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diff --git a/old/dvldc10.txt b/old/dvldc10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bba0033 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/dvldc10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9322 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Devil's Dictionary by Bierce +#3 in our series by Ambrose Bierce [From Wiretap] + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +The Internet Wiretap 1st Online Edition of + + + + +THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY +by +AMBROSE BIERCE + + + +Entered by Aloysius of &tSftDotIotE +aloysius@west.darkside.com + + + +AUTHOR'S PREFACE + +_The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was +continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that +year a large part of it was published in covers with the title _The +Cynic's Word Book_, a name which the author had not the power to +reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the +present work: + +"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by +the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the +work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out +in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a +score of 'cynic' books -- _The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and +_The Cynic's t'Other_. Most of these books were merely stupid, though +some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they +brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing +it was discredited in advance of publication." + +Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country +had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, +and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had +become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is +made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial +of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely +resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to +whom the work is addressed -- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines +to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. + +A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of the book +is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of +whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, +S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly +encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly +indebted. + +A.B. + + + + +A + + + +ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence +of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when +addressing an employer. + +ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside +from molesting the rubbish inside. + +ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the +high temperature of the throne. + + Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication + Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. + For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: + She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. + To History she'll be no royal riddle -- + Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. + +G.J. + + +ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with +sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient +faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at +the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence +for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a +free hand in the world's marketing the race would become +graminivorous. + +ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of +the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the +last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high +degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is +rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn. + +ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and +conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be +detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the +straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. +Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and +the hope of Hell. + +ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a +newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. + +ABRACADABRA. + + By _Abracadabra_ we signify + An infinite number of things. + 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? + And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby + The Truth (with the comfort it brings) + Is open to all who grope in night, + Crying for Wisdom's holy light. + + Whether the word is a verb or a noun + Is knowledge beyond my reach. + I only know that 'tis handed down. + From sage to sage, + From age to age -- + An immortal part of speech! + + Of an ancient man the tale is told + That he lived to be ten centuries old, + In a cave on a mountain side. + (True, he finally died.) + The fame of his wisdom filled the land, + For his head was bald, and you'll understand + His beard was long and white + And his eyes uncommonly bright. + + Philosophers gathered from far and near + To sit at his feet and hear and hear, + Though he never was heard + To utter a word + But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_, + _Abracada, abracad_, + _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" + 'Twas all he had, + 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each + Made copious notes of the mystical speech, + Which they published next -- + A trickle of text + In the meadow of commentary. + Mighty big books were these, + In a number, as leaves of trees; + In learning, remarkably -- very! + + He's dead, + As I said, + And the books of the sages have perished, + But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. + In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, + Like an ancient bell that forever swings. + O, I love to hear + That word make clear + Humanity's General Sense of Things. + +Jamrach Holobom + + +ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. + + When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for + people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of + mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel + them to the separation. + +Oliver Cromwell + + +ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- +shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most +affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another +author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." + +ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the +property of another. + + Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; + The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. + +Phela Orm + + +ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; +hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection +of another. + + To men a man is but a mind. Who cares + What face he carries or what form he wears? + But woman's body is the woman. O, + Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, + But heed the warning words the sage hath said: + A woman absent is a woman dead. + +Jogo Tyree + + +ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to +remove himself from the sphere of exaction. + +ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is +one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases +the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them +having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's +power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, +which are governed by chance. + +ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying +himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from +everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the +affairs of others. + + Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought + You a total abstainer, my son." + "So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught -- + "But not, sir, a bigoted one." + +G.J. + + +ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with +one's own opinion. + +ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were +taught. + +ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is +taught. + +ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable +natural laws. + +ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty +knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, +knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the +matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one +having offered them a fee for assenting. + +ACCORD, n. Harmony. + +ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an +assassin. + +ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. + + "My accountability, bear in mind," + Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," + Said the Shah: "I do -- 'tis the only kind + Of ability you possess." + +Joram Tate + + +ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a +justification of ourselves for having wronged him. + +ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who +absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar +had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de +Joinville. + +ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. + +ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's +faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. + +ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, +but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight +when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or +famous. + +ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. + +ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. + +ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in +solicitate of gold. + +ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding +funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. + +ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects +to get. + +ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to +receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of +straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. + +ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the +figure-head does the thinking. + +ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to +ourselves. + +ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. + + Consigned by way of admonition, + His soul forever to perdition. + +Judibras + + +ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly. + +ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. + + "The man was in such deep distress," + Said Tom, "that I could do no less + Than give him good advice." Said Jim: + "If less could have been done for him + I know you well enough, my son, + To know that's what you would have done." + +Jebel Jocordy + + +AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. + +AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for +another and bitter world. + +AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way. + +AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that +we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the +enterprise to commit. + +AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors +-- to dislodge the worms. + +AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to. + "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" + She tenderly inquired. + "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; + The fact is -- I have fired." + +G.J. + + +AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for +the fattening of the poor. + +ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving +with a pretence of open marauding. + +ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. + +ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the +Christian, Jewish, and so forth. + + Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, + And ever for the sins of man have wept; + And sometimes kneeling in the temple I + Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. + +Junker Barlow + + +ALLEGIANCE, n. + + This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, + Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, + Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed + To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. + +G.J. + + +ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who +have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they +cannot separately plunder a third. + +ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to +the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus +says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces +crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the +other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a +sawrian. + +ALONE, adj. In bad company. + + In contact, lo! the flint and steel, + By spark and flame, the thought reveal + That he the metal, she the stone, + Had cherished secretly alone. + +Booley Fito + + +ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the +small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination +and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, +except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a +male and a female tool. + + They stood before the altar and supplied + The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. + In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim + An offering burnt with an unholy flame. + +M.P. Nopput + + +AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket +or a left. + +AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while +living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. + +AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would +be too expensive to punish. + +ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already +sufficiently slippery. + + As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, + So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. + +Judibras + + +ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. + +APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. + + The flabby wine-skin of his brain + Yields to some pathologic strain, + And voids from its unstored abysm + The driblet of an aphorism. + +"The Mad Philosopher," 1697 + + +APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. + +APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle +only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient +to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. + +APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor +and grave worm's provider. + + When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, + And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, + That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth + Disease for the apothecary's health, + Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: + "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" + +G.J. + + +APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. + +APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a +solution to the labor question. + +APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. + +APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. + +ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a +bishop. + + If I were a jolly archbishop, + On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- + Salmon and flounders and smelts; + On other days everything else. + +Jodo Rem + + +ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft +of your money. + +ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. + +ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman +wrestles with his record. + +ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word +is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy +hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank +accounts. + +ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a +blacksmith. + +ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter +hanged to a lamppost. + +ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. + + God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. + +_The Unauthorized Version_ + + +ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom +it greatly affects in turn. + + "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," + Consenting, he did speak up; + "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, + Than put it in my teacup." + +Joel Huck + + +ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as +follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. + + One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- + Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, + And said it was a god's name! Straight arose + Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, + And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, + And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) + To serve his temple and maintain the fires, + Expound the law, manipulate the wires. + Amazed, the populace that rites attend, + Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, + And, inly edified to learn that two + Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) + Have sweeter values and a grace more fit + Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, + Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, + And sell their garments to support the priests. + +ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by +long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased +to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. + +ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which +one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. + +ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia +City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, +and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously +celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and +country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this +noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. +II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a +god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we +may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two +animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of +men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers +the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written +about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and +magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which +clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all +literature is more or less Asinine. + + "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; + "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" + Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: + God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!" + +G.J. + + +AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked +a pocket with his tongue. + +AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and +commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate +dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an +island. + +AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal +regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by +a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have +suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, +has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. + + _Facilis descensus Averni,_ + The poet remarks; and the sense + Of it is that when down-hill I turn I + Will get more of punches than pence. + +Jehal Dai Lupe + + + + +B + + + +BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. +As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had +the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous +account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his +glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word +"babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As +Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays +on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, +and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the +priests of Guttledom. + +BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or +condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and +antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. +There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose +adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries +before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being +preserved on a floating lotus leaf. + + Ere babes were invented + The girls were contended. + Now man is tormented + Until to buy babes he has squandered + His money. And so I have pondered + This thing, and thought may be + 'T were better that Baby + The First had been eagled or condored. + +Ro Amil + + +BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse +for getting drunk. + + Is public worship, then, a sin, + That for devotions paid to Bacchus + The lictors dare to run us in, + And resolutely thump and whack us? + +Jorace + + +BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to +contemplate in your adversity. + +BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find +you. + +BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The +best kind is beauty. + +BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself +in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is +performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by +aspersion, or sprinkling. + + But whether the plan of immersion + Is better than simple aspersion + Let those immersed + And those aspersed + Decide by the Authorized Version, + And by matching their agues tertian. + +G.J. + + +BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of +weather we are having. + +BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of +which it is their business to deprive others. + +BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched form the egg +of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. +Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator +saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment +for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno +afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing +is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, +but the cocks have stopped laying. + +BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. + +BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, +with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. + + The man who taketh a steam bath + He loseth all the skin he hath, + And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, + Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, + Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling + With dirty vapors of the boiling. + +Richard Gwow + + +BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot +that would not yield to the tongue. + +BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly +execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. + +BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a +husband. + +BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. + +BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the +belief that it will not be given. + + Who is that, father? + A mendicant, child, + Haggard, morose, and unaffable -- wild! + See how he glares through the bars of his cell! + With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. + + Why did they put him there, father? + + Because + Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. + + His belly? + + Oh, well, he was starving, my boy -- + A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. + No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry + Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" + + What's the matter with pie? + + With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; + To beg was unlawful -- improper as well. + + Why didn't he work? + + He would even have done that, + But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" + I mention these incidents merely to show + That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. + Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, + But for trifles -- + + Pray what did bad Mendicant do? + + Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack + And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. + + Is that _all_ father dear? + + There's little to tell: + They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -- well, + The company's better than here we can boast, + And there's -- + + Bread for the needy, dear father? + + Um -- toast. + +Atka Mip + + +BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. + +BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by +breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach +Holobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_: + + Recordare, Jesu pie, + Quod sum causa tuae viae. + Ne me perdas illa die. + + Pray remember, sacred Savior, + Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your + Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. + +BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly +poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two +tongues. + +BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars. + + She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be + A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. + "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she -- + "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." + +"The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) + + +BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, +however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the +means of all. + +BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor +of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. + + Her locks an ancient lady gave + Her loving husband's life to save; + And men -- they honored so the dame -- + Upon some stars bestowed her name. + + But to our modern married fair, + Who'd give their lords to save their hair, + No stellar recognition's given. + There are not stars enough in heaven. + +G.J. + + +BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will +adjudge a punishment called trigamy. + +BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion +that you do not entertain. + +BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent. + +BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of +it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born +from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block +of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he +grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It +is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a +stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount +Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. + +BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box +of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on +the wrong side. An inverted gentleman. + +BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult +kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much +affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind. + +BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the +young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied +the undertaker. The hyena. + + "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, + I and my comrades, four in all, + When visiting a graveyard stood + Within the shadow of a wall. + + "While waiting for the moon to sink + We saw a wild hyena slink + About a new-made grave, and then + Begin to excavate its brink! + + "Shocked by the horrid act, we made + A sally from our ambuscade, + And, falling on the unholy beast, + Dispatched him with a pick and spade." + +Bettel K. Jhones + + +BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to +become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. + +Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a +dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would +be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give +you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" +inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold." + +BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. + +BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to +eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, +which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill- +smelling. + +BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker. + +BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two +nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary +rights of the other. + +BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who +has nothing to get all that he can. + + A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects + every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal + instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His + creatures. + +Henry Ward Beecher + + +BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu +and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is +found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, +for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by +Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy +and learned men who are never naughty. + + O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, + First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, + You sit there so calm and securely, + With feet folded up so demurely -- + You're the First Person Singular, surely. + +Polydore Smith + + +BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which +distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man +who wishes to _do_ something. A man of great wealth, or one who has +been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of +brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our +civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so +highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of +office. + +BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one +part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the- +grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. +Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero +will venture to drink it. + +BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. + +BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND. + + + +C + + + +CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the +patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps +asked the archangel for bread. + +CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and +wise as a man's head. + The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending +the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire +consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the +cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of +state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that +several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his +murmuring subjects were appeased. + +CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder +that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities +are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to +others. + +CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils +afflicting another. + When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was +observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you +weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great +Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." + +CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. + +CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to +the show business. There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper +and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. + +CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple +tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. + +CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national +boundaries. + +CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven. + +CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, +the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the +anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the +disgrace before meat. _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the +justice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all +the assassins -- entertain grave misgivings. + +CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. + + As Death was a-rising out one day, + Across Mount Camel he took his way, + Where he met a mendicant monk, + Some three or four quarters drunk, + With a holy leer and a pious grin, + Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, + Who held out his hands and cried: + "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. + Give in the name of the Church. O give, + Give that her holy sons may live!" + And Death replied, + Smiling long and wide: + "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee -- a ride." + + With a rattle and bang + Of his bones, he sprang + From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; + By the neck and the foot + Seized the fellow, and put + Him astride with his face to the rear. + + The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell + Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: + "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say, + Will ride to the devil!" -- and _thump_ + Fell the flat of his dart on the rump + Of the charger, which galloped away. + + Faster and faster and faster it flew, + Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew + By the road were dim and blended and blue + To the wild, wild eyes + Of the rider -- in size + Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. + Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh + At a burial service spoiled, + And the mourners' intentions foiled + By the body erecting + Its head and objecting + To further proceedings in its behalf. + + Many a year and many a day + Have passed since these events away. + The monk has long been a dusty corse, + And Death has never recovered his horse. + For the friar got hold of its tail, + And steered it within the pale + Of the monastery gray, + Where the beast was stabled and fed + With barley and oil and bread + Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, + And so in due course was appointed Prior. + +G.J. + + +CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous +vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. + +CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author +of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased +to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum +might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ -- +"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an +approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. + +CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be +kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. + + This is a dog, + This is a cat. + This is a frog, + This is a rat. + Run, dog, mew, cat. + Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. + +Elevenson + + +CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work. + +CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, +poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The +inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained +in these Olympian games: + + His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to + overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives + they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here + commemorated by his family, who shared them. + In the earth we here prepare a + Place to lay our little Clara. + +Thomas M. and Mary Frazer + + P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her. + +CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of +labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who +followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The +best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse +added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John +the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat +sophisticated sacred history. + +CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the +entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, +sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the +entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the +poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor +Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give +his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes +the number twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely +conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, +and (b) something about arithmetic. + +CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the +idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin +of manhood and three from the remorse of age. + +CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely +inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. +One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not +inconsistent with a life of sin. + + I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! + The godly multitudes walked to and fro + Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, + With pious mien, appropriately sad, + While all the church bells made a solemn din -- + A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. + Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, + With tranquil face, upon that holy show + A tall, spare figure in a robe of white, + Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. + "God keep you, strange," I exclaimed. "You are + No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; + And yet I entertain the hope that you, + Like these good people, are a Christian too." + He raised his eyes and with a look so stern + It made me with a thousand blushes burn + Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced: + "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." + +G.J. + + +CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted +to see men, women and children acting the fool. + +CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of +seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a +blockhead. + +CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with +cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a +clarionet -- two clarionets. + +CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual +affairs as a method of better his temporal ones. + +CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over +history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent +citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being +addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. + +CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern +for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. + + A busy man complained one day: + "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" + Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; + "You have, sir, all the time there is. + There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- + We're never for an hour without it." + +Purzil Crofe + + +CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many +meritorious persons wish to obtain. + + "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried + To thrifty J. Macpherson; + "See me -- I'm ready to divide + With any worthy person." + Sad Jamie: "That is very true -- + The boast requires no backing; + And all are worthy, sir, to you, + Who have what you are lacking." + +Anita M. Bobe + + +COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the +sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a +brotherhood of awful examples. + + O Coenobite, O coenobite, + Monastical gregarian, + You differ from the anchorite, + That solitudinarian: + With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; + With dropping shots he makes him sick. + +Quincy Giles + + +COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's +uneasiness. + +COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that +resembles, but do not equal, our own. + +COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the +goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money +belonging to E. + +COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable +multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously +efficient. + + This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, + So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew + Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches + Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays + That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins + Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. + On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, + Misfortune attend and disaster befall! + May life be to them a succession of hurts; + May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; + May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, + Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; + May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, + And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; + May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, + And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. + Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse + Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, + By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors -- + The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! + Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! + Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, + Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. + +K.Q. + + +COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives +each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought +not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his +due. + +COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. + +CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than +sympathy. + +CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, +confided by _him_ to C. + +CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. + +CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. + +CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and +nothing about anything else. + An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, +some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he +murmured and died. + +CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as +distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with +others. + +CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate +than yourself. + +CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure +an office from the people is given one by the Administration on +condition that he leave the country. + +CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already +decided on. + +CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too +formidable safely to be opposed. + +CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the +injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. + + In controversy with the facile tongue -- + That bloodless warfare of the old and young -- + So seek your adversary to engage + That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, + And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, + With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. + You ask me how this miracle is done? + Adopt his own opinions, one by one, + And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath + He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. + Advance then gently all you wish to prove, + Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've + So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say, + And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way, + This view of it which, better far expressed, + Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest + To him, secure that he'll perform his trust + And prove your views intelligent and just. + +Conmore Apel Brune + + +CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to +meditate upon the vice of idleness. + +CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental +commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of +his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. + +CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward +and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a +dynamite bomb. + +CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military +ladder. + + Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, + Our corporal heroically fell! + Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl + And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." + +Giacomo Smith + + +CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit +without individual responsibility. + +CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. + +COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff. + +COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. + +CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but +less indigestible. + + In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably + figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only + backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the + perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to + avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend + their nature afterward. + +Sir James Merivale + + +CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial +Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. + +CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. + +CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody +tries to please him. + + There is a land of pure delight, + Beyond the Jordan's flood, + Where saints, apparelled all in white, + Fling back the critic's mud. + + And as he legs it through the skies, + His pelt a sable hue, + He sorrows sore to recognize + The missiles that he threw. + +Orrin Goof + + +CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its +significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, +but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been +believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallic +worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, +to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as +a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent +neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father +Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following: + + "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood + Cry out in holy chorus, + And, to dissuade from sin, parade + Their various charms before us. + + But why, O why, has ne'er an eye + Seen her of winsome manner + And youthful grace and pretty face + Flaunting the White Cross banner? + + Now where's the need of speech and screed + To better our behaving? + A simpler plan for saving man + (But, first, is he worth saving?) + + Is, dears, when he declines to flee + From bad thoughts that beset him, + Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, + And wants to sin -- don't let him. + +CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_? + +CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person +from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction +and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier +gets the skins of more foxes than asses." + +CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a +barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of +its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is +the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual +love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the +wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art +grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work -- +this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on +the doorstep of prosperity. + +CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The +desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one +of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. + +CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This +is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is +commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a +cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of +life insurance. + +CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, +not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of +plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. + + + +D + + + +DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning +of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to +have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree +of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it +expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently +occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy." It +would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion +conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. + +DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably +with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many +kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two +sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously +innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. + +DANGER, n. + + A savage beast which, when it sleeps, + Man girds at and despises, + But takes himself away by leaps + And bounds when it arises. + +Ambat Delaso + + +DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in +security. + +DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, +whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words +_Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of +God. + +DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men +prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk +with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then +point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy +health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, +not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find +only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the +others who have tried it. + +DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period +is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day +improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter +consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity +overlap. + +DEAD, adj. + + Done with the work of breathing; done + With all the world; the mad race run + Though to the end; the golden goal + Attained and found to be a hole! + +Squatol Johnes + + +DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has +had the misfortune to overtake it. + +DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- +driver. + + As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet + Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, + Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, + Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; + So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, + Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, + Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, + And finds at last he might as well have paid it. + +Barlow S. Vode + + +DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough +to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to +embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the +Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. + + Thou shalt no God but me adore: + 'Twere too expensive to have more. + + No images nor idols make + For Robert Ingersoll to break. + + Take not God's name in vain; select + A time when it will have effect. + + Work not on Sabbath days at all, + But go to see the teams play ball. + + Honor thy parents. That creates + For life insurance lower rates. + + Kill not, abet not those who kill; + Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. + + Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless + Thine own thy neighbor doth caress + + Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete + Successfully in business. Cheat. + + Bear not false witness -- that is low -- + But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." + + Cover thou naught that thou hast not + By hook or crook, or somehow, got. + +G.J. + + +DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences +over another set. + + A leaf was riven from a tree, + "I mean to fall to earth," said he. + + The west wind, rising, made him veer. + "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." + + The east wind rose with greater force. + Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course." + + With equal power they contend. + He said: "My judgment I suspend." + + Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, + Cried: "I've decided to fall straight." + + "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; + Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. + + Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, + You'll have no hand in it at all. + +G.J. + + +DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. + +DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack. + +DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. +The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it +required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes +of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of +sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps +why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of +returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he +would certainly have starved. + +DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from +private station to political preferment. + +DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the +Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its +name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man +pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. + +DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. +Variously pronounced. + +DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that +comes in sets. + +DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which +side it is buttered on. + +DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away +the sins (and sinners) of the world. + +DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising +Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many +other goodly sons and daughters. + + All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee + The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; + For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, + Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. + +Mumfrey Mappel + + +DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, +pulls coins out of your pocket. + +DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support +which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. + +DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. +The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and +an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. +When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud +of dust. + + "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, + "To-day the books are to be tried + By experts and accountants who + Have been commissioned to go through + Our office here, to see if we + Have stolen injudiciously. + Please have the proper entries made, + The proper balances displayed, + Conforming to the whole amount + Of cash on hand -- which they will count. + I've long admired your punctual way -- + Here at the break and close of day, + Confronting in your chair the crowd + Of business men, whose voices loud + And gestures violent you quell + By some mysterious, calm spell -- + Some magic lurking in your look + That brings the noisiest to book + And spreads a holy and profound + Tranquillity o'er all around. + So orderly all's done that they + Who came to draw remain to pay. + But now the time demands, at last, + That you employ your genius vast + In energies more active. Rise + And shake the lightnings from your eyes; + Inspire your underlings, and fling + Your spirit into everything!" + The Master's hand here dealt a whack + Upon the Deputy's bent back, + When straightway to the floor there fell + A shrunken globe, a rattling shell + A blackened, withered, eyeless head! + The man had been a twelvemonth dead. + +Jamrach Holobom + + +DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for +failure. + +DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's +pulse and purse. + +DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest +from disorders of the bowels. + +DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can +relate to himself without blushing. + + Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ + All that he had of wisdom and of wit. + So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, + Erased all entries of his own and cried: + "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: + "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- + Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, + That record from a pocket in his shroud. + The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, + Each stupid line of which he knew before, + Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit + On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; + Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. + "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: + You'd never be content this side the tomb -- + For big ideas Heaven has little room, + And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," + He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. + +"The Mad Philosopher" + + +DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of +despotism to the plague of anarchy. + +DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth +of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, +however, is a most useful work. + +DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because +there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, +however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it +is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet +and domestic economist, Senator Depew: + + A cube of cheese no larger than a die + May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. + +DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the +process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from +which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies +are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. + +DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. + +DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better +error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. + +DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or +thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. + +DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. + +DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. + +DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity +of a command. + + His right to govern me is clear as day, + My duty manifest to disobey; + And if that fit observance e'er I shut + May I and duty be alike undone. + +Israfel Brown + + +DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. + Let us dissemble. + +Adam + + +DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to +call theirs, and keep. + +DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a +friend. + +DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as +many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce +and the early fool. + +DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch +the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in +some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection +of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog +is a survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, +yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, +sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means +wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned +with a look of tolerant recognition. + +DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal +measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on +horseback. + +DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French. + +DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which +did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. +Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says +their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as +Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to +Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have +obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his +talent for human sacrifice was considerable. + Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing +of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They +were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently +catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England -- +Dissenters. + +DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back +season. + +DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two +enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if +awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences +sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. + + That dueling's a gentlemanly vice + I hold; and wish that it had been my lot + To live my life out in some favored spot -- + Some country where it is considered nice + To split a rival like a fish, or slice + A husband like a spud, or with a shot + Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot + And ready to be put upon the ice. + Some miscreants there are, whom I do long + To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim + The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, + I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. + It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, + Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! + +Xamba Q. Dar + + +DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. +The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy +have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their +insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh +with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence +they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having +blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and +many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent +times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread +all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, +literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came +over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report +of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion +has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy +statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but +little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The +intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, +but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral. + +DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, +along the line of desire. + + Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, + Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. + His anger provoked him to take the king's head, + But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, + Instead. + +G.J. + + + + +E + + + +EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of +mastication, humectation, and deglutition. + "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat- +Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; +"eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, +monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was +eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before." + +EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and +vices of another or yourself. + + A lady with one of her ears applied + To an open keyhole heard, inside, + Two female gossips in converse free -- + The subject engaging them was she. + "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks + That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" + As soon as no more of it she could hear + The lady, indignant, removed her ear. + "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, + "To hear my character lied about!" + +Gopete Sherany + + +ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ +it to accentuate their incapacity. + +ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for +the price of the cow that you cannot afford. + +EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a +toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man +to a worm. + +EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, +Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely +virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the +virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the +splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he +resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the +tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as +the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. +Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of +thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the +Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the +editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to +suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard +the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines +of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack +up some pathos. + + O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, + A gilded impostor is he. + Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, + His crown is brass, + Himself an ass, + And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. + Prankily, crankily prating of naught, + Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. + Public opinion's camp-follower he, + Thundering, blundering, plundering free. + Affected, + Ungracious, + Suspected, + Mendacious, + Respected contemporaree! + J.H. Bumbleshook + +EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the +foolish their lack of understanding. + +EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in +the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the +other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has +never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the +rabbit the cause of a dog. + +EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. + + Megaceph, chosen to serve the State + In the halls of legislative debate, + One day with all his credentials came + To the capitol's door and announced his name. + The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist + Of the face, at the eminent egotist, + And said: "Go away, for we settle here + All manner of questions, knotty and queer, + And we cannot have, when the speaker demands + To be told how every member stands, + A man who to all things under the sky + Assents by eternally voting 'I'." + +EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is +also much used in cases of extreme poverty. + +ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man +of another man's choice. + +ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known +to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, +and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most +picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory +of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in +France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, +bearing the following touching account of his life and services to +science: + + "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This + illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the + world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, + of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." + + Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the +arts and industries. The question of its economical application to +some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved +that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more +light than a horse. + +ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of +the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind +the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins +somewhat like this: + + The cur foretells the knell of parting day; + The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; + The wise man homeward plods; I only stay + To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. + +ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the +color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color +appear white. + +ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients +foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This +ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth +by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven! + +EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to +the despotism of himself. + + He was a slave: at word he went and came; + His iron collar cut him to the bone. + Then Liberty erased his owner's name, + Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. + +G.J. + + +EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which +it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural +balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their +once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting +more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step +in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be +ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a +bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him +after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose +are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_. + +EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the +heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge +of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. + +ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. + +END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the +Interlocutor. + + The man was perishing apace + Who played the tambourine; + The seal of death was on his face -- + 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. + + "This is the end," the sick man said + In faint and failing tones. + A moment later he was dead, + And Tambourine was Bones. + +Tinley Roquot + + +ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. + + Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter + Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. + +Arbely C. Strunk + + +ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of +death by injection. + +ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of +repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. +Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a +relapse, which carried him off -- to Missolonghi. + +ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the +husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. + +ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. + +EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military +officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower +rank to whom his death would give promotion. + +EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, +holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time +in gratification from the senses. + +EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently +characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. +Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and +ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: + + We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To + serve oneself is economy of administration. + + In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a + nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal + activity. + + There are three sexes; males, females and girls. + + Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: + they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility. + Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be + ashamed of. + + While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands + you are safe, for you can watch both his. + +EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired +by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: + + Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, + Wise, pious, humble and all that, + Who showed us life as all should live it; + Let that be said -- and God forgive it! + +ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. + + So wide his erudition's mighty span, + He knew Creation's origin and plan + And only came by accident to grief -- + He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. + +Romach Pute + + +ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. +The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that +the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, +those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most +profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in +our time. + +ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, +as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and +ethnologists. + +EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. + A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as +to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred +thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. + +EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth +and power, or the consideration to be dead. + +EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious +sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of +our neighbors. + +EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence +that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am +not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of +Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," +as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_. His book +was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is +still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of +the soul. + +EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other +things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The +exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips +of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought +of its absurdity. In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means +that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not +_confirms_ it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this +excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an +evil power which appears to be immortal. + +EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate +penalties the law of moderation. + + Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, + To thee in worship do I bend the knee + Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- + My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. + Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, + Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree + With reason as thy touch, exact and free, + Upon my forehead and along my spine. + At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, + With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; + When on thy stool of penitence I sit + I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. + Ungrateful he who afterward would falter + To make new sacrifices at thine altar! + +EXCOMMUNICATION, n. + + This "excommunication" is a word + In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, + And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, + Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal -- + A rite permitting Satan to enslave him + Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. + +Gat Huckle + + +EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to +enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the +judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of +no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The +Lunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: + + LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes + directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be + known whether it is constitutional? + TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the + Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many + years somebody objects to its operation against himself -- I + mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to + execute it at once. + LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. + Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances + that they enforce? + TERRESTRIAN: Not yet -- at least not in their character of + constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the + approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. + LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by + the murderer. + TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so + consistent. + LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial + machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they + have long been executed, and then only when brought before the + court by some private person -- does it not cause great + confusion? + TERRESTRIAN: It does. + LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being + executed, be validated, not by the signature of your + President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme + Court? + TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course. + LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? + TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three + volumes each. So how can any one know? + +EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another +upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. + +EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not +an ambassador. + An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of +Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years +afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of +unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the +ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply: + + Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly + received. War with the whole world! + +EXISTENCE, n. + + A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, + Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: + From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge + Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" + +EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an +undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. + + To one who, journeying through night and fog, + Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, + Experience, like the rising of the dawn, + Reveals the path that he should not have gone. + +Joel Frad Bink + + +EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to +lose their friends. + +EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the +future state. + + + +F + + + +FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly +inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, +and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The +fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a +clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately +as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of +the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected +that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of +fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a +peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The +son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but +afterward returned. He had seen the abduction been in pursuit of the +fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers +that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one +change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great +slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original +shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain +which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the +wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was +made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or +mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. + +FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks +without knowledge, of things without parallel. + +FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. + + Done to a turn on the iron, behold + Him who to be famous aspired. + Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, + And his twistings are greatly admired. + +Hassan Brubuddy + + +FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. + + A king there was who lost an eye + In some excess of passion; + And straight his courtiers all did try + To follow the new fashion. + + Each dropped one eyelid when before + The throne he ventured, thinking + 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore + He'd slay them all for winking. + + What should they do? They were not hot + To hazard such disaster; + They dared not close an eye -- dared not + See better than their master. + + Seeing them lacrymose and glum, + A leech consoled the weepers: + He spread small rags with liquid gum + And covered half their peepers. + + The court all wore the stuff, the flame + Of royal anger dying. + That's how court-plaster got its name + Unless I'm greatly lying. + +Naramy Oof + + +FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by +gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person +distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church +feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly +immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these +entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by +the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, +as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is +believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. +Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was +held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven. + +FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in +embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. + +FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. + + The Maker, at Creation's birth, + With living things had stocked the earth. + From elephants to bats and snails, + They all were good, for all were males. + But when the Devil came and saw + He said: "By Thine eternal law + Of growth, maturity, decay, + These all must quickly pass away + And leave untenanted the earth + Unless Thou dost establish birth" -- + Then tucked his head beneath his wing + To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing + With deviltry did so accord, + That he'd suggested to the Lord. + The Master pondered this advice, + Then shook and threw the fateful dice + Wherewith all matters here below + Are ordered, and observed the throw; + Then bent His head in awful state, + Confirming the decree of Fate. + From every part of earth anew + The conscious dust consenting flew, + While rivers from their courses rolled + To make it plastic for the mould. + Enough collected (but no more, + For niggard Nature hoards her store) + He kneaded it to flexible clay, + While Nick unseen threw some away. + And then the various forms He cast, + Gross organs first and finer last; + No one at once evolved, but all + By even touches grew and small + Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, + To match all living things He'd made + Females, complete in all their parts + Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. + "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed + I'll fetch the very hearts they need" -- + So flew away and soon brought back + The number needed, in a sack. + That night earth range with sounds of strife -- + Ten million males each had a wife; + That night sweet Peace her pinions spread + O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead! + +G.J. + + +FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest +approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. + + When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, + Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. + Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief + By proof that even himself was not a slave + To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave + Had been of all her servitors the chief + Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf + Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. + No, David served not Naked Truth when he + Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; + Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: + For reason shows that it could never be, + And the facts contradict him to his face. + Men are not liars all, for some are dead. + +Bartle Quinker + + +FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. + +FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a +horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. + + To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn + I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." + To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, + 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." + +Orm Pludge + + +FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. + +FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for +the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word +with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of +America's most precious discoveries and possessions. + +FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and +ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one +sees and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here." + +FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. + +FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another +party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, +who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our +partisan journals. + +FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by +Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various +literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and +general diet of the flies infesting the several countries. These +creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and +companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly +embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, +according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by +a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the +writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature -- that is to say, +the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and +critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked +right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which +comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in children +to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful +instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the +methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of +races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is +found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and +chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and +serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- _Musca maledicta_. +In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making +the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine +revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever +marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable +enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. +Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of +the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such +assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to +grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, +in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to +understand the important services that flies perform to literature it +is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a +saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit +brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the +duration of exposure. + +FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and +controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns +his life. + + Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once + In a thick volume, and all authors known, + If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, + Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts + Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, + To mend their lives and to sustain his own, + However feebly be his arrows thrown, + + Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. + All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, + With lusty lung, here on his western strand + With all thine offspring thronged from every land, + Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. + And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, + Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. + +Aramis Loto Frope + + +FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation +and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is +omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was +who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the +telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created +patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy, +law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican +government. He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as +creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang +upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the +procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the +set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening +meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal +grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of +eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human +civilization. + +FORCE, n. + + "Force is but might," the teacher said -- + "That definition's just." + The boy said naught but thought instead, + Remembering his pounded head: + "Force is not might but must!" + +FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two +malefactors. + +FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I +consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in +explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; +when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles +caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, +and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to +prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the +efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling these +awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the +mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing +to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly +refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter. + +FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation +for their destitution of conscience. + +FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead +animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this +purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many +advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether +reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of +these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking +proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. + +FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person -- a +method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately +permitted to lose his case. + + When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court + (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) + Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, + He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. + + "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; + "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." + So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: + He went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited. + +G.J. + + +FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds +lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval +times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in +this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent +an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity +of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you +master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the +officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must +e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this +act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master +the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too +great wealth." + +FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose +annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. + +FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half +dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political +condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual +monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is +not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a +living specimen of either. + + Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, + Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; + On every wind, indeed, that blows + I hear her yell. + + She screams whenever monarchs meet, + And parliaments as well, + To bind the chains about her feet + And toll her knell. + + And when the sovereign people cast + The votes they cannot spell, + Upon the pestilential blast + Her clamors swell. + + For all to whom the power's given + To sway or to compel, + Among themselves apportion Heaven + And give her Hell. + +Blary O'Gary + + +FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and +fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, +among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the +dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces +all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming +up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of +Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by +Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, +Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the +Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the +Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the +Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a Freemason. + +FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. +Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. + +FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but +only one in foul. + + The sea was calm and the sky was blue; + Merrily, merrily sailed we two. + (High barometer maketh glad.) + On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, + The tempest descended and we fell out. + (O the walking is nasty bad!) + +Armit Huff Bettle + + +FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in +profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and +the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the +work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has +set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain +frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was +besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, +who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, +that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the +programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good +voice but no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by +Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koax"; the +music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses +have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling +them to shine in a hurdle race. + +FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that +punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented +by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died +without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp +who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and +devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its +terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. +Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of +invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The +following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) +seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to +this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life +reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the +other side, rewarding its devotees: + + Old Nick was summoned to the skies. + Said Peter: "Your intentions + Are good, but you lack enterprise + Concerning new inventions. + + "Now, broiling in an ancient plan + Of torment, but I hear it + Reported that the frying-pan + Sears best the wicked spirit. + + "Go get one -- fill it up with fat -- + Fry sinners brown and good in't." + "I know a trick worth two o' that," + Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food in't." + +FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by +enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure +that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. + + The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse + To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. + Our friends expire -- we make the money fly + In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. + +Jex Wopley + + +FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our +friends are true and our happiness is assured. + + + +G + + + +GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which +the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the +gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. + + Whether on the gallows high + Or where blood flows the reddest, + The noblest place for man to die -- + Is where he died the deadest. + +(Old play) + + +GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval +buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some +personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was +especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures +generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery +of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean +and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others +substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the +new incumbents. + +GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out +of her stockings and desolating the country. + +GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was +rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble +by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. + +GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did +not particularly care to trace his own. + +GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. + + Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: + A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. + Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, + For dictionary makers are generally gents. + +G.J. + + +GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between +the outside of the world and the inside. + + Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, + Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, + In passing thence along the river Zam + To the adjacent village of Xelam, + Bewildered by the multitude of roads, + Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, + Then from exposure miserably died, + And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. + +Henry Haukhorn + + +GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless, +will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up +garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe +already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, +consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, +antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The +Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary +comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy +boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, +anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. + +GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. + + He saw a ghost. + It occupied -- that dismal thing! -- + The path that he was following. + Before he'd time to stop and fly, + An earthquake trifled with the eye + That saw a ghost. + He fell as fall the early good; + Unmoved that awful vision stood. + The stars that danced before his ken + He wildly brushed away, and then + He saw a post. + +Jared Macphester + + + Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions +somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much +afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such +tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of +my own experience. + There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost +never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his +habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not +only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is +nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile +fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, +what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the +apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost +in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and +get a convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith. + +GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring +the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of +controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of +comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place. In +1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened +it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with +many heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more +than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at +the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he +would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a +ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury +and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished +a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water +turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has +since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the +fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral +at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed +men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and +captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had +transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but was +nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous +popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so +affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself +in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. + +GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by +committing dyspepsia. + +GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the +interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral +treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough +in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw +them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig +Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and +Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a +Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these +statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as +1764. + +GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion +between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not +go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin +of the fusion managers. + +GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state +resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is +something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. + + A hunter from Kew caught a distant view + Of a peacefully meditative gnu, + And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue + In its blood at a closer interview." + But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw + O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; + And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew + Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew + That really meritorious gnu." + +Jarn Leffer + + +GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. +Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. + +GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some +occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various +degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, +so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person +called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript +of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as +discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found +to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be +very great geese indeed. + +GORGON, n. + + The Gorgon was a maiden bold + Who turned to stone the Greeks of old + That looked upon her awful brow. + We dig them out of ruins now, + And swear that workmanship so bad + Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. + +GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. + +GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, +who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no +expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and +dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to +be blowing. + +GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet +for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to +distinction. + +GRAPE, n. + + Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung, + Anacreon and Khayyam; + Thy praise is ever on the tongue + Of better men than I am. + + The lyre in my hand has never swept, + The song I cannot offer: + My humbler service pray accept -- + I'll help to kill the scoffer. + The water-drinkers and the cranks + Who load their skins with liquor -- + I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks + And tap them with my sticker. + + Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools + When e'er we let the wine rest. + Here's death to Prohibition's fools, + And every kind of vine-pest! + +Jamrach Holobom + + +GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to +the demands of American Socialism. + +GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of +the medical student. + + Beside a lonely grave I stood -- + With brambles 'twas encumbered; + The winds were moaning in the wood, + Unheard by him who slumbered, + + A rustic standing near, I said: + "He cannot hear it blowing!" + "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead -- + He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." + + "Too true," I said; "alas, too true -- + No sound his sense can quicken!" + "Well, mister, wot is that to you? -- + The deadster ain't a-kickin'." + + I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile + On him, and mercy show him!" + That countryman looked on the while, + And said: "Ye didn't know him." + +Pobeter Dunko + + +GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another +with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain -- +the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength +of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and +edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, +makes B the proof of A. + +GREAT, adj. + + "I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign + The monarch of the wood and plain!" + + The Elephant replied: "I'm great -- + No quadruped can match my weight!" + + "I'm great -- no animal has half + So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. + + "I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see + My femoral muscularity!" + + The 'Possum said: "I'm great -- behold, + My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" + + An Oyster fried was understood + To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" + + Each reckons greatness to consist + In that in which he heads the list, + + And Vierick thinks he tops his class + Because he is the greatest ass. + +Arion Spurl Doke + + +GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders +with good reason. + In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the +learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture +-- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles +and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head inside +the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an +authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and +enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c. XI) +the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a +theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I +have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired +by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity. + +GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the +settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left +unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to +the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it +was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion +seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, +it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of +Agriculture. + Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event +that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of +Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of +the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented +him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the +_Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial +value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was +instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with +soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line +of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look +backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a +lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the +earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary +saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and +fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, +then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself +thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators +along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak +prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, +and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" +cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading +line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," +said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again +centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of +Washington." + + + +H + + + +HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when +confined for the wrong crime. + +HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. + +HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the +place where the dead live. + Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our +Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in +a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves +were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. +When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of +evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a +majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a +conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record +and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the +next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly +sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, +somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good +prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the +means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and +immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. + +HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes +called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were +called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind +of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that +peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time +hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, +all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not +now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is +reserved for the use of her grandchildren. + +HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or +considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion +arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience +could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father +Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would +demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and +unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the +body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the +negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a +viper. + +HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, +but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a +somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and +saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture +in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred +as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, +or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a +pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the +nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly +decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his +unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. + +HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and +commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. + +HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various +ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals +to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent +invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties +to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of +"Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, +as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails +in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. + +HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest +dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a +populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States +his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, +where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the +first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the +expediency of hanging Jerseymen. + +HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the +misery of another. + +HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- +outang. + +HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed +to the fury of the customs. + +HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from +Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for +the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. + +HASH, x. There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what +hash is. + +HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. + + "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, + For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. + The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, + With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. + +John Lukkus + + +HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's +superiority. + +HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. + + In ancient times there lived a king + Whose tax-collectors could not wring + From all his subjects gold enough + To make the royal way less rough. + For pleasure's highway, like the dames + Whose premises adjoin it, claims + Perpetual repairing. So + The tax-collectors in a row + Appeared before the throne to pray + Their master to devise some way + To swell the revenue. "So great," + Said they, "are the demands of state + A tithe of all that we collect + Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: + How, if one-tenth we must resign, + Can we exist on t'other nine?" + The monarch asked them in reply: + "Has it occurred to you to try + The advantage of economy?" + "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold + All of our gray garrotes of gold; + With plated-ware we now compress + The necks of those whom we assess. + Plain iron forceps we employ + To mitigate the miser's joy + Who hoards, with greed that never tires, + That which your Majesty requires." + Deep lines of thought were seen to plow + Their way across the royal brow. + "Your state is desperate, no question; + Pray favor me with a suggestion." + "O King of Men," the spokesman said, + "If you'll impose upon each head + A tax, the augmented revenue + We'll cheerfully divide with you." + As flashes of the sun illume + The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, + The king smiled grimly. "I decree + That it be so -- and, not to be + In generosity outdone, + Declare you, each and every one, + Exempted from the operation + Of this new law of capitation. + But lest the people censure me + Because they're bound and you are free, + 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid + By you this poll-tax to evade. + I'll leave you now while you confer + With my most trusted minister." + The monarch from the throne-room walked + And straightway in among them stalked + A silent man, with brow concealed, + Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed! + +G.J. + + +HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. + +HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this +useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments -- a +very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once +universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions +reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of +the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a +feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from +which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a +caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a +pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a +hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh +of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M. +Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, +my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and +Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.) In a +scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John +Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a +striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's +famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_. + +HEAT, n. + + Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode + Of motion, but I know now how he's proving + His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed + With skill will set the human fist a-moving, + And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. + _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child. + +Gorton Swope + + +HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship +something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, +of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. + + "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's + A Christian philosopher. I'm + A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, + Addicted too much to the crime + Of religious discussion in my rhyme. + + Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree + On a _modus vivendi_ -- not they! -- + Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, + And I haven't been reared in a way + To joy in the thick of the fray. + + For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, + And the truth of it I aver: + Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, + And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er -- + And I'm down upon him or her! + + Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin + Toleration -- that's all very well, + But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, + And he's running -- I know by the smell -- + A secret and personal Hell! + +Bissell Gip + + +HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with +talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention +while you expound your own. + +HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an +altogether superior creation. + +HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. + + "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" + Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin' + She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- + For it's naught ye are ever doin'." + + "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, + And no sign of contrition envices; + "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, + For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" + +Marley Wottel + + +HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of +neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open +air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. + +HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. + +HERS, pron. His. + +HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. +There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of +various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the +whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is +admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean +that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four +centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that +swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their +brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently +been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness of +the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation +of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent +is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to +which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was +strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not +wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. + +HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half +griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and +half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter +eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of +zoology is full of surprises. + +HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. + +HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, +which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly +fools. + + Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown + 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, + Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, + Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. + +Salder Bupp + + +HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and +serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, +the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for +the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster +that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been +known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of +this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not +discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance. + +HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. + +HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and +Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly +inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they +can not. + +HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are +four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and +praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain +whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for +advantage of the lawyers. + +HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual +needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. + + So skilled the parson was in homiletics + That all his normal purges and emetics + To medicine the spirit were compounded + With a most just discrimination founded + Upon a rigorous examination + Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. + Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, + His scriptural specifics this physician + Administered -- his pills so efficacious + And pukes of disposition so vivacious + That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam + Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. + But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered + Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered + That in the case of patients having money + The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. + +_Biography of Bishop Potter_ + + +HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In +legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as +honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." + +HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. + + Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- + Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; + When even his dog deserts him, and his goat + With tranquil disaffection chews his coat + While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, + The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, + Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint + The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. + +Fogarty Weffing + + +HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain +persons who are not in need of food and lodging. + +HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the +earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and +passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female +friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. + +HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make +things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence +marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a +soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient +esteem. + +HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, +mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. +_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal +service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. +_House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. +_House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult +persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. _House-maid_, a +youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously +disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has +pleased God to place her. + +HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. + +HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. + + Twaddle had a hovel, + Twiddle had a palace; + Twaddle said: "I'll grovel + Or he'll think I bear him malice" -- + A sentiment as novel + As a castor on a chalice. + + Down upon the middle + Of his legs fell Twaddle + And astonished Mr. Twiddle, + Who began to lift his noddle. + Feed upon the fiddle- + Faddle flummery, unswaddle + A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.] + +G.J. + + +HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the +anthropoid poets. + +HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar +austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with +his best wishes, cat-quick. + + Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind + See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined -- + Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, + His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. + He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, + A graceful hog would bear his company. + +Alexander Poke + + +HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now +generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is +still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain +old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of +the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's +usefulness has outlasted it. + +HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers. + +HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the +plate. + +HYBRID, n. A pooled issue. + +HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many +heads. + +HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its +habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the +medical student does that. + +HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. + + Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot + Where long the village rubbish had been shot + Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -- + "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. + +Bogul S. Purvy + + +HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues that he does not respect +secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. + + + +I + + + +I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, +the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In +grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its +plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself +is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this +incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but +fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer +from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to +cloak his loot. + +ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of +blood. + + Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, + Restrained the raging chief and said: + "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- + Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" + +Mary Doke + + +ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are +imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest +that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but +pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of +those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the +iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; +and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress +the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." + +IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in +human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's +activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, +but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in +everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and +opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes +conduct with a dead-line. + +IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of +new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. + +IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge +familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know +nothing about. + + Dumble was an ignoramus, + Mumble was for learning famous. + Mumble said one day to Dumble: + "Ignorance should be more humble. + Not a spark have you of knowledge + That was got in any college." + Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly + You're self-satisfied unduly. + Of things in college I'm denied + A knowledge -- you of all beside." + +Borelli + + +ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the +sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -- +_cunctationes illuminati_. + +ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and +detraction. + +IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint +ownership. + +IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting +censorious critics of this dictionary. + +IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better +than another. + +IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with +a feeble conception of worth in others. + + There was once a man in Ispahan + Ever and ever so long ago, + And he had a head, the phrenologists said, + That fitted him for a show. + + For his modesty's bump was so large a lump + (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) + That its summit stood far above the wood + Of his hair, like a mountain peak. + + So modest a man in all Ispahan, + Over and over again they swore -- + So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; + None ever was found before. + + Meantime the hump of that awful bump + Into the heavens contrived to get + To so great a height that they called the wight + The man with the minaret. + + There wasn't a man in all Ispahan + Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: + With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung + He bragged of that beautiful bump + + Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page + Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, + And that gentle child explained as he smiled: + "A little present for you." + + The saddest man in all Ispahan, + Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. + "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility + Had given me deathless fame!" + +Sukker Uffro + + +IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard +to the greater number of instances men find to be generally +inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's +notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of +expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other +way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and +nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is a +lie and reason a disorder of the mind. + +IMMORTALITY, n. + + A toy which people cry for, + And on their knees apply for, + Dispute, contend and lie for, + And if allowed + Would be right proud + Eternally to die for. + +G.J. + + +IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains +fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, +properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the +body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common +mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is +still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the +beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in +"churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole +of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as +"riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in +Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for +crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded +for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of +sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must +be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious +dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he +would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in +the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. + +IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage +from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two +conflicting opinions. + +IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between +sin and punishment. + +IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. + +IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on +of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but +performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. + + "Lo! by the laying on of hands," + Say parson, priest and dervise, + "We consecrate your cash and lands + To ecclesiastical service. + No doubt you'll swear till all is blue + At such an imposition. Do." + +Pollo Doncas + + +IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. + +IMPROBABILITY, n. + + His tale he told with a solemn face + And a tender, melancholy grace. + Improbable 'twas, no doubt, + When you came to think it out, + But the fascinated crowd + Their deep surprise avowed + And all with a single voice averred + 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- + All save one who spake never a word, + But sat as mum + As if deaf and dumb, + Serene, indifferent and unstirred. + Then all the others turned to him + And scrutinized him limb from limb -- + Scanned him alive; + But he seemed to thrive + And tranquiler grow each minute, + As if there were nothing in it. + "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed + At what our friend has told?" He raised + Soberly then his eyes and gazed + In a natural way + And proceeded to say, + As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: + "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself." + +IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues +of to-morrow. + +IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. + +INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain +kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be +entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of +proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible +because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for +examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, +commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay +evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis +than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the +Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long +dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known +to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they +now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its +support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be +proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was +such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria. + +But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily +be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were +a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which +certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a +flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it +were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was +ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery +for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human +testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. + +INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being +unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any +important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state +prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite +and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the +flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_. +Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided +that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or +"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the +Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities +were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." + + A Roman slave appeared one day + Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, + If --" here the Augur, smiling, made + A checking gesture and displayed + His open palm, which plainly itched, + For visibly its surface twitched. + A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel) + Successfully allayed the tickle, + And then the slave proceeded: "Please + Inform me whether Fate decrees + Success or failure in what I + To-night (if it be dark) shall try. + Its nature? Never mind -- I think + 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink + Which darkened half the earth, he drew + Another denarius to view, + Its shining face attentive scanned, + Then slipped it into the good man's hand, + Who with great gravity said: "Wait + While I retire to question Fate." + That holy person then withdrew + His scared clay and, passing through + The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" + Waving his robe of office. Straight + Each sacred peacock and its mate + (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled + With clamor from the trees o'erhead, + Where they were perching for the night. + The temple's roof received their flight, + For thither they would always go, + When danger threatened them below. + Back to the slave the Augur went: + "My son, forecasting the event + By flight of birds, I must confess + The auspices deny success." + That slave retired, a sadder man, + Abandoning his secret plan -- + Which was (as well the craft seer + Had from the first divined) to clear + The wall and fraudulently seize + On Juno's poultry in the trees. + +G.J. + + +INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of +respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, +arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the +play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in +whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant- +stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own +subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and +all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but +to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be +rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and +their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the +lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who +bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, +being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily +accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and +rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." + +INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly +the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a +meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been +known to wear a moustache. + +INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two +things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for +one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and +God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only +incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel +yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are +incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and in +stately courtesy are altogether superior. + +INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though +probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best +nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including +_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus +(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be +out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public +schools. + Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself -- +tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless -- +sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm +of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, +generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to +learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from +their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns; +but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the +test. + +INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. + +INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir +Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to +do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it +followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many +chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear +and satisfactory exposition on the matter. + "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain +occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five +minutes to make up your mind in." + "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great +thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt +whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a +copper." + "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" + "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I +disobeyed the coin." + +INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. + + "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, + "You've grown indifferent to all in life." + "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; + "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." + +Apuleius M. Gokul + + +INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends +frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the +salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put +it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no +pray; big bellyache, heap God." + +INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman. + +INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests. + +INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, +"Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon +afterward. + +INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for +propitiation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the +pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual +needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor +might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising +materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of +Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an +audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically +recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, +giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down +to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the +point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled +the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine +mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back +further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court +of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption +in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the +matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow. + +INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian +religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of +scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, +divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, +voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, +missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, +muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, +primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, +clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, +preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, +bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, +deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, +hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, +postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, +reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, +mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, +sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, +prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and +pumpums. + +INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a +substantial _quid_. + +INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have +sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the +Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed +from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called +Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity +of their views about Adam. + + Two theologues once, as they wended their way + To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray -- + An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, + Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. + "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord + Decreed he should fall of his own accord." + "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained, + "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." + So fierce and so fiery grew the debate + That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; + So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground + And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. + Ere either had proved his theology right + By winning, or even beginning, the fight, + A gray old professor of Latin came by, + A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, + And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still + As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill + Of foreordination freedom of will) + Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: + Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. + The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear + Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. + _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! -- + Should only contend that Adam slipped down; + While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! -- + Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. + It's all the same whether up or down + You slip on a peel of banana brown. + Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, + But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder! + +G.J. + + +INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise +an object of charity. + + "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," + The good philanthropist replied; + "I did great service to a man one day + Who never since has cursed me to repay, + Nor vilified." + + "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- + With veneration I am overcome, + And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate -- + He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state + This man is dumb." + +Ariel Selp + + +INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. + +INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others +and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the +back. + +INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and +water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote +intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and +contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to +blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and +acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an +edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal +quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have +established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others +to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid +to get in pays twice as much to get out. + +INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say, +ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to +us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths +of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible +to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it +"a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in +one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's +country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance +of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's +diseases. + +IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent +investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute +observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the +mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our +important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds +that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms +the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points +confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. +Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by +believing both. + +INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are +of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame +of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of +his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the +name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following +are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) + + "In the sky my soul is found, + And my body in the ground. + By and by my body'll rise + To my spirit in the skies, + Soaring up to Heaven's gate. + 1878." + + "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, +aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous." + + "Affliction sore long time she boar, + Phisicians was in vain, + Till Deth released the dear deceased + And left her a remain. + Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." + + "The clay that rests beneath this stone + As Silas Wood was widely known. + Now, lying here, I ask what good + It was to let me be S. Wood. + O Man, let not ambition trouble you, + Is the advice of Silas W." + + "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had +the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." + +INSECTIVORA, n. + + "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, + "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" + "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: + For us He has provided wrens and swallows." + +Sempen Railey + + +INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player +is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating +the man who keeps the table. + + INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me + insure it. + HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so + low that by the time when, according to the tables of your + actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have + paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. + INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. + We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. + HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can _I_ afford _that_? + INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. + There was Smith's house, for example, which -- + HOUSE OWNER: Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the + contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which -- + INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_! + HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay + you money on the supposition that something will occur + previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In + other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last + so long as you say that it will probably last. + INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it + will be a total loss. + HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I + shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I + would otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than the + face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to + burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are + based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were + insured? + INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our + luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your + loss. + HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their + losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before + they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case + stands this way: you expect to take more money from your + clients than you pay to them, do you not? + INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not -- + HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well + then. If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body of + your clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_, + with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will. It is + these individual probabilities that make the aggregate + certainty. + INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it -- but look at the figures in + this pamph -- + HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid! + INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would + otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander + them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. + HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is + not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you + command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a + Deserving Object. + +INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure +to substitute misrule for bad government. + +INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of +influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, +immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. + +INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to +understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to +the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. + +INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is +governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment +of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most +unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm +again. + +INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for +their mutual destruction. + + Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue + And one in white, together drew + And having each a pleasant sense + Of t'other powder's excellence, + Forsook their jackets for the snug + Enjoyment of a common mug. + So close their intimacy grew + One paper would have held the two. + To confidences straight they fell, + Less anxious each to hear than tell; + Then each remorsefully confessed + To all the virtues he possessed, + Acknowledging he had them in + So high degree it was a sin. + The more they said, the more they felt + Their spirits with emotion melt, + Till tears of sentiment expressed + Their feelings. Then they effervesced! + So Nature executes her feats + Of wrath on friends and sympathetes + The good old rule who don't apply, + That you are you and I am I. + +INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the +gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The +introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, +being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every +American being the equal of every other American, it follows that +everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the +right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of +Independence should have read thus: + + "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are + created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain + inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to + make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an + incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the + liberty to introduce persons to one another without first + ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and + the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of + strangers." + +INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, +levers and springs, and believes it civilization. + +IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. + +ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. + + + +J + + + +J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel -- +than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has +been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and +it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, +_jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the +dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as +expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of +Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of +three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the +j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. + +JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which +can be lost only if not worth keeping. + +JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose +business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and +utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The +king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some +centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were +sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of +all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and +romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise +and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the +court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same +jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the +patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. + + The widow-queen of Portugal + Had an audacious jester + Who entered the confessional + Disguised, and there confessed her. + + "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down -- + My sins are more than scarlet: + I love my fool -- blaspheming clown, + And common, base-born varlet." + + "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, + "That sin, indeed, is awful: + The church's pardon is denied + To love that is unlawful. + "But since thy stubborn heart will be + For him forever pleading, + Thou'dst better make him, by decree, + A man of birth and breeding." + + She made the fool a duke, in hope + With Heaven's taboo to palter; + Then told a priest, who told the Pope, + Who damned her from the altar! + +Barel Dort + + +JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with +the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. + +JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan +tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. + +JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition +the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes +and personal service. + + + +K + + + + +K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced +away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation +inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called +_Klatch_, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was +originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker +explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the +destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_ +730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its +portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other +remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to +have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great +antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural -- not to say +touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. +It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional +mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one +of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no +objection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on +that side of the question. + +KEEP, v.t. + + He willed away his whole estate, + And then in death he fell asleep, + Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, + My name unblemished I shall keep." + But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought + Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught. + +Durang Gophel Arn + + +KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. + +KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and +Americans in Scotland. + +KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. + +KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," +although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. + + A king, in times long, long gone by, + Said to his lazy jester: + "If I were you and you were I + My moments merrily would fly -- + Nor care nor grief to pester." + + "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," + The fool said -- "if you'll hear it -- + Is that of all the fools alive + Who own you for their sovereign, I've + The most forgiving spirit." + +Oogum Bem + + +KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the +sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus 'the +most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the +ailing subjects and make them whole -- + + a crowd of wretched souls + That stay his cure: their malady convinces + The great essay of art; but at his touch, + Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, + They presently amend, + +as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This useful property of the +royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown +properties; for according to "Malcolm," + + 'tis spoken + To the succeeding royalty he leaves + The healing benediction. + + But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the +later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the +disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler +one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow. The date and author of the +following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but +it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national +disorder is not a thing of yesterday. + + Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, + Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. + He layde his hand on mine and sayd: + "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. + But O ye wofull plyght in wh. + I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche! + + The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is +dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of +custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and +shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great +dignitary bestows his healing salutation on + + strangely visited people, + All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, + The mere despair of surgery, + +he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once +was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of +men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which brings +the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms." + +KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is +supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony +appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its +performance is unknown to this lexicographer. + +KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. + +KNIGHT, n. + + Once a warrior gentle of birth, + Then a person of civic worth, + Now a fellow to move our mirth. + Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more: + We must knight our dogs to get any lower. + Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, + Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, + Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, + Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. + God speed the day when this knighting fad + Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. + +KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been +written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a +wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. + + + +L + + + +LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. + +LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The +theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control +is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the +superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some +have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own +implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass +are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that +if the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there will +be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to +exist. + + A life on the ocean wave, + A home on the rolling deep, + For the spark the nature gave + I have there the right to keep. + + They give me the cat-o'-nine + Whenever I go ashore. + Then ho! for the flashing brine -- + I'm a natural commodore! + +Dodle + + +LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding +another's treasure. + +LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest +of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. +The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the +serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as +one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human +intelligence over brute inertia. + +LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system -- an +admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly +useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and +heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, +imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's +substantial welfare. + +LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as +opportunity to the maker of puns. + + Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, + Where the cobbler is unknown, + So that I might forget his last + And hear your own. + +Gargo Repsky + + +LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the +features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious +and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter +is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals -- +these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, +but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in +bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to +animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has +not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that +the infection character of laughter is due to the instantaneous +fermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he +names the disorder _Convulsio spargens_. + +LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the +Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as +dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal +funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had +the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and +cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense +which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the +aspect of a national crime. + +LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and +formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as +had influence at court. (_Vide supra._) + +LAW, n. + + Once Law was sitting on the bench, + And Mercy knelt a-weeping. + "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! + Nor come before me creeping. + Upon your knees if you appear, + 'Tis plain your have no standing here." + + Then Justice came. His Honor cried: + "_Your_ status? -- devil seize you!" + "_Amica curiae,_" she replied -- + "Friend of the court, so please you." + "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door -- + I never saw your face before!" + +G.J. + + +LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. + +LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. + +LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. + +LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to +light lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but other +men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an +argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong +way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international +controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is +precipitated in great quantities. + + Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great + And universal arbiter; endowed + With penetration to pierce any cloud + Fogging the field of controversial hate, + And with a sift, inevitable, straight, + Searching precision find the unavowed + But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed + By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. + O useful metal! -- were it not for thee + We'd grapple one another's ears alway: + But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee + We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." + And when the quick have run away like pellets + Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. + +LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. + +LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear +and his faith in your patience. + +LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of +tears. + +LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in +which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as +in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: + + The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. + Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" + + It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to +teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses +are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to +find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a +rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. + +LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says that +pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the +good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man +has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the +appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being +reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire +comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to +shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to +the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, +salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with +sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an +intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song." + +LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some +suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished +ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with +considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus +Polandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria pseudo-hirsuta_. For an +exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous +monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_. + +LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of +recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does +what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and +mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his +dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas +his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural +servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial +power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a +chronicle as if it were a statue. Let the dictionary (for example) +mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men +thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however +desirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the process of +impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, +recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow +at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has +no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" +-- although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven +forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in the +dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when +from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own +meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a +Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end +and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy +preservation -- sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion -- the +lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which +his Creator had not created him to create. + + God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," + And lexicographers arose, a swarm! + Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, + And catalogued each garment in a book. + Now, from her leafy covert when she cries: + "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise + And scan the list, and say without compassion: + "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion." + +Sigismund Smith + + +LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. + +LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. + + The rising People, hot and out of breath, + Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" + "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; + You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." + +Martha Braymance + + +LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing +a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the +blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the +lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the +latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling +is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a +confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and +the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will +cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. + +LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live +in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. +The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; +particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written +at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of +the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of +successful controversy. + + "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," + Carelessly caroled the golden youth. + In manhood still he maintained that view + And held it more strongly the older he grew. + When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, + "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. + +Han Soper + + +LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the +government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. + +LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. + + 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, + And the salesman laced them tight + To a very remarkable height -- + Higher, indeed, than I think he ought -- + Higher than _can_ be right. + For the Bible declares -- but never mind: + It is hardly fit + To censure freely and fault to find + With others for sins that I'm not inclined + Myself to commit. + Each has his weakness, and though my own + Is freedom from every sin, + It still were unfair to pitch in, + Discharging the first censorious stone. + Besides, the truth compels me to say, + The boots in question were _made_ that way. + As he drew the lace she made a grimace, + And blushingly said to him: + "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, + It hurts my -- hurts my -- limb." + The salesman smiled in a manner mild, + Like an artless, undesigning child; + Then, checking himself, to his face he gave + A look as sorrowful as the grave, + Though he didn't care two figs + For her paints and throes, + As he stroked her toes, + Remarking with speech and manner just + Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust + That it doesn't hurt your twigs." + +B. Percival Dike + + +LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, +entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman. + +LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of +retaining his bones. + +LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of +as a sausage. + +LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be +bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary +anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to +infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side +of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time +considered the seat of life; hence its name -- liver, the thing we +live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it +that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_. + +LL.D. Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one +learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast +upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._, +and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At +the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the +expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old +D.D. -- _Damnator Diaboli_. The new honor will be known as _Sanctorum +Custus_, and written _$$c_. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been +suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who +points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the +advantage of a degree. + +LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and +enlightenment. + +LODGER, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that +delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. + +LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with +the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The +basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor +premise and a conclusion -- thus: + _Major Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as +quickly as one man. + _Minor Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; +therefore -- + _Conclusion_: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. + This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by +combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are +twice blessed. + +LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds +punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest in +which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is +denied the reward of success. + + 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men + That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. + Alas! we cannot know if this is true, + For reading Milton's wit we perish too. + +LONGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance +while maturing a plan of revenge. + +LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. + +LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting +show for man's disillusion given. + The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso +looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain +courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby +enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: +"Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of +thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, +prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign +countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of +the Universe!" + Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be +conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither +without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but +idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with +cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the +glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, +he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and +that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this +was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his +image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody +bandage on one of its hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all who +had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught +wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the +mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with +justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while +on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure +of an angel, which remains to this day. + +LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb +his tongue when you wish to talk. + +LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a +costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The +traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry +Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, +as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather +flattery than true reverence. + + Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, + Wedded a wandering English lord -- + Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," + A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. + Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare + Unworthy the father-in-legal care + Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth + That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; + For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage + Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. + Among them, cupidity caused him to urge + Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, + Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw + Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, + And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, + To the business of being a lord himself. + His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed + And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; + Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear + A whisker that looked like a blasted career. + He painted his neck an incarnadine hue + Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. + The moony monocular set in his eye + Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. + His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, + And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. + In speech he eschewed his American ways, + Denying his nose to the use of his A's + And dulling their edge till the delicate sense + Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. + His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly sweet, + The patter they made as they fell at his feet! + Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear + Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. + Alas, the Divinity shaping his end + Entertained other views and decided to send + His lordship in horror, despair and dismay + From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. + For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde + Fell -- suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad! + +G.J. + + +LORE, n. Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived from +a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult +books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore +and embraces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's +_Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of these +traced backward, through various people son converging lines, toward a +common origin in remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of +"Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little +Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The +Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The +fable with Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl- +King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the +Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths +is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." + +LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the +latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his +election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost +his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the +word is used in the famous epitaph: + + Here Huntington's ashes long have lain + Whose loss is our eternal gain, + For while he exercised all his powers + Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. + +LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of +the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. +This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only +among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous +nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from +its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the +physician than to the patient. + +LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. + +LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not +writing about it. + +LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from +Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been +described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much +agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity +with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill +tribes of Vermont. + +LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a +figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following +fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: + + I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, + And pick with care the disobedient wire. + That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook + With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. + I bide my time, and it shall come at length, + When, with a Titan's energy and strength, + I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, + The word shall suffer when I let them go! + +Farquharson Harris + + + + +M + + + +MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a +heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from +dissent. + +MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling +one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. + + So plain the advantages of machination + It constitutes a moral obligation, + And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing + Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. + So prospers still the diplomatic art, + And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. + +R.S.K. + + +MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. +History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old +Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A +Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he +had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. +Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he +could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a +linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five +hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie. +There are instances of longevity (_macrobiosis_) in our own country. +Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of +_The American_, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes +back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The +President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the +friends of his youth have risen to high political and military +preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses +following were written by a macrobian: + + When I was young the world was fair + And amiable and sunny. + A brightness was in all the air, + In all the waters, honey. + The jokes were fine and funny, + The statesmen honest in their views, + And in their lives, as well, + And when you heard a bit of news + 'Twas true enough to tell. + Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking, + Nor women "generally speaking." + + The Summer then was long indeed: + It lasted one whole season! + The sparkling Winter gave no heed + When ordered by Unreason + To bring the early peas on. + Now, where the dickens is the sense + In calling that a year + Which does no more than just commence + Before the end is near? + When I was young the year extended + From month to month until it ended. + I know not why the world has changed + To something dark and dreary, + And everything is now arranged + To make a fellow weary. + The Weather Man -- I fear he + Has much to do with it, for, sure, + The air is not the same: + It chokes you when it is impure, + When pure it makes you lame. + With windows closed you are asthmatic; + Open, neuralgic or sciatic. + + Well, I suppose this new regime + Of dun degeneration + Seems eviler than it would seem + To a better observation, + And has for compensation + Some blessings in a deep disguise + Which mortal sight has failed + To pierce, although to angels' eyes + They're visible unveiled. + If Age is such a boon, good land! + He's costumed by a master hand! + +Venable Strigg + + +MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; +not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by +the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; +in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad +by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For +illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no +firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any +madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead +of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he +may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum +and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many +thoughtless spectators. + +MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found +out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary +of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by +St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of +Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is +pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly +sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for +Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of +revisers. + +MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are +other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet +lexicographer does not name them. + +MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. + +MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. + The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the +works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the +subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of +human knowledge. + +MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to +which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, +or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. + +MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is +large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased +in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was +before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be +larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the +relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the +astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. +For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a +small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life- +fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures +peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper +emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these +to another. + +MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone +that it might be taught to talk. + +MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless +conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide +geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored +wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, +nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though +in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with +regard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field +by the canary -- which, also, is more portable. + + A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang -- + This quaint, sweet song sang she; + "It's O for a youth with a football bang + And a muscle fair to see! + The Captain he + Of a team to be! + On the gridiron he shall shine, + A monarch by right divine, + And never to roast on it -- me!" + +Opoline Jones + + +MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just +contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great +Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders +of republican America. + +MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male +of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The +genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. + +MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. + +MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus +believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could +not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the +Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers +have been of the same way of thinking. + +MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a +state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened +put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. + +MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple +is in the holy city of New York. + + He swore that all other religions were gammon, + And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. + +Jared Oopf + + +MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he +thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His +chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own +species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to +infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. + + When the world was young and Man was new, + And everything was pleasant, + Distinctions Nature never drew + 'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. + We're not that way at present, + Save here in this Republic, where + We have that old regime, + For all are kings, however bare + Their backs, howe'er extreme + Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice + To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. + + A citizen who would not vote, + And, therefore, was detested, + Was one day with a tarry coat + (With feathers backed and breasted) + By patriots invested. + "It is your duty," cried the crowd, + "Your ballot true to cast + For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, + And explained his wicked past: + "That's what I very gladly would have done, + Dear patriots, but he has never run." + +Apperton Duke + + +MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in +a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had +exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been +particularly happy afterward. + +MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare +between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians +joined the victorious Opposition. + +MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the +wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled +down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies +of the original occupants. + +MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a +master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. + +MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a +desired death. + +MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an +imaginary one. Important. + + Material things I know, or fell, or see; + All else is immaterial to me. + +Jamrach Holobom + + +MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich. + +MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a +state religion. + +ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in +English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the +oppressive. Each is all three. + +MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the +ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of +Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing +when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. + +MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, +attainments or services more or less authentic. + It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for +gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of +the medal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." And sometimes he +didn't. + +MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway. + +MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth +while. + + M is for Moses, + Who slew the Egyptian. + As sweet as a rose is + The meekness of Moses. + No monument shows his + Post-mortem inscription, + But M is for Moses + Who slew the Egyptian. + +_The Biographical Alphabet_ + +MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed +to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in +coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen +engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been +disclosed by the manufacturers. + + There was a youth (you've heard before, + This woeful tale, may be), + Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore + That color it would he! + + He shut himself from the world away, + Nor any soul he saw. + He smoke by night, he smoked by day, + As hard as he could draw. + + His dog died moaning in the wrath + Of winds that blew aloof; + The weeds were in the gravel path, + The owl was on the roof. + + "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," + The neighbors sadly say. + And so they batter in the door + To take his goods away. + + Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, + Nut-brown in face and limb. + "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, + "But it has colored him!" + + The moral there's small need to sing -- + 'Tis plain as day to you: + Don't play your game on any thing + That is a gamester too. + +Martin Bulstrode + + +MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. + +MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial +pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. + +MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. + +MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage +and asked Incredulity to dinner. + +METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. + +MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be +screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. + +MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its +chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, +the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing +but itself to know itself with. From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown +to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor +over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_," +emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's +conscia recti." + +MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. + +MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. +In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible +embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification +is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. + +MINOR, adj. Less objectionable. + +MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with +a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can +bear. + +MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and +unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with +four aces and a king. + +MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. +Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present +signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to +the development of our language. + +MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a +felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal +society. + + By misdemeanors he essays to climb + Into the aristocracy of crime. + O, woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand + "Captains of industry" refused his hand, + "Kings of finance" denied him recognition + And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. + He robbed a bank to make himself respected. + They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. + +S.V. Hanipur + + +MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the +foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. + +MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. + +MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate +that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are +the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound +and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In +the general abolition of social titles in this our country they +miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be +consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest +Mush, abbreviated to Mh. + +MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is +distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit +of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, +indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the +structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the +atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of +precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the +condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific +thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the +molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth +theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more +about the matter than the others. + +MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See +_Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to +be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without +manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of +considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which +the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentleman. +Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities +needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class +-- altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be +confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern +him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct +species. + +MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch +ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects +have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has +still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the +disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political +administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being +somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his +own head. + +MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government. + +MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. + +MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we +part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite +society. Supportable property. + +MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in +genealogical trees. + +MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary +babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound +by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon -- that is +to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable +of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. + + The man who writes in Saxon + Is the man to use an ax on + +Judibras + + +MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of +our religion overlooked the advantages. + +MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which +either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. + + The bones of Agammemnon are a show, + And ruined is his royal monument, + +but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The +monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments "to the +unknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of +those who have left no memory. + +MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. +Having the quality of general expediency. + + It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on +one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other +syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much +conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act +as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. + +_Gooke's Meditations_ + + +MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. + +MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in +Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in +Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female +heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only +Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs +met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even +attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by +declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, +some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from +lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of +the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths +lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical +figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to a +lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue. + +MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in +New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell +muskeeter. + +MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of +the heart. + +MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted +to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. + +MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. + +MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In +a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a multitude +of counsellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of +equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be +that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting +together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere -- as well say +that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains +composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey +him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. + +MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern +civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with +an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the +vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower +animals. + + By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, + Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. + We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, + Distil him for physic and grind him for paint, + Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame, + And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. + O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme: + For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? + +Scopas Brune + + +MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English +society, the American wife of an English nobleman. + +MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles -- particularly when he didn't +lead. + +MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its +origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished +from the true accounts which it invents later. + + + +N + + + +NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The +secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe +that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. + + Juno drank a cup of nectar, + But the draught did not affect her. + Juno drank a cup of rye -- + Then she bad herself good-bye. + +J.G. + + +NEGRO, n. The _piece de resistance_ in the American political +problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to +build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, +appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. + +NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who +does all he knows how to make us disobedient. + +NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of +the party. + +NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented +by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but +was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so +far as to be able to say when. + +NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but +Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. + +NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable +annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to +understand it. + +NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious +to incur social distinction and suffer high life. + +NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief +product and authenticating sign of civilization. + +NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To +put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting +of the opposition. + +NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of +private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public +office. + +NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker. + +NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent +dictionary. + +NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that +great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the +age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed +that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of +others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that +the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. + + There's a man with a Nose, + And wherever he goes + The people run from him and shout: + "No cotton have we + For our ears if so be + He blow that interminous snout!" + + So the lawyers applied + For injunction. "Denied," + Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, + Whate'er it portend, + Appears to transcend + The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." + +Arpad Singiny + + +NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The +kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A +Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending +and descending. + +NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which +merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is +a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of +reasoning -- which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and +exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the +endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah +(therefore) for the noumenon! + +NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the +same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is +too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its +successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity, +totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read +all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. +To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its +distinguishing principle, probability, corresponds to the literal +actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category +of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to +mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; +and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, +imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it +was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace +to its ashes -- some of which have a large sale. + +NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. + + + +O + + + +OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the +conscience by a penalty for perjury. + +OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from +struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. +Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet +their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory +without an alarm clock. + +OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses +of their predecessors. + +OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and +other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. +Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for +every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently +seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally +driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the +peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a +woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a +hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap +higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in +Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the +soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The +soldier, unfortunately, did not. + +OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. +A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter +an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a +good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good +enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward +"obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as +anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete +and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and +sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the +vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a +competent reader. + +OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the +splendor and stress of our advocacy. + The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most +intelligent animal. + +OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, +however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase +"occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such +as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict +us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no +reference to irregular recurrence. + +OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the +Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of +the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, +which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are +the principal industries of the Orient. + +OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made +for man -- who has no gills. + +OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as +the advance of an army against its enemy. + "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should +say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't +come out of his works!" + +OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with +general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse of time +and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book. + + "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. + "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." + Nature herself approves the Goby rule + And gives us every moment a fresh fool. + +Harley Shum + + +OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. + Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as +"unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever +afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the +vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies +have only to find it. + +OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by +gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and +mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his +appetite. + + His name the smirking tourist scrawls + Upon Minerva's temple walls, + Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, + And marks his appetite's abuse. + +Averil Joop + + +OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. + +ONCE, adv. Enough. + +OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose +inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no +postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word +_simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for +his model _Simia audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the ape +that howls. + + The actor apes a man -- at least in shape; + The opera performer apes and ape. + +OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into +the jail yard. + +OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. + +OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. + + How lonely he who thinks to vex + With bandinage the Solemn Sex! + Of levity, Mere Man, beware; + None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. + +Percy P. Orminder + + +OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from +running amuck by hamstringing it. + The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of +government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members +of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of +these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister +carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. +Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. +Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that +if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their +heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. + "What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions +cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition." + "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is +true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all +is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust." + So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition +embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and +nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the +nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was +defeated -- the members of the Government party had not been nailed to +their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put +to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, +and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished +from Ghargaroo. + +OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, +including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and +everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by +those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and +is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a +blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an +intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is +hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. + +OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. + A pessimist applied to God for relief. + "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. + "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that +would justify them." + "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked +something -- the mortality of the optimist." + +ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the +understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. + +ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of +filial ingratitude -- a privation appealing with a particular +eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the +orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of +its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place. It +is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and +eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or +scullery maid. + +ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke. + +ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the +ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every +asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since +the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to +be conceded hereafter. + + A spelling reformer indicted + For fudge was before the court cicted. + The judge said: "Enough -- + His candle we'll snough, + And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." + +OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature +has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have +seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working +pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, +the ostrich does not fly. + +OTHERWISE, adv. No better. + +OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of +intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom +of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal +nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the +doer had when he performed it. + +OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy. + +OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no +government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire +poets. + + I climbed to the top of a mountain one day + To see the sun setting in glory, + And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, + Of a perfectly splendid story. + + 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode + Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; + Then the man would carry him miles on the road + Till Neddy was pretty well rested. + + The moon rising solemnly over the crest + Of the hills to the east of my station + Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west + Like a visible new creation. + + And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) + Of an idle young woman who tarried + About a church-door for a look at the bride, + Although 'twas herself that was married. + + To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand + Ideas -- with thought and emotion. + I pity the dunces who don't understand + The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. + +Stromboli Smith + + +OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of +one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A +lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to +signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the +hero of the hour and place. + + "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, + But I thought it uncommonly queer, + That people and critics by him had been led + By the ear. + + The Latin lexicon makes his absurd + Assertion as plain as a peg; + In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. + It means egg. + +Dudley Spink + + +OVEREAT, v. To dine. + + Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, + Well skilled to overeat without distress! + Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, + Shows Man's superiority to Beast. + +John Boop + + +OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries +who want to go fishing. + +OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified +not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of +debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and +liabilities. + +OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the +hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are +sometimes given to the poor. + + + +P + + + +PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical +basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely +mental, caused by the good fortune of another. + +PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and +exposing them to the critic. + Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: +the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between +the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. + +PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great +official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church +is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a +field, or wayside. There is progress. + +PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the +familiar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed +and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of +invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece +of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. +The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a +considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known +as "benefactions." + +PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's +classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in +"reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The +pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very +accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted +plainly spell the word "dupe." The imposture consists in not reading +it aloud. + +PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them +have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a +lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the +ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his +pride of distinction. + +PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The +garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of +flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called +"trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. + +PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in +contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. + +PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to +the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. + +PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To +add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. + +PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going +abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special +reprobation and outrage. + +PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we +have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the +Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These +two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually +effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow +and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The +Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the +one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential +prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, +beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is +the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They +are one -- the knowledge and the dream. + +PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for +intellectual debility. + +PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. + +PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to +those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. + +PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one +ambitious to illuminate his name. + In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the +last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened +but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. + +PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two +periods of fighting. + + O, what's the loud uproar assailing + Mine ears without cease? + 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing + The horrors of peace. + + Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- + Would marry it, too. + If only they knew how to do it + 'Twere easy to do. + + They're working by night and by day + On their problem, like moles. + Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, + On their meddlesome souls! + +Ro Amil + + +PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an +automobile. + +PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor +with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. + +PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. + +PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the +actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. + The editor of an English magazine having received a letter +pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed +"Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't +agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. + +PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of +Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in +order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution -- they +knew no more of the matter than he. + +PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, +but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous +peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in +preparing it. + +PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an +inglorious success. + + "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, + Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. + "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare -- + The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" + Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease + Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, + The goal and the rival forgotten alike, + And the long fatigue of the needless hike. + His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew + Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, + He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, + A winner of all that is good in a race. + +Sukker Uffro + + +PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the +observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his +scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. + +PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has +trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. + +PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, +following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is +sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always +solemn. + +PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. + +PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." + +PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. + +PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in +art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite +so good as that of a Cheyenne. + +PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. +It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe +with. + +PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs +when well. + +PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by +the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which +is the standard of excellence. + + "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, + "To read the mind's construction in the face." + The physiognomists his portrait scan, + And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! + He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, + So, in his own defence, denied our art." + +Lavatar Shunk + + +PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It +is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the +audience. + +PICKANINNY, n. The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus +dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. + +PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome +in three. + + "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view -- + Taken from Life." If that description's true, + Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. + +Jali Hane + + +PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. + + Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. + +Rev. Dr. Mucker + +(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) + + Cold pie is a detestable + American comestible. + That's why I'm done -- or undone -- + So far from that dear London. + +(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo) + + +PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed +resemblance to man. + + The pig is taught by sermons and epistles + To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. + +Judibras + + +PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human +race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is +inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. + +PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers +in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The +Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians +-- who are Hogmies. + +PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was +one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms +through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could +personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. + +PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction +-- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere +virtues and blameless lives. + +PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. + +PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary +encounter with oneself. + +PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. + +PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable +priority and an honorable subsequence. + +PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom +one has never, never read. + +PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for +admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the +Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is +merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless +objectionableness. + +PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an +accidental result. + +PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular +literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of +a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in +artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a +departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose +of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the +sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram. + +PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic +Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a +frost. + +PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and +devour it. + +PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. + +PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection. + +PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained +nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a +saturated solution. + +PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. + +PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary +is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he +never exert it. + +PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. + +PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the +pen. + +PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the +decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of +ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the +wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity. + +POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In +woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her +conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of +others. + +POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the +Magazines. + +POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to +this lexicographer unknown. + +POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. + +POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. + +POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of +principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. + +POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the +superstructure of organized society is reared. When we wriggles he +mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. +As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being +alive. + +POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with +several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which +has but one. + +POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found +in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an +uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the +power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing +independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he +possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech +of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was +known as "The Matter with Kansas." + +PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of +possession. + + His light estate, if neither he did make it + Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, + Is portable improperly, I take it. + +Worgum Slupsky + + +PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They +are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed +with garlic. + +POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. + +POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and +affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, +its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. + +POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a +popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure +competitor. + +POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; +indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find +it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as +thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and +diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all +countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of +substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that +liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be +unscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads. + +POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The +number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who +suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about +it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues +and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a +prosperity where they believe these to be unknown. + +PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf +of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. + +PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory +race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily +conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to +have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its +known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and +theologians with a controversy. + +PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in +the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a +Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of +doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has +only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate +those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates +the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the +noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. + +PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. + + Precipitate in all, this sinner + Took action first, and then his dinner. + +Judibras + + +PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to +programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of +foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does +not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other +doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough +to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. +With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a +reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. + +PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. + +PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. + +PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation. + +PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the +erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. + An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no +better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. +"Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." + It is longer. + +PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. +Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. + + He lived in a period prehistoric, + When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. + Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, + Set down great events in succession and order, + He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous + In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. + +Orpheus Bowen + + +PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. + +PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and +a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God. + +PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. + +PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government +authorities of the Church should be called presbyters. + +PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the +situation with least harm to the patient. + +PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of +disappointment from the realm of hope. + +PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time +and place. + In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony +if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in +New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he +must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. + +PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable +result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He +presided at the piccolo." + + The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, + Read with a solemn face: + "The music was very uncommonly grand -- + The best that was every provided, + For our townsman Brown presided + At the organ with skill and grace." + The Headliner discontinued to read, + And, spread the paper down + On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: + "Great playing by President Brown." + +Orpheus Bowen + + +PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American +politics. + +PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -- +and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers of +their countrymen did not want any of them for President. + + If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater + To have been a simple and undamned spectator. + Behold in me a man of mark and note + Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! -- + An undiscredited, unhooted gent + Who might, for all we know, be President + By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -- + I'm passing with a wide and open ear! + +Jonathan Fomry + + +PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar estate. + +PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of +conscience in demanding it. + +PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported +by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the +Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies +Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is +commonly dead. + +PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us +that -- + + "Stone walls do not a prison make," + +but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the +moral instructor is no garden of sweets. + +PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his +knapsack and an impediment in his hope. + +PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him +in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. +For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. + Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the +illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and +answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high +promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous +humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No +successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of +_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity and +sweetness of his personal character. + +PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly +these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, +with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could +supply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of +prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into +favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its +capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of +propulsion. + +PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of +unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to +that of only one. + +PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing +nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible. + +PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may +be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the +passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The +object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. + +PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for +future delivery. + +PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually +forbidden. + + Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- + O'er Ceylon blow your breath, + Where every prospect pleases, + Save only that of death. + +Bishop Sheber + + +PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the +person so describing it. + +PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. + +PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in +a cone of critics. + +PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, +especially in politics. The other is Pull. + +PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It +consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its +modern professors have added that. + + + +Q + + + +QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, +and through whom it is ruled when there is not. + +QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly +wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its +modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting +Presence. + +QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the +aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. + + He extracted from his quiver, + Did the controversial Roman, + An argument well fitted + To the question as submitted, + Then addressed it to the liver, + Of the unpersuaded foeman. + +Oglum P. Boomp + + +QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into +the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily +denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name +is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. + + When ignorance from out of our lives can banish + Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. + +Juan Smith + + +QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to +have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United +States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on +Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of +Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil. + +QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. +The words erroneously repeated. + + Intent on making his quotation truer, + He sought the page infallible of Brewer, + Then made a solemn vow that we would be + Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me! + +Stumpo Gaker + + +QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging +to one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about +as many times as it can be got there. + + + +R + + + +RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority +tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred +Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it do +nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in +our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.") + +RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading +devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to +the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now +held in light popular esteem. + +RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. + + He held at court a rank so high + That other noblemen asked why. + "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack + His skill to scratch the royal back." + +Aramis Jukes + + +RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, +nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments. + +RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power. + +RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point +out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained +that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and +that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared +after the recipe of a she banker. + +RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. + +RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded +intellect. + +RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. + + "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let + These gamblers take your cash." + "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! + How can you be so rash?" + +Bootle P. Gish + + +RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, +experience and reflection. + +RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_. + +RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, +by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to +affirm his worth. + +REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within +which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the +propensity to provide. + + This is a truth, as old as the hills, + That life and experience teach: + The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, + An impediment of his reach. + +G.J. + + +READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it +consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and +humor in slang. + + We know by one's reading + His learning and breeding; + By what draws his laughter + We know his Hereafter. + Read nothing, laugh never -- + The Sphinx was less clever! + +Jupiter Muke + + +RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the +affairs of to-day. + +RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ +that a scientist is a fool with. + +RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get +away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose +the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits +him to make the transit with great expedition. + +RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, +otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings +of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our +earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the +White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of +the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a +brick. + +REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The +charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a +measuring-worm. + +REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain +in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum. + +REALLY, adv. Apparently. + +REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army +that is nearest to Congress. + +REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire. + +REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice. + +REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. +Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. + +REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish +it. + +RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously +known. + +RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for +the purpose of digging up the dead. + +RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. + +RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded +to the player against whom they are loaded. + +RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general +fatigue. + +RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform +and from a soldier by his gait. + + Fresh from the farm or factory or street, + His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, + Were an impressive martial spectacle + Except for two impediments -- his feet. + +Thompson Johnson + + +RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the +parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two. + +REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, +through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The +doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy +religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have +everlasting life in which to try to understand it. + + We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, + And take some special measure for redeeming it; + Though hard indeed the task to get it in + Among the angels any way but teaming it, + Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. + I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner: + My method is to crucify the sinner. + +Golgo Brone + + +REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction. + Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the +king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of +the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own +naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and +it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. + +RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -- at +least not on the outside. + +REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; _de trop_. + + The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant + To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." + To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, + Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." + +Habeeb Suleiman + + + Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. + +Theodore Roosevelt + + +REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a +popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. + +REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view +of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the +perils that we shall not again encounter. + +REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to +reformation. + +REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and +Joshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, +Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life inadvertently +could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable +expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to +enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was +appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of +early Greece. + +REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand +in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a +rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by +a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of +finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the +refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by +some casuists the refusal assentive. + +REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such +ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of +Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League +of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society +of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians; +Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of +the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long +Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the +Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant +Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining +Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of +the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the +Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the +Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of +Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; +Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; +Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the +Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient +Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; +Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of +Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; +the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of +Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; +Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. + +RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the +nature of the Unknowable. + "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. + "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." + "Then why do you not become an atheist?" + "Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism." + "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." + +RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the +true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the +lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. +Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent +the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable +times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once +escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of +the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three +times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan +in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the +library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was +seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the +diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the +Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. + +RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -- a +little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable +than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and +inconsiderate hand. + + I touched the harp in every key, + But found no heeding ear; + And then Ithuriel touched me + With a revealing spear. + + Not all my genius, great as 'tis, + Could urge me out of night. + I felt the faint appulse of his, + And leapt into the light! + +W.J. Candleton + + +REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted +from the satisfaction felt in committing it. + +REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a +constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to +offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. + +REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It +is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not +inconsistent with continuity of sin. + + Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, + You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? + How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals + And add you to the woes of other souls. + +Jomater Abemy + + +REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made +the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which +is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the +replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful +than it looks. + +REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it +with a tempest of words. + + "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou + Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" + So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew + Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." + +Barson Maith + + +REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling. + +REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House +in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. + +REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal +prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, +whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his +conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are +predestined to salvation. + +REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing +governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to +enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of +public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from +ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. +There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between +the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead. + +REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the +winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of +providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. + +RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave. + +RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an +advantage for a greater advantage. + + 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed + A true renunciation + Of title, rank and every kind + Of military station -- + Each honorable station. + + By his example fired -- inclined + To noble emulation, + The country humbly was resigned + To Leonard's resignation -- + His Christian resignation. + +Politian Greame + + +RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. + +RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head +and a bank account. + +RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an +inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its +passage to the lungs. + +RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, +to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have +been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of +a disagreeable expectation. + + Altgeld upon his incandescent bed + Lay, an attendant demon at his head. + + "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- + Some respite from the roast, however brief." + + "Remember how on earth I pardoned all + Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." + + "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm + O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm. + + "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, + Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate. + + "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, + Not even the memory of who you are." + + Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; + Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. + + "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be + As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." + + "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack + You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." + + A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide + While they were turning him on t'other side. + +Joel Spate Woop + + +RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in +his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an +elemental unit of a parade. + + The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- + and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. + +"Chronicles of the Classes" + + +RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness +of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external +coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, +responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is +to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, +incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. + +RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the +shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days +of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. + + Alas, things ain't what we should see + If Eve had let that apple be; + And many a feller which had ought + To set with monarchses of thought, + Or play some rosy little game + With battle-chaps on fields of fame, + Is downed by his unlucky star + And hollers: "Peanuts! -- here you are!" + +"The Sturdy Beggar" + + +RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public +libraries by gift or bequest. + +RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. + +RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of +Law. + +RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon +the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by +evicting them. + In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father +Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the +improduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talking +exercise: + + What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go + Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? + Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? + 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, + And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at + Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know + That empires are ungrateful; are you certain + Republics are less handy to get hurt in? + +REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields +no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the +American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that +pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their +misfortunes and their sacred dishonor. + +REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed +all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know +nothing. + +REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a +man. + +REVIEW, v.t. + + To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, + Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) + At work upon a book, and so read out of it + The qualities that you have first read into it. + +REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of +misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of +the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the +welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. +Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of +blood, but are accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made by +beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The +French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; +when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are +inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law +and order. + +RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for +precious metals in the pocket of a fool. + +RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. + +RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. +The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been +used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious +writers of the fifteenth century -- commonly, indeed, regarded as the +founder of the Fastidiotic School. + +RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular +novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the +conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, +and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp. + +RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property +of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the +luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the +Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid +advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise. + +RICHES, n. + + A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in + whom I am well pleased." + +John D. Rockefeller + + + The reward of toil and virtue. + +J.P. Morgan + + + The sayings of many in the hands of one. + +Eugene Debs + + + To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels +that he can add nothing of value. + +RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are +uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who +utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. +Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- a +ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone +centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. +What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine +of Infant Respectability? + +RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right +to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have +measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally +believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is +still sometimes affirmed _in partibus infidelium_ outside the +enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir +Abednego Bink, following: + + By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? + Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? + He surely were as stubborn as a mule + Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour + His uninvited session on the throne, or air + His pride securely in the Presidential chair. + + Whatever is is so by Right Divine; + Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! + It were a wondrous thing if His design + A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand! + If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) + Is guilty of contributory negligence. + +RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the +Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some +feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it +into several European countries, but it appears to have been +imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found +in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic +passage from which is here given: + + "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of + mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to + the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and + just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state; + and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my + injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be + wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty + to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be + righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, + in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better + disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain." + +RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The +verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually +(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." + +RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. + + The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, + The sound surceases and the sense expires. + Then the domestic dog, to east and west, + Expounds the passions burning in his breast. + The rising moon o'er that enchanted land + Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. + +Mowbray Myles + + +RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent +bystanders. + +R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting to +indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, +however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in +pulvis_. + +RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept +or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out +of it. + +RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear +freedom, keeping off the grass. + +ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is +too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. + + All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, + Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. + +Borey the Bald + + +ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. + It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling +companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, +and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once +there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he +was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." + +ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as +They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to +probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance +it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination -- free, +lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as +Carlyle might say -- a mere reporter. He may invent his characters +and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not +occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes +this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a +lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick +volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black +profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, +for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it +remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we +have is "The Thousand and One Nights." + +ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they +too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's +whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex +electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is +rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment. + +ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In +America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically +expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. + +ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English +civil war -- so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, +whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other +points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the +fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because +the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair +grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly +barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal +neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. +Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the +fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this +day beneath the snows of British civility. + +RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, +literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions +lying due south from Boreaplas. + +RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the +virtue of maids. + +RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total +abstainers. + +RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. + + Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, + By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, + O serviceable Rumor, let me wield + Against my enemy no other blade. + His be the terror of a foe unseen, + His the inutile hand upon the hilt, + And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, + Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. + So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, + Spare me to celebrate his overthrow, + And nurse my valor for another foe. + +Joel Buxter + + +RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A +Tartar Emetic. + + + +S + + + +SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God +made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the +Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this +is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy +neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient +that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early +Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of +the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious +jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is +reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water +version of the Fourth Commandment: + + Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, + And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. + + Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the +captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine +ordinance. + +SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a +priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge +that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the +Neo-Dictionarians. + +SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of +authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, +but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can +afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller +sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will +indubitable be damned. + +SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine +character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama +of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the +Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; +the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. + + All things are either sacred or profane. + The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; + The latter to the devil appertain. + +Dumbo Omohundro + + +SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of +Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences +gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the +traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally +bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent +and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon +California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of +solecisms. The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and +"sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably +suggestive. + +SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent +the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the +hoisting apparatus. + + Once I seen a human ruin + In an elevator-well, + And his members was bestrewin' + All the place where he had fell. + + And I says, apostrophisin' + That uncommon woful wreck: + "Your position's so surprisin' + That I tremble for your neck!" + + Then that ruin, smilin' sadly + And impressive, up and spoke: + "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, + For it's been a fortnight broke." + + Then, for further comprehension + Of his attitude, he begs + I will focus my attention + On his various arms and legs -- + + How they all are contumacious; + Where they each, respective, lie; + How one trotter proves ungracious, + T'other one an _alibi_. + + These particulars is mentioned + For to show his dismal state, + Which I wasn't first intentioned + To specifical relate. + + None is worser to be dreaded + That I ever have heard tell + Than the gent's who there was spreaded + In that elevator-well. + + Now this tale is allegoric -- + It is figurative all, + For the well is metaphoric + And the feller didn't fall. + + I opine it isn't moral + For a writer-man to cheat, + And despise to wear a laurel + As was gotten by deceit. + + For 'tis Politics intended + By the elevator, mind, + It will boost a person splendid + If his talent is the kind. + + Col. Bryan had the talent + (For the busted man is him) + And it shot him up right gallant + Till his head begun to swim. + + Then the rope it broke above him + And he painful come to earth + Where there's nobody to love him + For his detrimented worth. + + Though he's livin' none would know him, + Or at leastwise not as such. + Moral of this woful poem: + Frequent oil your safety-clutch. + +Porfer Poog + + +SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. + The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old +calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis +de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear +that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate +things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a +perfect gentleman, though a fool." + +SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in +popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, +who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are +occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked +harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are +tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves. + +SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an +anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now +believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account +having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it +with a bucket of holy water. + +SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a +certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of +devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern +obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art. + +SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in +sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made +himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from +Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a +moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like +to ask," said he. + "Name it." + "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." + "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn +of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to make +his laws?" + "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them +himself." + It was so ordered. + +SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten +its contents, madam. + +SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the +vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with +imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a +sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we +are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all +humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans +are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not +generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the +satirist is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his ever +victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent. + + Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung + In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, + For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well -- + Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. + Had it been such as consecrates the Bible + Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. + +Barney Stims + + +SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded +recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at +first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose +allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and +improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a +later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and +more like a goat. + +SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. +A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one +sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented +and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. + +SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and +colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. +Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. + + A penny saved is a penny to squander. + + A man is known by the company that he organizes. + A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. + + A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. + + Better late than before anybody has invited you. + + Example is better than following it. + + Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else. + + Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. + + What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. + + Least said is soonest disavowed. + + He laughs best who laughs least. + + Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. + + Of two evils choose to be the least. + + Strike while your employer has a big contract. + + Where there's a will there's a won't. + +SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to +our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, +the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit +of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it +to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal +reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior +beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest. + +SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus. + + He fell by his own hand + Beneath the great oak tree. + He'd traveled in a foreign land. + He tried to make her understand + The dance that's called the Saraband, + But he called it Scarabee. + He had called it so through an afternoon, + And she, the light of his harem if so might be, + Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, + All frosted there in the shine o' the moon -- + Dead for a Scarabee + And a recollection that came too late. + O Fate! + They buried him where he lay, + He sleeps awaiting the Day, + In state, + And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, + Gloom over the grave and then move on. + Dead for a Scarabee! + Fernando Tapple + +SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. +The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot +iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent +spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, +with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. +The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to +yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is +conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of +grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a +penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice. + +SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his +authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign +admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the +bones of their proponents. + +SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of +which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the +incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated +from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth +century. + + When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to + decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after + the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his + Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man + who should have been at that time ten minutes dead! + "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged + monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and + have your head struck off by the public executioner at three + o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?" + "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the + condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is + a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and + vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I + ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The + executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously + whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, + strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a + favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable + and treasonous head." + "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled + caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. + "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- I + know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi." + "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an + attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the + Presence. + "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" + roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck + that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?" + "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, + unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers." + Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted + like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung + violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered + peacefully to the close, without incident. + All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as + white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled + and his breath came in gasps of terror. + "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a + ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly + because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it + through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office." + So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and + advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet. + +SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many +persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing +whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to +collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, +by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: + + Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast + You keep a record true + Of every kind of peppered roast + That's made of you; + + Wherein you paste the printed gibes + That revel round your name, + Thinking the laughter of the scribes + Attests your fame; + + Where all the pictures you arrange + That comic pencils trace -- + Your funny figure and your strange + Semitic face -- + + Pray lend it me. Wit I have not, + Nor art, but there I'll list + The daily drubbings you'd have got + Had God a fist. + +SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to +one's own. + +SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as +distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other +faiths are based. + +SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest +their authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, +and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, +in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing +important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical +efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the +British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a +sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other +devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in +many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are +appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless +custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote +utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense +evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our +word "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but the +learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence +of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were +formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will +serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S., +commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean _locum +sigillis_, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used +-- an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the +beasts that perish. The words _locum sigillis_ are humbly suggested +as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take +their place as a sovereign State of the American Union. + +SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of +environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are +more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with +small, cut stones. + + The devil casting a seine of lace, + (With precious stones 'twas weighted) + Drew it into the landing place + And its contents calculated. + + All souls of women were in that sack -- + A draft miraculous, precious! + But ere he could throw it across his back + They'd all escaped through the meshes. + +Baruch de Loppis + + +SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement. + +SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. + +SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. + +SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and +misdemeanors. + +SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, +creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. +Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding +chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a +synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read +_them_. A synposis of the entire work would be still better. + The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly +paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to +us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the +installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world +without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday +morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he +found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His +collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship +and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic. + +SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held +individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are +believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the +lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could +not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. + + Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind + Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; + Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay -- + His small belongings their appointed prey; + Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, + Persuaded elsewhere every little while! + His fire unquenched and his undying worm + By "land in severalty" (charming term!) + Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, + And he to his new holding anchored fast! + +SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose +most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern +States, are the catching and hanging of rogues. + + John Elmer Pettibone Cajee + (I write of him with little glee) + Was just as bad as he could be. + + 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! + The sun has never looked upon + So bad a man as Neighbor John." + + A sinner through and through, he had + This added fault: it made him mad + To know another man was bad. + + In such a case he thought it right + To rise at any hour of night + And quench that wicked person's light. + + Despite the town's entreaties, he + Would hale him to the nearest tree + And leave him swinging wide and free. + + Or sometimes, if the humor came, + A luckless wight's reluctant frame + Was given to the cheerful flame. + + While it was turning nice and brown, + All unconcerned John met the frown + Of that austere and righteous town. + + "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he + So scornful of the law should be -- + An anar c, h, i, s, t." + + (That is the way that they preferred + To utter the abhorrent word, + So strong the aversion that it stirred.) + + "Resolved," they said, continuing, + "That Badman John must cease this thing + Of having his unlawful fling. + + "Now, by these sacred relics" -- here + Each man had out a souvenir + Got at a lynching yesteryear -- + + "By these we swear he shall forsake + His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache + By sins of rope and torch and stake. + + "We'll tie his red right hand until + He'll have small freedom to fulfil + The mandates of his lawless will." + + So, in convention then and there, + They named him Sheriff. The affair + Was opened, it is said, with prayer. + +J. Milton Sloluck + + +SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt +to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any +lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing +performance. + +SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) +with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue +what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in +accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of +setting up as a wit without a capital of sense. + +SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is +used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer +who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" +it is seen at its best: + + The wheels go round without a sound -- + The maidens hold high revel; + In sinful mood, insanely gay, + True spinsters spin adown the way + From duty to the devil! + They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling! + Their bells go all the morning; + Their lanterns bright bestar the night + Pedestrians a-warning. + With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, + Good-Lording and O-mying, + Her rheumatism forgotten quite, + Her fat with anger frying. + She blocks the path that leads to wrath, + Jack Satan's power defying. + The wheels go round without a sound + The lights burn red and blue and green. + What's this that's found upon the ground? + Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen! + +John William Yope + + +SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished +from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is +that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began +by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men +ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of +words. + + His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, + And drags his sophistry to light of day; + Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort + To falsehood of so desperate a sort. + Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, + He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. + +Polydore Smith + + +SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political +influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was +punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor +peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to +compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the +suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his +tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing +it. + +SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave +disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of +existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of +eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became +philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had +least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and +despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad- +browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was +not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted +against his enemies; certainly he was not the last. + "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of +_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath been hardly more argument than +that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath +her seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may discern and interpret +a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men +most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' +-- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him +to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and +majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach +are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who +nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that +its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of +the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. +This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek +of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according +to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse +clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the +public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which +firmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, +anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian comestibles +shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, +and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and +richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, +though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His +Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly +revere) will assent to its dissemination." + +SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with +supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of +the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, +who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and +mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror +that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells +ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another +township. + +STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories +here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. + + One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated +at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. + "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, +is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its +authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the +Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" + "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did +not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who +wrote it." + + Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was +addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a +stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back +and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be +haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had +been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is +putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' +nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the +loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their +courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist. + "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as +this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts! And +you are a believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?" + "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal +cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am +afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and +I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." + Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were +standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the +question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the +middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that +band before. Santlemann's, I think." + "I don't hear any band," said Schley. + "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General +Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in +the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions +pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin." + While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy +General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. +When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two +observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its +effulgence -- + "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. + "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys +one-half so well." + + The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile +from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town +on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a +street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of +teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a +dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, +said: + "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. +He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I passed him." + "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate +smoker." + The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that +it was not right. + He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a +stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had +put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted +to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule +loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another +man entered the saloon. + "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that +mule, barkeeper: it smells." + "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in +Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." + In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, +apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. +The boys did not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the +body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much +of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that +night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the +misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon +emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook +it, and passed the night in town. + + General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a +pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but +imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the +General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is +named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing +his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. + "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, +"what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? -- and with my coat +on!" + Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the +manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned +with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an +empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably +entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful +progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said: + "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you +about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?" + General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. + "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking +of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room +fifteen minutes." + +SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In +literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are +exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines +by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious +reason, "John A. Joyce." + + The bard who would prosper must carry a book, + Do his thinking in prose and wear + A crimson cravat, a far-away look + And a head of hexameter hair. + Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; + If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. + +SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right +of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, +as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another +man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name +of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned +for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is +himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he +profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater +weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a +woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female +responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to +jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back +into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them. + +SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he +may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an +editor. + + As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased + To fix itself upon a part diseased + Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, + It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, + So the base sycophant with joy descries + His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, + Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, + Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. + Gelasma, if it paid you to devote + Your talent to the service of a goat, + Showing by forceful logic that its beard + Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; + If to the task of honoring its smell + Profit had prompted you, and love as well, + The world would benefit at last by you + And wealthy malefactors weep anew -- + Your favor for a moment's space denied + And to the nobler object turned aside. + Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires + Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, + Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly + To safer villainies of darker dye, + Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, + To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread + May see you groveling their boots to lick + And begging for the favor of a kick? + Still must you follow to the bitter end + Your sycophantic disposition's trend, + And in your eagerness to please the rich + Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? + In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire, + And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher! + What's Satan done that him you should eschew? + He too is reeking rich -- deducting _you_. + +SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor +assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) + +SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when +the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory +smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were +allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, +in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of +the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they +had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the +chicks having ever been seen. + +SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for +something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things which +having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have +inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on +memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the +dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that +conceals our helplessness. + +SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation +of symbols. + + They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; + I hold that that's the stomach's function, + For of the sinner I have noted + That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, + Or ill some other ghastly fashion + Within that bowel of compassion. + True, I believe the only sinner + Is he that eats a shabby dinner. + You know how Adam with good reason, + For eating apples out of season, + Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: + The truth is, Adam had the colic. + +G.J. + + + + +T + + + +T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks +absurdly called _tau_. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the +form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone +(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified +_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." + +TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal +passion for irresponsibility. + + Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, + Took Madam P. to table, + And there deliriously fed + As fast as he was able. + + "I dote upon good grub," he cried, + Intent upon its throatage. + "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, + "You're in your _table d'hotage_." + +Associated Poets + + +TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its +natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of +its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a +privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness +by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a +marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail +should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable +in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong +and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now +generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually +susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan +past. + +TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. + +TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an +impulse without purpose. + +TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the +domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. + + The Enemy of Human Souls + Sat grieving at the cost of coals; + For Hell had been annexed of late, + And was a sovereign Southern State. + + "It were no more than right," said he, + "That I should get my fuel free. + The duty, neither just nor wise, + Compels me to economize -- + Whereby my broilers, every one, + Are execrably underdone. + What would they have? -- although I yearn + To do them nicely to a turn, + I can't afford an honest heat. + This tariff makes even devils cheat! + I'm ruined, and my humble trade + All rascals may at will invade: + Beneath my nose the public press + Outdoes me in sulphureousness; + The bar ingeniously applies + To my undoing my own lies; + My medicines the doctors use + (Albeit vainly) to refuse + To me my fair and rightful prey + And keep their own in shape to pay; + The preachers by example teach + What, scorning to perform, I teach; + And statesmen, aping me, all make + More promises than they can break. + Against such competition I + Lift up a disregarded cry. + Since all ignore my just complaint, + By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!" + Now, the Republicans, who all + Are saints, began at once to bawl + Against _his_ competition; so + There was a devil of a go! + They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete + In acrimonious debate, + Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, + Had hopes of coming by their own. + That evil to avert, in haste + The two belligerents embraced; + But since 'twere wicked to relax + A tittle of the Sacred Tax, + 'Twas finally agreed to grant + The bold Insurgent-protestant + A bounty on each soul that fell + Into his ineffectual Hell. + +Edam Smith + + +TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for +slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words +were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook +upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and +the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted +by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words +did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, +that being only an inference. + +TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many +fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an +authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious +source -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum +Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something +that saddens. + +TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, +sometimes tolerably totally. + +TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the +advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. + +TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that +of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us +with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a +bell summoning us to the sacrifice. + +TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to +the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand +of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in +politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a +Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to +his accounting: + + Of such tenacity his grip + That nothing from his hand can slip. + Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm + In tubs of liquid slippery-elm + In vain -- from his detaining pinch + They cannot struggle half an inch! + 'Tis lucky that he so is planned + That breath he draws not with his hand, + For if he did, so great his greed + He'd draw his last with eager speed. + Nay, that were well, you say. Not so + He'd draw but never let it go! + +THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion +and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with +the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this +earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough +for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime +does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to +wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection; +and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that +everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. +Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem +neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and +fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had +no cat. + +TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the +general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. +Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss +Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as +to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of +ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that +nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory +was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the +conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as +to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! +It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's +aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what +was known among the ancients as "modesty." The nature of that +sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of +exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The study of lost +arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts +themselves recovered. This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and there +is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its +hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the +stage. + +TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent +invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long +tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, +the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be +innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the +soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally +accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has +been greatly dignified. + +TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. +In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping +nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted +against the hard-drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down +like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef- +eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two +hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan +race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the +temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the +Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in +every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations +that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too +righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the +canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially +augmented the nation's military power. + +TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for +the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: + + +TO MY PET TORTOISE + + + My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; + Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. + + Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's + To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. + + As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. + 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. + + No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, + A certain firmness -- mostly you're [sic] backbone. + + Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) + Are virtues that the great know how to use -- + + I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, + You lack -- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul. + + So, to be candid, unreserved and true, + I'd rather you were I than I were you. + + Perhaps, however, in a time to be, + When Man's extinct, a better world may see + + Your progeny in power and control, + Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. + + So I salute you as a reptile grand + Predestined to regenerate the land. + + Father of Possibilities, O deign + To accept the homage of a dying reign! + + In the far region of the unforeknown + I dream a tortoise upon every throne. + + I see an Emperor his head withdraw + Into his carapace for fear of Law; + + A King who carries something else than fat, + Howe'er acceptably he carries that; + + A President not strenuously bent + On punishment of audible dissent -- + + Who never shot (it were a vain attack) + An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; + + Subject and citizens that feel no need + To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; + + All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, + And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State. + + O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, + My glorious testudinous regime! + + I wish in Eden you'd brought this about + By slouching in and chasing Adam out. + +TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal +apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear +only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the +tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor +in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit +(white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the +public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general +welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no +discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the +lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following +passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries: + + While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof + I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in + it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as + followeth: + "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall + see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye + King his Majesty." + And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr + tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne. + +_Trauvells in ye Easte_ + + +TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the +blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to +effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person +of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If +the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo +such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable +sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the +accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval +times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A +beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly +arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public +executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards +were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after +testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _in +contumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, +where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a +street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the +viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and +punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, +but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates +from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, +dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their +conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches +infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, +instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some +of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This +was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to +leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of +incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this +_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved +the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable +jurisdiction. + +TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. + Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian +physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as +trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need and +immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork +every other day." + "Pork?" shrieked the patient -- "pork? Nothing shall induce me to +touch it!" + "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. + "I swear it!" + "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you." + +TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, +three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate +deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not +dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually +their claims to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the +most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because +it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of +theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not +understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that +contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the +former as a part of the latter. + +TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic +period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of +troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony +consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was +in debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all the +Socialists of Judah. + +TRUCE, n. Friendship. + +TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. +Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the +most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of +existing with increasing activity to the end of time. + +TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate. + +TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in +greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in +the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors +and public enemies. + +TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious +anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and +gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. + +TWICE, adv. Once too often. + +TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying +civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this +incomparable dictionary. + +TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) +whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy +for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American +novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_). + + + +U + + + +UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, +but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an +attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important +distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the +mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain +Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were +known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, +for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that +sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In +recent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by +Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two +places at once unless he is a bird. + +UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue +without humility. + +ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to +concessions. + Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry +met to consider it. + "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk +to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable +soldiers have we in arms?" + "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining +his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" + "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts +of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious +Navy. + "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they +are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars +of Heaven!" + For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial +Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was +calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the +die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he +advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned." + +UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. + +UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction +consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of +the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite +had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was +discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other +could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: +"Then I'll be damned if I die!" + "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear." + +UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to +know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and +laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and +Kant, who lived in a horse. + + His understanding was so keen + That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, + He could interpret without fail + If he was in or out of jail. + He wrote at Inspiration's call + Deep disquisitions on them all, + Then, pent at last in an asylum, + Performed the service to compile 'em. + So great a writer, all men swore, + They never had not read before. + +Jorrock Wormley + + +UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. + +UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons +of another faith. + +URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to +dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is +heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with +disregard of the rights of others. + + The owner of a powder mill + Was musing on a distant hill -- + Something his mind foreboded -- + When from the cloudless sky there fell + A deviled human kidney! Well, + The man's mill had exploded. + His hat he lifted from his head; + "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; + "I didn't know 'twas loaded." + +Swatkin + + +USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and +Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent +reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to +produce books that will live as long as the fashion. + +UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own +wife. + + + +V + + + +VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's +hope. + "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and +Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once." + "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am +persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring +them into collision with the enemy." + +VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. + + They say that hens do cackle loudest when + There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; + And there are hens, professing to have made + A study of mankind, who say that men + Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen + Make the most clamorous fanfaronade + O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid + They're not entirely different from the hen. + Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, + His blazing breeches and high-towering cap -- + Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, + Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! + Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue + Is that in battle he will never hurt you? + +Hannibal Hunsiker + + +VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. + +VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as +suffer from an impediment in their wit. + +VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a +fool of himself and a wreck of his country. + + + +W + + + +W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only +cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This +advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued +after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like +_epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other +agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been +concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise +of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that +by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our +civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. + +WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That +Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every +unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and +good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. + + Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call + To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!" + Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; + Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, + Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, + Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: + Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray -- + Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! + While still you're possessed of a single baubee + (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) + 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance + Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. + For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, + Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! + +Anonymus Bink + + +WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing +political condition is a period of international amity. The student +of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly +boast himself inaccessible to the light. "In time of peace prepare +for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, +not merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is the +one immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thickly +sown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination +and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure +dome" -- when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in +Xanadu -- that he + + heard from afar + Ancestral voices prophesying war. + + One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of +men, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us +have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of +that elemental distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to +come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide +the night. + +WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of +governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to +him it should be said that he did not want to. + + They took away his vote and gave instead + The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread. + In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, + To come again and part him from his roll. + +Offenbach Stutz + + +WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she +holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the +service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. + +WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of +conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have +inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal +ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather +bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments +are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. + + Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, + And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be -- + Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, + With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. + While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth, + From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. + He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote + On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote -- + For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: + "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." + +Halcyon Jones + + +WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, +one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become +supportable. + +WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All +werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to +gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as +humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. + Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it +to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was +there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told +them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its +human for during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the +good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning +you will find a Lutheran." + +WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected +affliction that strikes hard. + + Should you ask me whence this laughter, + Whence this audible big-smiling, + With its labial extension, + With its maxillar distortion + And its diaphragmic rhythmus + Like the billowing of an ocean, + Like the shaking of a carpet, + I should answer, I should tell you: + From the great deeps of the spirit, + From the unplummeted abysmus + Of the soul this laughter welleth + As the fountain, the gug-guggle, + Like the river from the canon [sic], + To entoken and give warning + That my present mood is sunny. + Should you ask me further question -- + Why the great deeps of the spirit, + Why the unplummeted abysmus + Of the soule extrudes this laughter, + This all audible big-smiling, + I should answer, I should tell you + With a white heart, tumpitumpy, + With a true tongue, honest Injun: + William Bryan, he has Caught It, + Caught the Whangdepootenawah! + + Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, + Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep, + Standing silent in the kneedeep + With his wing-tips crossed behind him + And his neck close-reefed before him, + With his bill, his william, buried + In the down upon his bosom, + With his head retracted inly, + While his shoulders overlook it? + Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, + Shiver grayly in the north wind, + Wishing he had died when little, + As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? + No 'tis not the Shankank standing, + Standing in the gray and dismal + Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. + No, 'tis peerless William Bryan + Realizing that he's Caught It, + Caught the Whangdepootenawah! + +WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some +difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are +said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other +people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff +palatable. + +WHITE, adj. and n. Black. + +WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to +take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one +of the most marked features of his character. + +WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union +as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift +to man. + +WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his +intellectual cookery by leaving it out. + +WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league +with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in +wickedness a league beyond the devil. + +WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom +noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." + +WOMAN, n. + + An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a + rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by + many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility + acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the + postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, + deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, + it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all + beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from + Greeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular + name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. + The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the + American variety (_felis pugnans_), is omnivorous and can be + taught not to talk. + +Balthasar Pober + + +WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw +material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the +Granitarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that +houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work +in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for +himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by +contrast the foreknown futility. + + Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! + How profitless the labor you bestow + Upon a dwelling whose magnificence + The tenant neither can admire nor know. + + Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, + The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan + By shouldering asunder all the stones + In what to you would be a moment's span. + + Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies + That when your marble is all dust, arise, + If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn -- + You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. + + What though of all man's works your tomb alone + Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? + Would it advantage you to dwell therein + Forever as a stain upon a stone? + +Joel Huck + + +WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and +fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an +element of pride. + +WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to +exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," +"the day of wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was +deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for +its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The Greeks +before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the +frying-pan of the wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath of +Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor +roasted. A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurred +the wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom +paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of +the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster. + + + +X + + + +X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility +to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will +doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten +dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, +as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the +corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name +-- _Xristos_. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. +Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra of +psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are +Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary. + + + +Y + + + +YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our +Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. +(See DAMNYANK.) + +YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. + +YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire +past of age. + But yesterday I should have thought me blest + To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak + Of middle life and look adown the bleak + And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, + Where solemn shadows all the land invest + And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak + Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak + The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. + Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame + To stay the shadow on the dial's face + At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name + I chide aloud the little interspace + Disparting me from Certitude, and fain + Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. + +Baruch Arnegriff + + + It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was +attended at different times by seven doctors. + +YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we owe +one of the most illuminating words in our language -- a word that +defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. +A thousand apologies for withholding it. + +YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, +Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of +endowing a living Homer. + + Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth + again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with + whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and + cows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice never + is heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and, + howling, is cast into Baltimost! + +Polydore Smith + + + + +Z + + + +ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with +ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the +ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters +of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as +we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an +example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another +excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the +rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the +devil. + +ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the +eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best +known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that +occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied +a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to +the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated +remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city +persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down +to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair +of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge +of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. +Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two great +nations, she was the Sultana. + +ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and +inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. + + When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward + He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" + "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down. + "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." + +Jum Coople + + +ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man +standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot +is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the +matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some +holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were +called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The +Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the +philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an +assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a +severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to +determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the +heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the +Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever +opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its +place among _fides defuncti_. + +ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter +and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers +who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to +have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought +that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his +monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives +are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he +worships under many sacred names. + +ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one +carrying the white man's burden. (From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, an +Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) + + He zedjagged so uncomen wyde + Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; + So, to com saufly thruh, I been + Constreynet for to doodge betwene. + +Munwele + + +ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including +its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_). The father of Zoology +was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother +has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious +expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we +learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated +Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Devil's Dictionary by Bierce + |