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diff --git a/old/10091-8.txt b/old/10091-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..705d40d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10091-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2650 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, October +29, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, October 29, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2003 [EBook #10091] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 31 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + |to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. 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BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer; | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXV. + +THE SKELETON IS MCLAUGHLIN'S CLOSET. + +Night, spotted with stars, like a black leopard, crouched once more upon +Bumsteadville, and her one eye to be seen in profile, the moon, glared +upon the helpless place with something of a cat's nocturnal stare of +glassy vision for a stupefied mouse. Midnight had come with its twelve +tinkling drops more of opiate, to deepen the stupor of all things almost +unto death, and still the light shone luridly through the +window-curtains of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, and still the lonely musician +sat stiffly at a dinner-table spread for three, whereof only a goblet, a +curious antique black bottle, a bowl of sugar, a saucer of lemon-slices, +a decanter of water, and a saucer of cloves appeared to have been used +by the solitary diner. + +Unconscious that, through the door ajar at his back, a pair of vigilant +human orbs were upon him, the ritualistic organist, who was in very low +spirits, drew an emaciated and rather unsteady hand repeatedly across +his perspiring brow, and talked in deep bass to himself. + +"He came in, af'r' bein' brisgly walked up'n-down the turnpike by +PENDRAGON, and slammed himself down-'n-that-chair," ran the soliloquy, +with a ghostly nod towards an opposite chair, drawn back from the table. +"'Inebrious boy!' says I, sternly, 'how-are-y'-now?' He said +'Poorawell;' 'n' wen' down on-er-floor fas'hleep! I w's +scan'l'ized.--Whowoonbe?--I took m' umbrella 'n' thrashed 'm with it, +remarking 'F'shame! waygup! mis'able boy! 's poorysight-f'r-'nuncle-t' +see-'s-nephew-'n-this-p'litical-c'ndit'n.'--H'slep on; 'n' 't last I +picked up him, 'n' umbrella, 'n' took 'm out t' some cool place +t'shleep't off. _Where'd'_ I take him? Thashwazmarrer--_where'd'_ I +leave'm?" + +Repeating this question to himself, with an almost frenzied intensity, +the gloomy victim of a treacherous memory threw an unearthly stare of +bloodshot questioning all over the room, and, after a swaying motion or +two of the upper half of his body, pitched forward, with his forehead +crashing upon the table. Instantly recovering himself, and starting to +rub his head, he as suddenly checked that palliative process by a wild +run to his feet and a hideous bellow. + +"_I r'memb'r, now!_" he ejaculated, walking excitedly at a series of +obtuse angles all over the apartment. + +"Got-'t-knockedinto-m'-head-'t-last. Pauper bur'l ground--J. +M'GLAUGHLIN. Down'n cellar--cool placefa' man's tight--lef' m' umbrella +there by m'stake--go'n' get't thishmin't--" + +Managing, after several inaccurate aims at the doorway, to plunge into +the adjacent bedroom, he presently reappeared from thence, veering +hard-aport, with a lighted lantern in his right hand. Then, circuitously +approaching the neglected dining-table, he grasped with his disengaged +digits at the antique black bottle, missed it, went all the way around +the board before he could stop himself, clutched and missed again, went +clear around once more, and finally effected the capture. "Th 'peared t' +be two," he muttered, placing the prize in one of his pockets; and, with +a triumphant stride, made for the half-open hall-door through which the +eyes had been watching him. + +The owner of those eyes, and of a surprising head of florid hair, had +barely time to draw back into the shadow of the corridor and notice an +approaching face like that of one walking in his sleep, when the +clove-eater swung disjointedly by him, with jingling lantern, and went +fiercely bumping down the stairway. Closely, without sound, followed the +watcher, and the two, like man and shadow, went out from the house into +the quarry of the moon-eyed black leopard. + +Fully bound now in the sinister spell of the spice of the Molucca +islands, Mr. BUMSTEAD had regained that condition of his duplex +existence to which belonged the disposition he had made of his lethargic +nephew and alpaca umbrella on that confused Christmas night; and with +such realization of a distinct duality came back to him at least a +partial recollection of where he had put the cherished two. Finding Mr. +E. DROOD rather overcome by the more festive features of the +meal,--notwithstanding his walk at midnight with Mr. PENDRAGON,--he had +allowed his avuncular displeasure thereat to betray itself in a +threshing administered with the umbrella. Observing that the young man +still slept beside the chair from which he fell, he had ultimately, and +with the umbrella still under his arm raised the dishevelled nephew +head-downward in his arms, and impatiently conveyed him from the heated +room and house to the coolest retreat he could think of. There +depositing him, and, in his hurry, the umbrella also, to sleep off, +under reviving atmospheric influences, the unseemly effect of the +evening's banquet, he had gone back on both sides of the road to his +boarding-house, and, with his boots upon the pillow, sunk into an +instantaneous sleep of unfathomable depth. Dreaming, towards morning, +that he was engaging a large boa-constrictor in single combat, and +struggling energetically to restrain the ferocious reptile from getting +into his boots, he had suddenly awakened, with a crash, upon the +floor--to miss his umbrella and nephew, to forget where he had put them, +and to fly to Gospeler's Gulch with incoherent charges of larceny and +manslaughter. All this he could now vaguely recall, his present +psychological condition, or trance-state, being the same as then; and +was going entrancedly back to the hiding-place where, with the best of +motives, he had forgetfully left the two objects dearest to him in life. + +On, then, proceeded the Ritualistic organist in the tawny light of the +black leopard's eye: his stealthy follower trailing closely after in the +shade of the roadside trees where the star-spotted leopard's black paws +were plunged deepest. On he went, in zig-zag profusion of steps and +occasional high skips over incidental shadows of branches which he for +snakes, until the Pauper Burial Ground was reached, and MCLAUGHLIN'S +hidden subterranean retreat therein attained. It was the same weird spot +to which he had been brought by Old MORTARITY on the wintry night of +their unholy exploring party; and, without appearing to be surprised +that the entrance to the excavation was open, he eagerly descended by +the rickety step-ladder, and held himself steady by the latter while +throwing the light of his lantern around the mouldy walls. + +His immediate hiccup, provoked by the dampness of the situation, was +answered by a groan, which, instead of being solid, was very hollow; +and, as he peered vivaciously forward behind his extended lantern, there +advanced from a far corner--O, woeful man! O, thrice unhappy uncle!--the +spectral figure of the missing EDWIN DROOD! + +After a moment's inspection of the apparition, which paused terribly +before him with hand hidden in breast, Mr. BUMSTEAD placed his lantern +upon a step of the ladder, drew and profoundly labiated his antique +black bottle, thoughtfully crunched a couple of cloves from another +pocket--staring stonily all the while--and then addressed the youthful +shade:-- + +"Where's th' umbrella?" + +"Monster of forgetfulness! murderer of memory!" spoke the spirit, +sternly. "In this, the last rough resting place of the impecunious dead, +do you dare to discuss commonplace topics with one of the departed? Look +at me, uncle, clove-befogged, and shrink appalled from the dread sight, +and pray for mercy." + +"Ishthis prop'r language t' address-t'-y'r-relative?" inquired Mr. +BUMSTEAD, in a severely reproachful manner. + +"Relative!" repeated the apparition, sepulchrally. "What sort of +relative is he, who, when his sister's orphaned son is sleeping at his +feet, conveys the unconscious orphan, head downward, through a midnight +tempest, to a place like this, and leaves him here, and then forgets +where he has put him?" + +"I give't up," said the organist, after a moment's consideration. + +"The answer is: he's a dead-beat." continued the young ghost, losing his +temper. "And what, JOHN BUMSTEAD, did you do with my oroide watch and +other jewels?" + +"Musht've spilt'm on the road here," returned the musing uncle, faintly +remembering that they had been found upon the turnpike, shortly after +Christmas, by Gospeler SIMPSON. "Are you dead, EDWIN?" + +"Did you not bury me here alive, and close the opening to my tomb, and +go away and charge everybody with my murder?" asked the spectre, +bitterly. "O, uncle, hard of head and paralyzed in recollection! is it +any good excuse for sacrificing my poor life, that, in your cloven +state, you put me down a cellar, like a pan of milk, and then could not +remember where you'd put me? And was it noble, then, to go to her whom +you supposed had been my chosen bride, and offer wedlock to her on your +own account?" + +"I was acting as y'r-executor, EDWIN," explained the uncle. "I did +ev'thing forth' besht." + +"And does the sight of me fill you with no terror, no remorse, unfeeling +man?" groaned the ghost. + +"Yeshir," answered Mr. BUMSTEAD, with sudden energy. "Yeshir. I'm +r'morseful on 'count of th' umbrella. Who-d'-y'-lend-'t-to?" + +It is an intellectual characteristic of the more advanced degrees of the +clove-trance, that, while the tranced individual can perceive objects, +even to occasional duplexity, and hear remarks more or less distinctly, +neither objects nor remarks are positively associated by him with any +perspicuous idea. Thus, while the Ritualistic organist had a blurred +perception of his nephew's conversational remains, and was dimly +conscious that the tone of the supernatural remarks addressed to himself +was not wholly congratulatory, he still presented a physical and moral +aspect of dense insensibility. + +Momentarily nonplussed by such unheard-of calmness under a ghostly +visitation, the apparition, without changing position, allowed itself to +roll one inquiring eye towards the opening above the step-ladder, where +the moonlight revealed an attentive head of red hair. Catching the +glance, the head allowed a hand belonging to it to appear at the opening +and motion downward. + +"Look there, then," said the intelligent ghost to its uncle, pointing to +the ground near its feet. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD, rousing from a brief doze, glanced indifferently towards +the spot indicated; but, in another instant, was on his knees beside the +undefined object he there beheld. A keen, breathless scrutiny, a +frenzied clutch with both hands, and then he was upon his feet again, +holding close to the lantern the thing he had found. + +The barred light shone on a musty skeleton, to which still clung a few +mouldy shreds left by the rats; and only the celebrated bone handle +identified it as what had once been the maddened finder's idolized +Alpaca Umbrella. + +"Aha!" twitted the apparition, "then you have some heart left, JOHN +BUMSTEAD?" + +"Heart!" moaned the distracted organist, fairly kissing the dear +remains, and restored to perfect speech and comprehension by the awful +shock. "I had one, but it is broken now!--Allie, my long-lost Allie!" he +continued, tenderly apostrophizing the skeleton, "do we meet thus at +last again?-- + + 'What thought is folded in thy leaves! + What tender thought, what speechless pain! + I hold thy faded lips to mine, + Thou darling of the April rain!' + +Where is thine old familiar alpaca dress, my Allie? Where is the canopy +that has so often sheltered thy poor master's head from the storm? Gone! +gone! and through my own forgetfulness!" + +"And have you no thought for your nephew?" asked the persevering +apparition, hoarsely. + +"Not under the present circumstances," retorted the mourner; he and the +ghost both coughing with the colds which they had taken from standing +still so long in such a damp place--"not under the present +circumstances," he repeated, wildly, making a fierce pass at the spectre +with the skeleton, and then dropping the latter to the ground in +nerveless despair. "To a single man, his umbrella is wife, mother, +sister, venerable maiden aunt from the country--all in one. In losing +mine, I've lost my whole family, and want to hear no more about +relatives. Good night, sir." + +"Here! hold on! Can't you leave the lantern for a moment?" cried the +ghost. But the heart-stricken Ritualist had swarmed up the ladder and +was gone. + +Then, going up too, the spectre appeared also unto two other men, who +crawled from behind pauper headstones at his summons; the face of the +one being that of J. MCLAUGHLIN, that of the other Mr. TRACY CLEWS. And +the spectre walked between these two, carrying Mr. BUMSTEAD'S skeleton +in its hand.[1] + + +[Footnote 1: The _cut_ accompanying the above chapter is from the +illustrated title-page of the English monthly numbers of "The Mystery of +Edwin Drood;"--in which it is the last of a series of border-vignettes; +--and plainly shows that it was the author's intention to bring back +his hero a living man before the conclusion of the story.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Bibo_.--Is there a champagne wine having the flavor of gun-flints? + +_Answer_.--The wine made at Pierry, in the Champagne country, is said by +connoisseurs to be so flavored. There is much alarm now among the +wine-growers, however, lest the next vintage may have a flavor of +percussion-caps instead, owing to the war and the modern weapons. + +_Plantagenet de Vere_.--Would you believe a person named JONES on his +oath? + +_Answer_.--We would not. + +_Smike_. We read of houses being "gutted" by the Prussian soldiers; have +houses entrails, then? + +_Answer_.--All occupied houses have livers, and most houses have lights. + +_M. T. Head_.--We cannot pay strangers in advance for contributions that +have not been sent in by them. + +_Icarus_.--What do the balloon scouts of Paris use for ballast? + +_Answer_.--Bundles of newspapers, chiefly. Immense bales of the unsold +copies of the New York _Free Press_ are now exported for the purpose. +They are preferred to any other papers because, when placed anywhere in +the balloon, they Lie so, and, having already fallen from grace, falling +from a balloon is nothing to them. + +_Taxidermist_.--What is the best material for stuffing ballot-boxes +with? + +_Answer_.--Greenbacks. + +_Leatherhead_.--Is it true that most of the prominent men of +England--"TOM BROWN" HUGHES, for instance--are proficient pugilists? + +_Answer_.--We have never seen "TOM BROWN" spar, but we have often seen +JOHN STUART Mill. + +_Abby Gansevoort_.--No, my dear, your name does not occur in any of +SHAKESPEARE'S plays. + +_Figdrum_.--Born to the drudgery of commerce, I aspire to literature: +what am I to do to see my name in print? + +_Answer_.--Put it in the City Directory. + +_Voice-in-the-Fog_.--Why is it that all the queer isms of the day, such +as socialism, are more cultivated by Red Republicans than by any other +political sect? + +_Answer_.--Red, as artists well know, is the complementary or opposite +color to green. The social phenomenon to which you refer, then, may be +accounted for on the principle that extremes meet. + +_Clericus_.--Is it proper for me, as a clergyman, to wear moustaches? + +_Answer_.--Quite so, unless they are red, in which case they might +interfere with your published sermons. + +_Astrolabe_.--What is the exact distance between the Dog Star and +Roxbury, Mass.? + +_Answer_.--We do not know. PUNCHINELLO is not a Sirius journal. + +_Juniper Byles_.--My rent has just been raised, and I have had a +curtain-lecture from my wife for swearing about it. Would not you swear +if your rent was raised? + +_Answer_.--Certainly not--at least not if it was raised by benevolent +subscription. + + * * * * * + +AN ACQUAINTANCE. + +_Tom_.--"I say, JACK, what a beautiful complexion Miss SMITH has. Do you +know her?" + +_Jack_.--"No, but I know a girl who buys her complexion at the same +store at which Miss SMITH buys hers." + + * * * * * + +"CUM GRANO SALIS."--Musk-melon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HORSE-CAR CONTINGENCY. + +Gallant Tar (To horrified lady of uncertain age), "BELAY THERE, OLD +WOMAN! TAKE THIS SEAT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +PARIS, FOURTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +Dear Punchinello: You may not have heard that BISMARCK has been here, +had an interview with FAVRE, and is off again. I didn't suppose you +would know it, so I hasten to give you and your army of readers a brief +synopsis of what took place, as nearly as I can in the exact language +used by the distinguished diplomats upon the occasion. + +The scene of the consultation was one of the Imperial wine-cellars under +that pavilion of the Tuileries palace which overlooks the Seine at the +southwestern extremity of the _Place du Carrousel_. The spot was +selected for two reasons: it was far removed from the noise and hubbub +of the city, and it furnished facilities for "liquoring up" in case of +necessity. I was there and left, as you will see, under circumstances +calculated to give me a lasting impression of the event. We all three of +us sat around a pine table, upon which faintly flickered a tallow candle +in a soda-water bottle, that shed around a sickly glare (that is to say, +the candle did). BISMARCK looked a little the worse for wear, I thought, +and, as he unbuttoned his vest with a grunt of relief, he struck me +likewise as being rather short in his wind. + +FAVRE was loose and frisky as a four weeks old kitten, and spoke with a +quick, decided tone that reminded me of HORACE GREELEY. He never once +swore, however, during the whole interview. Your readers will observe +that even if this momentous meeting was not marked by the usual +diplomatic usages, the language is strictly according to the usual +diplomatic idiom. It is important to note this fact, as everything +hinges on the "idiom." + +BISMARCK was the first to break silence: + +"The difficulties which embarrass the questions under discussion stand +first in the order of elimination." + +FAVRE assented, and BISMARCK continued: "We must remove the peritoneum +to get at the viscera of the issues (I was much struck with the force +and originality of this method of putting it), and evict those +impressions which are purely matters of national sensibility." + +I snuffed the candle and waited for FAVRE. + +FAVRE: "Your Excellency abounds in subtle diagnoses." + +BISMARCK: "It is not a question of noses." + +FAVRE: "Your Excellency mistakes me. I meant to say that, like the +'Heathen Chinee,' your ways are dark." + +I moved the light closer to the Count. FAVRE only smiled. + +BISMARCK: "Touching 'rectification,' then, Germany sticks to her +position." + +I regarded this as an insinuation that somebody was "stuck." + +FAVRE: "France adheres unalterably to her previous resolution. National +traditions, deeply interwoven with the fine fibre of individual natures, +forbid the relaxation of tissues logically irresistible." + +A smile of triumph flitted faintly o'er the features of the Frenchman. +He evidently thought he had made a "ten strike." I whispered +approvingly, "_Tres bien, Monsieur, tres bien!_" + +BISMARCK: "Does the German heart yearn for the Rhine? Does it yearn for +Strasbourg? Does it yearn for Metz? and if not, what does it yearn for?" + +He was looking straight at me when he said this, and so I answered +"Bier." + +A dark scowl flitted frantically over the features of the German, but he +went right on: "Are all the longings of all these years, dating from the +birth of CHARLEMAGNE and extending through GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS to +FREDERICK the Great and WILLIAM the First, by his father on his maternal +grandmother's side, who lies in the iron coffin of the _domkirche_ at +Potsdam, whence we derive the consolidated grandeur of HOHENZOLLERN +mingling its rich ancestral dyes with the dark woof of fate to dispel +the expanding dream of German aspiration?" + +I had not time to witness the effect upon FAVRE, but, gasping for +breath, I started from my seat and uttered these words, which I +remembered to have read in a German-English libretto of MARIE STUART: +"_Mein Gott, ich kenne eures Eifers reinen Trieb, Weiss, dass gediegne +Weissheit aus Euch redet!_" + +It did not matter to me that FAVRE lay swooning on the floor. That the +Count glared at me savagely and crunched his jaws with maniacal energy. +My knowledge of German was up. It had caught the fierce impulse, the +majestic sweep of his ponderous linguosity. I remembered another +sentence, and hurled it wildly at him: "_Bei Gott, Du wirst, ich hoff's, +noch viele Jahre auf ihrem Grabe wandeln, ohne dass du selber sie +hinabzustürzen brauchtest!_" + +Again I looked at the Count. His jaw had ceased working, and the +expression of his eye had changed. His arm moved furtively beneath the +table. What could he be doing? Horrible moment of uncertainty. Still the +arm worked, as if tugging at something. I could stand it no longer. +Seizing the soda-water bottle, I stooped to cast the rays of the +sixpenny dip beneath the table. As I did so, a boot-heel flashed in the +air, the Count's arm descended with a terrific detonation, and I saw no +more. + +(Interval of twenty-four hours.) + +The result of the interview will be communicated to the American public +by a Tribune special, as soon as a carrier-pigeon can reach SMALLEY at +London. I am still suffering from a sensation of having been recently +hit, + +DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +ASPIRATION. + +Of all sorts of people in the world, the Cockney has the queerest +notions about vegetable nature. Show him the first letter of the +alphabet, for instance, and he pronounces it "hay." + + + * * * * * + +APPARENTLY ANOMALOUS. + +Should the Prussians ever succeed in entering Paris, it is hardly +possible that they can be well received by the citizens, whether they +find FAVRE there or not. + + * * * * * + +OUR PRIVATE GALLERIES. + +The Belmont Collection. + +This admirable gallery includes among its treasures many of the old +masters and-when open for exhibition--a bewildering collection of young +nurses. The latter are frequently inaccurate in anatomical details, but +in point of brilliancy of color they far outshine the best efforts of +RUBENS and TITIAN. The flesh tints produced by many of our Fifth Avenue +belles infinitely surpass the obsolete tints upon which the great +Venetians used to pride themselves. + +In Mr. BELMONT'S gallery there are so many original RAPHAELS and +MURILLOS, painted by the very best European artists of the present day, +that it would occupy far too much of our limited space were we to notice +them in detail. We will therefore pass them by, and simply call +attention to some of the more noteworthy pictures, executed by +contemporary painters, which hang side by side with the more smoky but +hardly less valuable works of antiquity. Prominent among these is a +modest little "Fruit and Flower" piece, by that promising young artist, +Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY. It deserves especial praise for its accurate +copying of nature, the varied beauty of its coloring, and the deep +longing of the heart--the hunger of the soul--which must have inspired +the fair artist. We give a faithful sketch of this charming picture, +though, of course, the glories of its rainbow hues cannot be represented +here. + +[Illustration: FRUIT AND FLOWER PIECE.] + +A beautiful work, and one evidently inspired by the sound of battle, is +the noble historical painting entitled "On Picket," by Mr. C.A. DANA, +Associate Artist National Academy of Velocipedestrianism. The artist has +produced a picture that must inspire us all with the absolute truth of +the story it so dramatically tells, while he has filled our hearts with +deep sympathy and lofty admiration for the lovely and heroic combatant +depicted on his canvas. Our army officers--Col. FISK for example--who +are ignorant of the sword exercise may derive a hint from this spirited +work, as to the importance of obtaining a thorough mastery of the fence. + +[Illustration] + +Claude's renowned landscape of the "Ruined Mill" is familiar to all who +are acquainted with it, and has been greatly admired by those who did +not feel impelled to condemn its many faults. But CLAUDE is now known to +have been no artist, but a mere pretender. There is reason to believe +that he had never read RUSKIN, and was hence necessarily ignorant of the +aim and method of landscape painting. Our young friend BROWN, the +_spirituel_ and fascinating assistant Rector of a fashionable uptown +church, has in this gallery a rendering of a similar subject. How +manifest is his superiority to CLAUDE! With what truth and fidelity to +nature; with what holy calm, and child-like faith, and lofty aspiration +has BROWN filled his glowing canvas! And withal, he does not lead us +back to the dead faith and traditions of the past, save to urge us +onward in the pathway of--in the pathway--in short, to urge us on more +or less. To those envious minds who affect to regard BROWN as a mere +amateur, an undertaker of more than he has the ability to execute, we +would deign but one reply, and that would be, "Look at his trees in the +picture called the 'Ruins of the Mill,' and then cower back into your +native insignificance." + +[Illustration: RUINS OF A MILL.] + +There are many other pictures which we would like to notice in this +article, but want of space will forbid us to do so this week. We have +merely room to mention, with warm approbation, the exceedingly dramatic +little _genre_ picture entitled "Shoo-fly," by the veteran Minstrel, Mr. +DANIEL BRYANT, whose recent translation of HOMER has given him so high a +rank among the best German scholars of the day. + +[Illustration: SHOE FLY!] + + * * * * * + +RULES AND MAXIMS. + +How they change! ESCULAPIUS now gives to us and our children, as +_medicine_, what he denounced to the last generation as "_pizen_." The +heresy of yesterday is the orthodoxy of to-day. + +Thus the philosophy of those who are _under_ the turf is refuted by +those who are _on_ the turf. It used to be said in regard to horses:-- + + "One white foot, buy him, + "Two white feet, try him, + "Three white feet, deny him, + "Four white feet and a white nose, + "Take off his shoes and give him to the crows." + +But the advent of DEXTER has changed the sinister rhyme to:-- + + One white foot, spy him, + Two white feet, try him, + Three white feet, buy him, + Four white feet and a white nose, + And a mile in 2-17 he goes. + + * * * * * + +RIGHT TO THE SPOT. + +Additional spots on the disk of the sun are reported. An ingenious +writer, who candidly states that he is not an astronomer, accounts for +them by suggesting that they are caused by stray shots from the Prussian +sharpshooters who tried to bring down GAMBETTA'S balloon. + + * * * * * + +A QUERY FOR STEEPLE-CHASERS. + +We hear a great deal about "featherweights" in connection with racing. +If there _are_ such things as feather weights, why on earth don't the +managers of Jerome Park races stuff the steeple-chase jockeys with them, +to prevent them from being injured by such accidents as happened there +on the opening day of the Autumn meeting? + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO VIII. + + JACK SPRAT could eat no fat, + His wife could eat no lean; + And so between them both, + They licked the platter clean. + +JACK SPRAT was a near neighbor to the Poet. He was a remarkably delicate +man, cadaverous and thin. A dyspeptic, always ailing, he was a subject +of pity for his friends, and of wonder to his acquaintances. But behold +the eternal fitness of things. Providence blessed him with a wife, his +opposite in every respect. When extremes meet, a perfect whole is the +result; and in this case it was a perfect marriage, fit to be sung by +poets and embalmed in verse. + +When JACK SPRAT met SALLY STUBBS, at a husking party, she took his eye, +and kept it. She filled his heart completely. A rosy-cheeked, buxom +lass, healthy and hearty, dimples and dumplings combined, she captivated +and carried, by sheer force of weight, the delicate soul of poor JACK. + +It was a case of latitude against longitude; strength against weakness, +smiles against tears, laughter against groans. And so the poor fellow, +feeling an unacknowledged desire to find some one able to support and +protect him, yielded to the advice of his friends and his own +inclinations, and laid his attenuated hand, with his poor little heart +in it, at the fat feet of fair SALLY STUBBS. + +He was smiled upon, broad-grinned upon, and accepted; and thereby +rendered for the nonce the happiest of men. Tradition has it that the +next day he actually ate a hearty dinner, and did not complain of his +digestion immediately after. But this is considered doubtful by many. + +Fair SALLY, overflowing with the milk of human kindness, and yearning in +her soul to bestow her attentions and corporosity upon JACK'S +attenuosity, urged matters onward, and the wedding day was fixed, the +ring bought, and delicate Mr. SPRAT was led to the altar like a sheep to +the slaughter. + +Tremblingly he advanced up the aisle of the village church, leading his +blushing and waddling bride, and took his place, looking like an +exclamation point alongside a parenthesis, before the black-robed +Priest, who speedily put an end to Miss STUBBS, and presented JACK with +a female SPRAT. + +Mrs. SPRAT blushed like a full-blown peony as JACK manfully and +courageously saluted her upon one rosy cheek, in the presence of the +assembled guests, and then, to cover her confusion, she giggled and +shook hands energetically with the company, telling JACK to "hold up his +head and do the same, for it was _com eel fut_, and he must try to be +fashionable at his own wedding." + +The Bride carried off the honors manfully, and after the first few +moments recovered from her embarrassment, and appeared as much at ease +as if getting married was an every-day affair, not worth minding. JACK +couldn't get over it so readily, and his teeth chattered till late in +the night. But they stopped after a while; so I am told. + +We pass over the first few days devoted to honey-mooning, and look in +upon them as they sit at dinner. He with his greyhound and she with her +cat, both animals attentively watching each morsel that disappears from +their longing gaze into the capacious mouth of master or mistress. +Notice with what dexterity and generosity Mr. SPRAT selects the fattest +parts and skilfully conveys them to Madam's plate, reserving the lean +for himself; occasionally throwing a bone to his dog, while the lady now +and then bestows a fat bit upon Puss, who slowly licks her lips and +winks for more. It is a cozy scene of quiet domestic bliss, and so +continues till the platter is empty; when, both feeling satisfied for +the time, they lean back in their respective chairs, and gaze +complacently upon their pets, each other, and the empty dishes. + +Their wonderful congeniality and quiet happiness became the subject of +wonder to their friends, and of comment and speculation to the village +gossips. Her oleaginous and feather-bed-like disposition compelled peace, +as oil upon the waves, and shed trouble as a duck sheds water. JACK and +his complainings never troubled her; she merely laughed when he groaned, +and offered to rub his back. But he, fearing the ponderosity of her +hand, rarely submitted; his spinal column being delicate, he dared not +risk it. + +Village gossips tell many little incidents connected with the married +life of the twain, which would be invidious to mention here. Suffice it +to say that they were considered fit subjects for the ever-ready pen of +the Poet to seize upon and perpetuate in never-dying verse, for the +benefit of posterity. That the Poet was right in his surmises, we have +only to look around and ascertain how many learned people of all grades +have treasured up in their memory, from infancy, the history of JACK +SPRAT and his wife. + + * * * * * + +AN OBVIOUS ILLUSTRATION + +Scene. A Lunch Counter. + + +_Customer._ "Waiter, do you call this a milk toast?--why, there's no +milk to be seen." + +_Waiter._ "Milk all gone into the toast, sir." + +_Customer._ "But there's no toast to speak of." + +_Waiter._ "Toast all gone into the milk, sir." + +_Customer._ "Ah, ha!--there's an idea in that, by Jove. I'll go straight +home and write a pamphlet upon the new theory of mutual absorption." + +_Waiter._ "Yes, sir. Don't forget to mention the Kilkenny Cats, sir!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENCOURAGING HOME MANUFACTURES. + +_Young Patriot._ "GIMME THREE CENTS WORTH O' CHESTNUTS." + +_Female Broker._ "D' YER WANT EYETALIAN ONES?" + +_Y. P._ "NO, DARN YER--GIMME AMERICAN ONES."] + + * * * * * + +COUNT BISMARCK'S ACCOUNT. + +BISMARCK'S insolence is really becoming dangerous. He can deny and +contradict the statements made by other Counts, Ambassadors, Kings, or +by himself, without its becoming a matter of sufficient importance to +interest us. Such giving and taking the lie is a part of the business of +persons of this kidney. But he has actually had the audacity to deny the +truthfulness of the report by RUSSELL to the _Times_ of a conversation +held between them. If this thing is not checked in the bud, he will next +be denying--his conversation! with the _Tribune_ "special," as reported +by that ubiquitous observer. What will there be for the world to +believe, if it loses faith in the truthfulness of the papers? + + * * * * * + +A Con. for the Vatican. + +Why is VICTOR EMMANUEL like a tomahawk? Because he is now said to be "a +tool in the hands of the Reds." + + * * * * * + +THE "LOUDEST" OF SUNDAYS "SWELLS." The Swell of the Church organ. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PRIZE CALF "S. L. WOODFORD," FATTENED UP BY MESSRS. +GREELY AND CURTIS FOR THE SPECIAL PURPOSE OF BEING CUT UP ON TUESDAY, +NOVEMBER 8TH.] + + * * * * * + +"DOST KNOW ME?" + +Composed by our Special Dangerous Lunatic in one of his Lucid +Intervals. + + Dost know me? dost know me? was all the maiden said, + As she streamed her golden tresses through the half-unkneaden bread, + While the sunset light came sheening athwart the oaken floor, + And the Headsman chanted his roundelay at the soul-beshriven door. + + Dost know me? dost know me? rang o'er the heather wild, + While the dew-drop lifted its golden head, and the hoary bull-frog + smiled; + Yet every eye was dim with tears, as the shadow of Time replied, + And the echo from over the moorland drear, + In cloistered glory and voice of cheer, + Silently welcomed the Bride. + + "Dost know me? dost know me?" and a soul from out the gloom + Welcomed the rippling brooklet flowing past the tomb, + Gilding the steeples, near and far, with a dusk and dimsome spleen, + Tipping with crest of golden fire + Each mighty CAESAR'S funeral pyre + In its wealth of golden sheen. + + "Dost know me? dost know me?"--eftsoones the answer came + From the lips of the lady with blonden hair like a wreath of golden + flame, + As she lifted the light of her beauteous eyes to the questioning + lips of the knight, + And muttered those words of import dire, + And flashed her eyes with a baleful fire-- + Alas! did he hear aright? + + "I know thee! I know thee! for thou art the Khouli Khan, + And I am the Empress of Allahabad, or any other man, + Then turtle soup may lift its crest o'er the stars in the twilight dim, + Ere I, an Empress of regions fair, + With a halo of succulent blonden hair, + Elope with a Khouli grim." + + Ah me! 'twas sad, and a gruesome night, when the maiden fair said, "No!" + And gave response to the Knight's demand in accents sweetly low. + +THE END. + + Gems more clear than this, no doubt, have oftentimes been seen, + Yet methinks, at least, 'tis a poem clear + As poems which every week appear + In the _Waverley Magazine_. + + * * * * * + +"WELL SAID, OLD MOLE!" + +In a newspaper description of Mr. GREELEY, published some years since, +it was stated that he was born with a mole upon his left arm. This may +or may not be the case; but, judging from the persistence with which the +great agriculturist advocates sub-soil ploughing, there can be no doubt +whatever that he has mole on the brain. + + * * * * * + +BLOOD AND THUNDER! + +PUNCHINELLO learns, without the least surprise, that Mr. YOUNGBLOOD has +retired in disgust from the management of the New York _Free Press_. It +is further announced that the estimable publication referred to will +henceforth be under the charge of Mr. OLDBLOOD, a blood relative of all +the BADBLOODS belonging to the JOHN REAL Democracy. + + * * * * * + +"FALL" WEATHER. + +The subject of bringing down rain by the firing of artillery has again +been revived, owing to the long droughts that have lately prevailed. +What gives a color of feasibility to it, at present, is the fact that +the Reign of LOUIS NAPOLEON has lately been brought down by Prussian +guns. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SIGHT TOO BAD! + +_Struggling Cuba._ "YOU MUST BE AWFULLY NEAR-SIGHTED, MR. PRESIDENT, NOT +TO RECOGNIZE ME." + +_U. S. G._ "NO: I AM FAR-SIGHTED; FOR I CAN RECOGNIZE FRANCE."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN'S POLITICAL SENTIMENTS. + +His Reason for Leaving his Party.--A Catechism for Candidates. + +I hain't gilty of any stated polertix, as Ime aware of. + +For an old man, Ime helthy and sound as a nut on all public questions. I +use to be an old line Whig, and was a pooty active thimble-rigger as +long as it paid. But when that party refoosed to renominate me for the +offis of Gustese of the Peece, like a thurar bred polertician, I shook +'em. Said I, standin' ontop a sugar hogshead, at a primary meetin, which +was bein held in SIMMINSES grocery store:-- + +Feller sitizens of the Whig party, Refoose to renominate good men for +offisses, and you can pack your duds and git your carpet bags checkt for +the next steamer goin up Salt River. + +Leave my name off'n your ticket for another term of offis, and there +won't be enuff left in your old politikle carciss to grease a flap-jack +griddle with. In the words of Mister--Mister--Somebody, "A word to the +wise is--is--enuff to make a--hoss laff." + +And here I say it, Mister PUNCHINELLO, I wasent nominated. + +Dident I smash things? Gess not! I norgarated a bolt which spread like +pourin keroseen ile over a marble floor, and the next fall, SCOTT & +GRAHAM was nockt hire'n the Himmely mountins, while the old Whig party +shoveled off its mortil quarrel. + +Thus, as HORRIS GREELY, in his remarks on politikle Economy, says: +"Vengents, like a 2 tined pitchfork in the hands of Old Nick, will bust +up any party which goes back onto its trusted leaders. 'Vengents is +mine,' says the disappinted offis seeker, and on Election day he peddles +split tickets ontil the poles close." + +Standin as I do on nootral ground, I wish like JOHN BULL I could make my +nootrality pay as well as J. B. does, by sellin stores to the Prooshians +and the French. + +In castin my suferage this fall, I shall go Principals not men. A +_principal_ which is good for its little 7 per cent. _intrest_ payable +semi-annually, is what ales me. + + High-toned (?) principals, and not men, + Is what's the matter in this ere breast, + The Lait Gustise his influence will lend + To him whose _principal_ pays the best. + (Campane poickry.) + +I have prepared a serious of questions, which I propose to ask +candydates who come sneakin around for my sufferage. + +_Skedyule of Interogertories._ + +What's your _principals,_ and is the interest payable in gold or +greenbax? + +If elected to offis, will you squander all your salary and retire poorer +than a church mouse? or will you give _such strict attention to your +dooties_ as will enable you to salt down $100,000.00 per yeer from the +enormous salary of $1500.00 ($ fifteen hundred)? + +Do you think, takin an _iron_ clad oath has got anything to do with a +sertin commandment which says, "Thou shalt not _steel_"? + +Are you a beleiver in E. CADY STANTON'S revoolushinary idees, that woman +is the "coming man," and if so, how do you like it as fur as yoo've got? + +Do you think THEODORE TILTON, ED STUDWELL, STEVE GRISWOLD, FRED DUGLIS, +and SOOSAN B. ANTHONY would make as good Presidents of the U.S. as a +man would? + +Is your wife one of them strong-minded critters, who believes that +husbands had orter stay home and nuss the baby while she goes out and +plays baseball? + +Will you fall onto a voter's sholders, who eats garlix and onions, and +shed tears as freely the day arter eleckshun as you will the nite +before? + +Could you sing the "Battle-cry of freedom" so luvly, if it wasent for +Unkle Sam's _Notes_? + +Would you have any objections, if our National and Common Counsels, like +that of Rome, should organize _Economikle_ Counsels? + +In the war on tother side of the pond, is your sympathies for Lager or +Pea soup? + +If you want the German vote, don't you think it would be your politikle +_bier_ to get at _lager_-heads with the Prushians? + +Did you ever think before, that yourself and family, way back 15 or 20 +generations in the grave, were such a lot of low-lived villyians as the +opposition papers say you be? and haint it a mistery to you that you are +allowed to go unhung? + +Did you commit the NATHAN murder? if so, why dident you call off your +_"dorg"?_ + +Do you know as much about farmin as HORRIS GREELY does? if so, who told +you? + +Are you a Fenian, Know-nothin, Mason, Anti-mason, Labor Reformer, +Anti-labor Reformer, a Chineese cooler, Anti-Chineese cooler, and the +"wickedest man in N.Y."? Are you in favor of free trade, high tariff, +free whiskey, whiskey tax, JIM FISK, MARETZEK, Tammany, the Young +Democracy, Grand Army of the Republicans, GEO. F. TRAIN, MRS. +CUNNINGHAM, and the D--l? + +In fact, like JOSEFF, have you got a cote of many cullers? + +Any candydate who can give affirmative ansers to the foregoin Catekism, +and is willin to show his _principals_ by bleedin freely, can get my +vote, sure popp. + +Ewers trooly, & I haint afrade To jine the bread & butter brigade. + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peese._ + + * * * * * + +LAST WORDS OF EMINENT MEN. + +Selected by Sarsfield Young. + +I die a true American. .............................. WM. POOLE. + +Bury me where I fall. ... BILLY BOWLEGS, and other military heroes. + +The die is _Caste_. .............................. T. W. ROBERTSON. + +Bury me where the woodbine twineth. ......... Col. JAMES FISK, Jr. + +Fools, 'od rot 'em! .............................. HIGGINBOTTOM. + +Bury me in the Fall. .............. The Poet who "would not die in +Spring-time." + +Don't give up the ship! [the Secretary-ship.] ..... CHAS. SUMNER to Sec. +STANTON. + +Bury me where I fall back. ...... Gen. O'NEILL, of the Fenian Army. + +Give me liberty, or give me death, with a decided preference for +ANASTASIA. ..................................... Poor PILLICODDY. + +Bury me in the Falls ................................ SAM PATCH. + +If any one dare haul down the American flag--wait till you see the white +of his eyes, then--shoot him on the spot. C.L. VALLANDIGHAM. + +Let BROWN (or some other first-class sexton) bury me where I fall. Capt. +KIDD. + +As I cannot lay my sword at the feet of my army, I die at the head of +your Majesty. .............................. LOUIS NAPOLEON. + + * * * * * + +A FREE TRADER. + + Now gentlemen, of every kind, + Just step into my shop, + And, as I'm hard to pacify, + You'd better bring a sop; + I'll dress you up in any style + For which you choose to call, + But then, you must bring ready cash, + Because I shines for all. + + I'm always ready for a trade, + No matter what its kind; + I'll dress you up so very neat, + If your bid suits my mind. + If, when I ask the custom house, + He says, "Give it I sha'n't," + DAVIS and FISH I strike, because + I does not shine for GRANT. + + Sometimes I send a little bill + For goods they have not had, + And if they do not pay at once + Then I gets awful mad. + Of public pap I'm very fond, + I'd like to get it all, + But, if they block my little game, + I does not shine for HALL. + + I've lampooned every decent man, + Who with me would not trade; + I keep a little book account + Of those who have not paid: + So, if you don't enjoy free trade, + Don't listen to my call; + I'll give you good names for good pay, + Because I shines for all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: When you go to the theater, it is pleasant to have the +little boy of a rustic couple persist in feeding you with gingerbread +and orange-peel, and, if you request the little wretch to keep still, to +be told by his parents that you are "putting on airs."] + + * * * * * + +THE MEDICAL CONFIDENCE GAME. + +Mr. Punchinello has lately received a medical publication, in which +there are some editorial remarks concerning the relations between +physicians and their patients. The latter are exhorted to place all +confidence in their medical advisers, for, otherwise, there can be no +harmonious action between them. This is all very well, and Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks that if anything in this world should be the subject +of sacred confidences, it should be the revelations of the sick-room. +But, after reading the reports of the various cases which are detailed +in this publication, his faith in the advisability of confiding in one's +doctor was somewhat shaken. For instance, when he read that "Miss ANNA +P-----, aged 25, of blonde complexion and apparent good health, residing +near Jefferson avenue and Sixty-eighth street, had been subject for +years to convolutions of the cerebral hemispheres, and had been obliged +at various times to submit to partial amputations of horn-like +excrescences on the divisions of her manual extremities," Mr. +PUNCHINELLO was of opinion that this young lady, who could be easily +recognized from the hints (?) of her name and residence, might possibly +object to the announcement, to all her friends and acquaintances, that +she had cerebral hemispheres, and still more to the fact that they were +convoluted. But this dreadful truth is published, under the merest film +of concealment of her identity, to the whole world, and her physical +condition and subsequent surgical treatment may be town-talk for the +rest of her life. Where is the "sacred confidence" here? + +There are dozens of similar cases in the publication referred to, and +medical journals are, in general, full of them. + +Will it therefore be wondered at if we don't want all the world to know, +every time we call in a doctor, that we may have a "parenchyma of the +lung," or a "sub-conjunctival cellular tissue," that we will begin some +day to insist as much upon medical honor as medical ability? Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks not. + + * * * * * + +"FIAT LUX." + +We learn that our Third Assistant Postmaster-General has been indisposed +for some days, owing to his excessive labor in breaking envelope +contracts. Why does the Postmaster-General allow his subordinates thus +to overwork themselves? We wish he would shed a REAY of light on the +subject. + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE AND ENDURANCE. + +When people undertake any thing in the cause of Science, or indeed in +any other cause, they might as well do their best while they have a +chance. This is an axiom of social economy which is presented, gratis, +to the world. + +Now, the three scientific men who intend passing the winter on the top +of Mount Washington, might certainly find some other manner of spending +the cold months in the interests of science which would be much more +difficult and disagreeable. They expect to be snowed up at the Tip-top +House, from December until March, and will spend their time in a room +lined with felt, where they will burn twenty tons of coal during their +sojourn. + +Almost any one could do all this. If the scientific gentlemen in +question desire to undergo some really notable hardships there are +plenty of deep lakes in New York, at the bottom of which they might +spend the winter in a diving-bell. They would probably be frozen in +until March, and they would find it much more difficult to use their +instruments, and everything far more disagreeable, generally, than in a +large room in the Tip-top House. + +Still if they would prefer something still more arduous, let them ride day +and night, from December until March, in the Third Avenue cars of this +city. If they were to do this, and confine their scientific labors to +observations of the decidedly mean altitude of the Sun, they would +probably suffer more, in a given time, than any previous party of +learned men, and thus accomplish their object much better than by +deliberately allowing themselves to be snowed up on Mount Washington. + + * * * * * + +A SURPRISING PROPHECY. + +Years ago Mr. PUNCHINELLO had a very old grandfather, and he well +remembers that on the _inside_ of the lid of a certain horse-hair trunk, +the property of that estimable old man, was pasted a bit of poetical +prophecy, the words of which embedded themselves, like the hot letters +of a branding-iron, on the tender skin of Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S mind. The +following is the prophecy: + + "Add seventy-four and 62, + And forty and 900 too; + Then, if to this sum you place + Seven hundred and an ace, + You will surely find the year + When they ought to disappear-- + Both a Certain Holy 'un + And the last NAPOLEON. + And darkness will come wholly on + The Sun. Day, natheless, will glow + Down in the regions far below." + +Now this is certainly a very astounding prophecy. If the numbers +mentioned at the beginning of the oracular ditty be added together +without using the ace, they make the year 1776. Now the value of an ace +in Seven-up (and seven is the uppermost word in the line in which our +ace occurs) is four. So four, added to the former sum, makes the year +1780. But even the first NAPOLEON had not made his appearance in this +year, and so it would seem there must be a mistake somewhere. But such +is not the case. If, after the manner of the regular prophecy-makers, we +treat this sum according to the rule of probabilities, we shall see +that, if "seventeen-eighty" will not work prophecy, we must reverse the +year and call it "eighteen-seventy." This hits the mark exactly, and +makes us tremble at the prophetic power of some of those old delvers in +the mines of dark prediction. + +For now we see plainly that not only the Pope and the ex-Emperor of +France will probably disappear this year from the scenes of their glory, +but that the Sun, over which a certain dirty mistiness has been stealing +for some time past, will be entirely shrouded in the blackness of ruin. +The lines + + "----Day, natheless, will glow + Down in the regions far below," + +doubtless refer to DANA the less, who, when his sheet is utterly +overwhelmed in its self-made oblivion, will deserve, and probably +obtain, all the brightness and warmth to which the verse refers. + +Placing this astounding prediction by the side of the amazing events of +the present year, it is impossible for Mr. PUNCHINELLO to repress his +feelings of wonder and awe! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +There is an old conundrum song that begins--"Why do summer roses fade?" +The late ARTEMUS WARD thought they did it as a matter of business. Why +do the "Two Roses" bloom? That is WALLACK'S business. Also just now it +happens to be mine. + +The modern English comedy is divided into two kinds. Everybody will +consider this statement a conundrum, and answer,--"Bad and good." +Wrong, my little dears. All your lexicographers agree that "kind" means +a "race," which is absurd, because a horse-race, for instance, is +anything but kind. But they explain by saying that it means a genus. +Good plays are not a genus. They are freaks of nature, like the woolly +horse and the sacred cow; only, when they are produced, so many people +will not pay money to see them as to see the w.h. and the s.c. + +The division of modern plays, as JONATHAN EDWARDS said wittily, in his +sparkling treatise on "The Will," is into the tame and the wild. For the +latter the recipe is simple. Take some black false beads, hatchets, +pistols, a "dog"--not a quadruped, but the article which was left in Mr. +NATHAN'S hall--a woman in black hair and a white garment, suggestive of +repose, strolling at midnight by the banks of the prattling East River, +foot of Grand Street, and set a house afire at the end of the third act. +That is the BOUCICAULT style, and as the flippant EDWARDS goes on to +observe, it draws like a factory chimney in the Bowery and at NIBLO's. + +But this sort of thing will not do at all at WALLACK'S. Of course not. +STODDART is permitted to swear there, to be sure; but I understand that +he does it for fear people should call WALLACK'S the hall of the Old +Men's Christian Association. With that exception there is, as somebody +said about something, absolutely nothing to offend the most fastidious. +Any person who exhibits excitement upon the stage is discharged at the +end of the week with a pension. Miss MOORE is permitted to weep, but she +does it so quietly and nicely that it does not disturb anybody. And the +ushers have received strict orders to eject anybody in the audience who +manifests any marked interest in the performance. A friend of mine from +Peoria once went to WALLACK'S, and took no pains whatever to conceal his +admiration of the acting. On the contrary, at a particularly nice point, +he actually clapped his hands together twice. Of course he was arrested +for breach of the peace, and locked up over night. But the management +declined, to prosecute when it was represented to them that the man had +lately seen McKEAN BUCHANAN at the Peoria Academy of Music, and that he +could not help testifying his gratification that LESTER WALLACK behaved +so differently, and he was discharged. He went back to Peoria, and told +his neighbors that there was a place in New York where they got up a +yawning match (this coarse person called it a "gaping bee") every night +between the stage and the audience, and the stage always won. + +Now we know, that is those of us who are in good society, that what this +uncouth rustic mistook for indifference is the air of society. +TALLEYRAND said, or somebody said he said, that the use of language was +to conceal thought. Go to WALLACK'S and you will see that the art of +acting is to suppress emotions. Everything is below concert-pitch, +except perhaps the orchestra, which insists upon playing lively and +popular music, instead of doing the Dead March in Saul for a funeral +procession while the audience files out dreamily to drink, and empties +some dull opiate to the drains. The entire audience are making heroic +efforts all through the play to prevent each other from seeing that they +know they are listening to the most finished acting to be seen anywhere, +and looking at the prettiest stage pictures ever set. All the actors are +all the while trying to conceal the fact that they are doing any good +acting. The whole theatre is in a condition of sweet repose, like the +placid bosom of a mill-pond on a summer afternoon, when STODDART shoots +the Dam. + +Well, when you have society theatres, where they do this sort of thing, +you must have society plays. The recipe for these is different from the +gallon of gore and the ton of thunder which make up the other sort. You +must have your actors representing people who are always bored to death, +if you wish to maintain the respect and patronage of a society audience, +whose ambition is to seem to be always bored to death in real life. You +must have what the sweet but-not exemplary SWINBURNE calls "the lilies +and languors of virtue" at WALLACK'S, to balance "the raptures and roses +of vice" which you get at the sensational shops. People may fall in +love, in a mild way, as they do in society, but they must not undergo +the ravages of that passion, as it is exhibited out of society. They +are, so to speak, vaccinated for love, and they are safe from the +virulent confluent or even the varioloid type of the original malady. +They may also transact business, of a high-toned sort, and sometimes +they get out of temper. But their main employment is to wander about and +yawn, or to sit down and sneer. + +There is a laborious lunatic who makes ice at the fair of the American +Institute, with the thermometer at 80° or so in the shade. (Note to +Editor.--I don't know the man from ADAM, and have received no +consideration from him whatever for this allusion,) I believe his ice +costs this ingenious individual about four dollars per pound to +make--but no matter. Well, this is exactly the trick by which you make +society plays. ROBERTSON does it to perfection. He is the patent +refrigerator. And the man who did "The Two Roses" has plagiarized his +process and reproduced his results. I don't know whether the idea is to +interest people in what is uninteresting, or to uninterest people in +what is interesting. But he does both. + +Perhaps, however, some absurd person would like to know something about +this play. There is a commercial traveller in it, who is taken, +by-the-by, bodily and even to his checked trousers, out of one of +ROBERTSON'S plays. The only addition that has been made is that this one +swears. But then STODDART personates him. This commercial traveller has +a wife. To whom, by-the-by, did it ever occur, before the author of this +play, that commercial travellers could have wives? The wife of this +itinerant commercial person is a stationary commercial person, who keeps +a boarding-house which the youths, the heroes of the play, have the +misery to inhabit. All this is undeniably low for WALLACK'S, and the +sales-ladies in the audience express their sense of that fact by +intimating that EFFIE GERMON'S jewels are not real, and the +sales-gentlemen by confiding to one another at the bar, whither they +wend after the second act to quaff the maddening sarsaparilla, that +WALLACK'S is running down. + +As I have abused several revered institutions in these few lines. I +will, in terror of public opinion and private wrath, execute a small +variation on my usual and familiar autograph, and sign myself + +PICADOR. + + * * * * * + +VORACIOUS VEGETATION. + +It appears that our ever-active Park Commissioners are making vigorous +efforts to establish a Zoological Garden in Central Park. It has been +generally supposed that gardens were either horticultural or +agricultural; but if the Commissioners can get up anything of the kind +which shall be zoological, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has not the least objection +in the world. He supposes that in such a garden the principal plants +will be Tiger-lilies, Cock's-combs, Larkspurs, Ragged Robins, +Coltsfoots, Horse-chestnuts, Goose-berries, Dandelions, Foxgloves, and +Dog-wood. If full crops are desired, a good many pigeons and chickens +should be kept on the grounds, and that portion of the gardens devoted +to leg-uminous products will probably be occupied by storks and +giraffes. + + * * * * * + +Q. + +Is it likely that a set of Chinese gardeners would be able to mind, at +the same time, both their Peas and their Queues? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ENGLISH GRAMMAR INCLUDED." + +_1st Young Gentleman_. "I TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S AWFUL HARD TO GET ANYTHING +TO DO, JUST NOW." + +_2d ditto_. "THAT'S SO. I SEEN AN ADVERTISEMENT YESTERDAY FOR A TUTOR IN +A FAMILY, AND I'VE JUST BIN AND WROTE AN ANSWER."] + + * * * * * + +THE QUEUE-RIOUS FUTURE. + +Of all the queues which any man or any nation ever gave to another, the +Chinese have supplied us with the most queue-rious. The arrived man from +that celestial part of the world, who is now so industriously engaged +washing for us in New Jersey, and again, making our shoes in +Massachusetts, and who proposes to be our dairymaid, our chambermaid, +our barmaid, and, if BARNUM will go into the humbug business again, our +mermaid, brought the queue on the back of his head when he crossed the +Pacific Ocean, and landed on the coast of California. Thence he conveyed +it across the Plains, and now our mothers are going back to _two_ queues +such as those they wore when the roses which bloomed upon their cheeks +were not produced by rouge, and to comprehend the lessons in the +school-books which they carried was the severest trial which they knew, +except, indeed, the restrained desire to get married. And our fathers +will wear one tail, as did their ancestors, who curled those appendages +gracefully around the limbs of the trees while they played base-ball +with cocoanuts, or visited in that nimble manner in which none other +than monkeys are capable of moving about. Our great American +agriculturist, too, who has ploughed so deeply in the _Tribune_ office, +is going to look like a Chinese; and she, who has given us our Caudle +lectures now for many years past, will exhibit ANNA DICKINSON as a +convert to two tails. Next, he who serves up for us our religion every +once a week in the form of sanctimonious speeches on the subject of +political economy, will let his congregation go behind Plymouth Pulpit +for the purpose of getting their queues for the next Sunday love-feast +by observing his. The "long" and the "short" of the new vanity, however, +will be found in fullest perfection among the bully-bears in Wall +street, who, of all other honest men, are best able to teach the rising +generation the significance of "heads I win, tails you lose." Then, +again, in the far future perhaps some industrious antiquary will exhume +an awful tail of the present generation that was invented by Mrs. H.B. +STOWE, when she looked across the Atlantic Ocean, and interviewed the +ghost of BYRON. The future is going to be glorious and queue-rious for +all who wish to up-braid, and when our fathers pass us, and we see their +heads, we will be convinced that thereby hangs a tail; also, when our +mothers' heads go by, that thereby hang two tails. + + * * * * * + +AN ODE-IOUS SUGGESTION. + +Swinburne has written an ode to the French Republic. This lofty rhyme is +built up of strophes, anti-strophes, and an epode. In its construction, +and grandiloquence are thrown about with the careless disregard for +innocent passers-by which characterizes that poet's freedom of style. +Most probably no sane English-speaking person has read it through and +preserved his sanity. The poet's idea in writing it was to get the +French engaged in trying to understand it, and the Germans to engage in +translating it, and thus stop the war by pure exhaustion of the +combatants. The idea was good, but hardly practical. + + * * * * * + +SOCIAL SCIENCE BY TELEGRAPH. + +The right of an independent Briton to beat his wife without being liable +to impertinent foreign interference is well known to be one of the most +precious privileges inherited from Magna Charta. The national use of +this privilege is now generally considered, by social philosophers, to +be the foundation of the love of "fair play," so universally +characteristic of the English. It is only upon this ground that we can +account for the following item recently telegraphed from London as a +_special to the N. Y. Times_. + +"It is curious to see that, while the married men of the city are +against interference, all military and naval men are loud in expressions +of indignation because no effort is made by England to save France from +ruin." + +As we see it, this is not curious at all. To the comprehensive English +mind, the war in Europe is a mere family quarrel, on a large scale. But +what is really curious the special does not tell us. What position do +the military and naval men take who happen to be married? + + * * * * * + +A GROWL FROM A BRITON. + +Mr. Punchinello:--One of the balloon reporters from Paris says: + +"Great care is taken to save food from waste. There is much horse-flesh +eaten." + +For a Frenchman in a state of siege horse-flesh is all right--the French +eat frogs, you know, and horses have frogs in their feet. What I like +about the thing in Paris, though, is that they _call_ it horse-flesh, +and don't try to jerk it on a fellow for beef. Jerked beef is bad +enough, but only think of jerked horse, by Jove, you know! + +Now I want to say that here in New York, not being in a state of siege, +we are eating a lot more horse-flesh than we know of, all the same--but +they call it beef. + +Look here, now. + +I take my grub, sometimes (only for the sake of seeing life, you know), +at a decent sort of a place enough, to which butchers resort. There is a +man always to be seen there at grub time, a cockish-looking fellow, +somewhat, with a horse-shoe pin in his scarf, and he is as thick as +thieves with the butchers. Yesterday, for the first time, I got an +inkling of who and what he is. I saw him performing an operation upon a +horse, in the yard of a livery stable. He is a VETERINARY SURGEON! He +consorts with BUTCHERS! Put that and that together, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and +see what you can make of it. And the duffer always eats mutton, too, or +fish. I never yet heard him call for beef. He knows all about nag, and +likes it alive, but he is not to be nagged into eating it. Neigh! neigh! + +Yours, irascibly, + +YORKSHIRE-PUDDINGHEAD. + + * * * * * + +DEAD BEATS. Muffled drums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO, | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | + | FULL REGULAR MAKES, | + | From 35 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | GENTLEMEN'S HALF HOSE, | + | EXTRA QUALITY, | + | 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | LARGE LINES OF | + | Ladies' and Gentlemen's | + | Silk and Merino Underwear. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Grand Exposition. | + | | + | A. T. 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LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | It's DRAWINGS-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express | + | Trains, running through to Cincinnati without chance, are | + | the most elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this | + | country, being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and | + | having every modern improvement introduced for the comfort | + | of its patrons; running upon the BROAD GUAGE; revealing | + | scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and | + | rendering a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and | + | pleasures of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway, 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, 10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50 for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box, 2788, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. 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