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diff --git a/old/8p11610h.htm b/old/8p11610h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9b8bc61 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8p11610h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2044 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>Punchinello, Issue No. 16</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 16, July 16, 1870</h1> +<pre> +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 16, July 16, 1870, by Various + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 16, July 16, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9877] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on October 26, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 16 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="001.jpg (286K)" src="001.jpg" height="1150" width="761"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="002.jpg (270K)" src="002.jpg" height="1125" width="778"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + +<center> +<h2>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</h2> + +<h4>AN ADAPTATION.</h4> + +<h3>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</h3></center> + +<br> + +<p> +CHAPTER X.—(<i>Continued</i>.)</p> + +<p> +The Pond at Bumsteadville is sufficiently near the turnpike to be +readily reached from the latter, and, if mentioned in the advertisement +of a summer boarding-house, would be called Lake Duckingham, on account +of the fashionable ducks resorting thither for bathing and flirtation in +the season. When July's sun turns its tranquil mirror to hues of amber +and gold, the slender mosquito sings Hum, sweet Hum, along its margin; +and when Autumn hangs his livery of motley on the trees, the glassy +surface breathes out a mist wherefrom arises a spectre, with one hand of +ice and the other of flame, to scatter Chills and Fever. Strolling +beside this picturesque watering-place in the dusk, the Gospeler +suddenly caught the clatter of a female voice, and, in a moment, came +face to face with MONTGOMERY and MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON.</p> + +<p>"A cold and frog-like place, this, for a lady's walk, Miss PENDRAGON," +he said, hastily swallowing a bronchial troche to neutralize the damp +air admitted in speaking. "I hope you have on your overshoes."</p> + +<p>"My sister brings me here," explained the brother, "so that her constant +talking to me, may not cause other people's heads to pain them."</p> + +<p>"I believe," continued the Reverend OCTAVIUS, walking slowly on with +them, "I believe, Mr. PENDRAGON, your sister finds out from you +everything that you learn, or say, or do?"</p> + +<p>"Everything," assented the young man, who seemed greatly exhausted. "She +averages one question a minute."</p> + +<p>"Consequently," went on Mr. SIMPSON, "she knows that I have advised you +to make some kind of apology to EDWIN DROOD, for the editorial remarks +passing between you on a certain important occasion?" He looked at the +sister as he spoke, and took that opportunity to quickly swallow a +quinine powder as a protection from the chills.</p> + +<p>"My brother, sir," said MAGNOLIA, "because, like the Lesbian Alcaeus, +fighting for the liberty of his native Mitylene, he has sympathized with +his native South, finds himself treated by Mr. DROOD with a lack of +magnanimity of which even the renegade PITTACUS would have been +ashamed."</p> + +<p>"But even at that," returned the Gospeler, much educated by her remark, +"would it not be better for us all, to have this hapless +misunderstanding manfully explained away, and a reconciliation +achieved?"</p> + +<p>"Did AESCHYLUS explain to the Areopagus, after he had been unjustly +abused?" asked the young female student, eagerly. "Or did he, rather, +nobly prefer to remain silent, even until AMEINIAS reminded his +prejudiced Yankee judges that he had fought at Salamis?"</p> + +<p>"Dear me," ejaculated the Gospeler, gasping, "I only meant—"</p> + +<p>"I defend my brother," continued MAGNOLIA, passionately, "as in the +Antigone of SOPHOCLES, ELECTRA defends ORESTES; and even if he has no +PYLADES, he shall still be not without a friend in the habitation of the +Pylopidae."</p> + +<p>"Upon my soul!" murmured the Reverend Mr. SIMPSON, "this is a dreadful +state of things."</p> + +<p>"I may as well confess to you, sir," said MONTGOMERY, temporarily +removing his fingers from his ears, "that I admire Miss POTTS as much as +I'm down on DROOD."</p> + +<p>"He admires her," struck in his sister, "as ALCMAN, of Sardis, admired +MEGALOSTRATA; and, in her betrothal to a Yankee, sees another SAPPHO +matrimonially sacrificed to another CERCOLAS of Andros."</p> + +<p>"Mr. PENDRAGON," panted the Gospeler, "you must give up this +infatuation. The Flowerpot is engaged to another, and you have no +business to express such sentiments for another's bride until after she +is married. Eloquently as your sister—"</p> + +<p>"I pretend to be no MYRTIS, in genius," continued MAGNOLIA, humbly. "I +am not an ERINNA, an AMYTE, a PRAXILLA, or a NOSSIS; but all that is +intellectually repugnant within me is stirred by this treatment of my +brother, who is no PHILODEMUS to find in Mr. DROOD his PISO; and +sometimes I feel as though, like another SIMONIDES, I could fly with him +from this inhospitable Northern house of SCOPAS, to the refuge of some +more generous DIOSCURI. In the present macrocosm, to which we have come +from our former home's microcosm, my brother is persistently maligned, +even by Mr. BUMSTEAD, who may yet, if I am any judge, meet the fate of +ANACREON, as recorded by SINDAS; though, in his case, the choking will +not be accomplished by a grape-stone, but by a clove."</p> + +<p>"Well, well," said the Reverend OCTAVIUS, in a faint voice, "I shall +expect you to at least meet EDWIN DROOD half-way in a reconciliation, +Mr. PENDRAGON, for your own sake. I will see that he makes the first +advance."</p> + +<p>"Generous and dear tutor!" exclaimed MONTGOMERY, "I will do anything, +with you for my guide."</p> + +<p>"Follow your guide penitently, brother," cried his sister, pathetically, +"and you will find in him a relenting—POLYNICUS. Whatever we may feel +towards others," she added, catching and kissing the overpowered +Gospeler's hand, as they parted company, "you shall ever be our chosen, +trusted and only PSYCHOPOMPOS[A]."</p> + +<p>Holding his throbbing head with both his hands, as he walked feebly +homeward, the worn-out Gospeler noticed a light streaming from Mr. +BUMSTEAD'S window; and, inspired by a sudden impulse, entered the +boarding-house and ascended straightway to the Ritualistic organist's +rooms. BUMSTEAD was asleep upon the rug before the fire, with his +faithful umbrella under his arm, when Mr. SIMPSON, after vainly +knocking, opened the door; and never could the Gospeler forget how, upon +being addressed, the sleeper started wildly up, made a futile pass at +him with the umbrella, took a prolonged and staring drink from a pitcher +of water on the table, and hurriedly ate a number of cloves from a +saucer near an empty lemon-tea goblet over the mantel.</p> + +<p>"Why, it's only I," explained the Reverend OCTAVIUS, rather alarmed by +the glare with which he was regarded.</p> + +<p>"Sit down, my friends," said MR. BUMSTEAD, huskily; himself taking a +seat upon a coal-scuttle near at hand, with considerable violence. "I'm +glad you aroused me from a dreadful dream of reptiles. I sh'pose you +want me to seeyouhome, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Not at all," was the Gospeler's answer. "In fact, Mr. BUMSTEAD, I am +anxious to bring about a reconciliation, between these two young men. +Let us have peace."</p> + +<p>"If you want to let's have peash," observed the other, rather vaguely, +"why don't you go fishing whenever there's any fighting talk, shir! Such +a course is not, you'll Grant, unpresidented."</p> + +<p>"I believe," said Mr. SIMPSON, waiving the suggestion, "that you +entertain no favorable opinion of young PENDRAGON!"</p> + +<p>Reaching to a book on the table, and, after various airy failures, +laying hold upon it, Mr. BUMSTEAD answered: "This is my Diary, +gentlemen; to be presented to Mrs. STOWE, when I'm no more, for a +memoir. You, being two clergymen, wouldn't care to read it. Here's my +entry on the night of the caucus in this room. Lish'n now: 'Half-pash +Ten.—Considering the Democratic sentiments of the MONTGOMERIES +PENDRAGONS, and their evident disinclination to vote the Republican +Ticket, I b'lieve them capable of any crime. If they should kill my two +nephews, it would be no hic-straordinary sh'prise. Have just been in to +look at my nephews asleep, to make sure that the PENDRAGONS have put no +snakes in their bed.' Thash is <i>one</i> entry," continued Mr. BUMSTEAD, +momentarily pausing to make a blow with the fire-shovel at some +imaginary creature crawling across the rug. "Here's another, written +next morning after cloves: 'My nephews have gone to New York together +this A.M. They laughed when I cautioned them against the MONTGOMERIES, +and said they didn't see it. I am still very uneasy, however, and have +hurriedly pulled off my boots to kill the reptiles in them. How's this +for high?" Mr. BUMSTEAD fell into a doze for an instant, and then added: +"I see the name 'J. BUMSTEAD' signed to this. Who'sh <i>he</i>?—Oh! i'mushbe +myself."</p> + +<p>"Well, well," commented the slightly astonished Gospeler, "whatever my +be your private opinions, I ask you, as a matter of evident public +propriety, and for the good of everybody, to soften Mr. DROOD toward Mr. +PENDRAGON, as I have already softened Mr. PENDRAGON toward Mr. DROOD. +You and I must put an end to this foolish quarrel."</p> + +<p>"Thashis so." said Mr. BUMSTEAD, with sudden assent, laboriously gaining +his feet to bid his guest good-bye, and rather absent-mindedly opening +the umbrella over his head as he fumbled for the knob of the door. "You +and I musht reconcile these four young men. Gooright, shir. Take a +little soda-water in the morning and you'll be auright, shir."</p> + +<p>On the third day after this interview, Mr. BUMSTEAD waited upon Mr. +SIMPSON with the following note, which, after searching agitatedly for +it in his hat and all his pockets, he finally found up one of his +sleeves: "<i>My dear</i> JACK:—I am much pleased to hear of your +conversation about me with that good man whom you call 'the Reverends +Messieurs SIMPSON,' and shall gladly comply with his wish for a make-up +between PENDRAGON and myself. Invite PENDRAGON to dinner on Christmas +Eve, when only we three shall be together, and we'll shake hands. Ever, +dear clove-y JACK, yours truly, EDWIN DROOD."</p> + +<p>"You think Mr. PENDRAGON will accept, then?" said the Gospeler.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD nodded darkly, shook hands, bowed to a large armchair for +Mrs. SIMPSON, and retired with much stateliness.</p> + +<p> +[Footnote A: The Adapter refers confidently to any Southern female novel +of the period for proof, that sentimental Magnolian school-girls always +talk, or write, everything educational, except good English, when +conferring with their deafened masculine friends.]</p> + +<br><br> + +<p> +CHAPTER XI.</p> + +<p> +A PICTURE AND A PARCEL.</p> + +<p> +Behind the most sample-roomey, fire-insuranceish, and express-wagonized +part of Broadway, New York, yawns a venerable street called Nassau; +wherein architecture is a monster of such hideous mien that to be hated +needs but to be rented, and more full-grown men stare into shoe-stores +and shirt-emporiums without buying anything than in any other part of +the world. Near the lower end of this quaint avenue rises the +Post-Office, sending aloft a wooden steeple which is the coffin of a +dead clock, and looking, altogether, like some good, old-fashioned +country church, which, having come to town many years ago to see its +city cousins, and been discouraged by their brown-stone airs, retired, +much demoralized, into a shady by-way, and there fell from grace into a +kind of dissipated cross between Poor-House and railroad depot. To reach +this amazing edifice, with too much haste for more than a momentary +glimpse of its harrowing exterior, and to get away from it, with a speed +as little complimentary to the charms of its shadow, are, apparently, +the two great and exclusive objects of the thousands swarming down and +up the narrow street all through a day. Some twenty odd boot-shops, all +next-door-but-one to each other, startlingly alike in their despondent +outer appearances, and uniformly conducted by embittered elderly men of +savage aspect—seem to sue in vain from year to year for at least one +customer; and as many other melancholy dens for the sale of exactly the +things no one but a madman would want to buy while on his way to a +Post-Office, or from it, appear to wait as hopelessly for the first +purchaser. There are, too, no end of open-air dealers in such curious +postal incidentals as ghastly apples, insulting neck-ties, and +impracticable pocket-combs; to whom, possibly, an unwholesome errand boy +may be seen applying for a bargain about once in the lifetime of an +ordinary <i>habitué</i> of the street, but whose general wares were never +seen selling to the extent of four shillings by any living observer. +Still, with an affront to human credulity of which only newspapers are +capable, it has been declared, in print, that there are bootmakers and +apple-women of Nassau who continually buy choice up-town corner-lots +with their profits; and, if it may be therefrom inferred that the other +trades of the street do as incredibly well, it were wise, perhaps, to be +further convinced that people have a well-established habit of +stealthily laying in their new raiment, fruit, and toilet articles while +going for their business-mails, and at once relinquish all earthly +confidence in the senses obstinately refuting the theory.</p> + +<p>About half-way between end and end of Nassau street stands a row of what +were modest dwelling-houses in the remote days when the city was under +the rule of the Americans, but are now only so many floors of law +offices. Who owns them is not known; for proprietors of real-estate in +this extraordinary highway of antiquity are never mentioned in public +like owners in any other street; but they are shabby, dreary, +hopeless-looking old piles, suggestive of having, perhaps, been hurried +and tumbled through musty law-suits scores of times, and occupied at +last by the robber Law itself for costs. On a certain dark, foggy +afternoon in December, one of the seediest of the fallen brick +brotherhood presented a particularly dingy appearance, as the gas-lights +necessitated by the premature gloom of the hour gleamed dimly through a +blearing window-pane here and there. The house still retained the narrow +street-door, hall-way, and abrupt immediate stairway of its earlier +days; and had, too, the old-style goodly single brown stone for a +"stoop," along the front fall of which, in faded white block letters, as +though originally done with a stencil-plate, appeared the strange +device:</p> + +<p> S—T—1860—X.</p> + +<p>Whether this curious legend referred to the sweets or bitters of the +tenement's various experiences; whether it meant Subjected To 1860 +'Xecutions, or Sacrificed to 1860 'Xecutors, or Sentenced to Wait e'en +Sixty 'Xigencies, did not bother the head of Mr. DIBBLE, who came in +from Gowanus every morning to occupy his law-office up-stairs, and was +sitting thoughtfully therein, before a grate fire, on the dull, wintry +afternoon in question.</p> + +<p>Severely unostentatious was that office, with its two ink-stained desks, +shelves of lettered deed-boxes, glass case of law-books in sheep, and +vellum-covered reading-table in the centre of the room. Its prompt +lesson for the visitor was: You are now in the Office of an old-school +Constitutional Lawyer, Sir; and if you want an Absolute Divorce, +Obtained for No Cause, in Any State; No Publicity; No Charges; you must +step around to a certain newspaper sanctum for your witnesses, and apply +to some other legal practitioner. In this establishment, sir, after you +have left your measure in the shape of a retaining fee, we fit you with +a suit warranted to last as long as you do. We cut your pockets to suit +ourselves, but furnish you as much choler as you can stand. If you are a +pursey man the suit will have no lack of sighs for you; if you are thin, +it will make your waste the greater.</p> + +<p>Mr. DIBBLE'S usual companion in this office was his clerk, BLADAMS, who +generally wrote at the second desk, and, consequently, was a person of +another deskscription. A politician in former days—when he was known as +Mr. WILLIAM ADAMS—this clerk had aspired to office in New York, and +freely spent his means to attain the same. His name, however, was too +much for his fortune. Public credulity revolted from the pretence that a +WILLIAM ADAMS had come from Ireland some years before, on purpose to +found the family of which the later candidate of the same name claimed +to be a descendant; and, after an election in which he had spent the +last of his money, he was "counted out" in favor of a rather hod +character named O'GLOORAL. Thus practically taught to understand the +political genius of a Republic, which, as gloriously contrasted with any +effete monarchy ruled by a Peerage, looks for its own governing class to +the Steerage, Mr. WILLIAM ADAMS subsided impecuniously into plain BILL +ADAMS and a book-keepership in dry goods; and was ultimately blurred +into BLADAMS and employment as a copyist by Mr. DIBBLE, to whom his +experience of spending every cent he had in the world, and getting +nothing in the world for it but wrinkles, seemed felicitously legal and +almost supernaturally qualifying for law-writing. BLADAMS was about +forty years old, though appearing much older: with a slight cast in his +left eye, a pimply pink countenance, and a circular piece of unimproved +property on top of his head.</p> + +<p>"Any news?" inquired Mr. DIBBLE, as this member of the once powerful +American race entered the office and still grasped the edge of the door.</p> + +<p>"I saw Mr. DROOD across the street just now," was the answer.</p> + +<p>"And what did he say, BLADAMS?"</p> + +<p>"That, in turn he'd see <i>me</i> across the street; and here he is," +returned the clerk, advancing into the room.</p> + +<p>"Ah, my dear Mr. EDWIN, glad to see you!" exclaimed Mr. DIBBLE, rising +to his feet and turning about to greet the new comer. "Sit down by the +fire; and don't mind the presence of Mr. BLADAMS, who was once a +gentleman."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, old man, I don't know but I <i>will</i> take a glow with you," +said EDWIN, accepting a chair and throwing aside hat and overcoat.</p> + +<p>"You're just in time to dine with me," continued the lawyer. "I'll send +across to a restaurant for three stews and as many mugs of ale. We must +ask Mr. BLADAMS to join us, you see; for he was once a decent man, and +might not like to be sent out for oysters unless asked to take some."</p> + +<p>"If they're the small black ones you generally treat on, I'd rather be +excused," grumbled Mr. BLADAMS, involuntarily placing a hand upon his +stomach, as though already paying the penalty of such bivalvular +hospitality.</p> + +<p>"Order saddle-rocks this time," was the reckless response of his +employer. "Mr. EDWIN is so rarely our guest that we must do the +princely. You'll tell them, BLADAMS, to send plenty of crackers, and +request the waiters to keep their fingers out of the stews while +bringing the latter over. I've known waiters to have their finger-nails +boiled off in time, by a habit of carrying soups and stews with the ends +of their digits in them."</p> + +<p>The clerk departing to order the feast, Mr. DIBBLE renewed his attention +to Mr. E. DROOD, who had already taken his ball from his pocket and was +practicing against the mantel.</p> + +<p>"I suppose you are on your way to Bumsteadville, again, Mr. EDWIN, and +have called to see if I have any message for my pretty ward over there."</p> + +<p>"That's the ticket," assented EDWIN, making a neat fly-catch.</p> + +<p>"You're impatient to be there, of course?" assented Mr. DIBBLE, with +what might have passed for an attempt at archness if he had not been so +wholly devoted to squareness.</p> + +<p>"I believe the Flowerpot is expecting me," yawned the young man.</p> + +<p>"Do you keep plants there, Mr. EDWIN?"</p> + +<p>"The whole thing is a regular plant, Mr. DIBBLE."</p> + +<p>"But you spoke about a flowerpot."</p> + +<p>EDWIN stretched his feet further toward the fire, and explained that he +meant Miss POTTS. "Did she say anything to you about the PENDRAGONS, +when you saw her?" he inquired.</p> + +<p>"What <i>are</i> pendragons?" asked the lawyer, wonderingly.</p> + +<p>"One of them is a schoolmate of hers. A girl with some style about her."</p> + +<p>"No," said Mr. DIBBLE, "she did not.—But here comes BLADAMS."</p> + +<p>(<i>To be Continued</i>.)</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN.</h2> + +<h4>MEMORABILIA OF "WHAT I KNOW ABOUT FARMING."</h4> + +<p>To avoid the charge of plagiarism I have concluded to adopt the above, +as the title of the following statistics.</p> + +<p>Many persons have trifled with the subject of agriculture; notably among +these may be mentioned the "self-made" man and the innocent who has been +abroad. I propose to attack the subject seriously, and to lay before the +readers of PUNCHINELLO information which will make their hair (if it be +of a carroty hue,) stand on end, and will certainly appease their +curiosity.</p> + +<p>There are several ways in which agriculture may be attacked. 1st, +Scientifically, (but then you are likely to get to Lie-big.) 2nd, +Theologically, (and a vast deal of theology may be picked up on a +well-located farm, for do we not find "sermons in stones"?) 3d, +Humorously, (which is the way in which the aforesaid "self-made" man +advances to it,) and 4th, Practically, (in which way, I think, that +innocent gets at it.) Now, when, during the war, I was building forts at +the Dry Tortugas, my overseer informed me that a fort was most easily +taken when attacked on all sides, so I have concluded to pitch into +agriculture from every quarter. Therefore my remarks may be considered +as made in a Scientific-theological-humorous-practical sense.</p> + +<p>Postponing a description of soils to a future time, I proceed to +elucidate, first,</p> + +<p>CORN.</p> + +<p>Of this vegetable there are five varieties, viz.: hard corn, soft corn, +chicken corn, pop corn, and Indian corn. It is a very useful production, +as it affords occupation to a large number of itinerant persons, who +have peculiar ways of sub-soiling it, some by a knife, some by washes, +and some by plasters. This vegetable is generally planted early, +(shoemakers having a monopoly of the cultivation,) and, curiously +enough, the larger the crop the less the owner likes it. Rainy weather +is good for this vegetable, as a damp day swells it very rapidly. It +requires a deep soil, for you cannot have any corn without at least one +foot, though two feet will probably produce a much larger crop.</p> + +<p>The best treatment for hard corn is to subsoil it with a hatchet, though +a little judicious paring is good; soft corn sometimes does the pairing +itself, though not judiciously. Soft corn is sometimes called sweet +corn, on the principle, "sweet are the uses of adversity." The variety +of this vegetable cultivated by roosters is called chicken corn, though +no farmer can give a reason therefor, as no chicken ever had anything to +do with a shoe, unless, perhaps, "shoo-fly." Corn cultivated by an old +maid is irreverently called pop-corn. Why Indian corn should differ from +white corn, I have never yet been able to discover. It flourishes under +the same circumstances, and requires the same kind of care, and, except +in color, cannot be distinguished from the white. Probably RED CLOUD +could have told us the difference, if he had been properly interviewed.</p> + +<p>Scientifically, corn is <i>tumorus in footibus</i>; theologically, it is a +"condemned" nuisance; humorously, you can't plant your foot without +planting corn; practically, everybody treads on it.</p> + +<p>LOT.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>TO MANAGERS OF RAILROADS.</h2> + +<p>PUNCHINELLO invites the attention of managers of railroads, generally, +but especially that of the President and Directors of the Morris and +Essex Railroad Company, to his new Patent, Portable, Folding, Tripodular +Derrick, with self-elongating extensions. The purposes to which this +machine may be applied are too numerous to mention, but it will be found +particularly useful for lifting up, and expelling from the cars, the +heavy commuters of the railroad just referred to, who decline to pay +double fare for stopping at Newark, and who sometimes even object to +being ejected for non-payment of said perfectly fair fare.</p> + +<p>In practical operation this machine is at once simple and complete. It +is also refined, elevating, symmetrical, and chaste. By properly +adjusting it, a railroad conductor can easily lift a recalcitrant +passenger, and project him through one of the windows of the car, +(provided said window is large enough to admit of such exit,) into any +selected pool, or pond, or quagmire, or any other sort of mire, of the +miasmatic salt meadows, with the produce of which Morris and Essex stock +is so satisfactorily salted down.</p> + +<p>Recent experiments upon pinguid and repudiating commuters, in the old +way of bullying, coaxing, and "soft-sawdering," have proved to be utter +failures. The united forces of a conductor and two brakesmen of the +Morris and Essex R.R. proved, in a late instance of a member of the Fat +Men's Club, quite inadequate to the ejection of that person from the car +of which he occupied a conspicuous fraction. The obese fellow declined +to have his ticket punched, and defied the officers of the road to come +on and punch his head. It is for the expulsion of such blisters upon the +social cuticle that PUNCHINELLO'S invention has been specially devised.</p> + +<p>As it is intended solely for the use and benefit of railroad managers, +no further particulars respecting it will be supplied to recalcitrant +commuters unless their applications are accompanied with Four Dollars, +respectively—the regulated price of one year's subscription to +PUNCHINELLO'S witty, plastic, unrivalled, intermittent, hebdomadal +publication. Should no purchase of the patent in question be made by the +directory of the Morris and Essex Railroad, however, PUNCHINELLO will +then meet contingencies by condensing the machine, reducing it so much +in size that a commuter may easily carry one in his waistcoat pocket, to +be ready, when necessary, for extracting an insolent conductor out of +his boots; or, should the occasion arise, for the immediate evulsion +from office of the autocratic President of the concern, himself.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>LOCAL.</h2> + +<p>The enterprising reporter who discovered an earthquake in the eastern +districts of the city, a few days since, has been obliged to employ a +snake-charmer to extract from his left boot an immense anaconda that had +effected a lodgement there.</p> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="005.jpg (140K)" src="005.jpg" height="607" width="633"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<center> +<h2>THE FEMALE GENTLEMAN.</h2> + +<h4>A MOURNFUL BALLAD OF THE PERIOD.</h4> +</center> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="006a.jpg (57K)" src="006a.jpg" height="384" width="507"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> A certain fair young maid,<br> + With mind on progress bent,<br> + Could not endure the way<br> + Reformers mostly went.</p> +<br> +<p> Those rights she wished to gain,<br> + Which SUSAN A. expects,<br> + But still she would not lose<br> + The softness of her sex.</p> +<br> +<p> If at a station she<br> + For cars did wait in vain,<br> + She would not stride about,<br> + And "damn" the hapless train.</p> +<br> +<p> "With men I'll equal be,"<br> + She said, "if women can;<br> + But still I must become<br> + A female gentleman.</p> +<br> +<p> Hereafter I shall try<br> + Polite and kind to be;<br> + And treat all gentlemen<br> + As gentlemen treat me."</p> +<br> +<p> One morning, in a stage,<br> + She rode to STEWART'S store—<br> + A young man soon got in,<br> + And sat down near the door.</p> +<br> +<p> Then, leaning towards the man,<br> + While passengers did stare,<br> + She smiling said, "Good sir,<br> + Shall I pass up your fare?"</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="006b.jpg (92K)" src="006b.jpg" height="510" width="502"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + + + + +<br> +<p> The young man started back<br> + As if he had been shot.<br> + Said he, "This dollar bill?<br> + I think I'd rather not!"</p> +<br> +<p> The poor girl sat abashed,<br> + While every one began<br> + To have suspicions of<br> + This female gentleman.</p> +<br> +<p> One morning, hast'ning home,<br> + It rained—to her regret,<br> + And just before her walked<br> + A young man getting wet.</p> +<br> +<p> She stepped up to him quick,<br> + And said, with courtesy rare,<br> + "It's raining, sir; will you<br> + My large umbrella share?"</p> +<br> +<p> The young man sprang aside,<br> + Beneath a leaky spout;<br> + The water from his clothes<br> + Ran like a stream for trout.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="006c.jpg (76K)" src="006c.jpg" height="436" width="478"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + <center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + + + +<br> +<p> His hand upon his watch<br> + He clapped, and cried, "Don't stop!<br> + Just travel on, I say,<br> + Or I shall call a 'cop!'"</p> +<br> +<p> This sort of thing she tried<br> + In many such a case;<br> + But every time she met<br> + Deplorable disgrace.</p> +<br> +<p> At last she said, "Oh, ho!<br> + My plan it is no use;<br> + When I politeness show<br> + I always get abuse.</p> +<br> +<p> The day is yet to come<br> + When female courtesy<br> + Is wanted by the men;<br> + No more of it for me!"</p> +<br> +<p> She straight sought SUSAN A.,<br> + And joined her haughty clan<br> + And tried no more to be<br> + A female gentleman.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="006d.jpg (82K)" src="006d.jpg" height="437" width="516"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2> + +<p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Having been appointed by the Committee of the +"American Universal Protection Society," of which you are chairman, to +call upon our honored Secretary of State, with the view of obtaining +protection for the interests of our merchants who are now endeavoring to +create a trade in ant-eaters with the inhabitants of the Chickadiddle +Islands in the South Sea, I have the honor to submit the following +synopsis of what took place at the interview:</p> + +<p>I found Mr. FISH in a state of partial exhaustion, owing to the unusual +heat of the weather, and the perusal of a fresh batch of compliments +forwarded to him by his particular friend in New York, the Hon. C. +ANDERSON DANA.</p> + +<p>Three negresses stood about him with palm-leaf fans, endeavoring to +accelerate the movement of the atmosphere in the very close room to +which the privacy of his feelings sometimes drives him. He was reclining +upon a sofa when I entered, but immediately arose and motioned me to +take a seat. I had scarcely occupied a comfortable looking stuffed +back-piece of furniture, when a pricking sensation in the region of my +coat-tails caused me to resume the perpendicular with amazing rapidity, +and, upon looking down, I observed the point of a pin protruding through +the cushion of the chair. The Secretary did not lose his gravity, but +very heartily apologized for what he called the "little <i>contretemps</i>." +The smarting sensation made me a little lax in speech, so that I did not +choose my words with that regard for the majesty of a Premier which I +came there at first disposed to do. He listened to my recital of the +application with perfect equanimity, until I mentioned the name of +PUNCHINELLO. At this point he colored slightly, bit his nether lip, and +exclaimed, with evident vexation:</p> + +<p>"What! the editor of a sheet that has dared to speak of me as a "scaly" +fellow, and hold my policy up to the laughter of the nation?"</p> + +<p>"Pardon me, Mr. Secretary," I interposed, with all the courtesy of +manner I could muster, "but I think you mistake the motive of Mr. +PUNCHINELLO in applying that description to a person so august."</p> + +<p>"Fire and fiddlesticks, sir! do you take me for a fool?"</p> + +<p>I pressed my hand in the vicinity of the fifth rib on my left side, and +solemnly asseverated that I did not.</p> + +<p>"It makes no difference," added the great man, in an excited tone. "I +can entertain no application coming from such a quarter."</p> + +<p>"But will you permit me to explain what Mr. PUNCHINELLO intended by the +epithet 'scaly'? It was only his peculiar way of saying that an officer +appointed to administer the responsible duties of your august office +could not impartially do so without the 'Scales'—of Justice."</p> + +<p>"Nonsense!" shouted the petulant old mackerel; and now I began to feel +"sassy."</p> + +<p>"But you must admit, Mr. Secretary, that there is a great deal of sense +in Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S nonsense. He shoots folly as it flies, and yet it's +a great pity that he can't shoot all the fools."</p> + +<p>"I am impressed with the truth of that remark, from the fact of his +sending you here," was the reply, delivered with an air and tone +intended to be witheringly sarcastic. That was enough for me, so I +dropped my gloves (metaphorically speaking) and went for him.</p> + +<p>"Old man!" says I, "you were lifted out of the quiet of a happy home and +placed here, not so much by the act of our illustrious President as by +the dispensation of a mysterious Providence. 'Way down in Skewdunk they +held prayer-meetings when they heard that news, and a good many of them +haven't stopped praying yet. But only last week, let me tell you, Deacon +DRYASDUST wrote to General GRANT'S father, saying: 'JESSE, old boy, +there's no use praying for that venerable porgy any longer; he's worser +nor ever, and bound to drag LYSSES down to the bottom with him.' The +kind old man wrote back to the Deacon 'That's so, GILL, as sure as +pickled souse ain't pickled salmon.' And now, Mr. Secretary, I come to +the point. What old GILL DRYASDUST and JESSE GRANT think of you is what +the people think; and when PUNCHINELLO shoots at you an arrow now and +then, dipped in fun, and winged with satire, he does it in no spirit of +surly bitterness or spleen, but with a heart full of hope and charity, +and as much as says to the people of the United States, in your hearing: +'My good friends, keep on praying for brother FISH, and don't give him +up because some think him a "scaly" fellow.'"</p> + +<p>Thus finishing this mingled admonition and explanation, I dropped a +single tear upon the figure worked in the carpet, and gloomily quitted +the apartment.</p> + +<p>The next morning I found a letter upon the table, at my lodgings, +bearing the imprint of the Department of State, and couched in these +terms:</p> + +<p> Dear Sir: Instructions have been sent from this Department to + Admiral POOR, commanding U. S. Squadron in Cuban waters to + extend to American merchants engaged in establishing a trade in + ant-eaters with the inhabitants of the South Sea Chickadiddle + Islands, every protection consistent with his remaining where he + now is.</p> + +<p> Very Respect'y,</p> + +<p> HAMILTON FISH.</p> + +<p>All of which is respectfully submitted.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2> + +<h4>ORDER, REPTILIA.—WORMS.</h4> + +<p>Worms are invertebral animals; in other words, they are backboneless, +but nevertheless some of them—for example the prickly caterpillars—are +full of spines. In Texas they call a chicken-snake seven feet long a +worm; but it would be just as reasonable to call the Rosse Telescope an +opera-glass.</p> + +<p>The common earthworm is the most unfortunate variety of the species. +Beaks are always after him, and he is often taken up early in the +morning while lying perdue in the moist meadow grass. Earthworms are a +good bait for trout, but the highflyers of the gentle craft consider it +infra dig to dig them. Impaled on a hook, they are as lively as if on a +bender, and if thrown, in this condition, into a stream or pool, the +fish are apt to mistake them for their natural Grub. When quickly drawn +from the liquid element by the angler, they sometimes come up with a +single drop of water hanging to them, and sometimes—though more +rarely—with two Gills. The question whether the hook hurts them, or +only tickles till they squirm, is one of those knotty problems that +physiologists have failed to solve. COWPER, the poet, had a tenderness +for the earthworm. So also had IZAAK WALTON, who recommends that he be +skewered "tenderly, as if you loved him."</p> + +<p>From the cradle to the grave, and even after we are deposited in the +latter, our bodies are liable to be infested with worms. There is the +trichina spiralis, which really exists, although the German +pork-butchers denounce the story as a "pig lie;" the ordinary intestinal +worm, which disports itself, eel-like, in the Alimentary Canal; and the +tape worm, of two varieties, one of which performs its circumlocutory +antics in the human stomach, and the other in the government Bureaux at +Washington. The worm that feeds on the cold meat of humanity, although +the most insignificant of reptiles, has one attribute of Diety. It is no +respecter of persons, and would as lief pick a bone in a royal vault as +in POTTER'S Field. All flesh is the same to it—unless saturated with +carbolic acid. It is said that all living things are propagated—that +the process of creation ceased ages ago; yet it is quite certain that +the worms known as maggots may be created by a blow. The most detestable +of all the vermicular tribe is the Worm of the Still, which is a sort of +caterer for the worm which never dieth—a reptile of another sphere, +that has never been described in Natural History. The only worm +recognized as edible by civilized man is produced in Italy and vulgarly +known as wormy-chilly. The subject is susceptible of further expansion, +but having run it into the ground, we here break it off.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>DUBIOUS ENGLISH.</h2> + +<p>The Paris correspondence of one of the city dailies has the following +terse, but somewhat equivocal statement:</p> + +<p> "Another murder of a brutal character is reported."</p> + +<p>At the first glance one is inclined to wonder who the "brutal character" +was, whose violent death is thus referred to. On consideration, however, +it is possible to arrive at the conclusion that no particular character +is pointed at, but only a murder designated as brutal.</p> + +<p>It is a way with newspaper correspondents to characterize some murders +as brutal, with the view, probably, of distinguishing them from +benignant murders, which, everybody knows, are of such frequent +occurrence.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="008.jpg (172K)" src="008.jpg" height="636" width="898"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>WESTERN NOMENCLATURE.</h2> + +<p>Closely allied to the study of history is that of the origin of names, +and there is in it a wonderful fascination. The following brief +statements will show from what a trifling incident a name may be +derived—especially a Western name.</p> + +<p>Previous to 1831 there was nothing on the site where Chicago now stands +but an Indian post, which was driven into the ground at the corner of +Madison and Dearborn streets. The present post-office marks the spot and +commemorates the old name. About the year 1740 a party of adventurous +young ladies, belonging to a Michigan boarding-school, came across the +lake on an enormous raft. When they had bathed in the pellucid stream +that now pours its crystal waters into the lake, they started to return, +when a bad chief known as LONGJON referred to the departing maids as a +She-cargo. Hence the name.</p> + +<p>There is another version of the origin of the city's name, which states +that a good Indian, named UNG KELL TOE BEE, when about to immolate a +fowl for his dinner on one occasion, repented of his murderous intent +and resolved to go hungry, exclaiming, as he let it fly, "Chicky-go! +there is room enough in the world for thee and me." The first story, +however, is best authenticated.</p> + +<p>Michigan, as is now well known, is only a corruption of the name of +Father MIKE EGAN, an Irish Catholic priest, who lived and toiled, and +was finally sacrificed by the Indians, on the site of the present city +of Detroit.</p> + +<p>Iowa is only a euphonious adaptation of the symbolic letters I.O.A., +which the Surveyor-General of the United States, in 1835, ordered to +have inscribed on all the quarter-section posts in that territory. The +initials stood for the familiar Latin maxim, <i>Idoneus omnium audaces</i>, +which, freely translated, means "go in and win." Some emigrants saw the +cabalistic inscription all along the roadside, and they twisted the +initials into a name for their State. It was a happy thought.</p> + +<p>The capital of Wisconsin derived its present name from a curious +circumstance that occurred in the time of the mound-builders, hundreds +of years before MCFARLAND went there to live. An architect saved a +woman's life, at the risk of his own, from a savage attack of +bears,—which made her husband furiously jealous. When he came home from +his mound-building, and ascertained what had been done, he sharpened his +trowel and went for the destroyer of his happiness. A medicine-man, +observing his momentary frenzy, grappled with and threw him, crying to +the neighbors, "Mad! ice on!" Ice was applied to his scalp, and the life +of his benefactor was saved. Ever since, the place has been called +Madison.</p> + +<p>Milwaukee received its name from an eminent red predecessor of the +pedestrian WESTON. This tremendous strider was called, in his melodious +native tongue, "MILE-WALKEE"—because, to the infinite delight of his +trainer, HOR. SCREELEY—he could make a mile in four minutes, without +breaking.</p> + +<p>The name of Superior was quite obscure in its origin, and the solution +only yielded to the most persistent and patient inquiry. Even CHARLEVOIX +does not mention it. It seems that the Chippewas who inhabit the +Southwestern shore of the Lake were formerly more wretched than now—the +squaws more ragged, and the pappooses more Squalléd; and when CARVER +came through he established a charity soup-house near the western +extremity. The beggarly braves flocked in with their gingerbread-colored +broods, and for months the benevolent sutler who was left in charge of +the establishment stood on a barrel-head and shouted daily to the +assembled thousands, "Soup! Here y'are!" This was taken up and corrupted +by the ignorant aborigines, and finally became Superior.</p> + +<p>It is not necessary to say that Kenosha was named after the Western game +of "Keno," or that Winnipeg is a deduction of the pleasant game of +cribbage.</p> + +<p>The origin of the name of Selma will be obvious to all thoughtful +readers who remember that it has been a notorious slave market.</p> + +<p>Michillimackinac is an Indian name, and originated in a touching +dialogue between two little Pottawattomies in the dead of winter. One +baby complained that he was hungry, not having had a drop of dinner, +when the other calmly replied, "My-chilly-ma-can-ac-commodate-you." The +juvenile benevolence was so wonderful that it rendered the phrase +immortal, and the whole of it was made the name of a county in Michigan. +Of late years, however, this irreverent generation has lopped off the +last few syllables, spoiling the harmony of the expression, and entirely +sacrificing its affecting moral.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="009.jpg (261K)" src="009.jpg" height="1007" width="718"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>HIRAM GREEN AT SARATOGA.</h2> + +<h4> +THE HOTELS—FASHIONS—SPRING WATER—AND CLUB HOUSE.</h4> + +<p>The season when everybody who can sport a 3 story trunk full of store +close, and a fine assortment of Californy diamonds, and rush to a +waterin' place, has got heer.</p> + +<p>The venerable head of a family pegs away at biziness all winter, and +when summer comes his wife and dorters pile off to Niagary, Longbranch, +Saratogy, or somewhere else, where they make the Govenor's calf skin +wallet cry for quarter, as they rag out in their most celubrious manner.</p> + +<p>I'm stoppin' heer at Saratogy, baskin', as it were, in the melliflous +sunshine of earth's fairest flowers.</p> + +<p>That the reeders of PUNCHINELLO may understand how the season is openin' +heer, let an old Stateman, who has served his country for 4 years as +Gustise of the Peece, consine his thoughts and observashuns to paper.</p> + +<p>The season is openin' rather encouragin'.</p> + +<p>The only openin' I know of that can beat it, was openin' clams at a +clam-bake down at Coney Iland.</p> + +<p>With Hotel proprieters heer it is a good deal like eatin' clams.</p> + +<p>When a person has lickt out the meet of a clam he throws the shell away.</p> + +<p>So it is with the a-4-sed Hotel Keeper. When he licks all the sweet meet +out of his border's calf-skin pocket-book, he has no further use for the +empty shell, and consekently chucks him out of the winder as lively as +Wall street hussles out a lame duck.</p> + +<p>The biggest houses heer are the Congris and Union.</p> + +<p>These institushins are to <i>terry fermer</i>, what NOER'S Ark and the grate +Eastern was to commerce.</p> + +<p>These taverns, bein' mammoth, perserve their mammothness by chargin' +mammoth bord bills. Ten cents a breth and fifteen cents a sneeze, any +ordinary member of Congress can stand; but when a wooden tooth-pick +costs you Twenty-five cents, and a cleen napkin half a dollar, a visitor +size for an app'intment as Revenoo Officer in a good fat whiskey +district.</p> + +<p>There is quite a heep of people at Congress haul.</p> + +<p>This bildin' is surrounded by piazas, where the fare sects slam out, +araid in gushin' apparel and stoopin' and tremblin' under their lode of +false hair, like an Irishman under a hod full of bricks.</p> + +<p>In this stoopin' posture their hands hangs down, and the picter seen in +nateral history, of a Kangeroo trying to stand ereckt, gives us what is +called the Greshun bend.</p> + +<p>When the fair bell strikes an attitood, with fore paws danglin' at +half-mast, to be admired by a dandifide lot of Tommynoodles of the +opposite sects, the opinion of this ere cort is, that insted of Greshun +bend, it had orter be called Kangaroo bend.</p> + +<p>I notis that old wimmin heer, as well as young ones, sport pretty +gorgeous harnesses. Last evenin' I was passin' a fashionable House heer +and I saw an anshient femail who was fixed with ribbins, satins, etc. +She looked like an advertisement for some glass factory, for she was +covered with a small waggin lode of glass diamonds.</p> + +<p>She held a poodle purp in her lap. On her head was a lose nite cap from +which ringlets and spit curls was danglin', like a lot of fish-worms +crawlin' over the top of a bait box.</p> + +<p>Thinks I, she was the old woman of the period and no mistake.</p> + +<p>It is fashinable heer to go to the Springs and swill down Congress water +by the gallon—called Congress water from the fact that it will take the +kinks out of a Congressman's hair, mornin's, after indulgin' in a +shampain supper, and any Inn Keeper heer, altho' they theirselves may +have several diseases hitcht onto them, will assure yon that "Saratogy +waters is the waters of life," and is "a sertain cure for any disease +ever invented."</p> + +<p>From my own observashuns it takes a person about 3 days to begin +relishin' Saratogy mineral water. The first day it tastes like the juice +of an old soked bute.</p> + +<p>The second day it reminds you of brine out of an old musty pork barrel.</p> + +<p>The third day it tastes like See water near a New York dock.</p> + +<p>Afterwards it begins improvin' until bimebye I would as leave have it as +Gin and Tansy.</p> + +<p>All the Springs heer are well patronized. Neerly as much so as the bars +at the Drinkin' Saloons.</p> + +<p>The High Rock Spring is a first-class curiosity.</p> + +<p>A good comfortable income could be got out of a quarry which prodooced +such stuns as the one from which High Rock water flows.</p> + +<p>One of <i>the</i> institushuns of this summer resort is Mister MORRISSEY'S +Club-house.</p> + +<p>The Hon. JOHN is more of a success at Congress hauls, Saratogy, than he +is at the Halls of Congress, Washington, D.C.</p> + +<p>When other members git on their high-heeled butes at Washington, +debatin' about the admishun of another State, JOHN'S voice is silent.</p> + +<p>When debatin' the grate public question of</p> + +<p>"Heads I win, tails you lose,"</p> + +<p>JOHN is the most elokent man in Saratogy.</p> + +<p>If any individual don't beleeve what I say, let him buck agin Mr. M., +and he will diskiver that the product of his experience will "Bite like +a Jersey skeeter, and sting like one of Recorder HACKETT'S sentences."</p> + +<p>As my wife's second cuzzin lives heer, I shall be heer occashonly +doorin' the summer seesun, a visitin' her.</p> + +<p>I like it heer as a visitor—at Mrs. G's. cuzzin's house, altho', in her +eccentricity, she sumtimes doesn't have dinner while I am around, and +often she locks the door when I am out after dark.</p> + +<p>I sometimes think her family would enjoy theirselves full as well if I +wasent there.</p> + +<p>Still, that is their look-out, not mine.</p> + +<p>A nawin' sensashun withinto me announces the hour of dinner. I must +close.</p> + +<p>As NAPOLEON remarkt, when he herd that the <i>Plebiscotum</i> had come out +ahead:</p> + +<p>"<i>Rest a cat in pase, Hunc e doreo</i>" which is a furrin tongue.</p> + +<p>Ewers,</p> + +<p>HIRAM GEEEN, Esq.</p> + +<p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece</i>.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + +<p><i>Bach</i>.—A courtship should continue at least two weeks before an offer +of marriage is made.</p> + +<p>An engagement should not last longer than from two to five days; +marriage for an indefinite period.</p> + +<p>We will answer your inquiries about divorce in our next.</p> +<br><br> +<p><i>X.Y.Z</i>.—JACK is the common abbreviation for the name JOHN.</p> +<br><br> +<p><i>R</i>.—If a man has a number of small children, (waifs,) would it be too +thin to call him a wafer?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>.—Are the children male or female?</p> +<br><br> +<p><i>Cris Pin</i>.—We do not know that the Chinese have ever been +distinguished as manufacturers of shoes. It is possible, however, that +they excel in making slippers, as they are known to be a very slippery +people.</p> +<br><br> +<p><i>Macaroni</i>.—You are right in supposing that the queer little birds by +which our parks have been enlivened for some few years past are +improperly called English sparrows. That they are German is obvious from +the fact of their preferring a Diet of Worms to any other kind of Grub.</p> +<br><br> +<p><i>Canadian</i> asks us three questions.—1st. Who were the MACDONALDS, when +Canada was discovered? 2nd. Who were the CARTIERS? 3d. Is the Government +of Ontario a Liberal Government?</p> +<br><br> +<p><i>Answers</i>.—1st. The name is Italian; the founder of the family was +MACRINUS DIONALDI, (who came over with CARTIER,)—which became corrupted +by political influence to MACDONALD.—2nd. JACQUES CARTIER was the +discoverer of Canada, but the present CARTIER is no relation of +his.—3d. The term "Liberal," in connection with the Ontario Government, +is merely a figure of speech, as there is no liberality in the concern, +which is "run" by SANDFIELD MACDONALD on a cheap plan.</p> +<br><br> +<p><i>A.B.C</i>. inquires how it is that the editor of the <i>Sun</i> has allowed +that journal to become a vehicle of vituperation, respecting Messrs. +A.T. STEWART, RIDLEY, and other leading merchants of this city. To this +query we reply that the spots on the Sun are increasing so in number and +magnitude as to baffle our telescopic investigations. A suggestion in +the case is furnished, however, by the fact that the columns of the +<i>Sun</i> are not lighted up with advertisements from any of the +establishments against which it has been discharging its meteoric +sneezes. And this may account for the dearth of the milk of journalistic +courtesy in the cocoa-nut of the DAN PHOEBUS who "runs the machine."</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>"YOUNG'S NIGHT THOUGHTS."</h2> + +<p>The <i>Standard</i> editorials.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="012a.jpg (158K)" src="012a.jpg" height="745" width="611"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>OUR CORRESPONDENCE BUREAU.</h2> + +<p>As everybody knows, PUNCHINELLO absolutely beams with benevolence toward +the human race, and a further proof of his disinterested and +self-sacrificing generosity is about to be displayed. PUNCHINELLO has +been pained to notice the wretched material with which, for want of a +well-posted New York correspondent, the country editor of the period +(amusing <i>sui generis</i>) is forced to fill his scanty columns under the +much-displayed caption, "Our New York Letter.—From Our Own +Correspondent." To obviate this difficulty, the following interesting +and important items of New York news, which are believed to have never +before been published, are gratuitously furnished, and the copyright +which applies to the rest of the paper is generously taken off from this +particular column.</p> + +<p>PUNCHINELLO is forced to admit, with due humility, his unfitness to +embellish his letters with the gorgeous and pyrotechnic lavishness of +"fancy writing" which graces the letters of the New York Correspondents, +but he is sure that the items which follow are infinitely more truthful +than are the most of the statements furnished by those highly erudite +and ornamental gentlemen. And in infusing such an element of comparative +truthfulness into the current statements about New York city, +PUNCHINELLO experiences the proud satisfaction of having done his duty.</p> + +<p><i>Items</i>.—The recent unpleasantness between HUGH HASTINGS and THEODORE +TILTON has culminated in a duel with howitzers, in which the former had +his head carried away, and the latter had both legs shot off.</p> + +<p>The fact has leaked out, that the recently reported BEETHOVEN Centennial +Jubilee was a myth. There is no such building in New York as was +described, and no concerts have taken place. The reports in the local +papers were written by unscrupulous Bohemians in the pay of the +musicians whom they puffed.</p> + +<p>The New York police are notoriously inefficient. They are generally to +be found lying drunk across the sidewalk, and 623 carriages are sent +around every evening to gather them up.</p> + +<p>HORACE GREELEY has joined the Red Stocking Base Ball Nine.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>A NOTE FROM THE ORCHESTRA.</h2> + +<p>I am a musician. I constitute one twenty-fourth of the orchestra at +BOOTH'S. I nightly blow the drum. Thus much by way of introduction to +the dear public, whose devoted servant I am, preliminary to a recital of +my woes. Whoever has been inside the theatre named has probably noticed +the peculiar construction, or rather location, of the enclosure wherein +we manipulators of melody are penned up. I know not what cause or +provocation the architect of BOOTH'S Theatre may have had, but certain +it is that he entertains a horrible spite against musicians. He may have +been distracted by diabolical hand-organs, or driven wild by bungling +buglists, but why should he include worthy and unoffending artists in +his hatred? The revenge of a BORGIA was not more terrible or cruel than +that of this architect. He has put the orchestra so far below the stage +that no part of the latter is visible to the poor musicians.</p> + +<p>Fearful that some unusually tall one should catch an occasional glimpse +of the apex of some equally tall performer, he has made the front of the +stage project, like an overhanging Table Rock, above the devoted +orchestral heads. And there we sit, like a row of human Stoughton +bottles, having eyes, yet seeing not the plays that we hear enacted. I +am disgusted. I am mad about it. It is a way of "coming it over us," +that is contemptible.</p> + +<p>What I want to know is, how can I derive any satisfaction from HAMLET'S +death when I don't see him die? How can I sit quietly there and see the +audience go into convulsions over Major WELLINGTON DE BOOTS, when I can +by no possibility see the point of the joke?</p> + +<p>Alas! There are no convulsions for me! Every night for two weeks has the +Huguenot slain the hectoring HECTOR, and I remain in blissful (no, not +blissful) ignorance of the manner of his taking off. It has gone far +past endurance, and I humbly trust that the public, or Mr. BERGH, or +somebody imbued with philanthropic feelings, will do something for that +suffering body—BOOTH'S orchestra.</p> + +<p>A SUFFERER.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<p>People are dying of cholera in New York at the rate of 353 a day. Six +emigrant ships arrived this morning, having on board 374 cases of +small-pox, 685 of cholera, and 897 of yellow fever. No alarm is yet +felt, however.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>A MIGHTY MODERN JEHU.</h2> + +<p>We learn from newspapers that Mrs. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN drives a +splendid four-in-hand turnout at Newport.</p> + +<p>Well, Mr. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN has been driving four-in-hand, too, for +years past, and the names of his horses-are Fenianism, Buncombe, GEORGE +FRANCIS TRAIN, and Blatheremskite.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="012b.jpg (45K)" src="012b.jpg" height="474" width="428"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="013.jpg (102K)" src="013.jpg" height="612" width="413"> + +</td><td> + + +<p>Of a certainty Mr. WATTS PHILLIPS made a mistake when he fancied himself +a dramatist. Possibly he may have inherited some small share of the +poetical talent of his well-known maternal grandfather,—the author of +"Divine and Moral Songs for Children," but he has shown no sign of the +eminent histrionic genus which has made his elder brother, Mr. WENDELL +PHILLIPS, so popular a Reformer. Still, if he was bent upon writing +plays he should have confined himself to dramatizing the more quiet and +domestic of Dr. WATTS'S poems. "How doth the little busy bee"—for +example—could have been turned into quite a nice little five-act drama, +had Mr. PHILLIPS condescended to grapple with so simple a subject. But +no, he must indulge in battles, and Sepoys, and Butchers of St. +BARTHOLOMEW, and dancing girls and things. He will write sensational +plays, let the consequences be what they may. Hence we are made to +suffer from <i>Not Guilty, The Huguenot</i>, and similar harrowing +spectacles. The <i>Huguenot</i>, which has just died a lingering death at +BOOTH'S Theatre, is an aggravated case of dramatic misdemeanor on the +part of the author, since it is wantonly stretched out into five acts, +when it could properly be compressed into three. A strict compliance +with the old maxim, "<i>De mortuis nil desperandum nisi prius</i>," (I +haven't quite forgotten my Latin yet,) would oblige me to refrain from +abusing it, now that it is happily dead; but, as another proverb puts +it, "The law knows no necessity," and I therefore can do as I choose. +Here, then, is its corpse, exhumed as a warning to those who may be +about to witness any other of Mr. PHILLIPS'S dramas. I flatter myself +that the disinterested public will agree with me, that if all the +Huguenots were as tedious as Mr. WATTS PHILLIPS'S private <i>Huguenot</i>, +the massacre of St. BARTHOLOMEW was a pleasing manifestation of a very +natural and commendable indignation on the part of their much-suffering +fellow-citizens not of Protestant descent.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> + + + +<p>ACT I.—<i>Scene, a tavern in the outskirts of Paris</i>. RENE, <i>the +Huguenot, is pretending to sleep on an uncomfortable wooden bench. A +drunken villain insults a lovely gipsy</i>. RENE <i>gets up and kills him, +and escapes his pursuers by falling over a convenient precipice. +Curtain</i>.</p> + +<p>Mr. WALLER. (<i>Soliloquizing behind the scene</i>.) "To-morrow I'll have a +comfortable bench to sleep on, if I have to take MACGONIGLE'S sofa. I +won't play RENE again if I have to lie for twenty minutes on that +infamous board bench!"</p> + +<p>COMIC MAN. (<i>Who is believed to read</i> HARPER'S "<i>Drawer</i>.'") "You know +WATTS PHILLIPS is a grandson of old Dr. WATTS. Now here's a genealogical +joke. If TOM'S father is DICK'S son, what relation is DICK to TOM?"</p> + +<p>ACCOMPANYING FRIEND. "Nephew? niece? mother-in-law?—I give it up!"</p> + +<p>COMIC MAN. "I thought you would. Well, he is—Upon my word I forget the +answer, but it's a first rate one. I've got it down at the office, +anyhow!"</p> + +<p>ACT II.—<i>Scene, the interior of a Duchess's drawing-room. Enter</i> RENE +<i>through the window</i>.</p> + +<p>RENE. "I have killed a man and am pursued. Save me!"</p> + +<p>DUCHESS. (<i>Aside</i>.) "Perhaps he is an influential politician, and may +get my son an office in the Street Department." To RENE.—"Sir, I will +save you. Get behind the curtain." (<i>Enter mob of drunken soldiers</i>.)</p> + +<p>FIRST SOLDIER. "Your Grace's son has just been killed. I see the +murderer's legs behind the curtain."</p> + +<p>DUCHESS. "You can't have him, for I have promised to save him. Get out, +the whole lot of you. Come here, you murderous wretch. I've saved you +this time, but I won't do it again. Here comes the officer to seize +you." (<i>He is seized. Curtain</i>.)</p> + +<p>FIRST CRITICAL PERSON. "How do you like it?"</p> + +<p>SECOND CRITICAL PERSON. "I hardly think the unities are fixed up just +the way they should be, but the scenery is fair, and WALLER isn't so +bad."</p> + +<p>COMIC PERSON. "Now here's another joke which you can't guess. Said a +little four-year-old boy, 'My father and mother have a daughter who is +not my sister.' Now what relation was she to the boy?"</p> + +<p>ACCOMPANYING FRIEND. (<i>Looking in vain for a policeman, but finding +None</i>.) "I don't know, I'm sure."</p> + +<p>COMIC PERSON. "Give it up, do you? Why, she was his sister; the boy +lied, you see. Ha! ha! ha!"</p> + +<p>ACT III.—<i>Scene, the outside of a prison in which</i> RENE <i>is confined. A +confederate breaks in and sets it on fire</i>. RENE <i>escapes. Curtain</i>.</p> + +<p>YOUNG LADY. "Pa, why did you come here, if you intended to sleep all the +time, and never speak a word to me."</p> + +<p>PA. "Because, my dear, I am troubled with inability to sleep. Morphine +won't help me, but WATTS PHILLIPS will. My physician tells me that he +always prescribes one of PHILLIPS'S plays in cases like mine."</p> + +<p>COMIC PERSON. "Now here's another one. This will tickle you, for it's +first rate. You ought to read the "Drawer," and remember the anecdotes, +so that you can repeat them when you're in company. That's the way I get +up all the good things I say. O! this is the question I was going to ask +you. Said a man, 'Father and mother have I none, but this—'"</p> + +<p>ACCOMPANYING FRIEND. (<i>With great precipitation</i>.) "Excuse me, but I see +a friend in a box whom I must speak to." (<i>Flies</i>.)</p> + +<p>COMIC PERSON. "Never mind, I'll tell it to the usher the first time he +comes this way."</p> + +<p>ACT IV.—RENE <i>is discovered, disguised as a monk</i>.</p> + +<p>RENE. "The hounds of justice dog me. Therefore I will keep in their way +until I have seen the lovely niece of the Duchess. She must love me when +she learns that I have killed her cousin." <i>Curtain</i>.</p> + +<p>ONE-HALF OF THE AUDIENCE. "Is that really the whole of the act?"</p> + +<p>THE OTHER HALF. "Thank goodness! it really is."</p> + +<p>ACT V.—<i>Scene, the palace of the Duchess. Enter</i> RENE <i>and the</i> LOVELY +NIECE.</p> + +<p>RENE. "The hounds of justice are laying for me just outside the door. +Fly with me, my beloved!" (<i>Enter the</i> DUCHESS.)</p> + +<p>DUCHESS. "She will not fly if I am at all acquainted with myself. +Gyurll, this fellow murdered my son, and I will give him up to justice." +(<i>Enter</i> COURT PHYSICIAN.)</p> + +<p>COURT PHYSICIAN. "Your Grace is mistaken. True, your son lay dead for a +month or two, but by a judicious application of four dozen bottles of my +"Universal Hair Restorer and Consumption Cure," he has recovered. Here +he comes."</p> + +<p>DUCHESS. "'Tis he! 'Tis my son, though rather thin about the legs. RENE, +I forgive you. Marry the gyurrll if you wish. Bless you, my children." +<i>Curtain</i>.</p> + +<p>FIRST USHER. "Go round, somebody, and wake the people up. If you don't, +they'll sit here and snore all night"</p> + +<p>SECOND USHER. "No they won't. They'll wake up, now the play is over."</p> + +<p>And the event proves that he is right. Slowly and gapingly the audience +arises, strolls sleepily out of the door, and entering wrong stages, is +carried to all manner of wrong destinations. So strong is the soporific +influence of the Phillipic drama, that not until hours after the play is +over, does the average spectator become sufficiently wakeful to express +an intelligible regret that Mr. WALLER and Mrs. MOLLENHAUER should not +have made their reappearance on the stage in some drama in which they +could have had an opportunity to act, and in which the public could have +taken some little interest.</p> + +<p>MATADOR.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>OUR FILTHY LUCRE.</h2> + +<p>Messrs. BROCKWAY, brewers, have lately been subjected to law process for +the impropriety of "cleansing" revenue stamps connected with the ale +business, with the view of using them over again.</p> + +<p>In one point of view there seems to have been a hardship in the case +referred to. Millions of people are daily occupied in dirtying our +lovely currency stamps, as well as in "using them over again," and yet +nobody has ever been "brought up" for the diabolical act.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>INTERESTING TO INVESTOR.</h2> + +<p>Weekly meetings are being held by the Department of Docks, to hear +suggestions from inventors. It is expected, of course, that the latter +will be willing to be tried by their Piers.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="014.jpg (197K)" src="014.jpg" height="599" width="945"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>SOCIETY, ETC.</h2> + +<p>It is rather a pleasing recreation, when no other is at hand, to read +the letters of some of the New York correspondents who do the heavy +Trite and the small Horrible for the outside barbaric folios. Standing +on the shore of their Firth of Froth, so to speak, we watch with +considerable interest the unique soarings and divings of "Our Own." One +of these writers informs the readers of a Boston paper that "There is a +great deal of business talent in New York," and that "There is a great +deal of what is called fashionable society in New York." <i>There</i> is +wisdom in solid chunks. It is highly important that such facts as these +should be stated seriously in State street and be conned in Beacon +street. "Our Own," be it remembered, is speaking of the "Tone of +Society," and he proceeds to remark, with great pertinence, that in our +unfortunate city, "There is a coarse, rude, uncivil way of doing +business, so general as to attract attention. If you do not take a hack +at the impertinent solicitation of the driver, he will unquestionably +curse you." "The telegraph operator grabs your message and eyes you as +if you were a pickpocket." Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO does not offer himself +as an apologist for the abusive and obstreperous hackman, but he wishes +to say that in the course of his active and eventful career he has had +various conferences with those servants of the sidewalk, and he has +never yet been unquestionably cursed by any one of the whole bad lot. +Only yesterday he had occasion to intimate to one of these tide-waiters, +that vehicular aid was not desired. There was a merry twinkle in the eye +of the Rejected, and he added, as an additional persuader, "Baggage +Smashed!" Mr. PUNCHINELLO felt gratified at sincerity in an unexpected +direction.</p> + +<p>"Our correspondent" is also exercised on the old-time grievance of +ladies in the horse-cars. He declares that "It is the rarest thing in +the world for a New York lady to return the slightest acknowledgement +for a seat tendered to her. She takes the seat as if it were her right, +<i>and gives the gentleman a withering look for his impertinence in being +in it when she entered</i>."</p> + +<p>PUNCHINELLO has been more fortunate. He has been crowded by sitters, and +punched with umbrellas; his eloquent nose has been offended by filthy +straw, full often, in his Avenue travel, until he hopes fervently that +we may have a new method of getting up and down town; it isn't pleasant +to be <i>knocked</i> down; but he has never yet been <i>withered</i>.</p> + +<p>Oh, no. He does not require a lady to genuflect before him to show her +appreciation of a gentlemanly act. Mr. PUNCHINELLO, being a gentleman of +the old school, and of several colleges and universities, is quite +satisfied by a nod and a smile, or "Thank you." And one or the other he +is pretty certain to receive. He never encounters the withering look +which madam gives to other men to mad 'em. But alas for "our own" +unlucky correspondent!</p> + +<p>PUNCHINELLO has often had occasion to confer with the gentlemen who +"blow messages on the hollow wire," as they say out at Fort +Laramie,—but he disclaims ever having been looked upon as a +pick-pocket. Behold his smiling face and say if any telegraph operator +could be so slow as to believe him a fingerer of other men's fobs.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>COMMERCIAL CON.</h2> + +<p>Why does the Ocean Commerce of America remind one of the railings of a +gallery? Because, just now, it is simply Ballast Trade.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2>"THEREBY HANGS A TAIL."</h2> + +<p>A citizen of Dubuque is said by a newspaper itemizer to have lately +developed a tail. We do not believe it; but that the author of the story +is a tale-bearer, himself, is a matter beyond question.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<h2>BOOK NOTICES.</h2> + +<p>ANTONIA. A Novel. By GEORGE SAND. Boston: ROBERTS BROTHERS.</p> + +<p>The popularity of Madame DUDEVANT'S writings is now at its zenith, and +the present volume is a very welcome addition to those already so well +set forth by Messrs. ROBERTS. It has been translated into excellent +idiomatic English by Miss VIRGINIA VAUGHAN.</p> + +<p>POEMS. By DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI. Boston: ROBERTS BROTHERS.</p> + +<p>Comparatively new to the public as a poet, Mr. D. G. ROSSETTI has yet +evinced so much of the poetic fire in his contributions to magazine +literature, from time to time, as to warrant the reproduction of them in +book form, and this has been done in a very tasteful manner by Messrs. +ROBERTS.</p> + +<p>By an error in our notice of "The Men who Advertise," (see PUNCHINELLO +No. 13,) the name of the publishers of that useful volume, Messrs. G.P. +ROWELL & Co., was omitted.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="015.jpg (247K)" src="015.jpg" height="1117" width="770"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="016.jpg (229K)" src="016.jpg" height="1132" width="781"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 16, July 16, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 16 *** + +This file should be named 8p11610h.htm or 8p11610h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p11611h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8p11610ah.htm + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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