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diff --git a/old/wwasw10.txt b/old/wwasw10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..66fb52a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/wwasw10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3486 @@ +*The Project Gutenberg Etext of Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date* + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +Who Was Who: 5000 B. 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Gordon + + + + +NOTE + +THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons +who can produce proper evidence of their demise will be +admitted to Who Was Who. Press Agent notices or complimentary +comments are absolutely excluded, and those offering to pay for +the insertion of names will be prosecuted. As persons become +eligible they will be included without solicitation, while the +pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant. + +Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or +endeavored to become famous. In a work of such magnitude +errors occasionally occur. Should this be the case, the editor +will be glad to receive corrections from the ex-celebrities or +their enemies. These will be accepted gratis. Proofs will be +sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be able to +order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting +to the publisher. + +The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United +States and Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be +fought. + +The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have +furnished material for this book. He also trusts they will +show their good feeling by purchasing a copy, and that all the +unfortunates will speedily be returned to Who's Who. THE +EDITOR. + +ABBREVIATIONS + +A1.......... Can open charge account. +A. B........ Four years hard sentence. +A. M........ When we get up. +Cit......... Common people. +C. O. D..... No credit. +Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and + investigation purposes. +D. D........ Be careful of your jokes. +Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile. +D. H........ Pull. +D. T........ Delirium tremens. +Ets......... The rest of us. +F. R. A..... Brains. +F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home. +G. O. P..... Hic jacet. +Hon......... Speaker of the occasion. +H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid + gloves. +I........... Roosevelt. +Incog....... Prominent men in Paris. +IOU......... Hard luck. +Ire......... Mother of politicians. +LL. D....... American millionaires. +M. P........ Home rule debaters. +Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate. +P. M........ When we go to bed. +R. A........ Any kind of a painter but a cubist. +Rep......... See G. O. P. +R. I. P..... See following pages. +Sir......... Writers and tea merchants. +U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson. + + + +OBITUARY + +Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A. +Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress. +Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust. +Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City. +Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark. +Dewey, George E., of U. S. N. +Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico. +Din, Gunga, of Kipling. +Dreyfus, Captain, of France. +Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic. +Gorky, Maxime, of Russia. +Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco. +Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey. +Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London. +Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle. +Huerta, V., General of Mexico. +Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London. +Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A. +Lloyd-George, David, of England. +Manuel, King, of Portugal. +Pankhurst, Mrs., of England. +Patti, Adelina, of Wales. +Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr. +Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia. +Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook." +Shackelton, Earnest, of England. +Shuster, Morgan, of Persia. +Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall. +Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A. +Time, Father, of Everywhere. +Turkey. +Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City. + + + +BIOGRAPHIES + +A + +ADAM[1] (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and +inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his +parentage. Born first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of +his childhood. Education: Self-educated. Entered the +gardening and orchard business when a young man. Was a strong +anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. Children, Cain +and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but +eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost +favor of the proprietor of the garden, and failed in business. +A. started a number of things which have not been perfected. +Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: Chess, agriculture. +Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of all +exclusive clubs. + +[1] Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that +position out of respect. + + + +ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden +with his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a +sheep raising business. Finally had a row with his brother, +and was knocked out in the first round. + +ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City, +Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and +control the pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing +markets. Camel and sheep merchant. Considerable land was +willed him. A. prospered. Married Sarah (last name unknown). +Marital infelicity followed, A. having an affair with Mrs. +Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the family lived +happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people. +Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan. +Clubs: Country. + +ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando +Francesco, of the Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion +of his life taking care of his name, climbing mountains, +fighting Turks, and denying rumors regarding his marriage. + +ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a +bath, but forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of +the siege of Troy. Died before receiving pension. + +AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his +childhood except that he was fond of dogs and played with the +cat. Later he made animals his life's study. A. discovered the +zoological principal that a turtle can run faster than a +rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. Publications: +Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece. +Clubs: Zoological Societies. + +ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a +genii with which he could secure anything an American +millionaire or actress can now purchase. + +ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system +for removing the financial interests of the country from the +common people and placing them in the hands of the few. + +ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job. + +AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in +the year 1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable +journey through the Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he +became an author and lecturer. Publications: The South Pole. +Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the U. S. Later A. retired +and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more poles, a few +more books. + +ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt. + +ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever +lived. In the height of a brilliant stage career she fell in +love, and decided that a quiet home with a husband and children +was more to be desired than the empty plaudits of the crowd, +and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies. + +ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in +Italy, but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed +his talents by making cartoons of the teachers. These were +unappreciated. Moved to Florence, where he bought some +chisels, brushes, and saw his first model. A. remained a +bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a brilliant +church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to +give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made +permanent. Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the +Medici family, leading politicians of his time. It is difficult +to leave Italy without seeing much of his work. A. never +favored the cubists or post-impressionists. Recreations: +Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome. + +ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and +could not forget what he saw. + +ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her +husband to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, +her humor terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to +eat cake during a bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated. +Ambition: Anything but October 16, 1791. Recreation: +Versailles; looking through a grated window. Address: +Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris. + +APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his +statues, patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table +water named in his honor. Career: See longer and less +respectable biographies. A. was the first person to sing to +the accompaniment of a musical instrument, but he was a good +singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel, +archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical. + +ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood +milking cows and embroidering. When the English ministry began +operations in France J. dropped her embroidery in the milk +bucket and began suffragetting. She did not break windows or +blow up anything. Gathered a host of males about her and +captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, but +again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and +burnt up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid. +Recreation: Barn dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans +Suffragette. + +ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece. + +ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, +and themselves out of the government jails. + +ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history +with a bad odor attached to it. + +ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured +the Round Table, and did all the things a good English king +should do. Little is known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was +crowned in Westminster Abbey, but without the American +contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed away from +the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was a +wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing. +Address: Windsor, Buckingham. + +ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in +his country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was +also a favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a +successful wing-dipping expedition against some of his +countrymen who held titles to names and property. Also juggled +dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George). Ambition: Women +without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address: +Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical. + +ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts +with nurses and cooks, spends his time boasting about South +Africa and the U. S. A., posing for motion pictures, and +exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ as to his marksmanship, +although it is now conceded he can often hit a man-sized target +at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, must be +clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea. +Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, +Kipling, blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities. +Ambition: Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket +bath-tubs, and restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See +Emperor William. + +ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a +preacher. Edited a huge book which bears his name. + +AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered +for crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering +somebody, for making speeches, or building triumphant arches or +ruins. + + + +B + +BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. +His first appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic +father. Education: At home. Career: A series of adventures. +Was frequently ill, a poor sleeper, toy demolisher, throat +exerciser, nurse distractor, and a general nuisance. Despite +his shortcomings he ruled Home with an iron hand--a tear caused +a doctor-- a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: Principally +liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair +pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother. + +BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good +fellow, and the founder of the "morning after" feeling. +Studied vine raising when a young man. Discovered that grapes +were not intended for a food. Invented the greatest pleasure +and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became a traveler. +Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland, +everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the +United States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe +in France, and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. +Recreation: Paris. Address: Greece. Clubs: All, except W. +C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The Throats Of His +Countrymen. + +BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare. + +BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. +Childhood and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel +when quite young. First visited Switzerland, where he climbed +every peak, walked every path, hired every guide, and did +everything a tourist should so. His field of travel widened +until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the +United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he +slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank +every wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train; +visited every ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store; +mastered every language, science, art, literature, custom, +history, and drew maps and plans of everything. Publications: +Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home. Ambition: Tourists. +Residence: Germany. + +BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the +talking forces of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition +seats on both sides of the house, and an epitaph over the home +rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's golf and writing deep +books. + +BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which +may be discussed in respectable company. + +BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went +to sleep. + +BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness. + +BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early +days in the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided +in cellars. John had a red nose. Was a great friend of +Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he is an "iser," and he will be a +"will be-er." Ambition: The end of temperance societies. + +BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, +the clown, and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show +he taught that some Americans were Progressives part of the +time; that other Americans were Republicans all the time, but +that all Americans were not Democrats all the time. + +BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was +a great friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at +Versailles a success. She always preferred marcel waves to +pompadours. Ambition: To have and to hold. Address: See +Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette. + +BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron +of gold mine investors and American tourists in Europe. + +BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of +wives, before Reno was discovered. + +BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the +suit of a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through +heaven, and made arrangements for his travels in the other +place. B. died a famous old maid. Ambition: A lover with +money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. Dante Had She Wanted +To. + +BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller. + +BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and +nuisance. Started the saying, "Number, please." + +BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to +be correct. + +BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks +into Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts. + +BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in +everything. + +BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born +before birth records were inaugurated, and no historian has +been able to determine her age. Career: On the stage at four +months. During her young-woman and goodlooking days-hood B. is +said to have made a hit with European nobility. In her +declining years she made a few other fortunes in the United +States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, +perfumes, perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. +Ambition: The fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, +acting. Address: Private cars and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. +She also has a telephone. + +BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American +boy. He began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the +plains of the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a +fortune in a tent. Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy +ambition in the hearts of young America. He also made a goatee +and a big hat famous. Played the show market a little too long. + +BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, +and made people laugh. + +BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any +Ireland has ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an +emperor, changed the Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into +Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work overtime for his +country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in +Germany. + +BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered. + +BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy +of navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English +Channel without being seasick. + +BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also +was not the only German general who ever fought France. + +BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him). + +BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. +Being an old maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the +parrot or the cat. Her endeavors were confined to horses, and +one of her paintings is considered fair. + +BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never +fought a battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted +campaigns in Great Britain and the United States, with brass +bands and collection devises. The army later became a +suffragette institution when women were admitted as recruits, +and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter collection +forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers +and troopesses. + +BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor). + +BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your +bank account and told how you paid your bills. His +complimentary comments are highly valued. + +BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it +without being fined or driven out of business. + +BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by +espousing the cause of the negro. This resulted in his body +moulding in the grave. + +BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure +of life by springing into print when young, and keeping out of +it when old. + +BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are +deciphered by the Bostonese and cultured English people. It +has been estimated that B. could say more with fewer words and +conceal his meaning better than any writer since the adaptation +of the alphabet as a means of expression. + +BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were +easily understood, and consequently seldom read. + +BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease +in his pantaloons than for his head. + +BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer. + +BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a +newspaper and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists +claim B. formed a passion to rule the nation when a child. He +only got as far as the Democratic party and platforms. Became a +golden orator with a silver speech and offered himself as a +rectifier of all things not Bryan. For ages his name was +placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. Made a +fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also +toured the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. +Was the father of Bryanism, an odious word meaning things +Bryan. Later secured one Wilson to attend to Washington detail +work. Motto: All things come to him with bait. Ambition: +Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, a +newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail +forwarded from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again. + +BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and +weakness. He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and +caused many a man to lose the keyhole. + +BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned +reformer. Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and +referendum. Nailed several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in +his platform. After B.'s death his friends filled the Orient +with his bronzes. He was fat and wore a fascinating wart on his +forehead. + +BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who +inhabits a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North +Atlantic. Born several hundred years ago and is beginning to +show his age. Is fond of the sea and is said to have a fine +fleet. This has had off years, notably 1812. B. has had +trouble with a son who wishes to leave the paternal protection. +Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, the Pankhurst +family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly social +organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception +committee for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates +buildings, poses for stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and +raises princesses of Wales for magazine articles and crowning +purposes. B. is a monitor of English style; wears a monocle, +spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and never makes his +appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word +"egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes +but himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea, +Week Ends. Address: Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, +Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See Emperor William Again. + +BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love +poems about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable +feats-- making poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a +girl in Scotland who was as beautiful as his lines declare. + +BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has +remained the same size and age for the past eight years. + +BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to +get away from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and +wrote poems. + + + +C + +CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great +politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics +as the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs. +Became a fair general despite his poor service training. +Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army and capturing +Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland or +Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally +included Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with +the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote books and +paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest +senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but +escaped the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest +funeral orations over delivered over a corpse. He was also +awarded a few triumphant arches. Publications: Omnes Gallia +est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome: Address: +Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member +of the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph: +Veni, Vidi. + +CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag. + +CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House +of Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. +occupied the chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and +trusts from the unkind remarks of congressmen who knew things +and him. Was finally retired from the chair by the Democrats, +and from Congress by his constituents. Grave: 1912 election. +Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty days once +more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P. + +CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean +could wave at him. + +CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which +wears a crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: +Northern Spain. + +CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government +tobacco factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician +rescued her. Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the +cities throughout the world, made love to several singers, and +then been killed by a bull fighter after singing her way +through five acts. + +CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old +American who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace +buildings, and advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman +he scotched his three dollars a week and purchased the steel +trust. Later retired. Ambition: Universal peace with all +dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a library in every +town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn the root of +all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address: +University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland. + +CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble. + +CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the +Victor Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or +a sore throat, a condition which assisted materially in filling +the house. Like all his contemporaries, C. has been sued for +divorce and breach of promise, has lost his jewelry, visited +zoological gardens, sung for charity, given farewell concerts, +and done other things to help his newspaper and box-office +reputation. + +CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was +successful for a time in the U. S. + +CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see +Pollux). + +CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce +American-Irish politics into South America. Acquired a +fortune, which was greatly increased by a personal friendship +with the American asphalt trust. Was revolutioned a few times, +and finally escaped with the mint and his life. Career: +Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York +police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ? + +CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the +Treasury, who had different ideas of taxation. + +CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his +business. Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic +liners combined. Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None. +Address: The Styx. + +CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the +English language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known +work is used as a student puzzle in leading universities and +colleges. Ambition: A typewriter and a dictionary. + +CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed +clothes, and made chop suey until he had enough money to return +to his native land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium. + +CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living. + +CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living. + +CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in +politics. Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement. + +CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two +sisters in society. Historians have questioned her claims to +fame, but they may easily be substantiated by millions of +children. + +CLAUS, Santa, poor father. + +CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a +threadless needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was +unsuccessful in her love and naval affairs, and finally became +a mummy through the auspices of an adder. Ambition: An +Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: Barging +with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid. + +CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and +ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering +cash, and the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many +people, but never quite reached the top. Both died trying to +get there. Ambition: An English nobleman in the family. +Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. Address: See +Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they +wanted. + +COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. +Great smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers. + +COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat +burnings. + +COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have +been born in Genoa. Something made him believe the world was +round. He endeavored to secure money to prove his theory, but +nobody cared whether he was correct or not. Realizing there +was no capital or prophet in his own country, he took passage +to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into equipping an +expedition for him to discover America. She did and he did. +Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation: +Deck shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: +Palos Yacht. + +COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when +we were taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. +Recreation: Tea. Ambition: An invitation to dinner. + +CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. +C. and taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do +things backward. He also was the founder of ancestor worship. +This still is practiced in England, but never in the United +States or Australia. Recreation: Fireworks. Ambition: A +Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More Majorum. + +CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" +in all history books. + +COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at +a tender age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and +in the management of the house. When she departed there was +weeping, and wailing, and waiting. Diet: Usually large and +everything of the best. Ambition: An American policeman, or +Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: The whole +house. + +COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich +Islands and who took the first Cook's tour around the world. + +COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered +the north pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.) + +COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating +travel literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save +you money. Owns and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. +Publications: The Come On Books. Ambition: Those Americans +who want to see everything. Also "first timers." Address: Any +foreign city equipped with tourists. + +COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his +father save money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in +Paris. + +COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in +building a reputation. + +CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion +fighter of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a +good word. Many persons wish he might be the Corbett he used +to be. Ambition: A white champion. + +CORELLI,[2] Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful +love scenes. She is said to have written some books which +brought her fame and royalty. C. does not approve of society +except her own. She remains secluded with her typewriter at +Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only being seen by her +publishers and the editor. Publications: See book stores and +railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All +anti-suffragette. + +[2] Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the +next edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations +of book reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen +into the "was" class. The editor never contradicts a book +reviewer. + + + +COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the +world which did not take up collections or give away Christmas +dinners. + +CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world +to see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column +for his employers. + +CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy +without trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market. + +CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of +Irish parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics, +which resulted in his gaining the friendship of the New York +police force. C. was elected. C. was very poor. Later +retired to his native land with two Atlantic liners filled with +salary. Ambition: An Irish president. Recreation: English +Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York +Democratic. + +CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, +and went about England tearing down churches. He also assisted +in putting King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in +England on a reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was +honored by having his round head placed as a decoration over +Westminster Hall. + +CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. +Visited a sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked +to parrots; found some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned +to England to become an author. + +CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one +at least once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to +mischievous tricks. It was he who made kings fall in love with +poor country girls; chauffeurs with their ladies, and beggars +with princesses. C. held all men and women equal provided they +were good, and he made the happiest people on earth when they +listened to his voice. He witnessed several international +engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants gave him +a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some +roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At +times he caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When +C. stayed in a house the sun was always shining. You should be +at home when he calls. Ambition: That sigh. Recreation: +Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. Clubs: None. He prefers +the fireside and moonlight nights. + +CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print +without being a suffragette or an actress. + +CZAR. See Russia. + + + +D + +DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat +of remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for +the insurance. + +DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, +lover, and poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but +used too much slang. Later fell in love. The girl (see her) +knew what journalists were, and refused to spoon. Exasperated, +he began a bombardment of poetry. That settled it. D. then +entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix with love and +his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished. +Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his +bust while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia. +Publications: Poems, tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition: +To be Beatrice's Romeo. Recreation: Travel. Address: II via +Dante, Florence. Seldom at home. + +DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution. + +DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the +world that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of +the truly brave who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement. + +DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered +that many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his +theories with the exception of one link. The clergymen claimed +that a chain with one link missing was no chain, and that D. +was a nature faker. Publications: Origin of Species, a +valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the currency +bill. + +DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and +rescued little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.) + +DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion +sling shot, and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army +as a volunteer, and was awarded medals for his attack upon +Goliath. Appointed musician to the royal household. Became +friendly with the Prince of Wales and succeeded in doing him +out of the coronation. Later was elected king. Fell in love +with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her husband +a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol. +Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address: +Jerusalem. + +DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a +lifetime, usually toward the close. Patron of insurance +companies. Nothing is known of his childhood. Historians claim +he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; wore a sheet over his +head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. Never brought +happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to some +one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. +Many doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he +continues to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None. +Ambition: A happy home and prosperous graveyards. Recreation: +Sharpening scythes. Address: Always hung out a black cloth +wherever he resided. + +DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also +accompanied Samson on a number of European and American opera +expeditions. + +DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where +the cost of living has ever been high. He introduced the +French menu into the U. S. and with it considerable +indigestion. + +DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker. + +DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in +France. + +DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator +from the state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, +dedicated monuments; married a young wife, and was relegated to +obscurity by the American voters. + +DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more +than her clothes. + +DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract +a royal press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary. + +DEVIL, see Old Nic. + +DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without +which no cold day is complete. + +DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed +a Spanish armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a +nation; had cigars named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was +paraded through the streets; married a widow; moved to +Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, and got out of the +newspapers. + +DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, +and the chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt. +Address: Ephesus. + +DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who +departed from the social functions of a king to assist the +government. Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned +his actions on a Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was +requested to move. Ambition: A revolution with himself on +top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty years in the +White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me. + +DICE, see Thomas and Harry. + +DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the +messenger boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an +important part in the lives of the boys who never visited the +Carnegie libraries. + +DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote. + +DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. +Employed in H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes. +Fought in many battles. Frequently gave bad water to soldiers. +Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was shot while in the act. Saved +the government the price of a medal. His pathetic story was +widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the U. S. and +Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the +story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes. +Recreation: Sleep. Address: Care of biographer. + +DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored +to find something with a lantern which could not even be +located with a searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. +Recreation: Cleaning globes. Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here +Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible. + +DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to +run England. + +DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by +persons who forged his name. + +DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off +their hats, shout, and whistle when he rode into town. + +DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies. + +DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed +the world how easily some people were deprived of their money +and religion. + +DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public +square named after him. D. also introduced the spud into +Ireland. + +DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and +intended doing something to-day. Spent much time thinking about +the best girl in the world. A great friend of Procrastinator. +Went through life waiting for to-morrow. Several men, however, +with the same name, have awakened and given their dreams to the +world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth). + +DREW, John, prehistoric American actor. + +DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail +by being one of the few innocent men who got into print. + +DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good +layer on. + +DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an +early age and never recovered, despite the services of +specialists. + +DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to +open a charge account. + + + +E + +EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most +expensive sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, +tourists. Address: Rochester and London. Clubs: Camera. + +EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made +millions by telling the world there was no such thing as the +toothache, sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer. + +EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the +exception of the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor. + +EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who +was wise enough to stop before he got too high. + +EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When +a young man he became a benedict, a condition in which he +remained until well along in years. As fast as a queen +appeared at the breakfast table with her hair down her back, +she was dispatched to the block. A couple of queens got ahead +of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces as +Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later +years he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A +harem. Recreation: Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: +Windsor. + +ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece +to the British Museum. Also had something to do with the +interior of watches. + +ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). +Later he went somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a +chariot driver. + +ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the +boys. E. reigned when people did things. She was wooed and +lost by an Armada (see Philip II). She finally walked over +Raleigh's coat, and later wiped her feet on him. E. had a +sister by the name of Mary, who was better looking, and less +fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced into +England. Other and less important events of her reign were: +Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: +She did not have any. + +ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books. + +EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town +of Italy; a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust +his affairs to a brainier man, and was thus made famous (see +Girabaldi). + +EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers +to conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the +practical theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived +before the time of the taxi. + +EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and +that pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive +hotels and eat only in high-class restaurants. Many suffer +with the gout. A popular cat foot was named in his honor. + +ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of +breakfast food. + +ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain +of the book, married the hero, and lived happily ever +afterward. + +EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as +far back as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the +shortest distance between two points is a crow's flight, and +that two parallel lines always compete. + +EVE, see Mrs. Adam. + +EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich +husband after the fashion of books. + + + +F + +FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did +not fit his religion. + +FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to +ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold. + +FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his +younger days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have +applied himself to school or business. Found fault with life +and everybody, but was never wrong himself. Unpopular. A +great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, and the poor house. +Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The other +fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. +Clubs: None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really +Tried. + +FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French +government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of +the vast collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the +world. + +FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk. + +FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron +saint of French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores +changing the cut of ladies' clothes and the shape of their +hats. Created some awful looking things. F. made the poor men +work very hard to keep up to her. Publications: Editor of all +Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, and New York City. +Epitaph: (Would that she had one.) + +FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love +during his second young manhood, traveled in a warm country, +and sang his way to fame. + +FAWES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in +Parliament without introducing home rule or suffrage bills. + +FINN, Huc, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom). + +FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub +the black spot from the ring. + +FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing. + +FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with +the men. She appeared in all large cities with the best looking +chorus that ever wore tights. F. created such a sensation that +every living actress of note is willing to be classified as a +former member of her company. Had a miserable cigar named after +her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York City. Epitaph: +There Were Not Many Like Flora. + +FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty +days for a big sale. + +FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an +unintelligent woman and one who never could understand. +Followed his natural bents, even as you and I. Wasted several +years. Wept profusely. End unknown. Recreation: Vampires. +Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One. + +FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with +brains. He discovered that lightning was composed of +electricity, that politics paid better than printing, and that +the French Court was more lively than the Continental Congress. + +FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics. + +FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but +he came around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know +of your success, pitied you in your failures, and shook you by +the hand when you were down and out. Never borrowed money, but +he frequently lent it. Was a wise counsellor. Very popular. +His name was frequently given the baby (see Mischief). +Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At the +other fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or +his own. Clubs: All. + +FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as +the only woman in the history of mankind who admitted her old +age. + +FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a +fortune for the Cunard and White Star lines. + + + +G + +GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as +the agent for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to +move. Historians claim he will again be in Who's Who when St. +Peter (see him) makes the inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs. +Recreation: Aviation. + +GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait +manufacturer. + +GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by +declaring the world revolved when everybody knew it was +stationary. Manufactured the first spy-glass, an instrument +which has since been used in theatres and for various other +purposes. Also discovered that clocks were equipped with +pendulums. + +GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when +out of office. + +GARDEN,[3] Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera +stage. Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a +child. This was expensively cultivated in Europe, was later +exposed before English and American congregations, and her +Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes packed the houses. +Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants a +husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera +houses and suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners. + +[3] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. + + + +GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea +party. He espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor), +and successfully Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every +town in his country, ran second to V. E. in the number of +statues erected to his appearance, and for three years held the +championship for eating spaghetti. + +GARRICK, an old English matinee idol. + +GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun. + +GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when +mortally wounded. + +GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in +general, and one Walpole in particular, to run England. + +GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars. + +GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign +of William Pitt, and believed in taxing tea. + +GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our +contemporary Who's Who). + +GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician. +Entered politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes. +Was a modest member of the House of Commons, seldom speaking +more than four times on any bill. Kept climbing until he +became under secretary of something, order keeper of the Board +of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent position in the +Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home rule +millstone, and hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A +dynamite-proof house, a tax on air. Recreation: (see +Asquith). Address: Front row House of Commons. Clubs: +Anti-conservative. + +GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old +inhabitants before the market was so wet. + +GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which +cuts barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to +clean. + +GIRL, The Chorus, Um! + +GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model. + +GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England, +chopped trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with +the Irish home rule. + +GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book +which everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then +re-reads it when the doors are locked. In the United States a +law has been passed compelling booksellers to include a bottle +of disinfectant whenever a G. book is sold. Ambition: A +publisher who is not afraid of the police. Recreation: +Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs: +Always blackballed. + +GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book. + +GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited +at the Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight. + +GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words +rhyme. + +GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in +one round by a lightweight. Defeat attributed to +overconfidence. Friends said nothing like that had ever entered +his head. + +GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism, +but who adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale. + +GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who +told some awful untruths to the innocent. + +GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest +writer who ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At +the age of fourteen began shaving and wearing long trousers. At +twenty-one G. was considered of age. Began writing while a +child. Penmanship so poor he took to the typewriter. Wrote Who +Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some one did. +Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.) +Recreation: Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when +financially able. Other times in one of those confounded +newspaper offices. + +GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the +government and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of +the United States accompanied by another man's wife. Learned +that this was not the usual custom in America. His managers +and hotel proprietors requested him to continue his travels. +Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people. Publications: +Much unpatriotic literature. + +GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line +of which is remembered by everybody. + +GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who +never was bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he +worked. Historians claim this was due to his poor salary. + +GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some +distance from Land's End. + +GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of +decapitation, who had such confidence in his invention that he +was the first to give it a practical demonstration. + +GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never +submitted his proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a +gullible public. Never lectured. + + + +H + +HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating +before he was abdicated. + +HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy +family. + +HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and +called it homeopathy. + +HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark. + +HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion +promiser, and a sick man. When a youth he began instructing +the monarchs of Europe in the use of a government. One of his +favorite pastimes was reading ultimatums. Fearless until a +warship entered the harbor, and even then usually got rid of it +with promises. Employed massacres to break the monotony of +reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk +cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be +ostlerized (see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and +salary, and locked him up in a palace. Then the wise ones lost +Tripoli and about everything but sleeping room in Europe. +Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on the job. +Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem. +Epitaph: Everybody Worked But Father. + +HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also +founded the foolish questions. + +HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high +prices, and buildings upon certain communities. + +HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote +a few other airs. + +HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.) + +HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American +university near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., +where football players and the sons of American millionaires +eke out an education. + +HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his +patients had blood which circulated. The discovery has since +been of some profit to his successors. + +HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his +name. Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other +varieties to the world. + +HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches +(also see Napoleon). + +HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, +and exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It +is said the poem has been parodized. + +HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty +or death. From all that can be ascertained he secured the +latter. + +HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic +games and laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which +are even questioned by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed +about everybody, erected two pillars, stole some apples, and, +in short, did everything but enter politics or invent a +breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. Recreation: +Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs: +Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen. + +HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to +death simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a +great American poet used bad taste in writing the biography of +such a man. + +HICHENS,[4] Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah. +Experimented with belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and +multitudes of readers hope he will remain there for some time +to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: Filling his fountain +pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the Publisher. +Home: Sicily. + +[4] Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day, +and is compelled to make the biography flattering. + + + +HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a +celebrated rain storm. + +HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and +went to Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was +heard by great crowds. Produced statistics to show how few +saloons failed after a lecture. + +HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured +inexpensive literature and theatres. This fired his mind to +eliminate Scotland Yard as a crime-detecting agency. Entered +the profession of a detective, but was unknown until Doctor +Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was then made. All +the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he only +told what he knew about society--! H. solved the most +complicated mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle, +and was only baffled in locating the murderer of Cock Robin. +His name struck terror into the hearts of criminals and +competing publishers. After all the criminals in England had +been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the great +H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in +time to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the +suffragette case. Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation: +Fond of Doyle's works and the violin. Address: 31 Baker +Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: Au Revoir, +But. + +HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began +career as a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for +incompetence, and took up honest writing. Found a publisher +who thought his writings would sell to posterity. Later H. +took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war correspondent for +the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. Ambition: +Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and +school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth +Estate. + +HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a +wolf which had previously partaken of a relative. + +HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the +rich and gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for +stories. + +HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for +Harvey's discovery. + +HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near +relation of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and +gave her name to the world. She was the first woman to +manufacture ideals, and has been made the patron saint of the +suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went about making life +worth while. She was loved by all those millions of lovers and +all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do +things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success. +Address: Perhaps she has resided in your home. + +HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who +sang and drank of the Falernian wine. + +HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the +Tiber without getting stuck in the mud. + +HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever +lived. Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his +picture and ran long articles about his life, family, +eccentricities, etc. Won fame in war, science, pulpit, +aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, finance, by +saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were +infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful +women. Made addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He +was the man everyone wanted to shake by the hand so they could +tell other people they had done it. Ambition: Another hour. +Recreation: Basking. Address: All countries. Clubs: All +open. + +HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ +extra telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He +also was responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation." + +HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large +cities, showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the +villain, packed up, and moved to the next town. + +HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened +newspapers. Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only +controlling a few newspapers. He soon purchased others. His +magical touch changed their color. Employed the greatest staff +of imaginary geniuses ever gathered together. These men had the +ability to write unhampered by mere details or facts. H. also +employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. Fortified +by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and +newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. +Was always Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan. +Recreation: Reading yellow journals. Address: All large +American cities. Epitaph: The Vote Is Mightier Than The Pen. + +HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.) + + + +I + +IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words +to rhyme at the ends of the lines. + +ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first +tumble. Selected water as the spot for his fall, and was not +picked up with the debris. Ambition: A Wright machine. +Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece. Clubs: Aero. + +IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life +except that he built a celebrated fort to protect the poor +Cossacks from the molestations of the populace. Was probably +blown up or died in prison. + +INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within +the reach of authors and artists. Historians claim he would +have made another fortune had he lived when the sun-dial trust +had its own way. + +INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not +believe in anything, and made a fortune by telling people what +he believed. + +INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome. + +IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited +Westminster Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few +biographies. + +ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.[5] Spent his +childhood like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca, +claimed by historians to have been a Jewess. Had two famous +sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but especially the latter). Died +at the tender age of 180 years. + +[5] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity +He did his best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed. + + + +ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her +clothes until the Moors were driven from the country. Her +husband, the king, raised an army and accomplished the feat. +I.'s name is sometimes connected with the discovery of America. +This, however, is an error, as Columbus took a more active +part. + +ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing. + +ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his +father's estate. Traveled extensively in the desert with his +mother. + + + +J + +JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water +carrier. Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in +the valley. (See Jill.) + +JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother +of Esau. Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character +impersonator, but never went on the stage. Left home suddenly. +Slept on a stone and had hard dreams. Later married, and was +responsible for Joseph and his brethren. (See Joe.) + +JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm. + +JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and +appeared in paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, +the author, and the publisher. + +JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be +elected king of England. + +JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage. + +JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark. + +JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory. + +JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his +gloves and bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.) + +JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own +medicine. + +JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the +face of the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of +such men as Eugene Sue and Lew Wallace. + +JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the +accident occurred. + +JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like +all rich men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and +entered the market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the +real estate market. The market tumbled and so did J. Family +troubles also distressed him. His camels died of the colic or +were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard luck he patronized +the temple, and believed while there was money it could be had. +Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, and +ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the +New York Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation: +Sackcloth and ashes. + +JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion +prize-fighter of the world, who learned that too much chicken, +automobile, and champagne made even a colored gentleman a +"waser." + +JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the +greatest press agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made +famous. Also wrote. + +JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for +taking a rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he +was the jonah. Swam until he was tired, and finally made a +morsel for a fish. Tradition has it that J. was tough and +indigestible. He remained three days and three nights in the +interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable +annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam +ashore, and thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and +the illness of his rescuer. His story was published. Still +causes some comment. Tradition also says that J. never could +look a fish in the face after the harrowing incident. +Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. Address: +Sodom. Clubs: Alpine. + +JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor. + +JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture +post-card. + +JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and +was only prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of +the place. + +JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a +young man he became his father's favorite, while his brethren +had to do the heavy work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the +ire of his brethren, resulting in Joe being sold as a slave, +and in the coat being sent to the cleaners. J. journeyed to +Egypt, where he refused to elope with the Pharaohess. Her +husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in prison, and +afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A famine +occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in +provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe, +who thanked them for the good luck they had thrust upon him. + +JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who +carried a heart which was broken by the ambitions of a man. + +JUDAS, suicide. + +JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her +first name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of +her husband, although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on +the puppet stage for a few hundred years, displaying her +domestic infelicity. + +JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make +love on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, +and had a splendid sale. (See Romeo.) + +JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and +a regular Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: +Killing giants, disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: +Olympia. + +JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been +frequently erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States +J. carried scales with a small statue of politics in one pan, +and money in the other. Her statues in other countries are said +to be different, although occasionally the little statues are +found in the pans. + + + +K + +KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; +a German of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, +considerable comment in England, and much applause in his own +country. Was also a naval constructor. Born of royal parents. +Inherited his father's position. At a tender age he formed a +passion for an army. Like all royal children, he had his own +way. His plaything has grown steadily, is in fine condition, +but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. His later +years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for what +purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also +honored by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his +exhibition through Europe. It is said he could not learn +anything from his adviser. Heir: The crown prince. Ambition: +His army applied to the socialists. Recreation: Army. +Address: Army. Clubs: Army. + +KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely +on account of the invention which prevented men from going home +to a scolding without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared +his cure was as good as gold. Was strongly opposed by John +Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New York, London, +or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians are +endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached. +Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from +business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U. + +KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and +heartfelt commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More +grapes. Recreation: A flask, books, and a Persian "thou." +Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What He Preached. + +KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure +which several people have been sure they could locate. Was said +to have been one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship. + +KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and +accomplishments. + +KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted. + +KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the +kirk into Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate. + +KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made +England scrub up. + +KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell +concert. + + + +L + +LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. +He was such an attentive listener and heard so much that the +leading cemetery in Paris was named in his honor. + +LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of +tears to place smiles on paper. + +LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable +talent. Ambition: Those old time lovers. + +LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. +Together with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered +with a bad attack. Address: Vatican, Rome. + +LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had +a brow like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in +Scotland to whom Burns did not write a few poems. L. was +engaged to be married; no record of the ceremony can be found. + +LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to +become a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on +Irish questions. Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except +in the south of Ireland. Address: Parliament. This will +probably hold good for several editions of Who Was Who. Clubs: +Conservative, of course. + +LAW,[6] Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused +ancient whose life and story has been written by malicious +biographers. In reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to +dinner, permitted the gas to be turned down, and always knocked +before she came into the room. Later she wiped the dishes, +took care of her grandchild (see Baby), helped pay the bills, +and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she had. +Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our +house most of the time. Clubs: Suffrage. + +[6] Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the +accuracy of the above. + + + +LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler. + +LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also +Jupiter, Castor, and Pollux. + +LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal +saucerers to the king. + +LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her +debut. Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. +Ambition: To find another widow. + +LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her +with a good song. + +LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead +long enough for historians to make him famous. Ambition: +Song, women, and wine. Recreation: Wine, women, and song. +Address: Several in Brussels. Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab +Illo. + +LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes +Italy and Poland to the United States. + +LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising +cheese. + +LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with +Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter +politics or the police force. Ambition: That cup. + +LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, +and played the piano. + +LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects +for the sale of this book. + +LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides +herself when the tourist goes down the Rhine. + +LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband. + +LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which +became practical. She also was considered one of the salt of +the earth. + +LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's +into France. Put the "is" in Paris. + +LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron +of cafe's. + +LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. +Continued the works of his predecessors. + +LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work +of his predecessors. + +LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe. + +LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. +Started pre-tango dancing. + +LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French +menu. + +LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and +dressmakers into Paris. + +LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. +Fought the Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought +7,000,000 francs worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work +in the Crusades. Not a patron of his ancestors. Very +unpopular in Paris. + +LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. +Very popular. + +LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear +of the discovery of the United States. + +LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were +discovered. + +LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for +him. Was a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general. + +LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, +salon decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted +Paris in acquiring her reputation. Built Versailles, the +Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He was the man who captured +Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon III.) Motto: I am +the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles. +Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. +Address: Versailles. + +LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns +of Queens Pompadour and Du-Barry. + +LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of +his ancestors, but--. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the +turkey trot and the salome dance at Versailles. While his +subjects were starving he ate pate de foies gras. They objected +and carried his White Wigginess to Paris, where he ended his +reign. Ambition: To have been any one of his ancestors, even +No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. Address: +Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head +Which Wore A Crown. + +LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long +enough to have the good times of his ancestors, and the only +Louis for whom the world has a word of sympathy. + +LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who +got back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and +Napoleon had subsided. + +LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, +lunatic, and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young +manhood he met Her. From that moment all other hers he had +known became lemons. L. was an expert prevaricator. Polished +shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, and never ate onions. +Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas or electric lights. +Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled occasionally. +Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. Walked +on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends who +wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked +wonderfully beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep +quiet. Her blushed, permitted him to sit closer, and then told +L. he was the dearest, sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, +bravest lovey in the wide, wide world. Later L. secured an +embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry store. Diet: +Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs: +None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go. + +LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition. + + + +M + +McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver. + +McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization, +frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the +world's championship. + +MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist. + +MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a +rainy day. + +MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights. + +MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a +child. Only calls after supper. Tells the little one he has +played enough for the day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. +When M. departs the little bundle is asleep in the nursery or +all cuddled up in Mother's lap. Ambition: Sand for the older +folks. + +MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced +Parisian life into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise +young man. Overlooked the fact that a king may rule a nation, +but frequently is a poor press agent. Became incensed at his +army and subjects. Moved in haste. Ambition: Lisbon and a +dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. Address: Watch +bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And His +Kingdom Are Soon Parted. + +MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could +rule a city, but not a woman. + +MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women +to gaze in mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day. + +MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph +poles and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it +possible for New York stock brokers to continue their business +while journeying to Paris. + +MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by +making a voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently +been duplicated on liners out of the regular tourist season. + +MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and +the tourist who dwelt within his canals. + +MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which +tastes too good. + +MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom +was seen without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her +one day, thus causing considerable mirth among the pupils. Was +severely reprimanded by the teacher, as it was against the +regulations of the institution to permit animals, other than +the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the lamb to the +stable. Her biography has been extensively published. + +MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" +about himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. +Recreation: Bluebird raising. + +MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, +who introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a +young man he discovered that the tourists were not paying +enough money to see the sights. With the assistance of some +handsomely gowned women he opened a cafe on the Rue Royal where +they could. For years it was patronized by his countrymen +until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists were +permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French +cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, +hear champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. +Ambition: Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press +Agent: The Merry Widow and the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph: +Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense. + +MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things +to kill people, and not to financially ruin them. + +MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered +by those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for +Methodists or Presbyterians. + +MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an +acute stage. + +MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the +bottle. + +MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man +goes to his fate. + +MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion +perquisite. Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His +picture has been widely distributed, but never admired. + +MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet +and feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model. +Ambition: A telegraph. Recreation: Same as the gods. +Address: General delivery. + +METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand. + +MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was +instantly made the patron saint of France. + +MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat). + +MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known +by everybody and the contents by few. + +MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to +bring the price of champagne to within the reach of +millionaires. + +MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced +mormonism into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured +crescents, religion, and made Mecca the mecca for everything. +Early life spent in business. This did not pay. He then +married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a hobby. +Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his +kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were +given the alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid +damascus blade or Islam. They always became fervently +religious. Later M. embarked on a marrying campaign with equal +success. Publications: The Koran, a treatise on everything. +Ambition: The crescent on every flag. Recreation: Walking +toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 Blvd. Allah, +Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him. + +MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we +do not have to see alone. + +MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of +which nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the +test. + +MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents +in other lines had Marconi lived before his time. + +MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all +generations. Born in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics +as the son of Pharaoh's daughter and the leader of the Ghetto. +When M. waxed astute, after the manner of his people, he +discovered there were not sufficient shekels for himself and +countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued the +king for permission to close the pawn shops and clothing +stores. Now in those days the children of Egypt were wont to +patronize the bazaars of the children of the Chosen, and +Pharaoh was wroth within himself and refused the passports. The +brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and took ship's +leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches to +the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and +his army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this +time the journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this +was due to good business or sore feet history does not relate. +M. later climbed a mountain and received the ten commandments. +After breaking them he returned to camp. He died before the +journey was complete. Publications: Histories. Ambition: A +railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: Tennis and +camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish +Legation. + +MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who +came around when you hit your finger with the hammer. + +MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to +New York City. + +MUMM,[7] the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. +The products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons +who cannot afford them. They form one of the principal +ingredients of a good time (see Paris). + +[7] Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the +above stated facts. + + + +MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his +books, lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned +by scientific men, he is held in high regard due to his failure +to claim the discovery of the north pole. + +MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the +theory that while there was life there was a chance to sell +some of his medicine. + +MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City. + + + +N + +NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl +on his forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good +luck. Started life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all +great men, he was the dunce at school. Later he used his +masters and prize-winning chums as first-row soldiers. Entered +the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. Frequently amused +himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing a city or +an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young +man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. +Then he went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble +with one Nelson of England. N. became unpopular with his +neighbors. They all attacked him. He attacked them all. That +settled it. He ate wars. After the powers were powerless N. +scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He devoured +Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too +cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became +rich and divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into +France and carried a third term. Started things. Began +quarreling again. At last he was cooped up in Paris, and flew +the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited France. Started +things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he was met +by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced +him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England +presented N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and +paid all his living expenses for six years. Later N. became +responsible for one of the sights of Paris. Always carried his +right hand in the front of his coat. Ambition: A French +Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking along the +shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph: +I Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine +Among The Few French People I Did Not Take To War. + +NAPOLEON II. Absent. + +NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. +Ambition: Rough on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. +Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris when the Dutchmen would +permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But No Bonaparte. + +NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined +away into a flower and a tiresome song. + +NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette +who believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be +sober all the time. + +NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to +spell. + +NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, +wireless, and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to +New York. Recreation: Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: +Yacht. + +NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought +nothing burned like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire +departments a necessity in the Eternal City. Ambition: A good +show in the Colosseum. Recreation: Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus +Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow. + +NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her +husband. + +NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the +theory that it is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to +fall than to climb after it. + +NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. +Will stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls +who never fails to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand +when you want to do something you know you should not do. Was +driven from home when a young man. Set up competition and +succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in +existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable +opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great +people who ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much +worry to mothers and wives, but seldom troubled the men. +Publications: French literature; some fine books and pictures. +Occupation: Looking for idle hands. Ambition: You. +Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's, +champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address: +Paris. N. also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum. + +NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who +succeeded without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or +a license. + +NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had +considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity. +When a young man he shunned the ways of young men, and never +sat in the seat of the scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the +Clyde and designed the largest floating stable on record. Made +quite a reputation as an animal collector. Took to the sea +when well advanced in years. N. was the first man to descend +Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension. Publications: +The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger +crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor. +Clubs: Yacht. Epitaph: De Profundis. + +NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor +union weapon. His invention also made possible the premature +discharge of dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes. + + + +O + +O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born +in Dublin, raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed +in Dublin. Dublined in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition +connects his name with the early stages of the home rule bill. +Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. Recreation: Oratory. +Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: Green. + +O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still +bragged about. + +ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made +it a crime to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth +of March. (See St. Patrick.) + +ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. +Practised in obscurity, and later appeared before large +audiences. Made several successful concert tours. Married +Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. The bride did not wear +shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. O. descended +to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian +ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise +to get out of the place without looking around to see what +other respectable people were there. O. started for the door. +He heard familiar voices and rubbered. That ended the +contract, and for all the editor has been able to ascertain +Eurydice is there to this day. + +OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that +all fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men +who got that story into print. Recreation: Medicine. +Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He Practised, But Not What He +Preached. + +OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell +in love with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were +married. Mrs. Othello lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs +and was killed by her enraged husband. Shakespeare, of +England, a writer, heard of the incident and made some money +out of it. + + + +P + +PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who +wore long red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, +and broke pianos. + +PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven +perch by Poe. + +PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. +Born half a man and half a goat. Took after the latter. +Studied music under the old masters and outfluted Apollo. Was +also a sheep fancier. Fathered fife and drum corps. Ambition: +A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. Recreation: Hunting and +falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: Musical. + +PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, +believed in fairies, and crowded houses in England and the +United States. + +PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a +government, starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, +and made speeches for a living. Girlhood spent in developing +muscle, pluck, and theories. She appeared before the public and +declared that the liquor traffic would be terminated when women +voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the men would not +give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry, +although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. +"Votes for Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the +"next." Publications: From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows +I have Smashed. Address: London. Care Scotland Yard. + +PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break +things. + +PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss. + +PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's +wife named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him +honor. + +PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries +and Ulster. Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully +explode dynamite in Parliament without being executed. +Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, a Conservativeless England. +Address: Close to the English ministry. Epitaph: The Bills +Men Introduced Live After Them. + +PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an +opera stage. + +PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until +he came to the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A +subway station in Paris has been named after him. + +PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of +Ireland with the exception of those in bottles. Also +introduced the brogue and the shamrock into the Emerald Isle. + +PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the +United States. There he took up the hod-carrying business. +Went on the stage and set the world laughing. He also entered +politics, captured the American police force, and, together +with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great Britain and the +United States. + +PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. +Epitaph: Cum Grano Salis. + +PEAR,[8] the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps +the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is +international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy. + +[8] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does +not use soap. + + + +PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the +north pole and convinced a few people. Was also forced to +write a book and lecture. Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost +Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a certain man had not made +him get all the way there the last time. Grave: The Cook +incident. + +PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats +boxes. An Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, +built the slow, old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the +American Liberty Bell. + +PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. +Secured his reputation through brains, a voice, and a +well-oiled political machine. Started the golden age of Greece +with a loud blast of the horn of plenty. + +PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of +chocolate making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it +into America. Ambition: More children and people with sweet +teeth. + +PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent +bookkeeper, and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has +taken his name. Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling +hinges. Address: Golden gates. + +PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also +the father of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, +cigarette factories, and made a handsome mummy. + +PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his +suit, endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit +and the armada were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an +old maid. Ambition: To the Inquisition with all Englishmen. +Motto: Faint heart never won fair lady. Address: Spain. + +PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have +saved your hair. + +PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out +of advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who +believed what they read. + +PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held +accounts against many people. Caused considerable worry to his +creditors. + +PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers +more careful of what they said. His invention has secured +wealthy husbands for many a pretty and poor stenographer. + +PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat. + +PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. +Also the manufacturer of a morning beverage. + +PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you +wanted to wear your new hat or go to a ball game. + +POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and +cold chills. + +POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity +to get out of this book. + +POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.) + +POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer. +Began expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and +the Orient. Returned to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors. +He is supposed, however, to have visited the countries, as he +produced a pair of chop sticks, a Chinese laundry, and some +Japanese lanterns. These were accepted as proofs by the +University of Venice. Ambition: The north pole. + +POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have +been a peach. Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make +the dances at Versailles a success. Ambition: Plenty of hair. +Recreation: Versailles. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti. + +POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and +invented soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along. + +PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the +doctrine of To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never +convicted. Ancient records state he invariably had an excuse +for present inactivity, but would promise results the following +day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put off everything except +Death, and even did his best to keep him away as long as +possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To +accomplish to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day. +Recreation: Always before business. Address: Nobody knows. +Clubs: Many. + +PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey +encumbered with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some +hairbreadth escapes, was stuck in the mud, but finally returned +and became respectable like all other Englishmen. + +PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician +who did not starve, and who gave the classical name "La +Faniculla del West" to the plain "girl of the golden west." + +PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel. +P. also is responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by +porters. + +PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children, +even if he did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life. +Traveled in several European countries and spoke all the +best-selling languages. His name has been given to a serious +London publication. + +PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after +they were dead. + + + +Q[9] + +[9] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have +been famous. + + + +QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything +when he came around. + +QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some +desperate conquests for his lady-love, and was defeated by a +windmill. In all his defeats, however, he showed to the world +that a laugh cuts deeper than a sword, and that satire would +kill where a lance could not penetrate. The word quixotic is +used to his commemoration. + + + +R[10] + +[10] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the +R's who have been famous. + + + +RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands +with Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of +the pipe into England and the plug into Ireland. + +RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial +mountains, statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be +named after him. + +RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made +it worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some +expensive paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his +studio. Ambition: Churches with larger walls. Recreation: +Painting, art, and canvas weaving. Address: All galleries. + +RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the +newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would +get plenty to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see +somebody, and that you would have to wear your Sunday clothes. +Her R. S. V. P.'s were always accepted. R. finally lost her +money, and with it her friends. Ambition: The man of the +hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It. + +REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old +ladies and Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon +himself by filling a museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing +paintings. + +REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many +pretty stenographers[11] sit. + +[11] Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the +machine. + + + +REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre +like Who Was Who should be used for ballast. + +RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased +South Africa. + +RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by +a stone. He rusted to death. + +RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis +XIII, and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham. + +RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to +stop, but cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. +Recreation: Visiting his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. +Clubs: Does not need any. + +ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of +doing to his enemies what most politicians would like to do to +theirs. Was finally voted out and down. + +ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction +simply because some people were sufficiently clever to do +things before his name could be pronounced. + +ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his +camel through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building +churches and colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all +millionaires, he was born penniless. R. worked hard, helped +the missions out of his $3 a week, married, and purchased some +oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in a trust. Then he +began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of business. +As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could +make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the +latter portion of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and +doubling his fortune by the dissolution of his business. +Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less competition. Also +another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, the +coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of +competition. Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., +when he can spare the time from his legal and congressional +investigations. + +ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have +the fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other +young men how fortunate they were in being born poor and all +about the fungus which grows on the root of all evil. Never +knew what a good time he could have with his Dad's coin in +Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: Sunday +school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old +ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A. + +RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European +and American galleries with statues at a price which would have +made Mike Angelo a billionaire. + +ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter +who gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English +Channel. Later hit a snag in the Orient. + +ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true +love ended in a cemetery. + +ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home +life and in building Rome. + +ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent, +The Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, +interview giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, +dee-lighted, "MYSELF," mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver, +band-wagon, Panama canal, rough rider, circus leader, circus, +down-with-rafter, and a former retired and retiring president +of the United States. When a young man he spent his father's +money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large +family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of +rough riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the +newspapers. Made up his mind he would stay there. R. became +governor of New York State with ambitions. Being a wealthy +man, and capable of contributing to the cause of the Republican +party, he was elected vice-president of the United States. A +hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper +career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in +the White House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country +what a great president he was. The voters believed him, and +did not object to four years more. During this administration +R. successfully advertised himself, the family, started the +Panama Canal, and appointed one William Howard Taft (see Poor +Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through Africa with a +magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men. +After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and +told the king how to king and the emperors how to emp. +Returning to the United States he placed his hand in state +politics. Fingers were badly burned. When it came time to +elect another president, R. was tired of scene shifting and +yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up his +loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international +Harvester Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a +second Moses who was destined to lead the children of America +out of the Land of the Frying Pan into that of the Fire. With +a mighty army of politicians, who also wanted to get back, R. +started his campaign with such a huge band he could not hear +any others. The fight was based on telling the voters how +easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had +told them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by +the greatest majority in history until the ballots were +hatched. Later he joined the ranks of William Jennings Bryan. +Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: To get back into Who's +Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster Bay for +newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same +as Bryan's. + +ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as +much money. + +ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will +always escape the police. + +RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently +changed, and therefore painted fat people without their +clothes. + +RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes +caused pain after a visit. + +RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with +modern subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was +spent in a steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. +He was crowned in a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched +clergyman, only the crown, the crowner, and the crowned being +present to witness the ceremony. Seldom goes about the +country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his subjects. +In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing. +Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing +death warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by +the servants. Send letters care St. Petersburg police +department. Clubs: Army. Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not +Have This Long Ago. + + + +S + +SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera +houses in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous +women. She is still in Who's Who, and probably will remain +there until arrested. + +SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces +and spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. +Godfathered by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: +School of experience at Washington. S. was assisted in early +life by a number of men who took an interest in him. When +thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later +became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization +business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered +from a severe attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated +slowly. Later entered the trust-raising business, and devoted +considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a European +power, but had to take care of the children after the incident. +S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former, +although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long +hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, +had bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank +notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address: +Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he +deserves it.) + +SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a +young man he rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain +and lift a fat lady. Entered the army. Was successful until +he became bald. Committed suicide by pushing a temple on +himself. + +SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin +collector. One of those individuals whom nature has endowed +with a magnificent body, and sufficient brains to make money +with it. + +SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had +enough money and sense to quit before people remarked how +natural he looked. + +SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in +closing the cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular +with the masses until election day. When the opposition +returned they made it hot for him. + +SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from +obscurity by Mark Twain, and became a good salesman. + +SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful +in advertising himself and his town. In England he is +Schwepps. + +SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French +Republic and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips +with his wife and children. Clubs: Mother's. + +SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been +beautiful, who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose +less attractive sister got the better of her. + +SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting +the national characteristics. His critics claim this was the +reason he failed in business. Wrote some books which are read +by students and persons possessing much time. + +SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran +second to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited +in European galleries. + +SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer. + +SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who +introduced the marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain. + +SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the +ignominy of reaching the desired point by the shortness of +rations, but he was near enough to become a profitable author +and lecturer. + +SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at +Stratford-on-Avon. When a young man he amused himself by +poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, and being the village +pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to London, a +city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said +to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His +fame later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s +birthplace is now one of the tourist sights of the world. More +post-cards are sent from this town than from any of its size in +Europe. The church where he lies buried has an immense +floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon +for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in +Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The +World. Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.) + +SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of +clean heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen +into disrepute in that country, but is sometimes practiced in +other lands. + +SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who +made money by being honest enough to tell people what they +knew. S.'s enemies claim he would have to work should his +theories be put into practice. Believes in socialism and wants +everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, and divided +opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England. +Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards. + +SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains +against the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost. + +SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark. + +SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and +giving a terse definition of war. + +SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person +feels wealthy while at the table and poor afterward. + +SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers +whose family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better +job for her husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have +time for any, and thus could not be a suffragette. + +SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the +diplomatic game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent +home. Occupation: Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country +without diplomats. Address: Home. + +SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory. + +SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the +exception of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair +grounds. The man operated his business on a cash basis. Simon +was broke and no sale was consummated. + +SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff. + +SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out +salvation for the bald and envy to women. + +SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the +first lobster. + +SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the +world. + +SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed +suicide. + +SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old +Mormon who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. +When a child he developed a Boston brain. This grew as the +years advanced. At a tender age he began acquiring +mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his acumen. +S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city +and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular +songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one +more wife and an end to those quarrels in the harem. +Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also was fond of the +phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here +Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All. + +SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of +wealthy parents. Became tired of home and desired to travel. +Visited foreign lands and had a jolly good time. His letter of +credit expired. Friends were never at home after the event. +S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked home. Father +was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with +his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of +life. Address: Home. + +SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot +pigeons between march compositions. + +SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race +degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only +the survivors are the fittest. + +SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great +Britain and the United States, who believed that noble man was +incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, +inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious incumbency. She +was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. Early +days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s +first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a +speech maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see +her name in print led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent +tactics. She died fighting. Ambition: To offset her husband's +vote on election day. Recreation: Parading, windows, bombs, +letter boxes, English ministries, and a string of etcs. +Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and +Hope.) + +SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. +Belongs to the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious +objection to use of her head, except for decorative purposes. +Was not averse to press notices and looked with envy on the +achievements of the suffragettes in this direction. Being +denied high office in their ranks because of lack of adequate +cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were +not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all +women, except herself, belong at home with their husbands and +children. Where they belong in the absence of these, deponent +sayeth not. Ambition: Continued parasitic existence. +Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on behind. +Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! +The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It." + +SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the +governor of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of +retiring from office in order that he might be considered a +progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins will get you out. +Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers. +Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You +Will, But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still. + + + +T + +TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, +president of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the +Constitution, the Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The +love he bore the latter resulted in his election. The two +brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and let +Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and +another ran away with the election. Principal events during +T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, +Standard Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: +Golf, messages to Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: +How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless +Predecessor. + +TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper. + +TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the +front row did. + +TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on +a charging brigade. + +TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the +footlights might always shine upon and upon whom the curtain +would never descend. + +THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the +rich son of a wealthy father. Became interested in the stage +at an early age, but only got as far as the chorus. Later +performed on a New York roof garden. Alienists say he was the +sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who ever lived. +Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada +and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: +Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper. + +THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a +marathon. + +THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he +thought of the country by offering to exchange it for any kind +of a horse. + +THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his +misfortunes and the curiosity of the world. + +TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job. + +TIFFANY,[12] of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced +high prices into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by +fiance's and millionaires. Has gained considerable fame, as +his products will pawn on a good margin. Ambition: A man in +love. + +[12] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is +not an actress. + + + +TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to +everybody. Very unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and +sorrow healer, but unkind to the old. He went about the world +changing babies into men and women, and placing gray hair and +wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of tears. +Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem. + +TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. +P. Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing +out brushes. Recreation: He never had any. + +TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been +popular with the men. They are exhibited in all European +galleries, and cause consternation among clergymen and school +teachers. T. certainly could paint. Ambition: Models. +Recreation: Models. + +TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark. + +TOM. (See Richard and Harry.) + +TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, +town, village, and hamlet in the United States north of the +Confederate States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. +Stowe, and was the match which kindled the Civil War. The +Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not Uncle +Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in +1861. + +TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, +bought post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode +in carriages, and then told their friends all about the trip. +Ambition: Just one look at everything. Address: Principally +Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, They Vanished. + +TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and +caused the longest siege in history to make her elope back +again. + +TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on +canvas. + +TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made +after-dinner speeches, received university degrees, and made +people laugh. + +TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers. + +TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to +be divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many +theatrical mangers. + + + +U + +UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from +starving to death by filling his house in Florence with their +canvases. Since the Morgan art raid the market price has +advanced and U.'s investment has become profitable. + +ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at +the siege of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured +Helen. Escaped from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking +a burning telegraph pole in his eye. Later performed his +greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away from home so +much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however, +recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn. +Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: +Ithaca. + +UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from +Alabama who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, +race. He had something to do with the high cost of tariffing. + +UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art +galleries. + + + +V + +VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the +camera, he was appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a +portrait of Philip IV in every gallery in the world. Art +textbooks think a great deal of V. + +VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few +railroads, much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a +weakness for Newport and newspapers. + +VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded +England with portraits and his tonsorial achievement. + +VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes. + +VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her +statue, and had to die after everybody fell in love with her. +Was born and painted at sea. Married at an early age. Was a +regular heart breaker. V. had an affair with one Adonis, and +later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her old-ladyhood, as +she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years. +Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: +Love. Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, +Florence. Clubs: She was too good looking to be a +suffragette. + +VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and +contributor to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific +as Reubens, and two or three of his paintings compare favorably +with the naughty Titian. + +VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the +tourists. + +VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the +scene after the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in +such a clever manner he succeeded in cheating the discoverer +out of naming the place. (See Columbus.) + +VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the +talking machine. + +VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. +His reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her +absence. Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. +Recreation: Looking for purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished +His Last Supper. + +VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the +AEneid. + +VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the +forum for protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests +and played with her thumbs. + +VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include +the turkey trot. + +VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his +mouth. + +VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated +forgings. Had a career like the ancients and fell in love with +Venus. + + + + W + +WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went +into the opera business, but died before the good singers or +Hammerstein prices appeared. + +WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite +bar until you appeared. + +WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish +stories. + +WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days +chopping trees, holding conversations with his father, killing +Indians, and being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling +Englishmen from the United States, said farewell to his troops, +and became a politician. W. decided he was not good enough for +a third term and retired. His picture has been widely +distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle +Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. +Clubs: Anti-Ananias. + +WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A +big black man who went about the country raising money to put +brains into ivory. He also told his audience how unfortunate +they were in not being coons. (See Uncle Tom.) + +WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes. + +WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress +before the invention of investigating committees. He died +famous. + +WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and +language itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a +glowing tribute by saying he was a great writer, but his +stories were too short. + +WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French +general to say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that +many a good soldier makes a poor politician. + +WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce +the size of dreadnaughts. + +WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence +walker. + +WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in +Paris, made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally +died. Death was caused by overexertion. Before the war she +was engaged to a Balkan prince. W. visited New York, London, +and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her and whistled her +praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition: +Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When +Will There Be Another Like Her? + +WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages. + +WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business. + +WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark +Twain. No relation to the following. + +WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, +educational institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to +be governor, made a few cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt +to Bryan, changed his address to Washington. Took out a +watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but whether he +will remain in that publication or this one cannot be +determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep +Roosevelt and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, +other brain exercises, thinking, Congress. Address: +Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican. + +WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the +baby's little tummie. + +WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of +the Royal Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of +the children and many grown ups. She always will remain a +Who's Whoess. + +WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his +profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally +written up by Shakespeare. + +WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who +knows the inside of the business, and believes one life on the +ground is worth two in the air. + + + +X[13] + +[13] Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for +the X's. + + + +XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his +country. He died young. + +XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone. + + + +Y + +YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. +Football, pipe, and bulldog fancier. + +YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an +emaciated condition. + +YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the +United States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he +became a strong anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. +Utah increased in population and was admitted as a state. +After building a great temple, dedicated to Hymen, he died, +leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: See +Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: +Utah. Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son. + + + +Z + +ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen +was more profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised +Utopia. Recreation: Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. +Clubs: A. O. H. + +ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the +greatest book ever written. + +ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an +aeronaut who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. +Ambition: The elevation of the German army. Recreation: +Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: Air. Clubs: Aero. + +ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm +countries. +He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their +kind attention. + + + + + +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date + diff --git a/old/wwasw10.zip b/old/wwasw10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa76929 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/wwasw10.zip |