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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11428-0.txt b/11428-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a674232 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1562 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11428 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11428-h.htm or 11428-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h/11428-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +NOVEMBER 14, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +People are asking, "Can there be a hidden brain in the Foreign +Office?" + + *** + +A German posing as a Swiss, and stated by the police to be "a spy +and a dangerous character," has been sentenced to six months' +imprisonment. The matter will be further investigated pending +his escape. + + *** + +Three men were charged at Old Street last week with attempting the +"pot of tea" trick. The trick apparently consists in finding a man +with a pot of tea and giving him a sovereign to go round the corner +and buy a ham sandwich, the thief meanwhile offering to hold the pot +of tea. When the owner returns the tea has, of course, vanished. + + *** + +The increased consumption of bread, says Sir ARTHUR YAPP, is due to +the 9d. loaf. It would just serve us right if bread cost 2s. 6d. a +pound and there wasn't any, like everything else. + + *** + +"It is all a matter of taste," says a correspondent of _The Daily +Mail_, "but I think parsnips are now at their best." They may be +looking their best, but the taste remains the same. + + *** + +Seventy tons of blackberries for the soldiers have been gathered by +school-children in Buckinghamshire. Arrangements have been made for +converting this fruit into plum-and-apple jam. + + *** + +"Home Ruler" was the occupation given by a Chertsey woman on her +sugar-card application. The FOOD CONTROLLER states that although this +form of intimidation may work with the Government it has no terrors +for him. + + *** + +The Russian Minister of Finance anticipates getting a revenue of forty +million pounds from a monopoly of tea. It is thought that he must have +once been a grocer. + + *** + +The Law Courts are to be made available as an air-raid shelter by day +and night, and some of our revue proprietors are already complaining +of unfair competition. + + *** + +Two survivors of the battle of Inkerman have been discovered at +Brighton. Their inactivity in the present crisis is most unfavourably +commented on by many of the week-end visitors. + + *** + +A dolphin nearly eight feet in length has been landed by a boy who was +fishing at Southwold. Its last words were that it hoped the public +would understand that it had only heard of the food shortage that +morning. + + *** + +Captain OTTO SVERDRUP, the Arctic explorer, has returned his German +decorations. Upon hearing this the KAISER at once gave orders for the +North Pole to be folded up and put away. + + *** + +A certain number of cold storage eggs at sixpence each are being +released in Berlin and buyers are urged to "fetch them promptly." +In this connection several Iron Crosses have already been awarded +for acts of distinguished bravery by civilians. + + *** + +One of the new toys for Christmas is a cat which will swim about in a +bath. If only the household cat could learn to swim it might be the +means of saving several of its lives. + + *** + +A correspondent would like to know whether the naval surgeon who +recently described in _The Lancet_ how he raised "hypnotic blisters" +by suggestion received his tuition from one of our University +riverside coaches. + + *** + +We are asked to deny the rumour that Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, who last +week cracked a joke which was not understood by some American +soldiers, has decided to do it all over again. + + *** + +The power of music! An enterprising firm of manufacturers offers +pensions to women who become widows after the purchase of a piano +on the instalment plan. + + *** + +We understand that a Member of Parliament will shortly ask for a day +to be set aside to inquire into the conduct of Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, who +is reported to have recently shown marked pro-British tendencies. + + *** + +In view of the attitude taken up by _The Daily Express_ against Sir +ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we understand that +the celebrated author, who has long contemplated the final death of +_Sherlock Holmes_, has arranged that the famous detective shall one +day be found dead with a copy of _The Daily Express_ in his hand. + + *** + +A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public +eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of the +growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of chaining them +to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as safe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR. [Sign before church with +bomb-damaged steeple:] THE REV SULVANUS JONES WILL PREACH NEXT SUNDAY +MORNING ON WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CHURCH?] + + * * * * * + +INDIA MOVES. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The following is taken from a letter from the +Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers Commanding +Divisions and Independent Brigades:-- + + "I am directed to point out that at present there appears to + be considerable diversity of opinion regarding the number of + buttons, and the method of placing the same on mattresses in + use in hospitals. + + "I am therefore to request that in future all hospital mattresses + should be made up with fifty-three buttons placed in fifteen rows + of four and three alternately." + +This should convince your readers that even India has at last grasped +the idea of the War and is getting a move on. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless and + successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's knee, + which he fractured six years ago."--_Sunday Paper_. + +If the case is correctly reported--which we doubt--it was very +confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him again. + + * * * * * + +MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN. + + Beersheba gone, and Gaza too! + And lo! the British lion, + After a pause to comb his mane, + Is grimly padding off again, + Tail up, _en route_ for Zion. + + Yes, things are looking rather blue, + Just as in Mesopotamy; + My life-blood trickles in the sand; + My veins run dry; I cannot stand + Much more of this phlebotomy. + + In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry, + Sick as a mule with glanders; + Too busy--selfish swine--is he + With winning ground in Italy + And losing it in Flanders. + + His missives urge me not to fly + But use the utmost fury + To hold these Christian dogs at bay + And for his sake to block the way + To his belovéd Jewry. + + "My feet," he wired, "have trod those scenes; + Within the walls of Salem + My sacred presence deigned to dwell, + And I should hate these hounds of hell + To be allowed to scale 'em. + + "So do your best to give them beans + (You have some ammunition?), + And at a less congested date + I will arrive and consecrate + Another German mission." + + That's how he wires, alternate days, + But sends no troops to trammel + The foe that follows as I bump + Across Judæa on the hump + Of my indifferent camel. + + Well, I have tried all means and ways, + But seldom fail to foozle 'em; + And now if WILLIAM makes no sign + (This is his funeral more than mine) + The giaours can have Jerusalem. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE SUGAR FIEND. + +"I will have a cup of tea," I said to the waitress, "China if +possible; and please don't forget the sugar." + +"Yes, and what will you eat with I it?" she asked. + +"What you please," I replied; "it is all horrible." + +I do not take kindly to war-time teas. My idea of a tea is several +cups of the best China, with three large lumps of sugar in each, and +half-a-dozen fancy-cakes with icing sugar all over them and cream in +the middle, and just a few cucumber sandwiches for the finish. (This +does sound humorous, no doubt, but I seek no credit for it. Humour +used to depend upon a sense of proportion. It now depends upon memory. +The funniest man in England at the present moment is the man who has +the most accurate memory for the things he was doing in the early +summer of 1914). + +The loss of the cakes I could bear stoically enough if they would +leave my tea alone, or rather if they would allow me a reasonable +amount of sugar for it. However, we are an adaptable people and there +are ways in which even the sugar paper-dish menace can be met. My own +plan, here offered freely to all my fellow-sufferers, provides an +admirable epitome of War and Peace. The sugar allowance being about +half what it ought to be, I take half of the cup unsweetened, thus +tasting the bitterness of war, and then I put in the sugar and bask +in the sunshine of peace. + +On this particular occasion peace was on the point of being declared +when I found my attention irresistibly compelled by the man sitting +opposite to me, the only other occupant of my table. At first I +thought of asking him not to stare at me so rudely, and then I found +that he was not looking at me but over my shoulder at some object at +the end of the room. I can resist the appeal of three hundred people +gazing into the sky at the same moment, but the intense concentration +of this man was too much for me. I turned round. Seeing nothing +unusual I turned back again, but it was too late. My sugar had +gone! No trace of it anywhere, except in the bubbles that winked +suspiciously on the surface of the miscreant's tea. + +His face did not belong to any of the known criminal types. It was a +pale, dreamy, garden-suburb sort of face--a face you couldn't possibly +give in charge, except, perhaps, under the Military Service Acts. + +"Do you know," I said to him, "that you have just committed one of the +most terrible offences open to civilised mankind--a crime even worse +(Heaven help me if I exaggerate) than trampling on an allotment?" + +"Oh, I'm sorry!" he replied, waking from his dream. "Did you want that +sugar? You know, you seemed to be getting on very well without it." + +As I could not believe him to be beyond the reach of pity, I explained +my method to him, describing as harrowingly as I could the joy of +those first few moments after the declaration of peace. I suggested to +him that he might sometimes find it useful himself, if ever he should +be compelled to sit at an unoccupied table. ("_Touché_," he murmured, +raising his hat). "And now," I concluded, "as I have told you my +system, perhaps you will tell me yours--not for imitation, but for +avoidance." + +"There is very little to tell," he replied sorrowfully, "but it is +tragic enough. All my life I have been fond of sugar. Before the war +I took always nine lumps to a cup of tea. (It was my turn to raise +my hat.) By a severe course of self-repression I have reduced it to +seven, but I cannot get below that. I have given up the attempt. There +are a hundred cures for the drink habit; there is not one for the +sugar habit. As I cannot repress the desire, I have had to put all my +energy into getting hold of sugar. I noticed some time ago that at +these restaurants they give the sugar allowance to all customers who +ask for tea or coffee, although perhaps twenty per cent. of them do +not take sugar at all. It is these people who supply me with the extra +sugar I need. In your case it was an honest mistake. I always wait to +see if people are proposing to use their sugar before I appropriate +it." + +"But if you only take from the willing," I inquired, "why do you not +ask their permission?" + +"I suppose I have given you the right to ask me that question," he +replied with much dignity, "but it is painful to me to have to answer +it. I have not yet sunk so low that I have to beg people for their +cast-off sugar. I may come to it in the end, perhaps. At present the +'earnest gaze' trick is generally sufficient, or, where it fails, a +kick on the shin. But I hate cruelty." + +"Physical cruelty," I suggested. + +"No, any kind of cruelty. I have said that in your case I made a +mistake. If I could repair it I would." + +"Well," I said, "here's something you can do towards it, although it's +little enough." And I handed him the ticket the waitress had written +out for me. "And now I'll go and get a cup of tea somewhere." + +"One moment," he said, as I rose to go. "We may meet again." + +"Never!" I said firmly. + +"Ah, but we may, I have a number of disguises. Let me suggest +something that will make another mistake of this kind impossible." + +"I am not going to give up my plan," I said. + +"No, don't," he answered; "but _why not drink the sugared half +first?_" + + * * * * * + +Extract from an official letter received "Somewhere in France":-- + + "It must be clearly understood that the numbers shown under the + heading, 'Awaiting Leave' will be the number of all ranks who have + not had leave to the United Kingdom since last arrival in this + country, whether such arrival was their last return from Leave, + or their last arrival in France." + +And the Authorities are still wondering why the "Awaiting Leave" list +tallied so exactly with the daily strength. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GREAT INCENTIVE. MEHMED (_reading despatch from the +All-Highest_). "'DEFEND JERUSALEM AT ALL COSTS FOR MY SAKE. I WAS ONCE +THERE MYSELF.'"] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +The ammunition columns on either flank provide us with plenty of +amusement. They seem to live by stealing each other's mules. My +line-guards tell me that stealthy figures leading shadowy donkeys are +crossing to and fro all night long through my lines. The respective +C.O.'s, an Australian and an Irishman, drop in on us from time to time +and warn us against each other. I remain strictly neutral, and so far +they have respected my neutrality. I have taken steps toward this end +by surrounding my horses with barbed wire and spring guns, tying bells +on them and doubling the guard. + +Monk, the Australian, dropped in on us two or three days ago. "That +darn Sinn Feiner is the limit," said he; "lifted my best moke off me +last night while I was up at the batteries. He'd pinch BALAAM'S ass." +We murmured condolences, but Monk waived them aside. "Oh, it's quite +all right. I wasn't born yesterday, or the day before for that matter. +I'll make that merry Fenian weep tears of blood before I've finished. +Just you watch." + +O'Dwyer, the merry Fenian, called next day. + +"Give us a dhrink, brother-officers," said he, "I'm wake wid +laughter." + +We asked what had happened. + +"Ye know that herrin'-gutted bush-ranger over yonder? He'd stale the +milk out of your tea, he would, be the same token. Well, last night he +got vicious and took a crack at my lines. I had rayson to suspect he'd +be afther tryin' somethin' on, so I laid for him. I planted a certain +mule where he _could_ stale it an' guarded the rest four deep. Begob, +will ye believe me, but he fell into the thrap head-first--the poor +simple divil." + +"But he got your mule," said Albert Edward, perplexed. + +"Shure an' he did, you bet he did--he got old Lyddite." + +Albert Edward and I were still puzzled. + +"Very high explosive--hence name," O'Dwyer explained. + +"Dear hearrts," he went on, "he's got my stunt mule, my family +assassin! That long-ear has twenty-three casualties to his credit, +including a Brigadier. I have to twitch him to harness him, side-line +him to groom him, throw him to clip him, and dhrug him to get him +shod. Perceive the jest now? Esteemed comrade Monk is afther pinchin' +an infallable packet o' sudden death, an' he don't know it--yet." + +"What's the next move?" I inquired. + +"I'm going to lave him there. Mind you I don't want to lose the old +moke altogether, because, to tell the truth, I'm a biteen fond of him +now that I know his thricks, but I figure Mr. Monk will be a severely +cured character inside a week, an' return the beastie himself with +tears an' apologies on vellum so long." + +I met O'Dwyer again two days later on the mud track. He reined up his +cob and begged a cigarette. + +"Been havin' the fun o' the worrld down at the dressin'-station +watchin' Monk's casualties rollin' in," said he. "Terrible spectacle, +'nough to make a sthrong man weep. Mutual friend Monk lookin' 'bout as +genial as a wet hen. This is goin' to be a wondherful lesson to him. +See you later." He nudged his plump cob and ambled off, whistling +merrily. + +But it was Monk we saw later. He wormed his long corpse into "_Mon +Repos_" and sat on Albert Edward's bed laughing like a tickled hyena. +"Funniest thing on earth," he spluttered. "A mule strayed into my +lines t'other night and refused to leave. It was a rotten beast, a +holy terror; it could kick a fly off its ears and bite a man in half. +I don't mind admitting it played battledore and what's-'is-name with +my organisation for a day or two, but out of respect for O'Dwyer, +blackguard though he is, I ..." + +"Oh, so it was O'Dwyer's mule?" Albert Edward cut in innocently. + +Monk nodded hastily. "Yes, so it turned out. Well, out of respect +for O'Dwyer I looked after it as far as it would allow me, naturally +expecting he'd come over and claim it--but he didn't. On the fourth +day, after it had made a light breakfast off a bombardier's ear and +kicked a gap in a farrier, I got absolutely fed up, turned the damn +cannibal loose and gave it a cut with a whip for godspeed. It made +off due east, cavorting and snorting until it reached the tank-track; +there it stopped and picked a bit of grass. Presently along comes a +tank, proceeding to the fray, and gives the mule a poke in the rear. +The mule lashes out, catching the tank in the chest, and then goes on +with his grazing without looking round, leaving the tank for dead, as +by all human standards it should have been, of course. But instead of +being dead the box of tricks ups and gives the donk another butt and +moves on. That roused the mule properly. He closed his eyes and laid +into the tank for dear life; you could hear it clanging a mile away. + +"After delivering two dozen of the best, the moke turned round to +sniff the cold corpse, but the corpse was still warm and smiling. Then +the mule went mad and set about the tank in earnest. He jabbed it in +the eye, upper-cut it on the point, hooked it behind the ear, banged +its slats, planted his left on the mark and his right on the solar +plexus, but still the tank sat up and took nourishment. + +"Then the donkey let a roar out of him and closed with it; tried +the half-Nelson, the back heel, the scissors, the roll, and the +flying-mare; tried Westmoreland and Cumberland style, collar and +elbow, Cornish, Græco-Roman, scratch-as-scratch-can and Ju-jitsu. +Nothing doing. Then as a last despairing effort he tried to charge +it over on its back and rip the hide off it with his teeth. + +"But the old tank gave a 'good-by ee' cough of its exhaust and rumbled +off as if nothing had happened, nothing at all. I have never seen +such a look of surprise on any living creature's face as was on that +donk's. He sank down on his tail, gave a hissing gasp and rolled over +stone dead. Broken heart." + +"Is that the end?" Albert Edward inquired. + +"It is," said Monk; "and if you go outside and look half-right you'll +see the bereaved Mr. O'Dwyer, all got up in sack-cloth, cinders +and crêpe rosettes, mooning over the deceased like a dingo on an +ash-heap." PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Aunt Maria_. "DO YOU KNOW I ONCE ACTUALLY SAW THE +KAISER RIDING THROUGH THE STREETS OF LONDON AS BOLD AS BRASS. IF I'D +KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I'D HAVE TOLD A POLICEMAN."] + + * * * * * + +"FOR THE DURATION ..." + + "The forenoon service in the Parish Church will be at 11 o'clock + instead of 11.15 on Sunday first, and will continue till further + orders."--_Scottish Paper_. + + * * * * * + +AID FOR THE MILITARY POLICE. + + "The recruiting hut which is being erected in Trafalgar Square in + connection with the campaign undertaken by the Ministry of Labour + to recruit women for the Women's Army Auxiliary Cops will shortly + be completed."--_Sunday Pictorial_. + + * * * * * + + "She was visited occasionally by a man of foreign appearance, who + was believed to be her bother-in-law."--_Ipswich Evening Star_. + +Probably one of those "strained relations" we so often read about. + + * * * * * + + "My Correspondent's bona fides are above suspicion."--_"The + Clubman" in "The Pall Matt Gazette."_ + +One good fide deserves another, but of course the more the merrier. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Keen Motorist _(who has temporarily taken to +push-biking, to leisurely fowl which has brought him low)_. "JUST +YOU WAIT TILL THEY REMOVE THESE PETROL RESTRICTIONS."] + + * * * * * + +INVITATION. + + If you will come and stay with us you shall not want for ease; + We'll swing you on a cobweb between the forest trees; + And twenty little singing-birds upon a flowering thorn + Shall hush you every evening and wake you every morn. + + If you will come and stay with us you need not miss your school; + A learned toad shall teach you, high-perched upon his stool; + And he will tell you many things that none but fairies know-- + The way the wind goes wandering and how the daisies grow. + + If you will come and stay with us you shall not lack, my dear, + The finest fairy raiment, the best of fairy cheer; + We'll send a million glow-worms out, and slender chains of light + Shall make a shining pathway--then why not come to-night? + + R.F. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS FARE IN WAR-TIME. + + "Whatever the dinner be like, we can still have our fill of + holly and mistletoe."--_Star_. + + * * * * * + +IMITATION AIR-RAIDS. + +Mr. Punch is glad to note that some real efforts are being made to +meet the public needs in this matter on nights when there is no attack +by the enemy. + +In particular the owners of certain large warehouses have come forward +in a spirited manner by giving directions for the banging of large +folding-doors at suitable (irregular) hours. Private individuals +also, especially when returning home late at night, can do something +in the way of supplying entertainment for nervous residents in the +neighbourhood. Much is expected, too, of the large dairy companies, +who, by their control of vast numbers of heavy milk-cans, are in a +peculiarly favoured position. By the manipulation of these vessels on +a stone floor a very complete imitation of a raid can be produced. +A good deal, of course, can be done by any ordinary householder. "I +have had great fun," one correspondent writes, "with a very deliberate +and heavily-striking Dutch clock, which I have lately put against my +party-wall. My neighbour's family frequently jump up and run for the +basement. When they get used to the thing I shall give the other side +a turn." + + * * * * * + +THE FIRE-DRILL. + +Once a month, as laid down in "Orders for Auxiliary Hospitals for +Officers," or some such document, we practise fire-drill. This +consists of escaping from upper windows by means of precarious +canvas chutes. The only people exempted from this ceremony are Mrs. +Ropes--who watches with great delight from a safe distance--and +Sister, who stands sternly at the top to make sure (a) that those +patients who don't want to go down do go down, and (b) that those +patients who do want to go down don't go down more than once. No +excuses are taken. The fixed ration is one slither per chute per +person. + +We had this month's rehearsal last Tuesday. The patients were put +through it first, Major Stanley--to his great disgust--being chosen +to lead the way and set his juniors an example. He was told that it +was possible, by sticking out his elbows, to go down as slowly as he +liked; but he must have done it wrong somehow, for he disappeared with +startling suddenness the instant he let go the window-sill, and almost +simultaneously his boots shot out at the other end and doubled Dutton +the butler up so badly that he had to be taken away and reinflated. + +Haynes, who came next, insisted on first making his dying speech from +the window, for, as he pointed out to Sister, when people allowed +themselves to be inserted alive into machines of this type there was +every likelihood of their reappearing at the other end in the form of +sausages. Seymour handed Sister a bulky package labelled "WILL" before +starting, and most of us managed to be mildly humorous in some way or +other. + +Mrs. Ropes, on the lawn, enjoyed it all immensely; and so did Ansell, +who was standing beside her with an air of detachment. Sister's eagle +eye singled him out. + +"Come along, Mr. Ansell," she called. "I see you--your turn next. No +shirking." + +"I'm not in this, Sister," he answered loftily. + +"Oh, indeed! And why not?" + +"Because I sleep on the verandah. If there's a fire I simply get out +of bed and step into the garden." + +"Oh, no, you don't," put in Seymour. "That would be entirely contrary +to regulations. The official method of escaping from burning buildings +is down the official chute. In case of fire your correct procedure +will be to double smartly upstairs, commend your soul to Providence in +a soldier-like manner, and toboggan smartly down." + +(Have I mentioned that Seymour is an Adjutant?) + +"That's right, Captain Seymour," said Sister from above. "Bring him +up under escort if necessary." + +After the patients came Miss Ropes, and after her the domestic staff, +beginning with the less valuable members and working up gradually to +Dutton and Cook. It was possible to trace the progress of the younger +and slighter maids by a swiftly-descending squeal, while that of the +more portly was visible as a leisurely protuberance. At last Cook +was the only one left--Dutton was not feeling quite up to performing +the journey. She was a new cook, and very precious. She had all the +generous proportions of her profession, and with them went a placid +temper and a great sense of personal dignity. + +"Oh, Cook," said Miss Ropes, "_you_ needn't go down, you know, unless +you want to." + +There are times when official regulations must be sacrificed to +diplomacy. But Cook was in high good humour, and quite determined on +doughty deeds. Miss Ropes said no more. + +The task of getting a wide cook into a narrow canvas tube proved quite +unexpectedly difficult; and, when it was accomplished, so far from +sticking out her elbows as brakes, she had to press them close to her +sides in order to move at all. With the aid of a friendly pressure +applied to the top of her head by Sister she got slowly under way. The +chute bulged portentously. The bulge travelled a few feet; then it +stuck and became violently agitated. Sister clutched at the top of the +chute, while Dutton hung manfully on to the other end. + +"Don't struggle," said Sister in a stern professional voice. "Keep +your arms still, and you'll come down all right." A muffled screaming +and a dangerously increased agitation of the chute was the only reply. +Cook had quite lost her head and was having violent hysterics. Three +or four of us raced upstairs to aid Sister in keeping the top end +of the apparatus from jerking free, while several more went to the +assistance of the flustered Dutton. + +Cook ceased to struggle for a moment, but only through exhaustion; +for when Sister seized the opportunity to repeat her advice a fresh +paroxysm came on, and everybody "stood to" at their posts again. Miss +Ropes conceived the idea of attaching a cord to Cook's armpits and +hauling her up again by main force. She dashed into the house, and +found a demoralised kitchen-maid calling incoherently for help down +the telephone. + +Meanwhile Cook had had her worst spasm. We hung grimly on to the +chute, dismally confident that something would have to give way soon. +Suddenly there was a rending sound; the seam of the canvas ripped open +and a gaping slit appeared, through which Cook's freed arm flapped +wildly. Then the arm disappeared as the body to which it was attached +gathered momentum; and when Miss Ropes appeared with a length of cord +she was just in time to see her retainer return to the world--alive, +but practically inside out. + +As soon as Cook recovered her breath it was apparent that her temper +was no longer placid. Forgetting entirely that it was by her own +choice that she had made the trip, she gave us all to understand +that she believed the whole incident to have been specially arranged +for her humiliation. She gave notice on the spot, and staggered +indignantly to the house to pack her box, leaving her employer once +again face to face with the Servant Problem. + + * * * * * + +THE ARTISETTE. + + (_An Engineering School for Women + has been started in Scotland._) + + What if my lady should appear + In a mechanic's grimy gear? + I shall not squeamishly decline + To figure at her shrine. + + If Vulcan's smoky sway precludes + An assignation in the woods, + I shall not linger less elate + Outside the foundry gate. + + When she knocks off at eventide + I'll flutter fondly to her side, + And demonstrate that grease and oil + Can't loosen love's sweet coil. + + Most tenderly my tongue shall wag + To Amaryllis on the slag, + Whilst I endeavour to confine + Her horny hand in mine. + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL. + + "Pat. Don't be disappointed. Nothing amis. Iris."--_Calcutta + Statesman_. + +Only a letter gone astray. + + * * * * * + + "Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let, outside + air radius."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +A little suffocating, perhaps. + + * * * * * + + "If a million quarter acres in the country were left uncultivated, + the result would be that a quarter of a million acres would be + left uncultivated."--_Scotch Paper_. + +Examined and found correct. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:-- + + "In that ouse Capital was very fully represented--he thought + over-represented."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the capital out. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HIGHWAYMAN. + +"TAXI! TAXI!" + +"WHAT ABAHT IT?" + +"I WANT TO GO TO HAMPSTEAD." + +"DO YER?" + +"I'LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL FARE." + +"DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN' I'LL TAKE YER--'ALF-WAY." + +"AN', MIND YER, I WOULDN'T 'AVE BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I +'APPENED TO 'AVE BIN COMIN' ANY'OW. I LIVE UP 'ERE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_returning to France in heavy sea_). +"I--HOPE--TO--HEAVENS--THE NEXT--WAR THEY HAVE--WILL--BE--IN +ENGLAND."] + + * * * * * + +NIGHTMARES. + +I. + + OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE WAR + CORRESPONDENT OF "THE DAILY MAIL" FOR A LITERAL TRANSLATION + OF THE CÆSAR'S _DE BELLO GALLICO_. + +"_Omnis Gallia in tres partes divisa est._" Is it fanciful to say of +the three parts into which all Gaul is divided that by their colours +may they be known, the blue, the brown and the ghastly, ghoulish, +intolerable, bestial, but, thank God, passing, grey? Yes, thank God, +the blight of greyness cannot last long; even now the scabrous plague +is being burnt up and swept back and overwhelmed by the resistless +flood, eager yet cautious, persistent yet fiery, of the blue and the +brown. Hideous, pitiable, soul-searing are the scars that it leaves in +its mephitic wake, but the cleansing tide of the brown and the blue +sweeps on, and the healing wand of time waves over them, and soon the +shell-holes and the waste places and the abominations of desolation +are covered with little flowers--or would be if it were Spring. + +The Spring! No one knows what depth of meaning lies in that little +word for our brave fellows, what intensity of hopes and fears and +well-nigh intolerable yearnings it awakens beneath the cheery +insouciance of their exteriors; no one, that is, except me. They tell +me about it as they pass back, privates and generals, war-hardened +veterans and boys of nineteen with the youth in their eyes not yet +drowned by the ever-increasing encroachments of the war-devil; all +are alike in their cheerful determination to see this grim and bloody +business of fighting to an honourable end, and alike, too, in that +their souls turn frankly, as might children's, for refreshment and +relief to the kindly breast and simple beauties of Mother Nature. + +The key-note of their attitude is given in the sentence, spoken +dreamily and as if in forgetfulness of my presence, by a Corporal of +the R.G.A. as I cleaned his boots--it was an honour. "The blue--the +blue--the blue--and the white!" + +He was gazing skywards. I could see nothing but grey clouds, but I +knew that his young eyes were keener than mine, that he had learnt to +look into the inmost heart of things in that baptism of fire, that +travail of freedom, where desolation blossoms and hell sprouts like a +weed. Through the grey he could discern the triumph of the blue and +the white of peace, when the work of the brown shall be done. It was +an allegory. More he told me, too, in his simple country speech, so +good to hear in a foreign land: of the daisies in the yard at home, +of the dandelions on the lawn, of his pet pig: things too sacred to +repeat here. And he told me that the great event on the Front now is +the Autumn glory of the trees. Then he departed, and as he went he +broke into deep-throated, Homeric laughter, and I--I understood: he +was mocking Death. Even thus does laughter yap at the heels of that +dishonoured king out here. + + * * * * * + +TO THE BOOD. + +A SODDET. + + [Our poet has caught a severe cold through + having spent the night in the cellar.] + + BOOD, whose autubdal spleddour, as of dood, + Shides od frob set of sud to dawdigg bord, + Gradt be this bood, o bood, to calb by bood + With agodisigg apprehedsiod tord, + + Illube dot with thy beabs the biddight burk, + Whed through the gloob the Huddish biscreadts + Cobe sdeakigg, bedt od their idhubad work + Of bobbigg slubberigg dod-cobbatadts. + + Or if thy labbedt gleabs thou bayst dot blidd, + Thed bay they aid our airbed add our guds; + Its bark bay every barkigg bissile fidd, + Bay dought be dode abiss, dor dode be duds. + + So bayst thou baffle burderous WILLIAB'S plad, + Add all attebts of that bad badbad bad. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVILEGED DISLOYALTY. + +FIRST TRAITOR. "HOW ARE WE TO PUSH OUR PROPAGANDA PAST THE CENSOR?" + +SECOND TRAITOR. "NOTHING EASIER. GET THE RIGHT KIND OF QUESTIONS ASKED +IN PARLIAMENT; THERE'S NOBODY TO STOP _THEM_ FROM BEING PUBLISHED."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 5th._--By way of celebrating Guy Fawkes Day the +Government announced their intention of compensating, up to a limit of +five hundred pounds, any householder whose property has been damaged +in air-raids. How soon he will cage his "monkey" will depend upon the +Treasury, which is morbidly anxious lest in its transactions _bis dat +qui cito dat_ should be literally illustrated. + +[Illustration: "Forgetting the claims of Glasgow." MR. WATT.] + +The official price of potatoes is still unsettled. According to his +own statement the FOOD CONTROLLER is only waiting for the decision of +the War Cabinet. "On the contrary," said Mr. LAW, "the Cabinet is only +waiting for Lord RHONDDA." It seems to be another case of the Earl of +CHATHAM and Sir RICHAUD STRACHAN; and in the meantime the potatoes are +rotting. + +Provided that no scarcity of gas for other purposes is caused +the Government see no objection to its use for the propulsion of +motor-cars. On receiving this information Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING at +once ordered a Zeppelin attachment to his famous torpedo-shaped car. +No other gas-consumer will suffer, as he is prepared to keep the +apparatus inflated from his own retorts. + +By the scheme of the Boundary Commissioners, the roll of the Commons, +already a hundred per cent. too big for its accommodation, is to be +increased by some thirty Members. Various suggestions for enabling the +new-comers to assist at debates have been proposed. "Dug-outs" under +the existing benches, whence they could poke out their heads between +the legs of other Members, and "painters' cradles" depending from the +ceiling, or the galleries, are among the most popular. + +In the circumstances it is not surprising that the HOME SECRETARY +strenuously resisted the proposal of the London representatives to +give another couple of Members to "the hub of the universe," as Mr. +WATT, momentarily forgetting the claims of Glasgow, handsomely called +it. Among a number of minor concessions, Mr. THEODORE TAYLOR'S plea +that Batley should be associated with Morley "because they have had +many a tussle at cricket" could not be resisted. + +_Tuesday, November 6th._--A statement that the great War Savings +meeting at the Albert Hall cost £3,500, chiefly for the expenses of +delegates, shocked the thrifty conscience of Mr. HOGGE, who hoped Mr. +BALDWIN would discourage the PRIME MINISTER'S meetings if they were so +expensive. Mr. BALDWIN did not condescend to answer him or he might +have observed that the delegates in question were voluntary workers +who by their exertions had helped to raise over a hundred millions for +the prosecution of the War. + +Mr. TILLETT, the newly-elected Member for North Salford, took his +seat, and there was general cheering as, under the safe-conduct of two +amply-proportioned friends, Little Ben was introduced to Big Ben. + +[Illustration: THE NEW RECRUIT. SIR JOHN SIMON.] + +When Mr. BALFOUR informed Mr. JOWETT at Question-time that the only +commitments of Great Britain to France are contained in the Treaty of +Alliance of September 5th, 1914, which has been duly published, he +knocked the foundation from under the subsequent peace-debate. But +that did not prevent Mr. LEES SMITH from making a long speech, on the +assumption that by promising to help France to recover her ravished +provinces we had improperly extended the objects of the war. Mr. +MCCURDY, who shares with Mr. LEES SMITH the representation of +Northampton, plainly hinted that if his colleague cared to visit his +constituents they would be delighted to present him with a specimen of +the local manufacture. + +The speeches of Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. ASQUITH, though well worth +hearing, were hardly needed to complete the rout of the Pacifists; +and, in the division on the Closure, the men who are prepared (in Mr. +FABER'S pungent phrase) "to take the bloody hand of Germany" made a +very poor muster. + +_Wednesday, November 7th._--I am inclined to echo Lord SALISBURY'S +regret that Labour has no direct representative in the Upper House. +The proletarian peer, if there were one, would have been both +surprised and delighted to hear how the non-proletarians, without +exception, spoke of his class. + +My imaginary peer would have been especially edified by the speech of +Lord MILNER, whom a small but noisy section of the Press persists in +describing as more Prussian than the Prussians. Not under-estimating +the difficulties in the way of a frank and full understanding between +Capital and Labour, he nevertheless believed that they would be +overcome, because he had an abiding faith in the mass of his +fellow-countrymen. Not quite what one expects of a British Junker, is +it? + +_Thursday, November 8th._--When tonnage is so scarce it seems odd that +room can still be found for consignments of wild animals. Mr. PETO +drew attention to a coming cargo, including two hundred avadavats, the +little birds about which _Joseph Surface_ was so contemptuous, and six +hundred monkeys--"sufficient," as he pleasantly observed, "to fill +this House." + +For once Mr. BILLING expressed a widely-held opinion when he +questioned the propriety, in present circumstances, of holding the +LORD MAYOR'S Banquet. Mr. BONAR LAW'S solemn assurance that he only +accepted the invitation on the distinct understanding that the feast +would fall completely within the FOOD CONTROLLER'S regulations, was +not altogether convincing. Members were anxious to know the exact +dimensions that Lord RHONDDA has laid down for the turtle-ration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Onlooker_ (_at a Company exhibition, to the better +man_). "HERE, LAAD, NOT SO MOOCH OF IT. WE'M SHORT O' SOJERS IN OUR +COOMPANY, DOAN'T THEE FORGET!"] + + * * * * * + +GILBERT. + +We are all very fond of Gilbert. There are, however, one or two things +about him which even his best friends will admit make it hard for us +at times to remember how much we really love him. Sometimes he seems +almost too good to be true. Yet I have known wet horrible days in the +trenches when the sight of him coming smiling down the line, exuding +efficiency and enthusiasm at every pore, has made his fellow-officers +positively dislike him. + +For, alas, he is one of those dear overzealous fellows whom in moments +of depression we stigmatise as "hearty." He has even been known to +be hearty at breakfast; to come trampling into the dug-out with that +blinking old smile on his face, expressing immense satisfaction with +life in general at the top of a peculiarly robust voice; to tread on +his captain's toes and slap his next-door neighbour heartily on the +back, and then to explain to a swearing and choking audience how +splendidly he has slept, and what a topping day it is going to be. + +Never has Gilbert been known to spend a bad night; he is one of those +fortunate animals who can go to sleep standing and at five minutes' +notice, and start snoring at once. If you try to sleep anywhere near +him, you dream of finding yourself in Covent Garden station, trying to +board endless trains which roar through without stopping--that's the +kind of snore it is. + +And now it is time I told my story. + +It happened many years ago, when the War was young and the Bosch +comparatively aggressive; when our big guns fired once every other +Sunday and we lived precarious lives in holes in the ground. Our +Brigadier, a conscientious soldier of the old school, was dodging +round our line of trenches, and had just reached the sector allotted +to my company, which was also Gilbert's, when the distant buzz that +generally means an aeroplane overhead made itself distinctly heard. + +"Can you spot him?" said the General to his Brigade-major; "one of +theirs, I suppose?" + +Now it is as much as a Brigade-Major's job is worth to confess +ignorance at such a crisis. So, after sweeping the skies fruitlessly +with his glasses and listening intelligently to the steady drone, he +said, "Yes!" with as much conviction as possible. + +"Heads down," said the General sharply, "and don't move. Pass it +down." And by way of example he sat heavily on my periscope and stayed +gazing at the ground like a fakir lost in meditation. + +Meanwhile the message was passed along, and the trench became silent +as the grave. I was informed a few days later that it reached the +outer battalion of the next brigade later on in the morning, and was +popularly supposed to have reached Switzerland the same evening. + +For about five minutes the droning continued ("Having a good look at +us," said the Brigade-major in a sepulchral whisper) and then suddenly +ceased with what I can only describe as an appalling snort. Almost +simultaneously a tousled head was thrust out of a dug-out almost +into the great man's face, and Gilbert's cheerful roar was heard by +a scandalised company. + +"Had a topping sleep. What's the time, someone?" + + * * * * * + + "Best milch cows have been sold recently for £60 in the Isle + of Wight. At a meeting of the Cowes Council it was stated + that at Chichester cows had sold for £73 each."--_Times_. + +And now that the Isle of Wight milkers have held their indignation +meeting it is expected that the anomaly will be removed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE UP!] + + * * * * * + +PETER, THE TEMPTER. + +Necessity does not make stranger bedfellows than some of the changes +brought about by War. Who, for example--and certainly not such a born +sun-worshipper as I--would ever have dreamt that a time would come +when we in London and the Eastern counties would desire rain and wind +with a passionate keenness once reserved solely for fine weather? Yet +so it is. By reason of that foolish invention of flying we now, when +we go to the window in the morning and lift the blind, are dashed and +darkly thoughtful if no sky of grey scudding misery meets our gaze. +"Please Heaven it pours!" we say. Just think of it--"Please Heaven it +pours!" What a treachery! It may even come that we include prayers for +storms in the Liturgy. + +In default of bad weather we may have to Take Cover; and it is when +we Take Cover that discoveries begin and long-postponed adventures +fructify. For years and years, for example, I had looked down that +steep hill by the Tivoli site in the Strand into the yawning cavern +that opens there, and wondered about it. I had thought one day to +explore it, but had never done so, any more than I have yet proceeded +further towards a visit to the Roman Bath, also off the Strand, than +to threaten it. + +But I shall get to the Bath yet, because already, thanks to the +intervention of the Hun, I have become intimately acquainted with +Lower Robert Street, and the next step is simple. + +In the ordinary way, short of desperate impulse and decision--unless +by some happy chance I had relinquished the burden of this pen and +taken happy service with one of the wine merchants who store their +treasure there--I should never have entered Lower Robert Street at +all, for it goes nowhere and runs under the earth, and it is damp +and mouldy, and the only doors, leading to this vault and that, +are locked. But for all these disabilities Lower Robert Street is, +in Gotha and Zeppelin times, a very present help and refuge. There +assemble, with more or less fortitude and philosophy, the denizens +of the Adelphi, thankful indeed that the brothers Adam established +their streets and terrace on so useful a foundation; and there twice +recently have I joined them. And an odd assembly we have made, ranging +as we do from successful dramatists to needy journalists, with an +actress or so to keep us manly. + +There for long hours have we waited until the "All clear" has +sounded--or, at any rate, some have done so. As for myself, on the +last occasion, taking advantage of a lull in the uproar, I crept away +to bed, and, after falling into the sleep of exhaustion, had the +ironical experience of being rudely awakened by the reassuring bugles +and my night again ruined. + +Having taken cover only in Lower Robert Street, which is open to +all, I cannot with any personal knowledge speak of the camaraderie +of private basements; but I suppose that that exists and is another +of the War's byproducts. I take it that, in the event of a sudden +alarm, no householder with a cellar would be so inhuman as to +refuse admittance to a stranger, and already probably a myriad +new friendships and not a few engagements have resulted. Our own +camaraderie is admirable. The federation of the barrage breaks down +every obstacle; while a piece of shrapnel that one can display is more +valuable than any letter of introduction, no matter who wrote it. +Hence we all talk; and sometimes we sing too--choruses of the moment, +for the most part, in one of which the depth of our affection for our +maternal relative is measured and regulated by the floridity of the +roses growing on her porch. + +And yet, when at last friendliness is upon the town, there are +people--and not only alien Hebrews either--who have been hurrying away +from London! When London has become more interesting than ever before +in its history there are people who leave it! + +Personally I mean to cling to the old city as long as it will cling to +me; but even now across one's aching sight comes a "dream of pastime +premature" which shakes such resolves a little. Peter, for example, +has been having a disturbing effect on me. Only now and then, of +course--when I am not quite myself; when the two and thirty (what +remains of them) are not so firmly gritted as they should be; when +even London seems unworthy of devotion. + +But these moods pass. You will admit, though, that Peter has his lure. +I read about him in the _Tavistock Gazette_, one of the few papers, +I fancy, which does not belong to Lord NORTHCLIFFE; and this is +how the lyric (it is really a lyric, although it masquerades as an +advertisement) runs, not only in the paper but in my head: "To be +let, by Tender" (this is not an oath but some odd legal or commercial +term) "as and from Lady Day all that nice little PASTURE FARM known as +HIGHER CHURCH FARM, situate in the village of Peter Tavy." Now what +could be more unlike London under the German invasion and all that +nasty little tunnel known as Lower Robert Street, than Peter Tavy? + +But I must not be tempted. I must stick it out here. + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP À LA MODE. + +The mystification practised by authors who have passed off as their +own work the compositions of others is familiar to all literary +students. SHAKSPEARE'S assumption of borrowed plumes is of course +the classic example. But another and more subtle problem is the +interchange of functions between two men of letters; and the theory +recently advanced by the distinguished critic and occultist, Mr. +Pullar Leggatt, deserves at least a respectful hearing. + + * * * * * + +Briefly stated, it is that during his hermit existence at Putney +the late Mr. SWINBURNE effected an interchange of this sort with Sir +W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; the Editor of _The British Weekly_ devoting +himself to the composition of poems, while the poet assumed editorial +control of the famous newspaper. If the theory thus crudely stated +sounds somewhat fantastic the arguments on which it is based are +extraordinarily plausible if not convincing. + + * * * * * + +To begin with, experts in anagrams will not fail to notice that the +names ALGERNON SWINBURNE and W. ROBERTSON NICOLL contain practically +the same number of letters--absolutely the same if SWINBURNE is spelt +without an "e"--and that the forenames of both end in "-on," as does +also the concluding syllable of WATTS-DUNTON. The fact that the Editor +of _The British Weekly_ has never published any poems over his own +name only tends to confirm the theory, as the argument conclusively +establishes. + + * * * * * + +For it is impossible to believe that so versatile a polymath should +not at some time or other have courted the Muse, and if so, under what +name could he have had a stronger motive for publishing his poems than +that of SWINBURNE? So austere a theologian would naturally shrink from +revealing his excursions into the realms of poesy, and under this +disguise he was safe from detection. Lastly, while Sir W. ROBERTSON +NICOLL has always championed the Kailyard School, SWINBURNE lived +at The Pines. The connection is obvious; as thus: Kail, sea-kale, +sea-coal, coke, coker-nut, walnut, dessert, pine-apple, pine. + + * * * * * + +As regards SWINBURNE'S conduct of _The British Weekly_, it is enough +to point to such alliterative and melodious combinations as "Rambling +Remarks" and "Claudius Clear." The theological attitude of the paper +presents difficulties which are not so easy to overcome, but Mr. +Pullar Leggatt has promised to deal with this question later on. +Meanwhile the diplomatic silence maintained by Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL +and Mr. EDMUND GOSSE must not be interpreted as conveying either a +complete acceptance or a total rejection of this remarkable theory. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wounded Tommy_. "WILL YOU PLAY MENDELSSOHN'S 'SPRING +SONG,' PLEASE?" + +_Distinguished Pianist_ (_with a soul above Mendelssohn_). "I'M AFRAID +I CAN'T." + +_Tommy_. "IT IS A BIT OF A TEASER, AIN'T IT? TIES MY SISTER UP IN A +KNOT WHENEVER SHE TACKLES IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CRUMMLES. + +HERTLING "is not Prussian." + + * * * * * + +MY PYJAMAS. + +A STUDY IN THE FASTIDIOUS. + +I hope this is not going to be embarrassing. If so, it is not my +fault. This is history, please remember, not fiction. I wanted--I am +obliged to say it--pyjamas for winter wear. I know all about pyjamas +for summer wear; what I wanted was pyjamas for winter wear, and I +decided that Agnes should make them. For years I have been trying to +get proper pyjamas--by which I mean pyjamas properly made--but the +haberdasher always smiles depreciation and tells me that the goods he +offers me are what are always worn. Quite so; but what I say is that +out of bed and for the purpose of having your photograph taken Trade +pyjamas are all right; but that in bed they commit untold offences. I +enter my bed clothed; I settle down in it half-naked. The jacket has +run up to my arm-pits; my legs are bare to the knee; my arms to the +elbows; the loosely buttoned front is ruckled up into a funnel, down +which, whenever I move, the bedclothes like a bellows draw a chill +blast of air on to that particular part of my chest which is designed +for catching colds. When I turn over in my dreams I wake to find +myself tied as with ropes. Slumber's chains have indeed bound me. I am +a man in the clothing of a nightmare. The cold, cold sheets catch me +in the most ticklesome delicacies of my back and make me jump again. +Enough. + +"Well," said Agnes, "if I am going to make your pyjamas you must tell +me exactly what you want." + +"My pyjamas," I said, "shall be buttoned round the ankle and capacious +below the waist--there I ask a Turkish touch. The jacket shall be +buttoned at the wrists and baggy at the shoulder; at the chest it +shall strap me across like an R.F.C. tunic, and it shall be securely +clipped to the trousers." + +"Why not have it all in one?" + +"What!" I cried, "and parade hotel passages in search of the bath +looking like a clown out of a circus? No, thank you." + +"You must make me a pattern then," said Agnes, "or I shan't know what +to do." + +I can't make patterns, but I can, and I did, make plans of ground and +first-floor levels, a section and back and front elevations, all to a +scale of one inch to the foot exactly. I also made a full-size detail +of a toggle-and-cinch gear linking the upper storey to the lower. + +"I think," Agnes said, "you had better come to the shop and choose the +material." + +I thought so too. I wanted something gaudy that would make me feel +cheerful when I woke in the morning; but I also had another idea in +my mind. _Mangle-proof buttons_! Have the things been invented yet? + +The archbishop who attended to us deprecated the idea of india-rubber +buttons. + +"What kind are you now using?" he asked solicitously. + +"At present, on No. 2," I said, "I am using splinters of +mother-of-pearl. Last week, with No. 1, I used a steel ring hanging +by its rim to a shred of linen, two safeties, and a hairpin found on +the floor." + +I chose a flannel with broad green and violet stripes, and very large +buttons of vitrified brick which I hoped might break the mangle. These +buttons were emerald in colour and gave me a new idea. _Trimmings_. + +"I want to look right if the house catches fire," I told Agnes. "Green +sateen collar to match the buttons--" + +"And for the wristbands," said Agnes, catching my enthusiasm. + +"And for the wristbands," I agreed; "but," I added, "not at the +ankles. That would make the other people in the street expect me to +dance to them, and I don't know how to." + +And now the good work is complete. Toggle and cinch perform their +proud functions, and I sleep undisturbed by Arctic nightmares, for I +have substituted green ties for the stoneware buttons which reduced +my vitality by absorbing heat. My only trouble is my increasing +reluctance to rise in the morning. I don't like changing out of my +beautiful things so early in the day. I am beginning to want breakfast +in bed. + + * * * * * + +AT THE DUMP. + +(_LINES TO THE N.C.O. IN CHARGE._) + + Now is the hour of dusk and mist and midges, + Now the tired planes drone homeward through the haze, + And distant wood-fires wink behind the ridges, + And the first flare some timorous Hun betrays; + Now no shell circulates, but all men brood + Over their evening food; + The bats flit warily and owl and rat + With muffled cries their shadowy loves pursue, + And pleasant, Corporal, it is to chat + In this hushed moment with a man like you. + + How strange a spectacle of human passions + Is yours all day beside the Arras road, + What mournful men concerned about their rations + When here at eve the limbers leave their load, + What twilight blasphemy, what horses' feet + Entangled with the meat, + What sudden hush when that machine-gun sweeps, + And--flat as possible for men so round-- + The Quartermasters may be seen in heaps, + While you sit still and chuckle, I'll be bound! + + Here all men halt awhile and tell their rumours; + Here the young runners come to cull your tales, + How Generals talked with you, in splendid humours, + And how the Worcestershires have gone to Wales; + Up yonder trench each lineward regiment swings, + Saying some shocking things; + And here at dark sad diggers stand in hordes + Waiting the late elusive Engineer, + While glowing pipes illume yon notice-boards, + That say, "No LIGHTS. YOU MUST NOT LOITER HERE." + + And you sit ruminant and take no action, + But daylong watch the aeroplanes at play, + Or contemplate with secret satisfaction + Your fellow-men proceeding towards the fray; + Your sole solicitude when men report + There is a shovel short, + Or, numbering jealously your rusty store, + Some mouldering rocket, some wet bomb you miss + That was reserved for some ensuing war, + But on no grounds to be employed in this. + + For Colonels flatter you, most firm of warders, + For sandbags suppliant, and do no good, + And high Staff officers and priests in orders + In vain beleaguer you for bits of wood, + While I, who have nor signature nor chit, + But badly want a bit, + I only talk to you of these high themes, + Nor stoop to join the sycophantic choir, + Seeing (I trust) my wicked batman, Jeames, + Has meanwhile pinched enough to light my fire. + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_looking out of train on to darkened +platform_). "PORTER, IS THIS EDGWARE ROAD? I CAN'T SEE A THING." + +_Porter_ (_with Irish blood in her_). "NOT YET, M'M. EDGWARE ROAD'S +THE STATION BEFORE YOU GETS TO BAKER STHEET."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +"In a few days," says the puff preliminary of _The Coming_ (CHATTO +AND WINDUS), "you and all your friends will be reading and discussing +this most strange and prophetic novel." Perhaps. But what we shall +be saying about it depends largely, I suppose, upon our definition +of the term prophetic; also a little upon our feeling with regard to +good taste and the permissible in fiction. My own contribution will +be a sincere regret that a writer as gifted as Mr. J.C. SNAITH should +have attempted the obviously impossible. His theme, symbolised by a +wrapper-design of three figures silhouetted against a golden sunrise, +is a second advent of the Messiah, embodied in the person of a village +carpenter named (with palpable significance) _John Smith_, whom local +prejudice sends, not inexcusably, to a madhouse, where he dies, after +converting the inmates and instituting a campaign of universal peace. +Frankly, the chief interest of such a wildly fantastic idea lies in +watching just how far Mr. SNAITH can carry it without too flagrant +offence. That his treatment is both sincere and careful hardly lessens +my feeling that the whole attempt is one to be deplored. Humour of the +intentional kind has, of course, no place in the author's scheme. How +remote is its banishment you may judge when I tell you that the Divine +message is represented as given to mankind in the form of a wonderful +play, which instantly achieves world-wide fame, being performed by no +fewer than fifty companies in America alone. The problem (to name but +one) of the resulting struggle between plenary inspiration and the +conditions of a fit-up tour is only another proof of my contention +that there are more things in heaven and earth than can be treated +in realistic fiction, and that Mr. SNAITH'S good intentions have +unfortunately betrayed him into selecting the least possible. + + * * * * * + +If _Humphrey Thorncot_ and his sister _Edith_ had not bored one +another and grown touchy--I judge by their reported conversations--in +a house with green shutters in Chelsea, they would never have gone +to St. Elizabeth, which is a Swiss resort, and would never have met +the East-Prussian family of the _von Ludwigs_ in the year before the +War. And _Humphrey_ would never have fallen (temporarily) in love +with _Hulda von Ludwig_, nor would _Karl von Ludwig_ have fallen +(permanently) in love with _Edith Thorncot_. The troubles and miseries +of this latter couple are related by Mr. HUGH SPENDER in _The Gulf_ +(COLLINS). Papa _von Ludwig_ objects so violently to all this +love-making that he eventually succumbs to a regular East-Prussian +stroke of apoplexy which all but leads to a charge of parricide +against _Karl_ by his base brother, _Wilhelm_. _Karl_ is really too +good for this world. He objects to atrocities and refuses at the risk +of his own life to shoot innocent Belgian villagers. Being imprisoned, +he escapes by means of a secret sliding panel and an underground +passage which leads him, not immediately, but after many vicissitudes, +to America. There he is joined by his faithful _Edith_, who defies the +Gulf caused by the War, and marries him. Mr. SPENDER appears to have +been in some doubt as to whether he should write the story of two +souls or the history of the first few weeks of the War. Eventually +he elects to do both, and his novel consequently suffers somewhat in +grip. He certainly paints a very vivid picture of events in the first +period of active operations. May I hint a doubt, by the way, whether +in 1913 a French Professor would have mentioned HINDENBURG as one of +Germany's most important men? Whatever he may have been in Germany, +HINDENBURG was for the outside world a later discovery. + + * * * * * + +_Further Memories_ (HUTCHINSON) is justly called by its publishers +a "fascinating volume." The designation will not surprise those who +enjoyed the late Lord REDESDALE'S former book of recollections. The +present collection is a little haphazard (but none the worse for +that), its chapters ranging over such diverse subjects as Gardens +and Trees, QUEEN VICTORIA, BUDDHA, and the Commune. Certainly not +the least interesting is that devoted to the story of the Wallace +Collection, of which Lord REDESDALE was one of the trustees. His +account of the origin and devolution of the famous treasures will +invest them with a new interest in the happy days when they shall +again be visible. Mr. EDMUND GOSSE contributes a foreword to the +present volume, in which he draws a pathetic picture of the author, +still unconquerably young, despite his years, facing the future with +only one fear, that of the unemployment to which his increasing +deafness, and the break-up of the world as it was before the War, +seemed to be condemning him. _Further Memories_ was, we are told, +undertaken as some sort of a safeguard against this menace of +stagnation. It was a measure for which we may all be glad, as we can +share Mr. GOSSE'S thanksgiving that the writer's death, coming when +it did, saved him, as he had wished, "from all consciousness of +decrepitude." + + * * * * * + +When an unstable young wife, getting tired of a pedantic husband in +the way so familiar to students of novels, goes off with a companion +more to her taste, anyone can foresee trouble, or what would there be +to write about? When, further, her detestable lover, seeking change +and fearing the financial lash of his properly indignant parent, +terminates the arrangement, even an observer of real life can +guess that her return to her rightful lord and master must entail +disagreeables; but only a reader well brazened in modern fiction could +expect Don Juan promptly to make love to and marry the husband's +sister without a word of apology to anyone. This kind of rather +unsavoury dabbling in problems best left to themselves generally +concludes with the decease of most of the characters and a sort +of clearing up, and to this rule, after many years and pages of +discomfort, MARY E. MANN'S new story, _The Victim_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), is no exception. Not a very attractive programme, but all +the same the volume has one or two redeeming features. For one thing, +the sister is clearly and attractively drawn, and so is the picture on +the wrapper, though it represents no particular incident to be traced +in the pages of the volume which it adorns. Writing more strongly than +is perhaps her wont, Mrs. MANN has taken some trouble to emphasise the +fact that in these cases of uncontrolled passion the major penalty +of guilt is borne not by the offenders themselves but by the first +generation succeeding. This does need saying occasionally, I suppose, +and to that extent _The Victim_ redeems itself from the charge of +trivial unpleasantness. + + * * * * * + +Mr. J. RATH has really discovered a new type of heroine, new at least +this side the Atlantic. His farm-bred _Sadie_, a Buffalo shirt-packer, +classifies men by the sizes of their shirts, has no use for any +swain with a chest measurement under forty, and eventually in a most +original way finds her hero in _Mister 44_ (METHUEN), an enormous +Canadian engineer and sportsman. She is no chicken herself and has +a passion to be free of the city and out in the great open. _Sadie_ +is more than big; she is beautiful, burnished-copper-haired, sincere +and kind, and, though I think the author "gets this over" quite well +I liked her best before she found her man and her _Robinson Crusoe_ +adventures among the islands of Ontario, and was giving back chat to +the little foreman in the factory. Here she is a pure delight; and +in these days, when a knowledge of the American language may come in +handy at any moment, this amiable romance may well be recommended as +an attractive manual of first-aid in the matter. + + * * * * * + +Without professing to be a student of Mrs. DIVER'S books I know enough +about them to be worried by the commonplaceness of _Unconquered_ +(MURRAY). Like so many other authors she has succumbed to the lure +of the War-novel. There may be a public for tales of this kind, but +I have not yet read one that approaches artistic success. Here we +are spared nothing. _Sir Mark Forsyth_ goes to France in the early +days, is first of all reported "missing, believed killed," and then +officially reported "killed." Of course he turns up again, but such +a physical wreck that the minx whom he was to have married breaks +off the engagement. Naturally the sweet girl, friend of _Mark's_ +childhood, undertakes to fill the gap. The minx, _Bel Alison_, is so +scathingly drawn that from sheer perversity I found myself hunting +for one good point in her character; but without a find. On the other +hand, _Lady Forsyth_, _Mark's_ mother, and a quiet, capable man called +_Macnair_, are admirably put before us. Yet at best there remains +the conviction that the War is terribly real that these attempts to +romance about it are almost bound to be as superficial as they are +superfluous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DURING THE RAID. _Disappointed Player_. "HARD LINES! I +HAD AN EASY FIVE SHOT THAT WOULD HAVE RUN ME OUT."] + + * * * * * + + "Lost, between Ryde Pier and Southsea, Black Satin Bag, containing + keys and eyeglasses. Reward given."--_Portsmouth Paper_. + +A chance for the local mine-sweepers. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11428 *** diff --git a/11428-h/11428-h.htm b/11428-h/11428-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b870ba --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/11428-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2069 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 14, 1917, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11428 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Nov. 14, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> + <hr class="full" /> + <br /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 14, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page327" + id="page327"></a>[pg 327]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>People are asking, "Can there be a hidden brain in the + Foreign Office?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A German posing as a Swiss, and stated by the police to be + "a spy and a dangerous character," has been sentenced to six + months' imprisonment. The matter will be further investigated + pending his escape.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Three men were charged at Old Street last week with + attempting the "pot of tea" trick. The trick apparently + consists in finding a man with a pot of tea and giving him a + sovereign to go round the corner and buy a ham sandwich, the + thief meanwhile offering to hold the pot of tea. When the owner + returns the tea has, of course, vanished.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The increased consumption of bread, says Sir ARTHUR YAPP, is + due to the 9<i>d.</i> loaf. It would just serve us right if + bread cost 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a pound and there wasn't any, + like everything else.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It is all a matter of taste," says a correspondent of + <i>The Daily Mail</i>, "but I think parsnips are now at their + best." They may be looking their best, but the taste remains + the same.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Seventy tons of blackberries for the soldiers have been + gathered by school-children in Buckinghamshire. Arrangements + have been made for converting this fruit into plum-and-apple + jam.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Home Ruler" was the occupation given by a Chertsey woman on + her sugar-card application. The FOOD CONTROLLER states that + although this form of intimidation may work with the Government + it has no terrors for him.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Russian Minister of Finance anticipates getting a + revenue of forty million pounds from a monopoly of tea. It is + thought that he must have once been a grocer.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Law Courts are to be made available as an air-raid + shelter by day and night, and some of our revue proprietors are + already complaining of unfair competition.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Two survivors of the battle of Inkerman have been discovered + at Brighton. Their inactivity in the present crisis is most + unfavourably commented on by many of the week-end visitors.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A dolphin nearly eight feet in length has been landed by a + boy who was fishing at Southwold. Its last words were that it + hoped the public would understand that it had only heard of the + food shortage that morning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Captain OTTO SVERDRUP, the Arctic explorer, has returned his + German decorations. Upon hearing this the KAISER at once gave + orders for the North Pole to be folded up and put away.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A certain number of cold storage eggs at sixpence each are + being released in Berlin and buyers are urged to "fetch them + promptly." In this connection several Iron Crosses have already + been awarded for acts of distinguished bravery by + civilians.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>One of the new toys for Christmas is a cat which will swim + about in a bath. If only the household cat could learn to swim + it might be the means of saving several of its lives.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A correspondent would like to know whether the naval surgeon + who recently described in <i>The Lancet</i> how he raised + "hypnotic blisters" by suggestion received his tuition from one + of our University riverside coaches.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are asked to deny the rumour that Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, + who last week cracked a joke which was not understood by some + American soldiers, has decided to do it all over again.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The power of music! An enterprising firm of manufacturers + offers pensions to women who become widows after the purchase + of a piano on the instalment plan.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that a Member of Parliament will shortly ask + for a day to be set aside to inquire into the conduct of Mr. + PHILIP SNOWDEN, who is reported to have recently shown marked + pro-British tendencies.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In view of the attitude taken up by <i>The Daily Express</i> + against Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we + understand that the celebrated author, who has long + contemplated the final death of <i>Sherlock Holmes</i>, has + arranged that the famous detective shall one day be found dead + with a copy of <i>The Daily Express</i> in his hand.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public + eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of + the growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of + chaining them to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as + safe.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/327.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/327.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>INDIA MOVES.</h3> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—The following is taken from a letter + from the Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers + Commanding Divisions and Independent Brigades:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I am directed to point out that at present there + appears to be considerable diversity of opinion regarding + the number of buttons, and the method of placing the same + on mattresses in use in hospitals.</p> + + <p>"I am therefore to request that in future all hospital + mattresses should be made up with fifty-three buttons + placed in fifteen rows of four and three alternately."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This should convince your readers that even India has at + last grasped the idea of the War and is getting a move on.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless + and successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's + knee, which he fractured six years ago."—<i>Sunday + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If the case is correctly reported—which we + doubt—it was very confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him + again.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page328" + id="page328"></a>[pg 328]</span> + + <h2>MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beersheba gone, and Gaza too!</p> + + <p class="i2">And lo! the British lion,</p> + + <p>After a pause to comb his mane,</p> + + <p>Is grimly padding off again,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tail up, <i>en route</i> for Zion.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, things are looking rather blue,</p> + + <p class="i2">Just as in Mesopotamy;</p> + + <p>My life-blood trickles in the sand;</p> + + <p>My veins run dry; I cannot stand</p> + + <p class="i2">Much more of this phlebotomy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sick as a mule with glanders;</p> + + <p>Too busy—selfish swine—is he</p> + + <p>With winning ground in Italy</p> + + <p class="i2">And losing it in Flanders.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His missives urge me not to fly</p> + + <p class="i2">But use the utmost fury</p> + + <p>To hold these Christian dogs at bay</p> + + <p>And for his sake to block the way</p> + + <p class="i2">To his belovéd Jewry.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My feet," he wired, "have trod those scenes;</p> + + <p class="i2">Within the walls of Salem</p> + + <p>My sacred presence deigned to dwell,</p> + + <p>And I should hate these hounds of hell</p> + + <p class="i2">To be allowed to scale 'em.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"So do your best to give them beans</p> + + <p class="i2">(You have some ammunition?),</p> + + <p>And at a less congested date</p> + + <p>I will arrive and consecrate</p> + + <p class="i2">Another German mission."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That's how he wires, alternate days,</p> + + <p class="i2">But sends no troops to trammel</p> + + <p>The foe that follows as I bump</p> + + <p>Across Judæa on the hump</p> + + <p class="i2">Of my indifferent camel.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, I have tried all means and ways,</p> + + <p class="i2">But seldom fail to foozle 'em;</p> + + <p>And now if WILLIAM makes no sign</p> + + <p>(This is his funeral more than mine)</p> + + <p class="i2">The giaours can have Jerusalem.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SUGAR FIEND.</h2> + + <p>"I will have a cup of tea," I said to the waitress, "China + if possible; and please don't forget the sugar."</p> + + <p>"Yes, and what will you eat with I it?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"What you please," I replied; "it is all horrible."</p> + + <p>I do not take kindly to war-time teas. My idea of a tea is + several cups of the best China, with three large lumps of sugar + in each, and half-a-dozen fancy-cakes with icing sugar all over + them and cream in the middle, and just a few cucumber + sandwiches for the finish. (This does sound humorous, no doubt, + but I seek no credit for it. Humour used to depend upon a sense + of proportion. It now depends upon memory. The funniest man in + England at the present moment is the man who has the most + accurate memory for the things he was doing in the early summer + of 1914).</p> + + <p>The loss of the cakes I could bear stoically enough if they + would leave my tea alone, or rather if they would allow me a + reasonable amount of sugar for it. However, we are an adaptable + people and there are ways in which even the sugar paper-dish + menace can be met. My own plan, here offered freely to all my + fellow-sufferers, provides an admirable epitome of War and + Peace. The sugar allowance being about half what it ought to + be, I take half of the cup unsweetened, thus tasting the + bitterness of war, and then I put in the sugar and bask in the + sunshine of peace.</p> + + <p>On this particular occasion peace was on the point of being + declared when I found my attention irresistibly compelled by + the man sitting opposite to me, the only other occupant of my + table. At first I thought of asking him not to stare at me so + rudely, and then I found that he was not looking at me but over + my shoulder at some object at the end of the room. I can resist + the appeal of three hundred people gazing into the sky at the + same moment, but the intense concentration of this man was too + much for me. I turned round. Seeing nothing unusual I turned + back again, but it was too late. My sugar had gone! No trace of + it anywhere, except in the bubbles that winked suspiciously on + the surface of the miscreant's tea.</p> + + <p>His face did not belong to any of the known criminal types. + It was a pale, dreamy, garden-suburb sort of face—a face + you couldn't possibly give in charge, except, perhaps, under + the Military Service Acts.</p> + + <p>"Do you know," I said to him, "that you have just committed + one of the most terrible offences open to civilised + mankind—a crime even worse (Heaven help me if I + exaggerate) than trampling on an allotment?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, I'm sorry!" he replied, waking from his dream. "Did you + want that sugar? You know, you seemed to be getting on very + well without it."</p> + + <p>As I could not believe him to be beyond the reach of pity, I + explained my method to him, describing as harrowingly as I + could the joy of those first few moments after the declaration + of peace. I suggested to him that he might sometimes find it + useful himself, if ever he should be compelled to sit at an + unoccupied table. ("<i>Touché</i>," he murmured, raising + his hat). "And now," I concluded, "as I have told you my + system, perhaps you will tell me yours—not for imitation, + but for avoidance."</p> + + <p>"There is very little to tell," he replied sorrowfully, "but + it is tragic enough. All my life I have been fond of sugar. + Before the war I took always nine lumps to a cup of tea. (It + was my turn to raise my hat.) By a severe course of + self-repression I have reduced it to seven, but I cannot get + below that. I have given up the attempt. There are a hundred + cures for the drink habit; there is not one for the sugar + habit. As I cannot repress the desire, I have had to put all my + energy into getting hold of sugar. I noticed some time ago that + at these restaurants they give the sugar allowance to all + customers who ask for tea or coffee, although perhaps twenty + per cent. of them do not take sugar at all. It is these people + who supply me with the extra sugar I need. In your case it was + an honest mistake. I always wait to see if people are proposing + to use their sugar before I appropriate it."</p> + + <p>"But if you only take from the willing," I inquired, "why do + you not ask their permission?"</p> + + <p>"I suppose I have given you the right to ask me that + question," he replied with much dignity, "but it is painful to + me to have to answer it. I have not yet sunk so low that I have + to beg people for their cast-off sugar. I may come to it in the + end, perhaps. At present the 'earnest gaze' trick is generally + sufficient, or, where it fails, a kick on the shin. But I hate + cruelty."</p> + + <p>"Physical cruelty," I suggested.</p> + + <p>"No, any kind of cruelty. I have said that in your case I + made a mistake. If I could repair it I would."</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "here's something you can do towards it, + although it's little enough." And I handed him the ticket the + waitress had written out for me. "And now I'll go and get a cup + of tea somewhere."</p> + + <p>"One moment," he said, as I rose to go. "We may meet + again."</p> + + <p>"Never!" I said firmly.</p> + + <p>"Ah, but we may, I have a number of disguises. Let me + suggest something that will make another mistake of this kind + impossible."</p> + + <p>"I am not going to give up my plan," I said.</p> + + <p>"No, don't," he answered; "but <i>why not drink the sugared + half first?</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Extract from an official letter received "Somewhere in + France":—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It must be clearly understood that the numbers shown + under the heading, 'Awaiting Leave' will be the number of + all ranks who have not had leave to the United Kingdom + since last arrival in this country, whether such arrival + was their last return from Leave, or their last arrival in + France."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And the Authorities are still wondering why the "Awaiting + Leave" list tallied so exactly with the daily strength.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page329" + id="page329"></a>[pg 329]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/329.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/329.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A GREAT INCENTIVE.</h3>MEHMED (<i>reading despatch from + the All-Highest</i>). "'DEFEND JERUSALEM AT ALL COSTS FOR + MY SAKE. I WAS ONCE THERE MYSELF.'" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page330" + id="page330"></a>[pg 330]</span> + + <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> + + <p>The ammunition columns on either flank provide us with + plenty of amusement. They seem to live by stealing each other's + mules. My line-guards tell me that stealthy figures leading + shadowy donkeys are crossing to and fro all night long through + my lines. The respective C.O.'s, an Australian and an Irishman, + drop in on us from time to time and warn us against each other. + I remain strictly neutral, and so far they have respected my + neutrality. I have taken steps toward this end by surrounding + my horses with barbed wire and spring guns, tying bells on them + and doubling the guard.</p> + + <p>Monk, the Australian, dropped in on us two or three days + ago. "That darn Sinn Feiner is the limit," said he; "lifted my + best moke off me last night while I was up at the batteries. + He'd pinch BALAAM'S ass." We murmured condolences, but Monk + waived them aside. "Oh, it's quite all right. I wasn't born + yesterday, or the day before for that matter. I'll make that + merry Fenian weep tears of blood before I've finished. Just you + watch."</p> + + <p>O'Dwyer, the merry Fenian, called next day.</p> + + <p>"Give us a dhrink, brother-officers," said he, "I'm wake wid + laughter."</p> + + <p>We asked what had happened.</p> + + <p>"Ye know that herrin'-gutted bush-ranger over yonder? He'd + stale the milk out of your tea, he would, be the same token. + Well, last night he got vicious and took a crack at my lines. I + had rayson to suspect he'd be afther tryin' somethin' on, so I + laid for him. I planted a certain mule where he <i>could</i> + stale it an' guarded the rest four deep. Begob, will ye believe + me, but he fell into the thrap head-first—the poor simple + divil."</p> + + <p>"But he got your mule," said Albert Edward, perplexed.</p> + + <p>"Shure an' he did, you bet he did—he got old + Lyddite."</p> + + <p>Albert Edward and I were still puzzled.</p> + + <p>"Very high explosive—hence name," O'Dwyer + explained.</p> + + <p>"Dear hearrts," he went on, "he's got my stunt mule, my + family assassin! That long-ear has twenty-three casualties to + his credit, including a Brigadier. I have to twitch him to + harness him, side-line him to groom him, throw him to clip him, + and dhrug him to get him shod. Perceive the jest now? Esteemed + comrade Monk is afther pinchin' an infallable packet o' sudden + death, an' he don't know it—yet."</p> + + <p>"What's the next move?" I inquired.</p> + + <p>"I'm going to lave him there. Mind you I don't want to lose + the old moke altogether, because, to tell the truth, I'm a + biteen fond of him now that I know his thricks, but I figure + Mr. Monk will be a severely cured character inside a week, an' + return the beastie himself with tears an' apologies on vellum + so long."</p> + + <p>I met O'Dwyer again two days later on the mud track. He + reined up his cob and begged a cigarette.</p> + + <p>"Been havin' the fun o' the worrld down at the + dressin'-station watchin' Monk's casualties rollin' in," said + he. "Terrible spectacle, 'nough to make a sthrong man weep. + Mutual friend Monk lookin' 'bout as genial as a wet hen. This + is goin' to be a wondherful lesson to him. See you later." He + nudged his plump cob and ambled off, whistling merrily.</p> + + <p>But it was Monk we saw later. He wormed his long corpse into + "<i>Mon Repos</i>" and sat on Albert Edward's bed laughing like + a tickled hyena. "Funniest thing on earth," he spluttered. "A + mule strayed into my lines t'other night and refused to leave. + It was a rotten beast, a holy terror; it could kick a fly off + its ears and bite a man in half. I don't mind admitting it + played battledore and what's-'is-name with my organisation for + a day or two, but out of respect for O'Dwyer, blackguard though + he is, I ..."</p> + + <p>"Oh, so it was O'Dwyer's mule?" Albert Edward cut in + innocently.</p> + + <p>Monk nodded hastily. "Yes, so it turned out. Well, out of + respect for O'Dwyer I looked after it as far as it would allow + me, naturally expecting he'd come over and claim it—but + he didn't. On the fourth day, after it had made a light + breakfast off a bombardier's ear and kicked a gap in a farrier, + I got absolutely fed up, turned the damn cannibal loose and + gave it a cut with a whip for godspeed. It made off due east, + cavorting and snorting until it reached the tank-track; there + it stopped and picked a bit of grass. Presently along comes a + tank, proceeding to the fray, and gives the mule a poke in the + rear. The mule lashes out, catching the tank in the chest, and + then goes on with his grazing without looking round, leaving + the tank for dead, as by all human standards it should have + been, of course. But instead of being dead the box of tricks + ups and gives the donk another butt and moves on. That roused + the mule properly. He closed his eyes and laid into the tank + for dear life; you could hear it clanging a mile away.</p> + + <p>"After delivering two dozen of the best, the moke turned + round to sniff the cold corpse, but the corpse was still warm + and smiling. Then the mule went mad and set about the tank in + earnest. He jabbed it in the eye, upper-cut it on the point, + hooked it behind the ear, banged its slats, planted his left on + the mark and his right on the solar plexus, but still the tank + sat up and took nourishment.</p> + + <p>"Then the donkey let a roar out of him and closed with it; + tried the half-Nelson, the back heel, the scissors, the roll, + and the flying-mare; tried Westmoreland and Cumberland style, + collar and elbow, Cornish, Græco-Roman, + scratch-as-scratch-can and Ju-jitsu. Nothing doing. Then as a + last despairing effort he tried to charge it over on its back + and rip the hide off it with his teeth.</p> + + <p>"But the old tank gave a 'good-by ee' cough of its exhaust + and rumbled off as if nothing had happened, nothing at all. I + have never seen such a look of surprise on any living + creature's face as was on that donk's. He sank down on his + tail, gave a hissing gasp and rolled over stone dead. Broken + heart."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page331" + id="page331"></a>[pg 331]</span> + + <p>"Is that the end?" Albert Edward inquired.</p> + + <p>"It is," said Monk; "and if you go outside and look + half-right you'll see the bereaved Mr. O'Dwyer, all got up in + sack-cloth, cinders and crêpe rosettes, mooning over the + deceased like a dingo on an ash-heap." PATLANDER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/330.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/330.png" + alt="" /></a>Keen Motorist <i>(who has temporarily + taken to push-biking, to leisurely fowl which has + brought him low)</i>. "JUST YOU WAIT TILL THEY REMOVE + THESE PETROL RESTRICTIONS." + + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"For the Duration ..."</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The forenoon service in the Parish Church will be at 11 + o'clock instead of 11.15 on Sunday first, and will continue + till further orders."—<i>Scottish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>Aid for the Military Police.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The recruiting hut which is being erected in Trafalgar + Square in connection with the campaign undertaken by the + Ministry of Labour to recruit women for the Women's Army + Auxiliary Cops will shortly be completed."—<i>Sunday + Pictorial</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"She was visited occasionally by a man of foreign + appearance, who was believed to be her + bother-in-law."—<i>Ipswich Evening Star.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Probably one of those "strained relations" we so often read + about.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"My Correspondent's bona fides are above + suspicion."—<i>"The Clubman" in "The Pall Matt + Gazette."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>One good fide deserves another, but of course the more the + merrier.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/331.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/331.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Aunt Maria</i>. "DO YOU KNOW I ONCE + ACTUALLY SAW THE KAISER RIDING THROUGH THE STREETS OF + LONDON AS BOLD AS BRASS. IF I'D KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW + NOW I'D HAVE TOLD A POLICEMAN." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>INVITATION.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you will come and stay with us you shall not want + for ease;</p> + + <p>We'll swing you on a cobweb between the forest + trees;</p> + + <p>And twenty little singing-birds upon a flowering + thorn</p> + + <p>Shall hush you every evening and wake you every + morn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you will come and stay with us you need not miss + your school;</p> + + <p>A learned toad shall teach you, high-perched upon + his stool;</p> + + <p>And he will tell you many things that none but + fairies know—</p> + + <p>The way the wind goes wandering and how the daisies + grow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you will come and stay with us you shall not + lack, my dear,</p> + + <p>The finest fairy raiment, the best of fairy + cheer;</p> + + <p>We'll send a million glow-worms out, and slender + chains of light</p> + + <p>Shall make a shining pathway—then why not come + to-night?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>R.F.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>CHRISTMAS FARE IN WAR-TIME.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Whatever the dinner be like, we can still have our fill + of holly and mistletoe."—<i>Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>IMITATION AIR-RAIDS.</h2> + + <p>Mr. Punch is glad to note that some real efforts are being + made to meet the public needs in this matter on nights when + there is no attack by the enemy.</p> + + <p>In particular the owners of certain large warehouses have + come forward in a spirited manner by giving directions for the + banging of large folding-doors at suitable (irregular) hours. + Private individuals also, especially when returning home late + at night, can do something in the way of supplying + entertainment for nervous residents in the neighbourhood. Much + is expected, too, of the large dairy companies, who, by their + control of vast numbers of heavy milk-cans, are in a peculiarly + favoured position. By the manipulation of these vessels on a + stone floor a very complete imitation of a raid can be + produced. A good deal, of course, can be done by any ordinary + householder. "I have had great fun," one correspondent writes, + "with a very deliberate and heavily-striking Dutch clock, which + I have lately put against my party-wall. My neighbour's family + frequently jump up and run for the basement. When they get used + to the thing I shall give the other side a + turn."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page332" + id="page332"></a>[pg 332]</span> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FIRE-DRILL.</h2> + + <p>Once a month, as laid down in "Orders for Auxiliary + Hospitals for Officers," or some such document, we practise + fire-drill. This consists of escaping from upper windows by + means of precarious canvas chutes. The only people exempted + from this ceremony are Mrs. Ropes—who watches with great + delight from a safe distance—and Sister, who stands + sternly at the top to make sure (a) that those patients who + don't want to go down do go down, and (b) that those patients + who do want to go down don't go down more than once. No excuses + are taken. The fixed ration is one slither per chute per + person.</p> + + <p>We had this month's rehearsal last Tuesday. The patients + were put through it first, Major Stanley—to his great + disgust—being chosen to lead the way and set his juniors + an example. He was told that it was possible, by sticking out + his elbows, to go down as slowly as he liked; but he must have + done it wrong somehow, for he disappeared with startling + suddenness the instant he let go the window-sill, and almost + simultaneously his boots shot out at the other end and doubled + Dutton the butler up so badly that he had to be taken away and + reinflated.</p> + + <p>Haynes, who came next, insisted on first making his dying + speech from the window, for, as he pointed out to Sister, when + people allowed themselves to be inserted alive into machines of + this type there was every likelihood of their reappearing at + the other end in the form of sausages. Seymour handed Sister a + bulky package labelled "WILL" before starting, and most of us + managed to be mildly humorous in some way or other.</p> + + <p>Mrs. Ropes, on the lawn, enjoyed it all immensely; and so + did Ansell, who was standing beside her with an air of + detachment. Sister's eagle eye singled him out.</p> + + <p>"Come along, Mr. Ansell," she called. "I see you—your + turn next. No shirking."</p> + + <p>"I'm not in this, Sister," he answered loftily.</p> + + <p>"Oh, indeed! And why not?"</p> + + <p>"Because I sleep on the verandah. If there's a fire I simply + get out of bed and step into the garden."</p> + + <p>"Oh, no, you don't," put in Seymour. "That would be entirely + contrary to regulations. The official method of escaping from + burning buildings is down the official chute. In case of fire + your correct procedure will be to double smartly upstairs, + commend your soul to Providence in a soldier-like manner, and + toboggan smartly down."</p> + + <p>(Have I mentioned that Seymour is an Adjutant?)</p> + + <p>"That's right, Captain Seymour," said Sister from above. + "Bring him up under escort if necessary."</p> + + <p>After the patients came Miss Ropes, and after her the + domestic staff, beginning with the less valuable members and + working up gradually to Dutton and Cook. It was possible to + trace the progress of the younger and slighter maids by a + swiftly-descending squeal, while that of the more portly was + visible as a leisurely protuberance. At last Cook was the only + one left—Dutton was not feeling quite up to performing + the journey. She was a new cook, and very precious. She had all + the generous proportions of her profession, and with them went + a placid temper and a great sense of personal dignity.</p> + + <p>"Oh, Cook," said Miss Ropes, "<i>you</i> needn't go down, + you know, unless you want to."</p> + + <p>There are times when official regulations must be sacrificed + to diplomacy. But Cook was in high good humour, and quite + determined on doughty deeds. Miss Ropes said no more.</p> + + <p>The task of getting a wide cook into a narrow canvas tube + proved quite unexpectedly difficult; and, when it was + accomplished, so far from sticking out her elbows as brakes, + she had to press them close to her sides in order to move at + all. With the aid of a friendly pressure applied to the top of + her head by Sister she got slowly under way. The chute bulged + portentously. The bulge travelled a few feet; then it stuck and + became violently agitated. Sister clutched at the top of the + chute, while Dutton hung manfully on to the other end.</p> + + <p>"Don't struggle," said Sister in a stern professional voice. + "Keep your arms still, and you'll come down all right." A + muffled screaming and a dangerously increased agitation of the + chute was the only reply. Cook had quite lost her head and was + having violent hysterics. Three or four of us raced upstairs to + aid Sister in keeping the top end of the apparatus from jerking + free, while several more went to the assistance of the + flustered Dutton.</p> + + <p>Cook ceased to struggle for a moment, but only through + exhaustion; for when Sister seized the opportunity to repeat + her advice a fresh paroxysm came on, and everybody "stood to" + at their posts again. Miss Ropes conceived the idea of + attaching a cord to Cook's armpits and hauling her up again by + main force. She dashed into the house, and found a demoralised + kitchen-maid calling incoherently for help down the + telephone.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile Cook had had her worst spasm. We hung grimly on to + the chute, dismally confident that something would have to give + way soon. Suddenly there was a rending sound; the seam of the + canvas ripped open and a gaping slit appeared, through which + Cook's freed arm flapped wildly. Then the arm disappeared as + the body to which it was attached gathered momentum; and when + Miss Ropes appeared with a length of cord she was just in time + to see her retainer return to the world—alive, but + practically inside out.</p> + + <p>As soon as Cook recovered her breath it was apparent that + her temper was no longer placid. Forgetting entirely that it + was by her own choice that she had made the trip, she gave us + all to understand that she believed the whole incident to have + been specially arranged for her humiliation. She gave notice on + the spot, and staggered indignantly to the house to pack her + box, leaving her employer once again face to face with the + Servant Problem.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ARTISETTE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>(<i>An Engineering School for Women has been started in + Scotland.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What if my lady should appear</p> + + <p>In a mechanic's grimy gear?</p> + + <p>I shall not squeamishly decline</p> + + <p class="i2">To figure at her shrine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If Vulcan's smoky sway precludes</p> + + <p>An assignation in the woods,</p> + + <p>I shall not linger less elate</p> + + <p class="i2">Outside the foundry gate.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When she knocks off at eventide</p> + + <p>I'll flutter fondly to her side,</p> + + <p>And demonstrate that grease and oil</p> + + <p class="i2">Can't loosen love's sweet coil.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Most tenderly my tongue shall wag</p> + + <p>To Amaryllis on the slag,</p> + + <p>Whilst I endeavour to confine</p> + + <p class="i2">Her horny hand in mine.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Personal.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Pat. Don't be disappointed. Nothing amis. + Iris."—<i>Calcutta Statesman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Only a letter gone astray.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let, + outside air radius."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A little suffocating, perhaps.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"If a million quarter acres in the country were left + uncultivated, the result would be that a quarter of a + million acres would be left uncultivated."—<i>Scotch + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Examined and found correct.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In that ouse Capital was very fully + represented—he thought + over-represented."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the + capital out.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page333" + id="page333"></a>[pg 333]</span> + + <h3>THE HIGHWAYMAN.</h3> + + <div class="figure" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/333-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/333-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="333-1"> + <tr align="center"> + <td width="43%" + align="center">"TAXI! TAXI!"<br /> + "WHAT ABAHT IT?"</td> + + <td width="14%"></td> + + <td width="43%" + align="center">"I WANT TO GO TO + HAMPSTEAD."<br /> + "DO YER?"</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <div class="figure" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/333-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/333-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="333-2"> + <tr align="center"> + <td width="43%" + align="center">"I'LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL + FARE."<br /> + "DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN' I'LL TAKE + YER—'ALF-WAY."</td> + + <td width="14%"></td> + + <td width="43%" + align="center">"AN', MIND YER, I WOULDN'T 'AVE + BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I 'APPENED TO + 'AVE BIN COMIN' ANY'OW. I LIVE UP 'ERE."</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page334" + id="page334"></a>[pg 334]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/334.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/334.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Officer</i> (<i>returning to France in + heavy sea</i>). + "I—HOPE—TO—HEAVENS—THE + NEXT—WAR THEY HAVE—WILL—BE—IN + ENGLAND." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NIGHTMARES.</h2> + + <h3>I.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE + WAR CORRESPONDENT OF "THE DAILY MAIL" FOR A LITERAL + TRANSLATION OF THE CÆSAR'S <i>DE BELLO + GALLICO</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"<i>Omnis Gallia in tres partes divisa est.</i>" Is it + fanciful to say of the three parts into which all Gaul is + divided that by their colours may they be known, the blue, the + brown and the ghastly, ghoulish, intolerable, bestial, but, + thank God, passing, grey? Yes, thank God, the blight of + greyness cannot last long; even now the scabrous plague is + being burnt up and swept back and overwhelmed by the resistless + flood, eager yet cautious, persistent yet fiery, of the blue + and the brown. Hideous, pitiable, soul-searing are the scars + that it leaves in its mephitic wake, but the cleansing tide of + the brown and the blue sweeps on, and the healing wand of time + waves over them, and soon the shell-holes and the waste places + and the abominations of desolation are covered with little + flowers—or would be if it were Spring.</p> + + <p>The Spring! No one knows what depth of meaning lies in that + little word for our brave fellows, what intensity of hopes and + fears and well-nigh intolerable yearnings it awakens beneath + the cheery insouciance of their exteriors; no one, that is, + except me. They tell me about it as they pass back, privates + and generals, war-hardened veterans and boys of nineteen with + the youth in their eyes not yet drowned by the ever-increasing + encroachments of the war-devil; all are alike in their cheerful + determination to see this grim and bloody business of fighting + to an honourable end, and alike, too, in that their souls turn + frankly, as might children's, for refreshment and relief to the + kindly breast and simple beauties of Mother Nature.</p> + + <p>The key-note of their attitude is given in the sentence, + spoken dreamily and as if in forgetfulness of my presence, by a + Corporal of the R.G.A. as I cleaned his boots—it was an + honour. "The blue—the blue—the blue—and the + white!"</p> + + <p>He was gazing skywards. I could see nothing but grey clouds, + but I knew that his young eyes were keener than mine, that he + had learnt to look into the inmost heart of things in that + baptism of fire, that travail of freedom, where desolation + blossoms and hell sprouts like a weed. Through the grey he + could discern the triumph of the blue and the white of peace, + when the work of the brown shall be done. It was an allegory. + More he told me, too, in his simple country speech, so good to + hear in a foreign land: of the daisies in the yard at home, of + the dandelions on the lawn, of his pet pig: things too sacred + to repeat here. And he told me that the great event on the + Front now is the Autumn glory of the trees. Then he departed, + and as he went he broke into deep-throated, Homeric laughter, + and I—I understood: he was mocking Death. Even thus does + laughter yap at the heels of that dishonoured king out + here.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE BOOD.</h2> + + <h3>A SODDET.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Our poet has caught a severe cold through having spent + the night in the cellar.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>BOOD, whose autubdal spleddour, as of dood,</p> + + <p>Shides od frob set of sud to dawdigg bord,</p> + + <p>Gradt be this bood, o bood, to calb by bood</p> + + <p>With agodisigg apprehedsiod tord,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Illube dot with thy beabs the biddight burk,</p> + + <p>Whed through the gloob the Huddish biscreadts</p> + + <p>Cobe sdeakigg, bedt od their idhubad work</p> + + <p>Of bobbigg slubberigg dod-cobbatadts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or if thy labbedt gleabs thou bayst dot blidd,</p> + + <p>Thed bay they aid our airbed add our guds;</p> + + <p>Its bark bay every barkigg bissile fidd,</p> + + <p>Bay dought be dode abiss, dor dode be duds.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So bayst thou baffle burderous WILLIAB'S plad,</p> + + <p>Add all attebts of that bad badbad bad.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page335" + id="page335"></a>[pg 335]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/335.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/335.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>PRIVILEGED DISLOYALTY.</h3> + + <p>FIRST TRAITOR. "HOW ARE WE TO PUSH OUR PROPAGANDA PAST + THE CENSOR?"</p> + + <p>SECOND TRAITOR. "NOTHING EASIER. GET THE RIGHT KIND OF + QUESTIONS ASKED IN PARLIAMENT; THERE'S NOBODY TO STOP + <i>THEM</i> FROM BEING PUBLISHED."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page336" + id="page336"></a>[pg 336]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, November 5th.</i>—By way of celebrating Guy + Fawkes Day the Government announced their intention of + compensating, up to a limit of five hundred pounds, any + householder whose property has been damaged in air-raids. How + soon he will cage his "monkey" will depend upon the Treasury, + which is morbidly anxious lest in its transactions <i>bis dat + qui cito dat</i> should be literally illustrated.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/336-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/336-1.png" + alt="" /></a>"Forgetting the claims of Glasgow." MR. + WATT. + </div> + + <p>The official price of potatoes is still unsettled. According + to his own statement the FOOD CONTROLLER is only waiting for + the decision of the War Cabinet. "On the contrary," said Mr. + LAW, "the Cabinet is only waiting for Lord RHONDDA." It seems + to be another case of the Earl of CHATHAM and Sir RICHAUD + STRACHAN; and in the meantime the potatoes are rotting.</p> + + <p>Provided that no scarcity of gas for other purposes is + caused the Government see no objection to its use for the + propulsion of motor-cars. On receiving this information Mr. + PEMBERTON BILLING at once ordered a Zeppelin attachment to his + famous torpedo-shaped car. No other gas-consumer will suffer, + as he is prepared to keep the apparatus inflated from his own + retorts.</p> + + <p>By the scheme of the Boundary Commissioners, the roll of the + Commons, already a hundred per cent. too big for its + accommodation, is to be increased by some thirty Members. + Various suggestions for enabling the new-comers to assist at + debates have been proposed. "Dug-outs" under the existing + benches, whence they could poke out their heads between the + legs of other Members, and "painters' cradles" depending from + the ceiling, or the galleries, are among the most popular.</p> + + <p>In the circumstances it is not surprising that the HOME + SECRETARY strenuously resisted the proposal of the London + representatives to give another couple of Members to "the hub + of the universe," as Mr. WATT, momentarily forgetting the + claims of Glasgow, handsomely called it. Among a number of + minor concessions, Mr. THEODORE TAYLOR'S plea that Batley + should be associated with Morley "because they have had many a + tussle at cricket" could not be resisted.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, November 6th.</i>—A statement that the + great War Savings meeting at the Albert Hall cost £3,500, + chiefly for the expenses of delegates, shocked the thrifty + conscience of Mr. HOGGE, who hoped Mr. BALDWIN would discourage + the PRIME MINISTER'S meetings if they were so expensive. Mr. + BALDWIN did not condescend to answer him or he might have + observed that the delegates in question were voluntary workers + who by their exertions had helped to raise over a hundred + millions for the prosecution of the War.</p> + + <p>Mr. TILLETT, the newly-elected Member for North Salford, + took his seat, and there was general cheering as, under the + safe-conduct of two amply-proportioned friends, Little Ben was + introduced to Big Ben.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/336-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/336-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h4>THE NEW RECRUIT.</h4>SIR JOHN SIMON. + </div> + + <p>When Mr. BALFOUR informed Mr. JOWETT at Question-time that + the only commitments of Great Britain to France are contained + in the Treaty of Alliance of September 5th, 1914, which has + been duly published, he knocked the foundation from under the + subsequent peace-debate. But that did not prevent Mr. LEES + SMITH from making a long speech, on the assumption that by + promising to help France to recover her ravished provinces we + had improperly extended the objects of the war. Mr. MCCURDY, + who shares with Mr. LEES SMITH the representation of + Northampton, plainly hinted that if his colleague cared to + visit his constituents they would be delighted to present him + with a specimen of the local manufacture.</p> + + <p>The speeches of Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. ASQUITH, though well + worth hearing, were hardly needed to complete the rout of the + Pacifists; and, in the division on the Closure, the men who are + prepared (in Mr. FABER'S pungent phrase) "to take the bloody + hand of Germany" made a very poor muster.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, November 7th.</i>—I am inclined to echo + Lord SALISBURY'S regret that Labour has no direct + representative in the Upper House. The proletarian peer, if + there were one, would have been both surprised and delighted to + hear how the non-proletarians, without exception, spoke of his + class.</p> + + <p>My imaginary peer would have been especially edified by the + speech of Lord MILNER, whom a small but noisy section of the + Press persists in describing as more Prussian than the + Prussians. Not under-estimating the difficulties in the way of + a frank and full understanding between Capital and Labour, he + nevertheless believed that they would be overcome, because he + had an abiding faith in the mass of his fellow-countrymen. Not + quite what one expects of a British Junker, is it?</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, November 8th.</i>—When tonnage is so + scarce it seems odd that room can still be found for + consignments of wild animals. Mr. PETO drew attention to a + coming cargo, including two hundred avadavats, the little birds + about which <i>Joseph Surface</i> was so contemptuous, and six + hundred monkeys—"sufficient," as he pleasantly observed, + "to fill this House."</p> + + <p>For once Mr. BILLING expressed a widely-held opinion when he + questioned the propriety, in present circumstances, of holding + the LORD MAYOR'S Banquet. Mr. BONAR LAW'S solemn assurance that + he only accepted the invitation on the distinct understanding + that the feast would fall completely within the FOOD + CONTROLLER'S regulations, was not altogether convincing. + Members were anxious to know the exact dimensions that Lord + RHONDDA has laid down for the turtle-ration.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page337" + id="page337"></a>[pg 337]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/337.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/337.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Onlooker</i> (<i>at a Company + exhibition, to the better man</i>). "HERE, LAAD, NOT + SO MOOCH OF IT. WE'M SHORT O' SOJERS IN OUR COOMPANY, + DOAN'T THEE FORGET!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>GILBERT.</h2> + + <p>We are all very fond of Gilbert. There are, however, one or + two things about him which even his best friends will admit + make it hard for us at times to remember how much we really + love him. Sometimes he seems almost too good to be true. Yet I + have known wet horrible days in the trenches when the sight of + him coming smiling down the line, exuding efficiency and + enthusiasm at every pore, has made his fellow-officers + positively dislike him.</p> + + <p>For, alas, he is one of those dear overzealous fellows whom + in moments of depression we stigmatise as "hearty." He has even + been known to be hearty at breakfast; to come trampling into + the dug-out with that blinking old smile on his face, + expressing immense satisfaction with life in general at the top + of a peculiarly robust voice; to tread on his captain's toes + and slap his next-door neighbour heartily on the back, and then + to explain to a swearing and choking audience how splendidly he + has slept, and what a topping day it is going to be.</p> + + <p>Never has Gilbert been known to spend a bad night; he is one + of those fortunate animals who can go to sleep standing and at + five minutes' notice, and start snoring at once. If you try to + sleep anywhere near him, you dream of finding yourself in + Covent Garden station, trying to board endless trains which + roar through without stopping—that's the kind of snore it + is.</p> + + <p>And now it is time I told my story.</p> + + <p>It happened many years ago, when the War was young and the + Bosch comparatively aggressive; when our big guns fired once + every other Sunday and we lived precarious lives in holes in + the ground. Our Brigadier, a conscientious soldier of the old + school, was dodging round our line of trenches, and had just + reached the sector allotted to my company, which was also + Gilbert's, when the distant buzz that generally means an + aeroplane overhead made itself distinctly heard.</p> + + <p>"Can you spot him?" said the General to his Brigade-major; + "one of theirs, I suppose?"</p> + + <p>Now it is as much as a Brigade-Major's job is worth to + confess ignorance at such a crisis. So, after sweeping the + skies fruitlessly with his glasses and listening intelligently + to the steady drone, he said, "Yes!" with as much conviction as + possible.</p> + + <p>"Heads down," said the General sharply, "and don't move. + Pass it down." And by way of example he sat heavily on my + periscope and stayed gazing at the ground like a fakir lost in + meditation.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the message was passed along, and the trench + became silent as the grave. I was informed a few days later + that it reached the outer battalion of the next brigade later + on in the morning, and was popularly supposed to have reached + Switzerland the same evening.</p> + + <p>For about five minutes the droning continued ("Having a good + look at us," said the Brigade-major in a sepulchral whisper) + and then suddenly ceased with what I can only describe as an + appalling snort. Almost simultaneously a tousled head was + thrust out of a dug-out almost into the great man's face, and + Gilbert's cheerful roar was heard by a scandalised company.</p> + + <p>"Had a topping sleep. What's the time, someone?"</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Best milch cows have been sold recently for £60 + in the Isle of Wight. At a meeting of the Cowes Council it + was stated that at Chichester cows had sold for £73 + each."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And now that the Isle of Wight milkers have held their + indignation meeting it is expected that the anomaly will be + removed.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page338" + id="page338"></a>[pg 338]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/338.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/338.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>ONE UP!</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PETER, THE TEMPTER.</h2> + + <p>Necessity does not make stranger bedfellows than some of the + changes brought about by War. Who, for example—and + certainly not such a born sun-worshipper as I—would ever + have dreamt that a time would come when we in London and the + Eastern counties would desire rain and wind with a passionate + keenness once reserved solely for fine weather? Yet so it is. + By reason of that foolish invention of flying we now, when we + go to the window in the morning and lift the blind, are dashed + and darkly thoughtful if no sky of grey scudding misery meets + our gaze. "Please Heaven it pours!" we say. Just think of + it—"Please Heaven it pours!" What a treachery! It may + even come that we include prayers for storms in the + Liturgy.</p> + + <p>In default of bad weather we may have to Take Cover; and it + is when we Take Cover that discoveries begin and long-postponed + adventures fructify. For years and years, for example, I had + looked down that steep hill by the Tivoli site in the Strand + into the yawning cavern that opens there, and wondered about + it. I had thought one day to explore it, but had never done so, + any more than I have yet proceeded further towards a visit to + the Roman Bath, also off the Strand, than to threaten it.</p> + + <p>But I shall get to the Bath yet, because already, thanks to + the intervention of the Hun, I have become intimately + acquainted with Lower Robert Street, and the next step is + simple.</p> + + <p>In the ordinary way, short of desperate impulse and + decision—unless by some happy chance I had relinquished + the burden of this pen and taken happy service with one of the + wine merchants who store their treasure there—I should + never have entered Lower Robert Street at all, for it goes + nowhere and runs under the earth, and it is damp and mouldy, + and the only doors, leading to this vault and that, are locked. + But for all these disabilities Lower Robert Street is, in Gotha + and Zeppelin times, a very present help and refuge. There + assemble, with more or less fortitude and philosophy, the + denizens of the Adelphi, thankful indeed that the brothers Adam + established their streets and terrace on so useful a + foundation; and there twice recently have I joined them. And an + odd assembly we have made, ranging as we do from successful + dramatists to needy journalists, with an actress or so to keep + us manly.</p> + + <p>There for long hours have we waited until the "All clear" + has sounded—or, at any rate, some have done so. As for + myself, on the last occasion, taking advantage of a lull in the + uproar, I crept away to bed, and, after falling into the sleep + of exhaustion, had the ironical experience of being rudely + awakened by the reassuring bugles and my night again + ruined.</p> + + <p>Having taken cover only in Lower Robert Street, which is + open to all, I cannot with any personal knowledge speak of the + camaraderie of private basements; but I suppose that that + exists and is another of the War's byproducts. I take it that, + in the event of a sudden alarm, no householder with a cellar + would be so inhuman as to refuse admittance to a stranger, and + already probably a myriad new friendships and not a few + engagements have resulted. Our own camaraderie is admirable. + The federation of the barrage breaks down every obstacle; while + a piece of shrapnel that one can display is more valuable than + any letter of introduction, no matter who wrote it. Hence we + all talk; and sometimes we sing too—choruses of the + moment, for the most part, in one of which the depth of our + affection for our maternal relative is measured and regulated + by the floridity of the roses growing on her porch.</p> + + <p>And yet, when at last friendliness is + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page339" + id="page339"></a>[pg 339]</span> upon the town, there are + people—and not only alien Hebrews either—who + have been hurrying away from London! When London has become + more interesting than ever before in its history there are + people who leave it!</p> + + <p>Personally I mean to cling to the old city as long as it + will cling to me; but even now across one's aching sight comes + a "dream of pastime premature" which shakes such resolves a + little. Peter, for example, has been having a disturbing effect + on me. Only now and then, of course—when I am not quite + myself; when the two and thirty (what remains of them) are not + so firmly gritted as they should be; when even London seems + unworthy of devotion.</p> + + <p>But these moods pass. You will admit, though, that Peter has + his lure. I read about him in the <i>Tavistock Gazette</i>, one + of the few papers, I fancy, which does not belong to Lord + NORTHCLIFFE; and this is how the lyric (it is really a lyric, + although it masquerades as an advertisement) runs, not only in + the paper but in my head: "To be let, by Tender" (this is not + an oath but some odd legal or commercial term) "as and from + Lady Day all that nice little PASTURE FARM known as HIGHER + CHURCH FARM, situate in the village of Peter Tavy." Now what + could be more unlike London under the German invasion and all + that nasty little tunnel known as Lower Robert Street, than + Peter Tavy?</p> + + <p>But I must not be tempted. I must stick it out here.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LITERARY GOSSIP À LA MODE.</h2> + + <p>The mystification practised by authors who have passed off + as their own work the compositions of others is familiar to all + literary students. SHAKSPEARE'S assumption of borrowed plumes + is of course the classic example. But another and more subtle + problem is the interchange of functions between two men of + letters; and the theory recently advanced by the distinguished + critic and occultist, Mr. Pullar Leggatt, deserves at least a + respectful hearing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Briefly stated, it is that during his hermit existence at + Putney the late Mr. SWINBURNE effected an interchange of this + sort with Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; the Editor of <i>The British + Weekly</i> devoting himself to the composition of poems, while + the poet assumed editorial control of the famous newspaper. If + the theory thus crudely stated sounds somewhat fantastic the + arguments on which it is based are extraordinarily plausible if + not convincing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>To begin with, experts in anagrams will not fail to notice + that the names ALGERNON SWINBURNE and W. ROBERTSON NICOLL + contain practically the same number of letters—absolutely + the same if SWINBURNE is spelt without an "e"—and that + the forenames of both end in "-on," as does also the concluding + syllable of WATTS-DUNTON. The fact that the Editor of <i>The + British Weekly</i> has never published any poems over his own + name only tends to confirm the theory, as the argument + conclusively establishes.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>For it is impossible to believe that so versatile a polymath + should not at some time or other have courted the Muse, and if + so, under what name could he have had a stronger motive for + publishing his poems than that of SWINBURNE? So austere a + theologian would naturally shrink from revealing his excursions + into the realms of poesy, and under this disguise he was safe + from detection. Lastly, while Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL has + always championed the Kailyard School, SWINBURNE lived at The + Pines. The connection is obvious; as thus: Kail, sea-kale, + sea-coal, coke, coker-nut, walnut, dessert, pine-apple, + pine.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As regards SWINBURNE'S conduct of <i>The British Weekly</i>, + it is enough to point to such alliterative and melodious + combinations as "Rambling Remarks" and "Claudius Clear." The + theological attitude of the paper presents difficulties which + are not so easy to overcome, but Mr. Pullar Leggatt has + promised to deal with this question later on. Meanwhile the + diplomatic silence maintained by Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL and + Mr. EDMUND GOSSE must not be interpreted as conveying either a + complete acceptance or a total rejection of this remarkable + theory.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/339.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/339.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Wounded Tommy</i>. "WILL YOU PLAY MENDELSSOHN'S + 'SPRING SONG,' PLEASE?"</p> + + <p><i>Distinguished Pianist</i> (<i>with a soul above + Mendelssohn</i>). "I'M AFRAID I CAN'T."</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "IT IS A BIT OF A TEASER, AIN'T IT? TIES + MY SISTER UP IN A KNOT WHENEVER SHE TACKLES IT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>The New Crummles.</h3> + + <p>HERTLING "is not Prussian."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page340" + id="page340"></a>[pg 340]</span> + + <h2>MY PYJAMAS.</h2> + + <h3>A STUDY IN THE FASTIDIOUS.</h3> + + <p>I hope this is not going to be embarrassing. If so, it is + not my fault. This is history, please remember, not fiction. I + wanted—I am obliged to say it—pyjamas for winter + wear. I know all about pyjamas for summer wear; what I wanted + was pyjamas for winter wear, and I decided that Agnes should + make them. For years I have been trying to get proper + pyjamas—by which I mean pyjamas properly made—but + the haberdasher always smiles depreciation and tells me that + the goods he offers me are what are always worn. Quite so; but + what I say is that out of bed and for the purpose of having + your photograph taken Trade pyjamas are all right; but that in + bed they commit untold offences. I enter my bed clothed; I + settle down in it half-naked. The jacket has run up to my + arm-pits; my legs are bare to the knee; my arms to the elbows; + the loosely buttoned front is ruckled up into a funnel, down + which, whenever I move, the bedclothes like a bellows draw a + chill blast of air on to that particular part of my chest which + is designed for catching colds. When I turn over in my dreams I + wake to find myself tied as with ropes. Slumber's chains have + indeed bound me. I am a man in the clothing of a nightmare. The + cold, cold sheets catch me in the most ticklesome delicacies of + my back and make me jump again. Enough.</p> + + <p>"Well," said Agnes, "if I am going to make your pyjamas you + must tell me exactly what you want."</p> + + <p>"My pyjamas," I said, "shall be buttoned round the ankle and + capacious below the waist—there I ask a Turkish touch. + The jacket shall be buttoned at the wrists and baggy at the + shoulder; at the chest it shall strap me across like an R.F.C. + tunic, and it shall be securely clipped to the trousers."</p> + + <p>"Why not have it all in one?"</p> + + <p>"What!" I cried, "and parade hotel passages in search of the + bath looking like a clown out of a circus? No, thank you."</p> + + <p>"You must make me a pattern then," said Agnes, "or I shan't + know what to do."</p> + + <p>I can't make patterns, but I can, and I did, make plans of + ground and first-floor levels, a section and back and front + elevations, all to a scale of one inch to the foot exactly. I + also made a full-size detail of a toggle-and-cinch gear linking + the upper storey to the lower.</p> + + <p>"I think," Agnes said, "you had better come to the shop and + choose the material."</p> + + <p>I thought so too. I wanted something gaudy that would make + me feel cheerful when I woke in the morning; but I also had + another idea in my mind. <i>Mangle-proof buttons</i>! Have the + things been invented yet?</p> + + <p>The archbishop who attended to us deprecated the idea of + india-rubber buttons.</p> + + <p>"What kind are you now using?" he asked solicitously.</p> + + <p>"At present, on No. 2," I said, "I am using splinters of + mother-of-pearl. Last week, with No. 1, I used a steel ring + hanging by its rim to a shred of linen, two safeties, and a + hairpin found on the floor."</p> + + <p>I chose a flannel with broad green and violet stripes, and + very large buttons of vitrified brick which I hoped might break + the mangle. These buttons were emerald in colour and gave me a + new idea. <i>Trimmings</i>.</p> + + <p>"I want to look right if the house catches fire," I told + Agnes. "Green sateen collar to match the buttons—"</p> + + <p>"And for the wristbands," said Agnes, catching my + enthusiasm.</p> + + <p>"And for the wristbands," I agreed; "but," I added, "not at + the ankles. That would make the other people in the street + expect me to dance to them, and I don't know how to."</p> + + <p>And now the good work is complete. Toggle and cinch perform + their proud functions, and I sleep undisturbed by Arctic + nightmares, for I have substituted green ties for the stoneware + buttons which reduced my vitality by absorbing heat. My only + trouble is my increasing reluctance to rise in the morning. I + don't like changing out of my beautiful things so early in the + day. I am beginning to want breakfast in bed.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AT THE DUMP.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Lines to the N.C.O. in charge.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now is the hour of dusk and mist and midges,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now the tired planes drone homeward + through the haze,</p> + + <p>And distant wood-fires wink behind the ridges,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the first flare some timorous Hun + betrays;</p> + + <p>Now no shell circulates, but all men brood</p> + + <p class="i4">Over their evening food;</p> + + <p>The bats flit warily and owl and rat</p> + + <p class="i2">With muffled cries their shadowy loves + pursue,</p> + + <p>And pleasant, Corporal, it is to chat</p> + + <p class="i2">In this hushed moment with a man like + you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How strange a spectacle of human passions</p> + + <p class="i2">Is yours all day beside the Arras + road,</p> + + <p>What mournful men concerned about their rations</p> + + <p class="i2">When here at eve the limbers leave their + load,</p> + + <p>What twilight blasphemy, what horses' feet</p> + + <p class="i4">Entangled with the meat,</p> + + <p>What sudden hush when that machine-gun sweeps,</p> + + <p class="i2">And—flat as possible for men so + round—</p> + + <p>The Quartermasters may be seen in heaps,</p> + + <p class="i2">While you sit still and chuckle, I'll be + bound!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here all men halt awhile and tell their rumours;</p> + + <p class="i2">Here the young runners come to cull your + tales,</p> + + <p>How Generals talked with you, in splendid + humours,</p> + + <p class="i2">And how the Worcestershires have gone to + Wales;</p> + + <p>Up yonder trench each lineward regiment swings,</p> + + <p class="i4">Saying some shocking things;</p> + + <p>And here at dark sad diggers stand in hordes</p> + + <p class="i2">Waiting the late elusive Engineer,</p> + + <p>While glowing pipes illume yon notice-boards,</p> + + <p class="i2">That say, "No LIGHTS. YOU MUST NOT LOITER + HERE."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And you sit ruminant and take no action,</p> + + <p class="i2">But daylong watch the aeroplanes at + play,</p> + + <p>Or contemplate with secret satisfaction</p> + + <p class="i2">Your fellow-men proceeding towards the + fray;</p> + + <p>Your sole solicitude when men report</p> + + <p class="i4">There is a shovel short,</p> + + <p>Or, numbering jealously your rusty store,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some mouldering rocket, some wet bomb you + miss</p> + + <p>That was reserved for some ensuing war,</p> + + <p class="i2">But on no grounds to be employed in + this.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For Colonels flatter you, most firm of warders,</p> + + <p class="i2">For sandbags suppliant, and do no + good,</p> + + <p>And high Staff officers and priests in orders</p> + + <p class="i2">In vain beleaguer you for bits of + wood,</p> + + <p>While I, who have nor signature nor chit,</p> + + <p class="i4">But badly want a bit,</p> + + <p>I only talk to you of these high themes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor stoop to join the sycophantic + choir,</p> + + <p>Seeing (I trust) my wicked batman, Jeames,</p> + + <p class="i2">Has meanwhile pinched enough to light my + fire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A.P.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page341" + id="page341"></a>[pg 341]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/341.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/341.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>looking out of train on to darkened + platform</i>). "PORTER, IS THIS EDGWARE ROAD? I CAN'T SEE A + THING."</p> + + <p><i>Porter</i> (<i>with Irish blood in her</i>). "NOT + YET, M'M. EDGWARE ROAD'S THE STATION BEFORE YOU GETS TO + BAKER STHEET."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"In a few days," says the puff preliminary of <i>The + Coming</i> (CHATTO AND WINDUS), "you and all your friends will + be reading and discussing this most strange and prophetic + novel." Perhaps. But what we shall be saying about it depends + largely, I suppose, upon our definition of the term prophetic; + also a little upon our feeling with regard to good taste and + the permissible in fiction. My own contribution will be a + sincere regret that a writer as gifted as Mr. J.C. SNAITH + should have attempted the obviously impossible. His theme, + symbolised by a wrapper-design of three figures silhouetted + against a golden sunrise, is a second advent of the Messiah, + embodied in the person of a village carpenter named (with + palpable significance) <i>John Smith</i>, whom local prejudice + sends, not inexcusably, to a madhouse, where he dies, after + converting the inmates and instituting a campaign of universal + peace. Frankly, the chief interest of such a wildly fantastic + idea lies in watching just how far Mr. SNAITH can carry it + without too flagrant offence. That his treatment is both + sincere and careful hardly lessens my feeling that the whole + attempt is one to be deplored. Humour of the intentional kind + has, of course, no place in the author's scheme. How remote is + its banishment you may judge when I tell you that the Divine + message is represented as given to mankind in the form of a + wonderful play, which instantly achieves world-wide fame, being + performed by no fewer than fifty companies in America alone. + The problem (to name but one) of the resulting struggle between + plenary inspiration and the conditions of a fit-up tour is only + another proof of my contention that there are more things in + heaven and earth than can be treated in realistic fiction, and + that Mr. SNAITH'S good intentions have unfortunately betrayed + him into selecting the least possible.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If <i>Humphrey Thorncot</i> and his sister <i>Edith</i> had + not bored one another and grown touchy—I judge by their + reported conversations—in a house with green shutters in + Chelsea, they would never have gone to St. Elizabeth, which is + a Swiss resort, and would never have met the East-Prussian + family of the <i>von Ludwigs</i> in the year before the War. + And <i>Humphrey</i> would never have fallen (temporarily) in + love with <i>Hulda von Ludwig</i>, nor would <i>Karl von + Ludwig</i> have fallen (permanently) in love with <i>Edith + Thorncot</i>. The troubles and miseries of this latter couple + are related by Mr. HUGH SPENDER in <i>The Gulf</i> (COLLINS). + Papa <i>von Ludwig</i> objects so violently to all this + love-making that he eventually succumbs to a regular + East-Prussian stroke of apoplexy which all but leads to a + charge of parricide against <i>Karl</i> by his base brother, + <i>Wilhelm</i>. <i>Karl</i> is really too good for this world. + He objects to atrocities and refuses at the risk of his own + life to shoot innocent Belgian villagers. Being imprisoned, he + escapes by means of a secret sliding panel and an underground + passage which leads him, not immediately, but after many + vicissitudes, to America. There he is joined by his faithful + <i>Edith</i>, who defies the Gulf caused by the War, and + marries him. Mr. SPENDER appears to have been in some doubt as + to whether he should write the story of two + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page342" + id="page342"></a>[pg 342]</span> souls or the history of the + first few weeks of the War. Eventually he elects to do both, + and his novel consequently suffers somewhat in grip. He + certainly paints a very vivid picture of events in the first + period of active operations. May I hint a doubt, by the way, + whether in 1913 a French Professor would have mentioned + HINDENBURG as one of Germany's most important men? Whatever + he may have been in Germany, HINDENBURG was for the outside + world a later discovery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Further Memories</i> (HUTCHINSON) is justly called by its + publishers a "fascinating volume." The designation will not + surprise those who enjoyed the late Lord REDESDALE'S former + book of recollections. The present collection is a little + haphazard (but none the worse for that), its chapters ranging + over such diverse subjects as Gardens and Trees, QUEEN + VICTORIA, BUDDHA, and the Commune. Certainly not the least + interesting is that devoted to the story of the Wallace + Collection, of which Lord REDESDALE was one of the trustees. + His account of the origin and devolution of the famous + treasures will invest them with a new interest in the happy + days when they shall again be visible. Mr. EDMUND GOSSE + contributes a foreword to the present volume, in which he draws + a pathetic picture of the author, still unconquerably young, + despite his years, facing the future with only one fear, that + of the unemployment to which his increasing deafness, and the + break-up of the world as it was before the War, seemed to be + condemning him. <i>Further Memories</i> was, we are told, + undertaken as some sort of a safeguard against this menace of + stagnation. It was a measure for which we may all be glad, as + we can share Mr. GOSSE'S thanksgiving that the writer's death, + coming when it did, saved him, as he had wished, "from all + consciousness of decrepitude."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>When an unstable young wife, getting tired of a pedantic + husband in the way so familiar to students of novels, goes off + with a companion more to her taste, anyone can foresee trouble, + or what would there be to write about? When, further, her + detestable lover, seeking change and fearing the financial lash + of his properly indignant parent, terminates the arrangement, + even an observer of real life can guess that her return to her + rightful lord and master must entail disagreeables; but only a + reader well brazened in modern fiction could expect Don Juan + promptly to make love to and marry the husband's sister without + a word of apology to anyone. This kind of rather unsavoury + dabbling in problems best left to themselves generally + concludes with the decease of most of the characters and a sort + of clearing up, and to this rule, after many years and pages of + discomfort, MARY E. MANN'S new story, <i>The Victim</i> (HODDER + AND STOUGHTON), is no exception. Not a very attractive + programme, but all the same the volume has one or two redeeming + features. For one thing, the sister is clearly and attractively + drawn, and so is the picture on the wrapper, though it + represents no particular incident to be traced in the pages of + the volume which it adorns. Writing more strongly than is + perhaps her wont, Mrs. MANN has taken some trouble to emphasise + the fact that in these cases of uncontrolled passion the major + penalty of guilt is borne not by the offenders themselves but + by the first generation succeeding. This does need saying + occasionally, I suppose, and to that extent <i>The Victim</i> + redeems itself from the charge of trivial unpleasantness.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. J. RATH has really discovered a new type of heroine, new + at least this side the Atlantic. His farm-bred <i>Sadie</i>, a + Buffalo shirt-packer, classifies men by the sizes of their + shirts, has no use for any swain with a chest measurement under + forty, and eventually in a most original way finds her hero in + <i>Mister 44</i> (METHUEN), an enormous Canadian engineer and + sportsman. She is no chicken herself and has a passion to be + free of the city and out in the great open. <i>Sadie</i> is + more than big; she is beautiful, burnished-copper-haired, + sincere and kind, and, though I think the author "gets this + over" quite well I liked her best before she found her man and + her <i>Robinson Crusoe</i> adventures among the islands of + Ontario, and was giving back chat to the little foreman in the + factory. Here she is a pure delight; and in these days, when a + knowledge of the American language may come in handy at any + moment, this amiable romance may well be recommended as an + attractive manual of first-aid in the matter.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Without professing to be a student of Mrs. DIVER'S books I + know enough about them to be worried by the commonplaceness of + <i>Unconquered</i> (MURRAY). Like so many other authors she has + succumbed to the lure of the War-novel. There may be a public + for tales of this kind, but I have not yet read one that + approaches artistic success. Here we are spared nothing. <i>Sir + Mark Forsyth</i> goes to France in the early days, is first of + all reported "missing, believed killed," and then officially + reported "killed." Of course he turns up again, but such a + physical wreck that the minx whom he was to have married breaks + off the engagement. Naturally the sweet girl, friend of + <i>Mark's</i> childhood, undertakes to fill the gap. The minx, + <i>Bel Alison</i>, is so scathingly drawn that from sheer + perversity I found myself hunting for one good point in her + character; but without a find. On the other hand, <i>Lady + Forsyth</i>, <i>Mark's</i> mother, and a quiet, capable man + called <i>Macnair</i>, are admirably put before us. Yet at best + there remains the conviction that the War is terribly real that + these attempts to romance about it are almost bound to be as + superficial as they are superfluous.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/342.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/342.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>DURING THE RAID.</h3><i>Disappointed Player</i>. "HARD + LINES! I HAD AN EASY FIVE SHOT THAT WOULD HAVE RUN ME OUT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lost, between Ryde Pier and Southsea, Black Satin Bag, + containing keys and eyeglasses. Reward + given."—<i>Portsmouth Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A chance for the local mine-sweepers.</p> + <br /> + <br /> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11428 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11428-h/images/327.png b/11428-h/images/327.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e346b31 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/327.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/329.png b/11428-h/images/329.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fcd9c73 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/329.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/330.png b/11428-h/images/330.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c442d9e --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/330.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/331.png b/11428-h/images/331.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a1b54e --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/331.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/333-1.png b/11428-h/images/333-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd75d99 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/333-1.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/333-2.png b/11428-h/images/333-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d2c31ca --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/333-2.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/334.png b/11428-h/images/334.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cd1e28b --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/334.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/335.png b/11428-h/images/335.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9778763 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/335.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/336-1.png b/11428-h/images/336-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1bad722 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/336-1.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/336-2.png b/11428-h/images/336-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ffaf6c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/336-2.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/337.png b/11428-h/images/337.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ae645c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/337.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/338.png b/11428-h/images/338.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b28998d --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/338.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/339.png b/11428-h/images/339.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4c56ab1 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/339.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/341.png b/11428-h/images/341.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b97cb9 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/341.png diff --git a/11428-h/images/342.png b/11428-h/images/342.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bea37b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-h/images/342.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..51c2b52 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11428 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11428) diff --git a/old/11428-8.txt b/old/11428-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3db7612 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11428-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1990 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Nov. 14, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 14, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 3, 2004 [eBook #11428] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, NOV. 14, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11428-h.htm or 11428-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h/11428-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +NOVEMBER 14, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +People are asking, "Can there be a hidden brain in the Foreign +Office?" + + *** + +A German posing as a Swiss, and stated by the police to be "a spy +and a dangerous character," has been sentenced to six months' +imprisonment. The matter will be further investigated pending +his escape. + + *** + +Three men were charged at Old Street last week with attempting the +"pot of tea" trick. The trick apparently consists in finding a man +with a pot of tea and giving him a sovereign to go round the corner +and buy a ham sandwich, the thief meanwhile offering to hold the pot +of tea. When the owner returns the tea has, of course, vanished. + + *** + +The increased consumption of bread, says Sir ARTHUR YAPP, is due to +the 9d. loaf. It would just serve us right if bread cost 2s. 6d. a +pound and there wasn't any, like everything else. + + *** + +"It is all a matter of taste," says a correspondent of _The Daily +Mail_, "but I think parsnips are now at their best." They may be +looking their best, but the taste remains the same. + + *** + +Seventy tons of blackberries for the soldiers have been gathered by +school-children in Buckinghamshire. Arrangements have been made for +converting this fruit into plum-and-apple jam. + + *** + +"Home Ruler" was the occupation given by a Chertsey woman on her +sugar-card application. The FOOD CONTROLLER states that although this +form of intimidation may work with the Government it has no terrors +for him. + + *** + +The Russian Minister of Finance anticipates getting a revenue of forty +million pounds from a monopoly of tea. It is thought that he must have +once been a grocer. + + *** + +The Law Courts are to be made available as an air-raid shelter by day +and night, and some of our revue proprietors are already complaining +of unfair competition. + + *** + +Two survivors of the battle of Inkerman have been discovered at +Brighton. Their inactivity in the present crisis is most unfavourably +commented on by many of the week-end visitors. + + *** + +A dolphin nearly eight feet in length has been landed by a boy who was +fishing at Southwold. Its last words were that it hoped the public +would understand that it had only heard of the food shortage that +morning. + + *** + +Captain OTTO SVERDRUP, the Arctic explorer, has returned his German +decorations. Upon hearing this the KAISER at once gave orders for the +North Pole to be folded up and put away. + + *** + +A certain number of cold storage eggs at sixpence each are being +released in Berlin and buyers are urged to "fetch them promptly." +In this connection several Iron Crosses have already been awarded +for acts of distinguished bravery by civilians. + + *** + +One of the new toys for Christmas is a cat which will swim about in a +bath. If only the household cat could learn to swim it might be the +means of saving several of its lives. + + *** + +A correspondent would like to know whether the naval surgeon who +recently described in _The Lancet_ how he raised "hypnotic blisters" +by suggestion received his tuition from one of our University +riverside coaches. + + *** + +We are asked to deny the rumour that Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, who last +week cracked a joke which was not understood by some American +soldiers, has decided to do it all over again. + + *** + +The power of music! An enterprising firm of manufacturers offers +pensions to women who become widows after the purchase of a piano +on the instalment plan. + + *** + +We understand that a Member of Parliament will shortly ask for a day +to be set aside to inquire into the conduct of Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, who +is reported to have recently shown marked pro-British tendencies. + + *** + +In view of the attitude taken up by _The Daily Express_ against Sir +ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we understand that +the celebrated author, who has long contemplated the final death of +_Sherlock Holmes_, has arranged that the famous detective shall one +day be found dead with a copy of _The Daily Express_ in his hand. + + *** + +A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public +eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of the +growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of chaining them +to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as safe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR. [Sign before church with +bomb-damaged steeple:] THE REV SULVANUS JONES WILL PREACH NEXT SUNDAY +MORNING ON WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CHURCH?] + + * * * * * + +INDIA MOVES. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The following is taken from a letter from the +Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers Commanding +Divisions and Independent Brigades:-- + + "I am directed to point out that at present there appears to + be considerable diversity of opinion regarding the number of + buttons, and the method of placing the same on mattresses in + use in hospitals. + + "I am therefore to request that in future all hospital mattresses + should be made up with fifty-three buttons placed in fifteen rows + of four and three alternately." + +This should convince your readers that even India has at last grasped +the idea of the War and is getting a move on. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless and + successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's knee, + which he fractured six years ago."--_Sunday Paper_. + +If the case is correctly reported--which we doubt--it was very +confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him again. + + * * * * * + +MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN. + + Beersheba gone, and Gaza too! + And lo! the British lion, + After a pause to comb his mane, + Is grimly padding off again, + Tail up, _en route_ for Zion. + + Yes, things are looking rather blue, + Just as in Mesopotamy; + My life-blood trickles in the sand; + My veins run dry; I cannot stand + Much more of this phlebotomy. + + In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry, + Sick as a mule with glanders; + Too busy--selfish swine--is he + With winning ground in Italy + And losing it in Flanders. + + His missives urge me not to fly + But use the utmost fury + To hold these Christian dogs at bay + And for his sake to block the way + To his belovéd Jewry. + + "My feet," he wired, "have trod those scenes; + Within the walls of Salem + My sacred presence deigned to dwell, + And I should hate these hounds of hell + To be allowed to scale 'em. + + "So do your best to give them beans + (You have some ammunition?), + And at a less congested date + I will arrive and consecrate + Another German mission." + + That's how he wires, alternate days, + But sends no troops to trammel + The foe that follows as I bump + Across Judæa on the hump + Of my indifferent camel. + + Well, I have tried all means and ways, + But seldom fail to foozle 'em; + And now if WILLIAM makes no sign + (This is his funeral more than mine) + The giaours can have Jerusalem. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE SUGAR FIEND. + +"I will have a cup of tea," I said to the waitress, "China if +possible; and please don't forget the sugar." + +"Yes, and what will you eat with I it?" she asked. + +"What you please," I replied; "it is all horrible." + +I do not take kindly to war-time teas. My idea of a tea is several +cups of the best China, with three large lumps of sugar in each, and +half-a-dozen fancy-cakes with icing sugar all over them and cream in +the middle, and just a few cucumber sandwiches for the finish. (This +does sound humorous, no doubt, but I seek no credit for it. Humour +used to depend upon a sense of proportion. It now depends upon memory. +The funniest man in England at the present moment is the man who has +the most accurate memory for the things he was doing in the early +summer of 1914). + +The loss of the cakes I could bear stoically enough if they would +leave my tea alone, or rather if they would allow me a reasonable +amount of sugar for it. However, we are an adaptable people and there +are ways in which even the sugar paper-dish menace can be met. My own +plan, here offered freely to all my fellow-sufferers, provides an +admirable epitome of War and Peace. The sugar allowance being about +half what it ought to be, I take half of the cup unsweetened, thus +tasting the bitterness of war, and then I put in the sugar and bask +in the sunshine of peace. + +On this particular occasion peace was on the point of being declared +when I found my attention irresistibly compelled by the man sitting +opposite to me, the only other occupant of my table. At first I +thought of asking him not to stare at me so rudely, and then I found +that he was not looking at me but over my shoulder at some object at +the end of the room. I can resist the appeal of three hundred people +gazing into the sky at the same moment, but the intense concentration +of this man was too much for me. I turned round. Seeing nothing +unusual I turned back again, but it was too late. My sugar had +gone! No trace of it anywhere, except in the bubbles that winked +suspiciously on the surface of the miscreant's tea. + +His face did not belong to any of the known criminal types. It was a +pale, dreamy, garden-suburb sort of face--a face you couldn't possibly +give in charge, except, perhaps, under the Military Service Acts. + +"Do you know," I said to him, "that you have just committed one of the +most terrible offences open to civilised mankind--a crime even worse +(Heaven help me if I exaggerate) than trampling on an allotment?" + +"Oh, I'm sorry!" he replied, waking from his dream. "Did you want that +sugar? You know, you seemed to be getting on very well without it." + +As I could not believe him to be beyond the reach of pity, I explained +my method to him, describing as harrowingly as I could the joy of +those first few moments after the declaration of peace. I suggested to +him that he might sometimes find it useful himself, if ever he should +be compelled to sit at an unoccupied table. ("_Touché_," he murmured, +raising his hat). "And now," I concluded, "as I have told you my +system, perhaps you will tell me yours--not for imitation, but for +avoidance." + +"There is very little to tell," he replied sorrowfully, "but it is +tragic enough. All my life I have been fond of sugar. Before the war +I took always nine lumps to a cup of tea. (It was my turn to raise +my hat.) By a severe course of self-repression I have reduced it to +seven, but I cannot get below that. I have given up the attempt. There +are a hundred cures for the drink habit; there is not one for the +sugar habit. As I cannot repress the desire, I have had to put all my +energy into getting hold of sugar. I noticed some time ago that at +these restaurants they give the sugar allowance to all customers who +ask for tea or coffee, although perhaps twenty per cent. of them do +not take sugar at all. It is these people who supply me with the extra +sugar I need. In your case it was an honest mistake. I always wait to +see if people are proposing to use their sugar before I appropriate +it." + +"But if you only take from the willing," I inquired, "why do you not +ask their permission?" + +"I suppose I have given you the right to ask me that question," he +replied with much dignity, "but it is painful to me to have to answer +it. I have not yet sunk so low that I have to beg people for their +cast-off sugar. I may come to it in the end, perhaps. At present the +'earnest gaze' trick is generally sufficient, or, where it fails, a +kick on the shin. But I hate cruelty." + +"Physical cruelty," I suggested. + +"No, any kind of cruelty. I have said that in your case I made a +mistake. If I could repair it I would." + +"Well," I said, "here's something you can do towards it, although it's +little enough." And I handed him the ticket the waitress had written +out for me. "And now I'll go and get a cup of tea somewhere." + +"One moment," he said, as I rose to go. "We may meet again." + +"Never!" I said firmly. + +"Ah, but we may, I have a number of disguises. Let me suggest +something that will make another mistake of this kind impossible." + +"I am not going to give up my plan," I said. + +"No, don't," he answered; "but _why not drink the sugared half +first?_" + + * * * * * + +Extract from an official letter received "Somewhere in France":-- + + "It must be clearly understood that the numbers shown under the + heading, 'Awaiting Leave' will be the number of all ranks who have + not had leave to the United Kingdom since last arrival in this + country, whether such arrival was their last return from Leave, + or their last arrival in France." + +And the Authorities are still wondering why the "Awaiting Leave" list +tallied so exactly with the daily strength. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GREAT INCENTIVE. MEHMED (_reading despatch from the +All-Highest_). "'DEFEND JERUSALEM AT ALL COSTS FOR MY SAKE. I WAS ONCE +THERE MYSELF.'"] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +The ammunition columns on either flank provide us with plenty of +amusement. They seem to live by stealing each other's mules. My +line-guards tell me that stealthy figures leading shadowy donkeys are +crossing to and fro all night long through my lines. The respective +C.O.'s, an Australian and an Irishman, drop in on us from time to time +and warn us against each other. I remain strictly neutral, and so far +they have respected my neutrality. I have taken steps toward this end +by surrounding my horses with barbed wire and spring guns, tying bells +on them and doubling the guard. + +Monk, the Australian, dropped in on us two or three days ago. "That +darn Sinn Feiner is the limit," said he; "lifted my best moke off me +last night while I was up at the batteries. He'd pinch BALAAM'S ass." +We murmured condolences, but Monk waived them aside. "Oh, it's quite +all right. I wasn't born yesterday, or the day before for that matter. +I'll make that merry Fenian weep tears of blood before I've finished. +Just you watch." + +O'Dwyer, the merry Fenian, called next day. + +"Give us a dhrink, brother-officers," said he, "I'm wake wid +laughter." + +We asked what had happened. + +"Ye know that herrin'-gutted bush-ranger over yonder? He'd stale the +milk out of your tea, he would, be the same token. Well, last night he +got vicious and took a crack at my lines. I had rayson to suspect he'd +be afther tryin' somethin' on, so I laid for him. I planted a certain +mule where he _could_ stale it an' guarded the rest four deep. Begob, +will ye believe me, but he fell into the thrap head-first--the poor +simple divil." + +"But he got your mule," said Albert Edward, perplexed. + +"Shure an' he did, you bet he did--he got old Lyddite." + +Albert Edward and I were still puzzled. + +"Very high explosive--hence name," O'Dwyer explained. + +"Dear hearrts," he went on, "he's got my stunt mule, my family +assassin! That long-ear has twenty-three casualties to his credit, +including a Brigadier. I have to twitch him to harness him, side-line +him to groom him, throw him to clip him, and dhrug him to get him +shod. Perceive the jest now? Esteemed comrade Monk is afther pinchin' +an infallable packet o' sudden death, an' he don't know it--yet." + +"What's the next move?" I inquired. + +"I'm going to lave him there. Mind you I don't want to lose the old +moke altogether, because, to tell the truth, I'm a biteen fond of him +now that I know his thricks, but I figure Mr. Monk will be a severely +cured character inside a week, an' return the beastie himself with +tears an' apologies on vellum so long." + +I met O'Dwyer again two days later on the mud track. He reined up his +cob and begged a cigarette. + +"Been havin' the fun o' the worrld down at the dressin'-station +watchin' Monk's casualties rollin' in," said he. "Terrible spectacle, +'nough to make a sthrong man weep. Mutual friend Monk lookin' 'bout as +genial as a wet hen. This is goin' to be a wondherful lesson to him. +See you later." He nudged his plump cob and ambled off, whistling +merrily. + +But it was Monk we saw later. He wormed his long corpse into "_Mon +Repos_" and sat on Albert Edward's bed laughing like a tickled hyena. +"Funniest thing on earth," he spluttered. "A mule strayed into my +lines t'other night and refused to leave. It was a rotten beast, a +holy terror; it could kick a fly off its ears and bite a man in half. +I don't mind admitting it played battledore and what's-'is-name with +my organisation for a day or two, but out of respect for O'Dwyer, +blackguard though he is, I ..." + +"Oh, so it was O'Dwyer's mule?" Albert Edward cut in innocently. + +Monk nodded hastily. "Yes, so it turned out. Well, out of respect +for O'Dwyer I looked after it as far as it would allow me, naturally +expecting he'd come over and claim it--but he didn't. On the fourth +day, after it had made a light breakfast off a bombardier's ear and +kicked a gap in a farrier, I got absolutely fed up, turned the damn +cannibal loose and gave it a cut with a whip for godspeed. It made +off due east, cavorting and snorting until it reached the tank-track; +there it stopped and picked a bit of grass. Presently along comes a +tank, proceeding to the fray, and gives the mule a poke in the rear. +The mule lashes out, catching the tank in the chest, and then goes on +with his grazing without looking round, leaving the tank for dead, as +by all human standards it should have been, of course. But instead of +being dead the box of tricks ups and gives the donk another butt and +moves on. That roused the mule properly. He closed his eyes and laid +into the tank for dear life; you could hear it clanging a mile away. + +"After delivering two dozen of the best, the moke turned round to +sniff the cold corpse, but the corpse was still warm and smiling. Then +the mule went mad and set about the tank in earnest. He jabbed it in +the eye, upper-cut it on the point, hooked it behind the ear, banged +its slats, planted his left on the mark and his right on the solar +plexus, but still the tank sat up and took nourishment. + +"Then the donkey let a roar out of him and closed with it; tried +the half-Nelson, the back heel, the scissors, the roll, and the +flying-mare; tried Westmoreland and Cumberland style, collar and +elbow, Cornish, Græco-Roman, scratch-as-scratch-can and Ju-jitsu. +Nothing doing. Then as a last despairing effort he tried to charge +it over on its back and rip the hide off it with his teeth. + +"But the old tank gave a 'good-by ee' cough of its exhaust and rumbled +off as if nothing had happened, nothing at all. I have never seen +such a look of surprise on any living creature's face as was on that +donk's. He sank down on his tail, gave a hissing gasp and rolled over +stone dead. Broken heart." + +"Is that the end?" Albert Edward inquired. + +"It is," said Monk; "and if you go outside and look half-right you'll +see the bereaved Mr. O'Dwyer, all got up in sack-cloth, cinders +and crêpe rosettes, mooning over the deceased like a dingo on an +ash-heap." PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Aunt Maria_. "DO YOU KNOW I ONCE ACTUALLY SAW THE +KAISER RIDING THROUGH THE STREETS OF LONDON AS BOLD AS BRASS. IF I'D +KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I'D HAVE TOLD A POLICEMAN."] + + * * * * * + +"FOR THE DURATION ..." + + "The forenoon service in the Parish Church will be at 11 o'clock + instead of 11.15 on Sunday first, and will continue till further + orders."--_Scottish Paper_. + + * * * * * + +AID FOR THE MILITARY POLICE. + + "The recruiting hut which is being erected in Trafalgar Square in + connection with the campaign undertaken by the Ministry of Labour + to recruit women for the Women's Army Auxiliary Cops will shortly + be completed."--_Sunday Pictorial_. + + * * * * * + + "She was visited occasionally by a man of foreign appearance, who + was believed to be her bother-in-law."--_Ipswich Evening Star_. + +Probably one of those "strained relations" we so often read about. + + * * * * * + + "My Correspondent's bona fides are above suspicion."--_"The + Clubman" in "The Pall Matt Gazette."_ + +One good fide deserves another, but of course the more the merrier. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Keen Motorist _(who has temporarily taken to +push-biking, to leisurely fowl which has brought him low)_. "JUST +YOU WAIT TILL THEY REMOVE THESE PETROL RESTRICTIONS."] + + * * * * * + +INVITATION. + + If you will come and stay with us you shall not want for ease; + We'll swing you on a cobweb between the forest trees; + And twenty little singing-birds upon a flowering thorn + Shall hush you every evening and wake you every morn. + + If you will come and stay with us you need not miss your school; + A learned toad shall teach you, high-perched upon his stool; + And he will tell you many things that none but fairies know-- + The way the wind goes wandering and how the daisies grow. + + If you will come and stay with us you shall not lack, my dear, + The finest fairy raiment, the best of fairy cheer; + We'll send a million glow-worms out, and slender chains of light + Shall make a shining pathway--then why not come to-night? + + R.F. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS FARE IN WAR-TIME. + + "Whatever the dinner be like, we can still have our fill of + holly and mistletoe."--_Star_. + + * * * * * + +IMITATION AIR-RAIDS. + +Mr. Punch is glad to note that some real efforts are being made to +meet the public needs in this matter on nights when there is no attack +by the enemy. + +In particular the owners of certain large warehouses have come forward +in a spirited manner by giving directions for the banging of large +folding-doors at suitable (irregular) hours. Private individuals +also, especially when returning home late at night, can do something +in the way of supplying entertainment for nervous residents in the +neighbourhood. Much is expected, too, of the large dairy companies, +who, by their control of vast numbers of heavy milk-cans, are in a +peculiarly favoured position. By the manipulation of these vessels on +a stone floor a very complete imitation of a raid can be produced. +A good deal, of course, can be done by any ordinary householder. "I +have had great fun," one correspondent writes, "with a very deliberate +and heavily-striking Dutch clock, which I have lately put against my +party-wall. My neighbour's family frequently jump up and run for the +basement. When they get used to the thing I shall give the other side +a turn." + + * * * * * + +THE FIRE-DRILL. + +Once a month, as laid down in "Orders for Auxiliary Hospitals for +Officers," or some such document, we practise fire-drill. This +consists of escaping from upper windows by means of precarious +canvas chutes. The only people exempted from this ceremony are Mrs. +Ropes--who watches with great delight from a safe distance--and +Sister, who stands sternly at the top to make sure (a) that those +patients who don't want to go down do go down, and (b) that those +patients who do want to go down don't go down more than once. No +excuses are taken. The fixed ration is one slither per chute per +person. + +We had this month's rehearsal last Tuesday. The patients were put +through it first, Major Stanley--to his great disgust--being chosen +to lead the way and set his juniors an example. He was told that it +was possible, by sticking out his elbows, to go down as slowly as he +liked; but he must have done it wrong somehow, for he disappeared with +startling suddenness the instant he let go the window-sill, and almost +simultaneously his boots shot out at the other end and doubled Dutton +the butler up so badly that he had to be taken away and reinflated. + +Haynes, who came next, insisted on first making his dying speech from +the window, for, as he pointed out to Sister, when people allowed +themselves to be inserted alive into machines of this type there was +every likelihood of their reappearing at the other end in the form of +sausages. Seymour handed Sister a bulky package labelled "WILL" before +starting, and most of us managed to be mildly humorous in some way or +other. + +Mrs. Ropes, on the lawn, enjoyed it all immensely; and so did Ansell, +who was standing beside her with an air of detachment. Sister's eagle +eye singled him out. + +"Come along, Mr. Ansell," she called. "I see you--your turn next. No +shirking." + +"I'm not in this, Sister," he answered loftily. + +"Oh, indeed! And why not?" + +"Because I sleep on the verandah. If there's a fire I simply get out +of bed and step into the garden." + +"Oh, no, you don't," put in Seymour. "That would be entirely contrary +to regulations. The official method of escaping from burning buildings +is down the official chute. In case of fire your correct procedure +will be to double smartly upstairs, commend your soul to Providence in +a soldier-like manner, and toboggan smartly down." + +(Have I mentioned that Seymour is an Adjutant?) + +"That's right, Captain Seymour," said Sister from above. "Bring him +up under escort if necessary." + +After the patients came Miss Ropes, and after her the domestic staff, +beginning with the less valuable members and working up gradually to +Dutton and Cook. It was possible to trace the progress of the younger +and slighter maids by a swiftly-descending squeal, while that of the +more portly was visible as a leisurely protuberance. At last Cook +was the only one left--Dutton was not feeling quite up to performing +the journey. She was a new cook, and very precious. She had all the +generous proportions of her profession, and with them went a placid +temper and a great sense of personal dignity. + +"Oh, Cook," said Miss Ropes, "_you_ needn't go down, you know, unless +you want to." + +There are times when official regulations must be sacrificed to +diplomacy. But Cook was in high good humour, and quite determined on +doughty deeds. Miss Ropes said no more. + +The task of getting a wide cook into a narrow canvas tube proved quite +unexpectedly difficult; and, when it was accomplished, so far from +sticking out her elbows as brakes, she had to press them close to her +sides in order to move at all. With the aid of a friendly pressure +applied to the top of her head by Sister she got slowly under way. The +chute bulged portentously. The bulge travelled a few feet; then it +stuck and became violently agitated. Sister clutched at the top of the +chute, while Dutton hung manfully on to the other end. + +"Don't struggle," said Sister in a stern professional voice. "Keep +your arms still, and you'll come down all right." A muffled screaming +and a dangerously increased agitation of the chute was the only reply. +Cook had quite lost her head and was having violent hysterics. Three +or four of us raced upstairs to aid Sister in keeping the top end +of the apparatus from jerking free, while several more went to the +assistance of the flustered Dutton. + +Cook ceased to struggle for a moment, but only through exhaustion; +for when Sister seized the opportunity to repeat her advice a fresh +paroxysm came on, and everybody "stood to" at their posts again. Miss +Ropes conceived the idea of attaching a cord to Cook's armpits and +hauling her up again by main force. She dashed into the house, and +found a demoralised kitchen-maid calling incoherently for help down +the telephone. + +Meanwhile Cook had had her worst spasm. We hung grimly on to the +chute, dismally confident that something would have to give way soon. +Suddenly there was a rending sound; the seam of the canvas ripped open +and a gaping slit appeared, through which Cook's freed arm flapped +wildly. Then the arm disappeared as the body to which it was attached +gathered momentum; and when Miss Ropes appeared with a length of cord +she was just in time to see her retainer return to the world--alive, +but practically inside out. + +As soon as Cook recovered her breath it was apparent that her temper +was no longer placid. Forgetting entirely that it was by her own +choice that she had made the trip, she gave us all to understand +that she believed the whole incident to have been specially arranged +for her humiliation. She gave notice on the spot, and staggered +indignantly to the house to pack her box, leaving her employer once +again face to face with the Servant Problem. + + * * * * * + +THE ARTISETTE. + + (_An Engineering School for Women + has been started in Scotland._) + + What if my lady should appear + In a mechanic's grimy gear? + I shall not squeamishly decline + To figure at her shrine. + + If Vulcan's smoky sway precludes + An assignation in the woods, + I shall not linger less elate + Outside the foundry gate. + + When she knocks off at eventide + I'll flutter fondly to her side, + And demonstrate that grease and oil + Can't loosen love's sweet coil. + + Most tenderly my tongue shall wag + To Amaryllis on the slag, + Whilst I endeavour to confine + Her horny hand in mine. + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL. + + "Pat. Don't be disappointed. Nothing amis. Iris."--_Calcutta + Statesman_. + +Only a letter gone astray. + + * * * * * + + "Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let, outside + air radius."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +A little suffocating, perhaps. + + * * * * * + + "If a million quarter acres in the country were left uncultivated, + the result would be that a quarter of a million acres would be + left uncultivated."--_Scotch Paper_. + +Examined and found correct. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:-- + + "In that ouse Capital was very fully represented--he thought + over-represented."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the capital out. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HIGHWAYMAN. + +"TAXI! TAXI!" + +"WHAT ABAHT IT?" + +"I WANT TO GO TO HAMPSTEAD." + +"DO YER?" + +"I'LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL FARE." + +"DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN' I'LL TAKE YER--'ALF-WAY." + +"AN', MIND YER, I WOULDN'T 'AVE BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I +'APPENED TO 'AVE BIN COMIN' ANY'OW. I LIVE UP 'ERE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_returning to France in heavy sea_). +"I--HOPE--TO--HEAVENS--THE NEXT--WAR THEY HAVE--WILL--BE--IN +ENGLAND."] + + * * * * * + +NIGHTMARES. + +I. + + OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE WAR + CORRESPONDENT OF "THE DAILY MAIL" FOR A LITERAL TRANSLATION + OF THE CÆSAR'S _DE BELLO GALLICO_. + +"_Omnis Gallia in tres partes divisa est._" Is it fanciful to say of +the three parts into which all Gaul is divided that by their colours +may they be known, the blue, the brown and the ghastly, ghoulish, +intolerable, bestial, but, thank God, passing, grey? Yes, thank God, +the blight of greyness cannot last long; even now the scabrous plague +is being burnt up and swept back and overwhelmed by the resistless +flood, eager yet cautious, persistent yet fiery, of the blue and the +brown. Hideous, pitiable, soul-searing are the scars that it leaves in +its mephitic wake, but the cleansing tide of the brown and the blue +sweeps on, and the healing wand of time waves over them, and soon the +shell-holes and the waste places and the abominations of desolation +are covered with little flowers--or would be if it were Spring. + +The Spring! No one knows what depth of meaning lies in that little +word for our brave fellows, what intensity of hopes and fears and +well-nigh intolerable yearnings it awakens beneath the cheery +insouciance of their exteriors; no one, that is, except me. They tell +me about it as they pass back, privates and generals, war-hardened +veterans and boys of nineteen with the youth in their eyes not yet +drowned by the ever-increasing encroachments of the war-devil; all +are alike in their cheerful determination to see this grim and bloody +business of fighting to an honourable end, and alike, too, in that +their souls turn frankly, as might children's, for refreshment and +relief to the kindly breast and simple beauties of Mother Nature. + +The key-note of their attitude is given in the sentence, spoken +dreamily and as if in forgetfulness of my presence, by a Corporal of +the R.G.A. as I cleaned his boots--it was an honour. "The blue--the +blue--the blue--and the white!" + +He was gazing skywards. I could see nothing but grey clouds, but I +knew that his young eyes were keener than mine, that he had learnt to +look into the inmost heart of things in that baptism of fire, that +travail of freedom, where desolation blossoms and hell sprouts like a +weed. Through the grey he could discern the triumph of the blue and +the white of peace, when the work of the brown shall be done. It was +an allegory. More he told me, too, in his simple country speech, so +good to hear in a foreign land: of the daisies in the yard at home, +of the dandelions on the lawn, of his pet pig: things too sacred to +repeat here. And he told me that the great event on the Front now is +the Autumn glory of the trees. Then he departed, and as he went he +broke into deep-throated, Homeric laughter, and I--I understood: he +was mocking Death. Even thus does laughter yap at the heels of that +dishonoured king out here. + + * * * * * + +TO THE BOOD. + +A SODDET. + + [Our poet has caught a severe cold through + having spent the night in the cellar.] + + BOOD, whose autubdal spleddour, as of dood, + Shides od frob set of sud to dawdigg bord, + Gradt be this bood, o bood, to calb by bood + With agodisigg apprehedsiod tord, + + Illube dot with thy beabs the biddight burk, + Whed through the gloob the Huddish biscreadts + Cobe sdeakigg, bedt od their idhubad work + Of bobbigg slubberigg dod-cobbatadts. + + Or if thy labbedt gleabs thou bayst dot blidd, + Thed bay they aid our airbed add our guds; + Its bark bay every barkigg bissile fidd, + Bay dought be dode abiss, dor dode be duds. + + So bayst thou baffle burderous WILLIAB'S plad, + Add all attebts of that bad badbad bad. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVILEGED DISLOYALTY. + +FIRST TRAITOR. "HOW ARE WE TO PUSH OUR PROPAGANDA PAST THE CENSOR?" + +SECOND TRAITOR. "NOTHING EASIER. GET THE RIGHT KIND OF QUESTIONS ASKED +IN PARLIAMENT; THERE'S NOBODY TO STOP _THEM_ FROM BEING PUBLISHED."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 5th._--By way of celebrating Guy Fawkes Day the +Government announced their intention of compensating, up to a limit of +five hundred pounds, any householder whose property has been damaged +in air-raids. How soon he will cage his "monkey" will depend upon the +Treasury, which is morbidly anxious lest in its transactions _bis dat +qui cito dat_ should be literally illustrated. + +[Illustration: "Forgetting the claims of Glasgow." MR. WATT.] + +The official price of potatoes is still unsettled. According to his +own statement the FOOD CONTROLLER is only waiting for the decision of +the War Cabinet. "On the contrary," said Mr. LAW, "the Cabinet is only +waiting for Lord RHONDDA." It seems to be another case of the Earl of +CHATHAM and Sir RICHAUD STRACHAN; and in the meantime the potatoes are +rotting. + +Provided that no scarcity of gas for other purposes is caused +the Government see no objection to its use for the propulsion of +motor-cars. On receiving this information Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING at +once ordered a Zeppelin attachment to his famous torpedo-shaped car. +No other gas-consumer will suffer, as he is prepared to keep the +apparatus inflated from his own retorts. + +By the scheme of the Boundary Commissioners, the roll of the Commons, +already a hundred per cent. too big for its accommodation, is to be +increased by some thirty Members. Various suggestions for enabling the +new-comers to assist at debates have been proposed. "Dug-outs" under +the existing benches, whence they could poke out their heads between +the legs of other Members, and "painters' cradles" depending from the +ceiling, or the galleries, are among the most popular. + +In the circumstances it is not surprising that the HOME SECRETARY +strenuously resisted the proposal of the London representatives to +give another couple of Members to "the hub of the universe," as Mr. +WATT, momentarily forgetting the claims of Glasgow, handsomely called +it. Among a number of minor concessions, Mr. THEODORE TAYLOR'S plea +that Batley should be associated with Morley "because they have had +many a tussle at cricket" could not be resisted. + +_Tuesday, November 6th._--A statement that the great War Savings +meeting at the Albert Hall cost £3,500, chiefly for the expenses of +delegates, shocked the thrifty conscience of Mr. HOGGE, who hoped Mr. +BALDWIN would discourage the PRIME MINISTER'S meetings if they were so +expensive. Mr. BALDWIN did not condescend to answer him or he might +have observed that the delegates in question were voluntary workers +who by their exertions had helped to raise over a hundred millions for +the prosecution of the War. + +Mr. TILLETT, the newly-elected Member for North Salford, took his +seat, and there was general cheering as, under the safe-conduct of two +amply-proportioned friends, Little Ben was introduced to Big Ben. + +[Illustration: THE NEW RECRUIT. SIR JOHN SIMON.] + +When Mr. BALFOUR informed Mr. JOWETT at Question-time that the only +commitments of Great Britain to France are contained in the Treaty of +Alliance of September 5th, 1914, which has been duly published, he +knocked the foundation from under the subsequent peace-debate. But +that did not prevent Mr. LEES SMITH from making a long speech, on the +assumption that by promising to help France to recover her ravished +provinces we had improperly extended the objects of the war. Mr. +MCCURDY, who shares with Mr. LEES SMITH the representation of +Northampton, plainly hinted that if his colleague cared to visit his +constituents they would be delighted to present him with a specimen of +the local manufacture. + +The speeches of Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. ASQUITH, though well worth +hearing, were hardly needed to complete the rout of the Pacifists; +and, in the division on the Closure, the men who are prepared (in Mr. +FABER'S pungent phrase) "to take the bloody hand of Germany" made a +very poor muster. + +_Wednesday, November 7th._--I am inclined to echo Lord SALISBURY'S +regret that Labour has no direct representative in the Upper House. +The proletarian peer, if there were one, would have been both +surprised and delighted to hear how the non-proletarians, without +exception, spoke of his class. + +My imaginary peer would have been especially edified by the speech of +Lord MILNER, whom a small but noisy section of the Press persists in +describing as more Prussian than the Prussians. Not under-estimating +the difficulties in the way of a frank and full understanding between +Capital and Labour, he nevertheless believed that they would be +overcome, because he had an abiding faith in the mass of his +fellow-countrymen. Not quite what one expects of a British Junker, is +it? + +_Thursday, November 8th._--When tonnage is so scarce it seems odd that +room can still be found for consignments of wild animals. Mr. PETO +drew attention to a coming cargo, including two hundred avadavats, the +little birds about which _Joseph Surface_ was so contemptuous, and six +hundred monkeys--"sufficient," as he pleasantly observed, "to fill +this House." + +For once Mr. BILLING expressed a widely-held opinion when he +questioned the propriety, in present circumstances, of holding the +LORD MAYOR'S Banquet. Mr. BONAR LAW'S solemn assurance that he only +accepted the invitation on the distinct understanding that the feast +would fall completely within the FOOD CONTROLLER'S regulations, was +not altogether convincing. Members were anxious to know the exact +dimensions that Lord RHONDDA has laid down for the turtle-ration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Onlooker_ (_at a Company exhibition, to the better +man_). "HERE, LAAD, NOT SO MOOCH OF IT. WE'M SHORT O' SOJERS IN OUR +COOMPANY, DOAN'T THEE FORGET!"] + + * * * * * + +GILBERT. + +We are all very fond of Gilbert. There are, however, one or two things +about him which even his best friends will admit make it hard for us +at times to remember how much we really love him. Sometimes he seems +almost too good to be true. Yet I have known wet horrible days in the +trenches when the sight of him coming smiling down the line, exuding +efficiency and enthusiasm at every pore, has made his fellow-officers +positively dislike him. + +For, alas, he is one of those dear overzealous fellows whom in moments +of depression we stigmatise as "hearty." He has even been known to +be hearty at breakfast; to come trampling into the dug-out with that +blinking old smile on his face, expressing immense satisfaction with +life in general at the top of a peculiarly robust voice; to tread on +his captain's toes and slap his next-door neighbour heartily on the +back, and then to explain to a swearing and choking audience how +splendidly he has slept, and what a topping day it is going to be. + +Never has Gilbert been known to spend a bad night; he is one of those +fortunate animals who can go to sleep standing and at five minutes' +notice, and start snoring at once. If you try to sleep anywhere near +him, you dream of finding yourself in Covent Garden station, trying to +board endless trains which roar through without stopping--that's the +kind of snore it is. + +And now it is time I told my story. + +It happened many years ago, when the War was young and the Bosch +comparatively aggressive; when our big guns fired once every other +Sunday and we lived precarious lives in holes in the ground. Our +Brigadier, a conscientious soldier of the old school, was dodging +round our line of trenches, and had just reached the sector allotted +to my company, which was also Gilbert's, when the distant buzz that +generally means an aeroplane overhead made itself distinctly heard. + +"Can you spot him?" said the General to his Brigade-major; "one of +theirs, I suppose?" + +Now it is as much as a Brigade-Major's job is worth to confess +ignorance at such a crisis. So, after sweeping the skies fruitlessly +with his glasses and listening intelligently to the steady drone, he +said, "Yes!" with as much conviction as possible. + +"Heads down," said the General sharply, "and don't move. Pass it +down." And by way of example he sat heavily on my periscope and stayed +gazing at the ground like a fakir lost in meditation. + +Meanwhile the message was passed along, and the trench became silent +as the grave. I was informed a few days later that it reached the +outer battalion of the next brigade later on in the morning, and was +popularly supposed to have reached Switzerland the same evening. + +For about five minutes the droning continued ("Having a good look at +us," said the Brigade-major in a sepulchral whisper) and then suddenly +ceased with what I can only describe as an appalling snort. Almost +simultaneously a tousled head was thrust out of a dug-out almost +into the great man's face, and Gilbert's cheerful roar was heard by +a scandalised company. + +"Had a topping sleep. What's the time, someone?" + + * * * * * + + "Best milch cows have been sold recently for £60 in the Isle + of Wight. At a meeting of the Cowes Council it was stated + that at Chichester cows had sold for £73 each."--_Times_. + +And now that the Isle of Wight milkers have held their indignation +meeting it is expected that the anomaly will be removed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE UP!] + + * * * * * + +PETER, THE TEMPTER. + +Necessity does not make stranger bedfellows than some of the changes +brought about by War. Who, for example--and certainly not such a born +sun-worshipper as I--would ever have dreamt that a time would come +when we in London and the Eastern counties would desire rain and wind +with a passionate keenness once reserved solely for fine weather? Yet +so it is. By reason of that foolish invention of flying we now, when +we go to the window in the morning and lift the blind, are dashed and +darkly thoughtful if no sky of grey scudding misery meets our gaze. +"Please Heaven it pours!" we say. Just think of it--"Please Heaven it +pours!" What a treachery! It may even come that we include prayers for +storms in the Liturgy. + +In default of bad weather we may have to Take Cover; and it is when +we Take Cover that discoveries begin and long-postponed adventures +fructify. For years and years, for example, I had looked down that +steep hill by the Tivoli site in the Strand into the yawning cavern +that opens there, and wondered about it. I had thought one day to +explore it, but had never done so, any more than I have yet proceeded +further towards a visit to the Roman Bath, also off the Strand, than +to threaten it. + +But I shall get to the Bath yet, because already, thanks to the +intervention of the Hun, I have become intimately acquainted with +Lower Robert Street, and the next step is simple. + +In the ordinary way, short of desperate impulse and decision--unless +by some happy chance I had relinquished the burden of this pen and +taken happy service with one of the wine merchants who store their +treasure there--I should never have entered Lower Robert Street at +all, for it goes nowhere and runs under the earth, and it is damp +and mouldy, and the only doors, leading to this vault and that, +are locked. But for all these disabilities Lower Robert Street is, +in Gotha and Zeppelin times, a very present help and refuge. There +assemble, with more or less fortitude and philosophy, the denizens +of the Adelphi, thankful indeed that the brothers Adam established +their streets and terrace on so useful a foundation; and there twice +recently have I joined them. And an odd assembly we have made, ranging +as we do from successful dramatists to needy journalists, with an +actress or so to keep us manly. + +There for long hours have we waited until the "All clear" has +sounded--or, at any rate, some have done so. As for myself, on the +last occasion, taking advantage of a lull in the uproar, I crept away +to bed, and, after falling into the sleep of exhaustion, had the +ironical experience of being rudely awakened by the reassuring bugles +and my night again ruined. + +Having taken cover only in Lower Robert Street, which is open to +all, I cannot with any personal knowledge speak of the camaraderie +of private basements; but I suppose that that exists and is another +of the War's byproducts. I take it that, in the event of a sudden +alarm, no householder with a cellar would be so inhuman as to +refuse admittance to a stranger, and already probably a myriad +new friendships and not a few engagements have resulted. Our own +camaraderie is admirable. The federation of the barrage breaks down +every obstacle; while a piece of shrapnel that one can display is more +valuable than any letter of introduction, no matter who wrote it. +Hence we all talk; and sometimes we sing too--choruses of the moment, +for the most part, in one of which the depth of our affection for our +maternal relative is measured and regulated by the floridity of the +roses growing on her porch. + +And yet, when at last friendliness is upon the town, there are +people--and not only alien Hebrews either--who have been hurrying away +from London! When London has become more interesting than ever before +in its history there are people who leave it! + +Personally I mean to cling to the old city as long as it will cling to +me; but even now across one's aching sight comes a "dream of pastime +premature" which shakes such resolves a little. Peter, for example, +has been having a disturbing effect on me. Only now and then, of +course--when I am not quite myself; when the two and thirty (what +remains of them) are not so firmly gritted as they should be; when +even London seems unworthy of devotion. + +But these moods pass. You will admit, though, that Peter has his lure. +I read about him in the _Tavistock Gazette_, one of the few papers, +I fancy, which does not belong to Lord NORTHCLIFFE; and this is +how the lyric (it is really a lyric, although it masquerades as an +advertisement) runs, not only in the paper but in my head: "To be +let, by Tender" (this is not an oath but some odd legal or commercial +term) "as and from Lady Day all that nice little PASTURE FARM known as +HIGHER CHURCH FARM, situate in the village of Peter Tavy." Now what +could be more unlike London under the German invasion and all that +nasty little tunnel known as Lower Robert Street, than Peter Tavy? + +But I must not be tempted. I must stick it out here. + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP À LA MODE. + +The mystification practised by authors who have passed off as their +own work the compositions of others is familiar to all literary +students. SHAKSPEARE'S assumption of borrowed plumes is of course +the classic example. But another and more subtle problem is the +interchange of functions between two men of letters; and the theory +recently advanced by the distinguished critic and occultist, Mr. +Pullar Leggatt, deserves at least a respectful hearing. + + * * * * * + +Briefly stated, it is that during his hermit existence at Putney +the late Mr. SWINBURNE effected an interchange of this sort with Sir +W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; the Editor of _The British Weekly_ devoting +himself to the composition of poems, while the poet assumed editorial +control of the famous newspaper. If the theory thus crudely stated +sounds somewhat fantastic the arguments on which it is based are +extraordinarily plausible if not convincing. + + * * * * * + +To begin with, experts in anagrams will not fail to notice that the +names ALGERNON SWINBURNE and W. ROBERTSON NICOLL contain practically +the same number of letters--absolutely the same if SWINBURNE is spelt +without an "e"--and that the forenames of both end in "-on," as does +also the concluding syllable of WATTS-DUNTON. The fact that the Editor +of _The British Weekly_ has never published any poems over his own +name only tends to confirm the theory, as the argument conclusively +establishes. + + * * * * * + +For it is impossible to believe that so versatile a polymath should +not at some time or other have courted the Muse, and if so, under what +name could he have had a stronger motive for publishing his poems than +that of SWINBURNE? So austere a theologian would naturally shrink from +revealing his excursions into the realms of poesy, and under this +disguise he was safe from detection. Lastly, while Sir W. ROBERTSON +NICOLL has always championed the Kailyard School, SWINBURNE lived +at The Pines. The connection is obvious; as thus: Kail, sea-kale, +sea-coal, coke, coker-nut, walnut, dessert, pine-apple, pine. + + * * * * * + +As regards SWINBURNE'S conduct of _The British Weekly_, it is enough +to point to such alliterative and melodious combinations as "Rambling +Remarks" and "Claudius Clear." The theological attitude of the paper +presents difficulties which are not so easy to overcome, but Mr. +Pullar Leggatt has promised to deal with this question later on. +Meanwhile the diplomatic silence maintained by Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL +and Mr. EDMUND GOSSE must not be interpreted as conveying either a +complete acceptance or a total rejection of this remarkable theory. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wounded Tommy_. "WILL YOU PLAY MENDELSSOHN'S 'SPRING +SONG,' PLEASE?" + +_Distinguished Pianist_ (_with a soul above Mendelssohn_). "I'M AFRAID +I CAN'T." + +_Tommy_. "IT IS A BIT OF A TEASER, AIN'T IT? TIES MY SISTER UP IN A +KNOT WHENEVER SHE TACKLES IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CRUMMLES. + +HERTLING "is not Prussian." + + * * * * * + +MY PYJAMAS. + +A STUDY IN THE FASTIDIOUS. + +I hope this is not going to be embarrassing. If so, it is not my +fault. This is history, please remember, not fiction. I wanted--I am +obliged to say it--pyjamas for winter wear. I know all about pyjamas +for summer wear; what I wanted was pyjamas for winter wear, and I +decided that Agnes should make them. For years I have been trying to +get proper pyjamas--by which I mean pyjamas properly made--but the +haberdasher always smiles depreciation and tells me that the goods he +offers me are what are always worn. Quite so; but what I say is that +out of bed and for the purpose of having your photograph taken Trade +pyjamas are all right; but that in bed they commit untold offences. I +enter my bed clothed; I settle down in it half-naked. The jacket has +run up to my arm-pits; my legs are bare to the knee; my arms to the +elbows; the loosely buttoned front is ruckled up into a funnel, down +which, whenever I move, the bedclothes like a bellows draw a chill +blast of air on to that particular part of my chest which is designed +for catching colds. When I turn over in my dreams I wake to find +myself tied as with ropes. Slumber's chains have indeed bound me. I am +a man in the clothing of a nightmare. The cold, cold sheets catch me +in the most ticklesome delicacies of my back and make me jump again. +Enough. + +"Well," said Agnes, "if I am going to make your pyjamas you must tell +me exactly what you want." + +"My pyjamas," I said, "shall be buttoned round the ankle and capacious +below the waist--there I ask a Turkish touch. The jacket shall be +buttoned at the wrists and baggy at the shoulder; at the chest it +shall strap me across like an R.F.C. tunic, and it shall be securely +clipped to the trousers." + +"Why not have it all in one?" + +"What!" I cried, "and parade hotel passages in search of the bath +looking like a clown out of a circus? No, thank you." + +"You must make me a pattern then," said Agnes, "or I shan't know what +to do." + +I can't make patterns, but I can, and I did, make plans of ground and +first-floor levels, a section and back and front elevations, all to a +scale of one inch to the foot exactly. I also made a full-size detail +of a toggle-and-cinch gear linking the upper storey to the lower. + +"I think," Agnes said, "you had better come to the shop and choose the +material." + +I thought so too. I wanted something gaudy that would make me feel +cheerful when I woke in the morning; but I also had another idea in +my mind. _Mangle-proof buttons_! Have the things been invented yet? + +The archbishop who attended to us deprecated the idea of india-rubber +buttons. + +"What kind are you now using?" he asked solicitously. + +"At present, on No. 2," I said, "I am using splinters of +mother-of-pearl. Last week, with No. 1, I used a steel ring hanging +by its rim to a shred of linen, two safeties, and a hairpin found on +the floor." + +I chose a flannel with broad green and violet stripes, and very large +buttons of vitrified brick which I hoped might break the mangle. These +buttons were emerald in colour and gave me a new idea. _Trimmings_. + +"I want to look right if the house catches fire," I told Agnes. "Green +sateen collar to match the buttons--" + +"And for the wristbands," said Agnes, catching my enthusiasm. + +"And for the wristbands," I agreed; "but," I added, "not at the +ankles. That would make the other people in the street expect me to +dance to them, and I don't know how to." + +And now the good work is complete. Toggle and cinch perform their +proud functions, and I sleep undisturbed by Arctic nightmares, for I +have substituted green ties for the stoneware buttons which reduced +my vitality by absorbing heat. My only trouble is my increasing +reluctance to rise in the morning. I don't like changing out of my +beautiful things so early in the day. I am beginning to want breakfast +in bed. + + * * * * * + +AT THE DUMP. + +(_LINES TO THE N.C.O. IN CHARGE._) + + Now is the hour of dusk and mist and midges, + Now the tired planes drone homeward through the haze, + And distant wood-fires wink behind the ridges, + And the first flare some timorous Hun betrays; + Now no shell circulates, but all men brood + Over their evening food; + The bats flit warily and owl and rat + With muffled cries their shadowy loves pursue, + And pleasant, Corporal, it is to chat + In this hushed moment with a man like you. + + How strange a spectacle of human passions + Is yours all day beside the Arras road, + What mournful men concerned about their rations + When here at eve the limbers leave their load, + What twilight blasphemy, what horses' feet + Entangled with the meat, + What sudden hush when that machine-gun sweeps, + And--flat as possible for men so round-- + The Quartermasters may be seen in heaps, + While you sit still and chuckle, I'll be bound! + + Here all men halt awhile and tell their rumours; + Here the young runners come to cull your tales, + How Generals talked with you, in splendid humours, + And how the Worcestershires have gone to Wales; + Up yonder trench each lineward regiment swings, + Saying some shocking things; + And here at dark sad diggers stand in hordes + Waiting the late elusive Engineer, + While glowing pipes illume yon notice-boards, + That say, "No LIGHTS. YOU MUST NOT LOITER HERE." + + And you sit ruminant and take no action, + But daylong watch the aeroplanes at play, + Or contemplate with secret satisfaction + Your fellow-men proceeding towards the fray; + Your sole solicitude when men report + There is a shovel short, + Or, numbering jealously your rusty store, + Some mouldering rocket, some wet bomb you miss + That was reserved for some ensuing war, + But on no grounds to be employed in this. + + For Colonels flatter you, most firm of warders, + For sandbags suppliant, and do no good, + And high Staff officers and priests in orders + In vain beleaguer you for bits of wood, + While I, who have nor signature nor chit, + But badly want a bit, + I only talk to you of these high themes, + Nor stoop to join the sycophantic choir, + Seeing (I trust) my wicked batman, Jeames, + Has meanwhile pinched enough to light my fire. + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_looking out of train on to darkened +platform_). "PORTER, IS THIS EDGWARE ROAD? I CAN'T SEE A THING." + +_Porter_ (_with Irish blood in her_). "NOT YET, M'M. EDGWARE ROAD'S +THE STATION BEFORE YOU GETS TO BAKER STHEET."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +"In a few days," says the puff preliminary of _The Coming_ (CHATTO +AND WINDUS), "you and all your friends will be reading and discussing +this most strange and prophetic novel." Perhaps. But what we shall +be saying about it depends largely, I suppose, upon our definition +of the term prophetic; also a little upon our feeling with regard to +good taste and the permissible in fiction. My own contribution will +be a sincere regret that a writer as gifted as Mr. J.C. SNAITH should +have attempted the obviously impossible. His theme, symbolised by a +wrapper-design of three figures silhouetted against a golden sunrise, +is a second advent of the Messiah, embodied in the person of a village +carpenter named (with palpable significance) _John Smith_, whom local +prejudice sends, not inexcusably, to a madhouse, where he dies, after +converting the inmates and instituting a campaign of universal peace. +Frankly, the chief interest of such a wildly fantastic idea lies in +watching just how far Mr. SNAITH can carry it without too flagrant +offence. That his treatment is both sincere and careful hardly lessens +my feeling that the whole attempt is one to be deplored. Humour of the +intentional kind has, of course, no place in the author's scheme. How +remote is its banishment you may judge when I tell you that the Divine +message is represented as given to mankind in the form of a wonderful +play, which instantly achieves world-wide fame, being performed by no +fewer than fifty companies in America alone. The problem (to name but +one) of the resulting struggle between plenary inspiration and the +conditions of a fit-up tour is only another proof of my contention +that there are more things in heaven and earth than can be treated +in realistic fiction, and that Mr. SNAITH'S good intentions have +unfortunately betrayed him into selecting the least possible. + + * * * * * + +If _Humphrey Thorncot_ and his sister _Edith_ had not bored one +another and grown touchy--I judge by their reported conversations--in +a house with green shutters in Chelsea, they would never have gone +to St. Elizabeth, which is a Swiss resort, and would never have met +the East-Prussian family of the _von Ludwigs_ in the year before the +War. And _Humphrey_ would never have fallen (temporarily) in love +with _Hulda von Ludwig_, nor would _Karl von Ludwig_ have fallen +(permanently) in love with _Edith Thorncot_. The troubles and miseries +of this latter couple are related by Mr. HUGH SPENDER in _The Gulf_ +(COLLINS). Papa _von Ludwig_ objects so violently to all this +love-making that he eventually succumbs to a regular East-Prussian +stroke of apoplexy which all but leads to a charge of parricide +against _Karl_ by his base brother, _Wilhelm_. _Karl_ is really too +good for this world. He objects to atrocities and refuses at the risk +of his own life to shoot innocent Belgian villagers. Being imprisoned, +he escapes by means of a secret sliding panel and an underground +passage which leads him, not immediately, but after many vicissitudes, +to America. There he is joined by his faithful _Edith_, who defies the +Gulf caused by the War, and marries him. Mr. SPENDER appears to have +been in some doubt as to whether he should write the story of two +souls or the history of the first few weeks of the War. Eventually +he elects to do both, and his novel consequently suffers somewhat in +grip. He certainly paints a very vivid picture of events in the first +period of active operations. May I hint a doubt, by the way, whether +in 1913 a French Professor would have mentioned HINDENBURG as one of +Germany's most important men? Whatever he may have been in Germany, +HINDENBURG was for the outside world a later discovery. + + * * * * * + +_Further Memories_ (HUTCHINSON) is justly called by its publishers +a "fascinating volume." The designation will not surprise those who +enjoyed the late Lord REDESDALE'S former book of recollections. The +present collection is a little haphazard (but none the worse for +that), its chapters ranging over such diverse subjects as Gardens +and Trees, QUEEN VICTORIA, BUDDHA, and the Commune. Certainly not +the least interesting is that devoted to the story of the Wallace +Collection, of which Lord REDESDALE was one of the trustees. His +account of the origin and devolution of the famous treasures will +invest them with a new interest in the happy days when they shall +again be visible. Mr. EDMUND GOSSE contributes a foreword to the +present volume, in which he draws a pathetic picture of the author, +still unconquerably young, despite his years, facing the future with +only one fear, that of the unemployment to which his increasing +deafness, and the break-up of the world as it was before the War, +seemed to be condemning him. _Further Memories_ was, we are told, +undertaken as some sort of a safeguard against this menace of +stagnation. It was a measure for which we may all be glad, as we can +share Mr. GOSSE'S thanksgiving that the writer's death, coming when +it did, saved him, as he had wished, "from all consciousness of +decrepitude." + + * * * * * + +When an unstable young wife, getting tired of a pedantic husband in +the way so familiar to students of novels, goes off with a companion +more to her taste, anyone can foresee trouble, or what would there be +to write about? When, further, her detestable lover, seeking change +and fearing the financial lash of his properly indignant parent, +terminates the arrangement, even an observer of real life can +guess that her return to her rightful lord and master must entail +disagreeables; but only a reader well brazened in modern fiction could +expect Don Juan promptly to make love to and marry the husband's +sister without a word of apology to anyone. This kind of rather +unsavoury dabbling in problems best left to themselves generally +concludes with the decease of most of the characters and a sort +of clearing up, and to this rule, after many years and pages of +discomfort, MARY E. MANN'S new story, _The Victim_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), is no exception. Not a very attractive programme, but all +the same the volume has one or two redeeming features. For one thing, +the sister is clearly and attractively drawn, and so is the picture on +the wrapper, though it represents no particular incident to be traced +in the pages of the volume which it adorns. Writing more strongly than +is perhaps her wont, Mrs. MANN has taken some trouble to emphasise the +fact that in these cases of uncontrolled passion the major penalty +of guilt is borne not by the offenders themselves but by the first +generation succeeding. This does need saying occasionally, I suppose, +and to that extent _The Victim_ redeems itself from the charge of +trivial unpleasantness. + + * * * * * + +Mr. J. RATH has really discovered a new type of heroine, new at least +this side the Atlantic. His farm-bred _Sadie_, a Buffalo shirt-packer, +classifies men by the sizes of their shirts, has no use for any +swain with a chest measurement under forty, and eventually in a most +original way finds her hero in _Mister 44_ (METHUEN), an enormous +Canadian engineer and sportsman. She is no chicken herself and has +a passion to be free of the city and out in the great open. _Sadie_ +is more than big; she is beautiful, burnished-copper-haired, sincere +and kind, and, though I think the author "gets this over" quite well +I liked her best before she found her man and her _Robinson Crusoe_ +adventures among the islands of Ontario, and was giving back chat to +the little foreman in the factory. Here she is a pure delight; and +in these days, when a knowledge of the American language may come in +handy at any moment, this amiable romance may well be recommended as +an attractive manual of first-aid in the matter. + + * * * * * + +Without professing to be a student of Mrs. DIVER'S books I know enough +about them to be worried by the commonplaceness of _Unconquered_ +(MURRAY). Like so many other authors she has succumbed to the lure +of the War-novel. There may be a public for tales of this kind, but +I have not yet read one that approaches artistic success. Here we +are spared nothing. _Sir Mark Forsyth_ goes to France in the early +days, is first of all reported "missing, believed killed," and then +officially reported "killed." Of course he turns up again, but such +a physical wreck that the minx whom he was to have married breaks +off the engagement. Naturally the sweet girl, friend of _Mark's_ +childhood, undertakes to fill the gap. The minx, _Bel Alison_, is so +scathingly drawn that from sheer perversity I found myself hunting +for one good point in her character; but without a find. On the other +hand, _Lady Forsyth_, _Mark's_ mother, and a quiet, capable man called +_Macnair_, are admirably put before us. Yet at best there remains +the conviction that the War is terribly real that these attempts to +romance about it are almost bound to be as superficial as they are +superfluous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DURING THE RAID. _Disappointed Player_. "HARD LINES! I +HAD AN EASY FIVE SHOT THAT WOULD HAVE RUN ME OUT."] + + * * * * * + + "Lost, between Ryde Pier and Southsea, Black Satin Bag, containing + keys and eyeglasses. Reward given."--_Portsmouth Paper_. + +A chance for the local mine-sweepers. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, NOV. 14, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11428-8.txt or 11428-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/2/11428 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 14, 1917</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 3, 2004 [eBook #11428]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, NOV. 14, 1917***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> + <hr class="full" /> + <br /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 14, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page327" + id="page327"></a>[pg 327]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>People are asking, "Can there be a hidden brain in the + Foreign Office?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A German posing as a Swiss, and stated by the police to be + "a spy and a dangerous character," has been sentenced to six + months' imprisonment. The matter will be further investigated + pending his escape.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Three men were charged at Old Street last week with + attempting the "pot of tea" trick. The trick apparently + consists in finding a man with a pot of tea and giving him a + sovereign to go round the corner and buy a ham sandwich, the + thief meanwhile offering to hold the pot of tea. When the owner + returns the tea has, of course, vanished.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The increased consumption of bread, says Sir ARTHUR YAPP, is + due to the 9<i>d.</i> loaf. It would just serve us right if + bread cost 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a pound and there wasn't any, + like everything else.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It is all a matter of taste," says a correspondent of + <i>The Daily Mail</i>, "but I think parsnips are now at their + best." They may be looking their best, but the taste remains + the same.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Seventy tons of blackberries for the soldiers have been + gathered by school-children in Buckinghamshire. Arrangements + have been made for converting this fruit into plum-and-apple + jam.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Home Ruler" was the occupation given by a Chertsey woman on + her sugar-card application. The FOOD CONTROLLER states that + although this form of intimidation may work with the Government + it has no terrors for him.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Russian Minister of Finance anticipates getting a + revenue of forty million pounds from a monopoly of tea. It is + thought that he must have once been a grocer.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Law Courts are to be made available as an air-raid + shelter by day and night, and some of our revue proprietors are + already complaining of unfair competition.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Two survivors of the battle of Inkerman have been discovered + at Brighton. Their inactivity in the present crisis is most + unfavourably commented on by many of the week-end visitors.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A dolphin nearly eight feet in length has been landed by a + boy who was fishing at Southwold. Its last words were that it + hoped the public would understand that it had only heard of the + food shortage that morning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Captain OTTO SVERDRUP, the Arctic explorer, has returned his + German decorations. Upon hearing this the KAISER at once gave + orders for the North Pole to be folded up and put away.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A certain number of cold storage eggs at sixpence each are + being released in Berlin and buyers are urged to "fetch them + promptly." In this connection several Iron Crosses have already + been awarded for acts of distinguished bravery by + civilians.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>One of the new toys for Christmas is a cat which will swim + about in a bath. If only the household cat could learn to swim + it might be the means of saving several of its lives.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A correspondent would like to know whether the naval surgeon + who recently described in <i>The Lancet</i> how he raised + "hypnotic blisters" by suggestion received his tuition from one + of our University riverside coaches.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are asked to deny the rumour that Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, + who last week cracked a joke which was not understood by some + American soldiers, has decided to do it all over again.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The power of music! An enterprising firm of manufacturers + offers pensions to women who become widows after the purchase + of a piano on the instalment plan.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that a Member of Parliament will shortly ask + for a day to be set aside to inquire into the conduct of Mr. + PHILIP SNOWDEN, who is reported to have recently shown marked + pro-British tendencies.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In view of the attitude taken up by <i>The Daily Express</i> + against Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we + understand that the celebrated author, who has long + contemplated the final death of <i>Sherlock Holmes</i>, has + arranged that the famous detective shall one day be found dead + with a copy of <i>The Daily Express</i> in his hand.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public + eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of + the growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of + chaining them to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as + safe.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/327.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/327.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>INDIA MOVES.</h3> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—The following is taken from a letter + from the Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers + Commanding Divisions and Independent Brigades:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I am directed to point out that at present there + appears to be considerable diversity of opinion regarding + the number of buttons, and the method of placing the same + on mattresses in use in hospitals.</p> + + <p>"I am therefore to request that in future all hospital + mattresses should be made up with fifty-three buttons + placed in fifteen rows of four and three alternately."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This should convince your readers that even India has at + last grasped the idea of the War and is getting a move on.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless + and successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's + knee, which he fractured six years ago."—<i>Sunday + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If the case is correctly reported—which we + doubt—it was very confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him + again.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page328" + id="page328"></a>[pg 328]</span> + + <h2>MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beersheba gone, and Gaza too!</p> + + <p class="i2">And lo! the British lion,</p> + + <p>After a pause to comb his mane,</p> + + <p>Is grimly padding off again,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tail up, <i>en route</i> for Zion.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, things are looking rather blue,</p> + + <p class="i2">Just as in Mesopotamy;</p> + + <p>My life-blood trickles in the sand;</p> + + <p>My veins run dry; I cannot stand</p> + + <p class="i2">Much more of this phlebotomy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sick as a mule with glanders;</p> + + <p>Too busy—selfish swine—is he</p> + + <p>With winning ground in Italy</p> + + <p class="i2">And losing it in Flanders.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His missives urge me not to fly</p> + + <p class="i2">But use the utmost fury</p> + + <p>To hold these Christian dogs at bay</p> + + <p>And for his sake to block the way</p> + + <p class="i2">To his belovéd Jewry.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My feet," he wired, "have trod those scenes;</p> + + <p class="i2">Within the walls of Salem</p> + + <p>My sacred presence deigned to dwell,</p> + + <p>And I should hate these hounds of hell</p> + + <p class="i2">To be allowed to scale 'em.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"So do your best to give them beans</p> + + <p class="i2">(You have some ammunition?),</p> + + <p>And at a less congested date</p> + + <p>I will arrive and consecrate</p> + + <p class="i2">Another German mission."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That's how he wires, alternate days,</p> + + <p class="i2">But sends no troops to trammel</p> + + <p>The foe that follows as I bump</p> + + <p>Across Judæa on the hump</p> + + <p class="i2">Of my indifferent camel.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, I have tried all means and ways,</p> + + <p class="i2">But seldom fail to foozle 'em;</p> + + <p>And now if WILLIAM makes no sign</p> + + <p>(This is his funeral more than mine)</p> + + <p class="i2">The giaours can have Jerusalem.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SUGAR FIEND.</h2> + + <p>"I will have a cup of tea," I said to the waitress, "China + if possible; and please don't forget the sugar."</p> + + <p>"Yes, and what will you eat with I it?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"What you please," I replied; "it is all horrible."</p> + + <p>I do not take kindly to war-time teas. My idea of a tea is + several cups of the best China, with three large lumps of sugar + in each, and half-a-dozen fancy-cakes with icing sugar all over + them and cream in the middle, and just a few cucumber + sandwiches for the finish. (This does sound humorous, no doubt, + but I seek no credit for it. Humour used to depend upon a sense + of proportion. It now depends upon memory. The funniest man in + England at the present moment is the man who has the most + accurate memory for the things he was doing in the early summer + of 1914).</p> + + <p>The loss of the cakes I could bear stoically enough if they + would leave my tea alone, or rather if they would allow me a + reasonable amount of sugar for it. However, we are an adaptable + people and there are ways in which even the sugar paper-dish + menace can be met. My own plan, here offered freely to all my + fellow-sufferers, provides an admirable epitome of War and + Peace. The sugar allowance being about half what it ought to + be, I take half of the cup unsweetened, thus tasting the + bitterness of war, and then I put in the sugar and bask in the + sunshine of peace.</p> + + <p>On this particular occasion peace was on the point of being + declared when I found my attention irresistibly compelled by + the man sitting opposite to me, the only other occupant of my + table. At first I thought of asking him not to stare at me so + rudely, and then I found that he was not looking at me but over + my shoulder at some object at the end of the room. I can resist + the appeal of three hundred people gazing into the sky at the + same moment, but the intense concentration of this man was too + much for me. I turned round. Seeing nothing unusual I turned + back again, but it was too late. My sugar had gone! No trace of + it anywhere, except in the bubbles that winked suspiciously on + the surface of the miscreant's tea.</p> + + <p>His face did not belong to any of the known criminal types. + It was a pale, dreamy, garden-suburb sort of face—a face + you couldn't possibly give in charge, except, perhaps, under + the Military Service Acts.</p> + + <p>"Do you know," I said to him, "that you have just committed + one of the most terrible offences open to civilised + mankind—a crime even worse (Heaven help me if I + exaggerate) than trampling on an allotment?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, I'm sorry!" he replied, waking from his dream. "Did you + want that sugar? You know, you seemed to be getting on very + well without it."</p> + + <p>As I could not believe him to be beyond the reach of pity, I + explained my method to him, describing as harrowingly as I + could the joy of those first few moments after the declaration + of peace. I suggested to him that he might sometimes find it + useful himself, if ever he should be compelled to sit at an + unoccupied table. ("<i>Touché</i>," he murmured, raising + his hat). "And now," I concluded, "as I have told you my + system, perhaps you will tell me yours—not for imitation, + but for avoidance."</p> + + <p>"There is very little to tell," he replied sorrowfully, "but + it is tragic enough. All my life I have been fond of sugar. + Before the war I took always nine lumps to a cup of tea. (It + was my turn to raise my hat.) By a severe course of + self-repression I have reduced it to seven, but I cannot get + below that. I have given up the attempt. There are a hundred + cures for the drink habit; there is not one for the sugar + habit. As I cannot repress the desire, I have had to put all my + energy into getting hold of sugar. I noticed some time ago that + at these restaurants they give the sugar allowance to all + customers who ask for tea or coffee, although perhaps twenty + per cent. of them do not take sugar at all. It is these people + who supply me with the extra sugar I need. In your case it was + an honest mistake. I always wait to see if people are proposing + to use their sugar before I appropriate it."</p> + + <p>"But if you only take from the willing," I inquired, "why do + you not ask their permission?"</p> + + <p>"I suppose I have given you the right to ask me that + question," he replied with much dignity, "but it is painful to + me to have to answer it. I have not yet sunk so low that I have + to beg people for their cast-off sugar. I may come to it in the + end, perhaps. At present the 'earnest gaze' trick is generally + sufficient, or, where it fails, a kick on the shin. But I hate + cruelty."</p> + + <p>"Physical cruelty," I suggested.</p> + + <p>"No, any kind of cruelty. I have said that in your case I + made a mistake. If I could repair it I would."</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "here's something you can do towards it, + although it's little enough." And I handed him the ticket the + waitress had written out for me. "And now I'll go and get a cup + of tea somewhere."</p> + + <p>"One moment," he said, as I rose to go. "We may meet + again."</p> + + <p>"Never!" I said firmly.</p> + + <p>"Ah, but we may, I have a number of disguises. Let me + suggest something that will make another mistake of this kind + impossible."</p> + + <p>"I am not going to give up my plan," I said.</p> + + <p>"No, don't," he answered; "but <i>why not drink the sugared + half first?</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Extract from an official letter received "Somewhere in + France":—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It must be clearly understood that the numbers shown + under the heading, 'Awaiting Leave' will be the number of + all ranks who have not had leave to the United Kingdom + since last arrival in this country, whether such arrival + was their last return from Leave, or their last arrival in + France."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And the Authorities are still wondering why the "Awaiting + Leave" list tallied so exactly with the daily strength.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page329" + id="page329"></a>[pg 329]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/329.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/329.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A GREAT INCENTIVE.</h3>MEHMED (<i>reading despatch from + the All-Highest</i>). "'DEFEND JERUSALEM AT ALL COSTS FOR + MY SAKE. I WAS ONCE THERE MYSELF.'" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page330" + id="page330"></a>[pg 330]</span> + + <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> + + <p>The ammunition columns on either flank provide us with + plenty of amusement. They seem to live by stealing each other's + mules. My line-guards tell me that stealthy figures leading + shadowy donkeys are crossing to and fro all night long through + my lines. The respective C.O.'s, an Australian and an Irishman, + drop in on us from time to time and warn us against each other. + I remain strictly neutral, and so far they have respected my + neutrality. I have taken steps toward this end by surrounding + my horses with barbed wire and spring guns, tying bells on them + and doubling the guard.</p> + + <p>Monk, the Australian, dropped in on us two or three days + ago. "That darn Sinn Feiner is the limit," said he; "lifted my + best moke off me last night while I was up at the batteries. + He'd pinch BALAAM'S ass." We murmured condolences, but Monk + waived them aside. "Oh, it's quite all right. I wasn't born + yesterday, or the day before for that matter. I'll make that + merry Fenian weep tears of blood before I've finished. Just you + watch."</p> + + <p>O'Dwyer, the merry Fenian, called next day.</p> + + <p>"Give us a dhrink, brother-officers," said he, "I'm wake wid + laughter."</p> + + <p>We asked what had happened.</p> + + <p>"Ye know that herrin'-gutted bush-ranger over yonder? He'd + stale the milk out of your tea, he would, be the same token. + Well, last night he got vicious and took a crack at my lines. I + had rayson to suspect he'd be afther tryin' somethin' on, so I + laid for him. I planted a certain mule where he <i>could</i> + stale it an' guarded the rest four deep. Begob, will ye believe + me, but he fell into the thrap head-first—the poor simple + divil."</p> + + <p>"But he got your mule," said Albert Edward, perplexed.</p> + + <p>"Shure an' he did, you bet he did—he got old + Lyddite."</p> + + <p>Albert Edward and I were still puzzled.</p> + + <p>"Very high explosive—hence name," O'Dwyer + explained.</p> + + <p>"Dear hearrts," he went on, "he's got my stunt mule, my + family assassin! That long-ear has twenty-three casualties to + his credit, including a Brigadier. I have to twitch him to + harness him, side-line him to groom him, throw him to clip him, + and dhrug him to get him shod. Perceive the jest now? Esteemed + comrade Monk is afther pinchin' an infallable packet o' sudden + death, an' he don't know it—yet."</p> + + <p>"What's the next move?" I inquired.</p> + + <p>"I'm going to lave him there. Mind you I don't want to lose + the old moke altogether, because, to tell the truth, I'm a + biteen fond of him now that I know his thricks, but I figure + Mr. Monk will be a severely cured character inside a week, an' + return the beastie himself with tears an' apologies on vellum + so long."</p> + + <p>I met O'Dwyer again two days later on the mud track. He + reined up his cob and begged a cigarette.</p> + + <p>"Been havin' the fun o' the worrld down at the + dressin'-station watchin' Monk's casualties rollin' in," said + he. "Terrible spectacle, 'nough to make a sthrong man weep. + Mutual friend Monk lookin' 'bout as genial as a wet hen. This + is goin' to be a wondherful lesson to him. See you later." He + nudged his plump cob and ambled off, whistling merrily.</p> + + <p>But it was Monk we saw later. He wormed his long corpse into + "<i>Mon Repos</i>" and sat on Albert Edward's bed laughing like + a tickled hyena. "Funniest thing on earth," he spluttered. "A + mule strayed into my lines t'other night and refused to leave. + It was a rotten beast, a holy terror; it could kick a fly off + its ears and bite a man in half. I don't mind admitting it + played battledore and what's-'is-name with my organisation for + a day or two, but out of respect for O'Dwyer, blackguard though + he is, I ..."</p> + + <p>"Oh, so it was O'Dwyer's mule?" Albert Edward cut in + innocently.</p> + + <p>Monk nodded hastily. "Yes, so it turned out. Well, out of + respect for O'Dwyer I looked after it as far as it would allow + me, naturally expecting he'd come over and claim it—but + he didn't. On the fourth day, after it had made a light + breakfast off a bombardier's ear and kicked a gap in a farrier, + I got absolutely fed up, turned the damn cannibal loose and + gave it a cut with a whip for godspeed. It made off due east, + cavorting and snorting until it reached the tank-track; there + it stopped and picked a bit of grass. Presently along comes a + tank, proceeding to the fray, and gives the mule a poke in the + rear. The mule lashes out, catching the tank in the chest, and + then goes on with his grazing without looking round, leaving + the tank for dead, as by all human standards it should have + been, of course. But instead of being dead the box of tricks + ups and gives the donk another butt and moves on. That roused + the mule properly. He closed his eyes and laid into the tank + for dear life; you could hear it clanging a mile away.</p> + + <p>"After delivering two dozen of the best, the moke turned + round to sniff the cold corpse, but the corpse was still warm + and smiling. Then the mule went mad and set about the tank in + earnest. He jabbed it in the eye, upper-cut it on the point, + hooked it behind the ear, banged its slats, planted his left on + the mark and his right on the solar plexus, but still the tank + sat up and took nourishment.</p> + + <p>"Then the donkey let a roar out of him and closed with it; + tried the half-Nelson, the back heel, the scissors, the roll, + and the flying-mare; tried Westmoreland and Cumberland style, + collar and elbow, Cornish, Græco-Roman, + scratch-as-scratch-can and Ju-jitsu. Nothing doing. Then as a + last despairing effort he tried to charge it over on its back + and rip the hide off it with his teeth.</p> + + <p>"But the old tank gave a 'good-by ee' cough of its exhaust + and rumbled off as if nothing had happened, nothing at all. I + have never seen such a look of surprise on any living + creature's face as was on that donk's. He sank down on his + tail, gave a hissing gasp and rolled over stone dead. Broken + heart."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page331" + id="page331"></a>[pg 331]</span> + + <p>"Is that the end?" Albert Edward inquired.</p> + + <p>"It is," said Monk; "and if you go outside and look + half-right you'll see the bereaved Mr. O'Dwyer, all got up in + sack-cloth, cinders and crêpe rosettes, mooning over the + deceased like a dingo on an ash-heap." PATLANDER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/330.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/330.png" + alt="" /></a>Keen Motorist <i>(who has temporarily + taken to push-biking, to leisurely fowl which has + brought him low)</i>. "JUST YOU WAIT TILL THEY REMOVE + THESE PETROL RESTRICTIONS." + + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"For the Duration ..."</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The forenoon service in the Parish Church will be at 11 + o'clock instead of 11.15 on Sunday first, and will continue + till further orders."—<i>Scottish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>Aid for the Military Police.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The recruiting hut which is being erected in Trafalgar + Square in connection with the campaign undertaken by the + Ministry of Labour to recruit women for the Women's Army + Auxiliary Cops will shortly be completed."—<i>Sunday + Pictorial</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"She was visited occasionally by a man of foreign + appearance, who was believed to be her + bother-in-law."—<i>Ipswich Evening Star.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Probably one of those "strained relations" we so often read + about.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"My Correspondent's bona fides are above + suspicion."—<i>"The Clubman" in "The Pall Matt + Gazette."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>One good fide deserves another, but of course the more the + merrier.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/331.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/331.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Aunt Maria</i>. "DO YOU KNOW I ONCE + ACTUALLY SAW THE KAISER RIDING THROUGH THE STREETS OF + LONDON AS BOLD AS BRASS. IF I'D KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW + NOW I'D HAVE TOLD A POLICEMAN." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>INVITATION.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you will come and stay with us you shall not want + for ease;</p> + + <p>We'll swing you on a cobweb between the forest + trees;</p> + + <p>And twenty little singing-birds upon a flowering + thorn</p> + + <p>Shall hush you every evening and wake you every + morn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you will come and stay with us you need not miss + your school;</p> + + <p>A learned toad shall teach you, high-perched upon + his stool;</p> + + <p>And he will tell you many things that none but + fairies know—</p> + + <p>The way the wind goes wandering and how the daisies + grow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you will come and stay with us you shall not + lack, my dear,</p> + + <p>The finest fairy raiment, the best of fairy + cheer;</p> + + <p>We'll send a million glow-worms out, and slender + chains of light</p> + + <p>Shall make a shining pathway—then why not come + to-night?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>R.F.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>CHRISTMAS FARE IN WAR-TIME.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Whatever the dinner be like, we can still have our fill + of holly and mistletoe."—<i>Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>IMITATION AIR-RAIDS.</h2> + + <p>Mr. Punch is glad to note that some real efforts are being + made to meet the public needs in this matter on nights when + there is no attack by the enemy.</p> + + <p>In particular the owners of certain large warehouses have + come forward in a spirited manner by giving directions for the + banging of large folding-doors at suitable (irregular) hours. + Private individuals also, especially when returning home late + at night, can do something in the way of supplying + entertainment for nervous residents in the neighbourhood. Much + is expected, too, of the large dairy companies, who, by their + control of vast numbers of heavy milk-cans, are in a peculiarly + favoured position. By the manipulation of these vessels on a + stone floor a very complete imitation of a raid can be + produced. A good deal, of course, can be done by any ordinary + householder. "I have had great fun," one correspondent writes, + "with a very deliberate and heavily-striking Dutch clock, which + I have lately put against my party-wall. My neighbour's family + frequently jump up and run for the basement. When they get used + to the thing I shall give the other side a + turn."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page332" + id="page332"></a>[pg 332]</span> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FIRE-DRILL.</h2> + + <p>Once a month, as laid down in "Orders for Auxiliary + Hospitals for Officers," or some such document, we practise + fire-drill. This consists of escaping from upper windows by + means of precarious canvas chutes. The only people exempted + from this ceremony are Mrs. Ropes—who watches with great + delight from a safe distance—and Sister, who stands + sternly at the top to make sure (a) that those patients who + don't want to go down do go down, and (b) that those patients + who do want to go down don't go down more than once. No excuses + are taken. The fixed ration is one slither per chute per + person.</p> + + <p>We had this month's rehearsal last Tuesday. The patients + were put through it first, Major Stanley—to his great + disgust—being chosen to lead the way and set his juniors + an example. He was told that it was possible, by sticking out + his elbows, to go down as slowly as he liked; but he must have + done it wrong somehow, for he disappeared with startling + suddenness the instant he let go the window-sill, and almost + simultaneously his boots shot out at the other end and doubled + Dutton the butler up so badly that he had to be taken away and + reinflated.</p> + + <p>Haynes, who came next, insisted on first making his dying + speech from the window, for, as he pointed out to Sister, when + people allowed themselves to be inserted alive into machines of + this type there was every likelihood of their reappearing at + the other end in the form of sausages. Seymour handed Sister a + bulky package labelled "WILL" before starting, and most of us + managed to be mildly humorous in some way or other.</p> + + <p>Mrs. Ropes, on the lawn, enjoyed it all immensely; and so + did Ansell, who was standing beside her with an air of + detachment. Sister's eagle eye singled him out.</p> + + <p>"Come along, Mr. Ansell," she called. "I see you—your + turn next. No shirking."</p> + + <p>"I'm not in this, Sister," he answered loftily.</p> + + <p>"Oh, indeed! And why not?"</p> + + <p>"Because I sleep on the verandah. If there's a fire I simply + get out of bed and step into the garden."</p> + + <p>"Oh, no, you don't," put in Seymour. "That would be entirely + contrary to regulations. The official method of escaping from + burning buildings is down the official chute. In case of fire + your correct procedure will be to double smartly upstairs, + commend your soul to Providence in a soldier-like manner, and + toboggan smartly down."</p> + + <p>(Have I mentioned that Seymour is an Adjutant?)</p> + + <p>"That's right, Captain Seymour," said Sister from above. + "Bring him up under escort if necessary."</p> + + <p>After the patients came Miss Ropes, and after her the + domestic staff, beginning with the less valuable members and + working up gradually to Dutton and Cook. It was possible to + trace the progress of the younger and slighter maids by a + swiftly-descending squeal, while that of the more portly was + visible as a leisurely protuberance. At last Cook was the only + one left—Dutton was not feeling quite up to performing + the journey. She was a new cook, and very precious. She had all + the generous proportions of her profession, and with them went + a placid temper and a great sense of personal dignity.</p> + + <p>"Oh, Cook," said Miss Ropes, "<i>you</i> needn't go down, + you know, unless you want to."</p> + + <p>There are times when official regulations must be sacrificed + to diplomacy. But Cook was in high good humour, and quite + determined on doughty deeds. Miss Ropes said no more.</p> + + <p>The task of getting a wide cook into a narrow canvas tube + proved quite unexpectedly difficult; and, when it was + accomplished, so far from sticking out her elbows as brakes, + she had to press them close to her sides in order to move at + all. With the aid of a friendly pressure applied to the top of + her head by Sister she got slowly under way. The chute bulged + portentously. The bulge travelled a few feet; then it stuck and + became violently agitated. Sister clutched at the top of the + chute, while Dutton hung manfully on to the other end.</p> + + <p>"Don't struggle," said Sister in a stern professional voice. + "Keep your arms still, and you'll come down all right." A + muffled screaming and a dangerously increased agitation of the + chute was the only reply. Cook had quite lost her head and was + having violent hysterics. Three or four of us raced upstairs to + aid Sister in keeping the top end of the apparatus from jerking + free, while several more went to the assistance of the + flustered Dutton.</p> + + <p>Cook ceased to struggle for a moment, but only through + exhaustion; for when Sister seized the opportunity to repeat + her advice a fresh paroxysm came on, and everybody "stood to" + at their posts again. Miss Ropes conceived the idea of + attaching a cord to Cook's armpits and hauling her up again by + main force. She dashed into the house, and found a demoralised + kitchen-maid calling incoherently for help down the + telephone.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile Cook had had her worst spasm. We hung grimly on to + the chute, dismally confident that something would have to give + way soon. Suddenly there was a rending sound; the seam of the + canvas ripped open and a gaping slit appeared, through which + Cook's freed arm flapped wildly. Then the arm disappeared as + the body to which it was attached gathered momentum; and when + Miss Ropes appeared with a length of cord she was just in time + to see her retainer return to the world—alive, but + practically inside out.</p> + + <p>As soon as Cook recovered her breath it was apparent that + her temper was no longer placid. Forgetting entirely that it + was by her own choice that she had made the trip, she gave us + all to understand that she believed the whole incident to have + been specially arranged for her humiliation. She gave notice on + the spot, and staggered indignantly to the house to pack her + box, leaving her employer once again face to face with the + Servant Problem.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ARTISETTE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>(<i>An Engineering School for Women has been started in + Scotland.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What if my lady should appear</p> + + <p>In a mechanic's grimy gear?</p> + + <p>I shall not squeamishly decline</p> + + <p class="i2">To figure at her shrine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If Vulcan's smoky sway precludes</p> + + <p>An assignation in the woods,</p> + + <p>I shall not linger less elate</p> + + <p class="i2">Outside the foundry gate.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When she knocks off at eventide</p> + + <p>I'll flutter fondly to her side,</p> + + <p>And demonstrate that grease and oil</p> + + <p class="i2">Can't loosen love's sweet coil.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Most tenderly my tongue shall wag</p> + + <p>To Amaryllis on the slag,</p> + + <p>Whilst I endeavour to confine</p> + + <p class="i2">Her horny hand in mine.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Personal.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Pat. Don't be disappointed. Nothing amis. + Iris."—<i>Calcutta Statesman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Only a letter gone astray.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let, + outside air radius."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A little suffocating, perhaps.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"If a million quarter acres in the country were left + uncultivated, the result would be that a quarter of a + million acres would be left uncultivated."—<i>Scotch + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Examined and found correct.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In that ouse Capital was very fully + represented—he thought + over-represented."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the + capital out.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page333" + id="page333"></a>[pg 333]</span> + + <h3>THE HIGHWAYMAN.</h3> + + <div class="figure" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/333-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/333-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="333-1"> + <tr align="center"> + <td width="43%" + align="center">"TAXI! TAXI!"<br /> + "WHAT ABAHT IT?"</td> + + <td width="14%"></td> + + <td width="43%" + align="center">"I WANT TO GO TO + HAMPSTEAD."<br /> + "DO YER?"</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <div class="figure" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/333-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/333-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="333-2"> + <tr align="center"> + <td width="43%" + align="center">"I'LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL + FARE."<br /> + "DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN' I'LL TAKE + YER—'ALF-WAY."</td> + + <td width="14%"></td> + + <td width="43%" + align="center">"AN', MIND YER, I WOULDN'T 'AVE + BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I 'APPENED TO + 'AVE BIN COMIN' ANY'OW. I LIVE UP 'ERE."</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page334" + id="page334"></a>[pg 334]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/334.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/334.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Officer</i> (<i>returning to France in + heavy sea</i>). + "I—HOPE—TO—HEAVENS—THE + NEXT—WAR THEY HAVE—WILL—BE—IN + ENGLAND." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NIGHTMARES.</h2> + + <h3>I.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE + WAR CORRESPONDENT OF "THE DAILY MAIL" FOR A LITERAL + TRANSLATION OF THE CÆSAR'S <i>DE BELLO + GALLICO</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"<i>Omnis Gallia in tres partes divisa est.</i>" Is it + fanciful to say of the three parts into which all Gaul is + divided that by their colours may they be known, the blue, the + brown and the ghastly, ghoulish, intolerable, bestial, but, + thank God, passing, grey? Yes, thank God, the blight of + greyness cannot last long; even now the scabrous plague is + being burnt up and swept back and overwhelmed by the resistless + flood, eager yet cautious, persistent yet fiery, of the blue + and the brown. Hideous, pitiable, soul-searing are the scars + that it leaves in its mephitic wake, but the cleansing tide of + the brown and the blue sweeps on, and the healing wand of time + waves over them, and soon the shell-holes and the waste places + and the abominations of desolation are covered with little + flowers—or would be if it were Spring.</p> + + <p>The Spring! No one knows what depth of meaning lies in that + little word for our brave fellows, what intensity of hopes and + fears and well-nigh intolerable yearnings it awakens beneath + the cheery insouciance of their exteriors; no one, that is, + except me. They tell me about it as they pass back, privates + and generals, war-hardened veterans and boys of nineteen with + the youth in their eyes not yet drowned by the ever-increasing + encroachments of the war-devil; all are alike in their cheerful + determination to see this grim and bloody business of fighting + to an honourable end, and alike, too, in that their souls turn + frankly, as might children's, for refreshment and relief to the + kindly breast and simple beauties of Mother Nature.</p> + + <p>The key-note of their attitude is given in the sentence, + spoken dreamily and as if in forgetfulness of my presence, by a + Corporal of the R.G.A. as I cleaned his boots—it was an + honour. "The blue—the blue—the blue—and the + white!"</p> + + <p>He was gazing skywards. I could see nothing but grey clouds, + but I knew that his young eyes were keener than mine, that he + had learnt to look into the inmost heart of things in that + baptism of fire, that travail of freedom, where desolation + blossoms and hell sprouts like a weed. Through the grey he + could discern the triumph of the blue and the white of peace, + when the work of the brown shall be done. It was an allegory. + More he told me, too, in his simple country speech, so good to + hear in a foreign land: of the daisies in the yard at home, of + the dandelions on the lawn, of his pet pig: things too sacred + to repeat here. And he told me that the great event on the + Front now is the Autumn glory of the trees. Then he departed, + and as he went he broke into deep-throated, Homeric laughter, + and I—I understood: he was mocking Death. Even thus does + laughter yap at the heels of that dishonoured king out + here.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE BOOD.</h2> + + <h3>A SODDET.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Our poet has caught a severe cold through having spent + the night in the cellar.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>BOOD, whose autubdal spleddour, as of dood,</p> + + <p>Shides od frob set of sud to dawdigg bord,</p> + + <p>Gradt be this bood, o bood, to calb by bood</p> + + <p>With agodisigg apprehedsiod tord,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Illube dot with thy beabs the biddight burk,</p> + + <p>Whed through the gloob the Huddish biscreadts</p> + + <p>Cobe sdeakigg, bedt od their idhubad work</p> + + <p>Of bobbigg slubberigg dod-cobbatadts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or if thy labbedt gleabs thou bayst dot blidd,</p> + + <p>Thed bay they aid our airbed add our guds;</p> + + <p>Its bark bay every barkigg bissile fidd,</p> + + <p>Bay dought be dode abiss, dor dode be duds.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So bayst thou baffle burderous WILLIAB'S plad,</p> + + <p>Add all attebts of that bad badbad bad.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page335" + id="page335"></a>[pg 335]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/335.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/335.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>PRIVILEGED DISLOYALTY.</h3> + + <p>FIRST TRAITOR. "HOW ARE WE TO PUSH OUR PROPAGANDA PAST + THE CENSOR?"</p> + + <p>SECOND TRAITOR. "NOTHING EASIER. GET THE RIGHT KIND OF + QUESTIONS ASKED IN PARLIAMENT; THERE'S NOBODY TO STOP + <i>THEM</i> FROM BEING PUBLISHED."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page336" + id="page336"></a>[pg 336]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, November 5th.</i>—By way of celebrating Guy + Fawkes Day the Government announced their intention of + compensating, up to a limit of five hundred pounds, any + householder whose property has been damaged in air-raids. How + soon he will cage his "monkey" will depend upon the Treasury, + which is morbidly anxious lest in its transactions <i>bis dat + qui cito dat</i> should be literally illustrated.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/336-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/336-1.png" + alt="" /></a>"Forgetting the claims of Glasgow." MR. + WATT. + </div> + + <p>The official price of potatoes is still unsettled. According + to his own statement the FOOD CONTROLLER is only waiting for + the decision of the War Cabinet. "On the contrary," said Mr. + LAW, "the Cabinet is only waiting for Lord RHONDDA." It seems + to be another case of the Earl of CHATHAM and Sir RICHAUD + STRACHAN; and in the meantime the potatoes are rotting.</p> + + <p>Provided that no scarcity of gas for other purposes is + caused the Government see no objection to its use for the + propulsion of motor-cars. On receiving this information Mr. + PEMBERTON BILLING at once ordered a Zeppelin attachment to his + famous torpedo-shaped car. No other gas-consumer will suffer, + as he is prepared to keep the apparatus inflated from his own + retorts.</p> + + <p>By the scheme of the Boundary Commissioners, the roll of the + Commons, already a hundred per cent. too big for its + accommodation, is to be increased by some thirty Members. + Various suggestions for enabling the new-comers to assist at + debates have been proposed. "Dug-outs" under the existing + benches, whence they could poke out their heads between the + legs of other Members, and "painters' cradles" depending from + the ceiling, or the galleries, are among the most popular.</p> + + <p>In the circumstances it is not surprising that the HOME + SECRETARY strenuously resisted the proposal of the London + representatives to give another couple of Members to "the hub + of the universe," as Mr. WATT, momentarily forgetting the + claims of Glasgow, handsomely called it. Among a number of + minor concessions, Mr. THEODORE TAYLOR'S plea that Batley + should be associated with Morley "because they have had many a + tussle at cricket" could not be resisted.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, November 6th.</i>—A statement that the + great War Savings meeting at the Albert Hall cost £3,500, + chiefly for the expenses of delegates, shocked the thrifty + conscience of Mr. HOGGE, who hoped Mr. BALDWIN would discourage + the PRIME MINISTER'S meetings if they were so expensive. Mr. + BALDWIN did not condescend to answer him or he might have + observed that the delegates in question were voluntary workers + who by their exertions had helped to raise over a hundred + millions for the prosecution of the War.</p> + + <p>Mr. TILLETT, the newly-elected Member for North Salford, + took his seat, and there was general cheering as, under the + safe-conduct of two amply-proportioned friends, Little Ben was + introduced to Big Ben.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/336-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/336-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h4>THE NEW RECRUIT.</h4>SIR JOHN SIMON. + </div> + + <p>When Mr. BALFOUR informed Mr. JOWETT at Question-time that + the only commitments of Great Britain to France are contained + in the Treaty of Alliance of September 5th, 1914, which has + been duly published, he knocked the foundation from under the + subsequent peace-debate. But that did not prevent Mr. LEES + SMITH from making a long speech, on the assumption that by + promising to help France to recover her ravished provinces we + had improperly extended the objects of the war. Mr. MCCURDY, + who shares with Mr. LEES SMITH the representation of + Northampton, plainly hinted that if his colleague cared to + visit his constituents they would be delighted to present him + with a specimen of the local manufacture.</p> + + <p>The speeches of Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. ASQUITH, though well + worth hearing, were hardly needed to complete the rout of the + Pacifists; and, in the division on the Closure, the men who are + prepared (in Mr. FABER'S pungent phrase) "to take the bloody + hand of Germany" made a very poor muster.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, November 7th.</i>—I am inclined to echo + Lord SALISBURY'S regret that Labour has no direct + representative in the Upper House. The proletarian peer, if + there were one, would have been both surprised and delighted to + hear how the non-proletarians, without exception, spoke of his + class.</p> + + <p>My imaginary peer would have been especially edified by the + speech of Lord MILNER, whom a small but noisy section of the + Press persists in describing as more Prussian than the + Prussians. Not under-estimating the difficulties in the way of + a frank and full understanding between Capital and Labour, he + nevertheless believed that they would be overcome, because he + had an abiding faith in the mass of his fellow-countrymen. Not + quite what one expects of a British Junker, is it?</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, November 8th.</i>—When tonnage is so + scarce it seems odd that room can still be found for + consignments of wild animals. Mr. PETO drew attention to a + coming cargo, including two hundred avadavats, the little birds + about which <i>Joseph Surface</i> was so contemptuous, and six + hundred monkeys—"sufficient," as he pleasantly observed, + "to fill this House."</p> + + <p>For once Mr. BILLING expressed a widely-held opinion when he + questioned the propriety, in present circumstances, of holding + the LORD MAYOR'S Banquet. Mr. BONAR LAW'S solemn assurance that + he only accepted the invitation on the distinct understanding + that the feast would fall completely within the FOOD + CONTROLLER'S regulations, was not altogether convincing. + Members were anxious to know the exact dimensions that Lord + RHONDDA has laid down for the turtle-ration.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page337" + id="page337"></a>[pg 337]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/337.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/337.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Onlooker</i> (<i>at a Company + exhibition, to the better man</i>). "HERE, LAAD, NOT + SO MOOCH OF IT. WE'M SHORT O' SOJERS IN OUR COOMPANY, + DOAN'T THEE FORGET!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>GILBERT.</h2> + + <p>We are all very fond of Gilbert. There are, however, one or + two things about him which even his best friends will admit + make it hard for us at times to remember how much we really + love him. Sometimes he seems almost too good to be true. Yet I + have known wet horrible days in the trenches when the sight of + him coming smiling down the line, exuding efficiency and + enthusiasm at every pore, has made his fellow-officers + positively dislike him.</p> + + <p>For, alas, he is one of those dear overzealous fellows whom + in moments of depression we stigmatise as "hearty." He has even + been known to be hearty at breakfast; to come trampling into + the dug-out with that blinking old smile on his face, + expressing immense satisfaction with life in general at the top + of a peculiarly robust voice; to tread on his captain's toes + and slap his next-door neighbour heartily on the back, and then + to explain to a swearing and choking audience how splendidly he + has slept, and what a topping day it is going to be.</p> + + <p>Never has Gilbert been known to spend a bad night; he is one + of those fortunate animals who can go to sleep standing and at + five minutes' notice, and start snoring at once. If you try to + sleep anywhere near him, you dream of finding yourself in + Covent Garden station, trying to board endless trains which + roar through without stopping—that's the kind of snore it + is.</p> + + <p>And now it is time I told my story.</p> + + <p>It happened many years ago, when the War was young and the + Bosch comparatively aggressive; when our big guns fired once + every other Sunday and we lived precarious lives in holes in + the ground. Our Brigadier, a conscientious soldier of the old + school, was dodging round our line of trenches, and had just + reached the sector allotted to my company, which was also + Gilbert's, when the distant buzz that generally means an + aeroplane overhead made itself distinctly heard.</p> + + <p>"Can you spot him?" said the General to his Brigade-major; + "one of theirs, I suppose?"</p> + + <p>Now it is as much as a Brigade-Major's job is worth to + confess ignorance at such a crisis. So, after sweeping the + skies fruitlessly with his glasses and listening intelligently + to the steady drone, he said, "Yes!" with as much conviction as + possible.</p> + + <p>"Heads down," said the General sharply, "and don't move. + Pass it down." And by way of example he sat heavily on my + periscope and stayed gazing at the ground like a fakir lost in + meditation.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the message was passed along, and the trench + became silent as the grave. I was informed a few days later + that it reached the outer battalion of the next brigade later + on in the morning, and was popularly supposed to have reached + Switzerland the same evening.</p> + + <p>For about five minutes the droning continued ("Having a good + look at us," said the Brigade-major in a sepulchral whisper) + and then suddenly ceased with what I can only describe as an + appalling snort. Almost simultaneously a tousled head was + thrust out of a dug-out almost into the great man's face, and + Gilbert's cheerful roar was heard by a scandalised company.</p> + + <p>"Had a topping sleep. What's the time, someone?"</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Best milch cows have been sold recently for £60 + in the Isle of Wight. At a meeting of the Cowes Council it + was stated that at Chichester cows had sold for £73 + each."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And now that the Isle of Wight milkers have held their + indignation meeting it is expected that the anomaly will be + removed.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page338" + id="page338"></a>[pg 338]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/338.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/338.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>ONE UP!</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PETER, THE TEMPTER.</h2> + + <p>Necessity does not make stranger bedfellows than some of the + changes brought about by War. Who, for example—and + certainly not such a born sun-worshipper as I—would ever + have dreamt that a time would come when we in London and the + Eastern counties would desire rain and wind with a passionate + keenness once reserved solely for fine weather? Yet so it is. + By reason of that foolish invention of flying we now, when we + go to the window in the morning and lift the blind, are dashed + and darkly thoughtful if no sky of grey scudding misery meets + our gaze. "Please Heaven it pours!" we say. Just think of + it—"Please Heaven it pours!" What a treachery! It may + even come that we include prayers for storms in the + Liturgy.</p> + + <p>In default of bad weather we may have to Take Cover; and it + is when we Take Cover that discoveries begin and long-postponed + adventures fructify. For years and years, for example, I had + looked down that steep hill by the Tivoli site in the Strand + into the yawning cavern that opens there, and wondered about + it. I had thought one day to explore it, but had never done so, + any more than I have yet proceeded further towards a visit to + the Roman Bath, also off the Strand, than to threaten it.</p> + + <p>But I shall get to the Bath yet, because already, thanks to + the intervention of the Hun, I have become intimately + acquainted with Lower Robert Street, and the next step is + simple.</p> + + <p>In the ordinary way, short of desperate impulse and + decision—unless by some happy chance I had relinquished + the burden of this pen and taken happy service with one of the + wine merchants who store their treasure there—I should + never have entered Lower Robert Street at all, for it goes + nowhere and runs under the earth, and it is damp and mouldy, + and the only doors, leading to this vault and that, are locked. + But for all these disabilities Lower Robert Street is, in Gotha + and Zeppelin times, a very present help and refuge. There + assemble, with more or less fortitude and philosophy, the + denizens of the Adelphi, thankful indeed that the brothers Adam + established their streets and terrace on so useful a + foundation; and there twice recently have I joined them. And an + odd assembly we have made, ranging as we do from successful + dramatists to needy journalists, with an actress or so to keep + us manly.</p> + + <p>There for long hours have we waited until the "All clear" + has sounded—or, at any rate, some have done so. As for + myself, on the last occasion, taking advantage of a lull in the + uproar, I crept away to bed, and, after falling into the sleep + of exhaustion, had the ironical experience of being rudely + awakened by the reassuring bugles and my night again + ruined.</p> + + <p>Having taken cover only in Lower Robert Street, which is + open to all, I cannot with any personal knowledge speak of the + camaraderie of private basements; but I suppose that that + exists and is another of the War's byproducts. I take it that, + in the event of a sudden alarm, no householder with a cellar + would be so inhuman as to refuse admittance to a stranger, and + already probably a myriad new friendships and not a few + engagements have resulted. Our own camaraderie is admirable. + The federation of the barrage breaks down every obstacle; while + a piece of shrapnel that one can display is more valuable than + any letter of introduction, no matter who wrote it. Hence we + all talk; and sometimes we sing too—choruses of the + moment, for the most part, in one of which the depth of our + affection for our maternal relative is measured and regulated + by the floridity of the roses growing on her porch.</p> + + <p>And yet, when at last friendliness is + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page339" + id="page339"></a>[pg 339]</span> upon the town, there are + people—and not only alien Hebrews either—who + have been hurrying away from London! When London has become + more interesting than ever before in its history there are + people who leave it!</p> + + <p>Personally I mean to cling to the old city as long as it + will cling to me; but even now across one's aching sight comes + a "dream of pastime premature" which shakes such resolves a + little. Peter, for example, has been having a disturbing effect + on me. Only now and then, of course—when I am not quite + myself; when the two and thirty (what remains of them) are not + so firmly gritted as they should be; when even London seems + unworthy of devotion.</p> + + <p>But these moods pass. You will admit, though, that Peter has + his lure. I read about him in the <i>Tavistock Gazette</i>, one + of the few papers, I fancy, which does not belong to Lord + NORTHCLIFFE; and this is how the lyric (it is really a lyric, + although it masquerades as an advertisement) runs, not only in + the paper but in my head: "To be let, by Tender" (this is not + an oath but some odd legal or commercial term) "as and from + Lady Day all that nice little PASTURE FARM known as HIGHER + CHURCH FARM, situate in the village of Peter Tavy." Now what + could be more unlike London under the German invasion and all + that nasty little tunnel known as Lower Robert Street, than + Peter Tavy?</p> + + <p>But I must not be tempted. I must stick it out here.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LITERARY GOSSIP À LA MODE.</h2> + + <p>The mystification practised by authors who have passed off + as their own work the compositions of others is familiar to all + literary students. SHAKSPEARE'S assumption of borrowed plumes + is of course the classic example. But another and more subtle + problem is the interchange of functions between two men of + letters; and the theory recently advanced by the distinguished + critic and occultist, Mr. Pullar Leggatt, deserves at least a + respectful hearing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Briefly stated, it is that during his hermit existence at + Putney the late Mr. SWINBURNE effected an interchange of this + sort with Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; the Editor of <i>The British + Weekly</i> devoting himself to the composition of poems, while + the poet assumed editorial control of the famous newspaper. If + the theory thus crudely stated sounds somewhat fantastic the + arguments on which it is based are extraordinarily plausible if + not convincing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>To begin with, experts in anagrams will not fail to notice + that the names ALGERNON SWINBURNE and W. ROBERTSON NICOLL + contain practically the same number of letters—absolutely + the same if SWINBURNE is spelt without an "e"—and that + the forenames of both end in "-on," as does also the concluding + syllable of WATTS-DUNTON. The fact that the Editor of <i>The + British Weekly</i> has never published any poems over his own + name only tends to confirm the theory, as the argument + conclusively establishes.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>For it is impossible to believe that so versatile a polymath + should not at some time or other have courted the Muse, and if + so, under what name could he have had a stronger motive for + publishing his poems than that of SWINBURNE? So austere a + theologian would naturally shrink from revealing his excursions + into the realms of poesy, and under this disguise he was safe + from detection. Lastly, while Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL has + always championed the Kailyard School, SWINBURNE lived at The + Pines. The connection is obvious; as thus: Kail, sea-kale, + sea-coal, coke, coker-nut, walnut, dessert, pine-apple, + pine.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As regards SWINBURNE'S conduct of <i>The British Weekly</i>, + it is enough to point to such alliterative and melodious + combinations as "Rambling Remarks" and "Claudius Clear." The + theological attitude of the paper presents difficulties which + are not so easy to overcome, but Mr. Pullar Leggatt has + promised to deal with this question later on. Meanwhile the + diplomatic silence maintained by Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL and + Mr. EDMUND GOSSE must not be interpreted as conveying either a + complete acceptance or a total rejection of this remarkable + theory.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/339.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/339.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Wounded Tommy</i>. "WILL YOU PLAY MENDELSSOHN'S + 'SPRING SONG,' PLEASE?"</p> + + <p><i>Distinguished Pianist</i> (<i>with a soul above + Mendelssohn</i>). "I'M AFRAID I CAN'T."</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "IT IS A BIT OF A TEASER, AIN'T IT? TIES + MY SISTER UP IN A KNOT WHENEVER SHE TACKLES IT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>The New Crummles.</h3> + + <p>HERTLING "is not Prussian."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page340" + id="page340"></a>[pg 340]</span> + + <h2>MY PYJAMAS.</h2> + + <h3>A STUDY IN THE FASTIDIOUS.</h3> + + <p>I hope this is not going to be embarrassing. If so, it is + not my fault. This is history, please remember, not fiction. I + wanted—I am obliged to say it—pyjamas for winter + wear. I know all about pyjamas for summer wear; what I wanted + was pyjamas for winter wear, and I decided that Agnes should + make them. For years I have been trying to get proper + pyjamas—by which I mean pyjamas properly made—but + the haberdasher always smiles depreciation and tells me that + the goods he offers me are what are always worn. Quite so; but + what I say is that out of bed and for the purpose of having + your photograph taken Trade pyjamas are all right; but that in + bed they commit untold offences. I enter my bed clothed; I + settle down in it half-naked. The jacket has run up to my + arm-pits; my legs are bare to the knee; my arms to the elbows; + the loosely buttoned front is ruckled up into a funnel, down + which, whenever I move, the bedclothes like a bellows draw a + chill blast of air on to that particular part of my chest which + is designed for catching colds. When I turn over in my dreams I + wake to find myself tied as with ropes. Slumber's chains have + indeed bound me. I am a man in the clothing of a nightmare. The + cold, cold sheets catch me in the most ticklesome delicacies of + my back and make me jump again. Enough.</p> + + <p>"Well," said Agnes, "if I am going to make your pyjamas you + must tell me exactly what you want."</p> + + <p>"My pyjamas," I said, "shall be buttoned round the ankle and + capacious below the waist—there I ask a Turkish touch. + The jacket shall be buttoned at the wrists and baggy at the + shoulder; at the chest it shall strap me across like an R.F.C. + tunic, and it shall be securely clipped to the trousers."</p> + + <p>"Why not have it all in one?"</p> + + <p>"What!" I cried, "and parade hotel passages in search of the + bath looking like a clown out of a circus? No, thank you."</p> + + <p>"You must make me a pattern then," said Agnes, "or I shan't + know what to do."</p> + + <p>I can't make patterns, but I can, and I did, make plans of + ground and first-floor levels, a section and back and front + elevations, all to a scale of one inch to the foot exactly. I + also made a full-size detail of a toggle-and-cinch gear linking + the upper storey to the lower.</p> + + <p>"I think," Agnes said, "you had better come to the shop and + choose the material."</p> + + <p>I thought so too. I wanted something gaudy that would make + me feel cheerful when I woke in the morning; but I also had + another idea in my mind. <i>Mangle-proof buttons</i>! Have the + things been invented yet?</p> + + <p>The archbishop who attended to us deprecated the idea of + india-rubber buttons.</p> + + <p>"What kind are you now using?" he asked solicitously.</p> + + <p>"At present, on No. 2," I said, "I am using splinters of + mother-of-pearl. Last week, with No. 1, I used a steel ring + hanging by its rim to a shred of linen, two safeties, and a + hairpin found on the floor."</p> + + <p>I chose a flannel with broad green and violet stripes, and + very large buttons of vitrified brick which I hoped might break + the mangle. These buttons were emerald in colour and gave me a + new idea. <i>Trimmings</i>.</p> + + <p>"I want to look right if the house catches fire," I told + Agnes. "Green sateen collar to match the buttons—"</p> + + <p>"And for the wristbands," said Agnes, catching my + enthusiasm.</p> + + <p>"And for the wristbands," I agreed; "but," I added, "not at + the ankles. That would make the other people in the street + expect me to dance to them, and I don't know how to."</p> + + <p>And now the good work is complete. Toggle and cinch perform + their proud functions, and I sleep undisturbed by Arctic + nightmares, for I have substituted green ties for the stoneware + buttons which reduced my vitality by absorbing heat. My only + trouble is my increasing reluctance to rise in the morning. I + don't like changing out of my beautiful things so early in the + day. I am beginning to want breakfast in bed.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AT THE DUMP.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Lines to the N.C.O. in charge.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now is the hour of dusk and mist and midges,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now the tired planes drone homeward + through the haze,</p> + + <p>And distant wood-fires wink behind the ridges,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the first flare some timorous Hun + betrays;</p> + + <p>Now no shell circulates, but all men brood</p> + + <p class="i4">Over their evening food;</p> + + <p>The bats flit warily and owl and rat</p> + + <p class="i2">With muffled cries their shadowy loves + pursue,</p> + + <p>And pleasant, Corporal, it is to chat</p> + + <p class="i2">In this hushed moment with a man like + you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How strange a spectacle of human passions</p> + + <p class="i2">Is yours all day beside the Arras + road,</p> + + <p>What mournful men concerned about their rations</p> + + <p class="i2">When here at eve the limbers leave their + load,</p> + + <p>What twilight blasphemy, what horses' feet</p> + + <p class="i4">Entangled with the meat,</p> + + <p>What sudden hush when that machine-gun sweeps,</p> + + <p class="i2">And—flat as possible for men so + round—</p> + + <p>The Quartermasters may be seen in heaps,</p> + + <p class="i2">While you sit still and chuckle, I'll be + bound!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here all men halt awhile and tell their rumours;</p> + + <p class="i2">Here the young runners come to cull your + tales,</p> + + <p>How Generals talked with you, in splendid + humours,</p> + + <p class="i2">And how the Worcestershires have gone to + Wales;</p> + + <p>Up yonder trench each lineward regiment swings,</p> + + <p class="i4">Saying some shocking things;</p> + + <p>And here at dark sad diggers stand in hordes</p> + + <p class="i2">Waiting the late elusive Engineer,</p> + + <p>While glowing pipes illume yon notice-boards,</p> + + <p class="i2">That say, "No LIGHTS. YOU MUST NOT LOITER + HERE."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And you sit ruminant and take no action,</p> + + <p class="i2">But daylong watch the aeroplanes at + play,</p> + + <p>Or contemplate with secret satisfaction</p> + + <p class="i2">Your fellow-men proceeding towards the + fray;</p> + + <p>Your sole solicitude when men report</p> + + <p class="i4">There is a shovel short,</p> + + <p>Or, numbering jealously your rusty store,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some mouldering rocket, some wet bomb you + miss</p> + + <p>That was reserved for some ensuing war,</p> + + <p class="i2">But on no grounds to be employed in + this.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For Colonels flatter you, most firm of warders,</p> + + <p class="i2">For sandbags suppliant, and do no + good,</p> + + <p>And high Staff officers and priests in orders</p> + + <p class="i2">In vain beleaguer you for bits of + wood,</p> + + <p>While I, who have nor signature nor chit,</p> + + <p class="i4">But badly want a bit,</p> + + <p>I only talk to you of these high themes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor stoop to join the sycophantic + choir,</p> + + <p>Seeing (I trust) my wicked batman, Jeames,</p> + + <p class="i2">Has meanwhile pinched enough to light my + fire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A.P.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page341" + id="page341"></a>[pg 341]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/341.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/341.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>looking out of train on to darkened + platform</i>). "PORTER, IS THIS EDGWARE ROAD? I CAN'T SEE A + THING."</p> + + <p><i>Porter</i> (<i>with Irish blood in her</i>). "NOT + YET, M'M. EDGWARE ROAD'S THE STATION BEFORE YOU GETS TO + BAKER STHEET."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"In a few days," says the puff preliminary of <i>The + Coming</i> (CHATTO AND WINDUS), "you and all your friends will + be reading and discussing this most strange and prophetic + novel." Perhaps. But what we shall be saying about it depends + largely, I suppose, upon our definition of the term prophetic; + also a little upon our feeling with regard to good taste and + the permissible in fiction. My own contribution will be a + sincere regret that a writer as gifted as Mr. J.C. SNAITH + should have attempted the obviously impossible. His theme, + symbolised by a wrapper-design of three figures silhouetted + against a golden sunrise, is a second advent of the Messiah, + embodied in the person of a village carpenter named (with + palpable significance) <i>John Smith</i>, whom local prejudice + sends, not inexcusably, to a madhouse, where he dies, after + converting the inmates and instituting a campaign of universal + peace. Frankly, the chief interest of such a wildly fantastic + idea lies in watching just how far Mr. SNAITH can carry it + without too flagrant offence. That his treatment is both + sincere and careful hardly lessens my feeling that the whole + attempt is one to be deplored. Humour of the intentional kind + has, of course, no place in the author's scheme. How remote is + its banishment you may judge when I tell you that the Divine + message is represented as given to mankind in the form of a + wonderful play, which instantly achieves world-wide fame, being + performed by no fewer than fifty companies in America alone. + The problem (to name but one) of the resulting struggle between + plenary inspiration and the conditions of a fit-up tour is only + another proof of my contention that there are more things in + heaven and earth than can be treated in realistic fiction, and + that Mr. SNAITH'S good intentions have unfortunately betrayed + him into selecting the least possible.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If <i>Humphrey Thorncot</i> and his sister <i>Edith</i> had + not bored one another and grown touchy—I judge by their + reported conversations—in a house with green shutters in + Chelsea, they would never have gone to St. Elizabeth, which is + a Swiss resort, and would never have met the East-Prussian + family of the <i>von Ludwigs</i> in the year before the War. + And <i>Humphrey</i> would never have fallen (temporarily) in + love with <i>Hulda von Ludwig</i>, nor would <i>Karl von + Ludwig</i> have fallen (permanently) in love with <i>Edith + Thorncot</i>. The troubles and miseries of this latter couple + are related by Mr. HUGH SPENDER in <i>The Gulf</i> (COLLINS). + Papa <i>von Ludwig</i> objects so violently to all this + love-making that he eventually succumbs to a regular + East-Prussian stroke of apoplexy which all but leads to a + charge of parricide against <i>Karl</i> by his base brother, + <i>Wilhelm</i>. <i>Karl</i> is really too good for this world. + He objects to atrocities and refuses at the risk of his own + life to shoot innocent Belgian villagers. Being imprisoned, he + escapes by means of a secret sliding panel and an underground + passage which leads him, not immediately, but after many + vicissitudes, to America. There he is joined by his faithful + <i>Edith</i>, who defies the Gulf caused by the War, and + marries him. Mr. SPENDER appears to have been in some doubt as + to whether he should write the story of two + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page342" + id="page342"></a>[pg 342]</span> souls or the history of the + first few weeks of the War. Eventually he elects to do both, + and his novel consequently suffers somewhat in grip. He + certainly paints a very vivid picture of events in the first + period of active operations. May I hint a doubt, by the way, + whether in 1913 a French Professor would have mentioned + HINDENBURG as one of Germany's most important men? Whatever + he may have been in Germany, HINDENBURG was for the outside + world a later discovery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Further Memories</i> (HUTCHINSON) is justly called by its + publishers a "fascinating volume." The designation will not + surprise those who enjoyed the late Lord REDESDALE'S former + book of recollections. The present collection is a little + haphazard (but none the worse for that), its chapters ranging + over such diverse subjects as Gardens and Trees, QUEEN + VICTORIA, BUDDHA, and the Commune. Certainly not the least + interesting is that devoted to the story of the Wallace + Collection, of which Lord REDESDALE was one of the trustees. + His account of the origin and devolution of the famous + treasures will invest them with a new interest in the happy + days when they shall again be visible. Mr. EDMUND GOSSE + contributes a foreword to the present volume, in which he draws + a pathetic picture of the author, still unconquerably young, + despite his years, facing the future with only one fear, that + of the unemployment to which his increasing deafness, and the + break-up of the world as it was before the War, seemed to be + condemning him. <i>Further Memories</i> was, we are told, + undertaken as some sort of a safeguard against this menace of + stagnation. It was a measure for which we may all be glad, as + we can share Mr. GOSSE'S thanksgiving that the writer's death, + coming when it did, saved him, as he had wished, "from all + consciousness of decrepitude."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>When an unstable young wife, getting tired of a pedantic + husband in the way so familiar to students of novels, goes off + with a companion more to her taste, anyone can foresee trouble, + or what would there be to write about? When, further, her + detestable lover, seeking change and fearing the financial lash + of his properly indignant parent, terminates the arrangement, + even an observer of real life can guess that her return to her + rightful lord and master must entail disagreeables; but only a + reader well brazened in modern fiction could expect Don Juan + promptly to make love to and marry the husband's sister without + a word of apology to anyone. This kind of rather unsavoury + dabbling in problems best left to themselves generally + concludes with the decease of most of the characters and a sort + of clearing up, and to this rule, after many years and pages of + discomfort, MARY E. MANN'S new story, <i>The Victim</i> (HODDER + AND STOUGHTON), is no exception. Not a very attractive + programme, but all the same the volume has one or two redeeming + features. For one thing, the sister is clearly and attractively + drawn, and so is the picture on the wrapper, though it + represents no particular incident to be traced in the pages of + the volume which it adorns. Writing more strongly than is + perhaps her wont, Mrs. MANN has taken some trouble to emphasise + the fact that in these cases of uncontrolled passion the major + penalty of guilt is borne not by the offenders themselves but + by the first generation succeeding. This does need saying + occasionally, I suppose, and to that extent <i>The Victim</i> + redeems itself from the charge of trivial unpleasantness.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. J. RATH has really discovered a new type of heroine, new + at least this side the Atlantic. His farm-bred <i>Sadie</i>, a + Buffalo shirt-packer, classifies men by the sizes of their + shirts, has no use for any swain with a chest measurement under + forty, and eventually in a most original way finds her hero in + <i>Mister 44</i> (METHUEN), an enormous Canadian engineer and + sportsman. She is no chicken herself and has a passion to be + free of the city and out in the great open. <i>Sadie</i> is + more than big; she is beautiful, burnished-copper-haired, + sincere and kind, and, though I think the author "gets this + over" quite well I liked her best before she found her man and + her <i>Robinson Crusoe</i> adventures among the islands of + Ontario, and was giving back chat to the little foreman in the + factory. Here she is a pure delight; and in these days, when a + knowledge of the American language may come in handy at any + moment, this amiable romance may well be recommended as an + attractive manual of first-aid in the matter.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Without professing to be a student of Mrs. DIVER'S books I + know enough about them to be worried by the commonplaceness of + <i>Unconquered</i> (MURRAY). Like so many other authors she has + succumbed to the lure of the War-novel. There may be a public + for tales of this kind, but I have not yet read one that + approaches artistic success. Here we are spared nothing. <i>Sir + Mark Forsyth</i> goes to France in the early days, is first of + all reported "missing, believed killed," and then officially + reported "killed." Of course he turns up again, but such a + physical wreck that the minx whom he was to have married breaks + off the engagement. Naturally the sweet girl, friend of + <i>Mark's</i> childhood, undertakes to fill the gap. The minx, + <i>Bel Alison</i>, is so scathingly drawn that from sheer + perversity I found myself hunting for one good point in her + character; but without a find. On the other hand, <i>Lady + Forsyth</i>, <i>Mark's</i> mother, and a quiet, capable man + called <i>Macnair</i>, are admirably put before us. Yet at best + there remains the conviction that the War is terribly real that + these attempts to romance about it are almost bound to be as + superficial as they are superfluous.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/342.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/342.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>DURING THE RAID.</h3><i>Disappointed Player</i>. "HARD + LINES! I HAD AN EASY FIVE SHOT THAT WOULD HAVE RUN ME OUT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lost, between Ryde Pier and Southsea, Black Satin Bag, + containing keys and eyeglasses. Reward + given."—<i>Portsmouth Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A chance for the local mine-sweepers.</p> + <br /> + <br /> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, NOV. 14, 1917***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 11428-h.txt or 11428-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/2/11428">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/2/11428</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 14, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 3, 2004 [eBook #11428] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, NOV. 14, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11428-h.htm or 11428-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h/11428-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +NOVEMBER 14, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +People are asking, "Can there be a hidden brain in the Foreign +Office?" + + *** + +A German posing as a Swiss, and stated by the police to be "a spy +and a dangerous character," has been sentenced to six months' +imprisonment. The matter will be further investigated pending +his escape. + + *** + +Three men were charged at Old Street last week with attempting the +"pot of tea" trick. The trick apparently consists in finding a man +with a pot of tea and giving him a sovereign to go round the corner +and buy a ham sandwich, the thief meanwhile offering to hold the pot +of tea. When the owner returns the tea has, of course, vanished. + + *** + +The increased consumption of bread, says Sir ARTHUR YAPP, is due to +the 9d. loaf. It would just serve us right if bread cost 2s. 6d. a +pound and there wasn't any, like everything else. + + *** + +"It is all a matter of taste," says a correspondent of _The Daily +Mail_, "but I think parsnips are now at their best." They may be +looking their best, but the taste remains the same. + + *** + +Seventy tons of blackberries for the soldiers have been gathered by +school-children in Buckinghamshire. Arrangements have been made for +converting this fruit into plum-and-apple jam. + + *** + +"Home Ruler" was the occupation given by a Chertsey woman on her +sugar-card application. The FOOD CONTROLLER states that although this +form of intimidation may work with the Government it has no terrors +for him. + + *** + +The Russian Minister of Finance anticipates getting a revenue of forty +million pounds from a monopoly of tea. It is thought that he must have +once been a grocer. + + *** + +The Law Courts are to be made available as an air-raid shelter by day +and night, and some of our revue proprietors are already complaining +of unfair competition. + + *** + +Two survivors of the battle of Inkerman have been discovered at +Brighton. Their inactivity in the present crisis is most unfavourably +commented on by many of the week-end visitors. + + *** + +A dolphin nearly eight feet in length has been landed by a boy who was +fishing at Southwold. Its last words were that it hoped the public +would understand that it had only heard of the food shortage that +morning. + + *** + +Captain OTTO SVERDRUP, the Arctic explorer, has returned his German +decorations. Upon hearing this the KAISER at once gave orders for the +North Pole to be folded up and put away. + + *** + +A certain number of cold storage eggs at sixpence each are being +released in Berlin and buyers are urged to "fetch them promptly." +In this connection several Iron Crosses have already been awarded +for acts of distinguished bravery by civilians. + + *** + +One of the new toys for Christmas is a cat which will swim about in a +bath. If only the household cat could learn to swim it might be the +means of saving several of its lives. + + *** + +A correspondent would like to know whether the naval surgeon who +recently described in _The Lancet_ how he raised "hypnotic blisters" +by suggestion received his tuition from one of our University +riverside coaches. + + *** + +We are asked to deny the rumour that Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, who last +week cracked a joke which was not understood by some American +soldiers, has decided to do it all over again. + + *** + +The power of music! An enterprising firm of manufacturers offers +pensions to women who become widows after the purchase of a piano +on the instalment plan. + + *** + +We understand that a Member of Parliament will shortly ask for a day +to be set aside to inquire into the conduct of Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, who +is reported to have recently shown marked pro-British tendencies. + + *** + +In view of the attitude taken up by _The Daily Express_ against Sir +ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we understand that +the celebrated author, who has long contemplated the final death of +_Sherlock Holmes_, has arranged that the famous detective shall one +day be found dead with a copy of _The Daily Express_ in his hand. + + *** + +A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public +eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of the +growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of chaining them +to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as safe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR. [Sign before church with +bomb-damaged steeple:] THE REV SULVANUS JONES WILL PREACH NEXT SUNDAY +MORNING ON WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CHURCH?] + + * * * * * + +INDIA MOVES. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The following is taken from a letter from the +Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers Commanding +Divisions and Independent Brigades:-- + + "I am directed to point out that at present there appears to + be considerable diversity of opinion regarding the number of + buttons, and the method of placing the same on mattresses in + use in hospitals. + + "I am therefore to request that in future all hospital mattresses + should be made up with fifty-three buttons placed in fifteen rows + of four and three alternately." + +This should convince your readers that even India has at last grasped +the idea of the War and is getting a move on. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless and + successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's knee, + which he fractured six years ago."--_Sunday Paper_. + +If the case is correctly reported--which we doubt--it was very +confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him again. + + * * * * * + +MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN. + + Beersheba gone, and Gaza too! + And lo! the British lion, + After a pause to comb his mane, + Is grimly padding off again, + Tail up, _en route_ for Zion. + + Yes, things are looking rather blue, + Just as in Mesopotamy; + My life-blood trickles in the sand; + My veins run dry; I cannot stand + Much more of this phlebotomy. + + In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry, + Sick as a mule with glanders; + Too busy--selfish swine--is he + With winning ground in Italy + And losing it in Flanders. + + His missives urge me not to fly + But use the utmost fury + To hold these Christian dogs at bay + And for his sake to block the way + To his beloved Jewry. + + "My feet," he wired, "have trod those scenes; + Within the walls of Salem + My sacred presence deigned to dwell, + And I should hate these hounds of hell + To be allowed to scale 'em. + + "So do your best to give them beans + (You have some ammunition?), + And at a less congested date + I will arrive and consecrate + Another German mission." + + That's how he wires, alternate days, + But sends no troops to trammel + The foe that follows as I bump + Across Judaea on the hump + Of my indifferent camel. + + Well, I have tried all means and ways, + But seldom fail to foozle 'em; + And now if WILLIAM makes no sign + (This is his funeral more than mine) + The giaours can have Jerusalem. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE SUGAR FIEND. + +"I will have a cup of tea," I said to the waitress, "China if +possible; and please don't forget the sugar." + +"Yes, and what will you eat with I it?" she asked. + +"What you please," I replied; "it is all horrible." + +I do not take kindly to war-time teas. My idea of a tea is several +cups of the best China, with three large lumps of sugar in each, and +half-a-dozen fancy-cakes with icing sugar all over them and cream in +the middle, and just a few cucumber sandwiches for the finish. (This +does sound humorous, no doubt, but I seek no credit for it. Humour +used to depend upon a sense of proportion. It now depends upon memory. +The funniest man in England at the present moment is the man who has +the most accurate memory for the things he was doing in the early +summer of 1914). + +The loss of the cakes I could bear stoically enough if they would +leave my tea alone, or rather if they would allow me a reasonable +amount of sugar for it. However, we are an adaptable people and there +are ways in which even the sugar paper-dish menace can be met. My own +plan, here offered freely to all my fellow-sufferers, provides an +admirable epitome of War and Peace. The sugar allowance being about +half what it ought to be, I take half of the cup unsweetened, thus +tasting the bitterness of war, and then I put in the sugar and bask +in the sunshine of peace. + +On this particular occasion peace was on the point of being declared +when I found my attention irresistibly compelled by the man sitting +opposite to me, the only other occupant of my table. At first I +thought of asking him not to stare at me so rudely, and then I found +that he was not looking at me but over my shoulder at some object at +the end of the room. I can resist the appeal of three hundred people +gazing into the sky at the same moment, but the intense concentration +of this man was too much for me. I turned round. Seeing nothing +unusual I turned back again, but it was too late. My sugar had +gone! No trace of it anywhere, except in the bubbles that winked +suspiciously on the surface of the miscreant's tea. + +His face did not belong to any of the known criminal types. It was a +pale, dreamy, garden-suburb sort of face--a face you couldn't possibly +give in charge, except, perhaps, under the Military Service Acts. + +"Do you know," I said to him, "that you have just committed one of the +most terrible offences open to civilised mankind--a crime even worse +(Heaven help me if I exaggerate) than trampling on an allotment?" + +"Oh, I'm sorry!" he replied, waking from his dream. "Did you want that +sugar? You know, you seemed to be getting on very well without it." + +As I could not believe him to be beyond the reach of pity, I explained +my method to him, describing as harrowingly as I could the joy of +those first few moments after the declaration of peace. I suggested to +him that he might sometimes find it useful himself, if ever he should +be compelled to sit at an unoccupied table. ("_Touche_," he murmured, +raising his hat). "And now," I concluded, "as I have told you my +system, perhaps you will tell me yours--not for imitation, but for +avoidance." + +"There is very little to tell," he replied sorrowfully, "but it is +tragic enough. All my life I have been fond of sugar. Before the war +I took always nine lumps to a cup of tea. (It was my turn to raise +my hat.) By a severe course of self-repression I have reduced it to +seven, but I cannot get below that. I have given up the attempt. There +are a hundred cures for the drink habit; there is not one for the +sugar habit. As I cannot repress the desire, I have had to put all my +energy into getting hold of sugar. I noticed some time ago that at +these restaurants they give the sugar allowance to all customers who +ask for tea or coffee, although perhaps twenty per cent. of them do +not take sugar at all. It is these people who supply me with the extra +sugar I need. In your case it was an honest mistake. I always wait to +see if people are proposing to use their sugar before I appropriate +it." + +"But if you only take from the willing," I inquired, "why do you not +ask their permission?" + +"I suppose I have given you the right to ask me that question," he +replied with much dignity, "but it is painful to me to have to answer +it. I have not yet sunk so low that I have to beg people for their +cast-off sugar. I may come to it in the end, perhaps. At present the +'earnest gaze' trick is generally sufficient, or, where it fails, a +kick on the shin. But I hate cruelty." + +"Physical cruelty," I suggested. + +"No, any kind of cruelty. I have said that in your case I made a +mistake. If I could repair it I would." + +"Well," I said, "here's something you can do towards it, although it's +little enough." And I handed him the ticket the waitress had written +out for me. "And now I'll go and get a cup of tea somewhere." + +"One moment," he said, as I rose to go. "We may meet again." + +"Never!" I said firmly. + +"Ah, but we may, I have a number of disguises. Let me suggest +something that will make another mistake of this kind impossible." + +"I am not going to give up my plan," I said. + +"No, don't," he answered; "but _why not drink the sugared half +first?_" + + * * * * * + +Extract from an official letter received "Somewhere in France":-- + + "It must be clearly understood that the numbers shown under the + heading, 'Awaiting Leave' will be the number of all ranks who have + not had leave to the United Kingdom since last arrival in this + country, whether such arrival was their last return from Leave, + or their last arrival in France." + +And the Authorities are still wondering why the "Awaiting Leave" list +tallied so exactly with the daily strength. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GREAT INCENTIVE. MEHMED (_reading despatch from the +All-Highest_). "'DEFEND JERUSALEM AT ALL COSTS FOR MY SAKE. I WAS ONCE +THERE MYSELF.'"] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +The ammunition columns on either flank provide us with plenty of +amusement. They seem to live by stealing each other's mules. My +line-guards tell me that stealthy figures leading shadowy donkeys are +crossing to and fro all night long through my lines. The respective +C.O.'s, an Australian and an Irishman, drop in on us from time to time +and warn us against each other. I remain strictly neutral, and so far +they have respected my neutrality. I have taken steps toward this end +by surrounding my horses with barbed wire and spring guns, tying bells +on them and doubling the guard. + +Monk, the Australian, dropped in on us two or three days ago. "That +darn Sinn Feiner is the limit," said he; "lifted my best moke off me +last night while I was up at the batteries. He'd pinch BALAAM'S ass." +We murmured condolences, but Monk waived them aside. "Oh, it's quite +all right. I wasn't born yesterday, or the day before for that matter. +I'll make that merry Fenian weep tears of blood before I've finished. +Just you watch." + +O'Dwyer, the merry Fenian, called next day. + +"Give us a dhrink, brother-officers," said he, "I'm wake wid +laughter." + +We asked what had happened. + +"Ye know that herrin'-gutted bush-ranger over yonder? He'd stale the +milk out of your tea, he would, be the same token. Well, last night he +got vicious and took a crack at my lines. I had rayson to suspect he'd +be afther tryin' somethin' on, so I laid for him. I planted a certain +mule where he _could_ stale it an' guarded the rest four deep. Begob, +will ye believe me, but he fell into the thrap head-first--the poor +simple divil." + +"But he got your mule," said Albert Edward, perplexed. + +"Shure an' he did, you bet he did--he got old Lyddite." + +Albert Edward and I were still puzzled. + +"Very high explosive--hence name," O'Dwyer explained. + +"Dear hearrts," he went on, "he's got my stunt mule, my family +assassin! That long-ear has twenty-three casualties to his credit, +including a Brigadier. I have to twitch him to harness him, side-line +him to groom him, throw him to clip him, and dhrug him to get him +shod. Perceive the jest now? Esteemed comrade Monk is afther pinchin' +an infallable packet o' sudden death, an' he don't know it--yet." + +"What's the next move?" I inquired. + +"I'm going to lave him there. Mind you I don't want to lose the old +moke altogether, because, to tell the truth, I'm a biteen fond of him +now that I know his thricks, but I figure Mr. Monk will be a severely +cured character inside a week, an' return the beastie himself with +tears an' apologies on vellum so long." + +I met O'Dwyer again two days later on the mud track. He reined up his +cob and begged a cigarette. + +"Been havin' the fun o' the worrld down at the dressin'-station +watchin' Monk's casualties rollin' in," said he. "Terrible spectacle, +'nough to make a sthrong man weep. Mutual friend Monk lookin' 'bout as +genial as a wet hen. This is goin' to be a wondherful lesson to him. +See you later." He nudged his plump cob and ambled off, whistling +merrily. + +But it was Monk we saw later. He wormed his long corpse into "_Mon +Repos_" and sat on Albert Edward's bed laughing like a tickled hyena. +"Funniest thing on earth," he spluttered. "A mule strayed into my +lines t'other night and refused to leave. It was a rotten beast, a +holy terror; it could kick a fly off its ears and bite a man in half. +I don't mind admitting it played battledore and what's-'is-name with +my organisation for a day or two, but out of respect for O'Dwyer, +blackguard though he is, I ..." + +"Oh, so it was O'Dwyer's mule?" Albert Edward cut in innocently. + +Monk nodded hastily. "Yes, so it turned out. Well, out of respect +for O'Dwyer I looked after it as far as it would allow me, naturally +expecting he'd come over and claim it--but he didn't. On the fourth +day, after it had made a light breakfast off a bombardier's ear and +kicked a gap in a farrier, I got absolutely fed up, turned the damn +cannibal loose and gave it a cut with a whip for godspeed. It made +off due east, cavorting and snorting until it reached the tank-track; +there it stopped and picked a bit of grass. Presently along comes a +tank, proceeding to the fray, and gives the mule a poke in the rear. +The mule lashes out, catching the tank in the chest, and then goes on +with his grazing without looking round, leaving the tank for dead, as +by all human standards it should have been, of course. But instead of +being dead the box of tricks ups and gives the donk another butt and +moves on. That roused the mule properly. He closed his eyes and laid +into the tank for dear life; you could hear it clanging a mile away. + +"After delivering two dozen of the best, the moke turned round to +sniff the cold corpse, but the corpse was still warm and smiling. Then +the mule went mad and set about the tank in earnest. He jabbed it in +the eye, upper-cut it on the point, hooked it behind the ear, banged +its slats, planted his left on the mark and his right on the solar +plexus, but still the tank sat up and took nourishment. + +"Then the donkey let a roar out of him and closed with it; tried +the half-Nelson, the back heel, the scissors, the roll, and the +flying-mare; tried Westmoreland and Cumberland style, collar and +elbow, Cornish, Graeco-Roman, scratch-as-scratch-can and Ju-jitsu. +Nothing doing. Then as a last despairing effort he tried to charge +it over on its back and rip the hide off it with his teeth. + +"But the old tank gave a 'good-by ee' cough of its exhaust and rumbled +off as if nothing had happened, nothing at all. I have never seen +such a look of surprise on any living creature's face as was on that +donk's. He sank down on his tail, gave a hissing gasp and rolled over +stone dead. Broken heart." + +"Is that the end?" Albert Edward inquired. + +"It is," said Monk; "and if you go outside and look half-right you'll +see the bereaved Mr. O'Dwyer, all got up in sack-cloth, cinders +and crepe rosettes, mooning over the deceased like a dingo on an +ash-heap." PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Aunt Maria_. "DO YOU KNOW I ONCE ACTUALLY SAW THE +KAISER RIDING THROUGH THE STREETS OF LONDON AS BOLD AS BRASS. IF I'D +KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I'D HAVE TOLD A POLICEMAN."] + + * * * * * + +"FOR THE DURATION ..." + + "The forenoon service in the Parish Church will be at 11 o'clock + instead of 11.15 on Sunday first, and will continue till further + orders."--_Scottish Paper_. + + * * * * * + +AID FOR THE MILITARY POLICE. + + "The recruiting hut which is being erected in Trafalgar Square in + connection with the campaign undertaken by the Ministry of Labour + to recruit women for the Women's Army Auxiliary Cops will shortly + be completed."--_Sunday Pictorial_. + + * * * * * + + "She was visited occasionally by a man of foreign appearance, who + was believed to be her bother-in-law."--_Ipswich Evening Star_. + +Probably one of those "strained relations" we so often read about. + + * * * * * + + "My Correspondent's bona fides are above suspicion."--_"The + Clubman" in "The Pall Matt Gazette."_ + +One good fide deserves another, but of course the more the merrier. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Keen Motorist _(who has temporarily taken to +push-biking, to leisurely fowl which has brought him low)_. "JUST +YOU WAIT TILL THEY REMOVE THESE PETROL RESTRICTIONS."] + + * * * * * + +INVITATION. + + If you will come and stay with us you shall not want for ease; + We'll swing you on a cobweb between the forest trees; + And twenty little singing-birds upon a flowering thorn + Shall hush you every evening and wake you every morn. + + If you will come and stay with us you need not miss your school; + A learned toad shall teach you, high-perched upon his stool; + And he will tell you many things that none but fairies know-- + The way the wind goes wandering and how the daisies grow. + + If you will come and stay with us you shall not lack, my dear, + The finest fairy raiment, the best of fairy cheer; + We'll send a million glow-worms out, and slender chains of light + Shall make a shining pathway--then why not come to-night? + + R.F. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS FARE IN WAR-TIME. + + "Whatever the dinner be like, we can still have our fill of + holly and mistletoe."--_Star_. + + * * * * * + +IMITATION AIR-RAIDS. + +Mr. Punch is glad to note that some real efforts are being made to +meet the public needs in this matter on nights when there is no attack +by the enemy. + +In particular the owners of certain large warehouses have come forward +in a spirited manner by giving directions for the banging of large +folding-doors at suitable (irregular) hours. Private individuals +also, especially when returning home late at night, can do something +in the way of supplying entertainment for nervous residents in the +neighbourhood. Much is expected, too, of the large dairy companies, +who, by their control of vast numbers of heavy milk-cans, are in a +peculiarly favoured position. By the manipulation of these vessels on +a stone floor a very complete imitation of a raid can be produced. +A good deal, of course, can be done by any ordinary householder. "I +have had great fun," one correspondent writes, "with a very deliberate +and heavily-striking Dutch clock, which I have lately put against my +party-wall. My neighbour's family frequently jump up and run for the +basement. When they get used to the thing I shall give the other side +a turn." + + * * * * * + +THE FIRE-DRILL. + +Once a month, as laid down in "Orders for Auxiliary Hospitals for +Officers," or some such document, we practise fire-drill. This +consists of escaping from upper windows by means of precarious +canvas chutes. The only people exempted from this ceremony are Mrs. +Ropes--who watches with great delight from a safe distance--and +Sister, who stands sternly at the top to make sure (a) that those +patients who don't want to go down do go down, and (b) that those +patients who do want to go down don't go down more than once. No +excuses are taken. The fixed ration is one slither per chute per +person. + +We had this month's rehearsal last Tuesday. The patients were put +through it first, Major Stanley--to his great disgust--being chosen +to lead the way and set his juniors an example. He was told that it +was possible, by sticking out his elbows, to go down as slowly as he +liked; but he must have done it wrong somehow, for he disappeared with +startling suddenness the instant he let go the window-sill, and almost +simultaneously his boots shot out at the other end and doubled Dutton +the butler up so badly that he had to be taken away and reinflated. + +Haynes, who came next, insisted on first making his dying speech from +the window, for, as he pointed out to Sister, when people allowed +themselves to be inserted alive into machines of this type there was +every likelihood of their reappearing at the other end in the form of +sausages. Seymour handed Sister a bulky package labelled "WILL" before +starting, and most of us managed to be mildly humorous in some way or +other. + +Mrs. Ropes, on the lawn, enjoyed it all immensely; and so did Ansell, +who was standing beside her with an air of detachment. Sister's eagle +eye singled him out. + +"Come along, Mr. Ansell," she called. "I see you--your turn next. No +shirking." + +"I'm not in this, Sister," he answered loftily. + +"Oh, indeed! And why not?" + +"Because I sleep on the verandah. If there's a fire I simply get out +of bed and step into the garden." + +"Oh, no, you don't," put in Seymour. "That would be entirely contrary +to regulations. The official method of escaping from burning buildings +is down the official chute. In case of fire your correct procedure +will be to double smartly upstairs, commend your soul to Providence in +a soldier-like manner, and toboggan smartly down." + +(Have I mentioned that Seymour is an Adjutant?) + +"That's right, Captain Seymour," said Sister from above. "Bring him +up under escort if necessary." + +After the patients came Miss Ropes, and after her the domestic staff, +beginning with the less valuable members and working up gradually to +Dutton and Cook. It was possible to trace the progress of the younger +and slighter maids by a swiftly-descending squeal, while that of the +more portly was visible as a leisurely protuberance. At last Cook +was the only one left--Dutton was not feeling quite up to performing +the journey. She was a new cook, and very precious. She had all the +generous proportions of her profession, and with them went a placid +temper and a great sense of personal dignity. + +"Oh, Cook," said Miss Ropes, "_you_ needn't go down, you know, unless +you want to." + +There are times when official regulations must be sacrificed to +diplomacy. But Cook was in high good humour, and quite determined on +doughty deeds. Miss Ropes said no more. + +The task of getting a wide cook into a narrow canvas tube proved quite +unexpectedly difficult; and, when it was accomplished, so far from +sticking out her elbows as brakes, she had to press them close to her +sides in order to move at all. With the aid of a friendly pressure +applied to the top of her head by Sister she got slowly under way. The +chute bulged portentously. The bulge travelled a few feet; then it +stuck and became violently agitated. Sister clutched at the top of the +chute, while Dutton hung manfully on to the other end. + +"Don't struggle," said Sister in a stern professional voice. "Keep +your arms still, and you'll come down all right." A muffled screaming +and a dangerously increased agitation of the chute was the only reply. +Cook had quite lost her head and was having violent hysterics. Three +or four of us raced upstairs to aid Sister in keeping the top end +of the apparatus from jerking free, while several more went to the +assistance of the flustered Dutton. + +Cook ceased to struggle for a moment, but only through exhaustion; +for when Sister seized the opportunity to repeat her advice a fresh +paroxysm came on, and everybody "stood to" at their posts again. Miss +Ropes conceived the idea of attaching a cord to Cook's armpits and +hauling her up again by main force. She dashed into the house, and +found a demoralised kitchen-maid calling incoherently for help down +the telephone. + +Meanwhile Cook had had her worst spasm. We hung grimly on to the +chute, dismally confident that something would have to give way soon. +Suddenly there was a rending sound; the seam of the canvas ripped open +and a gaping slit appeared, through which Cook's freed arm flapped +wildly. Then the arm disappeared as the body to which it was attached +gathered momentum; and when Miss Ropes appeared with a length of cord +she was just in time to see her retainer return to the world--alive, +but practically inside out. + +As soon as Cook recovered her breath it was apparent that her temper +was no longer placid. Forgetting entirely that it was by her own +choice that she had made the trip, she gave us all to understand +that she believed the whole incident to have been specially arranged +for her humiliation. She gave notice on the spot, and staggered +indignantly to the house to pack her box, leaving her employer once +again face to face with the Servant Problem. + + * * * * * + +THE ARTISETTE. + + (_An Engineering School for Women + has been started in Scotland._) + + What if my lady should appear + In a mechanic's grimy gear? + I shall not squeamishly decline + To figure at her shrine. + + If Vulcan's smoky sway precludes + An assignation in the woods, + I shall not linger less elate + Outside the foundry gate. + + When she knocks off at eventide + I'll flutter fondly to her side, + And demonstrate that grease and oil + Can't loosen love's sweet coil. + + Most tenderly my tongue shall wag + To Amaryllis on the slag, + Whilst I endeavour to confine + Her horny hand in mine. + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL. + + "Pat. Don't be disappointed. Nothing amis. Iris."--_Calcutta + Statesman_. + +Only a letter gone astray. + + * * * * * + + "Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let, outside + air radius."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +A little suffocating, perhaps. + + * * * * * + + "If a million quarter acres in the country were left uncultivated, + the result would be that a quarter of a million acres would be + left uncultivated."--_Scotch Paper_. + +Examined and found correct. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:-- + + "In that ouse Capital was very fully represented--he thought + over-represented."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the capital out. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HIGHWAYMAN. + +"TAXI! TAXI!" + +"WHAT ABAHT IT?" + +"I WANT TO GO TO HAMPSTEAD." + +"DO YER?" + +"I'LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL FARE." + +"DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN' I'LL TAKE YER--'ALF-WAY." + +"AN', MIND YER, I WOULDN'T 'AVE BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I +'APPENED TO 'AVE BIN COMIN' ANY'OW. I LIVE UP 'ERE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_returning to France in heavy sea_). +"I--HOPE--TO--HEAVENS--THE NEXT--WAR THEY HAVE--WILL--BE--IN +ENGLAND."] + + * * * * * + +NIGHTMARES. + +I. + + OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE WAR + CORRESPONDENT OF "THE DAILY MAIL" FOR A LITERAL TRANSLATION + OF THE CAESAR'S _DE BELLO GALLICO_. + +"_Omnis Gallia in tres partes divisa est._" Is it fanciful to say of +the three parts into which all Gaul is divided that by their colours +may they be known, the blue, the brown and the ghastly, ghoulish, +intolerable, bestial, but, thank God, passing, grey? Yes, thank God, +the blight of greyness cannot last long; even now the scabrous plague +is being burnt up and swept back and overwhelmed by the resistless +flood, eager yet cautious, persistent yet fiery, of the blue and the +brown. Hideous, pitiable, soul-searing are the scars that it leaves in +its mephitic wake, but the cleansing tide of the brown and the blue +sweeps on, and the healing wand of time waves over them, and soon the +shell-holes and the waste places and the abominations of desolation +are covered with little flowers--or would be if it were Spring. + +The Spring! No one knows what depth of meaning lies in that little +word for our brave fellows, what intensity of hopes and fears and +well-nigh intolerable yearnings it awakens beneath the cheery +insouciance of their exteriors; no one, that is, except me. They tell +me about it as they pass back, privates and generals, war-hardened +veterans and boys of nineteen with the youth in their eyes not yet +drowned by the ever-increasing encroachments of the war-devil; all +are alike in their cheerful determination to see this grim and bloody +business of fighting to an honourable end, and alike, too, in that +their souls turn frankly, as might children's, for refreshment and +relief to the kindly breast and simple beauties of Mother Nature. + +The key-note of their attitude is given in the sentence, spoken +dreamily and as if in forgetfulness of my presence, by a Corporal of +the R.G.A. as I cleaned his boots--it was an honour. "The blue--the +blue--the blue--and the white!" + +He was gazing skywards. I could see nothing but grey clouds, but I +knew that his young eyes were keener than mine, that he had learnt to +look into the inmost heart of things in that baptism of fire, that +travail of freedom, where desolation blossoms and hell sprouts like a +weed. Through the grey he could discern the triumph of the blue and +the white of peace, when the work of the brown shall be done. It was +an allegory. More he told me, too, in his simple country speech, so +good to hear in a foreign land: of the daisies in the yard at home, +of the dandelions on the lawn, of his pet pig: things too sacred to +repeat here. And he told me that the great event on the Front now is +the Autumn glory of the trees. Then he departed, and as he went he +broke into deep-throated, Homeric laughter, and I--I understood: he +was mocking Death. Even thus does laughter yap at the heels of that +dishonoured king out here. + + * * * * * + +TO THE BOOD. + +A SODDET. + + [Our poet has caught a severe cold through + having spent the night in the cellar.] + + BOOD, whose autubdal spleddour, as of dood, + Shides od frob set of sud to dawdigg bord, + Gradt be this bood, o bood, to calb by bood + With agodisigg apprehedsiod tord, + + Illube dot with thy beabs the biddight burk, + Whed through the gloob the Huddish biscreadts + Cobe sdeakigg, bedt od their idhubad work + Of bobbigg slubberigg dod-cobbatadts. + + Or if thy labbedt gleabs thou bayst dot blidd, + Thed bay they aid our airbed add our guds; + Its bark bay every barkigg bissile fidd, + Bay dought be dode abiss, dor dode be duds. + + So bayst thou baffle burderous WILLIAB'S plad, + Add all attebts of that bad badbad bad. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVILEGED DISLOYALTY. + +FIRST TRAITOR. "HOW ARE WE TO PUSH OUR PROPAGANDA PAST THE CENSOR?" + +SECOND TRAITOR. "NOTHING EASIER. GET THE RIGHT KIND OF QUESTIONS ASKED +IN PARLIAMENT; THERE'S NOBODY TO STOP _THEM_ FROM BEING PUBLISHED."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 5th._--By way of celebrating Guy Fawkes Day the +Government announced their intention of compensating, up to a limit of +five hundred pounds, any householder whose property has been damaged +in air-raids. How soon he will cage his "monkey" will depend upon the +Treasury, which is morbidly anxious lest in its transactions _bis dat +qui cito dat_ should be literally illustrated. + +[Illustration: "Forgetting the claims of Glasgow." MR. WATT.] + +The official price of potatoes is still unsettled. According to his +own statement the FOOD CONTROLLER is only waiting for the decision of +the War Cabinet. "On the contrary," said Mr. LAW, "the Cabinet is only +waiting for Lord RHONDDA." It seems to be another case of the Earl of +CHATHAM and Sir RICHAUD STRACHAN; and in the meantime the potatoes are +rotting. + +Provided that no scarcity of gas for other purposes is caused +the Government see no objection to its use for the propulsion of +motor-cars. On receiving this information Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING at +once ordered a Zeppelin attachment to his famous torpedo-shaped car. +No other gas-consumer will suffer, as he is prepared to keep the +apparatus inflated from his own retorts. + +By the scheme of the Boundary Commissioners, the roll of the Commons, +already a hundred per cent. too big for its accommodation, is to be +increased by some thirty Members. Various suggestions for enabling the +new-comers to assist at debates have been proposed. "Dug-outs" under +the existing benches, whence they could poke out their heads between +the legs of other Members, and "painters' cradles" depending from the +ceiling, or the galleries, are among the most popular. + +In the circumstances it is not surprising that the HOME SECRETARY +strenuously resisted the proposal of the London representatives to +give another couple of Members to "the hub of the universe," as Mr. +WATT, momentarily forgetting the claims of Glasgow, handsomely called +it. Among a number of minor concessions, Mr. THEODORE TAYLOR'S plea +that Batley should be associated with Morley "because they have had +many a tussle at cricket" could not be resisted. + +_Tuesday, November 6th._--A statement that the great War Savings +meeting at the Albert Hall cost L3,500, chiefly for the expenses of +delegates, shocked the thrifty conscience of Mr. HOGGE, who hoped Mr. +BALDWIN would discourage the PRIME MINISTER'S meetings if they were so +expensive. Mr. BALDWIN did not condescend to answer him or he might +have observed that the delegates in question were voluntary workers +who by their exertions had helped to raise over a hundred millions for +the prosecution of the War. + +Mr. TILLETT, the newly-elected Member for North Salford, took his +seat, and there was general cheering as, under the safe-conduct of two +amply-proportioned friends, Little Ben was introduced to Big Ben. + +[Illustration: THE NEW RECRUIT. SIR JOHN SIMON.] + +When Mr. BALFOUR informed Mr. JOWETT at Question-time that the only +commitments of Great Britain to France are contained in the Treaty of +Alliance of September 5th, 1914, which has been duly published, he +knocked the foundation from under the subsequent peace-debate. But +that did not prevent Mr. LEES SMITH from making a long speech, on the +assumption that by promising to help France to recover her ravished +provinces we had improperly extended the objects of the war. Mr. +MCCURDY, who shares with Mr. LEES SMITH the representation of +Northampton, plainly hinted that if his colleague cared to visit his +constituents they would be delighted to present him with a specimen of +the local manufacture. + +The speeches of Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. ASQUITH, though well worth +hearing, were hardly needed to complete the rout of the Pacifists; +and, in the division on the Closure, the men who are prepared (in Mr. +FABER'S pungent phrase) "to take the bloody hand of Germany" made a +very poor muster. + +_Wednesday, November 7th._--I am inclined to echo Lord SALISBURY'S +regret that Labour has no direct representative in the Upper House. +The proletarian peer, if there were one, would have been both +surprised and delighted to hear how the non-proletarians, without +exception, spoke of his class. + +My imaginary peer would have been especially edified by the speech of +Lord MILNER, whom a small but noisy section of the Press persists in +describing as more Prussian than the Prussians. Not under-estimating +the difficulties in the way of a frank and full understanding between +Capital and Labour, he nevertheless believed that they would be +overcome, because he had an abiding faith in the mass of his +fellow-countrymen. Not quite what one expects of a British Junker, is +it? + +_Thursday, November 8th._--When tonnage is so scarce it seems odd that +room can still be found for consignments of wild animals. Mr. PETO +drew attention to a coming cargo, including two hundred avadavats, the +little birds about which _Joseph Surface_ was so contemptuous, and six +hundred monkeys--"sufficient," as he pleasantly observed, "to fill +this House." + +For once Mr. BILLING expressed a widely-held opinion when he +questioned the propriety, in present circumstances, of holding the +LORD MAYOR'S Banquet. Mr. BONAR LAW'S solemn assurance that he only +accepted the invitation on the distinct understanding that the feast +would fall completely within the FOOD CONTROLLER'S regulations, was +not altogether convincing. Members were anxious to know the exact +dimensions that Lord RHONDDA has laid down for the turtle-ration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Onlooker_ (_at a Company exhibition, to the better +man_). "HERE, LAAD, NOT SO MOOCH OF IT. WE'M SHORT O' SOJERS IN OUR +COOMPANY, DOAN'T THEE FORGET!"] + + * * * * * + +GILBERT. + +We are all very fond of Gilbert. There are, however, one or two things +about him which even his best friends will admit make it hard for us +at times to remember how much we really love him. Sometimes he seems +almost too good to be true. Yet I have known wet horrible days in the +trenches when the sight of him coming smiling down the line, exuding +efficiency and enthusiasm at every pore, has made his fellow-officers +positively dislike him. + +For, alas, he is one of those dear overzealous fellows whom in moments +of depression we stigmatise as "hearty." He has even been known to +be hearty at breakfast; to come trampling into the dug-out with that +blinking old smile on his face, expressing immense satisfaction with +life in general at the top of a peculiarly robust voice; to tread on +his captain's toes and slap his next-door neighbour heartily on the +back, and then to explain to a swearing and choking audience how +splendidly he has slept, and what a topping day it is going to be. + +Never has Gilbert been known to spend a bad night; he is one of those +fortunate animals who can go to sleep standing and at five minutes' +notice, and start snoring at once. If you try to sleep anywhere near +him, you dream of finding yourself in Covent Garden station, trying to +board endless trains which roar through without stopping--that's the +kind of snore it is. + +And now it is time I told my story. + +It happened many years ago, when the War was young and the Bosch +comparatively aggressive; when our big guns fired once every other +Sunday and we lived precarious lives in holes in the ground. Our +Brigadier, a conscientious soldier of the old school, was dodging +round our line of trenches, and had just reached the sector allotted +to my company, which was also Gilbert's, when the distant buzz that +generally means an aeroplane overhead made itself distinctly heard. + +"Can you spot him?" said the General to his Brigade-major; "one of +theirs, I suppose?" + +Now it is as much as a Brigade-Major's job is worth to confess +ignorance at such a crisis. So, after sweeping the skies fruitlessly +with his glasses and listening intelligently to the steady drone, he +said, "Yes!" with as much conviction as possible. + +"Heads down," said the General sharply, "and don't move. Pass it +down." And by way of example he sat heavily on my periscope and stayed +gazing at the ground like a fakir lost in meditation. + +Meanwhile the message was passed along, and the trench became silent +as the grave. I was informed a few days later that it reached the +outer battalion of the next brigade later on in the morning, and was +popularly supposed to have reached Switzerland the same evening. + +For about five minutes the droning continued ("Having a good look at +us," said the Brigade-major in a sepulchral whisper) and then suddenly +ceased with what I can only describe as an appalling snort. Almost +simultaneously a tousled head was thrust out of a dug-out almost +into the great man's face, and Gilbert's cheerful roar was heard by +a scandalised company. + +"Had a topping sleep. What's the time, someone?" + + * * * * * + + "Best milch cows have been sold recently for L60 in the Isle + of Wight. At a meeting of the Cowes Council it was stated + that at Chichester cows had sold for L73 each."--_Times_. + +And now that the Isle of Wight milkers have held their indignation +meeting it is expected that the anomaly will be removed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE UP!] + + * * * * * + +PETER, THE TEMPTER. + +Necessity does not make stranger bedfellows than some of the changes +brought about by War. Who, for example--and certainly not such a born +sun-worshipper as I--would ever have dreamt that a time would come +when we in London and the Eastern counties would desire rain and wind +with a passionate keenness once reserved solely for fine weather? Yet +so it is. By reason of that foolish invention of flying we now, when +we go to the window in the morning and lift the blind, are dashed and +darkly thoughtful if no sky of grey scudding misery meets our gaze. +"Please Heaven it pours!" we say. Just think of it--"Please Heaven it +pours!" What a treachery! It may even come that we include prayers for +storms in the Liturgy. + +In default of bad weather we may have to Take Cover; and it is when +we Take Cover that discoveries begin and long-postponed adventures +fructify. For years and years, for example, I had looked down that +steep hill by the Tivoli site in the Strand into the yawning cavern +that opens there, and wondered about it. I had thought one day to +explore it, but had never done so, any more than I have yet proceeded +further towards a visit to the Roman Bath, also off the Strand, than +to threaten it. + +But I shall get to the Bath yet, because already, thanks to the +intervention of the Hun, I have become intimately acquainted with +Lower Robert Street, and the next step is simple. + +In the ordinary way, short of desperate impulse and decision--unless +by some happy chance I had relinquished the burden of this pen and +taken happy service with one of the wine merchants who store their +treasure there--I should never have entered Lower Robert Street at +all, for it goes nowhere and runs under the earth, and it is damp +and mouldy, and the only doors, leading to this vault and that, +are locked. But for all these disabilities Lower Robert Street is, +in Gotha and Zeppelin times, a very present help and refuge. There +assemble, with more or less fortitude and philosophy, the denizens +of the Adelphi, thankful indeed that the brothers Adam established +their streets and terrace on so useful a foundation; and there twice +recently have I joined them. And an odd assembly we have made, ranging +as we do from successful dramatists to needy journalists, with an +actress or so to keep us manly. + +There for long hours have we waited until the "All clear" has +sounded--or, at any rate, some have done so. As for myself, on the +last occasion, taking advantage of a lull in the uproar, I crept away +to bed, and, after falling into the sleep of exhaustion, had the +ironical experience of being rudely awakened by the reassuring bugles +and my night again ruined. + +Having taken cover only in Lower Robert Street, which is open to +all, I cannot with any personal knowledge speak of the camaraderie +of private basements; but I suppose that that exists and is another +of the War's byproducts. I take it that, in the event of a sudden +alarm, no householder with a cellar would be so inhuman as to +refuse admittance to a stranger, and already probably a myriad +new friendships and not a few engagements have resulted. Our own +camaraderie is admirable. The federation of the barrage breaks down +every obstacle; while a piece of shrapnel that one can display is more +valuable than any letter of introduction, no matter who wrote it. +Hence we all talk; and sometimes we sing too--choruses of the moment, +for the most part, in one of which the depth of our affection for our +maternal relative is measured and regulated by the floridity of the +roses growing on her porch. + +And yet, when at last friendliness is upon the town, there are +people--and not only alien Hebrews either--who have been hurrying away +from London! When London has become more interesting than ever before +in its history there are people who leave it! + +Personally I mean to cling to the old city as long as it will cling to +me; but even now across one's aching sight comes a "dream of pastime +premature" which shakes such resolves a little. Peter, for example, +has been having a disturbing effect on me. Only now and then, of +course--when I am not quite myself; when the two and thirty (what +remains of them) are not so firmly gritted as they should be; when +even London seems unworthy of devotion. + +But these moods pass. You will admit, though, that Peter has his lure. +I read about him in the _Tavistock Gazette_, one of the few papers, +I fancy, which does not belong to Lord NORTHCLIFFE; and this is +how the lyric (it is really a lyric, although it masquerades as an +advertisement) runs, not only in the paper but in my head: "To be +let, by Tender" (this is not an oath but some odd legal or commercial +term) "as and from Lady Day all that nice little PASTURE FARM known as +HIGHER CHURCH FARM, situate in the village of Peter Tavy." Now what +could be more unlike London under the German invasion and all that +nasty little tunnel known as Lower Robert Street, than Peter Tavy? + +But I must not be tempted. I must stick it out here. + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP A LA MODE. + +The mystification practised by authors who have passed off as their +own work the compositions of others is familiar to all literary +students. SHAKSPEARE'S assumption of borrowed plumes is of course +the classic example. But another and more subtle problem is the +interchange of functions between two men of letters; and the theory +recently advanced by the distinguished critic and occultist, Mr. +Pullar Leggatt, deserves at least a respectful hearing. + + * * * * * + +Briefly stated, it is that during his hermit existence at Putney +the late Mr. SWINBURNE effected an interchange of this sort with Sir +W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; the Editor of _The British Weekly_ devoting +himself to the composition of poems, while the poet assumed editorial +control of the famous newspaper. If the theory thus crudely stated +sounds somewhat fantastic the arguments on which it is based are +extraordinarily plausible if not convincing. + + * * * * * + +To begin with, experts in anagrams will not fail to notice that the +names ALGERNON SWINBURNE and W. ROBERTSON NICOLL contain practically +the same number of letters--absolutely the same if SWINBURNE is spelt +without an "e"--and that the forenames of both end in "-on," as does +also the concluding syllable of WATTS-DUNTON. The fact that the Editor +of _The British Weekly_ has never published any poems over his own +name only tends to confirm the theory, as the argument conclusively +establishes. + + * * * * * + +For it is impossible to believe that so versatile a polymath should +not at some time or other have courted the Muse, and if so, under what +name could he have had a stronger motive for publishing his poems than +that of SWINBURNE? So austere a theologian would naturally shrink from +revealing his excursions into the realms of poesy, and under this +disguise he was safe from detection. Lastly, while Sir W. ROBERTSON +NICOLL has always championed the Kailyard School, SWINBURNE lived +at The Pines. The connection is obvious; as thus: Kail, sea-kale, +sea-coal, coke, coker-nut, walnut, dessert, pine-apple, pine. + + * * * * * + +As regards SWINBURNE'S conduct of _The British Weekly_, it is enough +to point to such alliterative and melodious combinations as "Rambling +Remarks" and "Claudius Clear." The theological attitude of the paper +presents difficulties which are not so easy to overcome, but Mr. +Pullar Leggatt has promised to deal with this question later on. +Meanwhile the diplomatic silence maintained by Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL +and Mr. EDMUND GOSSE must not be interpreted as conveying either a +complete acceptance or a total rejection of this remarkable theory. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wounded Tommy_. "WILL YOU PLAY MENDELSSOHN'S 'SPRING +SONG,' PLEASE?" + +_Distinguished Pianist_ (_with a soul above Mendelssohn_). "I'M AFRAID +I CAN'T." + +_Tommy_. "IT IS A BIT OF A TEASER, AIN'T IT? TIES MY SISTER UP IN A +KNOT WHENEVER SHE TACKLES IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CRUMMLES. + +HERTLING "is not Prussian." + + * * * * * + +MY PYJAMAS. + +A STUDY IN THE FASTIDIOUS. + +I hope this is not going to be embarrassing. If so, it is not my +fault. This is history, please remember, not fiction. I wanted--I am +obliged to say it--pyjamas for winter wear. I know all about pyjamas +for summer wear; what I wanted was pyjamas for winter wear, and I +decided that Agnes should make them. For years I have been trying to +get proper pyjamas--by which I mean pyjamas properly made--but the +haberdasher always smiles depreciation and tells me that the goods he +offers me are what are always worn. Quite so; but what I say is that +out of bed and for the purpose of having your photograph taken Trade +pyjamas are all right; but that in bed they commit untold offences. I +enter my bed clothed; I settle down in it half-naked. The jacket has +run up to my arm-pits; my legs are bare to the knee; my arms to the +elbows; the loosely buttoned front is ruckled up into a funnel, down +which, whenever I move, the bedclothes like a bellows draw a chill +blast of air on to that particular part of my chest which is designed +for catching colds. When I turn over in my dreams I wake to find +myself tied as with ropes. Slumber's chains have indeed bound me. I am +a man in the clothing of a nightmare. The cold, cold sheets catch me +in the most ticklesome delicacies of my back and make me jump again. +Enough. + +"Well," said Agnes, "if I am going to make your pyjamas you must tell +me exactly what you want." + +"My pyjamas," I said, "shall be buttoned round the ankle and capacious +below the waist--there I ask a Turkish touch. The jacket shall be +buttoned at the wrists and baggy at the shoulder; at the chest it +shall strap me across like an R.F.C. tunic, and it shall be securely +clipped to the trousers." + +"Why not have it all in one?" + +"What!" I cried, "and parade hotel passages in search of the bath +looking like a clown out of a circus? No, thank you." + +"You must make me a pattern then," said Agnes, "or I shan't know what +to do." + +I can't make patterns, but I can, and I did, make plans of ground and +first-floor levels, a section and back and front elevations, all to a +scale of one inch to the foot exactly. I also made a full-size detail +of a toggle-and-cinch gear linking the upper storey to the lower. + +"I think," Agnes said, "you had better come to the shop and choose the +material." + +I thought so too. I wanted something gaudy that would make me feel +cheerful when I woke in the morning; but I also had another idea in +my mind. _Mangle-proof buttons_! Have the things been invented yet? + +The archbishop who attended to us deprecated the idea of india-rubber +buttons. + +"What kind are you now using?" he asked solicitously. + +"At present, on No. 2," I said, "I am using splinters of +mother-of-pearl. Last week, with No. 1, I used a steel ring hanging +by its rim to a shred of linen, two safeties, and a hairpin found on +the floor." + +I chose a flannel with broad green and violet stripes, and very large +buttons of vitrified brick which I hoped might break the mangle. These +buttons were emerald in colour and gave me a new idea. _Trimmings_. + +"I want to look right if the house catches fire," I told Agnes. "Green +sateen collar to match the buttons--" + +"And for the wristbands," said Agnes, catching my enthusiasm. + +"And for the wristbands," I agreed; "but," I added, "not at the +ankles. That would make the other people in the street expect me to +dance to them, and I don't know how to." + +And now the good work is complete. Toggle and cinch perform their +proud functions, and I sleep undisturbed by Arctic nightmares, for I +have substituted green ties for the stoneware buttons which reduced +my vitality by absorbing heat. My only trouble is my increasing +reluctance to rise in the morning. I don't like changing out of my +beautiful things so early in the day. I am beginning to want breakfast +in bed. + + * * * * * + +AT THE DUMP. + +(_LINES TO THE N.C.O. IN CHARGE._) + + Now is the hour of dusk and mist and midges, + Now the tired planes drone homeward through the haze, + And distant wood-fires wink behind the ridges, + And the first flare some timorous Hun betrays; + Now no shell circulates, but all men brood + Over their evening food; + The bats flit warily and owl and rat + With muffled cries their shadowy loves pursue, + And pleasant, Corporal, it is to chat + In this hushed moment with a man like you. + + How strange a spectacle of human passions + Is yours all day beside the Arras road, + What mournful men concerned about their rations + When here at eve the limbers leave their load, + What twilight blasphemy, what horses' feet + Entangled with the meat, + What sudden hush when that machine-gun sweeps, + And--flat as possible for men so round-- + The Quartermasters may be seen in heaps, + While you sit still and chuckle, I'll be bound! + + Here all men halt awhile and tell their rumours; + Here the young runners come to cull your tales, + How Generals talked with you, in splendid humours, + And how the Worcestershires have gone to Wales; + Up yonder trench each lineward regiment swings, + Saying some shocking things; + And here at dark sad diggers stand in hordes + Waiting the late elusive Engineer, + While glowing pipes illume yon notice-boards, + That say, "No LIGHTS. YOU MUST NOT LOITER HERE." + + And you sit ruminant and take no action, + But daylong watch the aeroplanes at play, + Or contemplate with secret satisfaction + Your fellow-men proceeding towards the fray; + Your sole solicitude when men report + There is a shovel short, + Or, numbering jealously your rusty store, + Some mouldering rocket, some wet bomb you miss + That was reserved for some ensuing war, + But on no grounds to be employed in this. + + For Colonels flatter you, most firm of warders, + For sandbags suppliant, and do no good, + And high Staff officers and priests in orders + In vain beleaguer you for bits of wood, + While I, who have nor signature nor chit, + But badly want a bit, + I only talk to you of these high themes, + Nor stoop to join the sycophantic choir, + Seeing (I trust) my wicked batman, Jeames, + Has meanwhile pinched enough to light my fire. + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_looking out of train on to darkened +platform_). "PORTER, IS THIS EDGWARE ROAD? I CAN'T SEE A THING." + +_Porter_ (_with Irish blood in her_). "NOT YET, M'M. EDGWARE ROAD'S +THE STATION BEFORE YOU GETS TO BAKER STHEET."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +"In a few days," says the puff preliminary of _The Coming_ (CHATTO +AND WINDUS), "you and all your friends will be reading and discussing +this most strange and prophetic novel." Perhaps. But what we shall +be saying about it depends largely, I suppose, upon our definition +of the term prophetic; also a little upon our feeling with regard to +good taste and the permissible in fiction. My own contribution will +be a sincere regret that a writer as gifted as Mr. J.C. SNAITH should +have attempted the obviously impossible. His theme, symbolised by a +wrapper-design of three figures silhouetted against a golden sunrise, +is a second advent of the Messiah, embodied in the person of a village +carpenter named (with palpable significance) _John Smith_, whom local +prejudice sends, not inexcusably, to a madhouse, where he dies, after +converting the inmates and instituting a campaign of universal peace. +Frankly, the chief interest of such a wildly fantastic idea lies in +watching just how far Mr. SNAITH can carry it without too flagrant +offence. That his treatment is both sincere and careful hardly lessens +my feeling that the whole attempt is one to be deplored. Humour of the +intentional kind has, of course, no place in the author's scheme. How +remote is its banishment you may judge when I tell you that the Divine +message is represented as given to mankind in the form of a wonderful +play, which instantly achieves world-wide fame, being performed by no +fewer than fifty companies in America alone. The problem (to name but +one) of the resulting struggle between plenary inspiration and the +conditions of a fit-up tour is only another proof of my contention +that there are more things in heaven and earth than can be treated +in realistic fiction, and that Mr. SNAITH'S good intentions have +unfortunately betrayed him into selecting the least possible. + + * * * * * + +If _Humphrey Thorncot_ and his sister _Edith_ had not bored one +another and grown touchy--I judge by their reported conversations--in +a house with green shutters in Chelsea, they would never have gone +to St. Elizabeth, which is a Swiss resort, and would never have met +the East-Prussian family of the _von Ludwigs_ in the year before the +War. And _Humphrey_ would never have fallen (temporarily) in love +with _Hulda von Ludwig_, nor would _Karl von Ludwig_ have fallen +(permanently) in love with _Edith Thorncot_. The troubles and miseries +of this latter couple are related by Mr. HUGH SPENDER in _The Gulf_ +(COLLINS). Papa _von Ludwig_ objects so violently to all this +love-making that he eventually succumbs to a regular East-Prussian +stroke of apoplexy which all but leads to a charge of parricide +against _Karl_ by his base brother, _Wilhelm_. _Karl_ is really too +good for this world. He objects to atrocities and refuses at the risk +of his own life to shoot innocent Belgian villagers. Being imprisoned, +he escapes by means of a secret sliding panel and an underground +passage which leads him, not immediately, but after many vicissitudes, +to America. There he is joined by his faithful _Edith_, who defies the +Gulf caused by the War, and marries him. Mr. SPENDER appears to have +been in some doubt as to whether he should write the story of two +souls or the history of the first few weeks of the War. Eventually +he elects to do both, and his novel consequently suffers somewhat in +grip. He certainly paints a very vivid picture of events in the first +period of active operations. May I hint a doubt, by the way, whether +in 1913 a French Professor would have mentioned HINDENBURG as one of +Germany's most important men? Whatever he may have been in Germany, +HINDENBURG was for the outside world a later discovery. + + * * * * * + +_Further Memories_ (HUTCHINSON) is justly called by its publishers +a "fascinating volume." The designation will not surprise those who +enjoyed the late Lord REDESDALE'S former book of recollections. The +present collection is a little haphazard (but none the worse for +that), its chapters ranging over such diverse subjects as Gardens +and Trees, QUEEN VICTORIA, BUDDHA, and the Commune. Certainly not +the least interesting is that devoted to the story of the Wallace +Collection, of which Lord REDESDALE was one of the trustees. His +account of the origin and devolution of the famous treasures will +invest them with a new interest in the happy days when they shall +again be visible. Mr. EDMUND GOSSE contributes a foreword to the +present volume, in which he draws a pathetic picture of the author, +still unconquerably young, despite his years, facing the future with +only one fear, that of the unemployment to which his increasing +deafness, and the break-up of the world as it was before the War, +seemed to be condemning him. _Further Memories_ was, we are told, +undertaken as some sort of a safeguard against this menace of +stagnation. It was a measure for which we may all be glad, as we can +share Mr. GOSSE'S thanksgiving that the writer's death, coming when +it did, saved him, as he had wished, "from all consciousness of +decrepitude." + + * * * * * + +When an unstable young wife, getting tired of a pedantic husband in +the way so familiar to students of novels, goes off with a companion +more to her taste, anyone can foresee trouble, or what would there be +to write about? When, further, her detestable lover, seeking change +and fearing the financial lash of his properly indignant parent, +terminates the arrangement, even an observer of real life can +guess that her return to her rightful lord and master must entail +disagreeables; but only a reader well brazened in modern fiction could +expect Don Juan promptly to make love to and marry the husband's +sister without a word of apology to anyone. This kind of rather +unsavoury dabbling in problems best left to themselves generally +concludes with the decease of most of the characters and a sort +of clearing up, and to this rule, after many years and pages of +discomfort, MARY E. MANN'S new story, _The Victim_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), is no exception. Not a very attractive programme, but all +the same the volume has one or two redeeming features. For one thing, +the sister is clearly and attractively drawn, and so is the picture on +the wrapper, though it represents no particular incident to be traced +in the pages of the volume which it adorns. Writing more strongly than +is perhaps her wont, Mrs. MANN has taken some trouble to emphasise the +fact that in these cases of uncontrolled passion the major penalty +of guilt is borne not by the offenders themselves but by the first +generation succeeding. This does need saying occasionally, I suppose, +and to that extent _The Victim_ redeems itself from the charge of +trivial unpleasantness. + + * * * * * + +Mr. J. RATH has really discovered a new type of heroine, new at least +this side the Atlantic. His farm-bred _Sadie_, a Buffalo shirt-packer, +classifies men by the sizes of their shirts, has no use for any +swain with a chest measurement under forty, and eventually in a most +original way finds her hero in _Mister 44_ (METHUEN), an enormous +Canadian engineer and sportsman. She is no chicken herself and has +a passion to be free of the city and out in the great open. _Sadie_ +is more than big; she is beautiful, burnished-copper-haired, sincere +and kind, and, though I think the author "gets this over" quite well +I liked her best before she found her man and her _Robinson Crusoe_ +adventures among the islands of Ontario, and was giving back chat to +the little foreman in the factory. Here she is a pure delight; and +in these days, when a knowledge of the American language may come in +handy at any moment, this amiable romance may well be recommended as +an attractive manual of first-aid in the matter. + + * * * * * + +Without professing to be a student of Mrs. DIVER'S books I know enough +about them to be worried by the commonplaceness of _Unconquered_ +(MURRAY). Like so many other authors she has succumbed to the lure +of the War-novel. There may be a public for tales of this kind, but +I have not yet read one that approaches artistic success. Here we +are spared nothing. _Sir Mark Forsyth_ goes to France in the early +days, is first of all reported "missing, believed killed," and then +officially reported "killed." Of course he turns up again, but such +a physical wreck that the minx whom he was to have married breaks +off the engagement. Naturally the sweet girl, friend of _Mark's_ +childhood, undertakes to fill the gap. The minx, _Bel Alison_, is so +scathingly drawn that from sheer perversity I found myself hunting +for one good point in her character; but without a find. On the other +hand, _Lady Forsyth_, _Mark's_ mother, and a quiet, capable man called +_Macnair_, are admirably put before us. Yet at best there remains +the conviction that the War is terribly real that these attempts to +romance about it are almost bound to be as superficial as they are +superfluous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DURING THE RAID. _Disappointed Player_. "HARD LINES! I +HAD AN EASY FIVE SHOT THAT WOULD HAVE RUN ME OUT."] + + * * * * * + + "Lost, between Ryde Pier and Southsea, Black Satin Bag, containing + keys and eyeglasses. Reward given."--_Portsmouth Paper_. + +A chance for the local mine-sweepers. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, NOV. 14, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11428.txt or 11428.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/2/11428 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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