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diff --git a/old/8p12010h.htm b/old/8p12010h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..86e216d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p12010h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2074 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>PUNCHINELLO SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 1870.</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1. No. 20, August 13, 1870</h1> +<pre> +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1. No. 20, August 13, 1870, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1. No. 20, August 13, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9953] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on November 4, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1. NO. 20 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, +David Widger and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="001 (268K)" src="001.jpg" height="1106" width="750" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="002 (248K)" src="002.jpg" height="1109" width="770" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + +<center> +<h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + +<h2> +SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 1870.</h2> + +<h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + +<h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + +<h3>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h3> +</center> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<center> +<h2>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</h2> + +<h4> +AN ADAPTATION.</h4> + +<h3> +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</h3> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p> +CHAPTER XII.</p> + +<p> +FOR THE BEST.</p> + +<p>Miss CAROWTHERS'S educational hotbed of female innocence was about to +undergo desolation by the temporary dispersal of its intellectual buds +and blossoms to their native soils, therefrom to fill home-atmospheres +with the mental fragrance of "all the branches." Holiday Week drew near, +when, as Miss CAROWTHERS Ritually expressed it, "all who were true +believers of the American Church of England in their hearts would softly +celebrate the devout Yearly Festival of Apostolic Christianity, by +decking the Only True Church with symbolical evergreens over places +where the paint was scratched off, and receiving New Year's Calls +without intoxicating liquors." In honor of this approaching solemn +season of peace on earth, good will to young men, the discipline of +Macassar Female College was slightly relaxed: Bible-studies were no +longer rigorously inflicted as a punishment for criminal absence of all +punctuation from English Composition, and any Young Lady whose father +was good pay could actually sneeze in her teacup without being locked +into her own room on bread-and-water until she was truly penitent for +her sin and wished she was a Christian. Consequently, an air of unusual +license pervaded the Alms-House; woman's rights meetings were held at +the heads of stairways to declare, that, whereas MARY AMANDA PARKINSON'S +male second-cousin has promised to meet her at the railroad station, and +thereby made her pretend to us that the letter was from her father, when +all the time ANN LOUISA BAKER accidentally caught sight of the words "My +Precious MOLLY" while looking for her scissors in the wrong drawer, and +therefore, be it Resolved, that we wish he knew about one shoulder being +a little higher than the other, (as she <i>knows</i> the dressmaker told +her,) and about that one red whisker under the left hand corner of her +chin which she might as well stop trying to keep cut off; dark +assemblages resembling walking lobsters were convened in special +dormitories at night, to compare brothers and tell how they Byronically +said that they never should care for women again after what they had +sacrificed for them in the horse-cars without so much as a "Thank you, +sir," but if they ever <i>could</i> be brought to liking a girl now, it would +be on account of her not pretending to care for anything but money and a +husband's early grave; and very white parties of pleasure were organized +in the halls, at ghostly hours, to go down to the cupboard for a +mince-pie under pretense of hearing burglars, and subsequently to drink +the mince-pie from curl-papers, accompanied by whispers of "H'sh! don't +eat the crust so loud, or Miss CAROWTHERS 'll think it's a man."</p> + +<p>In addition to these signs of impending freedom, trunks were packed in +the rooms, with an adeptness of getting in things with springs twice as +wide as any trunk, and of laying cologne-bottles, fans, and brushes, +between objects with ruffles so as to perfectly protect the latter, that +would have put the most conceited old bachelor to shame. Affected +tenderly by thoughts of a separation which, so ridiculously uncertain is +human life, might be forever, the young ladies who couldn't bear each +other, and had been quite sorry for each other because she couldn't help +it with such a natural disposition and rough forehead as hers, poor +thing!--graciously made-up with each other, in case they should not meet +again until in Heaven.--You will not think any more, HENRIETTA +TOMLINSON, of what I told you about AUGUSTUS SMITH'S remarks to me that +Sunday coming out of chapel. I <i>didn't</i> let you know before, my dear, +but when he had the impudence to say that one of your eyebrows was +longer than the other, and that you had a sleepy look as though a little +more in the upper-story wouldn't hurt you, I stood up for you, and told +him he ought to be ashamed to talk so on Sunday about you, after you'd +taken such pains to please him. That's just all there was about that +whole thing, HENRIETTA, dear, and now I hope we may part friends.--Why +<i>shouldn't</i> we, MARTHA JENKINS? I'm sure <i>I've</i> never been the one to be +unfriendly, and when Mr. SMITH told <i>me</i>, that he guessed my friend Miss +JENKINS didn't know how much she walked like a camel, I was as sarcastic +as I could be, and said I didn't know before that <i>gentlemen</i> ever made +<i>fun</i> of natural deformities.--Yes, HENRIETTA, my love, I know how +you've <i>always,</i> te-he! spoken well of <i>everybody</i> behind their backs. +Gentlemen give <i>you</i> their confidence as soon as they see you, without a +<i>bit</i> of fishing for it on <i>your</i> part, and then you have a chance to +befriend your poor friends.--Oh, well, MARTHA, darling, there's no need +of your getting provoked because I wouldn't hear you called a camel--he! +he!--after you'd been so angelic with him about stepping on the middle +back-breadth of your poplin--"Oh, <i>never</i> mind it at <i>all-l</i>, Mayistah +SA-MITH; it's of <i>No-o</i> consequence!" Te-he-he-he! When <i>is</i> it to come +off, Miss TOMLINSON? When does your AUGUSTUS finally reward your +<i>perseverance</i> with his big red hand?--I haven't asked him yet, +Precious! out of regard for your feelings. He's <i>so</i> sensitive about +having any one think he's <i>jilted</i> her; quite ridiculous, I tell +him.--HENRIETTA TOMLINSON! you--you'd get on your <i>knees</i> to make a man +look at you: EVERYbody says <i>that!</i>--But then, you know, MARTHA JENKINS, +there are persons who wouldn't be looked at much, even if they did go on +their knees for it, <i>lovey</i>.--M'm'm! Ph'h'h! Please keep by your <i>own</i> +trunk, HENRIETTA. I don't want anything <i>stolen,</i> Miss!--He! he! Of +course I'll go, MARTHA. There's so <i>much</i> danger of my stealing your old +rags!--<i>Don't</i> provoke me to slap you, Miss!--Who are <i>you</i> pushing +against, <i>Camel?</i>--Aow-aouw-k!--Ah-h-h!--R-r-r-r'p, sl'p, p'l-'l Miss +CROWTHERS' coming!!----And thus to usher in the merry, merry Christmas +time of peace on earth, good will to young men.</p> + +<p>At noon on the Saturday preceding Holiday-Week, Miss CAROWTHERS, +assisted by her adjutant, Mrs. PILLSBURY, had a Reception in the +Cackleorium, when emaciated lemonade and tenacious gingerbread were +passed around, and the serene conqueror of Breachy, Mr. BLODGETT, +addressed the assembled sweetness. Ladies, the wheel of Time, who, you +know, is usually represented as a venerable man of Jewish aspect with a +scythe, had brought around once more a festival appealing to all the +finer feelings of our imperfect nature. Throbbed there a heart in any of +our bos-hem!--in any of the superstructures of our waists, that did not +respond with joy and gladness to the sentiment of such a season? In view +of Christmas, Ladies, did we say, in the words of--an acceptable +Ritualistic translation from the Breviary--</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> "Day of vengeance, without morrow,<br> + Earth shall end in flame and sorrow,<br> + As from saint and seer we borrow?"</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p>No; that was not our style. We saw in Christmas a happy time to forgive +all our friends, to forget all our enemies at the groaning board, and to +keep on remembering the poor. Might we find all our relatives well in +the homes we were about to revisit, and ready to liquidate our little +semi-annual expenses of tuition. Might we find neighborhoods willing to +take the resumption of piano-practicing in the forgiving spirit of the +Christmas-time, and to accept the singing of Italian airs, at late +hours, with the tops of windows down, as occurrences not to be profanely +criticized in sleepless beds at a time of year when all animosities +should be repressed. With love for all mankind, Ladies, where it was +strictly proper, we would now separate until after the Holidays, wishing +each other a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Then ensued +leave-takings all around; terminating with a delicate consciousness on +the part of each young lady present that she was not to be entirely +without escort on her way to her home, inasmuch as there was a BILL +prepared to go with her and be presented to her parents.</p> + +<p>A number of times had FLORA POTTS witnessed this usual breaking up, +without any other sensation at herself being left behind in the +Alms-House than one of relief from incessant attempts of dearest friends +to find out what Mr. E. DROOD wrote about longing to clasp her again, in +his last; and on this occasion she came near being really happy in +having her dear MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON to remain with her. MAGNOLIA had +never mentioned EDWIN'S name since the virtual compact between herself, +and her brother, and Mr. SIMPSON, on the Pond shore; which was, perhaps, +carrying woman's friendship rather too far to the other extreme:--she +might as least have said, "Are you thinking of something commencing with +a D.?" once in a while:--but the Flowerpot, while slightly wondering, of +course, found a pleasant change in a companion of her own sex and age +who was not always raising the D. in conversation.</p> + +<p>A lovely scene was it, and maddening to masculine imagination, when so +many of Miss POTTS'S blooming young schoolmates kissed her good-bye in +the porch, and gave her a last chance to tell them what he <i>had</i> +written, then. It was charming to see that willed-away little creature, +without her enamel, waving farewell to the stages departing for the +ferry; and to hear the disappearing ones calling out to her: "By-bye, +FLORA, dear; EDDY ought to see you now with your natural complexion." +"<i>Au revoir</i>, Pet You'd better hurry in now; here comes a man!"</p> + +<p>"Don't stay out in the sun for us, Darling, or the belladonna may lose +its effect."</p> + +<p>Oh, rosebud-garden of girls! Oh, fresh young blossoms, to which we of +the male and cabbage growth are as cheap vegetables! Cling together +while ye may in the fair bouquet of sweet school friendship, of musical +parlor-sisterhood. So shall your thorns be known only to each other in +such fragrant clustering, and never known at all to Men unless they +insensately persist in giving you their hands.</p> + +<p>While the Flowerpot was thus receiving fond good-byes, EDWIN DROOD, on +his way to see her, suffered an indecision of purpose which might have +bred disquiet in a more gigantic mind than his. With the package +containing the memorial stay-lace in one pocket, and his hands in two +others, he strode up the Bumsteadville turnpike in a light overcoat and +a brown study. But for good Mr. DIBBLE'S undeniably truthful picture of +a modern lover's actual situation, he might have allowed matters to go +as they would, and sunk into an early marriage without one prayer to +Heaven for mercy. Now, however, that picture troubled him even more than +the bump which he had got upon his head from the tilting table in the +lawyer's office, and he was disposed to send the stay-lace back to the +candid old man. "FLORA and I have about equal intellects," reasoned he +to himself. "Shall I leave the whole question to her, or my own +decision! One would be about as profound in wisdom as the other. Which? +I guess I'll toss-up for it."</p> + +<p>He stepped aside from the road, under a leafless tree, and drew from a +pocket a badly speckled nickel coin. "Heads for her, tails for me," he +said, with some awe in his tone. The tasteful coin was tossed, and +"Heads" stared up at him from the frozen ground. "It's her inning," he +muttered, and, re-pocketing the money and his hands, went on whistling. +Thus the great crises of our laborious human lives are settled by the +idle inspiration of a moment, and fate, for good, or evil, comes as it +is cent.</p> + +<p>The Flowerpot, expecting him, was ready in her walking dress, and, by +tacit permission of Miss CAROWTHERS, the two started upon a promenade +for the nearest confidential cross-road, each eating half of an apple +which Mr. DROOD had brought to disguise his feelings.</p> + +<p>"My dear, absurd EDDY," said FLORA, when they had arrived in a secluded +lane not far from St. Cow's Church, "I want to give you something very +serious, and oh! I'm so ridiculously nervous about doing so,--especially +after your giving me this apple."</p> + +<p>"Never mind the apple, FLORA. It was the fruit of our First Parents, and +has constituted the most available pie of the poor ever since. Don't +allow it to fetter your freedom of speech, and please try to eat it +without such a gashing noise."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, EDDY. You have always been liberal with me. And now are you +sure you won't be absurdly angry with me if I give you something?"</p> + +<p>He fell away from her a moment, as half anticipating a kiss, but +promised that he would restrain his temper.</p> + +<p>"Then here you are, EDDY;" and she drew from a pocket in her dress and +held out to him a small worsted mitten.</p> + +<p>"You give this to me?" he said, accepting it, and tossing it from one +hand to the other, as though it were something hot.</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear, ridiculous friend; and from this day forth let us give up +the cold indifference of people engaged to each other, and be as truly +affectionate as brother and sister."</p> + +<p>"Never get married?"</p> + +<p>"Not to each other."</p> + +<p>Under the ecstatic influence of the moment, the emancipated young +bondman began dancing and turning somersaults like one possessed but, +quickly remembering himself, hastened to regain a perpendicular position +at her side, and coughed energetically, as though, the recent gymnastics +had been prescribed for his cold.</p> + +<p>"My own sister!" he exclaimed, "a weight is now lifted from both of our +minds, and both of us should be the better for the lifting-cure It is +noble in you to let me off so."</p> + +<p>"And it's perfectly splendid in you, EDDY, to make no horrid fuss about +it."</p> + +<p>The beautiful contest of generosities between these two young souls made +each as tender toward the other as though the parents of both had been +alive and frantically opposed to their mutual attachment.</p> + +<p>"We are both sorry that we have ever had any absurd engagement between +us," said FLORA, with a manner of exquisite softness, "and now, that we +are like brother and sister, we need not be all the time playing the +Pretty with each other, and needn't be putting on our best things every +time we have to meet. You think that my hair always curls in this way, +don't you, EDDY?"</p> + +<p>"Why, you don't mean to say, FLORA, that it's <i>all</i>--"</p> + +<p>"--False? No, you absurd thing! But curling irons, and oil, and crimping +pins have to be used hours and hours."</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha!" laughed EDWIN DROOD, "I see the point; you've had to make-up +for me. Now I dare say that you have thought my boots, which I have worn +in your company, were the right size for me? They're really one and a +half sizes too small, and almost kill me. As for gloves, I never wear +any at all except when I come to see you."</p> + +<p>"And my complexion, dear brother?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I know all about that, darling sister. I couldn't find any fault +with <i>that</i>, so long as my own seal-ring, which you thought so +rich-looking, was only plated."</p> + +<p>The little creature burst into a laugh of delight, and pressed his arm +with sisterly enthusiasm. "And we can be perfectly honest with each +other; can't we, EDDY? As a partnership for life until death should us +part is no longer our object, we have no need to utterly deceive each +other in everything."</p> + +<p>"No," answered the equally happy young man; "as we're not trying to +marry now, we may as well drop the swindle."</p> + +<p>"And just suppose we'd gone on and got married," cried the Flowerpot +with dancing eyes. "When it was too late, you'd have found out what I +really was--"</p> + +<p>"And you'd have found <i>me</i> out," interrupted EDWIN, vivaciously.</p> + +<p>"I should have wanted more expenditure upon myself, for giving me my +proper place in society, than you, with your limited means, could have +possibly afforded.--"</p> + +<p>"And I should have told you it would ruin me--"</p> + +<p>"And that would have made me more disappointed in you than ever, and +provoked me to call you a pauper-monster.--"</p> + +<p>"And then I would have twitted you about being anything but an heiress +yourself when I married you--"</p> + +<p>"--Which would have thrown me into hysterics--"</p> + +<p>"--Which would have made <i>me</i> lock you up in your room, and leave the +house--"</p> + +<p>"--For which <i>I</i> would have sued you for an Indiana divorce--"</p> + +<p>"--Thus driving <i>me</i> to commit suicide--"</p> + +<p>--"And bringing myself under a cruel public prejudice seriously +detrimental to my future prospects."</p> + +<p>Gloriously excited and made nearly breathless by their friendly rivalry +in thus specifying what must have been the successive results of their +union without plenty of money, the animated pair panted at each other in +a kind of imaginative intoxication, and then shook hands almost +deliriously.</p> + +<p>In a moment after, however, Mr. DROOD thrust his hands into his pockets +and presented an aspect of sudden discomfiture.</p> + +<p>"I forgot about my uncle, JACK BUMSTEAD," he said, uneasily. "It will be +a dreadful blow for JACK: he's counted so much upon my having a wife for +him to flirt with.--There he is, now!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Where</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Amongst those trees down there--Look!"</p> + +<p>In a small grove, skirting the road some distance behind them, Mr. +BUMSTEAD could indeed be seen, dodging wildly from one tree to another +in an extraordinary manner, and occasionally leaping high in the air and +slashing excitedly around him with his alpaca umbrella. A hoop from a +barrel, possibly cast out upon the road by somebody, had, apparently, +become entangled around the legs and in the coat-tails of the +Ritualistic organist; and he, in his extreme nervous sensibility, +precipitately mistaking it for one of his old enemies, the snakes, had +evidently fled headlong with it as far as the grove, and was there +engaging it in frantic single-combat.</p> + +<p>"Oh, take me home, at once, please!" begged FLORA, alarmed at the +remarkable sight.</p> + +<p>"Poor dear old fellow!" exclaimed her companion, obediently hurrying +onward with her, "I shall never have the heart to tell him of our +separation, and must leave it to your guardian. He'll think he's been +the cause of it, by stealing your heart from me.--Here he comes!"</p> + +<p>They had barely time to conceal themselves in the Macassar porch, when, +with umbrella in full play, and the barrel-hoop half-way up to his +waist, Mr. BUMSTEAD came bounding along the turnpike with frenzied +agility. "Shoo! 'S'cat, you viper! Get out!" cried he; and stopped, with +an unearthly culminating scream of terror, immediately in front of the +Alms-House, where the hoop suddenly fell at his feet. A moment he beat +his fallen enemy with the umbrella, as though madly striving to actually +hammer it into the earth; then, as suddenly, suspended his attack, +stooped low to eye his victim more closely, and, with a fierce pounce, +had it in his grasp. "Was it only thisss?" he hissed, holding it at +arm's length: "Sold again: signed, J. BUMSTEAD." And, hanging it over +his umbrella, he stalked moodily onward.</p> + +<p>"What a struggle his whole lonely life is!" said EDWIN DROOD, coming out +from the porch.</p> + +<p>FLORA'S parting look, as she entered the door, was as though she had +said, "Oh! don't you understand?" But the young man went away +unconscious of its meaning.</p> + +<p>(<i>To be Continued</i>.)</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="005 (198K)" src="005.jpg" height="719" width="756" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> +<center> +<h2>A SEASONABLE PARODY.</h2> +</center> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> Three women went waddling out into the surf,<br> + Out into the surf at Newport town;<br> + Each wore a bath suit of the very best,<br> + Costing as much as a wedding-gown.<br> + For men must work, and women must lave,<br> + And what men earn their wives don't save,<br> + Though husbands they be moaning.</p> +<br> +<p> Three brokers sat up at three high desks,<br> + And balanced their books as the sun went down;<br> + Each "poring" o'er ledgers that wouldn't come straight,<br> + Each wrapped in a study disgustingly brown.<br> + For men must sweat, and women keep cool,<br> + And woman will ever be fashion's fool,<br> + Though husbands they be moaning.</p> +<br> +<p> Three names are struck from the Gold Board's books,<br> + Three brokers' sign-boards are taken down;<br> + Three men are busy "seeing their friends,"<br> + Borrowing money to get out of town.<br> + For men must break if women must waste,<br> + And it costs a deal to be "people of taste,"<br> + So good-bye to the fools and their moaning.</p> + + </td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2> + +<p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: You may have heard of a slight breeze recently +stirring at the Custom House, consequent upon the removal of Mr. +GRINNELL and the appointment of the Hon. THOMAS MURPHY. The savage +feelings which this event aroused have sufficiently subsided to allow a +plain statement of the causes which led to it. At the time, it was the +opinion of many that our worthy Chief Magistrate, convinced that things +were getting along too smoothly in this State, had determined to infuse +new life into both men and measures here. He didn't find it such a hard +job "infusing" the measures, but when he came to the men all the usual +machinery failed, and he had to get out a new patent battering-ram to +wake them up. Such, I say, at least, was the popular impression, +confirmed by the subsequent appearance of the persons against whom its +operations were directed; but the initiated knew better. A few months +ago a private commission, whose expenses were defrayed out of the Secret +Service Fund, was sent to California to explore the region thereabouts +for any hitherto undiscovered connection of the GRANT genealogical tree. +For a long time the search was in vain, but finally the commission +unearthed a chap in the mining district, who hadn't heard of LEE'S +surrender yet, but whose sister had married a nephew of Mrs. GRANT'S +brother-in-law. The poor fellow was promptly captured, combed and +curried, and shipped East via Pacific Railroad, with a label across his +back inscribed,</p> + +<p> "Care of HIS EXCELLENCY, U. S. GRANT,<br> + + C.O.D."<br> + + <i>Washington, D.C.</i></p> + +<p>On his arrival the express charges were duly paid, and he was billeted +at the White House, while orders were sent to the heads of the different +departments to report what vacancies existed. Brief replies were +returned from each, to the effect that another straw laid on the camel's +back would break it, and, moved by a constitutional antipathy to +breaking camel's backs, the President desisted from his efforts in those +quarters. In this dilemma, the usual recourse was had to the New York +Custom House, and Mr. GRINNELL was sounded as to what he could do for +the last of the GRANTS. This is what he wrote:</p> +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p>"Not even standing-room left. I have more branches of your genealogical +tree now than would serve to thatch the Capitol. The federal turkey at +this port is stuffed to bursting. You may think that the old Exchange +Building, which we now occupy, is a secure building, and so it is, but I +don't think it could hold me if another 'connection' is coming. My blue +book divides these family contributions to the service of the country +into three orders, viz.: 'GRANT,' 'DENT,' and 'SHARPE.' Of the order +'GRANT' I have fifteen in the cellar, forty-seven on the first and +second floors, and ten in the attic; of the order 'DENT, 'nineteen on +the two floors, seven in the attic, and seventeen in the cellar, and of +the order 'SHARPE,' so many that I have engaged the Lightning Calculator +of the <i>World</i> to compute them. Your Excellency will perceive that my +situation is something like that of a commander who is troubled with too +many officers, and if I should be attacked you will Grant that it would +take some pretty Sharp practice to make even a Dent in the armor of my +adversary.</p> + +<p>"The best I can do is to request you to authorize the creation of a new +office, such as Supervision of Custom House Cobwebs, Keeper of the Water +Tanks, or Statistician of Distilled Spirits consumed by Revenue Officers +during the ensuing fiscal year, and then, on condition that he will +never show his face in my office again, I will appoint your California +offering to the place.</p> + +<p>Your disgusted friend and servant,</p> + +<p>MOSES."</p></blockquote></blockquote> + +<p> +When the President read this epistle, he was so agitated that he put the +lighted end of his segar in his mouth, but did not discover his mistake +until Secretary FISH observed the ashes coming from his nose, and with +an air of mock solicitude asked:</p> + +<p>"Does your Excellency experience any internal symptoms of a volcanic +character, for I perceive that the crater is working?" pointing to the +Presidential olfactory, while the owner sneezed a fresh volley of ashes +through it.</p> + +<p>"It don't make any difference if I do," tartly responded ULYSSES, "but I +tell you what it is, FISH, I'm going to build a little volcano under +MOSE GRINNELL'S chair that'll 'hist' <i>somebody</i> when it breaks out." +Saying which he threw the late Collector's missive towards the +piscatorial premier, and hurriedly left the room.</p> + +<p>The above is a genuine narrative, collected from authoritative data, and +may be relied upon when all other means of ascertaining the truth fail.</p> + +<p>Yours, historically,</p> + +<p>DICK TINTO.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE WATERING PLACES.</h2> + +<h3>PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.</h3> + +<p>On the portico of the Mountain House, in the Catskills, Mr. PUNCHINELLO +had the honor of being welcomed by Prof. AGASSIZ, Mr. P. had just +arrived, and his valise was in his hand; but the Professor insisted on a +little conversation with him.</p> + +<p>"In spite of the crowds at these summer resorts," said this learned man, +"one seldom meets with any one who takes an interest in science."</p> + +<p>Mr. P. bowed, and mentally resolved to rub up his stock of +polytechnology for the occasion.</p> + +<p>"I am glad, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," continued the Professor, "that you have +not neglected science in your excellent journal. You have had some +admirable treatises on natural history. The country is your debtor, +sir."</p> + +<p>Mr. P. bowed again, and hoped, in his inmost heart, that the country +would soon pay up.</p> + +<p>"I must admit that I am disappointed here--in several ways. In the first +place, I have not found a single glacier."</p> + +<p>"No glaciers!" cried Mr. P., in surprise.</p> + +<p>"No sir, not one, and I can find no sign of the Triassic period."</p> + +<p>"Oh no!" said Mr. P. "Not now. That was several years ago, when GEORGE +FRANCIS TRAIN, COLORADO JEWETT, and DAN RICE's celebrated little donkey +were here. They're all gone now."</p> + +<p>The Professor looked up a little surprised at these remarks, but went on +with his complaints. "And not a trace of cleavable pyroxene," said he.</p> + +<p>"Pie rock!" said Mr. P. to himself. "I'm glad it isn't seen. Have these +geologists got to that?"</p> + +<p>"I hoped, too," continued the Professor, "to get a little scoria."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" said Mr. P. "You wanted to run up a little score here. Well sir, I +think, in your case, that might be done--in fact, I've no doubt of it."</p> + +<p>"I fear you do not quite understand me," said the Professor. "I have not +found here what I had expected. To be sure, I met with a little +gneiss----"</p> + +<p>"Ah! a little niece," said Mr. P., rubbing his hands. "Well, now, that +must be pleasant I am very glad indeed to hear it. It will certainly +make the place much more agreeable for you."</p> + +<p>"Yes,--" said the Professor, "but it don't amount to much. I wanted +particularly to find on these mountains some traces of their having once +been a part of the shores of the ocean----"</p> + +<p>"Oh!" cried Mr. P., "I can help you there. I can show you a fine +BEACH,--if that is what you want."</p> + +<p>"You can?" exclaimed the Professor. "With shells?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know about that," said Mr. P., "but there he is, in the +bar-room--he keeps the house--and you can ask him yourself about the +shells."</p> + +<p>Mr. P. now took occasion to hurry after the waiter to his room, but he +heard the muttered thunder of a German-storm below him as he rapidly +climbed the stairs. He had a very nice room in the extreme upper part of +the house, and the view was charming.</p> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="006a (68K)" src="006a.jpg" height="456" width="519" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<p>To the East one could see the Hudson-"winding like a silver thread;" the +distant Bay of Fundy; and the foggy shores of Newfoundland.</p> + +<p>To the South were distinctly visible the blue Juniata; the bold arch of +the Natural Bridge; and the long lines of shipping at New Orleans; while +in the West, the setting sun could be seen glowing upon the walls of the +Yo Semite, and gilding the tops of the big trees in the Mariposa valley.</p> + +<p>After feasting his eyes on this magnificent prospect, Mr. P. came +down-stairs to feast on something which owed its enchantment to a +cooking-range, and not to a range of distance. He met the Professor at +the bottom of the stairs, and hastened to pacify him by inquiries about +some little bushes that he had just gathered.</p> + +<p>"That is laurel," said the learned man, grumly.</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "We make lard of that in New York."</p> + +<p>"Lard?" cried the Professor. "I never heard of such a thing."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, certainly!" said Mr. P.</p> + +<p>"Have you never heard of the great LORILLARD manufacturing +establishment?"</p> + +<p>"Never;" said AGASSIZ, "and I'll go and see it the very day I reach the +city."</p> + + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="006b (17K)" src="006b.jpg" height="428" width="178" /> + +</td><td> + + +</td><td> + +<p>The next day Mr. P. made the ascent of High Peak. Everybody does that; +and so, with a small party, Mr. P. started out--gaily enough. On +reaching the place where the heavy climbing begins, they met the New +York Fat Men's Club coming down, and the peculiar appearance of the +members deterred most of Mr. P.'s party from attempting the great feat. +It was proposed that Mr. P. alone should make the ascent. He +assented--and being thus, in a manner, ordered up--went it alone.</p> + + + +<p>It was not an easy thing--that climbing of High Peak--as any one will be +apt to conclude after attentively studying this picture of the ascent. +But an indomitable will can conquer all obstacles that are not too much +for it, and at last Mr. P. balanced himself on the extreme point of the +Peak. The view was so glorious that he instantly hastened down to inform +his companions that they too must not miss it upon any account. Several +of them, JOHN BINGHAM, of Ohio; SIMON CAMERON, and HENRY WILSON, of +Massachusetts, objected very strongly to the proposed climb, as they +were never in the habit of occupying very high ground. But Mr. P. +insisted that they would there obtain what they needed more than +anything else in the world, and he begged their pardon if he referred to +extended views. So at last they all went up, and when they reached the +topmost point Mr. P. placed himself so as to cut off his companions' +retreat, and then he delivered to them a discourse that they will not +soon forget.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="006c (32K)" src="006c.jpg" height="479" width="269" /> + +</td><td> + + +</td><td> + + +<p>When from his remarks, and the practical illustration which lay beneath +them, they had been made aware that it was a great country of varied +interests, and not a few little sections, for which they should +legislate, Mr. P. let them down.</p> + +<p>The following morning, after testing an admirable specimen of +horn-blending--offered him by Mr. BEACH, and not Prof. AGASSIZ, Mr. P. +set out alone for the Kauterskill Falls. His trip was wonderful. He went +in a wagon. The scene was sublime. At one place he came across a bevy of +New York artists sketching the scenery, and their sensations when he +suddenly cut off their north light must have been peculiar. But they +regained their accustomed pallor as the old horse struggled manfully, +and the danger passed away.</p> + +<p>At last, after an exciting ride over roads that had perhaps never been +trod before by human wheels, Mr. P. reached the great Kauterskill +Falls--that lovely freak of nature which has been celebrated in all +ages, and of which the poet says:</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> "The noble splash Niagara gives,<br> + In thee, fair Kauterskill, still lives;<br> + All but the mighty roar and size.<br> + And clamor of wild hackmen's cries."</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="007a (40K)" src="007a.jpg" height="441" width="313" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="007b (56K)" src="007b.jpg" height="277" width="497" /> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p>This view of the Falls is from a sketch by Mr. P. himself.</p> + +<p>(He will send a beautiful chromo of it--seventeen and a fourteenth by +eighteen and thirteen fifteenths of an inch--life size,--and a copy of +the paper for nine years, for thirty-four dollars and a quarter--postage +paid.)</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2> + +<h3>GENUS FELIS.--THE LION.</h3> + +<p>The Lion is a Cat, and has probably been a greater Scourge to humanity +than any other of the feline race, with the exception of the nine-tailed +variety, now almost extinct. He is known in Africa as the <i>Rad</i>, an +Arabic word signifying thunder, and not, as the superficial philologist +might suppose, a contraction of the name of a political party in this +country that at present enjoys the Lion's share of the spoils. It is +true that some of the American Rads are immense brutes, but in other +respects they do not bear much resemblance to the "lord with a big head" +which infests the African and Asiatic continents. Much has been said of +the pluck and endurance of the Lion, but his heart often fails him in +the hour of danger, and he sometimes Caves in without showing as much +Bottom as is displayed by his counterfeit presentment on the stage. In +short, like the Noble Savage of our own wilds, his moral attributes have +been greatly exaggerated. He prowls through the woods at night in search +of the herbivora which constitute his prey, but generally vanishes at +the appearance of Aurora. The Rad also makes tremendous havoc among the +stock in many parts of the East, but has never been known to molest the +Bullock in Georgia.</p> + +<p>Among the sports who have particularly distinguished themselves as +assailants of the Lion, may be mentioned SAMSON, HERCULES, NIMROD, JULES +GERARD, Captain CUMMING, Sir SAMUEL BAKER, VAN AMBURGH, and CHARLES +SUMNER, of Massachusetts. The last named gentleman, who is not generally +looked upon as an ardent votary of the Chase, some time ago attacked the +British Lion (<i>Leo Britannicus</i>) with tremendous ferocity, injuring that +somewhat superannuated beast as much as it was possible to do with a +short range air-gun at the distance of three thousand miles. For a +moment the shaggy monster looked angrily across the Main at +Massachusetts, but was soon satisfied that his antagonist was feinting, +whereupon he yawned, winked lazily at an adjacent Unicorn, and relapsed +into his customary state of doze. He evidently regards American +Lion-shooters as a Motley throng, from whom nothing serious is to be +apprehended.</p> + +<p>Several varieties of the Lion have been domesticated in this country, +the principal of which is the Black African, mentioned by GERARD as the +most formidable of the leonine tribe. Here, however, it is tolerably +tame, and breeds faster than in Congo or Dahomey. There are two +specimens (whelps) in the West Point Menagerie, and one of more +venerable appearance, with a full mane (black and curly) in the +Zoological Collection at the Capitol in Washington. Of this breed there +are supposed to be about three millions in our Southern provinces. Some +persons are of opinion that the Lion predestined to lie down with the +snow-white lamb, in the millennium, is the Black African species, and +from the fact that instances of this kind of union are even now of +frequent occurrence, some people believe that the Reign of the Saints on +Earth has already commenced. <i>Nous verrons.</i></p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>URBS IN RURE.</h2> + +<p>Having been often importuned for advice, by inexperienced persons who +are about to visit the country, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has concluded to make a +full exposition of his ideas on the subject of rural summerings, as +follows:</p> + +<p>When you pack your wardrobes put a few spring-beds in your trunk. You +will find them less depressing than the ordinary summer beds out of +town. A hair mattress or two may be stowed in the odd corners of your +travelling bag.</p> + +<p>Arrange, if possible, for a regular supply of Croton. The ablutionary +fluid is most difficult to be had in places where water is abundant. It +is mostly reserved for scenic purposes, and for the promotion of "the +mill-wheel's hum."</p> + +<p>Smokers should not lumber their baggage with Partagas. Connecticut +supplies all summer resorts with the finest Havana segars.</p> + +<p>If you cannot live without Kissingen you had better take with you the +necessary ingredients, and prepare your beverage yourself. Country +dispensaries dispense with such drinks.</p> + +<p>No gentleman should go out of town without half a dozen high hats, in +separate packages. They are just the thing for summer rambles in the +woods. But remember to touch your beaver where the hemlock boughs are +low. White duck is recommended for travelling suits. If the weather +should moderate unexpectedly you can procure caloric at the kitchen +fire. The finest kid gloves are to be worn on fishing excursions.</p> + +<p>Ladies should have with them as much jewelry as possible, borrowed or +otherwise. A few five-thousand-dollar dresses will be appropriate when +you go out to see the sun rise. The sun is quite fastidious about such +things, and warmly approves an effective toilette.</p> + +<p>It will not be necessary to carry with you opera librettos. Any +well-regulated country tavern can furnish everything of that sort that +you will require.</p> + +<p>Have a few billiard-balls in your pocket, however. In cloudy weather you +can improvise a game on the dining-room table. Travelling Chinamen will +probably furnish you with queues.</p> + +<p>If you should be invited to try the fruit of the oak tree, on the theory +that it is the American filbert,--very superior,--you can take your +friend's word for it, without eating.</p> + +<p>Get up early in the morning and go out to shoot Welsh rabbits for +breakfast. The exercise will improve your appetite.</p> + +<p>Find out all the novelties you can. It is a good thing to watch the +black cat fish. Feelin' weary of that sport, you can sit on the rocks +and tell the servant to bring you the evening paper on a silver salver.</p> + +<p>Observe carefully the auriferous sunsets among the mountains. You will +thus be enabled to determine with sufficient accuracy how gold is +"closing" in New York.</p> + +<p>Finally, write occasional letters to the <i>Evening Babble</i>. If your name +is JONES, sign yourself "SENOJ." This thin disguise will be very pretty +and will deceive your most intimate friends. Say in your correspondence +that the tables of the house where you stay are "loaded with all the +luxuries of the season." If convenient, show your letters to the +landlord, whisper to him, "JONES <i>fecit</i>," and explain the little joke +about the signature. This courtesy may somewhat alleviate your board +bill.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="008 (260K)" src="008.jpg" height="670" width="955" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>MY TURKISH BATH.</h2> + +<p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: It happened to be eleven o'clock some time during +yesterday forenoon.</p> + +<p>I generally take something at that hour.</p> + +<p>Yesterday I took a Turkish Bath.</p> + +<p>I took a horse-car. (That, however, is neither here nor there: but it +got within two blocks of there at 11.25.) I ran up the steps of the T.B. +establishment, and wired the inmates. The door flew open, and an ideal +voter, erst a chattel (I hope I am not obscure in this deeply +interesting portion of the narrative) pointed his thumb over his +shoulder, displayed a choice assortment of ivory, and chuckled with +great natural ease. I supposed this to be a custom with the colored +population of Turkey, and passed on.</p> + +<p>Everything was Turkish. I was struck with the order of the bath: also +the scimetary of the apartments. As I think I before remarked,--I passed +on.</p> + +<p>The M.D. proprietor shook hands with me very cordially. I also shook +hands with him. I told him that I wanted no ceremony; but if agreeable +to him, I would gird up my loins and go in. He intimated that the only +ceremony was to fund a small portion of the contents of my pocket-book. +I am a little hard of hearing,--and I passed on.</p> + +<p>An assistant, in the light and airy costume which I have so often +noticed in Central Africa, in midsummer, beckoned to me, after I had +laid aside a quantity of goods, (belonging to my tailor, and other +downtown business men,) and I followed him.</p> + +<p>The room we entered was heated by what I took to be a successful +furnace. I must have been mistaken, however, for I understood the +assistant to apologise because, by reason of a defect in the flues, they +had been able to get the temperature up only to about 475 degrees that +morning. I was a little disappointed, but simply suggested that the +thermometer was Fair in Height; but if I felt chilly I would send out +for some blankets.</p> + +<p>He laid me on a slatted conch.</p> + +<p>I experienced a gentle glow.</p> + +<p>Afterwards, (I don't know why, exactly, I have always attributed it to +the temperature,) I felt hot--hotter--Hottentotter! It seemed as though +the equator ran right along the line of my back-bone.</p> + +<p>I didn't care.</p> + +<p>I couldn't recollect whether my name was SHADRACH, MESHACH, or ABEDNEGO; +but I was baking and sizzling just as furiously as though I had paid in +advance. My pores were opening, and the perspiration was immense. A red +bandanna handkerchief would have been swamped.</p> + +<p>There was a bald-headed man next me. He said he had been lying there +three weeks, and he was going home next Saturday if he didn't strike +oil. I grappled with the allusion, and replied that that was a poor +opening any way, and I didn't believe I could myself lie there so +coolly.</p> + +<p>Waiting till my identity was pretty much gone, I dropped into another +marble hall. The assistant (to whom my warmest thanks are due) scooped +up what was left of me and laid me on a slab.</p> + +<p>The assistant said I needed him, but, to the best of my recollection, he +kneaded me. He went all over me, taking up a collection, and did +first-rate. I threw off all reserve--about half a pound, I should judge. +He seemed to take a fancy to me. I never knew a man to get so intimate +on short acquaintance.</p> + +<p>We talked rationally on a good many subjects.</p> + +<p>He said he barely got a living there. I was surprised. I supposed he +managed to scrape together a good deal in the course of a year.</p> + +<p>He said he wanted to go into some wholesale house. I ventured to predict +that success awaited him in the rubber business. In fact, we kept up +quite a stream of conversation, which he supplemented with a hose that +played over me in a gentle, leisurely manner, as if I were fully +insured.</p> + +<p>He then shoved me into a deep-water tank where the "Rules for Restoring +Persons apparently Drowned" whizzed through my mind, and I came very +near forgetting that I didn't know how to swim. I managed, however, to +fish myself out in season to observe the bald-headed ANANIAS, who +murmured that he had been laid upon the table and should take a peel!</p> + +<p>I came out to the drying-room, and made them think I was General GRANT, +by calling for a cigar. I drank a cup of coffee. After a while I rattled +into my clothes and felt better. So much so, that I did what I seldom +do, walked clean home.</p> + +<p>If I live to be ninety-eight years old, and am pensioned by Congress, +the explanation which I shall give to the country at large is that it is +due to that Turkish Bath. I can't tell you what I owe to it.</p> + +<p>SARSFIELD YOUNG.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="009 (259K)" src="009.jpg" height="1007" width="717" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>HIRAM GREEN WRITES TO NAPOLEON.</h2> + +<h4>HIS OPINION OF THE CAUSE OF THE WAR--REVIEWS THE LATE WAR FOR THE +UNION--A FEW SUGGESTIONS.</h4> + +<p>SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, <i>July--18 Seventy</i>.</p> + +<p>FREND LEWIS:--How does the Emperor bizzness pay about these times?</p> + +<p>Wouldn't you rather be door-keeper in some well payin' Circus, than rool +on the Thrown of Frants about now?</p> + +<p>Haint your present birth enuff to occashunly make a man forgit the 3rd +Commandment, and use Congreshunal langwige freely?</p> + +<p>I see, by the papers, you're up on your mussle, and are about to cave in +Prushy's head, unless Prushy nocks you out of time.</p> + +<p>You've got a very ingenious brain, my friend.</p> + +<p>What you don't know, DANIEL WEBSTER never rote in his Dickshunary.</p> + +<p>Feelin' bad about BENDITTY gettin' his smell-o-factory snubbed by King +WILLIAM, haint what you got up this ere war for.</p> + +<p>I can see through your little dodge, my Royal friend.</p> + +<p>Things was gettin' too warm for your Imperial top-knot.</p> + +<p>Them little jewels, which rested upon your brow, didn't set easy, and +was makin' Corns on your figger head.</p> + +<p>Your subjects was spilin' for a fite--and as sure as your borned, +nothin' but a forrin war would keep you from follerin' in the footsteps +of LEWIS the 16th, and keep the Boneypart Die-nasty on its pins.</p> + +<p>A good chance turnin' up, you got up a <i>nasty</i> war, so the Prints +Imperial would <i>die</i> off of the Thrown.</p> + +<p>"Eh! how's that for Hi'?"</p> + +<p>Yes, LEWIS, you are a bitter pill to swaller, and no mistake.</p> + +<p>I, the Lait Gustise says so.</p> + +<p>Us folks over here hain't so much on the war as we was. We've had our +stomack full of war.</p> + +<p>Nootrality is what ales us jist now, altho' I must confess we don't go +quite so heavy on it as England did doorin' our family quarrel. England +was so afrade she couldn't preserve her nootrality alone, that she +fitted up the Alabarmy to help her. And some other folks I know of was +so fast to perserve <i>her</i> nootrality, that she came over to Mexico so as +to be near bye to do it, but if this court hain't laborin' under a +teckinal error a few Pea-crackers traded off their soger overcotes for +white pine ones. And the rest of 'em scratched gravel pooty lively for +<i>lay bell France</i>.</p> + +<p>I'm afrade I can't jerk soft sawder when I git hold of a goose quil. +Guess not.</p> + +<p>When you kill off all your present army, you must git up a draft.</p> + +<p>When we had our war here, a man who didn't stand his little draft didn't +amount to shucks. Altho' we had more cripples and able-bodied loonatics +here them times, than since. The enthusiasm got up to that pitch, that +when an enrolling officer would pass down the streets, crowds would rush +after him, and with tears in their eyes and a $300 bill in their hand, +beg the enrolling officer to let them die for their blessed country--by +sendin' a substitoot. Patriotism ran so high, that altho' a man hadn't a +dollar to his back or a shirt in his pocket, he marched gallantly to the +war meetins, and voted to assess his rich nabor to raise money for the +purpose of buyin' substitoots with which to prosecute the war.</p> + +<p>Them was the times as tride men's soles, and made the shoomakers laff, +who done the toppin'.</p> + +<p>Jumpin' bounties paid them times.</p> + +<p>The bold patriot and able-bodied hero who couldn't jump his two bounties +a week, beside his bord and washin', wasn't warmed by the fires of 1776.</p> + +<p>Yes, sir; the self-sacrificing contractor, doorin' that eventful period, +by cuttin' down the poor sewin' wimmen's wages, partriotically furnished +the Government a superior lot of pastebord shoes for $27.00 a pair, and +a nice cool shoddy overcote for $97.00 apiece.</p> + +<p>Having received the reward of a gratefool country, he is resting from +his patriotick labors at Saratogy or Long Branch.</p> + +<p>Seein' that you have got a war on your hands, I hope it will pay better +than your Plebiscotum, altho' I don't know whether that 'ere article +resembles a bile or a brick meetin' house.</p> + +<p>I understand you have mobolized your army.</p> + +<p>My advice is to unmobilize 'em again, and get 'em in line.</p> + +<p>I don't believe in mobs.</p> + +<p>They are apt to get mixed, and popp off each other.</p> + +<p>Millingtery disipline is a commander's best holt.</p> + +<p>Little FILL SHERIDAN is comin' over to see you fite.</p> + +<p>FILLIP is a plucky little cuss. He allers used to fite in the Calvary.</p> + +<p>I don't believe he likes Infant-ry, for he remains onmarried.</p> + +<p>If "Old 20 miles away" calls on you, tell him I've got a gal, smarter'n +a 2 year colt, he can have by the askin'. She's a good cook, and can do +up a shirt <i>el commee faw</i>, and you know what that is, better'n I do.</p> + +<p>Don't appint your wife Re-gent. It will be a sorry day for you, if you +do.</p> + +<p>I appinted Mrs. G. in that position durin' the Honey moon of our wedded +life, and the old gal has hung onto the Specter ever since, and she +wields it with a cast-iron hand. As somebody says:</p> + +<p>Give a woman an inch, and you'll get 'el.</p> + +<p>Remember your grate uncle.</p> + +<p>He was a able sojer, and could worry down hard tack and mule beef ekal +to the best of 'em.</p> + +<p>But Waterloo ukered the old man, and the "Head of the army" pegged out +at Saint Heleny.</p> + +<p>Look out that his nefew don't get served ditto.</p> + +<p>As I've writ you considerable on public affairs, I will addres you a few +lines on private ones.</p> + +<p>Mrs. GREEN would like to borrow a new fashioned caliker dress pattern of +UGEENY.</p> + +<p>MARIAR bought a ticket in a church lottery, and drew a new fast collers +caliker.</p> + +<p>Would you have her make it up with a pancake attached to back of it, or +would you put a pendelum on it?</p> + +<p>She thought of having it scolloped, but in hot weather scollops are apt +to spile unless cookt, and I think a <i>roosh</i> of oyster shells would be +rather more <i>distangue</i>.</p> + +<p>My wife makes all her own dresses; but I suppose, as you get good wages, +like as not your woman has some one to do the fittin', while she runs up +the seams on a sewin' machine.</p> + +<p>Take good care of yourself.</p> + +<p>Don't drink ice water this hot weather without temperin' it with brandy. +When "this cruel war is over" come and see us, and believe me, my dear +Imperial rooler--duke of the Empire--and master of the royal Household +of Frog Eaters,</p> + +<p>Ewers:</p> + +<p>HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,</p> + +<p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="011 (98K)" src="011.jpg" height="647" width="510" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="012 (183K)" src="012.jpg" height="731" width="759" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>RAMBLINGS.</h2> + +<h4>BY MOSE SKINNER.</h4> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: I infer that you never visited Slunkville, Vermont. +Still, it is not strange, for many very estimable people have not done +so, and still they are happy.</p> + +<p>It is a very quiet hamlet. More quiet, if possible, than BOOTH'S HAMLET.</p> + +<p>I am sojourning here for the summer. Communing with Nature, I believe +they call it. I can commune here for five dollars a week and no extra +charge for retiring pensively to a babbling brook, and reading MILTON or +BYRON, though when my poetic soul hankers most, I prefer Bacon.</p> + +<p>I take it fried, about an inch thick, with plenty of ham fat.</p> + +<p>I went to hear Parson SLOWBOY last Sunday, on the Coolie question. He +handled it without gloves, and, it being very warm, without stockings +also. It's a very exciting question just now, almost as exciting as the +question, "What'll you take?" and I must say, that, even in the heat of +argument, he talked Cool-ie.</p> + +<p>The Parson is very zealous, but rather illiterate. During a fervent +exhortation he prayed that, "all the undiscovered and uninhabited isles +of the sea might become converted," and on another occasion he began +with,--"Oh, Lord, thou art a merciful sinner."</p> + +<p>But he means well, and that is everything. A man knocked me down once, +and stamped on my head several times. But he meant well because he +thought I was another fellow. He apologised so politely that I actually +felt cheap because he hadn't done it a little more.</p> + +<p>But I'm afraid we shall lose Parson SLOWBOY. He's had a call. He hates +to go, but he says it's his duty; the call is so loud.</p> + +<p>It is two hundred dollars louder than his present salary.</p> + +<p>The Lyceum Committee held their annual meeting last week. They are in a +flourishing condition, having recently embellished their front door-step +with a new and elegant scraper of unique design; and purchased four +superb spittoons for the use of the committee. The President announced, +amid great cheering, that they would probably open the fall campaign +with eleven dollars in the treasury. The course will open with a debate +on the question: "Are sardines wholesome when ripened in the shade?"----</p> + +<p>She who was among us one short year ago, with her winning smile and +gentle simplicity of manner, is now no more. The grass grows green o'er +her last resting place, while he who crushed her young life is far away +among his dissolute companions.</p> + +<p>LUCY JONES was indeed a lovely maiden. The tear rises unbidden to my +eye, as I recall her in the artlessness of her maiden beauty, hanging +her feet into the mill-pond, or chewing the strings of her sun-bonnet. +And when the stagecoach came in she would stand with her apron full of +horse-chestnuts, and heave 'em at the passengers.</p> + +<p>But the tempter came, and from that time she began to droop.</p> + +<p>She continued to droop till she couldn't get any drooper.</p> + +<p>And, with the gentle breath of June wafting sweet perfume from a wealth +of new-born roses, they laid her away.</p> + +<p>And the undertaker's bill was seven dollars and forty-five cents.</p> + +<p>Her old man's constitution was never robust, and this was too much.</p> + +<p>"I don't complain at the seven dollars," said he, in a voice broken by +emotion, "but ain't the forty-five cents rather crowding the mourners?"</p> + +<p>This undertaker is an awful lazy man. The neighbors say he was born with +his hands in his pockets, and they go so far as to say that 'twould have +been a good thing for his wife and family if he'd been still born. But I +think this is going too far.</p> + +<p>I don't think he ever got over the death of his brother, about a year +ago. It was very sudden. Without thinking what he was doing, he sat down +on a keg of powder with a lighted pipe in his mouth, and we have no +authentic information of his whereabouts since.</p> + +<p>The neighbors heard him when he went off, and, amusements being scarce +in that section, they proposed to regale themselves with an inquest.</p> + +<p>Twenty active boys volunteered to scour the neighborhood in search of a +piece of the unfortunate man. Nineteen came back empty-handed.</p> + +<p>The twentieth brought a button-hole, and over this the inquest was held.</p> + +<p>His brother never took on much, but I know he felt it, for he always +calculated to have that pipe when JOHN died. It <i>was</i> rather rough, if +you examine it critically.</p> + +<p>P.S. What'll you charge to publish a little editorial in your paper, +saying that I am as genial and polished a gentleman as you ever met, and +'twould be perfectly safe to lend me any amount? I want it for +circulation among new acquaintances.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>PARDONABLE SOLICITUDE.</h2> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: Having the most unbounded respect for your Gudgment i +wanto know whether you think ther is rely gonto be mutch fiting between +the french and the Prooshuns. It will be a important question to me this +Year, as i hev Raised over 100 bushel of weat and i think it wood make a +differns of over $20 to me, and i think if NAPOLIN gives up without +fiting he isen't mutch of a man eny how.</p> + +<p>AN AMERICAN FARMER.</p> + +<p>[Our correspondent will understand that the question of the continuance +of the war depends altogether on the comparative merits of the needle +gun and the Chassepot. Possibly our correspondent has not a supply of +either of these weapons at hand, but he can test them as follows: Arm +yourself with a sewing-machine as a representative of the needle gun; +then let one of your neighbors arm himself with a <i>chasse café</i> to +represent the Chassepot, and then fight it out on that line until the +best weapon wins.--ED. PUNCHINELLO.]</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE MERCANTILE LIBRARY ASSOCIATION.</h2> + + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="013 (91K)" src="013.jpg" height="617" width="392" /> + + +</td><td> + + +</td><td> + + +<p>Perusal of the last Annual Report of the Mercantile Library +Association--the forty ninth annual, by the way,--convinces PUNCHINELLO +that matters are all serene in that favorite resort of his. The only +"burst" about it appears, according to the report, to arise from a +plethora of books, which are bursting each other off from the shelves +for want of room. There is something funny in this statement when we +read, elsewhere, that 250 copies of "Little Women" have been added to +the shelves. Little women are notoriously pugnacious, and, as a matter +of 250 copies of the "Old-fashioned Girl" have also found lodgings on +the library shelves, no wonder that there was a "muss" on the premises.</p> + +<p>So far as the Reading-room is concerned, PUNCHINELLO is glad to know +that the reserve with which magazines were kept behind the desk for a +year or two past, has given place to a new and better arrangement. One +can take up his magazine, now, from a table appropriated to periodicals, +just as if he were in his own house--only more so, as there are not many +private mansions that can boast of a supply of 174 magazines, which is +just the number taken in at the Reading-room. The only objection to this +arrangement, according to PUNCHINELLO'S way of thinking, is that it +debars a fellow from the opportunity of addressing himself to one of the +fascinating ladies in charge of the room, and having a private lark with +her under the pretext of obtaining a magazine.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>The Report states that the magazine thief, and the cutter and maimer of +newspapers, are characters not as yet altogether unknown to the pleasant +acre or two of room appropriated to the readers of such literature. Not +unfrequently has PUNCHINELLO, when tumbling about copies of magazines +exposed for sale on street tables, detected copies bearing the mark of +the Association. Hence it appears that certain mean miscreants keep +themselves in tobacco and other cheap luxuries by filching single +magazines from the room, and disposing of them in bulk, when they have +accumulated as many of them as will fetch fifteen or twenty cents at +reduced prices. Meaner, if possible, than said miscreant, is the one who +cuts from a paper such paragraph as may be most valuable to him for some +inscrutable purpose--a paragraph containing important news, perhaps, +from the knowledge of which the next reader is consequently debarred. A +roll upon the first layer of a patent pitch pavement, and a subsequent +plunge into the show-case of a feather-dealer, would be merely a +sportive hint to these reading-room malefactors that their room would be +nicer than their company.</p> + +<p>PUNCHINELLO is glad that the Directory of the Association have paused on +the question of opening the Reading-room on Sundays. The matter with +most city people is that their eyes have too much paper and printer's +ink forced upon them during the six days of the week. Give the eyes a +holiday on Sunday, by all means. Let them rest themselves upon the blue +skies and the green meadows; upon the birds, and flowers, and +butterflies, in Central Park, and upon everything else that is lovely, +including the muslins and sweet things in ribbons of the period.</p> + +<p>In conclusion, PUNCHINELLO delights in whiling away an hour or two in +the Reading-room of the Mercantile Library Association. There he feels +perfectly at home; and if he has a word or two of information to obtain +from the dark-eyed young lady in charge of the room, he is always +certain to find himself prettily Posted.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3>AN INTERESTING RELIC.</h3> + +<p>A gentleman of this city is in possession of a very curious and +elaborate watch-guard made of the Hairs of ANNEKE JANS.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE NEW "PROCESS."</h2> + +<p>The two-fold plan which contemplates, 1st, Making Ice out of Water; 2nd, +Making Money out of Ice, has some features which, we should say, will be +of interest to the various Metropolitan Ice Companies. As it can be "no +joke" to them, perhaps it should be no joke to us: though, on +reflection, we are not so very like. No, no, indeed! As for ourselves, +we are liberal. You will never find us taking advantage of the +necessities of the public.</p> + +<p>The "cream" of the joke, as we see it, is that, owing to the abundance +and cheapness of this machine-made ice, the Ice Cream of the future--by +containing rather less farina and skim-milk (very good, indeed, in a +pudding,)--may be rather more worthy its title, at present so idealistic +and humorously preposterous. ("Cream," indeed! Ha! ha!)</p> + +<p>Success to the new Process. We "freeze to it" instantaneously, and find +that we have left the celebrated Zero at least forty degrees behind.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE WRINGER OF THE FUTURE.</h2> + +<p>The Yankee who invented everything else has now invented the "Wringer +Man's Monitor!" In spite of its name, the Monitor is a machine for the +use (and, we suppose, benefit,) of washer-women. "It is so +constructed----<i>so</i> as to allow the rollers to separate <i>equally alike</i> +at both ends," observes the tautological inventor. We hope he has been +more economical in the expenditure of wringing power than he seems to be +in the use of the English language; otherwise, we fear the poor +laundresses will find the Monitor a trifle too heavily plated.</p> + +<p>What we want (and we here beg the attention of inventive Yankees,) is a +machine that will, if possible, wring the truth from current Cable news, +and stop just as the lies begin to be squeezed out. Perhaps the stuff +won't wash! Then let the main pressure be felt by its inventors and +publishers.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>O THAT AIR!</h2> + +<p>At the Grand Opera, in Paris, the great excitement is the singing of the +"Marseillaise," by Madame SASS. Not many months ago the <i>Sans-culottes</i> +made the streets ring with this famous air, which was then a +revolutionary one, but, since the declaration of war, has flushed up +with the deepest dye of imperial purple. On the principle that "What is +Sass for the goose is Sass for the gander," Madame S. certainly should +not decline to sing the air on "t'other tack," when the time arrives for +the <i>Sans-culottes</i> to demand it of her.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3>SINGULAR MISTAKE.</h3> + +<p>On Wednesday of last week a rumor prevailed in the city that most of the +waiters in the hotels and restaurants were on a strike. Investigation +proved, however, that the rumor arose from the immense number of Waiters +congregated at Sandy Hook, waiting for the arrival of the winning yacht.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3>THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.</h3> + +<p>Just when the weather was at its hottest, a newspaper item kindly stated +that "yesterday, the sun's rays were tempered by a strong breeze."</p> + +<p>Perhaps so; but they were very ill-tempered.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3>LOCAL.</h3> + +<p>There is in this city a rag-picker so wealthy that he can afford to +drink wine every day. It is needless to say that Sack is the wine +preferred by him.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3>SHEAR DISSIPATION.</h3> + +<p>A man having his head shorn in hot weather, in order that he may be able +to continue his mad career of mixed drinks with diminished danger.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3>LATEST FROM THE SEAT OF WAR.</h3> + +<p>THE WAR SPIRIT IN FRANCE.--Cognac.</p> + +<p>THE WAR SPIRIT IN PRUSSIA.--Kornschnapps.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>A CHINA PATTERN.</h2> + + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="014a (105K)" src="014a.jpg" height="603" width="407" /> + + + +</td><td> + + +</td><td> + + +<p>There has been much obloquy heaped upon the Chinaman ever since he has +become an article of importation. He has been morally pilloried on +account of the alleged immorality of his character. Some call him a +thief; others impute unto him a kind of sub-cannibalism, inasmuch as he +bringeth unto his fleshpots that sagacious canine creature known for +ages as the friend and companion of man. There be those who proclaim him +liar, thief, counterfeiter, and apt practitioner, generally, in all the +branches of infamy and crime. That some of these allegations may be true +is more than probable, seeing that the city of New York, alone, not to +mention the rest of the world, contains not a few individuals known to +be liars, thieves, counterfeiters, and apt practitioners, generally, in +all the branches of infamy and crime, and who yet belong to races +supposed to be far superior to the Mongolian.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>None of the depreciators of the Chinaman, however, have yet impeached +him of a fondness for intoxicating liquors. That he smokes opium is +neither here nor there, seeing that smoking is not drinking. He +stupefies himself to some extent with the drug, it is true, but the +stupidity resulting from it is of an amiable and passive kind, quite +unlike that of our native or imported rough, whose fiery potations, +(word evidently derived from Irish potato,) impel him to imbrue his +brass knuckles in blood, if only simply for amusement and to "keep his +hand," (with the brass knuckles,) "in." And so, at present, WHANG-HI +seems to be a far better citizen than HI! HI! of our low places, nor is +there any prospect that he will turn over a new tea-leaf, and forsake +his national beverage for the "fire-water" of the Western hemisphere.</p> + +<p>Perhaps, in time, our great cities may profit by the presence of JOHN +Chinaman among us as a pattern. O happy day! that on which the +pug-nosed, bull-necked, brass-knuckled, beetle-browed, ugly New York +rough discards whiskey and takes to opium instead. Ere long the use of +the comatose drug would effect such a change in the characteristics of +our dangerous classes, that the maintenance of so large a police force +as we have at present would no longer be necessary. That they would use +the drug to excess there can be no doubt, and that is the main point.</p> + +<p>Eventually, the brutes might become absolute Mongolians, and develop +tails. That would be a blessed illustration of the gradual development +theory! With our roughs all turned to Coolies, happily would glide the +swift hours away. Let the government take this view of the matter, with +which Mr. PUNCHINELLO has here the pleasure of presenting them. If they +cannot abolish whiskey, let them increase the tax upon it, at least, and +let them take the duty off opium just so soon as our American Chinaman +shall have outgrown the use of that fatal narcotic, and introduced it to +the favorable notice of our American rough.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="014b (122K)" src="014b.jpg" height="677" width="703" /> +</center> +<br> + +<p>With admirable skill, the painter has depicted the heroic maiden as she +uttered those memorable words--"Persevere in this measure, and you will +lose the confidence of your squaw constituents!" the ladies having +pronounced the Captain "perfectly splendid."</p> + +<p>In the foreground is seen a wretched widower, clasping with affection an +urn, supposed to contain the ashes of his dear departed, who was slain +at the polls.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>QUERY.</h2> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: On very high authority, (that of the Emperor of France +and the King of Prussia,) Providence is on the side of both parties in +the present contest. As this is uniformly the case, according to the +affirmations of both parties in the war, are we to infer that killing is +a laudable pursuit, and that it is only in cases where one side happens +to have "heavier artillery" than the other, that Providence actually +chooses sides?</p> + +<p>Two things I know--the weather is uncommonly warm, and this is an +uncommonly tough question; so you may answer at your leisure (indeed, I +suppose you would do that any way,)--or not at all: which, I observe, +you sometimes do, when the question before you is a little <i>too</i> tough.</p> + +<p>PARADOX.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>OUR POPULARITY.</h2> + +<p>It is gratifying to know that PUNCHINELLO is fast becoming an object of +interest to all intelligent citizens of this enlightened country. The +recent large additions to our subscription list prove how highly we are +appreciated. Would it be considered unreasonable of us, however, to ask +that something less than twenty per cent, of our new subscriptions +should be spared to us by certain parties not wholly unconnected with +country post-offices? Not long since, of forty-two subscriptions +received from Whitehall, N.Y., in one week, nine copies of PUNCHINELLO +No. 16 mysteriously disappeared between that place and New York city. +Had the gentlemen who appropriated these papers, in their enthusiasm for +PUNCHINELLO, kindly allowed them to go to their destination, instead, +and written to us, pleading their inability to purchase copies of the +paper, we might, perhaps, have sent them some in consideration of their +indigent circumstances. If the abstraction of the papers was intended as +a joke--the point of which we do not see, by the bye--we are willing to +overlook the offence "just once." Should it be repeated, however, we +shall have some reference to make to the proper quarter that will be +pertinent to the subject.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="015 (265K)" src="015.jpg" height="1113" width="766" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="016 (270K)" src="016.jpg" height="1120" width="773" /> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1. No. 20, August +13, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1. 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