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diff --git a/old/7p10610.txt b/old/7p10610.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fec2c65 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/7p10610.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2663 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9960] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on November 5, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 6 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEARLY READY. | + | | + | ALASKA and its RESOURCES. | + | | + | By W. H. DALL, | + | | + | Director of the Scientific Corps of the Western Union | + | Telegraph Expedition. | + | | + | Full Octavo, with nearly One Hundred Elegant Illustrations, | + | engraved by the late JOHN ANDREW, from drawings by the | + | Author. This volume contains not only the record of a THREE | + | YEARS residence in Alaska--made under the most favorable | + | circumstances for explorations--but a complete history of | + | the country gathered from every available source. It is very | + | full in details of Productions, Climate, Soil, Temperature, | + | Language, the Manners and Customs of its peoples, etc., | + | etc.; and is the most valuable, as well as the most | + | authentic, addition to the history of Alaska. And is one of | + | the most elegant books issued in America. | + | | + | LEE & SHEPARD, Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. | + | | + | THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | SUPPLIED BY THE | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | We recommend for bank and office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | _Sole Agents for United States._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO + +Vol. I. No. 6. + +SATURDAY, MAY 7, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + * * * * * + +_CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the paper for +binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of One Dollar, by +"Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau Street, New-York City._ + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The Greatest Horse Book ever Published. | + | | + | HIRAM WOODRUFF | + | | + | ON THE | + | | + | TROTTING HORSE OF AMERICA! | + | | + | _How to Train and Drive Him._ | + | | + | With Reminiscenses of the Trotting Turf. A handsome 12mo, | + | with a splendid steel-plate portrait of Hiram Woodruff. | + | Price, extra cloth, $2.25. | + | | + | The New-York _Tribune_ says, "_This is a Masterly Treatise | + | by The Master of his Profession_--the ripened product of | + | forty years' experience in Handling, Training, Riding, and | + | Driving the Trotting Horse. There is no book like it in any | + | language on the subject of which it treats." | + | | + | BONNHE says in the _Ledger_, "It is a book for which every | + | man who owns a horse ought to subscribe. The information | + | which it contains is worth ten times its cost." For sale by | + | all booksellers, or single copies sent postpaid on receipt | + | of price. | + | | + | Agents wanted. | + | | + | J. B. FORD & CO., Printing-House Square, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET, | + | | + | New-York, | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | + | | + | any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | + | calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Notice to Ladies. | + | | + | DIBBLEE, | + | | + | Of 854 Broadway, | + | | + | Has just received a large assortment of all the latest | + | styles of Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. | + | | + | FROM PARIS, | + | | + | Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | + | | + | La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, La Sirene, | + | L'Imperatrice, etc., | + | | + | At prices varying from $2 upward. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HERCULES MUTUAL | + | | + | LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY | + | | + | OF THE UNITED STATES | + | | + | No. 240 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. | + | | + | All Policies | + | | + | Entitled to Participation in Profits. | + | | + | Dividends Declared Annually. | + | | + | JAMES D. REYMERT, President. | + | | + | ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary | + | | + | THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., Medical Examiner. | + | | + | ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers | + | who have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, | + | or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance. $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783. | + | | + | _(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of all new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents | + | each delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | AT | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | AND AT | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | AMERICAN | + | | + | BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last and greatest | + | improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to | + | all the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES: | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + | $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | + | to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | + | market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | + | purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY SPEAR, | + | | + | STATIONER, PRINTER, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. | + | | + | ACCOUNT BOOKS MADE TO ORDER. | + | | + | PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. | + | | + | 82 Wall Street, NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: YE YONGE MANNE OF MANHATTAN. + +Ye Yonge Manne is born, and his parents hasten with him to ye abode of +ye BROWN, praying that he may be christened among ye upper tenne. + +And when ye Yonge Manne takes a daughter of ye upper tenne to wife, ye +BROWN sees that he is married in ye BROWN his church. + +Ye BROWN demands if ye parents put in their coal in ye Summer time; and, +being told that they do, he has ye Yonge Manne christened in his church, +and when he grows up ye BROWN introduces him into Society. + +And when ye Yonge Manne he dies, ye BROWN arranges with all ye gardeners +and black-goods men. And so, ye Yonge Manne, he is done entirely BROWN.] + + * * * * * + + THE BACHELOR'S MOVING-DAY. + AHA! + A mere half-hour's bother! + Suppose I were a father-- + A luckless wight, called "Pa"! + + I'd say, + "Now curse the restless rover + That first (despising clover!) + Invented Moving-day!" + + O yes! + Especially, if moving + Was likely to be proving + (As usual) a mess! + + Why, look! + You've got no end of articles. + Sure to be smashed to particles, + Or "snaked off" with a "hook"! + + You've got + Chairs, bedsteads, tables, crockery-- + (Recital seems a mockery!) + You've got--what have you not? + + What's worse, + Your things won't fit new places, + Your wife won't like new faces-- + Your very maid will curse! + + Your hat + And other things _do_ fall so! + And children they _do_ bawl so! + Good heavens! think of that, + + And think + Of possible colds and fevers-- + Cartmen that prove deceivers-- + Nothing to eat or drink! + + Small bliss + For bachelors so lonely--. + Tired of one thing only: + But they escape all this! + + And pray, + What man with sons and daughters + Don't sigh for bachelor quarters + About the First of May? + + * * * * * + +Printed, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE DELIGHTS OF DOUGHERTY. + +At the Banquet of the Army of the Potomac in Philadelphia, Mr. DANIEL +DOUGHERTY made one of the most extraordinary speeches on record, if we +except certain forensic efforts of Mr. PUNCHINELLO delivered during the +earlier stages of his career from his box. Mr. DOUGHERTY is a Soarer, +and a Spreader, and a Screamer. Speaking metaphorically, be goes higher, +measures more from the tip of one wing to the other, and is more +suggestive of the warbling of a locomotive in his speech than any other +Eagle in Philadelphia, which is saying a great deal. DANIEL is a Giant +of Rhetoric, and would remind us of the Big Gentleman from Cardiff, only +that mysterious personage is too heavy to Soar; for which reason he +usually occupies the ground floor, which Mr. DOUGHERTY does not do by +any manner of means. + +It was this extraordinary capacity of Mr. DOUGHERTY for Soaring which +caused him to be called upon by the Army of the Potomac for a speech. +The great D. begins by declaring that he would rather speak for his +country than for Pennsylvania, which, considering that he also declared +that he came "as a modest spectator," does not strike us as the depth of +humility. However, "my bosom," said Mr. D., "is not confined to any +locality;" and we believe that Mr. PECKSNIFF said something like this of +his own frontal linen. Yet, we should like to know what Mr. DOUGHERTY +does for a chest when his own has gone upon its extensive journeys; +something temporary is done, we suppose, with a pad. But the Bosom was +at the Banquet, and the proprietor was there to thump it, until it must +have sounded and reverberated; and if Mr. DOUGHERTY had also thumped his +head, there would have been equal evidence of hollowness within. "May my +tongue never prove a traitor!" cried the orator. Mr. PUNCHINELLO hastens +to reassure him. The tongue is well enough, and is likely to be. It's +something a little higher up that is likely to give out. + +If the applause of the brave men before him was what Mr. DOUGHERTY +wanted, (besides his dinner,) then of applause he got the Stomach under +his Bosom full. The speech was received, according to the reporters, +with a roaring which has not been equalled since the Lions in the Den +roared at the other DANIEL, until they found that the good man was +neither to be roared or sneezed at with impunity. The cheering was +"tremendous." The cheering was "terrific." The cheering was "prolonged." +And there stood "the Bosom not confined to any locality," but just then +swelling, and expanding, and dilating--shall we for once be fine, and +say like an Ocean Billow? Voices which shouted at Gettysburg now hailed +Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY as a Conquering Hero--the conqueror of their cars! +Once in a while there was "great laughter" when Mr. D.D. hadn't said any +thing specially funny--that is, if Mr. PUNCHINELLO is a judge of fun; +and if he isn't, who in all the world is? There are two kinds of +laughter--the laughing at and the laughing with; and we have known +"tremendous" and even "vociferous" applause to be very suspicious. + +It must be a source of calm satisfaction to General GRANT to know that +he is considered the "great and glorious GRANT" by Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY; +although DANIEL once considered Mr. BUCHANAN, poor man! to be equally +"great and glorious." So DANIEL also considers SHERMAN to be "immortal," +and SHERIDAN "unconquerable," and MEADE "glorious." Adjectives are +cheap, you know; and D.D., Esq., has evidently a great stock of them in +his Wandering Bosom. Only, great soldiers, who know the precise value of +Mr. DOUGHERTY'S military opinions, might not care to have them laid on +too thickly. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO has written to Mr. DOUGHERTY'S Family Doctor to inquire +into the state of Mr. D's health after this tremendous effort, and he +sends us a bulletin that Mr. D. is "as well as could be expected." We do +not know what he means by this; it seems to us to lack scientific +precision. The point upon which we wished to be informed was, whether +Mr. D. did or did not break any thing--not the tumblers on the table, +for that we should expect; but any thing in the way of blood-vessels. +Not to put too fine a point upon it, How's the Bosom? + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN CUTLERY IN FRANCE. + +The great pride, the _dulce decus_ of Americans, has long been in their +pocket hardware, and the skill with which they use it. But we must +henceforth look to our laurels. France is competing alarmingly with us +in the use of the revolver. They were always a revolutionary people, +were the French, and revolving seems, therefore, to suit their temper to +a T, (Gunpowder T, of course.) Since the slaying of NOIR by BONAPARTE, +the affectation of readiness with the pistol has become quite the thing +in Paris. New-York and Paris will soon be exactly alike in the bullet +business--especially Paris. PAUL DE CASSAGNAC, it seems, has been +invited by some anonymous person to meet him at a certain hour in front +of the _mairie_ of the Seventeenth _arrondissement_, for the purpose of +having his brains removed with a revolver. PAUL declined to go, however. +The _Mairie_ mentioned in the cartel was not the one for PAUL. Probably +he would have gone to VIRGINIA, had he been invited to do so; but never +a MAIRIE for the faithful PAUL. And might have come by way of New-York, +where he would soon have grown so used to having his brains removed with +a revolver that the process would have become a pleasure to him. + + * * * * * + +PHILADELVINGS. + +PUNCHINELLO cannot help liking Philadelphia, and always feels a pang of +sympathy whenever any thing happens to that plain old city. One reason +for this is, (and he is not ashamed of the weakness,) that Philadelphia +likes PUNCHINELLO and takes, weekly, he would not be vain enough to say +how many hundred copies of his journal. And now Philamaclink, as her +natives love to call her, is afflicted with a terrible disease--a +fearful attack of chronic Legislature. Even when the active symptoms of +this dread malady have subsided, the effects linger, and the consequent +suffering is excruciating. One of the direst of the effects of the last +attack is a dreadful bill--not a bile--which has caused a utilization +sewage company to appear upon her body corporate. It is almost +impossible for sister cities to understand the torments of such an +affliction. Nobody can now clear away their own dirt--Councils, Board of +Health, or any body else. If rooms are swept, the sewage company must +take up the dust; if a pig-pen or a stable needs cleaning, the company +must do it; if the lady of a house throws the slops out of her breakfast +cups, the company must carry them away; if a man knocks the ashes from +his cigar, he must save them for the company; if, anywhere in the city, +a foul word is spoken, the company must have the benefit of it. Even the +birds in the squares must not cleanse their nests without a printed +permit from the company. If a bedstead is cleaned, the company must have +the bugs. Only one dirty thing is safe from this all-powerful +corporation, and that is the legisiative delegation from the city. If +the refuse matter were taken from that, there would be nothing left. It +has been proposed that the Legislature itself should be purified; but +this idea is Utopian, PUNCHINELLO fears. If Niagara were squirted +through its halls, the water would be dirtied, but the halls would not +be cleansed. Alas, poor city! Trampled under the heels of the +aristocratic HONG and PENNY BUNN, what is there to hope for it? + +But all has not been told. There are about eight hundred thousand +inhabitants in the place. Some twenty thousand of these owe small sums +for unpaid taxes, averaging about nine and a quarter cents to a man. To +collect these sums, an army of seventy-two thousand able-bodied men, at +salaries of one thousand dollars per annum, has been commissioned by the +PENNY BUNN Legislature. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not been told. A private firm has prevailed +upon the imbecile old farmers from the western and interior counties to +give them the right to build a private freight railroad through many of +the principal streets of the Quaker City. This road will run through +several school-house yards, and the time-tables are to be so arranged +that trains shall always be due at those points at recess time. Every +fiftieth private house along the lines is to have a road-station and +freight-depot in its front-parlor, and all male residents on said routes +are to serve in turn, without pay, as brakesmen and switch-tenders. The +owners of all vehicles injured by the trains are to be heavily fined, +and the families of individuals allowing themselves to be killed are to +be mulcted in heavy damages. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. A counterfeit tax-bill +has been passed by the Legislature. All the sums handed in to the State +Treasury by the tax collectors have been found to be "bogus" money. This +action has been indorsed by the Legislature, and the action of that body +is hereafter to be of the same character as the funds paid in by its +creatures. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. Colonel FORNEY intends +resuming his "Occasional" letters in the _Press!_ + +Enough! Humanity can bear no more. + + * * * * * + +Query by a Constitutional Student. + +When the Governor or President V-toes a bill, is he supposed to put +his foot on it? + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +SPECTACLES are proverbially fit for old eyes. Probably that is the +reason why the spectacle of the _Twelve Temptations_ is so dear to the +aged eyes of the gray-haired old gentlemen who occupy the front seats at +the Grand Opera House. It is certainly a brilliant spectacle, though, +like the ideal scene to which Mrs. NICKLEBY's eccentric and vegetarian +lover once referred, it consists principally of "gas and gaiters." Not +that it is exclusively an Old Folks' entertainment; for, as the critics +say of portentously dull juvenile books, "it will be found as +interesting to the young as to the old." Though the dullest of dramas, +it is so brightened by brilliant legs that it dazzles every beholder. +Why, then, should the stern advocate of the legitimate drama refuse to +acknowledge that the _Twelve Temptations_ has its redeeming legs? How +runs the ancient proverb, "Singed milk is better than it looks;" or that +equally ancient philosophical maxim, "There is no use in crying over +spilt cats"? The stupid story of ULRIC'S folly is made more attractive +than one would suppose that it could be, and we need not weep over the +fact that it is a spectacle, and not a SHAKESPEAREAN tragedy. + +The bold explorers who have reached the remote Opera House, +fought their way past the misanthropic door-keeper, and gained their +seats, are first reduced to a state of mental chaos by the performance +of a maddening overture, and are then fitted to appreciate the play, +which proceeds after the following pattern: + +_Act 1. Curtain rises upon a score of Unintelligible Demons_, who sing +this impressive chorus: + + "Oh! um um um um + For um um um um + And um um um um + To um um um um." + +_Exeunt Demons. Enter_ RUDOLPH THE TEMPTER. _He remarks to the +surrounding scenery_--"ULLERIC'S soul must be mine, or else the dark +abodes of torment await me. I will tempt him. Great Master, appear." + +_The Great Master--a major-general of fiends--appears, and, approving +of_ RUDOLPH'S _virtuous resolve, they descend to--well, they descend +below the Erie Building, to drink to his success. Scene changes to_ +ULRIC'S _home. Enter_ ULRIC _and family, including Aged Mother, Virtuous +Heroine, Hated Rival, and Demoniac Servant._ + +ULRIC. "Motherr, this slife is intollerrabble; I will do any thing to +escape frrrom it." + +_Enter_ RUDOLPH _and Unintelligible Demons (disguised.) They sing as +before._ + + "Oh! um um um um," etc. + +ULRIC. "The song says terruly. I will go with you, though you were the +fiend himself." + +_Consternation on the part of every one. Demoniac Servant remarks, "Ha! +ha!"_ ULRIC _and the Demons sink through the floor. Scene changes to the +Studio of Eblis._ + +RUDOLPH. "Take this collar. Behold these stripes painted upon it. +Whatever you wish you shall have at the price of five years of your +life. A stripe will vanish each time your wish is gratified. (_Aside._) +The stripes are only cloth, you know, and you can pull 'em off when your +back is turned to the audience. Is it a bargain?" + +ULRIC. "It 'er is." (_Malignant crash from the orchestra._) + +RUDOLPH. "ULLERIC, 'tis well. Now thou shall behold our sports." + +_Enter ballet girls, dressed in red gaiters and torches. They dance the +Demon Cancan, waving their torches and scattering the flames. Old +Gentleman, in the front row hears such charming little asides as, "Drat +you,_ MARY SMITH, _you've burnt my hand." "I'll slap your face, Miss, if +you step on my foot again." "O_ NELLY! _my hair's a-coming down."_ + +Curtain finally falls upon a blaze of light and a bewildering wealth of +legs. + +_Old Gentleman, in front row._ "Well, he! he! that's pretty good; he! he! +Devilish pretty girls some of 'em; he! he!" + +_Virtuous Matron._ "My dear, isn't it shameful. I never saw any thing so +disgusting." + +_Sceptical Husband._ "Then perhaps we'd better go at once." + +_Virtuous Matron._ "N--no. I'll sit through one more act, and see if it +gets any worse." + +_Fast Young Man._ "They're all padded, you know. You can't feel sure +about one of 'em. There were gals in the _Crook_ who used to pad their's +from here to here"--(_adds explanatory pantomime._) + +_Travelled Man, who has been to Paris._ "These girls can't dance, I +assure you. Now, at the Chatelet they do these things differently." + +_Admiring Friend to Travelled Man._ "What spectacles did you see at the +Chatelet?" + +_Travelled Man,_ (who was in Paris only two days, and never saw even the +outside of the theatre.) "It was--let me see--Oh! _Moses in Egypt_ was +the name of the piece. It was gorgeous; full of Egyptian scenery, and +Egyptian dancing girls and things." + +_Admiring Friend, (with aggravating persistence.)_ "Do you mean +Rossini's _Moses_?" + +_Travelled Man, (quite desperate.)_ "Of course! He's the rival of +OFFENBACH, you know. But come, let's go and take something." + +(_They go, the faith of the Admiring Friend in the Travelled Man's +veracity being, however, perceptibly shaken._) + +Three more acts follow. ULRIC makes a dozen wishes, all of which are +gratified, and all of which have the inevitable effect of transporting +him into scenes pervaded by the female leg to an extent that easily +reconciles him to the successive loss of five years of his life. He +finally becomes King of Egypt, and, after having fought against the +Crusaders in defence of those well-known Mohammedan gods, ISIS and +OSIRIS, is carried down a trap by exulting demons. An Intolerable Comic +Man opens up hitherto unknown wastes of dreariness, and sings a comic +song that is positively more tedious than an article from the _Nation_. +The Demoniac Servant is continually shot up through spring traps, in +order to remark, "Ha! ha!" and to immediately disappear again. The Aged +Mother travels from Flanders to Egypt without changing her dress or +combing her back hair, for the vain purpose of begging "ULLERIC" to +repent. Consumptive Knights fight terrific broad-sword duels with a +thirst for combat that beer alone is subsequently able to allay. The +Virtuous HEROINE displays a very neat pair of ankles, but without +winning "ULLERIC" from the devil of his ways. Half a dozen ballets are +successively introduced, in which the skirts of the dancers are seen to +decrease as rapidly and steadily as the stripes on ULRIC'S magic collar. +Finally, a grand Transformation Scene, which has nothing whatever to do +with the play, exhibits the best legs of the company in the most +favorable attitudes, and the green baize curtain falls upon the great +spectacle of the day. + +_Virtuous Matron._ "Well, I never! It's positively indecent. I'd like to +take a whip to those shameless hussies." + +_Sceptical Husband._ "PAGE offered me a proscenium box the other day. +Suppose we take it to-morrow night?" + +_Virtuous Matron._ "I'll go to please you, my dear. And really the +scenery is pretty." + +_Wretched Man, who is shameless enough to admit that he likes it._ "I +like it. The ballet's good, the scenery is splendid, and the music might +be worse. Why don't these ladies, who come here and sit it through, have +the honesty to admit that they come because they like it? But no; they +go away, and at the next party, where they wear dresses lower in the +neck than any I've seen on the stage to night, they'll abuse the poor +girls who have danced here for their amusement. Their malignant modesty +does not deserve the respect of an intelligent _figurante_. If they are +sincere, why do they come here?" + +Which question still puzzles the perturbed mind of + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Give 'em Rope. + +We clip the following from the _Express_: + +"There seem to be more legal loopholes for convicted murderers to escape +through than for any other class of criminals." + +That is too true, by a great deal. There should be but one "legal +loophole" for a convicted murderer, and the authorities should not let +him escape through the loop of it--they should Knot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MOVING INCIDENT. + +_Pat, (to Bridget.)_ "TAKE YOUR MASTHER'S TRUNK TO THE RAILROAD, IS IT? +OCH! BOTHER--DON'T YOU SEE I'M MOVIN' A FAMILY?"] + + * * * * * + +THE "TOBACCO PARLIAMENT" OF OHIO. + +For genial law-making in America commend us to the Ohio House of +Representatives. While we haven't learned that the legislation of this +august body has been particularly hazy of late, we think it must have +been wholesome, for we are assured that much of it has been thoroughly +"fumigated" through the exertions of the majority of its members, who +perform their functions with pipes in their mouths, while drawn up in +semi-circle around a couple of fire-places built expressly for their +accommodation--"one on each side of the speaker's desk," Who _wouldn't_ +legislate, (and early, too,) if he could do it with his feet on the +fender, his well-flavored Havana or best Virginia leaf in his mouth, and +the privilege of cracking jokes and telling naughty stories _ad +interim?_ Go it, ye Buckeye lawmakers! Shall we hear of any sympathy for +Cuba in that quarter? + + * * * * * + +A "Woman's Physic." + +(MRS. C--N TO MRS. MCF--D.) + +"My Darling, I have found a panacea for all woes, In Man: + + _When one man will not suit or stay, + Then get another, right away."_ + + * * * * * + +CABLE NEWS. + +[EXCLUSIVELY FOR PUNCHINELLO.] + +GREAT BRITAIN. + +The Great PUNCHINELLO dinner has come off! JENKINS was there, and was to +have telegraphed an account. But he was not so well as usual the next +day, the Thames water having got into his head. JENKINS never _could_ +take much water. So your correspondent is obliged to trust to his +memory--unaffected by the water, which he did not take. + +Old London Tavern was the scene of this banquet, given by the _literati_ +of England in honor of the long-wished-for coming of PUNCHINELLO. The +dining-hall was decorated for the occasion with appropriate portraits. +There were HOGARTH, CERVANTES, ADDISON, MOLIERE, SWIFT, STERNE, +GOLDSMITH, TOM HOOD, IRVING, THACKERAY, DICKENS, and ARTEMUS WARD. A +number of the waiters were costumed in character. From my seat, I +recognized SAM WELLER, (right behind me;) the Fat Boy of _Pickwick;_ +SANCHO PANZA, and JEAMES YELLOWPLUSH. + +Mr. PUNCH was represented at the head of the table so well that you +could know him at once from his weekly frontispiece. On one side of him +sat CHARLES DICKENS; on the other, your humble ambassador. It would be +rather invidious to name the other hundred guests; not to be there was +to be nowhere in literature. Near me there sat Lord LYTTON, TOM HUGHES, +PREVOST PARADOL, EDMOND ABOUT, CHARLES KINGSLEY, PAUL FEVAL, and the +Rev. JOHN CUMMING. + +Asking, in a whisper, of Mr. PUNCH how the latter very staid individual +came to be there, I understood that, of all the absurd men of this +century, he was selected as the most representatively preposterous. The +PRINCE OF WALES was not asked, lest his morals might be hurt by +something that was said. And it is so important, you know, for the +British nation--(for the rest, see the _Saturday Review_.) And then +Madame GEORGE SAND was to be there, who sometimes wears trowsers. + +MATTHEW ARNOLD was spoken to about it; but he replied gruffly, + +"PUNCHINELLO is Goliath of the Philistines!" and declined. + +JOHN STUART MILL was too busy over his next book, which is to be "On the +Subjection of Horses." But every body else was there, so we did not miss +these grave and reverend seigniors. + +How the twenty-five courses came on and went off, from the ox-tail soup +and salmon to the dessert, it would need the tongue or pen of SOYER or +PIERRE BLOT to narrate; as it needed the capacity of a FALSTAFF to do +justice to them. And then, when the cover was removed, came the time of +trial to your correspondent. "The Queen" and "the President" were drunk +with all the honors. Then Mr. PUNCH called out, through his magnificent +old nose, so that you might have heard him across the Channel, "Health +and long life to PUNCHINELLO!" + +Now, your correspondent had remembered Mr. HAWTHORNE'S experience at a +Lord Mayor's dinner, and had begged Mr. PUNCH by all means to let him +off without a speech. But, more worldly-wise than HAWTHORNE, he didn't +believe that Mr. PUNCH would keep his promise; so he had prepared a +speech, beginning, "Not anticipating any occasion to open my lips in +this illustrious company, you must allow me to speak altogether on the +impulse of the moment." (Hear, hear.) So this had to be delivered; but +for the rest of it, and of the dinner, you must wait for my next +telegram. Mr. PUNCH is going to have the speech published in pamphlet +form, for distribution among his numerous constituents. So, now for the +rest of my _news_. + +FRANCE. + +The PRINCE OF MONACO has declared war against France. OLLIVIER proposes +to send the PRINCE IMPERIAL to extinguish him with a corps of infantry, +armed with popguns; no one to be admitted to the corps who is more than +four years old. MONACO aspires to be a sort of LOPEZ. + +TURKEY. + +Sultan ABDUL AZIZ has just had a visit from a friend of JOHN BRIGHT'S. +To the surprise of every body, even his most intimate friends, the +Sultan immediately made up his mind to turn Quaker! He came down stairs, +and went into mosque, the other day, with a broad-brimmed hat, straight +coat, and drab trowsers; and insisted on all the ladies of his _hareem_ +putting on plain bonnets, and holding a "silent meeting" in the +Seraglio! How it bothered them to do that last thing you may well +suppose! More anon, from PRIME. + + * * * * * + +A Bit of Fish. + +SECRETARY FISH is said to preserve a decidedly spruce appearance +at the State Dinners. Fish is nothing if not Fin-ical. + + * * * * * + +FISH SAUCE. + +The sight of a thick, four-pound steak, just cut from a halibut that +must have weighed, (the idea of a fish wading!) some two hundred pounds, +reminds us that trout-fishing is just now in full operation. What a +strange, weird mystery there is about mental associations! Long, long +ago, we possessed a favorite trout-rod fitted with a Hollow Butt, and so +it is that whenever we see a Halibut, trouting comes to our mind. + +Yesterday, frogs were croaking, and insects all in green livery, with +gilt buttons, contributed to Nature's Great Boston Jubilee of music with +their hum. How ridiculous it seems that insects should have a hum!--and +yet the Bee has its Hum in its hive. + +It is at this season that enthusiastic anglers always get water on the +brain. Their dreams are of gurgling brooks. They have visions of +mill-ponds, with beautiful little cascades sluicing into them over dams. +They stand, in imagination, on bridges, in the eddies beneath which they +discern the wagging of silvery tails and rosy fins; and a very common +form of nightmare with them is to fancy that the reel of the fishing-rod +won't work, just as they are going to wind up a four-pound trout. + +Now, also, is the time when friend gives much advice to friend on the +subject of the "gentle art." (A trout's opinion on this branch of art, +by the by, would be worth having. Perhaps he might not consider it so +gentle.) + +One student of the angle will say to another, "Always fish up the +stream. Fish lie with their heads to the current and their tails in the +opposite direction: therefore, by casting up-stream, you run the less +chance of being seen by them." + +Another says, "Be sure you make your casts down-stream; your bob-flies +like it better, as you can see by the way they dance on the ripples." + +Quoth another, "Always soak your casting-lines with water before you +start for the river-side;" while a fourth instructs you never to +straighten your lines with water, but by passing them through a piece of +India rubber doubled between the finger and thumb. + +_Our_ advice is, Never cast against the wind. In fact, you can't do it; +and if you try it, you run the risk of getting _strabismus_--that is, +the Cast in your eye. Artificial flies, like artificial flowers, never +should follow nature. Manufacturers of both articles perfectly +understand this; and hence the superiority of their productions to the +mere realities that flutter and bloom for their brief hour, and then +die. There is nothing in entomology so beautiful as a well-busked trout +or salmon fly. And then it is comparatively indestructible. Take a +natural May Fly and squeeze it in your hand. It is reduced to a pulp. +Try the same experiment with an artificial one, and its plumage remains +unruffled--which is more than you do, since the chance is that you will +have to employ a surgeon to extract the hook from the ball of your +thumb. + +[Illustration: "SHOO! FLY."] + +We are assured by a broker, who, in Spring-time, always becomes a +brooker, that by far the surest lure for a large trout is the Greenback +Fly. He is acquainted with a man who, whenever he goes a-fishing, always +has a four-pound trout to pack in ice and send up to a friend in the +city. By post, a letter is dispatched to the same quarter, containing a +warm description of the playing and landing of that noble fish. The +sender usually states that he captured it with the famous fly known to +anglers as the Green Drake. Facts are against him, though; and it is +well understood by his friends that the fish was first taken by some +poaching rascal with a scoop-net, and subsequently hooked by the angler +with a five-dollar Greenback Fly. + +Nothing in life is more beautiful than a five-dollar Greenback +Fly--except, of course, a ten-dollar one, or one of indefinitely larger +denomination. + +Provided with this most charming and effective of lures, the angler is +always sure to fill his creel. He incurs no fatigue in doing so, +either, for all the boys of the village become his humble servants to +command; and if there be a four-pound trout in the miller's pond, he is +sure to hook it with the Greenback Fly, while the boys generally "hook +it" also, lest the miller should catch them at their tricks. + +_How to make the Greenback Fly_--Give it to your wife. Much has been +said concerning the efficacy of the Water Fly as a lure. For our own +part, we have not tried it. We know rather less about it than we do +about the Water Cure; but we cheerfully print the following directions +on the subject, taken from the fly-leaf of an old book. + +_How to make the Water Fly_: Fall into it. + + * * * * * + +HALL AND HAYES. + +The friends of Dr. HAYKS and those of Captain HALL are engaged in a +heated discussion as to which of the two ought to be sent by Congress in +search of the North Pole. As the public does not know who is right and +who is wrong, we present our readers with the arguments of each party; +so that they can decide which explorer is the man for the post--we +should say, pole. + +WHAT THE HAYES PARTY SAYS. + +1. The Pole being surrounded by water, must be reached by boats. HAYES +is a sailor and HALL is not. Therefore HAYES is the man to sail to the +Pole. + +2. HAYES is a Bostonian; HALL is a Western man. Bostonians are famed for +their skill in prying into every thing; while Western men stupidly mind +their own business. Therefore HAYES is naturally fitted to become an +explorer. + +3. HALL spent his time while in the Arctic Region in the society of +Esquimaux. HAYES attended to his ship, and lived on pork and beef +like a Christian. Therefore HAYES is the better man. + +4. HAYES understands the use of instruments, and can take observations +of the temperature of hot springs, if any are found. HALL knows nothing +about instruments, and could not tell the time by a barometer if his +life depended upon it. Therefore HAYES should be the Congressional +favorite. + +5. HALL is hot-tempered and once killed one of his crew. HAYES is a cool +man and never killed any body, except as a medical practitioner. Cool +men are at home in the Arctic Region. Therefore send HAYES. + +WHAT THE HALL PARTY SAYS. + +1. If the Pole is surrounded by water, it must be a visible point of +land. HALL is a landsman, and therefore the proper man to send in search +of land. To send a sailor like HAYES in quest of land would be absurd. +Therefore HALL is the right man. + +2. HALL is a steady, hardworking, energetic Western man. HAYES is a +meddling Yankee. Of course HALL is the better man for carrying out a +difficult enterprise. + +3. HALL has lived in the Arctic land as the Arctic people do; while +HAYES knows nothing of the people of that region. Therefore HALL is by +far the best man to send. + +4. HAYES can have no use for his instruments in a place where there is +nothing but ice. HAYES would, therefore, only add to the cost of the +expedition. HALL can take all necessary observations with his eyes, which +cost Congress nothing and are easily carried. Therefore HALL is by all +odds the man for the expedition. + +5. If HALL is hot-tempered, so much the better. He will keep warm with +less consumption of fuel. That he killed a mutineer is proof of his +resolute adherence to discipline. HAYES would never enforce discipline +if he dared to inflict no more punishment for mutiny than a draught of +Epsom salts. Therefore HALL is plainly the man to command an exploring +party. + +Here we have the arguments which both sides advance, and our readers can +easily make up their minds. As for ourselves, the true course for +Congress to pursue seems so plainly evident that if we were asked which +is the best man, the Doctor or the Captain, we should unhesitatingly +answer in the negative. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CINCINNATUS SWEENY.] + + +CINCINNATUS SWEENY + +(Adapted from AUTHOR'S Classical Dictionary, p. 351.) + +"CINCINNATUS had retired to his patrimony, aloof from popular tumults. +The successes of the Equi, (young Democracy,) however, rendered the +appointment of a Dictator necessary, and CINCINNATUS was chosen to that +high office. He laid aside his rural habiliments, assumed the ensigns of +absolute power, levied a new army, marched all night to bring the +necessary succor to the Consul MINCIUS, (W. M. TWEED,) who was +surrounded by the enemy and blockaded in his camp, (Albany,) and before +morning surrounded the enemy's army, and reduced it to a condition +exactly similar to that in which the Romans had been placed. The baffled +Equi were glad to submit to the victor's terms, and CINCINNATUS, +returning in, triumph to Rome, (New-York,) laid down his dictatorial +power after having held it only fourteen days, and returned to his farm" +(Central Park.) + + * * * * * + +SPRING FEVER, + + In such a joyous way? + If it were as you say, + Wouldn't _I_ know it, who know every thing! + + "Ethereal mildness!" Pshaw! what nonsense, man! + Pooh! "Gentle spring," indeed! + It makes my liver bleed + To hear you talk as only idiots can. + + But you're no idiot, THOMSON; _that_ I'll say! + I'll yield another bit: + I'm ready to admit + The Seasons may have altered since your day. + + At any rate, JAMES, in the windy West + (Which wasn't in your eye-- + At least, not frequently) + Your boasted Spring is _not_ a gentle guest. + + My patience, no! She's the reverse of that! + Ah! hear her savage roar; + (So often heard before!) + And there (confound it!) goes my new Spring hat. + + Alas! what means this stupid somnolence? + Why do my pulses go + So "melancholy slow"? + Why can't I think? why always "on the fence"? + + O dews and fogs! O rain and snow and slush! + O various other things! + My soul! what need of wings: + Yes, "Spring's delights" are coming with a rush! + + But stay, friend THOMSON--what you say is true: + Here _is_ a nice warm day! + The breezes softly play-- + Then why, oh! _why_ then, do I feel so blue? + + One "would not die in Spring-time," certainly-- + Nor any other season, + For the same reason-- + But if one can't eat dinner, why _not_ die? + + Is there no panacea for such ills? + Oh! yes, a jolly one: + I find it in the dun! + In landlords', butchers', grocers', tailors' bills! + + * * * * * + +The Difference. + +GOLDEN calves were worshipped by men of old. Modern men prefer to +worship saw-dust calves. + + * * * * * + +Dramatic Query. + +Is Canada to be the Theatre of a Fenian War? It seems that the Canadian +Volunteers think so; and, to do justice to the performance, they have +taken possession of the whole Front-tier. + + * * * * * + +The Original Bow. + +The EL-bow. + + * * * * * + +Not the Chimney for a Studio. + +ONE that won't Draw. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SICK EAGLE. + +COLUMBIA. "DO LET THE POOR BIRD OUT, MR. B.; HE DROOPS SADLY." + +Mr. BOOTWELL. "REALLY I DON'T SEE ANY THING THE MATTER WITH HIM, MA'AM. +HIS CAGE IS ALL GOLD, AND HE SURELY OUGHT TO BE CONTENTED."] + + * * * * * + +AN EXCELLENT OLD SONG MADE NEW. + +BY A DEFAULTER. + + Is there for his dishonesty + Who hangs his head, and a' that? + The coward slave, we pass him by, + And dare to steal for a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Our grabs and games, and a' that, + Our business is to make a pile + And swindle SAM, and a' that. + + What though the people curse and swear + At losing gold, and a' that? + Their fiercest wrath we'll proudly bear, + And cash is cash for a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Their lawyers, courts, and a' that. + The lucky rogue who wins his pile + Is king of men for a' that. + + The President knows how to beat + In battle, siege, and a' that; + But we're the lads for swift retreat, + Although he growl, and a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Our bonds and oaths and a' that, + A bouncing swag's the better thing + For gentlemen, and a' that. + + Then let us pray that come it may, + As come it shall for a' that, + That plundering gents may keep the sway, + And help themselves, and a' that. + For a' that and a' that. + Leg bail's the thing, and a' that; + For travelling improves the mind, + The body saves, and a' that. + + * * * * * + +THE THIRTEENTH MAN IN THE OMNIBUS. + +The New-York omnibus was constructed to seat and carry twelve persons; +certainly not more. Indeed, when twelve men, of nominal size, sit +squarely on the seats and do not clownishly cross their legs, one may +ride in an omnibus with comfort. Nay, with these conditions, he _may_ +generally escape having his toes crushed, his shins kicked, his shoes +soiled, or his trowsers daubed with mud by his neighbor. But alas! how +often is this paradisiacal state disturbed by the intrusion of "the +thirteenth man in the omnibus." + +Shall I attempt to portray the creature? He is pretty well known, and +perhaps the picture will be recognized. Sometimes he may be seen +standing at the corner of the street lying in wait for the "bus." He is +never known to walk toward its starting-place, lest he might be +confounded with the "twelve" by getting inside before the seats are +filled. No; he is "nothing if not" odd. His very hat never sits squarely +upon his head like the hat of a gentleman. It is either elevated in +front like a sophomore's, or depressed on one side, as if he had just +come from a cheap spree in the Bowery, or was troubled with some +obtrusive "bump" that kept his hat awry. If by chance he gets a seat +inside the omnibus, (as "accidents will happen," etc.,) he must cross +his legs and wipe the mud from his ill-shod feet upon your trowsers or +your wife's dress. + +Indeed, methinks it was he who invented sitting cross-legged in a public +vehicle. Do savages ever sit thus when in close company? I have never +been able to imagine what special human sin this ingenious mode of +annoyance was meant to punish. It has been suggested that it might be +the man's pantomimic protest against sitting at all. But the saddest +commentary upon this vice of our hero is, that by some mysterious +magnetism of awkwardness and ill-breeding, he has betrayed into +imitation of it men whose early education has been less neglected than +his own. + +Sometimes, as he gets into the "'bus," he carries in his hand or mouth +the stump of a half-burned, extinct cigar, which fills the atmosphere +with a rank and sickening odor. More frequently he is dressed in +well-worn black, and his clothes reek with noisome exhalations of stale +tobacco-smoke. Shall I finish his picture? I verily believe he is the +original Loafer. + +Methinks I see him in my mind's eye. I am riding in a Broadway ominibus. +I have just handed up my fare, and, taking my seat, have surrendered +myself to a sweet half-hour of reverie. I disdain to spoil my eyes or +waste my time by newspaper-reading. I dream, and save my time for better +things, as I conceive. + +The stage is full. "Twelve inside." The driver does not seem to get +along. He is constantly stopping or turning his horses to the sidewalk, +right or left. You wonder what is the matter. You begin to think the +whole town is striving to get a ride down with you in that particular +"'bus." At every street-corner we linger or stop. Suddenly the door is +pulled open with a jerk and our enemy leaps in. He sees the seats are +filled, but he does not hesitate. There is always room for him. Indeed, +his "spirit rises with the occasion." He becomes pertinacious as he is +offensive. He tramples upon more than one pair of feet in his struggle +to reach the middle of the omnibus. The passengers patiently submit to +the intrusion with that quiet good nature with which Americans usually +suffer imposition invasive of good manners, or petty social rights. They +seem to feel they can "stand it" if he can. + +His mode of paying his fare evolves a climax of unconscious +impertinence. In order to have free use of one hand to pass up his +money, he grasps cane or umbrella with the other hand, by which he holds +the pendent strap. By this means he loses control of the lower end of +his stick, which thereby becomes an automatic instrument of torture, +menacing your face and eyes in quite a savage way. Indeed, his apparent +unconsciousness that he is a nuisance, and ought to be kicked out, +really approaches the sublime. + +He is a pet of the driver, of course. Some innocent people wonder that +the drivers of omnibuses or cars should feel so very charitably disposed +toward the human family in general, as to take up extra passengers when +all seats are filled. Short-sighted mortals! Do you not see it! The more +passengers, beyond the complement of the "'bus," the more perquisites +for an ill-requited profession. + +To return to our black sheep. Look where he stands. As he grows weary, +he grasps the straps on either side to steady him. His attitude is a +cunningly devised mode of tormenting his fellow-passengers. Either elbow +of our nondescript just reaches the hat of your opposite neighbor or +yourself. With each jolt of the stage, by a little dexterity of +movement, or want of it, he can knock the hats over the eyes of two +persons at a time, and by a little shifting of his position he can +frequently bring down four by a single spasmodic lunge. When he is +fresher, as in the morning, and can hold his own weight, he falls in his +more natural posture. Would you know what that may be? Did you ever +observe one of the descendants of the Lost Tribes who inhabit Chatham +street dreamily waiting for a passing rustic? He is apparently in a +comatose state. His abdomen is drawn in; his body is bent like a section +of a hoop; his eyes are cast down; while both his hands are thrust +deeply into his trowser's pockets. + +But I grow weary of the subject, and stop by commending the Thirteenth +Man in the Omnibus to curiosity-hunters as a fungus growth of humanity +nursed by over-virtuous forbearance. + + * * * * * + +Hyperborean. + +The hyperbole of bores it is, to bore Congress for a hundred thousand +dollars to go to the Pole! If Captain HALL wants adventure, let him +travel to the Halls of the MONTEZUMAS. If he wishes only to be left out +in the cold, let him go to Chili; or else up in a balloon; or let him +make himself Republican candidate for something in New York. We believe +the North Pole would rather be let alone. The whole subject is, at all +events, too HAYES-y just now to be comprehended. There is a sort of +KANE-ine madness, which shows itself not in fear of water but in an +insane disposition to do big things on ice. Haul off, Captain HALL! + + * * * * * + +Meteorological Query. + +Is a temperance lecture synonymous with a Water Spout? + + * * * * * + +THE SPIRIT OF THE NAVY. + +ITS PORTER. ITS SAILS. + +_Impressions of an Outsider_. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: According to your instructions, your correspondent +proceeded to Washington, and there interviewed our present efficient +Secretary of the Navy, Admiral PORTER. I found him in his office, +surrounded by bills-of-sale of main-tops, carronades, iron-clads, +bo'sen's whistles, navy-yards, and other naval articles, the proceeds of +which were needed for the future experiments of the Department. These +papers were being bound up into bundles and stowed away by his +assistant, ROBESON. + +After the ordinary greetings had passed between the admiral and your +correspondent, the following conversation ensued: + +_Cor_. Admiral, what do you think of the Fifteenth Amendment? + +_Ad_. All right. When Americans want votes, I say, give 'em to 'em. + +_Cor_, (_A little apprehensively._) Votes are different from boats, then, +admiral? + +_Ad_. Certainly. What do the negroes want with boats? + +_Cor_. How are you satisfied, Mr. Secretary, with the plan of always +providing you with a civilian as an assistant? + +_Ad_. I don't like it. Can't help it, though. This one, however, +(_pointing his thumb over his shoulder at_ ROBESON,) don't give me much +trouble. Quiet man. + +_Cor_. What do you think of the condition of Cuba, + +_Ad_. Very nice indeed! Got Admiral POOR out there, cruising around. +Just like a picnic, you know. + +_Cor_. Are you in favor of the recognition of Cuban Independence? + +_Ad_. No, sir! What's the good? POOR might have to come home, then. + +_Cor_. You think, then, that recognition would not be a Poor policy? + +_Ad_. Yes--no! No--yes! Doormat! You know what I mean. + +_Cor_.(_quickly_.) Oh! yes. Certainly, sir! But what is your opinion upon +the woman question? + +_Ad_. Don't care a snap. Let 'em vote. Won't make a difference 'board +ship. + +_Cor_. You think, then that women will never be sailors, Admiral? + +_Ad_. Nothing they could do. Except to trim the boats; look out for the +mizen sheets or somethg o' that kind. Couldn't expect 'em, even in a +calm, to be brisk in manning the yards, much less martingales. + +_Cor_. What is your opinion, Admiral, of SHERIDAN'S work among the +Piegans? + +_Ad_. (_laughing_). Neat job. How was that for Lo? + +_Cor_. Good. Do you believe the Pope's infallible, Admiral? + +_Ad_. The Pope's what? + +_Cor_. Do you think that there is no such word as fail with PIO Nono? + +_Ad_. No, no! + +_Cor_. The Empress EUGENIE, Admiral, and Queen VICTORIA--which do you +think is the prettiest of these women? + +_Ad_. Never saw 'em swimmin'. Can't say. + +_Cor_. What is your opinion about McFARLAND? Was he justifiable, think +you? + +_Ad_. No! Poor shot. + +_Cor_. Have you seen _Frou Frou_, Admiral? + +_Ad_. Yes. In New-York. + +Cor. How did you like it, sir? + +_Ad_. Not much. Do for folks whose taste for that sort of thing is DAILY +bred. + +_Cor_. What do you think of oar new City Charter? + +_Ad_. Is it a ship? + +_Cor_. Yes, sir. It is a sort of hardship for New-York. + +_Ad_. Well, the city must be used to that. Will take in its ale pretty +much as usual, I reckon. + +_Cor_. What, sir, do you think of Chicago? + +_Ad_. Ah! go way. + +_Cor_. (_oblivious of hint_.) Where do you buy your pantaloon stuff, Mr. +Secretary? + +_Ad_. (_sharply_.) Where the woodbine twineth. + +_Cor_. Admiral, have you any children? + +_Ad_. (_loudly_.) ROBESON! + +_Cor_. My dear sir, you surprise me! Is he your son? + +_Ad_. (_to assistant_.) ROBESON! Did you see MIKE HAINES? + +_Cor_. One moment. Admiral! Let me ask of you, in which, if any, of our +New-York companies is your life insured; and do you wear the patent +perforated buckskin?-- + +Here the interview terminated. Your correspondent suddenly discovered +that he would have barely time to catch the N. Y. Express, and he took +leave with a renewed respect for the spirit of our Navy and its head. + +SNIQUE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COME, GENTLE SPRING. + +SPRING has come. Now is the time to ask your friends for seed and roots, +and to tell somebody they ought to see about the garden. Turn your +chickens into your neighbors' grounds, and the cow too, if you think she +would like to go there. Now also is the time for house-cleaning, as well +as for settling up one's affairs generally; so, after you have called in +all the money due you, and paid out as little as possible, perhaps you +had better go out West for a week or so.] + + * * * * * + +The sort of Liquor most apt to Tell upon a Man. + +PEACH Brandy. + + * * * * * + +Opinions of the Press. + +The _Sun_ thinks that the World's end would be a god-send. + +It also thinks that the Tribune is a try weakly and unique daily, +besides being a four centenary. + +It thinks that the fact of the _Times_ being out of Joint is the reason +it is getting the cold Shoulder from its subscribers. + +It thinks that the _Herald_ is not the leading paper, though it may have +Ben-it. + +It thinks that the _Sun_ is awful shiny. + + * * * * * + +The Politician's Half-and-Half. + +DEMAGOGUE and Demijohn. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +LOFTY Mr. SUMNER wished to know what Mr. CARPENTER meant by pursuing +him. He was used to being blackguarded by the enemies of his country, +but now he was hounded in the house of his friends. He had looked +through the whole Congressional Library and failed to find a precedent +for the course of the carping CARPENTER, except in the case of the +classic chap who had warmed a viper which had turned again and rent him. +He did not mean to say that Mr. CARPENTER was a viper, but he thought +nobody but an Adder would put this and that together as Mr. CARPENTER +had done. + +Mr. CARPENTER said that the passion of his friend from Boston for +maundering about himself amounted to a mild mania. All he had done was +to suggest that SUMNER had upheld States Rights twenty years ago, and +now pretended that he was never any such person. + +Mr. SUMNER said that twenty years ago the States Rights boot was upon +the other leg. AENEAS SILVIUS had well observed that it made a heap of +difference whose ox was gored, and HORACE had pointed out the difference +between tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee. Unless his reading of the +Cyclopedia had failed to inform him, he believed that there was a game +known as "Heads I win, tails you lose." That was his little game. When +Massachusetts States Rights were invoked to aid the colored man, States +Rights were good. When Southern States Rights were invoked to crush the +colored man, States Rights were bad. As for him, give him liberty or +give him rats. + +Mr. HARLAN wished to know why the Pacific Railway grant should be +passed. No officer of that railway had been to see him about it. He did +not believe in legislation of this kind. If a thing were worth having, +it was certainly worth asking for. He had no objection to breaking old +"ties," but he was averse to paying for new ones, unless he had some +personal reason for it. He wished he were altogether in the same +position as some of his colleagues, including these "bonds." + +WILSON, and CASSERLY, and THURMAN, and THAYER said that HARLAN was of no +account, and that was the reason why he had not been "seen." As long as +a majority was prepared, it was wasting money to conciliate any body +else. + +Mr. DRAKE said he had a better thing than the Pacific Railway. It was a +bill to provide that the Army and Navy of the United States might be put +on a war-footing on the application of any three colored persons. This +did not seem to be profitable, but it was. The profit in it was a JOB, +but much subtler than in the Pacific Railway. He hoped Senators would +see the illimitable vistas of patronage opened by the bill. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. BUTLER insisted upon his bill to annex Dominica. Somebody had said +that we had plenty of Dominicans already in the Southern States. This +was net so. He wanted to be Governor-General of Dominica. It was true +that silverware was not rife in that island, but there was an infinitude +of potential voters, who could be converted into coin. The House refused +to see it, however, and proceeded to discuss the case of SYPHER. Mr. +BROOKS said SYPHER was nothing. He did not see how SYPHER, who was a +nullity, could be figured out to be a member of Congress. Besides, +SYPHER lived in Pennsylvania. + +Mr. KELLEY said that was the very reason why SYPHER should be admitted. +Every body knew, who knew any thing of arithmetic, that a SYPHER in the +proper place amounted to a great deal. He would like to know what +objection there was to Pennsylvanians representing Louisiana? A +Pennsylvanian was sure to be right on the tariff, and a Louisianian was +sure to be wrong. Therefore a Pennsylvanian was a much better +representative than a Louisianian. Besides, SYPHER's hands were not red +with loyal blood, neither had he waded knee-deep in patriotic gore. + +Mr. BUTLER wanted to annex Dominica. + +Mr. Cox said he did not object to SYPHER'S coming in because he was a +Pennsylvanian. He was an Ohio man, and represented a New-York district. +But be thought there were too many SYPHERS here now. An integer or two +would be more useful to maintain the integrity of the House. + +Mr. BUTLER said he would like to introduce a bill to annex Dominica. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said he didn't care any thing about the merits of the +case. He knew the committee was all right. It was a martter of comity to +go with the committee. If the House added a SYPHER, it would increase +their strength ten fold. + +Mr. STOKES said he would not weep for SYPHER if he were rejected. But he +would sigh for SYPHER, if he could cipher SYPHER in. + +Mr. BUTLER moved a bill to annex Dominica. + +SYPHER tried to swear himself in, but he had been so much irritated by +the previous proceedings that he found that he had sworn himself out. + +The House adjourned, except Mr. BUTLER, who was preparing a bill to +annex Dominica. + + * * * * * + +A REMONSTRANCE. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: In the _Express_ of Saturday, April 17th, I read the +following announcement, printed at the foot of the regular weather +table, furnished for that journal by Professor THATCHER: + +"Prediction.--It will not rain within 33/4 days from 8 P.M. + +"A. E. THATCHER." + +The positive character of this prediction made it very, welcome. My wife +and myself had been invited by friends in Westchester County to go to +their house on Saturday evening, stay all night, and pass the following +day--Easter-Sunday--with them. We had nearly made up our minds to do it. +They are very pleasant folks to visit, especially about Easter time; for +the man of the house has a mania for hens, and, being a dyer by trade, +his poultry, using the refuse of the drugs instead of gravel to aid +their digestion, lay natural painted eggs of the most varied and +delicate tints. If I am strict in any matter of religion, it is with +regard to having a blow-out of eggs at Easter. My wife is as fond of +eggs as myself, (the yolk sits lightly, she says, which is a joke upon +yoke,) and she required no egging on to persuade her to accept the +invitation. We were doubtful about the weather, though; but the +"Professor's" prediction decided us, and we went. + +I thought it felt mighty like rain as we walked the short distance from +the railway station to our host's. I had rain-pains in my back, and my +wife said her corns were shooting. Nor did our punctual aches deceive +us. Between that Saturday night and Easter-Sunday morning it began to +rain. Easter-Sunday was the wettest day I remember ever to have +experienced. There was no "let up" of the deluge throughout that day +and Easter-Monday. We--my wife and I--are suffering dreadfully from the +effects of Easter-eggs, which we were obliged to devour by the stack +merely to kill time, as we could not walk out. Should we die, I will let +you know; but really it was too bad of "Professor" THATCHER. + +WEATHERBOUND. + +P.S.--Who is "Professor" THATCHER? + + * * * * * + +THE BIRD OF WISDOM IN IOWA. + +Civilization, it seems, is making some headway in Iowa. Boys are no +longer allowed to shoot small birds there, especially song-birds. And so +the little warblers can pipe it all day, if they like, and when they +grow tired and hungry, they are welcome to refresh their small systems +at the strawberry beds. There is one feature of the regulation in +question, however, that does pain us. While vocal and fly-gobbling +talents are tenderly fostered, dignified Wisdom is not only neglected, +but persecuted. Our old friend the Owl is reputed by the people of Iowa +to be rather particular in his diet, (as all wise creatures are,) and to +prefer a nice young spring chicken to almost any other "delicacy of the +season"--a proof of wisdom and refinement that proved too much for the +people of Iowa. And so they have left the poor old Owl out of the +protective enactment; and it is not only legal to shoot him, but +meritorious. The legislators could have stood the wisdom, perhaps by +itself; and possibly they might have respected the taste; but the +combination troubled them, and could not, of course, be tolerated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE MERRY FIRST OF MAY." + +_First Young Wife_. "OH! THIS HORRID HOUSE-MOVING--AN'T YOU DISTRACTED +ABOUT IT, DEAR?" + +_Second Ditto_. "O DEAR! NO. WE HAVE ARRANGED IT NICELY. CHARLES WILL +SEE TO THE FURNITURE AND THINGS, AND I WILL SUPERINTEND THE REMOVAL OF +FIDO MYSELF."] + + * * * * * + +HOW A DISCIPLE OF FOX BECAME A LOVER OF BULL. + +PHILADELPHIA, 4th Month, 13th, 1870. + +FRIEND PUNCHINELLO: I know thee treats our good city with more +consideration than thy brother journalists, and so it is that I address +the on this occasion. Last night I listened to the fiddle of OLE BULL. I +had long known of this man, even from the time when I first attired +myself in a coat, (called by the world after the name of the abdomen of +a fish,) as one who + + --"skinned a cat + And put the fur around his hat." + +But having recently been made aware of the fact that this fiddler only +availed himself, in his vain exhibitions, of a part of the _felis_ which +was not necessary to its felicity after death, I determined to give a +portion of my worldly goods toward the building of a light-house on the +Norway coast, for which purpose, I heard it averred, this man's +performances were given; and I went to the building where the fiddling +was to be, to see if it were done with fidelity for this end. + +As I sat in the upper seats of the house, serenely elevated above the +vain throng, the man BULL appeared before me. His mien was humble and +his hair was of a gray tinge, which I attributed to the ceaseless +gratings of the instrument which he held on his arm, as carefully as if +it had been an immortal child. + +At first, though I labored conscientiously toward that end, I could +discover nothing in the sounds he made which reminded me in the least +degree of a Norwegian light-house. But suddenly I forgot that useful +monument. Against my will, I seemed to be wafted aloft, even to where +the seats were cheaper; and anon, I felt as though I disported among the +shameless figures on the ceiling of the house. I now forgot all things +earthly, even that suspicious bill which friend HOPKINS paid in to my +cashier on Second-day. Yea, my whole being became, as it were, strung +upon the entrails of a cat and tickled with the tail of horse. I felt as +if I were wafted aloft on a blanket of shivering scrapes while quivering +angels gently swung me among the stickery stars! And there I heard a +melody as though the edges of glass skies were softly rubbed together. +Then all was stiller, stiller, until methought I heard nothing but one +consumptive angel breathing in his sleep. But even that sound dribbled +away, until the last drop seemed to me about to be sucked down into a +hole at the bottom of the airy void, when suddenly there came a rush as +though a vast light-house of brass had fallen into a sea of tinkling +cymbals, and I jumped so violently that my spectacles slipped from off +my nose and fell among the vain ones below. + +A second time now came the fiddler forth, and soon methought I stood +within a surgeon's operating hall. The player drew his bow as though it +were a knife, gliding over the limb of a subject in a sleep. + +So keen the blade, so soft the touch, the sleeper did not wake! I +clutched my knees--my breath did cease! + +The skin divides! + +And still he sleeps. + +The muscles and the tendons fall apart! + +He moves not. + +Oh! That glittering blade + +It deeper goes! + +A--Ah! + +He wakes! + +He yells! + +Horror! And now, through flesh and bones that vengeful weapon grinds! + +'Mid screams and oaths! + +Down falls the leg... + +I staggered forward. My hat, which much clamor in the rear had not made +me remove, fell over the iron rail and plunged, resounding ike a sinful +drum, upon the head of a painted Jersey belle below. + +I heeded not, but groped me to the door. + +And now I write to thee, friend PUNCHINELLO. Can thee buy me such a +fiddle in New-York? Thy friend, + +VENTER CLUPLE. + + * * * * * + +A Puzzler. + +The Belgians, it is said, are anxious to have the letter _h_ dropped +from the French alphabet. As that contains no _w_, how, in the event of +a new elision, will the Parisians, who are so fond of English words, +manage to spell _wheelwright_? + + * * * * * + +A Blow that Hurteth not. + +The Blow of a flower. + + * * * * * + +A Pleasant Prospect. + +If the new Superintendent of the New-York Police Force is to be as +severely tried as was his predecessor, then, surely, JOURDAN will have +"a hard road to travel." + + * * * * * + + +"OUT OF THE STREETS." + + GEORGE W. MCLEAN am I, + And potent was my name, + Till TWEED and SWEENEY crossed my path + And spoiled my little game. + + Our city roads I supervised, + Long time, with pious care, + The people's Ways I strictly watched-- + Street, Avenue, and Square + + But now, from office rudely swept + By Legislative BILL, + The crossing-sweeper's broom I ply, + My empty pouch, to fill. + + * * * * * + +Honeymoons in the Air + +The rage for passing the honeymoon in a balloon appears to be on the +wane in this country. The reason for this may be that a majority of +those who enter wedlock find they "go up" soon enough without the aid of +a balloon. + + * * * * * + +Motto for Unsuccessful Croquet-Players. + +"Hoops deferred make the heart sick." + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | Have made large additions to their very popular stock of | + | | + | ENGLISH BODY BRUSSELS, | + | | + | At $1.75, $2, and $2.25 per yard. | + | | + | BEST QUALITY VELVETS, | + | | + | At $2.50 per yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | | + | At $2.50 and $3 per yard, | + | | + | MOQUETTES AND AXMINSTERS, | + | | + | At $3.50 and $4 per yard, | + | | + | ALSO, | + | | + | Will offer a choice assortment of | + | | + | Ingrains, Three-Ply, Cocoa, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | CANTON MATTINGS, | + | | + | ENGLISH AND DOMESTIC. | + | | + | OIL-CLOTHS, etc., | + | | + | Of the Best Quality and Newest Designs. | + | | + | Novelties in Carpets | + | | + | In one piece, with | + | | + | MEDALLIONS AND BORDERS, | + | | + | And also by the yard. Received by each and every steamer. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | Silks, Dress-Goods, Japanese Poplins, | + | | + | MOHAIRS, | + | | + | PLAID AND BROCHE BAREGES, | + | | + | FRENCH PRINTED ORGANDIES, | + | | + | Jaconets, Percales, Iron Bareges, | + | | + | AND GRENADINE DITTO. | + | | + | Forming the largest assortment of choice, fresh goods they | + | have ever offered. | + | | + | The attention of their customers and the public is | + | respectfully invited. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be | + | to speak a foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce | + | it correctly; and these are the objects which are | + | most carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY SYSTEM. | + | | + | The Mastery of Languages; | + | | + | OR, | + | | + | THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES | + | IDIOMATICALLY. | + | | + | BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST. | + | | + | I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. | + | II. The Mastery Series, French. | + | III. The Mastery Series, German. | + | IV. The Mastery Series, Spanish. | + | | + | PRICE 50 CENTS EACH. | + | | + | _From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute | + | College._ | + | | + | "The results which crowned the labor of the first week were | + | so astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest | + | doubts should be raised as to his credibility. But this much | + | he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a study of less | + | than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the | + | newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects." | + | | + | FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS. | + | | + | "The principle may be explained in a line--it is first | + | learning the language, and then studying the grammer, and | + | then learning (or trying to learn) the language."--_Morning | + | Star_. | + | | + | "We know that there are some who have given Mr. | + | Prendergast's plan a trial, and discovered that in a few | + | weeks its results had surpassed all their | + | expectations."--_Record_. | + | | + | "A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced | + | us that the method is sound."--_Papers for the | + | Schoolmaster_. | + | | + | "The simplicity and naturalness of the system are | + | obvious."--_Herald_ (Birmingham.) | + | | + | "We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the | + | result in a reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_. | + | | + | FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS. | + | | + | "The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child | + | learns to talk."--_Troy Whig_. | + | | + | "We would advise all who are about to begin the study of | + | languages to give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_. | + | | + | "For European travellers this volume is | + | invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_. | + | | + | Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of | + | the United States on receipt of price. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers, | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | _Third Edition._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, | + | | + | Have now ready the Third Edition of | + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | From the New-York _Evening Express_. | + | "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents | + | breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title." | + | | + | From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. | + | "The author can and does write well; the descriptions of | + |scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and never | + | overstrained." | + | | + | D.A. & Co. have just published: | + | | + | A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE | + | RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. | + | By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | + | | + | REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT | + | OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A | + | DESCRIPTIONS OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY | + | OF THE MOST INTERESTING. | + | By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. | + | 8vo. $6. | + | | + | HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS | + | LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. | + | By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | + | | + | HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF | + | LEARNING LANGUAGES. | + | | + | I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | + | II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | + | III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | + | IV. 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And | + | a copy of | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO | + | | + | FOR ONE YEAR. | + | | + | For Ten Dollars the Larger Size of | + | | + | "EASTER MORNING." | + | | + | 14x21. (Selling price, $10.) Free by mail. And a copy of | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO | + | | + | FOR ONE YEAR. | + | | + | The regular subscription to PUNCHINELLO is Four Dollars, | + | payable in advance. | + | | + | This offer will be kept open only for a limited time, and | + | persons desirous to avail themselves of it will please | + | | + | SEND IN AT ONCE. | + | | + | Remittances should be made in Money Orders, Bank Checks, or | + | Drafts on New-York, or by Registered Letters. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: OUR PAVEMENTS. + +_Timid Tax-payer_. "WHAT! GOING TO PAVE THIS STREET AGAIN? WHY, IT WAS +NEWLY PAVED ONLY A WEEK AGO!" + +_Gentlemanly Contractor_. "PAVED? NOT MUCH! FOUNDATION LAID, ONLY; AND +NOW WE'RE GOIN' TO PUT THE JOBBER'S PATENT TOP-SOLID-SUPERSTRUCTURE OVER +THAT!"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WALTHAM WATCHES. | + | | + | 3-4 PLATE. | + | | + | _16 and 20 Sizes._ | + | | + | To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | + | devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | + | command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | + | beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of | + | mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | + | execution these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | + | | + | In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | + | Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | + | | + | FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | _Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M._ | + | | + | Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten | + | Thousand Dollars, will be received. | + | | + | Six Per Cent Interest, Free of | + | Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | Commences on the first of every month | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_. | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, | + | EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance | + | to Oil Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout | + | the world. PRANG'S WEEKLY BULLETIN: "Bo-Peep," "Queen of the | + | Woods," "First Lesson in Music," "Travelling Comedians," | + | "City and Country Life." Illustrated Catalogues sent on | + | receipt of a stamp by | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + + Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. + No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. + No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S. W. GREEN. PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 6 *** + +This file should be named 7p10610.txt or 7p10610.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7p10611.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7p10610a.txt + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9960] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on November 5, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 6 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze\and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEARLY READY. | + | | + | ALASKA and its RESOURCES. | + | | + | By W. H. DALL, | + | | + | Director of the Scientific Corps of the Western Union | + | Telegraph Expedition. | + | | + | Full Octavo, with nearly One Hundred Elegant Illustrations, | + | engraved by the late JOHN ANDREW, from drawings by the | + | Author. This volume contains not only the record of a THREE | + | YEARS residence in Alaska--made under the most favorable | + | circumstances for explorations--but a complete history of | + | the country gathered from every available source. It is very | + | full in details of Productions, Climate, Soil, Temperature, | + | Language, the Manners and Customs of its peoples, etc., | + | etc.; and is the most valuable, as well as the most | + | authentic, addition to the history of Alaska. And is one of | + | the most elegant books issued in America. | + | | + | LEE & SHEPARD, Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. | + | | + | THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | SUPPLIED BY THE | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | We recommend for bank and office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | _Sole Agents for United States._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO + +Vol. I. No. 6. + +SATURDAY, MAY 7, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + * * * * * + +_CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the paper for +binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of One Dollar, by +"Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau Street, New-York City._ + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The Greatest Horse Book ever Published. | + | | + | HIRAM WOODRUFF | + | | + | ON THE | + | | + | TROTTING HORSE OF AMERICA! | + | | + | _How to Train and Drive Him._ | + | | + | With Reminiscenses of the Trotting Turf. A handsome 12mo, | + | with a splendid steel-plate portrait of Hiram Woodruff. | + | Price, extra cloth, $2.25. | + | | + | The New-York _Tribune_ says, "_This is a Masterly Treatise | + | by The Master of his Profession_--the ripened product of | + | forty years' experience in Handling, Training, Riding, and | + | Driving the Trotting Horse. There is no book like it in any | + | language on the subject of which it treats." | + | | + | BONNHE says in the _Ledger_, "It is a book for which every | + | man who owns a horse ought to subscribe. The information | + | which it contains is worth ten times its cost." For sale by | + | all booksellers, or single copies sent postpaid on receipt | + | of price. | + | | + | Agents wanted. | + | | + | J. B. FORD & CO., Printing-House Square, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET, | + | | + | New-York, | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | + | | + | any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | + | calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Notice to Ladies. | + | | + | DIBBLEE, | + | | + | Of 854 Broadway, | + | | + | Has just received a large assortment of all the latest | + | styles of Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. | + | | + | FROM PARIS, | + | | + | Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | + | | + | La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, La Sirene, | + | L'Imperatrice, etc., | + | | + | At prices varying from $2 upward. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HERCULES MUTUAL | + | | + | LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY | + | | + | OF THE UNITED STATES | + | | + | No. 240 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. | + | | + | All Policies | + | | + | Entitled to Participation in Profits. | + | | + | Dividends Declared Annually. | + | | + | JAMES D. REYMERT, President. | + | | + | ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary | + | | + | THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., Medical Examiner. | + | | + | ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers | + | who have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, | + | or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance. $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783. | + | | + | _(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. 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Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | + | purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY SPEAR, | + | | + | STATIONER, PRINTER, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. | + | | + | ACCOUNT BOOKS MADE TO ORDER. | + | | + | PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. | + | | + | 82 Wall Street, NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: YE YONGE MANNE OF MANHATTAN. + +Ye Yonge Manne is born, and his parents hasten with him to ye abode of +ye BROWN, praying that he may be christened among ye upper tenne. + +And when ye Yonge Manne takes a daughter of ye upper tenne to wife, ye +BROWN sees that he is married in ye BROWN his church. + +Ye BROWN demands if ye parents put in their coal in ye Summer time; and, +being told that they do, he has ye Yonge Manne christened in his church, +and when he grows up ye BROWN introduces him into Society. + +And when ye Yonge Manne he dies, ye BROWN arranges with all ye gardeners +and black-goods men. And so, ye Yonge Manne, he is done entirely BROWN.] + + * * * * * + + THE BACHELOR'S MOVING-DAY. + AHA! + A mere half-hour's bother! + Suppose I were a father-- + A luckless wight, called "Pa"! + + I'd say, + "Now curse the restless rover + That first (despising clover!) + Invented Moving-day!" + + O yes! + Especially, if moving + Was likely to be proving + (As usual) a mess! + + Why, look! + You've got no end of articles. + Sure to be smashed to particles, + Or "snaked off" with a "hook"! + + You've got + Chairs, bedsteads, tables, crockery-- + (Recital seems a mockery!) + You've got--what have you not? + + What's worse, + Your things won't fit new places, + Your wife won't like new faces-- + Your very maid will curse! + + Your hat + And other things _do_ fall so! + And children they _do_ bawl so! + Good heavens! think of that, + + And think + Of possible colds and fevers-- + Cartmen that prove deceivers-- + Nothing to eat or drink! + + Small bliss + For bachelors so lonely--. + Tired of one thing only: + But they escape all this! + + And pray, + What man with sons and daughters + Don't sigh for bachelor quarters + About the First of May? + + * * * * * + +Printed, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE DELIGHTS OF DOUGHERTY. + +At the Banquet of the Army of the Potomac in Philadelphia, Mr. DANIEL +DOUGHERTY made one of the most extraordinary speeches on record, if we +except certain forensic efforts of Mr. PUNCHINELLO delivered during the +earlier stages of his career from his box. Mr. DOUGHERTY is a Soarer, +and a Spreader, and a Screamer. Speaking metaphorically, be goes higher, +measures more from the tip of one wing to the other, and is more +suggestive of the warbling of a locomotive in his speech than any other +Eagle in Philadelphia, which is saying a great deal. DANIEL is a Giant +of Rhetoric, and would remind us of the Big Gentleman from Cardiff, only +that mysterious personage is too heavy to Soar; for which reason he +usually occupies the ground floor, which Mr. DOUGHERTY does not do by +any manner of means. + +It was this extraordinary capacity of Mr. DOUGHERTY for Soaring which +caused him to be called upon by the Army of the Potomac for a speech. +The great D. begins by declaring that he would rather speak for his +country than for Pennsylvania, which, considering that he also declared +that he came "as a modest spectator," does not strike us as the depth of +humility. However, "my bosom," said Mr. D., "is not confined to any +locality;" and we believe that Mr. PECKSNIFF said something like this of +his own frontal linen. Yet, we should like to know what Mr. DOUGHERTY +does for a chest when his own has gone upon its extensive journeys; +something temporary is done, we suppose, with a pad. But the Bosom was +at the Banquet, and the proprietor was there to thump it, until it must +have sounded and reverberated; and if Mr. DOUGHERTY had also thumped his +head, there would have been equal evidence of hollowness within. "May my +tongue never prove a traitor!" cried the orator. Mr. PUNCHINELLO hastens +to reassure him. The tongue is well enough, and is likely to be. It's +something a little higher up that is likely to give out. + +If the applause of the brave men before him was what Mr. DOUGHERTY +wanted, (besides his dinner,) then of applause he got the Stomach under +his Bosom full. The speech was received, according to the reporters, +with a roaring which has not been equalled since the Lions in the Den +roared at the other DANIEL, until they found that the good man was +neither to be roared or sneezed at with impunity. The cheering was +"tremendous." The cheering was "terrific." The cheering was "prolonged." +And there stood "the Bosom not confined to any locality," but just then +swelling, and expanding, and dilating--shall we for once be fine, and +say like an Ocean Billow? Voices which shouted at Gettysburg now hailed +Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY as a Conquering Hero--the conqueror of their cars! +Once in a while there was "great laughter" when Mr. D.D. hadn't said any +thing specially funny--that is, if Mr. PUNCHINELLO is a judge of fun; +and if he isn't, who in all the world is? There are two kinds of +laughter--the laughing at and the laughing with; and we have known +"tremendous" and even "vociferous" applause to be very suspicious. + +It must be a source of calm satisfaction to General GRANT to know that +he is considered the "great and glorious GRANT" by Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY; +although DANIEL once considered Mr. BUCHANAN, poor man! to be equally +"great and glorious." So DANIEL also considers SHERMAN to be "immortal," +and SHERIDAN "unconquerable," and MEADE "glorious." Adjectives are +cheap, you know; and D.D., Esq., has evidently a great stock of them in +his Wandering Bosom. Only, great soldiers, who know the precise value of +Mr. DOUGHERTY'S military opinions, might not care to have them laid on +too thickly. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO has written to Mr. DOUGHERTY'S Family Doctor to inquire +into the state of Mr. D's health after this tremendous effort, and he +sends us a bulletin that Mr. D. is "as well as could be expected." We do +not know what he means by this; it seems to us to lack scientific +precision. The point upon which we wished to be informed was, whether +Mr. D. did or did not break any thing--not the tumblers on the table, +for that we should expect; but any thing in the way of blood-vessels. +Not to put too fine a point upon it, How's the Bosom? + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN CUTLERY IN FRANCE. + +The great pride, the _dulce decus_ of Americans, has long been in their +pocket hardware, and the skill with which they use it. But we must +henceforth look to our laurels. France is competing alarmingly with us +in the use of the revolver. They were always a revolutionary people, +were the French, and revolving seems, therefore, to suit their temper to +a T, (Gunpowder T, of course.) Since the slaying of NOIR by BONAPARTE, +the affectation of readiness with the pistol has become quite the thing +in Paris. New-York and Paris will soon be exactly alike in the bullet +business--especially Paris. PAUL DE CASSAGNAC, it seems, has been +invited by some anonymous person to meet him at a certain hour in front +of the _mairie_ of the Seventeenth _arrondissement_, for the purpose of +having his brains removed with a revolver. PAUL declined to go, however. +The _Mairie_ mentioned in the cartel was not the one for PAUL. Probably +he would have gone to VIRGINIA, had he been invited to do so; but never +a MAIRIE for the faithful PAUL. And might have come by way of New-York, +where he would soon have grown so used to having his brains removed with +a revolver that the process would have become a pleasure to him. + + * * * * * + +PHILADELVINGS. + +PUNCHINELLO cannot help liking Philadelphia, and always feels a pang of +sympathy whenever any thing happens to that plain old city. One reason +for this is, (and he is not ashamed of the weakness,) that Philadelphia +likes PUNCHINELLO and takes, weekly, he would not be vain enough to say +how many hundred copies of his journal. And now Philamaclink, as her +natives love to call her, is afflicted with a terrible disease--a +fearful attack of chronic Legislature. Even when the active symptoms of +this dread malady have subsided, the effects linger, and the consequent +suffering is excruciating. One of the direst of the effects of the last +attack is a dreadful bill--not a bile--which has caused a utilization +sewage company to appear upon her body corporate. It is almost +impossible for sister cities to understand the torments of such an +affliction. Nobody can now clear away their own dirt--Councils, Board of +Health, or any body else. If rooms are swept, the sewage company must +take up the dust; if a pig-pen or a stable needs cleaning, the company +must do it; if the lady of a house throws the slops out of her breakfast +cups, the company must carry them away; if a man knocks the ashes from +his cigar, he must save them for the company; if, anywhere in the city, +a foul word is spoken, the company must have the benefit of it. Even the +birds in the squares must not cleanse their nests without a printed +permit from the company. If a bedstead is cleaned, the company must have +the bugs. Only one dirty thing is safe from this all-powerful +corporation, and that is the legisiative delegation from the city. If +the refuse matter were taken from that, there would be nothing left. It +has been proposed that the Legislature itself should be purified; but +this idea is Utopian, PUNCHINELLO fears. If Niagara were squirted +through its halls, the water would be dirtied, but the halls would not +be cleansed. Alas, poor city! Trampled under the heels of the +aristocratic HONG and PENNY BUNN, what is there to hope for it? + +But all has not been told. There are about eight hundred thousand +inhabitants in the place. Some twenty thousand of these owe small sums +for unpaid taxes, averaging about nine and a quarter cents to a man. To +collect these sums, an army of seventy-two thousand able-bodied men, at +salaries of one thousand dollars per annum, has been commissioned by the +PENNY BUNN Legislature. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not been told. A private firm has prevailed +upon the imbecile old farmers from the western and interior counties to +give them the right to build a private freight railroad through many of +the principal streets of the Quaker City. This road will run through +several school-house yards, and the time-tables are to be so arranged +that trains shall always be due at those points at recess time. Every +fiftieth private house along the lines is to have a road-station and +freight-depot in its front-parlor, and all male residents on said routes +are to serve in turn, without pay, as brakesmen and switch-tenders. The +owners of all vehicles injured by the trains are to be heavily fined, +and the families of individuals allowing themselves to be killed are to +be mulcted in heavy damages. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. A counterfeit tax-bill +has been passed by the Legislature. All the sums handed in to the State +Treasury by the tax collectors have been found to be "bogus" money. This +action has been indorsed by the Legislature, and the action of that body +is hereafter to be of the same character as the funds paid in by its +creatures. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. Colonel FORNEY intends +resuming his "Occasional" letters in the _Press!_ + +Enough! Humanity can bear no more. + + * * * * * + +Query by a Constitutional Student. + +When the Governor or President V-toes a bill, is he supposed to put +his foot on it? + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +SPECTACLES are proverbially fit for old eyes. Probably that is the +reason why the spectacle of the _Twelve Temptations_ is so dear to the +aged eyes of the gray-haired old gentlemen who occupy the front seats at +the Grand Opera House. It is certainly a brilliant spectacle, though, +like the ideal scene to which Mrs. NICKLEBY's eccentric and vegetarian +lover once referred, it consists principally of "gas and gaiters." Not +that it is exclusively an Old Folks' entertainment; for, as the critics +say of portentously dull juvenile books, "it will be found as +interesting to the young as to the old." Though the dullest of dramas, +it is so brightened by brilliant legs that it dazzles every beholder. +Why, then, should the stern advocate of the legitimate drama refuse to +acknowledge that the _Twelve Temptations_ has its redeeming legs? How +runs the ancient proverb, "Singed milk is better than it looks;" or that +equally ancient philosophical maxim, "There is no use in crying over +spilt cats"? The stupid story of ULRIC'S folly is made more attractive +than one would suppose that it could be, and we need not weep over the +fact that it is a spectacle, and not a SHAKESPEAREAN tragedy. + +The bold explorers who have reached the remote Opera House, +fought their way past the misanthropic door-keeper, and gained their +seats, are first reduced to a state of mental chaos by the performance +of a maddening overture, and are then fitted to appreciate the play, +which proceeds after the following pattern: + +_Act 1. Curtain rises upon a score of Unintelligible Demons_, who sing +this impressive chorus: + + "Oh! um um um um + For um um um um + And um um um um + To um um um um." + +_Exeunt Demons. Enter_ RUDOLPH THE TEMPTER. _He remarks to the +surrounding scenery_--"ULLERIC'S soul must be mine, or else the dark +abodes of torment await me. I will tempt him. Great Master, appear." + +_The Great Master--a major-general of fiends--appears, and, approving +of_ RUDOLPH'S _virtuous resolve, they descend to--well, they descend +below the Erie Building, to drink to his success. Scene changes to_ +ULRIC'S _home. Enter_ ULRIC _and family, including Aged Mother, Virtuous +Heroine, Hated Rival, and Demoniac Servant._ + +ULRIC. "Motherr, this slife is intollerrabble; I will do any thing to +escape frrrom it." + +_Enter_ RUDOLPH _and Unintelligible Demons (disguised.) They sing as +before._ + + "Oh! um um um um," etc. + +ULRIC. "The song says terruly. I will go with you, though you were the +fiend himself." + +_Consternation on the part of every one. Demoniac Servant remarks, "Ha! +ha!"_ ULRIC _and the Demons sink through the floor. Scene changes to the +Studio of Eblis._ + +RUDOLPH. "Take this collar. Behold these stripes painted upon it. +Whatever you wish you shall have at the price of five years of your +life. A stripe will vanish each time your wish is gratified. (_Aside._) +The stripes are only cloth, you know, and you can pull 'em off when your +back is turned to the audience. Is it a bargain?" + +ULRIC. "It 'er is." (_Malignant crash from the orchestra._) + +RUDOLPH. "ULLERIC, 'tis well. Now thou shall behold our sports." + +_Enter ballet girls, dressed in red gaiters and torches. They dance the +Demon Cancan, waving their torches and scattering the flames. Old +Gentleman, in the front row hears such charming little asides as, "Drat +you,_ MARY SMITH, _you've burnt my hand." "I'll slap your face, Miss, if +you step on my foot again." "O_ NELLY! _my hair's a-coming down."_ + +Curtain finally falls upon a blaze of light and a bewildering wealth of +legs. + +_Old Gentleman, in front row._ "Well, he! he! that's pretty good; he! he! +Devilish pretty girls some of 'em; he! he!" + +_Virtuous Matron._ "My dear, isn't it shameful. I never saw any thing so +disgusting." + +_Sceptical Husband._ "Then perhaps we'd better go at once." + +_Virtuous Matron._ "N--no. I'll sit through one more act, and see if it +gets any worse." + +_Fast Young Man._ "They're all padded, you know. You can't feel sure +about one of 'em. There were gals in the _Crook_ who used to pad their's +from here to here"--(_adds explanatory pantomime._) + +_Travelled Man, who has been to Paris._ "These girls can't dance, I +assure you. Now, at the Châtelet they do these things differently." + +_Admiring Friend to Travelled Man._ "What spectacles did you see at the +Châtelet?" + +_Travelled Man,_ (who was in Paris only two days, and never saw even the +outside of the theatre.) "It was--let me see--Oh! _Moses in Egypt_ was +the name of the piece. It was gorgeous; full of Egyptian scenery, and +Egyptian dancing girls and things." + +_Admiring Friend, (with aggravating persistence.)_ "Do you mean +Rossini's _Moses_?" + +_Travelled Man, (quite desperate.)_ "Of course! He's the rival of +OFFENBACH, you know. But come, let's go and take something." + +(_They go, the faith of the Admiring Friend in the Travelled Man's +veracity being, however, perceptibly shaken._) + +Three more acts follow. ULRIC makes a dozen wishes, all of which are +gratified, and all of which have the inevitable effect of transporting +him into scenes pervaded by the female leg to an extent that easily +reconciles him to the successive loss of five years of his life. He +finally becomes King of Egypt, and, after having fought against the +Crusaders in defence of those well-known Mohammedan gods, ISIS and +OSIRIS, is carried down a trap by exulting demons. An Intolerable Comic +Man opens up hitherto unknown wastes of dreariness, and sings a comic +song that is positively more tedious than an article from the _Nation_. +The Demoniac Servant is continually shot up through spring traps, in +order to remark, "Ha! ha!" and to immediately disappear again. The Aged +Mother travels from Flanders to Egypt without changing her dress or +combing her back hair, for the vain purpose of begging "ULLERIC" to +repent. Consumptive Knights fight terrific broad-sword duels with a +thirst for combat that beer alone is subsequently able to allay. The +Virtuous HEROINE displays a very neat pair of ankles, but without +winning "ULLERIC" from the devil of his ways. Half a dozen ballets are +successively introduced, in which the skirts of the dancers are seen to +decrease as rapidly and steadily as the stripes on ULRIC'S magic collar. +Finally, a grand Transformation Scene, which has nothing whatever to do +with the play, exhibits the best legs of the company in the most +favorable attitudes, and the green baize curtain falls upon the great +spectacle of the day. + +_Virtuous Matron._ "Well, I never! It's positively indecent. I'd like to +take a whip to those shameless hussies." + +_Sceptical Husband._ "PAGE offered me a proscenium box the other day. +Suppose we take it to-morrow night?" + +_Virtuous Matron._ "I'll go to please you, my dear. And really the +scenery is pretty." + +_Wretched Man, who is shameless enough to admit that he likes it._ "I +like it. The ballet's good, the scenery is splendid, and the music might +be worse. Why don't these ladies, who come here and sit it through, have +the honesty to admit that they come because they like it? But no; they +go away, and at the next party, where they wear dresses lower in the +neck than any I've seen on the stage to night, they'll abuse the poor +girls who have danced here for their amusement. Their malignant modesty +does not deserve the respect of an intelligent _figurante_. If they are +sincere, why do they come here?" + +Which question still puzzles the perturbed mind of + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Give 'em Rope. + +We clip the following from the _Express_: + +"There seem to be more legal loopholes for convicted murderers to escape +through than for any other class of criminals." + +That is too true, by a great deal. There should be but one "legal +loophole" for a convicted murderer, and the authorities should not let +him escape through the loop of it--they should Knot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MOVING INCIDENT. + +_Pat, (to Bridget.)_ "TAKE YOUR MASTHER'S TRUNK TO THE RAILROAD, IS IT? +OCH! BOTHER--DON'T YOU SEE I'M MOVIN' A FAMILY?"] + + * * * * * + +THE "TOBACCO PARLIAMENT" OF OHIO. + +For genial law-making in America commend us to the Ohio House of +Representatives. While we haven't learned that the legislation of this +august body has been particularly hazy of late, we think it must have +been wholesome, for we are assured that much of it has been thoroughly +"fumigated" through the exertions of the majority of its members, who +perform their functions with pipes in their mouths, while drawn up in +semi-circle around a couple of fire-places built expressly for their +accommodation--"one on each side of the speaker's desk," Who _wouldn't_ +legislate, (and early, too,) if he could do it with his feet on the +fender, his well-flavored Havana or best Virginia leaf in his mouth, and +the privilege of cracking jokes and telling naughty stories _ad +interim?_ Go it, ye Buckeye lawmakers! Shall we hear of any sympathy for +Cuba in that quarter? + + * * * * * + +A "Woman's Physic." + +(MRS. C--N TO MRS. MCF--D.) + +"My Darling, I have found a panacea for all woes, In Man: + + _When one man will not suit or stay, + Then get another, right away."_ + + * * * * * + +CABLE NEWS. + +[EXCLUSIVELY FOR PUNCHINELLO.] + +GREAT BRITAIN. + +The Great PUNCHINELLO dinner has come off! JENKINS was there, and was to +have telegraphed an account. But he was not so well as usual the next +day, the Thames water having got into his head. JENKINS never _could_ +take much water. So your correspondent is obliged to trust to his +memory--unaffected by the water, which he did not take. + +Old London Tavern was the scene of this banquet, given by the _literati_ +of England in honor of the long-wished-for coming of PUNCHINELLO. The +dining-hall was decorated for the occasion with appropriate portraits. +There were HOGARTH, CERVANTES, ADDISON, MOLIÈRE, SWIFT, STERNE, +GOLDSMITH, TOM HOOD, IRVING, THACKERAY, DICKENS, and ARTEMUS WARD. A +number of the waiters were costumed in character. From my seat, I +recognized SAM WELLER, (right behind me;) the Fat Boy of _Pickwick;_ +SANCHO PANZA, and JEAMES YELLOWPLUSH. + +Mr. PUNCH was represented at the head of the table so well that you +could know him at once from his weekly frontispiece. On one side of him +sat CHARLES DICKENS; on the other, your humble ambassador. It would be +rather invidious to name the other hundred guests; not to be there was +to be nowhere in literature. Near me there sat Lord LYTTON, TOM HUGHES, +PRÉVOST PARADOL, EDMOND ABOUT, CHARLES KINGSLEY, PAUL FÉVAL, and the +Rev. JOHN CUMMING. + +Asking, in a whisper, of Mr. PUNCH how the latter very staid individual +came to be there, I understood that, of all the absurd men of this +century, he was selected as the most representatively preposterous. The +PRINCE OF WALES was not asked, lest his morals might be hurt by +something that was said. And it is so important, you know, for the +British nation--(for the rest, see the _Saturday Review_.) And then +Madame GEORGE SAND was to be there, who sometimes wears trowsers. + +MATTHEW ARNOLD was spoken to about it; but he replied gruffly, + +"PUNCHINELLO is Goliath of the Philistines!" and declined. + +JOHN STUART MILL was too busy over his next book, which is to be "On the +Subjection of Horses." But every body else was there, so we did not miss +these grave and reverend seigniors. + +How the twenty-five courses came on and went off, from the ox-tail soup +and salmon to the dessert, it would need the tongue or pen of SOYER or +PIERRE BLOT to narrate; as it needed the capacity of a FALSTAFF to do +justice to them. And then, when the cover was removed, came the time of +trial to your correspondent. "The Queen" and "the President" were drunk +with all the honors. Then Mr. PUNCH called out, through his magnificent +old nose, so that you might have heard him across the Channel, "Health +and long life to PUNCHINELLO!" + +Now, your correspondent had remembered Mr. HAWTHORNE'S experience at a +Lord Mayor's dinner, and had begged Mr. PUNCH by all means to let him +off without a speech. But, more worldly-wise than HAWTHORNE, he didn't +believe that Mr. PUNCH would keep his promise; so he had prepared a +speech, beginning, "Not anticipating any occasion to open my lips in +this illustrious company, you must allow me to speak altogether on the +impulse of the moment." (Hear, hear.) So this had to be delivered; but +for the rest of it, and of the dinner, you must wait for my next +telegram. Mr. PUNCH is going to have the speech published in pamphlet +form, for distribution among his numerous constituents. So, now for the +rest of my _news_. + +FRANCE. + +The PRINCE OF MONACO has declared war against France. OLLIVIER proposes +to send the PRINCE IMPERIAL to extinguish him with a corps of infantry, +armed with popguns; no one to be admitted to the corps who is more than +four years old. MONACO aspires to be a sort of LOPEZ. + +TURKEY. + +Sultan ABDUL AZIZ has just had a visit from a friend of JOHN BRIGHT'S. +To the surprise of every body, even his most intimate friends, the +Sultan immediately made up his mind to turn Quaker! He came down stairs, +and went into mosque, the other day, with a broad-brimmed hat, straight +coat, and drab trowsers; and insisted on all the ladies of his _hareem_ +putting on plain bonnets, and holding a "silent meeting" in the +Seraglio! How it bothered them to do that last thing you may well +suppose! More anon, from PRIME. + + * * * * * + +A Bit of Fish. + +SECRETARY FISH is said to preserve a decidedly spruce appearance +at the State Dinners. Fish is nothing if not Fin-ical. + + * * * * * + +FISH SAUCE. + +The sight of a thick, four-pound steak, just cut from a halibut that +must have weighed, (the idea of a fish wading!) some two hundred pounds, +reminds us that trout-fishing is just now in full operation. What a +strange, weird mystery there is about mental associations! Long, long +ago, we possessed a favorite trout-rod fitted with a Hollow Butt, and so +it is that whenever we see a Halibut, trouting comes to our mind. + +Yesterday, frogs were croaking, and insects all in green livery, with +gilt buttons, contributed to Nature's Great Boston Jubilee of music with +their hum. How ridiculous it seems that insects should have a hum!--and +yet the Bee has its Hum in its hive. + +It is at this season that enthusiastic anglers always get water on the +brain. Their dreams are of gurgling brooks. They have visions of +mill-ponds, with beautiful little cascades sluicing into them over dams. +They stand, in imagination, on bridges, in the eddies beneath which they +discern the wagging of silvery tails and rosy fins; and a very common +form of nightmare with them is to fancy that the reel of the fishing-rod +won't work, just as they are going to wind up a four-pound trout. + +Now, also, is the time when friend gives much advice to friend on the +subject of the "gentle art." (A trout's opinion on this branch of art, +by the by, would be worth having. Perhaps he might not consider it so +gentle.) + +One student of the angle will say to another, "Always fish up the +stream. Fish lie with their heads to the current and their tails in the +opposite direction: therefore, by casting up-stream, you run the less +chance of being seen by them." + +Another says, "Be sure you make your casts down-stream; your bob-flies +like it better, as you can see by the way they dance on the ripples." + +Quoth another, "Always soak your casting-lines with water before you +start for the river-side;" while a fourth instructs you never to +straighten your lines with water, but by passing them through a piece of +India rubber doubled between the finger and thumb. + +_Our_ advice is, Never cast against the wind. In fact, you can't do it; +and if you try it, you run the risk of getting _strabismus_--that is, +the Cast in your eye. Artificial flies, like artificial flowers, never +should follow nature. Manufacturers of both articles perfectly +understand this; and hence the superiority of their productions to the +mere realities that flutter and bloom for their brief hour, and then +die. There is nothing in entomology so beautiful as a well-busked trout +or salmon fly. And then it is comparatively indestructible. Take a +natural May Fly and squeeze it in your hand. It is reduced to a pulp. +Try the same experiment with an artificial one, and its plumage remains +unruffled--which is more than you do, since the chance is that you will +have to employ a surgeon to extract the hook from the ball of your +thumb. + +[Illustration: "SHOO! FLY."] + +We are assured by a broker, who, in Spring-time, always becomes a +brooker, that by far the surest lure for a large trout is the Greenback +Fly. He is acquainted with a man who, whenever he goes a-fishing, always +has a four-pound trout to pack in ice and send up to a friend in the +city. By post, a letter is dispatched to the same quarter, containing a +warm description of the playing and landing of that noble fish. The +sender usually states that he captured it with the famous fly known to +anglers as the Green Drake. Facts are against him, though; and it is +well understood by his friends that the fish was first taken by some +poaching rascal with a scoop-net, and subsequently hooked by the angler +with a five-dollar Greenback Fly. + +Nothing in life is more beautiful than a five-dollar Greenback +Fly--except, of course, a ten-dollar one, or one of indefinitely larger +denomination. + +Provided with this most charming and effective of lures, the angler is +always sure to fill his creel. He incurs no fatigue in doing so, +either, for all the boys of the village become his humble servants to +command; and if there be a four-pound trout in the miller's pond, he is +sure to hook it with the Greenback Fly, while the boys generally "hook +it" also, lest the miller should catch them at their tricks. + +_How to make the Greenback Fly_--Give it to your wife. Much has been +said concerning the efficacy of the Water Fly as a lure. For our own +part, we have not tried it. We know rather less about it than we do +about the Water Cure; but we cheerfully print the following directions +on the subject, taken from the fly-leaf of an old book. + +_How to make the Water Fly_: Fall into it. + + * * * * * + +HALL AND HAYES. + +The friends of Dr. HAYKS and those of Captain HALL are engaged in a +heated discussion as to which of the two ought to be sent by Congress in +search of the North Pole. As the public does not know who is right and +who is wrong, we present our readers with the arguments of each party; +so that they can decide which explorer is the man for the post--we +should say, pole. + +WHAT THE HAYES PARTY SAYS. + +1. The Pole being surrounded by water, must be reached by boats. HAYES +is a sailor and HALL is not. Therefore HAYES is the man to sail to the +Pole. + +2. HAYES is a Bostonian; HALL is a Western man. Bostonians are famed for +their skill in prying into every thing; while Western men stupidly mind +their own business. Therefore HAYES is naturally fitted to become an +explorer. + +3. HALL spent his time while in the Arctic Region in the society of +Esquimaux. HAYES attended to his ship, and lived on pork and beef +like a Christian. Therefore HAYES is the better man. + +4. HAYES understands the use of instruments, and can take observations +of the temperature of hot springs, if any are found. HALL knows nothing +about instruments, and could not tell the time by a barometer if his +life depended upon it. Therefore HAYES should be the Congressional +favorite. + +5. HALL is hot-tempered and once killed one of his crew. HAYES is a cool +man and never killed any body, except as a medical practitioner. Cool +men are at home in the Arctic Region. Therefore send HAYES. + +WHAT THE HALL PARTY SAYS. + +1. If the Pole is surrounded by water, it must be a visible point of +land. HALL is a landsman, and therefore the proper man to send in search +of land. To send a sailor like HAYES in quest of land would be absurd. +Therefore HALL is the right man. + +2. HALL is a steady, hardworking, energetic Western man. HAYES is a +meddling Yankee. Of course HALL is the better man for carrying out a +difficult enterprise. + +3. HALL has lived in the Arctic land as the Arctic people do; while +HAYES knows nothing of the people of that region. Therefore HALL is by +far the best man to send. + +4. HAYES can have no use for his instruments in a place where there is +nothing but ice. HAYES would, therefore, only add to the cost of the +expedition. HALL can take all necessary observations with his eyes, which +cost Congress nothing and are easily carried. Therefore HALL is by all +odds the man for the expedition. + +5. If HALL is hot-tempered, so much the better. He will keep warm with +less consumption of fuel. That he killed a mutineer is proof of his +resolute adherence to discipline. HAYES would never enforce discipline +if he dared to inflict no more punishment for mutiny than a draught of +Epsom salts. Therefore HALL is plainly the man to command an exploring +party. + +Here we have the arguments which both sides advance, and our readers can +easily make up their minds. As for ourselves, the true course for +Congress to pursue seems so plainly evident that if we were asked which +is the best man, the Doctor or the Captain, we should unhesitatingly +answer in the negative. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CINCINNATUS SWEENY.] + + +CINCINNATUS SWEENY + +(Adapted from AUTHOR'S Classical Dictionary, p. 351.) + +"CINCINNATUS had retired to his patrimony, aloof from popular tumults. +The successes of the Equi, (young Democracy,) however, rendered the +appointment of a Dictator necessary, and CINCINNATUS was chosen to that +high office. He laid aside his rural habiliments, assumed the ensigns of +absolute power, levied a new army, marched all night to bring the +necessary succor to the Consul MINCIUS, (W. M. TWEED,) who was +surrounded by the enemy and blockaded in his camp, (Albany,) and before +morning surrounded the enemy's army, and reduced it to a condition +exactly similar to that in which the Romans had been placed. The baffled +Equi were glad to submit to the victor's terms, and CINCINNATUS, +returning in, triumph to Rome, (New-York,) laid down his dictatorial +power after having held it only fourteen days, and returned to his farm" +(Central Park.) + + * * * * * + +SPRING FEVER, + + In such a joyous way? + If it were as you say, + Wouldn't _I_ know it, who know every thing! + + "Ethereal mildness!" Pshaw! what nonsense, man! + Pooh! "Gentle spring," indeed! + It makes my liver bleed + To hear you talk as only idiots can. + + But you're no idiot, THOMSON; _that_ I'll say! + I'll yield another bit: + I'm ready to admit + The Seasons may have altered since your day. + + At any rate, JAMES, in the windy West + (Which wasn't in your eye-- + At least, not frequently) + Your boasted Spring is _not_ a gentle guest. + + My patience, no! She's the reverse of that! + Ah! hear her savage roar; + (So often heard before!) + And there (confound it!) goes my new Spring hat. + + Alas! what means this stupid somnolence? + Why do my pulses go + So "melancholy slow"? + Why can't I think? why always "on the fence"? + + O dews and fogs! O rain and snow and slush! + O various other things! + My soul! what need of wings: + Yes, "Spring's delights" are coming with a rush! + + But stay, friend THOMSON--what you say is true: + Here _is_ a nice warm day! + The breezes softly play-- + Then why, oh! _why_ then, do I feel so blue? + + One "would not die in Spring-time," certainly-- + Nor any other season, + For the same reason-- + But if one can't eat dinner, why _not_ die? + + Is there no panacea for such ills? + Oh! yes, a jolly one: + I find it in the dun! + In landlords', butchers', grocers', tailors' bills! + + * * * * * + +The Difference. + +GOLDEN calves were worshipped by men of old. Modern men prefer to +worship saw-dust calves. + + * * * * * + +Dramatic Query. + +Is Canada to be the Theatre of a Fenian War? It seems that the Canadian +Volunteers think so; and, to do justice to the performance, they have +taken possession of the whole Front-tier. + + * * * * * + +The Original Bow. + +The EL-bow. + + * * * * * + +Not the Chimney for a Studio. + +ONE that won't Draw. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SICK EAGLE. + +COLUMBIA. "DO LET THE POOR BIRD OUT, MR. B.; HE DROOPS SADLY." + +Mr. BOOTWELL. "REALLY I DON'T SEE ANY THING THE MATTER WITH HIM, MA'AM. +HIS CAGE IS ALL GOLD, AND HE SURELY OUGHT TO BE CONTENTED."] + + * * * * * + +AN EXCELLENT OLD SONG MADE NEW. + +BY A DEFAULTER. + + Is there for his dishonesty + Who hangs his head, and a' that? + The coward slave, we pass him by, + And dare to steal for a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Our grabs and games, and a' that, + Our business is to make a pile + And swindle SAM, and a' that. + + What though the people curse and swear + At losing gold, and a' that? + Their fiercest wrath we'll proudly bear, + And cash is cash for a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Their lawyers, courts, and a' that. + The lucky rogue who wins his pile + Is king of men for a' that. + + The President knows how to beat + In battle, siege, and a' that; + But we're the lads for swift retreat, + Although he growl, and a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Our bonds and oaths and a' that, + A bouncing swag's the better thing + For gentlemen, and a' that. + + Then let us pray that come it may, + As come it shall for a' that, + That plundering gents may keep the sway, + And help themselves, and a' that. + For a' that and a' that. + Leg bail's the thing, and a' that; + For travelling improves the mind, + The body saves, and a' that. + + * * * * * + +THE THIRTEENTH MAN IN THE OMNIBUS. + +The New-York omnibus was constructed to seat and carry twelve persons; +certainly not more. Indeed, when twelve men, of nominal size, sit +squarely on the seats and do not clownishly cross their legs, one may +ride in an omnibus with comfort. Nay, with these conditions, he _may_ +generally escape having his toes crushed, his shins kicked, his shoes +soiled, or his trowsers daubed with mud by his neighbor. But alas! how +often is this paradisiacal state disturbed by the intrusion of "the +thirteenth man in the omnibus." + +Shall I attempt to portray the creature? He is pretty well known, and +perhaps the picture will be recognized. Sometimes he may be seen +standing at the corner of the street lying in wait for the "bus." He is +never known to walk toward its starting-place, lest he might be +confounded with the "twelve" by getting inside before the seats are +filled. No; he is "nothing if not" odd. His very hat never sits squarely +upon his head like the hat of a gentleman. It is either elevated in +front like a sophomore's, or depressed on one side, as if he had just +come from a cheap spree in the Bowery, or was troubled with some +obtrusive "bump" that kept his hat awry. If by chance he gets a seat +inside the omnibus, (as "accidents will happen," etc.,) he must cross +his legs and wipe the mud from his ill-shod feet upon your trowsers or +your wife's dress. + +Indeed, methinks it was he who invented sitting cross-legged in a public +vehicle. Do savages ever sit thus when in close company? I have never +been able to imagine what special human sin this ingenious mode of +annoyance was meant to punish. It has been suggested that it might be +the man's pantomimic protest against sitting at all. But the saddest +commentary upon this vice of our hero is, that by some mysterious +magnetism of awkwardness and ill-breeding, he has betrayed into +imitation of it men whose early education has been less neglected than +his own. + +Sometimes, as he gets into the "'bus," he carries in his hand or mouth +the stump of a half-burned, extinct cigar, which fills the atmosphere +with a rank and sickening odor. More frequently he is dressed in +well-worn black, and his clothes reek with noisome exhalations of stale +tobacco-smoke. Shall I finish his picture? I verily believe he is the +original Loafer. + +Methinks I see him in my mind's eye. I am riding in a Broadway ominibus. +I have just handed up my fare, and, taking my seat, have surrendered +myself to a sweet half-hour of reverie. I disdain to spoil my eyes or +waste my time by newspaper-reading. I dream, and save my time for better +things, as I conceive. + +The stage is full. "Twelve inside." The driver does not seem to get +along. He is constantly stopping or turning his horses to the sidewalk, +right or left. You wonder what is the matter. You begin to think the +whole town is striving to get a ride down with you in that particular +"'bus." At every street-corner we linger or stop. Suddenly the door is +pulled open with a jerk and our enemy leaps in. He sees the seats are +filled, but he does not hesitate. There is always room for him. Indeed, +his "spirit rises with the occasion." He becomes pertinacious as he is +offensive. He tramples upon more than one pair of feet in his struggle +to reach the middle of the omnibus. The passengers patiently submit to +the intrusion with that quiet good nature with which Americans usually +suffer imposition invasive of good manners, or petty social rights. They +seem to feel they can "stand it" if he can. + +His mode of paying his fare evolves a climax of unconscious +impertinence. In order to have free use of one hand to pass up his +money, he grasps cane or umbrella with the other hand, by which he holds +the pendent strap. By this means he loses control of the lower end of +his stick, which thereby becomes an automatic instrument of torture, +menacing your face and eyes in quite a savage way. Indeed, his apparent +unconsciousness that he is a nuisance, and ought to be kicked out, +really approaches the sublime. + +He is a pet of the driver, of course. Some innocent people wonder that +the drivers of omnibuses or cars should feel so very charitably disposed +toward the human family in general, as to take up extra passengers when +all seats are filled. Short-sighted mortals! Do you not see it! The more +passengers, beyond the complement of the "'bus," the more perquisites +for an ill-requited profession. + +To return to our black sheep. Look where he stands. As he grows weary, +he grasps the straps on either side to steady him. His attitude is a +cunningly devised mode of tormenting his fellow-passengers. Either elbow +of our nondescript just reaches the hat of your opposite neighbor or +yourself. With each jolt of the stage, by a little dexterity of +movement, or want of it, he can knock the hats over the eyes of two +persons at a time, and by a little shifting of his position he can +frequently bring down four by a single spasmodic lunge. When he is +fresher, as in the morning, and can hold his own weight, he falls in his +more natural posture. Would you know what that may be? Did you ever +observe one of the descendants of the Lost Tribes who inhabit Chatham +street dreamily waiting for a passing rustic? He is apparently in a +comatose state. His abdomen is drawn in; his body is bent like a section +of a hoop; his eyes are cast down; while both his hands are thrust +deeply into his trowser's pockets. + +But I grow weary of the subject, and stop by commending the Thirteenth +Man in the Omnibus to curiosity-hunters as a fungus growth of humanity +nursed by over-virtuous forbearance. + + * * * * * + +Hyperborean. + +The hyperbole of bores it is, to bore Congress for a hundred thousand +dollars to go to the Pole! If Captain HALL wants adventure, let him +travel to the Halls of the MONTEZUMAS. If he wishes only to be left out +in the cold, let him go to Chili; or else up in a balloon; or let him +make himself Republican candidate for something in New York. We believe +the North Pole would rather be let alone. The whole subject is, at all +events, too HAYES-y just now to be comprehended. There is a sort of +KANE-ine madness, which shows itself not in fear of water but in an +insane disposition to do big things on ice. Haul off, Captain HALL! + + * * * * * + +Meteorological Query. + +Is a temperance lecture synonymous with a Water Spout? + + * * * * * + +THE SPIRIT OF THE NAVY. + +ITS PORTER. ITS SAILS. + +_Impressions of an Outsider_. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: According to your instructions, your correspondent +proceeded to Washington, and there interviewed our present efficient +Secretary of the Navy, Admiral PORTER. I found him in his office, +surrounded by bills-of-sale of main-tops, carronades, iron-clads, +bo'sen's whistles, navy-yards, and other naval articles, the proceeds of +which were needed for the future experiments of the Department. These +papers were being bound up into bundles and stowed away by his +assistant, ROBESON. + +After the ordinary greetings had passed between the admiral and your +correspondent, the following conversation ensued: + +_Cor_. Admiral, what do you think of the Fifteenth Amendment? + +_Ad_. All right. When Americans want votes, I say, give 'em to 'em. + +_Cor_, (_A little apprehensively._) Votes are different from boats, then, +admiral? + +_Ad_. Certainly. What do the negroes want with boats? + +_Cor_. How are you satisfied, Mr. Secretary, with the plan of always +providing you with a civilian as an assistant? + +_Ad_. I don't like it. Can't help it, though. This one, however, +(_pointing his thumb over his shoulder at_ ROBESON,) don't give me much +trouble. Quiet man. + +_Cor_. What do you think of the condition of Cuba, + +_Ad_. Very nice indeed! Got Admiral POOR out there, cruising around. +Just like a picnic, you know. + +_Cor_. Are you in favor of the recognition of Cuban Independence? + +_Ad_. No, sir! What's the good? POOR might have to come home, then. + +_Cor_. You think, then, that recognition would not be a Poor policy? + +_Ad_. Yes--no! No--yes! Doormat! You know what I mean. + +_Cor_.(_quickly_.) Oh! yes. Certainly, sir! But what is your opinion upon +the woman question? + +_Ad_. Don't care a snap. Let 'em vote. Won't make a difference 'board +ship. + +_Cor_. You think, then that women will never be sailors, Admiral? + +_Ad_. Nothing they could do. Except to trim the boats; look out for the +mizen sheets or somethg o' that kind. Couldn't expect 'em, even in a +calm, to be brisk in manning the yards, much less martingales. + +_Cor_. What is your opinion, Admiral, of SHERIDAN'S work among the +Piegans? + +_Ad_. (_laughing_). Neat job. How was that for Lo? + +_Cor_. Good. Do you believe the Pope's infallible, Admiral? + +_Ad_. The Pope's what? + +_Cor_. Do you think that there is no such word as fail with PIO Nono? + +_Ad_. No, no! + +_Cor_. The Empress EUGENIE, Admiral, and Queen VICTORIA--which do you +think is the prettiest of these women? + +_Ad_. Never saw 'em swimmin'. Can't say. + +_Cor_. What is your opinion about McFARLAND? Was he justifiable, think +you? + +_Ad_. No! Poor shot. + +_Cor_. Have you seen _Frou Frou_, Admiral? + +_Ad_. Yes. In New-York. + +Cor. How did you like it, sir? + +_Ad_. Not much. Do for folks whose taste for that sort of thing is DAILY +bred. + +_Cor_. What do you think of oar new City Charter? + +_Ad_. Is it a ship? + +_Cor_. Yes, sir. It is a sort of hardship for New-York. + +_Ad_. Well, the city must be used to that. Will take in its ale pretty +much as usual, I reckon. + +_Cor_. What, sir, do you think of Chicago? + +_Ad_. Ah! go way. + +_Cor_. (_oblivious of hint_.) Where do you buy your pantaloon stuff, Mr. +Secretary? + +_Ad_. (_sharply_.) Where the woodbine twineth. + +_Cor_. Admiral, have you any children? + +_Ad_. (_loudly_.) ROBESON! + +_Cor_. My dear sir, you surprise me! Is he your son? + +_Ad_. (_to assistant_.) ROBESON! Did you see MIKE HAINES? + +_Cor_. One moment. Admiral! Let me ask of you, in which, if any, of our +New-York companies is your life insured; and do you wear the patent +perforated buckskin?-- + +Here the interview terminated. Your correspondent suddenly discovered +that he would have barely time to catch the N. Y. Express, and he took +leave with a renewed respect for the spirit of our Navy and its head. + +SNIQUE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COME, GENTLE SPRING. + +SPRING has come. Now is the time to ask your friends for seed and roots, +and to tell somebody they ought to see about the garden. Turn your +chickens into your neighbors' grounds, and the cow too, if you think she +would like to go there. Now also is the time for house-cleaning, as well +as for settling up one's affairs generally; so, after you have called in +all the money due you, and paid out as little as possible, perhaps you +had better go out West for a week or so.] + + * * * * * + +The sort of Liquor most apt to Tell upon a Man. + +PEACH Brandy. + + * * * * * + +Opinions of the Press. + +The _Sun_ thinks that the World's end would be a god-send. + +It also thinks that the Tribune is a try weakly and unique daily, +besides being a four centenary. + +It thinks that the fact of the _Times_ being out of Joint is the reason +it is getting the cold Shoulder from its subscribers. + +It thinks that the _Herald_ is not the leading paper, though it may have +Ben-it. + +It thinks that the _Sun_ is awful shiny. + + * * * * * + +The Politician's Half-and-Half. + +DEMAGOGUE and Demijohn. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +LOFTY Mr. SUMNER wished to know what Mr. CARPENTER meant by pursuing +him. He was used to being blackguarded by the enemies of his country, +but now he was hounded in the house of his friends. He had looked +through the whole Congressional Library and failed to find a precedent +for the course of the carping CARPENTER, except in the case of the +classic chap who had warmed a viper which had turned again and rent him. +He did not mean to say that Mr. CARPENTER was a viper, but he thought +nobody but an Adder would put this and that together as Mr. CARPENTER +had done. + +Mr. CARPENTER said that the passion of his friend from Boston for +maundering about himself amounted to a mild mania. All he had done was +to suggest that SUMNER had upheld States Rights twenty years ago, and +now pretended that he was never any such person. + +Mr. SUMNER said that twenty years ago the States Rights boot was upon +the other leg. ÆNEAS SILVIUS had well observed that it made a heap of +difference whose ox was gored, and HORACE had pointed out the difference +between tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee. Unless his reading of the +Cyclopedia had failed to inform him, he believed that there was a game +known as "Heads I win, tails you lose." That was his little game. When +Massachusetts States Rights were invoked to aid the colored man, States +Rights were good. When Southern States Rights were invoked to crush the +colored man, States Rights were bad. As for him, give him liberty or +give him rats. + +Mr. HARLAN wished to know why the Pacific Railway grant should be +passed. No officer of that railway had been to see him about it. He did +not believe in legislation of this kind. If a thing were worth having, +it was certainly worth asking for. He had no objection to breaking old +"ties," but he was averse to paying for new ones, unless he had some +personal reason for it. He wished he were altogether in the same +position as some of his colleagues, including these "bonds." + +WILSON, and CASSERLY, and THURMAN, and THAYER said that HARLAN was of no +account, and that was the reason why he had not been "seen." As long as +a majority was prepared, it was wasting money to conciliate any body +else. + +Mr. DRAKE said he had a better thing than the Pacific Railway. It was a +bill to provide that the Army and Navy of the United States might be put +on a war-footing on the application of any three colored persons. This +did not seem to be profitable, but it was. The profit in it was a JOB, +but much subtler than in the Pacific Railway. He hoped Senators would +see the illimitable vistas of patronage opened by the bill. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. BUTLER insisted upon his bill to annex Dominica. Somebody had said +that we had plenty of Dominicans already in the Southern States. This +was net so. He wanted to be Governor-General of Dominica. It was true +that silverware was not rife in that island, but there was an infinitude +of potential voters, who could be converted into coin. The House refused +to see it, however, and proceeded to discuss the case of SYPHER. Mr. +BROOKS said SYPHER was nothing. He did not see how SYPHER, who was a +nullity, could be figured out to be a member of Congress. Besides, +SYPHER lived in Pennsylvania. + +Mr. KELLEY said that was the very reason why SYPHER should be admitted. +Every body knew, who knew any thing of arithmetic, that a SYPHER in the +proper place amounted to a great deal. He would like to know what +objection there was to Pennsylvanians representing Louisiana? A +Pennsylvanian was sure to be right on the tariff, and a Louisianian was +sure to be wrong. Therefore a Pennsylvanian was a much better +representative than a Louisianian. Besides, SYPHER's hands were not red +with loyal blood, neither had he waded knee-deep in patriotic gore. + +Mr. BUTLER wanted to annex Dominica. + +Mr. Cox said he did not object to SYPHER'S coming in because he was a +Pennsylvanian. He was an Ohio man, and represented a New-York district. +But be thought there were too many SYPHERS here now. An integer or two +would be more useful to maintain the integrity of the House. + +Mr. BUTLER said he would like to introduce a bill to annex Dominica. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said he didn't care any thing about the merits of the +case. He knew the committee was all right. It was a martter of comity to +go with the committee. If the House added a SYPHER, it would increase +their strength ten fold. + +Mr. STOKES said he would not weep for SYPHER if he were rejected. But he +would sigh for SYPHER, if he could cipher SYPHER in. + +Mr. BUTLER moved a bill to annex Dominica. + +SYPHER tried to swear himself in, but he had been so much irritated by +the previous proceedings that he found that he had sworn himself out. + +The House adjourned, except Mr. BUTLER, who was preparing a bill to +annex Dominica. + + * * * * * + +A REMONSTRANCE. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: In the _Express_ of Saturday, April 17th, I read the +following announcement, printed at the foot of the regular weather +table, furnished for that journal by Professor THATCHER: + +"Prediction.--It will not rain within 3¾ days from 8 P.M. + +"A. E. THATCHER." + +The positive character of this prediction made it very, welcome. My wife +and myself had been invited by friends in Westchester County to go to +their house on Saturday evening, stay all night, and pass the following +day--Easter-Sunday--with them. We had nearly made up our minds to do it. +They are very pleasant folks to visit, especially about Easter time; for +the man of the house has a mania for hens, and, being a dyer by trade, +his poultry, using the refuse of the drugs instead of gravel to aid +their digestion, lay natural painted eggs of the most varied and +delicate tints. If I am strict in any matter of religion, it is with +regard to having a blow-out of eggs at Easter. My wife is as fond of +eggs as myself, (the yolk sits lightly, she says, which is a joke upon +yoke,) and she required no egging on to persuade her to accept the +invitation. We were doubtful about the weather, though; but the +"Professor's" prediction decided us, and we went. + +I thought it felt mighty like rain as we walked the short distance from +the railway station to our host's. I had rain-pains in my back, and my +wife said her corns were shooting. Nor did our punctual aches deceive +us. Between that Saturday night and Easter-Sunday morning it began to +rain. Easter-Sunday was the wettest day I remember ever to have +experienced. There was no "let up" of the deluge throughout that day +and Easter-Monday. We--my wife and I--are suffering dreadfully from the +effects of Easter-eggs, which we were obliged to devour by the stack +merely to kill time, as we could not walk out. Should we die, I will let +you know; but really it was too bad of "Professor" THATCHER. + +WEATHERBOUND. + +P.S.--Who is "Professor" THATCHER? + + * * * * * + +THE BIRD OF WISDOM IN IOWA. + +Civilization, it seems, is making some headway in Iowa. Boys are no +longer allowed to shoot small birds there, especially song-birds. And so +the little warblers can pipe it all day, if they like, and when they +grow tired and hungry, they are welcome to refresh their small systems +at the strawberry beds. There is one feature of the regulation in +question, however, that does pain us. While vocal and fly-gobbling +talents are tenderly fostered, dignified Wisdom is not only neglected, +but persecuted. Our old friend the Owl is reputed by the people of Iowa +to be rather particular in his diet, (as all wise creatures are,) and to +prefer a nice young spring chicken to almost any other "delicacy of the +season"--a proof of wisdom and refinement that proved too much for the +people of Iowa. And so they have left the poor old Owl out of the +protective enactment; and it is not only legal to shoot him, but +meritorious. The legislators could have stood the wisdom, perhaps by +itself; and possibly they might have respected the taste; but the +combination troubled them, and could not, of course, be tolerated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE MERRY FIRST OF MAY." + +_First Young Wife_. "OH! THIS HORRID HOUSE-MOVING--AN'T YOU DISTRACTED +ABOUT IT, DEAR?" + +_Second Ditto_. "O DEAR! NO. WE HAVE ARRANGED IT NICELY. CHARLES WILL +SEE TO THE FURNITURE AND THINGS, AND I WILL SUPERINTEND THE REMOVAL OF +FIDO MYSELF."] + + * * * * * + +HOW A DISCIPLE OF FOX BECAME A LOVER OF BULL. + +PHILADELPHIA, 4th Month, 13th, 1870. + +FRIEND PUNCHINELLO: I know thee treats our good city with more +consideration than thy brother journalists, and so it is that I address +the on this occasion. Last night I listened to the fiddle of OLE BULL. I +had long known of this man, even from the time when I first attired +myself in a coat, (called by the world after the name of the abdomen of +a fish,) as one who + + --"skinned a cat + And put the fur around his hat." + +But having recently been made aware of the fact that this fiddler only +availed himself, in his vain exhibitions, of a part of the _felis_ which +was not necessary to its felicity after death, I determined to give a +portion of my worldly goods toward the building of a light-house on the +Norway coast, for which purpose, I heard it averred, this man's +performances were given; and I went to the building where the fiddling +was to be, to see if it were done with fidelity for this end. + +As I sat in the upper seats of the house, serenely elevated above the +vain throng, the man BULL appeared before me. His mien was humble and +his hair was of a gray tinge, which I attributed to the ceaseless +gratings of the instrument which he held on his arm, as carefully as if +it had been an immortal child. + +At first, though I labored conscientiously toward that end, I could +discover nothing in the sounds he made which reminded me in the least +degree of a Norwegian light-house. But suddenly I forgot that useful +monument. Against my will, I seemed to be wafted aloft, even to where +the seats were cheaper; and anon, I felt as though I disported among the +shameless figures on the ceiling of the house. I now forgot all things +earthly, even that suspicious bill which friend HOPKINS paid in to my +cashier on Second-day. Yea, my whole being became, as it were, strung +upon the entrails of a cat and tickled with the tail of horse. I felt as +if I were wafted aloft on a blanket of shivering scrapes while quivering +angels gently swung me among the stickery stars! And there I heard a +melody as though the edges of glass skies were softly rubbed together. +Then all was stiller, stiller, until methought I heard nothing but one +consumptive angel breathing in his sleep. But even that sound dribbled +away, until the last drop seemed to me about to be sucked down into a +hole at the bottom of the airy void, when suddenly there came a rush as +though a vast light-house of brass had fallen into a sea of tinkling +cymbals, and I jumped so violently that my spectacles slipped from off +my nose and fell among the vain ones below. + +A second time now came the fiddler forth, and soon methought I stood +within a surgeon's operating hall. The player drew his bow as though it +were a knife, gliding over the limb of a subject in a sleep. + +So keen the blade, so soft the touch, the sleeper did not wake! I +clutched my knees--my breath did cease! + +The skin divides! + +And still he sleeps. + +The muscles and the tendons fall apart! + +He moves not. + +Oh! That glittering blade + +It deeper goes! + +A--Ah! + +He wakes! + +He yells! + +Horror! And now, through flesh and bones that vengeful weapon grinds! + +'Mid screams and oaths! + +Down falls the leg... + +I staggered forward. My hat, which much clamor in the rear had not made +me remove, fell over the iron rail and plunged, resounding ike a sinful +drum, upon the head of a painted Jersey belle below. + +I heeded not, but groped me to the door. + +And now I write to thee, friend PUNCHINELLO. Can thee buy me such a +fiddle in New-York? Thy friend, + +VENTER CLUPLE. + + * * * * * + +A Puzzler. + +The Belgians, it is said, are anxious to have the letter _h_ dropped +from the French alphabet. As that contains no _w_, how, in the event of +a new elision, will the Parisians, who are so fond of English words, +manage to spell _wheelwright_? + + * * * * * + +A Blow that Hurteth not. + +The Blow of a flower. + + * * * * * + +A Pleasant Prospect. + +If the new Superintendent of the New-York Police Force is to be as +severely tried as was his predecessor, then, surely, JOURDAN will have +"a hard road to travel." + + * * * * * + + +"OUT OF THE STREETS." + + GEORGE W. MCLEAN am I, + And potent was my name, + Till TWEED and SWEENEY crossed my path + And spoiled my little game. + + Our city roads I supervised, + Long time, with pious care, + The people's Ways I strictly watched-- + Street, Avenue, and Square + + But now, from office rudely swept + By Legislative BILL, + The crossing-sweeper's broom I ply, + My empty pouch, to fill. + + * * * * * + +Honeymoons in the Air + +The rage for passing the honeymoon in a balloon appears to be on the +wane in this country. The reason for this may be that a majority of +those who enter wedlock find they "go up" soon enough without the aid of +a balloon. + + * * * * * + +Motto for Unsuccessful Croquet-Players. + +"Hoops deferred make the heart sick." + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | Have made large additions to their very popular stock of | + | | + | ENGLISH BODY BRUSSELS, | + | | + | At $1.75, $2, and $2.25 per yard. | + | | + | BEST QUALITY VELVETS, | + | | + | At $2.50 per yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | | + | At $2.50 and $3 per yard, | + | | + | MOQUETTES AND AXMINSTERS, | + | | + | At $3.50 and $4 per yard, | + | | + | ALSO, | + | | + | Will offer a choice assortment of | + | | + | Ingrains, Three-Ply, Cocoa, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | CANTON MATTINGS, | + | | + | ENGLISH AND DOMESTIC. | + | | + | OIL-CLOTHS, etc., | + | | + | Of the Best Quality and Newest Designs. | + | | + | Novelties in Carpets | + | | + | In one piece, with | + | | + | MEDALLIONS AND BORDERS, | + | | + | And also by the yard. Received by each and every steamer. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | Silks, Dress-Goods, Japanese Poplins, | + | | + | MOHAIRS, | + | | + | PLAID AND BROCHE BAREGES, | + | | + | FRENCH PRINTED ORGANDIES, | + | | + | Jaconets, Percales, Iron Bareges, | + | | + | AND GRENADINE DITTO. | + | | + | Forming the largest assortment of choice, fresh goods they | + | have ever offered. | + | | + | The attention of their customers and the public is | + | respectfully invited. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be | + | to speak a foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce | + | it correctly; and these are the objects which are | + | most carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY SYSTEM. | + | | + | The Mastery of Languages; | + | | + | OR, | + | | + | THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES | + | IDIOMATICALLY. | + | | + | BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST. | + | | + | I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. | + | II. The Mastery Series, French. | + | III. The Mastery Series, German. | + | IV. The Mastery Series, Spanish. | + | | + | PRICE 50 CENTS EACH. | + | | + | _From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute | + | College._ | + | | + | "The results which crowned the labor of the first week were | + | so astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest | + | doubts should be raised as to his credibility. But this much | + | he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a study of less | + | than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the | + | newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects." | + | | + | FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS. | + | | + | "The principle may be explained in a line--it is first | + | learning the language, and then studying the grammer, and | + | then learning (or trying to learn) the language."--_Morning | + | Star_. | + | | + | "We know that there are some who have given Mr. | + | Prendergast's plan a trial, and discovered that in a few | + | weeks its results had surpassed all their | + | expectations."--_Record_. | + | | + | "A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced | + | us that the method is sound."--_Papers for the | + | Schoolmaster_. | + | | + | "The simplicity and naturalness of the system are | + | obvious."--_Herald_ (Birmingham.) | + | | + | "We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the | + | result in a reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_. | + | | + | FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS. | + | | + | "The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child | + | learns to talk."--_Troy Whig_. | + | | + | "We would advise all who are about to begin the study of | + | languages to give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_. | + | | + | "For European travellers this volume is | + | invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_. | + | | + | Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of | + | the United States on receipt of price. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers, | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | _Third Edition._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, | + | | + | Have now ready the Third Edition of | + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | From the New-York _Evening Express_. | + | "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents | + | breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title." | + | | + | From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. | + | "The author can and does write well; the descriptions of | + |scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and never | + | overstrained." | + | | + | D.A. & Co. have just published: | + | | + | A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE | + | RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. | + | By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | + | | + | REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT | + | OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A | + | DESCRIPTIONS OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY | + | OF THE MOST INTERESTING. | + | By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. | + | 8vo. $6. | + | | + | HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS | + | LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. | + | By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | + | | + | HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF | + | LEARNING LANGUAGES. | + | | + | I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | + | II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | + | III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | + | IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. | + | Price, 50 cents each. | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | BURCH'S | + | | + | Merchant's Restaurant | + | | + | AND | + | | + | DINING-ROOM, | + | | + | 310 BROADWAY, | + | | + | BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS. | + | | + | _Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._ | + | | + | _Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._ | + | | + | _Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._ | + | | + | M.C. BURCH, of New-York. | + | | + | A. STOW, of Alabama. | + | | + | H.A. CARTER, of Massachusetts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | EXTRA PREMIUMS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | Upon receipt of Five Dollars we will send PRANG & Co.'s | + | Superb Chromo of | + | | + | "EASTER MORNING." | + | | + | Size, 6-3/4 x 10-1/4. (Selling price, $3.) Free by mail. And | + | a copy of | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO | + | | + | FOR ONE YEAR. | + | | + | For Ten Dollars the Larger Size of | + | | + | "EASTER MORNING." | + | | + | 14x21. (Selling price, $10.) Free by mail. And a copy of | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO | + | | + | FOR ONE YEAR. | + | | + | The regular subscription to PUNCHINELLO is Four Dollars, | + | payable in advance. | + | | + | This offer will be kept open only for a limited time, and | + | persons desirous to avail themselves of it will please | + | | + | SEND IN AT ONCE. | + | | + | Remittances should be made in Money Orders, Bank Checks, or | + | Drafts on New-York, or by Registered Letters. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: OUR PAVEMENTS. + +_Timid Tax-payer_. "WHAT! GOING TO PAVE THIS STREET AGAIN? WHY, IT WAS +NEWLY PAVED ONLY A WEEK AGO!" + +_Gentlemanly Contractor_. "PAVED? NOT MUCH! FOUNDATION LAID, ONLY; AND +NOW WE'RE GOIN' TO PUT THE JOBBER'S PATENT TOP-SOLID-SUPERSTRUCTURE OVER +THAT!"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WALTHAM WATCHES. | + | | + | 3-4 PLATE. | + | | + | _16 and 20 Sizes._ | + | | + | To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | + | devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | + | command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | + | beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of | + | mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | + | execution these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | + | | + | In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | + | Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | + | | + | FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | _Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M._ | + | | + | Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten | + | Thousand Dollars, will be received. | + | | + | Six Per Cent Interest, Free of | + | Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | Commences on the first of every month | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_. | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, | + | EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance | + | to Oil Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout | + | the world. PRANG'S WEEKLY BULLETIN: "Bo-Peep," "Queen of the | + | Woods," "First Lesson in Music," "Travelling Comedians," | + | "City and Country Life." Illustrated Catalogues sent on | + | receipt of a stamp by | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + + Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. + No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. + No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S. W. GREEN. PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 6 *** + +This file should be named 8p10610.txt or 8p10610.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p10611.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p10610a.txt + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/8p10610.zip b/old/8p10610.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b04ce0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p10610.zip diff --git a/old/8p10610h.htm b/old/8p10610h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a3f137 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p10610h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2649 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" + http-equiv="Content-Type"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. 6.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9960] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on November 5, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 6 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +</pre> + +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="1" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center><small style="font-weight: bold;"> NEARLY READY.</small><br> + <br> + <b>ALASKA and its RESOURCES.</b><br> + <br> +By W. H. DALL,<br> + <br> +Director of the Scientific Corps of the Western Union Telegraph<br> +Expedition.<br> + <br> +Full Octavo, with nearly One Hundred Elegant Illustrations, engraved by<br> +the late JOHN ANDREW, from drawings by the Author. This volume contains<br> +not only the record of a THREE YEARS residence in Alaska--made under the<br> +most favorable circumstances for explorations--but a complete history of<br> +the country gathered from every available source. It is very full in<br> +details of Productions, Climate, Soil, Temperature, Language, the<br> +Manners and Customs of its peoples, etc., etc.; and is the most<br> +valuable, as well as the most authentic, addition to the history of<br> +Alaska. And is one of the most elegant books issued in America.<br> + <br> + <b>LEE & SHEPARD, Boston.</b><br> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY.</big></p> + <p>THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL,</p> + <p>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</p> + <p>Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,</p> + <p>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p>HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>STEEL PENS.</big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called +to the following grades, as being better suited for business +purposes than any Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b>Sole Agents for United +States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="0" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center><br> + <br> +[Illustration: Vol. 1. No. 6.] + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. I. No. 6.</h2> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SATURDAY, MAY 7, 1870.</p> + <br> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + <br> + <br> + <br> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><i>CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve +the paper for binding, will be sent, postpaid, on receipt +of One Dollar, by "Punchinello Publishing Company," +83 Nassau Street, New-York City.</i></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="1" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN</p> + <p><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></p> + <p>SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO</p> + <p>J. NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p>83 NASSAU STREET.</p> + </td> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"><big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">HERCULES</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">MUTUAL</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY</span></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE UNITED STATES</span><br> + <br> +No. 240 Broadway, New-York.<br> + <br> +POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE.<br> + <br> +All Policies<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Entitled to Participation +in Profits</span></big>.<br> + <br> +Dividends Declared Annually.<br> + <br> +JAMES D. REYMERT, President.<br> + <br> +ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary<br> + <br> +THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., Medical Examiner.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED.</span><br> + </td> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>Mercantile Library,</b></p> + <p>Clinton Hall, Astor Place</p> + <p>New-York.</p> + <p>This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the +number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About +1000 volumes are added each month; and very large purchases +are made of all new and popular works.</p> + <p>Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each +delivery.</p> + <p>TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:</p> + <p>TO CLERKS,</p> + <p>$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.</p> + <p>TO OTHERS, $5 a year.</p> + <p>SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR +SIX MONTHS.</p> + <p><b>BRANCH OFFICES</b></p> + <p>NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,</p> + <p>AND AT</p> + <p>Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>The Greatest Horse Book ever Published.</p> + <p>HIRAM WOODRUFF +on the <b>TROTTING HORSE OF AMERICA!</b></p> + <p><i>How to Train and Drive Him.</i></p> + <p>With Reminiscenses of the Trotting Turf. A handsome 12mo, +with a splendid steel-plate portrait of Hiram Woodruff. Price, +extra cloth, $2.25.</p> + <p>The New-York Tribune says: <i>"This is a Masterly Treatise +by the Master of his Profession</i>--the ripened product of +forty years' experience in Handling, Training, Riding, and +Driving the Trotting Horse. There is no book like it in any +language on the subject of which it treats."</p> + <p><b>Bonner</b> says in the <i>Ledger</i>, "It is a book for +which every +man who owns a horse ought to subscribe. The information +which it contains is worth ten times its cost." For sale by all +booksellers, or single copies sent postpaid on receipt of price.</p> + <p>Agents wanted.</p> + <p><b> J. B. FORD & CO,</b> +Printing-House Square, New-York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,</p> + <p>29 LIBERTY STREET,</p> + <p>New-York,</p> + <p>MANUFACTURERS OF THE</p> + <p><i>Finest Cigars made in the United States.</i></p> + <p>All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to +any responsible house. Also Importers of the</p> + <p><b>"FUSBOS" BRAND,</b></p> + <p>Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from +ten +to twenty per cent cheaper.</p> + <p>Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by +calling at</p> + <p><b>29 LIBERTY STREET</b></p> + </td> + <td align="center" rowspan="3"> + <h2>PUNCHINELLO.</h2> + <p><small>With a large and varied experience in the management +and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with +the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify +the undertaking, the</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.</b></p> + <p><small>OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,</small></p> + <p><small>Presents to the public for approval, the</small></p> + <p><b>NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL</b></p> + <p>WEEKLY PAPER,</p> + <p><big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b></big></big></p> + <p>The first number of which will be issued under date of April +2.<br> + </p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, +without +vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a +superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for +sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a +good +thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</p> + <p>Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive +ideas +or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are +always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.</p> + <p>Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage +stamps are inclosed.</p> + <p><b>TERMS:</b></p> + <p>One copy, per year, in advance $4.00</p> + <p>Single copies, ten cents.</p> + <p>A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten +cents.</p> + <p>One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other +magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5.50</p> + <p>One copy, with any magazine or paper, price $4, for 7.00</p> + <p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street</p> + <p>NEW-YORK</p> + <p>P.O. Box, 2783.</p> + <p><i>(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)</i></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p>AMERICAN</p> + <p><b>BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING,</b></p> + <p>AND</p> + <p><big>SEWING-MACHINE CO.,</big></p> + <p><b>563 Broadway, New-York.</b></p> + <p>This great combination machine is the last and greatest +improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to all +work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful</p> + <p>BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;</p> + <p>in all fabrics.</p> + <p>Machine, with finely finished</p> + <p>OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER</p> + <p>complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, +$60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to +manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the market. +Machines warranted, and full instruction given to purchasers.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center">Notice to Ladies.<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">DIBBLEE,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +Of 854 Broadway,<br> + <br> +Has just received a large assortment of all the latest styles of<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Chignons, Chatelaines, etc.</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">FROM PARIS</span></small>,<br> + <br> +Comprising the following beautiful varieties:<br> + <br> +La Coquette, La Plenitude, <br> +Le Bouquet,<br> +La Sirene, L'Imperatrice, etc.,<br> + <br> +At prices varying from $2 upward.</td> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p><b>HENRY SPEAR</b></p> + <p>STATIONER, PRINTER</p> + <p>AND</p> + <p><b>BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.</b></p> + <p>ACCOUNT BOOKS</p> + <p>MADE TO ORDER.</p> + <p><b>PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.</b></p> + <p>82 Wall Street,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>WEVILL & HAMMAR,</p> + <p><b>Wood Engravers,</b></p> + <p>No. 208 BROADWAY,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<table align="center" width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td>[Illustration: YE YONGE MANNE OF MANHATTAN.<br> + <br> +Ye Yonge Manne is born, and his parents hasten with him to ye abode of<br> +ye BROWN, praying that he may be christened among ye upper tenne.<br> + <br> +And when ye Yonge Manne takes a daughter of ye upper tenne to wife, ye<br> +BROWN sees that he is married in ye BROWN his church.<br> + <br> +Ye BROWN demands if ye parents put in their coal in ye Summer time; and,<br> +being told that they do, he has ye Yonge Manne christened in his church,<br> +and when he grows up ye BROWN introduces him into Society.<br> + <br> +And when ye Yonge Manne he dies, ye BROWN arranges with all ye gardeners<br> +and black-goods men. And so, ye Yonge Manne, he is done entirely BROWN.]<br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<hr style="width: 45%;"> +<table align="center" width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">THE BACHELOR'S MOVING-DAY.</span><br> + <br> + AHA!<br> + A mere half-hour's bother!<br> + Suppose I were a father--<br> +A luckless wight, called "Pa"!<br> + <br> + I'd say,<br> + "Now curse the restless rover<br> + That first (despising clover!)<br> +Invented Moving-day!"<br> + <br> + O yes!<br> + Especially, if moving<br> + Was likely to be proving<br> +(As usual) a mess!<br> + <br> + Why, look!<br> + You've got no end of articles.<br> + Sure to be smashed to particles,<br> +Or "snaked off" with a "hook"!<br> + <br> + You've got<br> + Chairs, bedsteads, tables, crockery--<br> + (Recital seems a mockery!)<br> +You've got--what have you not?<br> + <br> + What's worse,<br> + Your things won't fit new places,<br> + Your wife won't like new faces--<br> +Your very maid will curse!<br> + <br> + Your hat<br> + And other things <i>do</i> fall so!<br> + And children they <i>do</i> bawl so!<br> +Good heavens! think of that,<br> + <br> + And think<br> + Of possible colds and fevers--<br> + Cartmen that prove deceivers--<br> +Nothing to eat or drink!<br> + <br> + Small bliss<br> + For bachelors so lonely---.<br> + Tired of one thing only:<br> +But they escape all this!<br> + <br> + And pray,<br> + What man with sons and daughters<br> + Don't sigh for bachelor quarters<br> +About the First of May?<br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table align="center" width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td><small>Printed, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of +the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of +New York.<br> + <br> + </small> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">THE DELIGHTS OF DOUGHERTY.</span><br> + <br> + <p>At the Banquet of the Army of the Potomac in Philadelphia, Mr. +DANIEL +DOUGHERTY made one of the most extraordinary speeches on record, if we +except certain forensic efforts of Mr. PUNCHINELLO delivered during the +earlier stages of his career from his box. Mr. DOUGHERTY is a Soarer, +and a Spreader, and a Screamer. Speaking metaphorically, be goes +higher, +measures more from the tip of one wing to the other, and is more +suggestive of the warbling of a locomotive in his speech than any other +Eagle in Philadelphia, which is saying a great deal. DANIEL is a Giant +of Rhetoric, and would remind us of the Big Gentleman from Cardiff, +only +that mysterious personage is too heavy to Soar; for which reason he +usually occupies the ground floor, which Mr. DOUGHERTY does not do by +any manner of means.</p> + <p>It was this extraordinary capacity of Mr. DOUGHERTY for +Soaring which +caused him to be called upon by the Army of the Potomac for a speech. +The great D. begins by declaring that he would rather speak for his +country than for Pennsylvania, which, considering that he also declared +that he came "as a modest spectator," does not strike us as the depth +of +humility. However, "my bosom," said Mr. D., "is not confined to any +locality;" and we believe that Mr. PECKSNIFF said something like this +of +his own frontal linen. Yet, we should like to know what Mr. DOUGHERTY +does for a chest when his own has gone upon its extensive journeys; +something temporary is done, we suppose, with a pad. But the Bosom was +at the Banquet, and the proprietor was there to thump it, until it must +have sounded and reverberated; and if Mr. DOUGHERTY had also thumped +his +head, there would have been equal evidence of hollowness within. "May +my +tongue never prove a traitor!" cried the orator. Mr. PUNCHINELLO +hastens +to reassure him. The tongue is well enough, and is likely to be. It's +something a little higher up that is likely to give out.</p> + <p>If the applause of the brave men before him was what Mr. +DOUGHERTY +wanted, (besides his dinner,) then of applause he got the Stomach under +his Bosom full. The speech was received, according to the reporters, +with a roaring which has not been equalled since the Lions in the Den +roared at the other DANIEL, until they found that the good man was +neither to be roared or sneezed at with impunity. The cheering was +"tremendous." The cheering was "terrific." The cheering was +"prolonged." +And there stood "the Bosom not confined to any locality," but just then +swelling, and expanding, and dilating--shall we for once be fine, and +say like an Ocean Billow? Voices which shouted at Gettysburg now hailed +Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY as a Conquering Hero--the conqueror of their cars! +Once in a while there was "great laughter" when Mr. D.D. hadn't said +any +thing specially funny--that is, if Mr. PUNCHINELLO is a judge of fun; +and if he isn't, who in all the world is? There are two kinds of +laughter--the laughing at and the laughing with; and we have known +"tremendous" and even "vociferous" applause to be very suspicious.</p> + <p>It must be a source of calm satisfaction to General GRANT to +know that +he is considered the "great and glorious GRANT" by Mr. DANIEL +DOUGHERTY; +although DANIEL once considered Mr. BUCHANAN, poor man! to be equally +"great and glorious." So DANIEL also considers SHERMAN to be +"immortal," +and SHERIDAN "unconquerable," and MEADE "glorious." Adjectives are +cheap, you know; and D.D., Esq., has evidently a great stock of them in +his Wandering Bosom. Only, great soldiers, who know the precise value +of +Mr. DOUGHERTY'S military opinions, might not care to have them laid on +too thickly.</p> + <p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO has written to Mr. DOUGHERTY'S Family Doctor +to inquire +into the state of Mr. D's health after this tremendous effort, and he +sends us a bulletin that Mr. D. is "as well as could be expected." We +do +not know what he means by this; it seems to us to lack scientific +precision. The point upon which we wished to be informed was, whether +Mr. D. did or did not break any thing--not the tumblers on the table, +for that we should expect; but any thing in the way of blood-vessels. +Not to put too fine a point upon it, How's the Bosom?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p><b>AMERICAN CUTLERY IN FRANCE.</b></p> + <p>The great pride, the <i>dulce decus</i> of Americans, has +long been in their +pocket hardware, and the skill with which they use it. But we must +henceforth look to our laurels. France is competing alarmingly with us +in the use of the revolver. They were always a revolutionary people, +were the French, and revolving seems, therefore, to suit their temper +to +a T, (Gunpowder T, of course.) Since the slaying of NOIR by BONAPARTE, +the affectation of readiness with the pistol has become quite the thing +in Paris. New-York and Paris will soon be exactly alike in the bullet +business--especially Paris. PAUL DE CASSAGNAC, it seems, has been +invited by some anonymous person to meet him at a certain hour in front +of the <i>mairie</i> of the Seventeenth <i>arrondissement</i>, for +the purpose of +having his brains removed with a revolver. PAUL declined to go, +however. +The <i>Mairie</i> mentioned in the cartel was not the one for PAUL. +Probably +he would have gone to VIRGINIA, had he been invited to do so; but never +a MAIRIE for the faithful PAUL. And might have come by way of New-York, +where he would soon have grown so used to having his brains removed +with +a revolver that the process would have become a pleasure to him.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p><b>PHILADELVINGS.</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO cannot help liking Philadelphia, and always feels +a pang of +sympathy whenever any thing happens to that plain old city. One reason +for this is, (and he is not ashamed of the weakness,) that Philadelphia +likes PUNCHINELLO and takes, weekly, he would not be vain enough to say +how many hundred copies of his journal. And now Philamaclink, as her +natives love to call her, is afflicted with a terrible disease--a +fearful attack of chronic Legislature. Even when the active symptoms of +this dread malady have subsided, the effects linger, and the consequent +suffering is excruciating. One of the direst of the effects of the last +attack is a dreadful bill--not a bile--which has caused a utilization +sewage company to appear upon her body corporate. It is almost +impossible for sister cities to understand the torments of such an +affliction. Nobody can now clear away their own dirt--Councils, Board +of +Health, or any body else. If rooms are swept, the sewage company must +take up the dust; if a pig-pen or a stable needs cleaning, the company +must do it; if the lady of a house throws the slops out of her +breakfast +cups, the company must carry them away; if a man knocks the ashes from +his cigar, he must save them for the company; if, anywhere in the city, +a foul word is spoken, the company must have the benefit of it. Even +the +birds in the squares must not cleanse their nests without a printed +permit from the company. If a bedstead is cleaned, the company must +have +the bugs. Only one dirty thing is safe from this all-powerful +corporation, and that is the legisiative delegation from the city. If +the refuse matter were taken from that, there would be nothing left. It +has been proposed that the Legislature itself should be purified; but +this idea is Utopian, PUNCHINELLO fears. If Niagara were squirted +through its halls, the water would be dirtied, but the halls would not +be cleansed. Alas, poor city! Trampled under the heels of the +aristocratic HONG and PENNY BUNN, what is there to hope for it?</p> + <p>But all has not been told. There are about eight hundred +thousand +inhabitants in the place. Some twenty thousand of these owe small sums +for unpaid taxes, averaging about nine and a quarter cents to a man. To +collect these sums, an army of seventy-two thousand able-bodied men, at +salaries of one thousand dollars per annum, has been commissioned by +the +PENNY BUNN Legislature.</p> + <p>Alas, poor city! But all has not been told. A private firm has +prevailed +upon the imbecile old farmers from the western and interior counties to +give them the right to build a private freight railroad through many of +the principal streets of the Quaker City. This road will run through +several school-house yards, and the time-tables are to be so arranged +that trains shall always be due at those points at recess time. Every +fiftieth private house along the lines is to have a road-station and +freight-depot in its front-parlor, and all male residents on said +routes +are to serve in turn, without pay, as brakesmen and switch-tenders. The +owners of all vehicles injured by the trains are to be heavily fined, +and the families of individuals allowing themselves to be killed are to +be mulcted in heavy damages.</p> + <p>Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. A counterfeit +tax-bill +has been passed by the Legislature. All the sums handed in to the State +Treasury by the tax collectors have been found to be "bogus" money. +This +action has been indorsed by the Legislature, and the action of that +body +is hereafter to be of the same character as the funds paid in by its +creatures.</p> + <p>Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. Colonel FORNEY +intends +resuming his "Occasional" letters in the <i>Press!</i></p> + <p>Enough! Humanity can bear no more.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p><b>Query by a Constitutional Student.</b></p> + <p>When the Governor or President V-toes a bill, is he supposed +to put +his foot on it?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + <p>SPECTACLES are proverbially fit for old eyes. Probably that is +the +reason why the spectacle of the <i>Twelve Temptations</i> is so dear +to the +aged eyes of the gray-haired old gentlemen who occupy the front seats +at +the Grand Opera House. It is certainly a brilliant spectacle, though, +like the ideal scene to which Mrs. NICKLEBY's eccentric and vegetarian +lover once referred, it consists principally of "gas and gaiters." Not +that it is exclusively an Old Folks' entertainment; for, as the critics +say of portentously dull juvenile books, "it will be found as +interesting to the young as to the old." Though the dullest of dramas, +it is so brightened by brilliant legs that it dazzles every beholder. +Why, then, should the stern advocate of the legitimate drama refuse to +acknowledge that the <i>Twelve Temptations</i> has its redeeming legs? +How +runs the ancient proverb, "Singed milk is better than it looks;" or +that +equally ancient philosophical maxim, "There is no use in crying over +spilt cats"? The stupid story of ULRIC'S folly is made more attractive +than one would suppose that it could be, and we need not weep over the +fact that it is a spectacle, and not a SHAKESPEAREAN tragedy.</p> + <p>The bold explorers who have reached the remote Opera House, +fought their way past the misanthropic door-keeper, and gained their +seats, are first reduced to a state of mental chaos by the performance +of a maddening overture, and are then fitted to appreciate the play, +which proceeds after the following pattern:</p> + <p><i>Act 1. Curtain rises upon a score of Unintelligible Demons</i>, +who sing +this impressive chorus:</p> + <p> "Oh! um um um um<br> + For um um um um<br> + And um um um um<br> + To um um um um." </p> + <p><i>Exeunt Demons. Enter</i> RUDOLPH THE TEMPTER. <i>He +remarks to the +surrounding scenery</i>--"ULLERIC'S soul must be mine, or else the dark +abodes of torment await me. I will tempt him. Great Master, appear."</p> + <p><i>The Great Master--a major-general of fiends--appears, and, +approving +of</i> RUDOLPH'S <i>virtuous resolve, they descend to--well, they +descend +below the Erie Building, to drink to his success. Scene changes to</i> +ULRIC'S <i>home. Enter</i> ULRIC <i>and family, including Aged +Mother, Virtuous +Heroine, Hated Rival, and Demoniac Servant.</i></p> + <p>ULRIC. "Motherr, this slife is intollerrabble; I will do any +thing to +escape frrrom it."</p> + <p><i>Enter</i> RUDOLPH <i>and Unintelligible Demons +(disguised.) They sing as +before.</i></p> + <p> "Oh! um um um um," etc.</p> + <p>ULRIC. "The song says terruly. I will go with you, though you +were the +fiend himself."</p> + <p><i>Consternation on the part of every one. Demoniac Servant +remarks, "Ha! +ha!"</i> ULRIC <i>and the Demons sink through the floor. Scene changes +to the +Studio of Eblis.</i></p> + <p>RUDOLPH. "Take this collar. Behold these stripes painted upon +it. +Whatever you wish you shall have at the price of five years of your +life. A stripe will vanish each time your wish is gratified. (<i>Aside.</i>) +The stripes are only cloth, you know, and you can pull 'em off when +your +back is turned to the audience. Is it a bargain?"</p> + <p>ULRIC. "It 'er is." (<i>Malignant crash from the orchestra.</i>)</p> + <p>RUDOLPH. "ULLERIC, 'tis well. Now thou shall behold our +sports."</p> + <p><i>Enter ballet girls, dressed in red gaiters and torches. +They dance the +Demon Cancan, waving their torches and scattering the flames. Old +Gentleman, in the front row hears such charming little asides as, "Drat +you,</i> MARY SMITH, <i>you've burnt my hand." "I'll slap your face, +Miss, if +you step on my foot again." "O</i> NELLY! <i>my hair's a-coming down."</i></p> + <p>Curtain finally falls upon a blaze of light and a bewildering +wealth of +legs.</p> + <p><i>Old Gentleman, in front row.</i> "Well, he! he! that's pretty +good; he! he! +Devilish pretty girls some of 'em; he! he!"</p> + <p><i>Virtuous Matron.</i> "My dear, isn't it shameful. I never +saw any thing so +disgusting."</p> + <p><i>Sceptical Husband.</i> "Then perhaps we'd better go at +once."</p> + <p><i>Virtuous Matron.</i> "N--no. I'll sit through one more act, +and see if it +gets any worse."</p> + <p><i>Fast Young Man.</i> "They're all padded, you know. You +can't feel sure +about one of 'em. There were gals in the <i>Crook</i> who used to pad +their's +from here to here"--(<i>adds explanatory pantomime.</i>)</p> + <p><i>Travelled Man, who has been to Paris.</i> "These girls +can't dance, I +assure you. Now, at the Châtelet they do these things +differently."</p> + <p><i>Admiring Friend to Travelled Man.</i> "What spectacles did +you see at the +Châtelet?"</p> + <p><i>Travelled Man,</i> (who was in Paris only two days, and +never saw even the +outside of the theatre.) "It was--let me see--Oh! <i>Moses in Egypt</i> +was +the name of the piece. It was gorgeous; full of Egyptian scenery, and +Egyptian dancing girls and things."</p> + <p><i>Admiring Friend, (with aggravating persistence.)</i> "Do +you mean +Rossini's <i>Moses</i>?"</p> + <p><i>Travelled Man, (quite desperate.)</i> "Of course! He's the +rival of +OFFENBACH, you know. But come, let's go and take something."</p> + <p>(<i>They go, the faith of the Admiring Friend in the Travelled +Man's +veracity being, however, perceptibly shaken.</i>)</p> + <p>Three more acts follow. ULRIC makes a dozen wishes, all of +which are +gratified, and all of which have the inevitable effect of transporting +him into scenes pervaded by the female leg to an extent that easily +reconciles him to the successive loss of five years of his life. He +finally becomes King of Egypt, and, after having fought against the +Crusaders in defence of those well-known Mohammedan gods, ISIS and +OSIRIS, is carried down a trap by exulting demons. An Intolerable Comic +Man opens up hitherto unknown wastes of dreariness, and sings a comic +song that is positively more tedious than an article from the <i>Nation</i>. +The Demoniac Servant is continually shot up through spring traps, in +order to remark, "Ha! ha!" and to immediately disappear again. The Aged +Mother travels from Flanders to Egypt without changing her dress or +combing her back hair, for the vain purpose of begging "ULLERIC" to +repent. Consumptive Knights fight terrific broad-sword duels with a +thirst for combat that beer alone is subsequently able to allay. The +Virtuous HEROINE displays a very neat pair of ankles, but without +winning "ULLERIC" from the devil of his ways. Half a dozen ballets are +successively introduced, in which the skirts of the dancers are seen to +decrease as rapidly and steadily as the stripes on ULRIC'S magic +collar. +Finally, a grand Transformation Scene, which has nothing whatever to do +with the play, exhibits the best legs of the company in the most +favorable attitudes, and the green baize curtain falls upon the great +spectacle of the day.</p> + <p><i>Virtuous Matron.</i> "Well, I never! It's positively +indecent. I'd like to +take a whip to those shameless hussies."</p> + <p><i>Sceptical Husband.</i> "PAGE offered me a proscenium box +the other day. +Suppose we take it to-morrow night?"</p> + <p><i>Virtuous Matron.</i> "I'll go to please you, my dear. And +really the +scenery is pretty."</p> + <p><i>Wretched Man, who is shameless enough to admit that he +likes it.</i> "I +like it. The ballet's good, the scenery is splendid, and the music +might +be worse. Why don't these ladies, who come here and sit it through, +have +the honesty to admit that they come because they like it? But no; they +go away, and at the next party, where they wear dresses lower in the +neck than any I've seen on the stage to night, they'll abuse the poor +girls who have danced here for their amusement. Their malignant modesty +does not deserve the respect of an intelligent <i>figurante</i>. If +they are +sincere, why do they come here?"</p> + <p>Which question still puzzles the perturbed mind of <i>MATADOR</i>.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Give 'em Rope.</p> + <p>We clip the following from the <i>Express</i>:</p> + <p>"There seem to be more legal loopholes for convicted murderers +to escape +through than for any other class of criminals."</p> + <p>That is too true, by a great deal. There should be but one +"legal +loophole" for a convicted murderer, and the authorities should not let +him escape through the loop of it--they should Knot.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p>[Illustration: A MOVING INCIDENT.</p> + <p><i>Pat, (to Bridget.)</i> "TAKE YOUR MASTHER'S TRUNK TO THE +RAILROAD, IS IT? +OCH! BOTHER--DON'T YOU SEE I'M MOVIN' A FAMILY?"]</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p><b>THE "TOBACCO PARLIAMENT" OF OHIO.</b></p> + <p>For genial law-making in America commend us to the Ohio House +of +Representatives. While we haven't learned that the legislation of this +august body has been particularly hazy of late, we think it must have +been wholesome, for we are assured that much of it has been thoroughly +"fumigated" through the exertions of the majority of its members, who +perform their functions with pipes in their mouths, while drawn up in +semi-circle around a couple of fire-places built expressly for their +accommodation--"one on each side of the speaker's desk," Who <i>wouldn't</i> +legislate, (and early, too,) if he could do it with his feet on the +fender, his well-flavored Havana or best Virginia leaf in his mouth, +and +the privilege of cracking jokes and telling naughty stories <i>ad +interim?</i> Go it, ye Buckeye lawmakers! Shall we hear of any sympathy +for +Cuba in that quarter?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A "Woman's Physic."</p> + <p>(MRS. C--N TO MRS. MCF--D.)</p> +"My Darling, I have found a panacea for all woes, In Man:<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;"><i>When one man will not suit +or stay,</i></span><i><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">Then get another, right away."</span></i><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p><b>CABLE NEWS.</b></p> + <p>[EXCLUSIVELY FOR PUNCHINELLO.]</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">GREAT BRITAIN.</p> + <p>The Great PUNCHINELLO dinner has come off! JENKINS was there, +and was to +have telegraphed an account. But he was not so well as usual the next +day, the Thames water having got into his head. JENKINS never <i>could</i> +take much water. So your correspondent is obliged to trust to his +memory--unaffected by the water, which he did not take.</p> + <p>Old London Tavern was the scene of this banquet, given by the <i>literati</i> +of England in honor of the long-wished-for coming of PUNCHINELLO. The +dining-hall was decorated for the occasion with appropriate portraits. +There were HOGARTH, CERVANTES, ADDISON, MOLIÈRE, SWIFT, STERNE, +GOLDSMITH, TOM HOOD, IRVING, THACKERAY, DICKENS, and ARTEMUS WARD. A +number of the waiters were costumed in character. From my seat, I +recognized SAM WELLER, (right behind me;) the Fat Boy of <i>Pickwick;</i> +SANCHO PANZA, and JEAMES YELLOWPLUSH.</p> + <p>Mr. PUNCH was represented at the head of the table so well +that you +could know him at once from his weekly frontispiece. On one side of him +sat CHARLES DICKENS; on the other, your humble ambassador. It would be +rather invidious to name the other hundred guests; not to be there was +to be nowhere in literature. Near me there sat Lord LYTTON, TOM HUGHES, +PRÉVOST PARADOL, EDMOND ABOUT, CHARLES KINGSLEY, PAUL +FÉVAL, and the +Rev. JOHN CUMMING.</p> + <p>Asking, in a whisper, of Mr. PUNCH how the latter very staid +individual +came to be there, I understood that, of all the absurd men of this +century, he was selected as the most representatively preposterous. The +PRINCE OF WALES was not asked, lest his morals might be hurt by +something that was said. And it is so important, you know, for the +British nation--(for the rest, see the <i>Saturday Review</i>.) And +then +Madame GEORGE SAND was to be there, who sometimes wears trowsers.</p> + <p>MATTHEW ARNOLD was spoken to about it; but he replied gruffly,</p> + <p>"PUNCHINELLO is Goliath of the Philistines!" and declined.</p> + <p>JOHN STUART MILL was too busy over his next book, which is to +be "On the +Subjection of Horses." But every body else was there, so we did not +miss +these grave and reverend seigniors.</p> + <p>How the twenty-five courses came on and went off, from the +ox-tail soup +and salmon to the dessert, it would need the tongue or pen of SOYER or +PIERRE BLOT to narrate; as it needed the capacity of a FALSTAFF to do +justice to them. And then, when the cover was removed, came the time of +trial to your correspondent. "The Queen" and "the President" were drunk +with all the honors. Then Mr. PUNCH called out, through his magnificent +old nose, so that you might have heard him across the Channel, "Health +and long life to PUNCHINELLO!"</p> + <p>Now, your correspondent had remembered Mr. HAWTHORNE'S +experience at a +Lord Mayor's dinner, and had begged Mr. PUNCH by all means to let him +off without a speech. But, more worldly-wise than HAWTHORNE, he didn't +believe that Mr. PUNCH would keep his promise; so he had prepared a +speech, beginning, "Not anticipating any occasion to open my lips in +this illustrious company, you must allow me to speak altogether on the +impulse of the moment." (Hear, hear.) So this had to be delivered; but +for the rest of it, and of the dinner, you must wait for my next +telegram. Mr. PUNCH is going to have the speech published in pamphlet +form, for distribution among his numerous constituents. So, now for the +rest of my <i>news</i>.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">FRANCE.</p> + <p>The PRINCE OF MONACO has declared war against France. OLLIVIER +proposes +to send the PRINCE IMPERIAL to extinguish him with a corps of infantry, +armed with popguns; no one to be admitted to the corps who is more than +four years old. MONACO aspires to be a sort of LOPEZ.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TURKEY.</p> + <p>Sultan ABDUL AZIZ has just had a visit from a friend of JOHN +BRIGHT'S. +To the surprise of every body, even his most intimate friends, the +Sultan immediately made up his mind to turn Quaker! He came down +stairs, +and went into mosque, the other day, with a broad-brimmed hat, straight +coat, and drab trowsers; and insisted on all the ladies of his <i>hareem</i> +putting on plain bonnets, and holding a "silent meeting" in the +Seraglio! How it bothered them to do that last thing you may well +suppose! More anon, from PRIME.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p><b>A Bit of Fish.</b></p> + <p>SECRETARY FISH is said to preserve a decidedly spruce +appearance +at the State Dinners. Fish is nothing if not Fin-ical.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">FISH SAUCE.</p> + <p>The sight of a thick, four-pound steak, just cut from a +halibut that +must have weighed, (the idea of a fish wading!) some two hundred +pounds, +reminds us that trout-fishing is just now in full operation. What a +strange, weird mystery there is about mental associations! Long, long +ago, we possessed a favorite trout-rod fitted with a Hollow Butt, and +so +it is that whenever we see a Halibut, trouting comes to our mind.</p> + <p>Yesterday, frogs were croaking, and insects all in green +livery, with +gilt buttons, contributed to Nature's Great Boston Jubilee of music +with +their hum. How ridiculous it seems that insects should have a hum!--and +yet the Bee has its Hum in its hive.</p> + <p>It is at this season that enthusiastic anglers always get +water on the +brain. Their dreams are of gurgling brooks. They have visions of +mill-ponds, with beautiful little cascades sluicing into them over +dams. +They stand, in imagination, on bridges, in the eddies beneath which +they +discern the wagging of silvery tails and rosy fins; and a very common +form of nightmare with them is to fancy that the reel of the +fishing-rod +won't work, just as they are going to wind up a four-pound trout.</p> + <p>Now, also, is the time when friend gives much advice to friend +on +the subject of the "gentle art." (A trout's opinion on this branch of +art, by the by, would be worth having. Perhaps he might not consider it +so gentle.)</p> + <p>One student of the angle will say to another, "Always fish up +the +stream. Fish lie with their heads to the current and their tails in the +opposite direction: therefore, by casting up-stream, you run the less +chance of being seen by them."</p> + <p>Another says, "Be sure you make your casts down-stream; your +bob-flies +like it better, as you can see by the way they dance on the ripples."</p> + <p>Quoth another, "Always soak your casting-lines with water +before you +start for the river-side;" while a fourth instructs you never to +straighten your lines with water, but by passing them through a piece +of +India rubber doubled between the finger and thumb.</p> + <p><i>Our</i> advice is, Never cast against the wind. In fact, +you can't do it; +and if you try it, you run the risk of getting <i>strabismus</i>--that +is, +the Cast in your eye. Artificial flies, like artificial flowers, never +should follow nature. Manufacturers of both articles perfectly +understand this; and hence the superiority of their productions to the +mere realities that flutter and bloom for their brief hour, and then +die. There is nothing in entomology so beautiful as a well-busked trout +or salmon fly. And then it is comparatively indestructible. Take a +natural May Fly and squeeze it in your hand. It is reduced to a pulp. +Try the same experiment with an artificial one, and its plumage remains +unruffled--which is more than you do, since the chance is that you will +have to employ a surgeon to extract the hook from the ball of your +thumb.</p> + <p>[Illustration: "SHOO! FLY."]</p> + <p>We are assured by a broker, who, in Spring-time, always +becomes a +brooker, that by far the surest lure for a large trout is the Greenback +Fly. He is acquainted with a man who, whenever he goes a-fishing, +always +has a four-pound trout to pack in ice and send up to a friend in the +city. By post, a letter is dispatched to the same quarter, containing a +warm description of the playing and landing of that noble fish. The +sender usually states that he captured it with the famous fly known to +anglers as the Green Drake. Facts are against him, though; and it is +well understood by his friends that the fish was first taken by some +poaching rascal with a scoop-net, and subsequently hooked by the angler +with a five-dollar Greenback Fly.</p> + <p>Nothing in life is more beautiful than a five-dollar Greenback +Fly--except, of course, a ten-dollar one, or one of indefinitely larger +denomination.</p> + <p>Provided with this most charming and effective of lures, the +angler is +always sure to fill his creel. He incurs no fatigue in doing so, +either, for all the boys of the village become his humble servants to +command; and if there be a four-pound trout in the miller's pond, he is +sure to hook it with the Greenback Fly, while the boys generally "hook +it" also, lest the miller should catch them at their tricks.</p> + <p><i>How to make the Greenback Fly</i>--Give it to your wife. +Much has been +said concerning the efficacy of the Water Fly as a lure. For our own +part, we have not tried it. We know rather less about it than we do +about the Water Cure; but we cheerfully print the following directions +on the subject, taken from the fly-leaf of an old book.</p> + <p><i>How to make the Water Fly</i>: Fall into it.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HALL AND HAYES.</b></p> + <p>The friends of Dr. HAYKS and those of Captain HALL are engaged +in a +heated discussion as to which of the two ought to be sent by Congress +in +search of the North Pole. As the public does not know who is right and +who is wrong, we present our readers with the arguments of each party; +so that they can decide which explorer is the man for the post--we +should say, pole.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">WHAT THE HAYES PARTY SAYS.</p> + <p>1. The Pole being surrounded by water, must be reached by +boats. HAYES +is a sailor and HALL is not. Therefore HAYES is the man to sail to the +Pole.</p> + <p>2. HAYES is a Bostonian; HALL is a Western man. Bostonians are +famed for +their skill in prying into every thing; while Western men stupidly mind +their own business. Therefore HAYES is naturally fitted to become an +explorer.</p> + <p>3. HALL spent his time while in the Arctic Region in the +society of +Esquimaux. HAYES attended to his ship, and lived on pork and beef +like a Christian. Therefore HAYES is the better man.</p> + <p>4. HAYES understands the use of instruments, and can take +observations +of the temperature of hot springs, if any are found. HALL knows nothing +about instruments, and could not tell the time by a barometer if his +life depended upon it. Therefore HAYES should be the Congressional +favorite.</p> + <p>5. HALL is hot-tempered and once killed one of his crew. HAYES +is a cool +man and never killed any body, except as a medical practitioner. Cool +men are at home in the Arctic Region. Therefore send HAYES.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">WHAT THE HALL PARTY SAYS.</p> + <p>1. If the Pole is surrounded by water, it must be a visible +point of +land. HALL is a landsman, and therefore the proper man to send in +search +of land. To send a sailor like HAYES in quest of land would be absurd. +Therefore HALL is the right man.</p> + <p>2. HALL is a steady, hardworking, energetic Western man. HAYES +is a +meddling Yankee. Of course HALL is the better man for carrying out a +difficult enterprise.</p> + <p>3. HALL has lived in the Arctic land as the Arctic people do; +while +HAYES knows nothing of the people of that region. Therefore HALL is by +far the best man to send.</p> + <p>4. HAYES can have no use for his instruments in a place where +there is +nothing but ice. HAYES would, therefore, only add to the cost of the +expedition. HALL can take all necessary observations with his +eyes, which +cost Congress nothing and are easily carried. Therefore HALL is by all +odds the man for the expedition.</p> + <p>5. If HALL is hot-tempered, so much the better. He will keep +warm with +less consumption of fuel. That he killed a mutineer is proof of his +resolute adherence to discipline. HAYES would never enforce discipline +if he dared to inflict no more punishment for mutiny than a draught of +Epsom salts. Therefore HALL is plainly the man to command an exploring +party.</p> + <p>Here we have the arguments which both sides advance, and our +readers can +easily make up their minds. As for ourselves, the true course for +Congress to pursue seems so plainly evident that if we were asked which +is the best man, the Doctor or the Captain, we should unhesitatingly +answer in the negative.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p>[Illustration: CINCINNATUS SWEENY.]</p> + <br> + <p>CINCINNATUS SWEENY</p> + <p>(Adapted from AUTHOR'S Classical Dictionary, p. 351.)</p> + <p>"CINCINNATUS had retired to his patrimony, aloof from popular +tumults. +The successes of the Equi, (young Democracy,) however, rendered the +appointment of a Dictator necessary, and CINCINNATUS was chosen to that +high office. He laid aside his rural habiliments, assumed the ensigns +of +absolute power, levied a new army, marched all night to bring the +necessary succor to the Consul MINCIUS, (W. M. TWEED,) who was +surrounded by the enemy and blockaded in his camp, (Albany,) and before +morning surrounded the enemy's army, and reduced it to a condition +exactly similar to that in which the Romans had been placed. The +baffled +Equi were glad to submit to the victor's terms, and CINCINNATUS, +returning in, triumph to Rome, (New-York,) laid down his dictatorial +power after having held it only fourteen days, and returned to his +farm" +(Central Park.)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SPRING FEVER,</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">In such a joyous way?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If it were as you say,</span><br> +Wouldn't <i>I</i> know it, who know every thing!<br> + <br> +"Ethereal mildness!" Pshaw! what nonsense, man!<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Pooh! "Gentle spring," indeed!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">It makes my liver bleed</span><br> +To hear you talk as only idiots can.<br> + <br> +But you're no idiot, THOMSON; <i>that</i> I'll say!<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'll yield another bit:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'm ready to admit</span><br> +The Seasons may have altered since your day.<br> + <br> +At any rate, JAMES, in the windy West<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Which wasn't in your eye--</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">At least, not frequently)</span><br> +Your boasted Spring is <i>not</i> a gentle guest.<br> + <br> +My patience, no! She's the reverse of that!<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ah! hear her savage roar;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">(So often heard before!)</span><br> +And there (confound it!) goes my new Spring hat.<br> + <br> +Alas! what means this stupid somnolence?<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Why do my pulses go</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So "melancholy slow"?</span><br> +Why can't I think? why always "on the fence"?<br> + <br> +O dews and fogs! O rain and snow and slush!<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O various other things!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">My soul! what need of wings:</span><br> +Yes, "Spring's delights" are coming with a rush!<br> + <br> +But stay, friend THOMSON--what you say is true:<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Here <i>is</i> a nice warm day!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The breezes softly play--</span><br> +Then why, oh! <i>why</i> then, do I feel so blue?<br> + <br> +One "would not die in Spring-time," certainly--<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nor any other season,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For the same reason--</span><br> +But if one can't eat dinner, why <i>not</i> die?<br> + <br> +Is there no panacea for such ills?<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh! yes, a jolly one:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I find it in the dun!</span><br> +In landlords', butchers', grocers', tailors' bills!<br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>The Difference.</b></p> + <p>GOLDEN calves were worshipped by men of old. Modern men prefer +to +worship saw-dust calves.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <b>Dramatic Query.</b> + <p>Is Canada to be the Theatre of a Fenian War? It seems that the +Canadian +Volunteers think so; and, to do justice to the performance, they have +taken possession of the whole Front-tier.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Original Bow.</b></p> + <p>The EL-bow.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p>[Illustration: THE SICK EAGLE.</p> + <p>COLUMBIA. "DO LET THE POOR BIRD OUT, MR. B.; HE DROOPS SADLY."</p> + <p>Mr. BOOTWELL. "REALLY I DON'T SEE ANY THING THE MATTER WITH +HIM, MA'AM. +HIS CAGE IS ALL GOLD, AND HE SURELY OUGHT TO BE CONTENTED."]</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN EXCELLENT OLD SONG MADE NEW.</b></p> + <p>BY A DEFAULTER.</p> +Is there for his dishonesty<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Who hangs his head, and a' that?</span><br> +The coward slave, we pass him by,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And dare to steal for a' that.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For a' that and a' that,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Our grabs and games, and a' +that,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Our business is to make a pile</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And swindle SAM, and a' that.</span><br> + <br> +What though the people curse and swear<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">At losing gold, and a' that?</span><br> +Their fiercest wrath we'll proudly bear,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And cash is cash for a' that.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For a' that and a' that,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Their lawyers, courts, and a' +that.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The lucky rogue who wins his pile</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Is king of men for a' that.</span><br> + <br> +The President knows how to beat<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">In battle, siege, and a' that;</span><br> +But we're the lads for swift retreat,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Although he growl, and a' that.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For a' that and a' that,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Our bonds and oaths and a' that,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A bouncing swag's the better +thing</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">For gentlemen, and a' that.</span><br> + <br> +Then let us pray that come it may,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">As come it shall for a' that,</span><br> +That plundering gents may keep the sway,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And help themselves, and a' +that.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For a' that and a' that.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">Leg bail's the thing, and a' +that;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For travelling improves the +mind,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">The body saves, and a' that.</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE THIRTEENTH MAN IN THE OMNIBUS</b>.</p> + <p>The New-York omnibus was constructed to seat and carry twelve +persons; +certainly not more. Indeed, when twelve men, of nominal size, sit +squarely on the seats and do not clownishly cross their legs, one may +ride in an omnibus with comfort. Nay, with these conditions, he <i>may</i> +generally escape having his toes crushed, his shins kicked, his shoes +soiled, or his trowsers daubed with mud by his neighbor. But alas! how +often is this paradisiacal state disturbed by the intrusion of "the +thirteenth man in the omnibus."</p> + <p>Shall I attempt to portray the creature? He is pretty well +known, and +perhaps the picture will be recognized. Sometimes he may be seen +standing at the corner of the street lying in wait for the "bus." He is +never known to walk toward its starting-place, lest he might be +confounded with the "twelve" by getting inside before the seats are +filled. No; he is "nothing if not" odd. His very hat never sits +squarely +upon his head like the hat of a gentleman. It is either elevated in +front like a sophomore's, or depressed on one side, as if he had just +come from a cheap spree in the Bowery, or was troubled with some +obtrusive "bump" that kept his hat awry. If by chance he gets a seat +inside the omnibus, (as "accidents will happen," etc.,) he must cross +his legs and wipe the mud from his ill-shod feet upon your trowsers or +your wife's dress.</p> + <p>Indeed, methinks it was he who invented sitting cross-legged +in a public +vehicle. Do savages ever sit thus when in close company? I have never +been able to imagine what special human sin this ingenious mode of +annoyance was meant to punish. It has been suggested that it might be +the man's pantomimic protest against sitting at all. But the saddest +commentary upon this vice of our hero is, that by some mysterious +magnetism of awkwardness and ill-breeding, he has betrayed into +imitation of it men whose early education has been less neglected than +his own.</p> + <p>Sometimes, as he gets into the "'bus," he carries in his hand +or mouth +the stump of a half-burned, extinct cigar, which fills the atmosphere +with a rank and sickening odor. More frequently he is dressed in +well-worn black, and his clothes reek with noisome exhalations of stale +tobacco-smoke. Shall I finish his picture? I verily believe he is the +original Loafer.</p> + <p>Methinks I see him in my mind's eye. I am riding in a Broadway +ominibus. +I have just handed up my fare, and, taking my seat, have surrendered +myself to a sweet half-hour of reverie. I disdain to spoil my eyes or +waste my time by newspaper-reading. I dream, and save my time for +better +things, as I conceive.</p> + <p>The stage is full. "Twelve inside." The driver does not seem +to get +along. He is constantly stopping or turning his horses to the sidewalk, +right or left. You wonder what is the matter. You begin to think the +whole town is striving to get a ride down with you in that particular +"'bus." At every street-corner we linger or stop. Suddenly the door is +pulled open with a jerk and our enemy leaps in. He sees the seats are +filled, but he does not hesitate. There is always room for him. Indeed, +his "spirit rises with the occasion." He becomes pertinacious as he is +offensive. He tramples upon more than one pair of feet in his struggle +to reach the middle of the omnibus. The passengers patiently submit to +the intrusion with that quiet good nature with which Americans usually +suffer imposition invasive of good manners, or petty social rights. +They +seem to feel they can "stand it" if he can.</p> + <p>His mode of paying his fare evolves a climax of unconscious +impertinence. In order to have free use of one hand to pass up his +money, he grasps cane or umbrella with the other hand, by which he +holds +the pendent strap. By this means he loses control of the lower end of +his stick, which thereby becomes an automatic instrument of torture, +menacing your face and eyes in quite a savage way. Indeed, his apparent +unconsciousness that he is a nuisance, and ought to be kicked out, +really approaches the sublime.</p> + <p>He is a pet of the driver, of course. Some innocent people +wonder that +the drivers of omnibuses or cars should feel so very charitably +disposed +toward the human family in general, as to take up extra passengers when +all seats are filled. Short-sighted mortals! Do you not see it! The +more +passengers, beyond the complement of the "'bus," the more perquisites +for an ill-requited profession.</p> + <p>To return to our black sheep. Look where he stands. As he +grows weary, +he grasps the straps on either side to steady him. His attitude is a +cunningly devised mode of tormenting his fellow-passengers. Either +elbow +of our nondescript just reaches the hat of your opposite neighbor or +yourself. With each jolt of the stage, by a little dexterity of +movement, or want of it, he can knock the hats over the eyes of two +persons at a time, and by a little shifting of his position he can +frequently bring down four by a single spasmodic lunge. When he is +fresher, as in the morning, and can hold his own weight, he falls in +his +more natural posture. Would you know what that may be? Did you ever +observe one of the descendants of the Lost Tribes who inhabit Chatham +street dreamily waiting for a passing rustic? He is apparently in a +comatose state. His abdomen is drawn in; his body is bent like a +section +of a hoop; his eyes are cast down; while both his hands are thrust +deeply into his trowser's pockets.</p> + <p>But I grow weary of the subject, and stop by commending the +Thirteenth +Man in the Omnibus to curiosity-hunters as a fungus growth of humanity +nursed by over-virtuous forbearance.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Hyperborean</b>.</p> + <p>The hyperbole of bores it is, to bore Congress for a hundred +thousand +dollars to go to the Pole! If Captain HALL wants adventure, let him +travel to the Halls of the MONTEZUMAS. If he wishes only to be left out +in the cold, let him go to Chili; or else up in a balloon; or let him +make himself Republican candidate for something in New York. We believe +the North Pole would rather be let alone. The whole subject is, at all +events, too HAYES-y just now to be comprehended. There is a sort of +KANE-ine madness, which shows itself not in fear of water but in an +insane disposition to do big things on ice. Haul off, Captain HALL!<br> + <br> + </p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Meteorological Query</b>.</p> + <p>Is a temperance lecture synonymous with a Water Spout?<br> + <br> + </p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE SPIRIT OF THE NAVY</b>.</p> + <p>ITS PORTER. ITS SAILS.</p> + <p><i>Impressions of an Outsider</i>.</p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: According to your instructions, your +correspondent +proceeded to Washington, and there interviewed our present efficient +Secretary of the Navy, Admiral PORTER. I found him in his office, +surrounded by bills-of-sale of main-tops, carronades, iron-clads, +bo'sen's whistles, navy-yards, and other naval articles, the proceeds +of +which were needed for the future experiments of the Department. These +papers were being bound up into bundles and stowed away by his +assistant, ROBESON.</p> + <p>After the ordinary greetings had passed between the admiral +and your +correspondent, the following conversation ensued:</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. Admiral, what do you think of the Fifteenth +Amendment?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. All right. When Americans want votes, I say, give +'em to 'em.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>, (<i>A little apprehensively.</i>) Votes are +different from boats, then, +admiral?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Certainly. What do the negroes want with boats?</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. How are you satisfied, Mr. Secretary, with the +plan of always +providing you with a civilian as an assistant?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. I don't like it. Can't help it, though. This one, +however, +(<i>pointing his thumb over his shoulder at</i> ROBESON,) don't give me +much +trouble. Quiet man.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. What do you think of the condition of Cuba,</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Very nice indeed! Got Admiral POOR out there, +cruising around. +Just like a picnic, you know.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. Are you in favor of the recognition of Cuban +Independence?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. No, sir! What's the good? POOR might have to come +home, then.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. You think, then, that recognition would not be a +Poor policy?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Yes--no! No--yes! Doormat! You know what I mean.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>.(<i>quickly</i>.) Oh! yes. Certainly,sir! But what +is your opinion upon +the woman question?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Don't care a snap. Let 'em vote. Won't make a +difference 'board +ship.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. You think, then that women will never be sailors, +Admiral?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Nothing they could do. Except to trim the boats; +look out for the +mizen sheets or somethg o' that kind. Couldn't expect 'em, even in a +calm, to be brisk in manning the yards, much less martingales.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. What is your opinion, Admiral, of SHERIDAN'S work +among the +Piegans?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. (<i>laughing</i>). Neat job. How was that for Lo?</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. Good. Do you believe the Pope's infallible, +Admiral?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. The Pope's what?</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. Do you think that there is no such word as fail +with PIO Nono?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. No, no!</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. The Empress EUGENIE, Admiral, and Queen +VICTORIA--which do you +think is the prettiest of these women?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Never saw 'em swimmin'. Can't say.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. What is your opinion about McFARLAND? Was he +justifiable, think +you?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. No! Poor shot.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. Have you seen <i>Frou Frou</i>, Admiral?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Yes. In New-York.</p> + <p>Cor. How did you like it, sir?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Not much. Do for folks whose taste for that sort of +thing is DAILY +bred.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. What do you think of oar new City Charter?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Is it a ship?</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. Yes, sir. It is a sort of hardship for New-York.</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Well, the city must be used to that. Will take in +its ale pretty +much as usual, I reckon.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. What, sir, do you think of Chicago?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. Ah! go way.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. (<i>oblivious of hint</i>.) Where do you buy your +pantaloon stuff, Mr. +Secretary?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. (<i>sharply</i>.) Where the woodbine twineth.</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. Admiral, have you any children?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. (<i>loudly</i>.) ROBESON!</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. My dear sir, you surprise me! Is he your son?</p> + <p><i>Ad</i>. (<i>to assistant</i>.) ROBESON! Did you see MIKE +HAINES?</p> + <p><i>Cor</i>. One moment. Admiral! Let me ask of you, in which, +if any, of our +New-York companies is your life insured; and do you wear the patent +perforated buckskin?--</p> + <p>Here the interview terminated. Your correspondent suddenly +discovered +that he would have barely time to catch the N. Y. Express, and he took +leave with a renewed respect for the spirit of our Navy and its head.</p> + <p>SNIQUE.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p>[Illustration: COME, GENTLE SPRING.</p> + <p>SPRING has come. Now is the time to ask your friends for seed +and roots, +and to tell somebody they ought to see about the garden. Turn your +chickens into your neighbors' grounds, and the cow too, if you think +she +would like to go there. Now also is the time for house-cleaning, as +well +as for settling up one's affairs generally; so, after you have called +in +all the money due you, and paid out as little as possible, perhaps you +had better go out West for a week or so.]</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The sort of Liquor most apt to Tell +upon a Man.</p> + <p>PEACH Brandy.<br> + <br> + </p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Opinions of the Press.</p> + <p>The <i>Sun</i> thinks that the World's end would be a +god-send.</p> + <p>It also thinks that the Tribune is a try weakly and unique +daily, +besides being a four centenary.</p> + <p>It thinks that the fact of the <i>Times</i> being out of +Joint is the reason +it is getting the cold Shoulder from its subscribers.</p> + <p>It thinks that the <i>Herald</i> is not the leading paper, +though it may have +Ben-it.</p> + <p>It thinks that the <i>Sun</i> is awful shiny.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The Politician's Half-and-Half.</p> + <p>DEMAGOGUE and Demijohn.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>CONDENSED CONGRESS</b>.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SENATE.</p> + <p>LOFTY Mr. SUMNER wished to know what Mr. CARPENTER meant by +pursuing +him. He was used to being blackguarded by the enemies of his country, +but now he was hounded in the house of his friends. He had looked +through the whole Congressional Library and failed to find a precedent +for the course of the carping CARPENTER, except in the case of the +classic chap who had warmed a viper which had turned again and rent +him. +He did not mean to say that Mr. CARPENTER was a viper, but he thought +nobody but an Adder would put this and that together as Mr. CARPENTER +had done.</p> + <p>Mr. CARPENTER said that the passion of his friend from Boston +for +maundering about himself amounted to a mild mania. All he had done was +to suggest that SUMNER had upheld States Rights twenty years ago, and +now pretended that he was never any such person.</p> + <p>Mr. SUMNER said that twenty years ago the States Rights boot +was upon +the other leg. ÆNEAS SILVIUS had well observed that it made a +heap of +difference whose ox was gored, and HORACE had pointed out the +difference +between tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee. Unless his reading of the +Cyclopedia had failed to inform him, he believed that there was a game +known as "Heads I win, tails you lose." That was his little game. When +Massachusetts States Rights were invoked to aid the colored man, States +Rights were good. When Southern States Rights were invoked to crush the +colored man, States Rights were bad. As for him, give him liberty or +give him rats.</p> + <p>Mr. HARLAN wished to know why the Pacific Railway grant should +be +passed. No officer of that railway had been to see him about it. He did +not believe in legislation of this kind. If a thing were worth having, +it was certainly worth asking for. He had no objection to breaking old +"ties," but he was averse to paying for new ones, unless he had some +personal reason for it. He wished he were altogether in the same +position as some of his colleagues, including these "bonds."</p> + <p>WILSON, and CASSERLY, and THURMAN, and THAYER said that HARLAN +was of no +account, and that was the reason why he had not been "seen." As long as +a majority was prepared, it was wasting money to conciliate any body +else.</p> + <p>Mr. DRAKE said he had a better thing than the Pacific Railway. +It was a +bill to provide that the Army and Navy of the United States might be +put +on a war-footing on the application of any three colored persons. This +did not seem to be profitable, but it was. The profit in it was a JOB, +but much subtler than in the Pacific Railway. He hoped Senators would +see the illimitable vistas of patronage opened by the bill.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HOUSE.</p> + <p>Mr. BUTLER insisted upon his bill to annex Dominica. Somebody +had said +that we had plenty of Dominicans already in the Southern States. This +was net so. He wanted to be Governor-General of Dominica. It was true +that silverware was not rife in that island, but there was an +infinitude +of potential voters, who could be converted into coin. The House +refused +to see it, however, and proceeded to discuss the case of SYPHER. Mr. +BROOKS said SYPHER was nothing. He did not see how SYPHER, who was a +nullity, could be figured out to be a member of Congress. Besides, +SYPHER lived in Pennsylvania.</p> + <p>Mr. KELLEY said that was the very reason why SYPHER should be +admitted. +Every body knew, who knew any thing of arithmetic, that a SYPHER in the +proper place amounted to a great deal. He would like to know what +objection there was to Pennsylvanians representing Louisiana? A +Pennsylvanian was sure to be right on the tariff, and a Louisianian was +sure to be wrong. Therefore a Pennsylvanian was a much better +representative than a Louisianian. Besides, SYPHER's hands were not red +with loyal blood, neither had he waded knee-deep in patriotic gore.</p> + <p>Mr. BUTLER wanted to annex Dominica.</p> + <p>Mr. Cox said he did not object to SYPHER'S coming in because +he was a +Pennsylvanian. He was an Ohio man, and represented a New-York district. +But be thought there were too many SYPHERS here now. An integer or two +would be more useful to maintain the integrity of the House.</p> + <p>Mr. BUTLER said he would like to introduce a bill to annex +Dominica.</p> + <p>Mr. FARNSWORTH said he didn't care any thing about the merits +of the +case. He knew the committee was all right. It was a martter of comity +to +go with the committee. If the House added a SYPHER, it would increase +their strength ten fold.</p> + <p>Mr. STOKES said he would not weep for SYPHER if he were +rejected. But he +would sigh for SYPHER, if he could cipher SYPHER in.</p> + <p>Mr. BUTLER moved a bill to annex Dominica.</p> + <p>SYPHER tried to swear himself in, but he had been so much +irritated by +the previous proceedings that he found that he had sworn himself out.</p> + <p>The House adjourned, except Mr. BUTLER, who was preparing a +bill to +annex Dominica.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A REMONSTRANCE</b>.</p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: In the <i>Express</i> of Saturday, April +17th, I read the +following announcement, printed at the foot of the regular weather +table, furnished for that journal by Professor THATCHER:</p> +"Prediction.--It will not rain within 3¾ days from 8 P.M.<br> + <br> +"A. E. THATCHER."<br> + <p>The positive character of this prediction made it very, +welcome. My wife +and myself had been invited by friends in Westchester County to go to +their house on Saturday evening, stay all night, and pass the following +day--Easter-Sunday--with them. We had nearly made up our minds to do +it. +They are very pleasant folks to visit, especially about Easter time; +for +the man of the house has a mania for hens, and, being a dyer by trade, +his poultry, using the refuse of the drugs instead of gravel to aid +their digestion, lay natural painted eggs of the most varied and +delicate tints. If I am strict in any matter of religion, it is with +regard to having a blow-out of eggs at Easter. My wife is as fond of +eggs as myself, (the yolk sits lightly, she says, which is a joke upon +yoke,) and she required no egging on to persuade her to accept the +invitation. We were doubtful about the weather, though; but the +"Professor's" prediction decided us, and we went.</p> + <p>I thought it felt mighty like rain as we walked the short +distance from +the railway station to our host's. I had rain-pains in my back, and my +wife said her corns were shooting. Nor did our punctual aches deceive +us. Between that Saturday night and Easter-Sunday morning it began to +rain. Easter-Sunday was the wettest day I remember ever to have +experienced. There was no "let up" of the deluge throughout that day +and Easter-Monday. We--my wife and I--are suffering dreadfully from the +effects of Easter-eggs, which we were obliged to devour by the stack +merely to kill time, as we could not walk out. Should we die, I will +let +you know; but really it was too bad of "Professor" THATCHER.</p> + <p>WEATHERBOUND. </p> + <p>P.S.--Who is "Professor" THATCHER?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE BIRD OF WISDOM IN IOWA</b>.</p> + <p>Civilization, it seems, is making some headway in Iowa. Boys +are no +longer allowed to shoot small birds there, especially song-birds. And +so +the little warblers can pipe it all day, if they like, and when they +grow tired and hungry, they are welcome to refresh their small systems +at the strawberry beds. There is one feature of the regulation in +question, however, that does pain us. While vocal and fly-gobbling +talents are tenderly fostered, dignified Wisdom is not only neglected, +but persecuted. Our old friend the Owl is reputed by the people of Iowa +to be rather particular in his diet, (as all wise creatures are,) and +to +prefer a nice young spring chicken to almost any other "delicacy of the +season"--a proof of wisdom and refinement that proved too much for the +people of Iowa. And so they have left the poor old Owl out of the +protective enactment; and it is not only legal to shoot him, but +meritorious. The legislators could have stood the wisdom, perhaps by +itself; and possibly they might have respected the taste; but the +combination troubled them, and could not, of course, be tolerated.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p>[Illustration: "THE MERRY FIRST OF MAY."</p> + <p><i>First Young Wife</i>. "OH! THIS HORRID HOUSE-MOVING--AN'T +YOU DISTRACTED +ABOUT IT, DEAR?"</p> + <p><i>Second Ditto</i>. "O DEAR! NO. WE HAVE ARRANGED IT NICELY. +CHARLES WILL +SEE TO THE FURNITURE AND THINGS, AND I WILL SUPERINTEND THE REMOVAL OF +FIDO MYSELF."]</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HOW A DISCIPLE OF FOX BECAME A LOVER OF BULL</b>.</p> + <p>PHILADELPHIA, 4th Month, 13th, 1870.</p> + <p>FRIEND PUNCHINELLO: I know thee treats our good city with more +consideration than thy brother journalists, and so it is that I address +the on this occasion. Last night I listened to the fiddle of OLE BULL. +I +had long known of this man, even from the time when I first attired +myself in a coat, (called by the world after the name of the abdomen of +a fish,) as one who</p> + <span style="margin-left: 5.25em;">--"skinned a cat</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">And put the fur around his +hat."</span><br> + <p>But having recently been made aware of the fact that this +fiddler only +availed himself, in his vain exhibitions, of a part of the <i>felis</i> +which +was not necessary to its felicity after death, I determined to give a +portion of my worldly goods toward the building of a light-house on the +Norway coast, for which purpose, I heard it averred, this man's +performances were given; and I went to the building where the fiddling +was to be, to see if it were done with fidelity for this end.</p> + <p>As I sat in the upper seats of the house, serenely elevated +above the +vain throng, the man BULL appeared before me. His mien was humble and +his hair was of a gray tinge, which I attributed to the ceaseless +gratings of the instrument which he held on his arm, as carefully as if +it had been an immortal child.</p> + <p>At first, though I labored conscientiously toward that end, I +could +discover nothing in the sounds he made which reminded me in the least +degree of a Norwegian light-house. But suddenly I forgot that useful +monument. Against my will, I seemed to be wafted aloft, even to where +the seats were cheaper; and anon, I felt as though I disported among +the +shameless figures on the ceiling of the house. I now forgot all things +earthly, even that suspicious bill which friend HOPKINS paid in to my +cashier on Second-day. Yea, my whole being became, as it were, strung +upon the entrails of a cat and tickled with the tail of horse. I felt +as +if I were wafted aloft on a blanket of shivering scrapes while +quivering +angels gently swung me among the stickery stars! And there I heard a +melody as though the edges of glass skies were softly rubbed together. +Then all was stiller, stiller, until methought I heard nothing but one +consumptive angel breathing in his sleep. But even that sound dribbled +away, until the last drop seemed to me about to be sucked down into a +hole at the bottom of the airy void, when suddenly there came a rush as +though a vast light-house of brass had fallen into a sea of tinkling +cymbals, and I jumped so violently that my spectacles slipped from off +my nose and fell among the vain ones below.</p> + <p>A second time now came the fiddler forth, and soon methought I +stood +within a surgeon's operating hall. The player drew his bow as though it +were a knife, gliding over the limb of a subject in a sleep.</p> + <p>So keen the blade, so soft the touch, the sleeper did not +wake! I +clutched my knees--my breath did cease!</p> + <p>The skin divides!</p> + <p>And still he sleeps.</p> + <p>The muscles and the tendons fall apart!</p> + <p>He moves not.</p> + <p>Oh! That glittering blade</p> + <p>It deeper goes!</p> + <p>A--Ah!</p> + <p>He wakes!</p> + <p>He yells!</p> + <p>Horror! And now, through flesh and bones that vengeful weapon +grinds!</p> + <p>'Mid screams and oaths!</p> + <p>Down falls the leg...</p> + <p>I staggered forward. My hat, which much clamor in the rear had +not made +me remove, fell over the iron rail and plunged, resounding ike a sinful +drum, upon the head of a painted Jersey belle below.</p> + <p>I heeded not, but groped me to the door.</p> + <p>And now I write to thee, friend PUNCHINELLO. Can thee buy me +such a +fiddle in New-York? Thy friend,</p> + <p>VENTER CLUPLE.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Puzzler.</b></p> + <p>The Belgians, it is said, are anxious to have the letter <i>h</i> +dropped +from the French alphabet. As that contains no <i>w</i>, how, in the +event of +a new elision, will the Parisians, who are so fond of English words, +manage to spell <i>wheelwright</i>?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Blow that Hurteth not.</b></p> + <p>The Blow of a flower.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p>A Pleasant Prospect.</p> + <p>If the new Superintendent of the New-York Police Force is to +be as +severely tried as was his predecessor, then, surely, JOURDAN will have +a +hard road to travel."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"OUT OF THE STREETS."</b></p> +GEORGE W. MCLEAN am I,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And potent was my name,</span><br> +Till TWEED and SWEENEY crossed my path<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">And spoiled my little game.</span><br> + <br> +Our city roads I supervised,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Long time, with pious care,</span><br> +The people's "Ways I strictly watched--<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Street, Avenue, and Square</span><br> + <br> +But now, from office rudely swept<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">By Legislative BILL,</span><br> +The crossing-sweeper's broom I ply,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">My empty pouch, to fill.</span> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <b>Honeymoons in the Air</b><br> + <br> +The rage for passing the honeymoon in a balloon appears to be on the<br> +wane in this country. The reason for this may be that a majority of<br> +those who enter wedlock find they "go up" soon enough without the aid of<br> +a balloon. <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <b>Motto for Unsuccessful Croquet-Players.</b><br> + <br> +"Hoops deferred make the heart sick."<br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" + style="text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 800px; height: 2180px;"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A. +T. STEWART & CO.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>Have made large additions to their very popular stock of</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ENGLISH BODY BRUSSELS,</span><br> + <br> +At $1.75, $2, and $2.25 per yard.<br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">BEST QUALITY VELVETS,</span></small><br> + <br> +At $2.50 per yard.<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">ROYAL WILTONS,</span></big><br> + <br> +At $2.50 and $3 per yard,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">MOQUETTES AND AXMINSTERS,</span><br> + <br> +At $3.50 and $4 per yard,<br> + <br> + <small>ALSO,</small><br> + <br> +Will offer a choice assortment of<br> + <br> +Ingrains, Three-Ply, Cocoa,<br> + <br> + <small>AND</small><br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">CANTON MATTINGS,</span></big><br> + <br> +ENGLISH AND DOMESTIC.<br> + <br> +OIL-CLOTHS, etc.,<br> + <br> +Of the Best Quality and Newest Designs.<br> + <br> + <small>Novelties in Carpets</small><br> + <br> +In one piece, with<br> + <small><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">MEDALLIONS AND BORDERS,</span></small><br> + <br> +And also by the yard. Received by each and every steamer.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts.</span></td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p><i>The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be +to speak a +foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and +these +are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the MASTERY +SYSTEM.</i></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The Mastery of Languages;</p> + <p>OR,</p> + <p>THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES +IDIOMATICALLY.</p> + <p>BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST.</p> + <p><i>I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series.<br> +II. The Mastery Series. French. + <br> +III. The Mastery Series. German. + <br> +IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish.</i></p> + <p>PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.</p> + <p>From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf +Mute College.</p> + <p>"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were +so astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest doubts +should be raised as to his credibility. But this much he does not +hesitate to claim, that, after a study of less than two weeks, be +was able to sustain conversation in the newly-acquired language +on a great variety of subjects."</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.</p> + <p>"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first +learning the +language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning <br> +(or trying +to +learn) the language."--<i>Morning Star</i></p> + <p>"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's +plan a +trial, and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all +their expectations."--<i>Record</i>.</p> + <p>"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced us +that the +method is sound."--<i>Papers for the Schoolmaster</i>.</p> + <p>"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--<i>Herald</i> +(Birmingham.)</p> + <p>"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the +result in a +reasonable time."--<i>Norfolk News</i>.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.</p> + <p>"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child +learns to +talk."--<i>Troy Whig</i>.</p> + <p>"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of +languages to +give it a trial."--<i>Rochester Democrat</i>.</p> + <p>"For European travelers this volume is invaluable."<br> +--<i>Worcester +Spy</i>.</p> + <p>Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of +the United +States on receipt of price.</p> + <p>D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers, +90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p>BURCH'S</p> + <p><big><b>Merchant's Restaurant</b></big></p> + <p>AND</p> + <p><b>DINING-ROOM,</b></p> + <p>310 BROADWAY,</p> + <p>BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS.</p> + <p><i>Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M.</i></p> + <p><i>Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M.</i></p> + <p><i>Supper from 4 to 7 P.M.</i></p> + <p>M.C. BURCH, of New-York.</p> + <p>A. STOW, of Alabama.</p> + <p>H.A. CARTER, of Massachusetts.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A.T. +Stewart & Co.</span></big></big><br> + <br> +ARE OFFERING<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS</span><br> + <br> + <small style="font-weight: bold;">IN<br> + </small><br> +Silks,<br> +Dress-Goods,<br> +Japanese Poplins,<br> + <br> +MOHAIRS,<br> + <br> +PLAID AND BROCHE BAREGES,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">FRENCH PRINTED ORGANDIES,</span><br> + <br> +Jaconets,<br> +Percales,<br> +Iron Bareges,<br> + <br> +AND GRENADINE DITTO.<br> + <br> + <small>Forming the largest assortment of choice, fresh goods they<br> +have ever offered.<br> + <br> +The attention of their customers and the public is respectfully<br> +invited.</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br> + <br> + <small style="font-weight: bold;">Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth +Sts.</small></td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.</big></p> + <p><i>Third Edition.</i></p> + <p>D. APPLETON & CO., +90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, +Have now ready the Third Edition of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.</big></p> + <p>By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."</p> + <p>1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.</p> + <p>From the New-York <i>Evening Express</i>. +"This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents +breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title."</p> + <p>From the Philadelphia <i>Inquirer</i>. +"The author can and does write well; the descriptions of +scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and never +overstrained."</p> + <p>D.A. & Co. have just published:</p> + <p>A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE +RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. <br> +By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.</p> + <p>REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT +OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A +DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY +OF THE MOST INTERESTING. <br> +By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. +8vo, $6.</p> + <p>HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS +LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. <br> +By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.</p> + <p>HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF +LEARNING LANGUAGES.</p> + <p>I. THE HAND-BOOK _ THE MASTERY SERIES. <br> +II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. <br> +III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. <br> +IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH.<br> +Price, 50 cents each.</p> + <p>Either of the above sent free by mall to any address on +receipt of the price.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRA +PREMIUMS</span></small><br> + <br> + <small>FOR</small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>Upon receipt of Five Dollars we will send PRANG & Co.'s<br> +Superb Chromo of</small><br> + <big><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">"EASTER MORNING."</span></big><br> + <br> + <small>Size, 6-3/4 x 10-1/4. (Selling price, $3.) Free by mail. +And a copy of</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO</span><br> + <br> + <small>FOR ONE YEAR.</small><br> + <br> + <small>For Ten Dollars the Larger Size o</small>f<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>"EASTER MORNING."</big></big><br> + <br> + <small>14x21. (Selling price, $10.) Free by mail. And a copy of</small><br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO</span></big><br> + <br> + <small>FOR ONE YEAR.</small><br> + <br> + <small>The regular subscription to PUNCHINELLO is Four Dollars,<br> +payable in advance.<br> + </small><br> + <small>This offer will be kept open only for a limited time, and +persons<br> +desirous to avail themselves of it will please</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">SEND IN AT ONCE.</span><br> + <br> + <small>Remittances should be made in Money Orders, Bank Checks,<br> +or Drafts on New-York, or by Registered Letters.</small><br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO </span></big><br> +PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + <br> +83 Nassau Street.<br> + <br> + <small>[P.O. Box 2783.]</small></td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" align="center" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="66%" rowspan="2"><br> +[Illustration: OUR PAVEMENTS.<br> +<br> +<i>Timid Tax-payer</i>. "WHAT! GOING TO PAVE THIS STREET AGAIN? +WHY, IT WAS NEWLY PAVED ONLY A WEEK AGO!"<br> +<br> +<i>Gentlemanly Contractor</i>. "PAVED? NOT MUCH! FOUNDATION LAID, +ONLY; AND NOW WE'RE GOIN' TO PUT THE JOBBER'S PATENT TOP-SOLID-SUPERSTRUCTURE +OVER THAT!"]<br> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>WALTHAM WATCHES</b></p> + <p>3-4 PLATE.</p> + <p>16 and 20 Sizes.</p> + <p>To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have +devoted all +the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently +claim +that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences +of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these +watches are unsurpassed anywhere.</p> + <p>In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches +is not +even attempted except at Waltham.</p> + <p>FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b style="font-family: helvetica,arial,sans-serif;">Bowling +Green Savings-Bank,</b><span + style="font-family: helvetica,arial,sans-serif;"> </span><br> +33 BROADWAY,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten +Thousand Dollars, will be received.</p> + <p>Six Per Cent Interest, Free of +Government Tax.</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS</span> +Commences on the first of every month.</p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i>. <br> +REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>. +WALTER ROCHE, <br> +EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents.</i></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> are celebrated for their close +resemblance to Oil +Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S +WEEKLY BULLETIN: "Bo-Peep," "Queen of the Woods," "First Lesson in +Music," "Travelling Comedians," "City and Country Life." Illustrated +Catalogues sent on receipt of a stamp by</small></p> + <p><b>L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <h2>PUNCHINELLO:</h2> + <h1><b>TERMS TO CLUBS.</b></h1> + <p>WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS</p> + </center> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>FIRST:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,</i></p> + <p>The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced +for spinning +purposes.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>SECOND:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.</i></p> + <p>These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well +as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>THIRD:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER.</i></p> + <p>This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It +knits +every thing.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>FOURTH:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE.</i></p> + <p>This great combination machine is the last and greatest +improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small>WE WILL SEND THE</small></p> + </center> + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="6" border="0" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">Family Spinner,</td> + <td align="left">price, $8,</td> + <td align="left">for 4 subscribers and $16.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.1 Crochet,</td> + <td align="left">price, $8,</td> + <td align="left">for 4 subscribers and $16.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.2 Crochet,</td> + <td align="left">price, $15,</td> + <td align="left">for 6 subscribers and $24.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.1 Automatic Knitter,<br> +72 needles,</td> + <td align="left">price, $30,</td> + <td align="left">for 12 subscribers and $48.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.2 Automatic Knitter,<br> +84 needles,</td> + <td align="left">price, $33,</td> + <td align="left">for 13 subscribers and $52.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No.3 Automatic Knitter,<br> +100 needles,</td> + <td align="left">price, $37,</td> + <td align="left">for 15 subscribers and $60.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left">No.4 Automatic Knitter,</td> + <td align="left">2 cylinders,<br> +72 needles<br> +1 100 needles</td> + <td align="left">price, $40.</td> + <td align="left">for 16 subscribers and $64.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="left">No. 1 American Buttonhole<br> +and Overseaming Machine,</td> + <td align="left">price, $75,</td> + <td align="left">for 30 subscribers and $120.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left">No. 2 American Buttonhole<br> +and Overseaming Machine,</td> + <td align="left"> without buttonhole <br> +parts, etc., </td> + <td align="left">price, $60,</td> + <td align="left">for 25 subscribers and $100.</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Descriptive Circulars</p> + <p>Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this +office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.</p> + <p>Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may +deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four +subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may +send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.</p> + <p>Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, +or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish.</p> + <p>Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net +amount only +will be credited.</p> + <p>Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to +prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State.</p> + <p>The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, +payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription.</p> + <p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783.</p> + <br> + <p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY</p> + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER +JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 6 *** + +This file should be named 8p10610h.htm or 8p10610h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p10611h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p10610ah.htm + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9960] +Release Date: February, 2006 +First Posted: November 5, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, MAY 7, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve +Schulze\and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEARLY READY. | + | | + | ALASKA and its RESOURCES. | + | | + | By W. H. DALL, | + | | + | Director of the Scientific Corps of the Western Union | + | Telegraph Expedition. | + | | + | Full Octavo, with nearly One Hundred Elegant Illustrations, | + | engraved by the late JOHN ANDREW, from drawings by the | + | Author. This volume contains not only the record of a THREE | + | YEARS residence in Alaska--made under the most favorable | + | circumstances for explorations--but a complete history of | + | the country gathered from every available source. It is very | + | full in details of Productions, Climate, Soil, Temperature, | + | Language, the Manners and Customs of its peoples, etc., | + | etc.; and is the most valuable, as well as the most | + | authentic, addition to the history of Alaska. And is one of | + | the most elegant books issued in America. | + | | + | LEE & SHEPARD, Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. | + | | + | THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | SUPPLIED BY THE | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | We recommend for bank and office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | _Sole Agents for United States._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO + +Vol. I. No. 6. + +SATURDAY, MAY 7, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + * * * * * + +_CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the paper for +binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of One Dollar, by +"Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau Street, New-York City._ + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The Greatest Horse Book ever Published. | + | | + | HIRAM WOODRUFF | + | | + | ON THE | + | | + | TROTTING HORSE OF AMERICA! | + | | + | _How to Train and Drive Him._ | + | | + | With Reminiscenses of the Trotting Turf. A handsome 12mo, | + | with a splendid steel-plate portrait of Hiram Woodruff. | + | Price, extra cloth, $2.25. | + | | + | The New-York _Tribune_ says, "_This is a Masterly Treatise | + | by The Master of his Profession_--the ripened product of | + | forty years' experience in Handling, Training, Riding, and | + | Driving the Trotting Horse. There is no book like it in any | + | language on the subject of which it treats." | + | | + | BONNHE says in the _Ledger_, "It is a book for which every | + | man who owns a horse ought to subscribe. The information | + | which it contains is worth ten times its cost." For sale by | + | all booksellers, or single copies sent postpaid on receipt | + | of price. | + | | + | Agents wanted. | + | | + | J. B. FORD & CO., Printing-House Square, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET, | + | | + | New-York, | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | + | | + | any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | + | calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Notice to Ladies. | + | | + | DIBBLEE, | + | | + | Of 854 Broadway, | + | | + | Has just received a large assortment of all the latest | + | styles of Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. | + | | + | FROM PARIS, | + | | + | Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | + | | + | La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, La Sirene, | + | L'Imperatrice, etc., | + | | + | At prices varying from $2 upward. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HERCULES MUTUAL | + | | + | LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY | + | | + | OF THE UNITED STATES | + | | + | No. 240 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. | + | | + | All Policies | + | | + | Entitled to Participation in Profits. | + | | + | Dividends Declared Annually. | + | | + | JAMES D. REYMERT, President. | + | | + | ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary | + | | + | THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., Medical Examiner. | + | | + | ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers | + | who have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, | + | or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance. $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783. | + | | + | _(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of all new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents | + | each delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | AT | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | AND AT | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | AMERICAN | + | | + | BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last and greatest | + | improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to | + | all the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES: | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + | $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | + | to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | + | market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | + | purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY SPEAR, | + | | + | STATIONER, PRINTER, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. | + | | + | ACCOUNT BOOKS MADE TO ORDER. | + | | + | PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. | + | | + | 82 Wall Street, NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: YE YONGE MANNE OF MANHATTAN. + +Ye Yonge Manne is born, and his parents hasten with him to ye abode of +ye BROWN, praying that he may be christened among ye upper tenne. + +And when ye Yonge Manne takes a daughter of ye upper tenne to wife, ye +BROWN sees that he is married in ye BROWN his church. + +Ye BROWN demands if ye parents put in their coal in ye Summer time; and, +being told that they do, he has ye Yonge Manne christened in his church, +and when he grows up ye BROWN introduces him into Society. + +And when ye Yonge Manne he dies, ye BROWN arranges with all ye gardeners +and black-goods men. And so, ye Yonge Manne, he is done entirely BROWN.] + + * * * * * + + THE BACHELOR'S MOVING-DAY. + AHA! + A mere half-hour's bother! + Suppose I were a father-- + A luckless wight, called "Pa"! + + I'd say, + "Now curse the restless rover + That first (despising clover!) + Invented Moving-day!" + + O yes! + Especially, if moving + Was likely to be proving + (As usual) a mess! + + Why, look! + You've got no end of articles. + Sure to be smashed to particles, + Or "snaked off" with a "hook"! + + You've got + Chairs, bedsteads, tables, crockery-- + (Recital seems a mockery!) + You've got--what have you not? + + What's worse, + Your things won't fit new places, + Your wife won't like new faces-- + Your very maid will curse! + + Your hat + And other things _do_ fall so! + And children they _do_ bawl so! + Good heavens! think of that, + + And think + Of possible colds and fevers-- + Cartmen that prove deceivers-- + Nothing to eat or drink! + + Small bliss + For bachelors so lonely--. + Tired of one thing only: + But they escape all this! + + And pray, + What man with sons and daughters + Don't sigh for bachelor quarters + About the First of May? + + * * * * * + +Printed, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE DELIGHTS OF DOUGHERTY. + +At the Banquet of the Army of the Potomac in Philadelphia, Mr. DANIEL +DOUGHERTY made one of the most extraordinary speeches on record, if we +except certain forensic efforts of Mr. PUNCHINELLO delivered during the +earlier stages of his career from his box. Mr. DOUGHERTY is a Soarer, +and a Spreader, and a Screamer. Speaking metaphorically, be goes higher, +measures more from the tip of one wing to the other, and is more +suggestive of the warbling of a locomotive in his speech than any other +Eagle in Philadelphia, which is saying a great deal. DANIEL is a Giant +of Rhetoric, and would remind us of the Big Gentleman from Cardiff, only +that mysterious personage is too heavy to Soar; for which reason he +usually occupies the ground floor, which Mr. DOUGHERTY does not do by +any manner of means. + +It was this extraordinary capacity of Mr. DOUGHERTY for Soaring which +caused him to be called upon by the Army of the Potomac for a speech. +The great D. begins by declaring that he would rather speak for his +country than for Pennsylvania, which, considering that he also declared +that he came "as a modest spectator," does not strike us as the depth of +humility. However, "my bosom," said Mr. D., "is not confined to any +locality;" and we believe that Mr. PECKSNIFF said something like this of +his own frontal linen. Yet, we should like to know what Mr. DOUGHERTY +does for a chest when his own has gone upon its extensive journeys; +something temporary is done, we suppose, with a pad. But the Bosom was +at the Banquet, and the proprietor was there to thump it, until it must +have sounded and reverberated; and if Mr. DOUGHERTY had also thumped his +head, there would have been equal evidence of hollowness within. "May my +tongue never prove a traitor!" cried the orator. Mr. PUNCHINELLO hastens +to reassure him. The tongue is well enough, and is likely to be. It's +something a little higher up that is likely to give out. + +If the applause of the brave men before him was what Mr. DOUGHERTY +wanted, (besides his dinner,) then of applause he got the Stomach under +his Bosom full. The speech was received, according to the reporters, +with a roaring which has not been equalled since the Lions in the Den +roared at the other DANIEL, until they found that the good man was +neither to be roared or sneezed at with impunity. The cheering was +"tremendous." The cheering was "terrific." The cheering was "prolonged." +And there stood "the Bosom not confined to any locality," but just then +swelling, and expanding, and dilating--shall we for once be fine, and +say like an Ocean Billow? Voices which shouted at Gettysburg now hailed +Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY as a Conquering Hero--the conqueror of their cars! +Once in a while there was "great laughter" when Mr. D.D. hadn't said any +thing specially funny--that is, if Mr. PUNCHINELLO is a judge of fun; +and if he isn't, who in all the world is? There are two kinds of +laughter--the laughing at and the laughing with; and we have known +"tremendous" and even "vociferous" applause to be very suspicious. + +It must be a source of calm satisfaction to General GRANT to know that +he is considered the "great and glorious GRANT" by Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY; +although DANIEL once considered Mr. BUCHANAN, poor man! to be equally +"great and glorious." So DANIEL also considers SHERMAN to be "immortal," +and SHERIDAN "unconquerable," and MEADE "glorious." Adjectives are +cheap, you know; and D.D., Esq., has evidently a great stock of them in +his Wandering Bosom. Only, great soldiers, who know the precise value of +Mr. DOUGHERTY'S military opinions, might not care to have them laid on +too thickly. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO has written to Mr. DOUGHERTY'S Family Doctor to inquire +into the state of Mr. D's health after this tremendous effort, and he +sends us a bulletin that Mr. D. is "as well as could be expected." We do +not know what he means by this; it seems to us to lack scientific +precision. The point upon which we wished to be informed was, whether +Mr. D. did or did not break any thing--not the tumblers on the table, +for that we should expect; but any thing in the way of blood-vessels. +Not to put too fine a point upon it, How's the Bosom? + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN CUTLERY IN FRANCE. + +The great pride, the _dulce decus_ of Americans, has long been in their +pocket hardware, and the skill with which they use it. But we must +henceforth look to our laurels. France is competing alarmingly with us +in the use of the revolver. They were always a revolutionary people, +were the French, and revolving seems, therefore, to suit their temper to +a T, (Gunpowder T, of course.) Since the slaying of NOIR by BONAPARTE, +the affectation of readiness with the pistol has become quite the thing +in Paris. New-York and Paris will soon be exactly alike in the bullet +business--especially Paris. PAUL DE CASSAGNAC, it seems, has been +invited by some anonymous person to meet him at a certain hour in front +of the _mairie_ of the Seventeenth _arrondissement_, for the purpose of +having his brains removed with a revolver. PAUL declined to go, however. +The _Mairie_ mentioned in the cartel was not the one for PAUL. Probably +he would have gone to VIRGINIA, had he been invited to do so; but never +a MAIRIE for the faithful PAUL. And might have come by way of New-York, +where he would soon have grown so used to having his brains removed with +a revolver that the process would have become a pleasure to him. + + * * * * * + +PHILADELVINGS. + +PUNCHINELLO cannot help liking Philadelphia, and always feels a pang of +sympathy whenever any thing happens to that plain old city. One reason +for this is, (and he is not ashamed of the weakness,) that Philadelphia +likes PUNCHINELLO and takes, weekly, he would not be vain enough to say +how many hundred copies of his journal. And now Philamaclink, as her +natives love to call her, is afflicted with a terrible disease--a +fearful attack of chronic Legislature. Even when the active symptoms of +this dread malady have subsided, the effects linger, and the consequent +suffering is excruciating. One of the direst of the effects of the last +attack is a dreadful bill--not a bile--which has caused a utilization +sewage company to appear upon her body corporate. It is almost +impossible for sister cities to understand the torments of such an +affliction. Nobody can now clear away their own dirt--Councils, Board of +Health, or any body else. If rooms are swept, the sewage company must +take up the dust; if a pig-pen or a stable needs cleaning, the company +must do it; if the lady of a house throws the slops out of her breakfast +cups, the company must carry them away; if a man knocks the ashes from +his cigar, he must save them for the company; if, anywhere in the city, +a foul word is spoken, the company must have the benefit of it. Even the +birds in the squares must not cleanse their nests without a printed +permit from the company. If a bedstead is cleaned, the company must have +the bugs. Only one dirty thing is safe from this all-powerful +corporation, and that is the legisiative delegation from the city. If +the refuse matter were taken from that, there would be nothing left. It +has been proposed that the Legislature itself should be purified; but +this idea is Utopian, PUNCHINELLO fears. If Niagara were squirted +through its halls, the water would be dirtied, but the halls would not +be cleansed. Alas, poor city! Trampled under the heels of the +aristocratic HONG and PENNY BUNN, what is there to hope for it? + +But all has not been told. There are about eight hundred thousand +inhabitants in the place. Some twenty thousand of these owe small sums +for unpaid taxes, averaging about nine and a quarter cents to a man. To +collect these sums, an army of seventy-two thousand able-bodied men, at +salaries of one thousand dollars per annum, has been commissioned by the +PENNY BUNN Legislature. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not been told. A private firm has prevailed +upon the imbecile old farmers from the western and interior counties to +give them the right to build a private freight railroad through many of +the principal streets of the Quaker City. This road will run through +several school-house yards, and the time-tables are to be so arranged +that trains shall always be due at those points at recess time. Every +fiftieth private house along the lines is to have a road-station and +freight-depot in its front-parlor, and all male residents on said routes +are to serve in turn, without pay, as brakesmen and switch-tenders. The +owners of all vehicles injured by the trains are to be heavily fined, +and the families of individuals allowing themselves to be killed are to +be mulcted in heavy damages. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. A counterfeit tax-bill +has been passed by the Legislature. All the sums handed in to the State +Treasury by the tax collectors have been found to be "bogus" money. This +action has been indorsed by the Legislature, and the action of that body +is hereafter to be of the same character as the funds paid in by its +creatures. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. Colonel FORNEY intends +resuming his "Occasional" letters in the _Press!_ + +Enough! Humanity can bear no more. + + * * * * * + +Query by a Constitutional Student. + +When the Governor or President V-toes a bill, is he supposed to put +his foot on it? + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +SPECTACLES are proverbially fit for old eyes. Probably that is the +reason why the spectacle of the _Twelve Temptations_ is so dear to the +aged eyes of the gray-haired old gentlemen who occupy the front seats at +the Grand Opera House. It is certainly a brilliant spectacle, though, +like the ideal scene to which Mrs. NICKLEBY's eccentric and vegetarian +lover once referred, it consists principally of "gas and gaiters." Not +that it is exclusively an Old Folks' entertainment; for, as the critics +say of portentously dull juvenile books, "it will be found as +interesting to the young as to the old." Though the dullest of dramas, +it is so brightened by brilliant legs that it dazzles every beholder. +Why, then, should the stern advocate of the legitimate drama refuse to +acknowledge that the _Twelve Temptations_ has its redeeming legs? How +runs the ancient proverb, "Singed milk is better than it looks;" or that +equally ancient philosophical maxim, "There is no use in crying over +spilt cats"? The stupid story of ULRIC'S folly is made more attractive +than one would suppose that it could be, and we need not weep over the +fact that it is a spectacle, and not a SHAKESPEAREAN tragedy. + +The bold explorers who have reached the remote Opera House, +fought their way past the misanthropic door-keeper, and gained their +seats, are first reduced to a state of mental chaos by the performance +of a maddening overture, and are then fitted to appreciate the play, +which proceeds after the following pattern: + +_Act 1. Curtain rises upon a score of Unintelligible Demons_, who sing +this impressive chorus: + + "Oh! um um um um + For um um um um + And um um um um + To um um um um." + +_Exeunt Demons. Enter_ RUDOLPH THE TEMPTER. _He remarks to the +surrounding scenery_--"ULLERIC'S soul must be mine, or else the dark +abodes of torment await me. I will tempt him. Great Master, appear." + +_The Great Master--a major-general of fiends--appears, and, approving +of_ RUDOLPH'S _virtuous resolve, they descend to--well, they descend +below the Erie Building, to drink to his success. Scene changes to_ +ULRIC'S _home. Enter_ ULRIC _and family, including Aged Mother, Virtuous +Heroine, Hated Rival, and Demoniac Servant._ + +ULRIC. "Motherr, this slife is intollerrabble; I will do any thing to +escape frrrom it." + +_Enter_ RUDOLPH _and Unintelligible Demons (disguised.) They sing as +before._ + + "Oh! um um um um," etc. + +ULRIC. "The song says terruly. I will go with you, though you were the +fiend himself." + +_Consternation on the part of every one. Demoniac Servant remarks, "Ha! +ha!"_ ULRIC _and the Demons sink through the floor. Scene changes to the +Studio of Eblis._ + +RUDOLPH. "Take this collar. Behold these stripes painted upon it. +Whatever you wish you shall have at the price of five years of your +life. A stripe will vanish each time your wish is gratified. (_Aside._) +The stripes are only cloth, you know, and you can pull 'em off when your +back is turned to the audience. Is it a bargain?" + +ULRIC. "It 'er is." (_Malignant crash from the orchestra._) + +RUDOLPH. "ULLERIC, 'tis well. Now thou shall behold our sports." + +_Enter ballet girls, dressed in red gaiters and torches. They dance the +Demon Cancan, waving their torches and scattering the flames. Old +Gentleman, in the front row hears such charming little asides as, "Drat +you,_ MARY SMITH, _you've burnt my hand." "I'll slap your face, Miss, if +you step on my foot again." "O_ NELLY! _my hair's a-coming down."_ + +Curtain finally falls upon a blaze of light and a bewildering wealth of +legs. + +_Old Gentleman, in front row._ "Well, he! he! that's pretty good; he! he! +Devilish pretty girls some of 'em; he! he!" + +_Virtuous Matron._ "My dear, isn't it shameful. I never saw any thing so +disgusting." + +_Sceptical Husband._ "Then perhaps we'd better go at once." + +_Virtuous Matron._ "N--no. I'll sit through one more act, and see if it +gets any worse." + +_Fast Young Man._ "They're all padded, you know. You can't feel sure +about one of 'em. There were gals in the _Crook_ who used to pad their's +from here to here"--(_adds explanatory pantomime._) + +_Travelled Man, who has been to Paris._ "These girls can't dance, I +assure you. Now, at the Châtelet they do these things differently." + +_Admiring Friend to Travelled Man._ "What spectacles did you see at the +Châtelet?" + +_Travelled Man,_ (who was in Paris only two days, and never saw even the +outside of the theatre.) "It was--let me see--Oh! _Moses in Egypt_ was +the name of the piece. It was gorgeous; full of Egyptian scenery, and +Egyptian dancing girls and things." + +_Admiring Friend, (with aggravating persistence.)_ "Do you mean +Rossini's _Moses_?" + +_Travelled Man, (quite desperate.)_ "Of course! He's the rival of +OFFENBACH, you know. But come, let's go and take something." + +(_They go, the faith of the Admiring Friend in the Travelled Man's +veracity being, however, perceptibly shaken._) + +Three more acts follow. ULRIC makes a dozen wishes, all of which are +gratified, and all of which have the inevitable effect of transporting +him into scenes pervaded by the female leg to an extent that easily +reconciles him to the successive loss of five years of his life. He +finally becomes King of Egypt, and, after having fought against the +Crusaders in defence of those well-known Mohammedan gods, ISIS and +OSIRIS, is carried down a trap by exulting demons. An Intolerable Comic +Man opens up hitherto unknown wastes of dreariness, and sings a comic +song that is positively more tedious than an article from the _Nation_. +The Demoniac Servant is continually shot up through spring traps, in +order to remark, "Ha! ha!" and to immediately disappear again. The Aged +Mother travels from Flanders to Egypt without changing her dress or +combing her back hair, for the vain purpose of begging "ULLERIC" to +repent. Consumptive Knights fight terrific broad-sword duels with a +thirst for combat that beer alone is subsequently able to allay. The +Virtuous HEROINE displays a very neat pair of ankles, but without +winning "ULLERIC" from the devil of his ways. Half a dozen ballets are +successively introduced, in which the skirts of the dancers are seen to +decrease as rapidly and steadily as the stripes on ULRIC'S magic collar. +Finally, a grand Transformation Scene, which has nothing whatever to do +with the play, exhibits the best legs of the company in the most +favorable attitudes, and the green baize curtain falls upon the great +spectacle of the day. + +_Virtuous Matron._ "Well, I never! It's positively indecent. I'd like to +take a whip to those shameless hussies." + +_Sceptical Husband._ "PAGE offered me a proscenium box the other day. +Suppose we take it to-morrow night?" + +_Virtuous Matron._ "I'll go to please you, my dear. And really the +scenery is pretty." + +_Wretched Man, who is shameless enough to admit that he likes it._ "I +like it. The ballet's good, the scenery is splendid, and the music might +be worse. Why don't these ladies, who come here and sit it through, have +the honesty to admit that they come because they like it? But no; they +go away, and at the next party, where they wear dresses lower in the +neck than any I've seen on the stage to night, they'll abuse the poor +girls who have danced here for their amusement. Their malignant modesty +does not deserve the respect of an intelligent _figurante_. If they are +sincere, why do they come here?" + +Which question still puzzles the perturbed mind of + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Give 'em Rope. + +We clip the following from the _Express_: + +"There seem to be more legal loopholes for convicted murderers to escape +through than for any other class of criminals." + +That is too true, by a great deal. There should be but one "legal +loophole" for a convicted murderer, and the authorities should not let +him escape through the loop of it--they should Knot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MOVING INCIDENT. + +_Pat, (to Bridget.)_ "TAKE YOUR MASTHER'S TRUNK TO THE RAILROAD, IS IT? +OCH! BOTHER--DON'T YOU SEE I'M MOVIN' A FAMILY?"] + + * * * * * + +THE "TOBACCO PARLIAMENT" OF OHIO. + +For genial law-making in America commend us to the Ohio House of +Representatives. While we haven't learned that the legislation of this +august body has been particularly hazy of late, we think it must have +been wholesome, for we are assured that much of it has been thoroughly +"fumigated" through the exertions of the majority of its members, who +perform their functions with pipes in their mouths, while drawn up in +semi-circle around a couple of fire-places built expressly for their +accommodation--"one on each side of the speaker's desk," Who _wouldn't_ +legislate, (and early, too,) if he could do it with his feet on the +fender, his well-flavored Havana or best Virginia leaf in his mouth, and +the privilege of cracking jokes and telling naughty stories _ad +interim?_ Go it, ye Buckeye lawmakers! Shall we hear of any sympathy for +Cuba in that quarter? + + * * * * * + +A "Woman's Physic." + +(MRS. C--N TO MRS. MCF--D.) + +"My Darling, I have found a panacea for all woes, In Man: + + _When one man will not suit or stay, + Then get another, right away."_ + + * * * * * + +CABLE NEWS. + +[EXCLUSIVELY FOR PUNCHINELLO.] + +GREAT BRITAIN. + +The Great PUNCHINELLO dinner has come off! JENKINS was there, and was to +have telegraphed an account. But he was not so well as usual the next +day, the Thames water having got into his head. JENKINS never _could_ +take much water. So your correspondent is obliged to trust to his +memory--unaffected by the water, which he did not take. + +Old London Tavern was the scene of this banquet, given by the _literati_ +of England in honor of the long-wished-for coming of PUNCHINELLO. The +dining-hall was decorated for the occasion with appropriate portraits. +There were HOGARTH, CERVANTES, ADDISON, MOLIÈRE, SWIFT, STERNE, +GOLDSMITH, TOM HOOD, IRVING, THACKERAY, DICKENS, and ARTEMUS WARD. A +number of the waiters were costumed in character. From my seat, I +recognized SAM WELLER, (right behind me;) the Fat Boy of _Pickwick;_ +SANCHO PANZA, and JEAMES YELLOWPLUSH. + +Mr. PUNCH was represented at the head of the table so well that you +could know him at once from his weekly frontispiece. On one side of him +sat CHARLES DICKENS; on the other, your humble ambassador. It would be +rather invidious to name the other hundred guests; not to be there was +to be nowhere in literature. Near me there sat Lord LYTTON, TOM HUGHES, +PRÉVOST PARADOL, EDMOND ABOUT, CHARLES KINGSLEY, PAUL FÉVAL, and the +Rev. JOHN CUMMING. + +Asking, in a whisper, of Mr. PUNCH how the latter very staid individual +came to be there, I understood that, of all the absurd men of this +century, he was selected as the most representatively preposterous. The +PRINCE OF WALES was not asked, lest his morals might be hurt by +something that was said. And it is so important, you know, for the +British nation--(for the rest, see the _Saturday Review_.) And then +Madame GEORGE SAND was to be there, who sometimes wears trowsers. + +MATTHEW ARNOLD was spoken to about it; but he replied gruffly, + +"PUNCHINELLO is Goliath of the Philistines!" and declined. + +JOHN STUART MILL was too busy over his next book, which is to be "On the +Subjection of Horses." But every body else was there, so we did not miss +these grave and reverend seigniors. + +How the twenty-five courses came on and went off, from the ox-tail soup +and salmon to the dessert, it would need the tongue or pen of SOYER or +PIERRE BLOT to narrate; as it needed the capacity of a FALSTAFF to do +justice to them. And then, when the cover was removed, came the time of +trial to your correspondent. "The Queen" and "the President" were drunk +with all the honors. Then Mr. PUNCH called out, through his magnificent +old nose, so that you might have heard him across the Channel, "Health +and long life to PUNCHINELLO!" + +Now, your correspondent had remembered Mr. HAWTHORNE'S experience at a +Lord Mayor's dinner, and had begged Mr. PUNCH by all means to let him +off without a speech. But, more worldly-wise than HAWTHORNE, he didn't +believe that Mr. PUNCH would keep his promise; so he had prepared a +speech, beginning, "Not anticipating any occasion to open my lips in +this illustrious company, you must allow me to speak altogether on the +impulse of the moment." (Hear, hear.) So this had to be delivered; but +for the rest of it, and of the dinner, you must wait for my next +telegram. Mr. PUNCH is going to have the speech published in pamphlet +form, for distribution among his numerous constituents. So, now for the +rest of my _news_. + +FRANCE. + +The PRINCE OF MONACO has declared war against France. OLLIVIER proposes +to send the PRINCE IMPERIAL to extinguish him with a corps of infantry, +armed with popguns; no one to be admitted to the corps who is more than +four years old. MONACO aspires to be a sort of LOPEZ. + +TURKEY. + +Sultan ABDUL AZIZ has just had a visit from a friend of JOHN BRIGHT'S. +To the surprise of every body, even his most intimate friends, the +Sultan immediately made up his mind to turn Quaker! He came down stairs, +and went into mosque, the other day, with a broad-brimmed hat, straight +coat, and drab trowsers; and insisted on all the ladies of his _hareem_ +putting on plain bonnets, and holding a "silent meeting" in the +Seraglio! How it bothered them to do that last thing you may well +suppose! More anon, from PRIME. + + * * * * * + +A Bit of Fish. + +SECRETARY FISH is said to preserve a decidedly spruce appearance +at the State Dinners. Fish is nothing if not Fin-ical. + + * * * * * + +FISH SAUCE. + +The sight of a thick, four-pound steak, just cut from a halibut that +must have weighed, (the idea of a fish wading!) some two hundred pounds, +reminds us that trout-fishing is just now in full operation. What a +strange, weird mystery there is about mental associations! Long, long +ago, we possessed a favorite trout-rod fitted with a Hollow Butt, and so +it is that whenever we see a Halibut, trouting comes to our mind. + +Yesterday, frogs were croaking, and insects all in green livery, with +gilt buttons, contributed to Nature's Great Boston Jubilee of music with +their hum. How ridiculous it seems that insects should have a hum!--and +yet the Bee has its Hum in its hive. + +It is at this season that enthusiastic anglers always get water on the +brain. Their dreams are of gurgling brooks. They have visions of +mill-ponds, with beautiful little cascades sluicing into them over dams. +They stand, in imagination, on bridges, in the eddies beneath which they +discern the wagging of silvery tails and rosy fins; and a very common +form of nightmare with them is to fancy that the reel of the fishing-rod +won't work, just as they are going to wind up a four-pound trout. + +Now, also, is the time when friend gives much advice to friend on the +subject of the "gentle art." (A trout's opinion on this branch of art, +by the by, would be worth having. Perhaps he might not consider it so +gentle.) + +One student of the angle will say to another, "Always fish up the +stream. Fish lie with their heads to the current and their tails in the +opposite direction: therefore, by casting up-stream, you run the less +chance of being seen by them." + +Another says, "Be sure you make your casts down-stream; your bob-flies +like it better, as you can see by the way they dance on the ripples." + +Quoth another, "Always soak your casting-lines with water before you +start for the river-side;" while a fourth instructs you never to +straighten your lines with water, but by passing them through a piece of +India rubber doubled between the finger and thumb. + +_Our_ advice is, Never cast against the wind. In fact, you can't do it; +and if you try it, you run the risk of getting _strabismus_--that is, +the Cast in your eye. Artificial flies, like artificial flowers, never +should follow nature. Manufacturers of both articles perfectly +understand this; and hence the superiority of their productions to the +mere realities that flutter and bloom for their brief hour, and then +die. There is nothing in entomology so beautiful as a well-busked trout +or salmon fly. And then it is comparatively indestructible. Take a +natural May Fly and squeeze it in your hand. It is reduced to a pulp. +Try the same experiment with an artificial one, and its plumage remains +unruffled--which is more than you do, since the chance is that you will +have to employ a surgeon to extract the hook from the ball of your +thumb. + +[Illustration: "SHOO! FLY."] + +We are assured by a broker, who, in Spring-time, always becomes a +brooker, that by far the surest lure for a large trout is the Greenback +Fly. He is acquainted with a man who, whenever he goes a-fishing, always +has a four-pound trout to pack in ice and send up to a friend in the +city. By post, a letter is dispatched to the same quarter, containing a +warm description of the playing and landing of that noble fish. The +sender usually states that he captured it with the famous fly known to +anglers as the Green Drake. Facts are against him, though; and it is +well understood by his friends that the fish was first taken by some +poaching rascal with a scoop-net, and subsequently hooked by the angler +with a five-dollar Greenback Fly. + +Nothing in life is more beautiful than a five-dollar Greenback +Fly--except, of course, a ten-dollar one, or one of indefinitely larger +denomination. + +Provided with this most charming and effective of lures, the angler is +always sure to fill his creel. He incurs no fatigue in doing so, +either, for all the boys of the village become his humble servants to +command; and if there be a four-pound trout in the miller's pond, he is +sure to hook it with the Greenback Fly, while the boys generally "hook +it" also, lest the miller should catch them at their tricks. + +_How to make the Greenback Fly_--Give it to your wife. Much has been +said concerning the efficacy of the Water Fly as a lure. For our own +part, we have not tried it. We know rather less about it than we do +about the Water Cure; but we cheerfully print the following directions +on the subject, taken from the fly-leaf of an old book. + +_How to make the Water Fly_: Fall into it. + + * * * * * + +HALL AND HAYES. + +The friends of Dr. HAYKS and those of Captain HALL are engaged in a +heated discussion as to which of the two ought to be sent by Congress in +search of the North Pole. As the public does not know who is right and +who is wrong, we present our readers with the arguments of each party; +so that they can decide which explorer is the man for the post--we +should say, pole. + +WHAT THE HAYES PARTY SAYS. + +1. The Pole being surrounded by water, must be reached by boats. HAYES +is a sailor and HALL is not. Therefore HAYES is the man to sail to the +Pole. + +2. HAYES is a Bostonian; HALL is a Western man. Bostonians are famed for +their skill in prying into every thing; while Western men stupidly mind +their own business. Therefore HAYES is naturally fitted to become an +explorer. + +3. HALL spent his time while in the Arctic Region in the society of +Esquimaux. HAYES attended to his ship, and lived on pork and beef +like a Christian. Therefore HAYES is the better man. + +4. HAYES understands the use of instruments, and can take observations +of the temperature of hot springs, if any are found. HALL knows nothing +about instruments, and could not tell the time by a barometer if his +life depended upon it. Therefore HAYES should be the Congressional +favorite. + +5. HALL is hot-tempered and once killed one of his crew. HAYES is a cool +man and never killed any body, except as a medical practitioner. Cool +men are at home in the Arctic Region. Therefore send HAYES. + +WHAT THE HALL PARTY SAYS. + +1. If the Pole is surrounded by water, it must be a visible point of +land. HALL is a landsman, and therefore the proper man to send in search +of land. To send a sailor like HAYES in quest of land would be absurd. +Therefore HALL is the right man. + +2. HALL is a steady, hardworking, energetic Western man. HAYES is a +meddling Yankee. Of course HALL is the better man for carrying out a +difficult enterprise. + +3. HALL has lived in the Arctic land as the Arctic people do; while +HAYES knows nothing of the people of that region. Therefore HALL is by +far the best man to send. + +4. HAYES can have no use for his instruments in a place where there is +nothing but ice. HAYES would, therefore, only add to the cost of the +expedition. HALL can take all necessary observations with his eyes, which +cost Congress nothing and are easily carried. Therefore HALL is by all +odds the man for the expedition. + +5. If HALL is hot-tempered, so much the better. He will keep warm with +less consumption of fuel. That he killed a mutineer is proof of his +resolute adherence to discipline. HAYES would never enforce discipline +if he dared to inflict no more punishment for mutiny than a draught of +Epsom salts. Therefore HALL is plainly the man to command an exploring +party. + +Here we have the arguments which both sides advance, and our readers can +easily make up their minds. As for ourselves, the true course for +Congress to pursue seems so plainly evident that if we were asked which +is the best man, the Doctor or the Captain, we should unhesitatingly +answer in the negative. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CINCINNATUS SWEENY.] + + +CINCINNATUS SWEENY + +(Adapted from AUTHOR'S Classical Dictionary, p. 351.) + +"CINCINNATUS had retired to his patrimony, aloof from popular tumults. +The successes of the Equi, (young Democracy,) however, rendered the +appointment of a Dictator necessary, and CINCINNATUS was chosen to that +high office. He laid aside his rural habiliments, assumed the ensigns of +absolute power, levied a new army, marched all night to bring the +necessary succor to the Consul MINCIUS, (W. M. TWEED,) who was +surrounded by the enemy and blockaded in his camp, (Albany,) and before +morning surrounded the enemy's army, and reduced it to a condition +exactly similar to that in which the Romans had been placed. The baffled +Equi were glad to submit to the victor's terms, and CINCINNATUS, +returning in, triumph to Rome, (New-York,) laid down his dictatorial +power after having held it only fourteen days, and returned to his farm" +(Central Park.) + + * * * * * + +SPRING FEVER, + + In such a joyous way? + If it were as you say, + Wouldn't _I_ know it, who know every thing! + + "Ethereal mildness!" Pshaw! what nonsense, man! + Pooh! "Gentle spring," indeed! + It makes my liver bleed + To hear you talk as only idiots can. + + But you're no idiot, THOMSON; _that_ I'll say! + I'll yield another bit: + I'm ready to admit + The Seasons may have altered since your day. + + At any rate, JAMES, in the windy West + (Which wasn't in your eye-- + At least, not frequently) + Your boasted Spring is _not_ a gentle guest. + + My patience, no! She's the reverse of that! + Ah! hear her savage roar; + (So often heard before!) + And there (confound it!) goes my new Spring hat. + + Alas! what means this stupid somnolence? + Why do my pulses go + So "melancholy slow"? + Why can't I think? why always "on the fence"? + + O dews and fogs! O rain and snow and slush! + O various other things! + My soul! what need of wings: + Yes, "Spring's delights" are coming with a rush! + + But stay, friend THOMSON--what you say is true: + Here _is_ a nice warm day! + The breezes softly play-- + Then why, oh! _why_ then, do I feel so blue? + + One "would not die in Spring-time," certainly-- + Nor any other season, + For the same reason-- + But if one can't eat dinner, why _not_ die? + + Is there no panacea for such ills? + Oh! yes, a jolly one: + I find it in the dun! + In landlords', butchers', grocers', tailors' bills! + + * * * * * + +The Difference. + +GOLDEN calves were worshipped by men of old. Modern men prefer to +worship saw-dust calves. + + * * * * * + +Dramatic Query. + +Is Canada to be the Theatre of a Fenian War? It seems that the Canadian +Volunteers think so; and, to do justice to the performance, they have +taken possession of the whole Front-tier. + + * * * * * + +The Original Bow. + +The EL-bow. + + * * * * * + +Not the Chimney for a Studio. + +ONE that won't Draw. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SICK EAGLE. + +COLUMBIA. "DO LET THE POOR BIRD OUT, MR. B.; HE DROOPS SADLY." + +Mr. BOOTWELL. "REALLY I DON'T SEE ANY THING THE MATTER WITH HIM, MA'AM. +HIS CAGE IS ALL GOLD, AND HE SURELY OUGHT TO BE CONTENTED."] + + * * * * * + +AN EXCELLENT OLD SONG MADE NEW. + +BY A DEFAULTER. + + Is there for his dishonesty + Who hangs his head, and a' that? + The coward slave, we pass him by, + And dare to steal for a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Our grabs and games, and a' that, + Our business is to make a pile + And swindle SAM, and a' that. + + What though the people curse and swear + At losing gold, and a' that? + Their fiercest wrath we'll proudly bear, + And cash is cash for a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Their lawyers, courts, and a' that. + The lucky rogue who wins his pile + Is king of men for a' that. + + The President knows how to beat + In battle, siege, and a' that; + But we're the lads for swift retreat, + Although he growl, and a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Our bonds and oaths and a' that, + A bouncing swag's the better thing + For gentlemen, and a' that. + + Then let us pray that come it may, + As come it shall for a' that, + That plundering gents may keep the sway, + And help themselves, and a' that. + For a' that and a' that. + Leg bail's the thing, and a' that; + For travelling improves the mind, + The body saves, and a' that. + + * * * * * + +THE THIRTEENTH MAN IN THE OMNIBUS. + +The New-York omnibus was constructed to seat and carry twelve persons; +certainly not more. Indeed, when twelve men, of nominal size, sit +squarely on the seats and do not clownishly cross their legs, one may +ride in an omnibus with comfort. Nay, with these conditions, he _may_ +generally escape having his toes crushed, his shins kicked, his shoes +soiled, or his trowsers daubed with mud by his neighbor. But alas! how +often is this paradisiacal state disturbed by the intrusion of "the +thirteenth man in the omnibus." + +Shall I attempt to portray the creature? He is pretty well known, and +perhaps the picture will be recognized. Sometimes he may be seen +standing at the corner of the street lying in wait for the "bus." He is +never known to walk toward its starting-place, lest he might be +confounded with the "twelve" by getting inside before the seats are +filled. No; he is "nothing if not" odd. His very hat never sits squarely +upon his head like the hat of a gentleman. It is either elevated in +front like a sophomore's, or depressed on one side, as if he had just +come from a cheap spree in the Bowery, or was troubled with some +obtrusive "bump" that kept his hat awry. If by chance he gets a seat +inside the omnibus, (as "accidents will happen," etc.,) he must cross +his legs and wipe the mud from his ill-shod feet upon your trowsers or +your wife's dress. + +Indeed, methinks it was he who invented sitting cross-legged in a public +vehicle. Do savages ever sit thus when in close company? I have never +been able to imagine what special human sin this ingenious mode of +annoyance was meant to punish. It has been suggested that it might be +the man's pantomimic protest against sitting at all. But the saddest +commentary upon this vice of our hero is, that by some mysterious +magnetism of awkwardness and ill-breeding, he has betrayed into +imitation of it men whose early education has been less neglected than +his own. + +Sometimes, as he gets into the "'bus," he carries in his hand or mouth +the stump of a half-burned, extinct cigar, which fills the atmosphere +with a rank and sickening odor. More frequently he is dressed in +well-worn black, and his clothes reek with noisome exhalations of stale +tobacco-smoke. Shall I finish his picture? I verily believe he is the +original Loafer. + +Methinks I see him in my mind's eye. I am riding in a Broadway ominibus. +I have just handed up my fare, and, taking my seat, have surrendered +myself to a sweet half-hour of reverie. I disdain to spoil my eyes or +waste my time by newspaper-reading. I dream, and save my time for better +things, as I conceive. + +The stage is full. "Twelve inside." The driver does not seem to get +along. He is constantly stopping or turning his horses to the sidewalk, +right or left. You wonder what is the matter. You begin to think the +whole town is striving to get a ride down with you in that particular +"'bus." At every street-corner we linger or stop. Suddenly the door is +pulled open with a jerk and our enemy leaps in. He sees the seats are +filled, but he does not hesitate. There is always room for him. Indeed, +his "spirit rises with the occasion." He becomes pertinacious as he is +offensive. He tramples upon more than one pair of feet in his struggle +to reach the middle of the omnibus. The passengers patiently submit to +the intrusion with that quiet good nature with which Americans usually +suffer imposition invasive of good manners, or petty social rights. They +seem to feel they can "stand it" if he can. + +His mode of paying his fare evolves a climax of unconscious +impertinence. In order to have free use of one hand to pass up his +money, he grasps cane or umbrella with the other hand, by which he holds +the pendent strap. By this means he loses control of the lower end of +his stick, which thereby becomes an automatic instrument of torture, +menacing your face and eyes in quite a savage way. Indeed, his apparent +unconsciousness that he is a nuisance, and ought to be kicked out, +really approaches the sublime. + +He is a pet of the driver, of course. Some innocent people wonder that +the drivers of omnibuses or cars should feel so very charitably disposed +toward the human family in general, as to take up extra passengers when +all seats are filled. Short-sighted mortals! Do you not see it! The more +passengers, beyond the complement of the "'bus," the more perquisites +for an ill-requited profession. + +To return to our black sheep. Look where he stands. As he grows weary, +he grasps the straps on either side to steady him. His attitude is a +cunningly devised mode of tormenting his fellow-passengers. Either elbow +of our nondescript just reaches the hat of your opposite neighbor or +yourself. With each jolt of the stage, by a little dexterity of +movement, or want of it, he can knock the hats over the eyes of two +persons at a time, and by a little shifting of his position he can +frequently bring down four by a single spasmodic lunge. When he is +fresher, as in the morning, and can hold his own weight, he falls in his +more natural posture. Would you know what that may be? Did you ever +observe one of the descendants of the Lost Tribes who inhabit Chatham +street dreamily waiting for a passing rustic? He is apparently in a +comatose state. His abdomen is drawn in; his body is bent like a section +of a hoop; his eyes are cast down; while both his hands are thrust +deeply into his trowser's pockets. + +But I grow weary of the subject, and stop by commending the Thirteenth +Man in the Omnibus to curiosity-hunters as a fungus growth of humanity +nursed by over-virtuous forbearance. + + * * * * * + +Hyperborean. + +The hyperbole of bores it is, to bore Congress for a hundred thousand +dollars to go to the Pole! If Captain HALL wants adventure, let him +travel to the Halls of the MONTEZUMAS. If he wishes only to be left out +in the cold, let him go to Chili; or else up in a balloon; or let him +make himself Republican candidate for something in New York. We believe +the North Pole would rather be let alone. The whole subject is, at all +events, too HAYES-y just now to be comprehended. There is a sort of +KANE-ine madness, which shows itself not in fear of water but in an +insane disposition to do big things on ice. Haul off, Captain HALL! + + * * * * * + +Meteorological Query. + +Is a temperance lecture synonymous with a Water Spout? + + * * * * * + +THE SPIRIT OF THE NAVY. + +ITS PORTER. ITS SAILS. + +_Impressions of an Outsider_. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: According to your instructions, your correspondent +proceeded to Washington, and there interviewed our present efficient +Secretary of the Navy, Admiral PORTER. I found him in his office, +surrounded by bills-of-sale of main-tops, carronades, iron-clads, +bo'sen's whistles, navy-yards, and other naval articles, the proceeds of +which were needed for the future experiments of the Department. These +papers were being bound up into bundles and stowed away by his +assistant, ROBESON. + +After the ordinary greetings had passed between the admiral and your +correspondent, the following conversation ensued: + +_Cor_. Admiral, what do you think of the Fifteenth Amendment? + +_Ad_. All right. When Americans want votes, I say, give 'em to 'em. + +_Cor_, (_A little apprehensively._) Votes are different from boats, then, +admiral? + +_Ad_. Certainly. What do the negroes want with boats? + +_Cor_. How are you satisfied, Mr. Secretary, with the plan of always +providing you with a civilian as an assistant? + +_Ad_. I don't like it. Can't help it, though. This one, however, +(_pointing his thumb over his shoulder at_ ROBESON,) don't give me much +trouble. Quiet man. + +_Cor_. What do you think of the condition of Cuba, + +_Ad_. Very nice indeed! Got Admiral POOR out there, cruising around. +Just like a picnic, you know. + +_Cor_. Are you in favor of the recognition of Cuban Independence? + +_Ad_. No, sir! What's the good? POOR might have to come home, then. + +_Cor_. You think, then, that recognition would not be a Poor policy? + +_Ad_. Yes--no! No--yes! Doormat! You know what I mean. + +_Cor_.(_quickly_.) Oh! yes. Certainly, sir! But what is your opinion upon +the woman question? + +_Ad_. Don't care a snap. Let 'em vote. Won't make a difference 'board +ship. + +_Cor_. You think, then that women will never be sailors, Admiral? + +_Ad_. Nothing they could do. Except to trim the boats; look out for the +mizen sheets or somethg o' that kind. Couldn't expect 'em, even in a +calm, to be brisk in manning the yards, much less martingales. + +_Cor_. What is your opinion, Admiral, of SHERIDAN'S work among the +Piegans? + +_Ad_. (_laughing_). Neat job. How was that for Lo? + +_Cor_. Good. Do you believe the Pope's infallible, Admiral? + +_Ad_. The Pope's what? + +_Cor_. Do you think that there is no such word as fail with PIO Nono? + +_Ad_. No, no! + +_Cor_. The Empress EUGENIE, Admiral, and Queen VICTORIA--which do you +think is the prettiest of these women? + +_Ad_. Never saw 'em swimmin'. Can't say. + +_Cor_. What is your opinion about McFARLAND? Was he justifiable, think +you? + +_Ad_. No! Poor shot. + +_Cor_. Have you seen _Frou Frou_, Admiral? + +_Ad_. Yes. In New-York. + +Cor. How did you like it, sir? + +_Ad_. Not much. Do for folks whose taste for that sort of thing is DAILY +bred. + +_Cor_. What do you think of oar new City Charter? + +_Ad_. Is it a ship? + +_Cor_. Yes, sir. It is a sort of hardship for New-York. + +_Ad_. Well, the city must be used to that. Will take in its ale pretty +much as usual, I reckon. + +_Cor_. What, sir, do you think of Chicago? + +_Ad_. Ah! go way. + +_Cor_. (_oblivious of hint_.) Where do you buy your pantaloon stuff, Mr. +Secretary? + +_Ad_. (_sharply_.) Where the woodbine twineth. + +_Cor_. Admiral, have you any children? + +_Ad_. (_loudly_.) ROBESON! + +_Cor_. My dear sir, you surprise me! Is he your son? + +_Ad_. (_to assistant_.) ROBESON! Did you see MIKE HAINES? + +_Cor_. One moment. Admiral! Let me ask of you, in which, if any, of our +New-York companies is your life insured; and do you wear the patent +perforated buckskin?-- + +Here the interview terminated. Your correspondent suddenly discovered +that he would have barely time to catch the N. Y. Express, and he took +leave with a renewed respect for the spirit of our Navy and its head. + +SNIQUE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COME, GENTLE SPRING. + +SPRING has come. Now is the time to ask your friends for seed and roots, +and to tell somebody they ought to see about the garden. Turn your +chickens into your neighbors' grounds, and the cow too, if you think she +would like to go there. Now also is the time for house-cleaning, as well +as for settling up one's affairs generally; so, after you have called in +all the money due you, and paid out as little as possible, perhaps you +had better go out West for a week or so.] + + * * * * * + +The sort of Liquor most apt to Tell upon a Man. + +PEACH Brandy. + + * * * * * + +Opinions of the Press. + +The _Sun_ thinks that the World's end would be a god-send. + +It also thinks that the Tribune is a try weakly and unique daily, +besides being a four centenary. + +It thinks that the fact of the _Times_ being out of Joint is the reason +it is getting the cold Shoulder from its subscribers. + +It thinks that the _Herald_ is not the leading paper, though it may have +Ben-it. + +It thinks that the _Sun_ is awful shiny. + + * * * * * + +The Politician's Half-and-Half. + +DEMAGOGUE and Demijohn. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +LOFTY Mr. SUMNER wished to know what Mr. CARPENTER meant by pursuing +him. He was used to being blackguarded by the enemies of his country, +but now he was hounded in the house of his friends. He had looked +through the whole Congressional Library and failed to find a precedent +for the course of the carping CARPENTER, except in the case of the +classic chap who had warmed a viper which had turned again and rent him. +He did not mean to say that Mr. CARPENTER was a viper, but he thought +nobody but an Adder would put this and that together as Mr. CARPENTER +had done. + +Mr. CARPENTER said that the passion of his friend from Boston for +maundering about himself amounted to a mild mania. All he had done was +to suggest that SUMNER had upheld States Rights twenty years ago, and +now pretended that he was never any such person. + +Mr. SUMNER said that twenty years ago the States Rights boot was upon +the other leg. ÆNEAS SILVIUS had well observed that it made a heap of +difference whose ox was gored, and HORACE had pointed out the difference +between tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee. Unless his reading of the +Cyclopedia had failed to inform him, he believed that there was a game +known as "Heads I win, tails you lose." That was his little game. When +Massachusetts States Rights were invoked to aid the colored man, States +Rights were good. When Southern States Rights were invoked to crush the +colored man, States Rights were bad. As for him, give him liberty or +give him rats. + +Mr. HARLAN wished to know why the Pacific Railway grant should be +passed. No officer of that railway had been to see him about it. He did +not believe in legislation of this kind. If a thing were worth having, +it was certainly worth asking for. He had no objection to breaking old +"ties," but he was averse to paying for new ones, unless he had some +personal reason for it. He wished he were altogether in the same +position as some of his colleagues, including these "bonds." + +WILSON, and CASSERLY, and THURMAN, and THAYER said that HARLAN was of no +account, and that was the reason why he had not been "seen." As long as +a majority was prepared, it was wasting money to conciliate any body +else. + +Mr. DRAKE said he had a better thing than the Pacific Railway. It was a +bill to provide that the Army and Navy of the United States might be put +on a war-footing on the application of any three colored persons. This +did not seem to be profitable, but it was. The profit in it was a JOB, +but much subtler than in the Pacific Railway. He hoped Senators would +see the illimitable vistas of patronage opened by the bill. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. BUTLER insisted upon his bill to annex Dominica. Somebody had said +that we had plenty of Dominicans already in the Southern States. This +was net so. He wanted to be Governor-General of Dominica. It was true +that silverware was not rife in that island, but there was an infinitude +of potential voters, who could be converted into coin. The House refused +to see it, however, and proceeded to discuss the case of SYPHER. Mr. +BROOKS said SYPHER was nothing. He did not see how SYPHER, who was a +nullity, could be figured out to be a member of Congress. Besides, +SYPHER lived in Pennsylvania. + +Mr. KELLEY said that was the very reason why SYPHER should be admitted. +Every body knew, who knew any thing of arithmetic, that a SYPHER in the +proper place amounted to a great deal. He would like to know what +objection there was to Pennsylvanians representing Louisiana? A +Pennsylvanian was sure to be right on the tariff, and a Louisianian was +sure to be wrong. Therefore a Pennsylvanian was a much better +representative than a Louisianian. Besides, SYPHER's hands were not red +with loyal blood, neither had he waded knee-deep in patriotic gore. + +Mr. BUTLER wanted to annex Dominica. + +Mr. Cox said he did not object to SYPHER'S coming in because he was a +Pennsylvanian. He was an Ohio man, and represented a New-York district. +But be thought there were too many SYPHERS here now. An integer or two +would be more useful to maintain the integrity of the House. + +Mr. BUTLER said he would like to introduce a bill to annex Dominica. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said he didn't care any thing about the merits of the +case. He knew the committee was all right. It was a martter of comity to +go with the committee. If the House added a SYPHER, it would increase +their strength ten fold. + +Mr. STOKES said he would not weep for SYPHER if he were rejected. But he +would sigh for SYPHER, if he could cipher SYPHER in. + +Mr. BUTLER moved a bill to annex Dominica. + +SYPHER tried to swear himself in, but he had been so much irritated by +the previous proceedings that he found that he had sworn himself out. + +The House adjourned, except Mr. BUTLER, who was preparing a bill to +annex Dominica. + + * * * * * + +A REMONSTRANCE. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: In the _Express_ of Saturday, April 17th, I read the +following announcement, printed at the foot of the regular weather +table, furnished for that journal by Professor THATCHER: + +"Prediction.--It will not rain within 3¾ days from 8 P.M. + +"A. E. THATCHER." + +The positive character of this prediction made it very, welcome. My wife +and myself had been invited by friends in Westchester County to go to +their house on Saturday evening, stay all night, and pass the following +day--Easter-Sunday--with them. We had nearly made up our minds to do it. +They are very pleasant folks to visit, especially about Easter time; for +the man of the house has a mania for hens, and, being a dyer by trade, +his poultry, using the refuse of the drugs instead of gravel to aid +their digestion, lay natural painted eggs of the most varied and +delicate tints. If I am strict in any matter of religion, it is with +regard to having a blow-out of eggs at Easter. My wife is as fond of +eggs as myself, (the yolk sits lightly, she says, which is a joke upon +yoke,) and she required no egging on to persuade her to accept the +invitation. We were doubtful about the weather, though; but the +"Professor's" prediction decided us, and we went. + +I thought it felt mighty like rain as we walked the short distance from +the railway station to our host's. I had rain-pains in my back, and my +wife said her corns were shooting. Nor did our punctual aches deceive +us. Between that Saturday night and Easter-Sunday morning it began to +rain. Easter-Sunday was the wettest day I remember ever to have +experienced. There was no "let up" of the deluge throughout that day +and Easter-Monday. We--my wife and I--are suffering dreadfully from the +effects of Easter-eggs, which we were obliged to devour by the stack +merely to kill time, as we could not walk out. Should we die, I will let +you know; but really it was too bad of "Professor" THATCHER. + +WEATHERBOUND. + +P.S.--Who is "Professor" THATCHER? + + * * * * * + +THE BIRD OF WISDOM IN IOWA. + +Civilization, it seems, is making some headway in Iowa. Boys are no +longer allowed to shoot small birds there, especially song-birds. And so +the little warblers can pipe it all day, if they like, and when they +grow tired and hungry, they are welcome to refresh their small systems +at the strawberry beds. There is one feature of the regulation in +question, however, that does pain us. While vocal and fly-gobbling +talents are tenderly fostered, dignified Wisdom is not only neglected, +but persecuted. Our old friend the Owl is reputed by the people of Iowa +to be rather particular in his diet, (as all wise creatures are,) and to +prefer a nice young spring chicken to almost any other "delicacy of the +season"--a proof of wisdom and refinement that proved too much for the +people of Iowa. And so they have left the poor old Owl out of the +protective enactment; and it is not only legal to shoot him, but +meritorious. The legislators could have stood the wisdom, perhaps by +itself; and possibly they might have respected the taste; but the +combination troubled them, and could not, of course, be tolerated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE MERRY FIRST OF MAY." + +_First Young Wife_. "OH! THIS HORRID HOUSE-MOVING--AN'T YOU DISTRACTED +ABOUT IT, DEAR?" + +_Second Ditto_. "O DEAR! NO. WE HAVE ARRANGED IT NICELY. CHARLES WILL +SEE TO THE FURNITURE AND THINGS, AND I WILL SUPERINTEND THE REMOVAL OF +FIDO MYSELF."] + + * * * * * + +HOW A DISCIPLE OF FOX BECAME A LOVER OF BULL. + +PHILADELPHIA, 4th Month, 13th, 1870. + +FRIEND PUNCHINELLO: I know thee treats our good city with more +consideration than thy brother journalists, and so it is that I address +the on this occasion. Last night I listened to the fiddle of OLE BULL. I +had long known of this man, even from the time when I first attired +myself in a coat, (called by the world after the name of the abdomen of +a fish,) as one who + + --"skinned a cat + And put the fur around his hat." + +But having recently been made aware of the fact that this fiddler only +availed himself, in his vain exhibitions, of a part of the _felis_ which +was not necessary to its felicity after death, I determined to give a +portion of my worldly goods toward the building of a light-house on the +Norway coast, for which purpose, I heard it averred, this man's +performances were given; and I went to the building where the fiddling +was to be, to see if it were done with fidelity for this end. + +As I sat in the upper seats of the house, serenely elevated above the +vain throng, the man BULL appeared before me. His mien was humble and +his hair was of a gray tinge, which I attributed to the ceaseless +gratings of the instrument which he held on his arm, as carefully as if +it had been an immortal child. + +At first, though I labored conscientiously toward that end, I could +discover nothing in the sounds he made which reminded me in the least +degree of a Norwegian light-house. But suddenly I forgot that useful +monument. Against my will, I seemed to be wafted aloft, even to where +the seats were cheaper; and anon, I felt as though I disported among the +shameless figures on the ceiling of the house. I now forgot all things +earthly, even that suspicious bill which friend HOPKINS paid in to my +cashier on Second-day. Yea, my whole being became, as it were, strung +upon the entrails of a cat and tickled with the tail of horse. I felt as +if I were wafted aloft on a blanket of shivering scrapes while quivering +angels gently swung me among the stickery stars! And there I heard a +melody as though the edges of glass skies were softly rubbed together. +Then all was stiller, stiller, until methought I heard nothing but one +consumptive angel breathing in his sleep. But even that sound dribbled +away, until the last drop seemed to me about to be sucked down into a +hole at the bottom of the airy void, when suddenly there came a rush as +though a vast light-house of brass had fallen into a sea of tinkling +cymbals, and I jumped so violently that my spectacles slipped from off +my nose and fell among the vain ones below. + +A second time now came the fiddler forth, and soon methought I stood +within a surgeon's operating hall. The player drew his bow as though it +were a knife, gliding over the limb of a subject in a sleep. + +So keen the blade, so soft the touch, the sleeper did not wake! I +clutched my knees--my breath did cease! + +The skin divides! + +And still he sleeps. + +The muscles and the tendons fall apart! + +He moves not. + +Oh! That glittering blade + +It deeper goes! + +A--Ah! + +He wakes! + +He yells! + +Horror! And now, through flesh and bones that vengeful weapon grinds! + +'Mid screams and oaths! + +Down falls the leg... + +I staggered forward. My hat, which much clamor in the rear had not made +me remove, fell over the iron rail and plunged, resounding ike a sinful +drum, upon the head of a painted Jersey belle below. + +I heeded not, but groped me to the door. + +And now I write to thee, friend PUNCHINELLO. Can thee buy me such a +fiddle in New-York? Thy friend, + +VENTER CLUPLE. + + * * * * * + +A Puzzler. + +The Belgians, it is said, are anxious to have the letter _h_ dropped +from the French alphabet. As that contains no _w_, how, in the event of +a new elision, will the Parisians, who are so fond of English words, +manage to spell _wheelwright_? + + * * * * * + +A Blow that Hurteth not. + +The Blow of a flower. + + * * * * * + +A Pleasant Prospect. + +If the new Superintendent of the New-York Police Force is to be as +severely tried as was his predecessor, then, surely, JOURDAN will have +"a hard road to travel." + + * * * * * + + +"OUT OF THE STREETS." + + GEORGE W. MCLEAN am I, + And potent was my name, + Till TWEED and SWEENEY crossed my path + And spoiled my little game. + + Our city roads I supervised, + Long time, with pious care, + The people's Ways I strictly watched-- + Street, Avenue, and Square + + But now, from office rudely swept + By Legislative BILL, + The crossing-sweeper's broom I ply, + My empty pouch, to fill. + + * * * * * + +Honeymoons in the Air + +The rage for passing the honeymoon in a balloon appears to be on the +wane in this country. The reason for this may be that a majority of +those who enter wedlock find they "go up" soon enough without the aid of +a balloon. + + * * * * * + +Motto for Unsuccessful Croquet-Players. + +"Hoops deferred make the heart sick." + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. 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But this much | + | he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a study of less | + | than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the | + | newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects." | + | | + | FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS. | + | | + | "The principle may be explained in a line--it is first | + | learning the language, and then studying the grammer, and | + | then learning (or trying to learn) the language."--_Morning | + | Star_. | + | | + | "We know that there are some who have given Mr. | + | Prendergast's plan a trial, and discovered that in a few | + | weeks its results had surpassed all their | + | expectations."--_Record_. | + | | + | "A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced | + | us that the method is sound."--_Papers for the | + | Schoolmaster_. | + | | + | "The simplicity and naturalness of the system are | + | obvious."--_Herald_ (Birmingham.) | + | | + | "We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the | + | result in a reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_. | + | | + | FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS. | + | | + | "The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child | + | learns to talk."--_Troy Whig_. | + | | + | "We would advise all who are about to begin the study of | + | languages to give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_. | + | | + | "For European travellers this volume is | + | invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_. | + | | + | Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of | + | the United States on receipt of price. | + | | + | D. 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Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | + | | + | REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT | + | OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A | + | DESCRIPTIONS OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY | + | OF THE MOST INTERESTING. | + | By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. | + | 8vo. $6. | + | | + | HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS | + | LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. | + | By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | + | | + | HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF | + | LEARNING LANGUAGES. | + | | + | I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | + | II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | + | III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | + | IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. | + | Price, 50 cents each. | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | BURCH'S | + | | + | Merchant's Restaurant | + | | + | AND | + | | + | DINING-ROOM, | + | | + | 310 BROADWAY, | + | | + | BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS. | + | | + | _Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._ | + | | + | _Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._ | + | | + | _Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._ | + | | + | M.C. BURCH, of New-York. | + | | + | A. STOW, of Alabama. | + | | + | H.A. CARTER, of Massachusetts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | EXTRA PREMIUMS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | Upon receipt of Five Dollars we will send PRANG & Co.'s | + | Superb Chromo of | + | | + | "EASTER MORNING." | + | | + | Size, 6-3/4 x 10-1/4. (Selling price, $3.) Free by mail. And | + | a copy of | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO | + | | + | FOR ONE YEAR. | + | | + | For Ten Dollars the Larger Size of | + | | + | "EASTER MORNING." | + | | + | 14x21. (Selling price, $10.) Free by mail. And a copy of | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO | + | | + | FOR ONE YEAR. | + | | + | The regular subscription to PUNCHINELLO is Four Dollars, | + | payable in advance. | + | | + | This offer will be kept open only for a limited time, and | + | persons desirous to avail themselves of it will please | + | | + | SEND IN AT ONCE. | + | | + | Remittances should be made in Money Orders, Bank Checks, or | + | Drafts on New-York, or by Registered Letters. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: OUR PAVEMENTS. + +_Timid Tax-payer_. "WHAT! GOING TO PAVE THIS STREET AGAIN? WHY, IT WAS +NEWLY PAVED ONLY A WEEK AGO!" + +_Gentlemanly Contractor_. "PAVED? NOT MUCH! FOUNDATION LAID, ONLY; AND +NOW WE'RE GOIN' TO PUT THE JOBBER'S PATENT TOP-SOLID-SUPERSTRUCTURE OVER +THAT!"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WALTHAM WATCHES. | + | | + | 3-4 PLATE. | + | | + | _16 and 20 Sizes._ | + | | + | To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | + | devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | + | command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | + | beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of | + | mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | + | execution these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | + | | + | In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | + | Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | + | | + | FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | _Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M._ | + | | + | Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten | + | Thousand Dollars, will be received. | + | | + | Six Per Cent Interest, Free of | + | Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | Commences on the first of every month | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_. | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, | + | EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance | + | to Oil Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout | + | the world. PRANG'S WEEKLY BULLETIN: "Bo-Peep," "Queen of the | + | Woods," "First Lesson in Music," "Travelling Comedians," | + | "City and Country Life." Illustrated Catalogues sent on | + | receipt of a stamp by | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + + Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. + No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. + No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S. W. GREEN. PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, MAY 7, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9960-8.txt or 9960-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/9/6/9960/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve +Schulze\and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9960] +Release Date: February, 2006 +First Posted: November 5, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, MAY 7, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve +Schulze\and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEARLY READY. | + | | + | ALASKA and its RESOURCES. | + | | + | By W. H. DALL, | + | | + | Director of the Scientific Corps of the Western Union | + | Telegraph Expedition. | + | | + | Full Octavo, with nearly One Hundred Elegant Illustrations, | + | engraved by the late JOHN ANDREW, from drawings by the | + | Author. This volume contains not only the record of a THREE | + | YEARS residence in Alaska--made under the most favorable | + | circumstances for explorations--but a complete history of | + | the country gathered from every available source. It is very | + | full in details of Productions, Climate, Soil, Temperature, | + | Language, the Manners and Customs of its peoples, etc., | + | etc.; and is the most valuable, as well as the most | + | authentic, addition to the history of Alaska. And is one of | + | the most elegant books issued in America. | + | | + | LEE & SHEPARD, Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. | + | | + | THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | SUPPLIED BY THE | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | We recommend for bank and office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | _Sole Agents for United States._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO + +Vol. I. No. 6. + +SATURDAY, MAY 7, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + * * * * * + +_CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the paper for +binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of One Dollar, by +"Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau Street, New-York City._ + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The Greatest Horse Book ever Published. | + | | + | HIRAM WOODRUFF | + | | + | ON THE | + | | + | TROTTING HORSE OF AMERICA! | + | | + | _How to Train and Drive Him._ | + | | + | With Reminiscenses of the Trotting Turf. A handsome 12mo, | + | with a splendid steel-plate portrait of Hiram Woodruff. | + | Price, extra cloth, $2.25. | + | | + | The New-York _Tribune_ says, "_This is a Masterly Treatise | + | by The Master of his Profession_--the ripened product of | + | forty years' experience in Handling, Training, Riding, and | + | Driving the Trotting Horse. There is no book like it in any | + | language on the subject of which it treats." | + | | + | BONNHE says in the _Ledger_, "It is a book for which every | + | man who owns a horse ought to subscribe. The information | + | which it contains is worth ten times its cost." For sale by | + | all booksellers, or single copies sent postpaid on receipt | + | of price. | + | | + | Agents wanted. | + | | + | J. B. FORD & CO., Printing-House Square, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. 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Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | + | calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Notice to Ladies. | + | | + | DIBBLEE, | + | | + | Of 854 Broadway, | + | | + | Has just received a large assortment of all the latest | + | styles of Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. | + | | + | FROM PARIS, | + | | + | Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | + | | + | La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, La Sirene, | + | L'Imperatrice, etc., | + | | + | At prices varying from $2 upward. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HERCULES MUTUAL | + | | + | LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY | + | | + | OF THE UNITED STATES | + | | + | No. 240 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. | + | | + | All Policies | + | | + | Entitled to Participation in Profits. | + | | + | Dividends Declared Annually. | + | | + | JAMES D. REYMERT, President. | + | | + | ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary | + | | + | THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., Medical Examiner. | + | | + | ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers | + | who have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, | + | or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance. $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783. | + | | + | _(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. 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Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + | $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | + | to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | + | market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | + | purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY SPEAR, | + | | + | STATIONER, PRINTER, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. | + | | + | ACCOUNT BOOKS MADE TO ORDER. | + | | + | PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. | + | | + | 82 Wall Street, NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: YE YONGE MANNE OF MANHATTAN. + +Ye Yonge Manne is born, and his parents hasten with him to ye abode of +ye BROWN, praying that he may be christened among ye upper tenne. + +And when ye Yonge Manne takes a daughter of ye upper tenne to wife, ye +BROWN sees that he is married in ye BROWN his church. + +Ye BROWN demands if ye parents put in their coal in ye Summer time; and, +being told that they do, he has ye Yonge Manne christened in his church, +and when he grows up ye BROWN introduces him into Society. + +And when ye Yonge Manne he dies, ye BROWN arranges with all ye gardeners +and black-goods men. And so, ye Yonge Manne, he is done entirely BROWN.] + + * * * * * + + THE BACHELOR'S MOVING-DAY. + AHA! + A mere half-hour's bother! + Suppose I were a father-- + A luckless wight, called "Pa"! + + I'd say, + "Now curse the restless rover + That first (despising clover!) + Invented Moving-day!" + + O yes! + Especially, if moving + Was likely to be proving + (As usual) a mess! + + Why, look! + You've got no end of articles. + Sure to be smashed to particles, + Or "snaked off" with a "hook"! + + You've got + Chairs, bedsteads, tables, crockery-- + (Recital seems a mockery!) + You've got--what have you not? + + What's worse, + Your things won't fit new places, + Your wife won't like new faces-- + Your very maid will curse! + + Your hat + And other things _do_ fall so! + And children they _do_ bawl so! + Good heavens! think of that, + + And think + Of possible colds and fevers-- + Cartmen that prove deceivers-- + Nothing to eat or drink! + + Small bliss + For bachelors so lonely--. + Tired of one thing only: + But they escape all this! + + And pray, + What man with sons and daughters + Don't sigh for bachelor quarters + About the First of May? + + * * * * * + +Printed, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE DELIGHTS OF DOUGHERTY. + +At the Banquet of the Army of the Potomac in Philadelphia, Mr. DANIEL +DOUGHERTY made one of the most extraordinary speeches on record, if we +except certain forensic efforts of Mr. PUNCHINELLO delivered during the +earlier stages of his career from his box. Mr. DOUGHERTY is a Soarer, +and a Spreader, and a Screamer. Speaking metaphorically, be goes higher, +measures more from the tip of one wing to the other, and is more +suggestive of the warbling of a locomotive in his speech than any other +Eagle in Philadelphia, which is saying a great deal. DANIEL is a Giant +of Rhetoric, and would remind us of the Big Gentleman from Cardiff, only +that mysterious personage is too heavy to Soar; for which reason he +usually occupies the ground floor, which Mr. DOUGHERTY does not do by +any manner of means. + +It was this extraordinary capacity of Mr. DOUGHERTY for Soaring which +caused him to be called upon by the Army of the Potomac for a speech. +The great D. begins by declaring that he would rather speak for his +country than for Pennsylvania, which, considering that he also declared +that he came "as a modest spectator," does not strike us as the depth of +humility. However, "my bosom," said Mr. D., "is not confined to any +locality;" and we believe that Mr. PECKSNIFF said something like this of +his own frontal linen. Yet, we should like to know what Mr. DOUGHERTY +does for a chest when his own has gone upon its extensive journeys; +something temporary is done, we suppose, with a pad. But the Bosom was +at the Banquet, and the proprietor was there to thump it, until it must +have sounded and reverberated; and if Mr. DOUGHERTY had also thumped his +head, there would have been equal evidence of hollowness within. "May my +tongue never prove a traitor!" cried the orator. Mr. PUNCHINELLO hastens +to reassure him. The tongue is well enough, and is likely to be. It's +something a little higher up that is likely to give out. + +If the applause of the brave men before him was what Mr. DOUGHERTY +wanted, (besides his dinner,) then of applause he got the Stomach under +his Bosom full. The speech was received, according to the reporters, +with a roaring which has not been equalled since the Lions in the Den +roared at the other DANIEL, until they found that the good man was +neither to be roared or sneezed at with impunity. The cheering was +"tremendous." The cheering was "terrific." The cheering was "prolonged." +And there stood "the Bosom not confined to any locality," but just then +swelling, and expanding, and dilating--shall we for once be fine, and +say like an Ocean Billow? Voices which shouted at Gettysburg now hailed +Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY as a Conquering Hero--the conqueror of their cars! +Once in a while there was "great laughter" when Mr. D.D. hadn't said any +thing specially funny--that is, if Mr. PUNCHINELLO is a judge of fun; +and if he isn't, who in all the world is? There are two kinds of +laughter--the laughing at and the laughing with; and we have known +"tremendous" and even "vociferous" applause to be very suspicious. + +It must be a source of calm satisfaction to General GRANT to know that +he is considered the "great and glorious GRANT" by Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY; +although DANIEL once considered Mr. BUCHANAN, poor man! to be equally +"great and glorious." So DANIEL also considers SHERMAN to be "immortal," +and SHERIDAN "unconquerable," and MEADE "glorious." Adjectives are +cheap, you know; and D.D., Esq., has evidently a great stock of them in +his Wandering Bosom. Only, great soldiers, who know the precise value of +Mr. DOUGHERTY'S military opinions, might not care to have them laid on +too thickly. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO has written to Mr. DOUGHERTY'S Family Doctor to inquire +into the state of Mr. D's health after this tremendous effort, and he +sends us a bulletin that Mr. D. is "as well as could be expected." We do +not know what he means by this; it seems to us to lack scientific +precision. The point upon which we wished to be informed was, whether +Mr. D. did or did not break any thing--not the tumblers on the table, +for that we should expect; but any thing in the way of blood-vessels. +Not to put too fine a point upon it, How's the Bosom? + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN CUTLERY IN FRANCE. + +The great pride, the _dulce decus_ of Americans, has long been in their +pocket hardware, and the skill with which they use it. But we must +henceforth look to our laurels. France is competing alarmingly with us +in the use of the revolver. They were always a revolutionary people, +were the French, and revolving seems, therefore, to suit their temper to +a T, (Gunpowder T, of course.) Since the slaying of NOIR by BONAPARTE, +the affectation of readiness with the pistol has become quite the thing +in Paris. New-York and Paris will soon be exactly alike in the bullet +business--especially Paris. PAUL DE CASSAGNAC, it seems, has been +invited by some anonymous person to meet him at a certain hour in front +of the _mairie_ of the Seventeenth _arrondissement_, for the purpose of +having his brains removed with a revolver. PAUL declined to go, however. +The _Mairie_ mentioned in the cartel was not the one for PAUL. Probably +he would have gone to VIRGINIA, had he been invited to do so; but never +a MAIRIE for the faithful PAUL. And might have come by way of New-York, +where he would soon have grown so used to having his brains removed with +a revolver that the process would have become a pleasure to him. + + * * * * * + +PHILADELVINGS. + +PUNCHINELLO cannot help liking Philadelphia, and always feels a pang of +sympathy whenever any thing happens to that plain old city. One reason +for this is, (and he is not ashamed of the weakness,) that Philadelphia +likes PUNCHINELLO and takes, weekly, he would not be vain enough to say +how many hundred copies of his journal. And now Philamaclink, as her +natives love to call her, is afflicted with a terrible disease--a +fearful attack of chronic Legislature. Even when the active symptoms of +this dread malady have subsided, the effects linger, and the consequent +suffering is excruciating. One of the direst of the effects of the last +attack is a dreadful bill--not a bile--which has caused a utilization +sewage company to appear upon her body corporate. It is almost +impossible for sister cities to understand the torments of such an +affliction. Nobody can now clear away their own dirt--Councils, Board of +Health, or any body else. If rooms are swept, the sewage company must +take up the dust; if a pig-pen or a stable needs cleaning, the company +must do it; if the lady of a house throws the slops out of her breakfast +cups, the company must carry them away; if a man knocks the ashes from +his cigar, he must save them for the company; if, anywhere in the city, +a foul word is spoken, the company must have the benefit of it. Even the +birds in the squares must not cleanse their nests without a printed +permit from the company. If a bedstead is cleaned, the company must have +the bugs. Only one dirty thing is safe from this all-powerful +corporation, and that is the legisiative delegation from the city. If +the refuse matter were taken from that, there would be nothing left. It +has been proposed that the Legislature itself should be purified; but +this idea is Utopian, PUNCHINELLO fears. If Niagara were squirted +through its halls, the water would be dirtied, but the halls would not +be cleansed. Alas, poor city! Trampled under the heels of the +aristocratic HONG and PENNY BUNN, what is there to hope for it? + +But all has not been told. There are about eight hundred thousand +inhabitants in the place. Some twenty thousand of these owe small sums +for unpaid taxes, averaging about nine and a quarter cents to a man. To +collect these sums, an army of seventy-two thousand able-bodied men, at +salaries of one thousand dollars per annum, has been commissioned by the +PENNY BUNN Legislature. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not been told. A private firm has prevailed +upon the imbecile old farmers from the western and interior counties to +give them the right to build a private freight railroad through many of +the principal streets of the Quaker City. This road will run through +several school-house yards, and the time-tables are to be so arranged +that trains shall always be due at those points at recess time. Every +fiftieth private house along the lines is to have a road-station and +freight-depot in its front-parlor, and all male residents on said routes +are to serve in turn, without pay, as brakesmen and switch-tenders. The +owners of all vehicles injured by the trains are to be heavily fined, +and the families of individuals allowing themselves to be killed are to +be mulcted in heavy damages. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. A counterfeit tax-bill +has been passed by the Legislature. All the sums handed in to the State +Treasury by the tax collectors have been found to be "bogus" money. This +action has been indorsed by the Legislature, and the action of that body +is hereafter to be of the same character as the funds paid in by its +creatures. + +Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. Colonel FORNEY intends +resuming his "Occasional" letters in the _Press!_ + +Enough! Humanity can bear no more. + + * * * * * + +Query by a Constitutional Student. + +When the Governor or President V-toes a bill, is he supposed to put +his foot on it? + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +SPECTACLES are proverbially fit for old eyes. Probably that is the +reason why the spectacle of the _Twelve Temptations_ is so dear to the +aged eyes of the gray-haired old gentlemen who occupy the front seats at +the Grand Opera House. It is certainly a brilliant spectacle, though, +like the ideal scene to which Mrs. NICKLEBY's eccentric and vegetarian +lover once referred, it consists principally of "gas and gaiters." Not +that it is exclusively an Old Folks' entertainment; for, as the critics +say of portentously dull juvenile books, "it will be found as +interesting to the young as to the old." Though the dullest of dramas, +it is so brightened by brilliant legs that it dazzles every beholder. +Why, then, should the stern advocate of the legitimate drama refuse to +acknowledge that the _Twelve Temptations_ has its redeeming legs? How +runs the ancient proverb, "Singed milk is better than it looks;" or that +equally ancient philosophical maxim, "There is no use in crying over +spilt cats"? The stupid story of ULRIC'S folly is made more attractive +than one would suppose that it could be, and we need not weep over the +fact that it is a spectacle, and not a SHAKESPEAREAN tragedy. + +The bold explorers who have reached the remote Opera House, +fought their way past the misanthropic door-keeper, and gained their +seats, are first reduced to a state of mental chaos by the performance +of a maddening overture, and are then fitted to appreciate the play, +which proceeds after the following pattern: + +_Act 1. Curtain rises upon a score of Unintelligible Demons_, who sing +this impressive chorus: + + "Oh! um um um um + For um um um um + And um um um um + To um um um um." + +_Exeunt Demons. Enter_ RUDOLPH THE TEMPTER. _He remarks to the +surrounding scenery_--"ULLERIC'S soul must be mine, or else the dark +abodes of torment await me. I will tempt him. Great Master, appear." + +_The Great Master--a major-general of fiends--appears, and, approving +of_ RUDOLPH'S _virtuous resolve, they descend to--well, they descend +below the Erie Building, to drink to his success. Scene changes to_ +ULRIC'S _home. Enter_ ULRIC _and family, including Aged Mother, Virtuous +Heroine, Hated Rival, and Demoniac Servant._ + +ULRIC. "Motherr, this slife is intollerrabble; I will do any thing to +escape frrrom it." + +_Enter_ RUDOLPH _and Unintelligible Demons (disguised.) They sing as +before._ + + "Oh! um um um um," etc. + +ULRIC. "The song says terruly. I will go with you, though you were the +fiend himself." + +_Consternation on the part of every one. Demoniac Servant remarks, "Ha! +ha!"_ ULRIC _and the Demons sink through the floor. Scene changes to the +Studio of Eblis._ + +RUDOLPH. "Take this collar. Behold these stripes painted upon it. +Whatever you wish you shall have at the price of five years of your +life. A stripe will vanish each time your wish is gratified. (_Aside._) +The stripes are only cloth, you know, and you can pull 'em off when your +back is turned to the audience. Is it a bargain?" + +ULRIC. "It 'er is." (_Malignant crash from the orchestra._) + +RUDOLPH. "ULLERIC, 'tis well. Now thou shall behold our sports." + +_Enter ballet girls, dressed in red gaiters and torches. They dance the +Demon Cancan, waving their torches and scattering the flames. Old +Gentleman, in the front row hears such charming little asides as, "Drat +you,_ MARY SMITH, _you've burnt my hand." "I'll slap your face, Miss, if +you step on my foot again." "O_ NELLY! _my hair's a-coming down."_ + +Curtain finally falls upon a blaze of light and a bewildering wealth of +legs. + +_Old Gentleman, in front row._ "Well, he! he! that's pretty good; he! he! +Devilish pretty girls some of 'em; he! he!" + +_Virtuous Matron._ "My dear, isn't it shameful. I never saw any thing so +disgusting." + +_Sceptical Husband._ "Then perhaps we'd better go at once." + +_Virtuous Matron._ "N--no. I'll sit through one more act, and see if it +gets any worse." + +_Fast Young Man._ "They're all padded, you know. You can't feel sure +about one of 'em. There were gals in the _Crook_ who used to pad their's +from here to here"--(_adds explanatory pantomime._) + +_Travelled Man, who has been to Paris._ "These girls can't dance, I +assure you. Now, at the Chatelet they do these things differently." + +_Admiring Friend to Travelled Man._ "What spectacles did you see at the +Chatelet?" + +_Travelled Man,_ (who was in Paris only two days, and never saw even the +outside of the theatre.) "It was--let me see--Oh! _Moses in Egypt_ was +the name of the piece. It was gorgeous; full of Egyptian scenery, and +Egyptian dancing girls and things." + +_Admiring Friend, (with aggravating persistence.)_ "Do you mean +Rossini's _Moses_?" + +_Travelled Man, (quite desperate.)_ "Of course! He's the rival of +OFFENBACH, you know. But come, let's go and take something." + +(_They go, the faith of the Admiring Friend in the Travelled Man's +veracity being, however, perceptibly shaken._) + +Three more acts follow. ULRIC makes a dozen wishes, all of which are +gratified, and all of which have the inevitable effect of transporting +him into scenes pervaded by the female leg to an extent that easily +reconciles him to the successive loss of five years of his life. He +finally becomes King of Egypt, and, after having fought against the +Crusaders in defence of those well-known Mohammedan gods, ISIS and +OSIRIS, is carried down a trap by exulting demons. An Intolerable Comic +Man opens up hitherto unknown wastes of dreariness, and sings a comic +song that is positively more tedious than an article from the _Nation_. +The Demoniac Servant is continually shot up through spring traps, in +order to remark, "Ha! ha!" and to immediately disappear again. The Aged +Mother travels from Flanders to Egypt without changing her dress or +combing her back hair, for the vain purpose of begging "ULLERIC" to +repent. Consumptive Knights fight terrific broad-sword duels with a +thirst for combat that beer alone is subsequently able to allay. The +Virtuous HEROINE displays a very neat pair of ankles, but without +winning "ULLERIC" from the devil of his ways. Half a dozen ballets are +successively introduced, in which the skirts of the dancers are seen to +decrease as rapidly and steadily as the stripes on ULRIC'S magic collar. +Finally, a grand Transformation Scene, which has nothing whatever to do +with the play, exhibits the best legs of the company in the most +favorable attitudes, and the green baize curtain falls upon the great +spectacle of the day. + +_Virtuous Matron._ "Well, I never! It's positively indecent. I'd like to +take a whip to those shameless hussies." + +_Sceptical Husband._ "PAGE offered me a proscenium box the other day. +Suppose we take it to-morrow night?" + +_Virtuous Matron._ "I'll go to please you, my dear. And really the +scenery is pretty." + +_Wretched Man, who is shameless enough to admit that he likes it._ "I +like it. The ballet's good, the scenery is splendid, and the music might +be worse. Why don't these ladies, who come here and sit it through, have +the honesty to admit that they come because they like it? But no; they +go away, and at the next party, where they wear dresses lower in the +neck than any I've seen on the stage to night, they'll abuse the poor +girls who have danced here for their amusement. Their malignant modesty +does not deserve the respect of an intelligent _figurante_. If they are +sincere, why do they come here?" + +Which question still puzzles the perturbed mind of + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Give 'em Rope. + +We clip the following from the _Express_: + +"There seem to be more legal loopholes for convicted murderers to escape +through than for any other class of criminals." + +That is too true, by a great deal. There should be but one "legal +loophole" for a convicted murderer, and the authorities should not let +him escape through the loop of it--they should Knot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MOVING INCIDENT. + +_Pat, (to Bridget.)_ "TAKE YOUR MASTHER'S TRUNK TO THE RAILROAD, IS IT? +OCH! BOTHER--DON'T YOU SEE I'M MOVIN' A FAMILY?"] + + * * * * * + +THE "TOBACCO PARLIAMENT" OF OHIO. + +For genial law-making in America commend us to the Ohio House of +Representatives. While we haven't learned that the legislation of this +august body has been particularly hazy of late, we think it must have +been wholesome, for we are assured that much of it has been thoroughly +"fumigated" through the exertions of the majority of its members, who +perform their functions with pipes in their mouths, while drawn up in +semi-circle around a couple of fire-places built expressly for their +accommodation--"one on each side of the speaker's desk," Who _wouldn't_ +legislate, (and early, too,) if he could do it with his feet on the +fender, his well-flavored Havana or best Virginia leaf in his mouth, and +the privilege of cracking jokes and telling naughty stories _ad +interim?_ Go it, ye Buckeye lawmakers! Shall we hear of any sympathy for +Cuba in that quarter? + + * * * * * + +A "Woman's Physic." + +(MRS. C--N TO MRS. MCF--D.) + +"My Darling, I have found a panacea for all woes, In Man: + + _When one man will not suit or stay, + Then get another, right away."_ + + * * * * * + +CABLE NEWS. + +[EXCLUSIVELY FOR PUNCHINELLO.] + +GREAT BRITAIN. + +The Great PUNCHINELLO dinner has come off! JENKINS was there, and was to +have telegraphed an account. But he was not so well as usual the next +day, the Thames water having got into his head. JENKINS never _could_ +take much water. So your correspondent is obliged to trust to his +memory--unaffected by the water, which he did not take. + +Old London Tavern was the scene of this banquet, given by the _literati_ +of England in honor of the long-wished-for coming of PUNCHINELLO. The +dining-hall was decorated for the occasion with appropriate portraits. +There were HOGARTH, CERVANTES, ADDISON, MOLIERE, SWIFT, STERNE, +GOLDSMITH, TOM HOOD, IRVING, THACKERAY, DICKENS, and ARTEMUS WARD. A +number of the waiters were costumed in character. From my seat, I +recognized SAM WELLER, (right behind me;) the Fat Boy of _Pickwick;_ +SANCHO PANZA, and JEAMES YELLOWPLUSH. + +Mr. PUNCH was represented at the head of the table so well that you +could know him at once from his weekly frontispiece. On one side of him +sat CHARLES DICKENS; on the other, your humble ambassador. It would be +rather invidious to name the other hundred guests; not to be there was +to be nowhere in literature. Near me there sat Lord LYTTON, TOM HUGHES, +PREVOST PARADOL, EDMOND ABOUT, CHARLES KINGSLEY, PAUL FEVAL, and the +Rev. JOHN CUMMING. + +Asking, in a whisper, of Mr. PUNCH how the latter very staid individual +came to be there, I understood that, of all the absurd men of this +century, he was selected as the most representatively preposterous. The +PRINCE OF WALES was not asked, lest his morals might be hurt by +something that was said. And it is so important, you know, for the +British nation--(for the rest, see the _Saturday Review_.) And then +Madame GEORGE SAND was to be there, who sometimes wears trowsers. + +MATTHEW ARNOLD was spoken to about it; but he replied gruffly, + +"PUNCHINELLO is Goliath of the Philistines!" and declined. + +JOHN STUART MILL was too busy over his next book, which is to be "On the +Subjection of Horses." But every body else was there, so we did not miss +these grave and reverend seigniors. + +How the twenty-five courses came on and went off, from the ox-tail soup +and salmon to the dessert, it would need the tongue or pen of SOYER or +PIERRE BLOT to narrate; as it needed the capacity of a FALSTAFF to do +justice to them. And then, when the cover was removed, came the time of +trial to your correspondent. "The Queen" and "the President" were drunk +with all the honors. Then Mr. PUNCH called out, through his magnificent +old nose, so that you might have heard him across the Channel, "Health +and long life to PUNCHINELLO!" + +Now, your correspondent had remembered Mr. HAWTHORNE'S experience at a +Lord Mayor's dinner, and had begged Mr. PUNCH by all means to let him +off without a speech. But, more worldly-wise than HAWTHORNE, he didn't +believe that Mr. PUNCH would keep his promise; so he had prepared a +speech, beginning, "Not anticipating any occasion to open my lips in +this illustrious company, you must allow me to speak altogether on the +impulse of the moment." (Hear, hear.) So this had to be delivered; but +for the rest of it, and of the dinner, you must wait for my next +telegram. Mr. PUNCH is going to have the speech published in pamphlet +form, for distribution among his numerous constituents. So, now for the +rest of my _news_. + +FRANCE. + +The PRINCE OF MONACO has declared war against France. OLLIVIER proposes +to send the PRINCE IMPERIAL to extinguish him with a corps of infantry, +armed with popguns; no one to be admitted to the corps who is more than +four years old. MONACO aspires to be a sort of LOPEZ. + +TURKEY. + +Sultan ABDUL AZIZ has just had a visit from a friend of JOHN BRIGHT'S. +To the surprise of every body, even his most intimate friends, the +Sultan immediately made up his mind to turn Quaker! He came down stairs, +and went into mosque, the other day, with a broad-brimmed hat, straight +coat, and drab trowsers; and insisted on all the ladies of his _hareem_ +putting on plain bonnets, and holding a "silent meeting" in the +Seraglio! How it bothered them to do that last thing you may well +suppose! More anon, from PRIME. + + * * * * * + +A Bit of Fish. + +SECRETARY FISH is said to preserve a decidedly spruce appearance +at the State Dinners. Fish is nothing if not Fin-ical. + + * * * * * + +FISH SAUCE. + +The sight of a thick, four-pound steak, just cut from a halibut that +must have weighed, (the idea of a fish wading!) some two hundred pounds, +reminds us that trout-fishing is just now in full operation. What a +strange, weird mystery there is about mental associations! Long, long +ago, we possessed a favorite trout-rod fitted with a Hollow Butt, and so +it is that whenever we see a Halibut, trouting comes to our mind. + +Yesterday, frogs were croaking, and insects all in green livery, with +gilt buttons, contributed to Nature's Great Boston Jubilee of music with +their hum. How ridiculous it seems that insects should have a hum!--and +yet the Bee has its Hum in its hive. + +It is at this season that enthusiastic anglers always get water on the +brain. Their dreams are of gurgling brooks. They have visions of +mill-ponds, with beautiful little cascades sluicing into them over dams. +They stand, in imagination, on bridges, in the eddies beneath which they +discern the wagging of silvery tails and rosy fins; and a very common +form of nightmare with them is to fancy that the reel of the fishing-rod +won't work, just as they are going to wind up a four-pound trout. + +Now, also, is the time when friend gives much advice to friend on the +subject of the "gentle art." (A trout's opinion on this branch of art, +by the by, would be worth having. Perhaps he might not consider it so +gentle.) + +One student of the angle will say to another, "Always fish up the +stream. Fish lie with their heads to the current and their tails in the +opposite direction: therefore, by casting up-stream, you run the less +chance of being seen by them." + +Another says, "Be sure you make your casts down-stream; your bob-flies +like it better, as you can see by the way they dance on the ripples." + +Quoth another, "Always soak your casting-lines with water before you +start for the river-side;" while a fourth instructs you never to +straighten your lines with water, but by passing them through a piece of +India rubber doubled between the finger and thumb. + +_Our_ advice is, Never cast against the wind. In fact, you can't do it; +and if you try it, you run the risk of getting _strabismus_--that is, +the Cast in your eye. Artificial flies, like artificial flowers, never +should follow nature. Manufacturers of both articles perfectly +understand this; and hence the superiority of their productions to the +mere realities that flutter and bloom for their brief hour, and then +die. There is nothing in entomology so beautiful as a well-busked trout +or salmon fly. And then it is comparatively indestructible. Take a +natural May Fly and squeeze it in your hand. It is reduced to a pulp. +Try the same experiment with an artificial one, and its plumage remains +unruffled--which is more than you do, since the chance is that you will +have to employ a surgeon to extract the hook from the ball of your +thumb. + +[Illustration: "SHOO! FLY."] + +We are assured by a broker, who, in Spring-time, always becomes a +brooker, that by far the surest lure for a large trout is the Greenback +Fly. He is acquainted with a man who, whenever he goes a-fishing, always +has a four-pound trout to pack in ice and send up to a friend in the +city. By post, a letter is dispatched to the same quarter, containing a +warm description of the playing and landing of that noble fish. The +sender usually states that he captured it with the famous fly known to +anglers as the Green Drake. Facts are against him, though; and it is +well understood by his friends that the fish was first taken by some +poaching rascal with a scoop-net, and subsequently hooked by the angler +with a five-dollar Greenback Fly. + +Nothing in life is more beautiful than a five-dollar Greenback +Fly--except, of course, a ten-dollar one, or one of indefinitely larger +denomination. + +Provided with this most charming and effective of lures, the angler is +always sure to fill his creel. He incurs no fatigue in doing so, +either, for all the boys of the village become his humble servants to +command; and if there be a four-pound trout in the miller's pond, he is +sure to hook it with the Greenback Fly, while the boys generally "hook +it" also, lest the miller should catch them at their tricks. + +_How to make the Greenback Fly_--Give it to your wife. Much has been +said concerning the efficacy of the Water Fly as a lure. For our own +part, we have not tried it. We know rather less about it than we do +about the Water Cure; but we cheerfully print the following directions +on the subject, taken from the fly-leaf of an old book. + +_How to make the Water Fly_: Fall into it. + + * * * * * + +HALL AND HAYES. + +The friends of Dr. HAYKS and those of Captain HALL are engaged in a +heated discussion as to which of the two ought to be sent by Congress in +search of the North Pole. As the public does not know who is right and +who is wrong, we present our readers with the arguments of each party; +so that they can decide which explorer is the man for the post--we +should say, pole. + +WHAT THE HAYES PARTY SAYS. + +1. The Pole being surrounded by water, must be reached by boats. HAYES +is a sailor and HALL is not. Therefore HAYES is the man to sail to the +Pole. + +2. HAYES is a Bostonian; HALL is a Western man. Bostonians are famed for +their skill in prying into every thing; while Western men stupidly mind +their own business. Therefore HAYES is naturally fitted to become an +explorer. + +3. HALL spent his time while in the Arctic Region in the society of +Esquimaux. HAYES attended to his ship, and lived on pork and beef +like a Christian. Therefore HAYES is the better man. + +4. HAYES understands the use of instruments, and can take observations +of the temperature of hot springs, if any are found. HALL knows nothing +about instruments, and could not tell the time by a barometer if his +life depended upon it. Therefore HAYES should be the Congressional +favorite. + +5. HALL is hot-tempered and once killed one of his crew. HAYES is a cool +man and never killed any body, except as a medical practitioner. Cool +men are at home in the Arctic Region. Therefore send HAYES. + +WHAT THE HALL PARTY SAYS. + +1. If the Pole is surrounded by water, it must be a visible point of +land. HALL is a landsman, and therefore the proper man to send in search +of land. To send a sailor like HAYES in quest of land would be absurd. +Therefore HALL is the right man. + +2. HALL is a steady, hardworking, energetic Western man. HAYES is a +meddling Yankee. Of course HALL is the better man for carrying out a +difficult enterprise. + +3. HALL has lived in the Arctic land as the Arctic people do; while +HAYES knows nothing of the people of that region. Therefore HALL is by +far the best man to send. + +4. HAYES can have no use for his instruments in a place where there is +nothing but ice. HAYES would, therefore, only add to the cost of the +expedition. HALL can take all necessary observations with his eyes, which +cost Congress nothing and are easily carried. Therefore HALL is by all +odds the man for the expedition. + +5. If HALL is hot-tempered, so much the better. He will keep warm with +less consumption of fuel. That he killed a mutineer is proof of his +resolute adherence to discipline. HAYES would never enforce discipline +if he dared to inflict no more punishment for mutiny than a draught of +Epsom salts. Therefore HALL is plainly the man to command an exploring +party. + +Here we have the arguments which both sides advance, and our readers can +easily make up their minds. As for ourselves, the true course for +Congress to pursue seems so plainly evident that if we were asked which +is the best man, the Doctor or the Captain, we should unhesitatingly +answer in the negative. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CINCINNATUS SWEENY.] + + +CINCINNATUS SWEENY + +(Adapted from AUTHOR'S Classical Dictionary, p. 351.) + +"CINCINNATUS had retired to his patrimony, aloof from popular tumults. +The successes of the Equi, (young Democracy,) however, rendered the +appointment of a Dictator necessary, and CINCINNATUS was chosen to that +high office. He laid aside his rural habiliments, assumed the ensigns of +absolute power, levied a new army, marched all night to bring the +necessary succor to the Consul MINCIUS, (W. M. TWEED,) who was +surrounded by the enemy and blockaded in his camp, (Albany,) and before +morning surrounded the enemy's army, and reduced it to a condition +exactly similar to that in which the Romans had been placed. The baffled +Equi were glad to submit to the victor's terms, and CINCINNATUS, +returning in, triumph to Rome, (New-York,) laid down his dictatorial +power after having held it only fourteen days, and returned to his farm" +(Central Park.) + + * * * * * + +SPRING FEVER, + + In such a joyous way? + If it were as you say, + Wouldn't _I_ know it, who know every thing! + + "Ethereal mildness!" Pshaw! what nonsense, man! + Pooh! "Gentle spring," indeed! + It makes my liver bleed + To hear you talk as only idiots can. + + But you're no idiot, THOMSON; _that_ I'll say! + I'll yield another bit: + I'm ready to admit + The Seasons may have altered since your day. + + At any rate, JAMES, in the windy West + (Which wasn't in your eye-- + At least, not frequently) + Your boasted Spring is _not_ a gentle guest. + + My patience, no! She's the reverse of that! + Ah! hear her savage roar; + (So often heard before!) + And there (confound it!) goes my new Spring hat. + + Alas! what means this stupid somnolence? + Why do my pulses go + So "melancholy slow"? + Why can't I think? why always "on the fence"? + + O dews and fogs! O rain and snow and slush! + O various other things! + My soul! what need of wings: + Yes, "Spring's delights" are coming with a rush! + + But stay, friend THOMSON--what you say is true: + Here _is_ a nice warm day! + The breezes softly play-- + Then why, oh! _why_ then, do I feel so blue? + + One "would not die in Spring-time," certainly-- + Nor any other season, + For the same reason-- + But if one can't eat dinner, why _not_ die? + + Is there no panacea for such ills? + Oh! yes, a jolly one: + I find it in the dun! + In landlords', butchers', grocers', tailors' bills! + + * * * * * + +The Difference. + +GOLDEN calves were worshipped by men of old. Modern men prefer to +worship saw-dust calves. + + * * * * * + +Dramatic Query. + +Is Canada to be the Theatre of a Fenian War? It seems that the Canadian +Volunteers think so; and, to do justice to the performance, they have +taken possession of the whole Front-tier. + + * * * * * + +The Original Bow. + +The EL-bow. + + * * * * * + +Not the Chimney for a Studio. + +ONE that won't Draw. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SICK EAGLE. + +COLUMBIA. "DO LET THE POOR BIRD OUT, MR. B.; HE DROOPS SADLY." + +Mr. BOOTWELL. "REALLY I DON'T SEE ANY THING THE MATTER WITH HIM, MA'AM. +HIS CAGE IS ALL GOLD, AND HE SURELY OUGHT TO BE CONTENTED."] + + * * * * * + +AN EXCELLENT OLD SONG MADE NEW. + +BY A DEFAULTER. + + Is there for his dishonesty + Who hangs his head, and a' that? + The coward slave, we pass him by, + And dare to steal for a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Our grabs and games, and a' that, + Our business is to make a pile + And swindle SAM, and a' that. + + What though the people curse and swear + At losing gold, and a' that? + Their fiercest wrath we'll proudly bear, + And cash is cash for a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Their lawyers, courts, and a' that. + The lucky rogue who wins his pile + Is king of men for a' that. + + The President knows how to beat + In battle, siege, and a' that; + But we're the lads for swift retreat, + Although he growl, and a' that. + For a' that and a' that, + Our bonds and oaths and a' that, + A bouncing swag's the better thing + For gentlemen, and a' that. + + Then let us pray that come it may, + As come it shall for a' that, + That plundering gents may keep the sway, + And help themselves, and a' that. + For a' that and a' that. + Leg bail's the thing, and a' that; + For travelling improves the mind, + The body saves, and a' that. + + * * * * * + +THE THIRTEENTH MAN IN THE OMNIBUS. + +The New-York omnibus was constructed to seat and carry twelve persons; +certainly not more. Indeed, when twelve men, of nominal size, sit +squarely on the seats and do not clownishly cross their legs, one may +ride in an omnibus with comfort. Nay, with these conditions, he _may_ +generally escape having his toes crushed, his shins kicked, his shoes +soiled, or his trowsers daubed with mud by his neighbor. But alas! how +often is this paradisiacal state disturbed by the intrusion of "the +thirteenth man in the omnibus." + +Shall I attempt to portray the creature? He is pretty well known, and +perhaps the picture will be recognized. Sometimes he may be seen +standing at the corner of the street lying in wait for the "bus." He is +never known to walk toward its starting-place, lest he might be +confounded with the "twelve" by getting inside before the seats are +filled. No; he is "nothing if not" odd. His very hat never sits squarely +upon his head like the hat of a gentleman. It is either elevated in +front like a sophomore's, or depressed on one side, as if he had just +come from a cheap spree in the Bowery, or was troubled with some +obtrusive "bump" that kept his hat awry. If by chance he gets a seat +inside the omnibus, (as "accidents will happen," etc.,) he must cross +his legs and wipe the mud from his ill-shod feet upon your trowsers or +your wife's dress. + +Indeed, methinks it was he who invented sitting cross-legged in a public +vehicle. Do savages ever sit thus when in close company? I have never +been able to imagine what special human sin this ingenious mode of +annoyance was meant to punish. It has been suggested that it might be +the man's pantomimic protest against sitting at all. But the saddest +commentary upon this vice of our hero is, that by some mysterious +magnetism of awkwardness and ill-breeding, he has betrayed into +imitation of it men whose early education has been less neglected than +his own. + +Sometimes, as he gets into the "'bus," he carries in his hand or mouth +the stump of a half-burned, extinct cigar, which fills the atmosphere +with a rank and sickening odor. More frequently he is dressed in +well-worn black, and his clothes reek with noisome exhalations of stale +tobacco-smoke. Shall I finish his picture? I verily believe he is the +original Loafer. + +Methinks I see him in my mind's eye. I am riding in a Broadway ominibus. +I have just handed up my fare, and, taking my seat, have surrendered +myself to a sweet half-hour of reverie. I disdain to spoil my eyes or +waste my time by newspaper-reading. I dream, and save my time for better +things, as I conceive. + +The stage is full. "Twelve inside." The driver does not seem to get +along. He is constantly stopping or turning his horses to the sidewalk, +right or left. You wonder what is the matter. You begin to think the +whole town is striving to get a ride down with you in that particular +"'bus." At every street-corner we linger or stop. Suddenly the door is +pulled open with a jerk and our enemy leaps in. He sees the seats are +filled, but he does not hesitate. There is always room for him. Indeed, +his "spirit rises with the occasion." He becomes pertinacious as he is +offensive. He tramples upon more than one pair of feet in his struggle +to reach the middle of the omnibus. The passengers patiently submit to +the intrusion with that quiet good nature with which Americans usually +suffer imposition invasive of good manners, or petty social rights. They +seem to feel they can "stand it" if he can. + +His mode of paying his fare evolves a climax of unconscious +impertinence. In order to have free use of one hand to pass up his +money, he grasps cane or umbrella with the other hand, by which he holds +the pendent strap. By this means he loses control of the lower end of +his stick, which thereby becomes an automatic instrument of torture, +menacing your face and eyes in quite a savage way. Indeed, his apparent +unconsciousness that he is a nuisance, and ought to be kicked out, +really approaches the sublime. + +He is a pet of the driver, of course. Some innocent people wonder that +the drivers of omnibuses or cars should feel so very charitably disposed +toward the human family in general, as to take up extra passengers when +all seats are filled. Short-sighted mortals! Do you not see it! The more +passengers, beyond the complement of the "'bus," the more perquisites +for an ill-requited profession. + +To return to our black sheep. Look where he stands. As he grows weary, +he grasps the straps on either side to steady him. His attitude is a +cunningly devised mode of tormenting his fellow-passengers. Either elbow +of our nondescript just reaches the hat of your opposite neighbor or +yourself. With each jolt of the stage, by a little dexterity of +movement, or want of it, he can knock the hats over the eyes of two +persons at a time, and by a little shifting of his position he can +frequently bring down four by a single spasmodic lunge. When he is +fresher, as in the morning, and can hold his own weight, he falls in his +more natural posture. Would you know what that may be? Did you ever +observe one of the descendants of the Lost Tribes who inhabit Chatham +street dreamily waiting for a passing rustic? He is apparently in a +comatose state. His abdomen is drawn in; his body is bent like a section +of a hoop; his eyes are cast down; while both his hands are thrust +deeply into his trowser's pockets. + +But I grow weary of the subject, and stop by commending the Thirteenth +Man in the Omnibus to curiosity-hunters as a fungus growth of humanity +nursed by over-virtuous forbearance. + + * * * * * + +Hyperborean. + +The hyperbole of bores it is, to bore Congress for a hundred thousand +dollars to go to the Pole! If Captain HALL wants adventure, let him +travel to the Halls of the MONTEZUMAS. If he wishes only to be left out +in the cold, let him go to Chili; or else up in a balloon; or let him +make himself Republican candidate for something in New York. We believe +the North Pole would rather be let alone. The whole subject is, at all +events, too HAYES-y just now to be comprehended. There is a sort of +KANE-ine madness, which shows itself not in fear of water but in an +insane disposition to do big things on ice. Haul off, Captain HALL! + + * * * * * + +Meteorological Query. + +Is a temperance lecture synonymous with a Water Spout? + + * * * * * + +THE SPIRIT OF THE NAVY. + +ITS PORTER. ITS SAILS. + +_Impressions of an Outsider_. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: According to your instructions, your correspondent +proceeded to Washington, and there interviewed our present efficient +Secretary of the Navy, Admiral PORTER. I found him in his office, +surrounded by bills-of-sale of main-tops, carronades, iron-clads, +bo'sen's whistles, navy-yards, and other naval articles, the proceeds of +which were needed for the future experiments of the Department. These +papers were being bound up into bundles and stowed away by his +assistant, ROBESON. + +After the ordinary greetings had passed between the admiral and your +correspondent, the following conversation ensued: + +_Cor_. Admiral, what do you think of the Fifteenth Amendment? + +_Ad_. All right. When Americans want votes, I say, give 'em to 'em. + +_Cor_, (_A little apprehensively._) Votes are different from boats, then, +admiral? + +_Ad_. Certainly. What do the negroes want with boats? + +_Cor_. How are you satisfied, Mr. Secretary, with the plan of always +providing you with a civilian as an assistant? + +_Ad_. I don't like it. Can't help it, though. This one, however, +(_pointing his thumb over his shoulder at_ ROBESON,) don't give me much +trouble. Quiet man. + +_Cor_. What do you think of the condition of Cuba, + +_Ad_. Very nice indeed! Got Admiral POOR out there, cruising around. +Just like a picnic, you know. + +_Cor_. Are you in favor of the recognition of Cuban Independence? + +_Ad_. No, sir! What's the good? POOR might have to come home, then. + +_Cor_. You think, then, that recognition would not be a Poor policy? + +_Ad_. Yes--no! No--yes! Doormat! You know what I mean. + +_Cor_.(_quickly_.) Oh! yes. Certainly, sir! But what is your opinion upon +the woman question? + +_Ad_. Don't care a snap. Let 'em vote. Won't make a difference 'board +ship. + +_Cor_. You think, then that women will never be sailors, Admiral? + +_Ad_. Nothing they could do. Except to trim the boats; look out for the +mizen sheets or somethg o' that kind. Couldn't expect 'em, even in a +calm, to be brisk in manning the yards, much less martingales. + +_Cor_. What is your opinion, Admiral, of SHERIDAN'S work among the +Piegans? + +_Ad_. (_laughing_). Neat job. How was that for Lo? + +_Cor_. Good. Do you believe the Pope's infallible, Admiral? + +_Ad_. The Pope's what? + +_Cor_. Do you think that there is no such word as fail with PIO Nono? + +_Ad_. No, no! + +_Cor_. The Empress EUGENIE, Admiral, and Queen VICTORIA--which do you +think is the prettiest of these women? + +_Ad_. Never saw 'em swimmin'. Can't say. + +_Cor_. What is your opinion about McFARLAND? Was he justifiable, think +you? + +_Ad_. No! Poor shot. + +_Cor_. Have you seen _Frou Frou_, Admiral? + +_Ad_. Yes. In New-York. + +Cor. How did you like it, sir? + +_Ad_. Not much. Do for folks whose taste for that sort of thing is DAILY +bred. + +_Cor_. What do you think of oar new City Charter? + +_Ad_. Is it a ship? + +_Cor_. Yes, sir. It is a sort of hardship for New-York. + +_Ad_. Well, the city must be used to that. Will take in its ale pretty +much as usual, I reckon. + +_Cor_. What, sir, do you think of Chicago? + +_Ad_. Ah! go way. + +_Cor_. (_oblivious of hint_.) Where do you buy your pantaloon stuff, Mr. +Secretary? + +_Ad_. (_sharply_.) Where the woodbine twineth. + +_Cor_. Admiral, have you any children? + +_Ad_. (_loudly_.) ROBESON! + +_Cor_. My dear sir, you surprise me! Is he your son? + +_Ad_. (_to assistant_.) ROBESON! Did you see MIKE HAINES? + +_Cor_. One moment. Admiral! Let me ask of you, in which, if any, of our +New-York companies is your life insured; and do you wear the patent +perforated buckskin?-- + +Here the interview terminated. Your correspondent suddenly discovered +that he would have barely time to catch the N. Y. Express, and he took +leave with a renewed respect for the spirit of our Navy and its head. + +SNIQUE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COME, GENTLE SPRING. + +SPRING has come. Now is the time to ask your friends for seed and roots, +and to tell somebody they ought to see about the garden. Turn your +chickens into your neighbors' grounds, and the cow too, if you think she +would like to go there. Now also is the time for house-cleaning, as well +as for settling up one's affairs generally; so, after you have called in +all the money due you, and paid out as little as possible, perhaps you +had better go out West for a week or so.] + + * * * * * + +The sort of Liquor most apt to Tell upon a Man. + +PEACH Brandy. + + * * * * * + +Opinions of the Press. + +The _Sun_ thinks that the World's end would be a god-send. + +It also thinks that the Tribune is a try weakly and unique daily, +besides being a four centenary. + +It thinks that the fact of the _Times_ being out of Joint is the reason +it is getting the cold Shoulder from its subscribers. + +It thinks that the _Herald_ is not the leading paper, though it may have +Ben-it. + +It thinks that the _Sun_ is awful shiny. + + * * * * * + +The Politician's Half-and-Half. + +DEMAGOGUE and Demijohn. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +LOFTY Mr. SUMNER wished to know what Mr. CARPENTER meant by pursuing +him. He was used to being blackguarded by the enemies of his country, +but now he was hounded in the house of his friends. He had looked +through the whole Congressional Library and failed to find a precedent +for the course of the carping CARPENTER, except in the case of the +classic chap who had warmed a viper which had turned again and rent him. +He did not mean to say that Mr. CARPENTER was a viper, but he thought +nobody but an Adder would put this and that together as Mr. CARPENTER +had done. + +Mr. CARPENTER said that the passion of his friend from Boston for +maundering about himself amounted to a mild mania. All he had done was +to suggest that SUMNER had upheld States Rights twenty years ago, and +now pretended that he was never any such person. + +Mr. SUMNER said that twenty years ago the States Rights boot was upon +the other leg. AENEAS SILVIUS had well observed that it made a heap of +difference whose ox was gored, and HORACE had pointed out the difference +between tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee. Unless his reading of the +Cyclopedia had failed to inform him, he believed that there was a game +known as "Heads I win, tails you lose." That was his little game. When +Massachusetts States Rights were invoked to aid the colored man, States +Rights were good. When Southern States Rights were invoked to crush the +colored man, States Rights were bad. As for him, give him liberty or +give him rats. + +Mr. HARLAN wished to know why the Pacific Railway grant should be +passed. No officer of that railway had been to see him about it. He did +not believe in legislation of this kind. If a thing were worth having, +it was certainly worth asking for. He had no objection to breaking old +"ties," but he was averse to paying for new ones, unless he had some +personal reason for it. He wished he were altogether in the same +position as some of his colleagues, including these "bonds." + +WILSON, and CASSERLY, and THURMAN, and THAYER said that HARLAN was of no +account, and that was the reason why he had not been "seen." As long as +a majority was prepared, it was wasting money to conciliate any body +else. + +Mr. DRAKE said he had a better thing than the Pacific Railway. It was a +bill to provide that the Army and Navy of the United States might be put +on a war-footing on the application of any three colored persons. This +did not seem to be profitable, but it was. The profit in it was a JOB, +but much subtler than in the Pacific Railway. He hoped Senators would +see the illimitable vistas of patronage opened by the bill. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. BUTLER insisted upon his bill to annex Dominica. Somebody had said +that we had plenty of Dominicans already in the Southern States. This +was net so. He wanted to be Governor-General of Dominica. It was true +that silverware was not rife in that island, but there was an infinitude +of potential voters, who could be converted into coin. The House refused +to see it, however, and proceeded to discuss the case of SYPHER. Mr. +BROOKS said SYPHER was nothing. He did not see how SYPHER, who was a +nullity, could be figured out to be a member of Congress. Besides, +SYPHER lived in Pennsylvania. + +Mr. KELLEY said that was the very reason why SYPHER should be admitted. +Every body knew, who knew any thing of arithmetic, that a SYPHER in the +proper place amounted to a great deal. He would like to know what +objection there was to Pennsylvanians representing Louisiana? A +Pennsylvanian was sure to be right on the tariff, and a Louisianian was +sure to be wrong. Therefore a Pennsylvanian was a much better +representative than a Louisianian. Besides, SYPHER's hands were not red +with loyal blood, neither had he waded knee-deep in patriotic gore. + +Mr. BUTLER wanted to annex Dominica. + +Mr. Cox said he did not object to SYPHER'S coming in because he was a +Pennsylvanian. He was an Ohio man, and represented a New-York district. +But be thought there were too many SYPHERS here now. An integer or two +would be more useful to maintain the integrity of the House. + +Mr. BUTLER said he would like to introduce a bill to annex Dominica. + +Mr. FARNSWORTH said he didn't care any thing about the merits of the +case. He knew the committee was all right. It was a martter of comity to +go with the committee. If the House added a SYPHER, it would increase +their strength ten fold. + +Mr. STOKES said he would not weep for SYPHER if he were rejected. But he +would sigh for SYPHER, if he could cipher SYPHER in. + +Mr. BUTLER moved a bill to annex Dominica. + +SYPHER tried to swear himself in, but he had been so much irritated by +the previous proceedings that he found that he had sworn himself out. + +The House adjourned, except Mr. BUTLER, who was preparing a bill to +annex Dominica. + + * * * * * + +A REMONSTRANCE. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: In the _Express_ of Saturday, April 17th, I read the +following announcement, printed at the foot of the regular weather +table, furnished for that journal by Professor THATCHER: + +"Prediction.--It will not rain within 33/4 days from 8 P.M. + +"A. E. THATCHER." + +The positive character of this prediction made it very, welcome. My wife +and myself had been invited by friends in Westchester County to go to +their house on Saturday evening, stay all night, and pass the following +day--Easter-Sunday--with them. We had nearly made up our minds to do it. +They are very pleasant folks to visit, especially about Easter time; for +the man of the house has a mania for hens, and, being a dyer by trade, +his poultry, using the refuse of the drugs instead of gravel to aid +their digestion, lay natural painted eggs of the most varied and +delicate tints. If I am strict in any matter of religion, it is with +regard to having a blow-out of eggs at Easter. My wife is as fond of +eggs as myself, (the yolk sits lightly, she says, which is a joke upon +yoke,) and she required no egging on to persuade her to accept the +invitation. We were doubtful about the weather, though; but the +"Professor's" prediction decided us, and we went. + +I thought it felt mighty like rain as we walked the short distance from +the railway station to our host's. I had rain-pains in my back, and my +wife said her corns were shooting. Nor did our punctual aches deceive +us. Between that Saturday night and Easter-Sunday morning it began to +rain. Easter-Sunday was the wettest day I remember ever to have +experienced. There was no "let up" of the deluge throughout that day +and Easter-Monday. We--my wife and I--are suffering dreadfully from the +effects of Easter-eggs, which we were obliged to devour by the stack +merely to kill time, as we could not walk out. Should we die, I will let +you know; but really it was too bad of "Professor" THATCHER. + +WEATHERBOUND. + +P.S.--Who is "Professor" THATCHER? + + * * * * * + +THE BIRD OF WISDOM IN IOWA. + +Civilization, it seems, is making some headway in Iowa. Boys are no +longer allowed to shoot small birds there, especially song-birds. And so +the little warblers can pipe it all day, if they like, and when they +grow tired and hungry, they are welcome to refresh their small systems +at the strawberry beds. There is one feature of the regulation in +question, however, that does pain us. While vocal and fly-gobbling +talents are tenderly fostered, dignified Wisdom is not only neglected, +but persecuted. Our old friend the Owl is reputed by the people of Iowa +to be rather particular in his diet, (as all wise creatures are,) and to +prefer a nice young spring chicken to almost any other "delicacy of the +season"--a proof of wisdom and refinement that proved too much for the +people of Iowa. And so they have left the poor old Owl out of the +protective enactment; and it is not only legal to shoot him, but +meritorious. The legislators could have stood the wisdom, perhaps by +itself; and possibly they might have respected the taste; but the +combination troubled them, and could not, of course, be tolerated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE MERRY FIRST OF MAY." + +_First Young Wife_. "OH! THIS HORRID HOUSE-MOVING--AN'T YOU DISTRACTED +ABOUT IT, DEAR?" + +_Second Ditto_. "O DEAR! NO. WE HAVE ARRANGED IT NICELY. CHARLES WILL +SEE TO THE FURNITURE AND THINGS, AND I WILL SUPERINTEND THE REMOVAL OF +FIDO MYSELF."] + + * * * * * + +HOW A DISCIPLE OF FOX BECAME A LOVER OF BULL. + +PHILADELPHIA, 4th Month, 13th, 1870. + +FRIEND PUNCHINELLO: I know thee treats our good city with more +consideration than thy brother journalists, and so it is that I address +the on this occasion. Last night I listened to the fiddle of OLE BULL. I +had long known of this man, even from the time when I first attired +myself in a coat, (called by the world after the name of the abdomen of +a fish,) as one who + + --"skinned a cat + And put the fur around his hat." + +But having recently been made aware of the fact that this fiddler only +availed himself, in his vain exhibitions, of a part of the _felis_ which +was not necessary to its felicity after death, I determined to give a +portion of my worldly goods toward the building of a light-house on the +Norway coast, for which purpose, I heard it averred, this man's +performances were given; and I went to the building where the fiddling +was to be, to see if it were done with fidelity for this end. + +As I sat in the upper seats of the house, serenely elevated above the +vain throng, the man BULL appeared before me. His mien was humble and +his hair was of a gray tinge, which I attributed to the ceaseless +gratings of the instrument which he held on his arm, as carefully as if +it had been an immortal child. + +At first, though I labored conscientiously toward that end, I could +discover nothing in the sounds he made which reminded me in the least +degree of a Norwegian light-house. But suddenly I forgot that useful +monument. Against my will, I seemed to be wafted aloft, even to where +the seats were cheaper; and anon, I felt as though I disported among the +shameless figures on the ceiling of the house. I now forgot all things +earthly, even that suspicious bill which friend HOPKINS paid in to my +cashier on Second-day. Yea, my whole being became, as it were, strung +upon the entrails of a cat and tickled with the tail of horse. I felt as +if I were wafted aloft on a blanket of shivering scrapes while quivering +angels gently swung me among the stickery stars! And there I heard a +melody as though the edges of glass skies were softly rubbed together. +Then all was stiller, stiller, until methought I heard nothing but one +consumptive angel breathing in his sleep. But even that sound dribbled +away, until the last drop seemed to me about to be sucked down into a +hole at the bottom of the airy void, when suddenly there came a rush as +though a vast light-house of brass had fallen into a sea of tinkling +cymbals, and I jumped so violently that my spectacles slipped from off +my nose and fell among the vain ones below. + +A second time now came the fiddler forth, and soon methought I stood +within a surgeon's operating hall. The player drew his bow as though it +were a knife, gliding over the limb of a subject in a sleep. + +So keen the blade, so soft the touch, the sleeper did not wake! I +clutched my knees--my breath did cease! + +The skin divides! + +And still he sleeps. + +The muscles and the tendons fall apart! + +He moves not. + +Oh! That glittering blade + +It deeper goes! + +A--Ah! + +He wakes! + +He yells! + +Horror! And now, through flesh and bones that vengeful weapon grinds! + +'Mid screams and oaths! + +Down falls the leg... + +I staggered forward. My hat, which much clamor in the rear had not made +me remove, fell over the iron rail and plunged, resounding ike a sinful +drum, upon the head of a painted Jersey belle below. + +I heeded not, but groped me to the door. + +And now I write to thee, friend PUNCHINELLO. Can thee buy me such a +fiddle in New-York? Thy friend, + +VENTER CLUPLE. + + * * * * * + +A Puzzler. + +The Belgians, it is said, are anxious to have the letter _h_ dropped +from the French alphabet. As that contains no _w_, how, in the event of +a new elision, will the Parisians, who are so fond of English words, +manage to spell _wheelwright_? + + * * * * * + +A Blow that Hurteth not. + +The Blow of a flower. + + * * * * * + +A Pleasant Prospect. + +If the new Superintendent of the New-York Police Force is to be as +severely tried as was his predecessor, then, surely, JOURDAN will have +"a hard road to travel." + + * * * * * + + +"OUT OF THE STREETS." + + GEORGE W. MCLEAN am I, + And potent was my name, + Till TWEED and SWEENEY crossed my path + And spoiled my little game. + + Our city roads I supervised, + Long time, with pious care, + The people's Ways I strictly watched-- + Street, Avenue, and Square + + But now, from office rudely swept + By Legislative BILL, + The crossing-sweeper's broom I ply, + My empty pouch, to fill. + + * * * * * + +Honeymoons in the Air + +The rage for passing the honeymoon in a balloon appears to be on the +wane in this country. The reason for this may be that a majority of +those who enter wedlock find they "go up" soon enough without the aid of +a balloon. + + * * * * * + +Motto for Unsuccessful Croquet-Players. + +"Hoops deferred make the heart sick." + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | Have made large additions to their very popular stock of | + | | + | ENGLISH BODY BRUSSELS, | + | | + | At $1.75, $2, and $2.25 per yard. | + | | + | BEST QUALITY VELVETS, | + | | + | At $2.50 per yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | | + | At $2.50 and $3 per yard, | + | | + | MOQUETTES AND AXMINSTERS, | + | | + | At $3.50 and $4 per yard, | + | | + | ALSO, | + | | + | Will offer a choice assortment of | + | | + | Ingrains, Three-Ply, Cocoa, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | CANTON MATTINGS, | + | | + | ENGLISH AND DOMESTIC. | + | | + | OIL-CLOTHS, etc., | + | | + | Of the Best Quality and Newest Designs. | + | | + | Novelties in Carpets | + | | + | In one piece, with | + | | + | MEDALLIONS AND BORDERS, | + | | + | And also by the yard. Received by each and every steamer. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | Silks, Dress-Goods, Japanese Poplins, | + | | + | MOHAIRS, | + | | + | PLAID AND BROCHE BAREGES, | + | | + | FRENCH PRINTED ORGANDIES, | + | | + | Jaconets, Percales, Iron Bareges, | + | | + | AND GRENADINE DITTO. | + | | + | Forming the largest assortment of choice, fresh goods they | + | have ever offered. | + | | + | The attention of their customers and the public is | + | respectfully invited. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be | + | to speak a foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce | + | it correctly; and these are the objects which are | + | most carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY SYSTEM. | + | | + | The Mastery of Languages; | + | | + | OR, | + | | + | THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES | + | IDIOMATICALLY. | + | | + | BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST. | + | | + | I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. | + | II. The Mastery Series, French. | + | III. The Mastery Series, German. | + | IV. The Mastery Series, Spanish. | + | | + | PRICE 50 CENTS EACH. | + | | + | _From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute | + | College._ | + | | + | "The results which crowned the labor of the first week were | + | so astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest | + | doubts should be raised as to his credibility. But this much | + | he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a study of less | + | than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the | + | newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects." | + | | + | FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS. | + | | + | "The principle may be explained in a line--it is first | + | learning the language, and then studying the grammer, and | + | then learning (or trying to learn) the language."--_Morning | + | Star_. | + | | + | "We know that there are some who have given Mr. | + | Prendergast's plan a trial, and discovered that in a few | + | weeks its results had surpassed all their | + | expectations."--_Record_. | + | | + | "A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced | + | us that the method is sound."--_Papers for the | + | Schoolmaster_. | + | | + | "The simplicity and naturalness of the system are | + | obvious."--_Herald_ (Birmingham.) | + | | + | "We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the | + | result in a reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_. | + | | + | FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS. | + | | + | "The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child | + | learns to talk."--_Troy Whig_. | + | | + | "We would advise all who are about to begin the study of | + | languages to give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_. | + | | + | "For European travellers this volume is | + | invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_. | + | | + | Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of | + | the United States on receipt of price. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers, | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | _Third Edition._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, | + | | + | Have now ready the Third Edition of | + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | From the New-York _Evening Express_. | + | "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents | + | breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title." | + | | + | From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. | + | "The author can and does write well; the descriptions of | + |scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and never | + | overstrained." | + | | + | D.A. & Co. have just published: | + | | + | A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE | + | RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. | + | By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | + | | + | REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT | + | OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A | + | DESCRIPTIONS OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY | + | OF THE MOST INTERESTING. | + | By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. | + | 8vo. $6. | + | | + | HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS | + | LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. | + | By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | + | | + | HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF | + | LEARNING LANGUAGES. | + | | + | I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | + | II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | + | III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | + | IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. | + | Price, 50 cents each. | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | BURCH'S | + | | + | Merchant's Restaurant | + | | + | AND | + | | + | DINING-ROOM, | + | | + | 310 BROADWAY, | + | | + | BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS. | + | | + | _Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._ | + | | + | _Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._ | + | | + | _Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._ | + | | + | M.C. BURCH, of New-York. | + | | + | A. STOW, of Alabama. | + | | + | H.A. CARTER, of Massachusetts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | EXTRA PREMIUMS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | Upon receipt of Five Dollars we will send PRANG & Co.'s | + | Superb Chromo of | + | | + | "EASTER MORNING." | + | | + | Size, 6-3/4 x 10-1/4. (Selling price, $3.) Free by mail. And | + | a copy of | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO | + | | + | FOR ONE YEAR. | + | | + | For Ten Dollars the Larger Size of | + | | + | "EASTER MORNING." | + | | + | 14x21. (Selling price, $10.) Free by mail. And a copy of | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO | + | | + | FOR ONE YEAR. | + | | + | The regular subscription to PUNCHINELLO is Four Dollars, | + | payable in advance. | + | | + | This offer will be kept open only for a limited time, and | + | persons desirous to avail themselves of it will please | + | | + | SEND IN AT ONCE. | + | | + | Remittances should be made in Money Orders, Bank Checks, or | + | Drafts on New-York, or by Registered Letters. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: OUR PAVEMENTS. + +_Timid Tax-payer_. "WHAT! GOING TO PAVE THIS STREET AGAIN? WHY, IT WAS +NEWLY PAVED ONLY A WEEK AGO!" + +_Gentlemanly Contractor_. "PAVED? NOT MUCH! FOUNDATION LAID, ONLY; AND +NOW WE'RE GOIN' TO PUT THE JOBBER'S PATENT TOP-SOLID-SUPERSTRUCTURE OVER +THAT!"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WALTHAM WATCHES. | + | | + | 3-4 PLATE. | + | | + | _16 and 20 Sizes._ | + | | + | To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | + | devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | + | command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | + | beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of | + | mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | + | execution these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | + | | + | In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | + | Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | + | | + | FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | _Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M._ | + | | + | Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten | + | Thousand Dollars, will be received. | + | | + | Six Per Cent Interest, Free of | + | Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | Commences on the first of every month | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_. | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, | + | EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance | + | to Oil Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout | + | the world. PRANG'S WEEKLY BULLETIN: "Bo-Peep," "Queen of the | + | Woods," "First Lesson in Music," "Travelling Comedians," | + | "City and Country Life." Illustrated Catalogues sent on | + | receipt of a stamp by | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + + Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. + No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. + No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S. W. GREEN. PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, MAY 7, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9960.txt or 9960.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/9/6/9960/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve +Schulze\and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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