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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date
+       Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Editor: Irwin L. Gordon
+
+Posting Date: August 10, 2008 [EBook #984]
+Release Date: July, 1997
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHO WAS WHO: 5000 B. C. TO DATE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charles Keller
+
+
+
+
+
+WHO WAS WHO 5000 B. C. TO DATE
+
+Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be
+
+By Anonymous
+
+Edited by Irwin L. Gordon
+
+
+
+
+NOTE
+
+THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons who can
+produce proper evidence of their demise will be admitted to Who Was Who.
+Press Agent notices or complimentary comments are absolutely excluded,
+and those offering to pay for the insertion of names will be prosecuted.
+As persons become eligible they will be included without solicitation,
+while the pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant.
+
+Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or endeavored
+to become famous. In a work of such magnitude errors occasionally occur.
+Should this be the case, the editor will be glad to receive corrections
+from the ex-celebrities or their enemies. These will be accepted gratis.
+Proofs will be sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be
+able to order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting
+to the publisher.
+
+The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United States and
+Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be fought.
+
+The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have furnished
+material for this book. He also trusts they will show their good feeling
+by purchasing a copy, and that all the unfortunates will speedily be
+returned to Who's Who.
+
+THE EDITOR.
+
+
+
+
+ABBREVIATIONS
+
+     A1.......... Can open charge account.
+     A. B........ Four years hard sentence.
+     A. M........ When we get up.
+     Cit......... Common people.
+     C. O. D..... No credit.
+     Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and
+                  investigation purposes.
+     D. D........ Be careful of your jokes.
+     Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile.
+     D. H........ Pull.
+     D. T........ Delirium tremens.
+     Ets......... The rest of us.
+     F. R. A..... Brains.
+     F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home.
+     G. O. P..... Hic jacet.
+     Hon......... Speaker of the occasion.
+     H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid
+                   gloves.
+     I........... Roosevelt.
+     Incog....... Prominent men in Paris.
+     IOU......... Hard luck.
+     Ire......... Mother of politicians.
+     LL. D....... American millionaires.
+     M. P........ Home rule debaters.
+     Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate.
+     P. M........ When we go to bed.
+     R. A........ Any kind of a painter but a cubist.
+     Rep......... See G. O. P.
+     R. I. P..... See following pages.
+     Sir......... Writers and tea merchants.
+     U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson.
+
+
+
+
+OBITUARY
+
+     Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A.
+     Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress.
+     Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust.
+     Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City.
+     Cook, Doctor Fred.  A., of New York City and Denmark.
+     Dewey, George E., of U. S. N.
+     Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico.
+     Din, Gunga, of Kipling.
+     Dreyfus, Captain, of France.
+     Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic.
+     Gorky, Maxime, of Russia.
+     Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco.
+     Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey.
+     Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London.
+     Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle.
+     Huerta, V., General of Mexico.
+     Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London.
+     Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A.
+     Lloyd-George, David, of England.
+     Manuel, King, of Portugal.
+     Pankhurst, Mrs., of England.
+     Patti, Adelina, of Wales.
+     Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr.
+     Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia.
+     Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook."
+     Shackelton, Earnest, of England.
+     Shuster, Morgan, of Persia.
+     Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall.
+     Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A.
+     Time, Father, of Everywhere.
+     Turkey.
+     Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City.
+
+
+
+
+BIOGRAPHIES
+
+
+
+
+A
+
+ADAM(1) (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and
+inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his parentage. Born
+first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of his childhood. Education:
+Self-educated. Entered the gardening and orchard business when a young
+man. Was a strong anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative.
+Children, Cain and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but
+eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost favor of the
+proprietor of the garden, and failed in business. A. started a number of
+things which have not been perfected. Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation:
+Chess, agriculture. Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of
+all exclusive clubs.
+
+(1) Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that position
+out of respect.
+
+
+
+ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden with
+his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a sheep raising
+business. Finally had a row with his brother, and was knocked out in the
+first round.
+
+ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City,
+Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and control the
+pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing markets. Camel and
+sheep merchant. Considerable land was willed him. A. prospered. Married
+Sarah (last name unknown). Marital infelicity followed, A. having an
+affair with Mrs. Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the
+family lived happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people.
+Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan. Clubs:
+Country.
+
+ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando Francesco, of the
+Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion of his life taking care
+of his name, climbing mountains, fighting Turks, and denying rumors
+regarding his marriage.
+
+ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a bath, but
+forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of the siege of Troy.
+Died before receiving pension.
+
+AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his childhood except
+that he was fond of dogs and played with the cat. Later he made animals
+his life's study. A. discovered the zoological principal that a turtle
+can run faster than a rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes.
+Publications: Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece.
+Clubs: Zoological Societies.
+
+ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a genii with
+which he could secure anything an American millionaire or actress can
+now purchase.
+
+ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system for
+removing the financial interests of the country from the common people
+and placing them in the hands of the few.
+
+ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job.
+
+AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in the year
+1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable journey through the
+Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he became an author and lecturer.
+Publications: The South Pole. Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the
+U. S. Later A. retired and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more
+poles, a few more books.
+
+ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt.
+
+ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever lived. In the
+height of a brilliant stage career she fell in love, and decided that a
+quiet home with a husband and children was more to be desired than the
+empty plaudits of the crowd, and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies.
+
+ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in Italy,
+but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed his talents by
+making cartoons of the teachers. These were unappreciated. Moved to
+Florence, where he bought some chisels, brushes, and saw his first
+model. A. remained a bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a
+brilliant church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to
+give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made permanent.
+Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the Medici family, leading
+politicians of his time. It is difficult to leave Italy without seeing
+much of his work. A. never favored the cubists or post-impressionists.
+Recreations: Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome.
+
+ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and could not
+forget what he saw.
+
+ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her husband
+to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, her humor
+terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to eat cake during a
+bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated. Ambition: Anything but October
+16, 1791. Recreation: Versailles; looking through a grated window.
+Address: Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris.
+
+APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his statues,
+patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table water named in
+his honor. Career: See longer and less respectable biographies. A. was
+the first person to sing to the accompaniment of a musical instrument,
+but he was a good singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel,
+archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical.
+
+ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood milking cows
+and embroidering. When the English ministry began operations in France
+J. dropped her embroidery in the milk bucket and began suffragetting.
+She did not break windows or blow up anything. Gathered a host of males
+about her and captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow,
+but again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and burnt
+up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid. Recreation: Barn
+dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans Suffragette.
+
+ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece.
+
+ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, and
+themselves out of the government jails.
+
+ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history with a
+bad odor attached to it.
+
+ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured the Round
+Table, and did all the things a good English king should do. Little is
+known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was crowned in Westminster Abbey, but
+without the American contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed
+away from the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was
+a wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing. Address:
+Windsor, Buckingham.
+
+ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in his
+country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was also a
+favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a successful wing-dipping
+expedition against some of his countrymen who held titles to names
+and property. Also juggled dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George).
+Ambition: Women without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address:
+Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical.
+
+ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts with nurses
+and cooks, spends his time boasting about South Africa and the U. S. A.,
+posing for motion pictures, and exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ
+as to his marksmanship, although it is now conceded he can often hit a
+man-sized target at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however,
+must be clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea.
+Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, Kipling,
+blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities. Ambition:
+Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket bath-tubs, and
+restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See Emperor William.
+
+ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a preacher. Edited
+a huge book which bears his name.
+
+AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered for
+crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering somebody, for making
+speeches, or building triumphant arches or ruins.
+
+
+
+
+B
+
+BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. His first
+appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic father. Education:
+At home. Career: A series of adventures. Was frequently ill, a poor
+sleeper, toy demolisher, throat exerciser, nurse distractor, and a
+general nuisance. Despite his shortcomings he ruled Home with an
+iron hand--a tear caused a doctor--a smile meant a gold mine. Diet:
+Principally liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair
+pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother.
+
+BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good fellow, and
+the founder of the "morning after" feeling. Studied vine raising when a
+young man. Discovered that grapes were not intended for a food. Invented
+the greatest pleasure and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became
+a traveler. Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland,
+everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the United
+States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe in France,
+and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. Recreation: Paris. Address:
+Greece. Clubs: All, except W. C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The
+Throats Of His Countrymen.
+
+BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare.
+
+BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood
+and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel when quite young.
+First visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every
+path, hired every guide, and did everything a tourist should so. His
+field of travel widened until every country in Europe was visited, as
+well as the United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands
+he slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every
+wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train; visited every
+ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store; mastered every language,
+science, art, literature, custom, history, and drew maps and plans
+of everything. Publications: Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home.
+Ambition: Tourists. Residence: Germany.
+
+BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the talking forces
+of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition seats on both sides of the
+house, and an epitaph over the home rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's
+golf and writing deep books.
+
+BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which may be
+discussed in respectable company.
+
+BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went to sleep.
+
+BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness.
+
+BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early days in
+the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided in cellars. John
+had a red nose. Was a great friend of Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he
+is an "iser," and he will be a "will be-er." Ambition: The end of
+temperance societies.
+
+BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, the clown,
+and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show he taught that some
+Americans were Progressives part of the time; that other Americans were
+Republicans all the time, but that all Americans were not Democrats all
+the time.
+
+BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was a great
+friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at Versailles a success.
+She always preferred marcel waves to pompadours. Ambition: To have and
+to hold. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette.
+
+BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron of gold
+mine investors and American tourists in Europe.
+
+BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of wives, before
+Reno was discovered.
+
+BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the suit of
+a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through heaven, and made
+arrangements for his travels in the other place. B. died a famous old
+maid. Ambition: A lover with money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs.
+Dante Had She Wanted To.
+
+BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller.
+
+BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and nuisance.
+Started the saying, "Number, please."
+
+BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to be
+correct.
+
+BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks into
+Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts.
+
+BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in everything.
+
+BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born before birth
+records were inaugurated, and no historian has been able to determine
+her age. Career: On the stage at four months. During her young-woman
+and goodlooking days-hood B. is said to have made a hit with European
+nobility. In her declining years she made a few other fortunes in the
+United States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, perfumes,
+perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. Ambition: The
+fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, acting. Address: Private cars
+and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. She also has a telephone.
+
+BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American boy. He
+began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the plains of
+the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a fortune in a tent.
+Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy ambition in the hearts of young
+America. He also made a goatee and a big hat famous. Played the show
+market a little too long.
+
+BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, and made
+people laugh.
+
+BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any Ireland has
+ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an emperor, changed the
+Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work
+overtime for his country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in
+Germany.
+
+BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered.
+
+BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy of
+navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English Channel
+without being seasick.
+
+BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also was not the
+only German general who ever fought France.
+
+BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him).
+
+BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. Being an old
+maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the parrot or the cat.
+Her endeavors were confined to horses, and one of her paintings is
+considered fair.
+
+BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never fought a
+battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted campaigns in Great
+Britain and the United States, with brass bands and collection devises.
+The army later became a suffragette institution when women were admitted
+as recruits, and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter
+collection forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers
+and troopesses.
+
+BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor).
+
+BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your bank account
+and told how you paid your bills. His complimentary comments are highly
+valued.
+
+BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it without
+being fined or driven out of business.
+
+BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by espousing the
+cause of the negro. This resulted in his body moulding in the grave.
+
+BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure of life by
+springing into print when young, and keeping out of it when old.
+
+BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are deciphered by the
+Bostonese and cultured English people. It has been estimated that B.
+could say more with fewer words and conceal his meaning better than any
+writer since the adaptation of the alphabet as a means of expression.
+
+BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were easily
+understood, and consequently seldom read.
+
+BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease in his
+pantaloons than for his head.
+
+BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer.
+
+BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a newspaper
+and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists claim B. formed
+a passion to rule the nation when a child. He only got as far as the
+Democratic party and platforms. Became a golden orator with a silver
+speech and offered himself as a rectifier of all things not Bryan. For
+ages his name was placed on the presidential ballot and later removed.
+Made a fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also toured
+the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. Was the father of
+Bryanism, an odious word meaning things Bryan. Later secured one Wilson
+to attend to Washington detail work. Motto: All things come to him with
+bait. Ambition: Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner,
+a newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail forwarded
+from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again.
+
+BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and weakness.
+He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and caused many a man
+to lose the keyhole.
+
+BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned reformer.
+Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and referendum. Nailed
+several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in his platform. After B.'s
+death his friends filled the Orient with his bronzes. He was fat and
+wore a fascinating wart on his forehead.
+
+BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who inhabits
+a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North Atlantic. Born
+several hundred years ago and is beginning to show his age. Is fond
+of the sea and is said to have a fine fleet. This has had off years,
+notably 1812. B. has had trouble with a son who wishes to leave the
+paternal protection. Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike,
+the Pankhurst family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly
+social organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception committee
+for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates buildings, poses for
+stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and raises princesses of Wales for
+magazine articles and crowning purposes. B. is a monitor of English
+style; wears a monocle, spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and
+never makes his appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word
+"egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes but
+himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea, Week Ends. Address:
+Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See
+Emperor William Again.
+
+BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love poems
+about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable feats--making
+poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a girl in Scotland who was as
+beautiful as his lines declare.
+
+BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has remained the
+same size and age for the past eight years.
+
+BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to get away
+from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and wrote poems.
+
+
+
+
+C
+
+CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great
+politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics as
+the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs. Became a fair
+general despite his poor service training. Desired to write a book.
+Began by taking an army and capturing Europe and England. He did not
+waste his time with Scotland or Ireland. C. made a river famous by
+crossing it, and finally included Rome in his history of victories.
+Became popular with the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote
+books and paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest
+senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but escaped
+the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest funeral orations over
+delivered over a corpse. He was also awarded a few triumphant arches.
+Publications: Omnes Gallia est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome:
+Address: Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member of
+the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph: Veni, Vidi.
+
+CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag.
+
+CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House of
+Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. occupied the
+chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and trusts from the unkind
+remarks of congressmen who knew things and him. Was finally retired
+from the chair by the Democrats, and from Congress by his constituents.
+Grave: 1912 election. Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty
+days once more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P.
+
+CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean could
+wave at him.
+
+CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which wears a
+crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: Northern Spain.
+
+CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government tobacco
+factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician rescued her.
+Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the cities throughout the
+world, made love to several singers, and then been killed by a bull
+fighter after singing her way through five acts.
+
+CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old American
+who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace buildings, and
+advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman he scotched his three
+dollars a week and purchased the steel trust. Later retired. Ambition:
+Universal peace with all dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a
+library in every town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn
+the root of all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address:
+University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland.
+
+CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble.
+
+CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the Victor
+Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or a sore throat,
+a condition which assisted materially in filling the house. Like all his
+contemporaries, C. has been sued for divorce and breach of promise, has
+lost his jewelry, visited zoological gardens, sung for charity, given
+farewell concerts, and done other things to help his newspaper and
+box-office reputation.
+
+CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was successful
+for a time in the U. S.
+
+CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see Pollux).
+
+CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce American-Irish
+politics into South America. Acquired a fortune, which was greatly
+increased by a personal friendship with the American asphalt trust.
+Was revolutioned a few times, and finally escaped with the mint and his
+life. Career: Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York
+police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ?
+
+CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the Treasury,
+who had different ideas of taxation.
+
+CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his business.
+Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic liners combined.
+Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None. Address: The Styx.
+
+CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the English
+language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known work is used as
+a student puzzle in leading universities and colleges. Ambition: A
+typewriter and a dictionary.
+
+CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed clothes,
+and made chop suey until he had enough money to return to his native
+land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium.
+
+CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living.
+
+CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living.
+
+CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in politics.
+Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement.
+
+CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two sisters
+in society. Historians have questioned her claims to fame, but they may
+easily be substantiated by millions of children.
+
+CLAUS, Santa, poor father.
+
+CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a threadless
+needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was unsuccessful in her love
+and naval affairs, and finally became a mummy through the auspices of an
+adder. Ambition: An Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation:
+Barging with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid.
+
+CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and
+ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering cash, and
+the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many people, but never quite
+reached the top. Both died trying to get there. Ambition: An English
+nobleman in the family. Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland.
+Address: See Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they
+wanted.
+
+COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. Great
+smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers.
+
+COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat burnings.
+
+COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have been born in
+Genoa. Something made him believe the world was round. He endeavored
+to secure money to prove his theory, but nobody cared whether he was
+correct or not. Realizing there was no capital or prophet in his own
+country, he took passage to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into
+equipping an expedition for him to discover America. She did and he
+did. Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation: Deck
+shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: Palos Yacht.
+
+COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when we were
+taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. Recreation: Tea.
+Ambition: An invitation to dinner.
+
+CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. C. and
+taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do things backward.
+He also was the founder of ancestor worship. This still is practiced
+in England, but never in the United States or Australia. Recreation:
+Fireworks. Ambition: A Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More
+Majorum.
+
+CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" in all
+history books.
+
+COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at a tender
+age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and in the management
+of the house. When she departed there was weeping, and wailing, and
+waiting. Diet: Usually large and everything of the best. Ambition: An
+American policeman, or Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address:
+The whole house.
+
+COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich Islands and
+who took the first Cook's tour around the world.
+
+COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered the north
+pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.)
+
+COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating travel
+literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save you money. Owns
+and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. Publications: The Come On
+Books. Ambition: Those Americans who want to see everything. Also "first
+timers." Address: Any foreign city equipped with tourists.
+
+COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his father save
+money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in Paris.
+
+COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in building
+a reputation.
+
+CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion fighter
+of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a good word. Many
+persons wish he might be the Corbett he used to be. Ambition: A white
+champion.
+
+CORELLI,(2) Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful love
+scenes. She is said to have written some books which brought her fame
+and royalty. C. does not approve of society except her own. She remains
+secluded with her typewriter at Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only
+being seen by her publishers and the editor. Publications: See
+book stores and railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All
+anti-suffragette.
+
+(2) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the next
+edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations of book
+reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen into the "was"
+class. The editor never contradicts a book reviewer.
+
+
+COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the world which
+did not take up collections or give away Christmas dinners.
+
+CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world to
+see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column for his
+employers.
+
+CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy without
+trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market.
+
+CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of Irish
+parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics, which resulted
+in his gaining the friendship of the New York police force. C. was
+elected. C. was very poor. Later retired to his native land with two
+Atlantic liners filled with salary. Ambition: An Irish president.
+Recreation: English Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York
+Democratic.
+
+CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, and went
+about England tearing down churches. He also assisted in putting
+King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in England on a
+reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was honored by having his
+round head placed as a decoration over Westminster Hall.
+
+CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. Visited a
+sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked to parrots; found
+some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned to England to become an
+author.
+
+CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one at least
+once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to mischievous tricks. It
+was he who made kings fall in love with poor country girls; chauffeurs
+with their ladies, and beggars with princesses. C. held all men and
+women equal provided they were good, and he made the happiest people
+on earth when they listened to his voice. He witnessed several
+international engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants
+gave him a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some
+roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At times he
+caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When C. stayed in a
+house the sun was always shining. You should be at home when he calls.
+Ambition: That sigh. Recreation: Archery. Address: Perhaps you know.
+Clubs: None. He prefers the fireside and moonlight nights.
+
+CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print without
+being a suffragette or an actress.
+
+CZAR. See Russia.
+
+
+
+
+D
+
+DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat of
+remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for the
+insurance.
+
+DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, lover, and
+poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but used too much slang.
+Later fell in love. The girl (see her) knew what journalists were, and
+refused to spoon. Exasperated, he began a bombardment of poetry. That
+settled it. D. then entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix
+with love and his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished.
+Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his bust
+while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia. Publications: Poems,
+tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition: To be Beatrice's Romeo.
+Recreation: Travel. Address: II via Dante, Florence. Seldom at home.
+
+DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution.
+
+DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the world
+that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of the truly brave
+who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement.
+
+DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered that
+many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his theories with the
+exception of one link. The clergymen claimed that a chain with one link
+missing was no chain, and that D. was a nature faker. Publications:
+Origin of Species, a valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the
+currency bill.
+
+DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and rescued
+little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.)
+
+DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion sling shot,
+and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army as a volunteer, and
+was awarded medals for his attack upon Goliath. Appointed musician
+to the royal household. Became friendly with the Prince of Wales and
+succeeded in doing him out of the coronation. Later was elected king.
+Fell in love with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her
+husband a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol.
+Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address: Jerusalem.
+
+DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a lifetime, usually
+toward the close. Patron of insurance companies. Nothing is known of his
+childhood. Historians claim he never had any. Possessed an ugly face;
+wore a sheet over his head, and always carried a scythe in his hands.
+Never brought happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to
+some one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. Many
+doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he continues
+to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None. Ambition: A happy home and
+prosperous graveyards. Recreation: Sharpening scythes. Address: Always
+hung out a black cloth wherever he resided.
+
+DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also accompanied Samson
+on a number of European and American opera expeditions.
+
+DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where the cost
+of living has ever been high. He introduced the French menu into the U.
+S. and with it considerable indigestion.
+
+DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker.
+
+DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in France.
+
+DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator from the
+state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, dedicated monuments;
+married a young wife, and was relegated to obscurity by the American
+voters.
+
+DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more than her
+clothes.
+
+DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract a royal
+press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary.
+
+DEVIL, see Old Nic.
+
+DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without which no cold
+day is complete.
+
+DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed a Spanish
+armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a nation; had cigars
+named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was paraded through the streets;
+married a widow; moved to Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants,
+and got out of the newspapers.
+
+DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, and the
+chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt. Address: Ephesus.
+
+DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who departed
+from the social functions of a king to assist the government.
+Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned his actions on a
+Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was requested to move. Ambition: A
+revolution with himself on top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty
+years in the White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me.
+
+DICE, see Thomas and Harry.
+
+DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the messenger
+boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an important part in the
+lives of the boys who never visited the Carnegie libraries.
+
+DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote.
+
+DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. Employed in
+H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes. Fought in many battles.
+Frequently gave bad water to soldiers. Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was
+shot while in the act. Saved the government the price of a medal. His
+pathetic story was widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the
+U. S. and Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the
+story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes. Recreation: Sleep.
+Address: Care of biographer.
+
+DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored to
+find something with a lantern which could not even be located with a
+searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. Recreation: Cleaning globes.
+Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible.
+
+DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to run
+England.
+
+DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by persons
+who forged his name.
+
+DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off their hats,
+shout, and whistle when he rode into town.
+
+DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies.
+
+DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed the world
+how easily some people were deprived of their money and religion.
+
+DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public square
+named after him. D. also introduced the spud into Ireland.
+
+DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and intended doing
+something to-day. Spent much time thinking about the best girl in the
+world. A great friend of Procrastinator. Went through life waiting for
+to-morrow. Several men, however, with the same name, have awakened and
+given their dreams to the world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth).
+
+DREW, John, prehistoric American actor.
+
+DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail by being
+one of the few innocent men who got into print.
+
+DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good layer on.
+
+DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an early age
+and never recovered, despite the services of specialists.
+
+DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to open a
+charge account.
+
+
+
+
+E
+
+EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most expensive
+sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, tourists. Address: Rochester
+and London. Clubs: Camera.
+
+EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made millions
+by telling the world there was no such thing as the toothache,
+sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer.
+
+EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the exception
+of the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor.
+
+EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who was wise
+enough to stop before he got too high.
+
+EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When a young
+man he became a benedict, a condition in which he remained until well
+along in years. As fast as a queen appeared at the breakfast table with
+her hair down her back, she was dispatched to the block. A couple of
+queens got ahead of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces
+as Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later years
+he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A harem. Recreation:
+Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: Windsor.
+
+ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece to the
+British Museum. Also had something to do with the interior of watches.
+
+ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). Later he went
+somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a chariot driver.
+
+ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the boys. E.
+reigned when people did things. She was wooed and lost by an Armada (see
+Philip II). She finally walked over Raleigh's coat, and later wiped
+her feet on him. E. had a sister by the name of Mary, who was better
+looking, and less fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced
+into England. Other and less important events of her reign were:
+Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: She did not
+have any.
+
+ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books.
+
+EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town of Italy;
+a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust his affairs to a
+brainier man, and was thus made famous (see Girabaldi).
+
+EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers to
+conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the practical
+theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived before the time of the
+taxi.
+
+EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and that
+pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive hotels and eat only
+in high-class restaurants. Many suffer with the gout. A popular cat foot
+was named in his honor.
+
+ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of breakfast food.
+
+ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain of the
+book, married the hero, and lived happily ever afterward.
+
+EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as far back
+as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the shortest distance
+between two points is a crow's flight, and that two parallel lines
+always compete.
+
+EVE, see Mrs. Adam.
+
+EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich husband after
+the fashion of books.
+
+
+
+
+F
+
+FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did not fit his
+religion.
+
+FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to
+ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold.
+
+FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his younger
+days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have applied himself to
+school or business. Found fault with life and everybody, but was never
+wrong himself. Unpopular. A great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers,
+and the poor house. Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The
+other fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. Clubs:
+None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really Tried.
+
+FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French
+government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of the vast
+collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the world.
+
+FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk.
+
+FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron saint of
+French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores changing the cut of
+ladies' clothes and the shape of their hats. Created some awful
+looking things. F. made the poor men work very hard to keep up to her.
+Publications: Editor of all Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London,
+and New York City. Epitaph: (Would that she had one.)
+
+FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love during his
+second young manhood, traveled in a warm country, and sang his way to
+fame.
+
+FAWKES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in Parliament
+without introducing home rule or suffrage bills.
+
+FINN, Huck, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom).
+
+FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub the
+black spot from the ring.
+
+FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing.
+
+FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with the men.
+She appeared in all large cities with the best looking chorus that ever
+wore tights. F. created such a sensation that every living actress of
+note is willing to be classified as a former member of her company. Had
+a miserable cigar named after her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York
+City. Epitaph: There Were Not Many Like Flora.
+
+FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty days for a
+big sale.
+
+FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an unintelligent woman
+and one who never could understand. Followed his natural bents, even
+as you and I. Wasted several years. Wept profusely. End unknown.
+Recreation: Vampires. Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One.
+
+FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with brains. He
+discovered that lightning was composed of electricity, that politics
+paid better than printing, and that the French Court was more lively
+than the Continental Congress.
+
+FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics.
+
+FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but he came
+around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know of your success,
+pitied you in your failures, and shook you by the hand when you were
+down and out. Never borrowed money, but he frequently lent it. Was a
+wise counsellor. Very popular. His name was frequently given the baby
+(see Mischief). Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At
+the other fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or his own.
+Clubs: All.
+
+FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as the only
+woman in the history of mankind who admitted her old age.
+
+FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a fortune for
+the Cunard and White Star lines.
+
+
+
+
+G
+
+GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as the agent
+for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to move. Historians
+claim he will again be in Who's Who when St. Peter (see him) makes the
+inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs. Recreation: Aviation.
+
+GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait
+manufacturer.
+
+GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by declaring
+the world revolved when everybody knew it was stationary. Manufactured
+the first spy-glass, an instrument which has since been used in theatres
+and for various other purposes. Also discovered that clocks were
+equipped with pendulums.
+
+GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when out of
+office.
+
+GARDEN,(3) Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera stage.
+Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a child. This was
+expensively cultivated in Europe, was later exposed before English
+and American congregations, and her Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes
+packed the houses. Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants
+a husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera houses and
+suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners.
+
+(3) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement.
+
+
+GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea party.
+He espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor), and successfully
+Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every town in his country, ran
+second to V. E. in the number of statues erected to his appearance, and
+for three years held the championship for eating spaghetti.
+
+GARRICK, an old English matinee idol.
+
+GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun.
+
+GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when mortally
+wounded.
+
+GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in general,
+and one Walpole in particular, to run England.
+
+GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars.
+
+GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign of
+William Pitt, and believed in taxing tea.
+
+GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our contemporary
+Who's Who).
+
+GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician. Entered
+politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes. Was a modest
+member of the House of Commons, seldom speaking more than four times on
+any bill. Kept climbing until he became under secretary of something,
+order keeper of the Board of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent
+position in the Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home
+rule millstone, and hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A dynamite-proof
+house, a tax on air. Recreation: (see Asquith). Address: Front row House
+of Commons. Clubs: Anti-conservative.
+
+GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old inhabitants
+before the market was so wet.
+
+GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which cuts
+barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to clean.
+
+GIRL, The Chorus, Um!
+
+GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model.
+
+GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England, chopped
+trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with the Irish home
+rule.
+
+GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book which
+everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then re-reads it
+when the doors are locked. In the United States a law has been passed
+compelling booksellers to include a bottle of disinfectant whenever a
+G. book is sold. Ambition: A publisher who is not afraid of the police.
+Recreation: Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs:
+Always blackballed.
+
+GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book.
+
+GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited at the
+Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight.
+
+GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words rhyme.
+
+GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in one round
+by a lightweight. Defeat attributed to overconfidence. Friends said
+nothing like that had ever entered his head.
+
+GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism, but who
+adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale.
+
+GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who told some
+awful untruths to the innocent.
+
+GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest writer who
+ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At the age of fourteen
+began shaving and wearing long trousers. At twenty-one G. was considered
+of age. Began writing while a child. Penmanship so poor he took to the
+typewriter. Wrote Who Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some
+one did. Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.)
+Recreation: Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when financially
+able. Other times in one of those confounded newspaper offices.
+
+GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the government
+and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of the United States
+accompanied by another man's wife. Learned that this was not the usual
+custom in America. His managers and hotel proprietors requested him to
+continue his travels. Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people.
+Publications: Much unpatriotic literature.
+
+GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line of which
+is remembered by everybody.
+
+GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who never
+was bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he worked. Historians
+claim this was due to his poor salary.
+
+GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some distance from
+Land's End.
+
+GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of
+decapitation, who had such confidence in his invention that he was the
+first to give it a practical demonstration.
+
+GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never submitted
+his proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a gullible public.
+Never lectured.
+
+
+
+
+H
+
+HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating before he
+was abdicated.
+
+HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy family.
+
+HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and called it
+homeopathy.
+
+HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark.
+
+HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion promiser, and
+a sick man. When a youth he began instructing the monarchs of Europe
+in the use of a government. One of his favorite pastimes was reading
+ultimatums. Fearless until a warship entered the harbor, and even then
+usually got rid of it with promises. Employed massacres to break the
+monotony of reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk
+cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be ostlerized
+(see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and salary, and locked him up
+in a palace. Then the wise ones lost Tripoli and about everything but
+sleeping room in Europe. Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on
+the job. Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem. Epitaph:
+Everybody Worked But Father.
+
+HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also founded
+the foolish questions.
+
+HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high prices,
+and buildings upon certain communities.
+
+HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote a few
+other airs.
+
+HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.)
+
+HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American university
+near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., where football
+players and the sons of American millionaires eke out an education.
+
+HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his patients had
+blood which circulated. The discovery has since been of some profit to
+his successors.
+
+HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his name.
+Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other varieties to the
+world.
+
+HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches (also see
+Napoleon).
+
+HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, and
+exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It is said the
+poem has been parodized.
+
+HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty or death.
+From all that can be ascertained he secured the latter.
+
+HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic games and
+laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which are even questioned
+by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed about everybody, erected two
+pillars, stole some apples, and, in short, did everything but enter
+politics or invent a breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor.
+Recreation: Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs:
+Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen.
+
+HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to death
+simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a great American
+poet used bad taste in writing the biography of such a man.
+
+HICHENS,(4) Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah. Experimented with
+belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and multitudes of readers hope
+he will remain there for some time to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation:
+Filling his fountain pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the
+Publisher. Home: Sicily.
+
+(4) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day, and is
+compelled to make the biography flattering.
+
+
+HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a celebrated rain
+storm.
+
+HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and went to
+Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was heard by great
+crowds. Produced statistics to show how few saloons failed after a
+lecture.
+
+HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured inexpensive
+literature and theatres. This fired his mind to eliminate Scotland Yard
+as a crime-detecting agency. Entered the profession of a detective, but
+was unknown until Doctor Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was
+then made. All the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he
+only told what he knew about society--! H. solved the most complicated
+mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle, and was only baffled
+in locating the murderer of Cock Robin. His name struck terror into the
+hearts of criminals and competing publishers. After all the criminals
+in England had been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the
+great H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in time
+to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the suffragette case.
+Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation: Fond of Doyle's works and the
+violin. Address: 31 Baker Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph:
+Au Revoir, But.
+
+HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began career as
+a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for incompetence, and
+took up honest writing. Found a publisher who thought his writings would
+sell to posterity. Later H. took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war
+correspondent for the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy.
+Ambition: Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and
+school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth Estate.
+
+HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a wolf
+which had previously partaken of a relative.
+
+HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the rich and
+gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for stories.
+
+HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for Harvey's
+discovery.
+
+HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near relation
+of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and gave her name to
+the world. She was the first woman to manufacture ideals, and has been
+made the patron saint of the suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went
+about making life worth while. She was loved by all those millions of
+lovers and all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do
+things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success. Address: Perhaps
+she has resided in your home.
+
+HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who sang and
+drank of the Falernian wine.
+
+HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the Tiber
+without getting stuck in the mud.
+
+HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever lived.
+Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his picture and ran
+long articles about his life, family, eccentricities, etc. Won fame in
+war, science, pulpit, aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature,
+finance, by saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were
+infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful women. Made
+addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He was the man everyone
+wanted to shake by the hand so they could tell other people they had
+done it. Ambition: Another hour. Recreation: Basking. Address: All
+countries. Clubs: All open.
+
+HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ extra
+telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He also was
+responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation."
+
+HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large cities,
+showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the villain, packed
+up, and moved to the next town.
+
+HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened newspapers.
+Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only controlling a few
+newspapers. He soon purchased others. His magical touch changed their
+color. Employed the greatest staff of imaginary geniuses ever gathered
+together. These men had the ability to write unhampered by mere details
+or facts. H. also employed many good lawyers and used them frequently.
+Fortified by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and
+newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. Was always
+Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan. Recreation: Reading
+yellow journals. Address: All large American cities. Epitaph: The Vote
+Is Mightier Than The Pen.
+
+HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.)
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words to rhyme
+at the ends of the lines.
+
+ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first tumble. Selected
+water as the spot for his fall, and was not picked up with the debris.
+Ambition: A Wright machine. Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece.
+Clubs: Aero.
+
+IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life except that
+he built a celebrated fort to protect the poor Cossacks from the
+molestations of the populace. Was probably blown up or died in prison.
+
+INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within the reach
+of authors and artists. Historians claim he would have made another
+fortune had he lived when the sun-dial trust had its own way.
+
+INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not believe in
+anything, and made a fortune by telling people what he believed.
+
+INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome.
+
+IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited Westminster
+Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few biographies.
+
+ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.(5) Spent his childhood
+like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca, claimed by historians
+to have been a Jewess. Had two famous sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but
+especially the latter). Died at the tender age of 180 years.
+
+(5) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity He did his
+best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed.
+
+
+ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her clothes
+until the Moors were driven from the country. Her husband, the king,
+raised an army and accomplished the feat. I.'s name is sometimes
+connected with the discovery of America. This, however, is an error, as
+Columbus took a more active part.
+
+ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing.
+
+ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his father's
+estate. Traveled extensively in the desert with his mother.
+
+
+
+
+J
+
+JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water carrier.
+Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in the valley. (See
+Jill.)
+
+JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother of Esau.
+Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character impersonator, but
+never went on the stage. Left home suddenly. Slept on a stone and had
+hard dreams. Later married, and was responsible for Joseph and his
+brethren. (See Joe.)
+
+JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm.
+
+JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and appeared in
+paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, the author, and the
+publisher.
+
+JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be elected
+king of England.
+
+JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage.
+
+JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark.
+
+JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory.
+
+JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his gloves and
+bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.)
+
+JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own medicine.
+
+JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the face of
+the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of such men as Eugene
+Sue and Lew Wallace.
+
+JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident
+occurred.
+
+JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like all rich
+men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and entered the
+market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the real estate market. The
+market tumbled and so did J. Family troubles also distressed him. His
+camels died of the colic or were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard
+luck he patronized the temple, and believed while there was money it
+could be had. Started in business again with a small capital, remarried,
+and ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the New York
+Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation: Sackcloth and ashes.
+
+JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of
+the world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne
+made even a colored gentleman a "waser."
+
+JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press
+agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. Also wrote.
+
+JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for taking a
+rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he was the jonah. Swam
+until he was tired, and finally made a morsel for a fish. Tradition has
+it that J. was tough and indigestible. He remained three days and three
+nights in the interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable
+annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam ashore, and
+thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and the illness of his
+rescuer. His story was published. Still causes some comment. Tradition
+also says that J. never could look a fish in the face after the
+harrowing incident. Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing.
+Address: Sodom. Clubs: Alpine.
+
+JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor.
+
+JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture
+post-card.
+
+JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and was only
+prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of the place.
+
+JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a young man
+he became his father's favorite, while his brethren had to do the heavy
+work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the ire of his brethren, resulting
+in Joe being sold as a slave, and in the coat being sent to the
+cleaners. J. journeyed to Egypt, where he refused to elope with the
+Pharaohess. Her husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in
+prison, and afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A
+famine occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in
+provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe, who thanked
+them for the good luck they had thrust upon him.
+
+JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart
+which was broken by the ambitions of a man.
+
+JUDAS, suicide.
+
+JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first
+name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband,
+although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a
+few hundred years, displaying her domestic infelicity.
+
+JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love
+on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a
+splendid sale. (See Romeo.)
+
+JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and a regular
+Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: Killing giants,
+disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: Olympia.
+
+JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently
+erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales
+with a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other.
+Her statues in other countries are said to be different, although
+occasionally the little statues are found in the pans.
+
+
+
+
+K
+
+KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; a German
+of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, considerable
+comment in England, and much applause in his own country. Was also
+a naval constructor. Born of royal parents. Inherited his father's
+position. At a tender age he formed a passion for an army. Like all
+royal children, he had his own way. His plaything has grown steadily, is
+in fine condition, but is only used for parading and scaring purposes.
+His later years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for
+what purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also honored
+by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his exhibition through
+Europe. It is said he could not learn anything from his adviser.
+Heir: The crown prince. Ambition: His army applied to the socialists.
+Recreation: Army. Address: Army. Clubs: Army.
+
+KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account
+of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding
+without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as
+gold. Was strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never
+cared for New York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made
+public. Historians are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced
+what he preached. Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away
+from business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U.
+
+KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and heartfelt
+commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More grapes. Recreation: A
+flask, books, and a Persian "thou." Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What
+He Preached.
+
+KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure which
+several people have been sure they could locate. Was said to have been
+one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship.
+
+KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and accomplishments.
+
+KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted.
+
+KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the kirk into
+Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate.
+
+KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made England scrub
+up.
+
+KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell concert.
+
+
+
+
+L
+
+LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. He was
+such an attentive listener and heard so much that the leading cemetery
+in Paris was named in his honor.
+
+LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of tears to
+place smiles on paper.
+
+LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable talent.
+Ambition: Those old time lovers.
+
+LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. Together
+with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered with a bad
+attack. Address: Vatican, Rome.
+
+LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had a brow
+like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in Scotland to whom
+Burns did not write a few poems. L. was engaged to be married; no record
+of the ceremony can be found.
+
+LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to become
+a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on Irish questions.
+Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except in the south of Ireland.
+Address: Parliament. This will probably hold good for several editions
+of Who Was Who. Clubs: Conservative, of course.
+
+LAW,(6) Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused ancient
+whose life and story has been written by malicious biographers. In
+reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to dinner, permitted the gas
+to be turned down, and always knocked before she came into the room.
+Later she wiped the dishes, took care of her grandchild (see Baby),
+helped pay the bills, and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she
+had. Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our house most
+of the time. Clubs: Suffrage.
+
+(6) Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the accuracy
+of the above.
+
+
+LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler.
+
+LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also Jupiter,
+Castor, and Pollux.
+
+LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal saucerers
+to the king.
+
+LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her debut.
+Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. Ambition: To find
+another widow.
+
+LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her with a good
+song.
+
+LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead long enough
+for historians to make him famous. Ambition: Song, women, and wine.
+Recreation: Wine, women, and song. Address: Several in Brussels.
+Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab Illo.
+
+LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes Italy and
+Poland to the United States.
+
+LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising cheese.
+
+LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with
+Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter politics or
+the police force. Ambition: That cup.
+
+LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, and played
+the piano.
+
+LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects for the
+sale of this book.
+
+LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides herself
+when the tourist goes down the Rhine.
+
+LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband.
+
+LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which became
+practical. She also was considered one of the salt of the earth.
+
+LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's into France.
+Put the "is" in Paris.
+
+LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron of
+cafe's.
+
+LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. Continued the
+works of his predecessors.
+
+LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work of his
+predecessors.
+
+LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe.
+
+LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. Started
+pre-tango dancing.
+
+LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French menu.
+
+LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and dressmakers into
+Paris.
+
+LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. Fought the
+Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought 7,000,000 francs
+worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work in the Crusades. Not a
+patron of his ancestors. Very unpopular in Paris.
+
+LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. Very
+popular.
+
+LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear of the
+discovery of the United States.
+
+LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were discovered.
+
+LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for him. Was
+a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general.
+
+LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, salon
+decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted Paris in acquiring
+her reputation. Built Versailles, the Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He
+was the man who captured Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon
+III.) Motto: I am the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles.
+Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. Address:
+Versailles.
+
+LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns of Queens
+Pompadour and Du-Barry.
+
+LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of his
+ancestors, but--. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the turkey trot
+and the salome dance at Versailles. While his subjects were starving he
+ate pate de foies gras. They objected and carried his White Wigginess to
+Paris, where he ended his reign. Ambition: To have been any one of
+his ancestors, even No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard.
+Address: Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head
+Which Wore A Crown.
+
+LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long enough to
+have the good times of his ancestors, and the only Louis for whom the
+world has a word of sympathy.
+
+LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who got
+back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and Napoleon had
+subsided.
+
+LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, lunatic,
+and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young manhood he met Her.
+From that moment all other hers he had known became lemons. L. was an
+expert prevaricator. Polished shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day,
+and never ate onions. Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas
+or electric lights. Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled
+occasionally. Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers.
+Walked on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends
+who wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked wonderfully
+beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep quiet. Her blushed,
+permitted him to sit closer, and then told L. he was the dearest,
+sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, bravest lovey in the wide, wide
+world. Later L. secured an embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry
+store. Diet: Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs:
+None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go.
+
+LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition.
+
+
+
+M
+
+McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver.
+
+McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization,
+frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the world's
+championship.
+
+MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist.
+
+MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a rainy
+day.
+
+MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights.
+
+MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a child. Only
+calls after supper. Tells the little one he has played enough for the
+day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. When M. departs the little
+bundle is asleep in the nursery or all cuddled up in Mother's lap.
+Ambition: Sand for the older folks.
+
+MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced Parisian life
+into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise young man. Overlooked the
+fact that a king may rule a nation, but frequently is a poor press
+agent. Became incensed at his army and subjects. Moved in haste.
+Ambition: Lisbon and a dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards.
+Address: Watch bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And
+His Kingdom Are Soon Parted.
+
+MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could rule a
+city, but not a woman.
+
+MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women to gaze in
+mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day.
+
+MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph poles
+and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it possible for New
+York stock brokers to continue their business while journeying to Paris.
+
+MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by making a
+voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently been duplicated on
+liners out of the regular tourist season.
+
+MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and the
+tourist who dwelt within his canals.
+
+MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which tastes
+too good.
+
+MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom was seen
+without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her one day, thus causing
+considerable mirth among the pupils. Was severely reprimanded by the
+teacher, as it was against the regulations of the institution to permit
+animals, other than the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the
+lamb to the stable. Her biography has been extensively published.
+
+MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" about
+himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. Recreation:
+Bluebird raising.
+
+MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, who
+introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a young man he
+discovered that the tourists were not paying enough money to see the
+sights. With the assistance of some handsomely gowned women he opened a
+cafe on the Rue Royal where they could. For years it was patronized by
+his countrymen until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists
+were permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French
+cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, hear
+champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. Ambition:
+Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press Agent: The Merry Widow and
+the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph: Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense.
+
+MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things to kill
+people, and not to financially ruin them.
+
+MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered by
+those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for Methodists or
+Presbyterians.
+
+MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an acute
+stage.
+
+MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the bottle.
+
+MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man goes to his
+fate.
+
+MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion perquisite.
+Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His picture has been widely
+distributed, but never admired.
+
+MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet and
+feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model. Ambition: A telegraph.
+Recreation: Same as the gods. Address: General delivery.
+
+METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand.
+
+MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was instantly
+made the patron saint of France.
+
+MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat).
+
+MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known by
+everybody and the contents by few.
+
+MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to bring the
+price of champagne to within the reach of millionaires.
+
+MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced mormonism
+into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured crescents, religion, and
+made Mecca the mecca for everything. Early life spent in business. This
+did not pay. He then married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a
+hobby. Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his
+kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were given the
+alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid damascus blade or
+Islam. They always became fervently religious. Later M. embarked on
+a marrying campaign with equal success. Publications: The Koran,
+a treatise on everything. Ambition: The crescent on every flag.
+Recreation: Walking toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23
+Blvd. Allah, Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him.
+
+MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we do not
+have to see alone.
+
+MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of which
+nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the test.
+
+MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents in other
+lines had Marconi lived before his time.
+
+MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all generations. Born
+in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics as the son of Pharaoh's
+daughter and the leader of the Ghetto. When M. waxed astute, after the
+manner of his people, he discovered there were not sufficient shekels
+for himself and countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued
+the king for permission to close the pawn shops and clothing stores. Now
+in those days the children of Egypt were wont to patronize the bazaars
+of the children of the Chosen, and Pharaoh was wroth within himself and
+refused the passports. The brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and
+took ship's leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches
+to the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and his
+army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this time the
+journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this was due to good
+business or sore feet history does not relate. M. later climbed a
+mountain and received the ten commandments. After breaking them he
+returned to camp. He died before the journey was complete. Publications:
+Histories. Ambition: A railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation:
+Tennis and camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish
+Legation.
+
+MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who came around
+when you hit your finger with the hammer.
+
+MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to New York
+City.
+
+MUMM,(7) the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. The
+products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons who cannot
+afford them. They form one of the principal ingredients of a good time
+(see Paris).
+
+(7) Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the above stated
+facts.
+
+
+MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his books,
+lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned by scientific
+men, he is held in high regard due to his failure to claim the discovery
+of the north pole.
+
+MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the theory
+that while there was life there was a chance to sell some of his
+medicine.
+
+MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City.
+
+
+
+
+N
+
+NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl on his
+forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good luck. Started
+life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all great men, he was the
+dunce at school. Later he used his masters and prize-winning chums
+as first-row soldiers. Entered the army. Never succeeded as a sentry.
+Frequently amused himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing
+a city or an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young
+man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. Then he
+went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble with one Nelson of
+England. N. became unpopular with his neighbors. They all attacked him.
+He attacked them all. That settled it. He ate wars. After the powers
+were powerless N. scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He
+devoured Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too
+cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became rich and
+divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into France and carried
+a third term. Started things. Began quarreling again. At last he was
+cooped up in Paris, and flew the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited
+France. Started things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he
+was met by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced
+him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England presented
+N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and paid all his living
+expenses for six years. Later N. became responsible for one of the
+sights of Paris. Always carried his right hand in the front of his coat.
+Ambition: A French Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking
+along the shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph: I
+Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine Among The Few
+French People I Did Not Take To War.
+
+NAPOLEON II. Absent.
+
+NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. Ambition: Rough
+on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris
+when the Dutchmen would permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But
+No Bonaparte.
+
+NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined away
+into a flower and a tiresome song.
+
+NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette who
+believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be sober all the
+time.
+
+NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to spell.
+
+NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, wireless,
+and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to New York. Recreation:
+Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: Yacht.
+
+NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought nothing burned
+like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire departments a necessity in
+the Eternal City. Ambition: A good show in the Colosseum. Recreation:
+Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow.
+
+NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her husband.
+
+NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the theory that it
+is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to fall than to climb after
+it.
+
+NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. Will
+stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls who never fails
+to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand when you want to do
+something you know you should not do. Was driven from home when a young
+man. Set up competition and succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest
+community in existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable
+opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great people who
+ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much worry to mothers and
+wives, but seldom troubled the men. Publications: French literature;
+some fine books and pictures. Occupation: Looking for idle hands.
+Ambition: You. Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's,
+champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address: Paris. N.
+also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum.
+
+NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who succeeded
+without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or a license.
+
+NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had
+considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity. When a young
+man he shunned the ways of young men, and never sat in the seat of the
+scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the Clyde and designed the largest
+floating stable on record. Made quite a reputation as an animal
+collector. Took to the sea when well advanced in years. N. was the
+first man to descend Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension.
+Publications: The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger
+crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor. Clubs: Yacht.
+Epitaph: De Profundis.
+
+NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor union
+weapon. His invention also made possible the premature discharge of
+dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes.
+
+
+
+
+O
+
+O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born in Dublin,
+raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed in Dublin. Dublined
+in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition connects his name with the early
+stages of the home rule bill. Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster.
+Recreation: Oratory. Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color:
+Green.
+
+O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still bragged
+about.
+
+ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made it a crime
+to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth of March. (See St.
+Patrick.)
+
+ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. Practised in
+obscurity, and later appeared before large audiences. Made several
+successful concert tours. Married Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon.
+The bride did not wear shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died.
+O. descended to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian
+ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise to get out
+of the place without looking around to see what other respectable
+people were there. O. started for the door. He heard familiar voices and
+rubbered. That ended the contract, and for all the editor has been able
+to ascertain Eurydice is there to this day.
+
+OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that all
+fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men who got that
+story into print. Recreation: Medicine. Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He
+Practised, But Not What He Preached.
+
+OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell in love
+with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were married. Mrs. Othello
+lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs and was killed by her enraged
+husband. Shakespeare, of England, a writer, heard of the incident and
+made some money out of it.
+
+
+
+
+P
+
+PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who wore long
+red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, and broke pianos.
+
+PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven perch by
+Poe.
+
+PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. Born half a
+man and half a goat. Took after the latter. Studied music under the old
+masters and outfluted Apollo. Was also a sheep fancier. Fathered
+fife and drum corps. Ambition: A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite.
+Recreation: Hunting and falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs:
+Musical.
+
+PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, believed in
+fairies, and crowded houses in England and the United States.
+
+PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a government,
+starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, and made speeches for
+a living. Girlhood spent in developing muscle, pluck, and theories. She
+appeared before the public and declared that the liquor traffic would be
+terminated when women voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the
+men would not give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry,
+although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. "Votes for
+Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the "next." Publications:
+From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows I have Smashed. Address: London.
+Care Scotland Yard.
+
+PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break things.
+
+PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss.
+
+PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's wife
+named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him honor.
+
+PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries and Ulster.
+Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully explode dynamite in
+Parliament without being executed. Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland,
+a Conservativeless England. Address: Close to the English ministry.
+Epitaph: The Bills Men Introduced Live After Them.
+
+PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an opera stage.
+
+PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until he came to
+the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A subway station in Paris
+has been named after him.
+
+PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of Ireland with
+the exception of those in bottles. Also introduced the brogue and the
+shamrock into the Emerald Isle.
+
+PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the United States.
+There he took up the hod-carrying business. Went on the stage and set
+the world laughing. He also entered politics, captured the American
+police force, and, together with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great
+Britain and the United States.
+
+PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. Epitaph:
+Cum Grano Salis.
+
+PEAR,(8) the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps
+the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is
+international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy.
+
+(8) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does not use
+soap.
+
+
+PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the north pole
+and convinced a few people. Was also forced to write a book and lecture.
+Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a
+certain man had not made him get all the way there the last time. Grave:
+The Cook incident.
+
+PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats boxes. An
+Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, built the slow,
+old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the American Liberty Bell.
+
+PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. Secured
+his reputation through brains, a voice, and a well-oiled political
+machine. Started the golden age of Greece with a loud blast of the horn
+of plenty.
+
+PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of chocolate
+making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it into America.
+Ambition: More children and people with sweet teeth.
+
+PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent bookkeeper,
+and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has taken his name.
+Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling hinges. Address: Golden gates.
+
+PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also the father
+of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, cigarette factories, and
+made a handsome mummy.
+
+PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his suit,
+endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit and the armada
+were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an old maid. Ambition: To
+the Inquisition with all Englishmen. Motto: Faint heart never won fair
+lady. Address: Spain.
+
+PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have saved your
+hair.
+
+PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out of
+advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who believed what they
+read.
+
+PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held accounts
+against many people. Caused considerable worry to his creditors.
+
+PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers more
+careful of what they said. His invention has secured wealthy husbands
+for many a pretty and poor stenographer.
+
+PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat.
+
+PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. Also the
+manufacturer of a morning beverage.
+
+PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you wanted to
+wear your new hat or go to a ball game.
+
+POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and cold chills.
+
+POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity to get
+out of this book.
+
+POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.)
+
+POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer. Began
+expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and the Orient.
+Returned to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors. He is supposed,
+however, to have visited the countries, as he produced a pair of chop
+sticks, a Chinese laundry, and some Japanese lanterns. These were
+accepted as proofs by the University of Venice. Ambition: The north
+pole.
+
+POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have been a peach.
+Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make the dances at Versailles
+a success. Ambition: Plenty of hair. Recreation: Versailles. Address:
+See Louis. Clubs: Anti.
+
+POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and invented
+soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along.
+
+PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the doctrine
+of To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never convicted. Ancient records
+state he invariably had an excuse for present inactivity, but would
+promise results the following day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put
+off everything except Death, and even did his best to keep him away
+as long as possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To
+accomplish to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day. Recreation:
+Always before business. Address: Nobody knows. Clubs: Many.
+
+PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey
+encumbered with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some hairbreadth
+escapes, was stuck in the mud, but finally returned and became
+respectable like all other Englishmen.
+
+PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician who did
+not starve, and who gave the classical name "La Faniculla del West" to
+the plain "girl of the golden west."
+
+PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel. P. also
+is responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by porters.
+
+PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children, even
+if he did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life. Traveled in several
+European countries and spoke all the best-selling languages. His name
+has been given to a serious London publication.
+
+PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after they were
+dead.
+
+
+
+
+Q(9)
+
+(9) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have been
+famous.
+
+
+QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything when he
+came around.
+
+QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some desperate
+conquests for his lady-love, and was defeated by a windmill. In all his
+defeats, however, he showed to the world that a laugh cuts deeper than a
+sword, and that satire would kill where a lance could not penetrate. The
+word quixotic is used to his commemoration.
+
+
+
+
+R(10)
+
+(10) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the R's who
+have been famous.
+
+
+RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands with
+Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of the pipe into
+England and the plug into Ireland.
+
+RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial mountains,
+statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be named after him.
+
+RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made it
+worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some expensive
+paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his studio. Ambition:
+Churches with larger walls. Recreation: Painting, art, and canvas
+weaving. Address: All galleries.
+
+RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the
+newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would get plenty
+to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see somebody, and that
+you would have to wear your Sunday clothes. Her R. S. V. P.'s were
+always accepted. R. finally lost her money, and with it her friends.
+Ambition: The man of the hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It.
+
+REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old ladies and
+Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon himself by filling a
+museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing paintings.
+
+REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many pretty
+stenographers(11) sit.
+
+(11) Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the machine.
+
+
+REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre like Who
+Was Who should be used for ballast.
+
+RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased South
+Africa.
+
+RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by a stone.
+He rusted to death.
+
+RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis XIII,
+and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham.
+
+RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to stop, but
+cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. Recreation: Visiting
+his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. Clubs: Does not need any.
+
+ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of doing to his
+enemies what most politicians would like to do to theirs. Was finally
+voted out and down.
+
+ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction simply
+because some people were sufficiently clever to do things before his
+name could be pronounced.
+
+ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his camel
+through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building churches and
+colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all millionaires, he was born
+penniless. R. worked hard, helped the missions out of his $3 a week,
+married, and purchased some oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in
+a trust. Then he began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of
+business. As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could
+make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the latter portion
+of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and doubling his fortune by the
+dissolution of his business. Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less
+competition. Also another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf,
+the coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of competition.
+Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., when he can spare the
+time from his legal and congressional investigations.
+
+ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have the
+fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other young men how
+fortunate they were in being born poor and all about the fungus which
+grows on the root of all evil. Never knew what a good time he could have
+with his Dad's coin in Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation:
+Sunday school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old
+ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A.
+
+RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European and
+American galleries with statues at a price which would have made Mike
+Angelo a billionaire.
+
+ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter who
+gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English Channel. Later
+hit a snag in the Orient.
+
+ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true love
+ended in a cemetery.
+
+ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home life and in
+building Rome.
+
+ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent, The
+Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, interview
+giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, dee-lighted, "MYSELF,"
+mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver, band-wagon, Panama canal, rough
+rider, circus leader, circus, down-with-rafter, and a former retired and
+retiring president of the United States. When a young man he spent his
+father's money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large
+family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of rough
+riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the newspapers. Made up
+his mind he would stay there. R. became governor of New York State with
+ambitions. Being a wealthy man, and capable of contributing to the cause
+of the Republican party, he was elected vice-president of the United
+States. A hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper
+career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in the White
+House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country what a great
+president he was. The voters believed him, and did not object to four
+years more. During this administration R. successfully advertised
+himself, the family, started the Panama Canal, and appointed one William
+Howard Taft (see Poor Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through
+Africa with a magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men.
+After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and told the
+king how to king and the emperors how to emp. Returning to the United
+States he placed his hand in state politics. Fingers were badly burned.
+When it came time to elect another president, R. was tired of scene
+shifting and yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up
+his loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international Harvester
+Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a second Moses who was
+destined to lead the children of America out of the Land of the Frying
+Pan into that of the Fire. With a mighty army of politicians, who also
+wanted to get back, R. started his campaign with such a huge band he
+could not hear any others. The fight was based on telling the voters
+how easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had told
+them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by the greatest
+majority in history until the ballots were hatched. Later he joined the
+ranks of William Jennings Bryan. Publications: The "I" books. Ambition:
+To get back into Who's Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster
+Bay for newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same as
+Bryan's.
+
+ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as much
+money.
+
+ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will always escape
+the police.
+
+RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently changed, and
+therefore painted fat people without their clothes.
+
+RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes caused pain
+after a visit.
+
+RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with modern
+subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was spent in a
+steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. He was crowned in
+a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown,
+the crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony.
+Seldom goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of
+his subjects. In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing.
+Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing death
+warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by the servants.
+Send letters care St. Petersburg police department. Clubs: Army.
+Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not Have This Long Ago.
+
+
+
+
+S
+
+SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses
+in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is
+still in Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested.
+
+SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and
+spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered
+by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at
+Washington. S. was assisted in early life by a number of men who took an
+interest in him. When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother,
+but later became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization
+business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe
+attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the
+trust-raising business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In
+1897 he spanked a European power, but had to take care of the children
+after the incident. S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the
+former, although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long
+hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had
+bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank notes. Ambition:
+Another Republican president. Address: Washington, D. C., U. S. A.
+Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.)
+
+SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he
+rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady.
+Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide
+by pushing a temple on himself.
+
+SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of
+those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and
+sufficient brains to make money with it.
+
+SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough
+money and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked.
+
+SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the
+cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until
+election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him.
+
+SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by
+Mark Twain, and became a good salesman.
+
+SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful in
+advertising himself and his town. In England he is Schwepps.
+
+SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French Republic
+and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips with his wife and
+children. Clubs: Mother's.
+
+SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been beautiful,
+who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose less attractive
+sister got the better of her.
+
+SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting the
+national characteristics. His critics claim this was the reason he
+failed in business. Wrote some books which are read by students and
+persons possessing much time.
+
+SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran second
+to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited in European
+galleries.
+
+SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer.
+
+SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who introduced the
+marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain.
+
+SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the ignominy of
+reaching the desired point by the shortness of rations, but he was near
+enough to become a profitable author and lecturer.
+
+SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at Stratford-on-Avon. When a
+young man he amused himself by poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage,
+and being the village pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went
+to London, a city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was
+said to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His fame
+later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s birthplace is
+now one of the tourist sights of the world. More post-cards are sent
+from this town than from any of its size in Europe. The church where he
+lies buried has an immense floating congregation. S. also shared honors
+with one Bacon for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices
+in Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The World.
+Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.)
+
+SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of clean
+heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen into disrepute in
+that country, but is sometimes practiced in other lands.
+
+SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who made money
+by being honest enough to tell people what they knew. S.'s enemies claim
+he would have to work should his theories be put into practice. Believes
+in socialism and wants everything. Author of considerable sarcasm,
+wit, and divided opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless
+England. Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards.
+
+SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains against
+the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost.
+
+SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark.
+
+SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and giving a
+terse definition of war.
+
+SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person feels wealthy
+while at the table and poor afterward.
+
+SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers whose
+family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better job for her
+husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have time for any, and thus
+could not be a suffragette.
+
+SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the diplomatic
+game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent home. Occupation:
+Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country without diplomats. Address:
+Home.
+
+SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory.
+
+SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the exception
+of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair grounds. The man
+operated his business on a cash basis. Simon was broke and no sale was
+consummated.
+
+SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff.
+
+SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out salvation for the
+bald and envy to women.
+
+SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the first
+lobster.
+
+SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world.
+
+SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide.
+
+SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon
+who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he
+developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender
+age he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt
+his acumen. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building
+a city and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular
+songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife
+and an end to those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with
+the family. Also was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss.
+Solomon. Epitaph: Here Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All.
+
+SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents.
+Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and
+had a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never
+at home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked
+home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular
+with his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life.
+Address: Home.
+
+SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons
+between march compositions.
+
+SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated
+from monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the
+fittest.
+
+SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain
+and the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent,
+incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in
+his incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too
+Much Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career.
+S.'s first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech
+maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print
+led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting.
+Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation:
+Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string
+of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and
+Hope.)
+
+SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to
+the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her
+head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices
+and looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this
+direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of
+adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were
+not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except
+herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they
+belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued
+parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on
+behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas!
+The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It."
+
+SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor
+of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office
+in order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your
+sins will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet:
+Tigers. Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will,
+But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still.
+
+
+
+
+T
+
+TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president
+of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the Constitution, the
+Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter
+resulted in his election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would
+not step aside and let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers
+fought and another ran away with the election. Principal events during
+T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard
+Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to
+Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's
+Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless Predecessor.
+
+TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper.
+
+TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front
+row did.
+
+TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a
+charging brigade.
+
+TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might
+always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend.
+
+THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a
+wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only
+got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden.
+Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man
+who ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring
+in Canada and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation:
+Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper.
+
+THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon.
+
+THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of
+the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse.
+
+THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his
+misfortunes and the curiosity of the world.
+
+TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job.
+
+TIFFANY,(12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices
+into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires.
+Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good
+margin. Ambition: A man in love.
+
+(12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an
+actress.
+
+
+TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very
+unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind
+to the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women,
+and placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author:
+Of tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem.
+
+TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P.
+Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes.
+Recreation: He never had any.
+
+TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular
+with the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause
+consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could
+paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models.
+
+TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark.
+
+TOM. (See Richard and Harry.)
+
+TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town,
+village, and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate
+States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match
+which kindled the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all
+negroes are not Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were
+made back in 1861.
+
+TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought
+post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages,
+and then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look
+at everything. Address: Principally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They
+Saw, They Vanished.
+
+TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the
+longest siege in history to make her elope back again.
+
+TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas.
+
+TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner
+speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh.
+
+TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers.
+
+TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be
+divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical
+mangers.
+
+
+
+
+U
+
+UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving
+to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the
+Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has
+become profitable.
+
+ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege
+of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped
+from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole
+in his eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens.
+Stayed away from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His
+dog, however, recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the
+barn. Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca.
+
+UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama
+who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had
+something to do with the high cost of tariffing.
+
+UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries.
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was
+appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in
+every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V.
+
+VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads,
+much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for
+Newport and newspapers.
+
+VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with
+portraits and his tonsorial achievement.
+
+VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes.
+
+VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and
+had to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted
+at sea. Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an
+affair with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her
+old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in
+years. Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: Love.
+Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was
+too good looking to be a suffragette.
+
+VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor
+to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two
+or three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty Titian.
+
+VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists.
+
+VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after
+the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner
+he succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See
+Columbus.)
+
+VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking
+machine.
+
+VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His
+reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence.
+Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for
+purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper.
+
+VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid.
+
+VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for
+protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her
+thumbs.
+
+VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey
+trot.
+
+VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth.
+
+VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had
+a career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus.
+
+
+
+
+W
+
+WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the
+opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices
+appeared.
+
+WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until
+you appeared.
+
+WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories.
+
+WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping
+trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and
+being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United
+States, said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided
+he was not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has
+been widely distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big
+Uncle Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs:
+Anti-Ananias.
+
+WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black
+man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory.
+He also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being coons.
+(See Uncle Tom.)
+
+WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes.
+
+WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the
+invention of investigating committees. He died famous.
+
+WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language
+itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by
+saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short.
+
+WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to
+say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier
+makes a poor politician.
+
+WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of
+dreadnaughts.
+
+WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker.
+
+WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris,
+made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was
+caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan
+prince. W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love
+with her and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar.
+Ambition: Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will
+There Be Another Like Her?
+
+WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages.
+
+WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business.
+
+WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No
+relation to the following.
+
+WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational
+institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few
+cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address
+to Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who,
+but whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be
+determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt
+and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain
+exercises, thinking, Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty.
+Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican.
+
+WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's
+little tummie.
+
+WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal
+Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many
+grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess.
+
+WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his
+profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by
+Shakespeare.
+
+WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the
+inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two
+in the air.
+
+
+
+
+X(13)
+
+(13) Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for the X's.
+
+
+XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his country.
+He died young.
+
+XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone.
+
+
+
+
+Y
+
+YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. Football,
+pipe, and bulldog fancier.
+
+YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an
+emaciated condition.
+
+YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the United
+States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he became a strong
+anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. Utah increased in population
+and was admitted as a state. After building a great temple, dedicated to
+Hymen, he died, leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs:
+See Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: Utah.
+Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son.
+
+
+
+
+Z
+
+ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen was more
+profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised Utopia. Recreation:
+Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. Clubs: A. O. H.
+
+ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the greatest book
+ever written.
+
+ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an aeronaut
+who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. Ambition: The elevation
+of the German army. Recreation: Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address:
+Air. Clubs: Aero.
+
+ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm countries.
+He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their kind
+attention.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Anonymous
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHO WAS WHO: 5000 B. C. TO DATE ***
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