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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/984-h.zip b/984-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..19d696e --- /dev/null +++ b/984-h.zip diff --git a/984-h/984-h.htm b/984-h/984-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e5cb6b --- /dev/null +++ b/984-h/984-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4123 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Who Was Who 5000 B. C. To Date, by Anonymous + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Anonymous + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date + Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be + +Author: Anonymous + +Editor: Irwin L. Gordon + +Release Date: August 10, 2008 [EBook #984] +Last Updated: January 15, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHO WAS WHO: 5000 B. C. TO DATE *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + WHO WAS WHO<br />5000 B. C. TO DATE + </h1> + <h2> + Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Edited by Irwin L. Gordon + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> NOTE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> ABBREVIATIONS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> OBITUARY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> BIOGRAPHIES </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> A </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0006"> B </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> + C </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> D </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> E </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0010"> F </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> + G </a> <br /> <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> H </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> I </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0014"> J </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> + K </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> L </a> + <a href="#linkm"> M </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> N + </a> <br /> <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> O </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> P </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0020"> Q </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> + R </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> S </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> T </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0024"> U </a> <br /> <br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0025"> V </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> + W </a> <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> X </a> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Y </a> <a + href="#link2H_4_0029"> Z </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + NOTE + </h2> + <p> + THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons who can + produce proper evidence of their demise will be admitted to Who Was Who. + Press Agent notices or complimentary comments are absolutely excluded, and + those offering to pay for the insertion of names will be prosecuted. As + persons become eligible they will be included without solicitation, while + the pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant. + </p> + <p> + Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or endeavored + to become famous. In a work of such magnitude errors occasionally occur. + Should this be the case, the editor will be glad to receive corrections + from the ex-celebrities or their enemies. These will be accepted gratis. + Proofs will be sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be able + to order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting to the + publisher. + </p> + <p> + The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United States and + Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be fought. + </p> + <p> + The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have furnished + material for this book. He also trusts they will show their good feeling + by purchasing a copy, and that all the unfortunates will speedily be + returned to Who's Who. + </p> + <p> + THE EDITOR. <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ABBREVIATIONS + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A1.......... Can open charge account. + A. B........ Four years hard sentence. + A. M........ When we get up. + Cit......... Common people. + C. O. D..... No credit. + Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and + investigation purposes. + D. D........ Be careful of your jokes. + Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile. + D. H........ Pull. + D. T........ Delirium tremens. + Ets......... The rest of us. + F. R. A..... Brains. + F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home. + G. O. P..... Hic jacet. + Hon......... Speaker of the occasion. + H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid + gloves. + I........... Roosevelt. + Incog....... Prominent men in Paris. + IOU......... Hard luck. + Ire......... Mother of politicians. + LL. D....... American millionaires. + M. P........ Home rule debaters. + Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate. + P. M........ When we go to bed. + R. A........ Any kind of a painter but a cubist. + Rep......... See G. O. P. + R. I. P..... See following pages. + Sir......... Writers and tea merchants. + U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OBITUARY + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A. + Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress. + Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust. + Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City. + Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark. + Dewey, George E., of U. S. N. + Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico. + Din, Gunga, of Kipling. + Dreyfus, Captain, of France. + Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic. + Gorky, Maxime, of Russia. + Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco. + Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey. + Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London. + Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle. + Huerta, V., General of Mexico. + Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London. + Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A. + Lloyd-George, David, of England. + Manuel, King, of Portugal. + Pankhurst, Mrs., of England. + Patti, Adelina, of Wales. + Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr. + Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia. + Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook." + Shackelton, Earnest, of England. + Shuster, Morgan, of Persia. + Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall. + Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A. + Time, Father, of Everywhere. + Turkey. + Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City. +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + BIOGRAPHIES + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A + </h2> + <p> + ADAM(1) (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and inaugurator + of history. Biographers differ as to his parentage. Born first Saturday of + year 1. Little is known of his childhood. Education: Self-educated. + Entered the gardening and orchard business when a young man. Was a strong + anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. Children, Cain and Abel + (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but eventually fell prey to his + wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost favor of the proprietor of the garden, and + failed in business. A. started a number of things which have not been + perfected. Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: Chess, agriculture. Address: + Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of all exclusive clubs. + </p> + <p> + (1) Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that position out + of respect. + </p> + <p> + ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden with his + parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a sheep raising business. + Finally had a row with his brother, and was knocked out in the first + round. + </p> + <p> + ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City, Jerusalem, + vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and control the pawn-broking, + diamond, theatrical, and old clothing markets. Camel and sheep merchant. + Considerable land was willed him. A. prospered. Married Sarah (last name + unknown). Marital infelicity followed, A. having an affair with Mrs. + Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the family lived happily + ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people. Recreation: Riding, tennis, + camel racing. Address: Caanan. Clubs: Country. + </p> + <p> + ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando Francesco, of the + Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion of his life taking care of his + name, climbing mountains, fighting Turks, and denying rumors regarding his + marriage. + </p> + <p> + ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a bath, but + forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of the siege of Troy. + Died before receiving pension. + </p> + <p> + AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his childhood except + that he was fond of dogs and played with the cat. Later he made animals + his life's study. A. discovered the zoological principal that a turtle can + run faster than a rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. + Publications: Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece. + Clubs: Zoological Societies. + </p> + <p> + ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a genii with + which he could secure anything an American millionaire or actress can now + purchase. + </p> + <p> + ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system for + removing the financial interests of the country from the common people and + placing them in the hands of the few. + </p> + <p> + ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job. + </p> + <p> + AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in the year + 1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable journey through the + Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he became an author and lecturer. + Publications: The South Pole. Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the U. + S. Later A. retired and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more poles, + a few more books. + </p> + <p> + ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt. + </p> + <p> + ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever lived. In the + height of a brilliant stage career she fell in love, and decided that a + quiet home with a husband and children was more to be desired than the + empty plaudits of the crowd, and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies. + </p> + <p> + ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in Italy, but + named after Irish relatives. At school he showed his talents by making + cartoons of the teachers. These were unappreciated. Moved to Florence, + where he bought some chisels, brushes, and saw his first model. A. + remained a bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a brilliant + church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to give an + exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made permanent. Also made a + fortune erecting tomb-stones for the Medici family, leading politicians of + his time. It is difficult to leave Italy without seeing much of his work. + A. never favored the cubists or post-impressionists. Recreations: + Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome. + </p> + <p> + ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and could not + forget what he saw. + </p> + <p> + ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her husband to spend + the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, her humor terminating at + Versailles when she advised a mob to eat cake during a bread famine. Her + wit was unappreciated. Ambition: Anything but October 16, 1791. + Recreation: Versailles; looking through a grated window. Address: + Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris. + </p> + <p> + APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his statues, + patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table water named in his + honor. Career: See longer and less respectable biographies. A. was the + first person to sing to the accompaniment of a musical instrument, but he + was a good singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel, archery. + Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical. + </p> + <p> + ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood milking cows + and embroidering. When the English ministry began operations in France J. + dropped her embroidery in the milk bucket and began suffragetting. She did + not break windows or blow up anything. Gathered a host of males about her + and captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, but again had + to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and burnt up by the Radical + ministry. She burned an old maid. Recreation: Barn dances, churning. + Clubs: Orleans Suffragette. + </p> + <p> + ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece. + </p> + <p> + ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, and + themselves out of the government jails. + </p> + <p> + ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history with a bad + odor attached to it. + </p> + <p> + ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured the Round + Table, and did all the things a good English king should do. Little is + known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was crowned in Westminster Abbey, but + without the American contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed + away from the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was a + wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing. Address: + Windsor, Buckingham. + </p> + <p> + ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in his country + before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was also a favorite rallying + point for suffragettes. Led a successful wing-dipping expedition against + some of his countrymen who held titles to names and property. Also juggled + dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George). Ambition: Women without + ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address: Constantly in danger of a + change. Clubs: Favored Radical. + </p> + <p> + ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts with nurses + and cooks, spends his time boasting about South Africa and the U. S. A., + posing for motion pictures, and exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ as + to his marksmanship, although it is now conceded he can often hit a + man-sized target at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, + must be clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea. + Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, Kipling, + blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities. Ambition: + Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket bath-tubs, and + restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See Emperor William. + </p> + <p> + ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a preacher. Edited a + huge book which bears his name. + </p> + <p> + AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered for crossing + a river, for being murdered, for murdering somebody, for making speeches, + or building triumphant arches or ruins. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + B + </h2> + <p> + BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. His first + appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic father. Education: At + home. Career: A series of adventures. Was frequently ill, a poor sleeper, + toy demolisher, throat exerciser, nurse distractor, and a general + nuisance. Despite his shortcomings he ruled Home with an iron hand—a + tear caused a doctor—a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: Principally + liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair pulling, a proud + father. Address: See Mother. + </p> + <p> + BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good fellow, and + the founder of the "morning after" feeling. Studied vine raising when a + young man. Discovered that grapes were not intended for a food. Invented + the greatest pleasure and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became a + traveler. Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland, + everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the United + States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe in France, and + vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. Recreation: Paris. Address: Greece. + Clubs: All, except W. C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The Throats Of His + Countrymen. + </p> + <p> + BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare. + </p> + <p> + BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood + and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel when quite young. First + visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every path, hired + every guide, and did everything a tourist should so. His field of travel + widened until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the United + States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he slept in every + hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every wine, rode on every + boat, tramway, subway, and train; visited every ruin, museum, art gallery, + church, store; mastered every language, science, art, literature, custom, + history, and drew maps and plans of everything. Publications: Baedekers. + Recreation: Staying at home. Ambition: Tourists. Residence: Germany. + </p> + <p> + BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the talking forces + of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition seats on both sides of the + house, and an epitaph over the home rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's + golf and writing deep books. + </p> + <p> + BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which may be + discussed in respectable company. + </p> + <p> + BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went to sleep. + </p> + <p> + BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness. + </p> + <p> + BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early days in the + fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided in cellars. John had a + red nose. Was a great friend of Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he is an + "iser," and he will be a "will be-er." Ambition: The end of temperance + societies. + </p> + <p> + BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, the clown, + and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show he taught that some + Americans were Progressives part of the time; that other Americans were + Republicans all the time, but that all Americans were not Democrats all + the time. + </p> + <p> + BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was a great + friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at Versailles a success. + She always preferred marcel waves to pompadours. Ambition: To have and to + hold. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette. + </p> + <p> + BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron of gold + mine investors and American tourists in Europe. + </p> + <p> + BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of wives, before + Reno was discovered. + </p> + <p> + BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the suit of a + love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through heaven, and made + arrangements for his travels in the other place. B. died a famous old + maid. Ambition: A lover with money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. + Dante Had She Wanted To. + </p> + <p> + BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller. + </p> + <p> + BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and nuisance. + Started the saying, "Number, please." + </p> + <p> + BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to be + correct. + </p> + <p> + BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks into Europe. + Also gave his name to benedicts. + </p> + <p> + BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in everything. + </p> + <p> + BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born before birth + records were inaugurated, and no historian has been able to determine her + age. Career: On the stage at four months. During her young-woman and + goodlooking days-hood B. is said to have made a hit with European + nobility. In her declining years she made a few other fortunes in the + United States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, perfumes, + perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. Ambition: The + fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, acting. Address: Private cars and + 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. She also has a telephone. + </p> + <p> + BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American boy. He began + his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the plains of the West, and + ended it shooting glass balls for a fortune in a tent. Installed the + I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy ambition in the hearts of young America. He also + made a goatee and a big hat famous. Played the show market a little too + long. + </p> + <p> + BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, and made + people laugh. + </p> + <p> + BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any Ireland has ever + produced. He built an empire, crowned an emperor, changed the Frenchmen in + Alsace-Lorraine into Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work overtime for + his country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in Germany. + </p> + <p> + BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered. + </p> + <p> + BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy of + navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English Channel without + being seasick. + </p> + <p> + BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also was not the + only German general who ever fought France. + </p> + <p> + BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him). + </p> + <p> + BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. Being an old + maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the parrot or the cat. Her + endeavors were confined to horses, and one of her paintings is considered + fair. + </p> + <p> + BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never fought a + battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted campaigns in Great + Britain and the United States, with brass bands and collection devises. + The army later became a suffragette institution when women were admitted + as recruits, and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter + collection forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers and + troopesses. + </p> + <p> + BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor). + </p> + <p> + BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your bank account + and told how you paid your bills. His complimentary comments are highly + valued. + </p> + <p> + BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it without + being fined or driven out of business. + </p> + <p> + BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by espousing the + cause of the negro. This resulted in his body moulding in the grave. + </p> + <p> + BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure of life by + springing into print when young, and keeping out of it when old. + </p> + <p> + BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are deciphered by the + Bostonese and cultured English people. It has been estimated that B. could + say more with fewer words and conceal his meaning better than any writer + since the adaptation of the alphabet as a means of expression. + </p> + <p> + BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were easily + understood, and consequently seldom read. + </p> + <p> + BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease in his + pantaloons than for his head. + </p> + <p> + BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer. + </p> + <p> + BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a newspaper + and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists claim B. formed a + passion to rule the nation when a child. He only got as far as the + Democratic party and platforms. Became a golden orator with a silver + speech and offered himself as a rectifier of all things not Bryan. For + ages his name was placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. + Made a fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also toured + the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. Was the father of + Bryanism, an odious word meaning things Bryan. Later secured one Wilson to + attend to Washington detail work. Motto: All things come to him with bait. + Ambition: Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, a + newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail forwarded from + Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again. + </p> + <p> + BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and weakness. He + showed the world the excellence of two colors, and caused many a man to + lose the keyhole. + </p> + <p> + BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned reformer. + Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and referendum. Nailed + several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in his platform. After B.'s death + his friends filled the Orient with his bronzes. He was fat and wore a + fascinating wart on his forehead. + </p> + <p> + BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who inhabits a + suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North Atlantic. Born several + hundred years ago and is beginning to show his age. Is fond of the sea and + is said to have a fine fleet. This has had off years, notably 1812. B. has + had trouble with a son who wishes to leave the paternal protection. Is + fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, the Pankhurst family, and + thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly social organization known as the + Royal Family, or a reception committee for American heiresstocracy, which + also dedicates buildings, poses for stamps, post-cards, motion pictures + and raises princesses of Wales for magazine articles and crowning + purposes. B. is a monitor of English style; wears a monocle, spats, 'i + 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and never makes his appearance without a + cawld bawth. He detests the word "egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, + seeing through all jokes but himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. + Recreation: Tea, Week Ends. Address: Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, + Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See Emperor William Again. + </p> + <p> + BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love poems about + his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable feats—making poetry + in the Scotch language, and finding a girl in Scotland who was as + beautiful as his lines declare. + </p> + <p> + BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has remained the + same size and age for the past eight years. + </p> + <p> + BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to get away + from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and wrote poems. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + C + </h2> + <p> + CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great politician + who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics as the leader of the + Gang. Was active in military affairs. Became a fair general despite his + poor service training. Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army + and capturing Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland + or Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally included + Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with the voters, but had + trouble with the Senate. Wrote books and paid his debts. Was finally + attacked by a few vested-interest senators, and stabbed by a chum. The + murderer was caught, but escaped the gallows. C. was honored with one of + the finest funeral orations over delivered over a corpse. He was also + awarded a few triumphant arches. Publications: Omnes Gallia est divisa in + tres parses. Ambition: Rome: Address: Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, + Vestal. Was also a member of the Society for the Protection of Roman + Ruins. Epitaph: Veni, Vidi. + </p> + <p> + CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag. + </p> + <p> + CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House of + Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. occupied the chair, + and tenderly protected poor railroads and trusts from the unkind remarks + of congressmen who knew things and him. Was finally retired from the chair + by the Democrats, and from Congress by his constituents. Grave: 1912 + election. Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty days once + more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P. + </p> + <p> + CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean could wave + at him. + </p> + <p> + CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which wears a + crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: Northern Spain. + </p> + <p> + CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government tobacco + factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician rescued her. Went + on the stage. Has appeared in most of the cities throughout the world, + made love to several singers, and then been killed by a bull fighter after + singing her way through five acts. + </p> + <p> + CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old American + who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace buildings, and + advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman he scotched his three + dollars a week and purchased the steel trust. Later retired. Ambition: + Universal peace with all dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a library + in every town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn the root of all + fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address: University + commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland. + </p> + <p> + CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble. + </p> + <p> + CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the Victor + Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or a sore throat, a + condition which assisted materially in filling the house. Like all his + contemporaries, C. has been sued for divorce and breach of promise, has + lost his jewelry, visited zoological gardens, sung for charity, given + farewell concerts, and done other things to help his newspaper and + box-office reputation. + </p> + <p> + CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was successful for + a time in the U. S. + </p> + <p> + CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see Pollux). + </p> + <p> + CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce American-Irish + politics into South America. Acquired a fortune, which was greatly + increased by a personal friendship with the American asphalt trust. Was + revolutioned a few times, and finally escaped with the mint and his life. + Career: Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York police + force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ? + </p> + <p> + CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the Treasury, + who had different ideas of taxation. + </p> + <p> + CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his business. Has + navigated more people than all the Atlantic liners combined. Ambition: A + launch. Recreation: None. Address: The Styx. + </p> + <p> + CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the English + language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known work is used as a + student puzzle in leading universities and colleges. Ambition: A + typewriter and a dictionary. + </p> + <p> + CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed clothes, + and made chop suey until he had enough money to return to his native land, + purchase a few wives, and live in opium. + </p> + <p> + CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living. + </p> + <p> + CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living. + </p> + <p> + CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in politics. + Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement. + </p> + <p> + CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two sisters in + society. Historians have questioned her claims to fame, but they may + easily be substantiated by millions of children. + </p> + <p> + CLAUS, Santa, poor father. + </p> + <p> + CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a threadless + needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was unsuccessful in her love + and naval affairs, and finally became a mummy through the auspices of an + adder. Ambition: An Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: + Barging with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid. + </p> + <p> + CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and ambition. + Spent the early portion of their lives gathering cash, and the later in + spending it. Were welcomed by many people, but never quite reached the + top. Both died trying to get there. Ambition: An English nobleman in the + family. Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. Address: See + Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they wanted. + </p> + <p> + COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. Great smoker, + and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers. + </p> + <p> + COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat burnings. + </p> + <p> + COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have been born in + Genoa. Something made him believe the world was round. He endeavored to + secure money to prove his theory, but nobody cared whether he was correct + or not. Realizing there was no capital or prophet in his own country, he + took passage to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into equipping an + expedition for him to discover America. She did and he did. Ambition: To + keep New York City in the family. Recreation: Deck shuffle-boards, + dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: Palos Yacht. + </p> + <p> + COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when we were + taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. Recreation: Tea. + Ambition: An invitation to dinner. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. C. and + taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do things backward. + He also was the founder of ancestor worship. This still is practiced in + England, but never in the United States or Australia. Recreation: + Fireworks. Ambition: A Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More + Majorum. + </p> + <p> + CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" in all + history books. + </p> + <p> + COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at a tender + age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and in the management of + the house. When she departed there was weeping, and wailing, and waiting. + Diet: Usually large and everything of the best. Ambition: An American + policeman, or Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: The whole + house. + </p> + <p> + COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich Islands and who + took the first Cook's tour around the world. + </p> + <p> + COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered the north + pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.) + </p> + <p> + COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating travel + literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save you money. Owns and + operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. Publications: The Come On Books. + Ambition: Those Americans who want to see everything. Also "first timers." + Address: Any foreign city equipped with tourists. + </p> + <p> + COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his father save + money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in Paris. + </p> + <p> + COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in building a + reputation. + </p> + <p> + CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion fighter of + the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a good word. Many + persons wish he might be the Corbett he used to be. Ambition: A white + champion. + </p> + <p> + CORELLI,(2) Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful love scenes. + She is said to have written some books which brought her fame and royalty. + C. does not approve of society except her own. She remains secluded with + her typewriter at Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only being seen by her + publishers and the editor. Publications: See book stores and railway + stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All anti-suffragette. + </p> + <p> + (2) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the next + edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations of book + reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen into the "was" + class. The editor never contradicts a book reviewer. + </p> + <p> + COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the world which + did not take up collections or give away Christmas dinners. + </p> + <p> + CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world to see all + the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column for his employers. + </p> + <p> + CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy without + trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market. + </p> + <p> + CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of Irish parents. + From childhood he practiced the art of politics, which resulted in his + gaining the friendship of the New York police force. C. was elected. C. + was very poor. Later retired to his native land with two Atlantic liners + filled with salary. Ambition: An Irish president. Recreation: English + Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York Democratic. + </p> + <p> + CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, and went + about England tearing down churches. He also assisted in putting King + Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in England on a reform-Cromwell + basis, and after his death was honored by having his round head placed as + a decoration over Westminster Hall. + </p> + <p> + CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. Visited a + sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked to parrots; found + some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned to England to become an + author. + </p> + <p> + CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one at least + once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to mischievous tricks. It + was he who made kings fall in love with poor country girls; chauffeurs + with their ladies, and beggars with princesses. C. held all men and women + equal provided they were good, and he made the happiest people on earth + when they listened to his voice. He witnessed several international + engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants gave him a black + eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some roads he made very + rough, but C. always was a good guide. At times he caused pain, but he + said it never was his fault. When C. stayed in a house the sun was always + shining. You should be at home when he calls. Ambition: That sigh. + Recreation: Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. Clubs: None. He prefers + the fireside and moonlight nights. + </p> + <p> + CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print without + being a suffragette or an actress. + </p> + <p> + CZAR. See Russia. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + D + </h2> + <p> + DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat of remaining + in a fiery furnace without his family applying for the insurance. + </p> + <p> + DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, lover, and poor + politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but used too much slang. Later + fell in love. The girl (see her) knew what journalists were, and refused + to spoon. Exasperated, he began a bombardment of poetry. That settled it. + D. then entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix with love and his + business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished. Traveled in Italy in + the interests of safety. Posed for his bust while suffering with a bad + attack of dyspepsia. Publications: Poems, tragedies, and comedies (?). + Ambition: To be Beatrice's Romeo. Recreation: Travel. Address: II via + Dante, Florence. Seldom at home. + </p> + <p> + DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution. + </p> + <p> + DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the world that + a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of the truly brave who + did not receive a Carnegie advertisement. + </p> + <p> + DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered that many + men looked like their progenitors, and proved his theories with the + exception of one link. The clergymen claimed that a chain with one link + missing was no chain, and that D. was a nature faker. Publications: Origin + of Species, a valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the currency + bill. + </p> + <p> + DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and rescued + little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.) + </p> + <p> + DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion sling shot, + and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army as a volunteer, and was + awarded medals for his attack upon Goliath. Appointed musician to the + royal household. Became friendly with the Prince of Wales and succeeded in + doing him out of the coronation. Later was elected king. Fell in love with + Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her husband a conspicuous + position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol. Publications: Psalms. + Recreation: Slinging. Address: Jerusalem. + </p> + <p> + DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a lifetime, usually + toward the close. Patron of insurance companies. Nothing is known of his + childhood. Historians claim he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; wore + a sheet over his head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. Never + brought happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to some one. + Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. Many doctors and + scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he continues to be a safe bet + at 100 to 1. Heir: None. Ambition: A happy home and prosperous graveyards. + Recreation: Sharpening scythes. Address: Always hung out a black cloth + wherever he resided. + </p> + <p> + DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also accompanied Samson on + a number of European and American opera expeditions. + </p> + <p> + DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where the cost of + living has ever been high. He introduced the French menu into the U. S. + and with it considerable indigestion. + </p> + <p> + DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker. + </p> + <p> + DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in France. + </p> + <p> + DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator from the + state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, dedicated monuments; + married a young wife, and was relegated to obscurity by the American + voters. + </p> + <p> + DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more than her + clothes. + </p> + <p> + DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract a royal + press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary. + </p> + <p> + DEVIL, see Old Nic. + </p> + <p> + DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without which no cold + day is complete. + </p> + <p> + DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed a Spanish + armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a nation; had cigars named + after him; appeared in Who's Who; was paraded through the streets; married + a widow; moved to Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, and got out + of the newspapers. + </p> + <p> + DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, and the chase + without the conventionalities of a society hunt. Address: Ephesus. + </p> + <p> + DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who departed + from the social functions of a king to assist the government. Legends + prevail to the effect that he patterned his actions on a + Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was requested to move. Ambition: A + revolution with himself on top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty + years in the White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me. + </p> + <p> + DICE, see Thomas and Harry. + </p> + <p> + DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the messenger boys + and embryo criminals. His biography formed an important part in the lives + of the boys who never visited the Carnegie libraries. + </p> + <p> + DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote. + </p> + <p> + DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. Employed in H. R. + H. service in India. Wore few clothes. Fought in many battles. Frequently + gave bad water to soldiers. Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was shot while in + the act. Saved the government the price of a medal. His pathetic story was + widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the U. S. and Great + Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the story. Ambition: To + come back like Sherlock Holmes. Recreation: Sleep. Address: Care of + biographer. + </p> + <p> + DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored to find + something with a lantern which could not even be located with a + searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. Recreation: Cleaning globes. + Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible. + </p> + <p> + DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to run England. + </p> + <p> + DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by persons who + forged his name. + </p> + <p> + DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off their hats, + shout, and whistle when he rode into town. + </p> + <p> + DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies. + </p> + <p> + DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed the world + how easily some people were deprived of their money and religion. + </p> + <p> + DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public square named + after him. D. also introduced the spud into Ireland. + </p> + <p> + DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and intended doing + something to-day. Spent much time thinking about the best girl in the + world. A great friend of Procrastinator. Went through life waiting for + to-morrow. Several men, however, with the same name, have awakened and + given their dreams to the world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth). + </p> + <p> + DREW, John, prehistoric American actor. + </p> + <p> + DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail by being + one of the few innocent men who got into print. + </p> + <p> + DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good layer on. + </p> + <p> + DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an early age + and never recovered, despite the services of specialists. + </p> + <p> + DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to open a + charge account. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + E + </h2> + <p> + EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most expensive + sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, tourists. Address: Rochester + and London. Clubs: Camera. + </p> + <p> + EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made millions by + telling the world there was no such thing as the toothache, sea-sickness, + or hitting your thumb with a hammer. + </p> + <p> + EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the exception of + the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor. + </p> + <p> + EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who was wise + enough to stop before he got too high. + </p> + <p> + EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When a young + man he became a benedict, a condition in which he remained until well + along in years. As fast as a queen appeared at the breakfast table with + her hair down her back, she was dispatched to the block. A couple of + queens got ahead of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces as + Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later years he + competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A harem. Recreation: + Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: Windsor. + </p> + <p> + ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece to the + British Museum. Also had something to do with the interior of watches. + </p> + <p> + ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). Later he went + somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a chariot driver. + </p> + <p> + ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the boys. E. + reigned when people did things. She was wooed and lost by an Armada (see + Philip II). She finally walked over Raleigh's coat, and later wiped her + feet on him. E. had a sister by the name of Mary, who was better looking, + and less fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced into + England. Other and less important events of her reign were: Shakespeare, + Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: She did not have any. + </p> + <p> + ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books. + </p> + <p> + EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town of Italy; a + king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust his affairs to a + brainier man, and was thus made famous (see Girabaldi). + </p> + <p> + EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers to conquer + the world. Several have failed. Also advised the practical theory of + hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived before the time of the taxi. + </p> + <p> + EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and that + pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive hotels and eat only + in high-class restaurants. Many suffer with the gout. A popular cat foot + was named in his honor. + </p> + <p> + ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of breakfast food. + </p> + <p> + ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain of the + book, married the hero, and lived happily ever afterward. + </p> + <p> + EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as far back as + 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the shortest distance between + two points is a crow's flight, and that two parallel lines always compete. + </p> + <p> + EVE, see Mrs. Adam. + </p> + <p> + EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich husband after + the fashion of books. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + F + </h2> + <p> + FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did not fit his + religion. + </p> + <p> + FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to ascertain + whether the weather is warm or cold. + </p> + <p> + FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his younger + days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have applied himself to + school or business. Found fault with life and everybody, but was never + wrong himself. Unpopular. A great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, + and the poor house. Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The + other fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. Clubs: + None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really Tried. + </p> + <p> + FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French government + for seven years. One of the most distinguished of the vast collection of + ex-presidents now scattered over the world. + </p> + <p> + FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk. + </p> + <p> + FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron saint of + French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores changing the cut of + ladies' clothes and the shape of their hats. Created some awful looking + things. F. made the poor men work very hard to keep up to her. + Publications: Editor of all Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, and + New York City. Epitaph: (Would that she had one.) + </p> + <p> + FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love during his second + young manhood, traveled in a warm country, and sang his way to fame. + </p> + <p> + FAWKES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in Parliament + without introducing home rule or suffrage bills. + </p> + <p> + FINN, Huck, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom). + </p> + <p> + FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub the black + spot from the ring. + </p> + <p> + FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing. + </p> + <p> + FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with the men. She + appeared in all large cities with the best looking chorus that ever wore + tights. F. created such a sensation that every living actress of note is + willing to be classified as a former member of her company. Had a + miserable cigar named after her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York City. + Epitaph: There Were Not Many Like Flora. + </p> + <p> + FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty days for a + big sale. + </p> + <p> + FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an unintelligent woman + and one who never could understand. Followed his natural bents, even as + you and I. Wasted several years. Wept profusely. End unknown. Recreation: + Vampires. Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with brains. He + discovered that lightning was composed of electricity, that politics paid + better than printing, and that the French Court was more lively than the + Continental Congress. + </p> + <p> + FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics. + </p> + <p> + FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but he came + around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know of your success, + pitied you in your failures, and shook you by the hand when you were down + and out. Never borrowed money, but he frequently lent it. Was a wise + counsellor. Very popular. His name was frequently given the baby (see + Mischief). Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At the other + fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or his own. Clubs: All. + </p> + <p> + FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as the only woman + in the history of mankind who admitted her old age. + </p> + <p> + FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a fortune for + the Cunard and White Star lines. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + G + </h2> + <p> + GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as the agent for + the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to move. Historians claim he + will again be in Who's Who when St. Peter (see him) makes the inventory. + Ambition: Larger lungs. Recreation: Aviation. + </p> + <p> + GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait manufacturer. + </p> + <p> + GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by declaring the + world revolved when everybody knew it was stationary. Manufactured the + first spy-glass, an instrument which has since been used in theatres and + for various other purposes. Also discovered that clocks were equipped with + pendulums. + </p> + <p> + GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when out of + office. + </p> + <p> + GARDEN,(3) Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera stage. Legend + has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a child. This was expensively + cultivated in Europe, was later exposed before English and American + congregations, and her Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes packed the + houses. Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants a husband + with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera houses and suppers. + Residence: Principally Atlantic liners. + </p> + <p> + (3) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. + </p> + <p> + GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea party. He + espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor), and successfully + Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every town in his country, ran + second to V. E. in the number of statues erected to his appearance, and + for three years held the championship for eating spaghetti. + </p> + <p> + GARRICK, an old English matinee idol. + </p> + <p> + GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun. + </p> + <p> + GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when mortally + wounded. + </p> + <p> + GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in general, and + one Walpole in particular, to run England. + </p> + <p> + GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars. + </p> + <p> + GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign of William + Pitt, and believed in taxing tea. + </p> + <p> + GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our contemporary + Who's Who). + </p> + <p> + GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician. Entered + politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes. Was a modest member + of the House of Commons, seldom speaking more than four times on any bill. + Kept climbing until he became under secretary of something, order keeper + of the Board of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent position in the + Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home rule millstone, and + hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A dynamite-proof house, a tax on air. + Recreation: (see Asquith). Address: Front row House of Commons. Clubs: + Anti-conservative. + </p> + <p> + GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old inhabitants + before the market was so wet. + </p> + <p> + GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which cuts + barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to clean. + </p> + <p> + GIRL, The Chorus, Um! + </p> + <p> + GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model. + </p> + <p> + GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England, chopped + trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with the Irish home rule. + </p> + <p> + GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book which + everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then re-reads it when + the doors are locked. In the United States a law has been passed + compelling booksellers to include a bottle of disinfectant whenever a G. + book is sold. Ambition: A publisher who is not afraid of the police. + Recreation: Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs: Always + blackballed. + </p> + <p> + GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book. + </p> + <p> + GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited at the + Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight. + </p> + <p> + GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words rhyme. + </p> + <p> + GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in one round by + a lightweight. Defeat attributed to overconfidence. Friends said nothing + like that had ever entered his head. + </p> + <p> + GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism, but who + adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale. + </p> + <p> + GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who told some + awful untruths to the innocent. + </p> + <p> + GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest writer who + ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At the age of fourteen began + shaving and wearing long trousers. At twenty-one G. was considered of age. + Began writing while a child. Penmanship so poor he took to the typewriter. + Wrote Who Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some one did. + Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.) Recreation: + Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when financially able. Other times + in one of those confounded newspaper offices. + </p> + <p> + GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the government + and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of the United States + accompanied by another man's wife. Learned that this was not the usual + custom in America. His managers and hotel proprietors requested him to + continue his travels. Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people. + Publications: Much unpatriotic literature. + </p> + <p> + GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line of which is + remembered by everybody. + </p> + <p> + GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who never was + bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he worked. Historians claim + this was due to his poor salary. + </p> + <p> + GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some distance from + Land's End. + </p> + <p> + GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of decapitation, + who had such confidence in his invention that he was the first to give it + a practical demonstration. + </p> + <p> + GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never submitted his + proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a gullible public. Never + lectured. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + H + </h2> + <p> + HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating before he + was abdicated. + </p> + <p> + HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy family. + </p> + <p> + HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and called it + homeopathy. + </p> + <p> + HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark. + </p> + <p> + HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion promiser, and a + sick man. When a youth he began instructing the monarchs of Europe in the + use of a government. One of his favorite pastimes was reading ultimatums. + Fearless until a warship entered the harbor, and even then usually got rid + of it with promises. Employed massacres to break the monotony of reigning. + Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk cushions. Some of H.'s + younger subjects though he should be ostlerized (see Dr. Ostler). They + gave him his harem and salary, and locked him up in a palace. Then the + wise ones lost Tripoli and about everything but sleeping room in Europe. + Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on the job. Recreations: + Private entertainments. Address: Harem. Epitaph: Everybody Worked But + Father. + </p> + <p> + HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also founded the + foolish questions. + </p> + <p> + HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high prices, + and buildings upon certain communities. + </p> + <p> + HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote a few + other airs. + </p> + <p> + HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.) + </p> + <p> + HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American university near + the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., where football players and + the sons of American millionaires eke out an education. + </p> + <p> + HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his patients had + blood which circulated. The discovery has since been of some profit to his + successors. + </p> + <p> + HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his name. Sold + American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other varieties to the world. + </p> + <p> + HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches (also see + Napoleon). + </p> + <p> + HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, and + exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It is said the poem + has been parodized. + </p> + <p> + HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty or death. + From all that can be ascertained he secured the latter. + </p> + <p> + HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic games and + laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which are even questioned by + the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed about everybody, erected two pillars, + stole some apples, and, in short, did everything but enter politics or + invent a breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. Recreation: + Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs: Athletic. + Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen. + </p> + <p> + HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to death simply + for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a great American poet used + bad taste in writing the biography of such a man. + </p> + <p> + HICHENS,(4) Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah. Experimented with + belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and multitudes of readers hope he + will remain there for some time to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: + Filling his fountain pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the + Publisher. Home: Sicily. + </p> + <p> + (4) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day, and is + compelled to make the biography flattering. + </p> + <p> + HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a celebrated rain + storm. + </p> + <p> + HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and went to + Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was heard by great + crowds. Produced statistics to show how few saloons failed after a + lecture. + </p> + <p> + HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured inexpensive + literature and theatres. This fired his mind to eliminate Scotland Yard as + a crime-detecting agency. Entered the profession of a detective, but was + unknown until Doctor Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was then + made. All the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he only + told what he knew about society—! H. solved the most complicated + mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle, and was only baffled in + locating the murderer of Cock Robin. His name struck terror into the + hearts of criminals and competing publishers. After all the criminals in + England had been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the great + H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in time to see + his murderer knighted. Now at work on the suffragette case. Ambition: + Another Dr. Watson. Recreation: Fond of Doyle's works and the violin. + Address: 31 Baker Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: Au + Revoir, But. + </p> + <p> + HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began career as a + reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for incompetence, and took + up honest writing. Found a publisher who thought his writings would sell + to posterity. Later H. took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war + correspondent for the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. + Ambition: Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and + school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth Estate. + </p> + <p> + HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a wolf which + had previously partaken of a relative. + </p> + <p> + HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the rich and + gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for stories. + </p> + <p> + HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for Harvey's + discovery. + </p> + <p> + HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near relation of + Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and gave her name to the + world. She was the first woman to manufacture ideals, and has been made + the patron saint of the suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went about + making life worth while. She was loved by all those millions of lovers and + all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do things. Ambition: + The discouraged. Recreation: Success. Address: Perhaps she has resided in + your home. + </p> + <p> + HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who sang and drank + of the Falernian wine. + </p> + <p> + HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the Tiber + without getting stuck in the mud. + </p> + <p> + HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever lived. + Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his picture and ran + long articles about his life, family, eccentricities, etc. Won fame in + war, science, pulpit, aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, + finance, by saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were + infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful women. Made + addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He was the man everyone + wanted to shake by the hand so they could tell other people they had done + it. Ambition: Another hour. Recreation: Basking. Address: All countries. + Clubs: All open. + </p> + <p> + HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ extra + telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He also was + responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation." + </p> + <p> + HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large cities, showed + his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the villain, packed up, and + moved to the next town. + </p> + <p> + HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened newspapers. + Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only controlling a few + newspapers. He soon purchased others. His magical touch changed their + color. Employed the greatest staff of imaginary geniuses ever gathered + together. These men had the ability to write unhampered by mere details or + facts. H. also employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. + Fortified by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and + newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. Was always + Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan. Recreation: Reading + yellow journals. Address: All large American cities. Epitaph: The Vote Is + Mightier Than The Pen. + </p> + <p> + HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.) + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + I + </h2> + <p> + IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words to rhyme at + the ends of the lines. + </p> + <p> + ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first tumble. Selected + water as the spot for his fall, and was not picked up with the debris. + Ambition: A Wright machine. Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece. Clubs: + Aero. + </p> + <p> + IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life except that he + built a celebrated fort to protect the poor Cossacks from the molestations + of the populace. Was probably blown up or died in prison. + </p> + <p> + INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within the reach of + authors and artists. Historians claim he would have made another fortune + had he lived when the sun-dial trust had its own way. + </p> + <p> + INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not believe in + anything, and made a fortune by telling people what he believed. + </p> + <p> + INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome. + </p> + <p> + IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited Westminster + Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few biographies. + </p> + <p> + ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.(5) Spent his childhood + like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca, claimed by historians to + have been a Jewess. Had two famous sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but + especially the latter). Died at the tender age of 180 years. + </p> + <p> + (5) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity He did his + best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed. + </p> + <p> + ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her clothes until + the Moors were driven from the country. Her husband, the king, raised an + army and accomplished the feat. I.'s name is sometimes connected with the + discovery of America. This, however, is an error, as Columbus took a more + active part. + </p> + <p> + ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing. + </p> + <p> + ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his father's estate. + Traveled extensively in the desert with his mother. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + J + </h2> + <p> + JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water carrier. + Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in the valley. (See + Jill.) + </p> + <p> + JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother of Esau. Was + mother's pet. Became proficient as a character impersonator, but never + went on the stage. Left home suddenly. Slept on a stone and had hard + dreams. Later married, and was responsible for Joseph and his brethren. + (See Joe.) + </p> + <p> + JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm. + </p> + <p> + JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and appeared in + paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, the author, and the + publisher. + </p> + <p> + JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be elected king + of England. + </p> + <p> + JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage. + </p> + <p> + JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark. + </p> + <p> + JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory. + </p> + <p> + JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his gloves and + bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.) + </p> + <p> + JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own medicine. + </p> + <p> + JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the face of the + earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of such men as Eugene Sue + and Lew Wallace. + </p> + <p> + JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident + occurred. + </p> + <p> + JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like all rich men, + he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and entered the market. + Formed the camel trust and cornered the real estate market. The market + tumbled and so did J. Family troubles also distressed him. His camels died + of the colic or were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard luck he + patronized the temple, and believed while there was money it could be had. + Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, and ended his + days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the New York Stock market; + death to his comforters. Recreation: Sackcloth and ashes. + </p> + <p> + JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of the + world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne made + even a colored gentleman a "waser." + </p> + <p> + JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press + agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. Also wrote. + </p> + <p> + JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for taking a rough + trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he was the jonah. Swam until he + was tired, and finally made a morsel for a fish. Tradition has it that J. + was tough and indigestible. He remained three days and three nights in the + interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable annoyance when he + exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam ashore, and thanked his lucky + stars for his indigestibility and the illness of his rescuer. His story + was published. Still causes some comment. Tradition also says that J. + never could look a fish in the face after the harrowing incident. + Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. Address: Sodom. Clubs: + Alpine. + </p> + <p> + JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor. + </p> + <p> + JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture post-card. + </p> + <p> + JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and was only + prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of the place. + </p> + <p> + JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a young man he + became his father's favorite, while his brethren had to do the heavy work. + Wore a loud coat. This aroused the ire of his brethren, resulting in Joe + being sold as a slave, and in the coat being sent to the cleaners. J. + journeyed to Egypt, where he refused to elope with the Pharaohess. Her + husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in prison, and afterward + made him the royal butler. Years passed. A famine occurred in Judea. Joe's + brethren came down to Egypt to lay in provisions. There they were + confronted by the coatless Joe, who thanked them for the good luck they + had thrust upon him. + </p> + <p> + JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart + which was broken by the ambitions of a man. + </p> + <p> + JUDAS, suicide. + </p> + <p> + JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first name. + She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband, although + she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a few hundred + years, displaying her domestic infelicity. + </p> + <p> + JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love on a + balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a splendid + sale. (See Romeo.) + </p> + <p> + JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and a regular + Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: Killing giants, + disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: Olympia. + </p> + <p> + JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently + erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales with + a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other. Her statues + in other countries are said to be different, although occasionally the + little statues are found in the pans. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + K + </h2> + <p> + KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; a German + of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, considerable + comment in England, and much applause in his own country. Was also a naval + constructor. Born of royal parents. Inherited his father's position. At a + tender age he formed a passion for an army. Like all royal children, he + had his own way. His plaything has grown steadily, is in fine condition, + but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. His later years were + spent in making additions to the fleet, but for what purpose even the + wisest sages could not guess. K. was also honored by a visit from T. + Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his exhibition through Europe. It is said he + could not learn anything from his adviser. Heir: The crown prince. + Ambition: His army applied to the socialists. Recreation: Army. Address: + Army. Clubs: Army. + </p> + <p> + KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account + of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding without + the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as gold. Was + strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New + York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians + are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached. + Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from business. + Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U. + </p> + <p> + KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and heartfelt + commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More grapes. Recreation: A + flask, books, and a Persian "thou." Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What + He Preached. + </p> + <p> + KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure which + several people have been sure they could locate. Was said to have been one + of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship. + </p> + <p> + KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and accomplishments. + </p> + <p> + KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted. + </p> + <p> + KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the kirk into + Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate. + </p> + <p> + KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made England scrub + up. + </p> + <p> + KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell concert. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + L + </h2> + <p> + LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. He was such + an attentive listener and heard so much that the leading cemetery in Paris + was named in his honor. + </p> + <p> + LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of tears to + place smiles on paper. + </p> + <p> + LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable talent. + Ambition: Those old time lovers. + </p> + <p> + LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. Together with + his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered with a bad attack. + Address: Vatican, Rome. + </p> + <p> + LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had a brow like + a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in Scotland to whom Burns + did not write a few poems. L. was engaged to be married; no record of the + ceremony can be found. + </p> + <p> + LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to become a + mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on Irish questions. + Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except in the south of Ireland. + Address: Parliament. This will probably hold good for several editions of + Who Was Who. Clubs: Conservative, of course. + </p> + <p> + LAW,(6) Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused ancient whose + life and story has been written by malicious biographers. In reality L. + was a kind soul who invited us to dinner, permitted the gas to be turned + down, and always knocked before she came into the room. Later she wiped + the dishes, took care of her grandchild (see Baby), helped pay the bills, + and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she had. Ambition: Daughter. + Recreation: Our house. Address: Our house most of the time. Clubs: + Suffrage. + </p> + <p> + (6) Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the accuracy of + the above. + </p> + <p> + LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler. + </p> + <p> + LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also Jupiter, Castor, + and Pollux. + </p> + <p> + LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal saucerers + to the king. + </p> + <p> + LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her debut. Also + was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. Ambition: To find another + widow. + </p> + <p> + LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her with a good + song. + </p> + <p> + LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead long enough for + historians to make him famous. Ambition: Song, women, and wine. + Recreation: Wine, women, and song. Address: Several in Brussels. Epitaph: + Quantum Mutatus Ab Illo. + </p> + <p> + LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes Italy and + Poland to the United States. + </p> + <p> + LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising cheese. + </p> + <p> + LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with Shamrocks, + and one of the men of his race who did not enter politics or the police + force. Ambition: That cup. + </p> + <p> + LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, and played + the piano. + </p> + <p> + LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects for the sale + of this book. + </p> + <p> + LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides herself when + the tourist goes down the Rhine. + </p> + <p> + LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband. + </p> + <p> + LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which became + practical. She also was considered one of the salt of the earth. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's into France. + Put the "is" in Paris. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron of cafe's. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. Continued the works + of his predecessors. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work of his + predecessors. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. Started + pre-tango dancing. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French menu. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and dressmakers into + Paris. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. Fought the Turks + and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought 7,000,000 francs worth of + him. Was awarded his halo for work in the Crusades. Not a patron of his + ancestors. Very unpopular in Paris. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. Very popular. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear of the + discovery of the United States. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were discovered. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for him. Was a + patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, salon + decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted Paris in acquiring + her reputation. Built Versailles, the Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He was + the man who captured Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon III.) + Motto: I am the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles. + Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. Address: + Versailles. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns of Queens + Pompadour and Du-Barry. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of his + ancestors, but—. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the turkey + trot and the salome dance at Versailles. While his subjects were starving + he ate pate de foies gras. They objected and carried his White Wigginess + to Paris, where he ended his reign. Ambition: To have been any one of his + ancestors, even No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. Address: + Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head Which Wore + A Crown. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long enough to have + the good times of his ancestors, and the only Louis for whom the world has + a word of sympathy. + </p> + <p> + LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who got back on + the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and Napoleon had subsided. + </p> + <p> + LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, lunatic, and + saint. Spent early days only in living. In young manhood he met Her. From + that moment all other hers he had known became lemons. L. was an expert + prevaricator. Polished shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, and never + ate onions. Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas or electric lights. + Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled occasionally. Spent salary + for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. Walked on air. Had a terrible + time keeping away from his friends who wanted him to have a good time. One + night Her looked wonderfully beautiful. L. said some things. He could not + keep quiet. Her blushed, permitted him to sit closer, and then told L. he + was the dearest, sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, bravest lovey in the + wide, wide world. Later L. secured an embarrassing interview and visited a + jewelry store. Diet: Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. + Clubs: None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go. + </p> + <p> + LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /><a name="linkm" id="linkm"></a> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + M + </h2> + <p> + McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver. + </p> + <p> + McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization, frequently + used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the world's championship. + </p> + <p> + MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist. + </p> + <p> + MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a rainy day. + </p> + <p> + MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights. + </p> + <p> + MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a child. Only + calls after supper. Tells the little one he has played enough for the day, + and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. When M. departs the little bundle is + asleep in the nursery or all cuddled up in Mother's lap. Ambition: Sand + for the older folks. + </p> + <p> + MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced Parisian life + into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise young man. Overlooked the fact + that a king may rule a nation, but frequently is a poor press agent. + Became incensed at his army and subjects. Moved in haste. Ambition: Lisbon + and a dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. Address: Watch + bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And His Kingdom Are + Soon Parted. + </p> + <p> + MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could rule a city, + but not a woman. + </p> + <p> + MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women to gaze in + mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day. + </p> + <p> + MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph poles and + wires look foolish. His inventions have made it possible for New York + stock brokers to continue their business while journeying to Paris. + </p> + <p> + MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by making a voyage + with some dead ones. His feat has frequently been duplicated on liners out + of the regular tourist season. + </p> + <p> + MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and the tourist + who dwelt within his canals. + </p> + <p> + MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which tastes too + good. + </p> + <p> + MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom was seen + without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her one day, thus causing + considerable mirth among the pupils. Was severely reprimanded by the + teacher, as it was against the regulations of the institution to permit + animals, other than the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the lamb + to the stable. Her biography has been extensively published. + </p> + <p> + MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" about + himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. Recreation: + Bluebird raising. + </p> + <p> + MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, who + introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a young man he + discovered that the tourists were not paying enough money to see the + sights. With the assistance of some handsomely gowned women he opened a + cafe on the Rue Royal where they could. For years it was patronized by his + countrymen until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists were + permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French cafe, pay + double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, hear champagne + bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. Ambition: Americans. + Recreation: Staying at home. Press Agent: The Merry Widow and the Girl + from Maxims. Epitaph: Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense. + </p> + <p> + MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things to kill + people, and not to financially ruin them. + </p> + <p> + MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered by those + historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for Methodists or + Presbyterians. + </p> + <p> + MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an acute + stage. + </p> + <p> + MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the bottle. + </p> + <p> + MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man goes to his + fate. + </p> + <p> + MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion perquisite. Nothing + like it for your face after shaving. His picture has been widely + distributed, but never admired. + </p> + <p> + MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet and feathers + in his hat. Was also an artist's model. Ambition: A telegraph. Recreation: + Same as the gods. Address: General delivery. + </p> + <p> + METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand. + </p> + <p> + MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was instantly made + the patron saint of France. + </p> + <p> + MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat). + </p> + <p> + MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known by everybody + and the contents by few. + </p> + <p> + MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to bring the + price of champagne to within the reach of millionaires. + </p> + <p> + MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced mormonism into + Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured crescents, religion, and made + Mecca the mecca for everything. Early life spent in business. This did not + pay. He then married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a hobby. + Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his kin. His + salvation army was successful. His prisoners were given the alternative of + a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid damascus blade or Islam. They + always became fervently religious. Later M. embarked on a marrying + campaign with equal success. Publications: The Koran, a treatise on + everything. Ambition: The crescent on every flag. Recreation: Walking + toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 Blvd. Allah, Mecca, + Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him. + </p> + <p> + MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we do not have + to see alone. + </p> + <p> + MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of which + nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the test. + </p> + <p> + MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents in other + lines had Marconi lived before his time. + </p> + <p> + MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all generations. Born in + the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics as the son of Pharaoh's daughter + and the leader of the Ghetto. When M. waxed astute, after the manner of + his people, he discovered there were not sufficient shekels for himself + and countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued the king for + permission to close the pawn shops and clothing stores. Now in those days + the children of Egypt were wont to patronize the bazaars of the children + of the Chosen, and Pharaoh was wroth within himself and refused the + passports. The brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and took ship's + leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches to the Red + Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and his army. M. spilled + the sea on them and marched on. From this time the journey to the Promised + Land was slow. Whether this was due to good business or sore feet history + does not relate. M. later climbed a mountain and received the ten + commandments. After breaking them he returned to camp. He died before the + journey was complete. Publications: Histories. Ambition: A railroad from + Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: Tennis and camel racing. Also enjoyed tent + life. Address: Care of Jewish Legation. + </p> + <p> + MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who came around + when you hit your finger with the hammer. + </p> + <p> + MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to New York + City. + </p> + <p> + MUMM,(7) the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. The products + of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons who cannot afford them. + They form one of the principal ingredients of a good time (see Paris). + </p> + <p> + (7) Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the above stated + facts. + </p> + <p> + MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his books, lectures, + and newspaper interviews have been questioned by scientific men, he is + held in high regard due to his failure to claim the discovery of the north + pole. + </p> + <p> + MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the theory that + while there was life there was a chance to sell some of his medicine. + </p> + <p> + MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + N + </h2> + <p> + NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl on his + forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good luck. Started life + by placing Corsica on the map. Like all great men, he was the dunce at + school. Later he used his masters and prize-winning chums as first-row + soldiers. Entered the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. Frequently amused + himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing a city or an army + between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young man was not without + talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. Then he went after countries. + Captured Egypt, but had trouble with one Nelson of England. N. became + unpopular with his neighbors. They all attacked him. He attacked them all. + That settled it. He ate wars. After the powers were powerless N. scampered + about Europe adding countries to France. He devoured Germany. Went after + Russia, but they made it too hot and too cold for him. Had more trouble + with that man Nelson. Became rich and divorced. Introduced Roosevelt + publicity tactics into France and carried a third term. Started things. + Began quarreling again. At last he was cooped up in Paris, and flew the + white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited France. Started things again. Took + some veterans to Belgium. There he was met by another Englishman by the + name of Wellington who introduced him to Waterloo. For his kindness in + leaving Europe England presented N. with a whole island, a complementary + guard, and paid all his living expenses for six years. Later N. became + responsible for one of the sights of Paris. Always carried his right hand + in the front of his coat. Ambition: A French Nelson, England, and progeny. + Recreation: Walking along the shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At + Sea. Epitaph: I Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine + Among The Few French People I Did Not Take To War. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON II. Absent. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. Ambition: Rough + on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris + when the Dutchmen would permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But No + Bonaparte. + </p> + <p> + NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined away into + a flower and a tiresome song. + </p> + <p> + NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette who believed + the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be sober all the time. + </p> + <p> + NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to spell. + </p> + <p> + NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, wireless, + and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to New York. Recreation: + Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: Yacht. + </p> + <p> + NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought nothing burned + like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire departments a necessity in + the Eternal City. Ambition: A good show in the Colosseum. Recreation: + Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow. + </p> + <p> + NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her husband. + </p> + <p> + NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the theory that it + is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to fall than to climb after + it. + </p> + <p> + NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. Will stick + to you clear to the end. One of those good souls who never fails to give + encouragement and grasp you by the hand when you want to do something you + know you should not do. Was driven from home when a young man. Set up + competition and succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in + existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable opposition. N. + numbers among his friends most of the great people who ever lived. He is + counting on others. Caused much worry to mothers and wives, but seldom + troubled the men. Publications: French literature; some fine books and + pictures. Occupation: Looking for idle hands. Ambition: You. Recreation: + Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's, champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond + of chorus girls. Address: Paris. N. also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad + Infinitum. + </p> + <p> + NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who succeeded without + the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or a license. + </p> + <p> + NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had considerable + to do in preserving the race for we posterity. When a young man he shunned + the ways of young men, and never sat in the seat of the scornful. Studied + shipbuilding on the Clyde and designed the largest floating stable on + record. Made quite a reputation as an animal collector. Took to the sea + when well advanced in years. N. was the first man to descend Mt. Ararat + without first making the ascension. Publications: The Log of the Ark. + Ambition: No more floods, or a larger crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: + Care of the Editor. Clubs: Yacht. Epitaph: De Profundis. + </p> + <p> + NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor union + weapon. His invention also made possible the premature discharge of + dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + O + </h2> + <p> + O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born in Dublin, + raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed in Dublin. Dublined in + Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition connects his name with the early stages + of the home rule bill. Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. Recreation: + Oratory. Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: Green. + </p> + <p> + O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still bragged about. + </p> + <p> + ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made it a crime to + wear the color named after him on the seventeenth of March. (See St. + Patrick.) + </p> + <p> + ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. Practised in + obscurity, and later appeared before large audiences. Made several + successful concert tours. Married Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. The + bride did not wear shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. O. + descended to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian + ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise to get out of + the place without looking around to see what other respectable people were + there. O. started for the door. He heard familiar voices and rubbered. + That ended the contract, and for all the editor has been able to ascertain + Eurydice is there to this day. + </p> + <p> + OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that all fossils + should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men who got that story into + print. Recreation: Medicine. Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He Practised, But + Not What He Preached. + </p> + <p> + OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell in love with + one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were married. Mrs. Othello lost one + of her favorite handkerchiefs and was killed by her enraged husband. + Shakespeare, of England, a writer, heard of the incident and made some + money out of it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + P + </h2> + <p> + PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who wore long red + hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, and broke pianos. + </p> + <p> + PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven perch by Poe. + </p> + <p> + PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. Born half a + man and half a goat. Took after the latter. Studied music under the old + masters and outfluted Apollo. Was also a sheep fancier. Fathered fife and + drum corps. Ambition: A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. Recreation: + Hunting and falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: Musical. + </p> + <p> + PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, believed in + fairies, and crowded houses in England and the United States. + </p> + <p> + PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a government, + starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, and made speeches for a + living. Girlhood spent in developing muscle, pluck, and theories. She + appeared before the public and declared that the liquor traffic would be + terminated when women voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the men + would not give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry, although + she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. "Votes for Women" in + the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the "next." Publications: From the + Cradle to the Ballot. Windows I have Smashed. Address: London. Care + Scotland Yard. + </p> + <p> + PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break things. + </p> + <p> + PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss. + </p> + <p> + PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's wife named + Helen. A city in France has been named to do him honor. + </p> + <p> + PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries and Ulster. + Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully explode dynamite in + Parliament without being executed. Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, a + Conservativeless England. Address: Close to the English ministry. Epitaph: + The Bills Men Introduced Live After Them. + </p> + <p> + PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an opera stage. + </p> + <p> + PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until he came to + the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A subway station in Paris + has been named after him. + </p> + <p> + PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of Ireland with + the exception of those in bottles. Also introduced the brogue and the + shamrock into the Emerald Isle. + </p> + <p> + PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the United States. + There he took up the hod-carrying business. Went on the stage and set the + world laughing. He also entered politics, captured the American police + force, and, together with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great Britain + and the United States. + </p> + <p> + PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. Epitaph: Cum + Grano Salis. + </p> + <p> + PEAR,(8) the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps the people + of England clean for a penny a week. His business is international with + the exception of Glasgow and Italy. + </p> + <p> + (8) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does not use soap. + </p> + <p> + PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the north pole and + convinced a few people. Was also forced to write a book and lecture. + Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a + certain man had not made him get all the way there the last time. Grave: + The Cook incident. + </p> + <p> + PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats boxes. An + Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, built the slow, old + town of Philadelphia, and hung up the American Liberty Bell. + </p> + <p> + PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. Secured his + reputation through brains, a voice, and a well-oiled political machine. + Started the golden age of Greece with a loud blast of the horn of plenty. + </p> + <p> + PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of chocolate + making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it into America. Ambition: + More children and people with sweet teeth. + </p> + <p> + PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent bookkeeper, and + a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has taken his name. Ambition: A + new key. Recreation: Oiling hinges. Address: Golden gates. + </p> + <p> + PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also the father of + Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, cigarette factories, and made a + handsome mummy. + </p> + <p> + PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his suit, + endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit and the armada were + left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an old maid. Ambition: To the + Inquisition with all Englishmen. Motto: Faint heart never won fair lady. + Address: Spain. + </p> + <p> + PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have saved your + hair. + </p> + <p> + PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out of + advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who believed what they + read. + </p> + <p> + PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held accounts against + many people. Caused considerable worry to his creditors. + </p> + <p> + PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers more + careful of what they said. His invention has secured wealthy husbands for + many a pretty and poor stenographer. + </p> + <p> + PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat. + </p> + <p> + PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. Also the + manufacturer of a morning beverage. + </p> + <p> + PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you wanted to + wear your new hat or go to a ball game. + </p> + <p> + POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and cold chills. + </p> + <p> + POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity to get out + of this book. + </p> + <p> + POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.) + </p> + <p> + POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer. Began + expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and the Orient. Returned + to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors. He is supposed, however, to + have visited the countries, as he produced a pair of chop sticks, a + Chinese laundry, and some Japanese lanterns. These were accepted as proofs + by the University of Venice. Ambition: The north pole. + </p> + <p> + POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have been a peach. + Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make the dances at Versailles a + success. Ambition: Plenty of hair. Recreation: Versailles. Address: See + Louis. Clubs: Anti. + </p> + <p> + POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and invented + soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along. + </p> + <p> + PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the doctrine of + To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never convicted. Ancient records state + he invariably had an excuse for present inactivity, but would promise + results the following day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put off + everything except Death, and even did his best to keep him away as long as + possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To accomplish + to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day. Recreation: Always before + business. Address: Nobody knows. Clubs: Many. + </p> + <p> + PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey encumbered + with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some hairbreadth escapes, was + stuck in the mud, but finally returned and became respectable like all + other Englishmen. + </p> + <p> + PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician who did not + starve, and who gave the classical name "La Faniculla del West" to the + plain "girl of the golden west." + </p> + <p> + PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel. P. also is + responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by porters. + </p> + <p> + PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children, even if he + did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life. Traveled in several European + countries and spoke all the best-selling languages. His name has been + given to a serious London publication. + </p> + <p> + PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after they were + dead. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Q(9) + </h2> + <p> + (9) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have been famous. + </p> + <p> + QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything when he came + around. + </p> + <p> + QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some desperate conquests + for his lady-love, and was defeated by a windmill. In all his defeats, + however, he showed to the world that a laugh cuts deeper than a sword, and + that satire would kill where a lance could not penetrate. The word + quixotic is used to his commemoration. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + R(10) + </h2> + <p> + (10) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the R's who have + been famous. + </p> + <p> + RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands with Queen + Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of the pipe into England + and the plug into Ireland. + </p> + <p> + RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial mountains, + statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be named after him. + </p> + <p> + RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made it worth + money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some expensive paintings, + and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his studio. Ambition: Churches with + larger walls. Recreation: Painting, art, and canvas weaving. Address: All + galleries. + </p> + <p> + RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the newspapers. + To be invited to her salon meant that you would get plenty to eat, that + you were somebody, that you would see somebody, and that you would have to + wear your Sunday clothes. Her R. S. V. P.'s were always accepted. R. + finally lost her money, and with it her friends. Ambition: The man of the + hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It. + </p> + <p> + REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old ladies and + Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon himself by filling a + museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing paintings. + </p> + <p> + REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many pretty + stenographers(11) sit. + </p> + <p> + (11) Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the machine. + </p> + <p> + REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre like Who Was + Who should be used for ballast. + </p> + <p> + RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased South Africa. + </p> + <p> + RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by a stone. + He rusted to death. + </p> + <p> + RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis XIII, and + disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham. + </p> + <p> + RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to stop, but + cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. Recreation: Visiting his + hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. Clubs: Does not need any. + </p> + <p> + ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of doing to his + enemies what most politicians would like to do to theirs. Was finally + voted out and down. + </p> + <p> + ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction simply because + some people were sufficiently clever to do things before his name could be + pronounced. + </p> + <p> + ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his camel + through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building churches and + colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all millionaires, he was born + penniless. R. worked hard, helped the missions out of his $3 a week, + married, and purchased some oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in a + trust. Then he began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of + business. As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could + make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the latter portion of + his life dodging subpoenae servers, and doubling his fortune by the + dissolution of his business. Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less + competition. Also another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, the + coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of competition. Address: + Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., when he can spare the time from his + legal and congressional investigations. + </p> + <p> + ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have the fun of + spending it. He was a good boy, and told other young men how fortunate + they were in being born poor and all about the fungus which grows on the + root of all evil. Never knew what a good time he could have with his Dad's + coin in Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: Sunday school. + Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old ones. Clubs: Y. M. + C.A. + </p> + <p> + RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European and + American galleries with statues at a price which would have made Mike + Angelo a billionaire. + </p> + <p> + ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter who + gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English Channel. Later hit + a snag in the Orient. + </p> + <p> + ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true love ended + in a cemetery. + </p> + <p> + ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home life and in + building Rome. + </p> + <p> + ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent, The Outlook, + "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, interview giver, museum + collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, dee-lighted, "MYSELF," mooser, hunter, + band-wagon driver, band-wagon, Panama canal, rough rider, circus leader, + circus, down-with-rafter, and a former retired and retiring president of + the United States. When a young man he spent his father's money by going + to college, shooting lions, and raising a large family. During the + Spanish-American War he employed a troop of rough riders, stormed San Juan + Hill, and got into the newspapers. Made up his mind he would stay there. + R. became governor of New York State with ambitions. Being a wealthy man, + and capable of contributing to the cause of the Republican party, he was + elected vice-president of the United States. A hand other than his own + made him president. Here his newspaper career really began. R. first + opened a three-ring circus in the White House, wore a rough rider hat, and + told the country what a great president he was. The voters believed him, + and did not object to four years more. During this administration R. + successfully advertised himself, the family, started the Panama Canal, and + appointed one William Howard Taft (see Poor Bill) his successor. R. then + traveled through Africa with a magnificent body guard of photographers and + newspaper men. After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe + and told the king how to king and the emperors how to emp. Returning to + the United States he placed his hand in state politics. Fingers were badly + burned. When it came time to elect another president, R. was tired of + scene shifting and yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up + his loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international Harvester + Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a second Moses who was + destined to lead the children of America out of the Land of the Frying Pan + into that of the Fire. With a mighty army of politicians, who also wanted + to get back, R. started his campaign with such a huge band he could not + hear any others. The fight was based on telling the voters how easily they + had been deceived four years earlier in what he had told them concerning + that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by the greatest majority in history + until the ballots were hatched. Later he joined the ranks of William + Jennings Bryan. Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: To get back into + Who's Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster Bay for + newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same as Bryan's. + </p> + <p> + ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as much + money. + </p> + <p> + ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will always escape + the police. + </p> + <p> + RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently changed, and + therefore painted fat people without their clothes. + </p> + <p> + RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes caused pain + after a visit. + </p> + <p> + RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with modern + subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was spent in a + steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. He was crowned in a + bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown, the + crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony. Seldom + goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his + subjects. In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing. + Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing death + warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by the servants. Send + letters care St. Petersburg police department. Clubs: Army. Epitaph: It Is + A Wonder He Did Not Have This Long Ago. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + S + </h2> + <p> + SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses in the + world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is still in + Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested. + </p> + <p> + SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and spends + his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered by France. Was + an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at Washington. S. was + assisted in early life by a number of men who took an interest in him. + When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later became on + excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization business. Succeeded. At + the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe attack of internal + indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the trust-raising + business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a + European power, but had to take care of the children after the incident. + S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former, although once in + awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long hair, high hat, a suit made + out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had bad manners, and used much slang. + Publications: Bank notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address: + Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.) + </p> + <p> + SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he + rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady. + Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide + by pushing a temple on himself. + </p> + <p> + SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of + those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and + sufficient brains to make money with it. + </p> + <p> + SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough money + and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked. + </p> + <p> + SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the + cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until + election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him. + </p> + <p> + SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by + Mark Twain, and became a good salesman. + </p> + <p> + SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful in + advertising himself and his town. In England he is Schwepps. + </p> + <p> + SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French Republic and + T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips with his wife and children. + Clubs: Mother's. + </p> + <p> + SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been beautiful, + who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose less attractive + sister got the better of her. + </p> + <p> + SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting the national + characteristics. His critics claim this was the reason he failed in + business. Wrote some books which are read by students and persons + possessing much time. + </p> + <p> + SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran second to + the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited in European + galleries. + </p> + <p> + SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer. + </p> + <p> + SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who introduced the + marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain. + </p> + <p> + SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the ignominy of + reaching the desired point by the shortness of rations, but he was near + enough to become a profitable author and lecturer. + </p> + <p> + SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at Stratford-on-Avon. When a + young man he amused himself by poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, + and being the village pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to + London, a city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said to + have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His fame later + arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s birthplace is now one + of the tourist sights of the world. More post-cards are sent from this + town than from any of its size in Europe. The church where he lies buried + has an immense floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon + for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in Elizabethan + theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The World. Epitaph: (Has been + obliterated.) + </p> + <p> + SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of clean + heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen into disrepute in + that country, but is sometimes practiced in other lands. + </p> + <p> + SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who made money + by being honest enough to tell people what they knew. S.'s enemies claim + he would have to work should his theories be put into practice. Believes + in socialism and wants everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, + and divided opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England. + Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards. + </p> + <p> + SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains against the + brainiest man who ever lived. She lost. + </p> + <p> + SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark. + </p> + <p> + SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and giving a + terse definition of war. + </p> + <p> + SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person feels wealthy + while at the table and poor afterward. + </p> + <p> + SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers whose + family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better job for her husband. + Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have time for any, and thus could not be + a suffragette. + </p> + <p> + SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the diplomatic + game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent home. Occupation: + Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country without diplomats. Address: + Home. + </p> + <p> + SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory. + </p> + <p> + SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the exception of + an encounter with a confectioner near the fair grounds. The man operated + his business on a cash basis. Simon was broke and no sale was consummated. + </p> + <p> + SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff. + </p> + <p> + SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out salvation for the + bald and envy to women. + </p> + <p> + SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the first lobster. + </p> + <p> + SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world. + </p> + <p> + SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide. + </p> + <p> + SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon who + established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he + developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender age + he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his + acumen. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city + and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular songs. His + proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife and an end to + those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also + was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here + Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All. + </p> + <p> + SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents. + Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and had + a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never at + home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked + home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with + his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life. Address: + Home. + </p> + <p> + SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons + between march compositions. + </p> + <p> + SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated from + monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the + fittest. + </p> + <p> + SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain and + the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent, + incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in his + incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much + Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s + first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech maker + and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print led to + the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting. + Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation: + Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string + of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and Hope.) + </p> + <p> + SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to + the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her + head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices and + looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this + direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of + adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were + not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except + herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they + belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued + parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on + behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! The + World Does Move And She Was "Agin It." + </p> + <p> + SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor of + New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office in + order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins + will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers. + Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will, But The + Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + T + </h2> + <p> + TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president of the + United States who worshipped the trusts, the Constitution, the Supreme + Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter resulted in his + election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and + let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and another + ran away with the election. Principal events during T.'s administration: + Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard Oil, That election. + Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to Congress. Address: + Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A + Thankless Predecessor. + </p> + <p> + TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper. + </p> + <p> + TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front row + did. + </p> + <p> + TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a charging + brigade. + </p> + <p> + TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might + always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend. + </p> + <p> + THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a + wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only + got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden. + Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who + ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada + and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: Straightening + jackets. Address: See this morning's paper. + </p> + <p> + THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon. + </p> + <p> + THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of + the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse. + </p> + <p> + THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his misfortunes + and the curiosity of the world. + </p> + <p> + TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job. + </p> + <p> + TIFFANY,(12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices + into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires. + Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good margin. + Ambition: A man in love. + </p> + <p> + (12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an + actress. + </p> + <p> + TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very + unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind to + the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women, and + placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of + tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem. + </p> + <p> + TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P. Rubens + he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes. + Recreation: He never had any. + </p> + <p> + TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular with + the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause + consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could + paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models. + </p> + <p> + TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark. + </p> + <p> + TOM. (See Richard and Harry.) + </p> + <p> + TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town, village, + and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate States. His + history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match which kindled + the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not + Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in 1861. + </p> + <p> + TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought + post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages, and + then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look at + everything. Address: Principally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, + They Vanished. + </p> + <p> + TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the + longest siege in history to make her elope back again. + </p> + <p> + TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas. + </p> + <p> + TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner + speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh. + </p> + <p> + TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers. + </p> + <p> + TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be divulged + for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical mangers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + U + </h2> + <p> + UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving + to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the + Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has + become profitable. + </p> + <p> + ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege of + Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped from + Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole in his + eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away + from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however, + recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn. Press + Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca. + </p> + <p> + UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama who + walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had something + to do with the high cost of tariffing. + </p> + <p> + UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + V + </h2> + <p> + VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was + appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in + every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V. + </p> + <p> + VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads, much + of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for Newport and + newspapers. + </p> + <p> + VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with + portraits and his tonsorial achievement. + </p> + <p> + VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes. + </p> + <p> + VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and had + to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted at sea. + Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an affair + with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her + old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years. + Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: Love. Address: + The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was too good + looking to be a suffragette. + </p> + <p> + VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor + to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two or + three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty Titian. + </p> + <p> + VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists. + </p> + <p> + VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after + the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner he + succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See + Columbus.) + </p> + <p> + VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking + machine. + </p> + <p> + VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His + reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence. + Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for + purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper. + </p> + <p> + VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid. + </p> + <p> + VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for + protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her + thumbs. + </p> + <p> + VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey + trot. + </p> + <p> + VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth. + </p> + <p> + VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had a + career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + W + </h2> + <p> + WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the + opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices + appeared. + </p> + <p> + WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until + you appeared. + </p> + <p> + WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories. + </p> + <p> + WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping + trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and being + brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United States, + said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided he was + not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has been widely + distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle Sam. + Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs: Anti-Ananias. + </p> + <p> + WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black + man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory. He + also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being coons. (See + Uncle Tom.) + </p> + <p> + WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes. + </p> + <p> + WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the + invention of investigating committees. He died famous. + </p> + <p> + WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language + itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by + saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short. + </p> + <p> + WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to + say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier + makes a poor politician. + </p> + <p> + WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of + dreadnaughts. + </p> + <p> + WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker. + </p> + <p> + WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris, + made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was + caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan prince. + W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her + and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition: + Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will There Be + Another Like Her? + </p> + <p> + WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages. + </p> + <p> + WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business. + </p> + <p> + WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No + relation to the following. + </p> + <p> + WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational + institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few + cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address to + Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but + whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be + determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt and + Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain exercises, + thinking, Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: + Pedagogue, Mexican. + </p> + <p> + WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's + little tummie. + </p> + <p> + WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal + Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many + grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess. + </p> + <p> + WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his profession, + became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by Shakespeare. + </p> + <p> + WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the + inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two + in the air. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + X(13) + </h2> + <h3> + (13) Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for the X's. + </h3> + <p> + XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his country. He + died young. + </p> + <p> + XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Y + </h2> + <p> + YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. Football, pipe, + and bulldog fancier. + </p> + <p> + YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an emaciated + condition. + </p> + <p> + YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the United + States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he became a strong + anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. Utah increased in population + and was admitted as a state. After building a great temple, dedicated to + Hymen, he died, leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: See + Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: Utah. Clubs: + Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Z + </h2> + <p> + ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen was more + profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised Utopia. Recreation: + Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. Clubs: A. O. H. + </p> + <p> + ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the greatest book + ever written. + </p> + <p> + ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an aeronaut + who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. Ambition: The elevation of + the German army. Recreation: Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: Air. + Clubs: Aero. + </p> + <p> + ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm countries. He + also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their kind + attention. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHO WAS WHO: 5000 B. C. TO DATE *** + +***** This file should be named 984-h.htm or 984-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/8/984/ + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Gordon + +Posting Date: August 10, 2008 [EBook #984] +Release Date: July, 1997 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHO WAS WHO: 5000 B. C. TO DATE *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +WHO WAS WHO 5000 B. C. TO DATE + +Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be + +By Anonymous + +Edited by Irwin L. Gordon + + + + +NOTE + +THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons who can +produce proper evidence of their demise will be admitted to Who Was Who. +Press Agent notices or complimentary comments are absolutely excluded, +and those offering to pay for the insertion of names will be prosecuted. +As persons become eligible they will be included without solicitation, +while the pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant. + +Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or endeavored +to become famous. In a work of such magnitude errors occasionally occur. +Should this be the case, the editor will be glad to receive corrections +from the ex-celebrities or their enemies. These will be accepted gratis. +Proofs will be sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be +able to order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting +to the publisher. + +The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United States and +Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be fought. + +The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have furnished +material for this book. He also trusts they will show their good feeling +by purchasing a copy, and that all the unfortunates will speedily be +returned to Who's Who. + +THE EDITOR. + + + + +ABBREVIATIONS + + A1.......... Can open charge account. + A. B........ Four years hard sentence. + A. M........ When we get up. + Cit......... Common people. + C. O. D..... No credit. + Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and + investigation purposes. + D. D........ Be careful of your jokes. + Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile. + D. H........ Pull. + D. T........ Delirium tremens. + Ets......... The rest of us. + F. R. A..... Brains. + F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home. + G. O. P..... Hic jacet. + Hon......... Speaker of the occasion. + H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid + gloves. + I........... Roosevelt. + Incog....... Prominent men in Paris. + IOU......... Hard luck. + Ire......... Mother of politicians. + LL. D....... American millionaires. + M. P........ Home rule debaters. + Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate. + P. M........ When we go to bed. + R. A........ Any kind of a painter but a cubist. + Rep......... See G. O. P. + R. I. P..... See following pages. + Sir......... Writers and tea merchants. + U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson. + + + + +OBITUARY + + Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A. + Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress. + Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust. + Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City. + Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark. + Dewey, George E., of U. S. N. + Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico. + Din, Gunga, of Kipling. + Dreyfus, Captain, of France. + Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic. + Gorky, Maxime, of Russia. + Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco. + Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey. + Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London. + Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle. + Huerta, V., General of Mexico. + Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London. + Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A. + Lloyd-George, David, of England. + Manuel, King, of Portugal. + Pankhurst, Mrs., of England. + Patti, Adelina, of Wales. + Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr. + Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia. + Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook." + Shackelton, Earnest, of England. + Shuster, Morgan, of Persia. + Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall. + Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A. + Time, Father, of Everywhere. + Turkey. + Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City. + + + + +BIOGRAPHIES + + + + +A + +ADAM(1) (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and +inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his parentage. Born +first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of his childhood. Education: +Self-educated. Entered the gardening and orchard business when a young +man. Was a strong anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. +Children, Cain and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but +eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost favor of the +proprietor of the garden, and failed in business. A. started a number of +things which have not been perfected. Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: +Chess, agriculture. Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of +all exclusive clubs. + +(1) Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that position +out of respect. + + + +ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden with +his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a sheep raising +business. Finally had a row with his brother, and was knocked out in the +first round. + +ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City, +Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and control the +pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing markets. Camel and +sheep merchant. Considerable land was willed him. A. prospered. Married +Sarah (last name unknown). Marital infelicity followed, A. having an +affair with Mrs. Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the +family lived happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people. +Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan. Clubs: +Country. + +ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando Francesco, of the +Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion of his life taking care +of his name, climbing mountains, fighting Turks, and denying rumors +regarding his marriage. + +ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a bath, but +forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of the siege of Troy. +Died before receiving pension. + +AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his childhood except +that he was fond of dogs and played with the cat. Later he made animals +his life's study. A. discovered the zoological principal that a turtle +can run faster than a rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. +Publications: Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece. +Clubs: Zoological Societies. + +ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a genii with +which he could secure anything an American millionaire or actress can +now purchase. + +ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system for +removing the financial interests of the country from the common people +and placing them in the hands of the few. + +ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job. + +AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in the year +1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable journey through the +Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he became an author and lecturer. +Publications: The South Pole. Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the +U. S. Later A. retired and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more +poles, a few more books. + +ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt. + +ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever lived. In the +height of a brilliant stage career she fell in love, and decided that a +quiet home with a husband and children was more to be desired than the +empty plaudits of the crowd, and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies. + +ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in Italy, +but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed his talents by +making cartoons of the teachers. These were unappreciated. Moved to +Florence, where he bought some chisels, brushes, and saw his first +model. A. remained a bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a +brilliant church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to +give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made permanent. +Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the Medici family, leading +politicians of his time. It is difficult to leave Italy without seeing +much of his work. A. never favored the cubists or post-impressionists. +Recreations: Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome. + +ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and could not +forget what he saw. + +ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her husband +to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, her humor +terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to eat cake during a +bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated. Ambition: Anything but October +16, 1791. Recreation: Versailles; looking through a grated window. +Address: Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris. + +APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his statues, +patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table water named in +his honor. Career: See longer and less respectable biographies. A. was +the first person to sing to the accompaniment of a musical instrument, +but he was a good singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel, +archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical. + +ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood milking cows +and embroidering. When the English ministry began operations in France +J. dropped her embroidery in the milk bucket and began suffragetting. +She did not break windows or blow up anything. Gathered a host of males +about her and captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, +but again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and burnt +up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid. Recreation: Barn +dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans Suffragette. + +ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece. + +ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, and +themselves out of the government jails. + +ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history with a +bad odor attached to it. + +ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured the Round +Table, and did all the things a good English king should do. Little is +known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was crowned in Westminster Abbey, but +without the American contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed +away from the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was +a wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing. Address: +Windsor, Buckingham. + +ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in his +country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was also a +favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a successful wing-dipping +expedition against some of his countrymen who held titles to names +and property. Also juggled dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George). +Ambition: Women without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address: +Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical. + +ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts with nurses +and cooks, spends his time boasting about South Africa and the U. S. A., +posing for motion pictures, and exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ +as to his marksmanship, although it is now conceded he can often hit a +man-sized target at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, +must be clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea. +Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, Kipling, +blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities. Ambition: +Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket bath-tubs, and +restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See Emperor William. + +ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a preacher. Edited +a huge book which bears his name. + +AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered for +crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering somebody, for making +speeches, or building triumphant arches or ruins. + + + + +B + +BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. His first +appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic father. Education: +At home. Career: A series of adventures. Was frequently ill, a poor +sleeper, toy demolisher, throat exerciser, nurse distractor, and a +general nuisance. Despite his shortcomings he ruled Home with an +iron hand--a tear caused a doctor--a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: +Principally liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair +pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother. + +BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good fellow, and +the founder of the "morning after" feeling. Studied vine raising when a +young man. Discovered that grapes were not intended for a food. Invented +the greatest pleasure and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became +a traveler. Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland, +everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the United +States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe in France, +and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. Recreation: Paris. Address: +Greece. Clubs: All, except W. C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The +Throats Of His Countrymen. + +BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare. + +BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood +and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel when quite young. +First visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every +path, hired every guide, and did everything a tourist should so. His +field of travel widened until every country in Europe was visited, as +well as the United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands +he slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every +wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train; visited every +ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store; mastered every language, +science, art, literature, custom, history, and drew maps and plans +of everything. Publications: Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home. +Ambition: Tourists. Residence: Germany. + +BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the talking forces +of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition seats on both sides of the +house, and an epitaph over the home rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's +golf and writing deep books. + +BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which may be +discussed in respectable company. + +BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went to sleep. + +BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness. + +BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early days in +the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided in cellars. John +had a red nose. Was a great friend of Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he +is an "iser," and he will be a "will be-er." Ambition: The end of +temperance societies. + +BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, the clown, +and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show he taught that some +Americans were Progressives part of the time; that other Americans were +Republicans all the time, but that all Americans were not Democrats all +the time. + +BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was a great +friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at Versailles a success. +She always preferred marcel waves to pompadours. Ambition: To have and +to hold. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette. + +BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron of gold +mine investors and American tourists in Europe. + +BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of wives, before +Reno was discovered. + +BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the suit of +a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through heaven, and made +arrangements for his travels in the other place. B. died a famous old +maid. Ambition: A lover with money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. +Dante Had She Wanted To. + +BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller. + +BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and nuisance. +Started the saying, "Number, please." + +BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to be +correct. + +BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks into +Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts. + +BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in everything. + +BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born before birth +records were inaugurated, and no historian has been able to determine +her age. Career: On the stage at four months. During her young-woman +and goodlooking days-hood B. is said to have made a hit with European +nobility. In her declining years she made a few other fortunes in the +United States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, perfumes, +perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. Ambition: The +fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, acting. Address: Private cars +and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. She also has a telephone. + +BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American boy. He +began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the plains of +the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a fortune in a tent. +Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy ambition in the hearts of young +America. He also made a goatee and a big hat famous. Played the show +market a little too long. + +BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, and made +people laugh. + +BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any Ireland has +ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an emperor, changed the +Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work +overtime for his country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in +Germany. + +BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered. + +BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy of +navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English Channel +without being seasick. + +BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also was not the +only German general who ever fought France. + +BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him). + +BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. Being an old +maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the parrot or the cat. +Her endeavors were confined to horses, and one of her paintings is +considered fair. + +BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never fought a +battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted campaigns in Great +Britain and the United States, with brass bands and collection devises. +The army later became a suffragette institution when women were admitted +as recruits, and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter +collection forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers +and troopesses. + +BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor). + +BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your bank account +and told how you paid your bills. His complimentary comments are highly +valued. + +BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it without +being fined or driven out of business. + +BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by espousing the +cause of the negro. This resulted in his body moulding in the grave. + +BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure of life by +springing into print when young, and keeping out of it when old. + +BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are deciphered by the +Bostonese and cultured English people. It has been estimated that B. +could say more with fewer words and conceal his meaning better than any +writer since the adaptation of the alphabet as a means of expression. + +BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were easily +understood, and consequently seldom read. + +BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease in his +pantaloons than for his head. + +BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer. + +BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a newspaper +and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists claim B. formed +a passion to rule the nation when a child. He only got as far as the +Democratic party and platforms. Became a golden orator with a silver +speech and offered himself as a rectifier of all things not Bryan. For +ages his name was placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. +Made a fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also toured +the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. Was the father of +Bryanism, an odious word meaning things Bryan. Later secured one Wilson +to attend to Washington detail work. Motto: All things come to him with +bait. Ambition: Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, +a newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail forwarded +from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again. + +BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and weakness. +He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and caused many a man +to lose the keyhole. + +BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned reformer. +Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and referendum. Nailed +several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in his platform. After B.'s +death his friends filled the Orient with his bronzes. He was fat and +wore a fascinating wart on his forehead. + +BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who inhabits +a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North Atlantic. Born +several hundred years ago and is beginning to show his age. Is fond +of the sea and is said to have a fine fleet. This has had off years, +notably 1812. B. has had trouble with a son who wishes to leave the +paternal protection. Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, +the Pankhurst family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly +social organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception committee +for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates buildings, poses for +stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and raises princesses of Wales for +magazine articles and crowning purposes. B. is a monitor of English +style; wears a monocle, spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and +never makes his appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word +"egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes but +himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea, Week Ends. Address: +Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See +Emperor William Again. + +BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love poems +about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable feats--making +poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a girl in Scotland who was as +beautiful as his lines declare. + +BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has remained the +same size and age for the past eight years. + +BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to get away +from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and wrote poems. + + + + +C + +CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great +politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics as +the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs. Became a fair +general despite his poor service training. Desired to write a book. +Began by taking an army and capturing Europe and England. He did not +waste his time with Scotland or Ireland. C. made a river famous by +crossing it, and finally included Rome in his history of victories. +Became popular with the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote +books and paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest +senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but escaped +the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest funeral orations over +delivered over a corpse. He was also awarded a few triumphant arches. +Publications: Omnes Gallia est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome: +Address: Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member of +the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph: Veni, Vidi. + +CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag. + +CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House of +Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. occupied the +chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and trusts from the unkind +remarks of congressmen who knew things and him. Was finally retired +from the chair by the Democrats, and from Congress by his constituents. +Grave: 1912 election. Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty +days once more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P. + +CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean could +wave at him. + +CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which wears a +crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: Northern Spain. + +CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government tobacco +factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician rescued her. +Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the cities throughout the +world, made love to several singers, and then been killed by a bull +fighter after singing her way through five acts. + +CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old American +who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace buildings, and +advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman he scotched his three +dollars a week and purchased the steel trust. Later retired. Ambition: +Universal peace with all dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a +library in every town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn +the root of all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address: +University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland. + +CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble. + +CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the Victor +Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or a sore throat, +a condition which assisted materially in filling the house. Like all his +contemporaries, C. has been sued for divorce and breach of promise, has +lost his jewelry, visited zoological gardens, sung for charity, given +farewell concerts, and done other things to help his newspaper and +box-office reputation. + +CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was successful +for a time in the U. S. + +CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see Pollux). + +CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce American-Irish +politics into South America. Acquired a fortune, which was greatly +increased by a personal friendship with the American asphalt trust. +Was revolutioned a few times, and finally escaped with the mint and his +life. Career: Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York +police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ? + +CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the Treasury, +who had different ideas of taxation. + +CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his business. +Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic liners combined. +Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None. Address: The Styx. + +CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the English +language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known work is used as +a student puzzle in leading universities and colleges. Ambition: A +typewriter and a dictionary. + +CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed clothes, +and made chop suey until he had enough money to return to his native +land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium. + +CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living. + +CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living. + +CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in politics. +Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement. + +CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two sisters +in society. Historians have questioned her claims to fame, but they may +easily be substantiated by millions of children. + +CLAUS, Santa, poor father. + +CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a threadless +needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was unsuccessful in her love +and naval affairs, and finally became a mummy through the auspices of an +adder. Ambition: An Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: +Barging with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid. + +CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and +ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering cash, and +the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many people, but never quite +reached the top. Both died trying to get there. Ambition: An English +nobleman in the family. Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. +Address: See Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they +wanted. + +COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. Great +smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers. + +COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat burnings. + +COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have been born in +Genoa. Something made him believe the world was round. He endeavored +to secure money to prove his theory, but nobody cared whether he was +correct or not. Realizing there was no capital or prophet in his own +country, he took passage to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into +equipping an expedition for him to discover America. She did and he +did. Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation: Deck +shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: Palos Yacht. + +COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when we were +taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. Recreation: Tea. +Ambition: An invitation to dinner. + +CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. C. and +taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do things backward. +He also was the founder of ancestor worship. This still is practiced +in England, but never in the United States or Australia. Recreation: +Fireworks. Ambition: A Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More +Majorum. + +CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" in all +history books. + +COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at a tender +age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and in the management +of the house. When she departed there was weeping, and wailing, and +waiting. Diet: Usually large and everything of the best. Ambition: An +American policeman, or Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: +The whole house. + +COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich Islands and +who took the first Cook's tour around the world. + +COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered the north +pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.) + +COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating travel +literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save you money. Owns +and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. Publications: The Come On +Books. Ambition: Those Americans who want to see everything. Also "first +timers." Address: Any foreign city equipped with tourists. + +COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his father save +money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in Paris. + +COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in building +a reputation. + +CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion fighter +of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a good word. Many +persons wish he might be the Corbett he used to be. Ambition: A white +champion. + +CORELLI,(2) Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful love +scenes. She is said to have written some books which brought her fame +and royalty. C. does not approve of society except her own. She remains +secluded with her typewriter at Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only +being seen by her publishers and the editor. Publications: See +book stores and railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All +anti-suffragette. + +(2) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the next +edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations of book +reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen into the "was" +class. The editor never contradicts a book reviewer. + + +COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the world which +did not take up collections or give away Christmas dinners. + +CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world to +see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column for his +employers. + +CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy without +trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market. + +CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of Irish +parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics, which resulted +in his gaining the friendship of the New York police force. C. was +elected. C. was very poor. Later retired to his native land with two +Atlantic liners filled with salary. Ambition: An Irish president. +Recreation: English Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York +Democratic. + +CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, and went +about England tearing down churches. He also assisted in putting +King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in England on a +reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was honored by having his +round head placed as a decoration over Westminster Hall. + +CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. Visited a +sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked to parrots; found +some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned to England to become an +author. + +CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one at least +once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to mischievous tricks. It +was he who made kings fall in love with poor country girls; chauffeurs +with their ladies, and beggars with princesses. C. held all men and +women equal provided they were good, and he made the happiest people +on earth when they listened to his voice. He witnessed several +international engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants +gave him a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some +roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At times he +caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When C. stayed in a +house the sun was always shining. You should be at home when he calls. +Ambition: That sigh. Recreation: Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. +Clubs: None. He prefers the fireside and moonlight nights. + +CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print without +being a suffragette or an actress. + +CZAR. See Russia. + + + + +D + +DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat of +remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for the +insurance. + +DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, lover, and +poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but used too much slang. +Later fell in love. The girl (see her) knew what journalists were, and +refused to spoon. Exasperated, he began a bombardment of poetry. That +settled it. D. then entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix +with love and his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished. +Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his bust +while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia. Publications: Poems, +tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition: To be Beatrice's Romeo. +Recreation: Travel. Address: II via Dante, Florence. Seldom at home. + +DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution. + +DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the world +that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of the truly brave +who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement. + +DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered that +many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his theories with the +exception of one link. The clergymen claimed that a chain with one link +missing was no chain, and that D. was a nature faker. Publications: +Origin of Species, a valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the +currency bill. + +DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and rescued +little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.) + +DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion sling shot, +and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army as a volunteer, and +was awarded medals for his attack upon Goliath. Appointed musician +to the royal household. Became friendly with the Prince of Wales and +succeeded in doing him out of the coronation. Later was elected king. +Fell in love with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her +husband a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol. +Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address: Jerusalem. + +DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a lifetime, usually +toward the close. Patron of insurance companies. Nothing is known of his +childhood. Historians claim he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; +wore a sheet over his head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. +Never brought happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to +some one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. Many +doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he continues +to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None. Ambition: A happy home and +prosperous graveyards. Recreation: Sharpening scythes. Address: Always +hung out a black cloth wherever he resided. + +DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also accompanied Samson +on a number of European and American opera expeditions. + +DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where the cost +of living has ever been high. He introduced the French menu into the U. +S. and with it considerable indigestion. + +DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker. + +DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in France. + +DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator from the +state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, dedicated monuments; +married a young wife, and was relegated to obscurity by the American +voters. + +DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more than her +clothes. + +DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract a royal +press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary. + +DEVIL, see Old Nic. + +DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without which no cold +day is complete. + +DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed a Spanish +armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a nation; had cigars +named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was paraded through the streets; +married a widow; moved to Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, +and got out of the newspapers. + +DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, and the +chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt. Address: Ephesus. + +DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who departed +from the social functions of a king to assist the government. +Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned his actions on a +Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was requested to move. Ambition: A +revolution with himself on top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty +years in the White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me. + +DICE, see Thomas and Harry. + +DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the messenger +boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an important part in the +lives of the boys who never visited the Carnegie libraries. + +DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote. + +DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. Employed in +H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes. Fought in many battles. +Frequently gave bad water to soldiers. Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was +shot while in the act. Saved the government the price of a medal. His +pathetic story was widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the +U. S. and Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the +story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes. Recreation: Sleep. +Address: Care of biographer. + +DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored to +find something with a lantern which could not even be located with a +searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. Recreation: Cleaning globes. +Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible. + +DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to run +England. + +DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by persons +who forged his name. + +DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off their hats, +shout, and whistle when he rode into town. + +DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies. + +DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed the world +how easily some people were deprived of their money and religion. + +DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public square +named after him. D. also introduced the spud into Ireland. + +DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and intended doing +something to-day. Spent much time thinking about the best girl in the +world. A great friend of Procrastinator. Went through life waiting for +to-morrow. Several men, however, with the same name, have awakened and +given their dreams to the world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth). + +DREW, John, prehistoric American actor. + +DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail by being +one of the few innocent men who got into print. + +DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good layer on. + +DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an early age +and never recovered, despite the services of specialists. + +DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to open a +charge account. + + + + +E + +EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most expensive +sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, tourists. Address: Rochester +and London. Clubs: Camera. + +EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made millions +by telling the world there was no such thing as the toothache, +sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer. + +EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the exception +of the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor. + +EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who was wise +enough to stop before he got too high. + +EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When a young +man he became a benedict, a condition in which he remained until well +along in years. As fast as a queen appeared at the breakfast table with +her hair down her back, she was dispatched to the block. A couple of +queens got ahead of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces +as Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later years +he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A harem. Recreation: +Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: Windsor. + +ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece to the +British Museum. Also had something to do with the interior of watches. + +ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). Later he went +somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a chariot driver. + +ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the boys. E. +reigned when people did things. She was wooed and lost by an Armada (see +Philip II). She finally walked over Raleigh's coat, and later wiped +her feet on him. E. had a sister by the name of Mary, who was better +looking, and less fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced +into England. Other and less important events of her reign were: +Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: She did not +have any. + +ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books. + +EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town of Italy; +a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust his affairs to a +brainier man, and was thus made famous (see Girabaldi). + +EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers to +conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the practical +theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived before the time of the +taxi. + +EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and that +pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive hotels and eat only +in high-class restaurants. Many suffer with the gout. A popular cat foot +was named in his honor. + +ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of breakfast food. + +ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain of the +book, married the hero, and lived happily ever afterward. + +EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as far back +as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the shortest distance +between two points is a crow's flight, and that two parallel lines +always compete. + +EVE, see Mrs. Adam. + +EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich husband after +the fashion of books. + + + + +F + +FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did not fit his +religion. + +FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to +ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold. + +FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his younger +days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have applied himself to +school or business. Found fault with life and everybody, but was never +wrong himself. Unpopular. A great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, +and the poor house. Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The +other fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. Clubs: +None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really Tried. + +FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French +government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of the vast +collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the world. + +FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk. + +FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron saint of +French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores changing the cut of +ladies' clothes and the shape of their hats. Created some awful +looking things. F. made the poor men work very hard to keep up to her. +Publications: Editor of all Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, +and New York City. Epitaph: (Would that she had one.) + +FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love during his +second young manhood, traveled in a warm country, and sang his way to +fame. + +FAWKES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in Parliament +without introducing home rule or suffrage bills. + +FINN, Huck, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom). + +FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub the +black spot from the ring. + +FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing. + +FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with the men. +She appeared in all large cities with the best looking chorus that ever +wore tights. F. created such a sensation that every living actress of +note is willing to be classified as a former member of her company. Had +a miserable cigar named after her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York +City. Epitaph: There Were Not Many Like Flora. + +FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty days for a +big sale. + +FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an unintelligent woman +and one who never could understand. Followed his natural bents, even +as you and I. Wasted several years. Wept profusely. End unknown. +Recreation: Vampires. Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One. + +FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with brains. He +discovered that lightning was composed of electricity, that politics +paid better than printing, and that the French Court was more lively +than the Continental Congress. + +FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics. + +FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but he came +around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know of your success, +pitied you in your failures, and shook you by the hand when you were +down and out. Never borrowed money, but he frequently lent it. Was a +wise counsellor. Very popular. His name was frequently given the baby +(see Mischief). Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At +the other fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or his own. +Clubs: All. + +FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as the only +woman in the history of mankind who admitted her old age. + +FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a fortune for +the Cunard and White Star lines. + + + + +G + +GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as the agent +for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to move. Historians +claim he will again be in Who's Who when St. Peter (see him) makes the +inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs. Recreation: Aviation. + +GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait +manufacturer. + +GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by declaring +the world revolved when everybody knew it was stationary. Manufactured +the first spy-glass, an instrument which has since been used in theatres +and for various other purposes. Also discovered that clocks were +equipped with pendulums. + +GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when out of +office. + +GARDEN,(3) Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera stage. +Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a child. This was +expensively cultivated in Europe, was later exposed before English +and American congregations, and her Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes +packed the houses. Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants +a husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera houses and +suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners. + +(3) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. + + +GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea party. +He espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor), and successfully +Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every town in his country, ran +second to V. E. in the number of statues erected to his appearance, and +for three years held the championship for eating spaghetti. + +GARRICK, an old English matinee idol. + +GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun. + +GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when mortally +wounded. + +GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in general, +and one Walpole in particular, to run England. + +GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars. + +GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign of +William Pitt, and believed in taxing tea. + +GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our contemporary +Who's Who). + +GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician. Entered +politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes. Was a modest +member of the House of Commons, seldom speaking more than four times on +any bill. Kept climbing until he became under secretary of something, +order keeper of the Board of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent +position in the Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home +rule millstone, and hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A dynamite-proof +house, a tax on air. Recreation: (see Asquith). Address: Front row House +of Commons. Clubs: Anti-conservative. + +GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old inhabitants +before the market was so wet. + +GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which cuts +barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to clean. + +GIRL, The Chorus, Um! + +GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model. + +GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England, chopped +trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with the Irish home +rule. + +GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book which +everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then re-reads it +when the doors are locked. In the United States a law has been passed +compelling booksellers to include a bottle of disinfectant whenever a +G. book is sold. Ambition: A publisher who is not afraid of the police. +Recreation: Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs: +Always blackballed. + +GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book. + +GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited at the +Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight. + +GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words rhyme. + +GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in one round +by a lightweight. Defeat attributed to overconfidence. Friends said +nothing like that had ever entered his head. + +GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism, but who +adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale. + +GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who told some +awful untruths to the innocent. + +GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest writer who +ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At the age of fourteen +began shaving and wearing long trousers. At twenty-one G. was considered +of age. Began writing while a child. Penmanship so poor he took to the +typewriter. Wrote Who Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some +one did. Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.) +Recreation: Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when financially +able. Other times in one of those confounded newspaper offices. + +GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the government +and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of the United States +accompanied by another man's wife. Learned that this was not the usual +custom in America. His managers and hotel proprietors requested him to +continue his travels. Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people. +Publications: Much unpatriotic literature. + +GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line of which +is remembered by everybody. + +GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who never +was bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he worked. Historians +claim this was due to his poor salary. + +GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some distance from +Land's End. + +GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of +decapitation, who had such confidence in his invention that he was the +first to give it a practical demonstration. + +GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never submitted +his proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a gullible public. +Never lectured. + + + + +H + +HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating before he +was abdicated. + +HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy family. + +HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and called it +homeopathy. + +HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark. + +HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion promiser, and +a sick man. When a youth he began instructing the monarchs of Europe +in the use of a government. One of his favorite pastimes was reading +ultimatums. Fearless until a warship entered the harbor, and even then +usually got rid of it with promises. Employed massacres to break the +monotony of reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk +cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be ostlerized +(see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and salary, and locked him up +in a palace. Then the wise ones lost Tripoli and about everything but +sleeping room in Europe. Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on +the job. Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem. Epitaph: +Everybody Worked But Father. + +HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also founded +the foolish questions. + +HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high prices, +and buildings upon certain communities. + +HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote a few +other airs. + +HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.) + +HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American university +near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., where football +players and the sons of American millionaires eke out an education. + +HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his patients had +blood which circulated. The discovery has since been of some profit to +his successors. + +HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his name. +Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other varieties to the +world. + +HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches (also see +Napoleon). + +HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, and +exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It is said the +poem has been parodized. + +HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty or death. +From all that can be ascertained he secured the latter. + +HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic games and +laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which are even questioned +by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed about everybody, erected two +pillars, stole some apples, and, in short, did everything but enter +politics or invent a breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. +Recreation: Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs: +Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen. + +HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to death +simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a great American +poet used bad taste in writing the biography of such a man. + +HICHENS,(4) Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah. Experimented with +belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and multitudes of readers hope +he will remain there for some time to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: +Filling his fountain pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the +Publisher. Home: Sicily. + +(4) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day, and is +compelled to make the biography flattering. + + +HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a celebrated rain +storm. + +HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and went to +Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was heard by great +crowds. Produced statistics to show how few saloons failed after a +lecture. + +HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured inexpensive +literature and theatres. This fired his mind to eliminate Scotland Yard +as a crime-detecting agency. Entered the profession of a detective, but +was unknown until Doctor Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was +then made. All the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he +only told what he knew about society--! H. solved the most complicated +mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle, and was only baffled +in locating the murderer of Cock Robin. His name struck terror into the +hearts of criminals and competing publishers. After all the criminals +in England had been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the +great H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in time +to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the suffragette case. +Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation: Fond of Doyle's works and the +violin. Address: 31 Baker Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: +Au Revoir, But. + +HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began career as +a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for incompetence, and +took up honest writing. Found a publisher who thought his writings would +sell to posterity. Later H. took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war +correspondent for the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. +Ambition: Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and +school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth Estate. + +HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a wolf +which had previously partaken of a relative. + +HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the rich and +gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for stories. + +HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for Harvey's +discovery. + +HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near relation +of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and gave her name to +the world. She was the first woman to manufacture ideals, and has been +made the patron saint of the suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went +about making life worth while. She was loved by all those millions of +lovers and all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do +things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success. Address: Perhaps +she has resided in your home. + +HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who sang and +drank of the Falernian wine. + +HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the Tiber +without getting stuck in the mud. + +HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever lived. +Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his picture and ran +long articles about his life, family, eccentricities, etc. Won fame in +war, science, pulpit, aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, +finance, by saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were +infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful women. Made +addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He was the man everyone +wanted to shake by the hand so they could tell other people they had +done it. Ambition: Another hour. Recreation: Basking. Address: All +countries. Clubs: All open. + +HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ extra +telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He also was +responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation." + +HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large cities, +showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the villain, packed +up, and moved to the next town. + +HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened newspapers. +Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only controlling a few +newspapers. He soon purchased others. His magical touch changed their +color. Employed the greatest staff of imaginary geniuses ever gathered +together. These men had the ability to write unhampered by mere details +or facts. H. also employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. +Fortified by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and +newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. Was always +Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan. Recreation: Reading +yellow journals. Address: All large American cities. Epitaph: The Vote +Is Mightier Than The Pen. + +HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.) + + + + +I + +IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words to rhyme +at the ends of the lines. + +ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first tumble. Selected +water as the spot for his fall, and was not picked up with the debris. +Ambition: A Wright machine. Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece. +Clubs: Aero. + +IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life except that +he built a celebrated fort to protect the poor Cossacks from the +molestations of the populace. Was probably blown up or died in prison. + +INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within the reach +of authors and artists. Historians claim he would have made another +fortune had he lived when the sun-dial trust had its own way. + +INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not believe in +anything, and made a fortune by telling people what he believed. + +INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome. + +IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited Westminster +Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few biographies. + +ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.(5) Spent his childhood +like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca, claimed by historians +to have been a Jewess. Had two famous sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but +especially the latter). Died at the tender age of 180 years. + +(5) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity He did his +best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed. + + +ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her clothes +until the Moors were driven from the country. Her husband, the king, +raised an army and accomplished the feat. I.'s name is sometimes +connected with the discovery of America. This, however, is an error, as +Columbus took a more active part. + +ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing. + +ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his father's +estate. Traveled extensively in the desert with his mother. + + + + +J + +JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water carrier. +Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in the valley. (See +Jill.) + +JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother of Esau. +Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character impersonator, but +never went on the stage. Left home suddenly. Slept on a stone and had +hard dreams. Later married, and was responsible for Joseph and his +brethren. (See Joe.) + +JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm. + +JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and appeared in +paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, the author, and the +publisher. + +JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be elected +king of England. + +JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage. + +JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark. + +JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory. + +JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his gloves and +bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.) + +JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own medicine. + +JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the face of +the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of such men as Eugene +Sue and Lew Wallace. + +JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident +occurred. + +JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like all rich +men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and entered the +market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the real estate market. The +market tumbled and so did J. Family troubles also distressed him. His +camels died of the colic or were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard +luck he patronized the temple, and believed while there was money it +could be had. Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, +and ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the New York +Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation: Sackcloth and ashes. + +JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of +the world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne +made even a colored gentleman a "waser." + +JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press +agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. Also wrote. + +JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for taking a +rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he was the jonah. Swam +until he was tired, and finally made a morsel for a fish. Tradition has +it that J. was tough and indigestible. He remained three days and three +nights in the interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable +annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam ashore, and +thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and the illness of his +rescuer. His story was published. Still causes some comment. Tradition +also says that J. never could look a fish in the face after the +harrowing incident. Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. +Address: Sodom. Clubs: Alpine. + +JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor. + +JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture +post-card. + +JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and was only +prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of the place. + +JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a young man +he became his father's favorite, while his brethren had to do the heavy +work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the ire of his brethren, resulting +in Joe being sold as a slave, and in the coat being sent to the +cleaners. J. journeyed to Egypt, where he refused to elope with the +Pharaohess. Her husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in +prison, and afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A +famine occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in +provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe, who thanked +them for the good luck they had thrust upon him. + +JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart +which was broken by the ambitions of a man. + +JUDAS, suicide. + +JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first +name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband, +although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a +few hundred years, displaying her domestic infelicity. + +JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love +on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a +splendid sale. (See Romeo.) + +JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and a regular +Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: Killing giants, +disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: Olympia. + +JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently +erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales +with a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other. +Her statues in other countries are said to be different, although +occasionally the little statues are found in the pans. + + + + +K + +KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; a German +of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, considerable +comment in England, and much applause in his own country. Was also +a naval constructor. Born of royal parents. Inherited his father's +position. At a tender age he formed a passion for an army. Like all +royal children, he had his own way. His plaything has grown steadily, is +in fine condition, but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. +His later years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for +what purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also honored +by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his exhibition through +Europe. It is said he could not learn anything from his adviser. +Heir: The crown prince. Ambition: His army applied to the socialists. +Recreation: Army. Address: Army. Clubs: Army. + +KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account +of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding +without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as +gold. Was strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never +cared for New York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made +public. Historians are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced +what he preached. Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away +from business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U. + +KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and heartfelt +commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More grapes. Recreation: A +flask, books, and a Persian "thou." Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What +He Preached. + +KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure which +several people have been sure they could locate. Was said to have been +one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship. + +KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and accomplishments. + +KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted. + +KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the kirk into +Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate. + +KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made England scrub +up. + +KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell concert. + + + + +L + +LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. He was +such an attentive listener and heard so much that the leading cemetery +in Paris was named in his honor. + +LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of tears to +place smiles on paper. + +LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable talent. +Ambition: Those old time lovers. + +LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. Together +with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered with a bad +attack. Address: Vatican, Rome. + +LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had a brow +like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in Scotland to whom +Burns did not write a few poems. L. was engaged to be married; no record +of the ceremony can be found. + +LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to become +a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on Irish questions. +Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except in the south of Ireland. +Address: Parliament. This will probably hold good for several editions +of Who Was Who. Clubs: Conservative, of course. + +LAW,(6) Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused ancient +whose life and story has been written by malicious biographers. In +reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to dinner, permitted the gas +to be turned down, and always knocked before she came into the room. +Later she wiped the dishes, took care of her grandchild (see Baby), +helped pay the bills, and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she +had. Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our house most +of the time. Clubs: Suffrage. + +(6) Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the accuracy +of the above. + + +LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler. + +LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also Jupiter, +Castor, and Pollux. + +LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal saucerers +to the king. + +LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her debut. +Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. Ambition: To find +another widow. + +LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her with a good +song. + +LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead long enough +for historians to make him famous. Ambition: Song, women, and wine. +Recreation: Wine, women, and song. Address: Several in Brussels. +Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab Illo. + +LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes Italy and +Poland to the United States. + +LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising cheese. + +LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with +Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter politics or +the police force. Ambition: That cup. + +LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, and played +the piano. + +LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects for the +sale of this book. + +LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides herself +when the tourist goes down the Rhine. + +LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband. + +LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which became +practical. She also was considered one of the salt of the earth. + +LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's into France. +Put the "is" in Paris. + +LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron of +cafe's. + +LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. Continued the +works of his predecessors. + +LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work of his +predecessors. + +LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe. + +LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. Started +pre-tango dancing. + +LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French menu. + +LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and dressmakers into +Paris. + +LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. Fought the +Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought 7,000,000 francs +worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work in the Crusades. Not a +patron of his ancestors. Very unpopular in Paris. + +LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. Very +popular. + +LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear of the +discovery of the United States. + +LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were discovered. + +LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for him. Was +a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general. + +LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, salon +decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted Paris in acquiring +her reputation. Built Versailles, the Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He +was the man who captured Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon +III.) Motto: I am the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles. +Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. Address: +Versailles. + +LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns of Queens +Pompadour and Du-Barry. + +LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of his +ancestors, but--. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the turkey trot +and the salome dance at Versailles. While his subjects were starving he +ate pate de foies gras. They objected and carried his White Wigginess to +Paris, where he ended his reign. Ambition: To have been any one of +his ancestors, even No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. +Address: Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head +Which Wore A Crown. + +LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long enough to +have the good times of his ancestors, and the only Louis for whom the +world has a word of sympathy. + +LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who got +back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and Napoleon had +subsided. + +LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, lunatic, +and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young manhood he met Her. +From that moment all other hers he had known became lemons. L. was an +expert prevaricator. Polished shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, +and never ate onions. Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas +or electric lights. Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled +occasionally. Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. +Walked on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends +who wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked wonderfully +beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep quiet. Her blushed, +permitted him to sit closer, and then told L. he was the dearest, +sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, bravest lovey in the wide, wide +world. Later L. secured an embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry +store. Diet: Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs: +None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go. + +LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition. + + + +M + +McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver. + +McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization, +frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the world's +championship. + +MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist. + +MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a rainy +day. + +MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights. + +MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a child. Only +calls after supper. Tells the little one he has played enough for the +day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. When M. departs the little +bundle is asleep in the nursery or all cuddled up in Mother's lap. +Ambition: Sand for the older folks. + +MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced Parisian life +into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise young man. Overlooked the +fact that a king may rule a nation, but frequently is a poor press +agent. Became incensed at his army and subjects. Moved in haste. +Ambition: Lisbon and a dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. +Address: Watch bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And +His Kingdom Are Soon Parted. + +MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could rule a +city, but not a woman. + +MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women to gaze in +mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day. + +MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph poles +and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it possible for New +York stock brokers to continue their business while journeying to Paris. + +MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by making a +voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently been duplicated on +liners out of the regular tourist season. + +MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and the +tourist who dwelt within his canals. + +MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which tastes +too good. + +MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom was seen +without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her one day, thus causing +considerable mirth among the pupils. Was severely reprimanded by the +teacher, as it was against the regulations of the institution to permit +animals, other than the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the +lamb to the stable. Her biography has been extensively published. + +MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" about +himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. Recreation: +Bluebird raising. + +MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, who +introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a young man he +discovered that the tourists were not paying enough money to see the +sights. With the assistance of some handsomely gowned women he opened a +cafe on the Rue Royal where they could. For years it was patronized by +his countrymen until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists +were permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French +cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, hear +champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. Ambition: +Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press Agent: The Merry Widow and +the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph: Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense. + +MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things to kill +people, and not to financially ruin them. + +MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered by +those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for Methodists or +Presbyterians. + +MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an acute +stage. + +MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the bottle. + +MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man goes to his +fate. + +MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion perquisite. +Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His picture has been widely +distributed, but never admired. + +MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet and +feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model. Ambition: A telegraph. +Recreation: Same as the gods. Address: General delivery. + +METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand. + +MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was instantly +made the patron saint of France. + +MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat). + +MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known by +everybody and the contents by few. + +MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to bring the +price of champagne to within the reach of millionaires. + +MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced mormonism +into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured crescents, religion, and +made Mecca the mecca for everything. Early life spent in business. This +did not pay. He then married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a +hobby. Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his +kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were given the +alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid damascus blade or +Islam. They always became fervently religious. Later M. embarked on +a marrying campaign with equal success. Publications: The Koran, +a treatise on everything. Ambition: The crescent on every flag. +Recreation: Walking toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 +Blvd. Allah, Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him. + +MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we do not +have to see alone. + +MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of which +nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the test. + +MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents in other +lines had Marconi lived before his time. + +MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all generations. Born +in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics as the son of Pharaoh's +daughter and the leader of the Ghetto. When M. waxed astute, after the +manner of his people, he discovered there were not sufficient shekels +for himself and countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued +the king for permission to close the pawn shops and clothing stores. Now +in those days the children of Egypt were wont to patronize the bazaars +of the children of the Chosen, and Pharaoh was wroth within himself and +refused the passports. The brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and +took ship's leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches +to the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and his +army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this time the +journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this was due to good +business or sore feet history does not relate. M. later climbed a +mountain and received the ten commandments. After breaking them he +returned to camp. He died before the journey was complete. Publications: +Histories. Ambition: A railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: +Tennis and camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish +Legation. + +MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who came around +when you hit your finger with the hammer. + +MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to New York +City. + +MUMM,(7) the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. The +products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons who cannot +afford them. They form one of the principal ingredients of a good time +(see Paris). + +(7) Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the above stated +facts. + + +MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his books, +lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned by scientific +men, he is held in high regard due to his failure to claim the discovery +of the north pole. + +MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the theory +that while there was life there was a chance to sell some of his +medicine. + +MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City. + + + + +N + +NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl on his +forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good luck. Started +life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all great men, he was the +dunce at school. Later he used his masters and prize-winning chums +as first-row soldiers. Entered the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. +Frequently amused himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing +a city or an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young +man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. Then he +went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble with one Nelson of +England. N. became unpopular with his neighbors. They all attacked him. +He attacked them all. That settled it. He ate wars. After the powers +were powerless N. scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He +devoured Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too +cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became rich and +divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into France and carried +a third term. Started things. Began quarreling again. At last he was +cooped up in Paris, and flew the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited +France. Started things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he +was met by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced +him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England presented +N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and paid all his living +expenses for six years. Later N. became responsible for one of the +sights of Paris. Always carried his right hand in the front of his coat. +Ambition: A French Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking +along the shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph: I +Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine Among The Few +French People I Did Not Take To War. + +NAPOLEON II. Absent. + +NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. Ambition: Rough +on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris +when the Dutchmen would permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But +No Bonaparte. + +NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined away +into a flower and a tiresome song. + +NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette who +believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be sober all the +time. + +NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to spell. + +NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, wireless, +and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to New York. Recreation: +Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: Yacht. + +NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought nothing burned +like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire departments a necessity in +the Eternal City. Ambition: A good show in the Colosseum. Recreation: +Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow. + +NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her husband. + +NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the theory that it +is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to fall than to climb after +it. + +NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. Will +stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls who never fails +to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand when you want to do +something you know you should not do. Was driven from home when a young +man. Set up competition and succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest +community in existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable +opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great people who +ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much worry to mothers and +wives, but seldom troubled the men. Publications: French literature; +some fine books and pictures. Occupation: Looking for idle hands. +Ambition: You. Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's, +champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address: Paris. N. +also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum. + +NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who succeeded +without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or a license. + +NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had +considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity. When a young +man he shunned the ways of young men, and never sat in the seat of the +scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the Clyde and designed the largest +floating stable on record. Made quite a reputation as an animal +collector. Took to the sea when well advanced in years. N. was the +first man to descend Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension. +Publications: The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger +crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor. Clubs: Yacht. +Epitaph: De Profundis. + +NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor union +weapon. His invention also made possible the premature discharge of +dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes. + + + + +O + +O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born in Dublin, +raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed in Dublin. Dublined +in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition connects his name with the early +stages of the home rule bill. Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. +Recreation: Oratory. Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: +Green. + +O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still bragged +about. + +ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made it a crime +to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth of March. (See St. +Patrick.) + +ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. Practised in +obscurity, and later appeared before large audiences. Made several +successful concert tours. Married Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. +The bride did not wear shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. +O. descended to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian +ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise to get out +of the place without looking around to see what other respectable +people were there. O. started for the door. He heard familiar voices and +rubbered. That ended the contract, and for all the editor has been able +to ascertain Eurydice is there to this day. + +OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that all +fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men who got that +story into print. Recreation: Medicine. Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He +Practised, But Not What He Preached. + +OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell in love +with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were married. Mrs. Othello +lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs and was killed by her enraged +husband. Shakespeare, of England, a writer, heard of the incident and +made some money out of it. + + + + +P + +PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who wore long +red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, and broke pianos. + +PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven perch by +Poe. + +PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. Born half a +man and half a goat. Took after the latter. Studied music under the old +masters and outfluted Apollo. Was also a sheep fancier. Fathered +fife and drum corps. Ambition: A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. +Recreation: Hunting and falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: +Musical. + +PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, believed in +fairies, and crowded houses in England and the United States. + +PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a government, +starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, and made speeches for +a living. Girlhood spent in developing muscle, pluck, and theories. She +appeared before the public and declared that the liquor traffic would be +terminated when women voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the +men would not give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry, +although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. "Votes for +Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the "next." Publications: +From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows I have Smashed. Address: London. +Care Scotland Yard. + +PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break things. + +PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss. + +PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's wife +named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him honor. + +PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries and Ulster. +Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully explode dynamite in +Parliament without being executed. Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, +a Conservativeless England. Address: Close to the English ministry. +Epitaph: The Bills Men Introduced Live After Them. + +PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an opera stage. + +PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until he came to +the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A subway station in Paris +has been named after him. + +PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of Ireland with +the exception of those in bottles. Also introduced the brogue and the +shamrock into the Emerald Isle. + +PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the United States. +There he took up the hod-carrying business. Went on the stage and set +the world laughing. He also entered politics, captured the American +police force, and, together with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great +Britain and the United States. + +PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. Epitaph: +Cum Grano Salis. + +PEAR,(8) the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps +the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is +international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy. + +(8) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does not use +soap. + + +PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the north pole +and convinced a few people. Was also forced to write a book and lecture. +Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a +certain man had not made him get all the way there the last time. Grave: +The Cook incident. + +PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats boxes. An +Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, built the slow, +old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the American Liberty Bell. + +PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. Secured +his reputation through brains, a voice, and a well-oiled political +machine. Started the golden age of Greece with a loud blast of the horn +of plenty. + +PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of chocolate +making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it into America. +Ambition: More children and people with sweet teeth. + +PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent bookkeeper, +and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has taken his name. +Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling hinges. Address: Golden gates. + +PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also the father +of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, cigarette factories, and +made a handsome mummy. + +PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his suit, +endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit and the armada +were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an old maid. Ambition: To +the Inquisition with all Englishmen. Motto: Faint heart never won fair +lady. Address: Spain. + +PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have saved your +hair. + +PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out of +advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who believed what they +read. + +PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held accounts +against many people. Caused considerable worry to his creditors. + +PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers more +careful of what they said. His invention has secured wealthy husbands +for many a pretty and poor stenographer. + +PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat. + +PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. Also the +manufacturer of a morning beverage. + +PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you wanted to +wear your new hat or go to a ball game. + +POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and cold chills. + +POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity to get +out of this book. + +POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.) + +POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer. Began +expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and the Orient. +Returned to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors. He is supposed, +however, to have visited the countries, as he produced a pair of chop +sticks, a Chinese laundry, and some Japanese lanterns. These were +accepted as proofs by the University of Venice. Ambition: The north +pole. + +POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have been a peach. +Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make the dances at Versailles +a success. Ambition: Plenty of hair. Recreation: Versailles. Address: +See Louis. Clubs: Anti. + +POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and invented +soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along. + +PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the doctrine +of To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never convicted. Ancient records +state he invariably had an excuse for present inactivity, but would +promise results the following day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put +off everything except Death, and even did his best to keep him away +as long as possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To +accomplish to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day. Recreation: +Always before business. Address: Nobody knows. Clubs: Many. + +PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey +encumbered with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some hairbreadth +escapes, was stuck in the mud, but finally returned and became +respectable like all other Englishmen. + +PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician who did +not starve, and who gave the classical name "La Faniculla del West" to +the plain "girl of the golden west." + +PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel. P. also +is responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by porters. + +PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children, even +if he did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life. Traveled in several +European countries and spoke all the best-selling languages. His name +has been given to a serious London publication. + +PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after they were +dead. + + + + +Q(9) + +(9) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have been +famous. + + +QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything when he +came around. + +QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some desperate +conquests for his lady-love, and was defeated by a windmill. In all his +defeats, however, he showed to the world that a laugh cuts deeper than a +sword, and that satire would kill where a lance could not penetrate. The +word quixotic is used to his commemoration. + + + + +R(10) + +(10) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the R's who +have been famous. + + +RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands with +Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of the pipe into +England and the plug into Ireland. + +RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial mountains, +statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be named after him. + +RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made it +worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some expensive +paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his studio. Ambition: +Churches with larger walls. Recreation: Painting, art, and canvas +weaving. Address: All galleries. + +RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the +newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would get plenty +to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see somebody, and that +you would have to wear your Sunday clothes. Her R. S. V. P.'s were +always accepted. R. finally lost her money, and with it her friends. +Ambition: The man of the hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It. + +REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old ladies and +Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon himself by filling a +museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing paintings. + +REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many pretty +stenographers(11) sit. + +(11) Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the machine. + + +REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre like Who +Was Who should be used for ballast. + +RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased South +Africa. + +RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by a stone. +He rusted to death. + +RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis XIII, +and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham. + +RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to stop, but +cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. Recreation: Visiting +his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. Clubs: Does not need any. + +ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of doing to his +enemies what most politicians would like to do to theirs. Was finally +voted out and down. + +ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction simply +because some people were sufficiently clever to do things before his +name could be pronounced. + +ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his camel +through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building churches and +colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all millionaires, he was born +penniless. R. worked hard, helped the missions out of his $3 a week, +married, and purchased some oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in +a trust. Then he began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of +business. As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could +make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the latter portion +of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and doubling his fortune by the +dissolution of his business. Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less +competition. Also another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, +the coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of competition. +Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., when he can spare the +time from his legal and congressional investigations. + +ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have the +fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other young men how +fortunate they were in being born poor and all about the fungus which +grows on the root of all evil. Never knew what a good time he could have +with his Dad's coin in Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: +Sunday school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old +ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A. + +RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European and +American galleries with statues at a price which would have made Mike +Angelo a billionaire. + +ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter who +gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English Channel. Later +hit a snag in the Orient. + +ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true love +ended in a cemetery. + +ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home life and in +building Rome. + +ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent, The +Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, interview +giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, dee-lighted, "MYSELF," +mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver, band-wagon, Panama canal, rough +rider, circus leader, circus, down-with-rafter, and a former retired and +retiring president of the United States. When a young man he spent his +father's money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large +family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of rough +riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the newspapers. Made up +his mind he would stay there. R. became governor of New York State with +ambitions. Being a wealthy man, and capable of contributing to the cause +of the Republican party, he was elected vice-president of the United +States. A hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper +career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in the White +House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country what a great +president he was. The voters believed him, and did not object to four +years more. During this administration R. successfully advertised +himself, the family, started the Panama Canal, and appointed one William +Howard Taft (see Poor Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through +Africa with a magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men. +After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and told the +king how to king and the emperors how to emp. Returning to the United +States he placed his hand in state politics. Fingers were badly burned. +When it came time to elect another president, R. was tired of scene +shifting and yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up +his loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international Harvester +Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a second Moses who was +destined to lead the children of America out of the Land of the Frying +Pan into that of the Fire. With a mighty army of politicians, who also +wanted to get back, R. started his campaign with such a huge band he +could not hear any others. The fight was based on telling the voters +how easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had told +them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by the greatest +majority in history until the ballots were hatched. Later he joined the +ranks of William Jennings Bryan. Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: +To get back into Who's Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster +Bay for newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same as +Bryan's. + +ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as much +money. + +ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will always escape +the police. + +RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently changed, and +therefore painted fat people without their clothes. + +RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes caused pain +after a visit. + +RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with modern +subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was spent in a +steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. He was crowned in +a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown, +the crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony. +Seldom goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of +his subjects. In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing. +Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing death +warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by the servants. +Send letters care St. Petersburg police department. Clubs: Army. +Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not Have This Long Ago. + + + + +S + +SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses +in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is +still in Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested. + +SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and +spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered +by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at +Washington. S. was assisted in early life by a number of men who took an +interest in him. When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, +but later became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization +business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe +attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the +trust-raising business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In +1897 he spanked a European power, but had to take care of the children +after the incident. S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the +former, although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long +hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had +bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank notes. Ambition: +Another Republican president. Address: Washington, D. C., U. S. A. +Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.) + +SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he +rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady. +Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide +by pushing a temple on himself. + +SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of +those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and +sufficient brains to make money with it. + +SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough +money and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked. + +SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the +cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until +election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him. + +SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by +Mark Twain, and became a good salesman. + +SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful in +advertising himself and his town. In England he is Schwepps. + +SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French Republic +and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips with his wife and +children. Clubs: Mother's. + +SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been beautiful, +who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose less attractive +sister got the better of her. + +SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting the +national characteristics. His critics claim this was the reason he +failed in business. Wrote some books which are read by students and +persons possessing much time. + +SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran second +to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited in European +galleries. + +SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer. + +SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who introduced the +marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain. + +SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the ignominy of +reaching the desired point by the shortness of rations, but he was near +enough to become a profitable author and lecturer. + +SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at Stratford-on-Avon. When a +young man he amused himself by poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, +and being the village pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went +to London, a city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was +said to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His fame +later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s birthplace is +now one of the tourist sights of the world. More post-cards are sent +from this town than from any of its size in Europe. The church where he +lies buried has an immense floating congregation. S. also shared honors +with one Bacon for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices +in Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The World. +Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.) + +SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of clean +heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen into disrepute in +that country, but is sometimes practiced in other lands. + +SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who made money +by being honest enough to tell people what they knew. S.'s enemies claim +he would have to work should his theories be put into practice. Believes +in socialism and wants everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, +wit, and divided opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless +England. Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards. + +SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains against +the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost. + +SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark. + +SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and giving a +terse definition of war. + +SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person feels wealthy +while at the table and poor afterward. + +SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers whose +family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better job for her +husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have time for any, and thus +could not be a suffragette. + +SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the diplomatic +game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent home. Occupation: +Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country without diplomats. Address: +Home. + +SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory. + +SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the exception +of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair grounds. The man +operated his business on a cash basis. Simon was broke and no sale was +consummated. + +SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff. + +SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out salvation for the +bald and envy to women. + +SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the first +lobster. + +SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world. + +SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide. + +SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon +who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he +developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender +age he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt +his acumen. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building +a city and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular +songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife +and an end to those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with +the family. Also was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. +Solomon. Epitaph: Here Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All. + +SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents. +Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and +had a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never +at home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked +home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular +with his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life. +Address: Home. + +SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons +between march compositions. + +SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated +from monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the +fittest. + +SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain +and the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent, +incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in +his incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too +Much Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career. +S.'s first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech +maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print +led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting. +Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation: +Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string +of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and +Hope.) + +SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to +the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her +head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices +and looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this +direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of +adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were +not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except +herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they +belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued +parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on +behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! +The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It." + +SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor +of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office +in order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your +sins will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: +Tigers. Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will, +But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still. + + + + +T + +TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president +of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the Constitution, the +Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter +resulted in his election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would +not step aside and let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers +fought and another ran away with the election. Principal events during +T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard +Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to +Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's +Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless Predecessor. + +TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper. + +TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front +row did. + +TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a +charging brigade. + +TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might +always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend. + +THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a +wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only +got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden. +Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man +who ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring +in Canada and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: +Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper. + +THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon. + +THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of +the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse. + +THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his +misfortunes and the curiosity of the world. + +TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job. + +TIFFANY,(12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices +into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires. +Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good +margin. Ambition: A man in love. + +(12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an +actress. + + +TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very +unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind +to the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women, +and placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: +Of tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem. + +TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P. +Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes. +Recreation: He never had any. + +TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular +with the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause +consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could +paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models. + +TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark. + +TOM. (See Richard and Harry.) + +TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town, +village, and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate +States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match +which kindled the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all +negroes are not Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were +made back in 1861. + +TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought +post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages, +and then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look +at everything. Address: Principally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They +Saw, They Vanished. + +TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the +longest siege in history to make her elope back again. + +TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas. + +TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner +speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh. + +TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers. + +TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be +divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical +mangers. + + + + +U + +UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving +to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the +Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has +become profitable. + +ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege +of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped +from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole +in his eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens. +Stayed away from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His +dog, however, recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the +barn. Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca. + +UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama +who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had +something to do with the high cost of tariffing. + +UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries. + + + + +V + +VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was +appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in +every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V. + +VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads, +much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for +Newport and newspapers. + +VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with +portraits and his tonsorial achievement. + +VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes. + +VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and +had to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted +at sea. Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an +affair with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her +old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in +years. Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: Love. +Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was +too good looking to be a suffragette. + +VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor +to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two +or three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty Titian. + +VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists. + +VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after +the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner +he succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See +Columbus.) + +VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking +machine. + +VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His +reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence. +Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for +purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper. + +VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid. + +VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for +protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her +thumbs. + +VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey +trot. + +VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth. + +VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had +a career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus. + + + + +W + +WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the +opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices +appeared. + +WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until +you appeared. + +WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories. + +WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping +trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and +being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United +States, said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided +he was not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has +been widely distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big +Uncle Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs: +Anti-Ananias. + +WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black +man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory. +He also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being coons. +(See Uncle Tom.) + +WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes. + +WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the +invention of investigating committees. He died famous. + +WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language +itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by +saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short. + +WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to +say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier +makes a poor politician. + +WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of +dreadnaughts. + +WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker. + +WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris, +made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was +caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan +prince. W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love +with her and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. +Ambition: Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will +There Be Another Like Her? + +WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages. + +WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business. + +WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No +relation to the following. + +WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational +institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few +cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address +to Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, +but whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be +determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt +and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain +exercises, thinking, Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. +Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican. + +WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's +little tummie. + +WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal +Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many +grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess. + +WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his +profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by +Shakespeare. + +WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the +inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two +in the air. + + + + +X(13) + +(13) Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for the X's. + + +XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his country. +He died young. + +XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone. + + + + +Y + +YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. Football, +pipe, and bulldog fancier. + +YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an +emaciated condition. + +YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the United +States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he became a strong +anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. Utah increased in population +and was admitted as a state. After building a great temple, dedicated to +Hymen, he died, leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: +See Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: Utah. +Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son. + + + + +Z + +ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen was more +profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised Utopia. Recreation: +Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. Clubs: A. O. H. + +ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the greatest book +ever written. + +ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an aeronaut +who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. Ambition: The elevation +of the German army. Recreation: Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: +Air. Clubs: Aero. + +ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm countries. +He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their kind +attention. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHO WAS WHO: 5000 B. C. TO DATE *** + +***** This file should be named 984.txt or 984.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/8/984/ + +Produced by Charles Keller + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Gordon + + + + +NOTE + +THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons +who can produce proper evidence of their demise will be +admitted to Who Was Who. Press Agent notices or complimentary +comments are absolutely excluded, and those offering to pay for +the insertion of names will be prosecuted. As persons become +eligible they will be included without solicitation, while the +pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant. + +Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or +endeavored to become famous. In a work of such magnitude +errors occasionally occur. Should this be the case, the editor +will be glad to receive corrections from the ex-celebrities or +their enemies. These will be accepted gratis. Proofs will be +sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be able to +order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting +to the publisher. + +The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United +States and Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be +fought. + +The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have +furnished material for this book. He also trusts they will +show their good feeling by purchasing a copy, and that all the +unfortunates will speedily be returned to Who's Who. THE +EDITOR. + +ABBREVIATIONS + +A1.......... Can open charge account. +A. B........ Four years hard sentence. +A. M........ When we get up. +Cit......... Common people. +C. O. D..... No credit. +Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and + investigation purposes. +D. D........ Be careful of your jokes. +Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile. +D. H........ Pull. +D. T........ Delirium tremens. +Ets......... The rest of us. +F. R. A..... Brains. +F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home. +G. O. P..... Hic jacet. +Hon......... Speaker of the occasion. +H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid + gloves. +I........... Roosevelt. +Incog....... Prominent men in Paris. +IOU......... Hard luck. +Ire......... Mother of politicians. +LL. D....... American millionaires. +M. P........ Home rule debaters. +Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate. +P. M........ When we go to bed. +R. A........ Any kind of a painter but a cubist. +Rep......... See G. O. P. +R. I. P..... See following pages. +Sir......... Writers and tea merchants. +U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson. + + + +OBITUARY + +Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A. +Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress. +Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust. +Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City. +Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark. +Dewey, George E., of U. S. N. +Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico. +Din, Gunga, of Kipling. +Dreyfus, Captain, of France. +Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic. +Gorky, Maxime, of Russia. +Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco. +Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey. +Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London. +Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle. +Huerta, V., General of Mexico. +Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London. +Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A. +Lloyd-George, David, of England. +Manuel, King, of Portugal. +Pankhurst, Mrs., of England. +Patti, Adelina, of Wales. +Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr. +Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia. +Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook." +Shackelton, Earnest, of England. +Shuster, Morgan, of Persia. +Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall. +Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A. +Time, Father, of Everywhere. +Turkey. +Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City. + + + +BIOGRAPHIES + +A + +ADAM[1] (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and +inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his +parentage. Born first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of +his childhood. Education: Self-educated. Entered the +gardening and orchard business when a young man. Was a strong +anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. Children, Cain +and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but +eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost +favor of the proprietor of the garden, and failed in business. +A. started a number of things which have not been perfected. +Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: Chess, agriculture. +Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of all +exclusive clubs. + +[1] Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that +position out of respect. + + + +ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden +with his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a +sheep raising business. Finally had a row with his brother, +and was knocked out in the first round. + +ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City, +Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and +control the pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing +markets. Camel and sheep merchant. Considerable land was +willed him. A. prospered. Married Sarah (last name unknown). +Marital infelicity followed, A. having an affair with Mrs. +Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the family lived +happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people. +Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan. +Clubs: Country. + +ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando +Francesco, of the Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion +of his life taking care of his name, climbing mountains, +fighting Turks, and denying rumors regarding his marriage. + +ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a +bath, but forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of +the siege of Troy. Died before receiving pension. + +AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his +childhood except that he was fond of dogs and played with the +cat. Later he made animals his life's study. A. discovered the +zoological principal that a turtle can run faster than a +rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. Publications: +Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece. +Clubs: Zoological Societies. + +ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a +genii with which he could secure anything an American +millionaire or actress can now purchase. + +ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system +for removing the financial interests of the country from the +common people and placing them in the hands of the few. + +ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job. + +AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in +the year 1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable +journey through the Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he +became an author and lecturer. Publications: The South Pole. +Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the U. S. Later A. retired +and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more poles, a few +more books. + +ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt. + +ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever +lived. In the height of a brilliant stage career she fell in +love, and decided that a quiet home with a husband and children +was more to be desired than the empty plaudits of the crowd, +and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies. + +ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in +Italy, but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed +his talents by making cartoons of the teachers. These were +unappreciated. Moved to Florence, where he bought some +chisels, brushes, and saw his first model. A. remained a +bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a brilliant +church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to +give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made +permanent. Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the +Medici family, leading politicians of his time. It is difficult +to leave Italy without seeing much of his work. A. never +favored the cubists or post-impressionists. Recreations: +Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome. + +ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and +could not forget what he saw. + +ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her +husband to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, +her humor terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to +eat cake during a bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated. +Ambition: Anything but October 16, 1791. Recreation: +Versailles; looking through a grated window. Address: +Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris. + +APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his +statues, patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table +water named in his honor. Career: See longer and less +respectable biographies. A. was the first person to sing to +the accompaniment of a musical instrument, but he was a good +singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel, +archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical. + +ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood +milking cows and embroidering. When the English ministry began +operations in France J. dropped her embroidery in the milk +bucket and began suffragetting. She did not break windows or +blow up anything. Gathered a host of males about her and +captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, but +again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and +burnt up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid. +Recreation: Barn dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans +Suffragette. + +ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece. + +ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, +and themselves out of the government jails. + +ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history +with a bad odor attached to it. + +ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured +the Round Table, and did all the things a good English king +should do. Little is known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was +crowned in Westminster Abbey, but without the American +contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed away from +the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was a +wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing. +Address: Windsor, Buckingham. + +ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in +his country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was +also a favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a +successful wing-dipping expedition against some of his +countrymen who held titles to names and property. Also juggled +dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George). Ambition: Women +without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address: +Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical. + +ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts +with nurses and cooks, spends his time boasting about South +Africa and the U. S. A., posing for motion pictures, and +exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ as to his marksmanship, +although it is now conceded he can often hit a man-sized target +at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, must be +clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea. +Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, +Kipling, blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities. +Ambition: Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket +bath-tubs, and restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See +Emperor William. + +ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a +preacher. Edited a huge book which bears his name. + +AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered +for crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering +somebody, for making speeches, or building triumphant arches or +ruins. + + + +B + +BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. +His first appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic +father. Education: At home. Career: A series of adventures. +Was frequently ill, a poor sleeper, toy demolisher, throat +exerciser, nurse distractor, and a general nuisance. Despite +his shortcomings he ruled Home with an iron hand--a tear caused +a doctor-- a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: Principally +liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair +pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother. + +BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good +fellow, and the founder of the "morning after" feeling. +Studied vine raising when a young man. Discovered that grapes +were not intended for a food. Invented the greatest pleasure +and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became a traveler. +Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland, +everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the +United States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe +in France, and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. +Recreation: Paris. Address: Greece. Clubs: All, except W. +C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The Throats Of His +Countrymen. + +BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare. + +BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. +Childhood and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel +when quite young. First visited Switzerland, where he climbed +every peak, walked every path, hired every guide, and did +everything a tourist should so. His field of travel widened +until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the +United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he +slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank +every wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train; +visited every ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store; +mastered every language, science, art, literature, custom, +history, and drew maps and plans of everything. Publications: +Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home. Ambition: Tourists. +Residence: Germany. + +BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the +talking forces of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition +seats on both sides of the house, and an epitaph over the home +rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's golf and writing deep +books. + +BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which +may be discussed in respectable company. + +BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went +to sleep. + +BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness. + +BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early +days in the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided +in cellars. John had a red nose. Was a great friend of +Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he is an "iser," and he will be a +"will be-er." Ambition: The end of temperance societies. + +BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, +the clown, and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show +he taught that some Americans were Progressives part of the +time; that other Americans were Republicans all the time, but +that all Americans were not Democrats all the time. + +BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was +a great friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at +Versailles a success. She always preferred marcel waves to +pompadours. Ambition: To have and to hold. Address: See +Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette. + +BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron +of gold mine investors and American tourists in Europe. + +BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of +wives, before Reno was discovered. + +BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the +suit of a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through +heaven, and made arrangements for his travels in the other +place. B. died a famous old maid. Ambition: A lover with +money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. Dante Had She Wanted +To. + +BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller. + +BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and +nuisance. Started the saying, "Number, please." + +BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to +be correct. + +BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks +into Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts. + +BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in +everything. + +BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born +before birth records were inaugurated, and no historian has +been able to determine her age. Career: On the stage at four +months. During her young-woman and goodlooking days-hood B. is +said to have made a hit with European nobility. In her +declining years she made a few other fortunes in the United +States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, +perfumes, perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. +Ambition: The fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, +acting. Address: Private cars and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. +She also has a telephone. + +BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American +boy. He began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the +plains of the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a +fortune in a tent. Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy +ambition in the hearts of young America. He also made a goatee +and a big hat famous. Played the show market a little too long. + +BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, +and made people laugh. + +BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any +Ireland has ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an +emperor, changed the Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into +Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work overtime for his +country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in +Germany. + +BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered. + +BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy +of navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English +Channel without being seasick. + +BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also +was not the only German general who ever fought France. + +BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him). + +BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. +Being an old maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the +parrot or the cat. Her endeavors were confined to horses, and +one of her paintings is considered fair. + +BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never +fought a battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted +campaigns in Great Britain and the United States, with brass +bands and collection devises. The army later became a +suffragette institution when women were admitted as recruits, +and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter collection +forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers +and troopesses. + +BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor). + +BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your +bank account and told how you paid your bills. His +complimentary comments are highly valued. + +BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it +without being fined or driven out of business. + +BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by +espousing the cause of the negro. This resulted in his body +moulding in the grave. + +BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure +of life by springing into print when young, and keeping out of +it when old. + +BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are +deciphered by the Bostonese and cultured English people. It +has been estimated that B. could say more with fewer words and +conceal his meaning better than any writer since the adaptation +of the alphabet as a means of expression. + +BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were +easily understood, and consequently seldom read. + +BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease +in his pantaloons than for his head. + +BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer. + +BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a +newspaper and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists +claim B. formed a passion to rule the nation when a child. He +only got as far as the Democratic party and platforms. Became a +golden orator with a silver speech and offered himself as a +rectifier of all things not Bryan. For ages his name was +placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. Made a +fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also +toured the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. +Was the father of Bryanism, an odious word meaning things +Bryan. Later secured one Wilson to attend to Washington detail +work. Motto: All things come to him with bait. Ambition: +Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, a +newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail +forwarded from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again. + +BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and +weakness. He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and +caused many a man to lose the keyhole. + +BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned +reformer. Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and +referendum. Nailed several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in +his platform. After B.'s death his friends filled the Orient +with his bronzes. He was fat and wore a fascinating wart on his +forehead. + +BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who +inhabits a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North +Atlantic. Born several hundred years ago and is beginning to +show his age. Is fond of the sea and is said to have a fine +fleet. This has had off years, notably 1812. B. has had +trouble with a son who wishes to leave the paternal protection. +Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, the Pankhurst +family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly social +organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception +committee for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates +buildings, poses for stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and +raises princesses of Wales for magazine articles and crowning +purposes. B. is a monitor of English style; wears a monocle, +spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and never makes his +appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word +"egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes +but himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea, +Week Ends. Address: Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, +Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See Emperor William Again. + +BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love +poems about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable +feats-- making poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a +girl in Scotland who was as beautiful as his lines declare. + +BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has +remained the same size and age for the past eight years. + +BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to +get away from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and +wrote poems. + + + +C + +CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great +politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics +as the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs. +Became a fair general despite his poor service training. +Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army and capturing +Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland or +Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally +included Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with +the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote books and +paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest +senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but +escaped the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest +funeral orations over delivered over a corpse. He was also +awarded a few triumphant arches. Publications: Omnes Gallia +est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome: Address: +Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member +of the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph: +Veni, Vidi. + +CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag. + +CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House +of Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. +occupied the chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and +trusts from the unkind remarks of congressmen who knew things +and him. Was finally retired from the chair by the Democrats, +and from Congress by his constituents. Grave: 1912 election. +Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty days once +more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P. + +CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean +could wave at him. + +CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which +wears a crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: +Northern Spain. + +CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government +tobacco factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician +rescued her. Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the +cities throughout the world, made love to several singers, and +then been killed by a bull fighter after singing her way +through five acts. + +CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old +American who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace +buildings, and advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman +he scotched his three dollars a week and purchased the steel +trust. Later retired. Ambition: Universal peace with all +dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a library in every +town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn the root of +all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address: +University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland. + +CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble. + +CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the +Victor Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or +a sore throat, a condition which assisted materially in filling +the house. Like all his contemporaries, C. has been sued for +divorce and breach of promise, has lost his jewelry, visited +zoological gardens, sung for charity, given farewell concerts, +and done other things to help his newspaper and box-office +reputation. + +CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was +successful for a time in the U. S. + +CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see +Pollux). + +CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce +American-Irish politics into South America. Acquired a +fortune, which was greatly increased by a personal friendship +with the American asphalt trust. Was revolutioned a few times, +and finally escaped with the mint and his life. Career: +Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York +police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ? + +CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the +Treasury, who had different ideas of taxation. + +CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his +business. Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic +liners combined. Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None. +Address: The Styx. + +CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the +English language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known +work is used as a student puzzle in leading universities and +colleges. Ambition: A typewriter and a dictionary. + +CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed +clothes, and made chop suey until he had enough money to return +to his native land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium. + +CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living. + +CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living. + +CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in +politics. Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement. + +CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two +sisters in society. Historians have questioned her claims to +fame, but they may easily be substantiated by millions of +children. + +CLAUS, Santa, poor father. + +CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a +threadless needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was +unsuccessful in her love and naval affairs, and finally became +a mummy through the auspices of an adder. Ambition: An +Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: Barging +with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid. + +CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and +ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering +cash, and the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many +people, but never quite reached the top. Both died trying to +get there. Ambition: An English nobleman in the family. +Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. Address: See +Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they +wanted. + +COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. +Great smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers. + +COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat +burnings. + +COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have +been born in Genoa. Something made him believe the world was +round. He endeavored to secure money to prove his theory, but +nobody cared whether he was correct or not. Realizing there +was no capital or prophet in his own country, he took passage +to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into equipping an +expedition for him to discover America. She did and he did. +Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation: +Deck shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: +Palos Yacht. + +COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when +we were taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. +Recreation: Tea. Ambition: An invitation to dinner. + +CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. +C. and taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do +things backward. He also was the founder of ancestor worship. +This still is practiced in England, but never in the United +States or Australia. Recreation: Fireworks. Ambition: A +Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More Majorum. + +CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" +in all history books. + +COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at +a tender age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and +in the management of the house. When she departed there was +weeping, and wailing, and waiting. Diet: Usually large and +everything of the best. Ambition: An American policeman, or +Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: The whole +house. + +COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich +Islands and who took the first Cook's tour around the world. + +COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered +the north pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.) + +COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating +travel literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save +you money. Owns and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. +Publications: The Come On Books. Ambition: Those Americans +who want to see everything. Also "first timers." Address: Any +foreign city equipped with tourists. + +COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his +father save money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in +Paris. + +COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in +building a reputation. + +CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion +fighter of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a +good word. Many persons wish he might be the Corbett he used +to be. Ambition: A white champion. + +CORELLI,[2] Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful +love scenes. She is said to have written some books which +brought her fame and royalty. C. does not approve of society +except her own. She remains secluded with her typewriter at +Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only being seen by her +publishers and the editor. Publications: See book stores and +railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All +anti-suffragette. + +[2] Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the +next edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations +of book reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen +into the "was" class. The editor never contradicts a book +reviewer. + + + +COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the +world which did not take up collections or give away Christmas +dinners. + +CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world +to see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column +for his employers. + +CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy +without trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market. + +CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of +Irish parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics, +which resulted in his gaining the friendship of the New York +police force. C. was elected. C. was very poor. Later +retired to his native land with two Atlantic liners filled with +salary. Ambition: An Irish president. Recreation: English +Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York +Democratic. + +CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, +and went about England tearing down churches. He also assisted +in putting King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in +England on a reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was +honored by having his round head placed as a decoration over +Westminster Hall. + +CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. +Visited a sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked +to parrots; found some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned +to England to become an author. + +CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one +at least once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to +mischievous tricks. It was he who made kings fall in love with +poor country girls; chauffeurs with their ladies, and beggars +with princesses. C. held all men and women equal provided they +were good, and he made the happiest people on earth when they +listened to his voice. He witnessed several international +engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants gave him +a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some +roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At +times he caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When +C. stayed in a house the sun was always shining. You should be +at home when he calls. Ambition: That sigh. Recreation: +Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. Clubs: None. He prefers +the fireside and moonlight nights. + +CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print +without being a suffragette or an actress. + +CZAR. See Russia. + + + +D + +DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat +of remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for +the insurance. + +DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, +lover, and poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but +used too much slang. Later fell in love. The girl (see her) +knew what journalists were, and refused to spoon. Exasperated, +he began a bombardment of poetry. That settled it. D. then +entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix with love and +his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished. +Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his +bust while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia. +Publications: Poems, tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition: +To be Beatrice's Romeo. Recreation: Travel. Address: II via +Dante, Florence. Seldom at home. + +DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution. + +DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the +world that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of +the truly brave who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement. + +DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered +that many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his +theories with the exception of one link. The clergymen claimed +that a chain with one link missing was no chain, and that D. +was a nature faker. Publications: Origin of Species, a +valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the currency +bill. + +DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and +rescued little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.) + +DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion +sling shot, and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army +as a volunteer, and was awarded medals for his attack upon +Goliath. Appointed musician to the royal household. Became +friendly with the Prince of Wales and succeeded in doing him +out of the coronation. Later was elected king. Fell in love +with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her husband +a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol. +Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address: +Jerusalem. + +DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a +lifetime, usually toward the close. Patron of insurance +companies. Nothing is known of his childhood. Historians claim +he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; wore a sheet over his +head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. Never brought +happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to some +one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. +Many doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he +continues to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None. +Ambition: A happy home and prosperous graveyards. Recreation: +Sharpening scythes. Address: Always hung out a black cloth +wherever he resided. + +DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also +accompanied Samson on a number of European and American opera +expeditions. + +DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where +the cost of living has ever been high. He introduced the +French menu into the U. S. and with it considerable +indigestion. + +DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker. + +DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in +France. + +DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator +from the state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, +dedicated monuments; married a young wife, and was relegated to +obscurity by the American voters. + +DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more +than her clothes. + +DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract +a royal press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary. + +DEVIL, see Old Nic. + +DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without +which no cold day is complete. + +DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed +a Spanish armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a +nation; had cigars named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was +paraded through the streets; married a widow; moved to +Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, and got out of the +newspapers. + +DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, +and the chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt. +Address: Ephesus. + +DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who +departed from the social functions of a king to assist the +government. Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned +his actions on a Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was +requested to move. Ambition: A revolution with himself on +top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty years in the +White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me. + +DICE, see Thomas and Harry. + +DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the +messenger boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an +important part in the lives of the boys who never visited the +Carnegie libraries. + +DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote. + +DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. +Employed in H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes. +Fought in many battles. Frequently gave bad water to soldiers. +Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was shot while in the act. Saved +the government the price of a medal. His pathetic story was +widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the U. S. and +Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the +story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes. +Recreation: Sleep. Address: Care of biographer. + +DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored +to find something with a lantern which could not even be +located with a searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. +Recreation: Cleaning globes. Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here +Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible. + +DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to +run England. + +DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by +persons who forged his name. + +DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off +their hats, shout, and whistle when he rode into town. + +DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies. + +DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed +the world how easily some people were deprived of their money +and religion. + +DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public +square named after him. D. also introduced the spud into +Ireland. + +DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and +intended doing something to-day. Spent much time thinking about +the best girl in the world. A great friend of Procrastinator. +Went through life waiting for to-morrow. Several men, however, +with the same name, have awakened and given their dreams to the +world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth). + +DREW, John, prehistoric American actor. + +DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail +by being one of the few innocent men who got into print. + +DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good +layer on. + +DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an +early age and never recovered, despite the services of +specialists. + +DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to +open a charge account. + + + +E + +EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most +expensive sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, +tourists. Address: Rochester and London. Clubs: Camera. + +EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made +millions by telling the world there was no such thing as the +toothache, sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer. + +EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the +exception of the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor. + +EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who +was wise enough to stop before he got too high. + +EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When +a young man he became a benedict, a condition in which he +remained until well along in years. As fast as a queen +appeared at the breakfast table with her hair down her back, +she was dispatched to the block. A couple of queens got ahead +of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces as +Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later +years he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A +harem. Recreation: Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: +Windsor. + +ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece +to the British Museum. Also had something to do with the +interior of watches. + +ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). +Later he went somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a +chariot driver. + +ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the +boys. E. reigned when people did things. She was wooed and +lost by an Armada (see Philip II). She finally walked over +Raleigh's coat, and later wiped her feet on him. E. had a +sister by the name of Mary, who was better looking, and less +fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced into +England. Other and less important events of her reign were: +Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: +She did not have any. + +ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books. + +EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town +of Italy; a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust +his affairs to a brainier man, and was thus made famous (see +Girabaldi). + +EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers +to conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the +practical theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived +before the time of the taxi. + +EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and +that pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive +hotels and eat only in high-class restaurants. Many suffer +with the gout. A popular cat foot was named in his honor. + +ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of +breakfast food. + +ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain +of the book, married the hero, and lived happily ever +afterward. + +EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as +far back as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the +shortest distance between two points is a crow's flight, and +that two parallel lines always compete. + +EVE, see Mrs. Adam. + +EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich +husband after the fashion of books. + + + +F + +FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did +not fit his religion. + +FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to +ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold. + +FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his +younger days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have +applied himself to school or business. Found fault with life +and everybody, but was never wrong himself. Unpopular. A +great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, and the poor house. +Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The other +fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. +Clubs: None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really +Tried. + +FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French +government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of +the vast collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the +world. + +FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk. + +FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron +saint of French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores +changing the cut of ladies' clothes and the shape of their +hats. Created some awful looking things. F. made the poor men +work very hard to keep up to her. Publications: Editor of all +Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, and New York City. +Epitaph: (Would that she had one.) + +FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love +during his second young manhood, traveled in a warm country, +and sang his way to fame. + +FAWES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in +Parliament without introducing home rule or suffrage bills. + +FINN, Huc, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom). + +FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub +the black spot from the ring. + +FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing. + +FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with +the men. She appeared in all large cities with the best looking +chorus that ever wore tights. F. created such a sensation that +every living actress of note is willing to be classified as a +former member of her company. Had a miserable cigar named after +her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York City. Epitaph: +There Were Not Many Like Flora. + +FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty +days for a big sale. + +FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an +unintelligent woman and one who never could understand. +Followed his natural bents, even as you and I. Wasted several +years. Wept profusely. End unknown. Recreation: Vampires. +Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One. + +FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with +brains. He discovered that lightning was composed of +electricity, that politics paid better than printing, and that +the French Court was more lively than the Continental Congress. + +FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics. + +FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but +he came around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know +of your success, pitied you in your failures, and shook you by +the hand when you were down and out. Never borrowed money, but +he frequently lent it. Was a wise counsellor. Very popular. +His name was frequently given the baby (see Mischief). +Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At the +other fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or +his own. Clubs: All. + +FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as +the only woman in the history of mankind who admitted her old +age. + +FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a +fortune for the Cunard and White Star lines. + + + +G + +GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as +the agent for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to +move. Historians claim he will again be in Who's Who when St. +Peter (see him) makes the inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs. +Recreation: Aviation. + +GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait +manufacturer. + +GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by +declaring the world revolved when everybody knew it was +stationary. Manufactured the first spy-glass, an instrument +which has since been used in theatres and for various other +purposes. Also discovered that clocks were equipped with +pendulums. + +GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when +out of office. + +GARDEN,[3] Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera +stage. Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a +child. This was expensively cultivated in Europe, was later +exposed before English and American congregations, and her +Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes packed the houses. +Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants a +husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera +houses and suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners. + +[3] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. + + + +GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea +party. He espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor), +and successfully Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every +town in his country, ran second to V. E. in the number of +statues erected to his appearance, and for three years held the +championship for eating spaghetti. + +GARRICK, an old English matinee idol. + +GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun. + +GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when +mortally wounded. + +GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in +general, and one Walpole in particular, to run England. + +GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars. + +GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign +of William Pitt, and believed in taxing tea. + +GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our +contemporary Who's Who). + +GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician. +Entered politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes. +Was a modest member of the House of Commons, seldom speaking +more than four times on any bill. Kept climbing until he +became under secretary of something, order keeper of the Board +of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent position in the +Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home rule +millstone, and hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A +dynamite-proof house, a tax on air. Recreation: (see +Asquith). Address: Front row House of Commons. Clubs: +Anti-conservative. + +GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old +inhabitants before the market was so wet. + +GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which +cuts barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to +clean. + +GIRL, The Chorus, Um! + +GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model. + +GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England, +chopped trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with +the Irish home rule. + +GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book +which everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then +re-reads it when the doors are locked. In the United States a +law has been passed compelling booksellers to include a bottle +of disinfectant whenever a G. book is sold. Ambition: A +publisher who is not afraid of the police. Recreation: +Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs: +Always blackballed. + +GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book. + +GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited +at the Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight. + +GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words +rhyme. + +GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in +one round by a lightweight. Defeat attributed to +overconfidence. Friends said nothing like that had ever entered +his head. + +GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism, +but who adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale. + +GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who +told some awful untruths to the innocent. + +GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest +writer who ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At +the age of fourteen began shaving and wearing long trousers. At +twenty-one G. was considered of age. Began writing while a +child. Penmanship so poor he took to the typewriter. Wrote Who +Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some one did. +Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.) +Recreation: Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when +financially able. Other times in one of those confounded +newspaper offices. + +GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the +government and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of +the United States accompanied by another man's wife. Learned +that this was not the usual custom in America. His managers +and hotel proprietors requested him to continue his travels. +Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people. Publications: +Much unpatriotic literature. + +GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line +of which is remembered by everybody. + +GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who +never was bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he +worked. Historians claim this was due to his poor salary. + +GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some +distance from Land's End. + +GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of +decapitation, who had such confidence in his invention that he +was the first to give it a practical demonstration. + +GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never +submitted his proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a +gullible public. Never lectured. + + + +H + +HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating +before he was abdicated. + +HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy +family. + +HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and +called it homeopathy. + +HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark. + +HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion +promiser, and a sick man. When a youth he began instructing +the monarchs of Europe in the use of a government. One of his +favorite pastimes was reading ultimatums. Fearless until a +warship entered the harbor, and even then usually got rid of it +with promises. Employed massacres to break the monotony of +reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk +cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be +ostlerized (see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and +salary, and locked him up in a palace. Then the wise ones lost +Tripoli and about everything but sleeping room in Europe. +Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on the job. +Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem. +Epitaph: Everybody Worked But Father. + +HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also +founded the foolish questions. + +HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high +prices, and buildings upon certain communities. + +HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote +a few other airs. + +HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.) + +HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American +university near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., +where football players and the sons of American millionaires +eke out an education. + +HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his +patients had blood which circulated. The discovery has since +been of some profit to his successors. + +HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his +name. Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other +varieties to the world. + +HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches +(also see Napoleon). + +HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, +and exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It +is said the poem has been parodized. + +HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty +or death. From all that can be ascertained he secured the +latter. + +HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic +games and laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which +are even questioned by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed +about everybody, erected two pillars, stole some apples, and, +in short, did everything but enter politics or invent a +breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. Recreation: +Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs: +Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen. + +HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to +death simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a +great American poet used bad taste in writing the biography of +such a man. + +HICHENS,[4] Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah. +Experimented with belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and +multitudes of readers hope he will remain there for some time +to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: Filling his fountain +pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the Publisher. +Home: Sicily. + +[4] Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day, +and is compelled to make the biography flattering. + + + +HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a +celebrated rain storm. + +HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and +went to Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was +heard by great crowds. Produced statistics to show how few +saloons failed after a lecture. + +HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured +inexpensive literature and theatres. This fired his mind to +eliminate Scotland Yard as a crime-detecting agency. Entered +the profession of a detective, but was unknown until Doctor +Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was then made. All +the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he only +told what he knew about society--! H. solved the most +complicated mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle, +and was only baffled in locating the murderer of Cock Robin. +His name struck terror into the hearts of criminals and +competing publishers. After all the criminals in England had +been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the great +H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in +time to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the +suffragette case. Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation: +Fond of Doyle's works and the violin. Address: 31 Baker +Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: Au Revoir, +But. + +HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began +career as a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for +incompetence, and took up honest writing. Found a publisher +who thought his writings would sell to posterity. Later H. +took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war correspondent for +the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. Ambition: +Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and +school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth +Estate. + +HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a +wolf which had previously partaken of a relative. + +HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the +rich and gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for +stories. + +HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for +Harvey's discovery. + +HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near +relation of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and +gave her name to the world. She was the first woman to +manufacture ideals, and has been made the patron saint of the +suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went about making life +worth while. She was loved by all those millions of lovers and +all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do +things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success. +Address: Perhaps she has resided in your home. + +HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who +sang and drank of the Falernian wine. + +HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the +Tiber without getting stuck in the mud. + +HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever +lived. Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his +picture and ran long articles about his life, family, +eccentricities, etc. Won fame in war, science, pulpit, +aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, finance, by +saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were +infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful +women. Made addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He +was the man everyone wanted to shake by the hand so they could +tell other people they had done it. Ambition: Another hour. +Recreation: Basking. Address: All countries. Clubs: All +open. + +HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ +extra telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He +also was responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation." + +HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large +cities, showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the +villain, packed up, and moved to the next town. + +HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened +newspapers. Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only +controlling a few newspapers. He soon purchased others. His +magical touch changed their color. Employed the greatest staff +of imaginary geniuses ever gathered together. These men had the +ability to write unhampered by mere details or facts. H. also +employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. Fortified +by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and +newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. +Was always Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan. +Recreation: Reading yellow journals. Address: All large +American cities. Epitaph: The Vote Is Mightier Than The Pen. + +HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.) + + + +I + +IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words +to rhyme at the ends of the lines. + +ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first +tumble. Selected water as the spot for his fall, and was not +picked up with the debris. Ambition: A Wright machine. +Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece. Clubs: Aero. + +IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life +except that he built a celebrated fort to protect the poor +Cossacks from the molestations of the populace. Was probably +blown up or died in prison. + +INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within +the reach of authors and artists. Historians claim he would +have made another fortune had he lived when the sun-dial trust +had its own way. + +INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not +believe in anything, and made a fortune by telling people what +he believed. + +INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome. + +IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited +Westminster Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few +biographies. + +ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.[5] Spent his +childhood like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca, +claimed by historians to have been a Jewess. Had two famous +sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but especially the latter). Died +at the tender age of 180 years. + +[5] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity +He did his best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed. + + + +ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her +clothes until the Moors were driven from the country. Her +husband, the king, raised an army and accomplished the feat. +I.'s name is sometimes connected with the discovery of America. +This, however, is an error, as Columbus took a more active +part. + +ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing. + +ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his +father's estate. Traveled extensively in the desert with his +mother. + + + +J + +JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water +carrier. Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in +the valley. (See Jill.) + +JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother +of Esau. Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character +impersonator, but never went on the stage. Left home suddenly. +Slept on a stone and had hard dreams. Later married, and was +responsible for Joseph and his brethren. (See Joe.) + +JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm. + +JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and +appeared in paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, +the author, and the publisher. + +JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be +elected king of England. + +JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage. + +JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark. + +JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory. + +JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his +gloves and bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.) + +JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own +medicine. + +JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the +face of the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of +such men as Eugene Sue and Lew Wallace. + +JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the +accident occurred. + +JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like +all rich men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and +entered the market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the +real estate market. The market tumbled and so did J. Family +troubles also distressed him. His camels died of the colic or +were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard luck he patronized +the temple, and believed while there was money it could be had. +Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, and +ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the +New York Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation: +Sackcloth and ashes. + +JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion +prize-fighter of the world, who learned that too much chicken, +automobile, and champagne made even a colored gentleman a +"waser." + +JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the +greatest press agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made +famous. Also wrote. + +JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for +taking a rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he +was the jonah. Swam until he was tired, and finally made a +morsel for a fish. Tradition has it that J. was tough and +indigestible. He remained three days and three nights in the +interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable +annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam +ashore, and thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and +the illness of his rescuer. His story was published. Still +causes some comment. Tradition also says that J. never could +look a fish in the face after the harrowing incident. +Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. Address: +Sodom. Clubs: Alpine. + +JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor. + +JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture +post-card. + +JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and +was only prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of +the place. + +JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a +young man he became his father's favorite, while his brethren +had to do the heavy work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the +ire of his brethren, resulting in Joe being sold as a slave, +and in the coat being sent to the cleaners. J. journeyed to +Egypt, where he refused to elope with the Pharaohess. Her +husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in prison, and +afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A famine +occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in +provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe, +who thanked them for the good luck they had thrust upon him. + +JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who +carried a heart which was broken by the ambitions of a man. + +JUDAS, suicide. + +JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her +first name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of +her husband, although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on +the puppet stage for a few hundred years, displaying her +domestic infelicity. + +JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make +love on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, +and had a splendid sale. (See Romeo.) + +JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and +a regular Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: +Killing giants, disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: +Olympia. + +JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been +frequently erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States +J. carried scales with a small statue of politics in one pan, +and money in the other. Her statues in other countries are said +to be different, although occasionally the little statues are +found in the pans. + + + +K + +KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; +a German of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, +considerable comment in England, and much applause in his own +country. Was also a naval constructor. Born of royal parents. +Inherited his father's position. At a tender age he formed a +passion for an army. Like all royal children, he had his own +way. His plaything has grown steadily, is in fine condition, +but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. His later +years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for what +purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also +honored by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his +exhibition through Europe. It is said he could not learn +anything from his adviser. Heir: The crown prince. Ambition: +His army applied to the socialists. Recreation: Army. +Address: Army. Clubs: Army. + +KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely +on account of the invention which prevented men from going home +to a scolding without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared +his cure was as good as gold. Was strongly opposed by John +Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New York, London, +or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians are +endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached. +Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from +business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U. + +KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and +heartfelt commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More +grapes. Recreation: A flask, books, and a Persian "thou." +Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What He Preached. + +KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure +which several people have been sure they could locate. Was said +to have been one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship. + +KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and +accomplishments. + +KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted. + +KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the +kirk into Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate. + +KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made +England scrub up. + +KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell +concert. + + + +L + +LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. +He was such an attentive listener and heard so much that the +leading cemetery in Paris was named in his honor. + +LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of +tears to place smiles on paper. + +LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable +talent. Ambition: Those old time lovers. + +LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. +Together with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered +with a bad attack. Address: Vatican, Rome. + +LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had +a brow like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in +Scotland to whom Burns did not write a few poems. L. was +engaged to be married; no record of the ceremony can be found. + +LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to +become a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on +Irish questions. Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except +in the south of Ireland. Address: Parliament. This will +probably hold good for several editions of Who Was Who. Clubs: +Conservative, of course. + +LAW,[6] Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused +ancient whose life and story has been written by malicious +biographers. In reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to +dinner, permitted the gas to be turned down, and always knocked +before she came into the room. Later she wiped the dishes, +took care of her grandchild (see Baby), helped pay the bills, +and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she had. +Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our +house most of the time. Clubs: Suffrage. + +[6] Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the +accuracy of the above. + + + +LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler. + +LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also +Jupiter, Castor, and Pollux. + +LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal +saucerers to the king. + +LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her +debut. Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. +Ambition: To find another widow. + +LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her +with a good song. + +LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead +long enough for historians to make him famous. Ambition: +Song, women, and wine. Recreation: Wine, women, and song. +Address: Several in Brussels. Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab +Illo. + +LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes +Italy and Poland to the United States. + +LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising +cheese. + +LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with +Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter +politics or the police force. Ambition: That cup. + +LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, +and played the piano. + +LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects +for the sale of this book. + +LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides +herself when the tourist goes down the Rhine. + +LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband. + +LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which +became practical. She also was considered one of the salt of +the earth. + +LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's +into France. Put the "is" in Paris. + +LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron +of cafe's. + +LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. +Continued the works of his predecessors. + +LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work +of his predecessors. + +LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe. + +LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. +Started pre-tango dancing. + +LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French +menu. + +LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and +dressmakers into Paris. + +LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. +Fought the Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought +7,000,000 francs worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work +in the Crusades. Not a patron of his ancestors. Very +unpopular in Paris. + +LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. +Very popular. + +LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear +of the discovery of the United States. + +LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were +discovered. + +LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for +him. Was a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general. + +LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, +salon decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted +Paris in acquiring her reputation. Built Versailles, the +Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He was the man who captured +Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon III.) Motto: I am +the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles. +Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. +Address: Versailles. + +LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns +of Queens Pompadour and Du-Barry. + +LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of +his ancestors, but--. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the +turkey trot and the salome dance at Versailles. While his +subjects were starving he ate pate de foies gras. They objected +and carried his White Wigginess to Paris, where he ended his +reign. Ambition: To have been any one of his ancestors, even +No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. Address: +Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head +Which Wore A Crown. + +LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long +enough to have the good times of his ancestors, and the only +Louis for whom the world has a word of sympathy. + +LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who +got back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and +Napoleon had subsided. + +LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, +lunatic, and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young +manhood he met Her. From that moment all other hers he had +known became lemons. L. was an expert prevaricator. Polished +shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, and never ate onions. +Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas or electric lights. +Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled occasionally. +Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. Walked +on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends who +wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked +wonderfully beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep +quiet. Her blushed, permitted him to sit closer, and then told +L. he was the dearest, sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, +bravest lovey in the wide, wide world. Later L. secured an +embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry store. Diet: +Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs: +None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go. + +LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition. + + + +M + +McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver. + +McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization, +frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the +world's championship. + +MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist. + +MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a +rainy day. + +MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights. + +MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a +child. Only calls after supper. Tells the little one he has +played enough for the day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. +When M. departs the little bundle is asleep in the nursery or +all cuddled up in Mother's lap. Ambition: Sand for the older +folks. + +MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced +Parisian life into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise +young man. Overlooked the fact that a king may rule a nation, +but frequently is a poor press agent. Became incensed at his +army and subjects. Moved in haste. Ambition: Lisbon and a +dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. Address: Watch +bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And His +Kingdom Are Soon Parted. + +MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could +rule a city, but not a woman. + +MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women +to gaze in mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day. + +MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph +poles and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it +possible for New York stock brokers to continue their business +while journeying to Paris. + +MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by +making a voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently +been duplicated on liners out of the regular tourist season. + +MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and +the tourist who dwelt within his canals. + +MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which +tastes too good. + +MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom +was seen without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her +one day, thus causing considerable mirth among the pupils. Was +severely reprimanded by the teacher, as it was against the +regulations of the institution to permit animals, other than +the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the lamb to the +stable. Her biography has been extensively published. + +MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" +about himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. +Recreation: Bluebird raising. + +MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, +who introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a +young man he discovered that the tourists were not paying +enough money to see the sights. With the assistance of some +handsomely gowned women he opened a cafe on the Rue Royal where +they could. For years it was patronized by his countrymen +until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists were +permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French +cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, +hear champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. +Ambition: Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press +Agent: The Merry Widow and the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph: +Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense. + +MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things +to kill people, and not to financially ruin them. + +MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered +by those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for +Methodists or Presbyterians. + +MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an +acute stage. + +MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the +bottle. + +MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man +goes to his fate. + +MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion +perquisite. Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His +picture has been widely distributed, but never admired. + +MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet +and feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model. +Ambition: A telegraph. Recreation: Same as the gods. +Address: General delivery. + +METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand. + +MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was +instantly made the patron saint of France. + +MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat). + +MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known +by everybody and the contents by few. + +MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to +bring the price of champagne to within the reach of +millionaires. + +MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced +mormonism into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured +crescents, religion, and made Mecca the mecca for everything. +Early life spent in business. This did not pay. He then +married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a hobby. +Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his +kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were +given the alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid +damascus blade or Islam. They always became fervently +religious. Later M. embarked on a marrying campaign with equal +success. Publications: The Koran, a treatise on everything. +Ambition: The crescent on every flag. Recreation: Walking +toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 Blvd. Allah, +Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him. + +MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we +do not have to see alone. + +MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of +which nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the +test. + +MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents +in other lines had Marconi lived before his time. + +MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all +generations. Born in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics +as the son of Pharaoh's daughter and the leader of the Ghetto. +When M. waxed astute, after the manner of his people, he +discovered there were not sufficient shekels for himself and +countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued the +king for permission to close the pawn shops and clothing +stores. Now in those days the children of Egypt were wont to +patronize the bazaars of the children of the Chosen, and +Pharaoh was wroth within himself and refused the passports. The +brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and took ship's +leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches to +the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and +his army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this +time the journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this +was due to good business or sore feet history does not relate. +M. later climbed a mountain and received the ten commandments. +After breaking them he returned to camp. He died before the +journey was complete. Publications: Histories. Ambition: A +railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: Tennis and +camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish +Legation. + +MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who +came around when you hit your finger with the hammer. + +MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to +New York City. + +MUMM,[7] the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. +The products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons +who cannot afford them. They form one of the principal +ingredients of a good time (see Paris). + +[7] Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the +above stated facts. + + + +MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his +books, lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned +by scientific men, he is held in high regard due to his failure +to claim the discovery of the north pole. + +MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the +theory that while there was life there was a chance to sell +some of his medicine. + +MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City. + + + +N + +NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl +on his forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good +luck. Started life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all +great men, he was the dunce at school. Later he used his +masters and prize-winning chums as first-row soldiers. Entered +the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. Frequently amused +himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing a city or +an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young +man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. +Then he went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble +with one Nelson of England. N. became unpopular with his +neighbors. They all attacked him. He attacked them all. That +settled it. He ate wars. After the powers were powerless N. +scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He devoured +Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too +cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became +rich and divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into +France and carried a third term. Started things. Began +quarreling again. At last he was cooped up in Paris, and flew +the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited France. Started +things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he was met +by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced +him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England +presented N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and +paid all his living expenses for six years. Later N. became +responsible for one of the sights of Paris. Always carried his +right hand in the front of his coat. Ambition: A French +Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking along the +shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph: +I Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine +Among The Few French People I Did Not Take To War. + +NAPOLEON II. Absent. + +NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. +Ambition: Rough on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. +Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris when the Dutchmen would +permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But No Bonaparte. + +NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined +away into a flower and a tiresome song. + +NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette +who believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be +sober all the time. + +NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to +spell. + +NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, +wireless, and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to +New York. Recreation: Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: +Yacht. + +NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought +nothing burned like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire +departments a necessity in the Eternal City. Ambition: A good +show in the Colosseum. Recreation: Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus +Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow. + +NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her +husband. + +NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the +theory that it is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to +fall than to climb after it. + +NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. +Will stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls +who never fails to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand +when you want to do something you know you should not do. Was +driven from home when a young man. Set up competition and +succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in +existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable +opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great +people who ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much +worry to mothers and wives, but seldom troubled the men. +Publications: French literature; some fine books and pictures. +Occupation: Looking for idle hands. Ambition: You. +Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's, +champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address: +Paris. N. also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum. + +NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who +succeeded without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or +a license. + +NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had +considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity. +When a young man he shunned the ways of young men, and never +sat in the seat of the scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the +Clyde and designed the largest floating stable on record. Made +quite a reputation as an animal collector. Took to the sea +when well advanced in years. N. was the first man to descend +Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension. Publications: +The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger +crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor. +Clubs: Yacht. Epitaph: De Profundis. + +NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor +union weapon. His invention also made possible the premature +discharge of dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes. + + + +O + +O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born +in Dublin, raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed +in Dublin. Dublined in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition +connects his name with the early stages of the home rule bill. +Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. Recreation: Oratory. +Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: Green. + +O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still +bragged about. + +ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made +it a crime to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth +of March. (See St. Patrick.) + +ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. +Practised in obscurity, and later appeared before large +audiences. Made several successful concert tours. Married +Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. The bride did not wear +shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. O. descended +to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian +ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise +to get out of the place without looking around to see what +other respectable people were there. O. started for the door. +He heard familiar voices and rubbered. That ended the +contract, and for all the editor has been able to ascertain +Eurydice is there to this day. + +OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that +all fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men +who got that story into print. Recreation: Medicine. +Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He Practised, But Not What He +Preached. + +OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell +in love with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were +married. Mrs. Othello lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs +and was killed by her enraged husband. Shakespeare, of +England, a writer, heard of the incident and made some money +out of it. + + + +P + +PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who +wore long red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, +and broke pianos. + +PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven +perch by Poe. + +PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. +Born half a man and half a goat. Took after the latter. +Studied music under the old masters and outfluted Apollo. Was +also a sheep fancier. Fathered fife and drum corps. Ambition: +A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. Recreation: Hunting and +falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: Musical. + +PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, +believed in fairies, and crowded houses in England and the +United States. + +PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a +government, starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, +and made speeches for a living. Girlhood spent in developing +muscle, pluck, and theories. She appeared before the public and +declared that the liquor traffic would be terminated when women +voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the men would not +give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry, +although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. +"Votes for Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the +"next." Publications: From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows +I have Smashed. Address: London. Care Scotland Yard. + +PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break +things. + +PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss. + +PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's +wife named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him +honor. + +PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries +and Ulster. Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully +explode dynamite in Parliament without being executed. +Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, a Conservativeless England. +Address: Close to the English ministry. Epitaph: The Bills +Men Introduced Live After Them. + +PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an +opera stage. + +PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until +he came to the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A +subway station in Paris has been named after him. + +PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of +Ireland with the exception of those in bottles. Also +introduced the brogue and the shamrock into the Emerald Isle. + +PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the +United States. There he took up the hod-carrying business. +Went on the stage and set the world laughing. He also entered +politics, captured the American police force, and, together +with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great Britain and the +United States. + +PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. +Epitaph: Cum Grano Salis. + +PEAR,[8] the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps +the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is +international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy. + +[8] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does +not use soap. + + + +PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the +north pole and convinced a few people. Was also forced to +write a book and lecture. Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost +Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a certain man had not made +him get all the way there the last time. Grave: The Cook +incident. + +PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats +boxes. An Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, +built the slow, old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the +American Liberty Bell. + +PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. +Secured his reputation through brains, a voice, and a +well-oiled political machine. Started the golden age of Greece +with a loud blast of the horn of plenty. + +PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of +chocolate making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it +into America. Ambition: More children and people with sweet +teeth. + +PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent +bookkeeper, and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has +taken his name. Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling +hinges. Address: Golden gates. + +PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also +the father of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, +cigarette factories, and made a handsome mummy. + +PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his +suit, endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit +and the armada were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an +old maid. Ambition: To the Inquisition with all Englishmen. +Motto: Faint heart never won fair lady. Address: Spain. + +PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have +saved your hair. + +PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out +of advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who +believed what they read. + +PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held +accounts against many people. Caused considerable worry to his +creditors. + +PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers +more careful of what they said. His invention has secured +wealthy husbands for many a pretty and poor stenographer. + +PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat. + +PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. +Also the manufacturer of a morning beverage. + +PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you +wanted to wear your new hat or go to a ball game. + +POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and +cold chills. + +POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity +to get out of this book. + +POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.) + +POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer. +Began expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and +the Orient. Returned to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors. +He is supposed, however, to have visited the countries, as he +produced a pair of chop sticks, a Chinese laundry, and some +Japanese lanterns. These were accepted as proofs by the +University of Venice. Ambition: The north pole. + +POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have +been a peach. Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make +the dances at Versailles a success. Ambition: Plenty of hair. +Recreation: Versailles. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti. + +POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and +invented soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along. + +PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the +doctrine of To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never +convicted. Ancient records state he invariably had an excuse +for present inactivity, but would promise results the following +day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put off everything except +Death, and even did his best to keep him away as long as +possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To +accomplish to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day. +Recreation: Always before business. Address: Nobody knows. +Clubs: Many. + +PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey +encumbered with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some +hairbreadth escapes, was stuck in the mud, but finally returned +and became respectable like all other Englishmen. + +PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician +who did not starve, and who gave the classical name "La +Faniculla del West" to the plain "girl of the golden west." + +PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel. +P. also is responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by +porters. + +PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children, +even if he did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life. +Traveled in several European countries and spoke all the +best-selling languages. His name has been given to a serious +London publication. + +PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after +they were dead. + + + +Q[9] + +[9] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have +been famous. + + + +QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything +when he came around. + +QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some +desperate conquests for his lady-love, and was defeated by a +windmill. In all his defeats, however, he showed to the world +that a laugh cuts deeper than a sword, and that satire would +kill where a lance could not penetrate. The word quixotic is +used to his commemoration. + + + +R[10] + +[10] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the +R's who have been famous. + + + +RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands +with Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of +the pipe into England and the plug into Ireland. + +RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial +mountains, statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be +named after him. + +RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made +it worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some +expensive paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his +studio. Ambition: Churches with larger walls. Recreation: +Painting, art, and canvas weaving. Address: All galleries. + +RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the +newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would +get plenty to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see +somebody, and that you would have to wear your Sunday clothes. +Her R. S. V. P.'s were always accepted. R. finally lost her +money, and with it her friends. Ambition: The man of the +hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It. + +REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old +ladies and Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon +himself by filling a museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing +paintings. + +REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many +pretty stenographers[11] sit. + +[11] Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the +machine. + + + +REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre +like Who Was Who should be used for ballast. + +RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased +South Africa. + +RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by +a stone. He rusted to death. + +RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis +XIII, and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham. + +RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to +stop, but cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. +Recreation: Visiting his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. +Clubs: Does not need any. + +ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of +doing to his enemies what most politicians would like to do to +theirs. Was finally voted out and down. + +ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction +simply because some people were sufficiently clever to do +things before his name could be pronounced. + +ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his +camel through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building +churches and colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all +millionaires, he was born penniless. R. worked hard, helped +the missions out of his $3 a week, married, and purchased some +oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in a trust. Then he +began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of business. +As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could +make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the +latter portion of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and +doubling his fortune by the dissolution of his business. +Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less competition. Also +another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, the +coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of +competition. Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., +when he can spare the time from his legal and congressional +investigations. + +ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have +the fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other +young men how fortunate they were in being born poor and all +about the fungus which grows on the root of all evil. Never +knew what a good time he could have with his Dad's coin in +Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: Sunday +school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old +ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A. + +RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European +and American galleries with statues at a price which would have +made Mike Angelo a billionaire. + +ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter +who gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English +Channel. Later hit a snag in the Orient. + +ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true +love ended in a cemetery. + +ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home +life and in building Rome. + +ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent, +The Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, +interview giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, +dee-lighted, "MYSELF," mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver, +band-wagon, Panama canal, rough rider, circus leader, circus, +down-with-rafter, and a former retired and retiring president +of the United States. When a young man he spent his father's +money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large +family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of +rough riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the +newspapers. Made up his mind he would stay there. R. became +governor of New York State with ambitions. Being a wealthy +man, and capable of contributing to the cause of the Republican +party, he was elected vice-president of the United States. A +hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper +career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in +the White House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country +what a great president he was. The voters believed him, and +did not object to four years more. During this administration +R. successfully advertised himself, the family, started the +Panama Canal, and appointed one William Howard Taft (see Poor +Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through Africa with a +magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men. +After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and +told the king how to king and the emperors how to emp. +Returning to the United States he placed his hand in state +politics. Fingers were badly burned. When it came time to +elect another president, R. was tired of scene shifting and +yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up his +loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international +Harvester Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a +second Moses who was destined to lead the children of America +out of the Land of the Frying Pan into that of the Fire. With +a mighty army of politicians, who also wanted to get back, R. +started his campaign with such a huge band he could not hear +any others. The fight was based on telling the voters how +easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had +told them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by +the greatest majority in history until the ballots were +hatched. Later he joined the ranks of William Jennings Bryan. +Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: To get back into Who's +Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster Bay for +newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same +as Bryan's. + +ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as +much money. + +ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will +always escape the police. + +RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently +changed, and therefore painted fat people without their +clothes. + +RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes +caused pain after a visit. + +RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with +modern subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was +spent in a steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. +He was crowned in a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched +clergyman, only the crown, the crowner, and the crowned being +present to witness the ceremony. Seldom goes about the +country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his subjects. +In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing. +Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing +death warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by +the servants. Send letters care St. Petersburg police +department. Clubs: Army. Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not +Have This Long Ago. + + + +S + +SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera +houses in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous +women. She is still in Who's Who, and probably will remain +there until arrested. + +SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces +and spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. +Godfathered by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: +School of experience at Washington. S. was assisted in early +life by a number of men who took an interest in him. When +thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later +became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization +business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered +from a severe attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated +slowly. Later entered the trust-raising business, and devoted +considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a European +power, but had to take care of the children after the incident. +S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former, +although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long +hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, +had bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank +notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address: +Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he +deserves it.) + +SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a +young man he rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain +and lift a fat lady. Entered the army. Was successful until +he became bald. Committed suicide by pushing a temple on +himself. + +SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin +collector. One of those individuals whom nature has endowed +with a magnificent body, and sufficient brains to make money +with it. + +SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had +enough money and sense to quit before people remarked how +natural he looked. + +SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in +closing the cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular +with the masses until election day. When the opposition +returned they made it hot for him. + +SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from +obscurity by Mark Twain, and became a good salesman. + +SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful +in advertising himself and his town. In England he is +Schwepps. + +SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French +Republic and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips +with his wife and children. Clubs: Mother's. + +SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been +beautiful, who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose +less attractive sister got the better of her. + +SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting +the national characteristics. His critics claim this was the +reason he failed in business. Wrote some books which are read +by students and persons possessing much time. + +SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran +second to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited +in European galleries. + +SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer. + +SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who +introduced the marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain. + +SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the +ignominy of reaching the desired point by the shortness of +rations, but he was near enough to become a profitable author +and lecturer. + +SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at +Stratford-on-Avon. When a young man he amused himself by +poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, and being the village +pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to London, a +city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said +to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His +fame later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s +birthplace is now one of the tourist sights of the world. More +post-cards are sent from this town than from any of its size in +Europe. The church where he lies buried has an immense +floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon +for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in +Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The +World. Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.) + +SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of +clean heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen +into disrepute in that country, but is sometimes practiced in +other lands. + +SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who +made money by being honest enough to tell people what they +knew. S.'s enemies claim he would have to work should his +theories be put into practice. Believes in socialism and wants +everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, and divided +opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England. +Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards. + +SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains +against the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost. + +SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark. + +SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and +giving a terse definition of war. + +SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person +feels wealthy while at the table and poor afterward. + +SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers +whose family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better +job for her husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have +time for any, and thus could not be a suffragette. + +SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the +diplomatic game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent +home. Occupation: Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country +without diplomats. Address: Home. + +SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory. + +SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the +exception of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair +grounds. The man operated his business on a cash basis. Simon +was broke and no sale was consummated. + +SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff. + +SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out +salvation for the bald and envy to women. + +SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the +first lobster. + +SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the +world. + +SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed +suicide. + +SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old +Mormon who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. +When a child he developed a Boston brain. This grew as the +years advanced. At a tender age he began acquiring +mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his acumen. +S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city +and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular +songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one +more wife and an end to those quarrels in the harem. +Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also was fond of the +phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here +Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All. + +SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of +wealthy parents. Became tired of home and desired to travel. +Visited foreign lands and had a jolly good time. His letter of +credit expired. Friends were never at home after the event. +S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked home. Father +was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with +his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of +life. Address: Home. + +SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot +pigeons between march compositions. + +SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race +degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only +the survivors are the fittest. + +SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great +Britain and the United States, who believed that noble man was +incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, +inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious incumbency. She +was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. Early +days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s +first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a +speech maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see +her name in print led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent +tactics. She died fighting. Ambition: To offset her husband's +vote on election day. Recreation: Parading, windows, bombs, +letter boxes, English ministries, and a string of etcs. +Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and +Hope.) + +SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. +Belongs to the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious +objection to use of her head, except for decorative purposes. +Was not averse to press notices and looked with envy on the +achievements of the suffragettes in this direction. Being +denied high office in their ranks because of lack of adequate +cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were +not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all +women, except herself, belong at home with their husbands and +children. Where they belong in the absence of these, deponent +sayeth not. Ambition: Continued parasitic existence. +Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on behind. +Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! +The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It." + +SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the +governor of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of +retiring from office in order that he might be considered a +progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins will get you out. +Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers. +Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You +Will, But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still. + + + +T + +TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, +president of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the +Constitution, the Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The +love he bore the latter resulted in his election. The two +brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and let +Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and +another ran away with the election. Principal events during +T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, +Standard Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: +Golf, messages to Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: +How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless +Predecessor. + +TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper. + +TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the +front row did. + +TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on +a charging brigade. + +TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the +footlights might always shine upon and upon whom the curtain +would never descend. + +THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the +rich son of a wealthy father. Became interested in the stage +at an early age, but only got as far as the chorus. Later +performed on a New York roof garden. Alienists say he was the +sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who ever lived. +Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada +and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: +Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper. + +THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a +marathon. + +THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he +thought of the country by offering to exchange it for any kind +of a horse. + +THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his +misfortunes and the curiosity of the world. + +TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job. + +TIFFANY,[12] of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced +high prices into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by +fiance's and millionaires. Has gained considerable fame, as +his products will pawn on a good margin. Ambition: A man in +love. + +[12] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is +not an actress. + + + +TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to +everybody. Very unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and +sorrow healer, but unkind to the old. He went about the world +changing babies into men and women, and placing gray hair and +wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of tears. +Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem. + +TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. +P. Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing +out brushes. Recreation: He never had any. + +TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been +popular with the men. They are exhibited in all European +galleries, and cause consternation among clergymen and school +teachers. T. certainly could paint. Ambition: Models. +Recreation: Models. + +TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark. + +TOM. (See Richard and Harry.) + +TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, +town, village, and hamlet in the United States north of the +Confederate States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. +Stowe, and was the match which kindled the Civil War. The +Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not Uncle +Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in +1861. + +TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, +bought post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode +in carriages, and then told their friends all about the trip. +Ambition: Just one look at everything. Address: Principally +Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, They Vanished. + +TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and +caused the longest siege in history to make her elope back +again. + +TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on +canvas. + +TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made +after-dinner speeches, received university degrees, and made +people laugh. + +TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers. + +TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to +be divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many +theatrical mangers. + + + +U + +UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from +starving to death by filling his house in Florence with their +canvases. Since the Morgan art raid the market price has +advanced and U.'s investment has become profitable. + +ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at +the siege of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured +Helen. Escaped from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking +a burning telegraph pole in his eye. Later performed his +greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away from home so +much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however, +recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn. +Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: +Ithaca. + +UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from +Alabama who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, +race. He had something to do with the high cost of tariffing. + +UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art +galleries. + + + +V + +VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the +camera, he was appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a +portrait of Philip IV in every gallery in the world. Art +textbooks think a great deal of V. + +VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few +railroads, much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a +weakness for Newport and newspapers. + +VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded +England with portraits and his tonsorial achievement. + +VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes. + +VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her +statue, and had to die after everybody fell in love with her. +Was born and painted at sea. Married at an early age. Was a +regular heart breaker. V. had an affair with one Adonis, and +later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her old-ladyhood, as +she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years. +Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: +Love. Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, +Florence. Clubs: She was too good looking to be a +suffragette. + +VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and +contributor to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific +as Reubens, and two or three of his paintings compare favorably +with the naughty Titian. + +VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the +tourists. + +VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the +scene after the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in +such a clever manner he succeeded in cheating the discoverer +out of naming the place. (See Columbus.) + +VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the +talking machine. + +VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. +His reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her +absence. Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. +Recreation: Looking for purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished +His Last Supper. + +VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the +AEneid. + +VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the +forum for protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests +and played with her thumbs. + +VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include +the turkey trot. + +VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his +mouth. + +VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated +forgings. Had a career like the ancients and fell in love with +Venus. + + + + W + +WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went +into the opera business, but died before the good singers or +Hammerstein prices appeared. + +WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite +bar until you appeared. + +WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish +stories. + +WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days +chopping trees, holding conversations with his father, killing +Indians, and being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling +Englishmen from the United States, said farewell to his troops, +and became a politician. W. decided he was not good enough for +a third term and retired. His picture has been widely +distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle +Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. +Clubs: Anti-Ananias. + +WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A +big black man who went about the country raising money to put +brains into ivory. He also told his audience how unfortunate +they were in not being coons. (See Uncle Tom.) + +WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes. + +WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress +before the invention of investigating committees. He died +famous. + +WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and +language itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a +glowing tribute by saying he was a great writer, but his +stories were too short. + +WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French +general to say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that +many a good soldier makes a poor politician. + +WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce +the size of dreadnaughts. + +WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence +walker. + +WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in +Paris, made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally +died. Death was caused by overexertion. Before the war she +was engaged to a Balkan prince. W. visited New York, London, +and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her and whistled her +praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition: +Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When +Will There Be Another Like Her? + +WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages. + +WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business. + +WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark +Twain. No relation to the following. + +WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, +educational institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to +be governor, made a few cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt +to Bryan, changed his address to Washington. Took out a +watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but whether he +will remain in that publication or this one cannot be +determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep +Roosevelt and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, +other brain exercises, thinking, Congress. Address: +Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican. + +WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the +baby's little tummie. + +WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of +the Royal Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of +the children and many grown ups. She always will remain a +Who's Whoess. + +WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his +profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally +written up by Shakespeare. + +WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who +knows the inside of the business, and believes one life on the +ground is worth two in the air. + + + +X[13] + +[13] Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for +the X's. + + + +XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his +country. He died young. + +XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone. + + + +Y + +YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. +Football, pipe, and bulldog fancier. + +YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an +emaciated condition. + +YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the +United States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he +became a strong anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. +Utah increased in population and was admitted as a state. +After building a great temple, dedicated to Hymen, he died, +leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: See +Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: +Utah. Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son. + + + +Z + +ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen +was more profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised +Utopia. Recreation: Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. +Clubs: A. O. H. + +ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the +greatest book ever written. + +ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an +aeronaut who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. +Ambition: The elevation of the German army. Recreation: +Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: Air. Clubs: Aero. + +ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm +countries. +He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their +kind attention. + + + + + +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date + diff --git a/old/wwasw10.zip b/old/wwasw10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa76929 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/wwasw10.zip |