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To Date, by Anonymous + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Anonymous + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date + Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be + +Author: Anonymous + +Editor: Irwin L. Gordon + +Release Date: August 10, 2008 [EBook #984] +Last Updated: January 15, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHO WAS WHO: 5000 B. C. TO DATE *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + WHO WAS WHO<br />5000 B. C. TO DATE + </h1> + <h2> + Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Edited by Irwin L. Gordon + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> NOTE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> ABBREVIATIONS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> OBITUARY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> BIOGRAPHIES </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> A </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0006"> B </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> + C </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> D </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> E </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0010"> F </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> + G </a> <br /> <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> H </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> I </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0014"> J </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> + K </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> L </a> + <a href="#linkm"> M </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> N + </a> <br /> <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> O </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> P </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0020"> Q </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> + R </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> S </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> T </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0024"> U </a> <br /> <br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0025"> V </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> + W </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> X </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Y </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0029"> Z </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + NOTE + </h2> + <p> + THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons who can + produce proper evidence of their demise will be admitted to Who Was Who. + Press Agent notices or complimentary comments are absolutely excluded, and + those offering to pay for the insertion of names will be prosecuted. As + persons become eligible they will be included without solicitation, while + the pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant. + </p> + <p> + Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or endeavored + to become famous. In a work of such magnitude errors occasionally occur. + Should this be the case, the editor will be glad to receive corrections + from the ex-celebrities or their enemies. These will be accepted gratis. + Proofs will be sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be able + to order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting to the + publisher. + </p> + <p> + The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United States and + Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be fought. + </p> + <p> + The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have furnished + material for this book. He also trusts they will show their good feeling + by purchasing a copy, and that all the unfortunates will speedily be + returned to Who's Who. + </p> + <p> + THE EDITOR. <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ABBREVIATIONS + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A1.......... Can open charge account. + A. B........ Four years hard sentence. + A. M........ When we get up. + Cit......... Common people. + C. O. D..... No credit. + Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and + investigation purposes. + D. D........ Be careful of your jokes. + Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile. + D. H........ Pull. + D. T........ Delirium tremens. + Ets......... The rest of us. + F. R. A..... Brains. + F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home. + G. O. P..... Hic jacet. + Hon......... Speaker of the occasion. + H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid + gloves. + I........... Roosevelt. + Incog....... Prominent men in Paris. + IOU......... Hard luck. + Ire......... Mother of politicians. + LL. D....... American millionaires. + M. P........ Home rule debaters. + Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate. + P. M........ When we go to bed. + R. A........ Any kind of a painter but a cubist. + Rep......... See G. O. P. + R. I. P..... See following pages. + Sir......... Writers and tea merchants. + U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OBITUARY + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A. + Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress. + Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust. + Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City. + Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark. + Dewey, George E., of U. S. N. + Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico. + Din, Gunga, of Kipling. + Dreyfus, Captain, of France. + Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic. + Gorky, Maxime, of Russia. + Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco. + Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey. + Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London. + Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle. + Huerta, V., General of Mexico. + Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London. + Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A. + Lloyd-George, David, of England. + Manuel, King, of Portugal. + Pankhurst, Mrs., of England. + Patti, Adelina, of Wales. + Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr. + Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia. + Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook." + Shackelton, Earnest, of England. + Shuster, Morgan, of Persia. + Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall. + Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A. + Time, Father, of Everywhere. + Turkey. + Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City. +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + BIOGRAPHIES + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A + </h2> + <p> + ADAM(1) (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and inaugurator + of history. Biographers differ as to his parentage. Born first Saturday of + year 1. Little is known of his childhood. Education: Self-educated. + Entered the gardening and orchard business when a young man. Was a strong + anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. Children, Cain and Abel + (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but eventually fell prey to his + wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost favor of the proprietor of the garden, and + failed in business. A. started a number of things which have not been + perfected. Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: Chess, agriculture. Address: + Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of all exclusive clubs. + </p> + <p> + (1) Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that position out + of respect. + </p> + <p> + ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden with his + parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a sheep raising business. + Finally had a row with his brother, and was knocked out in the first + round. + </p> + <p> + ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City, Jerusalem, + vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and control the pawn-broking, + diamond, theatrical, and old clothing markets. Camel and sheep merchant. + Considerable land was willed him. A. prospered. Married Sarah (last name + unknown). Marital infelicity followed, A. having an affair with Mrs. + Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the family lived happily + ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people. Recreation: Riding, tennis, + camel racing. Address: Caanan. Clubs: Country. + </p> + <p> + ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando Francesco, of the + Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion of his life taking care of his + name, climbing mountains, fighting Turks, and denying rumors regarding his + marriage. + </p> + <p> + ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a bath, but + forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of the siege of Troy. + Died before receiving pension. + </p> + <p> + AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his childhood except + that he was fond of dogs and played with the cat. Later he made animals + his life's study. A. discovered the zoological principal that a turtle can + run faster than a rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. + Publications: Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece. + Clubs: Zoological Societies. + </p> + <p> + ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a genii with + which he could secure anything an American millionaire or actress can now + purchase. + </p> + <p> + ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system for + removing the financial interests of the country from the common people and + placing them in the hands of the few. + </p> + <p> + ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job. + </p> + <p> + AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in the year + 1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable journey through the + Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he became an author and lecturer. + Publications: The South Pole. Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the U. + S. Later A. retired and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more poles, + a few more books. + </p> + <p> + ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt. + </p> + <p> + ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever lived. In the + height of a brilliant stage career she fell in love, and decided that a + quiet home with a husband and children was more to be desired than the + empty plaudits of the crowd, and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies. + </p> + <p> + ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in Italy, but + named after Irish relatives. At school he showed his talents by making + cartoons of the teachers. These were unappreciated. Moved to Florence, + where he bought some chisels, brushes, and saw his first model. A. + remained a bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a brilliant + church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to give an + exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made permanent. Also made a + fortune erecting tomb-stones for the Medici family, leading politicians of + his time. It is difficult to leave Italy without seeing much of his work. + A. never favored the cubists or post-impressionists. Recreations: + Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome. + </p> + <p> + ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and could not + forget what he saw. + </p> + <p> + ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her husband to spend + the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, her humor terminating at + Versailles when she advised a mob to eat cake during a bread famine. Her + wit was unappreciated. Ambition: Anything but October 16, 1791. + Recreation: Versailles; looking through a grated window. Address: + Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris. + </p> + <p> + APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his statues, + patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table water named in his + honor. Career: See longer and less respectable biographies. A. was the + first person to sing to the accompaniment of a musical instrument, but he + was a good singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel, archery. + Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical. + </p> + <p> + ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood milking cows + and embroidering. When the English ministry began operations in France J. + dropped her embroidery in the milk bucket and began suffragetting. She did + not break windows or blow up anything. Gathered a host of males about her + and captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, but again had + to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and burnt up by the Radical + ministry. She burned an old maid. Recreation: Barn dances, churning. + Clubs: Orleans Suffragette. + </p> + <p> + ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece. + </p> + <p> + ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, and + themselves out of the government jails. + </p> + <p> + ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history with a bad + odor attached to it. + </p> + <p> + ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured the Round + Table, and did all the things a good English king should do. Little is + known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was crowned in Westminster Abbey, but + without the American contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed + away from the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was a + wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing. Address: + Windsor, Buckingham. + </p> + <p> + ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in his country + before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was also a favorite rallying + point for suffragettes. Led a successful wing-dipping expedition against + some of his countrymen who held titles to names and property. Also juggled + dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George). Ambition: Women without + ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address: Constantly in danger of a + change. Clubs: Favored Radical. + </p> + <p> + ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts with nurses + and cooks, spends his time boasting about South Africa and the U. S. A., + posing for motion pictures, and exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ as + to his marksmanship, although it is now conceded he can often hit a + man-sized target at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, + must be clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea. + Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, Kipling, + blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities. Ambition: + Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket bath-tubs, and + restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See Emperor William. + </p> + <p> + ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a preacher. Edited a + huge book which bears his name. + </p> + <p> + AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered for crossing + a river, for being murdered, for murdering somebody, for making speeches, + or building triumphant arches or ruins. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + B + </h2> + <p> + BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. His first + appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic father. Education: At + home. Career: A series of adventures. Was frequently ill, a poor sleeper, + toy demolisher, throat exerciser, nurse distractor, and a general + nuisance. Despite his shortcomings he ruled Home with an iron hand—a + tear caused a doctor—a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: Principally + liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair pulling, a proud + father. Address: See Mother. + </p> + <p> + BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good fellow, and + the founder of the "morning after" feeling. Studied vine raising when a + young man. Discovered that grapes were not intended for a food. Invented + the greatest pleasure and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became a + traveler. Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland, + everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the United + States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe in France, and + vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. Recreation: Paris. Address: Greece. + Clubs: All, except W. C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The Throats Of His + Countrymen. + </p> + <p> + BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare. + </p> + <p> + BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood + and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel when quite young. First + visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every path, hired + every guide, and did everything a tourist should so. His field of travel + widened until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the United + States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he slept in every + hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every wine, rode on every + boat, tramway, subway, and train; visited every ruin, museum, art gallery, + church, store; mastered every language, science, art, literature, custom, + history, and drew maps and plans of everything. Publications: Baedekers. + Recreation: Staying at home. Ambition: Tourists. Residence: Germany. + </p> + <p> + BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the talking forces + of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition seats on both sides of the + house, and an epitaph over the home rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's + golf and writing deep books. + </p> + <p> + BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which may be + discussed in respectable company. + </p> + <p> + BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went to sleep. + </p> + <p> + BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness. + </p> + <p> + BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early days in the + fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided in cellars. John had a + red nose. Was a great friend of Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he is an + "iser," and he will be a "will be-er." Ambition: The end of temperance + societies. + </p> + <p> + BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, the clown, + and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show he taught that some + Americans were Progressives part of the time; that other Americans were + Republicans all the time, but that all Americans were not Democrats all + the time. + </p> + <p> + BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was a great + friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at Versailles a success. + She always preferred marcel waves to pompadours. Ambition: To have and to + hold. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette. + </p> + <p> + BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron of gold + mine investors and American tourists in Europe. + </p> + <p> + BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of wives, before + Reno was discovered. + </p> + <p> + BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the suit of a + love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through heaven, and made + arrangements for his travels in the other place. B. died a famous old + maid. Ambition: A lover with money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. + Dante Had She Wanted To. + </p> + <p> + BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller. + </p> + <p> + BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and nuisance. + Started the saying, "Number, please." + </p> + <p> + BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to be + correct. + </p> + <p> + BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks into Europe. + Also gave his name to benedicts. + </p> + <p> + BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in everything. + </p> + <p> + BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born before birth + records were inaugurated, and no historian has been able to determine her + age. Career: On the stage at four months. During her young-woman and + goodlooking days-hood B. is said to have made a hit with European + nobility. In her declining years she made a few other fortunes in the + United States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, perfumes, + perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. Ambition: The + fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, acting. Address: Private cars and + 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. She also has a telephone. + </p> + <p> + BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American boy. He began + his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the plains of the West, and + ended it shooting glass balls for a fortune in a tent. Installed the + I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy ambition in the hearts of young America. He also + made a goatee and a big hat famous. Played the show market a little too + long. + </p> + <p> + BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, and made + people laugh. + </p> + <p> + BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any Ireland has ever + produced. He built an empire, crowned an emperor, changed the Frenchmen in + Alsace-Lorraine into Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work overtime for + his country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in Germany. + </p> + <p> + BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered. + </p> + <p> + BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy of + navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English Channel without + being seasick. + </p> + <p> + BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also was not the + only German general who ever fought France. + </p> + <p> + BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him). + </p> + <p> + BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. Being an old + maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the parrot or the cat. Her + endeavors were confined to horses, and one of her paintings is considered + fair. + </p> + <p> + BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never fought a + battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted campaigns in Great + Britain and the United States, with brass bands and collection devises. + The army later became a suffragette institution when women were admitted + as recruits, and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter + collection forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers and + troopesses. + </p> + <p> + BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor). + </p> + <p> + BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your bank account + and told how you paid your bills. His complimentary comments are highly + valued. + </p> + <p> + BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it without + being fined or driven out of business. + </p> + <p> + BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by espousing the + cause of the negro. This resulted in his body moulding in the grave. + </p> + <p> + BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure of life by + springing into print when young, and keeping out of it when old. + </p> + <p> + BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are deciphered by the + Bostonese and cultured English people. It has been estimated that B. could + say more with fewer words and conceal his meaning better than any writer + since the adaptation of the alphabet as a means of expression. + </p> + <p> + BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were easily + understood, and consequently seldom read. + </p> + <p> + BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease in his + pantaloons than for his head. + </p> + <p> + BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer. + </p> + <p> + BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a newspaper + and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists claim B. formed a + passion to rule the nation when a child. He only got as far as the + Democratic party and platforms. Became a golden orator with a silver + speech and offered himself as a rectifier of all things not Bryan. For + ages his name was placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. + Made a fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also toured + the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. Was the father of + Bryanism, an odious word meaning things Bryan. Later secured one Wilson to + attend to Washington detail work. Motto: All things come to him with bait. + Ambition: Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, a + newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail forwarded from + Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again. + </p> + <p> + BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and weakness. He + showed the world the excellence of two colors, and caused many a man to + lose the keyhole. + </p> + <p> + BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned reformer. + Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and referendum. Nailed + several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in his platform. After B.'s death + his friends filled the Orient with his bronzes. He was fat and wore a + fascinating wart on his forehead. + </p> + <p> + BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who inhabits a + suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North Atlantic. Born several + hundred years ago and is beginning to show his age. Is fond of the sea and + is said to have a fine fleet. This has had off years, notably 1812. B. has + had trouble with a son who wishes to leave the paternal protection. Is + fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, the Pankhurst family, and + thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly social organization known as the + Royal Family, or a reception committee for American heiresstocracy, which + also dedicates buildings, poses for stamps, post-cards, motion pictures + and raises princesses of Wales for magazine articles and crowning + purposes. B. is a monitor of English style; wears a monocle, spats, 'i + 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and never makes his appearance without a + cawld bawth. He detests the word "egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, + seeing through all jokes but himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. + Recreation: Tea, Week Ends. Address: Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, + Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See Emperor William Again. + </p> + <p> + BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love poems about + his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable feats—making poetry + in the Scotch language, and finding a girl in Scotland who was as + beautiful as his lines declare. + </p> + <p> + BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has remained the + same size and age for the past eight years. + </p> + <p> + BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to get away + from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and wrote poems. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + C + </h2> + <p> + CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great politician + who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics as the leader of the + Gang. Was active in military affairs. Became a fair general despite his + poor service training. Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army + and capturing Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland + or Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally included + Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with the voters, but had + trouble with the Senate. Wrote books and paid his debts. Was finally + attacked by a few vested-interest senators, and stabbed by a chum. The + murderer was caught, but escaped the gallows. C. was honored with one of + the finest funeral orations over delivered over a corpse. He was also + awarded a few triumphant arches. Publications: Omnes Gallia est divisa in + tres parses. Ambition: Rome: Address: Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, + Vestal. Was also a member of the Society for the Protection of Roman + Ruins. Epitaph: Veni, Vidi. + </p> + <p> + CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag. + </p> + <p> + CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House of + Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. occupied the chair, + and tenderly protected poor railroads and trusts from the unkind remarks + of congressmen who knew things and him. Was finally retired from the chair + by the Democrats, and from Congress by his constituents. Grave: 1912 + election. Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty days once + more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P. + </p> + <p> + CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean could wave + at him. + </p> + <p> + CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which wears a + crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: Northern Spain. + </p> + <p> + CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government tobacco + factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician rescued her. Went + on the stage. Has appeared in most of the cities throughout the world, + made love to several singers, and then been killed by a bull fighter after + singing her way through five acts. + </p> + <p> + CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old American + who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace buildings, and + advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman he scotched his three + dollars a week and purchased the steel trust. Later retired. Ambition: + Universal peace with all dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a library + in every town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn the root of all + fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address: University + commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland. + </p> + <p> + CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble. + </p> + <p> + CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the Victor + Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or a sore throat, a + condition which assisted materially in filling the house. Like all his + contemporaries, C. has been sued for divorce and breach of promise, has + lost his jewelry, visited zoological gardens, sung for charity, given + farewell concerts, and done other things to help his newspaper and + box-office reputation. + </p> + <p> + CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was successful for + a time in the U. S. + </p> + <p> + CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see Pollux). + </p> + <p> + CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce American-Irish + politics into South America. Acquired a fortune, which was greatly + increased by a personal friendship with the American asphalt trust. Was + revolutioned a few times, and finally escaped with the mint and his life. + Career: Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York police + force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ? + </p> + <p> + CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the Treasury, + who had different ideas of taxation. + </p> + <p> + CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his business. Has + navigated more people than all the Atlantic liners combined. Ambition: A + launch. Recreation: None. Address: The Styx. + </p> + <p> + CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the English + language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known work is used as a + student puzzle in leading universities and colleges. Ambition: A + typewriter and a dictionary. + </p> + <p> + CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed clothes, + and made chop suey until he had enough money to return to his native land, + purchase a few wives, and live in opium. + </p> + <p> + CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living. + </p> + <p> + CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living. + </p> + <p> + CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in politics. + Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement. + </p> + <p> + CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two sisters in + society. Historians have questioned her claims to fame, but they may + easily be substantiated by millions of children. + </p> + <p> + CLAUS, Santa, poor father. + </p> + <p> + CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a threadless + needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was unsuccessful in her love + and naval affairs, and finally became a mummy through the auspices of an + adder. Ambition: An Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: + Barging with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid. + </p> + <p> + CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and ambition. + Spent the early portion of their lives gathering cash, and the later in + spending it. Were welcomed by many people, but never quite reached the + top. Both died trying to get there. Ambition: An English nobleman in the + family. Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. Address: See + Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they wanted. + </p> + <p> + COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. Great smoker, + and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers. + </p> + <p> + COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat burnings. + </p> + <p> + COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have been born in + Genoa. Something made him believe the world was round. He endeavored to + secure money to prove his theory, but nobody cared whether he was correct + or not. Realizing there was no capital or prophet in his own country, he + took passage to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into equipping an + expedition for him to discover America. She did and he did. Ambition: To + keep New York City in the family. Recreation: Deck shuffle-boards, + dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: Palos Yacht. + </p> + <p> + COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when we were + taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. Recreation: Tea. + Ambition: An invitation to dinner. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. C. and + taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do things backward. + He also was the founder of ancestor worship. This still is practiced in + England, but never in the United States or Australia. Recreation: + Fireworks. Ambition: A Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More + Majorum. + </p> + <p> + CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" in all + history books. + </p> + <p> + COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at a tender + age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and in the management of + the house. When she departed there was weeping, and wailing, and waiting. + Diet: Usually large and everything of the best. Ambition: An American + policeman, or Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: The whole + house. + </p> + <p> + COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich Islands and who + took the first Cook's tour around the world. + </p> + <p> + COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered the north + pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.) + </p> + <p> + COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating travel + literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save you money. Owns and + operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. Publications: The Come On Books. + Ambition: Those Americans who want to see everything. Also "first timers." + Address: Any foreign city equipped with tourists. + </p> + <p> + COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his father save + money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in Paris. + </p> + <p> + COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in building a + reputation. + </p> + <p> + CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion fighter of + the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a good word. Many + persons wish he might be the Corbett he used to be. Ambition: A white + champion. + </p> + <p> + CORELLI,(2) Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful love scenes. + She is said to have written some books which brought her fame and royalty. + C. does not approve of society except her own. She remains secluded with + her typewriter at Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only being seen by her + publishers and the editor. Publications: See book stores and railway + stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All anti-suffragette. + </p> + <p> + (2) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the next + edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations of book + reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen into the "was" + class. The editor never contradicts a book reviewer. + </p> + <p> + COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the world which + did not take up collections or give away Christmas dinners. + </p> + <p> + CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world to see all + the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column for his employers. + </p> + <p> + CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy without + trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market. + </p> + <p> + CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of Irish parents. + From childhood he practiced the art of politics, which resulted in his + gaining the friendship of the New York police force. C. was elected. C. + was very poor. Later retired to his native land with two Atlantic liners + filled with salary. Ambition: An Irish president. Recreation: English + Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York Democratic. + </p> + <p> + CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, and went + about England tearing down churches. He also assisted in putting King + Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in England on a reform-Cromwell + basis, and after his death was honored by having his round head placed as + a decoration over Westminster Hall. + </p> + <p> + CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. Visited a + sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked to parrots; found + some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned to England to become an + author. + </p> + <p> + CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one at least + once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to mischievous tricks. It + was he who made kings fall in love with poor country girls; chauffeurs + with their ladies, and beggars with princesses. C. held all men and women + equal provided they were good, and he made the happiest people on earth + when they listened to his voice. He witnessed several international + engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants gave him a black + eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some roads he made very + rough, but C. always was a good guide. At times he caused pain, but he + said it never was his fault. When C. stayed in a house the sun was always + shining. You should be at home when he calls. Ambition: That sigh. + Recreation: Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. Clubs: None. He prefers + the fireside and moonlight nights. + </p> + <p> + CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print without + being a suffragette or an actress. + </p> + <p> + CZAR. See Russia. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + D + </h2> + <p> + DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat of remaining + in a fiery furnace without his family applying for the insurance. + </p> + <p> + DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, lover, and poor + politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but used too much slang. Later + fell in love. The girl (see her) knew what journalists were, and refused + to spoon. Exasperated, he began a bombardment of poetry. That settled it. + D. then entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix with love and his + business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished. Traveled in Italy in + the interests of safety. Posed for his bust while suffering with a bad + attack of dyspepsia. Publications: Poems, tragedies, and comedies (?). + Ambition: To be Beatrice's Romeo. Recreation: Travel. Address: II via + Dante, Florence. Seldom at home. + </p> + <p> + DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution. + </p> + <p> + DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the world that + a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of the truly brave who + did not receive a Carnegie advertisement. + </p> + <p> + DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered that many + men looked like their progenitors, and proved his theories with the + exception of one link. The clergymen claimed that a chain with one link + missing was no chain, and that D. was a nature faker. Publications: Origin + of Species, a valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the currency + bill. + </p> + <p> + DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and rescued + little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.) + </p> + <p> + DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion sling shot, + and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army as a volunteer, and was + awarded medals for his attack upon Goliath. Appointed musician to the + royal household. Became friendly with the Prince of Wales and succeeded in + doing him out of the coronation. Later was elected king. Fell in love with + Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her husband a conspicuous + position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol. Publications: Psalms. + Recreation: Slinging. Address: Jerusalem. + </p> + <p> + DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a lifetime, usually + toward the close. Patron of insurance companies. Nothing is known of his + childhood. Historians claim he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; wore + a sheet over his head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. Never + brought happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to some one. + Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. Many doctors and + scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he continues to be a safe bet + at 100 to 1. Heir: None. Ambition: A happy home and prosperous graveyards. + Recreation: Sharpening scythes. Address: Always hung out a black cloth + wherever he resided. + </p> + <p> + DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also accompanied Samson on + a number of European and American opera expeditions. + </p> + <p> + DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where the cost of + living has ever been high. He introduced the French menu into the U. S. + and with it considerable indigestion. + </p> + <p> + DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker. + </p> + <p> + DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in France. + </p> + <p> + DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator from the + state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, dedicated monuments; + married a young wife, and was relegated to obscurity by the American + voters. + </p> + <p> + DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more than her + clothes. + </p> + <p> + DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract a royal + press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary. + </p> + <p> + DEVIL, see Old Nic. + </p> + <p> + DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without which no cold + day is complete. + </p> + <p> + DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed a Spanish + armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a nation; had cigars named + after him; appeared in Who's Who; was paraded through the streets; married + a widow; moved to Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, and got out + of the newspapers. + </p> + <p> + DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, and the chase + without the conventionalities of a society hunt. Address: Ephesus. + </p> + <p> + DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who departed + from the social functions of a king to assist the government. Legends + prevail to the effect that he patterned his actions on a + Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was requested to move. Ambition: A + revolution with himself on top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty + years in the White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me. + </p> + <p> + DICE, see Thomas and Harry. + </p> + <p> + DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the messenger boys + and embryo criminals. His biography formed an important part in the lives + of the boys who never visited the Carnegie libraries. + </p> + <p> + DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote. + </p> + <p> + DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. Employed in H. R. + H. service in India. Wore few clothes. Fought in many battles. Frequently + gave bad water to soldiers. Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was shot while in + the act. Saved the government the price of a medal. His pathetic story was + widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the U. S. and Great + Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the story. Ambition: To + come back like Sherlock Holmes. Recreation: Sleep. Address: Care of + biographer. + </p> + <p> + DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored to find + something with a lantern which could not even be located with a + searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. Recreation: Cleaning globes. + Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible. + </p> + <p> + DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to run England. + </p> + <p> + DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by persons who + forged his name. + </p> + <p> + DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off their hats, + shout, and whistle when he rode into town. + </p> + <p> + DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies. + </p> + <p> + DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed the world + how easily some people were deprived of their money and religion. + </p> + <p> + DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public square named + after him. D. also introduced the spud into Ireland. + </p> + <p> + DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and intended doing + something to-day. Spent much time thinking about the best girl in the + world. A great friend of Procrastinator. Went through life waiting for + to-morrow. Several men, however, with the same name, have awakened and + given their dreams to the world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth). + </p> + <p> + DREW, John, prehistoric American actor. + </p> + <p> + DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail by being + one of the few innocent men who got into print. + </p> + <p> + DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good layer on. + </p> + <p> + DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an early age + and never recovered, despite the services of specialists. + </p> + <p> + DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to open a + charge account. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + E + </h2> + <p> + EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most expensive + sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, tourists. Address: Rochester + and London. Clubs: Camera. + </p> + <p> + EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made millions by + telling the world there was no such thing as the toothache, sea-sickness, + or hitting your thumb with a hammer. + </p> + <p> + EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the exception of + the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor. + </p> + <p> + EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who was wise + enough to stop before he got too high. + </p> + <p> + EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When a young + man he became a benedict, a condition in which he remained until well + along in years. As fast as a queen appeared at the breakfast table with + her hair down her back, she was dispatched to the block. A couple of + queens got ahead of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces as + Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later years he + competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A harem. Recreation: + Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: Windsor. + </p> + <p> + ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece to the + British Museum. Also had something to do with the interior of watches. + </p> + <p> + ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). Later he went + somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a chariot driver. + </p> + <p> + ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the boys. E. + reigned when people did things. She was wooed and lost by an Armada (see + Philip II). She finally walked over Raleigh's coat, and later wiped her + feet on him. E. had a sister by the name of Mary, who was better looking, + and less fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced into + England. Other and less important events of her reign were: Shakespeare, + Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: She did not have any. + </p> + <p> + ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books. + </p> + <p> + EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town of Italy; a + king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust his affairs to a + brainier man, and was thus made famous (see Girabaldi). + </p> + <p> + EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers to conquer + the world. Several have failed. Also advised the practical theory of + hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived before the time of the taxi. + </p> + <p> + EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and that + pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive hotels and eat only + in high-class restaurants. Many suffer with the gout. A popular cat foot + was named in his honor. + </p> + <p> + ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of breakfast food. + </p> + <p> + ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain of the + book, married the hero, and lived happily ever afterward. + </p> + <p> + EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as far back as + 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the shortest distance between + two points is a crow's flight, and that two parallel lines always compete. + </p> + <p> + EVE, see Mrs. Adam. + </p> + <p> + EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich husband after + the fashion of books. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + F + </h2> + <p> + FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did not fit his + religion. + </p> + <p> + FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to ascertain + whether the weather is warm or cold. + </p> + <p> + FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his younger + days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have applied himself to + school or business. Found fault with life and everybody, but was never + wrong himself. Unpopular. A great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, + and the poor house. Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The + other fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. Clubs: + None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really Tried. + </p> + <p> + FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French government + for seven years. One of the most distinguished of the vast collection of + ex-presidents now scattered over the world. + </p> + <p> + FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk. + </p> + <p> + FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron saint of + French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores changing the cut of + ladies' clothes and the shape of their hats. Created some awful looking + things. F. made the poor men work very hard to keep up to her. + Publications: Editor of all Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, and + New York City. Epitaph: (Would that she had one.) + </p> + <p> + FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love during his second + young manhood, traveled in a warm country, and sang his way to fame. + </p> + <p> + FAWKES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in Parliament + without introducing home rule or suffrage bills. + </p> + <p> + FINN, Huck, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom). + </p> + <p> + FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub the black + spot from the ring. + </p> + <p> + FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing. + </p> + <p> + FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with the men. She + appeared in all large cities with the best looking chorus that ever wore + tights. F. created such a sensation that every living actress of note is + willing to be classified as a former member of her company. Had a + miserable cigar named after her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York City. + Epitaph: There Were Not Many Like Flora. + </p> + <p> + FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty days for a + big sale. + </p> + <p> + FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an unintelligent woman + and one who never could understand. Followed his natural bents, even as + you and I. Wasted several years. Wept profusely. End unknown. Recreation: + Vampires. Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with brains. He + discovered that lightning was composed of electricity, that politics paid + better than printing, and that the French Court was more lively than the + Continental Congress. + </p> + <p> + FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics. + </p> + <p> + FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but he came + around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know of your success, + pitied you in your failures, and shook you by the hand when you were down + and out. Never borrowed money, but he frequently lent it. Was a wise + counsellor. Very popular. His name was frequently given the baby (see + Mischief). Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At the other + fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or his own. Clubs: All. + </p> + <p> + FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as the only woman + in the history of mankind who admitted her old age. + </p> + <p> + FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a fortune for + the Cunard and White Star lines. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + G + </h2> + <p> + GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as the agent for + the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to move. Historians claim he + will again be in Who's Who when St. Peter (see him) makes the inventory. + Ambition: Larger lungs. Recreation: Aviation. + </p> + <p> + GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait manufacturer. + </p> + <p> + GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by declaring the + world revolved when everybody knew it was stationary. Manufactured the + first spy-glass, an instrument which has since been used in theatres and + for various other purposes. Also discovered that clocks were equipped with + pendulums. + </p> + <p> + GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when out of + office. + </p> + <p> + GARDEN,(3) Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera stage. Legend + has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a child. This was expensively + cultivated in Europe, was later exposed before English and American + congregations, and her Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes packed the + houses. Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants a husband + with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera houses and suppers. + Residence: Principally Atlantic liners. + </p> + <p> + (3) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. + </p> + <p> + GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea party. He + espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor), and successfully + Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every town in his country, ran + second to V. E. in the number of statues erected to his appearance, and + for three years held the championship for eating spaghetti. + </p> + <p> + GARRICK, an old English matinee idol. + </p> + <p> + GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun. + </p> + <p> + GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when mortally + wounded. + </p> + <p> + GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in general, and + one Walpole in particular, to run England. + </p> + <p> + GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars. + </p> + <p> + GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign of William + Pitt, and believed in taxing tea. + </p> + <p> + GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our contemporary + Who's Who). + </p> + <p> + GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician. Entered + politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes. Was a modest member + of the House of Commons, seldom speaking more than four times on any bill. + Kept climbing until he became under secretary of something, order keeper + of the Board of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent position in the + Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home rule millstone, and + hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A dynamite-proof house, a tax on air. + Recreation: (see Asquith). Address: Front row House of Commons. Clubs: + Anti-conservative. + </p> + <p> + GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old inhabitants + before the market was so wet. + </p> + <p> + GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which cuts + barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to clean. + </p> + <p> + GIRL, The Chorus, Um! + </p> + <p> + GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model. + </p> + <p> + GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England, chopped + trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with the Irish home rule. + </p> + <p> + GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book which + everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then re-reads it when + the doors are locked. In the United States a law has been passed + compelling booksellers to include a bottle of disinfectant whenever a G. + book is sold. Ambition: A publisher who is not afraid of the police. + Recreation: Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs: Always + blackballed. + </p> + <p> + GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book. + </p> + <p> + GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited at the + Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight. + </p> + <p> + GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words rhyme. + </p> + <p> + GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in one round by + a lightweight. Defeat attributed to overconfidence. Friends said nothing + like that had ever entered his head. + </p> + <p> + GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism, but who + adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale. + </p> + <p> + GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who told some + awful untruths to the innocent. + </p> + <p> + GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest writer who + ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At the age of fourteen began + shaving and wearing long trousers. At twenty-one G. was considered of age. + Began writing while a child. Penmanship so poor he took to the typewriter. + Wrote Who Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some one did. + Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.) Recreation: + Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when financially able. Other times + in one of those confounded newspaper offices. + </p> + <p> + GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the government + and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of the United States + accompanied by another man's wife. Learned that this was not the usual + custom in America. His managers and hotel proprietors requested him to + continue his travels. Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people. + Publications: Much unpatriotic literature. + </p> + <p> + GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line of which is + remembered by everybody. + </p> + <p> + GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who never was + bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he worked. Historians claim + this was due to his poor salary. + </p> + <p> + GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some distance from + Land's End. + </p> + <p> + GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of decapitation, + who had such confidence in his invention that he was the first to give it + a practical demonstration. + </p> + <p> + GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never submitted his + proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a gullible public. Never + lectured. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + H + </h2> + <p> + HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating before he + was abdicated. + </p> + <p> + HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy family. + </p> + <p> + HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and called it + homeopathy. + </p> + <p> + HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark. + </p> + <p> + HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion promiser, and a + sick man. When a youth he began instructing the monarchs of Europe in the + use of a government. One of his favorite pastimes was reading ultimatums. + Fearless until a warship entered the harbor, and even then usually got rid + of it with promises. Employed massacres to break the monotony of reigning. + Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk cushions. Some of H.'s + younger subjects though he should be ostlerized (see Dr. Ostler). They + gave him his harem and salary, and locked him up in a palace. Then the + wise ones lost Tripoli and about everything but sleeping room in Europe. + Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on the job. Recreations: + Private entertainments. Address: Harem. Epitaph: Everybody Worked But + Father. + </p> + <p> + HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also founded the + foolish questions. + </p> + <p> + HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high prices, + and buildings upon certain communities. + </p> + <p> + HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote a few + other airs. + </p> + <p> + HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.) + </p> + <p> + HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American university near + the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., where football players and + the sons of American millionaires eke out an education. + </p> + <p> + HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his patients had + blood which circulated. The discovery has since been of some profit to his + successors. + </p> + <p> + HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his name. Sold + American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other varieties to the world. + </p> + <p> + HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches (also see + Napoleon). + </p> + <p> + HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, and + exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It is said the poem + has been parodized. + </p> + <p> + HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty or death. + From all that can be ascertained he secured the latter. + </p> + <p> + HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic games and + laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which are even questioned by + the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed about everybody, erected two pillars, + stole some apples, and, in short, did everything but enter politics or + invent a breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. Recreation: + Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs: Athletic. + Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen. + </p> + <p> + HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to death simply + for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a great American poet used + bad taste in writing the biography of such a man. + </p> + <p> + HICHENS,(4) Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah. Experimented with + belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and multitudes of readers hope he + will remain there for some time to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: + Filling his fountain pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the + Publisher. Home: Sicily. + </p> + <p> + (4) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day, and is + compelled to make the biography flattering. + </p> + <p> + HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a celebrated rain + storm. + </p> + <p> + HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and went to + Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was heard by great + crowds. Produced statistics to show how few saloons failed after a + lecture. + </p> + <p> + HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured inexpensive + literature and theatres. This fired his mind to eliminate Scotland Yard as + a crime-detecting agency. Entered the profession of a detective, but was + unknown until Doctor Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was then + made. All the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he only + told what he knew about society—! H. solved the most complicated + mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle, and was only baffled in + locating the murderer of Cock Robin. His name struck terror into the + hearts of criminals and competing publishers. After all the criminals in + England had been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the great + H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in time to see + his murderer knighted. Now at work on the suffragette case. Ambition: + Another Dr. Watson. Recreation: Fond of Doyle's works and the violin. + Address: 31 Baker Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: Au + Revoir, But. + </p> + <p> + HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began career as a + reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for incompetence, and took + up honest writing. Found a publisher who thought his writings would sell + to posterity. Later H. took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war + correspondent for the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. + Ambition: Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and + school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth Estate. + </p> + <p> + HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a wolf which + had previously partaken of a relative. + </p> + <p> + HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the rich and + gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for stories. + </p> + <p> + HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for Harvey's + discovery. + </p> + <p> + HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near relation of + Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and gave her name to the + world. She was the first woman to manufacture ideals, and has been made + the patron saint of the suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went about + making life worth while. She was loved by all those millions of lovers and + all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do things. Ambition: + The discouraged. Recreation: Success. Address: Perhaps she has resided in + your home. + </p> + <p> + HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who sang and drank + of the Falernian wine. + </p> + <p> + HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the Tiber + without getting stuck in the mud. + </p> + <p> + HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever lived. + Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his picture and ran + long articles about his life, family, eccentricities, etc. Won fame in + war, science, pulpit, aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, + finance, by saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were + infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful women. Made + addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He was the man everyone + wanted to shake by the hand so they could tell other people they had done + it. Ambition: Another hour. Recreation: Basking. Address: All countries. + Clubs: All open. + </p> + <p> + HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ extra + telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He also was + responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation." + </p> + <p> + HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large cities, showed + his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the villain, packed up, and + moved to the next town. + </p> + <p> + HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened newspapers. + Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only controlling a few + newspapers. He soon purchased others. His magical touch changed their + color. Employed the greatest staff of imaginary geniuses ever gathered + together. These men had the ability to write unhampered by mere details or + facts. H. also employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. + Fortified by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and + newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. Was always + Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan. Recreation: Reading + yellow journals. Address: All large American cities. Epitaph: The Vote Is + Mightier Than The Pen. + </p> + <p> + HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.) + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + I + </h2> + <p> + IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words to rhyme at + the ends of the lines. + </p> + <p> + ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first tumble. Selected + water as the spot for his fall, and was not picked up with the debris. + Ambition: A Wright machine. Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece. Clubs: + Aero. + </p> + <p> + IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life except that he + built a celebrated fort to protect the poor Cossacks from the molestations + of the populace. Was probably blown up or died in prison. + </p> + <p> + INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within the reach of + authors and artists. Historians claim he would have made another fortune + had he lived when the sun-dial trust had its own way. + </p> + <p> + INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not believe in + anything, and made a fortune by telling people what he believed. + </p> + <p> + INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome. + </p> + <p> + IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited Westminster + Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few biographies. + </p> + <p> + ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.(5) Spent his childhood + like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca, claimed by historians to + have been a Jewess. Had two famous sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but + especially the latter). Died at the tender age of 180 years. + </p> + <p> + (5) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity He did his + best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed. + </p> + <p> + ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her clothes until + the Moors were driven from the country. Her husband, the king, raised an + army and accomplished the feat. I.'s name is sometimes connected with the + discovery of America. This, however, is an error, as Columbus took a more + active part. + </p> + <p> + ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing. + </p> + <p> + ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his father's estate. + Traveled extensively in the desert with his mother. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + J + </h2> + <p> + JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water carrier. + Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in the valley. (See + Jill.) + </p> + <p> + JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother of Esau. Was + mother's pet. Became proficient as a character impersonator, but never + went on the stage. Left home suddenly. Slept on a stone and had hard + dreams. Later married, and was responsible for Joseph and his brethren. + (See Joe.) + </p> + <p> + JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm. + </p> + <p> + JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and appeared in + paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, the author, and the + publisher. + </p> + <p> + JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be elected king + of England. + </p> + <p> + JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage. + </p> + <p> + JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark. + </p> + <p> + JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory. + </p> + <p> + JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his gloves and + bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.) + </p> + <p> + JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own medicine. + </p> + <p> + JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the face of the + earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of such men as Eugene Sue + and Lew Wallace. + </p> + <p> + JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident + occurred. + </p> + <p> + JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like all rich men, + he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and entered the market. + Formed the camel trust and cornered the real estate market. The market + tumbled and so did J. Family troubles also distressed him. His camels died + of the colic or were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard luck he + patronized the temple, and believed while there was money it could be had. + Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, and ended his + days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the New York Stock market; + death to his comforters. Recreation: Sackcloth and ashes. + </p> + <p> + JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of the + world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne made + even a colored gentleman a "waser." + </p> + <p> + JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press + agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. Also wrote. + </p> + <p> + JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for taking a rough + trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he was the jonah. Swam until he + was tired, and finally made a morsel for a fish. Tradition has it that J. + was tough and indigestible. He remained three days and three nights in the + interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable annoyance when he + exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam ashore, and thanked his lucky + stars for his indigestibility and the illness of his rescuer. His story + was published. Still causes some comment. Tradition also says that J. + never could look a fish in the face after the harrowing incident. + Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. Address: Sodom. Clubs: + Alpine. + </p> + <p> + JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor. + </p> + <p> + JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture post-card. + </p> + <p> + JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and was only + prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of the place. + </p> + <p> + JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a young man he + became his father's favorite, while his brethren had to do the heavy work. + Wore a loud coat. This aroused the ire of his brethren, resulting in Joe + being sold as a slave, and in the coat being sent to the cleaners. J. + journeyed to Egypt, where he refused to elope with the Pharaohess. Her + husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in prison, and afterward + made him the royal butler. Years passed. A famine occurred in Judea. Joe's + brethren came down to Egypt to lay in provisions. There they were + confronted by the coatless Joe, who thanked them for the good luck they + had thrust upon him. + </p> + <p> + JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart + which was broken by the ambitions of a man. + </p> + <p> + JUDAS, suicide. + </p> + <p> + JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first name. + She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband, although + she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a few hundred + years, displaying her domestic infelicity. + </p> + <p> + JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love on a + balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a splendid + sale. (See Romeo.) + </p> + <p> + JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and a regular + Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: Killing giants, + disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: Olympia. + </p> + <p> + JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently + erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales with + a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other. Her statues + in other countries are said to be different, although occasionally the + little statues are found in the pans. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + K + </h2> + <p> + KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; a German + of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, considerable + comment in England, and much applause in his own country. Was also a naval + constructor. Born of royal parents. Inherited his father's position. At a + tender age he formed a passion for an army. Like all royal children, he + had his own way. His plaything has grown steadily, is in fine condition, + but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. His later years were + spent in making additions to the fleet, but for what purpose even the + wisest sages could not guess. K. was also honored by a visit from T. + Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his exhibition through Europe. It is said he + could not learn anything from his adviser. Heir: The crown prince. + Ambition: His army applied to the socialists. Recreation: Army. Address: + Army. Clubs: Army. + </p> + <p> + KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account + of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding without + the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as gold. Was + strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New + York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians + are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached. + Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from business. + Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U. + </p> + <p> + KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and heartfelt + commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More grapes. Recreation: A + flask, books, and a Persian "thou." Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What + He Preached. + </p> + <p> + KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure which + several people have been sure they could locate. Was said to have been one + of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship. + </p> + <p> + KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and accomplishments. + </p> + <p> + KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted. + </p> + <p> + KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the kirk into + Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate. + </p> + <p> + KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made England scrub + up. + </p> + <p> + KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell concert. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + L + </h2> + <p> + LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. He was such + an attentive listener and heard so much that the leading cemetery in Paris + was named in his honor. + </p> + <p> + LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of tears to + place smiles on paper. + </p> + <p> + LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable talent. + Ambition: Those old time lovers. + </p> + <p> + LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. Together with + his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered with a bad attack. + Address: Vatican, Rome. + </p> + <p> + LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had a brow like + a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in Scotland to whom Burns + did not write a few poems. L. was engaged to be married; no record of the + ceremony can be found. + </p> + <p> + LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to become a + mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on Irish questions. + Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except in the south of Ireland. + Address: Parliament. This will probably hold good for several editions of + Who Was Who. Clubs: Conservative, of course. + </p> + <p> + LAW,(6) Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused ancient whose + life and story has been written by malicious biographers. In reality L. + was a kind soul who invited us to dinner, permitted the gas to be turned + down, and always knocked before she came into the room. Later she wiped + the dishes, took care of her grandchild (see Baby), helped pay the bills, + and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she had. Ambition: Daughter. + Recreation: Our house. Address: Our house most of the time. Clubs: + Suffrage. + </p> + <p> + (6) Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the accuracy of + the above. + </p> + <p> + LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler. + </p> + <p> + LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also Jupiter, Castor, + and Pollux. + </p> + <p> + LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal saucerers + to the king. + </p> + <p> + LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her debut. Also + was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. Ambition: To find another + widow. + </p> + <p> + LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her with a good + song. + </p> + <p> + LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead long enough for + historians to make him famous. Ambition: Song, women, and wine. + Recreation: Wine, women, and song. Address: Several in Brussels. Epitaph: + Quantum Mutatus Ab Illo. + </p> + <p> + LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes Italy and + Poland to the United States. + </p> + <p> + LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising cheese. + </p> + <p> + LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with Shamrocks, + and one of the men of his race who did not enter politics or the police + force. Ambition: That cup. + </p> + <p> + LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, and played + the piano. + </p> + <p> + LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects for the sale + of this book. + </p> + <p> + LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides herself when + the tourist goes down the Rhine. + </p> + <p> + LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband. + </p> + <p> + LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which became + practical. She also was considered one of the salt of the earth. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's into France. + Put the "is" in Paris. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron of cafe's. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. Continued the works + of his predecessors. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work of his + predecessors. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. Started + pre-tango dancing. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French menu. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and dressmakers into + Paris. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. Fought the Turks + and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought 7,000,000 francs worth of + him. Was awarded his halo for work in the Crusades. Not a patron of his + ancestors. Very unpopular in Paris. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. Very popular. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear of the + discovery of the United States. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were discovered. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for him. Was a + patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, salon + decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted Paris in acquiring + her reputation. Built Versailles, the Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He was + the man who captured Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon III.) + Motto: I am the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles. + Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. Address: + Versailles. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns of Queens + Pompadour and Du-Barry. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of his + ancestors, but—. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the turkey + trot and the salome dance at Versailles. While his subjects were starving + he ate pate de foies gras. They objected and carried his White Wigginess + to Paris, where he ended his reign. Ambition: To have been any one of his + ancestors, even No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. Address: + Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head Which Wore + A Crown. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long enough to have + the good times of his ancestors, and the only Louis for whom the world has + a word of sympathy. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who got back on + the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and Napoleon had subsided. + </p> + <p> + LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, lunatic, and + saint. Spent early days only in living. In young manhood he met Her. From + that moment all other hers he had known became lemons. L. was an expert + prevaricator. Polished shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, and never + ate onions. Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas or electric lights. + Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled occasionally. Spent salary + for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. Walked on air. Had a terrible + time keeping away from his friends who wanted him to have a good time. One + night Her looked wonderfully beautiful. L. said some things. He could not + keep quiet. Her blushed, permitted him to sit closer, and then told L. he + was the dearest, sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, bravest lovey in the + wide, wide world. Later L. secured an embarrassing interview and visited a + jewelry store. Diet: Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. + Clubs: None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go. + </p> + <p> + LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /><a name="linkm" id="linkm"></a> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + M + </h2> + <p> + McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver. + </p> + <p> + McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization, frequently + used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the world's championship. + </p> + <p> + MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist. + </p> + <p> + MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a rainy day. + </p> + <p> + MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights. + </p> + <p> + MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a child. Only + calls after supper. Tells the little one he has played enough for the day, + and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. When M. departs the little bundle is + asleep in the nursery or all cuddled up in Mother's lap. Ambition: Sand + for the older folks. + </p> + <p> + MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced Parisian life + into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise young man. Overlooked the fact + that a king may rule a nation, but frequently is a poor press agent. + Became incensed at his army and subjects. Moved in haste. Ambition: Lisbon + and a dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. Address: Watch + bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And His Kingdom Are + Soon Parted. + </p> + <p> + MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could rule a city, + but not a woman. + </p> + <p> + MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women to gaze in + mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day. + </p> + <p> + MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph poles and + wires look foolish. His inventions have made it possible for New York + stock brokers to continue their business while journeying to Paris. + </p> + <p> + MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by making a voyage + with some dead ones. His feat has frequently been duplicated on liners out + of the regular tourist season. + </p> + <p> + MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and the tourist + who dwelt within his canals. + </p> + <p> + MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which tastes too + good. + </p> + <p> + MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom was seen + without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her one day, thus causing + considerable mirth among the pupils. Was severely reprimanded by the + teacher, as it was against the regulations of the institution to permit + animals, other than the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the lamb + to the stable. Her biography has been extensively published. + </p> + <p> + MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" about + himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. Recreation: + Bluebird raising. + </p> + <p> + MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, who + introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a young man he + discovered that the tourists were not paying enough money to see the + sights. With the assistance of some handsomely gowned women he opened a + cafe on the Rue Royal where they could. For years it was patronized by his + countrymen until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists were + permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French cafe, pay + double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, hear champagne + bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. Ambition: Americans. + Recreation: Staying at home. Press Agent: The Merry Widow and the Girl + from Maxims. Epitaph: Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense. + </p> + <p> + MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things to kill + people, and not to financially ruin them. + </p> + <p> + MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered by those + historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for Methodists or + Presbyterians. + </p> + <p> + MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an acute + stage. + </p> + <p> + MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the bottle. + </p> + <p> + MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man goes to his + fate. + </p> + <p> + MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion perquisite. Nothing + like it for your face after shaving. His picture has been widely + distributed, but never admired. + </p> + <p> + MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet and feathers + in his hat. Was also an artist's model. Ambition: A telegraph. Recreation: + Same as the gods. Address: General delivery. + </p> + <p> + METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand. + </p> + <p> + MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was instantly made + the patron saint of France. + </p> + <p> + MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat). + </p> + <p> + MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known by everybody + and the contents by few. + </p> + <p> + MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to bring the + price of champagne to within the reach of millionaires. + </p> + <p> + MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced mormonism into + Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured crescents, religion, and made + Mecca the mecca for everything. Early life spent in business. This did not + pay. He then married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a hobby. + Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his kin. His + salvation army was successful. His prisoners were given the alternative of + a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid damascus blade or Islam. They + always became fervently religious. Later M. embarked on a marrying + campaign with equal success. Publications: The Koran, a treatise on + everything. Ambition: The crescent on every flag. Recreation: Walking + toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 Blvd. Allah, Mecca, + Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him. + </p> + <p> + MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we do not have + to see alone. + </p> + <p> + MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of which + nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the test. + </p> + <p> + MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents in other + lines had Marconi lived before his time. + </p> + <p> + MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all generations. Born in + the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics as the son of Pharaoh's daughter + and the leader of the Ghetto. When M. waxed astute, after the manner of + his people, he discovered there were not sufficient shekels for himself + and countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued the king for + permission to close the pawn shops and clothing stores. Now in those days + the children of Egypt were wont to patronize the bazaars of the children + of the Chosen, and Pharaoh was wroth within himself and refused the + passports. The brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and took ship's + leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches to the Red + Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and his army. M. spilled + the sea on them and marched on. From this time the journey to the Promised + Land was slow. Whether this was due to good business or sore feet history + does not relate. M. later climbed a mountain and received the ten + commandments. After breaking them he returned to camp. He died before the + journey was complete. Publications: Histories. Ambition: A railroad from + Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: Tennis and camel racing. Also enjoyed tent + life. Address: Care of Jewish Legation. + </p> + <p> + MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who came around + when you hit your finger with the hammer. + </p> + <p> + MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to New York + City. + </p> + <p> + MUMM,(7) the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. The products + of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons who cannot afford them. + They form one of the principal ingredients of a good time (see Paris). + </p> + <p> + (7) Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the above stated + facts. + </p> + <p> + MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his books, lectures, + and newspaper interviews have been questioned by scientific men, he is + held in high regard due to his failure to claim the discovery of the north + pole. + </p> + <p> + MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the theory that + while there was life there was a chance to sell some of his medicine. + </p> + <p> + MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + N + </h2> + <p> + NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl on his + forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good luck. Started life + by placing Corsica on the map. Like all great men, he was the dunce at + school. Later he used his masters and prize-winning chums as first-row + soldiers. Entered the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. Frequently amused + himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing a city or an army + between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young man was not without + talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. Then he went after countries. + Captured Egypt, but had trouble with one Nelson of England. N. became + unpopular with his neighbors. They all attacked him. He attacked them all. + That settled it. He ate wars. After the powers were powerless N. scampered + about Europe adding countries to France. He devoured Germany. Went after + Russia, but they made it too hot and too cold for him. Had more trouble + with that man Nelson. Became rich and divorced. Introduced Roosevelt + publicity tactics into France and carried a third term. Started things. + Began quarreling again. At last he was cooped up in Paris, and flew the + white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited France. Started things again. Took + some veterans to Belgium. There he was met by another Englishman by the + name of Wellington who introduced him to Waterloo. For his kindness in + leaving Europe England presented N. with a whole island, a complementary + guard, and paid all his living expenses for six years. Later N. became + responsible for one of the sights of Paris. Always carried his right hand + in the front of his coat. Ambition: A French Nelson, England, and progeny. + Recreation: Walking along the shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At + Sea. Epitaph: I Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine + Among The Few French People I Did Not Take To War. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON II. Absent. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. Ambition: Rough + on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris + when the Dutchmen would permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But No + Bonaparte. + </p> + <p> + NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined away into + a flower and a tiresome song. + </p> + <p> + NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette who believed + the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be sober all the time. + </p> + <p> + NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to spell. + </p> + <p> + NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, wireless, + and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to New York. Recreation: + Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: Yacht. + </p> + <p> + NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought nothing burned + like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire departments a necessity in + the Eternal City. Ambition: A good show in the Colosseum. Recreation: + Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow. + </p> + <p> + NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her husband. + </p> + <p> + NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the theory that it + is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to fall than to climb after + it. + </p> + <p> + NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. Will stick + to you clear to the end. One of those good souls who never fails to give + encouragement and grasp you by the hand when you want to do something you + know you should not do. Was driven from home when a young man. Set up + competition and succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in + existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable opposition. N. + numbers among his friends most of the great people who ever lived. He is + counting on others. Caused much worry to mothers and wives, but seldom + troubled the men. Publications: French literature; some fine books and + pictures. Occupation: Looking for idle hands. Ambition: You. Recreation: + Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's, champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond + of chorus girls. Address: Paris. N. also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad + Infinitum. + </p> + <p> + NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who succeeded without + the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or a license. + </p> + <p> + NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had considerable + to do in preserving the race for we posterity. When a young man he shunned + the ways of young men, and never sat in the seat of the scornful. Studied + shipbuilding on the Clyde and designed the largest floating stable on + record. Made quite a reputation as an animal collector. Took to the sea + when well advanced in years. N. was the first man to descend Mt. Ararat + without first making the ascension. Publications: The Log of the Ark. + Ambition: No more floods, or a larger crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: + Care of the Editor. Clubs: Yacht. Epitaph: De Profundis. + </p> + <p> + NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor union + weapon. His invention also made possible the premature discharge of + dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + O + </h2> + <p> + O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born in Dublin, + raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed in Dublin. Dublined in + Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition connects his name with the early stages + of the home rule bill. Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. Recreation: + Oratory. Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: Green. + </p> + <p> + O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still bragged about. + </p> + <p> + ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made it a crime to + wear the color named after him on the seventeenth of March. (See St. + Patrick.) + </p> + <p> + ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. Practised in + obscurity, and later appeared before large audiences. Made several + successful concert tours. Married Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. The + bride did not wear shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. O. + descended to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian + ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise to get out of + the place without looking around to see what other respectable people were + there. O. started for the door. He heard familiar voices and rubbered. + That ended the contract, and for all the editor has been able to ascertain + Eurydice is there to this day. + </p> + <p> + OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that all fossils + should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men who got that story into + print. Recreation: Medicine. Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He Practised, But + Not What He Preached. + </p> + <p> + OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell in love with + one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were married. Mrs. Othello lost one + of her favorite handkerchiefs and was killed by her enraged husband. + Shakespeare, of England, a writer, heard of the incident and made some + money out of it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + P + </h2> + <p> + PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who wore long red + hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, and broke pianos. + </p> + <p> + PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven perch by Poe. + </p> + <p> + PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. Born half a + man and half a goat. Took after the latter. Studied music under the old + masters and outfluted Apollo. Was also a sheep fancier. Fathered fife and + drum corps. Ambition: A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. Recreation: + Hunting and falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: Musical. + </p> + <p> + PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, believed in + fairies, and crowded houses in England and the United States. + </p> + <p> + PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a government, + starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, and made speeches for a + living. Girlhood spent in developing muscle, pluck, and theories. She + appeared before the public and declared that the liquor traffic would be + terminated when women voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the men + would not give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry, although + she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. "Votes for Women" in + the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the "next." Publications: From the + Cradle to the Ballot. Windows I have Smashed. Address: London. Care + Scotland Yard. + </p> + <p> + PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break things. + </p> + <p> + PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss. + </p> + <p> + PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's wife named + Helen. A city in France has been named to do him honor. + </p> + <p> + PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries and Ulster. + Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully explode dynamite in + Parliament without being executed. Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, a + Conservativeless England. Address: Close to the English ministry. Epitaph: + The Bills Men Introduced Live After Them. + </p> + <p> + PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an opera stage. + </p> + <p> + PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until he came to + the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A subway station in Paris + has been named after him. + </p> + <p> + PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of Ireland with + the exception of those in bottles. Also introduced the brogue and the + shamrock into the Emerald Isle. + </p> + <p> + PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the United States. + There he took up the hod-carrying business. Went on the stage and set the + world laughing. He also entered politics, captured the American police + force, and, together with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great Britain + and the United States. + </p> + <p> + PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. Epitaph: Cum + Grano Salis. + </p> + <p> + PEAR,(8) the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps the people + of England clean for a penny a week. His business is international with + the exception of Glasgow and Italy. + </p> + <p> + (8) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does not use soap. + </p> + <p> + PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the north pole and + convinced a few people. Was also forced to write a book and lecture. + Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a + certain man had not made him get all the way there the last time. Grave: + The Cook incident. + </p> + <p> + PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats boxes. An + Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, built the slow, old + town of Philadelphia, and hung up the American Liberty Bell. + </p> + <p> + PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. Secured his + reputation through brains, a voice, and a well-oiled political machine. + Started the golden age of Greece with a loud blast of the horn of plenty. + </p> + <p> + PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of chocolate + making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it into America. Ambition: + More children and people with sweet teeth. + </p> + <p> + PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent bookkeeper, and + a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has taken his name. Ambition: A + new key. Recreation: Oiling hinges. Address: Golden gates. + </p> + <p> + PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also the father of + Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, cigarette factories, and made a + handsome mummy. + </p> + <p> + PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his suit, + endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit and the armada were + left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an old maid. Ambition: To the + Inquisition with all Englishmen. Motto: Faint heart never won fair lady. + Address: Spain. + </p> + <p> + PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have saved your + hair. + </p> + <p> + PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out of + advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who believed what they + read. + </p> + <p> + PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held accounts against + many people. Caused considerable worry to his creditors. + </p> + <p> + PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers more + careful of what they said. His invention has secured wealthy husbands for + many a pretty and poor stenographer. + </p> + <p> + PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat. + </p> + <p> + PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. Also the + manufacturer of a morning beverage. + </p> + <p> + PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you wanted to + wear your new hat or go to a ball game. + </p> + <p> + POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and cold chills. + </p> + <p> + POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity to get out + of this book. + </p> + <p> + POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.) + </p> + <p> + POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer. Began + expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and the Orient. Returned + to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors. He is supposed, however, to + have visited the countries, as he produced a pair of chop sticks, a + Chinese laundry, and some Japanese lanterns. These were accepted as proofs + by the University of Venice. Ambition: The north pole. + </p> + <p> + POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have been a peach. + Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make the dances at Versailles a + success. Ambition: Plenty of hair. Recreation: Versailles. Address: See + Louis. Clubs: Anti. + </p> + <p> + POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and invented + soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along. + </p> + <p> + PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the doctrine of + To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never convicted. Ancient records state + he invariably had an excuse for present inactivity, but would promise + results the following day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put off + everything except Death, and even did his best to keep him away as long as + possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To accomplish + to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day. Recreation: Always before + business. Address: Nobody knows. Clubs: Many. + </p> + <p> + PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey encumbered + with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some hairbreadth escapes, was + stuck in the mud, but finally returned and became respectable like all + other Englishmen. + </p> + <p> + PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician who did not + starve, and who gave the classical name "La Faniculla del West" to the + plain "girl of the golden west." + </p> + <p> + PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel. P. also is + responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by porters. + </p> + <p> + PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children, even if he + did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life. Traveled in several European + countries and spoke all the best-selling languages. His name has been + given to a serious London publication. + </p> + <p> + PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after they were + dead. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Q(9) + </h2> + <p> + (9) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have been famous. + </p> + <p> + QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything when he came + around. + </p> + <p> + QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some desperate conquests + for his lady-love, and was defeated by a windmill. In all his defeats, + however, he showed to the world that a laugh cuts deeper than a sword, and + that satire would kill where a lance could not penetrate. The word + quixotic is used to his commemoration. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + R(10) + </h2> + <p> + (10) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the R's who have + been famous. + </p> + <p> + RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands with Queen + Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of the pipe into England + and the plug into Ireland. + </p> + <p> + RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial mountains, + statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be named after him. + </p> + <p> + RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made it worth + money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some expensive paintings, + and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his studio. Ambition: Churches with + larger walls. Recreation: Painting, art, and canvas weaving. Address: All + galleries. + </p> + <p> + RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the newspapers. + To be invited to her salon meant that you would get plenty to eat, that + you were somebody, that you would see somebody, and that you would have to + wear your Sunday clothes. Her R. S. V. P.'s were always accepted. R. + finally lost her money, and with it her friends. Ambition: The man of the + hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It. + </p> + <p> + REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old ladies and + Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon himself by filling a + museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing paintings. + </p> + <p> + REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many pretty + stenographers(11) sit. + </p> + <p> + (11) Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the machine. + </p> + <p> + REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre like Who Was + Who should be used for ballast. + </p> + <p> + RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased South Africa. + </p> + <p> + RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by a stone. + He rusted to death. + </p> + <p> + RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis XIII, and + disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham. + </p> + <p> + RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to stop, but + cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. Recreation: Visiting his + hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. Clubs: Does not need any. + </p> + <p> + ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of doing to his + enemies what most politicians would like to do to theirs. Was finally + voted out and down. + </p> + <p> + ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction simply because + some people were sufficiently clever to do things before his name could be + pronounced. + </p> + <p> + ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his camel + through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building churches and + colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all millionaires, he was born + penniless. R. worked hard, helped the missions out of his $3 a week, + married, and purchased some oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in a + trust. Then he began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of + business. As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could + make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the latter portion of + his life dodging subpoenae servers, and doubling his fortune by the + dissolution of his business. Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less + competition. Also another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, the + coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of competition. Address: + Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., when he can spare the time from his + legal and congressional investigations. + </p> + <p> + ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have the fun of + spending it. He was a good boy, and told other young men how fortunate + they were in being born poor and all about the fungus which grows on the + root of all evil. Never knew what a good time he could have with his Dad's + coin in Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: Sunday school. + Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old ones. Clubs: Y. M. + C.A. + </p> + <p> + RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European and + American galleries with statues at a price which would have made Mike + Angelo a billionaire. + </p> + <p> + ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter who + gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English Channel. Later hit + a snag in the Orient. + </p> + <p> + ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true love ended + in a cemetery. + </p> + <p> + ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home life and in + building Rome. + </p> + <p> + ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent, The Outlook, + "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, interview giver, museum + collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, dee-lighted, "MYSELF," mooser, hunter, + band-wagon driver, band-wagon, Panama canal, rough rider, circus leader, + circus, down-with-rafter, and a former retired and retiring president of + the United States. When a young man he spent his father's money by going + to college, shooting lions, and raising a large family. During the + Spanish-American War he employed a troop of rough riders, stormed San Juan + Hill, and got into the newspapers. Made up his mind he would stay there. + R. became governor of New York State with ambitions. Being a wealthy man, + and capable of contributing to the cause of the Republican party, he was + elected vice-president of the United States. A hand other than his own + made him president. Here his newspaper career really began. R. first + opened a three-ring circus in the White House, wore a rough rider hat, and + told the country what a great president he was. The voters believed him, + and did not object to four years more. During this administration R. + successfully advertised himself, the family, started the Panama Canal, and + appointed one William Howard Taft (see Poor Bill) his successor. R. then + traveled through Africa with a magnificent body guard of photographers and + newspaper men. After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe + and told the king how to king and the emperors how to emp. Returning to + the United States he placed his hand in state politics. Fingers were badly + burned. When it came time to elect another president, R. was tired of + scene shifting and yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up + his loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international Harvester + Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a second Moses who was + destined to lead the children of America out of the Land of the Frying Pan + into that of the Fire. With a mighty army of politicians, who also wanted + to get back, R. started his campaign with such a huge band he could not + hear any others. The fight was based on telling the voters how easily they + had been deceived four years earlier in what he had told them concerning + that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by the greatest majority in history + until the ballots were hatched. Later he joined the ranks of William + Jennings Bryan. Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: To get back into + Who's Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster Bay for + newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same as Bryan's. + </p> + <p> + ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as much + money. + </p> + <p> + ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will always escape + the police. + </p> + <p> + RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently changed, and + therefore painted fat people without their clothes. + </p> + <p> + RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes caused pain + after a visit. + </p> + <p> + RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with modern + subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was spent in a + steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. He was crowned in a + bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown, the + crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony. Seldom + goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his + subjects. In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing. + Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing death + warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by the servants. Send + letters care St. Petersburg police department. Clubs: Army. Epitaph: It Is + A Wonder He Did Not Have This Long Ago. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + S + </h2> + <p> + SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses in the + world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is still in + Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested. + </p> + <p> + SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and spends + his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered by France. Was + an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at Washington. S. was + assisted in early life by a number of men who took an interest in him. + When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later became on + excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization business. Succeeded. At + the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe attack of internal + indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the trust-raising + business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a + European power, but had to take care of the children after the incident. + S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former, although once in + awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long hair, high hat, a suit made + out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had bad manners, and used much slang. + Publications: Bank notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address: + Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.) + </p> + <p> + SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he + rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady. + Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide + by pushing a temple on himself. + </p> + <p> + SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of + those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and + sufficient brains to make money with it. + </p> + <p> + SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough money + and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked. + </p> + <p> + SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the + cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until + election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him. + </p> + <p> + SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by + Mark Twain, and became a good salesman. + </p> + <p> + SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful in + advertising himself and his town. In England he is Schwepps. + </p> + <p> + SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French Republic and + T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips with his wife and children. + Clubs: Mother's. + </p> + <p> + SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been beautiful, + who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose less attractive + sister got the better of her. + </p> + <p> + SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting the national + characteristics. His critics claim this was the reason he failed in + business. Wrote some books which are read by students and persons + possessing much time. + </p> + <p> + SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran second to + the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited in European + galleries. + </p> + <p> + SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer. + </p> + <p> + SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who introduced the + marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain. + </p> + <p> + SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the ignominy of + reaching the desired point by the shortness of rations, but he was near + enough to become a profitable author and lecturer. + </p> + <p> + SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at Stratford-on-Avon. When a + young man he amused himself by poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, + and being the village pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to + London, a city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said to + have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His fame later + arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s birthplace is now one + of the tourist sights of the world. More post-cards are sent from this + town than from any of its size in Europe. The church where he lies buried + has an immense floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon + for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in Elizabethan + theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The World. Epitaph: (Has been + obliterated.) + </p> + <p> + SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of clean + heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen into disrepute in + that country, but is sometimes practiced in other lands. + </p> + <p> + SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who made money + by being honest enough to tell people what they knew. S.'s enemies claim + he would have to work should his theories be put into practice. Believes + in socialism and wants everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, + and divided opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England. + Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards. + </p> + <p> + SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains against the + brainiest man who ever lived. She lost. + </p> + <p> + SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark. + </p> + <p> + SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and giving a + terse definition of war. + </p> + <p> + SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person feels wealthy + while at the table and poor afterward. + </p> + <p> + SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers whose + family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better job for her husband. + Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have time for any, and thus could not be + a suffragette. + </p> + <p> + SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the diplomatic + game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent home. Occupation: + Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country without diplomats. Address: + Home. + </p> + <p> + SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory. + </p> + <p> + SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the exception of + an encounter with a confectioner near the fair grounds. The man operated + his business on a cash basis. Simon was broke and no sale was consummated. + </p> + <p> + SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff. + </p> + <p> + SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out salvation for the + bald and envy to women. + </p> + <p> + SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the first lobster. + </p> + <p> + SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world. + </p> + <p> + SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide. + </p> + <p> + SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon who + established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he + developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender age + he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his + acumen. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city + and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular songs. His + proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife and an end to + those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also + was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here + Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All. + </p> + <p> + SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents. + Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and had + a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never at + home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked + home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with + his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life. Address: + Home. + </p> + <p> + SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons + between march compositions. + </p> + <p> + SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated from + monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the + fittest. + </p> + <p> + SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain and + the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent, + incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in his + incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much + Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s + first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech maker + and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print led to + the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting. + Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation: + Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string + of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and Hope.) + </p> + <p> + SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to + the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her + head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices and + looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this + direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of + adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were + not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except + herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they + belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued + parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on + behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! The + World Does Move And She Was "Agin It." + </p> + <p> + SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor of + New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office in + order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins + will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers. + Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will, But The + Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + T + </h2> + <p> + TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president of the + United States who worshipped the trusts, the Constitution, the Supreme + Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter resulted in his + election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and + let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and another + ran away with the election. Principal events during T.'s administration: + Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard Oil, That election. + Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to Congress. Address: + Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A + Thankless Predecessor. + </p> + <p> + TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper. + </p> + <p> + TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front row + did. + </p> + <p> + TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a charging + brigade. + </p> + <p> + TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might + always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend. + </p> + <p> + THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a + wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only + got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden. + Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who + ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada + and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: Straightening + jackets. Address: See this morning's paper. + </p> + <p> + THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon. + </p> + <p> + THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of + the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse. + </p> + <p> + THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his misfortunes + and the curiosity of the world. + </p> + <p> + TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job. + </p> + <p> + TIFFANY,(12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices + into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires. + Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good margin. + Ambition: A man in love. + </p> + <p> + (12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an + actress. + </p> + <p> + TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very + unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind to + the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women, and + placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of + tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem. + </p> + <p> + TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P. Rubens + he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes. + Recreation: He never had any. + </p> + <p> + TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular with + the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause + consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could + paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models. + </p> + <p> + TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark. + </p> + <p> + TOM. (See Richard and Harry.) + </p> + <p> + TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town, village, + and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate States. His + history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match which kindled + the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not + Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in 1861. + </p> + <p> + TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought + post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages, and + then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look at + everything. Address: Principally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, + They Vanished. + </p> + <p> + TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the + longest siege in history to make her elope back again. + </p> + <p> + TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas. + </p> + <p> + TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner + speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh. + </p> + <p> + TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers. + </p> + <p> + TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be divulged + for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical mangers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + U + </h2> + <p> + UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving + to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the + Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has + become profitable. + </p> + <p> + ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege of + Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped from + Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole in his + eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away + from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however, + recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn. Press + Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca. + </p> + <p> + UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama who + walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had something + to do with the high cost of tariffing. + </p> + <p> + UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + V + </h2> + <p> + VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was + appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in + every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V. + </p> + <p> + VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads, much + of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for Newport and + newspapers. + </p> + <p> + VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with + portraits and his tonsorial achievement. + </p> + <p> + VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes. + </p> + <p> + VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and had + to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted at sea. + Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an affair + with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her + old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years. + Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: Love. Address: + The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was too good + looking to be a suffragette. + </p> + <p> + VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor + to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two or + three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty Titian. + </p> + <p> + VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists. + </p> + <p> + VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after + the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner he + succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See + Columbus.) + </p> + <p> + VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking + machine. + </p> + <p> + VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His + reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence. + Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for + purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper. + </p> + <p> + VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid. + </p> + <p> + VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for + protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her + thumbs. + </p> + <p> + VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey + trot. + </p> + <p> + VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth. + </p> + <p> + VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had a + career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + W + </h2> + <p> + WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the + opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices + appeared. + </p> + <p> + WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until + you appeared. + </p> + <p> + WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories. + </p> + <p> + WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping + trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and being + brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United States, + said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided he was + not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has been widely + distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle Sam. + Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs: Anti-Ananias. + </p> + <p> + WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black + man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory. He + also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being coons. (See + Uncle Tom.) + </p> + <p> + WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes. + </p> + <p> + WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the + invention of investigating committees. He died famous. + </p> + <p> + WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language + itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by + saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short. + </p> + <p> + WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to + say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier + makes a poor politician. + </p> + <p> + WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of + dreadnaughts. + </p> + <p> + WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker. + </p> + <p> + WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris, + made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was + caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan prince. + W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her + and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition: + Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will There Be + Another Like Her? + </p> + <p> + WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages. + </p> + <p> + WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business. + </p> + <p> + WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No + relation to the following. + </p> + <p> + WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational + institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few + cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address to + Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but + whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be + determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt and + Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain exercises, + thinking, Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: + Pedagogue, Mexican. + </p> + <p> + WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's + little tummie. + </p> + <p> + WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal + Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many + grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess. + </p> + <p> + WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his profession, + became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by Shakespeare. + </p> + <p> + WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the + inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two + in the air. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + X(13) + </h2> + <h3> + (13) Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for the X's. + </h3> + <p> + XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his country. He + died young. + </p> + <p> + XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Y + </h2> + <p> + YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. Football, pipe, + and bulldog fancier. + </p> + <p> + YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an emaciated + condition. + </p> + <p> + YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the United + States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he became a strong + anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. Utah increased in population + and was admitted as a state. After building a great temple, dedicated to + Hymen, he died, leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: See + Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: Utah. Clubs: + Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Z + </h2> + <p> + ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen was more + profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised Utopia. Recreation: + Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. Clubs: A. O. H. + </p> + <p> + ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the greatest book + ever written. + </p> + <p> + ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an aeronaut + who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. Ambition: The elevation of + the German army. Recreation: Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: Air. + Clubs: Aero. + </p> + <p> + ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm countries. He + also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their kind + attention. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHO WAS WHO: 5000 B. C. TO DATE *** + +***** This file should be named 984-h.htm or 984-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/8/984/ + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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