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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 5, 2003 [EBook #9960]
+[Most recently updated: July 13, 2020]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, MAY 7, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+NEARLY READY.
+
+ALASKA and its RESOURCES.
+
+By W. H. DALL,
+
+Director of the Scientific Corps of the Western Union Telegraph
+Expedition.
+
+Full Octavo, with nearly One Hundred Elegant Illustrations, engraved by
+the late JOHN ANDREW, from drawings by the Author. This volume contains
+not only the record of a THREE YEARS residence in Alaska—made under the
+most favorable circumstances for explorations—but a complete history of
+the country gathered from every available source. It is very full in
+details of Productions, Climate, Soil, Temperature, Language, the
+Manners and Customs of its peoples, etc., etc.; and is the most
+valuable, as well as the most authentic, addition to the history of
+Alaska. And is one of the most elegant books issued in America.
+
+LEE & SHEPARD, Boston.
+TO NEWS-DEALERS.
+PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY.
+THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL,
+Bound in a Handsome Cover,
+Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents.
+THE TRADE
+Supplied by the
+AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,
+Who are now prepared to receive Orders.
+HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S
+STEEL PENS.
+
+These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any
+other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following
+grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen
+manufactured. The
+
+"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive."
+We recommend for bank and office use.
+D. APPLETON & CO., Sole Agents for United States.
+
+[Illustration: Vol. 1. No. 6.]
+
+
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+Vol. I. No. 6.
+
+
+SATURDAY, MAY 7, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
+
+_CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the paper for
+binding, will be sent, postpaid, on receipt of One Dollar, by
+"Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau Street, New-York City._
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+J. NICKINSON,
+Room No. 4,
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+HERCULES
+MUTUAL
+
+LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY
+
+OF THE UNITED STATES
+
+No. 240 Broadway, New-York.
+
+POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE.
+
+All Policies
+
+Entitled to Participation in Profits.
+
+Dividends Declared Annually.
+
+JAMES D. REYMERT, President.
+
+ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary
+
+THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., Medical Examiner.
+
+ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED.
+Mercantile Library,
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place
+New-York.
+This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+TO CLERKS,
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
+BRANCH OFFICES
+NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+AND AT
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+The Greatest Horse Book ever Published.
+HIRAM WOODRUFF on the TROTTING HORSE OF AMERICA!
+_How to Train and Drive Him._
+
+With Reminiscenses of the Trotting Turf. A handsome 12mo, with a
+splendid steel-plate portrait of Hiram Woodruff. Price, extra cloth,
+$2.25.
+
+The New-York Tribune says: _"This is a Masterly Treatise by the Master
+of his Profession_—the ripened product of forty years' experience in
+Handling, Training, Riding, and Driving the Trotting Horse. There is no
+book like it in any language on the subject of which it treats."
+
+Bonner says in the _Ledger_, "It is a book for which every man who owns
+a horse ought to subscribe. The information which it contains is worth
+ten times its cost." For sale by all booksellers, or single copies sent
+postpaid on receipt of price.
+Agents wanted.
+
+J. B. FORD & CO, Printing-House Square, New-York.
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+New-York,
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._
+
+All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to any
+responsible house. Also Importers of the
+
+"FUSBOS" BRAND,
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from ten to
+twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by calling at
+29 LIBERTY STREET
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of
+a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more
+positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+PUNCHINELLO,
+The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a
+superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for
+sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a
+good thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+TERMS:
+One copy, per year, in advance $4.00
+Single copies, ten cents.
+A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.
+One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper,
+price $2.50, for 5.50
+
+One copy, with any magazine or paper, price $4, for 7.00
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+No. 83 Nassau Street
+NEW-YORK
+P.O. Box, 2783.
+_(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_
+AMERICAN
+BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING,
+AND
+SEWING-MACHINE CO.,
+563 Broadway, New-York.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
+all former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best
+Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+
+BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;
+in all fabrics.
+Machine, with finely finished
+OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER
+
+complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This
+last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep
+in order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full
+instruction given to purchasers.
+
+Notice to Ladies.
+
+DIBBLEE,
+
+Of 854 Broadway,
+
+Has just received a large assortment of all the latest styles of
+Chignons, Chatelaines, etc.
+
+FROM PARIS,
+
+Comprising the following beautiful varieties:
+
+La Coquette, La Plenitude, 
+Le Bouquet,
+La Sirene, L'Imperatrice, etc.,
+
+At prices varying from $2 upward.      
+HENRY SPEAR
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+AND
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+MADE TO ORDER.
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+82 Wall Street,
+NEW-YORK.
+WEVILL & HAMMAR,
+Wood Engravers,
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+NEW-YORK.
+
+Illustration: YE YONGE MANNE OF MANHATTAN
+
+Ye Yonge Manne is born, and his parents hasten with him to ye abode of
+ye BROWN, praying that he may be christened among ye upper tenne.
+
+And when ye Yonge Manne takes a daughter of ye upper tenne to wife, ye
+BROWN sees that he is married in ye BROWN his church.
+
+Ye BROWN demands if ye parents put in their coal in ye Summer time;
+and, being told that they do, he has ye Yonge Manne christened in his
+church, and when he grows up ye BROWN introduces him into Society.
+
+And when ye Yonge Manne he dies, ye BROWN arranges with all ye
+gardeners and black-goods men. And so, ye Yonge Manne, he is done
+entirely BROWN.
+
+
+
+
+      THE BACHELOR'S MOVING-DAY.
+
+
+    AHA!
+  A mere half-hour's bother!
+  Suppose I were a father—
+A luckless wight, called "Pa"!
+    I'd say,
+  "Now curse the restless rover
+  That first (despising clover!)
+Invented Moving-day!"
+    O yes!
+  Especially, if moving
+  Was likely to be proving
+(As usual) a mess!
+    Why, look!
+  You've got no end of articles.
+  Sure to be smashed to particles,
+Or "snaked off" with a "hook"!
+    You've got
+  Chairs, bedsteads, tables, crockery—
+  (Recital seems a mockery!)
+You've got—what have you not?
+    What's worse,
+  Your things won't fit new places,
+  Your wife won't like new faces—
+Your very maid will curse!
+    Your hat
+  And other things _do_ fall so!
+  And children they _do_ bawl so!
+Good heavens! think of that,
+    And think
+  Of possible colds and fevers—
+  Cartmen that prove deceivers—
+Nothing to eat or drink!
+    Small bliss
+  For bachelors so lonely—.
+  Tired of one thing only:
+But they escape all this!
+    And pray,
+  What man with sons and daughters
+  Don't sigh for bachelor quarters
+About the First of May?
+
+Printed, according to Act of Congress, in the year
+1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of
+the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of
+New York.
+
+
+
+
+
+      THE DELIGHTS OF DOUGHERTY.
+
+
+At the Banquet of the Army of the Potomac in Philadelphia, Mr.
+DANIEL
+DOUGHERTY made one of the most extraordinary speeches on record, if we
+except certain forensic efforts of Mr. PUNCHINELLO delivered during the
+earlier stages of his career from his box. Mr. DOUGHERTY is a Soarer,
+and a Spreader, and a Screamer. Speaking metaphorically, be goes
+higher,
+measures more from the tip of one wing to the other, and is more
+suggestive of the warbling of a locomotive in his speech than any other
+Eagle in Philadelphia, which is saying a great deal. DANIEL is a Giant
+of Rhetoric, and would remind us of the Big Gentleman from Cardiff,
+only
+that mysterious personage is too heavy to Soar; for which reason he
+usually occupies the ground floor, which Mr. DOUGHERTY does not do by
+any manner of means.
+
+It was this extraordinary capacity of Mr. DOUGHERTY for
+Soaring which
+caused him to be called upon by the Army of the Potomac for a speech.
+The great D. begins by declaring that he would rather speak for his
+country than for Pennsylvania, which, considering that he also declared
+that he came "as a modest spectator," does not strike us as the depth
+of
+humility. However, "my bosom," said Mr. D., "is not confined to any
+locality;" and we believe that Mr. PECKSNIFF said something like this
+of
+his own frontal linen. Yet, we should like to know what Mr. DOUGHERTY
+does for a chest when his own has gone upon its extensive journeys;
+something temporary is done, we suppose, with a pad. But the Bosom was
+at the Banquet, and the proprietor was there to thump it, until it must
+have sounded and reverberated; and if Mr. DOUGHERTY had also thumped
+his
+head, there would have been equal evidence of hollowness within. "May
+my
+tongue never prove a traitor!" cried the orator. Mr. PUNCHINELLO
+hastens
+to reassure him. The tongue is well enough, and is likely to be. It's
+something a little higher up that is likely to give out.
+
+If the applause of the brave men before him was what Mr.
+DOUGHERTY
+wanted, (besides his dinner,) then of applause he got the Stomach under
+his Bosom full. The speech was received, according to the reporters,
+with a roaring which has not been equalled since the Lions in the Den
+roared at the other DANIEL, until they found that the good man was
+neither to be roared or sneezed at with impunity. The cheering was
+"tremendous." The cheering was "terrific." The cheering was
+"prolonged."
+And there stood "the Bosom not confined to any locality," but just then
+swelling, and expanding, and dilating—shall we for once be fine, and
+say like an Ocean Billow? Voices which shouted at Gettysburg now hailed
+Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY as a Conquering Hero—the conqueror of their cars!
+Once in a while there was "great laughter" when Mr. D.D. hadn't said
+any
+thing specially funny—that is, if Mr. PUNCHINELLO is a judge of fun;
+and if he isn't, who in all the world is? There are two kinds of
+laughter—the laughing at and the laughing with; and we have known
+"tremendous" and even "vociferous" applause to be very suspicious.
+
+It must be a source of calm satisfaction to General GRANT to
+know that
+he is considered the "great and glorious GRANT" by Mr. DANIEL
+DOUGHERTY;
+although DANIEL once considered Mr. BUCHANAN, poor man! to be equally
+"great and glorious." So DANIEL also considers SHERMAN to be
+"immortal,"
+and SHERIDAN "unconquerable," and MEADE "glorious." Adjectives are
+cheap, you know; and D.D., Esq., has evidently a great stock of them in
+his Wandering Bosom. Only, great soldiers, who know the precise value
+of
+Mr. DOUGHERTY'S military opinions, might not care to have them laid on
+too thickly.
+
+Mr. PUNCHINELLO has written to Mr. DOUGHERTY'S Family Doctor
+to inquire
+into the state of Mr. D's health after this tremendous effort, and he
+sends us a bulletin that Mr. D. is "as well as could be expected." We
+do
+not know what he means by this; it seems to us to lack scientific
+precision. The point upon which we wished to be informed was, whether
+Mr. D. did or did not break any thing—not the tumblers on the table,
+for that we should expect; but any thing in the way of blood-vessels.
+Not to put too fine a point upon it, How's the Bosom?
+
+
+
+
+AMERICAN CUTLERY IN FRANCE.
+
+
+The great pride, the _dulce decus_ of Americans, has
+long been in their
+pocket hardware, and the skill with which they use it. But we must
+henceforth look to our laurels. France is competing alarmingly with us
+in the use of the revolver. They were always a revolutionary people,
+were the French, and revolving seems, therefore, to suit their temper
+to
+a T, (Gunpowder T, of course.) Since the slaying of NOIR by BONAPARTE,
+the affectation of readiness with the pistol has become quite the thing
+in Paris. New-York and Paris will soon be exactly alike in the bullet
+business—especially Paris. PAUL DE CASSAGNAC, it seems, has been
+invited by some anonymous person to meet him at a certain hour in front
+of the _mairie_ of the Seventeenth _arrondissement_, for
+the purpose of
+having his brains removed with a revolver. PAUL declined to go,
+however.
+The _Mairie_ mentioned in the cartel was not the one for PAUL.
+Probably
+he would have gone to VIRGINIA, had he been invited to do so; but never
+a MAIRIE for the faithful PAUL. And might have come by way of New-York,
+where he would soon have grown so used to having his brains removed
+with
+a revolver that the process would have become a pleasure to him.
+
+
+
+
+PHILADELVINGS.
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO cannot help liking Philadelphia, and always feels a pang of
+sympathy whenever any thing happens to that plain old city. One reason
+for this is, (and he is not ashamed of the weakness,) that Philadelphia
+likes PUNCHINELLO and takes, weekly, he would not be vain enough to say
+how many hundred copies of his journal. And now Philamaclink, as her
+natives love to call her, is afflicted with a terrible disease—a
+fearful attack of chronic Legislature. Even when the active symptoms of
+this dread malady have subsided, the effects linger, and the consequent
+suffering is excruciating. One of the direst of the effects of the last
+attack is a dreadful bill—not a bile—which has caused a utilization
+sewage company to appear upon her body corporate. It is almost
+impossible for sister cities to understand the torments of such an
+affliction. Nobody can now clear away their own dirt—Councils, Board of
+Health, or any body else. If rooms are swept, the sewage company must
+take up the dust; if a pig-pen or a stable needs cleaning, the company
+must do it; if the lady of a house throws the slops out of her
+breakfast cups, the company must carry them away; if a man knocks the
+ashes from his cigar, he must save them for the company; if, anywhere
+in the city, a foul word is spoken, the company must have the benefit
+of it. Even the birds in the squares must not cleanse their nests
+without a printed permit from the company. If a bedstead is cleaned,
+the company must have the bugs. Only one dirty thing is safe from this
+all-powerful corporation, and that is the legisiative delegation from
+the city. If the refuse matter were taken from that, there would be
+nothing left. It has been proposed that the Legislature itself should
+be purified; but this idea is Utopian, PUNCHINELLO fears. If Niagara
+were squirted through its halls, the water would be dirtied, but the
+halls would not be cleansed. Alas, poor city! Trampled under the heels
+of the aristocratic HONG and PENNY BUNN, what is there to hope for it?
+
+But all has not been told. There are about eight hundred thousand
+inhabitants in the place. Some twenty thousand of these owe small sums
+for unpaid taxes, averaging about nine and a quarter cents to a man. To
+collect these sums, an army of seventy-two thousand able-bodied men, at
+salaries of one thousand dollars per annum, has been commissioned by
+the PENNY BUNN Legislature.
+
+Alas, poor city! But all has not been told. A private firm has
+prevailed upon the imbecile old farmers from the western and interior
+counties to give them the right to build a private freight railroad
+through many of the principal streets of the Quaker City. This road
+will run through several school-house yards, and the time-tables are to
+be so arranged that trains shall always be due at those points at
+recess time. Every fiftieth private house along the lines is to have a
+road-station and freight-depot in its front-parlor, and all male
+residents on said routes are to serve in turn, without pay, as
+brakesmen and switch-tenders. The owners of all vehicles injured by the
+trains are to be heavily fined, and the families of individuals
+allowing themselves to be killed are to be mulcted in heavy damages.
+
+Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. A counterfeit tax-bill
+has been passed by the Legislature. All the sums handed in to the State
+Treasury by the tax collectors have been found to be "bogus" money.
+This action has been indorsed by the Legislature, and the action of
+that body is hereafter to be of the same character as the funds paid in
+by its creatures.
+
+Alas, poor city! But all has not yet been told. Colonel FORNEY intends
+resuming his "Occasional" letters in the _Press!_
+
+Enough! Humanity can bear no more.
+
+
+
+
+Query by a Constitutional Student.
+
+When the Governor or President V-toes a bill, is he supposed
+to put his foot on it?
+
+
+
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+
+SPECTACLES are proverbially fit for old eyes. Probably that is the
+reason why the spectacle of the _Twelve Temptations_ is so dear to the
+aged eyes of the gray-haired old gentlemen who occupy the front seats
+at the Grand Opera House. It is certainly a brilliant spectacle,
+though, like the ideal scene to which Mrs. NICKLEBY's eccentric and
+vegetarian lover once referred, it consists principally of "gas and
+gaiters." Not that it is exclusively an Old Folks' entertainment; for,
+as the critics say of portentously dull juvenile books, "it will be
+found as interesting to the young as to the old." Though the dullest of
+dramas, it is so brightened by brilliant legs that it dazzles every
+beholder. Why, then, should the stern advocate of the legitimate drama
+refuse to acknowledge that the _Twelve Temptations_ has its redeeming
+legs? How runs the ancient proverb, "Singed milk is better than it
+looks;" or that equally ancient philosophical maxim, "There is no use
+in crying over spilt cats"? The stupid story of ULRIC'S folly is made
+more attractive than one would suppose that it could be, and we need
+not weep over the fact that it is a spectacle, and not a SHAKESPEAREAN
+tragedy.
+
+
+The bold explorers who have reached the remote Opera House, fought
+their way past the misanthropic door-keeper, and gained their seats,
+are first reduced to a state of mental chaos by the performance of a
+maddening overture, and are then fitted to appreciate the play, which
+proceeds after the following pattern:
+
+
+_Act 1. Curtain rises upon a score of Unintelligible Demons_,
+who sing
+this impressive chorus:
+
+    "Oh! um um um um
+    For um um um um
+    And um um um um
+    To um um um um." 
+
+_Exeunt Demons. Enter_ RUDOLPH THE TEMPTER. _He
+remarks to the
+surrounding scenery_—"ULLERIC'S soul must be mine, or else the dark
+abodes of torment await me. I will tempt him. Great Master, appear."
+
+_The Great Master—a major-general of fiends—appears, and,
+approving
+of_ RUDOLPH'S _virtuous resolve, they descend to—well, they
+descend
+below the Erie Building, to drink to his success. Scene changes to_
+ULRIC'S _home. Enter_ ULRIC _and family, including Aged
+Mother, Virtuous
+Heroine, Hated Rival, and Demoniac Servant._
+
+ULRIC. "Motherr, this slife is intollerrabble; I will do any
+thing to
+escape frrrom it."
+
+_Enter_ RUDOLPH _and Unintelligible Demons
+(disguised.) They sing as
+before._
+
+    "Oh! um um um um," etc.
+
+ULRIC. "The song says terruly. I will go with you, though you
+were the
+fiend himself."
+
+_Consternation on the part of every one. Demoniac Servant
+remarks, "Ha!
+ha!"_ ULRIC _and the Demons sink through the floor. Scene changes
+to the
+Studio of Eblis._
+
+RUDOLPH. "Take this collar. Behold these stripes painted upon
+it.
+Whatever you wish you shall have at the price of five years of your
+life. A stripe will vanish each time your wish is gratified. (_Aside._)
+The stripes are only cloth, you know, and you can pull 'em off when
+your
+back is turned to the audience. Is it a bargain?"
+
+ULRIC. "It 'er is." (_Malignant crash from the orchestra._)
+
+RUDOLPH. "ULLERIC, 'tis well. Now thou shall behold our
+sports."
+
+_Enter ballet girls, dressed in red gaiters and torches.
+They dance the
+Demon Cancan, waving their torches and scattering the flames. Old
+Gentleman, in the front row hears such charming little asides as, "Drat
+you,_ MARY SMITH, _you've burnt my hand." "I'll slap your face,
+Miss, if
+you step on my foot again." "O_ NELLY! _my hair's a-coming down."_
+
+Curtain finally falls upon a blaze of light and a bewildering
+wealth of
+legs.
+
+_Old Gentleman, in front row._ "Well, he! he! that's pretty
+good; he! he!
+Devilish pretty girls some of 'em; he! he!"
+
+_Virtuous Matron._ "My dear, isn't it shameful. I never
+saw any thing so
+disgusting."
+
+_Sceptical Husband._ "Then perhaps we'd better go at
+once."
+
+_Virtuous Matron._ "N—no. I'll sit through one more act,
+and see if it
+gets any worse."
+
+_Fast Young Man._ "They're all padded, you know. You
+can't feel sure
+about one of 'em. There were gals in the _Crook_ who used to pad
+their's
+from here to here"—(_adds explanatory pantomime._)
+
+_Travelled Man, who has been to Paris._ "These girls
+can't dance, I
+assure you. Now, at the Châtelet they do these things
+differently."
+
+_Admiring Friend to Travelled Man._ "What spectacles did
+you see at the
+Châtelet?"
+
+_Travelled Man,_ (who was in Paris only two days, and
+never saw even the
+outside of the theatre.) "It was—let me see—Oh! _Moses in Egypt_
+was
+the name of the piece. It was gorgeous; full of Egyptian scenery, and
+Egyptian dancing girls and things."
+
+_Admiring Friend, (with aggravating persistence.)_ "Do
+you mean
+Rossini's _Moses_?"
+
+_Travelled Man, (quite desperate.)_ "Of course! He's the
+rival of
+OFFENBACH, you know. But come, let's go and take something."
+
+(_They go, the faith of the Admiring Friend in the Travelled
+Man's
+veracity being, however, perceptibly shaken._)
+
+Three more acts follow. ULRIC makes a dozen wishes, all of which are
+gratified, and all of which have the inevitable effect of transporting
+him into scenes pervaded by the female leg to an extent that easily
+reconciles him to the successive loss of five years of his life. He
+finally becomes King of Egypt, and, after having fought against the
+Crusaders in defence of those well-known Mohammedan gods, ISIS and
+OSIRIS, is carried down a trap by exulting demons. An Intolerable Comic
+Man opens up hitherto unknown wastes of dreariness, and sings a comic
+song that is positively more tedious than an article from the _Nation_.
+The Demoniac Servant is continually shot up through spring traps, in
+order to remark, "Ha! ha!" and to immediately disappear again. The Aged
+Mother travels from Flanders to Egypt without changing her dress or
+combing her back hair, for the vain purpose of begging "ULLERIC" to
+repent. Consumptive Knights fight terrific broad-sword duels with a
+thirst for combat that beer alone is subsequently able to allay. The
+Virtuous HEROINE displays a very neat pair of ankles, but without
+winning "ULLERIC" from the devil of his ways. Half a dozen ballets are
+successively introduced, in which the skirts of the dancers are seen to
+decrease as rapidly and steadily as the stripes on ULRIC'S magic
+collar.
+
+Finally, a grand Transformation Scene, which has nothing whatever to do
+with the play, exhibits the best legs of the company in the most
+favorable attitudes, and the green baize curtain falls upon the great
+spectacle of the day.
+
+_Virtuous Matron._ "Well, I never! It's positively
+indecent. I'd like to
+take a whip to those shameless hussies."
+
+_Sceptical Husband._ "PAGE offered me a proscenium box
+the other day.
+Suppose we take it to-morrow night?"
+
+_Virtuous Matron._ "I'll go to please you, my dear. And
+really the
+scenery is pretty."
+
+_Wretched Man, who is shameless enough to admit that he likes it._ "I
+like it. The ballet's good, the scenery is splendid, and the music
+might be worse. Why don't these ladies, who come here and sit it
+through, have the honesty to admit that they come because they like it?
+But no; they go away, and at the next party, where they wear dresses
+lower in the neck than any I've seen on the stage to night, they'll
+abuse the poor girls who have danced here for their amusement. Their
+malignant modesty does not deserve the respect of an intelligent
+_figurante_. If they are sincere, why do they come here?"
+
+Which question still puzzles the perturbed mind of _MATADOR_.
+
+
+
+
+Give 'em Rope.
+
+We clip the following from the _Express_:
+
+"There seem to be more legal loopholes for convicted murderers
+to escape through than for any other class of criminals."
+
+That is too true, by a great deal. There should be but one
+"legal loophole" for a convicted murderer, and the authorities should
+not let him escape through the loop of it—they should Knot.
+
+[Illustration: A MOVING INCIDENT.
+_Pat, (to Bridget.)_ “TAKE YOUR MASTHER’S TRUNK TO THE RAILROAD, IS
+IT? OCH! BOTHER—DON’T YOU SEE I’M MOVIN’ A FAMILY?”]
+
+
+
+
+THE "TOBACCO PARLIAMENT" OF OHIO.
+
+
+For genial law-making in America commend us to the Ohio House
+of
+Representatives. While we haven't learned that the legislation of this
+august body has been particularly hazy of late, we think it must have
+been wholesome, for we are assured that much of it has been thoroughly
+"fumigated" through the exertions of the majority of its members, who
+perform their functions with pipes in their mouths, while drawn up in
+semi-circle around a couple of fire-places built expressly for their
+accommodation—"one on each side of the speaker's desk," Who _wouldn't_
+legislate, (and early, too,) if he could do it with his feet on the
+fender, his well-flavored Havana or best Virginia leaf in his mouth,
+and
+the privilege of cracking jokes and telling naughty stories _ad
+interim?_ Go it, ye Buckeye lawmakers! Shall we hear of any sympathy
+for
+Cuba in that quarter?
+
+
+
+
+A "Woman's Physic."
+
+(MRS. C—N TO MRS. MCF—D.)
+
+"My Darling, I have found a panacea for all woes, In Man:
+
+      _When one man will not suit
+or stay,__
+
+      Then get another, right away."_
+
+
+
+
+CABLE NEWS.
+
+[EXCLUSIVELY FOR PUNCHINELLO.]
+
+GREAT BRITAIN.
+
+The Great PUNCHINELLO dinner has come off! JENKINS was there,
+and was to
+have telegraphed an account. But he was not so well as usual the next
+day, the Thames water having got into his head. JENKINS never _could_
+take much water. So your correspondent is obliged to trust to his
+memory—unaffected by the water, which he did not take.
+
+Old London Tavern was the scene of this banquet, given by the _literati_
+of England in honor of the long-wished-for coming of PUNCHINELLO. The
+dining-hall was decorated for the occasion with appropriate portraits.
+There were HOGARTH, CERVANTES, ADDISON, MOLIÈRE, SWIFT, STERNE,
+GOLDSMITH, TOM HOOD, IRVING, THACKERAY, DICKENS, and ARTEMUS WARD. A
+number of the waiters were costumed in character. From my seat, I
+recognized SAM WELLER, (right behind me;) the Fat Boy of _Pickwick;_
+SANCHO PANZA, and JEAMES YELLOWPLUSH.
+
+Mr. PUNCH was represented at the head of the table so well
+that you
+could know him at once from his weekly frontispiece. On one side of him
+sat CHARLES DICKENS; on the other, your humble ambassador. It would be
+rather invidious to name the other hundred guests; not to be there was
+to be nowhere in literature. Near me there sat Lord LYTTON, TOM HUGHES,
+PRÉVOST PARADOL, EDMOND ABOUT, CHARLES KINGSLEY, PAUL
+FÉVAL, and the
+Rev. JOHN CUMMING.
+
+Asking, in a whisper, of Mr. PUNCH how the latter very staid
+individual
+came to be there, I understood that, of all the absurd men of this
+century, he was selected as the most representatively preposterous. The
+PRINCE OF WALES was not asked, lest his morals might be hurt by
+something that was said. And it is so important, you know, for the
+British nation—(for the rest, see the _Saturday Review_.) And
+then
+Madame GEORGE SAND was to be there, who sometimes wears trowsers.
+
+MATTHEW ARNOLD was spoken to about it; but he replied gruffly,
+
+"PUNCHINELLO is Goliath of the Philistines!" and declined.
+
+JOHN STUART MILL was too busy over his next book, which is to
+be "On the
+Subjection of Horses." But every body else was there, so we did not
+miss
+these grave and reverend seigniors.
+
+How the twenty-five courses came on and went off, from the
+ox-tail soup
+and salmon to the dessert, it would need the tongue or pen of SOYER or
+PIERRE BLOT to narrate; as it needed the capacity of a FALSTAFF to do
+justice to them. And then, when the cover was removed, came the time of
+trial to your correspondent. "The Queen" and "the President" were drunk
+with all the honors. Then Mr. PUNCH called out, through his magnificent
+old nose, so that you might have heard him across the Channel, "Health
+and long life to PUNCHINELLO!"
+
+Now, your correspondent had remembered Mr. HAWTHORNE'S
+experience at a
+Lord Mayor's dinner, and had begged Mr. PUNCH by all means to let him
+off without a speech. But, more worldly-wise than HAWTHORNE, he didn't
+believe that Mr. PUNCH would keep his promise; so he had prepared a
+speech, beginning, "Not anticipating any occasion to open my lips in
+this illustrious company, you must allow me to speak altogether on the
+impulse of the moment." (Hear, hear.) So this had to be delivered; but
+for the rest of it, and of the dinner, you must wait for my next
+telegram. Mr. PUNCH is going to have the speech published in pamphlet
+form, for distribution among his numerous constituents. So, now for the
+rest of my _news_.
+
+FRANCE.
+
+The PRINCE OF MONACO has declared war against France. OLLIVIER
+proposes
+to send the PRINCE IMPERIAL to extinguish him with a corps of infantry,
+armed with popguns; no one to be admitted to the corps who is more than
+four years old. MONACO aspires to be a sort of LOPEZ.
+
+TURKEY.
+
+Sultan ABDUL AZIZ has just had a visit from a friend of JOHN
+BRIGHT'S.
+To the surprise of every body, even his most intimate friends, the
+Sultan immediately made up his mind to turn Quaker! He came down
+stairs,
+and went into mosque, the other day, with a broad-brimmed hat, straight
+coat, and drab trowsers; and insisted on all the ladies of his _hareem_
+putting on plain bonnets, and holding a "silent meeting" in the
+Seraglio! How it bothered them to do that last thing you may well
+suppose! More anon, from PRIME.
+
+
+
+
+A Bit of Fish.
+
+
+SECRETARY FISH is said to preserve a decidedly spruce
+appearance
+at the State Dinners. Fish is nothing if not Fin-ical.
+
+
+
+
+FISH SAUCE.
+
+
+The sight of a thick, four-pound steak, just cut from a halibut that
+must have weighed, (the idea of a fish wading!) some two hundred
+pounds, reminds us that trout-fishing is just now in full operation.
+What a strange, weird mystery there is about mental associations! Long,
+long ago, we possessed a favorite trout-rod fitted with a Hollow Butt,
+and so it is that whenever we see a Halibut, trouting comes to our
+mind.
+
+Yesterday, frogs were croaking, and insects all in green livery, with
+gilt buttons, contributed to Nature's Great Boston Jubilee of music
+with their hum. How ridiculous it seems that insects should have a
+hum!—and yet the Bee has its Hum in its hive.
+
+It is at this season that enthusiastic anglers always get water on the
+brain. Their dreams are of gurgling brooks. They have visions of
+mill-ponds, with beautiful little cascades sluicing into them over
+dams. They stand, in imagination, on bridges, in the eddies beneath
+which they discern the wagging of silvery tails and rosy fins; and a
+very common form of nightmare with them is to fancy that the reel of
+the fishing-rod won't work, just as they are going to wind up a
+four-pound trout.
+
+Now, also, is the time when friend gives much advice to friend on the
+subject of the "gentle art." (A trout's opinion on this branch of art,
+by the by, would be worth having. Perhaps he might not consider it so
+gentle.)
+
+One student of the angle will say to another, "Always fish up the
+stream. Fish lie with their heads to the current and their tails in the
+opposite direction: therefore, by casting up-stream, you run the less
+chance of being seen by them."
+
+Another says, "Be sure you make your casts down-stream; your bob-flies
+like it better, as you can see by the way they dance on the ripples."
+
+Quoth another, "Always soak your casting-lines with water before you
+start for the river-side;" while a fourth instructs you never to
+straighten your lines with water, but by passing them through a piece
+of India rubber doubled between the finger and thumb.
+
+_Our_ advice is, Never cast against the wind. In fact, you can't do it;
+and if you try it, you run the risk of getting _strabismus_—that is,
+the Cast in your eye. Artificial flies, like artificial flowers, never
+should follow nature. Manufacturers of both articles perfectly
+understand this; and hence the superiority of their productions to the
+mere realities that flutter and bloom for their brief hour, and then
+die. There is nothing in entomology so beautiful as a well-busked trout
+or salmon fly. And then it is comparatively indestructible. Take a
+natural May Fly and squeeze it in your hand. It is reduced to a pulp.
+Try the same experiment with an artificial one, and its plumage remains
+unruffled—which is more than you do, since the chance is that you will
+have to employ a surgeon to extract the hook from the ball of your
+thumb.
+
+[Illustration: "SHOO! FLY."]
+
+We are assured by a broker, who, in Spring-time, always becomes a
+brooker, that by far the surest lure for a large trout is the Greenback
+Fly. He is acquainted with a man who, whenever he goes a-fishing,
+always has a four-pound trout to pack in ice and send up to a friend in
+the city. By post, a letter is dispatched to the same quarter,
+containing a warm description of the playing and landing of that noble
+fish. The sender usually states that he captured it with the famous fly
+known to anglers as the Green Drake. Facts are against him, though; and
+it is well understood by his friends that the fish was first taken by
+some poaching rascal with a scoop-net, and subsequently hooked by the
+angler with a five-dollar Greenback Fly.
+
+Nothing in life is more beautiful than a five-dollar Greenback
+Fly—except, of course, a ten-dollar one, or one of indefinitely larger
+denomination.
+
+Provided with this most charming and effective of lures, the angler is
+always sure to fill his creel. He incurs no fatigue in doing so,
+either, for all the boys of the village become his humble servants to
+command; and if there be a four-pound trout in the miller's pond, he is
+sure to hook it with the Greenback Fly, while the boys generally "hook
+it" also, lest the miller should catch them at their tricks.
+
+_How to make the Greenback Fly_—Give it to your wife. Much has been
+said concerning the efficacy of the Water Fly as a lure. For our own
+part, we have not tried it. We know rather less about it than we do
+about the Water Cure; but we cheerfully print the following directions
+on the subject, taken from the fly-leaf of an old book.
+
+_How to make the Water Fly_: Fall into it.
+
+
+ 
+
+HALL AND HAYES.
+
+
+The friends of Dr. HAYKS and those of Captain HALL are engaged in a
+heated discussion as to which of the two ought to be sent by Congress
+in search of the North Pole. As the public does not know who is right
+and who is wrong, we present our readers with the arguments of each
+party; so that they can decide which explorer is the man for the
+post—we should say, pole.
+
+WHAT THE HAYES PARTY SAYS.
+
+1. The Pole being surrounded by water, must be reached by boats. HAYES
+is a sailor and HALL is not. Therefore HAYES is the man to sail to the
+Pole.
+
+2. HAYES is a Bostonian; HALL is a Western man. Bostonians are famed
+for their skill in prying into every thing; while Western men stupidly
+mind their own business. Therefore HAYES is naturally fitted to become
+an explorer.
+
+3. HALL spent his time while in the Arctic Region in the society of
+Esquimaux. HAYES attended to his ship, and lived on pork and beef like
+a Christian. Therefore HAYES is the better man.
+
+4. HAYES understands the use of instruments, and can take observations
+of the temperature of hot springs, if any are found. HALL knows nothing
+about instruments, and could not tell the time by a barometer if his
+life depended upon it. Therefore HAYES should be the Congressional
+favorite.
+
+5. HALL is hot-tempered and once killed one of his crew. HAYES is a
+cool man and never killed any body, except as a medical practitioner.
+Cool men are at home in the Arctic Region. Therefore send HAYES.
+
+WHAT THE HALL PARTY SAYS.
+
+1. If the Pole is surrounded by water, it must be a visible point of
+land. HALL is a landsman, and therefore the proper man to send in
+search of land. To send a sailor like HAYES in quest of land would be
+absurd. Therefore HALL is the right man.
+
+2. HALL is a steady, hardworking, energetic Western man. HAYES is a
+meddling Yankee. Of course HALL is the better man for carrying out a
+difficult enterprise.
+
+3. HALL has lived in the Arctic land as the Arctic people do; while
+HAYES knows nothing of the people of that region. Therefore HALL is by
+far the best man to send.
+
+4. HAYES can have no use for his instruments in a place where there is
+nothing but ice. HAYES would, therefore, only add to the cost of the
+expedition. HALL can take all necessary observations with his eyes,
+which cost Congress nothing and are easily carried. Therefore HALL is
+by all odds the man for the expedition.
+
+5. If HALL is hot-tempered, so much the better. He will keep warm with
+less consumption of fuel. That he killed a mutineer is proof of his
+resolute adherence to discipline. HAYES would never enforce discipline
+if he dared to inflict no more punishment for mutiny than a draught of
+Epsom salts. Therefore HALL is plainly the man to command an exploring
+party.
+
+Here we have the arguments which both sides advance, and our readers
+can easily make up their minds. As for ourselves, the true course for
+Congress to pursue seems so plainly evident that if we were asked which
+is the best man, the Doctor or the Captain, we should unhesitatingly
+answer in the negative.
+
+[Illustration: CINCINNATUS SWEENY.]
+
+
+
+
+CINCINNATUS SWEENY
+
+
+(Adapted from AUTHOR'S Classical Dictionary, p. 351.)
+
+"CINCINNATUS had retired to his patrimony, aloof from popular tumults.
+The successes of the Equi, (young Democracy,) however, rendered the
+appointment of a Dictator necessary, and CINCINNATUS was chosen to that
+high office. He laid aside his rural habiliments, assumed the ensigns
+of absolute power, levied a new army, marched all night to bring the
+necessary succor to the Consul MINCIUS, (W. M. TWEED,) who was
+surrounded by the enemy and blockaded in his camp, (Albany,) and before
+morning surrounded the enemy's army, and reduced it to a condition
+exactly similar to that in which the Romans had been placed. The
+baffled Equi were glad to submit to the victor's terms, and
+CINCINNATUS, returning in, triumph to Rome, (New-York,) laid down his
+dictatorial power after having held it only fourteen days, and returned
+to his farm" (Central Park.)
+
+
+
+
+SPRING FEVER,
+
+      In such a joyous way?
+      If it were as you say,
+Wouldn't _I_ know it, who know every thing!
+
+"Ethereal mildness!" Pshaw! what nonsense, man!
+      Pooh! "Gentle spring," indeed!
+      It makes my liver bleed
+To hear you talk as only idiots can.
+
+But you're no idiot, THOMSON; _that_ I'll say!
+      I'll yield another bit:
+      I'm ready to admit
+The Seasons may have altered since your day.
+
+At any rate, JAMES, in the windy West
+      (Which wasn't in your eye—
+      At least, not frequently)
+Your boasted Spring is _not_ a gentle guest.
+
+My patience, no! She's the reverse of that!
+      Ah! hear her savage roar;
+      (So often heard before!)
+And there (confound it!) goes my new Spring hat.
+
+Alas! what means this stupid somnolence?
+      Why do my pulses go
+      So "melancholy slow"?
+Why can't I think? why always "on the fence"?
+
+O dews and fogs! O rain and snow and slush!
+      O various other things!
+      My soul! what need of wings:
+Yes, "Spring's delights" are coming with a rush!
+
+But stay, friend THOMSON—what you say is true:
+      Here _is_ a nice warm day!
+      The breezes softly play—
+Then why, oh! _why_ then, do I feel so blue?
+
+One "would not die in Spring-time," certainly—
+      Nor any other season,
+      For the same reason—
+But if one can't eat dinner, why _not_ die?
+
+Is there no panacea for such ills?
+      Oh! yes, a jolly one:
+      I find it in the dun!
+In landlords', butchers', grocers', tailors' bills!
+
+
+
+
+The Difference.
+
+
+GOLDEN calves were worshipped by men of old. Modern men prefer
+to worship saw-dust calves.
+
+
+
+
+      Dramatic Query.
+
+Is Canada to be the Theatre of a Fenian War? It seems that the Canadian
+Volunteers think so; and, to do justice to the performance, they have
+taken possession of the whole Front-tier.
+
+
+
+
+The Original Bow.
+The EL-bow.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: THE SICK EAGLE
+COLUMBIA. “DO LET THE POOR BIRD OUT, MR. B.; HE DROOPS SADLY.”
+Mr. BOOTWELL. “REALLY I DON’T SEE ANY THING THE MATTER WITH HIM,
+MA’AM. HIS CAGE IS ALL GOLD, AND HE SURELY OUGHT TO BE CONTENTED.”]
+
+
+
+
+AN EXCELLENT OLD SONG MADE NEW.
+
+
+BY A DEFAULTER.
+
+Is there for his dishonesty
+      Who hangs his head, and a' that?
+The coward slave, we pass him by,
+      And dare to steal for a' that.
+      For a' that and a' that,
+      Our grabs and games, and a'
+that,
+      Our business is to make a pile
+      And swindle SAM, and a' that.
+
+What though the people curse and swear
+      At losing gold, and a' that?
+Their fiercest wrath we'll proudly bear,
+      And cash is cash for a' that.
+      For a' that and a' that,
+      Their lawyers, courts, and a'
+that.
+      The lucky rogue who wins his pile
+      Is king of men for a' that.
+
+The President knows how to beat
+      In battle, siege, and a' that;
+But we're the lads for swift retreat,
+      Although he growl, and a' that.
+      For a' that and a' that,
+      Our bonds and oaths and a' that,
+      A bouncing swag's the better
+thing
+      For gentlemen, and a' that.
+
+Then let us pray that come it may,
+      As come it shall for a' that,
+That plundering gents may keep the sway,
+      And help themselves, and a'
+that.
+      For a' that and a' that.
+      Leg bail's the thing, and a'
+that;
+      For travelling improves the
+mind,
+      The body saves, and a' that.
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRTEENTH MAN IN THE OMNIBUS.
+
+
+The New-York omnibus was constructed to seat and carry twelve persons;
+certainly not more. Indeed, when twelve men, of nominal size, sit
+squarely on the seats and do not clownishly cross their legs, one may
+ride in an omnibus with comfort. Nay, with these conditions, he _may_
+generally escape having his toes crushed, his shins kicked, his shoes
+soiled, or his trowsers daubed with mud by his neighbor. But alas! how
+often is this paradisiacal state disturbed by the intrusion of "the
+thirteenth man in the omnibus."
+
+Shall I attempt to portray the creature? He is pretty well known, and
+perhaps the picture will be recognized. Sometimes he may be seen
+standing at the corner of the street lying in wait for the "bus." He is
+never known to walk toward its starting-place, lest he might be
+confounded with the "twelve" by getting inside before the seats are
+filled. No; he is "nothing if not" odd. His very hat never sits
+squarely upon his head like the hat of a gentleman. It is either
+elevated in front like a sophomore's, or depressed on one side, as if
+he had just come from a cheap spree in the Bowery, or was troubled with
+some obtrusive "bump" that kept his hat awry. If by chance he gets a
+seat inside the omnibus, (as "accidents will happen," etc.,) he must
+cross his legs and wipe the mud from his ill-shod feet upon your
+trowsers or your wife's dress.
+
+Indeed, methinks it was he who invented sitting cross-legged in a
+public vehicle. Do savages ever sit thus when in close company? I have
+never been able to imagine what special human sin this ingenious mode
+of annoyance was meant to punish. It has been suggested that it might
+be the man's pantomimic protest against sitting at all. But the saddest
+commentary upon this vice of our hero is, that by some mysterious
+magnetism of awkwardness and ill-breeding, he has betrayed into
+imitation of it men whose early education has been less neglected than
+his own.
+
+Sometimes, as he gets into the "'bus," he carries in his hand or mouth
+the stump of a half-burned, extinct cigar, which fills the atmosphere
+with a rank and sickening odor. More frequently he is dressed in
+well-worn black, and his clothes reek with noisome exhalations of stale
+tobacco-smoke. Shall I finish his picture? I verily believe he is the
+original Loafer.
+
+Methinks I see him in my mind's eye. I am riding in a Broadway
+ominibus. I have just handed up my fare, and, taking my seat, have
+surrendered myself to a sweet half-hour of reverie. I disdain to spoil
+my eyes or waste my time by newspaper-reading. I dream, and save my
+time for better things, as I conceive.
+
+The stage is full. "Twelve inside." The driver does not seem to get
+along. He is constantly stopping or turning his horses to the sidewalk,
+right or left. You wonder what is the matter. You begin to think the
+whole town is striving to get a ride down with you in that particular
+"'bus." At every street-corner we linger or stop. Suddenly the door is
+pulled open with a jerk and our enemy leaps in. He sees the seats are
+filled, but he does not hesitate. There is always room for him. Indeed,
+his "spirit rises with the occasion." He becomes pertinacious as he is
+offensive. He tramples upon more than one pair of feet in his struggle
+to reach the middle of the omnibus. The passengers patiently submit to
+the intrusion with that quiet good nature with which Americans usually
+suffer imposition invasive of good manners, or petty social rights.
+They seem to feel they can "stand it" if he can.
+
+His mode of paying his fare evolves a climax of unconscious
+impertinence. In order to have free use of one hand to pass up his
+money, he grasps cane or umbrella with the other hand, by which he
+holds the pendent strap. By this means he loses control of the lower
+end of his stick, which thereby becomes an automatic instrument of
+torture, menacing your face and eyes in quite a savage way. Indeed, his
+apparent unconsciousness that he is a nuisance, and ought to be kicked
+out, really approaches the sublime.
+
+He is a pet of the driver, of course. Some innocent people wonder that
+the drivers of omnibuses or cars should feel so very charitably
+disposed toward the human family in general, as to take up extra
+passengers when all seats are filled. Short-sighted mortals! Do you not
+see it! The more passengers, beyond the complement of the "'bus," the
+more perquisites for an ill-requited profession.
+
+To return to our black sheep. Look where he stands. As he grows weary,
+he grasps the straps on either side to steady him. His attitude is a
+cunningly devised mode of tormenting his fellow-passengers. Either
+elbow of our nondescript just reaches the hat of your opposite neighbor
+or yourself. With each jolt of the stage, by a little dexterity of
+movement, or want of it, he can knock the hats over the eyes of two
+persons at a time, and by a little shifting of his position he can
+frequently bring down four by a single spasmodic lunge. When he is
+fresher, as in the morning, and can hold his own weight, he falls in
+his more natural posture. Would you know what that may be? Did you ever
+observe one of the descendants of the Lost Tribes who inhabit Chatham
+street dreamily waiting for a passing rustic? He is apparently in a
+comatose state. His abdomen is drawn in; his body is bent like a
+section of a hoop; his eyes are cast down; while both his hands are
+thrust deeply into his trowser's pockets.
+
+But I grow weary of the subject, and stop by commending the Thirteenth
+Man in the Omnibus to curiosity-hunters as a fungus growth of humanity
+nursed by over-virtuous forbearance.
+
+
+
+
+Hyperborean.
+
+
+The hyperbole of bores it is, to bore Congress for a hundred thousand
+dollars to go to the Pole! If Captain HALL wants adventure, let him
+travel to the Halls of the MONTEZUMAS. If he wishes only to be left out
+in the cold, let him go to Chili; or else up in a balloon; or let him
+make himself Republican candidate for something in New York. We believe
+the North Pole would rather be let alone. The whole subject is, at all
+events, too HAYES-y just now to be comprehended. There is a sort of
+KANE-ine madness, which shows itself not in fear of water but in an
+insane disposition to do big things on ice. Haul off, Captain HALL!
+
+
+
+
+Meteorological Query.
+
+
+Is a temperance lecture synonymous with a Water Spout?
+
+
+
+
+THE SPIRIT OF THE NAVY.
+
+
+ITS PORTER. ITS SAILS.
+
+_Impressions of an Outsider_.
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO: According to your instructions, your correspondent
+proceeded to Washington, and there interviewed our present efficient
+Secretary of the Navy, Admiral PORTER. I found him in his office,
+surrounded by bills-of-sale of main-tops, carronades, iron-clads,
+bo'sen's whistles, navy-yards, and other naval articles, the proceeds
+of which were needed for the future experiments of the Department.
+These papers were being bound up into bundles and stowed away by his
+assistant, ROBESON.
+
+After the ordinary greetings had passed between the admiral and your
+correspondent, the following conversation ensued:
+
+_Cor_. Admiral, what do you think of the Fifteenth Amendment?
+
+_Ad_. All right. When Americans want votes, I say, give 'em to 'em.
+
+_Cor_, (_A little apprehensively._) Votes are different from boats,
+then, admiral?
+
+_Ad_. Certainly. What do the negroes want with boats?
+
+_Cor_. How are you satisfied, Mr. Secretary, with the plan of always
+providing you with a civilian as an assistant?
+
+_Ad_. I don't like it. Can't help it, though. This one, however,
+(_pointing his thumb over his shoulder at_ ROBESON,) don't give me much
+trouble. Quiet man.
+
+_Cor_. What do you think of the condition of Cuba,
+
+_Ad_. Very nice indeed! Got Admiral POOR out there, cruising around.
+Just like a picnic, you know.
+
+_Cor_. Are you in favor of the recognition of Cuban Independence?
+
+_Ad_. No, sir! What's the good? POOR might have to come home, then.
+
+_Cor_. You think, then, that recognition would not be a Poor policy?
+
+_Ad_. Yes—no! No—yes! Doormat! You know what I mean.
+
+_Cor_.(_quickly_.) Oh! yes. Certainly,sir! But what is your opinion
+upon the woman question?
+
+_Ad_. Don't care a snap. Let 'em vote. Won't make a difference 'board
+ship.
+
+_Cor_. You think, then that women will never be sailors, Admiral?
+
+_Ad_. Nothing they could do. Except to trim the boats; look out for the
+mizen sheets or somethg o' that kind. Couldn't expect 'em, even in a
+calm, to be brisk in manning the yards, much less martingales.
+
+_Cor_. What is your opinion, Admiral, of SHERIDAN'S work among the
+Piegans?
+
+_Ad_. (_laughing_). Neat job. How was that for Lo?
+
+_Cor_. Good. Do you believe the Pope's infallible, Admiral?
+
+_Ad_. The Pope's what?
+
+_Cor_. Do you think that there is no such word as fail with PIO Nono?
+
+_Ad_. No, no!
+
+_Cor_. The Empress EUGENIE, Admiral, and Queen VICTORIA—which do you
+think is the prettiest of these women?
+
+_Ad_. Never saw 'em swimmin'. Can't say.
+
+_Cor_. What is your opinion about McFARLAND? Was he justifiable, think
+you?
+
+_Ad_. No! Poor shot.
+
+_Cor_. Have you seen _Frou Frou_, Admiral?
+
+_Ad_. Yes. In New-York.
+
+Cor. How did you like it, sir?
+
+_Ad_. Not much. Do for folks whose taste for that sort of thing is
+DAILY bred.
+
+_Cor_. What do you think of oar new City Charter?
+
+_Ad_. Is it a ship?
+
+_Cor_. Yes, sir. It is a sort of hardship for New-York.
+
+_Ad_. Well, the city must be used to that. Will take in its ale pretty
+much as usual, I reckon.
+
+_Cor_. What, sir, do you think of Chicago?
+
+_Ad_. Ah! go way.
+
+_Cor_. (_oblivious of hint_.) Where do you buy your pantaloon stuff,
+Mr. Secretary?
+
+_Ad_. (_sharply_.) Where the woodbine twineth.
+
+_Cor_. Admiral, have you any children?
+
+_Ad_. (_loudly_.) ROBESON!
+
+_Cor_. My dear sir, you surprise me! Is he your son?
+
+_Ad_. (_to assistant_.) ROBESON! Did you see MIKE HAINES?
+
+_Cor_. One moment. Admiral! Let me ask of you, in which, if any, of our
+New-York companies is your life insured; and do you wear the patent
+perforated buckskin?—
+
+Here the interview terminated. Your correspondent suddenly discovered
+that he would have barely time to catch the N. Y. Express, and he took
+leave with a renewed respect for the spirit of our Navy and its head.
+
+SNIQUE.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: COME, GENTLE SPRING.]
+
+SPRING has come. Now is the time to ask your friends for seed and roots,
+and to tell somebody they ought to see about the garden. Turn your
+chickens into your neighbors' grounds, and the cow too, if you think she
+would like to go there. Now also is the time for house-cleaning, as well
+as for settling up one's affairs generally; so, after you have called in
+all the money due you, and paid out as little as possible, perhaps you
+had better go out West for a week or so.
+
+
+
+
+The sort of Liquor most apt to Tell upon a Man.
+
+PEACH Brandy.
+
+Opinions of the Press.
+
+The _Sun_ thinks that the World's end would be a god-send.
+
+It also thinks that the Tribune is a try weakly and unique daily,
+besides being a four centenary.
+
+It thinks that the fact of the _Times_ being out of Joint is the reason
+it is getting the cold Shoulder from its subscribers.
+
+It thinks that the _Herald_ is not the leading paper, though it may
+have Ben-it.
+
+It thinks that the _Sun_ is awful shiny.
+
+
+
+
+The Politician's Half-and-Half.
+
+DEMAGOGUE and Demijohn.
+
+
+
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+SENATE.
+
+LOFTY Mr. SUMNER wished to know what Mr. CARPENTER meant by pursuing
+him. He was used to being blackguarded by the enemies of his country,
+but now he was hounded in the house of his friends. He had looked
+through the whole Congressional Library and failed to find a precedent
+for the course of the carping CARPENTER, except in the case of the
+classic chap who had warmed a viper which had turned again and rent
+him. He did not mean to say that Mr. CARPENTER was a viper, but he
+thought nobody but an Adder would put this and that together as Mr.
+CARPENTER had done.
+
+Mr. CARPENTER said that the passion of his friend from Boston for
+maundering about himself amounted to a mild mania. All he had done was
+to suggest that SUMNER had upheld States Rights twenty years ago, and
+now pretended that he was never any such person.
+
+Mr. SUMNER said that twenty years ago the States Rights boot was upon
+the other leg. ÆNEAS SILVIUS had well observed that it made a heap of
+difference whose ox was gored, and HORACE had pointed out the
+difference between tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee. Unless his reading of
+the Cyclopedia had failed to inform him, he believed that there was a
+game known as "Heads I win, tails you lose." That was his little game.
+When Massachusetts States Rights were invoked to aid the colored man,
+States Rights were good. When Southern States Rights were invoked to
+crush the colored man, States Rights were bad. As for him, give him
+liberty or give him rats.
+
+Mr. HARLAN wished to know why the Pacific Railway grant should be
+passed. No officer of that railway had been to see him about it. He did
+not believe in legislation of this kind. If a thing were worth having,
+it was certainly worth asking for. He had no objection to breaking old
+"ties," but he was averse to paying for new ones, unless he had some
+personal reason for it. He wished he were altogether in the same
+position as some of his colleagues, including these "bonds."
+
+WILSON, and CASSERLY, and THURMAN, and THAYER said that HARLAN was of
+no account, and that was the reason why he had not been "seen." As long
+as a majority was prepared, it was wasting money to conciliate any body
+else.
+
+Mr. DRAKE said he had a better thing than the Pacific Railway. It was a
+bill to provide that the Army and Navy of the United States might be
+put on a war-footing on the application of any three colored persons.
+This did not seem to be profitable, but it was. The profit in it was a
+JOB, but much subtler than in the Pacific Railway. He hoped Senators
+would see the illimitable vistas of patronage opened by the bill.
+
+HOUSE.
+
+Mr. BUTLER insisted upon his bill to annex Dominica. Somebody had said
+that we had plenty of Dominicans already in the Southern States. This
+was net so. He wanted to be Governor-General of Dominica. It was true
+that silverware was not rife in that island, but there was an
+infinitude of potential voters, who could be converted into coin. The
+House refused to see it, however, and proceeded to discuss the case of
+SYPHER. Mr. BROOKS said SYPHER was nothing. He did not see how SYPHER,
+who was a nullity, could be figured out to be a member of Congress.
+Besides, SYPHER lived in Pennsylvania.
+
+Mr. KELLEY said that was the very reason why SYPHER should be admitted.
+Every body knew, who knew any thing of arithmetic, that a SYPHER in the
+proper place amounted to a great deal. He would like to know what
+objection there was to Pennsylvanians representing Louisiana? A
+Pennsylvanian was sure to be right on the tariff, and a Louisianian was
+sure to be wrong. Therefore a Pennsylvanian was a much better
+representative than a Louisianian. Besides, SYPHER's hands were not red
+with loyal blood, neither had he waded knee-deep in patriotic gore.
+
+Mr. BUTLER wanted to annex Dominica.
+
+Mr. Cox said he did not object to SYPHER'S coming in because he was a
+Pennsylvanian. He was an Ohio man, and represented a New-York district.
+But be thought there were too many SYPHERS here now. An integer or two
+would be more useful to maintain the integrity of the House.
+
+Mr. BUTLER said he would like to introduce a bill to annex Dominica.
+
+Mr. FARNSWORTH said he didn't care any thing about the merits of the
+case. He knew the committee was all right. It was a martter of comity
+to go with the committee. If the House added a SYPHER, it would
+increase their strength ten fold.
+
+Mr. STOKES said he would not weep for SYPHER if he were rejected. But
+he would sigh for SYPHER, if he could cipher SYPHER in.
+
+Mr. BUTLER moved a bill to annex Dominica.
+
+SYPHER tried to swear himself in, but he had been so much irritated by
+the previous proceedings that he found that he had sworn himself out.
+
+The House adjourned, except Mr. BUTLER, who was preparing a bill to
+annex Dominica.
+
+
+
+
+A REMONSTRANCE.
+
+
+MR. PUNCHINELLO: In the _Express_ of Saturday, April 17th, I read the
+following announcement, printed at the foot of the regular weather
+table, furnished for that journal by Professor THATCHER:
+
+"Prediction.—It will not rain within 3¾ days from 8 P.M.
+
+
+"A. E. THATCHER."
+
+The positive character of this prediction made it very, welcome. My
+wife and myself had been invited by friends in Westchester County to go
+to their house on Saturday evening, stay all night, and pass the
+following day—Easter-Sunday—with them. We had nearly made up our minds
+to do it. They are very pleasant folks to visit, especially about
+Easter time; for the man of the house has a mania for hens, and, being
+a dyer by trade, his poultry, using the refuse of the drugs instead of
+gravel to aid their digestion, lay natural painted eggs of the most
+varied and delicate tints. If I am strict in any matter of religion, it
+is with regard to having a blow-out of eggs at Easter. My wife is as
+fond of eggs as myself, (the yolk sits lightly, she says, which is a
+joke upon yoke,) and she required no egging on to persuade her to
+accept the invitation. We were doubtful about the weather, though; but
+the "Professor's" prediction decided us, and we went.
+
+I thought it felt mighty like rain as we walked the short distance from
+the railway station to our host's. I had rain-pains in my back, and my
+wife said her corns were shooting. Nor did our punctual aches deceive
+us. Between that Saturday night and Easter-Sunday morning it began to
+rain. Easter-Sunday was the wettest day I remember ever to have
+experienced. There was no "let up" of the deluge throughout that day
+and Easter-Monday. We—my wife and I—are suffering dreadfully from the
+effects of Easter-eggs, which we were obliged to devour by the stack
+merely to kill time, as we could not walk out. Should we die, I will
+let you know; but really it was too bad of "Professor" THATCHER.
+
+WEATHERBOUND. 
+
+P.S.—Who is "Professor" THATCHER?
+
+
+
+
+THE BIRD OF WISDOM IN IOWA.
+
+
+Civilization, it seems, is making some headway in Iowa. Boys are no
+longer allowed to shoot small birds there, especially song-birds. And
+so the little warblers can pipe it all day, if they like, and when they
+grow tired and hungry, they are welcome to refresh their small systems
+at the strawberry beds. There is one feature of the regulation in
+question, however, that does pain us. While vocal and fly-gobbling
+talents are tenderly fostered, dignified Wisdom is not only neglected,
+but persecuted. Our old friend the Owl is reputed by the people of Iowa
+to be rather particular in his diet, (as all wise creatures are,) and
+to prefer a nice young spring chicken to almost any other "delicacy of
+the season"—a proof of wisdom and refinement that proved too much for
+the people of Iowa. And so they have left the poor old Owl out of the
+protective enactment; and it is not only legal to shoot him, but
+meritorious. The legislators could have stood the wisdom, perhaps by
+itself; and possibly they might have respected the taste; but the
+combination troubled them, and could not, of course, be tolerated.
+
+[Illustration: “THE MERRY FIRST OF MAY.”
+_First Young Wife_. “OH! THIS HORRID HOUSE-MOVING—AN'T YOU DISTRACTED
+ABOUT IT, DEAR?”
+_Second Ditto_. “O DEAR! NO. WE HAVE ARRANGED IT NICELY. CHARLES WILL
+SEE TO THE FURNITURE AND THINGS, AND I WILL SUPERINTEND THE REMOVAL OF
+FIDO MYSELF.”]
+
+
+
+
+HOW A DISCIPLE OF FOX BECAME A LOVER OF BULL.
+
+
+PHILADELPHIA, 4th Month, 13th, 1870.
+
+FRIEND PUNCHINELLO: I know thee treats our good city with more
+consideration than thy brother journalists, and so it is that I address
+the on this occasion. Last night I listened to the fiddle of OLE BULL.
+I
+had long known of this man, even from the time when I first attired
+myself in a coat, (called by the world after the name of the abdomen of
+a fish,) as one who
+
+      —"skinned a cat
+
+      And put the fur around his hat."
+
+But having recently been made aware of the fact that this fiddler only
+availed himself, in his vain exhibitions, of a part of the _felis_
+which was not necessary to its felicity after death, I determined to
+give a portion of my worldly goods toward the building of a light-house
+on the Norway coast, for which purpose, I heard it averred, this man's
+performances were given; and I went to the building where the fiddling
+was to be, to see if it were done with fidelity for this end.
+
+As I sat in the upper seats of the house, serenely elevated above the
+vain throng, the man BULL appeared before me. His mien was humble and
+his hair was of a gray tinge, which I attributed to the ceaseless
+gratings of the instrument which he held on his arm, as carefully as if
+it had been an immortal child.
+
+At first, though I labored conscientiously toward that end, I could
+discover nothing in the sounds he made which reminded me in the least
+degree of a Norwegian light-house. But suddenly I forgot that useful
+monument. Against my will, I seemed to be wafted aloft, even to where
+the seats were cheaper; and anon, I felt as though I disported among
+the shameless figures on the ceiling of the house. I now forgot all
+things earthly, even that suspicious bill which friend HOPKINS paid in
+to my cashier on Second-day. Yea, my whole being became, as it were,
+strung upon the entrails of a cat and tickled with the tail of horse. I
+felt as if I were wafted aloft on a blanket of shivering scrapes while
+quivering angels gently swung me among the stickery stars! And there I
+heard a melody as though the edges of glass skies were softly rubbed
+together. Then all was stiller, stiller, until methought I heard
+nothing but one consumptive angel breathing in his sleep. But even that
+sound dribbled away, until the last drop seemed to me about to be
+sucked down into a hole at the bottom of the airy void, when suddenly
+there came a rush as though a vast light-house of brass had fallen into
+a sea of tinkling cymbals, and I jumped so violently that my spectacles
+slipped from off my nose and fell among the vain ones below.
+
+A second time now came the fiddler forth, and soon methought I stood
+within a surgeon's operating hall. The player drew his bow as though it
+were a knife, gliding over the limb of a subject in a sleep.
+
+So keen the blade, so soft the touch, the sleeper did not wake! I
+clutched my knees—my breath did cease!
+
+The skin divides!
+
+And still he sleeps.
+
+The muscles and the tendons fall apart!
+
+He moves not.
+
+Oh! That glittering blade
+
+It deeper goes!
+
+A—Ah!
+
+He wakes!
+
+He yells!
+
+Horror! And now, through flesh and bones that vengeful weapon grinds!
+
+'Mid screams and oaths!
+
+Down falls the leg...
+
+I staggered forward. My hat, which much clamor in the rear had not made
+me remove, fell over the iron rail and plunged, resounding ike a sinful
+drum, upon the head of a painted Jersey belle below.
+
+I heeded not, but groped me to the door.
+
+And now I write to thee, friend PUNCHINELLO. Can thee buy me such a
+fiddle in New-York? Thy friend,
+
+VENTER CLUPLE.
+
+
+
+
+A Puzzler.
+
+
+The Belgians, it is said, are anxious to have the letter _h_ dropped
+from the French alphabet. As that contains no _w_, how, in the event of
+a new elision, will the Parisians, who are so fond of English words,
+manage to spell _wheelwright_?
+
+
+
+
+A Blow that Hurteth not.
+
+The Blow of a flower.
+
+
+
+
+A Pleasant Prospect.
+
+If the new Superintendent of the New-York Police Force is to be as
+severely tried as was his predecessor, then, surely, JOURDAN will have
+a hard road to travel."
+
+
+
+
+"OUT OF THE STREETS."
+
+GEORGE W. MCLEAN am I,
+
+      And potent was my name,
+Till TWEED and SWEENEY crossed my path
+      And spoiled my little game.
+
+Our city roads I supervised,
+      Long time, with pious care,
+The people's "Ways I strictly watched—
+      Street, Avenue, and Square
+
+But now, from office rudely swept
+      By Legislative BILL,
+The crossing-sweeper's broom I ply,
+      My empty pouch, to fill.
+ 
+      Honeymoons in the Air
+
+The rage for passing the honeymoon in a balloon appears to be on the
+wane in this country. The reason for this may be that a majority of
+those who enter wedlock find they "go up" soon enough without the aid of
+a balloon. 
+
+
+
+
+      Motto for Unsuccessful Croquet-Players.
+
+"Hoops deferred make the heart sick."
+
+
+
+
+A. T. STEWART & CO.
+
+Have made large additions to their very popular stock of
+
+ENGLISH BODY BRUSSELS,
+
+At $1.75, $2, and $2.25 per yard.
+
+BEST QUALITY VELVETS,
+
+At $2.50 per yard.
+
+ROYAL WILTONS,
+
+At $2.50 and $3 per yard,
+
+MOQUETTES AND AXMINSTERS,
+
+At $3.50 and $4 per yard,
+
+ALSO,
+
+Will offer a choice assortment of
+
+Ingrains, Three-Ply, Cocoa,
+
+AND
+
+CANTON MATTINGS,
+
+ENGLISH AND DOMESTIC.
+
+OIL-CLOTHS, etc.,
+
+Of the Best Quality and Newest Designs.
+
+Novelties in Carpets
+
+In one piece, with
+
+MEDALLIONS AND BORDERS,
+
+And also by the yard. Received by each and every steamer.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts.      
+
+_The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and
+these are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the
+MASTERY SYSTEM._
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+OR,
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES IDIOMATICALLY.
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST.
+_I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series.
+II. The Mastery Series. French. 
+III. The Mastery Series. German. 
+IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College.
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so
+astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest doubts should be
+raised as to his credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to
+claim, that, after a study of less than two weeks, be was able to
+sustain conversation in the newly-acquired language on a great variety
+of subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+"The principle may be explained in a line—it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning 
+
+(or trying to learn) the language."—_Morning Star_
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a
+trial, and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all
+their expectations."—_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced us that the
+method is sound."—_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."—_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."—_Norfolk News_.
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."—_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to
+give it a trial."—_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travelers this volume is invaluable."
+
+—_Worcester Spy_.
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers, 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+BURCH'S
+Merchant's Restaurant
+AND
+DINING-ROOM,
+310 BROADWAY,
+BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS.
+_Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._
+_Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._
+_Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._
+M.C. BURCH, of New-York.
+A. STOW, of Alabama.
+H.A. CARTER, of Massachusetts.
+A.T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING
+
+EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS
+
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+
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+Japanese Poplins,
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+have ever offered.
+
+The attention of their customers and the public is respectfully
+invited.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.      
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+_Third Edition._
+D. APPLETON & CO., 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, Have now ready the
+Third Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+From the New-York _Evening Express_. "This is truly a charming novel;
+for half its contents breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as
+its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. "The author can and does write well;
+the descriptions of scenery are particularly effective, always graphic,
+and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND
+SPAIN. 
+
+By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING. 
+
+By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo, $6.
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. 
+By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+I. THE HAND-BOOK _ THE MASTERY SERIES. 
+II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. 
+III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. 
+IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH.
+Price, 50 cents each.
+Either of the above sent free by mall to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+EXTRA PREMIUMS
+
+FOR
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+Upon receipt of Five Dollars we will send PRANG & Co.'s
+Superb Chromo of
+
+"EASTER MORNING."
+
+Size, 6-3/4 x 10-1/4. (Selling price, $3.) Free by mail. And a copy of
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+FOR ONE YEAR.
+
+For Ten Dollars the Larger Size of
+
+"EASTER MORNING."
+
+14x21. (Selling price, $10.) Free by mail. And a copy of
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+FOR ONE YEAR.
+
+The regular subscription to PUNCHINELLO is Four Dollars,
+payable in advance.
+
+This offer will be kept open only for a limited time, and persons
+desirous to avail themselves of it will please
+
+SEND IN AT ONCE.
+
+Remittances should be made in Money Orders, Bank Checks,
+or Drafts on New-York, or by Registered Letters.
+
+Address,
+
+PUNCHINELLO 
+PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street.
+
+[P.O. Box 2783.]
+
+
+[Illustration: OUR PAVEMENTS.]
+
+_Timid Tax-payer_. "WHAT! GOING TO PAVE THIS STREET AGAIN? WHY, IT WAS
+NEWLY PAVED ONLY A WEEK AGO!"
+
+_Gentlemanly Contractor_. "PAVED? NOT MUCH! FOUNDATION LAID, ONLY; AND
+NOW WE'RE GOIN' TO PUT THE JOBBER'S PATENT TOP-SOLID-SUPERSTRUCTURE
+OVER THAT! " 
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES
+3-4 PLATE.
+16 and 20 Sizes.
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all
+the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently
+claim that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater
+excellences of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and
+execution, these watches are unsurpassed anywhere.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not
+even attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+Bowling Green Savings-Bank, 
+33 BROADWAY,
+NEW-YORK.
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received.
+Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS Commences on the first of every month.
+HENRY SMITH, _President_. 
+REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. WALTER ROCHE, 
+EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._
+
+PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to Oil
+Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S
+WEEKLY BULLETIN: "Bo-Peep," "Queen of the Woods," "First Lesson in
+Music," "Travelling Comedians," "City and Country Life." Illustrated
+Catalogues sent on receipt of a stamp by
+
+L. PRANG & CO., Boston.
+PUNCHINELLO:
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+FIRST:
+_DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,_
+The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for
+spinning purposes.
+
+SECOND:
+_BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES._
+
+These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as
+useful; and every lady should have one, as they can make every
+conceivable kind of crochet or fancy work upon them.
+
+THIRD:
+_BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER._
+This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits
+every thing.
+
+FOURTH:
+_AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE._
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
+all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and
+Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole
+parts, etc., price, $60.
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+Family Spinner,      price, $8,      for 4 subscribers and $16.
+No.1 Crochet,      price, $8,      for 4 subscribers and $16.
+No.2 Crochet,      price, $15,      for 6 subscribers and $24.
+No.1 Automatic Knitter,
+72 needles,      price, $30,      for 12 subscribers and $48.
+No.2 Automatic Knitter,
+84 needles,      price, $33,      for 13 subscribers and $52.
+No.3 Automatic Knitter,
+100 needles,      price, $37,      for 15 subscribers and $60.
+No.4 Automatic Knitter,      2 cylinders,
+72 needles
+1 100 needles      price, $40.      for 16 subscribers and $64.
+No. 1 American Buttonhole
+and Overseaming Machine,      price, $75,      for 30 subscribers and $120.
+No. 2 American Buttonhole
+and Overseaming Machine,      without buttonhole 
+parts, etc.,      price, $60,      for 25 subscribers and $100.
+Descriptive Circulars
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four
+subscribers and upward, and after the first remittance for four
+subscribers may send single names as they obtain them, deducting the
+commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or
+Drafts on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by
+Registered Letters, which any post-master will furnish.
+
+Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount
+only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
+State.
+
+The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
+quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in
+the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to
+subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to P.O. Box
+2783.
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+NEW-YORK
+S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 7, 1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, MAY 7, 1870 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 9960-0.txt or 9960-0.zip *****
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