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diff --git a/11109-0.txt b/11109-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..83975e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/11109-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2016 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11109 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11109-h.htm or 11109-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/1/0/11109/11109-h/11109-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/1/0/11109/11109-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + +FEBRUARY 12, 1919. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"Officers," says a recent A.C.I., "may use their public chargers for +general purposes." Army circles regard this as a body blow at the +taxi-sharks. + + *** + +"I had a thrill the other night," writes a correspondent of _The Daily +Mail._ "I encountered a badger on Hampstead Heath." We hesitate to +think what he would have encountered if he had had two or three +thrills. + + *** + +The United States Immigration Bill now before Congress provides that +"an alien resident may be joined by his grandfather if over +fifty-five years of age." A proposal to extend the privilege to +great-grandfathers who have turned their sixtieth year appears to have +met with no success. + + *** + +"It is highly probable," says the chief medical officer of the Local +Government Board, "that masks and goggles will be necessary to ensure +freedom from infection from influenza." People who refuse to adopt +this simple preventative should be compelled by law to breathe +exclusively through their ears. + + *** + +The sensational report that the new Director-General of Housing has +already found a house turns out to be unfounded. It is no secret, +however, that the Department is on the track of several. + + *** + +"There is a Members' cloak-room," says a contemporary in "Hints +to M.P.'s," "where an attendant will take your coat and hat." So +different from those other political clubs where another member +usually takes them. + + *** + +SHAKSPEARE on Glasgow: "For this relief much tanks.". + + *** + +The salute, says a correspondent, is being reintroduced into the +German Army. Kicking an officer on the parade-ground for other than +political reasons is also forbidden. + + *** + +The Consumers' Council urge, _inter alia,_ "that the Food Ministry +ought to be retained so long as there is any need of food control." +This view is regarded as entirely too narrow by officials of the +Ministry, who feel that the public is just beginning to love them for +themselves alone. + + *** + +A sale of ninety specially-selected mules is announced to take place +at Tattersall's to-morrow. In the technical language of the live-stock +trade a "specially-selected" mule is one which has a clear reach of +six feet at either end. + + *** + +"The Government must say what it will do," states _The Daily Mail_. +Waiting for _The Daily Mail_ to say it first must not be allowed to +degenerate into a mere mechanical habit. + + *** + +For impersonating a voter a carpenter of Gloucester has just been +sentenced to a month's imprisonment. Where he succeeded in obtaining +the disguise from is not known. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHEN TAKING A NEW HOUSE ALWAYS EMPLOY A PROFESSIONAL +DRAUGHT DETECTOR.] + + * * * * * + +A LOVE TRAGEDY. + +He was a smart new clinical thermometer. She was a pretty nurse in +an influenza ward. His figurings were clear and his quicksilver +glittered. Her eyes were blue and a little curl peeped from under her +cap. He fell madly in love with her; and when her dainty fingers toyed +with him his little heart swelled to bursting and he registered all he +could. + +So when she took her morning temperatures her patients were +desperately high, and when the other nurse took them in the evening +they were three degrees lower; and the doctors were much perplexed. + +They put the love-struck thermometer in a tumbler of warm water with +two others to test him; and, freed from her influence, he recorded +correctly. Learned authorities on medical research meditated +pamphlets, on the new variation of the universal plague. + +Then came a morning when the pretty nurse, after too many cigarettes +the night before, took her own temperature. For the adoring +thermometer the supreme moment had arrived. In rapturous ecstasy at +the touch of her dear lips he rose to heights of exaltation that left +his other efforts far behind. "Drat the thing," exclaimed the pretty +nurse, putting him down nastily, "I've got it myself now," and went +off to bed. He, broken-hearted, rolled off the table and died. + + * * * * * + +LONG MEMORIES. + +"I remember," said a veteran of nineteen, "when there was a hansom at +the stand at the corner." + +"Oh, that's nothing," said a venerable spinster of twenty-one. "I've +been, to dances with a female chaperon where there was no smoking on +the stairs, and some people danced a thing they called a 'tango.'" + +"When I was working on the land," resumed the first speaker, "I had a +day off and went to lunch with people close by. The man who sat next +me was a judge and asked me what an 'old bean' meant." + +"Oh, cut it out!" interposed an aged matron who had not hitherto taken +any part in the conversation. "When I was born there was no _Daily +Mail,_ when I went to school I was taught to play the piano with my +fingers, and when I married people hadn't begun to 'jazz.'" + + * * * * * + +A NEW GAME OF BAWL. + + "An open howling handicap will be held at Talleres, F.C.S., next + Sunday." + + _Standard (Buenos Ayres)_. + + * * * * * + + "At a meeting of the newly-formed British and Allied Waiters', + Chefs' and Employees' Union the president said that one of + their main objects was to stop enemy aliens from spoiling their + business. They must do this themselves."--_Daily Paper_. + +And some of them, it must be admitted, have been making considerable +efforts in this direction. + + * * * * * + +EDENTULOUS PERSONS. + +It happened a long time ago. Higgins, Mackenzie and I, three +irresponsible subalterns, had been lent to the Government of India +for famine relief work. One Sunday we foregathered in the cool of the +evening at a dak bungalow, near the point where our three districts +met, to compare notes and to swap lies. + +"How are you getting on?" I asked Higgins. + +"I'm not getting on at all. I'm just stagnating. I do all my work and +draw my pay, and there's the end of it. I'm sure the regiment has +forgotten all about me, and in fact no one seems to be aware of my +existence." + +"Why not write to the Government of India about it?" remarked +Mackenzie. + +"Yes, I'm sure that's the best thing to do," I agreed. "The Collector +in my district is always writing to the Government of India, and the +Government prints all he writes and sends it round with remarks and +decisions. He will get all sorts of honours and rewards out of this +famine." + +"Yes. But what shall I write?" asked Higgins. "If I simply say there +is a chap called Higgins who is terribly bored and wants some notice +taken of him, they won't print that sort of tosh." + +"Not that particular kind of tosh, perhaps," agreed Mackenzie. "You've +got to write about your work and ask for a decision on some point or +other. Then they'll remember your existence; and if you write often +enough you will gradually crawl out of obscurity into the limelight. +Almost anything will do to start with." + +"Well, I found an old woman to-day in one of my camps who could not +eat her ration, because she had no teeth. Can you make anything out of +that?" asked Higgins. + +"We'll have a shot at it anyway," replied Mackenzie. He pulled a sheet +of note-paper and a pencil out of his pocket and wrote the following +draft:--"There are in the famine camps in my area some toothless old +people who cannot eat the ordinary ration. What shall I do about it?" + +"The gist of the letter is all right," I said, "but the style wants +polishing. Higgins's education will be gauged by our style. Cross out +'some toothless old people' and write 'certain edentulous persons.' +Put 'masticate' instead of 'eat.' Then you must not say, 'What shall I +do about it?' That sounds too helpless. You, or rather Higgins, must +appear as a man of unbounded initiative and resource. You must write, +'I suggest that a special ration of soft food be issued to such +persons.' That will help the Government of India to solve a very +difficult problem, and Higgins will earn its eternal gratitude." + +The amendments were passed unanimously. Higgins copied out the letter +in his best handwriting and sent it off through the long and winding +channels by which subalterns on famine duty communicate with the +heaven-born ones who sit on the far-off hills. + +We separated next day, and I forgot all about the matter until three +weeks later, when, going through my official mail, the name Patrick +Aloysius Higgins caught my eye. There was our letter printed in full, +and below it was the epoch-making decision of the Government: "A +special ration of soft food may be issued to edentulous persons in +famine camps." + +Higgins's success evidently provoked Mackenzie to emulate it. Some +time later I received another printed document. After the usual +official opening, with its reference numbers, etc., it ran as follows: +"There are in the famine camps in this area certain persons who, +though not edentulous, are yet unable to masticate the ordinary +ration. Though they have some teeth, the teeth are all in one jaw. +May such persons be considered as edentulous for the purposes of the +decision referred to above? Signed, JAMES DOUGLAS MACKENZIE." The +Government was again pleased to record its approval. + +The letter roused my jealousy. Higgins and Mackenzie, by the use of +my distinguished literary style, had both got well along the road to +fame, whilst I was still languishing in obscurity. Something must be +done about it. I took a pen and wrote: "There are in the famine camps +in this area certain persons who, though they are not edentulous and +though they have some teeth in both jaws, are yet unable to masticate +the ordinary ration because the teeth in the upper jaw correspond +with the gaps in the lower, and _vice versa_. May such persons +be considered as edentulous for the purposes of the two previous +decisions?" + +I sent the letter off to the Government of India. The reply came by +return of post:-- + +"The Government of India, in response to representations, has +authorised the issue of a special ration of soft food to edentulous +persons in famine camps. In the interpretation of the term +'edentulous' considerable latitude may be permitted, and is indeed +desirable, so that it may in practice be applied to many individuals +who, according to meticulous physiological standards, should not be +so classified. The determining factor in the application of the +term should be the inability of the individual concerned to extract +sufficient nutriment from the normal ration, owing to imperfect +mastication. Such persons will invariably exhibit symptoms of +mal-nutrition or cacotrophy. + +"The Government is confident that the foregoing general ruling will +enable junior and inexperienced officers, temporarily employed +on famine duty, to classify appropriately and with facility as +denticulate or edentulous all individuals afflicted with dental +hiatus, mal-conformation and labefaction, without further reference to +higher authority." + +As I read the letter with the help of a dictionary, it dawned upon me +that the Government of India had won the game beyond all doubt and +peradventure. + + * * * * * + +TO SAINT VALENTINE. + + Patron of hearts and darts and smarts + (Which, I suspect, you stole + From Cupid, when the Pagan arts-- + Which only edified in parts-- + Took on an aureole), + + And patron of the robins, who + Select your day to mate + (An act, from any point of view, + Considering what March can do, + Rash and precipitate), + + We seek no boon for any friend + (Or lover, if you like); + We only ask that you will send, + If saintly powers so far extend, + On day without its strike. + + * * * * * + +THE DRUG HABIT--ALARMING DEVELOPMENT. + + "The old-fashioned doctor is scandalised at the trade union + movement in the profession. In extreme cases he is said to be + taking his own medicines."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +Extract from _The London Customs Bill of Entry_, January 25th:-- + + "Import, s. @ Rotterdam, of Holland, 175 bdls baskets containing + 700 strikes." + +We always suspected they were of foreign origin; and here we have +"manifest" proof. + + * * * * * + +From a report of Col. F.B. MILDMAY'S speech:-- + + "Just as an accomplished horseman exercised ideal control over the + strongest horse with the lightest hand, so Mr. Lowther had shown + such tactful skill in handling them that those who had sat under + him had bus-consciously been disposed to accept his guidance." + + _Provincial Paper_. + +A praiseworthy effort of the printer to keep up the metaphor. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: THE VICTIM.] + + * * * * * + +THE PATRIOT PIG. + +Last Spring I was discussing food with our local doctor. Last Spring +it was quite a favourite topic. + +"Now," I said, "we can manage to scratch along somehow. But next +year..." + +The Doctor, a hearty man, gave me a smashing blow on the shoulder. "I +have it!" he trumpeted. "We'll start a Patriot Pig Club." + +Before he left I found myself an important pillar of the scheme. +Pillars, you know, are the parts of an edifice that bear the weight. +Their function is to be sat upon by the arches. In this case the +arches were Jones the doctor and Perkins the butcher. + +The Committee began sitting. I put five pounds into the preliminary +pool and promised them all my pig-swill. I know I did, because the +Doctor came straight from the meeting to my house to tell me I had, +and to collect the cheque. + +The pigs arrived. I myself and a number of other enthusiasts turned +out to welcome them. The Doctor, I remember, made a happy little +speech, and we all laughed a lot. The Committee were very pleased with +themselves. They _were_ dear little chaps--the pigs, I mean--very +small, of course, but that gave me the opening for what was +undoubtedly the most successful sally of the afternoon. Someone said +they weighed five pounds apiece. "One pound per pound," I remarked. + +A week later the Doctor called for my second instalment. "Pig going +strong," he chattered gaily while I wrote out the cheque; "best of a +good litter--bust its pink ribbon yesterday; twice the weight it was +when it came." + +It was on the tip of my tongue to repeat my witticism, which was still +true, but I refrained. + +I paid the first dozen five-pound instalments without comment. Up till +then I had been fully occupied in studying how FOCH was getting on +with the other sort of pig over there. But now I began to think. + +I was thinking heavily when I put on my hat, but when I reached the +premises of the Patriot Pigs I was thinking things that I prefer not +to talk about. To begin with, they were housing the poor little beasts +in a place you wouldn't dream of inflicting on the poorest labourer. +And the overcrowding! And the dirt! And the pigs themselves! They were +positively uncanny. There was something almost human about them. They +were all heads and no bodies. It was just as though the other half of +the wits of the half-witted boy who looked after them had distributed +itself among the whole herd. I could have wept when I thought how +my purse and my swill-tub had been emptied to keep such puny +monstrosities in the land of the living. + +I had my pig taken out and weighed. He turned the scale at forty-eight +pounds. + +A week later I went and weighed him again; he had shrunk to forty. + +I am a man of action. In a flash my mind was made up. I put him on a +string and led him home. + +My wife seemed rather surprised when we entered the drawing-room, but +I hastened to explain. + +"I paid five pounds," I said, "for a five-pound pig. Since then I 've +paid fifty-five pounds more, and I have been led to expect, that at +the very least the pig was keeping pace. But it isn't. The sterling +is increasing by leaps and bounds; the avoirdupois is not even +stationary. That's not counting several tons of swill that ought to +be inside him but aren't. It can't go on." I paused and added darkly, +"That pig shall not return." + +"But surely you're not going to have him live with _us_, Henry?" + +I controlled myself. + +"No, Maria," I said, "I am not. At a late hour to-night we will take +him out into the country and lose him." + +"Oh, Henry," she began, "supposing--" + +I interrupted gently but firmly. + +"My mind," said I, "like BERT COOTE'S, is made up. He is my pig and I +may do what I like with him. There is no law against one losing one's +pig. Besides, he is ruining me." + +At 10 P.M. we set out _en famille_. It was July. I remember the date +rather particularly because it was just then that they ceased to +ration bacon altogether. At 10.30 the pig was safely lost. At 11 the +front-door closed upon us. At 11.1 little Willy Perkins, the butcher's +son, arrived with the pig and claimed something for restoring lost +property. + +A man with a position to keep up simply can't afford to be caught in +the act of feloniously making away with pigs in war-time; besides +DORA was still alive and she might have something to say; so I had to +pretend how pleased I was, and I gave the scamp half-a-crown. + +Now I know Perkins and Son well enough to realise that if the animal +had been worth more than half-a-crown they would have allowed me to +lose my pig free of charge. So I made another resolution. It was +pretty drastic, but in a crisis like this severe measures are often +the best. In short, it was murder I contemplated--nothing less. + +I went to work carefully. I let four months slip by to allay any +possible suspicion. I paid my weekly cheque without being asked; +without a murmur I parted daily with my swill; in fact I comported +myself as though the unholy plot maturing in my breast was +nonexistent. + +At length the night arrived. I took down my long magazine Lee Enfield +and my cartridge (I am not a Volunteer for nothing) and crept to the +Patriot Pig H.Q. + +The once-crowded sty lay dark and still. I entered and switched on my +torch: it shone on the loathsome features that I knew so well. He was +all alone, so there could be no mistake. His head was as large +as ever, but his body seemed scarcely visible. I weighed him; he +registered fourteen pounds.: + +I will not harrow you, my reader, with details. Suffice it to say my +nerve was sure, my eye true and my hand steady. I killed that pig with +a single shot and went home to bed. + +The Doctor arrived next morning while I was shaving. He was white with +rage. He said: + +"What the deuce do you mean by killing my pig?" + +"_Your_ pig ?" I smiled. "No, _my_ Pig!" + +"Stuff and nonsense!" he spluttered. "_Your_ pig died four months +ago--caught cold last July through being out so late at night and died +next day." + +That roused me. "Do you mean to tell me," I asked coldly, "that I've +been paying five pounds a week for the last four months for a dead +pig?" + +"Very kind of you, I'm sure," replied the Doctor, "but no one asked +you to, you know." + +Adding together all my expenses--the weekly subscription for my pig; +a similar sum paid to the Doctor for his; the value of my swill; the +fine imposed (by DORA) for improper use of firearms; ditto (by the +Magistrate) for shooting game without a licence; alleged damage to the +P.P. premises and the remaining wits of their custodian; and finally, +the bill from Mr. Perkins for a pound of pork purchased in July, and +the account from Dr. Jones for professional attendance subsequent to +consumption of same--adding all these together I find that from first +to last I disbursed £385 5s. 5-1/2d. on the patriot. + +With pork at two shillings a pound my outlay should have produced a +pig that weighed 1 ton 14-1/2 cwt. Truly that would have been a very +Hindenburg of a pig. It was almost worth trying. + + * * * * * + +OUR EUPHEMISTS. + + "General Servant wanted, by middle of February; no small + family."_--Oxford Times_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Proprietor (to assistant recently released from the +Army)._ "WHY, WHATEVER MADE YOU OFFER TO SEND THE GOODS HOME FOR HER? +ANY FOOL COULD TELL YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF CIVILISATION DURING THE WAR."] + + * * * * * + +TO THE SPEAKER ON HIS RE-ELECTION. + + Good Mr. SPEAKER, in this troublous time, + When it is hard to string a cheerful rhyme, + Your genial influence unshaken bides + Amid the flux of shifting sands and tides; + And, re-electing you by acclamation, + The Parliament has acted for the nation, + Which, while acknowledging the Members' _nous_, + Congratulates not you, Sir, but the House. + + 'Tis fourteen years since you were called to bear + The heavy burdens of your "perilous Chair"-- + What years, what burdens! Yet your steadfast mien + Has never failed to dominate the scene. + Others have found the post a giant's robe + Or lacked the needful patience of a Job; + But you, by dint of fearless common sense, + Have won and held all Parties' confidence; + Firm as the rock and as the crystal clear, + When need arises righteously austere, + Ready, not eager, your advice to lend, + And not afraid in season to unbend. + + Thus, tested by a strain that very few, + If any, of your predecessors knew, + You come at last, among the lesser fry, + To loom so largely in the public eye, + That, we regard you, greatest of your clan, + More as an institution than a man. + + * * * * * + +THE REST-CURE. + + "Will young officer requiring rest help farmer catch rabbits for a + month?"--_Church Family Newspaper_. + +THE RETURN. + +It was at tea last Sunday that we met for the first time for +three-and-a-half years. He was sadly altered. To the casual observer +he may still appear his own attractive self; the change in him is +deeper. + +He isn't what he was, but none the less it is wonderfully delightful +to have him among us again. A girl at the next table noticed him and +spoke smilingly to her companion. But I--I sat and looked at him and +never said a word. + +Before the War I was fond of him, but I doubt if I could ever have +realised how much I should miss him; and nothing has brought home +to me so surely the astounding fact that at last it is over as his +return. + +Sitting opposite to him here brought back the jolly memories of other +teas in that distant pre-war life of ours--memories of bright faces, +gentle clatter of cups, charm of soft clothes, strange forgotten sense +of comforts, and one particular smile; and, throwing off from me the +gathering gloom of the war-weary, I dug my fork joyously into his +brown bosom and raised the chocolate _éclair_ to my lips. + + * * * * * + + "By placing a lemon in the oven for a few minutes nearly the + entire pulp turns to juice. When next you want orange-juice try + this."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + +But why not use an orange? + + * * * * * + + "As a woman married to an Army officer for nineteen years I do not + consider that I could possibly, on less than our present income, + provide my children and husband with the necessary education and + comfort."--_Letter in Daily Paper_. + +Some husbands take a lot of educating. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Assistant Paymaster_, "HOW LONG WERE YOU IN YOUR LAST +JOB?" _"Hostilities Only" Man_. "THREE MONTHS, SIR." _A.P._ "WHAT WERE +YOU DOING?" _H.O.M._ "THREE MONTHS."] + + * * * * * + +THE MAN WHO STAYED AT HOME + +(A SOLILOQUY AFTER A DAY'S WORK AT THE MINISTRY OF FOOD). + + [Sir JOHN FIELD BEALE, formerly First Secretary of the Ministry of + Food, has been in consultation with the Supreme Council for Supply + and Relief in Paris. Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE has just returned from + a mission of inquiry into the food situation in Austria.] + + Let others speed to far Sequanian shores + To end the War that was to end all wars, + Where peace-pursuing Discord loud debates + And all hotels are packed with Delegates; + Where pundits in the Parliament of Man + Discuss or Georgian or Wilsonian Plan; + Where fickle Fate dispenses weal or woe + Respectively assigned to friend and foe; + Where Cornucopia meekly comes to heel + Under instructions from Sir JOHN FIELD BEALE. + + Let others in Icarian feats engage + With the ingenious aid of HANDLEY PAGE; + Haste to discover all that may be known + About the situation in Cologne; + Or, like Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE, to appease + The clamourings of esurient Viennese-- + In none of these things Fortune waits for me, + Nor Knighthood cheap, nor unctuous O.B.E. + Ah, not for me to note with facile pen + Successive stages of the L. of N. + With calorimetric and statistic arts + Administer the prog of Foreign Parts, + Or, eager not to do the thing by halves, + To reconcile the Czechs and Jugo-Slavs-- + I will, resigning honours, kudos, pelf, + Administer hot cocoa to myself; + Then to repose; for it is truly said + The best location of mankind is BED. + + * * * * * + +EMANCIPATION. + + "Wanted by respectable woman, a couple of Gentleman's Trousers + (left off)."--_Irish Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "A Caproni machine flew a distance of 325 miles in four + fours."--_Scottish Paper._ + +A correspondent writes to ask if this is double the time usually +described as "two two's." + + * * * * * + + "At 11 o'clock the muster roll at many shops and offices was still + incomplete. Indeed assistants were reported 'missing' at many + establishments an hour later. There were girls--Government and + others--who stayed at home."--_Evening Paper_. + +Little pigs who wouldn't go to market. + + * * * * * + + "At Bolton on Saturday the United Textile Factory Workers' + Association decided to put forward a demand for a 4-hours week, + with the same rate of pay as for 55-1/2 hours."--_Provincial + Paper_. + +We trust this is a misprint and not an "intelligent anticipation" of +what we are coming to. + + * * * * * + + "The teachers of ---- are not satisfied with the scale of salary + fixed by the Education Committee, and yesterday morning a + deputation waited upon the Special Salaries Committee to state + their case. The Education Committee decided to increase the salary + of the borough Director of Education from £450 to £500." + + _Provincial Paper_. + +And if that don't satisfy 'em--Bolshevism, my dear Sir, Bolshevism! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The General (showing his nieces round Club_). "THERE'S +BEEN A LOT OF ARM-CHAIR FIGHTING DONE IN THIS ROOM." _School-Girl._ +"HOW TOPPING! THAT BEATS PILLOW-FIGHTING. BUT ISN'T IT RATHER +DANGEROUS?"] + + * * * * * + OLD HEN-PECK. + + Captain Edwin Peck, E.N., + Had the habits of a hen. + Edwin's nose was like a bone, + And his teeth were not his own; + Neither, I regret to tell, + Did they fit him very well. + It was not his fault, no doubt, + That they tried to tumble out, + And in fact he seldom dropped them, + For he almost always copped them + Just as they became unstuck + By ejaculating, "Cluck." + + Yoked to this elusive plate, + Did our Edwin curse his fate? + No, he was content to live, + For he was inquisitive. + If he saw a speck of grit + He must needs examine it, + Not as any other might, + Standing at his proper height, + But with body slightly slanted + And his head obliquely canted, + While with small unblinking eye + He surveyed it wickedly. + + One fine Sunday Captain Peek + Stalked along the lower deck, + Pausing now and then to stare, + Poking here and scratching there, + + Like a pullet in her prime + Clucking softly all the time. + Presently the Captain spied + One small scuttle open wide. + "Cluck!" he said, and likewise. "Tut! + + "Every scuttle should be shut;" + And with a malignant snort + Poked his head out through the port. + + That was easy, but, alack! + When he tried to get it back + There was heard an angry cluck-- + Captain Edwin Peck was stuck! + + Strange at first as it appears, + He had overlooked his ears; + But it's not so queer, perhaps, + When you ask, "Have hens got flaps?" + + Silence! You'd have heard a pin + Fall upon the deck within, + Till the Bloke was heard to shout, + "Stick it, Sir! We'll get you out!" + + Everybody had a go-- + Chief, Commander, P.M.O., + Padre, Carpenter and Stoker, + Using engine-grease and poker, + Hawser, marlin-spike and soap, + Till at length they gave up hope, + For, in spite of all they did, + Edwin fitted like a lid. + + Suddenly upon the scene + Came a German submarine. + Then a flash, a roar, a groan; + "We are sinking like a stone!" + Cried the Bloke with angry frown; + "Can we leave poor Peck to drown? + Really, this is _too_ absurd;" + Then a miracle occurred. + + As the cold green waters roll + Round poor Edwin in his hole, + Are the watchers wrong in thinking + That the Captain's neck is shrinking? + As she took her final list on, + Sighing, "üdor mén äriston!" + Long-enduring Captain Peck + Gracefully withdrew his neck, + Poked it out again and spoke + To the sorrow-stricken Bloke: + "Nothing more that we can do? + No? Then sound the 'Sove kee poo!'" + + Need I tell how Captain Peck + Was the last to leave the wreck, + How the good ship perished, or + How he brought them safe to shore, + Landing, after all his men, + Clucking softly like a hen? + + * * * * * + +Up-to date quotation for foot-sore Londoners: "Et Tube, brute!" + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +One reads a lot nowadays about the "slavery" of various habits (drug, +drink, bigamy, etc.) and loud is the outcry. But there is yet another +bondage, just as binding and far more widespread, which nobody ever +seems to mention, namely, the drill habit. Drill the young soldier up +in the way he should go and for ever after his body will spring to the +word of command, whether his soul approves or no. + +Once upon a time two men turned up in a railway construction camp deep +in the Rhodesian bush. They were a silent, furtive, friendless pair, +dwelling apart, and nobody could discover whence they came, whither +they were bound, or, in fact, anything about them. It was generally +conceded that they had some horrid secret to bury (camp optimists +voted for "murder") and left it at that. Time went by and so did the +rail-head, leaving the two mysteries behind as permanent-way gangers. +Solitude seemed to suit them. Years passed along and still the two +remained in that abomination of desolation guarding their stretch of +track and their horrid secret. Then one day ROBERTS rolled by on his +way to Victoria Falls, and, his train halting to tank-up, the old +Field-Marshal stepped ashore and called to the two gangers, who +happened to be close at hand tinkering at their trolley. The guard, +who was taking a bottle of Bass with the steward on the platform of +the diner, suddenly jabbed his friend in the brisket. + +"Look, for the love of Mike!" he giggled. + +The two gangers were standing talking to "BOBS," shoulder to shoulder, +heels together, feet spread at an angle of forty-five degrees, knees +braced, thumbs behind the seams of their trousers, backs hollowed, +heads erect--in short in the correct position of attention as decreed +in the Book of Infantry Training. The old man finished speaking and +the two saluted smartly and broke away. The steward looked at his +friend and nodded, "Old soldiers." + +"Old deserters, you mean," retorted the guard. "_Now_ we know." + +The drill habit had been too strong for those two fugitives even after +ten years. + +The other night our Babe, as Orderly Officer, sat up alone in the +Mess, consuming other people's cigarettes and whisky until midnight, +then, being knocked up by the Orderly Sergeant, gave the worthy fellow +a tot to restore circulation, pulled on his gum-boots and sallied +forth on the rounds. By 12.45 he had assured himself that the line +guards were functioning in the prescribed "brisk and soldierly +manner," and that the horses were all properly tucked up in bed, and +so turned for home. + +He paused at the cross-roads to hear the end of the Sergeant's +reminiscences of happy days when he, the Sergeant, (then full-private, +full in more senses than one) had held the responsible position of +beer-taster to a regiment at Jaipurbad ("an ideal drinkin' climate, +Sir"), then, dismissing the old connoisseur, continued on his way +bedward. + +It must have been one o'clock by then, a black wind-noisy night. As +the Babe turned into the home straight, he saw a light flash for an +instant in a big cart-shed opposite the Mess--just a flicker as of a +match scratched and instantly extinguished. + +This struck him as curious; it was no weather or hour for decent folk +to be abroad. The Babe then remembered that the mess-cart was in the +shed, and it occurred to him that somebody might be monkeying with the +harness. He thereupon marched straight for the shed (treading quite +noiselessly in his gum-boots) and, pulling out his electric torch, +flashed it, not on some cringing Picard peasant, as he had expected, +but on three unshorn, unwashed, villainous, whopping big Bosch +infantrymen! It would be difficult to say who was the most staggered +for the moment, the Huns blinking in the sudden glare of the torch +or the Babe well aware that he was up against a trio of escaped and +probably quite desperate prisoners of war. "Victory," says M. HILAIRE +BELLOC (or was it NAPOLEON? I am always getting them mixed) "is to him +who can bring the greatest force to bear on a given position." That +is as may be, but, after personal participation in one or two of +the major disputes in the late lamented war, I put it this way. Two +opposing factions bump, utter chaos reigns supreme and the side which +recovers first wins. In this case the Babe was the first to recover. A +year before the War he found himself in a seminary in the suburbs of +Berlin, learning to cough his vowels, roll his r's and utter German +phonetically. Potsdam was near at hand, and many a pleasant hour did +the Babe spend on a bench outside the old Stadt Palast, watching young +recruits of the Prussian Guard having their souls painfully extracted +from them by _Feldwebels_ of great muzzle velocity and booting force. +The sight of those three Hun uniforms standing before him must have +pricked a memory, which in turn set some sub-conscious mechanism to +work, for suddenly the Babe heard a voice bawling orders in German. It +was fully five seconds, he swears, before he recognised it as his own. +"Attention!" snarled the voice in proper Potsdammer style. "Quick +march! Right wheel!" The three great hooligans trembled all over, +clicked their heels and stepped off the mark as punctiliously as +though on the Tempelhofer Feld at the Spring Parade. + +In two minutes the Babe, snarling like a Zoo tiger at dinner-time, +had manoeuvred them across a hundred yards of bog and filed them, +goose-stepping, into a Nissen Hut full of sleeping Atkinses. The +Atkinses rolled, gaping, off their beds at the Babe's first shout, and +the game was up. + +Ten minutes later the Bosch gentlemen were _en route_ for the main +guard under strong, if _déshabillé_, escort. + +It turned out that one of them spoke English quite badly and on +reaching the Guard Room he opened out. + +They had escaped from a prison camp at Abbeville, he said, and were +heading for Holland, travelling by night. + +Passing the farm at about midnight they espied our hooded mess-cart +and, feeling tired and footsore, had conceived the bright idea of +stealing a horse to fit the cart and driving to Holland in style and +comfort. Just as they were getting things shipshape along came the +Babe and clapped the lid on--"_verfluchte kleine Teufel_!" + +When the Main Guard lads inquired how it was that after all their +trouble they had allowed one lone unarmed infant to corral the three +of them, instead of quietly biffing him on the head, as they quite +easily might have done, the Huns were very confused. At one moment +they were in the shed, they said, fascinated like moths in the glare +of the torch, and the next thing they knew they were in the midst of a +horde of underclothed Tommies--trapped. As to what had happened in the +interval, or how they had been spirited from one place to the other, +they were not in the least clear--couldn't explain it at all. + +The Drill Habit again. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +ARMISTICE-TIME ECONOMY. + + "The Consecrating Officers were elected Honorary Members of the + Lodge and were presented with a souvenir in the form of a solid + silver cigar ash-tray, made from the lead used in the production + of shrapnel bullets." + + _Freemason's Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + + "Several persons dropped to the pavement, several dripping with + blood. One man had his head partially opened, and he lay writing + on the ground."--_Provincial Paper_. + +If the poor fellow was, as we presume, a reporter, we cannot too much +applaud his devotion to duty. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEWS FROM THE SHIRES. + +_Customer_. "WELL, JARVIS, WHAT'S THE LATEST?" + +_Farrier_. "I HEAR AS HOW THAT ADMIRAL BEATTY IS LIKELY TO BECOME A +PUBLIC MAN." + +_Customer_. "HOW DO YOU MEAN?" + +_Farrier_. "WHY, I HEAR SOME TALK OF HIM BEING MASTER OF THE QUORN."] + + * * * * * + +THE BET. + +The Colonel was, as usual, laying down the law. + +"Economy!" he said with a snort; "economy's dead. No one cares about +saving money any more. No one cares about the value of money. We +are asked excessive prices and we pay them. We eat, drink and are +merry--or approximately so--and be hanged to you! With the exception +of the halfpenny stamp we put on circulars I can think of nothing that +has not gone up or, in other words, lost buying power. I defy anyone +to name a thing that hasn't." + +He glowered fiercely and challengingly around. + +"I repeat," he said, "that the purchasing power of money is not what +it was in any respect. The other day, for instance, I bought a new +hat. I used to pay a guinea; it is now thirty-two and six. And a worse +hat probably. What do you think I was charged for soling and heeling +shoes? One pound ten! And worse leather. That's partly what I mean +by the loss of purchasing power; where the price may in some +extraordinary way remain the same, the quality of the article paid for +is inferior. There's a steady deterioration. Can anyone name a case +where I am wrong?" + +His red eyes again defied us. + +"Yes, I can," said a meek voice. + +The Colonel subjected the speaker to a long and ferocious scrutiny. + +"You can'?" he said at last. + +"Yes," replied the meek voice. "Will you bet on it?" + +"Bet on it? Most certainly I will," said the Colonel, who has done +fairly well in wagers in his time. "How much?" + +"What you like," replied the meek voice. + +"Very well," said the Colonel, "make it a tenner." + +"With pleasure," was the rejoinder. "The bet is that I can't name a +single thing which has not either increased in price or decreased in +quality since the War?" + +"Yes," said the Colonel. + +We all sat up and waited, as though for the maroons in the old, old +days. + +"Well," said the meek voice, "the cost of pulling a communication cord +is I still five pounds, and you can have just as good a pull as ever." + + * * * * * + +ON THE SAFE SIDE. + + "Why, what's this, Ben, they're telling me?-- + Eighty and going to get a wife! + Gaffer, I thought you'd surely be + A snug old bachelor for life." + + "Well, Sur, ye see I allus meant + To take ole Martha some fine day; + But 'wed in haste and then repent' + I heer'd as many folks did say. + + "But now, thinks I, there's sure no fear + Through too much haste o' goin' wrong; + + "An', anyways, at eighty year + I can't repent fur wery long." + + * * * * * + +THE GREATEST PATRIOT OF ALL: A public servant who did not strike +during the War--Big Ben. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EFFECT ON BALLROOM IF, OWING TO THE STRIKE MANIA, THE +MUSICIANS WERE SUDDENLY TO "DOWN INSTRUMENTS."] + + * * * * * + +THE APPOINTMENT. + + They tell me there is work for most, + However tired they be, + That there are Offices engrossed + In finding me a well-paid post + Of suitable degree; + That there are businesses that itch + To make the young lieutenant rich, + Yet I have not discovered which + Is itching after me. + + And this is strange; for I could shine + In any place you please, + Although, if there is any line + Which is most obviously mine, + It is the man of ease-- + The man whose intellect is such + He never has to labour much, + But does the literary touch + In comfort at "The Leas." + + Or I could be a splendid Squire + And watch the harvest grow, + Could urge the reaper to perspire + And put the cattle in the byre + (If that is where they go), + And every morning do the rounds + Of my immense ancestral grounds + With six or seven faithful hounds, + And say, "It looks like snow." + + And there are moments when I feel + The diplomatic call; + No trickery would long conceal + The state of things at Bubazeel + When I was at the Ball, + To spy across the "brilliant floors" + On daughters of Ambassadors, + And "obviate" impending wars + By dancing with them all. + + A bishopric I can't afford, + Though I could give it tone, + And often when the people snored + I've felt they would not be so bored + By sermons of my own; + But if the Secretaries cry + For secretaries--here am I; + Or nobly would I occupy + The taxi-driver's throne. + + For I should beam across the street + When people waved at me, + And say, "My petrol's incomplete, + I haven't had my bit of meat + Nor yet my bit of tea, + But just because I like your face + I'll take you out to any place + However distant from my base-- + And ask no extra fee." + + And yet I doubt could England bear + To see my rest destroyed? + A soul so delicate and fair + Should simply saunter through the air + And cultivate the void; + One would not readily degrade + One's loveliness in _any_ trade, + Only, of course, one must be paid + For being unemployed. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +SMITH MINOR PROFFERS A REQUEST. + +_(An authentic document_.) + +Will you please send me a fountain pen because nearly every boy but me +has a fountain pen and I should so like to have one because I often +want to write something outside and I carn't and then when I come in I +don't no what it is and I miss something out of my letter then when I +have writen my letter I remember what it was and genulry I remember it +in lesons and when I begin to write my next letter I have for goten +it and it goes on like that till at last I remember it and then some +times I don't rember it all and that is why I want a fontin pen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DRY" HUMOUR. + +PRESIDENT WILSON. "OUR FUTURE LIES UPON THE WATER!" + +BRITANNIA. "ALLUDING, I PRESUME, TO YOUR PROHIBITION MOVEMENT?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +MR. LOWTHER TAKES THE CHAIR FOR "POSITIVELY THE LAST TIME." HIS +ENTHUSIASTIC PROPOSER AND SECONDER (COLONEL MILDMAY AND SIR HENRY +DALZIEL), BITTEN BY THE POPULAR CRAZE, PUT A BIT OF "JAZZ" INTO THE +PROCEEDINGS.] + +_Tuesday, February 4th_.--There is much virtue in horsehair. Few who +attended the informal opening of the Third Parliament of KING GEORGE +THE FIFTH would have guessed that under the full-bottomed wig and +gorgeous black-and-gold robes of the dignified figure on the Woolsack +lay the volatile personality of "F. E." He played his new part nobly. +A trifling error in the setting of his three-cornered hat, whose +rakish cock was for the moment reminiscent of the "Galloper," was +quickly corrected on the advice of one of the Lords Commissioners at +his side; and by the time the faithful Commons were admitted to hear +the Commission read there was nothing to differentiate Lord BIRKENHEAD +(as he had now become) from any previous occupant of his exalted +position. Nor was there any lack of dignity in his delivery of the +instructions to the Commons to "proceed to the choice of some proper +person to be your Speaker"--though I fancy that when he bade them +"repair to the place where you are to sit" he must have been tempted +to add the words, "provided that you can find room there." + +For the Lower House, when we returned there, was a seething mass of +humanity. How many of the 707 duly elected Members were present I know +not; but there were enough to swamp the floor and surge over into the +Galleries. Seeing that the "Tubes" were closed and taxis few and far +between, some of them were obliged to resort to unusual methods of +locomotion. Sir HENRY NORMAN surprised the police in Palace Yard by +arriving on a motor-scooter, and there is an unconfirmed rumour +that the Editor of _John Bull_ made his _rentrée_ to the House in a +flying-boat drawn by four _canards sauvages._ Anyhow, there they were, +so thick and slab that Mr. DE VALERA, who was reported to have escaped +from durance vile with the intention of presenting himself at the +House and creating a disturbance, would have found it impossible to +gain entry unless preceded by a charge of gelignite. As it was, none +of the Sinn Feiners was present, nor indeed any representative of +Irish Nationalism at all, and the proceedings were as orderly as a +Quaker funeral. + +Not that they were by any means dull. For both Colonel MILDMAY, who +proposed, and Sir HENRY DALZIEL, who seconded, the re-election of Mr. +LOWTHER as Speaker, spiced their compliments with humour. The former +was confident that even if Woman appeared on the floor of the House +the SPEAKER-ELECT'S "consummate tact" would be equal to coping with +her artfullest endeavours to get round the rules of procedure; while +the latter attributed his priceless gift of humour to "Scottish +ancestry on the mother's side." + +Horsehair again! I hardly recognised in the quietly-dressed Member who +rose from the Bench behind Ministers to acknowledge these encomiums +the man whose awe-inspiring appearance (when clothed in wig and gown) +has quelled so many storms in the last four Parliaments. Let us hope +that the fifth, of which, being the outcome of his famous Conference, +he may in a sense be described as the "onlie begetter," will not +disgrace its parentage. + +Already there are elements of difficulty. Through the non-return of +Mr. ASQUITH the Opposition has lost its head literally and is in some +danger of losing it figuratively, for the remnant of the un-"couponed" +Liberals and the Labour Party are at present acutely divided on the +question upon whom the lost Leader's mantle should fall. Today Sir +DONALD MACLEAN, as senior Privy Councillor, took the _pas_ and was +able from personal experience to give his conception of the ideal +Speaker, who "must not only have good vision but be sometimes quite +blind; not only have acute hearing but occasionally be almost +stone-deaf." Fortunately the SPEAKER-ELECT can assume these physical +defects at will; for, despite its quiet opening, I doubt if the +new Parliament when it gets to work will prove precisely a Lowther +Arcadia. + +_Wednesday, February 5th_.--To the Lords again, where the +SPEAKER-ELECT, attired in Court dress and accompanied by the +SERGEANT-AT-ARMS dandling the Mace as if it ware a refractory infant, +presented himself at the Bar to hear from the LORD CHANCELLOR the +pleasing intelligence that HIS MAJESTY was convinced of his "ample +sufficiency" to execute his arduous duties, and readily approved his +election. Thereupon Sir COLIN KEPPEL swung the Mace on to his shoulder +and escorted the SPEAKER, now confirmed in his rank, back to the +Commons. + +There was an unusual rush of Members to take the oath. This was not +entirely due to the new Members, naturally desirous of completing +their initiatory rites, but was shared by many of the older hands, for +the good and sufficient reason that, until a Member is certified as +having been duly sworn, he cannot recover his one hundred and fifty +pounds deposit from the Returning Officer. In their zeal to be in a +position to reimburse themselves Members crowded in such numbers to +the tables that there was some danger that they would be overturned. +As one of our Latinists remarked, "It looks as if we should have +_novae res_ outside and _novae tabulae_ inside." + +_Thursday, February 6th._--The process, once immortalized by a Lords' +reporter in the sentence, "A few Bishops looked in, swore, and went +away again," went on in both Houses; but in the Commons in a more +orderly fashion than yesterday. For the SPEAKER, ever ready, as he +said on his election, "to carry out the old rules in a modern +spirit," directed the waiting Members to form up in line. One of the +Coalitionists evinced a little surprise. He had always understood that +when coupons were issued queues were superfluous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Donald (who a short time before had put the bottle in +the cupboard "for another day" breaking long silence)._ "SAXPENCE FOR +YOUR THOUGHTS, SANDY." + +_Sandy._ "WEEL, I'M THENKIN' IT'S JEST TWA MEENITS SEN THE CLOCK STRUCK +TWELVE--AN' IT'LL BE ANITHER DAY." + + + * * * * * + + "Wanted a Certificated (Resilient) Lady Teacher for Std. + V."--_Times of India_. + + * * * * * + +TENDENCIES + +(_Being some extracts from the daily Press of, say, 1925)._ + +.... The bi-monthly strike of Clyde workers took place yesterday. The +proceedings were quite orderly. The matter in dispute this time is a +very simple affair. The men, who are now working on a full half-hour a +week basis at one hundred and sixty-eight hours' pay, with three snap +meal-times of ten minutes each per day, are not pressing for any +alteration in pay or hours, but demand the dismissal of Mr. John +Smith, the managing director of one of the large shipbuilding yards, +who rudely refused to fetch a pint of beer for one of the rivetters. +The Government department dealing with strike questions is full up for +three months yet, but hopes are entertained that, unless a critical +by-election should intervene, it will be possible to deal with the +matter at the expiration of that period. + +.... Much interest was aroused last evening by the production of a new +musical show, both the book and music of which have been written by +natives of this country. A strong protest has been lodged by the +United States Embassy. + +.... A passenger on one of the Tube railways alleges that he entered a +train at Oxford Circus Station last evening. No confirmation is as yet +forthcoming, and the rumour must be treated with reserve. + +.... The Peace Conference held a sitting yesterday and definitely +decided that the ex-Kaiser should be tried one of these days. It is +confidently stated in the inner circles of Paris that peace will +inevitably be concluded within the next ten or twelve years. + +.... Dancing still holds its own as the principal amusement of the +bulk of the population. The latest dance, the Guzz-Jinx, which is +danced on the hands with the right foot placed in the mouth of one's +partner, is stated to be very graceful indeed. The correct music is +provided by a band performing entirely on hair-combs and tea-trays. + +.... A reduction is promised in the price of tobacco shortly. An ounce +recently changed hands at a well-known Piccadilly shop at two hundred +and seven pounds, but the new season's prices are not expected to be +much above one hundred and fifty pounds. + +A man was charged at Bow Street yesterday with endeavouring to ride +in a motor-bus on Tuesday, the 12th of the month, when his permit was +only for Thursday, the 15th of each month. He was severely cautioned +and ordered to get a new calendar. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEFORE THE COMBAT. + +_Excited Duellist._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" + +_Nervous Opponent._ "I'M PUTTING MAGIC DROPS ON MY SWORD, WHICH WILL +MAKE IT IRRESISTIBLE." + +_Excited Duellist._ "BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR TO ME." + +_Nervous Opponent (relieved)._ "ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN HAVE SOME AND WE'LL +CALL IT A DRAW."] + + * * * * * + +A VALENTINE. + + Dear Lydia, long before your time, + When I was half the 'teen you own to, + Don Valentine was in his prime, + The world not yet the thing it's grown to. + The postman then with double knocks + This morning many a heart was thrilling, + And brought a shining cardboard box + With round red hearts in paper frilling. + + A simpler world, and well content + With what seems small by modern measure; + And winters came and roses went, + Yet Time dulls pain as well as pleasure. + Though, with this fashion out of date, + His hand to-day weighs almost lightly + If this my war-time chocolate + Makes two dark eyes to shine more brightly. + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE GARDEN. + +To those who are about to re-establish their herbaceous borders it +will come as a welcome surprise that restrictions as to the sale of +the following foodstuffs by nurserymen have now been withdrawn:-- + +Stucky's _Germania_ (Lamb's Ear). + +_Scolopendrium_ (Hart's Tongue). + +No coupons will be required for these in future. + +_Fatsia Horrida._--This is no longer grown by nurserymen, but can be +obtained at any butcher's, large quantities having recently arrived +from Greece. Smith minor, possibly a prejudiced witness, says he gets +it at school; that it is beastly and only another name for Cod Liver +Oil. + +_Sambucus_ (the Elder).--A correspondent inquires if anything is +known of the younger branch of this family. On being appealed to +the Secretary of the Linnaean Society sent the following somewhat +enigmatic telegram: "Recommend CLEMENCEAU non-Papa, who may know +something of Uncle Sam." + +_Hydrangea._--This hardy shrub is so called as it was originally +raised by the Ranger of Hyde Park. The American variety "radiata" +succeeds well indoors if grown on hot-water pipes. + +_Pirus._--There are several varieties of this species. The best known, +however, comes from Cornwall and was raised by the late Sir W.S. +GILBERT, who introduced the Savoy cabbage. It is called the _Pirus of +Penzance_. + + * * * * * + +DANCING DEMOBILISED. + + [It is said that demobilised officers, anxious to dance, are + finding it almost impossible to buy dress-shirts and evening + pumps.] + + Now that I've been demobilised + I'm going again to dances-- + I do not care with whom or where, + I'm taking any chances. + And evening dress, I've been advised, + Will never become transitional; + Yet once or twice I've been surprised + To find my khaki pals disguised + In new dress suits and old trench boots, + Which scarcely seems traditional. + + I met my Colonel at a hop + Jazzing in his goloshes, + With a dress-tie pert on a cricket-shirt + That had shrunk in various washes; + And my Major was doing the Donkey-Drop + Between a couple of rippers-- + Yet his pink-and-white pyjama-top + If anything seemed a shade _de trop_, + And his faultless coat hardly echoed the note + Of his worsted bedroom slippers. + + But the world long since went off its chump, + And the cry of the man from France is, + "I simply refuse to let shirts and shoes + Prevent me from going to dances. + I'll take the shine out of collar and pump, + And their wearers _will_ look silly + When I once begin the Giraffe-Galump, + The Chicken-Run and the Jaguar-Jump, + The Wombat-Walk and the Buffalo-Bump, + With a chamois vest on my manly chest, + And football-boots and the smartest of suits + They can cut in Piccadilly." + + * * * * * + +THE GRAND TRUNK LINE. + + "The following are some alternative routes which could be used by + people going home this evening from the City or West End:-- + + "Clapham Common.--By Elephant, trams and 'buses."--_Evening News_. + +LOCAL COLOUR. + +I ran upstairs after lunch to-day to see old Harris. He has the +flat over mine, you know. In addition to this Harris is an author. +Sometimes he even gets money for it. + +"Doin' a bit of work to-day, Harris?" I remarked casually. + +"I'm doing a little flying story," he informed me with dignity. + +"Oh, yes," I agreed carelessly, then woke up and stared hard. + +"Flying?" I repeated. "But what the--I mean, what do you know about +flying, anyway?" + +Brutality is the only thing with Harris. He was very hurt. He gasped +and glared at me in a most annoyed manner. + +"I know a pretty good lot," he announced with some asperity. "I've +talked to dozens of pilots about it and I've read books on flying--and +the newspapers--" + +"And don't forget you once passed Hendon in the train too, old son," +I soothed him. "I'd no idea you were so well up in it. Sorry I spoke. +Let's see it; may I?" + +Harris picked up a couple of sheets of paper from the desk and, +coughing imposingly, proceeded to read out his masterpiece:-- + +"Lionel Marchant came slowly out of the hangar, drawing on his long +fur gloves and studying his maps with an intent and keen face. + +"His machine, a single-seater scout of the latest type, was just being +wheeled out and now stood glistening in the bright autumn sunshine, +which danced on the shining brasswork and threw deep shadows on the +grass beneath. + +"The airman swung lightly into his seat; a final word or two with his +commanding officer and he flung over the levers and gave a sharp turn +to the starting handle. + +"The powerful engine in front of him woke into life deafeningly and, +waving away the mechanics holding the wings, he pressed the clutch +pedal and moved slowly forward. + +"His face is very grim and determined--he throws across another lever +and the low hum of the motor changes into a deep-throated roar. +Gathering speed, he goes faster and faster--now he is in the air--now +a little speck in the sky, heading for the enemy's lines--" + +"Oh, no, please," I broke in feebly. "I can't stand any more just now. +You're not seriously thinking of having this published, are you?" + +As in a dream I took the manuscript from his fingers and gazed blankly +at it whilst his indignant flow of speech passed harmlessly over my +head. + +"But, Harris," I said at length, with infinite compassion in my voice, +"Harris, I love you as a brother, but this really is awful--why--well, +listen here"-- + +"'As the second German machine came down on them in a steep dive +Lionel gave a hasty glance behind him, where the huge engine raced +madly, and shouted excitedly to his observer. + +"'The latter, swinging the machine gun round sharply, took rapid aim +and pressed the trigger--'" + +I stopped. + +"Well?" demanded the author icily. + +"No, it's too frightful," I bleated. "Harris, this _might_ conceivably +be read by a real pilot. Heaven forbid, of course! And he'd simply +hate this scout 'bus with the engine ahead to change into a 'pusher' +two-seater in six paragraphs." + +Harris was routed, absolutely demoralised. "They told me to put in +lots of flying talk," he murmured abjectly, "and tons of local colour +to make it lifelike." + +"Yes," I said grimly, "but this colour's too local for words." + +"Of course, if you think you could do it better yourself," Harris +observed with heavy sarcasm, "well, then--" + +"Certainly," I agreed heartily. "I don't mind showing _you_, Harris, +seeing you're a pal of mine. Just pass the ink and let your uncle get +to work." + +Behold my effort!-- + +"'Orderly, what about tea?' + +"'Very nearly ready, Sir.' + +"'Right. Then I think a small piece of toast is indicated;' and he +proceeded to hack the loaf to pieces with great vigour. + +"'Hun over somewhere, sounds like,' said a sleepy voice as the throb +of an engine was heard overhead. + +"'Oh, I can't help his troubles,' observed the toast-maker airily. +'He's got no right to come at tea-time. In about half-an-hour or so I +might think about--' + +"Here the telephone bell rang. + +"'Now that's a splendid joke,' said his unfeeling friend as he laid +down the receiver. 'You've got to go up after that chap. They're +getting your 'bus out now, so--' + +"'What!' came in disgusted tones from the fireside. 'Don't be so dam +funny. What do you mean?' + +"'Not ragging, really, Bill. The C.O. said he wanted you to have a +shot at that fellow. Run like a hare. You may catch him up over Berlin +somewhere. I'll eat your toast for you.' + +"'Oh, will you?' grunted the other. 'What awful rot it is! Oh, the +devil--where's my hat?' and out he plunged. + +"Two minutes later he was struggling into a heavy leather coat and, +feeling thoroughly ill-used, climbed into his machine. + +"The propeller was swung, emitting one hollow cough. + +"'Switch off. All right, contact.' + +"At the third attempt the engine remembered its manners and started up +with a jerk. A few moments to get her running smoothly, a rapid test +to see that she was 'giving her revs.' and the chocks, were waved away +from the wheels. + +"Within twenty yards he was off the ground and, throttle wide open, +climbing towards the little white dot thousands of feet above. + +"And all the time he was grumbling. + +"'What awful rot it is! I've about as much chance of reaching the +blighter as ... Running my engine to bits as it is ... May be able to +cut him off when he's dropped his eggs.' + +"Which is precisely what happened. The last gift had been thankfully +received in a ploughed field beneath and the Hun was turning for home +when the scout struggled to his level. + +"The watchers on the ground saw the small machine press determinedly +towards the bigger and a faint crackle of gun-fire broke out. + +"It was answered by all the guns on board the enemy craft and the +single-seater wavered undecidedly. + +"Then he got his adversary fairly in his ring sight again and' risking +everything, fired burst after burst. + +"All at once the big machine heeled over and dived--a flash and a +sudden sheet of flame from the engine and down dropped the raider, to +dash to pieces in the French fields three miles below. + +"Ten minutes later the British machine slithered on to the ground and +switched off in front of the sheds. + +"'By Jove, Bill,' said his friend, rushing up excitedly, 'that was the +best show--' + +"'Not so much of it,' interposed the 'hero,' scrambling out of his +seat. 'What about my tea? Did you look after my toast for me? No, +might have known you wouldn't.'" + + * * * * * + +WHAT OUR POETS HAVE TO PUT UP WITH. + + "They who faced the terrors of the deep, Who guarded our + snores-while we were asleep." + + _Scottish Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Though his career was entirely that of a public servant, he had + personality and that self-evident efficiency which mark a man out + for promotion."--_Times_. + +That "though" is rather cynical. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I SAY, TAXI, I'VE ONLY GOT ENOUGH CHANGE TO PAY THE +EXACT FARE. D'YOU MIND TAKING A CHEQUE FOR THE TIP?"] + + * * * * * + +RECIPROCITY. + + [Discussing the unruliness of modern children, a correspondent + in the Press suggests that parents might exchange offspring for + educational purposes.] + + Hector, one thought alone forbade + Your stout progenitor to squirm + Through all the months the Huns essayed + To pink his epiderm-- + The thought that you, through what he'd done, + Might find a better world, my son. + + Now must you do your bit for me, + For, guided by the sage's lore, + I mean to barter progeny + With Brown, the man next door, + And educate in place of you + Bertram, his brazen-lunged Yahoo. + + Too long, too long have I been banned + From giving what he's been denied, + The checkings of a chiding hand, + Impartially applied, + But now he's going to get it, Hec + (Though not exactly in the neck). + + Exile from your ancestral hut + At first may fill your soul with pain; + If so, this filial thought should cut + Your tears off at the main: + The hours he spends across my knee + Will mean a better world for me. + + * * * * * + +IT HAPPENED IN IRELAND. + + "Mr. ---- held that purchased meat would be better than that + supplied by contractors, who were not saints. He knew of one + case where cattle were actually killed after they died."--_Irish + Times_. + +"The following has been issued by the Sinn Fein Executive:-- + + "At the weekly meeting of the Executive it was unanimously + decided to appeal to the subscribers to the Mansion House + Anti-Subscription Fund."--_Irish Times_. + + * * * * * + + "This enabled him [Mr. Bottomley] to provide a sum sufficient to + yap the other shareholders 12. in the pound."--_Evening Paper_. + +We always thought him a bit of a dog. + + * * * * * + +THE BLANKET ASTRAY. + +Now that most of us are on the point of escaping into civil life, the +relentless department to whom the W.O. entrusted the stewardship of +Army blankets is calling us to strict account as to our dealings with +these articles. + +Between us and freedom rise the accusing phantoms of blankets we +signed for and failed to return, blankets we misused as carpets, +curtains and table-cloths. The bright dawn of the new era is overcast +by their threatening shadow. + +The A.A.L.R.B.G.S.--Acting-Assistant Local Recorder of Blankets +General Service, a very important Hat indeed--some time last winter +paid us a visit and went away without complaint. We had specialised +in cherishing Blankets G.S. For fear of loss or damage none had been +issued for use, and the enthusiasm of all ranks was so warm that the +men were glad to sleep without them, if only they might go and see +for themselves the full tally of blankets folded correctly to a +hair's-breadth and piled irreproachably and unapproachably in the +stores. + +Then, three days ago, arrived a chit asking us to explain a curt +quotation from the report of the A.A.L.R.B.G.S., to the effect that + + "_There was a blanket on the table + in the store_." + +By a civilian this might be interpreted as a word of praise for our +care of the table or for the comfortable _tout ensemble_ of the +Quartermaster-Sergeant's treasure-house; but we know better. We read +it with the sensations of a householder who, after the call of a +Scotland Yard official, should be invited to explain, in an otherwise +satisfactory account of his visit, the sentence-- + + "_There was a corpse in the boot + cupboard_." + +It suggested criticism, suspicion, disapproval. In his dilemma the +O.C. replied as follows:-- + +"Owing to the fact that, in view of the paper scarcity, the keeping +of Individual History Sheets for the Blankets under my command was +discontinued early in the War, I have found it difficult to collect +evidence. I beg, however, to submit the likeliest explanations that +offer. + +"(1) Possibly the blanket was placed on the table, folded and +compressed beneath the weight of the various utensils, literature and +stationery necessary to the functioning of a B.Q.M.S., in order +that the correct regimental wrinkles, as laid down in the various +handbooks, might be made and maintained; the blanket to be used as a +model at lectures to young soldiers on the care of equipment. + +"(2) The distance between the Main Blanket Dump and the table under +suspicion is only four feet. It is in the experience of all familiar +with conditions in the Field that blankets with long service +frequently develop extreme activity. I beg to suggest that the blanket +in question may have absented itself without leave from the main dump +and proceeded as far as the table by its own locomotive power. + +"(3) About the date of the inspection the name of an N.C.O. was +submitted with a recommendation for the O.B.E., but was withdrawn on +compassionate grounds. I cannot trust my memory, but possibly the +justification of this recommendation was the N.C.O.'s zealous care of +the property of H.M. THE KING, in that he sacrificed his own blanket +for the welfare of the table." (On paper, of course, our blankets are +issued in the normal way.) "The weather at the time was inclement, +either (_a_) wet and dirty or (_b_) extremely cold. The N.C.O. was +determined that this table should be protected from the deleterious +effects of (_a_) moisture likely to result from the vicinity of the +Q.M.S., damp from out-door duties or (_b_) very low temperature, which +is known to injure such articles of furniture. + +"(4) The blanket may have been known to be likely to try to escape +from custody, and have been placed conspicuously on the table so as to +be directly under the observation of the Q.M.S. + +"(5) The table may have intended illegally to absent itself without +leave, and have concealed itself beneath the accused blanket in the +hope of eluding the vigilance of the sentries, disguised as a civilian +table, i.e. covered with a table-cloth. This theory is unlikely, the +table bearing an excellent character and never having been known to +attempt desertion or be in any way guilty of conduct contrary to good +order and military discipline. + +"(6) The Storeman--now demobilised and dispersed--may have committed +the irregularity suggested, with the idea of increasing the amenity +of the stores during the inspection, as a humble compliment to the +A.A.L.R.B.G.S. + +"(7) No. 55,442, Procter, Mary, a member of the Q.M.A.A.C., may be +correct in her statement that the article described as a 'blanket' was +not a blanket, but a rug, travelling. She says she is 'in a position +to know this,' as the article is her own property, and supports the +claim by demonstrating the presence of her initials embroidered across +one corner. + +"I await your reply." And so we all do. + + * * * * * + +VICTRIX. + + Here's a lady come to town + Puts us all to shame; + Walking in with noiseless feet, + Very light and very fleet, + Over-night she came. + Not a beauty in the land, + Though she knew no peer + Both for comeliness and grace, + But must take a second place-- + The snow is here. + + Never monarch wore, I swear, + Such a radiant dress; + All the whitenesses we prize + Suddenly before our eyes + Turn to dinginess. + Gone are all the shining joys + That we held so dear; + Linens, marbles, gleaming plumes + We must hide in shadowed glooms-- + The snow is here. + + Veil your brows, you pretty maids, + With your falling curls; + Should you venture forth to-day + Tuck your milky throats away, + Cover up your pearls. + Naught shall match your loveliness + Later in the year + (Who so foolish as to dare + Say the lily is more fair?) + But--the snow is here. + +R. F. + + * * * * * + +A MASTER OF GROTESQUE. + +The Leicester Galleries for laughter just now! For the walls of the +inner room are hung with drawings by Mr. H.M. BATEMAN, not a few of +which--such as "The Leave Wangler," and "The Man who Clung to the +Railings," and "The Infectious Hornpipe"--have already rejoiced the +readers of _Punch_. + +Mr. BATEMAN'S appeal is double, for, having enjoyed his broad or +subtle farce and his keen satirical observations, one may turn to the +admiration of his technique, or _vice versâ*_. He did not invent the +idea of the humorous sequence--the accumulative pictorial comedy; +CARAN D'ACHE had come before, and before CARAN D'ACHE was WILHELM +BUSCH, the German; but he has made it his own to-day. Some of his +series are irresistible. As a delineator of types, accurate beneath +the caricature, he is deadly; particularly, perhaps, when he turns his +attention to the Senior Service. But his Brigadiers and his Clubmen +are also always within an ace of being identifiable. + +For anyone in the dumps Mr. Punch prescribes a speedy visit to the +Leicester Galleries. + + * * * * * + + OUR PLUTOCRATIC CLERGY. + + "Curate wanted. £22. 2 churches. E.P." + + _Church Times_. + +[Illustration: _Mabel (to newly-married sister)._ "YOU DON'T MIND ME +STILL CALLING YOU 'SYBIL,' DO YOU?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +MR. JOHN GALSWORTHY is a most deceptive writer. He lures a reader on +by a display of gentleness and smoothness and moderation, and then +turns on him and makes it plain that he is really a most provocative +fellow and is engaged in matching his mind against yours. He tries +to commit you to some such statement as this: "The allegiance of the +workman in time of peace is not rendered to the State, but to himself +and his own class." Or this: "I think editors, journalists, old +gentlemen and women will be brutalised [by the War] in larger numbers +than our soldiers." Or this: "This is at once a spiritual link with +America and yet one of the great barriers to friendship between +the two peoples. We are not sure whether we are better men than +Americans." Or this: "My mind is open, and when one says that, one +generally means that it is shut." Disconcerting, very, and all to be +found in _Another Sheaf_ (HEINEMANN). Mr. GALSWORTHY'S chief object in +his little book is to arouse us to the disgrace and destruction of our +State and race if we continue to allow ourselves to be fed, not by our +own resources, but by alien corn and meat, which may so easily become +hostile corn and meat. Incidentally Mr. GALSWORTHY finds that we are +in the mass far too ugly. For instance, how few of us have chiselled +nostrils! We ought not to eat so much pure white flour. + + * * * * * + +On the second page of _The Secret City_ (MACMILLAN) Mr. HUGH WALPOLE +(or, to be meticulously correct, _Durward_, into whose mouth the story +is put) says that "there is no Russian alive for whom this book can +have any kind of value except as a happy example of the mistakes that +the Englishman can make about the Russian." Well, after finishing the +book, which is in some ways a sequel to _The Dark Forest_, I felt so +very disinclined to believe this statement that I consulted a Russian, +who is very much alive, and received the opinion that, if Mr. WALPOLE +has not succeeded in drawing the real average Russian, he has given us +a type whose faults and virtues sound the keynote of the situation as +it is to-day. Such an opinion is worth a thousand times more than any +judgment of mine, and I am glad of the opportunity to record it. From +a literary point of view it seems to me that Mr. WALPOLE, in allowing +_Durward_ to tell the tale, has created innumerable difficulties for +himself--difficulties which to a great extent have been cleverly +overcome, but which nevertheless make the story wobble dangerously +and once or twice threaten it with devastation. To me, however, the +interest never really flagged, for granted that one has a sympathy +with Russia one feels acutely what Mr. WALPOLE is aiming at and how +wonderfully he succeeds. It is not difficult to find faults: to +complain, for instance, that a strong man like _Semyonov_ would not +have taken such elaborate measures to get himself killed; but these +points are trivial in a book which is not to be read so much for its +story as for its idea. And the idea is great. + + * * * * * + +_Rollo Johnson_ was incautious enough to be born the natural son of a +peer. This fact caused just sufficient complications to keep MARY L. +PENDERED'S latest story, _The Silent Battlefield_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL), +from any threat of stagnation while she was developing the theme that +really intrigued her. This was the struggle between increasing wealth +and early-acquired Socialism as it arose in the mind of a hero working +his way up from poverty to millionairedom, a seat in the House and the +opportunity of hobnobbing with lords, suffragettes and other notables. +When I say that the two sides of the Socialist case are presented with +rather uncommon fairness you may think that is only because my own +particular creed is upheld; but really and truly I was frowning quite +as much as purring while the silent battle proceeded, and the end is +neutral enough to bring despair to all true believers. Lest you should +suppose the book all made up of election addresses I hasten to add +that, in the quiet and thoughtful way one expects of the author, the +story is a good one, the pictures of a small country town are true to +life, and the characters without exception real creatures of flesh +and blood. Remembering the puppets that so often have been made to +represent their country in a political novel, this is saying more than +a little, and if it is true that, among the ladies of the cast, one +still finds those the most attractive who have no pronounced opinions +to speak or vote about, no doubt this is just old prejudice, and, +anyway, the book is one that can be heartily commended. + + * * * * * + +The scene of _In Happy Valley_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is laid +spiritually, if not strictly geographically, in that part of the +continent of America which everybody who has gone to a cinema, hoping +against hope, knows so well. I mean the country where people have +"shooting irons" and use them on the slightest provocation to insist +that other people shall carry their hands at an absurd and wearisome +elevation, and all the men wear fringy trousers, and all the women +shawls, save the heroine, who has to be suitably arrayed for the +performance of athletic feats. I admit that I didn't feel quite at +home _In Happy Valley_, because I missed the sheriff and his posse, +and nobody held up the stage-coach; still the young doctor and the +school teacher and the ladies at the mission did their best for me, +and I found it a great help to know the language, an attainment of +which I am justifiably a little vain, for not everyone could translate +at sight to "thud" the road or "shoot up" a Christmas party. Mr. JOHN +FOX, Junr., has not placed his largest strawberries--and some of them +are quite nice ones--at the top of the basket. His first story did not +attract me as much as others further on, such as, for instance, that +excellently humorous one, "The Angel from Viper," though here and in +other places a lady called _St. Hilda_, obviously not she of Whitby, +confused me a little. I fancy that we were supposed to have made her +acquaintance in some previous book. But my real quarrel with Mr. Fox +is that he has only given walking-on parts to the actors who do best +when such tales are told upon the screen--I mean the horses. + + * * * * * + +When it is granted that books on flying by fliers have at present a +peculiar fascination, the fact still remains that what I will call +The Library of Aviation has usually been remarkably fortunate in its +contributors. _Cavalry of the Air_ (SIMPKIN, MARSHALL) is the last +flying work which it has been my good fortune to read, and the +only conceivable reason for finding fault with it is that "FLIGHT +COMMANDER" occasionally becomes a little facetious. But when that +small complaint is made I have nothing left except praise. The +author was first of all an Observer--or, as he calls it, a "Shock +Absorber"--in France, and he describes his life so that we groundlings +may understand and sympathise with every phase of it. Especially I +like the way in which he pays tribute to the infantry. In the second +part of his book he tells us of his training as a pilot; and here he +gives information which deserves to be most thoroughly studied. +The illustrations by Mr. GEOFFREY WATSON add to the charm of this +attractive volume. Of another contribution to the literature of the +air which lies before me I cannot speak so well. Lieut.-Colonel +CURTIES has an inventive mind, and in _Blake of the R.F.C._ +(SKEFFINGTON) he uses it unsparingly. But although I am ready to +believe almost anything in a book of this kind, I am bound to confess +that I found myself bewildered by this breathless romance. Indeed the +pace is so hot at the outset that even the author seems to have lost +control of it. If, however, you are craving for excitement you will +find it here. The scene is laid in Cairo, and we all know that funny +things happen in that city. Not the least funny thing that happened +to the characters in this story was the careless ease with which they +drank whisky-and-soda. But this--let me warn you--happened nearly two +years ago. + + * * * * * + +UNIQUE EXPLOIT OF A LADY-VOTER. + + "I felt a very proud woman when I walked into the ballot-box, for + the first time, and cast my vote. And it took me 4-1/2 hours to + get there and back."--_Local Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS. WARMING THE HAND BEFORE GREETING---- +----A POOR RELATION ON A COLD DAY.] + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11109 *** |