a spin—</p> + + <p>A policy plainly predestined to fail,</p> + + <p class="i2">And one, we must own, scarce deserving to + win.</p> + + <p>And so he has smashed up a shining success,</p> + + <p>And got himself into a deuce of a mess.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So various voices! And this was the oar</p> + + <p class="i2">They triumphantly won from a great rival + crew;</p> + + <p>The cool-headed, steady-nerved Stroke, bound to + score;</p> + + <p class="i2">The fellow who funking or failure ne'er + knew.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> hurry, or falter, catch crabs, miss, or + muff?</p> + + <p class="i2">No, no; lesser men might—say, + GL-DST-NE or SM-TH—</p> + + <p>But <i>he</i> was not made of such common-place + stuff,</p> + + <p class="i2">His nerve was all steel, and his muscle + all pith.</p> + + <p>And now he's adrift amidst snags, stumps, and + rooks,</p> + + <p>And the Coxswain has just lost his rudder—poor + Cox.!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And danger's ahead, and the full of the weir</p> + + <p class="i2">Sounds close, as that Stroke tumbles + "head over tip."</p> + + <p>No wonder poor Bow, his oar bladeless, looks + queer.</p> + + <p class="i2">No wonder the Steersman his yoke-lines + lets slip.</p> + + <p>The Three are "In Trouble," of that there's no + doubt;</p> + + <p class="i2">Stroke mutters, "Obstruction!" Bow talks + of "a foul."</p> + + <p>But when you have muffed it, and foes are about,</p> + + <p class="i2">It isn't much use at bad fortune to + growl.</p> + + <p>No; Stroke, Bow, and Coxswain must "go it like + bricks,"</p> + + <p>If they mean to get out of this troublesome fix.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ERRATUM.—<i>Mr. Punch</i> last week paid the Notts' + Cricketer, GUNN, a well-deserved compliment on his great + innings of 228 against the Australians. He <i>intended</i> to + represent him as piling-up that huge score "against the best + bowling." The obviously accidental substitution of the word + "batting" for "bowling" here, caused "the Nottingham Giant" to + be credited with a novel cricketing performance, to which even + <i>he</i> would hardly be equal. The proverbial Irish gun that + could "shoot round a corner," would not be "in it" with a GUNN + who could "bat against batting!" As a Correspondent (in + slightly different words) suggests:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"When a Champion Batsman's performance + extolling,</p> + + <p>'Tis well to distinguish, 'twixt batting and + bowling!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.—According to <i>Mr. Punch's</i> + sharp contemporary, the <i>Lancet</i>, the effect of + bagpipe-playing upon the teeth is to blunt them; in fact, in + course of time, to wear them away. To the auditor the music has + a contrary effect. <i>Mr. Punch</i> is able to say, from + experience, that he has never listened to the National + instrument of Grand Old Scotland without having his teeth set + on edge.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/7.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"IN TROUBLE."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/9.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/9.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HINTS FOR THE PARK.</h3>WHY NOT HAVE SOMETHING OF THIS + SORT? IT WOULD AT LEAST MAKE THINGS LESS MONOTONOUS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TOUTING FOR TOURISTS.</h2> + + <h3>TO THE EDITOR</h3> + + <h4><i>Of any Paper that inserts Gratuitous + Advertisements.</i></h4> + + <p>SIR,—Kindly contradict the rumour, which I find is + widely spread and appears to be credited in some quarters, that + an extensive sewage farm has been established in front of the + most fashionable terrace in Slushborough-on-Sea, and that a + Smallpox Hospital is about to be built upon the Pier. + "Salubrious Slushborough" still continues (in spite of the + machinations of jealous Northbourne) to be the most select, + popular, and healthy resort on the British coasts.</p> + + <p>Yours disinterestedly, THE MAYOR OF SLUSHBOROUGH.</p> + + <p>SIR,—A report (proceeding, I have reason, to believe, + from ill-conditioned residents at Slushborough) is being + disseminated to the effect, that the water-supply of + Northbourne is largely tainted with typhus and diphtheria + germs, and that an epidemic is already ravaging this place. As + a matter of fact, the only case of illness of any kind in this + town at present is a patient brought over from Slushborough in + the last stage of blood-poisoning, owing to the defective + drainage system there, and who, in this salubrious and + invigorating atmosphere, is now rapidly recovering.</p> + + <p>I remain, Yours &c., THE MAYOR OF NORTHBOURNE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—In view of the correspondence with regard to the + present condition of our popular seaside resorts, it will, I + feel sure, interest your readers to learn that an examination + of the air of Whitecliffe lately made by a local analyst, + reveals the fact that it contains <i>fifty-five per cent. more + ozone than is to be found on the top of Mont Blanc!</i> I + publish this piece of intelligence purely in the interests of + science, and as I am writing I may perhaps take the opportunity + to mention that apartments here are both good and reasonable, + and the bathing first-rate. The same analyst incidentally + discovered that the air at Chorkstone is largely laden with + poisonous bacteria.</p> + + <p>Yours truly, THE MAYOR OF WHITECLIFFE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—At this time of year, when our glorious Lees are + in the full radiance of their summer beauty, it becomes a mere + act of Christian duty to warn intending holiday-makers to avoid + Whitecliffe, and to select Chorkstone as their place of sojourn + instead. An eminent local medical man asserts that morbiferous + germs exist to a very dangerous degree in the Whitecliffe + atmosphere, and that the Whitecliffe water is rendered almost + solid by the multitude of bacilli it contains. Another + Chorkstone resident, who lately visited Whitecliffe, found the + air so relaxing that he fainted away, and had it not been for + the kindness of the landlord of a certain hotel, who had him + carried out of his bar and driven off in a trap to his own + home, he believes he would have succumbed! Comment is + needless.</p> + + <p>Yours impartially, THE MAYOR OF CHORKSTONE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—There is not the slightest foundation for the + ridiculous <i>canard</i> as to the inhabitants of this + picturesque and abnormally fashionable town being "in a state + of complete panic, owing to the fact that all the convicts + recently confined at Shortland have broken out, and are + indulging in frightful excesses in the neighbourhood." The + convicts have <i>not</i> broken out; but an epidemic of + gratuitous mendacity has done so, it appears.</p> + + <p>Yours indignantly, THE MAYOR OF CURDSMOUTH.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Have you heard about the sanitary state of + Shutmouth? Shocking!</p> + + <p>SIR,—As I hear that it is rumoured that M. PASTEUR has + discovered an entirely new and most dangerous kind of bacillus + in the neighbourhood of pine-trees, perhaps I may mention, in + order to reassure our myriads of intending summer visitors, + that the death-rate at this town is one in ten thousand, and + that we should have had <i>no death-rate at all last week</i>, + if the one person referred to had not met with an unfortunate + accident. All the Shutmouth doctors are starving.</p> + + <p>Yours, THE MAYOR OF SHUTMOUTH.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Ought not something to be done to check the + mortality at Curdsmouth? It is disgraceful!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>To the Right Wheel, Barrow!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>CAINE'S action shakes the Unionists' dominion;</p> + + <p class="i2">Against it piteous appeals seem vain;</p> + + <p>But 'tis, in his late colleagues' pained + opinion,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Not</i> "the nice conduct of a clouded + CAINE!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <h2>"THE SEA! THE SEA!"</h2> + + <h3>A BUSINESS-LIKE BALLAD.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Penned by Mr. Punch on behalf of "Nobody's + Boys."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"We propose soon to take our rescued Street-Arabs for 'A + Fortnight's Holiday under Canvas'—<i>by the sea, if + possible."—Appeal of Mr. J.W.C. Fegan, of the Boys' + Home, Southwark</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/10.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Thalatta! Thalatta</i>! Not XENOPHON'S Greeks, O + benevolent Public, but "Nobody's Boys,"</p> + + <p>Wild Arabs of London, by tenderness tamed, at the + sight of the sea vent exuberant joys</p> + + <p>In vociferous shoutings! Imagine the rapture of + wrecks from the gutter and waifs from the slum,</p> + + <p>When first on their ears falls the jubilant thrill + of the sky-soaring lark, or the wild bee's low hum!</p> + + <p>Imagine the pleasure of plunging at will into June's + leafy copses of hazel and lime,</p> + + <p>Of scudding through acres of grasses knee-high, and + of snuffing the fragrance of clover and thyme.</p> + + <p>But what is all this to the dumb-stricken wonder, + swift followed by outbursts of full-throated glee,</p> + + <p>Which fancy can picture, when London's pale outcasts + from some grassy cliff catch first sight of the + Sea!</p> + + <p><i>Thalatta! Thalatta</i>! There's many a lad who + has never before had a glimpse of the wave;</p> + + <p>For these are of those who, from London's dark + wastes 'tis the aim of their leaders to rescue and + save.</p> + + <p>"Nobody's Boys," the lost waifs of the city, + foredoomed, but for aid, to debasement and crime,</p> + + <p>Possible gallows-birds,—they with wan faces + late cleansed from the rookery's hideous grime,</p> + + <p>Snatched from the gutter whilst boyhood bears hope + with it, gathered and tended with vigilant care.</p> + + <p>Servants of soul-thrift their volunteer champions! + Weeds of the slum, with fresh soil and sweet air,</p> + + <p>Grow into grace and fair fruitage. These pariahs, + "Southwark Boys," strays from the slime-sodden + east,</p> + + <p>FEGAN takes forth in gay troops to the meadows, in + freshness of nature to frolic and feast,</p> + + <p>Climb in the woodlands and plunge in the waters, + ramble and scramble through tangle-hedged lanes,</p> + + <p>Fish in the pools with youth's primitive tackle, + breathe quickening vigour through bosoms and + brains.</p> + + <p>Picture the boys "camping out" on the commons, and + gipsying gaily in tents midst the heather,</p> + + <p>Armed with their canvas and blankets and boilers and + pannikins well against hunger and weather.</p> + + <p>Picture them—CALLOT'S free brush might have + managed it—gathered in pow-wow around the + camp-fire,</p> + + <p>Sun-tanned and wind-browned, in picturesque raiment, + with wisp of the wild hop or trail of the briar</p> + + <p>Hat-wreathed or button-holed. BURNS should have sung + of them; trim-skirted Muse, with punctilious + tastes,</p> + + <p>Were not at home with these waifs from the rookery, + pastured at large in free Nature's wild wastes,</p> + + <p>Bounding, and breathing fresh air, romping, + wrestling, and disciplined only to cleanness and + order.</p> + + <p>Otherwise free as the tent-dwelling Arabs, or + outlaws of Sherwood, or bands of the Border.</p> + + <p>Picture it! FEGAN'S pink pamphlet <i>has</i> + pictured it. Read it, all lovers of Nature and + youth,</p> + + <p>All who have care for the wrecks of humanity, all + who are moved by the spirit of ruth.</p> + + <p>Ere Spring returns, far Canadian homesteads will + house their contingents of "Nobody's Boys."</p> + + <p>Let them take with them kind thoughts of Old + England, and memories sweet of its rare rural joys.</p> + + <p>Let them "camp out" once again, by the ocean, and + plunge in the billow, and rove on the sands;</p> + + <p>Know the true British brine-whiff by experience. + Help, British Public, their friends' kindly hands.</p> + + <p>Good is the work, and the fruit of it excellent; + giving poor wastrels a fair start in life,</p> + + <p>Taste of true pleasure, and wholesome enjoyment, aid + in endeavour, and strength for the strife.</p> + + <p>What better use for spare cash at this season? Come + then, <i>Punch</i> readers, right willingly come!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i> knows scarce a cause more + deserving, or worthy of aid, than the Southwark Boys' + Home!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Mem</i>.—Mr. J.W.C. FEGAN, of the Boys' Home, + Southwark, the writer of the pleasant pamphlet entitled + <i>Camping Out</i>, makes appeal towards the expenses of giving + "a fortnight's holiday under canvas—<i>by the sea, if + possible</i>"—to the waifs and strays in Mr. FEGAN'S + Homes. To that gentleman, and NOT to <i>Mr. Punch</i>, + subscriptions should be sent. Remittances may be made to him + (by P.O.O., payable at General Post-Office, or by cheque + crossed "London and County Bank") at the Boys' Home, 95, + Southwark Street, London, S.E.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June 23</i>.—A gleam of + glory in sombre chamber of the Peers; a thin streak of red + making its devious way between the table and the Benches. At + the head comes Black Rod, giving some relief to the glittering + spectacle; Garter King-at-Arms, without whom British + Constitution would be a vain thing, follows. Then the Prince of + WALES, looking a trifle anxious; is bringing out his son and + heir to take his place in the hereditary chamber; anxious that + all should go well. Next the new Duke of CLARENCE, looking very + well in his new Peer's robes, on which his fair mother, seated + with her daughter in side galleries, casts approving glance. + Then the Duke of EDINBURGH, with the stalwart Hereditary Grand + Marshal, Jockey o' Norfolk, and Aveland, Lord Great + Chamberlain.</p> + + <p>Procession strolled in in quite casual way; passed Woolsack + to which HALSBURY lent grace and dignity; New Peer handed his + credentials to LOBD CHANCELLOR; but HALSBURY, above all things, + man of cautious habits. No doubt everything was right and in + order; presence of Prince of WALES guarantee of it; but + HALSBURY not to be taken in. All very well, but all in due + order. So new Peer taken charge of by the Reading Clerk; + Procession moved on to table; documents mumbled over; oath + taken; roll signed. New Peer turned to look at LORD CHANCELLOR; + decidedly more friendly; haughty, forbidding, distrustful look, + vanished from his ordinarily genial countenance. Young Peer + encouraged to venture on friendly nod; LORD CHANCELLOR in + response, lifted three-cornered hat, and on replacing it, was + observed to cock it slightly on one side. Procession now moved + on towards doorway by side of Throne, where was set three + chairs.</p> + + <p>"A little slow isn't it, Sir," said Duke of CLARENCE to + H.R.H.; "suppose we sit down here a bit; Black Rod will go and + fetch us a flagon of Malmsey wine; am told they always keep a + butt on the premises for stray Dukes."</p> + + <p>"No Malmsey for you, CLARENCE," said the Gracious Parent; + "but if you'd like to sit down a moment, you may."</p> + + <p>So new Peer sat in middle chair, Father and Uncle anxiously + regarding him. LORD CHANCELLOR slewed round on Woolsack to see + what was going on behind him. New Peer, making himself quite at + home, put on hat; finding LORD CHANCELLOR staring at him, + uplifted it; LORD CHANCELLOR did same with his. Duke tried + it</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/11.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/11.png" + alt="" /></a><i>From Report of Debate on Hares + Preservation Bill, June 26</i>.—"They (the other + Members of Parliament) could not go out and kill 300 + Dodos,"—but evidently <i>he</i> (Sir W.V. + HARCOURT) could, and here he is—caught in the + act! + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <p>again; LORD CHANCELLOR, comically half turned round on the + Woolsack, followed suit.</p> + + <p>"Do it a third time, CLARENCE," whispered H.R.H., entering + into fun of thing. So the new Peer, always with his eyes + gravely fixed on LORD CHANCELLOR, who, in the excitement of the + moment, had got his left leg cocked over the Woolsack, did it a + third time; LORD CHANCELLOR did the same; Princesses in the + Gallery sweetly smiling; Garter King-at-Arms totting off the + number of salutes; and Black Rod thanking his stars that + presently, when they left the House, he could walk face + forward, not as when he visited the Commons, walking backward + like a crab.</p> + + <p>"I think that'll do," said H.R.H. "HALSBURY is in very + uncomfortable attitude; besides this is a sort of game that + palls after the third round. Go and say good-bye to HALSBURY, + and we'll go and have a cup of tea with your mother."</p> + + <p>Procession reformed; New Peer led up to Woolsack, where LORD + CHANCELLOR, with little gesture of surprise, as if he had only + now caught sight of him for first time, shook hands with him. + Prince of Wales lifted his cap to LORD CHANCELLOR; LORD + CHANCELLOR lifted his cap to Prince of WALES; the other Princes + followed suit; Black Rod toddled off; and the gay and gorgeous + procession disappeared through the doorway, leaving the Chamber + in sudden twilight, as if the sun had dipped below the + horizon.</p> + + <p>An exceedingly friendly meeting all round; quite + contagious.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/12-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-1.png" + alt="" /></a>"Toby, M.P., I presume?" + </div> + + <p>"TOBY, M.P., I presume?" said BROADHURST, as I walked out. + He had been looking on, and had quite caught the graceful + manner of the LORD CHANCELLOR. I raised my hat three times, and + went on to the Commons, where there were wigs on the Green.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Commons, Compensation Clauses + withdrawn.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—TIM HEALY puts final spoke in wheel of + Compensation Bill. Rose after questions on paper disposed of, + and asked for ruling of SPEAKER on an important point affecting + Parliamentary Procedure. TIM'S manner boded ill for the + Government—deferential, low-voiced, with total absence of + self-assertion or aggression, TIM stood, the very model of a + modest young man.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said Prince ARTHUR, "but I hope he's not going to + say anything about Irish business. When he's in this mood, I + prefer he should address himself to my dear friend JOKIM."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/12-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-2.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Right Hon. A. Balfour</i>. "My dearest + Tim, 'for this relief much thanks!'" + </div> + + <p>TIM had anticipated Prince ARTHUR'S wishes. It <i>was</i> + about Compensation Bill that he desired to consult SPEAKER. + JOKIM, as last turn in devious course, had proposed to dodge + difficulty about Compensation by accumulating proceeds of + increased till some indefinite period, when great reform of + Licensing should be introduced. "But," says TIM, almost begging + pardon for interposing, "in Budget Bill it has been + specifically decreed that proceeds of tax should be + appropriated during present Session." Accumulation, TIM urged, + with a vague notion that he was dropping into poetry, is not + Appropriation. SPEAKER agreed with him: consternation on + Treasury Bench; Ministers tried to put bold face on affairs; + could not discuss question now; would do so by-and-by; + confident they could show there was nothing in TIM'S objection. + An hour later, when time came to resume Committee on + Compensation Bill, OLD MORALITY announced that it would be + postponed to give Ministers opportunity to consider point + suggested by TIM. Shout of exultation went up from Opposition + Benches: prolonged fight had been won at last; the obnoxious + Bill was floored, and TIM had done it.</p> + + <p>OLD MORALITY, standing at table in attitude where natural + nobility of character struggled with accidental depression, + said: "Success, Mr. SPEAKER, is a mark no mortal wit of surest + hand can always hit. For whatsoe'er we perpetrate, we do but + row; we are steered by fate, which in success often + disinherits, for spurious causes, noblest merits. Great + occasions, Mr. SPEAKER, are not always true sons of great and + mighty resolutions, nor, I may add, do the boldest attempts + bring forth events still equal to their worth. That may be the + case with us; but at least we shall carry to our homes the + consciousness that we have diligently striven to do our duty to + our QUEEN and our country." General cheering at this little + speech, and scarcely dry eye on Treasury Bench.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Compensation Bill in fresh + difficulties.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Sitting remarkable for two speeches + from ordinarily silent Members. Began and ended proceedings. + First was by WHARTON, on presenting petition signed by over + half a million persons in favour of Compensation Clauses of + Licensing Bill. Petition brought down in three cases by + PICKFORD'S van. Conveniently disposed on floor of House; + occupied the whole space. Perturbation on Treasury Bench at the + report that there was Royal Commission going forward in other + House. Time of the Session when these are frequent. Black Rod + arrives; requests attendance of Members to hear Commission + read. Advances towards table, bowing to chair; retires + backward; SPEAKER follows him. How would it be to-day, with + floor blocked with towering cases? Black Rod an old sailor, + might haul himself up hand-over-hand, and skip across tops of + cases; but never do for the SPEAKER so to scramble out. Hasty + and anxious inquiry made. Turned out to be no Royal Commission + to-day; so new disaster for Ministers avoided.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/12-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12-3.png" + alt="" /></a>A Maiden Speech. + </div> + + <p>WHARTON succeeds somehow when presenting Petition in casting + sort of Cathedral Close air over proceedings. Life-long + association with cathedrals and their precincts have invested + him with placid charm of manner: would have made an excellent + Dean; gone off capitally as a Canon; now, as he waves his hand + towards the space lately crowded by the Petition, wears subtle, + indescribable, but unmistakable air, as if he were taking part + in a Confirmation Service.</p> + + <p>The other orator, GRIMSTON, considerably less ecclesiastical + in his manner. Appeared suddenly on scene at midnight: maiden + speech; very effective. "Mr. COURTNEY, Sir," he said, + diffidently hiding his hands in his trousers' pockets, "I claim + the indulgence the House always extends to young Members, in + rising to address it for the first time. I beg to move that the + question be now put," Question put accordingly; debate + Closured, and so home.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Quite a lot. Licensing Clauses + finally dropped; Allotments Bill read Third Time; Barracks Bill + through Committee.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Police in possession of House to-night. + MATTHEWS moved Second Reading of Bill dealing with Force. Quite + unusual consensus of approval, considering it is a Government + Bill. Only for GEORGE CAMPBELL, chorus would have been + unanimous. But GEORGE, looking in from Zanzibar, where he had + called after a brief trip through Jerusalem and Madagascar, + denounced the measure as "thoroughly bad." House thereupon + passed Second Reading without division.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Police Bill read Second + Time.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The Oof Bird" is the Auk, as <i>Cornhill Mag.</i> says its + eggs cost £170 apiece,—of course when fresh. What a + big lark!—Yours, 'ARRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11726 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |