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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Nov. 14, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 14, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 3, 2004  [eBook #11428]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: iso-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 153, NOV. 14, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11428-h.htm or 11428-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h/11428-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+NOVEMBER 14, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+People are asking, "Can there be a hidden brain in the Foreign
+Office?"
+
+       ***
+
+A German posing as a Swiss, and stated by the police to be "a spy
+and a dangerous character," has been sentenced to six months'
+imprisonment. The matter will be further investigated pending
+his escape.
+
+       ***
+
+Three men were charged at Old Street last week with attempting the
+"pot of tea" trick. The trick apparently consists in finding a man
+with a pot of tea and giving him a sovereign to go round the corner
+and buy a ham sandwich, the thief meanwhile offering to hold the pot
+of tea. When the owner returns the tea has, of course, vanished.
+
+       ***
+
+The increased consumption of bread, says Sir ARTHUR YAPP, is due to
+the 9d. loaf. It would just serve us right if bread cost 2s. 6d. a
+pound and there wasn't any, like everything else.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is all a matter of taste," says a correspondent of _The Daily
+Mail_, "but I think parsnips are now at their best." They may be
+looking their best, but the taste remains the same.
+
+       ***
+
+Seventy tons of blackberries for the soldiers have been gathered by
+school-children in Buckinghamshire. Arrangements have been made for
+converting this fruit into plum-and-apple jam.
+
+       ***
+
+"Home Ruler" was the occupation given by a Chertsey woman on her
+sugar-card application. The FOOD CONTROLLER states that although this
+form of intimidation may work with the Government it has no terrors
+for him.
+
+       ***
+
+The Russian Minister of Finance anticipates getting a revenue of forty
+million pounds from a monopoly of tea. It is thought that he must have
+once been a grocer.
+
+       ***
+
+The Law Courts are to be made available as an air-raid shelter by day
+and night, and some of our revue proprietors are already complaining
+of unfair competition.
+
+       ***
+
+Two survivors of the battle of Inkerman have been discovered at
+Brighton. Their inactivity in the present crisis is most unfavourably
+commented on by many of the week-end visitors.
+
+       ***
+
+A dolphin nearly eight feet in length has been landed by a boy who was
+fishing at Southwold. Its last words were that it hoped the public
+would understand that it had only heard of the food shortage that
+morning.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain OTTO SVERDRUP, the Arctic explorer, has returned his German
+decorations. Upon hearing this the KAISER at once gave orders for the
+North Pole to be folded up and put away.
+
+       ***
+
+A certain number of cold storage eggs at sixpence each are being
+released in Berlin and buyers are urged to "fetch them promptly."
+In this connection several Iron Crosses have already been awarded
+for acts of distinguished bravery by civilians.
+
+       ***
+
+One of the new toys for Christmas is a cat which will swim about in a
+bath. If only the household cat could learn to swim it might be the
+means of saving several of its lives.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent would like to know whether the naval surgeon who
+recently described in _The Lancet_ how he raised "hypnotic blisters"
+by suggestion received his tuition from one of our University
+riverside coaches.
+
+       ***
+
+We are asked to deny the rumour that Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, who last
+week cracked a joke which was not understood by some American
+soldiers, has decided to do it all over again.
+
+       ***
+
+The power of music! An enterprising firm of manufacturers offers
+pensions to women who become widows after the purchase of a piano
+on the instalment plan.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that a Member of Parliament will shortly ask for a day
+to be set aside to inquire into the conduct of Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, who
+is reported to have recently shown marked pro-British tendencies.
+
+       ***
+
+In view of the attitude taken up by _The Daily Express_ against Sir
+ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we understand that
+the celebrated author, who has long contemplated the final death of
+_Sherlock Holmes_, has arranged that the famous detective shall one
+day be found dead with a copy of _The Daily Express_ in his hand.
+
+       ***
+
+A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public
+eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of the
+growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of chaining them
+to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as safe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR. [Sign before church with
+bomb-damaged steeple:] THE REV SULVANUS JONES WILL PREACH NEXT SUNDAY
+MORNING ON WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CHURCH?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INDIA MOVES.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The following is taken from a letter from the
+Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers Commanding
+Divisions and Independent Brigades:--
+
+    "I am directed to point out that at present there appears to
+    be considerable diversity of opinion regarding the number of
+    buttons, and the method of placing the same on mattresses in
+    use in hospitals.
+
+    "I am therefore to request that in future all hospital mattresses
+    should be made up with fifty-three buttons placed in fifteen rows
+    of four and three alternately."
+
+This should convince your readers that even India has at last grasped
+the idea of the War and is getting a move on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless and
+    successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's knee,
+    which he fractured six years ago."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+If the case is correctly reported--which we doubt--it was very
+confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN.
+
+  Beersheba gone, and Gaza too!
+    And lo! the British lion,
+  After a pause to comb his mane,
+  Is grimly padding off again,
+    Tail up, _en route_ for Zion.
+
+  Yes, things are looking rather blue,
+    Just as in Mesopotamy;
+  My life-blood trickles in the sand;
+  My veins run dry; I cannot stand
+    Much more of this phlebotomy.
+
+  In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry,
+    Sick as a mule with glanders;
+  Too busy--selfish swine--is he
+  With winning ground in Italy
+    And losing it in Flanders.
+
+  His missives urge me not to fly
+    But use the utmost fury
+  To hold these Christian dogs at bay
+  And for his sake to block the way
+    To his belovéd Jewry.
+
+  "My feet," he wired, "have trod those scenes;
+    Within the walls of Salem
+  My sacred presence deigned to dwell,
+  And I should hate these hounds of hell
+    To be allowed to scale 'em.
+
+  "So do your best to give them beans
+    (You have some ammunition?),
+  And at a less congested date
+  I will arrive and consecrate
+    Another German mission."
+
+  That's how he wires, alternate days,
+    But sends no troops to trammel
+  The foe that follows as I bump
+  Across Judæa on the hump
+    Of my indifferent camel.
+
+  Well, I have tried all means and ways,
+    But seldom fail to foozle 'em;
+  And now if WILLIAM makes no sign
+  (This is his funeral more than mine)
+    The giaours can have Jerusalem.
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUGAR FIEND.
+
+"I will have a cup of tea," I said to the waitress, "China if
+possible; and please don't forget the sugar."
+
+"Yes, and what will you eat with I it?" she asked.
+
+"What you please," I replied; "it is all horrible."
+
+I do not take kindly to war-time teas. My idea of a tea is several
+cups of the best China, with three large lumps of sugar in each, and
+half-a-dozen fancy-cakes with icing sugar all over them and cream in
+the middle, and just a few cucumber sandwiches for the finish. (This
+does sound humorous, no doubt, but I seek no credit for it. Humour
+used to depend upon a sense of proportion. It now depends upon memory.
+The funniest man in England at the present moment is the man who has
+the most accurate memory for the things he was doing in the early
+summer of 1914).
+
+The loss of the cakes I could bear stoically enough if they would
+leave my tea alone, or rather if they would allow me a reasonable
+amount of sugar for it. However, we are an adaptable people and there
+are ways in which even the sugar paper-dish menace can be met. My own
+plan, here offered freely to all my fellow-sufferers, provides an
+admirable epitome of War and Peace. The sugar allowance being about
+half what it ought to be, I take half of the cup unsweetened, thus
+tasting the bitterness of war, and then I put in the sugar and bask
+in the sunshine of peace.
+
+On this particular occasion peace was on the point of being declared
+when I found my attention irresistibly compelled by the man sitting
+opposite to me, the only other occupant of my table. At first I
+thought of asking him not to stare at me so rudely, and then I found
+that he was not looking at me but over my shoulder at some object at
+the end of the room. I can resist the appeal of three hundred people
+gazing into the sky at the same moment, but the intense concentration
+of this man was too much for me. I turned round. Seeing nothing
+unusual I turned back again, but it was too late. My sugar had
+gone! No trace of it anywhere, except in the bubbles that winked
+suspiciously on the surface of the miscreant's tea.
+
+His face did not belong to any of the known criminal types. It was a
+pale, dreamy, garden-suburb sort of face--a face you couldn't possibly
+give in charge, except, perhaps, under the Military Service Acts.
+
+"Do you know," I said to him, "that you have just committed one of the
+most terrible offences open to civilised mankind--a crime even worse
+(Heaven help me if I exaggerate) than trampling on an allotment?"
+
+"Oh, I'm sorry!" he replied, waking from his dream. "Did you want that
+sugar? You know, you seemed to be getting on very well without it."
+
+As I could not believe him to be beyond the reach of pity, I explained
+my method to him, describing as harrowingly as I could the joy of
+those first few moments after the declaration of peace. I suggested to
+him that he might sometimes find it useful himself, if ever he should
+be compelled to sit at an unoccupied table. ("_Touché_," he murmured,
+raising his hat). "And now," I concluded, "as I have told you my
+system, perhaps you will tell me yours--not for imitation, but for
+avoidance."
+
+"There is very little to tell," he replied sorrowfully, "but it is
+tragic enough. All my life I have been fond of sugar. Before the war
+I took always nine lumps to a cup of tea. (It was my turn to raise
+my hat.) By a severe course of self-repression I have reduced it to
+seven, but I cannot get below that. I have given up the attempt. There
+are a hundred cures for the drink habit; there is not one for the
+sugar habit. As I cannot repress the desire, I have had to put all my
+energy into getting hold of sugar. I noticed some time ago that at
+these restaurants they give the sugar allowance to all customers who
+ask for tea or coffee, although perhaps twenty per cent. of them do
+not take sugar at all. It is these people who supply me with the extra
+sugar I need. In your case it was an honest mistake. I always wait to
+see if people are proposing to use their sugar before I appropriate
+it."
+
+"But if you only take from the willing," I inquired, "why do you not
+ask their permission?"
+
+"I suppose I have given you the right to ask me that question," he
+replied with much dignity, "but it is painful to me to have to answer
+it. I have not yet sunk so low that I have to beg people for their
+cast-off sugar. I may come to it in the end, perhaps. At present the
+'earnest gaze' trick is generally sufficient, or, where it fails, a
+kick on the shin. But I hate cruelty."
+
+"Physical cruelty," I suggested.
+
+"No, any kind of cruelty. I have said that in your case I made a
+mistake. If I could repair it I would."
+
+"Well," I said, "here's something you can do towards it, although it's
+little enough." And I handed him the ticket the waitress had written
+out for me. "And now I'll go and get a cup of tea somewhere."
+
+"One moment," he said, as I rose to go. "We may meet again."
+
+"Never!" I said firmly.
+
+"Ah, but we may, I have a number of disguises. Let me suggest
+something that will make another mistake of this kind impossible."
+
+"I am not going to give up my plan," I said.
+
+"No, don't," he answered; "but _why not drink the sugared half
+first?_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from an official letter received "Somewhere in France":--
+
+    "It must be clearly understood that the numbers shown under the
+    heading, 'Awaiting Leave' will be the number of all ranks who have
+    not had leave to the United Kingdom since last arrival in this
+    country, whether such arrival was their last return from Leave,
+    or their last arrival in France."
+
+And the Authorities are still wondering why the "Awaiting Leave" list
+tallied so exactly with the daily strength.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A GREAT INCENTIVE. MEHMED (_reading despatch from the
+All-Highest_). "'DEFEND JERUSALEM AT ALL COSTS FOR MY SAKE. I WAS ONCE
+THERE MYSELF.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+The ammunition columns on either flank provide us with plenty of
+amusement. They seem to live by stealing each other's mules. My
+line-guards tell me that stealthy figures leading shadowy donkeys are
+crossing to and fro all night long through my lines. The respective
+C.O.'s, an Australian and an Irishman, drop in on us from time to time
+and warn us against each other. I remain strictly neutral, and so far
+they have respected my neutrality. I have taken steps toward this end
+by surrounding my horses with barbed wire and spring guns, tying bells
+on them and doubling the guard.
+
+Monk, the Australian, dropped in on us two or three days ago. "That
+darn Sinn Feiner is the limit," said he; "lifted my best moke off me
+last night while I was up at the batteries. He'd pinch BALAAM'S ass."
+We murmured condolences, but Monk waived them aside. "Oh, it's quite
+all right. I wasn't born yesterday, or the day before for that matter.
+I'll make that merry Fenian weep tears of blood before I've finished.
+Just you watch."
+
+O'Dwyer, the merry Fenian, called next day.
+
+"Give us a dhrink, brother-officers," said he, "I'm wake wid
+laughter."
+
+We asked what had happened.
+
+"Ye know that herrin'-gutted bush-ranger over yonder? He'd stale the
+milk out of your tea, he would, be the same token. Well, last night he
+got vicious and took a crack at my lines. I had rayson to suspect he'd
+be afther tryin' somethin' on, so I laid for him. I planted a certain
+mule where he _could_ stale it an' guarded the rest four deep. Begob,
+will ye believe me, but he fell into the thrap head-first--the poor
+simple divil."
+
+"But he got your mule," said Albert Edward, perplexed.
+
+"Shure an' he did, you bet he did--he got old Lyddite."
+
+Albert Edward and I were still puzzled.
+
+"Very high explosive--hence name," O'Dwyer explained.
+
+"Dear hearrts," he went on, "he's got my stunt mule, my family
+assassin! That long-ear has twenty-three casualties to his credit,
+including a Brigadier. I have to twitch him to harness him, side-line
+him to groom him, throw him to clip him, and dhrug him to get him
+shod. Perceive the jest now? Esteemed comrade Monk is afther pinchin'
+an infallable packet o' sudden death, an' he don't know it--yet."
+
+"What's the next move?" I inquired.
+
+"I'm going to lave him there. Mind you I don't want to lose the old
+moke altogether, because, to tell the truth, I'm a biteen fond of him
+now that I know his thricks, but I figure Mr. Monk will be a severely
+cured character inside a week, an' return the beastie himself with
+tears an' apologies on vellum so long."
+
+I met O'Dwyer again two days later on the mud track. He reined up his
+cob and begged a cigarette.
+
+"Been havin' the fun o' the worrld down at the dressin'-station
+watchin' Monk's casualties rollin' in," said he. "Terrible spectacle,
+'nough to make a sthrong man weep. Mutual friend Monk lookin' 'bout as
+genial as a wet hen. This is goin' to be a wondherful lesson to him.
+See you later." He nudged his plump cob and ambled off, whistling
+merrily.
+
+But it was Monk we saw later. He wormed his long corpse into "_Mon
+Repos_" and sat on Albert Edward's bed laughing like a tickled hyena.
+"Funniest thing on earth," he spluttered. "A mule strayed into my
+lines t'other night and refused to leave. It was a rotten beast, a
+holy terror; it could kick a fly off its ears and bite a man in half.
+I don't mind admitting it played battledore and what's-'is-name with
+my organisation for a day or two, but out of respect for O'Dwyer,
+blackguard though he is, I ..."
+
+"Oh, so it was O'Dwyer's mule?" Albert Edward cut in innocently.
+
+Monk nodded hastily. "Yes, so it turned out. Well, out of respect
+for O'Dwyer I looked after it as far as it would allow me, naturally
+expecting he'd come over and claim it--but he didn't. On the fourth
+day, after it had made a light breakfast off a bombardier's ear and
+kicked a gap in a farrier, I got absolutely fed up, turned the damn
+cannibal loose and gave it a cut with a whip for godspeed. It made
+off due east, cavorting and snorting until it reached the tank-track;
+there it stopped and picked a bit of grass. Presently along comes a
+tank, proceeding to the fray, and gives the mule a poke in the rear.
+The mule lashes out, catching the tank in the chest, and then goes on
+with his grazing without looking round, leaving the tank for dead, as
+by all human standards it should have been, of course. But instead of
+being dead the box of tricks ups and gives the donk another butt and
+moves on. That roused the mule properly. He closed his eyes and laid
+into the tank for dear life; you could hear it clanging a mile away.
+
+"After delivering two dozen of the best, the moke turned round to
+sniff the cold corpse, but the corpse was still warm and smiling. Then
+the mule went mad and set about the tank in earnest. He jabbed it in
+the eye, upper-cut it on the point, hooked it behind the ear, banged
+its slats, planted his left on the mark and his right on the solar
+plexus, but still the tank sat up and took nourishment.
+
+"Then the donkey let a roar out of him and closed with it; tried
+the half-Nelson, the back heel, the scissors, the roll, and the
+flying-mare; tried Westmoreland and Cumberland style, collar and
+elbow, Cornish, Græco-Roman, scratch-as-scratch-can and Ju-jitsu.
+Nothing doing. Then as a last despairing effort he tried to charge
+it over on its back and rip the hide off it with his teeth.
+
+"But the old tank gave a 'good-by ee' cough of its exhaust and rumbled
+off as if nothing had happened, nothing at all. I have never seen
+such a look of surprise on any living creature's face as was on that
+donk's. He sank down on his tail, gave a hissing gasp and rolled over
+stone dead. Broken heart."
+
+"Is that the end?" Albert Edward inquired.
+
+"It is," said Monk; "and if you go outside and look half-right you'll
+see the bereaved Mr. O'Dwyer, all got up in sack-cloth, cinders
+and crêpe rosettes, mooning over the deceased like a dingo on an
+ash-heap." PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Aunt Maria_. "DO YOU KNOW I ONCE ACTUALLY SAW THE
+KAISER RIDING THROUGH THE STREETS OF LONDON AS BOLD AS BRASS. IF I'D
+KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I'D HAVE TOLD A POLICEMAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FOR THE DURATION ..."
+
+    "The forenoon service in the Parish Church will be at 11 o'clock
+    instead of 11.15 on Sunday first, and will continue till further
+    orders."--_Scottish Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AID FOR THE MILITARY POLICE.
+
+    "The recruiting hut which is being erected in Trafalgar Square in
+    connection with the campaign undertaken by the Ministry of Labour
+    to recruit women for the Women's Army Auxiliary Cops will shortly
+    be completed."--_Sunday Pictorial_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "She was visited occasionally by a man of foreign appearance, who
+    was believed to be her bother-in-law."--_Ipswich Evening Star_.
+
+Probably one of those "strained relations" we so often read about.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "My Correspondent's bona fides are above suspicion."--_"The
+    Clubman" in "The Pall Matt Gazette."_
+
+One good fide deserves another, but of course the more the merrier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Keen Motorist _(who has temporarily taken to
+push-biking, to leisurely fowl which has brought him low)_. "JUST
+YOU WAIT TILL THEY REMOVE THESE PETROL RESTRICTIONS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INVITATION.
+
+  If you will come and stay with us you shall not want for ease;
+  We'll swing you on a cobweb between the forest trees;
+  And twenty little singing-birds upon a flowering thorn
+  Shall hush you every evening and wake you every morn.
+
+  If you will come and stay with us you need not miss your school;
+  A learned toad shall teach you, high-perched upon his stool;
+  And he will tell you many things that none but fairies know--
+  The way the wind goes wandering and how the daisies grow.
+
+  If you will come and stay with us you shall not lack, my dear,
+  The finest fairy raiment, the best of fairy cheer;
+  We'll send a million glow-worms out, and slender chains of light
+  Shall make a shining pathway--then why not come to-night?
+
+  R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRISTMAS FARE IN WAR-TIME.
+
+    "Whatever the dinner be like, we can still have our fill of
+    holly and mistletoe."--_Star_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMITATION AIR-RAIDS.
+
+Mr. Punch is glad to note that some real efforts are being made to
+meet the public needs in this matter on nights when there is no attack
+by the enemy.
+
+In particular the owners of certain large warehouses have come forward
+in a spirited manner by giving directions for the banging of large
+folding-doors at suitable (irregular) hours. Private individuals
+also, especially when returning home late at night, can do something
+in the way of supplying entertainment for nervous residents in the
+neighbourhood. Much is expected, too, of the large dairy companies,
+who, by their control of vast numbers of heavy milk-cans, are in a
+peculiarly favoured position. By the manipulation of these vessels on
+a stone floor a very complete imitation of a raid can be produced.
+A good deal, of course, can be done by any ordinary householder. "I
+have had great fun," one correspondent writes, "with a very deliberate
+and heavily-striking Dutch clock, which I have lately put against my
+party-wall. My neighbour's family frequently jump up and run for the
+basement. When they get used to the thing I shall give the other side
+a turn."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRE-DRILL.
+
+Once a month, as laid down in "Orders for Auxiliary Hospitals for
+Officers," or some such document, we practise fire-drill. This
+consists of escaping from upper windows by means of precarious
+canvas chutes. The only people exempted from this ceremony are Mrs.
+Ropes--who watches with great delight from a safe distance--and
+Sister, who stands sternly at the top to make sure (a) that those
+patients who don't want to go down do go down, and (b) that those
+patients who do want to go down don't go down more than once. No
+excuses are taken. The fixed ration is one slither per chute per
+person.
+
+We had this month's rehearsal last Tuesday. The patients were put
+through it first, Major Stanley--to his great disgust--being chosen
+to lead the way and set his juniors an example. He was told that it
+was possible, by sticking out his elbows, to go down as slowly as he
+liked; but he must have done it wrong somehow, for he disappeared with
+startling suddenness the instant he let go the window-sill, and almost
+simultaneously his boots shot out at the other end and doubled Dutton
+the butler up so badly that he had to be taken away and reinflated.
+
+Haynes, who came next, insisted on first making his dying speech from
+the window, for, as he pointed out to Sister, when people allowed
+themselves to be inserted alive into machines of this type there was
+every likelihood of their reappearing at the other end in the form of
+sausages. Seymour handed Sister a bulky package labelled "WILL" before
+starting, and most of us managed to be mildly humorous in some way or
+other.
+
+Mrs. Ropes, on the lawn, enjoyed it all immensely; and so did Ansell,
+who was standing beside her with an air of detachment. Sister's eagle
+eye singled him out.
+
+"Come along, Mr. Ansell," she called. "I see you--your turn next. No
+shirking."
+
+"I'm not in this, Sister," he answered loftily.
+
+"Oh, indeed! And why not?"
+
+"Because I sleep on the verandah. If there's a fire I simply get out
+of bed and step into the garden."
+
+"Oh, no, you don't," put in Seymour. "That would be entirely contrary
+to regulations. The official method of escaping from burning buildings
+is down the official chute. In case of fire your correct procedure
+will be to double smartly upstairs, commend your soul to Providence in
+a soldier-like manner, and toboggan smartly down."
+
+(Have I mentioned that Seymour is an Adjutant?)
+
+"That's right, Captain Seymour," said Sister from above. "Bring him
+up under escort if necessary."
+
+After the patients came Miss Ropes, and after her the domestic staff,
+beginning with the less valuable members and working up gradually to
+Dutton and Cook. It was possible to trace the progress of the younger
+and slighter maids by a swiftly-descending squeal, while that of the
+more portly was visible as a leisurely protuberance. At last Cook
+was the only one left--Dutton was not feeling quite up to performing
+the journey. She was a new cook, and very precious. She had all the
+generous proportions of her profession, and with them went a placid
+temper and a great sense of personal dignity.
+
+"Oh, Cook," said Miss Ropes, "_you_ needn't go down, you know, unless
+you want to."
+
+There are times when official regulations must be sacrificed to
+diplomacy. But Cook was in high good humour, and quite determined on
+doughty deeds. Miss Ropes said no more.
+
+The task of getting a wide cook into a narrow canvas tube proved quite
+unexpectedly difficult; and, when it was accomplished, so far from
+sticking out her elbows as brakes, she had to press them close to her
+sides in order to move at all. With the aid of a friendly pressure
+applied to the top of her head by Sister she got slowly under way. The
+chute bulged portentously. The bulge travelled a few feet; then it
+stuck and became violently agitated. Sister clutched at the top of the
+chute, while Dutton hung manfully on to the other end.
+
+"Don't struggle," said Sister in a stern professional voice. "Keep
+your arms still, and you'll come down all right." A muffled screaming
+and a dangerously increased agitation of the chute was the only reply.
+Cook had quite lost her head and was having violent hysterics. Three
+or four of us raced upstairs to aid Sister in keeping the top end
+of the apparatus from jerking free, while several more went to the
+assistance of the flustered Dutton.
+
+Cook ceased to struggle for a moment, but only through exhaustion;
+for when Sister seized the opportunity to repeat her advice a fresh
+paroxysm came on, and everybody "stood to" at their posts again. Miss
+Ropes conceived the idea of attaching a cord to Cook's armpits and
+hauling her up again by main force. She dashed into the house, and
+found a demoralised kitchen-maid calling incoherently for help down
+the telephone.
+
+Meanwhile Cook had had her worst spasm. We hung grimly on to the
+chute, dismally confident that something would have to give way soon.
+Suddenly there was a rending sound; the seam of the canvas ripped open
+and a gaping slit appeared, through which Cook's freed arm flapped
+wildly. Then the arm disappeared as the body to which it was attached
+gathered momentum; and when Miss Ropes appeared with a length of cord
+she was just in time to see her retainer return to the world--alive,
+but practically inside out.
+
+As soon as Cook recovered her breath it was apparent that her temper
+was no longer placid. Forgetting entirely that it was by her own
+choice that she had made the trip, she gave us all to understand
+that she believed the whole incident to have been specially arranged
+for her humiliation. She gave notice on the spot, and staggered
+indignantly to the house to pack her box, leaving her employer once
+again face to face with the Servant Problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARTISETTE.
+
+    (_An Engineering School for Women
+     has been started in Scotland._)
+
+  What if my lady should appear
+  In a mechanic's grimy gear?
+  I shall not squeamishly decline
+    To figure at her shrine.
+
+  If Vulcan's smoky sway precludes
+  An assignation in the woods,
+  I shall not linger less elate
+    Outside the foundry gate.
+
+  When she knocks off at eventide
+  I'll flutter fondly to her side,
+  And demonstrate that grease and oil
+    Can't loosen love's sweet coil.
+
+  Most tenderly my tongue shall wag
+  To Amaryllis on the slag,
+  Whilst I endeavour to confine
+    Her horny hand in mine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONAL.
+
+    "Pat. Don't be disappointed. Nothing amis. Iris."--_Calcutta
+    Statesman_.
+
+Only a letter gone astray.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let, outside
+    air radius."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+A little suffocating, perhaps.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If a million quarter acres in the country were left uncultivated,
+    the result would be that a quarter of a million acres would be
+    left uncultivated."--_Scotch Paper_.
+
+Examined and found correct.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:--
+
+    "In that ouse Capital was very fully represented--he thought
+    over-represented."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the capital out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HIGHWAYMAN.
+
+"TAXI! TAXI!"
+
+"WHAT ABAHT IT?"
+
+"I WANT TO GO TO HAMPSTEAD."
+
+"DO YER?"
+
+"I'LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL FARE."
+
+"DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN' I'LL TAKE YER--'ALF-WAY."
+
+"AN', MIND YER, I WOULDN'T 'AVE BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I
+'APPENED TO 'AVE BIN COMIN' ANY'OW. I LIVE UP 'ERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_ (_returning to France in heavy sea_).
+"I--HOPE--TO--HEAVENS--THE NEXT--WAR THEY HAVE--WILL--BE--IN
+ENGLAND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NIGHTMARES.
+
+I.
+
+    OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE WAR
+    CORRESPONDENT OF "THE DAILY MAIL" FOR A LITERAL TRANSLATION
+    OF THE CÆSAR'S _DE BELLO GALLICO_.
+
+"_Omnis Gallia in tres partes divisa est._" Is it fanciful to say of
+the three parts into which all Gaul is divided that by their colours
+may they be known, the blue, the brown and the ghastly, ghoulish,
+intolerable, bestial, but, thank God, passing, grey? Yes, thank God,
+the blight of greyness cannot last long; even now the scabrous plague
+is being burnt up and swept back and overwhelmed by the resistless
+flood, eager yet cautious, persistent yet fiery, of the blue and the
+brown. Hideous, pitiable, soul-searing are the scars that it leaves in
+its mephitic wake, but the cleansing tide of the brown and the blue
+sweeps on, and the healing wand of time waves over them, and soon the
+shell-holes and the waste places and the abominations of desolation
+are covered with little flowers--or would be if it were Spring.
+
+The Spring! No one knows what depth of meaning lies in that little
+word for our brave fellows, what intensity of hopes and fears and
+well-nigh intolerable yearnings it awakens beneath the cheery
+insouciance of their exteriors; no one, that is, except me. They tell
+me about it as they pass back, privates and generals, war-hardened
+veterans and boys of nineteen with the youth in their eyes not yet
+drowned by the ever-increasing encroachments of the war-devil; all
+are alike in their cheerful determination to see this grim and bloody
+business of fighting to an honourable end, and alike, too, in that
+their souls turn frankly, as might children's, for refreshment and
+relief to the kindly breast and simple beauties of Mother Nature.
+
+The key-note of their attitude is given in the sentence, spoken
+dreamily and as if in forgetfulness of my presence, by a Corporal of
+the R.G.A. as I cleaned his boots--it was an honour. "The blue--the
+blue--the blue--and the white!"
+
+He was gazing skywards. I could see nothing but grey clouds, but I
+knew that his young eyes were keener than mine, that he had learnt to
+look into the inmost heart of things in that baptism of fire, that
+travail of freedom, where desolation blossoms and hell sprouts like a
+weed. Through the grey he could discern the triumph of the blue and
+the white of peace, when the work of the brown shall be done. It was
+an allegory. More he told me, too, in his simple country speech, so
+good to hear in a foreign land: of the daisies in the yard at home,
+of the dandelions on the lawn, of his pet pig: things too sacred to
+repeat here. And he told me that the great event on the Front now is
+the Autumn glory of the trees. Then he departed, and as he went he
+broke into deep-throated, Homeric laughter, and I--I understood: he
+was mocking Death. Even thus does laughter yap at the heels of that
+dishonoured king out here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE BOOD.
+
+A SODDET.
+
+    [Our poet has caught a severe cold through
+     having spent the night in the cellar.]
+
+  BOOD, whose autubdal spleddour, as of dood,
+   Shides od frob set of sud to dawdigg bord,
+  Gradt be this bood, o bood, to calb by bood
+   With agodisigg apprehedsiod tord,
+
+  Illube dot with thy beabs the biddight burk,
+   Whed through the gloob the Huddish biscreadts
+  Cobe sdeakigg, bedt od their idhubad work
+   Of bobbigg slubberigg dod-cobbatadts.
+
+  Or if thy labbedt gleabs thou bayst dot blidd,
+   Thed bay they aid our airbed add our guds;
+  Its bark bay every barkigg bissile fidd,
+   Bay dought be dode abiss, dor dode be duds.
+
+  So bayst thou baffle burderous WILLIAB'S plad,
+   Add all attebts of that bad badbad bad.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVILEGED DISLOYALTY.
+
+FIRST TRAITOR. "HOW ARE WE TO PUSH OUR PROPAGANDA PAST THE CENSOR?"
+
+SECOND TRAITOR. "NOTHING EASIER. GET THE RIGHT KIND OF QUESTIONS ASKED
+IN PARLIAMENT; THERE'S NOBODY TO STOP _THEM_ FROM BEING PUBLISHED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, November 5th._--By way of celebrating Guy Fawkes Day the
+Government announced their intention of compensating, up to a limit of
+five hundred pounds, any householder whose property has been damaged
+in air-raids. How soon he will cage his "monkey" will depend upon the
+Treasury, which is morbidly anxious lest in its transactions _bis dat
+qui cito dat_ should be literally illustrated.
+
+[Illustration: "Forgetting the claims of Glasgow." MR. WATT.]
+
+The official price of potatoes is still unsettled. According to his
+own statement the FOOD CONTROLLER is only waiting for the decision of
+the War Cabinet. "On the contrary," said Mr. LAW, "the Cabinet is only
+waiting for Lord RHONDDA." It seems to be another case of the Earl of
+CHATHAM and Sir RICHAUD STRACHAN; and in the meantime the potatoes are
+rotting.
+
+Provided that no scarcity of gas for other purposes is caused
+the Government see no objection to its use for the propulsion of
+motor-cars. On receiving this information Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING at
+once ordered a Zeppelin attachment to his famous torpedo-shaped car.
+No other gas-consumer will suffer, as he is prepared to keep the
+apparatus inflated from his own retorts.
+
+By the scheme of the Boundary Commissioners, the roll of the Commons,
+already a hundred per cent. too big for its accommodation, is to be
+increased by some thirty Members. Various suggestions for enabling the
+new-comers to assist at debates have been proposed. "Dug-outs" under
+the existing benches, whence they could poke out their heads between
+the legs of other Members, and "painters' cradles" depending from the
+ceiling, or the galleries, are among the most popular.
+
+In the circumstances it is not surprising that the HOME SECRETARY
+strenuously resisted the proposal of the London representatives to
+give another couple of Members to "the hub of the universe," as Mr.
+WATT, momentarily forgetting the claims of Glasgow, handsomely called
+it. Among a number of minor concessions, Mr. THEODORE TAYLOR'S plea
+that Batley should be associated with Morley "because they have had
+many a tussle at cricket" could not be resisted.
+
+_Tuesday, November 6th._--A statement that the great War Savings
+meeting at the Albert Hall cost £3,500, chiefly for the expenses of
+delegates, shocked the thrifty conscience of Mr. HOGGE, who hoped Mr.
+BALDWIN would discourage the PRIME MINISTER'S meetings if they were so
+expensive. Mr. BALDWIN did not condescend to answer him or he might
+have observed that the delegates in question were voluntary workers
+who by their exertions had helped to raise over a hundred millions for
+the prosecution of the War.
+
+Mr. TILLETT, the newly-elected Member for North Salford, took his
+seat, and there was general cheering as, under the safe-conduct of two
+amply-proportioned friends, Little Ben was introduced to Big Ben.
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW RECRUIT. SIR JOHN SIMON.]
+
+When Mr. BALFOUR informed Mr. JOWETT at Question-time that the only
+commitments of Great Britain to France are contained in the Treaty of
+Alliance of September 5th, 1914, which has been duly published, he
+knocked the foundation from under the subsequent peace-debate. But
+that did not prevent Mr. LEES SMITH from making a long speech, on the
+assumption that by promising to help France to recover her ravished
+provinces we had improperly extended the objects of the war. Mr.
+MCCURDY, who shares with Mr. LEES SMITH the representation of
+Northampton, plainly hinted that if his colleague cared to visit his
+constituents they would be delighted to present him with a specimen of
+the local manufacture.
+
+The speeches of Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. ASQUITH, though well worth
+hearing, were hardly needed to complete the rout of the Pacifists;
+and, in the division on the Closure, the men who are prepared (in Mr.
+FABER'S pungent phrase) "to take the bloody hand of Germany" made a
+very poor muster.
+
+_Wednesday, November 7th._--I am inclined to echo Lord SALISBURY'S
+regret that Labour has no direct representative in the Upper House.
+The proletarian peer, if there were one, would have been both
+surprised and delighted to hear how the non-proletarians, without
+exception, spoke of his class.
+
+My imaginary peer would have been especially edified by the speech of
+Lord MILNER, whom a small but noisy section of the Press persists in
+describing as more Prussian than the Prussians. Not under-estimating
+the difficulties in the way of a frank and full understanding between
+Capital and Labour, he nevertheless believed that they would be
+overcome, because he had an abiding faith in the mass of his
+fellow-countrymen. Not quite what one expects of a British Junker, is
+it?
+
+_Thursday, November 8th._--When tonnage is so scarce it seems odd that
+room can still be found for consignments of wild animals. Mr. PETO
+drew attention to a coming cargo, including two hundred avadavats, the
+little birds about which _Joseph Surface_ was so contemptuous, and six
+hundred monkeys--"sufficient," as he pleasantly observed, "to fill
+this House."
+
+For once Mr. BILLING expressed a widely-held opinion when he
+questioned the propriety, in present circumstances, of holding the
+LORD MAYOR'S Banquet. Mr. BONAR LAW'S solemn assurance that he only
+accepted the invitation on the distinct understanding that the feast
+would fall completely within the FOOD CONTROLLER'S regulations, was
+not altogether convincing. Members were anxious to know the exact
+dimensions that Lord RHONDDA has laid down for the turtle-ration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Onlooker_ (_at a Company exhibition, to the better
+man_). "HERE, LAAD, NOT SO MOOCH OF IT. WE'M SHORT O' SOJERS IN OUR
+COOMPANY, DOAN'T THEE FORGET!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GILBERT.
+
+We are all very fond of Gilbert. There are, however, one or two things
+about him which even his best friends will admit make it hard for us
+at times to remember how much we really love him. Sometimes he seems
+almost too good to be true. Yet I have known wet horrible days in the
+trenches when the sight of him coming smiling down the line, exuding
+efficiency and enthusiasm at every pore, has made his fellow-officers
+positively dislike him.
+
+For, alas, he is one of those dear overzealous fellows whom in moments
+of depression we stigmatise as "hearty." He has even been known to
+be hearty at breakfast; to come trampling into the dug-out with that
+blinking old smile on his face, expressing immense satisfaction with
+life in general at the top of a peculiarly robust voice; to tread on
+his captain's toes and slap his next-door neighbour heartily on the
+back, and then to explain to a swearing and choking audience how
+splendidly he has slept, and what a topping day it is going to be.
+
+Never has Gilbert been known to spend a bad night; he is one of those
+fortunate animals who can go to sleep standing and at five minutes'
+notice, and start snoring at once. If you try to sleep anywhere near
+him, you dream of finding yourself in Covent Garden station, trying to
+board endless trains which roar through without stopping--that's the
+kind of snore it is.
+
+And now it is time I told my story.
+
+It happened many years ago, when the War was young and the Bosch
+comparatively aggressive; when our big guns fired once every other
+Sunday and we lived precarious lives in holes in the ground. Our
+Brigadier, a conscientious soldier of the old school, was dodging
+round our line of trenches, and had just reached the sector allotted
+to my company, which was also Gilbert's, when the distant buzz that
+generally means an aeroplane overhead made itself distinctly heard.
+
+"Can you spot him?" said the General to his Brigade-major; "one of
+theirs, I suppose?"
+
+Now it is as much as a Brigade-Major's job is worth to confess
+ignorance at such a crisis. So, after sweeping the skies fruitlessly
+with his glasses and listening intelligently to the steady drone, he
+said, "Yes!" with as much conviction as possible.
+
+"Heads down," said the General sharply, "and don't move. Pass it
+down." And by way of example he sat heavily on my periscope and stayed
+gazing at the ground like a fakir lost in meditation.
+
+Meanwhile the message was passed along, and the trench became silent
+as the grave. I was informed a few days later that it reached the
+outer battalion of the next brigade later on in the morning, and was
+popularly supposed to have reached Switzerland the same evening.
+
+For about five minutes the droning continued ("Having a good look at
+us," said the Brigade-major in a sepulchral whisper) and then suddenly
+ceased with what I can only describe as an appalling snort. Almost
+simultaneously a tousled head was thrust out of a dug-out almost
+into the great man's face, and Gilbert's cheerful roar was heard by
+a scandalised company.
+
+"Had a topping sleep. What's the time, someone?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Best milch cows have been sold recently for £60 in the Isle
+    of Wight. At a meeting of the Cowes Council it was stated
+    that at Chichester cows had sold for £73 each."--_Times_.
+
+And now that the Isle of Wight milkers have held their indignation
+meeting it is expected that the anomaly will be removed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE UP!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PETER, THE TEMPTER.
+
+Necessity does not make stranger bedfellows than some of the changes
+brought about by War. Who, for example--and certainly not such a born
+sun-worshipper as I--would ever have dreamt that a time would come
+when we in London and the Eastern counties would desire rain and wind
+with a passionate keenness once reserved solely for fine weather? Yet
+so it is. By reason of that foolish invention of flying we now, when
+we go to the window in the morning and lift the blind, are dashed and
+darkly thoughtful if no sky of grey scudding misery meets our gaze.
+"Please Heaven it pours!" we say. Just think of it--"Please Heaven it
+pours!" What a treachery! It may even come that we include prayers for
+storms in the Liturgy.
+
+In default of bad weather we may have to Take Cover; and it is when
+we Take Cover that discoveries begin and long-postponed adventures
+fructify. For years and years, for example, I had looked down that
+steep hill by the Tivoli site in the Strand into the yawning cavern
+that opens there, and wondered about it. I had thought one day to
+explore it, but had never done so, any more than I have yet proceeded
+further towards a visit to the Roman Bath, also off the Strand, than
+to threaten it.
+
+But I shall get to the Bath yet, because already, thanks to the
+intervention of the Hun, I have become intimately acquainted with
+Lower Robert Street, and the next step is simple.
+
+In the ordinary way, short of desperate impulse and decision--unless
+by some happy chance I had relinquished the burden of this pen and
+taken happy service with one of the wine merchants who store their
+treasure there--I should never have entered Lower Robert Street at
+all, for it goes nowhere and runs under the earth, and it is damp
+and mouldy, and the only doors, leading to this vault and that,
+are locked. But for all these disabilities Lower Robert Street is,
+in Gotha and Zeppelin times, a very present help and refuge. There
+assemble, with more or less fortitude and philosophy, the denizens
+of the Adelphi, thankful indeed that the brothers Adam established
+their streets and terrace on so useful a foundation; and there twice
+recently have I joined them. And an odd assembly we have made, ranging
+as we do from successful dramatists to needy journalists, with an
+actress or so to keep us manly.
+
+There for long hours have we waited until the "All clear" has
+sounded--or, at any rate, some have done so. As for myself, on the
+last occasion, taking advantage of a lull in the uproar, I crept away
+to bed, and, after falling into the sleep of exhaustion, had the
+ironical experience of being rudely awakened by the reassuring bugles
+and my night again ruined.
+
+Having taken cover only in Lower Robert Street, which is open to
+all, I cannot with any personal knowledge speak of the camaraderie
+of private basements; but I suppose that that exists and is another
+of the War's byproducts. I take it that, in the event of a sudden
+alarm, no householder with a cellar would be so inhuman as to
+refuse admittance to a stranger, and already probably a myriad
+new friendships and not a few engagements have resulted. Our own
+camaraderie is admirable. The federation of the barrage breaks down
+every obstacle; while a piece of shrapnel that one can display is more
+valuable than any letter of introduction, no matter who wrote it.
+Hence we all talk; and sometimes we sing too--choruses of the moment,
+for the most part, in one of which the depth of our affection for our
+maternal relative is measured and regulated by the floridity of the
+roses growing on her porch.
+
+And yet, when at last friendliness is upon the town, there are
+people--and not only alien Hebrews either--who have been hurrying away
+from London! When London has become more interesting than ever before
+in its history there are people who leave it!
+
+Personally I mean to cling to the old city as long as it will cling to
+me; but even now across one's aching sight comes a "dream of pastime
+premature" which shakes such resolves a little. Peter, for example,
+has been having a disturbing effect on me. Only now and then, of
+course--when I am not quite myself; when the two and thirty (what
+remains of them) are not so firmly gritted as they should be; when
+even London seems unworthy of devotion.
+
+But these moods pass. You will admit, though, that Peter has his lure.
+I read about him in the _Tavistock Gazette_, one of the few papers,
+I fancy, which does not belong to Lord NORTHCLIFFE; and this is
+how the lyric (it is really a lyric, although it masquerades as an
+advertisement) runs, not only in the paper but in my head: "To be
+let, by Tender" (this is not an oath but some odd legal or commercial
+term) "as and from Lady Day all that nice little PASTURE FARM known as
+HIGHER CHURCH FARM, situate in the village of Peter Tavy." Now what
+could be more unlike London under the German invasion and all that
+nasty little tunnel known as Lower Robert Street, than Peter Tavy?
+
+But I must not be tempted. I must stick it out here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY GOSSIP À LA MODE.
+
+The mystification practised by authors who have passed off as their
+own work the compositions of others is familiar to all literary
+students. SHAKSPEARE'S assumption of borrowed plumes is of course
+the classic example. But another and more subtle problem is the
+interchange of functions between two men of letters; and the theory
+recently advanced by the distinguished critic and occultist, Mr.
+Pullar Leggatt, deserves at least a respectful hearing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Briefly stated, it is that during his hermit existence at Putney
+the late Mr. SWINBURNE effected an interchange of this sort with Sir
+W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; the Editor of _The British Weekly_ devoting
+himself to the composition of poems, while the poet assumed editorial
+control of the famous newspaper. If the theory thus crudely stated
+sounds somewhat fantastic the arguments on which it is based are
+extraordinarily plausible if not convincing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To begin with, experts in anagrams will not fail to notice that the
+names ALGERNON SWINBURNE and W. ROBERTSON NICOLL contain practically
+the same number of letters--absolutely the same if SWINBURNE is spelt
+without an "e"--and that the forenames of both end in "-on," as does
+also the concluding syllable of WATTS-DUNTON. The fact that the Editor
+of _The British Weekly_ has never published any poems over his own
+name only tends to confirm the theory, as the argument conclusively
+establishes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For it is impossible to believe that so versatile a polymath should
+not at some time or other have courted the Muse, and if so, under what
+name could he have had a stronger motive for publishing his poems than
+that of SWINBURNE? So austere a theologian would naturally shrink from
+revealing his excursions into the realms of poesy, and under this
+disguise he was safe from detection. Lastly, while Sir W. ROBERTSON
+NICOLL has always championed the Kailyard School, SWINBURNE lived
+at The Pines. The connection is obvious; as thus: Kail, sea-kale,
+sea-coal, coke, coker-nut, walnut, dessert, pine-apple, pine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As regards SWINBURNE'S conduct of _The British Weekly_, it is enough
+to point to such alliterative and melodious combinations as "Rambling
+Remarks" and "Claudius Clear." The theological attitude of the paper
+presents difficulties which are not so easy to overcome, but Mr.
+Pullar Leggatt has promised to deal with this question later on.
+Meanwhile the diplomatic silence maintained by Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL
+and Mr. EDMUND GOSSE must not be interpreted as conveying either a
+complete acceptance or a total rejection of this remarkable theory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wounded Tommy_. "WILL YOU PLAY MENDELSSOHN'S 'SPRING
+SONG,' PLEASE?"
+
+_Distinguished Pianist_ (_with a soul above Mendelssohn_). "I'M AFRAID
+I CAN'T."
+
+_Tommy_. "IT IS A BIT OF A TEASER, AIN'T IT? TIES MY SISTER UP IN A
+KNOT WHENEVER SHE TACKLES IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW CRUMMLES.
+
+HERTLING "is not Prussian."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY PYJAMAS.
+
+A STUDY IN THE FASTIDIOUS.
+
+I hope this is not going to be embarrassing. If so, it is not my
+fault. This is history, please remember, not fiction. I wanted--I am
+obliged to say it--pyjamas for winter wear. I know all about pyjamas
+for summer wear; what I wanted was pyjamas for winter wear, and I
+decided that Agnes should make them. For years I have been trying to
+get proper pyjamas--by which I mean pyjamas properly made--but the
+haberdasher always smiles depreciation and tells me that the goods he
+offers me are what are always worn. Quite so; but what I say is that
+out of bed and for the purpose of having your photograph taken Trade
+pyjamas are all right; but that in bed they commit untold offences. I
+enter my bed clothed; I settle down in it half-naked. The jacket has
+run up to my arm-pits; my legs are bare to the knee; my arms to the
+elbows; the loosely buttoned front is ruckled up into a funnel, down
+which, whenever I move, the bedclothes like a bellows draw a chill
+blast of air on to that particular part of my chest which is designed
+for catching colds. When I turn over in my dreams I wake to find
+myself tied as with ropes. Slumber's chains have indeed bound me. I am
+a man in the clothing of a nightmare. The cold, cold sheets catch me
+in the most ticklesome delicacies of my back and make me jump again.
+Enough.
+
+"Well," said Agnes, "if I am going to make your pyjamas you must tell
+me exactly what you want."
+
+"My pyjamas," I said, "shall be buttoned round the ankle and capacious
+below the waist--there I ask a Turkish touch. The jacket shall be
+buttoned at the wrists and baggy at the shoulder; at the chest it
+shall strap me across like an R.F.C. tunic, and it shall be securely
+clipped to the trousers."
+
+"Why not have it all in one?"
+
+"What!" I cried, "and parade hotel passages in search of the bath
+looking like a clown out of a circus? No, thank you."
+
+"You must make me a pattern then," said Agnes, "or I shan't know what
+to do."
+
+I can't make patterns, but I can, and I did, make plans of ground and
+first-floor levels, a section and back and front elevations, all to a
+scale of one inch to the foot exactly. I also made a full-size detail
+of a toggle-and-cinch gear linking the upper storey to the lower.
+
+"I think," Agnes said, "you had better come to the shop and choose the
+material."
+
+I thought so too. I wanted something gaudy that would make me feel
+cheerful when I woke in the morning; but I also had another idea in
+my mind. _Mangle-proof buttons_! Have the things been invented yet?
+
+The archbishop who attended to us deprecated the idea of india-rubber
+buttons.
+
+"What kind are you now using?" he asked solicitously.
+
+"At present, on No. 2," I said, "I am using splinters of
+mother-of-pearl. Last week, with No. 1, I used a steel ring hanging
+by its rim to a shred of linen, two safeties, and a hairpin found on
+the floor."
+
+I chose a flannel with broad green and violet stripes, and very large
+buttons of vitrified brick which I hoped might break the mangle. These
+buttons were emerald in colour and gave me a new idea. _Trimmings_.
+
+"I want to look right if the house catches fire," I told Agnes. "Green
+sateen collar to match the buttons--"
+
+"And for the wristbands," said Agnes, catching my enthusiasm.
+
+"And for the wristbands," I agreed; "but," I added, "not at the
+ankles. That would make the other people in the street expect me to
+dance to them, and I don't know how to."
+
+And now the good work is complete. Toggle and cinch perform their
+proud functions, and I sleep undisturbed by Arctic nightmares, for I
+have substituted green ties for the stoneware buttons which reduced
+my vitality by absorbing heat. My only trouble is my increasing
+reluctance to rise in the morning. I don't like changing out of my
+beautiful things so early in the day. I am beginning to want breakfast
+in bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE DUMP.
+
+(_LINES TO THE N.C.O. IN CHARGE._)
+
+  Now is the hour of dusk and mist and midges,
+    Now the tired planes drone homeward through the haze,
+  And distant wood-fires wink behind the ridges,
+    And the first flare some timorous Hun betrays;
+  Now no shell circulates, but all men brood
+      Over their evening food;
+  The bats flit warily and owl and rat
+    With muffled cries their shadowy loves pursue,
+  And pleasant, Corporal, it is to chat
+    In this hushed moment with a man like you.
+
+  How strange a spectacle of human passions
+    Is yours all day beside the Arras road,
+  What mournful men concerned about their rations
+    When here at eve the limbers leave their load,
+  What twilight blasphemy, what horses' feet
+      Entangled with the meat,
+  What sudden hush when that machine-gun sweeps,
+    And--flat as possible for men so round--
+  The Quartermasters may be seen in heaps,
+    While you sit still and chuckle, I'll be bound!
+
+  Here all men halt awhile and tell their rumours;
+    Here the young runners come to cull your tales,
+  How Generals talked with you, in splendid humours,
+    And how the Worcestershires have gone to Wales;
+  Up yonder trench each lineward regiment swings,
+      Saying some shocking things;
+  And here at dark sad diggers stand in hordes
+    Waiting the late elusive Engineer,
+  While glowing pipes illume yon notice-boards,
+    That say, "No LIGHTS. YOU MUST NOT LOITER HERE."
+
+  And you sit ruminant and take no action,
+    But daylong watch the aeroplanes at play,
+  Or contemplate with secret satisfaction
+    Your fellow-men proceeding towards the fray;
+  Your sole solicitude when men report
+      There is a shovel short,
+  Or, numbering jealously your rusty store,
+    Some mouldering rocket, some wet bomb you miss
+  That was reserved for some ensuing war,
+    But on no grounds to be employed in this.
+
+  For Colonels flatter you, most firm of warders,
+    For sandbags suppliant, and do no good,
+  And high Staff officers and priests in orders
+    In vain beleaguer you for bits of wood,
+  While I, who have nor signature nor chit,
+      But badly want a bit,
+  I only talk to you of these high themes,
+    Nor stoop to join the sycophantic choir,
+  Seeing (I trust) my wicked batman, Jeames,
+    Has meanwhile pinched enough to light my fire.
+
+  A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_looking out of train on to darkened
+platform_). "PORTER, IS THIS EDGWARE ROAD? I CAN'T SEE A THING."
+
+_Porter_ (_with Irish blood in her_). "NOT YET, M'M. EDGWARE ROAD'S
+THE STATION BEFORE YOU GETS TO BAKER STHEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+"In a few days," says the puff preliminary of _The Coming_ (CHATTO
+AND WINDUS), "you and all your friends will be reading and discussing
+this most strange and prophetic novel." Perhaps. But what we shall
+be saying about it depends largely, I suppose, upon our definition
+of the term prophetic; also a little upon our feeling with regard to
+good taste and the permissible in fiction. My own contribution will
+be a sincere regret that a writer as gifted as Mr. J.C. SNAITH should
+have attempted the obviously impossible. His theme, symbolised by a
+wrapper-design of three figures silhouetted against a golden sunrise,
+is a second advent of the Messiah, embodied in the person of a village
+carpenter named (with palpable significance) _John Smith_, whom local
+prejudice sends, not inexcusably, to a madhouse, where he dies, after
+converting the inmates and instituting a campaign of universal peace.
+Frankly, the chief interest of such a wildly fantastic idea lies in
+watching just how far Mr. SNAITH can carry it without too flagrant
+offence. That his treatment is both sincere and careful hardly lessens
+my feeling that the whole attempt is one to be deplored. Humour of the
+intentional kind has, of course, no place in the author's scheme. How
+remote is its banishment you may judge when I tell you that the Divine
+message is represented as given to mankind in the form of a wonderful
+play, which instantly achieves world-wide fame, being performed by no
+fewer than fifty companies in America alone. The problem (to name but
+one) of the resulting struggle between plenary inspiration and the
+conditions of a fit-up tour is only another proof of my contention
+that there are more things in heaven and earth than can be treated
+in realistic fiction, and that Mr. SNAITH'S good intentions have
+unfortunately betrayed him into selecting the least possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If _Humphrey Thorncot_ and his sister _Edith_ had not bored one
+another and grown touchy--I judge by their reported conversations--in
+a house with green shutters in Chelsea, they would never have gone
+to St. Elizabeth, which is a Swiss resort, and would never have met
+the East-Prussian family of the _von Ludwigs_ in the year before the
+War. And _Humphrey_ would never have fallen (temporarily) in love
+with _Hulda von Ludwig_, nor would _Karl von Ludwig_ have fallen
+(permanently) in love with _Edith Thorncot_. The troubles and miseries
+of this latter couple are related by Mr. HUGH SPENDER in _The Gulf_
+(COLLINS). Papa _von Ludwig_ objects so violently to all this
+love-making that he eventually succumbs to a regular East-Prussian
+stroke of apoplexy which all but leads to a charge of parricide
+against _Karl_ by his base brother, _Wilhelm_. _Karl_ is really too
+good for this world. He objects to atrocities and refuses at the risk
+of his own life to shoot innocent Belgian villagers. Being imprisoned,
+he escapes by means of a secret sliding panel and an underground
+passage which leads him, not immediately, but after many vicissitudes,
+to America. There he is joined by his faithful _Edith_, who defies the
+Gulf caused by the War, and marries him. Mr. SPENDER appears to have
+been in some doubt as to whether he should write the story of two
+souls or the history of the first few weeks of the War. Eventually
+he elects to do both, and his novel consequently suffers somewhat in
+grip. He certainly paints a very vivid picture of events in the first
+period of active operations. May I hint a doubt, by the way, whether
+in 1913 a French Professor would have mentioned HINDENBURG as one of
+Germany's most important men? Whatever he may have been in Germany,
+HINDENBURG was for the outside world a later discovery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Further Memories_ (HUTCHINSON) is justly called by its publishers
+a "fascinating volume." The designation will not surprise those who
+enjoyed the late Lord REDESDALE'S former book of recollections. The
+present collection is a little haphazard (but none the worse for
+that), its chapters ranging over such diverse subjects as Gardens
+and Trees, QUEEN VICTORIA, BUDDHA, and the Commune. Certainly not
+the least interesting is that devoted to the story of the Wallace
+Collection, of which Lord REDESDALE was one of the trustees. His
+account of the origin and devolution of the famous treasures will
+invest them with a new interest in the happy days when they shall
+again be visible. Mr. EDMUND GOSSE contributes a foreword to the
+present volume, in which he draws a pathetic picture of the author,
+still unconquerably young, despite his years, facing the future with
+only one fear, that of the unemployment to which his increasing
+deafness, and the break-up of the world as it was before the War,
+seemed to be condemning him. _Further Memories_ was, we are told,
+undertaken as some sort of a safeguard against this menace of
+stagnation. It was a measure for which we may all be glad, as we can
+share Mr. GOSSE'S thanksgiving that the writer's death, coming when
+it did, saved him, as he had wished, "from all consciousness of
+decrepitude."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When an unstable young wife, getting tired of a pedantic husband in
+the way so familiar to students of novels, goes off with a companion
+more to her taste, anyone can foresee trouble, or what would there be
+to write about? When, further, her detestable lover, seeking change
+and fearing the financial lash of his properly indignant parent,
+terminates the arrangement, even an observer of real life can
+guess that her return to her rightful lord and master must entail
+disagreeables; but only a reader well brazened in modern fiction could
+expect Don Juan promptly to make love to and marry the husband's
+sister without a word of apology to anyone. This kind of rather
+unsavoury dabbling in problems best left to themselves generally
+concludes with the decease of most of the characters and a sort
+of clearing up, and to this rule, after many years and pages of
+discomfort, MARY E. MANN'S new story, _The Victim_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), is no exception. Not a very attractive programme, but all
+the same the volume has one or two redeeming features. For one thing,
+the sister is clearly and attractively drawn, and so is the picture on
+the wrapper, though it represents no particular incident to be traced
+in the pages of the volume which it adorns. Writing more strongly than
+is perhaps her wont, Mrs. MANN has taken some trouble to emphasise the
+fact that in these cases of uncontrolled passion the major penalty
+of guilt is borne not by the offenders themselves but by the first
+generation succeeding. This does need saying occasionally, I suppose,
+and to that extent _The Victim_ redeems itself from the charge of
+trivial unpleasantness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. J. RATH has really discovered a new type of heroine, new at least
+this side the Atlantic. His farm-bred _Sadie_, a Buffalo shirt-packer,
+classifies men by the sizes of their shirts, has no use for any
+swain with a chest measurement under forty, and eventually in a most
+original way finds her hero in _Mister 44_ (METHUEN), an enormous
+Canadian engineer and sportsman. She is no chicken herself and has
+a passion to be free of the city and out in the great open. _Sadie_
+is more than big; she is beautiful, burnished-copper-haired, sincere
+and kind, and, though I think the author "gets this over" quite well
+I liked her best before she found her man and her _Robinson Crusoe_
+adventures among the islands of Ontario, and was giving back chat to
+the little foreman in the factory. Here she is a pure delight; and
+in these days, when a knowledge of the American language may come in
+handy at any moment, this amiable romance may well be recommended as
+an attractive manual of first-aid in the matter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Without professing to be a student of Mrs. DIVER'S books I know enough
+about them to be worried by the commonplaceness of _Unconquered_
+(MURRAY). Like so many other authors she has succumbed to the lure
+of the War-novel. There may be a public for tales of this kind, but
+I have not yet read one that approaches artistic success. Here we
+are spared nothing. _Sir Mark Forsyth_ goes to France in the early
+days, is first of all reported "missing, believed killed," and then
+officially reported "killed." Of course he turns up again, but such
+a physical wreck that the minx whom he was to have married breaks
+off the engagement. Naturally the sweet girl, friend of _Mark's_
+childhood, undertakes to fill the gap. The minx, _Bel Alison_, is so
+scathingly drawn that from sheer perversity I found myself hunting
+for one good point in her character; but without a find. On the other
+hand, _Lady Forsyth_, _Mark's_ mother, and a quiet, capable man called
+_Macnair_, are admirably put before us. Yet at best there remains
+the conviction that the War is terribly real that these attempts to
+romance about it are almost bound to be as superficial as they are
+superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DURING THE RAID. _Disappointed Player_. "HARD LINES! I
+HAD AN EASY FIVE SHOT THAT WOULD HAVE RUN ME OUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lost, between Ryde Pier and Southsea, Black Satin Bag, containing
+    keys and eyeglasses. Reward given."--_Portsmouth Paper_.
+
+A chance for the local mine-sweepers.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+153, NOV. 14, 1917***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 11428-8.txt or 11428-8.zip *******
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 14, 1917, by Various</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Nov. 14, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 14, 1917</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Release Date: March 3, 2004  [eBook #11428]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, NOV. 14, 1917***</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br />
+           and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <br />
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 153.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>November 14, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page327"
+       id="page327"></a>[pg 327]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>People are asking, "Can there be a hidden brain in the
+    Foreign Office?"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A German posing as a Swiss, and stated by the police to be
+    "a spy and a dangerous character," has been sentenced to six
+    months' imprisonment. The matter will be further investigated
+    pending his escape.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Three men were charged at Old Street last week with
+    attempting the "pot of tea" trick. The trick apparently
+    consists in finding a man with a pot of tea and giving him a
+    sovereign to go round the corner and buy a ham sandwich, the
+    thief meanwhile offering to hold the pot of tea. When the owner
+    returns the tea has, of course, vanished.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The increased consumption of bread, says Sir ARTHUR YAPP, is
+    due to the 9<i>d.</i> loaf. It would just serve us right if
+    bread cost 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a pound and there wasn't any,
+    like everything else.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"It is all a matter of taste," says a correspondent of
+    <i>The Daily Mail</i>, "but I think parsnips are now at their
+    best." They may be looking their best, but the taste remains
+    the same.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Seventy tons of blackberries for the soldiers have been
+    gathered by school-children in Buckinghamshire. Arrangements
+    have been made for converting this fruit into plum-and-apple
+    jam.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Home Ruler" was the occupation given by a Chertsey woman on
+    her sugar-card application. The FOOD CONTROLLER states that
+    although this form of intimidation may work with the Government
+    it has no terrors for him.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Russian Minister of Finance anticipates getting a
+    revenue of forty million pounds from a monopoly of tea. It is
+    thought that he must have once been a grocer.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Law Courts are to be made available as an air-raid
+    shelter by day and night, and some of our revue proprietors are
+    already complaining of unfair competition.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Two survivors of the battle of Inkerman have been discovered
+    at Brighton. Their inactivity in the present crisis is most
+    unfavourably commented on by many of the week-end visitors.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A dolphin nearly eight feet in length has been landed by a
+    boy who was fishing at Southwold. Its last words were that it
+    hoped the public would understand that it had only heard of the
+    food shortage that morning.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Captain OTTO SVERDRUP, the Arctic explorer, has returned his
+    German decorations. Upon hearing this the KAISER at once gave
+    orders for the North Pole to be folded up and put away.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A certain number of cold storage eggs at sixpence each are
+    being released in Berlin and buyers are urged to "fetch them
+    promptly." In this connection several Iron Crosses have already
+    been awarded for acts of distinguished bravery by
+    civilians.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>One of the new toys for Christmas is a cat which will swim
+    about in a bath. If only the household cat could learn to swim
+    it might be the means of saving several of its lives.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A correspondent would like to know whether the naval surgeon
+    who recently described in <i>The Lancet</i> how he raised
+    "hypnotic blisters" by suggestion received his tuition from one
+    of our University riverside coaches.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We are asked to deny the rumour that Mr. JUSTICE DARLING,
+    who last week cracked a joke which was not understood by some
+    American soldiers, has decided to do it all over again.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The power of music! An enterprising firm of manufacturers
+    offers pensions to women who become widows after the purchase
+    of a piano on the instalment plan.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We understand that a Member of Parliament will shortly ask
+    for a day to be set aside to inquire into the conduct of Mr.
+    PHILIP SNOWDEN, who is reported to have recently shown marked
+    pro-British tendencies.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In view of the attitude taken up by <i>The Daily Express</i>
+    against Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we
+    understand that the celebrated author, who has long
+    contemplated the final death of <i>Sherlock Holmes</i>, has
+    arranged that the famous detective shall one day be found dead
+    with a copy of <i>The Daily Express</i> in his hand.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public
+    eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of
+    the growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of
+    chaining them to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as
+    safe.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/327.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/327.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>INDIA MOVES.</h3>
+
+    <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,&mdash;The following is taken from a letter
+    from the Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers
+    Commanding Divisions and Independent Brigades:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"I am directed to point out that at present there
+        appears to be considerable diversity of opinion regarding
+        the number of buttons, and the method of placing the same
+        on mattresses in use in hospitals.</p>
+
+        <p>"I am therefore to request that in future all hospital
+        mattresses should be made up with fifty-three buttons
+        placed in fifteen rows of four and three alternately."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This should convince your readers that even India has at
+    last grasped the idea of the War and is getting a move on.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless
+        and successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's
+        knee, which he fractured six years ago."&mdash;<i>Sunday
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If the case is correctly reported&mdash;which we
+    doubt&mdash;it was very confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him
+    again.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page328"
+       id="page328"></a>[pg 328]</span>
+
+    <h2>MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Beersheba gone, and Gaza too!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And lo! the British lion,</p>
+
+            <p>After a pause to comb his mane,</p>
+
+            <p>Is grimly padding off again,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Tail up, <i>en route</i> for Zion.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yes, things are looking rather blue,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Just as in Mesopotamy;</p>
+
+            <p>My life-blood trickles in the sand;</p>
+
+            <p>My veins run dry; I cannot stand</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Much more of this phlebotomy.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Sick as a mule with glanders;</p>
+
+            <p>Too busy&mdash;selfish swine&mdash;is he</p>
+
+            <p>With winning ground in Italy</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And losing it in Flanders.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>His missives urge me not to fly</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But use the utmost fury</p>
+
+            <p>To hold these Christian dogs at bay</p>
+
+            <p>And for his sake to block the way</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To his belov&eacute;d Jewry.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"My feet," he wired, "have trod those scenes;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Within the walls of Salem</p>
+
+            <p>My sacred presence deigned to dwell,</p>
+
+            <p>And I should hate these hounds of hell</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To be allowed to scale 'em.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"So do your best to give them beans</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(You have some ammunition?),</p>
+
+            <p>And at a less congested date</p>
+
+            <p>I will arrive and consecrate</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Another German mission."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That's how he wires, alternate days,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But sends no troops to trammel</p>
+
+            <p>The foe that follows as I bump</p>
+
+            <p>Across Jud&aelig;a on the hump</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of my indifferent camel.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Well, I have tried all means and ways,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But seldom fail to foozle 'em;</p>
+
+            <p>And now if WILLIAM makes no sign</p>
+
+            <p>(This is his funeral more than mine)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The giaours can have Jerusalem.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O.S.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE SUGAR FIEND.</h2>
+
+    <p>"I will have a cup of tea," I said to the waitress, "China
+    if possible; and please don't forget the sugar."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, and what will you eat with I it?" she asked.</p>
+
+    <p>"What you please," I replied; "it is all horrible."</p>
+
+    <p>I do not take kindly to war-time teas. My idea of a tea is
+    several cups of the best China, with three large lumps of sugar
+    in each, and half-a-dozen fancy-cakes with icing sugar all over
+    them and cream in the middle, and just a few cucumber
+    sandwiches for the finish. (This does sound humorous, no doubt,
+    but I seek no credit for it. Humour used to depend upon a sense
+    of proportion. It now depends upon memory. The funniest man in
+    England at the present moment is the man who has the most
+    accurate memory for the things he was doing in the early summer
+    of 1914).</p>
+
+    <p>The loss of the cakes I could bear stoically enough if they
+    would leave my tea alone, or rather if they would allow me a
+    reasonable amount of sugar for it. However, we are an adaptable
+    people and there are ways in which even the sugar paper-dish
+    menace can be met. My own plan, here offered freely to all my
+    fellow-sufferers, provides an admirable epitome of War and
+    Peace. The sugar allowance being about half what it ought to
+    be, I take half of the cup unsweetened, thus tasting the
+    bitterness of war, and then I put in the sugar and bask in the
+    sunshine of peace.</p>
+
+    <p>On this particular occasion peace was on the point of being
+    declared when I found my attention irresistibly compelled by
+    the man sitting opposite to me, the only other occupant of my
+    table. At first I thought of asking him not to stare at me so
+    rudely, and then I found that he was not looking at me but over
+    my shoulder at some object at the end of the room. I can resist
+    the appeal of three hundred people gazing into the sky at the
+    same moment, but the intense concentration of this man was too
+    much for me. I turned round. Seeing nothing unusual I turned
+    back again, but it was too late. My sugar had gone! No trace of
+    it anywhere, except in the bubbles that winked suspiciously on
+    the surface of the miscreant's tea.</p>
+
+    <p>His face did not belong to any of the known criminal types.
+    It was a pale, dreamy, garden-suburb sort of face&mdash;a face
+    you couldn't possibly give in charge, except, perhaps, under
+    the Military Service Acts.</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you know," I said to him, "that you have just committed
+    one of the most terrible offences open to civilised
+    mankind&mdash;a crime even worse (Heaven help me if I
+    exaggerate) than trampling on an allotment?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, I'm sorry!" he replied, waking from his dream. "Did you
+    want that sugar? You know, you seemed to be getting on very
+    well without it."</p>
+
+    <p>As I could not believe him to be beyond the reach of pity, I
+    explained my method to him, describing as harrowingly as I
+    could the joy of those first few moments after the declaration
+    of peace. I suggested to him that he might sometimes find it
+    useful himself, if ever he should be compelled to sit at an
+    unoccupied table. ("<i>Touch&eacute;</i>," he murmured, raising
+    his hat). "And now," I concluded, "as I have told you my
+    system, perhaps you will tell me yours&mdash;not for imitation,
+    but for avoidance."</p>
+
+    <p>"There is very little to tell," he replied sorrowfully, "but
+    it is tragic enough. All my life I have been fond of sugar.
+    Before the war I took always nine lumps to a cup of tea. (It
+    was my turn to raise my hat.) By a severe course of
+    self-repression I have reduced it to seven, but I cannot get
+    below that. I have given up the attempt. There are a hundred
+    cures for the drink habit; there is not one for the sugar
+    habit. As I cannot repress the desire, I have had to put all my
+    energy into getting hold of sugar. I noticed some time ago that
+    at these restaurants they give the sugar allowance to all
+    customers who ask for tea or coffee, although perhaps twenty
+    per cent. of them do not take sugar at all. It is these people
+    who supply me with the extra sugar I need. In your case it was
+    an honest mistake. I always wait to see if people are proposing
+    to use their sugar before I appropriate it."</p>
+
+    <p>"But if you only take from the willing," I inquired, "why do
+    you not ask their permission?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I suppose I have given you the right to ask me that
+    question," he replied with much dignity, "but it is painful to
+    me to have to answer it. I have not yet sunk so low that I have
+    to beg people for their cast-off sugar. I may come to it in the
+    end, perhaps. At present the 'earnest gaze' trick is generally
+    sufficient, or, where it fails, a kick on the shin. But I hate
+    cruelty."</p>
+
+    <p>"Physical cruelty," I suggested.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, any kind of cruelty. I have said that in your case I
+    made a mistake. If I could repair it I would."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," I said, "here's something you can do towards it,
+    although it's little enough." And I handed him the ticket the
+    waitress had written out for me. "And now I'll go and get a cup
+    of tea somewhere."</p>
+
+    <p>"One moment," he said, as I rose to go. "We may meet
+    again."</p>
+
+    <p>"Never!" I said firmly.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah, but we may, I have a number of disguises. Let me
+    suggest something that will make another mistake of this kind
+    impossible."</p>
+
+    <p>"I am not going to give up my plan," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, don't," he answered; "but <i>why not drink the sugared
+    half first?</i>"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Extract from an official letter received "Somewhere in
+    France":&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"It must be clearly understood that the numbers shown
+        under the heading, 'Awaiting Leave' will be the number of
+        all ranks who have not had leave to the United Kingdom
+        since last arrival in this country, whether such arrival
+        was their last return from Leave, or their last arrival in
+        France."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>And the Authorities are still wondering why the "Awaiting
+    Leave" list tallied so exactly with the daily strength.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page329"
+       id="page329"></a>[pg 329]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/329.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/329.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>A GREAT INCENTIVE.</h3>MEHMED (<i>reading despatch from
+        the All-Highest</i>). "'DEFEND JERUSALEM AT ALL COSTS FOR
+        MY SAKE. I WAS ONCE THERE MYSELF.'"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page330"
+       id="page330"></a>[pg 330]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2>
+
+    <p>The ammunition columns on either flank provide us with
+    plenty of amusement. They seem to live by stealing each other's
+    mules. My line-guards tell me that stealthy figures leading
+    shadowy donkeys are crossing to and fro all night long through
+    my lines. The respective C.O.'s, an Australian and an Irishman,
+    drop in on us from time to time and warn us against each other.
+    I remain strictly neutral, and so far they have respected my
+    neutrality. I have taken steps toward this end by surrounding
+    my horses with barbed wire and spring guns, tying bells on them
+    and doubling the guard.</p>
+
+    <p>Monk, the Australian, dropped in on us two or three days
+    ago. "That darn Sinn Feiner is the limit," said he; "lifted my
+    best moke off me last night while I was up at the batteries.
+    He'd pinch BALAAM'S ass." We murmured condolences, but Monk
+    waived them aside. "Oh, it's quite all right. I wasn't born
+    yesterday, or the day before for that matter. I'll make that
+    merry Fenian weep tears of blood before I've finished. Just you
+    watch."</p>
+
+    <p>O'Dwyer, the merry Fenian, called next day.</p>
+
+    <p>"Give us a dhrink, brother-officers," said he, "I'm wake wid
+    laughter."</p>
+
+    <p>We asked what had happened.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ye know that herrin'-gutted bush-ranger over yonder? He'd
+    stale the milk out of your tea, he would, be the same token.
+    Well, last night he got vicious and took a crack at my lines. I
+    had rayson to suspect he'd be afther tryin' somethin' on, so I
+    laid for him. I planted a certain mule where he <i>could</i>
+    stale it an' guarded the rest four deep. Begob, will ye believe
+    me, but he fell into the thrap head-first&mdash;the poor simple
+    divil."</p>
+
+    <p>"But he got your mule," said Albert Edward, perplexed.</p>
+
+    <p>"Shure an' he did, you bet he did&mdash;he got old
+    Lyddite."</p>
+
+    <p>Albert Edward and I were still puzzled.</p>
+
+    <p>"Very high explosive&mdash;hence name," O'Dwyer
+    explained.</p>
+
+    <p>"Dear hearrts," he went on, "he's got my stunt mule, my
+    family assassin! That long-ear has twenty-three casualties to
+    his credit, including a Brigadier. I have to twitch him to
+    harness him, side-line him to groom him, throw him to clip him,
+    and dhrug him to get him shod. Perceive the jest now? Esteemed
+    comrade Monk is afther pinchin' an infallable packet o' sudden
+    death, an' he don't know it&mdash;yet."</p>
+
+    <p>"What's the next move?" I inquired.</p>
+
+    <p>"I'm going to lave him there. Mind you I don't want to lose
+    the old moke altogether, because, to tell the truth, I'm a
+    biteen fond of him now that I know his thricks, but I figure
+    Mr. Monk will be a severely cured character inside a week, an'
+    return the beastie himself with tears an' apologies on vellum
+    so long."</p>
+
+    <p>I met O'Dwyer again two days later on the mud track. He
+    reined up his cob and begged a cigarette.</p>
+
+    <p>"Been havin' the fun o' the worrld down at the
+    dressin'-station watchin' Monk's casualties rollin' in," said
+    he. "Terrible spectacle, 'nough to make a sthrong man weep.
+    Mutual friend Monk lookin' 'bout as genial as a wet hen. This
+    is goin' to be a wondherful lesson to him. See you later." He
+    nudged his plump cob and ambled off, whistling merrily.</p>
+
+    <p>But it was Monk we saw later. He wormed his long corpse into
+    "<i>Mon Repos</i>" and sat on Albert Edward's bed laughing like
+    a tickled hyena. "Funniest thing on earth," he spluttered. "A
+    mule strayed into my lines t'other night and refused to leave.
+    It was a rotten beast, a holy terror; it could kick a fly off
+    its ears and bite a man in half. I don't mind admitting it
+    played battledore and what's-'is-name with my organisation for
+    a day or two, but out of respect for O'Dwyer, blackguard though
+    he is, I ..."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, so it was O'Dwyer's mule?" Albert Edward cut in
+    innocently.</p>
+
+    <p>Monk nodded hastily. "Yes, so it turned out. Well, out of
+    respect for O'Dwyer I looked after it as far as it would allow
+    me, naturally expecting he'd come over and claim it&mdash;but
+    he didn't. On the fourth day, after it had made a light
+    breakfast off a bombardier's ear and kicked a gap in a farrier,
+    I got absolutely fed up, turned the damn cannibal loose and
+    gave it a cut with a whip for godspeed. It made off due east,
+    cavorting and snorting until it reached the tank-track; there
+    it stopped and picked a bit of grass. Presently along comes a
+    tank, proceeding to the fray, and gives the mule a poke in the
+    rear. The mule lashes out, catching the tank in the chest, and
+    then goes on with his grazing without looking round, leaving
+    the tank for dead, as by all human standards it should have
+    been, of course. But instead of being dead the box of tricks
+    ups and gives the donk another butt and moves on. That roused
+    the mule properly. He closed his eyes and laid into the tank
+    for dear life; you could hear it clanging a mile away.</p>
+
+    <p>"After delivering two dozen of the best, the moke turned
+    round to sniff the cold corpse, but the corpse was still warm
+    and smiling. Then the mule went mad and set about the tank in
+    earnest. He jabbed it in the eye, upper-cut it on the point,
+    hooked it behind the ear, banged its slats, planted his left on
+    the mark and his right on the solar plexus, but still the tank
+    sat up and took nourishment.</p>
+
+    <p>"Then the donkey let a roar out of him and closed with it;
+    tried the half-Nelson, the back heel, the scissors, the roll,
+    and the flying-mare; tried Westmoreland and Cumberland style,
+    collar and elbow, Cornish, Gr&aelig;co-Roman,
+    scratch-as-scratch-can and Ju-jitsu. Nothing doing. Then as a
+    last despairing effort he tried to charge it over on its back
+    and rip the hide off it with his teeth.</p>
+
+    <p>"But the old tank gave a 'good-by ee' cough of its exhaust
+    and rumbled off as if nothing had happened, nothing at all. I
+    have never seen such a look of surprise on any living
+    creature's face as was on that donk's. He sank down on his
+    tail, gave a hissing gasp and rolled over stone dead. Broken
+    heart."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page331"
+       id="page331"></a>[pg 331]</span>
+
+    <p>"Is that the end?" Albert Edward inquired.</p>
+
+    <p>"It is," said Monk; "and if you go outside and look
+    half-right you'll see the bereaved Mr. O'Dwyer, all got up in
+    sack-cloth, cinders and cr&ecirc;pe rosettes, mooning over the
+    deceased like a dingo on an ash-heap." PATLANDER.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/330.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/330.png"
+             alt="" /></a>Keen Motorist <i>(who has temporarily
+             taken to push-biking, to leisurely fowl which has
+             brought him low)</i>. "JUST YOU WAIT TILL THEY REMOVE
+             THESE PETROL RESTRICTIONS."
+
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"For the Duration ..."</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The forenoon service in the Parish Church will be at 11
+        o'clock instead of 11.15 on Sunday first, and will continue
+        till further orders."&mdash;<i>Scottish Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h3>Aid for the Military Police.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The recruiting hut which is being erected in Trafalgar
+        Square in connection with the campaign undertaken by the
+        Ministry of Labour to recruit women for the Women's Army
+        Auxiliary Cops will shortly be completed."&mdash;<i>Sunday
+        Pictorial</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"She was visited occasionally by a man of foreign
+        appearance, who was believed to be her
+        bother-in-law."&mdash;<i>Ipswich Evening Star.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Probably one of those "strained relations" we so often read
+    about.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"My Correspondent's bona fides are above
+        suspicion."&mdash;<i>"The Clubman" in "The Pall Matt
+        Gazette."</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>One good fide deserves another, but of course the more the
+    merrier.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/331.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/331.png"
+              alt="" /></a><i>Aunt Maria</i>. "DO YOU KNOW I ONCE
+             ACTUALLY SAW THE KAISER RIDING THROUGH THE STREETS OF
+             LONDON AS BOLD AS BRASS. IF I'D KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW
+             NOW I'D HAVE TOLD A POLICEMAN."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>INVITATION.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If you will come and stay with us you shall not want
+            for ease;</p>
+
+            <p>We'll swing you on a cobweb between the forest
+            trees;</p>
+
+            <p>And twenty little singing-birds upon a flowering
+            thorn</p>
+
+            <p>Shall hush you every evening and wake you every
+            morn.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If you will come and stay with us you need not miss
+            your school;</p>
+
+            <p>A learned toad shall teach you, high-perched upon
+            his stool;</p>
+
+            <p>And he will tell you many things that none but
+            fairies know&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The way the wind goes wandering and how the daisies
+            grow.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If you will come and stay with us you shall not
+            lack, my dear,</p>
+
+            <p>The finest fairy raiment, the best of fairy
+            cheer;</p>
+
+            <p>We'll send a million glow-worms out, and slender
+            chains of light</p>
+
+            <p>Shall make a shining pathway&mdash;then why not come
+            to-night?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>R.F.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>CHRISTMAS FARE IN WAR-TIME.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Whatever the dinner be like, we can still have our fill
+        of holly and mistletoe."&mdash;<i>Star</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>IMITATION AIR-RAIDS.</h2>
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch is glad to note that some real efforts are being
+    made to meet the public needs in this matter on nights when
+    there is no attack by the enemy.</p>
+
+    <p>In particular the owners of certain large warehouses have
+    come forward in a spirited manner by giving directions for the
+    banging of large folding-doors at suitable (irregular) hours.
+    Private individuals also, especially when returning home late
+    at night, can do something in the way of supplying
+    entertainment for nervous residents in the neighbourhood. Much
+    is expected, too, of the large dairy companies, who, by their
+    control of vast numbers of heavy milk-cans, are in a peculiarly
+    favoured position. By the manipulation of these vessels on a
+    stone floor a very complete imitation of a raid can be
+    produced. A good deal, of course, can be done by any ordinary
+    householder. "I have had great fun," one correspondent writes,
+    "with a very deliberate and heavily-striking Dutch clock, which
+    I have lately put against my party-wall. My neighbour's family
+    frequently jump up and run for the basement. When they get used
+    to the thing I shall give the other side a
+    turn."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page332"
+       id="page332"></a>[pg 332]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE FIRE-DRILL.</h2>
+
+    <p>Once a month, as laid down in "Orders for Auxiliary
+    Hospitals for Officers," or some such document, we practise
+    fire-drill. This consists of escaping from upper windows by
+    means of precarious canvas chutes. The only people exempted
+    from this ceremony are Mrs. Ropes&mdash;who watches with great
+    delight from a safe distance&mdash;and Sister, who stands
+    sternly at the top to make sure (a) that those patients who
+    don't want to go down do go down, and (b) that those patients
+    who do want to go down don't go down more than once. No excuses
+    are taken. The fixed ration is one slither per chute per
+    person.</p>
+
+    <p>We had this month's rehearsal last Tuesday. The patients
+    were put through it first, Major Stanley&mdash;to his great
+    disgust&mdash;being chosen to lead the way and set his juniors
+    an example. He was told that it was possible, by sticking out
+    his elbows, to go down as slowly as he liked; but he must have
+    done it wrong somehow, for he disappeared with startling
+    suddenness the instant he let go the window-sill, and almost
+    simultaneously his boots shot out at the other end and doubled
+    Dutton the butler up so badly that he had to be taken away and
+    reinflated.</p>
+
+    <p>Haynes, who came next, insisted on first making his dying
+    speech from the window, for, as he pointed out to Sister, when
+    people allowed themselves to be inserted alive into machines of
+    this type there was every likelihood of their reappearing at
+    the other end in the form of sausages. Seymour handed Sister a
+    bulky package labelled "WILL" before starting, and most of us
+    managed to be mildly humorous in some way or other.</p>
+
+    <p>Mrs. Ropes, on the lawn, enjoyed it all immensely; and so
+    did Ansell, who was standing beside her with an air of
+    detachment. Sister's eagle eye singled him out.</p>
+
+    <p>"Come along, Mr. Ansell," she called. "I see you&mdash;your
+    turn next. No shirking."</p>
+
+    <p>"I'm not in this, Sister," he answered loftily.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, indeed! And why not?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Because I sleep on the verandah. If there's a fire I simply
+    get out of bed and step into the garden."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, no, you don't," put in Seymour. "That would be entirely
+    contrary to regulations. The official method of escaping from
+    burning buildings is down the official chute. In case of fire
+    your correct procedure will be to double smartly upstairs,
+    commend your soul to Providence in a soldier-like manner, and
+    toboggan smartly down."</p>
+
+    <p>(Have I mentioned that Seymour is an Adjutant?)</p>
+
+    <p>"That's right, Captain Seymour," said Sister from above.
+    "Bring him up under escort if necessary."</p>
+
+    <p>After the patients came Miss Ropes, and after her the
+    domestic staff, beginning with the less valuable members and
+    working up gradually to Dutton and Cook. It was possible to
+    trace the progress of the younger and slighter maids by a
+    swiftly-descending squeal, while that of the more portly was
+    visible as a leisurely protuberance. At last Cook was the only
+    one left&mdash;Dutton was not feeling quite up to performing
+    the journey. She was a new cook, and very precious. She had all
+    the generous proportions of her profession, and with them went
+    a placid temper and a great sense of personal dignity.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, Cook," said Miss Ropes, "<i>you</i> needn't go down,
+    you know, unless you want to."</p>
+
+    <p>There are times when official regulations must be sacrificed
+    to diplomacy. But Cook was in high good humour, and quite
+    determined on doughty deeds. Miss Ropes said no more.</p>
+
+    <p>The task of getting a wide cook into a narrow canvas tube
+    proved quite unexpectedly difficult; and, when it was
+    accomplished, so far from sticking out her elbows as brakes,
+    she had to press them close to her sides in order to move at
+    all. With the aid of a friendly pressure applied to the top of
+    her head by Sister she got slowly under way. The chute bulged
+    portentously. The bulge travelled a few feet; then it stuck and
+    became violently agitated. Sister clutched at the top of the
+    chute, while Dutton hung manfully on to the other end.</p>
+
+    <p>"Don't struggle," said Sister in a stern professional voice.
+    "Keep your arms still, and you'll come down all right." A
+    muffled screaming and a dangerously increased agitation of the
+    chute was the only reply. Cook had quite lost her head and was
+    having violent hysterics. Three or four of us raced upstairs to
+    aid Sister in keeping the top end of the apparatus from jerking
+    free, while several more went to the assistance of the
+    flustered Dutton.</p>
+
+    <p>Cook ceased to struggle for a moment, but only through
+    exhaustion; for when Sister seized the opportunity to repeat
+    her advice a fresh paroxysm came on, and everybody "stood to"
+    at their posts again. Miss Ropes conceived the idea of
+    attaching a cord to Cook's armpits and hauling her up again by
+    main force. She dashed into the house, and found a demoralised
+    kitchen-maid calling incoherently for help down the
+    telephone.</p>
+
+    <p>Meanwhile Cook had had her worst spasm. We hung grimly on to
+    the chute, dismally confident that something would have to give
+    way soon. Suddenly there was a rending sound; the seam of the
+    canvas ripped open and a gaping slit appeared, through which
+    Cook's freed arm flapped wildly. Then the arm disappeared as
+    the body to which it was attached gathered momentum; and when
+    Miss Ropes appeared with a length of cord she was just in time
+    to see her retainer return to the world&mdash;alive, but
+    practically inside out.</p>
+
+    <p>As soon as Cook recovered her breath it was apparent that
+    her temper was no longer placid. Forgetting entirely that it
+    was by her own choice that she had made the trip, she gave us
+    all to understand that she believed the whole incident to have
+    been specially arranged for her humiliation. She gave notice on
+    the spot, and staggered indignantly to the house to pack her
+    box, leaving her employer once again face to face with the
+    Servant Problem.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE ARTISETTE.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>(<i>An Engineering School for Women has been started in
+        Scotland.</i>)</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What if my lady should appear</p>
+
+            <p>In a mechanic's grimy gear?</p>
+
+            <p>I shall not squeamishly decline</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To figure at her shrine.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If Vulcan's smoky sway precludes</p>
+
+            <p>An assignation in the woods,</p>
+
+            <p>I shall not linger less elate</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Outside the foundry gate.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When she knocks off at eventide</p>
+
+            <p>I'll flutter fondly to her side,</p>
+
+            <p>And demonstrate that grease and oil</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Can't loosen love's sweet coil.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Most tenderly my tongue shall wag</p>
+
+            <p>To Amaryllis on the slag,</p>
+
+            <p>Whilst I endeavour to confine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her horny hand in mine.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Personal.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Pat. Don't be disappointed. Nothing amis.
+        Iris."&mdash;<i>Calcutta Statesman</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Only a letter gone astray.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let,
+        outside air radius."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>A little suffocating, perhaps.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"If a million quarter acres in the country were left
+        uncultivated, the result would be that a quarter of a
+        million acres would be left uncultivated."&mdash;<i>Scotch
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Examined and found correct.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"In that ouse Capital was very fully
+        represented&mdash;he thought
+        over-represented."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the
+    capital out.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page333"
+       id="page333"></a>[pg 333]</span>
+
+    <h3>THE HIGHWAYMAN.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figure"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/333-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/333-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <table summary="333-1">
+            <tr align="center">
+                <td width="43%"
+                    align="center">"TAXI! TAXI!"<br />
+                "WHAT ABAHT IT?"</td>
+
+                <td width="14%"></td>
+
+                <td width="43%"
+                    align="center">"I WANT TO GO TO
+                    HAMPSTEAD."<br />
+                "DO YER?"</td>
+            </tr>
+        </table>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figure"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/333-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/333-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <table summary="333-2">
+            <tr align="center">
+                <td width="43%"
+                    align="center">"I'LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL
+                    FARE."<br />
+                "DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN' I'LL TAKE
+                YER&mdash;'ALF-WAY."</td>
+
+                <td width="14%"></td>
+
+                <td width="43%"
+                    align="center">"AN', MIND YER, I WOULDN'T 'AVE
+                    BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I 'APPENED TO
+                    'AVE BIN COMIN' ANY'OW. I LIVE UP 'ERE."</td>
+            </tr>
+        </table>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page334"
+       id="page334"></a>[pg 334]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/334.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/334.png"
+             alt="" /></a><i>Officer</i> (<i>returning to France in
+             heavy sea</i>).
+             "I&mdash;HOPE&mdash;TO&mdash;HEAVENS&mdash;THE
+             NEXT&mdash;WAR THEY HAVE&mdash;WILL&mdash;BE&mdash;IN
+             ENGLAND."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>NIGHTMARES.</h2>
+
+    <h3>I.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE
+        WAR CORRESPONDENT OF "THE DAILY MAIL" FOR A LITERAL
+        TRANSLATION OF THE C&AElig;SAR'S <i>DE BELLO
+        GALLICO</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"<i>Omnis Gallia in tres partes divisa est.</i>" Is it
+    fanciful to say of the three parts into which all Gaul is
+    divided that by their colours may they be known, the blue, the
+    brown and the ghastly, ghoulish, intolerable, bestial, but,
+    thank God, passing, grey? Yes, thank God, the blight of
+    greyness cannot last long; even now the scabrous plague is
+    being burnt up and swept back and overwhelmed by the resistless
+    flood, eager yet cautious, persistent yet fiery, of the blue
+    and the brown. Hideous, pitiable, soul-searing are the scars
+    that it leaves in its mephitic wake, but the cleansing tide of
+    the brown and the blue sweeps on, and the healing wand of time
+    waves over them, and soon the shell-holes and the waste places
+    and the abominations of desolation are covered with little
+    flowers&mdash;or would be if it were Spring.</p>
+
+    <p>The Spring! No one knows what depth of meaning lies in that
+    little word for our brave fellows, what intensity of hopes and
+    fears and well-nigh intolerable yearnings it awakens beneath
+    the cheery insouciance of their exteriors; no one, that is,
+    except me. They tell me about it as they pass back, privates
+    and generals, war-hardened veterans and boys of nineteen with
+    the youth in their eyes not yet drowned by the ever-increasing
+    encroachments of the war-devil; all are alike in their cheerful
+    determination to see this grim and bloody business of fighting
+    to an honourable end, and alike, too, in that their souls turn
+    frankly, as might children's, for refreshment and relief to the
+    kindly breast and simple beauties of Mother Nature.</p>
+
+    <p>The key-note of their attitude is given in the sentence,
+    spoken dreamily and as if in forgetfulness of my presence, by a
+    Corporal of the R.G.A. as I cleaned his boots&mdash;it was an
+    honour. "The blue&mdash;the blue&mdash;the blue&mdash;and the
+    white!"</p>
+
+    <p>He was gazing skywards. I could see nothing but grey clouds,
+    but I knew that his young eyes were keener than mine, that he
+    had learnt to look into the inmost heart of things in that
+    baptism of fire, that travail of freedom, where desolation
+    blossoms and hell sprouts like a weed. Through the grey he
+    could discern the triumph of the blue and the white of peace,
+    when the work of the brown shall be done. It was an allegory.
+    More he told me, too, in his simple country speech, so good to
+    hear in a foreign land: of the daisies in the yard at home, of
+    the dandelions on the lawn, of his pet pig: things too sacred
+    to repeat here. And he told me that the great event on the
+    Front now is the Autumn glory of the trees. Then he departed,
+    and as he went he broke into deep-throated, Homeric laughter,
+    and I&mdash;I understood: he was mocking Death. Even thus does
+    laughter yap at the heels of that dishonoured king out
+    here.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TO THE BOOD.</h2>
+
+    <h3>A SODDET.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Our poet has caught a severe cold through having spent
+        the night in the cellar.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>BOOD, whose autubdal spleddour, as of dood,</p>
+
+            <p>Shides od frob set of sud to dawdigg bord,</p>
+
+            <p>Gradt be this bood, o bood, to calb by bood</p>
+
+            <p>With agodisigg apprehedsiod tord,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Illube dot with thy beabs the biddight burk,</p>
+
+            <p>Whed through the gloob the Huddish biscreadts</p>
+
+            <p>Cobe sdeakigg, bedt od their idhubad work</p>
+
+            <p>Of bobbigg slubberigg dod-cobbatadts.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Or if thy labbedt gleabs thou bayst dot blidd,</p>
+
+            <p>Thed bay they aid our airbed add our guds;</p>
+
+            <p>Its bark bay every barkigg bissile fidd,</p>
+
+            <p>Bay dought be dode abiss, dor dode be duds.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>So bayst thou baffle burderous WILLIAB'S plad,</p>
+
+            <p>Add all attebts of that bad badbad bad.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page335"
+       id="page335"></a>[pg 335]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/335.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/335.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>PRIVILEGED DISLOYALTY.</h3>
+
+        <p>FIRST TRAITOR. "HOW ARE WE TO PUSH OUR PROPAGANDA PAST
+        THE CENSOR?"</p>
+
+        <p>SECOND TRAITOR. "NOTHING EASIER. GET THE RIGHT KIND OF
+        QUESTIONS ASKED IN PARLIAMENT; THERE'S NOBODY TO STOP
+        <i>THEM</i> FROM BEING PUBLISHED."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page336"
+       id="page336"></a>[pg 336]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday, November 5th.</i>&mdash;By way of celebrating Guy
+    Fawkes Day the Government announced their intention of
+    compensating, up to a limit of five hundred pounds, any
+    householder whose property has been damaged in air-raids. How
+    soon he will cage his "monkey" will depend upon the Treasury,
+    which is morbidly anxious lest in its transactions <i>bis dat
+    qui cito dat</i> should be literally illustrated.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/336-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/336-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>"Forgetting the claims of Glasgow." MR.
+             WATT.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The official price of potatoes is still unsettled. According
+    to his own statement the FOOD CONTROLLER is only waiting for
+    the decision of the War Cabinet. "On the contrary," said Mr.
+    LAW, "the Cabinet is only waiting for Lord RHONDDA." It seems
+    to be another case of the Earl of CHATHAM and Sir RICHAUD
+    STRACHAN; and in the meantime the potatoes are rotting.</p>
+
+    <p>Provided that no scarcity of gas for other purposes is
+    caused the Government see no objection to its use for the
+    propulsion of motor-cars. On receiving this information Mr.
+    PEMBERTON BILLING at once ordered a Zeppelin attachment to his
+    famous torpedo-shaped car. No other gas-consumer will suffer,
+    as he is prepared to keep the apparatus inflated from his own
+    retorts.</p>
+
+    <p>By the scheme of the Boundary Commissioners, the roll of the
+    Commons, already a hundred per cent. too big for its
+    accommodation, is to be increased by some thirty Members.
+    Various suggestions for enabling the new-comers to assist at
+    debates have been proposed. "Dug-outs" under the existing
+    benches, whence they could poke out their heads between the
+    legs of other Members, and "painters' cradles" depending from
+    the ceiling, or the galleries, are among the most popular.</p>
+
+    <p>In the circumstances it is not surprising that the HOME
+    SECRETARY strenuously resisted the proposal of the London
+    representatives to give another couple of Members to "the hub
+    of the universe," as Mr. WATT, momentarily forgetting the
+    claims of Glasgow, handsomely called it. Among a number of
+    minor concessions, Mr. THEODORE TAYLOR'S plea that Batley
+    should be associated with Morley "because they have had many a
+    tussle at cricket" could not be resisted.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, November 6th.</i>&mdash;A statement that the
+    great War Savings meeting at the Albert Hall cost &pound;3,500,
+    chiefly for the expenses of delegates, shocked the thrifty
+    conscience of Mr. HOGGE, who hoped Mr. BALDWIN would discourage
+    the PRIME MINISTER'S meetings if they were so expensive. Mr.
+    BALDWIN did not condescend to answer him or he might have
+    observed that the delegates in question were voluntary workers
+    who by their exertions had helped to raise over a hundred
+    millions for the prosecution of the War.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. TILLETT, the newly-elected Member for North Salford,
+    took his seat, and there was general cheering as, under the
+    safe-conduct of two amply-proportioned friends, Little Ben was
+    introduced to Big Ben.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/336-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/336-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h4>THE NEW RECRUIT.</h4>SIR JOHN SIMON.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>When Mr. BALFOUR informed Mr. JOWETT at Question-time that
+    the only commitments of Great Britain to France are contained
+    in the Treaty of Alliance of September 5th, 1914, which has
+    been duly published, he knocked the foundation from under the
+    subsequent peace-debate. But that did not prevent Mr. LEES
+    SMITH from making a long speech, on the assumption that by
+    promising to help France to recover her ravished provinces we
+    had improperly extended the objects of the war. Mr. MCCURDY,
+    who shares with Mr. LEES SMITH the representation of
+    Northampton, plainly hinted that if his colleague cared to
+    visit his constituents they would be delighted to present him
+    with a specimen of the local manufacture.</p>
+
+    <p>The speeches of Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. ASQUITH, though well
+    worth hearing, were hardly needed to complete the rout of the
+    Pacifists; and, in the division on the Closure, the men who are
+    prepared (in Mr. FABER'S pungent phrase) "to take the bloody
+    hand of Germany" made a very poor muster.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, November 7th.</i>&mdash;I am inclined to echo
+    Lord SALISBURY'S regret that Labour has no direct
+    representative in the Upper House. The proletarian peer, if
+    there were one, would have been both surprised and delighted to
+    hear how the non-proletarians, without exception, spoke of his
+    class.</p>
+
+    <p>My imaginary peer would have been especially edified by the
+    speech of Lord MILNER, whom a small but noisy section of the
+    Press persists in describing as more Prussian than the
+    Prussians. Not under-estimating the difficulties in the way of
+    a frank and full understanding between Capital and Labour, he
+    nevertheless believed that they would be overcome, because he
+    had an abiding faith in the mass of his fellow-countrymen. Not
+    quite what one expects of a British Junker, is it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, November 8th.</i>&mdash;When tonnage is so
+    scarce it seems odd that room can still be found for
+    consignments of wild animals. Mr. PETO drew attention to a
+    coming cargo, including two hundred avadavats, the little birds
+    about which <i>Joseph Surface</i> was so contemptuous, and six
+    hundred monkeys&mdash;"sufficient," as he pleasantly observed,
+    "to fill this House."</p>
+
+    <p>For once Mr. BILLING expressed a widely-held opinion when he
+    questioned the propriety, in present circumstances, of holding
+    the LORD MAYOR'S Banquet. Mr. BONAR LAW'S solemn assurance that
+    he only accepted the invitation on the distinct understanding
+    that the feast would fall completely within the FOOD
+    CONTROLLER'S regulations, was not altogether convincing.
+    Members were anxious to know the exact dimensions that Lord
+    RHONDDA has laid down for the turtle-ration.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page337"
+       id="page337"></a>[pg 337]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/337.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/337.png"
+             alt="" /></a><i>Onlooker</i> (<i>at a Company
+             exhibition, to the better man</i>). "HERE, LAAD, NOT
+             SO MOOCH OF IT. WE'M SHORT O' SOJERS IN OUR COOMPANY,
+             DOAN'T THEE FORGET!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>GILBERT.</h2>
+
+    <p>We are all very fond of Gilbert. There are, however, one or
+    two things about him which even his best friends will admit
+    make it hard for us at times to remember how much we really
+    love him. Sometimes he seems almost too good to be true. Yet I
+    have known wet horrible days in the trenches when the sight of
+    him coming smiling down the line, exuding efficiency and
+    enthusiasm at every pore, has made his fellow-officers
+    positively dislike him.</p>
+
+    <p>For, alas, he is one of those dear overzealous fellows whom
+    in moments of depression we stigmatise as "hearty." He has even
+    been known to be hearty at breakfast; to come trampling into
+    the dug-out with that blinking old smile on his face,
+    expressing immense satisfaction with life in general at the top
+    of a peculiarly robust voice; to tread on his captain's toes
+    and slap his next-door neighbour heartily on the back, and then
+    to explain to a swearing and choking audience how splendidly he
+    has slept, and what a topping day it is going to be.</p>
+
+    <p>Never has Gilbert been known to spend a bad night; he is one
+    of those fortunate animals who can go to sleep standing and at
+    five minutes' notice, and start snoring at once. If you try to
+    sleep anywhere near him, you dream of finding yourself in
+    Covent Garden station, trying to board endless trains which
+    roar through without stopping&mdash;that's the kind of snore it
+    is.</p>
+
+    <p>And now it is time I told my story.</p>
+
+    <p>It happened many years ago, when the War was young and the
+    Bosch comparatively aggressive; when our big guns fired once
+    every other Sunday and we lived precarious lives in holes in
+    the ground. Our Brigadier, a conscientious soldier of the old
+    school, was dodging round our line of trenches, and had just
+    reached the sector allotted to my company, which was also
+    Gilbert's, when the distant buzz that generally means an
+    aeroplane overhead made itself distinctly heard.</p>
+
+    <p>"Can you spot him?" said the General to his Brigade-major;
+    "one of theirs, I suppose?"</p>
+
+    <p>Now it is as much as a Brigade-Major's job is worth to
+    confess ignorance at such a crisis. So, after sweeping the
+    skies fruitlessly with his glasses and listening intelligently
+    to the steady drone, he said, "Yes!" with as much conviction as
+    possible.</p>
+
+    <p>"Heads down," said the General sharply, "and don't move.
+    Pass it down." And by way of example he sat heavily on my
+    periscope and stayed gazing at the ground like a fakir lost in
+    meditation.</p>
+
+    <p>Meanwhile the message was passed along, and the trench
+    became silent as the grave. I was informed a few days later
+    that it reached the outer battalion of the next brigade later
+    on in the morning, and was popularly supposed to have reached
+    Switzerland the same evening.</p>
+
+    <p>For about five minutes the droning continued ("Having a good
+    look at us," said the Brigade-major in a sepulchral whisper)
+    and then suddenly ceased with what I can only describe as an
+    appalling snort. Almost simultaneously a tousled head was
+    thrust out of a dug-out almost into the great man's face, and
+    Gilbert's cheerful roar was heard by a scandalised company.</p>
+
+    <p>"Had a topping sleep. What's the time, someone?"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Best milch cows have been sold recently for &pound;60
+        in the Isle of Wight. At a meeting of the Cowes Council it
+        was stated that at Chichester cows had sold for &pound;73
+        each."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>And now that the Isle of Wight milkers have held their
+    indignation meeting it is expected that the anomaly will be
+    removed.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page338"
+       id="page338"></a>[pg 338]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/338.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/338.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>ONE UP!</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>PETER, THE TEMPTER.</h2>
+
+    <p>Necessity does not make stranger bedfellows than some of the
+    changes brought about by War. Who, for example&mdash;and
+    certainly not such a born sun-worshipper as I&mdash;would ever
+    have dreamt that a time would come when we in London and the
+    Eastern counties would desire rain and wind with a passionate
+    keenness once reserved solely for fine weather? Yet so it is.
+    By reason of that foolish invention of flying we now, when we
+    go to the window in the morning and lift the blind, are dashed
+    and darkly thoughtful if no sky of grey scudding misery meets
+    our gaze. "Please Heaven it pours!" we say. Just think of
+    it&mdash;"Please Heaven it pours!" What a treachery! It may
+    even come that we include prayers for storms in the
+    Liturgy.</p>
+
+    <p>In default of bad weather we may have to Take Cover; and it
+    is when we Take Cover that discoveries begin and long-postponed
+    adventures fructify. For years and years, for example, I had
+    looked down that steep hill by the Tivoli site in the Strand
+    into the yawning cavern that opens there, and wondered about
+    it. I had thought one day to explore it, but had never done so,
+    any more than I have yet proceeded further towards a visit to
+    the Roman Bath, also off the Strand, than to threaten it.</p>
+
+    <p>But I shall get to the Bath yet, because already, thanks to
+    the intervention of the Hun, I have become intimately
+    acquainted with Lower Robert Street, and the next step is
+    simple.</p>
+
+    <p>In the ordinary way, short of desperate impulse and
+    decision&mdash;unless by some happy chance I had relinquished
+    the burden of this pen and taken happy service with one of the
+    wine merchants who store their treasure there&mdash;I should
+    never have entered Lower Robert Street at all, for it goes
+    nowhere and runs under the earth, and it is damp and mouldy,
+    and the only doors, leading to this vault and that, are locked.
+    But for all these disabilities Lower Robert Street is, in Gotha
+    and Zeppelin times, a very present help and refuge. There
+    assemble, with more or less fortitude and philosophy, the
+    denizens of the Adelphi, thankful indeed that the brothers Adam
+    established their streets and terrace on so useful a
+    foundation; and there twice recently have I joined them. And an
+    odd assembly we have made, ranging as we do from successful
+    dramatists to needy journalists, with an actress or so to keep
+    us manly.</p>
+
+    <p>There for long hours have we waited until the "All clear"
+    has sounded&mdash;or, at any rate, some have done so. As for
+    myself, on the last occasion, taking advantage of a lull in the
+    uproar, I crept away to bed, and, after falling into the sleep
+    of exhaustion, had the ironical experience of being rudely
+    awakened by the reassuring bugles and my night again
+    ruined.</p>
+
+    <p>Having taken cover only in Lower Robert Street, which is
+    open to all, I cannot with any personal knowledge speak of the
+    camaraderie of private basements; but I suppose that that
+    exists and is another of the War's byproducts. I take it that,
+    in the event of a sudden alarm, no householder with a cellar
+    would be so inhuman as to refuse admittance to a stranger, and
+    already probably a myriad new friendships and not a few
+    engagements have resulted. Our own camaraderie is admirable.
+    The federation of the barrage breaks down every obstacle; while
+    a piece of shrapnel that one can display is more valuable than
+    any letter of introduction, no matter who wrote it. Hence we
+    all talk; and sometimes we sing too&mdash;choruses of the
+    moment, for the most part, in one of which the depth of our
+    affection for our maternal relative is measured and regulated
+    by the floridity of the roses growing on her porch.</p>
+
+    <p>And yet, when at last friendliness is
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page339"
+       id="page339"></a>[pg 339]</span> upon the town, there are
+       people&mdash;and not only alien Hebrews either&mdash;who
+       have been hurrying away from London! When London has become
+       more interesting than ever before in its history there are
+       people who leave it!</p>
+
+    <p>Personally I mean to cling to the old city as long as it
+    will cling to me; but even now across one's aching sight comes
+    a "dream of pastime premature" which shakes such resolves a
+    little. Peter, for example, has been having a disturbing effect
+    on me. Only now and then, of course&mdash;when I am not quite
+    myself; when the two and thirty (what remains of them) are not
+    so firmly gritted as they should be; when even London seems
+    unworthy of devotion.</p>
+
+    <p>But these moods pass. You will admit, though, that Peter has
+    his lure. I read about him in the <i>Tavistock Gazette</i>, one
+    of the few papers, I fancy, which does not belong to Lord
+    NORTHCLIFFE; and this is how the lyric (it is really a lyric,
+    although it masquerades as an advertisement) runs, not only in
+    the paper but in my head: "To be let, by Tender" (this is not
+    an oath but some odd legal or commercial term) "as and from
+    Lady Day all that nice little PASTURE FARM known as HIGHER
+    CHURCH FARM, situate in the village of Peter Tavy." Now what
+    could be more unlike London under the German invasion and all
+    that nasty little tunnel known as Lower Robert Street, than
+    Peter Tavy?</p>
+
+    <p>But I must not be tempted. I must stick it out here.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LITERARY GOSSIP &Agrave; LA MODE.</h2>
+
+    <p>The mystification practised by authors who have passed off
+    as their own work the compositions of others is familiar to all
+    literary students. SHAKSPEARE'S assumption of borrowed plumes
+    is of course the classic example. But another and more subtle
+    problem is the interchange of functions between two men of
+    letters; and the theory recently advanced by the distinguished
+    critic and occultist, Mr. Pullar Leggatt, deserves at least a
+    respectful hearing.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Briefly stated, it is that during his hermit existence at
+    Putney the late Mr. SWINBURNE effected an interchange of this
+    sort with Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; the Editor of <i>The British
+    Weekly</i> devoting himself to the composition of poems, while
+    the poet assumed editorial control of the famous newspaper. If
+    the theory thus crudely stated sounds somewhat fantastic the
+    arguments on which it is based are extraordinarily plausible if
+    not convincing.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>To begin with, experts in anagrams will not fail to notice
+    that the names ALGERNON SWINBURNE and W. ROBERTSON NICOLL
+    contain practically the same number of letters&mdash;absolutely
+    the same if SWINBURNE is spelt without an "e"&mdash;and that
+    the forenames of both end in "-on," as does also the concluding
+    syllable of WATTS-DUNTON. The fact that the Editor of <i>The
+    British Weekly</i> has never published any poems over his own
+    name only tends to confirm the theory, as the argument
+    conclusively establishes.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>For it is impossible to believe that so versatile a polymath
+    should not at some time or other have courted the Muse, and if
+    so, under what name could he have had a stronger motive for
+    publishing his poems than that of SWINBURNE? So austere a
+    theologian would naturally shrink from revealing his excursions
+    into the realms of poesy, and under this disguise he was safe
+    from detection. Lastly, while Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL has
+    always championed the Kailyard School, SWINBURNE lived at The
+    Pines. The connection is obvious; as thus: Kail, sea-kale,
+    sea-coal, coke, coker-nut, walnut, dessert, pine-apple,
+    pine.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>As regards SWINBURNE'S conduct of <i>The British Weekly</i>,
+    it is enough to point to such alliterative and melodious
+    combinations as "Rambling Remarks" and "Claudius Clear." The
+    theological attitude of the paper presents difficulties which
+    are not so easy to overcome, but Mr. Pullar Leggatt has
+    promised to deal with this question later on. Meanwhile the
+    diplomatic silence maintained by Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL and
+    Mr. EDMUND GOSSE must not be interpreted as conveying either a
+    complete acceptance or a total rejection of this remarkable
+    theory.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/339.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/339.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Wounded Tommy</i>. "WILL YOU PLAY MENDELSSOHN'S
+        'SPRING SONG,' PLEASE?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Distinguished Pianist</i> (<i>with a soul above
+        Mendelssohn</i>). "I'M AFRAID I CAN'T."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Tommy</i>. "IT IS A BIT OF A TEASER, AIN'T IT? TIES
+        MY SISTER UP IN A KNOT WHENEVER SHE TACKLES IT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The New Crummles.</h3>
+
+    <p>HERTLING "is not Prussian."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page340"
+       id="page340"></a>[pg 340]</span>
+
+    <h2>MY PYJAMAS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>A STUDY IN THE FASTIDIOUS.</h3>
+
+    <p>I hope this is not going to be embarrassing. If so, it is
+    not my fault. This is history, please remember, not fiction. I
+    wanted&mdash;I am obliged to say it&mdash;pyjamas for winter
+    wear. I know all about pyjamas for summer wear; what I wanted
+    was pyjamas for winter wear, and I decided that Agnes should
+    make them. For years I have been trying to get proper
+    pyjamas&mdash;by which I mean pyjamas properly made&mdash;but
+    the haberdasher always smiles depreciation and tells me that
+    the goods he offers me are what are always worn. Quite so; but
+    what I say is that out of bed and for the purpose of having
+    your photograph taken Trade pyjamas are all right; but that in
+    bed they commit untold offences. I enter my bed clothed; I
+    settle down in it half-naked. The jacket has run up to my
+    arm-pits; my legs are bare to the knee; my arms to the elbows;
+    the loosely buttoned front is ruckled up into a funnel, down
+    which, whenever I move, the bedclothes like a bellows draw a
+    chill blast of air on to that particular part of my chest which
+    is designed for catching colds. When I turn over in my dreams I
+    wake to find myself tied as with ropes. Slumber's chains have
+    indeed bound me. I am a man in the clothing of a nightmare. The
+    cold, cold sheets catch me in the most ticklesome delicacies of
+    my back and make me jump again. Enough.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," said Agnes, "if I am going to make your pyjamas you
+    must tell me exactly what you want."</p>
+
+    <p>"My pyjamas," I said, "shall be buttoned round the ankle and
+    capacious below the waist&mdash;there I ask a Turkish touch.
+    The jacket shall be buttoned at the wrists and baggy at the
+    shoulder; at the chest it shall strap me across like an R.F.C.
+    tunic, and it shall be securely clipped to the trousers."</p>
+
+    <p>"Why not have it all in one?"</p>
+
+    <p>"What!" I cried, "and parade hotel passages in search of the
+    bath looking like a clown out of a circus? No, thank you."</p>
+
+    <p>"You must make me a pattern then," said Agnes, "or I shan't
+    know what to do."</p>
+
+    <p>I can't make patterns, but I can, and I did, make plans of
+    ground and first-floor levels, a section and back and front
+    elevations, all to a scale of one inch to the foot exactly. I
+    also made a full-size detail of a toggle-and-cinch gear linking
+    the upper storey to the lower.</p>
+
+    <p>"I think," Agnes said, "you had better come to the shop and
+    choose the material."</p>
+
+    <p>I thought so too. I wanted something gaudy that would make
+    me feel cheerful when I woke in the morning; but I also had
+    another idea in my mind. <i>Mangle-proof buttons</i>! Have the
+    things been invented yet?</p>
+
+    <p>The archbishop who attended to us deprecated the idea of
+    india-rubber buttons.</p>
+
+    <p>"What kind are you now using?" he asked solicitously.</p>
+
+    <p>"At present, on No. 2," I said, "I am using splinters of
+    mother-of-pearl. Last week, with No. 1, I used a steel ring
+    hanging by its rim to a shred of linen, two safeties, and a
+    hairpin found on the floor."</p>
+
+    <p>I chose a flannel with broad green and violet stripes, and
+    very large buttons of vitrified brick which I hoped might break
+    the mangle. These buttons were emerald in colour and gave me a
+    new idea. <i>Trimmings</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>"I want to look right if the house catches fire," I told
+    Agnes. "Green sateen collar to match the buttons&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"And for the wristbands," said Agnes, catching my
+    enthusiasm.</p>
+
+    <p>"And for the wristbands," I agreed; "but," I added, "not at
+    the ankles. That would make the other people in the street
+    expect me to dance to them, and I don't know how to."</p>
+
+    <p>And now the good work is complete. Toggle and cinch perform
+    their proud functions, and I sleep undisturbed by Arctic
+    nightmares, for I have substituted green ties for the stoneware
+    buttons which reduced my vitality by absorbing heat. My only
+    trouble is my increasing reluctance to rise in the morning. I
+    don't like changing out of my beautiful things so early in the
+    day. I am beginning to want breakfast in bed.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>AT THE DUMP.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Lines to the N.C.O. in charge.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now is the hour of dusk and mist and midges,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now the tired planes drone homeward
+            through the haze,</p>
+
+            <p>And distant wood-fires wink behind the ridges,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the first flare some timorous Hun
+            betrays;</p>
+
+            <p>Now no shell circulates, but all men brood</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Over their evening food;</p>
+
+            <p>The bats flit warily and owl and rat</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With muffled cries their shadowy loves
+            pursue,</p>
+
+            <p>And pleasant, Corporal, it is to chat</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In this hushed moment with a man like
+            you.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>How strange a spectacle of human passions</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is yours all day beside the Arras
+            road,</p>
+
+            <p>What mournful men concerned about their rations</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When here at eve the limbers leave their
+            load,</p>
+
+            <p>What twilight blasphemy, what horses' feet</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Entangled with the meat,</p>
+
+            <p>What sudden hush when that machine-gun sweeps,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And&mdash;flat as possible for men so
+            round&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The Quartermasters may be seen in heaps,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">While you sit still and chuckle, I'll be
+            bound!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Here all men halt awhile and tell their rumours;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Here the young runners come to cull your
+            tales,</p>
+
+            <p>How Generals talked with you, in splendid
+            humours,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And how the Worcestershires have gone to
+            Wales;</p>
+
+            <p>Up yonder trench each lineward regiment swings,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Saying some shocking things;</p>
+
+            <p>And here at dark sad diggers stand in hordes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Waiting the late elusive Engineer,</p>
+
+            <p>While glowing pipes illume yon notice-boards,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That say, "No LIGHTS. YOU MUST NOT LOITER
+            HERE."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And you sit ruminant and take no action,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But daylong watch the aeroplanes at
+            play,</p>
+
+            <p>Or contemplate with secret satisfaction</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your fellow-men proceeding towards the
+            fray;</p>
+
+            <p>Your sole solicitude when men report</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">There is a shovel short,</p>
+
+            <p>Or, numbering jealously your rusty store,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Some mouldering rocket, some wet bomb you
+            miss</p>
+
+            <p>That was reserved for some ensuing war,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But on no grounds to be employed in
+            this.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For Colonels flatter you, most firm of warders,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For sandbags suppliant, and do no
+            good,</p>
+
+            <p>And high Staff officers and priests in orders</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In vain beleaguer you for bits of
+            wood,</p>
+
+            <p>While I, who have nor signature nor chit,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">But badly want a bit,</p>
+
+            <p>I only talk to you of these high themes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor stoop to join the sycophantic
+            choir,</p>
+
+            <p>Seeing (I trust) my wicked batman, Jeames,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Has meanwhile pinched enough to light my
+            fire.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A.P.H.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page341"
+       id="page341"></a>[pg 341]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/341.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/341.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>looking out of train on to darkened
+        platform</i>). "PORTER, IS THIS EDGWARE ROAD? I CAN'T SEE A
+        THING."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Porter</i> (<i>with Irish blood in her</i>). "NOT
+        YET, M'M. EDGWARE ROAD'S THE STATION BEFORE YOU GETS TO
+        BAKER STHEET."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>"In a few days," says the puff preliminary of <i>The
+    Coming</i> (CHATTO AND WINDUS), "you and all your friends will
+    be reading and discussing this most strange and prophetic
+    novel." Perhaps. But what we shall be saying about it depends
+    largely, I suppose, upon our definition of the term prophetic;
+    also a little upon our feeling with regard to good taste and
+    the permissible in fiction. My own contribution will be a
+    sincere regret that a writer as gifted as Mr. J.C. SNAITH
+    should have attempted the obviously impossible. His theme,
+    symbolised by a wrapper-design of three figures silhouetted
+    against a golden sunrise, is a second advent of the Messiah,
+    embodied in the person of a village carpenter named (with
+    palpable significance) <i>John Smith</i>, whom local prejudice
+    sends, not inexcusably, to a madhouse, where he dies, after
+    converting the inmates and instituting a campaign of universal
+    peace. Frankly, the chief interest of such a wildly fantastic
+    idea lies in watching just how far Mr. SNAITH can carry it
+    without too flagrant offence. That his treatment is both
+    sincere and careful hardly lessens my feeling that the whole
+    attempt is one to be deplored. Humour of the intentional kind
+    has, of course, no place in the author's scheme. How remote is
+    its banishment you may judge when I tell you that the Divine
+    message is represented as given to mankind in the form of a
+    wonderful play, which instantly achieves world-wide fame, being
+    performed by no fewer than fifty companies in America alone.
+    The problem (to name but one) of the resulting struggle between
+    plenary inspiration and the conditions of a fit-up tour is only
+    another proof of my contention that there are more things in
+    heaven and earth than can be treated in realistic fiction, and
+    that Mr. SNAITH'S good intentions have unfortunately betrayed
+    him into selecting the least possible.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>If <i>Humphrey Thorncot</i> and his sister <i>Edith</i> had
+    not bored one another and grown touchy&mdash;I judge by their
+    reported conversations&mdash;in a house with green shutters in
+    Chelsea, they would never have gone to St. Elizabeth, which is
+    a Swiss resort, and would never have met the East-Prussian
+    family of the <i>von Ludwigs</i> in the year before the War.
+    And <i>Humphrey</i> would never have fallen (temporarily) in
+    love with <i>Hulda von Ludwig</i>, nor would <i>Karl von
+    Ludwig</i> have fallen (permanently) in love with <i>Edith
+    Thorncot</i>. The troubles and miseries of this latter couple
+    are related by Mr. HUGH SPENDER in <i>The Gulf</i> (COLLINS).
+    Papa <i>von Ludwig</i> objects so violently to all this
+    love-making that he eventually succumbs to a regular
+    East-Prussian stroke of apoplexy which all but leads to a
+    charge of parricide against <i>Karl</i> by his base brother,
+    <i>Wilhelm</i>. <i>Karl</i> is really too good for this world.
+    He objects to atrocities and refuses at the risk of his own
+    life to shoot innocent Belgian villagers. Being imprisoned, he
+    escapes by means of a secret sliding panel and an underground
+    passage which leads him, not immediately, but after many
+    vicissitudes, to America. There he is joined by his faithful
+    <i>Edith</i>, who defies the Gulf caused by the War, and
+    marries him. Mr. SPENDER appears to have been in some doubt as
+    to whether he should write the story of two
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page342"
+       id="page342"></a>[pg 342]</span> souls or the history of the
+       first few weeks of the War. Eventually he elects to do both,
+       and his novel consequently suffers somewhat in grip. He
+       certainly paints a very vivid picture of events in the first
+       period of active operations. May I hint a doubt, by the way,
+       whether in 1913 a French Professor would have mentioned
+       HINDENBURG as one of Germany's most important men? Whatever
+       he may have been in Germany, HINDENBURG was for the outside
+       world a later discovery.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>Further Memories</i> (HUTCHINSON) is justly called by its
+    publishers a "fascinating volume." The designation will not
+    surprise those who enjoyed the late Lord REDESDALE'S former
+    book of recollections. The present collection is a little
+    haphazard (but none the worse for that), its chapters ranging
+    over such diverse subjects as Gardens and Trees, QUEEN
+    VICTORIA, BUDDHA, and the Commune. Certainly not the least
+    interesting is that devoted to the story of the Wallace
+    Collection, of which Lord REDESDALE was one of the trustees.
+    His account of the origin and devolution of the famous
+    treasures will invest them with a new interest in the happy
+    days when they shall again be visible. Mr. EDMUND GOSSE
+    contributes a foreword to the present volume, in which he draws
+    a pathetic picture of the author, still unconquerably young,
+    despite his years, facing the future with only one fear, that
+    of the unemployment to which his increasing deafness, and the
+    break-up of the world as it was before the War, seemed to be
+    condemning him. <i>Further Memories</i> was, we are told,
+    undertaken as some sort of a safeguard against this menace of
+    stagnation. It was a measure for which we may all be glad, as
+    we can share Mr. GOSSE'S thanksgiving that the writer's death,
+    coming when it did, saved him, as he had wished, "from all
+    consciousness of decrepitude."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>When an unstable young wife, getting tired of a pedantic
+    husband in the way so familiar to students of novels, goes off
+    with a companion more to her taste, anyone can foresee trouble,
+    or what would there be to write about? When, further, her
+    detestable lover, seeking change and fearing the financial lash
+    of his properly indignant parent, terminates the arrangement,
+    even an observer of real life can guess that her return to her
+    rightful lord and master must entail disagreeables; but only a
+    reader well brazened in modern fiction could expect Don Juan
+    promptly to make love to and marry the husband's sister without
+    a word of apology to anyone. This kind of rather unsavoury
+    dabbling in problems best left to themselves generally
+    concludes with the decease of most of the characters and a sort
+    of clearing up, and to this rule, after many years and pages of
+    discomfort, MARY E. MANN'S new story, <i>The Victim</i> (HODDER
+    AND STOUGHTON), is no exception. Not a very attractive
+    programme, but all the same the volume has one or two redeeming
+    features. For one thing, the sister is clearly and attractively
+    drawn, and so is the picture on the wrapper, though it
+    represents no particular incident to be traced in the pages of
+    the volume which it adorns. Writing more strongly than is
+    perhaps her wont, Mrs. MANN has taken some trouble to emphasise
+    the fact that in these cases of uncontrolled passion the major
+    penalty of guilt is borne not by the offenders themselves but
+    by the first generation succeeding. This does need saying
+    occasionally, I suppose, and to that extent <i>The Victim</i>
+    redeems itself from the charge of trivial unpleasantness.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mr. J. RATH has really discovered a new type of heroine, new
+    at least this side the Atlantic. His farm-bred <i>Sadie</i>, a
+    Buffalo shirt-packer, classifies men by the sizes of their
+    shirts, has no use for any swain with a chest measurement under
+    forty, and eventually in a most original way finds her hero in
+    <i>Mister 44</i> (METHUEN), an enormous Canadian engineer and
+    sportsman. She is no chicken herself and has a passion to be
+    free of the city and out in the great open. <i>Sadie</i> is
+    more than big; she is beautiful, burnished-copper-haired,
+    sincere and kind, and, though I think the author "gets this
+    over" quite well I liked her best before she found her man and
+    her <i>Robinson Crusoe</i> adventures among the islands of
+    Ontario, and was giving back chat to the little foreman in the
+    factory. Here she is a pure delight; and in these days, when a
+    knowledge of the American language may come in handy at any
+    moment, this amiable romance may well be recommended as an
+    attractive manual of first-aid in the matter.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Without professing to be a student of Mrs. DIVER'S books I
+    know enough about them to be worried by the commonplaceness of
+    <i>Unconquered</i> (MURRAY). Like so many other authors she has
+    succumbed to the lure of the War-novel. There may be a public
+    for tales of this kind, but I have not yet read one that
+    approaches artistic success. Here we are spared nothing. <i>Sir
+    Mark Forsyth</i> goes to France in the early days, is first of
+    all reported "missing, believed killed," and then officially
+    reported "killed." Of course he turns up again, but such a
+    physical wreck that the minx whom he was to have married breaks
+    off the engagement. Naturally the sweet girl, friend of
+    <i>Mark's</i> childhood, undertakes to fill the gap. The minx,
+    <i>Bel Alison</i>, is so scathingly drawn that from sheer
+    perversity I found myself hunting for one good point in her
+    character; but without a find. On the other hand, <i>Lady
+    Forsyth</i>, <i>Mark's</i> mother, and a quiet, capable man
+    called <i>Macnair</i>, are admirably put before us. Yet at best
+    there remains the conviction that the War is terribly real that
+    these attempts to romance about it are almost bound to be as
+    superficial as they are superfluous.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/342.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/342.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>DURING THE RAID.</h3><i>Disappointed Player</i>. "HARD
+        LINES! I HAD AN EASY FIVE SHOT THAT WOULD HAVE RUN ME OUT."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Lost, between Ryde Pier and Southsea, Black Satin Bag,
+        containing keys and eyeglasses. Reward
+        given."&mdash;<i>Portsmouth Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>A chance for the local mine-sweepers.</p>
+    <br />
+    <br />
+    <hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, NOV. 14, 1917***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 11428-h.txt or 11428-h.zip *******</p>
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+</pre>
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1990 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Nov. 14, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 14, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 3, 2004  [eBook #11428]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 153, NOV. 14, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11428-h.htm or 11428-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h/11428-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+NOVEMBER 14, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+People are asking, "Can there be a hidden brain in the Foreign
+Office?"
+
+       ***
+
+A German posing as a Swiss, and stated by the police to be "a spy
+and a dangerous character," has been sentenced to six months'
+imprisonment. The matter will be further investigated pending
+his escape.
+
+       ***
+
+Three men were charged at Old Street last week with attempting the
+"pot of tea" trick. The trick apparently consists in finding a man
+with a pot of tea and giving him a sovereign to go round the corner
+and buy a ham sandwich, the thief meanwhile offering to hold the pot
+of tea. When the owner returns the tea has, of course, vanished.
+
+       ***
+
+The increased consumption of bread, says Sir ARTHUR YAPP, is due to
+the 9d. loaf. It would just serve us right if bread cost 2s. 6d. a
+pound and there wasn't any, like everything else.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is all a matter of taste," says a correspondent of _The Daily
+Mail_, "but I think parsnips are now at their best." They may be
+looking their best, but the taste remains the same.
+
+       ***
+
+Seventy tons of blackberries for the soldiers have been gathered by
+school-children in Buckinghamshire. Arrangements have been made for
+converting this fruit into plum-and-apple jam.
+
+       ***
+
+"Home Ruler" was the occupation given by a Chertsey woman on her
+sugar-card application. The FOOD CONTROLLER states that although this
+form of intimidation may work with the Government it has no terrors
+for him.
+
+       ***
+
+The Russian Minister of Finance anticipates getting a revenue of forty
+million pounds from a monopoly of tea. It is thought that he must have
+once been a grocer.
+
+       ***
+
+The Law Courts are to be made available as an air-raid shelter by day
+and night, and some of our revue proprietors are already complaining
+of unfair competition.
+
+       ***
+
+Two survivors of the battle of Inkerman have been discovered at
+Brighton. Their inactivity in the present crisis is most unfavourably
+commented on by many of the week-end visitors.
+
+       ***
+
+A dolphin nearly eight feet in length has been landed by a boy who was
+fishing at Southwold. Its last words were that it hoped the public
+would understand that it had only heard of the food shortage that
+morning.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain OTTO SVERDRUP, the Arctic explorer, has returned his German
+decorations. Upon hearing this the KAISER at once gave orders for the
+North Pole to be folded up and put away.
+
+       ***
+
+A certain number of cold storage eggs at sixpence each are being
+released in Berlin and buyers are urged to "fetch them promptly."
+In this connection several Iron Crosses have already been awarded
+for acts of distinguished bravery by civilians.
+
+       ***
+
+One of the new toys for Christmas is a cat which will swim about in a
+bath. If only the household cat could learn to swim it might be the
+means of saving several of its lives.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent would like to know whether the naval surgeon who
+recently described in _The Lancet_ how he raised "hypnotic blisters"
+by suggestion received his tuition from one of our University
+riverside coaches.
+
+       ***
+
+We are asked to deny the rumour that Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, who last
+week cracked a joke which was not understood by some American
+soldiers, has decided to do it all over again.
+
+       ***
+
+The power of music! An enterprising firm of manufacturers offers
+pensions to women who become widows after the purchase of a piano
+on the instalment plan.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that a Member of Parliament will shortly ask for a day
+to be set aside to inquire into the conduct of Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, who
+is reported to have recently shown marked pro-British tendencies.
+
+       ***
+
+In view of the attitude taken up by _The Daily Express_ against Sir
+ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we understand that
+the celebrated author, who has long contemplated the final death of
+_Sherlock Holmes_, has arranged that the famous detective shall one
+day be found dead with a copy of _The Daily Express_ in his hand.
+
+       ***
+
+A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public
+eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of the
+growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of chaining them
+to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as safe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR. [Sign before church with
+bomb-damaged steeple:] THE REV SULVANUS JONES WILL PREACH NEXT SUNDAY
+MORNING ON WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CHURCH?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INDIA MOVES.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The following is taken from a letter from the
+Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers Commanding
+Divisions and Independent Brigades:--
+
+    "I am directed to point out that at present there appears to
+    be considerable diversity of opinion regarding the number of
+    buttons, and the method of placing the same on mattresses in
+    use in hospitals.
+
+    "I am therefore to request that in future all hospital mattresses
+    should be made up with fifty-three buttons placed in fifteen rows
+    of four and three alternately."
+
+This should convince your readers that even India has at last grasped
+the idea of the War and is getting a move on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless and
+    successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's knee,
+    which he fractured six years ago."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+If the case is correctly reported--which we doubt--it was very
+confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN.
+
+  Beersheba gone, and Gaza too!
+    And lo! the British lion,
+  After a pause to comb his mane,
+  Is grimly padding off again,
+    Tail up, _en route_ for Zion.
+
+  Yes, things are looking rather blue,
+    Just as in Mesopotamy;
+  My life-blood trickles in the sand;
+  My veins run dry; I cannot stand
+    Much more of this phlebotomy.
+
+  In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry,
+    Sick as a mule with glanders;
+  Too busy--selfish swine--is he
+  With winning ground in Italy
+    And losing it in Flanders.
+
+  His missives urge me not to fly
+    But use the utmost fury
+  To hold these Christian dogs at bay
+  And for his sake to block the way
+    To his beloved Jewry.
+
+  "My feet," he wired, "have trod those scenes;
+    Within the walls of Salem
+  My sacred presence deigned to dwell,
+  And I should hate these hounds of hell
+    To be allowed to scale 'em.
+
+  "So do your best to give them beans
+    (You have some ammunition?),
+  And at a less congested date
+  I will arrive and consecrate
+    Another German mission."
+
+  That's how he wires, alternate days,
+    But sends no troops to trammel
+  The foe that follows as I bump
+  Across Judaea on the hump
+    Of my indifferent camel.
+
+  Well, I have tried all means and ways,
+    But seldom fail to foozle 'em;
+  And now if WILLIAM makes no sign
+  (This is his funeral more than mine)
+    The giaours can have Jerusalem.
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUGAR FIEND.
+
+"I will have a cup of tea," I said to the waitress, "China if
+possible; and please don't forget the sugar."
+
+"Yes, and what will you eat with I it?" she asked.
+
+"What you please," I replied; "it is all horrible."
+
+I do not take kindly to war-time teas. My idea of a tea is several
+cups of the best China, with three large lumps of sugar in each, and
+half-a-dozen fancy-cakes with icing sugar all over them and cream in
+the middle, and just a few cucumber sandwiches for the finish. (This
+does sound humorous, no doubt, but I seek no credit for it. Humour
+used to depend upon a sense of proportion. It now depends upon memory.
+The funniest man in England at the present moment is the man who has
+the most accurate memory for the things he was doing in the early
+summer of 1914).
+
+The loss of the cakes I could bear stoically enough if they would
+leave my tea alone, or rather if they would allow me a reasonable
+amount of sugar for it. However, we are an adaptable people and there
+are ways in which even the sugar paper-dish menace can be met. My own
+plan, here offered freely to all my fellow-sufferers, provides an
+admirable epitome of War and Peace. The sugar allowance being about
+half what it ought to be, I take half of the cup unsweetened, thus
+tasting the bitterness of war, and then I put in the sugar and bask
+in the sunshine of peace.
+
+On this particular occasion peace was on the point of being declared
+when I found my attention irresistibly compelled by the man sitting
+opposite to me, the only other occupant of my table. At first I
+thought of asking him not to stare at me so rudely, and then I found
+that he was not looking at me but over my shoulder at some object at
+the end of the room. I can resist the appeal of three hundred people
+gazing into the sky at the same moment, but the intense concentration
+of this man was too much for me. I turned round. Seeing nothing
+unusual I turned back again, but it was too late. My sugar had
+gone! No trace of it anywhere, except in the bubbles that winked
+suspiciously on the surface of the miscreant's tea.
+
+His face did not belong to any of the known criminal types. It was a
+pale, dreamy, garden-suburb sort of face--a face you couldn't possibly
+give in charge, except, perhaps, under the Military Service Acts.
+
+"Do you know," I said to him, "that you have just committed one of the
+most terrible offences open to civilised mankind--a crime even worse
+(Heaven help me if I exaggerate) than trampling on an allotment?"
+
+"Oh, I'm sorry!" he replied, waking from his dream. "Did you want that
+sugar? You know, you seemed to be getting on very well without it."
+
+As I could not believe him to be beyond the reach of pity, I explained
+my method to him, describing as harrowingly as I could the joy of
+those first few moments after the declaration of peace. I suggested to
+him that he might sometimes find it useful himself, if ever he should
+be compelled to sit at an unoccupied table. ("_Touche_," he murmured,
+raising his hat). "And now," I concluded, "as I have told you my
+system, perhaps you will tell me yours--not for imitation, but for
+avoidance."
+
+"There is very little to tell," he replied sorrowfully, "but it is
+tragic enough. All my life I have been fond of sugar. Before the war
+I took always nine lumps to a cup of tea. (It was my turn to raise
+my hat.) By a severe course of self-repression I have reduced it to
+seven, but I cannot get below that. I have given up the attempt. There
+are a hundred cures for the drink habit; there is not one for the
+sugar habit. As I cannot repress the desire, I have had to put all my
+energy into getting hold of sugar. I noticed some time ago that at
+these restaurants they give the sugar allowance to all customers who
+ask for tea or coffee, although perhaps twenty per cent. of them do
+not take sugar at all. It is these people who supply me with the extra
+sugar I need. In your case it was an honest mistake. I always wait to
+see if people are proposing to use their sugar before I appropriate
+it."
+
+"But if you only take from the willing," I inquired, "why do you not
+ask their permission?"
+
+"I suppose I have given you the right to ask me that question," he
+replied with much dignity, "but it is painful to me to have to answer
+it. I have not yet sunk so low that I have to beg people for their
+cast-off sugar. I may come to it in the end, perhaps. At present the
+'earnest gaze' trick is generally sufficient, or, where it fails, a
+kick on the shin. But I hate cruelty."
+
+"Physical cruelty," I suggested.
+
+"No, any kind of cruelty. I have said that in your case I made a
+mistake. If I could repair it I would."
+
+"Well," I said, "here's something you can do towards it, although it's
+little enough." And I handed him the ticket the waitress had written
+out for me. "And now I'll go and get a cup of tea somewhere."
+
+"One moment," he said, as I rose to go. "We may meet again."
+
+"Never!" I said firmly.
+
+"Ah, but we may, I have a number of disguises. Let me suggest
+something that will make another mistake of this kind impossible."
+
+"I am not going to give up my plan," I said.
+
+"No, don't," he answered; "but _why not drink the sugared half
+first?_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from an official letter received "Somewhere in France":--
+
+    "It must be clearly understood that the numbers shown under the
+    heading, 'Awaiting Leave' will be the number of all ranks who have
+    not had leave to the United Kingdom since last arrival in this
+    country, whether such arrival was their last return from Leave,
+    or their last arrival in France."
+
+And the Authorities are still wondering why the "Awaiting Leave" list
+tallied so exactly with the daily strength.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A GREAT INCENTIVE. MEHMED (_reading despatch from the
+All-Highest_). "'DEFEND JERUSALEM AT ALL COSTS FOR MY SAKE. I WAS ONCE
+THERE MYSELF.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+The ammunition columns on either flank provide us with plenty of
+amusement. They seem to live by stealing each other's mules. My
+line-guards tell me that stealthy figures leading shadowy donkeys are
+crossing to and fro all night long through my lines. The respective
+C.O.'s, an Australian and an Irishman, drop in on us from time to time
+and warn us against each other. I remain strictly neutral, and so far
+they have respected my neutrality. I have taken steps toward this end
+by surrounding my horses with barbed wire and spring guns, tying bells
+on them and doubling the guard.
+
+Monk, the Australian, dropped in on us two or three days ago. "That
+darn Sinn Feiner is the limit," said he; "lifted my best moke off me
+last night while I was up at the batteries. He'd pinch BALAAM'S ass."
+We murmured condolences, but Monk waived them aside. "Oh, it's quite
+all right. I wasn't born yesterday, or the day before for that matter.
+I'll make that merry Fenian weep tears of blood before I've finished.
+Just you watch."
+
+O'Dwyer, the merry Fenian, called next day.
+
+"Give us a dhrink, brother-officers," said he, "I'm wake wid
+laughter."
+
+We asked what had happened.
+
+"Ye know that herrin'-gutted bush-ranger over yonder? He'd stale the
+milk out of your tea, he would, be the same token. Well, last night he
+got vicious and took a crack at my lines. I had rayson to suspect he'd
+be afther tryin' somethin' on, so I laid for him. I planted a certain
+mule where he _could_ stale it an' guarded the rest four deep. Begob,
+will ye believe me, but he fell into the thrap head-first--the poor
+simple divil."
+
+"But he got your mule," said Albert Edward, perplexed.
+
+"Shure an' he did, you bet he did--he got old Lyddite."
+
+Albert Edward and I were still puzzled.
+
+"Very high explosive--hence name," O'Dwyer explained.
+
+"Dear hearrts," he went on, "he's got my stunt mule, my family
+assassin! That long-ear has twenty-three casualties to his credit,
+including a Brigadier. I have to twitch him to harness him, side-line
+him to groom him, throw him to clip him, and dhrug him to get him
+shod. Perceive the jest now? Esteemed comrade Monk is afther pinchin'
+an infallable packet o' sudden death, an' he don't know it--yet."
+
+"What's the next move?" I inquired.
+
+"I'm going to lave him there. Mind you I don't want to lose the old
+moke altogether, because, to tell the truth, I'm a biteen fond of him
+now that I know his thricks, but I figure Mr. Monk will be a severely
+cured character inside a week, an' return the beastie himself with
+tears an' apologies on vellum so long."
+
+I met O'Dwyer again two days later on the mud track. He reined up his
+cob and begged a cigarette.
+
+"Been havin' the fun o' the worrld down at the dressin'-station
+watchin' Monk's casualties rollin' in," said he. "Terrible spectacle,
+'nough to make a sthrong man weep. Mutual friend Monk lookin' 'bout as
+genial as a wet hen. This is goin' to be a wondherful lesson to him.
+See you later." He nudged his plump cob and ambled off, whistling
+merrily.
+
+But it was Monk we saw later. He wormed his long corpse into "_Mon
+Repos_" and sat on Albert Edward's bed laughing like a tickled hyena.
+"Funniest thing on earth," he spluttered. "A mule strayed into my
+lines t'other night and refused to leave. It was a rotten beast, a
+holy terror; it could kick a fly off its ears and bite a man in half.
+I don't mind admitting it played battledore and what's-'is-name with
+my organisation for a day or two, but out of respect for O'Dwyer,
+blackguard though he is, I ..."
+
+"Oh, so it was O'Dwyer's mule?" Albert Edward cut in innocently.
+
+Monk nodded hastily. "Yes, so it turned out. Well, out of respect
+for O'Dwyer I looked after it as far as it would allow me, naturally
+expecting he'd come over and claim it--but he didn't. On the fourth
+day, after it had made a light breakfast off a bombardier's ear and
+kicked a gap in a farrier, I got absolutely fed up, turned the damn
+cannibal loose and gave it a cut with a whip for godspeed. It made
+off due east, cavorting and snorting until it reached the tank-track;
+there it stopped and picked a bit of grass. Presently along comes a
+tank, proceeding to the fray, and gives the mule a poke in the rear.
+The mule lashes out, catching the tank in the chest, and then goes on
+with his grazing without looking round, leaving the tank for dead, as
+by all human standards it should have been, of course. But instead of
+being dead the box of tricks ups and gives the donk another butt and
+moves on. That roused the mule properly. He closed his eyes and laid
+into the tank for dear life; you could hear it clanging a mile away.
+
+"After delivering two dozen of the best, the moke turned round to
+sniff the cold corpse, but the corpse was still warm and smiling. Then
+the mule went mad and set about the tank in earnest. He jabbed it in
+the eye, upper-cut it on the point, hooked it behind the ear, banged
+its slats, planted his left on the mark and his right on the solar
+plexus, but still the tank sat up and took nourishment.
+
+"Then the donkey let a roar out of him and closed with it; tried
+the half-Nelson, the back heel, the scissors, the roll, and the
+flying-mare; tried Westmoreland and Cumberland style, collar and
+elbow, Cornish, Graeco-Roman, scratch-as-scratch-can and Ju-jitsu.
+Nothing doing. Then as a last despairing effort he tried to charge
+it over on its back and rip the hide off it with his teeth.
+
+"But the old tank gave a 'good-by ee' cough of its exhaust and rumbled
+off as if nothing had happened, nothing at all. I have never seen
+such a look of surprise on any living creature's face as was on that
+donk's. He sank down on his tail, gave a hissing gasp and rolled over
+stone dead. Broken heart."
+
+"Is that the end?" Albert Edward inquired.
+
+"It is," said Monk; "and if you go outside and look half-right you'll
+see the bereaved Mr. O'Dwyer, all got up in sack-cloth, cinders
+and crepe rosettes, mooning over the deceased like a dingo on an
+ash-heap." PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Aunt Maria_. "DO YOU KNOW I ONCE ACTUALLY SAW THE
+KAISER RIDING THROUGH THE STREETS OF LONDON AS BOLD AS BRASS. IF I'D
+KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I'D HAVE TOLD A POLICEMAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FOR THE DURATION ..."
+
+    "The forenoon service in the Parish Church will be at 11 o'clock
+    instead of 11.15 on Sunday first, and will continue till further
+    orders."--_Scottish Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AID FOR THE MILITARY POLICE.
+
+    "The recruiting hut which is being erected in Trafalgar Square in
+    connection with the campaign undertaken by the Ministry of Labour
+    to recruit women for the Women's Army Auxiliary Cops will shortly
+    be completed."--_Sunday Pictorial_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "She was visited occasionally by a man of foreign appearance, who
+    was believed to be her bother-in-law."--_Ipswich Evening Star_.
+
+Probably one of those "strained relations" we so often read about.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "My Correspondent's bona fides are above suspicion."--_"The
+    Clubman" in "The Pall Matt Gazette."_
+
+One good fide deserves another, but of course the more the merrier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Keen Motorist _(who has temporarily taken to
+push-biking, to leisurely fowl which has brought him low)_. "JUST
+YOU WAIT TILL THEY REMOVE THESE PETROL RESTRICTIONS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INVITATION.
+
+  If you will come and stay with us you shall not want for ease;
+  We'll swing you on a cobweb between the forest trees;
+  And twenty little singing-birds upon a flowering thorn
+  Shall hush you every evening and wake you every morn.
+
+  If you will come and stay with us you need not miss your school;
+  A learned toad shall teach you, high-perched upon his stool;
+  And he will tell you many things that none but fairies know--
+  The way the wind goes wandering and how the daisies grow.
+
+  If you will come and stay with us you shall not lack, my dear,
+  The finest fairy raiment, the best of fairy cheer;
+  We'll send a million glow-worms out, and slender chains of light
+  Shall make a shining pathway--then why not come to-night?
+
+  R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRISTMAS FARE IN WAR-TIME.
+
+    "Whatever the dinner be like, we can still have our fill of
+    holly and mistletoe."--_Star_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMITATION AIR-RAIDS.
+
+Mr. Punch is glad to note that some real efforts are being made to
+meet the public needs in this matter on nights when there is no attack
+by the enemy.
+
+In particular the owners of certain large warehouses have come forward
+in a spirited manner by giving directions for the banging of large
+folding-doors at suitable (irregular) hours. Private individuals
+also, especially when returning home late at night, can do something
+in the way of supplying entertainment for nervous residents in the
+neighbourhood. Much is expected, too, of the large dairy companies,
+who, by their control of vast numbers of heavy milk-cans, are in a
+peculiarly favoured position. By the manipulation of these vessels on
+a stone floor a very complete imitation of a raid can be produced.
+A good deal, of course, can be done by any ordinary householder. "I
+have had great fun," one correspondent writes, "with a very deliberate
+and heavily-striking Dutch clock, which I have lately put against my
+party-wall. My neighbour's family frequently jump up and run for the
+basement. When they get used to the thing I shall give the other side
+a turn."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRE-DRILL.
+
+Once a month, as laid down in "Orders for Auxiliary Hospitals for
+Officers," or some such document, we practise fire-drill. This
+consists of escaping from upper windows by means of precarious
+canvas chutes. The only people exempted from this ceremony are Mrs.
+Ropes--who watches with great delight from a safe distance--and
+Sister, who stands sternly at the top to make sure (a) that those
+patients who don't want to go down do go down, and (b) that those
+patients who do want to go down don't go down more than once. No
+excuses are taken. The fixed ration is one slither per chute per
+person.
+
+We had this month's rehearsal last Tuesday. The patients were put
+through it first, Major Stanley--to his great disgust--being chosen
+to lead the way and set his juniors an example. He was told that it
+was possible, by sticking out his elbows, to go down as slowly as he
+liked; but he must have done it wrong somehow, for he disappeared with
+startling suddenness the instant he let go the window-sill, and almost
+simultaneously his boots shot out at the other end and doubled Dutton
+the butler up so badly that he had to be taken away and reinflated.
+
+Haynes, who came next, insisted on first making his dying speech from
+the window, for, as he pointed out to Sister, when people allowed
+themselves to be inserted alive into machines of this type there was
+every likelihood of their reappearing at the other end in the form of
+sausages. Seymour handed Sister a bulky package labelled "WILL" before
+starting, and most of us managed to be mildly humorous in some way or
+other.
+
+Mrs. Ropes, on the lawn, enjoyed it all immensely; and so did Ansell,
+who was standing beside her with an air of detachment. Sister's eagle
+eye singled him out.
+
+"Come along, Mr. Ansell," she called. "I see you--your turn next. No
+shirking."
+
+"I'm not in this, Sister," he answered loftily.
+
+"Oh, indeed! And why not?"
+
+"Because I sleep on the verandah. If there's a fire I simply get out
+of bed and step into the garden."
+
+"Oh, no, you don't," put in Seymour. "That would be entirely contrary
+to regulations. The official method of escaping from burning buildings
+is down the official chute. In case of fire your correct procedure
+will be to double smartly upstairs, commend your soul to Providence in
+a soldier-like manner, and toboggan smartly down."
+
+(Have I mentioned that Seymour is an Adjutant?)
+
+"That's right, Captain Seymour," said Sister from above. "Bring him
+up under escort if necessary."
+
+After the patients came Miss Ropes, and after her the domestic staff,
+beginning with the less valuable members and working up gradually to
+Dutton and Cook. It was possible to trace the progress of the younger
+and slighter maids by a swiftly-descending squeal, while that of the
+more portly was visible as a leisurely protuberance. At last Cook
+was the only one left--Dutton was not feeling quite up to performing
+the journey. She was a new cook, and very precious. She had all the
+generous proportions of her profession, and with them went a placid
+temper and a great sense of personal dignity.
+
+"Oh, Cook," said Miss Ropes, "_you_ needn't go down, you know, unless
+you want to."
+
+There are times when official regulations must be sacrificed to
+diplomacy. But Cook was in high good humour, and quite determined on
+doughty deeds. Miss Ropes said no more.
+
+The task of getting a wide cook into a narrow canvas tube proved quite
+unexpectedly difficult; and, when it was accomplished, so far from
+sticking out her elbows as brakes, she had to press them close to her
+sides in order to move at all. With the aid of a friendly pressure
+applied to the top of her head by Sister she got slowly under way. The
+chute bulged portentously. The bulge travelled a few feet; then it
+stuck and became violently agitated. Sister clutched at the top of the
+chute, while Dutton hung manfully on to the other end.
+
+"Don't struggle," said Sister in a stern professional voice. "Keep
+your arms still, and you'll come down all right." A muffled screaming
+and a dangerously increased agitation of the chute was the only reply.
+Cook had quite lost her head and was having violent hysterics. Three
+or four of us raced upstairs to aid Sister in keeping the top end
+of the apparatus from jerking free, while several more went to the
+assistance of the flustered Dutton.
+
+Cook ceased to struggle for a moment, but only through exhaustion;
+for when Sister seized the opportunity to repeat her advice a fresh
+paroxysm came on, and everybody "stood to" at their posts again. Miss
+Ropes conceived the idea of attaching a cord to Cook's armpits and
+hauling her up again by main force. She dashed into the house, and
+found a demoralised kitchen-maid calling incoherently for help down
+the telephone.
+
+Meanwhile Cook had had her worst spasm. We hung grimly on to the
+chute, dismally confident that something would have to give way soon.
+Suddenly there was a rending sound; the seam of the canvas ripped open
+and a gaping slit appeared, through which Cook's freed arm flapped
+wildly. Then the arm disappeared as the body to which it was attached
+gathered momentum; and when Miss Ropes appeared with a length of cord
+she was just in time to see her retainer return to the world--alive,
+but practically inside out.
+
+As soon as Cook recovered her breath it was apparent that her temper
+was no longer placid. Forgetting entirely that it was by her own
+choice that she had made the trip, she gave us all to understand
+that she believed the whole incident to have been specially arranged
+for her humiliation. She gave notice on the spot, and staggered
+indignantly to the house to pack her box, leaving her employer once
+again face to face with the Servant Problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARTISETTE.
+
+    (_An Engineering School for Women
+     has been started in Scotland._)
+
+  What if my lady should appear
+  In a mechanic's grimy gear?
+  I shall not squeamishly decline
+    To figure at her shrine.
+
+  If Vulcan's smoky sway precludes
+  An assignation in the woods,
+  I shall not linger less elate
+    Outside the foundry gate.
+
+  When she knocks off at eventide
+  I'll flutter fondly to her side,
+  And demonstrate that grease and oil
+    Can't loosen love's sweet coil.
+
+  Most tenderly my tongue shall wag
+  To Amaryllis on the slag,
+  Whilst I endeavour to confine
+    Her horny hand in mine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSONAL.
+
+    "Pat. Don't be disappointed. Nothing amis. Iris."--_Calcutta
+    Statesman_.
+
+Only a letter gone astray.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let, outside
+    air radius."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+A little suffocating, perhaps.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If a million quarter acres in the country were left uncultivated,
+    the result would be that a quarter of a million acres would be
+    left uncultivated."--_Scotch Paper_.
+
+Examined and found correct.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:--
+
+    "In that ouse Capital was very fully represented--he thought
+    over-represented."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the capital out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HIGHWAYMAN.
+
+"TAXI! TAXI!"
+
+"WHAT ABAHT IT?"
+
+"I WANT TO GO TO HAMPSTEAD."
+
+"DO YER?"
+
+"I'LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL FARE."
+
+"DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN' I'LL TAKE YER--'ALF-WAY."
+
+"AN', MIND YER, I WOULDN'T 'AVE BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I
+'APPENED TO 'AVE BIN COMIN' ANY'OW. I LIVE UP 'ERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_ (_returning to France in heavy sea_).
+"I--HOPE--TO--HEAVENS--THE NEXT--WAR THEY HAVE--WILL--BE--IN
+ENGLAND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NIGHTMARES.
+
+I.
+
+    OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE WAR
+    CORRESPONDENT OF "THE DAILY MAIL" FOR A LITERAL TRANSLATION
+    OF THE CAESAR'S _DE BELLO GALLICO_.
+
+"_Omnis Gallia in tres partes divisa est._" Is it fanciful to say of
+the three parts into which all Gaul is divided that by their colours
+may they be known, the blue, the brown and the ghastly, ghoulish,
+intolerable, bestial, but, thank God, passing, grey? Yes, thank God,
+the blight of greyness cannot last long; even now the scabrous plague
+is being burnt up and swept back and overwhelmed by the resistless
+flood, eager yet cautious, persistent yet fiery, of the blue and the
+brown. Hideous, pitiable, soul-searing are the scars that it leaves in
+its mephitic wake, but the cleansing tide of the brown and the blue
+sweeps on, and the healing wand of time waves over them, and soon the
+shell-holes and the waste places and the abominations of desolation
+are covered with little flowers--or would be if it were Spring.
+
+The Spring! No one knows what depth of meaning lies in that little
+word for our brave fellows, what intensity of hopes and fears and
+well-nigh intolerable yearnings it awakens beneath the cheery
+insouciance of their exteriors; no one, that is, except me. They tell
+me about it as they pass back, privates and generals, war-hardened
+veterans and boys of nineteen with the youth in their eyes not yet
+drowned by the ever-increasing encroachments of the war-devil; all
+are alike in their cheerful determination to see this grim and bloody
+business of fighting to an honourable end, and alike, too, in that
+their souls turn frankly, as might children's, for refreshment and
+relief to the kindly breast and simple beauties of Mother Nature.
+
+The key-note of their attitude is given in the sentence, spoken
+dreamily and as if in forgetfulness of my presence, by a Corporal of
+the R.G.A. as I cleaned his boots--it was an honour. "The blue--the
+blue--the blue--and the white!"
+
+He was gazing skywards. I could see nothing but grey clouds, but I
+knew that his young eyes were keener than mine, that he had learnt to
+look into the inmost heart of things in that baptism of fire, that
+travail of freedom, where desolation blossoms and hell sprouts like a
+weed. Through the grey he could discern the triumph of the blue and
+the white of peace, when the work of the brown shall be done. It was
+an allegory. More he told me, too, in his simple country speech, so
+good to hear in a foreign land: of the daisies in the yard at home,
+of the dandelions on the lawn, of his pet pig: things too sacred to
+repeat here. And he told me that the great event on the Front now is
+the Autumn glory of the trees. Then he departed, and as he went he
+broke into deep-throated, Homeric laughter, and I--I understood: he
+was mocking Death. Even thus does laughter yap at the heels of that
+dishonoured king out here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE BOOD.
+
+A SODDET.
+
+    [Our poet has caught a severe cold through
+     having spent the night in the cellar.]
+
+  BOOD, whose autubdal spleddour, as of dood,
+   Shides od frob set of sud to dawdigg bord,
+  Gradt be this bood, o bood, to calb by bood
+   With agodisigg apprehedsiod tord,
+
+  Illube dot with thy beabs the biddight burk,
+   Whed through the gloob the Huddish biscreadts
+  Cobe sdeakigg, bedt od their idhubad work
+   Of bobbigg slubberigg dod-cobbatadts.
+
+  Or if thy labbedt gleabs thou bayst dot blidd,
+   Thed bay they aid our airbed add our guds;
+  Its bark bay every barkigg bissile fidd,
+   Bay dought be dode abiss, dor dode be duds.
+
+  So bayst thou baffle burderous WILLIAB'S plad,
+   Add all attebts of that bad badbad bad.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVILEGED DISLOYALTY.
+
+FIRST TRAITOR. "HOW ARE WE TO PUSH OUR PROPAGANDA PAST THE CENSOR?"
+
+SECOND TRAITOR. "NOTHING EASIER. GET THE RIGHT KIND OF QUESTIONS ASKED
+IN PARLIAMENT; THERE'S NOBODY TO STOP _THEM_ FROM BEING PUBLISHED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, November 5th._--By way of celebrating Guy Fawkes Day the
+Government announced their intention of compensating, up to a limit of
+five hundred pounds, any householder whose property has been damaged
+in air-raids. How soon he will cage his "monkey" will depend upon the
+Treasury, which is morbidly anxious lest in its transactions _bis dat
+qui cito dat_ should be literally illustrated.
+
+[Illustration: "Forgetting the claims of Glasgow." MR. WATT.]
+
+The official price of potatoes is still unsettled. According to his
+own statement the FOOD CONTROLLER is only waiting for the decision of
+the War Cabinet. "On the contrary," said Mr. LAW, "the Cabinet is only
+waiting for Lord RHONDDA." It seems to be another case of the Earl of
+CHATHAM and Sir RICHAUD STRACHAN; and in the meantime the potatoes are
+rotting.
+
+Provided that no scarcity of gas for other purposes is caused
+the Government see no objection to its use for the propulsion of
+motor-cars. On receiving this information Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING at
+once ordered a Zeppelin attachment to his famous torpedo-shaped car.
+No other gas-consumer will suffer, as he is prepared to keep the
+apparatus inflated from his own retorts.
+
+By the scheme of the Boundary Commissioners, the roll of the Commons,
+already a hundred per cent. too big for its accommodation, is to be
+increased by some thirty Members. Various suggestions for enabling the
+new-comers to assist at debates have been proposed. "Dug-outs" under
+the existing benches, whence they could poke out their heads between
+the legs of other Members, and "painters' cradles" depending from the
+ceiling, or the galleries, are among the most popular.
+
+In the circumstances it is not surprising that the HOME SECRETARY
+strenuously resisted the proposal of the London representatives to
+give another couple of Members to "the hub of the universe," as Mr.
+WATT, momentarily forgetting the claims of Glasgow, handsomely called
+it. Among a number of minor concessions, Mr. THEODORE TAYLOR'S plea
+that Batley should be associated with Morley "because they have had
+many a tussle at cricket" could not be resisted.
+
+_Tuesday, November 6th._--A statement that the great War Savings
+meeting at the Albert Hall cost L3,500, chiefly for the expenses of
+delegates, shocked the thrifty conscience of Mr. HOGGE, who hoped Mr.
+BALDWIN would discourage the PRIME MINISTER'S meetings if they were so
+expensive. Mr. BALDWIN did not condescend to answer him or he might
+have observed that the delegates in question were voluntary workers
+who by their exertions had helped to raise over a hundred millions for
+the prosecution of the War.
+
+Mr. TILLETT, the newly-elected Member for North Salford, took his
+seat, and there was general cheering as, under the safe-conduct of two
+amply-proportioned friends, Little Ben was introduced to Big Ben.
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW RECRUIT. SIR JOHN SIMON.]
+
+When Mr. BALFOUR informed Mr. JOWETT at Question-time that the only
+commitments of Great Britain to France are contained in the Treaty of
+Alliance of September 5th, 1914, which has been duly published, he
+knocked the foundation from under the subsequent peace-debate. But
+that did not prevent Mr. LEES SMITH from making a long speech, on the
+assumption that by promising to help France to recover her ravished
+provinces we had improperly extended the objects of the war. Mr.
+MCCURDY, who shares with Mr. LEES SMITH the representation of
+Northampton, plainly hinted that if his colleague cared to visit his
+constituents they would be delighted to present him with a specimen of
+the local manufacture.
+
+The speeches of Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. ASQUITH, though well worth
+hearing, were hardly needed to complete the rout of the Pacifists;
+and, in the division on the Closure, the men who are prepared (in Mr.
+FABER'S pungent phrase) "to take the bloody hand of Germany" made a
+very poor muster.
+
+_Wednesday, November 7th._--I am inclined to echo Lord SALISBURY'S
+regret that Labour has no direct representative in the Upper House.
+The proletarian peer, if there were one, would have been both
+surprised and delighted to hear how the non-proletarians, without
+exception, spoke of his class.
+
+My imaginary peer would have been especially edified by the speech of
+Lord MILNER, whom a small but noisy section of the Press persists in
+describing as more Prussian than the Prussians. Not under-estimating
+the difficulties in the way of a frank and full understanding between
+Capital and Labour, he nevertheless believed that they would be
+overcome, because he had an abiding faith in the mass of his
+fellow-countrymen. Not quite what one expects of a British Junker, is
+it?
+
+_Thursday, November 8th._--When tonnage is so scarce it seems odd that
+room can still be found for consignments of wild animals. Mr. PETO
+drew attention to a coming cargo, including two hundred avadavats, the
+little birds about which _Joseph Surface_ was so contemptuous, and six
+hundred monkeys--"sufficient," as he pleasantly observed, "to fill
+this House."
+
+For once Mr. BILLING expressed a widely-held opinion when he
+questioned the propriety, in present circumstances, of holding the
+LORD MAYOR'S Banquet. Mr. BONAR LAW'S solemn assurance that he only
+accepted the invitation on the distinct understanding that the feast
+would fall completely within the FOOD CONTROLLER'S regulations, was
+not altogether convincing. Members were anxious to know the exact
+dimensions that Lord RHONDDA has laid down for the turtle-ration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Onlooker_ (_at a Company exhibition, to the better
+man_). "HERE, LAAD, NOT SO MOOCH OF IT. WE'M SHORT O' SOJERS IN OUR
+COOMPANY, DOAN'T THEE FORGET!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GILBERT.
+
+We are all very fond of Gilbert. There are, however, one or two things
+about him which even his best friends will admit make it hard for us
+at times to remember how much we really love him. Sometimes he seems
+almost too good to be true. Yet I have known wet horrible days in the
+trenches when the sight of him coming smiling down the line, exuding
+efficiency and enthusiasm at every pore, has made his fellow-officers
+positively dislike him.
+
+For, alas, he is one of those dear overzealous fellows whom in moments
+of depression we stigmatise as "hearty." He has even been known to
+be hearty at breakfast; to come trampling into the dug-out with that
+blinking old smile on his face, expressing immense satisfaction with
+life in general at the top of a peculiarly robust voice; to tread on
+his captain's toes and slap his next-door neighbour heartily on the
+back, and then to explain to a swearing and choking audience how
+splendidly he has slept, and what a topping day it is going to be.
+
+Never has Gilbert been known to spend a bad night; he is one of those
+fortunate animals who can go to sleep standing and at five minutes'
+notice, and start snoring at once. If you try to sleep anywhere near
+him, you dream of finding yourself in Covent Garden station, trying to
+board endless trains which roar through without stopping--that's the
+kind of snore it is.
+
+And now it is time I told my story.
+
+It happened many years ago, when the War was young and the Bosch
+comparatively aggressive; when our big guns fired once every other
+Sunday and we lived precarious lives in holes in the ground. Our
+Brigadier, a conscientious soldier of the old school, was dodging
+round our line of trenches, and had just reached the sector allotted
+to my company, which was also Gilbert's, when the distant buzz that
+generally means an aeroplane overhead made itself distinctly heard.
+
+"Can you spot him?" said the General to his Brigade-major; "one of
+theirs, I suppose?"
+
+Now it is as much as a Brigade-Major's job is worth to confess
+ignorance at such a crisis. So, after sweeping the skies fruitlessly
+with his glasses and listening intelligently to the steady drone, he
+said, "Yes!" with as much conviction as possible.
+
+"Heads down," said the General sharply, "and don't move. Pass it
+down." And by way of example he sat heavily on my periscope and stayed
+gazing at the ground like a fakir lost in meditation.
+
+Meanwhile the message was passed along, and the trench became silent
+as the grave. I was informed a few days later that it reached the
+outer battalion of the next brigade later on in the morning, and was
+popularly supposed to have reached Switzerland the same evening.
+
+For about five minutes the droning continued ("Having a good look at
+us," said the Brigade-major in a sepulchral whisper) and then suddenly
+ceased with what I can only describe as an appalling snort. Almost
+simultaneously a tousled head was thrust out of a dug-out almost
+into the great man's face, and Gilbert's cheerful roar was heard by
+a scandalised company.
+
+"Had a topping sleep. What's the time, someone?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Best milch cows have been sold recently for L60 in the Isle
+    of Wight. At a meeting of the Cowes Council it was stated
+    that at Chichester cows had sold for L73 each."--_Times_.
+
+And now that the Isle of Wight milkers have held their indignation
+meeting it is expected that the anomaly will be removed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE UP!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PETER, THE TEMPTER.
+
+Necessity does not make stranger bedfellows than some of the changes
+brought about by War. Who, for example--and certainly not such a born
+sun-worshipper as I--would ever have dreamt that a time would come
+when we in London and the Eastern counties would desire rain and wind
+with a passionate keenness once reserved solely for fine weather? Yet
+so it is. By reason of that foolish invention of flying we now, when
+we go to the window in the morning and lift the blind, are dashed and
+darkly thoughtful if no sky of grey scudding misery meets our gaze.
+"Please Heaven it pours!" we say. Just think of it--"Please Heaven it
+pours!" What a treachery! It may even come that we include prayers for
+storms in the Liturgy.
+
+In default of bad weather we may have to Take Cover; and it is when
+we Take Cover that discoveries begin and long-postponed adventures
+fructify. For years and years, for example, I had looked down that
+steep hill by the Tivoli site in the Strand into the yawning cavern
+that opens there, and wondered about it. I had thought one day to
+explore it, but had never done so, any more than I have yet proceeded
+further towards a visit to the Roman Bath, also off the Strand, than
+to threaten it.
+
+But I shall get to the Bath yet, because already, thanks to the
+intervention of the Hun, I have become intimately acquainted with
+Lower Robert Street, and the next step is simple.
+
+In the ordinary way, short of desperate impulse and decision--unless
+by some happy chance I had relinquished the burden of this pen and
+taken happy service with one of the wine merchants who store their
+treasure there--I should never have entered Lower Robert Street at
+all, for it goes nowhere and runs under the earth, and it is damp
+and mouldy, and the only doors, leading to this vault and that,
+are locked. But for all these disabilities Lower Robert Street is,
+in Gotha and Zeppelin times, a very present help and refuge. There
+assemble, with more or less fortitude and philosophy, the denizens
+of the Adelphi, thankful indeed that the brothers Adam established
+their streets and terrace on so useful a foundation; and there twice
+recently have I joined them. And an odd assembly we have made, ranging
+as we do from successful dramatists to needy journalists, with an
+actress or so to keep us manly.
+
+There for long hours have we waited until the "All clear" has
+sounded--or, at any rate, some have done so. As for myself, on the
+last occasion, taking advantage of a lull in the uproar, I crept away
+to bed, and, after falling into the sleep of exhaustion, had the
+ironical experience of being rudely awakened by the reassuring bugles
+and my night again ruined.
+
+Having taken cover only in Lower Robert Street, which is open to
+all, I cannot with any personal knowledge speak of the camaraderie
+of private basements; but I suppose that that exists and is another
+of the War's byproducts. I take it that, in the event of a sudden
+alarm, no householder with a cellar would be so inhuman as to
+refuse admittance to a stranger, and already probably a myriad
+new friendships and not a few engagements have resulted. Our own
+camaraderie is admirable. The federation of the barrage breaks down
+every obstacle; while a piece of shrapnel that one can display is more
+valuable than any letter of introduction, no matter who wrote it.
+Hence we all talk; and sometimes we sing too--choruses of the moment,
+for the most part, in one of which the depth of our affection for our
+maternal relative is measured and regulated by the floridity of the
+roses growing on her porch.
+
+And yet, when at last friendliness is upon the town, there are
+people--and not only alien Hebrews either--who have been hurrying away
+from London! When London has become more interesting than ever before
+in its history there are people who leave it!
+
+Personally I mean to cling to the old city as long as it will cling to
+me; but even now across one's aching sight comes a "dream of pastime
+premature" which shakes such resolves a little. Peter, for example,
+has been having a disturbing effect on me. Only now and then, of
+course--when I am not quite myself; when the two and thirty (what
+remains of them) are not so firmly gritted as they should be; when
+even London seems unworthy of devotion.
+
+But these moods pass. You will admit, though, that Peter has his lure.
+I read about him in the _Tavistock Gazette_, one of the few papers,
+I fancy, which does not belong to Lord NORTHCLIFFE; and this is
+how the lyric (it is really a lyric, although it masquerades as an
+advertisement) runs, not only in the paper but in my head: "To be
+let, by Tender" (this is not an oath but some odd legal or commercial
+term) "as and from Lady Day all that nice little PASTURE FARM known as
+HIGHER CHURCH FARM, situate in the village of Peter Tavy." Now what
+could be more unlike London under the German invasion and all that
+nasty little tunnel known as Lower Robert Street, than Peter Tavy?
+
+But I must not be tempted. I must stick it out here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY GOSSIP A LA MODE.
+
+The mystification practised by authors who have passed off as their
+own work the compositions of others is familiar to all literary
+students. SHAKSPEARE'S assumption of borrowed plumes is of course
+the classic example. But another and more subtle problem is the
+interchange of functions between two men of letters; and the theory
+recently advanced by the distinguished critic and occultist, Mr.
+Pullar Leggatt, deserves at least a respectful hearing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Briefly stated, it is that during his hermit existence at Putney
+the late Mr. SWINBURNE effected an interchange of this sort with Sir
+W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; the Editor of _The British Weekly_ devoting
+himself to the composition of poems, while the poet assumed editorial
+control of the famous newspaper. If the theory thus crudely stated
+sounds somewhat fantastic the arguments on which it is based are
+extraordinarily plausible if not convincing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To begin with, experts in anagrams will not fail to notice that the
+names ALGERNON SWINBURNE and W. ROBERTSON NICOLL contain practically
+the same number of letters--absolutely the same if SWINBURNE is spelt
+without an "e"--and that the forenames of both end in "-on," as does
+also the concluding syllable of WATTS-DUNTON. The fact that the Editor
+of _The British Weekly_ has never published any poems over his own
+name only tends to confirm the theory, as the argument conclusively
+establishes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For it is impossible to believe that so versatile a polymath should
+not at some time or other have courted the Muse, and if so, under what
+name could he have had a stronger motive for publishing his poems than
+that of SWINBURNE? So austere a theologian would naturally shrink from
+revealing his excursions into the realms of poesy, and under this
+disguise he was safe from detection. Lastly, while Sir W. ROBERTSON
+NICOLL has always championed the Kailyard School, SWINBURNE lived
+at The Pines. The connection is obvious; as thus: Kail, sea-kale,
+sea-coal, coke, coker-nut, walnut, dessert, pine-apple, pine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As regards SWINBURNE'S conduct of _The British Weekly_, it is enough
+to point to such alliterative and melodious combinations as "Rambling
+Remarks" and "Claudius Clear." The theological attitude of the paper
+presents difficulties which are not so easy to overcome, but Mr.
+Pullar Leggatt has promised to deal with this question later on.
+Meanwhile the diplomatic silence maintained by Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL
+and Mr. EDMUND GOSSE must not be interpreted as conveying either a
+complete acceptance or a total rejection of this remarkable theory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wounded Tommy_. "WILL YOU PLAY MENDELSSOHN'S 'SPRING
+SONG,' PLEASE?"
+
+_Distinguished Pianist_ (_with a soul above Mendelssohn_). "I'M AFRAID
+I CAN'T."
+
+_Tommy_. "IT IS A BIT OF A TEASER, AIN'T IT? TIES MY SISTER UP IN A
+KNOT WHENEVER SHE TACKLES IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW CRUMMLES.
+
+HERTLING "is not Prussian."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY PYJAMAS.
+
+A STUDY IN THE FASTIDIOUS.
+
+I hope this is not going to be embarrassing. If so, it is not my
+fault. This is history, please remember, not fiction. I wanted--I am
+obliged to say it--pyjamas for winter wear. I know all about pyjamas
+for summer wear; what I wanted was pyjamas for winter wear, and I
+decided that Agnes should make them. For years I have been trying to
+get proper pyjamas--by which I mean pyjamas properly made--but the
+haberdasher always smiles depreciation and tells me that the goods he
+offers me are what are always worn. Quite so; but what I say is that
+out of bed and for the purpose of having your photograph taken Trade
+pyjamas are all right; but that in bed they commit untold offences. I
+enter my bed clothed; I settle down in it half-naked. The jacket has
+run up to my arm-pits; my legs are bare to the knee; my arms to the
+elbows; the loosely buttoned front is ruckled up into a funnel, down
+which, whenever I move, the bedclothes like a bellows draw a chill
+blast of air on to that particular part of my chest which is designed
+for catching colds. When I turn over in my dreams I wake to find
+myself tied as with ropes. Slumber's chains have indeed bound me. I am
+a man in the clothing of a nightmare. The cold, cold sheets catch me
+in the most ticklesome delicacies of my back and make me jump again.
+Enough.
+
+"Well," said Agnes, "if I am going to make your pyjamas you must tell
+me exactly what you want."
+
+"My pyjamas," I said, "shall be buttoned round the ankle and capacious
+below the waist--there I ask a Turkish touch. The jacket shall be
+buttoned at the wrists and baggy at the shoulder; at the chest it
+shall strap me across like an R.F.C. tunic, and it shall be securely
+clipped to the trousers."
+
+"Why not have it all in one?"
+
+"What!" I cried, "and parade hotel passages in search of the bath
+looking like a clown out of a circus? No, thank you."
+
+"You must make me a pattern then," said Agnes, "or I shan't know what
+to do."
+
+I can't make patterns, but I can, and I did, make plans of ground and
+first-floor levels, a section and back and front elevations, all to a
+scale of one inch to the foot exactly. I also made a full-size detail
+of a toggle-and-cinch gear linking the upper storey to the lower.
+
+"I think," Agnes said, "you had better come to the shop and choose the
+material."
+
+I thought so too. I wanted something gaudy that would make me feel
+cheerful when I woke in the morning; but I also had another idea in
+my mind. _Mangle-proof buttons_! Have the things been invented yet?
+
+The archbishop who attended to us deprecated the idea of india-rubber
+buttons.
+
+"What kind are you now using?" he asked solicitously.
+
+"At present, on No. 2," I said, "I am using splinters of
+mother-of-pearl. Last week, with No. 1, I used a steel ring hanging
+by its rim to a shred of linen, two safeties, and a hairpin found on
+the floor."
+
+I chose a flannel with broad green and violet stripes, and very large
+buttons of vitrified brick which I hoped might break the mangle. These
+buttons were emerald in colour and gave me a new idea. _Trimmings_.
+
+"I want to look right if the house catches fire," I told Agnes. "Green
+sateen collar to match the buttons--"
+
+"And for the wristbands," said Agnes, catching my enthusiasm.
+
+"And for the wristbands," I agreed; "but," I added, "not at the
+ankles. That would make the other people in the street expect me to
+dance to them, and I don't know how to."
+
+And now the good work is complete. Toggle and cinch perform their
+proud functions, and I sleep undisturbed by Arctic nightmares, for I
+have substituted green ties for the stoneware buttons which reduced
+my vitality by absorbing heat. My only trouble is my increasing
+reluctance to rise in the morning. I don't like changing out of my
+beautiful things so early in the day. I am beginning to want breakfast
+in bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE DUMP.
+
+(_LINES TO THE N.C.O. IN CHARGE._)
+
+  Now is the hour of dusk and mist and midges,
+    Now the tired planes drone homeward through the haze,
+  And distant wood-fires wink behind the ridges,
+    And the first flare some timorous Hun betrays;
+  Now no shell circulates, but all men brood
+      Over their evening food;
+  The bats flit warily and owl and rat
+    With muffled cries their shadowy loves pursue,
+  And pleasant, Corporal, it is to chat
+    In this hushed moment with a man like you.
+
+  How strange a spectacle of human passions
+    Is yours all day beside the Arras road,
+  What mournful men concerned about their rations
+    When here at eve the limbers leave their load,
+  What twilight blasphemy, what horses' feet
+      Entangled with the meat,
+  What sudden hush when that machine-gun sweeps,
+    And--flat as possible for men so round--
+  The Quartermasters may be seen in heaps,
+    While you sit still and chuckle, I'll be bound!
+
+  Here all men halt awhile and tell their rumours;
+    Here the young runners come to cull your tales,
+  How Generals talked with you, in splendid humours,
+    And how the Worcestershires have gone to Wales;
+  Up yonder trench each lineward regiment swings,
+      Saying some shocking things;
+  And here at dark sad diggers stand in hordes
+    Waiting the late elusive Engineer,
+  While glowing pipes illume yon notice-boards,
+    That say, "No LIGHTS. YOU MUST NOT LOITER HERE."
+
+  And you sit ruminant and take no action,
+    But daylong watch the aeroplanes at play,
+  Or contemplate with secret satisfaction
+    Your fellow-men proceeding towards the fray;
+  Your sole solicitude when men report
+      There is a shovel short,
+  Or, numbering jealously your rusty store,
+    Some mouldering rocket, some wet bomb you miss
+  That was reserved for some ensuing war,
+    But on no grounds to be employed in this.
+
+  For Colonels flatter you, most firm of warders,
+    For sandbags suppliant, and do no good,
+  And high Staff officers and priests in orders
+    In vain beleaguer you for bits of wood,
+  While I, who have nor signature nor chit,
+      But badly want a bit,
+  I only talk to you of these high themes,
+    Nor stoop to join the sycophantic choir,
+  Seeing (I trust) my wicked batman, Jeames,
+    Has meanwhile pinched enough to light my fire.
+
+  A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_looking out of train on to darkened
+platform_). "PORTER, IS THIS EDGWARE ROAD? I CAN'T SEE A THING."
+
+_Porter_ (_with Irish blood in her_). "NOT YET, M'M. EDGWARE ROAD'S
+THE STATION BEFORE YOU GETS TO BAKER STHEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+"In a few days," says the puff preliminary of _The Coming_ (CHATTO
+AND WINDUS), "you and all your friends will be reading and discussing
+this most strange and prophetic novel." Perhaps. But what we shall
+be saying about it depends largely, I suppose, upon our definition
+of the term prophetic; also a little upon our feeling with regard to
+good taste and the permissible in fiction. My own contribution will
+be a sincere regret that a writer as gifted as Mr. J.C. SNAITH should
+have attempted the obviously impossible. His theme, symbolised by a
+wrapper-design of three figures silhouetted against a golden sunrise,
+is a second advent of the Messiah, embodied in the person of a village
+carpenter named (with palpable significance) _John Smith_, whom local
+prejudice sends, not inexcusably, to a madhouse, where he dies, after
+converting the inmates and instituting a campaign of universal peace.
+Frankly, the chief interest of such a wildly fantastic idea lies in
+watching just how far Mr. SNAITH can carry it without too flagrant
+offence. That his treatment is both sincere and careful hardly lessens
+my feeling that the whole attempt is one to be deplored. Humour of the
+intentional kind has, of course, no place in the author's scheme. How
+remote is its banishment you may judge when I tell you that the Divine
+message is represented as given to mankind in the form of a wonderful
+play, which instantly achieves world-wide fame, being performed by no
+fewer than fifty companies in America alone. The problem (to name but
+one) of the resulting struggle between plenary inspiration and the
+conditions of a fit-up tour is only another proof of my contention
+that there are more things in heaven and earth than can be treated
+in realistic fiction, and that Mr. SNAITH'S good intentions have
+unfortunately betrayed him into selecting the least possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If _Humphrey Thorncot_ and his sister _Edith_ had not bored one
+another and grown touchy--I judge by their reported conversations--in
+a house with green shutters in Chelsea, they would never have gone
+to St. Elizabeth, which is a Swiss resort, and would never have met
+the East-Prussian family of the _von Ludwigs_ in the year before the
+War. And _Humphrey_ would never have fallen (temporarily) in love
+with _Hulda von Ludwig_, nor would _Karl von Ludwig_ have fallen
+(permanently) in love with _Edith Thorncot_. The troubles and miseries
+of this latter couple are related by Mr. HUGH SPENDER in _The Gulf_
+(COLLINS). Papa _von Ludwig_ objects so violently to all this
+love-making that he eventually succumbs to a regular East-Prussian
+stroke of apoplexy which all but leads to a charge of parricide
+against _Karl_ by his base brother, _Wilhelm_. _Karl_ is really too
+good for this world. He objects to atrocities and refuses at the risk
+of his own life to shoot innocent Belgian villagers. Being imprisoned,
+he escapes by means of a secret sliding panel and an underground
+passage which leads him, not immediately, but after many vicissitudes,
+to America. There he is joined by his faithful _Edith_, who defies the
+Gulf caused by the War, and marries him. Mr. SPENDER appears to have
+been in some doubt as to whether he should write the story of two
+souls or the history of the first few weeks of the War. Eventually
+he elects to do both, and his novel consequently suffers somewhat in
+grip. He certainly paints a very vivid picture of events in the first
+period of active operations. May I hint a doubt, by the way, whether
+in 1913 a French Professor would have mentioned HINDENBURG as one of
+Germany's most important men? Whatever he may have been in Germany,
+HINDENBURG was for the outside world a later discovery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Further Memories_ (HUTCHINSON) is justly called by its publishers
+a "fascinating volume." The designation will not surprise those who
+enjoyed the late Lord REDESDALE'S former book of recollections. The
+present collection is a little haphazard (but none the worse for
+that), its chapters ranging over such diverse subjects as Gardens
+and Trees, QUEEN VICTORIA, BUDDHA, and the Commune. Certainly not
+the least interesting is that devoted to the story of the Wallace
+Collection, of which Lord REDESDALE was one of the trustees. His
+account of the origin and devolution of the famous treasures will
+invest them with a new interest in the happy days when they shall
+again be visible. Mr. EDMUND GOSSE contributes a foreword to the
+present volume, in which he draws a pathetic picture of the author,
+still unconquerably young, despite his years, facing the future with
+only one fear, that of the unemployment to which his increasing
+deafness, and the break-up of the world as it was before the War,
+seemed to be condemning him. _Further Memories_ was, we are told,
+undertaken as some sort of a safeguard against this menace of
+stagnation. It was a measure for which we may all be glad, as we can
+share Mr. GOSSE'S thanksgiving that the writer's death, coming when
+it did, saved him, as he had wished, "from all consciousness of
+decrepitude."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When an unstable young wife, getting tired of a pedantic husband in
+the way so familiar to students of novels, goes off with a companion
+more to her taste, anyone can foresee trouble, or what would there be
+to write about? When, further, her detestable lover, seeking change
+and fearing the financial lash of his properly indignant parent,
+terminates the arrangement, even an observer of real life can
+guess that her return to her rightful lord and master must entail
+disagreeables; but only a reader well brazened in modern fiction could
+expect Don Juan promptly to make love to and marry the husband's
+sister without a word of apology to anyone. This kind of rather
+unsavoury dabbling in problems best left to themselves generally
+concludes with the decease of most of the characters and a sort
+of clearing up, and to this rule, after many years and pages of
+discomfort, MARY E. MANN'S new story, _The Victim_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), is no exception. Not a very attractive programme, but all
+the same the volume has one or two redeeming features. For one thing,
+the sister is clearly and attractively drawn, and so is the picture on
+the wrapper, though it represents no particular incident to be traced
+in the pages of the volume which it adorns. Writing more strongly than
+is perhaps her wont, Mrs. MANN has taken some trouble to emphasise the
+fact that in these cases of uncontrolled passion the major penalty
+of guilt is borne not by the offenders themselves but by the first
+generation succeeding. This does need saying occasionally, I suppose,
+and to that extent _The Victim_ redeems itself from the charge of
+trivial unpleasantness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. J. RATH has really discovered a new type of heroine, new at least
+this side the Atlantic. His farm-bred _Sadie_, a Buffalo shirt-packer,
+classifies men by the sizes of their shirts, has no use for any
+swain with a chest measurement under forty, and eventually in a most
+original way finds her hero in _Mister 44_ (METHUEN), an enormous
+Canadian engineer and sportsman. She is no chicken herself and has
+a passion to be free of the city and out in the great open. _Sadie_
+is more than big; she is beautiful, burnished-copper-haired, sincere
+and kind, and, though I think the author "gets this over" quite well
+I liked her best before she found her man and her _Robinson Crusoe_
+adventures among the islands of Ontario, and was giving back chat to
+the little foreman in the factory. Here she is a pure delight; and
+in these days, when a knowledge of the American language may come in
+handy at any moment, this amiable romance may well be recommended as
+an attractive manual of first-aid in the matter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Without professing to be a student of Mrs. DIVER'S books I know enough
+about them to be worried by the commonplaceness of _Unconquered_
+(MURRAY). Like so many other authors she has succumbed to the lure
+of the War-novel. There may be a public for tales of this kind, but
+I have not yet read one that approaches artistic success. Here we
+are spared nothing. _Sir Mark Forsyth_ goes to France in the early
+days, is first of all reported "missing, believed killed," and then
+officially reported "killed." Of course he turns up again, but such
+a physical wreck that the minx whom he was to have married breaks
+off the engagement. Naturally the sweet girl, friend of _Mark's_
+childhood, undertakes to fill the gap. The minx, _Bel Alison_, is so
+scathingly drawn that from sheer perversity I found myself hunting
+for one good point in her character; but without a find. On the other
+hand, _Lady Forsyth_, _Mark's_ mother, and a quiet, capable man called
+_Macnair_, are admirably put before us. Yet at best there remains
+the conviction that the War is terribly real that these attempts to
+romance about it are almost bound to be as superficial as they are
+superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DURING THE RAID. _Disappointed Player_. "HARD LINES! I
+HAD AN EASY FIVE SHOT THAT WOULD HAVE RUN ME OUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lost, between Ryde Pier and Southsea, Black Satin Bag, containing
+    keys and eyeglasses. Reward given."--_Portsmouth Paper_.
+
+A chance for the local mine-sweepers.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+153, NOV. 14, 1917***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 11428.txt or 11428.zip *******
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