diff options
Diffstat (limited to '11428-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 11428-0.txt | 1562 |
1 files changed, 1562 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/11428-0.txt b/11428-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a674232 --- /dev/null +++ b/11428-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1562 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11428 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11428-h.htm or 11428-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h/11428-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11428/11428-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +NOVEMBER 14, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +People are asking, "Can there be a hidden brain in the Foreign +Office?" + + *** + +A German posing as a Swiss, and stated by the police to be "a spy +and a dangerous character," has been sentenced to six months' +imprisonment. The matter will be further investigated pending +his escape. + + *** + +Three men were charged at Old Street last week with attempting the +"pot of tea" trick. The trick apparently consists in finding a man +with a pot of tea and giving him a sovereign to go round the corner +and buy a ham sandwich, the thief meanwhile offering to hold the pot +of tea. When the owner returns the tea has, of course, vanished. + + *** + +The increased consumption of bread, says Sir ARTHUR YAPP, is due to +the 9d. loaf. It would just serve us right if bread cost 2s. 6d. a +pound and there wasn't any, like everything else. + + *** + +"It is all a matter of taste," says a correspondent of _The Daily +Mail_, "but I think parsnips are now at their best." They may be +looking their best, but the taste remains the same. + + *** + +Seventy tons of blackberries for the soldiers have been gathered by +school-children in Buckinghamshire. Arrangements have been made for +converting this fruit into plum-and-apple jam. + + *** + +"Home Ruler" was the occupation given by a Chertsey woman on her +sugar-card application. The FOOD CONTROLLER states that although this +form of intimidation may work with the Government it has no terrors +for him. + + *** + +The Russian Minister of Finance anticipates getting a revenue of forty +million pounds from a monopoly of tea. It is thought that he must have +once been a grocer. + + *** + +The Law Courts are to be made available as an air-raid shelter by day +and night, and some of our revue proprietors are already complaining +of unfair competition. + + *** + +Two survivors of the battle of Inkerman have been discovered at +Brighton. Their inactivity in the present crisis is most unfavourably +commented on by many of the week-end visitors. + + *** + +A dolphin nearly eight feet in length has been landed by a boy who was +fishing at Southwold. Its last words were that it hoped the public +would understand that it had only heard of the food shortage that +morning. + + *** + +Captain OTTO SVERDRUP, the Arctic explorer, has returned his German +decorations. Upon hearing this the KAISER at once gave orders for the +North Pole to be folded up and put away. + + *** + +A certain number of cold storage eggs at sixpence each are being +released in Berlin and buyers are urged to "fetch them promptly." +In this connection several Iron Crosses have already been awarded +for acts of distinguished bravery by civilians. + + *** + +One of the new toys for Christmas is a cat which will swim about in a +bath. If only the household cat could learn to swim it might be the +means of saving several of its lives. + + *** + +A correspondent would like to know whether the naval surgeon who +recently described in _The Lancet_ how he raised "hypnotic blisters" +by suggestion received his tuition from one of our University +riverside coaches. + + *** + +We are asked to deny the rumour that Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, who last +week cracked a joke which was not understood by some American +soldiers, has decided to do it all over again. + + *** + +The power of music! An enterprising firm of manufacturers offers +pensions to women who become widows after the purchase of a piano +on the instalment plan. + + *** + +We understand that a Member of Parliament will shortly ask for a day +to be set aside to inquire into the conduct of Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, who +is reported to have recently shown marked pro-British tendencies. + + *** + +In view of the attitude taken up by _The Daily Express_ against Sir +ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the question of "spooks," we understand that +the celebrated author, who has long contemplated the final death of +_Sherlock Holmes_, has arranged that the famous detective shall one +day be found dead with a copy of _The Daily Express_ in his hand. + + *** + +A customer, we are told, may take his own buns into a public +eating-house, but the proprietor must register them. In view of the +growing habit of pinching food, the pre-war custom of chaining them +to the umbrella-stand is no longer regarded as safe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR. [Sign before church with +bomb-damaged steeple:] THE REV SULVANUS JONES WILL PREACH NEXT SUNDAY +MORNING ON WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CHURCH?] + + * * * * * + +INDIA MOVES. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The following is taken from a letter from the +Quartermaster-General in India to the General Officers Commanding +Divisions and Independent Brigades:-- + + "I am directed to point out that at present there appears to + be considerable diversity of opinion regarding the number of + buttons, and the method of placing the same on mattresses in + use in hospitals. + + "I am therefore to request that in future all hospital mattresses + should be made up with fifty-three buttons placed in fifteen rows + of four and three alternately." + +This should convince your readers that even India has at last grasped +the idea of the War and is getting a move on. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. H. A. Barker, the bonesetter, performed a bloodless and + successful operation yesterday upon Mr. Will Thorne's knee, + which he fractured six years ago."--_Sunday Paper_. + +If the case is correctly reported--which we doubt--it was very +confiding of Mr. THORNE to go to him again. + + * * * * * + +MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN. + + Beersheba gone, and Gaza too! + And lo! the British lion, + After a pause to comb his mane, + Is grimly padding off again, + Tail up, _en route_ for Zion. + + Yes, things are looking rather blue, + Just as in Mesopotamy; + My life-blood trickles in the sand; + My veins run dry; I cannot stand + Much more of this phlebotomy. + + In vain for WILLIAM'S help I cry, + Sick as a mule with glanders; + Too busy--selfish swine--is he + With winning ground in Italy + And losing it in Flanders. + + His missives urge me not to fly + But use the utmost fury + To hold these Christian dogs at bay + And for his sake to block the way + To his belovéd Jewry. + + "My feet," he wired, "have trod those scenes; + Within the walls of Salem + My sacred presence deigned to dwell, + And I should hate these hounds of hell + To be allowed to scale 'em. + + "So do your best to give them beans + (You have some ammunition?), + And at a less congested date + I will arrive and consecrate + Another German mission." + + That's how he wires, alternate days, + But sends no troops to trammel + The foe that follows as I bump + Across Judæa on the hump + Of my indifferent camel. + + Well, I have tried all means and ways, + But seldom fail to foozle 'em; + And now if WILLIAM makes no sign + (This is his funeral more than mine) + The giaours can have Jerusalem. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE SUGAR FIEND. + +"I will have a cup of tea," I said to the waitress, "China if +possible; and please don't forget the sugar." + +"Yes, and what will you eat with I it?" she asked. + +"What you please," I replied; "it is all horrible." + +I do not take kindly to war-time teas. My idea of a tea is several +cups of the best China, with three large lumps of sugar in each, and +half-a-dozen fancy-cakes with icing sugar all over them and cream in +the middle, and just a few cucumber sandwiches for the finish. (This +does sound humorous, no doubt, but I seek no credit for it. Humour +used to depend upon a sense of proportion. It now depends upon memory. +The funniest man in England at the present moment is the man who has +the most accurate memory for the things he was doing in the early +summer of 1914). + +The loss of the cakes I could bear stoically enough if they would +leave my tea alone, or rather if they would allow me a reasonable +amount of sugar for it. However, we are an adaptable people and there +are ways in which even the sugar paper-dish menace can be met. My own +plan, here offered freely to all my fellow-sufferers, provides an +admirable epitome of War and Peace. The sugar allowance being about +half what it ought to be, I take half of the cup unsweetened, thus +tasting the bitterness of war, and then I put in the sugar and bask +in the sunshine of peace. + +On this particular occasion peace was on the point of being declared +when I found my attention irresistibly compelled by the man sitting +opposite to me, the only other occupant of my table. At first I +thought of asking him not to stare at me so rudely, and then I found +that he was not looking at me but over my shoulder at some object at +the end of the room. I can resist the appeal of three hundred people +gazing into the sky at the same moment, but the intense concentration +of this man was too much for me. I turned round. Seeing nothing +unusual I turned back again, but it was too late. My sugar had +gone! No trace of it anywhere, except in the bubbles that winked +suspiciously on the surface of the miscreant's tea. + +His face did not belong to any of the known criminal types. It was a +pale, dreamy, garden-suburb sort of face--a face you couldn't possibly +give in charge, except, perhaps, under the Military Service Acts. + +"Do you know," I said to him, "that you have just committed one of the +most terrible offences open to civilised mankind--a crime even worse +(Heaven help me if I exaggerate) than trampling on an allotment?" + +"Oh, I'm sorry!" he replied, waking from his dream. "Did you want that +sugar? You know, you seemed to be getting on very well without it." + +As I could not believe him to be beyond the reach of pity, I explained +my method to him, describing as harrowingly as I could the joy of +those first few moments after the declaration of peace. I suggested to +him that he might sometimes find it useful himself, if ever he should +be compelled to sit at an unoccupied table. ("_Touché_," he murmured, +raising his hat). "And now," I concluded, "as I have told you my +system, perhaps you will tell me yours--not for imitation, but for +avoidance." + +"There is very little to tell," he replied sorrowfully, "but it is +tragic enough. All my life I have been fond of sugar. Before the war +I took always nine lumps to a cup of tea. (It was my turn to raise +my hat.) By a severe course of self-repression I have reduced it to +seven, but I cannot get below that. I have given up the attempt. There +are a hundred cures for the drink habit; there is not one for the +sugar habit. As I cannot repress the desire, I have had to put all my +energy into getting hold of sugar. I noticed some time ago that at +these restaurants they give the sugar allowance to all customers who +ask for tea or coffee, although perhaps twenty per cent. of them do +not take sugar at all. It is these people who supply me with the extra +sugar I need. In your case it was an honest mistake. I always wait to +see if people are proposing to use their sugar before I appropriate +it." + +"But if you only take from the willing," I inquired, "why do you not +ask their permission?" + +"I suppose I have given you the right to ask me that question," he +replied with much dignity, "but it is painful to me to have to answer +it. I have not yet sunk so low that I have to beg people for their +cast-off sugar. I may come to it in the end, perhaps. At present the +'earnest gaze' trick is generally sufficient, or, where it fails, a +kick on the shin. But I hate cruelty." + +"Physical cruelty," I suggested. + +"No, any kind of cruelty. I have said that in your case I made a +mistake. If I could repair it I would." + +"Well," I said, "here's something you can do towards it, although it's +little enough." And I handed him the ticket the waitress had written +out for me. "And now I'll go and get a cup of tea somewhere." + +"One moment," he said, as I rose to go. "We may meet again." + +"Never!" I said firmly. + +"Ah, but we may, I have a number of disguises. Let me suggest +something that will make another mistake of this kind impossible." + +"I am not going to give up my plan," I said. + +"No, don't," he answered; "but _why not drink the sugared half +first?_" + + * * * * * + +Extract from an official letter received "Somewhere in France":-- + + "It must be clearly understood that the numbers shown under the + heading, 'Awaiting Leave' will be the number of all ranks who have + not had leave to the United Kingdom since last arrival in this + country, whether such arrival was their last return from Leave, + or their last arrival in France." + +And the Authorities are still wondering why the "Awaiting Leave" list +tallied so exactly with the daily strength. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GREAT INCENTIVE. MEHMED (_reading despatch from the +All-Highest_). "'DEFEND JERUSALEM AT ALL COSTS FOR MY SAKE. I WAS ONCE +THERE MYSELF.'"] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +The ammunition columns on either flank provide us with plenty of +amusement. They seem to live by stealing each other's mules. My +line-guards tell me that stealthy figures leading shadowy donkeys are +crossing to and fro all night long through my lines. The respective +C.O.'s, an Australian and an Irishman, drop in on us from time to time +and warn us against each other. I remain strictly neutral, and so far +they have respected my neutrality. I have taken steps toward this end +by surrounding my horses with barbed wire and spring guns, tying bells +on them and doubling the guard. + +Monk, the Australian, dropped in on us two or three days ago. "That +darn Sinn Feiner is the limit," said he; "lifted my best moke off me +last night while I was up at the batteries. He'd pinch BALAAM'S ass." +We murmured condolences, but Monk waived them aside. "Oh, it's quite +all right. I wasn't born yesterday, or the day before for that matter. +I'll make that merry Fenian weep tears of blood before I've finished. +Just you watch." + +O'Dwyer, the merry Fenian, called next day. + +"Give us a dhrink, brother-officers," said he, "I'm wake wid +laughter." + +We asked what had happened. + +"Ye know that herrin'-gutted bush-ranger over yonder? He'd stale the +milk out of your tea, he would, be the same token. Well, last night he +got vicious and took a crack at my lines. I had rayson to suspect he'd +be afther tryin' somethin' on, so I laid for him. I planted a certain +mule where he _could_ stale it an' guarded the rest four deep. Begob, +will ye believe me, but he fell into the thrap head-first--the poor +simple divil." + +"But he got your mule," said Albert Edward, perplexed. + +"Shure an' he did, you bet he did--he got old Lyddite." + +Albert Edward and I were still puzzled. + +"Very high explosive--hence name," O'Dwyer explained. + +"Dear hearrts," he went on, "he's got my stunt mule, my family +assassin! That long-ear has twenty-three casualties to his credit, +including a Brigadier. I have to twitch him to harness him, side-line +him to groom him, throw him to clip him, and dhrug him to get him +shod. Perceive the jest now? Esteemed comrade Monk is afther pinchin' +an infallable packet o' sudden death, an' he don't know it--yet." + +"What's the next move?" I inquired. + +"I'm going to lave him there. Mind you I don't want to lose the old +moke altogether, because, to tell the truth, I'm a biteen fond of him +now that I know his thricks, but I figure Mr. Monk will be a severely +cured character inside a week, an' return the beastie himself with +tears an' apologies on vellum so long." + +I met O'Dwyer again two days later on the mud track. He reined up his +cob and begged a cigarette. + +"Been havin' the fun o' the worrld down at the dressin'-station +watchin' Monk's casualties rollin' in," said he. "Terrible spectacle, +'nough to make a sthrong man weep. Mutual friend Monk lookin' 'bout as +genial as a wet hen. This is goin' to be a wondherful lesson to him. +See you later." He nudged his plump cob and ambled off, whistling +merrily. + +But it was Monk we saw later. He wormed his long corpse into "_Mon +Repos_" and sat on Albert Edward's bed laughing like a tickled hyena. +"Funniest thing on earth," he spluttered. "A mule strayed into my +lines t'other night and refused to leave. It was a rotten beast, a +holy terror; it could kick a fly off its ears and bite a man in half. +I don't mind admitting it played battledore and what's-'is-name with +my organisation for a day or two, but out of respect for O'Dwyer, +blackguard though he is, I ..." + +"Oh, so it was O'Dwyer's mule?" Albert Edward cut in innocently. + +Monk nodded hastily. "Yes, so it turned out. Well, out of respect +for O'Dwyer I looked after it as far as it would allow me, naturally +expecting he'd come over and claim it--but he didn't. On the fourth +day, after it had made a light breakfast off a bombardier's ear and +kicked a gap in a farrier, I got absolutely fed up, turned the damn +cannibal loose and gave it a cut with a whip for godspeed. It made +off due east, cavorting and snorting until it reached the tank-track; +there it stopped and picked a bit of grass. Presently along comes a +tank, proceeding to the fray, and gives the mule a poke in the rear. +The mule lashes out, catching the tank in the chest, and then goes on +with his grazing without looking round, leaving the tank for dead, as +by all human standards it should have been, of course. But instead of +being dead the box of tricks ups and gives the donk another butt and +moves on. That roused the mule properly. He closed his eyes and laid +into the tank for dear life; you could hear it clanging a mile away. + +"After delivering two dozen of the best, the moke turned round to +sniff the cold corpse, but the corpse was still warm and smiling. Then +the mule went mad and set about the tank in earnest. He jabbed it in +the eye, upper-cut it on the point, hooked it behind the ear, banged +its slats, planted his left on the mark and his right on the solar +plexus, but still the tank sat up and took nourishment. + +"Then the donkey let a roar out of him and closed with it; tried +the half-Nelson, the back heel, the scissors, the roll, and the +flying-mare; tried Westmoreland and Cumberland style, collar and +elbow, Cornish, Græco-Roman, scratch-as-scratch-can and Ju-jitsu. +Nothing doing. Then as a last despairing effort he tried to charge +it over on its back and rip the hide off it with his teeth. + +"But the old tank gave a 'good-by ee' cough of its exhaust and rumbled +off as if nothing had happened, nothing at all. I have never seen +such a look of surprise on any living creature's face as was on that +donk's. He sank down on his tail, gave a hissing gasp and rolled over +stone dead. Broken heart." + +"Is that the end?" Albert Edward inquired. + +"It is," said Monk; "and if you go outside and look half-right you'll +see the bereaved Mr. O'Dwyer, all got up in sack-cloth, cinders +and crêpe rosettes, mooning over the deceased like a dingo on an +ash-heap." PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Aunt Maria_. "DO YOU KNOW I ONCE ACTUALLY SAW THE +KAISER RIDING THROUGH THE STREETS OF LONDON AS BOLD AS BRASS. IF I'D +KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I'D HAVE TOLD A POLICEMAN."] + + * * * * * + +"FOR THE DURATION ..." + + "The forenoon service in the Parish Church will be at 11 o'clock + instead of 11.15 on Sunday first, and will continue till further + orders."--_Scottish Paper_. + + * * * * * + +AID FOR THE MILITARY POLICE. + + "The recruiting hut which is being erected in Trafalgar Square in + connection with the campaign undertaken by the Ministry of Labour + to recruit women for the Women's Army Auxiliary Cops will shortly + be completed."--_Sunday Pictorial_. + + * * * * * + + "She was visited occasionally by a man of foreign appearance, who + was believed to be her bother-in-law."--_Ipswich Evening Star_. + +Probably one of those "strained relations" we so often read about. + + * * * * * + + "My Correspondent's bona fides are above suspicion."--_"The + Clubman" in "The Pall Matt Gazette."_ + +One good fide deserves another, but of course the more the merrier. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Keen Motorist _(who has temporarily taken to +push-biking, to leisurely fowl which has brought him low)_. "JUST +YOU WAIT TILL THEY REMOVE THESE PETROL RESTRICTIONS."] + + * * * * * + +INVITATION. + + If you will come and stay with us you shall not want for ease; + We'll swing you on a cobweb between the forest trees; + And twenty little singing-birds upon a flowering thorn + Shall hush you every evening and wake you every morn. + + If you will come and stay with us you need not miss your school; + A learned toad shall teach you, high-perched upon his stool; + And he will tell you many things that none but fairies know-- + The way the wind goes wandering and how the daisies grow. + + If you will come and stay with us you shall not lack, my dear, + The finest fairy raiment, the best of fairy cheer; + We'll send a million glow-worms out, and slender chains of light + Shall make a shining pathway--then why not come to-night? + + R.F. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS FARE IN WAR-TIME. + + "Whatever the dinner be like, we can still have our fill of + holly and mistletoe."--_Star_. + + * * * * * + +IMITATION AIR-RAIDS. + +Mr. Punch is glad to note that some real efforts are being made to +meet the public needs in this matter on nights when there is no attack +by the enemy. + +In particular the owners of certain large warehouses have come forward +in a spirited manner by giving directions for the banging of large +folding-doors at suitable (irregular) hours. Private individuals +also, especially when returning home late at night, can do something +in the way of supplying entertainment for nervous residents in the +neighbourhood. Much is expected, too, of the large dairy companies, +who, by their control of vast numbers of heavy milk-cans, are in a +peculiarly favoured position. By the manipulation of these vessels on +a stone floor a very complete imitation of a raid can be produced. +A good deal, of course, can be done by any ordinary householder. "I +have had great fun," one correspondent writes, "with a very deliberate +and heavily-striking Dutch clock, which I have lately put against my +party-wall. My neighbour's family frequently jump up and run for the +basement. When they get used to the thing I shall give the other side +a turn." + + * * * * * + +THE FIRE-DRILL. + +Once a month, as laid down in "Orders for Auxiliary Hospitals for +Officers," or some such document, we practise fire-drill. This +consists of escaping from upper windows by means of precarious +canvas chutes. The only people exempted from this ceremony are Mrs. +Ropes--who watches with great delight from a safe distance--and +Sister, who stands sternly at the top to make sure (a) that those +patients who don't want to go down do go down, and (b) that those +patients who do want to go down don't go down more than once. No +excuses are taken. The fixed ration is one slither per chute per +person. + +We had this month's rehearsal last Tuesday. The patients were put +through it first, Major Stanley--to his great disgust--being chosen +to lead the way and set his juniors an example. He was told that it +was possible, by sticking out his elbows, to go down as slowly as he +liked; but he must have done it wrong somehow, for he disappeared with +startling suddenness the instant he let go the window-sill, and almost +simultaneously his boots shot out at the other end and doubled Dutton +the butler up so badly that he had to be taken away and reinflated. + +Haynes, who came next, insisted on first making his dying speech from +the window, for, as he pointed out to Sister, when people allowed +themselves to be inserted alive into machines of this type there was +every likelihood of their reappearing at the other end in the form of +sausages. Seymour handed Sister a bulky package labelled "WILL" before +starting, and most of us managed to be mildly humorous in some way or +other. + +Mrs. Ropes, on the lawn, enjoyed it all immensely; and so did Ansell, +who was standing beside her with an air of detachment. Sister's eagle +eye singled him out. + +"Come along, Mr. Ansell," she called. "I see you--your turn next. No +shirking." + +"I'm not in this, Sister," he answered loftily. + +"Oh, indeed! And why not?" + +"Because I sleep on the verandah. If there's a fire I simply get out +of bed and step into the garden." + +"Oh, no, you don't," put in Seymour. "That would be entirely contrary +to regulations. The official method of escaping from burning buildings +is down the official chute. In case of fire your correct procedure +will be to double smartly upstairs, commend your soul to Providence in +a soldier-like manner, and toboggan smartly down." + +(Have I mentioned that Seymour is an Adjutant?) + +"That's right, Captain Seymour," said Sister from above. "Bring him +up under escort if necessary." + +After the patients came Miss Ropes, and after her the domestic staff, +beginning with the less valuable members and working up gradually to +Dutton and Cook. It was possible to trace the progress of the younger +and slighter maids by a swiftly-descending squeal, while that of the +more portly was visible as a leisurely protuberance. At last Cook +was the only one left--Dutton was not feeling quite up to performing +the journey. She was a new cook, and very precious. She had all the +generous proportions of her profession, and with them went a placid +temper and a great sense of personal dignity. + +"Oh, Cook," said Miss Ropes, "_you_ needn't go down, you know, unless +you want to." + +There are times when official regulations must be sacrificed to +diplomacy. But Cook was in high good humour, and quite determined on +doughty deeds. Miss Ropes said no more. + +The task of getting a wide cook into a narrow canvas tube proved quite +unexpectedly difficult; and, when it was accomplished, so far from +sticking out her elbows as brakes, she had to press them close to her +sides in order to move at all. With the aid of a friendly pressure +applied to the top of her head by Sister she got slowly under way. The +chute bulged portentously. The bulge travelled a few feet; then it +stuck and became violently agitated. Sister clutched at the top of the +chute, while Dutton hung manfully on to the other end. + +"Don't struggle," said Sister in a stern professional voice. "Keep +your arms still, and you'll come down all right." A muffled screaming +and a dangerously increased agitation of the chute was the only reply. +Cook had quite lost her head and was having violent hysterics. Three +or four of us raced upstairs to aid Sister in keeping the top end +of the apparatus from jerking free, while several more went to the +assistance of the flustered Dutton. + +Cook ceased to struggle for a moment, but only through exhaustion; +for when Sister seized the opportunity to repeat her advice a fresh +paroxysm came on, and everybody "stood to" at their posts again. Miss +Ropes conceived the idea of attaching a cord to Cook's armpits and +hauling her up again by main force. She dashed into the house, and +found a demoralised kitchen-maid calling incoherently for help down +the telephone. + +Meanwhile Cook had had her worst spasm. We hung grimly on to the +chute, dismally confident that something would have to give way soon. +Suddenly there was a rending sound; the seam of the canvas ripped open +and a gaping slit appeared, through which Cook's freed arm flapped +wildly. Then the arm disappeared as the body to which it was attached +gathered momentum; and when Miss Ropes appeared with a length of cord +she was just in time to see her retainer return to the world--alive, +but practically inside out. + +As soon as Cook recovered her breath it was apparent that her temper +was no longer placid. Forgetting entirely that it was by her own +choice that she had made the trip, she gave us all to understand +that she believed the whole incident to have been specially arranged +for her humiliation. She gave notice on the spot, and staggered +indignantly to the house to pack her box, leaving her employer once +again face to face with the Servant Problem. + + * * * * * + +THE ARTISETTE. + + (_An Engineering School for Women + has been started in Scotland._) + + What if my lady should appear + In a mechanic's grimy gear? + I shall not squeamishly decline + To figure at her shrine. + + If Vulcan's smoky sway precludes + An assignation in the woods, + I shall not linger less elate + Outside the foundry gate. + + When she knocks off at eventide + I'll flutter fondly to her side, + And demonstrate that grease and oil + Can't loosen love's sweet coil. + + Most tenderly my tongue shall wag + To Amaryllis on the slag, + Whilst I endeavour to confine + Her horny hand in mine. + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL. + + "Pat. Don't be disappointed. Nothing amis. Iris."--_Calcutta + Statesman_. + +Only a letter gone astray. + + * * * * * + + "Apartments (furnished and unfurnished) to be let, outside + air radius."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +A little suffocating, perhaps. + + * * * * * + + "If a million quarter acres in the country were left uncultivated, + the result would be that a quarter of a million acres would be + left uncultivated."--_Scotch Paper_. + +Examined and found correct. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a speech by Lord SELBORNE:-- + + "In that ouse Capital was very fully represented--he thought + over-represented."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +The printer seems to have thought so too, when he cut the capital out. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HIGHWAYMAN. + +"TAXI! TAXI!" + +"WHAT ABAHT IT?" + +"I WANT TO GO TO HAMPSTEAD." + +"DO YER?" + +"I'LL DOUBLE YOUR LEGAL FARE." + +"DOUBLE THAT AGIN AN' I'LL TAKE YER--'ALF-WAY." + +"AN', MIND YER, I WOULDN'T 'AVE BROUGHT YER AS FAR AS THIS ONLY I +'APPENED TO 'AVE BIN COMIN' ANY'OW. I LIVE UP 'ERE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_returning to France in heavy sea_). +"I--HOPE--TO--HEAVENS--THE NEXT--WAR THEY HAVE--WILL--BE--IN +ENGLAND."] + + * * * * * + +NIGHTMARES. + +I. + + OF A FORM MASTER WHO DREAMS THAT HE HAS CALLED ON THE WAR + CORRESPONDENT OF "THE DAILY MAIL" FOR A LITERAL TRANSLATION + OF THE CÆSAR'S _DE BELLO GALLICO_. + +"_Omnis Gallia in tres partes divisa est._" Is it fanciful to say of +the three parts into which all Gaul is divided that by their colours +may they be known, the blue, the brown and the ghastly, ghoulish, +intolerable, bestial, but, thank God, passing, grey? Yes, thank God, +the blight of greyness cannot last long; even now the scabrous plague +is being burnt up and swept back and overwhelmed by the resistless +flood, eager yet cautious, persistent yet fiery, of the blue and the +brown. Hideous, pitiable, soul-searing are the scars that it leaves in +its mephitic wake, but the cleansing tide of the brown and the blue +sweeps on, and the healing wand of time waves over them, and soon the +shell-holes and the waste places and the abominations of desolation +are covered with little flowers--or would be if it were Spring. + +The Spring! No one knows what depth of meaning lies in that little +word for our brave fellows, what intensity of hopes and fears and +well-nigh intolerable yearnings it awakens beneath the cheery +insouciance of their exteriors; no one, that is, except me. They tell +me about it as they pass back, privates and generals, war-hardened +veterans and boys of nineteen with the youth in their eyes not yet +drowned by the ever-increasing encroachments of the war-devil; all +are alike in their cheerful determination to see this grim and bloody +business of fighting to an honourable end, and alike, too, in that +their souls turn frankly, as might children's, for refreshment and +relief to the kindly breast and simple beauties of Mother Nature. + +The key-note of their attitude is given in the sentence, spoken +dreamily and as if in forgetfulness of my presence, by a Corporal of +the R.G.A. as I cleaned his boots--it was an honour. "The blue--the +blue--the blue--and the white!" + +He was gazing skywards. I could see nothing but grey clouds, but I +knew that his young eyes were keener than mine, that he had learnt to +look into the inmost heart of things in that baptism of fire, that +travail of freedom, where desolation blossoms and hell sprouts like a +weed. Through the grey he could discern the triumph of the blue and +the white of peace, when the work of the brown shall be done. It was +an allegory. More he told me, too, in his simple country speech, so +good to hear in a foreign land: of the daisies in the yard at home, +of the dandelions on the lawn, of his pet pig: things too sacred to +repeat here. And he told me that the great event on the Front now is +the Autumn glory of the trees. Then he departed, and as he went he +broke into deep-throated, Homeric laughter, and I--I understood: he +was mocking Death. Even thus does laughter yap at the heels of that +dishonoured king out here. + + * * * * * + +TO THE BOOD. + +A SODDET. + + [Our poet has caught a severe cold through + having spent the night in the cellar.] + + BOOD, whose autubdal spleddour, as of dood, + Shides od frob set of sud to dawdigg bord, + Gradt be this bood, o bood, to calb by bood + With agodisigg apprehedsiod tord, + + Illube dot with thy beabs the biddight burk, + Whed through the gloob the Huddish biscreadts + Cobe sdeakigg, bedt od their idhubad work + Of bobbigg slubberigg dod-cobbatadts. + + Or if thy labbedt gleabs thou bayst dot blidd, + Thed bay they aid our airbed add our guds; + Its bark bay every barkigg bissile fidd, + Bay dought be dode abiss, dor dode be duds. + + So bayst thou baffle burderous WILLIAB'S plad, + Add all attebts of that bad badbad bad. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVILEGED DISLOYALTY. + +FIRST TRAITOR. "HOW ARE WE TO PUSH OUR PROPAGANDA PAST THE CENSOR?" + +SECOND TRAITOR. "NOTHING EASIER. GET THE RIGHT KIND OF QUESTIONS ASKED +IN PARLIAMENT; THERE'S NOBODY TO STOP _THEM_ FROM BEING PUBLISHED."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 5th._--By way of celebrating Guy Fawkes Day the +Government announced their intention of compensating, up to a limit of +five hundred pounds, any householder whose property has been damaged +in air-raids. How soon he will cage his "monkey" will depend upon the +Treasury, which is morbidly anxious lest in its transactions _bis dat +qui cito dat_ should be literally illustrated. + +[Illustration: "Forgetting the claims of Glasgow." MR. WATT.] + +The official price of potatoes is still unsettled. According to his +own statement the FOOD CONTROLLER is only waiting for the decision of +the War Cabinet. "On the contrary," said Mr. LAW, "the Cabinet is only +waiting for Lord RHONDDA." It seems to be another case of the Earl of +CHATHAM and Sir RICHAUD STRACHAN; and in the meantime the potatoes are +rotting. + +Provided that no scarcity of gas for other purposes is caused +the Government see no objection to its use for the propulsion of +motor-cars. On receiving this information Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING at +once ordered a Zeppelin attachment to his famous torpedo-shaped car. +No other gas-consumer will suffer, as he is prepared to keep the +apparatus inflated from his own retorts. + +By the scheme of the Boundary Commissioners, the roll of the Commons, +already a hundred per cent. too big for its accommodation, is to be +increased by some thirty Members. Various suggestions for enabling the +new-comers to assist at debates have been proposed. "Dug-outs" under +the existing benches, whence they could poke out their heads between +the legs of other Members, and "painters' cradles" depending from the +ceiling, or the galleries, are among the most popular. + +In the circumstances it is not surprising that the HOME SECRETARY +strenuously resisted the proposal of the London representatives to +give another couple of Members to "the hub of the universe," as Mr. +WATT, momentarily forgetting the claims of Glasgow, handsomely called +it. Among a number of minor concessions, Mr. THEODORE TAYLOR'S plea +that Batley should be associated with Morley "because they have had +many a tussle at cricket" could not be resisted. + +_Tuesday, November 6th._--A statement that the great War Savings +meeting at the Albert Hall cost £3,500, chiefly for the expenses of +delegates, shocked the thrifty conscience of Mr. HOGGE, who hoped Mr. +BALDWIN would discourage the PRIME MINISTER'S meetings if they were so +expensive. Mr. BALDWIN did not condescend to answer him or he might +have observed that the delegates in question were voluntary workers +who by their exertions had helped to raise over a hundred millions for +the prosecution of the War. + +Mr. TILLETT, the newly-elected Member for North Salford, took his +seat, and there was general cheering as, under the safe-conduct of two +amply-proportioned friends, Little Ben was introduced to Big Ben. + +[Illustration: THE NEW RECRUIT. SIR JOHN SIMON.] + +When Mr. BALFOUR informed Mr. JOWETT at Question-time that the only +commitments of Great Britain to France are contained in the Treaty of +Alliance of September 5th, 1914, which has been duly published, he +knocked the foundation from under the subsequent peace-debate. But +that did not prevent Mr. LEES SMITH from making a long speech, on the +assumption that by promising to help France to recover her ravished +provinces we had improperly extended the objects of the war. Mr. +MCCURDY, who shares with Mr. LEES SMITH the representation of +Northampton, plainly hinted that if his colleague cared to visit his +constituents they would be delighted to present him with a specimen of +the local manufacture. + +The speeches of Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. ASQUITH, though well worth +hearing, were hardly needed to complete the rout of the Pacifists; +and, in the division on the Closure, the men who are prepared (in Mr. +FABER'S pungent phrase) "to take the bloody hand of Germany" made a +very poor muster. + +_Wednesday, November 7th._--I am inclined to echo Lord SALISBURY'S +regret that Labour has no direct representative in the Upper House. +The proletarian peer, if there were one, would have been both +surprised and delighted to hear how the non-proletarians, without +exception, spoke of his class. + +My imaginary peer would have been especially edified by the speech of +Lord MILNER, whom a small but noisy section of the Press persists in +describing as more Prussian than the Prussians. Not under-estimating +the difficulties in the way of a frank and full understanding between +Capital and Labour, he nevertheless believed that they would be +overcome, because he had an abiding faith in the mass of his +fellow-countrymen. Not quite what one expects of a British Junker, is +it? + +_Thursday, November 8th._--When tonnage is so scarce it seems odd that +room can still be found for consignments of wild animals. Mr. PETO +drew attention to a coming cargo, including two hundred avadavats, the +little birds about which _Joseph Surface_ was so contemptuous, and six +hundred monkeys--"sufficient," as he pleasantly observed, "to fill +this House." + +For once Mr. BILLING expressed a widely-held opinion when he +questioned the propriety, in present circumstances, of holding the +LORD MAYOR'S Banquet. Mr. BONAR LAW'S solemn assurance that he only +accepted the invitation on the distinct understanding that the feast +would fall completely within the FOOD CONTROLLER'S regulations, was +not altogether convincing. Members were anxious to know the exact +dimensions that Lord RHONDDA has laid down for the turtle-ration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Onlooker_ (_at a Company exhibition, to the better +man_). "HERE, LAAD, NOT SO MOOCH OF IT. WE'M SHORT O' SOJERS IN OUR +COOMPANY, DOAN'T THEE FORGET!"] + + * * * * * + +GILBERT. + +We are all very fond of Gilbert. There are, however, one or two things +about him which even his best friends will admit make it hard for us +at times to remember how much we really love him. Sometimes he seems +almost too good to be true. Yet I have known wet horrible days in the +trenches when the sight of him coming smiling down the line, exuding +efficiency and enthusiasm at every pore, has made his fellow-officers +positively dislike him. + +For, alas, he is one of those dear overzealous fellows whom in moments +of depression we stigmatise as "hearty." He has even been known to +be hearty at breakfast; to come trampling into the dug-out with that +blinking old smile on his face, expressing immense satisfaction with +life in general at the top of a peculiarly robust voice; to tread on +his captain's toes and slap his next-door neighbour heartily on the +back, and then to explain to a swearing and choking audience how +splendidly he has slept, and what a topping day it is going to be. + +Never has Gilbert been known to spend a bad night; he is one of those +fortunate animals who can go to sleep standing and at five minutes' +notice, and start snoring at once. If you try to sleep anywhere near +him, you dream of finding yourself in Covent Garden station, trying to +board endless trains which roar through without stopping--that's the +kind of snore it is. + +And now it is time I told my story. + +It happened many years ago, when the War was young and the Bosch +comparatively aggressive; when our big guns fired once every other +Sunday and we lived precarious lives in holes in the ground. Our +Brigadier, a conscientious soldier of the old school, was dodging +round our line of trenches, and had just reached the sector allotted +to my company, which was also Gilbert's, when the distant buzz that +generally means an aeroplane overhead made itself distinctly heard. + +"Can you spot him?" said the General to his Brigade-major; "one of +theirs, I suppose?" + +Now it is as much as a Brigade-Major's job is worth to confess +ignorance at such a crisis. So, after sweeping the skies fruitlessly +with his glasses and listening intelligently to the steady drone, he +said, "Yes!" with as much conviction as possible. + +"Heads down," said the General sharply, "and don't move. Pass it +down." And by way of example he sat heavily on my periscope and stayed +gazing at the ground like a fakir lost in meditation. + +Meanwhile the message was passed along, and the trench became silent +as the grave. I was informed a few days later that it reached the +outer battalion of the next brigade later on in the morning, and was +popularly supposed to have reached Switzerland the same evening. + +For about five minutes the droning continued ("Having a good look at +us," said the Brigade-major in a sepulchral whisper) and then suddenly +ceased with what I can only describe as an appalling snort. Almost +simultaneously a tousled head was thrust out of a dug-out almost +into the great man's face, and Gilbert's cheerful roar was heard by +a scandalised company. + +"Had a topping sleep. What's the time, someone?" + + * * * * * + + "Best milch cows have been sold recently for £60 in the Isle + of Wight. At a meeting of the Cowes Council it was stated + that at Chichester cows had sold for £73 each."--_Times_. + +And now that the Isle of Wight milkers have held their indignation +meeting it is expected that the anomaly will be removed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE UP!] + + * * * * * + +PETER, THE TEMPTER. + +Necessity does not make stranger bedfellows than some of the changes +brought about by War. Who, for example--and certainly not such a born +sun-worshipper as I--would ever have dreamt that a time would come +when we in London and the Eastern counties would desire rain and wind +with a passionate keenness once reserved solely for fine weather? Yet +so it is. By reason of that foolish invention of flying we now, when +we go to the window in the morning and lift the blind, are dashed and +darkly thoughtful if no sky of grey scudding misery meets our gaze. +"Please Heaven it pours!" we say. Just think of it--"Please Heaven it +pours!" What a treachery! It may even come that we include prayers for +storms in the Liturgy. + +In default of bad weather we may have to Take Cover; and it is when +we Take Cover that discoveries begin and long-postponed adventures +fructify. For years and years, for example, I had looked down that +steep hill by the Tivoli site in the Strand into the yawning cavern +that opens there, and wondered about it. I had thought one day to +explore it, but had never done so, any more than I have yet proceeded +further towards a visit to the Roman Bath, also off the Strand, than +to threaten it. + +But I shall get to the Bath yet, because already, thanks to the +intervention of the Hun, I have become intimately acquainted with +Lower Robert Street, and the next step is simple. + +In the ordinary way, short of desperate impulse and decision--unless +by some happy chance I had relinquished the burden of this pen and +taken happy service with one of the wine merchants who store their +treasure there--I should never have entered Lower Robert Street at +all, for it goes nowhere and runs under the earth, and it is damp +and mouldy, and the only doors, leading to this vault and that, +are locked. But for all these disabilities Lower Robert Street is, +in Gotha and Zeppelin times, a very present help and refuge. There +assemble, with more or less fortitude and philosophy, the denizens +of the Adelphi, thankful indeed that the brothers Adam established +their streets and terrace on so useful a foundation; and there twice +recently have I joined them. And an odd assembly we have made, ranging +as we do from successful dramatists to needy journalists, with an +actress or so to keep us manly. + +There for long hours have we waited until the "All clear" has +sounded--or, at any rate, some have done so. As for myself, on the +last occasion, taking advantage of a lull in the uproar, I crept away +to bed, and, after falling into the sleep of exhaustion, had the +ironical experience of being rudely awakened by the reassuring bugles +and my night again ruined. + +Having taken cover only in Lower Robert Street, which is open to +all, I cannot with any personal knowledge speak of the camaraderie +of private basements; but I suppose that that exists and is another +of the War's byproducts. I take it that, in the event of a sudden +alarm, no householder with a cellar would be so inhuman as to +refuse admittance to a stranger, and already probably a myriad +new friendships and not a few engagements have resulted. Our own +camaraderie is admirable. The federation of the barrage breaks down +every obstacle; while a piece of shrapnel that one can display is more +valuable than any letter of introduction, no matter who wrote it. +Hence we all talk; and sometimes we sing too--choruses of the moment, +for the most part, in one of which the depth of our affection for our +maternal relative is measured and regulated by the floridity of the +roses growing on her porch. + +And yet, when at last friendliness is upon the town, there are +people--and not only alien Hebrews either--who have been hurrying away +from London! When London has become more interesting than ever before +in its history there are people who leave it! + +Personally I mean to cling to the old city as long as it will cling to +me; but even now across one's aching sight comes a "dream of pastime +premature" which shakes such resolves a little. Peter, for example, +has been having a disturbing effect on me. Only now and then, of +course--when I am not quite myself; when the two and thirty (what +remains of them) are not so firmly gritted as they should be; when +even London seems unworthy of devotion. + +But these moods pass. You will admit, though, that Peter has his lure. +I read about him in the _Tavistock Gazette_, one of the few papers, +I fancy, which does not belong to Lord NORTHCLIFFE; and this is +how the lyric (it is really a lyric, although it masquerades as an +advertisement) runs, not only in the paper but in my head: "To be +let, by Tender" (this is not an oath but some odd legal or commercial +term) "as and from Lady Day all that nice little PASTURE FARM known as +HIGHER CHURCH FARM, situate in the village of Peter Tavy." Now what +could be more unlike London under the German invasion and all that +nasty little tunnel known as Lower Robert Street, than Peter Tavy? + +But I must not be tempted. I must stick it out here. + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP À LA MODE. + +The mystification practised by authors who have passed off as their +own work the compositions of others is familiar to all literary +students. SHAKSPEARE'S assumption of borrowed plumes is of course +the classic example. But another and more subtle problem is the +interchange of functions between two men of letters; and the theory +recently advanced by the distinguished critic and occultist, Mr. +Pullar Leggatt, deserves at least a respectful hearing. + + * * * * * + +Briefly stated, it is that during his hermit existence at Putney +the late Mr. SWINBURNE effected an interchange of this sort with Sir +W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; the Editor of _The British Weekly_ devoting +himself to the composition of poems, while the poet assumed editorial +control of the famous newspaper. If the theory thus crudely stated +sounds somewhat fantastic the arguments on which it is based are +extraordinarily plausible if not convincing. + + * * * * * + +To begin with, experts in anagrams will not fail to notice that the +names ALGERNON SWINBURNE and W. ROBERTSON NICOLL contain practically +the same number of letters--absolutely the same if SWINBURNE is spelt +without an "e"--and that the forenames of both end in "-on," as does +also the concluding syllable of WATTS-DUNTON. The fact that the Editor +of _The British Weekly_ has never published any poems over his own +name only tends to confirm the theory, as the argument conclusively +establishes. + + * * * * * + +For it is impossible to believe that so versatile a polymath should +not at some time or other have courted the Muse, and if so, under what +name could he have had a stronger motive for publishing his poems than +that of SWINBURNE? So austere a theologian would naturally shrink from +revealing his excursions into the realms of poesy, and under this +disguise he was safe from detection. Lastly, while Sir W. ROBERTSON +NICOLL has always championed the Kailyard School, SWINBURNE lived +at The Pines. The connection is obvious; as thus: Kail, sea-kale, +sea-coal, coke, coker-nut, walnut, dessert, pine-apple, pine. + + * * * * * + +As regards SWINBURNE'S conduct of _The British Weekly_, it is enough +to point to such alliterative and melodious combinations as "Rambling +Remarks" and "Claudius Clear." The theological attitude of the paper +presents difficulties which are not so easy to overcome, but Mr. +Pullar Leggatt has promised to deal with this question later on. +Meanwhile the diplomatic silence maintained by Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL +and Mr. EDMUND GOSSE must not be interpreted as conveying either a +complete acceptance or a total rejection of this remarkable theory. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wounded Tommy_. "WILL YOU PLAY MENDELSSOHN'S 'SPRING +SONG,' PLEASE?" + +_Distinguished Pianist_ (_with a soul above Mendelssohn_). "I'M AFRAID +I CAN'T." + +_Tommy_. "IT IS A BIT OF A TEASER, AIN'T IT? TIES MY SISTER UP IN A +KNOT WHENEVER SHE TACKLES IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CRUMMLES. + +HERTLING "is not Prussian." + + * * * * * + +MY PYJAMAS. + +A STUDY IN THE FASTIDIOUS. + +I hope this is not going to be embarrassing. If so, it is not my +fault. This is history, please remember, not fiction. I wanted--I am +obliged to say it--pyjamas for winter wear. I know all about pyjamas +for summer wear; what I wanted was pyjamas for winter wear, and I +decided that Agnes should make them. For years I have been trying to +get proper pyjamas--by which I mean pyjamas properly made--but the +haberdasher always smiles depreciation and tells me that the goods he +offers me are what are always worn. Quite so; but what I say is that +out of bed and for the purpose of having your photograph taken Trade +pyjamas are all right; but that in bed they commit untold offences. I +enter my bed clothed; I settle down in it half-naked. The jacket has +run up to my arm-pits; my legs are bare to the knee; my arms to the +elbows; the loosely buttoned front is ruckled up into a funnel, down +which, whenever I move, the bedclothes like a bellows draw a chill +blast of air on to that particular part of my chest which is designed +for catching colds. When I turn over in my dreams I wake to find +myself tied as with ropes. Slumber's chains have indeed bound me. I am +a man in the clothing of a nightmare. The cold, cold sheets catch me +in the most ticklesome delicacies of my back and make me jump again. +Enough. + +"Well," said Agnes, "if I am going to make your pyjamas you must tell +me exactly what you want." + +"My pyjamas," I said, "shall be buttoned round the ankle and capacious +below the waist--there I ask a Turkish touch. The jacket shall be +buttoned at the wrists and baggy at the shoulder; at the chest it +shall strap me across like an R.F.C. tunic, and it shall be securely +clipped to the trousers." + +"Why not have it all in one?" + +"What!" I cried, "and parade hotel passages in search of the bath +looking like a clown out of a circus? No, thank you." + +"You must make me a pattern then," said Agnes, "or I shan't know what +to do." + +I can't make patterns, but I can, and I did, make plans of ground and +first-floor levels, a section and back and front elevations, all to a +scale of one inch to the foot exactly. I also made a full-size detail +of a toggle-and-cinch gear linking the upper storey to the lower. + +"I think," Agnes said, "you had better come to the shop and choose the +material." + +I thought so too. I wanted something gaudy that would make me feel +cheerful when I woke in the morning; but I also had another idea in +my mind. _Mangle-proof buttons_! Have the things been invented yet? + +The archbishop who attended to us deprecated the idea of india-rubber +buttons. + +"What kind are you now using?" he asked solicitously. + +"At present, on No. 2," I said, "I am using splinters of +mother-of-pearl. Last week, with No. 1, I used a steel ring hanging +by its rim to a shred of linen, two safeties, and a hairpin found on +the floor." + +I chose a flannel with broad green and violet stripes, and very large +buttons of vitrified brick which I hoped might break the mangle. These +buttons were emerald in colour and gave me a new idea. _Trimmings_. + +"I want to look right if the house catches fire," I told Agnes. "Green +sateen collar to match the buttons--" + +"And for the wristbands," said Agnes, catching my enthusiasm. + +"And for the wristbands," I agreed; "but," I added, "not at the +ankles. That would make the other people in the street expect me to +dance to them, and I don't know how to." + +And now the good work is complete. Toggle and cinch perform their +proud functions, and I sleep undisturbed by Arctic nightmares, for I +have substituted green ties for the stoneware buttons which reduced +my vitality by absorbing heat. My only trouble is my increasing +reluctance to rise in the morning. I don't like changing out of my +beautiful things so early in the day. I am beginning to want breakfast +in bed. + + * * * * * + +AT THE DUMP. + +(_LINES TO THE N.C.O. IN CHARGE._) + + Now is the hour of dusk and mist and midges, + Now the tired planes drone homeward through the haze, + And distant wood-fires wink behind the ridges, + And the first flare some timorous Hun betrays; + Now no shell circulates, but all men brood + Over their evening food; + The bats flit warily and owl and rat + With muffled cries their shadowy loves pursue, + And pleasant, Corporal, it is to chat + In this hushed moment with a man like you. + + How strange a spectacle of human passions + Is yours all day beside the Arras road, + What mournful men concerned about their rations + When here at eve the limbers leave their load, + What twilight blasphemy, what horses' feet + Entangled with the meat, + What sudden hush when that machine-gun sweeps, + And--flat as possible for men so round-- + The Quartermasters may be seen in heaps, + While you sit still and chuckle, I'll be bound! + + Here all men halt awhile and tell their rumours; + Here the young runners come to cull your tales, + How Generals talked with you, in splendid humours, + And how the Worcestershires have gone to Wales; + Up yonder trench each lineward regiment swings, + Saying some shocking things; + And here at dark sad diggers stand in hordes + Waiting the late elusive Engineer, + While glowing pipes illume yon notice-boards, + That say, "No LIGHTS. YOU MUST NOT LOITER HERE." + + And you sit ruminant and take no action, + But daylong watch the aeroplanes at play, + Or contemplate with secret satisfaction + Your fellow-men proceeding towards the fray; + Your sole solicitude when men report + There is a shovel short, + Or, numbering jealously your rusty store, + Some mouldering rocket, some wet bomb you miss + That was reserved for some ensuing war, + But on no grounds to be employed in this. + + For Colonels flatter you, most firm of warders, + For sandbags suppliant, and do no good, + And high Staff officers and priests in orders + In vain beleaguer you for bits of wood, + While I, who have nor signature nor chit, + But badly want a bit, + I only talk to you of these high themes, + Nor stoop to join the sycophantic choir, + Seeing (I trust) my wicked batman, Jeames, + Has meanwhile pinched enough to light my fire. + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_looking out of train on to darkened +platform_). "PORTER, IS THIS EDGWARE ROAD? I CAN'T SEE A THING." + +_Porter_ (_with Irish blood in her_). "NOT YET, M'M. EDGWARE ROAD'S +THE STATION BEFORE YOU GETS TO BAKER STHEET."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +"In a few days," says the puff preliminary of _The Coming_ (CHATTO +AND WINDUS), "you and all your friends will be reading and discussing +this most strange and prophetic novel." Perhaps. But what we shall +be saying about it depends largely, I suppose, upon our definition +of the term prophetic; also a little upon our feeling with regard to +good taste and the permissible in fiction. My own contribution will +be a sincere regret that a writer as gifted as Mr. J.C. SNAITH should +have attempted the obviously impossible. His theme, symbolised by a +wrapper-design of three figures silhouetted against a golden sunrise, +is a second advent of the Messiah, embodied in the person of a village +carpenter named (with palpable significance) _John Smith_, whom local +prejudice sends, not inexcusably, to a madhouse, where he dies, after +converting the inmates and instituting a campaign of universal peace. +Frankly, the chief interest of such a wildly fantastic idea lies in +watching just how far Mr. SNAITH can carry it without too flagrant +offence. That his treatment is both sincere and careful hardly lessens +my feeling that the whole attempt is one to be deplored. Humour of the +intentional kind has, of course, no place in the author's scheme. How +remote is its banishment you may judge when I tell you that the Divine +message is represented as given to mankind in the form of a wonderful +play, which instantly achieves world-wide fame, being performed by no +fewer than fifty companies in America alone. The problem (to name but +one) of the resulting struggle between plenary inspiration and the +conditions of a fit-up tour is only another proof of my contention +that there are more things in heaven and earth than can be treated +in realistic fiction, and that Mr. SNAITH'S good intentions have +unfortunately betrayed him into selecting the least possible. + + * * * * * + +If _Humphrey Thorncot_ and his sister _Edith_ had not bored one +another and grown touchy--I judge by their reported conversations--in +a house with green shutters in Chelsea, they would never have gone +to St. Elizabeth, which is a Swiss resort, and would never have met +the East-Prussian family of the _von Ludwigs_ in the year before the +War. And _Humphrey_ would never have fallen (temporarily) in love +with _Hulda von Ludwig_, nor would _Karl von Ludwig_ have fallen +(permanently) in love with _Edith Thorncot_. The troubles and miseries +of this latter couple are related by Mr. HUGH SPENDER in _The Gulf_ +(COLLINS). Papa _von Ludwig_ objects so violently to all this +love-making that he eventually succumbs to a regular East-Prussian +stroke of apoplexy which all but leads to a charge of parricide +against _Karl_ by his base brother, _Wilhelm_. _Karl_ is really too +good for this world. He objects to atrocities and refuses at the risk +of his own life to shoot innocent Belgian villagers. Being imprisoned, +he escapes by means of a secret sliding panel and an underground +passage which leads him, not immediately, but after many vicissitudes, +to America. There he is joined by his faithful _Edith_, who defies the +Gulf caused by the War, and marries him. Mr. SPENDER appears to have +been in some doubt as to whether he should write the story of two +souls or the history of the first few weeks of the War. Eventually +he elects to do both, and his novel consequently suffers somewhat in +grip. He certainly paints a very vivid picture of events in the first +period of active operations. May I hint a doubt, by the way, whether +in 1913 a French Professor would have mentioned HINDENBURG as one of +Germany's most important men? Whatever he may have been in Germany, +HINDENBURG was for the outside world a later discovery. + + * * * * * + +_Further Memories_ (HUTCHINSON) is justly called by its publishers +a "fascinating volume." The designation will not surprise those who +enjoyed the late Lord REDESDALE'S former book of recollections. The +present collection is a little haphazard (but none the worse for +that), its chapters ranging over such diverse subjects as Gardens +and Trees, QUEEN VICTORIA, BUDDHA, and the Commune. Certainly not +the least interesting is that devoted to the story of the Wallace +Collection, of which Lord REDESDALE was one of the trustees. His +account of the origin and devolution of the famous treasures will +invest them with a new interest in the happy days when they shall +again be visible. Mr. EDMUND GOSSE contributes a foreword to the +present volume, in which he draws a pathetic picture of the author, +still unconquerably young, despite his years, facing the future with +only one fear, that of the unemployment to which his increasing +deafness, and the break-up of the world as it was before the War, +seemed to be condemning him. _Further Memories_ was, we are told, +undertaken as some sort of a safeguard against this menace of +stagnation. It was a measure for which we may all be glad, as we can +share Mr. GOSSE'S thanksgiving that the writer's death, coming when +it did, saved him, as he had wished, "from all consciousness of +decrepitude." + + * * * * * + +When an unstable young wife, getting tired of a pedantic husband in +the way so familiar to students of novels, goes off with a companion +more to her taste, anyone can foresee trouble, or what would there be +to write about? When, further, her detestable lover, seeking change +and fearing the financial lash of his properly indignant parent, +terminates the arrangement, even an observer of real life can +guess that her return to her rightful lord and master must entail +disagreeables; but only a reader well brazened in modern fiction could +expect Don Juan promptly to make love to and marry the husband's +sister without a word of apology to anyone. This kind of rather +unsavoury dabbling in problems best left to themselves generally +concludes with the decease of most of the characters and a sort +of clearing up, and to this rule, after many years and pages of +discomfort, MARY E. MANN'S new story, _The Victim_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), is no exception. Not a very attractive programme, but all +the same the volume has one or two redeeming features. For one thing, +the sister is clearly and attractively drawn, and so is the picture on +the wrapper, though it represents no particular incident to be traced +in the pages of the volume which it adorns. Writing more strongly than +is perhaps her wont, Mrs. MANN has taken some trouble to emphasise the +fact that in these cases of uncontrolled passion the major penalty +of guilt is borne not by the offenders themselves but by the first +generation succeeding. This does need saying occasionally, I suppose, +and to that extent _The Victim_ redeems itself from the charge of +trivial unpleasantness. + + * * * * * + +Mr. J. RATH has really discovered a new type of heroine, new at least +this side the Atlantic. His farm-bred _Sadie_, a Buffalo shirt-packer, +classifies men by the sizes of their shirts, has no use for any +swain with a chest measurement under forty, and eventually in a most +original way finds her hero in _Mister 44_ (METHUEN), an enormous +Canadian engineer and sportsman. She is no chicken herself and has +a passion to be free of the city and out in the great open. _Sadie_ +is more than big; she is beautiful, burnished-copper-haired, sincere +and kind, and, though I think the author "gets this over" quite well +I liked her best before she found her man and her _Robinson Crusoe_ +adventures among the islands of Ontario, and was giving back chat to +the little foreman in the factory. Here she is a pure delight; and +in these days, when a knowledge of the American language may come in +handy at any moment, this amiable romance may well be recommended as +an attractive manual of first-aid in the matter. + + * * * * * + +Without professing to be a student of Mrs. DIVER'S books I know enough +about them to be worried by the commonplaceness of _Unconquered_ +(MURRAY). Like so many other authors she has succumbed to the lure +of the War-novel. There may be a public for tales of this kind, but +I have not yet read one that approaches artistic success. Here we +are spared nothing. _Sir Mark Forsyth_ goes to France in the early +days, is first of all reported "missing, believed killed," and then +officially reported "killed." Of course he turns up again, but such +a physical wreck that the minx whom he was to have married breaks +off the engagement. Naturally the sweet girl, friend of _Mark's_ +childhood, undertakes to fill the gap. The minx, _Bel Alison_, is so +scathingly drawn that from sheer perversity I found myself hunting +for one good point in her character; but without a find. On the other +hand, _Lady Forsyth_, _Mark's_ mother, and a quiet, capable man called +_Macnair_, are admirably put before us. Yet at best there remains +the conviction that the War is terribly real that these attempts to +romance about it are almost bound to be as superficial as they are +superfluous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DURING THE RAID. _Disappointed Player_. "HARD LINES! I +HAD AN EASY FIVE SHOT THAT WOULD HAVE RUN ME OUT."] + + * * * * * + + "Lost, between Ryde Pier and Southsea, Black Satin Bag, containing + keys and eyeglasses. Reward given."--_Portsmouth Paper_. + +A chance for the local mine-sweepers. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11428 *** |