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diff --git a/old/7p10810.txt b/old/7p10810.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5fee6ea --- /dev/null +++ b/old/7p10810.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2489 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, 1870, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9962] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on November 5, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 8 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. Nickinson | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalouges of any of our Publishing Houses | + | can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS DEALERS. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY, | + | | + | THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | SUPPLIED BY THE | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These pens are or a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | We recommend for bank and office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 8. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, MAY 21, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the | + | paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of | + | One Dollar, by "Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau | + | Street, New-York City._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | MAY 21, 1870. | + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room. No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Notice to Ladies. | + | | + | DIBBLE, | + | | + | Of 854 Broadway, | + | | + | Has just received a large assortment | + | of all the latest styles of | + | | + | Chignons, Chatelaines, etc., | + | | + | FROM PARIS, | + | | + | Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | + | La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, | + | La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc. | + | | + | At prices varying from $2 upward. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WILL BE READY ON MAY 10 | + | | + | Brigadier-General | + | | + | THOMAS FRANCIS MEAGHER: | + | | + | His Political and Military Career; | + | | + | WITH SELECTIONS FROM | + | HIS SPEECHES AND WRITINGS. | + | BY | + | Capt. W. F. LYONS. | + | | + | It will be printed on fine toned paper, from new type, | + | with an excellent Portrait. | + | | + | One vol., Cloth, extra beveled . . . . $2 00 | + | One vol., Cloth, extra richly gilt . . 2 50 | + | One vol., morocco extra, beveled . . . 5 00 | + | | + | Orders from the Trade and public solicited. | + | | + | D. & J. SADLIER & CO., | + | | + | 31 Barclay Street, N. Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE CELEBRATED | + | [Illustration: TRADE MARK PATENTED 1868] | + | | + | BRAND | + | | + | BLACK ALPACAS! | + | | + | This Brand of ALPACA, on account of its fineness of cloth, | + | and richness of color, has become the Standard Alpaca | + | now used in the United States. | + | | + | These Goods are greatly Improved for the Spring and | + | Summer wear, being of the richest and purest Shade of | + | fast Black, and made of the very finest material, | + | they are absolutely superior to any ALPACAS ever | + | sold in this country, and now are one of the most | + | fashionable and economical fabrics worn. | + | These beautiful Goods are sold by most of the | + | leading Retail Dry-Goods Merchants in all | + | the leading cities and towns throughout all | + | the States. | + | | + | Purchasers will know these Goods, as a | + | ticket is attached to each piece bearing a picture | + | of the Buffalo, precisely like the above. | + | | + | WM. I. PEAKE & CO., | + | | + | 46, 48 & 50 White St., New-York. | + | | + | _Sole Importers of this Brand for the United States._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET, | + | | + | New-York, | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | + | any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | + | calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of which will be issued under date of April | + | 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be _National,_ and not _local,_--and will | + | endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the | + | country; and to that end has secured a | + | | + | VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS | + | | + | in various sections of the Union, while its columns will | + | always open to appropriate first-class literary and artistic | + | talent. PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and | + | witty, without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It | + | will be printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, | + | size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable | + | newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when | + | they see it, or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. | + | Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed | + | Jim in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by | + | leading artists in their respective specialities. | + | | + | The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM | + | A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, | + | both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications can not be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance........................ $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, ten cents, | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for..................... 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for....7.00 | + | | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | New-York. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of all new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents | + | each delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | AT | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | AMERICAN | + | | + | BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last, and greatest | + | improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to | + | all the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES. | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + | $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | + | to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | + | market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | + | purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY SPEAR, | + | | + | STATIONER, PRINTER, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. | + | | + | ACCOUNT BOOKS MADE TO ORDER. | + | | + | PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. | + | | + | 82 Wall Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: COURTESIES IN OUR SUNDAY-SCHOOLS. + +Teacher. "BY THE BY, DEAR, CAN YOU LEND ME A COUPLE OF SMALL PUPILS FOR +ANNIVERSARY, MY CLASS IS SO LITTLE? YOU SHALL HAVE THEM BACK AGAIN NEXT +SUNDAY."] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT CANAL ENTERPRISE. + +[FROM OUR SPECIAL BOSTON CORRESPONDENT.] + +BOSTON, May 8th, 1870. + +We Bostonians are greatly surprised that your valuable journal has as +yet taken no notice of the great undertaking of the century--the Cape +Cod Canal. However, you New-Yorkers are quite out of the world, and +unless you read the Boston _Transcript_ regularly, can not be expected +to know much about the enterprises with which the earnest men of the +nation are occupied. The great Cape Cod Canal is, however, not meant +simply for the benefit of the Bostonian nation, but for the commerce of +the civilized world. It is destined to work a more important revolution +in the trade of Plymouth, Barnstable, and Nantucket, than the Suez or +Darien Canals. + +Of course you are familiar with the peculiar conformation of Cape Cod. +It juts out into the Atlantic like an immense elbow, and, indeed, is +understood to be modelled after the brawny arm of the gallant CHARLES +SUMNER. Vessels passing between ports on the western and those on the +southern coast of Massachusetts, are now obliged to make a wide _detour_ +in order to circumnavigate the Cape. It is now proposed to cut a canal +across the Cape just where it juts out from the mainland, and thus avoid +the tedious circumnavigation. The enormous importance of this work will +be at once perceived. The Canal will be nearly four miles in length, and +will be made of a uniform width of four feet, with a depth of two. This +gigantic undertaking will of course cost an immense amount of time and +money, but under the able supervision of ELKANAH HOPKINS, the gifted +engineer who constructed the board-walk in front of Deacon BREWSTER'S +house, at Standish Four Corners, there can be no doubt of its success. +Advantage will be taken of the duck-pond of Captain JEHOIAKIM BROWN, +which is situated in the course of the proposed canal. By leading the +Canal directly through this pond, at least a quarter of a mile of +excavation will be avoided. M. DE LESSEPS is known to have decided upon +making a similar use of the Bitter Lakes in the construction of his Suez +ditch, after having seen ELKANAH HOPKINS' plans for our great Cape Cod +Canal. Vessels will hereafter pass through this Canal instead of taking +the long voyage around the Cape; and it is believed that the _saving_ +which will be effected in the transportation of cod-fish and garden-sass +by the consequent shortening of the voyage, will be something enormous. +There are those who believe that the Canal will yield a yearly revenue +of from eighty to ninety dollars in tolls alone. It is understood that +the European Governments have already proposed to the Mayors of Boston +and Barnstable to guarantee the neutrality of the Canal in case of war; +but it is not possible that the proposition will be acceded to. +Bostonians should have the exclusive control of this magnificent work, +and the Selectmen of several of our prominent towns have drawn up +petitions against the proposition of neutrality. The opening of the +Canal will be the most splendid pageant of modern times. Mrs. JULIA WARD +HOWE will recite an original poem on the occasion; Mr W. H. MURRAY will +preach a sermon; Mrs. STOWE will read a new paper on BYRON, and the +State authorities will proclaim a solemn day of fasting and festivity. A +procession of ten fishing-schooners, headed by a flat-boat, containing +the Mayors and Selectmen of all the Massachusetts towns, will pass +through the Canal. After this, literary exercises are ended; and the +following month will be devoted to the delivery of an oration by Hon. +CHARLES SUMNER, on "The Classical Ditches of Ancient Times, and their +Influence on the Cause of Truth and Freedom." + +You, and the minor New-York papers, expect to devote most of your space +to this wonderful undertaking. It is more important than any event which +has taken place since the election of Mr. SUMNER to the Senate. It is a +subject which will interest all your earnest readers, who will be +greatly obliged to me for calling your attention to it. + +A FRIEND OF FREEDOM. + + * * * * * + +OLD SAWS RE-SET. + +That must be a pernicious agitation of the circumambient atmosphere, +which conduces not to the benefit of any individual. + +The common table utensil which is too frequently conveyed to the +fountain, to obtain the thirst-slaking beverage, will ultimately become +fractured. + +By devoting our attention chiefly to the smaller copper coin, the larger +denominations represented by paper currency will require no +_surveillance_. + +Persons who inhabit residences composed of a brittle, transparent, +silicious material, should refrain from forcibly casting fragments of +granite, etc. + +When the optic image of a given object is not projected upon the +_retina_ of the visual medium, that object fails to be desired by the +chief vital organ of the human anatomy. + +When the vigilant feline quadruped, frequently observed in the abodes of +man, is absent, the common domestic animal of the _genus mus_ may +indulge in various relaxations of an entertaining nature. + + * * * * * + +Common Pleas. + +Pleas of Temporary Insanity. + + * * * * * + +A Standard Work. + +J. RUSSEL YOUNG'S new paper. + + * * * * * + +Drugs in the Market. + +An English chemist has discovered a process by which wood of any kind +can be dyed a beautiful and permanent violet hue. + +Should that chemist fail to succeed in his profession, he might +profitably turn his attention to writing for the stage, seeing that he +has a decided turn for Dye-a-Log. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Legs have heretofore been inseparable in the public mind from LYDIA +THOMPSON. Her successes have varied inversely as the length of her +trunk-hose. She has built up her reputation by "break-downs," and has +clutched the burlesque diadem with, innumerable bounds of her elastic +legs. Now, however, she has grown weary of offering up her fatted calves +at the shrine of a prodigal New-York audience, and desires to hide the +lightness of her legs under a bustle and crinoline. Wherefore she +exchanges her PIPPIN for a MOSQUITO, and appears in serious instead of +comic burlesque. + +_Mosquito_ is a play written expressly for Miss THOMPSON, by DUMAS +_pere_. There is the more reason to believe this assertion, inasmuch as +DUMAS, or somebody else, has already written it expressly for a variety +of other people. It was written for MENKEN, under the title of "_The +Pirates of the Savannah_," some six years since, and was written for +somebody else and played at the Porte St. Martin about seventeen years +ago. We should not be surprised if the "Veteran Observer" of the _Times_ +were prepared to prove that it was written expressly for him about the +year 1775. In view of these facts, no one will regard it as improbable +that it was also written for Miss THOMPSON. Be that as it may, however, +there is no doubt that Miss THOMPSON appeared in it on Monday evening +last, and that the following synopsis is much more accurate than even +the play itself. + +After an overture, performed principally on an exasperating drum, the +curtain rises on a scene in a seaport town in South America, or, to be +exact, in Bolivia. Various disreputable pirates, whose appearance is a +libel on a profession adorned by such men as Captain EYRE and the +managers of cheap American republishing houses, conspire together in +such mysterious words as these: + +_Valderrama (a pirate chief.)_ "To-night we must--" + +_Pierre (a comic pirate.)_ "We will, or--" + +_Val., etc._ "You have your--?" + +_Pierre._ "I have; and--" + +_Both Together._ "S-s-s-s-h. Some one comes. Swear to--" + +_Enter_ LYDIA THOMPSON, _clothed on with crinoline._ (_To various +pirates._) "Well! How's things? Are you still the--?" + +_Various Pirates._ "We are; and if--" + +_Enter_ BRENTANO, _the father of_ LYDIA. _He addresses her in tender +accents._ "Me cheyild, the hour is come. I must away. _(To Valderrama.)_ +Shall we--?" + +_Val., etc._ "We shall. Come, my friend, and--" + +_They come. Scene changes to a lonely glen. Comic Pirate explains to_ +LYDIA _the secret of her birth in terms which leave it more +unintelligible than ever. Various pirates conspire to murder_ BRENTANO. +_Scene again changes to_ BRENTANO'S _garden. Various pirates enter and +shoot the old man. Applause. Somebody sets the house on fire. Enter_ +LYDIA _disguised in boy's clothes. She vows eternal fidelity to_ +VALDERRAMA _The audience wildly welcome her familiar legs, and the +curtain falls amid tempestuous applause and the frantic beating of the +fiendish drum._ + +_Rather Dull Old Gentleman._ "I can't make out what it's all about. Why +does she want to follow VALDERRAMA when she knows he has killed her +father?" + +_Theatrical Person, who has seen the manuscript play._ "Don't you see? +She means to avenge herself by reading the _Nation_ to him, or by +singing Shoo-fly. She'll make his life a burden." + +_Dull Old Gentleman._ "Oh! I see. But will she turn pirate, too?" + +_Theatrical Person._ "By no means. There were no strong-minded women on +the Spanish main. The pirates were bad enough, but they didn't have all +the vices of the present day. She'll go to Paris with VALDERRAMA, and he +will take the title of MARQUIS of FONSECA, and live sumptuously on old +BRENTANO'S money. Just you wait and see." + +_Curtain rises on second act, showing the Hotel Fonseca, at Paris. +Several French noblemen repeat ponderous witticisms to one another. +Enter Miss_ MARKHAM _with clothes on. She represents the icy_ DIANA DE +MAULEON. + +_Diana._ "Mon Doo! there is my lover LEON DE BEAULIEU. I won't have him, +for he ain't rich enough." + +_Leon._ "Mademosel! I love you." + +_Diana._ "Mosshure, what's your name? who are your parents? and what's +your income?" + +_Leon._ "Alas! I have none." + +_Diana._ "Then leave. Ah! Good evening, Mosshure, the MARQUIS DE +FONSECA." + +_Fonseca (aside.)_ "LEON is the son of somebody, I forget who. Never +mind, I'll murder him and marry DIANA." + +_Mosquito (in other words, Lydia Thompson in a dress that shows her +legs.)_ "I love LEON. I must save him. I will save him." + +_Scene changes to an inn on the coast within a few yards of Paris. +Enter_ PIERRE _and other pirates. They conspire to murder_ LEON _and the +French language. Enter_ MOSQUITO _disguised as a serving maid. She +dances, sings, and overhears the plot. Enter_ LEON _in order to be +murdered. By a neat little stratagem_ MOSQUITO _contrives to have the +pirates shoot each other, and saves_ LEON. _Curtain falls, followed by +more maddening performances on the drum._ + +_Dull Old Gentleman._ "I begin to see into it a little; but who is LEON, +and why does FONSECA want to murder him?" + +_Theatrical Person._ "Well, I can't just now remember. It is all cleared +up in the last scene, though. You see, MOSQUITO is the daughter of +BRENTANO, who was killed. She has another father who comes on later. +Somebody else is LEON'S father, and you see FONSECA is the brother--no, +the aunt of PIERRE--no, that's not it precisely--but you'll see." + +_Dull Old Gentleman (doubtfully.)_ "I hope so; but that infernal drum +makes such a noise that I can hardly think. Who is that tall, awkward +woman with the turned-up nose, who plays 'DIANA?'" + +_Theatrical Person._ "Hush, GRANT WHITE is sitting right behind you. +That is Miss MARKHAM, and she is considered to be very handsome. She is +a little awkward in clothes, but she'll get used to them in time." + +_The third act begins. Every body, from the Comic Pirate down to a +Dramatic Writer who is in the play, go to a ball at the Palace Gardens._ +MOSQUITO, _disguised as a Gipsy, dances and tells cheerful fortunes. +Fonseca proposes for_ DIANA'S _hand and roars the subject over in a +private conversation with her father, while he and the old gentleman +stand on opposite sides of the garden. Every body quarrels with every +body else. The Comic Pirate challenges_ LEON _to fight a duel, intending +to murder him._ MOSQUITO, _backed by the_ REGENT _of_ ORLEANS _and the +entire court, stops the duel and denounces_ FONSECA. _The latter tries +to murder her and is shot by the Comic Pirate. Then explanations take +place, by which every body is proved to be the father or daughter of +every body else, and the play is ended by an appropriate suggestion from +the_ REGENT, _that the entire party should engage in a congratulatory +dance._ + +_Dull Old Gentleman._ "Well, I must say I don't understand any thing +about it. I can't even make out the different actors. Who is the rather +pretty, fat woman, dressed like a boy. She don't act a bit, but she +dances nicely." + +_Theatrical Person._ "Why, that is LYDIA THOMPSON. The play was written +for her, you know." + +_Dull Old Gentleman (evidently getting irritable.)_ "All I've got to say +is this, that I don't know which is the worse, she or the play. What is +the stage coming to? In my day we used to have something like acting at +the old Park. Ah, there was PLACIDE, and ELLEN TREE, and--" + +The old gentleman goes slowly out, muttering reminiscences from ancient +history. A tall, intellectual-looking man is seen to withdraw into the +grass-plat in the court-yard, and is there heard to appeal to the +chimney-pots and stars to note the surpassing beauty of the vocal velvet +of the fair MARKHAM. And the undersigned wends his way homeward with the +conviction that _Hamlet_, with the part of HAMLET omitted, would be +intelligible and attractive in comparison with LYDIA THOMPSON and +PAULINE MARKHAM with their legs banished from public view. MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET. + +The great art of Doing others as they would like to Do you has always +commended itself to PUNCHINELLO as a very happy rendering of a certain +fusty old rule which, in its original shape, did very well some nineteen +hundred years ago, but is altogether out of date in these brisk times. +Hence the gambols of the merry bulls in that Broad Street which leadeth +to DIVES palace are just now highly entertaining. In that illustrious +quarter of this amazing metropolis there is a beautiful game going on +which is vastly more interesting to watch than to join in, and this +little game is much as follows: + +A number of the members of that worthy family of undoubted ancestry and +opulence, and known the world over as the "Cliques," have gone into the +dairy business. The cheese-presses are kept and the churning is done in +the big offices by the wayside; but the milking is carried on in a very +Long Room, found, from considerable experience, to be peculiarly adapted +to this profitable line of trade. Now in the pastoral realms of Finance, +it is an odd fact that not only is the milk all cream, and golden cream +into the bargain, but it is sometimes hard to tell which are the +dairy-maids and which are the kindly animals with the crumpled horns +which furnish the lacteal supply which is so particularly sought after. +Of course every body wants as much cream as possible, and all have faith +that, at the nick of time, it will be given to them to milk instead of +the other thing. There is a pleasant amusement known among juveniles as +"SIMON says up," etc. This is the very milk in the stock-market +cocoanut. When some great member of the big Clique family cries "DANIEL +says up," and every body shouts by mistake "DANIEL says down," then the +Long Room does a very huge business indeed, and the number of cheeses +made is marvellous to relate. When, on the contrary, Clique says "down," +and the crowd cries "up," and it really should be up, then the great +Clique discover that their dairy-maids have become the other thing, and +that all the cheese is going the other side of the way. This is +exceedingly damaging to the Clique firm; and as it is very painful +indeed to be the other thing, since it makes sore heads and brings on a +tendency to "bust," requiring much careful nursing to recover from the +effect, the Clique family is always careful to arrange every thing in a +manner that shall best insure the monopoly of the lacteal element to +itself. + +At present the Cliques have made, most excellent provisions. It is a +rule that nothing so stimulates the production of cream in the financial +pastures as that curious esculent the greenback. Oddly enough, also, +although this esculent la greatly sought after by the other useful +animals in Uncle SAM'S plantation, yet, from one and another cause, vast +quantities of this exhilarating food have been amassed in and around the +banks of Wall street--those banks where the woodbine vainly twineth, and +by whoso side our allegory unhappily lies. With plenty of greenbacks, +therefore, to make every one gay and festive, with the pumps hard at +work to keep the stocks well watered, and with all sorts of devices to +lead the Street family (and a very low but ambitious and prolific family +it is) to cry "up" when DANIEL says "down," the jubilant Cliques have +set their mind upon a thriving Spring business. + +PUNCHINELLO gazes down upon the game with equal and serene mind. Since +all wish to milk and not to be the other thing, and as it is not clear +which is going to be which, he is content to watch the cheeses as they +come from the press, and to declare that they at least are seemly and +good to behold. If PUNCHINELLO could only believe that the Street family +was likely to succeed, he would certainly doff his cap to them. Success +is beautiful. It is to Do others as they would Do you. That is the +Nineteenth Century. It is, therefore, sublime. One gets exhausted in +hurrahing for the Cliques. They are always getting the best of it. But +the Street people need encouragement. It is not pleasant to be the other +thing. And if the bloated Clique party are not some time brought to a +turn, the day will come when we shall find all Clique and no cheese--a +consummation devoutly _not_ to be wished for! + + * * * * * + +"Too Much for Good Nature," + +The acting at Wood's Museum. + + * * * * * + +A Question for the "Veteran Observer," + +Who was the "Oldest Inhabitant"--Old PARR, or old Grand Par? + + * * * * * + +Miss-Conductors. + +The young ladies who bring back the Trains. + + * * * * * + +FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE. + +[BY ATLANTIC CABLE.] + +GREAT BRITAIN. + +Having a peculiar privilege as the correspondent of PUNCHINELLO, I was +on the floor of the House of Commons when Mr. GLADSTONE made his short +speech, on the 25th, about England and possessions. I was standing by +the O'DONOHUE when the Minister said, "_A free and voluntary contract is +the only basis for continued union._" I whispered to O'DONOHUE--Good for +Ireland! He did me the honor to repeat it aloud; but the Minister's +answer was not heard. + +Mr. EASTWICK had just been making a speech about "tightening colonial +relations." The _Press Ass_ made this charge somebody or other with +"making tight the Colonel's relations." It was just like that fellow. I +only succeeded by chance in saving him from sending across some stuff +about the Cardinal Archbishop of CRANBERRY, instead of CHAMBERY. I got a +dispatch from, him quoting the _Virago_ of Paris--meaning the _Figaro_, +of course. And then that _Schema_; a Sphinx could not have made it more +of a puzzle, whether he meant that the bishops voted that the Pope +should be _deified_, or _defied_, or that the _de fide_ should pass by +their vote. + +CYRUS W. FIELD has been here, in communication with AIRY, the astronomer +Royal, about a telegraph to the moon. A lunatic observation makes it wax +plain that it will not be in wane to attempt it. STOKES and HUGGINS, +moreover, have been taking views of people through the spectroscope. +_Absorption bands_ are very striking in the _spectra_ of the ROTHSCHILDS +and other bankers. _Bright lines_ are seen in TENNYSON and WILLIAM +MORRIS; _dark lines_ in SWINBURNE. + +Gaseous substances are shown to exist in certain bodies and people; a +great deal of gas was discovered in VICTOR HUGO. Traces of iron are +visible in NAPOLEON III; and still more, at the last observations, n +BISMARCK. VICTOR EMMANUEL had more of the phosphorus; the Pope, of +sulphur; the PRINCE of WALES, of mercury; the editor of the _Times_, of +lead. GARIBALDI and MAZZINI have a carbon-ari appearance through the +instrument; with some look of nitrous incandescence, also. Laughing-gas +is evidently abundant in PUNCH. + +The Lords of the Admiralty have observed that Mr. HALE has proposed in +Congress a 16 million bill for a new American navy. It will be at once +proposed to the House of Commons that 32 millions be spent in iron-clads +here. And the Cabinet of the French Emperor have already prepared their +little bill, demanding of the _Corps Legislatif_ a sum of sixty-four +millions for monster ships. All this is, of course, encouraging. Mr. +HALE had better try again, + +Of course you have heard of the great Fenian raid, which really is to +come off. You know there are immense amounts of vegetables and other +provender brought to London from the Continent every day. Now a large +number of sworn Fenians are to go to Holland and learn Dutch, so that +they can go over disguised as petty dealers in food, get to London armed +with revolvers, and carry off the Queen! As the Fenians always do +exactly what they promise to do, this may be relied upon as certain to +happen. It is said that the Queen is studying Dutch as an amusement; +which may be very convenient on the way; she can expostulate with them +better in Dutch than in Irish. + +From GERMANY, we learn that JANAUSCHEK is coming to London to play in +English. Also that a ballet corps is coming over to dance in Spanish, +and an opera troupe, to sing phonographically, in Hindoostanee. A new +opera, by BALFE, is spoken of; subject, the Tower of Babel. This was +suggested by the Ecumenical Council; where some body must have been +LISET-ening. + +A World's Congress of Croquet Players will be held next month at Baden. +They will not hold their debates in Latin. Among the points discussed +will be, whether it is allowable to pop the question on the croquet +ground. Old maids are quoted as thinking that it distracts the game. +Younger ones would consider it allowable in certain cases. + +What people some travelling Americans are! There is one _nouveau riche_ +from New-York, who has been going about all over Germany, asking every +body for the sculptor--he thinks his name was METTERNICH--whose most +famous work was the _Status quo_! He wants one of these, he says, for +his _jardin des plantes_; which is going to be as big as the one near +Paris. He has also heard of the Marquis of BUTE; and wants to buy one or +two of his things; because somebody once read to him, out of a +copy-book, that "a thing of Bute is a joy forever." I have not time to +tell you, today, about my late interview with the Pope. --PRIME + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +EVERY MAN HIS OWN POLICEMAN. + +EXEMPLIFIED BY THE FOLLOWING DESIGNS OF PUNCHINELLO'S PATENT ARMOR. + +OPEN CASE. + +IN CASE OF ASSASSIN. + +IN CASE OF STAGE ACCIDENT. + +IN CASE OF PICK-POCKET. + +IN CASE OF MAD BULL.] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORT-FOLIO. + +Upon opening our mail, the other morning, a communication signed +"Tragedian," purporting to come from the father of three boys, (each +remarkable in his way,) particularly attracted our attention. He stated +with peculiar succinctness some singular developments of genius in the +second of these prodigies, which do not always accompany such tender +adolescence. "But twelve years old!" exclaims the enraptured parent, +"and yet my FRITZ has produced a tragedy in three acts, entitled 'The +Drewid's Curse.' No less a judge than our leading town lawyer, squire +MANGLES, was so kind as to say that such an instance of the histrionic +flux in a child of FRITZ'S years, was utterly unparalleled. If +PUNCHINELLO could find space for a few specimens of the 'Curse,' they +shall be cheerfully furnished." + +(It might as well be stated here that curses of this character are +already quite abundant, and that PUNCHINELLO can not find space for any +of them. Still a kind word may not be misunderstood.) + +To the son of a man who spells "Druid" with a "_w_," all things must be +possible, from a hangman's noose to a Presidential nomination, and the +danger to be apprehended in this case is, that some of "Tragedian's" +posterity may slip into one or the other of them. A parental raid upon +all the pens, ink and paper that could possibly come within the reach of +a youth whose soul revels in Druidical reminiscences, is the only +effective remedy which at present occurs to us. The "histrionic flux" is +a kindred disease, and would, of course, be susceptible of the same +treatment. + + * * * * * + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I am not mad, but to you, alone, I confide the secret +of my sanity. Nevertheless I thirst for blood. + +Feelings over which I have no control, render it imperative that I +should shoot somebody. Precisely who may be the victim of this +insatiable desire, fate alone can decide. I propose some day next week +to commence a general fusilade from the windows of my office upon the +passers-by. My sole security in this affair, is a maiden aunt now in the +Lunatic Asylum. I look with confidence to her malady as my triumphant +vindication. My object in writing to you is to ask whether, in your +opinion, the fact is sufficient to _guarantee_ a verdict of "Not +Guilty," in case I am prosecuted for murder, or whether an unscrupulous +jury could sacrifice me to the unsettled condition of the popular mind +on the subject of justifiable insanity. Yours sanguinarily, + +--RABIES. + +PUNCHINELLO expresses his opinion in reference to the above letter with +great reluctance. He fears that if he gives his advice according to his +real convictions, he may be overrun with similar applications, and if he +gives advice that he doesn't feel, he will condemn "RABIES" to the +mortification of the gallows. He therefore takes a middle course, and +observes that the possession of an aunt in the Lunatic Asylum is +certainly strong presumptive evidence that her nephew is no better than +she is. Here in New-York, it would be difficult to upset such evidence, +but elsewhere the result might be different. "RABIES" gives no clue to +his whereabouts. PUNCHINELLO, therefore, presumes that he does not +contemplate murder here. Very well, then, it would be unadvisable to +kill any one, until at least two respectable physicians could testify +that either before or after the act they had called upon "RABIES," fully +interviewed him on the subject of the maiden aunt, and found that the +slightest allusion to her was productive of any of the following +phenomena: + + +1st. Sudden and violent twitching of the eyes. + +2d. Discoloration of the veins of the nose, resulting in an appearance +abnormally rubicund. + +3d. Manifestations of extravagant thirst, which water could not satisfy. + +4th. Tendency to reach for his boot-straps, as if with the view of +lifting himself by the same. + +5th. Rapid rise of the pulse from 50 to 500--say within the space of ten +seconds. + +6th. Shoo-fly! movement of the hand toward the cheek as if some thing +had alighted there, and patient were trying to rub it off. + +7th. The presence of a cicatrix on the left temple (This is a most +irrefutable proof of insanity). + +8th. Psychological developments indicative of "moral alienation." + +9th. Gangrenous condition of the tongue, proceeding from a disordered +liver, and mysteriously communicated to the brain. + +10th. Any symptoms going to show that patient might mistake another +man's wife for his own. + +11th. Discovery at the last moment that patient's father suffered +himself to be hung for murder. + +PUNCHINELLO offers these as the accepted _data_ by which RABIES may +measure his chances for life in case he executes his avowed purpose, +but I would impress upon him the fact that these are necessary _outside_ +of New-York only. Here proof of the lunacy of the maiden aunt would be +sufficient. + + * * * * * + +UNCLE SAMUEL + +To His Lit-tle Lads in Con-gress. + +[A LESSON IN EASY WORDS OF ONE SYLLABLE.] + + My lads! I will be plain with, you: + I am not pleased with all you do. + I hate to scold, and yet I must; + And you will take it well, I trust. + + When first I saw you, nice and clean, + It was a sight to show the Queen! + I was an ass to like you so; + But where we _wish_ to like, we do. + I should have known it could not be; + For luck, of late, is gone from me. + No more I see the good old times + When fools were fools, and crimes were crimes, + And boys and men had work to do, + And did not play till work was through. + The times have changed; so have the boys! + I know this, when I hear your noise, + And note your slack work, day by day; + Each lad must have his own small way, + If it is but to loaf and loll, + Or else, not to come in at all, + Or not to care for what is done + If so be it can yield no fun, + Or else, to be as coarse and rough, + As rash and rude, and grum and gruff, + As though it were some bear that spoke, + Whom all the world must long to choke. + + For shame, my lads! I let you draw + All I can spare to you by law; + Each lad of you takes all he can, + But not a soul acts like a man! + What do you _do_, for such fine pay? + What have you done these five months? Say! + You know you ought to do some good; + The friends that sent you, think you should. + Have you no pride, no sense! In fine, + Why do you waste their time and mine? + + If it could move you, I'd tell how + The boys that sat where you sit now + Once _earned_ their pay, and got the name + Of fine, brave lads! But you!--for shame! + Boys, I could thrash you all, I fear! + + It may be, times will change, this year-- + Your friends all tire of you, I know, + And what, if they should let you go! + The school, through you, has such a name + All good men feel a kind of shame; + They feel the world must laugh, at last-- + The world that could not scorn the past! + + Oh, think of that, my lads! I see + You do not mean to turn from me. + From _me_, your best of friends? Oh, no! + I may seem grave, and dull, and slow. + But you and I, my lads, are one! + Your fame, your blame, I can not shun. + Much have I borne for you, of late; + But you are small, and I am great! + + * * * * * + +A Reflection for Recorder Hackett. + +The GRAHAM bread bakers are useful members of the community, but the +same can not be said of GRAHAM bred lawyers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRITICAL INTELLIGENCE. + +_Able Critic._ "BUT WHAT SORT OF A CREATURE IS THAT UPON WHICH THE YOUNG +WOMAN STANDS?" + +_Artist (who likes to "sell" bores.)_ "O! THAT'S A GONOPH." + +_Able Critic._ "AH! YES. I THOUGHT SO." _(And he wonders what in thunder +a "gonoph" is.)_] + + * * * * * + +A SONG OF THE NEW BABEL. + +[_Dedicated with sentiments of the most inexpressible respect to the +Members of the Forty-First Congress._] + + I. + + Oh! who, for any payment auriferous or argent, + Would undertake to do the work that Mr. Speaker does-- + With nobody to help him except the trembling Sergeant, + While still begin and never end the shout and scream and buzz? + Oh, never any where, save in desert groves Brazilian, + Was ever heard such endless and aimless gabble yet. + For there the tribes of monkeys to the number of a million, + Screech and chatter without ceasing, from the sunrise to the set. + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + II. + + O strength of tongue how awful! O power of lungs how mighty! + Whence draw ye, honest gentlemen, your constant wind supply? + Whence comes your inspiration, belligerent or flighty? + Your common-place that grovels and your metaphors so high? + Pray, why not try, for novelty, a kind of solo speaking? + One man upon his legs--only one upon the floor? + For eloquence,'tis possible, does not consist in shrieking, + And really where's the argument in all this thundering roar? + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + III. + + The country listens sadly to the racket most distressing, + And wonders, in its bother, if e'er the time will come + When the Fates and Constitution will vouchsafe to us the blessing + Of a House of Representatives completely deaf and dumb; + Or if, perhaps, in exile these noisy mischief-makers, + The stream of elocution run most fortunately dry, + In seats of legislation, rows of ruminating Quakers + May shake their heads for "Nay" and may nod their heads for "Aye." + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + IV. + + But if these mighty nuisances we cannot stop or flee 'em, + If past all other remedy the sounding evil reaches, + Oh, why not send for GILMORE of the Boston Coliseum, + That he may drill the Members in a chorus to make speeches? + Then shall stop the fierce _rencontre_--shall cease the idle rating; + Then debates shall he no longer without a head or tail; + And while the power of song every soul is demonstrating, + Each member cherubimical will scorn to rant or rail. + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + V. + + But if for solo speaking Members still feel an avidity; + If they burn to make orations of most uncommon zest, + Let them just take our precaution against intense stupidity! + Let them study PUNCHINELLO and learn how to make a jest; + But away with dreams chimerical and projects vain, though clever! + The power of tongue's proportionate to wondrous length of ear; + The beast that carried BALAAM is as garrulous as ever, + And still the lobby listener must be content to hear + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BARNACLES ON OUR COMMERCE. + +_Intelligent Foreigner._ "WHY ARE ALL THESES AMERICAN SHIPS +LYING IDLE IN THEIR DOCKS, SIR, INSTEAD OF EARNING MONEY AT +SEA?" + +_Despondent Ship-owner._ "IT'S ALL THE BARNACLES, SIR. NO +SHIP CAN SAIL WITH THEM ON, AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE +GOING TO GET THEM OFF."] + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +Just as usual, WILSON had another little scheme on hand. There was no +money in it--nothing but a little Massachusetts glory. It was to set +apart a day to decorate the graves of the Union dead. Mr. WILSON +remembered that it would have been more consonant to his own feelings to +confine the ornamentations to the graves of colored men and the men of +Massachusetts. But for the sake of peace and harmony he was willing to +decorate all round. + +Mr. GARRETT DAVIS suggested that it didn't make any difference whether +they set apart a day or not. If people wished to decorate, they would +decorate, and if they didn't, they wouldn't. + +Mr. DRAKE said Mr. DAVIS'S hands were dripping with loyal gore. + +Mr. DAVIS said he would reply to that insinuation the first leisure week +he had. In the meantime he contented himself with hurling the foul +slander back into Mr. DRAKE'S teeth, if Mr. DRAKE had any. + +Lest Mr. DAVIS should execute his threat of making a speech, the Senate +referred the subject. + +Then there was a first-class wrangle about giving pensions to Mrs. +LINCOLN and Mrs. RAWLINGS. It was represented that Mrs. LINCOLN was +given up to riotous living upon pumpernickel and ganzebroost, at a +German watering-place, and that there was a rumor afloat that unless +Congress pensioned her at once, she might marry a German prince. Mr. +SHERMAN, on behalf of the Finance Committee, represented that German +princes were notoriously expensive and impecunious, and that it would be +much cheaper to pension Mrs. LINCOLN alone than to pension her and a +German prince together. He submitted some statements, showing what it +had cost Great Britain to have German princes marrying into the Royal +family. The Senate, therefore, incontinently passed the bill. + +Mr. Morrill introduced a neat little swindle, which does equal credit to +his hand and heart, providing that the United States should have the +free use of all patents granted under it. He said this was to discourage +that pernicious class of men, the inventors. In many branches of +industry, such as arms, the Government was the only customer of the +inventor. In those cases, the inventor's gray hairs would be brought +immediately to the grave. And inasmuch as the Government had a finger in +almost every body's pie, the future FULTONS and GOODYEARS would starve +to death before the completion of their diabolical devices. + +Some land-grabs were rushed through, when Mr. SAULSBURY objected. He +said nobody made any thing out of this except the Western Senators. He +called upon the men of the Eastern States to stand up for their share. +He had a little game in the interest of his own constituents. It was no +chimerical railway. It was a good, substantial, practical concern. He +demanded six million acres in behalf of the Delaware Balloon Navigation +Company. If this demand were not complied with, it would show that the +Senate were actuated by the basest personal motives. + +HOUSE. + +The gentle JULIAN insisted upon proposing his sixteenth or seventeenth +amendment. He said that he understood several women intended to vote, +and he introduced this to preserve his domestic peace. + +Mr. JENCKES, for the forty-fifth time, called up his Civil Service bill. + +Mr. BUTLER, for the thirty-seventh time, introduced a bill to annex San +Domingo. + +Mr. KELLEY and Mr. SCHENCK raved a neat but not new duett, "Give us +Tariff or give us Death." + +Mr. LOGAN gave a fine rendering of his famous bass solo, "The Tariff be +Hanged." + +Mr. SCHENCK intimated that Mr. LOGAN was an insect. At first he said he +was a pismire, but the Speaker said pismire was not parliamentary, and +he modified it to grasshopper. + +Mr. KELLEY said that he took his stand upon American pig-iron, for which +our fathers fought and bled. Did they never hear of Valley Forge? Our +fathers suffered in that forge for the sake of protecting their children +in the right to smelt in other forges. He said that the man who could +smelt two pigs of iron where only one was smelted before, was a public +benefactor. + +Mr. COX said he could not smelt a pig, but he thought he smelt a rat. + +Mr. JENCKES said he thought his Civil Service bill would tend to +diminish stealing. + +Mr. PETERS said he would oppose it for that very reason. He wished to +reward his friends. It was no reward for a man who stood by his country +in her hour of peril, to be given an office in which he had to work for +a living. What patriot would not be disgusted by the ingratitude of a +country which dared to insult him like that? There was nothing in this +bill to prevent a man dripping with loyal gore from holding office, if +he was honest and intelligent; whereas, one of his, Mr. PETERS'S +staunchest supporters might be refused an office, if he had the +misfortune to be dishonest and dull. The notion of making "capacity and +integrity" a qualification for office-holding was unprecedented, and was +preposterous. If things went on in this way, even members of Congress +would be compelled to do something for their pay. Now he preferred to +administer the public service on the good old principle they all had +practised, of "You tickle me and I'll tickle you." + + * * * * * + +NOTES FROM CHICAGO. + +The Garden City seems to be in a quiescent state at present. There is no +startling divorce case on the _topis_, and the main portion of the Court +House has not yet fallen in, and Mr. H.'s wife has not recently +surprised him in any well-matured plan for putting a _quietus_ upon her +existence. Domestic felicity is unusually prevalent. The scarlet-fever +and measles have prevailed to a somewhat alarming extent; but the most +contagious of all has been the _French_ fever. This malady seems to have +spread amongst all classes; the fashionable and the unfashionable, the +strong-minded and the frivolous. French teachers swarm like bees, here, +there, and every where, and all speaking the purest Parisian French; +even Mons. L'HARMONIQUE, who comes from that wee little town in Canada, +where the Canucks "most do congregate." But he says "the Americans do +love so much humbug," that he gives them their fill of that article. + +We have had French parties, French plays, French lectures. We read +French, speak French, sing French, and look French; and, if you are so +barbarously ignorant as not to understand that language, why, you might +just as well retire for an old fossil or petrifaction. You're obsolete, +that's all; as much behind the times as RIP VAN WINKLE himself, after +his memorable sleep. English is out of date here--a relic of the Dark +Ages. Fashionable ladies return from Paris, bringing with them +accomplished _bonnes_, and every one is prohibited from speaking a word +of English to the children; but, in spite of every precaution, the +vulgar little creatures will drop the musical foreign tongue, and speak +their own native language. They are christened ADELE, MARIE, or CLAIRE; +the SUSANS, MARYS, and ELLENS having ceased to exist. + +Parisian fashions, of course, reign triumphant, and the pretty young +girls in French frizzes and furbelows, shrug their fair white shoulders +exactly as they see "that elegant Madame DE----" do, and gesticulate +with what they imagine to be the true French grace and vivacity. They +all have a charming young teacher, with whom they carry on a most +romantic flirtation, that of course means nothing; and each one of these +fair students, (who conscientiously puts a "g" to every termination +possible, and who says _monseer_,) will tell you, with a complacent +smile, that Professor ---- considers her pronunciation unusually +excellent. They are all studying in the blissful anticipation of a trip +to Paris, where they will be presented to the Empress in yellow satin +gowns, and then, when they return, how eagerly will they be sought by +the fashionable young snobs, who long will see upon their fair brows the +reflection of imperial glory. That is, if the dark-eyed ROMEOS abroad +allow them ever to return to their native country. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. GLAUBER, DRUGGIST, WHO HAS HAD A DISPUTE WITH HIS +SIGN-PAINTER, IS NOT AWARE THAT THE LATTER HAD COME IN THE NIGHT, AND +TRANSPOSED THE LETTERING OF HIS NEW SIGN-BOARD. THIS ACCOUNTS FOR THE +COMPLACENCY OF MR. G., AS HE VIEWS THE CROWDS OF PEOPLE OVER THE WAY WHO +STOP TO GAZE AT IT.] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY, + +Order-Reptilia. + +SPECIES-BULLFROG. + +Although the batrachian is of the genus _bufo_, he is by no means a +_buffo_ genius. He may be styled the solemn organist of the swamp; +slough music being his specialty. Like other out-door performers on wind +instruments, he is chiefly heard in pleasant weather, and during the +summer his organ is without stops. Being a Democrat, he appreciates the +dignity of labor, and consequently is not ashamed to blow his own +bellows. + +Winter shuts the bull-frog up like a four-bladed jack-knife, and he does +not open until the blades are started by the Spring. He seldom leaves +his mud bivouac for active service before April, but a Forward March +sometimes induces him to move earlier. As a rule, however, the smaller +varieties of the species begin to ply their bog-pipes some weeks before +he volunteers a voluntary. + +Originally, this member of the Frog family had no surname, but about two +thousand years ago, in consequence of his disastrous failure in an +attempt to rival a male animal of the bovine species, the prefix "bull" +was incorporated with his patronymic by a crooked little Greek. The +name, however, more appropriately belongs to the Horned Frog of Sumatra. + +The habits of the Bull-Frog are believed by observant naturalists to be +strictly temperate, although there is a rumor afloat that he has been +seen Over the Bay in New-Jersey. It is suspected, however, that the +originators of the story were persons who visited that State to avoid +the restrictions of the Sunday liquor-law, and consequently saw as +through a glass darkly. Be that as it may, it is certain that this +species of reptiles (unlike the "paragon of animals,") is never too +drunk to navigate. + +Mankind is deeply indebted to the Bull-Frog. We should never have known +how to keep our heads above water but for their example, and, though Mr. +CHASE may not be aware of the fact, their greenbacks were the first that +ever issued from the Banks of America. Naturally, therefore, they are in +advance of SALMON, and, long before he put our currency on its present +footing, the hinder limb of a bull-frog was a legal tender. + +The frog exists in most parts of the world, and at one time all the +varieties of the species were Plaguily abundant in Egypt. They were +introduced there to punish the people for their rascality, and appeared +in such numbers among the Egyptian blacklegs that they stopped the game +of PHARAOH. There is nothing poetic in the aspect of the frog. It is +simply a tenaqueous bag of wind, yet it has occasionally given an +impulse to the divine _afflatus_. We have it on the authority of the +celebrated traveller Count SMORLTORK that the distinguished Mrs. LEO +HUNTER, once wrote an "Ode to a Perspiring Frog." + +The costume of a Bull-Frog consists of a green coat with yellow vest and +brownish breeches, and when he requires a change of uniform, he pulls +off the old one and swallows it. This fact has been doubted; but why +should It be deemed incredible? Are there not parallel cases in the +human family? GOLDSMITH tells us that he once lived for a fortnight on +his coat and waistcoat; and every pawnbroker knows that a cast-off suit +often furnishes the material for a family dinner. Why should not a frog +sustain life with his Pants as well as a Christian? + +Common brown frogs are good baits for FISH in most of the counties in +this State; but when you go to HAMILTON try the greenbacks. + +The unlicked cubs of the batrachian family are known (irrespective of +sex) as Pollywogs, and are the meanest of all the reptile race except +the radical Scaliwags. They are all heads and tails, and then, not the +toss of a copper to choose between the two ends, as regards hideousness. +The manner in which the tails are gradually developed into legs is very +curious, but, as this is not a Caudal lecture, it is unnecessary to +describe the process. + +It has been metrically stated that the fast young batrachian goes a +wooing in an Opera hat, irrespective of his mother's consent, but this +assertion is not borne out by BUFFON or CUVIER, and maybe set down as a +_lapsus lyrea_. Upon the whole the Bull-Frog, though harmless as a lamb, +is nearly as stupid as a donkey, which accounts for his taking up his +abode among Morasses, when he might dwell in the woods with the turtle +and "feel like a bird." Furthermore, and finally, the subject is a +slippery one and difficult to handle, and, therefore, with this remark +we drop it. + + * * * * * + +A Clerical Error. + +A PRESBYTERIAN clergyman, the Rev. CHARLES B. SMYTHE, has been +scandalizing a community in New-Jersey by putting gin in his milk, and +that on a Sunday afternoon. From the rebuke administered to Rev. SMYTHE +by the authorities of his church, it appears that his case must have +been a very aggravated one. They admonished him to "walk more correctly +in future;" the inference to be drawn from which is that the amount of +milk-punch, outside of which Rev. SMYTHE had placed himself, was +sufficient to impart a stagger to his gait. + + * * * * * + +Right to a T. + +The employment of Chinese laborers to build railroads is very suggestive +of a well-known product of the Celestial Empire, since railroad tracks +are usually laid with T rails. + + * * * * * + +"What's in a Name?" + +Letters of the Alphabet. + + * * * * * + +A Be-Knighted Set. + +The Canadian Government. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Anxious Inquirer_. Can you give me any clue to the whereabouts of +Collector BAILEY? I have advertised repeatedly for information +concerning him without the slightest success. + +N.B. PUNCHINELLO begs to give notice that he doesn't keep a detective +police agency, but the gentleman in question is said to be in _Esse_. + +_Economist_. Is a gentleman who invites a lady to the theatre obliged to +hire a carriage to take her in? + +_Answer_. Not at all. He can Take her In by not keeping his appointment, +or--he can charter an omnibus if he likes. + +_Vinous_. Can you give me any information about high wines and dry +wines? Can wines be high and not dry, or both high and dry, or how? +Please explain. Was HENRI do BOURBON the last of the Bourbons? + +_Answer_ I. DELMONICO'S _Clos Vouguet_ at $16 per bottle is a high wine +but not a dry wine. It might be, though, if it wasn't wet. II. Not by a +good many. + +X. Please, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, who were CASTOR and POLLUX? + +_Answer_. Twins. (By Gemini you ought to have known that!) + +_Scissors_. Where can I have access to old files of the leading +news-papers? + +_Answer_. In the editorial rooms of the same. You must be brief, +however, as their time is valuable, and these Old Files are apt to be +crusty, if bored. + +_Old Salt_. How can sea-sickness be avoided? + +_Answer_. By never going to sea. + +_Linnaeus_. Does a knowledge of botany necessarily involve a knowledge +of square root and cube root? + +_Answer_. Our correspondent is evidently trying to quiz us. PUNCHINELLO +will pay no attention to levity of this sort. + +_Claude_. I desire to make a few presents to a young lady who is +intellectual but very timid. What shall I give her? + +_Answer_. Presents of Mind. + +_M.C._ I am going to buy a new faro-table for my place up-town--you know +where. What is the best shape and material? + +_Answer_. A Square Deal table generally suite _players_ the best. + +_Williams_. No, sir; the term Fiscal year has no reference to Col. FISK, +Jr. + +_Gardener_. Haydn's Book of Dates is not a Horticultural book. + +_Byron, Jr_. Your verses would be much better if you would pay less +attention to your Feet and more to your Head. + +_M.J.B._ Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Our darling little pet, Tinkums, is not +well, and does nothing but cry all night, to Charlie's great vexation. +What will stop the little darling's crying? + +We would suggest a hot pitch plaster directly over the mouth--that is, +if the child was in the house with us. + + * * * * * + +Ego Sum. + +I am some. (Pumpkins understood.) + + * * * * * + +The Milky Way. + +The road from Orange County. + + * * * * * + +Edwin to Emma. + +Flax Vobiscum. + + * * * * * + +SAILING DIRECTIONS + +FOR ENTERING AND LEAVING YOKOHAMA BAY. + +From our special correspondent if Washington we have received the +following Special Order of the Navy Department, directing United States +men-of-war how to approach and leave Yokohama: + +SPECIAL ORDER NO. 999. + +In consequence of the late disaster to the U.S. sloop Oneida, the +following rules are hereby published for the guidance of vessels of war +approaching the Bay of Yokohama: + +I. On making the land, or if at night, on striking the soundings, all +hands will be called to prayers. + +II. After prayers all boats will be lowered and towed astern, to be out +of the way of damage. + +III. The gunner, under direction of the executive officer, will dismount +all guns, and strike them into the hold. The reasons for this action +will be at once apparent to commanders of vessels, when they reflect +that, in case of collision, the guns would be useless as signals, owing +to the extraordinary deafness of the officers belonging to the +Peninsular and Oriental Mail Steamship Company; and a reference to the +details of the Oneida's disaster will show the danger of the guns +breaking loose and destroying human life. They will, therefore, be at +once stowed in the hold. + +IV. On entering the bay, the helm must be kept amidships. The rule of +the road, according to English interpretation, is so difficult of +comprehension that the above is by far the safest plan. + +V. Each officer and man will be directed to secure upon his person such +valuables belonging to him as he can conveniently carry. + +VI. Finally, it shall be the duty of the commander to see that all hands +are provided with life-preservers. + +VII. The same rules will apply to vessels leaving Yokohama and +proceeding to sea. + +VIII. Having taken the above precautions, vessels may stand boldly into +the bay, and in case they are run into and sunk by any other vessel (say +for example one of the Peninsular and Oriental Company's ships) their +officers and men will stand some little chance of saving their lives. +But should all precautions fail, the gallant crew will be no doubt +greatly consoled, as they sink to their graves, by the reflection that a +pious Congress will pass resolutions of sympathy for their widows and +orphans. + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR PROTECTION. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: I like your paper, though it is altogether too light +and trifling in its treatment of serious subjects. Besides, it never +treats of any thing serious. This won't do. The earnest men and women of +the nation require something better at your hands. I have an essay on +the "Origin of Evil," which I forward to you by this mail, and which, +when published, will give an entirely different character to your +journal. I want you, moreover, to advocate our American doctrine of +Protection. Even our ablest statesmen, KELLEY, GREELEY, and DANIEL +PRATT, have never carried this doctrine far enough. They are willing to +protect American iron-masters by prohibiting the introduction of foreign +iron, but why don't they protect American laborers by forbidding foreign +workmen to land on our shores? I demand protection for the native +ditcher. Forbid the Irishmen to land here and to lower the price of +labor by competing with our own ditch-diggers. Put a stop to the influx +of German tailors and bootmakers, who prevent native artists from +earning the wages that would otherwise be theirs. Protect our authors by +prohibiting the sale of works written by foreigners. Keep all foreign +pictures out of the country, and give our own POWELLS and ROSSITERS a +chance. And, above all, protect our American girls by preventing any +pretty English, French, or German girls from coming in competition with +them. These foreign girls bring their pretty faces here and glut the +matrimonial market. The fewer the marriageable girls, the higher their +market value. We protect iron-workers, and decline to protect our own +daughters. This is an outrage. Shall we prevent the railroad companies +from laying rails made of foreign iron, and permit husbands to marry +foreign wives? Every patriotic and protectionist instinct revolts +against it. I want you to take this matter up. Let us have no more +foreign manufactures, foreign iron, foreign books, foreign laborers, or +foreign girls. This is the true American system, and I look to you to +aid in carrying it out. MOTHER CAREY. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO IS SORRY. + +Alas! it is with tears in his eyes, albeit unaccustomed to such humor, +that PUNCHINELLO condoles with the ladies of Massachusetts on the defeat +of the proposition to endow them with the right of suffrage. The Puritan +Patriots in the State Legislature, who unanimously recognize the "inborn +right" of the black field-hands of South Carolina and Georgia to make +laws for the white women of the Republic, have scornfully denied, by a +vote of 133 to 68, that the white women aforesaid have any political +rights at all; thus officially proclaiming to the world that they +consider their wives, their daughters, and the mothers that bore them, +inferior to the ignorant male African; unworthy to vote with him at the +polls or to sit with him in council. + +PUNCHINELLO is aware that the ladies of Massachusetts had set their +hearts upon rising to the negro level "before the law," and can +therefore appreciate their disappointment; but they ought to have known +that neither the ties of nature, the bonds of wedlock, nor the claims of +intelligence, are of any force in the Home of the Pilgrims, as compared +with the influence of the Ebony Lords of Creation, whoso reign as +sovereigns commenced with the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment. + +The STANTONS, the BLACKWELLS, and the ANTHONYS, the Members of the +Women's Parliament and the Sisters of Sorosis, advocated negro suffrage +with the full expectation of sharing the franchise with PETE and CUFF; +but alas! while these wool-dyed Africans are conducted in triumph to the +ballot-box, _they_ are ignominiously thrust back from it. For this black +wrong there is no colorable pretext. There is not a shade of excuse for +it, and PUNCHINELLO hopes that it will open the eyes of the ladies of +the land, and prevent them henceforth and for ever from placing the +slightest confidence in the gallantry or impartiality of the Puritanic +prigs of New-England. + + * * * * * + +ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS. + +[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.] + +No. III. + +_D._ Now then, father, for that Description of the Telescope! + +_F._ Very well, my child. The great Object of the telescope-- + +_D._ Is the Object-Glass, is it not, father? + +_F._ Come, come, HELENE; no nonsense, now. The great object had in view +by the inventors of the telescope-- + +_D._ Father, don't you mean the Great Object they _expected_ to have in +view, when they got it made; a Distant World, for instance? + +_F._ Pshaw, child! be serious. Don't spoil a good thing by untimely +interjections. They are as mal a propos as a mosquito coming across the +Field of View. + +_D._ I'd rather he'd do that than come across _me!_ + +_F._ Well, HELENE, you are positively exasperating! + +_D._ Not more so than your mosquito. + +_F._ Well, I declare--this is too bad! + +_D._ So is his bite! + +_F._ Well, well; I must walk out and take the air. [_Going_] + +_D._ Yes, pa, (and see that you don't take anything else!) Now, then! +for a grand look for my Charmer! Really, I am getting quite Earthly! +[_Looks through the instrument a few moments_] Why, what is this? Oh, +pshaw! I see! I've got JUPITER by mistake! I mistook one of his Belts +for a new Belt Railroad. It would have been a Big Thing, that railroad; +not less than 75,000 miles long, as I figure it. Perhaps those Belts +_are_ Railroads! Perhaps they have Rings there, as they have at Saturn, +only less conspicuous. JUPITER is rather a Slushy planet, if I am +correct in regard to its Specific Gravity; of about the consistency, +perhaps, of the New-York Poultice Pavement I've been reading about. I +should think that JUPITER'S lack of gravity and consistency would make +him a favorite with Aldermen--not the less for having so many +Satellites. I wonder if the New Charter is the celebrated Magna Charter +under a new name? Probably it is no better. Oh, dear! the annoyance of +living so far away! Nothing here attracts me. The distant, the +unattainable, is all I think or care about! + +F. [_Coming in quietly._] What's that, HELENE, about the charms of +the Unattainable? You don't seem to see any thing very attractive in +MERCURY or MARS! + +_D._ Well, some things may be both unattainable and undesirable. That's +the case with the little thieving god MERCURY, and that big red-skinned +Prize-Fighter, MARS. I can't understand, however, why these disreputable +deities should he worshipped in your favorite New-York. + +_F._ Well, as near as I can see, (a matter of a few million miles, more +or less,) when you speak of Worship, they have more regard there for +Millinery than any thing else. The Christian Religion is based on +Humility, which has Purity and Simplicity for her Handmaids. Look into +some of these New-York churches! see how the jewels glisten, the rich +stuffs fall gracefully in massive folds. Observe the sumptuousness, the +elaborate display! A fine Humility this! Then look at the ceremonial. +Here is a church edifice, belonging to a denomination that assumes to be +Decent and Orderly in ceremony. Is it so in _this_ church? What means +all this tawdriness of color, the crimson, the blue, the gold; what +signify these fantastic designs and figures, these monkey-like +genuflexions; this wilderness of sign and symbol, this elaborate +abasement, this theatrical show of exaltation? This an improvement on +the old dignified simplicity? Do you tell me that childishness, and +prettiness, and pettiness, are valid substitutes for a genuine, manly +modesty and simplicity? + +_D._ (Oh, dear! he's been drinking again! How bitter the Bitters do make +him!) Look! Father, come, quick! Here is a Railroad Accident, such as +you have often wished to see. Two trains have collided, and both have +rolled down an embankment at least seventy feet high! into a river, I do +declare! They are all lost! + +_F._ Do let me see at once, HELENE I [_Looks eagerly._] Ah, yes; all +gone; nothing visible but one smoke-pipe, three stove-pipe hats, four +bits of orange-peel, some pea-nut shells, and thirteen copies of the +_New-York Ledger_. Sad fate! But see! Some dry-goods-no, a young lady +flounders along toward the shore! The bystanders rush up; she is nearly +exhausted; pants rapidly; they congratulate her. A well-dressed young +man approaches. She instantly begins to think of her looks; her hand +flies to her back hair. Heavens! there is so much gone there that she +shrieks in alarm! Her fall in the water has detached her Waterfall! +_That_ gone, every thing is gone! She springs to her feet! Glancing +hurriedly over the watery waste, now plentifully strewn with fans, +little canes, and certain objects which are either mail-bags or +_chignons_, she descries her better part, and with a wild cry, (as when +a mother rescues her babe from tigers,) dashes in and seizes the darling +object! She presses it to her lips, and impetuously breaks for the +shore! Alas! too late, by about ten and a half seconds! "Save it!" she +seems to cry; tosses the wad ashore, and down she goes, with her hand on +the back of her head, her last thoughts, evidently, more or less, +connected with that sympathizing young man on the bank above. + +_D._ Father, you talk like a brute! Have you no feeling? Boo-hoo +hoo-hoo! + +_F._ Child, I am _all_ feeling. Boo-hoo-hoo-too! + + * * * * * + +HORTICULTURAL HINTS. + +KITCHEN GARDEN.--Plant pickles early, if you are up in time; if not, +later. But don't eat them late, unless you are equally fond of +dyspepsia. + +In planting peas, select that kind that does not grow hard and yellow; +that is, unless you supply boarding-houses, or have a government +contract for the supply of shot. + +Grated turnips, mixed with horse-radish, for the table, will assuage +one's grief for one's grandmother. + +Rice-puddings can be grown, ready-made, by sowing rice with cowcumbers. +Try it. + +NURSERY.--Transplant from hot-beds to bath-tub as soon as possible, +using sponge with palm-soap and cold water. Top-dress with comb and +brush. Trim limbs according to age. Train with rods. Much depends on +starting right, so start to school right after breakfast. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A, T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE MADE | + | | + | LARGE ADDITIONS | + | | + | TO ALL THEIR | + | | + | Popular--Stocks | + | | + | Bareges, Organdies, | + | | + | JACONETS, PERCALES, Embroideries, Laces, | + | | + | LADIES AND CHILDREN'S | + | | + | UNDERGARMENTS, | + | | + | Dresses, Sacques, | + | | + | BOURNOUS, SHAWLS, | + | | + | Real India Camels Hair Shawls, | + | | + | 53c EACH AND UPWARDS, | + | | + | PARIS AND DOMESTIC MADE | + | | + | LADIES' HATS, BONNETS, &C | + | | + | AND A VARIETY OF | + | | + | MILLINERY ARTICLES. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A, T, STEWART & CO, | + | | + | OFFER | + | | + | THE MOST EXTENSIVE AND | + | | + | SELECT ASSORTMENT | + | | + | IN THE CITY OF | + | | + | Ladies' and Gentlemen's | + | | + | FURNISHING GOODS | + | | + | AND WILL CONTINUE TO RECEIVE BY EACH AND | + | EVERY STEAMER THE LATEST | + | | + | PARIS AND LONDON NOVELTIES. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. 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Half Chromo, size, 8-3/8 | + | by 11-1/8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for one | + | year, for $4.00. | + | | + | "Wild Roses." Chromo, 12-1/8 by 9, price $3.00, or any other | + | $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for | + | $5.00. | + | | + | "The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16-1/4, price $6.00 or | + | any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, and a copy | + | of the paper for one year, for $6.00. | + | | + | "Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, | + | | + | 18-1/8 by 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and | + | a copy of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four | + | Chromos, and four copies of the paper for one year in one | + | order, for clubs of Four, for $23.00. | + | | + | We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S | + | Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is | + | not satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for | + | clubs to any amount, and to agents. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; | + | the CHROMOS will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money. | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be | + | offered for a limited time only. On receipt of a | + | postage-stamp we will send a copy of No. 1 to any one | + | desiring to get up a club. | + | | + | Address | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: THE LOBBY OF THE FUTURE. + +SHOWING THE WAY IN WHICH ANY GOOD-LOOKING MEMBER OF CONGRESS MAY BE +LIABLE TO "INTERVIEWING" WHEN LOVELY WOMAN SHALL HAVE OBTAINED THE RIGHT +OF SUFFRAGE.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. 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Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp | + | by | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + + Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. + No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. + No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S. W. GREEN. PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 8 *** + +This file should be named 7p10810.txt or 7p10810.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7p10811.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7p10810a.txt + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9962] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on November 5, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 8 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. Nickinson | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalouges of any of our Publishing Houses | + | can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS DEALERS. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY, | + | | + | THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | SUPPLIED BY THE | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These pens are or a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | We recommend for bank and office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 8. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, MAY 21, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the | + | paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of | + | One Dollar, by "Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau | + | Street, New-York City._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | MAY 21, 1870. | + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room. No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Notice to Ladies. | + | | + | DIBBLE, | + | | + | Of 854 Broadway, | + | | + | Has just received a large assortment | + | of all the latest styles of | + | | + | Chignons, Chatelaines, etc., | + | | + | FROM PARIS, | + | | + | Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | + | La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, | + | La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc. | + | | + | At prices varying from $2 upward. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WILL BE READY ON MAY 10 | + | | + | Brigadier-General | + | | + | THOMAS FRANCIS MEAGHER: | + | | + | His Political and Military Career; | + | | + | WITH SELECTIONS FROM | + | HIS SPEECHES AND WRITINGS. | + | BY | + | Capt. W. F. LYONS. | + | | + | It will be printed on fine toned paper, from new type, | + | with an excellent Portrait. | + | | + | One vol., Cloth, extra beveled . . . . $2 00 | + | One vol., Cloth, extra richly gilt . . 2 50 | + | One vol., morocco extra, beveled . . . 5 00 | + | | + | Orders from the Trade and public solicited. | + | | + | D. & J. SADLIER & CO., | + | | + | 31 Barclay Street, N. Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE CELEBRATED | + | [Illustration: TRADE MARK PATENTED 1868] | + | | + | BRAND | + | | + | BLACK ALPACAS! | + | | + | This Brand of ALPACA, on account of its fineness of cloth, | + | and richness of color, has become the Standard Alpaca | + | now used in the United States. | + | | + | These Goods are greatly Improved for the Spring and | + | Summer wear, being of the richest and purest Shade of | + | fast Black, and made of the very finest material, | + | they are absolutely superior to any ALPACAS ever | + | sold in this country, and now are one of the most | + | fashionable and economical fabrics worn. | + | These beautiful Goods are sold by most of the | + | leading Retail Dry-Goods Merchants in all | + | the leading cities and towns throughout all | + | the States. | + | | + | Purchasers will know these Goods, as a | + | ticket is attached to each piece bearing a picture | + | of the Buffalo, precisely like the above. | + | | + | WM. I. PEAKE & CO., | + | | + | 46, 48 & 50 White St., New-York. | + | | + | _Sole Importers of this Brand for the United States._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET, | + | | + | New-York, | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | + | any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | + | calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of which will be issued under date of April | + | 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be _National,_ and not _local,_--and will | + | endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the | + | country; and to that end has secured a | + | | + | VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS | + | | + | in various sections of the Union, while its columns will | + | always open to appropriate first-class literary and artistic | + | talent. PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and | + | witty, without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It | + | will be printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, | + | size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable | + | newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when | + | they see it, or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. | + | Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed | + | Jim in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by | + | leading artists in their respective specialities. | + | | + | The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM | + | A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, | + | both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications can not be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance........................ $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, ten cents, | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for..................... 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for....7.00 | + | | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | New-York. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of all new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents | + | each delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | AT | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | AMERICAN | + | | + | BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last, and greatest | + | improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to | + | all the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES. | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + | $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | + | to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | + | market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | + | purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY SPEAR, | + | | + | STATIONER, PRINTER, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. | + | | + | ACCOUNT BOOKS MADE TO ORDER. | + | | + | PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. | + | | + | 82 Wall Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: COURTESIES IN OUR SUNDAY-SCHOOLS. + +Teacher. "BY THE BY, DEAR, CAN YOU LEND ME A COUPLE OF SMALL PUPILS FOR +ANNIVERSARY, MY CLASS IS SO LITTLE? YOU SHALL HAVE THEM BACK AGAIN NEXT +SUNDAY."] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT CANAL ENTERPRISE. + +[FROM OUR SPECIAL BOSTON CORRESPONDENT.] + +BOSTON, May 8th, 1870. + +We Bostonians are greatly surprised that your valuable journal has as +yet taken no notice of the great undertaking of the century--the Cape +Cod Canal. However, you New-Yorkers are quite out of the world, and +unless you read the Boston _Transcript_ regularly, can not be expected +to know much about the enterprises with which the earnest men of the +nation are occupied. The great Cape Cod Canal is, however, not meant +simply for the benefit of the Bostonian nation, but for the commerce of +the civilized world. It is destined to work a more important revolution +in the trade of Plymouth, Barnstable, and Nantucket, than the Suez or +Darien Canals. + +Of course you are familiar with the peculiar conformation of Cape Cod. +It juts out into the Atlantic like an immense elbow, and, indeed, is +understood to be modelled after the brawny arm of the gallant CHARLES +SUMNER. Vessels passing between ports on the western and those on the +southern coast of Massachusetts, are now obliged to make a wide _detour_ +in order to circumnavigate the Cape. It is now proposed to cut a canal +across the Cape just where it juts out from the mainland, and thus avoid +the tedious circumnavigation. The enormous importance of this work will +be at once perceived. The Canal will be nearly four miles in length, and +will be made of a uniform width of four feet, with a depth of two. This +gigantic undertaking will of course cost an immense amount of time and +money, but under the able supervision of ELKANAH HOPKINS, the gifted +engineer who constructed the board-walk in front of Deacon BREWSTER'S +house, at Standish Four Corners, there can be no doubt of its success. +Advantage will be taken of the duck-pond of Captain JEHOIAKIM BROWN, +which is situated in the course of the proposed canal. By leading the +Canal directly through this pond, at least a quarter of a mile of +excavation will be avoided. M. DE LESSEPS is known to have decided upon +making a similar use of the Bitter Lakes in the construction of his Suez +ditch, after having seen ELKANAH HOPKINS' plans for our great Cape Cod +Canal. Vessels will hereafter pass through this Canal instead of taking +the long voyage around the Cape; and it is believed that the _saving_ +which will be effected in the transportation of cod-fish and garden-sass +by the consequent shortening of the voyage, will be something enormous. +There are those who believe that the Canal will yield a yearly revenue +of from eighty to ninety dollars in tolls alone. It is understood that +the European Governments have already proposed to the Mayors of Boston +and Barnstable to guarantee the neutrality of the Canal in case of war; +but it is not possible that the proposition will be acceded to. +Bostonians should have the exclusive control of this magnificent work, +and the Selectmen of several of our prominent towns have drawn up +petitions against the proposition of neutrality. The opening of the +Canal will be the most splendid pageant of modern times. Mrs. JULIA WARD +HOWE will recite an original poem on the occasion; Mr W. H. MURRAY will +preach a sermon; Mrs. STOWE will read a new paper on BYRON, and the +State authorities will proclaim a solemn day of fasting and festivity. A +procession of ten fishing-schooners, headed by a flat-boat, containing +the Mayors and Selectmen of all the Massachusetts towns, will pass +through the Canal. After this, literary exercises are ended; and the +following month will be devoted to the delivery of an oration by Hon. +CHARLES SUMNER, on "The Classical Ditches of Ancient Times, and their +Influence on the Cause of Truth and Freedom." + +You, and the minor New-York papers, expect to devote most of your space +to this wonderful undertaking. It is more important than any event which +has taken place since the election of Mr. SUMNER to the Senate. It is a +subject which will interest all your earnest readers, who will be +greatly obliged to me for calling your attention to it. + +A FRIEND OF FREEDOM. + + * * * * * + +OLD SAWS RE-SET. + +That must be a pernicious agitation of the circumambient atmosphere, +which conduces not to the benefit of any individual. + +The common table utensil which is too frequently conveyed to the +fountain, to obtain the thirst-slaking beverage, will ultimately become +fractured. + +By devoting our attention chiefly to the smaller copper coin, the larger +denominations represented by paper currency will require no +_surveillance_. + +Persons who inhabit residences composed of a brittle, transparent, +silicious material, should refrain from forcibly casting fragments of +granite, etc. + +When the optic image of a given object is not projected upon the +_retina_ of the visual medium, that object fails to be desired by the +chief vital organ of the human anatomy. + +When the vigilant feline quadruped, frequently observed in the abodes of +man, is absent, the common domestic animal of the _genus mus_ may +indulge in various relaxations of an entertaining nature. + + * * * * * + +Common Pleas. + +Pleas of Temporary Insanity. + + * * * * * + +A Standard Work. + +J. RUSSEL YOUNG'S new paper. + + * * * * * + +Drugs in the Market. + +An English chemist has discovered a process by which wood of any kind +can be dyed a beautiful and permanent violet hue. + +Should that chemist fail to succeed in his profession, he might +profitably turn his attention to writing for the stage, seeing that he +has a decided turn for Dye-a-Log. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Legs have heretofore been inseparable in the public mind from LYDIA +THOMPSON. Her successes have varied inversely as the length of her +trunk-hose. She has built up her reputation by "break-downs," and has +clutched the burlesque diadem with, innumerable bounds of her elastic +legs. Now, however, she has grown weary of offering up her fatted calves +at the shrine of a prodigal New-York audience, and desires to hide the +lightness of her legs under a bustle and crinoline. Wherefore she +exchanges her PIPPIN for a MOSQUITO, and appears in serious instead of +comic burlesque. + +_Mosquito_ is a play written expressly for Miss THOMPSON, by DUMAS +_père_. There is the more reason to believe this assertion, inasmuch as +DUMAS, or somebody else, has already written it expressly for a variety +of other people. It was written for MENKEN, under the title of "_The +Pirates of the Savannah_," some six years since, and was written for +somebody else and played at the Porte St. Martin about seventeen years +ago. We should not be surprised if the "Veteran Observer" of the _Times_ +were prepared to prove that it was written expressly for him about the +year 1775. In view of these facts, no one will regard it as improbable +that it was also written for Miss THOMPSON. Be that as it may, however, +there is no doubt that Miss THOMPSON appeared in it on Monday evening +last, and that the following synopsis is much more accurate than even +the play itself. + +After an overture, performed principally on an exasperating drum, the +curtain rises on a scene in a seaport town in South America, or, to be +exact, in Bolivia. Various disreputable pirates, whose appearance is a +libel on a profession adorned by such men as Captain EYRE and the +managers of cheap American republishing houses, conspire together in +such mysterious words as these: + +_Valderrama (a pirate chief.)_ "To-night we must--" + +_Pierre (a comic pirate.)_ "We will, or--" + +_Val., etc._ "You have your--?" + +_Pierre._ "I have; and--" + +_Both Together._ "S-s-s-s-h. Some one comes. Swear to--" + +_Enter_ LYDIA THOMPSON, _clothed on with crinoline._ (_To various +pirates._) "Well! How's things? Are you still the--?" + +_Various Pirates._ "We are; and if--" + +_Enter_ BRENTANO, _the father of_ LYDIA. _He addresses her in tender +accents._ "Me cheyild, the hour is come. I must away. _(To Valderrama.)_ +Shall we--?" + +_Val., etc._ "We shall. Come, my friend, and--" + +_They come. Scene changes to a lonely glen. Comic Pirate explains to_ +LYDIA _the secret of her birth in terms which leave it more +unintelligible than ever. Various pirates conspire to murder_ BRENTANO. +_Scene again changes to_ BRENTANO'S _garden. Various pirates enter and +shoot the old man. Applause. Somebody sets the house on fire. Enter_ +LYDIA _disguised in boy's clothes. She vows eternal fidelity to_ +VALDERRAMA _The audience wildly welcome her familiar legs, and the +curtain falls amid tempestuous applause and the frantic beating of the +fiendish drum._ + +_Rather Dull Old Gentleman._ "I can't make out what it's all about. Why +does she want to follow VALDERRAMA when she knows he has killed her +father?" + +_Theatrical Person, who has seen the manuscript play._ "Don't you see? +She means to avenge herself by reading the _Nation_ to him, or by +singing Shoo-fly. She'll make his life a burden." + +_Dull Old Gentleman._ "Oh! I see. But will she turn pirate, too?" + +_Theatrical Person._ "By no means. There were no strong-minded women on +the Spanish main. The pirates were bad enough, but they didn't have all +the vices of the present day. She'll go to Paris with VALDERRAMA, and he +will take the title of MARQUIS of FONSECA, and live sumptuously on old +BRENTANO'S money. Just you wait and see." + +_Curtain rises on second act, showing the Hotel Fonseca, at Paris. +Several French noblemen repeat ponderous witticisms to one another. +Enter Miss_ MARKHAM _with clothes on. She represents the icy_ DIANA DE +MAULEON. + +_Diana._ "Mon Doo! there is my lover LEON DE BEAULIEU. I won't have him, +for he ain't rich enough." + +_Leon._ "Mademosel! I love you." + +_Diana._ "Mosshure, what's your name? who are your parents? and what's +your income?" + +_Leon._ "Alas! I have none." + +_Diana._ "Then leave. Ah! Good evening, Mosshure, the MARQUIS DE +FONSECA." + +_Fonseca (aside.)_ "LEON is the son of somebody, I forget who. Never +mind, I'll murder him and marry DIANA." + +_Mosquito (in other words, Lydia Thompson in a dress that shows her +legs.)_ "I love LEON. I must save him. I will save him." + +_Scene changes to an inn on the coast within a few yards of Paris. +Enter_ PIERRE _and other pirates. They conspire to murder_ LEON _and the +French language. Enter_ MOSQUITO _disguised as a serving maid. She +dances, sings, and overhears the plot. Enter_ LEON _in order to be +murdered. By a neat little stratagem_ MOSQUITO _contrives to have the +pirates shoot each other, and saves_ LEON. _Curtain falls, followed by +more maddening performances on the drum._ + +_Dull Old Gentleman._ "I begin to see into it a little; but who is LEON, +and why does FONSECA want to murder him?" + +_Theatrical Person._ "Well, I can't just now remember. It is all cleared +up in the last scene, though. You see, MOSQUITO is the daughter of +BRENTANO, who was killed. She has another father who comes on later. +Somebody else is LEON'S father, and you see FONSECA is the brother--no, +the aunt of PIERRE--no, that's not it precisely--but you'll see." + +_Dull Old Gentleman (doubtfully.)_ "I hope so; but that infernal drum +makes such a noise that I can hardly think. Who is that tall, awkward +woman with the turned-up nose, who plays 'DIANA?'" + +_Theatrical Person._ "Hush, GRANT WHITE is sitting right behind you. +That is Miss MARKHAM, and she is considered to be very handsome. She is +a little awkward in clothes, but she'll get used to them in time." + +_The third act begins. Every body, from the Comic Pirate down to a +Dramatic Writer who is in the play, go to a ball at the Palace Gardens._ +MOSQUITO, _disguised as a Gipsy, dances and tells cheerful fortunes. +Fonseca proposes for_ DIANA'S _hand and roars the subject over in a +private conversation with her father, while he and the old gentleman +stand on opposite sides of the garden. Every body quarrels with every +body else. The Comic Pirate challenges_ LEON _to fight a duel, intending +to murder him._ MOSQUITO, _backed by the_ REGENT _of_ ORLEANS _and the +entire court, stops the duel and denounces_ FONSECA. _The latter tries +to murder her and is shot by the Comic Pirate. Then explanations take +place, by which every body is proved to be the father or daughter of +every body else, and the play is ended by an appropriate suggestion from +the_ REGENT, _that the entire party should engage in a congratulatory +dance._ + +_Dull Old Gentleman._ "Well, I must say I don't understand any thing +about it. I can't even make out the different actors. Who is the rather +pretty, fat woman, dressed like a boy. She don't act a bit, but she +dances nicely." + +_Theatrical Person._ "Why, that is LYDIA THOMPSON. The play was written +for her, you know." + +_Dull Old Gentleman (evidently getting irritable.)_ "All I've got to say +is this, that I don't know which is the worse, she or the play. What is +the stage coming to? In my day we used to have something like acting at +the old Park. Ah, there was PLACIDE, and ELLEN TREE, and--" + +The old gentleman goes slowly out, muttering reminiscences from ancient +history. A tall, intellectual-looking man is seen to withdraw into the +grass-plat in the court-yard, and is there heard to appeal to the +chimney-pots and stars to note the surpassing beauty of the vocal velvet +of the fair MARKHAM. And the undersigned wends his way homeward with the +conviction that _Hamlet_, with the part of HAMLET omitted, would be +intelligible and attractive in comparison with LYDIA THOMPSON and +PAULINE MARKHAM with their legs banished from public view. MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET. + +The great art of Doing others as they would like to Do you has always +commended itself to PUNCHINELLO as a very happy rendering of a certain +fusty old rule which, in its original shape, did very well some nineteen +hundred years ago, but is altogether out of date in these brisk times. +Hence the gambols of the merry bulls in that Broad Street which leadeth +to DIVES palace are just now highly entertaining. In that illustrious +quarter of this amazing metropolis there is a beautiful game going on +which is vastly more interesting to watch than to join in, and this +little game is much as follows: + +A number of the members of that worthy family of undoubted ancestry and +opulence, and known the world over as the "Cliques," have gone into the +dairy business. The cheese-presses are kept and the churning is done in +the big offices by the wayside; but the milking is carried on in a very +Long Room, found, from considerable experience, to be peculiarly adapted +to this profitable line of trade. Now in the pastoral realms of Finance, +it is an odd fact that not only is the milk all cream, and golden cream +into the bargain, but it is sometimes hard to tell which are the +dairy-maids and which are the kindly animals with the crumpled horns +which furnish the lacteal supply which is so particularly sought after. +Of course every body wants as much cream as possible, and all have faith +that, at the nick of time, it will be given to them to milk instead of +the other thing. There is a pleasant amusement known among juveniles as +"SIMON says up," etc. This is the very milk in the stock-market +cocoanut. When some great member of the big Clique family cries "DANIEL +says up," and every body shouts by mistake "DANIEL says down," then the +Long Room does a very huge business indeed, and the number of cheeses +made is marvellous to relate. When, on the contrary, Clique says "down," +and the crowd cries "up," and it really should be up, then the great +Clique discover that their dairy-maids have become the other thing, and +that all the cheese is going the other side of the way. This is +exceedingly damaging to the Clique firm; and as it is very painful +indeed to be the other thing, since it makes sore heads and brings on a +tendency to "bust," requiring much careful nursing to recover from the +effect, the Clique family is always careful to arrange every thing in a +manner that shall best insure the monopoly of the lacteal element to +itself. + +At present the Cliques have made, most excellent provisions. It is a +rule that nothing so stimulates the production of cream in the financial +pastures as that curious esculent the greenback. Oddly enough, also, +although this esculent la greatly sought after by the other useful +animals in Uncle SAM'S plantation, yet, from one and another cause, vast +quantities of this exhilarating food have been amassed in and around the +banks of Wall street--those banks where the woodbine vainly twineth, and +by whoso side our allegory unhappily lies. With plenty of greenbacks, +therefore, to make every one gay and festive, with the pumps hard at +work to keep the stocks well watered, and with all sorts of devices to +lead the Street family (and a very low but ambitious and prolific family +it is) to cry "up" when DANIEL says "down," the jubilant Cliques have +set their mind upon a thriving Spring business. + +PUNCHINELLO gazes down upon the game with equal and serene mind. Since +all wish to milk and not to be the other thing, and as it is not clear +which is going to be which, he is content to watch the cheeses as they +come from the press, and to declare that they at least are seemly and +good to behold. If PUNCHINELLO could only believe that the Street family +was likely to succeed, he would certainly doff his cap to them. Success +is beautiful. It is to Do others as they would Do you. That is the +Nineteenth Century. It is, therefore, sublime. One gets exhausted in +hurrahing for the Cliques. They are always getting the best of it. But +the Street people need encouragement. It is not pleasant to be the other +thing. And if the bloated Clique party are not some time brought to a +turn, the day will come when we shall find all Clique and no cheese--a +consummation devoutly _not_ to be wished for! + + * * * * * + +"Too Much for Good Nature," + +The acting at Wood's Museum. + + * * * * * + +A Question for the "Veteran Observer," + +Who was the "Oldest Inhabitant"--Old PARR, or old Grand Par? + + * * * * * + +Miss-Conductors. + +The young ladies who bring back the Trains. + + * * * * * + +FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE. + +[BY ATLANTIC CABLE.] + +GREAT BRITAIN. + +Having a peculiar privilege as the correspondent of PUNCHINELLO, I was +on the floor of the House of Commons when Mr. GLADSTONE made his short +speech, on the 25th, about England and possessions. I was standing by +the O'DONOHUE when the Minister said, "_A free and voluntary contract is +the only basis for continued union._" I whispered to O'DONOHUE--Good for +Ireland! He did me the honor to repeat it aloud; but the Minister's +answer was not heard. + +Mr. EASTWICK had just been making a speech about "tightening colonial +relations." The _Press Ass_ made this charge somebody or other with +"making tight the Colonel's relations." It was just like that fellow. I +only succeeded by chance in saving him from sending across some stuff +about the Cardinal Archbishop of CRANBERRY, instead of CHAMBERY. I got a +dispatch from, him quoting the _Virago_ of Paris--meaning the _Figaro_, +of course. And then that _Schema_; a Sphinx could not have made it more +of a puzzle, whether he meant that the bishops voted that the Pope +should be _deified_, or _defied_, or that the _de fide_ should pass by +their vote. + +CYRUS W. FIELD has been here, in communication with AIRY, the astronomer +Royal, about a telegraph to the moon. A lunatic observation makes it wax +plain that it will not be in wane to attempt it. STOKES and HUGGINS, +moreover, have been taking views of people through the spectroscope. +_Absorption bands_ are very striking in the _spectra_ of the ROTHSCHILDS +and other bankers. _Bright lines_ are seen in TENNYSON and WILLIAM +MORRIS; _dark lines_ in SWINBURNE. + +Gaseous substances are shown to exist in certain bodies and people; a +great deal of gas was discovered in VICTOR HUGO. Traces of iron are +visible in NAPOLEON III; and still more, at the last observations, n +BISMARCK. VICTOR EMMANUEL had more of the phosphorus; the Pope, of +sulphur; the PRINCE of WALES, of mercury; the editor of the _Times_, of +lead. GARIBALDI and MAZZINI have a carbon-ari appearance through the +instrument; with some look of nitrous incandescence, also. Laughing-gas +is evidently abundant in PUNCH. + +The Lords of the Admiralty have observed that Mr. HALE has proposed in +Congress a 16 million bill for a new American navy. It will be at once +proposed to the House of Commons that 32 millions be spent in iron-clads +here. And the Cabinet of the French Emperor have already prepared their +little bill, demanding of the _Corps Legislatif_ a sum of sixty-four +millions for monster ships. All this is, of course, encouraging. Mr. +HALE had better try again, + +Of course you have heard of the great Fenian raid, which really is to +come off. You know there are immense amounts of vegetables and other +provender brought to London from the Continent every day. Now a large +number of sworn Fenians are to go to Holland and learn Dutch, so that +they can go over disguised as petty dealers in food, get to London armed +with revolvers, and carry off the Queen! As the Fenians always do +exactly what they promise to do, this may be relied upon as certain to +happen. It is said that the Queen is studying Dutch as an amusement; +which may be very convenient on the way; she can expostulate with them +better in Dutch than in Irish. + +From GERMANY, we learn that JANAUSCHEK is coming to London to play in +English. Also that a ballet corps is coming over to dance in Spanish, +and an opera troupe, to sing phonographically, in Hindoostanee. A new +opera, by BALFE, is spoken of; subject, the Tower of Babel. This was +suggested by the Ecumenical Council; where some body must have been +LISET-ening. + +A World's Congress of Croquet Players will be held next month at Baden. +They will not hold their debates in Latin. Among the points discussed +will be, whether it is allowable to pop the question on the croquet +ground. Old maids are quoted as thinking that it distracts the game. +Younger ones would consider it allowable in certain cases. + +What people some travelling Americans are! There is one _nouveau riche_ +from New-York, who has been going about all over Germany, asking every +body for the sculptor--he thinks his name was METTERNICH--whose most +famous work was the _Status quo_! He wants one of these, he says, for +his _jardin des plantes_; which is going to be as big as the one near +Paris. He has also heard of the Marquis of BUTE; and wants to buy one or +two of his things; because somebody once read to him, out of a +copy-book, that "a thing of Bute is a joy forever." I have not time to +tell you, today, about my late interview with the Pope. --PRIME + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +EVERY MAN HIS OWN POLICEMAN. + +EXEMPLIFIED BY THE FOLLOWING DESIGNS OF PUNCHINELLO'S PATENT ARMOR. + +OPEN CASE. + +IN CASE OF ASSASSIN. + +IN CASE OF STAGE ACCIDENT. + +IN CASE OF PICK-POCKET. + +IN CASE OF MAD BULL.] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORT-FOLIO. + +Upon opening our mail, the other morning, a communication signed +"Tragedian," purporting to come from the father of three boys, (each +remarkable in his way,) particularly attracted our attention. He stated +with peculiar succinctness some singular developments of genius in the +second of these prodigies, which do not always accompany such tender +adolescence. "But twelve years old!" exclaims the enraptured parent, +"and yet my FRITZ has produced a tragedy in three acts, entitled 'The +Drewid's Curse.' No less a judge than our leading town lawyer, squire +MANGLES, was so kind as to say that such an instance of the histrionic +flux in a child of FRITZ'S years, was utterly unparalleled. If +PUNCHINELLO could find space for a few specimens of the 'Curse,' they +shall be cheerfully furnished." + +(It might as well be stated here that curses of this character are +already quite abundant, and that PUNCHINELLO can not find space for any +of them. Still a kind word may not be misunderstood.) + +To the son of a man who spells "Druid" with a "_w_," all things must be +possible, from a hangman's noose to a Presidential nomination, and the +danger to be apprehended in this case is, that some of "Tragedian's" +posterity may slip into one or the other of them. A parental raid upon +all the pens, ink and paper that could possibly come within the reach of +a youth whose soul revels in Druidical reminiscences, is the only +effective remedy which at present occurs to us. The "histrionic flux" is +a kindred disease, and would, of course, be susceptible of the same +treatment. + + * * * * * + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I am not mad, but to you, alone, I confide the secret +of my sanity. Nevertheless I thirst for blood. + +Feelings over which I have no control, render it imperative that I +should shoot somebody. Precisely who may be the victim of this +insatiable desire, fate alone can decide. I propose some day next week +to commence a general fusilade from the windows of my office upon the +passers-by. My sole security in this affair, is a maiden aunt now in the +Lunatic Asylum. I look with confidence to her malady as my triumphant +vindication. My object in writing to you is to ask whether, in your +opinion, the fact is sufficient to _guarantee_ a verdict of "Not +Guilty," in case I am prosecuted for murder, or whether an unscrupulous +jury could sacrifice me to the unsettled condition of the popular mind +on the subject of justifiable insanity. Yours sanguinarily, + +--RABIES. + +PUNCHINELLO expresses his opinion in reference to the above letter with +great reluctance. He fears that if he gives his advice according to his +real convictions, he may be overrun with similar applications, and if he +gives advice that he doesn't feel, he will condemn "RABIES" to the +mortification of the gallows. He therefore takes a middle course, and +observes that the possession of an aunt in the Lunatic Asylum is +certainly strong presumptive evidence that her nephew is no better than +she is. Here in New-York, it would be difficult to upset such evidence, +but elsewhere the result might be different. "RABIES" gives no clue to +his whereabouts. PUNCHINELLO, therefore, presumes that he does not +contemplate murder here. Very well, then, it would be unadvisable to +kill any one, until at least two respectable physicians could testify +that either before or after the act they had called upon "RABIES," fully +interviewed him on the subject of the maiden aunt, and found that the +slightest allusion to her was productive of any of the following +phenomena: + + +1st. Sudden and violent twitching of the eyes. + +2d. Discoloration of the veins of the nose, resulting in an appearance +abnormally rubicund. + +3d. Manifestations of extravagant thirst, which water could not satisfy. + +4th. Tendency to reach for his boot-straps, as if with the view of +lifting himself by the same. + +5th. Rapid rise of the pulse from 50 to 500--say within the space of ten +seconds. + +6th. Shoo-fly! movement of the hand toward the cheek as if some thing +had alighted there, and patient were trying to rub it off. + +7th. The presence of a cicatrix on the left temple (This is a most +irrefutable proof of insanity). + +8th. Psychological developments indicative of "moral alienation." + +9th. Gangrenous condition of the tongue, proceeding from a disordered +liver, and mysteriously communicated to the brain. + +10th. Any symptoms going to show that patient might mistake another +man's wife for his own. + +11th. Discovery at the last moment that patient's father suffered +himself to be hung for murder. + +PUNCHINELLO offers these as the accepted _data_ by which RABIES may +measure his chances for life in case he executes his avowed purpose, +but I would impress upon him the fact that these are necessary _outside_ +of New-York only. Here proof of the lunacy of the maiden aunt would be +sufficient. + + * * * * * + +UNCLE SAMUEL + +To His Lit-tle Lads in Con-gress. + +[A LESSON IN EASY WORDS OF ONE SYLLABLE.] + + My lads! I will be plain with, you: + I am not pleased with all you do. + I hate to scold, and yet I must; + And you will take it well, I trust. + + When first I saw you, nice and clean, + It was a sight to show the Queen! + I was an ass to like you so; + But where we _wish_ to like, we do. + I should have known it could not be; + For luck, of late, is gone from me. + No more I see the good old times + When fools were fools, and crimes were crimes, + And boys and men had work to do, + And did not play till work was through. + The times have changed; so have the boys! + I know this, when I hear your noise, + And note your slack work, day by day; + Each lad must have his own small way, + If it is but to loaf and loll, + Or else, not to come in at all, + Or not to care for what is done + If so be it can yield no fun, + Or else, to be as coarse and rough, + As rash and rude, and grum and gruff, + As though it were some bear that spoke, + Whom all the world must long to choke. + + For shame, my lads! I let you draw + All I can spare to you by law; + Each lad of you takes all he can, + But not a soul acts like a man! + What do you _do_, for such fine pay? + What have you done these five months? Say! + You know you ought to do some good; + The friends that sent you, think you should. + Have you no pride, no sense! In fine, + Why do you waste their time and mine? + + If it could move you, I'd tell how + The boys that sat where you sit now + Once _earned_ their pay, and got the name + Of fine, brave lads! But you!--for shame! + Boys, I could thrash you all, I fear! + + It may be, times will change, this year-- + Your friends all tire of you, I know, + And what, if they should let you go! + The school, through you, has such a name + All good men feel a kind of shame; + They feel the world must laugh, at last-- + The world that could not scorn the past! + + Oh, think of that, my lads! I see + You do not mean to turn from me. + From _me_, your best of friends? Oh, no! + I may seem grave, and dull, and slow. + But you and I, my lads, are one! + Your fame, your blame, I can not shun. + Much have I borne for you, of late; + But you are small, and I am great! + + * * * * * + +A Reflection for Recorder Hackett. + +The GRAHAM bread bakers are useful members of the community, but the +same can not be said of GRAHAM bred lawyers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRITICAL INTELLIGENCE. + +_Able Critic._ "BUT WHAT SORT OF A CREATURE IS THAT UPON WHICH THE YOUNG +WOMAN STANDS?" + +_Artist (who likes to "sell" bores.)_ "O! THAT'S A GONOPH." + +_Able Critic._ "AH! YES. I THOUGHT SO." _(And he wonders what in thunder +a "gonoph" is.)_] + + * * * * * + +A SONG OF THE NEW BABEL. + +[_Dedicated with sentiments of the most inexpressible respect to the +Members of the Forty-First Congress._] + + I. + + Oh! who, for any payment auriferous or argent, + Would undertake to do the work that Mr. Speaker does-- + With nobody to help him except the trembling Sergeant, + While still begin and never end the shout and scream and buzz? + Oh, never any where, save in desert groves Brazilian, + Was ever heard such endless and aimless gabble yet. + For there the tribes of monkeys to the number of a million, + Screech and chatter without ceasing, from the sunrise to the set. + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + II. + + O strength of tongue how awful! O power of lungs how mighty! + Whence draw ye, honest gentlemen, your constant wind supply? + Whence comes your inspiration, belligerent or flighty? + Your common-place that grovels and your metaphors so high? + Pray, why not try, for novelty, a kind of solo speaking? + One man upon his legs--only one upon the floor? + For eloquence,'tis possible, does not consist in shrieking, + And really where's the argument in all this thundering roar? + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + III. + + The country listens sadly to the racket most distressing, + And wonders, in its bother, if e'er the time will come + When the Fates and Constitution will vouchsafe to us the blessing + Of a House of Representatives completely deaf and dumb; + Or if, perhaps, in exile these noisy mischief-makers, + The stream of elocution run most fortunately dry, + In seats of legislation, rows of ruminating Quakers + May shake their heads for "Nay" and may nod their heads for "Aye." + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + IV. + + But if these mighty nuisances we cannot stop or flee 'em, + If past all other remedy the sounding evil reaches, + Oh, why not send for GILMORE of the Boston Coliseum, + That he may drill the Members in a chorus to make speeches? + Then shall stop the fierce _rencontre_--shall cease the idle rating; + Then debates shall he no longer without a head or tail; + And while the power of song every soul is demonstrating, + Each member cherubimical will scorn to rant or rail. + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + V. + + But if for solo speaking Members still feel an avidity; + If they burn to make orations of most uncommon zest, + Let them just take our precaution against intense stupidity! + Let them study PUNCHINELLO and learn how to make a jest; + But away with dreams chimerical and projects vain, though clever! + The power of tongue's proportionate to wondrous length of ear; + The beast that carried BALAAM is as garrulous as ever, + And still the lobby listener must be content to hear + Rap! rap! rap! + To quell the rising clamor; + Order! order! order! + Hammer! hammer! hammer! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BARNACLES ON OUR COMMERCE. + +_Intelligent Foreigner._ "WHY ARE ALL THESES AMERICAN SHIPS +LYING IDLE IN THEIR DOCKS, SIR, INSTEAD OF EARNING MONEY AT +SEA?" + +_Despondent Ship-owner._ "IT'S ALL THE BARNACLES, SIR. NO +SHIP CAN SAIL WITH THEM ON, AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE +GOING TO GET THEM OFF."] + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +Just as usual, WILSON had another little scheme on hand. There was no +money in it--nothing but a little Massachusetts glory. It was to set +apart a day to decorate the graves of the Union dead. Mr. WILSON +remembered that it would have been more consonant to his own feelings to +confine the ornamentations to the graves of colored men and the men of +Massachusetts. But for the sake of peace and harmony he was willing to +decorate all round. + +Mr. GARRETT DAVIS suggested that it didn't make any difference whether +they set apart a day or not. If people wished to decorate, they would +decorate, and if they didn't, they wouldn't. + +Mr. DRAKE said Mr. DAVIS'S hands were dripping with loyal gore. + +Mr. DAVIS said he would reply to that insinuation the first leisure week +he had. In the meantime he contented himself with hurling the foul +slander back into Mr. DRAKE'S teeth, if Mr. DRAKE had any. + +Lest Mr. DAVIS should execute his threat of making a speech, the Senate +referred the subject. + +Then there was a first-class wrangle about giving pensions to Mrs. +LINCOLN and Mrs. RAWLINGS. It was represented that Mrs. LINCOLN was +given up to riotous living upon pumpernickel and ganzebroost, at a +German watering-place, and that there was a rumor afloat that unless +Congress pensioned her at once, she might marry a German prince. Mr. +SHERMAN, on behalf of the Finance Committee, represented that German +princes were notoriously expensive and impecunious, and that it would be +much cheaper to pension Mrs. LINCOLN alone than to pension her and a +German prince together. He submitted some statements, showing what it +had cost Great Britain to have German princes marrying into the Royal +family. The Senate, therefore, incontinently passed the bill. + +Mr. Morrill introduced a neat little swindle, which does equal credit to +his hand and heart, providing that the United States should have the +free use of all patents granted under it. He said this was to discourage +that pernicious class of men, the inventors. In many branches of +industry, such as arms, the Government was the only customer of the +inventor. In those cases, the inventor's gray hairs would be brought +immediately to the grave. And inasmuch as the Government had a finger in +almost every body's pie, the future FULTONS and GOODYEARS would starve +to death before the completion of their diabolical devices. + +Some land-grabs were rushed through, when Mr. SAULSBURY objected. He +said nobody made any thing out of this except the Western Senators. He +called upon the men of the Eastern States to stand up for their share. +He had a little game in the interest of his own constituents. It was no +chimerical railway. It was a good, substantial, practical concern. He +demanded six million acres in behalf of the Delaware Balloon Navigation +Company. If this demand were not complied with, it would show that the +Senate were actuated by the basest personal motives. + +HOUSE. + +The gentle JULIAN insisted upon proposing his sixteenth or seventeenth +amendment. He said that he understood several women intended to vote, +and he introduced this to preserve his domestic peace. + +Mr. JENCKES, for the forty-fifth time, called up his Civil Service bill. + +Mr. BUTLER, for the thirty-seventh time, introduced a bill to annex San +Domingo. + +Mr. KELLEY and Mr. SCHENCK raved a neat but not new duett, "Give us +Tariff or give us Death." + +Mr. LOGAN gave a fine rendering of his famous bass solo, "The Tariff be +Hanged." + +Mr. SCHENCK intimated that Mr. LOGAN was an insect. At first he said he +was a pismire, but the Speaker said pismire was not parliamentary, and +he modified it to grasshopper. + +Mr. KELLEY said that he took his stand upon American pig-iron, for which +our fathers fought and bled. Did they never hear of Valley Forge? Our +fathers suffered in that forge for the sake of protecting their children +in the right to smelt in other forges. He said that the man who could +smelt two pigs of iron where only one was smelted before, was a public +benefactor. + +Mr. COX said he could not smelt a pig, but he thought he smelt a rat. + +Mr. JENCKES said he thought his Civil Service bill would tend to +diminish stealing. + +Mr. PETERS said he would oppose it for that very reason. He wished to +reward his friends. It was no reward for a man who stood by his country +in her hour of peril, to be given an office in which he had to work for +a living. What patriot would not be disgusted by the ingratitude of a +country which dared to insult him like that? There was nothing in this +bill to prevent a man dripping with loyal gore from holding office, if +he was honest and intelligent; whereas, one of his, Mr. PETERS'S +staunchest supporters might be refused an office, if he had the +misfortune to be dishonest and dull. The notion of making "capacity and +integrity" a qualification for office-holding was unprecedented, and was +preposterous. If things went on in this way, even members of Congress +would be compelled to do something for their pay. Now he preferred to +administer the public service on the good old principle they all had +practised, of "You tickle me and I'll tickle you." + + * * * * * + +NOTES FROM CHICAGO. + +The Garden City seems to be in a quiescent state at present. There is no +startling divorce case on the _topis_, and the main portion of the Court +House has not yet fallen in, and Mr. H.'s wife has not recently +surprised him in any well-matured plan for putting a _quietus_ upon her +existence. Domestic felicity is unusually prevalent. The scarlet-fever +and measles have prevailed to a somewhat alarming extent; but the most +contagious of all has been the _French_ fever. This malady seems to have +spread amongst all classes; the fashionable and the unfashionable, the +strong-minded and the frivolous. French teachers swarm like bees, here, +there, and every where, and all speaking the purest Parisian French; +even Mons. L'HARMONIQUE, who comes from that wee little town in Canada, +where the Canucks "most do congregate." But he says "the Americans do +love so much humbug," that he gives them their fill of that article. + +We have had French parties, French plays, French lectures. We read +French, speak French, sing French, and look French; and, if you are so +barbarously ignorant as not to understand that language, why, you might +just as well retire for an old fossil or petrifaction. You're obsolete, +that's all; as much behind the times as RIP VAN WINKLE himself, after +his memorable sleep. English is out of date here--a relic of the Dark +Ages. Fashionable ladies return from Paris, bringing with them +accomplished _bonnes_, and every one is prohibited from speaking a word +of English to the children; but, in spite of every precaution, the +vulgar little creatures will drop the musical foreign tongue, and speak +their own native language. They are christened ADÈLE, MARIE, or CLAIRE; +the SUSANS, MARYS, and ELLENS having ceased to exist. + +Parisian fashions, of course, reign triumphant, and the pretty young +girls in French frizzes and furbelows, shrug their fair white shoulders +exactly as they see "that elegant Madame DE----" do, and gesticulate +with what they imagine to be the true French grace and vivacity. They +all have a charming young teacher, with whom they carry on a most +romantic flirtation, that of course means nothing; and each one of these +fair students, (who conscientiously puts a "g" to every termination +possible, and who says _monseer_,) will tell you, with a complacent +smile, that Professor ---- considers her pronunciation unusually +excellent. They are all studying in the blissful anticipation of a trip +to Paris, where they will be presented to the Empress in yellow satin +gowns, and then, when they return, how eagerly will they be sought by +the fashionable young snobs, who long will see upon their fair brows the +reflection of imperial glory. That is, if the dark-eyed ROMEOS abroad +allow them ever to return to their native country. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. GLAUBER, DRUGGIST, WHO HAS HAD A DISPUTE WITH HIS +SIGN-PAINTER, IS NOT AWARE THAT THE LATTER HAD COME IN THE NIGHT, AND +TRANSPOSED THE LETTERING OF HIS NEW SIGN-BOARD. THIS ACCOUNTS FOR THE +COMPLACENCY OF MR. G., AS HE VIEWS THE CROWDS OF PEOPLE OVER THE WAY WHO +STOP TO GAZE AT IT.] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY, + +Order-Reptilia. + +SPECIES-BULLFROG. + +Although the batrachian is of the genus _bufo_, he is by no means a +_buffo_ genius. He may be styled the solemn organist of the swamp; +slough music being his specialty. Like other out-door performers on wind +instruments, he is chiefly heard in pleasant weather, and during the +summer his organ is without stops. Being a Democrat, he appreciates the +dignity of labor, and consequently is not ashamed to blow his own +bellows. + +Winter shuts the bull-frog up like a four-bladed jack-knife, and he does +not open until the blades are started by the Spring. He seldom leaves +his mud bivouac for active service before April, but a Forward March +sometimes induces him to move earlier. As a rule, however, the smaller +varieties of the species begin to ply their bog-pipes some weeks before +he volunteers a voluntary. + +Originally, this member of the Frog family had no surname, but about two +thousand years ago, in consequence of his disastrous failure in an +attempt to rival a male animal of the bovine species, the prefix "bull" +was incorporated with his patronymic by a crooked little Greek. The +name, however, more appropriately belongs to the Horned Frog of Sumatra. + +The habits of the Bull-Frog are believed by observant naturalists to be +strictly temperate, although there is a rumor afloat that he has been +seen Over the Bay in New-Jersey. It is suspected, however, that the +originators of the story were persons who visited that State to avoid +the restrictions of the Sunday liquor-law, and consequently saw as +through a glass darkly. Be that as it may, it is certain that this +species of reptiles (unlike the "paragon of animals,") is never too +drunk to navigate. + +Mankind is deeply indebted to the Bull-Frog. We should never have known +how to keep our heads above water but for their example, and, though Mr. +CHASE may not be aware of the fact, their greenbacks were the first that +ever issued from the Banks of America. Naturally, therefore, they are in +advance of SALMON, and, long before he put our currency on its present +footing, the hinder limb of a bull-frog was a legal tender. + +The frog exists in most parts of the world, and at one time all the +varieties of the species were Plaguily abundant in Egypt. They were +introduced there to punish the people for their rascality, and appeared +in such numbers among the Egyptian blacklegs that they stopped the game +of PHARAOH. There is nothing poetic in the aspect of the frog. It is +simply a tenaqueous bag of wind, yet it has occasionally given an +impulse to the divine _afflatus_. We have it on the authority of the +celebrated traveller Count SMORLTORK that the distinguished Mrs. LEO +HUNTER, once wrote an "Ode to a Perspiring Frog." + +The costume of a Bull-Frog consists of a green coat with yellow vest and +brownish breeches, and when he requires a change of uniform, he pulls +off the old one and swallows it. This fact has been doubted; but why +should It be deemed incredible? Are there not parallel cases in the +human family? GOLDSMITH tells us that he once lived for a fortnight on +his coat and waistcoat; and every pawnbroker knows that a cast-off suit +often furnishes the material for a family dinner. Why should not a frog +sustain life with his Pants as well as a Christian? + +Common brown frogs are good baits for FISH in most of the counties in +this State; but when you go to HAMILTON try the greenbacks. + +The unlicked cubs of the batrachian family are known (irrespective of +sex) as Pollywogs, and are the meanest of all the reptile race except +the radical Scaliwags. They are all heads and tails, and then, not the +toss of a copper to choose between the two ends, as regards hideousness. +The manner in which the tails are gradually developed into legs is very +curious, but, as this is not a Caudal lecture, it is unnecessary to +describe the process. + +It has been metrically stated that the fast young batrachian goes a +wooing in an Opera hat, irrespective of his mother's consent, but this +assertion is not borne out by BUFFON or CUVIER, and maybe set down as a +_lapsus lyrea_. Upon the whole the Bull-Frog, though harmless as a lamb, +is nearly as stupid as a donkey, which accounts for his taking up his +abode among Morasses, when he might dwell in the woods with the turtle +and "feel like a bird." Furthermore, and finally, the subject is a +slippery one and difficult to handle, and, therefore, with this remark +we drop it. + + * * * * * + +A Clerical Error. + +A PRESBYTERIAN clergyman, the Rev. CHARLES B. SMYTHE, has been +scandalizing a community in New-Jersey by putting gin in his milk, and +that on a Sunday afternoon. From the rebuke administered to Rev. SMYTHE +by the authorities of his church, it appears that his case must have +been a very aggravated one. They admonished him to "walk more correctly +in future;" the inference to be drawn from which is that the amount of +milk-punch, outside of which Rev. SMYTHE had placed himself, was +sufficient to impart a stagger to his gait. + + * * * * * + +Right to a T. + +The employment of Chinese laborers to build railroads is very suggestive +of a well-known product of the Celestial Empire, since railroad tracks +are usually laid with T rails. + + * * * * * + +"What's in a Name?" + +Letters of the Alphabet. + + * * * * * + +A Be-Knighted Set. + +The Canadian Government. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Anxious Inquirer_. Can you give me any clue to the whereabouts of +Collector BAILEY? I have advertised repeatedly for information +concerning him without the slightest success. + +N.B. PUNCHINELLO begs to give notice that he doesn't keep a detective +police agency, but the gentleman in question is said to be in _Esse_. + +_Economist_. Is a gentleman who invites a lady to the theatre obliged to +hire a carriage to take her in? + +_Answer_. Not at all. He can Take her In by not keeping his appointment, +or--he can charter an omnibus if he likes. + +_Vinous_. Can you give me any information about high wines and dry +wines? Can wines be high and not dry, or both high and dry, or how? +Please explain. Was HENRI do BOURBON the last of the Bourbons? + +_Answer_ I. DELMONICO'S _Clos Vouguet_ at $16 per bottle is a high wine +but not a dry wine. It might be, though, if it wasn't wet. II. Not by a +good many. + +X. Please, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, who were CASTOR and POLLUX? + +_Answer_. Twins. (By Gemini you ought to have known that!) + +_Scissors_. Where can I have access to old files of the leading +news-papers? + +_Answer_. In the editorial rooms of the same. You must be brief, +however, as their time is valuable, and these Old Files are apt to be +crusty, if bored. + +_Old Salt_. How can sea-sickness be avoided? + +_Answer_. By never going to sea. + +_Linnaeus_. Does a knowledge of botany necessarily involve a knowledge +of square root and cube root? + +_Answer_. Our correspondent is evidently trying to quiz us. PUNCHINELLO +will pay no attention to levity of this sort. + +_Claude_. I desire to make a few presents to a young lady who is +intellectual but very timid. What shall I give her? + +_Answer_. Presents of Mind. + +_M.C._ I am going to buy a new faro-table for my place up-town--you know +where. What is the best shape and material? + +_Answer_. A Square Deal table generally suite _players_ the best. + +_Williams_. No, sir; the term Fiscal year has no reference to Col. FISK, +Jr. + +_Gardener_. Haydn's Book of Dates is not a Horticultural book. + +_Byron, Jr_. Your verses would be much better if you would pay less +attention to your Feet and more to your Head. + +_M.J.B._ Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Our darling little pet, Tinkums, is not +well, and does nothing but cry all night, to Charlie's great vexation. +What will stop the little darling's crying? + +We would suggest a hot pitch plaster directly over the mouth--that is, +if the child was in the house with us. + + * * * * * + +Ego Sum. + +I am some. (Pumpkins understood.) + + * * * * * + +The Milky Way. + +The road from Orange County. + + * * * * * + +Edwin to Emma. + +Flax Vobiscum. + + * * * * * + +SAILING DIRECTIONS + +FOR ENTERING AND LEAVING YOKOHAMA BAY. + +From our special correspondent if Washington we have received the +following Special Order of the Navy Department, directing United States +men-of-war how to approach and leave Yokohama: + +SPECIAL ORDER NO. 999. + +In consequence of the late disaster to the U.S. sloop Oneida, the +following rules are hereby published for the guidance of vessels of war +approaching the Bay of Yokohama: + +I. On making the land, or if at night, on striking the soundings, all +hands will be called to prayers. + +II. After prayers all boats will be lowered and towed astern, to be out +of the way of damage. + +III. The gunner, under direction of the executive officer, will dismount +all guns, and strike them into the hold. The reasons for this action +will be at once apparent to commanders of vessels, when they reflect +that, in case of collision, the guns would be useless as signals, owing +to the extraordinary deafness of the officers belonging to the +Peninsular and Oriental Mail Steamship Company; and a reference to the +details of the Oneida's disaster will show the danger of the guns +breaking loose and destroying human life. They will, therefore, be at +once stowed in the hold. + +IV. On entering the bay, the helm must be kept amidships. The rule of +the road, according to English interpretation, is so difficult of +comprehension that the above is by far the safest plan. + +V. Each officer and man will be directed to secure upon his person such +valuables belonging to him as he can conveniently carry. + +VI. Finally, it shall be the duty of the commander to see that all hands +are provided with life-preservers. + +VII. The same rules will apply to vessels leaving Yokohama and +proceeding to sea. + +VIII. Having taken the above precautions, vessels may stand boldly into +the bay, and in case they are run into and sunk by any other vessel (say +for example one of the Peninsular and Oriental Company's ships) their +officers and men will stand some little chance of saving their lives. +But should all precautions fail, the gallant crew will be no doubt +greatly consoled, as they sink to their graves, by the reflection that a +pious Congress will pass resolutions of sympathy for their widows and +orphans. + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR PROTECTION. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: I like your paper, though it is altogether too light +and trifling in its treatment of serious subjects. Besides, it never +treats of any thing serious. This won't do. The earnest men and women of +the nation require something better at your hands. I have an essay on +the "Origin of Evil," which I forward to you by this mail, and which, +when published, will give an entirely different character to your +journal. I want you, moreover, to advocate our American doctrine of +Protection. Even our ablest statesmen, KELLEY, GREELEY, and DANIEL +PRATT, have never carried this doctrine far enough. They are willing to +protect American iron-masters by prohibiting the introduction of foreign +iron, but why don't they protect American laborers by forbidding foreign +workmen to land on our shores? I demand protection for the native +ditcher. Forbid the Irishmen to land here and to lower the price of +labor by competing with our own ditch-diggers. Put a stop to the influx +of German tailors and bootmakers, who prevent native artists from +earning the wages that would otherwise be theirs. Protect our authors by +prohibiting the sale of works written by foreigners. Keep all foreign +pictures out of the country, and give our own POWELLS and ROSSITERS a +chance. And, above all, protect our American girls by preventing any +pretty English, French, or German girls from coming in competition with +them. These foreign girls bring their pretty faces here and glut the +matrimonial market. The fewer the marriageable girls, the higher their +market value. We protect iron-workers, and decline to protect our own +daughters. This is an outrage. Shall we prevent the railroad companies +from laying rails made of foreign iron, and permit husbands to marry +foreign wives? Every patriotic and protectionist instinct revolts +against it. I want you to take this matter up. Let us have no more +foreign manufactures, foreign iron, foreign books, foreign laborers, or +foreign girls. This is the true American system, and I look to you to +aid in carrying it out. MOTHER CAREY. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO IS SORRY. + +Alas! it is with tears in his eyes, albeit unaccustomed to such humor, +that PUNCHINELLO condoles with the ladies of Massachusetts on the defeat +of the proposition to endow them with the right of suffrage. The Puritan +Patriots in the State Legislature, who unanimously recognize the "inborn +right" of the black field-hands of South Carolina and Georgia to make +laws for the white women of the Republic, have scornfully denied, by a +vote of 133 to 68, that the white women aforesaid have any political +rights at all; thus officially proclaiming to the world that they +consider their wives, their daughters, and the mothers that bore them, +inferior to the ignorant male African; unworthy to vote with him at the +polls or to sit with him in council. + +PUNCHINELLO is aware that the ladies of Massachusetts had set their +hearts upon rising to the negro level "before the law," and can +therefore appreciate their disappointment; but they ought to have known +that neither the ties of nature, the bonds of wedlock, nor the claims of +intelligence, are of any force in the Home of the Pilgrims, as compared +with the influence of the Ebony Lords of Creation, whoso reign as +sovereigns commenced with the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment. + +The STANTONS, the BLACKWELLS, and the ANTHONYS, the Members of the +Women's Parliament and the Sisters of Sorosis, advocated negro suffrage +with the full expectation of sharing the franchise with PETE and CUFF; +but alas! while these wool-dyed Africans are conducted in triumph to the +ballot-box, _they_ are ignominiously thrust back from it. For this black +wrong there is no colorable pretext. There is not a shade of excuse for +it, and PUNCHINELLO hopes that it will open the eyes of the ladies of +the land, and prevent them henceforth and for ever from placing the +slightest confidence in the gallantry or impartiality of the Puritanic +prigs of New-England. + + * * * * * + +ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS. + +[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.] + +No. III. + +_D._ Now then, father, for that Description of the Telescope! + +_F._ Very well, my child. The great Object of the telescope-- + +_D._ Is the Object-Glass, is it not, father? + +_F._ Come, come, HELENE; no nonsense, now. The great object had in view +by the inventors of the telescope-- + +_D._ Father, don't you mean the Great Object they _expected_ to have in +view, when they got it made; a Distant World, for instance? + +_F._ Pshaw, child! be serious. Don't spoil a good thing by untimely +interjections. They are as mal à propos as a mosquito coming across the +Field of View. + +_D._ I'd rather he'd do that than come across _me!_ + +_F._ Well, HELENE, you are positively exasperating! + +_D._ Not more so than your mosquito. + +_F._ Well, I declare--this is too bad! + +_D._ So is his bite! + +_F._ Well, well; I must walk out and take the air. [_Going_] + +_D._ Yes, pa, (and see that you don't take anything else!) Now, then! +for a grand look for my Charmer! Really, I am getting quite Earthly! +[_Looks through the instrument a few moments_] Why, what is this? Oh, +pshaw! I see! I've got JUPITER by mistake! I mistook one of his Belts +for a new Belt Railroad. It would have been a Big Thing, that railroad; +not less than 75,000 miles long, as I figure it. Perhaps those Belts +_are_ Railroads! Perhaps they have Rings there, as they have at Saturn, +only less conspicuous. JUPITER is rather a Slushy planet, if I am +correct in regard to its Specific Gravity; of about the consistency, +perhaps, of the New-York Poultice Pavement I've been reading about. I +should think that JUPITER'S lack of gravity and consistency would make +him a favorite with Aldermen--not the less for having so many +Satellites. I wonder if the New Charter is the celebrated Magna Charter +under a new name? Probably it is no better. Oh, dear! the annoyance of +living so far away! Nothing here attracts me. The distant, the +unattainable, is all I think or care about! + +F. [_Coming in quietly._] What's that, HELENE, about the charms of +the Unattainable? You don't seem to see any thing very attractive in +MERCURY or MARS! + +_D._ Well, some things may be both unattainable and undesirable. That's +the case with the little thieving god MERCURY, and that big red-skinned +Prize-Fighter, MARS. I can't understand, however, why these disreputable +deities should he worshipped in your favorite New-York. + +_F._ Well, as near as I can see, (a matter of a few million miles, more +or less,) when you speak of Worship, they have more regard there for +Millinery than any thing else. The Christian Religion is based on +Humility, which has Purity and Simplicity for her Handmaids. Look into +some of these New-York churches! see how the jewels glisten, the rich +stuffs fall gracefully in massive folds. Observe the sumptuousness, the +elaborate display! A fine Humility this! Then look at the ceremonial. +Here is a church edifice, belonging to a denomination that assumes to be +Decent and Orderly in ceremony. Is it so in _this_ church? What means +all this tawdriness of color, the crimson, the blue, the gold; what +signify these fantastic designs and figures, these monkey-like +genuflexions; this wilderness of sign and symbol, this elaborate +abasement, this theatrical show of exaltation? This an improvement on +the old dignified simplicity? Do you tell me that childishness, and +prettiness, and pettiness, are valid substitutes for a genuine, manly +modesty and simplicity? + +_D._ (Oh, dear! he's been drinking again! How bitter the Bitters do make +him!) Look! Father, come, quick! Here is a Railroad Accident, such as +you have often wished to see. Two trains have collided, and both have +rolled down an embankment at least seventy feet high! into a river, I do +declare! They are all lost! + +_F._ Do let me see at once, HELENE I [_Looks eagerly._] Ah, yes; all +gone; nothing visible but one smoke-pipe, three stove-pipe hats, four +bits of orange-peel, some pea-nut shells, and thirteen copies of the +_New-York Ledger_. Sad fate! But see! Some dry-goods-no, a young lady +flounders along toward the shore! The bystanders rush up; she is nearly +exhausted; pants rapidly; they congratulate her. A well-dressed young +man approaches. She instantly begins to think of her looks; her hand +flies to her back hair. Heavens! there is so much gone there that she +shrieks in alarm! Her fall in the water has detached her Waterfall! +_That_ gone, every thing is gone! She springs to her feet! Glancing +hurriedly over the watery waste, now plentifully strewn with fans, +little canes, and certain objects which are either mail-bags or +_chignons_, she descries her better part, and with a wild cry, (as when +a mother rescues her babe from tigers,) dashes in and seizes the darling +object! She presses it to her lips, and impetuously breaks for the +shore! Alas! too late, by about ten and a half seconds! "Save it!" she +seems to cry; tosses the wad ashore, and down she goes, with her hand on +the back of her head, her last thoughts, evidently, more or less, +connected with that sympathizing young man on the bank above. + +_D._ Father, you talk like a brute! Have you no feeling? Boo-hoo +hoo-hoo! + +_F._ Child, I am _all_ feeling. Boo-hoo-hoo-too! + + * * * * * + +HORTICULTURAL HINTS. + +KITCHEN GARDEN.--Plant pickles early, if you are up in time; if not, +later. But don't eat them late, unless you are equally fond of +dyspepsia. + +In planting peas, select that kind that does not grow hard and yellow; +that is, unless you supply boarding-houses, or have a government +contract for the supply of shot. + +Grated turnips, mixed with horse-radish, for the table, will assuage +one's grief for one's grandmother. + +Rice-puddings can be grown, ready-made, by sowing rice with cowcumbers. +Try it. + +NURSERY.--Transplant from hot-beds to bath-tub as soon as possible, +using sponge with palm-soap and cold water. Top-dress with comb and +brush. Trim limbs according to age. Train with rods. Much depends on +starting right, so start to school right after breakfast. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A, T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE MADE | + | | + | LARGE ADDITIONS | + | | + | TO ALL THEIR | + | | + | Popular--Stocks | + | | + | Bareges, Organdies, | + | | + | JACONETS, PERCALES, Embroideries, Laces, | + | | + | LADIES AND CHILDREN'S | + | | + | UNDERGARMENTS, | + | | + | Dresses, Sacques, | + | | + | BOURNOUS, SHAWLS, | + | | + | Real India Camels Hair Shawls, | + | | + | 53c EACH AND UPWARDS, | + | | + | PARIS AND DOMESTIC MADE | + | | + | LADIES' HATS, BONNETS, &C | + | | + | AND A VARIETY OF | + | | + | MILLINERY ARTICLES. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A, T, STEWART & CO, | + | | + | OFFER | + | | + | THE MOST EXTENSIVE AND | + | | + | SELECT ASSORTMENT | + | | + | IN THE CITY OF | + | | + | Ladies' and Gentlemen's | + | | + | FURNISHING GOODS | + | | + | AND WILL CONTINUE TO RECEIVE BY EACH AND | + | EVERY STEAMER THE LATEST | + | | + | PARIS AND LONDON NOVELTIES. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY INDUCEMENTS TO | + | | + | HOUSEKEEPERS, | + | | + | IN | + | | + | LINENS, SHEETINGS, | + | | + | Damasks, Napkins, | + | | + | TOWELINGS, DRESS LINENS, | + | | + | PRINTED LINENS, | + | | + | FLANNELS, BLANKETS, QUILTS, | + | | + | COUNTERPANES, | + | | + | BLEACHED AND BROWN COTTONS, | + | | + | SHEETINGS, ETC., | + | | + | CARPETS, | + | | + | UPHOLSTERY GOODS, | + | | + | CURTAINS, | + | | + | CURTAIN MATERIALS, | + | | + | Cocoa and Canton Matting, | + | | + | English and Domestic Oil Cloths, | + | etc., etc., etc. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | SPECIAL | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS. | + | | + | By special arrangement with | + | | + | L. Prange & Co., | + | | + | we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers | + | to PUNCHINELLO: | + | | + | "Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, 8-3/8 | + | by 11-1/8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for one | + | year, for $4.00. | + | | + | "Wild Roses." Chromo, 12-1/8 by 9, price $3.00, or any other | + | $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for | + | $5.00. | + | | + | "The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16-1/4, price $6.00 or | + | any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, and a copy | + | of the paper for one year, for $6.00. | + | | + | "Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, | + | | + | 18-1/8 by 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and | + | a copy of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four | + | Chromos, and four copies of the paper for one year in one | + | order, for clubs of Four, for $23.00. | + | | + | We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S | + | Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is | + | not satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for | + | clubs to any amount, and to agents. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; | + | the CHROMOS will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money. | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be | + | offered for a limited time only. On receipt of a | + | postage-stamp we will send a copy of No. 1 to any one | + | desiring to get up a club. | + | | + | Address | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: THE LOBBY OF THE FUTURE. + +SHOWING THE WAY IN WHICH ANY GOOD-LOOKING MEMBER OF CONGRESS MAY BE +LIABLE TO "INTERVIEWING" WHEN LOVELY WOMAN SHALL HAVE OBTAINED THE RIGHT +OF SUFFRAGE.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate | + | supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank, | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | _Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M._ | + | | + | Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten | + | Thousand Dollars, will be received. | + | | + | Six Per Cent Interest, Free of | + | Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | Commences on the first of every month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_. | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, | + | _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance | + | to oil paintings. Sold in all Art Stores throughout the | + | world. PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Four Seasons," by J. M. | + | Hart. Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp | + | by | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + + Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. + No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. + No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S. W. GREEN. PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 8 *** + +This file should be named 8p10810.txt or 8p10810.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p10811.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p10810a.txt + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/8p10810.zip b/old/8p10810.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7dcaa16 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p10810.zip diff --git a/old/8p10810h.htm b/old/8p10810h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5a7bd6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p10810h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3142 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta name="generator" content= + "HTMLTrim (vers 1st October 2003), see http://htmltrim.sourceforge.net"> + <meta content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" http-equiv= + "Content-Type"> + + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. + 8.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, 1870, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9962] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on November 5, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 8 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +</pre> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="1" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON</p> + + <p><small>begs to announce to the friends + of</small></p> + + <p><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></p> + + <p><small>residing in the country, that for their + convenience, he has made arrangements by which, on + receipt of the price of</small></p> + + <p>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,</p> + + <p><small>the same will be forwarded, postage + paid.</small></p> + + <p><small>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our + Publishing Houses can have the same forwarded by + inclosing two stamps.</small></p> + + <p><small>OFFICE OF</small><br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + 83 Nassau Street.<br> + [P. O. Box 2783.]</p> + </center> + </td> + + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PUNCHINELLO'S + MONTHLY.</big></p> + + <p>THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Bound in a Handsome + Cover,</p> + + <p>IS NOW READY. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE TRADE</big></p> + + <p><small>SUPPLIED BY THE</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN NEWS + COMPANY,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>Who are now + prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </center> + </td> + + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & + CO.'S</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL + PENS.</big></big></big></p> + + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and + cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special + attention is called to the following grades, as being + better suited for business purposes than any Pen + manufactured. The</p> + + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the + <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> + Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="0" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> + <br> + <br> + <br> + + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + + <h2>Vol. I. No. 8.</h2> + + <p>SATURDAY, MAY 21, 1870.</p><br> + <br> + + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3><br> + + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3><br> + <br> + + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center><br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><i>CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to + preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, postpaid, + on receipt of One Dollar, by "Punchinello Publishing + Company," 83 Nassau Street, New-York City.</i></p> + + <p>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="1" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN</p> + + <p><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></p> + + <p>SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO</p> + + <p>J. NICKINSON,</p> + + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + + <p>83 NASSAU STREET.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center" rowspan="5"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> + <big><big>PUNCHINELLO.</big></big></p> + + <p>With a large and varied experience in the management + and publication of a paper of the class herewith + submitted, and with the still more positive advantage of + an Ample Capital to justify undertaking, the</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO.</big></p> + + <p>OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,</p> + + <p>Presents to the public for approval, the</p> + + <p>NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL WEEKLY + PAPER,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> + <big><big>PUNCHINELLO.</big></big></p> + + <p><small>The first number of which will be issued under + date of April 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly.</small></p> + + <p><small>PUNCHINELLO will be <i>National,</i> and not + <i>local,</i>—and will endeavor to become a household + word in all parts of the country; and to that end has + secured a</small></p> + + <p>VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS</p> + + <p>in various sections of the Union, while its columns + will always open to appropriate first-class literary and + artistic talent. PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; + humorous and witty, without vulgarity, and satirical + without malice. It will be printed on a superior tinted + paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for + sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment + to know a good thing when they see it, or by subscription + from this office.</p> + + <p>The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. + Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed + Jim in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by + leading artists in their respective specialities.</p> + + <p>The management of the paper will be in the hands of + WILLIAM A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES + DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were identified with VANITY + FAIR.</p> + + <p>ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</p> + + <p>Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or + suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the + topics of the day, are always acceptable, and will be + paid for liberally.</p> + + <p>Rejected communications can not be returned, unless + postage-stamps are inclosed.</p> + + <p><b>Terms:</b></p> + + <p>One copy, per year, in + advance.......................... $4 00</p> + + <p>Single copies, ten cents,</p> + + <p>A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt + of ten cents.</p> + + <p>One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other + magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for..................... + 5 50</p> + + <p>One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, + for..... 7 00</p> + + <p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed + to</p> + + <p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.</p> + + <p>83 Nassau Street.</p> + + <p>New-York.</p> + + <p>[P.O. Box 2783.]</p> + </td> + + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>Mercantile Library,</b></p> + + <p>Clinton Hall, Astor Place</p> + + <p>New-York.</p> + + <p><small>This is now the largest circulating Library In + America, the number of volumes on its shelves being + 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each month; and + very large purchases are made of all new and popular + works.</small></p> + + <p><small>Books are delivered at members' residences for + five cents each delivery.</small></p> + + <p>TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:</p> + + <p>TO CLERKS,</p> + + <p>$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.</p> + + <p>TO OTHERS, $5 a year.</p> + + <p>SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.</p> + + <p><b>BRANCH OFFICES</b></p> + + <p>NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,</p> + + <p>AND AT</p> + + <p>Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabet</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>Notice to Ladies.</p> + + <p><big><big>DIBBLE,</big></big></p> + + <p>Of 854 Broadway,</p> + + <p>Has just received a large assortment of all the latest + styles of</p> + + <p><b>Chignons, Chatelaines, etc.,</b></p> + + <p>FROM PARIS,</p> + + <p>Comprising the following beautiful varieties: La + Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, La Sirene, + L'Imperatrice etc.</p> + + <p>At prices varying from $2 upward</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">WILL BE READY ON MAY 10</p> + + <p>Brigadier-General</p> + + <p><big><b>THOMAS FRANCIS MEAGHER:</b></big></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">His Political and Military + Career;</p> + + <p><small>WITH SELECTIONS FROM</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">HIS SPEECHES AND + WRITINGS.</span><br> + <small>BY</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Capt. W. F. + LYONS.</span></p> + + <p><small>It will be printed on fine toned paper, from + new type, with an excellent Portrait.</small></p> + + <p><small>One vol., Cloth, extra beveled . . . . $2 00<br> + One vol., Cloth, extra richly gilt . . 2 50<br>One vol., + morocco extra, beveled . . . 5 00</small></p> + + <p><small>Orders from the Trade and public + solicited.</small></p> + + <p><b>D. & J. SADLIER & CO.,</b></p> + + <p><b>31 Barclay Street, N. Y.</b></p> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <p>AMERICAN</p> + + <p><b>BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING,</b></p> + + <p>AND</p> + + <p><big>SEWING-MACHINE CO.,</big></p> + + <p><b>563 Broadway, New-York.</b></p> + + <p><small>This great combination machine is the last and + greatest improvement on all former machines, making, in + addition to all work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, + beautiful</small></p> + + <p>BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;</p> + + <p>in all fabrics.</p> + + <p>Machine, with finely finished</p> + + <p>OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER</p> + + <p><small>complete, $75. Same machine, without the + buttonhole parts, $60. This last is beyond all question + the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in order, of + any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full + instruction given to purchasers.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>THE CELEBRATED</p> + + <p><b>BRAND</b></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>BLACK + ALPACAS!</big></big></p> + + <p><small>This Brand of ALPACA, on account of its + fineness of cloth, and richness of color, has become the + <b>Standard Alpaca</b> now used in the United + States.</small></p> + + <p><small>These Goods are greatly Improved for the + <b>Spring</b> and <b>Summer</b> wear, being of the + <b>richest</b> and <b>purest</b> Shade of <b>fast + Black,</b> and made of the <b>very finest material,</b> + they are <b>absolutely superior</b> to any ALPACAS ever + sold in this country, and now are one of the most + <b>fashionable</b> and <b>economical</b> fabrics worn. + <b>These beautiful Goods are sold by most of the leading + Retail Dry-Goods Merchants in all the leading cities and + towns throughout all the States.</b></small></p> + + <p><small><b>Purchasers will know these Goods, as a + ticket is attached to each piece bearing a picture of the + Buffalo, precisely like the above.</b></small></p> + + <p>WM. I. PEAKE & CO.,</p> + + <p>46, 48 & 50 White St., New-York.</p> + + <p><small><i>Sole Importers of this Brand for the United + States.</i></small></p> + </td> + + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p><b>HENRY SPEAR</b></p> + + <p>STATIONER, PRINTER</p> + + <p>AND</p> + + <p><b>BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.</b></p> + + <p>ACCOUNT BOOKS</p> + + <p>MADE TO ORDER.</p> + + <p><b>PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.</b></p> + + <p>82 Wall Street,</p> + + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thomas J. Rayner + & Co.,</span><br> + 29 LIBERTY STREET,<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">New-York,</span></p> + + <p>MANUFACTURERS OF THE</p> + + <p><i>Finest Cigars made in the United States.</i></p> + + <p><small>All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. + Samples sent to any responsible house. Also Importers of + the</small></p> + + <p><b>"FUSBOS" BRAND,</b></p> + + <p><small>Equal in quality to the best of the Havana + market, and from ten to twenty per cent + cheaper.</small></p> + + <p><small>Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will + save money by calling at</small></p> + + <p><b>29 LIBERTY STREET</b></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table align="center" width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p>[Illustration: <span style= + "font-weight: bold;">COURTESIES IN OUR + SUNDAY-SCHOOLS.</span></p> + + <p>Teacher. "BY THE BY, DEAR, CAN YOU LEND ME A COUPLE OF + SMALL PUPILS FOR ANNIVERSARY, MY CLASS IS SO LITTLE? YOU + SHALL HAVE THEM BACK AGAIN NEXT SUNDAY."]</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE GREAT CANAL + ENTERPRISE.</p> + + <p>[FROM OUR SPECIAL BOSTON CORRESPONDENT.]</p> + + <p>BOSTON, May 8th, 1870.</p> + + <p>We Bostonians are greatly surprised that your valuable + journal has as yet taken no notice of the great + undertaking of the century—the Cape Cod Canal. However, + you New-Yorkers are quite out of the world, and unless + you read the Boston <i>Transcript</i> regularly, can not + be expected to know much about the enterprises with which + the earnest men of the nation are occupied. The great + Cape Cod Canal is, however, not meant simply for the + benefit of the Bostonian nation, but for the commerce of + the civilized world. It is destined to work a more + important revolution in the trade of Plymouth, + Barnstable, and Nantucket, than the Suez or Darien + Canals.</p> + + <p>Of course you are familiar with the peculiar + conformation of Cape Cod. It juts out into the Atlantic + like an immense elbow, and, indeed, is understood to be + modelled after the brawny arm of the gallant CHARLES + SUMNER. Vessels passing between ports on the western and + those on the southern coast of Massachusetts, are now + obliged to make a wide <i>detour</i> in order to + circumnavigate the Cape. It is now proposed to cut a + canal across the Cape just where it juts out from the + mainland, and thus avoid the tedious circumnavigation. + The enormous importance of this work will be at once + perceived. The Canal will be nearly four miles in length, + and will be made of a uniform width of four feet, with a + depth of two. This gigantic undertaking will of course + cost an immense amount of time and money, but under the + able supervision of ELKANAH HOPKINS, the gifted engineer + who constructed the board-walk in front of Deacon + BREWSTER'S house, at Standish Four Corners, there can be + no doubt of its success. Advantage will be taken of the + duck-pond of Captain JEHOIAKIM BROWN, which is situated + in the course of the proposed canal. By leading the Canal + directly through this pond, at least a quarter of a mile + of excavation will be avoided. M. DE LESSEPS is known to + have decided upon making a similar use of the Bitter + Lakes in the construction of his Suez ditch, after having + seen ELKANAH HOPKINS' plans for our great Cape Cod Canal. + Vessels will hereafter pass through this Canal instead of + taking the long voyage around the Cape; and it is + believed that the <i>saving</i> which will be effected in + the transportation of cod-fish and garden-sass by the + consequent shortening of the voyage, will be something + enormous. There are those who believe that the Canal will + yield a yearly revenue of from eighty to ninety dollars + in tolls alone. It is understood that the European + Governments have already proposed to the Mayors of Boston + and Barnstable to guarantee the neutrality of the Canal + in case of war; but it is not possible that the + proposition will be acceded to. Bostonians should have + the exclusive control of this magnificent work, and the + Selectmen of several of our prominent towns have drawn up + petitions against the proposition of neutrality. The + opening of the Canal will be the most splendid pageant of + modern times. Mrs. JULIA WARD HOWE will recite an + original poem on the occasion; Mr W. H. MURRAY will + preach a sermon; Mrs. STOWE will read a new paper on + BYRON, and the State authorities will proclaim a solemn + day of fasting and festivity. A procession of ten + fishing-schooners, headed by a flat-boat, containing the + Mayors and Selectmen of all the Massachusetts towns, will + pass through the Canal. After this, literary exercises + are ended; and the following month will be devoted to the + delivery of an oration by Hon. CHARLES SUMNER, on "The + Classical Ditches of Ancient Times, and their Influence + on the Cause of Truth and Freedom."</p> + + <p>You, and the minor New-York papers, expect to devote + most of your space to this wonderful undertaking. It is + more important than any event which has taken place since + the election of Mr. SUMNER to the Senate. It is a subject + which will interest all your earnest readers, who will be + greatly obliged to me for calling your attention to + it.</p> + + <p>A FRIEND OF FREEDOM.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OLD SAWS RE-SET.</p> + + <p>That must be a pernicious agitation of the + circumambient atmosphere, which conduces not to the + benefit of any individual.</p> + + <p>The common table utensil which is too frequently + conveyed to the fountain, to obtain the thirst-slaking + beverage, will ultimately become fractured.</p> + + <p>By devoting our attention chiefly to the smaller + copper coin, the larger denominations represented by + paper currency will require no <i>surveillance</i>.</p> + + <p>Persons who inhabit residences composed of a brittle, + transparent, silicious material, should refrain from + forcibly casting fragments of granite, etc.</p> + + <p>When the optic image of a given object is not + projected upon the <i>retina</i> of the visual medium, + that object fails to be desired by the chief vital organ + of the human anatomy.</p> + + <p>When the vigilant feline quadruped, frequently + observed in the abodes of man, is absent, the common + domestic animal of the <i>genus mus</i> may indulge in + various relaxations of an entertaining nature.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Common Pleas.</p> + + <p>Pleas of Temporary Insanity.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A Standard Work.</p> + + <p>J. RUSSEL YOUNG'S new paper.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Drugs in the Market.</p> + + <p>An English chemist has discovered a process by which + wood of any kind can be dyed a beautiful and permanent + violet hue.</p> + + <p>Should that chemist fail to succeed in his profession, + he might profitably turn his attention to writing for the + stage, seeing that he has a decided turn for + Dye-a-Log.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>Entered, according + to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the PUNCHINELLO + PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> + in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United + States, for the Southern District of + New-York.</small></p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</p> + + <p>Legs have heretofore been inseparable in the public + mind from LYDIA THOMPSON. Her successes have varied + inversely as the length of her trunk-hose. She has built + up her reputation by "break-downs," and has clutched the + burlesque diadem with, innumerable bounds of her elastic + legs. Now, however, she has grown weary of offering up + her fatted calves at the shrine of a prodigal New-York + audience, and desires to hide the lightness of her legs + under a bustle and crinoline. Wherefore she exchanges her + PIPPIN for a MOSQUITO, and appears in serious instead of + comic burlesque.</p> + + <p><i>Mosquito</i> is a play written expressly for Miss + THOMPSON, by DUMAS <i>père</i>. There is the + more reason to believe this assertion, inasmuch as DUMAS, + or somebody else, has already written it expressly for a + variety of other people. It was written for MENKEN, under + the title of "<i>The Pirates of the Savannah</i>," some + six years since, and was written for somebody else and + played at the Porte St. Martin about seventeen years ago. + We should not be surprised if the "Veteran Observer" of + the <i>Times</i> were prepared to prove that it was + written expressly for him about the year 1775. In view of + these facts, no one will regard it as improbable that it + was also written for Miss THOMPSON. Be that as it may, + however, there is no doubt that Miss THOMPSON appeared in + it on Monday evening last, and that the following + synopsis is much more accurate than even the play + itself.</p> + + <p>After an overture, performed principally on an + exasperating drum, the curtain rises on a scene in a + seaport town in South America, or, to be exact, in + Bolivia. Various disreputable pirates, whose appearance + is a libel on a profession adorned by such men as Captain + EYRE and the managers of cheap American republishing + houses, conspire together in such mysterious words as + these:</p> + + <p><i>Valderrama (a pirate chief.)</i> "To-night we + must—"</p> + + <p><i>Pierre (a comic pirate.)</i> "We will, or—"</p> + + <p><i>Val., etc.</i> "You have your—?"</p> + + <p><i>Pierre.</i> "I have; and—"</p> + + <p><i>Both Together.</i> "S-s-s-s-h. Some one comes. + Swear to—"</p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> LYDIA THOMPSON, <i>clothed on with + crinoline.</i> (<i>To various pirates.</i>) "Well! How's + things? Are you still the—?"</p> + + <p><i>Various Pirates.</i> "We are; and if—"</p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> BRENTANO, <i>the father of</i> LYDIA. + <i>He addresses her in tender accents.</i> "Me cheyild, + the hour is come. I must away. <i>(To Valderrama.)</i> + Shall we—?"</p> + + <p><i>Val., etc.</i> "We shall. Come, my friend, + and—"</p> + + <p><i>They come. Scene changes to a lonely glen. Comic + Pirate explains to</i> LYDIA <i>the secret of her birth + in terms which leave it more unintelligible than ever. + Various pirates conspire to murder</i> BRENTANO. <i>Scene + again changes to</i> BRENTANO'S <i>garden. Various + pirates enter and shoot the old man. Applause. Somebody + sets the house on fire. Enter</i> LYDIA <i>disguised in + boy's clothes. She vows eternal fidelity to</i> + VALDERRAMA <i>The audience wildly welcome her familiar + legs, and the curtain falls amid tempestuous applause and + the frantic beating of the fiendish drum.</i></p> + + <p><i>Rather Dull Old Gentleman.</i> "I can't make out + what it's all about. Why does she want to follow + VALDERRAMA when she knows he has killed her father?"</p> + + <p><i>Theatrical Person, who has seen the manuscript + play.</i> "Don't you see? She means to avenge herself by + reading the <i>Nation</i> to him, or by singing Shoo-fly. + She'll make his life a burden."</p> + + <p><i>Dull Old Gentleman.</i> "Oh! I see. But will she + turn pirate, too?"</p> + + <p><i>Theatrical Person.</i> "By no means. There were no + strong-minded women on the Spanish main. The pirates were + bad enough, but they didn't have all the vices of the + present day. She'll go to Paris with VALDERRAMA, and he + will take the title of MARQUIS of FONSECA, and live + sumptuously on old BRENTANO'S money. Just you wait and + see."</p> + + <p><i>Curtain rises on second act, showing the Hotel + Fonseca, at Paris. Several French noblemen repeat + ponderous witticisms to one another. Enter Miss</i> + MARKHAM <i>with clothes on. She represents the icy</i> + DIANA DE MAULEON.</p> + + <p><i>Diana.</i> "Mon Doo! there is my lover LEON DE + BEAULIEU. I won't have him, for he ain't rich + enough."</p> + + <p><i>Leon.</i> "Mademosel! I love you."</p> + + <p><i>Diana.</i> "Mosshure, what's your name? who are + your parents? and what's your income?"</p> + + <p><i>Leon.</i> "Alas! I have none."</p> + + <p><i>Diana.</i> "Then leave. Ah! Good evening, Mosshure, + the MARQUIS DE FONSECA."</p> + + <p><i>Fonseca (aside.)</i> "LEON is the son of somebody, + I forget who. Never mind, I'll murder him and marry + DIANA."</p> + + <p><i>Mosquito (in other words, Lydia Thompson in a dress + that shows her legs.)</i> "I love LEON. I must save him. + I will save him."</p> + + <p><i>Scene changes to an inn on the coast within a few + yards of Paris. Enter</i> PIERRE <i>and other pirates. + They conspire to murder</i> LEON <i>and the French + language. Enter</i> MOSQUITO <i>disguised as a serving + maid. She dances, sings, and overhears the plot. + Enter</i> LEON <i>in order to be murdered. By a neat + little stratagem</i> MOSQUITO <i>contrives to have the + pirates shoot each other, and saves</i> LEON. <i>Curtain + falls, followed by more maddening performances on the + drum.</i></p> + + <p><i>Dull Old Gentleman.</i> "I begin to see into it a + little; but who is LEON, and why does FONSECA want to + murder him?"</p> + + <p><i>Theatrical Person.</i> "Well, I can't just now + remember. It is all cleared up in the last scene, though. + You see, MOSQUITO is the daughter of BRENTANO, who was + killed. She has another father who comes on later. + Somebody else is LEON'S father, and you see FONSECA is + the brother—no, the aunt of PIERRE—no, that's not it + precisely—but you'll see."</p> + + <p><i>Dull Old Gentleman (doubtfully.)</i> "I hope so; + but that infernal drum makes such a noise that I can + hardly think. Who is that tall, awkward woman with the + turned-up nose, who plays 'DIANA?'"</p> + + <p><i>Theatrical Person.</i> "Hush, GRANT WHITE is + sitting right behind you. That is Miss MARKHAM, and she + is considered to be very handsome. She is a little + awkward in clothes, but she'll get used to them in + time."</p> + + <p><i>The third act begins. Every body, from the Comic + Pirate down to a Dramatic Writer who is in the play, go + to a ball at the Palace Gardens.</i> MOSQUITO, + <i>disguised as a Gipsy, dances and tells cheerful + fortunes. Fonseca proposes for</i> DIANA'S <i>hand and + roars the subject over in a private conversation with her + father, while he and the old gentleman stand on opposite + sides of the garden. Every body quarrels with every body + else. The Comic Pirate challenges</i> LEON <i>to fight a + duel, intending to murder him.</i> MOSQUITO, <i>backed by + the</i> REGENT <i>of</i> ORLEANS <i>and the entire court, + stops the duel and denounces</i> FONSECA. <i>The latter + tries to murder her and is shot by the Comic Pirate. Then + explanations take place, by which every body is proved to + be the father or daughter of every body else, and the + play is ended by an appropriate suggestion from the</i> + REGENT, <i>that the entire party should engage in a + congratulatory dance.</i></p> + + <p><i>Dull Old Gentleman.</i> "Well, I must say I don't + understand any thing about it. I can't even make out the + different actors. Who is the rather pretty, fat woman, + dressed like a boy. She don't act a bit, but she dances + nicely."</p> + + <p><i>Theatrical Person.</i> "Why, that is LYDIA + THOMPSON. The play was written for her, you know."</p> + + <p><i>Dull Old Gentleman (evidently getting + irritable.)</i> "All I've got to say is this, that I + don't know which is the worse, she or the play. What is + the stage coming to? In my day we used to have something + like acting at the old Park. Ah, there was PLACIDE, and + ELLEN TREE, and—"</p> + + <p>The old gentleman goes slowly out, muttering + reminiscences from ancient history. A tall, + intellectual-looking man is seen to withdraw into the + grass-plat in the court-yard, and is there heard to + appeal to the chimney-pots and stars to note the + surpassing beauty of the vocal velvet of the fair + MARKHAM. And the undersigned wends his way homeward with + the conviction that <i>Hamlet</i>, with the part of + HAMLET omitted, would be intelligible and attractive in + comparison with LYDIA THOMPSON and PAULINE MARKHAM with + their legs banished from public view. MATADOR.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO IN WALL + STREET.</p> + + <p>The great art of Doing others as they would like to Do + you has always commended itself to PUNCHINELLO as a very + happy rendering of a certain fusty old rule which, in its + original shape, did very well some nineteen hundred years + ago, but is altogether out of date in these brisk times. + Hence the gambols of the merry bulls in that Broad Street + which leadeth to DIVES palace are just now highly + entertaining. In that illustrious quarter of this amazing + metropolis there is a beautiful game going on which is + vastly more interesting to watch than to join in, and + this little game is much as follows:</p> + + <p>A number of the members of that worthy family of + undoubted ancestry and opulence, and known the world over + as the "Cliques," have gone into the dairy business. The + cheese-presses are kept and the churning is done in the + big offices by the wayside; but the milking is carried on + in a very Long Room, found, from considerable experience, + to be peculiarly adapted to this profitable line of + trade. Now in the pastoral realms of Finance, it is an + odd fact that not only is the milk all cream, and golden + cream into the bargain, but it is sometimes hard to tell + which are the dairy-maids and which are the kindly + animals with the crumpled horns which furnish the lacteal + supply which is so particularly sought after. Of course + every body wants as much cream as possible, and all have + faith that, at the nick of time, it will be given to them + to milk instead of the other thing. There is a pleasant + amusement known among juveniles as "SIMON says up," etc. + This is the very milk in the stock-market cocoanut. When + some great member of the big Clique family cries "DANIEL + says up," and every body shouts by mistake "DANIEL says + down," then the Long Room does a very huge business + indeed, and the number of cheeses made is marvellous to + relate. When, on the contrary, Clique says "down," and + the crowd cries "up," and it really should be up, then + the great Clique discover that their dairy-maids have + become the other thing, and that all the cheese is going + the other side of the way. This is exceedingly damaging + to the Clique firm; and as it is very painful indeed to + be the other thing, since it makes sore heads and brings + on a tendency to "bust," requiring much careful nursing + to recover from the effect, the Clique family is always + careful to arrange every thing in a manner that shall + best insure the monopoly of the lacteal element to + itself.</p> + + <p>At present the Cliques have made, most excellent + provisions. It is a rule that nothing so stimulates the + production of cream in the financial pastures as that + curious esculent the greenback. Oddly enough, also, + although this esculent la greatly sought after by the + other useful animals in Uncle SAM'S plantation, yet, from + one and another cause, vast quantities of this + exhilarating food have been amassed in and around the + banks of Wall street—those banks where the woodbine + vainly twineth, and by whoso side our allegory unhappily + lies. With plenty of greenbacks, therefore, to make every + one gay and festive, with the pumps hard at work to keep + the stocks well watered, and with all sorts of devices to + lead the Street family (and a very low but ambitious and + prolific family it is) to cry "up" when DANIEL says + "down," the jubilant Cliques have set their mind upon a + thriving Spring business.</p> + + <p>PUNCHINELLO gazes down upon the game with equal and + serene mind. Since all wish to milk and not to be the + other thing, and as it is not clear which is going to be + which, he is content to watch the cheeses as they come + from the press, and to declare that they at least are + seemly and good to behold. If PUNCHINELLO could only + believe that the Street family was likely to succeed, he + would certainly doff his cap to them. Success is + beautiful. It is to Do others as they would Do you. That + is the Nineteenth Century. It is, therefore, sublime. One + gets exhausted in hurrahing for the Cliques. They are + always getting the best of it. But the Street people need + encouragement. It is not pleasant to be the other thing. + And if the bloated Clique party are not some time brought + to a turn, the day will come when we shall find all + Clique and no cheese—a consummation devoutly <i>not</i> + to be wished for!</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">"Too Much for Good + Nature,"</p> + + <p>The acting at Wood's Museum.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A Question for the "Veteran + Observer,"</p> + + <p>Who was the "Oldest Inhabitant"—Old PARR, or old + Grand Par?</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Miss-Conductors.</p> + + <p>The young ladies who bring back the Trains.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.</p> + + <p>[BY ATLANTIC CABLE.]</p> + + <p>GREAT BRITAIN.</p> + + <p>Having a peculiar privilege as the correspondent of + PUNCHINELLO, I was on the floor of the House of Commons + when Mr. GLADSTONE made his short speech, on the 25th, + about England and possessions. I was standing by the + O'DONOHUE when the Minister said, "<i>A free and + voluntary contract is the only basis for continued + union.</i>" I whispered to O'DONOHUE—Good for Ireland! + He did me the honor to repeat it aloud; but the + Minister's answer was not heard.</p> + + <p>Mr. EASTWICK had just been making a speech about + "tightening colonial relations." The <i>Press Ass</i> + made this charge somebody or other with "making tight the + Colonel's relations." It was just like that fellow. I + only succeeded by chance in saving him from sending + across some stuff about the Cardinal Archbishop of + CRANBERRY, instead of CHAMBERY. I got a dispatch from, + him quoting the <i>Virago</i> of Paris—meaning the + <i>Figaro</i>, of course. And then that <i>Schema</i>; a + Sphinx could not have made it more of a puzzle, whether + he meant that the bishops voted that the Pope should be + <i>deified</i>, or <i>defied</i>, or that the <i>de + fide</i> should pass by their vote.</p> + + <p>CYRUS W. FIELD has been here, in communication with + AIRY, the astronomer Royal, about a telegraph to the + moon. A lunatic observation makes it wax plain that it + will not be in wane to attempt it. STOKES and HUGGINS, + moreover, have been taking views of people through the + spectroscope. <i>Absorption bands</i> are very striking + in the <i>spectra</i> of the ROTHSCHILDS and other + bankers. <i>Bright lines</i> are seen in TENNYSON and + WILLIAM MORRIS; <i>dark lines</i> in SWINBURNE.</p> + + <p>Gaseous substances are shown to exist in certain + bodies and people; a great deal of gas was discovered in + VICTOR HUGO. Traces of iron are visible in NAPOLEON III; + and still more, at the last observations, n BISMARCK. + VICTOR EMMANUEL had more of the phosphorus; the Pope, of + sulphur; the PRINCE of WALES, of mercury; the editor of + the <i>Times</i>, of lead. GARIBALDI and MAZZINI have a + carbon-ari appearance through the instrument; with some + look of nitrous incandescence, also. Laughing-gas is + evidently abundant in PUNCH.</p> + + <p>The Lords of the Admiralty have observed that Mr. HALE + has proposed in Congress a 16 million bill for a new + American navy. It will be at once proposed to the House + of Commons that 32 millions be spent in iron-clads here. + And the Cabinet of the French Emperor have already + prepared their little bill, demanding of the <i>Corps + Legislatif</i> a sum of sixty-four millions for monster + ships. All this is, of course, encouraging. Mr. HALE had + better try again,</p> + + <p>Of course you have heard of the great Fenian raid, + which really is to come off. You know there are immense + amounts of vegetables and other provender brought to + London from the Continent every day. Now a large number + of sworn Fenians are to go to Holland and learn Dutch, so + that they can go over disguised as petty dealers in food, + get to London armed with revolvers, and carry off the + Queen! As the Fenians always do exactly what they promise + to do, this may be relied upon as certain to happen. It + is said that the Queen is studying Dutch as an amusement; + which may be very convenient on the way; she can + expostulate with them better in Dutch than in Irish.</p> + + <p>From GERMANY, we learn that JANAUSCHEK is coming to + London to play in English. Also that a ballet corps is + coming over to dance in Spanish, and an opera troupe, to + sing phonographically, in Hindoostanee. A new opera, by + BALFE, is spoken of; subject, the Tower of Babel. This + was suggested by the Ecumenical Council; where some body + must have been LISET-ening.</p> + + <p>A World's Congress of Croquet Players will be held + next month at Baden. They will not hold their debates in + Latin. Among the points discussed will be, whether it is + allowable to pop the question on the croquet ground. Old + maids are quoted as thinking that it distracts the game. + Younger ones would consider it allowable in certain + cases.</p> + + <p>What people some travelling Americans are! There is + one <i>nouveau riche</i> from New-York, who has been + going about all over Germany, asking every body for the + sculptor—he thinks his name was METTERNICH—whose most + famous work was the <i>Status quo</i>! He wants one of + these, he says, for his <i>jardin des plantes</i>; which + is going to be as big as the one near Paris. He has also + heard of the Marquis of BUTE; and wants to buy one or two + of his things; because somebody once read to him, out of + a copy-book, that "a thing of Bute is a joy forever." I + have not time to tell you, today, about my late interview + with the Pope. —PRIME</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p>[Illustration:</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">EVERY MAN HIS OWN + POLICEMAN.</p> + + <p>EXEMPLIFIED BY THE FOLLOWING DESIGNS OF PUNCHINELLO'S + PATENT ARMOR.</p> + + <p>OPEN CASE.</p> + + <p>IN CASE OF ASSASSIN.</p> + + <p>IN CASE OF STAGE ACCIDENT.</p> + + <p>IN CASE OF PICK-POCKET.</p> + + <p>IN CASE OF MAD BULL.]</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OUR PORT-FOLIO.</p> + + <p>Upon opening our mail, the other morning, a + communication signed "Tragedian," purporting to come from + the father of three boys, (each remarkable in his way,) + particularly attracted our attention. He stated with + peculiar succinctness some singular developments of + genius in the second of these prodigies, which do not + always accompany such tender adolescence. "But twelve + years old!" exclaims the enraptured parent, "and yet my + FRITZ has produced a tragedy in three acts, entitled 'The + Drewid's Curse.' No less a judge than our leading town + lawyer, squire MANGLES, was so kind as to say that such + an instance of the histrionic flux in a child of FRITZ'S + years, was utterly unparalleled. If PUNCHINELLO could + find space for a few specimens of the 'Curse,' they shall + be cheerfully furnished."</p> + + <p>(It might as well be stated here that curses of this + character are already quite abundant, and that + PUNCHINELLO can not find space for any of them. Still a + kind word may not be misunderstood.)</p> + + <p>To the son of a man who spells "Druid" with a + "<i>w</i>," all things must be possible, from a hangman's + noose to a Presidential nomination, and the danger to be + apprehended in this case is, that some of "Tragedian's" + posterity may slip into one or the other of them. A + parental raid upon all the pens, ink and paper that could + possibly come within the reach of a youth whose soul + revels in Druidical reminiscences, is the only effective + remedy which at present occurs to us. The "histrionic + flux" is a kindred disease, and would, of course, be + susceptible of the same treatment.</p><br> + <hr style="height: 2px; width: 15%;"> + <br> + + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I am not mad, but to you, alone, I + confide the secret of my sanity. Nevertheless I thirst + for blood.</p> + + <p>Feelings over which I have no control, render it + imperative that I should shoot somebody. Precisely who + may be the victim of this insatiable desire, fate alone + can decide. I propose some day next week to commence a + general fusilade from the windows of my office upon the + passers-by. My sole security in this affair, is a maiden + aunt now in the Lunatic Asylum. I look with confidence to + her malady as my triumphant vindication. My object in + writing to you is to ask whether, in your opinion, the + fact is sufficient to <i>guarantee</i> a verdict of "Not + Guilty," in case I am prosecuted for murder, or whether + an unscrupulous jury could sacrifice me to the unsettled + condition of the popular mind on the subject of + justifiable insanity. Yours sanguinarily,</p> + + <p>—RABIES.</p> + <hr style="height: 2px; width: 15%;"> + + <p>PUNCHINELLO expresses his opinion in reference to the + above letter with great reluctance. He fears that if he + gives his advice according to his real convictions, he + may be overrun with similar applications, and if he gives + advice that he doesn't feel, he will condemn "RABIES" to + the mortification of the gallows. He therefore takes a + middle course, and observes that the possession of an + aunt in the Lunatic Asylum is certainly strong + presumptive evidence that her nephew is no better than + she is. Here in New-York, it would be difficult to upset + such evidence, but elsewhere the result might be + different. "RABIES" gives no clue to his whereabouts. + PUNCHINELLO, therefore, presumes that he does not + contemplate murder here. Very well, then, it would be + unadvisable to kill any one, until at least two + respectable physicians could testify that either before + or after the act they had called upon "RABIES," fully + interviewed him on the subject of the maiden aunt, and + found that the slightest allusion to her was productive + of any of the following phenomena:</p><br> + + <p>1st. Sudden and violent twitching of the eyes.</p> + + <p>2d. Discoloration of the veins of the nose, resulting + in an appearance abnormally rubicund.</p> + + <p>3d. Manifestations of extravagant thirst, which water + could not satisfy.</p> + + <p>4th. Tendency to reach for his boot-straps, as if with + the view of lifting himself by the same.</p> + + <p>5th. Rapid rise of the pulse from 50 to 500—say + within the space of ten seconds.</p> + + <p>6th. Shoo-fly! movement of the hand toward the cheek + as if some thing had alighted there, and patient were + trying to rub it off.</p> + + <p>7th. The presence of a cicatrix on the left temple + (This is a most irrefutable proof of insanity).</p> + + <p>8th. Psychological developments indicative of "moral + alienation."</p> + + <p>9th. Gangrenous condition of the tongue, proceeding + from a disordered liver, and mysteriously communicated to + the brain.</p> + + <p>10th. Any symptoms going to show that patient might + mistake another man's wife for his own.</p> + + <p>11th. Discovery at the last moment that patient's + father suffered himself to be hung for murder.</p> + + <p>PUNCHINELLO offers these as the accepted <i>data</i> + by which RABIES may measure his chances for life in case + he executes his avowed purpose, but I would impress upon + him the fact that these are necessary <i>outside</i> of + New-York only. Here proof of the lunacy of the maiden + aunt would be sufficient.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">UNCLE SAMUEL</p> + + <p>To His Lit-tle Lads in Con-gress.</p> + + <p>[A LESSON IN EASY WORDS OF ONE + SYLLABLE.]</p><span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">My lads! + I will be plain with, you:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">I am not pleased with + all you do.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">I hate to scold, and + yet I must;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And you will take it + well, I trust.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">When first I saw you, + nice and clean,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">It was a sight to show + the Queen!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">I was an ass to like + you so;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">But where we + <i>wish</i> to like, we do.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">I should have known it + could not be;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">For luck, of late, is + gone from me.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">No more I see the good + old times</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">When fools were fools, + and crimes were crimes,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And boys and men had + work to do,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And did not play till + work was through.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The times have changed; + so have the boys!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">I know this, when I + hear your noise,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And note your slack + work, day by day;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Each lad must have his + own small way,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">If it is but to loaf + and loll,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Or else, not to come in + at all,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Or not to care for what + is done</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">If so be it can yield + no fun,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Or else, to be as + coarse and rough,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">As rash and rude, and + grum and gruff,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">As though it were some + bear that spoke,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Whom all the world must + long to choke.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">For shame, my lads! I + let you draw</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">All I can spare to you + by law;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Each lad of you takes + all he can,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">But not a soul acts + like a man!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">What do you <i>do</i>, + for such fine pay?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">What have you done + these five months? Say!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">You know you ought to + do some good;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The friends that sent + you, think you should.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Have you no pride, no + sense! In fine,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Why do you waste their + time and mine?</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">If it could move you, + I'd tell how</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The boys that sat where + you sit now</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Once <i>earned</i> + their pay, and got the name</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Of fine, brave lads! + But you!—for shame!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Boys, I could thrash + you all, I fear!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">It may be, times will + change, this year—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Your friends all tire + of you, I know,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And what, if they + should let you go!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The school, through + you, has such a name</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">All good men feel a + kind of shame;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">They feel the world + must laugh, at last—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The world that could + not scorn the past!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Oh, think of that, my + lads! I see</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">You do not mean to turn + from me.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">From <i>me</i>, your + best of friends? Oh, no!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">I may seem grave, and + dull, and slow.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">But you and I, my lads, + are one!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Your fame, your blame, + I can not shun.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Much have I borne for + you, of late;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">But you are small, and + I am great!</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A Reflection for Recorder + Hackett.</p> + + <p>The GRAHAM bread bakers are useful members of the + community, but the same can not be said of GRAHAM bred + lawyers.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p>[Illustration: <span style= + "font-weight: bold;">CRITICAL INTELLIGENCE.</span></p> + + <p><i>Able Critic.</i> "BUT WHAT SORT OF A CREATURE IS + THAT UPON WHICH THE YOUNG WOMAN STANDS?"</p> + + <p><i>Artist (who likes to "sell" bores.)</i> "O! THAT'S + A GONOPH."</p> + + <p><i>Able Critic.</i> "AH! YES. I THOUGHT SO." <i>(And + he wonders what in thunder a "gonoph" is.)</i>]</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A SONG OF THE NEW + BABEL.</p> + + <p>[<i>Dedicated with sentiments of the most + inexpressible respect to the Members of the Forty-First + Congress.</i>]</p><span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em; font-weight: bold;">I.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Oh! who, for any + payment auriferous or argent,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Would undertake to do + the work that Mr. Speaker does—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">With nobody to help him + except the trembling Sergeant,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">While still begin and + never end the shout and scream and buzz?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Oh, never any where, + save in desert groves Brazilian,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Was ever heard such + endless and aimless gabble yet.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">For there the tribes of + monkeys to the number of a million,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Screech and chatter + without ceasing, from the sunrise to the set.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Rap! rap! + rap!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">To quell the rising + clamor;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Order! order! + order!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Hammer! hammer! + hammer!<br> + <br></span><br> + <span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em; font-weight: bold;">II.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">O strength of tongue + how awful! O power of lungs how mighty!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Whence draw ye, honest + gentlemen, your constant wind supply?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Whence comes your + inspiration, belligerent or flighty?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Your common-place that + grovels and your metaphors so high?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Pray, why not try, for + novelty, a kind of solo speaking?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">One man upon his + legs—only one upon the floor?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">For eloquence,'tis + possible, does not consist in shrieking,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And really where's the + argument in all this thundering roar?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Rap! rap! + rap!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">To quell the rising + clamor;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Order! order! + order!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Hammer! hammer! + hammer!<br> + <br></span><br> + <span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em; font-weight: bold;">III.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The country listens + sadly to the racket most distressing,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And wonders, in its + bother, if e'er the time will come</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">When the Fates and + Constitution will vouchsafe to us the blessing</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Of a House of + Representatives completely deaf and dumb;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Or if, perhaps, in + exile these noisy mischief-makers,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The stream of elocution + run most fortunately dry,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">In seats of + legislation, rows of ruminating Quakers</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">May shake their heads + for "Nay" and may nod their heads for "Aye."</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Rap! rap! + rap!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">To quell the rising + clamor;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Order! order! + order!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Hammer! hammer! + hammer!<br> + <br></span><br> + <span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em; font-weight: bold;">IV.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">But if these mighty + nuisances we cannot stop or flee 'em,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">If past all other + remedy the sounding evil reaches,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Oh, why not send for + GILMORE of the Boston Coliseum,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">That he may drill the + Members in a chorus to make speeches?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Then shall stop the + fierce <i>rencontre</i>—shall cease the idle + rating;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Then debates shall he + no longer without a head or tail;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And while the power of + song every soul is demonstrating,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Each member + cherubimical will scorn to rant or rail.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Rap! rap! + rap!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">To quell the rising + clamor;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Order! order! + order!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Hammer! hammer! + hammer!<br> + <br></span><br> + <span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em; font-weight: bold;">V.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">But if for solo + speaking Members still feel an avidity;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">If they burn to make + orations of most uncommon zest,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Let them just take our + precaution against intense stupidity!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Let them study + PUNCHINELLO and learn how to make a jest;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">But away with dreams + chimerical and projects vain, though clever!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The power of tongue's + proportionate to wondrous length of ear;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The beast that carried + BALAAM is as garrulous as ever,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And still the lobby + listener must be content to hear</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Rap! rap! + rap!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">To quell the rising + clamor;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Order! order! + order!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Hammer! hammer! + hammer!</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p>[Illustration: <span style= + "font-weight: bold;">BARNACLES ON OUR + COMMERCE.</span></p> + + <p><i>Intelligent Foreigner.</i> "WHY ARE ALL THESES + AMERICAN SHIPS LYING IDLE IN THEIR DOCKS, SIR, INSTEAD OF + EARNING MONEY AT SEA?"</p> + + <p><i>Despondent Ship-owner.</i> "IT'S ALL THE BARNACLES, + SIR. NO SHIP CAN SAIL WITH THEM ON, AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW + WE'RE GOING TO GET THEM OFF."]</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">CONDENSED CONGRESS.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SENATE.</p> + + <p>Just as usual, WILSON had another little scheme on + hand. There was no money in it—nothing but a little + Massachusetts glory. It was to set apart a day to + decorate the graves of the Union dead. Mr. WILSON + remembered that it would have been more consonant to his + own feelings to confine the ornamentations to the graves + of colored men and the men of Massachusetts. But for the + sake of peace and harmony he was willing to decorate all + round.</p> + + <p>Mr. GARRETT DAVIS suggested that it didn't make any + difference whether they set apart a day or not. If people + wished to decorate, they would decorate, and if they + didn't, they wouldn't.</p> + + <p>Mr. DRAKE said Mr. DAVIS'S hands were dripping with + loyal gore.</p> + + <p>Mr. DAVIS said he would reply to that insinuation the + first leisure week he had. In the meantime he contented + himself with hurling the foul slander back into Mr. + DRAKE'S teeth, if Mr. DRAKE had any.</p> + + <p>Lest Mr. DAVIS should execute his threat of making a + speech, the Senate referred the subject.</p> + + <p>Then there was a first-class wrangle about giving + pensions to Mrs. LINCOLN and Mrs. RAWLINGS. It was + represented that Mrs. LINCOLN was given up to riotous + living upon pumpernickel and ganzebroost, at a German + watering-place, and that there was a rumor afloat that + unless Congress pensioned her at once, she might marry a + German prince. Mr. SHERMAN, on behalf of the Finance + Committee, represented that German princes were + notoriously expensive and impecunious, and that it would + be much cheaper to pension Mrs. LINCOLN alone than to + pension her and a German prince together. He submitted + some statements, showing what it had cost Great Britain + to have German princes marrying into the Royal family. + The Senate, therefore, incontinently passed the bill.</p> + + <p>Mr. Morrill introduced a neat little swindle, which + does equal credit to his hand and heart, providing that + the United States should have the free use of all patents + granted under it. He said this was to discourage that + pernicious class of men, the inventors. In many branches + of industry, such as arms, the Government was the only + customer of the inventor. In those cases, the inventor's + gray hairs would be brought immediately to the grave. And + inasmuch as the Government had a finger in almost every + body's pie, the future FULTONS and GOODYEARS would starve + to death before the completion of their diabolical + devices.</p> + + <p>Some land-grabs were rushed through, when Mr. + SAULSBURY objected. He said nobody made any thing out of + this except the Western Senators. He called upon the men + of the Eastern States to stand up for their share. He had + a little game in the interest of his own constituents. It + was no chimerical railway. It was a good, substantial, + practical concern. He demanded six million acres in + behalf of the Delaware Balloon Navigation Company. If + this demand were not complied with, it would show that + the Senate were actuated by the basest personal + motives.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HOUSE.</p> + + <p>The gentle JULIAN insisted upon proposing his + sixteenth or seventeenth amendment. He said that he + understood several women intended to vote, and he + introduced this to preserve his domestic peace.</p> + + <p>Mr. JENCKES, for the forty-fifth time, called up his + Civil Service bill.</p> + + <p>Mr. BUTLER, for the thirty-seventh time, introduced a + bill to annex San Domingo.</p> + + <p>Mr. KELLEY and Mr. SCHENCK raved a neat but not new + duett, "Give us Tariff or give us Death."</p> + + <p>Mr. LOGAN gave a fine rendering of his famous bass + solo, "The Tariff be Hanged."</p> + + <p>Mr. SCHENCK intimated that Mr. LOGAN was an insect. At + first he said he was a pismire, but the Speaker said + pismire was not parliamentary, and he modified it to + grasshopper.</p> + + <p>Mr. KELLEY said that he took his stand upon American + pig-iron, for which our fathers fought and bled. Did they + never hear of Valley Forge? Our fathers suffered in that + forge for the sake of protecting their children in the + right to smelt in other forges. He said that the man who + could smelt two pigs of iron where only one was smelted + before, was a public benefactor.</p> + + <p>Mr. COX said he could not smelt a pig, but he thought + he smelt a rat.</p> + + <p>Mr. JENCKES said he thought his Civil Service bill + would tend to diminish stealing.</p> + + <p>Mr. PETERS said he would oppose it for that very + reason. He wished to reward his friends. It was no reward + for a man who stood by his country in her hour of peril, + to be given an office in which he had to work for a + living. What patriot would not be disgusted by the + ingratitude of a country which dared to insult him like + that? There was nothing in this bill to prevent a man + dripping with loyal gore from holding office, if he was + honest and intelligent; whereas, one of his, Mr. PETERS'S + staunchest supporters might be refused an office, if he + had the misfortune to be dishonest and dull. The notion + of making "capacity and integrity" a qualification for + office-holding was unprecedented, and was preposterous. + If things went on in this way, even members of Congress + would be compelled to do something for their pay. Now he + preferred to administer the public service on the good + old principle they all had practised, of "You tickle me + and I'll tickle you."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NOTES FROM CHICAGO.</p> + + <p>The Garden City seems to be in a quiescent state at + present. There is no startling divorce case on the + <i>topis</i>, and the main portion of the Court House has + not yet fallen in, and Mr. H.'s wife has not recently + surprised him in any well-matured plan for putting a + <i>quietus</i> upon her existence. Domestic felicity is + unusually prevalent. The scarlet-fever and measles have + prevailed to a somewhat alarming extent; but the most + contagious of all has been the <i>French</i> fever. This + malady seems to have spread amongst all classes; the + fashionable and the unfashionable, the strong-minded and + the frivolous. French teachers swarm like bees, here, + there, and every where, and all speaking the purest + Parisian French; even Mons. L'HARMONIQUE, who comes from + that wee little town in Canada, where the Canucks "most + do congregate." But he says "the Americans do love so + much humbug," that he gives them their fill of that + article.</p> + + <p>We have had French parties, French plays, French + lectures. We read French, speak French, sing French, and + look French; and, if you are so barbarously ignorant as + not to understand that language, why, you might just as + well retire for an old fossil or petrifaction. You're + obsolete, that's all; as much behind the times as RIP VAN + WINKLE himself, after his memorable sleep. English is out + of date here—a relic of the Dark Ages. Fashionable + ladies return from Paris, bringing with them accomplished + <i>bonnes</i>, and every one is prohibited from speaking + a word of English to the children; but, in spite of every + precaution, the vulgar little creatures will drop the + musical foreign tongue, and speak their own native + language. They are christened ADÈLE, MARIE, or + CLAIRE; the SUSANS, MARYS, and ELLENS having ceased to + exist.</p> + + <p>Parisian fashions, of course, reign triumphant, and + the pretty young girls in French frizzes and furbelows, + shrug their fair white shoulders exactly as they see + "that elegant Madame DE——" do, and gesticulate with + what they imagine to be the true French grace and + vivacity. They all have a charming young teacher, with + whom they carry on a most romantic flirtation, that of + course means nothing; and each one of these fair + students, (who conscientiously puts a "g" to every + termination possible, and who says <i>monseer</i>,) will + tell you, with a complacent smile, that Professor —— + considers her pronunciation unusually excellent. They are + all studying in the blissful anticipation of a trip to + Paris, where they will be presented to the Empress in + yellow satin gowns, and then, when they return, how + eagerly will they be sought by the fashionable young + snobs, who long will see upon their fair brows the + reflection of imperial glory. That is, if the dark-eyed + ROMEOS abroad allow them ever to return to their native + country.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p>[Illustration: MR. GLAUBER, DRUGGIST, WHO HAS HAD A + DISPUTE WITH HIS SIGN-PAINTER, IS NOT AWARE THAT THE + LATTER HAD COME IN THE NIGHT, AND TRANSPOSED THE + LETTERING OF HIS NEW SIGN-BOARD. THIS ACCOUNTS FOR THE + COMPLACENCY OF MR. G., AS HE VIEWS THE CROWDS OF PEOPLE + OVER THE WAY WHO STOP TO GAZE AT IT.]</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">COMIC ZOOLOGY,</p> + + <p>Order-Reptilia.</p> + + <p>SPECIES-BULLFROG.</p> + + <p>Although the batrachian is of the genus <i>bufo</i>, + he is by no means a <i>buffo</i> genius. He may be styled + the solemn organist of the swamp; slough music being his + specialty. Like other out-door performers on wind + instruments, he is chiefly heard in pleasant weather, and + during the summer his organ is without stops. Being a + Democrat, he appreciates the dignity of labor, and + consequently is not ashamed to blow his own bellows.</p> + + <p>Winter shuts the bull-frog up like a four-bladed + jack-knife, and he does not open until the blades are + started by the Spring. He seldom leaves his mud bivouac + for active service before April, but a Forward March + sometimes induces him to move earlier. As a rule, + however, the smaller varieties of the species begin to + ply their bog-pipes some weeks before he volunteers a + voluntary.</p> + + <p>Originally, this member of the Frog family had no + surname, but about two thousand years ago, in consequence + of his disastrous failure in an attempt to rival a male + animal of the bovine species, the prefix "bull" was + incorporated with his patronymic by a crooked little + Greek. The name, however, more appropriately belongs to + the Horned Frog of Sumatra.</p> + + <p>The habits of the Bull-Frog are believed by observant + naturalists to be strictly temperate, although there is a + rumor afloat that he has been seen Over the Bay in + New-Jersey. It is suspected, however, that the + originators of the story were persons who visited that + State to avoid the restrictions of the Sunday liquor-law, + and consequently saw as through a glass darkly. Be that + as it may, it is certain that this species of reptiles + (unlike the "paragon of animals,") is never too drunk to + navigate.</p> + + <p>Mankind is deeply indebted to the Bull-Frog. We should + never have known how to keep our heads above water but + for their example, and, though Mr. CHASE may not be aware + of the fact, their greenbacks were the first that ever + issued from the Banks of America. Naturally, therefore, + they are in advance of SALMON, and, long before he put + our currency on its present footing, the hinder limb of a + bull-frog was a legal tender.</p> + + <p>The frog exists in most parts of the world, and at one + time all the varieties of the species were Plaguily + abundant in Egypt. They were introduced there to punish + the people for their rascality, and appeared in such + numbers among the Egyptian blacklegs that they stopped + the game of PHARAOH. There is nothing poetic in the + aspect of the frog. It is simply a tenaqueous bag of + wind, yet it has occasionally given an impulse to the + divine <i>afflatus</i>. We have it on the authority of + the celebrated traveller Count SMORLTORK that the + distinguished Mrs. LEO HUNTER, once wrote an "Ode to a + Perspiring Frog."</p> + + <p>The costume of a Bull-Frog consists of a green coat + with yellow vest and brownish breeches, and when he + requires a change of uniform, he pulls off the old one + and swallows it. This fact has been doubted; but why + should It be deemed incredible? Are there not parallel + cases in the human family? GOLDSMITH tells us that he + once lived for a fortnight on his coat and waistcoat; and + every pawnbroker knows that a cast-off suit often + furnishes the material for a family dinner. Why should + not a frog sustain life with his Pants as well as a + Christian?</p> + + <p>Common brown frogs are good baits for FISH in most of + the counties in this State; but when you go to HAMILTON + try the greenbacks.</p> + + <p>The unlicked cubs of the batrachian family are known + (irrespective of sex) as Pollywogs, and are the meanest + of all the reptile race except the radical Scaliwags. + They are all heads and tails, and then, not the toss of a + copper to choose between the two ends, as regards + hideousness. The manner in which the tails are gradually + developed into legs is very curious, but, as this is not + a Caudal lecture, it is unnecessary to describe the + process.</p> + + <p>It has been metrically stated that the fast young + batrachian goes a wooing in an Opera hat, irrespective of + his mother's consent, but this assertion is not borne out + by BUFFON or CUVIER, and maybe set down as a <i>lapsus + lyrea</i>. Upon the whole the Bull-Frog, though harmless + as a lamb, is nearly as stupid as a donkey, which + accounts for his taking up his abode among Morasses, when + he might dwell in the woods with the turtle and "feel + like a bird." Furthermore, and finally, the subject is a + slippery one and difficult to handle, and, therefore, + with this remark we drop it.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A Clerical Error.</p> + + <p>A PRESBYTERIAN clergyman, the Rev. CHARLES B. SMYTHE, + has been scandalizing a community in New-Jersey by + putting gin in his milk, and that on a Sunday afternoon. + From the rebuke administered to Rev. SMYTHE by the + authorities of his church, it appears that his case must + have been a very aggravated one. They admonished him to + "walk more correctly in future;" the inference to be + drawn from which is that the amount of milk-punch, + outside of which Rev. SMYTHE had placed himself, was + sufficient to impart a stagger to his gait.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Right to a T.</p> + + <p>The employment of Chinese laborers to build railroads + is very suggestive of a well-known product of the + Celestial Empire, since railroad tracks are usually laid + with T rails.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">"What's in a Name?"</p> + + <p>Letters of the Alphabet.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A Be-Knighted Set.</p> + + <p>The Canadian Government.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO + CORRESPONDENCE.</p> + + <p>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</p> + + <p><i>Anxious Inquirer</i>. Can you give me any clue to + the whereabouts of Collector BAILEY? I have advertised + repeatedly for information concerning him without the + slightest success.</p> + + <p>N.B. PUNCHINELLO begs to give notice that he doesn't + keep a detective police agency, but the gentleman in + question is said to be in <i>Esse</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Economist</i>. Is a gentleman who invites a lady to + the theatre obliged to hire a carriage to take her + in?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. Not at all. He can Take her In by not + keeping his appointment, or—he can charter an omnibus if + he likes.</p> + + <p><i>Vinous</i>. Can you give me any information about + high wines and dry wines? Can wines be high and not dry, + or both high and dry, or how? Please explain. Was HENRI + do BOURBON the last of the Bourbons?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i> I. DELMONICO'S <i>Clos Vouguet</i> at + $16 per bottle is a high wine but not a dry wine. It + might be, though, if it wasn't wet. II. Not by a good + many.</p> + + <p>X. Please, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, who were CASTOR and + POLLUX?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. Twins. (By Gemini you ought to have + known that!)</p> + + <p><i>Scissors</i>. Where can I have access to old files + of the leading news-papers?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. In the editorial rooms of the same. You + must be brief, however, as their time is valuable, and + these Old Files are apt to be crusty, if bored.</p> + + <p><i>Old Salt</i>. How can sea-sickness be avoided?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. By never going to sea.</p> + + <p><i>Linnaeus</i>. Does a knowledge of botany + necessarily involve a knowledge of square root and cube + root?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. Our correspondent is evidently trying + to quiz us. PUNCHINELLO will pay no attention to levity + of this sort.</p> + + <p><i>Claude</i>. I desire to make a few presents to a + young lady who is intellectual but very timid. What shall + I give her?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. Presents of Mind.</p> + + <p><i>M.C.</i> I am going to buy a new faro-table for my + place up-town—you know where. What is the best shape and + material?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. A Square Deal table generally suite + <i>players</i> the best.</p> + + <p><i>Williams</i>. No, sir; the term Fiscal year has no + reference to Col. FISK, Jr.</p> + + <p><i>Gardener</i>. Haydn's Book of Dates is not a + Horticultural book.</p> + + <p><i>Byron, Jr</i>. Your verses would be much better if + you would pay less attention to your Feet and more to + your Head.</p> + + <p><i>M.J.B.</i> Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Our darling little + pet, Tinkums, is not well, and does nothing but cry all + night, to Charlie's great vexation. What will stop the + little darling's crying?</p> + + <p>We would suggest a hot pitch plaster directly over the + mouth—that is, if the child was in the house with + us.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Ego Sum.</p> + + <p>I am some. (Pumpkins understood.)</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The Milky Way.</p> + + <p>The road from Orange County.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Edwin to Emma.</p> + + <p>Flax Vobiscum.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SAILING DIRECTIONS</p> + + <p>FOR ENTERING AND LEAVING YOKOHAMA BAY.</p> + + <p>From our special correspondent if Washington we have + received the following Special Order of the Navy + Department, directing United States men-of-war how to + approach and leave Yokohama:</p> + + <p>SPECIAL ORDER NO. 999.</p> + + <p>In consequence of the late disaster to the U.S. sloop + Oneida, the following rules are hereby published for the + guidance of vessels of war approaching the Bay of + Yokohama:</p> + + <p>I. On making the land, or if at night, on striking the + soundings, all hands will be called to prayers.</p> + + <p>II. After prayers all boats will be lowered and towed + astern, to be out of the way of damage.</p> + + <p>III. The gunner, under direction of the executive + officer, will dismount all guns, and strike them into the + hold. The reasons for this action will be at once + apparent to commanders of vessels, when they reflect + that, in case of collision, the guns would be useless as + signals, owing to the extraordinary deafness of the + officers belonging to the Peninsular and Oriental Mail + Steamship Company; and a reference to the details of the + Oneida's disaster will show the danger of the guns + breaking loose and destroying human life. They will, + therefore, be at once stowed in the hold.</p> + + <p>IV. On entering the bay, the helm must be kept + amidships. The rule of the road, according to English + interpretation, is so difficult of comprehension that the + above is by far the safest plan.</p> + + <p>V. Each officer and man will be directed to secure + upon his person such valuables belonging to him as he can + conveniently carry.</p> + + <p>VI. Finally, it shall be the duty of the commander to + see that all hands are provided with life-preservers.</p> + + <p>VII. The same rules will apply to vessels leaving + Yokohama and proceeding to sea.</p> + + <p>VIII. Having taken the above precautions, vessels may + stand boldly into the bay, and in case they are run into + and sunk by any other vessel (say for example one of the + Peninsular and Oriental Company's ships) their officers + and men will stand some little chance of saving their + lives. But should all precautions fail, the gallant crew + will be no doubt greatly consoled, as they sink to their + graves, by the reflection that a pious Congress will pass + resolutions of sympathy for their widows and + orphans.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A PLEA FOR PROTECTION.</p> + + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: I like your paper, though it is + altogether too light and trifling in its treatment of + serious subjects. Besides, it never treats of any thing + serious. This won't do. The earnest men and women of the + nation require something better at your hands. I have an + essay on the "Origin of Evil," which I forward to you by + this mail, and which, when published, will give an + entirely different character to your journal. I want you, + moreover, to advocate our American doctrine of + Protection. Even our ablest statesmen, KELLEY, GREELEY, + and DANIEL PRATT, have never carried this doctrine far + enough. They are willing to protect American iron-masters + by prohibiting the introduction of foreign iron, but why + don't they protect American laborers by forbidding + foreign workmen to land on our shores? I demand + protection for the native ditcher. Forbid the Irishmen to + land here and to lower the price of labor by competing + with our own ditch-diggers. Put a stop to the influx of + German tailors and bootmakers, who prevent native artists + from earning the wages that would otherwise be theirs. + Protect our authors by prohibiting the sale of works + written by foreigners. Keep all foreign pictures out of + the country, and give our own POWELLS and ROSSITERS a + chance. And, above all, protect our American girls by + preventing any pretty English, French, or German girls + from coming in competition with them. These foreign girls + bring their pretty faces here and glut the matrimonial + market. The fewer the marriageable girls, the higher + their market value. We protect iron-workers, and decline + to protect our own daughters. This is an outrage. Shall + we prevent the railroad companies from laying rails made + of foreign iron, and permit husbands to marry foreign + wives? Every patriotic and protectionist instinct revolts + against it. I want you to take this matter up. Let us + have no more foreign manufactures, foreign iron, foreign + books, foreign laborers, or foreign girls. This is the + true American system, and I look to you to aid in + carrying it out. MOTHER CAREY.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO IS SORRY.</p> + + <p>Alas! it is with tears in his eyes, albeit + unaccustomed to such humor, that PUNCHINELLO condoles + with the ladies of Massachusetts on the defeat of the + proposition to endow them with the right of suffrage. The + Puritan Patriots in the State Legislature, who + unanimously recognize the "inborn right" of the black + field-hands of South Carolina and Georgia to make laws + for the white women of the Republic, have scornfully + denied, by a vote of 133 to 68, that the white women + aforesaid have any political rights at all; thus + officially proclaiming to the world that they consider + their wives, their daughters, and the mothers that bore + them, inferior to the ignorant male African; unworthy to + vote with him at the polls or to sit with him in + council.</p> + + <p>PUNCHINELLO is aware that the ladies of Massachusetts + had set their hearts upon rising to the negro level + "before the law," and can therefore appreciate their + disappointment; but they ought to have known that neither + the ties of nature, the bonds of wedlock, nor the claims + of intelligence, are of any force in the Home of the + Pilgrims, as compared with the influence of the Ebony + Lords of Creation, whoso reign as sovereigns commenced + with the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment.</p> + + <p>The STANTONS, the BLACKWELLS, and the ANTHONYS, the + Members of the Women's Parliament and the Sisters of + Sorosis, advocated negro suffrage with the full + expectation of sharing the franchise with PETE and CUFF; + but alas! while these wool-dyed Africans are conducted in + triumph to the ballot-box, <i>they</i> are ignominiously + thrust back from it. For this black wrong there is no + colorable pretext. There is not a shade of excuse for it, + and PUNCHINELLO hopes that it will open the eyes of the + ladies of the land, and prevent them henceforth and for + ever from placing the slightest confidence in the + gallantry or impartiality of the Puritanic prigs of + New-England.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.</b></p> + + <p>[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET + VENUS.]</p> + + <p><b>No. III.</b></p> + + <p><i>D.</i> Now then, father, for that Description of + the Telescope!</p> + + <p><i>F.</i> Very well, my child. The great Object of the + telescope—</p> + + <p><i>D.</i> Is the Object-Glass, is it not, father?</p> + + <p><i>F.</i> Come, come, HELENE; no nonsense, now. The + great object had in view by the inventors of the + telescope—</p> + + <p><i>D.</i> Father, don't you mean the Great Object they + <i>expected</i> to have in view, when they got it made; a + Distant World, for instance?</p> + + <p><i>F.</i> Pshaw, child! be serious. Don't spoil a good + thing by untimely interjections. They are as mal + à propos as a mosquito coming across the Field + of View.</p> + + <p><i>D.</i> I'd rather he'd do that than come across + <i>me!</i></p> + + <p><i>F.</i> Well, HELENE, you are positively + exasperating!</p> + + <p><i>D.</i> Not more so than your mosquito.</p> + + <p><i>F.</i> Well, I declare—this is too bad!</p> + + <p><i>D.</i> So is his bite!</p> + + <p><i>F.</i> Well, well; I must walk out and take the + air. [<i>Going</i>]</p> + + <p><i>D.</i> Yes, pa, (and see that you don't take + anything else!) Now, then! for a grand look for my + Charmer! Really, I am getting quite Earthly! [<i>Looks + through the instrument a few moments</i>] Why, what is + this? Oh, pshaw! I see! I've got JUPITER by mistake! I + mistook one of his Belts for a new Belt Railroad. It + would have been a Big Thing, that railroad; not less than + 75,000 miles long, as I figure it. Perhaps those Belts + <i>are</i> Railroads! Perhaps they have Rings there, as + they have at Saturn, only less conspicuous. JUPITER is + rather a Slushy planet, if I am correct in regard to its + Specific Gravity; of about the consistency, perhaps, of + the New-York Poultice Pavement I've been reading about. I + should think that JUPITER'S lack of gravity and + consistency would make him a favorite with Aldermen—not + the less for having so many Satellites. I wonder if the + New Charter is the celebrated Magna Charter under a new + name? Probably it is no better. Oh, dear! the annoyance + of living so far away! Nothing here attracts me. The + distant, the unattainable, is all I think or care + about!</p> + + <p><span style="font-style: italic;">F.</span> [<i>Coming + in quietly.</i>] What's that, HELENE, about the charms of + the Unattainable? You don't seem to see any thing very + attractive in MERCURY or MARS!</p> + + <p><i>D.</i> Well, some things may be both unattainable + and undesirable. That's the case with the little thieving + god MERCURY, and that big red-skinned Prize-Fighter, + MARS. I can't understand, however, why these disreputable + deities should he worshipped in your favorite + New-York.</p> + + <p><i>F.</i> Well, as near as I can see, (a matter of a + few million miles, more or less,) when you speak of + Worship, they have more regard there for Millinery than + any thing else. The Christian Religion is based on + Humility, which has Purity and Simplicity for her + Handmaids. Look into some of these New-York churches! see + how the jewels glisten, the rich stuffs fall gracefully + in massive folds. Observe the sumptuousness, the + elaborate display! A fine Humility this! Then look at the + ceremonial. Here is a church edifice, belonging to a + denomination that assumes to be Decent and Orderly in + ceremony. Is it so in <i>this</i> church? What means all + this tawdriness of color, the crimson, the blue, the + gold; what signify these fantastic designs and figures, + these monkey-like genuflexions; this wilderness of sign + and symbol, this elaborate abasement, this theatrical + show of exaltation? This an improvement on the old + dignified simplicity? Do you tell me that childishness, + and prettiness, and pettiness, are valid substitutes for + a genuine, manly modesty and simplicity?</p> + + <p><i>D.</i> (Oh, dear! he's been drinking again! How + bitter the Bitters do make him!) Look! Father, come, + quick! Here is a Railroad Accident, such as you have + often wished to see. Two trains have collided, and both + have rolled down an embankment at least seventy feet + high! into a river, I do declare! They are all lost!</p> + + <p><i>F.</i> Do let me see at once, HELENE I [<i>Looks + eagerly.</i>] Ah, yes; all gone; nothing visible but one + smoke-pipe, three stove-pipe hats, four bits of + orange-peel, some pea-nut shells, and thirteen copies of + the <i>New-York Ledger</i>. Sad fate! But see! Some + dry-goods-no, a young lady flounders along toward the + shore! The bystanders rush up; she is nearly exhausted; + pants rapidly; they congratulate her. A well-dressed + young man approaches. She instantly begins to think of + her looks; her hand flies to her back hair. Heavens! + there is so much gone there that she shrieks in alarm! + Her fall in the water has detached her Waterfall! + <i>That</i> gone, every thing is gone! She springs to her + feet! Glancing hurriedly over the watery waste, now + plentifully strewn with fans, little canes, and certain + objects which are either mail-bags or <i>chignons</i>, + she descries her better part, and with a wild cry, (as + when a mother rescues her babe from tigers,) dashes in + and seizes the darling object! She presses it to her + lips, and impetuously breaks for the shore! Alas! too + late, by about ten and a half seconds! "Save it!" she + seems to cry; tosses the wad ashore, and down she goes, + with her hand on the back of her head, her last thoughts, + evidently, more or less, connected with that sympathizing + young man on the bank above.</p> + + <p><i>D.</i> Father, you talk like a brute! Have you no + feeling? Boo-hoo hoo-hoo!</p> + + <p><i>F.</i> Child, I am <i>all</i> feeling. + Boo-hoo-hoo-too!</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>HORTICULTURAL HINTS.</b></p> + + <p>KITCHEN GARDEN.—Plant pickles early, if you are up in + time; if not, later. But don't eat them late, unless you + are equally fond of dyspepsia.</p> + + <p>In planting peas, select that kind that does not grow + hard and yellow; that is, unless you supply + boarding-houses, or have a government contract for the + supply of shot.</p> + + <p>Grated turnips, mixed with horse-radish, for the + table, will assuage one's grief for one's + grandmother.</p> + + <p>Rice-puddings can be grown, ready-made, by sowing rice + with cowcumbers. Try it.</p> + + <p>NURSERY.—Transplant from hot-beds to bath-tub as soon + as possible, using sponge with palm-soap and cold water. + Top-dress with comb and brush. Trim limbs according to + age. Train with rods. Much depends on starting right, so + start to school right after breakfast.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" align="center" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A, T. STEWART + & CO.</big></big><br> + <small>HAVE MADE<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">LARGE + ADDITIONS</span></small><br> + <small>TO ALL THEIR</small></p> + + <p><big><big>Popular—Stocks</big></big></p> + + <p><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Bareges, + Organdies,</big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">JACONETS, + PERCALES,</span> Embroideries, Laces,<br> + <small><small>LADIES AND CHILDREN'S</small></small><br> + <big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">UNDERGARMENTS,</span></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Dresses, + Sacques,</span><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BOURNOUS, + SHAWLS,</span></p> + + <p><big>Real India Camels Hair Shawls,</big></p> + + <p><small style="font-weight: bold;">53c EACH AND + UPWARDS,</small><br> + <small>PARIS AND DOMESTIC MADE</small><br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;">LADIES' HATS, BONNETS, + &C</big></p> + + <p><small>AND A VARIETY OF</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>MILLINERY + ARTICLES.</big></p> + + <p>BROADWAY,<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Fourth Ave., Ninth and + Tenth Sts.</span></p> + </td> + + <td rowspan="3" style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> + <big><big><big>SPECIAL</big></big></big></p> + + <p><big><big><big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO + PREMIUMS.</b></big></big></big></big></p> + + <p>By special arrangement with</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>L. PRANG + & CO.,</big></big></big></p> + + <p>We offer the following Elegant Premiums for new + Subscribers to</p> + + <p>PUNCHINELLO:</p> + + <p><big><big><b>"Awakening."</b></big></big> (A Litter of + Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, 8-3/8 by 11-1/8, price + $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for one year, for + $4.00.</p> + + <p><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"Wild + Roses."</span></big></big> Chromo, 12-1/8 by 9, price + $3.00, or any other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper + for one year for $5.00.</p> + + <p><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"The Baby + in Trouble."</span></big></big> Chromo, 13 by 16-1/4, + price $6.00 or any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at + $3.00, and a copy of the paper for one year, for + $6.00.</p> + + <p><big><big><b>"Sunset,</b>—<b>California + Scenery,"</b></big></big> after A. Bierstadt, 18-1/8 by + 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and a copy + of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four + Chromos, and four copies of the paper for one year in one + order, for clubs of FOUR, for $23.00.</p> + + <p>We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG + & CO.'S Chromos, from which a selection can be made, + if the above is not satisfactory, and are prepared to + make special terms for clubs to any amount, and to + agents.</p> + + <p>Postage of paper is payable at the office where + received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per + quarter in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed + free</i> on receipt of money.</p> + + <p>Remittances should be made in P. O. Orders, Drafts, or + Bank Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper + will be sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) + when not otherwise ordered.</p> + + <p>Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will + be offered for a limited time only. On receipt of a + postage-stamp we will send a copy of No. 1 to any one + desiring to get up a club.</p> + + <p>Address</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>PUNCHINELLO + PUBLISHING CO.,</big></big></p> + + <p>P.O. Box 2783.</p> + + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A. T. STEWART + & CO,</big></big><br> + <small>OFFER</small></p> + + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE MOST + EXTENSIVE AND</span></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">SELECT + ASSORTMENT</span></big><br> + <small>IN THE CITY OF</small><br> + <small style="font-weight: bold;">Ladies' and + Gentlemen's</small><br> + <big><big>FURNISHING GOODS</big></big></p> + + <p><small><small>AND WILL CONTINUE TO RECEIVE BY EACH AND + EVERY STEAMER THE LATEST</small></small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>PARIS AND LONDON + NOVELTIES.</small></p> + + <p><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Fourth Avenue, Ninth and + Tenth Streets.</span></p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A. T. Stewart + & Co.</big></big><br> + <small><small>ARE OFFERING</small></small><br> + <small><small>EXTRAORDINARY INDUCEMENTS + TO</small></small><br> + <big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">HOUSEKEEPERS,</span></big></big><br> + <small style="font-weight: bold;">IN</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">LINENS, + SHEETINGS,</span><br> + Damasks, Napkins,<br> + <small style="font-weight: bold;">TOWELINGS, DRESS + LINENS,</small><br> + PRINTED LINENS,<br> + <small>FLANNELS, BLANKETS, QUILTS,</small><br> + <big><big style= + "font-weight: bold;">COUNTERPANES,</big></big><br> + <small>BLEACHED AND BROWN COTTONS,</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">SHEETINGS, + ETC.,</span><br> + CARPETS,<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">UPHOLSTERY + GOODS,</span></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CURTAINS,</span><br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">CURTAIN + MATERIALS,</span></small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Cocoa and Canton + Matting,</span><br> + English and Domestic Oil Cloths,<br> + etc., etc., etc.</p> + + <p><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br style= + "font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Ave., 9th and 10th + Sts</span>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" align="center" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="66%" rowspan="2"> + <center> + <p>[Illustration: <span style="font-weight: bold;">THE + LOBBY OF THE FUTURE</span>.</p> + + <p>SHOWING THE WAY IN WHICH ANY GOOD-LOOKING MEMBER OF + CONGRESS MAY BE LIABLE TO "INTERVIEWING" WHEN LOVELY + WOMAN SHALL HAVE OBTAINED THE RIGHT OF SUFFRAGE.]</p> + </center> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <b>"The Printing House of the United States."</b> + + <p><big><big><b>GEO.F. NESBITT & + CO.,</b></big></big></p> + + <p>General <b>JOB PRINTERS,</b><br> + BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> + STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> + LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,<br> + COPPER-Plate Engravers and Printers,<br> + CARD Manufacturers,<br> + FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.</p> + + <p><b>163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and + 79 PINE ST., New-York.</b></p> + + <p>Advantages. All on the same premises, and under + immediate supervision of the proprietors.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b style= + "font-family: helvetica,arial,sans-serif;">Bowling Green + Savings-Bank,</b><br> + 33 BROADWAY,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NEW-YORK.</p> + + <p>Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + + <p>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand + Dollars, will be received.</p> + + <p>Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.</p> + + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">INTEREST ON NEW + DEPOSITS</span> Commences on the first of every + month.</p> + + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i>.<br> + REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>. WALTER ROCHE,<br> + EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents.</i></p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> are celebrated for + their close resemblance to Oil Paintings. Sold in all + Art and Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S WEEKLY + BULLETIN: "Bo-Peep," "Queen of the Woods," "First + Lesson in Music," "Travelling Comedians," "City and + Country Life." Illustrated Catalogues sent on receipt + of a stamp by</small></p> + + <p><b>L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <h2>PUNCHINELLO:</h2> + + <h1><b>TERMS TO CLUBS.</b></h1> + + <p>WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS</p> + </center> + + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>FIRST:</small></small></p> + </center> + + <p><i>DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,</i></p> + + <p>The most complete and desirable machine ever yet + introduced for spinning purposes.</p> + + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>SECOND:</small></small></p> + </center> + + <p><i>BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.</i></p> + + <p>These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, + as well as useful; and every lady should have one, as + they can make every conceivable kind of crochet or fancy + work upon them.</p> + + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>THIRD:</small></small></p> + </center> + + <p><i>BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER.</i></p> + + <p>This is the most perfect and complete machine in the + world. It knits every thing.</p> + + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>FOURTH:</small></small></p> + </center> + + <p><i>AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND + SEWING-MACHINE.</i></p> + + <p>This great combination machine is the last and + greatest improvement on all former machines. No. 1, with + finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover, complete, + price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole + parts, etc., price, $60.</p> + + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small>WE WILL SEND THE</small></p> + </center> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="6" border="0" align= + "center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">Family Spinner,</td> + + <td align="left">price, $8,</td> + + <td align="left">for 4 subscribers and $16.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.1 Crochet,</td> + + <td align="left">price, $8,</td> + + <td align="left">for 4 subscribers and $16.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.2 Crochet,</td> + + <td align="left">price, $15,</td> + + <td align="left">for 6 subscribers and $24.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.1 Automatic + Knitter,<br> + 72 needles,</td> + + <td align="left">price, $30,</td> + + <td align="left">for 12 subscribers and $48.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.2 Automatic + Knitter,<br> + 84 needles,</td> + + <td align="left">price, $33,</td> + + <td align="left">for 13 subscribers and $52.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.3 Automatic + Knitter,<br> + 100 needles,</td> + + <td align="left">price, $37,</td> + + <td align="left">for 15 subscribers and $60.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">No.4 Automatic Knitter,</td> + + <td align="left">2 cylinders,<br> + 72 needles<br> + 1 100 needles</td> + + <td align="left">price, $40.</td> + + <td align="left">for 16 subscribers and $64.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No. 1 American + Buttonhole<br> + and Overseaming Machine,</td> + + <td align="left">price, $75,</td> + + <td align="left">for 30 subscribers and $120.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">No. 2 American Buttonhole<br> + and Overseaming Machine,</td> + + <td align="left">without buttonhole<br> + parts, etc.,</td> + + <td align="left">price, $60,</td> + + <td align="left">for 25 subscribers and $100.</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Descriptive Circulars</p> + + <p>Of all these machines will be sent upon application to + this office, and full instructions for working them will + be sent to purchasers.</p> + + <p>Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, + may deduct seventy-five cents upon each full subscription + sent for four subscribers and upward, and after the first + remittance for four subscribers may send single names as + they obtain them, deducting the commission.</p> + + <p>Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank + Checks, or Drafts on New-York City; or if these can not + be obtained, then by Registered Letters, which any + post-master will furnish.</p> + + <p>Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or + the net amount only will be credited.</p> + + <p>Directions for shipping machines must be full and + explicit, to prevent error. In sending subscriptions give + address, with Town, County, and State.</p> + + <p>The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per + year, payable quarterly in advance, at the place where it + is received. Subscribers in the British Provinces will + remit twenty cants in addition to subscription.</p> + + <p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed + to P.O. Box 2783.</p><br> + + <p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY</p> + + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street,</p> + + <p>NEW-YORK</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>S.W. GREEN, + PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + <br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 8 *** + +This file should be named 8p10810h.htm or 8p10810h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p10811h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p10810ah.htm + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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