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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/10091-0.txt b/10091-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2537670 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2226 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10091 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + |to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen Manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. II. No. 31. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +As an Adaptation of the Original English version, was concluded in the +last Number. The remaining portion will be continued as Original. + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +Commencing with Number 30. + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO--the | + | only first-class, original, illustrated, | + | humorous and satirical weekly paper | + | published in this country--ending with | + | No. 26, September 24, 1870, | + | | + | Bound in Extra Cloth, | + | | + | is now ready for delivery, | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United | + | States on receipt of price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from | + | October 1st, No. 27, and the Bound | + | Volume (the latter prepaid), will be sent | + | to any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three | + | Bound Volumes, with an extra copy of | + | Bound Volume, to any person sending | + | us three subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, | + | with a fine chromo premium, | + | for..... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, | + | as the paper is electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Saleable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in | + | Post Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper | + | everywhere. 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Letters of inquiry on | + | any point of interest within the scope of the Journal will | + | receive prompt attention. | + | | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | + | DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | + | | + | Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per | + | number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 _Broome Street, New York_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEORGE WEVILL, | + | | + | WOOD ENGRAVER, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer; | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXV. + +THE SKELETON IS MCLAUGHLIN'S CLOSET. + +Night, spotted with stars, like a black leopard, crouched once more upon +Bumsteadville, and her one eye to be seen in profile, the moon, glared +upon the helpless place with something of a cat's nocturnal stare of +glassy vision for a stupefied mouse. Midnight had come with its twelve +tinkling drops more of opiate, to deepen the stupor of all things almost +unto death, and still the light shone luridly through the +window-curtains of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, and still the lonely musician +sat stiffly at a dinner-table spread for three, whereof only a goblet, a +curious antique black bottle, a bowl of sugar, a saucer of lemon-slices, +a decanter of water, and a saucer of cloves appeared to have been used +by the solitary diner. + +Unconscious that, through the door ajar at his back, a pair of vigilant +human orbs were upon him, the ritualistic organist, who was in very low +spirits, drew an emaciated and rather unsteady hand repeatedly across +his perspiring brow, and talked in deep bass to himself. + +"He came in, af'r' bein' brisgly walked up'n-down the turnpike by +PENDRAGON, and slammed himself down-'n-that-chair," ran the soliloquy, +with a ghostly nod towards an opposite chair, drawn back from the table. +"'Inebrious boy!' says I, sternly, 'how-are-y'-now?' He said +'Poorawell;' 'n' wen' down on-er-floor fas'hleep! I w's +scan'l'ized.--Whowoonbe?--I took m' umbrella 'n' thrashed 'm with it, +remarking 'F'shame! waygup! mis'able boy! 's poorysight-f'r-'nuncle-t' +see-'s-nephew-'n-this-p'litical-c'ndit'n.'--H'slep on; 'n' 't last I +picked up him, 'n' umbrella, 'n' took 'm out t' some cool place +t'shleep't off. _Where'd'_ I take him? Thashwazmarrer--_where'd'_ I +leave'm?" + +Repeating this question to himself, with an almost frenzied intensity, +the gloomy victim of a treacherous memory threw an unearthly stare of +bloodshot questioning all over the room, and, after a swaying motion or +two of the upper half of his body, pitched forward, with his forehead +crashing upon the table. Instantly recovering himself, and starting to +rub his head, he as suddenly checked that palliative process by a wild +run to his feet and a hideous bellow. + +"_I r'memb'r, now!_" he ejaculated, walking excitedly at a series of +obtuse angles all over the apartment. + +"Got-'t-knockedinto-m'-head-'t-last. Pauper bur'l ground--J. +M'GLAUGHLIN. Down'n cellar--cool placefa' man's tight--lef' m' umbrella +there by m'stake--go'n' get't thishmin't--" + +Managing, after several inaccurate aims at the doorway, to plunge into +the adjacent bedroom, he presently reappeared from thence, veering +hard-aport, with a lighted lantern in his right hand. Then, circuitously +approaching the neglected dining-table, he grasped with his disengaged +digits at the antique black bottle, missed it, went all the way around +the board before he could stop himself, clutched and missed again, went +clear around once more, and finally effected the capture. "Th 'peared t' +be two," he muttered, placing the prize in one of his pockets; and, with +a triumphant stride, made for the half-open hall-door through which the +eyes had been watching him. + +The owner of those eyes, and of a surprising head of florid hair, had +barely time to draw back into the shadow of the corridor and notice an +approaching face like that of one walking in his sleep, when the +clove-eater swung disjointedly by him, with jingling lantern, and went +fiercely bumping down the stairway. Closely, without sound, followed the +watcher, and the two, like man and shadow, went out from the house into +the quarry of the moon-eyed black leopard. + +Fully bound now in the sinister spell of the spice of the Molucca +islands, Mr. BUMSTEAD had regained that condition of his duplex +existence to which belonged the disposition he had made of his lethargic +nephew and alpaca umbrella on that confused Christmas night; and with +such realization of a distinct duality came back to him at least a +partial recollection of where he had put the cherished two. Finding Mr. +E. DROOD rather overcome by the more festive features of the +meal,--notwithstanding his walk at midnight with Mr. PENDRAGON,--he had +allowed his avuncular displeasure thereat to betray itself in a +threshing administered with the umbrella. Observing that the young man +still slept beside the chair from which he fell, he had ultimately, and +with the umbrella still under his arm raised the dishevelled nephew +head-downward in his arms, and impatiently conveyed him from the heated +room and house to the coolest retreat he could think of. There +depositing him, and, in his hurry, the umbrella also, to sleep off, +under reviving atmospheric influences, the unseemly effect of the +evening's banquet, he had gone back on both sides of the road to his +boarding-house, and, with his boots upon the pillow, sunk into an +instantaneous sleep of unfathomable depth. Dreaming, towards morning, +that he was engaging a large boa-constrictor in single combat, and +struggling energetically to restrain the ferocious reptile from getting +into his boots, he had suddenly awakened, with a crash, upon the +floor--to miss his umbrella and nephew, to forget where he had put them, +and to fly to Gospeler's Gulch with incoherent charges of larceny and +manslaughter. All this he could now vaguely recall, his present +psychological condition, or trance-state, being the same as then; and +was going entrancedly back to the hiding-place where, with the best of +motives, he had forgetfully left the two objects dearest to him in life. + +On, then, proceeded the Ritualistic organist in the tawny light of the +black leopard's eye: his stealthy follower trailing closely after in the +shade of the roadside trees where the star-spotted leopard's black paws +were plunged deepest. On he went, in zig-zag profusion of steps and +occasional high skips over incidental shadows of branches which he for +snakes, until the Pauper Burial Ground was reached, and MCLAUGHLIN'S +hidden subterranean retreat therein attained. It was the same weird spot +to which he had been brought by Old MORTARITY on the wintry night of +their unholy exploring party; and, without appearing to be surprised +that the entrance to the excavation was open, he eagerly descended by +the rickety step-ladder, and held himself steady by the latter while +throwing the light of his lantern around the mouldy walls. + +His immediate hiccup, provoked by the dampness of the situation, was +answered by a groan, which, instead of being solid, was very hollow; +and, as he peered vivaciously forward behind his extended lantern, there +advanced from a far corner--O, woeful man! O, thrice unhappy uncle!--the +spectral figure of the missing EDWIN DROOD! + +After a moment's inspection of the apparition, which paused terribly +before him with hand hidden in breast, Mr. BUMSTEAD placed his lantern +upon a step of the ladder, drew and profoundly labiated his antique +black bottle, thoughtfully crunched a couple of cloves from another +pocket--staring stonily all the while--and then addressed the youthful +shade:-- + +"Where's th' umbrella?" + +"Monster of forgetfulness! murderer of memory!" spoke the spirit, +sternly. "In this, the last rough resting place of the impecunious dead, +do you dare to discuss commonplace topics with one of the departed? Look +at me, uncle, clove-befogged, and shrink appalled from the dread sight, +and pray for mercy." + +"Ishthis prop'r language t' address-t'-y'r-relative?" inquired Mr. +BUMSTEAD, in a severely reproachful manner. + +"Relative!" repeated the apparition, sepulchrally. "What sort of +relative is he, who, when his sister's orphaned son is sleeping at his +feet, conveys the unconscious orphan, head downward, through a midnight +tempest, to a place like this, and leaves him here, and then forgets +where he has put him?" + +"I give't up," said the organist, after a moment's consideration. + +"The answer is: he's a dead-beat." continued the young ghost, losing his +temper. "And what, JOHN BUMSTEAD, did you do with my oroide watch and +other jewels?" + +"Musht've spilt'm on the road here," returned the musing uncle, faintly +remembering that they had been found upon the turnpike, shortly after +Christmas, by Gospeler SIMPSON. "Are you dead, EDWIN?" + +"Did you not bury me here alive, and close the opening to my tomb, and +go away and charge everybody with my murder?" asked the spectre, +bitterly. "O, uncle, hard of head and paralyzed in recollection! is it +any good excuse for sacrificing my poor life, that, in your cloven +state, you put me down a cellar, like a pan of milk, and then could not +remember where you'd put me? And was it noble, then, to go to her whom +you supposed had been my chosen bride, and offer wedlock to her on your +own account?" + +"I was acting as y'r-executor, EDWIN," explained the uncle. "I did +ev'thing forth' besht." + +"And does the sight of me fill you with no terror, no remorse, unfeeling +man?" groaned the ghost. + +"Yeshir," answered Mr. BUMSTEAD, with sudden energy. "Yeshir. I'm +r'morseful on 'count of th' umbrella. Who-d'-y'-lend-'t-to?" + +It is an intellectual characteristic of the more advanced degrees of the +clove-trance, that, while the tranced individual can perceive objects, +even to occasional duplexity, and hear remarks more or less distinctly, +neither objects nor remarks are positively associated by him with any +perspicuous idea. Thus, while the Ritualistic organist had a blurred +perception of his nephew's conversational remains, and was dimly +conscious that the tone of the supernatural remarks addressed to himself +was not wholly congratulatory, he still presented a physical and moral +aspect of dense insensibility. + +Momentarily nonplussed by such unheard-of calmness under a ghostly +visitation, the apparition, without changing position, allowed itself to +roll one inquiring eye towards the opening above the step-ladder, where +the moonlight revealed an attentive head of red hair. Catching the +glance, the head allowed a hand belonging to it to appear at the opening +and motion downward. + +"Look there, then," said the intelligent ghost to its uncle, pointing to +the ground near its feet. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD, rousing from a brief doze, glanced indifferently towards +the spot indicated; but, in another instant, was on his knees beside the +undefined object he there beheld. A keen, breathless scrutiny, a +frenzied clutch with both hands, and then he was upon his feet again, +holding close to the lantern the thing he had found. + +The barred light shone on a musty skeleton, to which still clung a few +mouldy shreds left by the rats; and only the celebrated bone handle +identified it as what had once been the maddened finder's idolized +Alpaca Umbrella. + +"Aha!" twitted the apparition, "then you have some heart left, JOHN +BUMSTEAD?" + +"Heart!" moaned the distracted organist, fairly kissing the dear +remains, and restored to perfect speech and comprehension by the awful +shock. "I had one, but it is broken now!--Allie, my long-lost Allie!" he +continued, tenderly apostrophizing the skeleton, "do we meet thus at +last again?-- + + 'What thought is folded in thy leaves! + What tender thought, what speechless pain! + I hold thy faded lips to mine, + Thou darling of the April rain!' + +Where is thine old familiar alpaca dress, my Allie? Where is the canopy +that has so often sheltered thy poor master's head from the storm? Gone! +gone! and through my own forgetfulness!" + +"And have you no thought for your nephew?" asked the persevering +apparition, hoarsely. + +"Not under the present circumstances," retorted the mourner; he and the +ghost both coughing with the colds which they had taken from standing +still so long in such a damp place--"not under the present +circumstances," he repeated, wildly, making a fierce pass at the spectre +with the skeleton, and then dropping the latter to the ground in +nerveless despair. "To a single man, his umbrella is wife, mother, +sister, venerable maiden aunt from the country--all in one. In losing +mine, I've lost my whole family, and want to hear no more about +relatives. Good night, sir." + +"Here! hold on! Can't you leave the lantern for a moment?" cried the +ghost. But the heart-stricken Ritualist had swarmed up the ladder and +was gone. + +Then, going up too, the spectre appeared also unto two other men, who +crawled from behind pauper headstones at his summons; the face of the +one being that of J. MCLAUGHLIN, that of the other Mr. TRACY CLEWS. And +the spectre walked between these two, carrying Mr. BUMSTEAD'S skeleton +in its hand.[1] + + +[Footnote 1: The _cut_ accompanying the above chapter is from the +illustrated title-page of the English monthly numbers of "The Mystery of +Edwin Drood;"--in which it is the last of a series of border-vignettes; +--and plainly shows that it was the author's intention to bring back +his hero a living man before the conclusion of the story.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Bibo_.--Is there a champagne wine having the flavor of gun-flints? + +_Answer_.--The wine made at Pierry, in the Champagne country, is said by +connoisseurs to be so flavored. There is much alarm now among the +wine-growers, however, lest the next vintage may have a flavor of +percussion-caps instead, owing to the war and the modern weapons. + +_Plantagenet de Vere_.--Would you believe a person named JONES on his +oath? + +_Answer_.--We would not. + +_Smike_. We read of houses being "gutted" by the Prussian soldiers; have +houses entrails, then? + +_Answer_.--All occupied houses have livers, and most houses have lights. + +_M. T. Head_.--We cannot pay strangers in advance for contributions that +have not been sent in by them. + +_Icarus_.--What do the balloon scouts of Paris use for ballast? + +_Answer_.--Bundles of newspapers, chiefly. Immense bales of the unsold +copies of the New York _Free Press_ are now exported for the purpose. +They are preferred to any other papers because, when placed anywhere in +the balloon, they Lie so, and, having already fallen from grace, falling +from a balloon is nothing to them. + +_Taxidermist_.--What is the best material for stuffing ballot-boxes +with? + +_Answer_.--Greenbacks. + +_Leatherhead_.--Is it true that most of the prominent men of +England--"TOM BROWN" HUGHES, for instance--are proficient pugilists? + +_Answer_.--We have never seen "TOM BROWN" spar, but we have often seen +JOHN STUART Mill. + +_Abby Gansevoort_.--No, my dear, your name does not occur in any of +SHAKESPEARE'S plays. + +_Figdrum_.--Born to the drudgery of commerce, I aspire to literature: +what am I to do to see my name in print? + +_Answer_.--Put it in the City Directory. + +_Voice-in-the-Fog_.--Why is it that all the queer isms of the day, such +as socialism, are more cultivated by Red Republicans than by any other +political sect? + +_Answer_.--Red, as artists well know, is the complementary or opposite +color to green. The social phenomenon to which you refer, then, may be +accounted for on the principle that extremes meet. + +_Clericus_.--Is it proper for me, as a clergyman, to wear moustaches? + +_Answer_.--Quite so, unless they are red, in which case they might +interfere with your published sermons. + +_Astrolabe_.--What is the exact distance between the Dog Star and +Roxbury, Mass.? + +_Answer_.--We do not know. PUNCHINELLO is not a Sirius journal. + +_Juniper Byles_.--My rent has just been raised, and I have had a +curtain-lecture from my wife for swearing about it. Would not you swear +if your rent was raised? + +_Answer_.--Certainly not--at least not if it was raised by benevolent +subscription. + + * * * * * + +AN ACQUAINTANCE. + +_Tom_.--"I say, JACK, what a beautiful complexion Miss SMITH has. Do you +know her?" + +_Jack_.--"No, but I know a girl who buys her complexion at the same +store at which Miss SMITH buys hers." + + * * * * * + +"CUM GRANO SALIS."--Musk-melon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HORSE-CAR CONTINGENCY. + +Gallant Tar (To horrified lady of uncertain age), "BELAY THERE, OLD +WOMAN! TAKE THIS SEAT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +PARIS, FOURTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +Dear Punchinello: You may not have heard that BISMARCK has been here, +had an interview with FAVRE, and is off again. I didn't suppose you +would know it, so I hasten to give you and your army of readers a brief +synopsis of what took place, as nearly as I can in the exact language +used by the distinguished diplomats upon the occasion. + +The scene of the consultation was one of the Imperial wine-cellars under +that pavilion of the Tuileries palace which overlooks the Seine at the +southwestern extremity of the _Place du Carrousel_. The spot was +selected for two reasons: it was far removed from the noise and hubbub +of the city, and it furnished facilities for "liquoring up" in case of +necessity. I was there and left, as you will see, under circumstances +calculated to give me a lasting impression of the event. We all three of +us sat around a pine table, upon which faintly flickered a tallow candle +in a soda-water bottle, that shed around a sickly glare (that is to say, +the candle did). BISMARCK looked a little the worse for wear, I thought, +and, as he unbuttoned his vest with a grunt of relief, he struck me +likewise as being rather short in his wind. + +FAVRE was loose and frisky as a four weeks old kitten, and spoke with a +quick, decided tone that reminded me of HORACE GREELEY. He never once +swore, however, during the whole interview. Your readers will observe +that even if this momentous meeting was not marked by the usual +diplomatic usages, the language is strictly according to the usual +diplomatic idiom. It is important to note this fact, as everything +hinges on the "idiom." + +BISMARCK was the first to break silence: + +"The difficulties which embarrass the questions under discussion stand +first in the order of elimination." + +FAVRE assented, and BISMARCK continued: "We must remove the peritoneum +to get at the viscera of the issues (I was much struck with the force +and originality of this method of putting it), and evict those +impressions which are purely matters of national sensibility." + +I snuffed the candle and waited for FAVRE. + +FAVRE: "Your Excellency abounds in subtle diagnoses." + +BISMARCK: "It is not a question of noses." + +FAVRE: "Your Excellency mistakes me. I meant to say that, like the +'Heathen Chinee,' your ways are dark." + +I moved the light closer to the Count. FAVRE only smiled. + +BISMARCK: "Touching 'rectification,' then, Germany sticks to her +position." + +I regarded this as an insinuation that somebody was "stuck." + +FAVRE: "France adheres unalterably to her previous resolution. National +traditions, deeply interwoven with the fine fibre of individual natures, +forbid the relaxation of tissues logically irresistible." + +A smile of triumph flitted faintly o'er the features of the Frenchman. +He evidently thought he had made a "ten strike." I whispered +approvingly, "_Tres bien, Monsieur, tres bien!_" + +BISMARCK: "Does the German heart yearn for the Rhine? Does it yearn for +Strasbourg? Does it yearn for Metz? and if not, what does it yearn for?" + +He was looking straight at me when he said this, and so I answered +"Bier." + +A dark scowl flitted frantically over the features of the German, but he +went right on: "Are all the longings of all these years, dating from the +birth of CHARLEMAGNE and extending through GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS to +FREDERICK the Great and WILLIAM the First, by his father on his maternal +grandmother's side, who lies in the iron coffin of the _domkirche_ at +Potsdam, whence we derive the consolidated grandeur of HOHENZOLLERN +mingling its rich ancestral dyes with the dark woof of fate to dispel +the expanding dream of German aspiration?" + +I had not time to witness the effect upon FAVRE, but, gasping for +breath, I started from my seat and uttered these words, which I +remembered to have read in a German-English libretto of MARIE STUART: +"_Mein Gott, ich kenne eures Eifers reinen Trieb, Weiss, dass gediegne +Weissheit aus Euch redet!_" + +It did not matter to me that FAVRE lay swooning on the floor. That the +Count glared at me savagely and crunched his jaws with maniacal energy. +My knowledge of German was up. It had caught the fierce impulse, the +majestic sweep of his ponderous linguosity. I remembered another +sentence, and hurled it wildly at him: "_Bei Gott, Du wirst, ich hoff's, +noch viele Jahre auf ihrem Grabe wandeln, ohne dass du selber sie +hinabzustürzen brauchtest!_" + +Again I looked at the Count. His jaw had ceased working, and the +expression of his eye had changed. His arm moved furtively beneath the +table. What could he be doing? Horrible moment of uncertainty. Still the +arm worked, as if tugging at something. I could stand it no longer. +Seizing the soda-water bottle, I stooped to cast the rays of the +sixpenny dip beneath the table. As I did so, a boot-heel flashed in the +air, the Count's arm descended with a terrific detonation, and I saw no +more. + +(Interval of twenty-four hours.) + +The result of the interview will be communicated to the American public +by a Tribune special, as soon as a carrier-pigeon can reach SMALLEY at +London. I am still suffering from a sensation of having been recently +hit, + +DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +ASPIRATION. + +Of all sorts of people in the world, the Cockney has the queerest +notions about vegetable nature. Show him the first letter of the +alphabet, for instance, and he pronounces it "hay." + + + * * * * * + +APPARENTLY ANOMALOUS. + +Should the Prussians ever succeed in entering Paris, it is hardly +possible that they can be well received by the citizens, whether they +find FAVRE there or not. + + * * * * * + +OUR PRIVATE GALLERIES. + +The Belmont Collection. + +This admirable gallery includes among its treasures many of the old +masters and-when open for exhibition--a bewildering collection of young +nurses. The latter are frequently inaccurate in anatomical details, but +in point of brilliancy of color they far outshine the best efforts of +RUBENS and TITIAN. The flesh tints produced by many of our Fifth Avenue +belles infinitely surpass the obsolete tints upon which the great +Venetians used to pride themselves. + +In Mr. BELMONT'S gallery there are so many original RAPHAELS and +MURILLOS, painted by the very best European artists of the present day, +that it would occupy far too much of our limited space were we to notice +them in detail. We will therefore pass them by, and simply call +attention to some of the more noteworthy pictures, executed by +contemporary painters, which hang side by side with the more smoky but +hardly less valuable works of antiquity. Prominent among these is a +modest little "Fruit and Flower" piece, by that promising young artist, +Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY. It deserves especial praise for its accurate +copying of nature, the varied beauty of its coloring, and the deep +longing of the heart--the hunger of the soul--which must have inspired +the fair artist. We give a faithful sketch of this charming picture, +though, of course, the glories of its rainbow hues cannot be represented +here. + +[Illustration: FRUIT AND FLOWER PIECE.] + +A beautiful work, and one evidently inspired by the sound of battle, is +the noble historical painting entitled "On Picket," by Mr. C.A. DANA, +Associate Artist National Academy of Velocipedestrianism. The artist has +produced a picture that must inspire us all with the absolute truth of +the story it so dramatically tells, while he has filled our hearts with +deep sympathy and lofty admiration for the lovely and heroic combatant +depicted on his canvas. Our army officers--Col. FISK for example--who +are ignorant of the sword exercise may derive a hint from this spirited +work, as to the importance of obtaining a thorough mastery of the fence. + +[Illustration] + +Claude's renowned landscape of the "Ruined Mill" is familiar to all who +are acquainted with it, and has been greatly admired by those who did +not feel impelled to condemn its many faults. But CLAUDE is now known to +have been no artist, but a mere pretender. There is reason to believe +that he had never read RUSKIN, and was hence necessarily ignorant of the +aim and method of landscape painting. Our young friend BROWN, the +_spirituel_ and fascinating assistant Rector of a fashionable uptown +church, has in this gallery a rendering of a similar subject. How +manifest is his superiority to CLAUDE! With what truth and fidelity to +nature; with what holy calm, and child-like faith, and lofty aspiration +has BROWN filled his glowing canvas! And withal, he does not lead us +back to the dead faith and traditions of the past, save to urge us +onward in the pathway of--in the pathway--in short, to urge us on more +or less. To those envious minds who affect to regard BROWN as a mere +amateur, an undertaker of more than he has the ability to execute, we +would deign but one reply, and that would be, "Look at his trees in the +picture called the 'Ruins of the Mill,' and then cower back into your +native insignificance." + +[Illustration: RUINS OF A MILL.] + +There are many other pictures which we would like to notice in this +article, but want of space will forbid us to do so this week. We have +merely room to mention, with warm approbation, the exceedingly dramatic +little _genre_ picture entitled "Shoo-fly," by the veteran Minstrel, Mr. +DANIEL BRYANT, whose recent translation of HOMER has given him so high a +rank among the best German scholars of the day. + +[Illustration: SHOE FLY!] + + * * * * * + +RULES AND MAXIMS. + +How they change! ESCULAPIUS now gives to us and our children, as +_medicine_, what he denounced to the last generation as "_pizen_." The +heresy of yesterday is the orthodoxy of to-day. + +Thus the philosophy of those who are _under_ the turf is refuted by +those who are _on_ the turf. It used to be said in regard to horses:-- + + "One white foot, buy him, + "Two white feet, try him, + "Three white feet, deny him, + "Four white feet and a white nose, + "Take off his shoes and give him to the crows." + +But the advent of DEXTER has changed the sinister rhyme to:-- + + One white foot, spy him, + Two white feet, try him, + Three white feet, buy him, + Four white feet and a white nose, + And a mile in 2-17 he goes. + + * * * * * + +RIGHT TO THE SPOT. + +Additional spots on the disk of the sun are reported. An ingenious +writer, who candidly states that he is not an astronomer, accounts for +them by suggesting that they are caused by stray shots from the Prussian +sharpshooters who tried to bring down GAMBETTA'S balloon. + + * * * * * + +A QUERY FOR STEEPLE-CHASERS. + +We hear a great deal about "featherweights" in connection with racing. +If there _are_ such things as feather weights, why on earth don't the +managers of Jerome Park races stuff the steeple-chase jockeys with them, +to prevent them from being injured by such accidents as happened there +on the opening day of the Autumn meeting? + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO VIII. + + JACK SPRAT could eat no fat, + His wife could eat no lean; + And so between them both, + They licked the platter clean. + +JACK SPRAT was a near neighbor to the Poet. He was a remarkably delicate +man, cadaverous and thin. A dyspeptic, always ailing, he was a subject +of pity for his friends, and of wonder to his acquaintances. But behold +the eternal fitness of things. Providence blessed him with a wife, his +opposite in every respect. When extremes meet, a perfect whole is the +result; and in this case it was a perfect marriage, fit to be sung by +poets and embalmed in verse. + +When JACK SPRAT met SALLY STUBBS, at a husking party, she took his eye, +and kept it. She filled his heart completely. A rosy-cheeked, buxom +lass, healthy and hearty, dimples and dumplings combined, she captivated +and carried, by sheer force of weight, the delicate soul of poor JACK. + +It was a case of latitude against longitude; strength against weakness, +smiles against tears, laughter against groans. And so the poor fellow, +feeling an unacknowledged desire to find some one able to support and +protect him, yielded to the advice of his friends and his own +inclinations, and laid his attenuated hand, with his poor little heart +in it, at the fat feet of fair SALLY STUBBS. + +He was smiled upon, broad-grinned upon, and accepted; and thereby +rendered for the nonce the happiest of men. Tradition has it that the +next day he actually ate a hearty dinner, and did not complain of his +digestion immediately after. But this is considered doubtful by many. + +Fair SALLY, overflowing with the milk of human kindness, and yearning in +her soul to bestow her attentions and corporosity upon JACK'S +attenuosity, urged matters onward, and the wedding day was fixed, the +ring bought, and delicate Mr. SPRAT was led to the altar like a sheep to +the slaughter. + +Tremblingly he advanced up the aisle of the village church, leading his +blushing and waddling bride, and took his place, looking like an +exclamation point alongside a parenthesis, before the black-robed +Priest, who speedily put an end to Miss STUBBS, and presented JACK with +a female SPRAT. + +Mrs. SPRAT blushed like a full-blown peony as JACK manfully and +courageously saluted her upon one rosy cheek, in the presence of the +assembled guests, and then, to cover her confusion, she giggled and +shook hands energetically with the company, telling JACK to "hold up his +head and do the same, for it was _com eel fut_, and he must try to be +fashionable at his own wedding." + +The Bride carried off the honors manfully, and after the first few +moments recovered from her embarrassment, and appeared as much at ease +as if getting married was an every-day affair, not worth minding. JACK +couldn't get over it so readily, and his teeth chattered till late in +the night. But they stopped after a while; so I am told. + +We pass over the first few days devoted to honey-mooning, and look in +upon them as they sit at dinner. He with his greyhound and she with her +cat, both animals attentively watching each morsel that disappears from +their longing gaze into the capacious mouth of master or mistress. +Notice with what dexterity and generosity Mr. SPRAT selects the fattest +parts and skilfully conveys them to Madam's plate, reserving the lean +for himself; occasionally throwing a bone to his dog, while the lady now +and then bestows a fat bit upon Puss, who slowly licks her lips and +winks for more. It is a cozy scene of quiet domestic bliss, and so +continues till the platter is empty; when, both feeling satisfied for +the time, they lean back in their respective chairs, and gaze +complacently upon their pets, each other, and the empty dishes. + +Their wonderful congeniality and quiet happiness became the subject of +wonder to their friends, and of comment and speculation to the village +gossips. Her oleaginous and feather-bed-like disposition compelled peace, +as oil upon the waves, and shed trouble as a duck sheds water. JACK and +his complainings never troubled her; she merely laughed when he groaned, +and offered to rub his back. But he, fearing the ponderosity of her +hand, rarely submitted; his spinal column being delicate, he dared not +risk it. + +Village gossips tell many little incidents connected with the married +life of the twain, which would be invidious to mention here. Suffice it +to say that they were considered fit subjects for the ever-ready pen of +the Poet to seize upon and perpetuate in never-dying verse, for the +benefit of posterity. That the Poet was right in his surmises, we have +only to look around and ascertain how many learned people of all grades +have treasured up in their memory, from infancy, the history of JACK +SPRAT and his wife. + + * * * * * + +AN OBVIOUS ILLUSTRATION + +Scene. A Lunch Counter. + + +_Customer._ "Waiter, do you call this a milk toast?--why, there's no +milk to be seen." + +_Waiter._ "Milk all gone into the toast, sir." + +_Customer._ "But there's no toast to speak of." + +_Waiter._ "Toast all gone into the milk, sir." + +_Customer._ "Ah, ha!--there's an idea in that, by Jove. I'll go straight +home and write a pamphlet upon the new theory of mutual absorption." + +_Waiter._ "Yes, sir. Don't forget to mention the Kilkenny Cats, sir!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENCOURAGING HOME MANUFACTURES. + +_Young Patriot._ "GIMME THREE CENTS WORTH O' CHESTNUTS." + +_Female Broker._ "D' YER WANT EYETALIAN ONES?" + +_Y. P._ "NO, DARN YER--GIMME AMERICAN ONES."] + + * * * * * + +COUNT BISMARCK'S ACCOUNT. + +BISMARCK'S insolence is really becoming dangerous. He can deny and +contradict the statements made by other Counts, Ambassadors, Kings, or +by himself, without its becoming a matter of sufficient importance to +interest us. Such giving and taking the lie is a part of the business of +persons of this kidney. But he has actually had the audacity to deny the +truthfulness of the report by RUSSELL to the _Times_ of a conversation +held between them. If this thing is not checked in the bud, he will next +be denying--his conversation! with the _Tribune_ "special," as reported +by that ubiquitous observer. What will there be for the world to +believe, if it loses faith in the truthfulness of the papers? + + * * * * * + +A Con. for the Vatican. + +Why is VICTOR EMMANUEL like a tomahawk? Because he is now said to be "a +tool in the hands of the Reds." + + * * * * * + +THE "LOUDEST" OF SUNDAYS "SWELLS." The Swell of the Church organ. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PRIZE CALF "S. L. WOODFORD," FATTENED UP BY MESSRS. +GREELY AND CURTIS FOR THE SPECIAL PURPOSE OF BEING CUT UP ON TUESDAY, +NOVEMBER 8TH.] + + * * * * * + +"DOST KNOW ME?" + +Composed by our Special Dangerous Lunatic in one of his Lucid +Intervals. + + Dost know me? dost know me? was all the maiden said, + As she streamed her golden tresses through the half-unkneaden bread, + While the sunset light came sheening athwart the oaken floor, + And the Headsman chanted his roundelay at the soul-beshriven door. + + Dost know me? dost know me? rang o'er the heather wild, + While the dew-drop lifted its golden head, and the hoary bull-frog + smiled; + Yet every eye was dim with tears, as the shadow of Time replied, + And the echo from over the moorland drear, + In cloistered glory and voice of cheer, + Silently welcomed the Bride. + + "Dost know me? dost know me?" and a soul from out the gloom + Welcomed the rippling brooklet flowing past the tomb, + Gilding the steeples, near and far, with a dusk and dimsome spleen, + Tipping with crest of golden fire + Each mighty CAESAR'S funeral pyre + In its wealth of golden sheen. + + "Dost know me? dost know me?"--eftsoones the answer came + From the lips of the lady with blonden hair like a wreath of golden + flame, + As she lifted the light of her beauteous eyes to the questioning + lips of the knight, + And muttered those words of import dire, + And flashed her eyes with a baleful fire-- + Alas! did he hear aright? + + "I know thee! I know thee! for thou art the Khouli Khan, + And I am the Empress of Allahabad, or any other man, + Then turtle soup may lift its crest o'er the stars in the twilight dim, + Ere I, an Empress of regions fair, + With a halo of succulent blonden hair, + Elope with a Khouli grim." + + Ah me! 'twas sad, and a gruesome night, when the maiden fair said, "No!" + And gave response to the Knight's demand in accents sweetly low. + +THE END. + + Gems more clear than this, no doubt, have oftentimes been seen, + Yet methinks, at least, 'tis a poem clear + As poems which every week appear + In the _Waverley Magazine_. + + * * * * * + +"WELL SAID, OLD MOLE!" + +In a newspaper description of Mr. GREELEY, published some years since, +it was stated that he was born with a mole upon his left arm. This may +or may not be the case; but, judging from the persistence with which the +great agriculturist advocates sub-soil ploughing, there can be no doubt +whatever that he has mole on the brain. + + * * * * * + +BLOOD AND THUNDER! + +PUNCHINELLO learns, without the least surprise, that Mr. YOUNGBLOOD has +retired in disgust from the management of the New York _Free Press_. It +is further announced that the estimable publication referred to will +henceforth be under the charge of Mr. OLDBLOOD, a blood relative of all +the BADBLOODS belonging to the JOHN REAL Democracy. + + * * * * * + +"FALL" WEATHER. + +The subject of bringing down rain by the firing of artillery has again +been revived, owing to the long droughts that have lately prevailed. +What gives a color of feasibility to it, at present, is the fact that +the Reign of LOUIS NAPOLEON has lately been brought down by Prussian +guns. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SIGHT TOO BAD! + +_Struggling Cuba._ "YOU MUST BE AWFULLY NEAR-SIGHTED, MR. PRESIDENT, NOT +TO RECOGNIZE ME." + +_U. S. G._ "NO: I AM FAR-SIGHTED; FOR I CAN RECOGNIZE FRANCE."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN'S POLITICAL SENTIMENTS. + +His Reason for Leaving his Party.--A Catechism for Candidates. + +I hain't gilty of any stated polertix, as Ime aware of. + +For an old man, Ime helthy and sound as a nut on all public questions. I +use to be an old line Whig, and was a pooty active thimble-rigger as +long as it paid. But when that party refoosed to renominate me for the +offis of Gustese of the Peece, like a thurar bred polertician, I shook +'em. Said I, standin' ontop a sugar hogshead, at a primary meetin, which +was bein held in SIMMINSES grocery store:-- + +Feller sitizens of the Whig party, Refoose to renominate good men for +offisses, and you can pack your duds and git your carpet bags checkt for +the next steamer goin up Salt River. + +Leave my name off'n your ticket for another term of offis, and there +won't be enuff left in your old politikle carciss to grease a flap-jack +griddle with. In the words of Mister--Mister--Somebody, "A word to the +wise is--is--enuff to make a--hoss laff." + +And here I say it, Mister PUNCHINELLO, I wasent nominated. + +Dident I smash things? Gess not! I norgarated a bolt which spread like +pourin keroseen ile over a marble floor, and the next fall, SCOTT & +GRAHAM was nockt hire'n the Himmely mountins, while the old Whig party +shoveled off its mortil quarrel. + +Thus, as HORRIS GREELY, in his remarks on politikle Economy, says: +"Vengents, like a 2 tined pitchfork in the hands of Old Nick, will bust +up any party which goes back onto its trusted leaders. 'Vengents is +mine,' says the disappinted offis seeker, and on Election day he peddles +split tickets ontil the poles close." + +Standin as I do on nootral ground, I wish like JOHN BULL I could make my +nootrality pay as well as J. B. does, by sellin stores to the Prooshians +and the French. + +In castin my suferage this fall, I shall go Principals not men. A +_principal_ which is good for its little 7 per cent. _intrest_ payable +semi-annually, is what ales me. + + High-toned (?) principals, and not men, + Is what's the matter in this ere breast, + The Lait Gustise his influence will lend + To him whose _principal_ pays the best. + (Campane poickry.) + +I have prepared a serious of questions, which I propose to ask +candydates who come sneakin around for my sufferage. + +_Skedyule of Interogertories._ + +What's your _principals,_ and is the interest payable in gold or +greenbax? + +If elected to offis, will you squander all your salary and retire poorer +than a church mouse? or will you give _such strict attention to your +dooties_ as will enable you to salt down $100,000.00 per yeer from the +enormous salary of $1500.00 ($ fifteen hundred)? + +Do you think, takin an _iron_ clad oath has got anything to do with a +sertin commandment which says, "Thou shalt not _steel_"? + +Are you a beleiver in E. CADY STANTON'S revoolushinary idees, that woman +is the "coming man," and if so, how do you like it as fur as yoo've got? + +Do you think THEODORE TILTON, ED STUDWELL, STEVE GRISWOLD, FRED DUGLIS, +and SOOSAN B. ANTHONY would make as good Presidents of the U.S. as a +man would? + +Is your wife one of them strong-minded critters, who believes that +husbands had orter stay home and nuss the baby while she goes out and +plays baseball? + +Will you fall onto a voter's sholders, who eats garlix and onions, and +shed tears as freely the day arter eleckshun as you will the nite +before? + +Could you sing the "Battle-cry of freedom" so luvly, if it wasent for +Unkle Sam's _Notes_? + +Would you have any objections, if our National and Common Counsels, like +that of Rome, should organize _Economikle_ Counsels? + +In the war on tother side of the pond, is your sympathies for Lager or +Pea soup? + +If you want the German vote, don't you think it would be your politikle +_bier_ to get at _lager_-heads with the Prushians? + +Did you ever think before, that yourself and family, way back 15 or 20 +generations in the grave, were such a lot of low-lived villyians as the +opposition papers say you be? and haint it a mistery to you that you are +allowed to go unhung? + +Did you commit the NATHAN murder? if so, why dident you call off your +_"dorg"?_ + +Do you know as much about farmin as HORRIS GREELY does? if so, who told +you? + +Are you a Fenian, Know-nothin, Mason, Anti-mason, Labor Reformer, +Anti-labor Reformer, a Chineese cooler, Anti-Chineese cooler, and the +"wickedest man in N.Y."? Are you in favor of free trade, high tariff, +free whiskey, whiskey tax, JIM FISK, MARETZEK, Tammany, the Young +Democracy, Grand Army of the Republicans, GEO. F. TRAIN, MRS. +CUNNINGHAM, and the D--l? + +In fact, like JOSEFF, have you got a cote of many cullers? + +Any candydate who can give affirmative ansers to the foregoin Catekism, +and is willin to show his _principals_ by bleedin freely, can get my +vote, sure popp. + +Ewers trooly, & I haint afrade To jine the bread & butter brigade. + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peese._ + + * * * * * + +LAST WORDS OF EMINENT MEN. + +Selected by Sarsfield Young. + +I die a true American. .............................. WM. POOLE. + +Bury me where I fall. ... BILLY BOWLEGS, and other military heroes. + +The die is _Caste_. .............................. T. W. ROBERTSON. + +Bury me where the woodbine twineth. ......... Col. JAMES FISK, Jr. + +Fools, 'od rot 'em! .............................. HIGGINBOTTOM. + +Bury me in the Fall. .............. The Poet who "would not die in +Spring-time." + +Don't give up the ship! [the Secretary-ship.] ..... CHAS. SUMNER to Sec. +STANTON. + +Bury me where I fall back. ...... Gen. O'NEILL, of the Fenian Army. + +Give me liberty, or give me death, with a decided preference for +ANASTASIA. ..................................... Poor PILLICODDY. + +Bury me in the Falls ................................ SAM PATCH. + +If any one dare haul down the American flag--wait till you see the white +of his eyes, then--shoot him on the spot. C.L. VALLANDIGHAM. + +Let BROWN (or some other first-class sexton) bury me where I fall. Capt. +KIDD. + +As I cannot lay my sword at the feet of my army, I die at the head of +your Majesty. .............................. LOUIS NAPOLEON. + + * * * * * + +A FREE TRADER. + + Now gentlemen, of every kind, + Just step into my shop, + And, as I'm hard to pacify, + You'd better bring a sop; + I'll dress you up in any style + For which you choose to call, + But then, you must bring ready cash, + Because I shines for all. + + I'm always ready for a trade, + No matter what its kind; + I'll dress you up so very neat, + If your bid suits my mind. + If, when I ask the custom house, + He says, "Give it I sha'n't," + DAVIS and FISH I strike, because + I does not shine for GRANT. + + Sometimes I send a little bill + For goods they have not had, + And if they do not pay at once + Then I gets awful mad. + Of public pap I'm very fond, + I'd like to get it all, + But, if they block my little game, + I does not shine for HALL. + + I've lampooned every decent man, + Who with me would not trade; + I keep a little book account + Of those who have not paid: + So, if you don't enjoy free trade, + Don't listen to my call; + I'll give you good names for good pay, + Because I shines for all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: When you go to the theater, it is pleasant to have the +little boy of a rustic couple persist in feeding you with gingerbread +and orange-peel, and, if you request the little wretch to keep still, to +be told by his parents that you are "putting on airs."] + + * * * * * + +THE MEDICAL CONFIDENCE GAME. + +Mr. Punchinello has lately received a medical publication, in which +there are some editorial remarks concerning the relations between +physicians and their patients. The latter are exhorted to place all +confidence in their medical advisers, for, otherwise, there can be no +harmonious action between them. This is all very well, and Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks that if anything in this world should be the subject +of sacred confidences, it should be the revelations of the sick-room. +But, after reading the reports of the various cases which are detailed +in this publication, his faith in the advisability of confiding in one's +doctor was somewhat shaken. For instance, when he read that "Miss ANNA +P-----, aged 25, of blonde complexion and apparent good health, residing +near Jefferson avenue and Sixty-eighth street, had been subject for +years to convolutions of the cerebral hemispheres, and had been obliged +at various times to submit to partial amputations of horn-like +excrescences on the divisions of her manual extremities," Mr. +PUNCHINELLO was of opinion that this young lady, who could be easily +recognized from the hints (?) of her name and residence, might possibly +object to the announcement, to all her friends and acquaintances, that +she had cerebral hemispheres, and still more to the fact that they were +convoluted. But this dreadful truth is published, under the merest film +of concealment of her identity, to the whole world, and her physical +condition and subsequent surgical treatment may be town-talk for the +rest of her life. Where is the "sacred confidence" here? + +There are dozens of similar cases in the publication referred to, and +medical journals are, in general, full of them. + +Will it therefore be wondered at if we don't want all the world to know, +every time we call in a doctor, that we may have a "parenchyma of the +lung," or a "sub-conjunctival cellular tissue," that we will begin some +day to insist as much upon medical honor as medical ability? Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks not. + + * * * * * + +"FIAT LUX." + +We learn that our Third Assistant Postmaster-General has been indisposed +for some days, owing to his excessive labor in breaking envelope +contracts. Why does the Postmaster-General allow his subordinates thus +to overwork themselves? We wish he would shed a REAY of light on the +subject. + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE AND ENDURANCE. + +When people undertake any thing in the cause of Science, or indeed in +any other cause, they might as well do their best while they have a +chance. This is an axiom of social economy which is presented, gratis, +to the world. + +Now, the three scientific men who intend passing the winter on the top +of Mount Washington, might certainly find some other manner of spending +the cold months in the interests of science which would be much more +difficult and disagreeable. They expect to be snowed up at the Tip-top +House, from December until March, and will spend their time in a room +lined with felt, where they will burn twenty tons of coal during their +sojourn. + +Almost any one could do all this. If the scientific gentlemen in +question desire to undergo some really notable hardships there are +plenty of deep lakes in New York, at the bottom of which they might +spend the winter in a diving-bell. They would probably be frozen in +until March, and they would find it much more difficult to use their +instruments, and everything far more disagreeable, generally, than in a +large room in the Tip-top House. + +Still if they would prefer something still more arduous, let them ride day +and night, from December until March, in the Third Avenue cars of this +city. If they were to do this, and confine their scientific labors to +observations of the decidedly mean altitude of the Sun, they would +probably suffer more, in a given time, than any previous party of +learned men, and thus accomplish their object much better than by +deliberately allowing themselves to be snowed up on Mount Washington. + + * * * * * + +A SURPRISING PROPHECY. + +Years ago Mr. PUNCHINELLO had a very old grandfather, and he well +remembers that on the _inside_ of the lid of a certain horse-hair trunk, +the property of that estimable old man, was pasted a bit of poetical +prophecy, the words of which embedded themselves, like the hot letters +of a branding-iron, on the tender skin of Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S mind. The +following is the prophecy: + + "Add seventy-four and 62, + And forty and 900 too; + Then, if to this sum you place + Seven hundred and an ace, + You will surely find the year + When they ought to disappear-- + Both a Certain Holy 'un + And the last NAPOLEON. + And darkness will come wholly on + The Sun. Day, natheless, will glow + Down in the regions far below." + +Now this is certainly a very astounding prophecy. If the numbers +mentioned at the beginning of the oracular ditty be added together +without using the ace, they make the year 1776. Now the value of an ace +in Seven-up (and seven is the uppermost word in the line in which our +ace occurs) is four. So four, added to the former sum, makes the year +1780. But even the first NAPOLEON had not made his appearance in this +year, and so it would seem there must be a mistake somewhere. But such +is not the case. If, after the manner of the regular prophecy-makers, we +treat this sum according to the rule of probabilities, we shall see +that, if "seventeen-eighty" will not work prophecy, we must reverse the +year and call it "eighteen-seventy." This hits the mark exactly, and +makes us tremble at the prophetic power of some of those old delvers in +the mines of dark prediction. + +For now we see plainly that not only the Pope and the ex-Emperor of +France will probably disappear this year from the scenes of their glory, +but that the Sun, over which a certain dirty mistiness has been stealing +for some time past, will be entirely shrouded in the blackness of ruin. +The lines + + "----Day, natheless, will glow + Down in the regions far below," + +doubtless refer to DANA the less, who, when his sheet is utterly +overwhelmed in its self-made oblivion, will deserve, and probably +obtain, all the brightness and warmth to which the verse refers. + +Placing this astounding prediction by the side of the amazing events of +the present year, it is impossible for Mr. PUNCHINELLO to repress his +feelings of wonder and awe! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +There is an old conundrum song that begins--"Why do summer roses fade?" +The late ARTEMUS WARD thought they did it as a matter of business. Why +do the "Two Roses" bloom? That is WALLACK'S business. Also just now it +happens to be mine. + +The modern English comedy is divided into two kinds. Everybody will +consider this statement a conundrum, and answer,--"Bad and good." +Wrong, my little dears. All your lexicographers agree that "kind" means +a "race," which is absurd, because a horse-race, for instance, is +anything but kind. But they explain by saying that it means a genus. +Good plays are not a genus. They are freaks of nature, like the woolly +horse and the sacred cow; only, when they are produced, so many people +will not pay money to see them as to see the w.h. and the s.c. + +The division of modern plays, as JONATHAN EDWARDS said wittily, in his +sparkling treatise on "The Will," is into the tame and the wild. For the +latter the recipe is simple. Take some black false beads, hatchets, +pistols, a "dog"--not a quadruped, but the article which was left in Mr. +NATHAN'S hall--a woman in black hair and a white garment, suggestive of +repose, strolling at midnight by the banks of the prattling East River, +foot of Grand Street, and set a house afire at the end of the third act. +That is the BOUCICAULT style, and as the flippant EDWARDS goes on to +observe, it draws like a factory chimney in the Bowery and at NIBLO's. + +But this sort of thing will not do at all at WALLACK'S. Of course not. +STODDART is permitted to swear there, to be sure; but I understand that +he does it for fear people should call WALLACK'S the hall of the Old +Men's Christian Association. With that exception there is, as somebody +said about something, absolutely nothing to offend the most fastidious. +Any person who exhibits excitement upon the stage is discharged at the +end of the week with a pension. Miss MOORE is permitted to weep, but she +does it so quietly and nicely that it does not disturb anybody. And the +ushers have received strict orders to eject anybody in the audience who +manifests any marked interest in the performance. A friend of mine from +Peoria once went to WALLACK'S, and took no pains whatever to conceal his +admiration of the acting. On the contrary, at a particularly nice point, +he actually clapped his hands together twice. Of course he was arrested +for breach of the peace, and locked up over night. But the management +declined, to prosecute when it was represented to them that the man had +lately seen McKEAN BUCHANAN at the Peoria Academy of Music, and that he +could not help testifying his gratification that LESTER WALLACK behaved +so differently, and he was discharged. He went back to Peoria, and told +his neighbors that there was a place in New York where they got up a +yawning match (this coarse person called it a "gaping bee") every night +between the stage and the audience, and the stage always won. + +Now we know, that is those of us who are in good society, that what this +uncouth rustic mistook for indifference is the air of society. +TALLEYRAND said, or somebody said he said, that the use of language was +to conceal thought. Go to WALLACK'S and you will see that the art of +acting is to suppress emotions. Everything is below concert-pitch, +except perhaps the orchestra, which insists upon playing lively and +popular music, instead of doing the Dead March in Saul for a funeral +procession while the audience files out dreamily to drink, and empties +some dull opiate to the drains. The entire audience are making heroic +efforts all through the play to prevent each other from seeing that they +know they are listening to the most finished acting to be seen anywhere, +and looking at the prettiest stage pictures ever set. All the actors are +all the while trying to conceal the fact that they are doing any good +acting. The whole theatre is in a condition of sweet repose, like the +placid bosom of a mill-pond on a summer afternoon, when STODDART shoots +the Dam. + +Well, when you have society theatres, where they do this sort of thing, +you must have society plays. The recipe for these is different from the +gallon of gore and the ton of thunder which make up the other sort. You +must have your actors representing people who are always bored to death, +if you wish to maintain the respect and patronage of a society audience, +whose ambition is to seem to be always bored to death in real life. You +must have what the sweet but-not exemplary SWINBURNE calls "the lilies +and languors of virtue" at WALLACK'S, to balance "the raptures and roses +of vice" which you get at the sensational shops. People may fall in +love, in a mild way, as they do in society, but they must not undergo +the ravages of that passion, as it is exhibited out of society. They +are, so to speak, vaccinated for love, and they are safe from the +virulent confluent or even the varioloid type of the original malady. +They may also transact business, of a high-toned sort, and sometimes +they get out of temper. But their main employment is to wander about and +yawn, or to sit down and sneer. + +There is a laborious lunatic who makes ice at the fair of the American +Institute, with the thermometer at 80° or so in the shade. (Note to +Editor.--I don't know the man from ADAM, and have received no +consideration from him whatever for this allusion,) I believe his ice +costs this ingenious individual about four dollars per pound to +make--but no matter. Well, this is exactly the trick by which you make +society plays. ROBERTSON does it to perfection. He is the patent +refrigerator. And the man who did "The Two Roses" has plagiarized his +process and reproduced his results. I don't know whether the idea is to +interest people in what is uninteresting, or to uninterest people in +what is interesting. But he does both. + +Perhaps, however, some absurd person would like to know something about +this play. There is a commercial traveller in it, who is taken, +by-the-by, bodily and even to his checked trousers, out of one of +ROBERTSON'S plays. The only addition that has been made is that this one +swears. But then STODDART personates him. This commercial traveller has +a wife. To whom, by-the-by, did it ever occur, before the author of this +play, that commercial travellers could have wives? The wife of this +itinerant commercial person is a stationary commercial person, who keeps +a boarding-house which the youths, the heroes of the play, have the +misery to inhabit. All this is undeniably low for WALLACK'S, and the +sales-ladies in the audience express their sense of that fact by +intimating that EFFIE GERMON'S jewels are not real, and the +sales-gentlemen by confiding to one another at the bar, whither they +wend after the second act to quaff the maddening sarsaparilla, that +WALLACK'S is running down. + +As I have abused several revered institutions in these few lines. I +will, in terror of public opinion and private wrath, execute a small +variation on my usual and familiar autograph, and sign myself + +PICADOR. + + * * * * * + +VORACIOUS VEGETATION. + +It appears that our ever-active Park Commissioners are making vigorous +efforts to establish a Zoological Garden in Central Park. It has been +generally supposed that gardens were either horticultural or +agricultural; but if the Commissioners can get up anything of the kind +which shall be zoological, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has not the least objection +in the world. He supposes that in such a garden the principal plants +will be Tiger-lilies, Cock's-combs, Larkspurs, Ragged Robins, +Coltsfoots, Horse-chestnuts, Goose-berries, Dandelions, Foxgloves, and +Dog-wood. If full crops are desired, a good many pigeons and chickens +should be kept on the grounds, and that portion of the gardens devoted +to leg-uminous products will probably be occupied by storks and +giraffes. + + * * * * * + +Q. + +Is it likely that a set of Chinese gardeners would be able to mind, at +the same time, both their Peas and their Queues? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ENGLISH GRAMMAR INCLUDED." + +_1st Young Gentleman_. "I TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S AWFUL HARD TO GET ANYTHING +TO DO, JUST NOW." + +_2d ditto_. "THAT'S SO. I SEEN AN ADVERTISEMENT YESTERDAY FOR A TUTOR IN +A FAMILY, AND I'VE JUST BIN AND WROTE AN ANSWER."] + + * * * * * + +THE QUEUE-RIOUS FUTURE. + +Of all the queues which any man or any nation ever gave to another, the +Chinese have supplied us with the most queue-rious. The arrived man from +that celestial part of the world, who is now so industriously engaged +washing for us in New Jersey, and again, making our shoes in +Massachusetts, and who proposes to be our dairymaid, our chambermaid, +our barmaid, and, if BARNUM will go into the humbug business again, our +mermaid, brought the queue on the back of his head when he crossed the +Pacific Ocean, and landed on the coast of California. Thence he conveyed +it across the Plains, and now our mothers are going back to _two_ queues +such as those they wore when the roses which bloomed upon their cheeks +were not produced by rouge, and to comprehend the lessons in the +school-books which they carried was the severest trial which they knew, +except, indeed, the restrained desire to get married. And our fathers +will wear one tail, as did their ancestors, who curled those appendages +gracefully around the limbs of the trees while they played base-ball +with cocoanuts, or visited in that nimble manner in which none other +than monkeys are capable of moving about. Our great American +agriculturist, too, who has ploughed so deeply in the _Tribune_ office, +is going to look like a Chinese; and she, who has given us our Caudle +lectures now for many years past, will exhibit ANNA DICKINSON as a +convert to two tails. Next, he who serves up for us our religion every +once a week in the form of sanctimonious speeches on the subject of +political economy, will let his congregation go behind Plymouth Pulpit +for the purpose of getting their queues for the next Sunday love-feast +by observing his. The "long" and the "short" of the new vanity, however, +will be found in fullest perfection among the bully-bears in Wall +street, who, of all other honest men, are best able to teach the rising +generation the significance of "heads I win, tails you lose." Then, +again, in the far future perhaps some industrious antiquary will exhume +an awful tail of the present generation that was invented by Mrs. H.B. +STOWE, when she looked across the Atlantic Ocean, and interviewed the +ghost of BYRON. The future is going to be glorious and queue-rious for +all who wish to up-braid, and when our fathers pass us, and we see their +heads, we will be convinced that thereby hangs a tail; also, when our +mothers' heads go by, that thereby hang two tails. + + * * * * * + +AN ODE-IOUS SUGGESTION. + +Swinburne has written an ode to the French Republic. This lofty rhyme is +built up of strophes, anti-strophes, and an epode. In its construction, +and grandiloquence are thrown about with the careless disregard for +innocent passers-by which characterizes that poet's freedom of style. +Most probably no sane English-speaking person has read it through and +preserved his sanity. The poet's idea in writing it was to get the +French engaged in trying to understand it, and the Germans to engage in +translating it, and thus stop the war by pure exhaustion of the +combatants. The idea was good, but hardly practical. + + * * * * * + +SOCIAL SCIENCE BY TELEGRAPH. + +The right of an independent Briton to beat his wife without being liable +to impertinent foreign interference is well known to be one of the most +precious privileges inherited from Magna Charta. The national use of +this privilege is now generally considered, by social philosophers, to +be the foundation of the love of "fair play," so universally +characteristic of the English. It is only upon this ground that we can +account for the following item recently telegraphed from London as a +_special to the N. Y. Times_. + +"It is curious to see that, while the married men of the city are +against interference, all military and naval men are loud in expressions +of indignation because no effort is made by England to save France from +ruin." + +As we see it, this is not curious at all. To the comprehensive English +mind, the war in Europe is a mere family quarrel, on a large scale. But +what is really curious the special does not tell us. What position do +the military and naval men take who happen to be married? + + * * * * * + +A GROWL FROM A BRITON. + +Mr. Punchinello:--One of the balloon reporters from Paris says: + +"Great care is taken to save food from waste. There is much horse-flesh +eaten." + +For a Frenchman in a state of siege horse-flesh is all right--the French +eat frogs, you know, and horses have frogs in their feet. What I like +about the thing in Paris, though, is that they _call_ it horse-flesh, +and don't try to jerk it on a fellow for beef. Jerked beef is bad +enough, but only think of jerked horse, by Jove, you know! + +Now I want to say that here in New York, not being in a state of siege, +we are eating a lot more horse-flesh than we know of, all the same--but +they call it beef. + +Look here, now. + +I take my grub, sometimes (only for the sake of seeing life, you know), +at a decent sort of a place enough, to which butchers resort. There is a +man always to be seen there at grub time, a cockish-looking fellow, +somewhat, with a horse-shoe pin in his scarf, and he is as thick as +thieves with the butchers. Yesterday, for the first time, I got an +inkling of who and what he is. I saw him performing an operation upon a +horse, in the yard of a livery stable. He is a VETERINARY SURGEON! He +consorts with BUTCHERS! Put that and that together, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and +see what you can make of it. And the duffer always eats mutton, too, or +fish. I never yet heard him call for beef. He knows all about nag, and +likes it alive, but he is not to be nagged into eating it. Neigh! neigh! + +Yours, irascibly, + +YORKSHIRE-PUDDINGHEAD. + + * * * * * + +DEAD BEATS. Muffled drums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO, | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | + | FULL REGULAR MAKES, | + | From 35 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | GENTLEMEN'S HALF HOSE, | + | EXTRA QUALITY, | + | 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | LARGE LINES OF | + | Ladies' and Gentlemen's | + | Silk and Merino Underwear. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Grand Exposition. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE OPENED | + | | + | A SPLENDID ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | PARIS MADE DRESSES, | + | | + | From Worth, E. Pingal and other Celebrated Makers. | + | | + | ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS, | + | OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE, | + | Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, If not | + | superior, to any in this city. | + | | + | Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats | + | Elegantly Trimmed, from Virot's and other | + | Modistes or the highest Parisian standing. | + | | + | The Prices of the Above are Extremely | + | Attractive. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | American Moquette | + | CARPETS, | + | | + | IN NEW AND ELEGANT DESIGNS, | + | Warranted equal in quality and coloring to the very best | + | French. | + | | + | Price only $3.50 per Yard. | + | | + | Crossley's Best Quality Tapestry Brussels, | + | $1.25 per Yard. | + | | + | Crossley's Velvets, Extra Quality, | + | $2.25 per Yard. | + | | + | Five-Frame English Body Brussels, | + | $1.75 per Yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | $2.50 and $3 per Yard. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | Paris Quality Moquettes, | + | AXMINSTERS BY THE YARD, | + | Aubusson & Axminster Carpets | + | IN ONE PIECE, | + | WITH SPLENDID MEDALLIONS AND BORDERS | + | TO MATCH. | + | | + | AND THEY ARE CONSTANTLY IN THE RECEIPT | + | OF | + | ALL THE NOVELTIES | + | IN THE ABOVE LINE, AS PRODUCED. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. 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Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: "THE HARMONY OF THE EVENING." + +_Romantic Youth (with more assurance than voice)_. + "I CANNOT SING THAT OLD SONG." + +_Voice from next room_. + "THEN DON'T--THAT'S A GOOD FELLOW!"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | | + | AND | + | | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. 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PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, 10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50 for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box, 2788, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, +October 29, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10091 *** diff --git a/10091-h/10091-h.htm b/10091-h/10091-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..856d6cd --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/10091-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2118 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. II, No. 31.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10091 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>CONANT'S</big></big><br> + </span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Lettered & Stamped,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </span> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau Street.</span> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/67.jpg"><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. II. No. 31.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,</small></p> + <p>As an Adaptation of the Original English version, was +concluded in the last Number. The remaining portion will be continued +as Original.</p> + <p>By ORPHEUS C. KERR,</p> + <p>Commencing with Number 30.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="6" style="width: 30%;"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Fine Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870.</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for------ $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">APPLICATIONS +FOR ADVERTISING IN</small><br> + <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">SHOULD +BE ADDRESSED TO</small><br> +JOHN NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p><b>No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y.</b></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>FOLEY'S</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big><br> + <big>GOLD PENS.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big> <span style="font-weight: normal;">THE BEST +AND CHEAPEST.</span><br> +256 BROADWAY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.</b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,</small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</b></p> + <p>Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN NEW</span>S COMPANY,</p> + <p><small>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>FORST & AVERELL</big></big></p> + <p>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press</p> + <p><big><big>PRINTERS,</big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS.</span></p> + <p><small>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><b>23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold +Street,</b><br> +NEW YORK.<br> +[P.O. BOX 2845.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big></p> + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + <p><br> + <b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i> REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN,<br> + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The only Journal of its kind in +America!!</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST:</big></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">A MONTHLY JOURNAL</span><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <small>THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY.</small></p> + <p><small>DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS.</small></p> + <p><small>EDITED BY<br> +Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler.</small></p> + <p><small>The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, +having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American +reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of +the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which +shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, +experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country.</small></p> + <p><small>The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the +reception of original articles from any part of the country, subject to +approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any points of interest +within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention.</small></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST</b></p> + <p>Is a Journal of especial interest to</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, +TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, +PHOTOGRAPHERS, MANUFACTURERS,</small></p> + <p>And all concerned in scientific pursuits.</p> + <p><b>Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per +number. Specimen copies, 25 cts.</b></p> + <p>Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO.,<br> +Publishers and Proprieters<br> +424 Broome Street, New York</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="3"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON</p> + <p>begs to announce to the friends of</p> + <p><b>"PUNCHINELLO,"</b></p> + <p><small>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, +he has made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of</small></p> + <p><b>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,</b></p> + <p><small>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</small></p> + <p><small>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OFFICE OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <p>83 Nassau Street.</p> + <p>[P.O. Box 2783.]</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEORGE WEVILL,</b></p> + <p>WOOD ENGRAVER,</p> + <b>208 BROADWAY,</b><br> +NEW YORK.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p><big><big>Draughtsman & Designer</big></big></p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</big></p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/69.jpg"> </center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">CHAPTER XXV.</p> + <p>THE SKELETON IS MCLAUGHLIN'S CLOSET.</p> + <p>Night, spotted with stars, like a black leopard, crouched once +more upon Bumsteadville, and her one eye to be seen in profile, the +moon, glared upon the helpless place with something of a cat's +nocturnal stare of glassy vision for a stupefied mouse. Midnight had +come with its twelve tinkling drops more of opiate, to deepen the +stupor of all things almost unto death, and still the light shone +luridly through the window-curtains of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, and still +the lonely musician sat stiffly at a dinner-table spread for three, +whereof only a goblet, a curious antique black bottle, a bowl of sugar, +a saucer of lemon-slices, a decanter of water, and a saucer of cloves +appeared to have been used by the solitary diner.</p> + <p>Unconscious that, through the door ajar at his back, a pair of +vigilant human orbs were upon him, the ritualistic organist, who was in +very low spirits, drew an emaciated and rather unsteady hand repeatedly +across his perspiring brow, and talked in deep bass to himself.</p> + <p>"He came in, af'r' bein' brisgly walked up'n-down the turnpike +by PENDRAGON, and slammed himself down-'n-that-chair," ran the +soliloquy, with a ghostly nod towards an opposite chair, drawn back +from the table. "'Inebrious boy!' says I, sternly, 'how-are-y'-now?' He +said 'Poorawell;' 'n' wen' down on-er-floor fas'hleep! I w's +scan'l'ized.—Whowoonbe?—I took m' umbrella 'n' thrashed 'm with it, +remarking 'F'shame! waygup! mis'able boy! 's poorysight-f'r-'nuncle-t' +see-'s-nephew-'n-this-p'litical-c'ndit'n.'—H'slep on; 'n' 't last I +picked up him, 'n' umbrella, 'n' took 'm out t' some cool place +t'shleep't off. <i>Where'd'</i> I take him? Thashwazmarrer—<i>where'd'</i> +I leave'm?"</p> + <p>Repeating this question to himself, with an almost frenzied +intensity, the gloomy victim of a treacherous memory threw an unearthly +stare of bloodshot questioning all over the room, and, after a swaying +motion or two of the upper half of his body, pitched forward, with his +forehead crashing upon the table. Instantly recovering himself, and +starting to rub his head, he as suddenly checked that palliative +process by a wild run to his feet and a hideous bellow.</p> + <p>"<i>I r'memb'r, now!</i>" he ejaculated, walking excitedly at +a series of obtuse angles all over the apartment. +"Got-'t-knockedinto-m'-head-'t-last. Pauper bur'l ground—J. +M'GLAUGHLIN. Down'n cellar—cool placefa' man's tight—lef' m' umbrella +there by m'stake—go'n' get't thishmin't—"</p> + <p>Managing, after several inaccurate aims at the doorway, to +plunge into the adjacent bedroom, he presently reappeared from thence, +veering hard-aport, with a lighted lantern in his right hand. Then, +circuitously approaching the neglected dining-table, he grasped with +his disengaged digits at the antique black bottle, missed it, went all +the way around the board before he could stop himself, clutched and +missed again, went clear around once more, and finally effected the +capture. "Th 'peared t' be two," he muttered, placing the prize in one +of his pockets; and, with a triumphant stride, made for the half-open +hall-door through which the eyes had been watching him.</p> + <p>The owner of those eyes, and of a surprising head of florid +hair, had barely time to draw back into the shadow of the corridor and +notice an approaching face like that of one walking in his sleep, when +the clove-eater swung disjointedly by him, with jingling lantern, and +went fiercely bumping down the stairway. Closely, without sound, +followed the watcher, and the two, like man and shadow, went out from +the house into the quarry of the moon-eyed black leopard.</p> + <p>Fully bound now in the sinister spell of the spice of the +Molucca islands, Mr. BUMSTEAD had regained that condition of his duplex +existence to which belonged the disposition he had made of his +lethargic nephew and alpaca umbrella on that confused Christmas night; +and with such realization of a distinct duality came back to him at +least a partial recollection of where he had put the cherished two. +Finding Mr. E. DROOD rather overcome by the more festive features of +the meal,—notwithstanding his walk at midnight with Mr. PENDRAGON,—he +had allowed his avuncular displeasure thereat to betray itself in a +threshing administered with the umbrella. Observing that the young man +still slept beside the chair from which he fell, he had ultimately, and +with the umbrella still under his arm raised the dishevelled nephew +head-downward in his arms, and impatiently conveyed him from the heated +room and house to the coolest retreat he could think of. There +depositing him, and, in his hurry, the umbrella also, to sleep off, +under reviving atmospheric influences, the unseemly effect of the +evening's banquet, he had gone back on both sides of the road to his +boarding-house, and, with his boots upon the pillow, sunk into an +instantaneous sleep of unfathomable depth. Dreaming, towards morning, +that he was engaging a large boa-constrictor in single combat, and +struggling energetically to restrain the ferocious reptile from getting +into his boots, he had suddenly awakened, with a crash, upon the +floor—to miss his umbrella and nephew, to forget where he had put them, +and to fly to Gospeler's Gulch with incoherent charges of larceny and +manslaughter. All this he could now vaguely recall, his present +psychological condition, or trance-state, being the same as then; and +was going entrancedly back to the hiding-place where, with the best of +motives, he had forgetfully left the two objects dearest to him in life.</p> + <p>On, then, proceeded the Ritualistic organist in the tawny +light of the black leopard's eye: his stealthy follower trailing +closely after in the shade of the roadside trees where the star-spotted +leopard's black paws were plunged deepest. On he went, in zig-zag +profusion of steps and occasional high skips over incidental shadows of +branches which he for snakes, until the Pauper Burial Ground was +reached, and MCLAUGHLIN'S hidden subterranean retreat therein attained. +It was the same weird spot to which he had been brought by Old +MORTARITY on the wintry night of their unholy exploring party; and, +without appearing to be surprised that the entrance to the excavation +was open, he eagerly descended by the rickety step-ladder, and held +himself steady by the latter while throwing the light of his lantern +around the mouldy walls.</p> + <p>His immediate hiccup, provoked by the dampness of the +situation, was answered by a groan, which, instead of being solid, was +very hollow; and, as he peered vivaciously forward behind his extended +lantern, there advanced from a far corner—O, woeful man! O, thrice +unhappy uncle!—the spectral figure of the missing EDWIN DROOD!</p> + <p>After a moment's inspection of the apparition, which paused +terribly before him with hand hidden in breast, Mr. BUMSTEAD placed his +lantern upon a step of the ladder, drew and profoundly labiated his +antique black bottle, thoughtfully crunched a couple of cloves from +another pocket—staring stonily all the while—and then addressed the +youthful shade:—</p> + <p>"Where's th' umbrella?"</p> + <p>"Monster of forgetfulness! murderer of memory!" spoke the +spirit, sternly. "In this, the last rough resting place of the +impecunious dead, do you dare to discuss commonplace topics with one of +the departed? Look at me, uncle, clove-befogged, and shrink appalled +from the dread sight, and pray for mercy."</p> + <p>"Ishthis prop'r language t' address-t'-y'r-relative?" inquired +Mr. BUMSTEAD, in a severely reproachful manner.</p> + <p>"Relative!" repeated the apparition, sepulchrally. "What sort +of relative is he, who, when his sister's orphaned son is sleeping at +his feet, conveys the unconscious orphan, head downward, through a +midnight tempest, to a place like this, and leaves him here, and then +forgets where he has put him?"</p> + <p>"I give't up," said the organist, after a moment's +consideration.</p> + <p>"The answer is: he's a dead-beat." continued the young ghost, +losing his temper. "And what, JOHN BUMSTEAD, did you do with my oroide +watch and other jewels?"</p> + <p>"Musht've spilt'm on the road here," returned the musing +uncle, faintly remembering that they had been found upon the turnpike, +shortly after Christmas, by Gospeler SIMPSON. "Are you dead, EDWIN?"</p> + <p>"Did you not bury me here alive, and close the opening to my +tomb, and go away and charge everybody with my murder?" asked the +spectre, bitterly. "O, uncle, hard of head and paralyzed in +recollection! is it any good excuse for sacrificing my poor life, that, +in your cloven state, you put me down a cellar, like a pan of milk, and +then could not remember where you'd put me? And was it noble, then, to +go to her whom you supposed had been my chosen bride, and offer wedlock +to her on your own account?"</p> + <p>"I was acting as y'r-executor, EDWIN," explained the uncle. "I +did ev'thing forth' besht."</p> + <p>"And does the sight of me fill you with no terror, no remorse, +unfeeling man?" groaned the ghost.</p> + <p>"Yeshir," answered Mr. BUMSTEAD, with sudden energy. "Yeshir. +I'm r'morseful on 'count of th' umbrella. Who-d'-y'-lend-'t-to?"</p> + <p>It is an intellectual characteristic of the more advanced +degrees of the clove-trance, that, while the tranced individual can +perceive objects, even to occasional duplexity, and hear remarks more +or less distinctly, neither objects nor remarks are positively +associated by him with any perspicuous idea. Thus, while the +Ritualistic organist had a blurred perception of his nephew's +conversational remains, and was dimly conscious that the tone of the +supernatural remarks addressed to himself was not wholly +congratulatory, he still presented a physical and moral aspect of dense +insensibility.</p> + <p>Momentarily nonplussed by such unheard-of calmness under a +ghostly visitation, the apparition, without changing position, allowed +itself to roll one inquiring eye towards the opening above the +step-ladder, where the moonlight revealed an attentive head of red +hair. Catching the glance, the head allowed a hand belonging to it to +appear at the opening and motion downward.</p> + <p>"Look there, then," said the intelligent ghost to its uncle, +pointing to the ground near its feet.</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD, rousing from a brief doze, glanced indifferently +towards the spot indicated; but, in another instant, was on his knees +beside the undefined object he there beheld. A keen, breathless +scrutiny, a frenzied clutch with both hands, and then he was upon his +feet again, holding close to the lantern the thing he had found.</p> + <p>The barred light shone on a musty skeleton, to which still +clung a few mouldy shreds left by the rats; and only the celebrated +bone handle identified it as what had once been the maddened finder's +idolized Alpaca Umbrella.</p> + <p>"Aha!" twitted the apparition, "then you have some heart left, +JOHN BUMSTEAD?"</p> + <p>"Heart!" moaned the distracted organist, fairly kissing the +dear remains, and restored to perfect speech and comprehension by the +awful shock. "I had one, but it is broken now!—Allie, my long-lost +Allie!" he continued, tenderly apostrophizing the skeleton, "do we meet +thus at last again?—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'What +thought is folded in thy leaves!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">What tender thought, what +speechless pain!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">I hold thy faded lips to mine,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">Thou darling of the April +rain!'</span> </div> + <p>Where is thine old familiar alpaca dress, my Allie? Where is +the canopy that has so often sheltered thy poor master's head from the +storm? Gone! gone! and through my own forgetfulness!"</p> + <p>"And have you no thought for your nephew?" asked the +persevering apparition, hoarsely.</p> + <p>"Not under the present circumstances," retorted the mourner; +he and the ghost both coughing with the colds which they had taken from +standing still so long in such a damp place—"not under the present +circumstances," he repeated, wildly, making a fierce pass at the +spectre with the skeleton, and then dropping the latter to the ground +in nerveless despair. "To a single man, his umbrella is wife, mother, +sister, venerable maiden aunt from the country—all in one. In losing +mine, I've lost my whole family, and want to hear no more about +relatives. Good night, sir."</p> + <p>"Here! hold on! Can't you leave the lantern for a moment?" +cried the ghost. But the heart-stricken Ritualist had swarmed up the +ladder and was gone.</p> + <p>Then, going up too, the spectre appeared also unto two other +men, who crawled from behind pauper headstones at his summons; the face +of the one being that of J. MCLAUGHLIN, that of the other Mr. TRACY +CLEWS. And the spectre walked between these two, carrying Mr. +BUMSTEAD'S skeleton in its hand.<a name="FNanchor1"></a><a + href="#Footnote_1"><sup>[1]</sup></a></p> + <p><a name="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor1">[1]</a> +The <i>cut</i> accompanying the above chapter is from the illustrated +title-page of the English monthly numbers of "The Mystery of Edwin +Drood;"—in which it is the last of a series of border-vignettes;—and +plainly shows that it was the author's intention to bring back his hero +a living man before the conclusion of the story.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE" + src="images/70.jpg"> </center> + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</b></p> + <p><i>Bibo</i>.—Is there a champagne wine having the flavor of +gun-flints?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—The wine made at Pierry, in the Champagne country, +is said by connoisseurs to be so flavored. There is much alarm now +among the wine-growers, however, lest the next vintage may have a +flavor of percussion-caps instead, owing to the war and the modern +weapons.</p> + <p><i>Plantagenet de Vere</i>.—Would you believe a person named +JONES on his oath?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—We would not.</p> + <p><i>Smike</i>. We read of houses being "gutted" by the Prussian +soldiers; have houses entrails, then?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—All occupied houses have livers, and most houses +have lights.</p> + <p><i>M. T. Head</i>.—We cannot pay strangers in advance for +contributions that have not been sent in by them.</p> + <p><i>Icarus</i>.—What do the balloon scouts of Paris use for +ballast?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Bundles of newspapers, chiefly. Immense bales of +the unsold copies of the New York <i>Free Press</i> are now exported +for the purpose. They are preferred to any other papers because, when +placed anywhere in the balloon, they Lie so, and, having already fallen +from grace, falling from a balloon is nothing to them.</p> + <p><i>Taxidermist</i>.—What is the best material for stuffing +ballot-boxes with?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Greenbacks.</p> + <p><i>Leatherhead</i>.—Is it true that most of the prominent men +of England—"TOM BROWN" HUGHES, for instance—are proficient pugilists?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—We have never seen "TOM BROWN" spar, but we have +often seen JOHN STUART Mill.</p> + <p><i>Abby Gansevoort</i>.—No, my dear, your name does not occur +in any of SHAKESPEARE'S plays.</p> + <p><i>Figdrum</i>.—Born to the drudgery of commerce, I aspire to +literature: what am I to do to see my name in print?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Put it in the City Directory.</p> + <p><i>Voice-in-the-Fog</i>.—Why is it that all the queer isms of +the day, such as socialism, are more cultivated by Red Republicans than +by any other political sect?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Red, as artists well know, is the complementary or +opposite color to green. The social phenomenon to which you refer, +then, may be accounted for on the principle that extremes meet.</p> + <p><i>Clericus</i>.—Is it proper for me, as a clergyman, to wear +moustaches?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Quite so, unless they are red, in which case they +might interfere with your published sermons.</p> + <p><i>Astrolabe</i>.—What is the exact distance between the Dog +Star and Roxbury, Mass.?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—We do not know. PUNCHINELLO is not a Sirius +journal.</p> + <p><i>Juniper Byles</i>.—My rent has just been raised, and I have +had a curtain-lecture from my wife for swearing about it. Would not you +swear if your rent was raised?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Certainly not—at least not if it was raised by +benevolent subscription.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN ACQUAINTANCE.</b></p> + <p><i>Tom</i>.—"I say, JACK, what a beautiful complexion Miss +SMITH has. Do you know her?"</p> + <p><i>Jack</i>.—"No, but I know a girl who buys her complexion at +the same store at which Miss SMITH buys hers."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"CUM GRANO SALIS."</b>—Musk-melon.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A HORSE-CAR CONTINGENCY.</b></p> + <p>Gallant Tar (To horrified lady of uncertain age), "BELAY +THERE, OLD WOMAN! TAKE THIS SEAT."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OUR PORTFOLIO.</p> + <p>PARIS, FOURTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870.</p> + <p>Dear Punchinello: You may not have heard that BISMARCK has +been here, had an interview with FAVRE, and is off again. I didn't +suppose you would know it, so I hasten to give you and your army of +readers a brief synopsis of what took place, as nearly as I can in the +exact language used by the distinguished diplomats upon the occasion.</p> + <p>The scene of the consultation was one of the Imperial +wine-cellars under that pavilion of the Tuileries palace which +overlooks the Seine at the southwestern extremity of the <i>Place du +Carrousel</i>. The spot was selected for two reasons: it was far +removed from the noise and hubbub of the city, and it furnished +facilities for "liquoring up" in case of necessity. I was there and +left, as you will see, under circumstances calculated to give me a +lasting impression of the event. We all three of us sat around a pine +table, upon which faintly flickered a tallow candle in a soda-water +bottle, that shed around a sickly glare (that is to say, the candle +did). BISMARCK looked a little the worse for wear, I thought, and, as +he unbuttoned his vest with a grunt of relief, he struck me likewise as +being rather short in his wind.</p> + <p>FAVRE was loose and frisky as a four weeks old kitten, and +spoke with a quick, decided tone that reminded me of HORACE GREELEY. He +never once swore, however, during the whole interview. Your readers +will observe that even if this momentous meeting was not marked by the +usual diplomatic usages, the language is strictly according to the +usual diplomatic idiom. It is important to note this fact, as +everything hinges on the "idiom."</p> + <p>BISMARCK was the first to break silence:</p> + <p>"The difficulties which embarrass the questions under +discussion stand first in the order of elimination."</p> + <p>FAVRE assented, and BISMARCK continued: "We must remove the +peritoneum to get at the viscera of the issues (I was much struck with +the force and originality of this method of putting it), and evict +those impressions which are purely matters of national sensibility."</p> + <p>I snuffed the candle and waited for FAVRE.</p> + <p>FAVRE: "Your Excellency abounds in subtle diagnoses."</p> + <p>BISMARCK: "It is not a question of noses."</p> + <p>FAVRE: "Your Excellency mistakes me. I meant to say that, like +the 'Heathen Chinee,' your ways are dark."</p> + <p>I moved the light closer to the Count. FAVRE only smiled.</p> + <p>BISMARCK: "Touching 'rectification,' then, Germany sticks to +her position."</p> + <p>I regarded this as an insinuation that somebody was "stuck."</p> + <p>FAVRE: "France adheres unalterably to her previous resolution. +National traditions, deeply interwoven with the fine fibre of +individual natures, forbid the relaxation of tissues logically +irresistible."</p> + <p>A smile of triumph flitted faintly o'er the features of the +Frenchman. He evidently thought he had made a "ten strike." I whispered +approvingly, "<i>Tres bien, Monsieur, tres bien!</i>"</p> + <p>BISMARCK: "Does the German heart yearn for the Rhine? Does it +yearn for Strasbourg? Does it yearn for Metz? and if not, what does it +yearn for?"</p> + <p>He was looking straight at me when he said this, and so I +answered "Bier."</p> + <p>A dark scowl flitted frantically over the features of the +German, but he went right on: "Are all the longings of all these years, +dating from the birth of CHARLEMAGNE and extending through GUSTAVUS +ADOLPHUS to FREDERICK the Great and WILLIAM the First, by his father on +his maternal grandmother's side, who lies in the iron coffin of the <i>domkirche</i> +at Potsdam, whence we derive the consolidated grandeur of HOHENZOLLERN +mingling its rich ancestral dyes with the dark woof of fate to dispel +the expanding dream of German aspiration?"</p> + <p>I had not time to witness the effect upon FAVRE, but, gasping +for breath, I started from my seat and uttered these words, which I +remembered to have read in a German-English libretto of MARIE STUART: "<i>Mein +Gott, ich kenne eures Eifers reinen Trieb, Weiss, dass gediegne +Weissheit aus Euch redet!</i>"</p> + <p>It did not matter to me that FAVRE lay swooning on the floor. +That the Count glared at me savagely and crunched his jaws with +maniacal energy. My knowledge of German was up. It had caught the +fierce impulse, the majestic sweep of his ponderous linguosity. I +remembered another sentence, and hurled it wildly at him: "<i>Bei Gott, +Du wirst, ich hoff's, noch viele Jahre auf ihrem Grabe wandeln, ohne +dass du selber sie hinabzustürzen brauchtest!</i>"</p> + <p>Again I looked at the Count. His jaw had ceased working, and +the expression of his eye had changed. His arm moved furtively beneath +the table. What could he be doing? Horrible moment of uncertainty. +Still the arm worked, as if tugging at something. I could stand it no +longer. Seizing the soda-water bottle, I stooped to cast the rays of +the sixpenny dip beneath the table. As I did so, a boot-heel flashed in +the air, the Count's arm descended with a terrific detonation, and I +saw no more.</p> + <p>(Interval of twenty-four hours.)</p> + <p>The result of the interview will be communicated to the +American public by a Tribune special, as soon as a carrier-pigeon can +reach SMALLEY at London. I am still suffering from a sensation of +having been recently hit,</p> + <p>DICK TINTO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">ASPIRATION.</p> + <p>Of all sorts of people in the world, the Cockney has the +queerest notions about vegetable nature. Show him the first letter of +the alphabet, for instance, and he pronounces it "hay."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">APPARENTLY ANOMALOUS.</p> + <p>Should the Prussians ever succeed in entering Paris, it is +hardly possible that they can be well received by the citizens, whether +they find FAVRE there or not.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PRIVATE GALLERIES.</b></p> + <p><b>The Belmont Collection.</b></p> + <p>This admirable gallery includes among its treasures many of +the old masters and-when open for exhibition—a bewildering collection +of young nurses. The latter are frequently inaccurate in anatomical +details, but in point of brilliancy of color they far outshine the best +efforts of RUBENS and TITIAN. The flesh tints produced by many of our +Fifth Avenue belles infinitely surpass the obsolete tints upon which +the great Venetians used to pride themselves.</p> + <p>In Mr. BELMONT'S gallery there are so many original RAPHAELS +and MURILLOS, painted by the very best European artists of the present +day, that it would occupy far too much of our limited space were we to +notice them in detail. We will therefore pass them by, and simply call +attention to some of the more noteworthy pictures, executed by +contemporary painters, which hang side by side with the more smoky but +hardly less valuable works of antiquity. Prominent among these is a +modest little "Fruit and Flower" piece, by that promising young artist, +Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY. It deserves especial praise for its accurate +copying of nature, the varied beauty of its coloring, and the deep +longing of the heart—the hunger of the soul—which must have inspired +the fair artist. We give a faithful sketch of this charming picture, +though, of course, the glories of its rainbow hues cannot be +represented here.</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/72a.jpg"> + <p><b>FRUIT AND FLOWER PIECE.</b></p> + </center> + <p>A beautiful work, and one evidently inspired by the sound of +battle, is the noble historical painting entitled "On Picket," by Mr. +C.A. DANA, Associate Artist National Academy of Velocipedestrianism. +The artist has produced a picture that must inspire us all with the +absolute truth of the story it so dramatically tells, while he has +filled our hearts with deep sympathy and lofty admiration for the +lovely and heroic combatant depicted on his canvas. Our army +officers—Col. FISK for example—who are ignorant of the sword exercise +may derive a hint from this spirited work, as to the importance of +obtaining a thorough mastery of the fence.</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/72b.jpg"> </center> + <p>Claude's renowned landscape of the "Ruined Mill" is familiar +to all who are acquainted with it, and has been greatly admired by +those who did not feel impelled to condemn its many faults. But CLAUDE +is now known to have been no artist, but a mere pretender. There is +reason to believe that he had never read RUSKIN, and was hence +necessarily ignorant of the aim and method of landscape painting. Our +young friend BROWN, the <i>spirituel</i> and fascinating assistant +Rector of a fashionable uptown church, has in this gallery a rendering +of a similar subject. How manifest is his superiority to CLAUDE! With +what truth and fidelity to nature; with what holy calm, and child-like +faith, and lofty aspiration has BROWN filled his glowing canvas! And +withal, he does not lead us back to the dead faith and traditions of +the past, save to urge us onward in the pathway of—in the pathway—in +short, to urge us on more or less. To those envious minds who affect to +regard BROWN as a mere amateur, an undertaker of more than he has the +ability to execute, we would deign but one reply, and that would be, +"Look at his trees in the picture called the 'Ruins of the Mill,' and +then cower back into your native insignificance."</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/72c.jpg"> + <p><b>RUINS OF A MILL.</b></p> + </center> + <p>There are many other pictures which we would like to notice in +this article, but want of space will forbid us to do so this week. We +have merely room to mention, with warm approbation, the exceedingly +dramatic little <i>genre</i> picture entitled "Shoo-fly," by the +veteran Minstrel, Mr. DANIEL BRYANT, whose recent translation of HOMER +has given him so high a rank among the best German scholars of the day.</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/72d.jpg"> + <p><b>SHOE FLY!</b></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>RULES AND MAXIMS.</b></p> + <p>How they change! ESCULAPIUS now gives to us and our children, +as <i>medicine</i>, what he denounced to the last generation as "<i>pizen</i>." +The heresy of yesterday is the orthodoxy of to-day.</p> + <p>Thus the philosophy of those who are <i>under</i> the turf is +refuted by those who are <i>on</i> the turf. It used to be said in +regard to horses:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"One white foot, buy him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Two white feet, try him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Three white feet, deny him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Four white feet and a white +nose,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Take off his shoes and give +him to the crows."</span> </div> + <p>But the advent of DEXTER has changed the sinister rhyme to:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">One +white foot, spy him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Two white feet, try him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Three white feet, buy him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Four white feet and a white nose,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And a mile in 2-17 he goes.</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>RIGHT TO THE SPOT.</b></p> + <p>Additional spots on the disk of the sun are reported. An +ingenious writer, who candidly states that he is not an astronomer, +accounts for them by suggesting that they are caused by stray shots +from the Prussian sharpshooters who tried to bring down GAMBETTA'S +balloon.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A QUERY FOR STEEPLE-CHASERS.</b></p> + <p>We hear a great deal about "featherweights" in connection with +racing. If there <i>are</i> such things as feather weights, why on +earth don't the managers of Jerome Park races stuff the steeple-chase +jockeys with them, to prevent them from being injured by such accidents +as happened there on the opening day of the Autumn meeting?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO VIII.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">JACK +SPRAT could eat no fat,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">His wife could eat no lean;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so between them both,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">They licked the platter clean.</span> + </div> + <p>JACK SPRAT was a near neighbor to the Poet. He was a +remarkably delicate man, cadaverous and thin. A dyspeptic, always +ailing, he was a subject of pity for his friends, and of wonder to his +acquaintances. But behold the eternal fitness of things. Providence +blessed him with a wife, his opposite in every respect. When extremes +meet, a perfect whole is the result; and in this case it was a perfect +marriage, fit to be sung by poets and embalmed in verse.</p> + <p>When JACK SPRAT met SALLY STUBBS, at a husking party, she took +his eye, and kept it. She filled his heart completely. A rosy-cheeked, +buxom lass, healthy and hearty, dimples and dumplings combined, she +captivated and carried, by sheer force of weight, the delicate soul of +poor JACK.</p> + <p>It was a case of latitude against longitude; strength against +weakness, smiles against tears, laughter against groans. And so the +poor fellow, feeling an unacknowledged desire to find some one able to +support and protect him, yielded to the advice of his friends and his +own inclinations, and laid his attenuated hand, with his poor little +heart in it, at the fat feet of fair SALLY STUBBS.</p> + <p>He was smiled upon, broad-grinned upon, and accepted; and +thereby rendered for the nonce the happiest of men. Tradition has it +that the next day he actually ate a hearty dinner, and did not complain +of his digestion immediately after. But this is considered doubtful by +many.</p> + <p>Fair SALLY, overflowing with the milk of human kindness, and +yearning in her soul to bestow her attentions and corporosity upon +JACK'S attenuosity, urged matters onward, and the wedding day was +fixed, the ring bought, and delicate Mr. SPRAT was led to the altar +like a sheep to the slaughter.</p> + <p>Tremblingly he advanced up the aisle of the village church, +leading his blushing and waddling bride, and took his place, looking +like an exclamation point alongside a parenthesis, before the +black-robed Priest, who speedily put an end to Miss STUBBS, and +presented JACK with a female SPRAT.</p> + <p>Mrs. SPRAT blushed like a full-blown peony as JACK manfully +and courageously saluted her upon one rosy cheek, in the presence of +the assembled guests, and then, to cover her confusion, she giggled and +shook hands energetically with the company, telling JACK to "hold up +his head and do the same, for it was <i>com eel fut</i>, and he must +try to be fashionable at his own wedding."</p> + <p>The Bride carried off the honors manfully, and after the first +few moments recovered from her embarrassment, and appeared as much at +ease as if getting married was an every-day affair, not worth minding. +JACK couldn't get over it so readily, and his teeth chattered till late +in the night. But they stopped after a while; so I am told.</p> + <p>We pass over the first few days devoted to honey-mooning, and +look in upon them as they sit at dinner. He with his greyhound and she +with her cat, both animals attentively watching each morsel that +disappears from their longing gaze into the capacious mouth of master +or mistress. Notice with what dexterity and generosity Mr. SPRAT +selects the fattest parts and skilfully conveys them to Madam's plate, +reserving the lean for himself; occasionally throwing a bone to his +dog, while the lady now and then bestows a fat bit upon Puss, who +slowly licks her lips and winks for more. It is a cozy scene of quiet +domestic bliss, and so continues till the platter is empty; when, both +feeling satisfied for the time, they lean back in their respective +chairs, and gaze complacently upon their pets, each other, and the +empty dishes.</p> + <p>Their wonderful congeniality and quiet happiness became the +subject of wonder to their friends, and of comment and speculation to +the village gossips. Her oleaginous and feather-bed-like disposition +compelled peace, as oil upon the waves, and shed trouble as a duck +sheds water. JACK and his complainings never troubled her; she merely +laughed when he groaned, and offered to rub his back. But he, fearing +the ponderosity of her hand, rarely submitted; his spinal column being +delicate, he dared not risk it.</p> + <p>Village gossips tell many little incidents connected with the +married life of the twain, which would be invidious to mention here. +Suffice it to say that they were considered fit subjects for the +ever-ready pen of the Poet to seize upon and perpetuate in never-dying +verse, for the benefit of posterity. That the Poet was right in his +surmises, we have only to look around and ascertain how many learned +people of all grades have treasured up in their memory, from infancy, +the history of JACK SPRAT and his wife.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN OBVIOUS ILLUSTRATION</b></p> + <p><b>Scene. A Lunch Counter.</b></p> + <p><i>Customer.</i> "Waiter, do you call this a milk toast?—why, +there's no milk to be seen."</p> + <p><i>Waiter.</i> "Milk all gone into the toast, sir."</p> + <p><i>Customer.</i> "But there's no toast to speak of."</p> + <p><i>Waiter.</i> "Toast all gone into the milk, sir."</p> + <p><i>Customer.</i> "Ah, ha!—there's an idea in that, by Jove. +I'll go straight home and write a pamphlet upon the new theory of +mutual absorption."</p> + <p><i>Waiter.</i> "Yes, sir. Don't forget to mention the Kilkenny +Cats, sir!"</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/73.jpg"> + <p><b>ENCOURAGING HOME MANUFACTURES.</b></p> + <p><i>Young Patriot.</i> "GIMME THREE CENTS WORTH O' CHESTNUTS."</p> + <p><i>Female Broker.</i> "D' YER WANT EYETALIAN ONES?"</p> + <p><i>Y. P.</i> "NO, DARN YER—GIMME AMERICAN ONES."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COUNT BISMARCK'S ACCOUNT.</b></p> + <p>BISMARCK'S insolence is really becoming dangerous. He can deny +and contradict the statements made by other Counts, Ambassadors, Kings, +or by himself, without its becoming a matter of sufficient importance +to interest us. Such giving and taking the lie is a part of the +business of persons of this kidney. But he has actually had the +audacity to deny the truthfulness of the report by RUSSELL to the <i>Times</i> +of a conversation held between them. If this thing is not checked in +the bud, he will next be denying—his conversation! with the <i>Tribune</i> +"special," as reported by that ubiquitous observer. What will there be +for the world to believe, if it loses faith in the truthfulness of the +papers?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Con. for the Vatican.</b></p> + <p>Why is VICTOR EMMANUEL like a tomahawk? Because he is now said +to be "a tool in the hands of the Reds."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE "LOUDEST" OF SUNDAYS "SWELLS."</b> The Swell of the +Church organ.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/74.jpg"> + <p>THE PRIZE CALF "S. L. WOODFORD," FATTENED UP BY MESSRS. GREELY +AND CURTIS FOR THE SPECIAL PURPOSE OF BEING CUT UP ON TUESDAY, NOVEMBER +8TH.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"DOST KNOW ME?"</b></p> + <p>Composed by our Special Dangerous Lunatic in one of his Lucid +Intervals.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Dost know me? dost know me? was all the +maiden said,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">As she streamed her golden +tresses through the half-unkneaden bread,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">While the sunset light came +sheening athwart the oaken floor,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And the Headsman chanted his +roundelay at the soul-beshriven door.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Dost know me? dost know me? +rang o'er the heather wild,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">While the dew-drop lifted its +golden head, and the hoary bull-frog</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">smiled;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Yet every eye was dim with +tears, as the shadow of Time replied,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And the echo from over the +moorland drear,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">In cloistered glory and voice +of cheer,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Silently welcomed the Bride.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">"Dost know me? dost know me?" +and a soul from out the gloom</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Welcomed the rippling brooklet +flowing past the tomb,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Gilding the steeples, near and +far, with a dusk and dimsome spleen,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Tipping with crest of golden +fire</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Each mighty CAESAR'S funeral +pyre</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">In its wealth of golden sheen.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">"Dost know me? dost know +me?"—eftsoones the answer came</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">From the lips of the lady with +blonden hair like a wreath of golden</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">flame,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">As she lifted the light of her +beauteous eyes to the questioning</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">lips of the knight,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And muttered those words of +import dire,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And flashed her eyes with a +baleful fire—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Alas! did he hear aright?</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">"I know thee! I know thee! for +thou art the Khouli Khan,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And I am the Empress of +Allahabad, or any other man,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Then turtle soup may lift its +crest o'er the stars in the twilight dim,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Ere I, an Empress of regions +fair,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">With a halo of succulent +blonden hair,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Elope with a Khouli grim."</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Ah me! 'twas sad, and a +gruesome night, when the maiden fair said, "No!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And gave response to the +Knight's demand in accents sweetly low.</span> </div> + <p>THE END.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Gems more clear than this, no doubt, have +oftentimes been seen,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Yet methinks, at least, 'tis a +poem clear</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">As poems which every week appear</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">In the <i>Waverley Magazine</i>.</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"WELL SAID, OLD MOLE!"</b></p> + <p>In a newspaper description of Mr. GREELEY, published some +years since, it was stated that he was born with a mole upon his left +arm. This may or may not be the case; but, judging from the persistence +with which the great agriculturist advocates sub-soil ploughing, there +can be no doubt whatever that he has mole on the brain.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>BLOOD AND THUNDER!</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO learns, without the least surprise, that Mr. +YOUNGBLOOD has retired in disgust from the management of the New York <i>Free +Press</i>. It is further announced that the estimable publication +referred to will henceforth be under the charge of Mr. OLDBLOOD, a +blood relative of all the BADBLOODS belonging to the JOHN REAL +Democracy.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"FALL" WEATHER.</b></p> + <p>The subject of bringing down rain by the firing of artillery +has again been revived, owing to the long droughts that have lately +prevailed. What gives a color of feasibility to it, at present, is the +fact that the Reign of LOUIS NAPOLEON has lately been brought down by +Prussian guns.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/75.jpg"> + <p><b>A SIGHT TOO BAD!</b></p> + <p><i>Struggling Cuba.</i> "YOU MUST BE AWFULLY NEAR-SIGHTED, MR. +PRESIDENT, NOT TO RECOGNIZE ME."</p> + <p><i>U. S. G.</i> "NO: I AM FAR-SIGHTED; FOR I CAN RECOGNIZE +FRANCE."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN'S POLITICAL SENTIMENTS.</b></p> + <p>His Reason for Leaving his Party.—A Catechism for Candidates.</p> + <p>I hain't gilty of any stated polertix, as Ime aware of.</p> + <p>For an old man, Ime helthy and sound as a nut on all public +questions. I use to be an old line Whig, and was a pooty active +thimble-rigger as long as it paid. But when that party refoosed to +renominate me for the offis of Gustese of the Peece, like a thurar bred +polertician, I shook 'em. Said I, standin' ontop a sugar hogshead, at a +primary meetin, which was bein held in SIMMINSES grocery store:—</p> + <p>"Feller sitizens of the Whig party, Refoose to renominate good +men for offisses, and you can pack your duds and git your carpet bags +checkt for the next steamer goin up Salt River.</p> + <p>Leave my name off'n your ticket for another term of offis, and +there won't be enuff left in your old politikle carciss to grease a +flap-jack griddle with. In the words of Mister—Mister—Somebody, "A word +to the wise is—is—enuff to make a—hoss laff."</p> + <p>And here I say it, Mister PUNCHINELLO, I wasent nominated.</p> + <p>Dident I smash things? Gess not! I norgarated a bolt which +spread like pourin keroseen ile over a marble floor, and the next fall, +SCOTT & GRAHAM was nockt hire'n the Himmely mountins, while the old +Whig party shoveled off its mortil quarrel.</p> + <p>Thus, as HORRIS GREELY, in his remarks on politikle Economy, +says: "Vengents, like a 2 tined pitchfork in the hands of Old Nick, +will bust up any party which goes back onto its trusted leaders. +'Vengents is mine,' says the disappinted offis seeker, and on Election +day he peddles split tickets ontil the poles close."</p> + <p>Standin as I do on nootral ground, I wish like JOHN BULL I +could make my nootrality pay as well as J. B. does, by sellin stores to +the Prooshians and the French.</p> + <p>In castin my suferage this fall, I shall go Principals not +men. A <i>principal</i> which is good for its little 7 per cent. <i>intrest</i> +payable semi-annually, is what ales me.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">High-toned +(?) principals, and not men,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Is what's the matter in this +ere breast,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Lait Gustise his influence +will lend</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To him whose <i>principal</i> +pays the best.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 6.25em;">(Campane poickry.)</span> </div> + <p>I have prepared a serious of questions, which I propose to ask +candydates who come sneakin around for my sufferage.</p> + <p><i>Skedyule of Interogertories.</i></p> + <p>What's your <i>principals,</i> and is the interest payable in +gold or greenbax?</p> + <p>If elected to offis, will you squander all your salary and +retire poorer than a church mouse? or will you give <i>such strict +attention to your dooties</i> as will enable you to salt down +$100,000.00 per yeer from the enormous salary of $1500.00 ($ fifteen +hundred)?</p> + <p>Do you think, takin an <i>iron</i> clad oath has got anything +to do with a sertin commandment which says, "Thou shalt not <i>steel</i>"?</p> + <p>Are you a beleiver in E. CADY STANTON'S revoolushinary idees, +that woman is the "coming man," and if so, how do you like it as fur as +yoo've got?</p> + <p>Do you think THEODORE TILTON, ED STUDWELL, STEVE GRISWOLD, +FRED DUGLIS, and SOOSAN B. ANTHONY would make as good Presidents of the +U.S. as a man would?</p> + <p>Is your wife one of them strong-minded critters, who believes +that husbands had orter stay home and nuss the baby while she goes out +and plays baseball?</p> + <p>Will you fall onto a voter's sholders, who eats garlix and +onions, and shed tears as freely the day arter eleckshun as you will +the nite before?</p> + <p>Could you sing the "Battle-cry of freedom" so luvly, if it +wasent for Unkle Sam's <i>Notes</i>?</p> + <p>Would you have any objections, if our National and Common +Counsels, like that of Rome, should organize <i>Economikle</i> +Counsels?</p> + <p>In the war on tother side of the pond, is your sympathies for +Lager or Pea soup?</p> + <p>If you want the German vote, don't you think it would be your +politikle <i>bier</i> to get at <i>lager</i>-heads with the Prushians?</p> + <p>Did you ever think before, that yourself and family, way back +15 or 20 generations in the grave, were such a lot of low-lived +villyians as the opposition papers say you be? and haint it a mistery +to you that you are allowed to go unhung?</p> + <p>Did you commit the NATHAN murder? if so, why dident you call +off your <i>"dorg"?</i></p> + <p>Do you know as much about farmin as HORRIS GREELY does? if so, +who told you?</p> + <p>Are you a Fenian, Know-nothin, Mason, Anti-mason, Labor +Reformer, Anti-labor Reformer, a Chineese cooler, Anti-Chineese cooler, +and the "wickedest man in N.Y."? Are you in favor of free trade, high +tariff, free whiskey, whiskey tax, JIM FISK, MARETZEK, Tammany, the +Young Democracy, Grand Army of the Republicans, GEO. F. TRAIN, MRS. +CUNNINGHAM, and the D—l?</p> + <p>In fact, like JOSEFF, have you got a cote of many cullers?</p> + <p>Any candydate who can give affirmative ansers to the foregoin +Catekism, and is willin to show his <i>principals</i> by bleedin +freely, can get my vote, sure popp.</p> + <p>Ewers trooly, & I haint afrade To jine the bread & +butter brigade.</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peese.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">LAST WORDS OF EMINENT MEN.</p> + <p>Selected by Sarsfield Young.</p> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <p>I die a true American.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>WM. POOLE.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me where I fall.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>BILLY BOWLEGS, and other military heroes.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>The die is <i>Caste</i>.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>T. W. ROBERTSON.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me where the woodbine twineth.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>Col. JAMES FISK, Jr.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Fools, 'od rot 'em!</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>HIGGINBOTTOM.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me in the Fall.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>The Poet who "would not die in Spring-time."</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Don't give up the ship! [the Secretary-ship.]</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>CHAS. SUMNER to Sec. STANTON.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me where I fall back.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>Gen. O'NEILL, of the Fenian Army.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Give me liberty, or give me death, with a decided +preference for ANASTASIA.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>Poor PILLICODDY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me in the Falls</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>SAM PATCH.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>If any one dare haul down the American flag—wait till +you see the white of his eyes, then—shoot him on the spot.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>C.L. VALLANDIGHAM.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Let BROWN (or some other first-class sexton) bury me +where I fall.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>Capt. KIDD.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>As I cannot lay my sword at the feet of my army, I die +at the head of your Majesty.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>LOUIS NAPOLEON.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A FREE TRADER.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now +gentlemen, of every kind,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Just step into my shop,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, as I'm hard to pacify,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">You'd better bring a sop;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'll dress you up in any style</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For which you choose to call,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But then, you must bring ready +cash,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Because I shines for all.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'm always ready for a trade,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">No matter what its kind;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'll dress you up so very neat,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">If your bid suits my mind.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If, when I ask the custom house,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He says, "Give it I sha'n't,"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">DAVIS and FISH I strike, because</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I does not shine for GRANT.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sometimes I send a little bill</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For goods they have not had,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And if they do not pay at once</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Then I gets awful mad.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of public pap I'm very fond,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I'd like to get it all,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, if they block my little game,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I does not shine for HALL.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I've lampooned every decent man,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Who with me would not trade;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I keep a little book account</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Of those who have not paid:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So, if you don't enjoy free trade,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Don't listen to my call;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'll give you good names for good +pay,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Because I shines for all.</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/78.jpg"> + <p>When you go to the theater, it is pleasant to have the little +boy of a rustic couple persist in feeding you with gingerbread and +orange-peel, and, if you request the little wretch to keep still, to be +told by his parents that you are "putting on airs."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MEDICAL CONFIDENCE GAME.</b></p> + <p>Mr. Punchinello has lately received a medical publication, in +which there are some editorial remarks concerning the relations between +physicians and their patients. The latter are exhorted to place all +confidence in their medical advisers, for, otherwise, there can be no +harmonious action between them. This is all very well, and Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks that if anything in this world should be the subject +of sacred confidences, it should be the revelations of the sick-room. +But, after reading the reports of the various cases which are detailed +in this publication, his faith in the advisability of confiding in +one's doctor was somewhat shaken. For instance, when he read that "Miss +ANNA P-----, aged 25, of blonde complexion and apparent good health, +residing near Jefferson avenue and Sixty-eighth street, had been +subject for years to convolutions of the cerebral hemispheres, and had +been obliged at various times to submit to partial amputations of +horn-like excrescences on the divisions of her manual extremities," Mr. +PUNCHINELLO was of opinion that this young lady, who could be easily +recognized from the hints (?) of her name and residence, might possibly +object to the announcement, to all her friends and acquaintances, that +she had cerebral hemispheres, and still more to the fact that they were +convoluted. But this dreadful truth is published, under the merest film +of concealment of her identity, to the whole world, and her physical +condition and subsequent surgical treatment may be town-talk for the +rest of her life. Where is the "sacred confidence" here?</p> + <p>There are dozens of similar cases in the publication referred +to, and medical journals are, in general, full of them.</p> + <p>Will it therefore be wondered at if we don't want all the +world to know, every time we call in a doctor, that we may have a +"parenchyma of the lung," or a "sub-conjunctival cellular tissue," that +we will begin some day to insist as much upon medical honor as medical +ability? Mr. PUNCHINELLO thinks not.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"FIAT LUX."</b></p> + <p>We learn that our Third Assistant Postmaster-General has been +indisposed for some days, owing to his excessive labor in breaking +envelope contracts. Why does the Postmaster-General allow his +subordinates thus to overwork themselves? We wish he would shed a REAY +of light on the subject.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SCIENCE AND ENDURANCE.</b></p> + <p>When people undertake any thing in the cause of Science, or +indeed in any other cause, they might as well do their best while they +have a chance. This is an axiom of social economy which is presented, +gratis, to the world.</p> + <p>Now, the three scientific men who intend passing the winter on +the top of Mount Washington, might certainly find some other manner of +spending the cold months in the interests of science which would be +much more difficult and disagreeable. They expect to be snowed up at +the Tip-top House, from December until March, and will spend their time +in a room lined with felt, where they will burn twenty tons of coal +during their sojourn.</p> + <p>Almost any one could do all this. If the scientific gentlemen +in question desire to undergo some really notable hardships there are +plenty of deep lakes in New York, at the bottom of which they might +spend the winter in a diving-bell. They would probably be frozen in +until March, and they would find it much more difficult to use their +instruments, and everything far more disagreeable, generally, than in a +large room in the Tip-top House. Still if they would prefer something +still more arduous, let them ride day and night, from December until +March, in the Third Avenue cars of this city. If they were to do this, +and confine their scientific labors to observations of the decidedly +mean altitude of the Sun, they would probably suffer more, in a given +time, than any previous party of learned men, and thus accomplish their +object much better than by deliberately allowing themselves to be +snowed up on Mount Washington.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A SURPRISING PROPHECY.</b></p> + <p>Years ago Mr. PUNCHINELLO had a very old grandfather, and he +well remembers that on the <i>inside</i> of the lid of a certain +horse-hair trunk, the property of that estimable old man, was pasted a +bit of poetical prophecy, the words of which embedded themselves, like +the hot letters of a branding-iron, on the tender skin of Mr. +PUNCHINELLO'S mind. The following is the prophecy:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Add +seventy-four and 62,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And forty and 900 too;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Then, if to this sum you place</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Seven hundred and an ace,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You will surely find the year</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">When they ought to disappear—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Both a Certain Holy 'un</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the last NAPOLEON.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And darkness will come wholly on</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Sun. Day, natheless, will glow</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Down in the regions far below."</span> + </div> + <p>Now this is certainly a very astounding prophecy. If the +numbers mentioned at the beginning of the oracular ditty be added +together without using the ace, they make the year 1776. Now the value +of an ace in Seven-up (and seven is the uppermost word in the line in +which our ace occurs) is four. So four, added to the former sum, makes +the year 1780. But even the first NAPOLEON had not made his appearance +in this year, and so it would seem there must be a mistake somewhere. +But such is not the case. If, after the manner of the regular +prophecy-makers, we treat this sum according to the rule of +probabilities, we shall see that, if "seventeen-eighty" will not work +prophecy, we must reverse the year and call it "eighteen-seventy." This +hits the mark exactly, and makes us tremble at the prophetic power of +some of those old delvers in the mines of dark prediction.</p> + <p>For now we see plainly that not only the Pope and the +ex-Emperor of France will probably disappear this year from the scenes +of their glory, but that the Sun, over which a certain dirty mistiness +has been stealing for some time past, will be entirely shrouded in the +blackness of ruin. The lines</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"----Day, +natheless, will glow</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Down in the regions far below,"</span> + </div> + <p>doubtless refer to DANA the less, who, when his sheet is +utterly overwhelmed in its self-made oblivion, will deserve, and +probably obtain, all the brightness and warmth to which the verse +refers.</p> + <p>Placing this astounding prediction by the side of the amazing +events of the present year, it is impossible for Mr. PUNCHINELLO to +repress his feelings of wonder and awe!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</p> + <p><img alt="T" align="left" src="images/79.jpg">here is an old +conundrum song that begins—"Why do summer roses fade?" The late ARTEMUS +WARD thought they did it as a matter of business. Why do the "Two +Roses" bloom? That is WALLACK'S business. Also just now it happens to +be mine.</p> + <p>The modern English comedy is divided into two kinds. Everybody +will consider this statement a conundrum, and answer,—"Bad and good." +Wrong, my little dears. All your lexicographers agree that "kind" +means a "race," which is absurd, because a horse-race, for instance, is +anything but kind. But they explain by saying that it means a genus. +Good plays are not a genus. They are freaks of nature, like the woolly +horse and the sacred cow; only, when they are produced, so many people +will not pay money to see them as to see the w.h. and the s.c.</p> + <p>The division of modern plays, as JONATHAN EDWARDS said +wittily, in his sparkling treatise on "The Will," is into the tame and +the wild. For the latter the recipe is simple. Take some black false +beads, hatchets, pistols, a "dog"—not a quadruped, but the article +which was left in Mr. NATHAN'S hall—a woman in black hair and a white +garment, suggestive of repose, strolling at midnight by the banks of +the prattling East River, foot of Grand Street, and set a house afire +at the end of the third act. That is the BOUCICAULT style, and as the +flippant EDWARDS goes on to observe, it draws like a factory chimney in +the Bowery and at NIBLO's.</p> + <p>But this sort of thing will not do at all at WALLACK'S. Of +course not. STODDART is permitted to swear there, to be sure; but I +understand that he does it for fear people should call WALLACK'S the +hall of the Old Men's Christian Association. With that exception there +is, as somebody said about something, absolutely nothing to offend the +most fastidious. Any person who exhibits excitement upon the stage is +discharged at the end of the week with a pension. Miss MOORE is +permitted to weep, but she does it so quietly and nicely that it does +not disturb anybody. And the ushers have received strict orders to +eject anybody in the audience who manifests any marked interest in the +performance. A friend of mine from Peoria once went to WALLACK'S, and +took no pains whatever to conceal his admiration of the acting. On the +contrary, at a particularly nice point, he actually clapped his hands +together twice. Of course he was arrested for breach of the peace, and +locked up over night. But the management declined, to prosecute when it +was represented to them that the man had lately seen McKEAN BUCHANAN at +the Peoria Academy of Music, and that he could not help testifying his +gratification that LESTER WALLACK behaved so differently, and he was +discharged. He went back to Peoria, and told his neighbors that there +was a place in New York where they got up a yawning match (this coarse +person called it a "gaping bee") every night between the stage and the +audience, and the stage always won.</p> + <p>Now we know, that is those of us who are in good society, that +what this uncouth rustic mistook for indifference is the air of +society. TALLEYRAND said, or somebody said he said, that the use of +language was to conceal thought. Go to WALLACK'S and you will see that +the art of acting is to suppress emotions. Everything is below +concert-pitch, except perhaps the orchestra, which insists upon playing +lively and popular music, instead of doing the Dead March in Saul for a +funeral procession while the audience files out dreamily to drink, and +empties some dull opiate to the drains. The entire audience are making +heroic efforts all through the play to prevent each other from seeing +that they know they are listening to the most finished acting to be +seen anywhere, and looking at the prettiest stage pictures ever set. +All the actors are all the while trying to conceal the fact that they +are doing any good acting. The whole theatre is in a condition of sweet +repose, like the placid bosom of a mill-pond on a summer afternoon, +when STODDART shoots the Dam.</p> + <p>Well, when you have society theatres, where they do this sort +of thing, you must have society plays. The recipe for these is +different from the gallon of gore and the ton of thunder which make up +the other sort. You must have your actors representing people who are +always bored to death, if you wish to maintain the respect and +patronage of a society audience, whose ambition is to seem to be always +bored to death in real life. You must have what the sweet but-not +exemplary SWINBURNE calls "the lilies and languors of virtue" at +WALLACK'S, to balance "the raptures and roses of vice" which you get at +the sensational shops. People may fall in love, in a mild way, as they +do in society, but they must not undergo the ravages of that passion, +as it is exhibited out of society. They are, so to speak, vaccinated +for love, and they are safe from the virulent confluent or even the +varioloid type of the original malady. They may also transact business, +of a high-toned sort, and sometimes they get out of temper. But their +main employment is to wander about and yawn, or to sit down and sneer.</p> + <p>There is a laborious lunatic who makes ice at the fair of the +American Institute, with the thermometer at 80° or so in the shade. +(Note to Editor.—I don't know the man from ADAM, and have received no +consideration from him whatever for this allusion,) I believe his ice +costs this ingenious individual about four dollars per pound to +make—but no matter. Well, this is exactly the trick by which you make +society plays. ROBERTSON does it to perfection. He is the patent +refrigerator. And the man who did "The Two Roses" has plagiarized his +process and reproduced his results. I don't know whether the idea is to +interest people in what is uninteresting, or to uninterest people in +what is interesting. But he does both.</p> + <p>Perhaps, however, some absurd person would like to know +something about this play. There is a commercial traveller in it, who +is taken, by-the-by, bodily and even to his checked trousers, out of +one of ROBERTSON'S plays. The only addition that has been made is that +this one swears. But then STODDART personates him. This commercial +traveller has a wife. To whom, by-the-by, did it ever occur, before the +author of this play, that commercial travellers could have wives? The +wife of this itinerant commercial person is a stationary commercial +person, who keeps a boarding-house which the youths, the heroes of the +play, have the misery to inhabit. All this is undeniably low for +WALLACK'S, and the sales-ladies in the audience express their sense of +that fact by intimating that EFFIE GERMON'S jewels are not real, and +the sales-gentlemen by confiding to one another at the bar, whither +they wend after the second act to quaff the maddening sarsaparilla, +that WALLACK'S is running down.</p> + <p>As I have abused several revered institutions in these few +lines. I will, in terror of public opinion and private wrath, execute a +small variation on my usual and familiar autograph, and sign myself</p> + <p>PICADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>VORACIOUS VEGETATION.</b></p> + <p>It appears that our ever-active Park Commissioners are making +vigorous efforts to establish a Zoological Garden in Central Park. It +has been generally supposed that gardens were either horticultural or +agricultural; but if the Commissioners can get up anything of the kind +which shall be zoological, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has not the least objection +in the world. He supposes that in such a garden the principal plants +will be Tiger-lilies, Cock's-combs, Larkspurs, Ragged Robins, +Coltsfoots, Horse-chestnuts, Goose-berries, Dandelions, Foxgloves, and +Dog-wood. If full crops are desired, a good many pigeons and chickens +should be kept on the grounds, and that portion of the gardens devoted +to leg-uminous products will probably be occupied by storks and +giraffes.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Q.</b></p> + <p>Is it likely that a set of Chinese gardeners would be able to +mind, at the same time, both their Peas and their Queues?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/80.jpg"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">"ENGLISH GRAMMAR INCLUDED."</p> + <p><i>1st Young Gentleman</i>. "I TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S AWFUL HARD +TO GET ANYTHING TO DO, JUST NOW."</p> + <p><i>2d ditto</i>. "THAT'S SO. I SEEN AN ADVERTISEMENT YESTERDAY +FOR A TUTOR IN A FAMILY, AND I'VE JUST BIN AND WROTE AN ANSWER."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE QUEUE-RIOUS FUTURE.</b></p> + <p>Of all the queues which any man or any nation ever gave to +another, the Chinese have supplied us with the most queue-rious. The +arrived man from that celestial part of the world, who is now so +industriously engaged washing for us in New Jersey, and again, making +our shoes in Massachusetts, and who proposes to be our dairymaid, our +chambermaid, our barmaid, and, if BARNUM will go into the humbug +business again, our mermaid, brought the queue on the back of his head +when he crossed the Pacific Ocean, and landed on the coast of +California. Thence he conveyed it across the Plains, and now our +mothers are going back to <i>two</i> queues such as those they wore +when the roses which bloomed upon their cheeks were not produced by +rouge, and to comprehend the lessons in the school-books which they +carried was the severest trial which they knew, except, indeed, the +restrained desire to get married. And our fathers will wear one tail, +as did their ancestors, who curled those appendages gracefully around +the limbs of the trees while they played base-ball with cocoanuts, or +visited in that nimble manner in which none other than monkeys are +capable of moving about. Our great American agriculturist, too, who has +ploughed so deeply in the <i>Tribune</i> office, is going to look like +a Chinese; and she, who has given us our Caudle lectures now for many +years past, will exhibit ANNA DICKINSON as a convert to two tails. +Next, he who serves up for us our religion every once a week in the +form of sanctimonious speeches on the subject of political economy, +will let his congregation go behind Plymouth Pulpit for the purpose of +getting their queues for the next Sunday love-feast by observing his. +The "long" and the "short" of the new vanity, however, will be found in +fullest perfection among the bully-bears in Wall street, who, of all +other honest men, are best able to teach the rising generation the +significance of "heads I win, tails you lose." Then, again, in the far +future perhaps some industrious antiquary will exhume an awful tail of +the present generation that was invented by Mrs. H.B. STOWE, when she +looked across the Atlantic Ocean, and interviewed the ghost of BYRON. +The future is going to be glorious and queue-rious for all who wish to +up-braid, and when our fathers pass us, and we see their heads, we will +be convinced that thereby hangs a tail; also, when our mothers' heads +go by, that thereby hang two tails.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN ODE-IOUS SUGGESTION.</b></p> + <p>Swinburne has written an ode to the French Republic. This +lofty rhyme is built up of strophes, anti-strophes, and an epode. In +its construction, and grandiloquence are thrown about with the careless +disregard for innocent passers-by which characterizes that poet's +freedom of style. Most probably no sane English-speaking person has +read it through and preserved his sanity. The poet's idea in writing it +was to get the French engaged in trying to understand it, and the +Germans to engage in translating it, and thus stop the war by pure +exhaustion of the combatants. The idea was good, but hardly practical.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SOCIAL SCIENCE BY TELEGRAPH.</b></p> + <p>The right of an independent Briton to beat his wife without +being liable to impertinent foreign interference is well known to be +one of the most precious privileges inherited from Magna Charta. The +national use of this privilege is now generally considered, by social +philosophers, to be the foundation of the love of "fair play," so +universally characteristic of the English. It is only upon this ground +that we can account for the following item recently telegraphed from +London as a <i>special to the N. Y. Times</i>.</p> + <p>"It is curious to see that, while the married men of the city +are against interference, all military and naval men are loud in +expressions of indignation because no effort is made by England to save +France from ruin."</p> + <p>As we see it, this is not curious at all. To the comprehensive +English mind, the war in Europe is a mere family quarrel, on a large +scale. But what is really curious the special does not tell us. What +position do the military and naval men take who happen to be married?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A GROWL FROM A BRITON.</b></p> + <p>Mr. Punchinello:—One of the balloon reporters from Paris says:</p> + <p>"Great care is taken to save food from waste. There is much +horse-flesh eaten."</p> + <p>For a Frenchman in a state of siege horse-flesh is all +right—the French eat frogs, you know, and horses have frogs in their +feet. What I like about the thing in Paris, though, is that they <i>call</i> +it horse-flesh, and don't try to jerk it on a fellow for beef. Jerked +beef is bad enough, but only think of jerked horse, by Jove, you know!</p> + <p>Now I want to say that here in New York, not being in a state +of siege, we are eating a lot more horse-flesh than we know of, all the +same—but they call it beef.</p> + <p>Look here, now.</p> + <p>I take my grub, sometimes (only for the sake of seeing life, +you know), at a decent sort of a place enough, to which butchers +resort. There is a man always to be seen there at grub time, a +cockish-looking fellow, somewhat, with a horse-shoe pin in his scarf, +and he is as thick as thieves with the butchers. Yesterday, for the +first time, I got an inkling of who and what he is. I saw him +performing an operation upon a horse, in the yard of a livery stable. +He is a VETERINARY SURGEON! He consorts with BUTCHERS! Put that and +that together, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and see what you can make of it. And +the duffer always eats mutton, too, or fish. I never yet heard him call +for beef. He knows all about nag, and likes it alive, but he is not to +be nagged into eating it. Neigh! neigh!</p> + <p>Yours, irascibly,</p> + <p>YORKSHIRE-PUDDINGHEAD.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>DEAD BEATS.</b> Muffled drums.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A. T. STEWART & CO,</big></p> + <p>ARE OFFERING</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS</p> + <p>IN</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE,</span><br> +FULL REGULAR MAKES,<br> +From 35 cents per pair upward.</p> + <p>ALSO,<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">GENTLEMEN'S HALF HOSE,</span><br> +EXTRA QUALITY,<br> +25 cents per pair upward.</p> + <p>LARGE LINES OF<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ladies' and Gentlemen's</span></big><br> +Silk and Merino Underwear.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="3"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><b + style="font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Grand Exposition.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A. T. STEWART & CO.</big></p> + <p><small>HAVE OPENED</small></p> + <p>A Splendid Assortment of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PARIS MADE DRESSES,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>From Worth E Pingnet and +other Celebrated Makers</small></p> + <p><small>ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS,</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE,</span></p> + <p>Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not superior, to any in +this city.</p> + <p><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Millinery, Bonnets, +& Hats</span></big><br> +Eligantly Trimmed, from Virot'<br> +and other Modletes of the<br> +highest Parisian standing.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The Prices of the Above are +Extremely Attractive.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. STEWART & CO.</big></big></p> + <p>ARE OFFERING</p> + <p>A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>American Moquette<br> +CARPETS,</big></p> + <p>IN NEW AND ELEGANT DESIGNS,<br> +Warranted equal in quality and coloring to the very best French.</p> + <p>Price only $3.50 per Yard.</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Crossley's Best Quality +Tapestry</span> Brussels,<br> +$1.25 per Yard.</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Crossley's Velvets, Extra +Quality,</span><br> +$2.25 per Yard.</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Five-Frame English Body +Brussels,</span><br> +$1.75 per Yard.</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">ROYAL WILTONS,</span><br> +$2.50 and $3 per Yard.</p> + <p>ALSO,<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Paris Quality Moquettes,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">AXMINSTERS BY THE YARD,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Aubusson & Axminster Carpets</span><br> +IN ONE PIECE,<br> +WITH SPLENDID MEDALLIONS AND BORDERS<br> +TO MATCH.</p> + <p>AND THEY ARE CONSTANTLY IN THE RECEIPT<br> + <small>OF</small><br> +ALL THE NOVELTIES<br> +IN THE ABOVE LINE, AS PRODUCED.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/82.jpg"> + <p><b>"THE HARMONY OF THE EVENING."</b></p> + <p><i>Romantic Youth (with more assurance than voice)</i>.<br> +"I CANNOT SING THAT OLD SONG."</p> + <p><i>Voice from next room</i>. "THEN DON'T—THAT'S A GOOD FELLOW!"</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span></small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">IS BY FAR THE +CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</span></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, +MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, NASHVILLE, MOBILE,</span> <b><br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point."<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> Sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp.</small></p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10091 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/10091-h/images/67.jpg b/10091-h/images/67.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b7a08a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/67.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/69.jpg b/10091-h/images/69.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c355f6a --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/69.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/70.jpg b/10091-h/images/70.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d36a4c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/70.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/71.jpg b/10091-h/images/71.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cff15b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/71.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/72a.jpg b/10091-h/images/72a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf57d9c --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/72a.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/72b.jpg b/10091-h/images/72b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd62652 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/72b.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/72c.jpg b/10091-h/images/72c.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..76eb171 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/72c.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/72d.jpg b/10091-h/images/72d.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc5b79c --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/72d.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/73.jpg b/10091-h/images/73.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..67e930b --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/73.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/74.jpg b/10091-h/images/74.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..db9c5b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/74.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/75.jpg b/10091-h/images/75.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c12e16e --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/75.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/78.jpg b/10091-h/images/78.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2379bcd --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/78.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/79.jpg b/10091-h/images/79.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd3c181 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/79.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/80.jpg b/10091-h/images/80.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6c92341 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/80.jpg diff --git a/10091-h/images/82.jpg b/10091-h/images/82.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7a5d095 --- /dev/null +++ b/10091-h/images/82.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..78b9217 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #10091 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/10091) diff --git a/old/10091-8.txt b/old/10091-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..705d40d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10091-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2650 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, October +29, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, October 29, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2003 [EBook #10091] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 31 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + |to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen Manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. II. No. 31. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +As an Adaptation of the Original English version, was concluded in the +last Number. The remaining portion will be continued as Original. + +By ORPHEUS C. 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BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer; | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXV. + +THE SKELETON IS MCLAUGHLIN'S CLOSET. + +Night, spotted with stars, like a black leopard, crouched once more upon +Bumsteadville, and her one eye to be seen in profile, the moon, glared +upon the helpless place with something of a cat's nocturnal stare of +glassy vision for a stupefied mouse. Midnight had come with its twelve +tinkling drops more of opiate, to deepen the stupor of all things almost +unto death, and still the light shone luridly through the +window-curtains of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, and still the lonely musician +sat stiffly at a dinner-table spread for three, whereof only a goblet, a +curious antique black bottle, a bowl of sugar, a saucer of lemon-slices, +a decanter of water, and a saucer of cloves appeared to have been used +by the solitary diner. + +Unconscious that, through the door ajar at his back, a pair of vigilant +human orbs were upon him, the ritualistic organist, who was in very low +spirits, drew an emaciated and rather unsteady hand repeatedly across +his perspiring brow, and talked in deep bass to himself. + +"He came in, af'r' bein' brisgly walked up'n-down the turnpike by +PENDRAGON, and slammed himself down-'n-that-chair," ran the soliloquy, +with a ghostly nod towards an opposite chair, drawn back from the table. +"'Inebrious boy!' says I, sternly, 'how-are-y'-now?' He said +'Poorawell;' 'n' wen' down on-er-floor fas'hleep! I w's +scan'l'ized.--Whowoonbe?--I took m' umbrella 'n' thrashed 'm with it, +remarking 'F'shame! waygup! mis'able boy! 's poorysight-f'r-'nuncle-t' +see-'s-nephew-'n-this-p'litical-c'ndit'n.'--H'slep on; 'n' 't last I +picked up him, 'n' umbrella, 'n' took 'm out t' some cool place +t'shleep't off. _Where'd'_ I take him? Thashwazmarrer--_where'd'_ I +leave'm?" + +Repeating this question to himself, with an almost frenzied intensity, +the gloomy victim of a treacherous memory threw an unearthly stare of +bloodshot questioning all over the room, and, after a swaying motion or +two of the upper half of his body, pitched forward, with his forehead +crashing upon the table. Instantly recovering himself, and starting to +rub his head, he as suddenly checked that palliative process by a wild +run to his feet and a hideous bellow. + +"_I r'memb'r, now!_" he ejaculated, walking excitedly at a series of +obtuse angles all over the apartment. + +"Got-'t-knockedinto-m'-head-'t-last. Pauper bur'l ground--J. +M'GLAUGHLIN. Down'n cellar--cool placefa' man's tight--lef' m' umbrella +there by m'stake--go'n' get't thishmin't--" + +Managing, after several inaccurate aims at the doorway, to plunge into +the adjacent bedroom, he presently reappeared from thence, veering +hard-aport, with a lighted lantern in his right hand. Then, circuitously +approaching the neglected dining-table, he grasped with his disengaged +digits at the antique black bottle, missed it, went all the way around +the board before he could stop himself, clutched and missed again, went +clear around once more, and finally effected the capture. "Th 'peared t' +be two," he muttered, placing the prize in one of his pockets; and, with +a triumphant stride, made for the half-open hall-door through which the +eyes had been watching him. + +The owner of those eyes, and of a surprising head of florid hair, had +barely time to draw back into the shadow of the corridor and notice an +approaching face like that of one walking in his sleep, when the +clove-eater swung disjointedly by him, with jingling lantern, and went +fiercely bumping down the stairway. Closely, without sound, followed the +watcher, and the two, like man and shadow, went out from the house into +the quarry of the moon-eyed black leopard. + +Fully bound now in the sinister spell of the spice of the Molucca +islands, Mr. BUMSTEAD had regained that condition of his duplex +existence to which belonged the disposition he had made of his lethargic +nephew and alpaca umbrella on that confused Christmas night; and with +such realization of a distinct duality came back to him at least a +partial recollection of where he had put the cherished two. Finding Mr. +E. DROOD rather overcome by the more festive features of the +meal,--notwithstanding his walk at midnight with Mr. PENDRAGON,--he had +allowed his avuncular displeasure thereat to betray itself in a +threshing administered with the umbrella. Observing that the young man +still slept beside the chair from which he fell, he had ultimately, and +with the umbrella still under his arm raised the dishevelled nephew +head-downward in his arms, and impatiently conveyed him from the heated +room and house to the coolest retreat he could think of. There +depositing him, and, in his hurry, the umbrella also, to sleep off, +under reviving atmospheric influences, the unseemly effect of the +evening's banquet, he had gone back on both sides of the road to his +boarding-house, and, with his boots upon the pillow, sunk into an +instantaneous sleep of unfathomable depth. Dreaming, towards morning, +that he was engaging a large boa-constrictor in single combat, and +struggling energetically to restrain the ferocious reptile from getting +into his boots, he had suddenly awakened, with a crash, upon the +floor--to miss his umbrella and nephew, to forget where he had put them, +and to fly to Gospeler's Gulch with incoherent charges of larceny and +manslaughter. All this he could now vaguely recall, his present +psychological condition, or trance-state, being the same as then; and +was going entrancedly back to the hiding-place where, with the best of +motives, he had forgetfully left the two objects dearest to him in life. + +On, then, proceeded the Ritualistic organist in the tawny light of the +black leopard's eye: his stealthy follower trailing closely after in the +shade of the roadside trees where the star-spotted leopard's black paws +were plunged deepest. On he went, in zig-zag profusion of steps and +occasional high skips over incidental shadows of branches which he for +snakes, until the Pauper Burial Ground was reached, and MCLAUGHLIN'S +hidden subterranean retreat therein attained. It was the same weird spot +to which he had been brought by Old MORTARITY on the wintry night of +their unholy exploring party; and, without appearing to be surprised +that the entrance to the excavation was open, he eagerly descended by +the rickety step-ladder, and held himself steady by the latter while +throwing the light of his lantern around the mouldy walls. + +His immediate hiccup, provoked by the dampness of the situation, was +answered by a groan, which, instead of being solid, was very hollow; +and, as he peered vivaciously forward behind his extended lantern, there +advanced from a far corner--O, woeful man! O, thrice unhappy uncle!--the +spectral figure of the missing EDWIN DROOD! + +After a moment's inspection of the apparition, which paused terribly +before him with hand hidden in breast, Mr. BUMSTEAD placed his lantern +upon a step of the ladder, drew and profoundly labiated his antique +black bottle, thoughtfully crunched a couple of cloves from another +pocket--staring stonily all the while--and then addressed the youthful +shade:-- + +"Where's th' umbrella?" + +"Monster of forgetfulness! murderer of memory!" spoke the spirit, +sternly. "In this, the last rough resting place of the impecunious dead, +do you dare to discuss commonplace topics with one of the departed? Look +at me, uncle, clove-befogged, and shrink appalled from the dread sight, +and pray for mercy." + +"Ishthis prop'r language t' address-t'-y'r-relative?" inquired Mr. +BUMSTEAD, in a severely reproachful manner. + +"Relative!" repeated the apparition, sepulchrally. "What sort of +relative is he, who, when his sister's orphaned son is sleeping at his +feet, conveys the unconscious orphan, head downward, through a midnight +tempest, to a place like this, and leaves him here, and then forgets +where he has put him?" + +"I give't up," said the organist, after a moment's consideration. + +"The answer is: he's a dead-beat." continued the young ghost, losing his +temper. "And what, JOHN BUMSTEAD, did you do with my oroide watch and +other jewels?" + +"Musht've spilt'm on the road here," returned the musing uncle, faintly +remembering that they had been found upon the turnpike, shortly after +Christmas, by Gospeler SIMPSON. "Are you dead, EDWIN?" + +"Did you not bury me here alive, and close the opening to my tomb, and +go away and charge everybody with my murder?" asked the spectre, +bitterly. "O, uncle, hard of head and paralyzed in recollection! is it +any good excuse for sacrificing my poor life, that, in your cloven +state, you put me down a cellar, like a pan of milk, and then could not +remember where you'd put me? And was it noble, then, to go to her whom +you supposed had been my chosen bride, and offer wedlock to her on your +own account?" + +"I was acting as y'r-executor, EDWIN," explained the uncle. "I did +ev'thing forth' besht." + +"And does the sight of me fill you with no terror, no remorse, unfeeling +man?" groaned the ghost. + +"Yeshir," answered Mr. BUMSTEAD, with sudden energy. "Yeshir. I'm +r'morseful on 'count of th' umbrella. Who-d'-y'-lend-'t-to?" + +It is an intellectual characteristic of the more advanced degrees of the +clove-trance, that, while the tranced individual can perceive objects, +even to occasional duplexity, and hear remarks more or less distinctly, +neither objects nor remarks are positively associated by him with any +perspicuous idea. Thus, while the Ritualistic organist had a blurred +perception of his nephew's conversational remains, and was dimly +conscious that the tone of the supernatural remarks addressed to himself +was not wholly congratulatory, he still presented a physical and moral +aspect of dense insensibility. + +Momentarily nonplussed by such unheard-of calmness under a ghostly +visitation, the apparition, without changing position, allowed itself to +roll one inquiring eye towards the opening above the step-ladder, where +the moonlight revealed an attentive head of red hair. Catching the +glance, the head allowed a hand belonging to it to appear at the opening +and motion downward. + +"Look there, then," said the intelligent ghost to its uncle, pointing to +the ground near its feet. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD, rousing from a brief doze, glanced indifferently towards +the spot indicated; but, in another instant, was on his knees beside the +undefined object he there beheld. A keen, breathless scrutiny, a +frenzied clutch with both hands, and then he was upon his feet again, +holding close to the lantern the thing he had found. + +The barred light shone on a musty skeleton, to which still clung a few +mouldy shreds left by the rats; and only the celebrated bone handle +identified it as what had once been the maddened finder's idolized +Alpaca Umbrella. + +"Aha!" twitted the apparition, "then you have some heart left, JOHN +BUMSTEAD?" + +"Heart!" moaned the distracted organist, fairly kissing the dear +remains, and restored to perfect speech and comprehension by the awful +shock. "I had one, but it is broken now!--Allie, my long-lost Allie!" he +continued, tenderly apostrophizing the skeleton, "do we meet thus at +last again?-- + + 'What thought is folded in thy leaves! + What tender thought, what speechless pain! + I hold thy faded lips to mine, + Thou darling of the April rain!' + +Where is thine old familiar alpaca dress, my Allie? Where is the canopy +that has so often sheltered thy poor master's head from the storm? Gone! +gone! and through my own forgetfulness!" + +"And have you no thought for your nephew?" asked the persevering +apparition, hoarsely. + +"Not under the present circumstances," retorted the mourner; he and the +ghost both coughing with the colds which they had taken from standing +still so long in such a damp place--"not under the present +circumstances," he repeated, wildly, making a fierce pass at the spectre +with the skeleton, and then dropping the latter to the ground in +nerveless despair. "To a single man, his umbrella is wife, mother, +sister, venerable maiden aunt from the country--all in one. In losing +mine, I've lost my whole family, and want to hear no more about +relatives. Good night, sir." + +"Here! hold on! Can't you leave the lantern for a moment?" cried the +ghost. But the heart-stricken Ritualist had swarmed up the ladder and +was gone. + +Then, going up too, the spectre appeared also unto two other men, who +crawled from behind pauper headstones at his summons; the face of the +one being that of J. MCLAUGHLIN, that of the other Mr. TRACY CLEWS. And +the spectre walked between these two, carrying Mr. BUMSTEAD'S skeleton +in its hand.[1] + + +[Footnote 1: The _cut_ accompanying the above chapter is from the +illustrated title-page of the English monthly numbers of "The Mystery of +Edwin Drood;"--in which it is the last of a series of border-vignettes; +--and plainly shows that it was the author's intention to bring back +his hero a living man before the conclusion of the story.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Bibo_.--Is there a champagne wine having the flavor of gun-flints? + +_Answer_.--The wine made at Pierry, in the Champagne country, is said by +connoisseurs to be so flavored. There is much alarm now among the +wine-growers, however, lest the next vintage may have a flavor of +percussion-caps instead, owing to the war and the modern weapons. + +_Plantagenet de Vere_.--Would you believe a person named JONES on his +oath? + +_Answer_.--We would not. + +_Smike_. We read of houses being "gutted" by the Prussian soldiers; have +houses entrails, then? + +_Answer_.--All occupied houses have livers, and most houses have lights. + +_M. T. Head_.--We cannot pay strangers in advance for contributions that +have not been sent in by them. + +_Icarus_.--What do the balloon scouts of Paris use for ballast? + +_Answer_.--Bundles of newspapers, chiefly. Immense bales of the unsold +copies of the New York _Free Press_ are now exported for the purpose. +They are preferred to any other papers because, when placed anywhere in +the balloon, they Lie so, and, having already fallen from grace, falling +from a balloon is nothing to them. + +_Taxidermist_.--What is the best material for stuffing ballot-boxes +with? + +_Answer_.--Greenbacks. + +_Leatherhead_.--Is it true that most of the prominent men of +England--"TOM BROWN" HUGHES, for instance--are proficient pugilists? + +_Answer_.--We have never seen "TOM BROWN" spar, but we have often seen +JOHN STUART Mill. + +_Abby Gansevoort_.--No, my dear, your name does not occur in any of +SHAKESPEARE'S plays. + +_Figdrum_.--Born to the drudgery of commerce, I aspire to literature: +what am I to do to see my name in print? + +_Answer_.--Put it in the City Directory. + +_Voice-in-the-Fog_.--Why is it that all the queer isms of the day, such +as socialism, are more cultivated by Red Republicans than by any other +political sect? + +_Answer_.--Red, as artists well know, is the complementary or opposite +color to green. The social phenomenon to which you refer, then, may be +accounted for on the principle that extremes meet. + +_Clericus_.--Is it proper for me, as a clergyman, to wear moustaches? + +_Answer_.--Quite so, unless they are red, in which case they might +interfere with your published sermons. + +_Astrolabe_.--What is the exact distance between the Dog Star and +Roxbury, Mass.? + +_Answer_.--We do not know. PUNCHINELLO is not a Sirius journal. + +_Juniper Byles_.--My rent has just been raised, and I have had a +curtain-lecture from my wife for swearing about it. Would not you swear +if your rent was raised? + +_Answer_.--Certainly not--at least not if it was raised by benevolent +subscription. + + * * * * * + +AN ACQUAINTANCE. + +_Tom_.--"I say, JACK, what a beautiful complexion Miss SMITH has. Do you +know her?" + +_Jack_.--"No, but I know a girl who buys her complexion at the same +store at which Miss SMITH buys hers." + + * * * * * + +"CUM GRANO SALIS."--Musk-melon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HORSE-CAR CONTINGENCY. + +Gallant Tar (To horrified lady of uncertain age), "BELAY THERE, OLD +WOMAN! TAKE THIS SEAT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +PARIS, FOURTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +Dear Punchinello: You may not have heard that BISMARCK has been here, +had an interview with FAVRE, and is off again. I didn't suppose you +would know it, so I hasten to give you and your army of readers a brief +synopsis of what took place, as nearly as I can in the exact language +used by the distinguished diplomats upon the occasion. + +The scene of the consultation was one of the Imperial wine-cellars under +that pavilion of the Tuileries palace which overlooks the Seine at the +southwestern extremity of the _Place du Carrousel_. The spot was +selected for two reasons: it was far removed from the noise and hubbub +of the city, and it furnished facilities for "liquoring up" in case of +necessity. I was there and left, as you will see, under circumstances +calculated to give me a lasting impression of the event. We all three of +us sat around a pine table, upon which faintly flickered a tallow candle +in a soda-water bottle, that shed around a sickly glare (that is to say, +the candle did). BISMARCK looked a little the worse for wear, I thought, +and, as he unbuttoned his vest with a grunt of relief, he struck me +likewise as being rather short in his wind. + +FAVRE was loose and frisky as a four weeks old kitten, and spoke with a +quick, decided tone that reminded me of HORACE GREELEY. He never once +swore, however, during the whole interview. Your readers will observe +that even if this momentous meeting was not marked by the usual +diplomatic usages, the language is strictly according to the usual +diplomatic idiom. It is important to note this fact, as everything +hinges on the "idiom." + +BISMARCK was the first to break silence: + +"The difficulties which embarrass the questions under discussion stand +first in the order of elimination." + +FAVRE assented, and BISMARCK continued: "We must remove the peritoneum +to get at the viscera of the issues (I was much struck with the force +and originality of this method of putting it), and evict those +impressions which are purely matters of national sensibility." + +I snuffed the candle and waited for FAVRE. + +FAVRE: "Your Excellency abounds in subtle diagnoses." + +BISMARCK: "It is not a question of noses." + +FAVRE: "Your Excellency mistakes me. I meant to say that, like the +'Heathen Chinee,' your ways are dark." + +I moved the light closer to the Count. FAVRE only smiled. + +BISMARCK: "Touching 'rectification,' then, Germany sticks to her +position." + +I regarded this as an insinuation that somebody was "stuck." + +FAVRE: "France adheres unalterably to her previous resolution. National +traditions, deeply interwoven with the fine fibre of individual natures, +forbid the relaxation of tissues logically irresistible." + +A smile of triumph flitted faintly o'er the features of the Frenchman. +He evidently thought he had made a "ten strike." I whispered +approvingly, "_Tres bien, Monsieur, tres bien!_" + +BISMARCK: "Does the German heart yearn for the Rhine? Does it yearn for +Strasbourg? Does it yearn for Metz? and if not, what does it yearn for?" + +He was looking straight at me when he said this, and so I answered +"Bier." + +A dark scowl flitted frantically over the features of the German, but he +went right on: "Are all the longings of all these years, dating from the +birth of CHARLEMAGNE and extending through GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS to +FREDERICK the Great and WILLIAM the First, by his father on his maternal +grandmother's side, who lies in the iron coffin of the _domkirche_ at +Potsdam, whence we derive the consolidated grandeur of HOHENZOLLERN +mingling its rich ancestral dyes with the dark woof of fate to dispel +the expanding dream of German aspiration?" + +I had not time to witness the effect upon FAVRE, but, gasping for +breath, I started from my seat and uttered these words, which I +remembered to have read in a German-English libretto of MARIE STUART: +"_Mein Gott, ich kenne eures Eifers reinen Trieb, Weiss, dass gediegne +Weissheit aus Euch redet!_" + +It did not matter to me that FAVRE lay swooning on the floor. That the +Count glared at me savagely and crunched his jaws with maniacal energy. +My knowledge of German was up. It had caught the fierce impulse, the +majestic sweep of his ponderous linguosity. I remembered another +sentence, and hurled it wildly at him: "_Bei Gott, Du wirst, ich hoff's, +noch viele Jahre auf ihrem Grabe wandeln, ohne dass du selber sie +hinabzustürzen brauchtest!_" + +Again I looked at the Count. His jaw had ceased working, and the +expression of his eye had changed. His arm moved furtively beneath the +table. What could he be doing? Horrible moment of uncertainty. Still the +arm worked, as if tugging at something. I could stand it no longer. +Seizing the soda-water bottle, I stooped to cast the rays of the +sixpenny dip beneath the table. As I did so, a boot-heel flashed in the +air, the Count's arm descended with a terrific detonation, and I saw no +more. + +(Interval of twenty-four hours.) + +The result of the interview will be communicated to the American public +by a Tribune special, as soon as a carrier-pigeon can reach SMALLEY at +London. I am still suffering from a sensation of having been recently +hit, + +DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +ASPIRATION. + +Of all sorts of people in the world, the Cockney has the queerest +notions about vegetable nature. Show him the first letter of the +alphabet, for instance, and he pronounces it "hay." + + + * * * * * + +APPARENTLY ANOMALOUS. + +Should the Prussians ever succeed in entering Paris, it is hardly +possible that they can be well received by the citizens, whether they +find FAVRE there or not. + + * * * * * + +OUR PRIVATE GALLERIES. + +The Belmont Collection. + +This admirable gallery includes among its treasures many of the old +masters and-when open for exhibition--a bewildering collection of young +nurses. The latter are frequently inaccurate in anatomical details, but +in point of brilliancy of color they far outshine the best efforts of +RUBENS and TITIAN. The flesh tints produced by many of our Fifth Avenue +belles infinitely surpass the obsolete tints upon which the great +Venetians used to pride themselves. + +In Mr. BELMONT'S gallery there are so many original RAPHAELS and +MURILLOS, painted by the very best European artists of the present day, +that it would occupy far too much of our limited space were we to notice +them in detail. We will therefore pass them by, and simply call +attention to some of the more noteworthy pictures, executed by +contemporary painters, which hang side by side with the more smoky but +hardly less valuable works of antiquity. Prominent among these is a +modest little "Fruit and Flower" piece, by that promising young artist, +Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY. It deserves especial praise for its accurate +copying of nature, the varied beauty of its coloring, and the deep +longing of the heart--the hunger of the soul--which must have inspired +the fair artist. We give a faithful sketch of this charming picture, +though, of course, the glories of its rainbow hues cannot be represented +here. + +[Illustration: FRUIT AND FLOWER PIECE.] + +A beautiful work, and one evidently inspired by the sound of battle, is +the noble historical painting entitled "On Picket," by Mr. C.A. DANA, +Associate Artist National Academy of Velocipedestrianism. The artist has +produced a picture that must inspire us all with the absolute truth of +the story it so dramatically tells, while he has filled our hearts with +deep sympathy and lofty admiration for the lovely and heroic combatant +depicted on his canvas. Our army officers--Col. FISK for example--who +are ignorant of the sword exercise may derive a hint from this spirited +work, as to the importance of obtaining a thorough mastery of the fence. + +[Illustration] + +Claude's renowned landscape of the "Ruined Mill" is familiar to all who +are acquainted with it, and has been greatly admired by those who did +not feel impelled to condemn its many faults. But CLAUDE is now known to +have been no artist, but a mere pretender. There is reason to believe +that he had never read RUSKIN, and was hence necessarily ignorant of the +aim and method of landscape painting. Our young friend BROWN, the +_spirituel_ and fascinating assistant Rector of a fashionable uptown +church, has in this gallery a rendering of a similar subject. How +manifest is his superiority to CLAUDE! With what truth and fidelity to +nature; with what holy calm, and child-like faith, and lofty aspiration +has BROWN filled his glowing canvas! And withal, he does not lead us +back to the dead faith and traditions of the past, save to urge us +onward in the pathway of--in the pathway--in short, to urge us on more +or less. To those envious minds who affect to regard BROWN as a mere +amateur, an undertaker of more than he has the ability to execute, we +would deign but one reply, and that would be, "Look at his trees in the +picture called the 'Ruins of the Mill,' and then cower back into your +native insignificance." + +[Illustration: RUINS OF A MILL.] + +There are many other pictures which we would like to notice in this +article, but want of space will forbid us to do so this week. We have +merely room to mention, with warm approbation, the exceedingly dramatic +little _genre_ picture entitled "Shoo-fly," by the veteran Minstrel, Mr. +DANIEL BRYANT, whose recent translation of HOMER has given him so high a +rank among the best German scholars of the day. + +[Illustration: SHOE FLY!] + + * * * * * + +RULES AND MAXIMS. + +How they change! ESCULAPIUS now gives to us and our children, as +_medicine_, what he denounced to the last generation as "_pizen_." The +heresy of yesterday is the orthodoxy of to-day. + +Thus the philosophy of those who are _under_ the turf is refuted by +those who are _on_ the turf. It used to be said in regard to horses:-- + + "One white foot, buy him, + "Two white feet, try him, + "Three white feet, deny him, + "Four white feet and a white nose, + "Take off his shoes and give him to the crows." + +But the advent of DEXTER has changed the sinister rhyme to:-- + + One white foot, spy him, + Two white feet, try him, + Three white feet, buy him, + Four white feet and a white nose, + And a mile in 2-17 he goes. + + * * * * * + +RIGHT TO THE SPOT. + +Additional spots on the disk of the sun are reported. An ingenious +writer, who candidly states that he is not an astronomer, accounts for +them by suggesting that they are caused by stray shots from the Prussian +sharpshooters who tried to bring down GAMBETTA'S balloon. + + * * * * * + +A QUERY FOR STEEPLE-CHASERS. + +We hear a great deal about "featherweights" in connection with racing. +If there _are_ such things as feather weights, why on earth don't the +managers of Jerome Park races stuff the steeple-chase jockeys with them, +to prevent them from being injured by such accidents as happened there +on the opening day of the Autumn meeting? + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO VIII. + + JACK SPRAT could eat no fat, + His wife could eat no lean; + And so between them both, + They licked the platter clean. + +JACK SPRAT was a near neighbor to the Poet. He was a remarkably delicate +man, cadaverous and thin. A dyspeptic, always ailing, he was a subject +of pity for his friends, and of wonder to his acquaintances. But behold +the eternal fitness of things. Providence blessed him with a wife, his +opposite in every respect. When extremes meet, a perfect whole is the +result; and in this case it was a perfect marriage, fit to be sung by +poets and embalmed in verse. + +When JACK SPRAT met SALLY STUBBS, at a husking party, she took his eye, +and kept it. She filled his heart completely. A rosy-cheeked, buxom +lass, healthy and hearty, dimples and dumplings combined, she captivated +and carried, by sheer force of weight, the delicate soul of poor JACK. + +It was a case of latitude against longitude; strength against weakness, +smiles against tears, laughter against groans. And so the poor fellow, +feeling an unacknowledged desire to find some one able to support and +protect him, yielded to the advice of his friends and his own +inclinations, and laid his attenuated hand, with his poor little heart +in it, at the fat feet of fair SALLY STUBBS. + +He was smiled upon, broad-grinned upon, and accepted; and thereby +rendered for the nonce the happiest of men. Tradition has it that the +next day he actually ate a hearty dinner, and did not complain of his +digestion immediately after. But this is considered doubtful by many. + +Fair SALLY, overflowing with the milk of human kindness, and yearning in +her soul to bestow her attentions and corporosity upon JACK'S +attenuosity, urged matters onward, and the wedding day was fixed, the +ring bought, and delicate Mr. SPRAT was led to the altar like a sheep to +the slaughter. + +Tremblingly he advanced up the aisle of the village church, leading his +blushing and waddling bride, and took his place, looking like an +exclamation point alongside a parenthesis, before the black-robed +Priest, who speedily put an end to Miss STUBBS, and presented JACK with +a female SPRAT. + +Mrs. SPRAT blushed like a full-blown peony as JACK manfully and +courageously saluted her upon one rosy cheek, in the presence of the +assembled guests, and then, to cover her confusion, she giggled and +shook hands energetically with the company, telling JACK to "hold up his +head and do the same, for it was _com eel fut_, and he must try to be +fashionable at his own wedding." + +The Bride carried off the honors manfully, and after the first few +moments recovered from her embarrassment, and appeared as much at ease +as if getting married was an every-day affair, not worth minding. JACK +couldn't get over it so readily, and his teeth chattered till late in +the night. But they stopped after a while; so I am told. + +We pass over the first few days devoted to honey-mooning, and look in +upon them as they sit at dinner. He with his greyhound and she with her +cat, both animals attentively watching each morsel that disappears from +their longing gaze into the capacious mouth of master or mistress. +Notice with what dexterity and generosity Mr. SPRAT selects the fattest +parts and skilfully conveys them to Madam's plate, reserving the lean +for himself; occasionally throwing a bone to his dog, while the lady now +and then bestows a fat bit upon Puss, who slowly licks her lips and +winks for more. It is a cozy scene of quiet domestic bliss, and so +continues till the platter is empty; when, both feeling satisfied for +the time, they lean back in their respective chairs, and gaze +complacently upon their pets, each other, and the empty dishes. + +Their wonderful congeniality and quiet happiness became the subject of +wonder to their friends, and of comment and speculation to the village +gossips. Her oleaginous and feather-bed-like disposition compelled peace, +as oil upon the waves, and shed trouble as a duck sheds water. JACK and +his complainings never troubled her; she merely laughed when he groaned, +and offered to rub his back. But he, fearing the ponderosity of her +hand, rarely submitted; his spinal column being delicate, he dared not +risk it. + +Village gossips tell many little incidents connected with the married +life of the twain, which would be invidious to mention here. Suffice it +to say that they were considered fit subjects for the ever-ready pen of +the Poet to seize upon and perpetuate in never-dying verse, for the +benefit of posterity. That the Poet was right in his surmises, we have +only to look around and ascertain how many learned people of all grades +have treasured up in their memory, from infancy, the history of JACK +SPRAT and his wife. + + * * * * * + +AN OBVIOUS ILLUSTRATION + +Scene. A Lunch Counter. + + +_Customer._ "Waiter, do you call this a milk toast?--why, there's no +milk to be seen." + +_Waiter._ "Milk all gone into the toast, sir." + +_Customer._ "But there's no toast to speak of." + +_Waiter._ "Toast all gone into the milk, sir." + +_Customer._ "Ah, ha!--there's an idea in that, by Jove. I'll go straight +home and write a pamphlet upon the new theory of mutual absorption." + +_Waiter._ "Yes, sir. Don't forget to mention the Kilkenny Cats, sir!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENCOURAGING HOME MANUFACTURES. + +_Young Patriot._ "GIMME THREE CENTS WORTH O' CHESTNUTS." + +_Female Broker._ "D' YER WANT EYETALIAN ONES?" + +_Y. P._ "NO, DARN YER--GIMME AMERICAN ONES."] + + * * * * * + +COUNT BISMARCK'S ACCOUNT. + +BISMARCK'S insolence is really becoming dangerous. He can deny and +contradict the statements made by other Counts, Ambassadors, Kings, or +by himself, without its becoming a matter of sufficient importance to +interest us. Such giving and taking the lie is a part of the business of +persons of this kidney. But he has actually had the audacity to deny the +truthfulness of the report by RUSSELL to the _Times_ of a conversation +held between them. If this thing is not checked in the bud, he will next +be denying--his conversation! with the _Tribune_ "special," as reported +by that ubiquitous observer. What will there be for the world to +believe, if it loses faith in the truthfulness of the papers? + + * * * * * + +A Con. for the Vatican. + +Why is VICTOR EMMANUEL like a tomahawk? Because he is now said to be "a +tool in the hands of the Reds." + + * * * * * + +THE "LOUDEST" OF SUNDAYS "SWELLS." The Swell of the Church organ. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PRIZE CALF "S. L. WOODFORD," FATTENED UP BY MESSRS. +GREELY AND CURTIS FOR THE SPECIAL PURPOSE OF BEING CUT UP ON TUESDAY, +NOVEMBER 8TH.] + + * * * * * + +"DOST KNOW ME?" + +Composed by our Special Dangerous Lunatic in one of his Lucid +Intervals. + + Dost know me? dost know me? was all the maiden said, + As she streamed her golden tresses through the half-unkneaden bread, + While the sunset light came sheening athwart the oaken floor, + And the Headsman chanted his roundelay at the soul-beshriven door. + + Dost know me? dost know me? rang o'er the heather wild, + While the dew-drop lifted its golden head, and the hoary bull-frog + smiled; + Yet every eye was dim with tears, as the shadow of Time replied, + And the echo from over the moorland drear, + In cloistered glory and voice of cheer, + Silently welcomed the Bride. + + "Dost know me? dost know me?" and a soul from out the gloom + Welcomed the rippling brooklet flowing past the tomb, + Gilding the steeples, near and far, with a dusk and dimsome spleen, + Tipping with crest of golden fire + Each mighty CAESAR'S funeral pyre + In its wealth of golden sheen. + + "Dost know me? dost know me?"--eftsoones the answer came + From the lips of the lady with blonden hair like a wreath of golden + flame, + As she lifted the light of her beauteous eyes to the questioning + lips of the knight, + And muttered those words of import dire, + And flashed her eyes with a baleful fire-- + Alas! did he hear aright? + + "I know thee! I know thee! for thou art the Khouli Khan, + And I am the Empress of Allahabad, or any other man, + Then turtle soup may lift its crest o'er the stars in the twilight dim, + Ere I, an Empress of regions fair, + With a halo of succulent blonden hair, + Elope with a Khouli grim." + + Ah me! 'twas sad, and a gruesome night, when the maiden fair said, "No!" + And gave response to the Knight's demand in accents sweetly low. + +THE END. + + Gems more clear than this, no doubt, have oftentimes been seen, + Yet methinks, at least, 'tis a poem clear + As poems which every week appear + In the _Waverley Magazine_. + + * * * * * + +"WELL SAID, OLD MOLE!" + +In a newspaper description of Mr. GREELEY, published some years since, +it was stated that he was born with a mole upon his left arm. This may +or may not be the case; but, judging from the persistence with which the +great agriculturist advocates sub-soil ploughing, there can be no doubt +whatever that he has mole on the brain. + + * * * * * + +BLOOD AND THUNDER! + +PUNCHINELLO learns, without the least surprise, that Mr. YOUNGBLOOD has +retired in disgust from the management of the New York _Free Press_. It +is further announced that the estimable publication referred to will +henceforth be under the charge of Mr. OLDBLOOD, a blood relative of all +the BADBLOODS belonging to the JOHN REAL Democracy. + + * * * * * + +"FALL" WEATHER. + +The subject of bringing down rain by the firing of artillery has again +been revived, owing to the long droughts that have lately prevailed. +What gives a color of feasibility to it, at present, is the fact that +the Reign of LOUIS NAPOLEON has lately been brought down by Prussian +guns. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SIGHT TOO BAD! + +_Struggling Cuba._ "YOU MUST BE AWFULLY NEAR-SIGHTED, MR. PRESIDENT, NOT +TO RECOGNIZE ME." + +_U. S. G._ "NO: I AM FAR-SIGHTED; FOR I CAN RECOGNIZE FRANCE."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN'S POLITICAL SENTIMENTS. + +His Reason for Leaving his Party.--A Catechism for Candidates. + +I hain't gilty of any stated polertix, as Ime aware of. + +For an old man, Ime helthy and sound as a nut on all public questions. I +use to be an old line Whig, and was a pooty active thimble-rigger as +long as it paid. But when that party refoosed to renominate me for the +offis of Gustese of the Peece, like a thurar bred polertician, I shook +'em. Said I, standin' ontop a sugar hogshead, at a primary meetin, which +was bein held in SIMMINSES grocery store:-- + +Feller sitizens of the Whig party, Refoose to renominate good men for +offisses, and you can pack your duds and git your carpet bags checkt for +the next steamer goin up Salt River. + +Leave my name off'n your ticket for another term of offis, and there +won't be enuff left in your old politikle carciss to grease a flap-jack +griddle with. In the words of Mister--Mister--Somebody, "A word to the +wise is--is--enuff to make a--hoss laff." + +And here I say it, Mister PUNCHINELLO, I wasent nominated. + +Dident I smash things? Gess not! I norgarated a bolt which spread like +pourin keroseen ile over a marble floor, and the next fall, SCOTT & +GRAHAM was nockt hire'n the Himmely mountins, while the old Whig party +shoveled off its mortil quarrel. + +Thus, as HORRIS GREELY, in his remarks on politikle Economy, says: +"Vengents, like a 2 tined pitchfork in the hands of Old Nick, will bust +up any party which goes back onto its trusted leaders. 'Vengents is +mine,' says the disappinted offis seeker, and on Election day he peddles +split tickets ontil the poles close." + +Standin as I do on nootral ground, I wish like JOHN BULL I could make my +nootrality pay as well as J. B. does, by sellin stores to the Prooshians +and the French. + +In castin my suferage this fall, I shall go Principals not men. A +_principal_ which is good for its little 7 per cent. _intrest_ payable +semi-annually, is what ales me. + + High-toned (?) principals, and not men, + Is what's the matter in this ere breast, + The Lait Gustise his influence will lend + To him whose _principal_ pays the best. + (Campane poickry.) + +I have prepared a serious of questions, which I propose to ask +candydates who come sneakin around for my sufferage. + +_Skedyule of Interogertories._ + +What's your _principals,_ and is the interest payable in gold or +greenbax? + +If elected to offis, will you squander all your salary and retire poorer +than a church mouse? or will you give _such strict attention to your +dooties_ as will enable you to salt down $100,000.00 per yeer from the +enormous salary of $1500.00 ($ fifteen hundred)? + +Do you think, takin an _iron_ clad oath has got anything to do with a +sertin commandment which says, "Thou shalt not _steel_"? + +Are you a beleiver in E. CADY STANTON'S revoolushinary idees, that woman +is the "coming man," and if so, how do you like it as fur as yoo've got? + +Do you think THEODORE TILTON, ED STUDWELL, STEVE GRISWOLD, FRED DUGLIS, +and SOOSAN B. ANTHONY would make as good Presidents of the U.S. as a +man would? + +Is your wife one of them strong-minded critters, who believes that +husbands had orter stay home and nuss the baby while she goes out and +plays baseball? + +Will you fall onto a voter's sholders, who eats garlix and onions, and +shed tears as freely the day arter eleckshun as you will the nite +before? + +Could you sing the "Battle-cry of freedom" so luvly, if it wasent for +Unkle Sam's _Notes_? + +Would you have any objections, if our National and Common Counsels, like +that of Rome, should organize _Economikle_ Counsels? + +In the war on tother side of the pond, is your sympathies for Lager or +Pea soup? + +If you want the German vote, don't you think it would be your politikle +_bier_ to get at _lager_-heads with the Prushians? + +Did you ever think before, that yourself and family, way back 15 or 20 +generations in the grave, were such a lot of low-lived villyians as the +opposition papers say you be? and haint it a mistery to you that you are +allowed to go unhung? + +Did you commit the NATHAN murder? if so, why dident you call off your +_"dorg"?_ + +Do you know as much about farmin as HORRIS GREELY does? if so, who told +you? + +Are you a Fenian, Know-nothin, Mason, Anti-mason, Labor Reformer, +Anti-labor Reformer, a Chineese cooler, Anti-Chineese cooler, and the +"wickedest man in N.Y."? Are you in favor of free trade, high tariff, +free whiskey, whiskey tax, JIM FISK, MARETZEK, Tammany, the Young +Democracy, Grand Army of the Republicans, GEO. F. TRAIN, MRS. +CUNNINGHAM, and the D--l? + +In fact, like JOSEFF, have you got a cote of many cullers? + +Any candydate who can give affirmative ansers to the foregoin Catekism, +and is willin to show his _principals_ by bleedin freely, can get my +vote, sure popp. + +Ewers trooly, & I haint afrade To jine the bread & butter brigade. + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peese._ + + * * * * * + +LAST WORDS OF EMINENT MEN. + +Selected by Sarsfield Young. + +I die a true American. .............................. WM. POOLE. + +Bury me where I fall. ... BILLY BOWLEGS, and other military heroes. + +The die is _Caste_. .............................. T. W. ROBERTSON. + +Bury me where the woodbine twineth. ......... Col. JAMES FISK, Jr. + +Fools, 'od rot 'em! .............................. HIGGINBOTTOM. + +Bury me in the Fall. .............. The Poet who "would not die in +Spring-time." + +Don't give up the ship! [the Secretary-ship.] ..... CHAS. SUMNER to Sec. +STANTON. + +Bury me where I fall back. ...... Gen. O'NEILL, of the Fenian Army. + +Give me liberty, or give me death, with a decided preference for +ANASTASIA. ..................................... Poor PILLICODDY. + +Bury me in the Falls ................................ SAM PATCH. + +If any one dare haul down the American flag--wait till you see the white +of his eyes, then--shoot him on the spot. C.L. VALLANDIGHAM. + +Let BROWN (or some other first-class sexton) bury me where I fall. Capt. +KIDD. + +As I cannot lay my sword at the feet of my army, I die at the head of +your Majesty. .............................. LOUIS NAPOLEON. + + * * * * * + +A FREE TRADER. + + Now gentlemen, of every kind, + Just step into my shop, + And, as I'm hard to pacify, + You'd better bring a sop; + I'll dress you up in any style + For which you choose to call, + But then, you must bring ready cash, + Because I shines for all. + + I'm always ready for a trade, + No matter what its kind; + I'll dress you up so very neat, + If your bid suits my mind. + If, when I ask the custom house, + He says, "Give it I sha'n't," + DAVIS and FISH I strike, because + I does not shine for GRANT. + + Sometimes I send a little bill + For goods they have not had, + And if they do not pay at once + Then I gets awful mad. + Of public pap I'm very fond, + I'd like to get it all, + But, if they block my little game, + I does not shine for HALL. + + I've lampooned every decent man, + Who with me would not trade; + I keep a little book account + Of those who have not paid: + So, if you don't enjoy free trade, + Don't listen to my call; + I'll give you good names for good pay, + Because I shines for all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: When you go to the theater, it is pleasant to have the +little boy of a rustic couple persist in feeding you with gingerbread +and orange-peel, and, if you request the little wretch to keep still, to +be told by his parents that you are "putting on airs."] + + * * * * * + +THE MEDICAL CONFIDENCE GAME. + +Mr. Punchinello has lately received a medical publication, in which +there are some editorial remarks concerning the relations between +physicians and their patients. The latter are exhorted to place all +confidence in their medical advisers, for, otherwise, there can be no +harmonious action between them. This is all very well, and Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks that if anything in this world should be the subject +of sacred confidences, it should be the revelations of the sick-room. +But, after reading the reports of the various cases which are detailed +in this publication, his faith in the advisability of confiding in one's +doctor was somewhat shaken. For instance, when he read that "Miss ANNA +P-----, aged 25, of blonde complexion and apparent good health, residing +near Jefferson avenue and Sixty-eighth street, had been subject for +years to convolutions of the cerebral hemispheres, and had been obliged +at various times to submit to partial amputations of horn-like +excrescences on the divisions of her manual extremities," Mr. +PUNCHINELLO was of opinion that this young lady, who could be easily +recognized from the hints (?) of her name and residence, might possibly +object to the announcement, to all her friends and acquaintances, that +she had cerebral hemispheres, and still more to the fact that they were +convoluted. But this dreadful truth is published, under the merest film +of concealment of her identity, to the whole world, and her physical +condition and subsequent surgical treatment may be town-talk for the +rest of her life. Where is the "sacred confidence" here? + +There are dozens of similar cases in the publication referred to, and +medical journals are, in general, full of them. + +Will it therefore be wondered at if we don't want all the world to know, +every time we call in a doctor, that we may have a "parenchyma of the +lung," or a "sub-conjunctival cellular tissue," that we will begin some +day to insist as much upon medical honor as medical ability? Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks not. + + * * * * * + +"FIAT LUX." + +We learn that our Third Assistant Postmaster-General has been indisposed +for some days, owing to his excessive labor in breaking envelope +contracts. Why does the Postmaster-General allow his subordinates thus +to overwork themselves? We wish he would shed a REAY of light on the +subject. + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE AND ENDURANCE. + +When people undertake any thing in the cause of Science, or indeed in +any other cause, they might as well do their best while they have a +chance. This is an axiom of social economy which is presented, gratis, +to the world. + +Now, the three scientific men who intend passing the winter on the top +of Mount Washington, might certainly find some other manner of spending +the cold months in the interests of science which would be much more +difficult and disagreeable. They expect to be snowed up at the Tip-top +House, from December until March, and will spend their time in a room +lined with felt, where they will burn twenty tons of coal during their +sojourn. + +Almost any one could do all this. If the scientific gentlemen in +question desire to undergo some really notable hardships there are +plenty of deep lakes in New York, at the bottom of which they might +spend the winter in a diving-bell. They would probably be frozen in +until March, and they would find it much more difficult to use their +instruments, and everything far more disagreeable, generally, than in a +large room in the Tip-top House. + +Still if they would prefer something still more arduous, let them ride day +and night, from December until March, in the Third Avenue cars of this +city. If they were to do this, and confine their scientific labors to +observations of the decidedly mean altitude of the Sun, they would +probably suffer more, in a given time, than any previous party of +learned men, and thus accomplish their object much better than by +deliberately allowing themselves to be snowed up on Mount Washington. + + * * * * * + +A SURPRISING PROPHECY. + +Years ago Mr. PUNCHINELLO had a very old grandfather, and he well +remembers that on the _inside_ of the lid of a certain horse-hair trunk, +the property of that estimable old man, was pasted a bit of poetical +prophecy, the words of which embedded themselves, like the hot letters +of a branding-iron, on the tender skin of Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S mind. The +following is the prophecy: + + "Add seventy-four and 62, + And forty and 900 too; + Then, if to this sum you place + Seven hundred and an ace, + You will surely find the year + When they ought to disappear-- + Both a Certain Holy 'un + And the last NAPOLEON. + And darkness will come wholly on + The Sun. Day, natheless, will glow + Down in the regions far below." + +Now this is certainly a very astounding prophecy. If the numbers +mentioned at the beginning of the oracular ditty be added together +without using the ace, they make the year 1776. Now the value of an ace +in Seven-up (and seven is the uppermost word in the line in which our +ace occurs) is four. So four, added to the former sum, makes the year +1780. But even the first NAPOLEON had not made his appearance in this +year, and so it would seem there must be a mistake somewhere. But such +is not the case. If, after the manner of the regular prophecy-makers, we +treat this sum according to the rule of probabilities, we shall see +that, if "seventeen-eighty" will not work prophecy, we must reverse the +year and call it "eighteen-seventy." This hits the mark exactly, and +makes us tremble at the prophetic power of some of those old delvers in +the mines of dark prediction. + +For now we see plainly that not only the Pope and the ex-Emperor of +France will probably disappear this year from the scenes of their glory, +but that the Sun, over which a certain dirty mistiness has been stealing +for some time past, will be entirely shrouded in the blackness of ruin. +The lines + + "----Day, natheless, will glow + Down in the regions far below," + +doubtless refer to DANA the less, who, when his sheet is utterly +overwhelmed in its self-made oblivion, will deserve, and probably +obtain, all the brightness and warmth to which the verse refers. + +Placing this astounding prediction by the side of the amazing events of +the present year, it is impossible for Mr. PUNCHINELLO to repress his +feelings of wonder and awe! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +There is an old conundrum song that begins--"Why do summer roses fade?" +The late ARTEMUS WARD thought they did it as a matter of business. Why +do the "Two Roses" bloom? That is WALLACK'S business. Also just now it +happens to be mine. + +The modern English comedy is divided into two kinds. Everybody will +consider this statement a conundrum, and answer,--"Bad and good." +Wrong, my little dears. All your lexicographers agree that "kind" means +a "race," which is absurd, because a horse-race, for instance, is +anything but kind. But they explain by saying that it means a genus. +Good plays are not a genus. They are freaks of nature, like the woolly +horse and the sacred cow; only, when they are produced, so many people +will not pay money to see them as to see the w.h. and the s.c. + +The division of modern plays, as JONATHAN EDWARDS said wittily, in his +sparkling treatise on "The Will," is into the tame and the wild. For the +latter the recipe is simple. Take some black false beads, hatchets, +pistols, a "dog"--not a quadruped, but the article which was left in Mr. +NATHAN'S hall--a woman in black hair and a white garment, suggestive of +repose, strolling at midnight by the banks of the prattling East River, +foot of Grand Street, and set a house afire at the end of the third act. +That is the BOUCICAULT style, and as the flippant EDWARDS goes on to +observe, it draws like a factory chimney in the Bowery and at NIBLO's. + +But this sort of thing will not do at all at WALLACK'S. Of course not. +STODDART is permitted to swear there, to be sure; but I understand that +he does it for fear people should call WALLACK'S the hall of the Old +Men's Christian Association. With that exception there is, as somebody +said about something, absolutely nothing to offend the most fastidious. +Any person who exhibits excitement upon the stage is discharged at the +end of the week with a pension. Miss MOORE is permitted to weep, but she +does it so quietly and nicely that it does not disturb anybody. And the +ushers have received strict orders to eject anybody in the audience who +manifests any marked interest in the performance. A friend of mine from +Peoria once went to WALLACK'S, and took no pains whatever to conceal his +admiration of the acting. On the contrary, at a particularly nice point, +he actually clapped his hands together twice. Of course he was arrested +for breach of the peace, and locked up over night. But the management +declined, to prosecute when it was represented to them that the man had +lately seen McKEAN BUCHANAN at the Peoria Academy of Music, and that he +could not help testifying his gratification that LESTER WALLACK behaved +so differently, and he was discharged. He went back to Peoria, and told +his neighbors that there was a place in New York where they got up a +yawning match (this coarse person called it a "gaping bee") every night +between the stage and the audience, and the stage always won. + +Now we know, that is those of us who are in good society, that what this +uncouth rustic mistook for indifference is the air of society. +TALLEYRAND said, or somebody said he said, that the use of language was +to conceal thought. Go to WALLACK'S and you will see that the art of +acting is to suppress emotions. Everything is below concert-pitch, +except perhaps the orchestra, which insists upon playing lively and +popular music, instead of doing the Dead March in Saul for a funeral +procession while the audience files out dreamily to drink, and empties +some dull opiate to the drains. The entire audience are making heroic +efforts all through the play to prevent each other from seeing that they +know they are listening to the most finished acting to be seen anywhere, +and looking at the prettiest stage pictures ever set. All the actors are +all the while trying to conceal the fact that they are doing any good +acting. The whole theatre is in a condition of sweet repose, like the +placid bosom of a mill-pond on a summer afternoon, when STODDART shoots +the Dam. + +Well, when you have society theatres, where they do this sort of thing, +you must have society plays. The recipe for these is different from the +gallon of gore and the ton of thunder which make up the other sort. You +must have your actors representing people who are always bored to death, +if you wish to maintain the respect and patronage of a society audience, +whose ambition is to seem to be always bored to death in real life. You +must have what the sweet but-not exemplary SWINBURNE calls "the lilies +and languors of virtue" at WALLACK'S, to balance "the raptures and roses +of vice" which you get at the sensational shops. People may fall in +love, in a mild way, as they do in society, but they must not undergo +the ravages of that passion, as it is exhibited out of society. They +are, so to speak, vaccinated for love, and they are safe from the +virulent confluent or even the varioloid type of the original malady. +They may also transact business, of a high-toned sort, and sometimes +they get out of temper. But their main employment is to wander about and +yawn, or to sit down and sneer. + +There is a laborious lunatic who makes ice at the fair of the American +Institute, with the thermometer at 80° or so in the shade. (Note to +Editor.--I don't know the man from ADAM, and have received no +consideration from him whatever for this allusion,) I believe his ice +costs this ingenious individual about four dollars per pound to +make--but no matter. Well, this is exactly the trick by which you make +society plays. ROBERTSON does it to perfection. He is the patent +refrigerator. And the man who did "The Two Roses" has plagiarized his +process and reproduced his results. I don't know whether the idea is to +interest people in what is uninteresting, or to uninterest people in +what is interesting. But he does both. + +Perhaps, however, some absurd person would like to know something about +this play. There is a commercial traveller in it, who is taken, +by-the-by, bodily and even to his checked trousers, out of one of +ROBERTSON'S plays. The only addition that has been made is that this one +swears. But then STODDART personates him. This commercial traveller has +a wife. To whom, by-the-by, did it ever occur, before the author of this +play, that commercial travellers could have wives? The wife of this +itinerant commercial person is a stationary commercial person, who keeps +a boarding-house which the youths, the heroes of the play, have the +misery to inhabit. All this is undeniably low for WALLACK'S, and the +sales-ladies in the audience express their sense of that fact by +intimating that EFFIE GERMON'S jewels are not real, and the +sales-gentlemen by confiding to one another at the bar, whither they +wend after the second act to quaff the maddening sarsaparilla, that +WALLACK'S is running down. + +As I have abused several revered institutions in these few lines. I +will, in terror of public opinion and private wrath, execute a small +variation on my usual and familiar autograph, and sign myself + +PICADOR. + + * * * * * + +VORACIOUS VEGETATION. + +It appears that our ever-active Park Commissioners are making vigorous +efforts to establish a Zoological Garden in Central Park. It has been +generally supposed that gardens were either horticultural or +agricultural; but if the Commissioners can get up anything of the kind +which shall be zoological, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has not the least objection +in the world. He supposes that in such a garden the principal plants +will be Tiger-lilies, Cock's-combs, Larkspurs, Ragged Robins, +Coltsfoots, Horse-chestnuts, Goose-berries, Dandelions, Foxgloves, and +Dog-wood. If full crops are desired, a good many pigeons and chickens +should be kept on the grounds, and that portion of the gardens devoted +to leg-uminous products will probably be occupied by storks and +giraffes. + + * * * * * + +Q. + +Is it likely that a set of Chinese gardeners would be able to mind, at +the same time, both their Peas and their Queues? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ENGLISH GRAMMAR INCLUDED." + +_1st Young Gentleman_. "I TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S AWFUL HARD TO GET ANYTHING +TO DO, JUST NOW." + +_2d ditto_. "THAT'S SO. I SEEN AN ADVERTISEMENT YESTERDAY FOR A TUTOR IN +A FAMILY, AND I'VE JUST BIN AND WROTE AN ANSWER."] + + * * * * * + +THE QUEUE-RIOUS FUTURE. + +Of all the queues which any man or any nation ever gave to another, the +Chinese have supplied us with the most queue-rious. The arrived man from +that celestial part of the world, who is now so industriously engaged +washing for us in New Jersey, and again, making our shoes in +Massachusetts, and who proposes to be our dairymaid, our chambermaid, +our barmaid, and, if BARNUM will go into the humbug business again, our +mermaid, brought the queue on the back of his head when he crossed the +Pacific Ocean, and landed on the coast of California. Thence he conveyed +it across the Plains, and now our mothers are going back to _two_ queues +such as those they wore when the roses which bloomed upon their cheeks +were not produced by rouge, and to comprehend the lessons in the +school-books which they carried was the severest trial which they knew, +except, indeed, the restrained desire to get married. And our fathers +will wear one tail, as did their ancestors, who curled those appendages +gracefully around the limbs of the trees while they played base-ball +with cocoanuts, or visited in that nimble manner in which none other +than monkeys are capable of moving about. Our great American +agriculturist, too, who has ploughed so deeply in the _Tribune_ office, +is going to look like a Chinese; and she, who has given us our Caudle +lectures now for many years past, will exhibit ANNA DICKINSON as a +convert to two tails. Next, he who serves up for us our religion every +once a week in the form of sanctimonious speeches on the subject of +political economy, will let his congregation go behind Plymouth Pulpit +for the purpose of getting their queues for the next Sunday love-feast +by observing his. The "long" and the "short" of the new vanity, however, +will be found in fullest perfection among the bully-bears in Wall +street, who, of all other honest men, are best able to teach the rising +generation the significance of "heads I win, tails you lose." Then, +again, in the far future perhaps some industrious antiquary will exhume +an awful tail of the present generation that was invented by Mrs. H.B. +STOWE, when she looked across the Atlantic Ocean, and interviewed the +ghost of BYRON. The future is going to be glorious and queue-rious for +all who wish to up-braid, and when our fathers pass us, and we see their +heads, we will be convinced that thereby hangs a tail; also, when our +mothers' heads go by, that thereby hang two tails. + + * * * * * + +AN ODE-IOUS SUGGESTION. + +Swinburne has written an ode to the French Republic. This lofty rhyme is +built up of strophes, anti-strophes, and an epode. In its construction, +and grandiloquence are thrown about with the careless disregard for +innocent passers-by which characterizes that poet's freedom of style. +Most probably no sane English-speaking person has read it through and +preserved his sanity. The poet's idea in writing it was to get the +French engaged in trying to understand it, and the Germans to engage in +translating it, and thus stop the war by pure exhaustion of the +combatants. The idea was good, but hardly practical. + + * * * * * + +SOCIAL SCIENCE BY TELEGRAPH. + +The right of an independent Briton to beat his wife without being liable +to impertinent foreign interference is well known to be one of the most +precious privileges inherited from Magna Charta. The national use of +this privilege is now generally considered, by social philosophers, to +be the foundation of the love of "fair play," so universally +characteristic of the English. It is only upon this ground that we can +account for the following item recently telegraphed from London as a +_special to the N. Y. Times_. + +"It is curious to see that, while the married men of the city are +against interference, all military and naval men are loud in expressions +of indignation because no effort is made by England to save France from +ruin." + +As we see it, this is not curious at all. To the comprehensive English +mind, the war in Europe is a mere family quarrel, on a large scale. But +what is really curious the special does not tell us. What position do +the military and naval men take who happen to be married? + + * * * * * + +A GROWL FROM A BRITON. + +Mr. Punchinello:--One of the balloon reporters from Paris says: + +"Great care is taken to save food from waste. There is much horse-flesh +eaten." + +For a Frenchman in a state of siege horse-flesh is all right--the French +eat frogs, you know, and horses have frogs in their feet. What I like +about the thing in Paris, though, is that they _call_ it horse-flesh, +and don't try to jerk it on a fellow for beef. Jerked beef is bad +enough, but only think of jerked horse, by Jove, you know! + +Now I want to say that here in New York, not being in a state of siege, +we are eating a lot more horse-flesh than we know of, all the same--but +they call it beef. + +Look here, now. + +I take my grub, sometimes (only for the sake of seeing life, you know), +at a decent sort of a place enough, to which butchers resort. There is a +man always to be seen there at grub time, a cockish-looking fellow, +somewhat, with a horse-shoe pin in his scarf, and he is as thick as +thieves with the butchers. Yesterday, for the first time, I got an +inkling of who and what he is. I saw him performing an operation upon a +horse, in the yard of a livery stable. He is a VETERINARY SURGEON! He +consorts with BUTCHERS! Put that and that together, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and +see what you can make of it. And the duffer always eats mutton, too, or +fish. I never yet heard him call for beef. He knows all about nag, and +likes it alive, but he is not to be nagged into eating it. Neigh! neigh! + +Yours, irascibly, + +YORKSHIRE-PUDDINGHEAD. + + * * * * * + +DEAD BEATS. Muffled drums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO, | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | + | FULL REGULAR MAKES, | + | From 35 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | GENTLEMEN'S HALF HOSE, | + | EXTRA QUALITY, | + | 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | LARGE LINES OF | + | Ladies' and Gentlemen's | + | Silk and Merino Underwear. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Grand Exposition. | + | | + | A. T. 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Their Machinery is | + | the most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West Should bear in mind that the | + | | + | ERIE RAILWAY IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, with all | + | Lines | + | | + | By Rail or River | + | | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | It's DRAWINGS-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express | + | Trains, running through to Cincinnati without chance, are | + | the most elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this | + | country, being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and | + | having every modern improvement introduced for the comfort | + | of its patrons; running upon the BROAD GUAGE; revealing | + | scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and | + | rendering a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and | + | pleasures of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway, 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, 10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50 for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box, 2788, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, +October 29, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 31 *** + +***** This file should be named 10091-8.txt or 10091-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/9/10091/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, October 29, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2003 [EBook #10091] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 31 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>CONANT'S</big></big><br> + </span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Lettered & Stamped,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </span> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau Street.</span> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/67.jpg"><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. II. No. 31.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,</small></p> + <p>As an Adaptation of the Original English version, was +concluded in the last Number. The remaining portion will be continued +as Original.</p> + <p>By ORPHEUS C. KERR,</p> + <p>Commencing with Number 30.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="6" style="width: 30%;"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Fine Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870.</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for------ $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. 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SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN,<br> + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The only Journal of its kind in +America!!</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST:</big></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">A MONTHLY JOURNAL</span><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <small>THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY.</small></p> + <p><small>DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS.</small></p> + <p><small>EDITED BY<br> +Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. 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Letters of inquiry on any points of interest +within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention.</small></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST</b></p> + <p>Is a Journal of especial interest to</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, +TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, +PHOTOGRAPHERS, MANUFACTURERS,</small></p> + <p>And all concerned in scientific pursuits.</p> + <p><b>Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per +number. Specimen copies, 25 cts.</b></p> + <p>Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO.,<br> +Publishers and Proprieters<br> +424 Broome Street, New York</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="3"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON</p> + <p>begs to announce to the friends of</p> + <p><b>"PUNCHINELLO,"</b></p> + <p><small>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, +he has made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of</small></p> + <p><b>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,</b></p> + <p><small>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</small></p> + <p><small>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OFFICE OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <p>83 Nassau Street.</p> + <p>[P.O. Box 2783.]</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEORGE WEVILL,</b></p> + <p>WOOD ENGRAVER,</p> + <b>208 BROADWAY,</b><br> +NEW YORK.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p><big><big>Draughtsman & Designer</big></big></p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</big></p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/69.jpg"> </center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">CHAPTER XXV.</p> + <p>THE SKELETON IS MCLAUGHLIN'S CLOSET.</p> + <p>Night, spotted with stars, like a black leopard, crouched once +more upon Bumsteadville, and her one eye to be seen in profile, the +moon, glared upon the helpless place with something of a cat's +nocturnal stare of glassy vision for a stupefied mouse. Midnight had +come with its twelve tinkling drops more of opiate, to deepen the +stupor of all things almost unto death, and still the light shone +luridly through the window-curtains of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, and still +the lonely musician sat stiffly at a dinner-table spread for three, +whereof only a goblet, a curious antique black bottle, a bowl of sugar, +a saucer of lemon-slices, a decanter of water, and a saucer of cloves +appeared to have been used by the solitary diner.</p> + <p>Unconscious that, through the door ajar at his back, a pair of +vigilant human orbs were upon him, the ritualistic organist, who was in +very low spirits, drew an emaciated and rather unsteady hand repeatedly +across his perspiring brow, and talked in deep bass to himself.</p> + <p>"He came in, af'r' bein' brisgly walked up'n-down the turnpike +by PENDRAGON, and slammed himself down-'n-that-chair," ran the +soliloquy, with a ghostly nod towards an opposite chair, drawn back +from the table. "'Inebrious boy!' says I, sternly, 'how-are-y'-now?' He +said 'Poorawell;' 'n' wen' down on-er-floor fas'hleep! I w's +scan'l'ized.—Whowoonbe?—I took m' umbrella 'n' thrashed 'm with it, +remarking 'F'shame! waygup! mis'able boy! 's poorysight-f'r-'nuncle-t' +see-'s-nephew-'n-this-p'litical-c'ndit'n.'—H'slep on; 'n' 't last I +picked up him, 'n' umbrella, 'n' took 'm out t' some cool place +t'shleep't off. <i>Where'd'</i> I take him? Thashwazmarrer—<i>where'd'</i> +I leave'm?"</p> + <p>Repeating this question to himself, with an almost frenzied +intensity, the gloomy victim of a treacherous memory threw an unearthly +stare of bloodshot questioning all over the room, and, after a swaying +motion or two of the upper half of his body, pitched forward, with his +forehead crashing upon the table. Instantly recovering himself, and +starting to rub his head, he as suddenly checked that palliative +process by a wild run to his feet and a hideous bellow.</p> + <p>"<i>I r'memb'r, now!</i>" he ejaculated, walking excitedly at +a series of obtuse angles all over the apartment. +"Got-'t-knockedinto-m'-head-'t-last. Pauper bur'l ground—J. +M'GLAUGHLIN. Down'n cellar—cool placefa' man's tight—lef' m' umbrella +there by m'stake—go'n' get't thishmin't—"</p> + <p>Managing, after several inaccurate aims at the doorway, to +plunge into the adjacent bedroom, he presently reappeared from thence, +veering hard-aport, with a lighted lantern in his right hand. Then, +circuitously approaching the neglected dining-table, he grasped with +his disengaged digits at the antique black bottle, missed it, went all +the way around the board before he could stop himself, clutched and +missed again, went clear around once more, and finally effected the +capture. "Th 'peared t' be two," he muttered, placing the prize in one +of his pockets; and, with a triumphant stride, made for the half-open +hall-door through which the eyes had been watching him.</p> + <p>The owner of those eyes, and of a surprising head of florid +hair, had barely time to draw back into the shadow of the corridor and +notice an approaching face like that of one walking in his sleep, when +the clove-eater swung disjointedly by him, with jingling lantern, and +went fiercely bumping down the stairway. Closely, without sound, +followed the watcher, and the two, like man and shadow, went out from +the house into the quarry of the moon-eyed black leopard.</p> + <p>Fully bound now in the sinister spell of the spice of the +Molucca islands, Mr. BUMSTEAD had regained that condition of his duplex +existence to which belonged the disposition he had made of his +lethargic nephew and alpaca umbrella on that confused Christmas night; +and with such realization of a distinct duality came back to him at +least a partial recollection of where he had put the cherished two. +Finding Mr. E. DROOD rather overcome by the more festive features of +the meal,—notwithstanding his walk at midnight with Mr. PENDRAGON,—he +had allowed his avuncular displeasure thereat to betray itself in a +threshing administered with the umbrella. Observing that the young man +still slept beside the chair from which he fell, he had ultimately, and +with the umbrella still under his arm raised the dishevelled nephew +head-downward in his arms, and impatiently conveyed him from the heated +room and house to the coolest retreat he could think of. There +depositing him, and, in his hurry, the umbrella also, to sleep off, +under reviving atmospheric influences, the unseemly effect of the +evening's banquet, he had gone back on both sides of the road to his +boarding-house, and, with his boots upon the pillow, sunk into an +instantaneous sleep of unfathomable depth. Dreaming, towards morning, +that he was engaging a large boa-constrictor in single combat, and +struggling energetically to restrain the ferocious reptile from getting +into his boots, he had suddenly awakened, with a crash, upon the +floor—to miss his umbrella and nephew, to forget where he had put them, +and to fly to Gospeler's Gulch with incoherent charges of larceny and +manslaughter. All this he could now vaguely recall, his present +psychological condition, or trance-state, being the same as then; and +was going entrancedly back to the hiding-place where, with the best of +motives, he had forgetfully left the two objects dearest to him in life.</p> + <p>On, then, proceeded the Ritualistic organist in the tawny +light of the black leopard's eye: his stealthy follower trailing +closely after in the shade of the roadside trees where the star-spotted +leopard's black paws were plunged deepest. On he went, in zig-zag +profusion of steps and occasional high skips over incidental shadows of +branches which he for snakes, until the Pauper Burial Ground was +reached, and MCLAUGHLIN'S hidden subterranean retreat therein attained. +It was the same weird spot to which he had been brought by Old +MORTARITY on the wintry night of their unholy exploring party; and, +without appearing to be surprised that the entrance to the excavation +was open, he eagerly descended by the rickety step-ladder, and held +himself steady by the latter while throwing the light of his lantern +around the mouldy walls.</p> + <p>His immediate hiccup, provoked by the dampness of the +situation, was answered by a groan, which, instead of being solid, was +very hollow; and, as he peered vivaciously forward behind his extended +lantern, there advanced from a far corner—O, woeful man! O, thrice +unhappy uncle!—the spectral figure of the missing EDWIN DROOD!</p> + <p>After a moment's inspection of the apparition, which paused +terribly before him with hand hidden in breast, Mr. BUMSTEAD placed his +lantern upon a step of the ladder, drew and profoundly labiated his +antique black bottle, thoughtfully crunched a couple of cloves from +another pocket—staring stonily all the while—and then addressed the +youthful shade:—</p> + <p>"Where's th' umbrella?"</p> + <p>"Monster of forgetfulness! murderer of memory!" spoke the +spirit, sternly. "In this, the last rough resting place of the +impecunious dead, do you dare to discuss commonplace topics with one of +the departed? Look at me, uncle, clove-befogged, and shrink appalled +from the dread sight, and pray for mercy."</p> + <p>"Ishthis prop'r language t' address-t'-y'r-relative?" inquired +Mr. BUMSTEAD, in a severely reproachful manner.</p> + <p>"Relative!" repeated the apparition, sepulchrally. "What sort +of relative is he, who, when his sister's orphaned son is sleeping at +his feet, conveys the unconscious orphan, head downward, through a +midnight tempest, to a place like this, and leaves him here, and then +forgets where he has put him?"</p> + <p>"I give't up," said the organist, after a moment's +consideration.</p> + <p>"The answer is: he's a dead-beat." continued the young ghost, +losing his temper. "And what, JOHN BUMSTEAD, did you do with my oroide +watch and other jewels?"</p> + <p>"Musht've spilt'm on the road here," returned the musing +uncle, faintly remembering that they had been found upon the turnpike, +shortly after Christmas, by Gospeler SIMPSON. "Are you dead, EDWIN?"</p> + <p>"Did you not bury me here alive, and close the opening to my +tomb, and go away and charge everybody with my murder?" asked the +spectre, bitterly. "O, uncle, hard of head and paralyzed in +recollection! is it any good excuse for sacrificing my poor life, that, +in your cloven state, you put me down a cellar, like a pan of milk, and +then could not remember where you'd put me? And was it noble, then, to +go to her whom you supposed had been my chosen bride, and offer wedlock +to her on your own account?"</p> + <p>"I was acting as y'r-executor, EDWIN," explained the uncle. "I +did ev'thing forth' besht."</p> + <p>"And does the sight of me fill you with no terror, no remorse, +unfeeling man?" groaned the ghost.</p> + <p>"Yeshir," answered Mr. BUMSTEAD, with sudden energy. "Yeshir. +I'm r'morseful on 'count of th' umbrella. Who-d'-y'-lend-'t-to?"</p> + <p>It is an intellectual characteristic of the more advanced +degrees of the clove-trance, that, while the tranced individual can +perceive objects, even to occasional duplexity, and hear remarks more +or less distinctly, neither objects nor remarks are positively +associated by him with any perspicuous idea. Thus, while the +Ritualistic organist had a blurred perception of his nephew's +conversational remains, and was dimly conscious that the tone of the +supernatural remarks addressed to himself was not wholly +congratulatory, he still presented a physical and moral aspect of dense +insensibility.</p> + <p>Momentarily nonplussed by such unheard-of calmness under a +ghostly visitation, the apparition, without changing position, allowed +itself to roll one inquiring eye towards the opening above the +step-ladder, where the moonlight revealed an attentive head of red +hair. Catching the glance, the head allowed a hand belonging to it to +appear at the opening and motion downward.</p> + <p>"Look there, then," said the intelligent ghost to its uncle, +pointing to the ground near its feet.</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD, rousing from a brief doze, glanced indifferently +towards the spot indicated; but, in another instant, was on his knees +beside the undefined object he there beheld. A keen, breathless +scrutiny, a frenzied clutch with both hands, and then he was upon his +feet again, holding close to the lantern the thing he had found.</p> + <p>The barred light shone on a musty skeleton, to which still +clung a few mouldy shreds left by the rats; and only the celebrated +bone handle identified it as what had once been the maddened finder's +idolized Alpaca Umbrella.</p> + <p>"Aha!" twitted the apparition, "then you have some heart left, +JOHN BUMSTEAD?"</p> + <p>"Heart!" moaned the distracted organist, fairly kissing the +dear remains, and restored to perfect speech and comprehension by the +awful shock. "I had one, but it is broken now!—Allie, my long-lost +Allie!" he continued, tenderly apostrophizing the skeleton, "do we meet +thus at last again?—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'What +thought is folded in thy leaves!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">What tender thought, what +speechless pain!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">I hold thy faded lips to mine,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">Thou darling of the April +rain!'</span> </div> + <p>Where is thine old familiar alpaca dress, my Allie? Where is +the canopy that has so often sheltered thy poor master's head from the +storm? Gone! gone! and through my own forgetfulness!"</p> + <p>"And have you no thought for your nephew?" asked the +persevering apparition, hoarsely.</p> + <p>"Not under the present circumstances," retorted the mourner; +he and the ghost both coughing with the colds which they had taken from +standing still so long in such a damp place—"not under the present +circumstances," he repeated, wildly, making a fierce pass at the +spectre with the skeleton, and then dropping the latter to the ground +in nerveless despair. "To a single man, his umbrella is wife, mother, +sister, venerable maiden aunt from the country—all in one. In losing +mine, I've lost my whole family, and want to hear no more about +relatives. Good night, sir."</p> + <p>"Here! hold on! Can't you leave the lantern for a moment?" +cried the ghost. But the heart-stricken Ritualist had swarmed up the +ladder and was gone.</p> + <p>Then, going up too, the spectre appeared also unto two other +men, who crawled from behind pauper headstones at his summons; the face +of the one being that of J. MCLAUGHLIN, that of the other Mr. TRACY +CLEWS. And the spectre walked between these two, carrying Mr. +BUMSTEAD'S skeleton in its hand.<a name="FNanchor1"></a><a + href="#Footnote_1"><sup>[1]</sup></a></p> + <p><a name="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor1">[1]</a> +The <i>cut</i> accompanying the above chapter is from the illustrated +title-page of the English monthly numbers of "The Mystery of Edwin +Drood;"—in which it is the last of a series of border-vignettes;—and +plainly shows that it was the author's intention to bring back his hero +a living man before the conclusion of the story.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE" + src="images/70.jpg"> </center> + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</b></p> + <p><i>Bibo</i>.—Is there a champagne wine having the flavor of +gun-flints?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—The wine made at Pierry, in the Champagne country, +is said by connoisseurs to be so flavored. There is much alarm now +among the wine-growers, however, lest the next vintage may have a +flavor of percussion-caps instead, owing to the war and the modern +weapons.</p> + <p><i>Plantagenet de Vere</i>.—Would you believe a person named +JONES on his oath?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—We would not.</p> + <p><i>Smike</i>. We read of houses being "gutted" by the Prussian +soldiers; have houses entrails, then?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—All occupied houses have livers, and most houses +have lights.</p> + <p><i>M. T. Head</i>.—We cannot pay strangers in advance for +contributions that have not been sent in by them.</p> + <p><i>Icarus</i>.—What do the balloon scouts of Paris use for +ballast?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Bundles of newspapers, chiefly. Immense bales of +the unsold copies of the New York <i>Free Press</i> are now exported +for the purpose. They are preferred to any other papers because, when +placed anywhere in the balloon, they Lie so, and, having already fallen +from grace, falling from a balloon is nothing to them.</p> + <p><i>Taxidermist</i>.—What is the best material for stuffing +ballot-boxes with?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Greenbacks.</p> + <p><i>Leatherhead</i>.—Is it true that most of the prominent men +of England—"TOM BROWN" HUGHES, for instance—are proficient pugilists?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—We have never seen "TOM BROWN" spar, but we have +often seen JOHN STUART Mill.</p> + <p><i>Abby Gansevoort</i>.—No, my dear, your name does not occur +in any of SHAKESPEARE'S plays.</p> + <p><i>Figdrum</i>.—Born to the drudgery of commerce, I aspire to +literature: what am I to do to see my name in print?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Put it in the City Directory.</p> + <p><i>Voice-in-the-Fog</i>.—Why is it that all the queer isms of +the day, such as socialism, are more cultivated by Red Republicans than +by any other political sect?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Red, as artists well know, is the complementary or +opposite color to green. The social phenomenon to which you refer, +then, may be accounted for on the principle that extremes meet.</p> + <p><i>Clericus</i>.—Is it proper for me, as a clergyman, to wear +moustaches?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Quite so, unless they are red, in which case they +might interfere with your published sermons.</p> + <p><i>Astrolabe</i>.—What is the exact distance between the Dog +Star and Roxbury, Mass.?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—We do not know. PUNCHINELLO is not a Sirius +journal.</p> + <p><i>Juniper Byles</i>.—My rent has just been raised, and I have +had a curtain-lecture from my wife for swearing about it. Would not you +swear if your rent was raised?<br> + <i>Answer</i>.—Certainly not—at least not if it was raised by +benevolent subscription.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN ACQUAINTANCE.</b></p> + <p><i>Tom</i>.—"I say, JACK, what a beautiful complexion Miss +SMITH has. Do you know her?"</p> + <p><i>Jack</i>.—"No, but I know a girl who buys her complexion at +the same store at which Miss SMITH buys hers."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"CUM GRANO SALIS."</b>—Musk-melon.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A HORSE-CAR CONTINGENCY.</b></p> + <p>Gallant Tar (To horrified lady of uncertain age), "BELAY +THERE, OLD WOMAN! TAKE THIS SEAT."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OUR PORTFOLIO.</p> + <p>PARIS, FOURTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870.</p> + <p>Dear Punchinello: You may not have heard that BISMARCK has +been here, had an interview with FAVRE, and is off again. I didn't +suppose you would know it, so I hasten to give you and your army of +readers a brief synopsis of what took place, as nearly as I can in the +exact language used by the distinguished diplomats upon the occasion.</p> + <p>The scene of the consultation was one of the Imperial +wine-cellars under that pavilion of the Tuileries palace which +overlooks the Seine at the southwestern extremity of the <i>Place du +Carrousel</i>. The spot was selected for two reasons: it was far +removed from the noise and hubbub of the city, and it furnished +facilities for "liquoring up" in case of necessity. I was there and +left, as you will see, under circumstances calculated to give me a +lasting impression of the event. We all three of us sat around a pine +table, upon which faintly flickered a tallow candle in a soda-water +bottle, that shed around a sickly glare (that is to say, the candle +did). BISMARCK looked a little the worse for wear, I thought, and, as +he unbuttoned his vest with a grunt of relief, he struck me likewise as +being rather short in his wind.</p> + <p>FAVRE was loose and frisky as a four weeks old kitten, and +spoke with a quick, decided tone that reminded me of HORACE GREELEY. He +never once swore, however, during the whole interview. Your readers +will observe that even if this momentous meeting was not marked by the +usual diplomatic usages, the language is strictly according to the +usual diplomatic idiom. It is important to note this fact, as +everything hinges on the "idiom."</p> + <p>BISMARCK was the first to break silence:</p> + <p>"The difficulties which embarrass the questions under +discussion stand first in the order of elimination."</p> + <p>FAVRE assented, and BISMARCK continued: "We must remove the +peritoneum to get at the viscera of the issues (I was much struck with +the force and originality of this method of putting it), and evict +those impressions which are purely matters of national sensibility."</p> + <p>I snuffed the candle and waited for FAVRE.</p> + <p>FAVRE: "Your Excellency abounds in subtle diagnoses."</p> + <p>BISMARCK: "It is not a question of noses."</p> + <p>FAVRE: "Your Excellency mistakes me. I meant to say that, like +the 'Heathen Chinee,' your ways are dark."</p> + <p>I moved the light closer to the Count. FAVRE only smiled.</p> + <p>BISMARCK: "Touching 'rectification,' then, Germany sticks to +her position."</p> + <p>I regarded this as an insinuation that somebody was "stuck."</p> + <p>FAVRE: "France adheres unalterably to her previous resolution. +National traditions, deeply interwoven with the fine fibre of +individual natures, forbid the relaxation of tissues logically +irresistible."</p> + <p>A smile of triumph flitted faintly o'er the features of the +Frenchman. He evidently thought he had made a "ten strike." I whispered +approvingly, "<i>Tres bien, Monsieur, tres bien!</i>"</p> + <p>BISMARCK: "Does the German heart yearn for the Rhine? Does it +yearn for Strasbourg? Does it yearn for Metz? and if not, what does it +yearn for?"</p> + <p>He was looking straight at me when he said this, and so I +answered "Bier."</p> + <p>A dark scowl flitted frantically over the features of the +German, but he went right on: "Are all the longings of all these years, +dating from the birth of CHARLEMAGNE and extending through GUSTAVUS +ADOLPHUS to FREDERICK the Great and WILLIAM the First, by his father on +his maternal grandmother's side, who lies in the iron coffin of the <i>domkirche</i> +at Potsdam, whence we derive the consolidated grandeur of HOHENZOLLERN +mingling its rich ancestral dyes with the dark woof of fate to dispel +the expanding dream of German aspiration?"</p> + <p>I had not time to witness the effect upon FAVRE, but, gasping +for breath, I started from my seat and uttered these words, which I +remembered to have read in a German-English libretto of MARIE STUART: "<i>Mein +Gott, ich kenne eures Eifers reinen Trieb, Weiss, dass gediegne +Weissheit aus Euch redet!</i>"</p> + <p>It did not matter to me that FAVRE lay swooning on the floor. +That the Count glared at me savagely and crunched his jaws with +maniacal energy. My knowledge of German was up. It had caught the +fierce impulse, the majestic sweep of his ponderous linguosity. I +remembered another sentence, and hurled it wildly at him: "<i>Bei Gott, +Du wirst, ich hoff's, noch viele Jahre auf ihrem Grabe wandeln, ohne +dass du selber sie hinabzustürzen brauchtest!</i>"</p> + <p>Again I looked at the Count. His jaw had ceased working, and +the expression of his eye had changed. His arm moved furtively beneath +the table. What could he be doing? Horrible moment of uncertainty. +Still the arm worked, as if tugging at something. I could stand it no +longer. Seizing the soda-water bottle, I stooped to cast the rays of +the sixpenny dip beneath the table. As I did so, a boot-heel flashed in +the air, the Count's arm descended with a terrific detonation, and I +saw no more.</p> + <p>(Interval of twenty-four hours.)</p> + <p>The result of the interview will be communicated to the +American public by a Tribune special, as soon as a carrier-pigeon can +reach SMALLEY at London. I am still suffering from a sensation of +having been recently hit,</p> + <p>DICK TINTO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">ASPIRATION.</p> + <p>Of all sorts of people in the world, the Cockney has the +queerest notions about vegetable nature. Show him the first letter of +the alphabet, for instance, and he pronounces it "hay."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">APPARENTLY ANOMALOUS.</p> + <p>Should the Prussians ever succeed in entering Paris, it is +hardly possible that they can be well received by the citizens, whether +they find FAVRE there or not.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PRIVATE GALLERIES.</b></p> + <p><b>The Belmont Collection.</b></p> + <p>This admirable gallery includes among its treasures many of +the old masters and-when open for exhibition—a bewildering collection +of young nurses. The latter are frequently inaccurate in anatomical +details, but in point of brilliancy of color they far outshine the best +efforts of RUBENS and TITIAN. The flesh tints produced by many of our +Fifth Avenue belles infinitely surpass the obsolete tints upon which +the great Venetians used to pride themselves.</p> + <p>In Mr. BELMONT'S gallery there are so many original RAPHAELS +and MURILLOS, painted by the very best European artists of the present +day, that it would occupy far too much of our limited space were we to +notice them in detail. We will therefore pass them by, and simply call +attention to some of the more noteworthy pictures, executed by +contemporary painters, which hang side by side with the more smoky but +hardly less valuable works of antiquity. Prominent among these is a +modest little "Fruit and Flower" piece, by that promising young artist, +Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY. It deserves especial praise for its accurate +copying of nature, the varied beauty of its coloring, and the deep +longing of the heart—the hunger of the soul—which must have inspired +the fair artist. We give a faithful sketch of this charming picture, +though, of course, the glories of its rainbow hues cannot be +represented here.</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/72a.jpg"> + <p><b>FRUIT AND FLOWER PIECE.</b></p> + </center> + <p>A beautiful work, and one evidently inspired by the sound of +battle, is the noble historical painting entitled "On Picket," by Mr. +C.A. DANA, Associate Artist National Academy of Velocipedestrianism. +The artist has produced a picture that must inspire us all with the +absolute truth of the story it so dramatically tells, while he has +filled our hearts with deep sympathy and lofty admiration for the +lovely and heroic combatant depicted on his canvas. Our army +officers—Col. FISK for example—who are ignorant of the sword exercise +may derive a hint from this spirited work, as to the importance of +obtaining a thorough mastery of the fence.</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/72b.jpg"> </center> + <p>Claude's renowned landscape of the "Ruined Mill" is familiar +to all who are acquainted with it, and has been greatly admired by +those who did not feel impelled to condemn its many faults. But CLAUDE +is now known to have been no artist, but a mere pretender. There is +reason to believe that he had never read RUSKIN, and was hence +necessarily ignorant of the aim and method of landscape painting. Our +young friend BROWN, the <i>spirituel</i> and fascinating assistant +Rector of a fashionable uptown church, has in this gallery a rendering +of a similar subject. How manifest is his superiority to CLAUDE! With +what truth and fidelity to nature; with what holy calm, and child-like +faith, and lofty aspiration has BROWN filled his glowing canvas! And +withal, he does not lead us back to the dead faith and traditions of +the past, save to urge us onward in the pathway of—in the pathway—in +short, to urge us on more or less. To those envious minds who affect to +regard BROWN as a mere amateur, an undertaker of more than he has the +ability to execute, we would deign but one reply, and that would be, +"Look at his trees in the picture called the 'Ruins of the Mill,' and +then cower back into your native insignificance."</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/72c.jpg"> + <p><b>RUINS OF A MILL.</b></p> + </center> + <p>There are many other pictures which we would like to notice in +this article, but want of space will forbid us to do so this week. We +have merely room to mention, with warm approbation, the exceedingly +dramatic little <i>genre</i> picture entitled "Shoo-fly," by the +veteran Minstrel, Mr. DANIEL BRYANT, whose recent translation of HOMER +has given him so high a rank among the best German scholars of the day.</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/72d.jpg"> + <p><b>SHOE FLY!</b></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>RULES AND MAXIMS.</b></p> + <p>How they change! ESCULAPIUS now gives to us and our children, +as <i>medicine</i>, what he denounced to the last generation as "<i>pizen</i>." +The heresy of yesterday is the orthodoxy of to-day.</p> + <p>Thus the philosophy of those who are <i>under</i> the turf is +refuted by those who are <i>on</i> the turf. It used to be said in +regard to horses:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"One white foot, buy him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Two white feet, try him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Three white feet, deny him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Four white feet and a white +nose,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Take off his shoes and give +him to the crows."</span> </div> + <p>But the advent of DEXTER has changed the sinister rhyme to:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">One +white foot, spy him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Two white feet, try him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Three white feet, buy him,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Four white feet and a white nose,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And a mile in 2-17 he goes.</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>RIGHT TO THE SPOT.</b></p> + <p>Additional spots on the disk of the sun are reported. An +ingenious writer, who candidly states that he is not an astronomer, +accounts for them by suggesting that they are caused by stray shots +from the Prussian sharpshooters who tried to bring down GAMBETTA'S +balloon.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A QUERY FOR STEEPLE-CHASERS.</b></p> + <p>We hear a great deal about "featherweights" in connection with +racing. If there <i>are</i> such things as feather weights, why on +earth don't the managers of Jerome Park races stuff the steeple-chase +jockeys with them, to prevent them from being injured by such accidents +as happened there on the opening day of the Autumn meeting?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO VIII.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">JACK +SPRAT could eat no fat,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">His wife could eat no lean;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so between them both,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">They licked the platter clean.</span> + </div> + <p>JACK SPRAT was a near neighbor to the Poet. He was a +remarkably delicate man, cadaverous and thin. A dyspeptic, always +ailing, he was a subject of pity for his friends, and of wonder to his +acquaintances. But behold the eternal fitness of things. Providence +blessed him with a wife, his opposite in every respect. When extremes +meet, a perfect whole is the result; and in this case it was a perfect +marriage, fit to be sung by poets and embalmed in verse.</p> + <p>When JACK SPRAT met SALLY STUBBS, at a husking party, she took +his eye, and kept it. She filled his heart completely. A rosy-cheeked, +buxom lass, healthy and hearty, dimples and dumplings combined, she +captivated and carried, by sheer force of weight, the delicate soul of +poor JACK.</p> + <p>It was a case of latitude against longitude; strength against +weakness, smiles against tears, laughter against groans. And so the +poor fellow, feeling an unacknowledged desire to find some one able to +support and protect him, yielded to the advice of his friends and his +own inclinations, and laid his attenuated hand, with his poor little +heart in it, at the fat feet of fair SALLY STUBBS.</p> + <p>He was smiled upon, broad-grinned upon, and accepted; and +thereby rendered for the nonce the happiest of men. Tradition has it +that the next day he actually ate a hearty dinner, and did not complain +of his digestion immediately after. But this is considered doubtful by +many.</p> + <p>Fair SALLY, overflowing with the milk of human kindness, and +yearning in her soul to bestow her attentions and corporosity upon +JACK'S attenuosity, urged matters onward, and the wedding day was +fixed, the ring bought, and delicate Mr. SPRAT was led to the altar +like a sheep to the slaughter.</p> + <p>Tremblingly he advanced up the aisle of the village church, +leading his blushing and waddling bride, and took his place, looking +like an exclamation point alongside a parenthesis, before the +black-robed Priest, who speedily put an end to Miss STUBBS, and +presented JACK with a female SPRAT.</p> + <p>Mrs. SPRAT blushed like a full-blown peony as JACK manfully +and courageously saluted her upon one rosy cheek, in the presence of +the assembled guests, and then, to cover her confusion, she giggled and +shook hands energetically with the company, telling JACK to "hold up +his head and do the same, for it was <i>com eel fut</i>, and he must +try to be fashionable at his own wedding."</p> + <p>The Bride carried off the honors manfully, and after the first +few moments recovered from her embarrassment, and appeared as much at +ease as if getting married was an every-day affair, not worth minding. +JACK couldn't get over it so readily, and his teeth chattered till late +in the night. But they stopped after a while; so I am told.</p> + <p>We pass over the first few days devoted to honey-mooning, and +look in upon them as they sit at dinner. He with his greyhound and she +with her cat, both animals attentively watching each morsel that +disappears from their longing gaze into the capacious mouth of master +or mistress. Notice with what dexterity and generosity Mr. SPRAT +selects the fattest parts and skilfully conveys them to Madam's plate, +reserving the lean for himself; occasionally throwing a bone to his +dog, while the lady now and then bestows a fat bit upon Puss, who +slowly licks her lips and winks for more. It is a cozy scene of quiet +domestic bliss, and so continues till the platter is empty; when, both +feeling satisfied for the time, they lean back in their respective +chairs, and gaze complacently upon their pets, each other, and the +empty dishes.</p> + <p>Their wonderful congeniality and quiet happiness became the +subject of wonder to their friends, and of comment and speculation to +the village gossips. Her oleaginous and feather-bed-like disposition +compelled peace, as oil upon the waves, and shed trouble as a duck +sheds water. JACK and his complainings never troubled her; she merely +laughed when he groaned, and offered to rub his back. But he, fearing +the ponderosity of her hand, rarely submitted; his spinal column being +delicate, he dared not risk it.</p> + <p>Village gossips tell many little incidents connected with the +married life of the twain, which would be invidious to mention here. +Suffice it to say that they were considered fit subjects for the +ever-ready pen of the Poet to seize upon and perpetuate in never-dying +verse, for the benefit of posterity. That the Poet was right in his +surmises, we have only to look around and ascertain how many learned +people of all grades have treasured up in their memory, from infancy, +the history of JACK SPRAT and his wife.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN OBVIOUS ILLUSTRATION</b></p> + <p><b>Scene. A Lunch Counter.</b></p> + <p><i>Customer.</i> "Waiter, do you call this a milk toast?—why, +there's no milk to be seen."</p> + <p><i>Waiter.</i> "Milk all gone into the toast, sir."</p> + <p><i>Customer.</i> "But there's no toast to speak of."</p> + <p><i>Waiter.</i> "Toast all gone into the milk, sir."</p> + <p><i>Customer.</i> "Ah, ha!—there's an idea in that, by Jove. +I'll go straight home and write a pamphlet upon the new theory of +mutual absorption."</p> + <p><i>Waiter.</i> "Yes, sir. Don't forget to mention the Kilkenny +Cats, sir!"</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/73.jpg"> + <p><b>ENCOURAGING HOME MANUFACTURES.</b></p> + <p><i>Young Patriot.</i> "GIMME THREE CENTS WORTH O' CHESTNUTS."</p> + <p><i>Female Broker.</i> "D' YER WANT EYETALIAN ONES?"</p> + <p><i>Y. P.</i> "NO, DARN YER—GIMME AMERICAN ONES."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COUNT BISMARCK'S ACCOUNT.</b></p> + <p>BISMARCK'S insolence is really becoming dangerous. He can deny +and contradict the statements made by other Counts, Ambassadors, Kings, +or by himself, without its becoming a matter of sufficient importance +to interest us. Such giving and taking the lie is a part of the +business of persons of this kidney. But he has actually had the +audacity to deny the truthfulness of the report by RUSSELL to the <i>Times</i> +of a conversation held between them. If this thing is not checked in +the bud, he will next be denying—his conversation! with the <i>Tribune</i> +"special," as reported by that ubiquitous observer. What will there be +for the world to believe, if it loses faith in the truthfulness of the +papers?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Con. for the Vatican.</b></p> + <p>Why is VICTOR EMMANUEL like a tomahawk? Because he is now said +to be "a tool in the hands of the Reds."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE "LOUDEST" OF SUNDAYS "SWELLS."</b> The Swell of the +Church organ.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/74.jpg"> + <p>THE PRIZE CALF "S. L. WOODFORD," FATTENED UP BY MESSRS. GREELY +AND CURTIS FOR THE SPECIAL PURPOSE OF BEING CUT UP ON TUESDAY, NOVEMBER +8TH.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"DOST KNOW ME?"</b></p> + <p>Composed by our Special Dangerous Lunatic in one of his Lucid +Intervals.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Dost know me? dost know me? was all the +maiden said,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">As she streamed her golden +tresses through the half-unkneaden bread,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">While the sunset light came +sheening athwart the oaken floor,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And the Headsman chanted his +roundelay at the soul-beshriven door.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Dost know me? dost know me? +rang o'er the heather wild,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">While the dew-drop lifted its +golden head, and the hoary bull-frog</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">smiled;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Yet every eye was dim with +tears, as the shadow of Time replied,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And the echo from over the +moorland drear,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">In cloistered glory and voice +of cheer,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Silently welcomed the Bride.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">"Dost know me? dost know me?" +and a soul from out the gloom</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Welcomed the rippling brooklet +flowing past the tomb,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Gilding the steeples, near and +far, with a dusk and dimsome spleen,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Tipping with crest of golden +fire</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Each mighty CAESAR'S funeral +pyre</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">In its wealth of golden sheen.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">"Dost know me? dost know +me?"—eftsoones the answer came</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">From the lips of the lady with +blonden hair like a wreath of golden</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">flame,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">As she lifted the light of her +beauteous eyes to the questioning</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">lips of the knight,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And muttered those words of +import dire,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And flashed her eyes with a +baleful fire—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Alas! did he hear aright?</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">"I know thee! I know thee! for +thou art the Khouli Khan,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And I am the Empress of +Allahabad, or any other man,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Then turtle soup may lift its +crest o'er the stars in the twilight dim,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Ere I, an Empress of regions +fair,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">With a halo of succulent +blonden hair,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Elope with a Khouli grim."</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Ah me! 'twas sad, and a +gruesome night, when the maiden fair said, "No!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And gave response to the +Knight's demand in accents sweetly low.</span> </div> + <p>THE END.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Gems more clear than this, no doubt, have +oftentimes been seen,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Yet methinks, at least, 'tis a +poem clear</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">As poems which every week appear</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">In the <i>Waverley Magazine</i>.</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"WELL SAID, OLD MOLE!"</b></p> + <p>In a newspaper description of Mr. GREELEY, published some +years since, it was stated that he was born with a mole upon his left +arm. This may or may not be the case; but, judging from the persistence +with which the great agriculturist advocates sub-soil ploughing, there +can be no doubt whatever that he has mole on the brain.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>BLOOD AND THUNDER!</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO learns, without the least surprise, that Mr. +YOUNGBLOOD has retired in disgust from the management of the New York <i>Free +Press</i>. It is further announced that the estimable publication +referred to will henceforth be under the charge of Mr. OLDBLOOD, a +blood relative of all the BADBLOODS belonging to the JOHN REAL +Democracy.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"FALL" WEATHER.</b></p> + <p>The subject of bringing down rain by the firing of artillery +has again been revived, owing to the long droughts that have lately +prevailed. What gives a color of feasibility to it, at present, is the +fact that the Reign of LOUIS NAPOLEON has lately been brought down by +Prussian guns.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/75.jpg"> + <p><b>A SIGHT TOO BAD!</b></p> + <p><i>Struggling Cuba.</i> "YOU MUST BE AWFULLY NEAR-SIGHTED, MR. +PRESIDENT, NOT TO RECOGNIZE ME."</p> + <p><i>U. S. G.</i> "NO: I AM FAR-SIGHTED; FOR I CAN RECOGNIZE +FRANCE."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN'S POLITICAL SENTIMENTS.</b></p> + <p>His Reason for Leaving his Party.—A Catechism for Candidates.</p> + <p>I hain't gilty of any stated polertix, as Ime aware of.</p> + <p>For an old man, Ime helthy and sound as a nut on all public +questions. I use to be an old line Whig, and was a pooty active +thimble-rigger as long as it paid. But when that party refoosed to +renominate me for the offis of Gustese of the Peece, like a thurar bred +polertician, I shook 'em. Said I, standin' ontop a sugar hogshead, at a +primary meetin, which was bein held in SIMMINSES grocery store:—</p> + <p>"Feller sitizens of the Whig party, Refoose to renominate good +men for offisses, and you can pack your duds and git your carpet bags +checkt for the next steamer goin up Salt River.</p> + <p>Leave my name off'n your ticket for another term of offis, and +there won't be enuff left in your old politikle carciss to grease a +flap-jack griddle with. In the words of Mister—Mister—Somebody, "A word +to the wise is—is—enuff to make a—hoss laff."</p> + <p>And here I say it, Mister PUNCHINELLO, I wasent nominated.</p> + <p>Dident I smash things? Gess not! I norgarated a bolt which +spread like pourin keroseen ile over a marble floor, and the next fall, +SCOTT & GRAHAM was nockt hire'n the Himmely mountins, while the old +Whig party shoveled off its mortil quarrel.</p> + <p>Thus, as HORRIS GREELY, in his remarks on politikle Economy, +says: "Vengents, like a 2 tined pitchfork in the hands of Old Nick, +will bust up any party which goes back onto its trusted leaders. +'Vengents is mine,' says the disappinted offis seeker, and on Election +day he peddles split tickets ontil the poles close."</p> + <p>Standin as I do on nootral ground, I wish like JOHN BULL I +could make my nootrality pay as well as J. B. does, by sellin stores to +the Prooshians and the French.</p> + <p>In castin my suferage this fall, I shall go Principals not +men. A <i>principal</i> which is good for its little 7 per cent. <i>intrest</i> +payable semi-annually, is what ales me.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">High-toned +(?) principals, and not men,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Is what's the matter in this +ere breast,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Lait Gustise his influence +will lend</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To him whose <i>principal</i> +pays the best.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 6.25em;">(Campane poickry.)</span> </div> + <p>I have prepared a serious of questions, which I propose to ask +candydates who come sneakin around for my sufferage.</p> + <p><i>Skedyule of Interogertories.</i></p> + <p>What's your <i>principals,</i> and is the interest payable in +gold or greenbax?</p> + <p>If elected to offis, will you squander all your salary and +retire poorer than a church mouse? or will you give <i>such strict +attention to your dooties</i> as will enable you to salt down +$100,000.00 per yeer from the enormous salary of $1500.00 ($ fifteen +hundred)?</p> + <p>Do you think, takin an <i>iron</i> clad oath has got anything +to do with a sertin commandment which says, "Thou shalt not <i>steel</i>"?</p> + <p>Are you a beleiver in E. CADY STANTON'S revoolushinary idees, +that woman is the "coming man," and if so, how do you like it as fur as +yoo've got?</p> + <p>Do you think THEODORE TILTON, ED STUDWELL, STEVE GRISWOLD, +FRED DUGLIS, and SOOSAN B. ANTHONY would make as good Presidents of the +U.S. as a man would?</p> + <p>Is your wife one of them strong-minded critters, who believes +that husbands had orter stay home and nuss the baby while she goes out +and plays baseball?</p> + <p>Will you fall onto a voter's sholders, who eats garlix and +onions, and shed tears as freely the day arter eleckshun as you will +the nite before?</p> + <p>Could you sing the "Battle-cry of freedom" so luvly, if it +wasent for Unkle Sam's <i>Notes</i>?</p> + <p>Would you have any objections, if our National and Common +Counsels, like that of Rome, should organize <i>Economikle</i> +Counsels?</p> + <p>In the war on tother side of the pond, is your sympathies for +Lager or Pea soup?</p> + <p>If you want the German vote, don't you think it would be your +politikle <i>bier</i> to get at <i>lager</i>-heads with the Prushians?</p> + <p>Did you ever think before, that yourself and family, way back +15 or 20 generations in the grave, were such a lot of low-lived +villyians as the opposition papers say you be? and haint it a mistery +to you that you are allowed to go unhung?</p> + <p>Did you commit the NATHAN murder? if so, why dident you call +off your <i>"dorg"?</i></p> + <p>Do you know as much about farmin as HORRIS GREELY does? if so, +who told you?</p> + <p>Are you a Fenian, Know-nothin, Mason, Anti-mason, Labor +Reformer, Anti-labor Reformer, a Chineese cooler, Anti-Chineese cooler, +and the "wickedest man in N.Y."? Are you in favor of free trade, high +tariff, free whiskey, whiskey tax, JIM FISK, MARETZEK, Tammany, the +Young Democracy, Grand Army of the Republicans, GEO. F. TRAIN, MRS. +CUNNINGHAM, and the D—l?</p> + <p>In fact, like JOSEFF, have you got a cote of many cullers?</p> + <p>Any candydate who can give affirmative ansers to the foregoin +Catekism, and is willin to show his <i>principals</i> by bleedin +freely, can get my vote, sure popp.</p> + <p>Ewers trooly, & I haint afrade To jine the bread & +butter brigade.</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peese.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">LAST WORDS OF EMINENT MEN.</p> + <p>Selected by Sarsfield Young.</p> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <p>I die a true American.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>WM. POOLE.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me where I fall.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>BILLY BOWLEGS, and other military heroes.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>The die is <i>Caste</i>.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>T. W. ROBERTSON.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me where the woodbine twineth.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>Col. JAMES FISK, Jr.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Fools, 'od rot 'em!</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>HIGGINBOTTOM.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me in the Fall.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>The Poet who "would not die in Spring-time."</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Don't give up the ship! [the Secretary-ship.]</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>CHAS. SUMNER to Sec. STANTON.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me where I fall back.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>Gen. O'NEILL, of the Fenian Army.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Give me liberty, or give me death, with a decided +preference for ANASTASIA.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>Poor PILLICODDY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Bury me in the Falls</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>SAM PATCH.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>If any one dare haul down the American flag—wait till +you see the white of his eyes, then—shoot him on the spot.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>C.L. VALLANDIGHAM.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>Let BROWN (or some other first-class sexton) bury me +where I fall.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>Capt. KIDD.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <p>As I cannot lay my sword at the feet of my army, I die +at the head of your Majesty.</p> + </td> + <td> + <p>LOUIS NAPOLEON.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A FREE TRADER.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now +gentlemen, of every kind,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Just step into my shop,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, as I'm hard to pacify,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">You'd better bring a sop;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'll dress you up in any style</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For which you choose to call,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But then, you must bring ready +cash,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Because I shines for all.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'm always ready for a trade,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">No matter what its kind;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'll dress you up so very neat,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">If your bid suits my mind.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If, when I ask the custom house,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He says, "Give it I sha'n't,"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">DAVIS and FISH I strike, because</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I does not shine for GRANT.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sometimes I send a little bill</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For goods they have not had,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And if they do not pay at once</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Then I gets awful mad.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of public pap I'm very fond,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I'd like to get it all,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, if they block my little game,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I does not shine for HALL.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I've lampooned every decent man,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Who with me would not trade;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I keep a little book account</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Of those who have not paid:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So, if you don't enjoy free trade,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Don't listen to my call;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'll give you good names for good +pay,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Because I shines for all.</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/78.jpg"> + <p>When you go to the theater, it is pleasant to have the little +boy of a rustic couple persist in feeding you with gingerbread and +orange-peel, and, if you request the little wretch to keep still, to be +told by his parents that you are "putting on airs."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MEDICAL CONFIDENCE GAME.</b></p> + <p>Mr. Punchinello has lately received a medical publication, in +which there are some editorial remarks concerning the relations between +physicians and their patients. The latter are exhorted to place all +confidence in their medical advisers, for, otherwise, there can be no +harmonious action between them. This is all very well, and Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks that if anything in this world should be the subject +of sacred confidences, it should be the revelations of the sick-room. +But, after reading the reports of the various cases which are detailed +in this publication, his faith in the advisability of confiding in +one's doctor was somewhat shaken. For instance, when he read that "Miss +ANNA P-----, aged 25, of blonde complexion and apparent good health, +residing near Jefferson avenue and Sixty-eighth street, had been +subject for years to convolutions of the cerebral hemispheres, and had +been obliged at various times to submit to partial amputations of +horn-like excrescences on the divisions of her manual extremities," Mr. +PUNCHINELLO was of opinion that this young lady, who could be easily +recognized from the hints (?) of her name and residence, might possibly +object to the announcement, to all her friends and acquaintances, that +she had cerebral hemispheres, and still more to the fact that they were +convoluted. But this dreadful truth is published, under the merest film +of concealment of her identity, to the whole world, and her physical +condition and subsequent surgical treatment may be town-talk for the +rest of her life. Where is the "sacred confidence" here?</p> + <p>There are dozens of similar cases in the publication referred +to, and medical journals are, in general, full of them.</p> + <p>Will it therefore be wondered at if we don't want all the +world to know, every time we call in a doctor, that we may have a +"parenchyma of the lung," or a "sub-conjunctival cellular tissue," that +we will begin some day to insist as much upon medical honor as medical +ability? Mr. PUNCHINELLO thinks not.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"FIAT LUX."</b></p> + <p>We learn that our Third Assistant Postmaster-General has been +indisposed for some days, owing to his excessive labor in breaking +envelope contracts. Why does the Postmaster-General allow his +subordinates thus to overwork themselves? We wish he would shed a REAY +of light on the subject.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SCIENCE AND ENDURANCE.</b></p> + <p>When people undertake any thing in the cause of Science, or +indeed in any other cause, they might as well do their best while they +have a chance. This is an axiom of social economy which is presented, +gratis, to the world.</p> + <p>Now, the three scientific men who intend passing the winter on +the top of Mount Washington, might certainly find some other manner of +spending the cold months in the interests of science which would be +much more difficult and disagreeable. They expect to be snowed up at +the Tip-top House, from December until March, and will spend their time +in a room lined with felt, where they will burn twenty tons of coal +during their sojourn.</p> + <p>Almost any one could do all this. If the scientific gentlemen +in question desire to undergo some really notable hardships there are +plenty of deep lakes in New York, at the bottom of which they might +spend the winter in a diving-bell. They would probably be frozen in +until March, and they would find it much more difficult to use their +instruments, and everything far more disagreeable, generally, than in a +large room in the Tip-top House. Still if they would prefer something +still more arduous, let them ride day and night, from December until +March, in the Third Avenue cars of this city. If they were to do this, +and confine their scientific labors to observations of the decidedly +mean altitude of the Sun, they would probably suffer more, in a given +time, than any previous party of learned men, and thus accomplish their +object much better than by deliberately allowing themselves to be +snowed up on Mount Washington.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A SURPRISING PROPHECY.</b></p> + <p>Years ago Mr. PUNCHINELLO had a very old grandfather, and he +well remembers that on the <i>inside</i> of the lid of a certain +horse-hair trunk, the property of that estimable old man, was pasted a +bit of poetical prophecy, the words of which embedded themselves, like +the hot letters of a branding-iron, on the tender skin of Mr. +PUNCHINELLO'S mind. The following is the prophecy:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Add +seventy-four and 62,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And forty and 900 too;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Then, if to this sum you place</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Seven hundred and an ace,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You will surely find the year</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">When they ought to disappear—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Both a Certain Holy 'un</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the last NAPOLEON.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And darkness will come wholly on</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Sun. Day, natheless, will glow</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Down in the regions far below."</span> + </div> + <p>Now this is certainly a very astounding prophecy. If the +numbers mentioned at the beginning of the oracular ditty be added +together without using the ace, they make the year 1776. Now the value +of an ace in Seven-up (and seven is the uppermost word in the line in +which our ace occurs) is four. So four, added to the former sum, makes +the year 1780. But even the first NAPOLEON had not made his appearance +in this year, and so it would seem there must be a mistake somewhere. +But such is not the case. If, after the manner of the regular +prophecy-makers, we treat this sum according to the rule of +probabilities, we shall see that, if "seventeen-eighty" will not work +prophecy, we must reverse the year and call it "eighteen-seventy." This +hits the mark exactly, and makes us tremble at the prophetic power of +some of those old delvers in the mines of dark prediction.</p> + <p>For now we see plainly that not only the Pope and the +ex-Emperor of France will probably disappear this year from the scenes +of their glory, but that the Sun, over which a certain dirty mistiness +has been stealing for some time past, will be entirely shrouded in the +blackness of ruin. The lines</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"----Day, +natheless, will glow</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Down in the regions far below,"</span> + </div> + <p>doubtless refer to DANA the less, who, when his sheet is +utterly overwhelmed in its self-made oblivion, will deserve, and +probably obtain, all the brightness and warmth to which the verse +refers.</p> + <p>Placing this astounding prediction by the side of the amazing +events of the present year, it is impossible for Mr. PUNCHINELLO to +repress his feelings of wonder and awe!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</p> + <p><img alt="T" align="left" src="images/79.jpg">here is an old +conundrum song that begins—"Why do summer roses fade?" The late ARTEMUS +WARD thought they did it as a matter of business. Why do the "Two +Roses" bloom? That is WALLACK'S business. Also just now it happens to +be mine.</p> + <p>The modern English comedy is divided into two kinds. Everybody +will consider this statement a conundrum, and answer,—"Bad and good." +Wrong, my little dears. All your lexicographers agree that "kind" +means a "race," which is absurd, because a horse-race, for instance, is +anything but kind. But they explain by saying that it means a genus. +Good plays are not a genus. They are freaks of nature, like the woolly +horse and the sacred cow; only, when they are produced, so many people +will not pay money to see them as to see the w.h. and the s.c.</p> + <p>The division of modern plays, as JONATHAN EDWARDS said +wittily, in his sparkling treatise on "The Will," is into the tame and +the wild. For the latter the recipe is simple. Take some black false +beads, hatchets, pistols, a "dog"—not a quadruped, but the article +which was left in Mr. NATHAN'S hall—a woman in black hair and a white +garment, suggestive of repose, strolling at midnight by the banks of +the prattling East River, foot of Grand Street, and set a house afire +at the end of the third act. That is the BOUCICAULT style, and as the +flippant EDWARDS goes on to observe, it draws like a factory chimney in +the Bowery and at NIBLO's.</p> + <p>But this sort of thing will not do at all at WALLACK'S. Of +course not. STODDART is permitted to swear there, to be sure; but I +understand that he does it for fear people should call WALLACK'S the +hall of the Old Men's Christian Association. With that exception there +is, as somebody said about something, absolutely nothing to offend the +most fastidious. Any person who exhibits excitement upon the stage is +discharged at the end of the week with a pension. Miss MOORE is +permitted to weep, but she does it so quietly and nicely that it does +not disturb anybody. And the ushers have received strict orders to +eject anybody in the audience who manifests any marked interest in the +performance. A friend of mine from Peoria once went to WALLACK'S, and +took no pains whatever to conceal his admiration of the acting. On the +contrary, at a particularly nice point, he actually clapped his hands +together twice. Of course he was arrested for breach of the peace, and +locked up over night. But the management declined, to prosecute when it +was represented to them that the man had lately seen McKEAN BUCHANAN at +the Peoria Academy of Music, and that he could not help testifying his +gratification that LESTER WALLACK behaved so differently, and he was +discharged. He went back to Peoria, and told his neighbors that there +was a place in New York where they got up a yawning match (this coarse +person called it a "gaping bee") every night between the stage and the +audience, and the stage always won.</p> + <p>Now we know, that is those of us who are in good society, that +what this uncouth rustic mistook for indifference is the air of +society. TALLEYRAND said, or somebody said he said, that the use of +language was to conceal thought. Go to WALLACK'S and you will see that +the art of acting is to suppress emotions. Everything is below +concert-pitch, except perhaps the orchestra, which insists upon playing +lively and popular music, instead of doing the Dead March in Saul for a +funeral procession while the audience files out dreamily to drink, and +empties some dull opiate to the drains. The entire audience are making +heroic efforts all through the play to prevent each other from seeing +that they know they are listening to the most finished acting to be +seen anywhere, and looking at the prettiest stage pictures ever set. +All the actors are all the while trying to conceal the fact that they +are doing any good acting. The whole theatre is in a condition of sweet +repose, like the placid bosom of a mill-pond on a summer afternoon, +when STODDART shoots the Dam.</p> + <p>Well, when you have society theatres, where they do this sort +of thing, you must have society plays. The recipe for these is +different from the gallon of gore and the ton of thunder which make up +the other sort. You must have your actors representing people who are +always bored to death, if you wish to maintain the respect and +patronage of a society audience, whose ambition is to seem to be always +bored to death in real life. You must have what the sweet but-not +exemplary SWINBURNE calls "the lilies and languors of virtue" at +WALLACK'S, to balance "the raptures and roses of vice" which you get at +the sensational shops. People may fall in love, in a mild way, as they +do in society, but they must not undergo the ravages of that passion, +as it is exhibited out of society. They are, so to speak, vaccinated +for love, and they are safe from the virulent confluent or even the +varioloid type of the original malady. They may also transact business, +of a high-toned sort, and sometimes they get out of temper. But their +main employment is to wander about and yawn, or to sit down and sneer.</p> + <p>There is a laborious lunatic who makes ice at the fair of the +American Institute, with the thermometer at 80° or so in the shade. +(Note to Editor.—I don't know the man from ADAM, and have received no +consideration from him whatever for this allusion,) I believe his ice +costs this ingenious individual about four dollars per pound to +make—but no matter. Well, this is exactly the trick by which you make +society plays. ROBERTSON does it to perfection. He is the patent +refrigerator. And the man who did "The Two Roses" has plagiarized his +process and reproduced his results. I don't know whether the idea is to +interest people in what is uninteresting, or to uninterest people in +what is interesting. But he does both.</p> + <p>Perhaps, however, some absurd person would like to know +something about this play. There is a commercial traveller in it, who +is taken, by-the-by, bodily and even to his checked trousers, out of +one of ROBERTSON'S plays. The only addition that has been made is that +this one swears. But then STODDART personates him. This commercial +traveller has a wife. To whom, by-the-by, did it ever occur, before the +author of this play, that commercial travellers could have wives? The +wife of this itinerant commercial person is a stationary commercial +person, who keeps a boarding-house which the youths, the heroes of the +play, have the misery to inhabit. All this is undeniably low for +WALLACK'S, and the sales-ladies in the audience express their sense of +that fact by intimating that EFFIE GERMON'S jewels are not real, and +the sales-gentlemen by confiding to one another at the bar, whither +they wend after the second act to quaff the maddening sarsaparilla, +that WALLACK'S is running down.</p> + <p>As I have abused several revered institutions in these few +lines. I will, in terror of public opinion and private wrath, execute a +small variation on my usual and familiar autograph, and sign myself</p> + <p>PICADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>VORACIOUS VEGETATION.</b></p> + <p>It appears that our ever-active Park Commissioners are making +vigorous efforts to establish a Zoological Garden in Central Park. It +has been generally supposed that gardens were either horticultural or +agricultural; but if the Commissioners can get up anything of the kind +which shall be zoological, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has not the least objection +in the world. He supposes that in such a garden the principal plants +will be Tiger-lilies, Cock's-combs, Larkspurs, Ragged Robins, +Coltsfoots, Horse-chestnuts, Goose-berries, Dandelions, Foxgloves, and +Dog-wood. If full crops are desired, a good many pigeons and chickens +should be kept on the grounds, and that portion of the gardens devoted +to leg-uminous products will probably be occupied by storks and +giraffes.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Q.</b></p> + <p>Is it likely that a set of Chinese gardeners would be able to +mind, at the same time, both their Peas and their Queues?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/80.jpg"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">"ENGLISH GRAMMAR INCLUDED."</p> + <p><i>1st Young Gentleman</i>. "I TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S AWFUL HARD +TO GET ANYTHING TO DO, JUST NOW."</p> + <p><i>2d ditto</i>. "THAT'S SO. I SEEN AN ADVERTISEMENT YESTERDAY +FOR A TUTOR IN A FAMILY, AND I'VE JUST BIN AND WROTE AN ANSWER."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE QUEUE-RIOUS FUTURE.</b></p> + <p>Of all the queues which any man or any nation ever gave to +another, the Chinese have supplied us with the most queue-rious. The +arrived man from that celestial part of the world, who is now so +industriously engaged washing for us in New Jersey, and again, making +our shoes in Massachusetts, and who proposes to be our dairymaid, our +chambermaid, our barmaid, and, if BARNUM will go into the humbug +business again, our mermaid, brought the queue on the back of his head +when he crossed the Pacific Ocean, and landed on the coast of +California. Thence he conveyed it across the Plains, and now our +mothers are going back to <i>two</i> queues such as those they wore +when the roses which bloomed upon their cheeks were not produced by +rouge, and to comprehend the lessons in the school-books which they +carried was the severest trial which they knew, except, indeed, the +restrained desire to get married. And our fathers will wear one tail, +as did their ancestors, who curled those appendages gracefully around +the limbs of the trees while they played base-ball with cocoanuts, or +visited in that nimble manner in which none other than monkeys are +capable of moving about. Our great American agriculturist, too, who has +ploughed so deeply in the <i>Tribune</i> office, is going to look like +a Chinese; and she, who has given us our Caudle lectures now for many +years past, will exhibit ANNA DICKINSON as a convert to two tails. +Next, he who serves up for us our religion every once a week in the +form of sanctimonious speeches on the subject of political economy, +will let his congregation go behind Plymouth Pulpit for the purpose of +getting their queues for the next Sunday love-feast by observing his. +The "long" and the "short" of the new vanity, however, will be found in +fullest perfection among the bully-bears in Wall street, who, of all +other honest men, are best able to teach the rising generation the +significance of "heads I win, tails you lose." Then, again, in the far +future perhaps some industrious antiquary will exhume an awful tail of +the present generation that was invented by Mrs. H.B. STOWE, when she +looked across the Atlantic Ocean, and interviewed the ghost of BYRON. +The future is going to be glorious and queue-rious for all who wish to +up-braid, and when our fathers pass us, and we see their heads, we will +be convinced that thereby hangs a tail; also, when our mothers' heads +go by, that thereby hang two tails.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN ODE-IOUS SUGGESTION.</b></p> + <p>Swinburne has written an ode to the French Republic. This +lofty rhyme is built up of strophes, anti-strophes, and an epode. In +its construction, and grandiloquence are thrown about with the careless +disregard for innocent passers-by which characterizes that poet's +freedom of style. Most probably no sane English-speaking person has +read it through and preserved his sanity. The poet's idea in writing it +was to get the French engaged in trying to understand it, and the +Germans to engage in translating it, and thus stop the war by pure +exhaustion of the combatants. The idea was good, but hardly practical.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SOCIAL SCIENCE BY TELEGRAPH.</b></p> + <p>The right of an independent Briton to beat his wife without +being liable to impertinent foreign interference is well known to be +one of the most precious privileges inherited from Magna Charta. The +national use of this privilege is now generally considered, by social +philosophers, to be the foundation of the love of "fair play," so +universally characteristic of the English. It is only upon this ground +that we can account for the following item recently telegraphed from +London as a <i>special to the N. Y. Times</i>.</p> + <p>"It is curious to see that, while the married men of the city +are against interference, all military and naval men are loud in +expressions of indignation because no effort is made by England to save +France from ruin."</p> + <p>As we see it, this is not curious at all. To the comprehensive +English mind, the war in Europe is a mere family quarrel, on a large +scale. But what is really curious the special does not tell us. What +position do the military and naval men take who happen to be married?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A GROWL FROM A BRITON.</b></p> + <p>Mr. Punchinello:—One of the balloon reporters from Paris says:</p> + <p>"Great care is taken to save food from waste. There is much +horse-flesh eaten."</p> + <p>For a Frenchman in a state of siege horse-flesh is all +right—the French eat frogs, you know, and horses have frogs in their +feet. What I like about the thing in Paris, though, is that they <i>call</i> +it horse-flesh, and don't try to jerk it on a fellow for beef. Jerked +beef is bad enough, but only think of jerked horse, by Jove, you know!</p> + <p>Now I want to say that here in New York, not being in a state +of siege, we are eating a lot more horse-flesh than we know of, all the +same—but they call it beef.</p> + <p>Look here, now.</p> + <p>I take my grub, sometimes (only for the sake of seeing life, +you know), at a decent sort of a place enough, to which butchers +resort. There is a man always to be seen there at grub time, a +cockish-looking fellow, somewhat, with a horse-shoe pin in his scarf, +and he is as thick as thieves with the butchers. Yesterday, for the +first time, I got an inkling of who and what he is. I saw him +performing an operation upon a horse, in the yard of a livery stable. +He is a VETERINARY SURGEON! He consorts with BUTCHERS! Put that and +that together, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and see what you can make of it. And +the duffer always eats mutton, too, or fish. I never yet heard him call +for beef. He knows all about nag, and likes it alive, but he is not to +be nagged into eating it. Neigh! neigh!</p> + <p>Yours, irascibly,</p> + <p>YORKSHIRE-PUDDINGHEAD.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>DEAD BEATS.</b> Muffled drums.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A. T. STEWART & CO,</big></p> + <p>ARE OFFERING</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS</p> + <p>IN</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE,</span><br> +FULL REGULAR MAKES,<br> +From 35 cents per pair upward.</p> + <p>ALSO,<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">GENTLEMEN'S HALF HOSE,</span><br> +EXTRA QUALITY,<br> +25 cents per pair upward.</p> + <p>LARGE LINES OF<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ladies' and Gentlemen's</span></big><br> +Silk and Merino Underwear.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="3"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. 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The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Grand Exposition.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A. T. STEWART & CO.</big></p> + <p><small>HAVE OPENED</small></p> + <p>A Splendid Assortment of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PARIS MADE DRESSES,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>From Worth E Pingnet and +other Celebrated Makers</small></p> + <p><small>ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS,</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE,</span></p> + <p>Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not superior, to any in +this city.</p> + <p><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Millinery, Bonnets, +& Hats</span></big><br> +Eligantly Trimmed, from Virot'<br> +and other Modletes of the<br> +highest Parisian standing.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The Prices of the Above are +Extremely Attractive.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. 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"THEN DON'T—THAT'S A GOOD FELLOW!"</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span></small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">IS BY FAR THE +CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</span></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, +MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, NASHVILLE, MOBILE,</span> <b><br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point."<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> Sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp.</small></p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, +October 29, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 31 *** + +***** This file should be named 10091-h.htm or 10091-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/9/10091/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, October 29, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2003 [EBook #10091] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 31 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + |to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. 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BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer; | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXV. + +THE SKELETON IS MCLAUGHLIN'S CLOSET. + +Night, spotted with stars, like a black leopard, crouched once more upon +Bumsteadville, and her one eye to be seen in profile, the moon, glared +upon the helpless place with something of a cat's nocturnal stare of +glassy vision for a stupefied mouse. Midnight had come with its twelve +tinkling drops more of opiate, to deepen the stupor of all things almost +unto death, and still the light shone luridly through the +window-curtains of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, and still the lonely musician +sat stiffly at a dinner-table spread for three, whereof only a goblet, a +curious antique black bottle, a bowl of sugar, a saucer of lemon-slices, +a decanter of water, and a saucer of cloves appeared to have been used +by the solitary diner. + +Unconscious that, through the door ajar at his back, a pair of vigilant +human orbs were upon him, the ritualistic organist, who was in very low +spirits, drew an emaciated and rather unsteady hand repeatedly across +his perspiring brow, and talked in deep bass to himself. + +"He came in, af'r' bein' brisgly walked up'n-down the turnpike by +PENDRAGON, and slammed himself down-'n-that-chair," ran the soliloquy, +with a ghostly nod towards an opposite chair, drawn back from the table. +"'Inebrious boy!' says I, sternly, 'how-are-y'-now?' He said +'Poorawell;' 'n' wen' down on-er-floor fas'hleep! I w's +scan'l'ized.--Whowoonbe?--I took m' umbrella 'n' thrashed 'm with it, +remarking 'F'shame! waygup! mis'able boy! 's poorysight-f'r-'nuncle-t' +see-'s-nephew-'n-this-p'litical-c'ndit'n.'--H'slep on; 'n' 't last I +picked up him, 'n' umbrella, 'n' took 'm out t' some cool place +t'shleep't off. _Where'd'_ I take him? Thashwazmarrer--_where'd'_ I +leave'm?" + +Repeating this question to himself, with an almost frenzied intensity, +the gloomy victim of a treacherous memory threw an unearthly stare of +bloodshot questioning all over the room, and, after a swaying motion or +two of the upper half of his body, pitched forward, with his forehead +crashing upon the table. Instantly recovering himself, and starting to +rub his head, he as suddenly checked that palliative process by a wild +run to his feet and a hideous bellow. + +"_I r'memb'r, now!_" he ejaculated, walking excitedly at a series of +obtuse angles all over the apartment. + +"Got-'t-knockedinto-m'-head-'t-last. Pauper bur'l ground--J. +M'GLAUGHLIN. Down'n cellar--cool placefa' man's tight--lef' m' umbrella +there by m'stake--go'n' get't thishmin't--" + +Managing, after several inaccurate aims at the doorway, to plunge into +the adjacent bedroom, he presently reappeared from thence, veering +hard-aport, with a lighted lantern in his right hand. Then, circuitously +approaching the neglected dining-table, he grasped with his disengaged +digits at the antique black bottle, missed it, went all the way around +the board before he could stop himself, clutched and missed again, went +clear around once more, and finally effected the capture. "Th 'peared t' +be two," he muttered, placing the prize in one of his pockets; and, with +a triumphant stride, made for the half-open hall-door through which the +eyes had been watching him. + +The owner of those eyes, and of a surprising head of florid hair, had +barely time to draw back into the shadow of the corridor and notice an +approaching face like that of one walking in his sleep, when the +clove-eater swung disjointedly by him, with jingling lantern, and went +fiercely bumping down the stairway. Closely, without sound, followed the +watcher, and the two, like man and shadow, went out from the house into +the quarry of the moon-eyed black leopard. + +Fully bound now in the sinister spell of the spice of the Molucca +islands, Mr. BUMSTEAD had regained that condition of his duplex +existence to which belonged the disposition he had made of his lethargic +nephew and alpaca umbrella on that confused Christmas night; and with +such realization of a distinct duality came back to him at least a +partial recollection of where he had put the cherished two. Finding Mr. +E. DROOD rather overcome by the more festive features of the +meal,--notwithstanding his walk at midnight with Mr. PENDRAGON,--he had +allowed his avuncular displeasure thereat to betray itself in a +threshing administered with the umbrella. Observing that the young man +still slept beside the chair from which he fell, he had ultimately, and +with the umbrella still under his arm raised the dishevelled nephew +head-downward in his arms, and impatiently conveyed him from the heated +room and house to the coolest retreat he could think of. There +depositing him, and, in his hurry, the umbrella also, to sleep off, +under reviving atmospheric influences, the unseemly effect of the +evening's banquet, he had gone back on both sides of the road to his +boarding-house, and, with his boots upon the pillow, sunk into an +instantaneous sleep of unfathomable depth. Dreaming, towards morning, +that he was engaging a large boa-constrictor in single combat, and +struggling energetically to restrain the ferocious reptile from getting +into his boots, he had suddenly awakened, with a crash, upon the +floor--to miss his umbrella and nephew, to forget where he had put them, +and to fly to Gospeler's Gulch with incoherent charges of larceny and +manslaughter. All this he could now vaguely recall, his present +psychological condition, or trance-state, being the same as then; and +was going entrancedly back to the hiding-place where, with the best of +motives, he had forgetfully left the two objects dearest to him in life. + +On, then, proceeded the Ritualistic organist in the tawny light of the +black leopard's eye: his stealthy follower trailing closely after in the +shade of the roadside trees where the star-spotted leopard's black paws +were plunged deepest. On he went, in zig-zag profusion of steps and +occasional high skips over incidental shadows of branches which he for +snakes, until the Pauper Burial Ground was reached, and MCLAUGHLIN'S +hidden subterranean retreat therein attained. It was the same weird spot +to which he had been brought by Old MORTARITY on the wintry night of +their unholy exploring party; and, without appearing to be surprised +that the entrance to the excavation was open, he eagerly descended by +the rickety step-ladder, and held himself steady by the latter while +throwing the light of his lantern around the mouldy walls. + +His immediate hiccup, provoked by the dampness of the situation, was +answered by a groan, which, instead of being solid, was very hollow; +and, as he peered vivaciously forward behind his extended lantern, there +advanced from a far corner--O, woeful man! O, thrice unhappy uncle!--the +spectral figure of the missing EDWIN DROOD! + +After a moment's inspection of the apparition, which paused terribly +before him with hand hidden in breast, Mr. BUMSTEAD placed his lantern +upon a step of the ladder, drew and profoundly labiated his antique +black bottle, thoughtfully crunched a couple of cloves from another +pocket--staring stonily all the while--and then addressed the youthful +shade:-- + +"Where's th' umbrella?" + +"Monster of forgetfulness! murderer of memory!" spoke the spirit, +sternly. "In this, the last rough resting place of the impecunious dead, +do you dare to discuss commonplace topics with one of the departed? Look +at me, uncle, clove-befogged, and shrink appalled from the dread sight, +and pray for mercy." + +"Ishthis prop'r language t' address-t'-y'r-relative?" inquired Mr. +BUMSTEAD, in a severely reproachful manner. + +"Relative!" repeated the apparition, sepulchrally. "What sort of +relative is he, who, when his sister's orphaned son is sleeping at his +feet, conveys the unconscious orphan, head downward, through a midnight +tempest, to a place like this, and leaves him here, and then forgets +where he has put him?" + +"I give't up," said the organist, after a moment's consideration. + +"The answer is: he's a dead-beat." continued the young ghost, losing his +temper. "And what, JOHN BUMSTEAD, did you do with my oroide watch and +other jewels?" + +"Musht've spilt'm on the road here," returned the musing uncle, faintly +remembering that they had been found upon the turnpike, shortly after +Christmas, by Gospeler SIMPSON. "Are you dead, EDWIN?" + +"Did you not bury me here alive, and close the opening to my tomb, and +go away and charge everybody with my murder?" asked the spectre, +bitterly. "O, uncle, hard of head and paralyzed in recollection! is it +any good excuse for sacrificing my poor life, that, in your cloven +state, you put me down a cellar, like a pan of milk, and then could not +remember where you'd put me? And was it noble, then, to go to her whom +you supposed had been my chosen bride, and offer wedlock to her on your +own account?" + +"I was acting as y'r-executor, EDWIN," explained the uncle. "I did +ev'thing forth' besht." + +"And does the sight of me fill you with no terror, no remorse, unfeeling +man?" groaned the ghost. + +"Yeshir," answered Mr. BUMSTEAD, with sudden energy. "Yeshir. I'm +r'morseful on 'count of th' umbrella. Who-d'-y'-lend-'t-to?" + +It is an intellectual characteristic of the more advanced degrees of the +clove-trance, that, while the tranced individual can perceive objects, +even to occasional duplexity, and hear remarks more or less distinctly, +neither objects nor remarks are positively associated by him with any +perspicuous idea. Thus, while the Ritualistic organist had a blurred +perception of his nephew's conversational remains, and was dimly +conscious that the tone of the supernatural remarks addressed to himself +was not wholly congratulatory, he still presented a physical and moral +aspect of dense insensibility. + +Momentarily nonplussed by such unheard-of calmness under a ghostly +visitation, the apparition, without changing position, allowed itself to +roll one inquiring eye towards the opening above the step-ladder, where +the moonlight revealed an attentive head of red hair. Catching the +glance, the head allowed a hand belonging to it to appear at the opening +and motion downward. + +"Look there, then," said the intelligent ghost to its uncle, pointing to +the ground near its feet. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD, rousing from a brief doze, glanced indifferently towards +the spot indicated; but, in another instant, was on his knees beside the +undefined object he there beheld. A keen, breathless scrutiny, a +frenzied clutch with both hands, and then he was upon his feet again, +holding close to the lantern the thing he had found. + +The barred light shone on a musty skeleton, to which still clung a few +mouldy shreds left by the rats; and only the celebrated bone handle +identified it as what had once been the maddened finder's idolized +Alpaca Umbrella. + +"Aha!" twitted the apparition, "then you have some heart left, JOHN +BUMSTEAD?" + +"Heart!" moaned the distracted organist, fairly kissing the dear +remains, and restored to perfect speech and comprehension by the awful +shock. "I had one, but it is broken now!--Allie, my long-lost Allie!" he +continued, tenderly apostrophizing the skeleton, "do we meet thus at +last again?-- + + 'What thought is folded in thy leaves! + What tender thought, what speechless pain! + I hold thy faded lips to mine, + Thou darling of the April rain!' + +Where is thine old familiar alpaca dress, my Allie? Where is the canopy +that has so often sheltered thy poor master's head from the storm? Gone! +gone! and through my own forgetfulness!" + +"And have you no thought for your nephew?" asked the persevering +apparition, hoarsely. + +"Not under the present circumstances," retorted the mourner; he and the +ghost both coughing with the colds which they had taken from standing +still so long in such a damp place--"not under the present +circumstances," he repeated, wildly, making a fierce pass at the spectre +with the skeleton, and then dropping the latter to the ground in +nerveless despair. "To a single man, his umbrella is wife, mother, +sister, venerable maiden aunt from the country--all in one. In losing +mine, I've lost my whole family, and want to hear no more about +relatives. Good night, sir." + +"Here! hold on! Can't you leave the lantern for a moment?" cried the +ghost. But the heart-stricken Ritualist had swarmed up the ladder and +was gone. + +Then, going up too, the spectre appeared also unto two other men, who +crawled from behind pauper headstones at his summons; the face of the +one being that of J. MCLAUGHLIN, that of the other Mr. TRACY CLEWS. And +the spectre walked between these two, carrying Mr. BUMSTEAD'S skeleton +in its hand.[1] + + +[Footnote 1: The _cut_ accompanying the above chapter is from the +illustrated title-page of the English monthly numbers of "The Mystery of +Edwin Drood;"--in which it is the last of a series of border-vignettes; +--and plainly shows that it was the author's intention to bring back +his hero a living man before the conclusion of the story.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Bibo_.--Is there a champagne wine having the flavor of gun-flints? + +_Answer_.--The wine made at Pierry, in the Champagne country, is said by +connoisseurs to be so flavored. There is much alarm now among the +wine-growers, however, lest the next vintage may have a flavor of +percussion-caps instead, owing to the war and the modern weapons. + +_Plantagenet de Vere_.--Would you believe a person named JONES on his +oath? + +_Answer_.--We would not. + +_Smike_. We read of houses being "gutted" by the Prussian soldiers; have +houses entrails, then? + +_Answer_.--All occupied houses have livers, and most houses have lights. + +_M. T. Head_.--We cannot pay strangers in advance for contributions that +have not been sent in by them. + +_Icarus_.--What do the balloon scouts of Paris use for ballast? + +_Answer_.--Bundles of newspapers, chiefly. Immense bales of the unsold +copies of the New York _Free Press_ are now exported for the purpose. +They are preferred to any other papers because, when placed anywhere in +the balloon, they Lie so, and, having already fallen from grace, falling +from a balloon is nothing to them. + +_Taxidermist_.--What is the best material for stuffing ballot-boxes +with? + +_Answer_.--Greenbacks. + +_Leatherhead_.--Is it true that most of the prominent men of +England--"TOM BROWN" HUGHES, for instance--are proficient pugilists? + +_Answer_.--We have never seen "TOM BROWN" spar, but we have often seen +JOHN STUART Mill. + +_Abby Gansevoort_.--No, my dear, your name does not occur in any of +SHAKESPEARE'S plays. + +_Figdrum_.--Born to the drudgery of commerce, I aspire to literature: +what am I to do to see my name in print? + +_Answer_.--Put it in the City Directory. + +_Voice-in-the-Fog_.--Why is it that all the queer isms of the day, such +as socialism, are more cultivated by Red Republicans than by any other +political sect? + +_Answer_.--Red, as artists well know, is the complementary or opposite +color to green. The social phenomenon to which you refer, then, may be +accounted for on the principle that extremes meet. + +_Clericus_.--Is it proper for me, as a clergyman, to wear moustaches? + +_Answer_.--Quite so, unless they are red, in which case they might +interfere with your published sermons. + +_Astrolabe_.--What is the exact distance between the Dog Star and +Roxbury, Mass.? + +_Answer_.--We do not know. PUNCHINELLO is not a Sirius journal. + +_Juniper Byles_.--My rent has just been raised, and I have had a +curtain-lecture from my wife for swearing about it. Would not you swear +if your rent was raised? + +_Answer_.--Certainly not--at least not if it was raised by benevolent +subscription. + + * * * * * + +AN ACQUAINTANCE. + +_Tom_.--"I say, JACK, what a beautiful complexion Miss SMITH has. Do you +know her?" + +_Jack_.--"No, but I know a girl who buys her complexion at the same +store at which Miss SMITH buys hers." + + * * * * * + +"CUM GRANO SALIS."--Musk-melon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HORSE-CAR CONTINGENCY. + +Gallant Tar (To horrified lady of uncertain age), "BELAY THERE, OLD +WOMAN! TAKE THIS SEAT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +PARIS, FOURTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +Dear Punchinello: You may not have heard that BISMARCK has been here, +had an interview with FAVRE, and is off again. I didn't suppose you +would know it, so I hasten to give you and your army of readers a brief +synopsis of what took place, as nearly as I can in the exact language +used by the distinguished diplomats upon the occasion. + +The scene of the consultation was one of the Imperial wine-cellars under +that pavilion of the Tuileries palace which overlooks the Seine at the +southwestern extremity of the _Place du Carrousel_. The spot was +selected for two reasons: it was far removed from the noise and hubbub +of the city, and it furnished facilities for "liquoring up" in case of +necessity. I was there and left, as you will see, under circumstances +calculated to give me a lasting impression of the event. We all three of +us sat around a pine table, upon which faintly flickered a tallow candle +in a soda-water bottle, that shed around a sickly glare (that is to say, +the candle did). BISMARCK looked a little the worse for wear, I thought, +and, as he unbuttoned his vest with a grunt of relief, he struck me +likewise as being rather short in his wind. + +FAVRE was loose and frisky as a four weeks old kitten, and spoke with a +quick, decided tone that reminded me of HORACE GREELEY. He never once +swore, however, during the whole interview. Your readers will observe +that even if this momentous meeting was not marked by the usual +diplomatic usages, the language is strictly according to the usual +diplomatic idiom. It is important to note this fact, as everything +hinges on the "idiom." + +BISMARCK was the first to break silence: + +"The difficulties which embarrass the questions under discussion stand +first in the order of elimination." + +FAVRE assented, and BISMARCK continued: "We must remove the peritoneum +to get at the viscera of the issues (I was much struck with the force +and originality of this method of putting it), and evict those +impressions which are purely matters of national sensibility." + +I snuffed the candle and waited for FAVRE. + +FAVRE: "Your Excellency abounds in subtle diagnoses." + +BISMARCK: "It is not a question of noses." + +FAVRE: "Your Excellency mistakes me. I meant to say that, like the +'Heathen Chinee,' your ways are dark." + +I moved the light closer to the Count. FAVRE only smiled. + +BISMARCK: "Touching 'rectification,' then, Germany sticks to her +position." + +I regarded this as an insinuation that somebody was "stuck." + +FAVRE: "France adheres unalterably to her previous resolution. National +traditions, deeply interwoven with the fine fibre of individual natures, +forbid the relaxation of tissues logically irresistible." + +A smile of triumph flitted faintly o'er the features of the Frenchman. +He evidently thought he had made a "ten strike." I whispered +approvingly, "_Tres bien, Monsieur, tres bien!_" + +BISMARCK: "Does the German heart yearn for the Rhine? Does it yearn for +Strasbourg? Does it yearn for Metz? and if not, what does it yearn for?" + +He was looking straight at me when he said this, and so I answered +"Bier." + +A dark scowl flitted frantically over the features of the German, but he +went right on: "Are all the longings of all these years, dating from the +birth of CHARLEMAGNE and extending through GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS to +FREDERICK the Great and WILLIAM the First, by his father on his maternal +grandmother's side, who lies in the iron coffin of the _domkirche_ at +Potsdam, whence we derive the consolidated grandeur of HOHENZOLLERN +mingling its rich ancestral dyes with the dark woof of fate to dispel +the expanding dream of German aspiration?" + +I had not time to witness the effect upon FAVRE, but, gasping for +breath, I started from my seat and uttered these words, which I +remembered to have read in a German-English libretto of MARIE STUART: +"_Mein Gott, ich kenne eures Eifers reinen Trieb, Weiss, dass gediegne +Weissheit aus Euch redet!_" + +It did not matter to me that FAVRE lay swooning on the floor. That the +Count glared at me savagely and crunched his jaws with maniacal energy. +My knowledge of German was up. It had caught the fierce impulse, the +majestic sweep of his ponderous linguosity. I remembered another +sentence, and hurled it wildly at him: "_Bei Gott, Du wirst, ich hoff's, +noch viele Jahre auf ihrem Grabe wandeln, ohne dass du selber sie +hinabzustuerzen brauchtest!_" + +Again I looked at the Count. His jaw had ceased working, and the +expression of his eye had changed. His arm moved furtively beneath the +table. What could he be doing? Horrible moment of uncertainty. Still the +arm worked, as if tugging at something. I could stand it no longer. +Seizing the soda-water bottle, I stooped to cast the rays of the +sixpenny dip beneath the table. As I did so, a boot-heel flashed in the +air, the Count's arm descended with a terrific detonation, and I saw no +more. + +(Interval of twenty-four hours.) + +The result of the interview will be communicated to the American public +by a Tribune special, as soon as a carrier-pigeon can reach SMALLEY at +London. I am still suffering from a sensation of having been recently +hit, + +DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +ASPIRATION. + +Of all sorts of people in the world, the Cockney has the queerest +notions about vegetable nature. Show him the first letter of the +alphabet, for instance, and he pronounces it "hay." + + + * * * * * + +APPARENTLY ANOMALOUS. + +Should the Prussians ever succeed in entering Paris, it is hardly +possible that they can be well received by the citizens, whether they +find FAVRE there or not. + + * * * * * + +OUR PRIVATE GALLERIES. + +The Belmont Collection. + +This admirable gallery includes among its treasures many of the old +masters and-when open for exhibition--a bewildering collection of young +nurses. The latter are frequently inaccurate in anatomical details, but +in point of brilliancy of color they far outshine the best efforts of +RUBENS and TITIAN. The flesh tints produced by many of our Fifth Avenue +belles infinitely surpass the obsolete tints upon which the great +Venetians used to pride themselves. + +In Mr. BELMONT'S gallery there are so many original RAPHAELS and +MURILLOS, painted by the very best European artists of the present day, +that it would occupy far too much of our limited space were we to notice +them in detail. We will therefore pass them by, and simply call +attention to some of the more noteworthy pictures, executed by +contemporary painters, which hang side by side with the more smoky but +hardly less valuable works of antiquity. Prominent among these is a +modest little "Fruit and Flower" piece, by that promising young artist, +Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY. It deserves especial praise for its accurate +copying of nature, the varied beauty of its coloring, and the deep +longing of the heart--the hunger of the soul--which must have inspired +the fair artist. We give a faithful sketch of this charming picture, +though, of course, the glories of its rainbow hues cannot be represented +here. + +[Illustration: FRUIT AND FLOWER PIECE.] + +A beautiful work, and one evidently inspired by the sound of battle, is +the noble historical painting entitled "On Picket," by Mr. C.A. DANA, +Associate Artist National Academy of Velocipedestrianism. The artist has +produced a picture that must inspire us all with the absolute truth of +the story it so dramatically tells, while he has filled our hearts with +deep sympathy and lofty admiration for the lovely and heroic combatant +depicted on his canvas. Our army officers--Col. FISK for example--who +are ignorant of the sword exercise may derive a hint from this spirited +work, as to the importance of obtaining a thorough mastery of the fence. + +[Illustration] + +Claude's renowned landscape of the "Ruined Mill" is familiar to all who +are acquainted with it, and has been greatly admired by those who did +not feel impelled to condemn its many faults. But CLAUDE is now known to +have been no artist, but a mere pretender. There is reason to believe +that he had never read RUSKIN, and was hence necessarily ignorant of the +aim and method of landscape painting. Our young friend BROWN, the +_spirituel_ and fascinating assistant Rector of a fashionable uptown +church, has in this gallery a rendering of a similar subject. How +manifest is his superiority to CLAUDE! With what truth and fidelity to +nature; with what holy calm, and child-like faith, and lofty aspiration +has BROWN filled his glowing canvas! And withal, he does not lead us +back to the dead faith and traditions of the past, save to urge us +onward in the pathway of--in the pathway--in short, to urge us on more +or less. To those envious minds who affect to regard BROWN as a mere +amateur, an undertaker of more than he has the ability to execute, we +would deign but one reply, and that would be, "Look at his trees in the +picture called the 'Ruins of the Mill,' and then cower back into your +native insignificance." + +[Illustration: RUINS OF A MILL.] + +There are many other pictures which we would like to notice in this +article, but want of space will forbid us to do so this week. We have +merely room to mention, with warm approbation, the exceedingly dramatic +little _genre_ picture entitled "Shoo-fly," by the veteran Minstrel, Mr. +DANIEL BRYANT, whose recent translation of HOMER has given him so high a +rank among the best German scholars of the day. + +[Illustration: SHOE FLY!] + + * * * * * + +RULES AND MAXIMS. + +How they change! ESCULAPIUS now gives to us and our children, as +_medicine_, what he denounced to the last generation as "_pizen_." The +heresy of yesterday is the orthodoxy of to-day. + +Thus the philosophy of those who are _under_ the turf is refuted by +those who are _on_ the turf. It used to be said in regard to horses:-- + + "One white foot, buy him, + "Two white feet, try him, + "Three white feet, deny him, + "Four white feet and a white nose, + "Take off his shoes and give him to the crows." + +But the advent of DEXTER has changed the sinister rhyme to:-- + + One white foot, spy him, + Two white feet, try him, + Three white feet, buy him, + Four white feet and a white nose, + And a mile in 2-17 he goes. + + * * * * * + +RIGHT TO THE SPOT. + +Additional spots on the disk of the sun are reported. An ingenious +writer, who candidly states that he is not an astronomer, accounts for +them by suggesting that they are caused by stray shots from the Prussian +sharpshooters who tried to bring down GAMBETTA'S balloon. + + * * * * * + +A QUERY FOR STEEPLE-CHASERS. + +We hear a great deal about "featherweights" in connection with racing. +If there _are_ such things as feather weights, why on earth don't the +managers of Jerome Park races stuff the steeple-chase jockeys with them, +to prevent them from being injured by such accidents as happened there +on the opening day of the Autumn meeting? + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO VIII. + + JACK SPRAT could eat no fat, + His wife could eat no lean; + And so between them both, + They licked the platter clean. + +JACK SPRAT was a near neighbor to the Poet. He was a remarkably delicate +man, cadaverous and thin. A dyspeptic, always ailing, he was a subject +of pity for his friends, and of wonder to his acquaintances. But behold +the eternal fitness of things. Providence blessed him with a wife, his +opposite in every respect. When extremes meet, a perfect whole is the +result; and in this case it was a perfect marriage, fit to be sung by +poets and embalmed in verse. + +When JACK SPRAT met SALLY STUBBS, at a husking party, she took his eye, +and kept it. She filled his heart completely. A rosy-cheeked, buxom +lass, healthy and hearty, dimples and dumplings combined, she captivated +and carried, by sheer force of weight, the delicate soul of poor JACK. + +It was a case of latitude against longitude; strength against weakness, +smiles against tears, laughter against groans. And so the poor fellow, +feeling an unacknowledged desire to find some one able to support and +protect him, yielded to the advice of his friends and his own +inclinations, and laid his attenuated hand, with his poor little heart +in it, at the fat feet of fair SALLY STUBBS. + +He was smiled upon, broad-grinned upon, and accepted; and thereby +rendered for the nonce the happiest of men. Tradition has it that the +next day he actually ate a hearty dinner, and did not complain of his +digestion immediately after. But this is considered doubtful by many. + +Fair SALLY, overflowing with the milk of human kindness, and yearning in +her soul to bestow her attentions and corporosity upon JACK'S +attenuosity, urged matters onward, and the wedding day was fixed, the +ring bought, and delicate Mr. SPRAT was led to the altar like a sheep to +the slaughter. + +Tremblingly he advanced up the aisle of the village church, leading his +blushing and waddling bride, and took his place, looking like an +exclamation point alongside a parenthesis, before the black-robed +Priest, who speedily put an end to Miss STUBBS, and presented JACK with +a female SPRAT. + +Mrs. SPRAT blushed like a full-blown peony as JACK manfully and +courageously saluted her upon one rosy cheek, in the presence of the +assembled guests, and then, to cover her confusion, she giggled and +shook hands energetically with the company, telling JACK to "hold up his +head and do the same, for it was _com eel fut_, and he must try to be +fashionable at his own wedding." + +The Bride carried off the honors manfully, and after the first few +moments recovered from her embarrassment, and appeared as much at ease +as if getting married was an every-day affair, not worth minding. JACK +couldn't get over it so readily, and his teeth chattered till late in +the night. But they stopped after a while; so I am told. + +We pass over the first few days devoted to honey-mooning, and look in +upon them as they sit at dinner. He with his greyhound and she with her +cat, both animals attentively watching each morsel that disappears from +their longing gaze into the capacious mouth of master or mistress. +Notice with what dexterity and generosity Mr. SPRAT selects the fattest +parts and skilfully conveys them to Madam's plate, reserving the lean +for himself; occasionally throwing a bone to his dog, while the lady now +and then bestows a fat bit upon Puss, who slowly licks her lips and +winks for more. It is a cozy scene of quiet domestic bliss, and so +continues till the platter is empty; when, both feeling satisfied for +the time, they lean back in their respective chairs, and gaze +complacently upon their pets, each other, and the empty dishes. + +Their wonderful congeniality and quiet happiness became the subject of +wonder to their friends, and of comment and speculation to the village +gossips. Her oleaginous and feather-bed-like disposition compelled peace, +as oil upon the waves, and shed trouble as a duck sheds water. JACK and +his complainings never troubled her; she merely laughed when he groaned, +and offered to rub his back. But he, fearing the ponderosity of her +hand, rarely submitted; his spinal column being delicate, he dared not +risk it. + +Village gossips tell many little incidents connected with the married +life of the twain, which would be invidious to mention here. Suffice it +to say that they were considered fit subjects for the ever-ready pen of +the Poet to seize upon and perpetuate in never-dying verse, for the +benefit of posterity. That the Poet was right in his surmises, we have +only to look around and ascertain how many learned people of all grades +have treasured up in their memory, from infancy, the history of JACK +SPRAT and his wife. + + * * * * * + +AN OBVIOUS ILLUSTRATION + +Scene. A Lunch Counter. + + +_Customer._ "Waiter, do you call this a milk toast?--why, there's no +milk to be seen." + +_Waiter._ "Milk all gone into the toast, sir." + +_Customer._ "But there's no toast to speak of." + +_Waiter._ "Toast all gone into the milk, sir." + +_Customer._ "Ah, ha!--there's an idea in that, by Jove. I'll go straight +home and write a pamphlet upon the new theory of mutual absorption." + +_Waiter._ "Yes, sir. Don't forget to mention the Kilkenny Cats, sir!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENCOURAGING HOME MANUFACTURES. + +_Young Patriot._ "GIMME THREE CENTS WORTH O' CHESTNUTS." + +_Female Broker._ "D' YER WANT EYETALIAN ONES?" + +_Y. P._ "NO, DARN YER--GIMME AMERICAN ONES."] + + * * * * * + +COUNT BISMARCK'S ACCOUNT. + +BISMARCK'S insolence is really becoming dangerous. He can deny and +contradict the statements made by other Counts, Ambassadors, Kings, or +by himself, without its becoming a matter of sufficient importance to +interest us. Such giving and taking the lie is a part of the business of +persons of this kidney. But he has actually had the audacity to deny the +truthfulness of the report by RUSSELL to the _Times_ of a conversation +held between them. If this thing is not checked in the bud, he will next +be denying--his conversation! with the _Tribune_ "special," as reported +by that ubiquitous observer. What will there be for the world to +believe, if it loses faith in the truthfulness of the papers? + + * * * * * + +A Con. for the Vatican. + +Why is VICTOR EMMANUEL like a tomahawk? Because he is now said to be "a +tool in the hands of the Reds." + + * * * * * + +THE "LOUDEST" OF SUNDAYS "SWELLS." The Swell of the Church organ. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PRIZE CALF "S. L. WOODFORD," FATTENED UP BY MESSRS. +GREELY AND CURTIS FOR THE SPECIAL PURPOSE OF BEING CUT UP ON TUESDAY, +NOVEMBER 8TH.] + + * * * * * + +"DOST KNOW ME?" + +Composed by our Special Dangerous Lunatic in one of his Lucid +Intervals. + + Dost know me? dost know me? was all the maiden said, + As she streamed her golden tresses through the half-unkneaden bread, + While the sunset light came sheening athwart the oaken floor, + And the Headsman chanted his roundelay at the soul-beshriven door. + + Dost know me? dost know me? rang o'er the heather wild, + While the dew-drop lifted its golden head, and the hoary bull-frog + smiled; + Yet every eye was dim with tears, as the shadow of Time replied, + And the echo from over the moorland drear, + In cloistered glory and voice of cheer, + Silently welcomed the Bride. + + "Dost know me? dost know me?" and a soul from out the gloom + Welcomed the rippling brooklet flowing past the tomb, + Gilding the steeples, near and far, with a dusk and dimsome spleen, + Tipping with crest of golden fire + Each mighty CAESAR'S funeral pyre + In its wealth of golden sheen. + + "Dost know me? dost know me?"--eftsoones the answer came + From the lips of the lady with blonden hair like a wreath of golden + flame, + As she lifted the light of her beauteous eyes to the questioning + lips of the knight, + And muttered those words of import dire, + And flashed her eyes with a baleful fire-- + Alas! did he hear aright? + + "I know thee! I know thee! for thou art the Khouli Khan, + And I am the Empress of Allahabad, or any other man, + Then turtle soup may lift its crest o'er the stars in the twilight dim, + Ere I, an Empress of regions fair, + With a halo of succulent blonden hair, + Elope with a Khouli grim." + + Ah me! 'twas sad, and a gruesome night, when the maiden fair said, "No!" + And gave response to the Knight's demand in accents sweetly low. + +THE END. + + Gems more clear than this, no doubt, have oftentimes been seen, + Yet methinks, at least, 'tis a poem clear + As poems which every week appear + In the _Waverley Magazine_. + + * * * * * + +"WELL SAID, OLD MOLE!" + +In a newspaper description of Mr. GREELEY, published some years since, +it was stated that he was born with a mole upon his left arm. This may +or may not be the case; but, judging from the persistence with which the +great agriculturist advocates sub-soil ploughing, there can be no doubt +whatever that he has mole on the brain. + + * * * * * + +BLOOD AND THUNDER! + +PUNCHINELLO learns, without the least surprise, that Mr. YOUNGBLOOD has +retired in disgust from the management of the New York _Free Press_. It +is further announced that the estimable publication referred to will +henceforth be under the charge of Mr. OLDBLOOD, a blood relative of all +the BADBLOODS belonging to the JOHN REAL Democracy. + + * * * * * + +"FALL" WEATHER. + +The subject of bringing down rain by the firing of artillery has again +been revived, owing to the long droughts that have lately prevailed. +What gives a color of feasibility to it, at present, is the fact that +the Reign of LOUIS NAPOLEON has lately been brought down by Prussian +guns. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SIGHT TOO BAD! + +_Struggling Cuba._ "YOU MUST BE AWFULLY NEAR-SIGHTED, MR. PRESIDENT, NOT +TO RECOGNIZE ME." + +_U. S. G._ "NO: I AM FAR-SIGHTED; FOR I CAN RECOGNIZE FRANCE."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN'S POLITICAL SENTIMENTS. + +His Reason for Leaving his Party.--A Catechism for Candidates. + +I hain't gilty of any stated polertix, as Ime aware of. + +For an old man, Ime helthy and sound as a nut on all public questions. I +use to be an old line Whig, and was a pooty active thimble-rigger as +long as it paid. But when that party refoosed to renominate me for the +offis of Gustese of the Peece, like a thurar bred polertician, I shook +'em. Said I, standin' ontop a sugar hogshead, at a primary meetin, which +was bein held in SIMMINSES grocery store:-- + +Feller sitizens of the Whig party, Refoose to renominate good men for +offisses, and you can pack your duds and git your carpet bags checkt for +the next steamer goin up Salt River. + +Leave my name off'n your ticket for another term of offis, and there +won't be enuff left in your old politikle carciss to grease a flap-jack +griddle with. In the words of Mister--Mister--Somebody, "A word to the +wise is--is--enuff to make a--hoss laff." + +And here I say it, Mister PUNCHINELLO, I wasent nominated. + +Dident I smash things? Gess not! I norgarated a bolt which spread like +pourin keroseen ile over a marble floor, and the next fall, SCOTT & +GRAHAM was nockt hire'n the Himmely mountins, while the old Whig party +shoveled off its mortil quarrel. + +Thus, as HORRIS GREELY, in his remarks on politikle Economy, says: +"Vengents, like a 2 tined pitchfork in the hands of Old Nick, will bust +up any party which goes back onto its trusted leaders. 'Vengents is +mine,' says the disappinted offis seeker, and on Election day he peddles +split tickets ontil the poles close." + +Standin as I do on nootral ground, I wish like JOHN BULL I could make my +nootrality pay as well as J. B. does, by sellin stores to the Prooshians +and the French. + +In castin my suferage this fall, I shall go Principals not men. A +_principal_ which is good for its little 7 per cent. _intrest_ payable +semi-annually, is what ales me. + + High-toned (?) principals, and not men, + Is what's the matter in this ere breast, + The Lait Gustise his influence will lend + To him whose _principal_ pays the best. + (Campane poickry.) + +I have prepared a serious of questions, which I propose to ask +candydates who come sneakin around for my sufferage. + +_Skedyule of Interogertories._ + +What's your _principals,_ and is the interest payable in gold or +greenbax? + +If elected to offis, will you squander all your salary and retire poorer +than a church mouse? or will you give _such strict attention to your +dooties_ as will enable you to salt down $100,000.00 per yeer from the +enormous salary of $1500.00 ($ fifteen hundred)? + +Do you think, takin an _iron_ clad oath has got anything to do with a +sertin commandment which says, "Thou shalt not _steel_"? + +Are you a beleiver in E. CADY STANTON'S revoolushinary idees, that woman +is the "coming man," and if so, how do you like it as fur as yoo've got? + +Do you think THEODORE TILTON, ED STUDWELL, STEVE GRISWOLD, FRED DUGLIS, +and SOOSAN B. ANTHONY would make as good Presidents of the U.S. as a +man would? + +Is your wife one of them strong-minded critters, who believes that +husbands had orter stay home and nuss the baby while she goes out and +plays baseball? + +Will you fall onto a voter's sholders, who eats garlix and onions, and +shed tears as freely the day arter eleckshun as you will the nite +before? + +Could you sing the "Battle-cry of freedom" so luvly, if it wasent for +Unkle Sam's _Notes_? + +Would you have any objections, if our National and Common Counsels, like +that of Rome, should organize _Economikle_ Counsels? + +In the war on tother side of the pond, is your sympathies for Lager or +Pea soup? + +If you want the German vote, don't you think it would be your politikle +_bier_ to get at _lager_-heads with the Prushians? + +Did you ever think before, that yourself and family, way back 15 or 20 +generations in the grave, were such a lot of low-lived villyians as the +opposition papers say you be? and haint it a mistery to you that you are +allowed to go unhung? + +Did you commit the NATHAN murder? if so, why dident you call off your +_"dorg"?_ + +Do you know as much about farmin as HORRIS GREELY does? if so, who told +you? + +Are you a Fenian, Know-nothin, Mason, Anti-mason, Labor Reformer, +Anti-labor Reformer, a Chineese cooler, Anti-Chineese cooler, and the +"wickedest man in N.Y."? Are you in favor of free trade, high tariff, +free whiskey, whiskey tax, JIM FISK, MARETZEK, Tammany, the Young +Democracy, Grand Army of the Republicans, GEO. F. TRAIN, MRS. +CUNNINGHAM, and the D--l? + +In fact, like JOSEFF, have you got a cote of many cullers? + +Any candydate who can give affirmative ansers to the foregoin Catekism, +and is willin to show his _principals_ by bleedin freely, can get my +vote, sure popp. + +Ewers trooly, & I haint afrade To jine the bread & butter brigade. + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peese._ + + * * * * * + +LAST WORDS OF EMINENT MEN. + +Selected by Sarsfield Young. + +I die a true American. .............................. WM. POOLE. + +Bury me where I fall. ... BILLY BOWLEGS, and other military heroes. + +The die is _Caste_. .............................. T. W. ROBERTSON. + +Bury me where the woodbine twineth. ......... Col. JAMES FISK, Jr. + +Fools, 'od rot 'em! .............................. HIGGINBOTTOM. + +Bury me in the Fall. .............. The Poet who "would not die in +Spring-time." + +Don't give up the ship! [the Secretary-ship.] ..... CHAS. SUMNER to Sec. +STANTON. + +Bury me where I fall back. ...... Gen. O'NEILL, of the Fenian Army. + +Give me liberty, or give me death, with a decided preference for +ANASTASIA. ..................................... Poor PILLICODDY. + +Bury me in the Falls ................................ SAM PATCH. + +If any one dare haul down the American flag--wait till you see the white +of his eyes, then--shoot him on the spot. C.L. VALLANDIGHAM. + +Let BROWN (or some other first-class sexton) bury me where I fall. Capt. +KIDD. + +As I cannot lay my sword at the feet of my army, I die at the head of +your Majesty. .............................. LOUIS NAPOLEON. + + * * * * * + +A FREE TRADER. + + Now gentlemen, of every kind, + Just step into my shop, + And, as I'm hard to pacify, + You'd better bring a sop; + I'll dress you up in any style + For which you choose to call, + But then, you must bring ready cash, + Because I shines for all. + + I'm always ready for a trade, + No matter what its kind; + I'll dress you up so very neat, + If your bid suits my mind. + If, when I ask the custom house, + He says, "Give it I sha'n't," + DAVIS and FISH I strike, because + I does not shine for GRANT. + + Sometimes I send a little bill + For goods they have not had, + And if they do not pay at once + Then I gets awful mad. + Of public pap I'm very fond, + I'd like to get it all, + But, if they block my little game, + I does not shine for HALL. + + I've lampooned every decent man, + Who with me would not trade; + I keep a little book account + Of those who have not paid: + So, if you don't enjoy free trade, + Don't listen to my call; + I'll give you good names for good pay, + Because I shines for all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: When you go to the theater, it is pleasant to have the +little boy of a rustic couple persist in feeding you with gingerbread +and orange-peel, and, if you request the little wretch to keep still, to +be told by his parents that you are "putting on airs."] + + * * * * * + +THE MEDICAL CONFIDENCE GAME. + +Mr. Punchinello has lately received a medical publication, in which +there are some editorial remarks concerning the relations between +physicians and their patients. The latter are exhorted to place all +confidence in their medical advisers, for, otherwise, there can be no +harmonious action between them. This is all very well, and Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks that if anything in this world should be the subject +of sacred confidences, it should be the revelations of the sick-room. +But, after reading the reports of the various cases which are detailed +in this publication, his faith in the advisability of confiding in one's +doctor was somewhat shaken. For instance, when he read that "Miss ANNA +P-----, aged 25, of blonde complexion and apparent good health, residing +near Jefferson avenue and Sixty-eighth street, had been subject for +years to convolutions of the cerebral hemispheres, and had been obliged +at various times to submit to partial amputations of horn-like +excrescences on the divisions of her manual extremities," Mr. +PUNCHINELLO was of opinion that this young lady, who could be easily +recognized from the hints (?) of her name and residence, might possibly +object to the announcement, to all her friends and acquaintances, that +she had cerebral hemispheres, and still more to the fact that they were +convoluted. But this dreadful truth is published, under the merest film +of concealment of her identity, to the whole world, and her physical +condition and subsequent surgical treatment may be town-talk for the +rest of her life. Where is the "sacred confidence" here? + +There are dozens of similar cases in the publication referred to, and +medical journals are, in general, full of them. + +Will it therefore be wondered at if we don't want all the world to know, +every time we call in a doctor, that we may have a "parenchyma of the +lung," or a "sub-conjunctival cellular tissue," that we will begin some +day to insist as much upon medical honor as medical ability? Mr. +PUNCHINELLO thinks not. + + * * * * * + +"FIAT LUX." + +We learn that our Third Assistant Postmaster-General has been indisposed +for some days, owing to his excessive labor in breaking envelope +contracts. Why does the Postmaster-General allow his subordinates thus +to overwork themselves? We wish he would shed a REAY of light on the +subject. + + * * * * * + +SCIENCE AND ENDURANCE. + +When people undertake any thing in the cause of Science, or indeed in +any other cause, they might as well do their best while they have a +chance. This is an axiom of social economy which is presented, gratis, +to the world. + +Now, the three scientific men who intend passing the winter on the top +of Mount Washington, might certainly find some other manner of spending +the cold months in the interests of science which would be much more +difficult and disagreeable. They expect to be snowed up at the Tip-top +House, from December until March, and will spend their time in a room +lined with felt, where they will burn twenty tons of coal during their +sojourn. + +Almost any one could do all this. If the scientific gentlemen in +question desire to undergo some really notable hardships there are +plenty of deep lakes in New York, at the bottom of which they might +spend the winter in a diving-bell. They would probably be frozen in +until March, and they would find it much more difficult to use their +instruments, and everything far more disagreeable, generally, than in a +large room in the Tip-top House. + +Still if they would prefer something still more arduous, let them ride day +and night, from December until March, in the Third Avenue cars of this +city. If they were to do this, and confine their scientific labors to +observations of the decidedly mean altitude of the Sun, they would +probably suffer more, in a given time, than any previous party of +learned men, and thus accomplish their object much better than by +deliberately allowing themselves to be snowed up on Mount Washington. + + * * * * * + +A SURPRISING PROPHECY. + +Years ago Mr. PUNCHINELLO had a very old grandfather, and he well +remembers that on the _inside_ of the lid of a certain horse-hair trunk, +the property of that estimable old man, was pasted a bit of poetical +prophecy, the words of which embedded themselves, like the hot letters +of a branding-iron, on the tender skin of Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S mind. The +following is the prophecy: + + "Add seventy-four and 62, + And forty and 900 too; + Then, if to this sum you place + Seven hundred and an ace, + You will surely find the year + When they ought to disappear-- + Both a Certain Holy 'un + And the last NAPOLEON. + And darkness will come wholly on + The Sun. Day, natheless, will glow + Down in the regions far below." + +Now this is certainly a very astounding prophecy. If the numbers +mentioned at the beginning of the oracular ditty be added together +without using the ace, they make the year 1776. Now the value of an ace +in Seven-up (and seven is the uppermost word in the line in which our +ace occurs) is four. So four, added to the former sum, makes the year +1780. But even the first NAPOLEON had not made his appearance in this +year, and so it would seem there must be a mistake somewhere. But such +is not the case. If, after the manner of the regular prophecy-makers, we +treat this sum according to the rule of probabilities, we shall see +that, if "seventeen-eighty" will not work prophecy, we must reverse the +year and call it "eighteen-seventy." This hits the mark exactly, and +makes us tremble at the prophetic power of some of those old delvers in +the mines of dark prediction. + +For now we see plainly that not only the Pope and the ex-Emperor of +France will probably disappear this year from the scenes of their glory, +but that the Sun, over which a certain dirty mistiness has been stealing +for some time past, will be entirely shrouded in the blackness of ruin. +The lines + + "----Day, natheless, will glow + Down in the regions far below," + +doubtless refer to DANA the less, who, when his sheet is utterly +overwhelmed in its self-made oblivion, will deserve, and probably +obtain, all the brightness and warmth to which the verse refers. + +Placing this astounding prediction by the side of the amazing events of +the present year, it is impossible for Mr. PUNCHINELLO to repress his +feelings of wonder and awe! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +There is an old conundrum song that begins--"Why do summer roses fade?" +The late ARTEMUS WARD thought they did it as a matter of business. Why +do the "Two Roses" bloom? That is WALLACK'S business. Also just now it +happens to be mine. + +The modern English comedy is divided into two kinds. Everybody will +consider this statement a conundrum, and answer,--"Bad and good." +Wrong, my little dears. All your lexicographers agree that "kind" means +a "race," which is absurd, because a horse-race, for instance, is +anything but kind. But they explain by saying that it means a genus. +Good plays are not a genus. They are freaks of nature, like the woolly +horse and the sacred cow; only, when they are produced, so many people +will not pay money to see them as to see the w.h. and the s.c. + +The division of modern plays, as JONATHAN EDWARDS said wittily, in his +sparkling treatise on "The Will," is into the tame and the wild. For the +latter the recipe is simple. Take some black false beads, hatchets, +pistols, a "dog"--not a quadruped, but the article which was left in Mr. +NATHAN'S hall--a woman in black hair and a white garment, suggestive of +repose, strolling at midnight by the banks of the prattling East River, +foot of Grand Street, and set a house afire at the end of the third act. +That is the BOUCICAULT style, and as the flippant EDWARDS goes on to +observe, it draws like a factory chimney in the Bowery and at NIBLO's. + +But this sort of thing will not do at all at WALLACK'S. Of course not. +STODDART is permitted to swear there, to be sure; but I understand that +he does it for fear people should call WALLACK'S the hall of the Old +Men's Christian Association. With that exception there is, as somebody +said about something, absolutely nothing to offend the most fastidious. +Any person who exhibits excitement upon the stage is discharged at the +end of the week with a pension. Miss MOORE is permitted to weep, but she +does it so quietly and nicely that it does not disturb anybody. And the +ushers have received strict orders to eject anybody in the audience who +manifests any marked interest in the performance. A friend of mine from +Peoria once went to WALLACK'S, and took no pains whatever to conceal his +admiration of the acting. On the contrary, at a particularly nice point, +he actually clapped his hands together twice. Of course he was arrested +for breach of the peace, and locked up over night. But the management +declined, to prosecute when it was represented to them that the man had +lately seen McKEAN BUCHANAN at the Peoria Academy of Music, and that he +could not help testifying his gratification that LESTER WALLACK behaved +so differently, and he was discharged. He went back to Peoria, and told +his neighbors that there was a place in New York where they got up a +yawning match (this coarse person called it a "gaping bee") every night +between the stage and the audience, and the stage always won. + +Now we know, that is those of us who are in good society, that what this +uncouth rustic mistook for indifference is the air of society. +TALLEYRAND said, or somebody said he said, that the use of language was +to conceal thought. Go to WALLACK'S and you will see that the art of +acting is to suppress emotions. Everything is below concert-pitch, +except perhaps the orchestra, which insists upon playing lively and +popular music, instead of doing the Dead March in Saul for a funeral +procession while the audience files out dreamily to drink, and empties +some dull opiate to the drains. The entire audience are making heroic +efforts all through the play to prevent each other from seeing that they +know they are listening to the most finished acting to be seen anywhere, +and looking at the prettiest stage pictures ever set. All the actors are +all the while trying to conceal the fact that they are doing any good +acting. The whole theatre is in a condition of sweet repose, like the +placid bosom of a mill-pond on a summer afternoon, when STODDART shoots +the Dam. + +Well, when you have society theatres, where they do this sort of thing, +you must have society plays. The recipe for these is different from the +gallon of gore and the ton of thunder which make up the other sort. You +must have your actors representing people who are always bored to death, +if you wish to maintain the respect and patronage of a society audience, +whose ambition is to seem to be always bored to death in real life. You +must have what the sweet but-not exemplary SWINBURNE calls "the lilies +and languors of virtue" at WALLACK'S, to balance "the raptures and roses +of vice" which you get at the sensational shops. People may fall in +love, in a mild way, as they do in society, but they must not undergo +the ravages of that passion, as it is exhibited out of society. They +are, so to speak, vaccinated for love, and they are safe from the +virulent confluent or even the varioloid type of the original malady. +They may also transact business, of a high-toned sort, and sometimes +they get out of temper. But their main employment is to wander about and +yawn, or to sit down and sneer. + +There is a laborious lunatic who makes ice at the fair of the American +Institute, with the thermometer at 80 deg. or so in the shade. (Note to +Editor.--I don't know the man from ADAM, and have received no +consideration from him whatever for this allusion,) I believe his ice +costs this ingenious individual about four dollars per pound to +make--but no matter. Well, this is exactly the trick by which you make +society plays. ROBERTSON does it to perfection. He is the patent +refrigerator. And the man who did "The Two Roses" has plagiarized his +process and reproduced his results. I don't know whether the idea is to +interest people in what is uninteresting, or to uninterest people in +what is interesting. But he does both. + +Perhaps, however, some absurd person would like to know something about +this play. There is a commercial traveller in it, who is taken, +by-the-by, bodily and even to his checked trousers, out of one of +ROBERTSON'S plays. The only addition that has been made is that this one +swears. But then STODDART personates him. This commercial traveller has +a wife. To whom, by-the-by, did it ever occur, before the author of this +play, that commercial travellers could have wives? The wife of this +itinerant commercial person is a stationary commercial person, who keeps +a boarding-house which the youths, the heroes of the play, have the +misery to inhabit. All this is undeniably low for WALLACK'S, and the +sales-ladies in the audience express their sense of that fact by +intimating that EFFIE GERMON'S jewels are not real, and the +sales-gentlemen by confiding to one another at the bar, whither they +wend after the second act to quaff the maddening sarsaparilla, that +WALLACK'S is running down. + +As I have abused several revered institutions in these few lines. I +will, in terror of public opinion and private wrath, execute a small +variation on my usual and familiar autograph, and sign myself + +PICADOR. + + * * * * * + +VORACIOUS VEGETATION. + +It appears that our ever-active Park Commissioners are making vigorous +efforts to establish a Zoological Garden in Central Park. It has been +generally supposed that gardens were either horticultural or +agricultural; but if the Commissioners can get up anything of the kind +which shall be zoological, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has not the least objection +in the world. He supposes that in such a garden the principal plants +will be Tiger-lilies, Cock's-combs, Larkspurs, Ragged Robins, +Coltsfoots, Horse-chestnuts, Goose-berries, Dandelions, Foxgloves, and +Dog-wood. If full crops are desired, a good many pigeons and chickens +should be kept on the grounds, and that portion of the gardens devoted +to leg-uminous products will probably be occupied by storks and +giraffes. + + * * * * * + +Q. + +Is it likely that a set of Chinese gardeners would be able to mind, at +the same time, both their Peas and their Queues? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ENGLISH GRAMMAR INCLUDED." + +_1st Young Gentleman_. "I TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S AWFUL HARD TO GET ANYTHING +TO DO, JUST NOW." + +_2d ditto_. "THAT'S SO. I SEEN AN ADVERTISEMENT YESTERDAY FOR A TUTOR IN +A FAMILY, AND I'VE JUST BIN AND WROTE AN ANSWER."] + + * * * * * + +THE QUEUE-RIOUS FUTURE. + +Of all the queues which any man or any nation ever gave to another, the +Chinese have supplied us with the most queue-rious. The arrived man from +that celestial part of the world, who is now so industriously engaged +washing for us in New Jersey, and again, making our shoes in +Massachusetts, and who proposes to be our dairymaid, our chambermaid, +our barmaid, and, if BARNUM will go into the humbug business again, our +mermaid, brought the queue on the back of his head when he crossed the +Pacific Ocean, and landed on the coast of California. Thence he conveyed +it across the Plains, and now our mothers are going back to _two_ queues +such as those they wore when the roses which bloomed upon their cheeks +were not produced by rouge, and to comprehend the lessons in the +school-books which they carried was the severest trial which they knew, +except, indeed, the restrained desire to get married. And our fathers +will wear one tail, as did their ancestors, who curled those appendages +gracefully around the limbs of the trees while they played base-ball +with cocoanuts, or visited in that nimble manner in which none other +than monkeys are capable of moving about. Our great American +agriculturist, too, who has ploughed so deeply in the _Tribune_ office, +is going to look like a Chinese; and she, who has given us our Caudle +lectures now for many years past, will exhibit ANNA DICKINSON as a +convert to two tails. Next, he who serves up for us our religion every +once a week in the form of sanctimonious speeches on the subject of +political economy, will let his congregation go behind Plymouth Pulpit +for the purpose of getting their queues for the next Sunday love-feast +by observing his. The "long" and the "short" of the new vanity, however, +will be found in fullest perfection among the bully-bears in Wall +street, who, of all other honest men, are best able to teach the rising +generation the significance of "heads I win, tails you lose." Then, +again, in the far future perhaps some industrious antiquary will exhume +an awful tail of the present generation that was invented by Mrs. H.B. +STOWE, when she looked across the Atlantic Ocean, and interviewed the +ghost of BYRON. The future is going to be glorious and queue-rious for +all who wish to up-braid, and when our fathers pass us, and we see their +heads, we will be convinced that thereby hangs a tail; also, when our +mothers' heads go by, that thereby hang two tails. + + * * * * * + +AN ODE-IOUS SUGGESTION. + +Swinburne has written an ode to the French Republic. This lofty rhyme is +built up of strophes, anti-strophes, and an epode. In its construction, +and grandiloquence are thrown about with the careless disregard for +innocent passers-by which characterizes that poet's freedom of style. +Most probably no sane English-speaking person has read it through and +preserved his sanity. The poet's idea in writing it was to get the +French engaged in trying to understand it, and the Germans to engage in +translating it, and thus stop the war by pure exhaustion of the +combatants. The idea was good, but hardly practical. + + * * * * * + +SOCIAL SCIENCE BY TELEGRAPH. + +The right of an independent Briton to beat his wife without being liable +to impertinent foreign interference is well known to be one of the most +precious privileges inherited from Magna Charta. The national use of +this privilege is now generally considered, by social philosophers, to +be the foundation of the love of "fair play," so universally +characteristic of the English. It is only upon this ground that we can +account for the following item recently telegraphed from London as a +_special to the N. Y. Times_. + +"It is curious to see that, while the married men of the city are +against interference, all military and naval men are loud in expressions +of indignation because no effort is made by England to save France from +ruin." + +As we see it, this is not curious at all. To the comprehensive English +mind, the war in Europe is a mere family quarrel, on a large scale. But +what is really curious the special does not tell us. What position do +the military and naval men take who happen to be married? + + * * * * * + +A GROWL FROM A BRITON. + +Mr. Punchinello:--One of the balloon reporters from Paris says: + +"Great care is taken to save food from waste. There is much horse-flesh +eaten." + +For a Frenchman in a state of siege horse-flesh is all right--the French +eat frogs, you know, and horses have frogs in their feet. What I like +about the thing in Paris, though, is that they _call_ it horse-flesh, +and don't try to jerk it on a fellow for beef. Jerked beef is bad +enough, but only think of jerked horse, by Jove, you know! + +Now I want to say that here in New York, not being in a state of siege, +we are eating a lot more horse-flesh than we know of, all the same--but +they call it beef. + +Look here, now. + +I take my grub, sometimes (only for the sake of seeing life, you know), +at a decent sort of a place enough, to which butchers resort. There is a +man always to be seen there at grub time, a cockish-looking fellow, +somewhat, with a horse-shoe pin in his scarf, and he is as thick as +thieves with the butchers. Yesterday, for the first time, I got an +inkling of who and what he is. I saw him performing an operation upon a +horse, in the yard of a livery stable. He is a VETERINARY SURGEON! He +consorts with BUTCHERS! Put that and that together, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and +see what you can make of it. And the duffer always eats mutton, too, or +fish. I never yet heard him call for beef. He knows all about nag, and +likes it alive, but he is not to be nagged into eating it. Neigh! neigh! + +Yours, irascibly, + +YORKSHIRE-PUDDINGHEAD. + + * * * * * + +DEAD BEATS. Muffled drums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO, | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | + | FULL REGULAR MAKES, | + | From 35 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | GENTLEMEN'S HALF HOSE, | + | EXTRA QUALITY, | + | 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | LARGE LINES OF | + | Ladies' and Gentlemen's | + | Silk and Merino Underwear. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Grand Exposition. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE OPENED | + | | + | A SPLENDID ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | PARIS MADE DRESSES, | + | | + | From Worth, E. Pingal and other Celebrated Makers. | + | | + | ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS, | + | OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE, | + | Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, If not | + | superior, to any in this city. | + | | + | Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats | + | Elegantly Trimmed, from Virot's and other | + | Modistes or the highest Parisian standing. | + | | + | The Prices of the Above are Extremely | + | Attractive. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | American Moquette | + | CARPETS, | + | | + | IN NEW AND ELEGANT DESIGNS, | + | Warranted equal in quality and coloring to the very best | + | French. | + | | + | Price only $3.50 per Yard. | + | | + | Crossley's Best Quality Tapestry Brussels, | + | $1.25 per Yard. | + | | + | Crossley's Velvets, Extra Quality, | + | $2.25 per Yard. | + | | + | Five-Frame English Body Brussels, | + | $1.75 per Yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | $2.50 and $3 per Yard. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | Paris Quality Moquettes, | + | AXMINSTERS BY THE YARD, | + | Aubusson & Axminster Carpets | + | IN ONE PIECE, | + | WITH SPLENDID MEDALLIONS AND BORDERS | + | TO MATCH. | + | | + | AND THEY ARE CONSTANTLY IN THE RECEIPT | + | OF | + | ALL THE NOVELTIES | + | IN THE ABOVE LINE, AS PRODUCED. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: "THE HARMONY OF THE EVENING." + +_Romantic Youth (with more assurance than voice)_. + "I CANNOT SING THAT OLD SONG." + +_Voice from next room_. + "THEN DON'T--THAT'S A GOOD FELLOW!"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | | + | AND | + | | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, 169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., | + | | + | New York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of | + | | + | PRINTING, | + | | + | Furnish all kinds of | + | | + | STATIONERY, | + | | + | Make all kinds of | + | | + | BLANK BOOKS, | + | | + | Execute the finest styles of | + | | + | LITHOGRAPHY | + | | + | Make the Best and Cheapest ENVELOPES Ever offered to the | + | Public. | + | | + | They have made all the prepaid Envelopes for the United | + | States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and | + | have INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is | + | the most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West Should bear in mind that the | + | | + | ERIE RAILWAY IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, with all | + | Lines | + | | + | By Rail or River | + | | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | It's DRAWINGS-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express | + | Trains, running through to Cincinnati without chance, are | + | the most elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this | + | country, being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and | + | having every modern improvement introduced for the comfort | + | of its patrons; running upon the BROAD GUAGE; revealing | + | scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and | + | rendering a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and | + | pleasures of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway, 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, 10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50 for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box, 2788, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., Issue 31, +October 29, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 31 *** + +***** This file should be named 10091.txt or 10091.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/9/10091/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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