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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10711 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+OCTOBER 3, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+There is no truth in the rumour that the Imperial Government is trying
+to secure from KING ALFONSO an agreement that German prisoners shall
+not escape on Sundays or in batches of more than fifty at a time.
+
+       ***
+
+"Far better another year of war," said the Bishop of LONDON in a
+recent sermon, "than to leave it to the baby in the cradle to do it
+over again." Too much importance should not be attached to these
+ill-judged reflections on the younger members of the Staff.
+
+       ***
+
+In Berlin a crowd of people attempted to do some injury to an officer
+on the paltry excuse that he ordered the execution of thirty people
+for alleged espionage. The German people have always been a little
+jealous of the privileges of the military.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain N. BERNIERS, who has just returned to Quebec, reports that the
+Eskimos had not heard of the War. We should be the last to worry Lord
+NORTHCLIFFE at present, but it certainly looks as if the Circulation
+Manager of _The Daily Mail_ has been slacking.
+
+       ***
+
+We really think more care should be taken by the authorities to see
+that, while waging war on the Continent, they do not forget the
+defence of those at home. The fact that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and Mr.
+HORATIO BOTTOMLEY were away in France at the same time looks like
+gross carelessness.
+
+       ***
+
+"Next to the field of Mars we must pay homage to the forge of Vulcan,"
+said the KAISER in a recent speech. A stout fellow, this Vulcan, but
+as a forger not really in the ALL-HIGHEST'S class.
+
+       ***
+
+Taxicabs are to be entitled to charge a shilling for the first mile.
+The bus fare for the remainder of the distance will be the same as
+heretofore.
+
+       ***
+
+It is stated that fifty per cent. of the sugar forms have been filled
+in wrong. On the other hand a number of our youthful hedonists are
+complaining that as far as sugar is concerned their forms have never
+been anywhere near filled in.
+
+       ***
+
+A Wood Green gentleman has written to an evening paper to say that he
+has grown a vegetable marrow which weighs forty-three pounds. There is
+some talk of his being elected an Honorary Angler.
+
+       ***
+
+A Grimsby lady who has just celebrated her hundredth birthday states
+that she has never visited a cinema theatre. We felt sure there must
+be an explanation somewhere.
+
+       ***
+
+It seems a pity that the Willesden Health Committee should have
+troubled to pass a resolution about the decreasing birth-rate. When we
+remember air-raids and the shortage of sugar it is only natural that
+people should show a disinclination to be born just now.
+
+       ***
+
+"I don't care how soon a General Election comes," says Mr. JOHN
+DILLON, M.P. It is this dare-devil spirit which has made so many
+Irishmen what they are. The recruiting officer has no terrors for
+them.
+
+       ***
+
+HENRY ELIONSKY, of New York, has succeeded in swimming seven miles
+with his legs tied to a chair and with heavy boots and clothing. It
+is not known why he did it, but we gather that CHARLIE CHAPLIN is now
+wondering whether he was wise, after all, in becoming a naturalised
+American.
+
+       ***
+
+The wave of crime still sweeps the country. On top of the £30,000
+jewel robbery comes the news that a man has been charged with breaking
+into a London tobacconist's shop and stealing a box of matches value
+1/2d. (price 11/2d.).
+
+       ***
+
+A letter has just reached a City office addressed to the tenants who
+occupied the premises twenty years ago. Fortunately such cases of
+loitering on the part of our postmen are extremely rare.
+
+       ***
+
+An infuriated bull has been killed in High Street, Tonbridge, after
+wrecking several shop windows. It is thought that the animal had
+misread the directions on its sugar card.
+
+       ***
+
+A number of people have complained that they could hear nothing of the
+recent air-raids over London, owing to the noise of the firing being
+drowned by the admonitory activities of the police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BULLDOG BREED.
+
+_Company Commander_ (_making sure of his men before the show_). "NOW,
+WHEN WE GO OVER THE TOP TO-MORROW, YOU ALL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TO MAKE
+FOR?"
+
+_Chorus of Tommies_. "YUSS, SIR."
+
+_C.C._ "WHAT IS IT, THEN?"
+
+_Chorus_. "THEY GERMANS, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CENTRIPETISTS.
+
+    "Mrs. Eckstein and Miss Eckstein have returned to London
+    from Scotland, and they are leaving London immediately for
+    London."--_Brighton Standard and Fashionable Visitors' List_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Irish farmers are confident that the Food Controller's
+    declared intention to fix the price of cattle at 6s. per cwt. for
+    next January will not be carried into effect. They believe that
+    Lord Rhondda must realise the necessity of making a substantial
+    increase on this figure."--_Saturday Herald (Dublin)_.
+
+Lord RHONDDA, we understand, has already met the Irish farmers more
+than halfway by fixing the price at 60s.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    "The Apia Blacksmiths, Ltd., will undertake contracts for the
+    building of houses, with or without material."--_Samoa Times_.
+
+  "And gives to airy nothing
+  A local habitation."--_Shakspeare_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKING OUR PLEASURES SADLY.
+
+A correspondent informs us that the playbill of IBSEN'S _Ghosts_
+at the Pavilion Theatre bears the following words: "Mr. Neville
+Chamberlain says, 'It is essential there should be provided amusements
+and recreations which can take people for an hour or so out of
+themselves and return them to their work refreshed and reinvigorated.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOCIETY NOTES.
+
+_BY THE HANGER-ON._
+
+AIR-RAIDS AND OTHER DIVERSIONS.
+
+A promising young poet of my acquaintance, who in the midst of war's
+obsessions still finds time and taste for the exercise of his art
+(he is in a Government office), has allowed me to see the opening
+couplet of what I understand to be a very ambitious poem. It runs as
+follows:--
+
+  "Though overhead the Gothas buzz,
+  Stands London where it did? It does."
+
+Many good judges of poetry to whom I have quoted these lines think
+them very clever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A witty friend of mine tells me that he is thinking of bringing out
+a handy and up-to-date edition of the _Almanach de Gotha_, special
+attention being paid to the changes of the Moon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Society is always on the look-out for some new distraction from the
+tedium of War. The latest vogue with smart people is to get up little
+air-raid parties for the Tube, to be followed by auction or a small
+boy-and-girl dance. Sections of tunnel or platform can be engaged
+beforehand by arrangement with the Constabulary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I hear that my friend, ARTHUR BOURCHIER, continues to draw crowds to
+the Oxford. I was dining the other day with a young and brilliant
+officer, who has seen two months' active service in the A.S.C. and
+won golden opinions at the Base, and he assured me that there is no
+"Better 'Ole" than the Oxford during an air-raid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Now that London is part of the Front, with a barrage of its own, one
+has to be careful to censor one's correspondence. It is advisable not
+to mention your actual address, but just to write "Somewhere in the
+West-End. B.S.F." (British Sedentary Force).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Winter season has begun exceptionally early. Last Sunday at Church
+Parade I saw Lady "Nibs" Tattenham, looking the very image of her
+latest photograph in _The Prattler_, where she appears with her pet
+Pekie over the legend, "Deeply interested in War-work."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A gallant Contemptible has been complaining to me that the Press shows
+no sense of proportion in the space that it allots to air-raids. Our
+casualties from that source, he said, are never one tenth as heavy as
+those in France on days when G.H.Q. reports "Everything quiet on the
+Western Front." I naturally disagreed with his attitude. Nothing, I
+told him, is more likely to discourage the Hun than to see column
+after column in our papers proving that these visitations leave us
+totally unmoved. Besides it must be very comforting to our troops
+in the trenches to learn in detail how their dear ones at home are
+sharing the perils of the other fronts. In any case nobody who knows
+our Press would doubt the purity of their motive in reporting as many
+air-raid horrors as the Censor permits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_À propos_ of the Patriotic Press, no praise can be too high for some
+of our society weeklies. They have set their faces like flint against
+any serious reference to the War. When I see them going imperturbably
+along the old pre-war lines, snapping smart people at the races or in
+the Row, or reproducing the devastating beauty of a revue chorus, I
+know that they have their withers unwrung and their heart in the right
+place. I always have one of these papers on my table to be taken as a
+corrective after the daily casualty lists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A striking feature of the Photographic Press is to be seen in the
+revival of the _vie intime_ of popular idols of the stage. The human
+life of our great actors and actresses as revealed in some simple
+rustic _villeggiatura_ has always had a fascination for a public that
+does not enjoy the privilege of their private friendship. And in these
+strenuous War-days it is well to bring home to the theatre-goer how
+necessary is domestic repose for those who are doing their courageous
+bit to keep the nation from dwelling on the inconveniences of
+Armageddon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the most profound after-the-war questions that is agitating
+the mind of the Government is what eventually to do with the miles
+of wooden and concrete villages that have sprung up all over London
+like Jonah's mushroom. I hear a rumour that the House of Commons
+tea-terrace will shortly be commandeered for the erection of yet
+another block of buildings to accommodate yet another Ministry--the
+Ministry of Demobilization of Temporary Departmental Hutments.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TUBE HOTELS, LTD.
+
+[Mr. Punch has been fortunate enough to secure in advance a prospectus
+of the enterprising managements.]
+
+THE CENTRAL LONDON RAILWAY
+
+offers splendid night accommodation in its magnificently appointed
+stations. Every modern convenience. Luxurious lifts conducted by the
+Company's own liveried attendants convey guests to the dormitories.
+Constant supply of fresh ozone. Reduced terms to season ticket
+holders.
+
+
+HÔTEL EMBANKMENT.
+
+All lines converge to this Hotel, which is therefore the most central
+in London. Frequent trains convey visitors direct to their beds. For
+the convenience of patrons arriving above ground or by District, the
+Directors have installed a superb moving staircase, thereby obviating
+the inconvenience of crowded lifts.
+
+The platforms and passages are tastefully decorated with coloured
+pictures by the leading firms.
+
+Visitors are respectfully requested not to sleep on the moving
+staircase.
+
+
+HÔTEL PICCADILLY CIRCUS.
+
+IN THE HEART OF FASHIONABLE LONDON.
+
+This Hotel, which is one of the deepest in London, is composed of
+four magnificent platforms and nearly a mile of finely tessellated
+corridors. Electric light. Constant temperature of sixty-five degrees
+Fahrenheit. Excellent catering under the control of the Automatic
+Machine Company. Reduced terms during moonless nights.
+
+
+HÔTEL HAMPSTEAD TUBE.
+
+Situated in a commanding position, underlooking the Heath, this hotel
+is positively the deepest in London. The Management has decided to
+extend the accommodation during one week in each month by offering
+beds on the steps of the staircase. No one has ever been known to walk
+either up or down this staircase, and patrons are therefore assured of
+an uninterrupted night's repose. Extremely moderate terms are quoted
+for the higher flights.
+
+
+THE GILLESPIE ARMS.
+
+Ensure an undisturbed night's sleep by putting up at the Gillespie
+Road Station Family and Commercial Hotel. Large numbers of trains pass
+this station without stopping, and residents are comparatively free
+from the annoyance caused by the arrival and departure of passengers.
+
+Special terms for Aliens, who are requested to bring their own
+mattresses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLACE IN THE MOON.
+
+HANS. "HOW BEAUTIFUL A MOON, MY LOVE, FOR SHOWING UP ENGLAND TO OUR
+GALLANT AIRMEN!"
+
+GRETCHEN. "YES, DEAREST, BUT MAY IT NOT SHOW UP THE FATHERLAND TO THE
+BRUTAL ENEMY ONE OF THESE NIGHTS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CODES.
+
+It began like the noise of rushing water, and for a moment the Brigade
+Major hoped that somebody had taken it upon himself to wash the
+orderly. The noise, however, was followed by a succession of thumps
+which put an end to this pretty flight of fancy. Aghast he surveyed
+the scene before him. Close to the Brigade Headquarters' dug-out was
+an old French dump of every conceivable kind of explosive made up into
+every known form of projectile. No longer was it a picture of Still
+Life. The Sleeping Beauty was awake indeed. The Prince had come in the
+form of a common whizz-bang.
+
+As he looked (and ducked) a flock of aerial torpedoes, propelled by
+the explosion of one of their number, rose and scattered as if at the
+approach of a hostile sportsman. Another explosion blew what seemed to
+be a million rockets sizzling into the air.
+
+The store was on fire!
+
+The Brigade Major retired.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Everybody was in the Signal dug-out (Signals build deep and strong).
+Secretly the clerks were praying for the disintegration of the
+typewriter and the total destruction of the overwhelming mass of paper
+(paper warfare had been terrible of late). The Staff Captain and
+the O.C. Gum Boots, who had been approaching the Headquarters, were
+already half a mile down the road and still going strong.
+
+The Division rang up. One need hardly have mentioned that. In times of
+stress the higher formations rarely fail.
+
+"What's going on?" they asked.
+
+The Brigade Major was just going to say, when suddenly he remembered.
+That very morning he had been severely strafed for speaking of
+important things over the telephone when so near the enemy. "Had he
+not read the Divisional G 245/348/24 of the 29th inst.? What was the
+good of issuing orders to defeat the efficiency of the Bosch listening
+apparatus if they were not obeyed?" etc., etc.
+
+True, it was conceivable that even without the aid of a delicate
+listening apparatus the Bosch was cognisant of an explosion that
+made his whole front line quiver; still orders is orders. So the
+Brigade-Major swallowed hard.
+
+"C-can't tell you over the wires. Your G 245/348/24...."
+
+"Yes, yes, we know all about that. Don't say it _definitely_, but give
+us an _idea_. _Where_ is all this noise?"
+
+"Here!--Oh!" piped the B.M. as a crump shook the receiver out of his
+hand.
+
+"Send it in code at once. The G.O.C. is strafing horribly to know."
+
+To encode a message which may be your last words on earth is not the
+easiest of tasks. It has no romance about it. Who would relish
+an obituary such as: "He died like a hero, his last words being
+'XB35/067K'"?
+
+To the ramping of the continuous crump the B.M. scraped away the dirt
+and stuff that had fallen from the throbbing walls of his dug-out
+and fished out the Code-Book. Hurriedly he turned over the pages to
+"Ammunition" and read down the set phrases and their code equivalents.
+Four times he relit the candle. There seemed nothing under this
+heading applicable to the situation. "Send up" was one, but that had
+already been done. "Am/is/are/running short of" was another, but it
+was doubtful if the Division would see the real meaning of it.
+
+"Ah, here we are," he muttered, relighting the candle for the fifth
+time. "Dumps." Alas, there was nothing to convey the situation very
+clearly even under this heading. Finally he picked out the nearest he
+could find and sent it over the wires.
+
+This is what they decoded to the expectant G.O.C. of the Division:
+"_Advanced ammunition depôt has moved_."
+
+The G.O.C. said something which impelled the entire Divisional Staff
+to the telephone, where they all grabbed for the receiver.
+
+"What the devil is this code message? We can't understand it. You've
+sent in something about the dump at your Brigade Headquarters."
+
+"Ah!" said the B.M. meaningly, "there is _not_ a dump at Brigade
+Headquarters now."
+
+"Well, I don't care. We want to know what all this noise is about."
+
+"It's the dump. It's m-moved."
+
+"Moved? Moved where? Give the map reference."
+
+"Map reference?" murmured the B.M. "Oh, my sacred aunt, what fools ...
+I'm sorry" (he smiled at them through his teeth) "I can't give you the
+_m-map_ reference, but I can give you the _area_ roughly."
+
+"Barmy!" was the word he heard spoken to a bystander at the other end.
+
+"Look here, old man," they said kindly, "we know you're all very tired
+and worried, but just try to _think_ a moment. Never mind dumps now.
+You can't be making all that noise moving a dump--what?" (Specimen of
+Divisional joke--very rare.) "Tell us, is the Bosch shelling?"
+
+"No. They've stopped."
+
+"Good. Then it's all over?"
+
+"No. It's still going on."
+
+"But you just said that it had stopped."
+
+"Yes, it has. But the dump hasn't. It keeps m-moving."
+
+"Poor old bird," they said, "his nerve's gone at last. All right,"
+they shouted, "don't you worry. The storeman will look after the dump.
+You go to bed and have a good sleep."
+
+"Have a g-good sleep!" muttered the B.M., "that's just like the
+Divis--Oh!" and he sat down as a torpedo flopped into his bedroom a
+few doors away and made a hole of it.
+
+Then he sat up. The storeman of the Brigade dump was not two hundred
+yards away from the active one. The poor fellow was to have gone on
+leave that night. Presently it occurred to him that, instead of trying
+to decide who should have the reversion of the storeman's leave, it
+would be better to go and see if there really was a vacancy. Fifteen
+boxes of melinite delayed him but a moment. With melinite you know
+the worst at once; it doesn't hang round like boxes of ammunition,
+for instance. He called a clerk and together they raced over to the
+storeman's dug-out.
+
+"Jock!" cried the clerk. "Are ye there, Jock?"
+
+"Is he quite dead?" said the B.M., making up his mind to use his leave
+warrant for himself.
+
+"No, Sir, he's very deaf, that's why he's a storeman. Jo-ock!!"
+
+"Hello!" came from the ground.
+
+"Are ye all right, Jock?"
+
+"Na. There's an awfu' to-do here."
+
+"What's wrong then?"
+
+"Ma candle keeps going oot."
+
+"Are ye all right, though, Jock?"
+
+"Na."
+
+"Well, what's up with ye?"
+
+"I told ye. Ma candle keeps going oot. What's up yon?"
+       *       *       *       *       *
+When the B.M. got back he found a one-sided war in progress on the
+telephone. The G.O.C. had heated up the wires to red-heat.
+
+"Is that you, Nessel? Where the devil have you been? This noise is
+still going on. Tell me what it is. No-dam-nonsense-now. Let's have
+it."
+
+"If you want to know and you don't mind the Bosch hearing what I say,
+Sir, the dump, the French dump, has b-blown itself to b-blazes."
+
+"Why the _devil_ couldn't you say so before?"
+
+Every dog has his day. With a full and fatuous smile the Brigade-Major
+picked up a paper and began: "Reference your G. 245/348/24 of the 29th
+inst. It says that--"
+
+Somebody must have taken a bone away from a dog at the other end. He
+growled horribly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Flapper (shyly)._ "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT A STAMP
+STUCK ON AT _THAT_ ANGLE MEANS IN THE LANGUAGE OF POSTAGE-STAMPS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the Ministerial crisis in Sweden:--
+
+    "Two imperialist minstrels, however, Von Melsted and
+    Lengquist, did quite enough mischief."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Members of the pro-German band, no doubt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch desires to record thanks to the innumerable correspondents
+who have drawn his attention to the statement in _The Daily Chronicle_
+that among the German officers who escaped and were afterwards
+recaptured was "Von Thelan, a lieutenant in the lying corps." The
+existence of this unit in the German Army has, as most of them point
+out, been long suspected, but never officially confirmed till now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Colonel's Daughter_. "WHAT A WONDERFUL VOICE AND
+WHAT A PERFECT ARTIST!"
+
+_The Colonel_. "DON'T THINK MUCH OF HIM! HE'S GOT A POCKET
+UNBUTTONED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIPS FOR NON-TIPPERS.
+
+    ["If taxi-cab fares are increased it will put a stop to
+    tipping."--_Evening Paper_.]
+
+Only really robust men should refuse to tip the taxi-driver. Many a
+City man has set out in the morning intent on giving no tips and has
+not been heard of afterwards.
+
+To enable timid men to avoid a tip, the police are providing
+taxi-drivers with antiseptic mouthpieces, through which their words
+may be sterilised.
+
+If the driver insists on a tip do not threaten to take his number.
+Just take it and run. If you haven't time for both, just run.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ALL-WOOL Black Cashmere Stockings, winter weight. 1/111/2
+    and 2/6 per yard." _Advt. in Scotch Paper_.
+
+We had always thought hosiery was sold by the foot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the estate of the late Hon. Lionel Walrond, Uffculme,
+    Devon, Robert James, 97, is felling for the purpose of
+    aeroplane construction aspen trees which he helped to
+    plant 80 years ago."--_The Times_.
+
+Three cheers for Mr. ROBERT JAMES! "For he's a jolly good feller!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEASTS ROYAL.
+
+II.
+
+CÆSAR'S GIRAFFE. B.C. 46.
+
+  From Egypt, Africa and Gaul
+    CÆSAR his Roman triumph brings:
+    Dark queens and ruddy-bearded kings,
+  And scowling Britons led in thrall,
+    And elephants with silver rings;
+  But oh, more excellent than all,
+    This pensive beast, this mottled beast,
+    From the marshes of the East.
+
+  _Patres conscripti_, hail him now
+    Divine! Through Rome his triumph rolls;
+    Oysters in barrels, pearls in bowls,
+  Chariots and horsemen, moving slow
+    Where purple garlands droop on poles.
+  _Patres conscripti_, crown his brow,
+    Who brought us from the golden East
+    This unimagined peerless beast!
+
+  Never has CÆSAR made our foes
+    Weep more than he has made us laugh;
+    He who divides the world in half
+  With the long shadow of his nose,
+    And bridges oceans with his staff,
+  Brings now, with pomp of vine and rose,
+    This wondering and wondrous beast
+    From the subjugated East.
+
+  In bronze and basalt let us raise
+    The bust of CÆSAR; he has done
+    Great things for Rome; but here is one
+  Above the rest, o'ertopping praise.
+    The elephants and kings are gone,
+  But still the roaring tumult sways--
+    Much for the Conqueror of the East,
+    More for the incomparable beast.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INVOLUNTARY RAID.
+
+Life in a convalescent hospital for officers is not one continuous
+round of gaiety, but it has its incidents for all that.
+
+The other day Sister took Haynes, Ansell and myself to have tea with
+some people in the neighbouring village of Little Budford. We were
+waiting in the hall for the car when Seymour came along. Seymour is an
+adjutant when he is not at home, and he likes to see things done with
+proper military precision.
+
+"Here," he said, "you can't go off casually like that. Fall in,
+tea-party."
+
+We fell in, and he went to the smoking-room and woke Major Stanley.
+
+"Party for tea ready for inspection, Sir," he reported.
+
+"Who? What? Where?" asked the Major confusedly. "Good Lord, you young
+idiot, what a scare you gave me! Thought I was back in France for a
+moment. Where's this party paraded?"
+
+"Hout in the 'all, Sir." Seymour led him to where we were standing at
+ease.
+
+"Party!" he roared. "Shunsuwere!" We gave two convulsive jerks.
+"Smarten up there, smarten HUP! Get a move on! This ain't a waxwork.
+Shunsuwere!... Shun!! Party present, Sir."
+
+The Major inspected us.
+
+"I don't like this smear, Sergeant," he said, pointing to Ansell's
+upper lip.
+
+Seymour examined the feature in question.
+
+"It don't appear to be dirt, Sir. Some sort o' growth, I think. You
+try sand-papering it, me lad, an' you'll find it come orf all right."
+
+"Very good, Sergeant," answered Ansell solemnly.
+
+The Major proceeded to Haynes, and eyed him with disfavour.
+
+"We can't do nothing with this man, Sir," said Seymour deprecatingly.
+"'Is legs is that bandy."
+
+"What do you mean, Private Haynes, by appearing on ceremonial parade
+with a pair of bandy legs?"
+
+"It wasn't my fault, Sir. 'Strewth, it wasn't. They got wet, Sir, an'
+I went an' dried 'em at the cook'ouse fire, Sir, an' they got warped,
+Sir."
+
+"Well," said the Major, "don't bring 'em on parade again. Tell your
+Q.M.S. I say you're to have a new pair."
+
+"Very good, Sir."
+
+The Major passed on to me, and surveyed my left arm more in anger than
+in sorrow.
+
+"Why has this man got his blue band fastened on with pins?" he
+demanded. "Why isn't it sewn on? Why hasn't he fastened it on with
+elastic? D'you hear me? Are you deaf? Why isn't it sewn on? Why don't
+you speak?"
+
+"Please, Sir...."
+
+"Don't answer me back! Sergeant, take this man's name. He is insolent.
+Take his name for insolence. You are insolent, Sir. You're a disgrace
+to the Army. You're a ..."
+
+"If you've quite finished with my squad, Major," put in Sister in a
+quiet voice from the door, "the car is here, and we're late already. I
+shall have to push a bit."
+
+I promptly made for the seat beside the driver, explaining that I
+wanted to see the speedometer burst. Sister does a good many things,
+and does most of them well; but her particular accomplishment is
+her motor-driving. After my experiences in different cars at the
+Front--especially those driven by Frenchmen--I thought at first that
+motoring had no new thrills to offer me; but when Sister takes corners
+I still clutch at anything handy.
+
+Surrey began to stream past us. The landscape was extremely beautiful,
+but only the more distant parts of it were visible except as a mere
+blur. After five or six miles we turned into a long straight stretch
+of road.
+
+"The Hepworths live somewhere along this," said Sister. "There's a
+lovely sunken garden just in front of the house which I want you to
+notice. Hallo! here we are; I thought it was further on."
+
+The car whizzed round and through a drive gateway half hidden in
+trees. When I opened my eyes again I looked for the sunken garden; but
+except for a few very prim-looking flower-beds the grounds in front of
+the house consisted entirely of a lawn, round which the drive took a
+broad circular sweep.
+
+"It must be the wrong house," said Sister, and without pausing an
+instant in our centrifugal career we rushed round the complete circle
+and disappeared through the gate as suddenly as we had come. As we
+passed the house I had a fleeting glimpse of an old, hard-featured and
+furious female face glaring at us from one of the windows.
+
+On the road we stopped the car so as to regain some measure of gravity
+before presenting ourselves at our real destination--next house--but
+were still rather hysterical when we arrived.
+
+"You'll hear more of this," said our hostess, when we had reported our
+raid. "Old Miss Mendip lives there--a regular tartar; all kinds of
+views; writes to the papers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a subsequent issue of the local weekly we found the following:--
+
+    _To the Editor of "The Inshot Times, Great and Little
+    Budford Chronicle and Home Counties Advertiser_."
+
+SIR,--Even in _war-time_, when one cannot call our souls our own,
+we may surely expect the privacy of individuals and the rights of
+property to receive _some_ respect. An Englishman's home is still
+his castle, though the debased morals and decayed manners of modern
+_Society_ (?) seem to blind its members to the fact.
+
+I wish to give publicity in your pages to a disgraceful _outrage_
+of which I have been made the victim. On Tuesday last I was rudely
+awakened from my afternoon rest by the sound of a large motor-car.
+As I did not expect visitors I proceeded to the window in order
+to discover to what the _intrusion_ might be due. What was my
+_astonishment_ to discover that the vehicle contained a party of four
+_perfect strangers_. Three of them, I regret to state, were wounded
+officers; they were being driven by one of the modern games-playing
+cigarette-smoking young women to whom the old-fashioned word "_lady_"
+seems so _singularly_ inapplicable. Their sole object in entering
+appeared to be the perpetration of a senseless practical _joke_, for
+after _careering_ round my garden at a pace which I can only describe
+as _unwomanly_, they went off by the way they had come.
+
+My gardener, who witnessed the incident, tells me that on reaching
+the road they stopped the vehicle and celebrated the success of their
+inane efforts by _shrieking_ with that unrestrained mirth which jars
+so painfully on refined ears.
+
+Can _nothing_ be done?
+
+I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
+
+LYDIA MENDIP.
+
+_Manor Lodge, Little Budford_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Orderly Officer_. "HOW MANY HORSES ARE HERE, PICKET?"
+
+_Picket (a little fed-up)_. "ER--HORSE LINE, 'SHUN! FROM THE
+RIGHT--NUMBER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN GERMANY.
+
+    "While the horse doeuvres were being served, the Kaiser, etc."
+
+At the Imperial table, it will be observed, they put the horse before
+the _carte_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He held several Court appointments, including those of Keeper of
+    the Privy PuPrse to the Prince"--_The Star_.
+
+It is not every Keeper of the Privy Purse who thus manages to double
+the initial capital.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE P.-P.-D.
+
+Henry is in the War Office, where he takes a hand in the Direction of
+Military Aeronautics. To meet him you might almost think that Military
+Aeronautics was a one-man show. He has, at any rate in the eyes of the
+layman, an encyclopædic knowledge of aircraft and all appertaining
+thereto. When he is out for a walk on Sunday with his wife and
+daughter, and a British aeroplane passes over them with the usual
+fascinating roar, Henry is very superior. Mummy (who is of coarse
+clay) and Betty (aged 11/2, and coarser still) are frankly excited
+every time.
+
+"Look at the pretty airship!" says Mummy.
+
+"Oo-ah!" says Betty.
+
+"B. E. 4 X.," snaps Henry, without looking at it.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Or rather this is what Henry used to do; but now things are different.
+It was Betty who, so to speak, brought him down to earth again.
+He had great ambitions for Betty, whom he fondly believed to be
+possessed of intelligence above the lot of woman, and he always
+laboured prodigiously to advance her education. Betty took to it
+philosophically, however, and refused to be hurried; and Henry almost
+despaired of getting her beyond two syllables. The "Common Objects
+of the Farmyard" were rapidly assimilated, and all the world of
+mechanical traction was comprehended in the generic "puff-puff." But
+Henry wouldn't be satisfied with this very creditable repertoire. "Out
+of respect for her father, if for no other reason," he would insist,
+"she _must_ learn to say 'aeroplane.'"
+
+"How ridiculous!" said Mummy, who always called them "airships," to
+annoy Henry; "and anyhow it's no use going on at her; she never will
+say things to order. If you'll only leave her alone for a bit she'll
+probably say it, and then your sordid ambition will be gratified."
+
+But Henry cared for none of these things, and when Sunday came, and
+with it Sunday's promenade and Sunday's aeroplane, he went at it as
+hard as ever.
+
+"Say 'air-ye-play,'" he commanded, as the pram was brought to a
+standstill and the droning monster passed overhead.
+
+Betty gazed raptly at the entrancing thing. Then suddenly she raised a
+fat hand and pointed. "Oo-ah!" she said, "puff-puff-dicky!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+And nowadays Henry's omniscience is decently obscured under a
+capacious bushel. If you meet an aeroplane when you are walking with
+him and ask humbly for his verdict thereon, in the expectation of an
+explosion of clipped technical jargon, he will stop and study its
+outline with great attention, and will eventually inform you, to your
+respectful mystification, that it is a "P.-P.-D." Thereafter he will
+chuckle most unofficially.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_. "WELL, MRS. GUBBINS, WHAT IS THE WEATHER GOING
+TO BE TO-DAY?"
+
+_Charwoman_. "OH, I DON'T KNOW, MUM. I'M NOT MUCH OF A WEATHERCOCK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE SEX PROBLEMS.
+
+    "Wanted, a Blue Bull (Nilgai or Rojh). Apply, stating sex,
+    age, height and price."--_Pioneer_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a German _communiqué_:--
+
+    "On the eastern bank of the Mouse desperate fishing
+    continues."--_Edinburgh Evening Paper_.
+
+And the Bosch has caught more than he bargained for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of the meeting, in London, of the Executive Committee
+of the National Farmers' Union:--
+
+    "Farmers had hundreds of acres of grass which they were willing
+    to turn into meat, but were prevented from doing so."
+
+Mr. Punch thinks that the difficulty might be overcome if the meat
+were turned into the grass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE H.Q. TOUCH.
+
+  Command Headquarters (who, of course,
+  Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse--
+  I mean, without considering
+  The animal; the ride's the thing)
+  On Army Form--I cannot think
+  Precisely which; the form was pink--
+  Instructed Captain So-and-so,
+  With certain other ranks, to go
+  And at a given hour report,
+  With rifles, such-and-such a sort,
+  So many rounds of S.A.A.
+  Per man, and so much oats and hay
+  Per horse (as specified and charged
+  On War Establishments, enlarged,
+  Revised and issued as amended);
+  And here the said instruction ended,
+  "Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3,
+  For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G."
+    The reason why the form was thus
+  Truncated was--alas for us!--
+  That Major Blank, a hasty man,
+  Neglected his accustomed plan
+  And failed, in short, to P.T.O.,
+  So never told us where to go.
+
+    We drafted a polite reply:--
+  "Your such a number, Fourth July;
+  Instructions touching destination
+  Requested, please, for information."
+  And Captain So-and-So and men
+  Donned and inspected kits.
+                             And then
+  Command Headquarters went and wired:
+  "The draft in question not required.
+  When any draft is _wanted_ you
+  Will hear _precisely_ what to do;
+  No error ever passes through
+  This office. You will therefore not
+  In future tell US what is what;
+  WE know; and WE are on the spot.
+  The G.O.C.-in-C. is much
+  Displeased."
+              The old Headquarters' touch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SPOILT PETS.
+
+    "Cottage, suitable for pigs and poultry."--_Birmingham
+    Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SUSAN'S PUDDING.--This is a super-excellent pudding, and,
+    as times go, the cost of the material used is not excessive.
+    Required: One cup each of flour, breadcrumbs, raisins (stoned
+    and chopped), currants (washed and dried), also a teacupful
+    of baking powder.... If served only on occasion--a special
+    occasion--the most scrupulously careful housewife should not
+    be troubled by uneasy sensations."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
+
+We should--after a teacupful of baking powder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BELGIAN "MENACE."
+
+KAISER. "IF I GRANT YOU MY GRACIOUS PARDON, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT
+TO TERRORISE ME AGAIN?"
+
+{"Belgium would be required to give a guarantee that any such
+menace as that which threatened Germany in 1914 would in future be
+excluded."--_German Foreign Secretary to Papal Nuncio at Munich_.}]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAID JOTTINGS.
+
+A good deal of dissatisfaction is expressed with the state of the
+cellars to which people have been invited during the raids. "Surely,"
+writes one of our correspondents, "it is a scandal that, at this time
+in the world's history, some cellars should be totally destitute
+of wine. That there should be no coal in the coal-cellars is
+understandable enough; but to ask the timid public into empty wine
+cellars is a travesty of hospitality."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Every effort will be made when the House reassembles to provide
+separate cellars for the SPEAKER and Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JIMMY WILDE, the Welsh boxer, it has been widely announced, had a
+marvellous escape from an air-bomb. The little champion (for once not
+in a position to hit back) was standing in the door of his hotel when
+the projectile dropped, and blew him along the passage, but inflicted
+no injuries. The world will therefore hear from Mr. WILDE again, whose
+future antagonists should view with a shudder this inability of the
+Gothas to knock him out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. WILDE is, however, not alone in his good fortune. From all the
+bombarded parts, and from some others, come news of remarkable pieces
+of good luck, due almost or wholly to the fact that the bombs fell on
+spots where our correspondents were not standing, although they might
+easily have been there had they not been elsewhere. The similarity of
+their experience is indeed most striking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, for example, who disapproves of soldiers laughing,
+happened to be in the country on the night of the 24th. Had he been
+in town he might, in a melancholy reverie caused by the incorrigible
+light-heartedness of his fellow-countrymen, have wandered bang into
+the danger zone. No one can be too thankful that he did not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir HENRY WOOD'S project to play TCHAIKOVSKY'S "1812" in such
+perfect time that the audience will have the pleasure of hearing our
+anti-aircraft men supply the big-gun effects, although laudable, is,
+it is feared, doomed to failure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was no air raid over London on Wednesday the 26th. The sudden
+noise (which happily produced no panic) in His Majesty's Theatre was
+merely Miss LILY BRAYTON dropping the clothes she was not wearing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONSTANT RAIDER writes:--"It is understood that the German
+airmen's motto--borrowed, without acknowledgment, from the dental
+profession--is 'We spare no panes.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In view of recent events Miss TENNYSON JESSE is considering whether
+her new novel, _Secret Bread_, should be renamed _Air-raided Bread_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN is very anxious that it should be known that not a
+single bomb hit him. Had any of them done so, the consequences might
+have been very serious. This happy immunity being his, he wishes it
+also to be known that his various and meritorious theatres are doing
+even more astonishing business than before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. COCHRAN, however, together with other theatrical managers, has a
+dangerous rival. The raids are threatening to ruin the matinées now so
+prevalent by setting up counter attractions. The thousands of people
+(not only errand-boys) who now stand all day to watch the workmen mend
+a hole in the roadway caused by a bomb would otherwise, but for this
+engrossing and never tedious spectacle, be in this theatre or that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HALL CAINE telegraphs from the Isle of Man that no bombs having
+fallen there he remains intact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOOD NEWS, LADS; WE'VE GOT A CHANGE FER TEA TO-NIGHT."
+"WHAT IS IT?" "ROUND BISCUITS INSTEAD O' SQUARE ONES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL LODGER.
+
+    "Wanted, two Single Rooms, in private or boarding house; special
+    arrangements for constant absence."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS OF A GENERAL TO HIS SON
+
+(_ON OBTAINING A JUNIOR STAFF APPOINTMENT_).
+
+MY DEAR BOY,--We both congratulate you heartily on your appointment.
+Acting on your suggestion, I have hinted to your mother that her
+anxieties for your safety may be considerably lessened in consequence.
+You will, of course, continue to address letters likely to cause her
+any apprehension to my club. On entering this new phase of your career
+you will not take it amiss if I offer you a few words of practical
+advice:--
+
+1. Do not neglect your advantages. Always visit the line with a double
+mission, one for the right of the line and one for the left--and see
+which they are shelling.
+
+2. If they are strafing all along the line, inspect Transport.
+
+3. Cultivate the detached manner when dealing with all but the very
+senior. This will give you what is called distinction. Charm will come
+later.
+
+4. What you don't know, guess. If wrong, guess again.
+
+5. Always put off on to others what you cannot do yourself.
+
+6. What little you do, do well--and see that it gets talked about.
+Medals are going round, and you may as well have them as anybody else.
+
+7. Belong to a good Mess and invite people who are inclined to
+criticise.
+
+8. When rung up on a subject of which you know nothing, learn
+to conduct the conversation so that you abstract the necessary
+enlightenment from the questioner himself (while appearing to be
+perfectly conversant with what he is talking about), and, if possible,
+get him to suggest the answer to his own conundrum. In other words,
+bluff as in poker (which I trust you don't play).
+
+These are just a few little hints that have occurred to me. Your own
+good sense will guide you as to the rest. Everybody at home is taking
+a tremendous interest in the War, I'm glad to say. Hardly a day passes
+but I am asked at least a dozen times when it is going to be over.
+
+Your affectionate Father, etc., etc.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an order recently issued at the Front:
+
+    "Great care must always be exercised in tethering horses to
+    trees, as they are apt to bark, and thereby destroy the trees."
+
+Wow, wow!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERFECT LIFE.
+
+"YES, GAFFER. ME AN' MY OLE WOMAN 'ERE 'AVE LIVED TOGETHER THESE
+FORTY YEAR, AN' NEVER 'AD A QUARREL--FORTY YEAR, MIND YER, AN'
+NEVER BIN BEFORE THE MAGISTRATE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNS OF INNS.
+
+  The Herald lives in cloister grey;
+    He lives by clerkly rules;
+  He dreams in coats and colours gay,
+    In _argent_, _or_ and _gules_;
+  He blazons knightly shield and banner
+    In dim monastic hall,
+  And in a grave and reverend manner
+    He earns his bread withal.
+
+  Were I a herald fair and fit
+    So featly for to limn
+  As though I'd learnt the lore of it
+    Among the seraphim,
+  I'd leave the schools to clerkly people
+    And walk, as dawn begins,
+  From steeple unto distant steeple,
+    And paint the signs of inns.
+
+  _The Dragon_, as I'd see him, is
+    A loving beast and long,
+  And oh, the _Goat and Compasses_,
+    'Twould fill my soul with song;
+  _The Bell_, _The Bull_, _The Rose and Rummer_,
+    Such themes should like me still
+  At Yule, or when the heart of Summer
+    Lies blue on vale and hill.
+
+  Let others' blazonry find place
+    Supported, scrolled with gold,
+  A glowing dignity and grace
+    On honoured walls and old;
+  And let it likewise be attended
+    In stately circumstance
+  With mottos writ o' Latin splendid
+    Or courtly words of France;
+
+  But I would paint _The Golden Tun_
+    And others to my mind,
+  And mellow them in rain and sun,
+    And hang them on the wind;
+  And I would say, "My handcraft creaking
+    On this autumnal gale
+  Unto all wayfarers is speaking
+    In praise of rest and ale."
+
+  Then bless the man who puts a sign
+    Above his wide door's beam,
+  And bless the hop-root, fruit and vine,
+    For still I dream my dream,
+  Where, as the flushing East turns pinker
+    And tardy day begins,
+  I take the road like any tinker
+    And paint the signs of inns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "INSTANT DEMAND FOR WARNINGS.
+
+    "MAYORS OF LONDON MOVING."
+
+    _Evening News_.
+
+They ought to set a better example.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Certain people seem to have misread the statement last week
+    that flour would be reduced 1s. 11/2d. that flour would be
+    reduced to 1s. 11/2d. but that that that flour would be reduced
+    to 1s. 111/2d. but that amount or somewhere about it would be
+    taken off the former price."--_Rossendale Free Press_.
+
+There ought to be no misunderstanding after this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At such close quarters were attackers and attacked that to
+    have used grenades would manifestly have been equally dangerous
+    to both. So, after a brief pause to collect the means, our men
+    began to pelt the Huns with bottles filled with water. Apparently
+    the enemy thought this was some new form of 'frightfulness,'
+    for they speedily threw down their arms and tossed up their
+    hands."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+Our contemporary, while rightly applauding the resourcefulness of our
+bombers, might have given the Germans credit for their remarkable feat
+of acrobacy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR SERVICES RENDERED.
+
+If ever, in a railing mood, I have unjustly aspersed the Army; if,
+by reason of deferred pay, over-diluted stew, or leave adjourned, I
+have accused the Powers That Be of a step-motherly indifference to
+my welfare, I hereby withdraw unreservedly all such aspersions and
+accusations. For since my discharge tokens of kindly interest and
+affection have reached me in such rapid succession that I am kept
+wondering what the next will be. With a quarter of a million men in
+his care (as I suppose, since my number was 256801), my fatherly
+Record Officer has yet time for frequent correspondence with "crocks"
+like me. He registers all his letters; he makes his instructions so
+plain that a very suckling might understand them; he takes every
+precaution lest, in the press of business, I should be overlooked.
+
+I had been at home about a week when his first communication
+arrived--an unexpected windfall purporting to represent the balance of
+my pay and allowances. The method of computation would probably have
+transcended my intelligence if it had been indicated; but there was no
+attempt at explanation, nor did I desire it. I stamped and signed the
+receipt form according to unmistakable directions, and returned it to
+Headquarters. A few days later certain arrears of Separation Allowance
+came to hand--arrears whose existence our own unaided sagacity would
+never have revealed. Guided by an illustrative diagram we signed
+the receipt in due form and returned it. Before we had ceased
+congratulating ourselves on these accessions, yet another instalment
+of pay was delivered, with form of receipt as in the previous case.
+We were almost convinced that the country cottage and the leisured
+ease of our dreams were within our grasp, but the well ran dry at
+that point. Some of my balance may yet lurk in the coffers of the
+Paymaster, but I dare not throw off the yoke of my bondage on the
+strength of a bare possibility.
+
+After a brief interval, Records returned to the charge with a bulky
+envelope containing matter of great interest. One of the enclosures
+certified that, for the term of three months, I was transferred to
+Class W.P., Army Reserve. I made various conjectures as to the meaning
+of "W," and so did Cinderella. On the whole we favoured "Warrior,"
+but perhaps we were wrong. At all events, the interpretation of "P"
+was clearly set forth by another document, which explained that I was
+entitled to a pension of eight shillings and threepence per week so
+long as I remained among the happy W.P.'s. There was also an identity
+certificate, whereon some clergyman, magistrate or policeman must
+attest that I was alive when I brought it to him, and a form of
+receipt for all the papers in the batch. I signed it according to
+instructions and returned it to Headquarters.
+
+The identity certificate went back to a specified address, where
+it set in motion machinery by which my pension paper was presently
+delivered to me--accompanied by a form of receipt. This paper was
+covered with mystic circles, whose meaning I discovered when I
+presented myself at the post-office. They were apparently intended to
+appease the presiding divinity by gratifying her passion for stamping
+things. She hit my paper accurately in four of its rings, and then,
+with a pleased smile, handed me thirty-three shillings.
+
+Meanwhile Records had stirred up a benevolent neighbour to call upon
+me. He belonged to an organisation for assisting discharged soldiers;
+he was Opportunity in person for anyone who might need him; but,
+as Cinderella explained, I was at that moment engaged upon work of
+national importance and could not claim his help. Nevertheless she
+thanked the gentleman and placed the incident to the credit of the
+Powers That Be.
+
+No acknowledgment was required for this visit; but a week later my war
+services' badge was delivered per registered post, and I confessed the
+fact both on the usual green slip and on the form of receipt which was
+enclosed. Henceforth I was able to appear in public with an outward
+and visible sign of the ferocity which underlies my demeanour, and my
+most lurid tales had a substantial witness.
+
+Two months went by, during which the O. i/c Records made no further
+additions to our postbag. There are mornings when your friends appear
+to have forgotten you, when a Levitical postman bangs your neighbour's
+gate mockingly and forthwith crosses the street. On such mornings
+our thoughts may have turned to Records with a certain yearning; but
+mainly we felt his care like the air about us, and had no need that it
+should materialise in idle correspondence.
+
+At last my term of probation came to an end. In response to a
+note from Records (with form for receipt) I returned my Transfer
+Certificate and received in its place my final Discharge Papers--with
+a form for receipt. At the same time I heard that the Commissioners
+were in earnest consultation as to the continuance of my pension.
+
+Thus goodness and loving-kindness have followed me ever since I handed
+in the uniform. To this day I am the subject of anxious consideration.
+Not a week ago the early post brought me my character. Imagine the
+incessant parental watchfulness of an authority which can testify
+concerning one two hundred and fifty thousandth of its charge that
+he is "a good soldier, willing and industrious, honest, sober,
+trustworthy and well-conducted." Think of the kindly interest which
+prompted the O. i/c Records to insert a form of receipt--"to guard
+against impersonation." My character might have got into base hands;
+some unworthy person might have gone about professing to possess that
+willingness, that industry, that sobriety, that trustworthiness and
+that elegance of conduct which are mine alone; but the form of receipt
+would baffle him. I cannot explain how, but Records knows.
+
+What is yet in store for me the future bides; but this I know: while
+England endures and Records continues to record, I shall not walk
+alone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady farm-help, being shown her new duties, notices
+fowls having dust-bath._ "DEAR ME! I EXPECT THEY'LL WANT WASHING EVERY
+NIGHT BEFORE I PUT THEM TO ROOST. I'D NO IDEA FOWLS WERE SUCH DIRTY
+THINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Aunty (wishing to be sympathetic)_. "I'M GLAD TO HEAR
+YOU'VE GOT YOUR SEA-LEGS, JACK, AND I HOPE YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING ON
+EQUALLY WELL AND HAS GOT HIS TRENCH-FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PURE ENGLISH.
+
+    [A writer in _The Daily Express_ has been discussing the
+    questions where and by whom the purest English is spoken
+    and written, and pronounces strongly in favour of East
+    Anglia, FITZGERALD, BORROW and Mr. CONRAD.]
+
+      Once more 'tis discussed
+      What guides we should trust
+  If we wish to write prose to perfection;
+      Is it BORROW or "FITZ,"
+      _The Times_ or _Tit Bits_?
+  And how should we make our selection?
+
+      Once on NEWMAN and FROUDE
+      We were bidden to brood
+  If we aimed at distinction and purity;
+      And, when we escaped
+      From their influence, aped
+  GEORGE MEREDITH'S vivid obscurity.
+
+      The remarkable style
+      Of old THOMAS CARLYLE
+  Found many a lover and hater;
+      And precious young men
+      Who made play with the pen
+  Were devoted disciples of PATER.
+
+      But these idols we've burned
+      And have latterly learned
+  That "distinction"'s an utter delusion;
+      For if you would aim
+      At a popular fame
+  You must cultivate "vim" or effusion.
+
+      JOSEPH CONRAD (a Pole)
+      Some place on the whole
+  At the top of the tree for his diction;
+      But his style, I opine,
+      Is a little too fine
+  For the average reader of fiction.
+
+      If you can't be a WELLS,
+      Or aspire to Miss DELL'S
+  Impassioned and fervid variety,
+      You still may attain
+      To CHARLES GARVICE'S strain
+  And leaven Romance with propriety.
+
+      For democracy shies
+      At the artist who tries
+  To express himself subtly or darkly;
+      And the man in the street
+      In a fair plébiscite
+  Would probably crown Mrs. BARCLAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a sermon:--
+
+    "We meet here to-day under circumstances which are not
+    ordinary ... We seem to hear 'the sound of a gong in
+    the tops of the mulberry trees.'"--_The Record_.
+
+This must be some air-raid warning by the rural police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the roads near by 'a Verdun' signposts have been
+    replaced by new ones reading 'A Glorieux Verdun.' The
+    name of France herself might well be altered to
+    'Glorieux France.'"--_Canadian Paper_.
+
+_Vive le France!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of the British Cotton-growing Association:--
+
+    "The negotiations with the Government for the development
+    of the irritation scheme for the Gezira plain are still
+    under consideration."--_The Field_.
+
+We trust we shall hear no more of this vexatious project.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  A lodging-house keeper at Whitby
+  Saw a couple of Zeppelins flit by;
+    Though she felt a sharp sting,
+    It's a curious thing
+  That she never knew which she was hit by.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "War conditions have given occasion in Germany for the study
+    of an oedema disease (swelling) unknown in peace times. Among
+    the civil population it has been generally located in the feet
+    and legs, and in more than one-half of the cases studied some
+    degree of facial swelling was present."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+This last symptom is especially noticeable in the case of the KAISER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Prior to the meeting [of the Irish Convention] in Cork the
+    members of the secretariat attended in Sir Horace Plunkett's
+    private room, and presented him with a solid ivory chairman's
+    mantle."--_Dublin Evening Mail_.
+
+But we are glad to state that the proceedings were quite orderly, and
+that the Chairman did not need this protective garment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOING BACK.
+
+"In these days," I began, but Francesca interrupted me.
+
+"When anyone starts like that," she said, "I know he's going to make
+the War an excuse for doing something rather more paltry than usual."
+
+"'Paltry' is not," I said, "a very nice word."
+
+"I'll take the phrase back and substitute 'rather less noble and
+generous.'"
+
+"Yes, I like that better. I'll pass it in that form as your comment on
+what you haven't yet allowed me to say."
+
+"Quick," she said; "what was it? Don't leave me in suspense."
+
+"In these days," I said, "one mustn't spend too much on railway
+companies."
+
+"True," she said. "I'm with you there in these or any other days."
+
+"And therefore," I continued, "it will be quite enough if one of us
+accompanies Frederick, our lively ten-year-old, to begin his second
+term at school. There is no necessity whatever for both of us to go
+with him."
+
+"Hear, hear!" said Francesca; "your idea is better than I thought. I
+will go with Frederick and you can stay at home and look after the
+girls."
+
+"No," I said firmly, "I will take Frederick, and you must remain
+behind and keep an eye on Muriel, Nina and Alice."
+
+"No," she said.
+
+"Yes," I said; "my eye's not good enough for the job; it hasn't been
+trained for it. I should be sure to mislay one of the girls, and then
+you'd never forgive yourself for having put upon me a burden greater
+than I could bear. Besides," I added, "goings back to school are in
+the man's department, with football, cricket, boxing and things of
+that kind."
+
+"And what," she said scornfully, "are you graciously pleased to leave
+in my department?"
+
+"Oh, I thought you knew. I leave to you table-manners, tidiness
+(that's a tough one), hand-washing (that's a tougher), reading aloud
+from Kipling and tucking him up in bed."
+
+"Quite a good list, if by no means a complete one; but in these days
+one mustn't be too critical. Anyhow it proves that I must take the boy
+back to school."
+
+"It proves just the contrary."
+
+"No," she said, "it proves what ought to be there by leaving it out."
+
+"That," I said, "is a record even for you, Francesca."
+
+"Well, it's logical anyway. How, for instance, could you talk to
+the Matron? You'd be utterly lost before you'd been at it for half
+a minute."
+
+"Don't you worry about that," I said. "I have accomplishments of which
+you don't seem to be aware, and one of them is talking to Matrons at
+preparatory schools."
+
+"Anyhow, you're not going to have a chance of showing it off this
+time, _because I am going to take the boy back to school_. That's
+final."
+
+It was, and in due time Francesca took the boy back. Her account of
+the farewell moments was not without a certain amount of pathos,
+several other mothers and their boys being involved in the valedictory
+scene. Four or five days afterwards, however, we received the
+following letter, which put to flight any idea that Frederick might be
+pining:--
+
+"I am very happy this term, and I am getting on fairly well in my
+work. I like football much better than cricket. I have three or four
+times just not got a goal, once it was when I kicked into goal the
+goalkeeper (3 st. 4 lb.!) rushed out and kicked it away, and once when
+we were playing Blues and Reds, and I was on the Blue side, and I
+managed by good luck to get through a crowd of shouting Reds and
+followed it up amidst shouts from the Blues and shot it to the Red
+goal; but the goalkeeper (a different one) came out and hit it away,
+at which I twisted my knee and collapsed (not with pain, because it
+wasn't anything, but with anger and _desparation!_) Am I to learn
+boxing this term? I am sorry to hear the hens are not behaving well."
+
+I should like to have seen the bold goalkeeper of 3 st. 4 lb. It is a
+proud weight.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YESTERDAY IN OXFORD STREET.
+
+  Yesterday in Oxford Street, oh, what d'you think, my dears?
+  I had the most exciting time I've had for years and years;
+  The buildings looked so straight and tall, the sky was blue between,
+  And, riding on a motor-bus, I saw the fairy queen!
+
+  Sitting there upon the rail and bobbing up and down,
+  The sun was shining on her wings and on her golden crown;
+  And looking at the shops she was, the pretty silks and lace--
+  She seemed to think that Oxford Street was quite a lovely place.
+
+  And once she turned and looked at me and waved her little hand,
+  But I could only glare and stare, oh, would she understand?
+  I simply couldn't speak at all, I simply couldn't stir,
+  And all the rest of Oxford Street was just a shining blur.
+
+  Then suddenly she shook her wings--a bird had fluttered by--
+  And down into the street she looked and up into the sky,
+  And perching on the railing on a tiny fairy toe
+  She flashed away so quickly that I hardly saw her go.
+
+  I never saw her any more, although I looked all day;
+  Perhaps she only came to peep and never meant to stay;
+  But oh, my dears, just think of it, just think what luck for me
+  That she should come to Oxford Street and I be there to see!
+
+R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIGHT ON THE SITUATION.
+
+    "Dr. Michaelis is the trusted no-hold-out until their plans
+    of annexation have been carried out, and they always receive
+    a gracious telegram in reply. So he who cares to hear knows
+    what the hour is striking."--_Egyptian Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC HUMILITY.
+
+    "Two years ago The Daily Mail begged our sluggish authorities
+    to study the question of daylight air-raids as well as night
+    attacks. We pointed out their risk; we asked that the best
+    means of meeting them should be considered and the best method
+    of warning the public investigated. The result was that nothing
+    was done."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Of old was it written that they who taketh up the sword shall
+    perish by the sword, and the written word remaineth."--_The
+    Daily Mirror_.
+
+But it hath been a little damaged in the interval.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It may be estimated the Germans opposing our troops represented
+    an average concentration of more than four men to every yard of
+    front."--_Liverpool Echo_.
+
+Never could it have been done with four pre-war Germans!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Up to July 26 1,559 lists had been issued officially of German
+    casualties. Each list contained 19,802 pages of three columns
+    per page, and each column contained between 80 and 90 names of
+    dead, wounded, and missing officers and men--a total of nearly
+    6,000,000."--_Daily Sketch_.
+
+We trust our spirited contemporary has not joined the Hide-the-Truth
+Press, for we make the sum approximately 7,872,186,090.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (to father of conscientious
+objector)._ "BUT SUPPOSING A GERMAN WAS GOING FOR YOUR SON WITH A
+BAYONET--WOULDN'T HE GO FOR THE GERMAN?"
+
+_Father of C.O._ "AY! I DOUBT HE'D SAY SUMMAT. 'E'S GOT A SHARP TONGUE
+WHEN 'E'S VEXED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.)
+
+I think I prefer Mr. WELLS'S recent essay in the Newest Theology to
+this too concrete illustration of _The Soul of a Bishop_ (CASSELL).
+It's not that I object to the irreverence of stripping a poor tired
+bishop of cassock and gaiters, pursuing him to a sleepless bed and
+cinematographing all his physical twistings and turnings, his moral
+misgivings, his torturing doubts. I owe too much to Mr. WELLS'
+irreverences to mind that sort of thing; and I must say that, for a
+man who can't have had very much to do with the episcopacy in his
+busy life, he does manage to give a confoundedly plausible atmosphere
+to the whole setting. There are two letters from an older bishop to
+_Dr. Scrope_, the one, yieldingly tolerant, to dissuade him from
+resignation, the other, written after the accomplished fact, with
+touches of exquisitely restrained yet palpable malice, which strike
+me as masterly projections. Mr. WELLS also contrives a wonderful
+impressiveness in certain passages of the bishop's three visions. But
+I can't, even after careful re-reading, see the point of making the
+bishop's enlightenment depend upon a mysterious drug. This has an
+effect of impishness. There is nothing in _Dr. Scrope's_ development
+that might not have taken place without this fantastic assistance....
+I suppose the general suggestion of this rather wayward and hasty but
+conspicuously sincere book is, that if only an occasional bishop would
+secede it would make it easier for the plain man to listen to the
+rest. And there may be something in this.
+
+To those who are in love with Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S incurable romanticism
+or who have a taste for heroines that "stiffen in a sudden stroke
+of passion looking for the instant electrically beautiful," let me
+commend _The Red Planet_ (LANE). As a matter of fact _Betty_, the
+heroine, is quite a dear, and the narrator, _Major Meredyth_, a maimed
+hero of the Boer War, who looks at this one from the tragic angle of
+an invalid chair, is, apart from a habit of petulant and not very
+profound grousing at Governments in _The Daily Rail_ manner, a sport
+who thoroughly deserves the reward of poor widowed _Betty's_ hand
+on the last page but one. Perhaps he does not show a very ready
+understanding of the phenomenon of physical cowardice in the case of a
+brother-officer, though later he makes amends. But I take it that it
+was Mr. LOCKE'S idea to present a very ordinary decent sort with the
+common man's prejudices and frank distrust of subtleties. A sinister
+mystery of love, death and blackmail runs, a turbid undercurrent,
+through the story. The publisher's pathetic apology for the drab grey
+paper on which, in the interests of War Economy, the book is printed,
+makes one wonder how the other publishers who still issue books in
+black and white manage to live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the literary reputations that the War has, so to speak, dug in, I
+suppose none to be more firmly consolidated than that of Mr. PATRICK
+MACGILL. The newest of his several battle-books is _The Brown
+Brethren_ (JENKINS), a title derived from the campaigning colour
+that has amended a popular quotation till it should now read "the
+thin brown line of heroes." I can hardly tell you anything about
+Mr. MACGILL'S new book that you have not probably read or said for
+yourself of the previous volumes. For my own part, if the War is to
+be written about at all (a question concerning which I preserve an
+open mind), I say let it be, as here, the real thing, and the hotter
+and stronger the better. There is rough humour in these sketches of
+soldier types, and just enough story to thread them together; but it
+is the fighting that counts. Certain chapters, for example that about
+_Benner's_ struggle with the Hun sniper, seem to leave one bruised and
+breathless as from personal conflict. Mr. MACGILL writes about war as
+he knows it, horribly, in a way that carries conviction like a charge
+of bayonets, and with an entire disregard of the sensibilities of the
+stay-at-home reader. For all which reasons _The Brown Brethren_ and
+their French friends are assured of the success that they certainly
+deserve. Here's wishing them the best of it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Sentence of the Court_ (WARD, LOCK) Mr. FRED M. WHITE
+contrives effectively to entangle our interest in one of those webs of
+facile intrigue from which the reader escapes only at the last line of
+the last page, muttering at he lays the volume down and observes with
+concern that it is 2.30 A.M., "What rot!" The title of the story is
+misleading. There is no Court, and nobody is sentenced, though the
+eminent specialist of Harley Street who essays the _rôle_ of villain
+richly deserves to be. However, as he is left a bankrupt, discredited
+in his practice and detached from the heroine whom he had sworn to
+appropriate, it would perhaps be straining a point to cavil at his
+remaining at large. The idea upon which the story is based, and which
+enables the author to clothe his characters and their actions with
+bewildering mystery, is essentially good and, I believe, new, though
+far be it from me to do either Mr. WHITE or the reader the disservice
+of saying what it is. Suffice that we are introduced to some quite
+charming people, as well as two extremely unpleasant ones, and if the
+web of mystery is held together in places by a somewhat generous share
+of obtuseness on the part of the persons concerned it is not for us to
+complain, since we become aware of the defect only after the affair is
+over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apart from the greater complaint that I do not like her subject, which
+probably is entirely my own fault, I have nothing but praise for Mrs.
+STANLEY WRENCH'S latest volume, _Beat_ (DUCKWORTH), except as regards
+her amazing fondness for drooping the corners of her characters'
+mouths, generally either "wistfully" or "sullenly." It only made one
+annoyed when _Beatrix's_ unpleasant sisters developed the trick,
+but when poor little _Beat_ herself was affected that way, in spite
+of the magnificent courage with which she faced the burden of
+deputy-motherhood, it made one miserable as well. The task she had
+undertaken was a prodigious one, for the sisters she had to rear
+were, you must understand, vexed with sex instincts of the type of
+the modern novel, and so in a large measure she failed, even though
+she sacrificed strength, happiness and even her own love-story in
+the effort to keep them straight. The tale is set out with every
+circumstance of sordid misery, in which the spiritual beauty of
+the heroine is meant to shine, and undeniably does shine with
+real strength and purity. The successive deaths of the mother and
+step-mother, the shabby London lodgings, the fall of _Veronica_, the
+selfishness of _Beat's_ boy-friend, and the loathsome trade of her
+lover--these, and more horrors and lapses beside, are all taxed for
+the general effect in so able and vivid a fashion that the authoress
+succeeds to admiration in making her readers nearly as uncomfortable
+as her characters, long before the climax is reached. The end comes
+rather less wretchedly than could have been expected, but even so
+surely this is genius partly run to seed. The greatest tragedies are
+not written in these minor keys. _Beat_, woman and heroine, is so
+admirable that one fain would know her apart from all this unredeemed
+welter of sex and selfishness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I confess I should have thought that the fictional possibilities
+of being as like as two peas to Royalty were fairly exhausted. But
+apparently Mr. EDGAR JEPSON does not share this view; and it is only
+fair to admit that in _The Professional Prince_ (HUTCHINSON) he has
+contrived to give a novel twist to the already well laboured theme.
+_Prince Richard_ (precise nationality unstated) was so bored with
+the common round of his exalted duties that, hearing of a convenient
+double, he engages him, at four hundred a year and pickings, to
+represent him at dull functions, and incidentally to pay the requisite
+attentions to the young woman, reported by photograph as depressingly
+plain, whom political considerations have marked as the _Prince's
+fiancée_. When later one of the characters points out to His Highness
+that this conduct showed some lapse from the finer ideals of taste, I
+am bound to say that I could find no words of contradiction. However
+the originality arrives when _John Stuart_, the deputy, instead of
+falling in love with the bride-elect in Ruritanian fashion, develops
+a marked liking for the prosaic side of his job, and insists upon
+lecturing his supposed relations upon the political crisis of the
+moment. Capital fun this. When the _fiancée_ in her turn proved wholly
+different from the photograph I permitted myself to hope that we
+were in for a double masquerade--but this was to expect too much.
+Still, Mr. JEPSON has handled his wildly-preposterous plot with
+great verve; and even if the central situation is one that has been
+often encountered before, this only proves again that HOPE springs
+eternal.... But I wish he had avoided the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Manager of Automatic Dreadnought Pianofortissimo
+Company (enthusiastically to Literary Gentleman who has written a
+moving appeal to the public in favour of the Company's goods)._ "MY
+DEAR SIR, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT. IT ALMOST MAKES ME DECIDE TO BUY ONE
+OF THE THINGS FOR MYSELF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED."
+
+    "Wanted, modern Detached Villa Residence, inside tram
+    lines."--_Northern Whig_.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10711 ***