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diff --git a/10711-0.txt b/10711-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc9efda --- /dev/null +++ b/10711-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1838 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10711 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +OCTOBER 3, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +There is no truth in the rumour that the Imperial Government is trying +to secure from KING ALFONSO an agreement that German prisoners shall +not escape on Sundays or in batches of more than fifty at a time. + + *** + +"Far better another year of war," said the Bishop of LONDON in a +recent sermon, "than to leave it to the baby in the cradle to do it +over again." Too much importance should not be attached to these +ill-judged reflections on the younger members of the Staff. + + *** + +In Berlin a crowd of people attempted to do some injury to an officer +on the paltry excuse that he ordered the execution of thirty people +for alleged espionage. The German people have always been a little +jealous of the privileges of the military. + + *** + +Captain N. BERNIERS, who has just returned to Quebec, reports that the +Eskimos had not heard of the War. We should be the last to worry Lord +NORTHCLIFFE at present, but it certainly looks as if the Circulation +Manager of _The Daily Mail_ has been slacking. + + *** + +We really think more care should be taken by the authorities to see +that, while waging war on the Continent, they do not forget the +defence of those at home. The fact that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and Mr. +HORATIO BOTTOMLEY were away in France at the same time looks like +gross carelessness. + + *** + +"Next to the field of Mars we must pay homage to the forge of Vulcan," +said the KAISER in a recent speech. A stout fellow, this Vulcan, but +as a forger not really in the ALL-HIGHEST'S class. + + *** + +Taxicabs are to be entitled to charge a shilling for the first mile. +The bus fare for the remainder of the distance will be the same as +heretofore. + + *** + +It is stated that fifty per cent. of the sugar forms have been filled +in wrong. On the other hand a number of our youthful hedonists are +complaining that as far as sugar is concerned their forms have never +been anywhere near filled in. + + *** + +A Wood Green gentleman has written to an evening paper to say that he +has grown a vegetable marrow which weighs forty-three pounds. There is +some talk of his being elected an Honorary Angler. + + *** + +A Grimsby lady who has just celebrated her hundredth birthday states +that she has never visited a cinema theatre. We felt sure there must +be an explanation somewhere. + + *** + +It seems a pity that the Willesden Health Committee should have +troubled to pass a resolution about the decreasing birth-rate. When we +remember air-raids and the shortage of sugar it is only natural that +people should show a disinclination to be born just now. + + *** + +"I don't care how soon a General Election comes," says Mr. JOHN +DILLON, M.P. It is this dare-devil spirit which has made so many +Irishmen what they are. The recruiting officer has no terrors for +them. + + *** + +HENRY ELIONSKY, of New York, has succeeded in swimming seven miles +with his legs tied to a chair and with heavy boots and clothing. It +is not known why he did it, but we gather that CHARLIE CHAPLIN is now +wondering whether he was wise, after all, in becoming a naturalised +American. + + *** + +The wave of crime still sweeps the country. On top of the £30,000 +jewel robbery comes the news that a man has been charged with breaking +into a London tobacconist's shop and stealing a box of matches value +1/2d. (price 11/2d.). + + *** + +A letter has just reached a City office addressed to the tenants who +occupied the premises twenty years ago. Fortunately such cases of +loitering on the part of our postmen are extremely rare. + + *** + +An infuriated bull has been killed in High Street, Tonbridge, after +wrecking several shop windows. It is thought that the animal had +misread the directions on its sugar card. + + *** + +A number of people have complained that they could hear nothing of the +recent air-raids over London, owing to the noise of the firing being +drowned by the admonitory activities of the police. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BULLDOG BREED. + +_Company Commander_ (_making sure of his men before the show_). "NOW, +WHEN WE GO OVER THE TOP TO-MORROW, YOU ALL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TO MAKE +FOR?" + +_Chorus of Tommies_. "YUSS, SIR." + +_C.C._ "WHAT IS IT, THEN?" + +_Chorus_. "THEY GERMANS, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +OUR CENTRIPETISTS. + + "Mrs. Eckstein and Miss Eckstein have returned to London + from Scotland, and they are leaving London immediately for + London."--_Brighton Standard and Fashionable Visitors' List_. + + * * * * * + + "The Irish farmers are confident that the Food Controller's + declared intention to fix the price of cattle at 6s. per cwt. for + next January will not be carried into effect. They believe that + Lord Rhondda must realise the necessity of making a substantial + increase on this figure."--_Saturday Herald (Dublin)_. + +Lord RHONDDA, we understand, has already met the Irish farmers more +than halfway by fixing the price at 60s. + + * * * * * + "The Apia Blacksmiths, Ltd., will undertake contracts for the + building of houses, with or without material."--_Samoa Times_. + + "And gives to airy nothing + A local habitation."--_Shakspeare_. + + * * * * * + +TAKING OUR PLEASURES SADLY. + +A correspondent informs us that the playbill of IBSEN'S _Ghosts_ +at the Pavilion Theatre bears the following words: "Mr. Neville +Chamberlain says, 'It is essential there should be provided amusements +and recreations which can take people for an hour or so out of +themselves and return them to their work refreshed and reinvigorated.'" + + * * * * * + +SOCIETY NOTES. + +_BY THE HANGER-ON._ + +AIR-RAIDS AND OTHER DIVERSIONS. + +A promising young poet of my acquaintance, who in the midst of war's +obsessions still finds time and taste for the exercise of his art +(he is in a Government office), has allowed me to see the opening +couplet of what I understand to be a very ambitious poem. It runs as +follows:-- + + "Though overhead the Gothas buzz, + Stands London where it did? It does." + +Many good judges of poetry to whom I have quoted these lines think +them very clever. + + * * * * * + +A witty friend of mine tells me that he is thinking of bringing out +a handy and up-to-date edition of the _Almanach de Gotha_, special +attention being paid to the changes of the Moon. + + * * * * * + +Society is always on the look-out for some new distraction from the +tedium of War. The latest vogue with smart people is to get up little +air-raid parties for the Tube, to be followed by auction or a small +boy-and-girl dance. Sections of tunnel or platform can be engaged +beforehand by arrangement with the Constabulary. + + * * * * * + +I hear that my friend, ARTHUR BOURCHIER, continues to draw crowds to +the Oxford. I was dining the other day with a young and brilliant +officer, who has seen two months' active service in the A.S.C. and +won golden opinions at the Base, and he assured me that there is no +"Better 'Ole" than the Oxford during an air-raid. + + * * * * * + +Now that London is part of the Front, with a barrage of its own, one +has to be careful to censor one's correspondence. It is advisable not +to mention your actual address, but just to write "Somewhere in the +West-End. B.S.F." (British Sedentary Force). + + * * * * * + +The Winter season has begun exceptionally early. Last Sunday at Church +Parade I saw Lady "Nibs" Tattenham, looking the very image of her +latest photograph in _The Prattler_, where she appears with her pet +Pekie over the legend, "Deeply interested in War-work." + + * * * * * + +A gallant Contemptible has been complaining to me that the Press shows +no sense of proportion in the space that it allots to air-raids. Our +casualties from that source, he said, are never one tenth as heavy as +those in France on days when G.H.Q. reports "Everything quiet on the +Western Front." I naturally disagreed with his attitude. Nothing, I +told him, is more likely to discourage the Hun than to see column +after column in our papers proving that these visitations leave us +totally unmoved. Besides it must be very comforting to our troops +in the trenches to learn in detail how their dear ones at home are +sharing the perils of the other fronts. In any case nobody who knows +our Press would doubt the purity of their motive in reporting as many +air-raid horrors as the Censor permits. + + * * * * * + +_À propos_ of the Patriotic Press, no praise can be too high for some +of our society weeklies. They have set their faces like flint against +any serious reference to the War. When I see them going imperturbably +along the old pre-war lines, snapping smart people at the races or in +the Row, or reproducing the devastating beauty of a revue chorus, I +know that they have their withers unwrung and their heart in the right +place. I always have one of these papers on my table to be taken as a +corrective after the daily casualty lists. + + * * * * * + +A striking feature of the Photographic Press is to be seen in the +revival of the _vie intime_ of popular idols of the stage. The human +life of our great actors and actresses as revealed in some simple +rustic _villeggiatura_ has always had a fascination for a public that +does not enjoy the privilege of their private friendship. And in these +strenuous War-days it is well to bring home to the theatre-goer how +necessary is domestic repose for those who are doing their courageous +bit to keep the nation from dwelling on the inconveniences of +Armageddon. + + * * * * * + +One of the most profound after-the-war questions that is agitating +the mind of the Government is what eventually to do with the miles +of wooden and concrete villages that have sprung up all over London +like Jonah's mushroom. I hear a rumour that the House of Commons +tea-terrace will shortly be commandeered for the erection of yet +another block of buildings to accommodate yet another Ministry--the +Ministry of Demobilization of Temporary Departmental Hutments. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE TUBE HOTELS, LTD. + +[Mr. Punch has been fortunate enough to secure in advance a prospectus +of the enterprising managements.] + +THE CENTRAL LONDON RAILWAY + +offers splendid night accommodation in its magnificently appointed +stations. Every modern convenience. Luxurious lifts conducted by the +Company's own liveried attendants convey guests to the dormitories. +Constant supply of fresh ozone. Reduced terms to season ticket +holders. + + +HÔTEL EMBANKMENT. + +All lines converge to this Hotel, which is therefore the most central +in London. Frequent trains convey visitors direct to their beds. For +the convenience of patrons arriving above ground or by District, the +Directors have installed a superb moving staircase, thereby obviating +the inconvenience of crowded lifts. + +The platforms and passages are tastefully decorated with coloured +pictures by the leading firms. + +Visitors are respectfully requested not to sleep on the moving +staircase. + + +HÔTEL PICCADILLY CIRCUS. + +IN THE HEART OF FASHIONABLE LONDON. + +This Hotel, which is one of the deepest in London, is composed of +four magnificent platforms and nearly a mile of finely tessellated +corridors. Electric light. Constant temperature of sixty-five degrees +Fahrenheit. Excellent catering under the control of the Automatic +Machine Company. Reduced terms during moonless nights. + + +HÔTEL HAMPSTEAD TUBE. + +Situated in a commanding position, underlooking the Heath, this hotel +is positively the deepest in London. The Management has decided to +extend the accommodation during one week in each month by offering +beds on the steps of the staircase. No one has ever been known to walk +either up or down this staircase, and patrons are therefore assured of +an uninterrupted night's repose. Extremely moderate terms are quoted +for the higher flights. + + +THE GILLESPIE ARMS. + +Ensure an undisturbed night's sleep by putting up at the Gillespie +Road Station Family and Commercial Hotel. Large numbers of trains pass +this station without stopping, and residents are comparatively free +from the annoyance caused by the arrival and departure of passengers. + +Special terms for Aliens, who are requested to bring their own +mattresses. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PLACE IN THE MOON. + +HANS. "HOW BEAUTIFUL A MOON, MY LOVE, FOR SHOWING UP ENGLAND TO OUR +GALLANT AIRMEN!" + +GRETCHEN. "YES, DEAREST, BUT MAY IT NOT SHOW UP THE FATHERLAND TO THE +BRUTAL ENEMY ONE OF THESE NIGHTS?"] + + * * * * * + +CODES. + +It began like the noise of rushing water, and for a moment the Brigade +Major hoped that somebody had taken it upon himself to wash the +orderly. The noise, however, was followed by a succession of thumps +which put an end to this pretty flight of fancy. Aghast he surveyed +the scene before him. Close to the Brigade Headquarters' dug-out was +an old French dump of every conceivable kind of explosive made up into +every known form of projectile. No longer was it a picture of Still +Life. The Sleeping Beauty was awake indeed. The Prince had come in the +form of a common whizz-bang. + +As he looked (and ducked) a flock of aerial torpedoes, propelled by +the explosion of one of their number, rose and scattered as if at the +approach of a hostile sportsman. Another explosion blew what seemed to +be a million rockets sizzling into the air. + +The store was on fire! + +The Brigade Major retired. + * * * * * +Everybody was in the Signal dug-out (Signals build deep and strong). +Secretly the clerks were praying for the disintegration of the +typewriter and the total destruction of the overwhelming mass of paper +(paper warfare had been terrible of late). The Staff Captain and +the O.C. Gum Boots, who had been approaching the Headquarters, were +already half a mile down the road and still going strong. + +The Division rang up. One need hardly have mentioned that. In times of +stress the higher formations rarely fail. + +"What's going on?" they asked. + +The Brigade Major was just going to say, when suddenly he remembered. +That very morning he had been severely strafed for speaking of +important things over the telephone when so near the enemy. "Had he +not read the Divisional G 245/348/24 of the 29th inst.? What was the +good of issuing orders to defeat the efficiency of the Bosch listening +apparatus if they were not obeyed?" etc., etc. + +True, it was conceivable that even without the aid of a delicate +listening apparatus the Bosch was cognisant of an explosion that +made his whole front line quiver; still orders is orders. So the +Brigade-Major swallowed hard. + +"C-can't tell you over the wires. Your G 245/348/24...." + +"Yes, yes, we know all about that. Don't say it _definitely_, but give +us an _idea_. _Where_ is all this noise?" + +"Here!--Oh!" piped the B.M. as a crump shook the receiver out of his +hand. + +"Send it in code at once. The G.O.C. is strafing horribly to know." + +To encode a message which may be your last words on earth is not the +easiest of tasks. It has no romance about it. Who would relish +an obituary such as: "He died like a hero, his last words being +'XB35/067K'"? + +To the ramping of the continuous crump the B.M. scraped away the dirt +and stuff that had fallen from the throbbing walls of his dug-out +and fished out the Code-Book. Hurriedly he turned over the pages to +"Ammunition" and read down the set phrases and their code equivalents. +Four times he relit the candle. There seemed nothing under this +heading applicable to the situation. "Send up" was one, but that had +already been done. "Am/is/are/running short of" was another, but it +was doubtful if the Division would see the real meaning of it. + +"Ah, here we are," he muttered, relighting the candle for the fifth +time. "Dumps." Alas, there was nothing to convey the situation very +clearly even under this heading. Finally he picked out the nearest he +could find and sent it over the wires. + +This is what they decoded to the expectant G.O.C. of the Division: +"_Advanced ammunition depôt has moved_." + +The G.O.C. said something which impelled the entire Divisional Staff +to the telephone, where they all grabbed for the receiver. + +"What the devil is this code message? We can't understand it. You've +sent in something about the dump at your Brigade Headquarters." + +"Ah!" said the B.M. meaningly, "there is _not_ a dump at Brigade +Headquarters now." + +"Well, I don't care. We want to know what all this noise is about." + +"It's the dump. It's m-moved." + +"Moved? Moved where? Give the map reference." + +"Map reference?" murmured the B.M. "Oh, my sacred aunt, what fools ... +I'm sorry" (he smiled at them through his teeth) "I can't give you the +_m-map_ reference, but I can give you the _area_ roughly." + +"Barmy!" was the word he heard spoken to a bystander at the other end. + +"Look here, old man," they said kindly, "we know you're all very tired +and worried, but just try to _think_ a moment. Never mind dumps now. +You can't be making all that noise moving a dump--what?" (Specimen of +Divisional joke--very rare.) "Tell us, is the Bosch shelling?" + +"No. They've stopped." + +"Good. Then it's all over?" + +"No. It's still going on." + +"But you just said that it had stopped." + +"Yes, it has. But the dump hasn't. It keeps m-moving." + +"Poor old bird," they said, "his nerve's gone at last. All right," +they shouted, "don't you worry. The storeman will look after the dump. +You go to bed and have a good sleep." + +"Have a g-good sleep!" muttered the B.M., "that's just like the +Divis--Oh!" and he sat down as a torpedo flopped into his bedroom a +few doors away and made a hole of it. + +Then he sat up. The storeman of the Brigade dump was not two hundred +yards away from the active one. The poor fellow was to have gone on +leave that night. Presently it occurred to him that, instead of trying +to decide who should have the reversion of the storeman's leave, it +would be better to go and see if there really was a vacancy. Fifteen +boxes of melinite delayed him but a moment. With melinite you know +the worst at once; it doesn't hang round like boxes of ammunition, +for instance. He called a clerk and together they raced over to the +storeman's dug-out. + +"Jock!" cried the clerk. "Are ye there, Jock?" + +"Is he quite dead?" said the B.M., making up his mind to use his leave +warrant for himself. + +"No, Sir, he's very deaf, that's why he's a storeman. Jo-ock!!" + +"Hello!" came from the ground. + +"Are ye all right, Jock?" + +"Na. There's an awfu' to-do here." + +"What's wrong then?" + +"Ma candle keeps going oot." + +"Are ye all right, though, Jock?" + +"Na." + +"Well, what's up with ye?" + +"I told ye. Ma candle keeps going oot. What's up yon?" + * * * * * +When the B.M. got back he found a one-sided war in progress on the +telephone. The G.O.C. had heated up the wires to red-heat. + +"Is that you, Nessel? Where the devil have you been? This noise is +still going on. Tell me what it is. No-dam-nonsense-now. Let's have +it." + +"If you want to know and you don't mind the Bosch hearing what I say, +Sir, the dump, the French dump, has b-blown itself to b-blazes." + +"Why the _devil_ couldn't you say so before?" + +Every dog has his day. With a full and fatuous smile the Brigade-Major +picked up a paper and began: "Reference your G. 245/348/24 of the 29th +inst. It says that--" + +Somebody must have taken a bone away from a dog at the other end. He +growled horribly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Flapper (shyly)._ "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT A STAMP +STUCK ON AT _THAT_ ANGLE MEANS IN THE LANGUAGE OF POSTAGE-STAMPS?"] + + * * * * * + +From an account of the Ministerial crisis in Sweden:-- + + "Two imperialist minstrels, however, Von Melsted and + Lengquist, did quite enough mischief."--_Daily Mail_. + +Members of the pro-German band, no doubt. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Punch desires to record thanks to the innumerable correspondents +who have drawn his attention to the statement in _The Daily Chronicle_ +that among the German officers who escaped and were afterwards +recaptured was "Von Thelan, a lieutenant in the lying corps." The +existence of this unit in the German Army has, as most of them point +out, been long suspected, but never officially confirmed till now. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Colonel's Daughter_. "WHAT A WONDERFUL VOICE AND +WHAT A PERFECT ARTIST!" + +_The Colonel_. "DON'T THINK MUCH OF HIM! HE'S GOT A POCKET +UNBUTTONED."] + + * * * * * + +TIPS FOR NON-TIPPERS. + + ["If taxi-cab fares are increased it will put a stop to + tipping."--_Evening Paper_.] + +Only really robust men should refuse to tip the taxi-driver. Many a +City man has set out in the morning intent on giving no tips and has +not been heard of afterwards. + +To enable timid men to avoid a tip, the police are providing +taxi-drivers with antiseptic mouthpieces, through which their words +may be sterilised. + +If the driver insists on a tip do not threaten to take his number. +Just take it and run. If you haven't time for both, just run. + + * * * * * + + "ALL-WOOL Black Cashmere Stockings, winter weight. 1/111/2 + and 2/6 per yard." _Advt. in Scotch Paper_. + +We had always thought hosiery was sold by the foot. + + * * * * * + + "On the estate of the late Hon. Lionel Walrond, Uffculme, + Devon, Robert James, 97, is felling for the purpose of + aeroplane construction aspen trees which he helped to + plant 80 years ago."--_The Times_. + +Three cheers for Mr. ROBERT JAMES! "For he's a jolly good feller!" + + * * * * * + +BEASTS ROYAL. + +II. + +CÆSAR'S GIRAFFE. B.C. 46. + + From Egypt, Africa and Gaul + CÆSAR his Roman triumph brings: + Dark queens and ruddy-bearded kings, + And scowling Britons led in thrall, + And elephants with silver rings; + But oh, more excellent than all, + This pensive beast, this mottled beast, + From the marshes of the East. + + _Patres conscripti_, hail him now + Divine! Through Rome his triumph rolls; + Oysters in barrels, pearls in bowls, + Chariots and horsemen, moving slow + Where purple garlands droop on poles. + _Patres conscripti_, crown his brow, + Who brought us from the golden East + This unimagined peerless beast! + + Never has CÆSAR made our foes + Weep more than he has made us laugh; + He who divides the world in half + With the long shadow of his nose, + And bridges oceans with his staff, + Brings now, with pomp of vine and rose, + This wondering and wondrous beast + From the subjugated East. + + In bronze and basalt let us raise + The bust of CÆSAR; he has done + Great things for Rome; but here is one + Above the rest, o'ertopping praise. + The elephants and kings are gone, + But still the roaring tumult sways-- + Much for the Conqueror of the East, + More for the incomparable beast. + + * * * * * + +AN INVOLUNTARY RAID. + +Life in a convalescent hospital for officers is not one continuous +round of gaiety, but it has its incidents for all that. + +The other day Sister took Haynes, Ansell and myself to have tea with +some people in the neighbouring village of Little Budford. We were +waiting in the hall for the car when Seymour came along. Seymour is an +adjutant when he is not at home, and he likes to see things done with +proper military precision. + +"Here," he said, "you can't go off casually like that. Fall in, +tea-party." + +We fell in, and he went to the smoking-room and woke Major Stanley. + +"Party for tea ready for inspection, Sir," he reported. + +"Who? What? Where?" asked the Major confusedly. "Good Lord, you young +idiot, what a scare you gave me! Thought I was back in France for a +moment. Where's this party paraded?" + +"Hout in the 'all, Sir." Seymour led him to where we were standing at +ease. + +"Party!" he roared. "Shunsuwere!" We gave two convulsive jerks. +"Smarten up there, smarten HUP! Get a move on! This ain't a waxwork. +Shunsuwere!... Shun!! Party present, Sir." + +The Major inspected us. + +"I don't like this smear, Sergeant," he said, pointing to Ansell's +upper lip. + +Seymour examined the feature in question. + +"It don't appear to be dirt, Sir. Some sort o' growth, I think. You +try sand-papering it, me lad, an' you'll find it come orf all right." + +"Very good, Sergeant," answered Ansell solemnly. + +The Major proceeded to Haynes, and eyed him with disfavour. + +"We can't do nothing with this man, Sir," said Seymour deprecatingly. +"'Is legs is that bandy." + +"What do you mean, Private Haynes, by appearing on ceremonial parade +with a pair of bandy legs?" + +"It wasn't my fault, Sir. 'Strewth, it wasn't. They got wet, Sir, an' +I went an' dried 'em at the cook'ouse fire, Sir, an' they got warped, +Sir." + +"Well," said the Major, "don't bring 'em on parade again. Tell your +Q.M.S. I say you're to have a new pair." + +"Very good, Sir." + +The Major passed on to me, and surveyed my left arm more in anger than +in sorrow. + +"Why has this man got his blue band fastened on with pins?" he +demanded. "Why isn't it sewn on? Why hasn't he fastened it on with +elastic? D'you hear me? Are you deaf? Why isn't it sewn on? Why don't +you speak?" + +"Please, Sir...." + +"Don't answer me back! Sergeant, take this man's name. He is insolent. +Take his name for insolence. You are insolent, Sir. You're a disgrace +to the Army. You're a ..." + +"If you've quite finished with my squad, Major," put in Sister in a +quiet voice from the door, "the car is here, and we're late already. I +shall have to push a bit." + +I promptly made for the seat beside the driver, explaining that I +wanted to see the speedometer burst. Sister does a good many things, +and does most of them well; but her particular accomplishment is +her motor-driving. After my experiences in different cars at the +Front--especially those driven by Frenchmen--I thought at first that +motoring had no new thrills to offer me; but when Sister takes corners +I still clutch at anything handy. + +Surrey began to stream past us. The landscape was extremely beautiful, +but only the more distant parts of it were visible except as a mere +blur. After five or six miles we turned into a long straight stretch +of road. + +"The Hepworths live somewhere along this," said Sister. "There's a +lovely sunken garden just in front of the house which I want you to +notice. Hallo! here we are; I thought it was further on." + +The car whizzed round and through a drive gateway half hidden in +trees. When I opened my eyes again I looked for the sunken garden; but +except for a few very prim-looking flower-beds the grounds in front of +the house consisted entirely of a lawn, round which the drive took a +broad circular sweep. + +"It must be the wrong house," said Sister, and without pausing an +instant in our centrifugal career we rushed round the complete circle +and disappeared through the gate as suddenly as we had come. As we +passed the house I had a fleeting glimpse of an old, hard-featured and +furious female face glaring at us from one of the windows. + +On the road we stopped the car so as to regain some measure of gravity +before presenting ourselves at our real destination--next house--but +were still rather hysterical when we arrived. + +"You'll hear more of this," said our hostess, when we had reported our +raid. "Old Miss Mendip lives there--a regular tartar; all kinds of +views; writes to the papers." + + * * * * * + +In a subsequent issue of the local weekly we found the following:-- + + _To the Editor of "The Inshot Times, Great and Little + Budford Chronicle and Home Counties Advertiser_." + +SIR,--Even in _war-time_, when one cannot call our souls our own, +we may surely expect the privacy of individuals and the rights of +property to receive _some_ respect. An Englishman's home is still +his castle, though the debased morals and decayed manners of modern +_Society_ (?) seem to blind its members to the fact. + +I wish to give publicity in your pages to a disgraceful _outrage_ +of which I have been made the victim. On Tuesday last I was rudely +awakened from my afternoon rest by the sound of a large motor-car. +As I did not expect visitors I proceeded to the window in order +to discover to what the _intrusion_ might be due. What was my +_astonishment_ to discover that the vehicle contained a party of four +_perfect strangers_. Three of them, I regret to state, were wounded +officers; they were being driven by one of the modern games-playing +cigarette-smoking young women to whom the old-fashioned word "_lady_" +seems so _singularly_ inapplicable. Their sole object in entering +appeared to be the perpetration of a senseless practical _joke_, for +after _careering_ round my garden at a pace which I can only describe +as _unwomanly_, they went off by the way they had come. + +My gardener, who witnessed the incident, tells me that on reaching +the road they stopped the vehicle and celebrated the success of their +inane efforts by _shrieking_ with that unrestrained mirth which jars +so painfully on refined ears. + +Can _nothing_ be done? + +I am, Sir, Yours faithfully, + +LYDIA MENDIP. + +_Manor Lodge, Little Budford_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Orderly Officer_. "HOW MANY HORSES ARE HERE, PICKET?" + +_Picket (a little fed-up)_. "ER--HORSE LINE, 'SHUN! FROM THE +RIGHT--NUMBER!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN GERMANY. + + "While the horse doeuvres were being served, the Kaiser, etc." + +At the Imperial table, it will be observed, they put the horse before +the _carte_. + + * * * * * + + "He held several Court appointments, including those of Keeper of + the Privy PuPrse to the Prince"--_The Star_. + +It is not every Keeper of the Privy Purse who thus manages to double +the initial capital. + + * * * * * + +THE P.-P.-D. + +Henry is in the War Office, where he takes a hand in the Direction of +Military Aeronautics. To meet him you might almost think that Military +Aeronautics was a one-man show. He has, at any rate in the eyes of the +layman, an encyclopædic knowledge of aircraft and all appertaining +thereto. When he is out for a walk on Sunday with his wife and +daughter, and a British aeroplane passes over them with the usual +fascinating roar, Henry is very superior. Mummy (who is of coarse +clay) and Betty (aged 11/2, and coarser still) are frankly excited +every time. + +"Look at the pretty airship!" says Mummy. + +"Oo-ah!" says Betty. + +"B. E. 4 X.," snaps Henry, without looking at it. + * * * * * +Or rather this is what Henry used to do; but now things are different. +It was Betty who, so to speak, brought him down to earth again. +He had great ambitions for Betty, whom he fondly believed to be +possessed of intelligence above the lot of woman, and he always +laboured prodigiously to advance her education. Betty took to it +philosophically, however, and refused to be hurried; and Henry almost +despaired of getting her beyond two syllables. The "Common Objects +of the Farmyard" were rapidly assimilated, and all the world of +mechanical traction was comprehended in the generic "puff-puff." But +Henry wouldn't be satisfied with this very creditable repertoire. "Out +of respect for her father, if for no other reason," he would insist, +"she _must_ learn to say 'aeroplane.'" + +"How ridiculous!" said Mummy, who always called them "airships," to +annoy Henry; "and anyhow it's no use going on at her; she never will +say things to order. If you'll only leave her alone for a bit she'll +probably say it, and then your sordid ambition will be gratified." + +But Henry cared for none of these things, and when Sunday came, and +with it Sunday's promenade and Sunday's aeroplane, he went at it as +hard as ever. + +"Say 'air-ye-play,'" he commanded, as the pram was brought to a +standstill and the droning monster passed overhead. + +Betty gazed raptly at the entrancing thing. Then suddenly she raised a +fat hand and pointed. "Oo-ah!" she said, "puff-puff-dicky!" + + * * * * * +And nowadays Henry's omniscience is decently obscured under a +capacious bushel. If you meet an aeroplane when you are walking with +him and ask humbly for his verdict thereon, in the expectation of an +explosion of clipped technical jargon, he will stop and study its +outline with great attention, and will eventually inform you, to your +respectful mystification, that it is a "P.-P.-D." Thereafter he will +chuckle most unofficially. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_. "WELL, MRS. GUBBINS, WHAT IS THE WEATHER GOING +TO BE TO-DAY?" + +_Charwoman_. "OH, I DON'T KNOW, MUM. I'M NOT MUCH OF A WEATHERCOCK."] + + * * * * * + +MORE SEX PROBLEMS. + + "Wanted, a Blue Bull (Nilgai or Rojh). Apply, stating sex, + age, height and price."--_Pioneer_. + + * * * * * + +From a German _communiqué_:-- + + "On the eastern bank of the Mouse desperate fishing + continues."--_Edinburgh Evening Paper_. + +And the Bosch has caught more than he bargained for. + + * * * * * + +From the report of the meeting, in London, of the Executive Committee +of the National Farmers' Union:-- + + "Farmers had hundreds of acres of grass which they were willing + to turn into meat, but were prevented from doing so." + +Mr. Punch thinks that the difficulty might be overcome if the meat +were turned into the grass. + + * * * * * + +THE H.Q. TOUCH. + + Command Headquarters (who, of course, + Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse-- + I mean, without considering + The animal; the ride's the thing) + On Army Form--I cannot think + Precisely which; the form was pink-- + Instructed Captain So-and-so, + With certain other ranks, to go + And at a given hour report, + With rifles, such-and-such a sort, + So many rounds of S.A.A. + Per man, and so much oats and hay + Per horse (as specified and charged + On War Establishments, enlarged, + Revised and issued as amended); + And here the said instruction ended, + "Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3, + For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G." + The reason why the form was thus + Truncated was--alas for us!-- + That Major Blank, a hasty man, + Neglected his accustomed plan + And failed, in short, to P.T.O., + So never told us where to go. + + We drafted a polite reply:-- + "Your such a number, Fourth July; + Instructions touching destination + Requested, please, for information." + And Captain So-and-So and men + Donned and inspected kits. + And then + Command Headquarters went and wired: + "The draft in question not required. + When any draft is _wanted_ you + Will hear _precisely_ what to do; + No error ever passes through + This office. You will therefore not + In future tell US what is what; + WE know; and WE are on the spot. + The G.O.C.-in-C. is much + Displeased." + The old Headquarters' touch. + + * * * * * + +OUR SPOILT PETS. + + "Cottage, suitable for pigs and poultry."--_Birmingham + Daily Mail_. + + * * * * * + + "SUSAN'S PUDDING.--This is a super-excellent pudding, and, + as times go, the cost of the material used is not excessive. + Required: One cup each of flour, breadcrumbs, raisins (stoned + and chopped), currants (washed and dried), also a teacupful + of baking powder.... If served only on occasion--a special + occasion--the most scrupulously careful housewife should not + be troubled by uneasy sensations."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + +We should--after a teacupful of baking powder. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BELGIAN "MENACE." + +KAISER. "IF I GRANT YOU MY GRACIOUS PARDON, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT +TO TERRORISE ME AGAIN?" + +{"Belgium would be required to give a guarantee that any such +menace as that which threatened Germany in 1914 would in future be +excluded."--_German Foreign Secretary to Papal Nuncio at Munich_.}] + + * * * * * + +RAID JOTTINGS. + +A good deal of dissatisfaction is expressed with the state of the +cellars to which people have been invited during the raids. "Surely," +writes one of our correspondents, "it is a scandal that, at this time +in the world's history, some cellars should be totally destitute +of wine. That there should be no coal in the coal-cellars is +understandable enough; but to ask the timid public into empty wine +cellars is a travesty of hospitality." + + * * * * * + +Every effort will be made when the House reassembles to provide +separate cellars for the SPEAKER and Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING. + + * * * * * + +Mr. JIMMY WILDE, the Welsh boxer, it has been widely announced, had a +marvellous escape from an air-bomb. The little champion (for once not +in a position to hit back) was standing in the door of his hotel when +the projectile dropped, and blew him along the passage, but inflicted +no injuries. The world will therefore hear from Mr. WILDE again, whose +future antagonists should view with a shudder this inability of the +Gothas to knock him out. + + * * * * * + +Mr. WILDE is, however, not alone in his good fortune. From all the +bombarded parts, and from some others, come news of remarkable pieces +of good luck, due almost or wholly to the fact that the bombs fell on +spots where our correspondents were not standing, although they might +easily have been there had they not been elsewhere. The similarity of +their experience is indeed most striking. + + * * * * * + +Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, for example, who disapproves of soldiers laughing, +happened to be in the country on the night of the 24th. Had he been +in town he might, in a melancholy reverie caused by the incorrigible +light-heartedness of his fellow-countrymen, have wandered bang into +the danger zone. No one can be too thankful that he did not. + + * * * * * + +Sir HENRY WOOD'S project to play TCHAIKOVSKY'S "1812" in such +perfect time that the audience will have the pleasure of hearing our +anti-aircraft men supply the big-gun effects, although laudable, is, +it is feared, doomed to failure. + + * * * * * + +There was no air raid over London on Wednesday the 26th. The sudden +noise (which happily produced no panic) in His Majesty's Theatre was +merely Miss LILY BRAYTON dropping the clothes she was not wearing. + + * * * * * + +A CONSTANT RAIDER writes:--"It is understood that the German +airmen's motto--borrowed, without acknowledgment, from the dental +profession--is 'We spare no panes.'" + + * * * * * + +In view of recent events Miss TENNYSON JESSE is considering whether +her new novel, _Secret Bread_, should be renamed _Air-raided Bread_. + + * * * * * + +Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN is very anxious that it should be known that not a +single bomb hit him. Had any of them done so, the consequences might +have been very serious. This happy immunity being his, he wishes it +also to be known that his various and meritorious theatres are doing +even more astonishing business than before. + + * * * * * + +Mr. COCHRAN, however, together with other theatrical managers, has a +dangerous rival. The raids are threatening to ruin the matinées now so +prevalent by setting up counter attractions. The thousands of people +(not only errand-boys) who now stand all day to watch the workmen mend +a hole in the roadway caused by a bomb would otherwise, but for this +engrossing and never tedious spectacle, be in this theatre or that. + + * * * * * + +Mr. HALL CAINE telegraphs from the Isle of Man that no bombs having +fallen there he remains intact. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GOOD NEWS, LADS; WE'VE GOT A CHANGE FER TEA TO-NIGHT." +"WHAT IS IT?" "ROUND BISCUITS INSTEAD O' SQUARE ONES."] + + * * * * * + +THE IDEAL LODGER. + + "Wanted, two Single Rooms, in private or boarding house; special + arrangements for constant absence."--_Australian Paper_. + + * * * * * + +LETTERS OF A GENERAL TO HIS SON + +(_ON OBTAINING A JUNIOR STAFF APPOINTMENT_). + +MY DEAR BOY,--We both congratulate you heartily on your appointment. +Acting on your suggestion, I have hinted to your mother that her +anxieties for your safety may be considerably lessened in consequence. +You will, of course, continue to address letters likely to cause her +any apprehension to my club. On entering this new phase of your career +you will not take it amiss if I offer you a few words of practical +advice:-- + +1. Do not neglect your advantages. Always visit the line with a double +mission, one for the right of the line and one for the left--and see +which they are shelling. + +2. If they are strafing all along the line, inspect Transport. + +3. Cultivate the detached manner when dealing with all but the very +senior. This will give you what is called distinction. Charm will come +later. + +4. What you don't know, guess. If wrong, guess again. + +5. Always put off on to others what you cannot do yourself. + +6. What little you do, do well--and see that it gets talked about. +Medals are going round, and you may as well have them as anybody else. + +7. Belong to a good Mess and invite people who are inclined to +criticise. + +8. When rung up on a subject of which you know nothing, learn +to conduct the conversation so that you abstract the necessary +enlightenment from the questioner himself (while appearing to be +perfectly conversant with what he is talking about), and, if possible, +get him to suggest the answer to his own conundrum. In other words, +bluff as in poker (which I trust you don't play). + +These are just a few little hints that have occurred to me. Your own +good sense will guide you as to the rest. Everybody at home is taking +a tremendous interest in the War, I'm glad to say. Hardly a day passes +but I am asked at least a dozen times when it is going to be over. + +Your affectionate Father, etc., etc. + + * * * * * + +From an order recently issued at the Front: + + "Great care must always be exercised in tethering horses to + trees, as they are apt to bark, and thereby destroy the trees." + +Wow, wow! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERFECT LIFE. + +"YES, GAFFER. ME AN' MY OLE WOMAN 'ERE 'AVE LIVED TOGETHER THESE +FORTY YEAR, AN' NEVER 'AD A QUARREL--FORTY YEAR, MIND YER, AN' +NEVER BIN BEFORE THE MAGISTRATE!"] + + * * * * * + +SIGNS OF INNS. + + The Herald lives in cloister grey; + He lives by clerkly rules; + He dreams in coats and colours gay, + In _argent_, _or_ and _gules_; + He blazons knightly shield and banner + In dim monastic hall, + And in a grave and reverend manner + He earns his bread withal. + + Were I a herald fair and fit + So featly for to limn + As though I'd learnt the lore of it + Among the seraphim, + I'd leave the schools to clerkly people + And walk, as dawn begins, + From steeple unto distant steeple, + And paint the signs of inns. + + _The Dragon_, as I'd see him, is + A loving beast and long, + And oh, the _Goat and Compasses_, + 'Twould fill my soul with song; + _The Bell_, _The Bull_, _The Rose and Rummer_, + Such themes should like me still + At Yule, or when the heart of Summer + Lies blue on vale and hill. + + Let others' blazonry find place + Supported, scrolled with gold, + A glowing dignity and grace + On honoured walls and old; + And let it likewise be attended + In stately circumstance + With mottos writ o' Latin splendid + Or courtly words of France; + + But I would paint _The Golden Tun_ + And others to my mind, + And mellow them in rain and sun, + And hang them on the wind; + And I would say, "My handcraft creaking + On this autumnal gale + Unto all wayfarers is speaking + In praise of rest and ale." + + Then bless the man who puts a sign + Above his wide door's beam, + And bless the hop-root, fruit and vine, + For still I dream my dream, + Where, as the flushing East turns pinker + And tardy day begins, + I take the road like any tinker + And paint the signs of inns. + + * * * * * + + "INSTANT DEMAND FOR WARNINGS. + + "MAYORS OF LONDON MOVING." + + _Evening News_. + +They ought to set a better example. + + * * * * * + + "Certain people seem to have misread the statement last week + that flour would be reduced 1s. 11/2d. that flour would be + reduced to 1s. 11/2d. but that that that flour would be reduced + to 1s. 111/2d. but that amount or somewhere about it would be + taken off the former price."--_Rossendale Free Press_. + +There ought to be no misunderstanding after this. + + * * * * * + + "At such close quarters were attackers and attacked that to + have used grenades would manifestly have been equally dangerous + to both. So, after a brief pause to collect the means, our men + began to pelt the Huns with bottles filled with water. Apparently + the enemy thought this was some new form of 'frightfulness,' + for they speedily threw down their arms and tossed up their + hands."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +Our contemporary, while rightly applauding the resourcefulness of our +bombers, might have given the Germans credit for their remarkable feat +of acrobacy. + + * * * * * + +FOR SERVICES RENDERED. + +If ever, in a railing mood, I have unjustly aspersed the Army; if, +by reason of deferred pay, over-diluted stew, or leave adjourned, I +have accused the Powers That Be of a step-motherly indifference to +my welfare, I hereby withdraw unreservedly all such aspersions and +accusations. For since my discharge tokens of kindly interest and +affection have reached me in such rapid succession that I am kept +wondering what the next will be. With a quarter of a million men in +his care (as I suppose, since my number was 256801), my fatherly +Record Officer has yet time for frequent correspondence with "crocks" +like me. He registers all his letters; he makes his instructions so +plain that a very suckling might understand them; he takes every +precaution lest, in the press of business, I should be overlooked. + +I had been at home about a week when his first communication +arrived--an unexpected windfall purporting to represent the balance of +my pay and allowances. The method of computation would probably have +transcended my intelligence if it had been indicated; but there was no +attempt at explanation, nor did I desire it. I stamped and signed the +receipt form according to unmistakable directions, and returned it to +Headquarters. A few days later certain arrears of Separation Allowance +came to hand--arrears whose existence our own unaided sagacity would +never have revealed. Guided by an illustrative diagram we signed +the receipt in due form and returned it. Before we had ceased +congratulating ourselves on these accessions, yet another instalment +of pay was delivered, with form of receipt as in the previous case. +We were almost convinced that the country cottage and the leisured +ease of our dreams were within our grasp, but the well ran dry at +that point. Some of my balance may yet lurk in the coffers of the +Paymaster, but I dare not throw off the yoke of my bondage on the +strength of a bare possibility. + +After a brief interval, Records returned to the charge with a bulky +envelope containing matter of great interest. One of the enclosures +certified that, for the term of three months, I was transferred to +Class W.P., Army Reserve. I made various conjectures as to the meaning +of "W," and so did Cinderella. On the whole we favoured "Warrior," +but perhaps we were wrong. At all events, the interpretation of "P" +was clearly set forth by another document, which explained that I was +entitled to a pension of eight shillings and threepence per week so +long as I remained among the happy W.P.'s. There was also an identity +certificate, whereon some clergyman, magistrate or policeman must +attest that I was alive when I brought it to him, and a form of +receipt for all the papers in the batch. I signed it according to +instructions and returned it to Headquarters. + +The identity certificate went back to a specified address, where +it set in motion machinery by which my pension paper was presently +delivered to me--accompanied by a form of receipt. This paper was +covered with mystic circles, whose meaning I discovered when I +presented myself at the post-office. They were apparently intended to +appease the presiding divinity by gratifying her passion for stamping +things. She hit my paper accurately in four of its rings, and then, +with a pleased smile, handed me thirty-three shillings. + +Meanwhile Records had stirred up a benevolent neighbour to call upon +me. He belonged to an organisation for assisting discharged soldiers; +he was Opportunity in person for anyone who might need him; but, +as Cinderella explained, I was at that moment engaged upon work of +national importance and could not claim his help. Nevertheless she +thanked the gentleman and placed the incident to the credit of the +Powers That Be. + +No acknowledgment was required for this visit; but a week later my war +services' badge was delivered per registered post, and I confessed the +fact both on the usual green slip and on the form of receipt which was +enclosed. Henceforth I was able to appear in public with an outward +and visible sign of the ferocity which underlies my demeanour, and my +most lurid tales had a substantial witness. + +Two months went by, during which the O. i/c Records made no further +additions to our postbag. There are mornings when your friends appear +to have forgotten you, when a Levitical postman bangs your neighbour's +gate mockingly and forthwith crosses the street. On such mornings +our thoughts may have turned to Records with a certain yearning; but +mainly we felt his care like the air about us, and had no need that it +should materialise in idle correspondence. + +At last my term of probation came to an end. In response to a +note from Records (with form for receipt) I returned my Transfer +Certificate and received in its place my final Discharge Papers--with +a form for receipt. At the same time I heard that the Commissioners +were in earnest consultation as to the continuance of my pension. + +Thus goodness and loving-kindness have followed me ever since I handed +in the uniform. To this day I am the subject of anxious consideration. +Not a week ago the early post brought me my character. Imagine the +incessant parental watchfulness of an authority which can testify +concerning one two hundred and fifty thousandth of its charge that +he is "a good soldier, willing and industrious, honest, sober, +trustworthy and well-conducted." Think of the kindly interest which +prompted the O. i/c Records to insert a form of receipt--"to guard +against impersonation." My character might have got into base hands; +some unworthy person might have gone about professing to possess that +willingness, that industry, that sobriety, that trustworthiness and +that elegance of conduct which are mine alone; but the form of receipt +would baffle him. I cannot explain how, but Records knows. + +What is yet in store for me the future bides; but this I know: while +England endures and Records continues to record, I shall not walk +alone. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady farm-help, being shown her new duties, notices +fowls having dust-bath._ "DEAR ME! I EXPECT THEY'LL WANT WASHING EVERY +NIGHT BEFORE I PUT THEM TO ROOST. I'D NO IDEA FOWLS WERE SUCH DIRTY +THINGS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Aunty (wishing to be sympathetic)_. "I'M GLAD TO HEAR +YOU'VE GOT YOUR SEA-LEGS, JACK, AND I HOPE YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING ON +EQUALLY WELL AND HAS GOT HIS TRENCH-FEET."] + + * * * * * + +PURE ENGLISH. + + [A writer in _The Daily Express_ has been discussing the + questions where and by whom the purest English is spoken + and written, and pronounces strongly in favour of East + Anglia, FITZGERALD, BORROW and Mr. CONRAD.] + + Once more 'tis discussed + What guides we should trust + If we wish to write prose to perfection; + Is it BORROW or "FITZ," + _The Times_ or _Tit Bits_? + And how should we make our selection? + + Once on NEWMAN and FROUDE + We were bidden to brood + If we aimed at distinction and purity; + And, when we escaped + From their influence, aped + GEORGE MEREDITH'S vivid obscurity. + + The remarkable style + Of old THOMAS CARLYLE + Found many a lover and hater; + And precious young men + Who made play with the pen + Were devoted disciples of PATER. + + But these idols we've burned + And have latterly learned + That "distinction"'s an utter delusion; + For if you would aim + At a popular fame + You must cultivate "vim" or effusion. + + JOSEPH CONRAD (a Pole) + Some place on the whole + At the top of the tree for his diction; + But his style, I opine, + Is a little too fine + For the average reader of fiction. + + If you can't be a WELLS, + Or aspire to Miss DELL'S + Impassioned and fervid variety, + You still may attain + To CHARLES GARVICE'S strain + And leaven Romance with propriety. + + For democracy shies + At the artist who tries + To express himself subtly or darkly; + And the man in the street + In a fair plébiscite + Would probably crown Mrs. BARCLAY. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a sermon:-- + + "We meet here to-day under circumstances which are not + ordinary ... We seem to hear 'the sound of a gong in + the tops of the mulberry trees.'"--_The Record_. + +This must be some air-raid warning by the rural police. + + * * * * * + + "On the roads near by 'a Verdun' signposts have been + replaced by new ones reading 'A Glorieux Verdun.' The + name of France herself might well be altered to + 'Glorieux France.'"--_Canadian Paper_. + +_Vive le France!_ + + * * * * * + +From a report of the British Cotton-growing Association:-- + + "The negotiations with the Government for the development + of the irritation scheme for the Gezira plain are still + under consideration."--_The Field_. + +We trust we shall hear no more of this vexatious project. + + * * * * * + + A lodging-house keeper at Whitby + Saw a couple of Zeppelins flit by; + Though she felt a sharp sting, + It's a curious thing + That she never knew which she was hit by. + + * * * * * + + "War conditions have given occasion in Germany for the study + of an oedema disease (swelling) unknown in peace times. Among + the civil population it has been generally located in the feet + and legs, and in more than one-half of the cases studied some + degree of facial swelling was present."--_Daily Paper_. + +This last symptom is especially noticeable in the case of the KAISER. + + * * * * * + + "Prior to the meeting [of the Irish Convention] in Cork the + members of the secretariat attended in Sir Horace Plunkett's + private room, and presented him with a solid ivory chairman's + mantle."--_Dublin Evening Mail_. + +But we are glad to state that the proceedings were quite orderly, and +that the Chairman did not need this protective garment. + + * * * * * + +GOING BACK. + +"In these days," I began, but Francesca interrupted me. + +"When anyone starts like that," she said, "I know he's going to make +the War an excuse for doing something rather more paltry than usual." + +"'Paltry' is not," I said, "a very nice word." + +"I'll take the phrase back and substitute 'rather less noble and +generous.'" + +"Yes, I like that better. I'll pass it in that form as your comment on +what you haven't yet allowed me to say." + +"Quick," she said; "what was it? Don't leave me in suspense." + +"In these days," I said, "one mustn't spend too much on railway +companies." + +"True," she said. "I'm with you there in these or any other days." + +"And therefore," I continued, "it will be quite enough if one of us +accompanies Frederick, our lively ten-year-old, to begin his second +term at school. There is no necessity whatever for both of us to go +with him." + +"Hear, hear!" said Francesca; "your idea is better than I thought. I +will go with Frederick and you can stay at home and look after the +girls." + +"No," I said firmly, "I will take Frederick, and you must remain +behind and keep an eye on Muriel, Nina and Alice." + +"No," she said. + +"Yes," I said; "my eye's not good enough for the job; it hasn't been +trained for it. I should be sure to mislay one of the girls, and then +you'd never forgive yourself for having put upon me a burden greater +than I could bear. Besides," I added, "goings back to school are in +the man's department, with football, cricket, boxing and things of +that kind." + +"And what," she said scornfully, "are you graciously pleased to leave +in my department?" + +"Oh, I thought you knew. I leave to you table-manners, tidiness +(that's a tough one), hand-washing (that's a tougher), reading aloud +from Kipling and tucking him up in bed." + +"Quite a good list, if by no means a complete one; but in these days +one mustn't be too critical. Anyhow it proves that I must take the boy +back to school." + +"It proves just the contrary." + +"No," she said, "it proves what ought to be there by leaving it out." + +"That," I said, "is a record even for you, Francesca." + +"Well, it's logical anyway. How, for instance, could you talk to +the Matron? You'd be utterly lost before you'd been at it for half +a minute." + +"Don't you worry about that," I said. "I have accomplishments of which +you don't seem to be aware, and one of them is talking to Matrons at +preparatory schools." + +"Anyhow, you're not going to have a chance of showing it off this +time, _because I am going to take the boy back to school_. That's +final." + +It was, and in due time Francesca took the boy back. Her account of +the farewell moments was not without a certain amount of pathos, +several other mothers and their boys being involved in the valedictory +scene. Four or five days afterwards, however, we received the +following letter, which put to flight any idea that Frederick might be +pining:-- + +"I am very happy this term, and I am getting on fairly well in my +work. I like football much better than cricket. I have three or four +times just not got a goal, once it was when I kicked into goal the +goalkeeper (3 st. 4 lb.!) rushed out and kicked it away, and once when +we were playing Blues and Reds, and I was on the Blue side, and I +managed by good luck to get through a crowd of shouting Reds and +followed it up amidst shouts from the Blues and shot it to the Red +goal; but the goalkeeper (a different one) came out and hit it away, +at which I twisted my knee and collapsed (not with pain, because it +wasn't anything, but with anger and _desparation!_) Am I to learn +boxing this term? I am sorry to hear the hens are not behaving well." + +I should like to have seen the bold goalkeeper of 3 st. 4 lb. It is a +proud weight. + +R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +YESTERDAY IN OXFORD STREET. + + Yesterday in Oxford Street, oh, what d'you think, my dears? + I had the most exciting time I've had for years and years; + The buildings looked so straight and tall, the sky was blue between, + And, riding on a motor-bus, I saw the fairy queen! + + Sitting there upon the rail and bobbing up and down, + The sun was shining on her wings and on her golden crown; + And looking at the shops she was, the pretty silks and lace-- + She seemed to think that Oxford Street was quite a lovely place. + + And once she turned and looked at me and waved her little hand, + But I could only glare and stare, oh, would she understand? + I simply couldn't speak at all, I simply couldn't stir, + And all the rest of Oxford Street was just a shining blur. + + Then suddenly she shook her wings--a bird had fluttered by-- + And down into the street she looked and up into the sky, + And perching on the railing on a tiny fairy toe + She flashed away so quickly that I hardly saw her go. + + I never saw her any more, although I looked all day; + Perhaps she only came to peep and never meant to stay; + But oh, my dears, just think of it, just think what luck for me + That she should come to Oxford Street and I be there to see! + +R. F. + + * * * * * + +LIGHT ON THE SITUATION. + + "Dr. Michaelis is the trusted no-hold-out until their plans + of annexation have been carried out, and they always receive + a gracious telegram in reply. So he who cares to hear knows + what the hour is striking."--_Egyptian Mail_. + + * * * * * + +JOURNALISTIC HUMILITY. + + "Two years ago The Daily Mail begged our sluggish authorities + to study the question of daylight air-raids as well as night + attacks. We pointed out their risk; we asked that the best + means of meeting them should be considered and the best method + of warning the public investigated. The result was that nothing + was done."--_Daily Mail_. + + * * * * * + + "Of old was it written that they who taketh up the sword shall + perish by the sword, and the written word remaineth."--_The + Daily Mirror_. + +But it hath been a little damaged in the interval. + + * * * * * + + "It may be estimated the Germans opposing our troops represented + an average concentration of more than four men to every yard of + front."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +Never could it have been done with four pre-war Germans! + + * * * * * + + "Up to July 26 1,559 lists had been issued officially of German + casualties. Each list contained 19,802 pages of three columns + per page, and each column contained between 80 and 90 names of + dead, wounded, and missing officers and men--a total of nearly + 6,000,000."--_Daily Sketch_. + +We trust our spirited contemporary has not joined the Hide-the-Truth +Press, for we make the sum approximately 7,872,186,090. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (to father of conscientious +objector)._ "BUT SUPPOSING A GERMAN WAS GOING FOR YOUR SON WITH A +BAYONET--WOULDN'T HE GO FOR THE GERMAN?" + +_Father of C.O._ "AY! I DOUBT HE'D SAY SUMMAT. 'E'S GOT A SHARP TONGUE +WHEN 'E'S VEXED."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +I think I prefer Mr. WELLS'S recent essay in the Newest Theology to +this too concrete illustration of _The Soul of a Bishop_ (CASSELL). +It's not that I object to the irreverence of stripping a poor tired +bishop of cassock and gaiters, pursuing him to a sleepless bed and +cinematographing all his physical twistings and turnings, his moral +misgivings, his torturing doubts. I owe too much to Mr. WELLS' +irreverences to mind that sort of thing; and I must say that, for a +man who can't have had very much to do with the episcopacy in his +busy life, he does manage to give a confoundedly plausible atmosphere +to the whole setting. There are two letters from an older bishop to +_Dr. Scrope_, the one, yieldingly tolerant, to dissuade him from +resignation, the other, written after the accomplished fact, with +touches of exquisitely restrained yet palpable malice, which strike +me as masterly projections. Mr. WELLS also contrives a wonderful +impressiveness in certain passages of the bishop's three visions. But +I can't, even after careful re-reading, see the point of making the +bishop's enlightenment depend upon a mysterious drug. This has an +effect of impishness. There is nothing in _Dr. Scrope's_ development +that might not have taken place without this fantastic assistance.... +I suppose the general suggestion of this rather wayward and hasty but +conspicuously sincere book is, that if only an occasional bishop would +secede it would make it easier for the plain man to listen to the +rest. And there may be something in this. + +To those who are in love with Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S incurable romanticism +or who have a taste for heroines that "stiffen in a sudden stroke +of passion looking for the instant electrically beautiful," let me +commend _The Red Planet_ (LANE). As a matter of fact _Betty_, the +heroine, is quite a dear, and the narrator, _Major Meredyth_, a maimed +hero of the Boer War, who looks at this one from the tragic angle of +an invalid chair, is, apart from a habit of petulant and not very +profound grousing at Governments in _The Daily Rail_ manner, a sport +who thoroughly deserves the reward of poor widowed _Betty's_ hand +on the last page but one. Perhaps he does not show a very ready +understanding of the phenomenon of physical cowardice in the case of a +brother-officer, though later he makes amends. But I take it that it +was Mr. LOCKE'S idea to present a very ordinary decent sort with the +common man's prejudices and frank distrust of subtleties. A sinister +mystery of love, death and blackmail runs, a turbid undercurrent, +through the story. The publisher's pathetic apology for the drab grey +paper on which, in the interests of War Economy, the book is printed, +makes one wonder how the other publishers who still issue books in +black and white manage to live. + + * * * * * + +Of the literary reputations that the War has, so to speak, dug in, I +suppose none to be more firmly consolidated than that of Mr. PATRICK +MACGILL. The newest of his several battle-books is _The Brown +Brethren_ (JENKINS), a title derived from the campaigning colour +that has amended a popular quotation till it should now read "the +thin brown line of heroes." I can hardly tell you anything about +Mr. MACGILL'S new book that you have not probably read or said for +yourself of the previous volumes. For my own part, if the War is to +be written about at all (a question concerning which I preserve an +open mind), I say let it be, as here, the real thing, and the hotter +and stronger the better. There is rough humour in these sketches of +soldier types, and just enough story to thread them together; but it +is the fighting that counts. Certain chapters, for example that about +_Benner's_ struggle with the Hun sniper, seem to leave one bruised and +breathless as from personal conflict. Mr. MACGILL writes about war as +he knows it, horribly, in a way that carries conviction like a charge +of bayonets, and with an entire disregard of the sensibilities of the +stay-at-home reader. For all which reasons _The Brown Brethren_ and +their French friends are assured of the success that they certainly +deserve. Here's wishing them the best of it! + + * * * * * + +In _The Sentence of the Court_ (WARD, LOCK) Mr. FRED M. WHITE +contrives effectively to entangle our interest in one of those webs of +facile intrigue from which the reader escapes only at the last line of +the last page, muttering at he lays the volume down and observes with +concern that it is 2.30 A.M., "What rot!" The title of the story is +misleading. There is no Court, and nobody is sentenced, though the +eminent specialist of Harley Street who essays the _rôle_ of villain +richly deserves to be. However, as he is left a bankrupt, discredited +in his practice and detached from the heroine whom he had sworn to +appropriate, it would perhaps be straining a point to cavil at his +remaining at large. The idea upon which the story is based, and which +enables the author to clothe his characters and their actions with +bewildering mystery, is essentially good and, I believe, new, though +far be it from me to do either Mr. WHITE or the reader the disservice +of saying what it is. Suffice that we are introduced to some quite +charming people, as well as two extremely unpleasant ones, and if the +web of mystery is held together in places by a somewhat generous share +of obtuseness on the part of the persons concerned it is not for us to +complain, since we become aware of the defect only after the affair is +over. + + * * * * * + +Apart from the greater complaint that I do not like her subject, which +probably is entirely my own fault, I have nothing but praise for Mrs. +STANLEY WRENCH'S latest volume, _Beat_ (DUCKWORTH), except as regards +her amazing fondness for drooping the corners of her characters' +mouths, generally either "wistfully" or "sullenly." It only made one +annoyed when _Beatrix's_ unpleasant sisters developed the trick, +but when poor little _Beat_ herself was affected that way, in spite +of the magnificent courage with which she faced the burden of +deputy-motherhood, it made one miserable as well. The task she had +undertaken was a prodigious one, for the sisters she had to rear +were, you must understand, vexed with sex instincts of the type of +the modern novel, and so in a large measure she failed, even though +she sacrificed strength, happiness and even her own love-story in +the effort to keep them straight. The tale is set out with every +circumstance of sordid misery, in which the spiritual beauty of +the heroine is meant to shine, and undeniably does shine with +real strength and purity. The successive deaths of the mother and +step-mother, the shabby London lodgings, the fall of _Veronica_, the +selfishness of _Beat's_ boy-friend, and the loathsome trade of her +lover--these, and more horrors and lapses beside, are all taxed for +the general effect in so able and vivid a fashion that the authoress +succeeds to admiration in making her readers nearly as uncomfortable +as her characters, long before the climax is reached. The end comes +rather less wretchedly than could have been expected, but even so +surely this is genius partly run to seed. The greatest tragedies are +not written in these minor keys. _Beat_, woman and heroine, is so +admirable that one fain would know her apart from all this unredeemed +welter of sex and selfishness. + + * * * * * + +I confess I should have thought that the fictional possibilities +of being as like as two peas to Royalty were fairly exhausted. But +apparently Mr. EDGAR JEPSON does not share this view; and it is only +fair to admit that in _The Professional Prince_ (HUTCHINSON) he has +contrived to give a novel twist to the already well laboured theme. +_Prince Richard_ (precise nationality unstated) was so bored with +the common round of his exalted duties that, hearing of a convenient +double, he engages him, at four hundred a year and pickings, to +represent him at dull functions, and incidentally to pay the requisite +attentions to the young woman, reported by photograph as depressingly +plain, whom political considerations have marked as the _Prince's +fiancée_. When later one of the characters points out to His Highness +that this conduct showed some lapse from the finer ideals of taste, I +am bound to say that I could find no words of contradiction. However +the originality arrives when _John Stuart_, the deputy, instead of +falling in love with the bride-elect in Ruritanian fashion, develops +a marked liking for the prosaic side of his job, and insists upon +lecturing his supposed relations upon the political crisis of the +moment. Capital fun this. When the _fiancée_ in her turn proved wholly +different from the photograph I permitted myself to hope that we +were in for a double masquerade--but this was to expect too much. +Still, Mr. JEPSON has handled his wildly-preposterous plot with +great verve; and even if the central situation is one that has been +often encountered before, this only proves again that HOPE springs +eternal.... But I wish he had avoided the War. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Manager of Automatic Dreadnought Pianofortissimo +Company (enthusiastically to Literary Gentleman who has written a +moving appeal to the public in favour of the Company's goods)._ "MY +DEAR SIR, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT. IT ALMOST MAKES ME DECIDE TO BUY ONE +OF THE THINGS FOR MYSELF."] + + * * * * * + +"WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED." + + "Wanted, modern Detached Villa Residence, inside tram + lines."--_Northern Whig_. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10711 *** |