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+The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Diary of a Nobody, by George and Weedon Grossmith
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
+most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
+of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
+will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
+using this eBook.
+
+Title: The Diary of a Nobody
+
+Author: George and Weedon Grossmith
+
+Release Date: June 27, 1997 [eBook #1026]
+[Most recently updated: October 16, 2021]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+Produced by: David Price
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DIARY OF A NOBODY ***
+
+
+
+
+                               The Diary of
+                                 a Nobody
+
+
+                                    BY
+                             GEORGE GROSSMITH
+                                   AND
+                             WEEDON GROSSMITH
+
+                            WITH ILLUSTRATIONS
+                                    BY
+                             WEEDON GROSSMITH
+
+                              A NEW EDITION
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                 BRISTOL
+                  J. W. ARROWSMITH, PRINTER, QUAY STREET
+
+                                  LONDON
+           SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT & COMPANY LIMITED
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER
+
+
+_Why should I not publish my diary_?  _I have often seen reminiscences of
+people I have never even heard of_, _and I fail to see_—_because I do not
+happen to be a_ ‘_Somebody_’—_why my diary should not be interesting_.
+_My only regret is that I did not commence it when I was a youth_.
+
+                                                           CHARLES POOTER.
+
+_The Laurels_,
+      _Brickfield Terrace_,
+            _Holloway_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary.  Tradesmen
+trouble us a bit, so does the scraper.  The Curate calls and pays me a
+great compliment.
+
+My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house, “The
+Laurels,” Brickfield Terrace, Holloway—a nice six-roomed residence, not
+counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour.  We have a little
+front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front door,
+which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up.  Cummings, Gowing,
+and our other intimate friends always come to the little side entrance,
+which saves the servant the trouble of going up to the front door,
+thereby taking her from her work.  We have a nice little back garden
+which runs down to the railway.  We were rather afraid of the noise of
+the trains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice them
+after a bit, and took £2 off the rent.  He was certainly right; and
+beyond the cracking of the garden wall at the bottom, we have suffered no
+inconvenience.
+
+After my work in the City, I like to be at home.  What’s the good of a
+home, if you are never in it?  “Home, Sweet Home,” that’s my motto.  I am
+always in of an evening.  Our old friend Gowing may drop in without
+ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite.  My dear wife Caroline and
+I are pleased to see them, if they like to drop in on us.  But Carrie and
+I can manage to pass our evenings together without friends.  There is
+always something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put
+straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail down—all of which
+I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not above putting a
+button on a shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the “Sylvia
+Gavotte” on our new cottage piano (on the three years’ system),
+manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard
+(in very large letters).  It is also a great comfort to us to know that
+our boy Willie is getting on so well in the Bank at Oldham.  We should
+like to see more of him.  Now for my diary:—
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+APRIL 3.—Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson, the
+ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools.
+By-the-by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the
+bells must be seen to.  The parlour bell is broken, and the front door
+rings up in the servant’s bedroom, which is ridiculous.  Dear friend
+Gowing dropped in, but wouldn’t stay, saying there was an infernal smell
+of paint.
+
+APRIL 4.  Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to deal
+with Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop.  Ordered
+a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial.  Carrie arranged
+with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh butter, and a
+pound and a half of salt ditto for kitchen, and a shilling’s worth of
+eggs.  In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me a
+meerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle
+it carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was moist.  He
+said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint,
+and fell over the scraper as he went out.  Must get the scraper removed,
+or else I shall get into a _scrape_.  I don’t often make jokes.
+
+APRIL 5.—Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with
+another butcher without consulting me.  Gowing called, and fell over
+scraper coming in.  _Must_ get that scraper removed.
+
+APRIL 6.—Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back to Borset
+with my compliments, and he needn’t call any more for orders.  Couldn’t
+find umbrella, and though it was pouring with rain, had to go without it.
+Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took it by mistake last night, as there
+was a stick in the ‘all that didn’t belong to nobody.  In the evening,
+hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs
+hall, I went out to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was
+Borset, the butterman, who was both drunk and offensive.  Borset, on
+seeing me, said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any
+more—the game wasn’t worth the candle.  I restrained my feelings, and
+quietly remarked that I thought it was _possible_ for a city clerk to be
+a _gentleman_.  He replied he was very glad to hear it, and wanted to
+know whether I had ever come across one, for _he_ hadn’t.  He left the
+house, slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and
+I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn’t
+removed it.  When he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to
+have given him.  However, I will keep it for another occasion.
+
+APRIL 7.—Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, and
+putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the office
+were absent through illness, and I did not get home till seven.  Found
+Borset waiting.  He had been three times during the day to apologise for
+his conduct last night.  He said he was unable to take his Bank Holiday
+last Monday, and took it last night instead.  He begged me to accept his
+apology, and a pound of fresh butter.  He seems, after all, a decent sort
+of fellow; so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request
+that on this occasion they _should_ be fresh.  I am afraid we shall have
+to get some new stair-carpets after all; our old ones are not quite wide
+enough to meet the paint on either side.  Carrie suggests that we might
+ourselves broaden the paint.  I will see if we can match the colour (dark
+chocolate) on Monday.
+
+APRIL 8, Sunday.—After Church, the Curate came back with us.  I sent
+Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on special
+occasions.  She could not get it open, and after all my display, I had to
+take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch,) round the side
+entrance.  He caught his foot in the scraper, and tore the bottom of his
+trousers.  Most annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them
+on a Sunday.  After dinner, went to sleep.  Took a walk round the garden,
+and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and
+radishes.  Went to Church again in the evening: walked back with the
+Curate.  Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of trousers, only
+repaired.  He wants me to take round the plate, which I think a great
+compliment.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome.  Gowing rather tiresome with
+his complaints of the paint.  I make one of the best jokes of my life.
+Delights of Gardening.  Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have a
+little misunderstanding.  Sarah makes me look a fool before Cummings.
+
+APRIL 9.—Commenced the morning badly.  The butcher, whom we decided _not_
+to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for
+manner.  He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want my custom.  I
+simply said: “Then what are you making all this fuss about it for?”  And
+he shouted out at the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could
+hear: “Pah! go along.  Ugh!  I could buy up ‘things’ like you by the
+dozen!”
+
+I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this
+disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent
+kicking at the door, enough to break the panels.  It was the blackguard
+butcher again, who said he had cut his foot over the scraper, and would
+immediately bring an action against me.  Called at Farmerson’s, the
+ironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper
+and repairing the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the
+landlord with such a trifling matter.
+
+Arrived home tired and worried.  Mr. Putley, a painter and decorator, who
+had sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs, as
+it contained Indian carmine.  He said he spent half-a-day calling at
+warehouses to see if he could get it.  He suggested he should entirely
+repaint the stairs.  It would cost very little more; if he tried to match
+it, he could only make a bad job of it.  It would be more satisfactory to
+him and to us to have the work done properly.  I consented, but felt I
+had been talked over.  Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and
+went to bed at nine.
+
+APRIL 10.—Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself.  He
+seems a very civil fellow.  He says he does not usually conduct such
+small jobs personally, but for me he would do so.  I thanked him, and
+went to town.  It is disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are at
+arriving.  I told three of them that if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard
+of it, they might be discharged.
+
+Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, told me
+“to keep my hair on!”  I informed him I had had the honour of being in
+the firm twenty years, to which he insolently replied that I “looked it.”
+I gave him an indignant look, and said: “I demand from you some respect,
+sir.”  He replied: “All right, go on demanding.”  I would not argue with
+him any further.  You cannot argue with people like that.  In the evening
+Gowing called, and repeated his complaint about the smell of paint.
+Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and not always
+cautious; and Carrie once very properly reminded him that she was
+present.
+
+APRIL 11.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet.  To-day was a
+day of annoyances.  I missed the quarter-to-nine ’bus to the City,
+through having words with the grocer’s boy, who for the second time had
+the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall-door, and had left the
+marks of his dirty boots on the fresh-cleaned door-steps.  He said he had
+knocked at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour.  I
+knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairs doing
+the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the bell?  He replied
+that he did pull the bell, but the handle came off in his hand.
+
+I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened to
+me before.  There has recently been much irregularity in the attendance
+of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately chose this
+very morning to pounce down upon us early.  Someone had given the tip to
+the others.  The result was that I was the only one late of the lot.
+Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his
+intervention.  As I passed by Pitt’s desk, I heard him remark to his
+neighbour: “How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!”  This
+was, of course, meant for me.  I treated the observation with silence,
+simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of making
+both of the clerks laugh.  Thought afterwards it would have been more
+dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all.  Cummings
+called in the evening, and we played dominoes.
+
+APRIL 12.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet.  Left Farmerson
+repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three men working.  I
+asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a fresh hole
+he had penetrated the gas-pipe.  He said it was a most ridiculous place
+to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it evidently knew nothing about
+his business.  I felt his excuse was no consolation for the expense I
+shall be put to.
+
+In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke together
+in the breakfast-parlour.  Carrie joined us later, but did not stay long,
+saying the smoke was too much for her.  It was also rather too much for
+me, for Gowing had given me what he called a green cigar, one that his
+friend Shoemach had just brought over from America.  The cigar didn’t
+look green, but I fancy I must have done so; for when I had smoked a
+little more than half I was obliged to retire on the pretext of telling
+Sarah to bring in the glasses.
+
+I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need of
+fresh air.  On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered me
+another cigar, which I politely declined.  Gowing began his usual
+sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: “You’re not going to complain of
+the smell of paint again?”  He said: “No, not this time; but I’ll tell
+you what, I distinctly smell dry rot.”  I don’t often make jokes, but I
+replied: “You’re talking a lot of _dry rot_ yourself.”  I could not help
+roaring at this, and Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter.  I
+never was so immensely tickled by anything I have ever said before.  I
+actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.
+
+APRIL 13.—An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman to
+make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent
+the sun fading the green rep of the furniture.  I saw the woman, and
+recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old aunt at
+Clapham.  It only shows how small the world is.
+
+APRIL 14.—Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having this
+morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in
+good condition, on _Gardening_.  I procured and sowed some half-hardy
+annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border.  I thought of a
+joke, and called out Carrie.  Carrie came out rather testy, I thought.  I
+said: “I have just discovered we have got a lodging-house.”  She replied:
+“How do you mean?”  I said: “Look at the _boarders_.”  Carrie said: “Is
+that all you wanted me for?”  I said: “Any other time you would have
+laughed at my little pleasantry.”  Carrie said: “Certainly—_at any other
+time_, but not when I am busy in the house.”  The stairs looked very
+nice.  Gowing called, and said the stairs looked _all right_, but it made
+the banisters look _all wrong_, and suggested a coat of paint on them
+also, which Carrie quite agreed with.  I walked round to Putley, and
+fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banisters
+slide.  By-the-by, that is rather funny.
+
+APRIL 15, Sunday.—At three o’clock Cummings and Gowing called for a good
+long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend
+named Stillbrook.  We walked and chatted together, except Stillbrook, who
+was always a few yards behind us staring at the ground and cutting at the
+grass with his stick.
+
+As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowing
+suggested that we should make for “The Cow and Hedge” and get some tea.
+Stillbrook said: “A brandy-and-soda was good enough for him.”  I reminded
+them that all public-houses were closed till six o’clock.  Stillbrook
+said, “That’s all right—_bona-fide_ travellers.”
+
+We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the gate
+said: “Where from?”  I replied: “Holloway.”  He immediately put up his
+arm, and declined to let me pass.  I turned back for a moment, when I saw
+Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for the
+entrance.  I watched them, and thought I would have a good laugh at their
+expense, I heard the porter say: “Where from?”  When, to my surprise, in
+fact disgust, Stillbrook replied: “Blackheath,” and the three were
+immediately admitted.
+
+Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: “We shan’t be a minute.”
+I waited for them the best part of an hour.  When they appeared they were
+all in most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to
+apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: “It was very rough on you
+to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S. and B.’s.”  I walked
+home in silence; I couldn’t speak to them.  I felt very dull all the
+evening, but deemed it advisable _not_ to say anything to Carrie about
+the matter.
+
+APRIL 16.—After business, set to work in the garden.  When it got dark I
+wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhaps
+they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday’s adventure at “The Cow
+and Hedge.”  Afterwards made up my mind not to write _yet_.
+
+APRIL 17.—Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings
+about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook.  Afterwards,
+thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and determined not to
+_write_ at all, but to _speak_ quietly to them.  Dumfounded at receiving
+a sharp letter from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been
+waiting for an explanation of _my_ (mind you, MY) extraordinary conduct
+coming home on Sunday.  At last I wrote: “I thought I was the aggrieved
+party; but as I freely forgive you, you—feeling yourself aggrieved—should
+bestow forgiveness on me.”  I have copied this _verbatim_ in the diary,
+because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful sentences I
+have ever written.  I posted the letter, but in my own heart I felt I was
+actually apologising for having been insulted.
+
+APRIL 18.—Am in for a cold.  Spent the whole day at the office sneezing.
+In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for a bottle
+of Kinahan.  Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke with the shivers.
+Was startled by a loud knock at the front door.  Carrie awfully flurried.
+Sarah still out, so went up, opened the door, and found it was only
+Cummings.  Remembered the grocer’s boy had again broken the side-bell.
+Cummings squeezed my hand, and said: “I’ve just seen Gowing.  All right.
+Say no more about it.”  There is no doubt they are both under the
+impression I have apologised.
+
+While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: “By-the-by,
+do you want any wine or spirits?  My cousin Merton has just set up in the
+trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eight
+shillings.  It is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.”  I
+told him my cellars, which were very small, were full up.  To my horror,
+at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and putting a bottle of
+whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of newspaper, on the table in front of
+us, said: “Please, sir, the grocer says he ain’t got no more Kinahan, but
+you’ll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned on the
+bottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has some at
+one-and-three, as dry as a nut!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society.  Mr. and Mrs. James, of
+Sutton, come up.  A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre.  Experiments
+with enamel paint.  I make another good joke; but Gowing and Cummings are
+unnecessarily offended.  I paint the bath red, with unexpected result.
+
+APRIL 19.—Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton, who is in
+the wine trade.  Gowing also called.  Mr. Merton made himself at home at
+once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him immediately, and
+thoroughly approved of his sentiments.
+
+He leaned back in his chair and said: “You must take me as I am;” and I
+replied: “Yes—and you must take us as we are.  We’re homely people, we
+are not swells.”
+
+He answered: “No, I can see that,” and Gowing roared with laughter; but
+Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing: “I don’t think you
+quite understand me.  I intended to convey that our charming host and
+hostess were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading a
+simple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny
+tea-drinking afternoons, and living above their incomes.”
+
+I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton’s, and
+concluded that subject by saying: “No, candidly, Mr. Merton, we don’t go
+into Society, because we do not care for it; and what with the expense of
+cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it
+doesn’t seem worth the money.”
+
+Merton said in reference to _friends_: “My motto is ‘Few and True;’ and,
+by the way, I also apply that to wine, ‘Little and Good.’”  Gowing said:
+“Yes, and sometimes ‘cheap and tasty,’ eh, old man?”  Merton, still
+continuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and put me down for a
+dozen of his “Lockanbar” whisky, and as I was an old friend of Gowing, I
+should have it for 36s., which was considerably under what he paid for
+it.
+
+He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted any
+passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood good for
+any theatre in London.
+
+APRIL 20.—Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, Annie Fullers
+(now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days,
+it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line
+to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the Italian
+Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum.  I wrote Merton to that effect.
+
+APRIL 21.—Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and just at
+present couldn’t manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy,
+or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the _Brown Bushes_,
+at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed seats for four; also bill
+for whisky.
+
+APRIL 23.—Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to meat tea,
+and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre.  We got a ’bus that took
+us to King’s Cross, and then changed into one that took us to the
+“Angel.”  Mr. James each time insisted on paying for all, saying that I
+had paid for the tickets and that was quite enough.
+
+We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our ’bus-load except
+an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in.  I walked ahead and
+presented the tickets.  The man looked at them, and called out: “Mr.
+Willowly! do you know anything about these?” holding up my tickets.  The
+gentleman called to, came up and examined my tickets, and said: “Who gave
+you these?”  I said, rather indignantly: “Mr. Merton, of course.”  He
+said: “Merton?  Who’s he?”  I answered, rather sharply: “You ought to
+know, his name’s good at any theatre in London.”  He replied: “Oh! is it?
+Well, it ain’t no good here.  These tickets, which are not dated, were
+issued under Mr. Swinstead’s management, which has since changed hands.”
+While I was having some very unpleasant words with the man, James, who
+had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out: “Come on!”  I went up
+after them, and a very civil attendant said: “This way, please, box H.”
+I said to James: “Why, how on earth did you manage it?” and to my horror
+he replied: “Why, paid for it of course.”
+
+This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play, but I
+was doomed to still further humiliation.  I was leaning out of the box,
+when my tie—a little black bow which fastened on to the stud by means of
+a new patent—fell into the pit below.  A clumsy man not noticing it, had
+his foot on it for ever so long before he discovered it.  He then picked
+it up and eventually flung it under the next seat in disgust.  What with
+the box incident and the tie, I felt quite miserable.  Mr. James, of
+Sutton, was very good.  He said: “Don’t worry—no one will notice it with
+your beard.  That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see.”
+There was no occasion for that remark, for Carrie is very proud of my
+beard.
+
+To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest of the
+evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck.
+
+APRIL 24.—Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having brought
+up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre last night,
+and his having paid for a private box because our order was not honoured,
+and such a poor play too.  I wrote a very satirical letter to Merton, the
+wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said, “Considering we had to pay
+for our seats, we did our best to appreciate the performance.”  I thought
+this line rather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p’s there were in
+appreciate, and she said, “One.”  After I sent off the letter I looked at
+the dictionary and found there were two.  Awfully vexed at this.
+
+Decided not to worry myself any more about the James’s; for, as Carrie
+wisely said, “We’ll make it all right with them by asking them up from
+Sutton one evening next week to play at Bézique.”
+
+APRIL 25.—In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was working
+wonders with the new Pinkford’s enamel paint, I determined to try it.  I
+bought two tins of red on my way home.  I hastened through tea, went into
+the garden and painted some flower-pots.  I called out Carrie, who said:
+“You’ve always got some newfangled craze;” but she was obliged to admit
+that the flower-pots looked remarkably well.  Went upstairs into the
+servant’s bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of
+drawers.  To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement, but as an
+example of the ignorance of the lower classes in the matter of taste, our
+servant, Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely
+said “she thought they looked very well as they was before.”
+
+APRIL 26.—Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind, being the best
+colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of our _Shakspeare_,
+the binding of which had almost worn out.
+
+APRIL 27.—Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the result.  Sorry
+to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words about it.  She said I
+ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such a thing as a
+bath being painted red.  I replied: “It’s merely a matter of taste.”
+
+Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice
+saying, “May I come in?”  It was only Cummings, who said, “Your maid
+opened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as she was
+wringing out some socks.”  I was delighted to see him, and suggested we
+should have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way of merriment said:
+“You can be the dummy.”  Cummings (I thought rather ill-naturedly)
+replied: “Funny as usual.”  He said he couldn’t stop, he only called to
+leave me the _Bicycle News_, as he had done with it.
+
+Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he “must apologise for
+coming so often, and that one of these days we must come round to _him_.”
+I said: “A very extraordinary thing has struck me.”  “Something funny, as
+usual,” said Cummings.  “Yes,” I replied; “I think even you will say so
+this time.  It’s concerning you both; for doesn’t it seem odd that
+Gowing’s always coming and Cummings’ always going?”  Carrie, who had
+evidently quite forgotten about the bath, went into fits of laughter, and
+as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my chair, till it cracked beneath
+me.  I think this was one of the best jokes I have ever made.
+
+Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing
+perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces.  After rather an
+unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed it up
+again and said: “Yes—I think, after that, I _shall_ be going, and I am
+sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes.”  Gowing said he didn’t mind a
+joke when it wasn’t rude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, was
+certainly a little wanting in good taste.  Cummings followed it up by
+saying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, he shouldn’t have
+entered the house again.  This rather unpleasantly terminated what might
+have been a cheerful evening.  However, it was as well they went, for the
+charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.
+
+APRIL 28.—At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, who was very
+impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again.  I told him it would be
+my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal.  To my surprise, Pitt
+apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion.  I was
+unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner towards me,
+and told him I would look over his unpunctuality.  Passing down the room
+an hour later.  I received a smart smack in the face from a rolled-up
+ball of hard foolscap.  I turned round sharply, but all the clerks were
+apparently riveted to their work.  I am not a rich man, but I would give
+half-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown by accident or design.
+Went home early and bought some more enamel paint—black this time—and
+spent the evening touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair
+of boots, making them look as good as new.  Also painted Gowing’s
+walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it look like ebony.
+
+APRIL 29, Sunday.—Woke up with a fearful headache and strong symptoms of
+a cold.  Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, said it was
+“painter’s colic,” and was the result of my having spent the last few
+days with my nose over a paint-pot.  I told her firmly that I knew a
+great deal better what was the matter with me than she did.  I had got a
+chill, and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear it.  Bath
+ready—could scarcely bear it so hot.  I persevered, and got in; very hot,
+but very acceptable.  I lay still for some time.
+
+On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced the
+greatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for
+imagine my horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of blood.
+My first thought was that I had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to
+death, and should be discovered, later on, looking like a second Marat,
+as I remember seeing him in Madame Tussaud’s.  My second thought was to
+ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell to ring.  My third was,
+that there was nothing but the enamel paint, which had dissolved with
+boiling water.  I stepped out of the bath, perfectly red all over,
+resembling the Red Indians I have seen depicted at an East-End theatre.
+I determined not to say a word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come
+on Monday and paint the bath white.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+The ball at the Mansion House.
+
+APRIL 30.—Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for Carrie and
+myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to “meet the
+Representatives of Trades and Commerce.”  My heart beat like that of a
+schoolboy’s.  Carrie and I read the invitation over two or three times.
+I could scarcely eat my breakfast.  I said—and I felt it from the bottom
+of my heart,—“Carrie darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the
+aisle of the church on our wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if
+not surpassed, when I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady
+Mayoress at the Mansion House.”  I saw the tears in Carrie’s eyes, and
+she said: “Charlie dear, it is _I_ who have to be proud of you.  And I am
+very, very proud of you.  You have called me pretty; and as long as I am
+pretty in your eyes, I am happy.  You, dear old Charlie, are not
+handsome, but you are _good_, which is far more noble.”  I gave her a
+kiss, and she said: “I wonder if there will be any dancing?  I have not
+danced with you for years.”
+
+I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the waist,
+and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka when Sarah
+entered, grinning, and said: “There is a man, mum, at the door who wants
+to know if you want any good coals.”  Most annoyed at this.  Spent the
+evening in answering, and tearing up again, the reply to the Mansion
+House, having left word with Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called we were
+not at home.  Must consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor’s
+invitation.
+
+MAY 1.—Carrie said: “I should like to send mother the invitation to look
+at.”  I consented, as soon as I had answered it.  I told Mr. Perkupp, at
+the office, with a feeling of pride, that we had received an invitation
+to the Mansion House; and he said, to my astonishment, that he himself
+gave in my name to the Lord Mayor’s secretary.  I felt this rather
+discounted the value of the invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply
+to me, he described how I was to answer it.  I felt the reply was too
+simple; but of course Mr. Perkupp knows best.
+
+MAY 2.—Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor’s round the
+corner, to have the creases taken out.  Told Gowing not to call next
+Monday, as we were going to the Mansion House.  Sent similar note to
+Cummings.
+
+MAY 3.—Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about her dress
+for next Monday.  While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our head
+clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: “Oh, I’m asked, but don’t think
+I shall go.”  When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel my
+invitation is considerably discounted.  In the evening, while I was out,
+the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, and because Sarah
+had not a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took them away again.
+
+MAY 4.—Carrie’s mother returned the Lord Mayor’s invitation, which was
+sent to her to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of port
+over it.  I was too angry to say anything.
+
+MAY 5.—Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and two
+white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying.
+
+MAY 6, Sunday.—A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to say, I twice
+thought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow.
+
+MAY 7.—A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor’s reception.  The whole
+house upset.  I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie wanted the
+room to herself.  Mrs. James had come up from Sutton to help Carrie; so I
+could not help thinking it unreasonable that she should require the
+entire attention of Sarah, the servant, as well.  Sarah kept running out
+of the house to fetch “something for missis,” and several times I had, in
+my full evening-dress, to answer the back-door.
+
+The last time it was the greengrocer’s boy, who, not seeing it was me,
+for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two cabbages and
+half-a-dozen coal-blocks.  I indignantly threw them on the ground, and
+felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to box the boy’s ears.  He
+went away crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I would not have
+happen for the world.  In the dark, I stepped on a piece of the cabbage,
+which brought me down on the flags all of a heap.  For a moment I was
+stunned, but when I recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing-room
+and on looking into the chimney-glass discovered that my chin was
+bleeding, my shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn
+at the knee.
+
+However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed in the
+drawing-room.  I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin, and Sarah very
+neatly sewed up the tear at the knee.  At nine o’clock Carrie swept into
+the room, looking like a queen.  Never have I seen her look so lovely, or
+so distinguished.  She was wearing a satin dress of sky-blue—my favourite
+colour—and a piece of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round the
+shoulders, to give a finish.  I thought perhaps the dress was a little
+too long behind, and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it
+was _à la mode_.  Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of
+ivory with red feathers, the value of which, she said, was priceless, as
+the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle—a bird now extinct.  I preferred
+the little white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six at
+Shoolbred’s, but both ladies sat on me at once.
+
+We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather fortunate,
+for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciously
+condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I must say I was
+disappointed to find he did not even know Mr. Perkupp, our principal.
+
+I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who did not
+know the Lord Mayor himself.  Crowds arrived, and I shall never forget
+the grand sight.  My humble pen can never describe it.  I was a little
+annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying: “Isn’t it a pity we don’t know
+anybody?”
+
+Once she quite lost her head.  I saw someone who looked like Franching,
+from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized me by the
+coat-tails, and said quite loudly: “Don’t leave me,” which caused an
+elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, and two
+ladies, to burst out laughing.  There was an immense crowd in the
+supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid supper—any amount of
+champagne.
+
+Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I
+sometimes think she is not strong.  There was scarcely a dish she did not
+taste.  I was so thirsty, I could not eat much.  Receiving a sharp slap
+on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, our
+ironmonger.  He said, in the most familiar way: “This is better than
+Brickfield Terrace, eh?”  I simply looked at him, and said coolly: “I
+never expected to see you here.”  He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: “I
+like that—if _you_, why not _me_?”  I replied: “Certainly,” I wish I
+could have thought of something better to say.  He said: “Can I get your
+good lady anything?”  Carrie said: “No, I thank you,” for which I was
+pleased.  I said, by way of reproof to him: “You never sent to-day to
+paint the bath, as I requested.”  Farmerson said: “Pardon me, Mr. Pooter,
+no shop when we’re in company, please.”
+
+Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court
+costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old friend,
+and asked him to dine with him at his lodge.  I was astonished.  For full
+five minutes they stood roaring with laughter, and stood digging each
+other in the ribs.  They kept telling each other they didn’t look a day
+older.  They began embracing each other and drinking champagne.
+
+To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member of our
+aristocracy!  I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson seized me
+rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff, said: “Let me
+introduce my neighbour, Pooter.”  He did not even say “Mister.”  The
+sheriff handed me a glass of champagne.  I felt, after all, it was a
+great honour to drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so.  We
+stood chatting for some time, and at last I said: “You must excuse me now
+if I join Mrs. Pooter.”  When I approached her, she said: “Don’t let me
+take you away from friends.  I am quite happy standing here alone in a
+crowd, knowing nobody!”
+
+As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time nor the
+place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: “I hope my darling
+little wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of saying we had
+danced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord Mayor.”  Finding the
+dancing after supper was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used to
+admire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round her waist and
+we commenced a waltz.
+
+A most unfortunate accident occurred.  I had got on a new pair of boots.
+Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie’s advice; namely, to scratch the
+soles of them with the points of the scissors or to put a little wet on
+them.  I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slipped
+away and I came down, the side of my head striking the floor with such
+violence that for a second or two I did not know what had happened.  I
+needly hardly say that Carrie fell with me with equal violence, breaking
+the comb in her hair and grazing her elbow.
+
+There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when people
+found that we had really hurt ourselves.  A gentleman assisted Carrie to
+a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger of having a
+plain polished floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent people
+slipping.  The gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, insisted on
+escorting Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was
+pleased to allow Carrie to accept.
+
+I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud voice
+“Oh, are you the one who went down?”
+
+I answered with an indignant look.
+
+With execrable taste, he said: “Look here, old man, we are too old for
+this game.  We must leave these capers to the youngsters.  Come and have
+another glass, that is more in our line.”
+
+Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed the
+others into the supper-room.
+
+Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined to stay
+longer.  As we were departing, Farmerson said: “Are you going? if so, you
+might give me a lift.”
+
+I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted Carrie.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+After the Mansion House Ball.  Carrie offended.  Gowing also offended.  A
+pleasant party at the Cummings’.  Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits us.
+
+MAY 8.—I woke up with a most terrible headache.  I could scarcely see,
+and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick.  I thought
+first of sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary.  When
+up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish’s, the chemist, who gave me a
+draught.  So bad at the office, had to get leave to come home.  Went to
+another chemist in the City, and I got a draught.  Brownish’s dose seems
+to have made me worse; have eaten nothing all day.  To make matters
+worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me sharply—that is,
+when she answered at all.
+
+In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: “I do
+believe I’ve been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the Mansion House
+last night;” she simply replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing:
+“Champagne never did agree with you.”  I felt irritated, and said: “What
+nonsense you talk; I only had a glass and a half, and you know as well as
+I do—”  Before I could complete the sentence she bounced out of the room.
+I sat over an hour waiting for her to return; but as she did not, I
+determined I would go to bed.  I discovered Carrie had gone to bed
+without even saying “good-night”; leaving me to bar the scullery door and
+feed the cat.  I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning.
+
+MAY 9.—Still a little shaky, with black specks.  The _Blackfriars
+Bi-weekly News_ contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion House
+Ball.  Disappointed to find our names omitted, though Farmerson’s is in
+plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever that may mean.  More than
+vexed, because we had ordered a dozen copies to send to our friends.
+Wrote to the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_, pointing out their omission.
+
+Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour.  I helped
+myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly:
+“Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night.”
+
+She replied, “Indeed! and I desire something more than a little
+explanation of your conduct the night before.”
+
+I said, coolly: “Really, I don’t understand you.”
+
+Carrie said sneeringly: “Probably not; you were scarcely in a condition
+to understand anything.”
+
+I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: “Caroline!”
+
+She said: “Don’t be theatrical, it has no effect on me.  Reserve that
+tone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger.”
+
+I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never seen
+her in before, told me to hold my tongue.  She said: “Now _I’m_ going to
+say something!  After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, you permit him to
+snub _you_, in my presence, and then accept his invitation to take a
+glass of champagne with you, and you don’t limit yourself to one glass.
+You then offer this vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairing our
+scraper, a seat in our cab on the way home.  I say nothing about his
+tearing my dress in getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James’s
+expensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he never
+even apologised; but you smoked all the way home without having the
+decency to ask my permission.  That is not all!  At the end of the
+journey, although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of
+the cab, you asked him in.  Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect,
+from my manner, that his company was not desirable.”
+
+Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make matters
+worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two hats on his
+head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie’s fur tippet
+(which he had taken off the downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and
+announced himself in a loud, coarse voice: “His Royal Highness, the Lord
+Mayor!”  He marched twice round the room like a buffoon, and finding we
+took no notice, said: “Hulloh! what’s up?  Lovers’ quarrel, eh?”
+
+There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: “My dear Gowing, I’m
+not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking; especially when
+you enter the room without knocking, an act which I fail to see the fun
+of.”
+
+Gowing said: “I’m very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I thought
+you would have sent round.”  I handed him his stick, which I remembered I
+had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to improve it.  He
+looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression and said: “Who did
+this?”
+
+I said: “Eh, did what?”
+
+He said: “Did what?  Why, destroyed my stick!  It belonged to my poor
+uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world!  I’ll know
+who did it.”
+
+I said: “I’m very sorry.  I dare say it will come off.  I did it for the
+best.”
+
+Gowing said: “Then all I can say is, it’s a confounded liberty; and I
+_would_ add, you’re a bigger fool than you look, only _that’s_ absolutely
+impossible.”
+
+MAY 12.—Got a single copy of the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_.  There was
+a short list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid people had
+mentioned our names as “Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter.”  Most annoying!  Wrote
+again and I took particular care to write our name in capital letters,
+_POOTER_, so that there should be no possible mistake this time.
+
+MAY 16.—Absolutely disgusted on opening the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_
+of to-day, to find the following paragraph: “We have received two letters
+from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to announce the important
+fact that they were at the Mansion House Ball.”  I tore up the paper and
+threw it in the waste-paper basket.  My time is far too valuable to
+bother about such trifles.
+
+MAY 21.—The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being away at
+Mrs. James’s, at Sutton.  Cummings also away.  Gowing, I presume, is
+still offended with me for black enamelling his stick without asking him.
+
+MAY 22.—Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost
+seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it round
+with nice note to Gowing.
+
+MAY 23.—Received strange note from Gowing; he said: “Offended? not a bit,
+my boy—I thought you were offended with me for losing my temper.
+Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle’s stick you
+painted.  It was only a shilling thing I bought at a tobacconist’s.
+However, I am much obliged to you for your handsome present all same.”
+
+MAY 24.—Carrie back.  Hoorah!  She looks wonderfully well, except that
+the sun has caught her nose.
+
+MAY 25.—Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to take them
+to Trillip’s round the corner.  She said: “The fronts and cuffs are much
+frayed.”  I said without a moment’s hesitation: “I’m _’frayed_ they are.”
+Lor! how we roared.  I thought we should never stop laughing.  As I
+happened to be sitting next the driver going to town on the ’bus, I told
+him my joke about the “frayed” shirts.  I thought he would have rolled
+off his seat.  They laughed at the office a good bit too over it.
+
+MAY 26.—Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip’s.  I said to him: “I’m
+_’fraid_ they are _frayed_.”  He said, without a smile: “They’re bound to
+do that, sir.”  Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of
+humour.
+
+JUNE 1.—The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back, and
+Gowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly.  Twice we sat out in
+the garden quite late.  This evening we were like a pack of children, and
+played “consequences.”  It is a good game.
+
+JUNE 2.—“Consequences” again this evening.  Not quite so successful as
+last night; Gowing having several times overstepped the limits of good
+taste.
+
+JUNE 4.—In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. Cummings’
+to spend a quiet evening with them.  Gowing was there, also Mr.
+Stillbrook.  It was quiet but pleasant.  Mrs. Cummings sang five or six
+songs, “No, Sir,” and “The Garden of Sleep,” being best in my humble
+judgment; but what pleased me most was the duet she sang with
+Carrie—classical duet, too.  I think it is called, “I would that my
+love!”  It was beautiful.  If Carrie had been in better voice, I don’t
+think professionals could have sung it better.  After supper we made them
+sing it again.  I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday
+to the “Cow and Hedge,” but I must say he sings comic-songs well.  His
+song: “We don’t Want the old men now,” made us shriek with laughter,
+especially the verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; but there was one verse
+I think he might have omitted, and I said so, but Gowing thought it was
+the best of the lot.
+
+JUNE 6.—Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust, his charge
+for repairing was more than I gave for them when new.  I told him so, and
+he impertinently replied: “Well, they are better now than when they were
+new.”  I paid him, and said it was a robbery.  He said: “If you wanted
+your shirt-fronts made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing
+and bookbinding, why didn’t you say so?”
+
+JUNE 7.—A dreadful annoyance.  Met Mr. Franching, who lives at Peckham,
+and who is a great swell in his way.  I ventured to ask him to come home
+to meat-tea, and take pot-luck.  I did not think he would accept such a
+humble invitation; but he did, saying, in a most friendly way, he would
+rather “peck” with us than by himself.  I said: “We had better get into
+this blue ’bus.”  He replied: “No blue-bussing for me.  I have had enough
+of the blues lately.  I lost a cool ‘thou’ over the Copper Scare.  Step
+in here.”
+
+We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked three times at
+the front door without getting an answer.  I saw Carrie, through the
+panels of ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs.  I told Mr.
+Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the side.  There I
+saw the grocer’s boy actually picking off the paint on the door, which
+had formed into blisters.  No time to reprove him; so went round and
+effected an entrance through the kitchen window.  I let in Mr. Franching,
+and showed him into the drawing-room.  I went upstairs to Carrie, who was
+changing her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come
+home.  She replied: “How can you do such a thing?  You know it’s Sarah’s
+holiday, and there’s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having
+turned with the hot weather.”
+
+Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down, washed
+up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our views of
+Japan to look at while I ran round to the butcher’s to get three chops.
+
+JULY 30.—The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or Carrie, or
+both.  We seem to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing,
+and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times.
+
+This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking about
+balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation drifted
+into family matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest reason,
+referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father’s pecuniary
+trouble.  I retorted by saying that “Pa, at all events, was a gentleman,”
+whereupon Carrie burst out crying.  I positively could not eat any
+breakfast.
+
+At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was very sorry,
+but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday.
+Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his club, “The
+Constitutional.”  Fearing disagreeables at home after the “tiff” this
+morning, I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I was going out to dine
+and she was not to sit up.  Bought a little silver bangle for Carrie.
+
+JULY 31.—Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left with an
+affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going to bed.
+I told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next Saturday.  She
+replied quite happily that she did not mind, except that the weather was
+so bad, and she feared that Miss Jibbons would not be able to get her a
+seaside dress in time.  I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with
+pink bows looked quite good enough; and Carrie said she should not think
+of wearing it.  I was about to discuss the matter, when, remembering the
+argument yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue.
+
+I said to Carrie: “I don’t think we can do better than ‘Good old
+Broadstairs.’”  Carrie not only, to my astonishment, raised an objection
+to Broadstairs, for the first time; but begged me not to use the
+expression, “Good old,” but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and other
+_gentlemen_ of his type.  Hearing my ’bus pass the window, I was obliged
+to rush out of the house without kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted
+to her: “I leave it to you to decide.”  On returning in the evening,
+Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided on
+Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour View Terrace, for
+apartments.
+
+AUGUST 1.—Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards’s, and told them not
+to cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and also
+tight at the knee, looked like a sailor’s, and I heard Pitt, that
+objectionable youth at the office, call out “Hornpipe” as I passed his
+desk.  Carrie has ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge
+skirt, which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside.  In the
+evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, while I read to her the
+_Exchange and Mart_.  We had a good laugh over my trying on the hat when
+she had finished it; Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard, and
+how the people would have roared if I went on the stage like it.
+
+AUGUST 2.—Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms at
+Broadstairs.  That’s off our mind.  Bought a coloured shirt and a pair of
+tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in the
+City, and hear are all the “go.”
+
+AUGUST 3.—A beautiful day.  Looking forward to to-morrow.  Carrie bought
+a parasol about five feet long.  I told her it was ridiculous.  She said:
+“Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one twice as long so;” the matter dropped.  I
+bought a capital hat for hot weather at the seaside.  I don’t know what
+it is called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in India, only made
+of straw.  Got three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair of
+navy-blue socks at Pope Brothers.  Spent the evening packing.  Carrie
+told me not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth’s telescope, which he
+always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it.  Sent Sarah out
+for it.  While everything was seeming so bright, the last post brought us
+a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: “I have just let all my house to one
+party, and am sorry I must take back my words, and am sorry you must find
+other apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased to
+accommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as her rooms are
+engaged Bank Holiday week.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter.
+
+AUGUST 4.—The first post brought a nice letter from our dear son Willie,
+acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him, the day before
+yesterday being his twentieth birthday.  To our utter amazement he turned
+up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way from Oldham.
+He said he had got leave from the bank, and as Monday was a holiday he
+thought he would give us a little surprise.
+
+AUGUST 5, Sunday.—We have not seen Willie since last Christmas, and are
+pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown.  One would scarcely
+believe he was Carrie’s son.  He looks more like a younger brother.  I
+rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit on a Sunday, and I think he
+ought to have gone to church this morning; but he said he was tired after
+yesterday’s journey, so I refrained from any remark on the subject.  We
+had a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie’s health.
+
+He said: “Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I’ve cut my first name,
+‘William,’ and taken the second name ‘Lupin’?  In fact, I’m only known at
+Oldham as ‘Lupin Pooter.’  If you were to ‘Willie’ me there, they
+wouldn’t know what you meant.”
+
+Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted, and
+began by giving a long history of the Lupins.  I ventured to say that I
+thought William a nice simple name, and reminded him he was christened
+after his Uncle William, who was much respected in the City.  Willie, in
+a manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: “Oh, I know all
+about that—Good old Bill!” and helped himself to a third glass of port.
+
+Carrie objected strongly to my saying “Good old,” but she made no remark
+when Willie used the double adjective.  I said nothing, but looked at
+her, which meant more.  I said: “My dear Willie, I hope you are happy
+with your colleagues at the Bank.”  He replied: “Lupin, if you please;
+and with respect to the Bank, there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and
+the ‘boss’ is a cad.”  I felt so shocked, I could say nothing, and my
+instinct told me there was something wrong.
+
+AUGUST 6, Bank Holiday.—As there was no sign of Lupin moving at nine
+o’clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted at
+half-past eight, and asked how long would he be?  Lupin replied that he
+had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the house all
+night, and then with the sun streaming in through the window in his eyes,
+and giving him a cracking headache.  Carrie came up and asked if he would
+like some breakfast sent up, and he said he could do with a cup of tea,
+and didn’t want anything to eat.
+
+Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and said we
+dined at two; he said he “would be there.”  He never came down till a
+quarter to three.  I said: “We have not seen much of you, and you will
+have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have to leave in an
+hour, unless you go by the midnight mail.”  He said: “Look here, Guv’nor,
+it’s no use beating about the bush.  I’ve tendered my resignation at the
+Bank.”
+
+For a moment I could not speak.  When my speech came again, I said: “How
+dare you, sir?  How dare you take such a serious step without consulting
+me?  Don’t answer me, sir!—you will sit down immediately, and write a
+note at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amply apologising
+for your thoughtlessness.”
+
+Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: “It’s no use.  If
+you want the good old truth, I’ve got the chuck!”
+
+AUGUST 7.—Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday a week,
+as we could not get the room.  This will give us an opportunity of trying
+to find an appointment for Willie before we go.  The ambition of my life
+would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp’s firm.
+
+AUGUST 11.—Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin on our
+hands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the
+Bank simply because “he took no interest in his work, and always arrived
+an hour (sometimes two hours) late.”  We can all start off on Monday to
+Broadstairs with a light heart.  This will take my mind off the worry of
+the last few days, which have been wasted over a useless correspondence
+with the manager of the Bank at Oldham.
+
+AUGUST 13.—Hurrah! at Broadstairs.  Very nice apartments near the
+station.  On the cliffs they would have been double the price.  The
+landlady had a nice five o’clock dinner and tea ready, which we all
+enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because there happened to be a
+fly in the butter.  It was very wet in the evening, for which I was
+thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to bed early.  Lupin said he
+would sit up and read a bit.
+
+AUGUST 14.—I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading last
+night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly
+Rooms.  I expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy of
+respectable patronage; but he replied: “Oh, it was only ‘for one night
+only.’  I had a fit of the blues come on, and thought I would go to see
+Polly Presswell, England’s Particular Spark.”  I told him I was proud to
+say I had never heard of her.  Carrie said: “Do let the boy alone.  He’s
+quite old enough to take care of himself, and won’t forget he’s a
+gentleman.  Remember, you were young once yourself.”  Rained all day
+hard, but Lupin would go out.
+
+AUGUST 15.—Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate, and the
+first person we met on the jetty was Gowing.  I said: “Hulloh!  I thought
+you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?”  He said: “Yes,
+but young Peter Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I
+came down here.  You know the Cummings’ are here too?”  Carrie said: “Oh,
+that will be delightful!  We must have some evenings together and have
+games.”
+
+I introduced Lupin, saying: “You will be pleased to find we have our dear
+boy at home!”  Gowing said: “How’s that?  You don’t mean to say he’s left
+the Bank?”
+
+I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those awkward
+questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking.
+
+AUGUST 16.—Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with me
+because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat.  I don’t
+know what the boy is coming to.
+
+AUGUST 17.—Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and I went for a
+sail.  It was a relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me,
+she always sides with him.  On our return, he said: “Oh, you’ve been on
+the ‘Shilling Emetic,’ have you?  You’ll come to six-pennorth on the
+‘Liver Jerker’ next.”  I presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected not
+to understand him.
+
+AUGUST 18.—Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening at
+Margate.  It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the
+hotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in fact
+disapprove of the game.  Cummings said he must hasten back to Margate;
+whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: “I’ll give you a game, Gowing—a
+hundred up.  A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for dinner.”
+I said: “Perhaps Mister Gowing does not care to play with boys.”  Gowing
+surprised me by saying: “Oh yes, I do, if they play well,” and they
+walked off together.
+
+AUGUST 19, Sunday.—I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking (which
+he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walked
+out.  Carrie then read _me_ a long sermon on the palpable inadvisability
+of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child.  I felt she was somewhat
+right, so in the evening I offered him a cigar.  He seemed pleased, but,
+after a few whiffs, said: “This is a good old tup’ny—try one of mine,”
+and he handed me a cigar as long as it was strong, which is saying a good
+deal.
+
+AUGUST 20.—I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, though clouded
+overhead.  We went over to Cummings’ (at Margate) in the evening, and as
+it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual,
+overstepping the mark.  He suggested we should play “Cutlets,” a game we
+never heard of.  He sat on a chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap,
+an invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined.
+
+After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing’s knees and Carrie sat
+on the edge of mine.  Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie’s lap, then
+Cummings on Lupin’s, and Mrs. Cummings on her husband’s.  We looked very
+ridiculous, and laughed a good deal.
+
+Gowing then said: “Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?”  We had to
+answer all together: “Yes—oh, yes!” (three times).  Gowing said: “So am
+I,” and suddenly got up.  The result of this stupid joke was that we all
+fell on the ground, and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of
+the fender.  Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this we
+missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs, which cost
+me seven-and-sixpence.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+Home again.  Mrs. James’ influence on Carrie.  Can get nothing for Lupin.
+Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome.  Some one tampers with my
+diary.  Got a place for Lupin.  Lupin startles us with an announcement.
+
+AUGUST 22.—Home sweet Home again!  Carrie bought some pretty blue-wool
+mats to stand vases on.  Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say they are
+sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin.
+
+AUGUST 23.—I bought a pair of stags’ heads made of plaster-of-Paris and
+coloured brown.  They will look just the thing for our little hall, and
+give it style; the heads are excellent imitations.  Poolers and Smith are
+sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.
+
+AUGUST 24.—Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful for him, as
+he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up from Sutton and
+spend two or three days with us.  We have not said a word to Lupin, but
+mean to keep it as a surprise.
+
+AUGUST 25.—Mrs. James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringing with
+her an enormous bunch of wild flowers.  The more I see of Mrs. James the
+nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie.  She went into
+Carrie’s room to take off her bonnet, and remained there nearly an hour
+talking about dress.  Lupin said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs.
+James’ _visit_, but was surprised at _her_.
+
+AUGUST 26, Sunday.—Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having talked
+considerably about what to wear all the morning.  Lupin does not seem to
+get on very well with Mrs. James.  I am afraid we shall have some trouble
+with our next-door neighbours who came in last Wednesday.  Several of
+their friends, who drive up in dog-carts, have already made themselves
+objectionable.
+
+An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, and
+while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit I
+have), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an American,
+commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about “_I had thirteen dollars in
+my waistcoat pocket_.”  I fancied it was meant for me, and my suspicions
+were confirmed; for while walking round the garden in my tall hat this
+afternoon, a “throw-down” cracker was deliberately aimed at my hat, and
+exploded on it like a percussion cap.  I turned sharply, and am positive
+I saw the man who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroom
+windows.
+
+AUGUST 27.—Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had not returned
+when I came back from the office.  Judging from the subsequent
+conversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie’s head with a lot
+of nonsense about dress.  I walked over to Gowing’s and asked him to drop
+in to supper, and make things pleasant.
+
+Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of the remainder
+of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse, in
+case there was not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and custards.
+There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on the sideboard.
+Mrs. James made us play rather a good game of cards, called “Muggings.”
+To my surprise, in fact disgust, Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a
+most sarcastic tone, said: “Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for
+me, I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the back-garden.”
+
+Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (who seems to
+have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games.  Lupin said:
+“Let’s play ‘monkeys.’”  He then led Gowing all round the room, and
+brought him in front of the looking-glass.  I must confess I laughed
+heartily at this.  I was a little vexed at everybody subsequently
+laughing at some joke which they did not explain, and it was only on
+going to bed I discovered I must have been walking about all the evening
+with an antimacassar on one button of my coat-tails.
+
+AUGUST 28.—Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently
+come from next door.  Pattles and Pattles can’t find a place for Lupin.
+
+AUGUST 29.—Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie.  Carrie
+appeared in a new dress like a smock-frock.  She said “smocking” was all
+the rage.  I replied it put me in a rage.  She also had on a hat as big
+as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape.  Mrs. James went home, and
+both Lupin and I were somewhat pleased—the first time we have agreed on a
+single subject since his return.  Merkins and Son write they have no
+vacancy for Lupin.
+
+OCTOBER 30.—I should very much like to know who has wilfully torn the
+last five or six weeks out of my diary.  It is perfectly monstrous!  Mine
+is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the record of my
+everyday events, and in keeping up that record I take (with much pride) a
+great deal of pains.
+
+I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it.  She replied it was my own
+fault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning and the
+sweeps in the house.  I said that was not an answer to my question.  This
+retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, would have been more
+effective had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarily
+placed in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it.
+
+Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a pair of
+vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding-day by Mrs.
+Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie’s cousins, the Pommertons, late of
+Dalston.  I called to Sarah, and asked her about the diary.  She said she
+had not been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs.
+Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fire
+herself.  Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I examined it, and
+found it was a piece of my diary.  So it was evident some one had torn my
+diary to light the fire.  I requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me
+to-morrow.
+
+OCTOBER 31.—Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, saying
+that he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin.  This,
+in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for I am
+bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the record of
+disappointing answers received from people to whom I have applied for
+appointments for Lupin.  Mrs. Birrell called, and, in reply to me, said:
+“She never _see_ no book, much less take such a liberty as _touch_ it.”
+
+I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said she
+would do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep lighting the
+fire with a bit of the _Echo_.  I requested the sweep to be sent to me
+to-morrow.  I wish Carrie had not given Lupin a latch-key; we never seem
+to see anything of him.  I sat up till past one for him, and then retired
+tired.
+
+NOVEMBER 1.—My entry yesterday about “retired tired,” which I did not
+notice at the time, is rather funny.  If I were not so worried just now,
+I might have had a little joke about it.  The sweep called, but had the
+audacity to come up to the hall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot on
+the door-step.  He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him.  He
+said Sarah lighted the fire.  Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she
+was dusting the banisters, and she ran down, and flew into a temper with
+the sweep, causing a row on the front door-steps, which I would not have
+had happen for anything.  I ordered her about her business, and told the
+sweep I was sorry to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps
+were covered with soot in consequence of his visit.  I would willingly
+give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary.
+
+NOVEMBER 2.—I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I
+never tire.  We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on “Is
+Marriage a Failure?”  It has been no failure in our case.  In talking
+over our own happy experiences, we never noticed that it was past
+midnight.  We were startled by hearing the door slam violently.  Lupin
+had come in.  He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, or
+even to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed,
+making a terrible noise.  I asked him to come down for a moment, and he
+begged to be excused, as he was “dead beat,” an observation that was
+scarcely consistent with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour
+afterwards, he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, “See
+me dance the polka!” or some such nonsense.
+
+NOVEMBER 3.—Good news at last.  Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment for
+Lupin, and he is to go and see about it on Monday.  Oh, how my mind is
+relieved!  I went to Lupin’s room to take the good news to him, but he
+was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep it over till the evening.
+
+He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur Dramatic
+Club, called the “Holloway Comedians”; and, though it was a pleasant
+evening, he had sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in the head.  He
+declined to have any breakfast, so I left him.   In the evening I had up
+a special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a wonder, we filled our
+glasses, and I said: “Lupin my boy, I have some good and unexpected news
+for you.  Mr. Perkupp has procured you an appointment!”  Lupin said:
+“Good biz!” and we drained our glasses.
+
+Lupin then said: “Fill up the glasses again, for I have some good and
+unexpected news for you.”
+
+I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she said:
+“I hope we shall think it good news.”
+
+Lupin said: “Oh, it’s all right!  _I’m engaged to be married_!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation.  Lupin’s new berth.  Fireworks
+at the Cummings’.  The “Holloway Comedians.”  Sarah quarrels with the
+charwoman.  Lupin’s uncalled-for interference.  Am introduced to Daisy
+Mutlar.  We decide to give a party in her honour.
+
+NOVEMBER 5, Sunday.—Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy Lupin
+getting engaged to be married without consulting us or anything.  After
+dinner he told us all about it.  He said the lady’s name was Daisy
+Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most accomplished girl he
+ever met.  He loved her the moment he saw her, and if he had to wait
+fifty years he would wait, and he knew she would wait for him.
+
+Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a different
+world to him now,—it was a world worth living in.  He lived with an
+object now, and that was to make Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Pooter, and he would
+guarantee she would not disgrace the family of the Pooters.  Carrie here
+burst out crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and in doing so,
+upset the glass of port he held in his hand all over his new light
+trousers.
+
+I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her, but
+Carrie said she loved her already.  I thought this rather premature, but
+held my tongue.  Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of conversation for the
+remainder of the day.  I asked Lupin who her people were, and he replied:
+“Oh, you know Mutlar, Williams and Watts.”  I did not know, but refrained
+from asking any further questions at present, for fear of irritating
+Lupin.
+
+NOVEMBER 6.—Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long conversation
+with Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which was that he accepted
+a clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock and Share
+Brokers.  Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising firm, and he
+did not think much of it.  I replied: “Beggars should not be choosers;”
+and I will do Lupin the justice to say, he looked rather ashamed of
+himself.
+
+In the evening we went round to the Cummings’, to have a few fireworks.
+It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull.  One of my squibs would
+not go off, and Gowing said: “Hit it on your boot, boy; it will go off
+then.”  I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot, and it went off
+with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers rather badly.  I gave the
+rest of the squibs to the little Cummings’ boy to let off.
+
+Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse on my
+head.  Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake in the ground
+by way of a grand finale.  He made a great fuss about it; said it cost
+seven shillings.  There was a little difficulty in getting it alight.  At
+last it went off; but after a couple of slow revolutions it stopped.  I
+had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send it round, and,
+unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to the grass.  Anybody would have
+thought I had set the house on fire from the way in which they stormed at
+me.  I will never join in any more firework parties.  It is a ridiculous
+waste of time and money.
+
+NOVEMBER 7.—Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie said
+she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first.  I agreed with
+Carrie, and this led to an argument.  However, the matter was settled by
+Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, and we must get some
+more printed, and when they were finished would be quite time enough to
+discuss the etiquette of calling.
+
+NOVEMBER 8.—I ordered some of our cards at Black’s, the stationers.  I
+ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long time.  In
+the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss Mutlar’s brother.  He
+was rather a gawky youth, and Lupin said he was the most popular and best
+amateur in the club, referring to the “Holloway Comedians.”  Lupin
+whispered to us that if we could only “draw out” Harry a bit, he would
+make us roar with laughter.
+
+At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things.  He took up a knife,
+and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek in a wonderful
+manner.  He also gave an imitation of an old man with no teeth, smoking a
+big cigar.  The way he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits.
+
+In the course of conversation, Daisy’s name cropped up, and young Mutlar
+said he would bring his sister round to us one evening—his parents being
+rather old-fashioned, and not going out much.  Carrie said we would get
+up a little special party.  As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go,
+and it was approaching eleven o’clock, as a hint I reminded Lupin that he
+had to be up early to-morrow.  Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began a
+series of comic imitations.  He went on for an hour without cessation.
+Poor Carrie could scarcely keep her eyes open.  At last she made an
+excuse, and said “Good-night.”
+
+Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hall
+something about the “Holloway Comedians,” and to my disgust, although it
+was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went out with his
+new companion.
+
+NOVEMBER 9.—My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out of my diary
+still fruitless.  Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we see little
+of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal times.  Cummings
+dropped in.
+
+NOVEMBER 10.—Lupin seems to like his new berth—that’s a comfort.  Daisy
+Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea.  Carrie almost as full
+of it as Lupin.  Lupin informs me, to my disgust, that he has been
+persuaded to take part in the forthcoming performance of the “Holloway
+Comedians.”  He says he is to play Bob Britches in the farce, _Gone to my
+Uncle’s_; Frank Mutlar is going to play old Musty.  I told Lupin pretty
+plainly I was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and
+totally disapproved of amateur theatricals.  Gowing came in the evening.
+
+NOVEMBER 11.—Returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful
+uproar, Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her
+bedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying.  Mrs. Birrell (the
+charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of
+her voice that she was “no thief, that she was a respectable woman, who
+had to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone’s face who
+put lies into her mouth.”  Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hear
+me come in.  He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say,
+in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong
+language in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to hear
+him say: “And all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a rotten
+diary that wouldn’t fetch three-halfpence a pound!”  I said, quietly:
+“Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of
+this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins.”
+
+I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused Mrs.
+Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen fat
+and leavings which she had taken out of the house last week.  Mrs.
+Birrell had slapped Sarah’s face, and said she had taken nothing out of
+the place, as there was “never no leavings to take.”  I ordered Sarah
+back to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go home.  When I entered
+the parlour Lupin was kicking his legs in the air, and roaring with
+laughter.
+
+NOVEMBER 12, Sunday.—Coming home from church Carrie and I met Lupin,
+Daisy Mutlar, and her brother.  Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked
+home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar.  We asked them in for
+a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future daughter-in-law.  My
+heart quite sank.  She is a big young woman, and I should think at least
+eight years older than Lupin.  I did not even think her good-looking.
+Carrie asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother
+to meet a few friends.  She replied that she would only be too pleased.
+
+NOVEMBER 13.—Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr.
+and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook.  I wrote a note to Mr.
+Franching, of Peckham.  Carrie said we may as well make it a nice affair,
+and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp?  I said I feared we were not
+quite grand enough for him.  Carrie said there was “no offence in asking
+him.”  I said: “Certainly not,” and I wrote him a letter.  Carrie
+confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlar’s appearance,
+but thought she seemed a nice girl.
+
+NOVEMBER 14.—Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand little
+party for to-morrow.  Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shall keep,
+wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could get away, he
+would come up to Holloway for an hour.  Carrie was busy all day, making
+little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies.  She said she felt quite
+nervous about her responsibilities to-morrow evening.  We decided to have
+some light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham,
+and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and a
+Paysandu tongue—for the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked.
+
+Gowing called to know if he was to put on “swallow-tails” to-morrow.
+Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr. Franching was coming,
+and there was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an appearance.
+
+Gowing said: “Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not worn my
+dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases pressed
+out.”
+
+After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy
+Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact,
+disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friend
+Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a green-grocer
+engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took him for one.
+
+I fairly lost my temper, and said: “Lupin, allow me to tell you Miss
+Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England.  I gave you credit for more
+wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an engagement with a
+woman considerably older than yourself.  I advise you to think of earning
+your living before entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have to
+support, and, in all probability, her brother also, who appeared to be
+nothing but a loafer.”
+
+Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped up
+and said: “If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me.  I will
+leave the house and never darken your doors again.”
+
+He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door.  But it was all right.
+He came back to supper, and we played Bézique till nearly twelve o’clock.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+Our first important Party.  Old Friends and New Friends.  Gowing is a
+little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite
+amusing.  Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind and
+complimentary.  Party a great success.
+
+NOVEMBER 15.—A red-letter day.  Our first important party since we have
+been in this house.  I got home early from the City.  Lupin insisted on
+having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne.  I think this
+an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece of luck, having
+made three pounds out a private deal in the City.  I hope he won’t gamble
+in his new situation.  The supper-room looked so nice, and Carrie truly
+said: “We need not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he
+honour us by coming.”
+
+I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight o’clock,
+and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much too short.
+
+Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my wearing
+ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.
+
+I replied satirically: “My dear son, I have lived to be above that sort
+of thing.”
+
+Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man generally was above his
+boots.”
+
+This may be funny, or it may _not_; but I was gratified to find he had
+not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs.  Carrie looked a
+picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House.  The
+arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent.  Carrie had hung muslin
+curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for
+we had removed the door from its hinges.
+
+Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict
+orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one was
+empty.  Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed on the
+drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses.  By-the-by, our new enlarged
+and tinted photographs look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie
+has arranged some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them.
+
+The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted me with:
+“Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!”
+
+I simply said: “Very likely, and you will find my temper ‘_short_’ also.”
+
+He said: “That won’t make your trousers longer, Juggins.  You should get
+your missus to put a flounce on them.”
+
+I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my diary.
+
+The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings.  The former said: “As you
+didn’t say anything about dress, I have come ‘half dress.’”  He had on a
+black frock-coat and white tie.  The James’, Mr. Merton, and Mr.
+Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable till his Daisy
+Mutlar and Frank arrived.
+
+Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’s appearance.  She had a
+bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck.  I do not think such a
+style modest.  She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered
+her shoulders with a little lace.  Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg and his
+four daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two of Lupin’s new
+friends, members of the “Holloway Comedians.”  Some of these seemed
+rather theatrical in their manner, especially one, who was posing all the
+evening, and leant on our little round table and cracked it.  Lupin
+called him “our Henry,” and said he was “our lead at the H.C.’s,” and was
+quite as good in that department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy
+merchant.  All this is Greek to me.
+
+We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy’s side for a moment,
+raved over her singing of a song, called “Some Day.”  It seemed a pretty
+song, but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so out of tune, I
+would not have asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her sing four
+songs right off, one after the other.
+
+At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing and
+Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for a month.
+I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp should come by
+mere chance.  Gowing annoyed me very much by filling a large tumbler of
+champagne, and drinking it straight off.  He repeated this action, and
+made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out.  I tried to
+keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it, and took it to the
+side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar.
+
+We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking.  Carrie put a
+stop to that at once.  Stillbrook amused us with a song, “What have you
+done with your Cousin John?”  I did not notice that Lupin and Frank had
+disappeared.  I asked Mr. Watson, one of the Holloways, where they were,
+and he said: “It’s a case of ‘Oh, what a surprise!’”
+
+We were directed to form a circle—which we did.  Watson then said: “I
+have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated Blondin Donkey.”  Frank
+and Lupin then bounded into the room.  Lupin had whitened his face like a
+clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large hearthrug.  He was
+supposed to be the donkey, and he looked it.  They indulged in a very
+noisy pantomime, and we were all shrieking with laughter.
+
+I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perkupp standing half-way in
+the door, he having arrived without our knowing it.  I beckoned to
+Carrie, and we went up to him at once.  He would not come right into the
+room.  I apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh, it seems
+amusing.”  I could see he was not a bit amused.
+
+Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck.  There was
+not a glass of champagne left—not even a sandwich.  Mr. Perkupp said he
+required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer or soda water.  The
+last syphon was empty.  Carrie said: “We have plenty of port wine left.”
+Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile: “No, thank you.  I really require
+nothing, but I am most pleased to see you and your husband in your own
+home.  Good-night, Mrs. Pooter—you will excuse my very short stay, I
+know.”  I went with him to his carriage, and he said: “Don’t trouble to
+come to the office till twelve to-morrow.”
+
+I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie I
+thought the party was a failure.  Carrie said it was a great success, and
+I was only tired, and insisted on my having some port myself.  I drank
+two glasses, and felt much better, and we went into the drawing-room,
+where they had commenced dancing.  Carrie and I had a little dance, which
+I said reminded me of old days.  She said I was a spooney old thing.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+Reflections.  I make another Good Joke.  Am annoyed at the constant
+serving-up of the “Blanc-Mange.”  Lupin expresses his opinion of
+Weddings.  Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar.
+
+NOVEMBER 16.—Woke about twenty times during the night, with terrible
+thirst.  Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well as half that
+in the jug.  Kept dreaming also, that last night’s party was a failure,
+and that a lot of low people came without invitation, and kept chaffing
+and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp, till at last I was obliged to hide
+him in the box-room (which we had just discovered), with a bath-towel
+over him.  It seems absurd now, but it was painfully real in the dream.
+I had the same dream about a dozen times.
+
+Carrie annoyed me by saying: “You know champagne never agrees with you.”
+I told her I had only a couple of glasses of it, having kept myself
+entirely to port.  I added that good champagne hurt nobody, and Lupin
+told me he had only got it from a traveller as a favour, as that
+particular brand had been entirely bought up by a West-End club.
+
+I think I ate too heartily of the “side dishes,” as the waiter called
+them.  I said to Carrie: “I wish I had put those ‘side dishes’ _aside_.”
+I repeated this, but Carrie was busy, packing up the teaspoons we had
+borrowed of Mrs. Cummings for the party.  It was just half-past eleven,
+and I was starting for the office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow
+complexion, and said: “Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you this
+morning?”  I told him he might just as well speak to me in Dutch.  He
+added: “When I woke this morning, my head was as big as Baldwin’s
+balloon.”  On the spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I
+have ever said; viz.: “Perhaps that accounts for the para_shooting_
+pains.”  We roared.
+
+NOVEMBER 17.—Still feel tired and headachy!  In the evening Gowing
+called, and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday.  He said
+everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously.
+Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never know how
+long it will last.  For instance, he stopped to supper, and seeing some
+_blanc-mange_ on the table, shouted out, while the servant was in the
+room: “Hulloh!  The remains of Wednesday?”
+
+NOVEMBER 18.—Woke up quite fresh after a good night’s rest, and feel
+quite myself again.  I am satisfied a life of going-out and Society is
+not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation which we received
+this morning to Miss Bird’s wedding.  We only met her twice at Mrs.
+James’, and it means a present.  Lupin said: “I am with you for once.  To
+my mind a wedding’s a very poor play.  There are only two parts in it—the
+bride and bridegroom.  The best man is only a walking gentleman.  With
+the exception of a crying father and a snivelling mother, the rest are
+_supers_ who have to dress well and have to _pay_ for their insignificant
+parts in the shape of costly presents.”  I did not care for the
+theatrical slang, but thought it clever, though disrespectful.
+
+I told Sarah not to bring up the _blanc-mange_ again for breakfast.  It
+seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday.
+Cummings came round in the evening, and congratulated us on the success
+of our party.  He said it was the best party he had been to for many a
+year; but he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as he would
+have turned up in his swallow-tails.  We sat down to a quiet game of
+dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lupin and Frank
+Mutlar.  Cummings and I asked them to join us.  Lupin said he did not
+care for dominoes, and suggested a game of “Spoof.”  On my asking if it
+required counters, Frank and Lupin in measured time said: “One, two,
+three; go!  Have you an estate in Greenland?”  It was simply Greek to me,
+but it appears it is one of the customs of the “Holloway Comedians” to do
+this when a member displays ignorance.
+
+In spite of my instructions, that _blanc-mange_ was brought up again for
+supper.  To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to disguise it,
+by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it.  Carrie asked Lupin if
+he would have some, and he replied: “No second-hand goods for me, thank
+you.”  I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that _blanc-mange_ were
+placed on the table again I should walk out of the house.
+
+NOVEMBER 19, Sunday.—A delightfully quiet day.  In the afternoon Lupin
+was off to spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars.  He departed in
+the best of spirits, and Carrie said: “Well, one advantage of Lupin’s
+engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems happy all day long.  That
+quite reconciles me to what I must confess seems an imprudent
+engagement.”
+
+Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed that
+it did not always follow that an early engagement meant an unhappy
+marriage.  Dear Carrie reminded me that we married early, and, with the
+exception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had never had a really
+serious word.  I could not help thinking (as I told her) that half the
+pleasures of life were derived from the little struggles and small
+privations that one had to endure at the beginning of one’s married life.
+Such struggles were generally occasioned by want of means, and often
+helped to make loving couples stand together all the firmer.
+
+Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I was quite
+a philosopher.
+
+We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered by Carrie’s
+little compliment.  I don’t pretend to be able to express myself in fine
+language, but I feel I have the power of expressing my thoughts with
+simplicity and lucidness.  About nine o’clock, to our surprise, Lupin
+entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I must
+say seemed rather theatrical, said: “Have you any brandy?”  I said: “No;
+but here is some whisky.”  Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful without
+water, to my horror.
+
+We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I rose to
+go to bed.  Carrie said to Lupin: “I hope Daisy is well?”
+
+Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from the
+“Holloway Comedians,” replied: “Oh, Daisy?  You mean Miss Mutlar.  I
+don’t know whether she is well or not, but please _never to mention her
+name again in my presence_.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+We have a dose of Irving imitations.  Make the acquaintance of a Mr.
+Padge.  Don’t care for him.  Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance.
+
+NOVEMBER 20.—Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day.  Bought a cheap
+address-book.  I spent the evening copying in the names and addresses of
+my friends and acquaintances.  Left out the Mutlars of course.
+
+NOVEMBER 21.—Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening.  He asked
+for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mind was
+theatrical and quite ineffective.  I said: “My boy, I have none, and I
+don’t think I should give it you if I had.”  Lupin said: “I’ll go where I
+can get some,” and walked out of the house.  Carrie took the boy’s part,
+and the rest of the evening was spent in a disagreeable discussion, in
+which the words “Daisy” and “Mutlar” must have occurred a thousand times.
+
+NOVEMBER 22.—Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening.  Lupin
+also came in, bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton—one of the
+“Holloway Comedians”—who was at our party the other night, and who
+cracked our little round table.  Happy to say Daisy Mutlar was never
+referred to.  The conversation was almost entirely monopolised by the
+young fellow Fosselton, who not only looked rather like Mr. Irving, but
+seemed to imagine that he _was_ the celebrated actor.  I must say he gave
+some capital imitations of him.  As he showed no signs of moving at
+supper time, I said: “If you like to stay, Mr. Fosselton, for our usual
+crust—pray do.”  He replied: “Oh! thanks; but please call me
+Burwin-Fosselton.  It is a double name.  There are lots of Fosseltons,
+but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.”
+
+He began doing the Irving business all through supper.  He sank so low
+down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the table, and
+twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and flashed a
+knife uncomfortably near Gowing’s face.  After supper he kept stretching
+out his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from plays
+which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over the fire-irons,
+making a hideous row—poor Carrie already having a bad headache.
+
+When he went, he said, to our surprise: “I will come to-morrow and bring
+my Irving make-up.”  Gowing and Cummings said they would like to see it
+and would come too.  I could not help thinking they might as well give a
+party at my house while they are about it.  However, as Carrie sensibly
+said: “Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy Mutlar
+business.”
+
+NOVEMBER 23.—In the evening, Cummings came early.  Gowing came a little
+later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I think, very
+vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all moustache.  Gowing
+never attempted any apology to either of us, but said Padge wanted to see
+the Irving business, to which Padge said: “That’s right,” and that is
+about all he _did_ say during the entire evening.  Lupin came in and
+seemed in much better spirits.  He had prepared a bit of a surprise.  Mr.
+Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him, but had gone upstairs to get
+ready.  In half-an-hour Lupin retired from the parlour, and returning in
+a few minutes, announced “Mr. Henry Irving.”
+
+I must say we were all astounded.  I never saw such a resemblance.  It
+was astonishing.  The only person who did not appear interested was the
+man Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puffing away at a foul
+pipe into the fireplace.  After some little time I said; “Why do actors
+always wear their hair so long?”  Carrie in a moment said, “Mr. Hare
+doesn’t wear long _hair_.”  How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton, who
+said, in a rather patronising kind of way, “The joke, Mrs. Pooter, is
+extremely appropriate, if not altogether new.”  Thinking this rather a
+snub, I said: “Mr. Fosselton, I fancy—”  He interrupted me by saying:
+“Mr. _Burwin_-Fosselton, if you please,” which made me quite forget what
+I was going to say to him.  During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again
+monopolised the conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I
+came to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of Irving.
+After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too boisterous over his
+Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat,
+dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of course, into Gowing’s neck and took a
+piece of flesh out.  Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who
+having declined our modest supper in order that he should not lose his
+comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the
+little misadventure.  I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said:
+“I suppose you would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing’s eye out?”
+to which Padge replied: “That’s right,” and laughed more than ever.  I
+think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we broke up, for Mr.
+Burwin-Fosselton said: “Good-night, Mr. Pooter.  I’m glad you like the
+imitation, I’ll bring _the other make-up to-morrow night_.”
+
+NOVEMBER 24.—I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief.  This is the
+second time I have done this during the last week.  I must be losing my
+memory.  Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I would have
+written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him I should be out this
+evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man who would come all the
+same.
+
+Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a little
+note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, which rather
+amused me.  He added that his neck was still painful.  Of course,
+Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, and imagine my utter
+disgust when that man Padge actually came again, and not even accompanied
+by Gowing.  I was exasperated, and said: “Mr. Padge, this is a
+_surprise_.”  Dear Carrie, fearing unpleasantness, said: “Oh! I suppose
+Mr. Padge has only come to see the other Irving make-up.”  Mr. Padge
+said: “That’s right,” and took the best chair again, from which he never
+moved the whole evening.
+
+My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an expensive
+guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter.  The Irving
+imitations and conversations occupied the whole evening, till I was sick
+of it.  Once we had a rather heated discussion, which was commenced by
+Cummings saying that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not
+only _like_ Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as _good_ or
+even _better_.  I ventured to remark that after all it was but an
+imitation of an original.
+
+Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the originals.  I
+made what I considered a very clever remark: “Without an original there
+can be no imitation.”  Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quite impertinently:
+“Don’t discuss me in my presence, if you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I
+should advise you to talk about what you understand;” to which that cad
+Padge replied: “That’s right.”  Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by
+suddenly saying: “I’ll be Ellen Terry.”  Dear Carrie’s imitation wasn’t a
+bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the disagreeable
+discussion passed off.  When they left, I very pointedly said to Mr.
+Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should be engaged to-morrow
+evening.
+
+NOVEMBER 25.—Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting last night’s
+Irving discussion.  I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knew little
+or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least interested in them
+and positively declined to be drawn into a discussion on the subject,
+even at the risk of its leading to a breach of friendship.  I never wrote
+a more determined letter.
+
+On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met near the
+Archway Daisy Mutlar.  My heart gave a leap.  I bowed rather stiffly, but
+she affected not to have seen me.  Very much annoyed in the evening by
+the laundress sending home an odd sock.  Sarah said she sent two pairs,
+and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were sent.  I spoke to
+Carrie about it, but she rather testily replied: “I am tired of speaking
+to her; you had better go and speak to her yourself.  She is outside.”  I
+did so, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent.
+
+Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to listen
+to the conversation, and interrupting, said: “Don’t waste the odd sock,
+old man; do an act of charity and give it to some poor man with only one
+leg.”  The laundress giggled like an idiot.  I was disgusted and walked
+upstairs for the purpose of pinning down my collar, as the button had
+come off the back of my shirt.
+
+When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic joke
+about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter.  I suppose I am
+losing my sense of humour.  I spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge.
+Gowing said he had met him only once before that evening.  He had been
+introduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) had “stood” a good dinner,
+Gowing wished to show him some little return.  Upon my word, Gowing’s
+coolness surpasses all belief.  Lupin came in before I could reply, and
+Gowing unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar.  Lupin shouted: “Mind
+your own business, sir!” and bounced out of the room, slamming the door.
+The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar.
+Oh dear!
+
+NOVEMBER 26, Sunday.—The curate preached a very good sermon to-day—very
+good indeed.  His appearance is never so impressive as our dear old
+vicar’s, but I am bound to say his sermons are much more impressive.  A
+rather annoying incident occurred, of which I must make mention.  Mrs.
+Fernlosse, who is quite a grand lady, living in one of those large houses
+in the Camden Road, stopped to speak to me after church, when we were all
+coming out.  I must say I felt flattered, for she is thought a good deal
+of.  I suppose she knew me through seeing me so often take round the
+plate, especially as she always occupies the corner seat of the pew.  She
+is a very influential lady, and may have had something of the utmost
+importance to say, but unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a strong
+gust of wind came and blew my hat off into the middle of the road.
+
+I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in recovering it.
+When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs. Fernlosse had walked on
+with some swell friends, and I felt I could not well approach her now,
+especially as my hat was smothered with mud.  I cannot say how
+disappointed I felt.
+
+In the evening (_Sunday_ evening of all others) I found an impertinent
+note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows:
+
+    “DEAR MR. POOTER,—Although your junior by perhaps some twenty or
+    thirty years—which is sufficient reason that you ought to have a
+    longer record of the things and ways in this miniature of a planet—I
+    feel it is just within the bounds of possibility that the wheels of
+    your life don’t travel so quickly round as those of the humble writer
+    of these lines.  The dandy horse of past days has been known to
+    overtake the _slow coach_.
+
+    “Do I make myself understood?
+
+    “Very well, then!  Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise you to accept the
+    _verb. sap_.  Acknowledge your defeat, and take your whipping
+    gracefully; for remember you threw down the glove, and I cannot claim
+    to be either mentally or physically a _coward_!
+
+    “_Revenons à nos moutons_.
+
+    “Our lives run in different grooves.  I live for MY ART—THE STAGE.
+    Your life is devoted to commercial pursuits—‘A life among Ledgers.’
+    My books are of different metal.  Your life in the City is
+    honourable, I admit.  _But how different_!  Cannot even you see the
+    ocean between us?  A channel that prevents the meeting of our brains
+    in harmonious accord.  Ah!  But _chaçun à son goût_.
+
+    “I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame.  I may crawl, I
+    may slip, I may even falter (we are all weak), but _reach the top
+    rung of the ladder I will_!!!  When there, my voice shall be heard,
+    for I will shout to the multitudes below: ‘_Vici_!’  For the present
+    I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, forsooth, save to a
+    party of friends, with here and there an enemy.
+
+    “But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, ‘What is the difference between the
+    amateur and the professional?’
+
+    “None!!!
+
+    “Stay!  Yes, there is a difference.  One is _paid_ for doing what the
+    other does as skilfully for _nothing_!
+
+    “But I will be _paid_, too!  For _I_, contrary to the wishes of my
+    family and friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as _my_
+    profession.  And when the _farce_ craze is over—and, _mark you_,
+    _that will be soon_—I will make my power known; for I feel—pardon my
+    apparent conceit—that there is no living man who can play the
+    hump-backed Richard as I _feel_ and _know_ I can.
+
+    “And _you_ will be the first to come round and bend your head in
+    submission.  There are many matters you may understand, but knowledge
+    of the fine art of acting is to you an _unknown quantity_.
+
+    “Pray let this discussion cease with this letter.  _Vale_!
+
+                                                              Yours truly,
+                                                       “BURWIN-FOSSELTON.”
+
+I was disgusted.  When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent
+letter, and said: “My boy, in that letter you can see the true character
+of your friend.”
+
+Lupin, to my surprise, said: “Oh yes.  He showed me the letter before he
+sent it.  I think he is right, and you ought to apologise.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary.  Lupin’s
+opinion of ’Xmas.  Lupin’s unfortunate engagement is on again.
+
+DECEMBER 17.—As I open my scribbling diary I find the words “Oxford
+Michaelmas Term ends.”  Why this should induce me to indulge in
+retrospective I don’t know, but it does.  The last few weeks of my diary
+are of minimum interest.  The breaking off of the engagement between
+Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a different being, and Carrie a
+rather depressing companion.  She was a little dull last Saturday, and I
+thought to cheer her up by reading some extracts from my diary; but she
+walked out of the room in the middle of the reading, without a word.  On
+her return, I said: “Did my diary bore you, darling?”
+
+She replied, to my surprise: “I really wasn’t listening, dear.  I was
+obliged to leave to give instructions to the laundress.  In consequence
+of some stuff she puts in the water, two more of Lupin’s coloured shirts
+have run and he says he won’t wear them.”
+
+I said: “Everything is Lupin.  It’s all Lupin, Lupin, Lupin.  There was
+not a single button on my shirt yesterday, but _I_ made no complaint.”
+
+Carrie simply replied: “You should do as all other men do, and wear
+studs.  In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons on the
+shirt-fronts.”
+
+I said: “I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none on.”
+
+Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in the
+evening, and Cummings never does.  I fear they don’t get on well with
+Lupin.
+
+DECEMBER 18.—Yesterday I was in a retrospective vein—to-day it is
+_prospective_.  I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds.  Lupin is
+perfectly intolerable over the Daisy Mutlar business.  He won’t say what
+is the cause of the breach.  He is evidently condemning her conduct, and
+yet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won’t hear a word against
+her.  So what is one to do?  Another thing which is disappointing to me
+is, that Carrie and Lupin take no interest whatever in my diary.
+
+I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day.  I said: “I was in
+hopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary would be an
+endless source of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of the chance of
+the remuneration which may accrue from its being published.”
+
+Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing.  Carrie was sorry for this, I
+could see, for she said: “I did not mean to be rude, dear Charlie; but
+truly I do not think your diary would sufficiently interest the public to
+be taken up by a publisher.”
+
+I replied: “I am sure it would prove quite as interesting as some of the
+ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately.  Besides, it’s
+the diary that makes the man.  Where would Evelyn and Pepys have been if
+it had not been for their diaries?”
+
+Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering tone,
+said: “If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., we might get a fair
+price from a butterman for it.”
+
+As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year will see the
+end of my diary.
+
+DECEMBER 19.—The annual invitation came to spend Christmas with Carrie’s
+mother—the usual family festive gathering to which we always look
+forward.  Lupin declined to go.  I was astounded, and expressed my
+surprise and disgust.  Lupin then obliged us with the following Radical
+speech: “I hate a family gathering at Christmas.  What does it mean?  Why
+someone says: ‘Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who was here last year,’ and
+we all begin to snivel.  Someone else says: ‘It’s two years since poor
+Aunt Liz used to sit in that corner.’  Then we all begin to snivel again.
+Then another gloomy relation says ‘Ah!  I wonder whose turn it will be
+next?’  Then we all snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much;
+and they don’t discover until _I_ get up that we have been seated
+thirteen at dinner.”
+
+DECEMBER 20.—Went to Smirksons’, the drapers, in the Strand, who this
+year have turned out everything in the shop and devoted the whole place
+to the sale of Christmas cards.  Shop crowded with people, who seemed to
+take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a hurried glance at them,
+throw them down again.  I remarked to one of the young persons serving,
+that carelessness appeared to be a disease with some purchasers.  The
+observation was scarcely out of my mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve
+caught against a large pile of expensive cards in boxes one on top of the
+other, and threw them down.  The manager came forward, looking very much
+annoyed, and picking up several cards from the ground, said to one of the
+assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me: “Put these amongst the
+sixpenny goods; they can’t be sold for a shilling now.”  The result was,
+I felt it my duty to buy some of these damaged cards.
+
+I had to buy more and pay more than intended.  Unfortunately I did not
+examine them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar card with a
+picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and the other white,
+and the words: “We wish Pa a Merry Christmas.”  I tore up the card and
+threw it away.  Carrie said the great disadvantage of going out in
+Society and increasing the number of our friends was, that we should have
+to send out nearly two dozen cards this year.
+
+DECEMBER 21.—To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we follow the
+example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early.  Most of
+the cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night.  I shall buy
+all future cards in the daytime.  Lupin (who, ever since he has had the
+appointment with a stock and share broker, does not seem over-scrupulous
+in his dealings) told me never to rub out the pencilled price on the
+backs of the cards.  I asked him why.  Lupin said: “Suppose your card is
+marked 9d.  Well, all you have to do is to pencil a 3—and a long
+down-stroke after it—in _front_ of the ninepence, and people will think
+you have given five times the price for it.”
+
+In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that
+behind the clouds the sun was shining.  He said: “Ugh! it never shines on
+me.”  I said: “Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about Daisy Mutlar.
+Don’t think of her any more.  You ought to congratulate yourself on
+having got off a very bad bargain.  Her notions are far too grand for our
+simple tastes.”  He jumped up and said: “I won’t allow one word to be
+uttered against her.  She’s worth the whole bunch of your friends put
+together, that inflated, sloping-head of a Perkupp included.”  I left the
+room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.
+
+DECEMBER 23.—I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; but as he
+seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured to ask him
+where he intended to spend his Christmas.  He replied: “Oh, most likely
+at the Mutlars’.”
+
+In wonderment, I said: “What! after your engagement has been broken off?”
+
+Lupin said: “Who said it is off?”
+
+I said: “You have given us both to understand—”
+
+He interrupted me by saying: “Well, never mind what I said.  _It is on
+again—there_!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+I receive an insulting Christmas card.  We spend a pleasant Christmas at
+Carrie’s mother’s.  A Mr. Moss is rather too free.  A boisterous evening,
+during which I am struck in the dark.  I receive an extraordinary letter
+from Mr. Mutlar, senior, respecting Lupin.  We miss drinking out the Old
+Year.
+
+DECEMBER 24.—I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to
+find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this
+morning.  I never insult people; why should they insult me?  The worst
+part of the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all my friends.
+The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised, being written
+sloping the wrong way.  I cannot think either Gowing or Cummings would do
+such a mean thing.  Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him;
+although I disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the offender.
+Mr. Franching would be above such an act; and I don’t think any of the
+Mutlars would descend to such a course.  I wonder if Pitt, that impudent
+clerk at the office, did it?  Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, or
+Burwin-Fosselton?  The writing is too good for the former.
+
+CHRISTMAS DAY.—We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a
+pleasant day at Carrie’s mother’s.  The country was quite nice and
+pleasant, although the roads were sloppy.  We dined in the middle of the
+day, just ten of us, and talked over old times.  If everybody had a nice,
+_un_interfering mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness
+there would be in the world.  Being all in good spirits, I proposed her
+health, and I made, I think, a very good speech.
+
+I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: “On an occasion like this—whether
+relatives, friends, or acquaintances,—we are all inspired with good
+feelings towards each other.  We are of one mind, and think only of love
+and friendship.  Those who have quarrelled with absent friends should
+kiss and make it up.  Those who happily have not fallen out, can kiss all
+the same.”
+
+I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must say I
+felt very flattered by the compliment.  That dear old Reverend John Panzy
+Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech, and said
+he should act on my suggestion respecting the kissing.  He then walked
+round the table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie.  Of course
+one did not object to this; but I was more than staggered when a young
+fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and who had scarcely spoken
+a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprig of misletoe, and
+exclaimed: “Hulloh!  I don’t see why I shouldn’t be on in this scene.”
+Before one could realise what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and
+the rest of the ladies.
+
+Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed; but it
+was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a moment as to the
+result.  I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said:
+“Oh, he’s not much more than a boy.”  I said that he had a very large
+moustache for a boy.  Carrie replied: “I didn’t say he was not a nice
+boy.”
+
+DECEMBER 26.—I did not sleep very well last night; I never do in a
+strange bed.  I feel a little indigestion, which one must expect at this
+time of the year.  Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening.  Lupin
+came in late.  He said he enjoyed his Christmas, and added: “I feel as
+fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only require a little more ‘oof’ to
+feel as fit as a £500 Stradivarius.”  I have long since given up trying
+to understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him to explain it.
+
+DECEMBER 27.—I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in
+to-morrow evening for a quiet game.  I was in hope the boy would
+volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them.  Instead of which, he said:
+“Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and Frank Mutlar
+to come.”  I said I could not think of doing such a thing.  Lupin said:
+“Then I will send a wire, and put off Daisy.”  I suggested that a
+post-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would not be
+so extravagant.
+
+Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent
+annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin.  She said: “Lupin, why
+do you object to Daisy meeting your father’s friends?  Is it because they
+are not good enough for her, or (which is equally possible) _she_ is not
+good enough for them?”  Lupin was dumbfounded, and could make no reply.
+When he left the room, I gave Carrie a kiss of approval.
+
+DECEMBER 28—Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his mother: “I
+have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and
+Cummings this evening.”  I felt very pleased with the boy for this.
+Carrie said, in reply: “I am glad you let me know in time, as I can turn
+over the cold leg of mutton, dress it with a little parsley, and no one
+will know it has been cut.”  She further said she would make a few
+custards, and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by the
+evening.
+
+Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had any
+personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings.  He replied: “Not in the
+least.  I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to
+his patronising ‘the three-and-six-one-price hat company,’ and wearing a
+reach-me-down frock-coat.  As for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket
+of Gowing’s—why, he resembles an itinerant photographer.”
+
+I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon Lupin, with
+a laugh, replied: “No, and it wasn’t much of a gentleman who made their
+coats.”
+
+We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very agreeable,
+especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she sang.  At supper,
+however, she said: “Can you make tee-to-tums with bread?” and she
+commenced rolling up pieces of bread, and twisting them round on the
+table.  I felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing.
+Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing bread-pills at
+each other.  Frank followed suit, and so did Cummings and Gowing, to my
+astonishment.  They then commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one
+piece catching me on the forehead, and making me blink.  I said: “Steady,
+please; steady!”  Frank jumped up and said: “Tum, tum; then the band
+played.”
+
+I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued the
+bread-battle.  Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the cold
+mutton, and threw it full in my face.  I looked daggers at Gowing, who
+replied: “I say, it’s no good trying to look indignant, with your hair
+full of parsley.”  I rose from the table, and insisted that a stop should
+be put to this foolery at once.  Frank Mutlar shouted: “Time, gentlemen,
+please! time!” and turned out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.
+
+I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received a hard
+intentional punch at the back of my head.  I said loudly: “Who did that?”
+There was no answer; so I repeated the question, with the same result.  I
+struck a match, and lighted the gas.  They were all talking and laughing,
+so I kept my own counsel; but, after they had gone, I said to Carrie;
+“The person who sent me that insulting post-card at Christmas was here
+to-night.”
+
+DECEMBER 29.—I had a most vivid dream last night.  I woke up, and on
+falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely.  I dreamt I
+heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent me the
+insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one who punched my
+head last night in the dark.  As fate would have it, Lupin, at breakfast,
+was reading extracts from a letter he had just received from Frank.
+
+I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing.  He
+did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing the
+Christmas card.  I detected a similarity in the writing, in spite of the
+attempted disguise.  I passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh.  I
+asked her what she was laughing at, and she said the card was never
+directed to me at all.  It was “L. Pooter,” not “C. Pooter.”  Lupin asked
+to look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh: “Oh
+yes, Guv., it’s meant for me.”
+
+I said: “Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards?”
+He replied: “Oh yes, and of _sending_ them, too.”
+
+In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much last
+night.  I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old friend, about
+the vicious punch last night.  He burst out laughing, and said: “Oh, it
+was _your head_, was it?  I know I accidentally hit something, but I
+thought it was a brick wall.”  I told him I felt hurt, in both senses of
+the expression.
+
+DECEMBER 30, Sunday.—Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars.  He
+seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: “I’m glad to see you so
+happy, Lupin.”  He answered: “Well, Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was
+obliged to take her old fool of a father down a peg.  What with his
+meanness over his cigars, his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing
+economy in turning down the gas if you only quit the room for a second,
+writing to one on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the
+last cake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each side of
+the fireplace, and his general ‘outside-halfpenny-‘bus-ness,’ I was
+compelled to let him have a bit of my mind.”  I said: “Lupin, you are not
+much more than a boy; I hope you won’t repent it.”
+
+DECEMBER 31.—The last day of the Old Year.  I received an extraordinary
+letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior.  He writes: “Dear Sir,—For a long time
+past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the important question,
+‘Who is the master of my own house?  Myself, or _your son_ Lupin?’
+Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I have been
+most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect that I am the
+master of it.  Under the circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid
+your son to enter my house again.  I am sorry, because it deprives me of
+the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly
+persons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with.”
+
+I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said nothing
+to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.
+
+A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but promised
+to be back to drink out the Old Year—a custom we have always observed.
+At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned, and the fog was fearful.
+As time was drawing close, I got out the spirits.  Carrie and I deciding
+on whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt like brandy.
+As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing to discuss.  Carrie,
+evidently vexed that Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all the same,
+and wanted me to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell.  I
+said I could decide it by the taste in a moment.  A silly and unnecessary
+argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it was a
+quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married life, we
+missed welcoming in the New Year.  Lupin got home at a quarter-past two,
+having got lost in the fog—so he said.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office.  I make two
+good jokes.  I get an enormous rise in my salary.  Lupin speculates
+successfully and starts a pony-trap.  Have to speak to Sarah.
+Extraordinary conduct of Gowing’s.
+
+JANUARY 1.—I had intended concluding my diary last week; but a most
+important event has happened, so I shall continue for a little while
+longer on the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year’s diary.  It
+had just struck half-past one, and I was on the point of leaving the
+office to have my dinner, when I received a message that Mr. Perkupp
+desired to see me at once.  I must confess that my heart commenced to
+beat and I had most serious misgivings.
+
+Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: “Take a seat, Mr.
+Pooter, I shall not be a moment.”
+
+I replied: “No, thank you, sir; I’ll stand.”
+
+I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite twenty
+minutes; but it seemed hours.  Mr. Perkupp at last got up himself.
+
+I said: “I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?”
+
+He replied: “Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope.”  What a weight off
+my mind!  My breath seemed to come back again in an instant.
+
+Mr. Perkupp said: “Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there will be
+some slight changes in the office.  You have been with us nearly
+twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during that period,
+we intend making a special promotion in your favour.  We have not quite
+decided how you will be placed; but in any case there will be a
+considerable increase in your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for
+me to say, you fully deserve.  I have an appointment at two; but you
+shall hear more to-morrow.”
+
+He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or thought
+to express a single word of grateful thanks to him.  I need not say how
+dear Carrie received this joyful news.  With perfect simplicity she said:
+“At last we shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back
+drawing-room, which we always wanted.”  I added: “Yes, and at last you
+shall have that little costume which you saw at Peter Robinson’s so
+cheap.”
+
+JANUARY 2.—I was in a great state of suspense all day at the office.  I
+did not like to worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, and
+mentioned yesterday that he would see me again to-day, I thought it
+better, perhaps, to go to him.  I knocked at his door, and on entering,
+Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh! it’s you, Mr. Pooter; do you want to see me?”  I
+said: “No, sir, I thought you wanted to see me!”  “Oh!” he replied, “I
+remember.  Well, I am very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.”
+
+JANUARY 3.—Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was not
+alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be at
+the office to-day.  In the evening, Lupin, who was busily engaged with a
+paper, said suddenly to me: “Do you know anything about _chalk pits_,
+Guv.?”  I said: “No, my boy, not that I’m aware of.”  Lupin said: “Well,
+I give you the tip; _chalk pits_ are as safe as Consols, and pay six per
+cent. at par.”  I said a rather neat thing, viz.: “They may be six per
+cent. at _par_, but your _pa_ has no money to invest.”  Carrie and I both
+roared with laughter.  Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the
+joke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued: “I give
+you the tip, that’s all—_chalk pits_!”  I said another funny thing: “Mind
+you don’t fall into them!”  Lupin put on a supercilious smile, and said:
+“Bravo!  Joe Miller.”
+
+JANUARY 4.—Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position would be
+that of one of the senior clerks.  I was more than overjoyed.  Mr.
+Perkupp added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary would be.
+This means another day’s anxiety; I don’t mind, for it is anxiety of the
+right sort.  That reminded me that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin
+about the letter I received from Mr. Mutlar, senr.  I broached the
+subject to Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie.  Lupin
+was riveted to the _Financial News_, as if he had been a born capitalist,
+and I said: “Pardon me a moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to
+the Mutlars’ any day this week?”
+
+Lupin answered: “I told you!  I cannot stand old Mutlar.”
+
+I said: “Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannot
+stand you!”
+
+Lupin said: “Well, I like his cheek in writing to _you_.  I’ll find out
+if his father is still alive, and I will write _him_ a note complaining
+of _his_ son, and I’ll state pretty clearly that his son is a blithering
+idiot!”
+
+I said: “Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence of your
+mother.”
+
+Lupin said: “I’m very sorry, but there is no other expression one can
+apply to him.  However, I’m determined not to enter his place again.”
+
+I said: “You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house.”
+
+Lupin replied: “Well, we won’t split straws—it’s all the same.  Daisy is
+a trump, and will wait for me ten years, if necessary.”
+
+JANUARY 5.—I can scarcely write the news.  Mr. Perkupp told me my salary
+would be raised £100!  I stood gaping for a moment unable to realise it.
+I annually get £10 rise, and I thought it might be £15 or even £20; but
+£100 surpasses all belief.  Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good
+fortune.  Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits.  I
+sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’s for a bottle of champagne, the
+same as we had before, “Jackson Frères.”  It was opened at supper, and I
+said to Lupin: “This is to celebrate some good news I have received
+to-day.”  Lupin replied: “Hooray, Guv.!  And I have some good news, also;
+a double event, eh?”  I said: “My boy, as a result of twenty-one years’
+industry and strict attention to the interests of my superiors in office,
+I have been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary of £100.”
+
+Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which brought
+in Sarah to see what the matter was.  Lupin ordered us to “fill up”
+again, and addressing us upstanding, said: “Having been in the firm of
+Job Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not having paid
+particular attention to the interests of my superiors in office, my
+Guv’nor, as a reward to me, allotted me £5 worth of shares in a really
+good thing.  The result is, to-day I have made £200.”  I said: “Lupin,
+you are joking.”  “No, Guv., it’s the good old truth; Job Cleanands _put
+me on to Chlorates_.”
+
+JANUARY 21.—I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap.
+I said: “Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous extravagance?”
+Lupin replied: “Well, one must get to the City somehow.  I’ve only hired
+it, and can give it up any time I like.”  I repeated my question: “Are
+you justified in this extravagance?”  He replied: “Look here, Guv.,
+excuse me saying so, but you’re a bit out of date.  It does not pay
+nowadays, fiddling about over small things.  I don’t mean anything
+personal, Guv’nor.  My boss says if I take his tip, and stick to big
+things, I can make big money!”  I said I thought the very idea of
+speculation most horrifying.  Lupin said “It is not speculation, it’s a
+dead cert.”  I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and
+cart; but he replied: “I made £200 in one day; now suppose I only make
+£200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, which is ridiculously
+low—why, that is £1,250 a year.  What’s a few pounds a week for a trap?”
+
+I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should feel
+glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsible for
+his own debts.  He answered: “My dear Guv., I promise you faithfully that
+I will never speculate with what I have not got.  I shall only go on Job
+Cleanands’ tips, and as he is in the ‘know’ it is pretty safe sailing.”
+I felt somewhat relieved.  Gowing called in the evening and, to my
+surprise, informed me that, as he had made £10 by one of Lupin’s tips, he
+intended asking us and the Cummings round next Saturday.  Carrie and I
+said we should be delighted.
+
+JANUARY 22.—I don’t generally lose my temper with servants; but I had to
+speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recently
+contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the breakfast
+things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on the carpet,
+eventually to be trodden in.  Sarah answered very rudely: “Oh, you are
+always complaining.”  I replied: “Indeed, I am not.  I spoke to you last
+week about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece of
+yellow soap on the heel of your boot.”  She said: “And you’re always
+grumbling about your breakfast.”  I said: “No, I am not; but I feel
+perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled
+egg.  The moment I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, and I
+have spoken to you at least fifty times about it.”  She began to cry and
+make a scene; but fortunately my ’bus came by, so I had a good excuse for
+leaving her.  Gowing left a message in the evening, that we were not to
+forget next Saturday.  Carrie amusingly said: “As he has never asked any
+friends before, we are not likely to forget it.”
+
+JANUARY 23.—I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes, he recently
+made me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser tells me I
+ought not to brush my hair too much just now.
+
+JANUARY 24.—The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room.
+Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side.  It
+is an immense improvement to the room.
+
+JANUARY 25.—We had just finished our tea, when who should come in but
+Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks.  I noticed that he
+looked anything but well, so I said: “Well, Cummings, how are you?  You
+look a little blue.”  He replied: “Yes! and I feel blue too.”  I said:
+“Why, what’s the matter?”  He said: “Oh, nothing, except that I have been
+on my back for a couple of weeks, that’s all.  At one time my doctor
+nearly gave me up, yet not a soul has come near me.  No one has even
+taken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or dead.”
+
+I said: “This is the first I have heard of it.  I have passed your house
+several nights, and presumed you had company, as the rooms were so
+brilliantly lighted.”
+
+Cummings replied: “No!  The only company I have had was my wife, the
+doctor, and the landlady—the last-named having turned out a perfect
+trump.  I wonder you did not see it in the paper.  I know it was
+mentioned in the _Bicycle News_.”
+
+I thought to cheer him up, and said: “Well, you are all right now?”
+
+He replied: “That’s not the question.  The question is whether an illness
+does not enable you to discover who are your _true_ friends.”
+
+I said such an observation was unworthy of him.  To make matters worse,
+in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the back, and said:
+“Hulloh!  Have you seen a ghost?  You look scared to death, like Irving
+in _Macbeth_.”  I said: “Gently, Gowing, the poor fellow has been very
+ill.”  Gowing roared with laughter and said: “Yes, and you look it, too.”
+Cummings quietly said: “Yes, and I feel it too—not that I suppose you
+care.”
+
+An awkward silence followed.  Gowing said: “Never mind, Cummings, you and
+the missis come round to my place to-morrow, and it will cheer you up a
+bit; for we’ll open a bottle of wine.”
+
+JANUARY 26.—An extraordinary thing happened.  Carrie and I went round to
+Gowing’s, as arranged, at half-past seven.  We knocked and rang several
+times without getting an answer.  At last the latch was drawn and the
+door opened a little way, the chain still being up.  A man in
+shirt-sleeves put his head through and said: “Who is it?  What do you
+want?” I said: “Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us.”  The man said (as well
+as I could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog): “I don’t think he
+is.  Mr. Gowing is not at home.”  I said: “He will be in directly.”
+
+With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and me standing
+on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner.
+
+Carrie advised me to knock again.  I did so, and then discovered for the
+first time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the paint had
+come off on my gloves—which were, in consequence, completely spoiled.
+
+I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.
+
+The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and began
+abusing me.  He said: “What do you mean by scratching the paint with your
+stick like that, spoiling the varnish?  You ought to be ashamed of
+yourself.”
+
+I said: “Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited—”
+
+He interrupted and said: “I don’t care for Mr. Gowing, or any of his
+friends.  This is _my_ door, not Mr. Gowing’s.  There are people here
+besides Mr. Gowing.”
+
+The impertinence of this man was nothing.  I scarcely noticed it, it was
+so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing.
+
+At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived.  Cummings was very lame and
+leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what the matter was.
+
+The man said: “Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone.  All he
+said was he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and he should not
+be back till Monday evening.  He took his bag with him.”
+
+With that he slammed the door again.  I was too indignant with Gowing’s
+conduct to say anything.  Cummings looked white with rage, and as he
+descended the steps struck his stick violently on the ground and said:
+“Scoundrel!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+Gowing explains his conduct.  Lupin takes us for a drive, which we don’t
+enjoy.  Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.
+
+FEBRUARY 8.—It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages for breakfast.
+They are either full of bread or spice, or are as red as beef.  Still
+anxious about the £20 I invested last week by Lupin’s advice.  However,
+Cummings has done the same.
+
+FEBRUARY 9.—Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither seen nor
+heard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round
+to his house, and then being out.  In the evening Carrie was engaged
+marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased.  I’ll back Carrie’s
+marking against anybody’s.  While I was drying them at the fire, and
+Carrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in.
+
+He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the collars.  I
+asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied that he had not.  I
+said I should not have believed that Gowing could have acted in such an
+ungentlemanly manner.  Cummings said: “You are mild in your description
+of him; I think he has acted like a cad.”
+
+The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, and
+Gowing, putting in his head, said: “May I come in?”  I said: “Certainly.”
+Carrie said very pointedly: “Well, you _are_ a stranger.”  Gowing said:
+“Yes, I’ve been on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.”  I
+could see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackled Gowing
+very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday week.  Gowing appeared
+surprised, and said: “Why, I posted a letter to you in the morning
+announcing that the party was ‘off, very much off.’”  I said: “I never
+got it.”  Gowing, turning to Carrie, said: “I suppose letters sometimes
+_miscarry_, don’t they, _Mrs._ Carrie?”  Cummings sharply said: “This is
+not a time for joking.  I had no notice of the party being put off.”
+Gowing replied: “I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I was in a
+hurry.  However, I’ll inquire at the post-office, and we must meet again
+at my place.”  I added that I hoped he would be present at the next
+meeting.  Carrie roared at this, and even Cummings could not help
+laughing.
+
+FEBRUARY 10, Sunday.—Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin to
+persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his trap.  I
+quite disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust
+Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too.  Lupin said: “Now, that
+is nice of you, Guv., but you won’t mind sitting on the back-seat of the
+cart?”
+
+Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles too large
+for him.  Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the back.
+Lupin said: “Haven’t you seen a box-coat before?  You can’t drive in
+anything else.”
+
+He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive with him
+again.  His conduct was shocking.  When we passed Highgate Archway, he
+tried to pass everything and everybody.  He shouted to respectable people
+who were walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked at
+the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and, as I had
+to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of roughs in a
+donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned and followed us for
+nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say
+nothing of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel.
+
+Lupin’s excuse—that the Prince of Wales would have to put up with the
+same sort of thing if he drove to the Derby—was of little consolation to
+either Carrie or myself.  Frank Mutlar called in the evening, and Lupin
+went out with him.
+
+FEBRUARY 11.—Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered up
+courage to speak to Mr. Perkupp about him.  Mr. Perkupp has always been
+most kind to me, so I told him everything, including yesterday’s
+adventure.  Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: “There is no necessity for you to
+be anxious, Mr. Pooter.  It would be impossible for a son of such good
+parents to turn out erroneously.  Remember he is young, and will soon get
+older.  I wish we could find room for him in this firm.”  The advice of
+this good man takes loads off my mind.  In the evening Lupin came in.
+
+After our little supper, he said: “My dear parents, I have some news,
+which I fear will affect you considerably.”  I felt a qualm come over me,
+and said nothing.  Lupin then said: “It may distress you—in fact, I’m
+sure it will—but this afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for
+ever.”  It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a
+bottle of port.  Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing with him a
+large sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, which he fastened against
+the wall.  He then produced several separate tails, and we spent the
+remainder of the evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in the
+proper place.  My sides positively ached with laughter when I went to
+bed.
+
+FEBRUARY 12.—In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement with
+Daisy Mutlar.  I asked if he had heard from her.  He replied: “No; she
+promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would not
+communicate with me.  I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in fact, he said he
+might call again this evening.”  Frank called, but said he could not
+stop, as he had a friend waiting outside for him, named Murray Posh,
+adding he was quite a swell.  Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.
+
+He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time.  Mr. Murray Posh was
+a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervous disposition,
+as he subsequently confessed he would never go in a hansom cab, nor would
+he enter a four-wheeler until the driver had first got on the box with
+his reins in his hands.
+
+On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said: “Any
+relation to ‘Posh’s three-shilling hats’?”  Mr. Posh replied: “Yes; but
+please understand I don’t try on hats myself.  I take no _active_ part in
+the business.”  I replied: “I wish I had a business like it.”  Mr. Posh
+seemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of the
+extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap hats.
+
+Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the way he
+was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, laughingly: “If you
+don’t look out, Posh will cut you out!”  When they had all gone, I
+referred to this flippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: “A
+man who is jealous has no respect for himself.  A man who would be
+jealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have a contempt for
+himself.  I know Daisy.  She _would_ wait ten years for me, as I said
+before; in fact, if necessary, _she would wait twenty years for me_.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+We lose money over Lupin’s advice as to investment, so does Cummings.
+Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar.
+
+FEBRUARY 18.—Carrie has several times recently called attention to the
+thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it
+seen to.  I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a small
+hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edge of the chest of
+drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand and smashed it.  Carrie was
+in an awful way about it, as she is rather absurdly superstitious.  To
+make matters worse, my large photograph in the drawing-room fell during
+the night, and the glass cracked.
+
+Carrie said: “Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about to
+happen.”
+
+I said: “Nonsense, dear.”
+
+In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little agitated.  I
+said: “What’s up, my boy?”  He hesitated a good deal, and then said: “You
+know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to invest £20 in?”  I
+replied: “Yes, they are all right, I trust?”  He replied: “Well, no!  To
+the surprise of everybody, they have utterly collapsed.”
+
+My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing.  Carrie
+looked at me, and said: “What did I tell you?”  Lupin, after a while,
+said: “However, you are specially fortunate.  I received an early tip,
+and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to get £2 for them.  So
+you get something after all.”
+
+I gave a sigh of relief.  I said: “I was not so sanguine as to suppose,
+as you predicted, that I should get six or eight times the amount of my
+investment; still a profit of £2 is a good percentage for such a short
+time.”  Lupin said, quite irritably: “You don’t understand.  I sold your
+£20 shares for £2; you therefore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby
+Cummings and Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.”
+
+FEBRUARY 19.—Lupin, before going to town, said: “I am very sorry about
+those Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss, Job
+Cleanands, had been in town.  Between ourselves, you must not be
+surprised if something goes wrong at our office.  Job Cleanands has not
+been seen the last few days, and it strikes me several people _do_ want
+to see him very particularly.”
+
+In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a
+collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the room,
+without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, “May I come in?”
+
+He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be in the
+very best of spirits.  Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him,
+but he did so of his own accord.  He said: “I say, those Parachikka
+Chlorates have gone an awful smash!  You’re a nice one, Master Lupin.
+How much do you lose?”  Lupin, to my utter astonishment, said: “Oh!  I
+had nothing in them.  There was some informality in my application—I
+forgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn’t get any.  The
+Guv. loses £18.”  I said: “I quite understood you were in it, or nothing
+would have induced me to speculate.”  Lupin replied: “Well, it can’t be
+helped; you must go double on the next tip.”  Before I could reply,
+Gowing said: “Well, I lose nothing, fortunately.  From what I heard, I
+did not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my £15
+worth, as he had more faith in them than I had.”
+
+Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said: “Alas,
+poor Cummings.  He’ll lose £35.”  At that moment there was a ring at the
+bell.  Lupin said: “I don’t want to meet Cummings.”  If he had gone out
+of the door he would have met him in the passage, so as quickly as
+possible Lupin opened the parlour window and got out.  Gowing jumped up
+suddenly, exclaiming: “I don’t want to see him either!” and, before I
+could say a word, he followed Lupin out of the window.
+
+For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my most
+intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of
+interrupted burglars.  Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course was
+naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing.  I pressed him to have a
+little whisky, and he replied that he had given up whisky; but would like
+a little “Unsweetened,” as he was advised it was the most healthy spirit.
+I had none in the house, but sent Sarah round to Lockwood’s for some.
+
+FEBRUARY 20.—The first thing that caught my eye on opening the _Standard_
+was—“Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers!  Mr. Job Cleanands
+absconded!”  I handed it to Carrie, and she replied: “Oh! perhaps it’s
+for Lupin’s good.  I never did think it a suitable situation for him.”  I
+thought the whole affair very shocking.
+
+Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully distressed,
+I said: “We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorry for you.”
+Lupin said: “How did you know? who told you?”  I handed him the
+_Standard_.  He threw the paper down, and said: “Oh I don’t care a button
+for that!  I expected that, but I did not expect this.”  He then read a
+letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar
+is to be married next month to Murray Posh.  I exclaimed, “Murray Posh!
+Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring here last
+Tuesday week?”  Lupin said: “Yes; the ‘_Posh’s-three-shilling-hats_’
+chap.”
+
+We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.
+
+In fact, I could eat nothing.  I was not only too worried, but I cannot
+and will not eat cushion of bacon.  If I cannot get streaky bacon, I will
+do without anything.
+
+When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face.  I
+asked him what it meant.  He replied: “Oh! only a little
+consolation—still it is a consolation.  I have just remembered that, by
+_my_ advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested £600 in Parachikka Chlorates!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh.  The dream of my life realised.
+Mr. Perkupp takes Lupin into the office.
+
+MARCH 20.—To-day being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. Murray Posh
+are to be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at
+Gravesend.  Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, although he
+declares that he is glad it is off.  I wish he would not go to so many
+music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him about it.  At the
+present moment he irritates me by singing all over the house some
+nonsense about “What’s the matter with Gladstone?  He’s all right!
+What’s the matter with Lupin?  He’s all right!”  _I_ don’t think either
+of them is.  In the evening Gowing called, and the chief topic of
+conversation was Daisy’s marriage to Murray Posh.  I said: “I was glad
+the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin.”
+Gowing, with his usual good taste, said: “Oh, Master Lupin can make a
+fool of himself without any assistance.”  Carrie very properly resented
+this, and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.
+
+MARCH 21.—To-day I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of the happiest
+days of my life.  My great dream of the last few weeks—in fact, of many
+years—has been realised.  This morning came a letter from Mr. Perkupp,
+asking me to take Lupin down to the office with me.  I went to Lupin’s
+room; poor fellow, he seemed very pale, and said he had a bad headache.
+He had come back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spent part of the day
+in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough to neglect to take
+his overcoat with him.  I showed him Mr. Perkupp’s letter, and he got up
+as quickly as possible.  I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured
+clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking.
+
+Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she could
+keep on saying was: “Oh, I _do_ hope it will be all right.”  For myself,
+I could scarcely eat any breakfast.  Lupin came down dressed quietly, and
+looking a perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow.
+Carrie, by way of encouragement said: “You do look nice, Lupin.”  Lupin
+replied: “Yes, it’s a good make-up, isn’t it?  A
+regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior-
+clerk.”  He laughed rather ironically.
+
+In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah to
+fetch down his old hat.  I went into the passage, and found Lupin in a
+fury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat.  I said: “Lupin, my boy, what
+are you doing?  How wicked of you!  Some poor fellow would be glad to
+have it.”  Lupin replied: “I would not insult any poor fellow by giving
+it to him.”
+
+When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw inside
+“Posh’s Patent.”  Poor Lupin!  I can forgive him.  It seemed hours before
+we reached the office.  Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was with him
+nearly an hour.  He returned, as I thought, crestfallen in appearance.  I
+said: “Well, Lupin, how about Mr. Perkupp?”  Lupin commenced his song:
+“What’s the matter with Perkupp?  He’s all right!”  I felt instinctively
+my boy was engaged.  I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I could not speak.  He
+said: “Well, Mr. Pooter, what is it?”  I must have looked a fool, for all
+I could say was: “Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man.”  He looked at me for
+a moment, and said: “No, Mr. Pooter, _you_ are the good man; and we’ll
+see if we cannot get your son to follow such an excellent example.”  I
+said: “Mr. Perkupp, may I go home?  I cannot work any more to-day.”
+
+My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head.  It was as
+much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the ’bus; in fact, I
+should have done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin, who
+was having a quarrel with a fat man in the ’bus, whom he accused of
+taking up too much room.
+
+In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and his
+wife, and also to Gowing.  We all sat round the fire, and in a bottle of
+“Jackson Frères,” which Sarah fetched from the grocer’s, drank Lupin’s
+health.  I lay awake for hours, thinking of the future.  My boy in the
+same office as myself—we can go down together by the ’bus, come home
+together, and who knows but in the course of time he may take great
+interest in our little home.  That he may help me to put a nail in here
+or a nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture.  In the
+summer he may help us in our little garden with the flowers, and assist
+us to paint the stands and pots.  (By-the-by, I must get in some more
+enamel paint.)  All this I thought over and over again, and a thousand
+happy thoughts beside.  I heard the clock strike four, and soon after
+fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people—Lupin, dear Carrie, and
+myself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+Trouble with a stylographic pen.  We go to a Volunteer Ball, where I am
+let in for an expensive supper.  Grossly insulted by a cabman.  An odd
+invitation to Southend.
+
+APRIL 8.—No events of any importance, except that Gowing strongly
+recommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me
+nine-and-sixpence, and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the
+mud.  It has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper.
+The ink oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the
+office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the
+ink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: “Stop that
+knocking!  I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?”  That young monkey, Pitt,
+took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly: “No, sir; I beg pardon,
+it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all the morning.”  To
+make matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing behind his desk.  I thought it
+wiser to say nothing.  I took the pen back to the shop and asked them if
+they would take it back, as it did not act.  I did not expect the full
+price returned, but was willing to take half.  The man said he could not
+do that—buying and selling were two different things.  Lupin’s conduct
+during the period he has been in Mr. Perkupp’s office has been most
+exemplary.  My only fear is, it is too good to last.
+
+APRIL 9.—Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and
+myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought
+would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir William Grime)
+had promised his patronage.  We accepted of his kindness, and he stayed
+to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of the
+sparkling Algéra that Mr. James (of Sutton) had sent as a present.
+Gowing sipped the wine, observing that he had never tasted it before, and
+further remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised brands.
+I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and one mustn’t look a
+gift-horse in the mouth.  Gowing facetiously replied: “And he didn’t like
+putting it in the mouth either.”
+
+I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting it
+myself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for them.
+The sparkling Algéra is very like cider, only more sour.  I suggested
+that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid.  He merely replied:
+“Oh! I don’t think so.”  We had a very pleasant game of cards, though I
+lost four shillings and Carrie lost one, and Gowing said he had lost
+about sixpence: how he could have lost, considering that Carrie and I
+were the only other players, remains a mystery.
+
+APRIL 14, Sunday.—Owing, I presume, to the unsettled weather, I awoke
+with a feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum.
+Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, members of our
+congregation who had walked back with us, I was much annoyed to find a
+large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path, evidently thrown over
+by those young Griffin boys next door; who, whenever we have friends,
+climb up the empty steps inside their conservatory, tap at the windows,
+making faces, whistling, and imitating birds.
+
+APRIL 15.—Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce, through
+that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on
+the table.
+
+APRIL 16.—The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball.  On my advice,
+Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the
+Mansion House, for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr.
+Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary Artillery Company,
+would in all probability be present.  Lupin, in his usual
+incomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard it was a “bounders’
+ball.”  I didn’t ask him what he meant though I didn’t understand.  Where
+he gets these expressions from I don’t know; he certainly doesn’t learn
+them at home.
+
+The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived an
+hour later we should be in good time, without being “unfashionable,” as
+Mrs. James says.  It was very difficult to find—the cabman having to get
+down several times to inquire at different public-houses where the Drill
+Hall was.  I wonder at people living in such out-of-the-way places.  No
+one seemed to know it.  However, after going up and down a good many
+badly-lighted streets we arrived at our destination.  I had no idea it
+was so far from Holloway.  I gave the cabman five shillings, who only
+grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and was
+impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to take a
+’bus.
+
+Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that it was
+better late than never.  He seemed a very good-looking gentleman though,
+as Carrie remarked, “rather short for an officer.”  He begged to be
+excused for leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped we
+should make ourselves at home.  Carrie took my arm and we walked round
+the rooms two or three times and watched the people dancing.  I couldn’t
+find a single person I knew, but attributed it to most of them being in
+uniform.  As we were entering the supper-room I received a slap on the
+shoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the hand.  I said: “Mr. Padge, I
+believe;” he replied, “That’s right.”
+
+I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made herself at
+home with Carrie at once.
+
+There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne,
+claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless of
+expense.  Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular liking
+for, but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that I asked him
+to sit at our table, and I must say that for a short fat man he looked
+well in uniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the back.
+It was the only supper-room that I have been in that was not
+over-crowded; in fact we were the only people there, everybody being so
+busy dancing.
+
+I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said her name
+was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the bottle to Mr.
+Padge to do likewise, saying: “You must look after yourself.”  He
+replied: “That’s right,” and poured out half a tumbler and drank Carrie’s
+health, coupled, as he said, “with her worthy lord and master.”  We all
+had some splendid pigeon pie, and ices to follow.
+
+The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like some more
+wine.  I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also some people
+who had just come from the dancing-room, who were very civil.  It
+occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in
+the City, as they were so polite.  I made myself useful, and assisted
+several ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that “There is nothing
+lost by civility.”
+
+The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball-room.
+The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing, and
+as I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge offered his arms to them
+and escorted them to the ball-room, telling me to follow.  I said to Mr.
+Padge: “It is quite a West End affair,” to which remark Mr. Padge
+replied: “That’s right.”
+
+When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter who had
+been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on the shoulder.
+I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to expect a tip, but
+nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been very attentive.  He
+smilingly replied: “I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good,” alluding to
+the shilling.  “Your party’s had four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at
+1s., three bottles of champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a
+sixpenny cigar for the stout gentleman—in all £3 0s. 6d.!”
+
+I don’t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only sufficient
+breath to inform him that I had received a private invitation, to which
+he answered that he was perfectly well aware of that; but that the
+invitation didn’t include eatables and drinkables.  A gentleman who was
+standing at the bar corroborated the waiter’s statement, and assured me
+it was quite correct.
+
+The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any
+misapprehension; but it was not his fault.  Of course there was nothing
+to be done but to pay.  So, after turning out my pockets, I just managed
+to scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but the manager, on my
+giving my card to him, said: “That’s all right.”
+
+I don’t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I determined to
+keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would entirely destroy the
+pleasant evening she was enjoying.  I felt there was no more enjoyment
+for me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin.
+Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. Lupkin, as we were
+wishing her “Good-night,” asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit
+to Southend?  On my replying that I hadn’t been there for many years, she
+very kindly said: “Well, why don’t you come down and stay at our place?”
+As her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carrie wished to
+go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay till
+Monday.  Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow, giving us the
+address and particulars of trains, etc.
+
+When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that the roads
+resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty in
+getting a cabman to take us to Holloway.  After waiting a bit, a man said
+he would drive us, anyhow, as far as “The Angel,” at Islington, and we
+could easily get another cab from there.  It was a tedious journey; the
+rain was beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of the
+cab.
+
+When we arrived at “The Angel” the horse seemed tired out.  Carrie got
+out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay, to my absolute horror
+I remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie.  I explained to the cabman
+how we were situated.  Never in my life have I ever been so insulted; the
+cabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober, called me
+every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively seized me by the
+beard, which he pulled till the tears came into my eyes.  I took the
+number of a policeman (who witnessed the assault) for not taking the man
+in charge.  The policeman said he couldn’t interfere, that he had seen no
+assault, and that people should not ride in cabs without money.
+
+We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when I got
+in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word for word, as I
+intend writing to the _Telegraph_ for the purpose of proposing that cabs
+should be driven only by men under Government control, to prevent
+civilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage that I
+had had to endure.
+
+APRIL 17.—No water in our cistern again.  Sent for Putley, who said he
+would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc.
+
+APRIL 18.—Water all right again in the cistern.  Mrs. James, of Sutton,
+called in the afternoon.  She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the
+drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all over it,
+as Mrs. James says it’s quite the fashion.  It was Mrs. James’
+suggestion, and of course Carrie always does what Mrs. James suggests.
+For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece as it was; but there, I’m a
+plain man, and don’t pretend to be in the fashion.
+
+APRIL 19.—Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a rather
+offensive tone accused me, or “someone,” of boring a hole in his cistern
+and letting out his water to supply our cistern, which adjoined his.  He
+said he should have his repaired, and send us in the bill.
+
+APRIL 20.—Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying he had been
+on his back for a week.  It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom
+door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase, and unknown to
+him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had got between the
+door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the door hard, to give it
+an extra slam, the handle came off in his hands, and he fell backwards
+downstairs.
+
+On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed out
+of the room sideways.  Cummings looked very indignant, and remarked it
+was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and though I had my
+suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured Cummings that he had only
+run out to open the door to a friend he expected.  Cummings said this was
+the second time he had been laid up, and we had never sent to inquire.  I
+said I knew nothing about it.  Cummings said: “It was mentioned in the
+_Bicycle News_.”
+
+APRIL 22.—I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails a
+good deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, she
+replied: “Oh, I’m going in for manicuring.  It’s all the fashion now.”  I
+said: “I suppose Mrs. James introduced that into your head.”  Carrie
+laughingly replied: “Yes; but everyone does it now.”
+
+I wish Mrs. James wouldn’t come to the house.  Whenever she does she
+always introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie’s head.  One of
+these days I feel sure I shall tell her she’s not welcome.  I am sure it
+was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on dark slate-coloured paper
+with white ink.  Nonsense!
+
+APRIL 23.—Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the
+train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep our promise to stay
+with her.  The letter concluded: “You must come and stay at our house; we
+shall charge you half what you will have to pay at the Royal, and the
+view is every bit as good.”  Looking at the address at the top of the
+note-paper, I found it was “Lupkin’s Family and Commercial Hotel.”
+
+I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to “decline her kind
+invitation.”  Carrie thought this very satirical, and to the point.
+
+By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night.  I ordered
+a new suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards’, and chose the pattern by
+gaslight, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt mixture with
+white stripes down.  They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I
+found it was quite a flash-looking suit.  There was a lot of green with
+bright yellow-coloured stripes.
+
+I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling.  She said:
+“What mixture did you say you asked for?”
+
+I said: “A quiet pepper and salt.”
+
+Carrie said: “Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want to know the
+truth.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow.  We have a pleasant and quiet
+dinner at his uncle’s, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on my part
+respecting Mr. Finsworth’s pictures.  A discussion on dreams.
+
+APRIL 27.—Kept a little later than usual at the office, and as I was
+hurrying along a man stopped me, saying: “Hulloh!  That’s a face I know.”
+I replied politely: “Very likely; lots of people know me, although I may
+not know them.”  He replied: “But you know me—Teddy Finsworth.”  So it
+was.  He was at the same school with me.  I had not seen him for years
+and years.  No wonder I did not know him!  At school he was at least a
+head taller than I was; now I am at least a head taller than he is, and
+he has a thick beard, almost grey.  He insisted on my having a glass of
+wine (a thing I never do), and told me he lived at Middlesboro’, where he
+was Deputy Town Clerk, a position which was as high as the Town Clerk of
+London—in fact, higher.  He added that he was staying for a few days in
+London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul Finsworth (of Finsworth and
+Pultwell).  He said he was sure his uncle would be only too pleased to
+see me, and he had a nice house, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes’ walk
+from Muswell Hill Station.  I gave him our address, and we parted.
+
+In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter from
+Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would dine with them
+to-morrow (Sunday), at two o’clock, he would be delighted.  Carrie did
+not like to go; but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much we consented.
+Carrie sent Sarah round to the butcher’s and countermanded our half-leg
+of mutton, which we had ordered for to-morrow.
+
+APRIL 28, Sunday.—We found Watney Lodge farther off than we anticipated,
+and only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling hot and
+uncomfortable.  To make matters worse, a large collie dog pounced forward
+to receive us.  He barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie, covering her
+light skirt, which she was wearing for the first time, with mud.  Teddy
+Finsworth came out and drove the dog off and apologised.  We were shown
+into the drawing-room, which was beautifully decorated.  It was full of
+knick-knacks, and some plates hung up on the wall.  There were several
+little wooden milk-stools with paintings on them; also a white wooden
+banjo, painted by one of Mr. Paul Finsworth’s nieces—a cousin of Teddy’s.
+
+Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking elderly
+gentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie.  There were a great many
+water-colours hanging on the walls, mostly different views of India,
+which were very bright.  Mr. Finsworth said they were painted by “Simpz,”
+and added that he was no judge of pictures himself but had been informed
+on good authority that they were worth some hundreds of pounds, although
+he had only paid a few shillings apiece for them, frames included, at a
+sale in the neighbourhood.
+
+There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done in coloured
+crayons.  It looked like a religious subject.  I was very much struck
+with the lace collar, it looked so real, but I unfortunately made the
+remark that there was something about the expression of the face that was
+not quite pleasing.  It looked pinched.  Mr. Finsworth sorrowfully
+replied: “Yes, the face was done after death—my wife’s sister.”
+
+I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper said I
+hoped I had not hurt his feelings.  We both stood looking at the picture
+for a few minutes in silence, when Mr. Finsworth took out a handkerchief
+and said: “She was sitting in our garden last summer,” and blew his nose
+violently.  He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at something
+else and stood in front of a portrait of a jolly-looking middle-aged
+gentleman, with a red face and straw hat.  I said to Mr. Finsworth: “Who
+is this jovial-looking gentleman?  Life doesn’t seem to trouble him
+much.”  Mr. Finsworth said: “No, it doesn’t.  _He is dead too_—my
+brother.”
+
+I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness.  Fortunately at this
+moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken her upstairs to
+take off her bonnet and brush her skirt.  Teddy said: “Short is late,”
+but at that moment the gentleman referred to arrived, and I was
+introduced to him by Teddy, who said: “Do you know Mr. Short?”  I
+replied, smiling, that I had not that pleasure, but I hoped it would not
+be long before I knew Mr. _Short_.  He evidently did not see my little
+joke, although I repeated it twice with a little laugh.  I suddenly
+remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhaps _very particular_.
+In this I was mistaken, for he was not at all particular in several of
+his remarks after dinner.  In fact I was so ashamed of one of his
+observations that I took the opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I
+feared she found Mr. Short occasionally a little embarrassing.  To my
+surprise she said: “Oh! he is privileged you know.”  I did not know as a
+matter of fact, and so I bowed apologetically.  I fail to see why Mr.
+Short should be privileged.
+
+Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog, which
+jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining-room table.
+It kept growling and snapping at my boots every time I moved my foot.
+Feeling nervous rather, I spoke to Mrs. Finsworth about the animal, and
+she remarked: “It is only his play.”  She jumped up and let in a
+frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had been scratching
+at the door.  This dog also seemed to take a fancy to my boots, and I
+discovered afterwards that it had licked off every bit of blacking from
+them.  I was positively ashamed of being seen in them.  Mrs. Finsworth,
+who, I must say, is not much of a Job’s comforter, said: “Oh! we are used
+to Bibbs doing that to our visitors.”
+
+Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether it is a
+good thing to take on the top of beer.  It made me feel a little sleepy,
+while it had the effect of inducing Mr. Short to become “privileged” to
+rather an alarming extent.  It being cold even for April, there was a
+fire in the drawing-room; we sat round in easy-chairs, and Teddy and I
+waxed rather eloquent over the old school days, which had the effect of
+sending all the others to sleep.  I was delighted, as far as Mr. Short
+was concerned, that it did have that effect on him.
+
+We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for the fact
+that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my boots.  Polished
+them myself when I got home.  Went to church in the evening, and could
+scarcely keep awake.  I will not take port on the top of beer again.
+
+APRIL 29.—I am getting quite accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, and I
+do not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she has a certain
+amount of right to do so; but I do think it hard to be at once snubbed by
+wife, son, and both my guests.
+
+Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I suddenly
+remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago, and I thought I
+would tell them about it.  I dreamt I saw some huge blocks of ice in a
+shop with a bright glare behind them.  I walked into the shop and the
+heat was overpowering.  I found that the blocks of ice were on fire.  The
+whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural I woke up in a cold
+perspiration.  Lupin in a most contemptuous manner, said: “What utter
+rot.”
+
+Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completely
+uninteresting as other people’s dreams.
+
+I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with the others
+and my dream was especially nonsensical.  I said: “It seemed so real to
+me.”  Gowing replied: “Yes, to _you_ perhaps, but not to _us_.”
+Whereupon they all roared.
+
+Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: “He tells me his stupid dreams
+every morning nearly.”  I replied: “Very well, dear, I promise you I will
+never tell you or anybody else another dream of mine the longest day I
+live.”  Lupin said: “Hear! hear!” and helped himself to another glass of
+beer.  The subject was fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most
+interesting article on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+Dinner at Franching’s to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle.
+
+MAY 10.—Received a letter from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking us to
+dine with him to-night, at seven o’clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle, a
+very clever writer for the American papers.  Franching apologised for the
+short notice; but said he had at the last moment been disappointed of two
+of his guests and regarded us as old friends who would not mind filling
+up the gap.  Carrie rather demurred at the invitation; but I explained to
+her that Franching was very well off and influential, and we could not
+afford to offend him.  “And we are sure to get a good dinner and a good
+glass of champagne.”  “Which never agrees with you!” Carrie replied,
+sharply.  I regarded Carrie’s observation as unsaid.  Mr. Franching asked
+us to wire a reply.  As he had said nothing about dress in the letter, I
+wired back: “With pleasure.  Is it full dress?” and by leaving out our
+name, just got the message within the sixpence.
+
+Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a telegram
+instructing us to do.  I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching’s house;
+but she would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her.  What a long
+journey it is from Holloway to Peckham!  Why do people live such a long
+way off?  Having to change ’buses, I allowed plenty of time—in fact, too
+much; for we arrived at twenty minutes to seven, and Franching, so the
+servant said, had only just gone up to dress.  However, he was down as
+the clock struck seven; he must have dressed very quickly.
+
+I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did not
+know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells.  Franching
+had got a professional waiter, and evidently spared no expense.  There
+were flowers on the table round some fairy-lamps and the effect, I must
+say, was exquisite.  The wine was good and there was plenty of champagne,
+concerning which Franching said he himself, never wished to taste better.
+We were ten in number, and a _menû_ card to each.  One lady said she
+always preserved the _menû_ and got the guests to write their names on
+the back.
+
+We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was of course
+the important guest.
+
+The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur Huttle, Mr. and
+Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. Purdick, Mr. Pratt, Mr.
+R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pooter.  Franching
+said he was sorry he had no lady for me to take in to dinner.  I replied
+that I preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a very
+uncomplimentary observation to make.
+
+I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner.  She seemed a well-informed lady, but
+was very deaf.  It did not much matter, for Mr. Hardfur Huttle did all
+the talking.  He is a marvellously intellectual man and says things which
+from other people would seem quite alarming.  How I wish I could remember
+even a quarter of his brilliant conversation.  I made a few little
+reminding notes on the _menû_ card.
+
+One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful—though not to my
+way of thinking of course.  Mrs. Purdick happened to say “You are
+certainly unorthodox, Mr. Huttle.”  Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar
+expression (I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice: “Mrs. Purdick,
+‘orthodox’ is a grandiloquent word implying sticking-in-the-mud.  If
+Columbus and Stephenson had been orthodox, there would neither have been
+the discovery of America nor the steam-engine.”  There was quite a
+silence.  It appeared to me that such teaching was absolutely dangerous,
+and yet I felt—in fact we must all have felt—there was no answer to the
+argument.  A little later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching’s sister and
+also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttle said: “Why,
+ladies, do you deprive us of your company so soon?  Why not wait while we
+have our cigars?”
+
+The effect was electrical.  The ladies (including Carrie) were in no way
+inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle’s fascinating society, and
+immediately resumed their seats, amid much laughter and a little chaff.
+Mr. Huttle said: “Well, that’s a real good sign; you shall not be
+insulted by being called orthodox any longer.”  Mrs. Purdick, who seemed
+to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said: “Mr. Huttle, we will meet
+you half-way—that is, till you get half-way through your cigar.  That, at
+all events, will be the happy medium.”
+
+I shall never forget the effect the words, “happy medium,” had upon him.
+He was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation of the words.  He
+positively alarmed me.  He said something like the following: “Happy
+medium, indeed.  Do you know ‘happy medium’ are two words which mean
+‘miserable mediocrity’?  I say, go first class or third; marry a duchess
+or her kitchenmaid.  The happy medium means respectability, and
+respectability means insipidness.  Does it not, Mr. Pooter?”
+
+I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I could only
+bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not competent to offer an
+opinion.  Carrie was about to say something; but she was interrupted, for
+which I was rather pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one
+has to be extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttle.
+
+He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcome opinions
+positively convincing: “The happy medium is nothing more or less than a
+vulgar half-measure.  A man who loves champagne and, finding a pint too
+little, fears to face a whole bottle and has recourse to an imperial
+pint, will never build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower.  No, he is
+half-hearted, he is a half-measure—respectable—in fact, a happy medium,
+and will spend the rest of his days in a suburban villa with a
+stucco-column portico, resembling a four-post bedstead.”
+
+We all laughed.
+
+“That sort of thing,” continued Mr. Huttle, “belongs to a soft man, with
+a soft beard with a soft head, with a made tie that hooks on.”
+
+This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking in the
+glass of the cheffonière; for _I_ had on a tie that hooked on—and why
+not?  If these remarks were not personal they were rather careless, and
+so were some of his subsequent observations, which must have made both
+Mr. Franching and his guests rather uncomfortable.  I don’t think Mr.
+Huttle meant to be personal, for he added; “We don’t know that class here
+in this country: but we do in America, and I’ve no use for them.”
+
+Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passed round
+the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but continued as if he were
+giving a lecture:
+
+“What we want in America is your homes.  We live on wheels.  Your simple,
+quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, are charming.  No display, no
+pretension!  You make no difference in your dinner, I dare say, when you
+sit down by yourself and when you invite us.  You have your own personal
+attendant—no hired waiter to breathe on the back of your head.”
+
+I saw Franching palpably wince at this.
+
+Mr. Huttle continued: “Just a small dinner with a few good things, such
+as you have this evening.   You don’t insult your guests by sending to
+the grocer for champagne at six shillings a bottle.”
+
+I could not help thinking of “Jackson Frères” at three-and-six!
+
+“In fact,” said Mr. Huttle, “a man is little less than a murderer who
+does.  That is the province of the milksop, who wastes his evening at
+home playing dominoes with his wife.  I’ve heard of these people.  We
+don’t want them at this table.  Our party is well selected.  We’ve no use
+for deaf old women, who cannot follow intellectual conversation.”
+
+All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being deaf, did
+not hear his remarks; but continued smiling approval.
+
+“We have no representative at Mr. Franching’s table,” said Mr. Huttle,
+“of the unenlightened frivolous matron, who goes to a second class dance
+at Bayswater and fancies she is in Society.  Society does not know her;
+it has no use for her.”
+
+Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was afforded for the
+ladies to rise.  I asked Mr. Franching quietly to excuse me, as I did not
+wish to miss the last train, which we very nearly did, by-the-by, through
+Carrie having mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap which she wears when
+we go out.
+
+It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering the
+sitting-room I said: “Carrie, what do you think of Mr. Hardfur Huttle?”
+She simply answered: “How like Lupin!”  The same idea occurred to me in
+the train.  The comparison kept me awake half the night.  Mr. Huttle was,
+of course, an older and more influential man; but he _was_ like Lupin,
+and it made me think how dangerous Lupin would be if he were older and
+more influential.  I feel proud to think Lupin _does_ resemble Mr. Huttle
+in some ways.  Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes
+wonderful ideas; but it is those ideas that are so dangerous.  They make
+men extremely rich or extremely poor.  They make or break men.  I always
+feel people are happier who live a simple unsophisticated life.  I
+believe _I_ am happy because I am not ambitious.  Somehow I feel that
+Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp, has become content to settle
+down and follow the footsteps of his father.  This is a comfort.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+Lupin is discharged.  We are in great trouble.  Lupin gets engaged
+elsewhere at a handsome salary.
+
+MAY 13.—A terrible misfortune has happened: Lupin is discharged from Mr.
+Perkupp’s office; and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary.  I was
+away from office last Sat., the first time I have been absent through
+illness for twenty years.  I believe I was poisoned by some lobster.  Mr.
+Perkupp was also absent, as Fate would have it; and our most valued
+customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went to the office in a rage, and withdrew his
+custom.  My boy Lupin not only had the assurance to receive him, but
+recommended him the firm of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited.  In my own
+humble judgment, and though I have to say it against my own son, this
+seems an act of treachery.
+
+This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me that Lupin’s
+services are no longer required, and an interview with me is desired at
+eleven o’clock.  I went down to the office with an aching heart, dreading
+an interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never had a word.  I saw
+nothing of Lupin in the morning.  He had not got up when it was time for
+me to leave, and Carrie said I should do no good by disturbing him.  My
+mind wandered so at the office that I could not do my work properly.
+
+As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the following
+conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it.
+
+Mr. Perkupp said: “Good-morning, Mr. Pooter!  This is a very serious
+business.  I am not referring so much to the dismissal of your son, for I
+knew we should have to part sooner or later.  _I_ am the head of this
+old, influential, and much-respected firm; and when _I_ consider the time
+has come to revolutionise the business, _I_ will do it myself.”
+
+I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: “I hope,
+sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way countenanced my son’s
+unwarrantable interference?”  Mr. Perkupp rose from his seat and took my
+hand, and said: “Mr. Pooter, I would as soon suspect myself as suspect
+you.”  I was so agitated that in the confusion, to show my gratitude I
+very nearly called him a “grand old man.”
+
+Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a “grand old
+master.”  I was so unaccountable for my actions that I sat down, leaving
+him standing.  Of course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp bade me sit
+down, which I was very pleased to do.  Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said: “You
+will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high-standing nature of our firm
+will not admit of our bending to anybody.  If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to
+put his work into other hands—I may add, less experienced hands—it is not
+for us to bend and beg back his custom.”  “You _shall_ not do it, sir,” I
+said with indignation.  “Exactly,” replied Mr. Perkupp; “I shall _not_ do
+it.  But I was thinking this, Mr. Pooter.  Mr. Crowbillon is our most
+valued client, and I will even confess—for I know this will not go beyond
+ourselves—that we cannot afford very well to lose him, especially in
+these times, which are not of the brightest.  Now, I fancy you can be of
+service.”
+
+I replied: “Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve you!”
+
+Mr. Perkupp said: “I know you will.  Now, what I should like you to do is
+this.  You yourself might write to Mr. Crowbillon—you must not, of
+course, lead him to suppose I know anything about your doing so—and
+explain to him that your son was only taken on as a clerk—quite an
+inexperienced one in fact—out of the respect the firm had for you, Mr.
+Pooter.  This is, of course, a fact.  I don’t suggest that you should
+speak in too strong terms of your own son’s conduct; but I may add, that
+had he been a son of mine, I should have condemned his interference with
+no measured terms.  That I leave to you.  I think the result will be that
+Mr. Crowbillon will see the force of the foolish step he has taken, and
+our firm will neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket.”
+
+I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp is.  His
+manners and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with respect.
+
+I said: “Would you like to see the letter before I send it?”
+
+Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh no!  I had better not.  I am supposed to know
+nothing about it, and I have every confidence in you.  You must write the
+letter carefully.  We are not very busy; you had better take the morning
+to-morrow, or the whole day if you like.  I shall be here myself all day
+to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case Mr. Crowbillon should call.”
+
+I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that I
+could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact anybody, if they
+called in the evening.  Lupin came into the parlour for a moment with a
+new hat on, and asked my opinion of it.  I said I was not in the mood to
+judge of hats, and I did not think he was in a position to buy a new one.
+Lupin replied carelessly: “I didn’t buy it; it was a present.”
+
+I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like to ask
+him questions, as I dread the answers so.  He, however, saved me the
+trouble.
+
+He said: “I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite think a
+friend at the time; but it’s all right.  As he wisely said, ‘all is fair
+in love and war,’ and there was no reason why we should not be friends
+still.  He’s a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and a very
+different stamp from that inflated fool of a Perkupp.”
+
+I said: “Hush, Lupin!  Do not pray add insult to injury.”
+
+Lupin said: “What do you mean by injury?  I repeat, I have done no
+injury.  Crowbillon is simply tired of a stagnant stick-in-the-mud firm,
+and made the change on his own account.  I simply recommended the new
+firm as a matter of biz—good old biz!”
+
+I said quietly: “I don’t understand your slang, and at my time of life
+have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my boy, let us change the subject.
+I will, if it please you, _try_ and be interested in your new hat
+adventure.”
+
+Lupin said: “Oh! there’s nothing much about it, except I have not once
+seen him since his marriage, and he said he was very pleased to see me,
+and hoped we should be friends.  I stood a drink to cement the
+friendship, and he stood me a new hat—one of his own.”
+
+I said rather wearily: “But you have not told me your old friend’s name?”
+
+Lupin said, with affected carelessness: “Oh didn’t I?  Well, I will.  It
+was _Murray Posh_.”
+
+MAY 14.—Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all the morning,
+asked the reason of it.  Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say
+nothing to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the question.
+
+Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh in the
+City.  I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with a berth.  Lupin
+went out laughing, saying: “I don’t mind _wearing_ Posh’s one-priced
+hats, but I am not going to _sell_ them.”  Poor boy, I fear he is
+perfectly hopeless.
+
+It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. Crowbillon.  Once or
+twice I asked Carrie for suggestions; and although it seems ungrateful,
+her suggestions were none of them to the point, while one or two were
+absolutely idiotic.  Of course I did not tell her so.  I got the letter
+off, and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp to see, but he again
+repeated that he could trust me.
+
+Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him about Lupin
+and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined to side with
+Lupin.  Carrie joined in, and said she thought I was taking much too
+melancholy a view of it.  Gowing produced a pint sample-bottle of
+Madeira, which had been given him, which he said would get rid of the
+blues.  I dare say it would have done so if there had been more of it;
+but as Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it did not leave much for
+Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with.
+
+MAY 15.—A day of great anxiety, for I expected every moment a letter from
+Mr. Crowbillon.  Two letters came in the evening—one for me, with
+“Crowbillon Hall” printed in large gold-and-red letters on the back of
+the envelope; the other for Lupin, which I felt inclined to open and
+read, as it had “Gylterson, Sons, and Co. Limited,” which was the
+recommended firm.  I trembled as I opened Mr. Crowbillon’s letter.  I
+wrote him sixteen pages, closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen
+lines.
+
+His letter was: “Sir,—I totally disagree with you.  Your son, in the
+course of five minutes’ conversation, displayed more intelligence than
+your firm has done during the last five years.—Yours faithfully, Gilbert
+E. Gillam O. Crowbillon.”
+
+What am I to do?  Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr. Perkupp,
+and would not show to Lupin for anything.  The crisis had yet to come;
+for Lupin arrived, and, opening his letter, showed a cheque for £25 as a
+commission for the recommendation of Mr. Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr.
+Perkupp is evidently lost for ever.  Cummings and Gowing both called, and
+both took Lupin’s part.  Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would
+make a name yet.  I suppose I was melancholy, for I could only ask: “Yes,
+but what sort of a name?”
+
+MAY 16.—I told Mr. Perkupp the contents of the letter in a modified form,
+but Mr. Perkupp said: “Pray don’t discuss the matter; it is at an end.
+Your son will bring his punishment upon himself.”  I went home in the
+evening, thinking of the hopeless future of Lupin.  I found him in most
+extravagant spirits and in evening dress.  He threw a letter on the table
+for me to read.
+
+To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely engaged
+Lupin at a salary of £200 a year, with other advantages.  I read the
+letter through three times and thought it must have been for me.  But
+there it was—Lupin Pooter—plain enough.  I was silent.  Lupin said: “What
+price Perkupp now?  You take my tip, Guv.—‘off’ with Perkupp and freeze
+on to Gylterson, the firm of the future!  Perkupp’s firm?  The stagnant
+dummies have been standing still for years, and now are moving back.  I
+want to go on.  In fact I must go _off_, as I am dining with the Murray
+Poshs to-night.”
+
+In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his stick, gave a
+loud war “Whoo-oop,” jumped over a chair, and took the liberty of
+rumpling my hair all over my forehead, and bounced out of the room,
+giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and the respect which was
+due to his parent.  Gowing and Cummings came in the evening, and
+positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting Lupin.
+
+Gowing said: “I always said he would get on, and, take my word, he has
+more in his head than we three put together.”
+
+Carrie said: “He is a second Hardfur Huttle.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+Master Percy Edgar Smith James.  Mrs. James (of Sutton) visits us again
+and introduces “Spiritual Séances.”
+
+MAY 26, Sunday.—We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea with Mr.
+and Mrs. James.  I had no appetite, having dined well at two, and the
+entire evening was spoiled by little Percy—their only son—who seems to me
+to be an utterly spoiled child.
+
+Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my shins.  He
+hurt me once so much that the tears came into my eyes.  I gently
+remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said: “Please don’t scold him; I do
+not believe in being too severe with young children.  You spoil their
+character.”
+
+Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried to
+pacify him, he slapped her face.
+
+I was so annoyed, I said: “That is not my idea of bringing up children,
+Mrs. James.”
+
+Mrs. James said.  “People have different ideas of bringing up
+children—even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection.”
+
+A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his lap.  The
+child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. Mezzini, saying: “I
+don’t like you—you’ve got a dirty face.”
+
+A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by the wrist and
+said: “Come here, dear, and listen to this.”
+
+He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch strike six.
+
+To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it down
+upon the ground like one would a ball.
+
+Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get a new
+glass put in, and did not suppose the works were damaged.
+
+To show you how people’s opinions differ, Carrie said the child was
+bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it was—in
+her mind—an unquestionably beautiful child.
+
+I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier child
+myself.  That is _my_ opinion.
+
+MAY 30.—I don’t know why it is, but I never anticipate with any pleasure
+the visits to our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton.  She is coming again to
+stay for a few days.  I said to Carrie this morning, as I was leaving: “I
+wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. James better than I do.”
+
+Carrie said: “So do I, dear; but as for years I have had to put up with
+Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who is kind but most
+uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won’t mind the occasional visits of
+Mrs. James, who has more intellect in her little finger than both your
+friends have in their entire bodies.”
+
+I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear old
+friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the ’bus coming, I left with
+a hurried kiss—a little too hurried, perhaps, for my upper lip came in
+contact with Carrie’s teeth and slightly cut it.  It was quite painful
+for an hour afterwards.  When I came home in the evening I found Carrie
+buried in a book on Spiritualism, called _There is no Birth_, by Florence
+Singleyet.  I need scarcely say the book was sent her to read by Mrs.
+James, of Sutton.  As she had not a word to say outside her book, I spent
+the rest of the evening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning
+to show signs of wear at the edges.
+
+Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the entire
+management of everything.  Finding that she and Carrie were making some
+preparations for table-turning, I thought it time really to put my foot
+down.  I have always had the greatest contempt for such nonsense, and put
+an end to it years ago when Carrie, at our old house, used to have
+séances every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who is now dead).  If I
+could see any use in it, I would not care.  As I stopped it in the days
+gone by, I determined to do so now.
+
+I said: “I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally disapprove of it,
+apart from the fact that I receive my old friends on this evening.”
+
+Mrs. James said: “Do you mean to say you haven’t read _There is no
+Birth_?”  I said: “No, and I have no intention of doing so.”  Mrs. James
+seemed surprised and said: “All the world is going mad over the book.”  I
+responded rather cleverly: “Let it.  There will be one sane man in it, at
+all events.”
+
+Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people were all as
+prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the electric telegraph
+or the telephone.
+
+I said that was quite a different thing.
+
+Mrs. James said sharply: “In what way, pray—in what way?”
+
+I said: “In many ways.”
+
+Mrs. James said: “Well, mention _one_ way.”
+
+I replied quietly: “Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to discuss the
+matter.  I am not interested in it.”
+
+Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, for which I
+was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this foolish
+table-turning.  But I was entirely mistaken; for, on the subject being
+opened again, Cummings said he was most interested in Spiritualism,
+although he was bound to confess he did not believe much in it; still, he
+was willing to be convinced.
+
+I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my
+presence was ignored.  I left the three sitting in the parlour at a small
+round table which they had taken out of the drawing-room.  I walked into
+the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little stroll.  As I
+opened the door, who should come in but Gowing!
+
+On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join the circle
+and he would go into a trance.  He added that he _knew_ a few things
+about old Cummings, and would _invent_ a few about Mrs. James.  Knowing
+how dangerous Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in any such
+foolish performance.  Sarah asked me if she could go out for half an
+hour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be more comfortable to
+sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the cold drawing-room.  We talked
+a good deal about Lupin and Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, with whom he is as
+usual spending the evening.  Gowing said: “I say, it wouldn’t be a bad
+thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket.”
+
+My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very sternly for
+joking on such a subject.  I lay awake half the night thinking of it—the
+other half was spent in nightmares on the same subject.
+
+MAY 31.—I wrote a stern letter to the laundress.  I was rather pleased
+with the letter, for I thought it very satirical.  I said: “You have
+returned the handkerchiefs without the colour.  Perhaps you will return
+either the colour or the value of the handkerchiefs.”  I shall be rather
+curious to know what she will have to say.
+
+More table-turning in the evening.  Carrie said last night was in a
+measure successful, and they ought to sit again.  Cummings came in, and
+seemed interested.  I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the
+steps, and repaired the cornice, which has been a bit of an eyesore to
+me.  In a fit of unthinkingness—if I may use such an expression,—I gave
+the floor over the parlour, where the séance was taking place, two loud
+raps with the hammer.  I felt sorry afterwards, for it was the sort of
+ridiculous, foolhardy thing that Gowing or Lupin would have done.
+
+However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that a
+message came through the table to her of a wonderful description,
+concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quite
+unknown to the others.
+
+When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit to-morrow night,
+to oblige her.  She said it seemed rather unkind and unsociable on my
+part.  I promised I would sit once.
+
+JUNE 1.—I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and I am bound to
+admit some curious things happened.  I contend they were coincidences,
+but they were curious.  For instance, the table kept tilting towards me,
+which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask the spirit a
+question.  I obeyed the rules, and I asked the spirit (who said her name
+was Lina) if she could tell me the name of an old aunt of whom I was
+thinking, and whom we used to call Aunt Maggie.  The table spelled out C
+A T.  We could make nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that
+her second name was Catherine, which it was evidently trying to spell.  I
+don’t think even Carrie knew this.  But if she did, she would never
+cheat.  I must admit it was curious.  Several other things happened, and
+I consented to sit at another séance on Monday.
+
+JUNE 3.—The laundress called, and said she was very sorry about the
+handkerchiefs, and returned ninepence.  I said, as the colour was
+completely washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence was
+not enough.  Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs originally only
+cost sixpence, for she remembered buying them at a sale at the Holloway
+_Bon Marché_.  In that case, I insisted that threepence should be
+returned to the laundress.  Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for a
+few days.  I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it.  Carrie said I
+was ridiculous to worry about it.  Mr. Posh was very fond of Lupin, who,
+after all, was only a mere boy.
+
+In the evening we had another séance, which, in some respects, was very
+remarkable, although the first part of it was a little doubtful.  Gowing
+called, as well as Cummings, and begged to be allowed to join the circle.
+I wanted to object, but Mrs. James, who appears a good Medium (that is,
+if there is anything in it at all), thought there might be a little more
+spirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of us sat down.
+
+The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get my hands
+on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began moving quickly
+across the room.  Gowing shouted out: “Way oh! steady, lad, steady!”  I
+told Gowing if he could not behave himself I should light the gas, and
+put an end to the séance.
+
+To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I hinted as
+much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table go right off the
+ground.  The spirit Lina came again, and said, “WARN” three or four
+times, and declined to explain.  Mrs. James said “Lina” was stubborn
+sometimes.  She often behaved like that, and the best thing to do was to
+send her away.
+
+She then hit the table sharply, and said: “Go away, Lina; you are
+disagreeable.  Go away!”  I should think we sat nearly three-quarters of
+an hour with nothing happening.  My hands felt quite cold, and I
+suggested we should stop the séance.  Carrie and Mrs. James, as well as
+Cummings, would not agree to it.  In about ten minutes’ time there was
+some tilting towards me.  I gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O
+F.  As I have heard both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could
+hear Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the
+table.  He denied it; but, I regret to say, I did not believe him.
+
+Gowing said: “Perhaps it means ‘Spook,’ a ghost.”
+
+I said: “_You_ know it doesn’t mean anything of the sort.”
+
+Gowing said: “Oh! very well—I’m sorry I ‘spook,’” and he rose from the
+table.
+
+No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James suggested he
+should sit out for a while.  Gowing consented and sat in the arm-chair.
+
+The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderful séance
+but for Gowing’s stupid interruptions.  In answer to the alphabet from
+Carrie the table spelt “NIPUL,” then the “WARN” three times.  We could
+not think what it meant till Cummings pointed out that “NIPUL” was Lupin
+spelled backwards.  This was quite exciting.  Carrie was particularly
+excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible was going to happen.
+
+Mrs. James asked if “Lina” was the spirit.  The table replied firmly,
+“No,” and the spirit would not give his or her name.  We then had the
+message, “NIPUL will be very rich.”
+
+Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word “WARN” was again spelt
+out.  The table then began to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs.
+James, who spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell its
+name.  It first spelled “DRINK.”
+
+Gowing here said: “Ah! that’s more in my line.”
+
+I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed.
+
+The table then spelt “WATER.”
+
+Gowing here interrupted again, and said: “Ah! that’s _not_ in my line.
+_Outside_ if you like, but not inside.”
+
+Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.
+
+The table then spelt “CAPTAIN,” and Mrs. James startled us by crying out,
+“Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my father’s, who has been dead
+some years.”
+
+This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that after all
+there must be something in Spiritualism.
+
+Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word “Warn”
+as applied to “NIPUL.”  The alphabet was given again, and we got the word
+“BOSH.”
+
+Gowing here muttered: “So it is.”
+
+Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as Captain
+Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the word in
+answer to a lady’s question.  Accordingly the alphabet was given again.
+
+This time the table spelled distinctly “POSH.”  We all thought of Mrs.
+Murray Posh and Lupin.  Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as it
+was getting late we broke up the circle.
+
+We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. James’ last
+night in town.  We also determined _not_ to have Gowing present.
+
+Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but he
+wished the spirits would say something about him.
+
+JUNE 4.—Quite looking forward to the séance this evening.  Was thinking
+of it all the day at the office.
+
+Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing entering
+without knocking.
+
+He said: “I am not going to stop, but I have brought with me a sealed
+envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. Pooter.  In that sealed
+envelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a simple question.  If
+the spirits can answer that question, I will believe in Spiritualism.”
+
+I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.
+
+Mrs. James said: “Oh no! it is of common occurrence for the spirits to
+answer questions under such conditions—and even for them to write on
+locked slates.  It is quite worth trying.  If ‘Lina’ is in a good temper,
+she is certain to do it.”
+
+Gowing said: “All right; then I shall be a firm believer.  I shall
+perhaps drop in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result.”
+
+He then left and we sat a long time.  Cummings wanted to know something
+about some undertaking in which he was concerned, but he could get no
+answer of any description whatever—at which he said he was very
+disappointed and was afraid there was not much in table-turning after
+all.  I thought this rather selfish of him.  The séance was very similar
+to the one last night, almost the same in fact.  So we turned to the
+letter.  “Lina” took a long time answering the question, but eventually
+spelt out “ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS.”  There was great rocking of the
+table at this time, and Mrs. James said: “If that is Captain Drinkwater,
+let us ask him the answer as well?”
+
+It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave the same
+identical answer: “ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS.”
+
+I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal, or the
+disappointment we felt on reading the question, to which the answer was
+so inappropriate.  The question was, “_What’s old Pooter’s age_?”
+
+This quite decided me.
+
+As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I would again.
+
+I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm when driven
+to it.
+
+I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: “This is the last of this nonsense
+that shall ever take place under my roof.  I regret I permitted myself to
+be a party to such tomfoolery.  If there is anything in it—which I
+doubt—it is nothing of any good, and I _won’t have it again_.  That is
+enough.”
+
+Mrs. James said: “I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather over-stepping—”
+
+I said: “Hush, madam.  I am master of this house—please understand that.”
+
+Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was mistaken in.
+I was in such a rage I could not quite catch what she said.  But if I
+thought she said what it sounded like, she should never enter the house
+again.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+Lupin leaves us.  We dine at his new apartments, and hear some
+extraordinary information respecting the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh.  Meet
+Miss Lilian Posh.  Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle.  Important.
+
+JULY 1.—I find, on looking over my diary, nothing of any consequence has
+taken place during the last month.  To-day we lose Lupin, who has taken
+furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. and Mrs. Murray
+Posh, at two guineas a week.  I think this is most extravagant of him, as
+it is half his salary.  Lupin says one never loses by a good address,
+and, to use his own expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit “off.”
+Whether he means it is “far off” I do not know.  I have long since given
+up trying to understand his curious expressions.  I said the
+neighbourhood had always been good enough for his parents.  His reply
+was: “It is no question of being good or bad.  There is no money in it,
+and I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs.”
+
+We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by himself,
+and there may be some truth in his remark that an old and a young horse
+can’t pull together in the same cart.
+
+Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, and like
+old times.  He liked Master Lupin very well, but he occasionally suffered
+from what he could not help—youth.
+
+JULY 2.—Cummings called, looked very pale, and said he had been very ill
+again, and of course not a single friend had been near him.  Carrie said
+she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy of the _Bicycle
+News_ on the table, with the following paragraph: “We regret to hear that
+that favourite old roadster, Mr. Cummings (‘Long’ Cummings), has met with
+what might have been a serious accident in Rye Lane.  A mischievous boy
+threw a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and the
+machine overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily to the
+ground.  Fortunately he was more frightened than hurt, but we missed his
+merry face at the dinner at Chingford, where they turned up in good
+numbers.  ‘Long’ Cummings’ health was proposed by our popular Vice, Mr.
+Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein said it was
+a case of ‘_Cumming_(s) thro’ the _Rye_, but fortunately there was more
+_wheel_ than _woe_,’ a joke which created roars of laughter.”
+
+We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay to supper.
+Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin, and he was much
+better away.
+
+JULY 3, Sunday.—In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the parlour
+window, which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with a gentleman
+seated by the side of her, stopped at our door.  Not wishing to be seen,
+I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back of it violently
+against the sharp edge of the window-sash.  I was nearly stunned.  There
+was a loud double-knock at the front door; Carrie rushed out of the
+parlour, upstairs to her room, and I followed, as Carrie thought it was
+Mr. Perkupp.  I thought it was Mr. Franching.—I whispered to Sarah over
+the banisters: “Show them into the drawing-room.”  Sarah said, as the
+shutters were not opened, the room would smell musty.  There was another
+loud rat-tat.  I whispered: “Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr.
+Pooter will be down directly.”  I changed my coat, but could not see to
+do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass.
+
+Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. Lupin.
+
+This was quite a relief.  I went down with Carrie, and Lupin met me with
+the remark: “I say, what did you run away from the window for?  Did we
+frighten you?”
+
+I foolishly said: “What window?”
+
+Lupin said: “Oh, you know.  Shut it.  You looked as if you were playing
+at Punch and Judy.”
+
+On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: “Oh, I
+think Daisy will take on a cup of tea.  I can do with a B. and S.”
+
+I said: “I am afraid we have no soda.”
+
+Lupin said: “Don’t bother about that.  You just trip out and hold the
+horse; I don’t think Sarah understands it.”
+
+They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin said: “I
+want you both to come and dine with me next Wednesday, and see my new
+place.  Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, Miss Posh (Murray’s sister) are coming.
+Eight o’clock sharp.  No one else.”
+
+I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would like the
+dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got home.
+
+Lupin said: “Rats!  You must get used to it.  If it comes to that, Daisy
+and I can drive you home.”
+
+We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the familiar way in
+which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is reprehensible.  Anybody
+would think they had been children together.  I certainly should object
+to a six months’ acquaintance calling _my_ wife “Carrie,” and driving out
+with her.
+
+JULY 4.—Lupin’s rooms looked very nice; but the dinner was, I thought, a
+little too grand, especially as he commenced with champagne straight off.
+I also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr. and Mrs. Murray
+Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on full evening dress.  Knowing that
+the dinner was only for us six, we never dreamed it would be a full dress
+affair.  I had no appetite.  It was quite twenty minutes past eight
+before we sat down to dinner.  At six I could have eaten a hearty meal.
+I had a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling famished, and I
+expect that partly spoiled my appetite.
+
+We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called “Lillie Girl,” as if
+he had known her all his life.  She was very tall, rather plain, and I
+thought she was a little painted round the eyes.  I hope I am wrong; but
+she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were black.  She looked
+about thirty.  I did not like the way she kept giggling and giving Lupin
+smacks and pinching him.  Then her laugh was a sort of a scream that went
+right through my ears, all the more irritating because there was nothing
+to laugh at.  In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with
+her.  They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including Miss Posh, who
+startled Carrie by saying: “Don’t you smoke, dear?”  I answered for
+Carrie, and said: “Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet,”
+whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again.
+
+Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what I have
+said before—she does _not_ sing in tune; but Lupin sat by the side of the
+piano, gazing into her eyes the whole time.  If I had been Mr. Posh, I
+think I should have had something to say about it.  Mr. Posh made himself
+very agreeable to us, and eventually sent us home in his carriage, which
+I thought most kind.  He is evidently very rich, for Mrs. Posh had on
+some beautiful jewellery.  She told Carrie her necklace, which her
+husband gave her as a birthday present, alone cost £300.
+
+Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he would make
+rapid way in the world.
+
+I could not help thinking of the £600 Mr. Posh lost over the _Parachikka
+Chlorates_ through Lupin’s advice.
+
+During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and expressed
+a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his means.
+
+Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands.  “Posh’s one-price
+hat” was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all
+the big towns throughout England.  Lupin further informed me that Mr.
+Posh was opening branch establishments at New York, Sydney, and
+Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and Johannesburg.
+
+I said I was pleased to hear it.
+
+Lupin said: “Why, he has settled over £10,000 on Daisy, and the same
+amount on ‘Lillie Girl.’  If at any time I wanted a little capital, he
+would put up a couple of ‘thou’ at a day’s notice, and could buy up
+Perkupp’s firm over his head at any moment with ready cash.”
+
+On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I was
+inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money was _not_ properly
+divided.
+
+On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom cab, which
+had been waiting for me for two hours with a letter.  Sarah said she did
+not know what to do, as we had not left the address where we had gone.  I
+trembled as I opened the letter, fearing it was some bad news about Mr.
+Perkupp.  The note was: “Dear Mr. Pooter,—Come down to the Victoria Hotel
+without delay.  Important.  Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle.”
+
+I asked the cabman if it was too late.  The cabman replied that it was
+_not_; for his instructions were, if I happened to be out, he was to wait
+till I came home.  I felt very tired, and really wanted to go to bed.  I
+reached the hotel at a quarter before midnight.  I apologised for being
+so late, but Mr. Huttle said: “Not at all; come and have a few oysters.”
+I feel my heart beating as I write these words.  To be brief, Mr. Huttle
+said he had a rich American friend who wanted to do something large in
+our line of business, and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to
+him.  We talked over the matter.  If, by any happy chance, the result be
+successful, I can more than compensate my dear master for the loss of Mr.
+Crowbillon’s custom.  Mr. Huttle had previously said: “The glorious
+‘Fourth’ is a lucky day for America, and, as it has not yet struck
+twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of the best wine to be had in
+the place, and drink good luck to our bit of business.”
+
+I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.
+
+It was two o’clock when I got home.  Although I was so tired, I could not
+sleep except for short intervals—then only to dream.
+
+I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle.  The latter was in a
+lovely palace with a crown on.  Mr. Perkupp was waiting in the room.  Mr.
+Huttle kept taking off this crown and handing it to me, and calling me
+“President.”
+
+He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept asking Mr.
+Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master.  Mr. Huttle kept saying:
+“No, this is the White House of Washington, and you must keep your crown,
+Mr. President.”
+
+We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and then I woke
+up.  I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over and over again.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE LAST
+
+
+One of the happiest days of my life.
+
+JULY 10.—The excitement and anxiety through which I have gone the last
+few days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey.  It is all but
+settled.  To-morrow the die will be cast.  I have written a long letter
+to Lupin—feeling it my duty to do so,—regarding his attention to Mrs.
+Posh, for they drove up to our house again last night.
+
+JULY 11.—I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note of my
+interview this morning with Mr. Perkupp.  Addressing me, he said: “My
+faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you have done
+our firm.  You can never be sufficiently thanked.  Let us change the
+subject.  Do you like your house, and are you happy where you are?”
+
+I replied: “Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the neighbourhood, and
+could not bear to leave it.”
+
+Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: “Mr. Pooter, I will purchase the
+freehold of that house, and present it to the most honest and most worthy
+man it has ever been my lot to meet.”
+
+He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be spared many
+years to enjoy it.  My heart was too full to thank him; and, seeing my
+embarrassment, the good fellow said: “You need say nothing, Mr. Pooter,”
+and left the office.
+
+I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I have never
+done before), and asked the two latter to come round to supper.
+
+On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent Sarah round
+to the grocer’s to get two bottles of “Jackson Frères.”
+
+My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post brought a
+letter from Lupin in reply to mine.  I read it aloud to them all.  It
+ran: “My dear old Guv.,—Keep your hair on.  You are on the wrong tack
+again.  I am engaged to be married to ‘Lillie Girl.’  I did not mention
+it last Thursday, as it was not definitely settled.  We shall be married
+in August, and amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing
+and Cummings.  With much love to all, from _The same old Lupin_.”
+
+
+
+
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+<style type="text/css">
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+<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Diary of a Nobody, by George and Weedon Grossmith</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
+most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
+of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
+at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you
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+country where you are located before using this eBook.
+</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Diary of a Nobody</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: George and Weedon Grossmith</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: June 27, 1997 [eBook #1026]<br />
+[Most recently updated: October 16, 2021]</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: David Price</div>
+<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DIARY OF A NOBODY ***</div>
+
+<h1>The Diary of<br />
+a Nobody</h1>
+<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">BY</span><br
+/>
+GEORGE GROSSMITH<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">AND</span><br />
+WEEDON GROSSMITH</p>
+
+<p style="text-align: center">WITH ILLUSTRATIONS<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">BY</span><br />
+<span class="GutSmall">WEEDON GROSSMITH</span></p>
+
+<p style="text-align: center">A NEW EDITION</p>
+
+<p style="text-align: center">BRISTOL<br />
+<span class="smcap">J. W. Arrowsmith</span>, <span
+class="smcap">Printer</span>, <span class="smcap">Quay
+Street</span></p>
+
+<p style="text-align: center">LONDON<br />
+<span class="smcap">Simpkin</span>, <span
+class="smcap">Marshall</span>, <span
+class="smcap">Hamilton</span>, <span class="smcap">Kent &amp;
+Company Limited</span></p>
+<h2>INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER</h2>
+<p><i>Why should I not publish my diary</i>? <i>I have
+often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard
+of</i>, <i>and I fail to see</i>&mdash;<i>because I do not happen
+to be a</i> &lsquo;<i>Somebody</i>&rsquo;&mdash;<i>why my diary
+should not be interesting</i>. <i>My only regret is that I
+did not commence it when I was a youth</i>.</p>
+
+<p style="text-align: right"><span class="smcap">Charles
+Pooter</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Laurels</i>,<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <i>Brickfield Terrace</i>,<br />
+
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+<i>Holloway</i>.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER I</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">We settle down in our new home, and I resolve
+to keep a diary. Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the
+scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a great
+compliment.</p>
+
+<p>My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new
+house, &ldquo;The Laurels,&rdquo; Brickfield Terrace,
+Holloway&mdash;a nice six-roomed residence, not counting
+basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a little
+front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front
+door, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up.
+Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always come to
+the little side entrance, which saves the servant the trouble of
+going up to the front door, thereby taking her from her
+work. We have a nice little back garden which runs down to
+the railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of the
+trains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice them
+after a bit, and took &pound;2 off the rent. He was
+certainly right; and beyond the cracking of the garden wall at
+the bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience.</p>
+
+<p>After my work in the City, I like to be at home.
+What&rsquo;s the good of a home, if you are never in it?
+&ldquo;Home, Sweet Home,&rdquo; that&rsquo;s my motto. I am
+always in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in
+without ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. My
+dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them, if they like to
+drop in on us. But Carrie and I can manage to pass our
+evenings together without friends. There is always
+something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put
+straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail
+down&mdash;all of which I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while
+Carrie is not above putting a button on a shirt, mending a
+pillow-case, or practising the &ldquo;Sylvia Gavotte&rdquo; on
+our new cottage piano (on the three years&rsquo; system),
+manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and
+Collard (in very large letters). It is also a great comfort
+to us to know that our boy Willie is getting on so well in the
+Bank at Oldham. We should like to see more of him.
+Now for my diary:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 3.&mdash;Tradesmen called for
+custom, and I promised Farmerson, the ironmonger, to give him a
+turn if I wanted any nails or tools. By-the-by, that
+reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bells
+must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the front
+door rings up in the servant&rsquo;s bedroom, which is
+ridiculous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but
+wouldn&rsquo;t stay, saying there was an infernal smell of
+paint.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 4. Tradesmen still
+calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to deal with Horwin, who
+seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. Ordered a
+shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial.
+Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound
+of fresh butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for
+kitchen, and a shilling&rsquo;s worth of eggs. In the
+evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me a meerschaum
+pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle it
+carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was
+moist. He said he wouldn&rsquo;t stay, as he didn&rsquo;t
+care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper
+as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I
+shall get into a <i>scrape</i>. I don&rsquo;t often make
+jokes.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 5.&mdash;Two shoulders of
+mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with another butcher
+without consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over scraper
+coming in. <i>Must</i> get that scraper removed.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 6.&mdash;Eggs for breakfast
+simply shocking; sent them back to Borset with my compliments,
+and he needn&rsquo;t call any more for orders.
+Couldn&rsquo;t find umbrella, and though it was pouring with
+rain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have
+took it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the
+&lsquo;all that didn&rsquo;t belong to nobody. In the
+evening, hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant
+in the downstairs hall, I went out to see who it was, and was
+surprised to find it was Borset, the butterman, who was both
+drunk and offensive. Borset, on seeing me, said he would be
+hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any more&mdash;the game
+wasn&rsquo;t worth the candle. I restrained my feelings,
+and quietly remarked that I thought it was <i>possible</i> for a
+city clerk to be a <i>gentleman</i>. He replied he was very
+glad to hear it, and wanted to know whether I had ever come
+across one, for <i>he</i> hadn&rsquo;t. He left the house,
+slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and
+I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I
+hadn&rsquo;t removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a
+splendid answer I ought to have given him. However, I will
+keep it for another occasion.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 7.&mdash;Being Saturday, I
+looked forward to being home early, and putting a few things
+straight; but two of our principals at the office were absent
+through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found
+Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to
+apologise for his conduct last night. He said he was unable
+to take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last night
+instead. He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of
+fresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow;
+so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request that
+on this occasion they <i>should</i> be fresh. I am afraid
+we shall have to get some new stair-carpets after all; our old
+ones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint on either
+side. Carrie suggests that we might ourselves broaden the
+paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark
+chocolate) on Monday.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 8, Sunday.&mdash;After
+Church, the Curate came back with us. I sent Carrie in to
+open front door, which we do not use except on special
+occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my
+display, I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did
+not catch,) round the side entrance. He caught his foot in
+the scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers. Most
+annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them on a
+Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk
+round the garden, and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing
+mustard-and-cress and radishes. Went to Church again in the
+evening: walked back with the Curate. Carrie noticed he had
+got on the same pair of trousers, only repaired. He wants
+me to take round the plate, which I think a great compliment.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER II</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Tradesmen and the scraper still
+troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with his complaints of
+the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life.
+Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings,
+and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a
+fool before Cummings.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 9.&mdash;Commenced the
+morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided <i>not</i> to
+arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for
+manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want
+my custom. I simply said: &ldquo;Then what are you making
+all this fuss about it for?&rdquo; And he shouted out at
+the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could hear:
+&ldquo;Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up
+&lsquo;things&rsquo; like you by the dozen!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this
+disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a
+violent kicking at the door, enough to break the panels. It
+was the blackguard butcher again, who said he had cut his foot
+over the scraper, and would immediately bring an action against
+me. Called at Farmerson&rsquo;s, the ironmonger, on my way
+to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper and repairing
+the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the
+landlord with such a trifling matter.</p>
+
+<p>Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter
+and decorator, who had sent in a card, said he could not match
+the colour on the stairs, as it contained Indian carmine.
+He said he spent half-a-day calling at warehouses to see if he
+could get it. He suggested he should entirely repaint the
+stairs. It would cost very little more; if he tried to
+match it, he could only make a bad job of it. It would be
+more satisfactory to him and to us to have the work done
+properly. I consented, but felt I had been talked
+over. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and went
+to bed at nine.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 10.&mdash;Farmerson came
+round to attend to the scraper himself. He seems a very
+civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct such
+small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked
+him, and went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of
+the young clerks are at arriving. I told three of them that
+if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be
+discharged.</p>
+
+<p>Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six
+weeks, told me &ldquo;to keep my hair on!&rdquo; I informed
+him I had had the honour of being in the firm twenty years, to
+which he insolently replied that I &ldquo;looked it.&rdquo;
+I gave him an indignant look, and said: &ldquo;I demand from you
+some respect, sir.&rdquo; He replied: &ldquo;All right, go
+on demanding.&rdquo; I would not argue with him any
+further. You cannot argue with people like that. In
+the evening Gowing called, and repeated his complaint about the
+smell of paint. Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his
+remarks, and not always cautious; and Carrie once very properly
+reminded him that she was present.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 11.&mdash;Mustard-and-cress
+and radishes not come up yet. To-day was a day of
+annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine &rsquo;bus to the
+City, through having words with the grocer&rsquo;s boy, who for
+the second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the
+hall-door, and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the
+fresh-cleaned door-steps. He said he had knocked at the
+side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. I
+knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairs
+doing the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the
+bell? He replied that he did pull the bell, but the handle
+came off in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never
+happened to me before. There has recently been much
+irregularity in the attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp,
+our principal, unfortunately chose this very morning to pounce
+down upon us early. Someone had given the tip to the
+others. The result was that I was the only one late of the
+lot. Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I
+was saved by his intervention. As I passed by Pitt&rsquo;s
+desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour: &ldquo;How
+disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!&rdquo;
+This was, of course, meant for me. I treated the
+observation with silence, simply giving him a look, which
+unfortunately had the effect of making both of the clerks
+laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more dignified
+if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummings
+called in the evening, and we played dominoes.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 12.&mdash;Mustard-and-cress
+and radishes not come up yet. Left Farmerson repairing the
+scraper, but when I came home found three men working. I
+asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a
+fresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was a
+most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it
+evidently knew nothing about his business. I felt his
+excuse was no consolation for the expense I shall be put to.</p>
+
+<p>In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a
+smoke together in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us
+later, but did not stay long, saying the smoke was too much for
+her. It was also rather too much for me, for Gowing had
+given me what he called a green cigar, one that his friend
+Shoemach had just brought over from America. The cigar
+didn&rsquo;t look green, but I fancy I must have done so; for
+when I had smoked a little more than half I was obliged to retire
+on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.</p>
+
+<p>I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling
+the need of fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was
+not smoking: offered me another cigar, which I politely
+declined. Gowing began his usual sniffing, so, anticipating
+him, I said: &ldquo;You&rsquo;re not going to complain of the
+smell of paint again?&rdquo; He said: &ldquo;No, not this
+time; but I&rsquo;ll tell you what, I distinctly smell dry
+rot.&rdquo; I don&rsquo;t often make jokes, but I replied:
+&ldquo;You&rsquo;re talking a lot of <i>dry rot</i>
+yourself.&rdquo; I could not help roaring at this, and
+Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I never
+was so immensely tickled by anything I have ever said
+before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and
+laughed till the bed shook.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 13.&mdash;An extraordinary
+coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman to make some chintz
+covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent the sun
+fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman, and
+recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old
+aunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world is.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 14.&mdash;Spent the whole of
+the afternoon in the garden, having this morning picked up at a
+bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in good condition,
+on <i>Gardening</i>. I procured and sowed some half-hardy
+annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I
+thought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out
+rather testy, I thought. I said: &ldquo;I have just
+discovered we have got a lodging-house.&rdquo; She replied:
+&ldquo;How do you mean?&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;Look at the
+<i>boarders</i>.&rdquo; Carrie said: &ldquo;Is that all you
+wanted me for?&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;Any other time you
+would have laughed at my little pleasantry.&rdquo; Carrie
+said: &ldquo;Certainly&mdash;<i>at any other time</i>, but not
+when I am busy in the house.&rdquo; The stairs looked very
+nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked <i>all
+right</i>, but it made the banisters look <i>all wrong</i>, and
+suggested a coat of paint on them also, which Carrie quite agreed
+with. I walked round to Putley, and fortunately he was out,
+so I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide.
+By-the-by, that is rather funny.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 15, Sunday.&mdash;At three
+o&rsquo;clock Cummings and Gowing called for a good long walk
+over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend named
+Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except
+Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the
+ground and cutting at the grass with his stick.</p>
+
+<p>As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation,
+and Gowing suggested that we should make for &ldquo;The Cow and
+Hedge&rdquo; and get some tea. Stillbrook said: &ldquo;A
+brandy-and-soda was good enough for him.&rdquo; I reminded
+them that all public-houses were closed till six
+o&rsquo;clock. Stillbrook said, &ldquo;That&rsquo;s all
+right&mdash;<i>bona-fide</i> travellers.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of
+the gate said: &ldquo;Where from?&rdquo; I replied:
+&ldquo;Holloway.&rdquo; He immediately put up his arm, and
+declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when I
+saw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for
+the entrance. I watched them, and thought I would have a
+good laugh at their expense, I heard the porter say: &ldquo;Where
+from?&rdquo; When, to my surprise, in fact disgust,
+Stillbrook replied: &ldquo;Blackheath,&rdquo; and the three were
+immediately admitted.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: &ldquo;We
+shan&rsquo;t be a minute.&rdquo; I waited for them the best
+part of an hour. When they appeared they were all in most
+excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to
+apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: &ldquo;It was very
+rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S.
+and B.&rsquo;s.&rdquo; I walked home in silence; I
+couldn&rsquo;t speak to them. I felt very dull all the
+evening, but deemed it advisable <i>not</i> to say anything to
+Carrie about the matter.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 16.&mdash;After business, set
+to work in the garden. When it got dark I wrote to Cummings
+and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhaps they were
+ashamed of themselves) about yesterday&rsquo;s adventure at
+&ldquo;The Cow and Hedge.&rdquo; Afterwards made up my mind
+not to write <i>yet</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 17.&mdash;Thought I would
+write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings about last
+Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook.
+Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and
+determined not to <i>write</i> at all, but to <i>speak</i>
+quietly to them. Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter
+from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been waiting
+for an explanation of <i>my</i> (mind you, <span
+class="smcap">my</span>) extraordinary conduct coming home on
+Sunday. At last I wrote: &ldquo;I thought I was the
+aggrieved party; but as I freely forgive you, you&mdash;feeling
+yourself aggrieved&mdash;should bestow forgiveness on
+me.&rdquo; I have copied this <i>verbatim</i> in the diary,
+because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful
+sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but in
+my own heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been
+insulted.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 18.&mdash;Am in for a
+cold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing. In
+the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for a
+bottle of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke
+with the shivers. Was startled by a loud knock at the front
+door. Carrie awfully flurried. Sarah still out, so
+went up, opened the door, and found it was only Cummings.
+Remembered the grocer&rsquo;s boy had again broken the
+side-bell. Cummings squeezed my hand, and said:
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve just seen Gowing. All right. Say no
+more about it.&rdquo; There is no doubt they are both under
+the impression I have apologised.</p>
+
+<p>While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said:
+&ldquo;By-the-by, do you want any wine or spirits? My
+cousin Merton has just set up in the trade, and has a splendid
+whisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eight shillings. It
+is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.&rdquo; I
+told him my cellars, which were very small, were full up.
+To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and
+putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of
+newspaper, on the table in front of us, said: &ldquo;Please, sir,
+the grocer says he ain&rsquo;t got no more Kinahan, but
+you&rsquo;ll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence
+returned on the bottle; and, please, did you want any more
+sherry? as he has some at one-and-three, as dry as a
+nut!&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER III</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">A conversation with Mr. Merton on
+Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, of Sutton, come up. A
+miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experiments with
+enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing and
+Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red,
+with unexpected result.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 19.&mdash;Cummings called,
+bringing with him his friend Merton, who is in the wine
+trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made himself at
+home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him
+immediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.</p>
+
+<p>He leaned back in his chair and said: &ldquo;You must take me
+as I am;&rdquo; and I replied: &ldquo;Yes&mdash;and you must take
+us as we are. We&rsquo;re homely people, we are not
+swells.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He answered: &ldquo;No, I can see that,&rdquo; and Gowing
+roared with laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner
+said to Gowing: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think you quite understand
+me. I intended to convey that our charming host and hostess
+were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading a
+simple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny
+tea-drinking afternoons, and living above their
+incomes.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of
+Merton&rsquo;s, and concluded that subject by saying: &ldquo;No,
+candidly, Mr. Merton, we don&rsquo;t go into Society, because we
+do not care for it; and what with the expense of cabs here and
+cabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it
+doesn&rsquo;t seem worth the money.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Merton said in reference to <i>friends</i>: &ldquo;My motto is
+&lsquo;Few and True;&rsquo; and, by the way, I also apply that to
+wine, &lsquo;Little and Good.&rsquo;&rdquo; Gowing said:
+&ldquo;Yes, and sometimes &lsquo;cheap and tasty,&rsquo; eh, old
+man?&rdquo; Merton, still continuing, said he should treat
+me as a friend, and put me down for a dozen of his
+&ldquo;Lockanbar&rdquo; whisky, and as I was an old friend of
+Gowing, I should have it for 36s., which was considerably under
+what he paid for it.</p>
+
+<p>He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I
+wanted any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his
+name stood good for any theatre in London.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 20.&mdash;Carrie reminded me
+that as her old school friend, Annie Fullers (now Mrs. James),
+and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days, it would
+look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line to
+Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the Italian
+Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that
+effect.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 21.&mdash;Got a reply from
+Merton, saying he was very busy, and just at present
+couldn&rsquo;t manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket,
+Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the
+<i>Brown Bushes</i>, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed
+seats for four; also bill for whisky.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 23.&mdash;Mr. and Mrs. James
+(Miss Fullers that was) came to meat tea, and we left directly
+after for the Tank Theatre. We got a &rsquo;bus that took
+us to King&rsquo;s Cross, and then changed into one that took us
+to the &ldquo;Angel.&rdquo; Mr. James each time insisted on
+paying for all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and that
+was quite enough.</p>
+
+<p>We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our
+&rsquo;bus-load except an old woman with a basket seemed to be
+going in. I walked ahead and presented the tickets.
+The man looked at them, and called out: &ldquo;Mr. Willowly! do
+you know anything about these?&rdquo; holding up my
+tickets. The gentleman called to, came up and examined my
+tickets, and said: &ldquo;Who gave you these?&rdquo; I
+said, rather indignantly: &ldquo;Mr. Merton, of
+course.&rdquo; He said: &ldquo;Merton? Who&rsquo;s
+he?&rdquo; I answered, rather sharply: &ldquo;You ought to
+know, his name&rsquo;s good at any theatre in
+London.&rdquo; He replied: &ldquo;Oh! is it? Well, it
+ain&rsquo;t no good here. These tickets, which are not
+dated, were issued under Mr. Swinstead&rsquo;s management, which
+has since changed hands.&rdquo; While I was having some
+very unpleasant words with the man, James, who had gone upstairs
+with the ladies, called out: &ldquo;Come on!&rdquo; I went
+up after them, and a very civil attendant said: &ldquo;This way,
+please, box H.&rdquo; I said to James: &ldquo;Why, how on
+earth did you manage it?&rdquo; and to my horror he replied:
+&ldquo;Why, paid for it of course.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the
+play, but I was doomed to still further humiliation. I was
+leaning out of the box, when my tie&mdash;a little black bow
+which fastened on to the stud by means of a new patent&mdash;fell
+into the pit below. A clumsy man not noticing it, had his
+foot on it for ever so long before he discovered it. He
+then picked it up and eventually flung it under the next seat in
+disgust. What with the box incident and the tie, I felt
+quite miserable. Mr. James, of Sutton, was very good.
+He said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t worry&mdash;no one will notice it
+with your beard. That is the only advantage of growing one
+that I can see.&rdquo; There was no occasion for that
+remark, for Carrie is very proud of my beard.</p>
+
+<p>To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the
+rest of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of my
+neck.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 24.&mdash;Could scarcely
+sleep a wink through thinking of having brought up Mr. and Mrs.
+James from the country to go to the theatre last night, and his
+having paid for a private box because our order was not honoured,
+and such a poor play too. I wrote a very satirical letter
+to Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said,
+&ldquo;Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did our best
+to appreciate the performance.&rdquo; I thought this line
+rather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p&rsquo;s there were
+in appreciate, and she said, &ldquo;One.&rdquo; After I
+sent off the letter I looked at the dictionary and found there
+were two. Awfully vexed at this.</p>
+
+<p>Decided not to worry myself any more about the James&rsquo;s;
+for, as Carrie wisely said, &ldquo;We&rsquo;ll make it all right
+with them by asking them up from Sutton one evening next week to
+play at Bézique.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 25.&mdash;In consequence of
+Brickwell telling me his wife was working wonders with the new
+Pinkford&rsquo;s enamel paint, I determined to try it. I
+bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened through
+tea, went into the garden and painted some flower-pots. I
+called out Carrie, who said: &ldquo;You&rsquo;ve always got some
+newfangled craze;&rdquo; but she was obliged to admit that the
+flower-pots looked remarkably well. Went upstairs into the
+servant&rsquo;s bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse,
+and chest of drawers. To my mind it was an extraordinary
+improvement, but as an example of the ignorance of the lower
+classes in the matter of taste, our servant, Sarah, on seeing
+them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said &ldquo;she
+thought they looked very well as they was before.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 26.&mdash;Got some more red
+enamel paint (red, to my mind, being the best colour), and
+painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of our <i>Shakspeare</i>,
+the binding of which had almost worn out.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 27.&mdash;Painted the bath
+red, and was delighted with the result. Sorry to say Carrie
+was not, in fact we had a few words about it. She said I
+ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such a
+thing as a bath being painted red. I replied:
+&ldquo;It&rsquo;s merely a matter of taste.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a
+voice saying, &ldquo;May I come in?&rdquo; It was only
+Cummings, who said, &ldquo;Your maid opened the door, and asked
+me to excuse her showing me in, as she was wringing out some
+socks.&rdquo; I was delighted to see him, and suggested we
+should have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way of merriment
+said: &ldquo;You can be the dummy.&rdquo; Cummings (I
+thought rather ill-naturedly) replied: &ldquo;Funny as
+usual.&rdquo; He said he couldn&rsquo;t stop, he only
+called to leave me the <i>Bicycle News</i>, as he had done with
+it.</p>
+
+<p>Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he
+&ldquo;must apologise for coming so often, and that one of these
+days we must come round to <i>him</i>.&rdquo; I said:
+&ldquo;A very extraordinary thing has struck me.&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Something funny, as usual,&rdquo; said Cummings.
+&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; I replied; &ldquo;I think even you will say so
+this time. It&rsquo;s concerning you both; for
+doesn&rsquo;t it seem odd that Gowing&rsquo;s always coming and
+Cummings&rsquo; always going?&rdquo; Carrie, who had
+evidently quite forgotten about the bath, went into fits of
+laughter, and as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my chair,
+till it cracked beneath me. I think this was one of the
+best jokes I have ever made.</p>
+
+<p>Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and
+Gowing perfectly silent, and without a smile on their
+faces. After rather an unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had
+opened a cigar-case, closed it up again and said:
+&ldquo;Yes&mdash;I think, after that, I <i>shall</i> be going,
+and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes.&rdquo;
+Gowing said he didn&rsquo;t mind a joke when it wasn&rsquo;t
+rude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, was certainly a
+little wanting in good taste. Cummings followed it up by
+saying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, he
+shouldn&rsquo;t have entered the house again. This rather
+unpleasantly terminated what might have been a cheerful
+evening. However, it was as well they went, for the
+charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 28.&mdash;At the office, the
+new and very young clerk Pitt, who was very impudent to me a week
+or so ago, was late again. I told him it would be my duty
+to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise, Pitt
+apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. I
+was unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner
+towards me, and told him I would look over his
+unpunctuality. Passing down the room an hour later. I
+received a smart smack in the face from a rolled-up ball of hard
+foolscap. I turned round sharply, but all the clerks were
+apparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but
+I would give half-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown by
+accident or design. Went home early and bought some more
+enamel paint&mdash;black this time&mdash;and spent the evening
+touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair of boots,
+making them look as good as new. Also painted
+Gowing&rsquo;s walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it
+look like ebony.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 29, Sunday.&mdash;Woke up
+with a fearful headache and strong symptoms of a cold.
+Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, said it was
+&ldquo;painter&rsquo;s colic,&rdquo; and was the result of my
+having spent the last few days with my nose over a
+paint-pot. I told her firmly that I knew a great deal
+better what was the matter with me than she did. I had got
+a chill, and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear
+it. Bath ready&mdash;could scarcely bear it so hot. I
+persevered, and got in; very hot, but very acceptable. I
+lay still for some time.</p>
+
+<p>On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I
+experienced the greatest fright I ever received in the whole
+course of my life; for imagine my horror on discovering my hand,
+as I thought, full of blood. My first thought was that I
+had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to death, and should be
+discovered, later on, looking like a second Marat, as I remember
+seeing him in Madame Tussaud&rsquo;s. My second thought was
+to ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell to ring.
+My third was, that there was nothing but the enamel paint, which
+had dissolved with boiling water. I stepped out of the
+bath, perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I have
+seen depicted at an East-End theatre. I determined not to
+say a word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and
+paint the bath white.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">The ball at the Mansion House.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 30.&mdash;Perfectly astounded
+at receiving an invitation for Carrie and myself from the Lord
+and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to &ldquo;meet the
+Representatives of Trades and Commerce.&rdquo; My heart
+beat like that of a schoolboy&rsquo;s. Carrie and I read
+the invitation over two or three times. I could scarcely
+eat my breakfast. I said&mdash;and I felt it from the
+bottom of my heart,&mdash;&ldquo;Carrie darling, I was a proud
+man when I led you down the aisle of the church on our
+wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if not surpassed, when
+I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady Mayoress at
+the Mansion House.&rdquo; I saw the tears in Carrie&rsquo;s
+eyes, and she said: &ldquo;Charlie dear, it is <i>I</i> who have
+to be proud of you. And I am very, very proud of you.
+You have called me pretty; and as long as I am pretty in your
+eyes, I am happy. You, dear old Charlie, are not handsome,
+but you are <i>good</i>, which is far more noble.&rdquo; I
+gave her a kiss, and she said: &ldquo;I wonder if there will be
+any dancing? I have not danced with you for
+years.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round
+the waist, and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind
+of polka when Sarah entered, grinning, and said: &ldquo;There is
+a man, mum, at the door who wants to know if you want any good
+coals.&rdquo; Most annoyed at this. Spent the evening
+in answering, and tearing up again, the reply to the Mansion
+House, having left word with Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called
+we were not at home. Must consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer
+the Lord Mayor&rsquo;s invitation.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 1.&mdash;Carrie said: &ldquo;I
+should like to send mother the invitation to look
+at.&rdquo; I consented, as soon as I had answered it.
+I told Mr. Perkupp, at the office, with a feeling of pride, that
+we had received an invitation to the Mansion House; and he said,
+to my astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lord
+Mayor&rsquo;s secretary. I felt this rather discounted the
+value of the invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply to me,
+he described how I was to answer it. I felt the reply was
+too simple; but of course Mr. Perkupp knows best.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 2.&mdash;Sent my dress-coat and
+trousers to the little tailor&rsquo;s round the corner, to have
+the creases taken out. Told Gowing not to call next Monday,
+as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar note to
+Cummings.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 3.&mdash;Carrie went to Mrs.
+James, at Sutton, to consult about her dress for next
+Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our
+head clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: &ldquo;Oh,
+I&rsquo;m asked, but don&rsquo;t think I shall go.&rdquo;
+When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel my invitation is
+considerably discounted. In the evening, while I was out,
+the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, and because
+Sarah had not a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took them
+away again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 4.&mdash;Carrie&rsquo;s mother
+returned the Lord Mayor&rsquo;s invitation, which was sent to her
+to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of port over
+it. I was too angry to say anything.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 5.&mdash;Bought a pair of
+lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and two white ties, in case
+one got spoiled in the tying.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 6, Sunday.&mdash;A very dull
+sermon, during which, I regret to say, I twice thought of the
+Mansion House reception to-morrow.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 7.&mdash;A big red-letter day;
+viz., the Lord Mayor&rsquo;s reception. The whole house
+upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie
+wanted the room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from
+Sutton to help Carrie; so I could not help thinking it
+unreasonable that she should require the entire attention of
+Sarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running out of the
+house to fetch &ldquo;something for missis,&rdquo; and several
+times I had, in my full evening-dress, to answer the
+back-door.</p>
+
+<p>The last time it was the greengrocer&rsquo;s boy, who, not
+seeing it was me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into
+my hands two cabbages and half-a-dozen coal-blocks. I
+indignantly threw them on the ground, and felt so annoyed that I
+so far forgot myself as to box the boy&rsquo;s ears. He
+went away crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I would
+not have happen for the world. In the dark, I stepped on a
+piece of the cabbage, which brought me down on the flags all of a
+heap. For a moment I was stunned, but when I recovered I
+crawled upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking into the
+chimney-glass discovered that my chin was bleeding, my shirt
+smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at the
+knee.</p>
+
+<p>However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I
+changed in the drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster
+on my chin, and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the
+knee. At nine o&rsquo;clock Carrie swept into the room,
+looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely,
+or so distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of
+sky-blue&mdash;my favourite colour&mdash;and a piece of lace,
+which Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders, to give a
+finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long
+behind, and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it
+was <i>à la mode</i>. Mrs. James was most kind, and
+lent Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers, the value of which,
+she said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged to the Kachu
+eagle&mdash;a bird now extinct. I preferred the little
+white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six at
+Shoolbred&rsquo;s, but both ladies sat on me at once.</p>
+
+<p>We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather
+fortunate, for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship,
+who graciously condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I
+must say I was disappointed to find he did not even know Mr.
+Perkupp, our principal.</p>
+
+<p>I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one
+who did not know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived,
+and I shall never forget the grand sight. My humble pen can
+never describe it. I was a little annoyed with Carrie, who
+kept saying: &ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t it a pity we don&rsquo;t know
+anybody?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked
+like Franching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she
+seized me by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly:
+&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t leave me,&rdquo; which caused an elderly
+gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, and two
+ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowd
+in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid
+supper&mdash;any amount of champagne.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for
+I sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a
+dish she did not taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat
+much. Receiving a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned,
+and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, our ironmonger. He
+said, in the most familiar way: &ldquo;This is better than
+Brickfield Terrace, eh?&rdquo; I simply looked at him, and
+said coolly: &ldquo;I never expected to see you
+here.&rdquo; He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: &ldquo;I
+like that&mdash;if <i>you</i>, why not <i>me</i>?&rdquo; I
+replied: &ldquo;Certainly,&rdquo; I wish I could have thought of
+something better to say. He said: &ldquo;Can I get your
+good lady anything?&rdquo; Carrie said: &ldquo;No, I thank
+you,&rdquo; for which I was pleased. I said, by way of
+reproof to him: &ldquo;You never sent to-day to paint the bath,
+as I requested.&rdquo; Farmerson said: &ldquo;Pardon me,
+Mr. Pooter, no shop when we&rsquo;re in company,
+please.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full
+Court costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an
+old friend, and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I
+was astonished. For full five minutes they stood roaring
+with laughter, and stood digging each other in the ribs.
+They kept telling each other they didn&rsquo;t look a day
+older. They began embracing each other and drinking
+champagne.</p>
+
+<p>To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any
+member of our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie,
+when Farmerson seized me rather roughly by the collar, and
+addressing the sheriff, said: &ldquo;Let me introduce my
+neighbour, Pooter.&rdquo; He did not even say
+&ldquo;Mister.&rdquo; The sheriff handed me a glass of
+champagne. I felt, after all, it was a great honour to
+drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so. We stood
+chatting for some time, and at last I said: &ldquo;You must
+excuse me now if I join Mrs. Pooter.&rdquo; When I
+approached her, she said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t let me take you away
+from friends. I am quite happy standing here alone in a
+crowd, knowing nobody!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the
+time nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said:
+&ldquo;I hope my darling little wife will dance with me, if only
+for the sake of saying we had danced at the Mansion House as
+guests of the Lord Mayor.&rdquo; Finding the dancing after
+supper was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used to
+admire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round her
+waist and we commenced a waltz.</p>
+
+<p>A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new
+pair of boots. Foolishly, I had omitted to take
+Carrie&rsquo;s advice; namely, to scratch the soles of them with
+the points of the scissors or to put a little wet on them.
+I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slipped
+away and I came down, the side of my head striking the floor with
+such violence that for a second or two I did not know what had
+happened. I needly hardly say that Carrie fell with me with
+equal violence, breaking the comb in her hair and grazing her
+elbow.</p>
+
+<p>There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked
+when people found that we had really hurt ourselves. A
+gentleman assisted Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself
+pretty strongly on the danger of having a plain polished floor
+with no carpet or drugget to prevent people slipping. The
+gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, insisted on escorting
+Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was pleased
+to allow Carrie to accept.</p>
+
+<p>I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his
+loud voice &ldquo;Oh, are you the one who went down?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I answered with an indignant look.</p>
+
+<p>With execrable taste, he said: &ldquo;Look here, old man, we
+are too old for this game. We must leave these capers to
+the youngsters. Come and have another glass, that is more
+in our line.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we
+followed the others into the supper-room.</p>
+
+<p>Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt
+inclined to stay longer. As we were departing, Farmerson
+said: &ldquo;Are you going? if so, you might give me a
+lift.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted
+Carrie.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER V</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie
+offended. Gowing also offended. A pleasant party at
+the Cummings&rsquo;. Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits
+us.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 8.&mdash;I woke up with a most
+terrible headache. I could scarcely see, and the back of my
+neck was as if I had given it a crick. I thought first of
+sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary.
+When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish&rsquo;s, the chemist,
+who gave me a draught. So bad at the office, had to get
+leave to come home. Went to another chemist in the City,
+and I got a draught. Brownish&rsquo;s dose seems to have
+made me worse; have eaten nothing all day. To make matters
+worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me
+sharply&mdash;that is, when she answered at all.</p>
+
+<p>In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her:
+&ldquo;I do believe I&rsquo;ve been poisoned by the lobster
+mayonnaise at the Mansion House last night;&rdquo; she simply
+replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing:
+&ldquo;Champagne never did agree with you.&rdquo; I felt
+irritated, and said: &ldquo;What nonsense you talk; I only had a
+glass and a half, and you know as well as I
+do&mdash;&rdquo; Before I could complete the sentence she
+bounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting for her
+to return; but as she did not, I determined I would go to
+bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even
+saying &ldquo;good-night&rdquo;; leaving me to bar the scullery
+door and feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about
+this in the morning.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 9.&mdash;Still a little shaky,
+with black specks. The <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>
+contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion House
+Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though
+Farmerson&rsquo;s is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it,
+whatever that may mean. More than vexed, because we had
+ordered a dozen copies to send to our friends. Wrote to the
+<i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>, pointing out their
+omission.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the
+parlour. I helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said,
+perfectly calmly and quietly: &ldquo;Carrie, I wish a little
+explanation of your conduct last night.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>She replied, &ldquo;Indeed! and I desire something more than a
+little explanation of your conduct the night before.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said, coolly: &ldquo;Really, I don&rsquo;t understand
+you.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Carrie said sneeringly: &ldquo;Probably not; you were scarcely
+in a condition to understand anything.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated:
+&ldquo;Caroline!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>She said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t be theatrical, it has no effect
+on me. Reserve that tone for your new friend, Mister
+Farmerson, the ironmonger.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have
+never seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She
+said: &ldquo;Now <i>I&rsquo;m</i> going to say something!
+After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, you permit him to snub
+<i>you</i>, in my presence, and then accept his invitation to
+take a glass of champagne with you, and you don&rsquo;t limit
+yourself to one glass. You then offer this vulgar man, who
+made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the
+way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in
+getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James&rsquo;s
+expensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he
+never even apologised; but you smoked all the way home without
+having the decency to ask my permission. That is not
+all! At the end of the journey, although he did not offer
+you a farthing towards his share of the cab, you asked him
+in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, from my
+manner, that his company was not desirable.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make
+matters worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with
+two hats on his head and holding the garden-rake in his hand,
+with Carrie&rsquo;s fur tippet (which he had taken off the
+downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a
+loud, coarse voice: &ldquo;His Royal Highness, the Lord
+Mayor!&rdquo; He marched twice round the room like a
+buffoon, and finding we took no notice, said: &ldquo;Hulloh!
+what&rsquo;s up? Lovers&rsquo; quarrel, eh?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: &ldquo;My
+dear Gowing, I&rsquo;m not very well, and not quite in the humour
+for joking; especially when you enter the room without knocking,
+an act which I fail to see the fun of.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m very sorry, but I called for my
+stick, which I thought you would have sent round.&rdquo; I
+handed him his stick, which I remembered I had painted black with
+the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He looked at it
+for a minute with a dazed expression and said: &ldquo;Who did
+this?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Eh, did what?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He said: &ldquo;Did what? Why, destroyed my stick!
+It belonged to my poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I
+have in the world! I&rsquo;ll know who did it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m very sorry. I dare say it will
+come off. I did it for the best.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;Then all I can say is, it&rsquo;s a
+confounded liberty; and I <i>would</i> add, you&rsquo;re a bigger
+fool than you look, only <i>that&rsquo;s</i> absolutely
+impossible.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 12.&mdash;Got a single copy of
+the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>. There was a short
+list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid people had
+mentioned our names as &ldquo;Mr. and Mrs. C.
+Porter.&rdquo; Most annoying! Wrote again and I took
+particular care to write our name in capital letters,
+<i>POOTER</i>, so that there should be no possible mistake this
+time.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 16.&mdash;Absolutely disgusted
+on opening the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i> of to-day, to
+find the following paragraph: &ldquo;We have received two letters
+from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to announce the
+important fact that they were at the Mansion House
+Ball.&rdquo; I tore up the paper and threw it in the
+waste-paper basket. My time is far too valuable to bother
+about such trifles.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 21.&mdash;The last week or ten
+days terribly dull, Carrie being away at Mrs. James&rsquo;s, at
+Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I presume, is
+still offended with me for black enamelling his stick without
+asking him.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 22.&mdash;Purchased a new stick
+mounted with silver, which cost seven-and-sixpence (shall tell
+Carrie five shillings), and sent it round with nice note to
+Gowing.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 23.&mdash;Received strange note
+from Gowing; he said: &ldquo;Offended? not a bit, my boy&mdash;I
+thought you were offended with me for losing my temper.
+Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle&rsquo;s
+stick you painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at
+a tobacconist&rsquo;s. However, I am much obliged to you
+for your handsome present all same.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 24.&mdash;Carrie back.
+Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except that the sun has
+caught her nose.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 25.&mdash;Carrie brought down
+some of my shirts and advised me to take them to Trillip&rsquo;s
+round the corner. She said: &ldquo;The fronts and cuffs are
+much frayed.&rdquo; I said without a moment&rsquo;s
+hesitation: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m <i>&rsquo;frayed</i> they
+are.&rdquo; Lor! how we roared. I thought we should
+never stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting next the
+driver going to town on the &rsquo;bus, I told him my joke about
+the &ldquo;frayed&rdquo; shirts. I thought he would have
+rolled off his seat. They laughed at the office a good bit
+too over it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 26.&mdash;Left the shirts to be
+repaired at Trillip&rsquo;s. I said to him:
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;m <i>&rsquo;fraid</i> they are
+<i>frayed</i>.&rdquo; He said, without a smile:
+&ldquo;They&rsquo;re bound to do that, sir.&rdquo; Some
+people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 1.&mdash;The last week has
+been like old times, Carrie being back, and Gowing and Cummings
+calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat out in the
+garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of
+children, and played &ldquo;consequences.&rdquo; It is a
+good game.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">June</span>
+2.&mdash;&ldquo;Consequences&rdquo; again this evening. Not
+quite so successful as last night; Gowing having several times
+overstepped the limits of good taste.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 4.&mdash;In the evening Carrie
+and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. Cummings&rsquo; to spend a quiet
+evening with them. Gowing was there, also Mr.
+Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings
+sang five or six songs, &ldquo;No, Sir,&rdquo; and &ldquo;The
+Garden of Sleep,&rdquo; being best in my humble judgment; but
+what pleased me most was the duet she sang with
+Carrie&mdash;classical duet, too. I think it is called,
+&ldquo;I would that my love!&rdquo; It was beautiful.
+If Carrie had been in better voice, I don&rsquo;t think
+professionals could have sung it better. After supper we
+made them sing it again. I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since
+the walk that Sunday to the &ldquo;Cow and Hedge,&rdquo; but I
+must say he sings comic-songs well. His song: &ldquo;We
+don&rsquo;t Want the old men now,&rdquo; made us shriek with
+laughter, especially the verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; but
+there was one verse I think he might have omitted, and I said so,
+but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 6.&mdash;Trillip brought round
+the shirts and, to my disgust, his charge for repairing was more
+than I gave for them when new. I told him so, and he
+impertinently replied: &ldquo;Well, they are better now than when
+they were new.&rdquo; I paid him, and said it was a
+robbery. He said: &ldquo;If you wanted your shirt-fronts
+made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing and
+bookbinding, why didn&rsquo;t you say so?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 7.&mdash;A dreadful
+annoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who lives at Peckham, and who
+is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to come
+home to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think he
+would accept such a humble invitation; but he did, saying, in a
+most friendly way, he would rather &ldquo;peck&rdquo; with us
+than by himself. I said: &ldquo;We had better get into this
+blue &rsquo;bus.&rdquo; He replied: &ldquo;No blue-bussing
+for me. I have had enough of the blues lately. I lost
+a cool &lsquo;thou&rsquo; over the Copper Scare. Step in
+here.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked
+three times at the front door without getting an answer. I
+saw Carrie, through the panels of ground-glass (with stars),
+rushing upstairs. I told Mr. Franching to wait at the door
+while I went round to the side. There I saw the
+grocer&rsquo;s boy actually picking off the paint on the door,
+which had formed into blisters. No time to reprove him; so
+went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen
+window. I let in Mr. Franching, and showed him into the
+drawing-room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who was changing
+her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come
+home. She replied: &ldquo;How can you do such a
+thing? You know it&rsquo;s Sarah&rsquo;s holiday, and
+there&rsquo;s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having
+turned with the hot weather.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped
+down, washed up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave
+Franching our views of Japan to look at while I ran round to the
+butcher&rsquo;s to get three chops.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 30.&mdash;The miserable cold
+weather is either upsetting me or Carrie, or both. We seem
+to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing, and this
+unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times.</p>
+
+<p>This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking
+about balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the
+conversation drifted into family matters, during which Carrie,
+without the slightest reason, referred in the most
+uncomplimentary manner to my poor father&rsquo;s pecuniary
+trouble. I retorted by saying that &ldquo;Pa, at all
+events, was a gentleman,&rdquo; whereupon Carrie burst out
+crying. I positively could not eat any breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was
+very sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from
+next Saturday. Franching called at office and asked me to
+dine at his club, &ldquo;The Constitutional.&rdquo; Fearing
+disagreeables at home after the &ldquo;tiff&rdquo; this morning,
+I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I was going out to dine
+and she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver bangle
+for Carrie.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 31.&mdash;Carrie was very
+pleased with the bangle, which I left with an affectionate note
+on her dressing-table last night before going to bed. I
+told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next
+Saturday. She replied quite happily that she did not mind,
+except that the weather was so bad, and she feared that Miss
+Jibbons would not be able to get her a seaside dress in
+time. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pink
+bows looked quite good enough; and Carrie said she should not
+think of wearing it. I was about to discuss the matter,
+when, remembering the argument yesterday, resolved to hold my
+tongue.</p>
+
+<p>I said to Carrie: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think we can do better
+than &lsquo;Good old Broadstairs.&rsquo;&rdquo; Carrie not
+only, to my astonishment, raised an objection to Broadstairs, for
+the first time; but begged me not to use the expression,
+&ldquo;Good old,&rdquo; but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and
+other <i>gentlemen</i> of his type. Hearing my &rsquo;bus
+pass the window, I was obliged to rush out of the house without
+kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted to her: &ldquo;I leave it
+to you to decide.&rdquo; On returning in the evening,
+Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided
+on Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour View
+Terrace, for apartments.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 1.&mdash;Ordered a new pair
+of trousers at Edwards&rsquo;s, and told them not to cut them so
+loose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and also tight
+at the knee, looked like a sailor&rsquo;s, and I heard Pitt, that
+objectionable youth at the office, call out
+&ldquo;Hornpipe&rdquo; as I passed his desk. Carrie has
+ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt,
+which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the
+evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, while I read to
+her the <i>Exchange and Mart</i>. We had a good laugh over
+my trying on the hat when she had finished it; Carrie saying it
+looked so funny with my beard, and how the people would have
+roared if I went on the stage like it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 2.&mdash;Mrs. Beck wrote to
+say we could have our usual rooms at Broadstairs.
+That&rsquo;s off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and a
+pair of tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks
+wearing in the City, and hear are all the &ldquo;go.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 3.&mdash;A beautiful
+day. Looking forward to to-morrow. Carrie bought a
+parasol about five feet long. I told her it was
+ridiculous. She said: &ldquo;Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one
+twice as long so;&rdquo; the matter dropped. I bought a
+capital hat for hot weather at the seaside. I don&rsquo;t
+know what it is called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in
+India, only made of straw. Got three new ties, two coloured
+handkerchiefs, and a pair of navy-blue socks at Pope
+Brothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrie told me
+not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth&rsquo;s telescope, which
+he always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it.
+Sent Sarah out for it. While everything was seeming so
+bright, the last post brought us a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying:
+&ldquo;I have just let all my house to one party, and am sorry I
+must take back my words, and am sorry you must find other
+apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased to
+accommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as her
+rooms are engaged Bank Holiday week.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie
+Lupin Pooter.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 4.&mdash;The first post
+brought a nice letter from our dear son Willie, acknowledging a
+trifling present which Carrie sent him, the day before yesterday
+being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement he
+turned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way
+from Oldham. He said he had got leave from the bank, and as
+Monday was a holiday he thought he would give us a little
+surprise.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 5, Sunday.&mdash;We have not
+seen Willie since last Christmas, and are pleased to notice what
+a fine young man he has grown. One would scarcely believe
+he was Carrie&rsquo;s son. He looks more like a younger
+brother. I rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit on
+a Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to church this
+morning; but he said he was tired after yesterday&rsquo;s
+journey, so I refrained from any remark on the subject. We
+had a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie&rsquo;s
+health.</p>
+
+<p>He said: &ldquo;Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I&rsquo;ve cut
+my first name, &lsquo;William,&rsquo; and taken the second name
+&lsquo;Lupin&rsquo;? In fact, I&rsquo;m only known at
+Oldham as &lsquo;Lupin Pooter.&rsquo; If you were to
+&lsquo;Willie&rsquo; me there, they wouldn&rsquo;t know what you
+meant.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was
+delighted, and began by giving a long history of the
+Lupins. I ventured to say that I thought William a nice
+simple name, and reminded him he was christened after his Uncle
+William, who was much respected in the City. Willie, in a
+manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: &ldquo;Oh,
+I know all about that&mdash;Good old Bill!&rdquo; and helped
+himself to a third glass of port.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie objected strongly to my saying &ldquo;Good old,&rdquo;
+but she made no remark when Willie used the double
+adjective. I said nothing, but looked at her, which meant
+more. I said: &ldquo;My dear Willie, I hope you are happy
+with your colleagues at the Bank.&rdquo; He replied:
+&ldquo;Lupin, if you please; and with respect to the Bank,
+there&rsquo;s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the
+&lsquo;boss&rsquo; is a cad.&rdquo; I felt so shocked, I
+could say nothing, and my instinct told me there was something
+wrong.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 6, Bank Holiday.&mdash;As
+there was no sign of Lupin moving at nine o&rsquo;clock, I
+knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted at half-past
+eight, and asked how long would he be? Lupin replied that
+he had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the
+house all night, and then with the sun streaming in through the
+window in his eyes, and giving him a cracking headache.
+Carrie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up,
+and he said he could do with a cup of tea, and didn&rsquo;t want
+anything to eat.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one,
+and said we dined at two; he said he &ldquo;would be
+there.&rdquo; He never came down till a quarter to
+three. I said: &ldquo;We have not seen much of you, and you
+will have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have to
+leave in an hour, unless you go by the midnight
+mail.&rdquo; He said: &ldquo;Look here, Guv&rsquo;nor,
+it&rsquo;s no use beating about the bush. I&rsquo;ve
+tendered my resignation at the Bank.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came
+again, I said: &ldquo;How dare you, sir? How dare you take
+such a serious step without consulting me? Don&rsquo;t
+answer me, sir!&mdash;you will sit down immediately, and write a
+note at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amply
+apologising for your thoughtlessness.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw:
+&ldquo;It&rsquo;s no use. If you want the good old truth,
+I&rsquo;ve got the chuck!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 7.&mdash;Mr. Perkupp has
+given me leave to postpone my holiday a week, as we could not get
+the room. This will give us an opportunity of trying to
+find an appointment for Willie before we go. The ambition
+of my life would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp&rsquo;s firm.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 11.&mdash;Although it is a
+serious matter having our boy Lupin on our hands, still it is
+satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the Bank simply
+because &ldquo;he took no interest in his work, and always
+arrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late.&rdquo; We can
+all start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light heart.
+This will take my mind off the worry of the last few days, which
+have been wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager
+of the Bank at Oldham.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 13.&mdash;Hurrah! at
+Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near the station.
+On the cliffs they would have been double the price. The
+landlady had a nice five o&rsquo;clock dinner and tea ready,
+which we all enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because
+there happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wet
+in the evening, for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse
+for going to bed early. Lupin said he would sit up and read
+a bit.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 14.&mdash;I was a little
+annoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading last night, had gone to
+a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly
+Rooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances were
+unworthy of respectable patronage; but he replied: &ldquo;Oh, it
+was only &lsquo;for one night only.&rsquo; I had a fit of
+the blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly Presswell,
+England&rsquo;s Particular Spark.&rdquo; I told him I was
+proud to say I had never heard of her. Carrie said:
+&ldquo;Do let the boy alone. He&rsquo;s quite old enough to
+take care of himself, and won&rsquo;t forget he&rsquo;s a
+gentleman. Remember, you were young once
+yourself.&rdquo; Rained all day hard, but Lupin would go
+out.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 15.&mdash;Cleared up a bit,
+so we all took the train to Margate, and the first person we met
+on the jetty was Gowing. I said: &ldquo;Hulloh! I
+thought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham
+friends?&rdquo; He said: &ldquo;Yes, but young Peter
+Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I came down
+here. You know the Cummings&rsquo; are here
+too?&rdquo; Carrie said: &ldquo;Oh, that will be
+delightful! We must have some evenings together and have
+games.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I introduced Lupin, saying: &ldquo;You will be pleased to find
+we have our dear boy at home!&rdquo; Gowing said:
+&ldquo;How&rsquo;s that? You don&rsquo;t mean to say
+he&rsquo;s left the Bank?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of
+those awkward questions which Gowing always has a knack of
+asking.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 16.&mdash;Lupin positively
+refused to walk down the Parade with me because I was wearing my
+new straw helmet with my frock-coat. I don&rsquo;t know
+what the boy is coming to.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 17.&mdash;Lupin not falling
+in with our views, Carrie and I went for a sail. It was a
+relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me, she
+always sides with him. On our return, he said: &ldquo;Oh,
+you&rsquo;ve been on the &lsquo;Shilling Emetic,&rsquo; have
+you? You&rsquo;ll come to six-pennorth on the &lsquo;Liver
+Jerker&rsquo; next.&rdquo; I presume he meant a tricycle,
+but I affected not to understand him.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 18.&mdash;Gowing and
+Cummings walked over to arrange an evening at Margate. It
+being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the hotel
+and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in fact
+disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hasten back
+to Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said:
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll give you a game, Gowing&mdash;a hundred
+up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for
+dinner.&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;Perhaps Mister Gowing does
+not care to play with boys.&rdquo; Gowing surprised me by
+saying: &ldquo;Oh yes, I do, if they play well,&rdquo; and they
+walked off together.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 19, Sunday.&mdash;I was
+about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking (which he indulges in
+violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walked
+out. Carrie then read <i>me</i> a long sermon on the
+palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere
+child. I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening I
+offered him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but, after a few
+whiffs, said: &ldquo;This is a good old tup&rsquo;ny&mdash;try
+one of mine,&rdquo; and he handed me a cigar as long as it was
+strong, which is saying a good deal.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 20.&mdash;I am glad our last
+day at the seaside was fine, though clouded overhead. We
+went over to Cummings&rsquo; (at Margate) in the evening, and as
+it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual,
+overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play
+&ldquo;Cutlets,&rdquo; a game we never heard of. He sat on
+a chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap, an invitation which
+dear Carrie rightly declined.</p>
+
+<p>After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing&rsquo;s knees
+and Carrie sat on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge
+of Carrie&rsquo;s lap, then Cummings on Lupin&rsquo;s, and Mrs.
+Cummings on her husband&rsquo;s. We looked very ridiculous,
+and laughed a good deal.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing then said: &ldquo;Are you a believer in the Great
+Mogul?&rdquo; We had to answer all together:
+&ldquo;Yes&mdash;oh, yes!&rdquo; (three times). Gowing
+said: &ldquo;So am I,&rdquo; and suddenly got up. The
+result of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the ground,
+and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of the
+fender. Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this
+we missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs,
+which cost me seven-and-sixpence.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Home again. Mrs. James&rsquo; influence
+on Carrie. Can get nothing for Lupin. Next-door
+neighbours are a little troublesome. Some one tampers with
+my diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us
+with an announcement.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 22.&mdash;Home sweet Home
+again! Carrie bought some pretty blue-wool mats to stand
+vases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say they are sorry
+they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 23.&mdash;I bought a pair of
+stags&rsquo; heads made of plaster-of-Paris and coloured
+brown. They will look just the thing for our little hall,
+and give it style; the heads are excellent imitations.
+Poolers and Smith are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 24.&mdash;Simply to please
+Lupin, and make things cheerful for him, as he is a little down,
+Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up from Sutton and spend two or
+three days with us. We have not said a word to Lupin, but
+mean to keep it as a surprise.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 25.&mdash;Mrs. James, of
+Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringing with her an enormous
+bunch of wild flowers. The more I see of Mrs. James the
+nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She
+went into Carrie&rsquo;s room to take off her bonnet, and
+remained there nearly an hour talking about dress. Lupin
+said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs. James&rsquo;
+<i>visit</i>, but was surprised at <i>her</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 26, Sunday.&mdash;Nearly
+late for church, Mrs. James having talked considerably about what
+to wear all the morning. Lupin does not seem to get on very
+well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have some
+trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in last
+Wednesday. Several of their friends, who drive up in
+dog-carts, have already made themselves objectionable.</p>
+
+<p>An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for
+coolness, and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat
+pockets (a habit I have), one man, seated in the cart, and
+looking like an American, commenced singing some vulgar nonsense
+about &ldquo;<i>I had thirteen dollars in my waistcoat
+pocket</i>.&rdquo; I fancied it was meant for me, and my
+suspicions were confirmed; for while walking round the garden in
+my tall hat this afternoon, a &ldquo;throw-down&rdquo; cracker
+was deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a
+percussion cap. I turned sharply, and am positive I saw the
+man who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroom
+windows.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 27.&mdash;Carrie and Mrs.
+James went off shopping, and had not returned when I came back
+from the office. Judging from the subsequent conversation,
+I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie&rsquo;s head with a lot
+of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing&rsquo;s
+and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of
+the remainder of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I
+was to refuse, in case there was not enough to go round), and a
+blanc-mange and custards. There was also a decanter of port
+and some jam puffs on the sideboard. Mrs. James made us
+play rather a good game of cards, called
+&ldquo;Muggings.&rdquo; To my surprise, in fact disgust,
+Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a most sarcastic tone, said:
+&ldquo;Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me, I shall
+go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the
+back-garden.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing
+(who seems to have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent
+games. Lupin said: &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s play
+&lsquo;monkeys.&rsquo;&rdquo; He then led Gowing all round
+the room, and brought him in front of the looking-glass. I
+must confess I laughed heartily at this. I was a little
+vexed at everybody subsequently laughing at some joke which they
+did not explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered I
+must have been walking about all the evening with an antimacassar
+on one button of my coat-tails.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 28.&mdash;Found a large
+brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently come from next
+door. Pattles and Pattles can&rsquo;t find a place for
+Lupin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 29.&mdash;Mrs. James is
+making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie appeared in a new
+dress like a smock-frock. She said &ldquo;smocking&rdquo;
+was all the rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She
+also had on a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same
+shape. Mrs. James went home, and both Lupin and I were
+somewhat pleased&mdash;the first time we have agreed on a single
+subject since his return. Merkins and Son write they have
+no vacancy for Lupin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">October</span> 30.&mdash;I should very
+much like to know who has wilfully torn the last five or six
+weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous!
+Mine is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the
+record of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record I
+take (with much pride) a great deal of pains.</p>
+
+<p>I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She
+replied it was my own fault for leaving the diary about with a
+charwoman cleaning and the sweeps in the house. I said that
+was not an answer to my question. This retort of mine,
+which I thought extremely smart, would have been more effective
+had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarily
+placed in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one
+of a pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our
+wedding-day by Mrs. Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie&rsquo;s
+cousins, the Pommertons, late of Dalston. I called to
+Sarah, and asked her about the diary. She said she had not
+been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs.
+Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fire
+herself. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I
+examined it, and found it was a piece of my diary. So it
+was evident some one had torn my diary to light the fire. I
+requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me to-morrow.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">October</span> 31.&mdash;Received a letter
+from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, saying that he thinks he knows
+of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This, in a
+measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for I
+am bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the
+record of disappointing answers received from people to whom I
+have applied for appointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell
+called, and, in reply to me, said: &ldquo;She never <i>see</i> no
+book, much less take such a liberty as <i>touch</i>
+it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she
+said she would do her best to help me; but she remembered the
+sweep lighting the fire with a bit of the <i>Echo</i>. I
+requested the sweep to be sent to me to-morrow. I wish
+Carrie had not given Lupin a latch-key; we never seem to see
+anything of him. I sat up till past one for him, and then
+retired tired.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 1.&mdash;My entry
+yesterday about &ldquo;retired tired,&rdquo; which I did not
+notice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so
+worried just now, I might have had a little joke about it.
+The sweep called, but had the audacity to come up to the
+hall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot on the door-step.
+He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him. He said
+Sarah lighted the fire. Unfortunately, Sarah heard this,
+for she was dusting the banisters, and she ran down, and flew
+into a temper with the sweep, causing a row on the front
+door-steps, which I would not have had happen for anything.
+I ordered her about her business, and told the sweep I was sorry
+to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps were
+covered with soot in consequence of his visit. I would
+willingly give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 2.&mdash;I spent the
+evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I never tire.
+We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on &ldquo;Is
+Marriage a Failure?&rdquo; It has been no failure in our
+case. In talking over our own happy experiences, we never
+noticed that it was past midnight. We were startled by
+hearing the door slam violently. Lupin had come in.
+He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, or even
+to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed,
+making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for a
+moment, and he begged to be excused, as he was &ldquo;dead
+beat,&rdquo; an observation that was scarcely consistent with the
+fact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards, he was positively
+dancing in his room, and shouting out, &ldquo;See me dance the
+polka!&rdquo; or some such nonsense.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 3.&mdash;Good news at
+last. Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment for Lupin, and he
+is to go and see about it on Monday. Oh, how my mind is
+relieved! I went to Lupin&rsquo;s room to take the good
+news to him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep
+it over till the evening.</p>
+
+<p>He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur
+Dramatic Club, called the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians&rdquo;; and,
+though it was a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, and
+got neuralgia in the head. He declined to have any
+breakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had up a
+special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a wonder, we
+filled our glasses, and I said: &ldquo;Lupin my boy, I have some
+good and unexpected news for you. Mr. Perkupp has procured
+you an appointment!&rdquo; Lupin said: &ldquo;Good
+biz!&rdquo; and we drained our glasses.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin then said: &ldquo;Fill up the glasses again, for I have
+some good and unexpected news for you.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for
+she said: &ldquo;I hope we shall think it good news.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Oh, it&rsquo;s all right!
+<i>I&rsquo;m engaged to be married</i>!&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation.
+Lupin&rsquo;s new berth. Fireworks at the
+Cummings&rsquo;. The &ldquo;Holloway
+Comedians.&rdquo; Sarah quarrels with the charwoman.
+Lupin&rsquo;s uncalled-for interference. Am introduced to
+Daisy Mutlar. We decide to give a party in her honour.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 5, Sunday.&mdash;Carrie
+and I troubled about that mere boy Lupin getting engaged to be
+married without consulting us or anything. After dinner he
+told us all about it. He said the lady&rsquo;s name was
+Daisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most
+accomplished girl he ever met. He loved her the moment he
+saw her, and if he had to wait fifty years he would wait, and he
+knew she would wait for him.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a
+different world to him now,&mdash;it was a world worth living
+in. He lived with an object now, and that was to make Daisy
+Mutlar&mdash;Daisy Pooter, and he would guarantee she would not
+disgrace the family of the Pooters. Carrie here burst out
+crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and in doing so, upset
+the glass of port he held in his hand all over his new light
+trousers.</p>
+
+<p>I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw
+her, but Carrie said she loved her already. I thought this
+rather premature, but held my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the
+sole topic of conversation for the remainder of the day. I
+asked Lupin who her people were, and he replied: &ldquo;Oh, you
+know Mutlar, Williams and Watts.&rdquo; I did not know, but
+refrained from asking any further questions at present, for fear
+of irritating Lupin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 6.&mdash;Lupin went with
+me to the office, and had a long conversation with Mr. Perkupp,
+our principal, the result of which was that he accepted a
+clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock and Share
+Brokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising
+firm, and he did not think much of it. I replied:
+&ldquo;Beggars should not be choosers;&rdquo; and I will do Lupin
+the justice to say, he looked rather ashamed of himself.</p>
+
+<p>In the evening we went round to the Cummings&rsquo;, to have a
+few fireworks. It began to rain, and I thought it rather
+dull. One of my squibs would not go off, and Gowing said:
+&ldquo;Hit it on your boot, boy; it will go off
+then.&rdquo; I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot,
+and it went off with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers
+rather badly. I gave the rest of the squibs to the little
+Cummings&rsquo; boy to let off.</p>
+
+<p>Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of
+abuse on my head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece
+on a stake in the ground by way of a grand finale. He made
+a great fuss about it; said it cost seven shillings. There
+was a little difficulty in getting it alight. At last it
+went off; but after a couple of slow revolutions it
+stopped. I had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send
+it round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to the
+grass. Anybody would have thought I had set the house on
+fire from the way in which they stormed at me. I will never
+join in any more firework parties. It is a ridiculous waste
+of time and money.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 7.&mdash;Lupin asked
+Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie said she thought Mrs.
+Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed with Carrie,
+and this led to an argument. However, the matter was
+settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards,
+and we must get some more printed, and when they were finished
+would be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of
+calling.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 8.&mdash;I ordered some of
+our cards at Black&rsquo;s, the stationers. I ordered
+twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long
+time. In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss
+Mutlar&rsquo;s brother. He was rather a gawky youth, and
+Lupin said he was the most popular and best amateur in the club,
+referring to the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians.&rdquo; Lupin
+whispered to us that if we could only &ldquo;draw out&rdquo;
+Harry a bit, he would make us roar with laughter.</p>
+
+<p>At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He
+took up a knife, and with the flat part of it played a tune on
+his cheek in a wonderful manner. He also gave an imitation
+of an old man with no teeth, smoking a big cigar. The way
+he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of conversation, Daisy&rsquo;s name cropped up,
+and young Mutlar said he would bring his sister round to us one
+evening&mdash;his parents being rather old-fashioned, and not
+going out much. Carrie said we would get up a little
+special party. As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go,
+and it was approaching eleven o&rsquo;clock, as a hint I reminded
+Lupin that he had to be up early to-morrow. Instead of
+taking the hint, Mutlar began a series of comic imitations.
+He went on for an hour without cessation. Poor Carrie could
+scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an excuse,
+and said &ldquo;Good-night.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the
+hall something about the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians,&rdquo; and to
+my disgust, although it was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat
+and coat, and went out with his new companion.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 9.&mdash;My endeavours to
+discover who tore the sheets out of my diary still
+fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we see
+little of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal
+times. Cummings dropped in.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 10.&mdash;Lupin seems to
+like his new berth&mdash;that&rsquo;s a comfort. Daisy
+Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie
+almost as full of it as Lupin. Lupin informs me, to my
+disgust, that he has been persuaded to take part in the
+forthcoming performance of the &ldquo;Holloway
+Comedians.&rdquo; He says he is to play Bob Britches in the
+farce, <i>Gone to my Uncle&rsquo;s</i>; Frank Mutlar is going to
+play old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly I was not in
+the least degree interested in the matter, and totally
+disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the
+evening.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 11.&mdash;Returned home to
+find the house in a most disgraceful uproar, Carrie, who appeared
+very frightened, was standing outside her bedroom, while Sarah
+was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (the charwoman), who
+had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of her voice
+that she was &ldquo;no thief, that she was a respectable woman,
+who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack
+anyone&rsquo;s face who put lies into her mouth.&rdquo;
+Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hear me come in.
+He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in
+his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong
+language in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to
+hear him say: &ldquo;And all this fuss about the loss of a few
+pages from a rotten diary that wouldn&rsquo;t fetch
+three-halfpence a pound!&rdquo; I said, quietly:
+&ldquo;Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am
+master of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the
+reins.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had
+accused Mrs. Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap
+up some kitchen fat and leavings which she had taken out of the
+house last week. Mrs. Birrell had slapped Sarah&rsquo;s
+face, and said she had taken nothing out of the place, as there
+was &ldquo;never no leavings to take.&rdquo; I ordered
+Sarah back to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go
+home. When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking his legs
+in the air, and roaring with laughter.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 12, Sunday.&mdash;Coming
+home from church Carrie and I met Lupin, Daisy Mutlar, and her
+brother. Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked home
+together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We asked them
+in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future
+daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank. She is a big
+young woman, and I should think at least eight years older than
+Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Carrie
+asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother
+to meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be
+too pleased.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 13.&mdash;Carrie sent out
+invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr. and Mrs. James (of
+Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr.
+Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a
+nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? I
+said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him.
+Carrie said there was &ldquo;no offence in asking
+him.&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;Certainly not,&rdquo; and I
+wrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she was a little
+disappointed with Daisy Mutlar&rsquo;s appearance, but thought
+she seemed a nice girl.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 14.&mdash;Everybody so far
+has accepted for our quite grand little party for
+to-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shall
+keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could get
+away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was
+busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and
+jellies. She said she felt quite nervous about her
+responsibilities to-morrow evening. We decided to have some
+light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and
+ham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold
+beef and a Paysandu tongue&mdash;for the more hungry ones to peg
+into if they liked.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing called to know if he was to put on
+&ldquo;swallow-tails&rdquo; to-morrow. Carrie said he had
+better dress, especially as Mr. Franching was coming, and there
+was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an
+appearance.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not
+worn my dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the
+creases pressed out.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please
+Daisy Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in
+fact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked our
+old friend Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress
+like a green-grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be
+surprised if Daisy took him for one.</p>
+
+<p>I fairly lost my temper, and said: &ldquo;Lupin, allow me to
+tell you Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I
+gave you credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be
+inveigled into an engagement with a woman considerably older than
+yourself. I advise you to think of earning your living
+before entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have to
+support, and, in all probability, her brother also, who appeared
+to be nothing but a loafer.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin
+jumped up and said: &ldquo;If you insult the lady I am engaged
+to, you insult me. I will leave the house and never darken
+your doors again.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it
+was all right. He came back to supper, and we played
+Bézique till nearly twelve o&rsquo;clock.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Our first important Party. Old Friends
+and New Friends. Gowing is a little annoying; but his
+friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing.
+Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind and
+complimentary. Party a great success.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 15.&mdash;A red-letter
+day. Our first important party since we have been in this
+house. I got home early from the City. Lupin insisted
+on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of
+champagne. I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin
+said he had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds out a
+private deal in the City. I hope he won&rsquo;t gamble in
+his new situation. The supper-room looked so nice, and
+Carrie truly said: &ldquo;We need not be ashamed of its being
+seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he honour us by coming.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at
+eight o&rsquo;clock, and was much vexed to find my new
+dress-trousers much too short.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my
+wearing ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.</p>
+
+<p>I replied satirically: &ldquo;My dear son, I have lived to be
+above that sort of thing.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and said: &ldquo;A man generally was
+above his boots.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>This may be funny, or it may <i>not</i>; but I was gratified
+to find he had not discovered the coral had come off one of my
+studs. Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore
+at the Mansion House. The arrangement of the drawing-room
+was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin curtains over the
+folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for we had
+removed the door from its hinges.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him
+strict orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the
+previous one was empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and
+port wine to be placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with some
+glasses. By-the-by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs
+look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie has arranged
+some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them.</p>
+
+<p>The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste,
+greeted me with: &ldquo;Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too
+short!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I simply said: &ldquo;Very likely, and you will find my temper
+&lsquo;<i>short</i>&rsquo; also.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He said: &ldquo;That won&rsquo;t make your trousers longer,
+Juggins. You should get your missus to put a flounce on
+them.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations
+in my diary.</p>
+
+<p>The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former
+said: &ldquo;As you didn&rsquo;t say anything about dress, I have
+come &lsquo;half dress.&rsquo;&rdquo; He had on a black
+frock-coat and white tie. The James&rsquo;, Mr. Merton, and
+Mr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable
+till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy&rsquo;s
+appearance. She had a bright-crimson dress on, cut very low
+in the neck. I do not think such a style modest. She
+ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered her
+shoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg
+and his four daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two of
+Lupin&rsquo;s new friends, members of the &ldquo;Holloway
+Comedians.&rdquo; Some of these seemed rather theatrical in
+their manner, especially one, who was posing all the evening, and
+leant on our little round table and cracked it. Lupin
+called him &ldquo;our Henry,&rdquo; and said he was &ldquo;our
+lead at the H.C.&rsquo;s,&rdquo; and was quite as good in that
+department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant.
+All this is Greek to me.</p>
+
+<p>We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy&rsquo;s
+side for a moment, raved over her singing of a song, called
+&ldquo;Some Day.&rdquo; It seemed a pretty song, but she
+made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so out of tune, I would
+not have asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her sing four
+songs right off, one after the other.</p>
+
+<p>At ten o&rsquo;clock we went down to supper, and from the way
+Gowing and Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a
+meal for a month. I told Carrie to keep something back in
+case Mr. Perkupp should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyed
+me very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne, and
+drinking it straight off. He repeated this action, and made
+me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out. I
+tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it, and took
+it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar.</p>
+
+<p>We went upstairs, and the young fellows began
+skylarking. Carrie put a stop to that at once.
+Stillbrook amused us with a song, &ldquo;What have you done with
+your Cousin John?&rdquo; I did not notice that Lupin and
+Frank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of the
+Holloways, where they were, and he said: &ldquo;It&rsquo;s a case
+of &lsquo;Oh, what a surprise!&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We were directed to form a circle&mdash;which we did.
+Watson then said: &ldquo;I have much pleasure in introducing the
+celebrated Blondin Donkey.&rdquo; Frank and Lupin then
+bounded into the room. Lupin had whitened his face like a
+clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large
+hearthrug. He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked
+it. They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we were
+all shrieking with laughter.</p>
+
+<p>I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perkupp standing
+half-way in the door, he having arrived without our knowing
+it. I beckoned to Carrie, and we went up to him at
+once. He would not come right into the room. I
+apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Oh, it
+seems amusing.&rdquo; I could see he was not a bit
+amused.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a
+wreck. There was not a glass of champagne left&mdash;not
+even a sandwich. Mr. Perkupp said he required nothing, but
+would like a glass of seltzer or soda water. The last
+syphon was empty. Carrie said: &ldquo;We have plenty of
+port wine left.&rdquo; Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile:
+&ldquo;No, thank you. I really require nothing, but I am
+most pleased to see you and your husband in your own home.
+Good-night, Mrs. Pooter&mdash;you will excuse my very short stay,
+I know.&rdquo; I went with him to his carriage, and he
+said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t trouble to come to the office till
+twelve to-morrow.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told
+Carrie I thought the party was a failure. Carrie said it
+was a great success, and I was only tired, and insisted on my
+having some port myself. I drank two glasses, and felt much
+better, and we went into the drawing-room, where they had
+commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which I
+said reminded me of old days. She said I was a spooney old
+thing.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER X</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Reflections. I make another Good
+Joke. Am annoyed at the constant serving-up of the
+&ldquo;Blanc-Mange.&rdquo; Lupin expresses his opinion of
+Weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 16.&mdash;Woke about
+twenty times during the night, with terrible thirst.
+Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well as half that in
+the jug. Kept dreaming also, that last night&rsquo;s party
+was a failure, and that a lot of low people came without
+invitation, and kept chaffing and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp,
+till at last I was obliged to hide him in the box-room (which we
+had just discovered), with a bath-towel over him. It seems
+absurd now, but it was painfully real in the dream. I had
+the same dream about a dozen times.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie annoyed me by saying: &ldquo;You know champagne never
+agrees with you.&rdquo; I told her I had only a couple of
+glasses of it, having kept myself entirely to port. I added
+that good champagne hurt nobody, and Lupin told me he had only
+got it from a traveller as a favour, as that particular brand had
+been entirely bought up by a West-End club.</p>
+
+<p>I think I ate too heartily of the &ldquo;side dishes,&rdquo;
+as the waiter called them. I said to Carrie: &ldquo;I wish
+I had put those &lsquo;side dishes&rsquo;
+<i>aside</i>.&rdquo; I repeated this, but Carrie was busy,
+packing up the teaspoons we had borrowed of Mrs. Cummings for the
+party. It was just half-past eleven, and I was starting for
+the office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow complexion, and
+said: &ldquo;Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you this
+morning?&rdquo; I told him he might just as well speak to
+me in Dutch. He added: &ldquo;When I woke this morning, my
+head was as big as Baldwin&rsquo;s balloon.&rdquo; On the
+spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I have ever
+said; viz.: &ldquo;Perhaps that accounts for the
+para<i>shooting</i> pains.&rdquo; We roared.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 17.&mdash;Still feel tired
+and headachy! In the evening Gowing called, and was full of
+praise about our party last Wednesday. He said everything
+was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously.
+Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never
+know how long it will last. For instance, he stopped to
+supper, and seeing some <i>blanc-mange</i> on the table, shouted
+out, while the servant was in the room: &ldquo;Hulloh! The
+remains of Wednesday?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 18.&mdash;Woke up quite
+fresh after a good night&rsquo;s rest, and feel quite myself
+again. I am satisfied a life of going-out and Society is
+not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation which we
+received this morning to Miss Bird&rsquo;s wedding. We only
+met her twice at Mrs. James&rsquo;, and it means a present.
+Lupin said: &ldquo;I am with you for once. To my mind a
+wedding&rsquo;s a very poor play. There are only two parts
+in it&mdash;the bride and bridegroom. The best man is only
+a walking gentleman. With the exception of a crying father
+and a snivelling mother, the rest are <i>supers</i> who have to
+dress well and have to <i>pay</i> for their insignificant parts
+in the shape of costly presents.&rdquo; I did not care for
+the theatrical slang, but thought it clever, though
+disrespectful.</p>
+
+<p>I told Sarah not to bring up the <i>blanc-mange</i> again for
+breakfast. It seems to have been placed on our table at
+every meal since Wednesday. Cummings came round in the
+evening, and congratulated us on the success of our party.
+He said it was the best party he had been to for many a year; but
+he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as he would have
+turned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet game
+of dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lupin
+and Frank Mutlar. Cummings and I asked them to join
+us. Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and suggested
+a game of &ldquo;Spoof.&rdquo; On my asking if it required
+counters, Frank and Lupin in measured time said: &ldquo;One, two,
+three; go! Have you an estate in Greenland?&rdquo; It
+was simply Greek to me, but it appears it is one of the customs
+of the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians&rdquo; to do this when a member
+displays ignorance.</p>
+
+<p>In spite of my instructions, that <i>blanc-mange</i> was
+brought up again for supper. To make matters worse, there
+had been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish
+with jam round it. Carrie asked Lupin if he would have
+some, and he replied: &ldquo;No second-hand goods for me, thank
+you.&rdquo; I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that
+<i>blanc-mange</i> were placed on the table again I should walk
+out of the house.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 19, Sunday.&mdash;A
+delightfully quiet day. In the afternoon Lupin was off to
+spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. He departed in
+the best of spirits, and Carrie said: &ldquo;Well, one advantage
+of Lupin&rsquo;s engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems
+happy all day long. That quite reconciles me to what I must
+confess seems an imprudent engagement.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and
+agreed that it did not always follow that an early engagement
+meant an unhappy marriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that we
+married early, and, with the exception of a few trivial
+misunderstandings, we had never had a really serious word.
+I could not help thinking (as I told her) that half the pleasures
+of life were derived from the little struggles and small
+privations that one had to endure at the beginning of one&rsquo;s
+married life. Such struggles were generally occasioned by
+want of means, and often helped to make loving couples stand
+together all the firmer.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that
+I was quite a philosopher.</p>
+
+<p>We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered
+by Carrie&rsquo;s little compliment. I don&rsquo;t pretend
+to be able to express myself in fine language, but I feel I have
+the power of expressing my thoughts with simplicity and
+lucidness. About nine o&rsquo;clock, to our surprise, Lupin
+entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which
+I must say seemed rather theatrical, said: &ldquo;Have you any
+brandy?&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;No; but here is some
+whisky.&rdquo; Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful
+without water, to my horror.</p>
+
+<p>We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and
+I rose to go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin: &ldquo;I hope
+Daisy is well?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up
+from the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians,&rdquo; replied: &ldquo;Oh,
+Daisy? You mean Miss Mutlar. I don&rsquo;t know
+whether she is well or not, but please <i>never to mention her
+name again in my presence</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">We have a dose of Irving imitations.
+Make the acquaintance of a Mr. Padge. Don&rsquo;t care for
+him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 20.&mdash;Have seen
+nothing of Lupin the whole day. Bought a cheap
+address-book. I spent the evening copying in the names and
+addresses of my friends and acquaintances. Left out the
+Mutlars of course.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 21.&mdash;Lupin turned up
+for a few minutes in the evening. He asked for a drop of
+brandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mind was
+theatrical and quite ineffective. I said: &ldquo;My boy, I
+have none, and I don&rsquo;t think I should give it you if I
+had.&rdquo; Lupin said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll go where I can
+get some,&rdquo; and walked out of the house. Carrie took
+the boy&rsquo;s part, and the rest of the evening was spent in a
+disagreeable discussion, in which the words &ldquo;Daisy&rdquo;
+and &ldquo;Mutlar&rdquo; must have occurred a thousand times.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 22.&mdash;Gowing and
+Cummings dropped in during the evening. Lupin also came in,
+bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton&mdash;one of the
+&ldquo;Holloway Comedians&rdquo;&mdash;who was at our party the
+other night, and who cracked our little round table. Happy
+to say Daisy Mutlar was never referred to. The conversation
+was almost entirely monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton,
+who not only looked rather like Mr. Irving, but seemed to imagine
+that he <i>was</i> the celebrated actor. I must say he gave
+some capital imitations of him. As he showed no signs of
+moving at supper time, I said: &ldquo;If you like to stay, Mr.
+Fosselton, for our usual crust&mdash;pray do.&rdquo; He
+replied: &ldquo;Oh! thanks; but please call me
+Burwin-Fosselton. It is a double name. There are lots
+of Fosseltons, but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He began doing the Irving business all through supper.
+He sank so low down in his chair that his chin was almost on a
+level with the table, and twice he kicked Carrie under the table,
+upset his wine, and flashed a knife uncomfortably near
+Gowing&rsquo;s face. After supper he kept stretching out
+his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from
+plays which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over the
+fire-irons, making a hideous row&mdash;poor Carrie already having
+a bad headache.</p>
+
+<p>When he went, he said, to our surprise: &ldquo;I will come
+to-morrow and bring my Irving make-up.&rdquo; Gowing and
+Cummings said they would like to see it and would come too.
+I could not help thinking they might as well give a party at my
+house while they are about it. However, as Carrie sensibly
+said: &ldquo;Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy
+Mutlar business.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 23.&mdash;In the evening,
+Cummings came early. Gowing came a little later and
+brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I think, very
+vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all
+moustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to either of
+us, but said Padge wanted to see the Irving business, to which
+Padge said: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s right,&rdquo; and that is about
+all he <i>did</i> say during the entire evening. Lupin came
+in and seemed in much better spirits. He had prepared a bit
+of a surprise. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him,
+but had gone upstairs to get ready. In half-an-hour Lupin
+retired from the parlour, and returning in a few minutes,
+announced &ldquo;Mr. Henry Irving.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a
+resemblance. It was astonishing. The only person who
+did not appear interested was the man Padge, who had got the best
+arm-chair, and was puffing away at a foul pipe into the
+fireplace. After some little time I said; &ldquo;Why do
+actors always wear their hair so long?&rdquo; Carrie in a
+moment said, &ldquo;Mr. Hare doesn&rsquo;t wear long
+<i>hair</i>.&rdquo; How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton,
+who said, in a rather patronising kind of way, &ldquo;The joke,
+Mrs. Pooter, is extremely appropriate, if not altogether
+new.&rdquo; Thinking this rather a snub, I said: &ldquo;Mr.
+Fosselton, I fancy&mdash;&rdquo; He interrupted me by
+saying: &ldquo;Mr. <i>Burwin</i>-Fosselton, if you please,&rdquo;
+which made me quite forget what I was going to say to him.
+During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again monopolised the
+conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I came to
+the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of
+Irving. After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too
+boisterous over his Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing
+by the collar of his coat, dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of
+course, into Gowing&rsquo;s neck and took a piece of flesh
+out. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who
+having declined our modest supper in order that he should not
+lose his comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of
+laughter at the little misadventure. I was so annoyed at
+the conduct of Padge, I said: &ldquo;I suppose you would have
+laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing&rsquo;s eye out?&rdquo; to
+which Padge replied: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s right,&rdquo; and
+laughed more than ever. I think perhaps the greatest
+surprise was when we broke up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said:
+&ldquo;Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I&rsquo;m glad you like the
+imitation, I&rsquo;ll bring <i>the other make-up to-morrow
+night</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 24.&mdash;I went to town
+without a pocket-handkerchief. This is the second time I
+have done this during the last week. I must be losing my
+memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I
+would have written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him I should
+be out this evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man who
+would come all the same.</p>
+
+<p>Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a
+little note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up,
+which rather amused me. He added that his neck was still
+painful. Of course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never
+turned up, and imagine my utter disgust when that man Padge
+actually came again, and not even accompanied by Gowing. I
+was exasperated, and said: &ldquo;Mr. Padge, this is a
+<i>surprise</i>.&rdquo; Dear Carrie, fearing
+unpleasantness, said: &ldquo;Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge has only
+come to see the other Irving make-up.&rdquo; Mr. Padge
+said: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s right,&rdquo; and took the best chair
+again, from which he never moved the whole evening.</p>
+
+<p>My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an
+expensive guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the
+matter. The Irving imitations and conversations occupied
+the whole evening, till I was sick of it. Once we had a
+rather heated discussion, which was commenced by Cummings saying
+that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not only
+<i>like</i> Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as
+<i>good</i> or even <i>better</i>. I ventured to remark
+that after all it was but an imitation of an original.</p>
+
+<p>Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the
+originals. I made what I considered a very clever remark:
+&ldquo;Without an original there can be no
+imitation.&rdquo; Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quite
+impertinently: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t discuss me in my presence, if
+you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I should advise you to talk about
+what you understand;&rdquo; to which that cad Padge replied:
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s right.&rdquo; Dear Carrie saved the
+whole thing by suddenly saying: &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll be Ellen
+Terry.&rdquo; Dear Carrie&rsquo;s imitation wasn&rsquo;t a
+bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the
+disagreeable discussion passed off. When they left, I very
+pointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we
+should be engaged to-morrow evening.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 25.&mdash;Had a long
+letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting last night&rsquo;s Irving
+discussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knew
+little or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least
+interested in them and positively declined to be drawn into a
+discussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading to a
+breach of friendship. I never wrote a more determined
+letter.</p>
+
+<p>On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I
+met near the Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a
+leap. I bowed rather stiffly, but she affected not to have
+seen me. Very much annoyed in the evening by the laundress
+sending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs,
+and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were
+sent. I spoke to Carrie about it, but she rather testily
+replied: &ldquo;I am tired of speaking to her; you had better go
+and speak to her yourself. She is outside.&rdquo; I
+did so, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was
+sent.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude
+enough to listen to the conversation, and interrupting, said:
+&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t waste the odd sock, old man; do an act of
+charity and give it to some poor man with only one
+leg.&rdquo; The laundress giggled like an idiot. I
+was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose of pinning down
+my collar, as the button had come off the back of my shirt.</p>
+
+<p>When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his
+idiotic joke about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with
+laughter. I suppose I am losing my sense of humour. I
+spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge. Gowing said he had
+met him only once before that evening. He had been
+introduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) had &ldquo;stood&rdquo;
+a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some little
+return. Upon my word, Gowing&rsquo;s coolness surpasses all
+belief. Lupin came in before I could reply, and Gowing
+unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupin shouted:
+&ldquo;Mind your own business, sir!&rdquo; and bounced out of the
+room, slamming the door. The remainder of the night was
+Daisy Mutlar&mdash;Daisy Mutlar&mdash;Daisy Mutlar. Oh
+dear!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 26, Sunday.&mdash;The
+curate preached a very good sermon to-day&mdash;very good
+indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as our dear
+old vicar&rsquo;s, but I am bound to say his sermons are much
+more impressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, of
+which I must make mention. Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite a
+grand lady, living in one of those large houses in the Camden
+Road, stopped to speak to me after church, when we were all
+coming out. I must say I felt flattered, for she is thought
+a good deal of. I suppose she knew me through seeing me so
+often take round the plate, especially as she always occupies the
+corner seat of the pew. She is a very influential lady, and
+may have had something of the utmost importance to say, but
+unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a strong gust of wind
+came and blew my hat off into the middle of the road.</p>
+
+<p>I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in
+recovering it. When I had succeeded in doing so, I found
+Mrs. Fernlosse had walked on with some swell friends, and I felt
+I could not well approach her now, especially as my hat was
+smothered with mud. I cannot say how disappointed I
+felt.</p>
+
+<p>In the evening (<i>Sunday</i> evening of all others) I found
+an impertinent note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as
+follows:</p>
+<blockquote><p>&ldquo;<span class="smcap">Dear Mr.
+Pooter</span>,&mdash;Although your junior by perhaps some twenty
+or thirty years&mdash;which is sufficient reason that you ought
+to have a longer record of the things and ways in this miniature
+of a planet&mdash;I feel it is just within the bounds of
+possibility that the wheels of your life don&rsquo;t travel so
+quickly round as those of the humble writer of these lines.
+The dandy horse of past days has been known to overtake the
+<i>slow coach</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Do I make myself understood?</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise
+you to accept the <i>verb. sap</i>. Acknowledge your
+defeat, and take your whipping gracefully; for remember you threw
+down the glove, and I cannot claim to be either mentally or
+physically a <i>coward</i>!</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;<i>Revenons à nos moutons</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY
+ART&mdash;THE STAGE. Your life is devoted to commercial
+pursuits&mdash;&lsquo;A life among Ledgers.&rsquo; My books
+are of different metal. Your life in the City is
+honourable, I admit. <i>But how different</i>! Cannot
+even you see the ocean between us? A channel that prevents
+the meeting of our brains in harmonious accord. Ah!
+But <i>chaçun à son goût</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;I have registered a vow to mount the steps of
+fame. I may crawl, I may slip, I may even falter (we are
+all weak), but <i>reach the top rung of the ladder I
+will</i>!!! When there, my voice shall be heard, for I will
+shout to the multitudes below: &lsquo;<i>Vici</i>!&rsquo;
+For the present I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown,
+forsooth, save to a party of friends, with here and there an
+enemy.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, &lsquo;What is the
+difference between the amateur and the professional?&rsquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;None!!!</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is
+<i>paid</i> for doing what the other does as skilfully for
+<i>nothing</i>!</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;But I will be <i>paid</i>, too! For <i>I</i>,
+contrary to the wishes of my family and friends, have at last
+elected to adopt the stage as <i>my</i> profession. And
+when the <i>farce</i> craze is over&mdash;and, <i>mark you</i>,
+<i>that will be soon</i>&mdash;I will make my power known; for I
+feel&mdash;pardon my apparent conceit&mdash;that there is no
+living man who can play the hump-backed Richard as I <i>feel</i>
+and <i>know</i> I can.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;And <i>you</i> will be the first to come round and bend
+your head in submission. There are many matters you may
+understand, but knowledge of the fine art of acting is to you an
+<i>unknown quantity</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Pray let this discussion cease with this letter.
+<i>Vale</i>!</p>
+
+<p style="text-align: right">Yours truly,<br />
+&ldquo;<span class="smcap">Burwin-Fosselton</span>.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this
+impertinent letter, and said: &ldquo;My boy, in that letter you
+can see the true character of your friend.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin, to my surprise, said: &ldquo;Oh yes. He showed me
+the letter before he sent it. I think he is right, and you
+ought to apologise.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">A serious discussion concerning the use and
+value of my diary. Lupin&rsquo;s opinion of
+&rsquo;Xmas. Lupin&rsquo;s unfortunate engagement is on
+again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 17.&mdash;As I open my
+scribbling diary I find the words &ldquo;Oxford Michaelmas Term
+ends.&rdquo; Why this should induce me to indulge in
+retrospective I don&rsquo;t know, but it does. The last few
+weeks of my diary are of minimum interest. The breaking off
+of the engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a
+different being, and Carrie a rather depressing companion.
+She was a little dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer her
+up by reading some extracts from my diary; but she walked out of
+the room in the middle of the reading, without a word. On
+her return, I said: &ldquo;Did my diary bore you,
+darling?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>She replied, to my surprise: &ldquo;I really wasn&rsquo;t
+listening, dear. I was obliged to leave to give
+instructions to the laundress. In consequence of some stuff
+she puts in the water, two more of Lupin&rsquo;s coloured shirts
+have run and he says he won&rsquo;t wear them.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Everything is Lupin. It&rsquo;s all
+Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. There was not a single button on my
+shirt yesterday, but <i>I</i> made no complaint.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Carrie simply replied: &ldquo;You should do as all other men
+do, and wear studs. In fact, I never saw anyone but you
+wear buttons on the shirt-fronts.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were
+none on.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in
+the evening, and Cummings never does. I fear they
+don&rsquo;t get on well with Lupin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 18.&mdash;Yesterday I was
+in a retrospective vein&mdash;to-day it is
+<i>prospective</i>. I see nothing but clouds, clouds,
+clouds. Lupin is perfectly intolerable over the Daisy
+Mutlar business. He won&rsquo;t say what is the cause of
+the breach. He is evidently condemning her conduct, and
+yet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won&rsquo;t hear a
+word against her. So what is one to do? Another thing
+which is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin take no
+interest whatever in my diary.</p>
+
+<p>I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day. I
+said: &ldquo;I was in hopes that, if anything ever happened to
+me, the diary would be an endless source of pleasure to you both;
+to say nothing of the chance of the remuneration which may accrue
+from its being published.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie was
+sorry for this, I could see, for she said: &ldquo;I did not mean
+to be rude, dear Charlie; but truly I do not think your diary
+would sufficiently interest the public to be taken up by a
+publisher.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I replied: &ldquo;I am sure it would prove quite as
+interesting as some of the ridiculous reminiscences that have
+been published lately. Besides, it&rsquo;s the diary that
+makes the man. Where would Evelyn and Pepys have been if it
+had not been for their diaries?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering
+tone, said: &ldquo;If it had been written on larger paper, Guv.,
+we might get a fair price from a butterman for it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year
+will see the end of my diary.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 19.&mdash;The annual
+invitation came to spend Christmas with Carrie&rsquo;s
+mother&mdash;the usual family festive gathering to which we
+always look forward. Lupin declined to go. I was
+astounded, and expressed my surprise and disgust. Lupin
+then obliged us with the following Radical speech: &ldquo;I hate
+a family gathering at Christmas. What does it mean?
+Why someone says: &lsquo;Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who was
+here last year,&rsquo; and we all begin to snivel. Someone
+else says: &lsquo;It&rsquo;s two years since poor Aunt Liz used
+to sit in that corner.&rsquo; Then we all begin to snivel
+again. Then another gloomy relation says &lsquo;Ah! I
+wonder whose turn it will be next?&rsquo; Then we all
+snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much; and they
+don&rsquo;t discover until <i>I</i> get up that we have been
+seated thirteen at dinner.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 20.&mdash;Went to
+Smirksons&rsquo;, the drapers, in the Strand, who this year have
+turned out everything in the shop and devoted the whole place to
+the sale of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with people, who
+seemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a hurried
+glance at them, throw them down again. I remarked to one of
+the young persons serving, that carelessness appeared to be a
+disease with some purchasers. The observation was scarcely
+out of my mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a large
+pile of expensive cards in boxes one on top of the other, and
+threw them down. The manager came forward, looking very
+much annoyed, and picking up several cards from the ground, said
+to one of the assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me:
+&ldquo;Put these amongst the sixpenny goods; they can&rsquo;t be
+sold for a shilling now.&rdquo; The result was, I felt it
+my duty to buy some of these damaged cards.</p>
+
+<p>I had to buy more and pay more than intended.
+Unfortunately I did not examine them all, and when I got home I
+discovered a vulgar card with a picture of a fat nurse with two
+babies, one black and the other white, and the words: &ldquo;We
+wish Pa a Merry Christmas.&rdquo; I tore up the card and
+threw it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage of going
+out in Society and increasing the number of our friends was, that
+we should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this year.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 21.&mdash;To save the
+postman a miserable Christmas, we follow the example of all
+unselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most of the
+cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. I
+shall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, ever
+since he has had the appointment with a stock and share broker,
+does not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings) told me never to
+rub out the pencilled price on the backs of the cards. I
+asked him why. Lupin said: &ldquo;Suppose your card is
+marked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a
+3&mdash;and a long down-stroke after it&mdash;in <i>front</i> of
+the ninepence, and people will think you have given five times
+the price for it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him
+that behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said:
+&ldquo;Ugh! it never shines on me.&rdquo; I said:
+&ldquo;Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about Daisy
+Mutlar. Don&rsquo;t think of her any more. You ought
+to congratulate yourself on having got off a very bad
+bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our simple
+tastes.&rdquo; He jumped up and said: &ldquo;I won&rsquo;t
+allow one word to be uttered against her. She&rsquo;s worth
+the whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated,
+sloping-head of a Perkupp included.&rdquo; I left the room
+with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 23.&mdash;I exchanged no
+words with Lupin in the morning; but as he seemed to be in
+exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured to ask him where he
+intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: &ldquo;Oh,
+most likely at the Mutlars&rsquo;.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>In wonderment, I said: &ldquo;What! after your engagement has
+been broken off?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Who said it is off?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;You have given us both to
+understand&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He interrupted me by saying: &ldquo;Well, never mind what I
+said. <i>It is on again&mdash;there</i>!&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">I receive an insulting Christmas card.
+We spend a pleasant Christmas at Carrie&rsquo;s
+mother&rsquo;s. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. A
+boisterous evening, during which I am struck in the dark. I
+receive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior,
+respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old Year.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 24.&mdash;I am a poor man,
+but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the
+insulting Christmas card I received this morning. I never
+insult people; why should they insult me? The worst part of
+the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all my
+friends. The handwriting on the envelope is evidently
+disguised, being written sloping the wrong way. I cannot
+think either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing.
+Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; although I
+disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the
+offender. Mr. Franching would be above such an act; and I
+don&rsquo;t think any of the Mutlars would descend to such a
+course. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk at the
+office, did it? Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, or
+Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the
+former.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Christmas Day</span>.&mdash;We caught the
+10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a pleasant day at
+Carrie&rsquo;s mother&rsquo;s. The country was quite nice
+and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in
+the middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old
+times. If everybody had a nice, <i>un</i>interfering
+mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness there
+would be in the world. Being all in good spirits, I
+proposed her health, and I made, I think, a very good speech.</p>
+
+<p>I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: &ldquo;On an occasion
+like this&mdash;whether relatives, friends, or
+acquaintances,&mdash;we are all inspired with good feelings
+towards each other. We are of one mind, and think only of
+love and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absent
+friends should kiss and make it up. Those who happily have
+not fallen out, can kiss all the same.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and
+must say I felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear
+old Reverend John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a most
+cheerful and amusing speech, and said he should act on my
+suggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked round the
+table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Of
+course one did not object to this; but I was more than staggered
+when a young fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and who
+had scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly
+with a sprig of misletoe, and exclaimed: &ldquo;Hulloh! I
+don&rsquo;t see why I shouldn&rsquo;t be on in this
+scene.&rdquo; Before one could realise what he was about to
+do, he kissed Carrie and the rest of the ladies.</p>
+
+<p>Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all
+laughed; but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very
+uneasy for a moment as to the result. I subsequently
+referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: &ldquo;Oh,
+he&rsquo;s not much more than a boy.&rdquo; I said that he
+had a very large moustache for a boy. Carrie replied:
+&ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t say he was not a nice boy.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 26.&mdash;I did not sleep
+very well last night; I never do in a strange bed. I feel a
+little indigestion, which one must expect at this time of the
+year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening.
+Lupin came in late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, and
+added: &ldquo;I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only
+require a little more &lsquo;oof&rsquo; to feel as fit as a
+&pound;500 Stradivarius.&rdquo; I have long since given up
+trying to understand Lupin&rsquo;s slang, or asking him to
+explain it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 27.&mdash;I told Lupin I
+was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in to-morrow evening
+for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would volunteer to
+stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, he said:
+&ldquo;Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and
+Frank Mutlar to come.&rdquo; I said I could not think of
+doing such a thing. Lupin said: &ldquo;Then I will send a
+wire, and put off Daisy.&rdquo; I suggested that a
+post-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would
+not be so extravagant.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with
+apparent annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin.
+She said: &ldquo;Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting your
+father&rsquo;s friends? Is it because they are not good
+enough for her, or (which is equally possible) <i>she</i> is not
+good enough for them?&rdquo; Lupin was dumbfounded, and
+could make no reply. When he left the room, I gave Carrie a
+kiss of approval.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 28&mdash;Lupin, on coming
+down to breakfast, said to his mother: &ldquo;I have not put off
+Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and Cummings
+this evening.&rdquo; I felt very pleased with the boy for
+this. Carrie said, in reply: &ldquo;I am glad you let me
+know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, dress it
+with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been
+cut.&rdquo; She further said she would make a few custards,
+and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by the
+evening.</p>
+
+<p>Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he
+really had any personal objection to either Gowing or
+Cummings. He replied: &ldquo;Not in the least. I
+think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to his
+patronising &lsquo;the three-and-six-one-price hat
+company,&rsquo; and wearing a reach-me-down frock-coat. As
+for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of
+Gowing&rsquo;s&mdash;why, he resembles an itinerant
+photographer.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon
+Lupin, with a laugh, replied: &ldquo;No, and it wasn&rsquo;t much
+of a gentleman who made their coats.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very
+agreeable, especially in the earlier part of the evening, when
+she sang. At supper, however, she said: &ldquo;Can you make
+tee-to-tums with bread?&rdquo; and she commenced rolling up
+pieces of bread, and twisting them round on the table. I
+felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing.
+Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing
+bread-pills at each other. Frank followed suit, and so did
+Cummings and Gowing, to my astonishment. They then
+commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece catching me on
+the forehead, and making me blink. I said: &ldquo;Steady,
+please; steady!&rdquo; Frank jumped up and said:
+&ldquo;Tum, tum; then the band played.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and
+continued the bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the
+parsley off the cold mutton, and threw it full in my face.
+I looked daggers at Gowing, who replied: &ldquo;I say, it&rsquo;s
+no good trying to look indignant, with your hair full of
+parsley.&rdquo; I rose from the table, and insisted that a
+stop should be put to this foolery at once. Frank Mutlar
+shouted: &ldquo;Time, gentlemen, please! time!&rdquo; and turned
+out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.</p>
+
+<p>I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received
+a hard intentional punch at the back of my head. I said
+loudly: &ldquo;Who did that?&rdquo; There was no answer; so
+I repeated the question, with the same result. I struck a
+match, and lighted the gas. They were all talking and
+laughing, so I kept my own counsel; but, after they had gone, I
+said to Carrie; &ldquo;The person who sent me that insulting
+post-card at Christmas was here to-night.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 29.&mdash;I had a most
+vivid dream last night. I woke up, and on falling asleep,
+dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt I
+heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent
+me the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one
+who punched my head last night in the dark. As fate would
+have it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a letter
+he had just received from Frank.</p>
+
+<p>I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the
+writing. He did so, and I examined it by the side of the
+envelope containing the Christmas card. I detected a
+similarity in the writing, in spite of the attempted
+disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who began to
+laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she said
+the card was never directed to me at all. It was &ldquo;L.
+Pooter,&rdquo; not &ldquo;C. Pooter.&rdquo; Lupin asked to
+look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh:
+&ldquo;Oh yes, Guv., it&rsquo;s meant for me.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Are you in the habit of receiving insulting
+Christmas cards?&rdquo; He replied: &ldquo;Oh yes, and of
+<i>sending</i> them, too.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very
+much last night. I took the opportunity to confide in him,
+as an old friend, about the vicious punch last night. He
+burst out laughing, and said: &ldquo;Oh, it was <i>your head</i>,
+was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I thought
+it was a brick wall.&rdquo; I told him I felt hurt, in both
+senses of the expression.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 30, Sunday.&mdash;Lupin
+spent the whole day with the Mutlars. He seemed rather
+cheerful in the evening, so I said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m glad to see
+you so happy, Lupin.&rdquo; He answered: &ldquo;Well, Daisy
+is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of a
+father down a peg. What with his meanness over his cigars,
+his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning
+down the gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to
+one on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the
+last cake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each
+side of the fireplace, and his general
+&lsquo;outside-halfpenny-&lsquo;bus-ness,&rsquo; I was compelled
+to let him have a bit of my mind.&rdquo; I said:
+&ldquo;Lupin, you are not much more than a boy; I hope you
+won&rsquo;t repent it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 31.&mdash;The last day of
+the Old Year. I received an extraordinary letter from Mr.
+Mutlar, senior. He writes: &ldquo;Dear Sir,&mdash;For a
+long time past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the
+important question, &lsquo;Who is the master of my own
+house? Myself, or <i>your son</i> Lupin?&rsquo;
+Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I have
+been most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect
+that I am the master of it. Under the circumstances, it has
+become my duty to forbid your son to enter my house again.
+I am sorry, because it deprives me of the society of one of the
+most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly persons I have ever had
+the honour of being acquainted with.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I
+said nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.</p>
+
+<p>A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but
+promised to be back to drink out the Old Year&mdash;a custom we
+have always observed. At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not
+returned, and the fog was fearful. As time was drawing
+close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I deciding on
+whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt like
+brandy. As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing
+to discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had not come
+in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to have a small
+wager with her to decide by the smell. I said I could
+decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary
+argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it was
+a quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married
+life, we missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home
+at a quarter-past two, having got lost in the fog&mdash;so he
+said.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at
+the office. I make two good jokes. I get an enormous
+rise in my salary. Lupin speculates successfully and starts
+a pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah. Extraordinary
+conduct of Gowing&rsquo;s.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 1.&mdash;I had intended
+concluding my diary last week; but a most important event has
+happened, so I shall continue for a little while longer on the
+fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year&rsquo;s
+diary. It had just struck half-past one, and I was on the
+point of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received a
+message that Mr. Perkupp desired to see me at once. I must
+confess that my heart commenced to beat and I had most serious
+misgivings.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: &ldquo;Take
+a seat, Mr. Pooter, I shall not be a moment.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I replied: &ldquo;No, thank you, sir; I&rsquo;ll
+stand.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting
+quite twenty minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp at
+last got up himself.</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He replied: &ldquo;Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I
+hope.&rdquo; What a weight off my mind! My breath
+seemed to come back again in an instant.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and
+there will be some slight changes in the office. You have
+been with us nearly twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your
+conduct during that period, we intend making a special promotion
+in your favour. We have not quite decided how you will be
+placed; but in any case there will be a considerable increase in
+your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for me to say, you
+fully deserve. I have an appointment at two; but you shall
+hear more to-morrow.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time
+or thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to
+him. I need not say how dear Carrie received this joyful
+news. With perfect simplicity she said: &ldquo;At last we
+shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back drawing-room,
+which we always wanted.&rdquo; I added: &ldquo;Yes, and at
+last you shall have that little costume which you saw at Peter
+Robinson&rsquo;s so cheap.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 2.&mdash;I was in a great
+state of suspense all day at the office. I did not like to
+worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, and mentioned
+yesterday that he would see me again to-day, I thought it better,
+perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, and on
+entering, Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Oh! it&rsquo;s you, Mr.
+Pooter; do you want to see me?&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;No,
+sir, I thought you wanted to see me!&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Oh!&rdquo; he replied, &ldquo;I remember. Well, I am
+very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 3.&mdash;Still in a state
+of anxiety and excitement, which was not alleviated by
+ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be at the
+office to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily
+engaged with a paper, said suddenly to me: &ldquo;Do you know
+anything about <i>chalk pits</i>, Guv.?&rdquo; I said:
+&ldquo;No, my boy, not that I&rsquo;m aware of.&rdquo;
+Lupin said: &ldquo;Well, I give you the tip; <i>chalk pits</i>
+are as safe as Consols, and pay six per cent. at
+par.&rdquo; I said a rather neat thing, viz.: &ldquo;They
+may be six per cent. at <i>par</i>, but your <i>pa</i> has no
+money to invest.&rdquo; Carrie and I both roared with
+laughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the
+joke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued:
+&ldquo;I give you the tip, that&rsquo;s all&mdash;<i>chalk
+pits</i>!&rdquo; I said another funny thing: &ldquo;Mind
+you don&rsquo;t fall into them!&rdquo; Lupin put on a
+supercilious smile, and said: &ldquo;Bravo! Joe
+Miller.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 4.&mdash;Mr. Perkupp sent
+for me and told me that my position would be that of one of the
+senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr. Perkupp
+added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary would
+be. This means another day&rsquo;s anxiety; I don&rsquo;t
+mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort. That reminded me
+that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I
+received from Mr. Mutlar, senr. I broached the subject to
+Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupin
+was riveted to the <i>Financial News</i>, as if he had been a
+born capitalist, and I said: &ldquo;Pardon me a moment, Lupin,
+how is it you have not been to the Mutlars&rsquo; any day this
+week?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin answered: &ldquo;I told you! I cannot stand old
+Mutlar.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly
+that he cannot stand you!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Well, I like his cheek in writing to
+<i>you</i>. I&rsquo;ll find out if his father is still
+alive, and I will write <i>him</i> a note complaining of
+<i>his</i> son, and I&rsquo;ll state pretty clearly that his son
+is a blithering idiot!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the
+presence of your mother.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m very sorry, but there is no other
+expression one can apply to him. However, I&rsquo;m
+determined not to enter his place again.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the
+house.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin replied: &ldquo;Well, we won&rsquo;t split
+straws&mdash;it&rsquo;s all the same. Daisy is a trump, and
+will wait for me ten years, if necessary.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 5.&mdash;I can scarcely
+write the news. Mr. Perkupp told me my salary would be
+raised &pound;100! I stood gaping for a moment unable to
+realise it. I annually get &pound;10 rise, and I thought it
+might be &pound;15 or even &pound;20; but &pound;100 surpasses
+all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good
+fortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good
+spirits. I sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer&rsquo;s
+for a bottle of champagne, the same as we had before,
+&ldquo;Jackson Frères.&rdquo; It was opened at
+supper, and I said to Lupin: &ldquo;This is to celebrate some
+good news I have received to-day.&rdquo; Lupin replied:
+&ldquo;Hooray, Guv.! And I have some good news, also; a
+double event, eh?&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;My boy, as a result
+of twenty-one years&rsquo; industry and strict attention to the
+interests of my superiors in office, I have been rewarded with
+promotion and a rise in salary of &pound;100.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously,
+which brought in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin
+ordered us to &ldquo;fill up&rdquo; again, and addressing us
+upstanding, said: &ldquo;Having been in the firm of Job
+Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not having
+paid particular attention to the interests of my superiors in
+office, my Guv&rsquo;nor, as a reward to me, allotted me &pound;5
+worth of shares in a really good thing. The result is,
+to-day I have made &pound;200.&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;Lupin,
+you are joking.&rdquo; &ldquo;No, Guv., it&rsquo;s the good
+old truth; Job Cleanands <i>put me on to
+Chlorates</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 21.&mdash;I am very much
+concerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap. I said:
+&ldquo;Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous
+extravagance?&rdquo; Lupin replied: &ldquo;Well, one must
+get to the City somehow. I&rsquo;ve only hired it, and can
+give it up any time I like.&rdquo; I repeated my question:
+&ldquo;Are you justified in this extravagance?&rdquo; He
+replied: &ldquo;Look here, Guv., excuse me saying so, but
+you&rsquo;re a bit out of date. It does not pay nowadays,
+fiddling about over small things. I don&rsquo;t mean
+anything personal, Guv&rsquo;nor. My boss says if I take
+his tip, and stick to big things, I can make big
+money!&rdquo; I said I thought the very idea of speculation
+most horrifying. Lupin said &ldquo;It is not speculation,
+it&rsquo;s a dead cert.&rdquo; I advised him, at all
+events, not to continue the pony and cart; but he replied:
+&ldquo;I made &pound;200 in one day; now suppose I only make
+&pound;200 in a month, or put it at &pound;100 a month, which is
+ridiculously low&mdash;why, that is &pound;1,250 a year.
+What&rsquo;s a few pounds a week for a trap?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I
+should feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age
+and responsible for his own debts. He answered: &ldquo;My
+dear Guv., I promise you faithfully that I will never speculate
+with what I have not got. I shall only go on Job
+Cleanands&rsquo; tips, and as he is in the &lsquo;know&rsquo; it
+is pretty safe sailing.&rdquo; I felt somewhat
+relieved. Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise,
+informed me that, as he had made &pound;10 by one of
+Lupin&rsquo;s tips, he intended asking us and the Cummings round
+next Saturday. Carrie and I said we should be
+delighted.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 22.&mdash;I don&rsquo;t
+generally lose my temper with servants; but I had to speak to
+Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recently
+contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the
+breakfast things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall
+on the carpet, eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answered
+very rudely: &ldquo;Oh, you are always complaining.&rdquo;
+I replied: &ldquo;Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you last
+week about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece
+of yellow soap on the heel of your boot.&rdquo; She said:
+&ldquo;And you&rsquo;re always grumbling about your
+breakfast.&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;No, I am not; but I feel
+perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a
+hard-boiled egg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts all
+over the plate, and I have spoken to you at least fifty times
+about it.&rdquo; She began to cry and make a scene; but
+fortunately my &rsquo;bus came by, so I had a good excuse for
+leaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that we
+were not to forget next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said:
+&ldquo;As he has never asked any friends before, we are not
+likely to forget it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 23.&mdash;I asked Lupin to
+try and change the hard brushes, he recently made me a present
+of, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser tells me I ought not
+to brush my hair too much just now.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 24.&mdash;The new
+chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. Carrie
+arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each
+side. It is an immense improvement to the room.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 25.&mdash;We had just
+finished our tea, when who should come in but Cummings, who has
+not been here for over three weeks. I noticed that he
+looked anything but well, so I said: &ldquo;Well, Cummings, how
+are you? You look a little blue.&rdquo; He replied:
+&ldquo;Yes! and I feel blue too.&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;Why,
+what&rsquo;s the matter?&rdquo; He said: &ldquo;Oh,
+nothing, except that I have been on my back for a couple of
+weeks, that&rsquo;s all. At one time my doctor nearly gave
+me up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has even
+taken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or
+dead.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;This is the first I have heard of it. I
+have passed your house several nights, and presumed you had
+company, as the rooms were so brilliantly lighted.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Cummings replied: &ldquo;No! The only company I have had
+was my wife, the doctor, and the landlady&mdash;the last-named
+having turned out a perfect trump. I wonder you did not see
+it in the paper. I know it was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle
+News</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I thought to cheer him up, and said: &ldquo;Well, you are all
+right now?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He replied: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s not the question. The
+question is whether an illness does not enable you to discover
+who are your <i>true</i> friends.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make
+matters worse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap
+on the back, and said: &ldquo;Hulloh! Have you seen a
+ghost? You look scared to death, like Irving in
+<i>Macbeth</i>.&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;Gently, Gowing, the
+poor fellow has been very ill.&rdquo; Gowing roared with
+laughter and said: &ldquo;Yes, and you look it, too.&rdquo;
+Cummings quietly said: &ldquo;Yes, and I feel it too&mdash;not
+that I suppose you care.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: &ldquo;Never
+mind, Cummings, you and the missis come round to my place
+to-morrow, and it will cheer you up a bit; for we&rsquo;ll open a
+bottle of wine.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 26.&mdash;An extraordinary
+thing happened. Carrie and I went round to Gowing&rsquo;s,
+as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and rang
+several times without getting an answer. At last the latch
+was drawn and the door opened a little way, the chain still being
+up. A man in shirt-sleeves put his head through and said:
+&ldquo;Who is it? What do you want?&rdquo; I said:
+&ldquo;Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us.&rdquo; The man said
+(as well as I could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog):
+&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think he is. Mr. Gowing is not at
+home.&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;He will be in
+directly.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and
+me standing on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the
+corner.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then
+discovered for the first time that the knocker had been newly
+painted, and the paint had come off on my gloves&mdash;which
+were, in consequence, completely spoiled.</p>
+
+<p>I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.</p>
+
+<p>The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and
+began abusing me. He said: &ldquo;What do you mean by
+scratching the paint with your stick like that, spoiling the
+varnish? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He interrupted and said: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t care for Mr.
+Gowing, or any of his friends. This is <i>my</i> door, not
+Mr. Gowing&rsquo;s. There are people here besides Mr.
+Gowing.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely
+noticed it, it was so trivial in comparison with the scandalous
+conduct of Gowing.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings
+was very lame and leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and
+asked what the matter was.</p>
+
+<p>The man said: &ldquo;Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting
+anyone. All he said was he had just received an invitation
+to Croydon, and he should not be back till Monday evening.
+He took his bag with him.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant
+with Gowing&rsquo;s conduct to say anything. Cummings
+looked white with rage, and as he descended the steps struck his
+stick violently on the ground and said:
+&ldquo;Scoundrel!&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes
+us for a drive, which we don&rsquo;t enjoy. Lupin
+introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 8.&mdash;It does seem hard
+I cannot get good sausages for breakfast. They are either
+full of bread or spice, or are as red as beef. Still
+anxious about the &pound;20 I invested last week by Lupin&rsquo;s
+advice. However, Cummings has done the same.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 9.&mdash;Exactly a
+fortnight has passed, and I have neither seen nor heard from
+Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round to
+his house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie was
+engaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased.
+I&rsquo;ll back Carrie&rsquo;s marking against
+anybody&rsquo;s. While I was drying them at the fire, and
+Carrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in.</p>
+
+<p>He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the
+collars. I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he
+replied that he had not. I said I should not have believed
+that Gowing could have acted in such an ungentlemanly
+manner. Cummings said: &ldquo;You are mild in your
+description of him; I think he has acted like a cad.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened,
+and Gowing, putting in his head, said: &ldquo;May I come
+in?&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;Certainly.&rdquo; Carrie
+said very pointedly: &ldquo;Well, you <i>are</i> a
+stranger.&rdquo; Gowing said: &ldquo;Yes, I&rsquo;ve been
+on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.&rdquo; I
+could see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackled
+Gowing very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday
+week. Gowing appeared surprised, and said: &ldquo;Why, I
+posted a letter to you in the morning announcing that the party
+was &lsquo;off, very much off.&rsquo;&rdquo; I said:
+&ldquo;I never got it.&rdquo; Gowing, turning to Carrie,
+said: &ldquo;I suppose letters sometimes <i>miscarry</i>,
+don&rsquo;t they, <i>Mrs.</i> Carrie?&rdquo; Cummings
+sharply said: &ldquo;This is not a time for joking. I had
+no notice of the party being put off.&rdquo; Gowing
+replied: &ldquo;I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I was in
+a hurry. However, I&rsquo;ll inquire at the post-office,
+and we must meet again at my place.&rdquo; I added that I
+hoped he would be present at the next meeting. Carrie
+roared at this, and even Cummings could not help laughing.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 10, Sunday.&mdash;Contrary
+to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin to persuade her to take her
+for a drive in the afternoon in his trap. I quite
+disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust
+Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. Lupin
+said: &ldquo;Now, that is nice of you, Guv., but you won&rsquo;t
+mind sitting on the back-seat of the cart?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles
+too large for him. Carrie said it wanted taking in
+considerably at the back. Lupin said: &ldquo;Haven&rsquo;t
+you seen a box-coat before? You can&rsquo;t drive in
+anything else.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never
+drive with him again. His conduct was shocking. When
+we passed Highgate Archway, he tried to pass everything and
+everybody. He shouted to respectable people who were
+walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked at
+the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and,
+as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of
+roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned
+and followed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse
+jokes and laughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting us
+with orange-peel.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin&rsquo;s excuse&mdash;that the Prince of Wales would have
+to put up with the same sort of thing if he drove to the
+Derby&mdash;was of little consolation to either Carrie or
+myself. Frank Mutlar called in the evening, and Lupin went
+out with him.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 11.&mdash;Feeling a little
+concerned about Lupin, I mustered up courage to speak to Mr.
+Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has always been most kind to
+me, so I told him everything, including yesterday&rsquo;s
+adventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: &ldquo;There is no
+necessity for you to be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would be
+impossible for a son of such good parents to turn out
+erroneously. Remember he is young, and will soon get
+older. I wish we could find room for him in this
+firm.&rdquo; The advice of this good man takes loads off my
+mind. In the evening Lupin came in.</p>
+
+<p>After our little supper, he said: &ldquo;My dear parents, I
+have some news, which I fear will affect you
+considerably.&rdquo; I felt a qualm come over me, and said
+nothing. Lupin then said: &ldquo;It may distress
+you&mdash;in fact, I&rsquo;m sure it will&mdash;but this
+afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for ever.&rdquo;
+It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a
+bottle of port. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing
+with him a large sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, which
+he fastened against the wall. He then produced several
+separate tails, and we spent the remainder of the evening trying
+blindfolded to pin a tail on in the proper place. My sides
+positively ached with laughter when I went to bed.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 12.&mdash;In the evening I
+spoke to Lupin about his engagement with Daisy Mutlar. I
+asked if he had heard from her. He replied: &ldquo;No; she
+promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would not
+communicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in
+fact, he said he might call again this evening.&rdquo;
+Frank called, but said he could not stop, as he had a friend
+waiting outside for him, named Murray Posh, adding he was quite a
+swell. Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.</p>
+
+<p>He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr.
+Murray Posh was a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a
+very nervous disposition, as he subsequently confessed he would
+never go in a hansom cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler until
+the driver had first got on the box with his reins in his
+hands.</p>
+
+<p>On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact,
+said: &ldquo;Any relation to &lsquo;Posh&rsquo;s three-shilling
+hats&rsquo;?&rdquo; Mr. Posh replied: &ldquo;Yes; but
+please understand I don&rsquo;t try on hats myself. I take
+no <i>active</i> part in the business.&rdquo; I replied:
+&ldquo;I wish I had a business like it.&rdquo; Mr. Posh
+seemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of
+the extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap
+hats.</p>
+
+<p>Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from
+the way he was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once,
+laughingly: &ldquo;If you don&rsquo;t look out, Posh will cut you
+out!&rdquo; When they had all gone, I referred to this
+flippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: &ldquo;A
+man who is jealous has no respect for himself. A man who
+would be jealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have
+a contempt for himself. I know Daisy. She
+<i>would</i> wait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, if
+necessary, <i>she would wait twenty years for me</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XVI</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">We lose money over Lupin&rsquo;s advice as to
+investment, so does Cummings. Murray Posh engaged to Daisy
+Mutlar.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 18.&mdash;Carrie has
+several times recently called attention to the thinness of my
+hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it seen
+to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a
+small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edge
+of the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand and
+smashed it. Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she is
+rather absurdly superstitious. To make matters worse, my
+large photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, and
+the glass cracked.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie said: &ldquo;Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is
+about to happen.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Nonsense, dear.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little
+agitated. I said: &ldquo;What&rsquo;s up, my
+boy?&rdquo; He hesitated a good deal, and then said:
+&ldquo;You know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to
+invest &pound;20 in?&rdquo; I replied: &ldquo;Yes, they are
+all right, I trust?&rdquo; He replied: &ldquo;Well,
+no! To the surprise of everybody, they have utterly
+collapsed.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>My breath was so completely taken away, I could say
+nothing. Carrie looked at me, and said: &ldquo;What did I
+tell you?&rdquo; Lupin, after a while, said:
+&ldquo;However, you are specially fortunate. I received an
+early tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to
+get &pound;2 for them. So you get something after
+all.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I gave a sigh of relief. I said: &ldquo;I was not so
+sanguine as to suppose, as you predicted, that I should get six
+or eight times the amount of my investment; still a profit of
+&pound;2 is a good percentage for such a short time.&rdquo;
+Lupin said, quite irritably: &ldquo;You don&rsquo;t
+understand. I sold your &pound;20 shares for &pound;2; you
+therefore lose &pound;18 on the transaction, whereby Cummings and
+Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 19.&mdash;Lupin, before
+going to town, said: &ldquo;I am very sorry about those
+Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss, Job
+Cleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, you must
+not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office. Job
+Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it strikes me
+several people <i>do</i> want to see him very
+particularly.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to
+avoid a collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former
+entered the room, without knocking, but with his usual trick of
+saying, &ldquo;May I come in?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to
+be in the very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I
+broached the subject to him, but he did so of his own
+accord. He said: &ldquo;I say, those Parachikka Chlorates
+have gone an awful smash! You&rsquo;re a nice one, Master
+Lupin. How much do you lose?&rdquo; Lupin, to my
+utter astonishment, said: &ldquo;Oh! I had nothing in
+them. There was some informality in my application&mdash;I
+forgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn&rsquo;t get
+any. The Guv. loses &pound;18.&rdquo; I said:
+&ldquo;I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have
+induced me to speculate.&rdquo; Lupin replied: &ldquo;Well,
+it can&rsquo;t be helped; you must go double on the next
+tip.&rdquo; Before I could reply, Gowing said: &ldquo;Well,
+I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I did not
+quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my
+&pound;15 worth, as he had more faith in them than I
+had.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner,
+said: &ldquo;Alas, poor Cummings. He&rsquo;ll lose
+&pound;35.&rdquo; At that moment there was a ring at the
+bell. Lupin said: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t want to meet
+Cummings.&rdquo; If he had gone out of the door he would
+have met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible Lupin
+opened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up
+suddenly, exclaiming: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t want to see him
+either!&rdquo; and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin
+out of the window.</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one
+of my most intimate friends should depart from the house like a
+couple of interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very
+upset, and of course was naturally very angry both with Lupin and
+Gowing. I pressed him to have a little whisky, and he
+replied that he had given up whisky; but would like a little
+&ldquo;Unsweetened,&rdquo; as he was advised it was the most
+healthy spirit. I had none in the house, but sent Sarah
+round to Lockwood&rsquo;s for some.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 20.&mdash;The first thing
+that caught my eye on opening the <i>Standard</i>
+was&mdash;&ldquo;Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers!
+Mr. Job Cleanands absconded!&rdquo; I handed it to Carrie,
+and she replied: &ldquo;Oh! perhaps it&rsquo;s for Lupin&rsquo;s
+good. I never did think it a suitable situation for
+him.&rdquo; I thought the whole affair very shocking.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully
+distressed, I said: &ldquo;We know the news, my dear boy, and
+feel very sorry for you.&rdquo; Lupin said: &ldquo;How did
+you know? who told you?&rdquo; I handed him the
+<i>Standard</i>. He threw the paper down, and said:
+&ldquo;Oh I don&rsquo;t care a button for that! I expected
+that, but I did not expect this.&rdquo; He then read a
+letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that
+Daisy Mutlar is to be married next month to Murray Posh. I
+exclaimed, &ldquo;Murray Posh! Is not that the very man
+Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday
+week?&rdquo; Lupin said: &ldquo;Yes; the
+&lsquo;<i>Posh&rsquo;s-three-shilling-hats</i>&rsquo;
+chap.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.</p>
+
+<p>In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too
+worried, but I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon. If
+I cannot get streaky bacon, I will do without anything.</p>
+
+<p>When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over
+his face. I asked him what it meant. He replied:
+&ldquo;Oh! only a little consolation&mdash;still it is a
+consolation. I have just remembered that, by <i>my</i>
+advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested &pound;600 in Parachikka
+Chlorates!&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XVII</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray
+Posh. The dream of my life realised. Mr. Perkupp
+takes Lupin into the office.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">March</span> 20.&mdash;To-day being the
+day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. Murray Posh are to be married,
+Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at Gravesend.
+Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, although he declares
+that he is glad it is off. I wish he would not go to so
+many music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him about
+it. At the present moment he irritates me by singing all
+over the house some nonsense about &ldquo;What&rsquo;s the matter
+with Gladstone? He&rsquo;s all right! What&rsquo;s
+the matter with Lupin? He&rsquo;s all right!&rdquo;
+<i>I</i> don&rsquo;t think either of them is. In the
+evening Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation was
+Daisy&rsquo;s marriage to Murray Posh. I said: &ldquo;I was
+glad the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only have made a
+fool of Lupin.&rdquo; Gowing, with his usual good taste,
+said: &ldquo;Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself without
+any assistance.&rdquo; Carrie very properly resented this,
+and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">March</span> 21.&mdash;To-day I shall
+conclude my diary, for it is one of the happiest days of my
+life. My great dream of the last few weeks&mdash;in fact,
+of many years&mdash;has been realised. This morning came a
+letter from Mr. Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the
+office with me. I went to Lupin&rsquo;s room; poor fellow,
+he seemed very pale, and said he had a bad headache. He had
+come back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spent part of the
+day in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough to
+neglect to take his overcoat with him. I showed him Mr.
+Perkupp&rsquo;s letter, and he got up as quickly as
+possible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured
+clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or
+quiet-looking.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all
+she could keep on saying was: &ldquo;Oh, I <i>do</i> hope it will
+be all right.&rdquo; For myself, I could scarcely eat any
+breakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, and looking a
+perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow.
+Carrie, by way of encouragement said: &ldquo;You do look nice,
+Lupin.&rdquo; Lupin replied: &ldquo;Yes, it&rsquo;s a good
+make-up, isn&rsquo;t it? A
+regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior-clerk.&rdquo;
+He laughed rather ironically.</p>
+
+<p>In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to
+Sarah to fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage,
+and found Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tall
+hat. I said: &ldquo;Lupin, my boy, what are you
+doing? How wicked of you! Some poor fellow would be
+glad to have it.&rdquo; Lupin replied: &ldquo;I would not
+insult any poor fellow by giving it to him.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and
+saw inside &ldquo;Posh&rsquo;s Patent.&rdquo; Poor
+Lupin! I can forgive him. It seemed hours before we
+reached the office. Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was
+with him nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought,
+crestfallen in appearance. I said: &ldquo;Well, Lupin, how
+about Mr. Perkupp?&rdquo; Lupin commenced his song:
+&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the matter with Perkupp? He&rsquo;s all
+right!&rdquo; I felt instinctively my boy was
+engaged. I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I could not
+speak. He said: &ldquo;Well, Mr. Pooter, what is
+it?&rdquo; I must have looked a fool, for all I could say
+was: &ldquo;Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man.&rdquo; He
+looked at me for a moment, and said: &ldquo;No, Mr. Pooter,
+<i>you</i> are the good man; and we&rsquo;ll see if we cannot get
+your son to follow such an excellent example.&rdquo; I
+said: &ldquo;Mr. Perkupp, may I go home? I cannot work any
+more to-day.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his
+head. It was as much as I could do to prevent myself from
+crying in the &rsquo;bus; in fact, I should have done so, had my
+thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin, who was having a quarrel
+with a fat man in the &rsquo;bus, whom he accused of taking up
+too much room.</p>
+
+<p>In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings
+and his wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the
+fire, and in a bottle of &ldquo;Jackson Frères,&rdquo;
+which Sarah fetched from the grocer&rsquo;s, drank Lupin&rsquo;s
+health. I lay awake for hours, thinking of the
+future. My boy in the same office as myself&mdash;we can go
+down together by the &rsquo;bus, come home together, and who
+knows but in the course of time he may take great interest in our
+little home. That he may help me to put a nail in here or a
+nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture.
+In the summer he may help us in our little garden with the
+flowers, and assist us to paint the stands and pots.
+(By-the-by, I must get in some more enamel paint.) All this
+I thought over and over again, and a thousand happy thoughts
+beside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after fell
+asleep, only to dream of three happy people&mdash;Lupin, dear
+Carrie, and myself.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XVIII</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go
+to a Volunteer Ball, where I am let in for an expensive
+supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An odd
+invitation to Southend.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 8.&mdash;No events of any
+importance, except that Gowing strongly recommended a new patent
+stylographic pen, which cost me nine-and-sixpence, and which was
+simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. It has caused
+me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. The ink
+oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the
+office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to
+jerk the ink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out:
+&ldquo;Stop that knocking! I suppose that is you, Mr.
+Pitt?&rdquo; That young monkey, Pitt, took a malicious glee
+in responding quite loudly: &ldquo;No, sir; I beg pardon, it is
+Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all the
+morning.&rdquo; To make matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing
+behind his desk. I thought it wiser to say nothing. I
+took the pen back to the shop and asked them if they would take
+it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full price
+returned, but was willing to take half. The man said he
+could not do that&mdash;buying and selling were two different
+things. Lupin&rsquo;s conduct during the period he has been
+in Mr. Perkupp&rsquo;s office has been most exemplary. My
+only fear is, it is too good to last.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 9.&mdash;Gowing called,
+bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and myself to a ball
+given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought would be
+a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir William Grime)
+had promised his patronage. We accepted of his kindness,
+and he stayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for
+trying a bottle of the sparkling Algéra that Mr. James (of
+Sutton) had sent as a present. Gowing sipped the wine,
+observing that he had never tasted it before, and further
+remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised
+brands. I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and
+one mustn&rsquo;t look a gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing
+facetiously replied: &ldquo;And he didn&rsquo;t like putting it
+in the mouth either.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on
+tasting it myself, came to the conclusion there was some
+justification for them. The sparkling Algéra is very
+like cider, only more sour. I suggested that perhaps the
+thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied:
+&ldquo;Oh! I don&rsquo;t think so.&rdquo; We had a very
+pleasant game of cards, though I lost four shillings and Carrie
+lost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence: how he
+could have lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only
+other players, remains a mystery.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 14, Sunday.&mdash;Owing, I
+presume, to the unsettled weather, I awoke with a feeling that my
+skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum. Walking
+round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, members of our
+congregation who had walked back with us, I was much annoyed to
+find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path,
+evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who,
+whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside their
+conservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and
+imitating birds.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 15.&mdash;Burnt my tongue
+most awfully with the Worcester sauce, through that stupid girl
+Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on the
+table.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 16.&mdash;The night of the
+East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice, Carrie put on the
+same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the Mansion House,
+for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr.
+Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary Artillery
+Company, would in all probability be present. Lupin, in his
+usual incomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard it
+was a &ldquo;bounders&rsquo; ball.&rdquo; I didn&rsquo;t
+ask him what he meant though I didn&rsquo;t understand.
+Where he gets these expressions from I don&rsquo;t know; he
+certainly doesn&rsquo;t learn them at home.</p>
+
+<p>The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we
+arrived an hour later we should be in good time, without being
+&ldquo;unfashionable,&rdquo; as Mrs. James says. It was
+very difficult to find&mdash;the cabman having to get down
+several times to inquire at different public-houses where the
+Drill Hall was. I wonder at people living in such
+out-of-the-way places. No one seemed to know it.
+However, after going up and down a good many badly-lighted
+streets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it was
+so far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who
+only grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and
+was impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a
+ball to take a &rsquo;bus.</p>
+
+<p>Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but
+that it was better late than never. He seemed a very
+good-looking gentleman though, as Carrie remarked, &ldquo;rather
+short for an officer.&rdquo; He begged to be excused for
+leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped we should
+make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walked
+round the rooms two or three times and watched the people
+dancing. I couldn&rsquo;t find a single person I knew, but
+attributed it to most of them being in uniform. As we were
+entering the supper-room I received a slap on the shoulder,
+followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: &ldquo;Mr.
+Padge, I believe;&rdquo; he replied, &ldquo;That&rsquo;s
+right.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made
+herself at home with Carrie at once.</p>
+
+<p>There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of
+champagne, claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be
+done regardless of expense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I
+admit, I have no particular liking for, but I felt so glad to
+come across someone I knew, that I asked him to sit at our table,
+and I must say that for a short fat man he looked well in
+uniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the
+back. It was the only supper-room that I have been in that
+was not over-crowded; in fact we were the only people there,
+everybody being so busy dancing.</p>
+
+<p>I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said
+her name was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed
+the bottle to Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying: &ldquo;You must
+look after yourself.&rdquo; He replied: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s
+right,&rdquo; and poured out half a tumbler and drank
+Carrie&rsquo;s health, coupled, as he said, &ldquo;with her
+worthy lord and master.&rdquo; We all had some splendid
+pigeon pie, and ices to follow.</p>
+
+<p>The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like
+some more wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr.
+Padge, also some people who had just come from the dancing-room,
+who were very civil. It occurred to me at the time that
+perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in the City, as they were
+so polite. I made myself useful, and assisted several
+ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that &ldquo;There is
+nothing lost by civility.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the
+ball-room. The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious
+to see the dancing, and as I had not quite finished my supper,
+Mr. Padge offered his arms to them and escorted them to the
+ball-room, telling me to follow. I said to Mr. Padge:
+&ldquo;It is quite a West End affair,&rdquo; to which remark Mr.
+Padge replied: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s right.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the
+waiter who had been attending on us arrested my attention by
+tapping me on the shoulder. I thought it unusual for a
+waiter at a private ball to expect a tip, but nevertheless gave a
+shilling, as he had been very attentive. He smilingly
+replied: &ldquo;I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good,&rdquo;
+alluding to the shilling. &ldquo;Your party&rsquo;s had
+four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s., three bottles of
+champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny cigar
+for the stout gentleman&mdash;in all &pound;3 0s. 6d.!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I don&rsquo;t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and
+had only sufficient breath to inform him that I had received a
+private invitation, to which he answered that he was perfectly
+well aware of that; but that the invitation didn&rsquo;t include
+eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was standing at
+the bar corroborated the waiter&rsquo;s statement, and assured me
+it was quite correct.</p>
+
+<p>The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any
+misapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course there
+was nothing to be done but to pay. So, after turning out my
+pockets, I just managed to scrape up sufficient, all but nine
+shillings; but the manager, on my giving my card to him, said:
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s all right.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I don&rsquo;t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life,
+and I determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it
+would entirely destroy the pleasant evening she was
+enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoyment for me that
+evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs.
+Lupkin. Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs.
+Lupkin, as we were wishing her &ldquo;Good-night,&rdquo; asked
+Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend? On
+my replying that I hadn&rsquo;t been there for many years, she
+very kindly said: &ldquo;Well, why don&rsquo;t you come down and
+stay at our place?&rdquo; As her invitation was so
+pressing, and observing that Carrie wished to go, we promised we
+would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay till
+Monday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow,
+giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.</p>
+
+<p>When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that
+the roads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great
+difficulty in getting a cabman to take us to Holloway.
+After waiting a bit, a man said he would drive us, anyhow, as far
+as &ldquo;The Angel,&rdquo; at Islington, and we could easily get
+another cab from there. It was a tedious journey; the rain
+was beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of
+the cab.</p>
+
+<p>When we arrived at &ldquo;The Angel&rdquo; the horse seemed
+tired out. Carrie got out and ran into a doorway, and when
+I came to pay, to my absolute horror I remembered I had no money,
+nor had Carrie. I explained to the cabman how we were
+situated. Never in my life have I ever been so insulted;
+the cabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober,
+called me every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively
+seized me by the beard, which he pulled till the tears came into
+my eyes. I took the number of a policeman (who witnessed
+the assault) for not taking the man in charge. The
+policeman said he couldn&rsquo;t interfere, that he had seen no
+assault, and that people should not ride in cabs without
+money.</p>
+
+<p>We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and
+when I got in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman,
+word for word, as I intend writing to the <i>Telegraph</i> for
+the purpose of proposing that cabs should be driven only by men
+under Government control, to prevent civilians being subjected to
+the disgraceful insult and outrage that I had had to endure.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 17.&mdash;No water in our
+cistern again. Sent for Putley, who said he would soon
+remedy that, the cistern being zinc.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 18.&mdash;Water all right
+again in the cistern. Mrs. James, of Sutton, called in the
+afternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the
+drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all
+over it, as Mrs. James says it&rsquo;s quite the fashion.
+It was Mrs. James&rsquo; suggestion, and of course Carrie always
+does what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, I preferred the
+mantelpiece as it was; but there, I&rsquo;m a plain man, and
+don&rsquo;t pretend to be in the fashion.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 19.&mdash;Our next-door
+neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a rather offensive tone
+accused me, or &ldquo;someone,&rdquo; of boring a hole in his
+cistern and letting out his water to supply our cistern, which
+adjoined his. He said he should have his repaired, and send
+us in the bill.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 20.&mdash;Cummings called,
+hobbling in with a stick, saying he had been on his back for a
+week. It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom door,
+which is situated just at the top of the staircase, and unknown
+to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had got
+between the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the
+door hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his
+hands, and he fell backwards downstairs.</p>
+
+<p>On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and
+rushed out of the room sideways. Cummings looked very
+indignant, and remarked it was very poor fun a man nearly
+breaking his back; and though I had my suspicions that Lupin was
+laughing, I assured Cummings that he had only run out to open the
+door to a friend he expected. Cummings said this was the
+second time he had been laid up, and we had never sent to
+inquire. I said I knew nothing about it. Cummings
+said: &ldquo;It was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle
+News</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 22.&mdash;I have of late
+frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails a good deal with an
+instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, she replied:
+&ldquo;Oh, I&rsquo;m going in for manicuring. It&rsquo;s
+all the fashion now.&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;I suppose Mrs.
+James introduced that into your head.&rdquo; Carrie
+laughingly replied: &ldquo;Yes; but everyone does it
+now.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I wish Mrs. James wouldn&rsquo;t come to the house.
+Whenever she does she always introduces some new-fandangled
+rubbish into Carrie&rsquo;s head. One of these days I feel
+sure I shall tell her she&rsquo;s not welcome. I am sure it
+was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on dark
+slate-coloured paper with white ink. Nonsense!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 23.&mdash;Received a letter
+from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the train to come by on
+Saturday, and hoping we will keep our promise to stay with
+her. The letter concluded: &ldquo;You must come and stay at
+our house; we shall charge you half what you will have to pay at
+the Royal, and the view is every bit as good.&rdquo;
+Looking at the address at the top of the note-paper, I found it
+was &ldquo;Lupkin&rsquo;s Family and Commercial Hotel.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to &ldquo;decline her
+kind invitation.&rdquo; Carrie thought this very satirical,
+and to the point.</p>
+
+<p>By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at
+night. I ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden at
+Edwards&rsquo;, and chose the pattern by gaslight, and they
+seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt mixture with white stripes
+down. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I
+found it was quite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of
+green with bright yellow-coloured stripes.</p>
+
+<p>I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie
+giggling. She said: &ldquo;What mixture did you say you
+asked for?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;A quiet pepper and salt.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Carrie said: &ldquo;Well, it looks more like mustard, if you
+want to know the truth.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XIX</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old
+schoolfellow. We have a pleasant and quiet dinner at his
+uncle&rsquo;s, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on my part
+respecting Mr. Finsworth&rsquo;s pictures. A discussion on
+dreams.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 27.&mdash;Kept a little later
+than usual at the office, and as I was hurrying along a man
+stopped me, saying: &ldquo;Hulloh! That&rsquo;s a face I
+know.&rdquo; I replied politely: &ldquo;Very likely; lots
+of people know me, although I may not know them.&rdquo; He
+replied: &ldquo;But you know me&mdash;Teddy
+Finsworth.&rdquo; So it was. He was at the same
+school with me. I had not seen him for years and
+years. No wonder I did not know him! At school he was
+at least a head taller than I was; now I am at least a head
+taller than he is, and he has a thick beard, almost grey.
+He insisted on my having a glass of wine (a thing I never do),
+and told me he lived at Middlesboro&rsquo;, where he was Deputy
+Town Clerk, a position which was as high as the Town Clerk of
+London&mdash;in fact, higher. He added that he was staying
+for a few days in London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul
+Finsworth (of Finsworth and Pultwell). He said he was sure
+his uncle would be only too pleased to see me, and he had a nice
+house, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes&rsquo; walk from Muswell
+Hill Station. I gave him our address, and we parted.</p>
+
+<p>In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice
+letter from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would
+dine with them to-morrow (Sunday), at two o&rsquo;clock, he would
+be delighted. Carrie did not like to go; but Teddy
+Finsworth pressed us so much we consented. Carrie sent
+Sarah round to the butcher&rsquo;s and countermanded our half-leg
+of mutton, which we had ordered for to-morrow.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 28, Sunday.&mdash;We found
+Watney Lodge farther off than we anticipated, and only arrived as
+the clock struck two, both feeling hot and uncomfortable.
+To make matters worse, a large collie dog pounced forward to
+receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie,
+covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the first
+time, with mud. Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dog
+off and apologised. We were shown into the drawing-room,
+which was beautifully decorated. It was full of
+knick-knacks, and some plates hung up on the wall. There
+were several little wooden milk-stools with paintings on them;
+also a white wooden banjo, painted by one of Mr. Paul
+Finsworth&rsquo;s nieces&mdash;a cousin of Teddy&rsquo;s.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking
+elderly gentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie. There
+were a great many water-colours hanging on the walls, mostly
+different views of India, which were very bright. Mr.
+Finsworth said they were painted by &ldquo;Simpz,&rdquo; and
+added that he was no judge of pictures himself but had been
+informed on good authority that they were worth some hundreds of
+pounds, although he had only paid a few shillings apiece for
+them, frames included, at a sale in the neighbourhood.</p>
+
+<p>There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done
+in coloured crayons. It looked like a religious
+subject. I was very much struck with the lace collar, it
+looked so real, but I unfortunately made the remark that there
+was something about the expression of the face that was not quite
+pleasing. It looked pinched. Mr. Finsworth
+sorrowfully replied: &ldquo;Yes, the face was done after
+death&mdash;my wife&rsquo;s sister.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a
+whisper said I hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We both
+stood looking at the picture for a few minutes in silence, when
+Mr. Finsworth took out a handkerchief and said: &ldquo;She was
+sitting in our garden last summer,&rdquo; and blew his nose
+violently. He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at
+something else and stood in front of a portrait of a
+jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face and straw
+hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth: &ldquo;Who is this
+jovial-looking gentleman? Life doesn&rsquo;t seem to
+trouble him much.&rdquo; Mr. Finsworth said: &ldquo;No, it
+doesn&rsquo;t. <i>He is dead too</i>&mdash;my
+brother.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness.
+Fortunately at this moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth,
+who had taken her upstairs to take off her bonnet and brush her
+skirt. Teddy said: &ldquo;Short is late,&rdquo; but at that
+moment the gentleman referred to arrived, and I was introduced to
+him by Teddy, who said: &ldquo;Do you know Mr.
+Short?&rdquo; I replied, smiling, that I had not that
+pleasure, but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr.
+<i>Short</i>. He evidently did not see my little joke,
+although I repeated it twice with a little laugh. I
+suddenly remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhaps
+<i>very particular</i>. In this I was mistaken, for he was
+not at all particular in several of his remarks after
+dinner. In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations
+that I took the opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I
+feared she found Mr. Short occasionally a little
+embarrassing. To my surprise she said: &ldquo;Oh! he is
+privileged you know.&rdquo; I did not know as a matter of
+fact, and so I bowed apologetically. I fail to see why Mr.
+Short should be privileged.</p>
+
+<p>Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie
+dog, which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the
+dining-room table. It kept growling and snapping at my
+boots every time I moved my foot. Feeling nervous rather, I
+spoke to Mrs. Finsworth about the animal, and she remarked:
+&ldquo;It is only his play.&rdquo; She jumped up and let in
+a frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had been
+scratching at the door. This dog also seemed to take a
+fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it had licked
+off every bit of blacking from them. I was positively
+ashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. Finsworth, who, I must
+say, is not much of a Job&rsquo;s comforter, said: &ldquo;Oh! we
+are used to Bibbs doing that to our visitors.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question
+whether it is a good thing to take on the top of beer. It
+made me feel a little sleepy, while it had the effect of inducing
+Mr. Short to become &ldquo;privileged&rdquo; to rather an
+alarming extent. It being cold even for April, there was a
+fire in the drawing-room; we sat round in easy-chairs, and Teddy
+and I waxed rather eloquent over the old school days, which had
+the effect of sending all the others to sleep. I was
+delighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned, that it did have
+that effect on him.</p>
+
+<p>We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for
+the fact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my
+boots. Polished them myself when I got home. Went to
+church in the evening, and could scarcely keep awake. I
+will not take port on the top of beer again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 29.&mdash;I am getting quite
+accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, and I do not mind being sat
+upon by Carrie, because I think she has a certain amount of right
+to do so; but I do think it hard to be at once snubbed by wife,
+son, and both my guests.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I
+suddenly remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights
+ago, and I thought I would tell them about it. I dreamt I
+saw some huge blocks of ice in a shop with a bright glare behind
+them. I walked into the shop and the heat was
+overpowering. I found that the blocks of ice were on
+fire. The whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural I
+woke up in a cold perspiration. Lupin in a most
+contemptuous manner, said: &ldquo;What utter rot.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so
+completely uninteresting as other people&rsquo;s dreams.</p>
+
+<p>I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with
+the others and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said:
+&ldquo;It seemed so real to me.&rdquo; Gowing replied:
+&ldquo;Yes, to <i>you</i> perhaps, but not to
+<i>us</i>.&rdquo; Whereupon they all roared.</p>
+
+<p>Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: &ldquo;He tells me
+his stupid dreams every morning nearly.&rdquo; I replied:
+&ldquo;Very well, dear, I promise you I will never tell you or
+anybody else another dream of mine the longest day I
+live.&rdquo; Lupin said: &ldquo;Hear! hear!&rdquo; and
+helped himself to another glass of beer. The subject was
+fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting article
+on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XX</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Dinner at Franching&rsquo;s to meet Mr.
+Hardfur Huttle.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 10.&mdash;Received a letter
+from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking us to dine with him
+to-night, at seven o&rsquo;clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle, a
+very clever writer for the American papers. Franching
+apologised for the short notice; but said he had at the last
+moment been disappointed of two of his guests and regarded us as
+old friends who would not mind filling up the gap. Carrie
+rather demurred at the invitation; but I explained to her that
+Franching was very well off and influential, and we could not
+afford to offend him. &ldquo;And we are sure to get a good
+dinner and a good glass of champagne.&rdquo; &ldquo;Which
+never agrees with you!&rdquo; Carrie replied, sharply. I
+regarded Carrie&rsquo;s observation as unsaid. Mr.
+Franching asked us to wire a reply. As he had said nothing
+about dress in the letter, I wired back: &ldquo;With
+pleasure. Is it full dress?&rdquo; and by leaving out our
+name, just got the message within the sixpence.</p>
+
+<p>Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a
+telegram instructing us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet me
+at Franching&rsquo;s house; but she would not do so, so I had to
+go home to fetch her. What a long journey it is from
+Holloway to Peckham! Why do people live such a long way
+off? Having to change &rsquo;buses, I allowed plenty of
+time&mdash;in fact, too much; for we arrived at twenty minutes to
+seven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up
+to dress. However, he was down as the clock struck seven;
+he must have dressed very quickly.</p>
+
+<p>I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we
+did not know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite
+swells. Franching had got a professional waiter, and
+evidently spared no expense. There were flowers on the
+table round some fairy-lamps and the effect, I must say, was
+exquisite. The wine was good and there was plenty of
+champagne, concerning which Franching said he himself, never
+wished to taste better. We were ten in number, and a
+<i>menû</i> card to each. One lady said she always
+preserved the <i>menû</i> and got the guests to write their
+names on the back.</p>
+
+<p>We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was
+of course the important guest.</p>
+
+<p>The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur
+Huttle, Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs.
+Purdick, Mr. Pratt, Mr. R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and
+Mrs. Charles Pooter. Franching said he was sorry he had no
+lady for me to take in to dinner. I replied that I
+preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a very
+uncomplimentary observation to make.</p>
+
+<p>I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner. She seemed a
+well-informed lady, but was very deaf. It did not much
+matter, for Mr. Hardfur Huttle did all the talking. He is a
+marvellously intellectual man and says things which from other
+people would seem quite alarming. How I wish I could
+remember even a quarter of his brilliant conversation. I
+made a few little reminding notes on the <i>menû</i>
+card.</p>
+
+<p>One observation struck me as being absolutely
+powerful&mdash;though not to my way of thinking of course.
+Mrs. Purdick happened to say &ldquo;You are certainly unorthodox,
+Mr. Huttle.&rdquo; Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar expression
+(I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice: &ldquo;Mrs.
+Purdick, &lsquo;orthodox&rsquo; is a grandiloquent word implying
+sticking-in-the-mud. If Columbus and Stephenson had been
+orthodox, there would neither have been the discovery of America
+nor the steam-engine.&rdquo; There was quite a
+silence. It appeared to me that such teaching was
+absolutely dangerous, and yet I felt&mdash;in fact we must all
+have felt&mdash;there was no answer to the argument. A
+little later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching&rsquo;s sister
+and also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttle
+said: &ldquo;Why, ladies, do you deprive us of your company so
+soon? Why not wait while we have our cigars?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie)
+were in no way inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle&rsquo;s
+fascinating society, and immediately resumed their seats, amid
+much laughter and a little chaff. Mr. Huttle said:
+&ldquo;Well, that&rsquo;s a real good sign; you shall not be
+insulted by being called orthodox any longer.&rdquo; Mrs.
+Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said:
+&ldquo;Mr. Huttle, we will meet you half-way&mdash;that is, till
+you get half-way through your cigar. That, at all events,
+will be the happy medium.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I shall never forget the effect the words, &ldquo;happy
+medium,&rdquo; had upon him. He was brilliant and most
+daring in his interpretation of the words. He positively
+alarmed me. He said something like the following:
+&ldquo;Happy medium, indeed. Do you know &lsquo;happy
+medium&rsquo; are two words which mean &lsquo;miserable
+mediocrity&rsquo;? I say, go first class or third; marry a
+duchess or her kitchenmaid. The happy medium means
+respectability, and respectability means insipidness. Does
+it not, Mr. Pooter?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I
+could only bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not
+competent to offer an opinion. Carrie was about to say
+something; but she was interrupted, for which I was rather
+pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one has to be
+extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttle.</p>
+
+<p>He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his
+unwelcome opinions positively convincing: &ldquo;The happy medium
+is nothing more or less than a vulgar half-measure. A man
+who loves champagne and, finding a pint too little, fears to face
+a whole bottle and has recourse to an imperial pint, will never
+build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. No, he is
+half-hearted, he is a half-measure&mdash;respectable&mdash;in
+fact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of his days in a
+suburban villa with a stucco-column portico, resembling a
+four-post bedstead.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We all laughed.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;That sort of thing,&rdquo; continued Mr. Huttle,
+&ldquo;belongs to a soft man, with a soft beard with a soft head,
+with a made tie that hooks on.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking
+in the glass of the cheffonière; for <i>I</i> had on a tie
+that hooked on&mdash;and why not? If these remarks were not
+personal they were rather careless, and so were some of his
+subsequent observations, which must have made both Mr. Franching
+and his guests rather uncomfortable. I don&rsquo;t think
+Mr. Huttle meant to be personal, for he added; &ldquo;We
+don&rsquo;t know that class here in this country: but we do in
+America, and I&rsquo;ve no use for them.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Franching several times suggested that the wine should be
+passed round the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but
+continued as if he were giving a lecture:</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;What we want in America is your homes. We live on
+wheels. Your simple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching,
+are charming. No display, no pretension! You make no
+difference in your dinner, I dare say, when you sit down by
+yourself and when you invite us. You have your own personal
+attendant&mdash;no hired waiter to breathe on the back of your
+head.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I saw Franching palpably wince at this.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Huttle continued: &ldquo;Just a small dinner with a few
+good things, such as you have this evening. You
+don&rsquo;t insult your guests by sending to the grocer for
+champagne at six shillings a bottle.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I could not help thinking of &ldquo;Jackson
+Frères&rdquo; at three-and-six!</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;In fact,&rdquo; said Mr. Huttle, &ldquo;a man is little
+less than a murderer who does. That is the province of the
+milksop, who wastes his evening at home playing dominoes with his
+wife. I&rsquo;ve heard of these people. We
+don&rsquo;t want them at this table. Our party is well
+selected. We&rsquo;ve no use for deaf old women, who cannot
+follow intellectual conversation.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being
+deaf, did not hear his remarks; but continued smiling
+approval.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;We have no representative at Mr. Franching&rsquo;s
+table,&rdquo; said Mr. Huttle, &ldquo;of the unenlightened
+frivolous matron, who goes to a second class dance at Bayswater
+and fancies she is in Society. Society does not know her;
+it has no use for her.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was
+afforded for the ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching
+quietly to excuse me, as I did not wish to miss the last train,
+which we very nearly did, by-the-by, through Carrie having
+mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap which she wears when we go
+out.</p>
+
+<p>It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering
+the sitting-room I said: &ldquo;Carrie, what do you think of Mr.
+Hardfur Huttle?&rdquo; She simply answered: &ldquo;How like
+Lupin!&rdquo; The same idea occurred to me in the
+train. The comparison kept me awake half the night.
+Mr. Huttle was, of course, an older and more influential man; but
+he <i>was</i> like Lupin, and it made me think how dangerous
+Lupin would be if he were older and more influential. I
+feel proud to think Lupin <i>does</i> resemble Mr. Huttle in some
+ways. Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes
+wonderful ideas; but it is those ideas that are so
+dangerous. They make men extremely rich or extremely
+poor. They make or break men. I always feel people
+are happier who live a simple unsophisticated life. I
+believe <i>I</i> am happy because I am not ambitious.
+Somehow I feel that Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp,
+has become content to settle down and follow the footsteps of his
+father. This is a comfort.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXI</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Lupin is discharged. We are in great
+trouble. Lupin gets engaged elsewhere at a handsome
+salary.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 13.&mdash;A terrible misfortune
+has happened: Lupin is discharged from Mr. Perkupp&rsquo;s
+office; and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary. I
+was away from office last Sat., the first time I have been absent
+through illness for twenty years. I believe I was poisoned
+by some lobster. Mr. Perkupp was also absent, as Fate would
+have it; and our most valued customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went to
+the office in a rage, and withdrew his custom. My boy Lupin
+not only had the assurance to receive him, but recommended him
+the firm of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited. In my own
+humble judgment, and though I have to say it against my own son,
+this seems an act of treachery.</p>
+
+<p>This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me
+that Lupin&rsquo;s services are no longer required, and an
+interview with me is desired at eleven o&rsquo;clock. I
+went down to the office with an aching heart, dreading an
+interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never had a
+word. I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning. He had
+not got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie said I
+should do no good by disturbing him. My mind wandered so at
+the office that I could not do my work properly.</p>
+
+<p>As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the
+following conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Good-morning, Mr. Pooter! This
+is a very serious business. I am not referring so much to
+the dismissal of your son, for I knew we should have to part
+sooner or later. <i>I</i> am the head of this old,
+influential, and much-respected firm; and when <i>I</i> consider
+the time has come to revolutionise the business, <i>I</i> will do
+it myself.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said:
+&ldquo;I hope, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way
+countenanced my son&rsquo;s unwarrantable
+interference?&rdquo; Mr. Perkupp rose from his seat and
+took my hand, and said: &ldquo;Mr. Pooter, I would as soon
+suspect myself as suspect you.&rdquo; I was so agitated
+that in the confusion, to show my gratitude I very nearly called
+him a &ldquo;grand old man.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a
+&ldquo;grand old master.&rdquo; I was so unaccountable for
+my actions that I sat down, leaving him standing. Of
+course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp bade me sit down, which I
+was very pleased to do. Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said:
+&ldquo;You will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high-standing
+nature of our firm will not admit of our bending to
+anybody. If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to put his work into
+other hands&mdash;I may add, less experienced hands&mdash;it is
+not for us to bend and beg back his custom.&rdquo;
+&ldquo;You <i>shall</i> not do it, sir,&rdquo; I said with
+indignation. &ldquo;Exactly,&rdquo; replied Mr. Perkupp;
+&ldquo;I shall <i>not</i> do it. But I was thinking this,
+Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon is our most valued client, and I
+will even confess&mdash;for I know this will not go beyond
+ourselves&mdash;that we cannot afford very well to lose him,
+especially in these times, which are not of the brightest.
+Now, I fancy you can be of service.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I replied: &ldquo;Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to
+serve you!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;I know you will. Now, what I
+should like you to do is this. You yourself might write to
+Mr. Crowbillon&mdash;you must not, of course, lead him to suppose
+I know anything about your doing so&mdash;and explain to him that
+your son was only taken on as a clerk&mdash;quite an
+inexperienced one in fact&mdash;out of the respect the firm had
+for you, Mr. Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. I
+don&rsquo;t suggest that you should speak in too strong terms of
+your own son&rsquo;s conduct; but I may add, that had he been a
+son of mine, I should have condemned his interference with no
+measured terms. That I leave to you. I think the
+result will be that Mr. Crowbillon will see the force of the
+foolish step he has taken, and our firm will neither suffer in
+dignity nor in pocket.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp
+is. His manners and his way of speaking seem to almost
+thrill one with respect.</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Would you like to see the letter before I send
+it?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Oh no! I had better not.
+I am supposed to know nothing about it, and I have every
+confidence in you. You must write the letter
+carefully. We are not very busy; you had better take the
+morning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. I shall be
+here myself all day to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case Mr.
+Crowbillon should call.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah
+that I could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact
+anybody, if they called in the evening. Lupin came into the
+parlour for a moment with a new hat on, and asked my opinion of
+it. I said I was not in the mood to judge of hats, and I
+did not think he was in a position to buy a new one. Lupin
+replied carelessly: &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t buy it; it was a
+present.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely
+like to ask him questions, as I dread the answers so. He,
+however, saved me the trouble.</p>
+
+<p>He said: &ldquo;I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not
+quite think a friend at the time; but it&rsquo;s all right.
+As he wisely said, &lsquo;all is fair in love and war,&rsquo; and
+there was no reason why we should not be friends still.
+He&rsquo;s a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and a very
+different stamp from that inflated fool of a Perkupp.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult to
+injury.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;What do you mean by injury? I repeat,
+I have done no injury. Crowbillon is simply tired of a
+stagnant stick-in-the-mud firm, and made the change on his own
+account. I simply recommended the new firm as a matter of
+biz&mdash;good old biz!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said quietly: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t understand your slang,
+and at my time of life have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my
+boy, let us change the subject. I will, if it please you,
+<i>try</i> and be interested in your new hat
+adventure.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Oh! there&rsquo;s nothing much about it,
+except I have not once seen him since his marriage, and he said
+he was very pleased to see me, and hoped we should be
+friends. I stood a drink to cement the friendship, and he
+stood me a new hat&mdash;one of his own.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said rather wearily: &ldquo;But you have not told me your
+old friend&rsquo;s name?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said, with affected carelessness: &ldquo;Oh didn&rsquo;t
+I? Well, I will. It was <i>Murray
+Posh</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 14.&mdash;Lupin came down late,
+and seeing me at home all the morning, asked the reason of
+it. Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say nothing
+to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the
+question.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh
+in the City. I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with
+a berth. Lupin went out laughing, saying: &ldquo;I
+don&rsquo;t mind <i>wearing</i> Posh&rsquo;s one-priced hats, but
+I am not going to <i>sell</i> them.&rdquo; Poor boy, I fear
+he is perfectly hopeless.</p>
+
+<p>It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr.
+Crowbillon. Once or twice I asked Carrie for suggestions;
+and although it seems ungrateful, her suggestions were none of
+them to the point, while one or two were absolutely
+idiotic. Of course I did not tell her so. I got the
+letter off, and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp to
+see, but he again repeated that he could trust me.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him
+about Lupin and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite
+inclined to side with Lupin. Carrie joined in, and said she
+thought I was taking much too melancholy a view of it.
+Gowing produced a pint sample-bottle of Madeira, which had been
+given him, which he said would get rid of the blues. I dare
+say it would have done so if there had been more of it; but as
+Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it did not leave much for
+Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 15.&mdash;A day of great
+anxiety, for I expected every moment a letter from Mr.
+Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening&mdash;one for
+me, with &ldquo;Crowbillon Hall&rdquo; printed in large
+gold-and-red letters on the back of the envelope; the other for
+Lupin, which I felt inclined to open and read, as it had
+&ldquo;Gylterson, Sons, and Co. Limited,&rdquo; which was the
+recommended firm. I trembled as I opened Mr.
+Crowbillon&rsquo;s letter. I wrote him sixteen pages,
+closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen lines.</p>
+
+<p>His letter was: &ldquo;Sir,&mdash;I totally disagree with
+you. Your son, in the course of five minutes&rsquo;
+conversation, displayed more intelligence than your firm has done
+during the last five years.&mdash;Yours faithfully, Gilbert E.
+Gillam O. Crowbillon.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show
+to Mr. Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin for anything.
+The crisis had yet to come; for Lupin arrived, and, opening his
+letter, showed a cheque for &pound;25 as a commission for the
+recommendation of Mr. Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. Perkupp is
+evidently lost for ever. Cummings and Gowing both called,
+and both took Lupin&rsquo;s part. Cummings went so far as
+to say that Lupin would make a name yet. I suppose I was
+melancholy, for I could only ask: &ldquo;Yes, but what sort of a
+name?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 16.&mdash;I told Mr. Perkupp
+the contents of the letter in a modified form, but Mr. Perkupp
+said: &ldquo;Pray don&rsquo;t discuss the matter; it is at an
+end. Your son will bring his punishment upon
+himself.&rdquo; I went home in the evening, thinking of the
+hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in most extravagant
+spirits and in evening dress. He threw a letter on the
+table for me to read.</p>
+
+<p>To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely
+engaged Lupin at a salary of &pound;200 a year, with other
+advantages. I read the letter through three times and
+thought it must have been for me. But there it
+was&mdash;Lupin Pooter&mdash;plain enough. I was
+silent. Lupin said: &ldquo;What price Perkupp now?
+You take my tip, Guv.&mdash;&lsquo;off&rsquo; with Perkupp and
+freeze on to Gylterson, the firm of the future!
+Perkupp&rsquo;s firm? The stagnant dummies have been
+standing still for years, and now are moving back. I want
+to go on. In fact I must go <i>off</i>, as I am dining with
+the Murray Poshs to-night.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his
+stick, gave a loud war &ldquo;Whoo-oop,&rdquo; jumped over a
+chair, and took the liberty of rumpling my hair all over my
+forehead, and bounced out of the room, giving me no chance of
+reminding him of his age and the respect which was due to his
+parent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening, and
+positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting
+Lupin.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;I always said he would get on, and, take
+my word, he has more in his head than we three put
+together.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Carrie said: &ldquo;He is a second Hardfur Huttle.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXII</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs.
+James (of Sutton) visits us again and introduces &ldquo;Spiritual
+Séances.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 26, Sunday.&mdash;We went to
+Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea with Mr. and Mrs.
+James. I had no appetite, having dined well at two, and the
+entire evening was spoiled by little Percy&mdash;their only
+son&mdash;who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child.</p>
+
+<p>Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my
+shins. He hurt me once so much that the tears came into my
+eyes. I gently remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said:
+&ldquo;Please don&rsquo;t scold him; I do not believe in being
+too severe with young children. You spoil their
+character.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie
+tried to pacify him, he slapped her face.</p>
+
+<p>I was so annoyed, I said: &ldquo;That is not my idea of
+bringing up children, Mrs. James.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James said. &ldquo;People have different ideas of
+bringing up children&mdash;even your son Lupin is not the
+standard of perfection.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his
+lap. The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr.
+Mezzini, saying: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t like you&mdash;you&rsquo;ve
+got a dirty face.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by
+the wrist and said: &ldquo;Come here, dear, and listen to
+this.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch
+strike six.</p>
+
+<p>To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced
+it down upon the ground like one would a ball.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily
+get a new glass put in, and did not suppose the works were
+damaged.</p>
+
+<p>To show you how people&rsquo;s opinions differ, Carrie said
+the child was bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its
+looks, for it was&mdash;in her mind&mdash;an unquestionably
+beautiful child.</p>
+
+<p>I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier
+child myself. That is <i>my</i> opinion.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 30.&mdash;I don&rsquo;t know
+why it is, but I never anticipate with any pleasure the visits to
+our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton. She is coming again to
+stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as I
+was leaving: &ldquo;I wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. James
+better than I do.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Carrie said: &ldquo;So do I, dear; but as for years I have had
+to put up with Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who
+is kind but most uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won&rsquo;t
+mind the occasional visits of Mrs. James, who has more intellect
+in her little finger than both your friends have in their entire
+bodies.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear
+old friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the &rsquo;bus
+coming, I left with a hurried kiss&mdash;a little too hurried,
+perhaps, for my upper lip came in contact with Carrie&rsquo;s
+teeth and slightly cut it. It was quite painful for an hour
+afterwards. When I came home in the evening I found Carrie
+buried in a book on Spiritualism, called <i>There is no
+Birth</i>, by Florence Singleyet. I need scarcely say the
+book was sent her to read by Mrs. James, of Sutton. As she
+had not a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of the
+evening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning to show
+signs of wear at the edges.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the
+entire management of everything. Finding that she and
+Carrie were making some preparations for table-turning, I thought
+it time really to put my foot down. I have always had the
+greatest contempt for such nonsense, and put an end to it years
+ago when Carrie, at our old house, used to have séances
+every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who is now dead). If I
+could see any use in it, I would not care. As I stopped it
+in the days gone by, I determined to do so now.</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally
+disapprove of it, apart from the fact that I receive my old
+friends on this evening.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James said: &ldquo;Do you mean to say you haven&rsquo;t
+read <i>There is no Birth</i>?&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;No,
+and I have no intention of doing so.&rdquo; Mrs. James
+seemed surprised and said: &ldquo;All the world is going mad over
+the book.&rdquo; I responded rather cleverly: &ldquo;Let
+it. There will be one sane man in it, at all
+events.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people
+were all as prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the
+electric telegraph or the telephone.</p>
+
+<p>I said that was quite a different thing.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James said sharply: &ldquo;In what way, pray&mdash;in
+what way?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;In many ways.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James said: &ldquo;Well, mention <i>one</i>
+way.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I replied quietly: &ldquo;Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to
+discuss the matter. I am not interested in it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings,
+for which I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this
+foolish table-turning. But I was entirely mistaken; for, on
+the subject being opened again, Cummings said he was most
+interested in Spiritualism, although he was bound to confess he
+did not believe much in it; still, he was willing to be
+convinced.</p>
+
+<p>I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that
+my presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in the
+parlour at a small round table which they had taken out of the
+drawing-room. I walked into the hall with the ultimate
+intention of taking a little stroll. As I opened the door,
+who should come in but Gowing!</p>
+
+<p>On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join
+the circle and he would go into a trance. He added that he
+<i>knew</i> a few things about old Cummings, and would
+<i>invent</i> a few about Mrs. James. Knowing how dangerous
+Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in any such foolish
+performance. Sarah asked me if she could go out for half an
+hour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be more
+comfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the cold
+drawing-room. We talked a good deal about Lupin and Mr. and
+Mrs. Murray Posh, with whom he is as usual spending the
+evening. Gowing said: &ldquo;I say, it wouldn&rsquo;t be a
+bad thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very
+sternly for joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the
+night thinking of it&mdash;the other half was spent in nightmares
+on the same subject.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 31.&mdash;I wrote a stern
+letter to the laundress. I was rather pleased with the
+letter, for I thought it very satirical. I said: &ldquo;You
+have returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps
+you will return either the colour or the value of the
+handkerchiefs.&rdquo; I shall be rather curious to know
+what she will have to say.</p>
+
+<p>More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said last
+night was in a measure successful, and they ought to sit
+again. Cummings came in, and seemed interested. I had
+the gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the steps, and repaired
+the cornice, which has been a bit of an eyesore to me. In a
+fit of unthinkingness&mdash;if I may use such an
+expression,&mdash;I gave the floor over the parlour, where the
+séance was taking place, two loud raps with the
+hammer. I felt sorry afterwards, for it was the sort of
+ridiculous, foolhardy thing that Gowing or Lupin would have
+done.</p>
+
+<p>However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared
+that a message came through the table to her of a wonderful
+description, concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago,
+and who was quite unknown to the others.</p>
+
+<p>When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit
+to-morrow night, to oblige her. She said it seemed rather
+unkind and unsociable on my part. I promised I would sit
+once.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 1.&mdash;I sat reluctantly at
+the table in the evening, and I am bound to admit some curious
+things happened. I contend they were coincidences, but they
+were curious. For instance, the table kept tilting towards
+me, which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask the
+spirit a question. I obeyed the rules, and I asked the
+spirit (who said her name was Lina) if she could tell me the name
+of an old aunt of whom I was thinking, and whom we used to call
+Aunt Maggie. The table spelled out C A T. We could
+make nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that her
+second name was Catherine, which it was evidently trying to
+spell. I don&rsquo;t think even Carrie knew this. But
+if she did, she would never cheat. I must admit it was
+curious. Several other things happened, and I consented to
+sit at another séance on Monday.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 3.&mdash;The laundress called,
+and said she was very sorry about the handkerchiefs, and returned
+ninepence. I said, as the colour was completely washed out
+and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence was not
+enough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs
+originally only cost sixpence, for she remembered buying them at a
+sale at the Holloway <i>Bon Marché</i>. In that
+case, I insisted that threepence should be returned to the
+laundress. Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for a few
+days. I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it.
+Carrie said I was ridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Posh
+was very fond of Lupin, who, after all, was only a mere boy.</p>
+
+<p>In the evening we had another séance, which, in some
+respects, was very remarkable, although the first part of it was
+a little doubtful. Gowing called, as well as Cummings, and
+begged to be allowed to join the circle. I wanted to
+object, but Mrs. James, who appears a good Medium (that is, if
+there is anything in it at all), thought there might be a little
+more spirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of us sat
+down.</p>
+
+<p>The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get
+my hands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began
+moving quickly across the room. Gowing shouted out:
+&ldquo;Way oh! steady, lad, steady!&rdquo; I told Gowing if
+he could not behave himself I should light the gas, and put an
+end to the séance.</p>
+
+<p>To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I
+hinted as much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table
+go right off the ground. The spirit Lina came again, and
+said, &ldquo;WARN&rdquo; three or four times, and declined to
+explain. Mrs. James said &ldquo;Lina&rdquo; was stubborn
+sometimes. She often behaved like that, and the best thing
+to do was to send her away.</p>
+
+<p>She then hit the table sharply, and said: &ldquo;Go away,
+Lina; you are disagreeable. Go away!&rdquo; I should
+think we sat nearly three-quarters of an hour with nothing
+happening. My hands felt quite cold, and I suggested we
+should stop the séance. Carrie and Mrs. James, as
+well as Cummings, would not agree to it. In about ten
+minutes&rsquo; time there was some tilting towards me. I
+gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O F. As I have
+heard both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could hear
+Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the
+table. He denied it; but, I regret to say, I did not
+believe him.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;Perhaps it means &lsquo;Spook,&rsquo; a
+ghost.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;<i>You</i> know it doesn&rsquo;t mean anything
+of the sort.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;Oh! very well&mdash;I&rsquo;m sorry I
+&lsquo;spook,&rsquo;&rdquo; and he rose from the table.</p>
+
+<p>No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James
+suggested he should sit out for a while. Gowing consented
+and sat in the arm-chair.</p>
+
+<p>The table began to move again, and we might have had a
+wonderful séance but for Gowing&rsquo;s stupid
+interruptions. In answer to the alphabet from Carrie the
+table spelt &ldquo;NIPUL,&rdquo; then the &ldquo;WARN&rdquo;
+three times. We could not think what it meant till Cummings
+pointed out that &ldquo;NIPUL&rdquo; was Lupin spelled
+backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie was
+particularly excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible was
+going to happen.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James asked if &ldquo;Lina&rdquo; was the spirit.
+The table replied firmly, &ldquo;No,&rdquo; and the spirit would
+not give his or her name. We then had the message,
+&ldquo;NIPUL will be very rich.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word
+&ldquo;WARN&rdquo; was again spelt out. The table then
+began to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs. James, who
+spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell its
+name. It first spelled &ldquo;DRINK.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Gowing here said: &ldquo;Ah! that&rsquo;s more in my
+line.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be
+completed.</p>
+
+<p>The table then spelt &ldquo;WATER.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Gowing here interrupted again, and said: &ldquo;Ah!
+that&rsquo;s <i>not</i> in my line. <i>Outside</i> if you
+like, but not inside.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.</p>
+
+<p>The table then spelt &ldquo;CAPTAIN,&rdquo; and Mrs. James
+startled us by crying out, &ldquo;Captain Drinkwater, a very old
+friend of my father&rsquo;s, who has been dead some
+years.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that
+after all there must be something in Spiritualism.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the
+word &ldquo;Warn&rdquo; as applied to &ldquo;NIPUL.&rdquo;
+The alphabet was given again, and we got the word
+&ldquo;BOSH.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Gowing here muttered: &ldquo;So it is.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as
+Captain Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have
+used the word in answer to a lady&rsquo;s question.
+Accordingly the alphabet was given again.</p>
+
+<p>This time the table spelled distinctly
+&ldquo;POSH.&rdquo; We all thought of Mrs. Murray Posh and
+Lupin. Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as it
+was getting late we broke up the circle.</p>
+
+<p>We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs.
+James&rsquo; last night in town. We also determined
+<i>not</i> to have Gowing present.</p>
+
+<p>Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting,
+but he wished the spirits would say something about him.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 4.&mdash;Quite looking forward
+to the séance this evening. Was thinking of it all
+the day at the office.</p>
+
+<p>Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing
+entering without knocking.</p>
+
+<p>He said: &ldquo;I am not going to stop, but I have brought
+with me a sealed envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs.
+Pooter. In that sealed envelope is a strip of paper on
+which I have asked a simple question. If the spirits can
+answer that question, I will believe in Spiritualism.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James said: &ldquo;Oh no! it is of common occurrence for
+the spirits to answer questions under such conditions&mdash;and
+even for them to write on locked slates. It is quite worth
+trying. If &lsquo;Lina&rsquo; is in a good temper, she is
+certain to do it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;All right; then I shall be a firm
+believer. I shall perhaps drop in about half-past nine or
+ten, and hear the result.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to
+know something about some undertaking in which he was concerned,
+but he could get no answer of any description whatever&mdash;at
+which he said he was very disappointed and was afraid there was
+not much in table-turning after all. I thought this rather
+selfish of him. The séance was very similar to the
+one last night, almost the same in fact. So we turned to
+the letter. &ldquo;Lina&rdquo; took a long time answering
+the question, but eventually spelt out &ldquo;ROSES, LILIES, AND
+COWS.&rdquo; There was great rocking of the table at this
+time, and Mrs. James said: &ldquo;If that is Captain Drinkwater,
+let us ask him the answer as well?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave
+the same identical answer: &ldquo;ROSES, LILIES, AND
+COWS.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the
+seal, or the disappointment we felt on reading the question, to
+which the answer was so inappropriate. The question was,
+&ldquo;<i>What&rsquo;s old Pooter&rsquo;s age</i>?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>This quite decided me.</p>
+
+<p>As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I
+would again.</p>
+
+<p>I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm
+when driven to it.</p>
+
+<p>I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: &ldquo;This is the last
+of this nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof.
+I regret I permitted myself to be a party to such
+tomfoolery. If there is anything in it&mdash;which I
+doubt&mdash;it is nothing of any good, and I <i>won&rsquo;t have
+it again</i>. That is enough.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James said: &ldquo;I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather
+over-stepping&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Hush, madam. I am master of this
+house&mdash;please understand that.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was
+mistaken in. I was in such a rage I could not quite catch
+what she said. But if I thought she said what it sounded
+like, she should never enter the house again.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXIII</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new
+apartments, and hear some extraordinary information respecting
+the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. Meet Miss Lilian Posh.
+Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. Important.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 1.&mdash;I find, on looking
+over my diary, nothing of any consequence has taken place during
+the last month. To-day we lose Lupin, who has taken
+furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. and Mrs.
+Murray Posh, at two guineas a week. I think this is most
+extravagant of him, as it is half his salary. Lupin says
+one never loses by a good address, and, to use his own
+expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit &ldquo;off.&rdquo;
+Whether he means it is &ldquo;far off&rdquo; I do not know.
+I have long since given up trying to understand his curious
+expressions. I said the neighbourhood had always been good
+enough for his parents. His reply was: &ldquo;It is no
+question of being good or bad. There is no money in it, and
+I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by
+himself, and there may be some truth in his remark that an old
+and a young horse can&rsquo;t pull together in the same cart.</p>
+
+<p>Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful,
+and like old times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he
+occasionally suffered from what he could not
+help&mdash;youth.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 2.&mdash;Cummings called,
+looked very pale, and said he had been very ill again, and of
+course not a single friend had been near him. Carrie said
+she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy of the
+<i>Bicycle News</i> on the table, with the following paragraph:
+&ldquo;We regret to hear that that favourite old roadster, Mr.
+Cummings (&lsquo;Long&rsquo; Cummings), has met with what might
+have been a serious accident in Rye Lane. A mischievous boy
+threw a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and
+the machine overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily
+to the ground. Fortunately he was more frightened than
+hurt, but we missed his merry face at the dinner at Chingford,
+where they turned up in good numbers. &lsquo;Long&rsquo;
+Cummings&rsquo; health was proposed by our popular Vice, Mr.
+Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein said
+it was a case of &lsquo;<i>Cumming</i>(s) thro&rsquo; the
+<i>Rye</i>, but fortunately there was more <i>wheel</i> than
+<i>woe</i>,&rsquo; a joke which created roars of
+laughter.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay
+to supper. Cummings said it was like old times being
+without Lupin, and he was much better away.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 3, Sunday.&mdash;In the
+afternoon, as I was looking out of the parlour window, which was
+open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with a gentleman seated by
+the side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to be
+seen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back of it
+violently against the sharp edge of the window-sash. I was
+nearly stunned. There was a loud double-knock at the front
+door; Carrie rushed out of the parlour, upstairs to her room, and
+I followed, as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp. I thought
+it was Mr. Franching.&mdash;I whispered to Sarah over the
+banisters: &ldquo;Show them into the drawing-room.&rdquo;
+Sarah said, as the shutters were not opened, the room would smell
+musty. There was another loud rat-tat. I whispered:
+&ldquo;Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr. Pooter will
+be down directly.&rdquo; I changed my coat, but could not
+see to do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass.</p>
+
+<p>Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr.
+Lupin.</p>
+
+<p>This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and
+Lupin met me with the remark: &ldquo;I say, what did you run away
+from the window for? Did we frighten you?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I foolishly said: &ldquo;What window?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Oh, you know. Shut it. You
+looked as if you were playing at Punch and Judy.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said:
+&ldquo;Oh, I think Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can
+do with a B. and S.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I am afraid we have no soda.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t bother about that. You
+just trip out and hold the horse; I don&rsquo;t think Sarah
+understands it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin
+said: &ldquo;I want you both to come and dine with me next
+Wednesday, and see my new place. Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh,
+Miss Posh (Murray&rsquo;s sister) are coming. Eight
+o&rsquo;clock sharp. No one else.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would
+like the dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got
+home.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Rats! You must get used to it.
+If it comes to that, Daisy and I can drive you home.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the
+familiar way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is
+reprehensible. Anybody would think they had been children
+together. I certainly should object to a six months&rsquo;
+acquaintance calling <i>my</i> wife &ldquo;Carrie,&rdquo; and
+driving out with her.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 4.&mdash;Lupin&rsquo;s rooms
+looked very nice; but the dinner was, I thought, a little too
+grand, especially as he commenced with champagne straight
+off. I also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr.
+and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on full
+evening dress. Knowing that the dinner was only for us six,
+we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair. I had no
+appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight before we
+sat down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a hearty
+meal. I had a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling
+famished, and I expect that partly spoiled my appetite.</p>
+
+<p>We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called
+&ldquo;Lillie Girl,&rdquo; as if he had known her all his
+life. She was very tall, rather plain, and I thought she
+was a little painted round the eyes. I hope I am wrong; but
+she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were black.
+She looked about thirty. I did not like the way she kept
+giggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching him. Then her
+laugh was a sort of a scream that went right through my ears, all
+the more irritating because there was nothing to laugh at.
+In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with
+her. They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including
+Miss Posh, who startled Carrie by saying: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t you
+smoke, dear?&rdquo; I answered for Carrie, and said:
+&ldquo;Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet,&rdquo;
+whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat
+what I have said before&mdash;she does <i>not</i> sing in tune;
+but Lupin sat by the side of the piano, gazing into her eyes the
+whole time. If I had been Mr. Posh, I think I should have
+had something to say about it. Mr. Posh made himself very
+agreeable to us, and eventually sent us home in his carriage,
+which I thought most kind. He is evidently very rich, for
+Mrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery. She told Carrie
+her necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday present,
+alone cost &pound;300.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he
+would make rapid way in the world.</p>
+
+<p>I could not help thinking of the &pound;600 Mr. Posh lost over
+the <i>Parachikka Chlorates</i> through Lupin&rsquo;s advice.</p>
+
+<p>During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and
+expressed a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his
+means.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands.
+&ldquo;Posh&rsquo;s one-price hat&rdquo; was a household word in
+Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all the big towns
+throughout England. Lupin further informed me that Mr. Posh
+was opening branch establishments at New York, Sydney, and
+Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and
+Johannesburg.</p>
+
+<p>I said I was pleased to hear it.</p>
+
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Why, he has settled over &pound;10,000 on
+Daisy, and the same amount on &lsquo;Lillie Girl.&rsquo; If
+at any time I wanted a little capital, he would put up a couple
+of &lsquo;thou&rsquo; at a day&rsquo;s notice, and could buy up
+Perkupp&rsquo;s firm over his head at any moment with ready
+cash.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my
+life, I was inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money
+was <i>not</i> properly divided.</p>
+
+<p>On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom
+cab, which had been waiting for me for two hours with a
+letter. Sarah said she did not know what to do, as we had
+not left the address where we had gone. I trembled as I
+opened the letter, fearing it was some bad news about Mr.
+Perkupp. The note was: &ldquo;Dear Mr. Pooter,&mdash;Come
+down to the Victoria Hotel without delay. Important.
+Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman
+replied that it was <i>not</i>; for his instructions were, if I
+happened to be out, he was to wait till I came home. I felt
+very tired, and really wanted to go to bed. I reached the
+hotel at a quarter before midnight. I apologised for being
+so late, but Mr. Huttle said: &ldquo;Not at all; come and have a
+few oysters.&rdquo; I feel my heart beating as I write
+these words. To be brief, Mr. Huttle said he had a rich
+American friend who wanted to do something large in our line of
+business, and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to
+him. We talked over the matter. If, by any happy
+chance, the result be successful, I can more than compensate my
+dear master for the loss of Mr. Crowbillon&rsquo;s custom.
+Mr. Huttle had previously said: &ldquo;The glorious
+&lsquo;Fourth&rsquo; is a lucky day for America, and, as it has
+not yet struck twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of the
+best wine to be had in the place, and drink good luck to our bit
+of business.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.</p>
+
+<p>It was two o&rsquo;clock when I got home. Although I was
+so tired, I could not sleep except for short intervals&mdash;then
+only to dream.</p>
+
+<p>I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. The
+latter was in a lovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkupp
+was waiting in the room. Mr. Huttle kept taking off this
+crown and handing it to me, and calling me
+&ldquo;President.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept
+asking Mr. Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master.
+Mr. Huttle kept saying: &ldquo;No, this is the White House of
+Washington, and you must keep your crown, Mr.
+President.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and
+then I woke up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing
+over and over again.</p>
+<h2>CHAPTER THE LAST</h2>
+<p class="gutsumm">One of the happiest days of my life.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 10.&mdash;The excitement and
+anxiety through which I have gone the last few days have been
+almost enough to turn my hair grey. It is all but
+settled. To-morrow the die will be cast. I have
+written a long letter to Lupin&mdash;feeling it my duty to do
+so,&mdash;regarding his attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove up
+to our house again last night.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 11.&mdash;I find my eyes
+filling with tears as I pen the note of my interview this morning
+with Mr. Perkupp. Addressing me, he said: &ldquo;My
+faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you
+have done our firm. You can never be sufficiently
+thanked. Let us change the subject. Do you like your
+house, and are you happy where you are?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I replied: &ldquo;Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the
+neighbourhood, and could not bear to leave it.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: &ldquo;Mr. Pooter, I will
+purchase the freehold of that house, and present it to the most
+honest and most worthy man it has ever been my lot to
+meet.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be
+spared many years to enjoy it. My heart was too full to
+thank him; and, seeing my embarrassment, the good fellow said:
+&ldquo;You need say nothing, Mr. Pooter,&rdquo; and left the
+office.</p>
+
+<p>I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I
+have never done before), and asked the two latter to come round
+to supper.</p>
+
+<p>On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent
+Sarah round to the grocer&rsquo;s to get two bottles of
+&ldquo;Jackson Frères.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post
+brought a letter from Lupin in reply to mine. I read it
+aloud to them all. It ran: &ldquo;My dear old
+Guv.,&mdash;Keep your hair on. You are on the wrong tack
+again. I am engaged to be married to &lsquo;Lillie
+Girl.&rsquo; I did not mention it last Thursday, as it was
+not definitely settled. We shall be married in August, and
+amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing and
+Cummings. With much love to all, from <i>The same old
+Lupin</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Diary of a Nobody, by George Grossmith
+
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: The Diary of a Nobody
+
+Author: George Grossmith and Weedon Grossmith
+
+Release Date: August, 1997  [EBook #1026]
+[This file was first posted on June 27, 1997]
+[Most recently updated: May 23, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE DIARY OF A NOBODY ***
+
+
+
+
+Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
+
+
+
+The Diary of a Nobody
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER
+
+
+
+Why should I not publish my diary?  I have often seen reminiscences
+of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see--because I
+do not happen to be a 'Somebody'--why my diary should not be
+interesting.  My only regret is that I did not commence it when I
+was a youth.
+
+Charles Pooter
+The Laurels,
+Brickfield Terrace
+Holloway.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+
+We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary.
+Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the scraper.  The Curate calls
+and pays me a great compliment.
+
+
+My clear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house,
+"The Laurels," Brickfield Terrace, Holloway--a nice six-roomed
+residence, not counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour.
+We have a little front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps
+up to the front door, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the
+chain up.  Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always
+come to the little side entrance, which saves the servant the
+trouble of going up to the front door, thereby taking her from her
+work.  We have a nice little back garden which runs down to the
+railway.  We were rather afraid of the noise of the trains at
+first, but the landlord said we should not notice them after a bit,
+and took 2 pounds off the rent.  He was certainly right; and beyond
+the cracking of the garden wall at the bottom, we have suffered no
+inconvenience.
+
+After my work in the City, I like to be at home.  What's the good
+of a home, if you are never in it?  "Home, Sweet Home," that's my
+motto.  I am always in of an evening.  Our old friend Gowing may
+drop in without ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite.  My
+dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them, if they like to
+drop in on us.  But Carrie and I can manage to pass our evenings
+together without friends.  There is always something to be done:  a
+tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put straight, a fan to nail up,
+or part of a carpet to nail down--all of which I can do with my
+pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not above putting a button on a
+shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the "Sylvia Gavotte" on
+our new cottage piano (on the three years' system), manufactured by
+W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard (in very
+large letters).  It is also a great comfort to us to know that our
+boy Willie is getting on so well in the Bank at Oldham.  We should
+like to see more of him.  Now for my diary:-
+
+
+April 3.--Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson,
+the ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools.
+By-the-by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and
+the bells must be seen to.  The parlour bell is broken, and the
+front door rings up in the servant's bedroom, which is ridiculous.
+Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but wouldn't stay, saying there was
+an infernal smell of paint.
+
+April 4.  Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to
+deal with Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean
+shop.  Ordered a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a
+trial.  Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a
+pound of fresh butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for
+kitchen, and a shilling's worth of eggs.  In the evening, Cummings
+unexpectedly dropped in to show me a meerschaum pipe he had won in
+a raffle in the City, and told me to handle it carefully, as it
+would spoil the colouring if the hand was moist.  He said he
+wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for the smell of the paint,
+and fell over the scraper as he went out.  Must get the scraper
+removed, or else I shall get into a SCRAPE.  I don't often make
+jokes.
+
+April 5.--Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged
+with another butcher without consulting me.  Gowing called, and
+fell over scraper coming in.  MUST get that scraper removed.
+
+April 6.--Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back to
+Borset with my compliments, and he needn't call any more for
+orders.  Couldn't find umbrella, and though it was pouring with
+rain, had to go without it.  Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took
+it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the 'all that
+didn't belong to nobody.  In the evening, hearing someone talking
+in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs hall, I went out
+to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was Borset, the
+butterman, who was both drunk and offensive.  Borset, on seeing me,
+said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any
+more--the game wasn't worth the candle.  I restrained my feelings,
+and quietly remarked that I thought it was POSSIBLE for a city
+clerk to be a GENTLEMAN.  He replied he was very glad to hear it,
+and wanted to know whether I had ever come across one, for HE
+hadn't.  He left the house, slamming the door after him, which
+nearly broke the fanlight; and I heard him fall over the scraper,
+which made me feel glad I hadn't removed it.  When he had gone, I
+thought of a splendid answer I ought to have given him.  However, I
+will keep it for another occasion.
+
+April 7.--Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, and
+putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the
+office were absent through illness, and I did not get home till
+seven.  Found Borset waiting.  He had been three times during the
+day to apologise for his conduct last night.  He said he was unable
+to take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last night
+instead.  He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of fresh
+butter.  He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow; so I gave
+him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request that on this
+occasion they SHOULD be fresh.  I am afraid we shall have to get
+some new stair-carpets after all; our old ones are not quite wide
+enough to meet the paint on either side.  Carrie suggests that we
+might ourselves broaden the paint.  I will see if we can match the
+colour (dark chocolate) on Monday.
+
+April 8, Sunday.--After Church, the Curate came back with us.  I
+sent Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on
+special occasions.  She could not get it open, and after all my
+display, I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not
+catch,) round the side entrance.  He caught his foot in the
+scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers.  Most annoying, as
+Carrie could not well offer to repair them on a Sunday.  After
+dinner, went to sleep.  Took a walk round the garden, and
+discovered a beautiful spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and
+radishes.  Went to Church again in the evening:  walked back with
+the Curate.  Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of
+trousers, only repaired.  He wants me to take round the plate,
+which I think a great compliment.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+
+Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome.  Gowing rather
+tiresome with his complaints of the paint.  I make one of the best
+jokes of my life.  Delights of Gardening.  Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing,
+Cummings, and I have a little misunderstanding.  Sarah makes me
+look a fool before Cummings
+
+
+April 9.--Commenced the morning badly.  The butcher, whom we
+decided NOT to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most
+uncalled-for manner.  He began by abusing me, and saying he did not
+want my custom.  I simply said:  "Then what are you making all this
+fuss about it for?"  And he shouted out at the top of his voice, so
+that all the neighbours could hear:  "Pah! go along.  Ugh!  I could
+buy up 'things' like you by the dozen!"
+
+I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this
+disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent
+kicking at the door, enough to break the panels.  It was the
+blackguard butcher again, who said he had cut his foot over the
+scraper, and would immediately bring an action against me.  Called
+at Farmerson's, the ironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the
+job of moving the scraper and repairing the bells, thinking it
+scarcely worth while to trouble the landlord with such a trifling
+matter.
+
+Arrived home tired and worried.  Mr. Putley, a painter and
+decorator, who had sent in a card, said he could not match the
+colour on the stairs, as it contained Indian carmine.  He said he
+spent half-a-day calling at warehouses to see if he could get it.
+He suggested he should entirely repaint the stairs.  It would cost
+very little more; if he tried to match it, he could only make a bad
+job of it.  It would be more satisfactory to him and to us to have
+the work done properly.  I consented, but felt I had been talked
+over.  Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and went to bed
+at nine.
+
+April 10.--Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself.
+He seems a very civil fellow.  He says he does not usually conduct
+such small jobs personally, but for me he would do so.  I thanked
+him, and went to town.  It is disgraceful how late some of the
+young clerks are at arriving.  I told three of them that if Mr.
+Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be discharged.
+
+Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks,
+told me "to keep my hair on!"  I informed him I had had the honour
+of being in the firm twenty years, to which he insolently replied
+that I "looked it."  I gave him an indignant look, and said:  "I
+demand from you some respect, sir."  He replied:  "All right, go on
+demanding."  I would not argue with him any further.  You cannot
+argue with people like that.  In the evening Gowing called, and
+repeated his complaint about the smell of paint.  Gowing is
+sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and not always cautious;
+and Carrie once very properly reminded him that she was present.
+
+April 11.--Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet.  To-day
+was a day of annoyances.  I missed the quarter-to-nine 'bus to the
+City, through having words with the grocer's boy, who for the
+second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall-
+door, and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the fresh-
+cleaned door-steps.  He said he had knocked at the side door with
+his knuckles for a quarter of an hour.  I knew Sarah, our servant,
+could not hear this, as she was upstairs doing the bedrooms, so
+asked the boy why he did not ring the bell?  He replied that he did
+pull the bell, but the handle came off in his hand.
+
+I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never
+happened to me before.  There has recently been much irregularity
+in the attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal,
+unfortunately choose this very morning to pounce down upon us
+early.  Someone had given the tip to the others.  The result was
+that I was the only one late of the lot.  Buckling, one of the
+senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his intervention.
+As I passed by Pitt's desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour:
+"How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!"  This was,
+of course, meant for me.  I treated the observation with silence,
+simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of
+making both of the clerks laugh.  Thought afterwards it would have
+been more dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at
+all.  Cummings called in the evening, and we played dominoes.
+
+April 12.--Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet.  Left
+Farmerson repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three
+men working.  I asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in
+making a fresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe.  He said it was
+a most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it
+evidently knew nothing about his business.  I felt his excuse was
+no consolation for the expense I shall be put to.
+
+In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke
+together in the breakfast-parlour.  Carrie joined us later, but did
+not stay long, saying the smoke was too much for her.  It was also
+rather too much for me, for Gowing had given me what he called a
+green cigar, one that his friend Shoemach had just brought over
+from America.  The cigar didn't look green, but I fancy I must have
+done so; for when I had smoked a little more than half I was
+obliged to retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the
+glasses.
+
+I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the
+need of fresh air.  On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking:
+offered me another cigar, which I politely declined.  Gowing began
+his usual sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said:  "You're not
+going to complain of the smell of paint again?"  He said:  "No, not
+this time; but I'll tell you what, I distinctly smell dry rot."  I
+don't often make jokes, but I replied:  "You're talking a lot of
+DRY ROT yourself."  I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie
+said her sides quite ached with laughter.  I never was so immensely
+tickled by anything I have ever said before.  I actually woke up
+twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.
+
+April 13.--An extraordinary coincidence:  Carrie had called in a
+woman to make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and
+sofa to prevent the sun fading the green rep of the furniture.  I
+saw the woman, and recognised her as a woman who used to work years
+ago for my old aunt at Clapham.  It only shows how small the world
+is.
+
+April 14.--Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having
+this morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital
+little book, in good condition, on GARDENING.  I procured and sowed
+some half-hardy annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny
+border.  I thought of a joke, and called out Carrie.  Carrie came
+out rather testy, I thought.  I said:  "I have just discovered we
+have got a lodging-house."  She replied:  "How do you mean?"  I
+said:  "Look at the BOARDERS."  Carrie said:  "Is that all you
+wanted me for?"  I said:  "Any other time you would have laughed at
+my little pleasantry."  Carrie said:  "Certainly--AT ANY OTHER
+TIME, but not when I am busy in the house."  The stairs looked very
+nice.  Gowing called, and said the stairs looked ALL RIGHT, but it
+made the banisters look ALL WRONG, and suggested a coat of paint on
+them also, which Carrie quite agreed with.  I walked round to
+Putley, and fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let
+the banisters slide.  By-the-by, that is rather funny.
+
+April 15, Sunday.--At three o'clock Cummings and Gowing called for
+a good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them
+a friend named Stillbrook.  We walked and chatted together, except
+Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the
+ground and cutting at the grass with his stick.
+
+As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and
+Gowing suggested that we should make for "The Cow and Hedge" and
+get some tea.  Stillbrook said:  "A brandy-and-soda was good enough
+for him."  I reminded them that all public-houses were closed till
+six o'clock.  Stillbrook said, "That's all right--bona-fide
+travellers."
+
+We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the
+gate said:  "Where from?"  I replied:  "Holloway."  He immediately
+put up his arm, and declined to let me pass.  I turned back for a
+moment, when I saw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and
+Gowing, make for the entrance.  I watched them, and thought I would
+have a good laugh at their expense, I heard the porter say:  "Where
+from?"  When, to my surprise, in fact disgust, Stillbrook replied:
+"Blackheath," and the three were immediately admitted.
+
+Gowing called to me across the gate, and said:  "We shan't be a
+minute."  I waited for them the best part of an hour.  When they
+appeared they were all in most excellent spirits, and the only one
+who made an effort to apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me:
+"It was very rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another
+spin for S. and B.'s."  I walked home in silence; I couldn't speak
+to them.  I felt very dull all the evening, but deemed it advisable
+NOT to say anything to Carrie about the matter.
+
+April 16.--After business, set to work in the garden.  When it got
+dark I wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a
+wonder; perhaps they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday's
+adventure at "The Cow and Hedge."  Afterwards made up my mind not
+to write YET.
+
+April 17.--Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and
+Cummings about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr.
+Stillbrook.  Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the
+letters and determined not to WRITE at all, but to SPEAK quietly to
+them.  Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter from Cummings, saying
+that both he and Gowing had been waiting for an explanation of MY
+(mind you, MY) extraordinary conduct coming home on Sunday.  At
+last I wrote:  "I thought I was the aggrieved party; but as I
+freely forgive you, you--feeling yourself aggrieved--should bestow
+forgiveness on me."  I have copied this verbatim in the diary,
+because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful
+sentences I have ever written.  I posted the letter, but in my own
+heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted.
+
+April 18.--Am in for a cold.  Spent the whole day at the office
+sneezing.  In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah
+out for a bottle of Kinahan.  Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and
+woke with the shivers.  Was startled by a loud knock at the front
+door.  Carrie awfully flurried.  Sarah still out, so went up,
+opened the door, and found it was only Cummings.  Remembered the
+grocer's boy had again broken the side-bell.  Cummings squeezed my
+hand, and said:  "I've just seen Gowing.  All right.  Say no more
+about it."  There is no doubt they are both under the impression I
+have apologised.
+
+While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said:  "By-
+the-by, do you want any wine or spirits?  My cousin Merton has just
+set up in the trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in
+bottle, at thirty-eight shillings.  It is worth your while laying
+down a few dozen of it."  I told him my cellars, which were very
+small, were full up.  To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah
+entered the room, and putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a
+dirty piece of newspaper, on the table in front of us, said:
+"Please, sir, the grocer says he ain't got no more Kinahan, but
+you'll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned
+on the bottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has
+some at one-and-three, as dry as a nut!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+
+A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society.  Mr. and Mrs. James, of
+Sutton, come up.  A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre.
+Experiments with enamel paint.  I make another good joke; but
+Gowing and Cummings are unnecessarily offended.  I paint the bath
+red, with unexpected result.
+
+
+April 19.--Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton,
+who is in the wine trade.  Gowing also called.  Mr. Merton made
+himself at home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him
+immediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.
+
+He leaned back in his chair and said:  "You must take me as I am;"
+and I replied:  "Yes--and you must take us as we are.  We're homely
+people, we are not swells."
+
+He answered:  "No, I can see that," and Gowing roared with
+laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing:
+"I don't think you quite understand me.  I intended to convey that
+our charming host and hostess were superior to the follies of
+fashion, and preferred leading a simple and wholesome life to
+gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drinking afternoons, and
+living above their incomes."
+
+I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton's,
+and concluded that subject by saying:  "No, candidly, Mr. Merton,
+we don't go into Society, because we do not care for it; and what
+with the expense of cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and
+white ties, etc., it doesn't seem worth the money."
+
+Merton said in reference to FRIENDS:  "My motto is 'Few and True;'
+and, by the way, I also apply that to wine, 'Little and Good.'"
+Gowing said:  "Yes, and sometimes 'cheap and tasty,' eh, old man?"
+Merton, still continuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and
+put me down for a dozen of his "Lockanbar" whisky, and as I was an
+old friend of Gowing, I should have it for 36s., which was
+considerably under what he paid for it.
+
+He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted
+any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood
+good for any theatre in London.
+
+April 20.--Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, Annie
+Fullers (now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton
+for a few days, it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and
+would I drop a line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four,
+either for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum.  I wrote
+Merton to that effect.
+
+April 21.--Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and
+just at present couldn't manage passes for the Italian Opera,
+Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London
+was the Brown Bushes, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed
+seats for four; also bill for whisky.
+
+April 23.--Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to meat
+tea, and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre.  We got a
+'bus that took us to King's Cross, and then changed into one that
+took us to the "Angel."  Mr. James each time insisted on paying for
+all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and that was quite
+enough.
+
+We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our 'bus-load
+except an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in.  I walked
+ahead and presented the tickets.  The man looked at them, and
+called out:  "Mr. Willowly! do you know anything about these?"
+holding up my tickets.  The gentleman called to, came up and
+examined my tickets, and said:  "Who gave you these?"  I said,
+rather indignantly:  "Mr. Merton, of course."  He said:  "Merton?
+Who's he?"  I answered, rather sharply:  "You ought to know, his
+name's good at any theatre in London."  He replied:  "Oh! is it?
+Well, it ain't no good here.  These tickets, which are not dated,
+were issued under Mr. Swinstead's management, which has since
+changed hands."  While I was having some very unpleasant words with
+the man, James, who had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out:
+"Come on!"  I went up after them, and a very civil attendant said:
+"This way, please, box H."  I said to James:  "Why, how on earth
+did you manage it?" and to my horror he replied:  "Why, paid for it
+of course."
+
+This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play,
+but I was doomed to still further humiliation.  I was leaning out
+of the box, when my tie--a little black bow which fastened on to
+the stud by means of a new patent--fell into the pit below.  A
+clumsy man not noticing it, had his foot on it for ever so long
+before he discovered it.  He then picked it up and eventually flung
+it under the next seat in disgust.  What with the box incident and
+the tie, I felt quite miserable.  Mr. James, of Sutton, was very
+good.  He said:  "Don't worry--no one will notice it with your
+beard.  That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see."
+There was no occasion for that remark, for Carrie is very proud of
+my beard.
+
+To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest
+of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck.
+
+April 24.--Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having
+brought up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre
+last night, and his having paid for a private box because our order
+was not honoured, and such a poor play too.  I wrote a very
+satirical letter to Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the
+pass, and said, "Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did
+our best to appreciate the performance."  I thought this line
+rather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p's there were in
+appreciate, and she said, "One."  After I sent off the letter I
+looked at the dictionary and found there were two.  Awfully vexed
+at this.
+
+Decided not to worry myself any more about the James's; for, as
+Carrie wisely said, "We'll make it all right with them by asking
+them up from Sutton one evening next week to play at Bezique."
+
+April 25.--In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was
+working wonders with the new Pinkford's enamel paint, I determined
+to try it.  I bought two tins of red on my way home.  I hastened
+through tea, went into the garden and painted some flower-pots.  I
+called out Carrie, who said:  "You've always got some newfangled
+craze;" but she was obliged to admit that the flower-pots looked
+remarkably well.  Went upstairs into the servant's bedroom and
+painted her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of drawers.  To my
+mind it was an extraordinary improvement, but as an example of the
+ignorance of the lower classes in the matter of taste, our servant,
+Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said
+"she thought they looked very well as they was before."
+
+April 26.--Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind, being
+the best colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of
+our Shakspeare, the binding of which had almost worn out.
+
+April 27.--Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the result.
+Sorry to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words about it.
+She said I ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of
+such a thing as a bath being painted red.  I replied:  "It's merely
+a matter of taste."
+
+Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice
+saying, "May I come in?"  It was only Cummings, who said, "Your
+maid opened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as
+she was wringing out some socks."  I was delighted to see him, and
+suggested we should have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way
+of merriment said:  "You can be the dummy."  Cummings (I thought
+rather ill-naturedly) replied:  "Funny as usual."  He said he
+couldn't stop, he only called to leave me the Bicycle News, as he
+had done with it.
+
+Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he "must
+apologise for coming so often, and that one of these days we must
+come round to HIM."  I said:  "A very extraordinary thing has
+struck me."  "Something funny, as usual," said Cummings.  "Yes," I
+replied; "I think even you will say so this time.  It's concerning
+you both; for doesn't it seem odd that Gowing's always coming and
+Cummings' always going?"  Carrie, who had evidently quite forgotten
+about the bath, went into fits of laughter, and as for myself, I
+fairly doubled up in my chair, till it cracked beneath me.  I think
+this was one of the best jokes I have ever made.
+
+Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing
+perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces.  After rather
+an unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed
+it up again and said:  "Yes--I think, after that, I SHALL be going,
+and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes."  Gowing said
+he didn't mind a joke when it wasn't rude, but a pun on a name, to
+his thinking, was certainly a little wanting in good taste.
+Cummings followed it up by saying, if it had been said by anyone
+else but myself, he shouldn't have entered the house again.  This
+rather unpleasantly terminated what might have been a cheerful
+evening.  However, it was as well they went, for the charwoman had
+finished up the remains of the cold pork.
+
+April 28.--At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, who
+was very impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again.  I told
+him it would be my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal.  To
+my surprise, Pitt apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly
+fashion.  I was unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in
+his manner towards me, and told him I would look over his
+unpunctuality.  Passing down the room an hour later.  I received a
+smart smack in the face from a rolled-up ball of hard foolscap.  I
+turned round sharply, but all the clerks were apparently riveted to
+their work.  I am not a rich man, but I would give half-a-sovereign
+to know whether that was thrown by accident or design.  Went home
+early and bought some more enamel paint--black this time--and spent
+the evening touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair
+of boots, making them look as good as new.  Also painted Gowing's
+walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it look like ebony.
+
+April 29, Sunday.--Woke up with a fearful headache and strong
+symptoms of a cold.  Carrie, with a perversity which is just like
+her, said it was "painter's colic," and was the result of my having
+spent the last few days with my nose over a paint-pot.  I told her
+firmly that I knew a great deal better what was the matter with me
+than she did.  I had got a chill, and decided to have a bath as hot
+as I could bear it.  Bath ready--could scarcely bear it so hot.  I
+persevered, and got in; very hot, but very acceptable.  I lay still
+for some time.
+
+On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced the
+greatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for
+imagine my horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of
+blood.  My first thought was that I had ruptured an artery, and was
+bleeding to death, and should be discovered, later on, looking like
+a second Marat, as I remember seeing him in Madame Tussaud's.  My
+second thought was to ring the bell, but remembered there was no
+bell to ring.  My third was, that there was nothing but the enamel
+paint, which had dissolved with boiling water.  I stepped out of
+the bath, perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I have
+seen depicted at an East-End theatre.  I determined not to say a
+word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and paint
+the bath white.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+
+The ball at the Mansion House.
+
+
+April 30.--Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for
+Carrie and myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion
+House, to "meet the Representatives of Trades and Commerce."  My
+heart beat like that of a schoolboy's.  Carrie and I read the
+invitation over two or three times.  I could scarcely eat my
+breakfast.  I said--and I felt it from the bottom of my heart,--
+"Carrie darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the aisle of
+the church on our wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if not
+surpassed, when I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady
+Mayoress at the Mansion House."  I saw the tears in Carrie's eyes,
+and she said:  "Charlie dear, it is _I_ who have to be proud of
+you.  And I am very, very proud of you.  You have called me pretty;
+and as long as I am pretty in your eyes, I am happy.  You, dear old
+Charlie, are not handsome, but you are GOOD, which is far more
+noble."  I gave her a kiss, and she said:  "I wonder if there will
+be any dancing?  I have not danced with you for years."
+
+I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the
+waist, and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of
+polka when Sarah entered, grinning, and said:  "There is a man,
+mum, at the door who wants to know if you want any good coals."
+Most annoyed at this.  Spent the evening in answering, and tearing
+up again, the reply to the Mansion House, having left word with
+Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called we were not at home.  Must
+consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor's invitation.
+
+May 1.--Carrie said:  "I should like to send mother the invitation
+to look at."  I consented, as soon as I had answered it.  I told
+Mr. Perkupp, at the office, with a feeling of pride, that we had
+received an invitation to the Mansion House; and he said, to my
+astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lord Mayor's
+secretary.  I felt this rather discounted the value of the
+invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply to me, he described how
+I was to answer it.  I felt the reply was too simple; but of course
+Mr. Perkupp knows best.
+
+May 2.--Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor's
+round the corner, to have the creases taken out.  Told Gowing not
+to call next Monday, as we were going to the Mansion House.  Sent
+similar note to Cummings.
+
+May 3.--Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about her
+dress for next Monday.  While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one
+of our head clerks, about the Mansion House, he said:  "Oh, I'm
+asked, but don't think I shall go."  When a vulgar man like Spotch
+is asked, I feel my invitation is considerably discounted.  In the
+evening, while I was out, the little tailor brought round my coat
+and trousers, and because Sarah had not a shilling to pay for the
+pressing, he took them away again.
+
+May 4.--Carrie's mother returned the Lord Mayor's invitation, which
+was sent to her to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass
+of port over it.  I was too angry to say anything.
+
+May 5.--Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and
+two white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying.
+
+May 6, Sunday.--A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to say,
+I twice thought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow.
+
+May 7.--A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor's reception.
+The whole house upset.  I had to get dressed at half-past six, as
+Carrie wanted the room to herself.  Mrs. James had come up from
+Sutton to help Carrie; so I could not help thinking it unreasonable
+that she should require the entire attention of Sarah, the servant,
+as well.  Sarah kept running out of the house to fetch "something
+for missis," and several times I had, in my full evening-dress, to
+answer the back-door.
+
+The last time it was the greengrocer's boy, who, not seeing it was
+me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two
+cabbages and half-a-dozen coal-blocks.  I indignantly threw them on
+the ground, and felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to
+box the boy's ears.  He went away crying, and said he should
+summons me, a thing I would not have happen for the world.  In the
+dark, I stepped on a piece of the cabbage, which brought me down on
+the flags all of a heap.  For a moment I was stunned, but when I
+recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking
+into the chimney-glass discovered that my chin was bleeding, my
+shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at the
+knee.
+
+However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed
+in the drawing-room.  I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin,
+and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the knee.  At nine
+o'clock Carrie swept into the room, looking like a queen.  Never
+have I seen her look so lovely, or so distinguished.  She was
+wearing a satin dress of sky-blue--my favourite colour--and a piece
+of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders, to give a
+finish.  I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long behind,
+and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it was a la
+mode.  Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of ivory
+with red feathers, the value of which, she said, was priceless, as
+the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle--a bird now extinct.  I
+preferred the little white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-
+six at Shoolbred's, but both ladies sat on me at once.
+
+We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather
+fortunate, for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship,
+who graciously condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I
+must say I was disappointed to find he did not even know Mr.
+Perkupp, our principal.
+
+I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who
+did not know the Lord Mayor himself.  Crowds arrived, and I shall
+never forget the grand sight.  My humble pen can never describe it.
+I was a little annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying:  "Isn't it a
+pity we don't know anybody?"
+
+Once she quite lost her head.  I saw someone who looked like
+Franching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized
+me by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly:  "Don't leave me,"
+which caused an elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain
+round him, and two ladies, to burst out laughing.  There was an
+immense crowd in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid
+supper--any amount of champagne.
+
+Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I
+sometimes think she is not strong.  There was scarcely a dish she
+did not taste.  I was so thirsty, I could not eat much.  Receiving
+a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw
+Farmerson, our ironmonger.  He said, in the most familiar way:
+"This is better than Brickfield Terrace, eh?"  I simply looked at
+him, and said coolly:  "I never expected to see you here."  He
+said, with a loud, coarse laugh:  "I like that--if YOU, why not
+ME?"  I replied:  "Certainly," I wish I could have thought of
+something better to say.  He said:  "Can I get your good lady
+anything?"  Carrie said:  "No, I thank you," for which I was
+pleased.  I said, by way of reproof to him:  "You never sent to-day
+to paint the bath, as I requested."  Farmerson said:  "Pardon me,
+Mr. Pooter, no shop when we're in company, please."
+
+Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court
+costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old
+friend, and asked him to dine with him at his lodge.  I was
+astonished.  For full five minutes they stood roaring with
+laughter, and stood digging each other in the ribs.  They kept
+telling each other they didn't look a day older.  They began
+embracing each other and drinking champagne.
+
+To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member of
+our aristocracy!  I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson
+seized me rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff,
+said:  "Let me introduce my neighbour, Pooter."  He did not even
+say "Mister."  The sheriff handed me a glass of champagne.  I felt,
+after all, it was a great honour to drink a glass of wine with him,
+and I told him so.  We stood chatting for some time, and at last I
+said:  "You must excuse me now if I join Mrs. Pooter."  When I
+approached her, she said:  "Don't let me take you away from
+friends.  I am quite happy standing here alone in a crowd, knowing
+nobody!"
+
+As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time
+nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said:  "I hope
+my darling little wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of
+saying we had danced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord
+Mayor."  Finding the dancing after supper was less formal, and
+knowing how much Carrie used to admire my dancing in the days gone
+by, I put my arm round her waist and we commenced a waltz.
+
+A most unfortunate accident occurred.  I had got on a new pair of
+boots.  Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie's advice; namely,
+to scratch the soles of them with the points of the scissors or to
+put a little wet on them.  I had scarcely started when, like
+lightning, my left foot slipped away and I came down, the side of
+my head striking the floor with such violence that for a second or
+two I did not know what had happened.  I needly hardly say that
+Carrie fell with me with equal violence, breaking the comb in her
+hair and grazing her elbow.
+
+There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when
+people found that we had really hurt ourselves.  A gentleman
+assisted Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly
+on the danger of having a plain polished floor with no carpet or
+drugget to prevent people slipping.  The gentleman, who said his
+name was Darwitts, insisted on escorting Carrie to have a glass of
+wine, an invitation which I was pleased to allow Carrie to accept.
+
+I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud
+voice "Oh, are you the one who went down?"
+
+I answered with an indignant look.
+
+With execrable taste, he said:  "Look here, old man, we are too old
+for this game.  We must leave these capers to the youngsters.  Come
+and have another glass, that is more in our line."
+
+Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed
+the others into the supper-room.
+
+Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined
+to stay longer.  As we were departing, Farmerson said:  "Are you
+going? if so, you might give me a lift."
+
+I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted
+Carrie.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+
+After the Mansion House Ball.  Carrie offended.  Gowing also
+offended.  A pleasant party at the Cummings'.  Mr. Franching, of
+Peckham, visits us.
+
+
+May 8.--I woke up with a most terrible head-ache.  I could scarcely
+see, and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick.  I
+thought first of sending for a doctor; but I did not think it
+necessary.  When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish's, the
+chemist, who gave me a draught.  So bad at the office, had to get
+leave to come home.  Went to another chemist in the City, and I got
+a draught.  Brownish's dose seems to have made me worse; have eaten
+nothing all day.  To make matters worse, Carrie, every time I spoke
+to her, answered me sharply--that is, when she answered at all.
+
+In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her:  "I do
+believe I've been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the Mansion
+House last night;" she simply replied, without taking her eyes from
+her sewing:  "Champagne never did agree with you."  I felt
+irritated, and said:  "What nonsense you talk; I only had a glass
+and a half, and you know as well as I do--"  Before I could
+complete the sentence she bounced out of the room.  I sat over an
+hour waiting for her to return; but as she did not, I determined I
+would go to bed.  I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even
+saying "good-night"; leaving me to bar the scullery door and feed
+the cat.  I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning.
+
+May 9.--Still a little shaky, with black specks.  The Blackfriars
+Bi-weekly News contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion
+House Ball.  Disappointed to find our names omitted, though
+Farmerson's is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever
+that may mean.  More than vexed, because we had ordered a dozen
+copies to send to our friends.  Wrote to the Blackfriars Bi-weekly
+News, pointing out their omission.
+
+Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour.  I
+helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and
+quietly:  "Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last
+night."
+
+She replied, "Indeed! and I desire something more than a little
+explanation of your conduct the night before."
+
+I said, coolly:  "Really, I don't understand you."
+
+Carrie said sneeringly:  "Probably not; you were scarcely in a
+condition to understand anything."
+
+I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated:
+"Caroline!"
+
+She said:  "Don't be theatrical, it has no effect on me.  Reserve
+that tone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger."
+
+I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never
+seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue.  She said:  "Now I'M
+going to say something!  After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson,
+you permit him to snub YOU, in my presence, and then accept his
+invitation to take a glass of champagne with you, and you don't
+limit yourself to one glass.  You then offer this vulgar man, who
+made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the
+way home.  I say nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in
+the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James's expensive fan, which you
+knocked out of my hand, and for which he never even apologised; but
+you smoked all the way home without having the decency to ask my
+permission.  That is not all!  At the end of the journey, although
+he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of the cab, you
+asked him in.  Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, from my
+manner, that his company was not desirable."
+
+Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make
+matters worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two
+hats on his head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with
+Carrie's fur tippet (which he had taken off the downstairs hall-
+peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a loud, coarse voice:
+"His Royal Highness, the Lord Mayor!"  He marched twice round the
+room like a buffoon, and finding we took no notice, said:  "Hulloh!
+what's up?  Lovers' quarrel, eh?"
+
+There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly:  "My dear
+Gowing, I'm not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking;
+especially when you enter the room without knocking, an act which I
+fail to see the fun of."
+
+Gowing said:  "I'm very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I
+thought you would have sent round."  I handed him his stick, which
+I remembered I had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to
+improve it.  He looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression
+and said:  "Who did this?"
+
+I said:  "Eh, did what?"
+
+He said:  "Did what?  Why, destroyed my stick!  It belonged to my
+poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world!
+I'll know who did it."
+
+I said:  "I'm very sorry.  I dare say it will come off.  I did it
+for the best."
+
+Gowing said:  "Then all I can say is, it's a confounded liberty;
+and I WOULD add, you're a bigger fool than you look, only THAT'S
+absolutely impossible."
+
+May 12.--Got a single copy of the Blackfriars Bi-weekly News.
+There was a short list of several names they had omitted; but the
+stupid people had mentioned our names as "Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter."
+Most annoying!  Wrote again and I took particular care to write our
+name in capital letters, POOTER, so that there should be no
+possible mistake this time.
+
+May 16.--Absolutely disgusted on opening the Blackfriars Bi-weekly
+News of to-day, to find the following paragraph:  "We have received
+two letters from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to
+announce the important fact that they were at the Mansion House
+Ball."  I tore up the paper and threw it in the waste-paper basket.
+My time is far too valuable to bother about such trifles.
+
+May 21.--The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being away
+at Mrs. James's, at Sutton.  Cummings also away.  Gowing, I
+presume, is still offended with me for black enamelling his stick
+without asking him.
+
+May 22.--Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost
+seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it
+round with nice note to Gowing.
+
+May 23.--Received strange note from Gowing; he said:  "Offended?
+not a bit, my boy--I thought you were offended with me for losing
+my temper.  Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old
+uncle's stick you painted.  It was only a shilling thing I bought
+at a tobacconist's.  However, I am much obliged to you for your
+handsome present all same."
+
+May 24.--Carrie back.  Hoorah!  She looks wonderfully well, except
+that the sun has caught her nose.
+
+May 25.--Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to
+take them to Trillip's round the corner.  She said:  "The fronts
+and cuffs are much frayed."  I said without a moment's hesitation:
+"I'm 'FRAYED they are."  Lor! how we roared.  I thought we should
+never stop laughing.  As I happened to be sitting next the driver
+going to town on the 'bus, I told him my joke about the "frayed"
+shirts.  I thought he would have rolled off his seat.  They laughed
+at the office a good bit too over it.
+
+May 26.--Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip's.  I said to
+him:  "I'm 'FRAID they are FRAYED."  He said, without a smile:
+"They're bound to do that, sir."  Some people seem to be quite
+destitute of a sense of humour.
+
+June 1.--The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back,
+and Gowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly.  Twice we sat
+out in the garden quite late.  This evening we were like a pack of
+children, and played "consequences."  It is a good game.
+
+June 2.--"Consequences" again this evening.  Not quite so
+successful as last night; Gowing having several times overstepped
+the limits of good taste.
+
+June 4.--In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs.
+Cummings' to spend a quiet evening with them.  Gowing was there,
+also Mr. Stillbrook.  It was quiet but pleasant.  Mrs. Cummings
+sang five or six songs, "No, Sir," and "The Garden of Sleep," being
+best in my humble judgment; but what pleased me most was the duet
+she sang with Carrie--classical duet, too.  I think it is called,
+"I would that my love!"  It was beautiful.  If Carrie had been in
+better voice, I don't think professionals could have sung it
+better.  After supper we made them sing it again.  I never liked
+Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday to the "Cow and Hedge,"
+but I must say he sings comic-songs well.  His song:  "We don't
+Want the old men now," made us shriek with laughter, especially the
+verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; but there was one verse I think
+he might have omitted, and I said so, but Gowing thought it was the
+best of the lot.
+
+June 6.--Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust, his
+charge for repairing was more than I gave for them when new.  I
+told him so, and he impertinently replied:  "Well, they are better
+now than when they were new."  I paid him, and said it was a
+robbery.  He said:  "If you wanted your shirt-fronts made out of
+pauper-linen, such as is used for packing and bookbinding, why
+didn't you say so?"
+
+June 7.--A dreadful annoyance.  Met Mr. Franching, who lives at
+Peckham, and who is a great swell in his way.  I ventured to ask
+him to come home to meat-tea, and take pot-luck.  I did not think
+he would accept such a humble invitation; but he did, saying, in a
+most friendly way, he would rather "peck" with us than by himself.
+I said:  "We had better get into this blue 'bus."  He replied:  "No
+blue-bussing for me.  I have had enough of the blues lately.  I
+lost a cool 'thou' over the Copper Scare.  Step in here."
+
+We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked three
+times at the front door without getting an answer.  I saw Carrie,
+through the panels of ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs.
+I told Mr. Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the
+side.  There I saw the grocer's boy actually picking off the paint
+on the door, which had formed into blisters.  No time to reprove
+him; so went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen
+window.  I let in Mr. Franching, and showed him into the drawing-
+room.  I went upstairs to Carrie, who was changing her dress, and
+told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come home.  She replied:
+"How can you do such a thing?  You know it's Sarah's holiday, and
+there's not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having turned
+with the hot weather."
+
+Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down,
+washed up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our
+views of Japan to look at while I ran round to the butcher's to get
+three chops.
+
+July 30.--The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or
+Carrie, or both.  We seem to break out into an argument about
+absolutely nothing, and this unpleasant state of things usually
+occurs at meal-times.
+
+This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking about
+balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation
+drifted into family matters, during which Carrie, without the
+slightest reason, referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my
+poor father's pecuniary trouble.  I retorted by saying that "Pa, at
+all events, was a gentleman," whereupon Carrie burst out crying.  I
+positively could not eat any breakfast.
+
+At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was very
+sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from next
+Saturday.  Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his
+club, "The Constitutional."  Fearing disagreeables at home after
+the "tiff" this morning, I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I
+was going out to dine and she was not to sit up.  Bought a little
+silver bangle for Carrie.
+
+July 31.--Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left
+with an affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before
+going to bed.  I told Carrie we should have to start for our
+holiday next Saturday.  She replied quite happily that she did not
+mind, except that the weather was so bad, and she feared that Miss
+Jibbons would not be able to get her a seaside dress in time.  I
+told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pink bows looked quite
+good enough; and Carrie said she should not think of wearing it.  I
+was about to discuss the matter, when, remembering the argument
+yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue.
+
+I said to Carrie:  "I don't think we can do better than 'Good old
+Broadstairs.'"  Carrie not only, to my astonishment, raised an
+objection to Broadstairs, for the first time; but begged me not to
+use the expression, "Good old," but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook
+and other GENTLEMEN of his type.  Hearing my 'bus pass the window,
+I was obliged to rush out of the house without kissing Carrie as
+usual; and I shouted to her:  "I leave it to you to decide."  On
+returning in the evening, Carrie said she thought as the time was
+so short she had decided on Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs.
+Beck, Harbour View Terrace, for apartments.
+
+August 1.--Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards's, and told
+them not to cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair being so
+loose and also tight at the knee, looked like a sailor's, and I
+heard Pitt, that objectionable youth at the office, call out
+"Hornpipe" as I passed his desk.  Carrie has ordered of Miss
+Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt, which I always think
+looks so pretty at the seaside.  In the evening she trimmed herself
+a little sailor-hat, while I read to her the Exchange and Mart.  We
+had a good laugh over my trying on the hat when she had finished
+it; Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard, and how the
+people would have roared if I went on the stage like it.
+
+August 2.--Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms at
+Broadstairs.  That's off our mind.  Bought a coloured shirt and a
+pair of tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks
+wearing in the City, and hear are all the "go."
+
+August 3.--A beautiful day.  Looking forward to to-morrow.  Carrie
+bought a parasol about five feet long.  I told her it was
+ridiculous.  She said:  "Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one twice as
+long so;" the matter dropped.  I bought a capital hat for hot
+weather at the seaside.  I don't know what it is called, but it is
+the shape of the helmet worn in India, only made of straw.  Got
+three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair of navy-blue
+socks at Pope Brothers.  Spent the evening packing.  Carrie told me
+not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth's telescope, which he always
+lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it.  Sent Sarah out
+for it.  While everything was seeming so bright, the last post
+brought us a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying:  "I have just let all
+my house to one party, and am sorry I must take back my words, and
+am sorry you must find other apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next
+door, will be pleased to accommodate you, but she cannot take you
+before Monday, as her rooms are engaged Bank Holiday week."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+
+The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter.
+
+
+August 4.--The first post brought a nice letter from our dear son
+Willie, acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him, the
+day before yesterday being his twentieth birthday.  To our utter
+amazement he turned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed
+all the way from Oldham.  He said he had got leave from the bank,
+and as Monday was a holiday he thought he would give us a little
+surprise.
+
+August 5, Sunday.--We have not seen Willie since last Christmas,
+and are pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown.  One
+would scarcely believe he was Carrie's son.  He looks more like a
+younger brother.  I rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit
+on a Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to church this
+morning; but he said he was tired after yesterday's journey, so I
+refrained from any remark on the subject.  We had a bottle of port
+for dinner, and drank dear Willie's health.
+
+He said:  "Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I've cut my first name,
+'William,' and taken the second name 'Lupin'?  In fact, I'm only
+known at Oldham as 'Lupin Pooter.'  If you were to 'Willie' me
+there, they wouldn't know what you meant."
+
+Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted,
+and began by giving a long history of the Lupins.  I ventured to
+say that I thought William a nice simple name, and reminded him he
+was christened after his Uncle William, who was much respected in
+the City.  Willie, in a manner which I did not much care for, said
+sneeringly:  "Oh, I know all about that--Good old Bill!" and helped
+himself to a third glass of port.
+
+Carrie objected strongly to my saying "Good old," but she made no
+remark when Willie used the double adjective.  I said nothing, but
+looked at her, which meant more.  I said:  "My dear Willie, I hope
+you are happy with your colleagues at the Bank."  He replied:
+"Lupin, if you please; and with respect to the Bank, there's not a
+clerk who is a gentleman, and the 'boss' is a cad."  I felt so
+shocked, I could say nothing, and my instinct told me there was
+something wrong.
+
+August 6, Bank Holiday.--As there was no sign of Lupin moving at
+nine o'clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually
+breakfasted at half-past eight, and asked how long would he be?
+Lupin replied that he had had a lively time of it, first with the
+train shaking the house all night, and then with the sun streaming
+in through the window in his eyes, and giving him a cracking
+headache.  Carrie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast
+sent up, and he said he could do with a cup of tea, and didn't want
+anything to eat.
+
+Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and
+said we dined at two; he said he "would be there."  He never came
+down till a quarter to three.  I said:  "We have not seen much of
+you, and you will have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you
+will have to leave in an hour, unless you go by the midnight mail."
+He said:  "Look here, Guv'nor, it's no use beating about the bush.
+I've tendered my resignation at the Bank."
+
+For a moment I could not speak.  When my speech came again, I said:
+"How dare you, sir?  How dare you take such a serious step without
+consulting me?  Don't answer me, sir!--you will sit down
+immediately, and write a note at my dictation, withdrawing your
+resignation and amply apologising for your thoughtlessness."
+
+Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw:  "It's no
+use.  If you want the good old truth, I've got the chuck!"
+
+August 7.--Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday a
+week, as we could not get the room.  This will give us an
+opportunity of trying to find an appointment for Willie before we
+go.  The ambition of my life would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp's
+firm.
+
+August 11.--Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin on
+our hands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign
+from the Bank simply because "he took no interest in his work, and
+always arrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late."  We can all
+start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light heart.  This will
+take my mind off the worry of the last few days, which have been
+wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager of the Bank
+at Oldham.
+
+August 13.--Hurrah! at Broadstairs.  Very nice apartments near the
+station.  On the cliffs they would have been double the price.  The
+landlady had a nice five o'clock dinner and tea ready, which we all
+enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because there happened to
+be a fly in the butter.  It was very wet in the evening, for which
+I was thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to bed early.
+Lupin said he would sit up and read a bit.
+
+August 14.--I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of
+reading last night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment,
+given at the Assembly Rooms.  I expressed my opinion that such
+performances were unworthy of respectable patronage; but he
+replied:  "Oh, it was only 'for one night only.'  I had a fit of
+the blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly Presswell,
+England's Particular Spark."  I told him I was proud to say I had
+never heard of her.  Carrie said:  "Do let the boy alone.  He's
+quite old enough to take care of himself, and won't forget he's a
+gentleman.  Remember, you were young once yourself."  Rained all
+day hard, but Lupin would go out.
+
+August 15.--Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate,
+and the first person we met on the jetty was Gowing.  I said:
+"Hulloh!  I thought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham
+friends?"  He said:  "Yes, but young Peter Lawrence was so ill,
+they postponed their visit, so I came down here.  You know the
+Cummings' are here too?"  Carrie said:  "Oh, that will be
+delightful!  We must have some evenings together and have games."
+
+I introduced Lupin, saying:  "You will be pleased to find we have
+our dear boy at home!"  Gowing said:  "How's that?  You don't mean
+to say he's left the Bank?"
+
+I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those
+awkward questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking.
+
+August 16.--Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with
+me because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat.  I
+don't know what the boy is coming to.
+
+August 17.--Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and I went
+for a sail.  It was a relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin
+irritates me, she always sides with him.  On our return, he said:
+"Oh, you've been on the 'Shilling Emetic,' have you?  You'll come
+to six-pennorth on the 'Liver Jerker' next."  I presume he meant a
+tricycle, but I affected not to understand him.
+
+August 18.--Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening
+at Margate.  It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him
+to the hotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play,
+and in fact disapprove of the game.  Cummings said he must hasten
+back to Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said:  "I'll give
+you a game, Gowing--a hundred up.  A walk round I the cloth will
+give me an appetite for dinner."  I said:  "Perhaps Mister Gowing
+does not care to play with boys."  Gowing surprised me by saying:
+"Oh yes, I do, if they play well," and they walked off together.
+
+August 19, Sunday.--I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking
+(which he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his
+hat and walked out.  Carrie then read ME a long sermon on the
+palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere
+child.  I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening I offered
+him a cigar.  He seemed pleased, but, after a few whiffs, said:
+"This is a good old tup'ny--try one of mine," and he handed me a
+cigar as long as it was strong, which is saying a good deal.
+
+August 20.--I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, though
+clouded overhead.  We went over to Cummings' (at Margate) in the
+evening, and as it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing,
+as usual, overstepping the mark.  He suggested we should play
+"Cutlets," a game we never heard of.  He sat on a chair, and asked
+Carrie to sit on his lap, an invitation which dear Carrie rightly
+declined.
+
+After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing's knees and Carrie
+sat on the edge of mine.  Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie's lap,
+then Cummings on Lupin's, and Mrs. Cummings on her husband's.  We
+looked very ridiculous, and laughed a good deal.
+
+Gowing then said:  "Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?"  We had
+to answer all together:  "Yes--oh, yes!" (three times).  Gowing
+said:  "So am I," and suddenly got up.  The result of this stupid
+joke was that we all fell on the ground, and poor Carrie banged her
+head against the corner of the fender.  Mrs. Cummings put some
+vinegar on; but through this we missed the last train, and had to
+drive back to Broadstairs, which cost me seven-and-sixpence.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+
+Home again.  Mrs. James' influence on Carrie.  Can get nothing for
+Lupin.  Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome.  Some one
+tampers with my diary.  Got a place for Lupin.  Lupin startles us
+with an announcement.
+
+
+August 22.--Home sweet Home again!  Carrie bought some pretty blue-
+wool mats to stand vases on.  Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say
+they are sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for
+Lupin.
+
+August 23.--I bought a pair of stags' heads made of plaster-of-
+Paris and coloured brown.  They will look just the thing for our
+little hall, and give it style; the heads are excellent imitations.
+Poolers and Smith are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.
+
+August 24.--Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful for
+him, as he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up
+from Sutton and spend two or three days with us.  We have not said
+a word to Lupin, but mean to keep it as a surprise.
+
+August 25.--Mrs. James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon,
+bringing with her an enormous bunch of wild flowers.  The more I
+see of Mrs James the nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to
+Carrie.  She went into Carrie's room to take off her bonnet, and
+remained there nearly an hour talking about dress.  Lupin said he
+was not a bit surprised at Mrs. James' VISIT, but was surprised at
+HER.
+
+August 26, Sunday.--Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having
+talked considerably about what to wear all the morning.  Lupin does
+not seem to get on very well with Mrs. James.  I am afraid we shall
+have some trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in last
+Wednesday.  Several of their friends, who drive up in dog-carts,
+have already made themselves objectionable.
+
+An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness,
+and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a
+habit I have), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an
+American, commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about "I HAD
+THIRTEEN DOLLARS IN MY WAISTCOAT POCKET."  I fancied it was meant
+for me, and my suspicions were confirmed; for while walking round
+the garden in my tall hat this afternoon, a "throw-down" cracker
+was deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a
+percussion cap.  I turned sharply, and am positive I saw the man
+who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroom windows.
+
+August 27.--Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had not
+returned when I came back from the office.  Judging from the
+subsequent conversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie's
+head with a lot of nonsense about dress.  I walked over to Gowing's
+and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant.
+
+Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of the
+remainder of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was
+to refuse, in case there was not enough to go round), and a blanc-
+mange and custards.  There was also a decanter of port and some jam
+puffs on the sideboard.  Mrs. James made us play rather a good game
+of cards, called "Muggings."  To my surprise, in fact disgust,
+Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a most sarcastic tone, said:
+"Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me, I shall go and
+enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the back-garden."
+
+Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (who
+seems to have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games.
+Lupin said:  "Let's play 'monkeys.'"  He then led Gowing all round
+the room, and brought him in front of the looking-glass.  I must
+confess I laughed heartily at this.  I was a little vexed at
+everybody subsequently laughing at some joke which they did not
+explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered I must have
+been walking about all the evening with an antimacassar on one
+button of my coat-tails.
+
+August 28.--Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums,
+evidently come from next door.  Pattles and Pattles can't find a
+place for Lupin.
+
+August 29.--Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie.  Carrie
+appeared in a new dress like a smock-frock.  She said "smocking"
+was all the rage.  I replied it put me in a rage.  She also had on
+a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape.  Mrs.
+James went home, and both Lupin and I were somewhat pleased--the
+first time we have agreed on a single subject since his return.
+Merkins and Son write they have no vacancy for Lupin.
+
+October 30.--I should very much like to know who has wilfully torn
+the last five or six weeks out of my diary.  It is perfectly
+monstrous!  Mine is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space
+for the record of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record
+I take (with much pride) a great deal of pains.
+
+I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it.  She replied it was
+my own fault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning
+and the sweeps in the house.  I said that was not an answer to my
+question.  This retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart,
+would have been more effective had I not jogged my elbow against a
+vase on a table temporarily placed in the passage, knocked it over,
+and smashed it.
+
+Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a
+pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding-
+day by Mrs. Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie's cousins, the
+Pommertons, late of Dalston.  I called to Sarah, and asked her
+about the diary.  She said she had not been in the sitting-room at
+all; after the sweep had left, Mrs. Birrell (the charwoman) had
+cleaned the room and lighted the fire herself.  Finding a burnt
+piece of paper in the grate, I examined it, and found it was a
+piece of my diary.  So it was evident some one had torn my diary to
+light the fire.  I requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me to-
+morrow.
+
+October 31.--Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkupp,
+saying that he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy
+Lupin.  This, in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion
+of my diary; for I am bound to confess the last few weeks have been
+devoted to the record of disappointing answers received from people
+to whom I have applied for appointments for Lupin.  Mrs. Birrell
+called, and, in reply to me, said:  "She never SEE no book, much
+less take such a liberty as TOUCH it."
+
+I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said
+she would do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep
+lighting the fire with a bit of the Echo.  I requested the sweep to
+be sent to me to-morrow.  I wish Carrie had not given Lupin a
+latch-key; we never seem to see anything of him.  I sat up till
+past one for him, and then retired tired.
+
+November 1.--My entry yesterday about "retired tired," which I did
+not notice at the time, is rather funny.  If I were not so worried
+just now, I might have had a little joke about it.  The sweep
+called, but had the audacity to come up to the hall-door and lean
+his dirty bag of soot on the door-step.  He, however, was so
+polite, I could not rebuke him.  He said Sarah lighted the fire.
+Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she was dusting the banisters,
+and she ran down, and flew into a temper with the sweep, causing a
+row on the front door-steps, which I would not have had happen for
+anything.  I ordered her about her business, and told the sweep I
+was sorry to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps
+were covered with soot in consequence of his visit.  I would
+willingly give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary.
+
+November 2.--I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose
+company I never tire.  We had a most pleasant chat about the
+letters on "Is Marriage a Failure?"  It has been no failure in our
+case.  In talking over our own happy experiences, we never noticed
+that it was past midnight.  We were startled by hearing the door
+slam violently.  Lupin had come in.  He made no attempt to turn
+down the gas in the passage, or even to look into the room where we
+were, but went straight up to bed, making a terrible noise.  I
+asked him to come down for a moment, and he begged to be excused,
+as he was "dead beat," an observation that was scarcely consistent
+with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards, he was
+positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, "See me dance the
+polka!" or some such nonsense.
+
+November 3.--Good news at last.  Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment
+for Lupin, and he is to go and see about it on Monday.  Oh, how my
+mind is relieved!  I went to Lupin's room to take the good news to
+him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep it over
+till the evening.
+
+He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur
+Dramatic Club, called the "Holloway Comedians"; and, though it was
+a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in
+the head.  He declined to have any breakfast, so I left him.   In
+the evening I had up a special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in
+for a wonder, we filled our glasses, and I said:  "Lupin my boy, I
+have some good and unexpected news for you.  Mr. Perkupp has
+procured you an appointment!"  Lupin said:  "Good biz!" and we
+drained our glasses.
+
+Lupin then said:  "Fill up the glasses again, for I have some good
+and unexpected news for you."
+
+I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she
+said:  "I hope we shall think it good news."
+
+Lupin said:  "Oh, it's all right!  I'M ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+
+Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation.  Lupin's new berth.
+Fireworks at the Cummings'.  The "Holloway Comedians."  Sarah
+quarrels with the charwoman.  Lupin's uncalled-for interference.
+Am introduced to Daisy Mutlar.  We decide to give a party in her
+honour.
+
+
+November 5, Sunday.--Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy
+Lupin getting engaged to be married without consulting us or
+anything.  After dinner he told us all about it.  He said the
+lady's name was Daisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest,
+and most accomplished girl he ever met.  He loved her the moment he
+saw her, and if he had to wait fifty years he would wait, and he
+knew she would wait for him.
+
+Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a
+different world to him now,--it was a world worth living in.  He
+lived with an object now, and that was to make Daisy Mutlar--Daisy
+Pooter, and he would guarantee she would not disgrace the family of
+the Pooters.  Carrie here burst out crying, and threw her arms
+round his neck, and in doing so, upset the glass of port he held in
+his hand all over his new light trousers.
+
+I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her,
+but Carrie said she loved her already.  I thought this rather
+premature, but held my tongue.  Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of
+conversation for the remainder of the day.  I asked Lupin who her
+people were, and he replied:  "Oh, you know Mutlar, Williams and
+Watts."  I did not know, but refrained from asking any further
+questions at present, for fear of irritating Lupin.
+
+November 6.--Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long
+conversation with Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which
+was that he accepted a clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and
+Co., Stock and Share Brokers.  Lupin told me, privately, it was an
+advertising firm, and he did not think much of it.  I replied:
+"Beggars should not be choosers;" and I will do Lupin the justice
+to say, he looked rather ashamed of himself.
+
+In the evening we went round to the Cummings', to have a few
+fireworks.  It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull.  One of
+my squibs would not go off, and Gowing said:  "Hit it on your boot,
+boy; it will go off then."  I gave it a few knocks on the end of my
+boot, and it went off with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers
+rather badly.  I gave the rest of the squibs to the little
+Cummings' boy to let off.
+
+Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse
+on my head.  Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake
+in the ground by way of a grand finale.  He made a great fuss about
+it; said it cost seven shillings.  There was a little difficulty in
+getting it alight.  At last it went off; but after a couple of slow
+revolutions it stopped.  I had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap
+to send it round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to
+the grass.  Anybody would have thought I had set the house on fire
+from the way in which they stormed at me.  I will never join in any
+more firework parties.  It is a ridiculous waste of time and money.
+
+November 7.--Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie
+said she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first.  I agreed
+with Carrie, and this led to an argument.  However, the matter was
+settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, and
+we must get some more printed, and when they were finished would be
+quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of calling.
+
+November 8.--I ordered some of our cards at Black's, the
+stationers.  I ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us for
+a good long time.  In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar,
+Miss Mutlar's brother.  He was rather a gawky youth, and Lupin said
+he was the most popular and best amateur in the club, referring to
+the "Holloway Comedians."  Lupin whispered to us that if we could
+only "draw out" Harry a bit, he would make us roar with laughter.
+
+At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things.  He took up a
+knife, and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek in a
+wonderful manner.  He also gave an imitation of an old man with no
+teeth, smoking a big cigar.  The way he kept dropping the cigar
+sent Carrie into fits.
+
+In the course of conversation, Daisy's name cropped up, and young
+Mutlar said he would bring his sister round to us one evening--his
+parents being rather old-fashioned, and not going out much.  Carrie
+said we would get up a little special party.  As young Mutlar
+showed no inclination to go, and it was approaching eleven o'clock,
+as a hint I reminded Lupin that he had to be up early to-morrow.
+Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began a series of comic
+imitations.  He went on for an hour without cessation.  Poor Carrie
+could scarcely keep her eyes open.  At last she made an excuse, and
+said "Good-night."
+
+Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hall
+something about the "Holloway Comedians," and to my disgust,
+although it was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and
+went out with his new companion.
+
+November 9.--My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out of
+my diary still fruitless.  Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so
+we see little of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal
+times.  Cummings dropped in.
+
+November 10.--Lupin seems to like his new berth--that's a comfort.
+Daisy Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea.  Carrie
+almost as full of it as Lupin.  Lupin informs me, to my disgust,
+that he has been persuaded to take part in the forthcoming
+performance of the "Holloway Comedians."  He says he is to play Bob
+Britches in the farce, GONE TO MY UNCLE'S; Frank Mutlar is going to
+play old Musty.  I told Lupin pretty plainly I was not in the least
+degree interested in the matter, and totally disapproved of amateur
+theatricals.  Gowing came in the evening.
+
+November 11.--Returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful
+uproar, Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside
+her bedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying.  Mrs. Birrell (the
+charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the
+top of her voice that she was "no thief, that she was a respectable
+woman, who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack
+anyone's face who put lies into her mouth."  Lupin, whose back was
+towards me, did not hear me come in.  He was standing between the
+two women, and, I regret to say, in his endeavour to act as
+peacemaker, he made use of rather strong language in the presence
+of his mother; and I was just in time to hear him say:  "And all
+this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a rotten diary that
+wouldn't fetch three-halfpence a pound!"  I said, quietly:  "Pardon
+me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of this
+house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins."
+
+I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused
+Mrs. Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some
+kitchen fat and leavings which she had taken out of the house last
+week.  Mrs. Birrell had slapped Sarah's face, and said she had
+taken nothing out of the place, as there was "never no leavings to
+take."  I ordered Sarah back to her work, and requested Mrs.
+Birrell to go home.  When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking
+his legs in the air, and roaring with laughter.
+
+November 12, Sunday.--Coming home from church Carrie and I met
+Lupin, Daisy Mutlar, and her brother.  Daisy was introduced to us,
+and we walked home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar.
+We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my
+future daughter-in-law.  My heart quite sank.  She is a big young
+woman, and I should think at least eight years older than Lupin.  I
+did not even think her good-looking.  Carrie asked her if she could
+come in on Wednesday next with her brother to meet a few friends.
+She replied that she would only be too pleased.
+
+November 13.--Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings,
+to Mr. and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook.  I wrote a
+note to Mr. Franching, of Peckham.  Carrie said we may as well make
+it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp?  I
+said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him.  Carrie said
+there was "no offence in asking him."  I said:  "Certainly not,"
+and I wrote him a letter.  Carrie confessed she was a little
+disappointed with Daisy Mutlar's appearance, but thought she seemed
+a nice girl.
+
+November 14.--Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand
+little party for to-morrow.  Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I
+shall keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could
+get away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour.  Carrie was
+busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies.
+She said she felt quite nervous about her responsibilities to-
+morrow evening.  We decided to have some light things on the table,
+such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on
+the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and a Paysandu tongue--for
+the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked.
+
+Gowing called to know if he was to put on "swallow-tails" to-
+morrow.  Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr.
+Franching was coming, and there was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp
+also putting in an appearance.
+
+Gowing said:  "Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not worn my
+dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases
+pressed out."
+
+After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please
+Daisy Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in
+fact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old
+friend Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a
+green-grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if
+Daisy took him for one.
+
+I fairly lost my temper, and said:  "Lupin, allow me to tell you
+Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England.  I gave you credit
+for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an
+engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself.  I advise
+you to think of earning your living before entangling yourself with
+a wife whom you will have to support, and, in all probability, her
+brother also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer."
+
+Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped
+up and said:  "If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult
+me.  I will leave the house and never darken your doors again."
+
+He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door.  But it was all
+right.  He came back to supper, and we played Bezique till nearly
+twelve o'clock.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+
+Our first important Party.  Old Friends and New Friends.  Gowing is
+a little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be
+quite amusing.  Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most
+kind and complimentary.  Party a great success.
+
+
+November 15.--A red-letter day.  Our first important party since we
+have been in this house.  I got home early from the City.  Lupin
+insisted on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of
+champagne.  I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he
+had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds out a private
+deal in the City.  I hope he won't gamble in his new situation.
+The supper-room looked so nice, and Carrie truly said:  "We need
+not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he honour
+us by coming."
+
+I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight
+o'clock, and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much too
+short.
+
+Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my
+wearing ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.
+
+I replied satirically:  "My dear son, I have lived to be above that
+sort of thing."
+
+Lupin burst out laughing, and said:  "A man generally was above his
+boots."
+
+This may be funny, or it may NOT; but I was gratified to find he
+had not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs.  Carrie
+looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House.
+The arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent.  Carrie had hung
+muslin curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the
+entrances, for we had removed the door from its hinges.
+
+Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict
+orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous
+one was empty.  Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be
+placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses.  By-the-
+by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs look very nice on the
+walls, especially as Carrie has arranged some Liberty silk bows on
+the four corners of them.
+
+The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted me
+with:  "Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!"
+
+I simply said:  "Very likely, and you will find my temper 'SHORT'
+also."
+
+He said:  "That won't make your trousers longer, Juggins.  You
+should get your missus to put a flounce on them."
+
+I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my
+diary.
+
+The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings.  The former said:
+"As you didn't say anything about dress, I have come 'half dress.'"
+He had on a black frock-coat and white tie.  The James', Mr.
+Merton, and Mr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and
+unbearable till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived.
+
+Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy's appearance.  She had a
+bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck.  I do not think
+such a style modest.  She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie,
+and covered her shoulders with a little lace.  Mr. Nackles, Mr.
+Sprice-Hogg and his four daughters came; so did Franching, and one
+or two of Lupin's new friends, members of the "Holloway Comedians."
+Some of these seemed rather theatrical in their manner, especially
+one, who was posing all the evening, and leant on our little round
+table and cracked it.  Lupin called him "our Henry," and said he
+was "our lead at the H.C.'s," and was quite as good in that
+department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant.  All
+this is Greek to me.
+
+We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy's side for a
+moment, raved over her singing of a song, called "Some Day."  It
+seemed a pretty song, but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my
+mind, so out of tune, I would not have asked her to sing again; but
+Lupin made her sing four songs right off, one after the other.
+
+At ten o'clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing and
+Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for a
+month.  I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp
+should come by mere chance.  Gowing annoyed me very much by filling
+a large tumbler of champagne, and drinking it straight off.  He
+repeated this action, and made me fear our half-dozen of champagne
+would not last out.  I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got
+hold of it, and took it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank
+Mutlar.
+
+We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking.  Carrie
+put a stop to that at once.  Stillbrook amused us with a song,
+"What have you done with your Cousin John?"  I did not notice that
+Lupin and Frank had disappeared.  I asked Mr. Watson, one of the
+Holloways, where they were, and he said:  "It's a case of 'Oh, what
+a surprise!'"
+
+We were directed to form a circle--which we did.  Watson then said:
+"I have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated Blondin
+Donkey."  Frank and Lupin then bounded into the room.  Lupin had
+whitened his face like a clown, and Frank had tied round his waist
+a large hearthrug.  He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked
+it.  They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we were all
+shrieking with laughter.
+
+I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr Perkupp standing half-
+way in the door, he having arrived without our knowing it.  I
+beckoned to Carrie, and we went up to him at once.  He would not
+come right into the room.  I apologised for the foolery, but Mr.
+Perkupp said:  "Oh, it seems amusing."  I could see he was not a
+bit amused.
+
+Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck.  There
+was not a glass of champagne left--not even a sandwich.  Mr.
+Perkupp said he required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer
+or soda water.  The last syphon was empty.  Carrie said:  "We have
+plenty of port wine left."  Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile:  "No,
+thank you.  I really require nothing, but I am most pleased to see
+you and your husband in your own home.  Good-night, Mrs. Pooter--
+you will excuse my very short stay, I know."  I went with him to
+his carriage, and he said:  "Don't trouble to come to the office
+till twelve to-morrow."
+
+I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie I
+thought the party was a failure.  Carrie said it was a great
+success, and I was only tired, and insisted on my having some port
+myself.  I drank two glasses, and felt much better, and we went
+into the drawing-room, where they had commenced dancing.  Carrie
+and I had a little dance, which I said reminded me of old days.
+She said I was a spooney old thing.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+
+Reflections.  I make another Good Joke.  Am annoyed at the constant
+serving-up of the "Blanc-Mange."  Lupin expresses his opinion of
+Weddings.  Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar.
+
+
+November 16.--Woke about twenty times during the night, with
+terrible thirst.  Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well
+as half that in the jug.  Kept dreaming also, that last night's
+party was a failure, and that a lot of low people came without
+invitation, and kept chaffing and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp,
+till at last I was obliged to hide him in the box-room (which we
+had just discovered), with a bath-towel over him.  It seems absurd
+now, but it was painfully real in the dream.  I had the same dream
+about a dozen times.
+
+Carrie annoyed me by saying:  "You know champagne never agrees with
+you."  I told her I had only a couple of glasses of it, having kept
+myself entirely to port.  I added that good champagne hurt nobody,
+and Lupin told me he had only got it from a traveller as a favour,
+as that particular brand had been entirely bought up by a West-End
+club.
+
+I think I ate too heartily of the "side dishes," as the waiter
+called them.  I said to Carrie:  "I wish I had put those 'side
+dishes' ASIDE."  I repeated this, but Carrie was busy, packing up
+the teaspoons we had borrowed of Mrs. Cummings for the party.  It
+was just half-past eleven, and I was starting for the office, when
+Lupin appeared, with a yellow complexion, and said:  "Hulloh! Guv.,
+what priced head have you this morning?"  I told him he might just
+as well speak to me in Dutch.  He added:  "When I woke this
+morning, my head was as big as Baldwin's balloon."  On the spur of
+the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I have ever said;
+viz.:  "Perhaps that accounts for the paraSHOOTING pains."  We
+roared.
+
+November 17.--Still feel tired and headachy!  In the evening Gowing
+called, and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday.  He
+said everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself
+enormously.  Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but
+you never know how long it will last.  For instance, he stopped to
+supper, and seeing some blanc-mange on the table, shouted out,
+while the servant was in the room:  "Hulloh!  The remains of
+Wednesday?"
+
+November 18.--Woke up quite fresh after a good night's rest, and
+feel quite myself again.  I am satisfied a life of going-out and
+Society is not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation
+which we received this morning to Miss Bird's wedding.  We only met
+her twice at Mrs. James', and it means a present.  Lupin said:  "I
+am with you for once.  To my mind a wedding's a very poor play.
+There are only two parts in it--the bride and bridegroom.  The best
+man is only a walking gentleman.  With the exception of a crying
+father and a snivelling mother, the rest are SUPERS who have to
+dress well and have to PAY for their insignificant parts in the
+shape of costly presents."  I did not care for the theatrical
+slang, but thought it clever, though disrespectful.
+
+I told Sarah not to bring up the blanc-mange again for breakfast.
+It seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since
+Wednesday.  Cummings came round in the evening, and congratulated
+us on the success of our party.  He said it was the best party he
+had been to for many a year; but he wished we had let him know it
+was full dress, as he would have turned up in his swallow-tails.
+We sat down to a quiet game of dominoes, and were interrupted by
+the noisy entrance of Lupin and Frank Mutlar.  Cummings and I asked
+them to join us.  Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and
+suggested a game of "Spoof."  On my asking if it required counters,
+Frank and Lupin in measured time said:  "One, two, three; go!  Have
+you an estate in Greenland?"  It was simply Greek to me, but it
+appears it is one of the customs of the "Holloway Comedians" to do
+this when a member displays ignorance.
+
+In spite of my instructions, that blanc-mange was brought up again
+for supper.  To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to
+disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it.
+Carrie asked Lupin if he would have some, and he replied:  "No
+second-hand goods for me, thank you."  I told Carrie, when we were
+alone, if that blanc-mange were placed on the table again I should
+walk out of the house.
+
+November 19, Sunday.--A delightfully quiet day.  In the afternoon
+Lupin was off to spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars.  He
+departed in the best of spirits, and Carrie said:  "Well, one
+advantage of Lupin's engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems
+happy all day long.  That quite reconciles me to what I must
+confess seems an imprudent engagement."
+
+Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed
+that it did not always follow that an early engagement meant an
+unhappy marriage.  Dear Carrie reminded me that we married early,
+and, with the exception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had
+never had a really serious word.  I could not help thinking (as I
+told her) that half the pleasures of life were derived from the
+little struggles and small privations that one had to endure at the
+beginning of one's married life.  Such struggles were generally
+occasioned by want of means, and often helped to make loving
+couples stand together all the firmer.
+
+Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I was
+quite a philosopher.
+
+We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered by
+Carrie's little compliment.  I don't pretend to be able to express
+myself in fine language, but I feel I have the power of expressing
+my thoughts with simplicity and lucidness.  About nine o'clock, to
+our surprise.  Lupin entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a
+hollow voice, which I must say seemed rather theatrical, said:
+"Have you any brandy?"  I said:  "No; but here is some whisky."
+Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful without water, to my horror.
+
+We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I
+rose to go to bed.  Carrie said to Lupin:  "I hope Daisy is well?"
+
+Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from
+the "Holloway Comedians," replied:  "Oh, Daisy?  You mean Miss
+Mutlar.  I don't know whether she is well or not, but please NEVER
+TO MENTION HER NAME AGAIN IN MY PRESENCE."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+
+We have a dose of Irving imitations.  Make the acquaintance of a
+Mr. Padge.  Don't care for him.  Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a
+nuisance.
+
+
+November 20.--Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day.  Bought a
+cheap address-book.  I spent the evening copying in the names and
+addresses of my friends and acquaintances.  Left out the Mutlars of
+course.
+
+November 21.--Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening.  He
+asked for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to
+my mind was theatrical and quite ineffective.  I said:  "My boy, I
+have none, and I don't think I should give it you if I had."  Lupin
+said:  "I'll go where I can get some," and walked out of the house.
+Carrie took the boy's part, and the rest of the evening was spent
+in a disagreeable discussion, in which the words "Daisy" and
+"Mutlar" must have occurred a thousand times.
+
+November 22.--Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening.
+Lupin also came in, bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton--one
+of the "Holloway Comedians"--who was at our party the other night,
+and who cracked our little round table.  Happy to say Daisy Mutlar
+was never referred to.  The conversation was almost entirely
+monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton, who not only looked
+rather like Mr. Irving, but seemed to imagine that he WAS the
+celebrated actor.  I must say he gave some capital imitations of
+him.  As he showed no signs of moving at supper time, I said:  "If
+you like to stay, Mr. Fosselton, for our usual crust--pray do."  He
+replied:  "Oh! thanks; but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.  It is
+a double name.  There are lots of Fosseltons, but please call me
+Burwin-Fosselton."
+
+He began doing the Irving business all through supper.  He sank so
+low down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the
+table, and twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine,
+and flashed a knife uncomfortably near Gowing's face.  After supper
+he kept stretching out his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps
+of quotations from plays which were Greek to me, and more than once
+knocked over the fire-irons, making a hideous row--poor Carrie
+already having a bad head-ache.
+
+When he went, he said, to our surprise:  "I will come to-morrow and
+bring my Irving make-up."  Gowing and Cummings said they would like
+to see it and would come too.  I could not help thinking they might
+as well give a party at my house while they are about it.  However,
+as Carrie sensibly said:  "Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget
+the Daisy Mutlar business."
+
+November 23.--In the evening, Cummings came early.  Gowing came a
+little later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I
+think, very vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all
+moustache.  Gowing never attempted any apology to either of us, but
+said Padge wanted to see the Irving business, to which Padge said:
+"That's right," and that is about all he DID say during the entire
+evening.  Lupin came in and seemed in much better spirits.  He had
+prepared a bit of a surprise.  Mr. Burwin-Fosselton had come in
+with him, but had gone upstairs to get ready.  In half-an-hour
+Lupin retired from the parlour, and returning in a few minutes,
+announced "Mr. Henry Irving."
+
+I must say we were all astounded.  I never saw such a resemblance.
+It was astonishing.  The only person who did not appear interested
+was the man Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puffing
+away at a foul pipe into the fireplace.  After some little time I
+said; "Why do actors always wear their hair so long?"  Carrie in a
+moment said, "Mr. Hare doesn't wear long HAIR."  How we laughed
+except Mr. Fosselton, who said, in a rather patronising kind of
+way, "The joke, Mrs. Pooter, is extremely appropriate, if not
+altogether new."  Thinking this rather a snub, I said:  "Mr.
+Fosselton, I fancy--"  He interrupted me by saying:  "Mr. BURWIN-
+Fosselton, if you please," which made me quite forget what I was
+going to say to him.  During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again
+monopolised the conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie
+and I came to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation
+of Irving.  After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too
+boisterous over his Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing
+by the collar of his coat, dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of
+course, into Gowing's neck and took a piece of flesh out.  Gowing
+was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who having declined our
+modest supper in order that he should not lose his comfortable
+chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the little
+misadventure.  I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said:
+"I suppose you would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing's eye
+out?" to which Padge replied:  "That's right," and laughed more
+than ever.  I think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we broke
+up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said:  "Good-night, Mr. Pooter.  I'm
+glad you like the imitation, I'll bring THE OTHER MAKE-UP TO-MORROW
+NIGHT."
+
+November 24.--I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief.  This
+is the second time I have done this during the last week.  I must
+be losing my memory.  Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar
+business, I would have written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him
+I should be out this evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young
+man who would come all the same.
+
+Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a
+little note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up,
+which rather amused me.  He added that his neck was still painful.
+Of course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, and
+imagine my utter disgust when that man Padge actually came again,
+and not even accompanied by Gowing.  I was exasperated, and said:
+"Mr. Padge, this is a SURPRISE."  Dear Carrie, fearing
+unpleasantness, said:  "Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge has only come to
+see the other Irving make-up."  Mr. Padge said:  "That's right,"
+and took the best chair again, from which he never moved the whole
+evening.
+
+My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an
+expensive guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter.  The
+Irving imitations and conversations occupied the whole evening,
+till I was sick of it.  Once we had a rather heated discussion,
+which was commenced by Cummings saying that it appeared to him that
+Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not only LIKE Mr. Irving, but was in his
+judgment every way as GOOD or even BETTER.  I ventured to remark
+that after all it was but an imitation of an original.
+
+Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the
+originals.  I made what I considered a very clever remark:
+"Without an original there can be no imitation."  Mr. Burwin-
+Fosselton said quite impertinently:  "Don't discuss me in my
+presence, if you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I should advise you to
+talk about what you understand;" to which that cad Padge replied:
+"That's right."  Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by suddenly
+saying:  "I'll be Ellen Terry."  Dear Carrie's imitation wasn't a
+bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the
+disagreeable discussion passed off.  When they left, I very
+pointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should
+be engaged to-morrow evening.
+
+November 25.--Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting last
+night's Irving discussion.  I was very angry, and I wrote and said
+I knew little or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least
+interested in them and positively declined to be drawn into a
+discussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading to a
+breach of friendship.  I never wrote a more determined letter.
+
+On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met
+near the Archway Daisy Mutlar.  My heart gave a leap.  I bowed
+rather stiffly, but she affected not to have seen me.  Very much
+annoyed in the evening by the laundress sending home an odd sock.
+Sarah said she sent two pairs, and the laundress declared only a
+pair and a half were sent.  I spoke to Carrie about it, but she
+rather testily replied:  "I am tired of speaking to her; you had
+better go and speak to her yourself.  She is outside."  I did so,
+but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent.
+
+Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to
+listen to the conversation, and interrupting, said:  "Don't waste
+the odd sock, old man; do an act of charity and give it to some
+poor mar with only one leg."  The laundress giggled like an idiot.
+I was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose of pinning down
+my collar, as the button had come off the back of my shirt.
+
+When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic
+joke about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter.  I
+suppose I am losing my sense of humour.  I spoke my mind pretty
+freely about Padge.  Gowing said he had met him only once before
+that evening.  He had been introduced by a friend, and as he
+(Padge) had "stood" a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some
+little return.  Upon my word, Gowing's coolness surpasses all
+belief.  Lupin came in before I could reply, and Gowing
+unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar.  Lupin shouted:  "Mind
+your own business, sir!" and bounced out of the room, slamming the
+door.  The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar--Daisy Mutlar--
+Daisy Mutlar.  Oh dear!
+
+November 26, Sunday.--The curate preached a very good sermon to-
+day--very good indeed.  His appearance is never so impressive as
+our dear old vicar's, but I am bound to say his sermons are much
+more impressive.  A rather annoying incident occurred, of which I
+must make mention.  Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite a grand lady,
+living in one of those large houses in the Camden Road, stopped to
+speak to me after church, when we were all coming out.  I must say
+I felt flattered, for she is thought a good deal of.  I suppose she
+knew me through seeing me so often take round the plate, especially
+as she always occupies the corner seat of the pew.  She is a very
+influential lady, and may have had something of the utmost
+importance to say, but unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a
+strong gust of wind came and blew my hat off into the middle of the
+road.
+
+I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in
+recovering it.  When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs.
+Fernlosse had walked on with some swell friends, and I felt I could
+not well approach her now, especially as my hat was smothered with
+mud.  I cannot say how disappointed I felt.
+
+In the evening (SUNDAY evening of all others) I found an
+impertinent note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows:
+
+
+"Dear Mr. Pooter,--Although your junior by perhaps some twenty or
+thirty years--which is sufficient reason that you ought to have a
+longer record of the things and ways in this miniature of a planet-
+-I feel it is just within the bounds of possibility that the wheels
+of your life don't travel so quickly round as those of the humble
+writer of these lines.  The dandy horse of past days has been known
+to overtake the SLOW COACH.
+
+"Do I make myself understood?
+
+"Very well, then!  Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise you to accept
+the verb. sap.  Acknowledge your defeat, and take your whipping
+gracefully; for remember you threw down the glove, and I cannot
+claim to be either mentally or physically a COWARD!
+
+"Revenons a nos moutons.
+
+"Our lives run in different grooves.  I live for MY ART--THE STAGE.
+Your life is devoted to commercial pursuits--'A life among
+Ledgers.'  My books are of different metal.  Your life in the City
+is honourable, I admit.  BUT HOW DIFFERENT!  Cannot even you see
+the ocean between us?  A channel that prevents the meeting of our
+brains in harmonious accord.  Ah!  But chacun a son gout.
+
+"I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame.  I may crawl,
+I may slip, I may even falter (we are all weak), but REACH THE TOP
+RUNG OF THE LADDER I WILL!!!  When there, my voice shall be heard,
+for I will shout to the multitudes below:  'Vici!'  For the present
+I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, forsooth, save to a
+party of friends, with here and there an enemy.
+
+"But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, 'What is the difference between
+the amateur and the professional?'
+
+"None!!!
+
+"Stay!  Yes, there is a difference.  One is PAID for doing what the
+other does as skilfully for NOTHING!
+
+"But I will be PAID, too!  For _I_, contrary to the wishes of my
+family and friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as MY
+profession.  And when the FARCE craze is over--and, MARK YOU, THAT
+WILL BE SOON--I will make my power known; for I feel--pardon my
+apparent conceit--that there is no living man who can play the
+hump-backed Richard as I FEEL and KNOW I can.
+
+"And YOU will be the first to come round and bend your head in
+submission.  There are many matters you may understand, but
+knowledge of the fine art of acting is to you an UNKNOWN QUANTITY.
+
+"Pray let this discussion cease with this letter.  Vale!
+
+Yours truly,
+
+"Burwin-Fosselton."
+
+
+I was disgusted.  When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent
+letter, and said:  "My boy, in that letter you can see the true
+character of your friend."
+
+Lupin, to my surprise, said:  "Oh yes.  He showed me the letter
+before he sent it.  I think he is right, and you ought to
+apologise."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+
+A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary.
+Lupin's opinion of 'Xmas.  Lupin's unfortunate engagement is on
+again.
+
+
+December 17.--As I open my scribbling diary I find the words
+"Oxford Michaelmas Term ends."  Why this should induce me to
+indulge in retrospective I don't know, but it does.  The last few
+weeks of my diary are of minimum interest.  The breaking off of the
+engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a different
+being, and Carrie a rather depressing companion.  She was a little
+dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer her up by reading some
+extracts from my diary; but she walked out of the room in the
+middle of the reading, without a word.  On her return, I said:
+"Did my diary bore you, darling?"
+
+She replied, to my surprise:  "I really wasn't listening, dear.  I
+was obliged to leave to give instructions to the laundress.  In
+consequence of some stuff she puts in the water, two more of
+Lupin's coloured shirts have run and he says he won't wear them."
+
+I said:  "Everything is Lupin.  It's all Lupin, Lupin, Lupin.
+There was not a single button on my shirt yesterday, but _I_ made
+no complaint."
+
+Carrie simply replied:  "You should do as all other men do, and
+wear studs.  In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons on
+the shirt-fronts."
+
+I said:  "I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none on."
+
+Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in the
+evening, and Cummings never does.  I fear they don't get on well
+with Lupin.
+
+December 18.--Yesterday I was in a retrospective vein--to-day it is
+PROSPECTIVE.  I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds.  Lupin is
+perfectly intolerable over the Daisy Mutlar business.  He won't say
+what is the cause of the breach.  He is evidently condemning her
+conduct, and yet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won't
+hear a word against her.  So what is one to do?  Another thing
+which is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin take no
+interest whatever in my diary.
+
+I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day.  I said:  "I
+was in hopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary would
+be an endless source of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of the
+chance of the remuneration which may accrue from its being
+published."
+
+Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing.  Carrie was sorry for
+this, I could see, for she said:  "I did not mean to be rude, dear
+Charlie; but truly I do not think your diary would sufficiently
+interest the public to be taken up by a publisher."
+
+I replied:  "I am sure it would prove quite as interesting as some
+of the ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately.
+Besides, it's the diary that makes the man.  Where would Evelyn and
+Pepys have been if it had not been for their diaries?"
+
+Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering
+tone, said:  "If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., we
+might get a fair price from a butterman for it."
+
+As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year will
+see the end of my diary.
+
+December 19.--The annual invitation came to spend Christmas with
+Carrie's mother--the usual family festive gathering to which we
+always look forward.  Lupin declined to go.  I was astounded, and
+expressed my surprise and disgust.  Lupin then obliged us with the
+following Radical speech:  "I hate a family gathering at Christmas.
+What does it mean?  Why someone says:  'Ah! we miss poor Uncle
+James, who was here last year,' and we all begin to snivel.
+Someone else says:  'It's two years since poor Aunt Liz used to sit
+in that corner.'  Then we all begin to snivel again.  Then another
+gloomy relation says 'Ah!  I wonder whose turn it will be next?'
+Then we all snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much;
+and they don't discover until _I_ get up that we have been seated
+thirteen at dinner."
+
+December 20.--Went to Smirksons', the drapers, in the Strand, who
+this year have turned out everything in the shop and devoted the
+whole place to the sale of Christmas cards.  Shop crowded with
+people, who seemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after
+a hurried glance at them, throw them down again.  I remarked to one
+of the young persons serving, that carelessness appeared to be a
+disease with some purchasers.  The observation was scarcely out of
+my mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a large pile of
+expensive cards in boxes one on top of the other, and threw them
+down.  The manager came forward, looking very much annoyed, and
+picking up several cards from the ground, said to one of the
+assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me:  "Put these amongst
+the sixpenny goods; they can't be sold for a shilling now."  The
+result was, I felt it my duty to buy some of these damaged cards.
+
+I had to buy more and pay more than intended.  Unfortunately I did
+not examine them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar
+card with a picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and
+the other white, and the words:  "We wish Pa a Merry Christmas."  I
+tore up the card and threw it away.  Carrie said the great
+disadvantage of going out in Society and increasing the number of
+our friends was, that we should have to send out nearly two dozen
+cards this year.
+
+December 21.--To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we follow
+the example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early.
+Most of the cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at
+night.  I shall buy all future cards in the daytime.  Lupin (who,
+ever since he has had the appointment with a stock and share
+broker, does not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings) told me
+never to rub out the pencilled price on the backs of the cards.  I
+asked him why.  Lupin said:  "Suppose your card is marked 9d.
+Well, all you have to do is to pencil a 3--and a long down-stroke
+after it--in FRONT of the ninepence, and people will think you have
+given five times the price for it."
+
+In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that
+behind the clouds the sun was shining.  He said:  "Ugh! it never
+shines on me."  I said:  "Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried
+about Daisy Mutlar.  Don't think of her any more.  You ought to
+congratulate yourself on having got off a very bad bargain.  Her
+notions are far too grand for our simple tastes."  He jumped up and
+said:  "I won't allow one word to be uttered against her.  She's
+worth the whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated,
+sloping-head of a Perkupp included."  I left the room with silent
+dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.
+
+December 23.--I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; but
+as he seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured
+to ask him where he intended to spend his Christmas.  He replied:
+"Oh, most likely at the Mutlars'."
+
+In wonderment, I said:  "What! after your engagement has been
+broken off?"
+
+Lupin said:  "Who said it is off?"
+
+I said:  "You have given us both to understand--"
+
+He interrupted me by saying:  "Well, never mind what I said.  IT IS
+ON AGAIN--THERE!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+
+I receive an insulting Christmas card.  We spend a pleasant
+Christmas at Carrie's mother's.  A Mr. Moss is rather too free.  A
+boisterous evening, during which I am struck in the dark.  I
+receive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior, respecting
+Lupin.  We miss drinking out the Old Year.
+
+
+December 24.--I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten
+shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I
+received this morning.  I never insult people; why should they
+insult me?  The worst part of the transaction is, that I find
+myself suspecting all my friends.  The handwriting on the envelope
+is evidently disguised, being written sloping the wrong way.  I
+cannot think either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing.
+Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; although I
+disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the offender.  Mr.
+Franching would be above such an act; and I don't think any of the
+Mutlars would descend to such a course.  I wonder if Pitt, that
+impudent clerk at the office, did it?  Or Mrs. Birrell, the
+charwoman, or Burwin-Fosselton?  The writing is too good for the
+former.
+
+Christmas Day.--We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and spent
+a pleasant day at Carrie's mother's.  The country was quite nice
+and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy.  We dined in the
+middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old times.  If
+everybody had a nice, UNinterfering mother-in-law, such as I have,
+what a deal of happiness there would be in the world.  Being all in
+good spirits, I proposed her health, and I made, I think, a very
+good speech.
+
+I concluded, rather neatly, by saying:  "On an occasion like this--
+whether relatives, friends, or acquaintances,--we are all inspired
+with good feelings towards each other.  We are of one mind, and
+think only of love and friendship.  Those who have quarrelled with
+absent friends should kiss and make it up.  Those who happily have
+not fallen out, can kiss all the same."
+
+I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must
+say I felt very flattered by the compliment.  That dear old
+Reverend John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and
+amusing speech, and said he should act on my suggestion respecting
+the kissing.  He then walked round the table and kissed all the
+ladies, including Carrie.  Of course one did not object to this;
+but I was more than staggered when a young fellow named Moss, who
+was a stranger to me, and who had scarcely spoken a word through
+dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprig of misletoe, and exclaimed:
+"Hulloh!  I don't see why I shouldn't be on in this scene."  Before
+one could realise what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and the
+rest of the ladies.
+
+Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed;
+but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a
+moment as to the result.  I subsequently referred to the matter to
+Carrie, but she said:  "Oh, he's not much more than a boy."  I said
+that he had a very large moustache for a boy.  Carrie replied:  "I
+didn't say he was not a nice boy."
+
+December 26.--I did not sleep very well last night; I never do in a
+strange bed.  I feel a little indigestion, which one must expect at
+this time of the year.  Carrie and I returned to Town in the
+evening.  Lupin came in late.  He said he enjoyed his Christmas,
+and added:  "I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only
+require a little more 'oof' to feel as fit as a 500 pounds
+Stradivarius."  I have long since given up trying to understand
+Lupin's slang, or asking him to explain it.
+
+December 27.--I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings to
+drop in to-morrow evening for a quiet game.  I was in hope the boy
+would volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them.  Instead of
+which, he said:  "Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked
+Daisy and Frank Mutlar to come."  I said I could not think of doing
+such a thing.  Lupin said:  "Then I will send a wire, and put off
+Daisy."  I suggested that a post-card or letter would reach her
+quite soon enough, and would not be so extravagant.
+
+Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent
+annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin.  She said:
+"Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting your father's friends?
+Is it because they are not good enough for her, or (which is
+equally possible) SHE is not good enough for them?"  Lupin was
+dumbfounded, and could make no reply.  When he left the room, I
+gave Carrie a kiss of approval.
+
+December 28--Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his
+mother:  "I have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them
+to join Gowing and Cummings this evening."  I felt very pleased
+with the boy for this.  Carrie said, in reply:  "I am glad you let
+me know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, dress
+it with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been cut."
+She further said she would make a few custards, and stew some
+pippins, so that they would be cold by the evening.
+
+Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had
+any personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings.  He replied:
+"Not in the least.  I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that
+is partly due to his patronising 'the three-and-six-one-price hat
+company,' and wearing a reach-me-down frock-coat.  As for that
+perpetual brown velveteen jacket of Gowing's--why, he resembles an
+itinerant photographer."
+
+I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon
+Lupin, with a laugh, replied:  "No, and it wasn't much of a
+gentleman who made their coats."
+
+We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very
+agreeable, especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she
+sang.  At supper, however, she said:  "Can you make tee-to-tums
+with bread?" and she commenced rolling up pieces of bread, and
+twisting them round on the table.  I felt this to be bad manners,
+but of course said nothing.  Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my
+disgust, began throwing bread-pills at each other.  Frank followed
+suit, and so did Cummings and Gowing, to my astonishment.  They
+then commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece catching me
+on the forehead, and making me blink.  I said:  "Steady, please;
+steady!"  Frank jumped up and said:  "Tum, tum; then the band
+played."
+
+I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued
+the bread-battle.  Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the
+cold mutton, and threw it full in my face.  I looked daggers at
+Gowing, who replied:  "I say, it's no good trying to look
+indignant, with your hair full of parsley."  I rose from the table,
+and insisted that a stop should be put to this foolery at once.
+Frank Mutlar shouted:  "Time, gentlemen, please! time!" and turned
+out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.
+
+I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received a
+hard intentional punch at the back of my head.  I said loudly:
+"Who did that?"  There was no answer; so I repeated the question,
+with the same result.  I struck a match, and lighted the gas.  They
+were all talking and laughing, so I kept my own counsel; but, after
+they had gone, I said to Carrie; "The person who sent me that
+insulting post-card at Christmas was here to-night."
+
+December 29.--I had a most vivid dream last night.  I woke up, and
+on falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely.  I
+dreamt I heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only
+sent me the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the
+one who punched my head last night in the dark.  As fate would have
+it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a letter he had
+just received from Frank.
+
+I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing.
+He did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing
+the Christmas card.  I detected a similarity in the writing, in
+spite of the attempted disguise.  I passed them on to Carrie, who
+began to laugh.  I asked her what she was laughing at, and she said
+the card was never directed to me at all.  It was "L. Pooter," not
+"C. Pooter."  Lupin asked to look at the direction and the card,
+and exclaimed, with a laugh:  "Oh yes, Guv., it's meant for me."
+
+I said:  "Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas
+cards?"  He replied:  "Oh yes, and of SENDING them, too."
+
+In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much
+last night.  I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old
+friend, about the vicious punch last night.  He burst out laughing,
+and said:  "Oh, it was YOUR HEAD, was it?  I know I accidentally
+hit something, but I thought it was a brick wall."  I told him I
+felt hurt, in both senses of the expression.
+
+December 30, Sunday.--Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars.
+He seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said:  "I'm glad to
+see you so happy, Lupin."  He answered:  "Well, Daisy is a splendid
+girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of a father down a
+peg.  What with his meanness over his cigars, his stinginess over
+his drinks, his farthing economy in turning down the gas if you
+only quit the room for a second, writing to one on half-sheets of
+note-paper, sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap on to the
+new cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace, and his
+general 'outside-halfpenny-'bus-ness,' I was compelled to let him
+have a bit of my mind."  I said:  "Lupin, you are not much more
+than a boy; I hope you won't repent it."
+
+December 31.--The last day of the Old Year.  I received an
+extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior.  He writes:  "Dear
+Sir,--For a long time past I have had considerable difficulty
+deciding the important question, 'Who is the master of my own
+house?  Myself, or YOUR SON Lupin?'  Believe me, I have no
+prejudice one way or the other; but I have been most reluctantly
+compelled to give judgment to the effect that I am the master of
+it.  Under the circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid your
+son to enter my house again.  I am sorry, because it deprives me of
+the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly
+persons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with."
+
+I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said
+nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.
+
+A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but
+promised to be back to drink out the Old Year--a custom we have
+always observed.  At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned,
+and the fog was fearful.  As time was drawing close, I got out the
+spirits.  Carrie and I deciding on whisky, I opened a fresh bottle;
+but Carrie said it smelt like brandy.  As I knew it to be whisky, I
+said there was nothing to discuss.  Carrie, evidently vexed that
+Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me
+to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell.  I said I
+could decide it by the taste in a moment.  A silly and unnecessary
+argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it was a
+quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married life,
+we missed welcoming in the New Year.  Lupin got home at a quarter-
+past two, having got lost in the fog--so he said.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+
+Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office.  I make
+two good jokes.  I get an enormous rise in my salary.  Lupin
+speculates successfully and starts a pony-trap.  Have to speak to
+Sarah.  Extraordinary conduct of Gowing's.
+
+
+January 1.--I had intended concluding my diary last week; but a
+most important event has happened, so I shall continue for a little
+while longer on the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last
+year's diary.  It had just struck half-past one, and I was on the
+point of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received a
+message that Mr. Perkupp desired to see me at once.  I must confess
+that my heart commenced to beat and I had most serious misgivings.
+
+Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said:  "Take a seat,
+Mr. Pooter, I shall not be moment."
+
+I replied:  "No, thank you, sir; I'll stand."
+
+I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite
+twenty minutes; but it seemed hours.  Mr. Perkupp at last got up
+himself.
+
+I said:  "I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?"
+
+He replied:  "Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope."  What a
+weight off my mind!  My breath seemed to come back again in an
+instant.
+
+Mr. Perkupp said:  "Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there will
+be some slight changes in the office.  You have been with us nearly
+twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during that
+period, we intend making a special promotion in your favour.  We
+have not quite decided how you will be placed; but in any case
+there will be a considerable increase in your salary, which, it is
+quite unnecessary for me to say, you fully deserve.  I have an
+appointment at two; but you shall hear more to-morrow."
+
+He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or
+thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to him.  I need
+not say how dear Carrie received this joyful news.  With perfect
+simplicity she said:  "At last we shall be able to have a chimney-
+glass for the back drawing-room, which we always wanted."  I added:
+"Yes, and at last you shall have that little costume which you saw
+at Peter Robinson's so cheap."
+
+January 2.--I was in a great state of suspense all day at the
+office.  I did not like to worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not
+send for me, and mentioned yesterday that he would see me again to-
+day, I thought it better, perhaps, to go to him.  I knocked at his
+door, and on entering, Mr. Perkupp said:  "Oh! it's you, Mr.
+Pooter; do you want to see me?"  I said:  "No, sir, I thought you
+wanted to see me!"  "Oh!" he replied, "I remember.  Well, I am very
+busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow."
+
+January 3.--Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was
+not alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should
+not be at the office to-day.  In the evening, Lupin, who was busily
+engaged with a paper, said suddenly to me:  "Do you know anything
+about CHALK PITS, Guv.?"  I said:  "No, my boy, not that I'm aware
+of."  Lupin said:  "Well, I give you the tip; CHALK PITS are as
+safe as Consols, and pay six per cent. at par."  I said a rather
+neat thing, viz.:  "They may be six per cent. at PAR, but your PA
+has no money to invest."  Carrie and I both roared with laughter.
+Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the joke, although I
+purposely repeated it for him; but continued:  "I give you the tip,
+that's all--CHALK PITS!"  I said another funny thing:  "Mind you
+don't fall into them!"  Lupin put on a supercilious smile, and
+said:  "Bravo!  Joe Miller."
+
+January 4.--Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position
+would be that of one of the senior clerks.  I was more than
+overjoyed.  Mr. Perkupp added, he would let me know to-morrow what
+the salary would be.  This means another day's anxiety; I don't
+mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort.  That reminded me that I
+had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I received from
+Mr. Mutlar, senr.  I broached the subject to Lupin in the evening,
+having first consulted Carrie.  Lupin was riveted to the Financial
+News, as if he had been a born capitalist, and I said:  "Pardon me
+a moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to the Mutlars' any
+day this week?"
+
+Lupin answered:  "I told you!  I cannot stand old Mutlar."
+
+I said:  "Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he
+cannot stand you!"
+
+Lupin said:  "Well, I like his cheek in writing to YOU.  I'll find
+out if his father is still alive, and I will write HIM a note
+complaining of HIS son, and I'll state pretty clearly that his son
+is a blithering idiot!"
+
+I said:  "Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence
+of your mother."
+
+Lupin said:  "I'm very sorry, but there is no other expression one
+can apply to him.  However, I'm determined not to enter his place
+again."
+
+I said:  "You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house."
+
+Lupin replied:  "Well, we won't split straws--it's all the same.
+Daisy is a trump, and will wait for me ten years, if necessary."
+
+January 5.--I can scarcely write the news.  Mr. Perkupp told me my
+salary would be raised 100 pounds!  I stood gaping for a moment
+unable to realise it.  I annually get 10 pounds rise, and I thought
+it might be 15 pounds or even 20 pounds; but 100 pounds surpasses
+all belief.  Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good fortune.
+Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits.  I sent
+Sarah quietly round to the grocer's for a bottle of champagne, the
+same as we had before, "Jackson Freres."  It was opened at supper,
+and I said to Lupin:  "This is to celebrate some good news I have
+received to-day."  Lupin replied:  "Hooray, Guv.!  And I have some
+good news, also; a double event, eh?"  I said:  "My boy, as a
+result of twenty-one years' industry and strict attention to the
+interests of my superiors in office, I have been rewarded with
+promotion and a rise in salary of 100 pounds."
+
+Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which
+brought in Sarah to see what the matter was.  Lupin ordered us to
+"fill up" again, and addressing us upstanding, said:  "Having been
+in the firm of Job Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks,
+and not having paid particular attention to the interests of my
+superiors in office, my Guv'nor, as a reward to me, allotted me 5
+pounds worth of shares in a really good thing.  The result is, to-
+day I have made 200 pounds."  I said:  "Lupin, you are joking."
+"No, Guv., it's the good old truth; Job Cleanands PUT ME ON TO
+CHLORATES."
+
+January 21.--I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a
+pony-trap.  I said:  "Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous
+extravagance?"  Lupin replied:  "Well, one must get to the City
+somehow.  I've only hired it, and can give it up any time I like."
+I repeated my question:  "Are you justified in this extravagance?"
+He replied:  "Look here, Guv., excuse me saying so, but you're a
+bit out of date.  It does not pay nowadays, fiddling about over
+small things.  I don't mean anything personal, Guv'nor.  My boss
+says if I take his tip, and stick to big things, I can make big
+money!"  I said I thought the very idea of speculation most
+horrifying.  Lupin said "It is not speculation, it's a dead cert."
+I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and cart;
+but he replied:  "I made 200 pounds in one day; now suppose I only
+make 200 pounds in a month, or put it at 100 pounds a month, which
+is ridiculously low--why, that is 1,250 pounds a year.  What's a
+few pounds a week for a trap?"
+
+I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should
+feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and
+responsible for his own debts.  He answered:  "My dear Guv., I
+promise you faithfully that I will never speculate with what I have
+not got.  I shall only go on Job Cleanands' tips, and as he is in
+the 'know' it is pretty safe sailing."  I felt somewhat relieved.
+Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise, informed me that,
+as he had made 10 pounds by one of Lupin's tips, he intended asking
+us and the Cummings round next Saturday.  Carrie and I said we
+should be delighted.
+
+January 22.--I don't generally lose my temper with servants; but I
+had to speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has
+recently contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the
+breakfast things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall
+on the carpet, eventually to be trodden in.  Sarah answered very
+rudely:  "Oh, you are always complaining."  I replied:  "Indeed, I
+am not.  I spoke to you last week about walking all over the
+drawing-room carpet with a piece of yellow soap on the heel of your
+boot."  She said:  "And you're always grumbling about your
+breakfast."  I said:  "No, I am not; but I feel perfectly justified
+in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled egg.  The moment
+I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, and I have spoken
+to you at least fifty times about it."  She began to cry and make a
+scene; but fortunately my 'bus came by, so I had a good excuse for
+leaving her.  Gowing left a message in the evening, that we were
+not to forget next Saturday.  Carrie amusingly said:  As he has
+never asked any friends before, we are not likely to forget it.
+
+January 23.--I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes, he
+recently made me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hair-
+dresser tells me I ought not to brush my hair too much just now.
+
+January 24.--The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-
+room.  Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on
+each side.  It is an immense improvement to the room.
+
+January 25.--We had just finished our tea, when who should come in
+but Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks.  I
+noticed that he looked anything but well, so I said:  "Well,
+Cummings, how are you?  You look a little blue."  He replied:
+"Yes! and I feel blue too."  I said:  "Why, what's the matter?"  He
+said:  "Oh, nothing, except that I have been on my back for a
+couple of weeks, that's all.  At one time my doctor nearly gave me
+up, yet not a soul has come near me.  No one has even taken the
+trouble to inquire whether I was alive or dead."
+
+I said:  "This is the first I have heard of it.  I have passed your
+house several nights, and presumed you had company, as the rooms
+were so brilliantly lighted."
+
+Cummings replied:  "No!  The only company I have had was my wife,
+the doctor, and the landlady--the last-named having turned out a
+perfect trump.  I wonder you did not see it in the paper.  I know
+it was mentioned in the Bicycle News."
+
+I thought to cheer him up, and said:  "Well, you are all right
+now?"
+
+He replied:  "That's not the question.  The question is whether an
+illness does not enable you to discover who are your TRUE friends."
+
+I said such an observation was unworthy of him.  To make matters
+worse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the
+back, and said:  "Hulloh!  Have you seen a ghost?  You look scared
+to death, like Irving in Macbeth."  I said:  "Gently, Gowing, the
+poor fellow has been very ill."  Gowing roared with laughter and
+said:  "Yes, and you look it, too."  Cummings quietly said:  "Yes,
+and I feel it too--not that I suppose you care."
+
+An awkward silence followed.  Gowing said:  "Never mind, Cummings,
+you and the missis come round to my place to-morrow, and it will
+cheer you up a bit; for we'll open a bottle of wine."
+
+January 26.--An extraordinary thing happened.  Carrie and I went
+round to Gowing's, as arranged, at half-past seven.  We knocked and
+rang several times without getting an answer.  At last the latch
+was drawn and the door opened a little way, the chain still being
+up.  A man in shirt-sleeves put his head through and said:  "Who is
+it?  What do you want?" I said:  "Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us."
+The man said (as well as I could hear, owing to the yapping of a
+little dog):  "I don't think he is.  Mr. Gowing is not at home."  I
+said:  "He will be in directly."
+
+With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and me
+standing on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner.
+
+Carrie advised me to knock again.  I did so, and then discovered
+for the first time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the
+paint had come off on my gloves--which were, in consequence,
+completely spoiled.
+
+I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.
+
+The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and began
+abusing me.  He said:  "What do you mean by scratching the paint
+with your stick like that, spoiling the varnish?  You ought to be
+ashamed of yourself."
+
+I said:  "Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited--"
+
+He interrupted and said:  "I don't care for Mr. Gowing, or any of
+his friends.  This is MY door, not Mr. Gowing's.  There are people
+here besides Mr. Gowing."
+
+The impertinence of this man was nothing.  I scarcely noticed it,
+it was so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of
+Gowing.
+
+At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived.  Cummings was very
+lame and leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what
+the matter was.
+
+The man said:  "Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone.
+All he said was he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and
+he should not be back till Monday evening.  He took his bag with
+him."
+
+With that he slammed the door again.  I was too indignant with
+Gowing's conduct to say anything.  Cummings looked white with rage,
+and as he descended the steps struck his stick violently on the
+ground and said:  "Scoundrel!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+
+Gowing explains his conduct.  Lupin takes us for a drive, which we
+don't enjoy.  Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.
+
+
+February 8.--It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages for
+breakfast.  They are either full of bread or spice, or are as red
+as beef.  Still anxious about the 20 pounds I invested last week by
+Lupin's advice.  However, Cummings has done the same.
+
+February 9.--Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither
+seen nor heard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in
+asking us round to his house, and then being out.  In the evening
+Carrie was engaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had
+purchased.  I'll back Carrie's marking against anybody's.  While I
+was drying them at the fire, and Carrie was rebuking me for
+scorching them, Cummings came in.
+
+He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the
+collars.  I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied
+that he had not.  I said I should not have believed that Gowing
+could have acted in such an ungentlemanly manner.  Cummings said:
+"You are mild in your description of him; I think he has acted like
+a cad."
+
+The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, and
+Gowing, putting in his head, said:  "May I come in?"  I said:
+"Certainly."  Carrie said very pointedly:  "Well, you ARE a
+stranger."  Gowing said:  "Yes, I've been on and off to Croydon
+during the last fortnight."  I could see Cummings was boiling over,
+and eventually he tackled Gowing very strongly respecting his
+conduct last Saturday week.  Gowing appeared surprised, and said:
+"Why, I posted a letter to you in the morning announcing that the
+party was 'off, very much off.'"  I said:  "I never got it."
+Gowing, turning to Carrie, said:  "I suppose letters sometimes
+MISCARRY, don't they, MRS. Carrie?"  Cummings sharply said:  "This
+is not a time for joking.  I had no notice of the party being put
+off."  Gowing replied:  "I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I
+was in a hurry.  However, I'll inquire at the post-office, and we
+must meet again at my place."  I added that I hoped he would be
+present at the next meeting.  Carrie roared at this, and even
+Cummings could not help laughing.
+
+February 10, Sunday.--Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin
+to persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his
+trap.  I quite disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not
+like to trust Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too.
+Lupin said:  "Now, that is nice of you, Guv., but you won't mind
+sitting on the back-seat of the cart?"
+
+Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles too
+large for him.  Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the
+back.  Lupin said:  "Haven't you seen a box-coat before?  You can't
+drive in anything else."
+
+He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive
+with him again.  His conduct was shocking.  When we passed Highgate
+Archway, he tried to pass everything and everybody.  He shouted to
+respectable people who were walking quietly in the road to get out
+of the way; he flicked at the horse of an old man who was riding,
+causing it to rear; and, as I had to ride backwards, I was
+compelled to face a gang of roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had
+chaffed, and who turned and followed us for nearly a mile,
+bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say nothing
+of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel.
+
+Lupin's excuse--that the Prince of Wales would have to put up with
+the same sort of thing if he drove to the Derby--was of little
+consolation to either Carrie or myself.  Frank Mutlar called in the
+evening, and Lupin went out with him.
+
+February 11.--Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered up
+courage to speak to Mr. Perkupp about him.  Mr. Perkupp has always
+been most kind to me, so I told him everything, including
+yesterday's adventure.  Mr. Perkupp kindly replied:  "There is no
+necessity for you to be anxious, Mr. Pooter.  It would be
+impossible for a son of such good parents to turn out erroneously.
+Remember he is young, and will soon get older.  I wish we could
+find room for him in this firm."  The advice of this good man takes
+loads off my mind.  In the evening Lupin came in.
+
+After our little supper, he said:  "My dear parents, I have some
+news, which I fear will affect you considerably."  I felt a qualm
+come over me, and said nothing.  Lupin then said:  "It may distress
+you--in fact, I'm sure it will--but this afternoon I have given up
+my pony and trap for ever."  It may seem absurd, but I was so
+pleased, I immediately opened a bottle of port.  Gowing dropped in
+just in time, bringing with him a large sheet, with a print of a
+tailless donkey, which he fastened against the wall.  He then
+produced several separate tails, and we spent the remainder of the
+evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in the proper place.
+My sides positively ached with laughter when I went to bed.
+
+February 12.--In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement
+with Daisy Mutlar.  I asked if he had heard from her.  He replied:
+"No; she promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she
+would not communicate with me.  I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in
+fact, he said he might call again this evening."  Frank called, but
+said he could not stop, as he had a friend waiting outside for him,
+named Murray Posh, adding he was quite a swell.  Carrie asked Frank
+to bring him in.
+
+He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time.  Mr. Murray
+Posh was a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervous
+disposition, as he subsequently confessed he would never go in a
+hansom cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler until the driver had
+first got on the box with his reins in his hands.
+
+On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said:
+"Any relation to 'Posh's three-shilling hats'?"  Mr. Posh replied:
+"Yes; but please understand I don't try on hats myself.  I take no
+ACTIVE part in the business."  I replied:  "I wish I had a business
+like it."  Mr. Posh seemed pleased, and gave a long but most
+interesting history of the extraordinary difficulties in the
+manufacture of cheap hats.
+
+Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the
+way he was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once,
+laughingly:  "If you don't look out, Posh will cut you out!"  When
+they had all gone, I referred to this flippant conversation; and
+Lupin said, sarcastically:  "A man who is jealous has no respect
+for himself.  A man who would be jealous of an elephant like Murray
+Posh could only have a contempt for himself.  I know Daisy.  She
+WOULD wait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, if
+necessary, SHE WOULD WAIT TWENTY YEARS FOR ME."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+
+We lose money over Lupin's advice as to investment, so does
+Cummings.  Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar.
+
+
+February 18.--Carrie has several times recently called attention to
+the thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me
+to get it seen to.  I was this morning trying to look at it by the
+aid of a small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the
+edge of the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand
+and smashed it.  Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she is
+rather absurdly superstitious.  To make matters worse, my large
+photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, and the glass
+cracked.
+
+Carrie said:  "Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about to
+happen."
+
+I said:  "Nonsense, dear."
+
+In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little
+agitated.  I said:  "What's up, my boy?"  He hesitated a good deal,
+and then said:  "You know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you
+to invest 20 pounds in?  I replied:  "Yes, they are all right, I
+trust?"  He replied:  "Well, no!  To the surprise of everybody,
+they have utterly collapsed."
+
+My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing.
+Carrie looked at me, and said:  "What did I tell you?"  Lupin,
+after a while, said:  "However, you are specially fortunate.  I
+received an early tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was
+fortunate to get 2 pounds for them.  So you get something after
+all."
+
+I gave a sigh of relief.  I said:  "I was not so sanguine as to
+suppose, as you predicted, that I should get six or eight times the
+amount of my investment; still a profit of 2 pounds is a good
+percentage for such a short time."  Lupin said, quite irritably:
+"You don't understand.  I sold your 20 pounds shares for 2 pounds;
+you therefore lose 18 pounds on the transaction, whereby Cummings
+and Gowing will lose the whole of theirs."
+
+February 19.--Lupin, before going to town, said:  "I am very sorry
+about those Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the
+boss, Job Cleanands, had been in town.  Between ourselves, you must
+not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office.  Job
+Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it strikes me
+several people DO want to see him very particularly."
+
+In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a
+collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the
+room, without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, "May I
+come in?"
+
+He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be
+in the very best of spirits.  Neither Lupin nor I broached the
+subject to him, but he did so of his own accord.  He said:  "I say,
+those Parachikka Chlorates have gone an awful smash!  You're a nice
+one, Master Lupin.  How much do you lose?"  Lupin, to my utter
+astonishment, said:  "Oh!  I had nothing in them.  There was some
+informality in my application--I forgot to enclose the cheque or
+something, and I didn't get any.  The Guv. loses 18 pounds."  I
+said:  "I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have
+induced me to speculate."  Lupin replied:  "Well, it can't be
+helped; you must go double on the next tip."  Before I could reply,
+Gowing said:  "Well, I lose nothing, fortunately.  From what I
+heard, I did not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to
+take my 15 pounds worth, as he had more faith in them than I had."
+
+Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said:
+"Alas, poor Cummings.  He'll lose 35 pounds."  At that moment there
+was a ring at the bell.  Lupin said:  "I don't want to meet
+Cummings."  If he had gone out of the door he would have met him in
+the passage, so as quickly as possible Lupin opened the parlour
+window and got out.  Gowing jumped up suddenly, exclaiming:  "I
+don't want to see him either!" and, before I could say a word, he
+followed Lupin out of the window.
+
+For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my
+most intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of
+interrupted burglars.  Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course
+was naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing.  I pressed him
+to have a little whisky, and he replied that he had given up
+whisky; but would like a little "Unsweetened," as he was advised it
+was the most healthy spirit.  I had none in the house, but sent
+Sarah round to Lockwood's for some.
+
+February 20.--The first thing that caught my eye on opening the
+Standard was--"Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers!  Mr. Job
+Cleanands absconded!"  I handed it to Carrie, and she replied:
+"Oh! perhaps it's for Lupin's good.  I never did think it a
+suitable situation for him."  I thought the whole affair very
+shocking.
+
+Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully
+distressed, I said:  "We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very
+sorry for you."  Lupin said:  "How did you know? who told you?"  I
+handed him the Standard.  He threw the paper down, and said:  "Oh I
+don't care a button for that!  I expected that, but I did not
+expect this."  He then read a letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing,
+in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar is to be married next month to
+Murray Posh.  I exclaimed, "Murray Posh!  Is not that the very man
+Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday week?"  Lupin
+said:  "Yes; the 'POSH'S-THREE-SHILLING-HATS' chap."
+
+We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.
+
+In fact, I could eat nothing.  I was not only too worried, but I
+cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon.  If I cannot get streaky
+bacon, I will do without anything.
+
+When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his
+face.  I asked him what it meant.  He replied:  "Oh! only a little
+consolation--still it is a consolation.  I have just remembered
+that, by MY advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested 600 pounds in
+Parachikka Chlorates!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+
+Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh.  The dream of my life
+realised.  Mr. Perkupp takes Lupin into the office.
+
+
+March 20.--To-day being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr.
+Murray Posh are to be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to
+spend the day at Gravesend.  Lupin has been much cut-up over the
+affair, although he declares that he is glad it is off.  I wish he
+would not go to so many music-halls, but one dare not say anything
+to him about it.  At the present moment he irritates me by singing
+all over the house some nonsense about "What's the matter with
+Gladstone?  He's all right!  What's the matter with Lupin?  He's
+all right!"  _I_ don't think either of them is.  In the evening
+Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation was Daisy's
+marriage to Murray Posh.  I said:  "I was glad the matter was at an
+end, as Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin."  Gowing, with
+his usual good taste, said:  "Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of
+himself without any assistance."  Carrie very properly resented
+this, and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.
+
+March 21.--To-day I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of the
+happiest days of my life.  My great dream of the last few weeks--in
+fact, of many years--has been realised.  This morning came a letter
+from Mr. Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the office with
+me.  I went to Lupin's room; poor fellow, he seemed very pale, and
+said he had a bad headache.  He had come back yesterday from
+Gravesend, where he spent part of the day in a small boat on the
+water, having been mad enough to neglect to take his overcoat with
+him.  I showed him Mr. Perkupp's letter, and he got up as quickly
+as possible.  I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured
+clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking.
+
+Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she
+could keep on saying was:  "Oh, I DO hope it will be all right."
+For myself, I could scarcely eat any breakfast.  Lupin came down
+dressed quietly, and looking a perfect gentleman, except that his
+face was rather yellow.  Carrie, by way of encouragement said:
+"You do look nice, Lupin."  Lupin replied:  "Yes, it's a good make-
+up, isn't it?  A regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-
+class-City-firm-junior-clerk."  He laughed rather ironically.
+
+In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah
+to fetch down his old hat.  I went into the passage, and found
+Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat.  I said:
+"Lupin, my boy, what are you doing?  How wicked of you!  Some poor
+fellow would be glad to have it."  Lupin replied:  "I would not
+insult any poor fellow by giving it to him."
+
+When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw
+inside "Posh's Patent."  Poor Lupin!  I can forgive him.  It seemed
+hours before we reached the office.  Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin,
+who was with him nearly an hour.  He returned, as I thought,
+crestfallen in appearance.  I said:  "Well, Lupin, how about Mr.
+Perkupp?"  Lupin commenced his song:  "What's the matter with
+Perkupp?  He's all right!"  I felt instinctively my boy was
+engaged.  I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I could not speak.  He said:
+"Well, Mr. Pooter, what is it?"  I must have looked a fool, for all
+I could say was:  "Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man."  He looked at
+me for a moment, and said:  "No, Mr. Pooter, YOU are the good man;
+and we'll see if we cannot get your son to follow such an excellent
+example."  I said:  "Mr. Perkupp, may I go home?  I cannot work any
+more to-day."
+
+My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head.  It was
+as much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the 'bus; in
+fact, I should have done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted
+by Lupin, who was having a quarrel with a fat man in the 'bus, whom
+he accused of taking up too much room.
+
+In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and
+his wife, and also to Gowing.  We all sat round the fire, and in a
+bottle of "Jackson Freres," which Sarah fetched from the grocer's,
+drank Lupin's health.  I lay awake for hours, thinking of the
+future.  My boy in the same office as myself--we can go down
+together by the 'bus, come home together, and who knows but in the
+course of time he may take great interest in our little home.  That
+he may help me to put a nail in here or a nail in there, or help
+his dear mother to hang a picture.  In the summer he may help us in
+our little garden with the flowers, and assist us to paint the
+stands and pots.  (By-the-by, I must get in some more enamel
+paint.)  All this I thought over and over again, and a thousand
+happy thoughts beside.  I heard the clock strike four, and soon
+after fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people--Lupin, dear
+Carrie, and myself.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+
+Trouble with a stylographic pen.  We go to a Volunteer Ball, where
+I am let in for an expensive supper.  Grossly insulted by a cabman.
+An odd invitation to Southend.
+
+
+April 8.--No events of any importance, except that Gowing strongly
+recommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me nine-and-
+sixpence, and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud.
+It has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper.
+The ink oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once
+at the office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk
+to jerk the ink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called
+out:  "Stop that knocking!  I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?"  That
+young monkey, Pitt, took a malicious glee in responding quite
+loudly:  "No, sir; I beg pardon, it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it
+has been going on all the morning."  To make matters worse, I saw
+Lupin laughing behind his desk.  I thought it wiser to say nothing.
+I took the pen back to the shop and asked them if they would take
+it back, as it did not act.  I did not expect the full price
+returned, but was willing to take half.  The man said he could not
+do that--buying and selling were two different things.  Lupin's
+conduct during the period he has been in Mr. Perkupp's office has
+been most exemplary.  My only fear is, it is too good to last.
+
+April 9.--Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrie
+and myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which
+he thought would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton
+(Sir William Grime) had promised his patronage.  We accepted of his
+kindness, and he stayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable
+for trying a bottle of the sparkling Algera that Mr. James (of
+Sutton) had sent as a present.  Gowing sipped the wine, observing
+that he had never tasted it before, and further remarked that his
+policy was to stick to more recognised brands.  I told him it was a
+present from a dear friend, and one mustn't look a gift-horse in
+the mouth.  Gowing facetiously replied:  "And he didn't like
+putting it in the mouth either."
+
+I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting
+it myself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for
+them.  The sparkling Algera is very like cider, only more sour.  I
+suggested that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid.  He
+merely replied:  "Oh! I don't think so."  We had a very pleasant
+game of cards, though I lost four shillings and Carrie lost one,
+and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence:  how he could have
+lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only other players,
+remains a mystery.
+
+April 14, Sunday.--Owing, I presume, to the unsettled weather, I
+awoke with a feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight
+as a drum.  Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane,
+members of our congregation who had walked back with us, I was much
+annoyed to find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path,
+evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who,
+whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside their
+conservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and
+imitating birds.
+
+April 15.--Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce,
+through that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before
+putting it on the table.
+
+April 16.--The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball.  On my
+advice, Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful
+in at the Mansion House, for it had occurred to me, being a
+military ball, that Mr. Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in
+the Honorary Artillery Company, would in all probability be
+present.  Lupin, in his usual incomprehensible language, remarked
+that he had heard it was a "bounders' ball."  I didn't ask him what
+he meant though I didn't understand.  Where he gets these
+expressions from I don't know; he certainly doesn't learn them at
+home.
+
+The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we
+arrived an hour later we should be in good time, without being
+"unfashionable," as Mrs. James says.  It was very difficult to
+find--the cabman having to get down several times to inquire at
+different public-houses where the Drill Hall was.  I wonder at
+people living in such out-of-the-way places.  No one seemed to know
+it.  However, after going up and down a good many badly-lighted
+streets we arrived at our destination.  I had no idea it was so far
+from Holloway.  I gave the cabman five shillings, who only
+grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and was
+impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to
+take a 'bus.
+
+Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that it
+was better late than never.  He seemed a very good-looking
+gentleman though, as Carrie remarked, "rather short for an
+officer."  He begged to be excused for leaving us, as he was
+engaged for a dance, and hoped we should make ourselves at home.
+Carrie took my arm and we walked round the rooms two or three times
+and watched the people dancing.  I couldn't find a single person I
+knew, but attributed it to most of them being in uniform.  As we
+were entering the supper-room I received a slap on the shoulder,
+followed by a welcome shake of the hand.  I said:  "Mr. Padge, I
+believe;" he replied, "That's right."
+
+I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made
+herself at home with Carrie at once.
+
+There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne,
+claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless
+of expense.  Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular
+liking for, but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that
+I asked him to sit at our table, and I must say that for a short
+fat man he looked well in uniform, although I think his tunic was
+rather baggy in the back.  It was the only supper-room that I have
+been in that was not over-crowded; in fact we were the only people
+there, everybody being so busy dancing.
+
+I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said her
+name was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the
+bottle to Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying:  "You must look after
+yourself."  He replied:  "That's right," and poured out half a
+tumbler and drank Carrie's health, coupled, as he said, "with her
+worthy lord and master."  We all had some splendid pigeon pie, and
+ices to follow.
+
+The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like some
+more wine.  I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also
+some people who had just come from the dancing-room, who were very
+civil.  It occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the
+gentlemen knew me in the City, as they were so polite.  I made
+myself useful, and assisted several ladies to ices, remembering an
+old saying that "There is nothing lost by civility."
+
+The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball-
+room.  The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the
+dancing, and as I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge
+offered his arms to them and escorted them to the ball-room,
+telling me to follow.  I said to Mr. Padge:  "It is quite a West
+End affair," to which remark Mr. Padge replied:  "That's right."
+
+When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter
+who had been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on
+the shoulder.  I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball
+to expect a tip, but nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been
+very attentive.  He smilingly replied:  "I beg your pardon, sir,
+this is no good," alluding to the shilling.  "Your party's had four
+suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s., three bottles of champagne
+at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny cigar for the stout
+gentleman--in all 3 pounds 0s. 6d.!"
+
+I don't think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only
+sufficient breath to inform him that I had received a private
+invitation, to which he answered that he was perfectly well aware
+of that; but that the invitation didn't include eatables and
+drinkables.  A gentleman who was standing at the bar corroborated
+the waiter's statement, and assured me it was quite correct.
+
+The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any
+misapprehension; but it was not his fault.  Of course there was
+nothing to be done but to pay.  So, after turning out my pockets, I
+just managed to scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but
+the manager, on my giving my card to him, said:  "That's all
+right."
+
+I don't think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I
+determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would
+entirely destroy the pleasant evening she was enjoying.  I felt
+there was no more enjoyment for me that evening, and it being late,
+I sought Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin.  Carrie said she was quite ready
+to go, and Mrs. Lupkin, as we were wishing her "Good-night," asked
+Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend?  On my
+replying that I hadn't been there for many years, she very kindly
+said:  "Well, why don't you come down and stay at our place?"  As
+her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carrie wished to
+go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay
+till Monday.  Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow,
+giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.
+
+When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that the
+roads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great
+difficulty in getting a cabman to take us to Holloway.  After
+waiting a bit, a man said he would drive us, anyhow, as far as "The
+Angel," at Islington, and we could easily get another cab from
+there.  It was a tedious journey; the rain was beating against the
+windows and trickling down the inside of the cab.
+
+When we arrived at "The Angel" the horse seemed tired out.  Carrie
+got out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay, to my
+absolute horror I remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie.  I
+explained to the cabman how we were situated.  Never in my life
+have I ever been so insulted; the cabman, who was a rough bully and
+to my thinking not sober, called me every name he could lay his
+tongue to, and positively seized me by the beard, which he pulled
+till the tears came into my eyes.  I took the number of a policeman
+(who witnessed the assault) for not taking the man in charge.  The
+policeman said he couldn't interfere, that he had seen no assault,
+and that people should not ride in cabs without money.
+
+We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when
+I got in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word
+for word, as I intend writing to the Telegraph for the purpose of
+proposing that cabs should be driven only by men under Government
+control, to prevent civilians being subjected to the disgraceful
+insult and outrage that I had had to endure.
+
+April 17.--No water in our cistern again.  Sent for Putley, who
+said he would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc.
+
+April 18.--Water all right again in the cistern.  Mrs. James, of
+Sutton, called in the afternoon.  She and Carrie draped the
+mantelpiece in the drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs
+and beetles all over it, as Mrs. James says it's quite the fashion.
+It was Mrs. James' suggestion, and of course Carrie always does
+what Mrs. James suggests.  For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece
+as it was; but there, I'm a plain man, and don't pretend to be in
+the fashion.
+
+April 19.--Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a
+rather offensive tone accused me, or "someone," of boring a hole in
+his cistern and letting out his water to supply our cistern, which
+adjoined his.  He said he should have his repaired, and send us in
+the bill.
+
+April 20.--Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying he had
+been on his back for a week.  It appears he was trying to shut his
+bedroom door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase,
+and unknown to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with
+had got between the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling
+the door hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his
+hands, and he fell backwards downstairs.
+
+On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed
+out of the room sideways.  Cummings looked very indignant, and
+remarked it was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and
+though I had my suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured
+Cummings that he had only run out to open the door to a friend he
+expected.  Cummings said this was the second time he had been laid
+up, and we had never sent to inquire.  I said I knew nothing about
+it.  Cummings said:  "It was mentioned in the Bicycle News."
+
+April 22.--I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her
+nails a good deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she
+was doing, she replied:  "Oh, I'm going in for manicuring.  It's
+all the fashion now."  I said:  "I suppose Mrs. James introduced
+that into your head."  Carrie laughingly replied:  "Yes; but
+everyone does it now."
+
+I wish Mrs. James wouldn't come to the house.  Whenever she does
+she always introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie's
+head.  One of these days I feel sure I shall tell her she's not
+welcome.  I am sure it was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing
+on dark slate-coloured paper with white ink.  Nonsense!
+
+April 23.--Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling
+us the train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep our
+promise to stay with her.  The letter concluded:  "You must come
+and stay at our house; we shall charge you half what you will have
+to pay at the Royal, and the view is every bit as good."  Looking
+at the address at the top of the note-paper, I found it was
+"Lupkin's Family and Commercial Hotel."
+
+I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to "decline her kind
+invitation."  Carrie thought this very satirical, and to the point.
+
+By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night.  I
+ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards', and chose
+the pattern by gaslight, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-
+salt mixture with white stripes down.  They came home this morning,
+and, to my horror, I found it was quite a flash-looking suit.
+There was a lot of green with bright yellow-coloured stripes.
+
+I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling.  She
+said:  "What mixture did you say you asked for?"
+
+I said:  "A quiet pepper and salt."
+
+Carrie said:  "Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want to
+know the truth."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+
+Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow.  We have a pleasant and
+quiet dinner at his uncle's, marred only by a few awkward mistakes
+on my part respecting Mr. Finsworth's pictures.  A discussion on
+dreams.
+
+
+April 27.--Kept a little later than usual at the office, and as I
+was hurrying along a man stopped me, saying:  "Hulloh!  That's a
+face I know."  I replied politely:  "Very likely; lots of people
+know me, although I may not know them."  He replied:  "But you know
+me--Teddy Finsworth."  So it was.  He was at the same school with
+me.  I had not seen him for years and years.  No wonder I did not
+know him!  At school he was at least a head taller than I was; now
+I am at least a head taller than he is, and he has a thick beard,
+almost grey.  He insisted on my having a glass of wine (a thing I
+never do), and told me he lived at Middlesboro', where he was
+Deputy Town Clerk, a position which was as high as the Town Clerk
+of London--in fact, higher.  He added that he was staying for a few
+days in London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul Finsworth (of
+Finsworth and Pultwell).  He said he was sure his uncle would be
+only too pleased to see me, and he had a nice house, Watney Lodge,
+only a few minutes' walk from Muswell Hill Station.  I gave him our
+address, and we parted.
+
+In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter
+from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would dine with
+them to-morrow (Sunday), at two o'clock, he would be delighted.
+Carrie did not like to go; but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much
+we consented.  Carrie sent Sarah round to the butcher's and
+countermanded our half-leg of mutton, which we had ordered for to-
+morrow.
+
+April 28, Sunday.--We found Watney Lodge farther off than we
+anticipated, and only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling
+hot and uncomfortable.  To make matters worse, a large collie dog
+pounced forward to receive us.  He barked loudly and jumped up at
+Carrie, covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the
+first time, with mud.  Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dog
+off and apologised.  We were shown into the drawing-room, which was
+beautifully decorated.  It was full of knick-knacks, and some
+plates hung up on the wall.  There were several little wooden milk-
+stools with paintings on them; also a white wooden banjo, painted
+by one of Mr. Paul Finsworth's nieces--a cousin of Teddy's.
+
+Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking elderly
+gentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie.  There were a great many
+water-colours hanging on the walls, mostly different views of
+India, which were very bright.  Mr. Finsworth said they were
+painted by "Simpz," and added that he was no judge of pictures
+himself but had been informed on good authority that they were
+worth some hundreds of pounds, although he had only paid a few
+shillings apiece for them, frames included, at a sale in the
+neighbourhood.
+
+There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done in
+coloured crayons.  It looked like a religious subject.  I was very
+much struck with the lace collar, it looked so real, but I
+unfortunately made the remark that there was something about the
+expression of the face that was not quite pleasing.  It looked
+pinched.  Mr. Finsworth sorrowfully replied:  "Yes, the face was
+done after death--my wife's sister."
+
+I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper
+said I hoped I had not hurt his feelings.  We both stood looking at
+the picture for a few minutes in silence, when Mr. Finsworth took
+out a handkerchief and said:  "She was sitting in our garden last
+summer," and blew his nose violently.  He seemed quite affected, so
+I turned to look at something else and stood in front of a portrait
+of a jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face and straw
+hat.  I said to Mr. Finsworth:  "Who is this jovial-looking
+gentleman?  Life doesn't seem to trouble him much."  Mr. Finsworth
+said:  "No, it doesn't.  HE IS DEAD TOO--my brother."
+
+I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness.  Fortunately at
+this moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken her
+upstairs to take off her bonnet and brush her skirt.  Teddy said:
+"Short is late," but at that moment the gentleman referred to
+arrived, and I was introduced to him by Teddy, who said:  "Do you
+know Mr. Short?"  I replied, smiling, that I had not that pleasure,
+but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr. SHORT.  He
+evidently did not see my little joke, although I repeated it twice
+with a little laugh.  I suddenly remembered it was Sunday, and Mr.
+Short was perhaps VERY PARTICULAR.  In this I was mistaken, for he
+was not at all particular in several of his remarks after dinner.
+In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations that I took the
+opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I feared she found Mr.
+Short occasionally a little embarrassing.  To my surprise she said:
+"Oh! he is privileged you know."  I did not know as a matter of
+fact, and so I bowed apologetically.  I fail to see why Mr. Short
+should be privileged.
+
+Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog,
+which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining-
+room table.  It kept growling and snapping at my boots every time I
+moved my foot.  Feeling nervous rather, I spoke to Mrs. Finsworth
+about the animal, and she remarked:  "It is only his play."  She
+jumped up and let in a frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called
+Bibbs, which had been scratching at the door.  This dog also seemed
+to take a fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it
+had licked off every bit of blacking from them.  I was positively
+ashamed of being seen in them.  Mrs. Finsworth, who, I must say, is
+not much of a Job's comforter, said:  "Oh! we are used to Bibbs
+doing that to our visitors."
+
+Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether it
+is a good thing to take on the top of beer.  It made me feel a
+little sleepy, while it had the effect of inducing Mr. Short to
+become "privileged" to rather an alarming extent.  It being cold
+even for April, there was a fire in the drawing-room; we sat round
+in easy-chairs, and Teddy and I waxed rather eloquent over the old
+school days, which had the effect of sending all the others to
+sleep.  I was delighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned, that it
+did have that effect on him.
+
+We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for the
+fact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my
+boots.  Polished them myself when I got home.  Went to church in
+the evening, and could scarcely keep awake.  I will not take port
+on the top of beer again.
+
+April 29.--I am getting quite accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin,
+and I do not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she has
+a certain amount of right to do so; but I do think it hard to be at
+once snubbed by wife, son, and both my guests.
+
+Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I
+suddenly remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago,
+and I thought I would tell them about it.  I dreamt I saw some huge
+blocks of ice in a shop with a bright glare behind them.  I walked
+into the shop and the heat was overpowering.  I found that the
+blocks of ice were on fire.  The whole thing was so real and yet so
+supernatural I woke up in a cold perspiration.  Lupin in a most
+contemptuous manner, said:  "What utter rot."
+
+Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completely
+uninteresting as other people's dreams.
+
+I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with the
+others and my dream was especially nonsensical.  I said:  "It
+seemed so real to me."  Gowing replied:  "Yes, to YOU perhaps, but
+not to US."  Whereupon they all roared.
+
+Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said:  "He tells me his stupid
+dreams every morning nearly."  I replied:  "Very well, dear, I
+promise you I will never tell you or anybody else another dream of
+mine the longest day I live."  Lupin said:  "Hear! hear!" and
+helped himself to another glass of beer.  The subject was
+fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting article
+on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+
+Dinner at Franching's to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle.
+
+
+May 10.--Received a letter from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking
+us to dine with him to-night, at seven o'clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur
+Huttle, a very clever writer for the American papers.  Franching
+apologised for the short notice; but said he had at the last moment
+been disappointed of two of his guests and regarded us as old
+friends who would not mind filling up the gap.  Carrie rather
+demurred at the invitation; but I explained to her that Franching
+was very well off and influential, and we could not afford to
+offend him.  "And we are sure to get a good dinner and a good glass
+of champagne."  "Which never agrees with you!" Carrie replied,
+sharply.  I regarded Carrie's observation as unsaid.  Mr. Franching
+asked us to wire a reply.  As he had said nothing about dress in
+the letter, I wired back:  "With pleasure.  Is it full dress?" and
+by leaving out our name, just got the message within the sixpence.
+
+Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a telegram
+instructing us to do.  I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching's
+house; but she would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her.
+What a long journey it is from Holloway to Peckham!  Why do people
+live such a long way off?  Having to change 'buses, I allowed
+plenty of time--in fact, too much; for we arrived at twenty minutes
+to seven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up
+to dress.  However, he was down as the clock struck seven; he must
+have dressed very quickly.
+
+I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did
+not know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells.
+Franching had got a professional waiter, and evidently spared no
+expense.  There were flowers on the table round some fairy-lamps
+and the effect, I must say, was exquisite.  The wine was good and
+there was plenty of champagne, concerning which Franching said he
+himself, never wished to taste better.  We were ten in number, and
+a menu card to each.  One lady said she always preserved the menu
+and got the guests to write their names on the back.
+
+We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was of
+course the important guest.
+
+The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur Huttle,
+Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. Purdick,
+Mr. Pratt, Mr. R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs.
+Charles Pooter.  Franching said he was sorry he had no lady for me
+to take in to dinner.  I replied that I preferred it, which I
+afterwards thought was a very uncomplimentary observation to make.
+
+I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner.  She seemed a well-informed
+lady, but was very deaf.  It did not much matter, for Mr. Hardfur
+Huttle did all the talking.  He is a marvellously intellectual man
+and says things which from other people would seem quite alarming.
+How I wish I could remember even a quarter of his brilliant
+conversation.  I made a few little reminding notes on the menu
+card.
+
+One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful--though not
+to my way of thinking of course.  Mrs. Purdick happened to say "You
+are certainly unorthodox, Mr. Huttle."  Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar
+expression (I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice:  "Mrs.
+Purdick, 'orthodox' is a grandiloquent word implying sticking-in-
+the-mud.  If Columbus and Stephenson had been orthodox, there would
+neither have been the discovery of America nor the steam-engine."
+There was quite a silence.  It appeared to me that such teaching
+was absolutely dangerous, and yet I felt--in fact we must all have
+felt--there was no answer to the argument.  A little later on, Mrs.
+Purdick, who is Franching's sister and also acted as hostess, rose
+from the table, and Mr. Huttle said:  "Why, ladies, do you deprive
+us of your company so soon?  Why not wait while we have our
+cigars?"
+
+The effect was electrical.  The ladies (including Carrie) were in
+no way inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle's fascinating society,
+and immediately resumed their seats, amid much laughter and a
+little chaff.  Mr. Huttle said:  "Well, that's a real good sign;
+you shall not be insulted by being called orthodox any longer."
+Mrs. Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp woman,
+said:  "Mr. Huttle, we will meet you half-way--that is, till you
+get half-way through your cigar.  That, at all events, will be the
+happy medium."
+
+I shall never forget the effect the words, "happy medium," had upon
+him.  He was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation of the
+words.  He positively alarmed me.  He said something like the
+following:  "Happy medium, indeed.  Do you know 'happy medium' are
+two words which mean 'miserable mediocrity'?  I say, go first class
+or third; marry a duchess or her kitchenmaid.  The happy medium
+means respectability, and respectability means insipidness.  Does
+it not, Mr. Pooter?"
+
+I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I could
+only bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not competent to
+offer an opinion.  Carrie was about to say something; but she was
+interrupted, for which I was rather pleased, for she is not clever
+at argument, and one has to be extra clever to discuss a subject
+with a man like Mr. Huttle.
+
+He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcome
+opinions positively convincing:  "The happy medium is nothing more
+or less than a vulgar half-measure.  A man who loves champagne and,
+finding a pint too little, fears to face a whole bottle and has
+recourse to an imperial pint, will never build a Brooklyn Bridge or
+an Eiffel Tower.  No, he is half-hearted, he is a half-measure--
+respectable--in fact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of
+his days in a suburban villa with a stucco-column portico,
+resembling a four-post bedstead."
+
+We all laughed.
+
+"That sort of thing," continued Mr. Huttle, "belongs to a soft man,
+with a soft beard with a soft head, with a made tie that hooks on."
+
+This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking in
+the glass of the cheffoniere; for _I_ had on a tie that hooked on--
+and why not?  If these remarks were not personal they were rather
+careless, and so were some of his subsequent observations, which
+must have made both Mr. Franching and his guests rather
+uncomfortable.  I don't think Mr. Huttle meant to be personal, for
+he added; "We don't know that class here in this country:  but we
+do in America, and I've no use for them."
+
+Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passed
+round the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but continued as if
+he were giving a lecture:
+
+"What we want in America is your homes.  We live on wheels.  Your
+simple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, are charming.  No
+display, no pretension!  You make no difference in your dinner, I
+dare say, when you sit down by yourself and when you invite us.
+You have your own personal attendant--no hired waiter to breathe on
+the back of your head."
+
+I saw Franching palpably wince at this.
+
+Mr. Huttle continued:  "Just a small dinner with a few good things,
+such as you have this evening.   You don't insult your guests by
+sending to the grocer for champagne at six shillings a bottle."
+
+I could not help thinking of "Jackson Freres" at three-and-six!
+
+"In fact," said Mr. Huttle, "a man is little less than a murderer
+who does.  That is the province of the milksop, who wastes his
+evening at home playing dominoes with his wife.  I've heard of
+these people.  We don't want them at this table.  Our party is well
+selected.  We've no use for deaf old women, who cannot follow
+intellectual conversation."
+
+All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being
+deaf, did not hear his remarks; but continued smiling approval.
+
+"We have no representative at Mr. Franching's table," said Mr.
+Huttle, "of the unenlightened frivolous matron, who goes to a
+second class dance at Bayswater and fancies she is in Society.
+Society does not know her; it has no use for her."
+
+Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was afforded for
+the ladies to rise.  I asked Mr. Franching quietly to excuse me, as
+I did not wish to miss the last train, which we very nearly did,
+by-the-by, through Carrie having mislaid the little cloth cricket-
+cap which she wears when we go out.
+
+It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering the
+sitting-room I said:  "Carrie, what do you think of Mr. Hardfur
+Huttle?"  She simply answered:  "How like Lupin!"  The same idea
+occurred to me in the train.  The comparison kept me awake half the
+night.  Mr. Huttle was, of course, an older and more influential
+man; but he WAS like Lupin, and it made me think how dangerous
+Lupin would be if he were older and more influential.  I feel proud
+to think Lupin DOES resemble Mr. Huttle in some ways.  Lupin, like
+Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes wonderful ideas; but it is
+those ideas that are so dangerous.  They make men extremely rich or
+extremely poor.  They make or break men.  I always feel people are
+happier who live a simple unsophisticated life.  I believe _I_ am
+happy because I am not ambitious.  Somehow I feel that Lupin, since
+he has been with Mr. Perkupp, has become content to settle down and
+follow the footsteps of his father.  This is a comfort.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+
+Lupin is discharged.  We are in great trouble.  Lupin gets engaged
+elsewhere at a handsome salary.
+
+
+May 13.--A terrible misfortune has happened:  Lupin is discharged
+from Mr. Perkupp's office; and I scarcely know how I am writing my
+diary.  I was away from office last Sat., the first time I have
+been absent through illness for twenty years.  I believe I was
+poisoned by some lobster.  Mr. Perkupp was also absent, as Fate
+would have it; and our most valued customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went
+to the office in a rage, and withdrew his custom.  My boy Lupin not
+only had the assurance to receive him, but recommended him the firm
+of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited.  In my own humble judgment, and
+though I have to say it against my own son, this seems an act of
+treachery.
+
+This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me that
+Lupin's services are no longer required, and an interview with me
+is desired at eleven o'clock.  I went down to the office with an
+aching heart, dreading an interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I
+have never had a word.  I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning.  He
+had not got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie said I
+should do no good by disturbing him.  My mind wandered so at the
+office that I could not do my work properly.
+
+As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the following
+conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it.
+
+Mr. Perkupp said:  "Good-morning, Mr. Pooter!  This is a very
+serious business.  I am not referring so much to the dismissal of
+your son, for I knew we should have to part sooner or later.  _I_
+am the head of this old, influential, and much-respected firm; and
+when _I_ consider the time has come to revolutionise the business,
+_I_ will do it myself."
+
+I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said:  "I
+hope, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way countenanced
+my son's unwarrantable interference?"  Mr. Perkupp rose from his
+seat and took my hand, and said:  "Mr. Pooter, I would as soon
+suspect myself as suspect you."  I was so agitated that in the
+confusion, to show my gratitude I very nearly called him a "grand
+old man."
+
+Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a "grand old
+master."  I was so unaccountable for my actions that I sat down,
+leaving him standing.  Of course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp
+bade me sit down, which I was very pleased to do.  Mr. Perkupp,
+resuming, said:  "You will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high-
+standing nature of our firm will not admit of our bending to
+anybody.  If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to put his work into other
+hands--I may add, less experienced hands--it is not for us to bend
+and beg back his custom."  "You SHALL not do it, sir," I said with
+indignation.  "Exactly," replied Mr. Perkupp; "I shall NOT do it.
+But I was thinking this, Mr. Pooter.  Mr. Crowbillon is our most
+valued client, and I will even confess--for I know this will not go
+beyond ourselves--that we cannot afford very well to lose him,
+especially in these times, which are not of the brightest.  Now, I
+fancy you can be of service."
+
+I replied:  "Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve you!"
+
+Mr. Perkupp said:  "I know you will.  Now, what I should like you
+to do is this.  You yourself might write to Mr. Crowbillon--you
+must not, of course, lead him to suppose I know anything about your
+doing so--and explain to him that your son was only taken on as a
+clerk--quite an inexperienced one in fact--out of the respect the
+firm had for you, Mr. Pooter.  This is, of course, a fact.  I don't
+suggest that you should speak in too strong terms of your own son's
+conduct; but I may add, that had he been a son of mine, I should
+have condemned his interference with no measured terms.  That I
+leave to you.  I think the result will be that Mr. Crowbillon will
+see the force of the foolish step he has taken, and our firm will
+neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket."
+
+I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp is.
+His manners and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with
+respect.
+
+I said:  "Would you like to see the letter before I send it?"
+
+Mr. Perkupp said:  "Oh no!  I had better not.  I am supposed to
+know nothing about it, and I have every confidence in you.  You
+must write the letter carefully.  We are not very busy; you had
+better take the morning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like.  I
+shall be here myself all day to-morrow, in fact all the week, in
+case Mr. Crowbillon should call."
+
+I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that
+I could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact anybody, if
+they called in the evening.  Lupin came into the parlour for a
+moment with a new hat on, and asked my opinion of it.  I said I was
+not in the mood to judge of hats, and I did not think he was in a
+position to buy a new one.  Lupin replied carelessly:  "I didn't
+buy it; it was a present."
+
+I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like
+to ask him questions, as I dread the answers so.  He, however,
+saved me the trouble.
+
+He said:  "I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite
+think a friend at the time; but it's all right.  As he wisely said,
+'all is fair in love and war,' and there was no reason why we
+should not be friends still.  He's a jolly, good, all-round sort of
+fellow, and a very different stamp from that inflated fool of a
+Perkupp."
+
+I said:  "Hush, Lupin!  Do not pray add insult to injury."
+
+Lupin said:  "What do you mean by injury?  I repeat, I have done no
+injury.  Crowbillon is simply tired of a stagnant stick-in-the-mud
+firm, and made the change on his own account.  I simply recommended
+the new firm as a matter of biz--good old biz!"
+
+I said quietly:  "I don't understand your slang, and at my time of
+life have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my boy, let us change
+the subject.  I will, if it please you, TRY and be interested in
+your new hat adventure."
+
+Lupin said:  "Oh! there's nothing much about it, except I have not
+once seen him since his marriage, and he said he was very pleased
+to see me, and hoped we should be friends.  I stood a drink to
+cement the friendship, and he stood me a new hat--one of his own."
+
+I said rather wearily:  "But you have not told me your old friend's
+name?"
+
+Lupin said, with affected carelessness:  "Oh didn't I?  Well, I
+will.  It was MURRAY POSH."
+
+May 14.--Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all the
+morning, asked the reason of it.  Carrie and I both agreed it was
+better to say nothing to him about the letter I was writing, so I
+evaded the question.
+
+Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh in
+the City.  I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with a berth.
+Lupin went out laughing, saying:  "I don't mind WEARING Posh's one-
+priced hats, but I am not going to SELL them."  Poor boy, I fear he
+is perfectly hopeless.
+
+It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. Crowbillon.  Once
+or twice I asked Carrie for suggestions; and although it seems
+ungrateful, her suggestions were none of them to the point, while
+one or two were absolutely idiotic.  Of course I did not tell her
+so.  I got the letter off, and took it down to the office for Mr.
+Perkupp to see, but he again repeated that he could trust me.
+
+Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him about
+Lupin and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined
+to side with Lupin.  Carrie joined in, and said she thought I was
+taking much too melancholy a view of it.  Gowing produced a pint
+sample-bottle of Madeira, which had been given him, which he said
+would get rid of the blues.  I dare say it would have done so if
+there had been more of it; but as Gowing helped himself to three
+glasses, it did not leave much for Carrie and me to get rid of the
+blues with.
+
+May 15.--A day of great anxiety, for I expected every moment a
+letter from Mr. Crowbillon.  Two letters came in the evening--one
+for me, with "Crowbillon Hall" printed in large gold-and-red
+letters on the back of the envelope; the other for Lupin, which I
+felt inclined to open and read, as it had "Gylterson, Sons, and Co.
+Limited," which was the recommended firm.  I trembled as I opened
+Mr. Crowbillon's letter.  I wrote him sixteen pages, closely
+written; he wrote me less than sixteen lines.
+
+His letter was:  "Sir,--I totally disagree with you.  Your son, in
+the course of five minutes' conversation, displayed more
+intelligence than your firm has done during the last five years.--
+Yours faithfully, Gilbert E. Gillam O. Crowbillon."
+
+What am I to do?  Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr.
+Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin for anything.  The crisis had
+yet to come; for Lupin arrived, and, opening his letter, showed a
+cheque for 25 pounds as a commission for the recommendation of Mr.
+Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. Perkupp is evidently lost for ever.
+Cummings and Gowing both called, and both took Lupin's part.
+Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would make a name yet.  I
+suppose I was melancholy, for I could only ask:  "Yes, but what
+sort of a name?"
+
+May 16.--I told Mr. Perkupp the contents of the letter in a
+modified form, but Mr. Perkupp said:  "Pray don't discuss the
+matter; it is at an end.  Your son will bring his punishment upon
+himself."  I went home in the evening, thinking of the hopeless
+future of Lupin.  I found him in most extravagant spirits and in
+evening dress.  He threw a letter on the table for me to read.
+
+To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely
+engaged Lupin at a salary of 200 pounds a year, with other
+advantages.  I read the letter through three times and thought it
+must have been for me.  But there it was--Lupin Pooter--plain
+enough.  I was silent.  Lupin said:  "What price Perkupp now?  You
+take my tip, Guv.--'off' with Perkupp and freeze on to Gylterson,
+the firm of the future!  Perkupp's firm?  The stagnant dummies have
+been standing still for years, and now are moving back.  I want to
+go on.  In fact I must go OFF, as I am dining with the Murray Poshs
+to-night."
+
+In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his stick,
+gave a loud war "Whoo-oop," jumped over a chair, and took the
+liberty of rumpling my hair all over my forehead, and bounced out
+of the room, giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and
+the respect which was due to his parent.  Gowing and Cummings came
+in the evening, and positively cheered me up with congratulations
+respecting Lupin.
+
+Gowing said:  "I always said he would get on, and, take my word, he
+has more in his head than we three put together."
+
+Carrie said:  "He is a second Hardfur Huttle."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+
+Master Percy Edgar Smith James.  Mrs. James (of Sutton) visits us
+again and introduces "Spiritual Seances."
+
+
+May 26, Sunday.--We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea
+with Mr. and Mrs. James.  I had no appetite, having dined well at
+two, and the entire evening was spoiled by little Percy--their only
+son--who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child.
+
+Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my
+shins.  He hurt me once so much that the tears came into my eyes.
+I gently remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said:  "Please don't
+scold him; I do not believe in being too severe with young
+children.  You spoil their character."
+
+Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried to
+pacify him, he slapped her face.
+
+I was so annoyed, I said:  "That is not my idea of bringing up
+children, Mrs. James."
+
+Mrs. James said.  "People have different ideas of bringing up
+children--even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection."
+
+A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his lap.
+The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. Mezzini,
+saying:  "I don't like you--you've got a dirty face."
+
+A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by the
+wrist and said:  "Come here, dear, and listen to this."
+
+He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch
+strike six.
+
+To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it
+down upon the ground like one would a ball.
+
+Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get a
+new glass put in, and did not suppose the works were damaged.
+
+To show you how people's opinions differ, Carrie said the child was
+bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it
+was--in her mind--an unquestionably beautiful child.
+
+I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier child
+myself.  That is MY opinion.
+
+May 30.--I don't know why it is, but I never anticipate with any
+pleasure the visits to our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton.  She is
+coming again to stay for a few days.  I said to Carrie this
+morning, as I was leaving:  "I wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs.
+James better than I do."
+
+Carrie said:  "So do I, dear; but as for years I have had to put up
+with Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who is kind but
+most uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won't mind the occasional
+visits of Mrs. James, who has more intellect in her little finger
+than both your friends have in their entire bodies."
+
+I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear old
+friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the 'bus coming, I
+left with a hurried kiss--a little too hurried, perhaps, for my
+upper lip came in contact with Carrie's teeth and slightly cut it.
+It was quite painful for an hour afterwards.  When I came home in
+the evening I found Carrie buried in a book on Spiritualism, called
+THERE IS NO BIRTH, by Florence Singleyet.  I need scarcely say the
+book was sent her to read by Mrs. James, of Sutton.  As she had not
+a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of the evening
+altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning to show signs of
+wear at the edges.
+
+Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the entire
+management of everything.  Finding that she and Carrie were making
+some preparations for table-turning, I thought it time really to
+put my foot down.  I have always had the greatest contempt for such
+nonsense, and put an end to it years ago when Carrie, at our old
+house, used to have seances every night with poor Mrs. Fussters
+(who is now dead).  If I could see any use in it, I would not care.
+As I stopped it in the days gone by, I determined to do so now.
+
+I said:  "I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally disapprove of
+it, apart from the fact that I receive my old friends on this
+evening."
+
+Mrs. James said:  "Do you mean to say you haven't read THERE IS NO
+BIRTH?"  I said:  "No, and I have no intention of doing so."  Mrs.
+James seemed surprised and said:  "All the world is going mad over
+the book."  I responded rather cleverly:  "Let it.  There will be
+one sane man in it, at all events."
+
+Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people were
+all as prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the
+electric telegraph or the telephone.
+
+I said that was quite a different thing.
+
+Mrs. James said sharply:  "In what way, pray--in what way?"
+
+I said:  "In many ways."
+
+Mrs. James said:  "Well, mention ONE way."
+
+I replied quietly:  "Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to discuss
+the matter.  I am not interested in it."
+
+Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, for
+which I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this
+foolish table-turning.  But I was entirely mistaken; for, on the
+subject being opened again, Cummings said he was most interested in
+Spiritualism, although he was bound to confess he did not believe
+much in it; still, he was willing to be convinced.
+
+I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my
+presence was ignored.  I left the three sitting in the parlour at a
+small round table which they had taken out of the drawing-room.  I
+walked into the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little
+stroll.  As I opened the door, who should come in but Gowing!
+
+On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join the
+circle and he would go into a trance.  He added that he KNEW a few
+things about old Cummings, and would INVENT a few about Mrs. James.
+Knowing how dangerous Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in
+any such foolish performance.  Sarah asked me if she could go out
+for half an hour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be
+more comfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the cold
+drawing-room.  We talked a good deal about Lupin and Mr. and Mrs.
+Murray Posh, with whom he is as usual spending the evening.  Gowing
+said:  "I say, it wouldn't be a bad thing for Lupin if old Posh
+kicked the bucket."
+
+My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very sternly
+for joking on such a subject.  I lay awake half the night thinking
+of it--the other hall was spent in nightmares on the same subject.
+
+May 31.--I wrote a stern letter to the laundress.  I was rather
+pleased with the letter, for I thought it very satirical.  I said:
+"You have returned the handkerchiefs without the colour.  Perhaps
+you will return either the colour or the value of the
+handkerchiefs."  I shall be rather curious to know what she will
+have to say.
+
+More table-turning in the evening.  Carrie said last night was in a
+measure successful, and they ought to sit again.  Cummings came in,
+and seemed interested.  I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room,
+got the steps, and repaired the cornice, which has been a bit of an
+eyesore to me.  In a fit of unthinkingness--if I may use such an
+expression,--I gave the floor over the parlour, where the seance
+was taking place, two loud raps with the hammer.  I felt sorry
+afterwards, for it was the sort of ridiculous, foolhardy thing that
+Gowing or Lupin would have done.
+
+However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that a
+message came through the table to her of a wonderful description,
+concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quite
+unknown to the others.
+
+When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit to-morrow
+night, to oblige her.  She said it seemed rather unkind and
+unsociable on my part.  I promised I would sit once.
+
+June 1.--I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and I am
+bound to admit some curious things happened.  I contend they were
+coincidences, but they were curious.  For instance, the table kept
+tilting towards me, which Carrie construed as a desire that I
+should ask the spirit a question.  I obeyed the rules, and I asked
+the spirit (who said her name was Lina) if she could tell me the
+name of an old aunt of whom I was thinking, and whom we used to
+call Aunt Maggie.  The table spelled out C A T.  We could make
+nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that her second name
+was Catherine, which it was evidently trying to spell.  I don't
+think even Carrie knew this.  But if she did, she would never
+cheat.  I must admit it was curious.  Several other things
+happened, and I consented to sit at another seance on Monday.
+
+June 3.--The laundress called, and said she was very sorry about
+the handkerchiefs, and returned ninepence.  I said, as the colour
+was completely washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled,
+ninepence was not enough.  Carrie replied that the two
+handkerchiefs originally only cost sixpence, for she remembered
+bring them at a sale at the Holloway Bon Marche.  In that case, I
+insisted that threepence buying should be returned to the
+laundress.  Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for a few days.
+I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it.  Carrie said I was
+ridiculous to worry about it.  Mr. Posh was very fond of Lupin,
+who, after all, was only a mere boy.
+
+In the evening we had another seance, which, in some respects, was
+very remarkable, although the first part of it was a little
+doubtful.  Gowing called, as well as Cummings, and begged to be
+allowed to join the circle.  I wanted to object, but Mrs. James,
+who appears a good Medium (that is, if there is anything in it at
+all), thought there might be a little more spirit power if Gowing
+joined; so the five of us sat down.
+
+The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get my
+hands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began
+moving quickly across the room.  Gowing shouted out:  "Way oh!
+steady, lad, steady!"  I told Gowing if he could not behave himself
+I should light the gas, and put an end to the seance.
+
+To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I
+hinted as much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table go
+right off the ground.  The spirit Lina came again, and said, "WARN"
+three or four times, and declined to explain.  Mrs. James said
+"Lina" was stubborn sometimes.  She often behaved like that, and
+the best thing to do was to send her away.
+
+She then hit the table sharply, and said:  "Go away, Lina; you are
+disagreeable.  Go away!"  I should think we sat nearly three-
+quarters of an hour with nothing happening.  My hands felt quite
+cold, and I suggested we should stop the seance.  Carrie and Mrs.
+James, as well as Cummings, would not agree to it.  In about ten
+minutes' time there was some tilting towards me.  I gave the
+alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O F.  As I have heard both
+Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could hear Gowing silently
+laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the table.  He denied
+it; but, I regret to say, I did not believe him.
+
+Gowing said:  "Perhaps it means 'Spook,' a ghost."
+
+I said:  "YOU know it doesn't mean anything of the sort."
+
+Gowing said:  "Oh! very well--I'm sorry I 'spook,'" and he rose
+from the table.
+
+No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James suggested
+he should sit out for a while.  Gowing consented and sat in the
+arm-chair.
+
+The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderful
+seance but for Gowing's stupid interruptions.  In answer to the
+alphabet from Carrie the table spelt "NIPUL," then the "WARN" three
+times.  We could not think what it meant till Cummings pointed out
+that "NIPUL" was Lupin spelled backwards.  This was quite exciting.
+Carrie was particularly excited, and said she hoped nothing
+horrible was going to happen.
+
+Mrs. James asked if "Lina" was the spirit.  The table replied
+firmly, "No," and the spirit would not give his or her name.  We
+then had the message, "NIPUL will be very rich."
+
+Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word "WARN" was again
+spelt out.  The table then began to oscillate violently, and in
+reply to Mrs. James, who spoke very softly to the table, the spirit
+began to spell its name.  It first spelled "DRINK."
+
+Gowing here said:  "Ah! that's more in my line."
+
+I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed.
+
+The table then spelt "WATER."
+
+Gowing here interrupted again, and said:  "Ah! that's NOT in my
+line.  OUTSIDE if you like, but not inside."
+
+Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.
+
+The table then spelt "CAPTAIN," and Mrs. James startled us by
+crying out, "Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my father's,
+who has been dead some years."
+
+This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that after
+all there must be something in Spiritualism.
+
+Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word
+"Warn" as applied to "NIPUL."  The alphabet was given again, and we
+got the word "BOSH."
+
+Gowing here muttered:  "So it is."
+
+Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as Captain
+Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the
+word in answer to a lady's question.  Accordingly the alphabet was
+given again.
+
+This time the table spelled distinctly "POSH."  We all thought of
+Mrs. Murray Posh and Lupin.  Carrie was getting a little
+distressed, and as it was getting late we broke up the circle.
+
+We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. James'
+last night in town.  We also determined NOT to have Gowing present.
+
+Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but he
+wished the spirits would say something about him.
+
+June 4.--Quite looking forward to the seance this evening.  Was
+thinking of it all the day at the office.
+
+Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing entering
+without knocking.
+
+He said:  "I am not going to stop, but I have brought with me a
+sealed envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. Pooter.  In
+that sealed envelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a
+simple question.  If the spirits can answer that question, I will
+believe in Spiritualism."
+
+I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.
+
+Mrs. James said:  "Oh no! it is of common occurrence for the
+spirits to answer questions under such conditions--and even for
+them to write on locked slates.  It is quite worth trying.  If
+'Lina' is in a good temper, she is certain to do it."
+
+Gowing said:  "All right; then I shall be a firm believer.  I shall
+perhaps drop in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result."
+
+He then left and we sat a long time.  Cummings wanted to know
+something about some undertaking in which he was concerned, but he
+could get no answer of any description whatever--at which he said
+he was very disappointed and was afraid there was not much in
+table-turning after all.  I thought this rather selfish of him.
+The seance was very similar to the one last night, almost the same
+in fact.  So we turned to the letter.  "Lina" took a long time
+answering the question, but eventually spelt out "ROSES, LILIES,
+AND COWS."  There was great rocking of the table at this time, and
+Mrs. James said:  "If that is Captain Drinkwater, let us ask him
+the answer as well?"
+
+It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave the
+same identical answer:  "ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS."
+
+I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal,
+or the disappointment we felt on reading the question, to which the
+answer was so inappropriate.  The question was, "WHAT'S OLD
+POOTER'S AGE?"
+
+This quite decided me.
+
+As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I would
+again.
+
+I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm when
+driven to it.
+
+I said slowly, as I turned up the gas:  "This is the last of this
+nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof.  I regret I
+permitted myself to be a party to such tomfoolery.  If there is
+anything in it--which I doubt--it is nothing of any good, and I
+WON'T HAVE IT AGAIN.  That is enough."
+
+Mrs. James said:  "I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather over-
+stepping--"
+
+I said:  "Hush, madam.  I am master of this house--please
+understand that."
+
+Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was
+mistaken in.  I was in such a rage I could not quite catch what she
+said.  But if I thought she said what it sounded like, she should
+never enter the house again.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+
+Lupin leaves us.  We dine at his new apartments, and hear some
+extraordinary information respecting the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh.
+Meet Miss Lilian Posh.  Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle.
+Important.
+
+
+July 1.--I find, on looking over my diary, nothing of any
+consequence has taken place during the last month.  To-day we lose
+Lupin, who has taken furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his
+friends, Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, at two guineas a week.  I think
+this is most extravagant of him, as it is half his salary.  Lupin
+says one never loses by a good address, and, to use his own
+expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit "off."  Whether he means it
+is "far off" I do not know.  I have long since given up trying to
+understand his curious expressions.  I said the neighbourhood had
+always been good enough for his parents.  His reply was:  "It is no
+question of being good or bad.  There is no money in it, and I am
+not going to rot away my life in the suburbs."
+
+We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by
+himself, and there may be some truth in his remark that an old and
+a young horse can't pull together in the same cart.
+
+Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, and
+like old times.  He liked Master Lupin very well, but he
+occasionally suffered from what he could not help--youth.
+
+July 2.--Cummings called, looked very pale, and said he had been
+very ill again, and of course not a single friend had been near
+him.  Carrie said she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw
+down a copy of the Bicycle News on the table, with the following
+paragraph:  "We regret to hear that that favourite old roadster,
+Mr. Cummings ('Long' Cummings), has met with what might have been a
+serious accident in Rye Lane.  A mischievous boy threw a stick
+between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and the machine
+overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily to the ground.
+Fortunately he was more frightened than hurt, but we missed his
+merry face at the dinner at Chingford, where they turned up in good
+numbers.  'Long' Cummings' health was proposed by our popular Vice,
+Mr. Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein
+said it was a case of 'CUMMING(s) thro' the RYE, but fortunately
+there was more WHEEL than WOE,' a joke which created roars of
+laughter."
+
+We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay to
+supper.  Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin,
+and he was much better away.
+
+July 3, Sunday.--In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the
+parlour window, which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady,
+with a gentleman seated by the side of her, stopped at our door.
+Not wishing to be seen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking
+the back of it violently against the sharp edge of the window-sash.
+I was nearly stunned.  There was a loud double-knock at the front
+door; Carrie rushed out of the parlour, upstairs to her room, and I
+followed, as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp.  I thought it was
+Mr. Franching.--I whispered to Sarah over the banisters:  "Show
+them into the drawing-room."  Sarah said, as the shutters were not
+opened, the room would smell musty.  There was another loud rat-
+tat.  I whispered:  "Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr.
+Pooter will be down directly."  I changed my coat, but could not
+see to do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass.
+
+Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. Lupin.
+
+This was quite a relief.  I went down with Carrie, and Lupin met me
+with the remark:  "I say, what did you run away from the window
+for?  Did we frighten you?"
+
+I foolishly said:  "What window?"
+
+Lupin said:  "Oh, you know.  Shut it.  You looked as if you were
+playing at Punch and Judy."
+
+On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said:
+"Oh, I think Daisy will take on a cup of tea.  I can do with a B.
+and S."
+
+I said:  "I am afraid we have no soda."
+
+Lupin said:  "Don't bother about that.  You just trip out and hold
+the horse; I don't think Sarah understands it."
+
+They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin
+said:  "I want you both to come and dine with me next Wednesday,
+and see my new place.  Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, Miss Posh
+(Murray's sister) are coming.  Eight o'clock sharp.  No one else."
+
+I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would like
+the dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got home.
+
+Lupin said:  "Rats!  You must get used to it.  If it comes to that,
+Daisy and I can drive you home."
+
+We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the familiar
+way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is
+reprehensible.  Anybody would think they had been children
+together.  I certainly should object to a six months' acquaintance
+calling MY wife "Carrie," and driving out with her.
+
+July 4.--Lupin's rooms looked very nice; but the dinner was, I
+thought, a little too grand, especially as he commenced with
+champagne straight off.  I also think Lupin might have told us that
+he and Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on
+full evening dress.  Knowing that the dinner was only for us six,
+we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair.  I had no
+appetite.  It was quite twenty minutes past eight before we sat
+down to dinner.  At six I could have eaten a hearty meal.  I had a
+bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling famished, and I
+expect that partly spoiled my appetite.
+
+We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called "Little Girl,"
+as if he had known her all his life.  She was very tall, rather
+plain, and I thought she was a little painted round the eyes.  I
+hope I am wrong; but she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows
+were black.  She looked about thirty.  I did not like the way she
+kept giggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching him.  Then her
+laugh was a sort of a scream that went right through my ears, all
+the more irritating because there was nothing to laugh at.  In
+fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with her.  They all
+smoked cigarettes after dinner, including Miss Posh, who startled
+Carrie by saying:  "Don't you smoke, dear?"  I answered for Carrie,
+and said:  "Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet,"
+whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again.
+
+Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what I
+have said before--she does NOT sing in tune; but Lupin sat by the
+side of the piano, gazing into her eyes the whole time.  If I had
+been Mr. Posh, I think I should have had something to say about it.
+Mr. Posh made himself very agreeable to us, and eventually sent us
+home in his carriage, which I thought most kind.  He is evidently
+very rich, for Mrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery.  She told
+Carrie her necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday
+present, alone cost 300 pounds.
+
+Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he would
+make rapid way in the world.
+
+I could not help thinking of the 600 pounds Mr. Posh lost over the
+Parachikka Chlorates through Lupin's advice.
+
+During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and
+expressed a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his means.
+
+Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands.  "Posh's one-
+price hat" was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester,
+Liverpool, and all the big towns throughout England.  Lupin further
+informed me that Mr. Posh was opening branch establishments at New
+York, Sydney, and Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and
+Johannesburg.
+
+I said I was pleased to hear it.
+
+Lupin said:  "Why, he has settled over 10,000 pounds on Daisy, and
+the same amount on 'Lillie Girl.'  If at any time I wanted a little
+capital, he would put up a couple of 'thou' at a day's notice, and
+could buy up Perkupp's firm over his head at any moment with ready
+cash."
+
+On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I
+was inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money was NOT
+properly divided.
+
+On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom cab,
+which had been waiting for me for two hours with a letter.  Sarah
+said she did not know what to do, as we had not left the address
+where we had gone.  I trembled as I opened the letter, fearing it
+was some bad news about Mr. Perkupp.  The note was:  "Dear Mr.
+Pooter,--Come down to the Victoria Hotel without delay.  Important.
+Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle."
+
+I asked the cabman if it was too late.  The cabman replied that it
+was NOT; for his instructions were, if I happened to be out, he was
+to wait till I came home.  I felt very tired, and really wanted to
+go to bed.  I reached the hotel at a quarter before midnight.  I
+apologised for being so late, but Mr. Huttle said:  "Not at all;
+come and have a few oysters."  I feel my heart beating as I write
+these words.  To be brief, Mr. Huttle said he had a rich American
+friend who wanted to do something large in our line of business,
+and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to him.  We talked
+over the matter.  If, by any happy chance, the result be
+successful, I can more than compensate my dear master for the loss
+of Mr. Crowbillon's custom.  Mr. Huttle had previously said:  "The
+glorious 'Fourth' is a lucky day for America, and, as it has not
+yet struck twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of the best
+wine to be had in the place, and drink good luck to our bit of
+business."
+
+I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.
+
+It was two o'clock when I got home.  Although I was so tired, I
+could not sleep except for short intervals--then only to dream.
+
+I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle.  The latter was in a
+lovely palace with a crown on.  Mr. Perkupp was waiting in the
+room.  Mr. Huttle kept taking off this crown and handing it to me,
+and calling me "President."
+
+He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept asking Mr.
+Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master.  Mr. Huttle kept
+saying:  "No, this is the White House of Washington, and you must
+keep your crown, Mr. President."
+
+We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and then I
+woke up.  I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over and over
+again.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE LAST
+
+
+
+One of the happiest days of my life.
+
+
+July 10.--The excitement and anxiety through which I have gone the
+last few days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey.  It is
+all but settled.  To-morrow the die will be cast.  I have written a
+long letter to Lupin--feeling it my duty to do so,--regarding his
+attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove up to our house again last
+night.
+
+July 11.--I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note of my
+interview this morning with Mr. Perkupp.  Addressing me, he said:
+"My faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you
+have done our firm.  You can never be sufficiently thanked.  Let us
+change the subject.  Do you like your house, and are you happy
+where you are?"
+
+I replied:  "Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the
+neighbourhood, and could not bear to leave it."
+
+Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said:  "Mr. Pooter, I will purchase
+the freehold of that house, and present it to the most honest and
+most worthy man it has ever been my lot to meet."
+
+He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be spared
+many years to enjoy it.  My heart was too full to thank him; and,
+seeing my embarrassment, the good fellow said:  "You need say
+nothing, Mr. Pooter," and left the office.
+
+I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I have
+never done before), and asked the two latter to come round to
+supper.
+
+On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent Sarah
+round to the grocer's to get two bottles of "Jackson Freres."
+
+My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post brought
+a letter from Lupin in reply to mine.  I read it aloud to them all.
+It ran:  "My dear old Guv.,--Keep your hair on.  You are on the
+wrong tack again.  I am engaged to be married to 'Lillie Girl.'  I
+did not mention it last Thursday, as it was not definitely settled.
+We shall be married in August, and amongst our guests we hope to
+see your old friends Gowing and Cummings.  With much love to all,
+from THE SAME OLD LUPIN."
+
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE DIARY OF A NOBODY ***
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+<!DOCTYPE html
+     PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+     "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" />
+<title>The Diary of a Nobody</title>
+</head>
+<body>
+<h2>
+<a href="#startoftext">The Diary of a Nobody, by George Grossmith and Weedon Grossmith</a>
+</h2>
+<pre>
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Diary of a Nobody, by George Grossmith
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
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+Title: The Diary of a Nobody
+
+Author: George Grossmith and Weedon Grossmith
+
+Release Date: August, 1997  [EBook #1026]
+[This file was first posted on June 27, 1997]
+[Most recently updated: May 23, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+</pre>
+<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p>
+<h1>The Diary of a Nobody</h1>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Why should I not publish my diary?&nbsp; I have often seen reminiscences
+of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see&mdash;because
+I do not happen to be a &lsquo;Somebody&rsquo;&mdash;why my diary should
+not be interesting.&nbsp; My only regret is that I did not commence
+it when I was a youth.</p>
+<p>Charles Pooter<br />The Laurels,<br />Brickfield Terrace<br />Holloway.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER I</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary.&nbsp;
+Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the scraper.&nbsp; The Curate calls
+and pays me a great compliment.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>My clear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house,
+&ldquo;The Laurels,&rdquo; Brickfield Terrace, Holloway&mdash;a nice
+six-roomed residence, not counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour.&nbsp;
+We have a little front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up
+to the front door, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up.&nbsp;
+Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always come to the
+little side entrance, which saves the servant the trouble of going up
+to the front door, thereby taking her from her work.&nbsp; We have a
+nice little back garden which runs down to the railway.&nbsp; We were
+rather afraid of the noise of the trains at first, but the landlord
+said we should not notice them after a bit, and took &pound;2 off the
+rent.&nbsp; He was certainly right; and beyond the cracking of the garden
+wall at the bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience.</p>
+<p>After my work in the City, I like to be at home.&nbsp; What&rsquo;s
+the good of a home, if you are never in it?&nbsp; &ldquo;Home, Sweet
+Home,&rdquo; that&rsquo;s my motto.&nbsp; I am always in of an evening.&nbsp;
+Our old friend Gowing may drop in without ceremony; so may Cummings,
+who lives opposite.&nbsp; My dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to
+see them, if they like to drop in on us.&nbsp; But Carrie and I can
+manage to pass our evenings together without friends.&nbsp; There is
+always something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put
+straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail down&mdash;all
+of which I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not above
+putting a button on a shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the
+&ldquo;Sylvia Gavotte&rdquo; on our new cottage piano (on the three
+years&rsquo; system), manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters),
+from Collard and Collard (in very large letters).&nbsp; It is also a
+great comfort to us to know that our boy Willie is getting on so well
+in the Bank at Oldham.&nbsp; We should like to see more of him.&nbsp;
+Now for my diary:-</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>April 3.&mdash;Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson,
+the ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools.&nbsp;
+By-the-by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and
+the bells must be seen to.&nbsp; The parlour bell is broken, and the
+front door rings up in the servant&rsquo;s bedroom, which is ridiculous.&nbsp;
+Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but wouldn&rsquo;t stay, saying there
+was an infernal smell of paint.</p>
+<p>April 4.&nbsp; Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged
+to deal with Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop.&nbsp;
+Ordered a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial.&nbsp;
+Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh
+butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for kitchen, and a shilling&rsquo;s
+worth of eggs.&nbsp; In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in
+to show me a meerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and
+told me to handle it carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the
+hand was moist.&nbsp; He said he wouldn&rsquo;t stay, as he didn&rsquo;t
+care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he
+went out.&nbsp; Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into
+a <i>scrape</i>.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t often make jokes.</p>
+<p>April 5.&mdash;Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged
+with another butcher without consulting me.&nbsp; Gowing called, and
+fell over scraper coming in.&nbsp; <i>Must</i> get that scraper removed.</p>
+<p>April 6.&mdash;Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back
+to Borset with my compliments, and he needn&rsquo;t call any more for
+orders.&nbsp; Couldn&rsquo;t find umbrella, and though it was pouring
+with rain, had to go without it.&nbsp; Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have
+took it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the &lsquo;all
+that didn&rsquo;t belong to nobody.&nbsp; In the evening, hearing someone
+talking in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs hall, I went
+out to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was Borset, the
+butterman, who was both drunk and offensive.&nbsp; Borset, on seeing
+me, said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any more&mdash;the
+game wasn&rsquo;t worth the candle.&nbsp; I restrained my feelings,
+and quietly remarked that I thought it was <i>possible</i> for a city
+clerk to be a <i>gentleman</i>.&nbsp; He replied he was very glad to
+hear it, and wanted to know whether I had ever come across one, for
+<i>he</i> hadn&rsquo;t.&nbsp; He left the house, slamming the door after
+him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and I heard him fall over the
+scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn&rsquo;t removed it.&nbsp; When
+he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to have given him.&nbsp;
+However, I will keep it for another occasion.</p>
+<p>April 7.&mdash;Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early,
+and putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the
+office were absent through illness, and I did not get home till seven.&nbsp;
+Found Borset waiting.&nbsp; He had been three times during the day to
+apologise for his conduct last night.&nbsp; He said he was unable to
+take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last night instead.&nbsp;
+He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of fresh butter.&nbsp;
+He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow; so I gave him an order
+for some fresh eggs, with a request that on this occasion they <i>should</i>
+be fresh.&nbsp; I am afraid we shall have to get some new stair-carpets
+after all; our old ones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint
+on either side.&nbsp; Carrie suggests that we might ourselves broaden
+the paint.&nbsp; I will see if we can match the colour (dark chocolate)
+on Monday.</p>
+<p>April 8, Sunday.&mdash;After Church, the Curate came back with us.&nbsp;
+I sent Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on special
+occasions.&nbsp; She could not get it open, and after all my display,
+I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch,) round
+the side entrance.&nbsp; He caught his foot in the scraper, and tore
+the bottom of his trousers.&nbsp; Most annoying, as Carrie could not
+well offer to repair them on a Sunday.&nbsp; After dinner, went to sleep.&nbsp;
+Took a walk round the garden, and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing
+mustard-and-cress and radishes.&nbsp; Went to Church again in the evening:
+walked back with the Curate.&nbsp; Carrie noticed he had got on the
+same pair of trousers, only repaired.&nbsp; He wants me to take round
+the plate, which I think a great compliment.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER II</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome.&nbsp; Gowing rather
+tiresome with his complaints of the paint.&nbsp; I make one of the best
+jokes of my life.&nbsp; Delights of Gardening.&nbsp; Mr. Stillbrook,
+Gowing, Cummings, and I have a little misunderstanding.&nbsp; Sarah
+makes me look a fool before Cummings</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>April 9.&mdash;Commenced the morning badly.&nbsp; The butcher, whom
+we decided <i>not</i> to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in
+the most uncalled-for manner.&nbsp; He began by abusing me, and saying
+he did not want my custom.&nbsp; I simply said: &ldquo;Then what are
+you making all this fuss about it for?&rdquo;&nbsp; And he shouted out
+at the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could hear: &ldquo;Pah!
+go along.&nbsp; Ugh!&nbsp; I could buy up &lsquo;things&rsquo; like
+you by the dozen!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this disgraceful
+scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent kicking at the
+door, enough to break the panels.&nbsp; It was the blackguard butcher
+again, who said he had cut his foot over the scraper, and would immediately
+bring an action against me.&nbsp; Called at Farmerson&rsquo;s, the ironmonger,
+on my way to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper and repairing
+the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the landlord
+with such a trifling matter.</p>
+<p>Arrived home tired and worried.&nbsp; Mr. Putley, a painter and decorator,
+who had sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs,
+as it contained Indian carmine.&nbsp; He said he spent half-a-day calling
+at warehouses to see if he could get it.&nbsp; He suggested he should
+entirely repaint the stairs.&nbsp; It would cost very little more; if
+he tried to match it, he could only make a bad job of it.&nbsp; It would
+be more satisfactory to him and to us to have the work done properly.&nbsp;
+I consented, but felt I had been talked over.&nbsp; Planted some mustard-and-cress
+and radishes, and went to bed at nine.</p>
+<p>April 10.&mdash;Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself.&nbsp;
+He seems a very civil fellow.&nbsp; He says he does not usually conduct
+such small jobs personally, but for me he would do so.&nbsp; I thanked
+him, and went to town.&nbsp; It is disgraceful how late some of the
+young clerks are at arriving.&nbsp; I told three of them that if Mr.
+Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be discharged.</p>
+<p>Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks,
+told me &ldquo;to keep my hair on!&rdquo;&nbsp; I informed him I had
+had the honour of being in the firm twenty years, to which he insolently
+replied that I &ldquo;looked it.&rdquo;&nbsp; I gave him an indignant
+look, and said: &ldquo;I demand from you some respect, sir.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He replied: &ldquo;All right, go on demanding.&rdquo;&nbsp; I would
+not argue with him any further.&nbsp; You cannot argue with people like
+that.&nbsp; In the evening Gowing called, and repeated his complaint
+about the smell of paint.&nbsp; Gowing is sometimes very tedious with
+his remarks, and not always cautious; and Carrie once very properly
+reminded him that she was present.</p>
+<p>April 11.&mdash;Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet.&nbsp;
+To-day was a day of annoyances.&nbsp; I missed the quarter-to-nine &rsquo;bus
+to the City, through having words with the grocer&rsquo;s boy, who for
+the second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall-door,
+and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the fresh-cleaned door-steps.&nbsp;
+He said he had knocked at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter
+of an hour.&nbsp; I knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as
+she was upstairs doing the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not
+ring the bell?&nbsp; He replied that he did pull the bell, but the handle
+came off in his hand.</p>
+<p>I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened
+to me before.&nbsp; There has recently been much irregularity in the
+attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately
+choose this very morning to pounce down upon us early.&nbsp; Someone
+had given the tip to the others.&nbsp; The result was that I was the
+only one late of the lot.&nbsp; Buckling, one of the senior clerks,
+was a brick, and I was saved by his intervention.&nbsp; As I passed
+by Pitt&rsquo;s desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour: &ldquo;How
+disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!&rdquo;&nbsp; This
+was, of course, meant for me.&nbsp; I treated the observation with silence,
+simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of making
+both of the clerks laugh.&nbsp; Thought afterwards it would have been
+more dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all.&nbsp;
+Cummings called in the evening, and we played dominoes.</p>
+<p>April 12.&mdash;Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet.&nbsp;
+Left Farmerson repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three
+men working.&nbsp; I asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that
+in making a fresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe.&nbsp; He said
+it was a most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who
+did it evidently knew nothing about his business.&nbsp; I felt his excuse
+was no consolation for the expense I shall be put to.</p>
+<p>In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke
+together in the breakfast-parlour.&nbsp; Carrie joined us later, but
+did not stay long, saying the smoke was too much for her.&nbsp; It was
+also rather too much for me, for Gowing had given me what he called
+a green cigar, one that his friend Shoemach had just brought over from
+America.&nbsp; The cigar didn&rsquo;t look green, but I fancy I must
+have done so; for when I had smoked a little more than half I was obliged
+to retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.</p>
+<p>I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need
+of fresh air.&nbsp; On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered
+me another cigar, which I politely declined.&nbsp; Gowing began his
+usual sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: &ldquo;You&rsquo;re not
+going to complain of the smell of paint again?&rdquo;&nbsp; He said:
+&ldquo;No, not this time; but I&rsquo;ll tell you what, I distinctly
+smell dry rot.&rdquo;&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t often make jokes, but I replied:
+&ldquo;You&rsquo;re talking a lot of <i>dry rot</i> yourself.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie said her sides quite ached
+with laughter.&nbsp; I never was so immensely tickled by anything I
+have ever said before.&nbsp; I actually woke up twice during the night,
+and laughed till the bed shook.</p>
+<p>April 13.&mdash;An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in
+a woman to make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa
+to prevent the sun fading the green rep of the furniture.&nbsp; I saw
+the woman, and recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago
+for my old aunt at Clapham.&nbsp; It only shows how small the world
+is.</p>
+<p>April 14.&mdash;Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having
+this morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little
+book, in good condition, on <i>Gardening</i>.&nbsp; I procured and sowed
+some half-hardy annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border.&nbsp;
+I thought of a joke, and called out Carrie.&nbsp; Carrie came out rather
+testy, I thought.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;I have just discovered we have
+got a lodging-house.&rdquo;&nbsp; She replied: &ldquo;How do you mean?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I said: &ldquo;Look at the <i>boarders</i>.&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie said:
+&ldquo;Is that all you wanted me for?&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Any
+other time you would have laughed at my little pleasantry.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Carrie said: &ldquo;Certainly&mdash;<i>at any other time</i>, but not
+when I am busy in the house.&rdquo;&nbsp; The stairs looked very nice.&nbsp;
+Gowing called, and said the stairs looked <i>all right</i>, but it made
+the banisters look <i>all wrong</i>, and suggested a coat of paint on
+them also, which Carrie quite agreed with.&nbsp; I walked round to Putley,
+and fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banisters
+slide.&nbsp; By-the-by, that is rather funny.</p>
+<p>April 15, Sunday.&mdash;At three o&rsquo;clock Cummings and Gowing
+called for a good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought
+with them a friend named Stillbrook.&nbsp; We walked and chatted together,
+except Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the
+ground and cutting at the grass with his stick.</p>
+<p>As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowing
+suggested that we should make for &ldquo;The Cow and Hedge&rdquo; and
+get some tea.&nbsp; Stillbrook said: &ldquo;A brandy-and-soda was good
+enough for him.&rdquo;&nbsp; I reminded them that all public-houses
+were closed till six o&rsquo;clock.&nbsp; Stillbrook said, &ldquo;That&rsquo;s
+all right&mdash;<i>bona-fide</i> travellers.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the
+gate said: &ldquo;Where from?&rdquo;&nbsp; I replied: &ldquo;Holloway.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He immediately put up his arm, and declined to let me pass.&nbsp; I
+turned back for a moment, when I saw Stillbrook, closely followed by
+Cummings and Gowing, make for the entrance.&nbsp; I watched them, and
+thought I would have a good laugh at their expense, I heard the porter
+say: &ldquo;Where from?&rdquo;&nbsp; When, to my surprise, in fact disgust,
+Stillbrook replied: &ldquo;Blackheath,&rdquo; and the three were immediately
+admitted.</p>
+<p>Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: &ldquo;We shan&rsquo;t
+be a minute.&rdquo;&nbsp; I waited for them the best part of an hour.&nbsp;
+When they appeared they were all in most excellent spirits, and the
+only one who made an effort to apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said
+to me: &ldquo;It was very rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had
+another spin for S. and B.&rsquo;s.&rdquo;&nbsp; I walked home in silence;
+I couldn&rsquo;t speak to them.&nbsp; I felt very dull all the evening,
+but deemed it advisable <i>not</i> to say anything to Carrie about the
+matter.</p>
+<p>April 16.&mdash;After business, set to work in the garden.&nbsp;
+When it got dark I wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called,
+for a wonder; perhaps they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday&rsquo;s
+adventure at &ldquo;The Cow and Hedge.&rdquo;&nbsp; Afterwards made
+up my mind not to write <i>yet</i>.</p>
+<p>April 17.&mdash;Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing
+and Cummings about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook.&nbsp;
+Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and determined
+not to <i>write</i> at all, but to <i>speak</i> quietly to them.&nbsp;
+Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter from Cummings, saying that both
+he and Gowing had been waiting for an explanation of <i>my</i> (mind
+you, MY) extraordinary conduct coming home on Sunday.&nbsp; At last
+I wrote: &ldquo;I thought I was the aggrieved party; but as I freely
+forgive you, you&mdash;feeling yourself aggrieved&mdash;should bestow
+forgiveness on me.&rdquo;&nbsp; I have copied this <i>verbatim</i> in
+the diary, because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful
+sentences I have ever written.&nbsp; I posted the letter, but in my
+own heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted.</p>
+<p>April 18.&mdash;Am in for a cold.&nbsp; Spent the whole day at the
+office sneezing.&nbsp; In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent
+Sarah out for a bottle of Kinahan.&nbsp; Fell asleep in the arm-chair,
+and woke with the shivers.&nbsp; Was startled by a loud knock at the
+front door.&nbsp; Carrie awfully flurried.&nbsp; Sarah still out, so
+went up, opened the door, and found it was only Cummings.&nbsp; Remembered
+the grocer&rsquo;s boy had again broken the side-bell.&nbsp; Cummings
+squeezed my hand, and said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve just seen Gowing.&nbsp;
+All right.&nbsp; Say no more about it.&rdquo;&nbsp; There is no doubt
+they are both under the impression I have apologised.</p>
+<p>While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: &ldquo;By-the-by,
+do you want any wine or spirits?&nbsp; My cousin Merton has just set
+up in the trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, at
+thirty-eight shillings.&nbsp; It is worth your while laying down a few
+dozen of it.&rdquo;&nbsp; I told him my cellars, which were very small,
+were full up.&nbsp; To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah entered
+the room, and putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of
+newspaper, on the table in front of us, said: &ldquo;Please, sir, the
+grocer says he ain&rsquo;t got no more Kinahan, but you&rsquo;ll find
+this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned on the bottle;
+and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has some at one-and-three,
+as dry as a nut!&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER III</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society.&nbsp; Mr. and Mrs. James,
+of Sutton, come up.&nbsp; A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre.&nbsp;
+Experiments with enamel paint.&nbsp; I make another good joke; but Gowing
+and Cummings are unnecessarily offended.&nbsp; I paint the bath red,
+with unexpected result.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>April 19.&mdash;Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton,
+who is in the wine trade.&nbsp; Gowing also called.&nbsp; Mr. Merton
+made himself at home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with
+him immediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.</p>
+<p>He leaned back in his chair and said: &ldquo;You must take me as
+I am;&rdquo; and I replied: &ldquo;Yes&mdash;and you must take us as
+we are.&nbsp; We&rsquo;re homely people, we are not swells.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He answered: &ldquo;No, I can see that,&rdquo; and Gowing roared
+with laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing:
+&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think you quite understand me.&nbsp; I intended
+to convey that our charming host and hostess were superior to the follies
+of fashion, and preferred leading a simple and wholesome life to gadding
+about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drinking afternoons, and living above
+their incomes.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton&rsquo;s,
+and concluded that subject by saying: &ldquo;No, candidly, Mr. Merton,
+we don&rsquo;t go into Society, because we do not care for it; and what
+with the expense of cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and white
+ties, etc., it doesn&rsquo;t seem worth the money.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Merton said in reference to <i>friends</i>: &ldquo;My motto is &lsquo;Few
+and True;&rsquo; and, by the way, I also apply that to wine, &lsquo;Little
+and Good.&rsquo;&rdquo;&nbsp; Gowing said: &ldquo;Yes, and sometimes
+&lsquo;cheap and tasty,&rsquo; eh, old man?&rdquo;&nbsp; Merton, still
+continuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and put me down for
+a dozen of his &ldquo;Lockanbar&rdquo; whisky, and as I was an old friend
+of Gowing, I should have it for 36s., which was considerably under what
+he paid for it.</p>
+<p>He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted
+any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood
+good for any theatre in London.</p>
+<p>April 20.&mdash;Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend,
+Annie Fullers (now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton
+for a few days, it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and
+would I drop a line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either
+for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum.&nbsp; I wrote Merton
+to that effect.</p>
+<p>April 21.&mdash;Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy,
+and just at present couldn&rsquo;t manage passes for the Italian Opera,
+Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was
+the <i>Brown Bushes</i>, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed
+seats for four; also bill for whisky.</p>
+<p>April 23.&mdash;Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to
+meat tea, and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre.&nbsp; We
+got a &rsquo;bus that took us to King&rsquo;s Cross, and then changed
+into one that took us to the &ldquo;Angel.&rdquo;&nbsp; Mr. James each
+time insisted on paying for all, saying that I had paid for the tickets
+and that was quite enough.</p>
+<p>We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our &rsquo;bus-load
+except an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in.&nbsp; I walked
+ahead and presented the tickets.&nbsp; The man looked at them, and called
+out: &ldquo;Mr. Willowly! do you know anything about these?&rdquo; holding
+up my tickets.&nbsp; The gentleman called to, came up and examined my
+tickets, and said: &ldquo;Who gave you these?&rdquo;&nbsp; I said, rather
+indignantly: &ldquo;Mr. Merton, of course.&rdquo;&nbsp; He said: &ldquo;Merton?&nbsp;
+Who&rsquo;s he?&rdquo;&nbsp; I answered, rather sharply: &ldquo;You
+ought to know, his name&rsquo;s good at any theatre in London.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He replied: &ldquo;Oh! is it?&nbsp; Well, it ain&rsquo;t no good here.&nbsp;
+These tickets, which are not dated, were issued under Mr. Swinstead&rsquo;s
+management, which has since changed hands.&rdquo;&nbsp; While I was
+having some very unpleasant words with the man, James, who had gone
+upstairs with the ladies, called out: &ldquo;Come on!&rdquo;&nbsp; I
+went up after them, and a very civil attendant said: &ldquo;This way,
+please, box H.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said to James: &ldquo;Why, how on earth
+did you manage it?&rdquo; and to my horror he replied: &ldquo;Why, paid
+for it of course.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play,
+but I was doomed to still further humiliation.&nbsp; I was leaning out
+of the box, when my tie&mdash;a little black bow which fastened on to
+the stud by means of a new patent&mdash;fell into the pit below.&nbsp;
+A clumsy man not noticing it, had his foot on it for ever so long before
+he discovered it.&nbsp; He then picked it up and eventually flung it
+under the next seat in disgust.&nbsp; What with the box incident and
+the tie, I felt quite miserable.&nbsp; Mr. James, of Sutton, was very
+good.&nbsp; He said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t worry&mdash;no one will notice
+it with your beard.&nbsp; That is the only advantage of growing one
+that I can see.&rdquo;&nbsp; There was no occasion for that remark,
+for Carrie is very proud of my beard.</p>
+<p>To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest
+of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck.</p>
+<p>April 24.&mdash;Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having
+brought up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre
+last night, and his having paid for a private box because our order
+was not honoured, and such a poor play too.&nbsp; I wrote a very satirical
+letter to Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said,
+&ldquo;Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did our best to appreciate
+the performance.&rdquo;&nbsp; I thought this line rather cutting, and
+I asked Carrie how many p&rsquo;s there were in appreciate, and she
+said, &ldquo;One.&rdquo;&nbsp; After I sent off the letter I looked
+at the dictionary and found there were two.&nbsp; Awfully vexed at this.</p>
+<p>Decided not to worry myself any more about the James&rsquo;s; for,
+as Carrie wisely said, &ldquo;We&rsquo;ll make it all right with them
+by asking them up from Sutton one evening next week to play at B&eacute;zique.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>April 25.&mdash;In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was
+working wonders with the new Pinkford&rsquo;s enamel paint, I determined
+to try it.&nbsp; I bought two tins of red on my way home.&nbsp; I hastened
+through tea, went into the garden and painted some flower-pots.&nbsp;
+I called out Carrie, who said: &ldquo;You&rsquo;ve always got some newfangled
+craze;&rdquo; but she was obliged to admit that the flower-pots looked
+remarkably well.&nbsp; Went upstairs into the servant&rsquo;s bedroom
+and painted her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of drawers.&nbsp;
+To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement, but as an example of
+the ignorance of the lower classes in the matter of taste, our servant,
+Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said
+&ldquo;she thought they looked very well as they was before.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>April 26.&mdash;Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind,
+being the best colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs
+of our <i>Shakspeare</i>, the binding of which had almost worn out.</p>
+<p>April 27.&mdash;Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the
+result.&nbsp; Sorry to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words
+about it.&nbsp; She said I ought to have consulted her, and she had
+never heard of such a thing as a bath being painted red.&nbsp; I replied:
+&ldquo;It&rsquo;s merely a matter of taste.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice
+saying, &ldquo;May I come in?&rdquo;&nbsp; It was only Cummings, who
+said, &ldquo;Your maid opened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing
+me in, as she was wringing out some socks.&rdquo;&nbsp; I was delighted
+to see him, and suggested we should have a game of whist with a dummy,
+and by way of merriment said: &ldquo;You can be the dummy.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Cummings (I thought rather ill-naturedly) replied: &ldquo;Funny as usual.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He said he couldn&rsquo;t stop, he only called to leave me the <i>Bicycle
+News</i>, as he had done with it.</p>
+<p>Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he &ldquo;must
+apologise for coming so often, and that one of these days we must come
+round to <i>him</i>.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;A very extraordinary
+thing has struck me.&rdquo;&nbsp; &ldquo;Something funny, as usual,&rdquo;
+said Cummings.&nbsp; &ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; I replied; &ldquo;I think even
+you will say so this time.&nbsp; It&rsquo;s concerning you both; for
+doesn&rsquo;t it seem odd that Gowing&rsquo;s always coming and Cummings&rsquo;
+always going?&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie, who had evidently quite forgotten
+about the bath, went into fits of laughter, and as for myself, I fairly
+doubled up in my chair, till it cracked beneath me.&nbsp; I think this
+was one of the best jokes I have ever made.</p>
+<p>Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing
+perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces.&nbsp; After rather
+an unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed it
+up again and said: &ldquo;Yes&mdash;I think, after that, I <i>shall</i>
+be going, and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Gowing said he didn&rsquo;t mind a joke when it wasn&rsquo;t rude, but
+a pun on a name, to his thinking, was certainly a little wanting in
+good taste.&nbsp; Cummings followed it up by saying, if it had been
+said by anyone else but myself, he shouldn&rsquo;t have entered the
+house again.&nbsp; This rather unpleasantly terminated what might have
+been a cheerful evening.&nbsp; However, it was as well they went, for
+the charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.</p>
+<p>April 28.&mdash;At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt,
+who was very impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again.&nbsp;
+I told him it would be my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal.&nbsp;
+To my surprise, Pitt apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly
+fashion.&nbsp; I was unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement
+in his manner towards me, and told him I would look over his unpunctuality.&nbsp;
+Passing down the room an hour later.&nbsp; I received a smart smack
+in the face from a rolled-up ball of hard foolscap.&nbsp; I turned round
+sharply, but all the clerks were apparently riveted to their work.&nbsp;
+I am not a rich man, but I would give half-a-sovereign to know whether
+that was thrown by accident or design.&nbsp; Went home early and bought
+some more enamel paint&mdash;black this time&mdash;and spent the evening
+touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair of boots, making
+them look as good as new.&nbsp; Also painted Gowing&rsquo;s walking-stick,
+which he left behind, and made it look like ebony.</p>
+<p>April 29, Sunday.&mdash;Woke up with a fearful headache and strong
+symptoms of a cold.&nbsp; Carrie, with a perversity which is just like
+her, said it was &ldquo;painter&rsquo;s colic,&rdquo; and was the result
+of my having spent the last few days with my nose over a paint-pot.&nbsp;
+I told her firmly that I knew a great deal better what was the matter
+with me than she did.&nbsp; I had got a chill, and decided to have a
+bath as hot as I could bear it.&nbsp; Bath ready&mdash;could scarcely
+bear it so hot.&nbsp; I persevered, and got in; very hot, but very acceptable.&nbsp;
+I lay still for some time.</p>
+<p>On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced the
+greatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for
+imagine my horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of blood.&nbsp;
+My first thought was that I had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding
+to death, and should be discovered, later on, looking like a second
+Marat, as I remember seeing him in Madame Tussaud&rsquo;s.&nbsp; My
+second thought was to ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell
+to ring.&nbsp; My third was, that there was nothing but the enamel paint,
+which had dissolved with boiling water.&nbsp; I stepped out of the bath,
+perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I have seen depicted
+at an East-End theatre.&nbsp; I determined not to say a word to Carrie,
+but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and paint the bath white.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>The ball at the Mansion House.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>April 30.&mdash;Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for
+Carrie and myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House,
+to &ldquo;meet the Representatives of Trades and Commerce.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+My heart beat like that of a schoolboy&rsquo;s.&nbsp; Carrie and I read
+the invitation over two or three times.&nbsp; I could scarcely eat my
+breakfast.&nbsp; I said&mdash;and I felt it from the bottom of my heart,&mdash;&ldquo;Carrie
+darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the aisle of the church
+on our wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if not surpassed, when
+I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady Mayoress at the
+Mansion House.&rdquo;&nbsp; I saw the tears in Carrie&rsquo;s eyes,
+and she said: &ldquo;Charlie dear, it is <i>I</i> who have to be proud
+of you.&nbsp; And I am very, very proud of you.&nbsp; You have called
+me pretty; and as long as I am pretty in your eyes, I am happy.&nbsp;
+You, dear old Charlie, are not handsome, but you are <i>good</i>, which
+is far more noble.&rdquo;&nbsp; I gave her a kiss, and she said: &ldquo;I
+wonder if there will be any dancing?&nbsp; I have not danced with you
+for years.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the
+waist, and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka
+when Sarah entered, grinning, and said: &ldquo;There is a man, mum,
+at the door who wants to know if you want any good coals.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Most annoyed at this.&nbsp; Spent the evening in answering, and tearing
+up again, the reply to the Mansion House, having left word with Sarah
+if Gowing or Cummings called we were not at home.&nbsp; Must consult
+Mr. Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor&rsquo;s invitation.</p>
+<p>May 1.&mdash;Carrie said: &ldquo;I should like to send mother the
+invitation to look at.&rdquo;&nbsp; I consented, as soon as I had answered
+it.&nbsp; I told Mr. Perkupp, at the office, with a feeling of pride,
+that we had received an invitation to the Mansion House; and he said,
+to my astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lord Mayor&rsquo;s
+secretary.&nbsp; I felt this rather discounted the value of the invitation,
+but I thanked him; and in reply to me, he described how I was to answer
+it.&nbsp; I felt the reply was too simple; but of course Mr. Perkupp
+knows best.</p>
+<p>May 2.&mdash;Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor&rsquo;s
+round the corner, to have the creases taken out.&nbsp; Told Gowing not
+to call next Monday, as we were going to the Mansion House.&nbsp; Sent
+similar note to Cummings.</p>
+<p>May 3.&mdash;Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about
+her dress for next Monday.&nbsp; While speaking incidentally to Spotch,
+one of our head clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: &ldquo;Oh,
+I&rsquo;m asked, but don&rsquo;t think I shall go.&rdquo;&nbsp; When
+a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel my invitation is considerably
+discounted.&nbsp; In the evening, while I was out, the little tailor
+brought round my coat and trousers, and because Sarah had not a shilling
+to pay for the pressing, he took them away again.</p>
+<p>May 4.&mdash;Carrie&rsquo;s mother returned the Lord Mayor&rsquo;s
+invitation, which was sent to her to look at, with apologies for having
+upset a glass of port over it.&nbsp; I was too angry to say anything.</p>
+<p>May 5.&mdash;Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday,
+and two white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying.</p>
+<p>May 6, Sunday.&mdash;A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to
+say, I twice thought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow.</p>
+<p>May 7.&mdash;A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor&rsquo;s reception.&nbsp;
+The whole house upset.&nbsp; I had to get dressed at half-past six,
+as Carrie wanted the room to herself.&nbsp; Mrs. James had come up from
+Sutton to help Carrie; so I could not help thinking it unreasonable
+that she should require the entire attention of Sarah, the servant,
+as well.&nbsp; Sarah kept running out of the house to fetch &ldquo;something
+for missis,&rdquo; and several times I had, in my full evening-dress,
+to answer the back-door.</p>
+<p>The last time it was the greengrocer&rsquo;s boy, who, not seeing
+it was me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two
+cabbages and half-a-dozen coal-blocks.&nbsp; I indignantly threw them
+on the ground, and felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to
+box the boy&rsquo;s ears.&nbsp; He went away crying, and said he should
+summons me, a thing I would not have happen for the world.&nbsp; In
+the dark, I stepped on a piece of the cabbage, which brought me down
+on the flags all of a heap.&nbsp; For a moment I was stunned, but when
+I recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking
+into the chimney-glass discovered that my chin was bleeding, my shirt
+smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at the knee.</p>
+<p>However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed
+in the drawing-room.&nbsp; I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin,
+and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the knee.&nbsp; At nine o&rsquo;clock
+Carrie swept into the room, looking like a queen.&nbsp; Never have I
+seen her look so lovely, or so distinguished.&nbsp; She was wearing
+a satin dress of sky-blue&mdash;my favourite colour&mdash;and a piece
+of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders, to give a finish.&nbsp;
+I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long behind, and decidedly
+too short in front, but Mrs. James said it was <i>&agrave; la mode</i>.&nbsp;
+Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers,
+the value of which, she said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged
+to the Kachu eagle&mdash;a bird now extinct.&nbsp; I preferred the little
+white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six at Shoolbred&rsquo;s,
+but both ladies sat on me at once.</p>
+<p>We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather fortunate,
+for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciously
+condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I must say I was disappointed
+to find he did not even know Mr. Perkupp, our principal.</p>
+<p>I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who
+did not know the Lord Mayor himself.&nbsp; Crowds arrived, and I shall
+never forget the grand sight.&nbsp; My humble pen can never describe
+it.&nbsp; I was a little annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying: &ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t
+it a pity we don&rsquo;t know anybody?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Once she quite lost her head.&nbsp; I saw someone who looked like
+Franching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized
+me by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t leave
+me,&rdquo; which caused an elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a
+chain round him, and two ladies, to burst out laughing.&nbsp; There
+was an immense crowd in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid
+supper&mdash;any amount of champagne.</p>
+<p>Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I
+sometimes think she is not strong.&nbsp; There was scarcely a dish she
+did not taste.&nbsp; I was so thirsty, I could not eat much.&nbsp; Receiving
+a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson,
+our ironmonger.&nbsp; He said, in the most familiar way: &ldquo;This
+is better than Brickfield Terrace, eh?&rdquo;&nbsp; I simply looked
+at him, and said coolly: &ldquo;I never expected to see you here.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: &ldquo;I like that&mdash;if <i>you</i>,
+why not <i>me</i>?&rdquo;&nbsp; I replied: &ldquo;Certainly,&rdquo;
+I wish I could have thought of something better to say.&nbsp; He said:
+&ldquo;Can I get your good lady anything?&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie said:
+&ldquo;No, I thank you,&rdquo; for which I was pleased.&nbsp; I said,
+by way of reproof to him: &ldquo;You never sent to-day to paint the
+bath, as I requested.&rdquo;&nbsp; Farmerson said: &ldquo;Pardon me,
+Mr. Pooter, no shop when we&rsquo;re in company, please.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court
+costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old friend,
+and asked him to dine with him at his lodge.&nbsp; I was astonished.&nbsp;
+For full five minutes they stood roaring with laughter, and stood digging
+each other in the ribs.&nbsp; They kept telling each other they didn&rsquo;t
+look a day older.&nbsp; They began embracing each other and drinking
+champagne.</p>
+<p>To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member
+of our aristocracy!&nbsp; I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson
+seized me rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff,
+said: &ldquo;Let me introduce my neighbour, Pooter.&rdquo;&nbsp; He
+did not even say &ldquo;Mister.&rdquo;&nbsp; The sheriff handed me a
+glass of champagne.&nbsp; I felt, after all, it was a great honour to
+drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so.&nbsp; We stood chatting
+for some time, and at last I said: &ldquo;You must excuse me now if
+I join Mrs. Pooter.&rdquo;&nbsp; When I approached her, she said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t
+let me take you away from friends.&nbsp; I am quite happy standing here
+alone in a crowd, knowing nobody!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time
+nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: &ldquo;I hope
+my darling little wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of saying
+we had danced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord Mayor.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Finding the dancing after supper was less formal, and knowing how much
+Carrie used to admire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round
+her waist and we commenced a waltz.</p>
+<p>A most unfortunate accident occurred.&nbsp; I had got on a new pair
+of boots.&nbsp; Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie&rsquo;s advice;
+namely, to scratch the soles of them with the points of the scissors
+or to put a little wet on them.&nbsp; I had scarcely started when, like
+lightning, my left foot slipped away and I came down, the side of my
+head striking the floor with such violence that for a second or two
+I did not know what had happened.&nbsp; I needly hardly say that Carrie
+fell with me with equal violence, breaking the comb in her hair and
+grazing her elbow.</p>
+<p>There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when
+people found that we had really hurt ourselves.&nbsp; A gentleman assisted
+Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger
+of having a plain polished floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent
+people slipping.&nbsp; The gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts,
+insisted on escorting Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation
+which I was pleased to allow Carrie to accept.</p>
+<p>I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud
+voice &ldquo;Oh, are you the one who went down?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I answered with an indignant look.</p>
+<p>With execrable taste, he said: &ldquo;Look here, old man, we are
+too old for this game.&nbsp; We must leave these capers to the youngsters.&nbsp;
+Come and have another glass, that is more in our line.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed
+the others into the supper-room.</p>
+<p>Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined
+to stay longer.&nbsp; As we were departing, Farmerson said: &ldquo;Are
+you going? if so, you might give me a lift.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted Carrie.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER V</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>After the Mansion House Ball.&nbsp; Carrie offended.&nbsp; Gowing
+also offended.&nbsp; A pleasant party at the Cummings&rsquo;.&nbsp;
+Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits us.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>May 8.&mdash;I woke up with a most terrible head-ache.&nbsp; I could
+scarcely see, and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick.&nbsp;
+I thought first of sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary.&nbsp;
+When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish&rsquo;s, the chemist, who
+gave me a draught.&nbsp; So bad at the office, had to get leave to come
+home.&nbsp; Went to another chemist in the City, and I got a draught.&nbsp;
+Brownish&rsquo;s dose seems to have made me worse; have eaten nothing
+all day.&nbsp; To make matters worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to
+her, answered me sharply&mdash;that is, when she answered at all.</p>
+<p>In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: &ldquo;I
+do believe I&rsquo;ve been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the
+Mansion House last night;&rdquo; she simply replied, without taking
+her eyes from her sewing: &ldquo;Champagne never did agree with you.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I felt irritated, and said: &ldquo;What nonsense you talk; I only had
+a glass and a half, and you know as well as I do&mdash;&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Before I could complete the sentence she bounced out of the room.&nbsp;
+I sat over an hour waiting for her to return; but as she did not, I
+determined I would go to bed.&nbsp; I discovered Carrie had gone to
+bed without even saying &ldquo;good-night&rdquo;; leaving me to bar
+the scullery door and feed the cat.&nbsp; I shall certainly speak to
+her about this in the morning.</p>
+<p>May 9.&mdash;Still a little shaky, with black specks.&nbsp; The <i>Blackfriars
+Bi-weekly News</i> contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion
+House Ball.&nbsp; Disappointed to find our names omitted, though Farmerson&rsquo;s
+is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever that may mean.&nbsp;
+More than vexed, because we had ordered a dozen copies to send to our
+friends.&nbsp; Wrote to the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>, pointing
+out their omission.</p>
+<p>Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour.&nbsp;
+I helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly:
+&ldquo;Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>She replied, &ldquo;Indeed! and I desire something more than a little
+explanation of your conduct the night before.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said, coolly: &ldquo;Really, I don&rsquo;t understand you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Carrie said sneeringly: &ldquo;Probably not; you were scarcely in
+a condition to understand anything.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: &ldquo;Caroline!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>She said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t be theatrical, it has no effect on me.&nbsp;
+Reserve that tone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never
+seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue.&nbsp; She said: &ldquo;Now
+<i>I&rsquo;m</i> going to say something!&nbsp; After professing to snub
+Mr. Farmerson, you permit him to snub <i>you</i>, in my presence, and
+then accept his invitation to take a glass of champagne with you, and
+you don&rsquo;t limit yourself to one glass.&nbsp; You then offer this
+vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our
+cab on the way home.&nbsp; I say nothing about his tearing my dress
+in getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James&rsquo;s expensive
+fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he never even apologised;
+but you smoked all the way home without having the decency to ask my
+permission.&nbsp; That is not all!&nbsp; At the end of the journey,
+although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of the cab,
+you asked him in.&nbsp; Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect,
+from my manner, that his company was not desirable.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make matters
+worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two hats on his
+head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie&rsquo;s fur
+tippet (which he had taken off the downstairs hall-peg) round his neck,
+and announced himself in a loud, coarse voice: &ldquo;His Royal Highness,
+the Lord Mayor!&rdquo;&nbsp; He marched twice round the room like a
+buffoon, and finding we took no notice, said: &ldquo;Hulloh! what&rsquo;s
+up?&nbsp; Lovers&rsquo; quarrel, eh?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: &ldquo;My dear
+Gowing, I&rsquo;m not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking;
+especially when you enter the room without knocking, an act which I
+fail to see the fun of.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m very sorry, but I called for my stick,
+which I thought you would have sent round.&rdquo;&nbsp; I handed him
+his stick, which I remembered I had painted black with the enamel paint,
+thinking to improve it.&nbsp; He looked at it for a minute with a dazed
+expression and said: &ldquo;Who did this?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Eh, did what?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He said: &ldquo;Did what?&nbsp; Why, destroyed my stick!&nbsp; It
+belonged to my poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I have
+in the world!&nbsp; I&rsquo;ll know who did it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m very sorry.&nbsp; I dare say it will come
+off.&nbsp; I did it for the best.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;Then all I can say is, it&rsquo;s a confounded
+liberty; and I <i>would</i> add, you&rsquo;re a bigger fool than you
+look, only <i>that&rsquo;s</i> absolutely impossible.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>May 12.&mdash;Got a single copy of the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>.&nbsp;
+There was a short list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid
+people had mentioned our names as &ldquo;Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Most annoying!&nbsp; Wrote again and I took particular care to write
+our name in capital letters, <i>POOTER</i>, so that there should be
+no possible mistake this time.</p>
+<p>May 16.&mdash;Absolutely disgusted on opening the <i>Blackfriars
+Bi-weekly News</i> of to-day, to find the following paragraph: &ldquo;We
+have received two letters from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting
+us to announce the important fact that they were at the Mansion House
+Ball.&rdquo;&nbsp; I tore up the paper and threw it in the waste-paper
+basket.&nbsp; My time is far too valuable to bother about such trifles.</p>
+<p>May 21.&mdash;The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being
+away at Mrs. James&rsquo;s, at Sutton.&nbsp; Cummings also away.&nbsp;
+Gowing, I presume, is still offended with me for black enamelling his
+stick without asking him.</p>
+<p>May 22.&mdash;Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost
+seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it round
+with nice note to Gowing.</p>
+<p>May 23.&mdash;Received strange note from Gowing; he said: &ldquo;Offended?
+not a bit, my boy&mdash;I thought you were offended with me for losing
+my temper.&nbsp; Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old
+uncle&rsquo;s stick you painted.&nbsp; It was only a shilling thing
+I bought at a tobacconist&rsquo;s.&nbsp; However, I am much obliged
+to you for your handsome present all same.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>May 24.&mdash;Carrie back.&nbsp; Hoorah!&nbsp; She looks wonderfully
+well, except that the sun has caught her nose.</p>
+<p>May 25.&mdash;Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me
+to take them to Trillip&rsquo;s round the corner.&nbsp; She said: &ldquo;The
+fronts and cuffs are much frayed.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said without a moment&rsquo;s
+hesitation: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m <i>&rsquo;frayed</i> they are.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Lor! how we roared.&nbsp; I thought we should never stop laughing.&nbsp;
+As I happened to be sitting next the driver going to town on the &rsquo;bus,
+I told him my joke about the &ldquo;frayed&rdquo; shirts.&nbsp; I thought
+he would have rolled off his seat.&nbsp; They laughed at the office
+a good bit too over it.</p>
+<p>May 26.&mdash;Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip&rsquo;s.&nbsp;
+I said to him: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m <i>&rsquo;fraid</i> they are <i>frayed</i>.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He said, without a smile: &ldquo;They&rsquo;re bound to do that, sir.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour.</p>
+<p>June 1.&mdash;The last week has been like old times, Carrie being
+back, and Gowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly.&nbsp; Twice
+we sat out in the garden quite late.&nbsp; This evening we were like
+a pack of children, and played &ldquo;consequences.&rdquo;&nbsp; It
+is a good game.</p>
+<p>June 2.&mdash;&ldquo;Consequences&rdquo; again this evening.&nbsp;
+Not quite so successful as last night; Gowing having several times overstepped
+the limits of good taste.</p>
+<p>June 4.&mdash;In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs.
+Cummings&rsquo; to spend a quiet evening with them.&nbsp; Gowing was
+there, also Mr. Stillbrook.&nbsp; It was quiet but pleasant.&nbsp; Mrs.
+Cummings sang five or six songs, &ldquo;No, Sir,&rdquo; and &ldquo;The
+Garden of Sleep,&rdquo; being best in my humble judgment; but what pleased
+me most was the duet she sang with Carrie&mdash;classical duet, too.&nbsp;
+I think it is called, &ldquo;I would that my love!&rdquo;&nbsp; It was
+beautiful.&nbsp; If Carrie had been in better voice, I don&rsquo;t think
+professionals could have sung it better.&nbsp; After supper we made
+them sing it again.&nbsp; I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since the walk
+that Sunday to the &ldquo;Cow and Hedge,&rdquo; but I must say he sings
+comic-songs well.&nbsp; His song: &ldquo;We don&rsquo;t Want the old
+men now,&rdquo; made us shriek with laughter, especially the verse referring
+to Mr. Gladstone; but there was one verse I think he might have omitted,
+and I said so, but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.</p>
+<p>June 6.&mdash;Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust,
+his charge for repairing was more than I gave for them when new.&nbsp;
+I told him so, and he impertinently replied: &ldquo;Well, they are better
+now than when they were new.&rdquo;&nbsp; I paid him, and said it was
+a robbery.&nbsp; He said: &ldquo;If you wanted your shirt-fronts made
+out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing and bookbinding, why
+didn&rsquo;t you say so?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>June 7.&mdash;A dreadful annoyance.&nbsp; Met Mr. Franching, who
+lives at Peckham, and who is a great swell in his way.&nbsp; I ventured
+to ask him to come home to meat-tea, and take pot-luck.&nbsp; I did
+not think he would accept such a humble invitation; but he did, saying,
+in a most friendly way, he would rather &ldquo;peck&rdquo; with us than
+by himself.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;We had better get into this blue &rsquo;bus.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He replied: &ldquo;No blue-bussing for me.&nbsp; I have had enough of
+the blues lately.&nbsp; I lost a cool &lsquo;thou&rsquo; over the Copper
+Scare.&nbsp; Step in here.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked three times
+at the front door without getting an answer.&nbsp; I saw Carrie, through
+the panels of ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs.&nbsp; I told
+Mr. Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the side.&nbsp;
+There I saw the grocer&rsquo;s boy actually picking off the paint on
+the door, which had formed into blisters.&nbsp; No time to reprove him;
+so went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen window.&nbsp;
+I let in Mr. Franching, and showed him into the drawing-room.&nbsp;
+I went upstairs to Carrie, who was changing her dress, and told her
+I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come home.&nbsp; She replied: &ldquo;How
+can you do such a thing?&nbsp; You know it&rsquo;s Sarah&rsquo;s holiday,
+and there&rsquo;s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having turned
+with the hot weather.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down,
+washed up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our
+views of Japan to look at while I ran round to the butcher&rsquo;s to
+get three chops.</p>
+<p>July 30.&mdash;The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me
+or Carrie, or both.&nbsp; We seem to break out into an argument about
+absolutely nothing, and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs
+at meal-times.</p>
+<p>This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking about
+balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation drifted
+into family matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest reason,
+referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father&rsquo;s
+pecuniary trouble.&nbsp; I retorted by saying that &ldquo;Pa, at all
+events, was a gentleman,&rdquo; whereupon Carrie burst out crying.&nbsp;
+I positively could not eat any breakfast.</p>
+<p>At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was very
+sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday.&nbsp;
+Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his club, &ldquo;The
+Constitutional.&rdquo;&nbsp; Fearing disagreeables at home after the
+&ldquo;tiff&rdquo; this morning, I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling
+her I was going out to dine and she was not to sit up.&nbsp; Bought
+a little silver bangle for Carrie.</p>
+<p>July 31.&mdash;Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left
+with an affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going
+to bed.&nbsp; I told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday
+next Saturday.&nbsp; She replied quite happily that she did not mind,
+except that the weather was so bad, and she feared that Miss Jibbons
+would not be able to get her a seaside dress in time.&nbsp; I told Carrie
+that I thought the drab one with pink bows looked quite good enough;
+and Carrie said she should not think of wearing it.&nbsp; I was about
+to discuss the matter, when, remembering the argument yesterday, resolved
+to hold my tongue.</p>
+<p>I said to Carrie: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think we can do better than
+&lsquo;Good old Broadstairs.&rsquo;&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie not only, to
+my astonishment, raised an objection to Broadstairs, for the first time;
+but begged me not to use the expression, &ldquo;Good old,&rdquo; but
+to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and other <i>gentlemen</i> of his type.&nbsp;
+Hearing my &rsquo;bus pass the window, I was obliged to rush out of
+the house without kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted to her: &ldquo;I
+leave it to you to decide.&rdquo;&nbsp; On returning in the evening,
+Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided on
+Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour View Terrace, for
+apartments.</p>
+<p>August 1.&mdash;Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards&rsquo;s,
+and told them not to cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair
+being so loose and also tight at the knee, looked like a sailor&rsquo;s,
+and I heard Pitt, that objectionable youth at the office, call out &ldquo;Hornpipe&rdquo;
+as I passed his desk.&nbsp; Carrie has ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink
+Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt, which I always think looks so pretty
+at the seaside.&nbsp; In the evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat,
+while I read to her the <i>Exchange</i> <i>and Mart</i>.&nbsp; We had
+a good laugh over my trying on the hat when she had finished it; Carrie
+saying it looked so funny with my beard, and how the people would have
+roared if I went on the stage like it.</p>
+<p>August 2.&mdash;Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms
+at Broadstairs.&nbsp; That&rsquo;s off our mind.&nbsp; Bought a coloured
+shirt and a pair of tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell
+clerks wearing in the City, and hear are all the &ldquo;go.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>August 3.&mdash;A beautiful day.&nbsp; Looking forward to to-morrow.&nbsp;
+Carrie bought a parasol about five feet long.&nbsp; I told her it was
+ridiculous.&nbsp; She said: &ldquo;Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one twice
+as long so;&rdquo; the matter dropped.&nbsp; I bought a capital hat
+for hot weather at the seaside.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t know what it is
+called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in India, only made of
+straw.&nbsp; Got three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair
+of navy-blue socks at Pope Brothers.&nbsp; Spent the evening packing.&nbsp;
+Carrie told me not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth&rsquo;s telescope,
+which he always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it.&nbsp;
+Sent Sarah out for it.&nbsp; While everything was seeming so bright,
+the last post brought us a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: &ldquo;I have
+just let all my house to one party, and am sorry I must take back my
+words, and am sorry you must find other apartments; but Mrs. Womming,
+next door, will be pleased to accommodate you, but she cannot take you
+before Monday, as her rooms are engaged Bank Holiday week.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>August 4.&mdash;The first post brought a nice letter from our dear
+son Willie, acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him,
+the day before yesterday being his twentieth birthday.&nbsp; To our
+utter amazement he turned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed
+all the way from Oldham.&nbsp; He said he had got leave from the bank,
+and as Monday was a holiday he thought he would give us a little surprise.</p>
+<p>August 5, Sunday.&mdash;We have not seen Willie since last Christmas,
+and are pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown.&nbsp;
+One would scarcely believe he was Carrie&rsquo;s son.&nbsp; He looks
+more like a younger brother.&nbsp; I rather disapprove of his wearing
+a check suit on a Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to church
+this morning; but he said he was tired after yesterday&rsquo;s journey,
+so I refrained from any remark on the subject.&nbsp; We had a bottle
+of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie&rsquo;s health.</p>
+<p>He said: &ldquo;Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I&rsquo;ve cut my first
+name, &lsquo;William,&rsquo; and taken the second name &lsquo;Lupin&rsquo;?&nbsp;
+In fact, I&rsquo;m only known at Oldham as &lsquo;Lupin Pooter.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+If you were to &lsquo;Willie&rsquo; me there, they wouldn&rsquo;t know
+what you meant.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted,
+and began by giving a long history of the Lupins.&nbsp; I ventured to
+say that I thought William a nice simple name, and reminded him he was
+christened after his Uncle William, who was much respected in the City.&nbsp;
+Willie, in a manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly:
+&ldquo;Oh, I know all about that&mdash;Good old Bill!&rdquo; and helped
+himself to a third glass of port.</p>
+<p>Carrie objected strongly to my saying &ldquo;Good old,&rdquo; but
+she made no remark when Willie used the double adjective.&nbsp; I said
+nothing, but looked at her, which meant more.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;My
+dear Willie, I hope you are happy with your colleagues at the Bank.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He replied: &ldquo;Lupin, if you please; and with respect to the Bank,
+there&rsquo;s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the &lsquo;boss&rsquo;
+is a cad.&rdquo;&nbsp; I felt so shocked, I could say nothing, and my
+instinct told me there was something wrong.</p>
+<p>August 6, Bank Holiday.&mdash;As there was no sign of Lupin moving
+at nine o&rsquo;clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted
+at half-past eight, and asked how long would he be?&nbsp; Lupin replied
+that he had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the
+house all night, and then with the sun streaming in through the window
+in his eyes, and giving him a cracking headache.&nbsp; Carrie came up
+and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up, and he said he could
+do with a cup of tea, and didn&rsquo;t want anything to eat.</p>
+<p>Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and
+said we dined at two; he said he &ldquo;would be there.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He never came down till a quarter to three.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;We
+have not seen much of you, and you will have to return by the 5.30 train;
+therefore you will have to leave in an hour, unless you go by the midnight
+mail.&rdquo;&nbsp; He said: &ldquo;Look here, Guv&rsquo;nor, it&rsquo;s
+no use beating about the bush.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ve tendered my resignation
+at the Bank.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>For a moment I could not speak.&nbsp; When my speech came again,
+I said: &ldquo;How dare you, sir?&nbsp; How dare you take such a serious
+step without consulting me?&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t answer me, sir!&mdash;you
+will sit down immediately, and write a note at my dictation, withdrawing
+your resignation and amply apologising for your thoughtlessness.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: &ldquo;It&rsquo;s
+no use.&nbsp; If you want the good old truth, I&rsquo;ve got the chuck!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>August 7.&mdash;Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday
+a week, as we could not get the room.&nbsp; This will give us an opportunity
+of trying to find an appointment for Willie before we go.&nbsp; The
+ambition of my life would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp&rsquo;s firm.</p>
+<p>August 11.&mdash;Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin
+on our hands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign
+from the Bank simply because &ldquo;he took no interest in his work,
+and always arrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+We can all start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light heart.&nbsp;
+This will take my mind off the worry of the last few days, which have
+been wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager of the Bank
+at Oldham.</p>
+<p>August 13.&mdash;Hurrah! at Broadstairs.&nbsp; Very nice apartments
+near the station.&nbsp; On the cliffs they would have been double the
+price.&nbsp; The landlady had a nice five o&rsquo;clock dinner and tea
+ready, which we all enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because
+there happened to be a fly in the butter.&nbsp; It was very wet in the
+evening, for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse for going
+to bed early.&nbsp; Lupin said he would sit up and read a bit.</p>
+<p>August 14.&mdash;I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of
+reading last night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given
+at the Assembly Rooms.&nbsp; I expressed my opinion that such performances
+were unworthy of respectable patronage; but he replied: &ldquo;Oh, it
+was only &lsquo;for one night only.&rsquo;&nbsp; I had a fit of the
+blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly Presswell, England&rsquo;s
+Particular Spark.&rdquo;&nbsp; I told him I was proud to say I had never
+heard of her.&nbsp; Carrie said: &ldquo;Do let the boy alone.&nbsp;
+He&rsquo;s quite old enough to take care of himself, and won&rsquo;t
+forget he&rsquo;s a gentleman.&nbsp; Remember, you were young once yourself.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Rained all day hard, but Lupin would go out.</p>
+<p>August 15.&mdash;Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate,
+and the first person we met on the jetty was Gowing.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Hulloh!&nbsp;
+I thought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He said: &ldquo;Yes, but young Peter Lawrence was so ill, they postponed
+their visit, so I came down here.&nbsp; You know the Cummings&rsquo;
+are here too?&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie said: &ldquo;Oh, that will be delightful!&nbsp;
+We must have some evenings together and have games.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I introduced Lupin, saying: &ldquo;You will be pleased to find we
+have our dear boy at home!&rdquo;&nbsp; Gowing said: &ldquo;How&rsquo;s
+that?&nbsp; You don&rsquo;t mean to say he&rsquo;s left the Bank?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those awkward
+questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking.</p>
+<p>August 16.&mdash;Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade
+with me because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat.&nbsp;
+I don&rsquo;t know what the boy is coming to.</p>
+<p>August 17.&mdash;Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and
+I went for a sail.&nbsp; It was a relief to be with her alone; for when
+Lupin irritates me, she always sides with him.&nbsp; On our return,
+he said: &ldquo;Oh, you&rsquo;ve been on the &lsquo;Shilling Emetic,&rsquo;
+have you?&nbsp; You&rsquo;ll come to six-pennorth on the &lsquo;Liver
+Jerker&rsquo; next.&rdquo;&nbsp; I presume he meant a tricycle, but
+I affected not to understand him.</p>
+<p>August 18.&mdash;Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening
+at Margate.&nbsp; It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him
+to the hotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and
+in fact disapprove of the game.&nbsp; Cummings said he must hasten back
+to Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll give
+you a game, Gowing&mdash;a hundred up.&nbsp; A walk round I the cloth
+will give me an appetite for dinner.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Perhaps
+Mister Gowing does not care to play with boys.&rdquo;&nbsp; Gowing surprised
+me by saying: &ldquo;Oh yes, I do, if they play well,&rdquo; and they
+walked off together.</p>
+<p>August 19, Sunday.&mdash;I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking
+(which he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat
+and walked out.&nbsp; Carrie then read <i>me</i> a long sermon on the
+palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child.&nbsp;
+I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening I offered him a cigar.&nbsp;
+He seemed pleased, but, after a few whiffs, said: &ldquo;This is a good
+old tup&rsquo;ny&mdash;try one of mine,&rdquo; and he handed me a cigar
+as long as it was strong, which is saying a good deal.</p>
+<p>August 20.&mdash;I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine,
+though clouded overhead.&nbsp; We went over to Cummings&rsquo; (at Margate)
+in the evening, and as it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing,
+as usual, overstepping the mark.&nbsp; He suggested we should play &ldquo;Cutlets,&rdquo;
+a game we never heard of.&nbsp; He sat on a chair, and asked Carrie
+to sit on his lap, an invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined.</p>
+<p>After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing&rsquo;s knees and
+Carrie sat on the edge of mine.&nbsp; Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie&rsquo;s
+lap, then Cummings on Lupin&rsquo;s, and Mrs. Cummings on her husband&rsquo;s.&nbsp;
+We looked very ridiculous, and laughed a good deal.</p>
+<p>Gowing then said: &ldquo;Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+We had to answer all together: &ldquo;Yes&mdash;oh, yes!&rdquo; (three
+times).&nbsp; Gowing said: &ldquo;So am I,&rdquo; and suddenly got up.&nbsp;
+The result of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the ground, and
+poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of the fender.&nbsp;
+Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this we missed the last
+train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs, which cost me seven-and-sixpence.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Home again.&nbsp; Mrs. James&rsquo; influence on Carrie.&nbsp; Can
+get nothing for Lupin.&nbsp; Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome.&nbsp;
+Some one tampers with my diary.&nbsp; Got a place for Lupin.&nbsp; Lupin
+startles us with an announcement.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>August 22.&mdash;Home sweet Home again!&nbsp; Carrie bought some
+pretty blue-wool mats to stand vases on.&nbsp; Fripps, Janus and Co.
+write to say they are sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of
+clerks for Lupin.</p>
+<p>August 23.&mdash;I bought a pair of stags&rsquo; heads made of plaster-of-Paris
+and coloured brown.&nbsp; They will look just the thing for our little
+hall, and give it style; the heads are excellent imitations.&nbsp; Poolers
+and Smith are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.</p>
+<p>August 24.&mdash;Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful
+for him, as he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up
+from Sutton and spend two or three days with us.&nbsp; We have not said
+a word to Lupin, but mean to keep it as a surprise.</p>
+<p>August 25.&mdash;Mrs. James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon,
+bringing with her an enormous bunch of wild flowers.&nbsp; The more
+I see of Mrs James the nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie.&nbsp;
+She went into Carrie&rsquo;s room to take off her bonnet, and remained
+there nearly an hour talking about dress.&nbsp; Lupin said he was not
+a bit surprised at Mrs. James&rsquo; <i>visit</i>, but was surprised
+at <i>her</i>.</p>
+<p>August 26, Sunday.&mdash;Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having
+talked considerably about what to wear all the morning.&nbsp; Lupin
+does not seem to get on very well with Mrs. James.&nbsp; I am afraid
+we shall have some trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in
+last Wednesday.&nbsp; Several of their friends, who drive up in dog-carts,
+have already made themselves objectionable.</p>
+<p>An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness,
+and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit
+I have), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an American,
+commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about &ldquo;<i>I had thirteen
+dollars in my waistcoat pocket</i>.&rdquo;&nbsp; I fancied it was meant
+for me, and my suspicions were confirmed; for while walking round the
+garden in my tall hat this afternoon, a &ldquo;throw-down&rdquo; cracker
+was deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a percussion
+cap.&nbsp; I turned sharply, and am positive I saw the man who was in
+the cart retreating from one of the bedroom windows.</p>
+<p>August 27.&mdash;Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had
+not returned when I came back from the office.&nbsp; Judging from the
+subsequent conversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie&rsquo;s
+head with a lot of nonsense about dress.&nbsp; I walked over to Gowing&rsquo;s
+and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant.</p>
+<p>Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of the remainder
+of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse, in
+case there was not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and custards.&nbsp;
+There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on the sideboard.&nbsp;
+Mrs. James made us play rather a good game of cards, called &ldquo;Muggings.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+To my surprise, in fact disgust, Lupin got up in the middle, and, in
+a most sarcastic tone, said: &ldquo;Pardon me, this sort of thing is
+too fast for me, I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the
+back-garden.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (who
+seems to have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games.&nbsp;
+Lupin said: &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s play &lsquo;monkeys.&rsquo;&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He then led Gowing all round the room, and brought him in front of the
+looking-glass.&nbsp; I must confess I laughed heartily at this.&nbsp;
+I was a little vexed at everybody subsequently laughing at some joke
+which they did not explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered
+I must have been walking about all the evening with an antimacassar
+on one button of my coat-tails.</p>
+<p>August 28.&mdash;Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums,
+evidently come from next door.&nbsp; Pattles and Pattles can&rsquo;t
+find a place for Lupin.</p>
+<p>August 29.&mdash;Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie.&nbsp;
+Carrie appeared in a new dress like a smock-frock.&nbsp; She said &ldquo;smocking&rdquo;
+was all the rage.&nbsp; I replied it put me in a rage.&nbsp; She also
+had on a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape.&nbsp;
+Mrs. James went home, and both Lupin and I were somewhat pleased&mdash;the
+first time we have agreed on a single subject since his return.&nbsp;
+Merkins and Son write they have no vacancy for Lupin.</p>
+<p>October 30.&mdash;I should very much like to know who has wilfully
+torn the last five or six weeks out of my diary.&nbsp; It is perfectly
+monstrous!&nbsp; Mine is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space
+for the record of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record
+I take (with much pride) a great deal of pains.</p>
+<p>I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it.&nbsp; She replied it
+was my own fault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning
+and the sweeps in the house.&nbsp; I said that was not an answer to
+my question.&nbsp; This retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart,
+would have been more effective had I not jogged my elbow against a vase
+on a table temporarily placed in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed
+it.</p>
+<p>Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a
+pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding-day
+by Mrs. Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie&rsquo;s cousins, the Pommertons,
+late of Dalston.&nbsp; I called to Sarah, and asked her about the diary.&nbsp;
+She said she had not been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep
+had left, Mrs. Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted
+the fire herself.&nbsp; Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate,
+I examined it, and found it was a piece of my diary.&nbsp; So it was
+evident some one had torn my diary to light the fire.&nbsp; I requested
+Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me to-morrow.</p>
+<p>October 31.&mdash;Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkupp,
+saying that he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin.&nbsp;
+This, in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary;
+for I am bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the
+record of disappointing answers received from people to whom I have
+applied for appointments for Lupin.&nbsp; Mrs. Birrell called, and,
+in reply to me, said: &ldquo;She never <i>see</i> no book, much less
+take such a liberty as <i>touch</i> it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said
+she would do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep lighting
+the fire with a bit of the <i>Echo</i>.&nbsp; I requested the sweep
+to be sent to me to-morrow.&nbsp; I wish Carrie had not given Lupin
+a latch-key; we never seem to see anything of him.&nbsp; I sat up till
+past one for him, and then retired tired.</p>
+<p>November 1.&mdash;My entry yesterday about &ldquo;retired tired,&rdquo;
+which I did not notice at the time, is rather funny.&nbsp; If I were
+not so worried just now, I might have had a little joke about it.&nbsp;
+The sweep called, but had the audacity to come up to the hall-door and
+lean his dirty bag of soot on the door-step.&nbsp; He, however, was
+so polite, I could not rebuke him.&nbsp; He said Sarah lighted the fire.&nbsp;
+Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she was dusting the banisters,
+and she ran down, and flew into a temper with the sweep, causing a row
+on the front door-steps, which I would not have had happen for anything.&nbsp;
+I ordered her about her business, and told the sweep I was sorry to
+have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps were covered with
+soot in consequence of his visit.&nbsp; I would willingly give ten shillings
+to find out who tore my diary.</p>
+<p>November 2.&mdash;I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose
+company I never tire.&nbsp; We had a most pleasant chat about the letters
+on &ldquo;Is Marriage a Failure?&rdquo;&nbsp; It has been no failure
+in our case.&nbsp; In talking over our own happy experiences, we never
+noticed that it was past midnight.&nbsp; We were startled by hearing
+the door slam violently.&nbsp; Lupin had come in.&nbsp; He made no attempt
+to turn down the gas in the passage, or even to look into the room where
+we were, but went straight up to bed, making a terrible noise.&nbsp;
+I asked him to come down for a moment, and he begged to be excused,
+as he was &ldquo;dead beat,&rdquo; an observation that was scarcely
+consistent with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards,
+he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, &ldquo;See
+me dance the polka!&rdquo; or some such nonsense.</p>
+<p>November 3.&mdash;Good news at last.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp has got an
+appointment for Lupin, and he is to go and see about it on Monday.&nbsp;
+Oh, how my mind is relieved!&nbsp; I went to Lupin&rsquo;s room to take
+the good news to him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to
+keep it over till the evening.</p>
+<p>He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur Dramatic
+Club, called the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians&rdquo;; and, though it was
+a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in the
+head.&nbsp; He declined to have any breakfast, so I left him.&nbsp;
+ In the evening I had up a special bottle of port, and, Lupin being
+in for a wonder, we filled our glasses, and I said: &ldquo;Lupin my
+boy, I have some good and unexpected news for you.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp
+has procured you an appointment!&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;Good
+biz!&rdquo; and we drained our glasses.</p>
+<p>Lupin then said: &ldquo;Fill up the glasses again, for I have some
+good and unexpected news for you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she
+said: &ldquo;I hope we shall think it good news.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Oh, it&rsquo;s all right!&nbsp; <i>I&rsquo;m engaged
+to be married</i>!&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation.&nbsp; Lupin&rsquo;s new
+berth.&nbsp; Fireworks at the Cummings&rsquo;.&nbsp; The &ldquo;Holloway
+Comedians.&rdquo;&nbsp; Sarah quarrels with the charwoman.&nbsp; Lupin&rsquo;s
+uncalled-for interference.&nbsp; Am introduced to Daisy Mutlar.&nbsp;
+We decide to give a party in her honour.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>November 5, Sunday.&mdash;Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy
+Lupin getting engaged to be married without consulting us or anything.&nbsp;
+After dinner he told us all about it.&nbsp; He said the lady&rsquo;s
+name was Daisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most accomplished
+girl he ever met.&nbsp; He loved her the moment he saw her, and if he
+had to wait fifty years he would wait, and he knew she would wait for
+him.</p>
+<p>Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a different
+world to him now,&mdash;it was a world worth living in.&nbsp; He lived
+with an object now, and that was to make Daisy Mutlar&mdash;Daisy Pooter,
+and he would guarantee she would not disgrace the family of the Pooters.&nbsp;
+Carrie here burst out crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and
+in doing so, upset the glass of port he held in his hand all over his
+new light trousers.</p>
+<p>I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her,
+but Carrie said she loved her already.&nbsp; I thought this rather premature,
+but held my tongue.&nbsp; Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of conversation
+for the remainder of the day.&nbsp; I asked Lupin who her people were,
+and he replied: &ldquo;Oh, you know Mutlar, Williams and Watts.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I did not know, but refrained from asking any further questions at present,
+for fear of irritating Lupin.</p>
+<p>November 6.&mdash;Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long
+conversation with Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which was
+that he accepted a clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock
+and Share Brokers.&nbsp; Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising
+firm, and he did not think much of it.&nbsp; I replied: &ldquo;Beggars
+should not be choosers;&rdquo; and I will do Lupin the justice to say,
+he looked rather ashamed of himself.</p>
+<p>In the evening we went round to the Cummings&rsquo;, to have a few
+fireworks.&nbsp; It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull.&nbsp;
+One of my squibs would not go off, and Gowing said: &ldquo;Hit it on
+your boot, boy; it will go off then.&rdquo;&nbsp; I gave it a few knocks
+on the end of my boot, and it went off with one loud explosion, and
+burnt my fingers rather badly.&nbsp; I gave the rest of the squibs to
+the little Cummings&rsquo; boy to let off.</p>
+<p>Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse
+on my head.&nbsp; Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake
+in the ground by way of a grand finale.&nbsp; He made a great fuss about
+it; said it cost seven shillings.&nbsp; There was a little difficulty
+in getting it alight.&nbsp; At last it went off; but after a couple
+of slow revolutions it stopped.&nbsp; I had my stick with me, so I gave
+it a tap to send it round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake
+on to the grass.&nbsp; Anybody would have thought I had set the house
+on fire from the way in which they stormed at me.&nbsp; I will never
+join in any more firework parties.&nbsp; It is a ridiculous waste of
+time and money.</p>
+<p>November 7.&mdash;Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but
+Carrie said she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first.&nbsp;
+I agreed with Carrie, and this led to an argument.&nbsp; However, the
+matter was settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting
+cards, and we must get some more printed, and when they were finished
+would be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of calling.</p>
+<p>November 8.&mdash;I ordered some of our cards at Black&rsquo;s, the
+stationers.&nbsp; I ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us
+for a good long time.&nbsp; In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar,
+Miss Mutlar&rsquo;s brother.&nbsp; He was rather a gawky youth, and
+Lupin said he was the most popular and best amateur in the club, referring
+to the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin whispered to us
+that if we could only &ldquo;draw out&rdquo; Harry a bit, he would make
+us roar with laughter.</p>
+<p>At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things.&nbsp; He took
+up a knife, and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek
+in a wonderful manner.&nbsp; He also gave an imitation of an old man
+with no teeth, smoking a big cigar.&nbsp; The way he kept dropping the
+cigar sent Carrie into fits.</p>
+<p>In the course of conversation, Daisy&rsquo;s name cropped up, and
+young Mutlar said he would bring his sister round to us one evening&mdash;his
+parents being rather old-fashioned, and not going out much.&nbsp; Carrie
+said we would get up a little special party.&nbsp; As young Mutlar showed
+no inclination to go, and it was approaching eleven o&rsquo;clock, as
+a hint I reminded Lupin that he had to be up early to-morrow.&nbsp;
+Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began a series of comic imitations.&nbsp;
+He went on for an hour without cessation.&nbsp; Poor Carrie could scarcely
+keep her eyes open.&nbsp; At last she made an excuse, and said &ldquo;Good-night.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hall
+something about the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians,&rdquo; and to my disgust,
+although it was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went
+out with his new companion.</p>
+<p>November 9.&mdash;My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out
+of my diary still fruitless.&nbsp; Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain,
+so we see little of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal
+times.&nbsp; Cummings dropped in.</p>
+<p>November 10.&mdash;Lupin seems to like his new berth&mdash;that&rsquo;s
+a comfort.&nbsp; Daisy Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during
+tea.&nbsp; Carrie almost as full of it as Lupin.&nbsp; Lupin informs
+me, to my disgust, that he has been persuaded to take part in the forthcoming
+performance of the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians.&rdquo;&nbsp; He says he
+is to play Bob Britches in the farce, <i>Gone to my Uncle&rsquo;s</i>;
+Frank Mutlar is going to play old Musty.&nbsp; I told Lupin pretty plainly
+I was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and totally
+disapproved of amateur theatricals.&nbsp; Gowing came in the evening.</p>
+<p>November 11.&mdash;Returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful
+uproar, Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her
+bedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying.&nbsp; Mrs. Birrell (the
+charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top
+of her voice that she was &ldquo;no thief, that she was a respectable
+woman, who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone&rsquo;s
+face who put lies into her mouth.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin, whose back was
+towards me, did not hear me come in.&nbsp; He was standing between the
+two women, and, I regret to say, in his endeavour to act as peacemaker,
+he made use of rather strong language in the presence of his mother;
+and I was just in time to hear him say: &ldquo;And all this fuss about
+the loss of a few pages from a rotten diary that wouldn&rsquo;t fetch
+three-halfpence a pound!&rdquo;&nbsp; I said, quietly: &ldquo;Pardon
+me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of this house,
+perhaps you will allow me to take the reins.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused
+Mrs. Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen
+fat and leavings which she had taken out of the house last week.&nbsp;
+Mrs. Birrell had slapped Sarah&rsquo;s face, and said she had taken
+nothing out of the place, as there was &ldquo;never no leavings to take.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I ordered Sarah back to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go home.&nbsp;
+When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking his legs in the air, and
+roaring with laughter.</p>
+<p>November 12, Sunday.&mdash;Coming home from church Carrie and I met
+Lupin, Daisy Mutlar, and her brother.&nbsp; Daisy was introduced to
+us, and we walked home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar.&nbsp;
+We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future
+daughter-in-law.&nbsp; My heart quite sank.&nbsp; She is a big young
+woman, and I should think at least eight years older than Lupin.&nbsp;
+I did not even think her good-looking.&nbsp; Carrie asked her if she
+could come in on Wednesday next with her brother to meet a few friends.&nbsp;
+She replied that she would only be too pleased.</p>
+<p>November 13.&mdash;Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings,
+to Mr. and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook.&nbsp; I wrote
+a note to Mr. Franching, of Peckham.&nbsp; Carrie said we may as well
+make it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp?&nbsp;
+I said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him.&nbsp; Carrie
+said there was &ldquo;no offence in asking him.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said:
+&ldquo;Certainly not,&rdquo; and I wrote him a letter.&nbsp; Carrie
+confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlar&rsquo;s appearance,
+but thought she seemed a nice girl.</p>
+<p>November 14.&mdash;Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand
+little party for to-morrow.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which
+I shall keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could
+get away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour.&nbsp; Carrie was
+busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies.&nbsp;
+She said she felt quite nervous about her responsibilities to-morrow
+evening.&nbsp; We decided to have some light things on the table, such
+as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard
+a nice piece of cold beef and a Paysandu tongue&mdash;for the more hungry
+ones to peg into if they liked.</p>
+<p>Gowing called to know if he was to put on &ldquo;swallow-tails&rdquo;
+to-morrow.&nbsp; Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr.
+Franching was coming, and there was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also
+putting in an appearance.</p>
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not worn
+my dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases
+pressed out.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy
+Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact, disapproved
+of everything, including our having asked our old friend Cummings, who,
+he said, would look in evening-dress like a green-grocer engaged to
+wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took him for one.</p>
+<p>I fairly lost my temper, and said: &ldquo;Lupin, allow me to tell
+you Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England.&nbsp; I gave you
+credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an
+engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself.&nbsp; I advise
+you to think of earning your living before entangling yourself with
+a wife whom you will have to support, and, in all probability, her brother
+also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped
+up and said: &ldquo;If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult
+me.&nbsp; I will leave the house and never darken your doors again.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door.&nbsp; But it was
+all right.&nbsp; He came back to supper, and we played B&eacute;zique
+till nearly twelve o&rsquo;clock.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Our first important Party.&nbsp; Old Friends and New Friends.&nbsp;
+Gowing is a little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out
+to be quite amusing.&nbsp; Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he
+is most kind and complimentary.&nbsp; Party a great success.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>November 15.&mdash;A red-letter day.&nbsp; Our first important party
+since we have been in this house.&nbsp; I got home early from the City.&nbsp;
+Lupin insisted on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne.&nbsp;
+I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece
+of luck, having made three pounds out a private deal in the City.&nbsp;
+I hope he won&rsquo;t gamble in his new situation.&nbsp; The supper-room
+looked so nice, and Carrie truly said: &ldquo;We need not be ashamed
+of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he honour us by coming.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight
+o&rsquo;clock, and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much
+too short.</p>
+<p>Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my wearing
+ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.</p>
+<p>I replied satirically: &ldquo;My dear son, I have lived to be above
+that sort of thing.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and said: &ldquo;A man generally was above
+his boots.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This may be funny, or it may <i>not</i>; but I was gratified to find
+he had not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs.&nbsp;
+Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House.&nbsp;
+The arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent.&nbsp; Carrie had
+hung muslin curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the
+entrances, for we had removed the door from its hinges.</p>
+<p>Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict
+orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one
+was empty.&nbsp; Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be
+placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses.&nbsp; By-the-by,
+our new enlarged and tinted photographs look very nice on the walls,
+especially as Carrie has arranged some Liberty silk bows on the four
+corners of them.</p>
+<p>The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted
+me with: &ldquo;Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I simply said: &ldquo;Very likely, and you will find my temper &lsquo;<i>short</i>&rsquo;
+also.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He said: &ldquo;That won&rsquo;t make your trousers longer, Juggins.&nbsp;
+You should get your missus to put a flounce on them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my
+diary.</p>
+<p>The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings.&nbsp; The former said:
+&ldquo;As you didn&rsquo;t say anything about dress, I have come &lsquo;half
+dress.&rsquo;&rdquo;&nbsp; He had on a black frock-coat and white tie.&nbsp;
+The James&rsquo;, Mr. Merton, and Mr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin
+was restless and unbearable till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived.</p>
+<p>Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy&rsquo;s appearance.&nbsp;
+She had a bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck.&nbsp; I
+do not think such a style modest.&nbsp; She ought to have taken a lesson
+from Carrie, and covered her shoulders with a little lace.&nbsp; Mr.
+Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg and his four daughters came; so did Franching,
+and one or two of Lupin&rsquo;s new friends, members of the &ldquo;Holloway
+Comedians.&rdquo;&nbsp; Some of these seemed rather theatrical in their
+manner, especially one, who was posing all the evening, and leant on
+our little round table and cracked it.&nbsp; Lupin called him &ldquo;our
+Henry,&rdquo; and said he was &ldquo;our lead at the H.C.&rsquo;s,&rdquo;
+and was quite as good in that department as Harry Mutlar was as the
+low-comedy merchant.&nbsp; All this is Greek to me.</p>
+<p>We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy&rsquo;s side for
+a moment, raved over her singing of a song, called &ldquo;Some Day.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+It seemed a pretty song, but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my
+mind, so out of tune, I would not have asked her to sing again; but
+Lupin made her sing four songs right off, one after the other.</p>
+<p>At ten o&rsquo;clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing
+and Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for
+a month.&nbsp; I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp
+should come by mere chance.&nbsp; Gowing annoyed me very much by filling
+a large tumbler of champagne, and drinking it straight off.&nbsp; He
+repeated this action, and made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would
+not last out.&nbsp; I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold
+of it, and took it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar.</p>
+<p>We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking.&nbsp; Carrie
+put a stop to that at once.&nbsp; Stillbrook amused us with a song,
+&ldquo;What have you done with your Cousin John?&rdquo;&nbsp; I did
+not notice that Lupin and Frank had disappeared.&nbsp; I asked Mr. Watson,
+one of the Holloways, where they were, and he said: &ldquo;It&rsquo;s
+a case of &lsquo;Oh, what a surprise!&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We were directed to form a circle&mdash;which we did.&nbsp; Watson
+then said: &ldquo;I have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated
+Blondin Donkey.&rdquo;&nbsp; Frank and Lupin then bounded into the room.&nbsp;
+Lupin had whitened his face like a clown, and Frank had tied round his
+waist a large hearthrug.&nbsp; He was supposed to be the donkey, and
+he looked it.&nbsp; They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we
+were all shrieking with laughter.</p>
+<p>I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr Perkupp standing half-way
+in the door, he having arrived without our knowing it.&nbsp; I beckoned
+to Carrie, and we went up to him at once.&nbsp; He would not come right
+into the room.&nbsp; I apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said:
+&ldquo;Oh, it seems amusing.&rdquo;&nbsp; I could see he was not a bit
+amused.</p>
+<p>Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck.&nbsp;
+There was not a glass of champagne left&mdash;not even a sandwich.&nbsp;
+Mr. Perkupp said he required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer
+or soda water.&nbsp; The last syphon was empty.&nbsp; Carrie said: &ldquo;We
+have plenty of port wine left.&rdquo;&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp said, with a
+smile: &ldquo;No, thank you.&nbsp; I really require nothing, but I am
+most pleased to see you and your husband in your own home.&nbsp; Good-night,
+Mrs. Pooter&mdash;you will excuse my very short stay, I know.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I went with him to his carriage, and he said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t trouble
+to come to the office till twelve to-morrow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie
+I thought the party was a failure.&nbsp; Carrie said it was a great
+success, and I was only tired, and insisted on my having some port myself.&nbsp;
+I drank two glasses, and felt much better, and we went into the drawing-room,
+where they had commenced dancing.&nbsp; Carrie and I had a little dance,
+which I said reminded me of old days.&nbsp; She said I was a spooney
+old thing.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER X</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Reflections.&nbsp; I make another Good Joke.&nbsp; Am annoyed at
+the constant serving-up of the &ldquo;Blanc-Mange.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin
+expresses his opinion of Weddings.&nbsp; Lupin falls out with Daisy
+Mutlar.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>November 16.&mdash;Woke about twenty times during the night, with
+terrible thirst.&nbsp; Finished off all the water in the bottle, as
+well as half that in the jug.&nbsp; Kept dreaming also, that last night&rsquo;s
+party was a failure, and that a lot of low people came without invitation,
+and kept chaffing and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp, till at last I
+was obliged to hide him in the box-room (which we had just discovered),
+with a bath-towel over him.&nbsp; It seems absurd now, but it was painfully
+real in the dream.&nbsp; I had the same dream about a dozen times.</p>
+<p>Carrie annoyed me by saying: &ldquo;You know champagne never agrees
+with you.&rdquo;&nbsp; I told her I had only a couple of glasses of
+it, having kept myself entirely to port.&nbsp; I added that good champagne
+hurt nobody, and Lupin told me he had only got it from a traveller as
+a favour, as that particular brand had been entirely bought up by a
+West-End club.</p>
+<p>I think I ate too heartily of the &ldquo;side dishes,&rdquo; as the
+waiter called them.&nbsp; I said to Carrie: &ldquo;I wish I had put
+those &lsquo;side dishes&rsquo; <i>aside</i>.&rdquo;&nbsp; I repeated
+this, but Carrie was busy, packing up the teaspoons we had borrowed
+of Mrs. Cummings for the party.&nbsp; It was just half-past eleven,
+and I was starting for the office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow
+complexion, and said: &ldquo;Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you
+this morning?&rdquo;&nbsp; I told him he might just as well speak to
+me in Dutch.&nbsp; He added: &ldquo;When I woke this morning, my head
+was as big as Baldwin&rsquo;s balloon.&rdquo;&nbsp; On the spur of the
+moment I said the cleverest thing I think I have ever said; viz.: &ldquo;Perhaps
+that accounts for the para<i>shooting</i> pains.&rdquo;&nbsp; We roared.</p>
+<p>November 17.&mdash;Still feel tired and headachy!&nbsp; In the evening
+Gowing called, and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday.&nbsp;
+He said everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously.&nbsp;
+Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never know how
+long it will last.&nbsp; For instance, he stopped to supper, and seeing
+some <i>blanc-mange</i> on the table, shouted out, while the servant
+was in the room: &ldquo;Hulloh!&nbsp; The remains of Wednesday?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>November 18.&mdash;Woke up quite fresh after a good night&rsquo;s
+rest, and feel quite myself again.&nbsp; I am satisfied a life of going-out
+and Society is not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation
+which we received this morning to Miss Bird&rsquo;s wedding.&nbsp; We
+only met her twice at Mrs. James&rsquo;, and it means a present.&nbsp;
+Lupin said: &ldquo;I am with you for once.&nbsp; To my mind a wedding&rsquo;s
+a very poor play.&nbsp; There are only two parts in it&mdash;the bride
+and bridegroom.&nbsp; The best man is only a walking gentleman.&nbsp;
+With the exception of a crying father and a snivelling mother, the rest
+are <i>supers</i> who have to dress well and have to <i>pay</i> for
+their insignificant parts in the shape of costly presents.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I did not care for the theatrical slang, but thought it clever, though
+disrespectful.</p>
+<p>I told Sarah not to bring up the <i>blanc-mange</i> again for breakfast.&nbsp;
+It seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday.&nbsp;
+Cummings came round in the evening, and congratulated us on the success
+of our party.&nbsp; He said it was the best party he had been to for
+many a year; but he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as
+he would have turned up in his swallow-tails.&nbsp; We sat down to a
+quiet game of dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of
+Lupin and Frank Mutlar.&nbsp; Cummings and I asked them to join us.&nbsp;
+Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and suggested a game of &ldquo;Spoof.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+On my asking if it required counters, Frank and Lupin in measured time
+said: &ldquo;One, two, three; go!&nbsp; Have you an estate in Greenland?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+It was simply Greek to me, but it appears it is one of the customs of
+the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians&rdquo; to do this when a member displays
+ignorance.</p>
+<p>In spite of my instructions, that <i>blanc-mange</i> was brought
+up again for supper.&nbsp; To make matters worse, there had been an
+attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round
+it.&nbsp; Carrie asked Lupin if he would have some, and he replied:
+&ldquo;No second-hand goods for me, thank you.&rdquo;&nbsp; I told Carrie,
+when we were alone, if that <i>blanc-mange</i> were placed on the table
+again I should walk out of the house.</p>
+<p>November 19, Sunday.&mdash;A delightfully quiet day.&nbsp; In the
+afternoon Lupin was off to spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars.&nbsp;
+He departed in the best of spirits, and Carrie said: &ldquo;Well, one
+advantage of Lupin&rsquo;s engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems
+happy all day long.&nbsp; That quite reconciles me to what I must confess
+seems an imprudent engagement.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed
+that it did not always follow that an early engagement meant an unhappy
+marriage.&nbsp; Dear Carrie reminded me that we married early, and,
+with the exception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had never
+had a really serious word.&nbsp; I could not help thinking (as I told
+her) that half the pleasures of life were derived from the little struggles
+and small privations that one had to endure at the beginning of one&rsquo;s
+married life.&nbsp; Such struggles were generally occasioned by want
+of means, and often helped to make loving couples stand together all
+the firmer.</p>
+<p>Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I was
+quite a philosopher.</p>
+<p>We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered by
+Carrie&rsquo;s little compliment.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t pretend to be
+able to express myself in fine language, but I feel I have the power
+of expressing my thoughts with simplicity and lucidness.&nbsp; About
+nine o&rsquo;clock, to our surprise.&nbsp; Lupin entered, with a wild,
+reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I must say seemed rather
+theatrical, said: &ldquo;Have you any brandy?&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;No;
+but here is some whisky.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful
+without water, to my horror.</p>
+<p>We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I rose
+to go to bed.&nbsp; Carrie said to Lupin: &ldquo;I hope Daisy is well?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from
+the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians,&rdquo; replied: &ldquo;Oh, Daisy?&nbsp;
+You mean Miss Mutlar.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t know whether she is well or
+not, but please <i>never to mention her name again in my presence</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>We have a dose of Irving imitations.&nbsp; Make the acquaintance
+of a Mr. Padge.&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t care for him.&nbsp; Mr. Burwin-Fosselton
+becomes a nuisance.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>November 20.&mdash;Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day.&nbsp;
+Bought a cheap address-book.&nbsp; I spent the evening copying in the
+names and addresses of my friends and acquaintances.&nbsp; Left out
+the Mutlars of course.</p>
+<p>November 21.&mdash;Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening.&nbsp;
+He asked for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to
+my mind was theatrical and quite ineffective.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;My
+boy, I have none, and I don&rsquo;t think I should give it you if I
+had.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll go where I can get some,&rdquo;
+and walked out of the house.&nbsp; Carrie took the boy&rsquo;s part,
+and the rest of the evening was spent in a disagreeable discussion,
+in which the words &ldquo;Daisy&rdquo; and &ldquo;Mutlar&rdquo; must
+have occurred a thousand times.</p>
+<p>November 22.&mdash;Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening.&nbsp;
+Lupin also came in, bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton&mdash;one
+of the &ldquo;Holloway Comedians&rdquo;&mdash;who was at our party the
+other night, and who cracked our little round table.&nbsp; Happy to
+say Daisy Mutlar was never referred to.&nbsp; The conversation was almost
+entirely monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton, who not only looked
+rather like Mr. Irving, but seemed to imagine that he <i>was</i> the
+celebrated actor.&nbsp; I must say he gave some capital imitations of
+him.&nbsp; As he showed no signs of moving at supper time, I said: &ldquo;If
+you like to stay, Mr. Fosselton, for our usual crust&mdash;pray do.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He replied: &ldquo;Oh! thanks; but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.&nbsp;
+It is a double name.&nbsp; There are lots of Fosseltons, but please
+call me Burwin-Fosselton.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He began doing the Irving business all through supper.&nbsp; He sank
+so low down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the
+table, and twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and
+flashed a knife uncomfortably near Gowing&rsquo;s face.&nbsp; After
+supper he kept stretching out his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps
+of quotations from plays which were Greek to me, and more than once
+knocked over the fire-irons, making a hideous row&mdash;poor Carrie
+already having a bad head-ache.</p>
+<p>When he went, he said, to our surprise: &ldquo;I will come to-morrow
+and bring my Irving make-up.&rdquo;&nbsp; Gowing and Cummings said they
+would like to see it and would come too.&nbsp; I could not help thinking
+they might as well give a party at my house while they are about it.&nbsp;
+However, as Carrie sensibly said: &ldquo;Do anything, dear, to make
+Lupin forget the Daisy Mutlar business.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>November 23.&mdash;In the evening, Cummings came early.&nbsp; Gowing
+came a little later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and,
+I think, very vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all
+moustache.&nbsp; Gowing never attempted any apology to either of us,
+but said Padge wanted to see the Irving business, to which Padge said:
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s right,&rdquo; and that is about all he <i>did</i>
+say during the entire evening.&nbsp; Lupin came in and seemed in much
+better spirits.&nbsp; He had prepared a bit of a surprise.&nbsp; Mr.
+Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him, but had gone upstairs to get
+ready.&nbsp; In half-an-hour Lupin retired from the parlour, and returning
+in a few minutes, announced &ldquo;Mr. Henry Irving.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I must say we were all astounded.&nbsp; I never saw such a resemblance.&nbsp;
+It was astonishing.&nbsp; The only person who did not appear interested
+was the man Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puffing away
+at a foul pipe into the fireplace.&nbsp; After some little time I said;
+&ldquo;Why do actors always wear their hair so long?&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie
+in a moment said, &ldquo;Mr. Hare doesn&rsquo;t wear long <i>hair</i>.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton, who said, in a rather patronising
+kind of way, &ldquo;The joke, Mrs. Pooter, is extremely appropriate,
+if not altogether new.&rdquo;&nbsp; Thinking this rather a snub, I said:
+&ldquo;Mr. Fosselton, I fancy&mdash;&rdquo;&nbsp; He interrupted me
+by saying: &ldquo;Mr. <i>Burwin</i>-Fosselton, if you please,&rdquo;
+which made me quite forget what I was going to say to him.&nbsp; During
+the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again monopolised the conversation with
+his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I came to the conclusion one can
+have even too much imitation of Irving.&nbsp; After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton
+got a little too boisterous over his Irving imitation, and suddenly
+seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat, dug his thumb-nail, accidentally
+of course, into Gowing&rsquo;s neck and took a piece of flesh out.&nbsp;
+Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who having declined
+our modest supper in order that he should not lose his comfortable chair,
+burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the little misadventure.&nbsp;
+I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said: &ldquo;I suppose you
+would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing&rsquo;s eye out?&rdquo;
+to which Padge replied: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s right,&rdquo; and laughed
+more than ever.&nbsp; I think perhaps the greatest surprise was when
+we broke up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said: &ldquo;Good-night, Mr. Pooter.&nbsp;
+I&rsquo;m glad you like the imitation, I&rsquo;ll bring <i>the other
+make-up to-morrow night</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>November 24.&mdash;I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief.&nbsp;
+This is the second time I have done this during the last week.&nbsp;
+I must be losing my memory.&nbsp; Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar
+business, I would have written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him
+I should be out this evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man
+who would come all the same.</p>
+<p>Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a little
+note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, which rather
+amused me.&nbsp; He added that his neck was still painful.&nbsp; Of
+course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, and imagine
+my utter disgust when that man Padge actually came again, and not even
+accompanied by Gowing.&nbsp; I was exasperated, and said: &ldquo;Mr.
+Padge, this is a <i>surprise</i>.&rdquo;&nbsp; Dear Carrie, fearing
+unpleasantness, said: &ldquo;Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge has only come to
+see the other Irving make-up.&rdquo;&nbsp; Mr. Padge said: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s
+right,&rdquo; and took the best chair again, from which he never moved
+the whole evening.</p>
+<p>My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an expensive
+guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter.&nbsp; The Irving
+imitations and conversations occupied the whole evening, till I was
+sick of it.&nbsp; Once we had a rather heated discussion, which was
+commenced by Cummings saying that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton
+was not only <i>like</i> Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way
+as <i>good</i> or even <i>better</i>.&nbsp; I ventured to remark that
+after all it was but an imitation of an original.</p>
+<p>Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the originals.&nbsp;
+I made what I considered a very clever remark: &ldquo;Without an original
+there can be no imitation.&rdquo;&nbsp; Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quite
+impertinently: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t discuss me in my presence, if you
+please; and, Mr. Pooter, I should advise you to talk about what you
+understand;&rdquo; to which that cad Padge replied: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s
+right.&rdquo;&nbsp; Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by suddenly saying:
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll be Ellen Terry.&rdquo;&nbsp; Dear Carrie&rsquo;s imitation
+wasn&rsquo;t a bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that
+the disagreeable discussion passed off.&nbsp; When they left, I very
+pointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should
+be engaged to-morrow evening.</p>
+<p>November 25.&mdash;Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting
+last night&rsquo;s Irving discussion.&nbsp; I was very angry, and I
+wrote and said I knew little or nothing about stage matters, was not
+in the least interested in them and positively declined to be drawn
+into a discussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading to
+a breach of friendship.&nbsp; I never wrote a more determined letter.</p>
+<p>On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met near
+the Archway Daisy Mutlar.&nbsp; My heart gave a leap.&nbsp; I bowed
+rather stiffly, but she affected not to have seen me.&nbsp; Very much
+annoyed in the evening by the laundress sending home an odd sock.&nbsp;
+Sarah said she sent two pairs, and the laundress declared only a pair
+and a half were sent.&nbsp; I spoke to Carrie about it, but she rather
+testily replied: &ldquo;I am tired of speaking to her; you had better
+go and speak to her yourself.&nbsp; She is outside.&rdquo;&nbsp; I did
+so, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent.</p>
+<p>Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to
+listen to the conversation, and interrupting, said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t
+waste the odd sock, old man; do an act of charity and give it to some
+poor mar with only one leg.&rdquo;&nbsp; The laundress giggled like
+an idiot.&nbsp; I was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose
+of pinning down my collar, as the button had come off the back of my
+shirt.</p>
+<p>When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic
+joke about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter.&nbsp;
+I suppose I am losing my sense of humour.&nbsp; I spoke my mind pretty
+freely about Padge.&nbsp; Gowing said he had met him only once before
+that evening.&nbsp; He had been introduced by a friend, and as he (Padge)
+had &ldquo;stood&rdquo; a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some
+little return.&nbsp; Upon my word, Gowing&rsquo;s coolness surpasses
+all belief.&nbsp; Lupin came in before I could reply, and Gowing unfortunately
+inquired after Daisy Mutlar.&nbsp; Lupin shouted: &ldquo;Mind your own
+business, sir!&rdquo; and bounced out of the room, slamming the door.&nbsp;
+The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar&mdash;Daisy Mutlar&mdash;Daisy
+Mutlar.&nbsp; Oh dear!</p>
+<p>November 26, Sunday.&mdash;The curate preached a very good sermon
+to-day&mdash;very good indeed.&nbsp; His appearance is never so impressive
+as our dear old vicar&rsquo;s, but I am bound to say his sermons are
+much more impressive.&nbsp; A rather annoying incident occurred, of
+which I must make mention.&nbsp; Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite a grand
+lady, living in one of those large houses in the Camden Road, stopped
+to speak to me after church, when we were all coming out.&nbsp; I must
+say I felt flattered, for she is thought a good deal of.&nbsp; I suppose
+she knew me through seeing me so often take round the plate, especially
+as she always occupies the corner seat of the pew.&nbsp; She is a very
+influential lady, and may have had something of the utmost importance
+to say, but unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a strong gust of
+wind came and blew my hat off into the middle of the road.</p>
+<p>I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in recovering
+it.&nbsp; When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs. Fernlosse had
+walked on with some swell friends, and I felt I could not well approach
+her now, especially as my hat was smothered with mud.&nbsp; I cannot
+say how disappointed I felt.</p>
+<p>In the evening (<i>Sunday</i> evening of all others) I found an impertinent
+note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows:</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>&ldquo;Dear Mr. Pooter,&mdash;Although your junior by perhaps some
+twenty or thirty years&mdash;which is sufficient reason that you ought
+to have a longer record of the things and ways in this miniature of
+a planet&mdash;I feel it is just within the bounds of possibility that
+the wheels of your life don&rsquo;t travel so quickly round as those
+of the humble writer of these lines.&nbsp; The dandy horse of past days
+has been known to overtake the <i>slow coach</i>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do I make myself understood?</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well, then!&nbsp; Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise you
+to accept the <i>verb. sap</i>.&nbsp; Acknowledge your defeat, and take
+your whipping gracefully; for remember you threw down the glove, and
+I cannot claim to be either mentally or physically a <i>coward</i>!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;<i>Revenons &agrave; nos moutons</i>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Our lives run in different grooves.&nbsp; I live for MY ART&mdash;THE
+STAGE.&nbsp; Your life is devoted to commercial pursuits&mdash;&lsquo;A
+life among Ledgers.&rsquo;&nbsp; My books are of different metal.&nbsp;
+Your life in the City is honourable, I admit.&nbsp; <i>But how different</i>!&nbsp;
+Cannot even you see the ocean between us?&nbsp; A channel that prevents
+the meeting of our brains in harmonious accord.&nbsp; Ah!&nbsp; But
+<i>cha&ccedil;un &agrave; son go&ucirc;t</i>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame.&nbsp;
+I may crawl, I may slip, I may even falter (we are all weak), but <i>reach
+the top rung of the ladder I will</i>!!!&nbsp; When there, my voice
+shall be heard, for I will shout to the multitudes below: &lsquo;<i>Vici</i>!&rsquo;&nbsp;
+For the present I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, forsooth,
+save to a party of friends, with here and there an enemy.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, &lsquo;What is the difference
+between the amateur and the professional?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;None!!!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Stay!&nbsp; Yes, there is a difference.&nbsp; One is <i>paid</i>
+for doing what the other does as skilfully for <i>nothing</i>!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But I will be <i>paid</i>, too!&nbsp; For <i>I</i>, contrary
+to the wishes of my family and friends, have at last elected to adopt
+the stage as <i>my</i> profession.&nbsp; And when the <i>farce</i> craze
+is over&mdash;and, <i>mark you</i>, <i>that will be soon</i>&mdash;I
+will make my power known; for I feel&mdash;pardon my apparent conceit&mdash;that
+there is no living man who can play the hump-backed Richard as I <i>feel</i>
+and<i> know</i> I can.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And <i>you</i> will be the first to come round and bend your
+head in submission.&nbsp; There are many matters you may understand,
+but knowledge of the fine art of acting is to you an <i>unknown quantity</i>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Pray let this discussion cease with this letter.&nbsp; <i>Vale</i>!</p>
+<p>Yours truly,</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Burwin-Fosselton.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>I was disgusted.&nbsp; When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent
+letter, and said: &ldquo;My boy, in that letter you can see the true
+character of your friend.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin, to my surprise, said: &ldquo;Oh yes.&nbsp; He showed me the
+letter before he sent it.&nbsp; I think he is right, and you ought to
+apologise.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary.&nbsp;
+Lupin&rsquo;s opinion of &rsquo;Xmas.&nbsp; Lupin&rsquo;s unfortunate
+engagement is on again.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>December 17.&mdash;As I open my scribbling diary I find the words
+&ldquo;Oxford Michaelmas Term ends.&rdquo;&nbsp; Why this should induce
+me to indulge in retrospective I don&rsquo;t know, but it does.&nbsp;
+The last few weeks of my diary are of minimum interest.&nbsp; The breaking
+off of the engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a
+different being, and Carrie a rather depressing companion.&nbsp; She
+was a little dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer her up by reading
+some extracts from my diary; but she walked out of the room in the middle
+of the reading, without a word.&nbsp; On her return, I said: &ldquo;Did
+my diary bore you, darling?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>She replied, to my surprise: &ldquo;I really wasn&rsquo;t listening,
+dear.&nbsp; I was obliged to leave to give instructions to the laundress.&nbsp;
+In consequence of some stuff she puts in the water, two more of Lupin&rsquo;s
+coloured shirts have run and he says he won&rsquo;t wear them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Everything is Lupin.&nbsp; It&rsquo;s all Lupin, Lupin,
+Lupin.&nbsp; There was not a single button on my shirt yesterday, but
+<i>I</i> made no complaint.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Carrie simply replied: &ldquo;You should do as all other men do,
+and wear studs.&nbsp; In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons
+on the shirt-fronts.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none
+on.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in the
+evening, and Cummings never does.&nbsp; I fear they don&rsquo;t get
+on well with Lupin.</p>
+<p>December 18.&mdash;Yesterday I was in a retrospective vein&mdash;to-day
+it is <i>prospective</i>.&nbsp; I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds.&nbsp;
+Lupin is perfectly intolerable over the Daisy Mutlar business.&nbsp;
+He won&rsquo;t say what is the cause of the breach.&nbsp; He is evidently
+condemning her conduct, and yet, if we venture to agree with him, says
+he won&rsquo;t hear a word against her.&nbsp; So what is one to do?&nbsp;
+Another thing which is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin
+take no interest whatever in my diary.</p>
+<p>I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day.&nbsp; I said:
+&ldquo;I was in hopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary
+would be an endless source of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of
+the chance of the remuneration which may accrue from its being published.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing.&nbsp; Carrie was sorry
+for this, I could see, for she said: &ldquo;I did not mean to be rude,
+dear Charlie; but truly I do not think your diary would sufficiently
+interest the public to be taken up by a publisher.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I replied: &ldquo;I am sure it would prove quite as interesting as
+some of the ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately.&nbsp;
+Besides, it&rsquo;s the diary that makes the man.&nbsp; Where would
+Evelyn and Pepys have been if it had not been for their diaries?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering tone,
+said: &ldquo;If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., we might
+get a fair price from a butterman for it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year will
+see the end of my diary.</p>
+<p>December 19.&mdash;The annual invitation came to spend Christmas
+with Carrie&rsquo;s mother&mdash;the usual family festive gathering
+to which we always look forward.&nbsp; Lupin declined to go.&nbsp; I
+was astounded, and expressed my surprise and disgust.&nbsp; Lupin then
+obliged us with the following Radical speech: &ldquo;I hate a family
+gathering at Christmas.&nbsp; What does it mean?&nbsp; Why someone says:
+&lsquo;Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who was here last year,&rsquo;
+and we all begin to snivel.&nbsp; Someone else says: &lsquo;It&rsquo;s
+two years since poor Aunt Liz used to sit in that corner.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+Then we all begin to snivel again.&nbsp; Then another gloomy relation
+says &lsquo;Ah!&nbsp; I wonder whose turn it will be next?&rsquo;&nbsp;
+Then we all snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much; and
+they don&rsquo;t discover until <i>I</i> get up that we have been seated
+thirteen at dinner.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>December 20.&mdash;Went to Smirksons&rsquo;, the drapers, in the
+Strand, who this year have turned out everything in the shop and devoted
+the whole place to the sale of Christmas cards.&nbsp; Shop crowded with
+people, who seemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a
+hurried glance at them, throw them down again.&nbsp; I remarked to one
+of the young persons serving, that carelessness appeared to be a disease
+with some purchasers.&nbsp; The observation was scarcely out of my mouth,
+when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a large pile of expensive cards
+in boxes one on top of the other, and threw them down.&nbsp; The manager
+came forward, looking very much annoyed, and picking up several cards
+from the ground, said to one of the assistants, with a palpable side-glance
+at me: &ldquo;Put these amongst the sixpenny goods; they can&rsquo;t
+be sold for a shilling now.&rdquo;&nbsp; The result was, I felt it my
+duty to buy some of these damaged cards.</p>
+<p>I had to buy more and pay more than intended.&nbsp; Unfortunately
+I did not examine them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar
+card with a picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and the
+other white, and the words: &ldquo;We wish Pa a Merry Christmas.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I tore up the card and threw it away.&nbsp; Carrie said the great disadvantage
+of going out in Society and increasing the number of our friends was,
+that we should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this year.</p>
+<p>December 21.&mdash;To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we
+follow the example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early.&nbsp;
+Most of the cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night.&nbsp;
+I shall buy all future cards in the daytime.&nbsp; Lupin (who, ever
+since he has had the appointment with a stock and share broker, does
+not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings) told me never to rub out the
+pencilled price on the backs of the cards.&nbsp; I asked him why.&nbsp;
+Lupin said: &ldquo;Suppose your card is marked 9d.&nbsp; Well, all you
+have to do is to pencil a 3&mdash;and a long down-stroke after it&mdash;in
+<i>front</i> of the ninepence, and people will think you have given
+five times the price for it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that
+behind the clouds the sun was shining.&nbsp; He said: &ldquo;Ugh! it
+never shines on me.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Stop, Lupin, my boy;
+you are worried about Daisy Mutlar.&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t think of her any
+more.&nbsp; You ought to congratulate yourself on having got off a very
+bad bargain.&nbsp; Her notions are far too grand for our simple tastes.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He jumped up and said: &ldquo;I won&rsquo;t allow one word to be uttered
+against her.&nbsp; She&rsquo;s worth the whole bunch of your friends
+put together, that inflated, sloping-head of a Perkupp included.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.</p>
+<p>December 23.&mdash;I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning;
+but as he seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured
+to ask him where he intended to spend his Christmas.&nbsp; He replied:
+&ldquo;Oh, most likely at the Mutlars&rsquo;.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In wonderment, I said: &ldquo;What! after your engagement has been
+broken off?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Who said it is off?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;You have given us both to understand&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He interrupted me by saying: &ldquo;Well, never mind what I said.&nbsp;
+<i>It is on again&mdash;there</i>!&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>I receive an insulting Christmas card.&nbsp; We spend a pleasant
+Christmas at Carrie&rsquo;s mother&rsquo;s.&nbsp; A Mr. Moss is rather
+too free.&nbsp; A boisterous evening, during which I am struck in the
+dark.&nbsp; I receive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior,
+respecting Lupin.&nbsp; We miss drinking out the Old Year.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>December 24.&mdash;I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings
+to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this
+morning.&nbsp; I never insult people; why should they insult me?&nbsp;
+The worst part of the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting
+all my friends.&nbsp; The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised,
+being written sloping the wrong way.&nbsp; I cannot think either Gowing
+or Cummings would do such a mean thing.&nbsp; Lupin denied all knowledge
+of it, and I believe him; although I disapprove of his laughing and
+sympathising with the offender.&nbsp; Mr. Franching would be above such
+an act; and I don&rsquo;t think any of the Mutlars would descend to
+such a course.&nbsp; I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk at the office,
+did it?&nbsp; Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, or Burwin-Fosselton?&nbsp;
+The writing is too good for the former.</p>
+<p>Christmas Day.&mdash;We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and
+spent a pleasant day at Carrie&rsquo;s mother&rsquo;s.&nbsp; The country
+was quite nice and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy.&nbsp; We
+dined in the middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old
+times.&nbsp; If everybody had a nice, <i>un</i>interfering mother-in-law,
+such as I have, what a deal of happiness there would be in the world.&nbsp;
+Being all in good spirits, I proposed her health, and I made, I think,
+a very good speech.</p>
+<p>I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: &ldquo;On an occasion like
+this&mdash;whether relatives, friends, or acquaintances,&mdash;we are
+all inspired with good feelings towards each other.&nbsp; We are of
+one mind, and think only of love and friendship.&nbsp; Those who have
+quarrelled with absent friends should kiss and make it up.&nbsp; Those
+who happily have not fallen out, can kiss all the same.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must
+say I felt very flattered by the compliment.&nbsp; That dear old Reverend
+John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech,
+and said he should act on my suggestion respecting the kissing.&nbsp;
+He then walked round the table and kissed all the ladies, including
+Carrie.&nbsp; Of course one did not object to this; but I was more than
+staggered when a young fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me,
+and who had scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly
+with a sprig of misletoe, and exclaimed: &ldquo;Hulloh!&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t
+see why I shouldn&rsquo;t be on in this scene.&rdquo;&nbsp; Before one
+could realise what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and the rest
+of the ladies.</p>
+<p>Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed;
+but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a moment
+as to the result.&nbsp; I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie,
+but she said: &ldquo;Oh, he&rsquo;s not much more than a boy.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I said that he had a very large moustache for a boy.&nbsp; Carrie replied:
+&ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t say he was not a nice boy.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>December 26.&mdash;I did not sleep very well last night; I never
+do in a strange bed.&nbsp; I feel a little indigestion, which one must
+expect at this time of the year.&nbsp; Carrie and I returned to Town
+in the evening.&nbsp; Lupin came in late.&nbsp; He said he enjoyed his
+Christmas, and added: &ldquo;I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle,
+and only require a little more &lsquo;oof&rsquo; to feel as fit as a
+&pound;500 Stradivarius.&rdquo;&nbsp; I have long since given up trying
+to understand Lupin&rsquo;s slang, or asking him to explain it.</p>
+<p>December 27.&mdash;I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings
+to drop in to-morrow evening for a quiet game.&nbsp; I was in hope the
+boy would volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them.&nbsp; Instead
+of which, he said: &ldquo;Oh, you had better put them off, as I have
+asked Daisy and Frank Mutlar to come.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said I could not
+think of doing such a thing.&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;Then I will send
+a wire, and put off Daisy.&rdquo;&nbsp; I suggested that a post-card
+or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would not be so extravagant.</p>
+<p>Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent
+annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin.&nbsp; She said: &ldquo;Lupin,
+why do you object to Daisy meeting your father&rsquo;s friends?&nbsp;
+Is it because they are not good enough for her, or (which is equally
+possible) <i>she</i> is not good enough for them?&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin
+was dumbfounded, and could make no reply.&nbsp; When he left the room,
+I gave Carrie a kiss of approval.</p>
+<p>December 28&mdash;Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his
+mother: &ldquo;I have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them
+to join Gowing and Cummings this evening.&rdquo;&nbsp; I felt very pleased
+with the boy for this.&nbsp; Carrie said, in reply: &ldquo;I am glad
+you let me know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton,
+dress it with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been cut.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+She further said she would make a few custards, and stew some pippins,
+so that they would be cold by the evening.</p>
+<p>Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had
+any personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings.&nbsp; He replied:
+&ldquo;Not in the least.&nbsp; I think Cummings looks rather an ass,
+but that is partly due to his patronising &lsquo;the three-and-six-one-price
+hat company,&rsquo; and wearing a reach-me-down frock-coat.&nbsp; As
+for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of Gowing&rsquo;s&mdash;why,
+he resembles an itinerant photographer.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon Lupin,
+with a laugh, replied: &ldquo;No, and it wasn&rsquo;t much of a gentleman
+who made their coats.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very agreeable,
+especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she sang.&nbsp;
+At supper, however, she said: &ldquo;Can you make tee-to-tums with bread?&rdquo;
+and she commenced rolling up pieces of bread, and twisting them round
+on the table.&nbsp; I felt this to be bad manners, but of course said
+nothing.&nbsp; Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing
+bread-pills at each other.&nbsp; Frank followed suit, and so did Cummings
+and Gowing, to my astonishment.&nbsp; They then commenced throwing hard
+pieces of crust, one piece catching me on the forehead, and making me
+blink.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Steady, please; steady!&rdquo;&nbsp; Frank
+jumped up and said: &ldquo;Tum, tum; then the band played.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued
+the bread-battle.&nbsp; Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the
+cold mutton, and threw it full in my face.&nbsp; I looked daggers at
+Gowing, who replied: &ldquo;I say, it&rsquo;s no good trying to look
+indignant, with your hair full of parsley.&rdquo;&nbsp; I rose from
+the table, and insisted that a stop should be put to this foolery at
+once.&nbsp; Frank Mutlar shouted: &ldquo;Time, gentlemen, please! time!&rdquo;
+and turned out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.</p>
+<p>I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received a
+hard intentional punch at the back of my head.&nbsp; I said loudly:
+&ldquo;Who did that?&rdquo;&nbsp; There was no answer; so I repeated
+the question, with the same result.&nbsp; I struck a match, and lighted
+the gas.&nbsp; They were all talking and laughing, so I kept my own
+counsel; but, after they had gone, I said to Carrie; &ldquo;The person
+who sent me that insulting post-card at Christmas was here to-night.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>December 29.&mdash;I had a most vivid dream last night.&nbsp; I woke
+up, and on falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely.&nbsp;
+I dreamt I heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only
+sent me the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one
+who punched my head last night in the dark.&nbsp; As fate would have
+it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a letter he had just
+received from Frank.</p>
+<p>I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing.&nbsp;
+He did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing
+the Christmas card.&nbsp; I detected a similarity in the writing, in
+spite of the attempted disguise.&nbsp; I passed them on to Carrie, who
+began to laugh.&nbsp; I asked her what she was laughing at, and she
+said the card was never directed to me at all.&nbsp; It was &ldquo;L.
+Pooter,&rdquo; not &ldquo;C. Pooter.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin asked to look
+at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh: &ldquo;Oh
+yes, Guv., it&rsquo;s meant for me.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas
+cards?&rdquo;&nbsp; He replied: &ldquo;Oh yes, and of <i>sending</i>
+them, too.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much
+last night.&nbsp; I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old
+friend, about the vicious punch last night.&nbsp; He burst out laughing,
+and said: &ldquo;Oh, it was <i>your head</i>, was it?&nbsp; I know I
+accidentally hit something, but I thought it was a brick wall.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I told him I felt hurt, in both senses of the expression.</p>
+<p>December 30, Sunday.&mdash;Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars.&nbsp;
+He seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m
+glad to see you so happy, Lupin.&rdquo;&nbsp; He answered: &ldquo;Well,
+Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of
+a father down a peg.&nbsp; What with his meanness over his cigars, his
+stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning down the
+gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to one on half-sheets
+of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap on to the
+new cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace, and his
+general &lsquo;outside-halfpenny-&lsquo;bus-ness,&rsquo; I was compelled
+to let him have a bit of my mind.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Lupin,
+you are not much more than a boy; I hope you won&rsquo;t repent it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>December 31.&mdash;The last day of the Old Year.&nbsp; I received
+an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior.&nbsp; He writes: &ldquo;Dear
+Sir,&mdash;For a long time past I have had considerable difficulty deciding
+the important question, &lsquo;Who is the master of my own house?&nbsp;
+Myself, or <i>your son</i> Lupin?&rsquo;&nbsp; Believe me, I have no
+prejudice one way or the other; but I have been most reluctantly compelled
+to give judgment to the effect that I am the master of it.&nbsp; Under
+the circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid your son to enter
+my house again.&nbsp; I am sorry, because it deprives me of the society
+of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly persons I have
+ever had the honour of being acquainted with.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said
+nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.</p>
+<p>A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but promised
+to be back to drink out the Old Year&mdash;a custom we have always observed.&nbsp;
+At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned, and the fog was fearful.&nbsp;
+As time was drawing close, I got out the spirits.&nbsp; Carrie and I
+deciding on whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt
+like brandy.&nbsp; As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing
+to discuss.&nbsp; Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had not come in,
+did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to have a small wager with
+her to decide by the smell.&nbsp; I said I could decide it by the taste
+in a moment.&nbsp; A silly and unnecessary argument followed, the result
+of which was we suddenly saw it was a quarter-past twelve, and, for
+the first time in our married life, we missed welcoming in the New Year.&nbsp;
+Lupin got home at a quarter-past two, having got lost in the fog&mdash;so
+he said.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office.&nbsp;
+I make two good jokes.&nbsp; I get an enormous rise in my salary.&nbsp;
+Lupin speculates successfully and starts a pony-trap.&nbsp; Have to
+speak to Sarah.&nbsp; Extraordinary conduct of Gowing&rsquo;s.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>January 1.&mdash;I had intended concluding my diary last week; but
+a most important event has happened, so I shall continue for a little
+while longer on the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year&rsquo;s
+diary.&nbsp; It had just struck half-past one, and I was on the point
+of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received a message that
+Mr. Perkupp desired to see me at once.&nbsp; I must confess that my
+heart commenced to beat and I had most serious misgivings.</p>
+<p>Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: &ldquo;Take a seat,
+Mr. Pooter, I shall not be moment.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I replied: &ldquo;No, thank you, sir; I&rsquo;ll stand.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite twenty
+minutes; but it seemed hours.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp at last got up himself.</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He replied: &ldquo;Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+What a weight off my mind!&nbsp; My breath seemed to come back again
+in an instant.</p>
+<p>Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there
+will be some slight changes in the office.&nbsp; You have been with
+us nearly twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during
+that period, we intend making a special promotion in your favour.&nbsp;
+We have not quite decided how you will be placed; but in any case there
+will be a considerable increase in your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary
+for me to say, you fully deserve.&nbsp; I have an appointment at two;
+but you shall hear more to-morrow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or
+thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to him.&nbsp; I
+need not say how dear Carrie received this joyful news.&nbsp; With perfect
+simplicity she said: &ldquo;At last we shall be able to have a chimney-glass
+for the back drawing-room, which we always wanted.&rdquo;&nbsp; I added:
+&ldquo;Yes, and at last you shall have that little costume which you
+saw at Peter Robinson&rsquo;s so cheap.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>January 2.&mdash;I was in a great state of suspense all day at the
+office.&nbsp; I did not like to worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not
+send for me, and mentioned yesterday that he would see me again to-day,
+I thought it better, perhaps, to go to him.&nbsp; I knocked at his door,
+and on entering, Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Oh! it&rsquo;s you, Mr. Pooter;
+do you want to see me?&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;No, sir, I thought
+you wanted to see me!&rdquo;&nbsp; &ldquo;Oh!&rdquo; he replied, &ldquo;I
+remember.&nbsp; Well, I am very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>January 3.&mdash;Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which
+was not alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should
+not be at the office to-day.&nbsp; In the evening, Lupin, who was busily
+engaged with a paper, said suddenly to me: &ldquo;Do you know anything
+about <i>chalk pits</i>, Guv.?&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;No, my boy,
+not that I&rsquo;m aware of.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;Well, I
+give you the tip; <i>chalk pits</i> are as safe as Consols, and pay
+six per cent. at par.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said a rather neat thing, viz.:
+&ldquo;They may be six per cent. at <i>par</i>, but your <i>pa</i> has
+no money to invest.&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie and I both roared with laughter.&nbsp;
+Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the joke, although I purposely
+repeated it for him; but continued: &ldquo;I give you the tip, that&rsquo;s
+all&mdash;<i>chalk pits</i>!&rdquo;&nbsp; I said another funny thing:
+&ldquo;Mind you don&rsquo;t fall into them!&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin put on
+a supercilious smile, and said: &ldquo;Bravo!&nbsp; Joe Miller.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>January 4.&mdash;Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position
+would be that of one of the senior clerks.&nbsp; I was more than overjoyed.&nbsp;
+Mr. Perkupp added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary would
+be.&nbsp; This means another day&rsquo;s anxiety; I don&rsquo;t mind,
+for it is anxiety of the right sort.&nbsp; That reminded me that I had
+forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I received from Mr. Mutlar,
+senr.&nbsp; I broached the subject to Lupin in the evening, having first
+consulted Carrie.&nbsp; Lupin was riveted to the <i>Financial News</i>,
+as if he had been a born capitalist, and I said: &ldquo;Pardon me a
+moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to the Mutlars&rsquo; any
+day this week?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin answered: &ldquo;I told you!&nbsp; I cannot stand old Mutlar.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that
+he cannot stand you!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Well, I like his cheek in writing to <i>you</i>.&nbsp;
+I&rsquo;ll find out if his father is still alive, and I will write <i>him</i>
+a note complaining of <i>his</i> son, and I&rsquo;ll state pretty clearly
+that his son is a blithering idiot!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence
+of your mother.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m very sorry, but there is no other expression
+one can apply to him.&nbsp; However, I&rsquo;m determined not to enter
+his place again.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin replied: &ldquo;Well, we won&rsquo;t split straws&mdash;it&rsquo;s
+all the same.&nbsp; Daisy is a trump, and will wait for me ten years,
+if necessary.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>January 5.&mdash;I can scarcely write the news.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp
+told me my salary would be raised &pound;100!&nbsp; I stood gaping for
+a moment unable to realise it.&nbsp; I annually get &pound;10 rise,
+and I thought it might be &pound;15 or even &pound;20; but &pound;100
+surpasses all belief.&nbsp; Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good
+fortune.&nbsp; Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits.&nbsp;
+I sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer&rsquo;s for a bottle of champagne,
+the same as we had before, &ldquo;Jackson Fr&egrave;res.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+It was opened at supper, and I said to Lupin: &ldquo;This is to celebrate
+some good news I have received to-day.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin replied: &ldquo;Hooray,
+Guv.!&nbsp; And I have some good news, also; a double event, eh?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I said: &ldquo;My boy, as a result of twenty-one years&rsquo; industry
+and strict attention to the interests of my superiors in office, I have
+been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary of &pound;100.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which
+brought in Sarah to see what the matter was.&nbsp; Lupin ordered us
+to &ldquo;fill up&rdquo; again, and addressing us upstanding, said:
+&ldquo;Having been in the firm of Job Cleanands, stock and share-brokers,
+a few weeks, and not having paid particular attention to the interests
+of my superiors in office, my Guv&rsquo;nor, as a reward to me, allotted
+me &pound;5 worth of shares in a really good thing.&nbsp; The result
+is, to-day I have made &pound;200.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Lupin,
+you are joking.&rdquo;&nbsp; &ldquo;No, Guv., it&rsquo;s the good old
+truth; Job Cleanands <i>put me on to Chlorates</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>January 21.&mdash;I am very much concerned at Lupin having started
+a pony-trap.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous
+extravagance?&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin replied: &ldquo;Well, one must get
+to the City somehow.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ve only hired it, and can give it
+up any time I like.&rdquo;&nbsp; I repeated my question: &ldquo;Are
+you justified in this extravagance?&rdquo;&nbsp; He replied: &ldquo;Look
+here, Guv., excuse me saying so, but you&rsquo;re a bit out of date.&nbsp;
+It does not pay nowadays, fiddling about over small things.&nbsp; I
+don&rsquo;t mean anything personal, Guv&rsquo;nor.&nbsp; My boss says
+if I take his tip, and stick to big things, I can make big money!&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I said I thought the very idea of speculation most horrifying.&nbsp;
+Lupin said &ldquo;It is not speculation, it&rsquo;s a dead cert.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and cart; but
+he replied: &ldquo;I made &pound;200 in one day; now suppose I only
+make &pound;200 in a month, or put it at &pound;100 a month, which is
+ridiculously low&mdash;why, that is &pound;1,250 a year.&nbsp; What&rsquo;s
+a few pounds a week for a trap?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should
+feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsible
+for his own debts.&nbsp; He answered: &ldquo;My dear Guv., I promise
+you faithfully that I will never speculate with what I have not got.&nbsp;
+I shall only go on Job Cleanands&rsquo; tips, and as he is in the &lsquo;know&rsquo;
+it is pretty safe sailing.&rdquo;&nbsp; I felt somewhat relieved.&nbsp;
+Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise, informed me that,
+as he had made &pound;10 by one of Lupin&rsquo;s tips, he intended asking
+us and the Cummings round next Saturday.&nbsp; Carrie and I said we
+should be delighted.</p>
+<p>January 22.&mdash;I don&rsquo;t generally lose my temper with servants;
+but I had to speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she
+has recently contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the
+breakfast things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on
+the carpet, eventually to be trodden in.&nbsp; Sarah answered very rudely:
+&ldquo;Oh, you are always complaining.&rdquo;&nbsp; I replied: &ldquo;Indeed,
+I am not.&nbsp; I spoke to you last week about walking all over the
+drawing-room carpet with a piece of yellow soap on the heel of your
+boot.&rdquo;&nbsp; She said: &ldquo;And you&rsquo;re always grumbling
+about your breakfast.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;No, I am not; but
+I feel perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled
+egg.&nbsp; The moment I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate,
+and I have spoken to you at least fifty times about it.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+She began to cry and make a scene; but fortunately my &rsquo;bus came
+by, so I had a good excuse for leaving her.&nbsp; Gowing left a message
+in the evening, that we were not to forget next Saturday.&nbsp; Carrie
+amusingly said: As he has never asked any friends before, we are not
+likely to forget it.</p>
+<p>January 23.&mdash;I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes,
+he recently made me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser
+tells me I ought not to brush my hair too much just now.</p>
+<p>January 24.&mdash;The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room.&nbsp;
+Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side.&nbsp;
+It is an immense improvement to the room.</p>
+<p>January 25.&mdash;We had just finished our tea, when who should come
+in but Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks.&nbsp; I
+noticed that he looked anything but well, so I said: &ldquo;Well, Cummings,
+how are you?&nbsp; You look a little blue.&rdquo;&nbsp; He replied:
+&ldquo;Yes! and I feel blue too.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Why, what&rsquo;s
+the matter?&rdquo;&nbsp; He said: &ldquo;Oh, nothing, except that I
+have been on my back for a couple of weeks, that&rsquo;s all.&nbsp;
+At one time my doctor nearly gave me up, yet not a soul has come near
+me.&nbsp; No one has even taken the trouble to inquire whether I was
+alive or dead.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;This is the first I have heard of it.&nbsp; I have
+passed your house several nights, and presumed you had company, as the
+rooms were so brilliantly lighted.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Cummings replied: &ldquo;No!&nbsp; The only company I have had was
+my wife, the doctor, and the landlady&mdash;the last-named having turned
+out a perfect trump.&nbsp; I wonder you did not see it in the paper.&nbsp;
+I know it was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle News</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I thought to cheer him up, and said: &ldquo;Well, you are all right
+now?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He replied: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s not the question.&nbsp; The question
+is whether an illness does not enable you to discover who are your <i>true</i>
+friends.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said such an observation was unworthy of him.&nbsp; To make matters
+worse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the back,
+and said: &ldquo;Hulloh!&nbsp; Have you seen a ghost?&nbsp; You look
+scared to death, like Irving in <i>Macbeth</i>.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said:
+&ldquo;Gently, Gowing, the poor fellow has been very ill.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Gowing roared with laughter and said: &ldquo;Yes, and you look it, too.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Cummings quietly said: &ldquo;Yes, and I feel it too&mdash;not that
+I suppose you care.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>An awkward silence followed.&nbsp; Gowing said: &ldquo;Never mind,
+Cummings, you and the missis come round to my place to-morrow, and it
+will cheer you up a bit; for we&rsquo;ll open a bottle of wine.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>January 26.&mdash;An extraordinary thing happened.&nbsp; Carrie and
+I went round to Gowing&rsquo;s, as arranged, at half-past seven.&nbsp;
+We knocked and rang several times without getting an answer.&nbsp; At
+last the latch was drawn and the door opened a little way, the chain
+still being up.&nbsp; A man in shirt-sleeves put his head through and
+said: &ldquo;Who is it?&nbsp; What do you want?&rdquo; I said: &ldquo;Mr.
+Gowing, he is expecting us.&rdquo;&nbsp; The man said (as well as I
+could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog): &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t
+think he is.&nbsp; Mr. Gowing is not at home.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;He
+will be in directly.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and me
+standing on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner.</p>
+<p>Carrie advised me to knock again.&nbsp; I did so, and then discovered
+for the first time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the
+paint had come off on my gloves&mdash;which were, in consequence, completely
+spoiled.</p>
+<p>I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.</p>
+<p>The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and began
+abusing me.&nbsp; He said: &ldquo;What do you mean by scratching the
+paint with your stick like that, spoiling the varnish?&nbsp; You ought
+to be ashamed of yourself.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He interrupted and said: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t care for Mr. Gowing,
+or any of his friends.&nbsp; This is <i>my</i> door, not Mr. Gowing&rsquo;s.&nbsp;
+There are people here besides Mr. Gowing.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The impertinence of this man was nothing.&nbsp; I scarcely noticed
+it, it was so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing.</p>
+<p>At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived.&nbsp; Cummings was
+very lame and leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what
+the matter was.</p>
+<p>The man said: &ldquo;Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone.&nbsp;
+All he said was he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and he
+should not be back till Monday evening.&nbsp; He took his bag with him.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>With that he slammed the door again.&nbsp; I was too indignant with
+Gowing&rsquo;s conduct to say anything.&nbsp; Cummings looked white
+with rage, and as he descended the steps struck his stick violently
+on the ground and said: &ldquo;Scoundrel!&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Gowing explains his conduct.&nbsp; Lupin takes us for a drive, which
+we don&rsquo;t enjoy.&nbsp; Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>February 8.&mdash;It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages for
+breakfast.&nbsp; They are either full of bread or spice, or are as red
+as beef.&nbsp; Still anxious about the &pound;20 I invested last week
+by Lupin&rsquo;s advice.&nbsp; However, Cummings has done the same.</p>
+<p>February 9.&mdash;Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither
+seen nor heard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking
+us round to his house, and then being out.&nbsp; In the evening Carrie
+was engaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased.&nbsp;
+I&rsquo;ll back Carrie&rsquo;s marking against anybody&rsquo;s.&nbsp;
+While I was drying them at the fire, and Carrie was rebuking me for
+scorching them, Cummings came in.</p>
+<p>He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the collars.&nbsp;
+I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied that he had
+not.&nbsp; I said I should not have believed that Gowing could have
+acted in such an ungentlemanly manner.&nbsp; Cummings said: &ldquo;You
+are mild in your description of him; I think he has acted like a cad.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, and
+Gowing, putting in his head, said: &ldquo;May I come in?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I said: &ldquo;Certainly.&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie said very pointedly: &ldquo;Well,
+you <i>are</i> a stranger.&rdquo;&nbsp; Gowing said: &ldquo;Yes, I&rsquo;ve
+been on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.&rdquo;&nbsp; I
+could see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackled Gowing
+very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday week.&nbsp; Gowing
+appeared surprised, and said: &ldquo;Why, I posted a letter to you in
+the morning announcing that the party was &lsquo;off, very much off.&rsquo;&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I said: &ldquo;I never got it.&rdquo;&nbsp; Gowing, turning to Carrie,
+said: &ldquo;I suppose letters sometimes <i>miscarry</i>, don&rsquo;t
+they, <i>Mrs</i>. Carrie?&rdquo;&nbsp; Cummings sharply said: &ldquo;This
+is not a time for joking.&nbsp; I had no notice of the party being put
+off.&rdquo;&nbsp; Gowing replied: &ldquo;I told Pooter in my note to
+tell you, as I was in a hurry.&nbsp; However, I&rsquo;ll inquire at
+the post-office, and we must meet again at my place.&rdquo;&nbsp; I
+added that I hoped he would be present at the next meeting.&nbsp; Carrie
+roared at this, and even Cummings could not help laughing.</p>
+<p>February 10, Sunday.&mdash;Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed
+Lupin to persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his
+trap.&nbsp; I quite disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not
+like to trust Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too.&nbsp;
+Lupin said: &ldquo;Now, that is nice of you, Guv., but you won&rsquo;t
+mind sitting on the back-seat of the cart?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles too
+large for him.&nbsp; Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at
+the back.&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;Haven&rsquo;t you seen a box-coat
+before?&nbsp; You can&rsquo;t drive in anything else.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive
+with him again.&nbsp; His conduct was shocking.&nbsp; When we passed
+Highgate Archway, he tried to pass everything and everybody.&nbsp; He
+shouted to respectable people who were walking quietly in the road to
+get out of the way; he flicked at the horse of an old man who was riding,
+causing it to rear; and, as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled
+to face a gang of roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and
+who turned and followed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in
+coarse jokes and laughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting us
+with orange-peel.</p>
+<p>Lupin&rsquo;s excuse&mdash;that the Prince of Wales would have to
+put up with the same sort of thing if he drove to the Derby&mdash;was
+of little consolation to either Carrie or myself.&nbsp; Frank Mutlar
+called in the evening, and Lupin went out with him.</p>
+<p>February 11.&mdash;Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered
+up courage to speak to Mr. Perkupp about him.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp has
+always been most kind to me, so I told him everything, including yesterday&rsquo;s
+adventure.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: &ldquo;There is no necessity
+for you to be anxious, Mr. Pooter.&nbsp; It would be impossible for
+a son of such good parents to turn out erroneously.&nbsp; Remember he
+is young, and will soon get older.&nbsp; I wish we could find room for
+him in this firm.&rdquo;&nbsp; The advice of this good man takes loads
+off my mind.&nbsp; In the evening Lupin came in.</p>
+<p>After our little supper, he said: &ldquo;My dear parents, I have
+some news, which I fear will affect you considerably.&rdquo;&nbsp; I
+felt a qualm come over me, and said nothing.&nbsp; Lupin then said:
+&ldquo;It may distress you&mdash;in fact, I&rsquo;m sure it will&mdash;but
+this afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for ever.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a bottle
+of port.&nbsp; Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing with him a large
+sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, which he fastened against
+the wall.&nbsp; He then produced several separate tails, and we spent
+the remainder of the evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in
+the proper place.&nbsp; My sides positively ached with laughter when
+I went to bed.</p>
+<p>February 12.&mdash;In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement
+with Daisy Mutlar.&nbsp; I asked if he had heard from her.&nbsp; He
+replied: &ldquo;No; she promised that old windbag of a father of hers
+that she would not communicate with me.&nbsp; I see Frank Mutlar, of
+course; in fact, he said he might call again this evening.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Frank called, but said he could not stop, as he had a friend waiting
+outside for him, named Murray Posh, adding he was quite a swell.&nbsp;
+Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.</p>
+<p>He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time.&nbsp; Mr. Murray
+Posh was a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervous
+disposition, as he subsequently confessed he would never go in a hansom
+cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler until the driver had first got
+on the box with his reins in his hands.</p>
+<p>On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said: &ldquo;Any
+relation to &lsquo;Posh&rsquo;s three-shilling hats&rsquo;?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Mr. Posh replied: &ldquo;Yes; but please understand I don&rsquo;t try
+on hats myself.&nbsp; I take no <i>active</i> part in the business.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I replied: &ldquo;I wish I had a business like it.&rdquo;&nbsp; Mr.
+Posh seemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of
+the extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap hats.</p>
+<p>Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the
+way he was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, laughingly:
+&ldquo;If you don&rsquo;t look out, Posh will cut you out!&rdquo;&nbsp;
+When they had all gone, I referred to this flippant conversation; and
+Lupin said, sarcastically: &ldquo;A man who is jealous has no respect
+for himself.&nbsp; A man who would be jealous of an elephant like Murray
+Posh could only have a contempt for himself.&nbsp; I know Daisy.&nbsp;
+She <i>would</i> wait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, if
+necessary, <i>she would wait twenty years for me</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XVI</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>We lose money over Lupin&rsquo;s advice as to investment, so does
+Cummings.&nbsp; Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>February 18.&mdash;Carrie has several times recently called attention
+to the thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me
+to get it seen to.&nbsp; I was this morning trying to look at it by
+the aid of a small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against
+the edge of the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand
+and smashed it.&nbsp; Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she is
+rather absurdly superstitious.&nbsp; To make matters worse, my large
+photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, and the glass
+cracked.</p>
+<p>Carrie said: &ldquo;Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about
+to happen.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Nonsense, dear.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little agitated.&nbsp;
+I said: &ldquo;What&rsquo;s up, my boy?&rdquo;&nbsp; He hesitated a
+good deal, and then said: &ldquo;You know those Parachikka Chlorates
+I advised you to invest &pound;20 in?&nbsp; I replied: &ldquo;Yes, they
+are all right, I trust?&rdquo;&nbsp; He replied: &ldquo;Well, no!&nbsp;
+To the surprise of everybody, they have utterly collapsed.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing.&nbsp;
+Carrie looked at me, and said: &ldquo;What did I tell you?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Lupin, after a while, said: &ldquo;However, you are specially fortunate.&nbsp;
+I received an early tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate
+to get &pound;2 for them.&nbsp; So you get something after all.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I gave a sigh of relief.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;I was not so sanguine
+as to suppose, as you predicted, that I should get six or eight times
+the amount of my investment; still a profit of &pound;2 is a good percentage
+for such a short time.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin said, quite irritably: &ldquo;You
+don&rsquo;t understand.&nbsp; I sold your &pound;20 shares for &pound;2;
+you therefore lose &pound;18 on the transaction, whereby Cummings and
+Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>February 19.&mdash;Lupin, before going to town, said: &ldquo;I am
+very sorry about those Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened
+if the boss, Job Cleanands, had been in town.&nbsp; Between ourselves,
+you must not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office.&nbsp;
+Job Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it strikes me
+several people <i>do</i> want to see him very particularly.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid
+a collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the room,
+without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, &ldquo;May I come
+in?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be
+in the very best of spirits.&nbsp; Neither Lupin nor I broached the
+subject to him, but he did so of his own accord.&nbsp; He said: &ldquo;I
+say, those Parachikka Chlorates have gone an awful smash!&nbsp; You&rsquo;re
+a nice one, Master Lupin.&nbsp; How much do you lose?&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin,
+to my utter astonishment, said: &ldquo;Oh!&nbsp; I had nothing in them.&nbsp;
+There was some informality in my application&mdash;I forgot to enclose
+the cheque or something, and I didn&rsquo;t get any.&nbsp; The Guv.
+loses &pound;18.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;I quite understood you
+were in it, or nothing would have induced me to speculate.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Lupin replied: &ldquo;Well, it can&rsquo;t be helped; you must go double
+on the next tip.&rdquo;&nbsp; Before I could reply, Gowing said: &ldquo;Well,
+I lose nothing, fortunately.&nbsp; From what I heard, I did not quite
+believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my &pound;15 worth,
+as he had more faith in them than I had.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said:
+&ldquo;Alas, poor Cummings.&nbsp; He&rsquo;ll lose &pound;35.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+At that moment there was a ring at the bell.&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;I
+don&rsquo;t want to meet Cummings.&rdquo;&nbsp; If he had gone out of
+the door he would have met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible
+Lupin opened the parlour window and got out.&nbsp; Gowing jumped up
+suddenly, exclaiming: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t want to see him either!&rdquo;
+and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin out of the window.</p>
+<p>For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my
+most intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of
+interrupted burglars.&nbsp; Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course
+was naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing.&nbsp; I pressed
+him to have a little whisky, and he replied that he had given up whisky;
+but would like a little &ldquo;Unsweetened,&rdquo; as he was advised
+it was the most healthy spirit.&nbsp; I had none in the house, but sent
+Sarah round to Lockwood&rsquo;s for some.</p>
+<p>February 20.&mdash;The first thing that caught my eye on opening
+the <i>Standard</i> was&mdash;&ldquo;Great Failure of Stock and Share
+Dealers!&nbsp; Mr. Job Cleanands absconded!&rdquo;&nbsp; I handed it
+to Carrie, and she replied: &ldquo;Oh! perhaps it&rsquo;s for Lupin&rsquo;s
+good.&nbsp; I never did think it a suitable situation for him.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I thought the whole affair very shocking.</p>
+<p>Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully distressed,
+I said: &ldquo;We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorry for
+you.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;How did you know? who told you?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I handed him the <i>Standard</i>.&nbsp; He threw the paper down, and
+said: &ldquo;Oh I don&rsquo;t care a button for that!&nbsp; I expected
+that, but I did not expect this.&rdquo;&nbsp; He then read a letter
+from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar is
+to be married next month to Murray Posh.&nbsp; I exclaimed, &ldquo;Murray
+Posh!&nbsp; Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring
+here last Tuesday week?&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;Yes; the &lsquo;<i>Posh&rsquo;s-three-shilling-hats&rsquo;</i>
+chap.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.</p>
+<p>In fact, I could eat nothing.&nbsp; I was not only too worried, but
+I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon.&nbsp; If I cannot get streaky
+bacon, I will do without anything.</p>
+<p>When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his
+face.&nbsp; I asked him what it meant.&nbsp; He replied: &ldquo;Oh!
+only a little consolation&mdash;still it is a consolation.&nbsp; I have
+just remembered that, by <i>my</i> advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested
+&pound;600 in Parachikka Chlorates!&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XVII</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh.&nbsp; The dream of my life
+realised.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp takes Lupin into the office.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>March 20.&mdash;To-day being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr.
+Murray Posh are to be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to spend
+the day at Gravesend.&nbsp; Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair,
+although he declares that he is glad it is off.&nbsp; I wish he would
+not go to so many music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him
+about it.&nbsp; At the present moment he irritates me by singing all
+over the house some nonsense about &ldquo;What&rsquo;s the matter with
+Gladstone?&nbsp; He&rsquo;s all right!&nbsp; What&rsquo;s the matter
+with Lupin?&nbsp; He&rsquo;s all right!&rdquo;&nbsp; <i>I</i> don&rsquo;t
+think either of them is.&nbsp; In the evening Gowing called, and the
+chief topic of conversation was Daisy&rsquo;s marriage to Murray Posh.&nbsp;
+I said: &ldquo;I was glad the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only
+have made a fool of Lupin.&rdquo;&nbsp; Gowing, with his usual good
+taste, said: &ldquo;Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself without
+any assistance.&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie very properly resented this, and
+Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.</p>
+<p>March 21.&mdash;To-day I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of
+the happiest days of my life.&nbsp; My great dream of the last few weeks&mdash;in
+fact, of many years&mdash;has been realised.&nbsp; This morning came
+a letter from Mr. Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the office
+with me.&nbsp; I went to Lupin&rsquo;s room; poor fellow, he seemed
+very pale, and said he had a bad headache.&nbsp; He had come back yesterday
+from Gravesend, where he spent part of the day in a small boat on the
+water, having been mad enough to neglect to take his overcoat with him.&nbsp;
+I showed him Mr. Perkupp&rsquo;s letter, and he got up as quickly as
+possible.&nbsp; I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured clothes
+and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking.</p>
+<p>Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she
+could keep on saying was: &ldquo;Oh, I <i>do</i> hope it will be all
+right.&rdquo;&nbsp; For myself, I could scarcely eat any breakfast.&nbsp;
+Lupin came down dressed quietly, and looking a perfect gentleman, except
+that his face was rather yellow.&nbsp; Carrie, by way of encouragement
+said: &ldquo;You do look nice, Lupin.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin replied: &ldquo;Yes,
+it&rsquo;s a good make-up, isn&rsquo;t it?&nbsp; A regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior-clerk.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He laughed rather ironically.</p>
+<p>In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah
+to fetch down his old hat.&nbsp; I went into the passage, and found
+Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat.&nbsp; I said:
+&ldquo;Lupin, my boy, what are you doing?&nbsp; How wicked of you!&nbsp;
+Some poor fellow would be glad to have it.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin replied:
+&ldquo;I would not insult any poor fellow by giving it to him.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw inside
+&ldquo;Posh&rsquo;s Patent.&rdquo;&nbsp; Poor Lupin!&nbsp; I can forgive
+him.&nbsp; It seemed hours before we reached the office.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp
+sent for Lupin, who was with him nearly an hour.&nbsp; He returned,
+as I thought, crestfallen in appearance.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Well,
+Lupin, how about Mr. Perkupp?&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin commenced his song:
+&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the matter with Perkupp?&nbsp; He&rsquo;s all right!&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I felt instinctively my boy was engaged.&nbsp; I went to Mr. Perkupp,
+but I could not speak.&nbsp; He said: &ldquo;Well, Mr. Pooter, what
+is it?&rdquo;&nbsp; I must have looked a fool, for all I could say was:
+&ldquo;Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man.&rdquo;&nbsp; He looked at me
+for a moment, and said: &ldquo;No, Mr. Pooter, <i>you</i> are the good
+man; and we&rsquo;ll see if we cannot get your son to follow such an
+excellent example.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Mr. Perkupp, may I go
+home?&nbsp; I cannot work any more to-day.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head.&nbsp;
+It was as much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the &rsquo;bus;
+in fact, I should have done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted
+by Lupin, who was having a quarrel with a fat man in the &rsquo;bus,
+whom he accused of taking up too much room.</p>
+<p>In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and
+his wife, and also to Gowing.&nbsp; We all sat round the fire, and in
+a bottle of &ldquo;Jackson Fr&egrave;res,&rdquo; which Sarah fetched
+from the grocer&rsquo;s, drank Lupin&rsquo;s health.&nbsp; I lay awake
+for hours, thinking of the future.&nbsp; My boy in the same office as
+myself&mdash;we can go down together by the &rsquo;bus, come home together,
+and who knows but in the course of time he may take great interest in
+our little home.&nbsp; That he may help me to put a nail in here or
+a nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture.&nbsp; In
+the summer he may help us in our little garden with the flowers, and
+assist us to paint the stands and pots.&nbsp; (By-the-by, I must get
+in some more enamel paint.)&nbsp; All this I thought over and over again,
+and a thousand happy thoughts beside.&nbsp; I heard the clock strike
+four, and soon after fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people&mdash;Lupin,
+dear Carrie, and myself.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XVIII</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Trouble with a stylographic pen.&nbsp; We go to a Volunteer Ball,
+where I am let in for an expensive supper.&nbsp; Grossly insulted by
+a cabman.&nbsp; An odd invitation to Southend.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>April 8.&mdash;No events of any importance, except that Gowing strongly
+recommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me nine-and-sixpence,
+and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud.&nbsp; It has
+caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper.&nbsp; The ink
+oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the office
+when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the ink
+down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: &ldquo;Stop that
+knocking!&nbsp; I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?&rdquo;&nbsp; That young
+monkey, Pitt, took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly: &ldquo;No,
+sir; I beg pardon, it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going
+on all the morning.&rdquo;&nbsp; To make matters worse, I saw Lupin
+laughing behind his desk.&nbsp; I thought it wiser to say nothing.&nbsp;
+I took the pen back to the shop and asked them if they would take it
+back, as it did not act.&nbsp; I did not expect the full price returned,
+but was willing to take half.&nbsp; The man said he could not do that&mdash;buying
+and selling were two different things.&nbsp; Lupin&rsquo;s conduct during
+the period he has been in Mr. Perkupp&rsquo;s office has been most exemplary.&nbsp;
+My only fear is, it is too good to last.</p>
+<p>April 9.&mdash;Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for
+Carrie and myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which
+he thought would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir
+William Grime) had promised his patronage.&nbsp; We accepted of his
+kindness, and he stayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for
+trying a bottle of the sparkling Alg&eacute;ra that Mr. James (of Sutton)
+had sent as a present.&nbsp; Gowing sipped the wine, observing that
+he had never tasted it before, and further remarked that his policy
+was to stick to more recognised brands.&nbsp; I told him it was a present
+from a dear friend, and one mustn&rsquo;t look a gift-horse in the mouth.&nbsp;
+Gowing facetiously replied: &ldquo;And he didn&rsquo;t like putting
+it in the mouth either.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting
+it myself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for them.&nbsp;
+The sparkling Alg&eacute;ra is very like cider, only more sour.&nbsp;
+I suggested that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid.&nbsp;
+He merely replied: &ldquo;Oh! I don&rsquo;t think so.&rdquo;&nbsp; We
+had a very pleasant game of cards, though I lost four shillings and
+Carrie lost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence: how he
+could have lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only other players,
+remains a mystery.</p>
+<p>April 14, Sunday.&mdash;Owing, I presume, to the unsettled weather,
+I awoke with a feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight
+as a drum.&nbsp; Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane,
+members of our congregation who had walked back with us, I was much
+annoyed to find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path,
+evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who, whenever
+we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside their conservatory,
+tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and imitating birds.</p>
+<p>April 15.&mdash;Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce,
+through that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting
+it on the table.</p>
+<p>April 16.&mdash;The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball.&nbsp;
+On my advice, Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful
+in at the Mansion House, for it had occurred to me, being a military
+ball, that Mr. Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary
+Artillery Company, would in all probability be present.&nbsp; Lupin,
+in his usual incomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard it
+was a &ldquo;bounders&rsquo; ball.&rdquo;&nbsp; I didn&rsquo;t ask him
+what he meant though I didn&rsquo;t understand.&nbsp; Where he gets
+these expressions from I don&rsquo;t know; he certainly doesn&rsquo;t
+learn them at home.</p>
+<p>The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived
+an hour later we should be in good time, without being &ldquo;unfashionable,&rdquo;
+as Mrs. James says.&nbsp; It was very difficult to find&mdash;the cabman
+having to get down several times to inquire at different public-houses
+where the Drill Hall was.&nbsp; I wonder at people living in such out-of-the-way
+places.&nbsp; No one seemed to know it.&nbsp; However, after going up
+and down a good many badly-lighted streets we arrived at our destination.&nbsp;
+I had no idea it was so far from Holloway.&nbsp; I gave the cabman five
+shillings, who only grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign,
+and was impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball
+to take a &rsquo;bus.</p>
+<p>Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that
+it was better late than never.&nbsp; He seemed a very good-looking gentleman
+though, as Carrie remarked, &ldquo;rather short for an officer.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He begged to be excused for leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance,
+and hoped we should make ourselves at home.&nbsp; Carrie took my arm
+and we walked round the rooms two or three times and watched the people
+dancing.&nbsp; I couldn&rsquo;t find a single person I knew, but attributed
+it to most of them being in uniform.&nbsp; As we were entering the supper-room
+I received a slap on the shoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the
+hand.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;Mr. Padge, I believe;&rdquo; he replied,
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s right.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made herself
+at home with Carrie at once.</p>
+<p>There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne,
+claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless
+of expense.&nbsp; Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular
+liking for, but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that I
+asked him to sit at our table, and I must say that for a short fat man
+he looked well in uniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy
+in the back.&nbsp; It was the only supper-room that I have been in that
+was not over-crowded; in fact we were the only people there, everybody
+being so busy dancing.</p>
+<p>I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said her
+name was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the bottle
+to Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying: &ldquo;You must look after yourself.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He replied: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s right,&rdquo; and poured out half a
+tumbler and drank Carrie&rsquo;s health, coupled, as he said, &ldquo;with
+her worthy lord and master.&rdquo;&nbsp; We all had some splendid pigeon
+pie, and ices to follow.</p>
+<p>The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like some
+more wine.&nbsp; I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also
+some people who had just come from the dancing-room, who were very civil.&nbsp;
+It occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew
+me in the City, as they were so polite.&nbsp; I made myself useful,
+and assisted several ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that
+&ldquo;There is nothing lost by civility.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball-room.&nbsp;
+The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing,
+and as I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge offered his arms
+to them and escorted them to the ball-room, telling me to follow.&nbsp;
+I said to Mr. Padge: &ldquo;It is quite a West End affair,&rdquo; to
+which remark Mr. Padge replied: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s right.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter
+who had been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on
+the shoulder.&nbsp; I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball
+to expect a tip, but nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been very
+attentive.&nbsp; He smilingly replied: &ldquo;I beg your pardon, sir,
+this is no good,&rdquo; alluding to the shilling.&nbsp; &ldquo;Your
+party&rsquo;s had four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s., three
+bottles of champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny
+cigar for the stout gentleman&mdash;in all &pound;3 0s. 6d.!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I don&rsquo;t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only
+sufficient breath to inform him that I had received a private invitation,
+to which he answered that he was perfectly well aware of that; but that
+the invitation didn&rsquo;t include eatables and drinkables.&nbsp; A
+gentleman who was standing at the bar corroborated the waiter&rsquo;s
+statement, and assured me it was quite correct.</p>
+<p>The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any misapprehension;
+but it was not his fault.&nbsp; Of course there was nothing to be done
+but to pay.&nbsp; So, after turning out my pockets, I just managed to
+scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but the manager, on my
+giving my card to him, said: &ldquo;That&rsquo;s all right.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I don&rsquo;t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I
+determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would entirely
+destroy the pleasant evening she was enjoying.&nbsp; I felt there was
+no more enjoyment for me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie
+and Mrs. Lupkin.&nbsp; Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs.
+Lupkin, as we were wishing her &ldquo;Good-night,&rdquo; asked Carrie
+and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend?&nbsp; On my replying
+that I hadn&rsquo;t been there for many years, she very kindly said:
+&ldquo;Well, why don&rsquo;t you come down and stay at our place?&rdquo;&nbsp;
+As her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carrie wished
+to go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay
+till Monday.&nbsp; Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow,
+giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.</p>
+<p>When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that the
+roads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty
+in getting a cabman to take us to Holloway.&nbsp; After waiting a bit,
+a man said he would drive us, anyhow, as far as &ldquo;The Angel,&rdquo;
+at Islington, and we could easily get another cab from there.&nbsp;
+It was a tedious journey; the rain was beating against the windows and
+trickling down the inside of the cab.</p>
+<p>When we arrived at &ldquo;The Angel&rdquo; the horse seemed tired
+out.&nbsp; Carrie got out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to
+pay, to my absolute horror I remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie.&nbsp;
+I explained to the cabman how we were situated.&nbsp; Never in my life
+have I ever been so insulted; the cabman, who was a rough bully and
+to my thinking not sober, called me every name he could lay his tongue
+to, and positively seized me by the beard, which he pulled till the
+tears came into my eyes.&nbsp; I took the number of a policeman (who
+witnessed the assault) for not taking the man in charge.&nbsp; The policeman
+said he couldn&rsquo;t interfere, that he had seen no assault, and that
+people should not ride in cabs without money.</p>
+<p>We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when
+I got in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word for
+word, as I intend writing to the <i>Telegraph</i> for the purpose of
+proposing that cabs should be driven only by men under Government control,
+to prevent civilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage
+that I had had to endure.</p>
+<p>April 17.&mdash;No water in our cistern again.&nbsp; Sent for Putley,
+who said he would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc.</p>
+<p>April 18.&mdash;Water all right again in the cistern.&nbsp; Mrs.
+James, of Sutton, called in the afternoon.&nbsp; She and Carrie draped
+the mantelpiece in the drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs
+and beetles all over it, as Mrs. James says it&rsquo;s quite the fashion.&nbsp;
+It was Mrs. James&rsquo; suggestion, and of course Carrie always does
+what Mrs. James suggests.&nbsp; For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece
+as it was; but there, I&rsquo;m a plain man, and don&rsquo;t pretend
+to be in the fashion.</p>
+<p>April 19.&mdash;Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and
+in a rather offensive tone accused me, or &ldquo;someone,&rdquo; of
+boring a hole in his cistern and letting out his water to supply our
+cistern, which adjoined his.&nbsp; He said he should have his repaired,
+and send us in the bill.</p>
+<p>April 20.&mdash;Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying
+he had been on his back for a week.&nbsp; It appears he was trying to
+shut his bedroom door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase,
+and unknown to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had
+got between the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the
+door hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his hands,
+and he fell backwards downstairs.</p>
+<p>On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed
+out of the room sideways.&nbsp; Cummings looked very indignant, and
+remarked it was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and though
+I had my suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured Cummings that
+he had only run out to open the door to a friend he expected.&nbsp;
+Cummings said this was the second time he had been laid up, and we had
+never sent to inquire.&nbsp; I said I knew nothing about it.&nbsp; Cummings
+said: &ldquo;It was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle News</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>April 22.&mdash;I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing
+her nails a good deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she
+was doing, she replied: &ldquo;Oh, I&rsquo;m going in for manicuring.&nbsp;
+It&rsquo;s all the fashion now.&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;I suppose
+Mrs. James introduced that into your head.&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie laughingly
+replied: &ldquo;Yes; but everyone does it now.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I wish Mrs. James wouldn&rsquo;t come to the house.&nbsp; Whenever
+she does she always introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie&rsquo;s
+head.&nbsp; One of these days I feel sure I shall tell her she&rsquo;s
+not welcome.&nbsp; I am sure it was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to
+writing on dark slate-coloured paper with white ink.&nbsp; Nonsense!</p>
+<p>April 23.&mdash;Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend,
+telling us the train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep
+our promise to stay with her.&nbsp; The letter concluded: &ldquo;You
+must come and stay at our house; we shall charge you half what you will
+have to pay at the Royal, and the view is every bit as good.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Looking at the address at the top of the note-paper, I found it was
+&ldquo;Lupkin&rsquo;s Family and Commercial Hotel.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to &ldquo;decline her kind
+invitation.&rdquo;&nbsp; Carrie thought this very satirical, and to
+the point.</p>
+<p>By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night.&nbsp;
+I ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards&rsquo;, and
+chose the pattern by gaslight, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt
+mixture with white stripes down.&nbsp; They came home this morning,
+and, to my horror, I found it was quite a flash-looking suit.&nbsp;
+There was a lot of green with bright yellow-coloured stripes.</p>
+<p>I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling.&nbsp;
+She said: &ldquo;What mixture did you say you asked for?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;A quiet pepper and salt.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Carrie said: &ldquo;Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want
+to know the truth.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XIX</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow.&nbsp; We have a pleasant
+and quiet dinner at his uncle&rsquo;s, marred only by a few awkward
+mistakes on my part respecting Mr. Finsworth&rsquo;s pictures.&nbsp;
+A discussion on dreams.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>April 27.&mdash;Kept a little later than usual at the office, and
+as I was hurrying along a man stopped me, saying: &ldquo;Hulloh!&nbsp;
+That&rsquo;s a face I know.&rdquo;&nbsp; I replied politely: &ldquo;Very
+likely; lots of people know me, although I may not know them.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+He replied: &ldquo;But you know me&mdash;Teddy Finsworth.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+So it was.&nbsp; He was at the same school with me.&nbsp; I had not
+seen him for years and years.&nbsp; No wonder I did not know him!&nbsp;
+At school he was at least a head taller than I was; now I am at least
+a head taller than he is, and he has a thick beard, almost grey.&nbsp;
+He insisted on my having a glass of wine (a thing I never do), and told
+me he lived at Middlesboro&rsquo;, where he was Deputy Town Clerk, a
+position which was as high as the Town Clerk of London&mdash;in fact,
+higher.&nbsp; He added that he was staying for a few days in London,
+with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul Finsworth (of Finsworth and Pultwell).&nbsp;
+He said he was sure his uncle would be only too pleased to see me, and
+he had a nice house, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes&rsquo; walk from
+Muswell Hill Station.&nbsp; I gave him our address, and we parted.</p>
+<p>In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter
+from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would dine with
+them to-morrow (Sunday), at two o&rsquo;clock, he would be delighted.&nbsp;
+Carrie did not like to go; but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much we
+consented.&nbsp; Carrie sent Sarah round to the butcher&rsquo;s and
+countermanded our half-leg of mutton, which we had ordered for to-morrow.</p>
+<p>April 28, Sunday.&mdash;We found Watney Lodge farther off than we
+anticipated, and only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling
+hot and uncomfortable.&nbsp; To make matters worse, a large collie dog
+pounced forward to receive us.&nbsp; He barked loudly and jumped up
+at Carrie, covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the first
+time, with mud.&nbsp; Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dog off
+and apologised.&nbsp; We were shown into the drawing-room, which was
+beautifully decorated.&nbsp; It was full of knick-knacks, and some plates
+hung up on the wall.&nbsp; There were several little wooden milk-stools
+with paintings on them; also a white wooden banjo, painted by one of
+Mr. Paul Finsworth&rsquo;s nieces&mdash;a cousin of Teddy&rsquo;s.</p>
+<p>Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking elderly gentleman,
+and was most gallant to Carrie.&nbsp; There were a great many water-colours
+hanging on the walls, mostly different views of India, which were very
+bright.&nbsp; Mr. Finsworth said they were painted by &ldquo;Simpz,&rdquo;
+and added that he was no judge of pictures himself but had been informed
+on good authority that they were worth some hundreds of pounds, although
+he had only paid a few shillings apiece for them, frames included, at
+a sale in the neighbourhood.</p>
+<p>There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done in
+coloured crayons.&nbsp; It looked like a religious subject.&nbsp; I
+was very much struck with the lace collar, it looked so real, but I
+unfortunately made the remark that there was something about the expression
+of the face that was not quite pleasing.&nbsp; It looked pinched.&nbsp;
+Mr. Finsworth sorrowfully replied: &ldquo;Yes, the face was done after
+death&mdash;my wife&rsquo;s sister.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper
+said I hoped I had not hurt his feelings.&nbsp; We both stood looking
+at the picture for a few minutes in silence, when Mr. Finsworth took
+out a handkerchief and said: &ldquo;She was sitting in our garden last
+summer,&rdquo; and blew his nose violently.&nbsp; He seemed quite affected,
+so I turned to look at something else and stood in front of a portrait
+of a jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face and straw
+hat.&nbsp; I said to Mr. Finsworth: &ldquo;Who is this jovial-looking
+gentleman?&nbsp; Life doesn&rsquo;t seem to trouble him much.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Mr. Finsworth said: &ldquo;No, it doesn&rsquo;t.&nbsp; <i>He is dead
+too</i>&mdash;my brother.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness.&nbsp; Fortunately
+at this moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken her
+upstairs to take off her bonnet and brush her skirt.&nbsp; Teddy said:
+&ldquo;Short is late,&rdquo; but at that moment the gentleman referred
+to arrived, and I was introduced to him by Teddy, who said: &ldquo;Do
+you know Mr. Short?&rdquo;&nbsp; I replied, smiling, that I had not
+that pleasure, but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr. <i>Short</i>.&nbsp;
+He evidently did not see my little joke, although I repeated it twice
+with a little laugh.&nbsp; I suddenly remembered it was Sunday, and
+Mr. Short was perhaps <i>very particular</i>.&nbsp; In this I was mistaken,
+for he was not at all particular in several of his remarks after dinner.&nbsp;
+In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations that I took the
+opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I feared she found Mr. Short
+occasionally a little embarrassing.&nbsp; To my surprise she said: &ldquo;Oh!
+he is privileged you know.&rdquo;&nbsp; I did not know as a matter of
+fact, and so I bowed apologetically.&nbsp; I fail to see why Mr. Short
+should be privileged.</p>
+<p>Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog,
+which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining-room
+table.&nbsp; It kept growling and snapping at my boots every time I
+moved my foot.&nbsp; Feeling nervous rather, I spoke to Mrs. Finsworth
+about the animal, and she remarked: &ldquo;It is only his play.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+She jumped up and let in a frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs,
+which had been scratching at the door.&nbsp; This dog also seemed to
+take a fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it had licked
+off every bit of blacking from them.&nbsp; I was positively ashamed
+of being seen in them.&nbsp; Mrs. Finsworth, who, I must say, is not
+much of a Job&rsquo;s comforter, said: &ldquo;Oh! we are used to Bibbs
+doing that to our visitors.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether
+it is a good thing to take on the top of beer.&nbsp; It made me feel
+a little sleepy, while it had the effect of inducing Mr. Short to become
+&ldquo;privileged&rdquo; to rather an alarming extent.&nbsp; It being
+cold even for April, there was a fire in the drawing-room; we sat round
+in easy-chairs, and Teddy and I waxed rather eloquent over the old school
+days, which had the effect of sending all the others to sleep.&nbsp;
+I was delighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned, that it did have
+that effect on him.</p>
+<p>We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for the
+fact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my boots.&nbsp;
+Polished them myself when I got home.&nbsp; Went to church in the evening,
+and could scarcely keep awake.&nbsp; I will not take port on the top
+of beer again.</p>
+<p>April 29.&mdash;I am getting quite accustomed to being snubbed by
+Lupin, and I do not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she
+has a certain amount of right to do so; but I do think it hard to be
+at once snubbed by wife, son, and both my guests.</p>
+<p>Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I suddenly
+remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago, and I thought
+I would tell them about it.&nbsp; I dreamt I saw some huge blocks of
+ice in a shop with a bright glare behind them.&nbsp; I walked into the
+shop and the heat was overpowering.&nbsp; I found that the blocks of
+ice were on fire.&nbsp; The whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural
+I woke up in a cold perspiration.&nbsp; Lupin in a most contemptuous
+manner, said: &ldquo;What utter rot.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completely
+uninteresting as other people&rsquo;s dreams.</p>
+<p>I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with the
+others and my dream was especially nonsensical.&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;It
+seemed so real to me.&rdquo;&nbsp; Gowing replied: &ldquo;Yes, to <i>you</i>
+perhaps, but not to <i>us</i>.&rdquo;&nbsp; Whereupon they all roared.</p>
+<p>Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: &ldquo;He tells me his
+stupid dreams every morning nearly.&rdquo;&nbsp; I replied: &ldquo;Very
+well, dear, I promise you I will never tell you or anybody else another
+dream of mine the longest day I live.&rdquo;&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;Hear!
+hear!&rdquo; and helped himself to another glass of beer.&nbsp; The
+subject was fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting
+article on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XX</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Dinner at Franching&rsquo;s to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>May 10.&mdash;Received a letter from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking
+us to dine with him to-night, at seven o&rsquo;clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur
+Huttle, a very clever writer for the American papers.&nbsp; Franching
+apologised for the short notice; but said he had at the last moment
+been disappointed of two of his guests and regarded us as old friends
+who would not mind filling up the gap.&nbsp; Carrie rather demurred
+at the invitation; but I explained to her that Franching was very well
+off and influential, and we could not afford to offend him.&nbsp; &ldquo;And
+we are sure to get a good dinner and a good glass of champagne.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Which never agrees with you!&rdquo; Carrie replied, sharply.&nbsp;
+I regarded Carrie&rsquo;s observation as unsaid.&nbsp; Mr. Franching
+asked us to wire a reply.&nbsp; As he had said nothing about dress in
+the letter, I wired back: &ldquo;With pleasure.&nbsp; Is it full dress?&rdquo;
+and by leaving out our name, just got the message within the sixpence.</p>
+<p>Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a telegram
+instructing us to do.&nbsp; I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching&rsquo;s
+house; but she would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her.&nbsp;
+What a long journey it is from Holloway to Peckham!&nbsp; Why do people
+live such a long way off?&nbsp; Having to change &rsquo;buses, I allowed
+plenty of time&mdash;in fact, too much; for we arrived at twenty minutes
+to seven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up
+to dress.&nbsp; However, he was down as the clock struck seven; he must
+have dressed very quickly.</p>
+<p>I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did
+not know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells.&nbsp;
+Franching had got a professional waiter, and evidently spared no expense.&nbsp;
+There were flowers on the table round some fairy-lamps and the effect,
+I must say, was exquisite.&nbsp; The wine was good and there was plenty
+of champagne, concerning which Franching said he himself, never wished
+to taste better.&nbsp; We were ten in number, and a <i>men&ucirc;</i>
+card to each.&nbsp; One lady said she always preserved the <i>men&ucirc;</i>
+and got the guests to write their names on the back.</p>
+<p>We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was of
+course the important guest.</p>
+<p>The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur Huttle,
+Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. Purdick, Mr.
+Pratt, Mr. R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pooter.&nbsp;
+Franching said he was sorry he had no lady for me to take in to dinner.&nbsp;
+I replied that I preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a very
+uncomplimentary observation to make.</p>
+<p>I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner.&nbsp; She seemed a well-informed
+lady, but was very deaf.&nbsp; It did not much matter, for Mr. Hardfur
+Huttle did all the talking.&nbsp; He is a marvellously intellectual
+man and says things which from other people would seem quite alarming.&nbsp;
+How I wish I could remember even a quarter of his brilliant conversation.&nbsp;
+I made a few little reminding notes on the <i>men&ucirc;</i> card.</p>
+<p>One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful&mdash;though
+not to my way of thinking of course.&nbsp; Mrs. Purdick happened to
+say &ldquo;You are certainly unorthodox, Mr. Huttle.&rdquo;&nbsp; Mr.
+Huttle, with a peculiar expression (I can see it now) said in a slow
+rich voice: &ldquo;Mrs. Purdick, &lsquo;orthodox&rsquo; is a grandiloquent
+word implying sticking-in-the-mud.&nbsp; If Columbus and Stephenson
+had been orthodox, there would neither have been the discovery of America
+nor the steam-engine.&rdquo;&nbsp; There was quite a silence.&nbsp;
+It appeared to me that such teaching was absolutely dangerous, and yet
+I felt&mdash;in fact we must all have felt&mdash;there was no answer
+to the argument.&nbsp; A little later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching&rsquo;s
+sister and also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttle
+said: &ldquo;Why, ladies, do you deprive us of your company so soon?&nbsp;
+Why not wait while we have our cigars?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The effect was electrical.&nbsp; The ladies (including Carrie) were
+in no way inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle&rsquo;s fascinating
+society, and immediately resumed their seats, amid much laughter and
+a little chaff.&nbsp; Mr. Huttle said: &ldquo;Well, that&rsquo;s a real
+good sign; you shall not be insulted by being called orthodox any longer.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Mrs. Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said:
+&ldquo;Mr. Huttle, we will meet you half-way&mdash;that is, till you
+get half-way through your cigar.&nbsp; That, at all events, will be
+the happy medium.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I shall never forget the effect the words, &ldquo;happy medium,&rdquo;
+had upon him.&nbsp; He was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation
+of the words.&nbsp; He positively alarmed me.&nbsp; He said something
+like the following: &ldquo;Happy medium, indeed.&nbsp; Do you know &lsquo;happy
+medium&rsquo; are two words which mean &lsquo;miserable mediocrity&rsquo;?&nbsp;
+I say, go first class or third; marry a duchess or her kitchenmaid.&nbsp;
+The happy medium means respectability, and respectability means insipidness.&nbsp;
+Does it not, Mr. Pooter?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I could
+only bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not competent to offer
+an opinion.&nbsp; Carrie was about to say something; but she was interrupted,
+for which I was rather pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and
+one has to be extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr.
+Huttle.</p>
+<p>He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcome opinions
+positively convincing: &ldquo;The happy medium is nothing more or less
+than a vulgar half-measure.&nbsp; A man who loves champagne and, finding
+a pint too little, fears to face a whole bottle and has recourse to
+an imperial pint, will never build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower.&nbsp;
+No, he is half-hearted, he is a half-measure&mdash;respectable&mdash;in
+fact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of his days in a suburban
+villa with a stucco-column portico, resembling a four-post bedstead.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We all laughed.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That sort of thing,&rdquo; continued Mr. Huttle, &ldquo;belongs
+to a soft man, with a soft beard with a soft head, with a made tie that
+hooks on.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking in
+the glass of the cheffoni&egrave;re; for <i>I</i> had on a tie that
+hooked on&mdash;and why not?&nbsp; If these remarks were not personal
+they were rather careless, and so were some of his subsequent observations,
+which must have made both Mr. Franching and his guests rather uncomfortable.&nbsp;
+I don&rsquo;t think Mr. Huttle meant to be personal, for he added; &ldquo;We
+don&rsquo;t know that class here in this country: but we do in America,
+and I&rsquo;ve no use for them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passed
+round the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but continued as if
+he were giving a lecture:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What we want in America is your homes.&nbsp; We live on wheels.&nbsp;
+Your simple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, are charming.&nbsp;
+No display, no pretension!&nbsp; You make no difference in your dinner,
+I dare say, when you sit down by yourself and when you invite us.&nbsp;
+You have your own personal attendant&mdash;no hired waiter to breathe
+on the back of your head.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I saw Franching palpably wince at this.</p>
+<p>Mr. Huttle continued: &ldquo;Just a small dinner with a few good
+things, such as you have this evening.&nbsp;  You don&rsquo;t insult
+your guests by sending to the grocer for champagne at six shillings
+a bottle.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I could not help thinking of &ldquo;Jackson Fr&egrave;res&rdquo;
+at three-and-six!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;In fact,&rdquo; said Mr. Huttle, &ldquo;a man is little less
+than a murderer who does.&nbsp; That is the province of the milksop,
+who wastes his evening at home playing dominoes with his wife.&nbsp;
+I&rsquo;ve heard of these people.&nbsp; We don&rsquo;t want them at
+this table.&nbsp; Our party is well selected.&nbsp; We&rsquo;ve no use
+for deaf old women, who cannot follow intellectual conversation.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being deaf,
+did not hear his remarks; but continued smiling approval.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We have no representative at Mr. Franching&rsquo;s table,&rdquo;
+said Mr. Huttle, &ldquo;of the unenlightened frivolous matron, who goes
+to a second class dance at Bayswater and fancies she is in Society.&nbsp;
+Society does not know her; it has no use for her.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was afforded for
+the ladies to rise.&nbsp; I asked Mr. Franching quietly to excuse me,
+as I did not wish to miss the last train, which we very nearly did,
+by-the-by, through Carrie having mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap
+which she wears when we go out.</p>
+<p>It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering the
+sitting-room I said: &ldquo;Carrie, what do you think of Mr. Hardfur
+Huttle?&rdquo;&nbsp; She simply answered: &ldquo;How like Lupin!&rdquo;&nbsp;
+The same idea occurred to me in the train.&nbsp; The comparison kept
+me awake half the night.&nbsp; Mr. Huttle was, of course, an older and
+more influential man; but he <i>was</i> like Lupin, and it made me think
+how dangerous Lupin would be if he were older and more influential.&nbsp;
+I feel proud to think Lupin <i>does</i> resemble Mr. Huttle in some
+ways.&nbsp; Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes wonderful
+ideas; but it is those ideas that are so dangerous.&nbsp; They make
+men extremely rich or extremely poor.&nbsp; They make or break men.&nbsp;
+I always feel people are happier who live a simple unsophisticated life.&nbsp;
+I believe <i>I</i> am happy because I am not ambitious.&nbsp; Somehow
+I feel that Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp, has become content
+to settle down and follow the footsteps of his father.&nbsp; This is
+a comfort.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXI</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Lupin is discharged.&nbsp; We are in great trouble.&nbsp; Lupin gets
+engaged elsewhere at a handsome salary.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>May 13.&mdash;A terrible misfortune has happened: Lupin is discharged
+from Mr. Perkupp&rsquo;s office; and I scarcely know how I am writing
+my diary.&nbsp; I was away from office last Sat., the first time I have
+been absent through illness for twenty years.&nbsp; I believe I was
+poisoned by some lobster.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp was also absent, as Fate
+would have it; and our most valued customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went to
+the office in a rage, and withdrew his custom.&nbsp; My boy Lupin not
+only had the assurance to receive him, but recommended him the firm
+of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited.&nbsp; In my own humble judgment,
+and though I have to say it against my own son, this seems an act of
+treachery.</p>
+<p>This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me that Lupin&rsquo;s
+services are no longer required, and an interview with me is desired
+at eleven o&rsquo;clock.&nbsp; I went down to the office with an aching
+heart, dreading an interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never
+had a word.&nbsp; I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning.&nbsp; He had
+not got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie said I should
+do no good by disturbing him.&nbsp; My mind wandered so at the office
+that I could not do my work properly.</p>
+<p>As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the following conversation
+ensued as nearly as I can remember it.</p>
+<p>Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Good-morning, Mr. Pooter!&nbsp; This is
+a very serious business.&nbsp; I am not referring so much to the dismissal
+of your son, for I knew we should have to part sooner or later.&nbsp;
+<i>I</i> am the head of this old, influential, and much-respected firm;
+and when <i>I</i> consider the time has come to revolutionise the business,
+<i>I</i> will do it myself.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: &ldquo;I
+hope, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way countenanced my
+son&rsquo;s unwarrantable interference?&rdquo;&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp rose
+from his seat and took my hand, and said: &ldquo;Mr. Pooter, I would
+as soon suspect myself as suspect you.&rdquo;&nbsp; I was so agitated
+that in the confusion, to show my gratitude I very nearly called him
+a &ldquo;grand old man.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a &ldquo;grand
+old master.&rdquo;&nbsp; I was so unaccountable for my actions that
+I sat down, leaving him standing.&nbsp; Of course, I at once rose, but
+Mr. Perkupp bade me sit down, which I was very pleased to do.&nbsp;
+Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said: &ldquo;You will understand, Mr. Pooter,
+that the high-standing nature of our firm will not admit of our bending
+to anybody.&nbsp; If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to put his work into other
+hands&mdash;I may add, less experienced hands&mdash;it is not for us
+to bend and beg back his custom.&rdquo;&nbsp; &ldquo;You <i>shall</i>
+not do it, sir,&rdquo; I said with indignation.&nbsp; &ldquo;Exactly,&rdquo;
+replied Mr. Perkupp; &ldquo;I shall <i>not</i> do it.&nbsp; But I was
+thinking this, Mr. Pooter.&nbsp; Mr. Crowbillon is our most valued client,
+and I will even confess&mdash;for I know this will not go beyond ourselves&mdash;that
+we cannot afford very well to lose him, especially in these times, which
+are not of the brightest.&nbsp; Now, I fancy you can be of service.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I replied: &ldquo;Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve
+you!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;I know you will.&nbsp; Now, what I should
+like you to do is this.&nbsp; You yourself might write to Mr. Crowbillon&mdash;you
+must not, of course, lead him to suppose I know anything about your
+doing so&mdash;and explain to him that your son was only taken on as
+a clerk&mdash;quite an inexperienced one in fact&mdash;out of the respect
+the firm had for you, Mr. Pooter.&nbsp; This is, of course, a fact.&nbsp;
+I don&rsquo;t suggest that you should speak in too strong terms of your
+own son&rsquo;s conduct; but I may add, that had he been a son of mine,
+I should have condemned his interference with no measured terms.&nbsp;
+That I leave to you.&nbsp; I think the result will be that Mr. Crowbillon
+will see the force of the foolish step he has taken, and our firm will
+neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp is.&nbsp;
+His manners and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with respect.</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Would you like to see the letter before I send it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Oh no!&nbsp; I had better not.&nbsp; I am
+supposed to know nothing about it, and I have every confidence in you.&nbsp;
+You must write the letter carefully.&nbsp; We are not very busy; you
+had better take the morning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like.&nbsp;
+I shall be here myself all day to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case
+Mr. Crowbillon should call.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that
+I could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact anybody, if they
+called in the evening.&nbsp; Lupin came into the parlour for a moment
+with a new hat on, and asked my opinion of it.&nbsp; I said I was not
+in the mood to judge of hats, and I did not think he was in a position
+to buy a new one.&nbsp; Lupin replied carelessly: &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t
+buy it; it was a present.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like
+to ask him questions, as I dread the answers so.&nbsp; He, however,
+saved me the trouble.</p>
+<p>He said: &ldquo;I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite
+think a friend at the time; but it&rsquo;s all right.&nbsp; As he wisely
+said, &lsquo;all is fair in love and war,&rsquo; and there was no reason
+why we should not be friends still.&nbsp; He&rsquo;s a jolly, good,
+all-round sort of fellow, and a very different stamp from that inflated
+fool of a Perkupp.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Hush, Lupin!&nbsp; Do not pray add insult to injury.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;What do you mean by injury?&nbsp; I repeat, I
+have done no injury.&nbsp; Crowbillon is simply tired of a stagnant
+stick-in-the-mud firm, and made the change on his own account.&nbsp;
+I simply recommended the new firm as a matter of biz&mdash;good old
+biz!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said quietly: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t understand your slang, and at
+my time of life have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my boy, let us
+change the subject.&nbsp; I will, if it please you, <i>try</i> and be
+interested in your new hat adventure.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Oh! there&rsquo;s nothing much about it, except
+I have not once seen him since his marriage, and he said he was very
+pleased to see me, and hoped we should be friends.&nbsp; I stood a drink
+to cement the friendship, and he stood me a new hat&mdash;one of his
+own.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said rather wearily: &ldquo;But you have not told me your old friend&rsquo;s
+name?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin said, with affected carelessness: &ldquo;Oh didn&rsquo;t I?&nbsp;
+Well, I will.&nbsp; It was <i>Murray Posh</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>May 14.&mdash;Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all the
+morning, asked the reason of it.&nbsp; Carrie and I both agreed it was
+better to say nothing to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded
+the question.</p>
+<p>Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh in
+the City.&nbsp; I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with a berth.&nbsp;
+Lupin went out laughing, saying: &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t mind <i>wearing</i>
+Posh&rsquo;s one-priced hats, but I am not going to <i>sell</i> them.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Poor boy, I fear he is perfectly hopeless.</p>
+<p>It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. Crowbillon.&nbsp;
+Once or twice I asked Carrie for suggestions; and although it seems
+ungrateful, her suggestions were none of them to the point, while one
+or two were absolutely idiotic.&nbsp; Of course I did not tell her so.&nbsp;
+I got the letter off, and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp
+to see, but he again repeated that he could trust me.</p>
+<p>Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him about
+Lupin and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined to
+side with Lupin.&nbsp; Carrie joined in, and said she thought I was
+taking much too melancholy a view of it.&nbsp; Gowing produced a pint
+sample-bottle of Madeira, which had been given him, which he said would
+get rid of the blues.&nbsp; I dare say it would have done so if there
+had been more of it; but as Gowing helped himself to three glasses,
+it did not leave much for Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with.</p>
+<p>May 15.&mdash;A day of great anxiety, for I expected every moment
+a letter from Mr. Crowbillon.&nbsp; Two letters came in the evening&mdash;one
+for me, with &ldquo;Crowbillon Hall&rdquo; printed in large gold-and-red
+letters on the back of the envelope; the other for Lupin, which I felt
+inclined to open and read, as it had &ldquo;Gylterson, Sons, and Co.
+Limited,&rdquo; which was the recommended firm.&nbsp; I trembled as
+I opened Mr. Crowbillon&rsquo;s letter.&nbsp; I wrote him sixteen pages,
+closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen lines.</p>
+<p>His letter was: &ldquo;Sir,&mdash;I totally disagree with you.&nbsp;
+Your son, in the course of five minutes&rsquo; conversation, displayed
+more intelligence than your firm has done during the last five years.&mdash;Yours
+faithfully, Gilbert E. Gillam O. Crowbillon.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>What am I to do?&nbsp; Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr.
+Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin for anything.&nbsp; The crisis
+had yet to come; for Lupin arrived, and, opening his letter, showed
+a cheque for &pound;25 as a commission for the recommendation of Mr.
+Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. Perkupp is evidently lost for ever.&nbsp;
+Cummings and Gowing both called, and both took Lupin&rsquo;s part.&nbsp;
+Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would make a name yet.&nbsp;
+I suppose I was melancholy, for I could only ask: &ldquo;Yes, but what
+sort of a name?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>May 16.&mdash;I told Mr. Perkupp the contents of the letter in a
+modified form, but Mr. Perkupp said: &ldquo;Pray don&rsquo;t discuss
+the matter; it is at an end.&nbsp; Your son will bring his punishment
+upon himself.&rdquo;&nbsp; I went home in the evening, thinking of the
+hopeless future of Lupin.&nbsp; I found him in most extravagant spirits
+and in evening dress.&nbsp; He threw a letter on the table for me to
+read.</p>
+<p>To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely engaged
+Lupin at a salary of &pound;200 a year, with other advantages.&nbsp;
+I read the letter through three times and thought it must have been
+for me.&nbsp; But there it was&mdash;Lupin Pooter&mdash;plain enough.&nbsp;
+I was silent.&nbsp; Lupin said: &ldquo;What price Perkupp now?&nbsp;
+You take my tip, Guv.&mdash;&lsquo;off&rsquo; with Perkupp and freeze
+on to Gylterson, the firm of the future!&nbsp; Perkupp&rsquo;s firm?&nbsp;
+The stagnant dummies have been standing still for years, and now are
+moving back.&nbsp; I want to go on.&nbsp; In fact I must go <i>off</i>,
+as I am dining with the Murray Poshs to-night.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his stick, gave
+a loud war &ldquo;Whoo-oop,&rdquo; jumped over a chair, and took the
+liberty of rumpling my hair all over my forehead, and bounced out of
+the room, giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and the respect
+which was due to his parent.&nbsp; Gowing and Cummings came in the evening,
+and positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting Lupin.</p>
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;I always said he would get on, and, take my word,
+he has more in his head than we three put together.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Carrie said: &ldquo;He is a second Hardfur Huttle.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXII</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Master Percy Edgar Smith James.&nbsp; Mrs. James (of Sutton) visits
+us again and introduces &ldquo;Spiritual S&eacute;ances.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>May 26, Sunday.&mdash;We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea
+with Mr. and Mrs. James.&nbsp; I had no appetite, having dined well
+at two, and the entire evening was spoiled by little Percy&mdash;their
+only son&mdash;who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child.</p>
+<p>Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my shins.&nbsp;
+He hurt me once so much that the tears came into my eyes.&nbsp; I gently
+remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said: &ldquo;Please don&rsquo;t
+scold him; I do not believe in being too severe with young children.&nbsp;
+You spoil their character.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried
+to pacify him, he slapped her face.</p>
+<p>I was so annoyed, I said: &ldquo;That is not my idea of bringing
+up children, Mrs. James.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mrs. James said.&nbsp; &ldquo;People have different ideas of bringing
+up children&mdash;even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his lap.&nbsp;
+The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. Mezzini, saying:
+&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t like you&mdash;you&rsquo;ve got a dirty face.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by the wrist
+and said: &ldquo;Come here, dear, and listen to this.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch strike
+six.</p>
+<p>To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it
+down upon the ground like one would a ball.</p>
+<p>Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get
+a new glass put in, and did not suppose the works were damaged.</p>
+<p>To show you how people&rsquo;s opinions differ, Carrie said the child
+was bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it
+was&mdash;in her mind&mdash;an unquestionably beautiful child.</p>
+<p>I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier child
+myself.&nbsp; That is <i>my</i> opinion.</p>
+<p>May 30.&mdash;I don&rsquo;t know why it is, but I never anticipate
+with any pleasure the visits to our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton.&nbsp;
+She is coming again to stay for a few days.&nbsp; I said to Carrie this
+morning, as I was leaving: &ldquo;I wish, dear Carrie, I could like
+Mrs. James better than I do.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Carrie said: &ldquo;So do I, dear; but as for years I have had to
+put up with Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who is kind
+but most uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won&rsquo;t mind the occasional
+visits of Mrs. James, who has more intellect in her little finger than
+both your friends have in their entire bodies.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear old
+friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the &rsquo;bus coming,
+I left with a hurried kiss&mdash;a little too hurried, perhaps, for
+my upper lip came in contact with Carrie&rsquo;s teeth and slightly
+cut it.&nbsp; It was quite painful for an hour afterwards.&nbsp; When
+I came home in the evening I found Carrie buried in a book on Spiritualism,
+called <i>There is no Birth</i>, by Florence Singleyet.&nbsp; I need
+scarcely say the book was sent her to read by Mrs. James, of Sutton.&nbsp;
+As she had not a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of the
+evening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning to show signs
+of wear at the edges.</p>
+<p>Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the entire
+management of everything.&nbsp; Finding that she and Carrie were making
+some preparations for table-turning, I thought it time really to put
+my foot down.&nbsp; I have always had the greatest contempt for such
+nonsense, and put an end to it years ago when Carrie, at our old house,
+used to have s&eacute;ances every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who
+is now dead).&nbsp; If I could see any use in it, I would not care.&nbsp;
+As I stopped it in the days gone by, I determined to do so now.</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally disapprove
+of it, apart from the fact that I receive my old friends on this evening.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mrs. James said: &ldquo;Do you mean to say you haven&rsquo;t read
+<i>There is no Birth</i>?&rdquo;&nbsp; I said: &ldquo;No, and I have
+no intention of doing so.&rdquo;&nbsp; Mrs. James seemed surprised and
+said: &ldquo;All the world is going mad over the book.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I responded rather cleverly: &ldquo;Let it.&nbsp; There will be one
+sane man in it, at all events.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people were
+all as prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the electric
+telegraph or the telephone.</p>
+<p>I said that was quite a different thing.</p>
+<p>Mrs. James said sharply: &ldquo;In what way, pray&mdash;in what way?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;In many ways.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mrs. James said: &ldquo;Well, mention <i>one</i> way.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I replied quietly: &ldquo;Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to discuss
+the matter.&nbsp; I am not interested in it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, for
+which I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this foolish
+table-turning.&nbsp; But I was entirely mistaken; for, on the subject
+being opened again, Cummings said he was most interested in Spiritualism,
+although he was bound to confess he did not believe much in it; still,
+he was willing to be convinced.</p>
+<p>I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my
+presence was ignored.&nbsp; I left the three sitting in the parlour
+at a small round table which they had taken out of the drawing-room.&nbsp;
+I walked into the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little
+stroll.&nbsp; As I opened the door, who should come in but Gowing!</p>
+<p>On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join the
+circle and he would go into a trance.&nbsp; He added that he <i>knew</i>
+a few things about old Cummings, and would <i>invent</i> a few about
+Mrs. James.&nbsp; Knowing how dangerous Gowing is, I declined to let
+him take part in any such foolish performance.&nbsp; Sarah asked me
+if she could go out for half an hour, and I gave her permission, thinking
+it would be more comfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than
+in the cold drawing-room.&nbsp; We talked a good deal about Lupin and
+Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, with whom he is as usual spending the evening.&nbsp;
+Gowing said: &ldquo;I say, it wouldn&rsquo;t be a bad thing for Lupin
+if old Posh kicked the bucket.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very sternly
+for joking on such a subject.&nbsp; I lay awake half the night thinking
+of it&mdash;the other hall was spent in nightmares on the same subject.</p>
+<p>May 31.&mdash;I wrote a stern letter to the laundress.&nbsp; I was
+rather pleased with the letter, for I thought it very satirical.&nbsp;
+I said: &ldquo;You have returned the handkerchiefs without the colour.&nbsp;
+Perhaps you will return either the colour or the value of the handkerchiefs.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I shall be rather curious to know what she will have to say.</p>
+<p>More table-turning in the evening.&nbsp; Carrie said last night was
+in a measure successful, and they ought to sit again.&nbsp; Cummings
+came in, and seemed interested.&nbsp; I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room,
+got the steps, and repaired the cornice, which has been a bit of an
+eyesore to me.&nbsp; In a fit of unthinkingness&mdash;if I may use such
+an expression,&mdash;I gave the floor over the parlour, where the s&eacute;ance
+was taking place, two loud raps with the hammer.&nbsp; I felt sorry
+afterwards, for it was the sort of ridiculous, foolhardy thing that
+Gowing or Lupin would have done.</p>
+<p>However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that
+a message came through the table to her of a wonderful description,
+concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quite
+unknown to the others.</p>
+<p>When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit to-morrow
+night, to oblige her.&nbsp; She said it seemed rather unkind and unsociable
+on my part.&nbsp; I promised I would sit once.</p>
+<p>June 1.&mdash;I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and
+I am bound to admit some curious things happened.&nbsp; I contend they
+were coincidences, but they were curious.&nbsp; For instance, the table
+kept tilting towards me, which Carrie construed as a desire that I should
+ask the spirit a question.&nbsp; I obeyed the rules, and I asked the
+spirit (who said her name was Lina) if she could tell me the name of
+an old aunt of whom I was thinking, and whom we used to call Aunt Maggie.&nbsp;
+The table spelled out C A T.&nbsp; We could make nothing out of it,
+till I suddenly remembered that her second name was Catherine, which
+it was evidently trying to spell.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t think even Carrie
+knew this.&nbsp; But if she did, she would never cheat.&nbsp; I must
+admit it was curious.&nbsp; Several other things happened, and I consented
+to sit at another s&eacute;ance on Monday.</p>
+<p>June 3.&mdash;The laundress called, and said she was very sorry about
+the handkerchiefs, and returned ninepence.&nbsp; I said, as the colour
+was completely washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence
+was not enough.&nbsp; Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs originally
+only cost sixpence, for she remembered bring them at a sale at the Holloway
+<i>Bon March&eacute;</i>.&nbsp; In that case, I insisted that threepence
+buying should be returned to the laundress.&nbsp; Lupin has gone to
+stay with the Poshs for a few days.&nbsp; I must say I feel very uncomfortable
+about it.&nbsp; Carrie said I was ridiculous to worry about it.&nbsp;
+Mr. Posh was very fond of Lupin, who, after all, was only a mere boy.</p>
+<p>In the evening we had another s&eacute;ance, which, in some respects,
+was very remarkable, although the first part of it was a little doubtful.&nbsp;
+Gowing called, as well as Cummings, and begged to be allowed to join
+the circle.&nbsp; I wanted to object, but Mrs. James, who appears a
+good Medium (that is, if there is anything in it at all), thought there
+might be a little more spirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of
+us sat down.</p>
+<p>The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get my
+hands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began moving
+quickly across the room.&nbsp; Gowing shouted out: &ldquo;Way oh! steady,
+lad, steady!&rdquo;&nbsp; I told Gowing if he could not behave himself
+I should light the gas, and put an end to the s&eacute;ance.</p>
+<p>To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I hinted
+as much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table go right off
+the ground.&nbsp; The spirit Lina came again, and said, &ldquo;WARN&rdquo;
+three or four times, and declined to explain.&nbsp; Mrs. James said
+&ldquo;Lina&rdquo; was stubborn sometimes.&nbsp; She often behaved like
+that, and the best thing to do was to send her away.</p>
+<p>She then hit the table sharply, and said: &ldquo;Go away, Lina; you
+are disagreeable.&nbsp; Go away!&rdquo;&nbsp; I should think we sat
+nearly three-quarters of an hour with nothing happening.&nbsp; My hands
+felt quite cold, and I suggested we should stop the s&eacute;ance.&nbsp;
+Carrie and Mrs. James, as well as Cummings, would not agree to it.&nbsp;
+In about ten minutes&rsquo; time there was some tilting towards me.&nbsp;
+I gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O F.&nbsp; As I have heard
+both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could hear Gowing silently
+laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the table.&nbsp; He denied
+it; but, I regret to say, I did not believe him.</p>
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;Perhaps it means &lsquo;Spook,&rsquo; a ghost.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;<i>You</i> know it doesn&rsquo;t mean anything of
+the sort.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;Oh! very well&mdash;I&rsquo;m sorry I &lsquo;spook,&rsquo;&rdquo;
+and he rose from the table.</p>
+<p>No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James suggested
+he should sit out for a while.&nbsp; Gowing consented and sat in the
+arm-chair.</p>
+<p>The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderful
+s&eacute;ance but for Gowing&rsquo;s stupid interruptions.&nbsp; In
+answer to the alphabet from Carrie the table spelt &ldquo;NIPUL,&rdquo;
+then the &ldquo;WARN&rdquo; three times.&nbsp; We could not think what
+it meant till Cummings pointed out that &ldquo;NIPUL&rdquo; was Lupin
+spelled backwards.&nbsp; This was quite exciting.&nbsp; Carrie was particularly
+excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible was going to happen.</p>
+<p>Mrs. James asked if &ldquo;Lina&rdquo; was the spirit.&nbsp; The
+table replied firmly, &ldquo;No,&rdquo; and the spirit would not give
+his or her name.&nbsp; We then had the message, &ldquo;NIPUL will be
+very rich.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word &ldquo;WARN&rdquo;
+was again spelt out.&nbsp; The table then began to oscillate violently,
+and in reply to Mrs. James, who spoke very softly to the table, the
+spirit began to spell its name.&nbsp; It first spelled &ldquo;DRINK.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Gowing here said: &ldquo;Ah! that&rsquo;s more in my line.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed.</p>
+<p>The table then spelt &ldquo;WATER.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Gowing here interrupted again, and said: &ldquo;Ah! that&rsquo;s
+<i>not</i> in my line.&nbsp; <i>Outside</i> if you like, but not inside.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.</p>
+<p>The table then spelt &ldquo;CAPTAIN,&rdquo; and Mrs. James startled
+us by crying out, &ldquo;Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my
+father&rsquo;s, who has been dead some years.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that after
+all there must be something in Spiritualism.</p>
+<p>Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word
+&ldquo;Warn&rdquo; as applied to &ldquo;NIPUL.&rdquo;&nbsp; The alphabet
+was given again, and we got the word &ldquo;BOSH.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Gowing here muttered: &ldquo;So it is.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as Captain
+Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the word
+in answer to a lady&rsquo;s question.&nbsp; Accordingly the alphabet
+was given again.</p>
+<p>This time the table spelled distinctly &ldquo;POSH.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+We all thought of Mrs. Murray Posh and Lupin.&nbsp; Carrie was getting
+a little distressed, and as it was getting late we broke up the circle.</p>
+<p>We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. James&rsquo;
+last night in town.&nbsp; We also determined <i>not</i> to have Gowing
+present.</p>
+<p>Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but
+he wished the spirits would say something about him.</p>
+<p>June 4.&mdash;Quite looking forward to the s&eacute;ance this evening.&nbsp;
+Was thinking of it all the day at the office.</p>
+<p>Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing entering
+without knocking.</p>
+<p>He said: &ldquo;I am not going to stop, but I have brought with me
+a sealed envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. Pooter.&nbsp;
+In that sealed envelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a
+simple question.&nbsp; If the spirits can answer that question, I will
+believe in Spiritualism.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.</p>
+<p>Mrs. James said: &ldquo;Oh no! it is of common occurrence for the
+spirits to answer questions under such conditions&mdash;and even for
+them to write on locked slates.&nbsp; It is quite worth trying.&nbsp;
+If &lsquo;Lina&rsquo; is in a good temper, she is certain to do it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Gowing said: &ldquo;All right; then I shall be a firm believer.&nbsp;
+I shall perhaps drop in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He then left and we sat a long time.&nbsp; Cummings wanted to know
+something about some undertaking in which he was concerned, but he could
+get no answer of any description whatever&mdash;at which he said he
+was very disappointed and was afraid there was not much in table-turning
+after all.&nbsp; I thought this rather selfish of him.&nbsp; The s&eacute;ance
+was very similar to the one last night, almost the same in fact.&nbsp;
+So we turned to the letter.&nbsp; &ldquo;Lina&rdquo; took a long time
+answering the question, but eventually spelt out &ldquo;ROSES, LILIES,
+AND COWS.&rdquo;&nbsp; There was great rocking of the table at this
+time, and Mrs. James said: &ldquo;If that is Captain Drinkwater, let
+us ask him the answer as well?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave the
+same identical answer: &ldquo;ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal,
+or the disappointment we felt on reading the question, to which the
+answer was so inappropriate.&nbsp; The question was, &ldquo;<i>What&rsquo;s
+old Pooter&rsquo;s age</i>?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This quite decided me.</p>
+<p>As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I would again.</p>
+<p>I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm when
+driven to it.</p>
+<p>I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: &ldquo;This is the last of
+this nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof.&nbsp; I regret
+I permitted myself to be a party to such tomfoolery.&nbsp; If there
+is anything in it&mdash;which I doubt&mdash;it is nothing of any good,
+and I <i>won&rsquo;t have it again</i>.&nbsp; That is enough.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mrs. James said: &ldquo;I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather over-stepping&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;Hush, madam.&nbsp; I am master of this house&mdash;please
+understand that.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was mistaken
+in.&nbsp; I was in such a rage I could not quite catch what she said.&nbsp;
+But if I thought she said what it sounded like, she should never enter
+the house again.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER XXIII</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Lupin leaves us.&nbsp; We dine at his new apartments, and hear some
+extraordinary information respecting the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh.&nbsp;
+Meet Miss Lilian Posh.&nbsp; Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle.&nbsp;
+Important.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>July 1.&mdash;I find, on looking over my diary, nothing of any consequence
+has taken place during the last month.&nbsp; To-day we lose Lupin, who
+has taken furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. and
+Mrs. Murray Posh, at two guineas a week.&nbsp; I think this is most
+extravagant of him, as it is half his salary.&nbsp; Lupin says one never
+loses by a good address, and, to use his own expression, Brickfield
+Terrace is a bit &ldquo;off.&rdquo;&nbsp; Whether he means it is &ldquo;far
+off&rdquo; I do not know.&nbsp; I have long since given up trying to
+understand his curious expressions.&nbsp; I said the neighbourhood had
+always been good enough for his parents.&nbsp; His reply was: &ldquo;It
+is no question of being good or bad.&nbsp; There is no money in it,
+and I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by himself,
+and there may be some truth in his remark that an old and a young horse
+can&rsquo;t pull together in the same cart.</p>
+<p>Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, and
+like old times.&nbsp; He liked Master Lupin very well, but he occasionally
+suffered from what he could not help&mdash;youth.</p>
+<p>July 2.&mdash;Cummings called, looked very pale, and said he had
+been very ill again, and of course not a single friend had been near
+him.&nbsp; Carrie said she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw
+down a copy of the <i>Bicycle News</i> on the table, with the following
+paragraph: &ldquo;We regret to hear that that favourite old roadster,
+Mr. Cummings (&lsquo;Long&rsquo; Cummings), has met with what might
+have been a serious accident in Rye Lane.&nbsp; A mischievous boy threw
+a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and the machine
+overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily to the ground.&nbsp;
+Fortunately he was more frightened than hurt, but we missed his merry
+face at the dinner at Chingford, where they turned up in good numbers.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Long&rsquo; Cummings&rsquo; health was proposed by our popular
+Vice, Mr. Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein
+said it was a case of &lsquo;<i>Cumming</i>(s) thro&rsquo; the <i>Rye</i>,
+but fortunately there was more <i>wheel</i> than<i> woe</i>,&rsquo;
+a joke which created roars of laughter.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay to supper.&nbsp;
+Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin, and he was
+much better away.</p>
+<p>July 3, Sunday.&mdash;In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the
+parlour window, which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with
+a gentleman seated by the side of her, stopped at our door.&nbsp; Not
+wishing to be seen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back
+of it violently against the sharp edge of the window-sash.&nbsp; I was
+nearly stunned.&nbsp; There was a loud double-knock at the front door;
+Carrie rushed out of the parlour, upstairs to her room, and I followed,
+as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp.&nbsp; I thought it was Mr. Franching.&mdash;I
+whispered to Sarah over the banisters: &ldquo;Show them into the drawing-room.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Sarah said, as the shutters were not opened, the room would smell musty.&nbsp;
+There was another loud rat-tat.&nbsp; I whispered: &ldquo;Then show
+them into the parlour, and say Mr. Pooter will be down directly.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+I changed my coat, but could not see to do my hair, as Carrie was occupying
+the glass.</p>
+<p>Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. Lupin.</p>
+<p>This was quite a relief.&nbsp; I went down with Carrie, and Lupin
+met me with the remark: &ldquo;I say, what did you run away from the
+window for?&nbsp; Did we frighten you?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I foolishly said: &ldquo;What window?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Oh, you know.&nbsp; Shut it.&nbsp; You looked
+as if you were playing at Punch and Judy.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: &ldquo;Oh,
+I think Daisy will take on a cup of tea.&nbsp; I can do with a B. and
+S.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said: &ldquo;I am afraid we have no soda.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t bother about that.&nbsp; You just
+trip out and hold the horse; I don&rsquo;t think Sarah understands it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin said:
+&ldquo;I want you both to come and dine with me next Wednesday, and
+see my new place.&nbsp; Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, Miss Posh (Murray&rsquo;s
+sister) are coming.&nbsp; Eight o&rsquo;clock sharp.&nbsp; No one else.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would like
+the dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got home.</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Rats!&nbsp; You must get used to it.&nbsp; If
+it comes to that, Daisy and I can drive you home.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the familiar
+way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is reprehensible.&nbsp;
+Anybody would think they had been children together.&nbsp; I certainly
+should object to a six months&rsquo; acquaintance calling <i>my</i>
+wife &ldquo;Carrie,&rdquo; and driving out with her.</p>
+<p>July 4.&mdash;Lupin&rsquo;s rooms looked very nice; but the dinner
+was, I thought, a little too grand, especially as he commenced with
+champagne straight off.&nbsp; I also think Lupin might have told us
+that he and Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put
+on full evening dress.&nbsp; Knowing that the dinner was only for us
+six, we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair.&nbsp; I had no
+appetite.&nbsp; It was quite twenty minutes past eight before we sat
+down to dinner.&nbsp; At six I could have eaten a hearty meal.&nbsp;
+I had a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling famished, and
+I expect that partly spoiled my appetite.</p>
+<p>We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called &ldquo;Little
+Girl,&rdquo; as if he had known her all his life.&nbsp; She was very
+tall, rather plain, and I thought she was a little painted round the
+eyes.&nbsp; I hope I am wrong; but she had such fair hair, and yet her
+eyebrows were black.&nbsp; She looked about thirty.&nbsp; I did not
+like the way she kept giggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching
+him.&nbsp; Then her laugh was a sort of a scream that went right through
+my ears, all the more irritating because there was nothing to laugh
+at.&nbsp; In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with her.&nbsp;
+They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including Miss Posh, who startled
+Carrie by saying: &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t you smoke, dear?&rdquo;&nbsp; I
+answered for Carrie, and said: &ldquo;Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived
+at it yet,&rdquo; whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs
+again.</p>
+<p>Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what
+I have said before&mdash;she does <i>not</i> sing in tune; but Lupin
+sat by the side of the piano, gazing into her eyes the whole time.&nbsp;
+If I had been Mr. Posh, I think I should have had something to say about
+it.&nbsp; Mr. Posh made himself very agreeable to us, and eventually
+sent us home in his carriage, which I thought most kind.&nbsp; He is
+evidently very rich, for Mrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery.&nbsp;
+She told Carrie her necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday
+present, alone cost &pound;300.</p>
+<p>Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he would
+make rapid way in the world.</p>
+<p>I could not help thinking of the &pound;600 Mr. Posh lost over the
+<i>Parachikka Chlorates</i> through Lupin&rsquo;s advice.</p>
+<p>During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and expressed
+a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his means.</p>
+<p>Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands.&nbsp; &ldquo;Posh&rsquo;s
+one-price hat&rdquo; was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester,
+Liverpool, and all the big towns throughout England.&nbsp; Lupin further
+informed me that Mr. Posh was opening branch establishments at New York,
+Sydney, and Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and Johannesburg.</p>
+<p>I said I was pleased to hear it.</p>
+<p>Lupin said: &ldquo;Why, he has settled over &pound;10,000 on Daisy,
+and the same amount on &lsquo;Lillie Girl.&rsquo;&nbsp; If at any time
+I wanted a little capital, he would put up a couple of &lsquo;thou&rsquo;
+at a day&rsquo;s notice, and could buy up Perkupp&rsquo;s firm over
+his head at any moment with ready cash.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I
+was inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money was <i>not</i>
+properly divided.</p>
+<p>On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom cab,
+which had been waiting for me for two hours with a letter.&nbsp; Sarah
+said she did not know what to do, as we had not left the address where
+we had gone.&nbsp; I trembled as I opened the letter, fearing it was
+some bad news about Mr. Perkupp.&nbsp; The note was: &ldquo;Dear Mr.
+Pooter,&mdash;Come down to the Victoria Hotel without delay.&nbsp; Important.&nbsp;
+Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I asked the cabman if it was too late.&nbsp; The cabman replied that
+it was <i>not</i>; for his instructions were, if I happened to be out,
+he was to wait till I came home.&nbsp; I felt very tired, and really
+wanted to go to bed.&nbsp; I reached the hotel at a quarter before midnight.&nbsp;
+I apologised for being so late, but Mr. Huttle said: &ldquo;Not at all;
+come and have a few oysters.&rdquo;&nbsp; I feel my heart beating as
+I write these words.&nbsp; To be brief, Mr. Huttle said he had a rich
+American friend who wanted to do something large in our line of business,
+and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to him.&nbsp; We talked
+over the matter.&nbsp; If, by any happy chance, the result be successful,
+I can more than compensate my dear master for the loss of Mr. Crowbillon&rsquo;s
+custom.&nbsp; Mr. Huttle had previously said: &ldquo;The glorious &lsquo;Fourth&rsquo;
+is a lucky day for America, and, as it has not yet struck twelve, we
+will celebrate it with a glass of the best wine to be had in the place,
+and drink good luck to our bit of business.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.</p>
+<p>It was two o&rsquo;clock when I got home.&nbsp; Although I was so
+tired, I could not sleep except for short intervals&mdash;then only
+to dream.</p>
+<p>I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle.&nbsp; The latter was
+in a lovely palace with a crown on.&nbsp; Mr. Perkupp was waiting in
+the room.&nbsp; Mr. Huttle kept taking off this crown and handing it
+to me, and calling me &ldquo;President.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept asking Mr.
+Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master.&nbsp; Mr. Huttle kept
+saying: &ldquo;No, this is the White House of Washington, and you must
+keep your crown, Mr. President.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and then
+I woke up.&nbsp; I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over and
+over again.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CHAPTER THE LAST</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>One of the happiest days of my life.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines1"><br /></div>
+<p>July 10.&mdash;The excitement and anxiety through which I have gone
+the last few days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey.&nbsp;
+It is all but settled.&nbsp; To-morrow the die will be cast.&nbsp; I
+have written a long letter to Lupin&mdash;feeling it my duty to do so,&mdash;regarding
+his attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove up to our house again last
+night.</p>
+<p>July 11.&mdash;I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note
+of my interview this morning with Mr. Perkupp.&nbsp; Addressing me,
+he said: &ldquo;My faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important
+service you have done our firm.&nbsp; You can never be sufficiently
+thanked.&nbsp; Let us change the subject.&nbsp; Do you like your house,
+and are you happy where you are?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I replied: &ldquo;Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the neighbourhood,
+and could not bear to leave it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: &ldquo;Mr. Pooter, I will purchase
+the freehold of that house, and present it to the most honest and most
+worthy man it has ever been my lot to meet.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be spared
+many years to enjoy it.&nbsp; My heart was too full to thank him; and,
+seeing my embarrassment, the good fellow said: &ldquo;You need say nothing,
+Mr. Pooter,&rdquo; and left the office.</p>
+<p>I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I have
+never done before), and asked the two latter to come round to supper.</p>
+<p>On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent Sarah
+round to the grocer&rsquo;s to get two bottles of &ldquo;Jackson Fr&egrave;res.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post brought
+a letter from Lupin in reply to mine.&nbsp; I read it aloud to them
+all.&nbsp; It ran: &ldquo;My dear old Guv.,&mdash;Keep your hair on.&nbsp;
+You are on the wrong tack again.&nbsp; I am engaged to be married to
+&lsquo;Lillie Girl.&rsquo;&nbsp; I did not mention it last Thursday,
+as it was not definitely settled.&nbsp; We shall be married in August,
+and amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing and Cummings.&nbsp;
+With much love to all, from <i>The same old Lupin</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div>
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+</pre></body>
+</html>
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