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diff --git a/old/1026-0.txt b/old/1026-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd6e694 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1026-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4666 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Diary of a Nobody, by George and Weedon Grossmith + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: The Diary of a Nobody + +Author: George and Weedon Grossmith + +Release Date: June 27, 1997 [eBook #1026] +[Most recently updated: October 16, 2021] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +Produced by: David Price + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DIARY OF A NOBODY *** + + + + + The Diary of + a Nobody + + + BY + GEORGE GROSSMITH + AND + WEEDON GROSSMITH + + WITH ILLUSTRATIONS + BY + WEEDON GROSSMITH + + A NEW EDITION + + * * * * * + + BRISTOL + J. W. ARROWSMITH, PRINTER, QUAY STREET + + LONDON + SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT & COMPANY LIMITED + + + + +INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER + + +_Why should I not publish my diary_? _I have often seen reminiscences of +people I have never even heard of_, _and I fail to see_—_because I do not +happen to be a_ ‘_Somebody_’—_why my diary should not be interesting_. +_My only regret is that I did not commence it when I was a youth_. + + CHARLES POOTER. + +_The Laurels_, + _Brickfield Terrace_, + _Holloway_. + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary. Tradesmen +trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a +great compliment. + +My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house, “The +Laurels,” Brickfield Terrace, Holloway—a nice six-roomed residence, not +counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a little +front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front door, +which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up. Cummings, Gowing, +and our other intimate friends always come to the little side entrance, +which saves the servant the trouble of going up to the front door, +thereby taking her from her work. We have a nice little back garden +which runs down to the railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of +the trains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice them +after a bit, and took £2 off the rent. He was certainly right; and +beyond the cracking of the garden wall at the bottom, we have suffered no +inconvenience. + +After my work in the City, I like to be at home. What’s the good of a +home, if you are never in it? “Home, Sweet Home,” that’s my motto. I am +always in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in without +ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. My dear wife Caroline and +I are pleased to see them, if they like to drop in on us. But Carrie and +I can manage to pass our evenings together without friends. There is +always something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put +straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail down—all of which +I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not above putting a +button on a shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the “Sylvia +Gavotte” on our new cottage piano (on the three years’ system), +manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard +(in very large letters). It is also a great comfort to us to know that +our boy Willie is getting on so well in the Bank at Oldham. We should +like to see more of him. Now for my diary:— + + * * * * * + +APRIL 3.—Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson, the +ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools. +By-the-by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the +bells must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the front door +rings up in the servant’s bedroom, which is ridiculous. Dear friend +Gowing dropped in, but wouldn’t stay, saying there was an infernal smell +of paint. + +APRIL 4. Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to deal +with Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. Ordered +a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial. Carrie arranged +with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh butter, and a +pound and a half of salt ditto for kitchen, and a shilling’s worth of +eggs. In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me a +meerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle +it carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was moist. He +said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, +and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, +or else I shall get into a _scrape_. I don’t often make jokes. + +APRIL 5.—Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with +another butcher without consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over +scraper coming in. _Must_ get that scraper removed. + +APRIL 6.—Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back to Borset +with my compliments, and he needn’t call any more for orders. Couldn’t +find umbrella, and though it was pouring with rain, had to go without it. +Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took it by mistake last night, as there +was a stick in the ‘all that didn’t belong to nobody. In the evening, +hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs +hall, I went out to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was +Borset, the butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. Borset, on +seeing me, said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any +more—the game wasn’t worth the candle. I restrained my feelings, and +quietly remarked that I thought it was _possible_ for a city clerk to be +a _gentleman_. He replied he was very glad to hear it, and wanted to +know whether I had ever come across one, for _he_ hadn’t. He left the +house, slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and +I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn’t +removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to +have given him. However, I will keep it for another occasion. + +APRIL 7.—Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, and +putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the office +were absent through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found +Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to apologise for +his conduct last night. He said he was unable to take his Bank Holiday +last Monday, and took it last night instead. He begged me to accept his +apology, and a pound of fresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort +of fellow; so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request +that on this occasion they _should_ be fresh. I am afraid we shall have +to get some new stair-carpets after all; our old ones are not quite wide +enough to meet the paint on either side. Carrie suggests that we might +ourselves broaden the paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark +chocolate) on Monday. + +APRIL 8, Sunday.—After Church, the Curate came back with us. I sent +Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on special +occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my display, I had to +take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch,) round the side +entrance. He caught his foot in the scraper, and tore the bottom of his +trousers. Most annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them +on a Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk round the garden, +and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and +radishes. Went to Church again in the evening: walked back with the +Curate. Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of trousers, only +repaired. He wants me to take round the plate, which I think a great +compliment. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with +his complaints of the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life. +Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have a +little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a fool before Cummings. + +APRIL 9.—Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided _not_ +to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for +manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want my custom. I +simply said: “Then what are you making all this fuss about it for?” And +he shouted out at the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could +hear: “Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up ‘things’ like you by the +dozen!” + +I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this +disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent +kicking at the door, enough to break the panels. It was the blackguard +butcher again, who said he had cut his foot over the scraper, and would +immediately bring an action against me. Called at Farmerson’s, the +ironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper +and repairing the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the +landlord with such a trifling matter. + +Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter and decorator, who +had sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs, as +it contained Indian carmine. He said he spent half-a-day calling at +warehouses to see if he could get it. He suggested he should entirely +repaint the stairs. It would cost very little more; if he tried to match +it, he could only make a bad job of it. It would be more satisfactory to +him and to us to have the work done properly. I consented, but felt I +had been talked over. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and +went to bed at nine. + +APRIL 10.—Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself. He +seems a very civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct such +small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked him, and +went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are at +arriving. I told three of them that if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard +of it, they might be discharged. + +Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, told me +“to keep my hair on!” I informed him I had had the honour of being in +the firm twenty years, to which he insolently replied that I “looked it.” +I gave him an indignant look, and said: “I demand from you some respect, +sir.” He replied: “All right, go on demanding.” I would not argue with +him any further. You cannot argue with people like that. In the evening +Gowing called, and repeated his complaint about the smell of paint. +Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and not always +cautious; and Carrie once very properly reminded him that she was +present. + +APRIL 11.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. To-day was a +day of annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine ’bus to the City, +through having words with the grocer’s boy, who for the second time had +the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall-door, and had left the +marks of his dirty boots on the fresh-cleaned door-steps. He said he had +knocked at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. I +knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairs doing +the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the bell? He replied +that he did pull the bell, but the handle came off in his hand. + +I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened to +me before. There has recently been much irregularity in the attendance +of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately chose this +very morning to pounce down upon us early. Someone had given the tip to +the others. The result was that I was the only one late of the lot. +Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his +intervention. As I passed by Pitt’s desk, I heard him remark to his +neighbour: “How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!” This +was, of course, meant for me. I treated the observation with silence, +simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of making +both of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more +dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummings +called in the evening, and we played dominoes. + +APRIL 12.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. Left Farmerson +repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three men working. I +asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a fresh hole +he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was a most ridiculous place +to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it evidently knew nothing about +his business. I felt his excuse was no consolation for the expense I +shall be put to. + +In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke together +in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us later, but did not stay long, +saying the smoke was too much for her. It was also rather too much for +me, for Gowing had given me what he called a green cigar, one that his +friend Shoemach had just brought over from America. The cigar didn’t +look green, but I fancy I must have done so; for when I had smoked a +little more than half I was obliged to retire on the pretext of telling +Sarah to bring in the glasses. + +I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need of +fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered me +another cigar, which I politely declined. Gowing began his usual +sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: “You’re not going to complain of +the smell of paint again?” He said: “No, not this time; but I’ll tell +you what, I distinctly smell dry rot.” I don’t often make jokes, but I +replied: “You’re talking a lot of _dry rot_ yourself.” I could not help +roaring at this, and Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I +never was so immensely tickled by anything I have ever said before. I +actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook. + +APRIL 13.—An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman to +make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent +the sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman, and +recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old aunt at +Clapham. It only shows how small the world is. + +APRIL 14.—Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having this +morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in +good condition, on _Gardening_. I procured and sowed some half-hardy +annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I thought of a +joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out rather testy, I thought. I +said: “I have just discovered we have got a lodging-house.” She replied: +“How do you mean?” I said: “Look at the _boarders_.” Carrie said: “Is +that all you wanted me for?” I said: “Any other time you would have +laughed at my little pleasantry.” Carrie said: “Certainly—_at any other +time_, but not when I am busy in the house.” The stairs looked very +nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked _all right_, but it made +the banisters look _all wrong_, and suggested a coat of paint on them +also, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to Putley, and +fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banisters +slide. By-the-by, that is rather funny. + +APRIL 15, Sunday.—At three o’clock Cummings and Gowing called for a good +long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend +named Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except Stillbrook, who +was always a few yards behind us staring at the ground and cutting at the +grass with his stick. + +As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowing +suggested that we should make for “The Cow and Hedge” and get some tea. +Stillbrook said: “A brandy-and-soda was good enough for him.” I reminded +them that all public-houses were closed till six o’clock. Stillbrook +said, “That’s all right—_bona-fide_ travellers.” + +We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the gate +said: “Where from?” I replied: “Holloway.” He immediately put up his +arm, and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when I saw +Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for the +entrance. I watched them, and thought I would have a good laugh at their +expense, I heard the porter say: “Where from?” When, to my surprise, in +fact disgust, Stillbrook replied: “Blackheath,” and the three were +immediately admitted. + +Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: “We shan’t be a minute.” +I waited for them the best part of an hour. When they appeared they were +all in most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to +apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: “It was very rough on you +to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S. and B.’s.” I walked +home in silence; I couldn’t speak to them. I felt very dull all the +evening, but deemed it advisable _not_ to say anything to Carrie about +the matter. + +APRIL 16.—After business, set to work in the garden. When it got dark I +wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhaps +they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday’s adventure at “The Cow +and Hedge.” Afterwards made up my mind not to write _yet_. + +APRIL 17.—Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings +about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook. Afterwards, +thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and determined not to +_write_ at all, but to _speak_ quietly to them. Dumfounded at receiving +a sharp letter from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been +waiting for an explanation of _my_ (mind you, MY) extraordinary conduct +coming home on Sunday. At last I wrote: “I thought I was the aggrieved +party; but as I freely forgive you, you—feeling yourself aggrieved—should +bestow forgiveness on me.” I have copied this _verbatim_ in the diary, +because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful sentences I +have ever written. I posted the letter, but in my own heart I felt I was +actually apologising for having been insulted. + +APRIL 18.—Am in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing. +In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for a bottle +of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke with the shivers. +Was startled by a loud knock at the front door. Carrie awfully flurried. +Sarah still out, so went up, opened the door, and found it was only +Cummings. Remembered the grocer’s boy had again broken the side-bell. +Cummings squeezed my hand, and said: “I’ve just seen Gowing. All right. +Say no more about it.” There is no doubt they are both under the +impression I have apologised. + +While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: “By-the-by, +do you want any wine or spirits? My cousin Merton has just set up in the +trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eight +shillings. It is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.” I +told him my cellars, which were very small, were full up. To my horror, +at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and putting a bottle of +whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of newspaper, on the table in front of +us, said: “Please, sir, the grocer says he ain’t got no more Kinahan, but +you’ll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned on the +bottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has some at +one-and-three, as dry as a nut!” + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, of +Sutton, come up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experiments +with enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing and Cummings are +unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red, with unexpected result. + +APRIL 19.—Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton, who is in +the wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made himself at home at +once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him immediately, and +thoroughly approved of his sentiments. + +He leaned back in his chair and said: “You must take me as I am;” and I +replied: “Yes—and you must take us as we are. We’re homely people, we +are not swells.” + +He answered: “No, I can see that,” and Gowing roared with laughter; but +Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing: “I don’t think you +quite understand me. I intended to convey that our charming host and +hostess were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading a +simple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny +tea-drinking afternoons, and living above their incomes.” + +I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton’s, and +concluded that subject by saying: “No, candidly, Mr. Merton, we don’t go +into Society, because we do not care for it; and what with the expense of +cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it +doesn’t seem worth the money.” + +Merton said in reference to _friends_: “My motto is ‘Few and True;’ and, +by the way, I also apply that to wine, ‘Little and Good.’” Gowing said: +“Yes, and sometimes ‘cheap and tasty,’ eh, old man?” Merton, still +continuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and put me down for a +dozen of his “Lockanbar” whisky, and as I was an old friend of Gowing, I +should have it for 36s., which was considerably under what he paid for +it. + +He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted any +passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood good for +any theatre in London. + +APRIL 20.—Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, Annie Fullers +(now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days, +it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line +to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the Italian +Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that effect. + +APRIL 21.—Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and just at +present couldn’t manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, +or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the _Brown Bushes_, +at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed seats for four; also bill +for whisky. + +APRIL 23.—Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to meat tea, +and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We got a ’bus that took +us to King’s Cross, and then changed into one that took us to the +“Angel.” Mr. James each time insisted on paying for all, saying that I +had paid for the tickets and that was quite enough. + +We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our ’bus-load except +an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in. I walked ahead and +presented the tickets. The man looked at them, and called out: “Mr. +Willowly! do you know anything about these?” holding up my tickets. The +gentleman called to, came up and examined my tickets, and said: “Who gave +you these?” I said, rather indignantly: “Mr. Merton, of course.” He +said: “Merton? Who’s he?” I answered, rather sharply: “You ought to +know, his name’s good at any theatre in London.” He replied: “Oh! is it? +Well, it ain’t no good here. These tickets, which are not dated, were +issued under Mr. Swinstead’s management, which has since changed hands.” +While I was having some very unpleasant words with the man, James, who +had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out: “Come on!” I went up +after them, and a very civil attendant said: “This way, please, box H.” +I said to James: “Why, how on earth did you manage it?” and to my horror +he replied: “Why, paid for it of course.” + +This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play, but I +was doomed to still further humiliation. I was leaning out of the box, +when my tie—a little black bow which fastened on to the stud by means of +a new patent—fell into the pit below. A clumsy man not noticing it, had +his foot on it for ever so long before he discovered it. He then picked +it up and eventually flung it under the next seat in disgust. What with +the box incident and the tie, I felt quite miserable. Mr. James, of +Sutton, was very good. He said: “Don’t worry—no one will notice it with +your beard. That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see.” +There was no occasion for that remark, for Carrie is very proud of my +beard. + +To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest of the +evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck. + +APRIL 24.—Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having brought +up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre last night, +and his having paid for a private box because our order was not honoured, +and such a poor play too. I wrote a very satirical letter to Merton, the +wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said, “Considering we had to pay +for our seats, we did our best to appreciate the performance.” I thought +this line rather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p’s there were in +appreciate, and she said, “One.” After I sent off the letter I looked at +the dictionary and found there were two. Awfully vexed at this. + +Decided not to worry myself any more about the James’s; for, as Carrie +wisely said, “We’ll make it all right with them by asking them up from +Sutton one evening next week to play at Bézique.” + +APRIL 25.—In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was working +wonders with the new Pinkford’s enamel paint, I determined to try it. I +bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened through tea, went into +the garden and painted some flower-pots. I called out Carrie, who said: +“You’ve always got some newfangled craze;” but she was obliged to admit +that the flower-pots looked remarkably well. Went upstairs into the +servant’s bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of +drawers. To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement, but as an +example of the ignorance of the lower classes in the matter of taste, our +servant, Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely +said “she thought they looked very well as they was before.” + +APRIL 26.—Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind, being the best +colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of our _Shakspeare_, +the binding of which had almost worn out. + +APRIL 27.—Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the result. Sorry +to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words about it. She said I +ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such a thing as a +bath being painted red. I replied: “It’s merely a matter of taste.” + +Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice +saying, “May I come in?” It was only Cummings, who said, “Your maid +opened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as she was +wringing out some socks.” I was delighted to see him, and suggested we +should have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way of merriment said: +“You can be the dummy.” Cummings (I thought rather ill-naturedly) +replied: “Funny as usual.” He said he couldn’t stop, he only called to +leave me the _Bicycle News_, as he had done with it. + +Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he “must apologise for +coming so often, and that one of these days we must come round to _him_.” +I said: “A very extraordinary thing has struck me.” “Something funny, as +usual,” said Cummings. “Yes,” I replied; “I think even you will say so +this time. It’s concerning you both; for doesn’t it seem odd that +Gowing’s always coming and Cummings’ always going?” Carrie, who had +evidently quite forgotten about the bath, went into fits of laughter, and +as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my chair, till it cracked beneath +me. I think this was one of the best jokes I have ever made. + +Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing +perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces. After rather an +unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed it up +again and said: “Yes—I think, after that, I _shall_ be going, and I am +sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes.” Gowing said he didn’t mind a +joke when it wasn’t rude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, was +certainly a little wanting in good taste. Cummings followed it up by +saying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, he shouldn’t have +entered the house again. This rather unpleasantly terminated what might +have been a cheerful evening. However, it was as well they went, for the +charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork. + +APRIL 28.—At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, who was very +impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again. I told him it would be +my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise, Pitt +apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. I was +unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner towards me, +and told him I would look over his unpunctuality. Passing down the room +an hour later. I received a smart smack in the face from a rolled-up +ball of hard foolscap. I turned round sharply, but all the clerks were +apparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but I would give +half-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown by accident or design. +Went home early and bought some more enamel paint—black this time—and +spent the evening touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair +of boots, making them look as good as new. Also painted Gowing’s +walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it look like ebony. + +APRIL 29, Sunday.—Woke up with a fearful headache and strong symptoms of +a cold. Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, said it was +“painter’s colic,” and was the result of my having spent the last few +days with my nose over a paint-pot. I told her firmly that I knew a +great deal better what was the matter with me than she did. I had got a +chill, and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear it. Bath +ready—could scarcely bear it so hot. I persevered, and got in; very hot, +but very acceptable. I lay still for some time. + +On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced the +greatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for +imagine my horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of blood. +My first thought was that I had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to +death, and should be discovered, later on, looking like a second Marat, +as I remember seeing him in Madame Tussaud’s. My second thought was to +ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell to ring. My third was, +that there was nothing but the enamel paint, which had dissolved with +boiling water. I stepped out of the bath, perfectly red all over, +resembling the Red Indians I have seen depicted at an East-End theatre. +I determined not to say a word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come +on Monday and paint the bath white. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +The ball at the Mansion House. + +APRIL 30.—Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for Carrie and +myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to “meet the +Representatives of Trades and Commerce.” My heart beat like that of a +schoolboy’s. Carrie and I read the invitation over two or three times. +I could scarcely eat my breakfast. I said—and I felt it from the bottom +of my heart,—“Carrie darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the +aisle of the church on our wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if +not surpassed, when I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady +Mayoress at the Mansion House.” I saw the tears in Carrie’s eyes, and +she said: “Charlie dear, it is _I_ who have to be proud of you. And I am +very, very proud of you. You have called me pretty; and as long as I am +pretty in your eyes, I am happy. You, dear old Charlie, are not +handsome, but you are _good_, which is far more noble.” I gave her a +kiss, and she said: “I wonder if there will be any dancing? I have not +danced with you for years.” + +I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the waist, +and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka when Sarah +entered, grinning, and said: “There is a man, mum, at the door who wants +to know if you want any good coals.” Most annoyed at this. Spent the +evening in answering, and tearing up again, the reply to the Mansion +House, having left word with Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called we were +not at home. Must consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor’s +invitation. + +MAY 1.—Carrie said: “I should like to send mother the invitation to look +at.” I consented, as soon as I had answered it. I told Mr. Perkupp, at +the office, with a feeling of pride, that we had received an invitation +to the Mansion House; and he said, to my astonishment, that he himself +gave in my name to the Lord Mayor’s secretary. I felt this rather +discounted the value of the invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply +to me, he described how I was to answer it. I felt the reply was too +simple; but of course Mr. Perkupp knows best. + +MAY 2.—Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor’s round the +corner, to have the creases taken out. Told Gowing not to call next +Monday, as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar note to +Cummings. + +MAY 3.—Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about her dress +for next Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our head +clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: “Oh, I’m asked, but don’t think +I shall go.” When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel my +invitation is considerably discounted. In the evening, while I was out, +the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, and because Sarah +had not a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took them away again. + +MAY 4.—Carrie’s mother returned the Lord Mayor’s invitation, which was +sent to her to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of port +over it. I was too angry to say anything. + +MAY 5.—Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and two +white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying. + +MAY 6, Sunday.—A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to say, I twice +thought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow. + +MAY 7.—A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor’s reception. The whole +house upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie wanted the +room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from Sutton to help Carrie; so I +could not help thinking it unreasonable that she should require the +entire attention of Sarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running out +of the house to fetch “something for missis,” and several times I had, in +my full evening-dress, to answer the back-door. + +The last time it was the greengrocer’s boy, who, not seeing it was me, +for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two cabbages and +half-a-dozen coal-blocks. I indignantly threw them on the ground, and +felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to box the boy’s ears. He +went away crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I would not have +happen for the world. In the dark, I stepped on a piece of the cabbage, +which brought me down on the flags all of a heap. For a moment I was +stunned, but when I recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing-room +and on looking into the chimney-glass discovered that my chin was +bleeding, my shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn +at the knee. + +However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed in the +drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin, and Sarah very +neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine o’clock Carrie swept into +the room, looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely, or +so distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of sky-blue—my favourite +colour—and a piece of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round the +shoulders, to give a finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little +too long behind, and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it +was _à la mode_. Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of +ivory with red feathers, the value of which, she said, was priceless, as +the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle—a bird now extinct. I preferred +the little white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six at +Shoolbred’s, but both ladies sat on me at once. + +We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather fortunate, +for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciously +condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I must say I was +disappointed to find he did not even know Mr. Perkupp, our principal. + +I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who did not +know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall never forget +the grand sight. My humble pen can never describe it. I was a little +annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying: “Isn’t it a pity we don’t know +anybody?” + +Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked like Franching, +from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized me by the +coat-tails, and said quite loudly: “Don’t leave me,” which caused an +elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, and two +ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowd in the +supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid supper—any amount of +champagne. + +Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I +sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she did not +taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving a sharp slap +on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, our +ironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way: “This is better than +Brickfield Terrace, eh?” I simply looked at him, and said coolly: “I +never expected to see you here.” He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: “I +like that—if _you_, why not _me_?” I replied: “Certainly,” I wish I +could have thought of something better to say. He said: “Can I get your +good lady anything?” Carrie said: “No, I thank you,” for which I was +pleased. I said, by way of reproof to him: “You never sent to-day to +paint the bath, as I requested.” Farmerson said: “Pardon me, Mr. Pooter, +no shop when we’re in company, please.” + +Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court +costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old friend, +and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I was astonished. For full +five minutes they stood roaring with laughter, and stood digging each +other in the ribs. They kept telling each other they didn’t look a day +older. They began embracing each other and drinking champagne. + +To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member of our +aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson seized me +rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff, said: “Let me +introduce my neighbour, Pooter.” He did not even say “Mister.” The +sheriff handed me a glass of champagne. I felt, after all, it was a +great honour to drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so. We +stood chatting for some time, and at last I said: “You must excuse me now +if I join Mrs. Pooter.” When I approached her, she said: “Don’t let me +take you away from friends. I am quite happy standing here alone in a +crowd, knowing nobody!” + +As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time nor the +place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: “I hope my darling +little wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of saying we had +danced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord Mayor.” Finding the +dancing after supper was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used to +admire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round her waist and +we commenced a waltz. + +A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new pair of boots. +Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie’s advice; namely, to scratch the +soles of them with the points of the scissors or to put a little wet on +them. I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slipped +away and I came down, the side of my head striking the floor with such +violence that for a second or two I did not know what had happened. I +needly hardly say that Carrie fell with me with equal violence, breaking +the comb in her hair and grazing her elbow. + +There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when people +found that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman assisted Carrie to +a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger of having a +plain polished floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent people +slipping. The gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, insisted on +escorting Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was +pleased to allow Carrie to accept. + +I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud voice +“Oh, are you the one who went down?” + +I answered with an indignant look. + +With execrable taste, he said: “Look here, old man, we are too old for +this game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. Come and have +another glass, that is more in our line.” + +Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed the +others into the supper-room. + +Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined to stay +longer. As we were departing, Farmerson said: “Are you going? if so, you +might give me a lift.” + +I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted Carrie. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing also offended. A +pleasant party at the Cummings’. Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits us. + +MAY 8.—I woke up with a most terrible headache. I could scarcely see, +and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick. I thought +first of sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary. When +up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish’s, the chemist, who gave me a +draught. So bad at the office, had to get leave to come home. Went to +another chemist in the City, and I got a draught. Brownish’s dose seems +to have made me worse; have eaten nothing all day. To make matters +worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me sharply—that is, +when she answered at all. + +In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: “I do +believe I’ve been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the Mansion House +last night;” she simply replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing: +“Champagne never did agree with you.” I felt irritated, and said: “What +nonsense you talk; I only had a glass and a half, and you know as well as +I do—” Before I could complete the sentence she bounced out of the room. +I sat over an hour waiting for her to return; but as she did not, I +determined I would go to bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed +without even saying “good-night”; leaving me to bar the scullery door and +feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning. + +MAY 9.—Still a little shaky, with black specks. The _Blackfriars +Bi-weekly News_ contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion House +Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though Farmerson’s is in +plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever that may mean. More than +vexed, because we had ordered a dozen copies to send to our friends. +Wrote to the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_, pointing out their omission. + +Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. I helped +myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly: +“Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night.” + +She replied, “Indeed! and I desire something more than a little +explanation of your conduct the night before.” + +I said, coolly: “Really, I don’t understand you.” + +Carrie said sneeringly: “Probably not; you were scarcely in a condition +to understand anything.” + +I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: “Caroline!” + +She said: “Don’t be theatrical, it has no effect on me. Reserve that +tone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger.” + +I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never seen +her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said: “Now _I’m_ going to +say something! After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, you permit him to +snub _you_, in my presence, and then accept his invitation to take a +glass of champagne with you, and you don’t limit yourself to one glass. +You then offer this vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairing our +scraper, a seat in our cab on the way home. I say nothing about his +tearing my dress in getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James’s +expensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he never +even apologised; but you smoked all the way home without having the +decency to ask my permission. That is not all! At the end of the +journey, although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of +the cab, you asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, +from my manner, that his company was not desirable.” + +Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make matters +worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two hats on his +head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie’s fur tippet +(which he had taken off the downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and +announced himself in a loud, coarse voice: “His Royal Highness, the Lord +Mayor!” He marched twice round the room like a buffoon, and finding we +took no notice, said: “Hulloh! what’s up? Lovers’ quarrel, eh?” + +There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: “My dear Gowing, I’m +not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking; especially when +you enter the room without knocking, an act which I fail to see the fun +of.” + +Gowing said: “I’m very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I thought +you would have sent round.” I handed him his stick, which I remembered I +had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He +looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression and said: “Who did +this?” + +I said: “Eh, did what?” + +He said: “Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to my poor +uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world! I’ll know +who did it.” + +I said: “I’m very sorry. I dare say it will come off. I did it for the +best.” + +Gowing said: “Then all I can say is, it’s a confounded liberty; and I +_would_ add, you’re a bigger fool than you look, only _that’s_ absolutely +impossible.” + +MAY 12.—Got a single copy of the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_. There was +a short list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid people had +mentioned our names as “Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter.” Most annoying! Wrote +again and I took particular care to write our name in capital letters, +_POOTER_, so that there should be no possible mistake this time. + +MAY 16.—Absolutely disgusted on opening the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_ +of to-day, to find the following paragraph: “We have received two letters +from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to announce the important +fact that they were at the Mansion House Ball.” I tore up the paper and +threw it in the waste-paper basket. My time is far too valuable to +bother about such trifles. + +MAY 21.—The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being away at +Mrs. James’s, at Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I presume, is +still offended with me for black enamelling his stick without asking him. + +MAY 22.—Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost +seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it round +with nice note to Gowing. + +MAY 23.—Received strange note from Gowing; he said: “Offended? not a bit, +my boy—I thought you were offended with me for losing my temper. +Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle’s stick you +painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at a tobacconist’s. +However, I am much obliged to you for your handsome present all same.” + +MAY 24.—Carrie back. Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except that +the sun has caught her nose. + +MAY 25.—Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to take them +to Trillip’s round the corner. She said: “The fronts and cuffs are much +frayed.” I said without a moment’s hesitation: “I’m _’frayed_ they are.” +Lor! how we roared. I thought we should never stop laughing. As I +happened to be sitting next the driver going to town on the ’bus, I told +him my joke about the “frayed” shirts. I thought he would have rolled +off his seat. They laughed at the office a good bit too over it. + +MAY 26.—Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip’s. I said to him: “I’m +_’fraid_ they are _frayed_.” He said, without a smile: “They’re bound to +do that, sir.” Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of +humour. + +JUNE 1.—The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back, and +Gowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat out in +the garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of children, and +played “consequences.” It is a good game. + +JUNE 2.—“Consequences” again this evening. Not quite so successful as +last night; Gowing having several times overstepped the limits of good +taste. + +JUNE 4.—In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. Cummings’ +to spend a quiet evening with them. Gowing was there, also Mr. +Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings sang five or six +songs, “No, Sir,” and “The Garden of Sleep,” being best in my humble +judgment; but what pleased me most was the duet she sang with +Carrie—classical duet, too. I think it is called, “I would that my +love!” It was beautiful. If Carrie had been in better voice, I don’t +think professionals could have sung it better. After supper we made them +sing it again. I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday +to the “Cow and Hedge,” but I must say he sings comic-songs well. His +song: “We don’t Want the old men now,” made us shriek with laughter, +especially the verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; but there was one verse +I think he might have omitted, and I said so, but Gowing thought it was +the best of the lot. + +JUNE 6.—Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust, his charge +for repairing was more than I gave for them when new. I told him so, and +he impertinently replied: “Well, they are better now than when they were +new.” I paid him, and said it was a robbery. He said: “If you wanted +your shirt-fronts made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing +and bookbinding, why didn’t you say so?” + +JUNE 7.—A dreadful annoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who lives at Peckham, +and who is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to come home +to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think he would accept such a +humble invitation; but he did, saying, in a most friendly way, he would +rather “peck” with us than by himself. I said: “We had better get into +this blue ’bus.” He replied: “No blue-bussing for me. I have had enough +of the blues lately. I lost a cool ‘thou’ over the Copper Scare. Step +in here.” + +We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked three times at +the front door without getting an answer. I saw Carrie, through the +panels of ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs. I told Mr. +Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the side. There I +saw the grocer’s boy actually picking off the paint on the door, which +had formed into blisters. No time to reprove him; so went round and +effected an entrance through the kitchen window. I let in Mr. Franching, +and showed him into the drawing-room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who was +changing her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come +home. She replied: “How can you do such a thing? You know it’s Sarah’s +holiday, and there’s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having +turned with the hot weather.” + +Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down, washed +up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our views of +Japan to look at while I ran round to the butcher’s to get three chops. + +JULY 30.—The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or Carrie, or +both. We seem to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing, +and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times. + +This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking about +balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation drifted +into family matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest reason, +referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father’s pecuniary +trouble. I retorted by saying that “Pa, at all events, was a gentleman,” +whereupon Carrie burst out crying. I positively could not eat any +breakfast. + +At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was very sorry, +but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday. +Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his club, “The +Constitutional.” Fearing disagreeables at home after the “tiff” this +morning, I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I was going out to dine +and she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver bangle for Carrie. + +JULY 31.—Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left with an +affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going to bed. +I told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next Saturday. She +replied quite happily that she did not mind, except that the weather was +so bad, and she feared that Miss Jibbons would not be able to get her a +seaside dress in time. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with +pink bows looked quite good enough; and Carrie said she should not think +of wearing it. I was about to discuss the matter, when, remembering the +argument yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue. + +I said to Carrie: “I don’t think we can do better than ‘Good old +Broadstairs.’” Carrie not only, to my astonishment, raised an objection +to Broadstairs, for the first time; but begged me not to use the +expression, “Good old,” but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and other +_gentlemen_ of his type. Hearing my ’bus pass the window, I was obliged +to rush out of the house without kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted +to her: “I leave it to you to decide.” On returning in the evening, +Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided on +Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour View Terrace, for +apartments. + +AUGUST 1.—Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards’s, and told them not +to cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and also +tight at the knee, looked like a sailor’s, and I heard Pitt, that +objectionable youth at the office, call out “Hornpipe” as I passed his +desk. Carrie has ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge +skirt, which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the +evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, while I read to her the +_Exchange and Mart_. We had a good laugh over my trying on the hat when +she had finished it; Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard, and +how the people would have roared if I went on the stage like it. + +AUGUST 2.—Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms at +Broadstairs. That’s off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and a pair of +tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in the +City, and hear are all the “go.” + +AUGUST 3.—A beautiful day. Looking forward to to-morrow. Carrie bought +a parasol about five feet long. I told her it was ridiculous. She said: +“Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one twice as long so;” the matter dropped. I +bought a capital hat for hot weather at the seaside. I don’t know what +it is called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in India, only made +of straw. Got three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair of +navy-blue socks at Pope Brothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrie +told me not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth’s telescope, which he +always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it. Sent Sarah out +for it. While everything was seeming so bright, the last post brought us +a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: “I have just let all my house to one +party, and am sorry I must take back my words, and am sorry you must find +other apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased to +accommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as her rooms are +engaged Bank Holiday week.” + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter. + +AUGUST 4.—The first post brought a nice letter from our dear son Willie, +acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him, the day before +yesterday being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement he turned +up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way from Oldham. +He said he had got leave from the bank, and as Monday was a holiday he +thought he would give us a little surprise. + +AUGUST 5, Sunday.—We have not seen Willie since last Christmas, and are +pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown. One would scarcely +believe he was Carrie’s son. He looks more like a younger brother. I +rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit on a Sunday, and I think he +ought to have gone to church this morning; but he said he was tired after +yesterday’s journey, so I refrained from any remark on the subject. We +had a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie’s health. + +He said: “Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I’ve cut my first name, +‘William,’ and taken the second name ‘Lupin’? In fact, I’m only known at +Oldham as ‘Lupin Pooter.’ If you were to ‘Willie’ me there, they +wouldn’t know what you meant.” + +Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted, and +began by giving a long history of the Lupins. I ventured to say that I +thought William a nice simple name, and reminded him he was christened +after his Uncle William, who was much respected in the City. Willie, in +a manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: “Oh, I know all +about that—Good old Bill!” and helped himself to a third glass of port. + +Carrie objected strongly to my saying “Good old,” but she made no remark +when Willie used the double adjective. I said nothing, but looked at +her, which meant more. I said: “My dear Willie, I hope you are happy +with your colleagues at the Bank.” He replied: “Lupin, if you please; +and with respect to the Bank, there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and +the ‘boss’ is a cad.” I felt so shocked, I could say nothing, and my +instinct told me there was something wrong. + +AUGUST 6, Bank Holiday.—As there was no sign of Lupin moving at nine +o’clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted at +half-past eight, and asked how long would he be? Lupin replied that he +had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the house all +night, and then with the sun streaming in through the window in his eyes, +and giving him a cracking headache. Carrie came up and asked if he would +like some breakfast sent up, and he said he could do with a cup of tea, +and didn’t want anything to eat. + +Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and said we +dined at two; he said he “would be there.” He never came down till a +quarter to three. I said: “We have not seen much of you, and you will +have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have to leave in an +hour, unless you go by the midnight mail.” He said: “Look here, Guv’nor, +it’s no use beating about the bush. I’ve tendered my resignation at the +Bank.” + +For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came again, I said: “How +dare you, sir? How dare you take such a serious step without consulting +me? Don’t answer me, sir!—you will sit down immediately, and write a +note at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amply apologising +for your thoughtlessness.” + +Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: “It’s no use. If +you want the good old truth, I’ve got the chuck!” + +AUGUST 7.—Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday a week, +as we could not get the room. This will give us an opportunity of trying +to find an appointment for Willie before we go. The ambition of my life +would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp’s firm. + +AUGUST 11.—Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin on our +hands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the +Bank simply because “he took no interest in his work, and always arrived +an hour (sometimes two hours) late.” We can all start off on Monday to +Broadstairs with a light heart. This will take my mind off the worry of +the last few days, which have been wasted over a useless correspondence +with the manager of the Bank at Oldham. + +AUGUST 13.—Hurrah! at Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near the +station. On the cliffs they would have been double the price. The +landlady had a nice five o’clock dinner and tea ready, which we all +enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because there happened to be a +fly in the butter. It was very wet in the evening, for which I was +thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to bed early. Lupin said he +would sit up and read a bit. + +AUGUST 14.—I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading last +night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly +Rooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy of +respectable patronage; but he replied: “Oh, it was only ‘for one night +only.’ I had a fit of the blues come on, and thought I would go to see +Polly Presswell, England’s Particular Spark.” I told him I was proud to +say I had never heard of her. Carrie said: “Do let the boy alone. He’s +quite old enough to take care of himself, and won’t forget he’s a +gentleman. Remember, you were young once yourself.” Rained all day +hard, but Lupin would go out. + +AUGUST 15.—Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate, and the +first person we met on the jetty was Gowing. I said: “Hulloh! I thought +you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?” He said: “Yes, +but young Peter Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I +came down here. You know the Cummings’ are here too?” Carrie said: “Oh, +that will be delightful! We must have some evenings together and have +games.” + +I introduced Lupin, saying: “You will be pleased to find we have our dear +boy at home!” Gowing said: “How’s that? You don’t mean to say he’s left +the Bank?” + +I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those awkward +questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking. + +AUGUST 16.—Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with me +because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat. I don’t +know what the boy is coming to. + +AUGUST 17.—Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and I went for a +sail. It was a relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me, +she always sides with him. On our return, he said: “Oh, you’ve been on +the ‘Shilling Emetic,’ have you? You’ll come to six-pennorth on the +‘Liver Jerker’ next.” I presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected not +to understand him. + +AUGUST 18.—Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening at +Margate. It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the +hotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in fact +disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hasten back to Margate; +whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: “I’ll give you a game, Gowing—a +hundred up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for dinner.” +I said: “Perhaps Mister Gowing does not care to play with boys.” Gowing +surprised me by saying: “Oh yes, I do, if they play well,” and they +walked off together. + +AUGUST 19, Sunday.—I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking (which +he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walked +out. Carrie then read _me_ a long sermon on the palpable inadvisability +of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child. I felt she was somewhat +right, so in the evening I offered him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but, +after a few whiffs, said: “This is a good old tup’ny—try one of mine,” +and he handed me a cigar as long as it was strong, which is saying a good +deal. + +AUGUST 20.—I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, though clouded +overhead. We went over to Cummings’ (at Margate) in the evening, and as +it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual, +overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play “Cutlets,” a game we +never heard of. He sat on a chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap, +an invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined. + +After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing’s knees and Carrie sat +on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie’s lap, then +Cummings on Lupin’s, and Mrs. Cummings on her husband’s. We looked very +ridiculous, and laughed a good deal. + +Gowing then said: “Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?” We had to +answer all together: “Yes—oh, yes!” (three times). Gowing said: “So am +I,” and suddenly got up. The result of this stupid joke was that we all +fell on the ground, and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of +the fender. Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this we +missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs, which cost +me seven-and-sixpence. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +Home again. Mrs. James’ influence on Carrie. Can get nothing for Lupin. +Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome. Some one tampers with my +diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us with an announcement. + +AUGUST 22.—Home sweet Home again! Carrie bought some pretty blue-wool +mats to stand vases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say they are +sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin. + +AUGUST 23.—I bought a pair of stags’ heads made of plaster-of-Paris and +coloured brown. They will look just the thing for our little hall, and +give it style; the heads are excellent imitations. Poolers and Smith are +sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin. + +AUGUST 24.—Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful for him, as +he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up from Sutton and +spend two or three days with us. We have not said a word to Lupin, but +mean to keep it as a surprise. + +AUGUST 25.—Mrs. James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringing with +her an enormous bunch of wild flowers. The more I see of Mrs. James the +nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She went into +Carrie’s room to take off her bonnet, and remained there nearly an hour +talking about dress. Lupin said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs. +James’ _visit_, but was surprised at _her_. + +AUGUST 26, Sunday.—Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having talked +considerably about what to wear all the morning. Lupin does not seem to +get on very well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have some trouble +with our next-door neighbours who came in last Wednesday. Several of +their friends, who drive up in dog-carts, have already made themselves +objectionable. + +An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, and +while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit I +have), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an American, +commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about “_I had thirteen dollars in +my waistcoat pocket_.” I fancied it was meant for me, and my suspicions +were confirmed; for while walking round the garden in my tall hat this +afternoon, a “throw-down” cracker was deliberately aimed at my hat, and +exploded on it like a percussion cap. I turned sharply, and am positive +I saw the man who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroom +windows. + +AUGUST 27.—Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had not returned +when I came back from the office. Judging from the subsequent +conversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie’s head with a lot +of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing’s and asked him to drop +in to supper, and make things pleasant. + +Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of the remainder +of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse, in +case there was not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and custards. +There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on the sideboard. +Mrs. James made us play rather a good game of cards, called “Muggings.” +To my surprise, in fact disgust, Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a +most sarcastic tone, said: “Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for +me, I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the back-garden.” + +Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (who seems to +have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games. Lupin said: +“Let’s play ‘monkeys.’” He then led Gowing all round the room, and +brought him in front of the looking-glass. I must confess I laughed +heartily at this. I was a little vexed at everybody subsequently +laughing at some joke which they did not explain, and it was only on +going to bed I discovered I must have been walking about all the evening +with an antimacassar on one button of my coat-tails. + +AUGUST 28.—Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently +come from next door. Pattles and Pattles can’t find a place for Lupin. + +AUGUST 29.—Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie +appeared in a new dress like a smock-frock. She said “smocking” was all +the rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She also had on a hat as big +as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape. Mrs. James went home, and +both Lupin and I were somewhat pleased—the first time we have agreed on a +single subject since his return. Merkins and Son write they have no +vacancy for Lupin. + +OCTOBER 30.—I should very much like to know who has wilfully torn the +last five or six weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous! Mine +is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the record of my +everyday events, and in keeping up that record I take (with much pride) a +great deal of pains. + +I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She replied it was my own +fault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning and the +sweeps in the house. I said that was not an answer to my question. This +retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, would have been more +effective had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarily +placed in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it. + +Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a pair of +vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding-day by Mrs. +Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie’s cousins, the Pommertons, late of +Dalston. I called to Sarah, and asked her about the diary. She said she +had not been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs. +Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fire +herself. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I examined it, and +found it was a piece of my diary. So it was evident some one had torn my +diary to light the fire. I requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me +to-morrow. + +OCTOBER 31.—Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, saying +that he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This, +in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for I am +bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the record of +disappointing answers received from people to whom I have applied for +appointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell called, and, in reply to me, said: +“She never _see_ no book, much less take such a liberty as _touch_ it.” + +I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said she +would do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep lighting the +fire with a bit of the _Echo_. I requested the sweep to be sent to me +to-morrow. I wish Carrie had not given Lupin a latch-key; we never seem +to see anything of him. I sat up till past one for him, and then retired +tired. + +NOVEMBER 1.—My entry yesterday about “retired tired,” which I did not +notice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so worried just now, +I might have had a little joke about it. The sweep called, but had the +audacity to come up to the hall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot on +the door-step. He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him. He +said Sarah lighted the fire. Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she +was dusting the banisters, and she ran down, and flew into a temper with +the sweep, causing a row on the front door-steps, which I would not have +had happen for anything. I ordered her about her business, and told the +sweep I was sorry to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps +were covered with soot in consequence of his visit. I would willingly +give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary. + +NOVEMBER 2.—I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I +never tire. We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on “Is +Marriage a Failure?” It has been no failure in our case. In talking +over our own happy experiences, we never noticed that it was past +midnight. We were startled by hearing the door slam violently. Lupin +had come in. He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, or +even to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed, +making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for a moment, and he +begged to be excused, as he was “dead beat,” an observation that was +scarcely consistent with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour +afterwards, he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, “See +me dance the polka!” or some such nonsense. + +NOVEMBER 3.—Good news at last. Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment for +Lupin, and he is to go and see about it on Monday. Oh, how my mind is +relieved! I went to Lupin’s room to take the good news to him, but he +was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep it over till the evening. + +He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur Dramatic +Club, called the “Holloway Comedians”; and, though it was a pleasant +evening, he had sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in the head. He +declined to have any breakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had up +a special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a wonder, we filled our +glasses, and I said: “Lupin my boy, I have some good and unexpected news +for you. Mr. Perkupp has procured you an appointment!” Lupin said: +“Good biz!” and we drained our glasses. + +Lupin then said: “Fill up the glasses again, for I have some good and +unexpected news for you.” + +I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she said: +“I hope we shall think it good news.” + +Lupin said: “Oh, it’s all right! _I’m engaged to be married_!” + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. Lupin’s new berth. Fireworks +at the Cummings’. The “Holloway Comedians.” Sarah quarrels with the +charwoman. Lupin’s uncalled-for interference. Am introduced to Daisy +Mutlar. We decide to give a party in her honour. + +NOVEMBER 5, Sunday.—Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy Lupin +getting engaged to be married without consulting us or anything. After +dinner he told us all about it. He said the lady’s name was Daisy +Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most accomplished girl he +ever met. He loved her the moment he saw her, and if he had to wait +fifty years he would wait, and he knew she would wait for him. + +Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a different +world to him now,—it was a world worth living in. He lived with an +object now, and that was to make Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Pooter, and he would +guarantee she would not disgrace the family of the Pooters. Carrie here +burst out crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and in doing so, +upset the glass of port he held in his hand all over his new light +trousers. + +I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her, but +Carrie said she loved her already. I thought this rather premature, but +held my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of conversation for the +remainder of the day. I asked Lupin who her people were, and he replied: +“Oh, you know Mutlar, Williams and Watts.” I did not know, but refrained +from asking any further questions at present, for fear of irritating +Lupin. + +NOVEMBER 6.—Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long conversation +with Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which was that he accepted +a clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock and Share +Brokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising firm, and he +did not think much of it. I replied: “Beggars should not be choosers;” +and I will do Lupin the justice to say, he looked rather ashamed of +himself. + +In the evening we went round to the Cummings’, to have a few fireworks. +It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull. One of my squibs would +not go off, and Gowing said: “Hit it on your boot, boy; it will go off +then.” I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot, and it went off +with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers rather badly. I gave the +rest of the squibs to the little Cummings’ boy to let off. + +Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse on my +head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake in the ground +by way of a grand finale. He made a great fuss about it; said it cost +seven shillings. There was a little difficulty in getting it alight. At +last it went off; but after a couple of slow revolutions it stopped. I +had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send it round, and, +unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to the grass. Anybody would have +thought I had set the house on fire from the way in which they stormed at +me. I will never join in any more firework parties. It is a ridiculous +waste of time and money. + +NOVEMBER 7.—Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie said +she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed with +Carrie, and this led to an argument. However, the matter was settled by +Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, and we must get some +more printed, and when they were finished would be quite time enough to +discuss the etiquette of calling. + +NOVEMBER 8.—I ordered some of our cards at Black’s, the stationers. I +ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long time. In +the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss Mutlar’s brother. He +was rather a gawky youth, and Lupin said he was the most popular and best +amateur in the club, referring to the “Holloway Comedians.” Lupin +whispered to us that if we could only “draw out” Harry a bit, he would +make us roar with laughter. + +At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He took up a knife, +and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek in a wonderful +manner. He also gave an imitation of an old man with no teeth, smoking a +big cigar. The way he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits. + +In the course of conversation, Daisy’s name cropped up, and young Mutlar +said he would bring his sister round to us one evening—his parents being +rather old-fashioned, and not going out much. Carrie said we would get +up a little special party. As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go, +and it was approaching eleven o’clock, as a hint I reminded Lupin that he +had to be up early to-morrow. Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began a +series of comic imitations. He went on for an hour without cessation. +Poor Carrie could scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an +excuse, and said “Good-night.” + +Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hall +something about the “Holloway Comedians,” and to my disgust, although it +was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went out with his +new companion. + +NOVEMBER 9.—My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out of my diary +still fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we see little +of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal times. Cummings +dropped in. + +NOVEMBER 10.—Lupin seems to like his new berth—that’s a comfort. Daisy +Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie almost as full +of it as Lupin. Lupin informs me, to my disgust, that he has been +persuaded to take part in the forthcoming performance of the “Holloway +Comedians.” He says he is to play Bob Britches in the farce, _Gone to my +Uncle’s_; Frank Mutlar is going to play old Musty. I told Lupin pretty +plainly I was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and +totally disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the evening. + +NOVEMBER 11.—Returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful +uproar, Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her +bedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (the +charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of +her voice that she was “no thief, that she was a respectable woman, who +had to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone’s face who +put lies into her mouth.” Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hear +me come in. He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, +in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong +language in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to hear +him say: “And all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a rotten +diary that wouldn’t fetch three-halfpence a pound!” I said, quietly: +“Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of +this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins.” + +I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused Mrs. +Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen fat +and leavings which she had taken out of the house last week. Mrs. +Birrell had slapped Sarah’s face, and said she had taken nothing out of +the place, as there was “never no leavings to take.” I ordered Sarah +back to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go home. When I entered +the parlour Lupin was kicking his legs in the air, and roaring with +laughter. + +NOVEMBER 12, Sunday.—Coming home from church Carrie and I met Lupin, +Daisy Mutlar, and her brother. Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked +home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We asked them in for +a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future daughter-in-law. My +heart quite sank. She is a big young woman, and I should think at least +eight years older than Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. +Carrie asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother +to meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be too pleased. + +NOVEMBER 13.—Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr. +and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr. +Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a nice affair, +and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? I said I feared we were not +quite grand enough for him. Carrie said there was “no offence in asking +him.” I said: “Certainly not,” and I wrote him a letter. Carrie +confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlar’s appearance, +but thought she seemed a nice girl. + +NOVEMBER 14.—Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand little +party for to-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shall keep, +wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could get away, he +would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was busy all day, making +little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies. She said she felt quite +nervous about her responsibilities to-morrow evening. We decided to have +some light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, +and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and a +Paysandu tongue—for the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked. + +Gowing called to know if he was to put on “swallow-tails” to-morrow. +Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr. Franching was coming, +and there was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an appearance. + +Gowing said: “Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not worn my +dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases pressed +out.” + +After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy +Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact, +disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friend +Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a green-grocer +engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took him for one. + +I fairly lost my temper, and said: “Lupin, allow me to tell you Miss +Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I gave you credit for more +wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an engagement with a +woman considerably older than yourself. I advise you to think of earning +your living before entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have to +support, and, in all probability, her brother also, who appeared to be +nothing but a loafer.” + +Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped up +and said: “If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me. I will +leave the house and never darken your doors again.” + +He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all right. +He came back to supper, and we played Bézique till nearly twelve o’clock. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +Our first important Party. Old Friends and New Friends. Gowing is a +little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite +amusing. Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind and +complimentary. Party a great success. + +NOVEMBER 15.—A red-letter day. Our first important party since we have +been in this house. I got home early from the City. Lupin insisted on +having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne. I think this +an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece of luck, having +made three pounds out a private deal in the City. I hope he won’t gamble +in his new situation. The supper-room looked so nice, and Carrie truly +said: “We need not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he +honour us by coming.” + +I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight o’clock, +and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much too short. + +Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my wearing +ordinary boots instead of dress-boots. + +I replied satirically: “My dear son, I have lived to be above that sort +of thing.” + +Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man generally was above his +boots.” + +This may be funny, or it may _not_; but I was gratified to find he had +not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. Carrie looked a +picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House. The +arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin +curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for +we had removed the door from its hinges. + +Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict +orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one was +empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed on the +drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses. By-the-by, our new enlarged +and tinted photographs look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie +has arranged some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them. + +The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted me with: +“Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!” + +I simply said: “Very likely, and you will find my temper ‘_short_’ also.” + +He said: “That won’t make your trousers longer, Juggins. You should get +your missus to put a flounce on them.” + +I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my diary. + +The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former said: “As you +didn’t say anything about dress, I have come ‘half dress.’” He had on a +black frock-coat and white tie. The James’, Mr. Merton, and Mr. +Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable till his Daisy +Mutlar and Frank arrived. + +Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’s appearance. She had a +bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck. I do not think such a +style modest. She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered +her shoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg and his +four daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two of Lupin’s new +friends, members of the “Holloway Comedians.” Some of these seemed +rather theatrical in their manner, especially one, who was posing all the +evening, and leant on our little round table and cracked it. Lupin +called him “our Henry,” and said he was “our lead at the H.C.’s,” and was +quite as good in that department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy +merchant. All this is Greek to me. + +We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy’s side for a moment, +raved over her singing of a song, called “Some Day.” It seemed a pretty +song, but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so out of tune, I +would not have asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her sing four +songs right off, one after the other. + +At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing and +Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for a month. +I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp should come by +mere chance. Gowing annoyed me very much by filling a large tumbler of +champagne, and drinking it straight off. He repeated this action, and +made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out. I tried to +keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it, and took it to the +side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar. + +We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking. Carrie put a +stop to that at once. Stillbrook amused us with a song, “What have you +done with your Cousin John?” I did not notice that Lupin and Frank had +disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of the Holloways, where they were, +and he said: “It’s a case of ‘Oh, what a surprise!’” + +We were directed to form a circle—which we did. Watson then said: “I +have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated Blondin Donkey.” Frank +and Lupin then bounded into the room. Lupin had whitened his face like a +clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large hearthrug. He was +supposed to be the donkey, and he looked it. They indulged in a very +noisy pantomime, and we were all shrieking with laughter. + +I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perkupp standing half-way in +the door, he having arrived without our knowing it. I beckoned to +Carrie, and we went up to him at once. He would not come right into the +room. I apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh, it seems +amusing.” I could see he was not a bit amused. + +Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck. There was +not a glass of champagne left—not even a sandwich. Mr. Perkupp said he +required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer or soda water. The +last syphon was empty. Carrie said: “We have plenty of port wine left.” +Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile: “No, thank you. I really require +nothing, but I am most pleased to see you and your husband in your own +home. Good-night, Mrs. Pooter—you will excuse my very short stay, I +know.” I went with him to his carriage, and he said: “Don’t trouble to +come to the office till twelve to-morrow.” + +I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie I +thought the party was a failure. Carrie said it was a great success, and +I was only tired, and insisted on my having some port myself. I drank +two glasses, and felt much better, and we went into the drawing-room, +where they had commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which +I said reminded me of old days. She said I was a spooney old thing. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +Reflections. I make another Good Joke. Am annoyed at the constant +serving-up of the “Blanc-Mange.” Lupin expresses his opinion of +Weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar. + +NOVEMBER 16.—Woke about twenty times during the night, with terrible +thirst. Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well as half that +in the jug. Kept dreaming also, that last night’s party was a failure, +and that a lot of low people came without invitation, and kept chaffing +and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp, till at last I was obliged to hide +him in the box-room (which we had just discovered), with a bath-towel +over him. It seems absurd now, but it was painfully real in the dream. +I had the same dream about a dozen times. + +Carrie annoyed me by saying: “You know champagne never agrees with you.” +I told her I had only a couple of glasses of it, having kept myself +entirely to port. I added that good champagne hurt nobody, and Lupin +told me he had only got it from a traveller as a favour, as that +particular brand had been entirely bought up by a West-End club. + +I think I ate too heartily of the “side dishes,” as the waiter called +them. I said to Carrie: “I wish I had put those ‘side dishes’ _aside_.” +I repeated this, but Carrie was busy, packing up the teaspoons we had +borrowed of Mrs. Cummings for the party. It was just half-past eleven, +and I was starting for the office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow +complexion, and said: “Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you this +morning?” I told him he might just as well speak to me in Dutch. He +added: “When I woke this morning, my head was as big as Baldwin’s +balloon.” On the spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I +have ever said; viz.: “Perhaps that accounts for the para_shooting_ +pains.” We roared. + +NOVEMBER 17.—Still feel tired and headachy! In the evening Gowing +called, and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday. He said +everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. +Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never know how +long it will last. For instance, he stopped to supper, and seeing some +_blanc-mange_ on the table, shouted out, while the servant was in the +room: “Hulloh! The remains of Wednesday?” + +NOVEMBER 18.—Woke up quite fresh after a good night’s rest, and feel +quite myself again. I am satisfied a life of going-out and Society is +not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation which we received +this morning to Miss Bird’s wedding. We only met her twice at Mrs. +James’, and it means a present. Lupin said: “I am with you for once. To +my mind a wedding’s a very poor play. There are only two parts in it—the +bride and bridegroom. The best man is only a walking gentleman. With +the exception of a crying father and a snivelling mother, the rest are +_supers_ who have to dress well and have to _pay_ for their insignificant +parts in the shape of costly presents.” I did not care for the +theatrical slang, but thought it clever, though disrespectful. + +I told Sarah not to bring up the _blanc-mange_ again for breakfast. It +seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday. +Cummings came round in the evening, and congratulated us on the success +of our party. He said it was the best party he had been to for many a +year; but he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as he would +have turned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet game of +dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lupin and Frank +Mutlar. Cummings and I asked them to join us. Lupin said he did not +care for dominoes, and suggested a game of “Spoof.” On my asking if it +required counters, Frank and Lupin in measured time said: “One, two, +three; go! Have you an estate in Greenland?” It was simply Greek to me, +but it appears it is one of the customs of the “Holloway Comedians” to do +this when a member displays ignorance. + +In spite of my instructions, that _blanc-mange_ was brought up again for +supper. To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to disguise it, +by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it. Carrie asked Lupin if +he would have some, and he replied: “No second-hand goods for me, thank +you.” I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that _blanc-mange_ were +placed on the table again I should walk out of the house. + +NOVEMBER 19, Sunday.—A delightfully quiet day. In the afternoon Lupin +was off to spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. He departed in +the best of spirits, and Carrie said: “Well, one advantage of Lupin’s +engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems happy all day long. That +quite reconciles me to what I must confess seems an imprudent +engagement.” + +Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed that +it did not always follow that an early engagement meant an unhappy +marriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that we married early, and, with the +exception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had never had a really +serious word. I could not help thinking (as I told her) that half the +pleasures of life were derived from the little struggles and small +privations that one had to endure at the beginning of one’s married life. +Such struggles were generally occasioned by want of means, and often +helped to make loving couples stand together all the firmer. + +Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I was quite +a philosopher. + +We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered by Carrie’s +little compliment. I don’t pretend to be able to express myself in fine +language, but I feel I have the power of expressing my thoughts with +simplicity and lucidness. About nine o’clock, to our surprise, Lupin +entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I must +say seemed rather theatrical, said: “Have you any brandy?” I said: “No; +but here is some whisky.” Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful without +water, to my horror. + +We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I rose to +go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin: “I hope Daisy is well?” + +Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from the +“Holloway Comedians,” replied: “Oh, Daisy? You mean Miss Mutlar. I +don’t know whether she is well or not, but please _never to mention her +name again in my presence_.” + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +We have a dose of Irving imitations. Make the acquaintance of a Mr. +Padge. Don’t care for him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance. + +NOVEMBER 20.—Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day. Bought a cheap +address-book. I spent the evening copying in the names and addresses of +my friends and acquaintances. Left out the Mutlars of course. + +NOVEMBER 21.—Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening. He asked +for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mind was +theatrical and quite ineffective. I said: “My boy, I have none, and I +don’t think I should give it you if I had.” Lupin said: “I’ll go where I +can get some,” and walked out of the house. Carrie took the boy’s part, +and the rest of the evening was spent in a disagreeable discussion, in +which the words “Daisy” and “Mutlar” must have occurred a thousand times. + +NOVEMBER 22.—Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening. Lupin +also came in, bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton—one of the +“Holloway Comedians”—who was at our party the other night, and who +cracked our little round table. Happy to say Daisy Mutlar was never +referred to. The conversation was almost entirely monopolised by the +young fellow Fosselton, who not only looked rather like Mr. Irving, but +seemed to imagine that he _was_ the celebrated actor. I must say he gave +some capital imitations of him. As he showed no signs of moving at +supper time, I said: “If you like to stay, Mr. Fosselton, for our usual +crust—pray do.” He replied: “Oh! thanks; but please call me +Burwin-Fosselton. It is a double name. There are lots of Fosseltons, +but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.” + +He began doing the Irving business all through supper. He sank so low +down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the table, and +twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and flashed a +knife uncomfortably near Gowing’s face. After supper he kept stretching +out his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from plays +which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over the fire-irons, +making a hideous row—poor Carrie already having a bad headache. + +When he went, he said, to our surprise: “I will come to-morrow and bring +my Irving make-up.” Gowing and Cummings said they would like to see it +and would come too. I could not help thinking they might as well give a +party at my house while they are about it. However, as Carrie sensibly +said: “Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy Mutlar +business.” + +NOVEMBER 23.—In the evening, Cummings came early. Gowing came a little +later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I think, very +vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all moustache. Gowing +never attempted any apology to either of us, but said Padge wanted to see +the Irving business, to which Padge said: “That’s right,” and that is +about all he _did_ say during the entire evening. Lupin came in and +seemed in much better spirits. He had prepared a bit of a surprise. Mr. +Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him, but had gone upstairs to get +ready. In half-an-hour Lupin retired from the parlour, and returning in +a few minutes, announced “Mr. Henry Irving.” + +I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a resemblance. It +was astonishing. The only person who did not appear interested was the +man Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puffing away at a foul +pipe into the fireplace. After some little time I said; “Why do actors +always wear their hair so long?” Carrie in a moment said, “Mr. Hare +doesn’t wear long _hair_.” How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton, who +said, in a rather patronising kind of way, “The joke, Mrs. Pooter, is +extremely appropriate, if not altogether new.” Thinking this rather a +snub, I said: “Mr. Fosselton, I fancy—” He interrupted me by saying: +“Mr. _Burwin_-Fosselton, if you please,” which made me quite forget what +I was going to say to him. During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again +monopolised the conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I +came to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of Irving. +After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too boisterous over his +Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat, +dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of course, into Gowing’s neck and took a +piece of flesh out. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who +having declined our modest supper in order that he should not lose his +comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the +little misadventure. I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said: +“I suppose you would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing’s eye out?” +to which Padge replied: “That’s right,” and laughed more than ever. I +think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we broke up, for Mr. +Burwin-Fosselton said: “Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I’m glad you like the +imitation, I’ll bring _the other make-up to-morrow night_.” + +NOVEMBER 24.—I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief. This is the +second time I have done this during the last week. I must be losing my +memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I would have +written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him I should be out this +evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man who would come all the +same. + +Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a little +note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, which rather +amused me. He added that his neck was still painful. Of course, +Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, and imagine my utter +disgust when that man Padge actually came again, and not even accompanied +by Gowing. I was exasperated, and said: “Mr. Padge, this is a +_surprise_.” Dear Carrie, fearing unpleasantness, said: “Oh! I suppose +Mr. Padge has only come to see the other Irving make-up.” Mr. Padge +said: “That’s right,” and took the best chair again, from which he never +moved the whole evening. + +My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an expensive +guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter. The Irving +imitations and conversations occupied the whole evening, till I was sick +of it. Once we had a rather heated discussion, which was commenced by +Cummings saying that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not +only _like_ Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as _good_ or +even _better_. I ventured to remark that after all it was but an +imitation of an original. + +Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the originals. I +made what I considered a very clever remark: “Without an original there +can be no imitation.” Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quite impertinently: +“Don’t discuss me in my presence, if you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I +should advise you to talk about what you understand;” to which that cad +Padge replied: “That’s right.” Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by +suddenly saying: “I’ll be Ellen Terry.” Dear Carrie’s imitation wasn’t a +bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the disagreeable +discussion passed off. When they left, I very pointedly said to Mr. +Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should be engaged to-morrow +evening. + +NOVEMBER 25.—Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting last night’s +Irving discussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knew little +or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least interested in them +and positively declined to be drawn into a discussion on the subject, +even at the risk of its leading to a breach of friendship. I never wrote +a more determined letter. + +On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met near the +Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a leap. I bowed rather stiffly, but +she affected not to have seen me. Very much annoyed in the evening by +the laundress sending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs, +and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were sent. I spoke to +Carrie about it, but she rather testily replied: “I am tired of speaking +to her; you had better go and speak to her yourself. She is outside.” I +did so, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent. + +Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to listen +to the conversation, and interrupting, said: “Don’t waste the odd sock, +old man; do an act of charity and give it to some poor man with only one +leg.” The laundress giggled like an idiot. I was disgusted and walked +upstairs for the purpose of pinning down my collar, as the button had +come off the back of my shirt. + +When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic joke +about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter. I suppose I am +losing my sense of humour. I spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge. +Gowing said he had met him only once before that evening. He had been +introduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) had “stood” a good dinner, +Gowing wished to show him some little return. Upon my word, Gowing’s +coolness surpasses all belief. Lupin came in before I could reply, and +Gowing unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupin shouted: “Mind +your own business, sir!” and bounced out of the room, slamming the door. +The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar. +Oh dear! + +NOVEMBER 26, Sunday.—The curate preached a very good sermon to-day—very +good indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as our dear old +vicar’s, but I am bound to say his sermons are much more impressive. A +rather annoying incident occurred, of which I must make mention. Mrs. +Fernlosse, who is quite a grand lady, living in one of those large houses +in the Camden Road, stopped to speak to me after church, when we were all +coming out. I must say I felt flattered, for she is thought a good deal +of. I suppose she knew me through seeing me so often take round the +plate, especially as she always occupies the corner seat of the pew. She +is a very influential lady, and may have had something of the utmost +importance to say, but unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a strong +gust of wind came and blew my hat off into the middle of the road. + +I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in recovering it. +When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs. Fernlosse had walked on +with some swell friends, and I felt I could not well approach her now, +especially as my hat was smothered with mud. I cannot say how +disappointed I felt. + +In the evening (_Sunday_ evening of all others) I found an impertinent +note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows: + + “DEAR MR. POOTER,—Although your junior by perhaps some twenty or + thirty years—which is sufficient reason that you ought to have a + longer record of the things and ways in this miniature of a planet—I + feel it is just within the bounds of possibility that the wheels of + your life don’t travel so quickly round as those of the humble writer + of these lines. The dandy horse of past days has been known to + overtake the _slow coach_. + + “Do I make myself understood? + + “Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise you to accept the + _verb. sap_. Acknowledge your defeat, and take your whipping + gracefully; for remember you threw down the glove, and I cannot claim + to be either mentally or physically a _coward_! + + “_Revenons à nos moutons_. + + “Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY ART—THE STAGE. + Your life is devoted to commercial pursuits—‘A life among Ledgers.’ + My books are of different metal. Your life in the City is + honourable, I admit. _But how different_! Cannot even you see the + ocean between us? A channel that prevents the meeting of our brains + in harmonious accord. Ah! But _chaçun à son goût_. + + “I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame. I may crawl, I + may slip, I may even falter (we are all weak), but _reach the top + rung of the ladder I will_!!! When there, my voice shall be heard, + for I will shout to the multitudes below: ‘_Vici_!’ For the present + I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, forsooth, save to a + party of friends, with here and there an enemy. + + “But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, ‘What is the difference between the + amateur and the professional?’ + + “None!!! + + “Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is _paid_ for doing what the + other does as skilfully for _nothing_! + + “But I will be _paid_, too! For _I_, contrary to the wishes of my + family and friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as _my_ + profession. And when the _farce_ craze is over—and, _mark you_, + _that will be soon_—I will make my power known; for I feel—pardon my + apparent conceit—that there is no living man who can play the + hump-backed Richard as I _feel_ and _know_ I can. + + “And _you_ will be the first to come round and bend your head in + submission. There are many matters you may understand, but knowledge + of the fine art of acting is to you an _unknown quantity_. + + “Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. _Vale_! + + Yours truly, + “BURWIN-FOSSELTON.” + +I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent +letter, and said: “My boy, in that letter you can see the true character +of your friend.” + +Lupin, to my surprise, said: “Oh yes. He showed me the letter before he +sent it. I think he is right, and you ought to apologise.” + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary. Lupin’s +opinion of ’Xmas. Lupin’s unfortunate engagement is on again. + +DECEMBER 17.—As I open my scribbling diary I find the words “Oxford +Michaelmas Term ends.” Why this should induce me to indulge in +retrospective I don’t know, but it does. The last few weeks of my diary +are of minimum interest. The breaking off of the engagement between +Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a different being, and Carrie a +rather depressing companion. She was a little dull last Saturday, and I +thought to cheer her up by reading some extracts from my diary; but she +walked out of the room in the middle of the reading, without a word. On +her return, I said: “Did my diary bore you, darling?” + +She replied, to my surprise: “I really wasn’t listening, dear. I was +obliged to leave to give instructions to the laundress. In consequence +of some stuff she puts in the water, two more of Lupin’s coloured shirts +have run and he says he won’t wear them.” + +I said: “Everything is Lupin. It’s all Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. There was +not a single button on my shirt yesterday, but _I_ made no complaint.” + +Carrie simply replied: “You should do as all other men do, and wear +studs. In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons on the +shirt-fronts.” + +I said: “I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none on.” + +Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in the +evening, and Cummings never does. I fear they don’t get on well with +Lupin. + +DECEMBER 18.—Yesterday I was in a retrospective vein—to-day it is +_prospective_. I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds. Lupin is +perfectly intolerable over the Daisy Mutlar business. He won’t say what +is the cause of the breach. He is evidently condemning her conduct, and +yet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won’t hear a word against +her. So what is one to do? Another thing which is disappointing to me +is, that Carrie and Lupin take no interest whatever in my diary. + +I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day. I said: “I was in +hopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary would be an +endless source of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of the chance of +the remuneration which may accrue from its being published.” + +Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie was sorry for this, I +could see, for she said: “I did not mean to be rude, dear Charlie; but +truly I do not think your diary would sufficiently interest the public to +be taken up by a publisher.” + +I replied: “I am sure it would prove quite as interesting as some of the +ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately. Besides, it’s +the diary that makes the man. Where would Evelyn and Pepys have been if +it had not been for their diaries?” + +Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering tone, +said: “If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., we might get a fair +price from a butterman for it.” + +As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year will see the +end of my diary. + +DECEMBER 19.—The annual invitation came to spend Christmas with Carrie’s +mother—the usual family festive gathering to which we always look +forward. Lupin declined to go. I was astounded, and expressed my +surprise and disgust. Lupin then obliged us with the following Radical +speech: “I hate a family gathering at Christmas. What does it mean? Why +someone says: ‘Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who was here last year,’ and +we all begin to snivel. Someone else says: ‘It’s two years since poor +Aunt Liz used to sit in that corner.’ Then we all begin to snivel again. +Then another gloomy relation says ‘Ah! I wonder whose turn it will be +next?’ Then we all snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much; +and they don’t discover until _I_ get up that we have been seated +thirteen at dinner.” + +DECEMBER 20.—Went to Smirksons’, the drapers, in the Strand, who this +year have turned out everything in the shop and devoted the whole place +to the sale of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with people, who seemed to +take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a hurried glance at them, +throw them down again. I remarked to one of the young persons serving, +that carelessness appeared to be a disease with some purchasers. The +observation was scarcely out of my mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve +caught against a large pile of expensive cards in boxes one on top of the +other, and threw them down. The manager came forward, looking very much +annoyed, and picking up several cards from the ground, said to one of the +assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me: “Put these amongst the +sixpenny goods; they can’t be sold for a shilling now.” The result was, +I felt it my duty to buy some of these damaged cards. + +I had to buy more and pay more than intended. Unfortunately I did not +examine them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar card with a +picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and the other white, +and the words: “We wish Pa a Merry Christmas.” I tore up the card and +threw it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage of going out in +Society and increasing the number of our friends was, that we should have +to send out nearly two dozen cards this year. + +DECEMBER 21.—To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we follow the +example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most of +the cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. I shall buy +all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, ever since he has had the +appointment with a stock and share broker, does not seem over-scrupulous +in his dealings) told me never to rub out the pencilled price on the +backs of the cards. I asked him why. Lupin said: “Suppose your card is +marked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a 3—and a long +down-stroke after it—in _front_ of the ninepence, and people will think +you have given five times the price for it.” + +In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that +behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said: “Ugh! it never shines on +me.” I said: “Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about Daisy Mutlar. +Don’t think of her any more. You ought to congratulate yourself on +having got off a very bad bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our +simple tastes.” He jumped up and said: “I won’t allow one word to be +uttered against her. She’s worth the whole bunch of your friends put +together, that inflated, sloping-head of a Perkupp included.” I left the +room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat. + +DECEMBER 23.—I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; but as he +seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured to ask him +where he intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: “Oh, most likely +at the Mutlars’.” + +In wonderment, I said: “What! after your engagement has been broken off?” + +Lupin said: “Who said it is off?” + +I said: “You have given us both to understand—” + +He interrupted me by saying: “Well, never mind what I said. _It is on +again—there_!” + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +I receive an insulting Christmas card. We spend a pleasant Christmas at +Carrie’s mother’s. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. A boisterous evening, +during which I am struck in the dark. I receive an extraordinary letter +from Mr. Mutlar, senior, respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old +Year. + +DECEMBER 24.—I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to +find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this +morning. I never insult people; why should they insult me? The worst +part of the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all my friends. +The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised, being written +sloping the wrong way. I cannot think either Gowing or Cummings would do +such a mean thing. Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; +although I disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the offender. +Mr. Franching would be above such an act; and I don’t think any of the +Mutlars would descend to such a course. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent +clerk at the office, did it? Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, or +Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the former. + +CHRISTMAS DAY.—We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a +pleasant day at Carrie’s mother’s. The country was quite nice and +pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in the middle of the +day, just ten of us, and talked over old times. If everybody had a nice, +_un_interfering mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness +there would be in the world. Being all in good spirits, I proposed her +health, and I made, I think, a very good speech. + +I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: “On an occasion like this—whether +relatives, friends, or acquaintances,—we are all inspired with good +feelings towards each other. We are of one mind, and think only of love +and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absent friends should +kiss and make it up. Those who happily have not fallen out, can kiss all +the same.” + +I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must say I +felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear old Reverend John Panzy +Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech, and said +he should act on my suggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked +round the table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Of course +one did not object to this; but I was more than staggered when a young +fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and who had scarcely spoken +a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprig of misletoe, and +exclaimed: “Hulloh! I don’t see why I shouldn’t be on in this scene.” +Before one could realise what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and +the rest of the ladies. + +Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed; but it +was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a moment as to the +result. I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: +“Oh, he’s not much more than a boy.” I said that he had a very large +moustache for a boy. Carrie replied: “I didn’t say he was not a nice +boy.” + +DECEMBER 26.—I did not sleep very well last night; I never do in a +strange bed. I feel a little indigestion, which one must expect at this +time of the year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening. Lupin +came in late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, and added: “I feel as +fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only require a little more ‘oof’ to +feel as fit as a £500 Stradivarius.” I have long since given up trying +to understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him to explain it. + +DECEMBER 27.—I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in +to-morrow evening for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would +volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, he said: +“Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and Frank Mutlar +to come.” I said I could not think of doing such a thing. Lupin said: +“Then I will send a wire, and put off Daisy.” I suggested that a +post-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would not be +so extravagant. + +Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent +annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. She said: “Lupin, why +do you object to Daisy meeting your father’s friends? Is it because they +are not good enough for her, or (which is equally possible) _she_ is not +good enough for them?” Lupin was dumbfounded, and could make no reply. +When he left the room, I gave Carrie a kiss of approval. + +DECEMBER 28—Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his mother: “I +have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and +Cummings this evening.” I felt very pleased with the boy for this. +Carrie said, in reply: “I am glad you let me know in time, as I can turn +over the cold leg of mutton, dress it with a little parsley, and no one +will know it has been cut.” She further said she would make a few +custards, and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by the +evening. + +Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had any +personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings. He replied: “Not in the +least. I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to +his patronising ‘the three-and-six-one-price hat company,’ and wearing a +reach-me-down frock-coat. As for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket +of Gowing’s—why, he resembles an itinerant photographer.” + +I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon Lupin, with +a laugh, replied: “No, and it wasn’t much of a gentleman who made their +coats.” + +We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very agreeable, +especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she sang. At supper, +however, she said: “Can you make tee-to-tums with bread?” and she +commenced rolling up pieces of bread, and twisting them round on the +table. I felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing. +Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing bread-pills at +each other. Frank followed suit, and so did Cummings and Gowing, to my +astonishment. They then commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one +piece catching me on the forehead, and making me blink. I said: “Steady, +please; steady!” Frank jumped up and said: “Tum, tum; then the band +played.” + +I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued the +bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the cold +mutton, and threw it full in my face. I looked daggers at Gowing, who +replied: “I say, it’s no good trying to look indignant, with your hair +full of parsley.” I rose from the table, and insisted that a stop should +be put to this foolery at once. Frank Mutlar shouted: “Time, gentlemen, +please! time!” and turned out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness. + +I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received a hard +intentional punch at the back of my head. I said loudly: “Who did that?” +There was no answer; so I repeated the question, with the same result. I +struck a match, and lighted the gas. They were all talking and laughing, +so I kept my own counsel; but, after they had gone, I said to Carrie; +“The person who sent me that insulting post-card at Christmas was here +to-night.” + +DECEMBER 29.—I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up, and on +falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt I +heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent me the +insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one who punched my +head last night in the dark. As fate would have it, Lupin, at breakfast, +was reading extracts from a letter he had just received from Frank. + +I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing. He +did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing the +Christmas card. I detected a similarity in the writing, in spite of the +attempted disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh. I +asked her what she was laughing at, and she said the card was never +directed to me at all. It was “L. Pooter,” not “C. Pooter.” Lupin asked +to look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh: “Oh +yes, Guv., it’s meant for me.” + +I said: “Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards?” +He replied: “Oh yes, and of _sending_ them, too.” + +In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much last +night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old friend, about +the vicious punch last night. He burst out laughing, and said: “Oh, it +was _your head_, was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I +thought it was a brick wall.” I told him I felt hurt, in both senses of +the expression. + +DECEMBER 30, Sunday.—Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars. He +seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: “I’m glad to see you so +happy, Lupin.” He answered: “Well, Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was +obliged to take her old fool of a father down a peg. What with his +meanness over his cigars, his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing +economy in turning down the gas if you only quit the room for a second, +writing to one on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the +last cake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each side of +the fireplace, and his general ‘outside-halfpenny-‘bus-ness,’ I was +compelled to let him have a bit of my mind.” I said: “Lupin, you are not +much more than a boy; I hope you won’t repent it.” + +DECEMBER 31.—The last day of the Old Year. I received an extraordinary +letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior. He writes: “Dear Sir,—For a long time +past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the important question, +‘Who is the master of my own house? Myself, or _your son_ Lupin?’ +Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I have been +most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect that I am the +master of it. Under the circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid +your son to enter my house again. I am sorry, because it deprives me of +the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly +persons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with.” + +I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said nothing +to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter. + +A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but promised +to be back to drink out the Old Year—a custom we have always observed. +At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned, and the fog was fearful. +As time was drawing close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I deciding +on whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt like brandy. +As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing to discuss. Carrie, +evidently vexed that Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all the same, +and wanted me to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell. I +said I could decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary +argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it was a +quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married life, we +missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home at a quarter-past two, +having got lost in the fog—so he said. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + +Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office. I make two +good jokes. I get an enormous rise in my salary. Lupin speculates +successfully and starts a pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah. +Extraordinary conduct of Gowing’s. + +JANUARY 1.—I had intended concluding my diary last week; but a most +important event has happened, so I shall continue for a little while +longer on the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year’s diary. It +had just struck half-past one, and I was on the point of leaving the +office to have my dinner, when I received a message that Mr. Perkupp +desired to see me at once. I must confess that my heart commenced to +beat and I had most serious misgivings. + +Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: “Take a seat, Mr. +Pooter, I shall not be a moment.” + +I replied: “No, thank you, sir; I’ll stand.” + +I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite twenty +minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp at last got up himself. + +I said: “I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?” + +He replied: “Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope.” What a weight off +my mind! My breath seemed to come back again in an instant. + +Mr. Perkupp said: “Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there will be +some slight changes in the office. You have been with us nearly +twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during that period, +we intend making a special promotion in your favour. We have not quite +decided how you will be placed; but in any case there will be a +considerable increase in your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for +me to say, you fully deserve. I have an appointment at two; but you +shall hear more to-morrow.” + +He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or thought +to express a single word of grateful thanks to him. I need not say how +dear Carrie received this joyful news. With perfect simplicity she said: +“At last we shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back +drawing-room, which we always wanted.” I added: “Yes, and at last you +shall have that little costume which you saw at Peter Robinson’s so +cheap.” + +JANUARY 2.—I was in a great state of suspense all day at the office. I +did not like to worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, and +mentioned yesterday that he would see me again to-day, I thought it +better, perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, and on entering, +Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh! it’s you, Mr. Pooter; do you want to see me?” I +said: “No, sir, I thought you wanted to see me!” “Oh!” he replied, “I +remember. Well, I am very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.” + +JANUARY 3.—Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was not +alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be at +the office to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily engaged with a +paper, said suddenly to me: “Do you know anything about _chalk pits_, +Guv.?” I said: “No, my boy, not that I’m aware of.” Lupin said: “Well, +I give you the tip; _chalk pits_ are as safe as Consols, and pay six per +cent. at par.” I said a rather neat thing, viz.: “They may be six per +cent. at _par_, but your _pa_ has no money to invest.” Carrie and I both +roared with laughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the +joke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued: “I give +you the tip, that’s all—_chalk pits_!” I said another funny thing: “Mind +you don’t fall into them!” Lupin put on a supercilious smile, and said: +“Bravo! Joe Miller.” + +JANUARY 4.—Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position would be +that of one of the senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr. +Perkupp added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary would be. +This means another day’s anxiety; I don’t mind, for it is anxiety of the +right sort. That reminded me that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin +about the letter I received from Mr. Mutlar, senr. I broached the +subject to Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupin +was riveted to the _Financial News_, as if he had been a born capitalist, +and I said: “Pardon me a moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to +the Mutlars’ any day this week?” + +Lupin answered: “I told you! I cannot stand old Mutlar.” + +I said: “Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannot +stand you!” + +Lupin said: “Well, I like his cheek in writing to _you_. I’ll find out +if his father is still alive, and I will write _him_ a note complaining +of _his_ son, and I’ll state pretty clearly that his son is a blithering +idiot!” + +I said: “Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence of your +mother.” + +Lupin said: “I’m very sorry, but there is no other expression one can +apply to him. However, I’m determined not to enter his place again.” + +I said: “You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house.” + +Lupin replied: “Well, we won’t split straws—it’s all the same. Daisy is +a trump, and will wait for me ten years, if necessary.” + +JANUARY 5.—I can scarcely write the news. Mr. Perkupp told me my salary +would be raised £100! I stood gaping for a moment unable to realise it. +I annually get £10 rise, and I thought it might be £15 or even £20; but +£100 surpasses all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good +fortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits. I +sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’s for a bottle of champagne, the +same as we had before, “Jackson Frères.” It was opened at supper, and I +said to Lupin: “This is to celebrate some good news I have received +to-day.” Lupin replied: “Hooray, Guv.! And I have some good news, also; +a double event, eh?” I said: “My boy, as a result of twenty-one years’ +industry and strict attention to the interests of my superiors in office, +I have been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary of £100.” + +Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which brought +in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin ordered us to “fill up” +again, and addressing us upstanding, said: “Having been in the firm of +Job Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not having paid +particular attention to the interests of my superiors in office, my +Guv’nor, as a reward to me, allotted me £5 worth of shares in a really +good thing. The result is, to-day I have made £200.” I said: “Lupin, +you are joking.” “No, Guv., it’s the good old truth; Job Cleanands _put +me on to Chlorates_.” + +JANUARY 21.—I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap. +I said: “Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous extravagance?” +Lupin replied: “Well, one must get to the City somehow. I’ve only hired +it, and can give it up any time I like.” I repeated my question: “Are +you justified in this extravagance?” He replied: “Look here, Guv., +excuse me saying so, but you’re a bit out of date. It does not pay +nowadays, fiddling about over small things. I don’t mean anything +personal, Guv’nor. My boss says if I take his tip, and stick to big +things, I can make big money!” I said I thought the very idea of +speculation most horrifying. Lupin said “It is not speculation, it’s a +dead cert.” I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and +cart; but he replied: “I made £200 in one day; now suppose I only make +£200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, which is ridiculously +low—why, that is £1,250 a year. What’s a few pounds a week for a trap?” + +I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should feel +glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsible for +his own debts. He answered: “My dear Guv., I promise you faithfully that +I will never speculate with what I have not got. I shall only go on Job +Cleanands’ tips, and as he is in the ‘know’ it is pretty safe sailing.” +I felt somewhat relieved. Gowing called in the evening and, to my +surprise, informed me that, as he had made £10 by one of Lupin’s tips, he +intended asking us and the Cummings round next Saturday. Carrie and I +said we should be delighted. + +JANUARY 22.—I don’t generally lose my temper with servants; but I had to +speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recently +contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the breakfast +things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on the carpet, +eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answered very rudely: “Oh, you are +always complaining.” I replied: “Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you last +week about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece of +yellow soap on the heel of your boot.” She said: “And you’re always +grumbling about your breakfast.” I said: “No, I am not; but I feel +perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled +egg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, and I +have spoken to you at least fifty times about it.” She began to cry and +make a scene; but fortunately my ’bus came by, so I had a good excuse for +leaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that we were not to +forget next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said: “As he has never asked any +friends before, we are not likely to forget it.” + +JANUARY 23.—I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes, he recently +made me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser tells me I +ought not to brush my hair too much just now. + +JANUARY 24.—The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. +Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side. It +is an immense improvement to the room. + +JANUARY 25.—We had just finished our tea, when who should come in but +Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks. I noticed that he +looked anything but well, so I said: “Well, Cummings, how are you? You +look a little blue.” He replied: “Yes! and I feel blue too.” I said: +“Why, what’s the matter?” He said: “Oh, nothing, except that I have been +on my back for a couple of weeks, that’s all. At one time my doctor +nearly gave me up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has even +taken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or dead.” + +I said: “This is the first I have heard of it. I have passed your house +several nights, and presumed you had company, as the rooms were so +brilliantly lighted.” + +Cummings replied: “No! The only company I have had was my wife, the +doctor, and the landlady—the last-named having turned out a perfect +trump. I wonder you did not see it in the paper. I know it was +mentioned in the _Bicycle News_.” + +I thought to cheer him up, and said: “Well, you are all right now?” + +He replied: “That’s not the question. The question is whether an illness +does not enable you to discover who are your _true_ friends.” + +I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make matters worse, +in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the back, and said: +“Hulloh! Have you seen a ghost? You look scared to death, like Irving +in _Macbeth_.” I said: “Gently, Gowing, the poor fellow has been very +ill.” Gowing roared with laughter and said: “Yes, and you look it, too.” +Cummings quietly said: “Yes, and I feel it too—not that I suppose you +care.” + +An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: “Never mind, Cummings, you and +the missis come round to my place to-morrow, and it will cheer you up a +bit; for we’ll open a bottle of wine.” + +JANUARY 26.—An extraordinary thing happened. Carrie and I went round to +Gowing’s, as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and rang several +times without getting an answer. At last the latch was drawn and the +door opened a little way, the chain still being up. A man in +shirt-sleeves put his head through and said: “Who is it? What do you +want?” I said: “Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us.” The man said (as well +as I could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog): “I don’t think he +is. Mr. Gowing is not at home.” I said: “He will be in directly.” + +With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and me standing +on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner. + +Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then discovered for the +first time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the paint had +come off on my gloves—which were, in consequence, completely spoiled. + +I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times. + +The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and began +abusing me. He said: “What do you mean by scratching the paint with your +stick like that, spoiling the varnish? You ought to be ashamed of +yourself.” + +I said: “Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited—” + +He interrupted and said: “I don’t care for Mr. Gowing, or any of his +friends. This is _my_ door, not Mr. Gowing’s. There are people here +besides Mr. Gowing.” + +The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely noticed it, it was +so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing. + +At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings was very lame and +leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what the matter was. + +The man said: “Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone. All he +said was he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and he should not +be back till Monday evening. He took his bag with him.” + +With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant with Gowing’s +conduct to say anything. Cummings looked white with rage, and as he +descended the steps struck his stick violently on the ground and said: +“Scoundrel!” + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + +Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a drive, which we don’t +enjoy. Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh. + +FEBRUARY 8.—It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages for breakfast. +They are either full of bread or spice, or are as red as beef. Still +anxious about the £20 I invested last week by Lupin’s advice. However, +Cummings has done the same. + +FEBRUARY 9.—Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither seen nor +heard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round +to his house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie was engaged +marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased. I’ll back Carrie’s +marking against anybody’s. While I was drying them at the fire, and +Carrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in. + +He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the collars. I +asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied that he had not. I +said I should not have believed that Gowing could have acted in such an +ungentlemanly manner. Cummings said: “You are mild in your description +of him; I think he has acted like a cad.” + +The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, and +Gowing, putting in his head, said: “May I come in?” I said: “Certainly.” +Carrie said very pointedly: “Well, you _are_ a stranger.” Gowing said: +“Yes, I’ve been on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.” I +could see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackled Gowing +very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday week. Gowing appeared +surprised, and said: “Why, I posted a letter to you in the morning +announcing that the party was ‘off, very much off.’” I said: “I never +got it.” Gowing, turning to Carrie, said: “I suppose letters sometimes +_miscarry_, don’t they, _Mrs._ Carrie?” Cummings sharply said: “This is +not a time for joking. I had no notice of the party being put off.” +Gowing replied: “I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I was in a +hurry. However, I’ll inquire at the post-office, and we must meet again +at my place.” I added that I hoped he would be present at the next +meeting. Carrie roared at this, and even Cummings could not help +laughing. + +FEBRUARY 10, Sunday.—Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin to +persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his trap. I +quite disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust +Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. Lupin said: “Now, that +is nice of you, Guv., but you won’t mind sitting on the back-seat of the +cart?” + +Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles too large +for him. Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the back. +Lupin said: “Haven’t you seen a box-coat before? You can’t drive in +anything else.” + +He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive with him +again. His conduct was shocking. When we passed Highgate Archway, he +tried to pass everything and everybody. He shouted to respectable people +who were walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked at +the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and, as I had +to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of roughs in a +donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned and followed us for +nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say +nothing of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel. + +Lupin’s excuse—that the Prince of Wales would have to put up with the +same sort of thing if he drove to the Derby—was of little consolation to +either Carrie or myself. Frank Mutlar called in the evening, and Lupin +went out with him. + +FEBRUARY 11.—Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered up +courage to speak to Mr. Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has always been +most kind to me, so I told him everything, including yesterday’s +adventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: “There is no necessity for you to +be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would be impossible for a son of such good +parents to turn out erroneously. Remember he is young, and will soon get +older. I wish we could find room for him in this firm.” The advice of +this good man takes loads off my mind. In the evening Lupin came in. + +After our little supper, he said: “My dear parents, I have some news, +which I fear will affect you considerably.” I felt a qualm come over me, +and said nothing. Lupin then said: “It may distress you—in fact, I’m +sure it will—but this afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for +ever.” It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a +bottle of port. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing with him a +large sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, which he fastened against +the wall. He then produced several separate tails, and we spent the +remainder of the evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in the +proper place. My sides positively ached with laughter when I went to +bed. + +FEBRUARY 12.—In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement with +Daisy Mutlar. I asked if he had heard from her. He replied: “No; she +promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would not +communicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in fact, he said he +might call again this evening.” Frank called, but said he could not +stop, as he had a friend waiting outside for him, named Murray Posh, +adding he was quite a swell. Carrie asked Frank to bring him in. + +He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr. Murray Posh was +a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervous disposition, +as he subsequently confessed he would never go in a hansom cab, nor would +he enter a four-wheeler until the driver had first got on the box with +his reins in his hands. + +On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said: “Any +relation to ‘Posh’s three-shilling hats’?” Mr. Posh replied: “Yes; but +please understand I don’t try on hats myself. I take no _active_ part in +the business.” I replied: “I wish I had a business like it.” Mr. Posh +seemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of the +extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap hats. + +Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the way he +was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, laughingly: “If you +don’t look out, Posh will cut you out!” When they had all gone, I +referred to this flippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: “A +man who is jealous has no respect for himself. A man who would be +jealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have a contempt for +himself. I know Daisy. She _would_ wait ten years for me, as I said +before; in fact, if necessary, _she would wait twenty years for me_.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + +We lose money over Lupin’s advice as to investment, so does Cummings. +Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar. + +FEBRUARY 18.—Carrie has several times recently called attention to the +thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it +seen to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a small +hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edge of the chest of +drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand and smashed it. Carrie was +in an awful way about it, as she is rather absurdly superstitious. To +make matters worse, my large photograph in the drawing-room fell during +the night, and the glass cracked. + +Carrie said: “Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about to +happen.” + +I said: “Nonsense, dear.” + +In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little agitated. I +said: “What’s up, my boy?” He hesitated a good deal, and then said: “You +know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to invest £20 in?” I +replied: “Yes, they are all right, I trust?” He replied: “Well, no! To +the surprise of everybody, they have utterly collapsed.” + +My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing. Carrie +looked at me, and said: “What did I tell you?” Lupin, after a while, +said: “However, you are specially fortunate. I received an early tip, +and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to get £2 for them. So +you get something after all.” + +I gave a sigh of relief. I said: “I was not so sanguine as to suppose, +as you predicted, that I should get six or eight times the amount of my +investment; still a profit of £2 is a good percentage for such a short +time.” Lupin said, quite irritably: “You don’t understand. I sold your +£20 shares for £2; you therefore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby +Cummings and Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.” + +FEBRUARY 19.—Lupin, before going to town, said: “I am very sorry about +those Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss, Job +Cleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, you must not be +surprised if something goes wrong at our office. Job Cleanands has not +been seen the last few days, and it strikes me several people _do_ want +to see him very particularly.” + +In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a +collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the room, +without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, “May I come in?” + +He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be in the +very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him, +but he did so of his own accord. He said: “I say, those Parachikka +Chlorates have gone an awful smash! You’re a nice one, Master Lupin. +How much do you lose?” Lupin, to my utter astonishment, said: “Oh! I +had nothing in them. There was some informality in my application—I +forgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn’t get any. The +Guv. loses £18.” I said: “I quite understood you were in it, or nothing +would have induced me to speculate.” Lupin replied: “Well, it can’t be +helped; you must go double on the next tip.” Before I could reply, +Gowing said: “Well, I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I +did not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my £15 +worth, as he had more faith in them than I had.” + +Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said: “Alas, +poor Cummings. He’ll lose £35.” At that moment there was a ring at the +bell. Lupin said: “I don’t want to meet Cummings.” If he had gone out +of the door he would have met him in the passage, so as quickly as +possible Lupin opened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up +suddenly, exclaiming: “I don’t want to see him either!” and, before I +could say a word, he followed Lupin out of the window. + +For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my most +intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of +interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course was +naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing. I pressed him to have a +little whisky, and he replied that he had given up whisky; but would like +a little “Unsweetened,” as he was advised it was the most healthy spirit. +I had none in the house, but sent Sarah round to Lockwood’s for some. + +FEBRUARY 20.—The first thing that caught my eye on opening the _Standard_ +was—“Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers! Mr. Job Cleanands +absconded!” I handed it to Carrie, and she replied: “Oh! perhaps it’s +for Lupin’s good. I never did think it a suitable situation for him.” I +thought the whole affair very shocking. + +Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully distressed, +I said: “We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorry for you.” +Lupin said: “How did you know? who told you?” I handed him the +_Standard_. He threw the paper down, and said: “Oh I don’t care a button +for that! I expected that, but I did not expect this.” He then read a +letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar +is to be married next month to Murray Posh. I exclaimed, “Murray Posh! +Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring here last +Tuesday week?” Lupin said: “Yes; the ‘_Posh’s-three-shilling-hats_’ +chap.” + +We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence. + +In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too worried, but I cannot +and will not eat cushion of bacon. If I cannot get streaky bacon, I will +do without anything. + +When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face. I +asked him what it meant. He replied: “Oh! only a little +consolation—still it is a consolation. I have just remembered that, by +_my_ advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested £600 in Parachikka Chlorates!” + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + +Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The dream of my life realised. +Mr. Perkupp takes Lupin into the office. + +MARCH 20.—To-day being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. Murray Posh +are to be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at +Gravesend. Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, although he +declares that he is glad it is off. I wish he would not go to so many +music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him about it. At the +present moment he irritates me by singing all over the house some +nonsense about “What’s the matter with Gladstone? He’s all right! +What’s the matter with Lupin? He’s all right!” _I_ don’t think either +of them is. In the evening Gowing called, and the chief topic of +conversation was Daisy’s marriage to Murray Posh. I said: “I was glad +the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin.” +Gowing, with his usual good taste, said: “Oh, Master Lupin can make a +fool of himself without any assistance.” Carrie very properly resented +this, and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry. + +MARCH 21.—To-day I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of the happiest +days of my life. My great dream of the last few weeks—in fact, of many +years—has been realised. This morning came a letter from Mr. Perkupp, +asking me to take Lupin down to the office with me. I went to Lupin’s +room; poor fellow, he seemed very pale, and said he had a bad headache. +He had come back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spent part of the day +in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough to neglect to take +his overcoat with him. I showed him Mr. Perkupp’s letter, and he got up +as quickly as possible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured +clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking. + +Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she could +keep on saying was: “Oh, I _do_ hope it will be all right.” For myself, +I could scarcely eat any breakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, and +looking a perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow. +Carrie, by way of encouragement said: “You do look nice, Lupin.” Lupin +replied: “Yes, it’s a good make-up, isn’t it? A +regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior- +clerk.” He laughed rather ironically. + +In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah to +fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage, and found Lupin in a +fury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat. I said: “Lupin, my boy, what +are you doing? How wicked of you! Some poor fellow would be glad to +have it.” Lupin replied: “I would not insult any poor fellow by giving +it to him.” + +When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw inside +“Posh’s Patent.” Poor Lupin! I can forgive him. It seemed hours before +we reached the office. Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was with him +nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought, crestfallen in appearance. I +said: “Well, Lupin, how about Mr. Perkupp?” Lupin commenced his song: +“What’s the matter with Perkupp? He’s all right!” I felt instinctively +my boy was engaged. I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I could not speak. He +said: “Well, Mr. Pooter, what is it?” I must have looked a fool, for all +I could say was: “Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man.” He looked at me for +a moment, and said: “No, Mr. Pooter, _you_ are the good man; and we’ll +see if we cannot get your son to follow such an excellent example.” I +said: “Mr. Perkupp, may I go home? I cannot work any more to-day.” + +My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head. It was as +much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the ’bus; in fact, I +should have done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin, who +was having a quarrel with a fat man in the ’bus, whom he accused of +taking up too much room. + +In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and his +wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the fire, and in a bottle of +“Jackson Frères,” which Sarah fetched from the grocer’s, drank Lupin’s +health. I lay awake for hours, thinking of the future. My boy in the +same office as myself—we can go down together by the ’bus, come home +together, and who knows but in the course of time he may take great +interest in our little home. That he may help me to put a nail in here +or a nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture. In the +summer he may help us in our little garden with the flowers, and assist +us to paint the stands and pots. (By-the-by, I must get in some more +enamel paint.) All this I thought over and over again, and a thousand +happy thoughts beside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after +fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people—Lupin, dear Carrie, and +myself. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, where I am +let in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An odd +invitation to Southend. + +APRIL 8.—No events of any importance, except that Gowing strongly +recommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me +nine-and-sixpence, and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the +mud. It has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. +The ink oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the +office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the +ink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: “Stop that +knocking! I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?” That young monkey, Pitt, +took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly: “No, sir; I beg pardon, +it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all the morning.” To +make matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing behind his desk. I thought it +wiser to say nothing. I took the pen back to the shop and asked them if +they would take it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full +price returned, but was willing to take half. The man said he could not +do that—buying and selling were two different things. Lupin’s conduct +during the period he has been in Mr. Perkupp’s office has been most +exemplary. My only fear is, it is too good to last. + +APRIL 9.—Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and +myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought +would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir William Grime) +had promised his patronage. We accepted of his kindness, and he stayed +to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of the +sparkling Algéra that Mr. James (of Sutton) had sent as a present. +Gowing sipped the wine, observing that he had never tasted it before, and +further remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised brands. +I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and one mustn’t look a +gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing facetiously replied: “And he didn’t like +putting it in the mouth either.” + +I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting it +myself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for them. +The sparkling Algéra is very like cider, only more sour. I suggested +that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied: +“Oh! I don’t think so.” We had a very pleasant game of cards, though I +lost four shillings and Carrie lost one, and Gowing said he had lost +about sixpence: how he could have lost, considering that Carrie and I +were the only other players, remains a mystery. + +APRIL 14, Sunday.—Owing, I presume, to the unsettled weather, I awoke +with a feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum. +Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, members of our +congregation who had walked back with us, I was much annoyed to find a +large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path, evidently thrown over +by those young Griffin boys next door; who, whenever we have friends, +climb up the empty steps inside their conservatory, tap at the windows, +making faces, whistling, and imitating birds. + +APRIL 15.—Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce, through +that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on +the table. + +APRIL 16.—The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice, +Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the +Mansion House, for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr. +Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary Artillery Company, +would in all probability be present. Lupin, in his usual +incomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard it was a “bounders’ +ball.” I didn’t ask him what he meant though I didn’t understand. Where +he gets these expressions from I don’t know; he certainly doesn’t learn +them at home. + +The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived an +hour later we should be in good time, without being “unfashionable,” as +Mrs. James says. It was very difficult to find—the cabman having to get +down several times to inquire at different public-houses where the Drill +Hall was. I wonder at people living in such out-of-the-way places. No +one seemed to know it. However, after going up and down a good many +badly-lighted streets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it +was so far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who only +grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and was +impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to take a +’bus. + +Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that it was +better late than never. He seemed a very good-looking gentleman though, +as Carrie remarked, “rather short for an officer.” He begged to be +excused for leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped we +should make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walked round +the rooms two or three times and watched the people dancing. I couldn’t +find a single person I knew, but attributed it to most of them being in +uniform. As we were entering the supper-room I received a slap on the +shoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: “Mr. Padge, I +believe;” he replied, “That’s right.” + +I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made herself at +home with Carrie at once. + +There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne, +claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless of +expense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular liking +for, but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that I asked him +to sit at our table, and I must say that for a short fat man he looked +well in uniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the back. +It was the only supper-room that I have been in that was not +over-crowded; in fact we were the only people there, everybody being so +busy dancing. + +I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said her name +was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the bottle to Mr. +Padge to do likewise, saying: “You must look after yourself.” He +replied: “That’s right,” and poured out half a tumbler and drank Carrie’s +health, coupled, as he said, “with her worthy lord and master.” We all +had some splendid pigeon pie, and ices to follow. + +The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like some more +wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also some people +who had just come from the dancing-room, who were very civil. It +occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in +the City, as they were so polite. I made myself useful, and assisted +several ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that “There is nothing +lost by civility.” + +The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball-room. +The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing, and +as I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge offered his arms to them +and escorted them to the ball-room, telling me to follow. I said to Mr. +Padge: “It is quite a West End affair,” to which remark Mr. Padge +replied: “That’s right.” + +When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter who had +been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on the shoulder. +I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to expect a tip, but +nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been very attentive. He +smilingly replied: “I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good,” alluding to +the shilling. “Your party’s had four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at +1s., three bottles of champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a +sixpenny cigar for the stout gentleman—in all £3 0s. 6d.!” + +I don’t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only sufficient +breath to inform him that I had received a private invitation, to which +he answered that he was perfectly well aware of that; but that the +invitation didn’t include eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was +standing at the bar corroborated the waiter’s statement, and assured me +it was quite correct. + +The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any +misapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course there was nothing +to be done but to pay. So, after turning out my pockets, I just managed +to scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but the manager, on my +giving my card to him, said: “That’s all right.” + +I don’t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I determined to +keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would entirely destroy the +pleasant evening she was enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoyment +for me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin. +Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. Lupkin, as we were +wishing her “Good-night,” asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit +to Southend? On my replying that I hadn’t been there for many years, she +very kindly said: “Well, why don’t you come down and stay at our place?” +As her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carrie wished to +go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay till +Monday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow, giving us the +address and particulars of trains, etc. + +When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that the roads +resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty in +getting a cabman to take us to Holloway. After waiting a bit, a man said +he would drive us, anyhow, as far as “The Angel,” at Islington, and we +could easily get another cab from there. It was a tedious journey; the +rain was beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of the +cab. + +When we arrived at “The Angel” the horse seemed tired out. Carrie got +out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay, to my absolute horror +I remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie. I explained to the cabman +how we were situated. Never in my life have I ever been so insulted; the +cabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober, called me +every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively seized me by the +beard, which he pulled till the tears came into my eyes. I took the +number of a policeman (who witnessed the assault) for not taking the man +in charge. The policeman said he couldn’t interfere, that he had seen no +assault, and that people should not ride in cabs without money. + +We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when I got +in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word for word, as I +intend writing to the _Telegraph_ for the purpose of proposing that cabs +should be driven only by men under Government control, to prevent +civilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage that I +had had to endure. + +APRIL 17.—No water in our cistern again. Sent for Putley, who said he +would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc. + +APRIL 18.—Water all right again in the cistern. Mrs. James, of Sutton, +called in the afternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the +drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all over it, +as Mrs. James says it’s quite the fashion. It was Mrs. James’ +suggestion, and of course Carrie always does what Mrs. James suggests. +For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece as it was; but there, I’m a +plain man, and don’t pretend to be in the fashion. + +APRIL 19.—Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a rather +offensive tone accused me, or “someone,” of boring a hole in his cistern +and letting out his water to supply our cistern, which adjoined his. He +said he should have his repaired, and send us in the bill. + +APRIL 20.—Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying he had been +on his back for a week. It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom +door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase, and unknown to +him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had got between the +door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the door hard, to give it +an extra slam, the handle came off in his hands, and he fell backwards +downstairs. + +On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed out +of the room sideways. Cummings looked very indignant, and remarked it +was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and though I had my +suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured Cummings that he had only +run out to open the door to a friend he expected. Cummings said this was +the second time he had been laid up, and we had never sent to inquire. I +said I knew nothing about it. Cummings said: “It was mentioned in the +_Bicycle News_.” + +APRIL 22.—I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails a +good deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, she +replied: “Oh, I’m going in for manicuring. It’s all the fashion now.” I +said: “I suppose Mrs. James introduced that into your head.” Carrie +laughingly replied: “Yes; but everyone does it now.” + +I wish Mrs. James wouldn’t come to the house. Whenever she does she +always introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie’s head. One of +these days I feel sure I shall tell her she’s not welcome. I am sure it +was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on dark slate-coloured paper +with white ink. Nonsense! + +APRIL 23.—Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the +train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep our promise to stay +with her. The letter concluded: “You must come and stay at our house; we +shall charge you half what you will have to pay at the Royal, and the +view is every bit as good.” Looking at the address at the top of the +note-paper, I found it was “Lupkin’s Family and Commercial Hotel.” + +I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to “decline her kind +invitation.” Carrie thought this very satirical, and to the point. + +By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night. I ordered +a new suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards’, and chose the pattern by +gaslight, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt mixture with +white stripes down. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I +found it was quite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of green with +bright yellow-coloured stripes. + +I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling. She said: +“What mixture did you say you asked for?” + +I said: “A quiet pepper and salt.” + +Carrie said: “Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want to know the +truth.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + +Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow. We have a pleasant and quiet +dinner at his uncle’s, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on my part +respecting Mr. Finsworth’s pictures. A discussion on dreams. + +APRIL 27.—Kept a little later than usual at the office, and as I was +hurrying along a man stopped me, saying: “Hulloh! That’s a face I know.” +I replied politely: “Very likely; lots of people know me, although I may +not know them.” He replied: “But you know me—Teddy Finsworth.” So it +was. He was at the same school with me. I had not seen him for years +and years. No wonder I did not know him! At school he was at least a +head taller than I was; now I am at least a head taller than he is, and +he has a thick beard, almost grey. He insisted on my having a glass of +wine (a thing I never do), and told me he lived at Middlesboro’, where he +was Deputy Town Clerk, a position which was as high as the Town Clerk of +London—in fact, higher. He added that he was staying for a few days in +London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul Finsworth (of Finsworth and +Pultwell). He said he was sure his uncle would be only too pleased to +see me, and he had a nice house, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes’ walk +from Muswell Hill Station. I gave him our address, and we parted. + +In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter from +Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would dine with them +to-morrow (Sunday), at two o’clock, he would be delighted. Carrie did +not like to go; but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much we consented. +Carrie sent Sarah round to the butcher’s and countermanded our half-leg +of mutton, which we had ordered for to-morrow. + +APRIL 28, Sunday.—We found Watney Lodge farther off than we anticipated, +and only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling hot and +uncomfortable. To make matters worse, a large collie dog pounced forward +to receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie, covering her +light skirt, which she was wearing for the first time, with mud. Teddy +Finsworth came out and drove the dog off and apologised. We were shown +into the drawing-room, which was beautifully decorated. It was full of +knick-knacks, and some plates hung up on the wall. There were several +little wooden milk-stools with paintings on them; also a white wooden +banjo, painted by one of Mr. Paul Finsworth’s nieces—a cousin of Teddy’s. + +Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking elderly +gentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie. There were a great many +water-colours hanging on the walls, mostly different views of India, +which were very bright. Mr. Finsworth said they were painted by “Simpz,” +and added that he was no judge of pictures himself but had been informed +on good authority that they were worth some hundreds of pounds, although +he had only paid a few shillings apiece for them, frames included, at a +sale in the neighbourhood. + +There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done in coloured +crayons. It looked like a religious subject. I was very much struck +with the lace collar, it looked so real, but I unfortunately made the +remark that there was something about the expression of the face that was +not quite pleasing. It looked pinched. Mr. Finsworth sorrowfully +replied: “Yes, the face was done after death—my wife’s sister.” + +I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper said I +hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We both stood looking at the picture +for a few minutes in silence, when Mr. Finsworth took out a handkerchief +and said: “She was sitting in our garden last summer,” and blew his nose +violently. He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at something +else and stood in front of a portrait of a jolly-looking middle-aged +gentleman, with a red face and straw hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth: “Who +is this jovial-looking gentleman? Life doesn’t seem to trouble him +much.” Mr. Finsworth said: “No, it doesn’t. _He is dead too_—my +brother.” + +I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness. Fortunately at this +moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken her upstairs to +take off her bonnet and brush her skirt. Teddy said: “Short is late,” +but at that moment the gentleman referred to arrived, and I was +introduced to him by Teddy, who said: “Do you know Mr. Short?” I +replied, smiling, that I had not that pleasure, but I hoped it would not +be long before I knew Mr. _Short_. He evidently did not see my little +joke, although I repeated it twice with a little laugh. I suddenly +remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhaps _very particular_. +In this I was mistaken, for he was not at all particular in several of +his remarks after dinner. In fact I was so ashamed of one of his +observations that I took the opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I +feared she found Mr. Short occasionally a little embarrassing. To my +surprise she said: “Oh! he is privileged you know.” I did not know as a +matter of fact, and so I bowed apologetically. I fail to see why Mr. +Short should be privileged. + +Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog, which +jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining-room table. +It kept growling and snapping at my boots every time I moved my foot. +Feeling nervous rather, I spoke to Mrs. Finsworth about the animal, and +she remarked: “It is only his play.” She jumped up and let in a +frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had been scratching +at the door. This dog also seemed to take a fancy to my boots, and I +discovered afterwards that it had licked off every bit of blacking from +them. I was positively ashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. Finsworth, +who, I must say, is not much of a Job’s comforter, said: “Oh! we are used +to Bibbs doing that to our visitors.” + +Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether it is a +good thing to take on the top of beer. It made me feel a little sleepy, +while it had the effect of inducing Mr. Short to become “privileged” to +rather an alarming extent. It being cold even for April, there was a +fire in the drawing-room; we sat round in easy-chairs, and Teddy and I +waxed rather eloquent over the old school days, which had the effect of +sending all the others to sleep. I was delighted, as far as Mr. Short +was concerned, that it did have that effect on him. + +We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for the fact +that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my boots. Polished +them myself when I got home. Went to church in the evening, and could +scarcely keep awake. I will not take port on the top of beer again. + +APRIL 29.—I am getting quite accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, and I +do not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she has a certain +amount of right to do so; but I do think it hard to be at once snubbed by +wife, son, and both my guests. + +Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I suddenly +remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago, and I thought I +would tell them about it. I dreamt I saw some huge blocks of ice in a +shop with a bright glare behind them. I walked into the shop and the +heat was overpowering. I found that the blocks of ice were on fire. The +whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural I woke up in a cold +perspiration. Lupin in a most contemptuous manner, said: “What utter +rot.” + +Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completely +uninteresting as other people’s dreams. + +I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with the others +and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said: “It seemed so real to +me.” Gowing replied: “Yes, to _you_ perhaps, but not to _us_.” +Whereupon they all roared. + +Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: “He tells me his stupid dreams +every morning nearly.” I replied: “Very well, dear, I promise you I will +never tell you or anybody else another dream of mine the longest day I +live.” Lupin said: “Hear! hear!” and helped himself to another glass of +beer. The subject was fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most +interesting article on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + +Dinner at Franching’s to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle. + +MAY 10.—Received a letter from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking us to +dine with him to-night, at seven o’clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle, a +very clever writer for the American papers. Franching apologised for the +short notice; but said he had at the last moment been disappointed of two +of his guests and regarded us as old friends who would not mind filling +up the gap. Carrie rather demurred at the invitation; but I explained to +her that Franching was very well off and influential, and we could not +afford to offend him. “And we are sure to get a good dinner and a good +glass of champagne.” “Which never agrees with you!” Carrie replied, +sharply. I regarded Carrie’s observation as unsaid. Mr. Franching asked +us to wire a reply. As he had said nothing about dress in the letter, I +wired back: “With pleasure. Is it full dress?” and by leaving out our +name, just got the message within the sixpence. + +Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a telegram +instructing us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching’s house; +but she would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her. What a long +journey it is from Holloway to Peckham! Why do people live such a long +way off? Having to change ’buses, I allowed plenty of time—in fact, too +much; for we arrived at twenty minutes to seven, and Franching, so the +servant said, had only just gone up to dress. However, he was down as +the clock struck seven; he must have dressed very quickly. + +I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did not +know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells. Franching +had got a professional waiter, and evidently spared no expense. There +were flowers on the table round some fairy-lamps and the effect, I must +say, was exquisite. The wine was good and there was plenty of champagne, +concerning which Franching said he himself, never wished to taste better. +We were ten in number, and a _menû_ card to each. One lady said she +always preserved the _menû_ and got the guests to write their names on +the back. + +We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was of course +the important guest. + +The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur Huttle, Mr. and +Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. Purdick, Mr. Pratt, Mr. +R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pooter. Franching +said he was sorry he had no lady for me to take in to dinner. I replied +that I preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a very +uncomplimentary observation to make. + +I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner. She seemed a well-informed lady, but +was very deaf. It did not much matter, for Mr. Hardfur Huttle did all +the talking. He is a marvellously intellectual man and says things which +from other people would seem quite alarming. How I wish I could remember +even a quarter of his brilliant conversation. I made a few little +reminding notes on the _menû_ card. + +One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful—though not to my +way of thinking of course. Mrs. Purdick happened to say “You are +certainly unorthodox, Mr. Huttle.” Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar +expression (I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice: “Mrs. Purdick, +‘orthodox’ is a grandiloquent word implying sticking-in-the-mud. If +Columbus and Stephenson had been orthodox, there would neither have been +the discovery of America nor the steam-engine.” There was quite a +silence. It appeared to me that such teaching was absolutely dangerous, +and yet I felt—in fact we must all have felt—there was no answer to the +argument. A little later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching’s sister and +also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttle said: “Why, +ladies, do you deprive us of your company so soon? Why not wait while we +have our cigars?” + +The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie) were in no way +inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle’s fascinating society, and +immediately resumed their seats, amid much laughter and a little chaff. +Mr. Huttle said: “Well, that’s a real good sign; you shall not be +insulted by being called orthodox any longer.” Mrs. Purdick, who seemed +to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said: “Mr. Huttle, we will meet +you half-way—that is, till you get half-way through your cigar. That, at +all events, will be the happy medium.” + +I shall never forget the effect the words, “happy medium,” had upon him. +He was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation of the words. He +positively alarmed me. He said something like the following: “Happy +medium, indeed. Do you know ‘happy medium’ are two words which mean +‘miserable mediocrity’? I say, go first class or third; marry a duchess +or her kitchenmaid. The happy medium means respectability, and +respectability means insipidness. Does it not, Mr. Pooter?” + +I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I could only +bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not competent to offer an +opinion. Carrie was about to say something; but she was interrupted, for +which I was rather pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one +has to be extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttle. + +He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcome opinions +positively convincing: “The happy medium is nothing more or less than a +vulgar half-measure. A man who loves champagne and, finding a pint too +little, fears to face a whole bottle and has recourse to an imperial +pint, will never build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. No, he is +half-hearted, he is a half-measure—respectable—in fact, a happy medium, +and will spend the rest of his days in a suburban villa with a +stucco-column portico, resembling a four-post bedstead.” + +We all laughed. + +“That sort of thing,” continued Mr. Huttle, “belongs to a soft man, with +a soft beard with a soft head, with a made tie that hooks on.” + +This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking in the +glass of the cheffonière; for _I_ had on a tie that hooked on—and why +not? If these remarks were not personal they were rather careless, and +so were some of his subsequent observations, which must have made both +Mr. Franching and his guests rather uncomfortable. I don’t think Mr. +Huttle meant to be personal, for he added; “We don’t know that class here +in this country: but we do in America, and I’ve no use for them.” + +Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passed round +the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but continued as if he were +giving a lecture: + +“What we want in America is your homes. We live on wheels. Your simple, +quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, are charming. No display, no +pretension! You make no difference in your dinner, I dare say, when you +sit down by yourself and when you invite us. You have your own personal +attendant—no hired waiter to breathe on the back of your head.” + +I saw Franching palpably wince at this. + +Mr. Huttle continued: “Just a small dinner with a few good things, such +as you have this evening. You don’t insult your guests by sending to +the grocer for champagne at six shillings a bottle.” + +I could not help thinking of “Jackson Frères” at three-and-six! + +“In fact,” said Mr. Huttle, “a man is little less than a murderer who +does. That is the province of the milksop, who wastes his evening at +home playing dominoes with his wife. I’ve heard of these people. We +don’t want them at this table. Our party is well selected. We’ve no use +for deaf old women, who cannot follow intellectual conversation.” + +All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being deaf, did +not hear his remarks; but continued smiling approval. + +“We have no representative at Mr. Franching’s table,” said Mr. Huttle, +“of the unenlightened frivolous matron, who goes to a second class dance +at Bayswater and fancies she is in Society. Society does not know her; +it has no use for her.” + +Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was afforded for the +ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching quietly to excuse me, as I did not +wish to miss the last train, which we very nearly did, by-the-by, through +Carrie having mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap which she wears when +we go out. + +It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering the +sitting-room I said: “Carrie, what do you think of Mr. Hardfur Huttle?” +She simply answered: “How like Lupin!” The same idea occurred to me in +the train. The comparison kept me awake half the night. Mr. Huttle was, +of course, an older and more influential man; but he _was_ like Lupin, +and it made me think how dangerous Lupin would be if he were older and +more influential. I feel proud to think Lupin _does_ resemble Mr. Huttle +in some ways. Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes +wonderful ideas; but it is those ideas that are so dangerous. They make +men extremely rich or extremely poor. They make or break men. I always +feel people are happier who live a simple unsophisticated life. I +believe _I_ am happy because I am not ambitious. Somehow I feel that +Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp, has become content to settle +down and follow the footsteps of his father. This is a comfort. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + +Lupin is discharged. We are in great trouble. Lupin gets engaged +elsewhere at a handsome salary. + +MAY 13.—A terrible misfortune has happened: Lupin is discharged from Mr. +Perkupp’s office; and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary. I was +away from office last Sat., the first time I have been absent through +illness for twenty years. I believe I was poisoned by some lobster. Mr. +Perkupp was also absent, as Fate would have it; and our most valued +customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went to the office in a rage, and withdrew his +custom. My boy Lupin not only had the assurance to receive him, but +recommended him the firm of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited. In my own +humble judgment, and though I have to say it against my own son, this +seems an act of treachery. + +This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me that Lupin’s +services are no longer required, and an interview with me is desired at +eleven o’clock. I went down to the office with an aching heart, dreading +an interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never had a word. I saw +nothing of Lupin in the morning. He had not got up when it was time for +me to leave, and Carrie said I should do no good by disturbing him. My +mind wandered so at the office that I could not do my work properly. + +As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the following +conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it. + +Mr. Perkupp said: “Good-morning, Mr. Pooter! This is a very serious +business. I am not referring so much to the dismissal of your son, for I +knew we should have to part sooner or later. _I_ am the head of this +old, influential, and much-respected firm; and when _I_ consider the time +has come to revolutionise the business, _I_ will do it myself.” + +I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: “I hope, +sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way countenanced my son’s +unwarrantable interference?” Mr. Perkupp rose from his seat and took my +hand, and said: “Mr. Pooter, I would as soon suspect myself as suspect +you.” I was so agitated that in the confusion, to show my gratitude I +very nearly called him a “grand old man.” + +Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a “grand old +master.” I was so unaccountable for my actions that I sat down, leaving +him standing. Of course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp bade me sit +down, which I was very pleased to do. Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said: “You +will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high-standing nature of our firm +will not admit of our bending to anybody. If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to +put his work into other hands—I may add, less experienced hands—it is not +for us to bend and beg back his custom.” “You _shall_ not do it, sir,” I +said with indignation. “Exactly,” replied Mr. Perkupp; “I shall _not_ do +it. But I was thinking this, Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon is our most +valued client, and I will even confess—for I know this will not go beyond +ourselves—that we cannot afford very well to lose him, especially in +these times, which are not of the brightest. Now, I fancy you can be of +service.” + +I replied: “Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve you!” + +Mr. Perkupp said: “I know you will. Now, what I should like you to do is +this. You yourself might write to Mr. Crowbillon—you must not, of +course, lead him to suppose I know anything about your doing so—and +explain to him that your son was only taken on as a clerk—quite an +inexperienced one in fact—out of the respect the firm had for you, Mr. +Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. I don’t suggest that you should +speak in too strong terms of your own son’s conduct; but I may add, that +had he been a son of mine, I should have condemned his interference with +no measured terms. That I leave to you. I think the result will be that +Mr. Crowbillon will see the force of the foolish step he has taken, and +our firm will neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket.” + +I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp is. His +manners and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with respect. + +I said: “Would you like to see the letter before I send it?” + +Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh no! I had better not. I am supposed to know +nothing about it, and I have every confidence in you. You must write the +letter carefully. We are not very busy; you had better take the morning +to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. I shall be here myself all day +to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case Mr. Crowbillon should call.” + +I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that I +could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact anybody, if they +called in the evening. Lupin came into the parlour for a moment with a +new hat on, and asked my opinion of it. I said I was not in the mood to +judge of hats, and I did not think he was in a position to buy a new one. +Lupin replied carelessly: “I didn’t buy it; it was a present.” + +I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like to ask +him questions, as I dread the answers so. He, however, saved me the +trouble. + +He said: “I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite think a +friend at the time; but it’s all right. As he wisely said, ‘all is fair +in love and war,’ and there was no reason why we should not be friends +still. He’s a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and a very +different stamp from that inflated fool of a Perkupp.” + +I said: “Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult to injury.” + +Lupin said: “What do you mean by injury? I repeat, I have done no +injury. Crowbillon is simply tired of a stagnant stick-in-the-mud firm, +and made the change on his own account. I simply recommended the new +firm as a matter of biz—good old biz!” + +I said quietly: “I don’t understand your slang, and at my time of life +have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my boy, let us change the subject. +I will, if it please you, _try_ and be interested in your new hat +adventure.” + +Lupin said: “Oh! there’s nothing much about it, except I have not once +seen him since his marriage, and he said he was very pleased to see me, +and hoped we should be friends. I stood a drink to cement the +friendship, and he stood me a new hat—one of his own.” + +I said rather wearily: “But you have not told me your old friend’s name?” + +Lupin said, with affected carelessness: “Oh didn’t I? Well, I will. It +was _Murray Posh_.” + +MAY 14.—Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all the morning, +asked the reason of it. Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say +nothing to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the question. + +Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh in the +City. I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with a berth. Lupin +went out laughing, saying: “I don’t mind _wearing_ Posh’s one-priced +hats, but I am not going to _sell_ them.” Poor boy, I fear he is +perfectly hopeless. + +It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. Crowbillon. Once or +twice I asked Carrie for suggestions; and although it seems ungrateful, +her suggestions were none of them to the point, while one or two were +absolutely idiotic. Of course I did not tell her so. I got the letter +off, and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp to see, but he again +repeated that he could trust me. + +Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him about Lupin +and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined to side with +Lupin. Carrie joined in, and said she thought I was taking much too +melancholy a view of it. Gowing produced a pint sample-bottle of +Madeira, which had been given him, which he said would get rid of the +blues. I dare say it would have done so if there had been more of it; +but as Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it did not leave much for +Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with. + +MAY 15.—A day of great anxiety, for I expected every moment a letter from +Mr. Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening—one for me, with +“Crowbillon Hall” printed in large gold-and-red letters on the back of +the envelope; the other for Lupin, which I felt inclined to open and +read, as it had “Gylterson, Sons, and Co. Limited,” which was the +recommended firm. I trembled as I opened Mr. Crowbillon’s letter. I +wrote him sixteen pages, closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen +lines. + +His letter was: “Sir,—I totally disagree with you. Your son, in the +course of five minutes’ conversation, displayed more intelligence than +your firm has done during the last five years.—Yours faithfully, Gilbert +E. Gillam O. Crowbillon.” + +What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr. Perkupp, +and would not show to Lupin for anything. The crisis had yet to come; +for Lupin arrived, and, opening his letter, showed a cheque for £25 as a +commission for the recommendation of Mr. Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. +Perkupp is evidently lost for ever. Cummings and Gowing both called, and +both took Lupin’s part. Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would +make a name yet. I suppose I was melancholy, for I could only ask: “Yes, +but what sort of a name?” + +MAY 16.—I told Mr. Perkupp the contents of the letter in a modified form, +but Mr. Perkupp said: “Pray don’t discuss the matter; it is at an end. +Your son will bring his punishment upon himself.” I went home in the +evening, thinking of the hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in most +extravagant spirits and in evening dress. He threw a letter on the table +for me to read. + +To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely engaged +Lupin at a salary of £200 a year, with other advantages. I read the +letter through three times and thought it must have been for me. But +there it was—Lupin Pooter—plain enough. I was silent. Lupin said: “What +price Perkupp now? You take my tip, Guv.—‘off’ with Perkupp and freeze +on to Gylterson, the firm of the future! Perkupp’s firm? The stagnant +dummies have been standing still for years, and now are moving back. I +want to go on. In fact I must go _off_, as I am dining with the Murray +Poshs to-night.” + +In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his stick, gave a +loud war “Whoo-oop,” jumped over a chair, and took the liberty of +rumpling my hair all over my forehead, and bounced out of the room, +giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and the respect which was +due to his parent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening, and +positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting Lupin. + +Gowing said: “I always said he would get on, and, take my word, he has +more in his head than we three put together.” + +Carrie said: “He is a second Hardfur Huttle.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs. James (of Sutton) visits us again +and introduces “Spiritual Séances.” + +MAY 26, Sunday.—We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea with Mr. +and Mrs. James. I had no appetite, having dined well at two, and the +entire evening was spoiled by little Percy—their only son—who seems to me +to be an utterly spoiled child. + +Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my shins. He +hurt me once so much that the tears came into my eyes. I gently +remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said: “Please don’t scold him; I do +not believe in being too severe with young children. You spoil their +character.” + +Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried to +pacify him, he slapped her face. + +I was so annoyed, I said: “That is not my idea of bringing up children, +Mrs. James.” + +Mrs. James said. “People have different ideas of bringing up +children—even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection.” + +A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his lap. The +child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. Mezzini, saying: “I +don’t like you—you’ve got a dirty face.” + +A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by the wrist and +said: “Come here, dear, and listen to this.” + +He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch strike six. + +To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it down +upon the ground like one would a ball. + +Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get a new +glass put in, and did not suppose the works were damaged. + +To show you how people’s opinions differ, Carrie said the child was +bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it was—in +her mind—an unquestionably beautiful child. + +I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier child +myself. That is _my_ opinion. + +MAY 30.—I don’t know why it is, but I never anticipate with any pleasure +the visits to our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton. She is coming again to +stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as I was leaving: “I +wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. James better than I do.” + +Carrie said: “So do I, dear; but as for years I have had to put up with +Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who is kind but most +uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won’t mind the occasional visits of +Mrs. James, who has more intellect in her little finger than both your +friends have in their entire bodies.” + +I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear old +friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the ’bus coming, I left with +a hurried kiss—a little too hurried, perhaps, for my upper lip came in +contact with Carrie’s teeth and slightly cut it. It was quite painful +for an hour afterwards. When I came home in the evening I found Carrie +buried in a book on Spiritualism, called _There is no Birth_, by Florence +Singleyet. I need scarcely say the book was sent her to read by Mrs. +James, of Sutton. As she had not a word to say outside her book, I spent +the rest of the evening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning +to show signs of wear at the edges. + +Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the entire +management of everything. Finding that she and Carrie were making some +preparations for table-turning, I thought it time really to put my foot +down. I have always had the greatest contempt for such nonsense, and put +an end to it years ago when Carrie, at our old house, used to have +séances every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who is now dead). If I +could see any use in it, I would not care. As I stopped it in the days +gone by, I determined to do so now. + +I said: “I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally disapprove of it, +apart from the fact that I receive my old friends on this evening.” + +Mrs. James said: “Do you mean to say you haven’t read _There is no +Birth_?” I said: “No, and I have no intention of doing so.” Mrs. James +seemed surprised and said: “All the world is going mad over the book.” I +responded rather cleverly: “Let it. There will be one sane man in it, at +all events.” + +Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people were all as +prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the electric telegraph +or the telephone. + +I said that was quite a different thing. + +Mrs. James said sharply: “In what way, pray—in what way?” + +I said: “In many ways.” + +Mrs. James said: “Well, mention _one_ way.” + +I replied quietly: “Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to discuss the +matter. I am not interested in it.” + +Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, for which I +was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this foolish +table-turning. But I was entirely mistaken; for, on the subject being +opened again, Cummings said he was most interested in Spiritualism, +although he was bound to confess he did not believe much in it; still, he +was willing to be convinced. + +I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my +presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in the parlour at a small +round table which they had taken out of the drawing-room. I walked into +the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little stroll. As I +opened the door, who should come in but Gowing! + +On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join the circle +and he would go into a trance. He added that he _knew_ a few things +about old Cummings, and would _invent_ a few about Mrs. James. Knowing +how dangerous Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in any such +foolish performance. Sarah asked me if she could go out for half an +hour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be more comfortable to +sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the cold drawing-room. We talked +a good deal about Lupin and Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, with whom he is as +usual spending the evening. Gowing said: “I say, it wouldn’t be a bad +thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket.” + +My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very sternly for +joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the night thinking of it—the +other half was spent in nightmares on the same subject. + +MAY 31.—I wrote a stern letter to the laundress. I was rather pleased +with the letter, for I thought it very satirical. I said: “You have +returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps you will return +either the colour or the value of the handkerchiefs.” I shall be rather +curious to know what she will have to say. + +More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said last night was in a +measure successful, and they ought to sit again. Cummings came in, and +seemed interested. I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the +steps, and repaired the cornice, which has been a bit of an eyesore to +me. In a fit of unthinkingness—if I may use such an expression,—I gave +the floor over the parlour, where the séance was taking place, two loud +raps with the hammer. I felt sorry afterwards, for it was the sort of +ridiculous, foolhardy thing that Gowing or Lupin would have done. + +However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that a +message came through the table to her of a wonderful description, +concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quite +unknown to the others. + +When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit to-morrow night, +to oblige her. She said it seemed rather unkind and unsociable on my +part. I promised I would sit once. + +JUNE 1.—I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and I am bound to +admit some curious things happened. I contend they were coincidences, +but they were curious. For instance, the table kept tilting towards me, +which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask the spirit a +question. I obeyed the rules, and I asked the spirit (who said her name +was Lina) if she could tell me the name of an old aunt of whom I was +thinking, and whom we used to call Aunt Maggie. The table spelled out C +A T. We could make nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that +her second name was Catherine, which it was evidently trying to spell. I +don’t think even Carrie knew this. But if she did, she would never +cheat. I must admit it was curious. Several other things happened, and +I consented to sit at another séance on Monday. + +JUNE 3.—The laundress called, and said she was very sorry about the +handkerchiefs, and returned ninepence. I said, as the colour was +completely washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence was +not enough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs originally only +cost sixpence, for she remembered buying them at a sale at the Holloway +_Bon Marché_. In that case, I insisted that threepence should be +returned to the laundress. Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for a +few days. I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it. Carrie said I +was ridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Posh was very fond of Lupin, who, +after all, was only a mere boy. + +In the evening we had another séance, which, in some respects, was very +remarkable, although the first part of it was a little doubtful. Gowing +called, as well as Cummings, and begged to be allowed to join the circle. +I wanted to object, but Mrs. James, who appears a good Medium (that is, +if there is anything in it at all), thought there might be a little more +spirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of us sat down. + +The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get my hands +on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began moving quickly +across the room. Gowing shouted out: “Way oh! steady, lad, steady!” I +told Gowing if he could not behave himself I should light the gas, and +put an end to the séance. + +To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I hinted as +much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table go right off the +ground. The spirit Lina came again, and said, “WARN” three or four +times, and declined to explain. Mrs. James said “Lina” was stubborn +sometimes. She often behaved like that, and the best thing to do was to +send her away. + +She then hit the table sharply, and said: “Go away, Lina; you are +disagreeable. Go away!” I should think we sat nearly three-quarters of +an hour with nothing happening. My hands felt quite cold, and I +suggested we should stop the séance. Carrie and Mrs. James, as well as +Cummings, would not agree to it. In about ten minutes’ time there was +some tilting towards me. I gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O +F. As I have heard both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could +hear Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the +table. He denied it; but, I regret to say, I did not believe him. + +Gowing said: “Perhaps it means ‘Spook,’ a ghost.” + +I said: “_You_ know it doesn’t mean anything of the sort.” + +Gowing said: “Oh! very well—I’m sorry I ‘spook,’” and he rose from the +table. + +No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James suggested he +should sit out for a while. Gowing consented and sat in the arm-chair. + +The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderful séance +but for Gowing’s stupid interruptions. In answer to the alphabet from +Carrie the table spelt “NIPUL,” then the “WARN” three times. We could +not think what it meant till Cummings pointed out that “NIPUL” was Lupin +spelled backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie was particularly +excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible was going to happen. + +Mrs. James asked if “Lina” was the spirit. The table replied firmly, +“No,” and the spirit would not give his or her name. We then had the +message, “NIPUL will be very rich.” + +Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word “WARN” was again spelt +out. The table then began to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs. +James, who spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell its +name. It first spelled “DRINK.” + +Gowing here said: “Ah! that’s more in my line.” + +I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed. + +The table then spelt “WATER.” + +Gowing here interrupted again, and said: “Ah! that’s _not_ in my line. +_Outside_ if you like, but not inside.” + +Carrie appealed to him to be quiet. + +The table then spelt “CAPTAIN,” and Mrs. James startled us by crying out, +“Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my father’s, who has been dead +some years.” + +This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that after all +there must be something in Spiritualism. + +Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word “Warn” +as applied to “NIPUL.” The alphabet was given again, and we got the word +“BOSH.” + +Gowing here muttered: “So it is.” + +Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as Captain +Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the word in +answer to a lady’s question. Accordingly the alphabet was given again. + +This time the table spelled distinctly “POSH.” We all thought of Mrs. +Murray Posh and Lupin. Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as it +was getting late we broke up the circle. + +We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. James’ last +night in town. We also determined _not_ to have Gowing present. + +Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but he +wished the spirits would say something about him. + +JUNE 4.—Quite looking forward to the séance this evening. Was thinking +of it all the day at the office. + +Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing entering +without knocking. + +He said: “I am not going to stop, but I have brought with me a sealed +envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. Pooter. In that sealed +envelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a simple question. If +the spirits can answer that question, I will believe in Spiritualism.” + +I ventured the expression that it might be impossible. + +Mrs. James said: “Oh no! it is of common occurrence for the spirits to +answer questions under such conditions—and even for them to write on +locked slates. It is quite worth trying. If ‘Lina’ is in a good temper, +she is certain to do it.” + +Gowing said: “All right; then I shall be a firm believer. I shall +perhaps drop in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result.” + +He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to know something +about some undertaking in which he was concerned, but he could get no +answer of any description whatever—at which he said he was very +disappointed and was afraid there was not much in table-turning after +all. I thought this rather selfish of him. The séance was very similar +to the one last night, almost the same in fact. So we turned to the +letter. “Lina” took a long time answering the question, but eventually +spelt out “ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS.” There was great rocking of the +table at this time, and Mrs. James said: “If that is Captain Drinkwater, +let us ask him the answer as well?” + +It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave the same +identical answer: “ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS.” + +I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal, or the +disappointment we felt on reading the question, to which the answer was +so inappropriate. The question was, “_What’s old Pooter’s age_?” + +This quite decided me. + +As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I would again. + +I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm when driven +to it. + +I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: “This is the last of this nonsense +that shall ever take place under my roof. I regret I permitted myself to +be a party to such tomfoolery. If there is anything in it—which I +doubt—it is nothing of any good, and I _won’t have it again_. That is +enough.” + +Mrs. James said: “I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather over-stepping—” + +I said: “Hush, madam. I am master of this house—please understand that.” + +Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was mistaken in. +I was in such a rage I could not quite catch what she said. But if I +thought she said what it sounded like, she should never enter the house +again. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + +Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new apartments, and hear some +extraordinary information respecting the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. Meet +Miss Lilian Posh. Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. Important. + +JULY 1.—I find, on looking over my diary, nothing of any consequence has +taken place during the last month. To-day we lose Lupin, who has taken +furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. and Mrs. Murray +Posh, at two guineas a week. I think this is most extravagant of him, as +it is half his salary. Lupin says one never loses by a good address, +and, to use his own expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit “off.” +Whether he means it is “far off” I do not know. I have long since given +up trying to understand his curious expressions. I said the +neighbourhood had always been good enough for his parents. His reply +was: “It is no question of being good or bad. There is no money in it, +and I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs.” + +We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by himself, +and there may be some truth in his remark that an old and a young horse +can’t pull together in the same cart. + +Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, and like +old times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he occasionally suffered +from what he could not help—youth. + +JULY 2.—Cummings called, looked very pale, and said he had been very ill +again, and of course not a single friend had been near him. Carrie said +she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy of the _Bicycle +News_ on the table, with the following paragraph: “We regret to hear that +that favourite old roadster, Mr. Cummings (‘Long’ Cummings), has met with +what might have been a serious accident in Rye Lane. A mischievous boy +threw a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and the +machine overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily to the +ground. Fortunately he was more frightened than hurt, but we missed his +merry face at the dinner at Chingford, where they turned up in good +numbers. ‘Long’ Cummings’ health was proposed by our popular Vice, Mr. +Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein said it was +a case of ‘_Cumming_(s) thro’ the _Rye_, but fortunately there was more +_wheel_ than _woe_,’ a joke which created roars of laughter.” + +We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay to supper. +Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin, and he was much +better away. + +JULY 3, Sunday.—In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the parlour +window, which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with a gentleman +seated by the side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to be seen, +I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back of it violently +against the sharp edge of the window-sash. I was nearly stunned. There +was a loud double-knock at the front door; Carrie rushed out of the +parlour, upstairs to her room, and I followed, as Carrie thought it was +Mr. Perkupp. I thought it was Mr. Franching.—I whispered to Sarah over +the banisters: “Show them into the drawing-room.” Sarah said, as the +shutters were not opened, the room would smell musty. There was another +loud rat-tat. I whispered: “Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr. +Pooter will be down directly.” I changed my coat, but could not see to +do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass. + +Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. Lupin. + +This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and Lupin met me with +the remark: “I say, what did you run away from the window for? Did we +frighten you?” + +I foolishly said: “What window?” + +Lupin said: “Oh, you know. Shut it. You looked as if you were playing +at Punch and Judy.” + +On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: “Oh, I +think Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can do with a B. and S.” + +I said: “I am afraid we have no soda.” + +Lupin said: “Don’t bother about that. You just trip out and hold the +horse; I don’t think Sarah understands it.” + +They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin said: “I +want you both to come and dine with me next Wednesday, and see my new +place. Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, Miss Posh (Murray’s sister) are coming. +Eight o’clock sharp. No one else.” + +I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would like the +dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got home. + +Lupin said: “Rats! You must get used to it. If it comes to that, Daisy +and I can drive you home.” + +We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the familiar way in +which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is reprehensible. Anybody +would think they had been children together. I certainly should object +to a six months’ acquaintance calling _my_ wife “Carrie,” and driving out +with her. + +JULY 4.—Lupin’s rooms looked very nice; but the dinner was, I thought, a +little too grand, especially as he commenced with champagne straight off. +I also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr. and Mrs. Murray +Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on full evening dress. Knowing that +the dinner was only for us six, we never dreamed it would be a full dress +affair. I had no appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight +before we sat down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a hearty meal. +I had a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling famished, and I +expect that partly spoiled my appetite. + +We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called “Lillie Girl,” as if +he had known her all his life. She was very tall, rather plain, and I +thought she was a little painted round the eyes. I hope I am wrong; but +she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were black. She looked +about thirty. I did not like the way she kept giggling and giving Lupin +smacks and pinching him. Then her laugh was a sort of a scream that went +right through my ears, all the more irritating because there was nothing +to laugh at. In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with +her. They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including Miss Posh, who +startled Carrie by saying: “Don’t you smoke, dear?” I answered for +Carrie, and said: “Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet,” +whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again. + +Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what I have +said before—she does _not_ sing in tune; but Lupin sat by the side of the +piano, gazing into her eyes the whole time. If I had been Mr. Posh, I +think I should have had something to say about it. Mr. Posh made himself +very agreeable to us, and eventually sent us home in his carriage, which +I thought most kind. He is evidently very rich, for Mrs. Posh had on +some beautiful jewellery. She told Carrie her necklace, which her +husband gave her as a birthday present, alone cost £300. + +Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he would make +rapid way in the world. + +I could not help thinking of the £600 Mr. Posh lost over the _Parachikka +Chlorates_ through Lupin’s advice. + +During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and expressed +a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his means. + +Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands. “Posh’s one-price +hat” was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all +the big towns throughout England. Lupin further informed me that Mr. +Posh was opening branch establishments at New York, Sydney, and +Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and Johannesburg. + +I said I was pleased to hear it. + +Lupin said: “Why, he has settled over £10,000 on Daisy, and the same +amount on ‘Lillie Girl.’ If at any time I wanted a little capital, he +would put up a couple of ‘thou’ at a day’s notice, and could buy up +Perkupp’s firm over his head at any moment with ready cash.” + +On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I was +inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money was _not_ properly +divided. + +On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom cab, which +had been waiting for me for two hours with a letter. Sarah said she did +not know what to do, as we had not left the address where we had gone. I +trembled as I opened the letter, fearing it was some bad news about Mr. +Perkupp. The note was: “Dear Mr. Pooter,—Come down to the Victoria Hotel +without delay. Important. Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle.” + +I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman replied that it was +_not_; for his instructions were, if I happened to be out, he was to wait +till I came home. I felt very tired, and really wanted to go to bed. I +reached the hotel at a quarter before midnight. I apologised for being +so late, but Mr. Huttle said: “Not at all; come and have a few oysters.” +I feel my heart beating as I write these words. To be brief, Mr. Huttle +said he had a rich American friend who wanted to do something large in +our line of business, and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to +him. We talked over the matter. If, by any happy chance, the result be +successful, I can more than compensate my dear master for the loss of Mr. +Crowbillon’s custom. Mr. Huttle had previously said: “The glorious +‘Fourth’ is a lucky day for America, and, as it has not yet struck +twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of the best wine to be had in +the place, and drink good luck to our bit of business.” + +I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all. + +It was two o’clock when I got home. Although I was so tired, I could not +sleep except for short intervals—then only to dream. + +I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. The latter was in a +lovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkupp was waiting in the room. Mr. +Huttle kept taking off this crown and handing it to me, and calling me +“President.” + +He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept asking Mr. +Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master. Mr. Huttle kept saying: +“No, this is the White House of Washington, and you must keep your crown, +Mr. President.” + +We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and then I woke +up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over and over again. + + + + +CHAPTER THE LAST + + +One of the happiest days of my life. + +JULY 10.—The excitement and anxiety through which I have gone the last +few days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey. It is all but +settled. To-morrow the die will be cast. I have written a long letter +to Lupin—feeling it my duty to do so,—regarding his attention to Mrs. +Posh, for they drove up to our house again last night. + +JULY 11.—I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note of my +interview this morning with Mr. Perkupp. Addressing me, he said: “My +faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you have done +our firm. You can never be sufficiently thanked. Let us change the +subject. Do you like your house, and are you happy where you are?” + +I replied: “Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the neighbourhood, and +could not bear to leave it.” + +Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: “Mr. Pooter, I will purchase the +freehold of that house, and present it to the most honest and most worthy +man it has ever been my lot to meet.” + +He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be spared many +years to enjoy it. My heart was too full to thank him; and, seeing my +embarrassment, the good fellow said: “You need say nothing, Mr. Pooter,” +and left the office. + +I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I have never +done before), and asked the two latter to come round to supper. + +On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent Sarah round +to the grocer’s to get two bottles of “Jackson Frères.” + +My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post brought a +letter from Lupin in reply to mine. I read it aloud to them all. It +ran: “My dear old Guv.,—Keep your hair on. You are on the wrong tack +again. I am engaged to be married to ‘Lillie Girl.’ I did not mention +it last Thursday, as it was not definitely settled. We shall be married +in August, and amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing +and Cummings. With much love to all, from _The same old Lupin_.” + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DIARY OF A NOBODY *** + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Diary of a Nobody</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: George and Weedon Grossmith</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: June 27, 1997 [eBook #1026]<br /> +[Most recently updated: October 16, 2021]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: David Price</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DIARY OF A NOBODY ***</div> + +<h1>The Diary of<br /> +a Nobody</h1> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">BY</span><br +/> +GEORGE GROSSMITH<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">AND</span><br /> +WEEDON GROSSMITH</p> + +<p style="text-align: center">WITH ILLUSTRATIONS<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">BY</span><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">WEEDON GROSSMITH</span></p> + +<p style="text-align: center">A NEW EDITION</p> + +<p style="text-align: center">BRISTOL<br /> +<span class="smcap">J. W. Arrowsmith</span>, <span +class="smcap">Printer</span>, <span class="smcap">Quay +Street</span></p> + +<p style="text-align: center">LONDON<br /> +<span class="smcap">Simpkin</span>, <span +class="smcap">Marshall</span>, <span +class="smcap">Hamilton</span>, <span class="smcap">Kent & +Company Limited</span></p> +<h2>INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER</h2> +<p><i>Why should I not publish my diary</i>? <i>I have +often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard +of</i>, <i>and I fail to see</i>—<i>because I do not happen +to be a</i> ‘<i>Somebody</i>’—<i>why my diary +should not be interesting</i>. <i>My only regret is that I +did not commence it when I was a youth</i>.</p> + +<p style="text-align: right"><span class="smcap">Charles +Pooter</span>.</p> + +<p><i>The Laurels</i>,<br /> + <i>Brickfield Terrace</i>,<br /> + + +<i>Holloway</i>.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER I</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">We settle down in our new home, and I resolve +to keep a diary. Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the +scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a great +compliment.</p> + +<p>My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new +house, “The Laurels,” Brickfield Terrace, +Holloway—a nice six-roomed residence, not counting +basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a little +front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front +door, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up. +Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always come to +the little side entrance, which saves the servant the trouble of +going up to the front door, thereby taking her from her +work. We have a nice little back garden which runs down to +the railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of the +trains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice them +after a bit, and took £2 off the rent. He was +certainly right; and beyond the cracking of the garden wall at +the bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience.</p> + +<p>After my work in the City, I like to be at home. +What’s the good of a home, if you are never in it? +“Home, Sweet Home,” that’s my motto. I am +always in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in +without ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. My +dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them, if they like to +drop in on us. But Carrie and I can manage to pass our +evenings together without friends. There is always +something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put +straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail +down—all of which I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while +Carrie is not above putting a button on a shirt, mending a +pillow-case, or practising the “Sylvia Gavotte” on +our new cottage piano (on the three years’ system), +manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and +Collard (in very large letters). It is also a great comfort +to us to know that our boy Willie is getting on so well in the +Bank at Oldham. We should like to see more of him. +Now for my diary:—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 3.—Tradesmen called for +custom, and I promised Farmerson, the ironmonger, to give him a +turn if I wanted any nails or tools. By-the-by, that +reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bells +must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the front +door rings up in the servant’s bedroom, which is +ridiculous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but +wouldn’t stay, saying there was an infernal smell of +paint.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 4. Tradesmen still +calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to deal with Horwin, who +seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. Ordered a +shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial. +Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound +of fresh butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for +kitchen, and a shilling’s worth of eggs. In the +evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me a meerschaum +pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle it +carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was +moist. He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t +care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper +as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I +shall get into a <i>scrape</i>. I don’t often make +jokes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 5.—Two shoulders of +mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with another butcher +without consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over scraper +coming in. <i>Must</i> get that scraper removed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 6.—Eggs for breakfast +simply shocking; sent them back to Borset with my compliments, +and he needn’t call any more for orders. +Couldn’t find umbrella, and though it was pouring with +rain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have +took it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the +‘all that didn’t belong to nobody. In the +evening, hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant +in the downstairs hall, I went out to see who it was, and was +surprised to find it was Borset, the butterman, who was both +drunk and offensive. Borset, on seeing me, said he would be +hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any more—the game +wasn’t worth the candle. I restrained my feelings, +and quietly remarked that I thought it was <i>possible</i> for a +city clerk to be a <i>gentleman</i>. He replied he was very +glad to hear it, and wanted to know whether I had ever come +across one, for <i>he</i> hadn’t. He left the house, +slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and +I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I +hadn’t removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a +splendid answer I ought to have given him. However, I will +keep it for another occasion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 7.—Being Saturday, I +looked forward to being home early, and putting a few things +straight; but two of our principals at the office were absent +through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found +Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to +apologise for his conduct last night. He said he was unable +to take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last night +instead. He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of +fresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow; +so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request that +on this occasion they <i>should</i> be fresh. I am afraid +we shall have to get some new stair-carpets after all; our old +ones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint on either +side. Carrie suggests that we might ourselves broaden the +paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark +chocolate) on Monday.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 8, Sunday.—After +Church, the Curate came back with us. I sent Carrie in to +open front door, which we do not use except on special +occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my +display, I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did +not catch,) round the side entrance. He caught his foot in +the scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers. Most +annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them on a +Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk +round the garden, and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing +mustard-and-cress and radishes. Went to Church again in the +evening: walked back with the Curate. Carrie noticed he had +got on the same pair of trousers, only repaired. He wants +me to take round the plate, which I think a great compliment.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER II</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Tradesmen and the scraper still +troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with his complaints of +the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life. +Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, +and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a +fool before Cummings.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 9.—Commenced the +morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided <i>not</i> to +arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for +manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want +my custom. I simply said: “Then what are you making +all this fuss about it for?” And he shouted out at +the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could hear: +“Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up +‘things’ like you by the dozen!”</p> + +<p>I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this +disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a +violent kicking at the door, enough to break the panels. It +was the blackguard butcher again, who said he had cut his foot +over the scraper, and would immediately bring an action against +me. Called at Farmerson’s, the ironmonger, on my way +to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper and repairing +the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the +landlord with such a trifling matter.</p> + +<p>Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter +and decorator, who had sent in a card, said he could not match +the colour on the stairs, as it contained Indian carmine. +He said he spent half-a-day calling at warehouses to see if he +could get it. He suggested he should entirely repaint the +stairs. It would cost very little more; if he tried to +match it, he could only make a bad job of it. It would be +more satisfactory to him and to us to have the work done +properly. I consented, but felt I had been talked +over. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and went +to bed at nine.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 10.—Farmerson came +round to attend to the scraper himself. He seems a very +civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct such +small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked +him, and went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of +the young clerks are at arriving. I told three of them that +if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be +discharged.</p> + +<p>Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six +weeks, told me “to keep my hair on!” I informed +him I had had the honour of being in the firm twenty years, to +which he insolently replied that I “looked it.” +I gave him an indignant look, and said: “I demand from you +some respect, sir.” He replied: “All right, go +on demanding.” I would not argue with him any +further. You cannot argue with people like that. In +the evening Gowing called, and repeated his complaint about the +smell of paint. Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his +remarks, and not always cautious; and Carrie once very properly +reminded him that she was present.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 11.—Mustard-and-cress +and radishes not come up yet. To-day was a day of +annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine ’bus to the +City, through having words with the grocer’s boy, who for +the second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the +hall-door, and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the +fresh-cleaned door-steps. He said he had knocked at the +side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. I +knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairs +doing the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the +bell? He replied that he did pull the bell, but the handle +came off in his hand.</p> + +<p>I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never +happened to me before. There has recently been much +irregularity in the attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, +our principal, unfortunately chose this very morning to pounce +down upon us early. Someone had given the tip to the +others. The result was that I was the only one late of the +lot. Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I +was saved by his intervention. As I passed by Pitt’s +desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour: “How +disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!” +This was, of course, meant for me. I treated the +observation with silence, simply giving him a look, which +unfortunately had the effect of making both of the clerks +laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more dignified +if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummings +called in the evening, and we played dominoes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 12.—Mustard-and-cress +and radishes not come up yet. Left Farmerson repairing the +scraper, but when I came home found three men working. I +asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a +fresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was a +most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it +evidently knew nothing about his business. I felt his +excuse was no consolation for the expense I shall be put to.</p> + +<p>In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a +smoke together in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us +later, but did not stay long, saying the smoke was too much for +her. It was also rather too much for me, for Gowing had +given me what he called a green cigar, one that his friend +Shoemach had just brought over from America. The cigar +didn’t look green, but I fancy I must have done so; for +when I had smoked a little more than half I was obliged to retire +on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.</p> + +<p>I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling +the need of fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was +not smoking: offered me another cigar, which I politely +declined. Gowing began his usual sniffing, so, anticipating +him, I said: “You’re not going to complain of the +smell of paint again?” He said: “No, not this +time; but I’ll tell you what, I distinctly smell dry +rot.” I don’t often make jokes, but I replied: +“You’re talking a lot of <i>dry rot</i> +yourself.” I could not help roaring at this, and +Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I never +was so immensely tickled by anything I have ever said +before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and +laughed till the bed shook.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 13.—An extraordinary +coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman to make some chintz +covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent the sun +fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman, and +recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old +aunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world is.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 14.—Spent the whole of +the afternoon in the garden, having this morning picked up at a +bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in good condition, +on <i>Gardening</i>. I procured and sowed some half-hardy +annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I +thought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out +rather testy, I thought. I said: “I have just +discovered we have got a lodging-house.” She replied: +“How do you mean?” I said: “Look at the +<i>boarders</i>.” Carrie said: “Is that all you +wanted me for?” I said: “Any other time you +would have laughed at my little pleasantry.” Carrie +said: “Certainly—<i>at any other time</i>, but not +when I am busy in the house.” The stairs looked very +nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked <i>all +right</i>, but it made the banisters look <i>all wrong</i>, and +suggested a coat of paint on them also, which Carrie quite agreed +with. I walked round to Putley, and fortunately he was out, +so I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide. +By-the-by, that is rather funny.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 15, Sunday.—At three +o’clock Cummings and Gowing called for a good long walk +over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend named +Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except +Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the +ground and cutting at the grass with his stick.</p> + +<p>As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, +and Gowing suggested that we should make for “The Cow and +Hedge” and get some tea. Stillbrook said: “A +brandy-and-soda was good enough for him.” I reminded +them that all public-houses were closed till six +o’clock. Stillbrook said, “That’s all +right—<i>bona-fide</i> travellers.”</p> + +<p>We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of +the gate said: “Where from?” I replied: +“Holloway.” He immediately put up his arm, and +declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when I +saw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for +the entrance. I watched them, and thought I would have a +good laugh at their expense, I heard the porter say: “Where +from?” When, to my surprise, in fact disgust, +Stillbrook replied: “Blackheath,” and the three were +immediately admitted.</p> + +<p>Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: “We +shan’t be a minute.” I waited for them the best +part of an hour. When they appeared they were all in most +excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to +apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: “It was very +rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S. +and B.’s.” I walked home in silence; I +couldn’t speak to them. I felt very dull all the +evening, but deemed it advisable <i>not</i> to say anything to +Carrie about the matter.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 16.—After business, set +to work in the garden. When it got dark I wrote to Cummings +and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhaps they were +ashamed of themselves) about yesterday’s adventure at +“The Cow and Hedge.” Afterwards made up my mind +not to write <i>yet</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 17.—Thought I would +write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings about last +Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook. +Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and +determined not to <i>write</i> at all, but to <i>speak</i> +quietly to them. Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter +from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been waiting +for an explanation of <i>my</i> (mind you, <span +class="smcap">my</span>) extraordinary conduct coming home on +Sunday. At last I wrote: “I thought I was the +aggrieved party; but as I freely forgive you, you—feeling +yourself aggrieved—should bestow forgiveness on +me.” I have copied this <i>verbatim</i> in the diary, +because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful +sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but in +my own heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been +insulted.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 18.—Am in for a +cold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing. In +the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for a +bottle of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke +with the shivers. Was startled by a loud knock at the front +door. Carrie awfully flurried. Sarah still out, so +went up, opened the door, and found it was only Cummings. +Remembered the grocer’s boy had again broken the +side-bell. Cummings squeezed my hand, and said: +“I’ve just seen Gowing. All right. Say no +more about it.” There is no doubt they are both under +the impression I have apologised.</p> + +<p>While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: +“By-the-by, do you want any wine or spirits? My +cousin Merton has just set up in the trade, and has a splendid +whisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eight shillings. It +is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.” I +told him my cellars, which were very small, were full up. +To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and +putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of +newspaper, on the table in front of us, said: “Please, sir, +the grocer says he ain’t got no more Kinahan, but +you’ll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence +returned on the bottle; and, please, did you want any more +sherry? as he has some at one-and-three, as dry as a +nut!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER III</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">A conversation with Mr. Merton on +Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, of Sutton, come up. A +miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experiments with +enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing and +Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red, +with unexpected result.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 19.—Cummings called, +bringing with him his friend Merton, who is in the wine +trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made himself at +home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him +immediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.</p> + +<p>He leaned back in his chair and said: “You must take me +as I am;” and I replied: “Yes—and you must take +us as we are. We’re homely people, we are not +swells.”</p> + +<p>He answered: “No, I can see that,” and Gowing +roared with laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner +said to Gowing: “I don’t think you quite understand +me. I intended to convey that our charming host and hostess +were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading a +simple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny +tea-drinking afternoons, and living above their +incomes.”</p> + +<p>I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of +Merton’s, and concluded that subject by saying: “No, +candidly, Mr. Merton, we don’t go into Society, because we +do not care for it; and what with the expense of cabs here and +cabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it +doesn’t seem worth the money.”</p> + +<p>Merton said in reference to <i>friends</i>: “My motto is +‘Few and True;’ and, by the way, I also apply that to +wine, ‘Little and Good.’” Gowing said: +“Yes, and sometimes ‘cheap and tasty,’ eh, old +man?” Merton, still continuing, said he should treat +me as a friend, and put me down for a dozen of his +“Lockanbar” whisky, and as I was an old friend of +Gowing, I should have it for 36s., which was considerably under +what he paid for it.</p> + +<p>He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I +wanted any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his +name stood good for any theatre in London.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 20.—Carrie reminded me +that as her old school friend, Annie Fullers (now Mrs. James), +and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days, it would +look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line to +Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the Italian +Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that +effect.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 21.—Got a reply from +Merton, saying he was very busy, and just at present +couldn’t manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, +Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the +<i>Brown Bushes</i>, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed +seats for four; also bill for whisky.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 23.—Mr. and Mrs. James +(Miss Fullers that was) came to meat tea, and we left directly +after for the Tank Theatre. We got a ’bus that took +us to King’s Cross, and then changed into one that took us +to the “Angel.” Mr. James each time insisted on +paying for all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and that +was quite enough.</p> + +<p>We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our +’bus-load except an old woman with a basket seemed to be +going in. I walked ahead and presented the tickets. +The man looked at them, and called out: “Mr. Willowly! do +you know anything about these?” holding up my +tickets. The gentleman called to, came up and examined my +tickets, and said: “Who gave you these?” I +said, rather indignantly: “Mr. Merton, of +course.” He said: “Merton? Who’s +he?” I answered, rather sharply: “You ought to +know, his name’s good at any theatre in +London.” He replied: “Oh! is it? Well, it +ain’t no good here. These tickets, which are not +dated, were issued under Mr. Swinstead’s management, which +has since changed hands.” While I was having some +very unpleasant words with the man, James, who had gone upstairs +with the ladies, called out: “Come on!” I went +up after them, and a very civil attendant said: “This way, +please, box H.” I said to James: “Why, how on +earth did you manage it?” and to my horror he replied: +“Why, paid for it of course.”</p> + +<p>This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the +play, but I was doomed to still further humiliation. I was +leaning out of the box, when my tie—a little black bow +which fastened on to the stud by means of a new patent—fell +into the pit below. A clumsy man not noticing it, had his +foot on it for ever so long before he discovered it. He +then picked it up and eventually flung it under the next seat in +disgust. What with the box incident and the tie, I felt +quite miserable. Mr. James, of Sutton, was very good. +He said: “Don’t worry—no one will notice it +with your beard. That is the only advantage of growing one +that I can see.” There was no occasion for that +remark, for Carrie is very proud of my beard.</p> + +<p>To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the +rest of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of my +neck.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 24.—Could scarcely +sleep a wink through thinking of having brought up Mr. and Mrs. +James from the country to go to the theatre last night, and his +having paid for a private box because our order was not honoured, +and such a poor play too. I wrote a very satirical letter +to Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said, +“Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did our best +to appreciate the performance.” I thought this line +rather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p’s there were +in appreciate, and she said, “One.” After I +sent off the letter I looked at the dictionary and found there +were two. Awfully vexed at this.</p> + +<p>Decided not to worry myself any more about the James’s; +for, as Carrie wisely said, “We’ll make it all right +with them by asking them up from Sutton one evening next week to +play at Bézique.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 25.—In consequence of +Brickwell telling me his wife was working wonders with the new +Pinkford’s enamel paint, I determined to try it. I +bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened through +tea, went into the garden and painted some flower-pots. I +called out Carrie, who said: “You’ve always got some +newfangled craze;” but she was obliged to admit that the +flower-pots looked remarkably well. Went upstairs into the +servant’s bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse, +and chest of drawers. To my mind it was an extraordinary +improvement, but as an example of the ignorance of the lower +classes in the matter of taste, our servant, Sarah, on seeing +them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said “she +thought they looked very well as they was before.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 26.—Got some more red +enamel paint (red, to my mind, being the best colour), and +painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of our <i>Shakspeare</i>, +the binding of which had almost worn out.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 27.—Painted the bath +red, and was delighted with the result. Sorry to say Carrie +was not, in fact we had a few words about it. She said I +ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such a +thing as a bath being painted red. I replied: +“It’s merely a matter of taste.”</p> + +<p>Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a +voice saying, “May I come in?” It was only +Cummings, who said, “Your maid opened the door, and asked +me to excuse her showing me in, as she was wringing out some +socks.” I was delighted to see him, and suggested we +should have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way of merriment +said: “You can be the dummy.” Cummings (I +thought rather ill-naturedly) replied: “Funny as +usual.” He said he couldn’t stop, he only +called to leave me the <i>Bicycle News</i>, as he had done with +it.</p> + +<p>Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he +“must apologise for coming so often, and that one of these +days we must come round to <i>him</i>.” I said: +“A very extraordinary thing has struck me.” +“Something funny, as usual,” said Cummings. +“Yes,” I replied; “I think even you will say so +this time. It’s concerning you both; for +doesn’t it seem odd that Gowing’s always coming and +Cummings’ always going?” Carrie, who had +evidently quite forgotten about the bath, went into fits of +laughter, and as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my chair, +till it cracked beneath me. I think this was one of the +best jokes I have ever made.</p> + +<p>Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and +Gowing perfectly silent, and without a smile on their +faces. After rather an unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had +opened a cigar-case, closed it up again and said: +“Yes—I think, after that, I <i>shall</i> be going, +and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes.” +Gowing said he didn’t mind a joke when it wasn’t +rude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, was certainly a +little wanting in good taste. Cummings followed it up by +saying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, he +shouldn’t have entered the house again. This rather +unpleasantly terminated what might have been a cheerful +evening. However, it was as well they went, for the +charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 28.—At the office, the +new and very young clerk Pitt, who was very impudent to me a week +or so ago, was late again. I told him it would be my duty +to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise, Pitt +apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. I +was unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner +towards me, and told him I would look over his +unpunctuality. Passing down the room an hour later. I +received a smart smack in the face from a rolled-up ball of hard +foolscap. I turned round sharply, but all the clerks were +apparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but +I would give half-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown by +accident or design. Went home early and bought some more +enamel paint—black this time—and spent the evening +touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair of boots, +making them look as good as new. Also painted +Gowing’s walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it +look like ebony.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 29, Sunday.—Woke up +with a fearful headache and strong symptoms of a cold. +Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, said it was +“painter’s colic,” and was the result of my +having spent the last few days with my nose over a +paint-pot. I told her firmly that I knew a great deal +better what was the matter with me than she did. I had got +a chill, and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear +it. Bath ready—could scarcely bear it so hot. I +persevered, and got in; very hot, but very acceptable. I +lay still for some time.</p> + +<p>On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I +experienced the greatest fright I ever received in the whole +course of my life; for imagine my horror on discovering my hand, +as I thought, full of blood. My first thought was that I +had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to death, and should be +discovered, later on, looking like a second Marat, as I remember +seeing him in Madame Tussaud’s. My second thought was +to ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell to ring. +My third was, that there was nothing but the enamel paint, which +had dissolved with boiling water. I stepped out of the +bath, perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I have +seen depicted at an East-End theatre. I determined not to +say a word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and +paint the bath white.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">The ball at the Mansion House.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 30.—Perfectly astounded +at receiving an invitation for Carrie and myself from the Lord +and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to “meet the +Representatives of Trades and Commerce.” My heart +beat like that of a schoolboy’s. Carrie and I read +the invitation over two or three times. I could scarcely +eat my breakfast. I said—and I felt it from the +bottom of my heart,—“Carrie darling, I was a proud +man when I led you down the aisle of the church on our +wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if not surpassed, when +I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady Mayoress at +the Mansion House.” I saw the tears in Carrie’s +eyes, and she said: “Charlie dear, it is <i>I</i> who have +to be proud of you. And I am very, very proud of you. +You have called me pretty; and as long as I am pretty in your +eyes, I am happy. You, dear old Charlie, are not handsome, +but you are <i>good</i>, which is far more noble.” I +gave her a kiss, and she said: “I wonder if there will be +any dancing? I have not danced with you for +years.”</p> + +<p>I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round +the waist, and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind +of polka when Sarah entered, grinning, and said: “There is +a man, mum, at the door who wants to know if you want any good +coals.” Most annoyed at this. Spent the evening +in answering, and tearing up again, the reply to the Mansion +House, having left word with Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called +we were not at home. Must consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer +the Lord Mayor’s invitation.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 1.—Carrie said: “I +should like to send mother the invitation to look +at.” I consented, as soon as I had answered it. +I told Mr. Perkupp, at the office, with a feeling of pride, that +we had received an invitation to the Mansion House; and he said, +to my astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lord +Mayor’s secretary. I felt this rather discounted the +value of the invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply to me, +he described how I was to answer it. I felt the reply was +too simple; but of course Mr. Perkupp knows best.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 2.—Sent my dress-coat and +trousers to the little tailor’s round the corner, to have +the creases taken out. Told Gowing not to call next Monday, +as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar note to +Cummings.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 3.—Carrie went to Mrs. +James, at Sutton, to consult about her dress for next +Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our +head clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: “Oh, +I’m asked, but don’t think I shall go.” +When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel my invitation is +considerably discounted. In the evening, while I was out, +the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, and because +Sarah had not a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took them +away again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 4.—Carrie’s mother +returned the Lord Mayor’s invitation, which was sent to her +to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of port over +it. I was too angry to say anything.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 5.—Bought a pair of +lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and two white ties, in case +one got spoiled in the tying.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 6, Sunday.—A very dull +sermon, during which, I regret to say, I twice thought of the +Mansion House reception to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 7.—A big red-letter day; +viz., the Lord Mayor’s reception. The whole house +upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie +wanted the room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from +Sutton to help Carrie; so I could not help thinking it +unreasonable that she should require the entire attention of +Sarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running out of the +house to fetch “something for missis,” and several +times I had, in my full evening-dress, to answer the +back-door.</p> + +<p>The last time it was the greengrocer’s boy, who, not +seeing it was me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into +my hands two cabbages and half-a-dozen coal-blocks. I +indignantly threw them on the ground, and felt so annoyed that I +so far forgot myself as to box the boy’s ears. He +went away crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I would +not have happen for the world. In the dark, I stepped on a +piece of the cabbage, which brought me down on the flags all of a +heap. For a moment I was stunned, but when I recovered I +crawled upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking into the +chimney-glass discovered that my chin was bleeding, my shirt +smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at the +knee.</p> + +<p>However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I +changed in the drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster +on my chin, and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the +knee. At nine o’clock Carrie swept into the room, +looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely, +or so distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of +sky-blue—my favourite colour—and a piece of lace, +which Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders, to give a +finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long +behind, and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it +was <i>à la mode</i>. Mrs. James was most kind, and +lent Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers, the value of which, +she said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged to the Kachu +eagle—a bird now extinct. I preferred the little +white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six at +Shoolbred’s, but both ladies sat on me at once.</p> + +<p>We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather +fortunate, for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, +who graciously condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I +must say I was disappointed to find he did not even know Mr. +Perkupp, our principal.</p> + +<p>I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one +who did not know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, +and I shall never forget the grand sight. My humble pen can +never describe it. I was a little annoyed with Carrie, who +kept saying: “Isn’t it a pity we don’t know +anybody?”</p> + +<p>Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked +like Franching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she +seized me by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly: +“Don’t leave me,” which caused an elderly +gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, and two +ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowd +in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid +supper—any amount of champagne.</p> + +<p>Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for +I sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a +dish she did not taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat +much. Receiving a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned, +and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, our ironmonger. He +said, in the most familiar way: “This is better than +Brickfield Terrace, eh?” I simply looked at him, and +said coolly: “I never expected to see you +here.” He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: “I +like that—if <i>you</i>, why not <i>me</i>?” I +replied: “Certainly,” I wish I could have thought of +something better to say. He said: “Can I get your +good lady anything?” Carrie said: “No, I thank +you,” for which I was pleased. I said, by way of +reproof to him: “You never sent to-day to paint the bath, +as I requested.” Farmerson said: “Pardon me, +Mr. Pooter, no shop when we’re in company, +please.”</p> + +<p>Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full +Court costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an +old friend, and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I +was astonished. For full five minutes they stood roaring +with laughter, and stood digging each other in the ribs. +They kept telling each other they didn’t look a day +older. They began embracing each other and drinking +champagne.</p> + +<p>To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any +member of our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, +when Farmerson seized me rather roughly by the collar, and +addressing the sheriff, said: “Let me introduce my +neighbour, Pooter.” He did not even say +“Mister.” The sheriff handed me a glass of +champagne. I felt, after all, it was a great honour to +drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so. We stood +chatting for some time, and at last I said: “You must +excuse me now if I join Mrs. Pooter.” When I +approached her, she said: “Don’t let me take you away +from friends. I am quite happy standing here alone in a +crowd, knowing nobody!”</p> + +<p>As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the +time nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: +“I hope my darling little wife will dance with me, if only +for the sake of saying we had danced at the Mansion House as +guests of the Lord Mayor.” Finding the dancing after +supper was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used to +admire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round her +waist and we commenced a waltz.</p> + +<p>A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new +pair of boots. Foolishly, I had omitted to take +Carrie’s advice; namely, to scratch the soles of them with +the points of the scissors or to put a little wet on them. +I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slipped +away and I came down, the side of my head striking the floor with +such violence that for a second or two I did not know what had +happened. I needly hardly say that Carrie fell with me with +equal violence, breaking the comb in her hair and grazing her +elbow.</p> + +<p>There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked +when people found that we had really hurt ourselves. A +gentleman assisted Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself +pretty strongly on the danger of having a plain polished floor +with no carpet or drugget to prevent people slipping. The +gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, insisted on escorting +Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was pleased +to allow Carrie to accept.</p> + +<p>I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his +loud voice “Oh, are you the one who went down?”</p> + +<p>I answered with an indignant look.</p> + +<p>With execrable taste, he said: “Look here, old man, we +are too old for this game. We must leave these capers to +the youngsters. Come and have another glass, that is more +in our line.”</p> + +<p>Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we +followed the others into the supper-room.</p> + +<p>Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt +inclined to stay longer. As we were departing, Farmerson +said: “Are you going? if so, you might give me a +lift.”</p> + +<p>I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted +Carrie.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER V</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie +offended. Gowing also offended. A pleasant party at +the Cummings’. Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits +us.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 8.—I woke up with a most +terrible headache. I could scarcely see, and the back of my +neck was as if I had given it a crick. I thought first of +sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary. +When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish’s, the chemist, +who gave me a draught. So bad at the office, had to get +leave to come home. Went to another chemist in the City, +and I got a draught. Brownish’s dose seems to have +made me worse; have eaten nothing all day. To make matters +worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me +sharply—that is, when she answered at all.</p> + +<p>In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: +“I do believe I’ve been poisoned by the lobster +mayonnaise at the Mansion House last night;” she simply +replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing: +“Champagne never did agree with you.” I felt +irritated, and said: “What nonsense you talk; I only had a +glass and a half, and you know as well as I +do—” Before I could complete the sentence she +bounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting for her +to return; but as she did not, I determined I would go to +bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even +saying “good-night”; leaving me to bar the scullery +door and feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about +this in the morning.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 9.—Still a little shaky, +with black specks. The <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i> +contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion House +Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though +Farmerson’s is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, +whatever that may mean. More than vexed, because we had +ordered a dozen copies to send to our friends. Wrote to the +<i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>, pointing out their +omission.</p> + +<p>Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the +parlour. I helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, +perfectly calmly and quietly: “Carrie, I wish a little +explanation of your conduct last night.”</p> + +<p>She replied, “Indeed! and I desire something more than a +little explanation of your conduct the night before.”</p> + +<p>I said, coolly: “Really, I don’t understand +you.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said sneeringly: “Probably not; you were scarcely +in a condition to understand anything.”</p> + +<p>I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: +“Caroline!”</p> + +<p>She said: “Don’t be theatrical, it has no effect +on me. Reserve that tone for your new friend, Mister +Farmerson, the ironmonger.”</p> + +<p>I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have +never seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She +said: “Now <i>I’m</i> going to say something! +After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, you permit him to snub +<i>you</i>, in my presence, and then accept his invitation to +take a glass of champagne with you, and you don’t limit +yourself to one glass. You then offer this vulgar man, who +made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the +way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in +getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James’s +expensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he +never even apologised; but you smoked all the way home without +having the decency to ask my permission. That is not +all! At the end of the journey, although he did not offer +you a farthing towards his share of the cab, you asked him +in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, from my +manner, that his company was not desirable.”</p> + +<p>Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make +matters worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with +two hats on his head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, +with Carrie’s fur tippet (which he had taken off the +downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a +loud, coarse voice: “His Royal Highness, the Lord +Mayor!” He marched twice round the room like a +buffoon, and finding we took no notice, said: “Hulloh! +what’s up? Lovers’ quarrel, eh?”</p> + +<p>There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: “My +dear Gowing, I’m not very well, and not quite in the humour +for joking; especially when you enter the room without knocking, +an act which I fail to see the fun of.”</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “I’m very sorry, but I called for my +stick, which I thought you would have sent round.” I +handed him his stick, which I remembered I had painted black with +the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He looked at it +for a minute with a dazed expression and said: “Who did +this?”</p> + +<p>I said: “Eh, did what?”</p> + +<p>He said: “Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! +It belonged to my poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I +have in the world! I’ll know who did it.”</p> + +<p>I said: “I’m very sorry. I dare say it will +come off. I did it for the best.”</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “Then all I can say is, it’s a +confounded liberty; and I <i>would</i> add, you’re a bigger +fool than you look, only <i>that’s</i> absolutely +impossible.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 12.—Got a single copy of +the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>. There was a short +list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid people had +mentioned our names as “Mr. and Mrs. C. +Porter.” Most annoying! Wrote again and I took +particular care to write our name in capital letters, +<i>POOTER</i>, so that there should be no possible mistake this +time.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 16.—Absolutely disgusted +on opening the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i> of to-day, to +find the following paragraph: “We have received two letters +from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to announce the +important fact that they were at the Mansion House +Ball.” I tore up the paper and threw it in the +waste-paper basket. My time is far too valuable to bother +about such trifles.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 21.—The last week or ten +days terribly dull, Carrie being away at Mrs. James’s, at +Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I presume, is +still offended with me for black enamelling his stick without +asking him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 22.—Purchased a new stick +mounted with silver, which cost seven-and-sixpence (shall tell +Carrie five shillings), and sent it round with nice note to +Gowing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 23.—Received strange note +from Gowing; he said: “Offended? not a bit, my boy—I +thought you were offended with me for losing my temper. +Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle’s +stick you painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at +a tobacconist’s. However, I am much obliged to you +for your handsome present all same.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 24.—Carrie back. +Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except that the sun has +caught her nose.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 25.—Carrie brought down +some of my shirts and advised me to take them to Trillip’s +round the corner. She said: “The fronts and cuffs are +much frayed.” I said without a moment’s +hesitation: “I’m <i>’frayed</i> they +are.” Lor! how we roared. I thought we should +never stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting next the +driver going to town on the ’bus, I told him my joke about +the “frayed” shirts. I thought he would have +rolled off his seat. They laughed at the office a good bit +too over it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 26.—Left the shirts to be +repaired at Trillip’s. I said to him: +“I’m <i>’fraid</i> they are +<i>frayed</i>.” He said, without a smile: +“They’re bound to do that, sir.” Some +people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 1.—The last week has +been like old times, Carrie being back, and Gowing and Cummings +calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat out in the +garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of +children, and played “consequences.” It is a +good game.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> +2.—“Consequences” again this evening. Not +quite so successful as last night; Gowing having several times +overstepped the limits of good taste.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 4.—In the evening Carrie +and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. Cummings’ to spend a quiet +evening with them. Gowing was there, also Mr. +Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings +sang five or six songs, “No, Sir,” and “The +Garden of Sleep,” being best in my humble judgment; but +what pleased me most was the duet she sang with +Carrie—classical duet, too. I think it is called, +“I would that my love!” It was beautiful. +If Carrie had been in better voice, I don’t think +professionals could have sung it better. After supper we +made them sing it again. I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since +the walk that Sunday to the “Cow and Hedge,” but I +must say he sings comic-songs well. His song: “We +don’t Want the old men now,” made us shriek with +laughter, especially the verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; but +there was one verse I think he might have omitted, and I said so, +but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 6.—Trillip brought round +the shirts and, to my disgust, his charge for repairing was more +than I gave for them when new. I told him so, and he +impertinently replied: “Well, they are better now than when +they were new.” I paid him, and said it was a +robbery. He said: “If you wanted your shirt-fronts +made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing and +bookbinding, why didn’t you say so?”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 7.—A dreadful +annoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who lives at Peckham, and who +is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to come +home to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think he +would accept such a humble invitation; but he did, saying, in a +most friendly way, he would rather “peck” with us +than by himself. I said: “We had better get into this +blue ’bus.” He replied: “No blue-bussing +for me. I have had enough of the blues lately. I lost +a cool ‘thou’ over the Copper Scare. Step in +here.”</p> + +<p>We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked +three times at the front door without getting an answer. I +saw Carrie, through the panels of ground-glass (with stars), +rushing upstairs. I told Mr. Franching to wait at the door +while I went round to the side. There I saw the +grocer’s boy actually picking off the paint on the door, +which had formed into blisters. No time to reprove him; so +went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen +window. I let in Mr. Franching, and showed him into the +drawing-room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who was changing +her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come +home. She replied: “How can you do such a +thing? You know it’s Sarah’s holiday, and +there’s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having +turned with the hot weather.”</p> + +<p>Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped +down, washed up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave +Franching our views of Japan to look at while I ran round to the +butcher’s to get three chops.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 30.—The miserable cold +weather is either upsetting me or Carrie, or both. We seem +to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing, and this +unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times.</p> + +<p>This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking +about balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the +conversation drifted into family matters, during which Carrie, +without the slightest reason, referred in the most +uncomplimentary manner to my poor father’s pecuniary +trouble. I retorted by saying that “Pa, at all +events, was a gentleman,” whereupon Carrie burst out +crying. I positively could not eat any breakfast.</p> + +<p>At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was +very sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from +next Saturday. Franching called at office and asked me to +dine at his club, “The Constitutional.” Fearing +disagreeables at home after the “tiff” this morning, +I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I was going out to dine +and she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver bangle +for Carrie.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 31.—Carrie was very +pleased with the bangle, which I left with an affectionate note +on her dressing-table last night before going to bed. I +told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next +Saturday. She replied quite happily that she did not mind, +except that the weather was so bad, and she feared that Miss +Jibbons would not be able to get her a seaside dress in +time. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pink +bows looked quite good enough; and Carrie said she should not +think of wearing it. I was about to discuss the matter, +when, remembering the argument yesterday, resolved to hold my +tongue.</p> + +<p>I said to Carrie: “I don’t think we can do better +than ‘Good old Broadstairs.’” Carrie not +only, to my astonishment, raised an objection to Broadstairs, for +the first time; but begged me not to use the expression, +“Good old,” but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and +other <i>gentlemen</i> of his type. Hearing my ’bus +pass the window, I was obliged to rush out of the house without +kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted to her: “I leave it +to you to decide.” On returning in the evening, +Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided +on Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour View +Terrace, for apartments.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 1.—Ordered a new pair +of trousers at Edwards’s, and told them not to cut them so +loose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and also tight +at the knee, looked like a sailor’s, and I heard Pitt, that +objectionable youth at the office, call out +“Hornpipe” as I passed his desk. Carrie has +ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt, +which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the +evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, while I read to +her the <i>Exchange and Mart</i>. We had a good laugh over +my trying on the hat when she had finished it; Carrie saying it +looked so funny with my beard, and how the people would have +roared if I went on the stage like it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 2.—Mrs. Beck wrote to +say we could have our usual rooms at Broadstairs. +That’s off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and a +pair of tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks +wearing in the City, and hear are all the “go.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 3.—A beautiful +day. Looking forward to to-morrow. Carrie bought a +parasol about five feet long. I told her it was +ridiculous. She said: “Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one +twice as long so;” the matter dropped. I bought a +capital hat for hot weather at the seaside. I don’t +know what it is called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in +India, only made of straw. Got three new ties, two coloured +handkerchiefs, and a pair of navy-blue socks at Pope +Brothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrie told me +not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth’s telescope, which +he always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it. +Sent Sarah out for it. While everything was seeming so +bright, the last post brought us a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: +“I have just let all my house to one party, and am sorry I +must take back my words, and am sorry you must find other +apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased to +accommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as her +rooms are engaged Bank Holiday week.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie +Lupin Pooter.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 4.—The first post +brought a nice letter from our dear son Willie, acknowledging a +trifling present which Carrie sent him, the day before yesterday +being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement he +turned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way +from Oldham. He said he had got leave from the bank, and as +Monday was a holiday he thought he would give us a little +surprise.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 5, Sunday.—We have not +seen Willie since last Christmas, and are pleased to notice what +a fine young man he has grown. One would scarcely believe +he was Carrie’s son. He looks more like a younger +brother. I rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit on +a Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to church this +morning; but he said he was tired after yesterday’s +journey, so I refrained from any remark on the subject. We +had a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie’s +health.</p> + +<p>He said: “Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I’ve cut +my first name, ‘William,’ and taken the second name +‘Lupin’? In fact, I’m only known at +Oldham as ‘Lupin Pooter.’ If you were to +‘Willie’ me there, they wouldn’t know what you +meant.”</p> + +<p>Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was +delighted, and began by giving a long history of the +Lupins. I ventured to say that I thought William a nice +simple name, and reminded him he was christened after his Uncle +William, who was much respected in the City. Willie, in a +manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: “Oh, +I know all about that—Good old Bill!” and helped +himself to a third glass of port.</p> + +<p>Carrie objected strongly to my saying “Good old,” +but she made no remark when Willie used the double +adjective. I said nothing, but looked at her, which meant +more. I said: “My dear Willie, I hope you are happy +with your colleagues at the Bank.” He replied: +“Lupin, if you please; and with respect to the Bank, +there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the +‘boss’ is a cad.” I felt so shocked, I +could say nothing, and my instinct told me there was something +wrong.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 6, Bank Holiday.—As +there was no sign of Lupin moving at nine o’clock, I +knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted at half-past +eight, and asked how long would he be? Lupin replied that +he had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the +house all night, and then with the sun streaming in through the +window in his eyes, and giving him a cracking headache. +Carrie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up, +and he said he could do with a cup of tea, and didn’t want +anything to eat.</p> + +<p>Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, +and said we dined at two; he said he “would be +there.” He never came down till a quarter to +three. I said: “We have not seen much of you, and you +will have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have to +leave in an hour, unless you go by the midnight +mail.” He said: “Look here, Guv’nor, +it’s no use beating about the bush. I’ve +tendered my resignation at the Bank.”</p> + +<p>For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came +again, I said: “How dare you, sir? How dare you take +such a serious step without consulting me? Don’t +answer me, sir!—you will sit down immediately, and write a +note at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amply +apologising for your thoughtlessness.”</p> + +<p>Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: +“It’s no use. If you want the good old truth, +I’ve got the chuck!”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 7.—Mr. Perkupp has +given me leave to postpone my holiday a week, as we could not get +the room. This will give us an opportunity of trying to +find an appointment for Willie before we go. The ambition +of my life would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp’s firm.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 11.—Although it is a +serious matter having our boy Lupin on our hands, still it is +satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the Bank simply +because “he took no interest in his work, and always +arrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late.” We can +all start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light heart. +This will take my mind off the worry of the last few days, which +have been wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager +of the Bank at Oldham.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 13.—Hurrah! at +Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near the station. +On the cliffs they would have been double the price. The +landlady had a nice five o’clock dinner and tea ready, +which we all enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because +there happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wet +in the evening, for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse +for going to bed early. Lupin said he would sit up and read +a bit.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 14.—I was a little +annoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading last night, had gone to +a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly +Rooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances were +unworthy of respectable patronage; but he replied: “Oh, it +was only ‘for one night only.’ I had a fit of +the blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly Presswell, +England’s Particular Spark.” I told him I was +proud to say I had never heard of her. Carrie said: +“Do let the boy alone. He’s quite old enough to +take care of himself, and won’t forget he’s a +gentleman. Remember, you were young once +yourself.” Rained all day hard, but Lupin would go +out.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 15.—Cleared up a bit, +so we all took the train to Margate, and the first person we met +on the jetty was Gowing. I said: “Hulloh! I +thought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham +friends?” He said: “Yes, but young Peter +Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I came down +here. You know the Cummings’ are here +too?” Carrie said: “Oh, that will be +delightful! We must have some evenings together and have +games.”</p> + +<p>I introduced Lupin, saying: “You will be pleased to find +we have our dear boy at home!” Gowing said: +“How’s that? You don’t mean to say +he’s left the Bank?”</p> + +<p>I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of +those awkward questions which Gowing always has a knack of +asking.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 16.—Lupin positively +refused to walk down the Parade with me because I was wearing my +new straw helmet with my frock-coat. I don’t know +what the boy is coming to.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 17.—Lupin not falling +in with our views, Carrie and I went for a sail. It was a +relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me, she +always sides with him. On our return, he said: “Oh, +you’ve been on the ‘Shilling Emetic,’ have +you? You’ll come to six-pennorth on the ‘Liver +Jerker’ next.” I presume he meant a tricycle, +but I affected not to understand him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 18.—Gowing and +Cummings walked over to arrange an evening at Margate. It +being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the hotel +and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in fact +disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hasten back +to Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: +“I’ll give you a game, Gowing—a hundred +up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for +dinner.” I said: “Perhaps Mister Gowing does +not care to play with boys.” Gowing surprised me by +saying: “Oh yes, I do, if they play well,” and they +walked off together.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 19, Sunday.—I was +about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking (which he indulges in +violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walked +out. Carrie then read <i>me</i> a long sermon on the +palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere +child. I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening I +offered him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but, after a few +whiffs, said: “This is a good old tup’ny—try +one of mine,” and he handed me a cigar as long as it was +strong, which is saying a good deal.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 20.—I am glad our last +day at the seaside was fine, though clouded overhead. We +went over to Cummings’ (at Margate) in the evening, and as +it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual, +overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play +“Cutlets,” a game we never heard of. He sat on +a chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap, an invitation which +dear Carrie rightly declined.</p> + +<p>After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing’s knees +and Carrie sat on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge +of Carrie’s lap, then Cummings on Lupin’s, and Mrs. +Cummings on her husband’s. We looked very ridiculous, +and laughed a good deal.</p> + +<p>Gowing then said: “Are you a believer in the Great +Mogul?” We had to answer all together: +“Yes—oh, yes!” (three times). Gowing +said: “So am I,” and suddenly got up. The +result of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the ground, +and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of the +fender. Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this +we missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs, +which cost me seven-and-sixpence.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Home again. Mrs. James’ influence +on Carrie. Can get nothing for Lupin. Next-door +neighbours are a little troublesome. Some one tampers with +my diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us +with an announcement.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 22.—Home sweet Home +again! Carrie bought some pretty blue-wool mats to stand +vases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say they are sorry +they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 23.—I bought a pair of +stags’ heads made of plaster-of-Paris and coloured +brown. They will look just the thing for our little hall, +and give it style; the heads are excellent imitations. +Poolers and Smith are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 24.—Simply to please +Lupin, and make things cheerful for him, as he is a little down, +Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up from Sutton and spend two or +three days with us. We have not said a word to Lupin, but +mean to keep it as a surprise.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 25.—Mrs. James, of +Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringing with her an enormous +bunch of wild flowers. The more I see of Mrs. James the +nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She +went into Carrie’s room to take off her bonnet, and +remained there nearly an hour talking about dress. Lupin +said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs. James’ +<i>visit</i>, but was surprised at <i>her</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 26, Sunday.—Nearly +late for church, Mrs. James having talked considerably about what +to wear all the morning. Lupin does not seem to get on very +well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have some +trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in last +Wednesday. Several of their friends, who drive up in +dog-carts, have already made themselves objectionable.</p> + +<p>An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for +coolness, and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat +pockets (a habit I have), one man, seated in the cart, and +looking like an American, commenced singing some vulgar nonsense +about “<i>I had thirteen dollars in my waistcoat +pocket</i>.” I fancied it was meant for me, and my +suspicions were confirmed; for while walking round the garden in +my tall hat this afternoon, a “throw-down” cracker +was deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a +percussion cap. I turned sharply, and am positive I saw the +man who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroom +windows.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 27.—Carrie and Mrs. +James went off shopping, and had not returned when I came back +from the office. Judging from the subsequent conversation, +I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie’s head with a lot +of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing’s +and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant.</p> + +<p>Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of +the remainder of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I +was to refuse, in case there was not enough to go round), and a +blanc-mange and custards. There was also a decanter of port +and some jam puffs on the sideboard. Mrs. James made us +play rather a good game of cards, called +“Muggings.” To my surprise, in fact disgust, +Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a most sarcastic tone, said: +“Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me, I shall +go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the +back-garden.”</p> + +<p>Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing +(who seems to have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent +games. Lupin said: “Let’s play +‘monkeys.’” He then led Gowing all round +the room, and brought him in front of the looking-glass. I +must confess I laughed heartily at this. I was a little +vexed at everybody subsequently laughing at some joke which they +did not explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered I +must have been walking about all the evening with an antimacassar +on one button of my coat-tails.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 28.—Found a large +brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently come from next +door. Pattles and Pattles can’t find a place for +Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 29.—Mrs. James is +making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie appeared in a new +dress like a smock-frock. She said “smocking” +was all the rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She +also had on a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same +shape. Mrs. James went home, and both Lupin and I were +somewhat pleased—the first time we have agreed on a single +subject since his return. Merkins and Son write they have +no vacancy for Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">October</span> 30.—I should very +much like to know who has wilfully torn the last five or six +weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous! +Mine is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the +record of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record I +take (with much pride) a great deal of pains.</p> + +<p>I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She +replied it was my own fault for leaving the diary about with a +charwoman cleaning and the sweeps in the house. I said that +was not an answer to my question. This retort of mine, +which I thought extremely smart, would have been more effective +had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarily +placed in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it.</p> + +<p>Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one +of a pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our +wedding-day by Mrs. Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie’s +cousins, the Pommertons, late of Dalston. I called to +Sarah, and asked her about the diary. She said she had not +been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs. +Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fire +herself. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I +examined it, and found it was a piece of my diary. So it +was evident some one had torn my diary to light the fire. I +requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">October</span> 31.—Received a letter +from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, saying that he thinks he knows +of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This, in a +measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for I +am bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the +record of disappointing answers received from people to whom I +have applied for appointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell +called, and, in reply to me, said: “She never <i>see</i> no +book, much less take such a liberty as <i>touch</i> +it.”</p> + +<p>I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she +said she would do her best to help me; but she remembered the +sweep lighting the fire with a bit of the <i>Echo</i>. I +requested the sweep to be sent to me to-morrow. I wish +Carrie had not given Lupin a latch-key; we never seem to see +anything of him. I sat up till past one for him, and then +retired tired.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 1.—My entry +yesterday about “retired tired,” which I did not +notice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so +worried just now, I might have had a little joke about it. +The sweep called, but had the audacity to come up to the +hall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot on the door-step. +He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him. He said +Sarah lighted the fire. Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, +for she was dusting the banisters, and she ran down, and flew +into a temper with the sweep, causing a row on the front +door-steps, which I would not have had happen for anything. +I ordered her about her business, and told the sweep I was sorry +to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps were +covered with soot in consequence of his visit. I would +willingly give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 2.—I spent the +evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I never tire. +We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on “Is +Marriage a Failure?” It has been no failure in our +case. In talking over our own happy experiences, we never +noticed that it was past midnight. We were startled by +hearing the door slam violently. Lupin had come in. +He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, or even +to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed, +making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for a +moment, and he begged to be excused, as he was “dead +beat,” an observation that was scarcely consistent with the +fact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards, he was positively +dancing in his room, and shouting out, “See me dance the +polka!” or some such nonsense.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 3.—Good news at +last. Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment for Lupin, and he +is to go and see about it on Monday. Oh, how my mind is +relieved! I went to Lupin’s room to take the good +news to him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep +it over till the evening.</p> + +<p>He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur +Dramatic Club, called the “Holloway Comedians”; and, +though it was a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, and +got neuralgia in the head. He declined to have any +breakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had up a +special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a wonder, we +filled our glasses, and I said: “Lupin my boy, I have some +good and unexpected news for you. Mr. Perkupp has procured +you an appointment!” Lupin said: “Good +biz!” and we drained our glasses.</p> + +<p>Lupin then said: “Fill up the glasses again, for I have +some good and unexpected news for you.”</p> + +<p>I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for +she said: “I hope we shall think it good news.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Oh, it’s all right! +<i>I’m engaged to be married</i>!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. +Lupin’s new berth. Fireworks at the +Cummings’. The “Holloway +Comedians.” Sarah quarrels with the charwoman. +Lupin’s uncalled-for interference. Am introduced to +Daisy Mutlar. We decide to give a party in her honour.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 5, Sunday.—Carrie +and I troubled about that mere boy Lupin getting engaged to be +married without consulting us or anything. After dinner he +told us all about it. He said the lady’s name was +Daisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most +accomplished girl he ever met. He loved her the moment he +saw her, and if he had to wait fifty years he would wait, and he +knew she would wait for him.</p> + +<p>Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a +different world to him now,—it was a world worth living +in. He lived with an object now, and that was to make Daisy +Mutlar—Daisy Pooter, and he would guarantee she would not +disgrace the family of the Pooters. Carrie here burst out +crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and in doing so, upset +the glass of port he held in his hand all over his new light +trousers.</p> + +<p>I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw +her, but Carrie said she loved her already. I thought this +rather premature, but held my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the +sole topic of conversation for the remainder of the day. I +asked Lupin who her people were, and he replied: “Oh, you +know Mutlar, Williams and Watts.” I did not know, but +refrained from asking any further questions at present, for fear +of irritating Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 6.—Lupin went with +me to the office, and had a long conversation with Mr. Perkupp, +our principal, the result of which was that he accepted a +clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock and Share +Brokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising +firm, and he did not think much of it. I replied: +“Beggars should not be choosers;” and I will do Lupin +the justice to say, he looked rather ashamed of himself.</p> + +<p>In the evening we went round to the Cummings’, to have a +few fireworks. It began to rain, and I thought it rather +dull. One of my squibs would not go off, and Gowing said: +“Hit it on your boot, boy; it will go off +then.” I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot, +and it went off with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers +rather badly. I gave the rest of the squibs to the little +Cummings’ boy to let off.</p> + +<p>Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of +abuse on my head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece +on a stake in the ground by way of a grand finale. He made +a great fuss about it; said it cost seven shillings. There +was a little difficulty in getting it alight. At last it +went off; but after a couple of slow revolutions it +stopped. I had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send +it round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to the +grass. Anybody would have thought I had set the house on +fire from the way in which they stormed at me. I will never +join in any more firework parties. It is a ridiculous waste +of time and money.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 7.—Lupin asked +Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie said she thought Mrs. +Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed with Carrie, +and this led to an argument. However, the matter was +settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, +and we must get some more printed, and when they were finished +would be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of +calling.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 8.—I ordered some of +our cards at Black’s, the stationers. I ordered +twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long +time. In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss +Mutlar’s brother. He was rather a gawky youth, and +Lupin said he was the most popular and best amateur in the club, +referring to the “Holloway Comedians.” Lupin +whispered to us that if we could only “draw out” +Harry a bit, he would make us roar with laughter.</p> + +<p>At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He +took up a knife, and with the flat part of it played a tune on +his cheek in a wonderful manner. He also gave an imitation +of an old man with no teeth, smoking a big cigar. The way +he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits.</p> + +<p>In the course of conversation, Daisy’s name cropped up, +and young Mutlar said he would bring his sister round to us one +evening—his parents being rather old-fashioned, and not +going out much. Carrie said we would get up a little +special party. As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go, +and it was approaching eleven o’clock, as a hint I reminded +Lupin that he had to be up early to-morrow. Instead of +taking the hint, Mutlar began a series of comic imitations. +He went on for an hour without cessation. Poor Carrie could +scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an excuse, +and said “Good-night.”</p> + +<p>Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the +hall something about the “Holloway Comedians,” and to +my disgust, although it was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat +and coat, and went out with his new companion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 9.—My endeavours to +discover who tore the sheets out of my diary still +fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we see +little of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal +times. Cummings dropped in.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 10.—Lupin seems to +like his new berth—that’s a comfort. Daisy +Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie +almost as full of it as Lupin. Lupin informs me, to my +disgust, that he has been persuaded to take part in the +forthcoming performance of the “Holloway +Comedians.” He says he is to play Bob Britches in the +farce, <i>Gone to my Uncle’s</i>; Frank Mutlar is going to +play old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly I was not in +the least degree interested in the matter, and totally +disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the +evening.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 11.—Returned home to +find the house in a most disgraceful uproar, Carrie, who appeared +very frightened, was standing outside her bedroom, while Sarah +was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (the charwoman), who +had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of her voice +that she was “no thief, that she was a respectable woman, +who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack +anyone’s face who put lies into her mouth.” +Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hear me come in. +He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in +his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong +language in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to +hear him say: “And all this fuss about the loss of a few +pages from a rotten diary that wouldn’t fetch +three-halfpence a pound!” I said, quietly: +“Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am +master of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the +reins.”</p> + +<p>I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had +accused Mrs. Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap +up some kitchen fat and leavings which she had taken out of the +house last week. Mrs. Birrell had slapped Sarah’s +face, and said she had taken nothing out of the place, as there +was “never no leavings to take.” I ordered +Sarah back to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go +home. When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking his legs +in the air, and roaring with laughter.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 12, Sunday.—Coming +home from church Carrie and I met Lupin, Daisy Mutlar, and her +brother. Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked home +together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We asked them +in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future +daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank. She is a big +young woman, and I should think at least eight years older than +Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Carrie +asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother +to meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be +too pleased.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 13.—Carrie sent out +invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr. and Mrs. James (of +Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr. +Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a +nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? I +said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him. +Carrie said there was “no offence in asking +him.” I said: “Certainly not,” and I +wrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she was a little +disappointed with Daisy Mutlar’s appearance, but thought +she seemed a nice girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 14.—Everybody so far +has accepted for our quite grand little party for +to-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shall +keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could get +away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was +busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and +jellies. She said she felt quite nervous about her +responsibilities to-morrow evening. We decided to have some +light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and +ham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold +beef and a Paysandu tongue—for the more hungry ones to peg +into if they liked.</p> + +<p>Gowing called to know if he was to put on +“swallow-tails” to-morrow. Carrie said he had +better dress, especially as Mr. Franching was coming, and there +was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an +appearance.</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not +worn my dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the +creases pressed out.”</p> + +<p>After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please +Daisy Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in +fact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked our +old friend Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress +like a green-grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be +surprised if Daisy took him for one.</p> + +<p>I fairly lost my temper, and said: “Lupin, allow me to +tell you Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I +gave you credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be +inveigled into an engagement with a woman considerably older than +yourself. I advise you to think of earning your living +before entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have to +support, and, in all probability, her brother also, who appeared +to be nothing but a loafer.”</p> + +<p>Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin +jumped up and said: “If you insult the lady I am engaged +to, you insult me. I will leave the house and never darken +your doors again.”</p> + +<p>He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it +was all right. He came back to supper, and we played +Bézique till nearly twelve o’clock.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Our first important Party. Old Friends +and New Friends. Gowing is a little annoying; but his +friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing. +Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind and +complimentary. Party a great success.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 15.—A red-letter +day. Our first important party since we have been in this +house. I got home early from the City. Lupin insisted +on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of +champagne. I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin +said he had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds out a +private deal in the City. I hope he won’t gamble in +his new situation. The supper-room looked so nice, and +Carrie truly said: “We need not be ashamed of its being +seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he honour us by coming.”</p> + +<p>I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at +eight o’clock, and was much vexed to find my new +dress-trousers much too short.</p> + +<p>Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my +wearing ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.</p> + +<p>I replied satirically: “My dear son, I have lived to be +above that sort of thing.”</p> + +<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man generally was +above his boots.”</p> + +<p>This may be funny, or it may <i>not</i>; but I was gratified +to find he had not discovered the coral had come off one of my +studs. Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore +at the Mansion House. The arrangement of the drawing-room +was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin curtains over the +folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for we had +removed the door from its hinges.</p> + +<p>Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him +strict orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the +previous one was empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and +port wine to be placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with some +glasses. By-the-by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs +look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie has arranged +some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them.</p> + +<p>The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, +greeted me with: “Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too +short!”</p> + +<p>I simply said: “Very likely, and you will find my temper +‘<i>short</i>’ also.”</p> + +<p>He said: “That won’t make your trousers longer, +Juggins. You should get your missus to put a flounce on +them.”</p> + +<p>I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations +in my diary.</p> + +<p>The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former +said: “As you didn’t say anything about dress, I have +come ‘half dress.’” He had on a black +frock-coat and white tie. The James’, Mr. Merton, and +Mr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable +till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived.</p> + +<p>Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’s +appearance. She had a bright-crimson dress on, cut very low +in the neck. I do not think such a style modest. She +ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered her +shoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg +and his four daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two of +Lupin’s new friends, members of the “Holloway +Comedians.” Some of these seemed rather theatrical in +their manner, especially one, who was posing all the evening, and +leant on our little round table and cracked it. Lupin +called him “our Henry,” and said he was “our +lead at the H.C.’s,” and was quite as good in that +department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant. +All this is Greek to me.</p> + +<p>We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy’s +side for a moment, raved over her singing of a song, called +“Some Day.” It seemed a pretty song, but she +made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so out of tune, I would +not have asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her sing four +songs right off, one after the other.</p> + +<p>At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and from the way +Gowing and Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a +meal for a month. I told Carrie to keep something back in +case Mr. Perkupp should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyed +me very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne, and +drinking it straight off. He repeated this action, and made +me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out. I +tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it, and took +it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar.</p> + +<p>We went upstairs, and the young fellows began +skylarking. Carrie put a stop to that at once. +Stillbrook amused us with a song, “What have you done with +your Cousin John?” I did not notice that Lupin and +Frank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of the +Holloways, where they were, and he said: “It’s a case +of ‘Oh, what a surprise!’”</p> + +<p>We were directed to form a circle—which we did. +Watson then said: “I have much pleasure in introducing the +celebrated Blondin Donkey.” Frank and Lupin then +bounded into the room. Lupin had whitened his face like a +clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large +hearthrug. He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked +it. They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we were +all shrieking with laughter.</p> + +<p>I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perkupp standing +half-way in the door, he having arrived without our knowing +it. I beckoned to Carrie, and we went up to him at +once. He would not come right into the room. I +apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh, it +seems amusing.” I could see he was not a bit +amused.</p> + +<p>Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a +wreck. There was not a glass of champagne left—not +even a sandwich. Mr. Perkupp said he required nothing, but +would like a glass of seltzer or soda water. The last +syphon was empty. Carrie said: “We have plenty of +port wine left.” Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile: +“No, thank you. I really require nothing, but I am +most pleased to see you and your husband in your own home. +Good-night, Mrs. Pooter—you will excuse my very short stay, +I know.” I went with him to his carriage, and he +said: “Don’t trouble to come to the office till +twelve to-morrow.”</p> + +<p>I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told +Carrie I thought the party was a failure. Carrie said it +was a great success, and I was only tired, and insisted on my +having some port myself. I drank two glasses, and felt much +better, and we went into the drawing-room, where they had +commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which I +said reminded me of old days. She said I was a spooney old +thing.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER X</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Reflections. I make another Good +Joke. Am annoyed at the constant serving-up of the +“Blanc-Mange.” Lupin expresses his opinion of +Weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 16.—Woke about +twenty times during the night, with terrible thirst. +Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well as half that in +the jug. Kept dreaming also, that last night’s party +was a failure, and that a lot of low people came without +invitation, and kept chaffing and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp, +till at last I was obliged to hide him in the box-room (which we +had just discovered), with a bath-towel over him. It seems +absurd now, but it was painfully real in the dream. I had +the same dream about a dozen times.</p> + +<p>Carrie annoyed me by saying: “You know champagne never +agrees with you.” I told her I had only a couple of +glasses of it, having kept myself entirely to port. I added +that good champagne hurt nobody, and Lupin told me he had only +got it from a traveller as a favour, as that particular brand had +been entirely bought up by a West-End club.</p> + +<p>I think I ate too heartily of the “side dishes,” +as the waiter called them. I said to Carrie: “I wish +I had put those ‘side dishes’ +<i>aside</i>.” I repeated this, but Carrie was busy, +packing up the teaspoons we had borrowed of Mrs. Cummings for the +party. It was just half-past eleven, and I was starting for +the office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow complexion, and +said: “Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you this +morning?” I told him he might just as well speak to +me in Dutch. He added: “When I woke this morning, my +head was as big as Baldwin’s balloon.” On the +spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I have ever +said; viz.: “Perhaps that accounts for the +para<i>shooting</i> pains.” We roared.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 17.—Still feel tired +and headachy! In the evening Gowing called, and was full of +praise about our party last Wednesday. He said everything +was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. +Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never +know how long it will last. For instance, he stopped to +supper, and seeing some <i>blanc-mange</i> on the table, shouted +out, while the servant was in the room: “Hulloh! The +remains of Wednesday?”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 18.—Woke up quite +fresh after a good night’s rest, and feel quite myself +again. I am satisfied a life of going-out and Society is +not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation which we +received this morning to Miss Bird’s wedding. We only +met her twice at Mrs. James’, and it means a present. +Lupin said: “I am with you for once. To my mind a +wedding’s a very poor play. There are only two parts +in it—the bride and bridegroom. The best man is only +a walking gentleman. With the exception of a crying father +and a snivelling mother, the rest are <i>supers</i> who have to +dress well and have to <i>pay</i> for their insignificant parts +in the shape of costly presents.” I did not care for +the theatrical slang, but thought it clever, though +disrespectful.</p> + +<p>I told Sarah not to bring up the <i>blanc-mange</i> again for +breakfast. It seems to have been placed on our table at +every meal since Wednesday. Cummings came round in the +evening, and congratulated us on the success of our party. +He said it was the best party he had been to for many a year; but +he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as he would have +turned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet game +of dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lupin +and Frank Mutlar. Cummings and I asked them to join +us. Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and suggested +a game of “Spoof.” On my asking if it required +counters, Frank and Lupin in measured time said: “One, two, +three; go! Have you an estate in Greenland?” It +was simply Greek to me, but it appears it is one of the customs +of the “Holloway Comedians” to do this when a member +displays ignorance.</p> + +<p>In spite of my instructions, that <i>blanc-mange</i> was +brought up again for supper. To make matters worse, there +had been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish +with jam round it. Carrie asked Lupin if he would have +some, and he replied: “No second-hand goods for me, thank +you.” I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that +<i>blanc-mange</i> were placed on the table again I should walk +out of the house.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 19, Sunday.—A +delightfully quiet day. In the afternoon Lupin was off to +spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. He departed in +the best of spirits, and Carrie said: “Well, one advantage +of Lupin’s engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems +happy all day long. That quite reconciles me to what I must +confess seems an imprudent engagement.”</p> + +<p>Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and +agreed that it did not always follow that an early engagement +meant an unhappy marriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that we +married early, and, with the exception of a few trivial +misunderstandings, we had never had a really serious word. +I could not help thinking (as I told her) that half the pleasures +of life were derived from the little struggles and small +privations that one had to endure at the beginning of one’s +married life. Such struggles were generally occasioned by +want of means, and often helped to make loving couples stand +together all the firmer.</p> + +<p>Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that +I was quite a philosopher.</p> + +<p>We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered +by Carrie’s little compliment. I don’t pretend +to be able to express myself in fine language, but I feel I have +the power of expressing my thoughts with simplicity and +lucidness. About nine o’clock, to our surprise, Lupin +entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which +I must say seemed rather theatrical, said: “Have you any +brandy?” I said: “No; but here is some +whisky.” Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful +without water, to my horror.</p> + +<p>We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and +I rose to go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin: “I hope +Daisy is well?”</p> + +<p>Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up +from the “Holloway Comedians,” replied: “Oh, +Daisy? You mean Miss Mutlar. I don’t know +whether she is well or not, but please <i>never to mention her +name again in my presence</i>.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">We have a dose of Irving imitations. +Make the acquaintance of a Mr. Padge. Don’t care for +him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 20.—Have seen +nothing of Lupin the whole day. Bought a cheap +address-book. I spent the evening copying in the names and +addresses of my friends and acquaintances. Left out the +Mutlars of course.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 21.—Lupin turned up +for a few minutes in the evening. He asked for a drop of +brandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mind was +theatrical and quite ineffective. I said: “My boy, I +have none, and I don’t think I should give it you if I +had.” Lupin said: “I’ll go where I can +get some,” and walked out of the house. Carrie took +the boy’s part, and the rest of the evening was spent in a +disagreeable discussion, in which the words “Daisy” +and “Mutlar” must have occurred a thousand times.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 22.—Gowing and +Cummings dropped in during the evening. Lupin also came in, +bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton—one of the +“Holloway Comedians”—who was at our party the +other night, and who cracked our little round table. Happy +to say Daisy Mutlar was never referred to. The conversation +was almost entirely monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton, +who not only looked rather like Mr. Irving, but seemed to imagine +that he <i>was</i> the celebrated actor. I must say he gave +some capital imitations of him. As he showed no signs of +moving at supper time, I said: “If you like to stay, Mr. +Fosselton, for our usual crust—pray do.” He +replied: “Oh! thanks; but please call me +Burwin-Fosselton. It is a double name. There are lots +of Fosseltons, but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.”</p> + +<p>He began doing the Irving business all through supper. +He sank so low down in his chair that his chin was almost on a +level with the table, and twice he kicked Carrie under the table, +upset his wine, and flashed a knife uncomfortably near +Gowing’s face. After supper he kept stretching out +his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from +plays which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over the +fire-irons, making a hideous row—poor Carrie already having +a bad headache.</p> + +<p>When he went, he said, to our surprise: “I will come +to-morrow and bring my Irving make-up.” Gowing and +Cummings said they would like to see it and would come too. +I could not help thinking they might as well give a party at my +house while they are about it. However, as Carrie sensibly +said: “Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy +Mutlar business.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 23.—In the evening, +Cummings came early. Gowing came a little later and +brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I think, very +vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all +moustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to either of +us, but said Padge wanted to see the Irving business, to which +Padge said: “That’s right,” and that is about +all he <i>did</i> say during the entire evening. Lupin came +in and seemed in much better spirits. He had prepared a bit +of a surprise. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him, +but had gone upstairs to get ready. In half-an-hour Lupin +retired from the parlour, and returning in a few minutes, +announced “Mr. Henry Irving.”</p> + +<p>I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a +resemblance. It was astonishing. The only person who +did not appear interested was the man Padge, who had got the best +arm-chair, and was puffing away at a foul pipe into the +fireplace. After some little time I said; “Why do +actors always wear their hair so long?” Carrie in a +moment said, “Mr. Hare doesn’t wear long +<i>hair</i>.” How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton, +who said, in a rather patronising kind of way, “The joke, +Mrs. Pooter, is extremely appropriate, if not altogether +new.” Thinking this rather a snub, I said: “Mr. +Fosselton, I fancy—” He interrupted me by +saying: “Mr. <i>Burwin</i>-Fosselton, if you please,” +which made me quite forget what I was going to say to him. +During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again monopolised the +conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I came to +the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of +Irving. After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too +boisterous over his Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing +by the collar of his coat, dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of +course, into Gowing’s neck and took a piece of flesh +out. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who +having declined our modest supper in order that he should not +lose his comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of +laughter at the little misadventure. I was so annoyed at +the conduct of Padge, I said: “I suppose you would have +laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing’s eye out?” to +which Padge replied: “That’s right,” and +laughed more than ever. I think perhaps the greatest +surprise was when we broke up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said: +“Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I’m glad you like the +imitation, I’ll bring <i>the other make-up to-morrow +night</i>.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 24.—I went to town +without a pocket-handkerchief. This is the second time I +have done this during the last week. I must be losing my +memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I +would have written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him I should +be out this evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man who +would come all the same.</p> + +<p>Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a +little note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, +which rather amused me. He added that his neck was still +painful. Of course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never +turned up, and imagine my utter disgust when that man Padge +actually came again, and not even accompanied by Gowing. I +was exasperated, and said: “Mr. Padge, this is a +<i>surprise</i>.” Dear Carrie, fearing +unpleasantness, said: “Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge has only +come to see the other Irving make-up.” Mr. Padge +said: “That’s right,” and took the best chair +again, from which he never moved the whole evening.</p> + +<p>My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an +expensive guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the +matter. The Irving imitations and conversations occupied +the whole evening, till I was sick of it. Once we had a +rather heated discussion, which was commenced by Cummings saying +that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not only +<i>like</i> Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as +<i>good</i> or even <i>better</i>. I ventured to remark +that after all it was but an imitation of an original.</p> + +<p>Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the +originals. I made what I considered a very clever remark: +“Without an original there can be no +imitation.” Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quite +impertinently: “Don’t discuss me in my presence, if +you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I should advise you to talk about +what you understand;” to which that cad Padge replied: +“That’s right.” Dear Carrie saved the +whole thing by suddenly saying: “I’ll be Ellen +Terry.” Dear Carrie’s imitation wasn’t a +bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the +disagreeable discussion passed off. When they left, I very +pointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we +should be engaged to-morrow evening.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 25.—Had a long +letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting last night’s Irving +discussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knew +little or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least +interested in them and positively declined to be drawn into a +discussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading to a +breach of friendship. I never wrote a more determined +letter.</p> + +<p>On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I +met near the Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a +leap. I bowed rather stiffly, but she affected not to have +seen me. Very much annoyed in the evening by the laundress +sending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs, +and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were +sent. I spoke to Carrie about it, but she rather testily +replied: “I am tired of speaking to her; you had better go +and speak to her yourself. She is outside.” I +did so, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was +sent.</p> + +<p>Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude +enough to listen to the conversation, and interrupting, said: +“Don’t waste the odd sock, old man; do an act of +charity and give it to some poor man with only one +leg.” The laundress giggled like an idiot. I +was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose of pinning down +my collar, as the button had come off the back of my shirt.</p> + +<p>When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his +idiotic joke about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with +laughter. I suppose I am losing my sense of humour. I +spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge. Gowing said he had +met him only once before that evening. He had been +introduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) had “stood” +a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some little +return. Upon my word, Gowing’s coolness surpasses all +belief. Lupin came in before I could reply, and Gowing +unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupin shouted: +“Mind your own business, sir!” and bounced out of the +room, slamming the door. The remainder of the night was +Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar. Oh +dear!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 26, Sunday.—The +curate preached a very good sermon to-day—very good +indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as our dear +old vicar’s, but I am bound to say his sermons are much +more impressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, of +which I must make mention. Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite a +grand lady, living in one of those large houses in the Camden +Road, stopped to speak to me after church, when we were all +coming out. I must say I felt flattered, for she is thought +a good deal of. I suppose she knew me through seeing me so +often take round the plate, especially as she always occupies the +corner seat of the pew. She is a very influential lady, and +may have had something of the utmost importance to say, but +unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a strong gust of wind +came and blew my hat off into the middle of the road.</p> + +<p>I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in +recovering it. When I had succeeded in doing so, I found +Mrs. Fernlosse had walked on with some swell friends, and I felt +I could not well approach her now, especially as my hat was +smothered with mud. I cannot say how disappointed I +felt.</p> + +<p>In the evening (<i>Sunday</i> evening of all others) I found +an impertinent note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as +follows:</p> +<blockquote><p>“<span class="smcap">Dear Mr. +Pooter</span>,—Although your junior by perhaps some twenty +or thirty years—which is sufficient reason that you ought +to have a longer record of the things and ways in this miniature +of a planet—I feel it is just within the bounds of +possibility that the wheels of your life don’t travel so +quickly round as those of the humble writer of these lines. +The dandy horse of past days has been known to overtake the +<i>slow coach</i>.</p> + +<p>“Do I make myself understood?</p> + +<p>“Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise +you to accept the <i>verb. sap</i>. Acknowledge your +defeat, and take your whipping gracefully; for remember you threw +down the glove, and I cannot claim to be either mentally or +physically a <i>coward</i>!</p> + +<p>“<i>Revenons à nos moutons</i>.</p> + +<p>“Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY +ART—THE STAGE. Your life is devoted to commercial +pursuits—‘A life among Ledgers.’ My books +are of different metal. Your life in the City is +honourable, I admit. <i>But how different</i>! Cannot +even you see the ocean between us? A channel that prevents +the meeting of our brains in harmonious accord. Ah! +But <i>chaçun à son goût</i>.</p> + +<p>“I have registered a vow to mount the steps of +fame. I may crawl, I may slip, I may even falter (we are +all weak), but <i>reach the top rung of the ladder I +will</i>!!! When there, my voice shall be heard, for I will +shout to the multitudes below: ‘<i>Vici</i>!’ +For the present I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, +forsooth, save to a party of friends, with here and there an +enemy.</p> + +<p>“But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, ‘What is the +difference between the amateur and the professional?’</p> + +<p>“None!!!</p> + +<p>“Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is +<i>paid</i> for doing what the other does as skilfully for +<i>nothing</i>!</p> + +<p>“But I will be <i>paid</i>, too! For <i>I</i>, +contrary to the wishes of my family and friends, have at last +elected to adopt the stage as <i>my</i> profession. And +when the <i>farce</i> craze is over—and, <i>mark you</i>, +<i>that will be soon</i>—I will make my power known; for I +feel—pardon my apparent conceit—that there is no +living man who can play the hump-backed Richard as I <i>feel</i> +and <i>know</i> I can.</p> + +<p>“And <i>you</i> will be the first to come round and bend +your head in submission. There are many matters you may +understand, but knowledge of the fine art of acting is to you an +<i>unknown quantity</i>.</p> + +<p>“Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. +<i>Vale</i>!</p> + +<p style="text-align: right">Yours truly,<br /> +“<span class="smcap">Burwin-Fosselton</span>.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this +impertinent letter, and said: “My boy, in that letter you +can see the true character of your friend.”</p> + +<p>Lupin, to my surprise, said: “Oh yes. He showed me +the letter before he sent it. I think he is right, and you +ought to apologise.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">A serious discussion concerning the use and +value of my diary. Lupin’s opinion of +’Xmas. Lupin’s unfortunate engagement is on +again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 17.—As I open my +scribbling diary I find the words “Oxford Michaelmas Term +ends.” Why this should induce me to indulge in +retrospective I don’t know, but it does. The last few +weeks of my diary are of minimum interest. The breaking off +of the engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a +different being, and Carrie a rather depressing companion. +She was a little dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer her +up by reading some extracts from my diary; but she walked out of +the room in the middle of the reading, without a word. On +her return, I said: “Did my diary bore you, +darling?”</p> + +<p>She replied, to my surprise: “I really wasn’t +listening, dear. I was obliged to leave to give +instructions to the laundress. In consequence of some stuff +she puts in the water, two more of Lupin’s coloured shirts +have run and he says he won’t wear them.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Everything is Lupin. It’s all +Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. There was not a single button on my +shirt yesterday, but <i>I</i> made no complaint.”</p> + +<p>Carrie simply replied: “You should do as all other men +do, and wear studs. In fact, I never saw anyone but you +wear buttons on the shirt-fronts.”</p> + +<p>I said: “I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were +none on.”</p> + +<p>Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in +the evening, and Cummings never does. I fear they +don’t get on well with Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 18.—Yesterday I was +in a retrospective vein—to-day it is +<i>prospective</i>. I see nothing but clouds, clouds, +clouds. Lupin is perfectly intolerable over the Daisy +Mutlar business. He won’t say what is the cause of +the breach. He is evidently condemning her conduct, and +yet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won’t hear a +word against her. So what is one to do? Another thing +which is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin take no +interest whatever in my diary.</p> + +<p>I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day. I +said: “I was in hopes that, if anything ever happened to +me, the diary would be an endless source of pleasure to you both; +to say nothing of the chance of the remuneration which may accrue +from its being published.”</p> + +<p>Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie was +sorry for this, I could see, for she said: “I did not mean +to be rude, dear Charlie; but truly I do not think your diary +would sufficiently interest the public to be taken up by a +publisher.”</p> + +<p>I replied: “I am sure it would prove quite as +interesting as some of the ridiculous reminiscences that have +been published lately. Besides, it’s the diary that +makes the man. Where would Evelyn and Pepys have been if it +had not been for their diaries?”</p> + +<p>Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering +tone, said: “If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., +we might get a fair price from a butterman for it.”</p> + +<p>As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year +will see the end of my diary.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 19.—The annual +invitation came to spend Christmas with Carrie’s +mother—the usual family festive gathering to which we +always look forward. Lupin declined to go. I was +astounded, and expressed my surprise and disgust. Lupin +then obliged us with the following Radical speech: “I hate +a family gathering at Christmas. What does it mean? +Why someone says: ‘Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who was +here last year,’ and we all begin to snivel. Someone +else says: ‘It’s two years since poor Aunt Liz used +to sit in that corner.’ Then we all begin to snivel +again. Then another gloomy relation says ‘Ah! I +wonder whose turn it will be next?’ Then we all +snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much; and they +don’t discover until <i>I</i> get up that we have been +seated thirteen at dinner.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 20.—Went to +Smirksons’, the drapers, in the Strand, who this year have +turned out everything in the shop and devoted the whole place to +the sale of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with people, who +seemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a hurried +glance at them, throw them down again. I remarked to one of +the young persons serving, that carelessness appeared to be a +disease with some purchasers. The observation was scarcely +out of my mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a large +pile of expensive cards in boxes one on top of the other, and +threw them down. The manager came forward, looking very +much annoyed, and picking up several cards from the ground, said +to one of the assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me: +“Put these amongst the sixpenny goods; they can’t be +sold for a shilling now.” The result was, I felt it +my duty to buy some of these damaged cards.</p> + +<p>I had to buy more and pay more than intended. +Unfortunately I did not examine them all, and when I got home I +discovered a vulgar card with a picture of a fat nurse with two +babies, one black and the other white, and the words: “We +wish Pa a Merry Christmas.” I tore up the card and +threw it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage of going +out in Society and increasing the number of our friends was, that +we should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this year.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 21.—To save the +postman a miserable Christmas, we follow the example of all +unselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most of the +cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. I +shall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, ever +since he has had the appointment with a stock and share broker, +does not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings) told me never to +rub out the pencilled price on the backs of the cards. I +asked him why. Lupin said: “Suppose your card is +marked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a +3—and a long down-stroke after it—in <i>front</i> of +the ninepence, and people will think you have given five times +the price for it.”</p> + +<p>In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him +that behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said: +“Ugh! it never shines on me.” I said: +“Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about Daisy +Mutlar. Don’t think of her any more. You ought +to congratulate yourself on having got off a very bad +bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our simple +tastes.” He jumped up and said: “I won’t +allow one word to be uttered against her. She’s worth +the whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated, +sloping-head of a Perkupp included.” I left the room +with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 23.—I exchanged no +words with Lupin in the morning; but as he seemed to be in +exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured to ask him where he +intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: “Oh, +most likely at the Mutlars’.”</p> + +<p>In wonderment, I said: “What! after your engagement has +been broken off?”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Who said it is off?”</p> + +<p>I said: “You have given us both to +understand—”</p> + +<p>He interrupted me by saying: “Well, never mind what I +said. <i>It is on again—there</i>!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">I receive an insulting Christmas card. +We spend a pleasant Christmas at Carrie’s +mother’s. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. A +boisterous evening, during which I am struck in the dark. I +receive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior, +respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old Year.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 24.—I am a poor man, +but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the +insulting Christmas card I received this morning. I never +insult people; why should they insult me? The worst part of +the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all my +friends. The handwriting on the envelope is evidently +disguised, being written sloping the wrong way. I cannot +think either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing. +Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; although I +disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the +offender. Mr. Franching would be above such an act; and I +don’t think any of the Mutlars would descend to such a +course. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk at the +office, did it? Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, or +Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the +former.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Christmas Day</span>.—We caught the +10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a pleasant day at +Carrie’s mother’s. The country was quite nice +and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in +the middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old +times. If everybody had a nice, <i>un</i>interfering +mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness there +would be in the world. Being all in good spirits, I +proposed her health, and I made, I think, a very good speech.</p> + +<p>I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: “On an occasion +like this—whether relatives, friends, or +acquaintances,—we are all inspired with good feelings +towards each other. We are of one mind, and think only of +love and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absent +friends should kiss and make it up. Those who happily have +not fallen out, can kiss all the same.”</p> + +<p>I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and +must say I felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear +old Reverend John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a most +cheerful and amusing speech, and said he should act on my +suggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked round the +table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Of +course one did not object to this; but I was more than staggered +when a young fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and who +had scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly +with a sprig of misletoe, and exclaimed: “Hulloh! I +don’t see why I shouldn’t be on in this +scene.” Before one could realise what he was about to +do, he kissed Carrie and the rest of the ladies.</p> + +<p>Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all +laughed; but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very +uneasy for a moment as to the result. I subsequently +referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: “Oh, +he’s not much more than a boy.” I said that he +had a very large moustache for a boy. Carrie replied: +“I didn’t say he was not a nice boy.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 26.—I did not sleep +very well last night; I never do in a strange bed. I feel a +little indigestion, which one must expect at this time of the +year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening. +Lupin came in late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, and +added: “I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only +require a little more ‘oof’ to feel as fit as a +£500 Stradivarius.” I have long since given up +trying to understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him to +explain it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 27.—I told Lupin I +was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in to-morrow evening +for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would volunteer to +stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, he said: +“Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and +Frank Mutlar to come.” I said I could not think of +doing such a thing. Lupin said: “Then I will send a +wire, and put off Daisy.” I suggested that a +post-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would +not be so extravagant.</p> + +<p>Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with +apparent annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. +She said: “Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting your +father’s friends? Is it because they are not good +enough for her, or (which is equally possible) <i>she</i> is not +good enough for them?” Lupin was dumbfounded, and +could make no reply. When he left the room, I gave Carrie a +kiss of approval.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 28—Lupin, on coming +down to breakfast, said to his mother: “I have not put off +Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and Cummings +this evening.” I felt very pleased with the boy for +this. Carrie said, in reply: “I am glad you let me +know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, dress it +with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been +cut.” She further said she would make a few custards, +and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by the +evening.</p> + +<p>Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he +really had any personal objection to either Gowing or +Cummings. He replied: “Not in the least. I +think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to his +patronising ‘the three-and-six-one-price hat +company,’ and wearing a reach-me-down frock-coat. As +for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of +Gowing’s—why, he resembles an itinerant +photographer.”</p> + +<p>I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon +Lupin, with a laugh, replied: “No, and it wasn’t much +of a gentleman who made their coats.”</p> + +<p>We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very +agreeable, especially in the earlier part of the evening, when +she sang. At supper, however, she said: “Can you make +tee-to-tums with bread?” and she commenced rolling up +pieces of bread, and twisting them round on the table. I +felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing. +Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing +bread-pills at each other. Frank followed suit, and so did +Cummings and Gowing, to my astonishment. They then +commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece catching me on +the forehead, and making me blink. I said: “Steady, +please; steady!” Frank jumped up and said: +“Tum, tum; then the band played.”</p> + +<p>I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and +continued the bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the +parsley off the cold mutton, and threw it full in my face. +I looked daggers at Gowing, who replied: “I say, it’s +no good trying to look indignant, with your hair full of +parsley.” I rose from the table, and insisted that a +stop should be put to this foolery at once. Frank Mutlar +shouted: “Time, gentlemen, please! time!” and turned +out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.</p> + +<p>I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received +a hard intentional punch at the back of my head. I said +loudly: “Who did that?” There was no answer; so +I repeated the question, with the same result. I struck a +match, and lighted the gas. They were all talking and +laughing, so I kept my own counsel; but, after they had gone, I +said to Carrie; “The person who sent me that insulting +post-card at Christmas was here to-night.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 29.—I had a most +vivid dream last night. I woke up, and on falling asleep, +dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt I +heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent +me the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one +who punched my head last night in the dark. As fate would +have it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a letter +he had just received from Frank.</p> + +<p>I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the +writing. He did so, and I examined it by the side of the +envelope containing the Christmas card. I detected a +similarity in the writing, in spite of the attempted +disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who began to +laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she said +the card was never directed to me at all. It was “L. +Pooter,” not “C. Pooter.” Lupin asked to +look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh: +“Oh yes, Guv., it’s meant for me.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Are you in the habit of receiving insulting +Christmas cards?” He replied: “Oh yes, and of +<i>sending</i> them, too.”</p> + +<p>In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very +much last night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, +as an old friend, about the vicious punch last night. He +burst out laughing, and said: “Oh, it was <i>your head</i>, +was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I thought +it was a brick wall.” I told him I felt hurt, in both +senses of the expression.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 30, Sunday.—Lupin +spent the whole day with the Mutlars. He seemed rather +cheerful in the evening, so I said: “I’m glad to see +you so happy, Lupin.” He answered: “Well, Daisy +is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of a +father down a peg. What with his meanness over his cigars, +his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning +down the gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to +one on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the +last cake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each +side of the fireplace, and his general +‘outside-halfpenny-‘bus-ness,’ I was compelled +to let him have a bit of my mind.” I said: +“Lupin, you are not much more than a boy; I hope you +won’t repent it.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 31.—The last day of +the Old Year. I received an extraordinary letter from Mr. +Mutlar, senior. He writes: “Dear Sir,—For a +long time past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the +important question, ‘Who is the master of my own +house? Myself, or <i>your son</i> Lupin?’ +Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I have +been most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect +that I am the master of it. Under the circumstances, it has +become my duty to forbid your son to enter my house again. +I am sorry, because it deprives me of the society of one of the +most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly persons I have ever had +the honour of being acquainted with.”</p> + +<p>I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I +said nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.</p> + +<p>A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but +promised to be back to drink out the Old Year—a custom we +have always observed. At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not +returned, and the fog was fearful. As time was drawing +close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I deciding on +whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt like +brandy. As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing +to discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had not come +in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to have a small +wager with her to decide by the smell. I said I could +decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary +argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it was +a quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married +life, we missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home +at a quarter-past two, having got lost in the fog—so he +said.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at +the office. I make two good jokes. I get an enormous +rise in my salary. Lupin speculates successfully and starts +a pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah. Extraordinary +conduct of Gowing’s.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 1.—I had intended +concluding my diary last week; but a most important event has +happened, so I shall continue for a little while longer on the +fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year’s +diary. It had just struck half-past one, and I was on the +point of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received a +message that Mr. Perkupp desired to see me at once. I must +confess that my heart commenced to beat and I had most serious +misgivings.</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: “Take +a seat, Mr. Pooter, I shall not be a moment.”</p> + +<p>I replied: “No, thank you, sir; I’ll +stand.”</p> + +<p>I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting +quite twenty minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp at +last got up himself.</p> + +<p>I said: “I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?”</p> + +<p>He replied: “Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I +hope.” What a weight off my mind! My breath +seemed to come back again in an instant.</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and +there will be some slight changes in the office. You have +been with us nearly twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your +conduct during that period, we intend making a special promotion +in your favour. We have not quite decided how you will be +placed; but in any case there will be a considerable increase in +your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for me to say, you +fully deserve. I have an appointment at two; but you shall +hear more to-morrow.”</p> + +<p>He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time +or thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to +him. I need not say how dear Carrie received this joyful +news. With perfect simplicity she said: “At last we +shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back drawing-room, +which we always wanted.” I added: “Yes, and at +last you shall have that little costume which you saw at Peter +Robinson’s so cheap.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 2.—I was in a great +state of suspense all day at the office. I did not like to +worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, and mentioned +yesterday that he would see me again to-day, I thought it better, +perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, and on +entering, Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh! it’s you, Mr. +Pooter; do you want to see me?” I said: “No, +sir, I thought you wanted to see me!” +“Oh!” he replied, “I remember. Well, I am +very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 3.—Still in a state +of anxiety and excitement, which was not alleviated by +ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be at the +office to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily +engaged with a paper, said suddenly to me: “Do you know +anything about <i>chalk pits</i>, Guv.?” I said: +“No, my boy, not that I’m aware of.” +Lupin said: “Well, I give you the tip; <i>chalk pits</i> +are as safe as Consols, and pay six per cent. at +par.” I said a rather neat thing, viz.: “They +may be six per cent. at <i>par</i>, but your <i>pa</i> has no +money to invest.” Carrie and I both roared with +laughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the +joke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued: +“I give you the tip, that’s all—<i>chalk +pits</i>!” I said another funny thing: “Mind +you don’t fall into them!” Lupin put on a +supercilious smile, and said: “Bravo! Joe +Miller.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 4.—Mr. Perkupp sent +for me and told me that my position would be that of one of the +senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr. Perkupp +added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary would +be. This means another day’s anxiety; I don’t +mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort. That reminded me +that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I +received from Mr. Mutlar, senr. I broached the subject to +Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupin +was riveted to the <i>Financial News</i>, as if he had been a +born capitalist, and I said: “Pardon me a moment, Lupin, +how is it you have not been to the Mutlars’ any day this +week?”</p> + +<p>Lupin answered: “I told you! I cannot stand old +Mutlar.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly +that he cannot stand you!”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Well, I like his cheek in writing to +<i>you</i>. I’ll find out if his father is still +alive, and I will write <i>him</i> a note complaining of +<i>his</i> son, and I’ll state pretty clearly that his son +is a blithering idiot!”</p> + +<p>I said: “Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the +presence of your mother.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “I’m very sorry, but there is no other +expression one can apply to him. However, I’m +determined not to enter his place again.”</p> + +<p>I said: “You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the +house.”</p> + +<p>Lupin replied: “Well, we won’t split +straws—it’s all the same. Daisy is a trump, and +will wait for me ten years, if necessary.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 5.—I can scarcely +write the news. Mr. Perkupp told me my salary would be +raised £100! I stood gaping for a moment unable to +realise it. I annually get £10 rise, and I thought it +might be £15 or even £20; but £100 surpasses +all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good +fortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good +spirits. I sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’s +for a bottle of champagne, the same as we had before, +“Jackson Frères.” It was opened at +supper, and I said to Lupin: “This is to celebrate some +good news I have received to-day.” Lupin replied: +“Hooray, Guv.! And I have some good news, also; a +double event, eh?” I said: “My boy, as a result +of twenty-one years’ industry and strict attention to the +interests of my superiors in office, I have been rewarded with +promotion and a rise in salary of £100.”</p> + +<p>Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, +which brought in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin +ordered us to “fill up” again, and addressing us +upstanding, said: “Having been in the firm of Job +Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not having +paid particular attention to the interests of my superiors in +office, my Guv’nor, as a reward to me, allotted me £5 +worth of shares in a really good thing. The result is, +to-day I have made £200.” I said: “Lupin, +you are joking.” “No, Guv., it’s the good +old truth; Job Cleanands <i>put me on to +Chlorates</i>.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 21.—I am very much +concerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap. I said: +“Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous +extravagance?” Lupin replied: “Well, one must +get to the City somehow. I’ve only hired it, and can +give it up any time I like.” I repeated my question: +“Are you justified in this extravagance?” He +replied: “Look here, Guv., excuse me saying so, but +you’re a bit out of date. It does not pay nowadays, +fiddling about over small things. I don’t mean +anything personal, Guv’nor. My boss says if I take +his tip, and stick to big things, I can make big +money!” I said I thought the very idea of speculation +most horrifying. Lupin said “It is not speculation, +it’s a dead cert.” I advised him, at all +events, not to continue the pony and cart; but he replied: +“I made £200 in one day; now suppose I only make +£200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, which is +ridiculously low—why, that is £1,250 a year. +What’s a few pounds a week for a trap?”</p> + +<p>I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I +should feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age +and responsible for his own debts. He answered: “My +dear Guv., I promise you faithfully that I will never speculate +with what I have not got. I shall only go on Job +Cleanands’ tips, and as he is in the ‘know’ it +is pretty safe sailing.” I felt somewhat +relieved. Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise, +informed me that, as he had made £10 by one of +Lupin’s tips, he intended asking us and the Cummings round +next Saturday. Carrie and I said we should be +delighted.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 22.—I don’t +generally lose my temper with servants; but I had to speak to +Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recently +contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the +breakfast things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall +on the carpet, eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answered +very rudely: “Oh, you are always complaining.” +I replied: “Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you last +week about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece +of yellow soap on the heel of your boot.” She said: +“And you’re always grumbling about your +breakfast.” I said: “No, I am not; but I feel +perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a +hard-boiled egg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts all +over the plate, and I have spoken to you at least fifty times +about it.” She began to cry and make a scene; but +fortunately my ’bus came by, so I had a good excuse for +leaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that we +were not to forget next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said: +“As he has never asked any friends before, we are not +likely to forget it.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 23.—I asked Lupin to +try and change the hard brushes, he recently made me a present +of, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser tells me I ought not +to brush my hair too much just now.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 24.—The new +chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. Carrie +arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each +side. It is an immense improvement to the room.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 25.—We had just +finished our tea, when who should come in but Cummings, who has +not been here for over three weeks. I noticed that he +looked anything but well, so I said: “Well, Cummings, how +are you? You look a little blue.” He replied: +“Yes! and I feel blue too.” I said: “Why, +what’s the matter?” He said: “Oh, +nothing, except that I have been on my back for a couple of +weeks, that’s all. At one time my doctor nearly gave +me up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has even +taken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or +dead.”</p> + +<p>I said: “This is the first I have heard of it. I +have passed your house several nights, and presumed you had +company, as the rooms were so brilliantly lighted.”</p> + +<p>Cummings replied: “No! The only company I have had +was my wife, the doctor, and the landlady—the last-named +having turned out a perfect trump. I wonder you did not see +it in the paper. I know it was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle +News</i>.”</p> + +<p>I thought to cheer him up, and said: “Well, you are all +right now?”</p> + +<p>He replied: “That’s not the question. The +question is whether an illness does not enable you to discover +who are your <i>true</i> friends.”</p> + +<p>I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make +matters worse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap +on the back, and said: “Hulloh! Have you seen a +ghost? You look scared to death, like Irving in +<i>Macbeth</i>.” I said: “Gently, Gowing, the +poor fellow has been very ill.” Gowing roared with +laughter and said: “Yes, and you look it, too.” +Cummings quietly said: “Yes, and I feel it too—not +that I suppose you care.”</p> + +<p>An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: “Never +mind, Cummings, you and the missis come round to my place +to-morrow, and it will cheer you up a bit; for we’ll open a +bottle of wine.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 26.—An extraordinary +thing happened. Carrie and I went round to Gowing’s, +as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and rang +several times without getting an answer. At last the latch +was drawn and the door opened a little way, the chain still being +up. A man in shirt-sleeves put his head through and said: +“Who is it? What do you want?” I said: +“Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us.” The man said +(as well as I could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog): +“I don’t think he is. Mr. Gowing is not at +home.” I said: “He will be in +directly.”</p> + +<p>With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and +me standing on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the +corner.</p> + +<p>Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then +discovered for the first time that the knocker had been newly +painted, and the paint had come off on my gloves—which +were, in consequence, completely spoiled.</p> + +<p>I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.</p> + +<p>The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and +began abusing me. He said: “What do you mean by +scratching the paint with your stick like that, spoiling the +varnish? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited—”</p> + +<p>He interrupted and said: “I don’t care for Mr. +Gowing, or any of his friends. This is <i>my</i> door, not +Mr. Gowing’s. There are people here besides Mr. +Gowing.”</p> + +<p>The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely +noticed it, it was so trivial in comparison with the scandalous +conduct of Gowing.</p> + +<p>At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings +was very lame and leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and +asked what the matter was.</p> + +<p>The man said: “Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting +anyone. All he said was he had just received an invitation +to Croydon, and he should not be back till Monday evening. +He took his bag with him.”</p> + +<p>With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant +with Gowing’s conduct to say anything. Cummings +looked white with rage, and as he descended the steps struck his +stick violently on the ground and said: +“Scoundrel!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes +us for a drive, which we don’t enjoy. Lupin +introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 8.—It does seem hard +I cannot get good sausages for breakfast. They are either +full of bread or spice, or are as red as beef. Still +anxious about the £20 I invested last week by Lupin’s +advice. However, Cummings has done the same.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 9.—Exactly a +fortnight has passed, and I have neither seen nor heard from +Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round to +his house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie was +engaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased. +I’ll back Carrie’s marking against +anybody’s. While I was drying them at the fire, and +Carrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in.</p> + +<p>He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the +collars. I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he +replied that he had not. I said I should not have believed +that Gowing could have acted in such an ungentlemanly +manner. Cummings said: “You are mild in your +description of him; I think he has acted like a cad.”</p> + +<p>The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, +and Gowing, putting in his head, said: “May I come +in?” I said: “Certainly.” Carrie +said very pointedly: “Well, you <i>are</i> a +stranger.” Gowing said: “Yes, I’ve been +on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.” I +could see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackled +Gowing very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday +week. Gowing appeared surprised, and said: “Why, I +posted a letter to you in the morning announcing that the party +was ‘off, very much off.’” I said: +“I never got it.” Gowing, turning to Carrie, +said: “I suppose letters sometimes <i>miscarry</i>, +don’t they, <i>Mrs.</i> Carrie?” Cummings +sharply said: “This is not a time for joking. I had +no notice of the party being put off.” Gowing +replied: “I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I was in +a hurry. However, I’ll inquire at the post-office, +and we must meet again at my place.” I added that I +hoped he would be present at the next meeting. Carrie +roared at this, and even Cummings could not help laughing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 10, Sunday.—Contrary +to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin to persuade her to take her +for a drive in the afternoon in his trap. I quite +disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust +Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. Lupin +said: “Now, that is nice of you, Guv., but you won’t +mind sitting on the back-seat of the cart?”</p> + +<p>Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles +too large for him. Carrie said it wanted taking in +considerably at the back. Lupin said: “Haven’t +you seen a box-coat before? You can’t drive in +anything else.”</p> + +<p>He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never +drive with him again. His conduct was shocking. When +we passed Highgate Archway, he tried to pass everything and +everybody. He shouted to respectable people who were +walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked at +the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and, +as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of +roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned +and followed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse +jokes and laughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting us +with orange-peel.</p> + +<p>Lupin’s excuse—that the Prince of Wales would have +to put up with the same sort of thing if he drove to the +Derby—was of little consolation to either Carrie or +myself. Frank Mutlar called in the evening, and Lupin went +out with him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 11.—Feeling a little +concerned about Lupin, I mustered up courage to speak to Mr. +Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has always been most kind to +me, so I told him everything, including yesterday’s +adventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: “There is no +necessity for you to be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would be +impossible for a son of such good parents to turn out +erroneously. Remember he is young, and will soon get +older. I wish we could find room for him in this +firm.” The advice of this good man takes loads off my +mind. In the evening Lupin came in.</p> + +<p>After our little supper, he said: “My dear parents, I +have some news, which I fear will affect you +considerably.” I felt a qualm come over me, and said +nothing. Lupin then said: “It may distress +you—in fact, I’m sure it will—but this +afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for ever.” +It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a +bottle of port. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing +with him a large sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, which +he fastened against the wall. He then produced several +separate tails, and we spent the remainder of the evening trying +blindfolded to pin a tail on in the proper place. My sides +positively ached with laughter when I went to bed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 12.—In the evening I +spoke to Lupin about his engagement with Daisy Mutlar. I +asked if he had heard from her. He replied: “No; she +promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would not +communicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in +fact, he said he might call again this evening.” +Frank called, but said he could not stop, as he had a friend +waiting outside for him, named Murray Posh, adding he was quite a +swell. Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.</p> + +<p>He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr. +Murray Posh was a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a +very nervous disposition, as he subsequently confessed he would +never go in a hansom cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler until +the driver had first got on the box with his reins in his +hands.</p> + +<p>On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, +said: “Any relation to ‘Posh’s three-shilling +hats’?” Mr. Posh replied: “Yes; but +please understand I don’t try on hats myself. I take +no <i>active</i> part in the business.” I replied: +“I wish I had a business like it.” Mr. Posh +seemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of +the extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap +hats.</p> + +<p>Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from +the way he was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, +laughingly: “If you don’t look out, Posh will cut you +out!” When they had all gone, I referred to this +flippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: “A +man who is jealous has no respect for himself. A man who +would be jealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have +a contempt for himself. I know Daisy. She +<i>would</i> wait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, if +necessary, <i>she would wait twenty years for me</i>.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVI</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">We lose money over Lupin’s advice as to +investment, so does Cummings. Murray Posh engaged to Daisy +Mutlar.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 18.—Carrie has +several times recently called attention to the thinness of my +hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it seen +to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a +small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edge +of the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand and +smashed it. Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she is +rather absurdly superstitious. To make matters worse, my +large photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, and +the glass cracked.</p> + +<p>Carrie said: “Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is +about to happen.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Nonsense, dear.”</p> + +<p>In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little +agitated. I said: “What’s up, my +boy?” He hesitated a good deal, and then said: +“You know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to +invest £20 in?” I replied: “Yes, they are +all right, I trust?” He replied: “Well, +no! To the surprise of everybody, they have utterly +collapsed.”</p> + +<p>My breath was so completely taken away, I could say +nothing. Carrie looked at me, and said: “What did I +tell you?” Lupin, after a while, said: +“However, you are specially fortunate. I received an +early tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to +get £2 for them. So you get something after +all.”</p> + +<p>I gave a sigh of relief. I said: “I was not so +sanguine as to suppose, as you predicted, that I should get six +or eight times the amount of my investment; still a profit of +£2 is a good percentage for such a short time.” +Lupin said, quite irritably: “You don’t +understand. I sold your £20 shares for £2; you +therefore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby Cummings and +Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 19.—Lupin, before +going to town, said: “I am very sorry about those +Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss, Job +Cleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, you must +not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office. Job +Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it strikes me +several people <i>do</i> want to see him very +particularly.”</p> + +<p>In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to +avoid a collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former +entered the room, without knocking, but with his usual trick of +saying, “May I come in?”</p> + +<p>He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to +be in the very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I +broached the subject to him, but he did so of his own +accord. He said: “I say, those Parachikka Chlorates +have gone an awful smash! You’re a nice one, Master +Lupin. How much do you lose?” Lupin, to my +utter astonishment, said: “Oh! I had nothing in +them. There was some informality in my application—I +forgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn’t get +any. The Guv. loses £18.” I said: +“I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have +induced me to speculate.” Lupin replied: “Well, +it can’t be helped; you must go double on the next +tip.” Before I could reply, Gowing said: “Well, +I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I did not +quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my +£15 worth, as he had more faith in them than I +had.”</p> + +<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, +said: “Alas, poor Cummings. He’ll lose +£35.” At that moment there was a ring at the +bell. Lupin said: “I don’t want to meet +Cummings.” If he had gone out of the door he would +have met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible Lupin +opened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up +suddenly, exclaiming: “I don’t want to see him +either!” and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin +out of the window.</p> + +<p>For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one +of my most intimate friends should depart from the house like a +couple of interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very +upset, and of course was naturally very angry both with Lupin and +Gowing. I pressed him to have a little whisky, and he +replied that he had given up whisky; but would like a little +“Unsweetened,” as he was advised it was the most +healthy spirit. I had none in the house, but sent Sarah +round to Lockwood’s for some.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 20.—The first thing +that caught my eye on opening the <i>Standard</i> +was—“Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers! +Mr. Job Cleanands absconded!” I handed it to Carrie, +and she replied: “Oh! perhaps it’s for Lupin’s +good. I never did think it a suitable situation for +him.” I thought the whole affair very shocking.</p> + +<p>Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully +distressed, I said: “We know the news, my dear boy, and +feel very sorry for you.” Lupin said: “How did +you know? who told you?” I handed him the +<i>Standard</i>. He threw the paper down, and said: +“Oh I don’t care a button for that! I expected +that, but I did not expect this.” He then read a +letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that +Daisy Mutlar is to be married next month to Murray Posh. I +exclaimed, “Murray Posh! Is not that the very man +Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday +week?” Lupin said: “Yes; the +‘<i>Posh’s-three-shilling-hats</i>’ +chap.”</p> + +<p>We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.</p> + +<p>In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too +worried, but I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon. If +I cannot get streaky bacon, I will do without anything.</p> + +<p>When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over +his face. I asked him what it meant. He replied: +“Oh! only a little consolation—still it is a +consolation. I have just remembered that, by <i>my</i> +advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested £600 in Parachikka +Chlorates!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray +Posh. The dream of my life realised. Mr. Perkupp +takes Lupin into the office.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">March</span> 20.—To-day being the +day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. Murray Posh are to be married, +Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at Gravesend. +Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, although he declares +that he is glad it is off. I wish he would not go to so +many music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him about +it. At the present moment he irritates me by singing all +over the house some nonsense about “What’s the matter +with Gladstone? He’s all right! What’s +the matter with Lupin? He’s all right!” +<i>I</i> don’t think either of them is. In the +evening Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation was +Daisy’s marriage to Murray Posh. I said: “I was +glad the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only have made a +fool of Lupin.” Gowing, with his usual good taste, +said: “Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself without +any assistance.” Carrie very properly resented this, +and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">March</span> 21.—To-day I shall +conclude my diary, for it is one of the happiest days of my +life. My great dream of the last few weeks—in fact, +of many years—has been realised. This morning came a +letter from Mr. Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the +office with me. I went to Lupin’s room; poor fellow, +he seemed very pale, and said he had a bad headache. He had +come back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spent part of the +day in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough to +neglect to take his overcoat with him. I showed him Mr. +Perkupp’s letter, and he got up as quickly as +possible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured +clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or +quiet-looking.</p> + +<p>Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all +she could keep on saying was: “Oh, I <i>do</i> hope it will +be all right.” For myself, I could scarcely eat any +breakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, and looking a +perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow. +Carrie, by way of encouragement said: “You do look nice, +Lupin.” Lupin replied: “Yes, it’s a good +make-up, isn’t it? A +regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior-clerk.” +He laughed rather ironically.</p> + +<p>In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to +Sarah to fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage, +and found Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tall +hat. I said: “Lupin, my boy, what are you +doing? How wicked of you! Some poor fellow would be +glad to have it.” Lupin replied: “I would not +insult any poor fellow by giving it to him.”</p> + +<p>When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and +saw inside “Posh’s Patent.” Poor +Lupin! I can forgive him. It seemed hours before we +reached the office. Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was +with him nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought, +crestfallen in appearance. I said: “Well, Lupin, how +about Mr. Perkupp?” Lupin commenced his song: +“What’s the matter with Perkupp? He’s all +right!” I felt instinctively my boy was +engaged. I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I could not +speak. He said: “Well, Mr. Pooter, what is +it?” I must have looked a fool, for all I could say +was: “Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man.” He +looked at me for a moment, and said: “No, Mr. Pooter, +<i>you</i> are the good man; and we’ll see if we cannot get +your son to follow such an excellent example.” I +said: “Mr. Perkupp, may I go home? I cannot work any +more to-day.”</p> + +<p>My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his +head. It was as much as I could do to prevent myself from +crying in the ’bus; in fact, I should have done so, had my +thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin, who was having a quarrel +with a fat man in the ’bus, whom he accused of taking up +too much room.</p> + +<p>In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings +and his wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the +fire, and in a bottle of “Jackson Frères,” +which Sarah fetched from the grocer’s, drank Lupin’s +health. I lay awake for hours, thinking of the +future. My boy in the same office as myself—we can go +down together by the ’bus, come home together, and who +knows but in the course of time he may take great interest in our +little home. That he may help me to put a nail in here or a +nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture. +In the summer he may help us in our little garden with the +flowers, and assist us to paint the stands and pots. +(By-the-by, I must get in some more enamel paint.) All this +I thought over and over again, and a thousand happy thoughts +beside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after fell +asleep, only to dream of three happy people—Lupin, dear +Carrie, and myself.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVIII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go +to a Volunteer Ball, where I am let in for an expensive +supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An odd +invitation to Southend.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 8.—No events of any +importance, except that Gowing strongly recommended a new patent +stylographic pen, which cost me nine-and-sixpence, and which was +simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. It has caused +me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. The ink +oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the +office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to +jerk the ink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: +“Stop that knocking! I suppose that is you, Mr. +Pitt?” That young monkey, Pitt, took a malicious glee +in responding quite loudly: “No, sir; I beg pardon, it is +Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all the +morning.” To make matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing +behind his desk. I thought it wiser to say nothing. I +took the pen back to the shop and asked them if they would take +it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full price +returned, but was willing to take half. The man said he +could not do that—buying and selling were two different +things. Lupin’s conduct during the period he has been +in Mr. Perkupp’s office has been most exemplary. My +only fear is, it is too good to last.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 9.—Gowing called, +bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and myself to a ball +given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought would be +a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir William Grime) +had promised his patronage. We accepted of his kindness, +and he stayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for +trying a bottle of the sparkling Algéra that Mr. James (of +Sutton) had sent as a present. Gowing sipped the wine, +observing that he had never tasted it before, and further +remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised +brands. I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and +one mustn’t look a gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing +facetiously replied: “And he didn’t like putting it +in the mouth either.”</p> + +<p>I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on +tasting it myself, came to the conclusion there was some +justification for them. The sparkling Algéra is very +like cider, only more sour. I suggested that perhaps the +thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied: +“Oh! I don’t think so.” We had a very +pleasant game of cards, though I lost four shillings and Carrie +lost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence: how he +could have lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only +other players, remains a mystery.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 14, Sunday.—Owing, I +presume, to the unsettled weather, I awoke with a feeling that my +skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum. Walking +round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, members of our +congregation who had walked back with us, I was much annoyed to +find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path, +evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who, +whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside their +conservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and +imitating birds.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 15.—Burnt my tongue +most awfully with the Worcester sauce, through that stupid girl +Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on the +table.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 16.—The night of the +East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice, Carrie put on the +same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the Mansion House, +for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr. +Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary Artillery +Company, would in all probability be present. Lupin, in his +usual incomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard it +was a “bounders’ ball.” I didn’t +ask him what he meant though I didn’t understand. +Where he gets these expressions from I don’t know; he +certainly doesn’t learn them at home.</p> + +<p>The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we +arrived an hour later we should be in good time, without being +“unfashionable,” as Mrs. James says. It was +very difficult to find—the cabman having to get down +several times to inquire at different public-houses where the +Drill Hall was. I wonder at people living in such +out-of-the-way places. No one seemed to know it. +However, after going up and down a good many badly-lighted +streets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it was +so far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who +only grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and +was impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a +ball to take a ’bus.</p> + +<p>Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but +that it was better late than never. He seemed a very +good-looking gentleman though, as Carrie remarked, “rather +short for an officer.” He begged to be excused for +leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped we should +make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walked +round the rooms two or three times and watched the people +dancing. I couldn’t find a single person I knew, but +attributed it to most of them being in uniform. As we were +entering the supper-room I received a slap on the shoulder, +followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: “Mr. +Padge, I believe;” he replied, “That’s +right.”</p> + +<p>I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made +herself at home with Carrie at once.</p> + +<p>There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of +champagne, claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be +done regardless of expense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I +admit, I have no particular liking for, but I felt so glad to +come across someone I knew, that I asked him to sit at our table, +and I must say that for a short fat man he looked well in +uniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the +back. It was the only supper-room that I have been in that +was not over-crowded; in fact we were the only people there, +everybody being so busy dancing.</p> + +<p>I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said +her name was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed +the bottle to Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying: “You must +look after yourself.” He replied: “That’s +right,” and poured out half a tumbler and drank +Carrie’s health, coupled, as he said, “with her +worthy lord and master.” We all had some splendid +pigeon pie, and ices to follow.</p> + +<p>The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like +some more wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. +Padge, also some people who had just come from the dancing-room, +who were very civil. It occurred to me at the time that +perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in the City, as they were +so polite. I made myself useful, and assisted several +ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that “There is +nothing lost by civility.”</p> + +<p>The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the +ball-room. The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious +to see the dancing, and as I had not quite finished my supper, +Mr. Padge offered his arms to them and escorted them to the +ball-room, telling me to follow. I said to Mr. Padge: +“It is quite a West End affair,” to which remark Mr. +Padge replied: “That’s right.”</p> + +<p>When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the +waiter who had been attending on us arrested my attention by +tapping me on the shoulder. I thought it unusual for a +waiter at a private ball to expect a tip, but nevertheless gave a +shilling, as he had been very attentive. He smilingly +replied: “I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good,” +alluding to the shilling. “Your party’s had +four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s., three bottles of +champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny cigar +for the stout gentleman—in all £3 0s. 6d.!”</p> + +<p>I don’t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and +had only sufficient breath to inform him that I had received a +private invitation, to which he answered that he was perfectly +well aware of that; but that the invitation didn’t include +eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was standing at +the bar corroborated the waiter’s statement, and assured me +it was quite correct.</p> + +<p>The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any +misapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course there +was nothing to be done but to pay. So, after turning out my +pockets, I just managed to scrape up sufficient, all but nine +shillings; but the manager, on my giving my card to him, said: +“That’s all right.”</p> + +<p>I don’t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, +and I determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it +would entirely destroy the pleasant evening she was +enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoyment for me that +evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs. +Lupkin. Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. +Lupkin, as we were wishing her “Good-night,” asked +Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend? On +my replying that I hadn’t been there for many years, she +very kindly said: “Well, why don’t you come down and +stay at our place?” As her invitation was so +pressing, and observing that Carrie wished to go, we promised we +would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay till +Monday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow, +giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.</p> + +<p>When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that +the roads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great +difficulty in getting a cabman to take us to Holloway. +After waiting a bit, a man said he would drive us, anyhow, as far +as “The Angel,” at Islington, and we could easily get +another cab from there. It was a tedious journey; the rain +was beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of +the cab.</p> + +<p>When we arrived at “The Angel” the horse seemed +tired out. Carrie got out and ran into a doorway, and when +I came to pay, to my absolute horror I remembered I had no money, +nor had Carrie. I explained to the cabman how we were +situated. Never in my life have I ever been so insulted; +the cabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober, +called me every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively +seized me by the beard, which he pulled till the tears came into +my eyes. I took the number of a policeman (who witnessed +the assault) for not taking the man in charge. The +policeman said he couldn’t interfere, that he had seen no +assault, and that people should not ride in cabs without +money.</p> + +<p>We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and +when I got in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, +word for word, as I intend writing to the <i>Telegraph</i> for +the purpose of proposing that cabs should be driven only by men +under Government control, to prevent civilians being subjected to +the disgraceful insult and outrage that I had had to endure.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 17.—No water in our +cistern again. Sent for Putley, who said he would soon +remedy that, the cistern being zinc.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 18.—Water all right +again in the cistern. Mrs. James, of Sutton, called in the +afternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the +drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all +over it, as Mrs. James says it’s quite the fashion. +It was Mrs. James’ suggestion, and of course Carrie always +does what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, I preferred the +mantelpiece as it was; but there, I’m a plain man, and +don’t pretend to be in the fashion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 19.—Our next-door +neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a rather offensive tone +accused me, or “someone,” of boring a hole in his +cistern and letting out his water to supply our cistern, which +adjoined his. He said he should have his repaired, and send +us in the bill.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 20.—Cummings called, +hobbling in with a stick, saying he had been on his back for a +week. It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom door, +which is situated just at the top of the staircase, and unknown +to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had got +between the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the +door hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his +hands, and he fell backwards downstairs.</p> + +<p>On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and +rushed out of the room sideways. Cummings looked very +indignant, and remarked it was very poor fun a man nearly +breaking his back; and though I had my suspicions that Lupin was +laughing, I assured Cummings that he had only run out to open the +door to a friend he expected. Cummings said this was the +second time he had been laid up, and we had never sent to +inquire. I said I knew nothing about it. Cummings +said: “It was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle +News</i>.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 22.—I have of late +frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails a good deal with an +instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, she replied: +“Oh, I’m going in for manicuring. It’s +all the fashion now.” I said: “I suppose Mrs. +James introduced that into your head.” Carrie +laughingly replied: “Yes; but everyone does it +now.”</p> + +<p>I wish Mrs. James wouldn’t come to the house. +Whenever she does she always introduces some new-fandangled +rubbish into Carrie’s head. One of these days I feel +sure I shall tell her she’s not welcome. I am sure it +was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on dark +slate-coloured paper with white ink. Nonsense!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 23.—Received a letter +from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the train to come by on +Saturday, and hoping we will keep our promise to stay with +her. The letter concluded: “You must come and stay at +our house; we shall charge you half what you will have to pay at +the Royal, and the view is every bit as good.” +Looking at the address at the top of the note-paper, I found it +was “Lupkin’s Family and Commercial Hotel.”</p> + +<p>I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to “decline her +kind invitation.” Carrie thought this very satirical, +and to the point.</p> + +<p>By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at +night. I ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden at +Edwards’, and chose the pattern by gaslight, and they +seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt mixture with white stripes +down. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I +found it was quite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of +green with bright yellow-coloured stripes.</p> + +<p>I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie +giggling. She said: “What mixture did you say you +asked for?”</p> + +<p>I said: “A quiet pepper and salt.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said: “Well, it looks more like mustard, if you +want to know the truth.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIX</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old +schoolfellow. We have a pleasant and quiet dinner at his +uncle’s, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on my part +respecting Mr. Finsworth’s pictures. A discussion on +dreams.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 27.—Kept a little later +than usual at the office, and as I was hurrying along a man +stopped me, saying: “Hulloh! That’s a face I +know.” I replied politely: “Very likely; lots +of people know me, although I may not know them.” He +replied: “But you know me—Teddy +Finsworth.” So it was. He was at the same +school with me. I had not seen him for years and +years. No wonder I did not know him! At school he was +at least a head taller than I was; now I am at least a head +taller than he is, and he has a thick beard, almost grey. +He insisted on my having a glass of wine (a thing I never do), +and told me he lived at Middlesboro’, where he was Deputy +Town Clerk, a position which was as high as the Town Clerk of +London—in fact, higher. He added that he was staying +for a few days in London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul +Finsworth (of Finsworth and Pultwell). He said he was sure +his uncle would be only too pleased to see me, and he had a nice +house, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes’ walk from Muswell +Hill Station. I gave him our address, and we parted.</p> + +<p>In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice +letter from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would +dine with them to-morrow (Sunday), at two o’clock, he would +be delighted. Carrie did not like to go; but Teddy +Finsworth pressed us so much we consented. Carrie sent +Sarah round to the butcher’s and countermanded our half-leg +of mutton, which we had ordered for to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 28, Sunday.—We found +Watney Lodge farther off than we anticipated, and only arrived as +the clock struck two, both feeling hot and uncomfortable. +To make matters worse, a large collie dog pounced forward to +receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie, +covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the first +time, with mud. Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dog +off and apologised. We were shown into the drawing-room, +which was beautifully decorated. It was full of +knick-knacks, and some plates hung up on the wall. There +were several little wooden milk-stools with paintings on them; +also a white wooden banjo, painted by one of Mr. Paul +Finsworth’s nieces—a cousin of Teddy’s.</p> + +<p>Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking +elderly gentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie. There +were a great many water-colours hanging on the walls, mostly +different views of India, which were very bright. Mr. +Finsworth said they were painted by “Simpz,” and +added that he was no judge of pictures himself but had been +informed on good authority that they were worth some hundreds of +pounds, although he had only paid a few shillings apiece for +them, frames included, at a sale in the neighbourhood.</p> + +<p>There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done +in coloured crayons. It looked like a religious +subject. I was very much struck with the lace collar, it +looked so real, but I unfortunately made the remark that there +was something about the expression of the face that was not quite +pleasing. It looked pinched. Mr. Finsworth +sorrowfully replied: “Yes, the face was done after +death—my wife’s sister.”</p> + +<p>I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a +whisper said I hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We both +stood looking at the picture for a few minutes in silence, when +Mr. Finsworth took out a handkerchief and said: “She was +sitting in our garden last summer,” and blew his nose +violently. He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at +something else and stood in front of a portrait of a +jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face and straw +hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth: “Who is this +jovial-looking gentleman? Life doesn’t seem to +trouble him much.” Mr. Finsworth said: “No, it +doesn’t. <i>He is dead too</i>—my +brother.”</p> + +<p>I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness. +Fortunately at this moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, +who had taken her upstairs to take off her bonnet and brush her +skirt. Teddy said: “Short is late,” but at that +moment the gentleman referred to arrived, and I was introduced to +him by Teddy, who said: “Do you know Mr. +Short?” I replied, smiling, that I had not that +pleasure, but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr. +<i>Short</i>. He evidently did not see my little joke, +although I repeated it twice with a little laugh. I +suddenly remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhaps +<i>very particular</i>. In this I was mistaken, for he was +not at all particular in several of his remarks after +dinner. In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations +that I took the opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I +feared she found Mr. Short occasionally a little +embarrassing. To my surprise she said: “Oh! he is +privileged you know.” I did not know as a matter of +fact, and so I bowed apologetically. I fail to see why Mr. +Short should be privileged.</p> + +<p>Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie +dog, which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the +dining-room table. It kept growling and snapping at my +boots every time I moved my foot. Feeling nervous rather, I +spoke to Mrs. Finsworth about the animal, and she remarked: +“It is only his play.” She jumped up and let in +a frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had been +scratching at the door. This dog also seemed to take a +fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it had licked +off every bit of blacking from them. I was positively +ashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. Finsworth, who, I must +say, is not much of a Job’s comforter, said: “Oh! we +are used to Bibbs doing that to our visitors.”</p> + +<p>Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question +whether it is a good thing to take on the top of beer. It +made me feel a little sleepy, while it had the effect of inducing +Mr. Short to become “privileged” to rather an +alarming extent. It being cold even for April, there was a +fire in the drawing-room; we sat round in easy-chairs, and Teddy +and I waxed rather eloquent over the old school days, which had +the effect of sending all the others to sleep. I was +delighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned, that it did have +that effect on him.</p> + +<p>We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for +the fact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my +boots. Polished them myself when I got home. Went to +church in the evening, and could scarcely keep awake. I +will not take port on the top of beer again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 29.—I am getting quite +accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, and I do not mind being sat +upon by Carrie, because I think she has a certain amount of right +to do so; but I do think it hard to be at once snubbed by wife, +son, and both my guests.</p> + +<p>Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I +suddenly remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights +ago, and I thought I would tell them about it. I dreamt I +saw some huge blocks of ice in a shop with a bright glare behind +them. I walked into the shop and the heat was +overpowering. I found that the blocks of ice were on +fire. The whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural I +woke up in a cold perspiration. Lupin in a most +contemptuous manner, said: “What utter rot.”</p> + +<p>Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so +completely uninteresting as other people’s dreams.</p> + +<p>I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with +the others and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said: +“It seemed so real to me.” Gowing replied: +“Yes, to <i>you</i> perhaps, but not to +<i>us</i>.” Whereupon they all roared.</p> + +<p>Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: “He tells me +his stupid dreams every morning nearly.” I replied: +“Very well, dear, I promise you I will never tell you or +anybody else another dream of mine the longest day I +live.” Lupin said: “Hear! hear!” and +helped himself to another glass of beer. The subject was +fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting article +on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XX</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Dinner at Franching’s to meet Mr. +Hardfur Huttle.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 10.—Received a letter +from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking us to dine with him +to-night, at seven o’clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle, a +very clever writer for the American papers. Franching +apologised for the short notice; but said he had at the last +moment been disappointed of two of his guests and regarded us as +old friends who would not mind filling up the gap. Carrie +rather demurred at the invitation; but I explained to her that +Franching was very well off and influential, and we could not +afford to offend him. “And we are sure to get a good +dinner and a good glass of champagne.” “Which +never agrees with you!” Carrie replied, sharply. I +regarded Carrie’s observation as unsaid. Mr. +Franching asked us to wire a reply. As he had said nothing +about dress in the letter, I wired back: “With +pleasure. Is it full dress?” and by leaving out our +name, just got the message within the sixpence.</p> + +<p>Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a +telegram instructing us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet me +at Franching’s house; but she would not do so, so I had to +go home to fetch her. What a long journey it is from +Holloway to Peckham! Why do people live such a long way +off? Having to change ’buses, I allowed plenty of +time—in fact, too much; for we arrived at twenty minutes to +seven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up +to dress. However, he was down as the clock struck seven; +he must have dressed very quickly.</p> + +<p>I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we +did not know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite +swells. Franching had got a professional waiter, and +evidently spared no expense. There were flowers on the +table round some fairy-lamps and the effect, I must say, was +exquisite. The wine was good and there was plenty of +champagne, concerning which Franching said he himself, never +wished to taste better. We were ten in number, and a +<i>menû</i> card to each. One lady said she always +preserved the <i>menû</i> and got the guests to write their +names on the back.</p> + +<p>We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was +of course the important guest.</p> + +<p>The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur +Huttle, Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. +Purdick, Mr. Pratt, Mr. R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and +Mrs. Charles Pooter. Franching said he was sorry he had no +lady for me to take in to dinner. I replied that I +preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a very +uncomplimentary observation to make.</p> + +<p>I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner. She seemed a +well-informed lady, but was very deaf. It did not much +matter, for Mr. Hardfur Huttle did all the talking. He is a +marvellously intellectual man and says things which from other +people would seem quite alarming. How I wish I could +remember even a quarter of his brilliant conversation. I +made a few little reminding notes on the <i>menû</i> +card.</p> + +<p>One observation struck me as being absolutely +powerful—though not to my way of thinking of course. +Mrs. Purdick happened to say “You are certainly unorthodox, +Mr. Huttle.” Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar expression +(I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice: “Mrs. +Purdick, ‘orthodox’ is a grandiloquent word implying +sticking-in-the-mud. If Columbus and Stephenson had been +orthodox, there would neither have been the discovery of America +nor the steam-engine.” There was quite a +silence. It appeared to me that such teaching was +absolutely dangerous, and yet I felt—in fact we must all +have felt—there was no answer to the argument. A +little later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching’s sister +and also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttle +said: “Why, ladies, do you deprive us of your company so +soon? Why not wait while we have our cigars?”</p> + +<p>The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie) +were in no way inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle’s +fascinating society, and immediately resumed their seats, amid +much laughter and a little chaff. Mr. Huttle said: +“Well, that’s a real good sign; you shall not be +insulted by being called orthodox any longer.” Mrs. +Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said: +“Mr. Huttle, we will meet you half-way—that is, till +you get half-way through your cigar. That, at all events, +will be the happy medium.”</p> + +<p>I shall never forget the effect the words, “happy +medium,” had upon him. He was brilliant and most +daring in his interpretation of the words. He positively +alarmed me. He said something like the following: +“Happy medium, indeed. Do you know ‘happy +medium’ are two words which mean ‘miserable +mediocrity’? I say, go first class or third; marry a +duchess or her kitchenmaid. The happy medium means +respectability, and respectability means insipidness. Does +it not, Mr. Pooter?”</p> + +<p>I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I +could only bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not +competent to offer an opinion. Carrie was about to say +something; but she was interrupted, for which I was rather +pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one has to be +extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttle.</p> + +<p>He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his +unwelcome opinions positively convincing: “The happy medium +is nothing more or less than a vulgar half-measure. A man +who loves champagne and, finding a pint too little, fears to face +a whole bottle and has recourse to an imperial pint, will never +build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. No, he is +half-hearted, he is a half-measure—respectable—in +fact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of his days in a +suburban villa with a stucco-column portico, resembling a +four-post bedstead.”</p> + +<p>We all laughed.</p> + +<p>“That sort of thing,” continued Mr. Huttle, +“belongs to a soft man, with a soft beard with a soft head, +with a made tie that hooks on.”</p> + +<p>This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking +in the glass of the cheffonière; for <i>I</i> had on a tie +that hooked on—and why not? If these remarks were not +personal they were rather careless, and so were some of his +subsequent observations, which must have made both Mr. Franching +and his guests rather uncomfortable. I don’t think +Mr. Huttle meant to be personal, for he added; “We +don’t know that class here in this country: but we do in +America, and I’ve no use for them.”</p> + +<p>Franching several times suggested that the wine should be +passed round the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but +continued as if he were giving a lecture:</p> + +<p>“What we want in America is your homes. We live on +wheels. Your simple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, +are charming. No display, no pretension! You make no +difference in your dinner, I dare say, when you sit down by +yourself and when you invite us. You have your own personal +attendant—no hired waiter to breathe on the back of your +head.”</p> + +<p>I saw Franching palpably wince at this.</p> + +<p>Mr. Huttle continued: “Just a small dinner with a few +good things, such as you have this evening. You +don’t insult your guests by sending to the grocer for +champagne at six shillings a bottle.”</p> + +<p>I could not help thinking of “Jackson +Frères” at three-and-six!</p> + +<p>“In fact,” said Mr. Huttle, “a man is little +less than a murderer who does. That is the province of the +milksop, who wastes his evening at home playing dominoes with his +wife. I’ve heard of these people. We +don’t want them at this table. Our party is well +selected. We’ve no use for deaf old women, who cannot +follow intellectual conversation.”</p> + +<p>All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being +deaf, did not hear his remarks; but continued smiling +approval.</p> + +<p>“We have no representative at Mr. Franching’s +table,” said Mr. Huttle, “of the unenlightened +frivolous matron, who goes to a second class dance at Bayswater +and fancies she is in Society. Society does not know her; +it has no use for her.”</p> + +<p>Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was +afforded for the ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching +quietly to excuse me, as I did not wish to miss the last train, +which we very nearly did, by-the-by, through Carrie having +mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap which she wears when we go +out.</p> + +<p>It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering +the sitting-room I said: “Carrie, what do you think of Mr. +Hardfur Huttle?” She simply answered: “How like +Lupin!” The same idea occurred to me in the +train. The comparison kept me awake half the night. +Mr. Huttle was, of course, an older and more influential man; but +he <i>was</i> like Lupin, and it made me think how dangerous +Lupin would be if he were older and more influential. I +feel proud to think Lupin <i>does</i> resemble Mr. Huttle in some +ways. Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes +wonderful ideas; but it is those ideas that are so +dangerous. They make men extremely rich or extremely +poor. They make or break men. I always feel people +are happier who live a simple unsophisticated life. I +believe <i>I</i> am happy because I am not ambitious. +Somehow I feel that Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp, +has become content to settle down and follow the footsteps of his +father. This is a comfort.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXI</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Lupin is discharged. We are in great +trouble. Lupin gets engaged elsewhere at a handsome +salary.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 13.—A terrible misfortune +has happened: Lupin is discharged from Mr. Perkupp’s +office; and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary. I +was away from office last Sat., the first time I have been absent +through illness for twenty years. I believe I was poisoned +by some lobster. Mr. Perkupp was also absent, as Fate would +have it; and our most valued customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went to +the office in a rage, and withdrew his custom. My boy Lupin +not only had the assurance to receive him, but recommended him +the firm of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited. In my own +humble judgment, and though I have to say it against my own son, +this seems an act of treachery.</p> + +<p>This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me +that Lupin’s services are no longer required, and an +interview with me is desired at eleven o’clock. I +went down to the office with an aching heart, dreading an +interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never had a +word. I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning. He had +not got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie said I +should do no good by disturbing him. My mind wandered so at +the office that I could not do my work properly.</p> + +<p>As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the +following conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it.</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “Good-morning, Mr. Pooter! This +is a very serious business. I am not referring so much to +the dismissal of your son, for I knew we should have to part +sooner or later. <i>I</i> am the head of this old, +influential, and much-respected firm; and when <i>I</i> consider +the time has come to revolutionise the business, <i>I</i> will do +it myself.”</p> + +<p>I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: +“I hope, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way +countenanced my son’s unwarrantable +interference?” Mr. Perkupp rose from his seat and +took my hand, and said: “Mr. Pooter, I would as soon +suspect myself as suspect you.” I was so agitated +that in the confusion, to show my gratitude I very nearly called +him a “grand old man.”</p> + +<p>Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a +“grand old master.” I was so unaccountable for +my actions that I sat down, leaving him standing. Of +course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp bade me sit down, which I +was very pleased to do. Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said: +“You will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high-standing +nature of our firm will not admit of our bending to +anybody. If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to put his work into +other hands—I may add, less experienced hands—it is +not for us to bend and beg back his custom.” +“You <i>shall</i> not do it, sir,” I said with +indignation. “Exactly,” replied Mr. Perkupp; +“I shall <i>not</i> do it. But I was thinking this, +Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon is our most valued client, and I +will even confess—for I know this will not go beyond +ourselves—that we cannot afford very well to lose him, +especially in these times, which are not of the brightest. +Now, I fancy you can be of service.”</p> + +<p>I replied: “Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to +serve you!”</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “I know you will. Now, what I +should like you to do is this. You yourself might write to +Mr. Crowbillon—you must not, of course, lead him to suppose +I know anything about your doing so—and explain to him that +your son was only taken on as a clerk—quite an +inexperienced one in fact—out of the respect the firm had +for you, Mr. Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. I +don’t suggest that you should speak in too strong terms of +your own son’s conduct; but I may add, that had he been a +son of mine, I should have condemned his interference with no +measured terms. That I leave to you. I think the +result will be that Mr. Crowbillon will see the force of the +foolish step he has taken, and our firm will neither suffer in +dignity nor in pocket.”</p> + +<p>I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp +is. His manners and his way of speaking seem to almost +thrill one with respect.</p> + +<p>I said: “Would you like to see the letter before I send +it?”</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh no! I had better not. +I am supposed to know nothing about it, and I have every +confidence in you. You must write the letter +carefully. We are not very busy; you had better take the +morning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. I shall be +here myself all day to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case Mr. +Crowbillon should call.”</p> + +<p>I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah +that I could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact +anybody, if they called in the evening. Lupin came into the +parlour for a moment with a new hat on, and asked my opinion of +it. I said I was not in the mood to judge of hats, and I +did not think he was in a position to buy a new one. Lupin +replied carelessly: “I didn’t buy it; it was a +present.”</p> + +<p>I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely +like to ask him questions, as I dread the answers so. He, +however, saved me the trouble.</p> + +<p>He said: “I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not +quite think a friend at the time; but it’s all right. +As he wisely said, ‘all is fair in love and war,’ and +there was no reason why we should not be friends still. +He’s a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and a very +different stamp from that inflated fool of a Perkupp.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult to +injury.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “What do you mean by injury? I repeat, +I have done no injury. Crowbillon is simply tired of a +stagnant stick-in-the-mud firm, and made the change on his own +account. I simply recommended the new firm as a matter of +biz—good old biz!”</p> + +<p>I said quietly: “I don’t understand your slang, +and at my time of life have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my +boy, let us change the subject. I will, if it please you, +<i>try</i> and be interested in your new hat +adventure.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Oh! there’s nothing much about it, +except I have not once seen him since his marriage, and he said +he was very pleased to see me, and hoped we should be +friends. I stood a drink to cement the friendship, and he +stood me a new hat—one of his own.”</p> + +<p>I said rather wearily: “But you have not told me your +old friend’s name?”</p> + +<p>Lupin said, with affected carelessness: “Oh didn’t +I? Well, I will. It was <i>Murray +Posh</i>.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 14.—Lupin came down late, +and seeing me at home all the morning, asked the reason of +it. Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say nothing +to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the +question.</p> + +<p>Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh +in the City. I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with +a berth. Lupin went out laughing, saying: “I +don’t mind <i>wearing</i> Posh’s one-priced hats, but +I am not going to <i>sell</i> them.” Poor boy, I fear +he is perfectly hopeless.</p> + +<p>It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. +Crowbillon. Once or twice I asked Carrie for suggestions; +and although it seems ungrateful, her suggestions were none of +them to the point, while one or two were absolutely +idiotic. Of course I did not tell her so. I got the +letter off, and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp to +see, but he again repeated that he could trust me.</p> + +<p>Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him +about Lupin and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite +inclined to side with Lupin. Carrie joined in, and said she +thought I was taking much too melancholy a view of it. +Gowing produced a pint sample-bottle of Madeira, which had been +given him, which he said would get rid of the blues. I dare +say it would have done so if there had been more of it; but as +Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it did not leave much for +Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 15.—A day of great +anxiety, for I expected every moment a letter from Mr. +Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening—one for +me, with “Crowbillon Hall” printed in large +gold-and-red letters on the back of the envelope; the other for +Lupin, which I felt inclined to open and read, as it had +“Gylterson, Sons, and Co. Limited,” which was the +recommended firm. I trembled as I opened Mr. +Crowbillon’s letter. I wrote him sixteen pages, +closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen lines.</p> + +<p>His letter was: “Sir,—I totally disagree with +you. Your son, in the course of five minutes’ +conversation, displayed more intelligence than your firm has done +during the last five years.—Yours faithfully, Gilbert E. +Gillam O. Crowbillon.”</p> + +<p>What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show +to Mr. Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin for anything. +The crisis had yet to come; for Lupin arrived, and, opening his +letter, showed a cheque for £25 as a commission for the +recommendation of Mr. Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. Perkupp is +evidently lost for ever. Cummings and Gowing both called, +and both took Lupin’s part. Cummings went so far as +to say that Lupin would make a name yet. I suppose I was +melancholy, for I could only ask: “Yes, but what sort of a +name?”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 16.—I told Mr. Perkupp +the contents of the letter in a modified form, but Mr. Perkupp +said: “Pray don’t discuss the matter; it is at an +end. Your son will bring his punishment upon +himself.” I went home in the evening, thinking of the +hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in most extravagant +spirits and in evening dress. He threw a letter on the +table for me to read.</p> + +<p>To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely +engaged Lupin at a salary of £200 a year, with other +advantages. I read the letter through three times and +thought it must have been for me. But there it +was—Lupin Pooter—plain enough. I was +silent. Lupin said: “What price Perkupp now? +You take my tip, Guv.—‘off’ with Perkupp and +freeze on to Gylterson, the firm of the future! +Perkupp’s firm? The stagnant dummies have been +standing still for years, and now are moving back. I want +to go on. In fact I must go <i>off</i>, as I am dining with +the Murray Poshs to-night.”</p> + +<p>In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his +stick, gave a loud war “Whoo-oop,” jumped over a +chair, and took the liberty of rumpling my hair all over my +forehead, and bounced out of the room, giving me no chance of +reminding him of his age and the respect which was due to his +parent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening, and +positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting +Lupin.</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “I always said he would get on, and, take +my word, he has more in his head than we three put +together.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said: “He is a second Hardfur Huttle.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs. +James (of Sutton) visits us again and introduces “Spiritual +Séances.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 26, Sunday.—We went to +Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea with Mr. and Mrs. +James. I had no appetite, having dined well at two, and the +entire evening was spoiled by little Percy—their only +son—who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child.</p> + +<p>Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my +shins. He hurt me once so much that the tears came into my +eyes. I gently remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said: +“Please don’t scold him; I do not believe in being +too severe with young children. You spoil their +character.”</p> + +<p>Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie +tried to pacify him, he slapped her face.</p> + +<p>I was so annoyed, I said: “That is not my idea of +bringing up children, Mrs. James.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said. “People have different ideas of +bringing up children—even your son Lupin is not the +standard of perfection.”</p> + +<p>A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his +lap. The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. +Mezzini, saying: “I don’t like you—you’ve +got a dirty face.”</p> + +<p>A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by +the wrist and said: “Come here, dear, and listen to +this.”</p> + +<p>He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch +strike six.</p> + +<p>To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced +it down upon the ground like one would a ball.</p> + +<p>Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily +get a new glass put in, and did not suppose the works were +damaged.</p> + +<p>To show you how people’s opinions differ, Carrie said +the child was bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its +looks, for it was—in her mind—an unquestionably +beautiful child.</p> + +<p>I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier +child myself. That is <i>my</i> opinion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 30.—I don’t know +why it is, but I never anticipate with any pleasure the visits to +our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton. She is coming again to +stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as I +was leaving: “I wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. James +better than I do.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said: “So do I, dear; but as for years I have had +to put up with Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who +is kind but most uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won’t +mind the occasional visits of Mrs. James, who has more intellect +in her little finger than both your friends have in their entire +bodies.”</p> + +<p>I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear +old friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the ’bus +coming, I left with a hurried kiss—a little too hurried, +perhaps, for my upper lip came in contact with Carrie’s +teeth and slightly cut it. It was quite painful for an hour +afterwards. When I came home in the evening I found Carrie +buried in a book on Spiritualism, called <i>There is no +Birth</i>, by Florence Singleyet. I need scarcely say the +book was sent her to read by Mrs. James, of Sutton. As she +had not a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of the +evening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning to show +signs of wear at the edges.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the +entire management of everything. Finding that she and +Carrie were making some preparations for table-turning, I thought +it time really to put my foot down. I have always had the +greatest contempt for such nonsense, and put an end to it years +ago when Carrie, at our old house, used to have séances +every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who is now dead). If I +could see any use in it, I would not care. As I stopped it +in the days gone by, I determined to do so now.</p> + +<p>I said: “I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally +disapprove of it, apart from the fact that I receive my old +friends on this evening.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said: “Do you mean to say you haven’t +read <i>There is no Birth</i>?” I said: “No, +and I have no intention of doing so.” Mrs. James +seemed surprised and said: “All the world is going mad over +the book.” I responded rather cleverly: “Let +it. There will be one sane man in it, at all +events.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people +were all as prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the +electric telegraph or the telephone.</p> + +<p>I said that was quite a different thing.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said sharply: “In what way, pray—in +what way?”</p> + +<p>I said: “In many ways.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said: “Well, mention <i>one</i> +way.”</p> + +<p>I replied quietly: “Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to +discuss the matter. I am not interested in it.”</p> + +<p>Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, +for which I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this +foolish table-turning. But I was entirely mistaken; for, on +the subject being opened again, Cummings said he was most +interested in Spiritualism, although he was bound to confess he +did not believe much in it; still, he was willing to be +convinced.</p> + +<p>I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that +my presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in the +parlour at a small round table which they had taken out of the +drawing-room. I walked into the hall with the ultimate +intention of taking a little stroll. As I opened the door, +who should come in but Gowing!</p> + +<p>On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join +the circle and he would go into a trance. He added that he +<i>knew</i> a few things about old Cummings, and would +<i>invent</i> a few about Mrs. James. Knowing how dangerous +Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in any such foolish +performance. Sarah asked me if she could go out for half an +hour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be more +comfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the cold +drawing-room. We talked a good deal about Lupin and Mr. and +Mrs. Murray Posh, with whom he is as usual spending the +evening. Gowing said: “I say, it wouldn’t be a +bad thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket.”</p> + +<p>My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very +sternly for joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the +night thinking of it—the other half was spent in nightmares +on the same subject.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 31.—I wrote a stern +letter to the laundress. I was rather pleased with the +letter, for I thought it very satirical. I said: “You +have returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps +you will return either the colour or the value of the +handkerchiefs.” I shall be rather curious to know +what she will have to say.</p> + +<p>More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said last +night was in a measure successful, and they ought to sit +again. Cummings came in, and seemed interested. I had +the gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the steps, and repaired +the cornice, which has been a bit of an eyesore to me. In a +fit of unthinkingness—if I may use such an +expression,—I gave the floor over the parlour, where the +séance was taking place, two loud raps with the +hammer. I felt sorry afterwards, for it was the sort of +ridiculous, foolhardy thing that Gowing or Lupin would have +done.</p> + +<p>However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared +that a message came through the table to her of a wonderful +description, concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, +and who was quite unknown to the others.</p> + +<p>When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit +to-morrow night, to oblige her. She said it seemed rather +unkind and unsociable on my part. I promised I would sit +once.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 1.—I sat reluctantly at +the table in the evening, and I am bound to admit some curious +things happened. I contend they were coincidences, but they +were curious. For instance, the table kept tilting towards +me, which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask the +spirit a question. I obeyed the rules, and I asked the +spirit (who said her name was Lina) if she could tell me the name +of an old aunt of whom I was thinking, and whom we used to call +Aunt Maggie. The table spelled out C A T. We could +make nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that her +second name was Catherine, which it was evidently trying to +spell. I don’t think even Carrie knew this. But +if she did, she would never cheat. I must admit it was +curious. Several other things happened, and I consented to +sit at another séance on Monday.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 3.—The laundress called, +and said she was very sorry about the handkerchiefs, and returned +ninepence. I said, as the colour was completely washed out +and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence was not +enough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs +originally only cost sixpence, for she remembered buying them at a +sale at the Holloway <i>Bon Marché</i>. In that +case, I insisted that threepence should be returned to the +laundress. Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for a few +days. I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it. +Carrie said I was ridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Posh +was very fond of Lupin, who, after all, was only a mere boy.</p> + +<p>In the evening we had another séance, which, in some +respects, was very remarkable, although the first part of it was +a little doubtful. Gowing called, as well as Cummings, and +begged to be allowed to join the circle. I wanted to +object, but Mrs. James, who appears a good Medium (that is, if +there is anything in it at all), thought there might be a little +more spirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of us sat +down.</p> + +<p>The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get +my hands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began +moving quickly across the room. Gowing shouted out: +“Way oh! steady, lad, steady!” I told Gowing if +he could not behave himself I should light the gas, and put an +end to the séance.</p> + +<p>To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I +hinted as much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table +go right off the ground. The spirit Lina came again, and +said, “WARN” three or four times, and declined to +explain. Mrs. James said “Lina” was stubborn +sometimes. She often behaved like that, and the best thing +to do was to send her away.</p> + +<p>She then hit the table sharply, and said: “Go away, +Lina; you are disagreeable. Go away!” I should +think we sat nearly three-quarters of an hour with nothing +happening. My hands felt quite cold, and I suggested we +should stop the séance. Carrie and Mrs. James, as +well as Cummings, would not agree to it. In about ten +minutes’ time there was some tilting towards me. I +gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O F. As I have +heard both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could hear +Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the +table. He denied it; but, I regret to say, I did not +believe him.</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “Perhaps it means ‘Spook,’ a +ghost.”</p> + +<p>I said: “<i>You</i> know it doesn’t mean anything +of the sort.”</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “Oh! very well—I’m sorry I +‘spook,’” and he rose from the table.</p> + +<p>No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James +suggested he should sit out for a while. Gowing consented +and sat in the arm-chair.</p> + +<p>The table began to move again, and we might have had a +wonderful séance but for Gowing’s stupid +interruptions. In answer to the alphabet from Carrie the +table spelt “NIPUL,” then the “WARN” +three times. We could not think what it meant till Cummings +pointed out that “NIPUL” was Lupin spelled +backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie was +particularly excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible was +going to happen.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James asked if “Lina” was the spirit. +The table replied firmly, “No,” and the spirit would +not give his or her name. We then had the message, +“NIPUL will be very rich.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word +“WARN” was again spelt out. The table then +began to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs. James, who +spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell its +name. It first spelled “DRINK.”</p> + +<p>Gowing here said: “Ah! that’s more in my +line.”</p> + +<p>I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be +completed.</p> + +<p>The table then spelt “WATER.”</p> + +<p>Gowing here interrupted again, and said: “Ah! +that’s <i>not</i> in my line. <i>Outside</i> if you +like, but not inside.”</p> + +<p>Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.</p> + +<p>The table then spelt “CAPTAIN,” and Mrs. James +startled us by crying out, “Captain Drinkwater, a very old +friend of my father’s, who has been dead some +years.”</p> + +<p>This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that +after all there must be something in Spiritualism.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the +word “Warn” as applied to “NIPUL.” +The alphabet was given again, and we got the word +“BOSH.”</p> + +<p>Gowing here muttered: “So it is.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as +Captain Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have +used the word in answer to a lady’s question. +Accordingly the alphabet was given again.</p> + +<p>This time the table spelled distinctly +“POSH.” We all thought of Mrs. Murray Posh and +Lupin. Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as it +was getting late we broke up the circle.</p> + +<p>We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. +James’ last night in town. We also determined +<i>not</i> to have Gowing present.</p> + +<p>Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, +but he wished the spirits would say something about him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 4.—Quite looking forward +to the séance this evening. Was thinking of it all +the day at the office.</p> + +<p>Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing +entering without knocking.</p> + +<p>He said: “I am not going to stop, but I have brought +with me a sealed envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. +Pooter. In that sealed envelope is a strip of paper on +which I have asked a simple question. If the spirits can +answer that question, I will believe in Spiritualism.”</p> + +<p>I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said: “Oh no! it is of common occurrence for +the spirits to answer questions under such conditions—and +even for them to write on locked slates. It is quite worth +trying. If ‘Lina’ is in a good temper, she is +certain to do it.”</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “All right; then I shall be a firm +believer. I shall perhaps drop in about half-past nine or +ten, and hear the result.”</p> + +<p>He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to +know something about some undertaking in which he was concerned, +but he could get no answer of any description whatever—at +which he said he was very disappointed and was afraid there was +not much in table-turning after all. I thought this rather +selfish of him. The séance was very similar to the +one last night, almost the same in fact. So we turned to +the letter. “Lina” took a long time answering +the question, but eventually spelt out “ROSES, LILIES, AND +COWS.” There was great rocking of the table at this +time, and Mrs. James said: “If that is Captain Drinkwater, +let us ask him the answer as well?”</p> + +<p>It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave +the same identical answer: “ROSES, LILIES, AND +COWS.”</p> + +<p>I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the +seal, or the disappointment we felt on reading the question, to +which the answer was so inappropriate. The question was, +“<i>What’s old Pooter’s age</i>?”</p> + +<p>This quite decided me.</p> + +<p>As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I +would again.</p> + +<p>I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm +when driven to it.</p> + +<p>I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: “This is the last +of this nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof. +I regret I permitted myself to be a party to such +tomfoolery. If there is anything in it—which I +doubt—it is nothing of any good, and I <i>won’t have +it again</i>. That is enough.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said: “I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather +over-stepping—”</p> + +<p>I said: “Hush, madam. I am master of this +house—please understand that.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was +mistaken in. I was in such a rage I could not quite catch +what she said. But if I thought she said what it sounded +like, she should never enter the house again.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXIII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new +apartments, and hear some extraordinary information respecting +the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. Meet Miss Lilian Posh. +Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. Important.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 1.—I find, on looking +over my diary, nothing of any consequence has taken place during +the last month. To-day we lose Lupin, who has taken +furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. and Mrs. +Murray Posh, at two guineas a week. I think this is most +extravagant of him, as it is half his salary. Lupin says +one never loses by a good address, and, to use his own +expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit “off.” +Whether he means it is “far off” I do not know. +I have long since given up trying to understand his curious +expressions. I said the neighbourhood had always been good +enough for his parents. His reply was: “It is no +question of being good or bad. There is no money in it, and +I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs.”</p> + +<p>We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by +himself, and there may be some truth in his remark that an old +and a young horse can’t pull together in the same cart.</p> + +<p>Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, +and like old times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he +occasionally suffered from what he could not +help—youth.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 2.—Cummings called, +looked very pale, and said he had been very ill again, and of +course not a single friend had been near him. Carrie said +she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy of the +<i>Bicycle News</i> on the table, with the following paragraph: +“We regret to hear that that favourite old roadster, Mr. +Cummings (‘Long’ Cummings), has met with what might +have been a serious accident in Rye Lane. A mischievous boy +threw a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and +the machine overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily +to the ground. Fortunately he was more frightened than +hurt, but we missed his merry face at the dinner at Chingford, +where they turned up in good numbers. ‘Long’ +Cummings’ health was proposed by our popular Vice, Mr. +Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein said +it was a case of ‘<i>Cumming</i>(s) thro’ the +<i>Rye</i>, but fortunately there was more <i>wheel</i> than +<i>woe</i>,’ a joke which created roars of +laughter.”</p> + +<p>We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay +to supper. Cummings said it was like old times being +without Lupin, and he was much better away.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 3, Sunday.—In the +afternoon, as I was looking out of the parlour window, which was +open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with a gentleman seated by +the side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to be +seen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back of it +violently against the sharp edge of the window-sash. I was +nearly stunned. There was a loud double-knock at the front +door; Carrie rushed out of the parlour, upstairs to her room, and +I followed, as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp. I thought +it was Mr. Franching.—I whispered to Sarah over the +banisters: “Show them into the drawing-room.” +Sarah said, as the shutters were not opened, the room would smell +musty. There was another loud rat-tat. I whispered: +“Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr. Pooter will +be down directly.” I changed my coat, but could not +see to do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass.</p> + +<p>Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. +Lupin.</p> + +<p>This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and +Lupin met me with the remark: “I say, what did you run away +from the window for? Did we frighten you?”</p> + +<p>I foolishly said: “What window?”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Oh, you know. Shut it. You +looked as if you were playing at Punch and Judy.”</p> + +<p>On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: +“Oh, I think Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can +do with a B. and S.”</p> + +<p>I said: “I am afraid we have no soda.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Don’t bother about that. You +just trip out and hold the horse; I don’t think Sarah +understands it.”</p> + +<p>They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin +said: “I want you both to come and dine with me next +Wednesday, and see my new place. Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, +Miss Posh (Murray’s sister) are coming. Eight +o’clock sharp. No one else.”</p> + +<p>I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would +like the dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got +home.</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Rats! You must get used to it. +If it comes to that, Daisy and I can drive you home.”</p> + +<p>We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the +familiar way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is +reprehensible. Anybody would think they had been children +together. I certainly should object to a six months’ +acquaintance calling <i>my</i> wife “Carrie,” and +driving out with her.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 4.—Lupin’s rooms +looked very nice; but the dinner was, I thought, a little too +grand, especially as he commenced with champagne straight +off. I also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr. +and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on full +evening dress. Knowing that the dinner was only for us six, +we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair. I had no +appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight before we +sat down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a hearty +meal. I had a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling +famished, and I expect that partly spoiled my appetite.</p> + +<p>We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called +“Lillie Girl,” as if he had known her all his +life. She was very tall, rather plain, and I thought she +was a little painted round the eyes. I hope I am wrong; but +she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were black. +She looked about thirty. I did not like the way she kept +giggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching him. Then her +laugh was a sort of a scream that went right through my ears, all +the more irritating because there was nothing to laugh at. +In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with +her. They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including +Miss Posh, who startled Carrie by saying: “Don’t you +smoke, dear?” I answered for Carrie, and said: +“Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet,” +whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat +what I have said before—she does <i>not</i> sing in tune; +but Lupin sat by the side of the piano, gazing into her eyes the +whole time. If I had been Mr. Posh, I think I should have +had something to say about it. Mr. Posh made himself very +agreeable to us, and eventually sent us home in his carriage, +which I thought most kind. He is evidently very rich, for +Mrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery. She told Carrie +her necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday present, +alone cost £300.</p> + +<p>Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he +would make rapid way in the world.</p> + +<p>I could not help thinking of the £600 Mr. Posh lost over +the <i>Parachikka Chlorates</i> through Lupin’s advice.</p> + +<p>During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and +expressed a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his +means.</p> + +<p>Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands. +“Posh’s one-price hat” was a household word in +Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all the big towns +throughout England. Lupin further informed me that Mr. Posh +was opening branch establishments at New York, Sydney, and +Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and +Johannesburg.</p> + +<p>I said I was pleased to hear it.</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Why, he has settled over £10,000 on +Daisy, and the same amount on ‘Lillie Girl.’ If +at any time I wanted a little capital, he would put up a couple +of ‘thou’ at a day’s notice, and could buy up +Perkupp’s firm over his head at any moment with ready +cash.”</p> + +<p>On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my +life, I was inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money +was <i>not</i> properly divided.</p> + +<p>On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom +cab, which had been waiting for me for two hours with a +letter. Sarah said she did not know what to do, as we had +not left the address where we had gone. I trembled as I +opened the letter, fearing it was some bad news about Mr. +Perkupp. The note was: “Dear Mr. Pooter,—Come +down to the Victoria Hotel without delay. Important. +Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle.”</p> + +<p>I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman +replied that it was <i>not</i>; for his instructions were, if I +happened to be out, he was to wait till I came home. I felt +very tired, and really wanted to go to bed. I reached the +hotel at a quarter before midnight. I apologised for being +so late, but Mr. Huttle said: “Not at all; come and have a +few oysters.” I feel my heart beating as I write +these words. To be brief, Mr. Huttle said he had a rich +American friend who wanted to do something large in our line of +business, and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to +him. We talked over the matter. If, by any happy +chance, the result be successful, I can more than compensate my +dear master for the loss of Mr. Crowbillon’s custom. +Mr. Huttle had previously said: “The glorious +‘Fourth’ is a lucky day for America, and, as it has +not yet struck twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of the +best wine to be had in the place, and drink good luck to our bit +of business.”</p> + +<p>I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.</p> + +<p>It was two o’clock when I got home. Although I was +so tired, I could not sleep except for short intervals—then +only to dream.</p> + +<p>I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. The +latter was in a lovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkupp +was waiting in the room. Mr. Huttle kept taking off this +crown and handing it to me, and calling me +“President.”</p> + +<p>He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept +asking Mr. Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master. +Mr. Huttle kept saying: “No, this is the White House of +Washington, and you must keep your crown, Mr. +President.”</p> + +<p>We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and +then I woke up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing +over and over again.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE LAST</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">One of the happiest days of my life.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 10.—The excitement and +anxiety through which I have gone the last few days have been +almost enough to turn my hair grey. It is all but +settled. To-morrow the die will be cast. I have +written a long letter to Lupin—feeling it my duty to do +so,—regarding his attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove up +to our house again last night.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 11.—I find my eyes +filling with tears as I pen the note of my interview this morning +with Mr. Perkupp. Addressing me, he said: “My +faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you +have done our firm. You can never be sufficiently +thanked. Let us change the subject. Do you like your +house, and are you happy where you are?”</p> + +<p>I replied: “Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the +neighbourhood, and could not bear to leave it.”</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: “Mr. Pooter, I will +purchase the freehold of that house, and present it to the most +honest and most worthy man it has ever been my lot to +meet.”</p> + +<p>He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be +spared many years to enjoy it. My heart was too full to +thank him; and, seeing my embarrassment, the good fellow said: +“You need say nothing, Mr. Pooter,” and left the +office.</p> + +<p>I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I +have never done before), and asked the two latter to come round +to supper.</p> + +<p>On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent +Sarah round to the grocer’s to get two bottles of +“Jackson Frères.”</p> + +<p>My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post +brought a letter from Lupin in reply to mine. I read it +aloud to them all. It ran: “My dear old +Guv.,—Keep your hair on. You are on the wrong tack +again. I am engaged to be married to ‘Lillie +Girl.’ I did not mention it last Thursday, as it was +not definitely settled. We shall be married in August, and +amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing and +Cummings. 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Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Diary of a Nobody + +Author: George Grossmith and Weedon Grossmith + +Release Date: August, 1997 [EBook #1026] +[This file was first posted on June 27, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 23, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE DIARY OF A NOBODY *** + + + + +Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + +The Diary of a Nobody + + + + +INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER + + + +Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences +of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see--because I +do not happen to be a 'Somebody'--why my diary should not be +interesting. My only regret is that I did not commence it when I +was a youth. + +Charles Pooter +The Laurels, +Brickfield Terrace +Holloway. + + + +CHAPTER I + + + +We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary. +Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The Curate calls +and pays me a great compliment. + + +My clear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house, +"The Laurels," Brickfield Terrace, Holloway--a nice six-roomed +residence, not counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. +We have a little front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps +up to the front door, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the +chain up. Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always +come to the little side entrance, which saves the servant the +trouble of going up to the front door, thereby taking her from her +work. We have a nice little back garden which runs down to the +railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of the trains at +first, but the landlord said we should not notice them after a bit, +and took 2 pounds off the rent. He was certainly right; and beyond +the cracking of the garden wall at the bottom, we have suffered no +inconvenience. + +After my work in the City, I like to be at home. What's the good +of a home, if you are never in it? "Home, Sweet Home," that's my +motto. I am always in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may +drop in without ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. My +dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them, if they like to +drop in on us. But Carrie and I can manage to pass our evenings +together without friends. There is always something to be done: a +tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put straight, a fan to nail up, +or part of a carpet to nail down--all of which I can do with my +pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not above putting a button on a +shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the "Sylvia Gavotte" on +our new cottage piano (on the three years' system), manufactured by +W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard (in very +large letters). It is also a great comfort to us to know that our +boy Willie is getting on so well in the Bank at Oldham. We should +like to see more of him. Now for my diary:- + + +April 3.--Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson, +the ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools. +By-the-by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and +the bells must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the +front door rings up in the servant's bedroom, which is ridiculous. +Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but wouldn't stay, saying there was +an infernal smell of paint. + +April 4. Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to +deal with Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean +shop. Ordered a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a +trial. Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a +pound of fresh butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for +kitchen, and a shilling's worth of eggs. In the evening, Cummings +unexpectedly dropped in to show me a meerschaum pipe he had won in +a raffle in the City, and told me to handle it carefully, as it +would spoil the colouring if the hand was moist. He said he +wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for the smell of the paint, +and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper +removed, or else I shall get into a SCRAPE. I don't often make +jokes. + +April 5.--Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged +with another butcher without consulting me. Gowing called, and +fell over scraper coming in. MUST get that scraper removed. + +April 6.--Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back to +Borset with my compliments, and he needn't call any more for +orders. Couldn't find umbrella, and though it was pouring with +rain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took +it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the 'all that +didn't belong to nobody. In the evening, hearing someone talking +in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs hall, I went out +to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was Borset, the +butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. Borset, on seeing me, +said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any +more--the game wasn't worth the candle. I restrained my feelings, +and quietly remarked that I thought it was POSSIBLE for a city +clerk to be a GENTLEMAN. He replied he was very glad to hear it, +and wanted to know whether I had ever come across one, for HE +hadn't. He left the house, slamming the door after him, which +nearly broke the fanlight; and I heard him fall over the scraper, +which made me feel glad I hadn't removed it. When he had gone, I +thought of a splendid answer I ought to have given him. However, I +will keep it for another occasion. + +April 7.--Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, and +putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the +office were absent through illness, and I did not get home till +seven. Found Borset waiting. He had been three times during the +day to apologise for his conduct last night. He said he was unable +to take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last night +instead. He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of fresh +butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow; so I gave +him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request that on this +occasion they SHOULD be fresh. I am afraid we shall have to get +some new stair-carpets after all; our old ones are not quite wide +enough to meet the paint on either side. Carrie suggests that we +might ourselves broaden the paint. I will see if we can match the +colour (dark chocolate) on Monday. + +April 8, Sunday.--After Church, the Curate came back with us. I +sent Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on +special occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my +display, I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not +catch,) round the side entrance. He caught his foot in the +scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers. Most annoying, as +Carrie could not well offer to repair them on a Sunday. After +dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk round the garden, and +discovered a beautiful spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and +radishes. Went to Church again in the evening: walked back with +the Curate. Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of +trousers, only repaired. He wants me to take round the plate, +which I think a great compliment. + + + +CHAPTER II + + + +Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather +tiresome with his complaints of the paint. I make one of the best +jokes of my life. Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, +Cummings, and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me +look a fool before Cummings + + +April 9.--Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom we +decided NOT to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most +uncalled-for manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not +want my custom. I simply said: "Then what are you making all this +fuss about it for?" And he shouted out at the top of his voice, so +that all the neighbours could hear: "Pah! go along. Ugh! I could +buy up 'things' like you by the dozen!" + +I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this +disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent +kicking at the door, enough to break the panels. It was the +blackguard butcher again, who said he had cut his foot over the +scraper, and would immediately bring an action against me. Called +at Farmerson's, the ironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the +job of moving the scraper and repairing the bells, thinking it +scarcely worth while to trouble the landlord with such a trifling +matter. + +Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter and +decorator, who had sent in a card, said he could not match the +colour on the stairs, as it contained Indian carmine. He said he +spent half-a-day calling at warehouses to see if he could get it. +He suggested he should entirely repaint the stairs. It would cost +very little more; if he tried to match it, he could only make a bad +job of it. It would be more satisfactory to him and to us to have +the work done properly. I consented, but felt I had been talked +over. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and went to bed +at nine. + +April 10.--Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself. +He seems a very civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct +such small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked +him, and went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of the +young clerks are at arriving. I told three of them that if Mr. +Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be discharged. + +Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, +told me "to keep my hair on!" I informed him I had had the honour +of being in the firm twenty years, to which he insolently replied +that I "looked it." I gave him an indignant look, and said: "I +demand from you some respect, sir." He replied: "All right, go on +demanding." I would not argue with him any further. You cannot +argue with people like that. In the evening Gowing called, and +repeated his complaint about the smell of paint. Gowing is +sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and not always cautious; +and Carrie once very properly reminded him that she was present. + +April 11.--Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. To-day +was a day of annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine 'bus to the +City, through having words with the grocer's boy, who for the +second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall- +door, and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the fresh- +cleaned door-steps. He said he had knocked at the side door with +his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. I knew Sarah, our servant, +could not hear this, as she was upstairs doing the bedrooms, so +asked the boy why he did not ring the bell? He replied that he did +pull the bell, but the handle came off in his hand. + +I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never +happened to me before. There has recently been much irregularity +in the attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, +unfortunately choose this very morning to pounce down upon us +early. Someone had given the tip to the others. The result was +that I was the only one late of the lot. Buckling, one of the +senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his intervention. +As I passed by Pitt's desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour: +"How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!" This was, +of course, meant for me. I treated the observation with silence, +simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of +making both of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would have +been more dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at +all. Cummings called in the evening, and we played dominoes. + +April 12.--Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. Left +Farmerson repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three +men working. I asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in +making a fresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was +a most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it +evidently knew nothing about his business. I felt his excuse was +no consolation for the expense I shall be put to. + +In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke +together in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us later, but did +not stay long, saying the smoke was too much for her. It was also +rather too much for me, for Gowing had given me what he called a +green cigar, one that his friend Shoemach had just brought over +from America. The cigar didn't look green, but I fancy I must have +done so; for when I had smoked a little more than half I was +obliged to retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the +glasses. + +I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the +need of fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: +offered me another cigar, which I politely declined. Gowing began +his usual sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: "You're not +going to complain of the smell of paint again?" He said: "No, not +this time; but I'll tell you what, I distinctly smell dry rot." I +don't often make jokes, but I replied: "You're talking a lot of +DRY ROT yourself." I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie +said her sides quite ached with laughter. I never was so immensely +tickled by anything I have ever said before. I actually woke up +twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook. + +April 13.--An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in a +woman to make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and +sofa to prevent the sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I +saw the woman, and recognised her as a woman who used to work years +ago for my old aunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world +is. + +April 14.--Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having +this morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital +little book, in good condition, on GARDENING. I procured and sowed +some half-hardy annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny +border. I thought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came +out rather testy, I thought. I said: "I have just discovered we +have got a lodging-house." She replied: "How do you mean?" I +said: "Look at the BOARDERS." Carrie said: "Is that all you +wanted me for?" I said: "Any other time you would have laughed at +my little pleasantry." Carrie said: "Certainly--AT ANY OTHER +TIME, but not when I am busy in the house." The stairs looked very +nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked ALL RIGHT, but it +made the banisters look ALL WRONG, and suggested a coat of paint on +them also, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to +Putley, and fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let +the banisters slide. By-the-by, that is rather funny. + +April 15, Sunday.--At three o'clock Cummings and Gowing called for +a good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them +a friend named Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except +Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the +ground and cutting at the grass with his stick. + +As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and +Gowing suggested that we should make for "The Cow and Hedge" and +get some tea. Stillbrook said: "A brandy-and-soda was good enough +for him." I reminded them that all public-houses were closed till +six o'clock. Stillbrook said, "That's all right--bona-fide +travellers." + +We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the +gate said: "Where from?" I replied: "Holloway." He immediately +put up his arm, and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a +moment, when I saw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and +Gowing, make for the entrance. I watched them, and thought I would +have a good laugh at their expense, I heard the porter say: "Where +from?" When, to my surprise, in fact disgust, Stillbrook replied: +"Blackheath," and the three were immediately admitted. + +Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: "We shan't be a +minute." I waited for them the best part of an hour. When they +appeared they were all in most excellent spirits, and the only one +who made an effort to apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: +"It was very rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another +spin for S. and B.'s." I walked home in silence; I couldn't speak +to them. I felt very dull all the evening, but deemed it advisable +NOT to say anything to Carrie about the matter. + +April 16.--After business, set to work in the garden. When it got +dark I wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a +wonder; perhaps they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday's +adventure at "The Cow and Hedge." Afterwards made up my mind not +to write YET. + +April 17.--Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and +Cummings about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. +Stillbrook. Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the +letters and determined not to WRITE at all, but to SPEAK quietly to +them. Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter from Cummings, saying +that both he and Gowing had been waiting for an explanation of MY +(mind you, MY) extraordinary conduct coming home on Sunday. At +last I wrote: "I thought I was the aggrieved party; but as I +freely forgive you, you--feeling yourself aggrieved--should bestow +forgiveness on me." I have copied this verbatim in the diary, +because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful +sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but in my own +heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted. + +April 18.--Am in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the office +sneezing. In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah +out for a bottle of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and +woke with the shivers. Was startled by a loud knock at the front +door. Carrie awfully flurried. Sarah still out, so went up, +opened the door, and found it was only Cummings. Remembered the +grocer's boy had again broken the side-bell. Cummings squeezed my +hand, and said: "I've just seen Gowing. All right. Say no more +about it." There is no doubt they are both under the impression I +have apologised. + +While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: "By- +the-by, do you want any wine or spirits? My cousin Merton has just +set up in the trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in +bottle, at thirty-eight shillings. It is worth your while laying +down a few dozen of it." I told him my cellars, which were very +small, were full up. To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah +entered the room, and putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a +dirty piece of newspaper, on the table in front of us, said: +"Please, sir, the grocer says he ain't got no more Kinahan, but +you'll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned +on the bottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has +some at one-and-three, as dry as a nut!" + + + +CHAPTER III + + + +A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, of +Sutton, come up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. +Experiments with enamel paint. I make another good joke; but +Gowing and Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath +red, with unexpected result. + + +April 19.--Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton, +who is in the wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made +himself at home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him +immediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments. + +He leaned back in his chair and said: "You must take me as I am;" +and I replied: "Yes--and you must take us as we are. We're homely +people, we are not swells." + +He answered: "No, I can see that," and Gowing roared with +laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing: +"I don't think you quite understand me. I intended to convey that +our charming host and hostess were superior to the follies of +fashion, and preferred leading a simple and wholesome life to +gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drinking afternoons, and +living above their incomes." + +I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton's, +and concluded that subject by saying: "No, candidly, Mr. Merton, +we don't go into Society, because we do not care for it; and what +with the expense of cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and +white ties, etc., it doesn't seem worth the money." + +Merton said in reference to FRIENDS: "My motto is 'Few and True;' +and, by the way, I also apply that to wine, 'Little and Good.'" +Gowing said: "Yes, and sometimes 'cheap and tasty,' eh, old man?" +Merton, still continuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and +put me down for a dozen of his "Lockanbar" whisky, and as I was an +old friend of Gowing, I should have it for 36s., which was +considerably under what he paid for it. + +He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted +any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood +good for any theatre in London. + +April 20.--Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, Annie +Fullers (now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton +for a few days, it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and +would I drop a line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, +either for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote +Merton to that effect. + +April 21.--Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and +just at present couldn't manage passes for the Italian Opera, +Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London +was the Brown Bushes, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed +seats for four; also bill for whisky. + +April 23.--Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to meat +tea, and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We got a +'bus that took us to King's Cross, and then changed into one that +took us to the "Angel." Mr. James each time insisted on paying for +all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and that was quite +enough. + +We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our 'bus-load +except an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in. I walked +ahead and presented the tickets. The man looked at them, and +called out: "Mr. Willowly! do you know anything about these?" +holding up my tickets. The gentleman called to, came up and +examined my tickets, and said: "Who gave you these?" I said, +rather indignantly: "Mr. Merton, of course." He said: "Merton? +Who's he?" I answered, rather sharply: "You ought to know, his +name's good at any theatre in London." He replied: "Oh! is it? +Well, it ain't no good here. These tickets, which are not dated, +were issued under Mr. Swinstead's management, which has since +changed hands." While I was having some very unpleasant words with +the man, James, who had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out: +"Come on!" I went up after them, and a very civil attendant said: +"This way, please, box H." I said to James: "Why, how on earth +did you manage it?" and to my horror he replied: "Why, paid for it +of course." + +This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play, +but I was doomed to still further humiliation. I was leaning out +of the box, when my tie--a little black bow which fastened on to +the stud by means of a new patent--fell into the pit below. A +clumsy man not noticing it, had his foot on it for ever so long +before he discovered it. He then picked it up and eventually flung +it under the next seat in disgust. What with the box incident and +the tie, I felt quite miserable. Mr. James, of Sutton, was very +good. He said: "Don't worry--no one will notice it with your +beard. That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see." +There was no occasion for that remark, for Carrie is very proud of +my beard. + +To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest +of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck. + +April 24.--Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having +brought up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre +last night, and his having paid for a private box because our order +was not honoured, and such a poor play too. I wrote a very +satirical letter to Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the +pass, and said, "Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did +our best to appreciate the performance." I thought this line +rather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p's there were in +appreciate, and she said, "One." After I sent off the letter I +looked at the dictionary and found there were two. Awfully vexed +at this. + +Decided not to worry myself any more about the James's; for, as +Carrie wisely said, "We'll make it all right with them by asking +them up from Sutton one evening next week to play at Bezique." + +April 25.--In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was +working wonders with the new Pinkford's enamel paint, I determined +to try it. I bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened +through tea, went into the garden and painted some flower-pots. I +called out Carrie, who said: "You've always got some newfangled +craze;" but she was obliged to admit that the flower-pots looked +remarkably well. Went upstairs into the servant's bedroom and +painted her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of drawers. To my +mind it was an extraordinary improvement, but as an example of the +ignorance of the lower classes in the matter of taste, our servant, +Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said +"she thought they looked very well as they was before." + +April 26.--Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind, being +the best colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of +our Shakspeare, the binding of which had almost worn out. + +April 27.--Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the result. +Sorry to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words about it. +She said I ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of +such a thing as a bath being painted red. I replied: "It's merely +a matter of taste." + +Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice +saying, "May I come in?" It was only Cummings, who said, "Your +maid opened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as +she was wringing out some socks." I was delighted to see him, and +suggested we should have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way +of merriment said: "You can be the dummy." Cummings (I thought +rather ill-naturedly) replied: "Funny as usual." He said he +couldn't stop, he only called to leave me the Bicycle News, as he +had done with it. + +Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he "must +apologise for coming so often, and that one of these days we must +come round to HIM." I said: "A very extraordinary thing has +struck me." "Something funny, as usual," said Cummings. "Yes," I +replied; "I think even you will say so this time. It's concerning +you both; for doesn't it seem odd that Gowing's always coming and +Cummings' always going?" Carrie, who had evidently quite forgotten +about the bath, went into fits of laughter, and as for myself, I +fairly doubled up in my chair, till it cracked beneath me. I think +this was one of the best jokes I have ever made. + +Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing +perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces. After rather +an unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed +it up again and said: "Yes--I think, after that, I SHALL be going, +and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes." Gowing said +he didn't mind a joke when it wasn't rude, but a pun on a name, to +his thinking, was certainly a little wanting in good taste. +Cummings followed it up by saying, if it had been said by anyone +else but myself, he shouldn't have entered the house again. This +rather unpleasantly terminated what might have been a cheerful +evening. However, it was as well they went, for the charwoman had +finished up the remains of the cold pork. + +April 28.--At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, who +was very impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again. I told +him it would be my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To +my surprise, Pitt apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly +fashion. I was unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in +his manner towards me, and told him I would look over his +unpunctuality. Passing down the room an hour later. I received a +smart smack in the face from a rolled-up ball of hard foolscap. I +turned round sharply, but all the clerks were apparently riveted to +their work. I am not a rich man, but I would give half-a-sovereign +to know whether that was thrown by accident or design. Went home +early and bought some more enamel paint--black this time--and spent +the evening touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair +of boots, making them look as good as new. Also painted Gowing's +walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it look like ebony. + +April 29, Sunday.--Woke up with a fearful headache and strong +symptoms of a cold. Carrie, with a perversity which is just like +her, said it was "painter's colic," and was the result of my having +spent the last few days with my nose over a paint-pot. I told her +firmly that I knew a great deal better what was the matter with me +than she did. I had got a chill, and decided to have a bath as hot +as I could bear it. Bath ready--could scarcely bear it so hot. I +persevered, and got in; very hot, but very acceptable. I lay still +for some time. + +On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced the +greatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for +imagine my horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of +blood. My first thought was that I had ruptured an artery, and was +bleeding to death, and should be discovered, later on, looking like +a second Marat, as I remember seeing him in Madame Tussaud's. My +second thought was to ring the bell, but remembered there was no +bell to ring. My third was, that there was nothing but the enamel +paint, which had dissolved with boiling water. I stepped out of +the bath, perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I have +seen depicted at an East-End theatre. I determined not to say a +word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and paint +the bath white. + + + +CHAPTER IV + + + +The ball at the Mansion House. + + +April 30.--Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for +Carrie and myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion +House, to "meet the Representatives of Trades and Commerce." My +heart beat like that of a schoolboy's. Carrie and I read the +invitation over two or three times. I could scarcely eat my +breakfast. I said--and I felt it from the bottom of my heart,-- +"Carrie darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the aisle of +the church on our wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if not +surpassed, when I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady +Mayoress at the Mansion House." I saw the tears in Carrie's eyes, +and she said: "Charlie dear, it is _I_ who have to be proud of +you. And I am very, very proud of you. You have called me pretty; +and as long as I am pretty in your eyes, I am happy. You, dear old +Charlie, are not handsome, but you are GOOD, which is far more +noble." I gave her a kiss, and she said: "I wonder if there will +be any dancing? I have not danced with you for years." + +I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the +waist, and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of +polka when Sarah entered, grinning, and said: "There is a man, +mum, at the door who wants to know if you want any good coals." +Most annoyed at this. Spent the evening in answering, and tearing +up again, the reply to the Mansion House, having left word with +Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called we were not at home. Must +consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor's invitation. + +May 1.--Carrie said: "I should like to send mother the invitation +to look at." I consented, as soon as I had answered it. I told +Mr. Perkupp, at the office, with a feeling of pride, that we had +received an invitation to the Mansion House; and he said, to my +astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lord Mayor's +secretary. I felt this rather discounted the value of the +invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply to me, he described how +I was to answer it. I felt the reply was too simple; but of course +Mr. Perkupp knows best. + +May 2.--Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor's +round the corner, to have the creases taken out. Told Gowing not +to call next Monday, as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent +similar note to Cummings. + +May 3.--Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about her +dress for next Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one +of our head clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: "Oh, I'm +asked, but don't think I shall go." When a vulgar man like Spotch +is asked, I feel my invitation is considerably discounted. In the +evening, while I was out, the little tailor brought round my coat +and trousers, and because Sarah had not a shilling to pay for the +pressing, he took them away again. + +May 4.--Carrie's mother returned the Lord Mayor's invitation, which +was sent to her to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass +of port over it. I was too angry to say anything. + +May 5.--Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and +two white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying. + +May 6, Sunday.--A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to say, +I twice thought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow. + +May 7.--A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor's reception. +The whole house upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as +Carrie wanted the room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from +Sutton to help Carrie; so I could not help thinking it unreasonable +that she should require the entire attention of Sarah, the servant, +as well. Sarah kept running out of the house to fetch "something +for missis," and several times I had, in my full evening-dress, to +answer the back-door. + +The last time it was the greengrocer's boy, who, not seeing it was +me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two +cabbages and half-a-dozen coal-blocks. I indignantly threw them on +the ground, and felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to +box the boy's ears. He went away crying, and said he should +summons me, a thing I would not have happen for the world. In the +dark, I stepped on a piece of the cabbage, which brought me down on +the flags all of a heap. For a moment I was stunned, but when I +recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking +into the chimney-glass discovered that my chin was bleeding, my +shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at the +knee. + +However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed +in the drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin, +and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine +o'clock Carrie swept into the room, looking like a queen. Never +have I seen her look so lovely, or so distinguished. She was +wearing a satin dress of sky-blue--my favourite colour--and a piece +of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders, to give a +finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long behind, +and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it was a la +mode. Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of ivory +with red feathers, the value of which, she said, was priceless, as +the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle--a bird now extinct. I +preferred the little white fan which Carrie bought for three-and- +six at Shoolbred's, but both ladies sat on me at once. + +We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather +fortunate, for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, +who graciously condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I +must say I was disappointed to find he did not even know Mr. +Perkupp, our principal. + +I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who +did not know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall +never forget the grand sight. My humble pen can never describe it. +I was a little annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying: "Isn't it a +pity we don't know anybody?" + +Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked like +Franching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized +me by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly: "Don't leave me," +which caused an elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain +round him, and two ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an +immense crowd in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid +supper--any amount of champagne. + +Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I +sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she +did not taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving +a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw +Farmerson, our ironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way: +"This is better than Brickfield Terrace, eh?" I simply looked at +him, and said coolly: "I never expected to see you here." He +said, with a loud, coarse laugh: "I like that--if YOU, why not +ME?" I replied: "Certainly," I wish I could have thought of +something better to say. He said: "Can I get your good lady +anything?" Carrie said: "No, I thank you," for which I was +pleased. I said, by way of reproof to him: "You never sent to-day +to paint the bath, as I requested." Farmerson said: "Pardon me, +Mr. Pooter, no shop when we're in company, please." + +Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court +costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old +friend, and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I was +astonished. For full five minutes they stood roaring with +laughter, and stood digging each other in the ribs. They kept +telling each other they didn't look a day older. They began +embracing each other and drinking champagne. + +To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member of +our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson +seized me rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff, +said: "Let me introduce my neighbour, Pooter." He did not even +say "Mister." The sheriff handed me a glass of champagne. I felt, +after all, it was a great honour to drink a glass of wine with him, +and I told him so. We stood chatting for some time, and at last I +said: "You must excuse me now if I join Mrs. Pooter." When I +approached her, she said: "Don't let me take you away from +friends. I am quite happy standing here alone in a crowd, knowing +nobody!" + +As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time +nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: "I hope +my darling little wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of +saying we had danced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord +Mayor." Finding the dancing after supper was less formal, and +knowing how much Carrie used to admire my dancing in the days gone +by, I put my arm round her waist and we commenced a waltz. + +A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new pair of +boots. Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie's advice; namely, +to scratch the soles of them with the points of the scissors or to +put a little wet on them. I had scarcely started when, like +lightning, my left foot slipped away and I came down, the side of +my head striking the floor with such violence that for a second or +two I did not know what had happened. I needly hardly say that +Carrie fell with me with equal violence, breaking the comb in her +hair and grazing her elbow. + +There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when +people found that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman +assisted Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly +on the danger of having a plain polished floor with no carpet or +drugget to prevent people slipping. The gentleman, who said his +name was Darwitts, insisted on escorting Carrie to have a glass of +wine, an invitation which I was pleased to allow Carrie to accept. + +I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud +voice "Oh, are you the one who went down?" + +I answered with an indignant look. + +With execrable taste, he said: "Look here, old man, we are too old +for this game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. Come +and have another glass, that is more in our line." + +Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed +the others into the supper-room. + +Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined +to stay longer. As we were departing, Farmerson said: "Are you +going? if so, you might give me a lift." + +I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted +Carrie. + + + +CHAPTER V + + + +After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing also +offended. A pleasant party at the Cummings'. Mr. Franching, of +Peckham, visits us. + + +May 8.--I woke up with a most terrible head-ache. I could scarcely +see, and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick. I +thought first of sending for a doctor; but I did not think it +necessary. When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish's, the +chemist, who gave me a draught. So bad at the office, had to get +leave to come home. Went to another chemist in the City, and I got +a draught. Brownish's dose seems to have made me worse; have eaten +nothing all day. To make matters worse, Carrie, every time I spoke +to her, answered me sharply--that is, when she answered at all. + +In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: "I do +believe I've been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the Mansion +House last night;" she simply replied, without taking her eyes from +her sewing: "Champagne never did agree with you." I felt +irritated, and said: "What nonsense you talk; I only had a glass +and a half, and you know as well as I do--" Before I could +complete the sentence she bounced out of the room. I sat over an +hour waiting for her to return; but as she did not, I determined I +would go to bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even +saying "good-night"; leaving me to bar the scullery door and feed +the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning. + +May 9.--Still a little shaky, with black specks. The Blackfriars +Bi-weekly News contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion +House Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though +Farmerson's is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever +that may mean. More than vexed, because we had ordered a dozen +copies to send to our friends. Wrote to the Blackfriars Bi-weekly +News, pointing out their omission. + +Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. I +helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and +quietly: "Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last +night." + +She replied, "Indeed! and I desire something more than a little +explanation of your conduct the night before." + +I said, coolly: "Really, I don't understand you." + +Carrie said sneeringly: "Probably not; you were scarcely in a +condition to understand anything." + +I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: +"Caroline!" + +She said: "Don't be theatrical, it has no effect on me. Reserve +that tone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger." + +I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never +seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said: "Now I'M +going to say something! After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, +you permit him to snub YOU, in my presence, and then accept his +invitation to take a glass of champagne with you, and you don't +limit yourself to one glass. You then offer this vulgar man, who +made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the +way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in +the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James's expensive fan, which you +knocked out of my hand, and for which he never even apologised; but +you smoked all the way home without having the decency to ask my +permission. That is not all! At the end of the journey, although +he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of the cab, you +asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, from my +manner, that his company was not desirable." + +Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make +matters worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two +hats on his head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with +Carrie's fur tippet (which he had taken off the downstairs hall- +peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a loud, coarse voice: +"His Royal Highness, the Lord Mayor!" He marched twice round the +room like a buffoon, and finding we took no notice, said: "Hulloh! +what's up? Lovers' quarrel, eh?" + +There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: "My dear +Gowing, I'm not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking; +especially when you enter the room without knocking, an act which I +fail to see the fun of." + +Gowing said: "I'm very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I +thought you would have sent round." I handed him his stick, which +I remembered I had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to +improve it. He looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression +and said: "Who did this?" + +I said: "Eh, did what?" + +He said: "Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to my +poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world! +I'll know who did it." + +I said: "I'm very sorry. I dare say it will come off. I did it +for the best." + +Gowing said: "Then all I can say is, it's a confounded liberty; +and I WOULD add, you're a bigger fool than you look, only THAT'S +absolutely impossible." + +May 12.--Got a single copy of the Blackfriars Bi-weekly News. +There was a short list of several names they had omitted; but the +stupid people had mentioned our names as "Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter." +Most annoying! Wrote again and I took particular care to write our +name in capital letters, POOTER, so that there should be no +possible mistake this time. + +May 16.--Absolutely disgusted on opening the Blackfriars Bi-weekly +News of to-day, to find the following paragraph: "We have received +two letters from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to +announce the important fact that they were at the Mansion House +Ball." I tore up the paper and threw it in the waste-paper basket. +My time is far too valuable to bother about such trifles. + +May 21.--The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being away +at Mrs. James's, at Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I +presume, is still offended with me for black enamelling his stick +without asking him. + +May 22.--Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost +seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it +round with nice note to Gowing. + +May 23.--Received strange note from Gowing; he said: "Offended? +not a bit, my boy--I thought you were offended with me for losing +my temper. Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old +uncle's stick you painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought +at a tobacconist's. However, I am much obliged to you for your +handsome present all same." + +May 24.--Carrie back. Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except +that the sun has caught her nose. + +May 25.--Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to +take them to Trillip's round the corner. She said: "The fronts +and cuffs are much frayed." I said without a moment's hesitation: +"I'm 'FRAYED they are." Lor! how we roared. I thought we should +never stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting next the driver +going to town on the 'bus, I told him my joke about the "frayed" +shirts. I thought he would have rolled off his seat. They laughed +at the office a good bit too over it. + +May 26.--Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip's. I said to +him: "I'm 'FRAID they are FRAYED." He said, without a smile: +"They're bound to do that, sir." Some people seem to be quite +destitute of a sense of humour. + +June 1.--The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back, +and Gowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat +out in the garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of +children, and played "consequences." It is a good game. + +June 2.--"Consequences" again this evening. Not quite so +successful as last night; Gowing having several times overstepped +the limits of good taste. + +June 4.--In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. +Cummings' to spend a quiet evening with them. Gowing was there, +also Mr. Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings +sang five or six songs, "No, Sir," and "The Garden of Sleep," being +best in my humble judgment; but what pleased me most was the duet +she sang with Carrie--classical duet, too. I think it is called, +"I would that my love!" It was beautiful. If Carrie had been in +better voice, I don't think professionals could have sung it +better. After supper we made them sing it again. I never liked +Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday to the "Cow and Hedge," +but I must say he sings comic-songs well. His song: "We don't +Want the old men now," made us shriek with laughter, especially the +verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; but there was one verse I think +he might have omitted, and I said so, but Gowing thought it was the +best of the lot. + +June 6.--Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust, his +charge for repairing was more than I gave for them when new. I +told him so, and he impertinently replied: "Well, they are better +now than when they were new." I paid him, and said it was a +robbery. He said: "If you wanted your shirt-fronts made out of +pauper-linen, such as is used for packing and bookbinding, why +didn't you say so?" + +June 7.--A dreadful annoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who lives at +Peckham, and who is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask +him to come home to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think +he would accept such a humble invitation; but he did, saying, in a +most friendly way, he would rather "peck" with us than by himself. +I said: "We had better get into this blue 'bus." He replied: "No +blue-bussing for me. I have had enough of the blues lately. I +lost a cool 'thou' over the Copper Scare. Step in here." + +We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked three +times at the front door without getting an answer. I saw Carrie, +through the panels of ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs. +I told Mr. Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the +side. There I saw the grocer's boy actually picking off the paint +on the door, which had formed into blisters. No time to reprove +him; so went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen +window. I let in Mr. Franching, and showed him into the drawing- +room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who was changing her dress, and +told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come home. She replied: +"How can you do such a thing? You know it's Sarah's holiday, and +there's not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having turned +with the hot weather." + +Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down, +washed up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our +views of Japan to look at while I ran round to the butcher's to get +three chops. + +July 30.--The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or +Carrie, or both. We seem to break out into an argument about +absolutely nothing, and this unpleasant state of things usually +occurs at meal-times. + +This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking about +balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation +drifted into family matters, during which Carrie, without the +slightest reason, referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my +poor father's pecuniary trouble. I retorted by saying that "Pa, at +all events, was a gentleman," whereupon Carrie burst out crying. I +positively could not eat any breakfast. + +At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was very +sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from next +Saturday. Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his +club, "The Constitutional." Fearing disagreeables at home after +the "tiff" this morning, I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I +was going out to dine and she was not to sit up. Bought a little +silver bangle for Carrie. + +July 31.--Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left +with an affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before +going to bed. I told Carrie we should have to start for our +holiday next Saturday. She replied quite happily that she did not +mind, except that the weather was so bad, and she feared that Miss +Jibbons would not be able to get her a seaside dress in time. I +told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pink bows looked quite +good enough; and Carrie said she should not think of wearing it. I +was about to discuss the matter, when, remembering the argument +yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue. + +I said to Carrie: "I don't think we can do better than 'Good old +Broadstairs.'" Carrie not only, to my astonishment, raised an +objection to Broadstairs, for the first time; but begged me not to +use the expression, "Good old," but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook +and other GENTLEMEN of his type. Hearing my 'bus pass the window, +I was obliged to rush out of the house without kissing Carrie as +usual; and I shouted to her: "I leave it to you to decide." On +returning in the evening, Carrie said she thought as the time was +so short she had decided on Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. +Beck, Harbour View Terrace, for apartments. + +August 1.--Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards's, and told +them not to cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair being so +loose and also tight at the knee, looked like a sailor's, and I +heard Pitt, that objectionable youth at the office, call out +"Hornpipe" as I passed his desk. Carrie has ordered of Miss +Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt, which I always think +looks so pretty at the seaside. In the evening she trimmed herself +a little sailor-hat, while I read to her the Exchange and Mart. We +had a good laugh over my trying on the hat when she had finished +it; Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard, and how the +people would have roared if I went on the stage like it. + +August 2.--Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms at +Broadstairs. That's off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and a +pair of tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks +wearing in the City, and hear are all the "go." + +August 3.--A beautiful day. Looking forward to to-morrow. Carrie +bought a parasol about five feet long. I told her it was +ridiculous. She said: "Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one twice as +long so;" the matter dropped. I bought a capital hat for hot +weather at the seaside. I don't know what it is called, but it is +the shape of the helmet worn in India, only made of straw. Got +three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair of navy-blue +socks at Pope Brothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrie told me +not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth's telescope, which he always +lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it. Sent Sarah out +for it. While everything was seeming so bright, the last post +brought us a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: "I have just let all +my house to one party, and am sorry I must take back my words, and +am sorry you must find other apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next +door, will be pleased to accommodate you, but she cannot take you +before Monday, as her rooms are engaged Bank Holiday week." + + + +CHAPTER VI + + + +The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter. + + +August 4.--The first post brought a nice letter from our dear son +Willie, acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him, the +day before yesterday being his twentieth birthday. To our utter +amazement he turned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed +all the way from Oldham. He said he had got leave from the bank, +and as Monday was a holiday he thought he would give us a little +surprise. + +August 5, Sunday.--We have not seen Willie since last Christmas, +and are pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown. One +would scarcely believe he was Carrie's son. He looks more like a +younger brother. I rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit +on a Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to church this +morning; but he said he was tired after yesterday's journey, so I +refrained from any remark on the subject. We had a bottle of port +for dinner, and drank dear Willie's health. + +He said: "Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I've cut my first name, +'William,' and taken the second name 'Lupin'? In fact, I'm only +known at Oldham as 'Lupin Pooter.' If you were to 'Willie' me +there, they wouldn't know what you meant." + +Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted, +and began by giving a long history of the Lupins. I ventured to +say that I thought William a nice simple name, and reminded him he +was christened after his Uncle William, who was much respected in +the City. Willie, in a manner which I did not much care for, said +sneeringly: "Oh, I know all about that--Good old Bill!" and helped +himself to a third glass of port. + +Carrie objected strongly to my saying "Good old," but she made no +remark when Willie used the double adjective. I said nothing, but +looked at her, which meant more. I said: "My dear Willie, I hope +you are happy with your colleagues at the Bank." He replied: +"Lupin, if you please; and with respect to the Bank, there's not a +clerk who is a gentleman, and the 'boss' is a cad." I felt so +shocked, I could say nothing, and my instinct told me there was +something wrong. + +August 6, Bank Holiday.--As there was no sign of Lupin moving at +nine o'clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually +breakfasted at half-past eight, and asked how long would he be? +Lupin replied that he had had a lively time of it, first with the +train shaking the house all night, and then with the sun streaming +in through the window in his eyes, and giving him a cracking +headache. Carrie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast +sent up, and he said he could do with a cup of tea, and didn't want +anything to eat. + +Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and +said we dined at two; he said he "would be there." He never came +down till a quarter to three. I said: "We have not seen much of +you, and you will have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you +will have to leave in an hour, unless you go by the midnight mail." +He said: "Look here, Guv'nor, it's no use beating about the bush. +I've tendered my resignation at the Bank." + +For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came again, I said: +"How dare you, sir? How dare you take such a serious step without +consulting me? Don't answer me, sir!--you will sit down +immediately, and write a note at my dictation, withdrawing your +resignation and amply apologising for your thoughtlessness." + +Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: "It's no +use. If you want the good old truth, I've got the chuck!" + +August 7.--Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday a +week, as we could not get the room. This will give us an +opportunity of trying to find an appointment for Willie before we +go. The ambition of my life would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp's +firm. + +August 11.--Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin on +our hands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign +from the Bank simply because "he took no interest in his work, and +always arrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late." We can all +start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light heart. This will +take my mind off the worry of the last few days, which have been +wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager of the Bank +at Oldham. + +August 13.--Hurrah! at Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near the +station. On the cliffs they would have been double the price. The +landlady had a nice five o'clock dinner and tea ready, which we all +enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because there happened to +be a fly in the butter. It was very wet in the evening, for which +I was thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to bed early. +Lupin said he would sit up and read a bit. + +August 14.--I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of +reading last night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, +given at the Assembly Rooms. I expressed my opinion that such +performances were unworthy of respectable patronage; but he +replied: "Oh, it was only 'for one night only.' I had a fit of +the blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly Presswell, +England's Particular Spark." I told him I was proud to say I had +never heard of her. Carrie said: "Do let the boy alone. He's +quite old enough to take care of himself, and won't forget he's a +gentleman. Remember, you were young once yourself." Rained all +day hard, but Lupin would go out. + +August 15.--Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate, +and the first person we met on the jetty was Gowing. I said: +"Hulloh! I thought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham +friends?" He said: "Yes, but young Peter Lawrence was so ill, +they postponed their visit, so I came down here. You know the +Cummings' are here too?" Carrie said: "Oh, that will be +delightful! We must have some evenings together and have games." + +I introduced Lupin, saying: "You will be pleased to find we have +our dear boy at home!" Gowing said: "How's that? You don't mean +to say he's left the Bank?" + +I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those +awkward questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking. + +August 16.--Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with +me because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat. I +don't know what the boy is coming to. + +August 17.--Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and I went +for a sail. It was a relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin +irritates me, she always sides with him. On our return, he said: +"Oh, you've been on the 'Shilling Emetic,' have you? You'll come +to six-pennorth on the 'Liver Jerker' next." I presume he meant a +tricycle, but I affected not to understand him. + +August 18.--Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening +at Margate. It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him +to the hotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, +and in fact disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hasten +back to Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: "I'll give +you a game, Gowing--a hundred up. A walk round I the cloth will +give me an appetite for dinner." I said: "Perhaps Mister Gowing +does not care to play with boys." Gowing surprised me by saying: +"Oh yes, I do, if they play well," and they walked off together. + +August 19, Sunday.--I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking +(which he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his +hat and walked out. Carrie then read ME a long sermon on the +palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere +child. I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening I offered +him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but, after a few whiffs, said: +"This is a good old tup'ny--try one of mine," and he handed me a +cigar as long as it was strong, which is saying a good deal. + +August 20.--I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, though +clouded overhead. We went over to Cummings' (at Margate) in the +evening, and as it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, +as usual, overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play +"Cutlets," a game we never heard of. He sat on a chair, and asked +Carrie to sit on his lap, an invitation which dear Carrie rightly +declined. + +After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing's knees and Carrie +sat on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie's lap, +then Cummings on Lupin's, and Mrs. Cummings on her husband's. We +looked very ridiculous, and laughed a good deal. + +Gowing then said: "Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?" We had +to answer all together: "Yes--oh, yes!" (three times). Gowing +said: "So am I," and suddenly got up. The result of this stupid +joke was that we all fell on the ground, and poor Carrie banged her +head against the corner of the fender. Mrs. Cummings put some +vinegar on; but through this we missed the last train, and had to +drive back to Broadstairs, which cost me seven-and-sixpence. + + + +CHAPTER VII + + + +Home again. Mrs. James' influence on Carrie. Can get nothing for +Lupin. Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome. Some one +tampers with my diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us +with an announcement. + + +August 22.--Home sweet Home again! Carrie bought some pretty blue- +wool mats to stand vases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say +they are sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for +Lupin. + +August 23.--I bought a pair of stags' heads made of plaster-of- +Paris and coloured brown. They will look just the thing for our +little hall, and give it style; the heads are excellent imitations. +Poolers and Smith are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin. + +August 24.--Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful for +him, as he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up +from Sutton and spend two or three days with us. We have not said +a word to Lupin, but mean to keep it as a surprise. + +August 25.--Mrs. James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, +bringing with her an enormous bunch of wild flowers. The more I +see of Mrs James the nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to +Carrie. She went into Carrie's room to take off her bonnet, and +remained there nearly an hour talking about dress. Lupin said he +was not a bit surprised at Mrs. James' VISIT, but was surprised at +HER. + +August 26, Sunday.--Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having +talked considerably about what to wear all the morning. Lupin does +not seem to get on very well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall +have some trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in last +Wednesday. Several of their friends, who drive up in dog-carts, +have already made themselves objectionable. + +An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, +and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a +habit I have), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an +American, commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about "I HAD +THIRTEEN DOLLARS IN MY WAISTCOAT POCKET." I fancied it was meant +for me, and my suspicions were confirmed; for while walking round +the garden in my tall hat this afternoon, a "throw-down" cracker +was deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a +percussion cap. I turned sharply, and am positive I saw the man +who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroom windows. + +August 27.--Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had not +returned when I came back from the office. Judging from the +subsequent conversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie's +head with a lot of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing's +and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant. + +Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of the +remainder of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was +to refuse, in case there was not enough to go round), and a blanc- +mange and custards. There was also a decanter of port and some jam +puffs on the sideboard. Mrs. James made us play rather a good game +of cards, called "Muggings." To my surprise, in fact disgust, +Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a most sarcastic tone, said: +"Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me, I shall go and +enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the back-garden." + +Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (who +seems to have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games. +Lupin said: "Let's play 'monkeys.'" He then led Gowing all round +the room, and brought him in front of the looking-glass. I must +confess I laughed heartily at this. I was a little vexed at +everybody subsequently laughing at some joke which they did not +explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered I must have +been walking about all the evening with an antimacassar on one +button of my coat-tails. + +August 28.--Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums, +evidently come from next door. Pattles and Pattles can't find a +place for Lupin. + +August 29.--Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie +appeared in a new dress like a smock-frock. She said "smocking" +was all the rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She also had on +a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape. Mrs. +James went home, and both Lupin and I were somewhat pleased--the +first time we have agreed on a single subject since his return. +Merkins and Son write they have no vacancy for Lupin. + +October 30.--I should very much like to know who has wilfully torn +the last five or six weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly +monstrous! Mine is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space +for the record of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record +I take (with much pride) a great deal of pains. + +I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She replied it was +my own fault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning +and the sweeps in the house. I said that was not an answer to my +question. This retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, +would have been more effective had I not jogged my elbow against a +vase on a table temporarily placed in the passage, knocked it over, +and smashed it. + +Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a +pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding- +day by Mrs. Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie's cousins, the +Pommertons, late of Dalston. I called to Sarah, and asked her +about the diary. She said she had not been in the sitting-room at +all; after the sweep had left, Mrs. Birrell (the charwoman) had +cleaned the room and lighted the fire herself. Finding a burnt +piece of paper in the grate, I examined it, and found it was a +piece of my diary. So it was evident some one had torn my diary to +light the fire. I requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me to- +morrow. + +October 31.--Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, +saying that he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy +Lupin. This, in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion +of my diary; for I am bound to confess the last few weeks have been +devoted to the record of disappointing answers received from people +to whom I have applied for appointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell +called, and, in reply to me, said: "She never SEE no book, much +less take such a liberty as TOUCH it." + +I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said +she would do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep +lighting the fire with a bit of the Echo. I requested the sweep to +be sent to me to-morrow. I wish Carrie had not given Lupin a +latch-key; we never seem to see anything of him. I sat up till +past one for him, and then retired tired. + +November 1.--My entry yesterday about "retired tired," which I did +not notice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so worried +just now, I might have had a little joke about it. The sweep +called, but had the audacity to come up to the hall-door and lean +his dirty bag of soot on the door-step. He, however, was so +polite, I could not rebuke him. He said Sarah lighted the fire. +Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she was dusting the banisters, +and she ran down, and flew into a temper with the sweep, causing a +row on the front door-steps, which I would not have had happen for +anything. I ordered her about her business, and told the sweep I +was sorry to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps +were covered with soot in consequence of his visit. I would +willingly give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary. + +November 2.--I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose +company I never tire. We had a most pleasant chat about the +letters on "Is Marriage a Failure?" It has been no failure in our +case. In talking over our own happy experiences, we never noticed +that it was past midnight. We were startled by hearing the door +slam violently. Lupin had come in. He made no attempt to turn +down the gas in the passage, or even to look into the room where we +were, but went straight up to bed, making a terrible noise. I +asked him to come down for a moment, and he begged to be excused, +as he was "dead beat," an observation that was scarcely consistent +with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards, he was +positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, "See me dance the +polka!" or some such nonsense. + +November 3.--Good news at last. Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment +for Lupin, and he is to go and see about it on Monday. Oh, how my +mind is relieved! I went to Lupin's room to take the good news to +him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep it over +till the evening. + +He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur +Dramatic Club, called the "Holloway Comedians"; and, though it was +a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in +the head. He declined to have any breakfast, so I left him. In +the evening I had up a special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in +for a wonder, we filled our glasses, and I said: "Lupin my boy, I +have some good and unexpected news for you. Mr. Perkupp has +procured you an appointment!" Lupin said: "Good biz!" and we +drained our glasses. + +Lupin then said: "Fill up the glasses again, for I have some good +and unexpected news for you." + +I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she +said: "I hope we shall think it good news." + +Lupin said: "Oh, it's all right! I'M ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!" + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + + +Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. Lupin's new berth. +Fireworks at the Cummings'. The "Holloway Comedians." Sarah +quarrels with the charwoman. Lupin's uncalled-for interference. +Am introduced to Daisy Mutlar. We decide to give a party in her +honour. + + +November 5, Sunday.--Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy +Lupin getting engaged to be married without consulting us or +anything. After dinner he told us all about it. He said the +lady's name was Daisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, +and most accomplished girl he ever met. He loved her the moment he +saw her, and if he had to wait fifty years he would wait, and he +knew she would wait for him. + +Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a +different world to him now,--it was a world worth living in. He +lived with an object now, and that was to make Daisy Mutlar--Daisy +Pooter, and he would guarantee she would not disgrace the family of +the Pooters. Carrie here burst out crying, and threw her arms +round his neck, and in doing so, upset the glass of port he held in +his hand all over his new light trousers. + +I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her, +but Carrie said she loved her already. I thought this rather +premature, but held my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of +conversation for the remainder of the day. I asked Lupin who her +people were, and he replied: "Oh, you know Mutlar, Williams and +Watts." I did not know, but refrained from asking any further +questions at present, for fear of irritating Lupin. + +November 6.--Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long +conversation with Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which +was that he accepted a clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and +Co., Stock and Share Brokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an +advertising firm, and he did not think much of it. I replied: +"Beggars should not be choosers;" and I will do Lupin the justice +to say, he looked rather ashamed of himself. + +In the evening we went round to the Cummings', to have a few +fireworks. It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull. One of +my squibs would not go off, and Gowing said: "Hit it on your boot, +boy; it will go off then." I gave it a few knocks on the end of my +boot, and it went off with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers +rather badly. I gave the rest of the squibs to the little +Cummings' boy to let off. + +Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse +on my head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake +in the ground by way of a grand finale. He made a great fuss about +it; said it cost seven shillings. There was a little difficulty in +getting it alight. At last it went off; but after a couple of slow +revolutions it stopped. I had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap +to send it round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to +the grass. Anybody would have thought I had set the house on fire +from the way in which they stormed at me. I will never join in any +more firework parties. It is a ridiculous waste of time and money. + +November 7.--Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie +said she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed +with Carrie, and this led to an argument. However, the matter was +settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, and +we must get some more printed, and when they were finished would be +quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of calling. + +November 8.--I ordered some of our cards at Black's, the +stationers. I ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us for +a good long time. In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, +Miss Mutlar's brother. He was rather a gawky youth, and Lupin said +he was the most popular and best amateur in the club, referring to +the "Holloway Comedians." Lupin whispered to us that if we could +only "draw out" Harry a bit, he would make us roar with laughter. + +At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He took up a +knife, and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek in a +wonderful manner. He also gave an imitation of an old man with no +teeth, smoking a big cigar. The way he kept dropping the cigar +sent Carrie into fits. + +In the course of conversation, Daisy's name cropped up, and young +Mutlar said he would bring his sister round to us one evening--his +parents being rather old-fashioned, and not going out much. Carrie +said we would get up a little special party. As young Mutlar +showed no inclination to go, and it was approaching eleven o'clock, +as a hint I reminded Lupin that he had to be up early to-morrow. +Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began a series of comic +imitations. He went on for an hour without cessation. Poor Carrie +could scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an excuse, and +said "Good-night." + +Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hall +something about the "Holloway Comedians," and to my disgust, +although it was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and +went out with his new companion. + +November 9.--My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out of +my diary still fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so +we see little of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal +times. Cummings dropped in. + +November 10.--Lupin seems to like his new berth--that's a comfort. +Daisy Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie +almost as full of it as Lupin. Lupin informs me, to my disgust, +that he has been persuaded to take part in the forthcoming +performance of the "Holloway Comedians." He says he is to play Bob +Britches in the farce, GONE TO MY UNCLE'S; Frank Mutlar is going to +play old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly I was not in the least +degree interested in the matter, and totally disapproved of amateur +theatricals. Gowing came in the evening. + +November 11.--Returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful +uproar, Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside +her bedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (the +charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the +top of her voice that she was "no thief, that she was a respectable +woman, who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack +anyone's face who put lies into her mouth." Lupin, whose back was +towards me, did not hear me come in. He was standing between the +two women, and, I regret to say, in his endeavour to act as +peacemaker, he made use of rather strong language in the presence +of his mother; and I was just in time to hear him say: "And all +this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a rotten diary that +wouldn't fetch three-halfpence a pound!" I said, quietly: "Pardon +me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of this +house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins." + +I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused +Mrs. Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some +kitchen fat and leavings which she had taken out of the house last +week. Mrs. Birrell had slapped Sarah's face, and said she had +taken nothing out of the place, as there was "never no leavings to +take." I ordered Sarah back to her work, and requested Mrs. +Birrell to go home. When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking +his legs in the air, and roaring with laughter. + +November 12, Sunday.--Coming home from church Carrie and I met +Lupin, Daisy Mutlar, and her brother. Daisy was introduced to us, +and we walked home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. +We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my +future daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank. She is a big young +woman, and I should think at least eight years older than Lupin. I +did not even think her good-looking. Carrie asked her if she could +come in on Wednesday next with her brother to meet a few friends. +She replied that she would only be too pleased. + +November 13.--Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, +to Mr. and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a +note to Mr. Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make +it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? I +said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him. Carrie said +there was "no offence in asking him." I said: "Certainly not," +and I wrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she was a little +disappointed with Daisy Mutlar's appearance, but thought she seemed +a nice girl. + +November 14.--Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand +little party for to-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I +shall keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could +get away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was +busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies. +She said she felt quite nervous about her responsibilities to- +morrow evening. We decided to have some light things on the table, +such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on +the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and a Paysandu tongue--for +the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked. + +Gowing called to know if he was to put on "swallow-tails" to- +morrow. Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr. +Franching was coming, and there was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp +also putting in an appearance. + +Gowing said: "Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not worn my +dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases +pressed out." + +After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please +Daisy Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in +fact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old +friend Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a +green-grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if +Daisy took him for one. + +I fairly lost my temper, and said: "Lupin, allow me to tell you +Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I gave you credit +for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an +engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself. I advise +you to think of earning your living before entangling yourself with +a wife whom you will have to support, and, in all probability, her +brother also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer." + +Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped +up and said: "If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult +me. I will leave the house and never darken your doors again." + +He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all +right. He came back to supper, and we played Bezique till nearly +twelve o'clock. + + + +CHAPTER IX + + + +Our first important Party. Old Friends and New Friends. Gowing is +a little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be +quite amusing. Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most +kind and complimentary. Party a great success. + + +November 15.--A red-letter day. Our first important party since we +have been in this house. I got home early from the City. Lupin +insisted on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of +champagne. I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he +had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds out a private +deal in the City. I hope he won't gamble in his new situation. +The supper-room looked so nice, and Carrie truly said: "We need +not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he honour +us by coming." + +I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight +o'clock, and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much too +short. + +Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my +wearing ordinary boots instead of dress-boots. + +I replied satirically: "My dear son, I have lived to be above that +sort of thing." + +Lupin burst out laughing, and said: "A man generally was above his +boots." + +This may be funny, or it may NOT; but I was gratified to find he +had not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. Carrie +looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House. +The arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had hung +muslin curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the +entrances, for we had removed the door from its hinges. + +Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict +orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous +one was empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be +placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses. By-the- +by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs look very nice on the +walls, especially as Carrie has arranged some Liberty silk bows on +the four corners of them. + +The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted me +with: "Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!" + +I simply said: "Very likely, and you will find my temper 'SHORT' +also." + +He said: "That won't make your trousers longer, Juggins. You +should get your missus to put a flounce on them." + +I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my +diary. + +The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former said: +"As you didn't say anything about dress, I have come 'half dress.'" +He had on a black frock-coat and white tie. The James', Mr. +Merton, and Mr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and +unbearable till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived. + +Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy's appearance. She had a +bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck. I do not think +such a style modest. She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, +and covered her shoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. +Sprice-Hogg and his four daughters came; so did Franching, and one +or two of Lupin's new friends, members of the "Holloway Comedians." +Some of these seemed rather theatrical in their manner, especially +one, who was posing all the evening, and leant on our little round +table and cracked it. Lupin called him "our Henry," and said he +was "our lead at the H.C.'s," and was quite as good in that +department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant. All +this is Greek to me. + +We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy's side for a +moment, raved over her singing of a song, called "Some Day." It +seemed a pretty song, but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my +mind, so out of tune, I would not have asked her to sing again; but +Lupin made her sing four songs right off, one after the other. + +At ten o'clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing and +Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for a +month. I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp +should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyed me very much by filling +a large tumbler of champagne, and drinking it straight off. He +repeated this action, and made me fear our half-dozen of champagne +would not last out. I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got +hold of it, and took it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank +Mutlar. + +We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking. Carrie +put a stop to that at once. Stillbrook amused us with a song, +"What have you done with your Cousin John?" I did not notice that +Lupin and Frank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of the +Holloways, where they were, and he said: "It's a case of 'Oh, what +a surprise!'" + +We were directed to form a circle--which we did. Watson then said: +"I have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated Blondin +Donkey." Frank and Lupin then bounded into the room. Lupin had +whitened his face like a clown, and Frank had tied round his waist +a large hearthrug. He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked +it. They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we were all +shrieking with laughter. + +I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr Perkupp standing half- +way in the door, he having arrived without our knowing it. I +beckoned to Carrie, and we went up to him at once. He would not +come right into the room. I apologised for the foolery, but Mr. +Perkupp said: "Oh, it seems amusing." I could see he was not a +bit amused. + +Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck. There +was not a glass of champagne left--not even a sandwich. Mr. +Perkupp said he required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer +or soda water. The last syphon was empty. Carrie said: "We have +plenty of port wine left." Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile: "No, +thank you. I really require nothing, but I am most pleased to see +you and your husband in your own home. Good-night, Mrs. Pooter-- +you will excuse my very short stay, I know." I went with him to +his carriage, and he said: "Don't trouble to come to the office +till twelve to-morrow." + +I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie I +thought the party was a failure. Carrie said it was a great +success, and I was only tired, and insisted on my having some port +myself. I drank two glasses, and felt much better, and we went +into the drawing-room, where they had commenced dancing. Carrie +and I had a little dance, which I said reminded me of old days. +She said I was a spooney old thing. + + + +CHAPTER X + + + +Reflections. I make another Good Joke. Am annoyed at the constant +serving-up of the "Blanc-Mange." Lupin expresses his opinion of +Weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar. + + +November 16.--Woke about twenty times during the night, with +terrible thirst. Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well +as half that in the jug. Kept dreaming also, that last night's +party was a failure, and that a lot of low people came without +invitation, and kept chaffing and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp, +till at last I was obliged to hide him in the box-room (which we +had just discovered), with a bath-towel over him. It seems absurd +now, but it was painfully real in the dream. I had the same dream +about a dozen times. + +Carrie annoyed me by saying: "You know champagne never agrees with +you." I told her I had only a couple of glasses of it, having kept +myself entirely to port. I added that good champagne hurt nobody, +and Lupin told me he had only got it from a traveller as a favour, +as that particular brand had been entirely bought up by a West-End +club. + +I think I ate too heartily of the "side dishes," as the waiter +called them. I said to Carrie: "I wish I had put those 'side +dishes' ASIDE." I repeated this, but Carrie was busy, packing up +the teaspoons we had borrowed of Mrs. Cummings for the party. It +was just half-past eleven, and I was starting for the office, when +Lupin appeared, with a yellow complexion, and said: "Hulloh! Guv., +what priced head have you this morning?" I told him he might just +as well speak to me in Dutch. He added: "When I woke this +morning, my head was as big as Baldwin's balloon." On the spur of +the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I have ever said; +viz.: "Perhaps that accounts for the paraSHOOTING pains." We +roared. + +November 17.--Still feel tired and headachy! In the evening Gowing +called, and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday. He +said everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself +enormously. Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but +you never know how long it will last. For instance, he stopped to +supper, and seeing some blanc-mange on the table, shouted out, +while the servant was in the room: "Hulloh! The remains of +Wednesday?" + +November 18.--Woke up quite fresh after a good night's rest, and +feel quite myself again. I am satisfied a life of going-out and +Society is not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation +which we received this morning to Miss Bird's wedding. We only met +her twice at Mrs. James', and it means a present. Lupin said: "I +am with you for once. To my mind a wedding's a very poor play. +There are only two parts in it--the bride and bridegroom. The best +man is only a walking gentleman. With the exception of a crying +father and a snivelling mother, the rest are SUPERS who have to +dress well and have to PAY for their insignificant parts in the +shape of costly presents." I did not care for the theatrical +slang, but thought it clever, though disrespectful. + +I told Sarah not to bring up the blanc-mange again for breakfast. +It seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since +Wednesday. Cummings came round in the evening, and congratulated +us on the success of our party. He said it was the best party he +had been to for many a year; but he wished we had let him know it +was full dress, as he would have turned up in his swallow-tails. +We sat down to a quiet game of dominoes, and were interrupted by +the noisy entrance of Lupin and Frank Mutlar. Cummings and I asked +them to join us. Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and +suggested a game of "Spoof." On my asking if it required counters, +Frank and Lupin in measured time said: "One, two, three; go! Have +you an estate in Greenland?" It was simply Greek to me, but it +appears it is one of the customs of the "Holloway Comedians" to do +this when a member displays ignorance. + +In spite of my instructions, that blanc-mange was brought up again +for supper. To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to +disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it. +Carrie asked Lupin if he would have some, and he replied: "No +second-hand goods for me, thank you." I told Carrie, when we were +alone, if that blanc-mange were placed on the table again I should +walk out of the house. + +November 19, Sunday.--A delightfully quiet day. In the afternoon +Lupin was off to spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. He +departed in the best of spirits, and Carrie said: "Well, one +advantage of Lupin's engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems +happy all day long. That quite reconciles me to what I must +confess seems an imprudent engagement." + +Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed +that it did not always follow that an early engagement meant an +unhappy marriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that we married early, +and, with the exception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had +never had a really serious word. I could not help thinking (as I +told her) that half the pleasures of life were derived from the +little struggles and small privations that one had to endure at the +beginning of one's married life. Such struggles were generally +occasioned by want of means, and often helped to make loving +couples stand together all the firmer. + +Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I was +quite a philosopher. + +We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered by +Carrie's little compliment. I don't pretend to be able to express +myself in fine language, but I feel I have the power of expressing +my thoughts with simplicity and lucidness. About nine o'clock, to +our surprise. Lupin entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a +hollow voice, which I must say seemed rather theatrical, said: +"Have you any brandy?" I said: "No; but here is some whisky." +Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful without water, to my horror. + +We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I +rose to go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin: "I hope Daisy is well?" + +Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from +the "Holloway Comedians," replied: "Oh, Daisy? You mean Miss +Mutlar. I don't know whether she is well or not, but please NEVER +TO MENTION HER NAME AGAIN IN MY PRESENCE." + + + +CHAPTER XI + + + +We have a dose of Irving imitations. Make the acquaintance of a +Mr. Padge. Don't care for him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a +nuisance. + + +November 20.--Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day. Bought a +cheap address-book. I spent the evening copying in the names and +addresses of my friends and acquaintances. Left out the Mutlars of +course. + +November 21.--Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening. He +asked for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to +my mind was theatrical and quite ineffective. I said: "My boy, I +have none, and I don't think I should give it you if I had." Lupin +said: "I'll go where I can get some," and walked out of the house. +Carrie took the boy's part, and the rest of the evening was spent +in a disagreeable discussion, in which the words "Daisy" and +"Mutlar" must have occurred a thousand times. + +November 22.--Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening. +Lupin also came in, bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton--one +of the "Holloway Comedians"--who was at our party the other night, +and who cracked our little round table. Happy to say Daisy Mutlar +was never referred to. The conversation was almost entirely +monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton, who not only looked +rather like Mr. Irving, but seemed to imagine that he WAS the +celebrated actor. I must say he gave some capital imitations of +him. As he showed no signs of moving at supper time, I said: "If +you like to stay, Mr. Fosselton, for our usual crust--pray do." He +replied: "Oh! thanks; but please call me Burwin-Fosselton. It is +a double name. There are lots of Fosseltons, but please call me +Burwin-Fosselton." + +He began doing the Irving business all through supper. He sank so +low down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the +table, and twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, +and flashed a knife uncomfortably near Gowing's face. After supper +he kept stretching out his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps +of quotations from plays which were Greek to me, and more than once +knocked over the fire-irons, making a hideous row--poor Carrie +already having a bad head-ache. + +When he went, he said, to our surprise: "I will come to-morrow and +bring my Irving make-up." Gowing and Cummings said they would like +to see it and would come too. I could not help thinking they might +as well give a party at my house while they are about it. However, +as Carrie sensibly said: "Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget +the Daisy Mutlar business." + +November 23.--In the evening, Cummings came early. Gowing came a +little later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I +think, very vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all +moustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to either of us, but +said Padge wanted to see the Irving business, to which Padge said: +"That's right," and that is about all he DID say during the entire +evening. Lupin came in and seemed in much better spirits. He had +prepared a bit of a surprise. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton had come in +with him, but had gone upstairs to get ready. In half-an-hour +Lupin retired from the parlour, and returning in a few minutes, +announced "Mr. Henry Irving." + +I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a resemblance. +It was astonishing. The only person who did not appear interested +was the man Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puffing +away at a foul pipe into the fireplace. After some little time I +said; "Why do actors always wear their hair so long?" Carrie in a +moment said, "Mr. Hare doesn't wear long HAIR." How we laughed +except Mr. Fosselton, who said, in a rather patronising kind of +way, "The joke, Mrs. Pooter, is extremely appropriate, if not +altogether new." Thinking this rather a snub, I said: "Mr. +Fosselton, I fancy--" He interrupted me by saying: "Mr. BURWIN- +Fosselton, if you please," which made me quite forget what I was +going to say to him. During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again +monopolised the conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie +and I came to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation +of Irving. After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too +boisterous over his Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing +by the collar of his coat, dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of +course, into Gowing's neck and took a piece of flesh out. Gowing +was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who having declined our +modest supper in order that he should not lose his comfortable +chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the little +misadventure. I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said: +"I suppose you would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing's eye +out?" to which Padge replied: "That's right," and laughed more +than ever. I think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we broke +up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said: "Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I'm +glad you like the imitation, I'll bring THE OTHER MAKE-UP TO-MORROW +NIGHT." + +November 24.--I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief. This +is the second time I have done this during the last week. I must +be losing my memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar +business, I would have written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him +I should be out this evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young +man who would come all the same. + +Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a +little note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, +which rather amused me. He added that his neck was still painful. +Of course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, and +imagine my utter disgust when that man Padge actually came again, +and not even accompanied by Gowing. I was exasperated, and said: +"Mr. Padge, this is a SURPRISE." Dear Carrie, fearing +unpleasantness, said: "Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge has only come to +see the other Irving make-up." Mr. Padge said: "That's right," +and took the best chair again, from which he never moved the whole +evening. + +My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an +expensive guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter. The +Irving imitations and conversations occupied the whole evening, +till I was sick of it. Once we had a rather heated discussion, +which was commenced by Cummings saying that it appeared to him that +Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not only LIKE Mr. Irving, but was in his +judgment every way as GOOD or even BETTER. I ventured to remark +that after all it was but an imitation of an original. + +Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the +originals. I made what I considered a very clever remark: +"Without an original there can be no imitation." Mr. Burwin- +Fosselton said quite impertinently: "Don't discuss me in my +presence, if you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I should advise you to +talk about what you understand;" to which that cad Padge replied: +"That's right." Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by suddenly +saying: "I'll be Ellen Terry." Dear Carrie's imitation wasn't a +bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the +disagreeable discussion passed off. When they left, I very +pointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should +be engaged to-morrow evening. + +November 25.--Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting last +night's Irving discussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said +I knew little or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least +interested in them and positively declined to be drawn into a +discussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading to a +breach of friendship. I never wrote a more determined letter. + +On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met +near the Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a leap. I bowed +rather stiffly, but she affected not to have seen me. Very much +annoyed in the evening by the laundress sending home an odd sock. +Sarah said she sent two pairs, and the laundress declared only a +pair and a half were sent. I spoke to Carrie about it, but she +rather testily replied: "I am tired of speaking to her; you had +better go and speak to her yourself. She is outside." I did so, +but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent. + +Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to +listen to the conversation, and interrupting, said: "Don't waste +the odd sock, old man; do an act of charity and give it to some +poor mar with only one leg." The laundress giggled like an idiot. +I was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose of pinning down +my collar, as the button had come off the back of my shirt. + +When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic +joke about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter. I +suppose I am losing my sense of humour. I spoke my mind pretty +freely about Padge. Gowing said he had met him only once before +that evening. He had been introduced by a friend, and as he +(Padge) had "stood" a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some +little return. Upon my word, Gowing's coolness surpasses all +belief. Lupin came in before I could reply, and Gowing +unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupin shouted: "Mind +your own business, sir!" and bounced out of the room, slamming the +door. The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar--Daisy Mutlar-- +Daisy Mutlar. Oh dear! + +November 26, Sunday.--The curate preached a very good sermon to- +day--very good indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as +our dear old vicar's, but I am bound to say his sermons are much +more impressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, of which I +must make mention. Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite a grand lady, +living in one of those large houses in the Camden Road, stopped to +speak to me after church, when we were all coming out. I must say +I felt flattered, for she is thought a good deal of. I suppose she +knew me through seeing me so often take round the plate, especially +as she always occupies the corner seat of the pew. She is a very +influential lady, and may have had something of the utmost +importance to say, but unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a +strong gust of wind came and blew my hat off into the middle of the +road. + +I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in +recovering it. When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs. +Fernlosse had walked on with some swell friends, and I felt I could +not well approach her now, especially as my hat was smothered with +mud. I cannot say how disappointed I felt. + +In the evening (SUNDAY evening of all others) I found an +impertinent note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows: + + +"Dear Mr. Pooter,--Although your junior by perhaps some twenty or +thirty years--which is sufficient reason that you ought to have a +longer record of the things and ways in this miniature of a planet- +-I feel it is just within the bounds of possibility that the wheels +of your life don't travel so quickly round as those of the humble +writer of these lines. The dandy horse of past days has been known +to overtake the SLOW COACH. + +"Do I make myself understood? + +"Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise you to accept +the verb. sap. Acknowledge your defeat, and take your whipping +gracefully; for remember you threw down the glove, and I cannot +claim to be either mentally or physically a COWARD! + +"Revenons a nos moutons. + +"Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY ART--THE STAGE. +Your life is devoted to commercial pursuits--'A life among +Ledgers.' My books are of different metal. Your life in the City +is honourable, I admit. BUT HOW DIFFERENT! Cannot even you see +the ocean between us? A channel that prevents the meeting of our +brains in harmonious accord. Ah! But chacun a son gout. + +"I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame. I may crawl, +I may slip, I may even falter (we are all weak), but REACH THE TOP +RUNG OF THE LADDER I WILL!!! When there, my voice shall be heard, +for I will shout to the multitudes below: 'Vici!' For the present +I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, forsooth, save to a +party of friends, with here and there an enemy. + +"But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, 'What is the difference between +the amateur and the professional?' + +"None!!! + +"Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is PAID for doing what the +other does as skilfully for NOTHING! + +"But I will be PAID, too! For _I_, contrary to the wishes of my +family and friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as MY +profession. And when the FARCE craze is over--and, MARK YOU, THAT +WILL BE SOON--I will make my power known; for I feel--pardon my +apparent conceit--that there is no living man who can play the +hump-backed Richard as I FEEL and KNOW I can. + +"And YOU will be the first to come round and bend your head in +submission. There are many matters you may understand, but +knowledge of the fine art of acting is to you an UNKNOWN QUANTITY. + +"Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. Vale! + +Yours truly, + +"Burwin-Fosselton." + + +I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent +letter, and said: "My boy, in that letter you can see the true +character of your friend." + +Lupin, to my surprise, said: "Oh yes. He showed me the letter +before he sent it. I think he is right, and you ought to +apologise." + + + +CHAPTER XII + + + +A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary. +Lupin's opinion of 'Xmas. Lupin's unfortunate engagement is on +again. + + +December 17.--As I open my scribbling diary I find the words +"Oxford Michaelmas Term ends." Why this should induce me to +indulge in retrospective I don't know, but it does. The last few +weeks of my diary are of minimum interest. The breaking off of the +engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a different +being, and Carrie a rather depressing companion. She was a little +dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer her up by reading some +extracts from my diary; but she walked out of the room in the +middle of the reading, without a word. On her return, I said: +"Did my diary bore you, darling?" + +She replied, to my surprise: "I really wasn't listening, dear. I +was obliged to leave to give instructions to the laundress. In +consequence of some stuff she puts in the water, two more of +Lupin's coloured shirts have run and he says he won't wear them." + +I said: "Everything is Lupin. It's all Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. +There was not a single button on my shirt yesterday, but _I_ made +no complaint." + +Carrie simply replied: "You should do as all other men do, and +wear studs. In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons on +the shirt-fronts." + +I said: "I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none on." + +Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in the +evening, and Cummings never does. I fear they don't get on well +with Lupin. + +December 18.--Yesterday I was in a retrospective vein--to-day it is +PROSPECTIVE. I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds. Lupin is +perfectly intolerable over the Daisy Mutlar business. He won't say +what is the cause of the breach. He is evidently condemning her +conduct, and yet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won't +hear a word against her. So what is one to do? Another thing +which is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin take no +interest whatever in my diary. + +I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day. I said: "I +was in hopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary would +be an endless source of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of the +chance of the remuneration which may accrue from its being +published." + +Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie was sorry for +this, I could see, for she said: "I did not mean to be rude, dear +Charlie; but truly I do not think your diary would sufficiently +interest the public to be taken up by a publisher." + +I replied: "I am sure it would prove quite as interesting as some +of the ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately. +Besides, it's the diary that makes the man. Where would Evelyn and +Pepys have been if it had not been for their diaries?" + +Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering +tone, said: "If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., we +might get a fair price from a butterman for it." + +As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year will +see the end of my diary. + +December 19.--The annual invitation came to spend Christmas with +Carrie's mother--the usual family festive gathering to which we +always look forward. Lupin declined to go. I was astounded, and +expressed my surprise and disgust. Lupin then obliged us with the +following Radical speech: "I hate a family gathering at Christmas. +What does it mean? Why someone says: 'Ah! we miss poor Uncle +James, who was here last year,' and we all begin to snivel. +Someone else says: 'It's two years since poor Aunt Liz used to sit +in that corner.' Then we all begin to snivel again. Then another +gloomy relation says 'Ah! I wonder whose turn it will be next?' +Then we all snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much; +and they don't discover until _I_ get up that we have been seated +thirteen at dinner." + +December 20.--Went to Smirksons', the drapers, in the Strand, who +this year have turned out everything in the shop and devoted the +whole place to the sale of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with +people, who seemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after +a hurried glance at them, throw them down again. I remarked to one +of the young persons serving, that carelessness appeared to be a +disease with some purchasers. The observation was scarcely out of +my mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a large pile of +expensive cards in boxes one on top of the other, and threw them +down. The manager came forward, looking very much annoyed, and +picking up several cards from the ground, said to one of the +assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me: "Put these amongst +the sixpenny goods; they can't be sold for a shilling now." The +result was, I felt it my duty to buy some of these damaged cards. + +I had to buy more and pay more than intended. Unfortunately I did +not examine them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar +card with a picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and +the other white, and the words: "We wish Pa a Merry Christmas." I +tore up the card and threw it away. Carrie said the great +disadvantage of going out in Society and increasing the number of +our friends was, that we should have to send out nearly two dozen +cards this year. + +December 21.--To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we follow +the example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early. +Most of the cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at +night. I shall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, +ever since he has had the appointment with a stock and share +broker, does not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings) told me +never to rub out the pencilled price on the backs of the cards. I +asked him why. Lupin said: "Suppose your card is marked 9d. +Well, all you have to do is to pencil a 3--and a long down-stroke +after it--in FRONT of the ninepence, and people will think you have +given five times the price for it." + +In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that +behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said: "Ugh! it never +shines on me." I said: "Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried +about Daisy Mutlar. Don't think of her any more. You ought to +congratulate yourself on having got off a very bad bargain. Her +notions are far too grand for our simple tastes." He jumped up and +said: "I won't allow one word to be uttered against her. She's +worth the whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated, +sloping-head of a Perkupp included." I left the room with silent +dignity, but caught my foot in the mat. + +December 23.--I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; but +as he seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured +to ask him where he intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: +"Oh, most likely at the Mutlars'." + +In wonderment, I said: "What! after your engagement has been +broken off?" + +Lupin said: "Who said it is off?" + +I said: "You have given us both to understand--" + +He interrupted me by saying: "Well, never mind what I said. IT IS +ON AGAIN--THERE!" + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + + +I receive an insulting Christmas card. We spend a pleasant +Christmas at Carrie's mother's. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. A +boisterous evening, during which I am struck in the dark. I +receive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior, respecting +Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old Year. + + +December 24.--I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten +shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I +received this morning. I never insult people; why should they +insult me? The worst part of the transaction is, that I find +myself suspecting all my friends. The handwriting on the envelope +is evidently disguised, being written sloping the wrong way. I +cannot think either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing. +Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; although I +disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the offender. Mr. +Franching would be above such an act; and I don't think any of the +Mutlars would descend to such a course. I wonder if Pitt, that +impudent clerk at the office, did it? Or Mrs. Birrell, the +charwoman, or Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the +former. + +Christmas Day.--We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and spent +a pleasant day at Carrie's mother's. The country was quite nice +and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in the +middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old times. If +everybody had a nice, UNinterfering mother-in-law, such as I have, +what a deal of happiness there would be in the world. Being all in +good spirits, I proposed her health, and I made, I think, a very +good speech. + +I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: "On an occasion like this-- +whether relatives, friends, or acquaintances,--we are all inspired +with good feelings towards each other. We are of one mind, and +think only of love and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with +absent friends should kiss and make it up. Those who happily have +not fallen out, can kiss all the same." + +I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must +say I felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear old +Reverend John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and +amusing speech, and said he should act on my suggestion respecting +the kissing. He then walked round the table and kissed all the +ladies, including Carrie. Of course one did not object to this; +but I was more than staggered when a young fellow named Moss, who +was a stranger to me, and who had scarcely spoken a word through +dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprig of misletoe, and exclaimed: +"Hulloh! I don't see why I shouldn't be on in this scene." Before +one could realise what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and the +rest of the ladies. + +Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed; +but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a +moment as to the result. I subsequently referred to the matter to +Carrie, but she said: "Oh, he's not much more than a boy." I said +that he had a very large moustache for a boy. Carrie replied: "I +didn't say he was not a nice boy." + +December 26.--I did not sleep very well last night; I never do in a +strange bed. I feel a little indigestion, which one must expect at +this time of the year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the +evening. Lupin came in late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, +and added: "I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only +require a little more 'oof' to feel as fit as a 500 pounds +Stradivarius." I have long since given up trying to understand +Lupin's slang, or asking him to explain it. + +December 27.--I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings to +drop in to-morrow evening for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy +would volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of +which, he said: "Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked +Daisy and Frank Mutlar to come." I said I could not think of doing +such a thing. Lupin said: "Then I will send a wire, and put off +Daisy." I suggested that a post-card or letter would reach her +quite soon enough, and would not be so extravagant. + +Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent +annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. She said: +"Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting your father's friends? +Is it because they are not good enough for her, or (which is +equally possible) SHE is not good enough for them?" Lupin was +dumbfounded, and could make no reply. When he left the room, I +gave Carrie a kiss of approval. + +December 28--Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his +mother: "I have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them +to join Gowing and Cummings this evening." I felt very pleased +with the boy for this. Carrie said, in reply: "I am glad you let +me know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, dress +it with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been cut." +She further said she would make a few custards, and stew some +pippins, so that they would be cold by the evening. + +Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had +any personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings. He replied: +"Not in the least. I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that +is partly due to his patronising 'the three-and-six-one-price hat +company,' and wearing a reach-me-down frock-coat. As for that +perpetual brown velveteen jacket of Gowing's--why, he resembles an +itinerant photographer." + +I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon +Lupin, with a laugh, replied: "No, and it wasn't much of a +gentleman who made their coats." + +We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very +agreeable, especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she +sang. At supper, however, she said: "Can you make tee-to-tums +with bread?" and she commenced rolling up pieces of bread, and +twisting them round on the table. I felt this to be bad manners, +but of course said nothing. Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my +disgust, began throwing bread-pills at each other. Frank followed +suit, and so did Cummings and Gowing, to my astonishment. They +then commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece catching me +on the forehead, and making me blink. I said: "Steady, please; +steady!" Frank jumped up and said: "Tum, tum; then the band +played." + +I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued +the bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the +cold mutton, and threw it full in my face. I looked daggers at +Gowing, who replied: "I say, it's no good trying to look +indignant, with your hair full of parsley." I rose from the table, +and insisted that a stop should be put to this foolery at once. +Frank Mutlar shouted: "Time, gentlemen, please! time!" and turned +out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness. + +I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received a +hard intentional punch at the back of my head. I said loudly: +"Who did that?" There was no answer; so I repeated the question, +with the same result. I struck a match, and lighted the gas. They +were all talking and laughing, so I kept my own counsel; but, after +they had gone, I said to Carrie; "The person who sent me that +insulting post-card at Christmas was here to-night." + +December 29.--I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up, and +on falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I +dreamt I heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only +sent me the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the +one who punched my head last night in the dark. As fate would have +it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a letter he had +just received from Frank. + +I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing. +He did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing +the Christmas card. I detected a similarity in the writing, in +spite of the attempted disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who +began to laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she said +the card was never directed to me at all. It was "L. Pooter," not +"C. Pooter." Lupin asked to look at the direction and the card, +and exclaimed, with a laugh: "Oh yes, Guv., it's meant for me." + +I said: "Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas +cards?" He replied: "Oh yes, and of SENDING them, too." + +In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much +last night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old +friend, about the vicious punch last night. He burst out laughing, +and said: "Oh, it was YOUR HEAD, was it? I know I accidentally +hit something, but I thought it was a brick wall." I told him I +felt hurt, in both senses of the expression. + +December 30, Sunday.--Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars. +He seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: "I'm glad to +see you so happy, Lupin." He answered: "Well, Daisy is a splendid +girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of a father down a +peg. What with his meanness over his cigars, his stinginess over +his drinks, his farthing economy in turning down the gas if you +only quit the room for a second, writing to one on half-sheets of +note-paper, sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap on to the +new cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace, and his +general 'outside-halfpenny-'bus-ness,' I was compelled to let him +have a bit of my mind." I said: "Lupin, you are not much more +than a boy; I hope you won't repent it." + +December 31.--The last day of the Old Year. I received an +extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior. He writes: "Dear +Sir,--For a long time past I have had considerable difficulty +deciding the important question, 'Who is the master of my own +house? Myself, or YOUR SON Lupin?' Believe me, I have no +prejudice one way or the other; but I have been most reluctantly +compelled to give judgment to the effect that I am the master of +it. Under the circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid your +son to enter my house again. I am sorry, because it deprives me of +the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly +persons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with." + +I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said +nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter. + +A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but +promised to be back to drink out the Old Year--a custom we have +always observed. At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned, +and the fog was fearful. As time was drawing close, I got out the +spirits. Carrie and I deciding on whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; +but Carrie said it smelt like brandy. As I knew it to be whisky, I +said there was nothing to discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that +Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me +to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell. I said I +could decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary +argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it was a +quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married life, +we missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home at a quarter- +past two, having got lost in the fog--so he said. + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + + +Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office. I make +two good jokes. I get an enormous rise in my salary. Lupin +speculates successfully and starts a pony-trap. Have to speak to +Sarah. Extraordinary conduct of Gowing's. + + +January 1.--I had intended concluding my diary last week; but a +most important event has happened, so I shall continue for a little +while longer on the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last +year's diary. It had just struck half-past one, and I was on the +point of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received a +message that Mr. Perkupp desired to see me at once. I must confess +that my heart commenced to beat and I had most serious misgivings. + +Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: "Take a seat, +Mr. Pooter, I shall not be moment." + +I replied: "No, thank you, sir; I'll stand." + +I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite +twenty minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp at last got up +himself. + +I said: "I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?" + +He replied: "Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope." What a +weight off my mind! My breath seemed to come back again in an +instant. + +Mr. Perkupp said: "Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there will +be some slight changes in the office. You have been with us nearly +twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during that +period, we intend making a special promotion in your favour. We +have not quite decided how you will be placed; but in any case +there will be a considerable increase in your salary, which, it is +quite unnecessary for me to say, you fully deserve. I have an +appointment at two; but you shall hear more to-morrow." + +He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or +thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to him. I need +not say how dear Carrie received this joyful news. With perfect +simplicity she said: "At last we shall be able to have a chimney- +glass for the back drawing-room, which we always wanted." I added: +"Yes, and at last you shall have that little costume which you saw +at Peter Robinson's so cheap." + +January 2.--I was in a great state of suspense all day at the +office. I did not like to worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not +send for me, and mentioned yesterday that he would see me again to- +day, I thought it better, perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his +door, and on entering, Mr. Perkupp said: "Oh! it's you, Mr. +Pooter; do you want to see me?" I said: "No, sir, I thought you +wanted to see me!" "Oh!" he replied, "I remember. Well, I am very +busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow." + +January 3.--Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was +not alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should +not be at the office to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily +engaged with a paper, said suddenly to me: "Do you know anything +about CHALK PITS, Guv.?" I said: "No, my boy, not that I'm aware +of." Lupin said: "Well, I give you the tip; CHALK PITS are as +safe as Consols, and pay six per cent. at par." I said a rather +neat thing, viz.: "They may be six per cent. at PAR, but your PA +has no money to invest." Carrie and I both roared with laughter. +Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the joke, although I +purposely repeated it for him; but continued: "I give you the tip, +that's all--CHALK PITS!" I said another funny thing: "Mind you +don't fall into them!" Lupin put on a supercilious smile, and +said: "Bravo! Joe Miller." + +January 4.--Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position +would be that of one of the senior clerks. I was more than +overjoyed. Mr. Perkupp added, he would let me know to-morrow what +the salary would be. This means another day's anxiety; I don't +mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort. That reminded me that I +had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I received from +Mr. Mutlar, senr. I broached the subject to Lupin in the evening, +having first consulted Carrie. Lupin was riveted to the Financial +News, as if he had been a born capitalist, and I said: "Pardon me +a moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to the Mutlars' any +day this week?" + +Lupin answered: "I told you! I cannot stand old Mutlar." + +I said: "Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he +cannot stand you!" + +Lupin said: "Well, I like his cheek in writing to YOU. I'll find +out if his father is still alive, and I will write HIM a note +complaining of HIS son, and I'll state pretty clearly that his son +is a blithering idiot!" + +I said: "Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence +of your mother." + +Lupin said: "I'm very sorry, but there is no other expression one +can apply to him. However, I'm determined not to enter his place +again." + +I said: "You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house." + +Lupin replied: "Well, we won't split straws--it's all the same. +Daisy is a trump, and will wait for me ten years, if necessary." + +January 5.--I can scarcely write the news. Mr. Perkupp told me my +salary would be raised 100 pounds! I stood gaping for a moment +unable to realise it. I annually get 10 pounds rise, and I thought +it might be 15 pounds or even 20 pounds; but 100 pounds surpasses +all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good fortune. +Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits. I sent +Sarah quietly round to the grocer's for a bottle of champagne, the +same as we had before, "Jackson Freres." It was opened at supper, +and I said to Lupin: "This is to celebrate some good news I have +received to-day." Lupin replied: "Hooray, Guv.! And I have some +good news, also; a double event, eh?" I said: "My boy, as a +result of twenty-one years' industry and strict attention to the +interests of my superiors in office, I have been rewarded with +promotion and a rise in salary of 100 pounds." + +Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which +brought in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin ordered us to +"fill up" again, and addressing us upstanding, said: "Having been +in the firm of Job Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, +and not having paid particular attention to the interests of my +superiors in office, my Guv'nor, as a reward to me, allotted me 5 +pounds worth of shares in a really good thing. The result is, to- +day I have made 200 pounds." I said: "Lupin, you are joking." +"No, Guv., it's the good old truth; Job Cleanands PUT ME ON TO +CHLORATES." + +January 21.--I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a +pony-trap. I said: "Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous +extravagance?" Lupin replied: "Well, one must get to the City +somehow. I've only hired it, and can give it up any time I like." +I repeated my question: "Are you justified in this extravagance?" +He replied: "Look here, Guv., excuse me saying so, but you're a +bit out of date. It does not pay nowadays, fiddling about over +small things. I don't mean anything personal, Guv'nor. My boss +says if I take his tip, and stick to big things, I can make big +money!" I said I thought the very idea of speculation most +horrifying. Lupin said "It is not speculation, it's a dead cert." +I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and cart; +but he replied: "I made 200 pounds in one day; now suppose I only +make 200 pounds in a month, or put it at 100 pounds a month, which +is ridiculously low--why, that is 1,250 pounds a year. What's a +few pounds a week for a trap?" + +I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should +feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and +responsible for his own debts. He answered: "My dear Guv., I +promise you faithfully that I will never speculate with what I have +not got. I shall only go on Job Cleanands' tips, and as he is in +the 'know' it is pretty safe sailing." I felt somewhat relieved. +Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise, informed me that, +as he had made 10 pounds by one of Lupin's tips, he intended asking +us and the Cummings round next Saturday. Carrie and I said we +should be delighted. + +January 22.--I don't generally lose my temper with servants; but I +had to speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has +recently contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the +breakfast things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall +on the carpet, eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answered very +rudely: "Oh, you are always complaining." I replied: "Indeed, I +am not. I spoke to you last week about walking all over the +drawing-room carpet with a piece of yellow soap on the heel of your +boot." She said: "And you're always grumbling about your +breakfast." I said: "No, I am not; but I feel perfectly justified +in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled egg. The moment +I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, and I have spoken +to you at least fifty times about it." She began to cry and make a +scene; but fortunately my 'bus came by, so I had a good excuse for +leaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that we were +not to forget next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said: As he has +never asked any friends before, we are not likely to forget it. + +January 23.--I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes, he +recently made me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hair- +dresser tells me I ought not to brush my hair too much just now. + +January 24.--The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing- +room. Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on +each side. It is an immense improvement to the room. + +January 25.--We had just finished our tea, when who should come in +but Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks. I +noticed that he looked anything but well, so I said: "Well, +Cummings, how are you? You look a little blue." He replied: +"Yes! and I feel blue too." I said: "Why, what's the matter?" He +said: "Oh, nothing, except that I have been on my back for a +couple of weeks, that's all. At one time my doctor nearly gave me +up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has even taken the +trouble to inquire whether I was alive or dead." + +I said: "This is the first I have heard of it. I have passed your +house several nights, and presumed you had company, as the rooms +were so brilliantly lighted." + +Cummings replied: "No! The only company I have had was my wife, +the doctor, and the landlady--the last-named having turned out a +perfect trump. I wonder you did not see it in the paper. I know +it was mentioned in the Bicycle News." + +I thought to cheer him up, and said: "Well, you are all right +now?" + +He replied: "That's not the question. The question is whether an +illness does not enable you to discover who are your TRUE friends." + +I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make matters +worse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the +back, and said: "Hulloh! Have you seen a ghost? You look scared +to death, like Irving in Macbeth." I said: "Gently, Gowing, the +poor fellow has been very ill." Gowing roared with laughter and +said: "Yes, and you look it, too." Cummings quietly said: "Yes, +and I feel it too--not that I suppose you care." + +An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: "Never mind, Cummings, +you and the missis come round to my place to-morrow, and it will +cheer you up a bit; for we'll open a bottle of wine." + +January 26.--An extraordinary thing happened. Carrie and I went +round to Gowing's, as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and +rang several times without getting an answer. At last the latch +was drawn and the door opened a little way, the chain still being +up. A man in shirt-sleeves put his head through and said: "Who is +it? What do you want?" I said: "Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us." +The man said (as well as I could hear, owing to the yapping of a +little dog): "I don't think he is. Mr. Gowing is not at home." I +said: "He will be in directly." + +With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and me +standing on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner. + +Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then discovered +for the first time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the +paint had come off on my gloves--which were, in consequence, +completely spoiled. + +I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times. + +The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and began +abusing me. He said: "What do you mean by scratching the paint +with your stick like that, spoiling the varnish? You ought to be +ashamed of yourself." + +I said: "Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited--" + +He interrupted and said: "I don't care for Mr. Gowing, or any of +his friends. This is MY door, not Mr. Gowing's. There are people +here besides Mr. Gowing." + +The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely noticed it, +it was so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of +Gowing. + +At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings was very +lame and leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what +the matter was. + +The man said: "Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone. +All he said was he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and +he should not be back till Monday evening. He took his bag with +him." + +With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant with +Gowing's conduct to say anything. Cummings looked white with rage, +and as he descended the steps struck his stick violently on the +ground and said: "Scoundrel!" + + + +CHAPTER XV + + + +Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a drive, which we +don't enjoy. Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh. + + +February 8.--It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages for +breakfast. They are either full of bread or spice, or are as red +as beef. Still anxious about the 20 pounds I invested last week by +Lupin's advice. However, Cummings has done the same. + +February 9.--Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither +seen nor heard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in +asking us round to his house, and then being out. In the evening +Carrie was engaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had +purchased. I'll back Carrie's marking against anybody's. While I +was drying them at the fire, and Carrie was rebuking me for +scorching them, Cummings came in. + +He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the +collars. I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied +that he had not. I said I should not have believed that Gowing +could have acted in such an ungentlemanly manner. Cummings said: +"You are mild in your description of him; I think he has acted like +a cad." + +The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, and +Gowing, putting in his head, said: "May I come in?" I said: +"Certainly." Carrie said very pointedly: "Well, you ARE a +stranger." Gowing said: "Yes, I've been on and off to Croydon +during the last fortnight." I could see Cummings was boiling over, +and eventually he tackled Gowing very strongly respecting his +conduct last Saturday week. Gowing appeared surprised, and said: +"Why, I posted a letter to you in the morning announcing that the +party was 'off, very much off.'" I said: "I never got it." +Gowing, turning to Carrie, said: "I suppose letters sometimes +MISCARRY, don't they, MRS. Carrie?" Cummings sharply said: "This +is not a time for joking. I had no notice of the party being put +off." Gowing replied: "I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I +was in a hurry. However, I'll inquire at the post-office, and we +must meet again at my place." I added that I hoped he would be +present at the next meeting. Carrie roared at this, and even +Cummings could not help laughing. + +February 10, Sunday.--Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin +to persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his +trap. I quite disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not +like to trust Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. +Lupin said: "Now, that is nice of you, Guv., but you won't mind +sitting on the back-seat of the cart?" + +Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles too +large for him. Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the +back. Lupin said: "Haven't you seen a box-coat before? You can't +drive in anything else." + +He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive +with him again. His conduct was shocking. When we passed Highgate +Archway, he tried to pass everything and everybody. He shouted to +respectable people who were walking quietly in the road to get out +of the way; he flicked at the horse of an old man who was riding, +causing it to rear; and, as I had to ride backwards, I was +compelled to face a gang of roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had +chaffed, and who turned and followed us for nearly a mile, +bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say nothing +of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel. + +Lupin's excuse--that the Prince of Wales would have to put up with +the same sort of thing if he drove to the Derby--was of little +consolation to either Carrie or myself. Frank Mutlar called in the +evening, and Lupin went out with him. + +February 11.--Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered up +courage to speak to Mr. Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has always +been most kind to me, so I told him everything, including +yesterday's adventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: "There is no +necessity for you to be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would be +impossible for a son of such good parents to turn out erroneously. +Remember he is young, and will soon get older. I wish we could +find room for him in this firm." The advice of this good man takes +loads off my mind. In the evening Lupin came in. + +After our little supper, he said: "My dear parents, I have some +news, which I fear will affect you considerably." I felt a qualm +come over me, and said nothing. Lupin then said: "It may distress +you--in fact, I'm sure it will--but this afternoon I have given up +my pony and trap for ever." It may seem absurd, but I was so +pleased, I immediately opened a bottle of port. Gowing dropped in +just in time, bringing with him a large sheet, with a print of a +tailless donkey, which he fastened against the wall. He then +produced several separate tails, and we spent the remainder of the +evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in the proper place. +My sides positively ached with laughter when I went to bed. + +February 12.--In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement +with Daisy Mutlar. I asked if he had heard from her. He replied: +"No; she promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she +would not communicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in +fact, he said he might call again this evening." Frank called, but +said he could not stop, as he had a friend waiting outside for him, +named Murray Posh, adding he was quite a swell. Carrie asked Frank +to bring him in. + +He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr. Murray +Posh was a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervous +disposition, as he subsequently confessed he would never go in a +hansom cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler until the driver had +first got on the box with his reins in his hands. + +On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said: +"Any relation to 'Posh's three-shilling hats'?" Mr. Posh replied: +"Yes; but please understand I don't try on hats myself. I take no +ACTIVE part in the business." I replied: "I wish I had a business +like it." Mr. Posh seemed pleased, and gave a long but most +interesting history of the extraordinary difficulties in the +manufacture of cheap hats. + +Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the +way he was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, +laughingly: "If you don't look out, Posh will cut you out!" When +they had all gone, I referred to this flippant conversation; and +Lupin said, sarcastically: "A man who is jealous has no respect +for himself. A man who would be jealous of an elephant like Murray +Posh could only have a contempt for himself. I know Daisy. She +WOULD wait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, if +necessary, SHE WOULD WAIT TWENTY YEARS FOR ME." + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + + +We lose money over Lupin's advice as to investment, so does +Cummings. Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar. + + +February 18.--Carrie has several times recently called attention to +the thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me +to get it seen to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the +aid of a small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the +edge of the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand +and smashed it. Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she is +rather absurdly superstitious. To make matters worse, my large +photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, and the glass +cracked. + +Carrie said: "Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about to +happen." + +I said: "Nonsense, dear." + +In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little +agitated. I said: "What's up, my boy?" He hesitated a good deal, +and then said: "You know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you +to invest 20 pounds in? I replied: "Yes, they are all right, I +trust?" He replied: "Well, no! To the surprise of everybody, +they have utterly collapsed." + +My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing. +Carrie looked at me, and said: "What did I tell you?" Lupin, +after a while, said: "However, you are specially fortunate. I +received an early tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was +fortunate to get 2 pounds for them. So you get something after +all." + +I gave a sigh of relief. I said: "I was not so sanguine as to +suppose, as you predicted, that I should get six or eight times the +amount of my investment; still a profit of 2 pounds is a good +percentage for such a short time." Lupin said, quite irritably: +"You don't understand. I sold your 20 pounds shares for 2 pounds; +you therefore lose 18 pounds on the transaction, whereby Cummings +and Gowing will lose the whole of theirs." + +February 19.--Lupin, before going to town, said: "I am very sorry +about those Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the +boss, Job Cleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, you must +not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office. Job +Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it strikes me +several people DO want to see him very particularly." + +In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a +collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the +room, without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, "May I +come in?" + +He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be +in the very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I broached the +subject to him, but he did so of his own accord. He said: "I say, +those Parachikka Chlorates have gone an awful smash! You're a nice +one, Master Lupin. How much do you lose?" Lupin, to my utter +astonishment, said: "Oh! I had nothing in them. There was some +informality in my application--I forgot to enclose the cheque or +something, and I didn't get any. The Guv. loses 18 pounds." I +said: "I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have +induced me to speculate." Lupin replied: "Well, it can't be +helped; you must go double on the next tip." Before I could reply, +Gowing said: "Well, I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I +heard, I did not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to +take my 15 pounds worth, as he had more faith in them than I had." + +Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said: +"Alas, poor Cummings. He'll lose 35 pounds." At that moment there +was a ring at the bell. Lupin said: "I don't want to meet +Cummings." If he had gone out of the door he would have met him in +the passage, so as quickly as possible Lupin opened the parlour +window and got out. Gowing jumped up suddenly, exclaiming: "I +don't want to see him either!" and, before I could say a word, he +followed Lupin out of the window. + +For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my +most intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of +interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course +was naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing. I pressed him +to have a little whisky, and he replied that he had given up +whisky; but would like a little "Unsweetened," as he was advised it +was the most healthy spirit. I had none in the house, but sent +Sarah round to Lockwood's for some. + +February 20.--The first thing that caught my eye on opening the +Standard was--"Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers! Mr. Job +Cleanands absconded!" I handed it to Carrie, and she replied: +"Oh! perhaps it's for Lupin's good. I never did think it a +suitable situation for him." I thought the whole affair very +shocking. + +Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully +distressed, I said: "We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very +sorry for you." Lupin said: "How did you know? who told you?" I +handed him the Standard. He threw the paper down, and said: "Oh I +don't care a button for that! I expected that, but I did not +expect this." He then read a letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, +in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar is to be married next month to +Murray Posh. I exclaimed, "Murray Posh! Is not that the very man +Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday week?" Lupin +said: "Yes; the 'POSH'S-THREE-SHILLING-HATS' chap." + +We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence. + +In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too worried, but I +cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon. If I cannot get streaky +bacon, I will do without anything. + +When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his +face. I asked him what it meant. He replied: "Oh! only a little +consolation--still it is a consolation. I have just remembered +that, by MY advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested 600 pounds in +Parachikka Chlorates!" + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + + +Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The dream of my life +realised. Mr. Perkupp takes Lupin into the office. + + +March 20.--To-day being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. +Murray Posh are to be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to +spend the day at Gravesend. Lupin has been much cut-up over the +affair, although he declares that he is glad it is off. I wish he +would not go to so many music-halls, but one dare not say anything +to him about it. At the present moment he irritates me by singing +all over the house some nonsense about "What's the matter with +Gladstone? He's all right! What's the matter with Lupin? He's +all right!" _I_ don't think either of them is. In the evening +Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation was Daisy's +marriage to Murray Posh. I said: "I was glad the matter was at an +end, as Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin." Gowing, with +his usual good taste, said: "Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of +himself without any assistance." Carrie very properly resented +this, and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry. + +March 21.--To-day I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of the +happiest days of my life. My great dream of the last few weeks--in +fact, of many years--has been realised. This morning came a letter +from Mr. Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the office with +me. I went to Lupin's room; poor fellow, he seemed very pale, and +said he had a bad headache. He had come back yesterday from +Gravesend, where he spent part of the day in a small boat on the +water, having been mad enough to neglect to take his overcoat with +him. I showed him Mr. Perkupp's letter, and he got up as quickly +as possible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured +clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking. + +Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she +could keep on saying was: "Oh, I DO hope it will be all right." +For myself, I could scarcely eat any breakfast. Lupin came down +dressed quietly, and looking a perfect gentleman, except that his +face was rather yellow. Carrie, by way of encouragement said: +"You do look nice, Lupin." Lupin replied: "Yes, it's a good make- +up, isn't it? A regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first- +class-City-firm-junior-clerk." He laughed rather ironically. + +In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah +to fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage, and found +Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat. I said: +"Lupin, my boy, what are you doing? How wicked of you! Some poor +fellow would be glad to have it." Lupin replied: "I would not +insult any poor fellow by giving it to him." + +When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw +inside "Posh's Patent." Poor Lupin! I can forgive him. It seemed +hours before we reached the office. Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, +who was with him nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought, +crestfallen in appearance. I said: "Well, Lupin, how about Mr. +Perkupp?" Lupin commenced his song: "What's the matter with +Perkupp? He's all right!" I felt instinctively my boy was +engaged. I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I could not speak. He said: +"Well, Mr. Pooter, what is it?" I must have looked a fool, for all +I could say was: "Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man." He looked at +me for a moment, and said: "No, Mr. Pooter, YOU are the good man; +and we'll see if we cannot get your son to follow such an excellent +example." I said: "Mr. Perkupp, may I go home? I cannot work any +more to-day." + +My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head. It was +as much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the 'bus; in +fact, I should have done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted +by Lupin, who was having a quarrel with a fat man in the 'bus, whom +he accused of taking up too much room. + +In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and +his wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the fire, and in a +bottle of "Jackson Freres," which Sarah fetched from the grocer's, +drank Lupin's health. I lay awake for hours, thinking of the +future. My boy in the same office as myself--we can go down +together by the 'bus, come home together, and who knows but in the +course of time he may take great interest in our little home. That +he may help me to put a nail in here or a nail in there, or help +his dear mother to hang a picture. In the summer he may help us in +our little garden with the flowers, and assist us to paint the +stands and pots. (By-the-by, I must get in some more enamel +paint.) All this I thought over and over again, and a thousand +happy thoughts beside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon +after fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people--Lupin, dear +Carrie, and myself. + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + + +Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, where +I am let in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. +An odd invitation to Southend. + + +April 8.--No events of any importance, except that Gowing strongly +recommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me nine-and- +sixpence, and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. +It has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. +The ink oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once +at the office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk +to jerk the ink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called +out: "Stop that knocking! I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?" That +young monkey, Pitt, took a malicious glee in responding quite +loudly: "No, sir; I beg pardon, it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it +has been going on all the morning." To make matters worse, I saw +Lupin laughing behind his desk. I thought it wiser to say nothing. +I took the pen back to the shop and asked them if they would take +it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full price +returned, but was willing to take half. The man said he could not +do that--buying and selling were two different things. Lupin's +conduct during the period he has been in Mr. Perkupp's office has +been most exemplary. My only fear is, it is too good to last. + +April 9.--Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrie +and myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which +he thought would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton +(Sir William Grime) had promised his patronage. We accepted of his +kindness, and he stayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable +for trying a bottle of the sparkling Algera that Mr. James (of +Sutton) had sent as a present. Gowing sipped the wine, observing +that he had never tasted it before, and further remarked that his +policy was to stick to more recognised brands. I told him it was a +present from a dear friend, and one mustn't look a gift-horse in +the mouth. Gowing facetiously replied: "And he didn't like +putting it in the mouth either." + +I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting +it myself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for +them. The sparkling Algera is very like cider, only more sour. I +suggested that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid. He +merely replied: "Oh! I don't think so." We had a very pleasant +game of cards, though I lost four shillings and Carrie lost one, +and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence: how he could have +lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only other players, +remains a mystery. + +April 14, Sunday.--Owing, I presume, to the unsettled weather, I +awoke with a feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight +as a drum. Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, +members of our congregation who had walked back with us, I was much +annoyed to find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path, +evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who, +whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside their +conservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and +imitating birds. + +April 15.--Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce, +through that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before +putting it on the table. + +April 16.--The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my +advice, Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful +in at the Mansion House, for it had occurred to me, being a +military ball, that Mr. Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in +the Honorary Artillery Company, would in all probability be +present. Lupin, in his usual incomprehensible language, remarked +that he had heard it was a "bounders' ball." I didn't ask him what +he meant though I didn't understand. Where he gets these +expressions from I don't know; he certainly doesn't learn them at +home. + +The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we +arrived an hour later we should be in good time, without being +"unfashionable," as Mrs. James says. It was very difficult to +find--the cabman having to get down several times to inquire at +different public-houses where the Drill Hall was. I wonder at +people living in such out-of-the-way places. No one seemed to know +it. However, after going up and down a good many badly-lighted +streets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it was so far +from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who only +grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and was +impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to +take a 'bus. + +Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that it +was better late than never. He seemed a very good-looking +gentleman though, as Carrie remarked, "rather short for an +officer." He begged to be excused for leaving us, as he was +engaged for a dance, and hoped we should make ourselves at home. +Carrie took my arm and we walked round the rooms two or three times +and watched the people dancing. I couldn't find a single person I +knew, but attributed it to most of them being in uniform. As we +were entering the supper-room I received a slap on the shoulder, +followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: "Mr. Padge, I +believe;" he replied, "That's right." + +I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made +herself at home with Carrie at once. + +There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne, +claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless +of expense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular +liking for, but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that +I asked him to sit at our table, and I must say that for a short +fat man he looked well in uniform, although I think his tunic was +rather baggy in the back. It was the only supper-room that I have +been in that was not over-crowded; in fact we were the only people +there, everybody being so busy dancing. + +I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said her +name was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the +bottle to Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying: "You must look after +yourself." He replied: "That's right," and poured out half a +tumbler and drank Carrie's health, coupled, as he said, "with her +worthy lord and master." We all had some splendid pigeon pie, and +ices to follow. + +The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like some +more wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also +some people who had just come from the dancing-room, who were very +civil. It occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the +gentlemen knew me in the City, as they were so polite. I made +myself useful, and assisted several ladies to ices, remembering an +old saying that "There is nothing lost by civility." + +The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball- +room. The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the +dancing, and as I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge +offered his arms to them and escorted them to the ball-room, +telling me to follow. I said to Mr. Padge: "It is quite a West +End affair," to which remark Mr. Padge replied: "That's right." + +When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter +who had been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on +the shoulder. I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball +to expect a tip, but nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been +very attentive. He smilingly replied: "I beg your pardon, sir, +this is no good," alluding to the shilling. "Your party's had four +suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s., three bottles of champagne +at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny cigar for the stout +gentleman--in all 3 pounds 0s. 6d.!" + +I don't think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only +sufficient breath to inform him that I had received a private +invitation, to which he answered that he was perfectly well aware +of that; but that the invitation didn't include eatables and +drinkables. A gentleman who was standing at the bar corroborated +the waiter's statement, and assured me it was quite correct. + +The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any +misapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course there was +nothing to be done but to pay. So, after turning out my pockets, I +just managed to scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but +the manager, on my giving my card to him, said: "That's all +right." + +I don't think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I +determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would +entirely destroy the pleasant evening she was enjoying. I felt +there was no more enjoyment for me that evening, and it being late, +I sought Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin. Carrie said she was quite ready +to go, and Mrs. Lupkin, as we were wishing her "Good-night," asked +Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend? On my +replying that I hadn't been there for many years, she very kindly +said: "Well, why don't you come down and stay at our place?" As +her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carrie wished to +go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay +till Monday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow, +giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc. + +When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that the +roads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great +difficulty in getting a cabman to take us to Holloway. After +waiting a bit, a man said he would drive us, anyhow, as far as "The +Angel," at Islington, and we could easily get another cab from +there. It was a tedious journey; the rain was beating against the +windows and trickling down the inside of the cab. + +When we arrived at "The Angel" the horse seemed tired out. Carrie +got out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay, to my +absolute horror I remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie. I +explained to the cabman how we were situated. Never in my life +have I ever been so insulted; the cabman, who was a rough bully and +to my thinking not sober, called me every name he could lay his +tongue to, and positively seized me by the beard, which he pulled +till the tears came into my eyes. I took the number of a policeman +(who witnessed the assault) for not taking the man in charge. The +policeman said he couldn't interfere, that he had seen no assault, +and that people should not ride in cabs without money. + +We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when +I got in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word +for word, as I intend writing to the Telegraph for the purpose of +proposing that cabs should be driven only by men under Government +control, to prevent civilians being subjected to the disgraceful +insult and outrage that I had had to endure. + +April 17.--No water in our cistern again. Sent for Putley, who +said he would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc. + +April 18.--Water all right again in the cistern. Mrs. James, of +Sutton, called in the afternoon. She and Carrie draped the +mantelpiece in the drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs +and beetles all over it, as Mrs. James says it's quite the fashion. +It was Mrs. James' suggestion, and of course Carrie always does +what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece +as it was; but there, I'm a plain man, and don't pretend to be in +the fashion. + +April 19.--Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a +rather offensive tone accused me, or "someone," of boring a hole in +his cistern and letting out his water to supply our cistern, which +adjoined his. He said he should have his repaired, and send us in +the bill. + +April 20.--Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying he had +been on his back for a week. It appears he was trying to shut his +bedroom door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase, +and unknown to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with +had got between the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling +the door hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his +hands, and he fell backwards downstairs. + +On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed +out of the room sideways. Cummings looked very indignant, and +remarked it was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and +though I had my suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured +Cummings that he had only run out to open the door to a friend he +expected. Cummings said this was the second time he had been laid +up, and we had never sent to inquire. I said I knew nothing about +it. Cummings said: "It was mentioned in the Bicycle News." + +April 22.--I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her +nails a good deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she +was doing, she replied: "Oh, I'm going in for manicuring. It's +all the fashion now." I said: "I suppose Mrs. James introduced +that into your head." Carrie laughingly replied: "Yes; but +everyone does it now." + +I wish Mrs. James wouldn't come to the house. Whenever she does +she always introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie's +head. One of these days I feel sure I shall tell her she's not +welcome. I am sure it was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing +on dark slate-coloured paper with white ink. Nonsense! + +April 23.--Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling +us the train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep our +promise to stay with her. The letter concluded: "You must come +and stay at our house; we shall charge you half what you will have +to pay at the Royal, and the view is every bit as good." Looking +at the address at the top of the note-paper, I found it was +"Lupkin's Family and Commercial Hotel." + +I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to "decline her kind +invitation." Carrie thought this very satirical, and to the point. + +By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night. I +ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards', and chose +the pattern by gaslight, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and- +salt mixture with white stripes down. They came home this morning, +and, to my horror, I found it was quite a flash-looking suit. +There was a lot of green with bright yellow-coloured stripes. + +I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling. She +said: "What mixture did you say you asked for?" + +I said: "A quiet pepper and salt." + +Carrie said: "Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want to +know the truth." + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + + +Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow. We have a pleasant and +quiet dinner at his uncle's, marred only by a few awkward mistakes +on my part respecting Mr. Finsworth's pictures. A discussion on +dreams. + + +April 27.--Kept a little later than usual at the office, and as I +was hurrying along a man stopped me, saying: "Hulloh! That's a +face I know." I replied politely: "Very likely; lots of people +know me, although I may not know them." He replied: "But you know +me--Teddy Finsworth." So it was. He was at the same school with +me. I had not seen him for years and years. No wonder I did not +know him! At school he was at least a head taller than I was; now +I am at least a head taller than he is, and he has a thick beard, +almost grey. He insisted on my having a glass of wine (a thing I +never do), and told me he lived at Middlesboro', where he was +Deputy Town Clerk, a position which was as high as the Town Clerk +of London--in fact, higher. He added that he was staying for a few +days in London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul Finsworth (of +Finsworth and Pultwell). He said he was sure his uncle would be +only too pleased to see me, and he had a nice house, Watney Lodge, +only a few minutes' walk from Muswell Hill Station. I gave him our +address, and we parted. + +In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter +from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would dine with +them to-morrow (Sunday), at two o'clock, he would be delighted. +Carrie did not like to go; but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much +we consented. Carrie sent Sarah round to the butcher's and +countermanded our half-leg of mutton, which we had ordered for to- +morrow. + +April 28, Sunday.--We found Watney Lodge farther off than we +anticipated, and only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling +hot and uncomfortable. To make matters worse, a large collie dog +pounced forward to receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up at +Carrie, covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the +first time, with mud. Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dog +off and apologised. We were shown into the drawing-room, which was +beautifully decorated. It was full of knick-knacks, and some +plates hung up on the wall. There were several little wooden milk- +stools with paintings on them; also a white wooden banjo, painted +by one of Mr. Paul Finsworth's nieces--a cousin of Teddy's. + +Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking elderly +gentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie. There were a great many +water-colours hanging on the walls, mostly different views of +India, which were very bright. Mr. Finsworth said they were +painted by "Simpz," and added that he was no judge of pictures +himself but had been informed on good authority that they were +worth some hundreds of pounds, although he had only paid a few +shillings apiece for them, frames included, at a sale in the +neighbourhood. + +There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done in +coloured crayons. It looked like a religious subject. I was very +much struck with the lace collar, it looked so real, but I +unfortunately made the remark that there was something about the +expression of the face that was not quite pleasing. It looked +pinched. Mr. Finsworth sorrowfully replied: "Yes, the face was +done after death--my wife's sister." + +I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper +said I hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We both stood looking at +the picture for a few minutes in silence, when Mr. Finsworth took +out a handkerchief and said: "She was sitting in our garden last +summer," and blew his nose violently. He seemed quite affected, so +I turned to look at something else and stood in front of a portrait +of a jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face and straw +hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth: "Who is this jovial-looking +gentleman? Life doesn't seem to trouble him much." Mr. Finsworth +said: "No, it doesn't. HE IS DEAD TOO--my brother." + +I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness. Fortunately at +this moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken her +upstairs to take off her bonnet and brush her skirt. Teddy said: +"Short is late," but at that moment the gentleman referred to +arrived, and I was introduced to him by Teddy, who said: "Do you +know Mr. Short?" I replied, smiling, that I had not that pleasure, +but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr. SHORT. He +evidently did not see my little joke, although I repeated it twice +with a little laugh. I suddenly remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. +Short was perhaps VERY PARTICULAR. In this I was mistaken, for he +was not at all particular in several of his remarks after dinner. +In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations that I took the +opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I feared she found Mr. +Short occasionally a little embarrassing. To my surprise she said: +"Oh! he is privileged you know." I did not know as a matter of +fact, and so I bowed apologetically. I fail to see why Mr. Short +should be privileged. + +Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog, +which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining- +room table. It kept growling and snapping at my boots every time I +moved my foot. Feeling nervous rather, I spoke to Mrs. Finsworth +about the animal, and she remarked: "It is only his play." She +jumped up and let in a frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called +Bibbs, which had been scratching at the door. This dog also seemed +to take a fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it +had licked off every bit of blacking from them. I was positively +ashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. Finsworth, who, I must say, is +not much of a Job's comforter, said: "Oh! we are used to Bibbs +doing that to our visitors." + +Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether it +is a good thing to take on the top of beer. It made me feel a +little sleepy, while it had the effect of inducing Mr. Short to +become "privileged" to rather an alarming extent. It being cold +even for April, there was a fire in the drawing-room; we sat round +in easy-chairs, and Teddy and I waxed rather eloquent over the old +school days, which had the effect of sending all the others to +sleep. I was delighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned, that it +did have that effect on him. + +We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for the +fact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my +boots. Polished them myself when I got home. Went to church in +the evening, and could scarcely keep awake. I will not take port +on the top of beer again. + +April 29.--I am getting quite accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, +and I do not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she has +a certain amount of right to do so; but I do think it hard to be at +once snubbed by wife, son, and both my guests. + +Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I +suddenly remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago, +and I thought I would tell them about it. I dreamt I saw some huge +blocks of ice in a shop with a bright glare behind them. I walked +into the shop and the heat was overpowering. I found that the +blocks of ice were on fire. The whole thing was so real and yet so +supernatural I woke up in a cold perspiration. Lupin in a most +contemptuous manner, said: "What utter rot." + +Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completely +uninteresting as other people's dreams. + +I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with the +others and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said: "It +seemed so real to me." Gowing replied: "Yes, to YOU perhaps, but +not to US." Whereupon they all roared. + +Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: "He tells me his stupid +dreams every morning nearly." I replied: "Very well, dear, I +promise you I will never tell you or anybody else another dream of +mine the longest day I live." Lupin said: "Hear! hear!" and +helped himself to another glass of beer. The subject was +fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting article +on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse. + + + +CHAPTER XX + + + +Dinner at Franching's to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle. + + +May 10.--Received a letter from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking +us to dine with him to-night, at seven o'clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur +Huttle, a very clever writer for the American papers. Franching +apologised for the short notice; but said he had at the last moment +been disappointed of two of his guests and regarded us as old +friends who would not mind filling up the gap. Carrie rather +demurred at the invitation; but I explained to her that Franching +was very well off and influential, and we could not afford to +offend him. "And we are sure to get a good dinner and a good glass +of champagne." "Which never agrees with you!" Carrie replied, +sharply. I regarded Carrie's observation as unsaid. Mr. Franching +asked us to wire a reply. As he had said nothing about dress in +the letter, I wired back: "With pleasure. Is it full dress?" and +by leaving out our name, just got the message within the sixpence. + +Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a telegram +instructing us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching's +house; but she would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her. +What a long journey it is from Holloway to Peckham! Why do people +live such a long way off? Having to change 'buses, I allowed +plenty of time--in fact, too much; for we arrived at twenty minutes +to seven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up +to dress. However, he was down as the clock struck seven; he must +have dressed very quickly. + +I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did +not know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells. +Franching had got a professional waiter, and evidently spared no +expense. There were flowers on the table round some fairy-lamps +and the effect, I must say, was exquisite. The wine was good and +there was plenty of champagne, concerning which Franching said he +himself, never wished to taste better. We were ten in number, and +a menu card to each. One lady said she always preserved the menu +and got the guests to write their names on the back. + +We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was of +course the important guest. + +The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur Huttle, +Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. Purdick, +Mr. Pratt, Mr. R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. +Charles Pooter. Franching said he was sorry he had no lady for me +to take in to dinner. I replied that I preferred it, which I +afterwards thought was a very uncomplimentary observation to make. + +I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner. She seemed a well-informed +lady, but was very deaf. It did not much matter, for Mr. Hardfur +Huttle did all the talking. He is a marvellously intellectual man +and says things which from other people would seem quite alarming. +How I wish I could remember even a quarter of his brilliant +conversation. I made a few little reminding notes on the menu +card. + +One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful--though not +to my way of thinking of course. Mrs. Purdick happened to say "You +are certainly unorthodox, Mr. Huttle." Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar +expression (I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice: "Mrs. +Purdick, 'orthodox' is a grandiloquent word implying sticking-in- +the-mud. If Columbus and Stephenson had been orthodox, there would +neither have been the discovery of America nor the steam-engine." +There was quite a silence. It appeared to me that such teaching +was absolutely dangerous, and yet I felt--in fact we must all have +felt--there was no answer to the argument. A little later on, Mrs. +Purdick, who is Franching's sister and also acted as hostess, rose +from the table, and Mr. Huttle said: "Why, ladies, do you deprive +us of your company so soon? Why not wait while we have our +cigars?" + +The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie) were in +no way inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle's fascinating society, +and immediately resumed their seats, amid much laughter and a +little chaff. Mr. Huttle said: "Well, that's a real good sign; +you shall not be insulted by being called orthodox any longer." +Mrs. Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp woman, +said: "Mr. Huttle, we will meet you half-way--that is, till you +get half-way through your cigar. That, at all events, will be the +happy medium." + +I shall never forget the effect the words, "happy medium," had upon +him. He was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation of the +words. He positively alarmed me. He said something like the +following: "Happy medium, indeed. Do you know 'happy medium' are +two words which mean 'miserable mediocrity'? I say, go first class +or third; marry a duchess or her kitchenmaid. The happy medium +means respectability, and respectability means insipidness. Does +it not, Mr. Pooter?" + +I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I could +only bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not competent to +offer an opinion. Carrie was about to say something; but she was +interrupted, for which I was rather pleased, for she is not clever +at argument, and one has to be extra clever to discuss a subject +with a man like Mr. Huttle. + +He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcome +opinions positively convincing: "The happy medium is nothing more +or less than a vulgar half-measure. A man who loves champagne and, +finding a pint too little, fears to face a whole bottle and has +recourse to an imperial pint, will never build a Brooklyn Bridge or +an Eiffel Tower. No, he is half-hearted, he is a half-measure-- +respectable--in fact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of +his days in a suburban villa with a stucco-column portico, +resembling a four-post bedstead." + +We all laughed. + +"That sort of thing," continued Mr. Huttle, "belongs to a soft man, +with a soft beard with a soft head, with a made tie that hooks on." + +This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking in +the glass of the cheffoniere; for _I_ had on a tie that hooked on-- +and why not? If these remarks were not personal they were rather +careless, and so were some of his subsequent observations, which +must have made both Mr. Franching and his guests rather +uncomfortable. I don't think Mr. Huttle meant to be personal, for +he added; "We don't know that class here in this country: but we +do in America, and I've no use for them." + +Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passed +round the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but continued as if +he were giving a lecture: + +"What we want in America is your homes. We live on wheels. Your +simple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, are charming. No +display, no pretension! You make no difference in your dinner, I +dare say, when you sit down by yourself and when you invite us. +You have your own personal attendant--no hired waiter to breathe on +the back of your head." + +I saw Franching palpably wince at this. + +Mr. Huttle continued: "Just a small dinner with a few good things, +such as you have this evening. You don't insult your guests by +sending to the grocer for champagne at six shillings a bottle." + +I could not help thinking of "Jackson Freres" at three-and-six! + +"In fact," said Mr. Huttle, "a man is little less than a murderer +who does. That is the province of the milksop, who wastes his +evening at home playing dominoes with his wife. I've heard of +these people. We don't want them at this table. Our party is well +selected. We've no use for deaf old women, who cannot follow +intellectual conversation." + +All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being +deaf, did not hear his remarks; but continued smiling approval. + +"We have no representative at Mr. Franching's table," said Mr. +Huttle, "of the unenlightened frivolous matron, who goes to a +second class dance at Bayswater and fancies she is in Society. +Society does not know her; it has no use for her." + +Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was afforded for +the ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching quietly to excuse me, as +I did not wish to miss the last train, which we very nearly did, +by-the-by, through Carrie having mislaid the little cloth cricket- +cap which she wears when we go out. + +It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering the +sitting-room I said: "Carrie, what do you think of Mr. Hardfur +Huttle?" She simply answered: "How like Lupin!" The same idea +occurred to me in the train. The comparison kept me awake half the +night. Mr. Huttle was, of course, an older and more influential +man; but he WAS like Lupin, and it made me think how dangerous +Lupin would be if he were older and more influential. I feel proud +to think Lupin DOES resemble Mr. Huttle in some ways. Lupin, like +Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes wonderful ideas; but it is +those ideas that are so dangerous. They make men extremely rich or +extremely poor. They make or break men. I always feel people are +happier who live a simple unsophisticated life. I believe _I_ am +happy because I am not ambitious. Somehow I feel that Lupin, since +he has been with Mr. Perkupp, has become content to settle down and +follow the footsteps of his father. This is a comfort. + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + + +Lupin is discharged. We are in great trouble. Lupin gets engaged +elsewhere at a handsome salary. + + +May 13.--A terrible misfortune has happened: Lupin is discharged +from Mr. Perkupp's office; and I scarcely know how I am writing my +diary. I was away from office last Sat., the first time I have +been absent through illness for twenty years. I believe I was +poisoned by some lobster. Mr. Perkupp was also absent, as Fate +would have it; and our most valued customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went +to the office in a rage, and withdrew his custom. My boy Lupin not +only had the assurance to receive him, but recommended him the firm +of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited. In my own humble judgment, and +though I have to say it against my own son, this seems an act of +treachery. + +This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me that +Lupin's services are no longer required, and an interview with me +is desired at eleven o'clock. I went down to the office with an +aching heart, dreading an interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I +have never had a word. I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning. He +had not got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie said I +should do no good by disturbing him. My mind wandered so at the +office that I could not do my work properly. + +As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the following +conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it. + +Mr. Perkupp said: "Good-morning, Mr. Pooter! This is a very +serious business. I am not referring so much to the dismissal of +your son, for I knew we should have to part sooner or later. _I_ +am the head of this old, influential, and much-respected firm; and +when _I_ consider the time has come to revolutionise the business, +_I_ will do it myself." + +I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: "I +hope, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way countenanced +my son's unwarrantable interference?" Mr. Perkupp rose from his +seat and took my hand, and said: "Mr. Pooter, I would as soon +suspect myself as suspect you." I was so agitated that in the +confusion, to show my gratitude I very nearly called him a "grand +old man." + +Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a "grand old +master." I was so unaccountable for my actions that I sat down, +leaving him standing. Of course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp +bade me sit down, which I was very pleased to do. Mr. Perkupp, +resuming, said: "You will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high- +standing nature of our firm will not admit of our bending to +anybody. If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to put his work into other +hands--I may add, less experienced hands--it is not for us to bend +and beg back his custom." "You SHALL not do it, sir," I said with +indignation. "Exactly," replied Mr. Perkupp; "I shall NOT do it. +But I was thinking this, Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon is our most +valued client, and I will even confess--for I know this will not go +beyond ourselves--that we cannot afford very well to lose him, +especially in these times, which are not of the brightest. Now, I +fancy you can be of service." + +I replied: "Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve you!" + +Mr. Perkupp said: "I know you will. Now, what I should like you +to do is this. You yourself might write to Mr. Crowbillon--you +must not, of course, lead him to suppose I know anything about your +doing so--and explain to him that your son was only taken on as a +clerk--quite an inexperienced one in fact--out of the respect the +firm had for you, Mr. Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. I don't +suggest that you should speak in too strong terms of your own son's +conduct; but I may add, that had he been a son of mine, I should +have condemned his interference with no measured terms. That I +leave to you. I think the result will be that Mr. Crowbillon will +see the force of the foolish step he has taken, and our firm will +neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket." + +I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp is. +His manners and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with +respect. + +I said: "Would you like to see the letter before I send it?" + +Mr. Perkupp said: "Oh no! I had better not. I am supposed to +know nothing about it, and I have every confidence in you. You +must write the letter carefully. We are not very busy; you had +better take the morning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. I +shall be here myself all day to-morrow, in fact all the week, in +case Mr. Crowbillon should call." + +I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that +I could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact anybody, if +they called in the evening. Lupin came into the parlour for a +moment with a new hat on, and asked my opinion of it. I said I was +not in the mood to judge of hats, and I did not think he was in a +position to buy a new one. Lupin replied carelessly: "I didn't +buy it; it was a present." + +I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like +to ask him questions, as I dread the answers so. He, however, +saved me the trouble. + +He said: "I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite +think a friend at the time; but it's all right. As he wisely said, +'all is fair in love and war,' and there was no reason why we +should not be friends still. He's a jolly, good, all-round sort of +fellow, and a very different stamp from that inflated fool of a +Perkupp." + +I said: "Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult to injury." + +Lupin said: "What do you mean by injury? I repeat, I have done no +injury. Crowbillon is simply tired of a stagnant stick-in-the-mud +firm, and made the change on his own account. I simply recommended +the new firm as a matter of biz--good old biz!" + +I said quietly: "I don't understand your slang, and at my time of +life have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my boy, let us change +the subject. I will, if it please you, TRY and be interested in +your new hat adventure." + +Lupin said: "Oh! there's nothing much about it, except I have not +once seen him since his marriage, and he said he was very pleased +to see me, and hoped we should be friends. I stood a drink to +cement the friendship, and he stood me a new hat--one of his own." + +I said rather wearily: "But you have not told me your old friend's +name?" + +Lupin said, with affected carelessness: "Oh didn't I? Well, I +will. It was MURRAY POSH." + +May 14.--Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all the +morning, asked the reason of it. Carrie and I both agreed it was +better to say nothing to him about the letter I was writing, so I +evaded the question. + +Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh in +the City. I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with a berth. +Lupin went out laughing, saying: "I don't mind WEARING Posh's one- +priced hats, but I am not going to SELL them." Poor boy, I fear he +is perfectly hopeless. + +It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. Crowbillon. Once +or twice I asked Carrie for suggestions; and although it seems +ungrateful, her suggestions were none of them to the point, while +one or two were absolutely idiotic. Of course I did not tell her +so. I got the letter off, and took it down to the office for Mr. +Perkupp to see, but he again repeated that he could trust me. + +Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him about +Lupin and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined +to side with Lupin. Carrie joined in, and said she thought I was +taking much too melancholy a view of it. Gowing produced a pint +sample-bottle of Madeira, which had been given him, which he said +would get rid of the blues. I dare say it would have done so if +there had been more of it; but as Gowing helped himself to three +glasses, it did not leave much for Carrie and me to get rid of the +blues with. + +May 15.--A day of great anxiety, for I expected every moment a +letter from Mr. Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening--one +for me, with "Crowbillon Hall" printed in large gold-and-red +letters on the back of the envelope; the other for Lupin, which I +felt inclined to open and read, as it had "Gylterson, Sons, and Co. +Limited," which was the recommended firm. I trembled as I opened +Mr. Crowbillon's letter. I wrote him sixteen pages, closely +written; he wrote me less than sixteen lines. + +His letter was: "Sir,--I totally disagree with you. Your son, in +the course of five minutes' conversation, displayed more +intelligence than your firm has done during the last five years.-- +Yours faithfully, Gilbert E. Gillam O. Crowbillon." + +What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr. +Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin for anything. The crisis had +yet to come; for Lupin arrived, and, opening his letter, showed a +cheque for 25 pounds as a commission for the recommendation of Mr. +Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. Perkupp is evidently lost for ever. +Cummings and Gowing both called, and both took Lupin's part. +Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would make a name yet. I +suppose I was melancholy, for I could only ask: "Yes, but what +sort of a name?" + +May 16.--I told Mr. Perkupp the contents of the letter in a +modified form, but Mr. Perkupp said: "Pray don't discuss the +matter; it is at an end. Your son will bring his punishment upon +himself." I went home in the evening, thinking of the hopeless +future of Lupin. I found him in most extravagant spirits and in +evening dress. He threw a letter on the table for me to read. + +To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely +engaged Lupin at a salary of 200 pounds a year, with other +advantages. I read the letter through three times and thought it +must have been for me. But there it was--Lupin Pooter--plain +enough. I was silent. Lupin said: "What price Perkupp now? You +take my tip, Guv.--'off' with Perkupp and freeze on to Gylterson, +the firm of the future! Perkupp's firm? The stagnant dummies have +been standing still for years, and now are moving back. I want to +go on. In fact I must go OFF, as I am dining with the Murray Poshs +to-night." + +In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his stick, +gave a loud war "Whoo-oop," jumped over a chair, and took the +liberty of rumpling my hair all over my forehead, and bounced out +of the room, giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and +the respect which was due to his parent. Gowing and Cummings came +in the evening, and positively cheered me up with congratulations +respecting Lupin. + +Gowing said: "I always said he would get on, and, take my word, he +has more in his head than we three put together." + +Carrie said: "He is a second Hardfur Huttle." + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + + +Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs. James (of Sutton) visits us +again and introduces "Spiritual Seances." + + +May 26, Sunday.--We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea +with Mr. and Mrs. James. I had no appetite, having dined well at +two, and the entire evening was spoiled by little Percy--their only +son--who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child. + +Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my +shins. He hurt me once so much that the tears came into my eyes. +I gently remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said: "Please don't +scold him; I do not believe in being too severe with young +children. You spoil their character." + +Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried to +pacify him, he slapped her face. + +I was so annoyed, I said: "That is not my idea of bringing up +children, Mrs. James." + +Mrs. James said. "People have different ideas of bringing up +children--even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection." + +A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his lap. +The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. Mezzini, +saying: "I don't like you--you've got a dirty face." + +A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by the +wrist and said: "Come here, dear, and listen to this." + +He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch +strike six. + +To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it +down upon the ground like one would a ball. + +Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get a +new glass put in, and did not suppose the works were damaged. + +To show you how people's opinions differ, Carrie said the child was +bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it +was--in her mind--an unquestionably beautiful child. + +I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier child +myself. That is MY opinion. + +May 30.--I don't know why it is, but I never anticipate with any +pleasure the visits to our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton. She is +coming again to stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this +morning, as I was leaving: "I wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. +James better than I do." + +Carrie said: "So do I, dear; but as for years I have had to put up +with Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who is kind but +most uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won't mind the occasional +visits of Mrs. James, who has more intellect in her little finger +than both your friends have in their entire bodies." + +I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear old +friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the 'bus coming, I +left with a hurried kiss--a little too hurried, perhaps, for my +upper lip came in contact with Carrie's teeth and slightly cut it. +It was quite painful for an hour afterwards. When I came home in +the evening I found Carrie buried in a book on Spiritualism, called +THERE IS NO BIRTH, by Florence Singleyet. I need scarcely say the +book was sent her to read by Mrs. James, of Sutton. As she had not +a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of the evening +altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning to show signs of +wear at the edges. + +Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the entire +management of everything. Finding that she and Carrie were making +some preparations for table-turning, I thought it time really to +put my foot down. I have always had the greatest contempt for such +nonsense, and put an end to it years ago when Carrie, at our old +house, used to have seances every night with poor Mrs. Fussters +(who is now dead). If I could see any use in it, I would not care. +As I stopped it in the days gone by, I determined to do so now. + +I said: "I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally disapprove of +it, apart from the fact that I receive my old friends on this +evening." + +Mrs. James said: "Do you mean to say you haven't read THERE IS NO +BIRTH?" I said: "No, and I have no intention of doing so." Mrs. +James seemed surprised and said: "All the world is going mad over +the book." I responded rather cleverly: "Let it. There will be +one sane man in it, at all events." + +Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people were +all as prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the +electric telegraph or the telephone. + +I said that was quite a different thing. + +Mrs. James said sharply: "In what way, pray--in what way?" + +I said: "In many ways." + +Mrs. James said: "Well, mention ONE way." + +I replied quietly: "Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to discuss +the matter. I am not interested in it." + +Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, for +which I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this +foolish table-turning. But I was entirely mistaken; for, on the +subject being opened again, Cummings said he was most interested in +Spiritualism, although he was bound to confess he did not believe +much in it; still, he was willing to be convinced. + +I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my +presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in the parlour at a +small round table which they had taken out of the drawing-room. I +walked into the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little +stroll. As I opened the door, who should come in but Gowing! + +On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join the +circle and he would go into a trance. He added that he KNEW a few +things about old Cummings, and would INVENT a few about Mrs. James. +Knowing how dangerous Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in +any such foolish performance. Sarah asked me if she could go out +for half an hour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be +more comfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the cold +drawing-room. We talked a good deal about Lupin and Mr. and Mrs. +Murray Posh, with whom he is as usual spending the evening. Gowing +said: "I say, it wouldn't be a bad thing for Lupin if old Posh +kicked the bucket." + +My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very sternly +for joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the night thinking +of it--the other hall was spent in nightmares on the same subject. + +May 31.--I wrote a stern letter to the laundress. I was rather +pleased with the letter, for I thought it very satirical. I said: +"You have returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps +you will return either the colour or the value of the +handkerchiefs." I shall be rather curious to know what she will +have to say. + +More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said last night was in a +measure successful, and they ought to sit again. Cummings came in, +and seemed interested. I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room, +got the steps, and repaired the cornice, which has been a bit of an +eyesore to me. In a fit of unthinkingness--if I may use such an +expression,--I gave the floor over the parlour, where the seance +was taking place, two loud raps with the hammer. I felt sorry +afterwards, for it was the sort of ridiculous, foolhardy thing that +Gowing or Lupin would have done. + +However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that a +message came through the table to her of a wonderful description, +concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quite +unknown to the others. + +When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit to-morrow +night, to oblige her. She said it seemed rather unkind and +unsociable on my part. I promised I would sit once. + +June 1.--I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and I am +bound to admit some curious things happened. I contend they were +coincidences, but they were curious. For instance, the table kept +tilting towards me, which Carrie construed as a desire that I +should ask the spirit a question. I obeyed the rules, and I asked +the spirit (who said her name was Lina) if she could tell me the +name of an old aunt of whom I was thinking, and whom we used to +call Aunt Maggie. The table spelled out C A T. We could make +nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that her second name +was Catherine, which it was evidently trying to spell. I don't +think even Carrie knew this. But if she did, she would never +cheat. I must admit it was curious. Several other things +happened, and I consented to sit at another seance on Monday. + +June 3.--The laundress called, and said she was very sorry about +the handkerchiefs, and returned ninepence. I said, as the colour +was completely washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, +ninepence was not enough. Carrie replied that the two +handkerchiefs originally only cost sixpence, for she remembered +bring them at a sale at the Holloway Bon Marche. In that case, I +insisted that threepence buying should be returned to the +laundress. Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for a few days. +I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it. Carrie said I was +ridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Posh was very fond of Lupin, +who, after all, was only a mere boy. + +In the evening we had another seance, which, in some respects, was +very remarkable, although the first part of it was a little +doubtful. Gowing called, as well as Cummings, and begged to be +allowed to join the circle. I wanted to object, but Mrs. James, +who appears a good Medium (that is, if there is anything in it at +all), thought there might be a little more spirit power if Gowing +joined; so the five of us sat down. + +The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get my +hands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began +moving quickly across the room. Gowing shouted out: "Way oh! +steady, lad, steady!" I told Gowing if he could not behave himself +I should light the gas, and put an end to the seance. + +To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I +hinted as much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table go +right off the ground. The spirit Lina came again, and said, "WARN" +three or four times, and declined to explain. Mrs. James said +"Lina" was stubborn sometimes. She often behaved like that, and +the best thing to do was to send her away. + +She then hit the table sharply, and said: "Go away, Lina; you are +disagreeable. Go away!" I should think we sat nearly three- +quarters of an hour with nothing happening. My hands felt quite +cold, and I suggested we should stop the seance. Carrie and Mrs. +James, as well as Cummings, would not agree to it. In about ten +minutes' time there was some tilting towards me. I gave the +alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O F. As I have heard both +Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could hear Gowing silently +laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the table. He denied +it; but, I regret to say, I did not believe him. + +Gowing said: "Perhaps it means 'Spook,' a ghost." + +I said: "YOU know it doesn't mean anything of the sort." + +Gowing said: "Oh! very well--I'm sorry I 'spook,'" and he rose +from the table. + +No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James suggested +he should sit out for a while. Gowing consented and sat in the +arm-chair. + +The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderful +seance but for Gowing's stupid interruptions. In answer to the +alphabet from Carrie the table spelt "NIPUL," then the "WARN" three +times. We could not think what it meant till Cummings pointed out +that "NIPUL" was Lupin spelled backwards. This was quite exciting. +Carrie was particularly excited, and said she hoped nothing +horrible was going to happen. + +Mrs. James asked if "Lina" was the spirit. The table replied +firmly, "No," and the spirit would not give his or her name. We +then had the message, "NIPUL will be very rich." + +Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word "WARN" was again +spelt out. The table then began to oscillate violently, and in +reply to Mrs. James, who spoke very softly to the table, the spirit +began to spell its name. It first spelled "DRINK." + +Gowing here said: "Ah! that's more in my line." + +I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed. + +The table then spelt "WATER." + +Gowing here interrupted again, and said: "Ah! that's NOT in my +line. OUTSIDE if you like, but not inside." + +Carrie appealed to him to be quiet. + +The table then spelt "CAPTAIN," and Mrs. James startled us by +crying out, "Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my father's, +who has been dead some years." + +This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that after +all there must be something in Spiritualism. + +Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word +"Warn" as applied to "NIPUL." The alphabet was given again, and we +got the word "BOSH." + +Gowing here muttered: "So it is." + +Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as Captain +Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the +word in answer to a lady's question. Accordingly the alphabet was +given again. + +This time the table spelled distinctly "POSH." We all thought of +Mrs. Murray Posh and Lupin. Carrie was getting a little +distressed, and as it was getting late we broke up the circle. + +We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. James' +last night in town. We also determined NOT to have Gowing present. + +Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but he +wished the spirits would say something about him. + +June 4.--Quite looking forward to the seance this evening. Was +thinking of it all the day at the office. + +Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing entering +without knocking. + +He said: "I am not going to stop, but I have brought with me a +sealed envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. Pooter. In +that sealed envelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a +simple question. If the spirits can answer that question, I will +believe in Spiritualism." + +I ventured the expression that it might be impossible. + +Mrs. James said: "Oh no! it is of common occurrence for the +spirits to answer questions under such conditions--and even for +them to write on locked slates. It is quite worth trying. If +'Lina' is in a good temper, she is certain to do it." + +Gowing said: "All right; then I shall be a firm believer. I shall +perhaps drop in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result." + +He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to know +something about some undertaking in which he was concerned, but he +could get no answer of any description whatever--at which he said +he was very disappointed and was afraid there was not much in +table-turning after all. I thought this rather selfish of him. +The seance was very similar to the one last night, almost the same +in fact. So we turned to the letter. "Lina" took a long time +answering the question, but eventually spelt out "ROSES, LILIES, +AND COWS." There was great rocking of the table at this time, and +Mrs. James said: "If that is Captain Drinkwater, let us ask him +the answer as well?" + +It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave the +same identical answer: "ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS." + +I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal, +or the disappointment we felt on reading the question, to which the +answer was so inappropriate. The question was, "WHAT'S OLD +POOTER'S AGE?" + +This quite decided me. + +As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I would +again. + +I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm when +driven to it. + +I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: "This is the last of this +nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof. I regret I +permitted myself to be a party to such tomfoolery. If there is +anything in it--which I doubt--it is nothing of any good, and I +WON'T HAVE IT AGAIN. That is enough." + +Mrs. James said: "I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather over- +stepping--" + +I said: "Hush, madam. I am master of this house--please +understand that." + +Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was +mistaken in. I was in such a rage I could not quite catch what she +said. But if I thought she said what it sounded like, she should +never enter the house again. + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + + +Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new apartments, and hear some +extraordinary information respecting the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. +Meet Miss Lilian Posh. Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. +Important. + + +July 1.--I find, on looking over my diary, nothing of any +consequence has taken place during the last month. To-day we lose +Lupin, who has taken furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his +friends, Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, at two guineas a week. I think +this is most extravagant of him, as it is half his salary. Lupin +says one never loses by a good address, and, to use his own +expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit "off." Whether he means it +is "far off" I do not know. I have long since given up trying to +understand his curious expressions. I said the neighbourhood had +always been good enough for his parents. His reply was: "It is no +question of being good or bad. There is no money in it, and I am +not going to rot away my life in the suburbs." + +We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by +himself, and there may be some truth in his remark that an old and +a young horse can't pull together in the same cart. + +Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, and +like old times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he +occasionally suffered from what he could not help--youth. + +July 2.--Cummings called, looked very pale, and said he had been +very ill again, and of course not a single friend had been near +him. Carrie said she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw +down a copy of the Bicycle News on the table, with the following +paragraph: "We regret to hear that that favourite old roadster, +Mr. Cummings ('Long' Cummings), has met with what might have been a +serious accident in Rye Lane. A mischievous boy threw a stick +between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and the machine +overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily to the ground. +Fortunately he was more frightened than hurt, but we missed his +merry face at the dinner at Chingford, where they turned up in good +numbers. 'Long' Cummings' health was proposed by our popular Vice, +Mr. Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein +said it was a case of 'CUMMING(s) thro' the RYE, but fortunately +there was more WHEEL than WOE,' a joke which created roars of +laughter." + +We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay to +supper. Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin, +and he was much better away. + +July 3, Sunday.--In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the +parlour window, which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, +with a gentleman seated by the side of her, stopped at our door. +Not wishing to be seen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking +the back of it violently against the sharp edge of the window-sash. +I was nearly stunned. There was a loud double-knock at the front +door; Carrie rushed out of the parlour, upstairs to her room, and I +followed, as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp. I thought it was +Mr. Franching.--I whispered to Sarah over the banisters: "Show +them into the drawing-room." Sarah said, as the shutters were not +opened, the room would smell musty. There was another loud rat- +tat. I whispered: "Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr. +Pooter will be down directly." I changed my coat, but could not +see to do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass. + +Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. Lupin. + +This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and Lupin met me +with the remark: "I say, what did you run away from the window +for? Did we frighten you?" + +I foolishly said: "What window?" + +Lupin said: "Oh, you know. Shut it. You looked as if you were +playing at Punch and Judy." + +On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: +"Oh, I think Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can do with a B. +and S." + +I said: "I am afraid we have no soda." + +Lupin said: "Don't bother about that. You just trip out and hold +the horse; I don't think Sarah understands it." + +They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin +said: "I want you both to come and dine with me next Wednesday, +and see my new place. Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, Miss Posh +(Murray's sister) are coming. Eight o'clock sharp. No one else." + +I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would like +the dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got home. + +Lupin said: "Rats! You must get used to it. If it comes to that, +Daisy and I can drive you home." + +We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the familiar +way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is +reprehensible. Anybody would think they had been children +together. I certainly should object to a six months' acquaintance +calling MY wife "Carrie," and driving out with her. + +July 4.--Lupin's rooms looked very nice; but the dinner was, I +thought, a little too grand, especially as he commenced with +champagne straight off. I also think Lupin might have told us that +he and Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on +full evening dress. Knowing that the dinner was only for us six, +we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair. I had no +appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight before we sat +down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a hearty meal. I had a +bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling famished, and I +expect that partly spoiled my appetite. + +We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called "Little Girl," +as if he had known her all his life. She was very tall, rather +plain, and I thought she was a little painted round the eyes. I +hope I am wrong; but she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows +were black. She looked about thirty. I did not like the way she +kept giggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching him. Then her +laugh was a sort of a scream that went right through my ears, all +the more irritating because there was nothing to laugh at. In +fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with her. They all +smoked cigarettes after dinner, including Miss Posh, who startled +Carrie by saying: "Don't you smoke, dear?" I answered for Carrie, +and said: "Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet," +whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again. + +Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what I +have said before--she does NOT sing in tune; but Lupin sat by the +side of the piano, gazing into her eyes the whole time. If I had +been Mr. Posh, I think I should have had something to say about it. +Mr. Posh made himself very agreeable to us, and eventually sent us +home in his carriage, which I thought most kind. He is evidently +very rich, for Mrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery. She told +Carrie her necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday +present, alone cost 300 pounds. + +Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he would +make rapid way in the world. + +I could not help thinking of the 600 pounds Mr. Posh lost over the +Parachikka Chlorates through Lupin's advice. + +During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and +expressed a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his means. + +Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands. "Posh's one- +price hat" was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester, +Liverpool, and all the big towns throughout England. Lupin further +informed me that Mr. Posh was opening branch establishments at New +York, Sydney, and Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and +Johannesburg. + +I said I was pleased to hear it. + +Lupin said: "Why, he has settled over 10,000 pounds on Daisy, and +the same amount on 'Lillie Girl.' If at any time I wanted a little +capital, he would put up a couple of 'thou' at a day's notice, and +could buy up Perkupp's firm over his head at any moment with ready +cash." + +On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I +was inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money was NOT +properly divided. + +On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom cab, +which had been waiting for me for two hours with a letter. Sarah +said she did not know what to do, as we had not left the address +where we had gone. I trembled as I opened the letter, fearing it +was some bad news about Mr. Perkupp. The note was: "Dear Mr. +Pooter,--Come down to the Victoria Hotel without delay. Important. +Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle." + +I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman replied that it +was NOT; for his instructions were, if I happened to be out, he was +to wait till I came home. I felt very tired, and really wanted to +go to bed. I reached the hotel at a quarter before midnight. I +apologised for being so late, but Mr. Huttle said: "Not at all; +come and have a few oysters." I feel my heart beating as I write +these words. To be brief, Mr. Huttle said he had a rich American +friend who wanted to do something large in our line of business, +and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to him. We talked +over the matter. If, by any happy chance, the result be +successful, I can more than compensate my dear master for the loss +of Mr. Crowbillon's custom. Mr. Huttle had previously said: "The +glorious 'Fourth' is a lucky day for America, and, as it has not +yet struck twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of the best +wine to be had in the place, and drink good luck to our bit of +business." + +I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all. + +It was two o'clock when I got home. Although I was so tired, I +could not sleep except for short intervals--then only to dream. + +I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. The latter was in a +lovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkupp was waiting in the +room. Mr. Huttle kept taking off this crown and handing it to me, +and calling me "President." + +He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept asking Mr. +Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master. Mr. Huttle kept +saying: "No, this is the White House of Washington, and you must +keep your crown, Mr. President." + +We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and then I +woke up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over and over +again. + + + +CHAPTER THE LAST + + + +One of the happiest days of my life. + + +July 10.--The excitement and anxiety through which I have gone the +last few days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey. It is +all but settled. To-morrow the die will be cast. I have written a +long letter to Lupin--feeling it my duty to do so,--regarding his +attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove up to our house again last +night. + +July 11.--I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note of my +interview this morning with Mr. Perkupp. Addressing me, he said: +"My faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you +have done our firm. You can never be sufficiently thanked. Let us +change the subject. Do you like your house, and are you happy +where you are?" + +I replied: "Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the +neighbourhood, and could not bear to leave it." + +Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: "Mr. Pooter, I will purchase +the freehold of that house, and present it to the most honest and +most worthy man it has ever been my lot to meet." + +He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be spared +many years to enjoy it. My heart was too full to thank him; and, +seeing my embarrassment, the good fellow said: "You need say +nothing, Mr. Pooter," and left the office. + +I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I have +never done before), and asked the two latter to come round to +supper. + +On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent Sarah +round to the grocer's to get two bottles of "Jackson Freres." + +My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post brought +a letter from Lupin in reply to mine. I read it aloud to them all. +It ran: "My dear old Guv.,--Keep your hair on. You are on the +wrong tack again. I am engaged to be married to 'Lillie Girl.' I +did not mention it last Thursday, as it was not definitely settled. +We shall be married in August, and amongst our guests we hope to +see your old friends Gowing and Cummings. With much love to all, +from THE SAME OLD LUPIN." + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE DIARY OF A NOBODY *** + +This file should be named dnbdy10.txt or dnbdy10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, dnbdy11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, dnbdy10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/old/dnbdy10.zip b/old/old/dnbdy10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbe0a04 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old/dnbdy10.zip diff --git a/old/old/dnbdy10h.htm b/old/old/dnbdy10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..578a8f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old/dnbdy10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4278 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>The Diary of a Nobody</title> +</head> +<body> +<h2> +<a href="#startoftext">The Diary of a Nobody, by George Grossmith and Weedon Grossmith</a> +</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Diary of a Nobody, by George Grossmith + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Diary of a Nobody + +Author: George Grossmith and Weedon Grossmith + +Release Date: August, 1997 [EBook #1026] +[This file was first posted on June 27, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 23, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII +</pre> +<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p> +<h1>The Diary of a Nobody</h1> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<h2>INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences +of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see—because +I do not happen to be a ‘Somebody’—why my diary should +not be interesting. My only regret is that I did not commence +it when I was a youth.</p> +<p>Charles Pooter<br />The Laurels,<br />Brickfield Terrace<br />Holloway.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER I</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary. +Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The Curate calls +and pays me a great compliment.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>My clear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house, +“The Laurels,” Brickfield Terrace, Holloway—a nice +six-roomed residence, not counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. +We have a little front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up +to the front door, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up. +Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always come to the +little side entrance, which saves the servant the trouble of going up +to the front door, thereby taking her from her work. We have a +nice little back garden which runs down to the railway. We were +rather afraid of the noise of the trains at first, but the landlord +said we should not notice them after a bit, and took £2 off the +rent. He was certainly right; and beyond the cracking of the garden +wall at the bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience.</p> +<p>After my work in the City, I like to be at home. What’s +the good of a home, if you are never in it? “Home, Sweet +Home,” that’s my motto. I am always in of an evening. +Our old friend Gowing may drop in without ceremony; so may Cummings, +who lives opposite. My dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to +see them, if they like to drop in on us. But Carrie and I can +manage to pass our evenings together without friends. There is +always something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put +straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail down—all +of which I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not above +putting a button on a shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the +“Sylvia Gavotte” on our new cottage piano (on the three +years’ system), manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), +from Collard and Collard (in very large letters). It is also a +great comfort to us to know that our boy Willie is getting on so well +in the Bank at Oldham. We should like to see more of him. +Now for my diary:-</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>April 3.—Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson, +the ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools. +By-the-by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and +the bells must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the +front door rings up in the servant’s bedroom, which is ridiculous. +Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but wouldn’t stay, saying there +was an infernal smell of paint.</p> +<p>April 4. Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged +to deal with Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. +Ordered a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial. +Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh +butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for kitchen, and a shilling’s +worth of eggs. In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in +to show me a meerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and +told me to handle it carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the +hand was moist. He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t +care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he +went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into +a <i>scrape</i>. I don’t often make jokes.</p> +<p>April 5.—Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged +with another butcher without consulting me. Gowing called, and +fell over scraper coming in. <i>Must</i> get that scraper removed.</p> +<p>April 6.—Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back +to Borset with my compliments, and he needn’t call any more for +orders. Couldn’t find umbrella, and though it was pouring +with rain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have +took it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the ‘all +that didn’t belong to nobody. In the evening, hearing someone +talking in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs hall, I went +out to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was Borset, the +butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. Borset, on seeing +me, said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any more—the +game wasn’t worth the candle. I restrained my feelings, +and quietly remarked that I thought it was <i>possible</i> for a city +clerk to be a <i>gentleman</i>. He replied he was very glad to +hear it, and wanted to know whether I had ever come across one, for +<i>he</i> hadn’t. He left the house, slamming the door after +him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and I heard him fall over the +scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn’t removed it. When +he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to have given him. +However, I will keep it for another occasion.</p> +<p>April 7.—Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, +and putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the +office were absent through illness, and I did not get home till seven. +Found Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to +apologise for his conduct last night. He said he was unable to +take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last night instead. +He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of fresh butter. +He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow; so I gave him an order +for some fresh eggs, with a request that on this occasion they <i>should</i> +be fresh. I am afraid we shall have to get some new stair-carpets +after all; our old ones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint +on either side. Carrie suggests that we might ourselves broaden +the paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark chocolate) +on Monday.</p> +<p>April 8, Sunday.—After Church, the Curate came back with us. +I sent Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on special +occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my display, +I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch,) round +the side entrance. He caught his foot in the scraper, and tore +the bottom of his trousers. Most annoying, as Carrie could not +well offer to repair them on a Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. +Took a walk round the garden, and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing +mustard-and-cress and radishes. Went to Church again in the evening: +walked back with the Curate. Carrie noticed he had got on the +same pair of trousers, only repaired. He wants me to take round +the plate, which I think a great compliment.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER II</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather +tiresome with his complaints of the paint. I make one of the best +jokes of my life. Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, +Gowing, Cummings, and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah +makes me look a fool before Cummings</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>April 9.—Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom +we decided <i>not</i> to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in +the most uncalled-for manner. He began by abusing me, and saying +he did not want my custom. I simply said: “Then what are +you making all this fuss about it for?” And he shouted out +at the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could hear: “Pah! +go along. Ugh! I could buy up ‘things’ like +you by the dozen!”</p> +<p>I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this disgraceful +scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent kicking at the +door, enough to break the panels. It was the blackguard butcher +again, who said he had cut his foot over the scraper, and would immediately +bring an action against me. Called at Farmerson’s, the ironmonger, +on my way to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper and repairing +the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the landlord +with such a trifling matter.</p> +<p>Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter and decorator, +who had sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs, +as it contained Indian carmine. He said he spent half-a-day calling +at warehouses to see if he could get it. He suggested he should +entirely repaint the stairs. It would cost very little more; if +he tried to match it, he could only make a bad job of it. It would +be more satisfactory to him and to us to have the work done properly. +I consented, but felt I had been talked over. Planted some mustard-and-cress +and radishes, and went to bed at nine.</p> +<p>April 10.—Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself. +He seems a very civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct +such small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked +him, and went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of the +young clerks are at arriving. I told three of them that if Mr. +Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be discharged.</p> +<p>Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, +told me “to keep my hair on!” I informed him I had +had the honour of being in the firm twenty years, to which he insolently +replied that I “looked it.” I gave him an indignant +look, and said: “I demand from you some respect, sir.” +He replied: “All right, go on demanding.” I would +not argue with him any further. You cannot argue with people like +that. In the evening Gowing called, and repeated his complaint +about the smell of paint. Gowing is sometimes very tedious with +his remarks, and not always cautious; and Carrie once very properly +reminded him that she was present.</p> +<p>April 11.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. +To-day was a day of annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine ’bus +to the City, through having words with the grocer’s boy, who for +the second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall-door, +and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the fresh-cleaned door-steps. +He said he had knocked at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter +of an hour. I knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as +she was upstairs doing the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not +ring the bell? He replied that he did pull the bell, but the handle +came off in his hand.</p> +<p>I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened +to me before. There has recently been much irregularity in the +attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately +choose this very morning to pounce down upon us early. Someone +had given the tip to the others. The result was that I was the +only one late of the lot. Buckling, one of the senior clerks, +was a brick, and I was saved by his intervention. As I passed +by Pitt’s desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour: “How +disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!” This +was, of course, meant for me. I treated the observation with silence, +simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of making +both of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been +more dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. +Cummings called in the evening, and we played dominoes.</p> +<p>April 12.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. +Left Farmerson repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three +men working. I asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that +in making a fresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said +it was a most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who +did it evidently knew nothing about his business. I felt his excuse +was no consolation for the expense I shall be put to.</p> +<p>In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke +together in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us later, but +did not stay long, saying the smoke was too much for her. It was +also rather too much for me, for Gowing had given me what he called +a green cigar, one that his friend Shoemach had just brought over from +America. The cigar didn’t look green, but I fancy I must +have done so; for when I had smoked a little more than half I was obliged +to retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.</p> +<p>I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need +of fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered +me another cigar, which I politely declined. Gowing began his +usual sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: “You’re not +going to complain of the smell of paint again?” He said: +“No, not this time; but I’ll tell you what, I distinctly +smell dry rot.” I don’t often make jokes, but I replied: +“You’re talking a lot of <i>dry rot</i> yourself.” +I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie said her sides quite ached +with laughter. I never was so immensely tickled by anything I +have ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, +and laughed till the bed shook.</p> +<p>April 13.—An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in +a woman to make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa +to prevent the sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw +the woman, and recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago +for my old aunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world +is.</p> +<p>April 14.—Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having +this morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little +book, in good condition, on <i>Gardening</i>. I procured and sowed +some half-hardy annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. +I thought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out rather +testy, I thought. I said: “I have just discovered we have +got a lodging-house.” She replied: “How do you mean?” +I said: “Look at the <i>boarders</i>.” Carrie said: +“Is that all you wanted me for?” I said: “Any +other time you would have laughed at my little pleasantry.” +Carrie said: “Certainly—<i>at any other time</i>, but not +when I am busy in the house.” The stairs looked very nice. +Gowing called, and said the stairs looked <i>all right</i>, but it made +the banisters look <i>all wrong</i>, and suggested a coat of paint on +them also, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to Putley, +and fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banisters +slide. By-the-by, that is rather funny.</p> +<p>April 15, Sunday.—At three o’clock Cummings and Gowing +called for a good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought +with them a friend named Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, +except Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the +ground and cutting at the grass with his stick.</p> +<p>As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowing +suggested that we should make for “The Cow and Hedge” and +get some tea. Stillbrook said: “A brandy-and-soda was good +enough for him.” I reminded them that all public-houses +were closed till six o’clock. Stillbrook said, “That’s +all right—<i>bona-fide</i> travellers.”</p> +<p>We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the +gate said: “Where from?” I replied: “Holloway.” +He immediately put up his arm, and declined to let me pass. I +turned back for a moment, when I saw Stillbrook, closely followed by +Cummings and Gowing, make for the entrance. I watched them, and +thought I would have a good laugh at their expense, I heard the porter +say: “Where from?” When, to my surprise, in fact disgust, +Stillbrook replied: “Blackheath,” and the three were immediately +admitted.</p> +<p>Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: “We shan’t +be a minute.” I waited for them the best part of an hour. +When they appeared they were all in most excellent spirits, and the +only one who made an effort to apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said +to me: “It was very rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had +another spin for S. and B.’s.” I walked home in silence; +I couldn’t speak to them. I felt very dull all the evening, +but deemed it advisable <i>not</i> to say anything to Carrie about the +matter.</p> +<p>April 16.—After business, set to work in the garden. +When it got dark I wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, +for a wonder; perhaps they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday’s +adventure at “The Cow and Hedge.” Afterwards made +up my mind not to write <i>yet</i>.</p> +<p>April 17.—Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing +and Cummings about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook. +Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and determined +not to <i>write</i> at all, but to <i>speak</i> quietly to them. +Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter from Cummings, saying that both +he and Gowing had been waiting for an explanation of <i>my</i> (mind +you, MY) extraordinary conduct coming home on Sunday. At last +I wrote: “I thought I was the aggrieved party; but as I freely +forgive you, you—feeling yourself aggrieved—should bestow +forgiveness on me.” I have copied this <i>verbatim</i> in +the diary, because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful +sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but in my +own heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted.</p> +<p>April 18.—Am in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the +office sneezing. In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent +Sarah out for a bottle of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, +and woke with the shivers. Was startled by a loud knock at the +front door. Carrie awfully flurried. Sarah still out, so +went up, opened the door, and found it was only Cummings. Remembered +the grocer’s boy had again broken the side-bell. Cummings +squeezed my hand, and said: “I’ve just seen Gowing. +All right. Say no more about it.” There is no doubt +they are both under the impression I have apologised.</p> +<p>While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: “By-the-by, +do you want any wine or spirits? My cousin Merton has just set +up in the trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, at +thirty-eight shillings. It is worth your while laying down a few +dozen of it.” I told him my cellars, which were very small, +were full up. To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah entered +the room, and putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of +newspaper, on the table in front of us, said: “Please, sir, the +grocer says he ain’t got no more Kinahan, but you’ll find +this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned on the bottle; +and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has some at one-and-three, +as dry as a nut!”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER III</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, +of Sutton, come up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. +Experiments with enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing +and Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red, +with unexpected result.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>April 19.—Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton, +who is in the wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton +made himself at home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with +him immediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.</p> +<p>He leaned back in his chair and said: “You must take me as +I am;” and I replied: “Yes—and you must take us as +we are. We’re homely people, we are not swells.”</p> +<p>He answered: “No, I can see that,” and Gowing roared +with laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing: +“I don’t think you quite understand me. I intended +to convey that our charming host and hostess were superior to the follies +of fashion, and preferred leading a simple and wholesome life to gadding +about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drinking afternoons, and living above +their incomes.”</p> +<p>I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton’s, +and concluded that subject by saying: “No, candidly, Mr. Merton, +we don’t go into Society, because we do not care for it; and what +with the expense of cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and white +ties, etc., it doesn’t seem worth the money.”</p> +<p>Merton said in reference to <i>friends</i>: “My motto is ‘Few +and True;’ and, by the way, I also apply that to wine, ‘Little +and Good.’” Gowing said: “Yes, and sometimes +‘cheap and tasty,’ eh, old man?” Merton, still +continuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and put me down for +a dozen of his “Lockanbar” whisky, and as I was an old friend +of Gowing, I should have it for 36s., which was considerably under what +he paid for it.</p> +<p>He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted +any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood +good for any theatre in London.</p> +<p>April 20.—Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, +Annie Fullers (now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton +for a few days, it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and +would I drop a line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either +for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton +to that effect.</p> +<p>April 21.—Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, +and just at present couldn’t manage passes for the Italian Opera, +Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was +the <i>Brown Bushes</i>, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed +seats for four; also bill for whisky.</p> +<p>April 23.—Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to +meat tea, and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We +got a ’bus that took us to King’s Cross, and then changed +into one that took us to the “Angel.” Mr. James each +time insisted on paying for all, saying that I had paid for the tickets +and that was quite enough.</p> +<p>We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our ’bus-load +except an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in. I walked +ahead and presented the tickets. The man looked at them, and called +out: “Mr. Willowly! do you know anything about these?” holding +up my tickets. The gentleman called to, came up and examined my +tickets, and said: “Who gave you these?” I said, rather +indignantly: “Mr. Merton, of course.” He said: “Merton? +Who’s he?” I answered, rather sharply: “You +ought to know, his name’s good at any theatre in London.” +He replied: “Oh! is it? Well, it ain’t no good here. +These tickets, which are not dated, were issued under Mr. Swinstead’s +management, which has since changed hands.” While I was +having some very unpleasant words with the man, James, who had gone +upstairs with the ladies, called out: “Come on!” I +went up after them, and a very civil attendant said: “This way, +please, box H.” I said to James: “Why, how on earth +did you manage it?” and to my horror he replied: “Why, paid +for it of course.”</p> +<p>This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play, +but I was doomed to still further humiliation. I was leaning out +of the box, when my tie—a little black bow which fastened on to +the stud by means of a new patent—fell into the pit below. +A clumsy man not noticing it, had his foot on it for ever so long before +he discovered it. He then picked it up and eventually flung it +under the next seat in disgust. What with the box incident and +the tie, I felt quite miserable. Mr. James, of Sutton, was very +good. He said: “Don’t worry—no one will notice +it with your beard. That is the only advantage of growing one +that I can see.” There was no occasion for that remark, +for Carrie is very proud of my beard.</p> +<p>To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest +of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck.</p> +<p>April 24.—Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having +brought up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre +last night, and his having paid for a private box because our order +was not honoured, and such a poor play too. I wrote a very satirical +letter to Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said, +“Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did our best to appreciate +the performance.” I thought this line rather cutting, and +I asked Carrie how many p’s there were in appreciate, and she +said, “One.” After I sent off the letter I looked +at the dictionary and found there were two. Awfully vexed at this.</p> +<p>Decided not to worry myself any more about the James’s; for, +as Carrie wisely said, “We’ll make it all right with them +by asking them up from Sutton one evening next week to play at Bézique.”</p> +<p>April 25.—In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was +working wonders with the new Pinkford’s enamel paint, I determined +to try it. I bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened +through tea, went into the garden and painted some flower-pots. +I called out Carrie, who said: “You’ve always got some newfangled +craze;” but she was obliged to admit that the flower-pots looked +remarkably well. Went upstairs into the servant’s bedroom +and painted her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of drawers. +To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement, but as an example of +the ignorance of the lower classes in the matter of taste, our servant, +Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said +“she thought they looked very well as they was before.”</p> +<p>April 26.—Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind, +being the best colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs +of our <i>Shakspeare</i>, the binding of which had almost worn out.</p> +<p>April 27.—Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the +result. Sorry to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words +about it. She said I ought to have consulted her, and she had +never heard of such a thing as a bath being painted red. I replied: +“It’s merely a matter of taste.”</p> +<p>Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice +saying, “May I come in?” It was only Cummings, who +said, “Your maid opened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing +me in, as she was wringing out some socks.” I was delighted +to see him, and suggested we should have a game of whist with a dummy, +and by way of merriment said: “You can be the dummy.” +Cummings (I thought rather ill-naturedly) replied: “Funny as usual.” +He said he couldn’t stop, he only called to leave me the <i>Bicycle +News</i>, as he had done with it.</p> +<p>Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he “must +apologise for coming so often, and that one of these days we must come +round to <i>him</i>.” I said: “A very extraordinary +thing has struck me.” “Something funny, as usual,” +said Cummings. “Yes,” I replied; “I think even +you will say so this time. It’s concerning you both; for +doesn’t it seem odd that Gowing’s always coming and Cummings’ +always going?” Carrie, who had evidently quite forgotten +about the bath, went into fits of laughter, and as for myself, I fairly +doubled up in my chair, till it cracked beneath me. I think this +was one of the best jokes I have ever made.</p> +<p>Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing +perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces. After rather +an unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed it +up again and said: “Yes—I think, after that, I <i>shall</i> +be going, and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes.” +Gowing said he didn’t mind a joke when it wasn’t rude, but +a pun on a name, to his thinking, was certainly a little wanting in +good taste. Cummings followed it up by saying, if it had been +said by anyone else but myself, he shouldn’t have entered the +house again. This rather unpleasantly terminated what might have +been a cheerful evening. However, it was as well they went, for +the charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.</p> +<p>April 28.—At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, +who was very impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again. +I told him it would be my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. +To my surprise, Pitt apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly +fashion. I was unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement +in his manner towards me, and told him I would look over his unpunctuality. +Passing down the room an hour later. I received a smart smack +in the face from a rolled-up ball of hard foolscap. I turned round +sharply, but all the clerks were apparently riveted to their work. +I am not a rich man, but I would give half-a-sovereign to know whether +that was thrown by accident or design. Went home early and bought +some more enamel paint—black this time—and spent the evening +touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair of boots, making +them look as good as new. Also painted Gowing’s walking-stick, +which he left behind, and made it look like ebony.</p> +<p>April 29, Sunday.—Woke up with a fearful headache and strong +symptoms of a cold. Carrie, with a perversity which is just like +her, said it was “painter’s colic,” and was the result +of my having spent the last few days with my nose over a paint-pot. +I told her firmly that I knew a great deal better what was the matter +with me than she did. I had got a chill, and decided to have a +bath as hot as I could bear it. Bath ready—could scarcely +bear it so hot. I persevered, and got in; very hot, but very acceptable. +I lay still for some time.</p> +<p>On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced the +greatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for +imagine my horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of blood. +My first thought was that I had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding +to death, and should be discovered, later on, looking like a second +Marat, as I remember seeing him in Madame Tussaud’s. My +second thought was to ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell +to ring. My third was, that there was nothing but the enamel paint, +which had dissolved with boiling water. I stepped out of the bath, +perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I have seen depicted +at an East-End theatre. I determined not to say a word to Carrie, +but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and paint the bath white.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>The ball at the Mansion House.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>April 30.—Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for +Carrie and myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, +to “meet the Representatives of Trades and Commerce.” +My heart beat like that of a schoolboy’s. Carrie and I read +the invitation over two or three times. I could scarcely eat my +breakfast. I said—and I felt it from the bottom of my heart,—“Carrie +darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the aisle of the church +on our wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if not surpassed, when +I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady Mayoress at the +Mansion House.” I saw the tears in Carrie’s eyes, +and she said: “Charlie dear, it is <i>I</i> who have to be proud +of you. And I am very, very proud of you. You have called +me pretty; and as long as I am pretty in your eyes, I am happy. +You, dear old Charlie, are not handsome, but you are <i>good</i>, which +is far more noble.” I gave her a kiss, and she said: “I +wonder if there will be any dancing? I have not danced with you +for years.”</p> +<p>I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the +waist, and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka +when Sarah entered, grinning, and said: “There is a man, mum, +at the door who wants to know if you want any good coals.” +Most annoyed at this. Spent the evening in answering, and tearing +up again, the reply to the Mansion House, having left word with Sarah +if Gowing or Cummings called we were not at home. Must consult +Mr. Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor’s invitation.</p> +<p>May 1.—Carrie said: “I should like to send mother the +invitation to look at.” I consented, as soon as I had answered +it. I told Mr. Perkupp, at the office, with a feeling of pride, +that we had received an invitation to the Mansion House; and he said, +to my astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lord Mayor’s +secretary. I felt this rather discounted the value of the invitation, +but I thanked him; and in reply to me, he described how I was to answer +it. I felt the reply was too simple; but of course Mr. Perkupp +knows best.</p> +<p>May 2.—Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor’s +round the corner, to have the creases taken out. Told Gowing not +to call next Monday, as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent +similar note to Cummings.</p> +<p>May 3.—Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about +her dress for next Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, +one of our head clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: “Oh, +I’m asked, but don’t think I shall go.” When +a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel my invitation is considerably +discounted. In the evening, while I was out, the little tailor +brought round my coat and trousers, and because Sarah had not a shilling +to pay for the pressing, he took them away again.</p> +<p>May 4.—Carrie’s mother returned the Lord Mayor’s +invitation, which was sent to her to look at, with apologies for having +upset a glass of port over it. I was too angry to say anything.</p> +<p>May 5.—Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, +and two white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying.</p> +<p>May 6, Sunday.—A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to +say, I twice thought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow.</p> +<p>May 7.—A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor’s reception. +The whole house upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, +as Carrie wanted the room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from +Sutton to help Carrie; so I could not help thinking it unreasonable +that she should require the entire attention of Sarah, the servant, +as well. Sarah kept running out of the house to fetch “something +for missis,” and several times I had, in my full evening-dress, +to answer the back-door.</p> +<p>The last time it was the greengrocer’s boy, who, not seeing +it was me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two +cabbages and half-a-dozen coal-blocks. I indignantly threw them +on the ground, and felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to +box the boy’s ears. He went away crying, and said he should +summons me, a thing I would not have happen for the world. In +the dark, I stepped on a piece of the cabbage, which brought me down +on the flags all of a heap. For a moment I was stunned, but when +I recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking +into the chimney-glass discovered that my chin was bleeding, my shirt +smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at the knee.</p> +<p>However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed +in the drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin, +and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine o’clock +Carrie swept into the room, looking like a queen. Never have I +seen her look so lovely, or so distinguished. She was wearing +a satin dress of sky-blue—my favourite colour—and a piece +of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders, to give a finish. +I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long behind, and decidedly +too short in front, but Mrs. James said it was <i>à la mode</i>. +Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers, +the value of which, she said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged +to the Kachu eagle—a bird now extinct. I preferred the little +white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six at Shoolbred’s, +but both ladies sat on me at once.</p> +<p>We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather fortunate, +for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciously +condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I must say I was disappointed +to find he did not even know Mr. Perkupp, our principal.</p> +<p>I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who +did not know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall +never forget the grand sight. My humble pen can never describe +it. I was a little annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying: “Isn’t +it a pity we don’t know anybody?”</p> +<p>Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked like +Franching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized +me by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly: “Don’t leave +me,” which caused an elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a +chain round him, and two ladies, to burst out laughing. There +was an immense crowd in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid +supper—any amount of champagne.</p> +<p>Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I +sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she +did not taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving +a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, +our ironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way: “This +is better than Brickfield Terrace, eh?” I simply looked +at him, and said coolly: “I never expected to see you here.” +He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: “I like that—if <i>you</i>, +why not <i>me</i>?” I replied: “Certainly,” +I wish I could have thought of something better to say. He said: +“Can I get your good lady anything?” Carrie said: +“No, I thank you,” for which I was pleased. I said, +by way of reproof to him: “You never sent to-day to paint the +bath, as I requested.” Farmerson said: “Pardon me, +Mr. Pooter, no shop when we’re in company, please.”</p> +<p>Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court +costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old friend, +and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I was astonished. +For full five minutes they stood roaring with laughter, and stood digging +each other in the ribs. They kept telling each other they didn’t +look a day older. They began embracing each other and drinking +champagne.</p> +<p>To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member +of our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson +seized me rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff, +said: “Let me introduce my neighbour, Pooter.” He +did not even say “Mister.” The sheriff handed me a +glass of champagne. I felt, after all, it was a great honour to +drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so. We stood chatting +for some time, and at last I said: “You must excuse me now if +I join Mrs. Pooter.” When I approached her, she said: “Don’t +let me take you away from friends. I am quite happy standing here +alone in a crowd, knowing nobody!”</p> +<p>As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time +nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: “I hope +my darling little wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of saying +we had danced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord Mayor.” +Finding the dancing after supper was less formal, and knowing how much +Carrie used to admire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round +her waist and we commenced a waltz.</p> +<p>A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new pair +of boots. Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie’s advice; +namely, to scratch the soles of them with the points of the scissors +or to put a little wet on them. I had scarcely started when, like +lightning, my left foot slipped away and I came down, the side of my +head striking the floor with such violence that for a second or two +I did not know what had happened. I needly hardly say that Carrie +fell with me with equal violence, breaking the comb in her hair and +grazing her elbow.</p> +<p>There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when +people found that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman assisted +Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger +of having a plain polished floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent +people slipping. The gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, +insisted on escorting Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation +which I was pleased to allow Carrie to accept.</p> +<p>I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud +voice “Oh, are you the one who went down?”</p> +<p>I answered with an indignant look.</p> +<p>With execrable taste, he said: “Look here, old man, we are +too old for this game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. +Come and have another glass, that is more in our line.”</p> +<p>Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed +the others into the supper-room.</p> +<p>Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined +to stay longer. As we were departing, Farmerson said: “Are +you going? if so, you might give me a lift.”</p> +<p>I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted Carrie.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER V</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing +also offended. A pleasant party at the Cummings’. +Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits us.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>May 8.—I woke up with a most terrible head-ache. I could +scarcely see, and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick. +I thought first of sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary. +When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish’s, the chemist, who +gave me a draught. So bad at the office, had to get leave to come +home. Went to another chemist in the City, and I got a draught. +Brownish’s dose seems to have made me worse; have eaten nothing +all day. To make matters worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to +her, answered me sharply—that is, when she answered at all.</p> +<p>In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: “I +do believe I’ve been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the +Mansion House last night;” she simply replied, without taking +her eyes from her sewing: “Champagne never did agree with you.” +I felt irritated, and said: “What nonsense you talk; I only had +a glass and a half, and you know as well as I do—” +Before I could complete the sentence she bounced out of the room. +I sat over an hour waiting for her to return; but as she did not, I +determined I would go to bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to +bed without even saying “good-night”; leaving me to bar +the scullery door and feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to +her about this in the morning.</p> +<p>May 9.—Still a little shaky, with black specks. The <i>Blackfriars +Bi-weekly News</i> contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion +House Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though Farmerson’s +is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever that may mean. +More than vexed, because we had ordered a dozen copies to send to our +friends. Wrote to the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>, pointing +out their omission.</p> +<p>Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. +I helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly: +“Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night.”</p> +<p>She replied, “Indeed! and I desire something more than a little +explanation of your conduct the night before.”</p> +<p>I said, coolly: “Really, I don’t understand you.”</p> +<p>Carrie said sneeringly: “Probably not; you were scarcely in +a condition to understand anything.”</p> +<p>I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: “Caroline!”</p> +<p>She said: “Don’t be theatrical, it has no effect on me. +Reserve that tone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger.”</p> +<p>I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never +seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said: “Now +<i>I’m</i> going to say something! After professing to snub +Mr. Farmerson, you permit him to snub <i>you</i>, in my presence, and +then accept his invitation to take a glass of champagne with you, and +you don’t limit yourself to one glass. You then offer this +vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our +cab on the way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress +in getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James’s expensive +fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he never even apologised; +but you smoked all the way home without having the decency to ask my +permission. That is not all! At the end of the journey, +although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of the cab, +you asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, +from my manner, that his company was not desirable.”</p> +<p>Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make matters +worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two hats on his +head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie’s fur +tippet (which he had taken off the downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, +and announced himself in a loud, coarse voice: “His Royal Highness, +the Lord Mayor!” He marched twice round the room like a +buffoon, and finding we took no notice, said: “Hulloh! what’s +up? Lovers’ quarrel, eh?”</p> +<p>There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: “My dear +Gowing, I’m not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking; +especially when you enter the room without knocking, an act which I +fail to see the fun of.”</p> +<p>Gowing said: “I’m very sorry, but I called for my stick, +which I thought you would have sent round.” I handed him +his stick, which I remembered I had painted black with the enamel paint, +thinking to improve it. He looked at it for a minute with a dazed +expression and said: “Who did this?”</p> +<p>I said: “Eh, did what?”</p> +<p>He said: “Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It +belonged to my poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I have +in the world! I’ll know who did it.”</p> +<p>I said: “I’m very sorry. I dare say it will come +off. I did it for the best.”</p> +<p>Gowing said: “Then all I can say is, it’s a confounded +liberty; and I <i>would</i> add, you’re a bigger fool than you +look, only <i>that’s</i> absolutely impossible.”</p> +<p>May 12.—Got a single copy of the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>. +There was a short list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid +people had mentioned our names as “Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter.” +Most annoying! Wrote again and I took particular care to write +our name in capital letters, <i>POOTER</i>, so that there should be +no possible mistake this time.</p> +<p>May 16.—Absolutely disgusted on opening the <i>Blackfriars +Bi-weekly News</i> of to-day, to find the following paragraph: “We +have received two letters from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting +us to announce the important fact that they were at the Mansion House +Ball.” I tore up the paper and threw it in the waste-paper +basket. My time is far too valuable to bother about such trifles.</p> +<p>May 21.—The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being +away at Mrs. James’s, at Sutton. Cummings also away. +Gowing, I presume, is still offended with me for black enamelling his +stick without asking him.</p> +<p>May 22.—Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost +seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it round +with nice note to Gowing.</p> +<p>May 23.—Received strange note from Gowing; he said: “Offended? +not a bit, my boy—I thought you were offended with me for losing +my temper. Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old +uncle’s stick you painted. It was only a shilling thing +I bought at a tobacconist’s. However, I am much obliged +to you for your handsome present all same.”</p> +<p>May 24.—Carrie back. Hoorah! She looks wonderfully +well, except that the sun has caught her nose.</p> +<p>May 25.—Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me +to take them to Trillip’s round the corner. She said: “The +fronts and cuffs are much frayed.” I said without a moment’s +hesitation: “I’m <i>’frayed</i> they are.” +Lor! how we roared. I thought we should never stop laughing. +As I happened to be sitting next the driver going to town on the ’bus, +I told him my joke about the “frayed” shirts. I thought +he would have rolled off his seat. They laughed at the office +a good bit too over it.</p> +<p>May 26.—Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip’s. +I said to him: “I’m <i>’fraid</i> they are <i>frayed</i>.” +He said, without a smile: “They’re bound to do that, sir.” +Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour.</p> +<p>June 1.—The last week has been like old times, Carrie being +back, and Gowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly. Twice +we sat out in the garden quite late. This evening we were like +a pack of children, and played “consequences.” It +is a good game.</p> +<p>June 2.—“Consequences” again this evening. +Not quite so successful as last night; Gowing having several times overstepped +the limits of good taste.</p> +<p>June 4.—In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. +Cummings’ to spend a quiet evening with them. Gowing was +there, also Mr. Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. +Cummings sang five or six songs, “No, Sir,” and “The +Garden of Sleep,” being best in my humble judgment; but what pleased +me most was the duet she sang with Carrie—classical duet, too. +I think it is called, “I would that my love!” It was +beautiful. If Carrie had been in better voice, I don’t think +professionals could have sung it better. After supper we made +them sing it again. I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since the walk +that Sunday to the “Cow and Hedge,” but I must say he sings +comic-songs well. His song: “We don’t Want the old +men now,” made us shriek with laughter, especially the verse referring +to Mr. Gladstone; but there was one verse I think he might have omitted, +and I said so, but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.</p> +<p>June 6.—Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust, +his charge for repairing was more than I gave for them when new. +I told him so, and he impertinently replied: “Well, they are better +now than when they were new.” I paid him, and said it was +a robbery. He said: “If you wanted your shirt-fronts made +out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing and bookbinding, why +didn’t you say so?”</p> +<p>June 7.—A dreadful annoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who +lives at Peckham, and who is a great swell in his way. I ventured +to ask him to come home to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did +not think he would accept such a humble invitation; but he did, saying, +in a most friendly way, he would rather “peck” with us than +by himself. I said: “We had better get into this blue ’bus.” +He replied: “No blue-bussing for me. I have had enough of +the blues lately. I lost a cool ‘thou’ over the Copper +Scare. Step in here.”</p> +<p>We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked three times +at the front door without getting an answer. I saw Carrie, through +the panels of ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs. I told +Mr. Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the side. +There I saw the grocer’s boy actually picking off the paint on +the door, which had formed into blisters. No time to reprove him; +so went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen window. +I let in Mr. Franching, and showed him into the drawing-room. +I went upstairs to Carrie, who was changing her dress, and told her +I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come home. She replied: “How +can you do such a thing? You know it’s Sarah’s holiday, +and there’s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having turned +with the hot weather.”</p> +<p>Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down, +washed up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our +views of Japan to look at while I ran round to the butcher’s to +get three chops.</p> +<p>July 30.—The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me +or Carrie, or both. We seem to break out into an argument about +absolutely nothing, and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs +at meal-times.</p> +<p>This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking about +balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation drifted +into family matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest reason, +referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father’s +pecuniary trouble. I retorted by saying that “Pa, at all +events, was a gentleman,” whereupon Carrie burst out crying. +I positively could not eat any breakfast.</p> +<p>At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was very +sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday. +Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his club, “The +Constitutional.” Fearing disagreeables at home after the +“tiff” this morning, I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling +her I was going out to dine and she was not to sit up. Bought +a little silver bangle for Carrie.</p> +<p>July 31.—Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left +with an affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going +to bed. I told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday +next Saturday. She replied quite happily that she did not mind, +except that the weather was so bad, and she feared that Miss Jibbons +would not be able to get her a seaside dress in time. I told Carrie +that I thought the drab one with pink bows looked quite good enough; +and Carrie said she should not think of wearing it. I was about +to discuss the matter, when, remembering the argument yesterday, resolved +to hold my tongue.</p> +<p>I said to Carrie: “I don’t think we can do better than +‘Good old Broadstairs.’” Carrie not only, to +my astonishment, raised an objection to Broadstairs, for the first time; +but begged me not to use the expression, “Good old,” but +to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and other <i>gentlemen</i> of his type. +Hearing my ’bus pass the window, I was obliged to rush out of +the house without kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted to her: “I +leave it to you to decide.” On returning in the evening, +Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided on +Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour View Terrace, for +apartments.</p> +<p>August 1.—Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards’s, +and told them not to cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair +being so loose and also tight at the knee, looked like a sailor’s, +and I heard Pitt, that objectionable youth at the office, call out “Hornpipe” +as I passed his desk. Carrie has ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink +Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt, which I always think looks so pretty +at the seaside. In the evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, +while I read to her the <i>Exchange</i> <i>and Mart</i>. We had +a good laugh over my trying on the hat when she had finished it; Carrie +saying it looked so funny with my beard, and how the people would have +roared if I went on the stage like it.</p> +<p>August 2.—Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms +at Broadstairs. That’s off our mind. Bought a coloured +shirt and a pair of tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell +clerks wearing in the City, and hear are all the “go.”</p> +<p>August 3.—A beautiful day. Looking forward to to-morrow. +Carrie bought a parasol about five feet long. I told her it was +ridiculous. She said: “Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one twice +as long so;” the matter dropped. I bought a capital hat +for hot weather at the seaside. I don’t know what it is +called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in India, only made of +straw. Got three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair +of navy-blue socks at Pope Brothers. Spent the evening packing. +Carrie told me not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth’s telescope, +which he always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it. +Sent Sarah out for it. While everything was seeming so bright, +the last post brought us a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: “I have +just let all my house to one party, and am sorry I must take back my +words, and am sorry you must find other apartments; but Mrs. Womming, +next door, will be pleased to accommodate you, but she cannot take you +before Monday, as her rooms are engaged Bank Holiday week.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>August 4.—The first post brought a nice letter from our dear +son Willie, acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him, +the day before yesterday being his twentieth birthday. To our +utter amazement he turned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed +all the way from Oldham. He said he had got leave from the bank, +and as Monday was a holiday he thought he would give us a little surprise.</p> +<p>August 5, Sunday.—We have not seen Willie since last Christmas, +and are pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown. +One would scarcely believe he was Carrie’s son. He looks +more like a younger brother. I rather disapprove of his wearing +a check suit on a Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to church +this morning; but he said he was tired after yesterday’s journey, +so I refrained from any remark on the subject. We had a bottle +of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie’s health.</p> +<p>He said: “Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I’ve cut my first +name, ‘William,’ and taken the second name ‘Lupin’? +In fact, I’m only known at Oldham as ‘Lupin Pooter.’ +If you were to ‘Willie’ me there, they wouldn’t know +what you meant.”</p> +<p>Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted, +and began by giving a long history of the Lupins. I ventured to +say that I thought William a nice simple name, and reminded him he was +christened after his Uncle William, who was much respected in the City. +Willie, in a manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: +“Oh, I know all about that—Good old Bill!” and helped +himself to a third glass of port.</p> +<p>Carrie objected strongly to my saying “Good old,” but +she made no remark when Willie used the double adjective. I said +nothing, but looked at her, which meant more. I said: “My +dear Willie, I hope you are happy with your colleagues at the Bank.” +He replied: “Lupin, if you please; and with respect to the Bank, +there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the ‘boss’ +is a cad.” I felt so shocked, I could say nothing, and my +instinct told me there was something wrong.</p> +<p>August 6, Bank Holiday.—As there was no sign of Lupin moving +at nine o’clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted +at half-past eight, and asked how long would he be? Lupin replied +that he had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the +house all night, and then with the sun streaming in through the window +in his eyes, and giving him a cracking headache. Carrie came up +and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up, and he said he could +do with a cup of tea, and didn’t want anything to eat.</p> +<p>Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and +said we dined at two; he said he “would be there.” +He never came down till a quarter to three. I said: “We +have not seen much of you, and you will have to return by the 5.30 train; +therefore you will have to leave in an hour, unless you go by the midnight +mail.” He said: “Look here, Guv’nor, it’s +no use beating about the bush. I’ve tendered my resignation +at the Bank.”</p> +<p>For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came again, +I said: “How dare you, sir? How dare you take such a serious +step without consulting me? Don’t answer me, sir!—you +will sit down immediately, and write a note at my dictation, withdrawing +your resignation and amply apologising for your thoughtlessness.”</p> +<p>Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: “It’s +no use. If you want the good old truth, I’ve got the chuck!”</p> +<p>August 7.—Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday +a week, as we could not get the room. This will give us an opportunity +of trying to find an appointment for Willie before we go. The +ambition of my life would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp’s firm.</p> +<p>August 11.—Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin +on our hands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign +from the Bank simply because “he took no interest in his work, +and always arrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late.” +We can all start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light heart. +This will take my mind off the worry of the last few days, which have +been wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager of the Bank +at Oldham.</p> +<p>August 13.—Hurrah! at Broadstairs. Very nice apartments +near the station. On the cliffs they would have been double the +price. The landlady had a nice five o’clock dinner and tea +ready, which we all enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because +there happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wet in the +evening, for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse for going +to bed early. Lupin said he would sit up and read a bit.</p> +<p>August 14.—I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of +reading last night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given +at the Assembly Rooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances +were unworthy of respectable patronage; but he replied: “Oh, it +was only ‘for one night only.’ I had a fit of the +blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly Presswell, England’s +Particular Spark.” I told him I was proud to say I had never +heard of her. Carrie said: “Do let the boy alone. +He’s quite old enough to take care of himself, and won’t +forget he’s a gentleman. Remember, you were young once yourself.” +Rained all day hard, but Lupin would go out.</p> +<p>August 15.—Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate, +and the first person we met on the jetty was Gowing. I said: “Hulloh! +I thought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?” +He said: “Yes, but young Peter Lawrence was so ill, they postponed +their visit, so I came down here. You know the Cummings’ +are here too?” Carrie said: “Oh, that will be delightful! +We must have some evenings together and have games.”</p> +<p>I introduced Lupin, saying: “You will be pleased to find we +have our dear boy at home!” Gowing said: “How’s +that? You don’t mean to say he’s left the Bank?”</p> +<p>I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those awkward +questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking.</p> +<p>August 16.—Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade +with me because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat. +I don’t know what the boy is coming to.</p> +<p>August 17.—Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and +I went for a sail. It was a relief to be with her alone; for when +Lupin irritates me, she always sides with him. On our return, +he said: “Oh, you’ve been on the ‘Shilling Emetic,’ +have you? You’ll come to six-pennorth on the ‘Liver +Jerker’ next.” I presume he meant a tricycle, but +I affected not to understand him.</p> +<p>August 18.—Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening +at Margate. It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him +to the hotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and +in fact disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hasten back +to Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: “I’ll give +you a game, Gowing—a hundred up. A walk round I the cloth +will give me an appetite for dinner.” I said: “Perhaps +Mister Gowing does not care to play with boys.” Gowing surprised +me by saying: “Oh yes, I do, if they play well,” and they +walked off together.</p> +<p>August 19, Sunday.—I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking +(which he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat +and walked out. Carrie then read <i>me</i> a long sermon on the +palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child. +I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening I offered him a cigar. +He seemed pleased, but, after a few whiffs, said: “This is a good +old tup’ny—try one of mine,” and he handed me a cigar +as long as it was strong, which is saying a good deal.</p> +<p>August 20.—I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, +though clouded overhead. We went over to Cummings’ (at Margate) +in the evening, and as it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, +as usual, overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play “Cutlets,” +a game we never heard of. He sat on a chair, and asked Carrie +to sit on his lap, an invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined.</p> +<p>After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing’s knees and +Carrie sat on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie’s +lap, then Cummings on Lupin’s, and Mrs. Cummings on her husband’s. +We looked very ridiculous, and laughed a good deal.</p> +<p>Gowing then said: “Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?” +We had to answer all together: “Yes—oh, yes!” (three +times). Gowing said: “So am I,” and suddenly got up. +The result of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the ground, and +poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of the fender. +Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this we missed the last +train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs, which cost me seven-and-sixpence.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Home again. Mrs. James’ influence on Carrie. Can +get nothing for Lupin. Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome. +Some one tampers with my diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin +startles us with an announcement.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>August 22.—Home sweet Home again! Carrie bought some +pretty blue-wool mats to stand vases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. +write to say they are sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of +clerks for Lupin.</p> +<p>August 23.—I bought a pair of stags’ heads made of plaster-of-Paris +and coloured brown. They will look just the thing for our little +hall, and give it style; the heads are excellent imitations. Poolers +and Smith are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.</p> +<p>August 24.—Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful +for him, as he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up +from Sutton and spend two or three days with us. We have not said +a word to Lupin, but mean to keep it as a surprise.</p> +<p>August 25.—Mrs. James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, +bringing with her an enormous bunch of wild flowers. The more +I see of Mrs James the nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. +She went into Carrie’s room to take off her bonnet, and remained +there nearly an hour talking about dress. Lupin said he was not +a bit surprised at Mrs. James’ <i>visit</i>, but was surprised +at <i>her</i>.</p> +<p>August 26, Sunday.—Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having +talked considerably about what to wear all the morning. Lupin +does not seem to get on very well with Mrs. James. I am afraid +we shall have some trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in +last Wednesday. Several of their friends, who drive up in dog-carts, +have already made themselves objectionable.</p> +<p>An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, +and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit +I have), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an American, +commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about “<i>I had thirteen +dollars in my waistcoat pocket</i>.” I fancied it was meant +for me, and my suspicions were confirmed; for while walking round the +garden in my tall hat this afternoon, a “throw-down” cracker +was deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a percussion +cap. I turned sharply, and am positive I saw the man who was in +the cart retreating from one of the bedroom windows.</p> +<p>August 27.—Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had +not returned when I came back from the office. Judging from the +subsequent conversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie’s +head with a lot of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing’s +and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant.</p> +<p>Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of the remainder +of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse, in +case there was not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and custards. +There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on the sideboard. +Mrs. James made us play rather a good game of cards, called “Muggings.” +To my surprise, in fact disgust, Lupin got up in the middle, and, in +a most sarcastic tone, said: “Pardon me, this sort of thing is +too fast for me, I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the +back-garden.”</p> +<p>Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (who +seems to have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games. +Lupin said: “Let’s play ‘monkeys.’” +He then led Gowing all round the room, and brought him in front of the +looking-glass. I must confess I laughed heartily at this. +I was a little vexed at everybody subsequently laughing at some joke +which they did not explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered +I must have been walking about all the evening with an antimacassar +on one button of my coat-tails.</p> +<p>August 28.—Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums, +evidently come from next door. Pattles and Pattles can’t +find a place for Lupin.</p> +<p>August 29.—Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie. +Carrie appeared in a new dress like a smock-frock. She said “smocking” +was all the rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She also +had on a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape. +Mrs. James went home, and both Lupin and I were somewhat pleased—the +first time we have agreed on a single subject since his return. +Merkins and Son write they have no vacancy for Lupin.</p> +<p>October 30.—I should very much like to know who has wilfully +torn the last five or six weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly +monstrous! Mine is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space +for the record of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record +I take (with much pride) a great deal of pains.</p> +<p>I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She replied it +was my own fault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning +and the sweeps in the house. I said that was not an answer to +my question. This retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, +would have been more effective had I not jogged my elbow against a vase +on a table temporarily placed in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed +it.</p> +<p>Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a +pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding-day +by Mrs. Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie’s cousins, the Pommertons, +late of Dalston. I called to Sarah, and asked her about the diary. +She said she had not been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep +had left, Mrs. Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted +the fire herself. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, +I examined it, and found it was a piece of my diary. So it was +evident some one had torn my diary to light the fire. I requested +Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me to-morrow.</p> +<p>October 31.—Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, +saying that he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. +This, in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; +for I am bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the +record of disappointing answers received from people to whom I have +applied for appointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell called, and, +in reply to me, said: “She never <i>see</i> no book, much less +take such a liberty as <i>touch</i> it.”</p> +<p>I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said +she would do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep lighting +the fire with a bit of the <i>Echo</i>. I requested the sweep +to be sent to me to-morrow. I wish Carrie had not given Lupin +a latch-key; we never seem to see anything of him. I sat up till +past one for him, and then retired tired.</p> +<p>November 1.—My entry yesterday about “retired tired,” +which I did not notice at the time, is rather funny. If I were +not so worried just now, I might have had a little joke about it. +The sweep called, but had the audacity to come up to the hall-door and +lean his dirty bag of soot on the door-step. He, however, was +so polite, I could not rebuke him. He said Sarah lighted the fire. +Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she was dusting the banisters, +and she ran down, and flew into a temper with the sweep, causing a row +on the front door-steps, which I would not have had happen for anything. +I ordered her about her business, and told the sweep I was sorry to +have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps were covered with +soot in consequence of his visit. I would willingly give ten shillings +to find out who tore my diary.</p> +<p>November 2.—I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose +company I never tire. We had a most pleasant chat about the letters +on “Is Marriage a Failure?” It has been no failure +in our case. In talking over our own happy experiences, we never +noticed that it was past midnight. We were startled by hearing +the door slam violently. Lupin had come in. He made no attempt +to turn down the gas in the passage, or even to look into the room where +we were, but went straight up to bed, making a terrible noise. +I asked him to come down for a moment, and he begged to be excused, +as he was “dead beat,” an observation that was scarcely +consistent with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards, +he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, “See +me dance the polka!” or some such nonsense.</p> +<p>November 3.—Good news at last. Mr. Perkupp has got an +appointment for Lupin, and he is to go and see about it on Monday. +Oh, how my mind is relieved! I went to Lupin’s room to take +the good news to him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to +keep it over till the evening.</p> +<p>He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur Dramatic +Club, called the “Holloway Comedians”; and, though it was +a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in the +head. He declined to have any breakfast, so I left him. + In the evening I had up a special bottle of port, and, Lupin being +in for a wonder, we filled our glasses, and I said: “Lupin my +boy, I have some good and unexpected news for you. Mr. Perkupp +has procured you an appointment!” Lupin said: “Good +biz!” and we drained our glasses.</p> +<p>Lupin then said: “Fill up the glasses again, for I have some +good and unexpected news for you.”</p> +<p>I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she +said: “I hope we shall think it good news.”</p> +<p>Lupin said: “Oh, it’s all right! <i>I’m engaged +to be married</i>!”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. Lupin’s new +berth. Fireworks at the Cummings’. The “Holloway +Comedians.” Sarah quarrels with the charwoman. Lupin’s +uncalled-for interference. Am introduced to Daisy Mutlar. +We decide to give a party in her honour.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>November 5, Sunday.—Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy +Lupin getting engaged to be married without consulting us or anything. +After dinner he told us all about it. He said the lady’s +name was Daisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most accomplished +girl he ever met. He loved her the moment he saw her, and if he +had to wait fifty years he would wait, and he knew she would wait for +him.</p> +<p>Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a different +world to him now,—it was a world worth living in. He lived +with an object now, and that was to make Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Pooter, +and he would guarantee she would not disgrace the family of the Pooters. +Carrie here burst out crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and +in doing so, upset the glass of port he held in his hand all over his +new light trousers.</p> +<p>I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her, +but Carrie said she loved her already. I thought this rather premature, +but held my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of conversation +for the remainder of the day. I asked Lupin who her people were, +and he replied: “Oh, you know Mutlar, Williams and Watts.” +I did not know, but refrained from asking any further questions at present, +for fear of irritating Lupin.</p> +<p>November 6.—Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long +conversation with Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which was +that he accepted a clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock +and Share Brokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising +firm, and he did not think much of it. I replied: “Beggars +should not be choosers;” and I will do Lupin the justice to say, +he looked rather ashamed of himself.</p> +<p>In the evening we went round to the Cummings’, to have a few +fireworks. It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull. +One of my squibs would not go off, and Gowing said: “Hit it on +your boot, boy; it will go off then.” I gave it a few knocks +on the end of my boot, and it went off with one loud explosion, and +burnt my fingers rather badly. I gave the rest of the squibs to +the little Cummings’ boy to let off.</p> +<p>Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse +on my head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake +in the ground by way of a grand finale. He made a great fuss about +it; said it cost seven shillings. There was a little difficulty +in getting it alight. At last it went off; but after a couple +of slow revolutions it stopped. I had my stick with me, so I gave +it a tap to send it round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake +on to the grass. Anybody would have thought I had set the house +on fire from the way in which they stormed at me. I will never +join in any more firework parties. It is a ridiculous waste of +time and money.</p> +<p>November 7.—Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but +Carrie said she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first. +I agreed with Carrie, and this led to an argument. However, the +matter was settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting +cards, and we must get some more printed, and when they were finished +would be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of calling.</p> +<p>November 8.—I ordered some of our cards at Black’s, the +stationers. I ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us +for a good long time. In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, +Miss Mutlar’s brother. He was rather a gawky youth, and +Lupin said he was the most popular and best amateur in the club, referring +to the “Holloway Comedians.” Lupin whispered to us +that if we could only “draw out” Harry a bit, he would make +us roar with laughter.</p> +<p>At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He took +up a knife, and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek +in a wonderful manner. He also gave an imitation of an old man +with no teeth, smoking a big cigar. The way he kept dropping the +cigar sent Carrie into fits.</p> +<p>In the course of conversation, Daisy’s name cropped up, and +young Mutlar said he would bring his sister round to us one evening—his +parents being rather old-fashioned, and not going out much. Carrie +said we would get up a little special party. As young Mutlar showed +no inclination to go, and it was approaching eleven o’clock, as +a hint I reminded Lupin that he had to be up early to-morrow. +Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began a series of comic imitations. +He went on for an hour without cessation. Poor Carrie could scarcely +keep her eyes open. At last she made an excuse, and said “Good-night.”</p> +<p>Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hall +something about the “Holloway Comedians,” and to my disgust, +although it was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went +out with his new companion.</p> +<p>November 9.—My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out +of my diary still fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, +so we see little of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal +times. Cummings dropped in.</p> +<p>November 10.—Lupin seems to like his new berth—that’s +a comfort. Daisy Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during +tea. Carrie almost as full of it as Lupin. Lupin informs +me, to my disgust, that he has been persuaded to take part in the forthcoming +performance of the “Holloway Comedians.” He says he +is to play Bob Britches in the farce, <i>Gone to my Uncle’s</i>; +Frank Mutlar is going to play old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly +I was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and totally +disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the evening.</p> +<p>November 11.—Returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful +uproar, Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her +bedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (the +charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top +of her voice that she was “no thief, that she was a respectable +woman, who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone’s +face who put lies into her mouth.” Lupin, whose back was +towards me, did not hear me come in. He was standing between the +two women, and, I regret to say, in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, +he made use of rather strong language in the presence of his mother; +and I was just in time to hear him say: “And all this fuss about +the loss of a few pages from a rotten diary that wouldn’t fetch +three-halfpence a pound!” I said, quietly: “Pardon +me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of this house, +perhaps you will allow me to take the reins.”</p> +<p>I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused +Mrs. Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen +fat and leavings which she had taken out of the house last week. +Mrs. Birrell had slapped Sarah’s face, and said she had taken +nothing out of the place, as there was “never no leavings to take.” +I ordered Sarah back to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go home. +When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking his legs in the air, and +roaring with laughter.</p> +<p>November 12, Sunday.—Coming home from church Carrie and I met +Lupin, Daisy Mutlar, and her brother. Daisy was introduced to +us, and we walked home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. +We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future +daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank. She is a big young +woman, and I should think at least eight years older than Lupin. +I did not even think her good-looking. Carrie asked her if she +could come in on Wednesday next with her brother to meet a few friends. +She replied that she would only be too pleased.</p> +<p>November 13.—Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, +to Mr. and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote +a note to Mr. Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well +make it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? +I said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him. Carrie +said there was “no offence in asking him.” I said: +“Certainly not,” and I wrote him a letter. Carrie +confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlar’s appearance, +but thought she seemed a nice girl.</p> +<p>November 14.—Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand +little party for to-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which +I shall keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could +get away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was +busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies. +She said she felt quite nervous about her responsibilities to-morrow +evening. We decided to have some light things on the table, such +as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard +a nice piece of cold beef and a Paysandu tongue—for the more hungry +ones to peg into if they liked.</p> +<p>Gowing called to know if he was to put on “swallow-tails” +to-morrow. Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr. +Franching was coming, and there was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also +putting in an appearance.</p> +<p>Gowing said: “Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not worn +my dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases +pressed out.”</p> +<p>After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy +Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact, disapproved +of everything, including our having asked our old friend Cummings, who, +he said, would look in evening-dress like a green-grocer engaged to +wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took him for one.</p> +<p>I fairly lost my temper, and said: “Lupin, allow me to tell +you Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I gave you +credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an +engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself. I advise +you to think of earning your living before entangling yourself with +a wife whom you will have to support, and, in all probability, her brother +also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer.”</p> +<p>Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped +up and said: “If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult +me. I will leave the house and never darken your doors again.”</p> +<p>He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was +all right. He came back to supper, and we played Bézique +till nearly twelve o’clock.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Our first important Party. Old Friends and New Friends. +Gowing is a little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out +to be quite amusing. Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he +is most kind and complimentary. Party a great success.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>November 15.—A red-letter day. Our first important party +since we have been in this house. I got home early from the City. +Lupin insisted on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne. +I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece +of luck, having made three pounds out a private deal in the City. +I hope he won’t gamble in his new situation. The supper-room +looked so nice, and Carrie truly said: “We need not be ashamed +of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he honour us by coming.”</p> +<p>I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight +o’clock, and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much +too short.</p> +<p>Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my wearing +ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.</p> +<p>I replied satirically: “My dear son, I have lived to be above +that sort of thing.”</p> +<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man generally was above +his boots.”</p> +<p>This may be funny, or it may <i>not</i>; but I was gratified to find +he had not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. +Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House. +The arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had +hung muslin curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the +entrances, for we had removed the door from its hinges.</p> +<p>Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict +orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one +was empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be +placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses. By-the-by, +our new enlarged and tinted photographs look very nice on the walls, +especially as Carrie has arranged some Liberty silk bows on the four +corners of them.</p> +<p>The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted +me with: “Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!”</p> +<p>I simply said: “Very likely, and you will find my temper ‘<i>short</i>’ +also.”</p> +<p>He said: “That won’t make your trousers longer, Juggins. +You should get your missus to put a flounce on them.”</p> +<p>I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my +diary.</p> +<p>The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former said: +“As you didn’t say anything about dress, I have come ‘half +dress.’” He had on a black frock-coat and white tie. +The James’, Mr. Merton, and Mr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin +was restless and unbearable till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived.</p> +<p>Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’s appearance. +She had a bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck. I +do not think such a style modest. She ought to have taken a lesson +from Carrie, and covered her shoulders with a little lace. Mr. +Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg and his four daughters came; so did Franching, +and one or two of Lupin’s new friends, members of the “Holloway +Comedians.” Some of these seemed rather theatrical in their +manner, especially one, who was posing all the evening, and leant on +our little round table and cracked it. Lupin called him “our +Henry,” and said he was “our lead at the H.C.’s,” +and was quite as good in that department as Harry Mutlar was as the +low-comedy merchant. All this is Greek to me.</p> +<p>We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy’s side for +a moment, raved over her singing of a song, called “Some Day.” +It seemed a pretty song, but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my +mind, so out of tune, I would not have asked her to sing again; but +Lupin made her sing four songs right off, one after the other.</p> +<p>At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing +and Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for +a month. I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp +should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyed me very much by filling +a large tumbler of champagne, and drinking it straight off. He +repeated this action, and made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would +not last out. I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold +of it, and took it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar.</p> +<p>We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking. Carrie +put a stop to that at once. Stillbrook amused us with a song, +“What have you done with your Cousin John?” I did +not notice that Lupin and Frank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, +one of the Holloways, where they were, and he said: “It’s +a case of ‘Oh, what a surprise!’”</p> +<p>We were directed to form a circle—which we did. Watson +then said: “I have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated +Blondin Donkey.” Frank and Lupin then bounded into the room. +Lupin had whitened his face like a clown, and Frank had tied round his +waist a large hearthrug. He was supposed to be the donkey, and +he looked it. They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we +were all shrieking with laughter.</p> +<p>I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr Perkupp standing half-way +in the door, he having arrived without our knowing it. I beckoned +to Carrie, and we went up to him at once. He would not come right +into the room. I apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: +“Oh, it seems amusing.” I could see he was not a bit +amused.</p> +<p>Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck. +There was not a glass of champagne left—not even a sandwich. +Mr. Perkupp said he required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer +or soda water. The last syphon was empty. Carrie said: “We +have plenty of port wine left.” Mr. Perkupp said, with a +smile: “No, thank you. I really require nothing, but I am +most pleased to see you and your husband in your own home. Good-night, +Mrs. Pooter—you will excuse my very short stay, I know.” +I went with him to his carriage, and he said: “Don’t trouble +to come to the office till twelve to-morrow.”</p> +<p>I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie +I thought the party was a failure. Carrie said it was a great +success, and I was only tired, and insisted on my having some port myself. +I drank two glasses, and felt much better, and we went into the drawing-room, +where they had commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, +which I said reminded me of old days. She said I was a spooney +old thing.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER X</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Reflections. I make another Good Joke. Am annoyed at +the constant serving-up of the “Blanc-Mange.” Lupin +expresses his opinion of Weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy +Mutlar.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>November 16.—Woke about twenty times during the night, with +terrible thirst. Finished off all the water in the bottle, as +well as half that in the jug. Kept dreaming also, that last night’s +party was a failure, and that a lot of low people came without invitation, +and kept chaffing and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp, till at last I +was obliged to hide him in the box-room (which we had just discovered), +with a bath-towel over him. It seems absurd now, but it was painfully +real in the dream. I had the same dream about a dozen times.</p> +<p>Carrie annoyed me by saying: “You know champagne never agrees +with you.” I told her I had only a couple of glasses of +it, having kept myself entirely to port. I added that good champagne +hurt nobody, and Lupin told me he had only got it from a traveller as +a favour, as that particular brand had been entirely bought up by a +West-End club.</p> +<p>I think I ate too heartily of the “side dishes,” as the +waiter called them. I said to Carrie: “I wish I had put +those ‘side dishes’ <i>aside</i>.” I repeated +this, but Carrie was busy, packing up the teaspoons we had borrowed +of Mrs. Cummings for the party. It was just half-past eleven, +and I was starting for the office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow +complexion, and said: “Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you +this morning?” I told him he might just as well speak to +me in Dutch. He added: “When I woke this morning, my head +was as big as Baldwin’s balloon.” On the spur of the +moment I said the cleverest thing I think I have ever said; viz.: “Perhaps +that accounts for the para<i>shooting</i> pains.” We roared.</p> +<p>November 17.—Still feel tired and headachy! In the evening +Gowing called, and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday. +He said everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. +Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never know how +long it will last. For instance, he stopped to supper, and seeing +some <i>blanc-mange</i> on the table, shouted out, while the servant +was in the room: “Hulloh! The remains of Wednesday?”</p> +<p>November 18.—Woke up quite fresh after a good night’s +rest, and feel quite myself again. I am satisfied a life of going-out +and Society is not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation +which we received this morning to Miss Bird’s wedding. We +only met her twice at Mrs. James’, and it means a present. +Lupin said: “I am with you for once. To my mind a wedding’s +a very poor play. There are only two parts in it—the bride +and bridegroom. The best man is only a walking gentleman. +With the exception of a crying father and a snivelling mother, the rest +are <i>supers</i> who have to dress well and have to <i>pay</i> for +their insignificant parts in the shape of costly presents.” +I did not care for the theatrical slang, but thought it clever, though +disrespectful.</p> +<p>I told Sarah not to bring up the <i>blanc-mange</i> again for breakfast. +It seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday. +Cummings came round in the evening, and congratulated us on the success +of our party. He said it was the best party he had been to for +many a year; but he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as +he would have turned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a +quiet game of dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of +Lupin and Frank Mutlar. Cummings and I asked them to join us. +Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and suggested a game of “Spoof.” +On my asking if it required counters, Frank and Lupin in measured time +said: “One, two, three; go! Have you an estate in Greenland?” +It was simply Greek to me, but it appears it is one of the customs of +the “Holloway Comedians” to do this when a member displays +ignorance.</p> +<p>In spite of my instructions, that <i>blanc-mange</i> was brought +up again for supper. To make matters worse, there had been an +attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round +it. Carrie asked Lupin if he would have some, and he replied: +“No second-hand goods for me, thank you.” I told Carrie, +when we were alone, if that <i>blanc-mange</i> were placed on the table +again I should walk out of the house.</p> +<p>November 19, Sunday.—A delightfully quiet day. In the +afternoon Lupin was off to spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. +He departed in the best of spirits, and Carrie said: “Well, one +advantage of Lupin’s engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems +happy all day long. That quite reconciles me to what I must confess +seems an imprudent engagement.”</p> +<p>Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed +that it did not always follow that an early engagement meant an unhappy +marriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that we married early, and, +with the exception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had never +had a really serious word. I could not help thinking (as I told +her) that half the pleasures of life were derived from the little struggles +and small privations that one had to endure at the beginning of one’s +married life. Such struggles were generally occasioned by want +of means, and often helped to make loving couples stand together all +the firmer.</p> +<p>Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I was +quite a philosopher.</p> +<p>We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered by +Carrie’s little compliment. I don’t pretend to be +able to express myself in fine language, but I feel I have the power +of expressing my thoughts with simplicity and lucidness. About +nine o’clock, to our surprise. Lupin entered, with a wild, +reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I must say seemed rather +theatrical, said: “Have you any brandy?” I said: “No; +but here is some whisky.” Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful +without water, to my horror.</p> +<p>We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I rose +to go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin: “I hope Daisy is well?”</p> +<p>Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from +the “Holloway Comedians,” replied: “Oh, Daisy? +You mean Miss Mutlar. I don’t know whether she is well or +not, but please <i>never to mention her name again in my presence</i>.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We have a dose of Irving imitations. Make the acquaintance +of a Mr. Padge. Don’t care for him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton +becomes a nuisance.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>November 20.—Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day. +Bought a cheap address-book. I spent the evening copying in the +names and addresses of my friends and acquaintances. Left out +the Mutlars of course.</p> +<p>November 21.—Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening. +He asked for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to +my mind was theatrical and quite ineffective. I said: “My +boy, I have none, and I don’t think I should give it you if I +had.” Lupin said: “I’ll go where I can get some,” +and walked out of the house. Carrie took the boy’s part, +and the rest of the evening was spent in a disagreeable discussion, +in which the words “Daisy” and “Mutlar” must +have occurred a thousand times.</p> +<p>November 22.—Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening. +Lupin also came in, bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton—one +of the “Holloway Comedians”—who was at our party the +other night, and who cracked our little round table. Happy to +say Daisy Mutlar was never referred to. The conversation was almost +entirely monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton, who not only looked +rather like Mr. Irving, but seemed to imagine that he <i>was</i> the +celebrated actor. I must say he gave some capital imitations of +him. As he showed no signs of moving at supper time, I said: “If +you like to stay, Mr. Fosselton, for our usual crust—pray do.” +He replied: “Oh! thanks; but please call me Burwin-Fosselton. +It is a double name. There are lots of Fosseltons, but please +call me Burwin-Fosselton.”</p> +<p>He began doing the Irving business all through supper. He sank +so low down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the +table, and twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and +flashed a knife uncomfortably near Gowing’s face. After +supper he kept stretching out his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps +of quotations from plays which were Greek to me, and more than once +knocked over the fire-irons, making a hideous row—poor Carrie +already having a bad head-ache.</p> +<p>When he went, he said, to our surprise: “I will come to-morrow +and bring my Irving make-up.” Gowing and Cummings said they +would like to see it and would come too. I could not help thinking +they might as well give a party at my house while they are about it. +However, as Carrie sensibly said: “Do anything, dear, to make +Lupin forget the Daisy Mutlar business.”</p> +<p>November 23.—In the evening, Cummings came early. Gowing +came a little later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, +I think, very vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all +moustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to either of us, +but said Padge wanted to see the Irving business, to which Padge said: +“That’s right,” and that is about all he <i>did</i> +say during the entire evening. Lupin came in and seemed in much +better spirits. He had prepared a bit of a surprise. Mr. +Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him, but had gone upstairs to get +ready. In half-an-hour Lupin retired from the parlour, and returning +in a few minutes, announced “Mr. Henry Irving.”</p> +<p>I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a resemblance. +It was astonishing. The only person who did not appear interested +was the man Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puffing away +at a foul pipe into the fireplace. After some little time I said; +“Why do actors always wear their hair so long?” Carrie +in a moment said, “Mr. Hare doesn’t wear long <i>hair</i>.” +How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton, who said, in a rather patronising +kind of way, “The joke, Mrs. Pooter, is extremely appropriate, +if not altogether new.” Thinking this rather a snub, I said: +“Mr. Fosselton, I fancy—” He interrupted me +by saying: “Mr. <i>Burwin</i>-Fosselton, if you please,” +which made me quite forget what I was going to say to him. During +the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again monopolised the conversation with +his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I came to the conclusion one can +have even too much imitation of Irving. After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton +got a little too boisterous over his Irving imitation, and suddenly +seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat, dug his thumb-nail, accidentally +of course, into Gowing’s neck and took a piece of flesh out. +Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who having declined +our modest supper in order that he should not lose his comfortable chair, +burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the little misadventure. +I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said: “I suppose you +would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing’s eye out?” +to which Padge replied: “That’s right,” and laughed +more than ever. I think perhaps the greatest surprise was when +we broke up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said: “Good-night, Mr. Pooter. +I’m glad you like the imitation, I’ll bring <i>the other +make-up to-morrow night</i>.”</p> +<p>November 24.—I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief. +This is the second time I have done this during the last week. +I must be losing my memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar +business, I would have written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him +I should be out this evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man +who would come all the same.</p> +<p>Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a little +note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, which rather +amused me. He added that his neck was still painful. Of +course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, and imagine +my utter disgust when that man Padge actually came again, and not even +accompanied by Gowing. I was exasperated, and said: “Mr. +Padge, this is a <i>surprise</i>.” Dear Carrie, fearing +unpleasantness, said: “Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge has only come to +see the other Irving make-up.” Mr. Padge said: “That’s +right,” and took the best chair again, from which he never moved +the whole evening.</p> +<p>My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an expensive +guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter. The Irving +imitations and conversations occupied the whole evening, till I was +sick of it. Once we had a rather heated discussion, which was +commenced by Cummings saying that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton +was not only <i>like</i> Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way +as <i>good</i> or even <i>better</i>. I ventured to remark that +after all it was but an imitation of an original.</p> +<p>Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the originals. +I made what I considered a very clever remark: “Without an original +there can be no imitation.” Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quite +impertinently: “Don’t discuss me in my presence, if you +please; and, Mr. Pooter, I should advise you to talk about what you +understand;” to which that cad Padge replied: “That’s +right.” Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by suddenly saying: +“I’ll be Ellen Terry.” Dear Carrie’s imitation +wasn’t a bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that +the disagreeable discussion passed off. When they left, I very +pointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should +be engaged to-morrow evening.</p> +<p>November 25.—Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting +last night’s Irving discussion. I was very angry, and I +wrote and said I knew little or nothing about stage matters, was not +in the least interested in them and positively declined to be drawn +into a discussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading to +a breach of friendship. I never wrote a more determined letter.</p> +<p>On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met near +the Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a leap. I bowed +rather stiffly, but she affected not to have seen me. Very much +annoyed in the evening by the laundress sending home an odd sock. +Sarah said she sent two pairs, and the laundress declared only a pair +and a half were sent. I spoke to Carrie about it, but she rather +testily replied: “I am tired of speaking to her; you had better +go and speak to her yourself. She is outside.” I did +so, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent.</p> +<p>Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to +listen to the conversation, and interrupting, said: “Don’t +waste the odd sock, old man; do an act of charity and give it to some +poor mar with only one leg.” The laundress giggled like +an idiot. I was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose +of pinning down my collar, as the button had come off the back of my +shirt.</p> +<p>When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic +joke about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter. +I suppose I am losing my sense of humour. I spoke my mind pretty +freely about Padge. Gowing said he had met him only once before +that evening. He had been introduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) +had “stood” a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some +little return. Upon my word, Gowing’s coolness surpasses +all belief. Lupin came in before I could reply, and Gowing unfortunately +inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupin shouted: “Mind your own +business, sir!” and bounced out of the room, slamming the door. +The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar—Daisy +Mutlar. Oh dear!</p> +<p>November 26, Sunday.—The curate preached a very good sermon +to-day—very good indeed. His appearance is never so impressive +as our dear old vicar’s, but I am bound to say his sermons are +much more impressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, of +which I must make mention. Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite a grand +lady, living in one of those large houses in the Camden Road, stopped +to speak to me after church, when we were all coming out. I must +say I felt flattered, for she is thought a good deal of. I suppose +she knew me through seeing me so often take round the plate, especially +as she always occupies the corner seat of the pew. She is a very +influential lady, and may have had something of the utmost importance +to say, but unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a strong gust of +wind came and blew my hat off into the middle of the road.</p> +<p>I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in recovering +it. When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs. Fernlosse had +walked on with some swell friends, and I felt I could not well approach +her now, especially as my hat was smothered with mud. I cannot +say how disappointed I felt.</p> +<p>In the evening (<i>Sunday</i> evening of all others) I found an impertinent +note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows:</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>“Dear Mr. Pooter,—Although your junior by perhaps some +twenty or thirty years—which is sufficient reason that you ought +to have a longer record of the things and ways in this miniature of +a planet—I feel it is just within the bounds of possibility that +the wheels of your life don’t travel so quickly round as those +of the humble writer of these lines. The dandy horse of past days +has been known to overtake the <i>slow coach</i>.</p> +<p>“Do I make myself understood?</p> +<p>“Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise you +to accept the <i>verb. sap</i>. Acknowledge your defeat, and take +your whipping gracefully; for remember you threw down the glove, and +I cannot claim to be either mentally or physically a <i>coward</i>!</p> +<p>“<i>Revenons à nos moutons</i>.</p> +<p>“Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY ART—THE +STAGE. Your life is devoted to commercial pursuits—‘A +life among Ledgers.’ My books are of different metal. +Your life in the City is honourable, I admit. <i>But how different</i>! +Cannot even you see the ocean between us? A channel that prevents +the meeting of our brains in harmonious accord. Ah! But +<i>chaçun à son goût</i>.</p> +<p>“I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame. +I may crawl, I may slip, I may even falter (we are all weak), but <i>reach +the top rung of the ladder I will</i>!!! When there, my voice +shall be heard, for I will shout to the multitudes below: ‘<i>Vici</i>!’ +For the present I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, forsooth, +save to a party of friends, with here and there an enemy.</p> +<p>“But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, ‘What is the difference +between the amateur and the professional?’</p> +<p>“None!!!</p> +<p>“Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is <i>paid</i> +for doing what the other does as skilfully for <i>nothing</i>!</p> +<p>“But I will be <i>paid</i>, too! For <i>I</i>, contrary +to the wishes of my family and friends, have at last elected to adopt +the stage as <i>my</i> profession. And when the <i>farce</i> craze +is over—and, <i>mark you</i>, <i>that will be soon</i>—I +will make my power known; for I feel—pardon my apparent conceit—that +there is no living man who can play the hump-backed Richard as I <i>feel</i> +and<i> know</i> I can.</p> +<p>“And <i>you</i> will be the first to come round and bend your +head in submission. There are many matters you may understand, +but knowledge of the fine art of acting is to you an <i>unknown quantity</i>.</p> +<p>“Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. <i>Vale</i>!</p> +<p>Yours truly,</p> +<p>“Burwin-Fosselton.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent +letter, and said: “My boy, in that letter you can see the true +character of your friend.”</p> +<p>Lupin, to my surprise, said: “Oh yes. He showed me the +letter before he sent it. I think he is right, and you ought to +apologise.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary. +Lupin’s opinion of ’Xmas. Lupin’s unfortunate +engagement is on again.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>December 17.—As I open my scribbling diary I find the words +“Oxford Michaelmas Term ends.” Why this should induce +me to indulge in retrospective I don’t know, but it does. +The last few weeks of my diary are of minimum interest. The breaking +off of the engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a +different being, and Carrie a rather depressing companion. She +was a little dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer her up by reading +some extracts from my diary; but she walked out of the room in the middle +of the reading, without a word. On her return, I said: “Did +my diary bore you, darling?”</p> +<p>She replied, to my surprise: “I really wasn’t listening, +dear. I was obliged to leave to give instructions to the laundress. +In consequence of some stuff she puts in the water, two more of Lupin’s +coloured shirts have run and he says he won’t wear them.”</p> +<p>I said: “Everything is Lupin. It’s all Lupin, Lupin, +Lupin. There was not a single button on my shirt yesterday, but +<i>I</i> made no complaint.”</p> +<p>Carrie simply replied: “You should do as all other men do, +and wear studs. In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons +on the shirt-fronts.”</p> +<p>I said: “I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none +on.”</p> +<p>Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in the +evening, and Cummings never does. I fear they don’t get +on well with Lupin.</p> +<p>December 18.—Yesterday I was in a retrospective vein—to-day +it is <i>prospective</i>. I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds. +Lupin is perfectly intolerable over the Daisy Mutlar business. +He won’t say what is the cause of the breach. He is evidently +condemning her conduct, and yet, if we venture to agree with him, says +he won’t hear a word against her. So what is one to do? +Another thing which is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin +take no interest whatever in my diary.</p> +<p>I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day. I said: +“I was in hopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary +would be an endless source of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of +the chance of the remuneration which may accrue from its being published.”</p> +<p>Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie was sorry +for this, I could see, for she said: “I did not mean to be rude, +dear Charlie; but truly I do not think your diary would sufficiently +interest the public to be taken up by a publisher.”</p> +<p>I replied: “I am sure it would prove quite as interesting as +some of the ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately. +Besides, it’s the diary that makes the man. Where would +Evelyn and Pepys have been if it had not been for their diaries?”</p> +<p>Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering tone, +said: “If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., we might +get a fair price from a butterman for it.”</p> +<p>As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year will +see the end of my diary.</p> +<p>December 19.—The annual invitation came to spend Christmas +with Carrie’s mother—the usual family festive gathering +to which we always look forward. Lupin declined to go. I +was astounded, and expressed my surprise and disgust. Lupin then +obliged us with the following Radical speech: “I hate a family +gathering at Christmas. What does it mean? Why someone says: +‘Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who was here last year,’ +and we all begin to snivel. Someone else says: ‘It’s +two years since poor Aunt Liz used to sit in that corner.’ +Then we all begin to snivel again. Then another gloomy relation +says ‘Ah! I wonder whose turn it will be next?’ +Then we all snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much; and +they don’t discover until <i>I</i> get up that we have been seated +thirteen at dinner.”</p> +<p>December 20.—Went to Smirksons’, the drapers, in the +Strand, who this year have turned out everything in the shop and devoted +the whole place to the sale of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with +people, who seemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a +hurried glance at them, throw them down again. I remarked to one +of the young persons serving, that carelessness appeared to be a disease +with some purchasers. The observation was scarcely out of my mouth, +when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a large pile of expensive cards +in boxes one on top of the other, and threw them down. The manager +came forward, looking very much annoyed, and picking up several cards +from the ground, said to one of the assistants, with a palpable side-glance +at me: “Put these amongst the sixpenny goods; they can’t +be sold for a shilling now.” The result was, I felt it my +duty to buy some of these damaged cards.</p> +<p>I had to buy more and pay more than intended. Unfortunately +I did not examine them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar +card with a picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and the +other white, and the words: “We wish Pa a Merry Christmas.” +I tore up the card and threw it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage +of going out in Society and increasing the number of our friends was, +that we should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this year.</p> +<p>December 21.—To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we +follow the example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early. +Most of the cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. +I shall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, ever +since he has had the appointment with a stock and share broker, does +not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings) told me never to rub out the +pencilled price on the backs of the cards. I asked him why. +Lupin said: “Suppose your card is marked 9d. Well, all you +have to do is to pencil a 3—and a long down-stroke after it—in +<i>front</i> of the ninepence, and people will think you have given +five times the price for it.”</p> +<p>In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that +behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said: “Ugh! it +never shines on me.” I said: “Stop, Lupin, my boy; +you are worried about Daisy Mutlar. Don’t think of her any +more. You ought to congratulate yourself on having got off a very +bad bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our simple tastes.” +He jumped up and said: “I won’t allow one word to be uttered +against her. She’s worth the whole bunch of your friends +put together, that inflated, sloping-head of a Perkupp included.” +I left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.</p> +<p>December 23.—I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; +but as he seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured +to ask him where he intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: +“Oh, most likely at the Mutlars’.”</p> +<p>In wonderment, I said: “What! after your engagement has been +broken off?”</p> +<p>Lupin said: “Who said it is off?”</p> +<p>I said: “You have given us both to understand—”</p> +<p>He interrupted me by saying: “Well, never mind what I said. +<i>It is on again—there</i>!”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>I receive an insulting Christmas card. We spend a pleasant +Christmas at Carrie’s mother’s. A Mr. Moss is rather +too free. A boisterous evening, during which I am struck in the +dark. I receive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior, +respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old Year.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>December 24.—I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings +to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this +morning. I never insult people; why should they insult me? +The worst part of the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting +all my friends. The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised, +being written sloping the wrong way. I cannot think either Gowing +or Cummings would do such a mean thing. Lupin denied all knowledge +of it, and I believe him; although I disapprove of his laughing and +sympathising with the offender. Mr. Franching would be above such +an act; and I don’t think any of the Mutlars would descend to +such a course. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk at the office, +did it? Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, or Burwin-Fosselton? +The writing is too good for the former.</p> +<p>Christmas Day.—We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and +spent a pleasant day at Carrie’s mother’s. The country +was quite nice and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We +dined in the middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old +times. If everybody had a nice, <i>un</i>interfering mother-in-law, +such as I have, what a deal of happiness there would be in the world. +Being all in good spirits, I proposed her health, and I made, I think, +a very good speech.</p> +<p>I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: “On an occasion like +this—whether relatives, friends, or acquaintances,—we are +all inspired with good feelings towards each other. We are of +one mind, and think only of love and friendship. Those who have +quarrelled with absent friends should kiss and make it up. Those +who happily have not fallen out, can kiss all the same.”</p> +<p>I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must +say I felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear old Reverend +John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech, +and said he should act on my suggestion respecting the kissing. +He then walked round the table and kissed all the ladies, including +Carrie. Of course one did not object to this; but I was more than +staggered when a young fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, +and who had scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly +with a sprig of misletoe, and exclaimed: “Hulloh! I don’t +see why I shouldn’t be on in this scene.” Before one +could realise what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and the rest +of the ladies.</p> +<p>Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed; +but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a moment +as to the result. I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, +but she said: “Oh, he’s not much more than a boy.” +I said that he had a very large moustache for a boy. Carrie replied: +“I didn’t say he was not a nice boy.”</p> +<p>December 26.—I did not sleep very well last night; I never +do in a strange bed. I feel a little indigestion, which one must +expect at this time of the year. Carrie and I returned to Town +in the evening. Lupin came in late. He said he enjoyed his +Christmas, and added: “I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, +and only require a little more ‘oof’ to feel as fit as a +£500 Stradivarius.” I have long since given up trying +to understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him to explain it.</p> +<p>December 27.—I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings +to drop in to-morrow evening for a quiet game. I was in hope the +boy would volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead +of which, he said: “Oh, you had better put them off, as I have +asked Daisy and Frank Mutlar to come.” I said I could not +think of doing such a thing. Lupin said: “Then I will send +a wire, and put off Daisy.” I suggested that a post-card +or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would not be so extravagant.</p> +<p>Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent +annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. She said: “Lupin, +why do you object to Daisy meeting your father’s friends? +Is it because they are not good enough for her, or (which is equally +possible) <i>she</i> is not good enough for them?” Lupin +was dumbfounded, and could make no reply. When he left the room, +I gave Carrie a kiss of approval.</p> +<p>December 28—Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his +mother: “I have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them +to join Gowing and Cummings this evening.” I felt very pleased +with the boy for this. Carrie said, in reply: “I am glad +you let me know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, +dress it with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been cut.” +She further said she would make a few custards, and stew some pippins, +so that they would be cold by the evening.</p> +<p>Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had +any personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings. He replied: +“Not in the least. I think Cummings looks rather an ass, +but that is partly due to his patronising ‘the three-and-six-one-price +hat company,’ and wearing a reach-me-down frock-coat. As +for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of Gowing’s—why, +he resembles an itinerant photographer.”</p> +<p>I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon Lupin, +with a laugh, replied: “No, and it wasn’t much of a gentleman +who made their coats.”</p> +<p>We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very agreeable, +especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she sang. +At supper, however, she said: “Can you make tee-to-tums with bread?” +and she commenced rolling up pieces of bread, and twisting them round +on the table. I felt this to be bad manners, but of course said +nothing. Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing +bread-pills at each other. Frank followed suit, and so did Cummings +and Gowing, to my astonishment. They then commenced throwing hard +pieces of crust, one piece catching me on the forehead, and making me +blink. I said: “Steady, please; steady!” Frank +jumped up and said: “Tum, tum; then the band played.”</p> +<p>I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued +the bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the +cold mutton, and threw it full in my face. I looked daggers at +Gowing, who replied: “I say, it’s no good trying to look +indignant, with your hair full of parsley.” I rose from +the table, and insisted that a stop should be put to this foolery at +once. Frank Mutlar shouted: “Time, gentlemen, please! time!” +and turned out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.</p> +<p>I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received a +hard intentional punch at the back of my head. I said loudly: +“Who did that?” There was no answer; so I repeated +the question, with the same result. I struck a match, and lighted +the gas. They were all talking and laughing, so I kept my own +counsel; but, after they had gone, I said to Carrie; “The person +who sent me that insulting post-card at Christmas was here to-night.”</p> +<p>December 29.—I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke +up, and on falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely. +I dreamt I heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only +sent me the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one +who punched my head last night in the dark. As fate would have +it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a letter he had just +received from Frank.</p> +<p>I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing. +He did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing +the Christmas card. I detected a similarity in the writing, in +spite of the attempted disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who +began to laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she +said the card was never directed to me at all. It was “L. +Pooter,” not “C. Pooter.” Lupin asked to look +at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh: “Oh +yes, Guv., it’s meant for me.”</p> +<p>I said: “Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas +cards?” He replied: “Oh yes, and of <i>sending</i> +them, too.”</p> +<p>In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much +last night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old +friend, about the vicious punch last night. He burst out laughing, +and said: “Oh, it was <i>your head</i>, was it? I know I +accidentally hit something, but I thought it was a brick wall.” +I told him I felt hurt, in both senses of the expression.</p> +<p>December 30, Sunday.—Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars. +He seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: “I’m +glad to see you so happy, Lupin.” He answered: “Well, +Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of +a father down a peg. What with his meanness over his cigars, his +stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning down the +gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to one on half-sheets +of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap on to the +new cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace, and his +general ‘outside-halfpenny-‘bus-ness,’ I was compelled +to let him have a bit of my mind.” I said: “Lupin, +you are not much more than a boy; I hope you won’t repent it.”</p> +<p>December 31.—The last day of the Old Year. I received +an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior. He writes: “Dear +Sir,—For a long time past I have had considerable difficulty deciding +the important question, ‘Who is the master of my own house? +Myself, or <i>your son</i> Lupin?’ Believe me, I have no +prejudice one way or the other; but I have been most reluctantly compelled +to give judgment to the effect that I am the master of it. Under +the circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid your son to enter +my house again. I am sorry, because it deprives me of the society +of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly persons I have +ever had the honour of being acquainted with.”</p> +<p>I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said +nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.</p> +<p>A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but promised +to be back to drink out the Old Year—a custom we have always observed. +At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned, and the fog was fearful. +As time was drawing close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I +deciding on whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt +like brandy. As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing +to discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had not come in, +did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to have a small wager with +her to decide by the smell. I said I could decide it by the taste +in a moment. A silly and unnecessary argument followed, the result +of which was we suddenly saw it was a quarter-past twelve, and, for +the first time in our married life, we missed welcoming in the New Year. +Lupin got home at a quarter-past two, having got lost in the fog—so +he said.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office. +I make two good jokes. I get an enormous rise in my salary. +Lupin speculates successfully and starts a pony-trap. Have to +speak to Sarah. Extraordinary conduct of Gowing’s.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>January 1.—I had intended concluding my diary last week; but +a most important event has happened, so I shall continue for a little +while longer on the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year’s +diary. It had just struck half-past one, and I was on the point +of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received a message that +Mr. Perkupp desired to see me at once. I must confess that my +heart commenced to beat and I had most serious misgivings.</p> +<p>Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: “Take a seat, +Mr. Pooter, I shall not be moment.”</p> +<p>I replied: “No, thank you, sir; I’ll stand.”</p> +<p>I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite twenty +minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp at last got up himself.</p> +<p>I said: “I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?”</p> +<p>He replied: “Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope.” +What a weight off my mind! My breath seemed to come back again +in an instant.</p> +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there +will be some slight changes in the office. You have been with +us nearly twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during +that period, we intend making a special promotion in your favour. +We have not quite decided how you will be placed; but in any case there +will be a considerable increase in your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary +for me to say, you fully deserve. I have an appointment at two; +but you shall hear more to-morrow.”</p> +<p>He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or +thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to him. I +need not say how dear Carrie received this joyful news. With perfect +simplicity she said: “At last we shall be able to have a chimney-glass +for the back drawing-room, which we always wanted.” I added: +“Yes, and at last you shall have that little costume which you +saw at Peter Robinson’s so cheap.”</p> +<p>January 2.—I was in a great state of suspense all day at the +office. I did not like to worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not +send for me, and mentioned yesterday that he would see me again to-day, +I thought it better, perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, +and on entering, Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh! it’s you, Mr. Pooter; +do you want to see me?” I said: “No, sir, I thought +you wanted to see me!” “Oh!” he replied, “I +remember. Well, I am very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.”</p> +<p>January 3.—Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which +was not alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should +not be at the office to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily +engaged with a paper, said suddenly to me: “Do you know anything +about <i>chalk pits</i>, Guv.?” I said: “No, my boy, +not that I’m aware of.” Lupin said: “Well, I +give you the tip; <i>chalk pits</i> are as safe as Consols, and pay +six per cent. at par.” I said a rather neat thing, viz.: +“They may be six per cent. at <i>par</i>, but your <i>pa</i> has +no money to invest.” Carrie and I both roared with laughter. +Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the joke, although I purposely +repeated it for him; but continued: “I give you the tip, that’s +all—<i>chalk pits</i>!” I said another funny thing: +“Mind you don’t fall into them!” Lupin put on +a supercilious smile, and said: “Bravo! Joe Miller.”</p> +<p>January 4.—Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position +would be that of one of the senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. +Mr. Perkupp added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary would +be. This means another day’s anxiety; I don’t mind, +for it is anxiety of the right sort. That reminded me that I had +forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I received from Mr. Mutlar, +senr. I broached the subject to Lupin in the evening, having first +consulted Carrie. Lupin was riveted to the <i>Financial News</i>, +as if he had been a born capitalist, and I said: “Pardon me a +moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to the Mutlars’ any +day this week?”</p> +<p>Lupin answered: “I told you! I cannot stand old Mutlar.”</p> +<p>I said: “Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that +he cannot stand you!”</p> +<p>Lupin said: “Well, I like his cheek in writing to <i>you</i>. +I’ll find out if his father is still alive, and I will write <i>him</i> +a note complaining of <i>his</i> son, and I’ll state pretty clearly +that his son is a blithering idiot!”</p> +<p>I said: “Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence +of your mother.”</p> +<p>Lupin said: “I’m very sorry, but there is no other expression +one can apply to him. However, I’m determined not to enter +his place again.”</p> +<p>I said: “You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house.”</p> +<p>Lupin replied: “Well, we won’t split straws—it’s +all the same. Daisy is a trump, and will wait for me ten years, +if necessary.”</p> +<p>January 5.—I can scarcely write the news. Mr. Perkupp +told me my salary would be raised £100! I stood gaping for +a moment unable to realise it. I annually get £10 rise, +and I thought it might be £15 or even £20; but £100 +surpasses all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good +fortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits. +I sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’s for a bottle of champagne, +the same as we had before, “Jackson Frères.” +It was opened at supper, and I said to Lupin: “This is to celebrate +some good news I have received to-day.” Lupin replied: “Hooray, +Guv.! And I have some good news, also; a double event, eh?” +I said: “My boy, as a result of twenty-one years’ industry +and strict attention to the interests of my superiors in office, I have +been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary of £100.”</p> +<p>Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which +brought in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin ordered us +to “fill up” again, and addressing us upstanding, said: +“Having been in the firm of Job Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, +a few weeks, and not having paid particular attention to the interests +of my superiors in office, my Guv’nor, as a reward to me, allotted +me £5 worth of shares in a really good thing. The result +is, to-day I have made £200.” I said: “Lupin, +you are joking.” “No, Guv., it’s the good old +truth; Job Cleanands <i>put me on to Chlorates</i>.”</p> +<p>January 21.—I am very much concerned at Lupin having started +a pony-trap. I said: “Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous +extravagance?” Lupin replied: “Well, one must get +to the City somehow. I’ve only hired it, and can give it +up any time I like.” I repeated my question: “Are +you justified in this extravagance?” He replied: “Look +here, Guv., excuse me saying so, but you’re a bit out of date. +It does not pay nowadays, fiddling about over small things. I +don’t mean anything personal, Guv’nor. My boss says +if I take his tip, and stick to big things, I can make big money!” +I said I thought the very idea of speculation most horrifying. +Lupin said “It is not speculation, it’s a dead cert.” +I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and cart; but +he replied: “I made £200 in one day; now suppose I only +make £200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, which is +ridiculously low—why, that is £1,250 a year. What’s +a few pounds a week for a trap?”</p> +<p>I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should +feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsible +for his own debts. He answered: “My dear Guv., I promise +you faithfully that I will never speculate with what I have not got. +I shall only go on Job Cleanands’ tips, and as he is in the ‘know’ +it is pretty safe sailing.” I felt somewhat relieved. +Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise, informed me that, +as he had made £10 by one of Lupin’s tips, he intended asking +us and the Cummings round next Saturday. Carrie and I said we +should be delighted.</p> +<p>January 22.—I don’t generally lose my temper with servants; +but I had to speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she +has recently contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the +breakfast things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on +the carpet, eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answered very rudely: +“Oh, you are always complaining.” I replied: “Indeed, +I am not. I spoke to you last week about walking all over the +drawing-room carpet with a piece of yellow soap on the heel of your +boot.” She said: “And you’re always grumbling +about your breakfast.” I said: “No, I am not; but +I feel perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled +egg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, +and I have spoken to you at least fifty times about it.” +She began to cry and make a scene; but fortunately my ’bus came +by, so I had a good excuse for leaving her. Gowing left a message +in the evening, that we were not to forget next Saturday. Carrie +amusingly said: As he has never asked any friends before, we are not +likely to forget it.</p> +<p>January 23.—I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes, +he recently made me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser +tells me I ought not to brush my hair too much just now.</p> +<p>January 24.—The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. +Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side. +It is an immense improvement to the room.</p> +<p>January 25.—We had just finished our tea, when who should come +in but Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks. I +noticed that he looked anything but well, so I said: “Well, Cummings, +how are you? You look a little blue.” He replied: +“Yes! and I feel blue too.” I said: “Why, what’s +the matter?” He said: “Oh, nothing, except that I +have been on my back for a couple of weeks, that’s all. +At one time my doctor nearly gave me up, yet not a soul has come near +me. No one has even taken the trouble to inquire whether I was +alive or dead.”</p> +<p>I said: “This is the first I have heard of it. I have +passed your house several nights, and presumed you had company, as the +rooms were so brilliantly lighted.”</p> +<p>Cummings replied: “No! The only company I have had was +my wife, the doctor, and the landlady—the last-named having turned +out a perfect trump. I wonder you did not see it in the paper. +I know it was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle News</i>.”</p> +<p>I thought to cheer him up, and said: “Well, you are all right +now?”</p> +<p>He replied: “That’s not the question. The question +is whether an illness does not enable you to discover who are your <i>true</i> +friends.”</p> +<p>I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make matters +worse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the back, +and said: “Hulloh! Have you seen a ghost? You look +scared to death, like Irving in <i>Macbeth</i>.” I said: +“Gently, Gowing, the poor fellow has been very ill.” +Gowing roared with laughter and said: “Yes, and you look it, too.” +Cummings quietly said: “Yes, and I feel it too—not that +I suppose you care.”</p> +<p>An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: “Never mind, +Cummings, you and the missis come round to my place to-morrow, and it +will cheer you up a bit; for we’ll open a bottle of wine.”</p> +<p>January 26.—An extraordinary thing happened. Carrie and +I went round to Gowing’s, as arranged, at half-past seven. +We knocked and rang several times without getting an answer. At +last the latch was drawn and the door opened a little way, the chain +still being up. A man in shirt-sleeves put his head through and +said: “Who is it? What do you want?” I said: “Mr. +Gowing, he is expecting us.” The man said (as well as I +could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog): “I don’t +think he is. Mr. Gowing is not at home.” I said: “He +will be in directly.”</p> +<p>With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and me +standing on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner.</p> +<p>Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then discovered +for the first time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the +paint had come off on my gloves—which were, in consequence, completely +spoiled.</p> +<p>I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.</p> +<p>The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and began +abusing me. He said: “What do you mean by scratching the +paint with your stick like that, spoiling the varnish? You ought +to be ashamed of yourself.”</p> +<p>I said: “Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited—”</p> +<p>He interrupted and said: “I don’t care for Mr. Gowing, +or any of his friends. This is <i>my</i> door, not Mr. Gowing’s. +There are people here besides Mr. Gowing.”</p> +<p>The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely noticed +it, it was so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing.</p> +<p>At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings was +very lame and leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what +the matter was.</p> +<p>The man said: “Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone. +All he said was he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and he +should not be back till Monday evening. He took his bag with him.”</p> +<p>With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant with +Gowing’s conduct to say anything. Cummings looked white +with rage, and as he descended the steps struck his stick violently +on the ground and said: “Scoundrel!”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a drive, which +we don’t enjoy. Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>February 8.—It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages for +breakfast. They are either full of bread or spice, or are as red +as beef. Still anxious about the £20 I invested last week +by Lupin’s advice. However, Cummings has done the same.</p> +<p>February 9.—Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither +seen nor heard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking +us round to his house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie +was engaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased. +I’ll back Carrie’s marking against anybody’s. +While I was drying them at the fire, and Carrie was rebuking me for +scorching them, Cummings came in.</p> +<p>He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the collars. +I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied that he had +not. I said I should not have believed that Gowing could have +acted in such an ungentlemanly manner. Cummings said: “You +are mild in your description of him; I think he has acted like a cad.”</p> +<p>The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, and +Gowing, putting in his head, said: “May I come in?” +I said: “Certainly.” Carrie said very pointedly: “Well, +you <i>are</i> a stranger.” Gowing said: “Yes, I’ve +been on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.” I +could see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackled Gowing +very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday week. Gowing +appeared surprised, and said: “Why, I posted a letter to you in +the morning announcing that the party was ‘off, very much off.’” +I said: “I never got it.” Gowing, turning to Carrie, +said: “I suppose letters sometimes <i>miscarry</i>, don’t +they, <i>Mrs</i>. Carrie?” Cummings sharply said: “This +is not a time for joking. I had no notice of the party being put +off.” Gowing replied: “I told Pooter in my note to +tell you, as I was in a hurry. However, I’ll inquire at +the post-office, and we must meet again at my place.” I +added that I hoped he would be present at the next meeting. Carrie +roared at this, and even Cummings could not help laughing.</p> +<p>February 10, Sunday.—Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed +Lupin to persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his +trap. I quite disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not +like to trust Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. +Lupin said: “Now, that is nice of you, Guv., but you won’t +mind sitting on the back-seat of the cart?”</p> +<p>Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles too +large for him. Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at +the back. Lupin said: “Haven’t you seen a box-coat +before? You can’t drive in anything else.”</p> +<p>He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive +with him again. His conduct was shocking. When we passed +Highgate Archway, he tried to pass everything and everybody. He +shouted to respectable people who were walking quietly in the road to +get out of the way; he flicked at the horse of an old man who was riding, +causing it to rear; and, as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled +to face a gang of roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and +who turned and followed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in +coarse jokes and laughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting us +with orange-peel.</p> +<p>Lupin’s excuse—that the Prince of Wales would have to +put up with the same sort of thing if he drove to the Derby—was +of little consolation to either Carrie or myself. Frank Mutlar +called in the evening, and Lupin went out with him.</p> +<p>February 11.—Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered +up courage to speak to Mr. Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has +always been most kind to me, so I told him everything, including yesterday’s +adventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: “There is no necessity +for you to be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would be impossible for +a son of such good parents to turn out erroneously. Remember he +is young, and will soon get older. I wish we could find room for +him in this firm.” The advice of this good man takes loads +off my mind. In the evening Lupin came in.</p> +<p>After our little supper, he said: “My dear parents, I have +some news, which I fear will affect you considerably.” I +felt a qualm come over me, and said nothing. Lupin then said: +“It may distress you—in fact, I’m sure it will—but +this afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for ever.” +It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a bottle +of port. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing with him a large +sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, which he fastened against +the wall. He then produced several separate tails, and we spent +the remainder of the evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in +the proper place. My sides positively ached with laughter when +I went to bed.</p> +<p>February 12.—In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement +with Daisy Mutlar. I asked if he had heard from her. He +replied: “No; she promised that old windbag of a father of hers +that she would not communicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of +course; in fact, he said he might call again this evening.” +Frank called, but said he could not stop, as he had a friend waiting +outside for him, named Murray Posh, adding he was quite a swell. +Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.</p> +<p>He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr. Murray +Posh was a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervous +disposition, as he subsequently confessed he would never go in a hansom +cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler until the driver had first got +on the box with his reins in his hands.</p> +<p>On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said: “Any +relation to ‘Posh’s three-shilling hats’?” +Mr. Posh replied: “Yes; but please understand I don’t try +on hats myself. I take no <i>active</i> part in the business.” +I replied: “I wish I had a business like it.” Mr. +Posh seemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of +the extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap hats.</p> +<p>Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the +way he was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, laughingly: +“If you don’t look out, Posh will cut you out!” +When they had all gone, I referred to this flippant conversation; and +Lupin said, sarcastically: “A man who is jealous has no respect +for himself. A man who would be jealous of an elephant like Murray +Posh could only have a contempt for himself. I know Daisy. +She <i>would</i> wait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, if +necessary, <i>she would wait twenty years for me</i>.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XVI</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We lose money over Lupin’s advice as to investment, so does +Cummings. Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>February 18.—Carrie has several times recently called attention +to the thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me +to get it seen to. I was this morning trying to look at it by +the aid of a small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against +the edge of the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand +and smashed it. Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she is +rather absurdly superstitious. To make matters worse, my large +photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, and the glass +cracked.</p> +<p>Carrie said: “Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about +to happen.”</p> +<p>I said: “Nonsense, dear.”</p> +<p>In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little agitated. +I said: “What’s up, my boy?” He hesitated a +good deal, and then said: “You know those Parachikka Chlorates +I advised you to invest £20 in? I replied: “Yes, they +are all right, I trust?” He replied: “Well, no! +To the surprise of everybody, they have utterly collapsed.”</p> +<p>My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing. +Carrie looked at me, and said: “What did I tell you?” +Lupin, after a while, said: “However, you are specially fortunate. +I received an early tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate +to get £2 for them. So you get something after all.”</p> +<p>I gave a sigh of relief. I said: “I was not so sanguine +as to suppose, as you predicted, that I should get six or eight times +the amount of my investment; still a profit of £2 is a good percentage +for such a short time.” Lupin said, quite irritably: “You +don’t understand. I sold your £20 shares for £2; +you therefore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby Cummings and +Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.”</p> +<p>February 19.—Lupin, before going to town, said: “I am +very sorry about those Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened +if the boss, Job Cleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, +you must not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office. +Job Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it strikes me +several people <i>do</i> want to see him very particularly.”</p> +<p>In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid +a collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the room, +without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, “May I come +in?”</p> +<p>He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be +in the very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I broached the +subject to him, but he did so of his own accord. He said: “I +say, those Parachikka Chlorates have gone an awful smash! You’re +a nice one, Master Lupin. How much do you lose?” Lupin, +to my utter astonishment, said: “Oh! I had nothing in them. +There was some informality in my application—I forgot to enclose +the cheque or something, and I didn’t get any. The Guv. +loses £18.” I said: “I quite understood you +were in it, or nothing would have induced me to speculate.” +Lupin replied: “Well, it can’t be helped; you must go double +on the next tip.” Before I could reply, Gowing said: “Well, +I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I did not quite +believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my £15 worth, +as he had more faith in them than I had.”</p> +<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said: +“Alas, poor Cummings. He’ll lose £35.” +At that moment there was a ring at the bell. Lupin said: “I +don’t want to meet Cummings.” If he had gone out of +the door he would have met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible +Lupin opened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up +suddenly, exclaiming: “I don’t want to see him either!” +and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin out of the window.</p> +<p>For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my +most intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of +interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course +was naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing. I pressed +him to have a little whisky, and he replied that he had given up whisky; +but would like a little “Unsweetened,” as he was advised +it was the most healthy spirit. I had none in the house, but sent +Sarah round to Lockwood’s for some.</p> +<p>February 20.—The first thing that caught my eye on opening +the <i>Standard</i> was—“Great Failure of Stock and Share +Dealers! Mr. Job Cleanands absconded!” I handed it +to Carrie, and she replied: “Oh! perhaps it’s for Lupin’s +good. I never did think it a suitable situation for him.” +I thought the whole affair very shocking.</p> +<p>Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully distressed, +I said: “We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorry for +you.” Lupin said: “How did you know? who told you?” +I handed him the <i>Standard</i>. He threw the paper down, and +said: “Oh I don’t care a button for that! I expected +that, but I did not expect this.” He then read a letter +from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar is +to be married next month to Murray Posh. I exclaimed, “Murray +Posh! Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring +here last Tuesday week?” Lupin said: “Yes; the ‘<i>Posh’s-three-shilling-hats’</i> +chap.”</p> +<p>We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.</p> +<p>In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too worried, but +I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon. If I cannot get streaky +bacon, I will do without anything.</p> +<p>When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his +face. I asked him what it meant. He replied: “Oh! +only a little consolation—still it is a consolation. I have +just remembered that, by <i>my</i> advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested +£600 in Parachikka Chlorates!”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XVII</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The dream of my life +realised. Mr. Perkupp takes Lupin into the office.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>March 20.—To-day being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. +Murray Posh are to be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to spend +the day at Gravesend. Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, +although he declares that he is glad it is off. I wish he would +not go to so many music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him +about it. At the present moment he irritates me by singing all +over the house some nonsense about “What’s the matter with +Gladstone? He’s all right! What’s the matter +with Lupin? He’s all right!” <i>I</i> don’t +think either of them is. In the evening Gowing called, and the +chief topic of conversation was Daisy’s marriage to Murray Posh. +I said: “I was glad the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only +have made a fool of Lupin.” Gowing, with his usual good +taste, said: “Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself without +any assistance.” Carrie very properly resented this, and +Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.</p> +<p>March 21.—To-day I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of +the happiest days of my life. My great dream of the last few weeks—in +fact, of many years—has been realised. This morning came +a letter from Mr. Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the office +with me. I went to Lupin’s room; poor fellow, he seemed +very pale, and said he had a bad headache. He had come back yesterday +from Gravesend, where he spent part of the day in a small boat on the +water, having been mad enough to neglect to take his overcoat with him. +I showed him Mr. Perkupp’s letter, and he got up as quickly as +possible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured clothes +and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking.</p> +<p>Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she +could keep on saying was: “Oh, I <i>do</i> hope it will be all +right.” For myself, I could scarcely eat any breakfast. +Lupin came down dressed quietly, and looking a perfect gentleman, except +that his face was rather yellow. Carrie, by way of encouragement +said: “You do look nice, Lupin.” Lupin replied: “Yes, +it’s a good make-up, isn’t it? A regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior-clerk.” +He laughed rather ironically.</p> +<p>In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah +to fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage, and found +Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat. I said: +“Lupin, my boy, what are you doing? How wicked of you! +Some poor fellow would be glad to have it.” Lupin replied: +“I would not insult any poor fellow by giving it to him.”</p> +<p>When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw inside +“Posh’s Patent.” Poor Lupin! I can forgive +him. It seemed hours before we reached the office. Mr. Perkupp +sent for Lupin, who was with him nearly an hour. He returned, +as I thought, crestfallen in appearance. I said: “Well, +Lupin, how about Mr. Perkupp?” Lupin commenced his song: +“What’s the matter with Perkupp? He’s all right!” +I felt instinctively my boy was engaged. I went to Mr. Perkupp, +but I could not speak. He said: “Well, Mr. Pooter, what +is it?” I must have looked a fool, for all I could say was: +“Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man.” He looked at me +for a moment, and said: “No, Mr. Pooter, <i>you</i> are the good +man; and we’ll see if we cannot get your son to follow such an +excellent example.” I said: “Mr. Perkupp, may I go +home? I cannot work any more to-day.”</p> +<p>My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head. +It was as much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the ’bus; +in fact, I should have done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted +by Lupin, who was having a quarrel with a fat man in the ’bus, +whom he accused of taking up too much room.</p> +<p>In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and +his wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the fire, and in +a bottle of “Jackson Frères,” which Sarah fetched +from the grocer’s, drank Lupin’s health. I lay awake +for hours, thinking of the future. My boy in the same office as +myself—we can go down together by the ’bus, come home together, +and who knows but in the course of time he may take great interest in +our little home. That he may help me to put a nail in here or +a nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture. In +the summer he may help us in our little garden with the flowers, and +assist us to paint the stands and pots. (By-the-by, I must get +in some more enamel paint.) All this I thought over and over again, +and a thousand happy thoughts beside. I heard the clock strike +four, and soon after fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people—Lupin, +dear Carrie, and myself.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XVIII</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, +where I am let in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by +a cabman. An odd invitation to Southend.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>April 8.—No events of any importance, except that Gowing strongly +recommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me nine-and-sixpence, +and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. It has +caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. The ink +oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the office +when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the ink +down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: “Stop that +knocking! I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?” That young +monkey, Pitt, took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly: “No, +sir; I beg pardon, it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going +on all the morning.” To make matters worse, I saw Lupin +laughing behind his desk. I thought it wiser to say nothing. +I took the pen back to the shop and asked them if they would take it +back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full price returned, +but was willing to take half. The man said he could not do that—buying +and selling were two different things. Lupin’s conduct during +the period he has been in Mr. Perkupp’s office has been most exemplary. +My only fear is, it is too good to last.</p> +<p>April 9.—Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for +Carrie and myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which +he thought would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir +William Grime) had promised his patronage. We accepted of his +kindness, and he stayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for +trying a bottle of the sparkling Algéra that Mr. James (of Sutton) +had sent as a present. Gowing sipped the wine, observing that +he had never tasted it before, and further remarked that his policy +was to stick to more recognised brands. I told him it was a present +from a dear friend, and one mustn’t look a gift-horse in the mouth. +Gowing facetiously replied: “And he didn’t like putting +it in the mouth either.”</p> +<p>I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting +it myself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for them. +The sparkling Algéra is very like cider, only more sour. +I suggested that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid. +He merely replied: “Oh! I don’t think so.” We +had a very pleasant game of cards, though I lost four shillings and +Carrie lost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence: how he +could have lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only other players, +remains a mystery.</p> +<p>April 14, Sunday.—Owing, I presume, to the unsettled weather, +I awoke with a feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight +as a drum. Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, +members of our congregation who had walked back with us, I was much +annoyed to find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path, +evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who, whenever +we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside their conservatory, +tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and imitating birds.</p> +<p>April 15.—Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce, +through that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting +it on the table.</p> +<p>April 16.—The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball. +On my advice, Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful +in at the Mansion House, for it had occurred to me, being a military +ball, that Mr. Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary +Artillery Company, would in all probability be present. Lupin, +in his usual incomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard it +was a “bounders’ ball.” I didn’t ask him +what he meant though I didn’t understand. Where he gets +these expressions from I don’t know; he certainly doesn’t +learn them at home.</p> +<p>The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived +an hour later we should be in good time, without being “unfashionable,” +as Mrs. James says. It was very difficult to find—the cabman +having to get down several times to inquire at different public-houses +where the Drill Hall was. I wonder at people living in such out-of-the-way +places. No one seemed to know it. However, after going up +and down a good many badly-lighted streets we arrived at our destination. +I had no idea it was so far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five +shillings, who only grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, +and was impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball +to take a ’bus.</p> +<p>Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that +it was better late than never. He seemed a very good-looking gentleman +though, as Carrie remarked, “rather short for an officer.” +He begged to be excused for leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, +and hoped we should make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm +and we walked round the rooms two or three times and watched the people +dancing. I couldn’t find a single person I knew, but attributed +it to most of them being in uniform. As we were entering the supper-room +I received a slap on the shoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the +hand. I said: “Mr. Padge, I believe;” he replied, +“That’s right.”</p> +<p>I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made herself +at home with Carrie at once.</p> +<p>There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne, +claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless +of expense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular +liking for, but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that I +asked him to sit at our table, and I must say that for a short fat man +he looked well in uniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy +in the back. It was the only supper-room that I have been in that +was not over-crowded; in fact we were the only people there, everybody +being so busy dancing.</p> +<p>I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said her +name was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the bottle +to Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying: “You must look after yourself.” +He replied: “That’s right,” and poured out half a +tumbler and drank Carrie’s health, coupled, as he said, “with +her worthy lord and master.” We all had some splendid pigeon +pie, and ices to follow.</p> +<p>The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like some +more wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also +some people who had just come from the dancing-room, who were very civil. +It occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew +me in the City, as they were so polite. I made myself useful, +and assisted several ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that +“There is nothing lost by civility.”</p> +<p>The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball-room. +The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing, +and as I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge offered his arms +to them and escorted them to the ball-room, telling me to follow. +I said to Mr. Padge: “It is quite a West End affair,” to +which remark Mr. Padge replied: “That’s right.”</p> +<p>When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter +who had been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on +the shoulder. I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball +to expect a tip, but nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been very +attentive. He smilingly replied: “I beg your pardon, sir, +this is no good,” alluding to the shilling. “Your +party’s had four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s., three +bottles of champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny +cigar for the stout gentleman—in all £3 0s. 6d.!”</p> +<p>I don’t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only +sufficient breath to inform him that I had received a private invitation, +to which he answered that he was perfectly well aware of that; but that +the invitation didn’t include eatables and drinkables. A +gentleman who was standing at the bar corroborated the waiter’s +statement, and assured me it was quite correct.</p> +<p>The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any misapprehension; +but it was not his fault. Of course there was nothing to be done +but to pay. So, after turning out my pockets, I just managed to +scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but the manager, on my +giving my card to him, said: “That’s all right.”</p> +<p>I don’t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I +determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would entirely +destroy the pleasant evening she was enjoying. I felt there was +no more enjoyment for me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie +and Mrs. Lupkin. Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. +Lupkin, as we were wishing her “Good-night,” asked Carrie +and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend? On my replying +that I hadn’t been there for many years, she very kindly said: +“Well, why don’t you come down and stay at our place?” +As her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carrie wished +to go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay +till Monday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow, +giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.</p> +<p>When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that the +roads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty +in getting a cabman to take us to Holloway. After waiting a bit, +a man said he would drive us, anyhow, as far as “The Angel,” +at Islington, and we could easily get another cab from there. +It was a tedious journey; the rain was beating against the windows and +trickling down the inside of the cab.</p> +<p>When we arrived at “The Angel” the horse seemed tired +out. Carrie got out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to +pay, to my absolute horror I remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie. +I explained to the cabman how we were situated. Never in my life +have I ever been so insulted; the cabman, who was a rough bully and +to my thinking not sober, called me every name he could lay his tongue +to, and positively seized me by the beard, which he pulled till the +tears came into my eyes. I took the number of a policeman (who +witnessed the assault) for not taking the man in charge. The policeman +said he couldn’t interfere, that he had seen no assault, and that +people should not ride in cabs without money.</p> +<p>We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when +I got in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word for +word, as I intend writing to the <i>Telegraph</i> for the purpose of +proposing that cabs should be driven only by men under Government control, +to prevent civilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage +that I had had to endure.</p> +<p>April 17.—No water in our cistern again. Sent for Putley, +who said he would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc.</p> +<p>April 18.—Water all right again in the cistern. Mrs. +James, of Sutton, called in the afternoon. She and Carrie draped +the mantelpiece in the drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs +and beetles all over it, as Mrs. James says it’s quite the fashion. +It was Mrs. James’ suggestion, and of course Carrie always does +what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece +as it was; but there, I’m a plain man, and don’t pretend +to be in the fashion.</p> +<p>April 19.—Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and +in a rather offensive tone accused me, or “someone,” of +boring a hole in his cistern and letting out his water to supply our +cistern, which adjoined his. He said he should have his repaired, +and send us in the bill.</p> +<p>April 20.—Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying +he had been on his back for a week. It appears he was trying to +shut his bedroom door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase, +and unknown to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had +got between the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the +door hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his hands, +and he fell backwards downstairs.</p> +<p>On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed +out of the room sideways. Cummings looked very indignant, and +remarked it was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and though +I had my suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured Cummings that +he had only run out to open the door to a friend he expected. +Cummings said this was the second time he had been laid up, and we had +never sent to inquire. I said I knew nothing about it. Cummings +said: “It was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle News</i>.”</p> +<p>April 22.—I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing +her nails a good deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she +was doing, she replied: “Oh, I’m going in for manicuring. +It’s all the fashion now.” I said: “I suppose +Mrs. James introduced that into your head.” Carrie laughingly +replied: “Yes; but everyone does it now.”</p> +<p>I wish Mrs. James wouldn’t come to the house. Whenever +she does she always introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie’s +head. One of these days I feel sure I shall tell her she’s +not welcome. I am sure it was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to +writing on dark slate-coloured paper with white ink. Nonsense!</p> +<p>April 23.—Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, +telling us the train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep +our promise to stay with her. The letter concluded: “You +must come and stay at our house; we shall charge you half what you will +have to pay at the Royal, and the view is every bit as good.” +Looking at the address at the top of the note-paper, I found it was +“Lupkin’s Family and Commercial Hotel.”</p> +<p>I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to “decline her kind +invitation.” Carrie thought this very satirical, and to +the point.</p> +<p>By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night. +I ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards’, and +chose the pattern by gaslight, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt +mixture with white stripes down. They came home this morning, +and, to my horror, I found it was quite a flash-looking suit. +There was a lot of green with bright yellow-coloured stripes.</p> +<p>I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling. +She said: “What mixture did you say you asked for?”</p> +<p>I said: “A quiet pepper and salt.”</p> +<p>Carrie said: “Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want +to know the truth.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XIX</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow. We have a pleasant +and quiet dinner at his uncle’s, marred only by a few awkward +mistakes on my part respecting Mr. Finsworth’s pictures. +A discussion on dreams.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>April 27.—Kept a little later than usual at the office, and +as I was hurrying along a man stopped me, saying: “Hulloh! +That’s a face I know.” I replied politely: “Very +likely; lots of people know me, although I may not know them.” +He replied: “But you know me—Teddy Finsworth.” +So it was. He was at the same school with me. I had not +seen him for years and years. No wonder I did not know him! +At school he was at least a head taller than I was; now I am at least +a head taller than he is, and he has a thick beard, almost grey. +He insisted on my having a glass of wine (a thing I never do), and told +me he lived at Middlesboro’, where he was Deputy Town Clerk, a +position which was as high as the Town Clerk of London—in fact, +higher. He added that he was staying for a few days in London, +with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul Finsworth (of Finsworth and Pultwell). +He said he was sure his uncle would be only too pleased to see me, and +he had a nice house, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes’ walk from +Muswell Hill Station. I gave him our address, and we parted.</p> +<p>In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter +from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would dine with +them to-morrow (Sunday), at two o’clock, he would be delighted. +Carrie did not like to go; but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much we +consented. Carrie sent Sarah round to the butcher’s and +countermanded our half-leg of mutton, which we had ordered for to-morrow.</p> +<p>April 28, Sunday.—We found Watney Lodge farther off than we +anticipated, and only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling +hot and uncomfortable. To make matters worse, a large collie dog +pounced forward to receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up +at Carrie, covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the first +time, with mud. Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dog off +and apologised. We were shown into the drawing-room, which was +beautifully decorated. It was full of knick-knacks, and some plates +hung up on the wall. There were several little wooden milk-stools +with paintings on them; also a white wooden banjo, painted by one of +Mr. Paul Finsworth’s nieces—a cousin of Teddy’s.</p> +<p>Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking elderly gentleman, +and was most gallant to Carrie. There were a great many water-colours +hanging on the walls, mostly different views of India, which were very +bright. Mr. Finsworth said they were painted by “Simpz,” +and added that he was no judge of pictures himself but had been informed +on good authority that they were worth some hundreds of pounds, although +he had only paid a few shillings apiece for them, frames included, at +a sale in the neighbourhood.</p> +<p>There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done in +coloured crayons. It looked like a religious subject. I +was very much struck with the lace collar, it looked so real, but I +unfortunately made the remark that there was something about the expression +of the face that was not quite pleasing. It looked pinched. +Mr. Finsworth sorrowfully replied: “Yes, the face was done after +death—my wife’s sister.”</p> +<p>I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper +said I hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We both stood looking +at the picture for a few minutes in silence, when Mr. Finsworth took +out a handkerchief and said: “She was sitting in our garden last +summer,” and blew his nose violently. He seemed quite affected, +so I turned to look at something else and stood in front of a portrait +of a jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face and straw +hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth: “Who is this jovial-looking +gentleman? Life doesn’t seem to trouble him much.” +Mr. Finsworth said: “No, it doesn’t. <i>He is dead +too</i>—my brother.”</p> +<p>I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness. Fortunately +at this moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken her +upstairs to take off her bonnet and brush her skirt. Teddy said: +“Short is late,” but at that moment the gentleman referred +to arrived, and I was introduced to him by Teddy, who said: “Do +you know Mr. Short?” I replied, smiling, that I had not +that pleasure, but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr. <i>Short</i>. +He evidently did not see my little joke, although I repeated it twice +with a little laugh. I suddenly remembered it was Sunday, and +Mr. Short was perhaps <i>very particular</i>. In this I was mistaken, +for he was not at all particular in several of his remarks after dinner. +In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations that I took the +opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I feared she found Mr. Short +occasionally a little embarrassing. To my surprise she said: “Oh! +he is privileged you know.” I did not know as a matter of +fact, and so I bowed apologetically. I fail to see why Mr. Short +should be privileged.</p> +<p>Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog, +which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining-room +table. It kept growling and snapping at my boots every time I +moved my foot. Feeling nervous rather, I spoke to Mrs. Finsworth +about the animal, and she remarked: “It is only his play.” +She jumped up and let in a frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, +which had been scratching at the door. This dog also seemed to +take a fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it had licked +off every bit of blacking from them. I was positively ashamed +of being seen in them. Mrs. Finsworth, who, I must say, is not +much of a Job’s comforter, said: “Oh! we are used to Bibbs +doing that to our visitors.”</p> +<p>Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether +it is a good thing to take on the top of beer. It made me feel +a little sleepy, while it had the effect of inducing Mr. Short to become +“privileged” to rather an alarming extent. It being +cold even for April, there was a fire in the drawing-room; we sat round +in easy-chairs, and Teddy and I waxed rather eloquent over the old school +days, which had the effect of sending all the others to sleep. +I was delighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned, that it did have +that effect on him.</p> +<p>We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for the +fact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my boots. +Polished them myself when I got home. Went to church in the evening, +and could scarcely keep awake. I will not take port on the top +of beer again.</p> +<p>April 29.—I am getting quite accustomed to being snubbed by +Lupin, and I do not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she +has a certain amount of right to do so; but I do think it hard to be +at once snubbed by wife, son, and both my guests.</p> +<p>Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I suddenly +remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago, and I thought +I would tell them about it. I dreamt I saw some huge blocks of +ice in a shop with a bright glare behind them. I walked into the +shop and the heat was overpowering. I found that the blocks of +ice were on fire. The whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural +I woke up in a cold perspiration. Lupin in a most contemptuous +manner, said: “What utter rot.”</p> +<p>Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completely +uninteresting as other people’s dreams.</p> +<p>I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with the +others and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said: “It +seemed so real to me.” Gowing replied: “Yes, to <i>you</i> +perhaps, but not to <i>us</i>.” Whereupon they all roared.</p> +<p>Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: “He tells me his +stupid dreams every morning nearly.” I replied: “Very +well, dear, I promise you I will never tell you or anybody else another +dream of mine the longest day I live.” Lupin said: “Hear! +hear!” and helped himself to another glass of beer. The +subject was fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting +article on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XX</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Dinner at Franching’s to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>May 10.—Received a letter from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking +us to dine with him to-night, at seven o’clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur +Huttle, a very clever writer for the American papers. Franching +apologised for the short notice; but said he had at the last moment +been disappointed of two of his guests and regarded us as old friends +who would not mind filling up the gap. Carrie rather demurred +at the invitation; but I explained to her that Franching was very well +off and influential, and we could not afford to offend him. “And +we are sure to get a good dinner and a good glass of champagne.” +“Which never agrees with you!” Carrie replied, sharply. +I regarded Carrie’s observation as unsaid. Mr. Franching +asked us to wire a reply. As he had said nothing about dress in +the letter, I wired back: “With pleasure. Is it full dress?” +and by leaving out our name, just got the message within the sixpence.</p> +<p>Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a telegram +instructing us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching’s +house; but she would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her. +What a long journey it is from Holloway to Peckham! Why do people +live such a long way off? Having to change ’buses, I allowed +plenty of time—in fact, too much; for we arrived at twenty minutes +to seven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up +to dress. However, he was down as the clock struck seven; he must +have dressed very quickly.</p> +<p>I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did +not know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells. +Franching had got a professional waiter, and evidently spared no expense. +There were flowers on the table round some fairy-lamps and the effect, +I must say, was exquisite. The wine was good and there was plenty +of champagne, concerning which Franching said he himself, never wished +to taste better. We were ten in number, and a <i>menû</i> +card to each. One lady said she always preserved the <i>menû</i> +and got the guests to write their names on the back.</p> +<p>We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was of +course the important guest.</p> +<p>The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur Huttle, +Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. Purdick, Mr. +Pratt, Mr. R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pooter. +Franching said he was sorry he had no lady for me to take in to dinner. +I replied that I preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a very +uncomplimentary observation to make.</p> +<p>I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner. She seemed a well-informed +lady, but was very deaf. It did not much matter, for Mr. Hardfur +Huttle did all the talking. He is a marvellously intellectual +man and says things which from other people would seem quite alarming. +How I wish I could remember even a quarter of his brilliant conversation. +I made a few little reminding notes on the <i>menû</i> card.</p> +<p>One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful—though +not to my way of thinking of course. Mrs. Purdick happened to +say “You are certainly unorthodox, Mr. Huttle.” Mr. +Huttle, with a peculiar expression (I can see it now) said in a slow +rich voice: “Mrs. Purdick, ‘orthodox’ is a grandiloquent +word implying sticking-in-the-mud. If Columbus and Stephenson +had been orthodox, there would neither have been the discovery of America +nor the steam-engine.” There was quite a silence. +It appeared to me that such teaching was absolutely dangerous, and yet +I felt—in fact we must all have felt—there was no answer +to the argument. A little later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching’s +sister and also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttle +said: “Why, ladies, do you deprive us of your company so soon? +Why not wait while we have our cigars?”</p> +<p>The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie) were +in no way inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle’s fascinating +society, and immediately resumed their seats, amid much laughter and +a little chaff. Mr. Huttle said: “Well, that’s a real +good sign; you shall not be insulted by being called orthodox any longer.” +Mrs. Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said: +“Mr. Huttle, we will meet you half-way—that is, till you +get half-way through your cigar. That, at all events, will be +the happy medium.”</p> +<p>I shall never forget the effect the words, “happy medium,” +had upon him. He was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation +of the words. He positively alarmed me. He said something +like the following: “Happy medium, indeed. Do you know ‘happy +medium’ are two words which mean ‘miserable mediocrity’? +I say, go first class or third; marry a duchess or her kitchenmaid. +The happy medium means respectability, and respectability means insipidness. +Does it not, Mr. Pooter?”</p> +<p>I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I could +only bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not competent to offer +an opinion. Carrie was about to say something; but she was interrupted, +for which I was rather pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and +one has to be extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. +Huttle.</p> +<p>He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcome opinions +positively convincing: “The happy medium is nothing more or less +than a vulgar half-measure. A man who loves champagne and, finding +a pint too little, fears to face a whole bottle and has recourse to +an imperial pint, will never build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. +No, he is half-hearted, he is a half-measure—respectable—in +fact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of his days in a suburban +villa with a stucco-column portico, resembling a four-post bedstead.”</p> +<p>We all laughed.</p> +<p>“That sort of thing,” continued Mr. Huttle, “belongs +to a soft man, with a soft beard with a soft head, with a made tie that +hooks on.”</p> +<p>This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking in +the glass of the cheffonière; for <i>I</i> had on a tie that +hooked on—and why not? If these remarks were not personal +they were rather careless, and so were some of his subsequent observations, +which must have made both Mr. Franching and his guests rather uncomfortable. +I don’t think Mr. Huttle meant to be personal, for he added; “We +don’t know that class here in this country: but we do in America, +and I’ve no use for them.”</p> +<p>Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passed +round the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but continued as if +he were giving a lecture:</p> +<p>“What we want in America is your homes. We live on wheels. +Your simple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, are charming. +No display, no pretension! You make no difference in your dinner, +I dare say, when you sit down by yourself and when you invite us. +You have your own personal attendant—no hired waiter to breathe +on the back of your head.”</p> +<p>I saw Franching palpably wince at this.</p> +<p>Mr. Huttle continued: “Just a small dinner with a few good +things, such as you have this evening. You don’t insult +your guests by sending to the grocer for champagne at six shillings +a bottle.”</p> +<p>I could not help thinking of “Jackson Frères” +at three-and-six!</p> +<p>“In fact,” said Mr. Huttle, “a man is little less +than a murderer who does. That is the province of the milksop, +who wastes his evening at home playing dominoes with his wife. +I’ve heard of these people. We don’t want them at +this table. Our party is well selected. We’ve no use +for deaf old women, who cannot follow intellectual conversation.”</p> +<p>All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being deaf, +did not hear his remarks; but continued smiling approval.</p> +<p>“We have no representative at Mr. Franching’s table,” +said Mr. Huttle, “of the unenlightened frivolous matron, who goes +to a second class dance at Bayswater and fancies she is in Society. +Society does not know her; it has no use for her.”</p> +<p>Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was afforded for +the ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching quietly to excuse me, +as I did not wish to miss the last train, which we very nearly did, +by-the-by, through Carrie having mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap +which she wears when we go out.</p> +<p>It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering the +sitting-room I said: “Carrie, what do you think of Mr. Hardfur +Huttle?” She simply answered: “How like Lupin!” +The same idea occurred to me in the train. The comparison kept +me awake half the night. Mr. Huttle was, of course, an older and +more influential man; but he <i>was</i> like Lupin, and it made me think +how dangerous Lupin would be if he were older and more influential. +I feel proud to think Lupin <i>does</i> resemble Mr. Huttle in some +ways. Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes wonderful +ideas; but it is those ideas that are so dangerous. They make +men extremely rich or extremely poor. They make or break men. +I always feel people are happier who live a simple unsophisticated life. +I believe <i>I</i> am happy because I am not ambitious. Somehow +I feel that Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp, has become content +to settle down and follow the footsteps of his father. This is +a comfort.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XXI</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Lupin is discharged. We are in great trouble. Lupin gets +engaged elsewhere at a handsome salary.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>May 13.—A terrible misfortune has happened: Lupin is discharged +from Mr. Perkupp’s office; and I scarcely know how I am writing +my diary. I was away from office last Sat., the first time I have +been absent through illness for twenty years. I believe I was +poisoned by some lobster. Mr. Perkupp was also absent, as Fate +would have it; and our most valued customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went to +the office in a rage, and withdrew his custom. My boy Lupin not +only had the assurance to receive him, but recommended him the firm +of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited. In my own humble judgment, +and though I have to say it against my own son, this seems an act of +treachery.</p> +<p>This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me that Lupin’s +services are no longer required, and an interview with me is desired +at eleven o’clock. I went down to the office with an aching +heart, dreading an interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never +had a word. I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning. He had +not got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie said I should +do no good by disturbing him. My mind wandered so at the office +that I could not do my work properly.</p> +<p>As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the following conversation +ensued as nearly as I can remember it.</p> +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “Good-morning, Mr. Pooter! This is +a very serious business. I am not referring so much to the dismissal +of your son, for I knew we should have to part sooner or later. +<i>I</i> am the head of this old, influential, and much-respected firm; +and when <i>I</i> consider the time has come to revolutionise the business, +<i>I</i> will do it myself.”</p> +<p>I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: “I +hope, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way countenanced my +son’s unwarrantable interference?” Mr. Perkupp rose +from his seat and took my hand, and said: “Mr. Pooter, I would +as soon suspect myself as suspect you.” I was so agitated +that in the confusion, to show my gratitude I very nearly called him +a “grand old man.”</p> +<p>Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a “grand +old master.” I was so unaccountable for my actions that +I sat down, leaving him standing. Of course, I at once rose, but +Mr. Perkupp bade me sit down, which I was very pleased to do. +Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said: “You will understand, Mr. Pooter, +that the high-standing nature of our firm will not admit of our bending +to anybody. If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to put his work into other +hands—I may add, less experienced hands—it is not for us +to bend and beg back his custom.” “You <i>shall</i> +not do it, sir,” I said with indignation. “Exactly,” +replied Mr. Perkupp; “I shall <i>not</i> do it. But I was +thinking this, Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon is our most valued client, +and I will even confess—for I know this will not go beyond ourselves—that +we cannot afford very well to lose him, especially in these times, which +are not of the brightest. Now, I fancy you can be of service.”</p> +<p>I replied: “Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve +you!”</p> +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “I know you will. Now, what I should +like you to do is this. You yourself might write to Mr. Crowbillon—you +must not, of course, lead him to suppose I know anything about your +doing so—and explain to him that your son was only taken on as +a clerk—quite an inexperienced one in fact—out of the respect +the firm had for you, Mr. Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. +I don’t suggest that you should speak in too strong terms of your +own son’s conduct; but I may add, that had he been a son of mine, +I should have condemned his interference with no measured terms. +That I leave to you. I think the result will be that Mr. Crowbillon +will see the force of the foolish step he has taken, and our firm will +neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket.”</p> +<p>I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp is. +His manners and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with respect.</p> +<p>I said: “Would you like to see the letter before I send it?”</p> +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh no! I had better not. I am +supposed to know nothing about it, and I have every confidence in you. +You must write the letter carefully. We are not very busy; you +had better take the morning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. +I shall be here myself all day to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case +Mr. Crowbillon should call.”</p> +<p>I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that +I could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact anybody, if they +called in the evening. Lupin came into the parlour for a moment +with a new hat on, and asked my opinion of it. I said I was not +in the mood to judge of hats, and I did not think he was in a position +to buy a new one. Lupin replied carelessly: “I didn’t +buy it; it was a present.”</p> +<p>I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like +to ask him questions, as I dread the answers so. He, however, +saved me the trouble.</p> +<p>He said: “I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite +think a friend at the time; but it’s all right. As he wisely +said, ‘all is fair in love and war,’ and there was no reason +why we should not be friends still. He’s a jolly, good, +all-round sort of fellow, and a very different stamp from that inflated +fool of a Perkupp.”</p> +<p>I said: “Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult to injury.”</p> +<p>Lupin said: “What do you mean by injury? I repeat, I +have done no injury. Crowbillon is simply tired of a stagnant +stick-in-the-mud firm, and made the change on his own account. +I simply recommended the new firm as a matter of biz—good old +biz!”</p> +<p>I said quietly: “I don’t understand your slang, and at +my time of life have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my boy, let us +change the subject. I will, if it please you, <i>try</i> and be +interested in your new hat adventure.”</p> +<p>Lupin said: “Oh! there’s nothing much about it, except +I have not once seen him since his marriage, and he said he was very +pleased to see me, and hoped we should be friends. I stood a drink +to cement the friendship, and he stood me a new hat—one of his +own.”</p> +<p>I said rather wearily: “But you have not told me your old friend’s +name?”</p> +<p>Lupin said, with affected carelessness: “Oh didn’t I? +Well, I will. It was <i>Murray Posh</i>.”</p> +<p>May 14.—Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all the +morning, asked the reason of it. Carrie and I both agreed it was +better to say nothing to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded +the question.</p> +<p>Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh in +the City. I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with a berth. +Lupin went out laughing, saying: “I don’t mind <i>wearing</i> +Posh’s one-priced hats, but I am not going to <i>sell</i> them.” +Poor boy, I fear he is perfectly hopeless.</p> +<p>It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. Crowbillon. +Once or twice I asked Carrie for suggestions; and although it seems +ungrateful, her suggestions were none of them to the point, while one +or two were absolutely idiotic. Of course I did not tell her so. +I got the letter off, and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp +to see, but he again repeated that he could trust me.</p> +<p>Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him about +Lupin and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined to +side with Lupin. Carrie joined in, and said she thought I was +taking much too melancholy a view of it. Gowing produced a pint +sample-bottle of Madeira, which had been given him, which he said would +get rid of the blues. I dare say it would have done so if there +had been more of it; but as Gowing helped himself to three glasses, +it did not leave much for Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with.</p> +<p>May 15.—A day of great anxiety, for I expected every moment +a letter from Mr. Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening—one +for me, with “Crowbillon Hall” printed in large gold-and-red +letters on the back of the envelope; the other for Lupin, which I felt +inclined to open and read, as it had “Gylterson, Sons, and Co. +Limited,” which was the recommended firm. I trembled as +I opened Mr. Crowbillon’s letter. I wrote him sixteen pages, +closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen lines.</p> +<p>His letter was: “Sir,—I totally disagree with you. +Your son, in the course of five minutes’ conversation, displayed +more intelligence than your firm has done during the last five years.—Yours +faithfully, Gilbert E. Gillam O. Crowbillon.”</p> +<p>What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr. +Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin for anything. The crisis +had yet to come; for Lupin arrived, and, opening his letter, showed +a cheque for £25 as a commission for the recommendation of Mr. +Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. Perkupp is evidently lost for ever. +Cummings and Gowing both called, and both took Lupin’s part. +Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would make a name yet. +I suppose I was melancholy, for I could only ask: “Yes, but what +sort of a name?”</p> +<p>May 16.—I told Mr. Perkupp the contents of the letter in a +modified form, but Mr. Perkupp said: “Pray don’t discuss +the matter; it is at an end. Your son will bring his punishment +upon himself.” I went home in the evening, thinking of the +hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in most extravagant spirits +and in evening dress. He threw a letter on the table for me to +read.</p> +<p>To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely engaged +Lupin at a salary of £200 a year, with other advantages. +I read the letter through three times and thought it must have been +for me. But there it was—Lupin Pooter—plain enough. +I was silent. Lupin said: “What price Perkupp now? +You take my tip, Guv.—‘off’ with Perkupp and freeze +on to Gylterson, the firm of the future! Perkupp’s firm? +The stagnant dummies have been standing still for years, and now are +moving back. I want to go on. In fact I must go <i>off</i>, +as I am dining with the Murray Poshs to-night.”</p> +<p>In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his stick, gave +a loud war “Whoo-oop,” jumped over a chair, and took the +liberty of rumpling my hair all over my forehead, and bounced out of +the room, giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and the respect +which was due to his parent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening, +and positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting Lupin.</p> +<p>Gowing said: “I always said he would get on, and, take my word, +he has more in his head than we three put together.”</p> +<p>Carrie said: “He is a second Hardfur Huttle.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XXII</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs. James (of Sutton) visits +us again and introduces “Spiritual Séances.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>May 26, Sunday.—We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea +with Mr. and Mrs. James. I had no appetite, having dined well +at two, and the entire evening was spoiled by little Percy—their +only son—who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child.</p> +<p>Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my shins. +He hurt me once so much that the tears came into my eyes. I gently +remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said: “Please don’t +scold him; I do not believe in being too severe with young children. +You spoil their character.”</p> +<p>Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried +to pacify him, he slapped her face.</p> +<p>I was so annoyed, I said: “That is not my idea of bringing +up children, Mrs. James.”</p> +<p>Mrs. James said. “People have different ideas of bringing +up children—even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection.”</p> +<p>A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his lap. +The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. Mezzini, saying: +“I don’t like you—you’ve got a dirty face.”</p> +<p>A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by the wrist +and said: “Come here, dear, and listen to this.”</p> +<p>He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch strike +six.</p> +<p>To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it +down upon the ground like one would a ball.</p> +<p>Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get +a new glass put in, and did not suppose the works were damaged.</p> +<p>To show you how people’s opinions differ, Carrie said the child +was bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it +was—in her mind—an unquestionably beautiful child.</p> +<p>I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier child +myself. That is <i>my</i> opinion.</p> +<p>May 30.—I don’t know why it is, but I never anticipate +with any pleasure the visits to our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton. +She is coming again to stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this +morning, as I was leaving: “I wish, dear Carrie, I could like +Mrs. James better than I do.”</p> +<p>Carrie said: “So do I, dear; but as for years I have had to +put up with Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who is kind +but most uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won’t mind the occasional +visits of Mrs. James, who has more intellect in her little finger than +both your friends have in their entire bodies.”</p> +<p>I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear old +friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the ’bus coming, +I left with a hurried kiss—a little too hurried, perhaps, for +my upper lip came in contact with Carrie’s teeth and slightly +cut it. It was quite painful for an hour afterwards. When +I came home in the evening I found Carrie buried in a book on Spiritualism, +called <i>There is no Birth</i>, by Florence Singleyet. I need +scarcely say the book was sent her to read by Mrs. James, of Sutton. +As she had not a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of the +evening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning to show signs +of wear at the edges.</p> +<p>Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the entire +management of everything. Finding that she and Carrie were making +some preparations for table-turning, I thought it time really to put +my foot down. I have always had the greatest contempt for such +nonsense, and put an end to it years ago when Carrie, at our old house, +used to have séances every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who +is now dead). If I could see any use in it, I would not care. +As I stopped it in the days gone by, I determined to do so now.</p> +<p>I said: “I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally disapprove +of it, apart from the fact that I receive my old friends on this evening.”</p> +<p>Mrs. James said: “Do you mean to say you haven’t read +<i>There is no Birth</i>?” I said: “No, and I have +no intention of doing so.” Mrs. James seemed surprised and +said: “All the world is going mad over the book.” +I responded rather cleverly: “Let it. There will be one +sane man in it, at all events.”</p> +<p>Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people were +all as prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the electric +telegraph or the telephone.</p> +<p>I said that was quite a different thing.</p> +<p>Mrs. James said sharply: “In what way, pray—in what way?”</p> +<p>I said: “In many ways.”</p> +<p>Mrs. James said: “Well, mention <i>one</i> way.”</p> +<p>I replied quietly: “Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to discuss +the matter. I am not interested in it.”</p> +<p>Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, for +which I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this foolish +table-turning. But I was entirely mistaken; for, on the subject +being opened again, Cummings said he was most interested in Spiritualism, +although he was bound to confess he did not believe much in it; still, +he was willing to be convinced.</p> +<p>I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my +presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in the parlour +at a small round table which they had taken out of the drawing-room. +I walked into the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little +stroll. As I opened the door, who should come in but Gowing!</p> +<p>On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join the +circle and he would go into a trance. He added that he <i>knew</i> +a few things about old Cummings, and would <i>invent</i> a few about +Mrs. James. Knowing how dangerous Gowing is, I declined to let +him take part in any such foolish performance. Sarah asked me +if she could go out for half an hour, and I gave her permission, thinking +it would be more comfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than +in the cold drawing-room. We talked a good deal about Lupin and +Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, with whom he is as usual spending the evening. +Gowing said: “I say, it wouldn’t be a bad thing for Lupin +if old Posh kicked the bucket.”</p> +<p>My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very sternly +for joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the night thinking +of it—the other hall was spent in nightmares on the same subject.</p> +<p>May 31.—I wrote a stern letter to the laundress. I was +rather pleased with the letter, for I thought it very satirical. +I said: “You have returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. +Perhaps you will return either the colour or the value of the handkerchiefs.” +I shall be rather curious to know what she will have to say.</p> +<p>More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said last night was +in a measure successful, and they ought to sit again. Cummings +came in, and seemed interested. I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room, +got the steps, and repaired the cornice, which has been a bit of an +eyesore to me. In a fit of unthinkingness—if I may use such +an expression,—I gave the floor over the parlour, where the séance +was taking place, two loud raps with the hammer. I felt sorry +afterwards, for it was the sort of ridiculous, foolhardy thing that +Gowing or Lupin would have done.</p> +<p>However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that +a message came through the table to her of a wonderful description, +concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quite +unknown to the others.</p> +<p>When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit to-morrow +night, to oblige her. She said it seemed rather unkind and unsociable +on my part. I promised I would sit once.</p> +<p>June 1.—I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and +I am bound to admit some curious things happened. I contend they +were coincidences, but they were curious. For instance, the table +kept tilting towards me, which Carrie construed as a desire that I should +ask the spirit a question. I obeyed the rules, and I asked the +spirit (who said her name was Lina) if she could tell me the name of +an old aunt of whom I was thinking, and whom we used to call Aunt Maggie. +The table spelled out C A T. We could make nothing out of it, +till I suddenly remembered that her second name was Catherine, which +it was evidently trying to spell. I don’t think even Carrie +knew this. But if she did, she would never cheat. I must +admit it was curious. Several other things happened, and I consented +to sit at another séance on Monday.</p> +<p>June 3.—The laundress called, and said she was very sorry about +the handkerchiefs, and returned ninepence. I said, as the colour +was completely washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence +was not enough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs originally +only cost sixpence, for she remembered bring them at a sale at the Holloway +<i>Bon Marché</i>. In that case, I insisted that threepence +buying should be returned to the laundress. Lupin has gone to +stay with the Poshs for a few days. I must say I feel very uncomfortable +about it. Carrie said I was ridiculous to worry about it. +Mr. Posh was very fond of Lupin, who, after all, was only a mere boy.</p> +<p>In the evening we had another séance, which, in some respects, +was very remarkable, although the first part of it was a little doubtful. +Gowing called, as well as Cummings, and begged to be allowed to join +the circle. I wanted to object, but Mrs. James, who appears a +good Medium (that is, if there is anything in it at all), thought there +might be a little more spirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of +us sat down.</p> +<p>The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get my +hands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began moving +quickly across the room. Gowing shouted out: “Way oh! steady, +lad, steady!” I told Gowing if he could not behave himself +I should light the gas, and put an end to the séance.</p> +<p>To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I hinted +as much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table go right off +the ground. The spirit Lina came again, and said, “WARN” +three or four times, and declined to explain. Mrs. James said +“Lina” was stubborn sometimes. She often behaved like +that, and the best thing to do was to send her away.</p> +<p>She then hit the table sharply, and said: “Go away, Lina; you +are disagreeable. Go away!” I should think we sat +nearly three-quarters of an hour with nothing happening. My hands +felt quite cold, and I suggested we should stop the séance. +Carrie and Mrs. James, as well as Cummings, would not agree to it. +In about ten minutes’ time there was some tilting towards me. +I gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O F. As I have heard +both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could hear Gowing silently +laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the table. He denied +it; but, I regret to say, I did not believe him.</p> +<p>Gowing said: “Perhaps it means ‘Spook,’ a ghost.”</p> +<p>I said: “<i>You</i> know it doesn’t mean anything of +the sort.”</p> +<p>Gowing said: “Oh! very well—I’m sorry I ‘spook,’” +and he rose from the table.</p> +<p>No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James suggested +he should sit out for a while. Gowing consented and sat in the +arm-chair.</p> +<p>The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderful +séance but for Gowing’s stupid interruptions. In +answer to the alphabet from Carrie the table spelt “NIPUL,” +then the “WARN” three times. We could not think what +it meant till Cummings pointed out that “NIPUL” was Lupin +spelled backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie was particularly +excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible was going to happen.</p> +<p>Mrs. James asked if “Lina” was the spirit. The +table replied firmly, “No,” and the spirit would not give +his or her name. We then had the message, “NIPUL will be +very rich.”</p> +<p>Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word “WARN” +was again spelt out. The table then began to oscillate violently, +and in reply to Mrs. James, who spoke very softly to the table, the +spirit began to spell its name. It first spelled “DRINK.”</p> +<p>Gowing here said: “Ah! that’s more in my line.”</p> +<p>I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed.</p> +<p>The table then spelt “WATER.”</p> +<p>Gowing here interrupted again, and said: “Ah! that’s +<i>not</i> in my line. <i>Outside</i> if you like, but not inside.”</p> +<p>Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.</p> +<p>The table then spelt “CAPTAIN,” and Mrs. James startled +us by crying out, “Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my +father’s, who has been dead some years.”</p> +<p>This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that after +all there must be something in Spiritualism.</p> +<p>Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word +“Warn” as applied to “NIPUL.” The alphabet +was given again, and we got the word “BOSH.”</p> +<p>Gowing here muttered: “So it is.”</p> +<p>Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as Captain +Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the word +in answer to a lady’s question. Accordingly the alphabet +was given again.</p> +<p>This time the table spelled distinctly “POSH.” +We all thought of Mrs. Murray Posh and Lupin. Carrie was getting +a little distressed, and as it was getting late we broke up the circle.</p> +<p>We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. James’ +last night in town. We also determined <i>not</i> to have Gowing +present.</p> +<p>Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but +he wished the spirits would say something about him.</p> +<p>June 4.—Quite looking forward to the séance this evening. +Was thinking of it all the day at the office.</p> +<p>Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing entering +without knocking.</p> +<p>He said: “I am not going to stop, but I have brought with me +a sealed envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. Pooter. +In that sealed envelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a +simple question. If the spirits can answer that question, I will +believe in Spiritualism.”</p> +<p>I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.</p> +<p>Mrs. James said: “Oh no! it is of common occurrence for the +spirits to answer questions under such conditions—and even for +them to write on locked slates. It is quite worth trying. +If ‘Lina’ is in a good temper, she is certain to do it.”</p> +<p>Gowing said: “All right; then I shall be a firm believer. +I shall perhaps drop in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result.”</p> +<p>He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to know +something about some undertaking in which he was concerned, but he could +get no answer of any description whatever—at which he said he +was very disappointed and was afraid there was not much in table-turning +after all. I thought this rather selfish of him. The séance +was very similar to the one last night, almost the same in fact. +So we turned to the letter. “Lina” took a long time +answering the question, but eventually spelt out “ROSES, LILIES, +AND COWS.” There was great rocking of the table at this +time, and Mrs. James said: “If that is Captain Drinkwater, let +us ask him the answer as well?”</p> +<p>It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave the +same identical answer: “ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS.”</p> +<p>I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal, +or the disappointment we felt on reading the question, to which the +answer was so inappropriate. The question was, “<i>What’s +old Pooter’s age</i>?”</p> +<p>This quite decided me.</p> +<p>As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I would again.</p> +<p>I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm when +driven to it.</p> +<p>I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: “This is the last of +this nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof. I regret +I permitted myself to be a party to such tomfoolery. If there +is anything in it—which I doubt—it is nothing of any good, +and I <i>won’t have it again</i>. That is enough.”</p> +<p>Mrs. James said: “I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather over-stepping—”</p> +<p>I said: “Hush, madam. I am master of this house—please +understand that.”</p> +<p>Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was mistaken +in. I was in such a rage I could not quite catch what she said. +But if I thought she said what it sounded like, she should never enter +the house again.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER XXIII</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new apartments, and hear some +extraordinary information respecting the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. +Meet Miss Lilian Posh. Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. +Important.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>July 1.—I find, on looking over my diary, nothing of any consequence +has taken place during the last month. To-day we lose Lupin, who +has taken furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. and +Mrs. Murray Posh, at two guineas a week. I think this is most +extravagant of him, as it is half his salary. Lupin says one never +loses by a good address, and, to use his own expression, Brickfield +Terrace is a bit “off.” Whether he means it is “far +off” I do not know. I have long since given up trying to +understand his curious expressions. I said the neighbourhood had +always been good enough for his parents. His reply was: “It +is no question of being good or bad. There is no money in it, +and I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs.”</p> +<p>We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by himself, +and there may be some truth in his remark that an old and a young horse +can’t pull together in the same cart.</p> +<p>Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, and +like old times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he occasionally +suffered from what he could not help—youth.</p> +<p>July 2.—Cummings called, looked very pale, and said he had +been very ill again, and of course not a single friend had been near +him. Carrie said she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw +down a copy of the <i>Bicycle News</i> on the table, with the following +paragraph: “We regret to hear that that favourite old roadster, +Mr. Cummings (‘Long’ Cummings), has met with what might +have been a serious accident in Rye Lane. A mischievous boy threw +a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and the machine +overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily to the ground. +Fortunately he was more frightened than hurt, but we missed his merry +face at the dinner at Chingford, where they turned up in good numbers. +‘Long’ Cummings’ health was proposed by our popular +Vice, Mr. Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein +said it was a case of ‘<i>Cumming</i>(s) thro’ the <i>Rye</i>, +but fortunately there was more <i>wheel</i> than<i> woe</i>,’ +a joke which created roars of laughter.”</p> +<p>We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay to supper. +Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin, and he was +much better away.</p> +<p>July 3, Sunday.—In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the +parlour window, which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with +a gentleman seated by the side of her, stopped at our door. Not +wishing to be seen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back +of it violently against the sharp edge of the window-sash. I was +nearly stunned. There was a loud double-knock at the front door; +Carrie rushed out of the parlour, upstairs to her room, and I followed, +as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp. I thought it was Mr. Franching.—I +whispered to Sarah over the banisters: “Show them into the drawing-room.” +Sarah said, as the shutters were not opened, the room would smell musty. +There was another loud rat-tat. I whispered: “Then show +them into the parlour, and say Mr. Pooter will be down directly.” +I changed my coat, but could not see to do my hair, as Carrie was occupying +the glass.</p> +<p>Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. Lupin.</p> +<p>This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and Lupin +met me with the remark: “I say, what did you run away from the +window for? Did we frighten you?”</p> +<p>I foolishly said: “What window?”</p> +<p>Lupin said: “Oh, you know. Shut it. You looked +as if you were playing at Punch and Judy.”</p> +<p>On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: “Oh, +I think Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can do with a B. and +S.”</p> +<p>I said: “I am afraid we have no soda.”</p> +<p>Lupin said: “Don’t bother about that. You just +trip out and hold the horse; I don’t think Sarah understands it.”</p> +<p>They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin said: +“I want you both to come and dine with me next Wednesday, and +see my new place. Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, Miss Posh (Murray’s +sister) are coming. Eight o’clock sharp. No one else.”</p> +<p>I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would like +the dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got home.</p> +<p>Lupin said: “Rats! You must get used to it. If +it comes to that, Daisy and I can drive you home.”</p> +<p>We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the familiar +way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is reprehensible. +Anybody would think they had been children together. I certainly +should object to a six months’ acquaintance calling <i>my</i> +wife “Carrie,” and driving out with her.</p> +<p>July 4.—Lupin’s rooms looked very nice; but the dinner +was, I thought, a little too grand, especially as he commenced with +champagne straight off. I also think Lupin might have told us +that he and Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put +on full evening dress. Knowing that the dinner was only for us +six, we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair. I had no +appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight before we sat +down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a hearty meal. +I had a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling famished, and +I expect that partly spoiled my appetite.</p> +<p>We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called “Little +Girl,” as if he had known her all his life. She was very +tall, rather plain, and I thought she was a little painted round the +eyes. I hope I am wrong; but she had such fair hair, and yet her +eyebrows were black. She looked about thirty. I did not +like the way she kept giggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching +him. Then her laugh was a sort of a scream that went right through +my ears, all the more irritating because there was nothing to laugh +at. In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with her. +They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including Miss Posh, who startled +Carrie by saying: “Don’t you smoke, dear?” I +answered for Carrie, and said: “Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived +at it yet,” whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs +again.</p> +<p>Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what +I have said before—she does <i>not</i> sing in tune; but Lupin +sat by the side of the piano, gazing into her eyes the whole time. +If I had been Mr. Posh, I think I should have had something to say about +it. Mr. Posh made himself very agreeable to us, and eventually +sent us home in his carriage, which I thought most kind. He is +evidently very rich, for Mrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery. +She told Carrie her necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday +present, alone cost £300.</p> +<p>Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he would +make rapid way in the world.</p> +<p>I could not help thinking of the £600 Mr. Posh lost over the +<i>Parachikka Chlorates</i> through Lupin’s advice.</p> +<p>During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and expressed +a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his means.</p> +<p>Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands. “Posh’s +one-price hat” was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester, +Liverpool, and all the big towns throughout England. Lupin further +informed me that Mr. Posh was opening branch establishments at New York, +Sydney, and Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and Johannesburg.</p> +<p>I said I was pleased to hear it.</p> +<p>Lupin said: “Why, he has settled over £10,000 on Daisy, +and the same amount on ‘Lillie Girl.’ If at any time +I wanted a little capital, he would put up a couple of ‘thou’ +at a day’s notice, and could buy up Perkupp’s firm over +his head at any moment with ready cash.”</p> +<p>On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I +was inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money was <i>not</i> +properly divided.</p> +<p>On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom cab, +which had been waiting for me for two hours with a letter. Sarah +said she did not know what to do, as we had not left the address where +we had gone. I trembled as I opened the letter, fearing it was +some bad news about Mr. Perkupp. The note was: “Dear Mr. +Pooter,—Come down to the Victoria Hotel without delay. Important. +Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle.”</p> +<p>I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman replied that +it was <i>not</i>; for his instructions were, if I happened to be out, +he was to wait till I came home. I felt very tired, and really +wanted to go to bed. I reached the hotel at a quarter before midnight. +I apologised for being so late, but Mr. Huttle said: “Not at all; +come and have a few oysters.” I feel my heart beating as +I write these words. To be brief, Mr. Huttle said he had a rich +American friend who wanted to do something large in our line of business, +and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to him. We talked +over the matter. If, by any happy chance, the result be successful, +I can more than compensate my dear master for the loss of Mr. Crowbillon’s +custom. Mr. Huttle had previously said: “The glorious ‘Fourth’ +is a lucky day for America, and, as it has not yet struck twelve, we +will celebrate it with a glass of the best wine to be had in the place, +and drink good luck to our bit of business.”</p> +<p>I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.</p> +<p>It was two o’clock when I got home. Although I was so +tired, I could not sleep except for short intervals—then only +to dream.</p> +<p>I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. The latter was +in a lovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkupp was waiting in +the room. Mr. Huttle kept taking off this crown and handing it +to me, and calling me “President.”</p> +<p>He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept asking Mr. +Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master. Mr. Huttle kept +saying: “No, this is the White House of Washington, and you must +keep your crown, Mr. President.”</p> +<p>We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and then +I woke up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over and +over again.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CHAPTER THE LAST</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>One of the happiest days of my life.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div> +<p>July 10.—The excitement and anxiety through which I have gone +the last few days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey. +It is all but settled. To-morrow the die will be cast. I +have written a long letter to Lupin—feeling it my duty to do so,—regarding +his attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove up to our house again last +night.</p> +<p>July 11.—I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note +of my interview this morning with Mr. Perkupp. Addressing me, +he said: “My faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important +service you have done our firm. You can never be sufficiently +thanked. Let us change the subject. Do you like your house, +and are you happy where you are?”</p> +<p>I replied: “Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the neighbourhood, +and could not bear to leave it.”</p> +<p>Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: “Mr. Pooter, I will purchase +the freehold of that house, and present it to the most honest and most +worthy man it has ever been my lot to meet.”</p> +<p>He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be spared +many years to enjoy it. My heart was too full to thank him; and, +seeing my embarrassment, the good fellow said: “You need say nothing, +Mr. Pooter,” and left the office.</p> +<p>I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I have +never done before), and asked the two latter to come round to supper.</p> +<p>On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent Sarah +round to the grocer’s to get two bottles of “Jackson Frères.”</p> +<p>My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post brought +a letter from Lupin in reply to mine. I read it aloud to them +all. It ran: “My dear old Guv.,—Keep your hair on. +You are on the wrong tack again. I am engaged to be married to +‘Lillie Girl.’ I did not mention it last Thursday, +as it was not definitely settled. We shall be married in August, +and amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing and Cummings. +With much love to all, from <i>The same old Lupin</i>.”</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE DIARY OF A NOBODY ***</p> +<pre> + +******This file should be named dnbdy10h.htm or dnbdy10h.zip****** +Corrected EDITIONS of our EBooks get a new NUMBER, dnbdy11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, dnbdy10ah.htm + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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