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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:34:12 -0700 |
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diff --git a/old/10292-8.txt b/old/10292-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b7c7c8a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10292-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2646 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 36, December 3, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 36, December 3, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 26, 2003 [EBook #10292] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 36 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, | + | on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER, | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. 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Chandler. | + | | + | The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the | + | reception of original articles from any part of the country, | + | subject to approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any | + | point of interest within the scope of the Journal will | + | receive prompt attention. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | + | DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. Subscription, | + | $5.00 per annum. In advance. 50 cts. per number. Specimen | + | copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +MAN AND WIVES. + +A TRAVESTY. + +By MOSE SKINNER. + +CHAPTER SECOND. + +LOVE. + +The Hon. MICHAEL LADLE and ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP were interrupted in their +conversation by BELINDA, who sent off the former under pretence that the +croquet players were waiting for him, or, as she expressed it, it was +"his turn to mallet." + +As soon as he was fairly out of sight, she turned to ARCHIBALD, and +said; "Come with me." + +"What for?" said ARCHIBALD, as she seized him by the arm and hurried him +into the shrubbery. "Recollect," he added, "that I am an orphan, with a +constitution never robust." + +She made no reply till they were screened from observation. + +"You needn't be afraid, you little fool," she said. "Sit down on that +stump." + +ARCHIBALD tremblingly obeyed her. + +She imprisoned his fluttering hand in hers, and smoothed his hair +reassuringly. + +"ARCHIE," she murmured; "_dear_ ARCHIE." + +"Oh, don't, _don't_ talk that way," said ARCHIBALD. "You make me afraid +of you." + +"Afraid!" she returned. "And of _me_? Oh cruel, cruel ARCHIBALD. Is it +for this that I have passed many a sleepless night, awaking unrefreshed +with haggard orbs? Is it for this that I've pined away and refused meat +victuals?" + +She paused. Her heart was beating violently. She took from her pocket a +copy of the _Ledger_, adjusted her eye-glasses, and continued: + +"ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP, for weeks I have basked in the sunlight of your +existence. Your celestial smile, shedding a tranquil calm o'er my +perturbed spirit, has been my daily sustenance. Your ethereal form, +beautiful as an houri, has, with its subtle fascination, enthralled and +steeped in bliss my innermost soul, lifting me as it were into a purer, +a holier existence. Your--" + +"Oh-h," moaned the wretched ARCHIBALD, "_please_ stop. That's COBB, Jr. +I _know_ it is. When I was sea-sick on the canal, they read a chapter to +me just like that, instead of giving me an emetic, and I was out of my +head all next day." + +"But you _do_ love me, don't you, ARCHIBALD?--just a very small +fragment, you know." + +She seized him by the ear and kissed him twice. + +"Come, own up now," said she, "that from the first moment you saw me, +you have felt a sort of a spooney hankering, and a general looseness, +including a desire to write poetry and use hair-oil, and wear pretty +neckties; a sort of a feeling that your clothes don't fit you, and you +can't bear the sight of gravy, and dote on lavender kids, and want to +part your hair in the middle. _That's_ being in love, ARCHIE. That's--" + +At this juncture voices were heard calling for ARCHIBALD. + +"Oh, do, _do_ let me go," he pleaded. + +BELINDA grasped him firmly by the collar. "Heaven knows," said she +impressively, "that I have wooed you thus far in a spirit of the most +delicate consideration. Now, I mean business, I want a husband, and by +the Sixteenth Amendment, you don't stir from this spot, until you +promise to marry me!" + +"But--but--I don't want to get married," said ARCHIBALD; "I--I--ain't +old enough." + +She glared at him menacingly. + +"Am I to understand then," she shrieked, "that you dare refuse me?" And +she laughed hysterically. + +"Oh, no, no. I wouldn't. Of course I wouldn't," groaned the ghastly +youth. "I'll promise _anything_, if you'll only let me go." + + +Thus it was, mid the hushed repose of that lovely June twilight, while +all Nature seemed to pronounce a sweet benediction, that these loving +hearts commingled. The soft hum of the June-bug seemed to have a sweeter +sound, and the little fly walked unmolested across their foreheads, for +they were betrothed. + + +CHAPTER THIRD. + +WHERE THE WOODBINE TWINETH. + +Notwithstanding the thrilling events enacted near by, that modest +production of Nature, the woodbine, still continued to twine in all its +pristine virginity. And meanwhile, JEFFRY MAULBOY is at the appointed +rendezvous, waiting for ANN BRUMMET. + +She comes. + +But why that glazed expression, and that convulsive twitching of the +lips? + +She is chewing gum. + +"Hilloa, JEFF," said she. "Mean thing. Been here a whole day, and not a +single word about my new overskirt. How does it hang behind?" + +What reply does this cruel, this heartless man make? + +He took a chew of tobacco, and said: + +"Oh, bother your overskirt. Is that the 'something very particular' you +wanted to see me for?" + +"Oh no," she replied; "I forgot." She looked cautiously round, and +added: + +"Say, JEFF, folks are talking about us awfully." + +"Let 'em talk," was the rejoinder. + +"Oh, yes," she replied. "Of course _you_ don't care. The more a man is +talked about the better he likes it, and the more he's thought of. But +it's death to a woman." + +"Well, I don't care any way," said JEFFRY. + +"Yes you do care too," she replied. S'posen it should get to the ears of +that rich widow you're engaged to. 'Twould be all up with you _there_, +sure, JEFF. She ain't burdened with principle, the Lord knows, but she's +got jealousy enough to break the match short off, and kill you besides, +if she hears of it. + +"And she'll hear of it anyhow, if they keep up their infernal clack," +said he fiercely. "I'd like to choke the whole confounded pack." + +"The talk would all die out," said ANN slowly, "if I should go away." + +"Any fool can see that," replied he. "What do you mean?" + +"I've been thinking of going," she continued, "for six months. I'm a +poor relation, and Mrs. LADLE hates me. And as for BELINDA, she has so +many good clothes, I can't take any comfort seeing her round." + +"Where to?" inquired JEFFRY incredulously. + +"Oh, anywhere," she replied. "I can dance a jig, you know. I'll go to +New York, and let myself as the 'Eminent and Graceful Queen of +Terpsichore, imported from Paris at a cost of Forty Thousand Dollars in +Gold.' And then I'll make a tour of the New England States. Or I'll +learn to play the banjo and get off slang phrases, and then I'll appear +as 'The Beautiful and Gifted Artist, ANNETTA BRUMMETTA, who has, by her +guileless vivacity, charmed our most Fashionable Circles.' Or I'll go as +Assistant Teacher in a Select Boarding School for Young Ladies. I ain't +proud, you know." + +JEFFRY grinned. "Let me advise you," said he, "to go right off +to-morrow. I'll help you pack your trunk inside of an hour, if you say +so." + +"That ain't the point," she retorted sharply. "I ain't got rid of so +easily as _that_, I tell you." + +"What do you mean by that?" he inquired, with a scowl. + +"I mean just this," she returned. "I won't go at all if you don't do +what's right by me. If you'll agree to my terms I'll go, and not +without." + +"Your _terms_!" said he, with a sneer. "Well, that _is_ a go. What may +your 'terms' be?" he continued, derisively. + +"Marriage," replied she; "private if you say so, and a remittance of +fifty dollars a month for six months." + +He laughed in her face. "Marry _you_? Well, I guess not," said he. "Do +you take me for an idiot?" + +"You ain't obliged to stick by it," she continued. "We're in Indiana, +ain't we? We'll take a minister and a lawyer along with us. While the +minister is marrying us, the lawyer can be at work on the divorce +papers. When you are JEFFRY MAULBOY again, a single man, and I'm once +more ANN BRUMMET. spinster, I'll go away and never trouble you again. +There's no risk. I go in ANN BRUMMET, and come out ANN BRUMMET, all +inside of two hours, and there's nobody to tell of it. The lawyer and +minister are used to it, you see, and the secret's safe with _them_." + +JEFFRY MAULBOY took an unusually large chew of tobacco, and thought it +all over. + +"I won't do it," he finally said. + +"All right, then," she replied; "I'll write to Mrs. CUPID and tell her +the whole story, and I'll stay here besides. It'll be hard enough on me +for a while if I go, and harder still if I stay; but I'll do it to +_spite you_. I'll break off your match with Mrs. CUPID if I _do_ stay, +now mark my words." + +JEFFRY MAULBOY walked back and forth, and emitted the choicest string +of curses that his extensive and valuable collection enabled him to +cull. At last he stopped in front of her, and said savagely: + +"I'll do it. But if you ever lisp a word to any living soul till I'm +safely married to CUPID, I'll kill you, dead sure. Do you hear that?" + +"When and how is the thing to be done?" he growled again. + +"The sooner the better," was ANN'S reply. "If you don't hear from me by +to-morrow noon, go to the Half-way House at Forney's Crag. That's all +_you've_ got to do. I'll have the lawyer and minister both there. +_You'd_ better be there too. That's all I say." + +Alone in his room, JEFFRY admitted that ANN had been too smart for him. + +"And I'm mighty afraid that, somehow or other, the old she-dragon will +get the best of me yet in this infernal business," he soliloquized. +"Anyhow, I'll sleep on it," and he went to bed. + +He got up in the morning, firmly resolved to break his engagement with +ANN. + +"She was only bluffing me last night," he said. "She daren't tell +CUPID." But he didn't feel easy for all that. + +After breakfast he took his hat and started out. + +"Where are you bound, JEFF?" inquired ARCHIBALD. + +"Anywhere," was the reply. "Come along." + +JEFFRY was awful dull company, so Archibald thought. He took very large +chews of tobacco, and expectorated freely into the eyes of the small +boys whom they chanced to meet, and if he didn't make a good shot, he +swore awfully. Once he went away across a field on purpose to kick a +very small dog, and ARCHIBALD waited for him. + +"Why, JEFFRY," said ARCHIBALD, "what ails you? You're awfully down in +the mouth this morning." + +"And so you'd be if you was in my boots," was the reply. + +And then he up and told ARCHIBALD the whole story. + +The latter was so thoroughly dumbfounded that a decently-smart boy could +have blown him over without any apparent effort. + +"Why, JEFF," said he, "only to think of it. Ain't it awful? And ANN +BRUMMET, too; ain't I glad it ain't me, though." + +"That's no way to console a fellow, you fool," said JEFFRY. "You'd +better offer to help me out of the scrape." + +"Why, so I will, of course," said ARCHIBALD. "If I hadn't saved your +life, of course you wouldn't have got into it; and so I feel bound, you +know, to see you out of it. What shall I do?" + +"Why, just go over to the Half-way House, and tell ANN I can't come. +Tell her I've got the small-pox, or broke my leg, or my old man's +dying--or anything, so that she understands I can't come." + +"You'd better give me a letter," said ARCHIBALD, "and I'll slip it under +her door and run off. I never could remember all that, I should be so +flustered, you know." + +"No," replied JEFFRY, "I shan't give you any letter. I ain't fool enough +to commit myself to any woman in black and white." + +"Well," replied ARCHIBALD drearily, "just as you say. Oh, what a knowing +man the Hon. MICHAEL is! He said you'd make me pay that debt of saving +your life, sooner or later, and it's turned out sooner. But I'll go, +JEFFRY, if I can get away from BELINDA. She tags me round everywhere, +and wants to court me all the time. Ain't it dreadful? What time shall I +go?" + +"Three o'clock," answered JEFFRY. "Tell her I'd come if I could but I +can't _anyhow_. Be sure and tell her _that_, and anything else you've a +mind to." + +(To be continued.) + + * * * * * + +PIGEON ENGLISH. + +Certainly newspaper writers are given to making very remarkable +statements. In describing General CHANGARNIER, a newspaper lately +informed us that "he stoops his head, which is sprinkled over with a few +gray hairs when walking." Now, if the general's head be sprinkled when +walking, we may fairly infer that the gray hairs, unless brushed off, +remain upon it when it stands still. We are additionally mystified by +the further statement--still with reference to the same officer--that +"he enjoys the personal demeanor of the French people to a remarkable +degree." This we are very much delighted to hear, although we have not +the slightest idea what it means. + + * * * * * + +Corroborative. + +A late item of war news states that "the Prussians have advanced to +Dole," while from several other sources we learn that the Prussians have +come to Grief. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Ambergris_.--Can you give me the motto of the City of Strasbourg? + +_Answer_.--We cannot at this moment recall the Flemish version of it, +but it means, in English, "We make our own Pies." + +_Katrina Shwachenzittern_. We have had some difficulty in deciphering +your manuscript. Your grievance, however, seems to be that one of your +boarders, an Alsatian, keeps a ten-pound brass cannon in his bedroom, +and fires a grand salvo with it whenever a French victory is announced. +This, of course, is very foolish. The best way of putting a stop to it +would be for your German boarders to keep guns of even larger calibre in +their rooms, and fire the Frenchman down. You will then have a perfect +right to charge all your boarders for extra fires. + +_Ney_.--Please explain two things about the war. First: How did the +Mobile Guard come to leave Mobile? Second: Is _Francs-Tireurs_ the +French for FRANK BUTLER'S black-and-tan terriers? + +_Answer_.--We cannot perceive much difference between NEY and BRAY. + +_Artichoke_.--You are mistaken in supposing total deafness to be an +indispensable qualification in a candidate for the position of prompter +to a theatre. + +_Flippertygibbet_.--How is the belligerent attitude of the Russian Bear +likely to affect the New York money market? + +_Answer_.--Turn a rushin' bear into any market, and see what the result +will be. + +_Paterfamilias_.--I am the unhappy father of three brace of twins, and +wish to dispose of one out of each brace. Can you advise me in the +matter? + +_Answer_.--If you don't mind being put in the Lockup, perhaps you had +better apply to "Dr." LOOKUP. + +_Sad-you-See_.--We cannot sympathize with you in your wail about the +markets being "flat." Wait a while, patiently, and they will come +"round." + +_Peter Dole_.--Your questions about cooking turkeys for Thanksgiving Day +are so multitudinous, that we can only reply to them generally. In +Europe it is the usage for Crowned Heads and their families, only, to +eat sausages with their turkey; and, if ever the true story of the Man +with the Iron Mask comes to be unveiled, it is more than likely that the +mystery will be found to hinge upon that fact. + + * * * * * + +A PRESIDENTIAL FLOUT. + +According to the Washington special despatches to the _Philadelphia +Inquirer_, the President has tendered a Cabinet appointment to several +distinguished members of the Union League of that city. Either from +excessive modesty, however, or, as is probable, from prudent doubts as +to their ability to fill the position, all of these gentlemen have +declined to accept the offer. + +It is surmised that the object of the President's recent visit to +Philadelphia (ostensibly to see his old friend, Mr. BORIE), was to +examine the roll of the League, comprising two thousand members, for the +purpose of selecting one who might serve on a pinch to fill the office +in question. + +This was a bitter stroke of satire on the part of Mr. GRANT, since it is +generally understood in Philadelphia, that, outside the ranks of the +Mutual Admiration Society to which we have referred, there are no brains +to be found among the Republicans of Philadelphia. + + + * * * * * + +A Bubble of Air. + +What is the most favorable sort of weather for ballooning? + +_Highly_ favorable weather. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE THREE CENTS. + +An Incident both Dramatic and True. + +SLINEY, OF SWAMPVILLE, COMES TO THE CITY. AS HE SHAMBLES ALONG THREE +BRIGHT CENTS FALL AT HIS FEET. AMAZEMENT OF SLINEY, WHO GAZES UP AT AN +OPEN WINDOW, BUT, NOT SEEING ANY PERSON THERE, SUPPOSES THAT SHOWERS OF +COPPERS ARE PECULIAR TO THE CLIMATE. + +HAVING POCKETED THE COINS, SLINEY PROCEEDS UPON HIS WAY. HARDLY HAS HE +GONE A DOZEN PACES WHEN THREE CENTS AGAIN RING DOWN UPON THE +FLAG-STONES, AND SPARKLE THERE IN THE SUN. DELIGHT OF SLINEY, WHO AGAIN +GAZES UP SMILINGLY AT THIRD-STORY WINDOWS, HOLDING OUT HIS HAT AS IF TO +ASK FOR MORE. + +AGAIN SLINEY PROCEEDS TO POCKET THE COINS. BUT, HA!--WHAT IS THIS? HIS +COUNTENANCE CHANGES: HIS LONG BONY FINGERS NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME DETECT +THE FATAL FLAW IN HIS TROUSERS POCKET. 'TWAS HIS ORIGINAL CAPITAL, +BROUGHT BY HIM FROM SWAMPVILLE TO INVEST IN STOCKS, THAT HE HAS BEEN +PICKING UP ALL ALONG. AGONY OF SLINEY, WHICH IS AGGRAVATED BY THE RIBALD +LAUGHTER OF SOME WICKED PERSONS WHO HAVE THROWN THEMSELVES UPON HIS +TRACK.] + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST BOSTON NOTION. + +The well-earned reputation acquired by Boston for leading the world in +new ideas is so thoroughly established as to need no recapitulation +here. We merely speak of it for the purpose of mentioning that city's +last contribution to mankind, of this kind. They have a hotel there +which advertises through the seductive fly-pages of our magazines in the +following terms: "Courtesy to strangers is a marked feature in the +management of--" + +But we remember in time that we have no right to interfere with the +advertising columns. However, it is a fact that there is a hotel in +America where courtesy to guests is a feature, and of course a marked +one. It is a cheering fact, and especially so just now, in this early +fall, when we are all smarting with the fresh memories of our summer's +sufferings at the hands of the hotel proprietors, their head clerks, and +the rest of the rapacious crew. What an attractive picture it presents! +A hotel where guests are treated with courtesy! Really, if anything +could seduce us into making a visit to Boston, the desire to actually +witness this surprising innovation upon our national customs would prove +too strong for the reverential fear which keeps us distant worshippers +of that American Mecca. + + * * * * * + +Odious Comparison. + +"She is a gem," remarked Mr. JENKINSOP, speaking of his red-haired wife. + +"Yes--a diamond of many carats," was the low rejoinder of JENKINSOP'S +friend, WINKLESOP. + + * * * * * + +ROYAL DEMOCRACY. + +It appears to have been decided that one of the royal princesses of +England can be allowed to marry, without being obliged to find some +royal prince for that purpose. Perhaps this course has been discovered +to be possible from the fact that the stock of royal princes is getting +short in Europe. Prussia has gobbled up any number of German ones, and +bids fair to do so with the rest. But we prefer to think that this +innovation is really due to the women's rights movement. Their platform +is broad enough for the entire sex to stand on, and why should a +princess, from the unfortunate accident of her birth, be debarred her +natural right to fall in love with the man of her choice, and to marry +the man she loves. At any rate we commend this change of policy to the +leaders of the women's rights party, as a proof of the success their +movement has gained, and advise them to send a series of congratulatory +resolutions to the princess in question, upon her gaining her +unquestioned right to consult her heart rather than a Lord Chancellor in +the bestowal of her hand. + + * * * * * + +An Anecdote from Salt Lake. + +A GYPSY came to BRIGHAM YOUNG with a pony for sale. + +"Why, the beast is half-starved," said BRIGHAM, running his hand over +the pony's side. "You can count his ribs." + +"That's more'n a chap could do with yours," retorted the gypsy. + +BRIGHAM YOUNG did not buy that pony. + + * * * * * + +NATURAL HISTORY IN OUR PARKS. + +No greater tribute has yet been paid to the already improved condition +of our city parks under the new _régime_, than the arrival in them of +strange birds by which they had not hitherto been patronized. Within a +few days past several owls have been captured in the solemn pines with +which these delightful retreats have lately been made green, if not +shady. The owl, as is well known, was regarded by the ancients as the +Bird of Wisdom. He fully sustained his right to the title by letting +severely alone the city parks while they were still dreary and +disgusting wastes. The only night-birds by which these were, then +occupied were of the featherless (and apparently motherless) kind, and +were well known to the police. They were quite as watchful, it is true, +as the genuine feathered owl that has just commenced to give its very +extraordinary countenance to the parks, but then it was with other +people's watches, not their own. It is with much concern that we hear +reports of the slaughter of some of these solemn but beautiful owls that +have come to ventilate their wisdom among us. The reports in question +were very definite and unmistakable, most of them proceeding from +revolvers handled by members of the Municipal Police Force, while others +emanated from the barrels of shot-guns wielded by beery Teutons, who +rushed frantically out from their sawdust lairs when they were told that +the game was up--that is, that an owl was up a tree. This was scurvy +treatment for the visitors. To "put a head on" an owl, which is already +provided with one so large and so comical, appears to be a work both +superfluous and inhuman. The only apology for it in this instance is, +that these night-birds of prey were supposed by the police to have been +attracted to the parks by the prospect of succulent suppers on the very +well-fed sparrows by which these resorts are now thickly tenanted. The +owls hooted at this notion; but their hooting was only answered by +shooting, and the poor foolish Birds of Wisdom have been stuffed with +tow instead of sparrows, and set up to form the nucleus of an +ornithological Rogues' Gallery in the City Hall. + +On visiting the Battery a few days ago, one of the park-keepers (himself +looking in his bright new uniform somewhat like a blue-jay) expressed +his conviction that, next spring, that time-honored pleasure-garden of +the old Knickerbockers will be a paradise for song-birds such as it has +not been since the original Swedish Nightingale warbled her "woodnotes +wild" there a score of years ago, more or less. The sea-gulls, he +thought (will Judge HILTON have the goodness to provide these park +officers with manuals of ornithology?), would build their nests in the +pine-trees with which the wide esplanade that stretches away to the +water's edge will soon be bristling. Honest, but mistaken young man! As +well might he have said that the sea-wall [a very substantial one, by +the way] would build its nest in the melancholy pines. But it is +reasonable to hope that pine grossbeaks will find their way thither, and +that the German flutes of various finches will provide for the coming +Bavarians and Hessians (should any be left after the siege of Paris and +the _sorties_ of the truculent TROCHU) a welcome such as has not +heretofore been accorded to the strangers who at Castle Garden first set +foot upon our shore. + +The Bowling Green--late a nuisance and a pandemonium, now an oasis of +verdure--has not as yet reported its owl, but the public eye is upon it, +and the nocturnal marauder may yet be detected in the forks of the great +willow-trees, which still retain their verdure. The sparrows are almost +disproportionately numerous in this small park, but this may be +accounted for. It has lately been laid down with new grass, the green, +tender blades of which, just now beginning to crop out, are probably +mistaken by the birds for "sparrow-grass" munificently provided for them +by the Commissioners. + +In all of these city parks the contrast between past and present is very +striking and agreeable. But a few short months ago they were the +domiciles and dormitories of outcast roughs and vagrants of the worst +description, whose "'owls," as a Cockney explorer observed, "made night +'ideous." The only muss now common to them is the _mus_ tribe, +comprising the _mus ratus_, or ordinary rat (so called from its haunting +ordinaries, we suppose), and the timid mouse, with which the Bird of +Wisdom is contented to put up when the sparrows decline to come to his +claw. + +Central Park offers numerous attractions now to all who love to keep up +their animal spirits by studying animal life. There is a fat little +Asiatic pig there, who is the very picture of content. A red pig he is, +and exceedingly well behaved. The best red pig, in fact, that we +remember ever to have seen, beating the learned pig by several trumps +and an ace. When we last saw him he was very busy with his pen, and our +surmise was that his mind was fully occupied with arrangements for +editing the works of BACON, or, possibly, those of HOGG. + +The young elephant has increased immensely, since last year, in stature +and girth. He is remarkably neat in his person, wisping himself all over +with hay for hours at a time. Whether he does this for cleanliness or to +obtain a flavor of elephant for the hay is doubtful, however, for he +always eats it after having made use of it as a flesh-brush for a good +while. Notices requesting visitors "not to feed or annoy the animals" +are posted on the compartments. In the case of the elephant, though, it +might be as well also to caution persons against making jokes about his +trunk--a low kind of ribaldry in which every carpet-bagger, who never +had one, seems to think himself bound to indulge. + +There is a cinnamon bear in one of the outside cages, whose claws remind +one sharply that cinnamon and cloves go together, and that clove is a +tense of the verb "to cleave." But we do not want such a fellow as that +to cleave to us, since it is evident that a grocer kind of brute than a +cinnamon bear cannot be found in all the ursine family. "Sugar and +spice, and all things nice," are stated in song to be the materials that +"little girls are made of," but if we thought that cinnamon bear figured +upon the list of groceries thus used for modelling young maidens, we +would either fly to the desert with Dr. MARY WALKER or immure ourselves +in a nunnery with SUSAN B. ANTHONY, and all the other females of the +anti-sugar-and-spice persuasion. + +Fattest of all the beasts in the Central Park collection is the larger +of the two grizzly bears. From the easy way in which he takes life, he +reminds one of a successful politician, who had worked his way up from +being a slim and impecunious "repeater" to the position of Alderman, or +Custom House official, and President of the Fat Men's Club. There is a +drunken leer in this beast's eye, an inebriate roll in all his +movements, that lead one mechanically to peer into the darkness of his +den with the view of seeing what the Bar fixings are like. It would be a +rare freak to treat the huge fellow to a cask of rum and sugar, and then +stand by with a comic artist, and take down for PUNCHINELLO the traits +of BRUIN the Grizzly on a "bender," and with all his repressed nature +brought out by the strong drink. + +"Carnivorium" is the word now properly applied by the Park authorities +to the establishment in which the wild beasts are kept. That is, the +term will be correct when applied only to the particular department +allotted to the fierce flesh-devouring animals. At present camels are +accommodated in the Carnivorium, and so are cows, which is a sort of +slur upon the habits of these poor innocent vegetarians. The new word, +however, is likely to find considerable extension, and if any provider +for the public maw should choose hereafter to call his dining-saloon a +Carnivorium, none would have a right to cavil at him on philological +grounds, at least. + +By and by the Park will have a new and sensational attraction. The +antediluvian monsters of that great FRANKENSTEIN of the period, Mr. +WATERHOUSE HAWKINS, will soon be advanced enough to "give fits" to the +nursery-maids and their tender charges. Accipitrine in features as in +name, Mr. HAWKINS is a living illustration of the Darwinian theory. +Certainly his remote ancestors must have been of the falcon family. He +revels in birds; though, when he cannot obtain those, he can put up with +lizards, which he usually prefers manufactured, and of a length not less +than from sixty to one hundred feet. This reminds us that a saurian of a +hundred feet should not be confounded with a centipede. + +It will be seen, then, that the landscape-gardens of our great city are +in a fair way of being able to afford some illustrations for students of +Natural History more interesting than the oyster-shells and old boots +with which most of them have hitherto been stocked. + + * * * * * + +FRUIT FOR BALLOONISTS. Currents in the air. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FASHION CORRESPONDENTS REPORT THAT "NETS ARE TO BE WORN +MUCH LONGER." PUNCHINELLO SUGGESTS, THEN, THAT THEY MIGHT BE PROFITABLY +ADAPTED FOR CATCHING FISH AS WELL AS BEAUX.] + + * * * * * + +THE AVERAGE THANKSGIVING. + +NINE O'CLOCK A.M. + + I'm thankful I was bright enough, this year, + To have my turkey bought a week ahead! + Oh, what a bird it is! 'Twas awful dear,-- + But, thank the Lord! the turkey's been well fed. + +TEN O'CLOCK A.M. + + There! I've forgot the oysters. Thank the Lord, + There's time enough with early church; Old GRIMES, + I hope, will pity us to-day; he's bored + A hungry crowd so many, many times. + +ELEVEN O'CLOCK A.M. + + Oh, what a crowd! Hallo! Another man! + Well, thank the Lord, 'twill be a change, at least; + I s'pose he'll aggravate us all he can: + And that's _so_ easy just before a feast. + +TWELVE O'CLOCK M. + +Oh, what a bore! He's worse than Grimes by half; + So slow!--That turkey will be done to rags!-- +I'm famished! I could eat the fatted calf. + There! Thank the Lord! He's winding up; he fags. + +ONE P.M. + + Give me the knife. Be quick, my love, be quick! + I never was so hungry in my life! + Well, thank the Lord, that tedious old stick + _Did_ let us off.--Oh, hang this carving-knife! + +TWO P.M. + + I wish I had not eaten quite so much; + But, really, the mince-pie was _so_ prime! + You gave it just the real, old, fancy touch. + There! (Thank the Lord, I got the meat in time.) + +THREE P.M. + + My eyes! how sleepy I have grown since noon! + Some wine or music, now, would make me gay; + Come, ANNA, let us have a little tune-- + There! thank the Lord, there's no more work to-day. + +FOUR P.M. + + What was it, ANNA? I was sound asleep; + I rather think I had the nightmare, too. + I feel half sick; cold chills around me creep. + Well, thank the Lord, Thanksgiving is all through! + + * * * * * + +A Pen and an Inkling. + +A certain HERR BISSENGER, of Pforzhelm, has presented BISMARCK with a +golden pen, set with jewels, with which to sign the treaty after the +capture of Paris. Foresight is well enough in its way; but if the treaty +which is to end this war is not a very different one from any BISMARCK +has yet suggested, penning his signature to it will be merely a +preliminary to his repentance for being so short-sighted as not to see +that Sedan, not Paris, was the place at which to make a lasting peace. + + * * * * * + +A Chance for Metaphysicians to be Useful. + +The German metaphysicians who have been so long bothering the world with +reports of their searches after the undiscoverable, should now exercise +whatever skill they have gained in this pursuit, in looking for signs of +republican protest in Germany against the growing tyranny of their +Prussian masters. Such a course would do their own country good, and, if +successful, would be most grateful to the rest of the world. + + * * * * * + +A Twist of the Cable. + +Telegrams per cable state that "VON DER TANN is retreating"--also that +"a Prussian bark has been blown up." + +Combining these two statements, we obtain an excellent quality of Tan +Bark, which may or may not be suggestive of further "Hidings" of the +Prussians by the French. + + * * * * * + +Grant-ed. + +Recent disclosures concerning the President's Cabinet would go to show +that this piece of administrative furniture is a cabinet with Drawers. + + * * * * * + +Bad for their Health. + +Travel is so impeded by the terrible state of affairs at present +existing in France, that the Prussians cannot take Tours. + + * * * * * + +New Occupation for the President. + +A display heading in the _World_ of November 18th has the following +astounding line:-- + +"GRANT cuts SCHURZ." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NONE THE BETTER FOR TOO MUCH NURSING. + +_Dr. W.G. Bryant._--"MR. KELLEY, THAT POOR CHILD PENNSYLVANIA HAS BEEN +FED TOO EXCLUSIVELY WITH PIG-IRON PAP. SUPPOSE YOU TRY SOME OF MY +FREE-TRADE MIXTURE, AND SEE IF THAT WON'T RESTORE IT TO HEALTH."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN SURPRISED. + +His Fellow-Citizens Present Him with a Silver Tea Service. + +When the Hon. BILL SOOWARD allers gets home from a voyige, the sitezens +of Auburn give him a warm recepshen. + +When Goyenor HOFFMAN visits the home of his childhood days, a +spontaneous bust of friendship throws her lovin embrace about him. + +When a few sundry other peeple, whose names shall be nameless in this +communication, have arroven to their long home on tother side of the +River Sticks, they will get a recepshen so warm, that, settin on top a +red hot koal stove and sokin their feet in a kittle full of b'iling +water, will be full as cheerin to 'em as a Mint Jewlip is to an +inhabitant of the Equinoxial line. + +Recepshens and presentashens bein the order of the day, I took it into +my head, a short time since, to have my feller sitizens of Skeansboro' +give me some of it. + +Consekently I hired 1/2 dozen of my nabors, whom I supposed wouldent +make turnal fools of their selves, to call at the Old Green manshon with +a crowd of peeple, at the hour when I was supposed to be to bed, for the +purpuss of presentin me with a silver tea sarvice, which our Joowiler +had lent me for the occasion. I writ up an impromptu speech, and +practiced it for over a week, out in my barn, so as to be reddy for the +cerprise. + +My 3 oldest darters had agreed to be dressed up in white, representen +the 3 graces--Faith, Hope, & Charity--and arrangin their selfs in a +tabloo in the back parler, they was to throw open the foldin doors at a +signal from me. I also tride to get my wife to rig up; says she: + +"Me rig up? No, sir! I wouldent encourage sich a lot of tom foolery to +save your consarned neck. And I know of a sartin Old Noosants who'l +ketch Hail Columbia if he musses up these ere parlers to freely." + +The noosants referred to was no doubt the undersined; I know it was. + +Mariar was allers full of pet names, and this was one of them. + +When she called me pet names, I dident stop to argue with her. It is no +use; shee'l allers have the last word, if she sets up all nite for a +week for it. You mite just as well try to make Bosting fokes think the +hul United States don't resolve around Masserchussetts Bay and Bosting +Common once every 24 times an hour, as to undertake to stop a womans +clack when she gets on a talkin fit. + +The appinted nite came, and I was standin behind the winder curten, +peekin out the upper hall winder, anxiusly awaitin the arrival of the +crowd. + +All of a sudden a percession, hove in site, headed by a drum and fife. +Their onsartin way of marchin, by gettin their legs mixed all up +together, made me think that by the time they got up to my house, the +painful duty would devolve on to me of goin down and getten their legs +ontangled. + +The fifer was continually mistakin his head for a drum stick, as he fell +over and let it strike vilently agin the sheep skin head of the base +drum. Whilst the drummer, hisself, was mistakin evry bodys head for his +musikle instrument, as he dealt out blows rite and left, to all who come +within hittin distance of his intossicated drum sticks. + +Arrivin before my domisil, the leeder sung out and says: + +"Now boys (hic!) let's rattle up bald head, (hic!) if old +2-and-ninepence don't (hic!) shell out with his 'freshments, we'll +(hic!) smash this 'ere borrered tea sarvice over his (hic!) figger +head." Sayin which he gives the door bell a yank, which was enuff to +pull the roof off from over our heads. + +Slippin on my red nite cap, I poked my head out of my winder, and in +fained cerprise, Bays to 'em: + +"My good peeple, what's the meanin of this demon-stration?" + +"A lot of fellers, who you hired to come and pay you a visit, has got +here. So come down and let us in, old hoss," says a voice. + +I went down stairs, with doubts in my mind as to the way the thing would +turn out. + +Unboltin the door, the assemblige filed in. A casual glance convinced me +that I was not receivin into the buzzum of my family manshon a +deputashun from the Skeensboro Lodge of Good Templers, for a skalier lot +of whiskey-soked human beins I never sot eyes on. + +There was JOB BIGLER, who useter leed the Skeensboro brick meetin house +quire, tryin to pick his teeth with the corner of a pictur-frame, while +standin before the lookin glass was WILLYAM DUNBAR vainly endevorin to +ascertain if he was the Siameese Twins, or else was the lookin-glass a +double-plated one. + +Old JIM SPENCER insisted on standin with his cow-hide butes on top the +mahogony senter table, for the purpuss of presentin me with the tea +sarvice, while his son-in-law had no sorter hesitation, whatsomever, of +planten his muddy feet into my wife's work basket, which was settin on a +stool in the sou'-west corner of the front room. Others had piled +theirselfs in heeps, in various parts of the room, presentin a picter +which JOHN B. GOFF could work up to sich an affectin pitch, that tears +could be got out of the eyes of a perfessional grave-digger. + +"SQUIRE GREEN, yer (hic!) feller sitisens, wishin to do the square thing +by you, hereby (hic!) take this opportunity of presentin you with this +(hic!) tea sarvice, which you hired down to GRIZ'LES jooliry (hic!) +store, for this momentous occassion. Take it and be 'appy. Now trot out +yer (hic!) benzeen," says SPENCER. At this pint I give the signle, and +the foldin doors was throde quickly open, revealin my 3 gals in a +classic tabloo. I then said: + +"Feller Sitizens: When I say I'me hily pleased at this onexpected +cerprise, I but reiterate the pent up feelins of an overflowin heart."-- + +"Oh, cork up on that ere spoutin, and sound yer supper bell," said JOE +BIGLER, interuptin me. I again went on. + +"As I casts my eyes about me, I see the smillen faces of my feller +sitizens, who have been tride and not found _wantin_--" + +"That's a lie! We are _wantin_ some vittles, with a little (hic!) +opedildock to wash her down. When you hired us to do this job, you +(hic!) 'greed to fill up," says a voice. + +I pertended as how I dident hear the raskle's insultin remarks, but I +was secretly itchin to be a silent spectator to his funeral, and see his +miserable carciss sunk down under about 6 foot of free sile. I +continnered; + +"You see before you, Faith, Hope & Charity, otherwise called the 3 +graces," said I, pintin to my darters, who looked as sheepish as if they +was jest let loose from a femail convenshun, or some other loonatick +asylum. + +"Yer cant cram that stuff down our gullets, no more'n I can stand on +this sugar bole without mashin it" said a vile youth, ceasin the sugar +bole from the silver tea sarvice and settin his foot onto it. "Them gals +haint no more faith in hoops and charity, than I have that the french +peeple can live under a Republican form of government." Said another +chap: "Oh, no, old GREEN, them tow-headed maidens is your darters, +JOHANNER, BETTY, and MARIAR, Jr." + +"Leed us to the bankett halls," says some one else. + +"Come, do as yer (hic!) 'greed, and give us some pirotecknicks," some one +else yelled; at this juncture all was hollerin vociferously for vittles +and whiskey. + +I assure you, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, it was very _affectin_. + +In fact, I don't believe there was a _dry mouth_ in the crowd. + +"I blush for every drunken soul of you," said I, wishing to get rid if +em; "and I want you to understand this meetin is adjourned to sober +off." + +I noticed that the 3 graces had left the room, while the assemblage was +vainly endeavorin to git hold of the silver tea sarvice. + +Suddenly the back parler door was busted open, and Mrs. GREEN and my 3 +gals rushed in with pans of hot water and broomsticks, and if ever I +enjoyed seein a lot of people baptized, it was that ere crowd, who was a +yellin "bloody murder," as the hot water made their hides curl up. + +"Go It, My Sweet Dears," Said I, "Peel Off Their Skins, And You Shall +All Have A Bran New Caliker Apiece To-Morrer Mornin." + +Well, sir, in quicker time than I can write this, the house was cleared +and the front door locked agin em; but my troubles had only just +commenced, for I had, figerately speakin, jumped from the fryin pan into +the fire. + +"HIRAM GREEN," said MARIAR, backin me up into a corner, "you old sinner, +you, look at that senter table, all scratched up with heels of a pair of +drunken cow-hide butes. Look at my work basket; it looks as if a +percession of hogs had been marchin into it.--See that nice rag carpet +which took me over 6 months to make; what is it? eh! it's covered with +old tabacker cuds, mud, segar stumps, broken whiskey bottles, and dish +water. Haint you a sweet venerable head of a family? Haint you a saperb +copy bound in calf, of ex-legal jewrisprudence? + +"Presented you with a tea sarvice, did they? Oh! yool be the ruination +of this family with your confounded efforts seekin arter fame. +You--you--" + +I dident wait to hear no more, but left the house with my feelins in a +hily mixed up state. I have made up my mind to one thing, that if I ever +get up another cerprise, I will hire good moral men, sich as editors, +noosepaper men, and literary folks ginerally, whose conducts is above +suspishon, to conduct the preceedins. + +When this you spy, +Remember HI, + +Ewers, truly, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BABY'S PHOTOGRAPH.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SONG OF THE OYSTER. + +"PUT ME IN MY LITTLE BED."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +An Exciting Interview with King William.--"Seeing" Thiers and Going him +Better.--The Influence of Monkeys In Diplomacy. + +VERSAILLES, EIGHTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +"I don't believe a word of it," said the King, with an impatient stamp +of the foot and a deprecatory wave of the hand--"not a word of it." + +You see, dear PUNCHINELLO, the situation was thus: I had undertaken, not +indeed without grave misgivings, to propitiate his Majesty, after the +failure of the THIERS-BISMARCK negotiations, and, if possible, procure +such terms as would save Parisians from the galling necessity of +immolating the monkeys of the _Jardin des Plantes_ to the popular demand +for something to eat. I thought, as an American citizen and your +correspondent, my propositions _might_ have some chance of being +favorably entertained, especially as I knew that the English Minister's +presents of Stilton cheese and many dozens of BASS' bottled ale to +BISMARCK had failed to prevent the current of the Chancellor's prejudice +from running strongly in favor of Americans. Thus morally armed, and +bearing in my pocket a _passe-partout_ from Prussian Headquarters, I +approached Versailles on the second evening after the departure of M. +THIERS, and found the King occupying the apartment in the central +pavilion of the palace, which had once been the sleeping-chamber of +Louis XVI. and his unhappy spouse MARIE ANTOINETTE. Many alterations had +taken place since I was last there and saw the wretched Queen from the +balcony endeavoring to assuage the fierce mob that surged beneath. The +room was not like the room in which I once helped Louis to pull off his +boots, and the delicate perfume that usually pervades the apartments of +French royalty had succumbed to the amalgamated odors of _Schweitzer +Kase_ and _Saur Kraut_. + +"It is apparent, sire," said I to WILLIAM, who was sitting there "that +Count BISMARCK has wholly misunderstood the situation in Paris." + +"Not a bit of it," said the King; "don't I know well enough they've got +down to two ounces a day for each man, and horse meat at that? + +"You forget, sire, their vast supply of asses." + +"Do I, indeed? when they've done nothing but develop an unlimited number +of them ever since the war began." + +I had an idea then that his majesty must have meant this for sarcasm +though my own experience told me that it was only too true; and it also +occurred to me that I was not in my true station as the representative +of a government of "asses." Nothing but a stern sense of duty prevented +me from clearing out at once under this last harrowing reflection. +Accordingly, I returned to the charge with diminished vigor, assuring +the King that if his army kept on blockading Paris in this cruel sort of +way, the population would soon be dying by thousands. It was very +strange why he wouldn't draw off his troops. What did _he_ want with +Paris? What had Paris done to _him_? Weren't there plenty of other +cities in this world that didn't care a cent how much he bombarded them? +(I began to think that possibly I might be growing childish in my method +of stating the case, but it was only a momentary weakness that made me +think so.) Where was Tyre? Let him go and bombard Tyre. Nobody cares for +Tyre now. Where was Sidon? If he wanted to throw away his ammunition, +let him "go" for Sidon. Where was Tuckahoo, New Jersey? Would New York +care if Tuckahoo was reduced to the level of its original swamp? +Moreover, there were lots of cities away off in China, yearning to have +the rays of modern civilization let into them. Would it be anything out +of his way to travel in that direction with a few big KRUPP guns, and +give civilization a fair opening to get in at? Wasn't it cowardly to be +punching all the time at one poor, miserable little town like Paris, +that ain't big enough to help itself, and wouldn't have done the same by +him no matter if it got ever so many high old chances? "Think of it, oh! +think of it, my royal brother," I said, laying a hand on each of his +royal shoulders. He took my hands off, and told BISMARCK to bring him a +wisp-broom. It was a cruel insult, but I stood unmoved in the midst of +it. "Perhaps at some future hour and place, Your Majesty, we may meet +under different circumstances." That was a proposition he exhibited no +disposition to deny. At this juncture a courier arrived from the front, +breathless with excitement, and speechless too. The King seized him by +the back of the neck and shook him violently, but the poor fellow +couldn't articulate a word, I suggested that cold keys be put down his +back, and his feet thrust into the fire. That brought him to so fast +that I got behind an arm-chair for protection. In a few seconds he +gathered voice enough to say: + +"S-S-Sire, P-P-P-Paris is e-eatin' u-u-up the m-m-mon-monkeys." + +Fatal news! It was all up with my museum. + +Paris reduced to monkeys, and no treaty signed! + +Horrible catastrophe! + +I offered myself to Satan for a good lie--anything, I didn't care what, +to clinch matters, and bring the King to terms. The Old Boy served me. + +"Your Majesty, I forebore to tell you the worst; but it can be kept back +no longer. You must fly from here; fly from Paris. Your worthy queen, +the great, the good, the patriotic AUGUSTA, is now lying at the point +of--" + +"Liar!" shouted the King, as he seized a boot-jack from the hands of +BISMARCK and hurled it at me with all his strength. I burst the back of +my coat dodging the missile, which did not, however, interrupt the rapid +utterance of my dreadful communication. + +"Spare one moment more to hear what I have just received by telegraph +from Berlin, which is to say that your grandmother--" + +"I never had a grandmother!" roared the King, upon the verge of madness, +as the Crown Prince, at the head of six Army Corps surrounded the +building and captured me without firing a shot. + +P.S.--It is scarcely necessary in my present exhausted state to say that +my liberation is once more entirely due to the intercession of that man +of all men, the defender of injured innocence, and the champion of all +unfortunates, the most honorable Mr. WASHBURNE, American Minister, &c. +He told them that he had known me from boyhood; that my father died in +the lunatic asylum, and dying, bequeathed his intellectual +characteristics to his son, which was all he had to bequeath. The King +said it was more than likely, and so I got off. + +DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +Wonderful Sagacity. + +Newspapers mention that an Irish crow has lately arrived as a passenger +on board the steamship _Colorado._ It is stated that the bird has +positively declined to quit the ship, and the inference is that its +unwillingness to do so arises from fear lest it might be mistaken for a +Thanksgiving Turkey. + + * * * * * + +A Wintry Reflection. + +The only Weather Profits that never fail are the gains of the coal +dealers. + + * * * * * + +Nautical. + +When does a ship display a propensity for climbing? + +When she runs up her flag. + + + * * * * * + THE PLAYS AND SHOWS + +Latest of Mr. BOUCICAULT'S mixtures is another Irish dramatic stew. He +calls it the _Rapparee_, and it contains the usual proportion of fire, +patriots, whiskey, traitors, pretty girls, and red-coat officers. It has +a Tragic Heroine and a Cheerful Heroine, a French Officer who speaks +with an Irish brogue, and a Dutch General who speaks the Fechterian +dialect. It has FRANK MAYO in picturesque attitudes on the stage, and +HARRY PALMER in gorgeous vestments in the lobby. But here it is--as long +as the original and nearly as tedious. Read it and decide for yourselves +whether this sort of thing is worthy of the clever mechanic who +constructed _Arrah-na-Pogue_? + +THE RAPPAREE. ACT I. + +SCENE I.--_A retired spot in the public highway. [Enter an army of +fifteen Irish patriots, armed with pikes of great scythes.]_ + +1st PATRIOT.--"Hurroo for KING JAMES, we'll dhrive the Orange-men into +the say. Here comes O'MALLEY, and the FRINCH OFFICIR. May they niver +want a bottle, or a frind to stale it from." _[Enter O'Malley and +Duquesne,]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"All is lost. ULICK has betrayed us." + +DUQUESNE.--"All is lost. ULICK has followed the national custom." + +PATRIOTS.--"All is lost. Hurroo. What'll we do now, boys?" + +O'MALLEY.--"Come with me to France. We'll fight somebody there." + +PATRIOTS.--"We will go this minute." _[They go. Enter Tragic Heroine.]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"Can I belave the eyes of me. Is it you, darlint, or some +other ghost?" + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"'Tis I. Fly, O'MALLEY. ULICK insists upon marrying me, +and hanging you." + +O'MALLEY.--"I will fly to-morrow night, and you shall fly with me. I +would go this minute, were it not that Mr. BOUCICAULT'S play would be +spoiled if I did not stay long enough to get into difficulties. I will +hide in the cellar of my ruined castle, and will give ULICK the worst +'hiding' he ever had if I have a convenient chance at him." + +SCENE II--_The front parlor in O'Hara's castle. Enter the Dutch General +and O'Hara._ + +DUTCH GENERAL.--"O'HARA, I dinks you pe ein repel. ULICK is searging +your bapers. If he finds something you shall be hanged." _[Enter +Ulick.]_ + +ULICK.--"I have searched O'HARA's trunk, and the drawer where he keeps +his other stocking. I have found nothing." + +DUTCH GENERAL.--"I still pelieve him a traitor, but I gannot brove it." +_[Exit.]_ + +ULICK.--"O'HARA, listen. I have lied. I hold here in my left coat-tail +pocket the proofs of your treachery. Give me your daughter and help me +hang O'MALLEY, or I will ruin you." + +O'HARA.--"I am in your power. Do as you please." _[Enter Tragic +Heroine.]_ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"Never. ULICK shall neither marry me nor hang +O'MALLEY." + +ULICK.--"Young woman, I will lock you in this room for a year or two, +until O'MALLEY is thoroughly hung. Come, O'HARA." _[Exeunt.]_ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"I must escape and warn O'MALLEY. But how? I have it. I +can leap out of the window into the sea: I can then swim in full +ball-dress to O'MALLEY'S castle, which is only twenty leagues from here. +I will warn him, and fly with him. Courage. I will remove my back-hair +and make the hazardous leap." _[She leaps.]_ + +SCENE III.--_The vaults below O'Malley's castle. Enter Dutch General, +O'Hara, Ulick, and the "Doctor," a rebel prisoner._ + +DOCTOR.--"I brought you here to show you O'MALLEY'S hiding-place. Now +I've got you. The tide rose the moment we entered, and cut off your +retreat; we'll all be drowned like rats in a hole. Hurroo." _[O'Malley +descends into the vaults by an iron door.]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"Come up-stairs out of the wet. We'll have some whiskey." +_[They come up.]_ + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.--_O'Malley's ancestral back-garret. Enter Tragic Heroine in +ball-dress, having swum across the bay._ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"Ha! also Ho! I am a little out of breath. I think I +had better faint." _(Faints.) [Enter O'Malley and his rescued enemies.]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"Sit down, while I go for the whiskey." _[He goes.]_ + +O'HARA.--"What do I see? My daughter! Take her up-stairs before O'MALLEY +returns." _(They take her up.) [Re-enter O'Malley.]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"Gentlemen, here is the whiskey. It is Gen. GRANT'S favorite +brand, and you'll find it all right." _[To his servant]_ "CONNER, these +men mean to arrest me. Go and set fire to the castle." _[Connor goes, +and O'Malley, locking the door, throws the key out of the window.]_ + +EVERYBODY.--"What do you mean by throwing away the key? Do you mean to +surround us, and, making us prisoners, drink up the whiskey yourself?" + +O'MALLEY,--"'Tis a custom of our house, intended originally to give +employment to meritorious locksmiths on the eve of election. Listen +while I tell you how one of my ancestors played a nice little trick on +some officers who had come to arrest him for shooting his landlord. He +locked them up as I have locked you up. He then ordered his servant to +set the castle on fire as I have just done, and was baked with them as +we are about to be baked." + +DUTCH GENERAL.--"Donner und blitzen!" + +EVERYBODY ELSE.--"Tare an ounds!" + +TRAGIC HEROINE, _[in the loft above]_.--"S c r r r e e e c h." + +O'MALLEY.--"Heavings! That shriek. 'Tis my Grace! TRAGIC DARLING, I come +to die with you." _[Rushes up the chimney, while the Dutch General, +blowing off the lock off the door with his pistol, escapes together with +his friends. The Castle is carefully taken to pieces in sections by the +stage carpenters, while torches are flashed at intervals. Finally a +Roman candle is set off, and the O'Malley Castle falls a prey to a +carefully managed conflagration.--Curtain.]_ + +ACT III. + +SCENE I.--_A quiet place in midst of the turnpike. Enter Cheerful +Heroine and French Officer._ + +FRENCH OFFICER.--"Fly with me at once." + +CHEERFUL HEROINE.--"Why on earth should I fly? I have never seen you but +once." + +FRENCH OFFICER.--"'Tis true; but you'll have to settle that with +BOUCICAULT. I'm sure I don't want you to fly, especially with no +property but a low-necked dress and short sleeves; but BOUCICAULT has +arranged it to suit himself." + +CHEERFUL HEROINE--"In that case I will fly." _[Enter the_ DOCTOR _and a +band of patriots.]_ + +DOCTOR.--"O'MALLEY is a prisoner in the fort. We are going to have him +out, dead or alive." + +FRENCH OFFICER.--"These are the counsels of madness. Why don't you get +an injunction, or something of that kind, and so get him out peaceably." + +DOCTOR.--"It's too late. Besides, Mr. BOUCICAULT wants to end the play +with a fight." + +CHEERFUL HEROINE.--"I will manage it all. I will let down a rope from +the fort. You shall all be drawn up and rescue O'MALLEY. Nothing could +be more simple. Come and be drawn up." _[They come.]_ + +SCENE. II.--_Interior of the O'Malley's cell. Enter Tragic Heroine._ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"'Tis he!'tis he! Though how he managed to change his +clothes and put on such a nice coat, I can't imagine. Dearest, awake!" + +O'MALLEY.--"Who calls? Is it the boy with the beer? Ha! my own darling. +Come to this embroidered waistcoat." + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"I have agreed to marry ULICK on condition he permits +you to escape." + +O'MALLEY.--"Ha! base girl. Would ye onconvenience yourself to save me? +Never! I will not consent to your marrying ULICK. Try some other little +game, darlint" + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"I will." _[Exit.]_ + +SCENE III.--_The castle moat. O'Malley in the ditch standing in a +picturesque attitude. The Dutch General stands on the summit of a wall +three feet high, and leaning over the battlements--which tower to the +height of three inches--hands O'Malley a pardon. Enter Tragic Heroine +and everybody else._ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"O'MALLEY. I have saved you. Now save me. I have just +married ULICK. Kill him for me." + +ULICK _and_ O'MALLEY _accordingly slash each other across the legs with +their rapiers._ O'MALLEY _kills_ ULICK _and embraces the TRAGIC HEROINE. +Everybody shouts "Hurroo!" and the curtain falls._ + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EFFECT OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION UPON CERTAIN +PARTIES INTERESTED.] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG'S PANORAMA. + +PART II. + +THE ALPS. + +These mountains, which are permanently located in Switzerland, and +favorably mentioned in all the geographies, are justly admired by +tourists for their grandeur, natural beauty, and good hotel +accommodations. + +This is a view at sunrise, by one of the early painters. Everything is +up, but Mont Blanc is up more than his neighbors. The whole landscape is +bathed in the golden glories of the orb of day. A bath in the morning is +invigorating indeed. + +These Peaks are clustered around in silent majesty. It looks as though +the entire PEAK family had come here and settled. These snow-capped +summits, wild ravines, mountain torrents, and the series of crags which +WILLIAM TELL was in the habit of addressing, are truly soul-inspiring. + +Here is a guide with his party. These guides are well-trained men, who +never bolt, but always go with their party--the ultramontane. They are +of high birth, and descended from the best Alpen Stock. + +No one should pass the season in Switzerland without seeing these +mountains. They will repay a perusal. + +While the prices may not be extravagant enough for Americans, still, +those who have scaled these noble elevations may well account the +prospect as one of the most striking features of a foreign climb. + +A SCENE IN THE TROPICS. + +This gorgeous painting brings before you all the luxuriance of tropical +vegetation. Magnolias and palm trees wave their heads proudly, while +bananas, oranges, and bread fruit abound in rank profusion. Here the +cane brake stretches away as far as the eye can reach (and to those who +are not near-sighted still farther), recalling those beautiful lines of +the poet:-- + + "Break, break, break!" + +The broad river in the foreground, mountains melting away on the horizon +(that's because they're volcanic), and the sun broiling and sizzling +high up in the heavens, are deliciously blended together. Our artist, +full of perspiration (he can blend better than any man we ever ployed), +has seized upon a moment when all Nature seems to say: ("Steady there, +what makes that canvas wriggle so?") + +Notice the warmth of coloring; and see to what a high degree of art the +general effect is carried-about 90° Fahrenheit in the shade. This +picturesque object is an alligator basking in the sun. Our advice to +inexperienced travellers is: "Let him bask!" + +These cotton fields, rice plantations, and the colored member of +Congress addressing his constituents on the right, all stamp this scene +as unmistakably Southern. + +We will cancel the stamp and move on. + +In our next we shall find that our artist has given himself more +latitude, say about eighty degrees North. + +WINTER IN SPITSBERGEN. + +Behold these regions of eternal ice and snow--miles upon miles of frozen +real estate. There is a great ice monopoly here. All, all is blank; +except the ship over in this corner. She is a prize. This is the place +to buy thermometers; you'll generally find them going very low. The +weather in this region is mostly day and night, but rather irregularly +divided between the two. + +You see these people with rough beards and red shirts, looking like New +York firemen? You take one to be MOSE? You are right--they are +Esquimaux. They are a tough, and hardy race. Though not precisely +students, they yet consume the midnight oil--chiefly as a beverage. + +This great work is the combined production of thirteen artists; twelve +of them, perishing in the attempt, were handsomely buried at our +expense; and the survivor is now keeping a bar, for his own consumption, +at St. Paul, Minnesota. He was compelled to lay aside the brush, which +accounts for the water in this corner not being frozen, as the contract +stipulated. But this allows the ship to which I referred to float +comfortably. + +These small buildings are settlements. They are not so frequent here as +in New York or Chicago, where business men inform me they occur about as +often as--once in two years. + +"Ice cream for sale," on this sign, has a flavor of civilization in it. + +Woman does not go to the poles here, although one of them is only a few +miles distant in a northerly direction, with excellent sleighing. + +I would make a passing allusion to this figure, introduced by artist +number nine, to please the young people. It represents a Spitsbergen +lover. He is clad in fur, and has a catarrh. He is just now oh his +sneeze, warbling hoarsely: "Rein deer in this bosom!" + +_(Sentimental strains from the melodeon.)_ + +THE GRAND CANAL. + +This is not the Erie Canal, but the Grand Canal of Venice. It does not +own so many mules, or forward so much corn and flour, as the New York +concern, but is more airy and picturesque. It is surrounded by palaces; +but what is a palace without a mother? + +These swan-like men-of-war are gondolas. Our skipper is called a +gondolier. Every other skipper is called something worse than that if he +gets in our skipper's way. I respect a man's calling; that is, if he +follows it up energetically. + +The Rialto, with its busy throngs. + +The Bridge of Sighs, where Lord Byron is said to have stood on either +hand. + +A group of native beggars. This man is blind. With this Venetian blind +we beg leave to close this scene. + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +The Flesh-pots or Paris. + +A late newspaper item states as follows:-- + +"The Archbishop of Paris has given permission to use horse-flesh on fast +days." + +It is lucky for Mr. BONNER'S crack horses, then, that they are not +stabled in Paris just now, since they are all considered first-rate for +Fast days. + + * * * * * + +"SOAP"-STONES.--Wall street "rocks." + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE NOW OFFERING | + | | + | SHAWL SUITS, | + | | + | ALPACA AND WINCEY SUITS | + | IN ALL COLORS, | + | $8; FORMERLY $12. | + | | + | POPLIN SUITS IN ALL COLORS, | + | $15 EACH AND UPWARDS. | + | | + | BLACK SILK SUITS, | + | $50 EACH AND UPWARDS. | + | | + | An Elegant Assortment of | + | FRENCH AND IRISH POPLIN SUITS, | + | | + | IN EVERY VARIETY, | + | AT POPULAR PRICES. | + | | + | SPECIAL ATTENTION IS PAID TO | + | MOURNING ORDERS. | + | | + | CHOICE STYLES IN | + | BOMBAZINES, BLACK EMPRESS, | + | PARIS CLOTH and | + | CASHMERE SUITS | + | CONSTANTLY ON HAND. | + | | + | BROADWAY, fourth Ave., | + | | + | 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE ON HAND | + | | + | A MOST MAGNIFICENT ASSORTMENT OF | + | REAL LACE GOODS, | + | | + | CONSISTING OF | + | | + | POINTE LACE COLLARS, SETTS, HANDKERCHIEFS, | + | BARBES, COIFFURES, | + | CAPES, PELLERINES, JACKETS | + | AND SHAWLS. | + | | + | -ALSO- | + | | + | A SUPERB LINE OF | + | REAL BLACK THREAD | + | LACE SHAWLS, | + | JACKETS AND CAPES, | + | BLACK THREAD, BLACK GUIPURE, | + | POINTE GAZE, POINTE APPLIQUE | + | AND VALENCIENNES | + | | + | TRIMMING LACES, | + | FORMING THE | + | LARGEST ASSORTMENT | + | EVER OFFERED | + | IN THIS COUNTRY. | + | | + | These Goods having been purchased at PANIC | + | PRICES in Europe, will be offered, in many | + | instances, | + | | + | Fifty Per Cent. Below Former Cost, | + | | + | BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., | + | | + | 9th and 10th streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | VELVETS, PLUSHES, | + | Velveteens, Etc. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE RECEIVING | + | | + | BY EACH AND EVERY STEAMER, | + | | + | A FULL SUPPLY OF CHOICE | + | COLORS | + | | + | OF THE ABOVE-NAMED GOODS, | + | | + | FORMING THE LARGEST ASSORTMENT | + | EVER EXHIBITED IN THIS CITY, | + | | + | WHICH THEY OFFER AT RETAIL AND TO THE | + | TRADE, | + | | + | AT EXTREMELY | + | | + | ATTRACTIVE PRICES, | + | | + | BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., | + | 9th and 10th Sts. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) . . $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) . . . 2.00 | + | " " three months, . . . . . . . . . . . 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 | + | | + | | + | "We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for. . . . . . $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | _Wild Roses._ 12-1/8 x 9. | + | | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/5 x 10-1/4--for. . . . . . . . . $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. | + | Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 | + | | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; | + | The Unconscious Sleeper; | + | The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4 | + | | + | Spring; Summer; Autumn 12-1/8 x 16-1/2. | + | | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for . . . . . . $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4 | + | | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for . $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and | + | | + | Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, | + | price $9.00--for . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-1/8 | + | | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromes.) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: EXERCISE IS A GOOD THING FOR BOYS; BUT IT IS RATHER "TOO +MUCH OF A GOOD THING" WHEN PUSHED TO THE EXTENT OF MAKING YOUR +ENTRANCE-GATE A JUDGE'S STAND FOR A FOOT-RACE BETWEEN BOYS.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | AND | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of | + | PRINTING, | + | Furnish all kinds of | + | STATIONERY, | + | Make all kinds of | + | BLANK BOOKS, | + | Execute the finest styles of | + | LITHOGRAPHY | + | Makes the Best and Cheapest | + | ENVELOPES | + | Ever offered to the Public. | + | | + | They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | + |States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have | + | INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the | + | most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West | + | Should bear in mind that the | + | ERIE RAILWAY | + | IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, | + | with all Lines | + | By Rail or River | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, | + | ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express Trains, | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE; revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and pleasures | + | of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | | + | PRICE $2. 50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PROFESSOR JAMES DE MILLE, | + | | + | Author of | + | | + | "THE DODGE CLUB ABROAD" | + | AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS, | + | | + | Will Commence a New Serial | + | | + | IN THE NUMBER OF | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | FOR | + | | + | January 7th, 1871, | + | | + | Written expressly for this paper. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FREEMAN & BURR'S | + | CLOTHING WAREHOUSES. | + | | + | 138 & 140 | + | FULTON STREET, | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | FREEMAN & BURR'S Stock is of unparalleled extent and | + | variety. It embraces Suits, Overcoats, and Clothing of every | + | description, for all ages, and all classes and occasions. | + | | + | ORDERS BY LETTER.--The easy and accurate system for | + | SELF-MEASURE, introduced by FREEMAN & BURR, enables parties | + | in any part of the country to order CLOTHING direct from | + | them, with the certainty of receiving the most PERFECT FIT | + | attainable. | + | | + | RULES FOR SELF-MEASURE, Samples of Goods, Price-list, and | + | Fashion Sheet, sent FREE on application. | + | | + | Overcoats, $6. Winter Suits, $12. | + | Overcoats, $8. Winter Suits, $15. | + | Overcoats, $10. Winter Suits, $20. | + | Overcoats, $15. Winter Suits, $30. | + | Overcoats, $20. Winter Suits, $40. | + | Overcoats, $25. Winter Suits, $50. | + | Overcoats, $30. Boys' Suits, $6. | + | Overcoats, $35. Boys' Suits, $8. | + | Overcoats, $40. Boys' Suits, $12. | + | Overcoats, $45. Boys' Suits, $18. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A CHRISTMAS STORY, | + | | + | Written expressly for this Paper, | + | | + | By FRANK R. STOCKTON, | + | | + | Author of "Ting-a-ling," etc., etc., | + | | + | WILL BE COMMENCED IN No. 38, FOR DECEMBER 17TH, AND | + | CONCLUDED IN THREE NUMBERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 36, December +3, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 36 *** + +***** This file should be named 10292-8.txt or 10292-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/9/10292/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 36, December 3, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 26, 2003 [EBook #10292] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 36 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S<br> + </p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PATENT BINDERS</big></p> + <p>FOR</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO,"</big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar, by</p> + <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <b>Lettered & Stamped,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </b> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <b>83 Nassau Street.</b> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img src="images/147.jpg" alt=""><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. II. No. 36.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large and +small.<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp,<br> + <b>L. 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Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">APPLICATIONS +FOR ADVERTISING IN<br> + <br> + </small> <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"<br> + <br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">SHOULD +BE ADDRESSED TO<br> + <br> + </small> JOHN NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p><b>No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y.</b></p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p><big><b>FACTS FOR THE LADIES.</b></big></p> + <p><small>I have a Wheeler & Wilson machine (No. 289), bought +of Mr. Gardner in 1853, he having used it a year. I have used it +constantly, in shirt manufacturing as well as family sewing, sixteen +years. My wife ran it four years, and earned between $700 and $800, +besides doing her housework. I have never expended fifty cents on it +for repairs. It is, to-day, in the best of order, stitching fine linen +bosoms nicely. I started manufacturing shirts with this machine, and +now have over one hundred of them in use. I have paid at least $3,000 +for the stitching done by this old machine, and it will do as much now +as any machine I have.</small></p> + <p>W.F. TAYLOR.</p> + <p>BERLIN, N.Y.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NEW YORK</p> + <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>DAILY DEMOCRAT,</big></big></p> + <p><i><br> +AN EVENING PAPER.<br> + </i></p> + <p><i><br> + </i></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">JAMES H. 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SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN,<br> + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The only Journal of its kind in +America!!</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST:</big></p> + <p><b>A MONTHLY JOURNAL</b><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <small>THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY.</small></p> + <p><small>DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS.</small></p> + <p><small>EDITED BY<br> +Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler.</small></p> + <p><small>The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, +having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American +reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of +the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which +shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, +experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country.</small></p> + <p><small>The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the +reception of original articles from any part of the country, subject to +approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any points of interest +within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention.</small></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST</b></p> + <p>Is a Journal of especial interest to</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO +COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, +PHOTOGRAPHERS, MANUFACTURERS,</p> + <p>And all concerned in scientific pursuits.</p> + <p><b>Subscription, $5.00 per annum,<br> +in advance; 50 cts. per number.<br> +Specimen copies, 25 cts.</b></p> + <p>Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO.,<br> +Publishers and Proprieters<br> +424 Broome Street, New York</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>MAN AND WIVES.</b></p> + <p>A TRAVESTY.</p> + <p>By MOSE SKINNER.</p> + <p>CHAPTER SECOND.</p> + <p>LOVE.</p> + <p>The Hon. MICHAEL LADLE and ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP were interrupted +in their conversation by BELINDA, who sent off the former under +pretence that the croquet players were waiting for him, or, as she +expressed it, it was "his turn to mallet."</p> + <p>As soon as he was fairly out of sight, she turned to +ARCHIBALD, and said; "Come with me."</p> + <p>"What for?" said ARCHIBALD, as she seized him by the arm and +hurried him into the shrubbery. "Recollect," he added, "that I am an +orphan, with a constitution never robust."</p> + <p>She made no reply till they were screened from observation.</p> + <p>"You needn't be afraid, you little fool," she said. "Sit down +on that stump."</p> + <p>ARCHIBALD tremblingly obeyed her.</p> + <p>She imprisoned his fluttering hand in hers, and smoothed his +hair reassuringly.</p> + <p>"ARCHIE," she murmured; "<i>dear</i> ARCHIE."</p> + <p>"Oh, don't, <i>don't</i> talk that way," said ARCHIBALD. "You +make me afraid of you."</p> + <p>"Afraid!" she returned. "And of <i>me</i>? Oh cruel, cruel +ARCHIBALD. Is it for this that I have passed many a sleepless night, +awaking unrefreshed with haggard orbs? Is it for this that I've pined +away and refused meat victuals?"</p> + <p>She paused. Her heart was beating violently. She took from her +pocket a copy of the <i>Ledger</i>, adjusted her eye-glasses, and +continued:</p> + <p>"ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP, for weeks I have basked in the sunlight +of your existence. Your celestial smile, shedding a tranquil calm o'er +my perturbed spirit, has been my daily sustenance. Your ethereal form, +beautiful as an houri, has, with its subtle fascination, enthralled and +steeped in bliss my innermost soul, lifting me as it were into a purer, +a holier existence. Your—"</p> + <p>"Oh-h," moaned the wretched ARCHIBALD, "<i>please</i> stop. +That's COBB, Jr. I <i>know</i> it is. When I was sea-sick on the +canal, they read a chapter to me just like that, instead of giving me +an emetic, and I was out of my head all next day."</p> + <p>"But you <i>do</i> love me, don't you, ARCHIBALD?—just a very +small fragment, you know."</p> + <p>She seized him by the ear and kissed him twice.</p> + <p>"Come, own up now," said she, "that from the first moment you +saw me, you have felt a sort of a spooney hankering, and a general +looseness, including a desire to write poetry and use hair-oil, and +wear pretty neckties; a sort of a feeling that your clothes don't fit +you, and you can't bear the sight of gravy, and dote on lavender kids, +and want to part your hair in the middle. <i>That's</i> being in love, +ARCHIE. That's—"</p> + <p>At this juncture voices were heard calling for ARCHIBALD.</p> + <p>"Oh, do, <i>do</i> let me go," he pleaded.</p> + <p>BELINDA grasped him firmly by the collar. "Heaven knows," said +she impressively, "that I have wooed you thus far in a spirit of the +most delicate consideration. Now, I mean business, I want a husband, +and by the Sixteenth Amendment, you don't stir from this spot, until +you promise to marry me!"</p> + <p>"But—but—I don't want to get married," said ARCHIBALD; +"I—I—ain't old enough."</p> + <p>She glared at him menacingly.</p> + <p>"Am I to understand then," she shrieked, "that you dare refuse +me?" And she laughed hysterically.</p> + <p>"Oh, no, no. I wouldn't. Of course I wouldn't," groaned the +ghastly youth. "I'll promise <i>anything</i>, if you'll only let me +go."</p> + <br> + <p>Thus it was, mid the hushed repose of that lovely June +twilight, while all Nature seemed to pronounce a sweet benediction, +that these loving hearts commingled. The soft hum of the June-bug +seemed to have a sweeter sound, and the little fly walked unmolested +across their foreheads, for they were betrothed.</p> + <br> + <p>CHAPTER THIRD.</p> + <p>WHERE THE WOODBINE TWINETH.</p> + <p>Notwithstanding the thrilling events enacted near by, that +modest production of Nature, the woodbine, still continued to twine in +all its pristine virginity. And meanwhile, JEFFRY MAULBOY is at the +appointed rendezvous, waiting for ANN BRUMMET.</p> + <p>She comes.</p> + <p>But why that glazed expression, and that convulsive twitching +of the lips?</p> + <p>She is chewing gum.</p> + <p>"Hilloa, JEFF," said she. "Mean thing. Been here a whole day, +and not a single word about my new overskirt. How does it hang behind?"</p> + <p>What reply does this cruel, this heartless man make?</p> + <p>He took a chew of tobacco, and said:</p> + <p>"Oh, bother your overskirt. Is that the 'something very +particular' you wanted to see me for?"</p> + <p>"Oh no," she replied; "I forgot." She looked cautiously round, +and added:</p> + <p>"Say, JEFF, folks are talking about us awfully."</p> + <p>"Let 'em talk," was the rejoinder.</p> + <p>"Oh, yes," she replied. "Of course <i>you</i> don't care. The +more a man is talked about the better he likes it, and the more he's +thought of. But it's death to a woman."</p> + <p>"Well, I don't care any way," said JEFFRY.</p> + <p>"Yes you do care too," she replied. S'posen it should get to +the ears of that rich widow you're engaged to. 'Twould be all up with +you <i>there</i>, sure, JEFF. She ain't burdened with principle, the +Lord knows, but she's got jealousy enough to break the match short off, +and kill you besides, if she hears of it.</p> + <p>"And she'll hear of it anyhow, if they keep up their infernal +clack," said he fiercely. "I'd like to choke the whole confounded pack."</p> + <p>"The talk would all die out," said ANN slowly, "if I should go +away."</p> + <p>"Any fool can see that," replied he. "What do you mean?"</p> + <p>"I've been thinking of going," she continued, "for six months. +I'm a poor relation, and Mrs. LADLE hates me. And as for BELINDA, she +has so many good clothes, I can't take any comfort seeing her round."</p> + <p>"Where to?" inquired JEFFRY incredulously.</p> + <p>"Oh, anywhere," she replied. "I can dance a jig, you know. +I'll go to New York, and let myself as the 'Eminent and Graceful Queen +of Terpsichore, imported from Paris at a cost of Forty Thousand Dollars +in Gold.' And then I'll make a tour of the New England States. Or I'll +learn to play the banjo and get off slang phrases, and then I'll appear +as 'The Beautiful and Gifted Artist, ANNETTA BRUMMETTA, who has, by her +guileless vivacity, charmed our most Fashionable Circles.' Or I'll go +as Assistant Teacher in a Select Boarding School for Young Ladies. I +ain't proud, you know."</p> + <p>JEFFRY grinned. "Let me advise you," said he, "to go right off +to-morrow. I'll help you pack your trunk inside of an hour, if you say +so."</p> + <p>"That ain't the point," she retorted sharply. "I ain't got rid +of so easily as <i>that</i>, I tell you."</p> + <p>"What do you mean by that?" he inquired, with a scowl.</p> + <p>"I mean just this," she returned. "I won't go at all if you +don't do what's right by me. If you'll agree to my terms I'll go, and +not without."</p> + <p>"Your <i>terms</i>!" said he, with a sneer. "Well, that <i>is</i> +a go. What may your 'terms' be?" he continued, derisively.</p> + <p>"Marriage," replied she; "private if you say so, and a +remittance of fifty dollars a month for six months."</p> + <p>He laughed in her face. "Marry <i>you</i>? Well, I guess +not," said he. "Do you take me for an idiot?"</p> + <p>"You ain't obliged to stick by it," she continued. "We're in +Indiana, ain't we? We'll take a minister and a lawyer along with us. +While the minister is marrying us, the lawyer can be at work on the +divorce papers. When you are JEFFRY MAULBOY again, a single man, and +I'm once more ANN BRUMMET. spinster, I'll go away and never trouble you +again. There's no risk. I go in ANN BRUMMET, and come out ANN BRUMMET, +all inside of two hours, and there's nobody to tell of it. The lawyer +and minister are used to it, you see, and the secret's safe with <i>them</i>."</p> + <p>JEFFRY MAULBOY took an unusually large chew of tobacco, and +thought it all over.</p> + <p>"I won't do it," he finally said.</p> + <p>"All right, then," she replied; "I'll write to Mrs. CUPID and +tell her the whole story, and I'll stay here besides. It'll be hard +enough on me for a while if I go, and harder still if I stay; but I'll +do it to <i>spite you</i>. I'll break off your match with Mrs. CUPID +if I <i>do</i> stay, now mark my words."</p> + <p>JEFFRY MAULBOY walked back and forth, and emitted the choicest +string of curses that his extensive and valuable collection enabled him +to cull. At last he stopped in front of her, and said savagely:</p> + <p>"I'll do it. But if you ever lisp a word to any living soul +till I'm safely married to CUPID, I'll kill you, dead sure. Do you hear +that?"</p> + <p>"When and how is the thing to be done?" he growled again.</p> + <p>"The sooner the better," was ANN'S reply. "If you don't hear +from me by to-morrow noon, go to the Half-way House at Forney's Crag. +That's all <i>you've</i> got to do. I'll have the lawyer and minister +both there. <i>You'd</i> better be there too. That's all I say."</p> + <p>Alone in his room, JEFFRY admitted that ANN had been too smart +for him.</p> + <p>"And I'm mighty afraid that, somehow or other, the old +she-dragon will get the best of me yet in this infernal business," he +soliloquized. "Anyhow, I'll sleep on it," and he went to bed.</p> + <p>He got up in the morning, firmly resolved to break his +engagement with ANN.</p> + <p>"She was only bluffing me last night," he said. "She daren't +tell CUPID." But he didn't feel easy for all that.</p> + <p>After breakfast he took his hat and started out.</p> + <p>"Where are you bound, JEFF?" inquired ARCHIBALD.</p> + <p>"Anywhere," was the reply. "Come along."</p> + <p>JEFFRY was awful dull company, so Archibald thought. He took +very large chews of tobacco, and expectorated freely into the eyes of +the small boys whom they chanced to meet, and if he didn't make a good +shot, he swore awfully. Once he went away across a field on purpose to +kick a very small dog, and ARCHIBALD waited for him.</p> + <p>"Why, JEFFRY," said ARCHIBALD, "what ails you? You're awfully +down in the mouth this morning."</p> + <p>"And so you'd be if you was in my boots," was the reply.</p> + <p>And then he up and told ARCHIBALD the whole story.</p> + <p>The latter was so thoroughly dumbfounded that a decently-smart +boy could have blown him over without any apparent effort.</p> + <p>"Why, JEFF," said he, "only to think of it. Ain't it awful? +And ANN BRUMMET, too; ain't I glad it ain't me, though."</p> + <p>"That's no way to console a fellow, you fool," said JEFFRY. +"You'd better offer to help me out of the scrape."</p> + <p>"Why, so I will, of course," said ARCHIBALD. "If I hadn't +saved your life, of course you wouldn't have got into it; and so I feel +bound, you know, to see you out of it. What shall I do?"</p> + <p>"Why, just go over to the Half-way House, and tell ANN I can't +come. Tell her I've got the small-pox, or broke my leg, or my old man's +dying—or anything, so that she understands I can't come."</p> + <p>"You'd better give me a letter," said ARCHIBALD, "and I'll +slip it under her door and run off. I never could remember all that, I +should be so flustered, you know."</p> + <p>"No," replied JEFFRY, "I shan't give you any letter. I ain't +fool enough to commit myself to any woman in black and white."</p> + <p>"Well," replied ARCHIBALD drearily, "just as you say. Oh, what +a knowing man the Hon. MICHAEL is! He said you'd make me pay that debt +of saving your life, sooner or later, and it's turned out sooner. But +I'll go, JEFFRY, if I can get away from BELINDA. She tags me round +everywhere, and wants to court me all the time. Ain't it dreadful? What +time shall I go?"</p> + <p>"Three o'clock," answered JEFFRY. "Tell her I'd come if I +could but I can't <i>anyhow</i>. Be sure and tell her <i>that</i>, +and anything else you've a mind to."</p> + <p>(To be continued.)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>PIGEON ENGLISH.</b></p> + <p>Certainly newspaper writers are given to making very +remarkable statements. In describing General CHANGARNIER, a newspaper +lately informed us that "he stoops his head, which is sprinkled over +with a few gray hairs when walking." Now, if the general's head be +sprinkled when walking, we may fairly infer that the gray hairs, unless +brushed off, remain upon it when it stands still. We are additionally +mystified by the further statement—still with reference to the same +officer—that "he enjoys the personal demeanor of the French people to a +remarkable degree." This we are very much delighted to hear, although +we have not the slightest idea what it means.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Corroborative.</b></p> + <p>A late item of war news states that "the Prussians have +advanced to Dole," while from several other sources we learn that the +Prussians have come to Grief.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/150.jpg" + alt="PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE"> </center> + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</b></p> + <p><i>Ambergris</i>.—Can you give me the motto of the City of +Strasbourg?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—We cannot at this moment recall the Flemish +version of it, but it means, in English, "We make our own Pies."</p> + <p><i>Katrina Shwachenzittern</i>.—We have had some difficulty in +deciphering your manuscript. Your grievance, however, seems to be that +one of your boarders, an Alsatian, keeps a ten-pound brass cannon in +his bedroom, and fires a grand salvo with it whenever a French victory +is announced. This, of course, is very foolish. The best way of putting +a stop to it would be for your German boarders to keep guns of even +larger calibre in their rooms, and fire the Frenchman down. You will +then have a perfect right to charge all your boarders for extra fires.</p> + <p><i>Ney</i>.—Please explain two things about the war. First: +How did the Mobile Guard come to leave Mobile? Second: Is <i>Francs-Tireurs</i> +the French for FRANK BUTLER'S black-and-tan terriers?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—We cannot perceive much difference between NEY and +BRAY.</p> + <p><i>Artichoke</i>.—You are mistaken in supposing total deafness +to be an indispensable qualification in a candidate for the position of +prompter to a theatre.</p> + <p><i>Flippertygibbet</i>.—How is the belligerent attitude of the +Russian Bear likely to affect the New York money market?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Turn a rushin' bear into any market, and see what +the result will be.</p> + <p><i>Paterfamilias</i>.—I am the unhappy father of three brace +of twins, and wish to dispose of one out of each brace. Can you advise +me in the matter?<span style="font-style: italic;"><br> + </span> <i>Answer</i>.—If you don't mind being put in the +Lockup, perhaps you had better apply to "Dr." LOOKUP.</p> + <p><i>Sad-you-See</i>.—We cannot sympathize with you in your wail +about the markets being "flat." Wait a while, patiently, and they will +come "round."</p> + <p><i>Peter Dole</i>.—Your questions about cooking turkeys for +Thanksgiving Day are so multitudinous, that we can only reply to them +generally. In Europe it is the usage for Crowned Heads and their +families, only, to eat sausages with their turkey; and, if ever the +true story of the Man with the Iron Mask comes to be unveiled, it is +more than likely that the mystery will be found to hinge upon that fact.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A PRESIDENTIAL FLOUT.</b></p> + <p>According to the Washington special despatches to the <i>Philadelphia +Inquirer</i>, the President has tendered a Cabinet appointment to +several distinguished members of the Union League of that city. Either +from excessive modesty, however, or, as is probable, from prudent +doubts as to their ability to fill the position, all of these gentlemen +have declined to accept the offer.</p> + <p>It is surmised that the object of the President's recent visit +to Philadelphia (ostensibly to see his old friend, Mr. BORIE), was to +examine the roll of the League, comprising two thousand members, for +the purpose of selecting one who might serve on a pinch to fill the +office in question.</p> + <p>This was a bitter stroke of satire on the part of Mr. GRANT, +since it is generally understood in Philadelphia, that, outside the +ranks of the Mutual Admiration Society to which we have referred, there +are no brains to be found among the Republicans of Philadelphia.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Bubble of Air.</b></p> + <p>What is the most favorable sort of weather for ballooning?</p> + <p><i>Highly</i> favorable weather.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><b>THE THREE CENTS.</b></p> + <p>An Incident both Dramatic and True.</p> + </center> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"><img src="images/151a.jpg" alt=""></td> + <td align="center"><img src="images/151b.jpg" alt=""></td> + <td align="center"><img src="images/151c.jpg" alt=""></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" valign="top"> + <p><small>SLINEY, OF SWAMPVILLE, COMES TO THE CITY. AS HE +SHAMBLES ALONG THREE BRIGHT CENTS FALL AT HIS FEET. AMAZEMENT OF +SLINEY, WHO GAZES UP AT AN OPEN WINDOW, BUT, NOT SEEING ANY PERSON +THERE, SUPPOSES THAT SHOWERS OF COPPERS ARE PECULIAR TO THE CLIMATE.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center" valign="top"> + <p><small>HAVING POCKETED THE COINS, SLINEY PROCEEDS UPON +HIS WAY. HARDLY HAS HE GONE A DOZEN PACES WHEN THREE CENTS AGAIN RING +DOWN UPON THE FLAG-STONES, AND SPARKLE THERE IN THE SUN. DELIGHT OF +SLINEY, WHO AGAIN GAZES UP SMILINGLY AT THIRD-STORY WINDOWS, HOLDING +OUT HIS HAT AS IF TO ASK FOR MORE.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center" valign="top"> + <p><small>AGAIN SLINEY PROCEEDS TO POCKET THE COINS. BUT, +HA!—WHAT IS THIS? HIS COUNTENANCE CHANGES: HIS LONG BONY FINGERS NOW +FOR THE FIRST TIME DETECT THE FATAL FLAW IN HIS TROUSERS POCKET. 'TWAS +HIS ORIGINAL CAPITAL, BROUGHT BY HIM FROM SWAMPVILLE TO INVEST IN +STOCKS, THAT HE HAS BEEN PICKING UP ALL ALONG. AGONY OF SLINEY, WHICH +IS AGGRAVATED BY THE RIBALD LAUGHTER OF SOME WICKED PERSONS WHO HAVE +THROWN THEMSELVES UPON HIS TRACK.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE LATEST BOSTON NOTION.</b></p> + <p>The well-earned reputation acquired by Boston for leading the +world in new ideas is so thoroughly established as to need no +recapitulation here. We merely speak of it for the purpose of +mentioning that city's last contribution to mankind, of this kind. They +have a hotel there which advertises through the seductive fly-pages of +our magazines in the following terms: "Courtesy to strangers is a +marked feature in the management of—"</p> + <p>But we remember in time that we have no right to interfere +with the advertising columns. However, it is a fact that there is a +hotel in America where courtesy to guests is a feature, and of course a +marked one. It is a cheering fact, and especially so just now, in this +early fall, when we are all smarting with the fresh memories of our +summer's sufferings at the hands of the hotel proprietors, their head +clerks, and the rest of the rapacious crew. What an attractive picture +it presents! A hotel where guests are treated with courtesy! Really, if +anything could seduce us into making a visit to Boston, the desire to +actually witness this surprising innovation upon our national customs +would prove too strong for the reverential fear which keeps us distant +worshippers of that American Mecca.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Odious Comparison.</b></p> + <p>"She is a gem," remarked Mr. JENKINSOP, speaking of his +red-haired wife.</p> + <p>"Yes—a diamond of many carats," was the low rejoinder of +JENKINSOP'S friend, WINKLESOP.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>ROYAL DEMOCRACY.</b></p> + <p>It appears to have been decided that one of the royal +princesses of England can be allowed to marry, without being obliged to +find some royal prince for that purpose. Perhaps this course has been +discovered to be possible from the fact that the stock of royal princes +is getting short in Europe. Prussia has gobbled up any number of German +ones, and bids fair to do so with the rest. But we prefer to think that +this innovation is really due to the women's rights movement. Their +platform is broad enough for the entire sex to stand on, and why should +a princess, from the unfortunate accident of her birth, be debarred her +natural right to fall in love with the man of her choice, and to marry +the man she loves. At any rate we commend this change of policy to the +leaders of the women's rights party, as a proof of the success their +movement has gained, and advise them to send a series of congratulatory +resolutions to the princess in question, upon her gaining her +unquestioned right to consult her heart rather than a Lord Chancellor +in the bestowal of her hand.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>An Anecdote from Salt Lake.</b></p> + <p>A GYPSY came to BRIGHAM YOUNG with a pony for sale.</p> + <p>"Why, the beast is half-starved," said BRIGHAM, running his +hand over the pony's side. "You can count his ribs."</p> + <p>"That's more'n a chap could do with yours," retorted the gypsy.</p> + <p>BRIGHAM YOUNG did not buy that pony.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>NATURAL HISTORY IN OUR PARKS.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/152.jpg" align="left" alt="N">o greater +tribute has yet been paid to the already improved condition of our city +parks under the new <i>régime</i>, than the arrival in them of +strange birds by which they had not hitherto been patronized. Within a +few days past several owls have been captured in the solemn pines with +which these delightful retreats have lately been made green, if not +shady. The owl, as is well known, was regarded by the ancients as the +Bird of Wisdom. He fully sustained his right to the title by letting +severely alone the city parks while they were still dreary and +disgusting wastes. The only night-birds by which these were, then +occupied were of the featherless (and apparently motherless) kind, and +were well known to the police. They were quite as watchful, it is true, +as the genuine feathered owl that has just commenced to give its very +extraordinary countenance to the parks, but then it was with other +people's watches, not their own. It is with much concern that we hear +reports of the slaughter of some of these solemn but beautiful owls +that have come to ventilate their wisdom among us. The reports in +question were very definite and unmistakable, most of them proceeding +from revolvers handled by members of the Municipal Police Force, while +others emanated from the barrels of shot-guns wielded by beery Teutons, +who rushed frantically out from their sawdust lairs when they were told +that the game was up—that is, that an owl was up a tree. This was +scurvy treatment for the visitors. To "put a head on" an owl, which is +already provided with one so large and so comical, appears to be a work +both superfluous and inhuman. The only apology for it in this instance +is, that these night-birds of prey were supposed by the police to have +been attracted to the parks by the prospect of succulent suppers on the +very well-fed sparrows by which these resorts are now thickly tenanted. +The owls hooted at this notion; but their hooting was only answered by +shooting, and the poor foolish Birds of Wisdom have been stuffed with +tow instead of sparrows, and set up to form the nucleus of an +ornithological Rogues' Gallery in the City Hall.</p> + <p>On visiting the Battery a few days ago, one of the +park-keepers (himself looking in his bright new uniform somewhat like a +blue-jay) expressed his conviction that, next spring, that time-honored +pleasure-garden of the old Knickerbockers will be a paradise for +song-birds such as it has not been since the original Swedish +Nightingale warbled her "woodnotes wild" there a score of years ago, +more or less. The sea-gulls, he thought (will Judge HILTON have the +goodness to provide these park officers with manuals of ornithology?), +would build their nests in the pine-trees with which the wide esplanade +that stretches away to the water's edge will soon be bristling. Honest, +but mistaken young man! As well might he have said that the sea-wall [a +very substantial one, by the way] would build its nest in the +melancholy pines. But it is reasonable to hope that pine grossbeaks +will find their way thither, and that the German flutes of various +finches will provide for the coming Bavarians and Hessians (should any +be left after the siege of Paris and the <i>sorties</i> of the +truculent TROCHU) a welcome such as has not heretofore been accorded to +the strangers who at Castle Garden first set foot upon our shore.</p> + <p>The Bowling Green—late a nuisance and a pandemonium, now an +oasis of verdure—has not as yet reported its owl, but the public eye is +upon it, and the nocturnal marauder may yet be detected in the forks of +the great willow-trees, which still retain their verdure. The sparrows +are almost disproportionately numerous in this small park, but this may +be accounted for. It has lately been laid down with new grass, the +green, tender blades of which, just now beginning to crop out, are +probably mistaken by the birds for "sparrow-grass" munificently +provided for them by the Commissioners.</p> + <p>In all of these city parks the contrast between past and +present is very striking and agreeable. But a few short months ago they +were the domiciles and dormitories of outcast roughs and vagrants of +the worst description, whose "'owls," as a Cockney explorer observed, +"made night 'ideous." The only muss now common to them is the <i>mus</i> +tribe, comprising the <i>mus ratus</i>, or ordinary rat (so called +from its haunting ordinaries, we suppose), and the timid mouse, with +which the Bird of Wisdom is contented to put up when the sparrows +decline to come to his claw.</p> + <p>Central Park offers numerous attractions now to all who love +to keep up their animal spirits by studying animal life. There is a fat +little Asiatic pig there, who is the very picture of content. A red pig +he is, and exceedingly well behaved. The best red pig, in fact, that we +remember ever to have seen, beating the learned pig by several trumps +and an ace. When we last saw him he was very busy with his pen, and our +surmise was that his mind was fully occupied with arrangements for +editing the works of BACON, or, possibly, those of HOGG.</p> + <p>The young elephant has increased immensely, since last year, +in stature and girth. He is remarkably neat in his person, wisping +himself all over with hay for hours at a time. Whether he does this for +cleanliness or to obtain a flavor of elephant for the hay is doubtful, +however, for he always eats it after having made use of it as a +flesh-brush for a good while. Notices requesting visitors "not to feed +or annoy the animals" are posted on the compartments. In the case of +the elephant, though, it might be as well also to caution persons +against making jokes about his trunk—a low kind of ribaldry in which +every carpet-bagger, who never had one, seems to think himself bound to +indulge.</p> + <p>There is a cinnamon bear in one of the outside cages, whose +claws remind one sharply that cinnamon and cloves go together, and that +clove is a tense of the verb "to cleave." But we do not want such a +fellow as that to cleave to us, since it is evident that a grocer kind +of brute than a cinnamon bear cannot be found in all the ursine family. +"Sugar and spice, and all things nice," are stated in song to be the +materials that "little girls are made of," but if we thought that +cinnamon bear figured upon the list of groceries thus used for +modelling young maidens, we would either fly to the desert with Dr. +MARY WALKER or immure ourselves in a nunnery with SUSAN B. ANTHONY, and +all the other females of the anti-sugar-and-spice persuasion.</p> + <p>Fattest of all the beasts in the Central Park collection is +the larger of the two grizzly bears. From the easy way in which he +takes life, he reminds one of a successful politician, who had worked +his way up from being a slim and impecunious "repeater" to the position +of Alderman, or Custom House official, and President of the Fat Men's +Club. There is a drunken leer in this beast's eye, an inebriate roll in +all his movements, that lead one mechanically to peer into the darkness +of his den with the view of seeing what the Bar fixings are like. It +would be a rare freak to treat the huge fellow to a cask of rum and +sugar, and then stand by with a comic artist, and take down for +PUNCHINELLO the traits of BRUIN the Grizzly on a "bender," and with all +his repressed nature brought out by the strong drink.</p> + <p>"Carnivorium" is the word now properly applied by the Park +authorities to the establishment in which the wild beasts are kept. +That is, the term will be correct when applied only to the particular +department allotted to the fierce flesh-devouring animals. At present +camels are accommodated in the Carnivorium, and so are cows, which is a +sort of slur upon the habits of these poor innocent vegetarians. The +new word, however, is likely to find considerable extension, and if any +provider for the public maw should choose hereafter to call his +dining-saloon a Carnivorium, none would have a right to cavil at him on +philological grounds, at least.</p> + <p>By and by the Park will have a new and sensational attraction. +The antediluvian monsters of that great FRANKENSTEIN of the period, Mr. +WATERHOUSE HAWKINS, will soon be advanced enough to "give fits" to the +nursery-maids and their tender charges. Accipitrine in features as in +name, Mr. HAWKINS is a living illustration of the Darwinian theory. +Certainly his remote ancestors must have been of the falcon family. He +revels in birds; though, when he cannot obtain those, he can put up +with lizards, which he usually prefers manufactured, and of a length +not less than from sixty to one hundred feet. This reminds us that a +saurian of a hundred feet should not be confounded with a centipede.</p> + <p>It will be seen, then, that the landscape-gardens of our great +city are in a fair way of being able to afford some illustrations for +students of Natural History more interesting than the oyster-shells and +old boots with which most of them have hitherto been stocked.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>FRUIT FOR BALLOONISTS.</b> Currents in the air.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/153.jpg" alt=""> + <p>FASHION CORRESPONDENTS REPORT THAT "NETS ARE TO BE WORN MUCH +LONGER." PUNCHINELLO SUGGESTS, THEN, THAT THEY MIGHT BE PROFITABLY +ADAPTED FOR CATCHING FISH AS WELL AS BEAUX.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE AVERAGE THANKSGIVING.</b></p> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">NINE O'CLOCK A.M.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'm +thankful I was bright enough, this year,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To have my turkey bought a week +ahead!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, what a bird it is! 'Twas +awful dear,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But, thank the Lord! the +turkey's been well fed.</span> </div> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">TEN O'CLOCK A.M.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">There! +I've forgot the oysters. Thank the Lord,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">There's time enough with early +church; Old GRIMES,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I hope, will pity us to-day; he's +bored</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A hungry crowd so many, many +times.</span> </div> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">ELEVEN O'CLOCK A.M.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, +what a crowd! Hallo! Another man!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Well, thank the Lord, 'twill be +a change, at least;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I s'pose he'll aggravate us all +he can:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And that's <i>so</i> easy just +before a feast.</span> </div> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">TWELVE O'CLOCK M.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> Oh, what a bore! He's worse than +Grimes by half;<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">So slow!—That turkey will be +done to rags!—</span><br> +I'm famished! I could eat the fatted calf.<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">There! Thank the Lord! He's +winding up; he fags.</span> </div> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">ONE P.M.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Give +me the knife. Be quick, my love, be quick!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I never was so hungry in my +life!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Well, thank the Lord, that +tedious old stick</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><i>Did</i> let us off.—Oh, hang +this carving-knife!</span> </div> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">TWO P.M.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I +wish I had not eaten quite so much;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But, really, the mince-pie was <i>so</i> +prime!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You gave it just the real, old, +fancy touch.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">There! (Thank the Lord, I got +the meat in time.)</span> </div> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">THREE P.M.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">My +eyes! how sleepy I have grown since noon!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Some wine or music, now, would +make me gay;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Come, ANNA, let us have a little +tune—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">There! thank the Lord, there's +no more work to-day.</span> </div> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">FOUR P.M.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">What +was it, ANNA? I was sound asleep;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I rather think I had the +nightmare, too.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I feel half sick; cold chills +around me creep.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Well, thank the Lord, +Thanksgiving is all through!</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Pen and an Inkling.</b></p> + <p>A certain HERR BISSENGER, of Pforzhelm, has presented BISMARCK +with a golden pen, set with jewels, with which to sign the treaty after +the capture of Paris. Foresight is well enough in its way; but if the +treaty which is to end this war is not a very different one from any +BISMARCK has yet suggested, penning his signature to it will be merely +a preliminary to his repentance for being so short-sighted as not to +see that Sedan, not Paris, was the place at which to make a lasting +peace.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Chance for Metaphysicians to be Useful.</b></p> + <p>The German metaphysicians who have been so long bothering the +world with reports of their searches after the undiscoverable, should +now exercise whatever skill they have gained in this pursuit, in +looking for signs of republican protest in Germany against the growing +tyranny of their Prussian masters. Such a course would do their own +country good, and, if successful, would be most grateful to the rest of +the world.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Twist of the Cable.</b></p> + <p>Telegrams per cable state that "VON DER TANN is +retreating"—also that "a Prussian bark has been blown up."</p> + <p>Combining these two statements, we obtain an excellent quality +of Tan Bark, which may or may not be suggestive of further "Hidings" of +the Prussians by the French.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Grant-ed.</b></p> + <p>Recent disclosures concerning the President's Cabinet would go +to show that this piece of administrative furniture is a cabinet with +Drawers.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Bad for their Health.</b></p> + <p>Travel is so impeded by the terrible state of affairs at +present existing in France, that the Prussians cannot take Tours.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>New Occupation for the President.</b></p> + <p>A display heading in the <i>World</i> of November 18th has +the following astounding line:—</p> + <p>"GRANT cuts SCHURZ."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/154.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>NONE THE BETTER FOR TOO MUCH NURSING.</b></p> + <p><i>Dr. W.G. Bryant.</i>—"MR. KELLEY, THAT POOR CHILD +PENNSYLVANIA HAS BEEN FED TOO EXCLUSIVELY WITH PIG-IRON PAP. SUPPOSE +YOU TRY SOME OF MY FREE-TRADE MIXTURE, AND SEE IF THAT WON'T RESTORE IT +TO HEALTH."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN SURPRISED.</b></p> + <p>His Fellow-Citizens Present Him with a Silver Tea Service.</p> + <p>When the Hon. BILL SOOWARD allers gets home from a voyige, the +sitezens of Auburn give him a warm recepshen.</p> + <p>When Goyenor HOFFMAN visits the home of his childhood days, a +spontaneous bust of friendship throws her lovin embrace about him.</p> + <p>When a few sundry other peeple, whose names shall be nameless +in this communication, have arroven to their long home on tother side +of the River Sticks, they will get a recepshen so warm, that, settin on +top a red hot koal stove and sokin their feet in a kittle full of +b'iling water, will be full as cheerin to 'em as a Mint Jewlip is to an +inhabitant of the Equinoxial line.</p> + <p>Recepshens and presentashens bein the order of the day, I took +it into my head, a short time since, to have my feller sitizens of +Skeansboro' give me some of it.</p> + <p>Consekently I hired 1/2 dozen of my nabors, whom I supposed +wouldent make turnal fools of their selves, to call at the Old Green +manshon with a crowd of peeple, at the hour when I was supposed to be +to bed, for the purpuss of presentin me with a silver tea sarvice, +which our Joowiler had lent me for the occasion. I writ up an impromptu +speech, and practiced it for over a week, out in my barn, so as to be +reddy for the cerprise.</p> + <p>My 3 oldest darters had agreed to be dressed up in white, +representen the 3 graces—Faith, Hope, & Charity—and arrangin their +selfs in a tabloo in the back parler, they was to throw open the foldin +doors at a signal from me. I also tride to get my wife to rig up; says +she:</p> + <p>"Me rig up? No, sir! I wouldent encourage sich a lot of tom +foolery to save your consarned neck. And I know of a sartin Old +Noosants who'l ketch Hail Columbia if he musses up these ere parlers to +freely."</p> + <p>The noosants referred to was no doubt the undersined; I know +it was.</p> + <p>Mariar was allers full of pet names, and this was one of them.</p> + <p>When she called me pet names, I dident stop to argue with her. +It is no use; shee'l allers have the last word, if she sets up all nite +for a week for it. You mite just as well try to make Bosting fokes +think the hul United States don't resolve around Masserchussetts Bay +and Bosting Common once every 24 times an hour, as to undertake to stop +a womans clack when she gets on a talkin fit.</p> + <p>The appinted nite came, and I was standin behind the winder +curten, peekin out the upper hall winder, anxiusly awaitin the arrival +of the crowd.</p> + <p>All of a sudden a percession, hove in site, headed by a drum +and fife. Their onsartin way of marchin, by gettin their legs mixed all +up together, made me think that by the time they got up to my house, +the painful duty would devolve on to me of goin down and getten their +legs ontangled.</p> + <p>The fifer was continually mistakin his head for a drum stick, +as he fell over and let it strike vilently agin the sheep skin head of +the base drum. Whilst the drummer, hisself, was mistakin evry bodys +head for his musikle instrument, as he dealt out blows rite and left, +to all who come within hittin distance of his intossicated drum sticks.</p> + <p>Arrivin before my domisil, the leeder sung out and says:</p> + <p>"Now boys (hic!) let's rattle up bald head, (hic!) if old +2-and-ninepence don't (hic!) shell out with his 'freshments, we'll +(hic!) smash this 'ere borrered tea sarvice over his (hic!) figger +head." Sayin which he gives the door bell a yank, which was enuff to +pull the roof off from over our heads.</p> + <p>Slippin on my red nite cap, I poked my head out of my winder, +and in fained cerprise, Bays to 'em:</p> + <p>"My good peeple, what's the meanin of this demon-stration?"</p> + <p>"A lot of fellers, who you hired to come and pay you a visit, +has got here. So come down and let us in, old hoss," says a voice.</p> + <p>I went down stairs, with doubts in my mind as to the way the +thing would turn out.</p> + <p>Unboltin the door, the assemblige filed in. A casual glance +convinced me that I was not receivin into the buzzum of my family +manshon a deputashun from the Skeensboro Lodge of Good Templers, for a +skalier lot of whiskey-soked human beins I never sot eyes on.</p> + <p>There was JOB BIGLER, who useter leed the Skeensboro brick +meetin house quire, tryin to pick his teeth with the corner of a +pictur-frame, while standin before the lookin glass was WILLYAM DUNBAR +vainly endevorin to ascertain if he was the Siameese Twins, or else was +the lookin-glass a double-plated one.</p> + <p>Old JIM SPENCER insisted on standin with his cow-hide butes on +top the mahogony senter table, for the purpuss of presentin me with the +tea sarvice, while his son-in-law had no sorter hesitation, +whatsomever, of planten his muddy feet into my wife's work basket, +which was settin on a stool in the sou'-west corner of the front room. +Others had piled theirselfs in heeps, in various parts of the room, +presentin a picter which JOHN B. GOFF could work up to sich an affectin +pitch, that tears could be got out of the eyes of a perfessional +grave-digger.</p> + <p>"SQUIRE GREEN, yer (hic!) feller sitisens, wishin to do the +square thing by you, hereby (hic!) take this opportunity of presentin +you with this (hic!) tea sarvice, which you hired down to GRIZ'LES +jooliry (hic!) store, for this momentous occassion. Take it and be +'appy. Now trot out yer (hic!) benzeen," says SPENCER. At this pint I +give the signle, and the foldin doors was throde quickly open, revealin +my 3 gals in a classic tabloo. I then said:</p> + <p>"Feller Sitizens: When I say I'me hily pleased at this +onexpected cerprise, I but reiterate the pent up feelins of an +overflowin heart."—</p> + <p>"Oh, cork up on that ere spoutin, and sound yer supper bell," +said JOE BIGLER, interuptin me. I again went on.</p> + <p>"As I casts my eyes about me, I see the smillen faces of my +feller sitizens, who have been tride and not found <i>wantin</i>—"</p> + <p>"That's a lie! We are <i>wantin</i> some vittles, with a +little (hic!) opedildock to wash her down. When you hired us to do this +job, you (hic!) 'greed to fill up," says a voice.</p> + <p>I pertended as how I dident hear the raskle's insultin +remarks, but I was secretly itchin to be a silent spectator to his +funeral, and see his miserable carciss sunk down under about 6 foot of +free sile. I continnered;</p> + <p>"You see before you, Faith, Hope & Charity, otherwise +called the 3 graces," said I, pintin to my darters, who looked as +sheepish as if they was jest let loose from a femail convenshun, or +some other loonatick asylum.</p> + <p>"Yer cant cram that stuff down our gullets, no more'n I can +stand on this sugar bole without mashin it" said a vile youth, ceasin +the sugar bole from the silver tea sarvice and settin his foot onto it. +"Them gals haint no more faith in hoops and charity, than I have that +the french peeple can live under a Republican form of government." Said +another chap: "Oh, no, old GREEN, them tow-headed maidens is your +darters, JOHANNER, BETTY, and MARIAR, Jr."</p> + <p>"Leed us to the bankett halls," says some one else.</p> + <p>"Come, do as yer (hic!) 'greed, and give us some +pirotecknicks," some one else yelled; at this juncture all was hollerin +vociferously for vittles and whiskey.</p> + <p>I assure you, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, it was very <i>affectin</i>.</p> + <p>In fact, I don't believe there was a <i>dry mouth</i> in the +crowd.</p> + <p>"I blush for every drunken soul of you," said I, wishing to +get rid if em; "and I want you to understand this meetin is adjourned +to sober off."</p> + <p>I noticed that the 3 graces had left the room, while the +assemblage was vainly endeavorin to git hold of the silver tea sarvice.</p> + <p>Suddenly the back parler door was busted open, and Mrs. GREEN +and my 3 gals rushed in with pans of hot water and broomsticks, and if +ever I enjoyed seein a lot of people baptized, it was that ere crowd, +who was a yellin "bloody murder," as the hot water made their hides +curl up.</p> + <p>"Go It, My Sweet Dears," Said I, "Peel Off Their Skins, And +You Shall All Have A Bran New Caliker Apiece To-Morrer Mornin."</p> + <p>Well, sir, in quicker time than I can write this, the house +was cleared and the front door locked agin em; but my troubles had only +just commenced, for I had, figerately speakin, jumped from the fryin +pan into the fire.</p> + <p>"HIRAM GREEN," said MARIAR, backin me up into a corner, "you +old sinner, you, look at that senter table, all scratched up with heels +of a pair of drunken cow-hide butes. Look at my work basket; it looks +as if a percession of hogs had been marchin into it.—See that nice rag +carpet which took me over 6 months to make; what is it? eh! it's +covered with old tabacker cuds, mud, segar stumps, broken whiskey +bottles, and dish water. Haint you a sweet venerable head of a family? +Haint you a saperb copy bound in calf, of ex-legal jewrisprudence?</p> + <p>"Presented you with a tea sarvice, did they? Oh! yool be the +ruination of this family with your confounded efforts seekin arter +fame. You—you—"</p> + <p>I dident wait to hear no more, but left the house with my +feelins in a hily mixed up state. I have made up my mind to one thing, +that if I ever get up another cerprise, I will hire good moral men, +sich as editors, noosepaper men, and literary folks ginerally, whose +conducts is above suspishon, to conduct the preceedins.</p> +When this you spy,<br> +Remember HI,<br> + <p>Ewers, truly,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/157.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>BABY'S PHOTOGRAPH.</b></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/158.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>SONG OF THE OYSTER.</b></p> + <p>"PUT ME IN MY LITTLE BED."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>An Exciting Interview with King William.—"Seeing" Thiers and +Going him Better.—The Influence of Monkeys In Diplomacy.</p> + <p>VERSAILLES, EIGHTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870.</p> + <p>"I don't believe a word of it," said the King, with an +impatient stamp of the foot and a deprecatory wave of the hand—"not a +word of it."</p> + <p>You see, dear PUNCHINELLO, the situation was thus: I had +undertaken, not indeed without grave misgivings, to propitiate his +Majesty, after the failure of the THIERS-BISMARCK negotiations, and, if +possible, procure such terms as would save Parisians from the galling +necessity of immolating the monkeys of the <i>Jardin des Plantes</i> +to the popular demand for something to eat. I thought, as an American +citizen and your correspondent, my propositions <i>might</i> have some +chance of being favorably entertained, especially as I knew that the +English Minister's presents of Stilton cheese and many dozens of BASS' +bottled ale to BISMARCK had failed to prevent the current of the +Chancellor's prejudice from running strongly in favor of Americans. +Thus morally armed, and bearing in my pocket a <i>passe-partout</i> +from Prussian Headquarters, I approached Versailles on the second +evening after the departure of M. THIERS, and found the King occupying +the apartment in the central pavilion of the palace, which had once +been the sleeping-chamber of Louis XVI. and his unhappy spouse MARIE +ANTOINETTE. Many alterations had taken place since I was last there and +saw the wretched Queen from the balcony endeavoring to assuage the +fierce mob that surged beneath. The room was not like the room in which +I once helped Louis to pull off his boots, and the delicate perfume +that usually pervades the apartments of French royalty had succumbed to +the amalgamated odors of <i>Schweitzer Kase</i> and <i>Saur Kraut</i>.</p> + <p>"It is apparent, sire," said I to WILLIAM, who was sitting +there "that Count BISMARCK has wholly misunderstood the situation in +Paris."</p> + <p>"Not a bit of it," said the King; "don't I know well enough +they've got down to two ounces a day for each man, and horse meat at +that?</p> + <p>"You forget, sire, their vast supply of asses."</p> + <p>"Do I, indeed? when they've done nothing but develop an +unlimited number of them ever since the war began."</p> + <p>I had an idea then that his majesty must have meant this for +sarcasm though my own experience told me that it was only too true; and +it also occurred to me that I was not in my true station as the +representative of a government of "asses." Nothing but a stern sense of +duty prevented me from clearing out at once under this last harrowing +reflection. Accordingly, I returned to the charge with diminished +vigor, assuring the King that if his army kept on blockading Paris in +this cruel sort of way, the population would soon be dying by +thousands. It was very strange why he wouldn't draw off his troops. +What did <i>he</i> want with Paris? What had Paris done to <i>him</i>? +Weren't there plenty of other cities in this world that didn't care a +cent how much he bombarded them? (I began to think that possibly I +might be growing childish in my method of stating the case, but it was +only a momentary weakness that made me think so.) Where was Tyre? Let +him go and bombard Tyre. Nobody cares for Tyre now. Where was Sidon? If +he wanted to throw away his ammunition, let him "go" for Sidon. Where +was Tuckahoo, New Jersey? Would New York care if Tuckahoo was reduced +to the level of its original swamp? Moreover, there were lots of cities +away off in China, yearning to have the rays of modern civilization let +into them. Would it be anything out of his way to travel in that +direction with a few big KRUPP guns, and give civilization a fair +opening to get in at? Wasn't it cowardly to be punching all the time at +one poor, miserable little town like Paris, that ain't big enough to +help itself, and wouldn't have done the same by him no matter if it got +ever so many high old chances? "Think of it, oh! think of it, my royal +brother," I said, laying a hand on each of his royal shoulders. He took +my hands off, and told BISMARCK to bring him a wisp-broom. It was a +cruel insult, but I stood unmoved in the midst of it. "Perhaps at some +future hour and place, Your Majesty, we may meet under different +circumstances." That was a proposition he exhibited no disposition to +deny. At this juncture a courier arrived from the front, breathless +with excitement, and speechless too. The King seized him by the back of +the neck and shook him violently, but the poor fellow couldn't +articulate a word, I suggested that cold keys be put down his back, and +his feet thrust into the fire. That brought him to so fast that I got +behind an arm-chair for protection. In a few seconds he gathered voice +enough to say:</p> + <p>"S-S-Sire, P-P-P-Paris is e-eatin' u-u-up the m-m-mon-monkeys."</p> + <p>Fatal news! It was all up with my museum.</p> + <p>Paris reduced to monkeys, and no treaty signed!</p> + <p>Horrible catastrophe!</p> + <p>I offered myself to Satan for a good lie—anything, I didn't +care what, to clinch matters, and bring the King to terms. The Old Boy +served me.</p> + <p>"Your Majesty, I forebore to tell you the worst; but it can be +kept back no longer. You must fly from here; fly from Paris. Your +worthy queen, the great, the good, the patriotic AUGUSTA, is now lying +at the point of—"</p> + <p>"Liar!" shouted the King, as he seized a boot-jack from the +hands of BISMARCK and hurled it at me with all his strength. I burst +the back of my coat dodging the missile, which did not, however, +interrupt the rapid utterance of my dreadful communication.</p> + <p>"Spare one moment more to hear what I have just received by +telegraph from Berlin, which is to say that your grandmother—"</p> + <p>"I never had a grandmother!" roared the King, upon the verge +of madness, as the Crown Prince, at the head of six Army Corps +surrounded the building and captured me without firing a shot.</p> + <p>P.S.—It is scarcely necessary in my present exhausted state to +say that my liberation is once more entirely due to the intercession of +that man of all men, the defender of injured innocence, and the +champion of all unfortunates, the most honorable Mr. WASHBURNE, +American Minister, &c. He told them that he had known me from +boyhood; that my father died in the lunatic asylum, and dying, +bequeathed his intellectual characteristics to his son, which was all +he had to bequeath. The King said it was more than likely, and so I got +off.</p> + <p>DICK TINTO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Wonderful Sagacity.</b></p> + <p>Newspapers mention that an Irish crow has lately arrived as a +passenger on board the steamship <i>Colorado.</i> It is stated that +the bird has positively declined to quit the ship, and the inference is +that its unwillingness to do so arises from fear lest it might be +mistaken for a Thanksgiving Turkey.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Wintry Reflection.</b></p> + <p>The only Weather Profits that never fail are the gains of the +coal dealers.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Nautical.</b></p> + <p>When does a ship display a propensity for climbing?</p> + <p>When she runs up her flag.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS</b><br> + <p><img src="images/159.jpg" align="left" alt="L">atest of Mr. +BOUCICAULT'S mixtures is another Irish dramatic stew. He calls it the <i>Rapparee</i>, +and it contains the usual proportion of fire, patriots, whiskey, +traitors, pretty girls, and red-coat officers. It has a Tragic Heroine +and a Cheerful Heroine, a French Officer who speaks with an Irish +brogue, and a Dutch General who speaks the Fechterian dialect. It has +FRANK MAYO in picturesque attitudes on the stage, and HARRY PALMER in +gorgeous vestments in the lobby. But here it is—as long as the original +and nearly as tedious. Read it and decide for yourselves whether this +sort of thing is worthy of the clever mechanic who constructed <i>Arrah-na-Pogue</i>?</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">THE RAPPAREE. ACT I.</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">SCENE I.—<i>A retired spot in the +public highway. [Enter an army of fifteen<br> +Irish patriots, armed with pikes of great scythes.]</i></p> + <p>1st PATRIOT.—"Hurroo for KING JAMES, we'll dhrive the +Orange-men into the say. Here comes O'MALLEY, and the FRINCH OFFICIR. +May they niver want a bottle, or a frind to stale it from." <i>[Enter +O'Malley and Duquesne,]</i></p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"All is lost. ULICK has betrayed us."</p> + <p>DUQUESNE.—"All is lost. ULICK has followed the national +custom."</p> + <p>PATRIOTS.—"All is lost. Hurroo. What'll we do now, boys?"</p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"Come with me to France. We'll fight somebody there."</p> + <p>PATRIOTS.—"We will go this minute." <i>[They go. Enter Tragic +Heroine.]</i></p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"Can I belave the eyes of me. Is it you, darlint, or +some other ghost?"</p> + <p>TRAGIC HEROINE.—"'Tis I. Fly, O'MALLEY. ULICK insists upon +marrying me, and hanging you."</p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"I will fly to-morrow night, and you shall fly with +me. I would go this minute, were it not that Mr. BOUCICAULT'S play +would be spoiled if I did not stay long enough to get into +difficulties. I will hide in the cellar of my ruined castle, and will +give ULICK the worst 'hiding' he ever had if I have a convenient chance +at him."</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">SCENE II—<i>The front parlor in +O'Hara's castle. Enter the Dutch General and O'Hara.</i></p> + <p>DUTCH GENERAL.—"O'HARA, I dinks you pe ein repel. ULICK is +searging your bapers. If he finds something you shall be hanged." <i>[Enter +Ulick.]</i></p> + <p>ULICK.—"I have searched O'HARA's trunk, and the drawer where +he keeps his other stocking. I have found nothing."</p> + <p>DUTCH GENERAL.—"I still pelieve him a traitor, but I gannot +brove it." <i>[Exit.]</i></p> + <p>ULICK.—"O'HARA, listen. I have lied. I hold here in my left +coat-tail pocket the proofs of your treachery. Give me your daughter +and help me hang O'MALLEY, or I will ruin you."</p> + <p>O'HARA.—"I am in your power. Do as you please." <i>[Enter +Tragic Heroine.]</i></p> + <p>TRAGIC HEROINE.—"Never. ULICK shall neither marry me nor hang +O'MALLEY."</p> + <p>ULICK.—"Young woman, I will lock you in this room for a year +or two, until O'MALLEY is thoroughly hung. Come, O'HARA." <i>[Exeunt.]</i></p> + <p>TRAGIC HEROINE.—"I must escape and warn O'MALLEY. But how? I +have it. I can leap out of the window into the sea: I can then swim in +full ball-dress to O'MALLEY'S castle, which is only twenty leagues from +here. I will warn him, and fly with him. Courage. I will remove my +back-hair and make the hazardous leap." <i>[She leaps.]</i></p> + <p style="text-align: center;">SCENE III.—<i>The vaults below +O'Malley's castle. Enter Dutch General,<br> +O'Hara, Ulick, and the "Doctor," a rebel prisoner.</i></p> + <p>DOCTOR.—"I brought you here to show you O'MALLEY'S +hiding-place. Now I've got you. The tide rose the moment we entered, +and cut off your retreat; we'll all be drowned like rats in a hole. +Hurroo." <i>[O'Malley descends into the vaults by an iron door.]</i></p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"Come up-stairs out of the wet. We'll have some +whiskey." <i>[They come up.]</i></p> + <p style="text-align: center;">ACT II.</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">SCENE I.—<i>O'Malley's ancestral +back-garret. Enter Tragic Heroine in ball-dress, having swum across the +bay.</i></p> + <p>TRAGIC HEROINE.—"Ha! also Ho! I am a little out of breath. I +think I had better faint." <i>(Faints.) [Enter O'Malley and his +rescued enemies.]</i></p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"Sit down, while I go for the whiskey." <i>[He +goes.]</i></p> + <p>O'HARA.—"What do I see? My daughter! Take her up-stairs before +O'MALLEY returns." <i>(They take her up.) [Re-enter O'Malley.]</i></p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"Gentlemen, here is the whiskey. It is Gen. GRANT'S +favorite brand, and you'll find it all right." <i>[To his servant]</i> +"CONNER, these men mean to arrest me. Go and set fire to the castle." <i>[Connor +goes, and O'Malley, locking the door, throws the key out of the window.]</i></p> + <p>EVERYBODY.—"What do you mean by throwing away the key? Do you +mean to surround us, and, making us prisoners, drink up the whiskey +yourself?"</p> + <p>O'MALLEY,—"'Tis a custom of our house, intended originally to +give employment to meritorious locksmiths on the eve of election. +Listen while I tell you how one of my ancestors played a nice little +trick on some officers who had come to arrest him for shooting his +landlord. He locked them up as I have locked you up. He then ordered +his servant to set the castle on fire as I have just done, and was +baked with them as we are about to be baked."</p> + <p>DUTCH GENERAL.—"Donner und blitzen!"</p> + <p>EVERYBODY ELSE.—"Tare an ounds!"</p> + <p>TRAGIC HEROINE, <i>[in the loft above]</i>.—"S c r r r e e e +c h."</p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"Heavings! That shriek. 'Tis my Grace! TRAGIC +DARLING, I come to die with you." <i>[Rushes up the chimney, while the +Dutch General, blowing off the lock off the door with his pistol, +escapes together with his friends. The Castle is carefully taken to +pieces in sections by the stage carpenters, while torches are flashed +at intervals. Finally a Roman candle is set off, and the O'Malley +Castle falls a prey to a carefully managed conflagration.—Curtain.]</i></p> + <p style="text-align: center;">ACT III.</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">SCENE I.—<i>A quiet place in midst +of the turnpike. Enter Cheerful Heroine and French Officer.</i></p> + <p>FRENCH OFFICER.—"Fly with me at once."</p> + <p>CHEERFUL HEROINE.—"Why on earth should I fly? I have never +seen you but once."</p> + <p>FRENCH OFFICER.—"'Tis true; but you'll have to settle that +with BOUCICAULT. I'm sure I don't want you to fly, especially with no +property but a low-necked dress and short sleeves; but BOUCICAULT has +arranged it to suit himself."</p> + <p>CHEERFUL HEROINE—"In that case I will fly." <i>[Enter the</i> +DOCTOR <i>and a band of patriots.]</i></p> + <p>DOCTOR.—"O'MALLEY is a prisoner in the fort. We are going to +have him out, dead or alive."</p> + <p>FRENCH OFFICER.—"These are the counsels of madness. Why don't +you get an injunction, or something of that kind, and so get him out +peaceably."</p> + <p>DOCTOR.—"It's too late. Besides, Mr. BOUCICAULT wants to end +the play with a fight."</p> + <p>CHEERFUL HEROINE.—"I will manage it all. I will let down a +rope from the fort. You shall all be drawn up and rescue O'MALLEY. +Nothing could be more simple. Come and be drawn up." <i>[They come.]</i></p> + <p style="text-align: center;">SCENE. II.—<i>Interior of the +O'Malley's cell. Enter Tragic Heroine.</i></p> + <p>TRAGIC HEROINE.—"'Tis he!'tis he! Though how he managed to +change his clothes and put on such a nice coat, I can't imagine. +Dearest, awake!"</p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"Who calls? Is it the boy with the beer? Ha! my own +darling. Come to this embroidered waistcoat."</p> + <p>TRAGIC HEROINE.—"I have agreed to marry ULICK on condition he +permits you to escape."</p> + <p>O'MALLEY.—"Ha! base girl. Would ye onconvenience yourself to +save me? Never! I will not consent to your marrying ULICK. Try some +other little game, darlint"</p> + <p>TRAGIC HEROINE.—"I will." <i>[Exit.]</i></p> + <p style="text-align: center;">SCENE III.—<i>The castle moat. +O'Malley in the ditch standing in a picturesque attitude.<br> +The Dutch General stands on the summit of a wall three feet high, and +leaning over<br> +the battlements—which tower to the height of three inches—hands<br> + O'Malley a pardon. Enter Tragic Heroine and everybody else.</i></p> + <p>TRAGIC HEROINE.—"O'MALLEY. I have saved you. Now save me. I +have just married ULICK. Kill him for me."</p> + <p>ULICK <i>and</i> O'MALLEY <i>accordingly slash each other +across the legs with their rapiers.</i> O'MALLEY <i>kills</i> ULICK <i>and +embraces the TRAGIC HEROINE. Everybody shouts "Hurroo!" and the curtain +falls.</i></p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/160.jpg" alt=""> + <p>EFFECT OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION UPON CERTAIN PARTIES +INTERESTED.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SARSFIELD YOUNG'S PANORAMA.</b></p> + <p>PART II.</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">THE ALPS.</p> + <p>These mountains, which are permanently located in Switzerland, +and favorably mentioned in all the geographies, are justly admired by +tourists for their grandeur, natural beauty, and good hotel +accommodations.</p> + <p>This is a view at sunrise, by one of the early painters. +Everything is up, but Mont Blanc is up more than his neighbors. The +whole landscape is bathed in the golden glories of the orb of day. A +bath in the morning is invigorating indeed.</p> + <p>These Peaks are clustered around in silent majesty. It looks +as though the entire PEAK family had come here and settled. These +snow-capped summits, wild ravines, mountain torrents, and the series of +crags which WILLIAM TELL was in the habit of addressing, are truly +soul-inspiring.</p> + <p>Here is a guide with his party. These guides are well-trained +men, who never bolt, but always go with their party—the ultramontane. +They are of high birth, and descended from the best Alpen Stock.</p> + <p>No one should pass the season in Switzerland without seeing +these mountains. They will repay a perusal.</p> + <p>While the prices may not be extravagant enough for Americans, +still, those who have scaled these noble elevations may well account +the prospect as one of the most striking features of a foreign climb.</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">A SCENE IN THE TROPICS.</p> + <p>This gorgeous painting brings before you all the luxuriance of +tropical vegetation. Magnolias and palm trees wave their heads proudly, +while bananas, oranges, and bread fruit abound in rank profusion. Here +the cane brake stretches away as far as the eye can reach (and to those +who are not near-sighted still farther), recalling those beautiful +lines of the poet:—</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Break, break, break!"</span><br> + <p>The broad river in the foreground, mountains melting away on +the horizon (that's because they're volcanic), and the sun broiling and +sizzling high up in the heavens, are deliciously blended together. Our +artist, full of perspiration (he can blend better than any man we ever +ployed), has seized upon a moment when all Nature seems to say: +("Steady there, what makes that canvas wriggle so?")</p> + <p>Notice the warmth of coloring; and see to what a high degree +of art the general effect is carried-about 90° Fahrenheit in the +shade. This picturesque object is an alligator basking in the sun. Our +advice to inexperienced travellers is: "Let him bask!"</p> + <p>These cotton fields, rice plantations, and the colored member +of Congress addressing his constituents on the right, all stamp this +scene as unmistakably Southern.</p> + <p>We will cancel the stamp and move on.</p> + <p>In our next we shall find that our artist has given himself +more latitude, say about eighty degrees North.</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">WINTER IN SPITSBERGEN.</p> + <p>Behold these regions of eternal ice and snow—miles upon miles +of frozen real estate. There is a great ice monopoly here. All, all is +blank; except the ship over in this corner. She is a prize. This is the +place to buy thermometers; you'll generally find them going very low. +The weather in this region is mostly day and night, but rather +irregularly divided between the two.</p> + <p>You see these people with rough beards and red shirts, looking +like New York firemen? You take one to be MOSE? You are right—they are +Esquimaux. They are a tough, and hardy race. Though not precisely +students, they yet consume the midnight oil—chiefly as a beverage.</p> + <p>This great work is the combined production of thirteen +artists; twelve of them, perishing in the attempt, were handsomely +buried at our expense; and the survivor is now keeping a bar, for his +own consumption, at St. Paul, Minnesota. He was compelled to lay aside +the brush, which accounts for the water in this corner not being +frozen, as the contract stipulated. But this allows the ship to which I +referred to float comfortably.</p> + <p>These small buildings are settlements. They are not so +frequent here as in New York or Chicago, where business men inform me +they occur about as often as—once in two years.</p> + <p>"Ice cream for sale," on this sign, has a flavor of +civilization in it.</p> + <p>Woman does not go to the poles here, although one of them is +only a few miles distant in a northerly direction, with excellent +sleighing.</p> + <p>I would make a passing allusion to this figure, introduced by +artist number nine, to please the young people. It represents a +Spitsbergen lover. He is clad in fur, and has a catarrh. He is just now +oh his sneeze, warbling hoarsely: "Rein deer in this bosom!"</p> + <p><i>(Sentimental strains from the melodeon.)</i></p> + <p style="text-align: center;">THE GRAND CANAL.</p> + <p>This is not the Erie Canal, but the Grand Canal of Venice. It +does not own so many mules, or forward so much corn and flour, as the +New York concern, but is more airy and picturesque. It is surrounded by +palaces; but what is a palace without a mother?</p> + <p>These swan-like men-of-war are gondolas. Our skipper is called +a gondolier. Every other skipper is called something worse than that if +he gets in our skipper's way. I respect a man's calling; that is, if he +follows it up energetically.</p> + <p>The Rialto, with its busy throngs.</p> + <p>The Bridge of Sighs, where Lord Byron is said to have stood on +either hand.</p> + <p>A group of native beggars. This man is blind. With this +Venetian blind we beg leave to close this scene.</p> + <p>SARSFIELD YOUNG.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Flesh-pots or Paris.</b></p> + <p>A late newspaper item states as follows:—</p> + <p>"The Archbishop of Paris has given permission to use +horse-flesh on fast days."</p> + <p>It is lucky for Mr. BONNER'S crack horses, then, that they are +not stabled in Paris just now, since they are all considered first-rate +for Fast days.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"SOAP"-STONES.</b>—Wall street "rocks."</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> <big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">A. T. STEWART & CO.</span></big><br> + <br> +ARE NOW OFFERING<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">SHAWL SUITS,</span><br> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ALPACA AND WINCEY SUITS</span><br> +IN ALL COLORS,<br> +$8; FORMERLY $12.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">POPLIN SUITS IN ALL COLORS,</span><br> +$15 EACH AND UPWARDS.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BLACK SILK SUITS,</span><br> +$50 EACH AND UPWARDS.<br> + <br> +An Elegant Assortment of<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">FRENCH AND IRISH POPLIN</span> +SUITS,<br> + <br> +IN EVERY VARIETY,<br> +AT POPULAR PRICES.<br> + <br> +SPECIAL ATTENTION IS PAID TO<br> +MOURNING ORDERS.<br> + <br> +CHOICE STYLES IN<br> +BOMBAZINES, BLACK EMPRESS,<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PARIS CLOTH and</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CASHMERE SUITS</span><br> +CONSTANTLY ON HAND.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, fourth Ave.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">9th and 10th Streets.</span><br> + </td> + <td rowspan="3" style="text-align: left;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <b>CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</b><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>"The Awakening,"</b></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) 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The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A. 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Below Former Cost,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, Fourth Ave.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">9th and 10th streets.</span><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"><span style="font-weight: bold;">VELVETS, +PLUSHES,</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Velveteens, Etc.</span><br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A. T. STEWART & CO.</span></big><br> + <br> +ARE RECEIVING<br> + <br> +BY EACH AND EVERY STEAMER,<br> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">A FULL SUPPLY OF CHOICE</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COLORS</span><br> + <br> +OF THE ABOVE-NAMED GOODS,<br> + <br> +FORMING THE LARGEST ASSORTMENT<br> +EVER EXHIBITED IN THIS CITY,<br> + <br> +WHICH THEY OFFER AT RETAIL AND TO THE<br> +TRADE,<br> + <br> +AT EXTREMELY<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">ATTRACTIVE PRICES,</span></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, Fourth Ave.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">9th and 10th Sts.</span><br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="3" width="66%"> + <center> <img src="images/162.jpg" alt=""> + <p>EXERCISE IS A GOOD THING FOR BOYS; BUT IT IS RATHER "TOO MUCH +OF A GOOD THING" WHEN PUSHED TO THE EXTENT OF MAKING YOUR ENTRANCE-GATE +A JUDGE'S STAND FOR A FOOT-RACE BETWEEN BOYS.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><br> + <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<br> + </small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><b>IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST +COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</b></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <b>For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, +NASHVILLE, MOBILE,<br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b><br> + <small>VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24,<br> +BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH,<br> +IS NOW READY.</small></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">PRICE $2.50.</span><br> + <small>Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</span><br> +83 Nassau Street, New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="30%" align="center"> + <p>PROFESSOR JAMES DE MILLE,</p> + <p>Author of</p> + <p>"THE DODGE CLUB ABROAD"<br> + <small>AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS,</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Will Commence a New Serial</p> + <p>IN THE NUMBER OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"</big></big></p> + <p>FOR</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">January 7th, 1871,</p> + <p>Written expressly for this paper.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="25%" align="center"> + <p><b>138 & 140</b><br> +FULTON STREET,<br> +NEW YORK.</p> + <br> +Overcoats, $6.<br> +Overcoats, $8.<br> +Overcoats, $10.<br> +Overcoats, $15.<br> +Overcoats, $20.<br> +Overcoats, $25.<br> +Overcoats, $30.<br> +Overcoats, $35.<br> +Overcoats, $40.<br> +Overcoats, $45.<br> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">FREEMAN & +BURR'S</span></big><br> +CLOTHING WAREHOUSES.</p> + <p><small>FREEMAN & BURR'S Stock is of unparalleled +extent and variety. It embraces Suits, Overcoats, and Clothing of every +description, for all ages, and all classes and occasions.</small></p> + <p><small>ORDERS BY LETTER.—The easy and accurate system +for SELF-MEASURE, introduced by FREEMAN & BURR, enables parties in +any part of the country to order CLOTHING direct from them, with the +certainty of receiving the most PERFECT FIT attainable.</small></p> + <p><small>RULES FOR SELF-MEASURE, Samples of Goods, +Price-list, and Fashion Sheet, sent FREE on application.</small></p> + </td> + <td width="25%" align="center"> + <p><b>138 & 140</b><br> +FULTON STREET,<br> +NEW YORK.</p> + <br> +Winter Suits, $12.<br> +Winter Suits, $15.<br> +Winter Suits, $20.<br> +Winter Suits, $30.<br> +Winter Suits, $40.<br> +Winter Suits, $50.<br> +Boys' Suits, $6.<br> +Boys' Suits, $8.<br> +Boys' Suits, $12.<br> +Boys' Suits, $18.<br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><big><b>A CHRISTMAS STORY,</b></big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Written expressly for this +Paper,</big></p> + <p>By FRANK R. STOCKTON,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Author of "Ting-a-ling," etc., etc.,</p> + <p>WILL BE COMMENCED IN No. 38, FOR DECEMBER 17TH,<br> +AND CONCLUDED IN THREE NUMBERS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 36, December +3, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 36 *** + +***** This file should be named 10292-h.htm or 10292-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/9/10292/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 36, December 3, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 26, 2003 [EBook #10292] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 36 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, | + | on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER, | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. 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Specimen | + | copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +MAN AND WIVES. + +A TRAVESTY. + +By MOSE SKINNER. + +CHAPTER SECOND. + +LOVE. + +The Hon. MICHAEL LADLE and ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP were interrupted in their +conversation by BELINDA, who sent off the former under pretence that the +croquet players were waiting for him, or, as she expressed it, it was +"his turn to mallet." + +As soon as he was fairly out of sight, she turned to ARCHIBALD, and +said; "Come with me." + +"What for?" said ARCHIBALD, as she seized him by the arm and hurried him +into the shrubbery. "Recollect," he added, "that I am an orphan, with a +constitution never robust." + +She made no reply till they were screened from observation. + +"You needn't be afraid, you little fool," she said. "Sit down on that +stump." + +ARCHIBALD tremblingly obeyed her. + +She imprisoned his fluttering hand in hers, and smoothed his hair +reassuringly. + +"ARCHIE," she murmured; "_dear_ ARCHIE." + +"Oh, don't, _don't_ talk that way," said ARCHIBALD. "You make me afraid +of you." + +"Afraid!" she returned. "And of _me_? Oh cruel, cruel ARCHIBALD. Is it +for this that I have passed many a sleepless night, awaking unrefreshed +with haggard orbs? Is it for this that I've pined away and refused meat +victuals?" + +She paused. Her heart was beating violently. She took from her pocket a +copy of the _Ledger_, adjusted her eye-glasses, and continued: + +"ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP, for weeks I have basked in the sunlight of your +existence. Your celestial smile, shedding a tranquil calm o'er my +perturbed spirit, has been my daily sustenance. Your ethereal form, +beautiful as an houri, has, with its subtle fascination, enthralled and +steeped in bliss my innermost soul, lifting me as it were into a purer, +a holier existence. Your--" + +"Oh-h," moaned the wretched ARCHIBALD, "_please_ stop. That's COBB, Jr. +I _know_ it is. When I was sea-sick on the canal, they read a chapter to +me just like that, instead of giving me an emetic, and I was out of my +head all next day." + +"But you _do_ love me, don't you, ARCHIBALD?--just a very small +fragment, you know." + +She seized him by the ear and kissed him twice. + +"Come, own up now," said she, "that from the first moment you saw me, +you have felt a sort of a spooney hankering, and a general looseness, +including a desire to write poetry and use hair-oil, and wear pretty +neckties; a sort of a feeling that your clothes don't fit you, and you +can't bear the sight of gravy, and dote on lavender kids, and want to +part your hair in the middle. _That's_ being in love, ARCHIE. That's--" + +At this juncture voices were heard calling for ARCHIBALD. + +"Oh, do, _do_ let me go," he pleaded. + +BELINDA grasped him firmly by the collar. "Heaven knows," said she +impressively, "that I have wooed you thus far in a spirit of the most +delicate consideration. Now, I mean business, I want a husband, and by +the Sixteenth Amendment, you don't stir from this spot, until you +promise to marry me!" + +"But--but--I don't want to get married," said ARCHIBALD; "I--I--ain't +old enough." + +She glared at him menacingly. + +"Am I to understand then," she shrieked, "that you dare refuse me?" And +she laughed hysterically. + +"Oh, no, no. I wouldn't. Of course I wouldn't," groaned the ghastly +youth. "I'll promise _anything_, if you'll only let me go." + + +Thus it was, mid the hushed repose of that lovely June twilight, while +all Nature seemed to pronounce a sweet benediction, that these loving +hearts commingled. The soft hum of the June-bug seemed to have a sweeter +sound, and the little fly walked unmolested across their foreheads, for +they were betrothed. + + +CHAPTER THIRD. + +WHERE THE WOODBINE TWINETH. + +Notwithstanding the thrilling events enacted near by, that modest +production of Nature, the woodbine, still continued to twine in all its +pristine virginity. And meanwhile, JEFFRY MAULBOY is at the appointed +rendezvous, waiting for ANN BRUMMET. + +She comes. + +But why that glazed expression, and that convulsive twitching of the +lips? + +She is chewing gum. + +"Hilloa, JEFF," said she. "Mean thing. Been here a whole day, and not a +single word about my new overskirt. How does it hang behind?" + +What reply does this cruel, this heartless man make? + +He took a chew of tobacco, and said: + +"Oh, bother your overskirt. Is that the 'something very particular' you +wanted to see me for?" + +"Oh no," she replied; "I forgot." She looked cautiously round, and +added: + +"Say, JEFF, folks are talking about us awfully." + +"Let 'em talk," was the rejoinder. + +"Oh, yes," she replied. "Of course _you_ don't care. The more a man is +talked about the better he likes it, and the more he's thought of. But +it's death to a woman." + +"Well, I don't care any way," said JEFFRY. + +"Yes you do care too," she replied. S'posen it should get to the ears of +that rich widow you're engaged to. 'Twould be all up with you _there_, +sure, JEFF. She ain't burdened with principle, the Lord knows, but she's +got jealousy enough to break the match short off, and kill you besides, +if she hears of it. + +"And she'll hear of it anyhow, if they keep up their infernal clack," +said he fiercely. "I'd like to choke the whole confounded pack." + +"The talk would all die out," said ANN slowly, "if I should go away." + +"Any fool can see that," replied he. "What do you mean?" + +"I've been thinking of going," she continued, "for six months. I'm a +poor relation, and Mrs. LADLE hates me. And as for BELINDA, she has so +many good clothes, I can't take any comfort seeing her round." + +"Where to?" inquired JEFFRY incredulously. + +"Oh, anywhere," she replied. "I can dance a jig, you know. I'll go to +New York, and let myself as the 'Eminent and Graceful Queen of +Terpsichore, imported from Paris at a cost of Forty Thousand Dollars in +Gold.' And then I'll make a tour of the New England States. Or I'll +learn to play the banjo and get off slang phrases, and then I'll appear +as 'The Beautiful and Gifted Artist, ANNETTA BRUMMETTA, who has, by her +guileless vivacity, charmed our most Fashionable Circles.' Or I'll go as +Assistant Teacher in a Select Boarding School for Young Ladies. I ain't +proud, you know." + +JEFFRY grinned. "Let me advise you," said he, "to go right off +to-morrow. I'll help you pack your trunk inside of an hour, if you say +so." + +"That ain't the point," she retorted sharply. "I ain't got rid of so +easily as _that_, I tell you." + +"What do you mean by that?" he inquired, with a scowl. + +"I mean just this," she returned. "I won't go at all if you don't do +what's right by me. If you'll agree to my terms I'll go, and not +without." + +"Your _terms_!" said he, with a sneer. "Well, that _is_ a go. What may +your 'terms' be?" he continued, derisively. + +"Marriage," replied she; "private if you say so, and a remittance of +fifty dollars a month for six months." + +He laughed in her face. "Marry _you_? Well, I guess not," said he. "Do +you take me for an idiot?" + +"You ain't obliged to stick by it," she continued. "We're in Indiana, +ain't we? We'll take a minister and a lawyer along with us. While the +minister is marrying us, the lawyer can be at work on the divorce +papers. When you are JEFFRY MAULBOY again, a single man, and I'm once +more ANN BRUMMET. spinster, I'll go away and never trouble you again. +There's no risk. I go in ANN BRUMMET, and come out ANN BRUMMET, all +inside of two hours, and there's nobody to tell of it. The lawyer and +minister are used to it, you see, and the secret's safe with _them_." + +JEFFRY MAULBOY took an unusually large chew of tobacco, and thought it +all over. + +"I won't do it," he finally said. + +"All right, then," she replied; "I'll write to Mrs. CUPID and tell her +the whole story, and I'll stay here besides. It'll be hard enough on me +for a while if I go, and harder still if I stay; but I'll do it to +_spite you_. I'll break off your match with Mrs. CUPID if I _do_ stay, +now mark my words." + +JEFFRY MAULBOY walked back and forth, and emitted the choicest string +of curses that his extensive and valuable collection enabled him to +cull. At last he stopped in front of her, and said savagely: + +"I'll do it. But if you ever lisp a word to any living soul till I'm +safely married to CUPID, I'll kill you, dead sure. Do you hear that?" + +"When and how is the thing to be done?" he growled again. + +"The sooner the better," was ANN'S reply. "If you don't hear from me by +to-morrow noon, go to the Half-way House at Forney's Crag. That's all +_you've_ got to do. I'll have the lawyer and minister both there. +_You'd_ better be there too. That's all I say." + +Alone in his room, JEFFRY admitted that ANN had been too smart for him. + +"And I'm mighty afraid that, somehow or other, the old she-dragon will +get the best of me yet in this infernal business," he soliloquized. +"Anyhow, I'll sleep on it," and he went to bed. + +He got up in the morning, firmly resolved to break his engagement with +ANN. + +"She was only bluffing me last night," he said. "She daren't tell +CUPID." But he didn't feel easy for all that. + +After breakfast he took his hat and started out. + +"Where are you bound, JEFF?" inquired ARCHIBALD. + +"Anywhere," was the reply. "Come along." + +JEFFRY was awful dull company, so Archibald thought. He took very large +chews of tobacco, and expectorated freely into the eyes of the small +boys whom they chanced to meet, and if he didn't make a good shot, he +swore awfully. Once he went away across a field on purpose to kick a +very small dog, and ARCHIBALD waited for him. + +"Why, JEFFRY," said ARCHIBALD, "what ails you? You're awfully down in +the mouth this morning." + +"And so you'd be if you was in my boots," was the reply. + +And then he up and told ARCHIBALD the whole story. + +The latter was so thoroughly dumbfounded that a decently-smart boy could +have blown him over without any apparent effort. + +"Why, JEFF," said he, "only to think of it. Ain't it awful? And ANN +BRUMMET, too; ain't I glad it ain't me, though." + +"That's no way to console a fellow, you fool," said JEFFRY. "You'd +better offer to help me out of the scrape." + +"Why, so I will, of course," said ARCHIBALD. "If I hadn't saved your +life, of course you wouldn't have got into it; and so I feel bound, you +know, to see you out of it. What shall I do?" + +"Why, just go over to the Half-way House, and tell ANN I can't come. +Tell her I've got the small-pox, or broke my leg, or my old man's +dying--or anything, so that she understands I can't come." + +"You'd better give me a letter," said ARCHIBALD, "and I'll slip it under +her door and run off. I never could remember all that, I should be so +flustered, you know." + +"No," replied JEFFRY, "I shan't give you any letter. I ain't fool enough +to commit myself to any woman in black and white." + +"Well," replied ARCHIBALD drearily, "just as you say. Oh, what a knowing +man the Hon. MICHAEL is! He said you'd make me pay that debt of saving +your life, sooner or later, and it's turned out sooner. But I'll go, +JEFFRY, if I can get away from BELINDA. She tags me round everywhere, +and wants to court me all the time. Ain't it dreadful? What time shall I +go?" + +"Three o'clock," answered JEFFRY. "Tell her I'd come if I could but I +can't _anyhow_. Be sure and tell her _that_, and anything else you've a +mind to." + +(To be continued.) + + * * * * * + +PIGEON ENGLISH. + +Certainly newspaper writers are given to making very remarkable +statements. In describing General CHANGARNIER, a newspaper lately +informed us that "he stoops his head, which is sprinkled over with a few +gray hairs when walking." Now, if the general's head be sprinkled when +walking, we may fairly infer that the gray hairs, unless brushed off, +remain upon it when it stands still. We are additionally mystified by +the further statement--still with reference to the same officer--that +"he enjoys the personal demeanor of the French people to a remarkable +degree." This we are very much delighted to hear, although we have not +the slightest idea what it means. + + * * * * * + +Corroborative. + +A late item of war news states that "the Prussians have advanced to +Dole," while from several other sources we learn that the Prussians have +come to Grief. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Ambergris_.--Can you give me the motto of the City of Strasbourg? + +_Answer_.--We cannot at this moment recall the Flemish version of it, +but it means, in English, "We make our own Pies." + +_Katrina Shwachenzittern_. We have had some difficulty in deciphering +your manuscript. Your grievance, however, seems to be that one of your +boarders, an Alsatian, keeps a ten-pound brass cannon in his bedroom, +and fires a grand salvo with it whenever a French victory is announced. +This, of course, is very foolish. The best way of putting a stop to it +would be for your German boarders to keep guns of even larger calibre in +their rooms, and fire the Frenchman down. You will then have a perfect +right to charge all your boarders for extra fires. + +_Ney_.--Please explain two things about the war. First: How did the +Mobile Guard come to leave Mobile? Second: Is _Francs-Tireurs_ the +French for FRANK BUTLER'S black-and-tan terriers? + +_Answer_.--We cannot perceive much difference between NEY and BRAY. + +_Artichoke_.--You are mistaken in supposing total deafness to be an +indispensable qualification in a candidate for the position of prompter +to a theatre. + +_Flippertygibbet_.--How is the belligerent attitude of the Russian Bear +likely to affect the New York money market? + +_Answer_.--Turn a rushin' bear into any market, and see what the result +will be. + +_Paterfamilias_.--I am the unhappy father of three brace of twins, and +wish to dispose of one out of each brace. Can you advise me in the +matter? + +_Answer_.--If you don't mind being put in the Lockup, perhaps you had +better apply to "Dr." LOOKUP. + +_Sad-you-See_.--We cannot sympathize with you in your wail about the +markets being "flat." Wait a while, patiently, and they will come +"round." + +_Peter Dole_.--Your questions about cooking turkeys for Thanksgiving Day +are so multitudinous, that we can only reply to them generally. In +Europe it is the usage for Crowned Heads and their families, only, to +eat sausages with their turkey; and, if ever the true story of the Man +with the Iron Mask comes to be unveiled, it is more than likely that the +mystery will be found to hinge upon that fact. + + * * * * * + +A PRESIDENTIAL FLOUT. + +According to the Washington special despatches to the _Philadelphia +Inquirer_, the President has tendered a Cabinet appointment to several +distinguished members of the Union League of that city. Either from +excessive modesty, however, or, as is probable, from prudent doubts as +to their ability to fill the position, all of these gentlemen have +declined to accept the offer. + +It is surmised that the object of the President's recent visit to +Philadelphia (ostensibly to see his old friend, Mr. BORIE), was to +examine the roll of the League, comprising two thousand members, for the +purpose of selecting one who might serve on a pinch to fill the office +in question. + +This was a bitter stroke of satire on the part of Mr. GRANT, since it is +generally understood in Philadelphia, that, outside the ranks of the +Mutual Admiration Society to which we have referred, there are no brains +to be found among the Republicans of Philadelphia. + + + * * * * * + +A Bubble of Air. + +What is the most favorable sort of weather for ballooning? + +_Highly_ favorable weather. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE THREE CENTS. + +An Incident both Dramatic and True. + +SLINEY, OF SWAMPVILLE, COMES TO THE CITY. AS HE SHAMBLES ALONG THREE +BRIGHT CENTS FALL AT HIS FEET. AMAZEMENT OF SLINEY, WHO GAZES UP AT AN +OPEN WINDOW, BUT, NOT SEEING ANY PERSON THERE, SUPPOSES THAT SHOWERS OF +COPPERS ARE PECULIAR TO THE CLIMATE. + +HAVING POCKETED THE COINS, SLINEY PROCEEDS UPON HIS WAY. HARDLY HAS HE +GONE A DOZEN PACES WHEN THREE CENTS AGAIN RING DOWN UPON THE +FLAG-STONES, AND SPARKLE THERE IN THE SUN. DELIGHT OF SLINEY, WHO AGAIN +GAZES UP SMILINGLY AT THIRD-STORY WINDOWS, HOLDING OUT HIS HAT AS IF TO +ASK FOR MORE. + +AGAIN SLINEY PROCEEDS TO POCKET THE COINS. BUT, HA!--WHAT IS THIS? HIS +COUNTENANCE CHANGES: HIS LONG BONY FINGERS NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME DETECT +THE FATAL FLAW IN HIS TROUSERS POCKET. 'TWAS HIS ORIGINAL CAPITAL, +BROUGHT BY HIM FROM SWAMPVILLE TO INVEST IN STOCKS, THAT HE HAS BEEN +PICKING UP ALL ALONG. AGONY OF SLINEY, WHICH IS AGGRAVATED BY THE RIBALD +LAUGHTER OF SOME WICKED PERSONS WHO HAVE THROWN THEMSELVES UPON HIS +TRACK.] + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST BOSTON NOTION. + +The well-earned reputation acquired by Boston for leading the world in +new ideas is so thoroughly established as to need no recapitulation +here. We merely speak of it for the purpose of mentioning that city's +last contribution to mankind, of this kind. They have a hotel there +which advertises through the seductive fly-pages of our magazines in the +following terms: "Courtesy to strangers is a marked feature in the +management of--" + +But we remember in time that we have no right to interfere with the +advertising columns. However, it is a fact that there is a hotel in +America where courtesy to guests is a feature, and of course a marked +one. It is a cheering fact, and especially so just now, in this early +fall, when we are all smarting with the fresh memories of our summer's +sufferings at the hands of the hotel proprietors, their head clerks, and +the rest of the rapacious crew. What an attractive picture it presents! +A hotel where guests are treated with courtesy! Really, if anything +could seduce us into making a visit to Boston, the desire to actually +witness this surprising innovation upon our national customs would prove +too strong for the reverential fear which keeps us distant worshippers +of that American Mecca. + + * * * * * + +Odious Comparison. + +"She is a gem," remarked Mr. JENKINSOP, speaking of his red-haired wife. + +"Yes--a diamond of many carats," was the low rejoinder of JENKINSOP'S +friend, WINKLESOP. + + * * * * * + +ROYAL DEMOCRACY. + +It appears to have been decided that one of the royal princesses of +England can be allowed to marry, without being obliged to find some +royal prince for that purpose. Perhaps this course has been discovered +to be possible from the fact that the stock of royal princes is getting +short in Europe. Prussia has gobbled up any number of German ones, and +bids fair to do so with the rest. But we prefer to think that this +innovation is really due to the women's rights movement. Their platform +is broad enough for the entire sex to stand on, and why should a +princess, from the unfortunate accident of her birth, be debarred her +natural right to fall in love with the man of her choice, and to marry +the man she loves. At any rate we commend this change of policy to the +leaders of the women's rights party, as a proof of the success their +movement has gained, and advise them to send a series of congratulatory +resolutions to the princess in question, upon her gaining her +unquestioned right to consult her heart rather than a Lord Chancellor in +the bestowal of her hand. + + * * * * * + +An Anecdote from Salt Lake. + +A GYPSY came to BRIGHAM YOUNG with a pony for sale. + +"Why, the beast is half-starved," said BRIGHAM, running his hand over +the pony's side. "You can count his ribs." + +"That's more'n a chap could do with yours," retorted the gypsy. + +BRIGHAM YOUNG did not buy that pony. + + * * * * * + +NATURAL HISTORY IN OUR PARKS. + +No greater tribute has yet been paid to the already improved condition +of our city parks under the new _regime_, than the arrival in them of +strange birds by which they had not hitherto been patronized. Within a +few days past several owls have been captured in the solemn pines with +which these delightful retreats have lately been made green, if not +shady. The owl, as is well known, was regarded by the ancients as the +Bird of Wisdom. He fully sustained his right to the title by letting +severely alone the city parks while they were still dreary and +disgusting wastes. The only night-birds by which these were, then +occupied were of the featherless (and apparently motherless) kind, and +were well known to the police. They were quite as watchful, it is true, +as the genuine feathered owl that has just commenced to give its very +extraordinary countenance to the parks, but then it was with other +people's watches, not their own. It is with much concern that we hear +reports of the slaughter of some of these solemn but beautiful owls that +have come to ventilate their wisdom among us. The reports in question +were very definite and unmistakable, most of them proceeding from +revolvers handled by members of the Municipal Police Force, while others +emanated from the barrels of shot-guns wielded by beery Teutons, who +rushed frantically out from their sawdust lairs when they were told that +the game was up--that is, that an owl was up a tree. This was scurvy +treatment for the visitors. To "put a head on" an owl, which is already +provided with one so large and so comical, appears to be a work both +superfluous and inhuman. The only apology for it in this instance is, +that these night-birds of prey were supposed by the police to have been +attracted to the parks by the prospect of succulent suppers on the very +well-fed sparrows by which these resorts are now thickly tenanted. The +owls hooted at this notion; but their hooting was only answered by +shooting, and the poor foolish Birds of Wisdom have been stuffed with +tow instead of sparrows, and set up to form the nucleus of an +ornithological Rogues' Gallery in the City Hall. + +On visiting the Battery a few days ago, one of the park-keepers (himself +looking in his bright new uniform somewhat like a blue-jay) expressed +his conviction that, next spring, that time-honored pleasure-garden of +the old Knickerbockers will be a paradise for song-birds such as it has +not been since the original Swedish Nightingale warbled her "woodnotes +wild" there a score of years ago, more or less. The sea-gulls, he +thought (will Judge HILTON have the goodness to provide these park +officers with manuals of ornithology?), would build their nests in the +pine-trees with which the wide esplanade that stretches away to the +water's edge will soon be bristling. Honest, but mistaken young man! As +well might he have said that the sea-wall [a very substantial one, by +the way] would build its nest in the melancholy pines. But it is +reasonable to hope that pine grossbeaks will find their way thither, and +that the German flutes of various finches will provide for the coming +Bavarians and Hessians (should any be left after the siege of Paris and +the _sorties_ of the truculent TROCHU) a welcome such as has not +heretofore been accorded to the strangers who at Castle Garden first set +foot upon our shore. + +The Bowling Green--late a nuisance and a pandemonium, now an oasis of +verdure--has not as yet reported its owl, but the public eye is upon it, +and the nocturnal marauder may yet be detected in the forks of the great +willow-trees, which still retain their verdure. The sparrows are almost +disproportionately numerous in this small park, but this may be +accounted for. It has lately been laid down with new grass, the green, +tender blades of which, just now beginning to crop out, are probably +mistaken by the birds for "sparrow-grass" munificently provided for them +by the Commissioners. + +In all of these city parks the contrast between past and present is very +striking and agreeable. But a few short months ago they were the +domiciles and dormitories of outcast roughs and vagrants of the worst +description, whose "'owls," as a Cockney explorer observed, "made night +'ideous." The only muss now common to them is the _mus_ tribe, +comprising the _mus ratus_, or ordinary rat (so called from its haunting +ordinaries, we suppose), and the timid mouse, with which the Bird of +Wisdom is contented to put up when the sparrows decline to come to his +claw. + +Central Park offers numerous attractions now to all who love to keep up +their animal spirits by studying animal life. There is a fat little +Asiatic pig there, who is the very picture of content. A red pig he is, +and exceedingly well behaved. The best red pig, in fact, that we +remember ever to have seen, beating the learned pig by several trumps +and an ace. When we last saw him he was very busy with his pen, and our +surmise was that his mind was fully occupied with arrangements for +editing the works of BACON, or, possibly, those of HOGG. + +The young elephant has increased immensely, since last year, in stature +and girth. He is remarkably neat in his person, wisping himself all over +with hay for hours at a time. Whether he does this for cleanliness or to +obtain a flavor of elephant for the hay is doubtful, however, for he +always eats it after having made use of it as a flesh-brush for a good +while. Notices requesting visitors "not to feed or annoy the animals" +are posted on the compartments. In the case of the elephant, though, it +might be as well also to caution persons against making jokes about his +trunk--a low kind of ribaldry in which every carpet-bagger, who never +had one, seems to think himself bound to indulge. + +There is a cinnamon bear in one of the outside cages, whose claws remind +one sharply that cinnamon and cloves go together, and that clove is a +tense of the verb "to cleave." But we do not want such a fellow as that +to cleave to us, since it is evident that a grocer kind of brute than a +cinnamon bear cannot be found in all the ursine family. "Sugar and +spice, and all things nice," are stated in song to be the materials that +"little girls are made of," but if we thought that cinnamon bear figured +upon the list of groceries thus used for modelling young maidens, we +would either fly to the desert with Dr. MARY WALKER or immure ourselves +in a nunnery with SUSAN B. ANTHONY, and all the other females of the +anti-sugar-and-spice persuasion. + +Fattest of all the beasts in the Central Park collection is the larger +of the two grizzly bears. From the easy way in which he takes life, he +reminds one of a successful politician, who had worked his way up from +being a slim and impecunious "repeater" to the position of Alderman, or +Custom House official, and President of the Fat Men's Club. There is a +drunken leer in this beast's eye, an inebriate roll in all his +movements, that lead one mechanically to peer into the darkness of his +den with the view of seeing what the Bar fixings are like. It would be a +rare freak to treat the huge fellow to a cask of rum and sugar, and then +stand by with a comic artist, and take down for PUNCHINELLO the traits +of BRUIN the Grizzly on a "bender," and with all his repressed nature +brought out by the strong drink. + +"Carnivorium" is the word now properly applied by the Park authorities +to the establishment in which the wild beasts are kept. That is, the +term will be correct when applied only to the particular department +allotted to the fierce flesh-devouring animals. At present camels are +accommodated in the Carnivorium, and so are cows, which is a sort of +slur upon the habits of these poor innocent vegetarians. The new word, +however, is likely to find considerable extension, and if any provider +for the public maw should choose hereafter to call his dining-saloon a +Carnivorium, none would have a right to cavil at him on philological +grounds, at least. + +By and by the Park will have a new and sensational attraction. The +antediluvian monsters of that great FRANKENSTEIN of the period, Mr. +WATERHOUSE HAWKINS, will soon be advanced enough to "give fits" to the +nursery-maids and their tender charges. Accipitrine in features as in +name, Mr. HAWKINS is a living illustration of the Darwinian theory. +Certainly his remote ancestors must have been of the falcon family. He +revels in birds; though, when he cannot obtain those, he can put up with +lizards, which he usually prefers manufactured, and of a length not less +than from sixty to one hundred feet. This reminds us that a saurian of a +hundred feet should not be confounded with a centipede. + +It will be seen, then, that the landscape-gardens of our great city are +in a fair way of being able to afford some illustrations for students of +Natural History more interesting than the oyster-shells and old boots +with which most of them have hitherto been stocked. + + * * * * * + +FRUIT FOR BALLOONISTS. Currents in the air. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FASHION CORRESPONDENTS REPORT THAT "NETS ARE TO BE WORN +MUCH LONGER." PUNCHINELLO SUGGESTS, THEN, THAT THEY MIGHT BE PROFITABLY +ADAPTED FOR CATCHING FISH AS WELL AS BEAUX.] + + * * * * * + +THE AVERAGE THANKSGIVING. + +NINE O'CLOCK A.M. + + I'm thankful I was bright enough, this year, + To have my turkey bought a week ahead! + Oh, what a bird it is! 'Twas awful dear,-- + But, thank the Lord! the turkey's been well fed. + +TEN O'CLOCK A.M. + + There! I've forgot the oysters. Thank the Lord, + There's time enough with early church; Old GRIMES, + I hope, will pity us to-day; he's bored + A hungry crowd so many, many times. + +ELEVEN O'CLOCK A.M. + + Oh, what a crowd! Hallo! Another man! + Well, thank the Lord, 'twill be a change, at least; + I s'pose he'll aggravate us all he can: + And that's _so_ easy just before a feast. + +TWELVE O'CLOCK M. + +Oh, what a bore! He's worse than Grimes by half; + So slow!--That turkey will be done to rags!-- +I'm famished! I could eat the fatted calf. + There! Thank the Lord! He's winding up; he fags. + +ONE P.M. + + Give me the knife. Be quick, my love, be quick! + I never was so hungry in my life! + Well, thank the Lord, that tedious old stick + _Did_ let us off.--Oh, hang this carving-knife! + +TWO P.M. + + I wish I had not eaten quite so much; + But, really, the mince-pie was _so_ prime! + You gave it just the real, old, fancy touch. + There! (Thank the Lord, I got the meat in time.) + +THREE P.M. + + My eyes! how sleepy I have grown since noon! + Some wine or music, now, would make me gay; + Come, ANNA, let us have a little tune-- + There! thank the Lord, there's no more work to-day. + +FOUR P.M. + + What was it, ANNA? I was sound asleep; + I rather think I had the nightmare, too. + I feel half sick; cold chills around me creep. + Well, thank the Lord, Thanksgiving is all through! + + * * * * * + +A Pen and an Inkling. + +A certain HERR BISSENGER, of Pforzhelm, has presented BISMARCK with a +golden pen, set with jewels, with which to sign the treaty after the +capture of Paris. Foresight is well enough in its way; but if the treaty +which is to end this war is not a very different one from any BISMARCK +has yet suggested, penning his signature to it will be merely a +preliminary to his repentance for being so short-sighted as not to see +that Sedan, not Paris, was the place at which to make a lasting peace. + + * * * * * + +A Chance for Metaphysicians to be Useful. + +The German metaphysicians who have been so long bothering the world with +reports of their searches after the undiscoverable, should now exercise +whatever skill they have gained in this pursuit, in looking for signs of +republican protest in Germany against the growing tyranny of their +Prussian masters. Such a course would do their own country good, and, if +successful, would be most grateful to the rest of the world. + + * * * * * + +A Twist of the Cable. + +Telegrams per cable state that "VON DER TANN is retreating"--also that +"a Prussian bark has been blown up." + +Combining these two statements, we obtain an excellent quality of Tan +Bark, which may or may not be suggestive of further "Hidings" of the +Prussians by the French. + + * * * * * + +Grant-ed. + +Recent disclosures concerning the President's Cabinet would go to show +that this piece of administrative furniture is a cabinet with Drawers. + + * * * * * + +Bad for their Health. + +Travel is so impeded by the terrible state of affairs at present +existing in France, that the Prussians cannot take Tours. + + * * * * * + +New Occupation for the President. + +A display heading in the _World_ of November 18th has the following +astounding line:-- + +"GRANT cuts SCHURZ." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NONE THE BETTER FOR TOO MUCH NURSING. + +_Dr. W.G. Bryant._--"MR. KELLEY, THAT POOR CHILD PENNSYLVANIA HAS BEEN +FED TOO EXCLUSIVELY WITH PIG-IRON PAP. SUPPOSE YOU TRY SOME OF MY +FREE-TRADE MIXTURE, AND SEE IF THAT WON'T RESTORE IT TO HEALTH."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN SURPRISED. + +His Fellow-Citizens Present Him with a Silver Tea Service. + +When the Hon. BILL SOOWARD allers gets home from a voyige, the sitezens +of Auburn give him a warm recepshen. + +When Goyenor HOFFMAN visits the home of his childhood days, a +spontaneous bust of friendship throws her lovin embrace about him. + +When a few sundry other peeple, whose names shall be nameless in this +communication, have arroven to their long home on tother side of the +River Sticks, they will get a recepshen so warm, that, settin on top a +red hot koal stove and sokin their feet in a kittle full of b'iling +water, will be full as cheerin to 'em as a Mint Jewlip is to an +inhabitant of the Equinoxial line. + +Recepshens and presentashens bein the order of the day, I took it into +my head, a short time since, to have my feller sitizens of Skeansboro' +give me some of it. + +Consekently I hired 1/2 dozen of my nabors, whom I supposed wouldent +make turnal fools of their selves, to call at the Old Green manshon with +a crowd of peeple, at the hour when I was supposed to be to bed, for the +purpuss of presentin me with a silver tea sarvice, which our Joowiler +had lent me for the occasion. I writ up an impromptu speech, and +practiced it for over a week, out in my barn, so as to be reddy for the +cerprise. + +My 3 oldest darters had agreed to be dressed up in white, representen +the 3 graces--Faith, Hope, & Charity--and arrangin their selfs in a +tabloo in the back parler, they was to throw open the foldin doors at a +signal from me. I also tride to get my wife to rig up; says she: + +"Me rig up? No, sir! I wouldent encourage sich a lot of tom foolery to +save your consarned neck. And I know of a sartin Old Noosants who'l +ketch Hail Columbia if he musses up these ere parlers to freely." + +The noosants referred to was no doubt the undersined; I know it was. + +Mariar was allers full of pet names, and this was one of them. + +When she called me pet names, I dident stop to argue with her. It is no +use; shee'l allers have the last word, if she sets up all nite for a +week for it. You mite just as well try to make Bosting fokes think the +hul United States don't resolve around Masserchussetts Bay and Bosting +Common once every 24 times an hour, as to undertake to stop a womans +clack when she gets on a talkin fit. + +The appinted nite came, and I was standin behind the winder curten, +peekin out the upper hall winder, anxiusly awaitin the arrival of the +crowd. + +All of a sudden a percession, hove in site, headed by a drum and fife. +Their onsartin way of marchin, by gettin their legs mixed all up +together, made me think that by the time they got up to my house, the +painful duty would devolve on to me of goin down and getten their legs +ontangled. + +The fifer was continually mistakin his head for a drum stick, as he fell +over and let it strike vilently agin the sheep skin head of the base +drum. Whilst the drummer, hisself, was mistakin evry bodys head for his +musikle instrument, as he dealt out blows rite and left, to all who come +within hittin distance of his intossicated drum sticks. + +Arrivin before my domisil, the leeder sung out and says: + +"Now boys (hic!) let's rattle up bald head, (hic!) if old +2-and-ninepence don't (hic!) shell out with his 'freshments, we'll +(hic!) smash this 'ere borrered tea sarvice over his (hic!) figger +head." Sayin which he gives the door bell a yank, which was enuff to +pull the roof off from over our heads. + +Slippin on my red nite cap, I poked my head out of my winder, and in +fained cerprise, Bays to 'em: + +"My good peeple, what's the meanin of this demon-stration?" + +"A lot of fellers, who you hired to come and pay you a visit, has got +here. So come down and let us in, old hoss," says a voice. + +I went down stairs, with doubts in my mind as to the way the thing would +turn out. + +Unboltin the door, the assemblige filed in. A casual glance convinced me +that I was not receivin into the buzzum of my family manshon a +deputashun from the Skeensboro Lodge of Good Templers, for a skalier lot +of whiskey-soked human beins I never sot eyes on. + +There was JOB BIGLER, who useter leed the Skeensboro brick meetin house +quire, tryin to pick his teeth with the corner of a pictur-frame, while +standin before the lookin glass was WILLYAM DUNBAR vainly endevorin to +ascertain if he was the Siameese Twins, or else was the lookin-glass a +double-plated one. + +Old JIM SPENCER insisted on standin with his cow-hide butes on top the +mahogony senter table, for the purpuss of presentin me with the tea +sarvice, while his son-in-law had no sorter hesitation, whatsomever, of +planten his muddy feet into my wife's work basket, which was settin on a +stool in the sou'-west corner of the front room. Others had piled +theirselfs in heeps, in various parts of the room, presentin a picter +which JOHN B. GOFF could work up to sich an affectin pitch, that tears +could be got out of the eyes of a perfessional grave-digger. + +"SQUIRE GREEN, yer (hic!) feller sitisens, wishin to do the square thing +by you, hereby (hic!) take this opportunity of presentin you with this +(hic!) tea sarvice, which you hired down to GRIZ'LES jooliry (hic!) +store, for this momentous occassion. Take it and be 'appy. Now trot out +yer (hic!) benzeen," says SPENCER. At this pint I give the signle, and +the foldin doors was throde quickly open, revealin my 3 gals in a +classic tabloo. I then said: + +"Feller Sitizens: When I say I'me hily pleased at this onexpected +cerprise, I but reiterate the pent up feelins of an overflowin heart."-- + +"Oh, cork up on that ere spoutin, and sound yer supper bell," said JOE +BIGLER, interuptin me. I again went on. + +"As I casts my eyes about me, I see the smillen faces of my feller +sitizens, who have been tride and not found _wantin_--" + +"That's a lie! We are _wantin_ some vittles, with a little (hic!) +opedildock to wash her down. When you hired us to do this job, you +(hic!) 'greed to fill up," says a voice. + +I pertended as how I dident hear the raskle's insultin remarks, but I +was secretly itchin to be a silent spectator to his funeral, and see his +miserable carciss sunk down under about 6 foot of free sile. I +continnered; + +"You see before you, Faith, Hope & Charity, otherwise called the 3 +graces," said I, pintin to my darters, who looked as sheepish as if they +was jest let loose from a femail convenshun, or some other loonatick +asylum. + +"Yer cant cram that stuff down our gullets, no more'n I can stand on +this sugar bole without mashin it" said a vile youth, ceasin the sugar +bole from the silver tea sarvice and settin his foot onto it. "Them gals +haint no more faith in hoops and charity, than I have that the french +peeple can live under a Republican form of government." Said another +chap: "Oh, no, old GREEN, them tow-headed maidens is your darters, +JOHANNER, BETTY, and MARIAR, Jr." + +"Leed us to the bankett halls," says some one else. + +"Come, do as yer (hic!) 'greed, and give us some pirotecknicks," some one +else yelled; at this juncture all was hollerin vociferously for vittles +and whiskey. + +I assure you, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, it was very _affectin_. + +In fact, I don't believe there was a _dry mouth_ in the crowd. + +"I blush for every drunken soul of you," said I, wishing to get rid if +em; "and I want you to understand this meetin is adjourned to sober +off." + +I noticed that the 3 graces had left the room, while the assemblage was +vainly endeavorin to git hold of the silver tea sarvice. + +Suddenly the back parler door was busted open, and Mrs. GREEN and my 3 +gals rushed in with pans of hot water and broomsticks, and if ever I +enjoyed seein a lot of people baptized, it was that ere crowd, who was a +yellin "bloody murder," as the hot water made their hides curl up. + +"Go It, My Sweet Dears," Said I, "Peel Off Their Skins, And You Shall +All Have A Bran New Caliker Apiece To-Morrer Mornin." + +Well, sir, in quicker time than I can write this, the house was cleared +and the front door locked agin em; but my troubles had only just +commenced, for I had, figerately speakin, jumped from the fryin pan into +the fire. + +"HIRAM GREEN," said MARIAR, backin me up into a corner, "you old sinner, +you, look at that senter table, all scratched up with heels of a pair of +drunken cow-hide butes. Look at my work basket; it looks as if a +percession of hogs had been marchin into it.--See that nice rag carpet +which took me over 6 months to make; what is it? eh! it's covered with +old tabacker cuds, mud, segar stumps, broken whiskey bottles, and dish +water. Haint you a sweet venerable head of a family? Haint you a saperb +copy bound in calf, of ex-legal jewrisprudence? + +"Presented you with a tea sarvice, did they? Oh! yool be the ruination +of this family with your confounded efforts seekin arter fame. +You--you--" + +I dident wait to hear no more, but left the house with my feelins in a +hily mixed up state. I have made up my mind to one thing, that if I ever +get up another cerprise, I will hire good moral men, sich as editors, +noosepaper men, and literary folks ginerally, whose conducts is above +suspishon, to conduct the preceedins. + +When this you spy, +Remember HI, + +Ewers, truly, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BABY'S PHOTOGRAPH.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SONG OF THE OYSTER. + +"PUT ME IN MY LITTLE BED."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +An Exciting Interview with King William.--"Seeing" Thiers and Going him +Better.--The Influence of Monkeys In Diplomacy. + +VERSAILLES, EIGHTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +"I don't believe a word of it," said the King, with an impatient stamp +of the foot and a deprecatory wave of the hand--"not a word of it." + +You see, dear PUNCHINELLO, the situation was thus: I had undertaken, not +indeed without grave misgivings, to propitiate his Majesty, after the +failure of the THIERS-BISMARCK negotiations, and, if possible, procure +such terms as would save Parisians from the galling necessity of +immolating the monkeys of the _Jardin des Plantes_ to the popular demand +for something to eat. I thought, as an American citizen and your +correspondent, my propositions _might_ have some chance of being +favorably entertained, especially as I knew that the English Minister's +presents of Stilton cheese and many dozens of BASS' bottled ale to +BISMARCK had failed to prevent the current of the Chancellor's prejudice +from running strongly in favor of Americans. Thus morally armed, and +bearing in my pocket a _passe-partout_ from Prussian Headquarters, I +approached Versailles on the second evening after the departure of M. +THIERS, and found the King occupying the apartment in the central +pavilion of the palace, which had once been the sleeping-chamber of +Louis XVI. and his unhappy spouse MARIE ANTOINETTE. Many alterations had +taken place since I was last there and saw the wretched Queen from the +balcony endeavoring to assuage the fierce mob that surged beneath. The +room was not like the room in which I once helped Louis to pull off his +boots, and the delicate perfume that usually pervades the apartments of +French royalty had succumbed to the amalgamated odors of _Schweitzer +Kase_ and _Saur Kraut_. + +"It is apparent, sire," said I to WILLIAM, who was sitting there "that +Count BISMARCK has wholly misunderstood the situation in Paris." + +"Not a bit of it," said the King; "don't I know well enough they've got +down to two ounces a day for each man, and horse meat at that? + +"You forget, sire, their vast supply of asses." + +"Do I, indeed? when they've done nothing but develop an unlimited number +of them ever since the war began." + +I had an idea then that his majesty must have meant this for sarcasm +though my own experience told me that it was only too true; and it also +occurred to me that I was not in my true station as the representative +of a government of "asses." Nothing but a stern sense of duty prevented +me from clearing out at once under this last harrowing reflection. +Accordingly, I returned to the charge with diminished vigor, assuring +the King that if his army kept on blockading Paris in this cruel sort of +way, the population would soon be dying by thousands. It was very +strange why he wouldn't draw off his troops. What did _he_ want with +Paris? What had Paris done to _him_? Weren't there plenty of other +cities in this world that didn't care a cent how much he bombarded them? +(I began to think that possibly I might be growing childish in my method +of stating the case, but it was only a momentary weakness that made me +think so.) Where was Tyre? Let him go and bombard Tyre. Nobody cares for +Tyre now. Where was Sidon? If he wanted to throw away his ammunition, +let him "go" for Sidon. Where was Tuckahoo, New Jersey? Would New York +care if Tuckahoo was reduced to the level of its original swamp? +Moreover, there were lots of cities away off in China, yearning to have +the rays of modern civilization let into them. Would it be anything out +of his way to travel in that direction with a few big KRUPP guns, and +give civilization a fair opening to get in at? Wasn't it cowardly to be +punching all the time at one poor, miserable little town like Paris, +that ain't big enough to help itself, and wouldn't have done the same by +him no matter if it got ever so many high old chances? "Think of it, oh! +think of it, my royal brother," I said, laying a hand on each of his +royal shoulders. He took my hands off, and told BISMARCK to bring him a +wisp-broom. It was a cruel insult, but I stood unmoved in the midst of +it. "Perhaps at some future hour and place, Your Majesty, we may meet +under different circumstances." That was a proposition he exhibited no +disposition to deny. At this juncture a courier arrived from the front, +breathless with excitement, and speechless too. The King seized him by +the back of the neck and shook him violently, but the poor fellow +couldn't articulate a word, I suggested that cold keys be put down his +back, and his feet thrust into the fire. That brought him to so fast +that I got behind an arm-chair for protection. In a few seconds he +gathered voice enough to say: + +"S-S-Sire, P-P-P-Paris is e-eatin' u-u-up the m-m-mon-monkeys." + +Fatal news! It was all up with my museum. + +Paris reduced to monkeys, and no treaty signed! + +Horrible catastrophe! + +I offered myself to Satan for a good lie--anything, I didn't care what, +to clinch matters, and bring the King to terms. The Old Boy served me. + +"Your Majesty, I forebore to tell you the worst; but it can be kept back +no longer. You must fly from here; fly from Paris. Your worthy queen, +the great, the good, the patriotic AUGUSTA, is now lying at the point +of--" + +"Liar!" shouted the King, as he seized a boot-jack from the hands of +BISMARCK and hurled it at me with all his strength. I burst the back of +my coat dodging the missile, which did not, however, interrupt the rapid +utterance of my dreadful communication. + +"Spare one moment more to hear what I have just received by telegraph +from Berlin, which is to say that your grandmother--" + +"I never had a grandmother!" roared the King, upon the verge of madness, +as the Crown Prince, at the head of six Army Corps surrounded the +building and captured me without firing a shot. + +P.S.--It is scarcely necessary in my present exhausted state to say that +my liberation is once more entirely due to the intercession of that man +of all men, the defender of injured innocence, and the champion of all +unfortunates, the most honorable Mr. WASHBURNE, American Minister, &c. +He told them that he had known me from boyhood; that my father died in +the lunatic asylum, and dying, bequeathed his intellectual +characteristics to his son, which was all he had to bequeath. The King +said it was more than likely, and so I got off. + +DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +Wonderful Sagacity. + +Newspapers mention that an Irish crow has lately arrived as a passenger +on board the steamship _Colorado._ It is stated that the bird has +positively declined to quit the ship, and the inference is that its +unwillingness to do so arises from fear lest it might be mistaken for a +Thanksgiving Turkey. + + * * * * * + +A Wintry Reflection. + +The only Weather Profits that never fail are the gains of the coal +dealers. + + * * * * * + +Nautical. + +When does a ship display a propensity for climbing? + +When she runs up her flag. + + + * * * * * + THE PLAYS AND SHOWS + +Latest of Mr. BOUCICAULT'S mixtures is another Irish dramatic stew. He +calls it the _Rapparee_, and it contains the usual proportion of fire, +patriots, whiskey, traitors, pretty girls, and red-coat officers. It has +a Tragic Heroine and a Cheerful Heroine, a French Officer who speaks +with an Irish brogue, and a Dutch General who speaks the Fechterian +dialect. It has FRANK MAYO in picturesque attitudes on the stage, and +HARRY PALMER in gorgeous vestments in the lobby. But here it is--as long +as the original and nearly as tedious. Read it and decide for yourselves +whether this sort of thing is worthy of the clever mechanic who +constructed _Arrah-na-Pogue_? + +THE RAPPAREE. ACT I. + +SCENE I.--_A retired spot in the public highway. [Enter an army of +fifteen Irish patriots, armed with pikes of great scythes.]_ + +1st PATRIOT.--"Hurroo for KING JAMES, we'll dhrive the Orange-men into +the say. Here comes O'MALLEY, and the FRINCH OFFICIR. May they niver +want a bottle, or a frind to stale it from." _[Enter O'Malley and +Duquesne,]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"All is lost. ULICK has betrayed us." + +DUQUESNE.--"All is lost. ULICK has followed the national custom." + +PATRIOTS.--"All is lost. Hurroo. What'll we do now, boys?" + +O'MALLEY.--"Come with me to France. We'll fight somebody there." + +PATRIOTS.--"We will go this minute." _[They go. Enter Tragic Heroine.]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"Can I belave the eyes of me. Is it you, darlint, or some +other ghost?" + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"'Tis I. Fly, O'MALLEY. ULICK insists upon marrying me, +and hanging you." + +O'MALLEY.--"I will fly to-morrow night, and you shall fly with me. I +would go this minute, were it not that Mr. BOUCICAULT'S play would be +spoiled if I did not stay long enough to get into difficulties. I will +hide in the cellar of my ruined castle, and will give ULICK the worst +'hiding' he ever had if I have a convenient chance at him." + +SCENE II--_The front parlor in O'Hara's castle. Enter the Dutch General +and O'Hara._ + +DUTCH GENERAL.--"O'HARA, I dinks you pe ein repel. ULICK is searging +your bapers. If he finds something you shall be hanged." _[Enter +Ulick.]_ + +ULICK.--"I have searched O'HARA's trunk, and the drawer where he keeps +his other stocking. I have found nothing." + +DUTCH GENERAL.--"I still pelieve him a traitor, but I gannot brove it." +_[Exit.]_ + +ULICK.--"O'HARA, listen. I have lied. I hold here in my left coat-tail +pocket the proofs of your treachery. Give me your daughter and help me +hang O'MALLEY, or I will ruin you." + +O'HARA.--"I am in your power. Do as you please." _[Enter Tragic +Heroine.]_ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"Never. ULICK shall neither marry me nor hang +O'MALLEY." + +ULICK.--"Young woman, I will lock you in this room for a year or two, +until O'MALLEY is thoroughly hung. Come, O'HARA." _[Exeunt.]_ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"I must escape and warn O'MALLEY. But how? I have it. I +can leap out of the window into the sea: I can then swim in full +ball-dress to O'MALLEY'S castle, which is only twenty leagues from here. +I will warn him, and fly with him. Courage. I will remove my back-hair +and make the hazardous leap." _[She leaps.]_ + +SCENE III.--_The vaults below O'Malley's castle. Enter Dutch General, +O'Hara, Ulick, and the "Doctor," a rebel prisoner._ + +DOCTOR.--"I brought you here to show you O'MALLEY'S hiding-place. Now +I've got you. The tide rose the moment we entered, and cut off your +retreat; we'll all be drowned like rats in a hole. Hurroo." _[O'Malley +descends into the vaults by an iron door.]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"Come up-stairs out of the wet. We'll have some whiskey." +_[They come up.]_ + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.--_O'Malley's ancestral back-garret. Enter Tragic Heroine in +ball-dress, having swum across the bay._ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"Ha! also Ho! I am a little out of breath. I think I +had better faint." _(Faints.) [Enter O'Malley and his rescued enemies.]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"Sit down, while I go for the whiskey." _[He goes.]_ + +O'HARA.--"What do I see? My daughter! Take her up-stairs before O'MALLEY +returns." _(They take her up.) [Re-enter O'Malley.]_ + +O'MALLEY.--"Gentlemen, here is the whiskey. It is Gen. GRANT'S favorite +brand, and you'll find it all right." _[To his servant]_ "CONNER, these +men mean to arrest me. Go and set fire to the castle." _[Connor goes, +and O'Malley, locking the door, throws the key out of the window.]_ + +EVERYBODY.--"What do you mean by throwing away the key? Do you mean to +surround us, and, making us prisoners, drink up the whiskey yourself?" + +O'MALLEY,--"'Tis a custom of our house, intended originally to give +employment to meritorious locksmiths on the eve of election. Listen +while I tell you how one of my ancestors played a nice little trick on +some officers who had come to arrest him for shooting his landlord. He +locked them up as I have locked you up. He then ordered his servant to +set the castle on fire as I have just done, and was baked with them as +we are about to be baked." + +DUTCH GENERAL.--"Donner und blitzen!" + +EVERYBODY ELSE.--"Tare an ounds!" + +TRAGIC HEROINE, _[in the loft above]_.--"S c r r r e e e c h." + +O'MALLEY.--"Heavings! That shriek. 'Tis my Grace! TRAGIC DARLING, I come +to die with you." _[Rushes up the chimney, while the Dutch General, +blowing off the lock off the door with his pistol, escapes together with +his friends. The Castle is carefully taken to pieces in sections by the +stage carpenters, while torches are flashed at intervals. Finally a +Roman candle is set off, and the O'Malley Castle falls a prey to a +carefully managed conflagration.--Curtain.]_ + +ACT III. + +SCENE I.--_A quiet place in midst of the turnpike. Enter Cheerful +Heroine and French Officer._ + +FRENCH OFFICER.--"Fly with me at once." + +CHEERFUL HEROINE.--"Why on earth should I fly? I have never seen you but +once." + +FRENCH OFFICER.--"'Tis true; but you'll have to settle that with +BOUCICAULT. I'm sure I don't want you to fly, especially with no +property but a low-necked dress and short sleeves; but BOUCICAULT has +arranged it to suit himself." + +CHEERFUL HEROINE--"In that case I will fly." _[Enter the_ DOCTOR _and a +band of patriots.]_ + +DOCTOR.--"O'MALLEY is a prisoner in the fort. We are going to have him +out, dead or alive." + +FRENCH OFFICER.--"These are the counsels of madness. Why don't you get +an injunction, or something of that kind, and so get him out peaceably." + +DOCTOR.--"It's too late. Besides, Mr. BOUCICAULT wants to end the play +with a fight." + +CHEERFUL HEROINE.--"I will manage it all. I will let down a rope from +the fort. You shall all be drawn up and rescue O'MALLEY. Nothing could +be more simple. Come and be drawn up." _[They come.]_ + +SCENE. II.--_Interior of the O'Malley's cell. Enter Tragic Heroine._ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"'Tis he!'tis he! Though how he managed to change his +clothes and put on such a nice coat, I can't imagine. Dearest, awake!" + +O'MALLEY.--"Who calls? Is it the boy with the beer? Ha! my own darling. +Come to this embroidered waistcoat." + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"I have agreed to marry ULICK on condition he permits +you to escape." + +O'MALLEY.--"Ha! base girl. Would ye onconvenience yourself to save me? +Never! I will not consent to your marrying ULICK. Try some other little +game, darlint" + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"I will." _[Exit.]_ + +SCENE III.--_The castle moat. O'Malley in the ditch standing in a +picturesque attitude. The Dutch General stands on the summit of a wall +three feet high, and leaning over the battlements--which tower to the +height of three inches--hands O'Malley a pardon. Enter Tragic Heroine +and everybody else._ + +TRAGIC HEROINE.--"O'MALLEY. I have saved you. Now save me. I have just +married ULICK. Kill him for me." + +ULICK _and_ O'MALLEY _accordingly slash each other across the legs with +their rapiers._ O'MALLEY _kills_ ULICK _and embraces the TRAGIC HEROINE. +Everybody shouts "Hurroo!" and the curtain falls._ + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EFFECT OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION UPON CERTAIN +PARTIES INTERESTED.] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG'S PANORAMA. + +PART II. + +THE ALPS. + +These mountains, which are permanently located in Switzerland, and +favorably mentioned in all the geographies, are justly admired by +tourists for their grandeur, natural beauty, and good hotel +accommodations. + +This is a view at sunrise, by one of the early painters. Everything is +up, but Mont Blanc is up more than his neighbors. The whole landscape is +bathed in the golden glories of the orb of day. A bath in the morning is +invigorating indeed. + +These Peaks are clustered around in silent majesty. It looks as though +the entire PEAK family had come here and settled. These snow-capped +summits, wild ravines, mountain torrents, and the series of crags which +WILLIAM TELL was in the habit of addressing, are truly soul-inspiring. + +Here is a guide with his party. These guides are well-trained men, who +never bolt, but always go with their party--the ultramontane. They are +of high birth, and descended from the best Alpen Stock. + +No one should pass the season in Switzerland without seeing these +mountains. They will repay a perusal. + +While the prices may not be extravagant enough for Americans, still, +those who have scaled these noble elevations may well account the +prospect as one of the most striking features of a foreign climb. + +A SCENE IN THE TROPICS. + +This gorgeous painting brings before you all the luxuriance of tropical +vegetation. Magnolias and palm trees wave their heads proudly, while +bananas, oranges, and bread fruit abound in rank profusion. Here the +cane brake stretches away as far as the eye can reach (and to those who +are not near-sighted still farther), recalling those beautiful lines of +the poet:-- + + "Break, break, break!" + +The broad river in the foreground, mountains melting away on the horizon +(that's because they're volcanic), and the sun broiling and sizzling +high up in the heavens, are deliciously blended together. Our artist, +full of perspiration (he can blend better than any man we ever ployed), +has seized upon a moment when all Nature seems to say: ("Steady there, +what makes that canvas wriggle so?") + +Notice the warmth of coloring; and see to what a high degree of art the +general effect is carried-about 90 deg. Fahrenheit in the shade. This +picturesque object is an alligator basking in the sun. Our advice to +inexperienced travellers is: "Let him bask!" + +These cotton fields, rice plantations, and the colored member of +Congress addressing his constituents on the right, all stamp this scene +as unmistakably Southern. + +We will cancel the stamp and move on. + +In our next we shall find that our artist has given himself more +latitude, say about eighty degrees North. + +WINTER IN SPITSBERGEN. + +Behold these regions of eternal ice and snow--miles upon miles of frozen +real estate. There is a great ice monopoly here. All, all is blank; +except the ship over in this corner. She is a prize. This is the place +to buy thermometers; you'll generally find them going very low. The +weather in this region is mostly day and night, but rather irregularly +divided between the two. + +You see these people with rough beards and red shirts, looking like New +York firemen? You take one to be MOSE? You are right--they are +Esquimaux. They are a tough, and hardy race. Though not precisely +students, they yet consume the midnight oil--chiefly as a beverage. + +This great work is the combined production of thirteen artists; twelve +of them, perishing in the attempt, were handsomely buried at our +expense; and the survivor is now keeping a bar, for his own consumption, +at St. Paul, Minnesota. He was compelled to lay aside the brush, which +accounts for the water in this corner not being frozen, as the contract +stipulated. But this allows the ship to which I referred to float +comfortably. + +These small buildings are settlements. They are not so frequent here as +in New York or Chicago, where business men inform me they occur about as +often as--once in two years. + +"Ice cream for sale," on this sign, has a flavor of civilization in it. + +Woman does not go to the poles here, although one of them is only a few +miles distant in a northerly direction, with excellent sleighing. + +I would make a passing allusion to this figure, introduced by artist +number nine, to please the young people. It represents a Spitsbergen +lover. He is clad in fur, and has a catarrh. He is just now oh his +sneeze, warbling hoarsely: "Rein deer in this bosom!" + +_(Sentimental strains from the melodeon.)_ + +THE GRAND CANAL. + +This is not the Erie Canal, but the Grand Canal of Venice. It does not +own so many mules, or forward so much corn and flour, as the New York +concern, but is more airy and picturesque. It is surrounded by palaces; +but what is a palace without a mother? + +These swan-like men-of-war are gondolas. Our skipper is called a +gondolier. Every other skipper is called something worse than that if he +gets in our skipper's way. I respect a man's calling; that is, if he +follows it up energetically. + +The Rialto, with its busy throngs. + +The Bridge of Sighs, where Lord Byron is said to have stood on either +hand. + +A group of native beggars. This man is blind. With this Venetian blind +we beg leave to close this scene. + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +The Flesh-pots or Paris. + +A late newspaper item states as follows:-- + +"The Archbishop of Paris has given permission to use horse-flesh on fast +days." + +It is lucky for Mr. BONNER'S crack horses, then, that they are not +stabled in Paris just now, since they are all considered first-rate for +Fast days. + + * * * * * + +"SOAP"-STONES.--Wall street "rocks." + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE NOW OFFERING | + | | + | SHAWL SUITS, | + | | + | ALPACA AND WINCEY SUITS | + | IN ALL COLORS, | + | $8; FORMERLY $12. | + | | + | POPLIN SUITS IN ALL COLORS, | + | $15 EACH AND UPWARDS. | + | | + | BLACK SILK SUITS, | + | $50 EACH AND UPWARDS. | + | | + | An Elegant Assortment of | + | FRENCH AND IRISH POPLIN SUITS, | + | | + | IN EVERY VARIETY, | + | AT POPULAR PRICES. | + | | + | SPECIAL ATTENTION IS PAID TO | + | MOURNING ORDERS. | + | | + | CHOICE STYLES IN | + | BOMBAZINES, BLACK EMPRESS, | + | PARIS CLOTH and | + | CASHMERE SUITS | + | CONSTANTLY ON HAND. | + | | + | BROADWAY, fourth Ave., | + | | + | 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE ON HAND | + | | + | A MOST MAGNIFICENT ASSORTMENT OF | + | REAL LACE GOODS, | + | | + | CONSISTING OF | + | | + | POINTE LACE COLLARS, SETTS, HANDKERCHIEFS, | + | BARBES, COIFFURES, | + | CAPES, PELLERINES, JACKETS | + | AND SHAWLS. | + | | + | -ALSO- | + | | + | A SUPERB LINE OF | + | REAL BLACK THREAD | + | LACE SHAWLS, | + | JACKETS AND CAPES, | + | BLACK THREAD, BLACK GUIPURE, | + | POINTE GAZE, POINTE APPLIQUE | + | AND VALENCIENNES | + | | + | TRIMMING LACES, | + | FORMING THE | + | LARGEST ASSORTMENT | + | EVER OFFERED | + | IN THIS COUNTRY. | + | | + | These Goods having been purchased at PANIC | + | PRICES in Europe, will be offered, in many | + | instances, | + | | + | Fifty Per Cent. Below Former Cost, | + | | + | BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., | + | | + | 9th and 10th streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | VELVETS, PLUSHES, | + | Velveteens, Etc. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE RECEIVING | + | | + | BY EACH AND EVERY STEAMER, | + | | + | A FULL SUPPLY OF CHOICE | + | COLORS | + | | + | OF THE ABOVE-NAMED GOODS, | + | | + | FORMING THE LARGEST ASSORTMENT | + | EVER EXHIBITED IN THIS CITY, | + | | + | WHICH THEY OFFER AT RETAIL AND TO THE | + | TRADE, | + | | + | AT EXTREMELY | + | | + | ATTRACTIVE PRICES, | + | | + | BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., | + | 9th and 10th Sts. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) . . $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) . . . 2.00 | + | " " three months, . . . . . . . . . . . 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 | + | | + | | + | "We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for. . . . . . $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | _Wild Roses._ 12-1/8 x 9. | + | | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/5 x 10-1/4--for. . . . . . . . . $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. | + | Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 | + | | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; | + | The Unconscious Sleeper; | + | The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4 | + | | + | Spring; Summer; Autumn 12-1/8 x 16-1/2. | + | | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for . . . . . . $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4 | + | | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for . $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and | + | | + | Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, | + | price $9.00--for . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-1/8 | + | | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromes.) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: EXERCISE IS A GOOD THING FOR BOYS; BUT IT IS RATHER "TOO +MUCH OF A GOOD THING" WHEN PUSHED TO THE EXTENT OF MAKING YOUR +ENTRANCE-GATE A JUDGE'S STAND FOR A FOOT-RACE BETWEEN BOYS.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | AND | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of | + | PRINTING, | + | Furnish all kinds of | + | STATIONERY, | + | Make all kinds of | + | BLANK BOOKS, | + | Execute the finest styles of | + | LITHOGRAPHY | + | Makes the Best and Cheapest | + | ENVELOPES | + | Ever offered to the Public. | + | | + | They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | + |States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have | + | INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the | + | most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West | + | Should bear in mind that the | + | ERIE RAILWAY | + | IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, | + | with all Lines | + | By Rail or River | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, | + | ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express Trains, | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE; revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and pleasures | + | of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | | + | PRICE $2. 50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PROFESSOR JAMES DE MILLE, | + | | + | Author of | + | | + | "THE DODGE CLUB ABROAD" | + | AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS, | + | | + | Will Commence a New Serial | + | | + | IN THE NUMBER OF | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | FOR | + | | + | January 7th, 1871, | + | | + | Written expressly for this paper. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FREEMAN & BURR'S | + | CLOTHING WAREHOUSES. | + | | + | 138 & 140 | + | FULTON STREET, | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | FREEMAN & BURR'S Stock is of unparalleled extent and | + | variety. It embraces Suits, Overcoats, and Clothing of every | + | description, for all ages, and all classes and occasions. | + | | + | ORDERS BY LETTER.--The easy and accurate system for | + | SELF-MEASURE, introduced by FREEMAN & BURR, enables parties | + | in any part of the country to order CLOTHING direct from | + | them, with the certainty of receiving the most PERFECT FIT | + | attainable. | + | | + | RULES FOR SELF-MEASURE, Samples of Goods, Price-list, and | + | Fashion Sheet, sent FREE on application. | + | | + | Overcoats, $6. Winter Suits, $12. | + | Overcoats, $8. Winter Suits, $15. | + | Overcoats, $10. Winter Suits, $20. | + | Overcoats, $15. Winter Suits, $30. | + | Overcoats, $20. Winter Suits, $40. | + | Overcoats, $25. Winter Suits, $50. | + | Overcoats, $30. Boys' Suits, $6. | + | Overcoats, $35. Boys' Suits, $8. | + | Overcoats, $40. Boys' Suits, $12. | + | Overcoats, $45. Boys' Suits, $18. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A CHRISTMAS STORY, | + | | + | Written expressly for this Paper, | + | | + | By FRANK R. STOCKTON, | + | | + | Author of "Ting-a-ling," etc., etc., | + | | + | WILL BE COMMENCED IN No. 38, FOR DECEMBER 17TH, AND | + | CONCLUDED IN THREE NUMBERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 36, December +3, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 36 *** + +***** This file should be named 10292.txt or 10292.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/9/10292/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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