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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11109 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11109-h.htm or 11109-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/1/0/11109/11109-h/11109-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/1/0/11109/11109-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+FEBRUARY 12, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Officers," says a recent A.C.I., "may use their public chargers for
+general purposes." Army circles regard this as a body blow at the
+taxi-sharks.
+
+       ***
+
+"I had a thrill the other night," writes a correspondent of _The Daily
+Mail._ "I encountered a badger on Hampstead Heath." We hesitate to
+think what he would have encountered if he had had two or three
+thrills.
+
+       ***
+
+The United States Immigration Bill now before Congress provides that
+"an alien resident may be joined by his grandfather if over
+fifty-five years of age." A proposal to extend the privilege to
+great-grandfathers who have turned their sixtieth year appears to have
+met with no success.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is highly probable," says the chief medical officer of the Local
+Government Board, "that masks and goggles will be necessary to ensure
+freedom from infection from influenza." People who refuse to adopt
+this simple preventative should be compelled by law to breathe
+exclusively through their ears.
+
+       ***
+
+The sensational report that the new Director-General of Housing has
+already found a house turns out to be unfounded. It is no secret,
+however, that the Department is on the track of several.
+
+       ***
+
+"There is a Members' cloak-room," says a contemporary in "Hints
+to M.P.'s," "where an attendant will take your coat and hat." So
+different from those other political clubs where another member
+usually takes them.
+
+       ***
+
+SHAKSPEARE on Glasgow: "For this relief much tanks.".
+
+       ***
+
+The salute, says a correspondent, is being reintroduced into the
+German Army. Kicking an officer on the parade-ground for other than
+political reasons is also forbidden.
+
+       ***
+
+The Consumers' Council urge, _inter alia,_ "that the Food Ministry
+ought to be retained so long as there is any need of food control."
+This view is regarded as entirely too narrow by officials of the
+Ministry, who feel that the public is just beginning to love them for
+themselves alone.
+
+       ***
+
+A sale of ninety specially-selected mules is announced to take place
+at Tattersall's to-morrow. In the technical language of the live-stock
+trade a "specially-selected" mule is one which has a clear reach of
+six feet at either end.
+
+       ***
+
+"The Government must say what it will do," states _The Daily Mail_.
+Waiting for _The Daily Mail_ to say it first must not be allowed to
+degenerate into a mere mechanical habit.
+
+       ***
+
+For impersonating a voter a carpenter of Gloucester has just been
+sentenced to a month's imprisonment. Where he succeeded in obtaining
+the disguise from is not known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHEN TAKING A NEW HOUSE ALWAYS EMPLOY A PROFESSIONAL
+DRAUGHT DETECTOR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LOVE TRAGEDY.
+
+He was a smart new clinical thermometer. She was a pretty nurse in
+an influenza ward. His figurings were clear and his quicksilver
+glittered. Her eyes were blue and a little curl peeped from under her
+cap. He fell madly in love with her; and when her dainty fingers toyed
+with him his little heart swelled to bursting and he registered all he
+could.
+
+So when she took her morning temperatures her patients were
+desperately high, and when the other nurse took them in the evening
+they were three degrees lower; and the doctors were much perplexed.
+
+They put the love-struck thermometer in a tumbler of warm water with
+two others to test him; and, freed from her influence, he recorded
+correctly. Learned authorities on medical research meditated
+pamphlets, on the new variation of the universal plague.
+
+Then came a morning when the pretty nurse, after too many cigarettes
+the night before, took her own temperature. For the adoring
+thermometer the supreme moment had arrived. In rapturous ecstasy at
+the touch of her dear lips he rose to heights of exaltation that left
+his other efforts far behind. "Drat the thing," exclaimed the pretty
+nurse, putting him down nastily, "I've got it myself now," and went
+off to bed. He, broken-hearted, rolled off the table and died.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONG MEMORIES.
+
+"I remember," said a veteran of nineteen, "when there was a hansom at
+the stand at the corner."
+
+"Oh, that's nothing," said a venerable spinster of twenty-one. "I've
+been, to dances with a female chaperon where there was no smoking on
+the stairs, and some people danced a thing they called a 'tango.'"
+
+"When I was working on the land," resumed the first speaker, "I had a
+day off and went to lunch with people close by. The man who sat next
+me was a judge and asked me what an 'old bean' meant."
+
+"Oh, cut it out!" interposed an aged matron who had not hitherto taken
+any part in the conversation. "When I was born there was no _Daily
+Mail,_ when I went to school I was taught to play the piano with my
+fingers, and when I married people hadn't begun to 'jazz.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW GAME OF BAWL.
+
+    "An open howling handicap will be held at Talleres, F.C.S., next
+    Sunday."
+
+    _Standard (Buenos Ayres)_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At a meeting of the newly-formed British and Allied Waiters',
+    Chefs' and Employees' Union the president said that one of
+    their main objects was to stop enemy aliens from spoiling their
+    business. They must do this themselves."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+And some of them, it must be admitted, have been making considerable
+efforts in this direction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDENTULOUS PERSONS.
+
+It happened a long time ago. Higgins, Mackenzie and I, three
+irresponsible subalterns, had been lent to the Government of India
+for famine relief work. One Sunday we foregathered in the cool of the
+evening at a dak bungalow, near the point where our three districts
+met, to compare notes and to swap lies.
+
+"How are you getting on?" I asked Higgins.
+
+"I'm not getting on at all. I'm just stagnating. I do all my work and
+draw my pay, and there's the end of it. I'm sure the regiment has
+forgotten all about me, and in fact no one seems to be aware of my
+existence."
+
+"Why not write to the Government of India about it?" remarked
+Mackenzie.
+
+"Yes, I'm sure that's the best thing to do," I agreed. "The Collector
+in my district is always writing to the Government of India, and the
+Government prints all he writes and sends it round with remarks and
+decisions. He will get all sorts of honours and rewards out of this
+famine."
+
+"Yes. But what shall I write?" asked Higgins. "If I simply say there
+is a chap called Higgins who is terribly bored and wants some notice
+taken of him, they won't print that sort of tosh."
+
+"Not that particular kind of tosh, perhaps," agreed Mackenzie. "You've
+got to write about your work and ask for a decision on some point or
+other. Then they'll remember your existence; and if you write often
+enough you will gradually crawl out of obscurity into the limelight.
+Almost anything will do to start with."
+
+"Well, I found an old woman to-day in one of my camps who could not
+eat her ration, because she had no teeth. Can you make anything out of
+that?" asked Higgins.
+
+"We'll have a shot at it anyway," replied Mackenzie. He pulled a sheet
+of note-paper and a pencil out of his pocket and wrote the following
+draft:--"There are in the famine camps in my area some toothless old
+people who cannot eat the ordinary ration. What shall I do about it?"
+
+"The gist of the letter is all right," I said, "but the style wants
+polishing. Higgins's education will be gauged by our style. Cross out
+'some toothless old people' and write 'certain edentulous persons.'
+Put 'masticate' instead of 'eat.' Then you must not say, 'What shall I
+do about it?' That sounds too helpless. You, or rather Higgins, must
+appear as a man of unbounded initiative and resource. You must write,
+'I suggest that a special ration of soft food be issued to such
+persons.' That will help the Government of India to solve a very
+difficult problem, and Higgins will earn its eternal gratitude."
+
+The amendments were passed unanimously. Higgins copied out the letter
+in his best handwriting and sent it off through the long and winding
+channels by which subalterns on famine duty communicate with the
+heaven-born ones who sit on the far-off hills.
+
+We separated next day, and I forgot all about the matter until three
+weeks later, when, going through my official mail, the name Patrick
+Aloysius Higgins caught my eye. There was our letter printed in full,
+and below it was the epoch-making decision of the Government: "A
+special ration of soft food may be issued to edentulous persons in
+famine camps."
+
+Higgins's success evidently provoked Mackenzie to emulate it. Some
+time later I received another printed document. After the usual
+official opening, with its reference numbers, etc., it ran as follows:
+"There are in the famine camps in this area certain persons who,
+though not edentulous, are yet unable to masticate the ordinary
+ration. Though they have some teeth, the teeth are all in one jaw.
+May such persons be considered as edentulous for the purposes of the
+decision referred to above? Signed, JAMES DOUGLAS MACKENZIE." The
+Government was again pleased to record its approval.
+
+The letter roused my jealousy. Higgins and Mackenzie, by the use of
+my distinguished literary style, had both got well along the road to
+fame, whilst I was still languishing in obscurity. Something must be
+done about it. I took a pen and wrote: "There are in the famine camps
+in this area certain persons who, though they are not edentulous and
+though they have some teeth in both jaws, are yet unable to masticate
+the ordinary ration because the teeth in the upper jaw correspond
+with the gaps in the lower, and _vice versa_. May such persons
+be considered as edentulous for the purposes of the two previous
+decisions?"
+
+I sent the letter off to the Government of India. The reply came by
+return of post:--
+
+"The Government of India, in response to representations, has
+authorised the issue of a special ration of soft food to edentulous
+persons in famine camps. In the interpretation of the term
+'edentulous' considerable latitude may be permitted, and is indeed
+desirable, so that it may in practice be applied to many individuals
+who, according to meticulous physiological standards, should not be
+so classified. The determining factor in the application of the
+term should be the inability of the individual concerned to extract
+sufficient nutriment from the normal ration, owing to imperfect
+mastication. Such persons will invariably exhibit symptoms of
+mal-nutrition or cacotrophy.
+
+"The Government is confident that the foregoing general ruling will
+enable junior and inexperienced officers, temporarily employed
+on famine duty, to classify appropriately and with facility as
+denticulate or edentulous all individuals afflicted with dental
+hiatus, mal-conformation and labefaction, without further reference to
+higher authority."
+
+As I read the letter with the help of a dictionary, it dawned upon me
+that the Government of India had won the game beyond all doubt and
+peradventure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO SAINT VALENTINE.
+
+  Patron of hearts and darts and smarts
+    (Which, I suspect, you stole
+  From Cupid, when the Pagan arts--
+  Which only edified in parts--
+    Took on an aureole),
+
+  And patron of the robins, who
+    Select your day to mate
+  (An act, from any point of view,
+  Considering what March can do,
+    Rash and precipitate),
+
+  We seek no boon for any friend
+    (Or lover, if you like);
+  We only ask that you will send,
+  If saintly powers so far extend,
+    On day without its strike.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRUG HABIT--ALARMING DEVELOPMENT.
+
+    "The old-fashioned doctor is scandalised at the trade union
+    movement in the profession. In extreme cases he is said to be
+    taking his own medicines."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from _The London Customs Bill of Entry_, January 25th:--
+
+    "Import, s. @ Rotterdam, of Holland, 175 bdls baskets containing
+    700 strikes."
+
+We always suspected they were of foreign origin; and here we have
+"manifest" proof.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of Col. F.B. MILDMAY'S speech:--
+
+    "Just as an accomplished horseman exercised ideal control over the
+    strongest horse with the lightest hand, so Mr. Lowther had shown
+    such tactful skill in handling them that those who had sat under
+    him had bus-consciously been disposed to accept his guidance."
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+A praiseworthy effort of the printer to keep up the metaphor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+[Illustration: THE VICTIM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PATRIOT PIG.
+
+Last Spring I was discussing food with our local doctor. Last Spring
+it was quite a favourite topic.
+
+"Now," I said, "we can manage to scratch along somehow. But next
+year..."
+
+The Doctor, a hearty man, gave me a smashing blow on the shoulder. "I
+have it!" he trumpeted. "We'll start a Patriot Pig Club."
+
+Before he left I found myself an important pillar of the scheme.
+Pillars, you know, are the parts of an edifice that bear the weight.
+Their function is to be sat upon by the arches. In this case the
+arches were Jones the doctor and Perkins the butcher.
+
+The Committee began sitting. I put five pounds into the preliminary
+pool and promised them all my pig-swill. I know I did, because the
+Doctor came straight from the meeting to my house to tell me I had,
+and to collect the cheque.
+
+The pigs arrived. I myself and a number of other enthusiasts turned
+out to welcome them. The Doctor, I remember, made a happy little
+speech, and we all laughed a lot. The Committee were very pleased with
+themselves. They _were_ dear little chaps--the pigs, I mean--very
+small, of course, but that gave me the opening for what was
+undoubtedly the most successful sally of the afternoon. Someone said
+they weighed five pounds apiece. "One pound per pound," I remarked.
+
+A week later the Doctor called for my second instalment. "Pig going
+strong," he chattered gaily while I wrote out the cheque; "best of a
+good litter--bust its pink ribbon yesterday; twice the weight it was
+when it came."
+
+It was on the tip of my tongue to repeat my witticism, which was still
+true, but I refrained.
+
+I paid the first dozen five-pound instalments without comment. Up till
+then I had been fully occupied in studying how FOCH was getting on
+with the other sort of pig over there. But now I began to think.
+
+I was thinking heavily when I put on my hat, but when I reached the
+premises of the Patriot Pigs I was thinking things that I prefer not
+to talk about. To begin with, they were housing the poor little beasts
+in a place you wouldn't dream of inflicting on the poorest labourer.
+And the overcrowding! And the dirt! And the pigs themselves! They were
+positively uncanny. There was something almost human about them. They
+were all heads and no bodies. It was just as though the other half of
+the wits of the half-witted boy who looked after them had distributed
+itself among the whole herd. I could have wept when I thought how
+my purse and my swill-tub had been emptied to keep such puny
+monstrosities in the land of the living.
+
+I had my pig taken out and weighed. He turned the scale at forty-eight
+pounds.
+
+A week later I went and weighed him again; he had shrunk to forty.
+
+I am a man of action. In a flash my mind was made up. I put him on a
+string and led him home.
+
+My wife seemed rather surprised when we entered the drawing-room, but
+I hastened to explain.
+
+"I paid five pounds," I said, "for a five-pound pig. Since then I 've
+paid fifty-five pounds more, and I have been led to expect, that at
+the very least the pig was keeping pace. But it isn't. The sterling
+is increasing by leaps and bounds; the avoirdupois is not even
+stationary. That's not counting several tons of swill that ought to
+be inside him but aren't. It can't go on." I paused and added darkly,
+"That pig shall not return."
+
+"But surely you're not going to have him live with _us_, Henry?"
+
+I controlled myself.
+
+"No, Maria," I said, "I am not. At a late hour to-night we will take
+him out into the country and lose him."
+
+"Oh, Henry," she began, "supposing--"
+
+I interrupted gently but firmly.
+
+"My mind," said I, "like BERT COOTE'S, is made up. He is my pig and I
+may do what I like with him. There is no law against one losing one's
+pig. Besides, he is ruining me."
+
+At 10 P.M. we set out _en famille_. It was July. I remember the date
+rather particularly because it was just then that they ceased to
+ration bacon altogether. At 10.30 the pig was safely lost. At 11 the
+front-door closed upon us. At 11.1 little Willy Perkins, the butcher's
+son, arrived with the pig and claimed something for restoring lost
+property.
+
+A man with a position to keep up simply can't afford to be caught in
+the act of feloniously making away with pigs in war-time; besides
+DORA was still alive and she might have something to say; so I had to
+pretend how pleased I was, and I gave the scamp half-a-crown.
+
+Now I know Perkins and Son well enough to realise that if the animal
+had been worth more than half-a-crown they would have allowed me to
+lose my pig free of charge. So I made another resolution. It was
+pretty drastic, but in a crisis like this severe measures are often
+the best. In short, it was murder I contemplated--nothing less.
+
+I went to work carefully. I let four months slip by to allay any
+possible suspicion. I paid my weekly cheque without being asked;
+without a murmur I parted daily with my swill; in fact I comported
+myself as though the unholy plot maturing in my breast was
+nonexistent.
+
+At length the night arrived. I took down my long magazine Lee Enfield
+and my cartridge (I am not a Volunteer for nothing) and crept to the
+Patriot Pig H.Q.
+
+The once-crowded sty lay dark and still. I entered and switched on my
+torch: it shone on the loathsome features that I knew so well. He was
+all alone, so there could be no mistake. His head was as large
+as ever, but his body seemed scarcely visible. I weighed him; he
+registered fourteen pounds.:
+
+I will not harrow you, my reader, with details. Suffice it to say my
+nerve was sure, my eye true and my hand steady. I killed that pig with
+a single shot and went home to bed.
+
+The Doctor arrived next morning while I was shaving. He was white with
+rage. He said:
+
+"What the deuce do you mean by killing my pig?"
+
+"_Your_ pig ?" I smiled. "No, _my_ Pig!"
+
+"Stuff and nonsense!" he spluttered. "_Your_ pig died four months
+ago--caught cold last July through being out so late at night and died
+next day."
+
+That roused me. "Do you mean to tell me," I asked coldly, "that I've
+been paying five pounds a week for the last four months for a dead
+pig?"
+
+"Very kind of you, I'm sure," replied the Doctor, "but no one asked
+you to, you know."
+
+Adding together all my expenses--the weekly subscription for my pig;
+a similar sum paid to the Doctor for his; the value of my swill; the
+fine imposed (by DORA) for improper use of firearms; ditto (by the
+Magistrate) for shooting game without a licence; alleged damage to the
+P.P. premises and the remaining wits of their custodian; and finally,
+the bill from Mr. Perkins for a pound of pork purchased in July, and
+the account from Dr. Jones for professional attendance subsequent to
+consumption of same--adding all these together I find that from first
+to last I disbursed £385 5s. 5-1/2d. on the patriot.
+
+With pork at two shillings a pound my outlay should have produced a
+pig that weighed 1 ton 14-1/2 cwt. Truly that would have been a very
+Hindenburg of a pig. It was almost worth trying.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR EUPHEMISTS.
+
+    "General Servant wanted, by middle of February; no small
+    family."_--Oxford Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Proprietor (to assistant recently released from the
+Army)._ "WHY, WHATEVER MADE YOU OFFER TO SEND THE GOODS HOME FOR HER?
+ANY FOOL COULD TELL YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF CIVILISATION DURING THE WAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE SPEAKER ON HIS RE-ELECTION.
+
+  Good Mr. SPEAKER, in this troublous time,
+  When it is hard to string a cheerful rhyme,
+  Your genial influence unshaken bides
+  Amid the flux of shifting sands and tides;
+  And, re-electing you by acclamation,
+  The Parliament has acted for the nation,
+  Which, while acknowledging the Members' _nous_,
+  Congratulates not you, Sir, but the House.
+
+  'Tis fourteen years since you were called to bear
+  The heavy burdens of your "perilous Chair"--
+  What years, what burdens! Yet your steadfast mien
+  Has never failed to dominate the scene.
+  Others have found the post a giant's robe
+  Or lacked the needful patience of a Job;
+  But you, by dint of fearless common sense,
+  Have won and held all Parties' confidence;
+  Firm as the rock and as the crystal clear,
+  When need arises righteously austere,
+  Ready, not eager, your advice to lend,
+  And not afraid in season to unbend.
+
+  Thus, tested by a strain that very few,
+  If any, of your predecessors knew,
+  You come at last, among the lesser fry,
+  To loom so largely in the public eye,
+  That, we regard you, greatest of your clan,
+  More as an institution than a man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REST-CURE.
+
+    "Will young officer requiring rest help farmer catch rabbits for a
+    month?"--_Church Family Newspaper_.
+
+THE RETURN.
+
+It was at tea last Sunday that we met for the first time for
+three-and-a-half years. He was sadly altered. To the casual observer
+he may still appear his own attractive self; the change in him is
+deeper.
+
+He isn't what he was, but none the less it is wonderfully delightful
+to have him among us again. A girl at the next table noticed him and
+spoke smilingly to her companion. But I--I sat and looked at him and
+never said a word.
+
+Before the War I was fond of him, but I doubt if I could ever have
+realised how much I should miss him; and nothing has brought home
+to me so surely the astounding fact that at last it is over as his
+return.
+
+Sitting opposite to him here brought back the jolly memories of other
+teas in that distant pre-war life of ours--memories of bright faces,
+gentle clatter of cups, charm of soft clothes, strange forgotten sense
+of comforts, and one particular smile; and, throwing off from me the
+gathering gloom of the war-weary, I dug my fork joyously into his
+brown bosom and raised the chocolate _éclair_ to my lips.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "By placing a lemon in the oven for a few minutes nearly the
+    entire pulp turns to juice. When next you want orange-juice try
+    this."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
+
+But why not use an orange?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "As a woman married to an Army officer for nineteen years I do not
+    consider that I could possibly, on less than our present income,
+    provide my children and husband with the necessary education and
+    comfort."--_Letter in Daily Paper_.
+
+Some husbands take a lot of educating.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Assistant Paymaster_, "HOW LONG WERE YOU IN YOUR LAST
+JOB?" _"Hostilities Only" Man_. "THREE MONTHS, SIR." _A.P._ "WHAT WERE
+YOU DOING?" _H.O.M._ "THREE MONTHS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN WHO STAYED AT HOME
+
+(A SOLILOQUY AFTER A DAY'S WORK AT THE MINISTRY OF FOOD).
+
+    [Sir JOHN FIELD BEALE, formerly First Secretary of the Ministry of
+    Food, has been in consultation with the Supreme Council for Supply
+    and Relief in Paris. Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE has just returned from
+    a mission of inquiry into the food situation in Austria.]
+
+    Let others speed to far Sequanian shores
+    To end the War that was to end all wars,
+    Where peace-pursuing Discord loud debates
+    And all hotels are packed with Delegates;
+    Where pundits in the Parliament of Man
+    Discuss or Georgian or Wilsonian Plan;
+    Where fickle Fate dispenses weal or woe
+    Respectively assigned to friend and foe;
+    Where Cornucopia meekly comes to heel
+    Under instructions from Sir JOHN FIELD BEALE.
+
+    Let others in Icarian feats engage
+    With the ingenious aid of HANDLEY PAGE;
+    Haste to discover all that may be known
+    About the situation in Cologne;
+    Or, like Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE, to appease
+    The clamourings of esurient Viennese--
+    In none of these things Fortune waits for me,
+    Nor Knighthood cheap, nor unctuous O.B.E.
+    Ah, not for me to note with facile pen
+    Successive stages of the L. of N.
+    With calorimetric and statistic arts
+    Administer the prog of Foreign Parts,
+    Or, eager not to do the thing by halves,
+    To reconcile the Czechs and Jugo-Slavs--
+    I will, resigning honours, kudos, pelf,
+    Administer hot cocoa to myself;
+    Then to repose; for it is truly said
+    The best location of mankind is BED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EMANCIPATION.
+
+    "Wanted by respectable woman, a couple of Gentleman's Trousers
+    (left off)."--_Irish Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Caproni machine flew a distance of 325 miles in four
+    fours."--_Scottish Paper._
+
+A correspondent writes to ask if this is double the time usually
+described as "two two's."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At 11 o'clock the muster roll at many shops and offices was still
+    incomplete. Indeed assistants were reported 'missing' at many
+    establishments an hour later. There were girls--Government and
+    others--who stayed at home."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+Little pigs who wouldn't go to market.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Bolton on Saturday the United Textile Factory Workers'
+    Association decided to put forward a demand for a 4-hours week,
+    with the same rate of pay as for 55-1/2 hours."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+We trust this is a misprint and not an "intelligent anticipation" of
+what we are coming to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The teachers of ---- are not satisfied with the scale of salary
+    fixed by the Education Committee, and yesterday morning a
+    deputation waited upon the Special Salaries Committee to state
+    their case. The Education Committee decided to increase the salary
+    of the borough Director of Education from £450 to £500."
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+And if that don't satisfy 'em--Bolshevism, my dear Sir, Bolshevism!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The General (showing his nieces round Club_). "THERE'S
+BEEN A LOT OF ARM-CHAIR FIGHTING DONE IN THIS ROOM." _School-Girl._
+"HOW TOPPING! THAT BEATS PILLOW-FIGHTING. BUT ISN'T IT RATHER
+DANGEROUS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+  OLD HEN-PECK.
+
+  Captain Edwin Peck, E.N.,
+  Had the habits of a hen.
+  Edwin's nose was like a bone,
+  And his teeth were not his own;
+  Neither, I regret to tell,
+  Did they fit him very well.
+  It was not his fault, no doubt,
+  That they tried to tumble out,
+  And in fact he seldom dropped them,
+  For he almost always copped them
+  Just as they became unstuck
+  By ejaculating, "Cluck."
+
+  Yoked to this elusive plate,
+  Did our Edwin curse his fate?
+  No, he was content to live,
+  For he was inquisitive.
+  If he saw a speck of grit
+  He must needs examine it,
+  Not as any other might,
+  Standing at his proper height,
+  But with body slightly slanted
+  And his head obliquely canted,
+  While with small unblinking eye
+  He surveyed it wickedly.
+
+  One fine Sunday Captain Peek
+  Stalked along the lower deck,
+  Pausing now and then to stare,
+  Poking here and scratching there,
+
+  Like a pullet in her prime
+  Clucking softly all the time.
+  Presently the Captain spied
+  One small scuttle open wide.
+  "Cluck!" he said, and likewise. "Tut!
+
+  "Every scuttle should be shut;"
+  And with a malignant snort
+  Poked his head out through the port.
+
+  That was easy, but, alack!
+  When he tried to get it back
+  There was heard an angry cluck--
+  Captain Edwin Peck was stuck!
+
+  Strange at first as it appears,
+  He had overlooked his ears;
+  But it's not so queer, perhaps,
+  When you ask, "Have hens got flaps?"
+
+  Silence! You'd have heard a pin
+  Fall upon the deck within,
+  Till the Bloke was heard to shout,
+  "Stick it, Sir! We'll get you out!"
+
+  Everybody had a go--
+  Chief, Commander, P.M.O.,
+  Padre, Carpenter and Stoker,
+  Using engine-grease and poker,
+  Hawser, marlin-spike and soap,
+  Till at length they gave up hope,
+  For, in spite of all they did,
+  Edwin fitted like a lid.
+
+  Suddenly upon the scene
+  Came a German submarine.
+  Then a flash, a roar, a groan;
+  "We are sinking like a stone!"
+  Cried the Bloke with angry frown;
+  "Can we leave poor Peck to drown?
+  Really, this is _too_ absurd;"
+  Then a miracle occurred.
+
+  As the cold green waters roll
+  Round poor Edwin in his hole,
+  Are the watchers wrong in thinking
+  That the Captain's neck is shrinking?
+  As she took her final list on,
+  Sighing, "üdor mén äriston!"
+  Long-enduring Captain Peck
+  Gracefully withdrew his neck,
+  Poked it out again and spoke
+  To the sorrow-stricken Bloke:
+  "Nothing more that we can do?
+  No? Then sound the 'Sove kee poo!'"
+
+  Need I tell how Captain Peck
+  Was the last to leave the wreck,
+  How the good ship perished, or
+  How he brought them safe to shore,
+  Landing, after all his men,
+  Clucking softly like a hen?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Up-to date quotation for foot-sore Londoners: "Et Tube, brute!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+One reads a lot nowadays about the "slavery" of various habits (drug,
+drink, bigamy, etc.) and loud is the outcry. But there is yet another
+bondage, just as binding and far more widespread, which nobody ever
+seems to mention, namely, the drill habit. Drill the young soldier up
+in the way he should go and for ever after his body will spring to the
+word of command, whether his soul approves or no.
+
+Once upon a time two men turned up in a railway construction camp deep
+in the Rhodesian bush. They were a silent, furtive, friendless pair,
+dwelling apart, and nobody could discover whence they came, whither
+they were bound, or, in fact, anything about them. It was generally
+conceded that they had some horrid secret to bury (camp optimists
+voted for "murder") and left it at that. Time went by and so did the
+rail-head, leaving the two mysteries behind as permanent-way gangers.
+Solitude seemed to suit them. Years passed along and still the two
+remained in that abomination of desolation guarding their stretch of
+track and their horrid secret. Then one day ROBERTS rolled by on his
+way to Victoria Falls, and, his train halting to tank-up, the old
+Field-Marshal stepped ashore and called to the two gangers, who
+happened to be close at hand tinkering at their trolley. The guard,
+who was taking a bottle of Bass with the steward on the platform of
+the diner, suddenly jabbed his friend in the brisket.
+
+"Look, for the love of Mike!" he giggled.
+
+The two gangers were standing talking to "BOBS," shoulder to shoulder,
+heels together, feet spread at an angle of forty-five degrees, knees
+braced, thumbs behind the seams of their trousers, backs hollowed,
+heads erect--in short in the correct position of attention as decreed
+in the Book of Infantry Training. The old man finished speaking and
+the two saluted smartly and broke away. The steward looked at his
+friend and nodded, "Old soldiers."
+
+"Old deserters, you mean," retorted the guard. "_Now_ we know."
+
+The drill habit had been too strong for those two fugitives even after
+ten years.
+
+The other night our Babe, as Orderly Officer, sat up alone in the
+Mess, consuming other people's cigarettes and whisky until midnight,
+then, being knocked up by the Orderly Sergeant, gave the worthy fellow
+a tot to restore circulation, pulled on his gum-boots and sallied
+forth on the rounds. By 12.45 he had assured himself that the line
+guards were functioning in the prescribed "brisk and soldierly
+manner," and that the horses were all properly tucked up in bed, and
+so turned for home.
+
+He paused at the cross-roads to hear the end of the Sergeant's
+reminiscences of happy days when he, the Sergeant, (then full-private,
+full in more senses than one) had held the responsible position of
+beer-taster to a regiment at Jaipurbad ("an ideal drinkin' climate,
+Sir"), then, dismissing the old connoisseur, continued on his way
+bedward.
+
+It must have been one o'clock by then, a black wind-noisy night. As
+the Babe turned into the home straight, he saw a light flash for an
+instant in a big cart-shed opposite the Mess--just a flicker as of a
+match scratched and instantly extinguished.
+
+This struck him as curious; it was no weather or hour for decent folk
+to be abroad. The Babe then remembered that the mess-cart was in the
+shed, and it occurred to him that somebody might be monkeying with the
+harness. He thereupon marched straight for the shed (treading quite
+noiselessly in his gum-boots) and, pulling out his electric torch,
+flashed it, not on some cringing Picard peasant, as he had expected,
+but on three unshorn, unwashed, villainous, whopping big Bosch
+infantrymen! It would be difficult to say who was the most staggered
+for the moment, the Huns blinking in the sudden glare of the torch
+or the Babe well aware that he was up against a trio of escaped and
+probably quite desperate prisoners of war. "Victory," says M. HILAIRE
+BELLOC (or was it NAPOLEON? I am always getting them mixed) "is to him
+who can bring the greatest force to bear on a given position." That
+is as may be, but, after personal participation in one or two of
+the major disputes in the late lamented war, I put it this way. Two
+opposing factions bump, utter chaos reigns supreme and the side which
+recovers first wins. In this case the Babe was the first to recover. A
+year before the War he found himself in a seminary in the suburbs of
+Berlin, learning to cough his vowels, roll his r's and utter German
+phonetically. Potsdam was near at hand, and many a pleasant hour did
+the Babe spend on a bench outside the old Stadt Palast, watching young
+recruits of the Prussian Guard having their souls painfully extracted
+from them by _Feldwebels_ of great muzzle velocity and booting force.
+The sight of those three Hun uniforms standing before him must have
+pricked a memory, which in turn set some sub-conscious mechanism to
+work, for suddenly the Babe heard a voice bawling orders in German. It
+was fully five seconds, he swears, before he recognised it as his own.
+"Attention!" snarled the voice in proper Potsdammer style. "Quick
+march! Right wheel!" The three great hooligans trembled all over,
+clicked their heels and stepped off the mark as punctiliously as
+though on the Tempelhofer Feld at the Spring Parade.
+
+In two minutes the Babe, snarling like a Zoo tiger at dinner-time,
+had manoeuvred them across a hundred yards of bog and filed them,
+goose-stepping, into a Nissen Hut full of sleeping Atkinses. The
+Atkinses rolled, gaping, off their beds at the Babe's first shout, and
+the game was up.
+
+Ten minutes later the Bosch gentlemen were _en route_ for the main
+guard under strong, if _déshabillé_, escort.
+
+It turned out that one of them spoke English quite badly and on
+reaching the Guard Room he opened out.
+
+They had escaped from a prison camp at Abbeville, he said, and were
+heading for Holland, travelling by night.
+
+Passing the farm at about midnight they espied our hooded mess-cart
+and, feeling tired and footsore, had conceived the bright idea of
+stealing a horse to fit the cart and driving to Holland in style and
+comfort. Just as they were getting things shipshape along came the
+Babe and clapped the lid on--"_verfluchte kleine Teufel_!"
+
+When the Main Guard lads inquired how it was that after all their
+trouble they had allowed one lone unarmed infant to corral the three
+of them, instead of quietly biffing him on the head, as they quite
+easily might have done, the Huns were very confused. At one moment
+they were in the shed, they said, fascinated like moths in the glare
+of the torch, and the next thing they knew they were in the midst of a
+horde of underclothed Tommies--trapped. As to what had happened in the
+interval, or how they had been spirited from one place to the other,
+they were not in the least clear--couldn't explain it at all.
+
+The Drill Habit again.
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARMISTICE-TIME ECONOMY.
+
+    "The Consecrating Officers were elected Honorary Members of the
+    Lodge and were presented with a souvenir in the form of a solid
+    silver cigar ash-tray, made from the lead used in the production
+    of shrapnel bullets."
+
+    _Freemason's Chronicle_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Several persons dropped to the pavement, several dripping with
+    blood. One man had his head partially opened, and he lay writing
+    on the ground."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+If the poor fellow was, as we presume, a reporter, we cannot too much
+applaud his devotion to duty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEWS FROM THE SHIRES.
+
+_Customer_. "WELL, JARVIS, WHAT'S THE LATEST?"
+
+_Farrier_. "I HEAR AS HOW THAT ADMIRAL BEATTY IS LIKELY TO BECOME A
+PUBLIC MAN."
+
+_Customer_. "HOW DO YOU MEAN?"
+
+_Farrier_. "WHY, I HEAR SOME TALK OF HIM BEING MASTER OF THE QUORN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BET.
+
+The Colonel was, as usual, laying down the law.
+
+"Economy!" he said with a snort; "economy's dead. No one cares about
+saving money any more. No one cares about the value of money. We
+are asked excessive prices and we pay them. We eat, drink and are
+merry--or approximately so--and be hanged to you! With the exception
+of the halfpenny stamp we put on circulars I can think of nothing that
+has not gone up or, in other words, lost buying power. I defy anyone
+to name a thing that hasn't."
+
+He glowered fiercely and challengingly around.
+
+"I repeat," he said, "that the purchasing power of money is not what
+it was in any respect. The other day, for instance, I bought a new
+hat. I used to pay a guinea; it is now thirty-two and six. And a worse
+hat probably. What do you think I was charged for soling and heeling
+shoes? One pound ten! And worse leather. That's partly what I mean
+by the loss of purchasing power; where the price may in some
+extraordinary way remain the same, the quality of the article paid for
+is inferior. There's a steady deterioration. Can anyone name a case
+where I am wrong?"
+
+His red eyes again defied us.
+
+"Yes, I can," said a meek voice.
+
+The Colonel subjected the speaker to a long and ferocious scrutiny.
+
+"You can'?" he said at last.
+
+"Yes," replied the meek voice. "Will you bet on it?"
+
+"Bet on it? Most certainly I will," said the Colonel, who has done
+fairly well in wagers in his time. "How much?"
+
+"What you like," replied the meek voice.
+
+"Very well," said the Colonel, "make it a tenner."
+
+"With pleasure," was the rejoinder. "The bet is that I can't name a
+single thing which has not either increased in price or decreased in
+quality since the War?"
+
+"Yes," said the Colonel.
+
+We all sat up and waited, as though for the maroons in the old, old
+days.
+
+"Well," said the meek voice, "the cost of pulling a communication cord
+is I still five pounds, and you can have just as good a pull as ever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SAFE SIDE.
+
+  "Why, what's this, Ben, they're telling me?--
+  Eighty and going to get a wife!
+  Gaffer, I thought you'd surely be
+  A snug old bachelor for life."
+
+  "Well, Sur, ye see I allus meant
+  To take ole Martha some fine day;
+  But 'wed in haste and then repent'
+  I heer'd as many folks did say.
+
+  "But now, thinks I, there's sure no fear
+  Through too much haste o' goin' wrong;
+
+  "An', anyways, at eighty year
+  I can't repent fur wery long."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREATEST PATRIOT OF ALL: A public servant who did not strike
+during the War--Big Ben.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EFFECT ON BALLROOM IF, OWING TO THE STRIKE MANIA, THE
+MUSICIANS WERE SUDDENLY TO "DOWN INSTRUMENTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE APPOINTMENT.
+
+  They tell me there is work for most,
+      However tired they be,
+  That there are Offices engrossed
+  In finding me a well-paid post
+      Of suitable degree;
+  That there are businesses that itch
+  To make the young lieutenant rich,
+  Yet I have not discovered which
+      Is itching after me.
+
+  And this is strange; for I could shine
+      In any place you please,
+  Although, if there is any line
+  Which is most obviously mine,
+      It is the man of ease--
+  The man whose intellect is such
+  He never has to labour much,
+  But does the literary touch
+      In comfort at "The Leas."
+
+  Or I could be a splendid Squire
+      And watch the harvest grow,
+  Could urge the reaper to perspire
+  And put the cattle in the byre
+      (If that is where they go),
+  And every morning do the rounds
+  Of my immense ancestral grounds
+  With six or seven faithful hounds,
+      And say, "It looks like snow."
+
+  And there are moments when I feel
+      The diplomatic call;
+  No trickery would long conceal
+  The state of things at Bubazeel
+      When I was at the Ball,
+  To spy across the "brilliant floors"
+  On daughters of Ambassadors,
+  And "obviate" impending wars
+      By dancing with them all.
+
+  A bishopric I can't afford,
+      Though I could give it tone,
+  And often when the people snored
+  I've felt they would not be so bored
+      By sermons of my own;
+  But if the Secretaries cry
+  For secretaries--here am I;
+  Or nobly would I occupy
+      The taxi-driver's throne.
+
+  For I should beam across the street
+      When people waved at me,
+  And say, "My petrol's incomplete,
+  I haven't had my bit of meat
+      Nor yet my bit of tea,
+  But just because I like your face
+  I'll take you out to any place
+  However distant from my base--
+      And ask no extra fee."
+
+  And yet I doubt could England bear
+      To see my rest destroyed?
+  A soul so delicate and fair
+  Should simply saunter through the air
+      And cultivate the void;
+  One would not readily degrade
+  One's loveliness in _any_ trade,
+  Only, of course, one must be paid
+      For being unemployed.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMITH MINOR PROFFERS A REQUEST.
+
+_(An authentic document_.)
+
+Will you please send me a fountain pen because nearly every boy but me
+has a fountain pen and I should so like to have one because I often
+want to write something outside and I carn't and then when I come in I
+don't no what it is and I miss something out of my letter then when I
+have writen my letter I remember what it was and genulry I remember it
+in lesons and when I begin to write my next letter I have for goten
+it and it goes on like that till at last I remember it and then some
+times I don't rember it all and that is why I want a fontin pen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DRY" HUMOUR.
+
+PRESIDENT WILSON. "OUR FUTURE LIES UPON THE WATER!"
+
+BRITANNIA. "ALLUDING, I PRESUME, TO YOUR PROHIBITION MOVEMENT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+MR. LOWTHER TAKES THE CHAIR FOR "POSITIVELY THE LAST TIME." HIS
+ENTHUSIASTIC PROPOSER AND SECONDER (COLONEL MILDMAY AND SIR HENRY
+DALZIEL), BITTEN BY THE POPULAR CRAZE, PUT A BIT OF "JAZZ" INTO THE
+PROCEEDINGS.]
+
+_Tuesday, February 4th_.--There is much virtue in horsehair. Few who
+attended the informal opening of the Third Parliament of KING GEORGE
+THE FIFTH would have guessed that under the full-bottomed wig and
+gorgeous black-and-gold robes of the dignified figure on the Woolsack
+lay the volatile personality of "F. E." He played his new part nobly.
+A trifling error in the setting of his three-cornered hat, whose
+rakish cock was for the moment reminiscent of the "Galloper," was
+quickly corrected on the advice of one of the Lords Commissioners at
+his side; and by the time the faithful Commons were admitted to hear
+the Commission read there was nothing to differentiate Lord BIRKENHEAD
+(as he had now become) from any previous occupant of his exalted
+position. Nor was there any lack of dignity in his delivery of the
+instructions to the Commons to "proceed to the choice of some proper
+person to be your Speaker"--though I fancy that when he bade them
+"repair to the place where you are to sit" he must have been tempted
+to add the words, "provided that you can find room there."
+
+For the Lower House, when we returned there, was a seething mass of
+humanity. How many of the 707 duly elected Members were present I know
+not; but there were enough to swamp the floor and surge over into the
+Galleries. Seeing that the "Tubes" were closed and taxis few and far
+between, some of them were obliged to resort to unusual methods of
+locomotion. Sir HENRY NORMAN surprised the police in Palace Yard by
+arriving on a motor-scooter, and there is an unconfirmed rumour
+that the Editor of _John Bull_ made his _rentrée_ to the House in a
+flying-boat drawn by four _canards sauvages._ Anyhow, there they were,
+so thick and slab that Mr. DE VALERA, who was reported to have escaped
+from durance vile with the intention of presenting himself at the
+House and creating a disturbance, would have found it impossible to
+gain entry unless preceded by a charge of gelignite. As it was, none
+of the Sinn Feiners was present, nor indeed any representative of
+Irish Nationalism at all, and the proceedings were as orderly as a
+Quaker funeral.
+
+Not that they were by any means dull. For both Colonel MILDMAY, who
+proposed, and Sir HENRY DALZIEL, who seconded, the re-election of Mr.
+LOWTHER as Speaker, spiced their compliments with humour. The former
+was confident that even if Woman appeared on the floor of the House
+the SPEAKER-ELECT'S "consummate tact" would be equal to coping with
+her artfullest endeavours to get round the rules of procedure; while
+the latter attributed his priceless gift of humour to "Scottish
+ancestry on the mother's side."
+
+Horsehair again! I hardly recognised in the quietly-dressed Member who
+rose from the Bench behind Ministers to acknowledge these encomiums
+the man whose awe-inspiring appearance (when clothed in wig and gown)
+has quelled so many storms in the last four Parliaments. Let us hope
+that the fifth, of which, being the outcome of his famous Conference,
+he may in a sense be described as the "onlie begetter," will not
+disgrace its parentage.
+
+Already there are elements of difficulty. Through the non-return of
+Mr. ASQUITH the Opposition has lost its head literally and is in some
+danger of losing it figuratively, for the remnant of the un-"couponed"
+Liberals and the Labour Party are at present acutely divided on the
+question upon whom the lost Leader's mantle should fall. Today Sir
+DONALD MACLEAN, as senior Privy Councillor, took the _pas_ and was
+able from personal experience to give his conception of the ideal
+Speaker, who "must not only have good vision but be sometimes quite
+blind; not only have acute hearing but occasionally be almost
+stone-deaf." Fortunately the SPEAKER-ELECT can assume these physical
+defects at will; for, despite its quiet opening, I doubt if the
+new Parliament when it gets to work will prove precisely a Lowther
+Arcadia.
+
+_Wednesday, February 5th_.--To the Lords again, where the
+SPEAKER-ELECT, attired in Court dress and accompanied by the
+SERGEANT-AT-ARMS dandling the Mace as if it ware a refractory infant,
+presented himself at the Bar to hear from the LORD CHANCELLOR the
+pleasing intelligence that HIS MAJESTY was convinced of his "ample
+sufficiency" to execute his arduous duties, and readily approved his
+election. Thereupon Sir COLIN KEPPEL swung the Mace on to his shoulder
+and escorted the SPEAKER, now confirmed in his rank, back to the
+Commons.
+
+There was an unusual rush of Members to take the oath. This was not
+entirely due to the new Members, naturally desirous of completing
+their initiatory rites, but was shared by many of the older hands, for
+the good and sufficient reason that, until a Member is certified as
+having been duly sworn, he cannot recover his one hundred and fifty
+pounds deposit from the Returning Officer. In their zeal to be in a
+position to reimburse themselves Members crowded in such numbers to
+the tables that there was some danger that they would be overturned.
+As one of our Latinists remarked, "It looks as if we should have
+_novae res_ outside and _novae tabulae_ inside."
+
+_Thursday, February 6th._--The process, once immortalized by a Lords'
+reporter in the sentence, "A few Bishops looked in, swore, and went
+away again," went on in both Houses; but in the Commons in a more
+orderly fashion than yesterday. For the SPEAKER, ever ready, as he
+said on his election, "to carry out the old rules in a modern
+spirit," directed the waiting Members to form up in line. One of the
+Coalitionists evinced a little surprise. He had always understood that
+when coupons were issued queues were superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Donald (who a short time before had put the bottle in
+the cupboard "for another day" breaking long silence)._ "SAXPENCE FOR
+YOUR THOUGHTS, SANDY."
+
+_Sandy._ "WEEL, I'M THENKIN' IT'S JEST TWA MEENITS SEN THE CLOCK STRUCK
+TWELVE--AN' IT'LL BE ANITHER DAY."
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted a Certificated (Resilient) Lady Teacher for Std.
+    V."--_Times of India_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TENDENCIES
+
+(_Being some extracts from the daily Press of, say, 1925)._
+
+.... The bi-monthly strike of Clyde workers took place yesterday. The
+proceedings were quite orderly. The matter in dispute this time is a
+very simple affair. The men, who are now working on a full half-hour a
+week basis at one hundred and sixty-eight hours' pay, with three snap
+meal-times of ten minutes each per day, are not pressing for any
+alteration in pay or hours, but demand the dismissal of Mr. John
+Smith, the managing director of one of the large shipbuilding yards,
+who rudely refused to fetch a pint of beer for one of the rivetters.
+The Government department dealing with strike questions is full up for
+three months yet, but hopes are entertained that, unless a critical
+by-election should intervene, it will be possible to deal with the
+matter at the expiration of that period.
+
+.... Much interest was aroused last evening by the production of a new
+musical show, both the book and music of which have been written by
+natives of this country. A strong protest has been lodged by the
+United States Embassy.
+
+.... A passenger on one of the Tube railways alleges that he entered a
+train at Oxford Circus Station last evening. No confirmation is as yet
+forthcoming, and the rumour must be treated with reserve.
+
+.... The Peace Conference held a sitting yesterday and definitely
+decided that the ex-Kaiser should be tried one of these days. It is
+confidently stated in the inner circles of Paris that peace will
+inevitably be concluded within the next ten or twelve years.
+
+.... Dancing still holds its own as the principal amusement of the
+bulk of the population. The latest dance, the Guzz-Jinx, which is
+danced on the hands with the right foot placed in the mouth of one's
+partner, is stated to be very graceful indeed. The correct music is
+provided by a band performing entirely on hair-combs and tea-trays.
+
+.... A reduction is promised in the price of tobacco shortly. An ounce
+recently changed hands at a well-known Piccadilly shop at two hundred
+and seven pounds, but the new season's prices are not expected to be
+much above one hundred and fifty pounds.
+
+A man was charged at Bow Street yesterday with endeavouring to ride
+in a motor-bus on Tuesday, the 12th of the month, when his permit was
+only for Thursday, the 15th of each month. He was severely cautioned
+and ordered to get a new calendar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEFORE THE COMBAT.
+
+_Excited Duellist._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
+
+_Nervous Opponent._ "I'M PUTTING MAGIC DROPS ON MY SWORD, WHICH WILL
+MAKE IT IRRESISTIBLE."
+
+_Excited Duellist._ "BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR TO ME."
+
+_Nervous Opponent (relieved)._ "ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN HAVE SOME AND WE'LL
+CALL IT A DRAW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VALENTINE.
+
+  Dear Lydia, long before your time,
+      When I was half the 'teen you own to,
+  Don Valentine was in his prime,
+      The world not yet the thing it's grown to.
+  The postman then with double knocks
+      This morning many a heart was thrilling,
+  And brought a shining cardboard box
+      With round red hearts in paper frilling.
+
+  A simpler world, and well content
+      With what seems small by modern measure;
+  And winters came and roses went,
+      Yet Time dulls pain as well as pleasure.
+  Though, with this fashion out of date,
+      His hand to-day weighs almost lightly
+  If this my war-time chocolate
+      Makes two dark eyes to shine more brightly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS FOR THE GARDEN.
+
+To those who are about to re-establish their herbaceous borders it
+will come as a welcome surprise that restrictions as to the sale of
+the following foodstuffs by nurserymen have now been withdrawn:--
+
+Stucky's _Germania_ (Lamb's Ear).
+
+_Scolopendrium_ (Hart's Tongue).
+
+No coupons will be required for these in future.
+
+_Fatsia Horrida._--This is no longer grown by nurserymen, but can be
+obtained at any butcher's, large quantities having recently arrived
+from Greece. Smith minor, possibly a prejudiced witness, says he gets
+it at school; that it is beastly and only another name for Cod Liver
+Oil.
+
+_Sambucus_ (the Elder).--A correspondent inquires if anything is
+known of the younger branch of this family. On being appealed to
+the Secretary of the Linnaean Society sent the following somewhat
+enigmatic telegram: "Recommend CLEMENCEAU non-Papa, who may know
+something of Uncle Sam."
+
+_Hydrangea._--This hardy shrub is so called as it was originally
+raised by the Ranger of Hyde Park. The American variety "radiata"
+succeeds well indoors if grown on hot-water pipes.
+
+_Pirus._--There are several varieties of this species. The best known,
+however, comes from Cornwall and was raised by the late Sir W.S.
+GILBERT, who introduced the Savoy cabbage. It is called the _Pirus of
+Penzance_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DANCING DEMOBILISED.
+
+    [It is said that demobilised officers, anxious to dance, are
+    finding it almost impossible to buy dress-shirts and evening
+    pumps.]
+
+  Now that I've been demobilised
+    I'm going again to dances--
+  I do not care with whom or where,
+    I'm taking any chances.
+  And evening dress, I've been advised,
+    Will never become transitional;
+  Yet once or twice I've been surprised
+    To find my khaki pals disguised
+  In new dress suits and old trench boots,
+    Which scarcely seems traditional.
+
+  I met my Colonel at a hop
+    Jazzing in his goloshes,
+  With a dress-tie pert on a cricket-shirt
+    That had shrunk in various washes;
+  And my Major was doing the Donkey-Drop
+    Between a couple of rippers--
+  Yet his pink-and-white pyjama-top
+    If anything seemed a shade _de trop_,
+  And his faultless coat hardly echoed the note
+    Of his worsted bedroom slippers.
+
+  But the world long since went off its chump,
+    And the cry of the man from France is,
+  "I simply refuse to let shirts and shoes
+    Prevent me from going to dances.
+  I'll take the shine out of collar and pump,
+    And their wearers _will_ look silly
+  When I once begin the Giraffe-Galump,
+    The Chicken-Run and the Jaguar-Jump,
+  The Wombat-Walk and the Buffalo-Bump,
+    With a chamois vest on my manly chest,
+  And football-boots and the smartest of suits
+    They can cut in Piccadilly."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GRAND TRUNK LINE.
+
+    "The following are some alternative routes which could be used by
+    people going home this evening from the City or West End:--
+
+    "Clapham Common.--By Elephant, trams and 'buses."--_Evening News_.
+
+LOCAL COLOUR.
+
+I ran upstairs after lunch to-day to see old Harris. He has the
+flat over mine, you know. In addition to this Harris is an author.
+Sometimes he even gets money for it.
+
+"Doin' a bit of work to-day, Harris?" I remarked casually.
+
+"I'm doing a little flying story," he informed me with dignity.
+
+"Oh, yes," I agreed carelessly, then woke up and stared hard.
+
+"Flying?" I repeated. "But what the--I mean, what do you know about
+flying, anyway?"
+
+Brutality is the only thing with Harris. He was very hurt. He gasped
+and glared at me in a most annoyed manner.
+
+"I know a pretty good lot," he announced with some asperity. "I've
+talked to dozens of pilots about it and I've read books on flying--and
+the newspapers--"
+
+"And don't forget you once passed Hendon in the train too, old son,"
+I soothed him. "I'd no idea you were so well up in it. Sorry I spoke.
+Let's see it; may I?"
+
+Harris picked up a couple of sheets of paper from the desk and,
+coughing imposingly, proceeded to read out his masterpiece:--
+
+"Lionel Marchant came slowly out of the hangar, drawing on his long
+fur gloves and studying his maps with an intent and keen face.
+
+"His machine, a single-seater scout of the latest type, was just being
+wheeled out and now stood glistening in the bright autumn sunshine,
+which danced on the shining brasswork and threw deep shadows on the
+grass beneath.
+
+"The airman swung lightly into his seat; a final word or two with his
+commanding officer and he flung over the levers and gave a sharp turn
+to the starting handle.
+
+"The powerful engine in front of him woke into life deafeningly and,
+waving away the mechanics holding the wings, he pressed the clutch
+pedal and moved slowly forward.
+
+"His face is very grim and determined--he throws across another lever
+and the low hum of the motor changes into a deep-throated roar.
+Gathering speed, he goes faster and faster--now he is in the air--now
+a little speck in the sky, heading for the enemy's lines--"
+
+"Oh, no, please," I broke in feebly. "I can't stand any more just now.
+You're not seriously thinking of having this published, are you?"
+
+As in a dream I took the manuscript from his fingers and gazed blankly
+at it whilst his indignant flow of speech passed harmlessly over my
+head.
+
+"But, Harris," I said at length, with infinite compassion in my voice,
+"Harris, I love you as a brother, but this really is awful--why--well,
+listen here"--
+
+"'As the second German machine came down on them in a steep dive
+Lionel gave a hasty glance behind him, where the huge engine raced
+madly, and shouted excitedly to his observer.
+
+"'The latter, swinging the machine gun round sharply, took rapid aim
+and pressed the trigger--'"
+
+I stopped.
+
+"Well?" demanded the author icily.
+
+"No, it's too frightful," I bleated. "Harris, this _might_ conceivably
+be read by a real pilot. Heaven forbid, of course! And he'd simply
+hate this scout 'bus with the engine ahead to change into a 'pusher'
+two-seater in six paragraphs."
+
+Harris was routed, absolutely demoralised. "They told me to put in
+lots of flying talk," he murmured abjectly, "and tons of local colour
+to make it lifelike."
+
+"Yes," I said grimly, "but this colour's too local for words."
+
+"Of course, if you think you could do it better yourself," Harris
+observed with heavy sarcasm, "well, then--"
+
+"Certainly," I agreed heartily. "I don't mind showing _you_, Harris,
+seeing you're a pal of mine. Just pass the ink and let your uncle get
+to work."
+
+Behold my effort!--
+
+"'Orderly, what about tea?'
+
+"'Very nearly ready, Sir.'
+
+"'Right. Then I think a small piece of toast is indicated;' and he
+proceeded to hack the loaf to pieces with great vigour.
+
+"'Hun over somewhere, sounds like,' said a sleepy voice as the throb
+of an engine was heard overhead.
+
+"'Oh, I can't help his troubles,' observed the toast-maker airily.
+'He's got no right to come at tea-time. In about half-an-hour or so I
+might think about--'
+
+"Here the telephone bell rang.
+
+"'Now that's a splendid joke,' said his unfeeling friend as he laid
+down the receiver. 'You've got to go up after that chap. They're
+getting your 'bus out now, so--'
+
+"'What!' came in disgusted tones from the fireside. 'Don't be so dam
+funny. What do you mean?'
+
+"'Not ragging, really, Bill. The C.O. said he wanted you to have a
+shot at that fellow. Run like a hare. You may catch him up over Berlin
+somewhere. I'll eat your toast for you.'
+
+"'Oh, will you?' grunted the other. 'What awful rot it is! Oh, the
+devil--where's my hat?' and out he plunged.
+
+"Two minutes later he was struggling into a heavy leather coat and,
+feeling thoroughly ill-used, climbed into his machine.
+
+"The propeller was swung, emitting one hollow cough.
+
+"'Switch off. All right, contact.'
+
+"At the third attempt the engine remembered its manners and started up
+with a jerk. A few moments to get her running smoothly, a rapid test
+to see that she was 'giving her revs.' and the chocks, were waved away
+from the wheels.
+
+"Within twenty yards he was off the ground and, throttle wide open,
+climbing towards the little white dot thousands of feet above.
+
+"And all the time he was grumbling.
+
+"'What awful rot it is! I've about as much chance of reaching the
+blighter as ... Running my engine to bits as it is ... May be able to
+cut him off when he's dropped his eggs.'
+
+"Which is precisely what happened. The last gift had been thankfully
+received in a ploughed field beneath and the Hun was turning for home
+when the scout struggled to his level.
+
+"The watchers on the ground saw the small machine press determinedly
+towards the bigger and a faint crackle of gun-fire broke out.
+
+"It was answered by all the guns on board the enemy craft and the
+single-seater wavered undecidedly.
+
+"Then he got his adversary fairly in his ring sight again and' risking
+everything, fired burst after burst.
+
+"All at once the big machine heeled over and dived--a flash and a
+sudden sheet of flame from the engine and down dropped the raider, to
+dash to pieces in the French fields three miles below.
+
+"Ten minutes later the British machine slithered on to the ground and
+switched off in front of the sheds.
+
+"'By Jove, Bill,' said his friend, rushing up excitedly, 'that was the
+best show--'
+
+"'Not so much of it,' interposed the 'hero,' scrambling out of his
+seat. 'What about my tea? Did you look after my toast for me? No,
+might have known you wouldn't.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT OUR POETS HAVE TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+    "They who faced the terrors of the deep, Who guarded our
+    snores-while we were asleep."
+
+    _Scottish Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Though his career was entirely that of a public servant, he had
+    personality and that self-evident efficiency which mark a man out
+    for promotion."--_Times_.
+
+That "though" is rather cynical.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, TAXI, I'VE ONLY GOT ENOUGH CHANGE TO PAY THE
+EXACT FARE. D'YOU MIND TAKING A CHEQUE FOR THE TIP?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECIPROCITY.
+
+    [Discussing the unruliness of modern children, a correspondent
+    in the Press suggests that parents might exchange offspring for
+    educational purposes.]
+
+  Hector, one thought alone forbade
+    Your stout progenitor to squirm
+  Through all the months the Huns essayed
+    To pink his epiderm--
+  The thought that you, through what he'd done,
+  Might find a better world, my son.
+
+  Now must you do your bit for me,
+    For, guided by the sage's lore,
+  I mean to barter progeny
+    With Brown, the man next door,
+  And educate in place of you
+  Bertram, his brazen-lunged Yahoo.
+
+  Too long, too long have I been banned
+    From giving what he's been denied,
+  The checkings of a chiding hand,
+    Impartially applied,
+  But now he's going to get it, Hec
+  (Though not exactly in the neck).
+
+  Exile from your ancestral hut
+    At first may fill your soul with pain;
+  If so, this filial thought should cut
+    Your tears off at the main:
+  The hours he spends across my knee
+  Will mean a better world for me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IT HAPPENED IN IRELAND.
+
+    "Mr. ---- held that purchased meat would be better than that
+    supplied by contractors, who were not saints. He knew of one
+    case where cattle were actually killed after they died."--_Irish
+    Times_.
+
+"The following has been issued by the Sinn Fein Executive:--
+
+    "At the weekly meeting of the Executive it was unanimously
+    decided to appeal to the subscribers to the Mansion House
+    Anti-Subscription Fund."--_Irish Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This enabled him [Mr. Bottomley] to provide a sum sufficient to
+    yap the other shareholders 12. in the pound."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+We always thought him a bit of a dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BLANKET ASTRAY.
+
+Now that most of us are on the point of escaping into civil life, the
+relentless department to whom the W.O. entrusted the stewardship of
+Army blankets is calling us to strict account as to our dealings with
+these articles.
+
+Between us and freedom rise the accusing phantoms of blankets we
+signed for and failed to return, blankets we misused as carpets,
+curtains and table-cloths. The bright dawn of the new era is overcast
+by their threatening shadow.
+
+The A.A.L.R.B.G.S.--Acting-Assistant Local Recorder of Blankets
+General Service, a very important Hat indeed--some time last winter
+paid us a visit and went away without complaint. We had specialised
+in cherishing Blankets G.S. For fear of loss or damage none had been
+issued for use, and the enthusiasm of all ranks was so warm that the
+men were glad to sleep without them, if only they might go and see
+for themselves the full tally of blankets folded correctly to a
+hair's-breadth and piled irreproachably and unapproachably in the
+stores.
+
+Then, three days ago, arrived a chit asking us to explain a curt
+quotation from the report of the A.A.L.R.B.G.S., to the effect that
+
+  "_There was a blanket on the table
+  in the store_."
+
+By a civilian this might be interpreted as a word of praise for our
+care of the table or for the comfortable _tout ensemble_ of the
+Quartermaster-Sergeant's treasure-house; but we know better. We read
+it with the sensations of a householder who, after the call of a
+Scotland Yard official, should be invited to explain, in an otherwise
+satisfactory account of his visit, the sentence--
+
+  "_There was a corpse in the boot
+  cupboard_."
+
+It suggested criticism, suspicion, disapproval. In his dilemma the
+O.C. replied as follows:--
+
+"Owing to the fact that, in view of the paper scarcity, the keeping
+of Individual History Sheets for the Blankets under my command was
+discontinued early in the War, I have found it difficult to collect
+evidence. I beg, however, to submit the likeliest explanations that
+offer.
+
+"(1) Possibly the blanket was placed on the table, folded and
+compressed beneath the weight of the various utensils, literature and
+stationery necessary to the functioning of a B.Q.M.S., in order
+that the correct regimental wrinkles, as laid down in the various
+handbooks, might be made and maintained; the blanket to be used as a
+model at lectures to young soldiers on the care of equipment.
+
+"(2) The distance between the Main Blanket Dump and the table under
+suspicion is only four feet. It is in the experience of all familiar
+with conditions in the Field that blankets with long service
+frequently develop extreme activity. I beg to suggest that the blanket
+in question may have absented itself without leave from the main dump
+and proceeded as far as the table by its own locomotive power.
+
+"(3) About the date of the inspection the name of an N.C.O. was
+submitted with a recommendation for the O.B.E., but was withdrawn on
+compassionate grounds. I cannot trust my memory, but possibly the
+justification of this recommendation was the N.C.O.'s zealous care of
+the property of H.M. THE KING, in that he sacrificed his own blanket
+for the welfare of the table." (On paper, of course, our blankets are
+issued in the normal way.) "The weather at the time was inclement,
+either (_a_) wet and dirty or (_b_) extremely cold. The N.C.O. was
+determined that this table should be protected from the deleterious
+effects of (_a_) moisture likely to result from the vicinity of the
+Q.M.S., damp from out-door duties or (_b_) very low temperature, which
+is known to injure such articles of furniture.
+
+"(4) The blanket may have been known to be likely to try to escape
+from custody, and have been placed conspicuously on the table so as to
+be directly under the observation of the Q.M.S.
+
+"(5) The table may have intended illegally to absent itself without
+leave, and have concealed itself beneath the accused blanket in the
+hope of eluding the vigilance of the sentries, disguised as a civilian
+table, i.e. covered with a table-cloth. This theory is unlikely, the
+table bearing an excellent character and never having been known to
+attempt desertion or be in any way guilty of conduct contrary to good
+order and military discipline.
+
+"(6) The Storeman--now demobilised and dispersed--may have committed
+the irregularity suggested, with the idea of increasing the amenity
+of the stores during the inspection, as a humble compliment to the
+A.A.L.R.B.G.S.
+
+"(7) No. 55,442, Procter, Mary, a member of the Q.M.A.A.C., may be
+correct in her statement that the article described as a 'blanket' was
+not a blanket, but a rug, travelling. She says she is 'in a position
+to know this,' as the article is her own property, and supports the
+claim by demonstrating the presence of her initials embroidered across
+one corner.
+
+"I await your reply." And so we all do.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VICTRIX.
+
+  Here's a lady come to town
+    Puts us all to shame;
+  Walking in with noiseless feet,
+  Very light and very fleet,
+    Over-night she came.
+  Not a beauty in the land,
+    Though she knew no peer
+  Both for comeliness and grace,
+  But must take a second place--
+    The snow is here.
+
+  Never monarch wore, I swear,
+    Such a radiant dress;
+  All the whitenesses we prize
+  Suddenly before our eyes
+    Turn to dinginess.
+  Gone are all the shining joys
+    That we held so dear;
+  Linens, marbles, gleaming plumes
+  We must hide in shadowed glooms--
+    The snow is here.
+
+  Veil your brows, you pretty maids,
+    With your falling curls;
+  Should you venture forth to-day
+  Tuck your milky throats away,
+    Cover up your pearls.
+  Naught shall match your loveliness
+    Later in the year
+  (Who so foolish as to dare
+  Say the lily is more fair?)
+    But--the snow is here.
+
+R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MASTER OF GROTESQUE.
+
+The Leicester Galleries for laughter just now! For the walls of the
+inner room are hung with drawings by Mr. H.M. BATEMAN, not a few of
+which--such as "The Leave Wangler," and "The Man who Clung to the
+Railings," and "The Infectious Hornpipe"--have already rejoiced the
+readers of _Punch_.
+
+Mr. BATEMAN'S appeal is double, for, having enjoyed his broad or
+subtle farce and his keen satirical observations, one may turn to the
+admiration of his technique, or _vice versâ*_. He did not invent the
+idea of the humorous sequence--the accumulative pictorial comedy;
+CARAN D'ACHE had come before, and before CARAN D'ACHE was WILHELM
+BUSCH, the German; but he has made it his own to-day. Some of his
+series are irresistible. As a delineator of types, accurate beneath
+the caricature, he is deadly; particularly, perhaps, when he turns his
+attention to the Senior Service. But his Brigadiers and his Clubmen
+are also always within an ace of being identifiable.
+
+For anyone in the dumps Mr. Punch prescribes a speedy visit to the
+Leicester Galleries.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    OUR PLUTOCRATIC CLERGY.
+
+    "Curate wanted. £22. 2 churches. E.P."
+
+    _Church Times_.
+
+[Illustration: _Mabel (to newly-married sister)._ "YOU DON'T MIND ME
+STILL CALLING YOU 'SYBIL,' DO YOU?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+MR. JOHN GALSWORTHY is a most deceptive writer. He lures a reader on
+by a display of gentleness and smoothness and moderation, and then
+turns on him and makes it plain that he is really a most provocative
+fellow and is engaged in matching his mind against yours. He tries
+to commit you to some such statement as this: "The allegiance of the
+workman in time of peace is not rendered to the State, but to himself
+and his own class." Or this: "I think editors, journalists, old
+gentlemen and women will be brutalised [by the War] in larger numbers
+than our soldiers." Or this: "This is at once a spiritual link with
+America and yet one of the great barriers to friendship between
+the two peoples. We are not sure whether we are better men than
+Americans." Or this: "My mind is open, and when one says that, one
+generally means that it is shut." Disconcerting, very, and all to be
+found in _Another Sheaf_ (HEINEMANN). Mr. GALSWORTHY'S chief object in
+his little book is to arouse us to the disgrace and destruction of our
+State and race if we continue to allow ourselves to be fed, not by our
+own resources, but by alien corn and meat, which may so easily become
+hostile corn and meat. Incidentally Mr. GALSWORTHY finds that we are
+in the mass far too ugly. For instance, how few of us have chiselled
+nostrils! We ought not to eat so much pure white flour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the second page of _The Secret City_ (MACMILLAN) Mr. HUGH WALPOLE
+(or, to be meticulously correct, _Durward_, into whose mouth the story
+is put) says that "there is no Russian alive for whom this book can
+have any kind of value except as a happy example of the mistakes that
+the Englishman can make about the Russian." Well, after finishing the
+book, which is in some ways a sequel to _The Dark Forest_, I felt so
+very disinclined to believe this statement that I consulted a Russian,
+who is very much alive, and received the opinion that, if Mr. WALPOLE
+has not succeeded in drawing the real average Russian, he has given us
+a type whose faults and virtues sound the keynote of the situation as
+it is to-day. Such an opinion is worth a thousand times more than any
+judgment of mine, and I am glad of the opportunity to record it. From
+a literary point of view it seems to me that Mr. WALPOLE, in allowing
+_Durward_ to tell the tale, has created innumerable difficulties for
+himself--difficulties which to a great extent have been cleverly
+overcome, but which nevertheless make the story wobble dangerously
+and once or twice threaten it with devastation. To me, however, the
+interest never really flagged, for granted that one has a sympathy
+with Russia one feels acutely what Mr. WALPOLE is aiming at and how
+wonderfully he succeeds. It is not difficult to find faults: to
+complain, for instance, that a strong man like _Semyonov_ would not
+have taken such elaborate measures to get himself killed; but these
+points are trivial in a book which is not to be read so much for its
+story as for its idea. And the idea is great.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Rollo Johnson_ was incautious enough to be born the natural son of a
+peer. This fact caused just sufficient complications to keep MARY L.
+PENDERED'S latest story, _The Silent Battlefield_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL),
+from any threat of stagnation while she was developing the theme that
+really intrigued her. This was the struggle between increasing wealth
+and early-acquired Socialism as it arose in the mind of a hero working
+his way up from poverty to millionairedom, a seat in the House and the
+opportunity of hobnobbing with lords, suffragettes and other notables.
+When I say that the two sides of the Socialist case are presented with
+rather uncommon fairness you may think that is only because my own
+particular creed is upheld; but really and truly I was frowning quite
+as much as purring while the silent battle proceeded, and the end is
+neutral enough to bring despair to all true believers. Lest you should
+suppose the book all made up of election addresses I hasten to add
+that, in the quiet and thoughtful way one expects of the author, the
+story is a good one, the pictures of a small country town are true to
+life, and the characters without exception real creatures of flesh
+and blood. Remembering the puppets that so often have been made to
+represent their country in a political novel, this is saying more than
+a little, and if it is true that, among the ladies of the cast, one
+still finds those the most attractive who have no pronounced opinions
+to speak or vote about, no doubt this is just old prejudice, and,
+anyway, the book is one that can be heartily commended.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The scene of _In Happy Valley_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is laid
+spiritually, if not strictly geographically, in that part of the
+continent of America which everybody who has gone to a cinema, hoping
+against hope, knows so well. I mean the country where people have
+"shooting irons" and use them on the slightest provocation to insist
+that other people shall carry their hands at an absurd and wearisome
+elevation, and all the men wear fringy trousers, and all the women
+shawls, save the heroine, who has to be suitably arrayed for the
+performance of athletic feats. I admit that I didn't feel quite at
+home _In Happy Valley_, because I missed the sheriff and his posse,
+and nobody held up the stage-coach; still the young doctor and the
+school teacher and the ladies at the mission did their best for me,
+and I found it a great help to know the language, an attainment of
+which I am justifiably a little vain, for not everyone could translate
+at sight to "thud" the road or "shoot up" a Christmas party. Mr. JOHN
+FOX, Junr., has not placed his largest strawberries--and some of them
+are quite nice ones--at the top of the basket. His first story did not
+attract me as much as others further on, such as, for instance, that
+excellently humorous one, "The Angel from Viper," though here and in
+other places a lady called _St. Hilda_, obviously not she of Whitby,
+confused me a little. I fancy that we were supposed to have made her
+acquaintance in some previous book. But my real quarrel with Mr. Fox
+is that he has only given walking-on parts to the actors who do best
+when such tales are told upon the screen--I mean the horses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When it is granted that books on flying by fliers have at present a
+peculiar fascination, the fact still remains that what I will call
+The Library of Aviation has usually been remarkably fortunate in its
+contributors. _Cavalry of the Air_ (SIMPKIN, MARSHALL) is the last
+flying work which it has been my good fortune to read, and the
+only conceivable reason for finding fault with it is that "FLIGHT
+COMMANDER" occasionally becomes a little facetious. But when that
+small complaint is made I have nothing left except praise. The
+author was first of all an Observer--or, as he calls it, a "Shock
+Absorber"--in France, and he describes his life so that we groundlings
+may understand and sympathise with every phase of it. Especially I
+like the way in which he pays tribute to the infantry. In the second
+part of his book he tells us of his training as a pilot; and here he
+gives information which deserves to be most thoroughly studied.
+The illustrations by Mr. GEOFFREY WATSON add to the charm of this
+attractive volume. Of another contribution to the literature of the
+air which lies before me I cannot speak so well. Lieut.-Colonel
+CURTIES has an inventive mind, and in _Blake of the R.F.C._
+(SKEFFINGTON) he uses it unsparingly. But although I am ready to
+believe almost anything in a book of this kind, I am bound to confess
+that I found myself bewildered by this breathless romance. Indeed the
+pace is so hot at the outset that even the author seems to have lost
+control of it. If, however, you are craving for excitement you will
+find it here. The scene is laid in Cairo, and we all know that funny
+things happen in that city. Not the least funny thing that happened
+to the characters in this story was the careless ease with which they
+drank whisky-and-soda. But this--let me warn you--happened nearly two
+years ago.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIQUE EXPLOIT OF A LADY-VOTER.
+
+    "I felt a very proud woman when I walked into the ballot-box, for
+    the first time, and cast my vote. And it took me 4-1/2 hours to
+    get there and back."--_Local Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS. WARMING THE HAND BEFORE GREETING----
+----A POOR RELATION ON A COLD DAY.]
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11109 ***