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diff --git a/972-h/972-h.htm b/972-h/972-h.htm index d7bc6d7..bcfb866 100644 --- a/972-h/972-h.htm +++ b/972-h/972-h.htm @@ -1,15 +1,14 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" -"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> <head> -<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> -<meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> -<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce</title> +<meta charset="utf-8"> +<title>The Devil's Dictionary | Project Gutenberg</title> +<link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> -<style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> +<style> -body { margin-left: 20%; - margin-right: 20%; +body { margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; text-align: justify; } h1, h2, h3, h4, h5 {text-align: center; font-style: normal; font-weight: @@ -39,8 +38,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} </style> </head> <body> -<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ***</div> - +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 972 ***</div> <h1> THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY </h1> @@ -49,11 +47,11 @@ a:hover {color:red} by Ambrose Bierce </h2> - <hr /> + <hr > <h2>CONTENTS</h2> -<table summary="" style=""> +<table> <tr> <td> <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> AUTHOR'S PREFACE </a></td> @@ -165,11 +163,11 @@ a:hover {color:red} </table> - <hr /> + <hr > <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0001"></a> AUTHOR'S PREFACE </h2> <p> @@ -216,7 +214,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0002"></a> A </h2> <p> @@ -232,7 +230,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: @@ -273,7 +271,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} <p> ABRACADABRA. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> By <i>Abracadabra</i> we signify An infinite number of things. 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? @@ -331,7 +329,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} <p> ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel @@ -350,7 +348,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. </pre> @@ -362,7 +360,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body is the woman. O, @@ -390,7 +388,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought You a total abstainer, my son." "So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught— @@ -429,7 +427,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} <p> ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "My accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," Said the Shah: "I do—'tis the only kind @@ -493,7 +491,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} <p> ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Consigned by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition. </pre> @@ -506,7 +504,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} <p> ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "The man was in such deep distress," Said Tom, "that I could do no less Than give him good advice." Said Jim: @@ -539,7 +537,7 @@ a:hover {color:red} <p> AIM, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" She tenderly inquired. @@ -564,7 +562,7 @@ AIM, n. ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the sins of man have wept; And sometimes kneeling in the temple I @@ -576,7 +574,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> ALLEGIANCE, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed @@ -600,7 +598,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> ALONE, adj. In bad company. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thought reveal That he the metal, she the stone, @@ -615,7 +613,7 @@ AIM, n. its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female tool. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice!—no god will claim @@ -640,7 +638,7 @@ AIM, n. ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. </pre> @@ -653,7 +651,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm @@ -674,7 +672,7 @@ AIM, n. APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth @@ -701,7 +699,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up— Salmon and flounders and smelts; @@ -736,7 +734,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. </pre> <p> @@ -746,7 +744,7 @@ AIM, n. ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, @@ -759,7 +757,7 @@ AIM, n. ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?— Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name! Straight arose @@ -803,7 +801,7 @@ AIM, n. and that which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: @@ -828,7 +826,7 @@ AIM, n. Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> <i>Facilis descensus Averni,</i> The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is that when down-hill I turn I @@ -842,7 +840,7 @@ AIM, n. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0003"></a> B </h2> <p> @@ -865,7 +863,7 @@ AIM, n. before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Ere babes were invented The girls were contented. Now man is tormented @@ -882,7 +880,7 @@ AIM, n. BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Is public worship, then, a sin, That for devotions paid to Bacchus The lictors dare to run us in, @@ -908,7 +906,7 @@ AIM, n. performed with water in two ways—by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let those immersed @@ -944,7 +942,7 @@ AIM, n. BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, @@ -974,7 +972,7 @@ AIM, n. BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Who is that, father? A mendicant, child, Haggard, morose, and unaffable—wild! @@ -1034,7 +1032,7 @@ AIM, n. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom's translation of the following lines from the <i>Dies Irae</i>: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Recordare, Jesu pie, Quod sum causa tuae viae. Ne me perdas illa die. @@ -1050,7 +1048,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she— @@ -1068,7 +1066,7 @@ AIM, n. BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (<i>Coma Berenices</i>) named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men—they honored so the dame— @@ -1118,7 +1116,7 @@ AIM, n. physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. The hyena. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, I and my comrades, four in all, When visiting a graveyard stood @@ -1168,7 +1166,7 @@ AIM, n. BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His @@ -1185,7 +1183,7 @@ AIM, n. priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, You sit there so calm and securely, @@ -1222,7 +1220,7 @@ AIM, n. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0004"></a> C </h2> <p> @@ -1287,7 +1285,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> As Death was a-riding out one day, Across Mount Carmel he took his way, Where he met a mendicant monk, @@ -1360,7 +1358,7 @@ AIM, n. CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> This is a dog, This is a cat. This is a frog, @@ -1380,7 +1378,7 @@ AIM, n. following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here @@ -1392,7 +1390,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> Thomas M. and Mary Frazer </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> P.S.—Gabriel will raise her. </pre> <p> @@ -1426,7 +1424,7 @@ AIM, n. who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! The godly multitudes walked to and fro Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, @@ -1476,7 +1474,7 @@ AIM, n. CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; @@ -1491,7 +1489,7 @@ AIM, n. CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson; "See me—I'm ready to divide @@ -1509,7 +1507,7 @@ AIM, n. of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from the anchorite, @@ -1537,7 +1535,7 @@ AIM, n. multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches @@ -1620,7 +1618,7 @@ AIM, n. CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> In controversy with the facile tongue— That bloodless warfare of the old and young— So seek your adversary to engage @@ -1660,7 +1658,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell! Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl @@ -1686,7 +1684,7 @@ AIM, n. CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the @@ -1708,7 +1706,7 @@ AIM, n. CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where saints, apparelled all in white, @@ -1733,7 +1731,7 @@ AIM, n. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, to dissuade from sin, parade @@ -1795,7 +1793,7 @@ AIM, n. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0005"></a> D </h2> <p> @@ -1818,7 +1816,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> DANGER, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But takes himself away by leaps @@ -1853,7 +1851,7 @@ AIM, n. <p> DEAD, adj. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad race run Through to the end; the golden goal @@ -1870,7 +1868,7 @@ AIM, n. DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, @@ -1889,7 +1887,7 @@ AIM, n. embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more. @@ -1927,7 +1925,7 @@ AIM, n. DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A leaf was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said he. @@ -1998,7 +1996,7 @@ AIM, n. Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, @@ -2021,7 +2019,7 @@ AIM, n. intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, "To-day the books are to be tried By experts and accountants who @@ -2075,7 +2073,7 @@ AIM, n. DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom and of wit. So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, @@ -2114,7 +2112,7 @@ AIM, n. found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. </pre> @@ -2145,7 +2143,7 @@ AIM, n. DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey; And if that fit observance e'er I shut @@ -2154,13 +2152,12 @@ AIM, n. <p> Israfel Brown </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> -DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. - Let us dissemble. -</pre> <p> - Adam + DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. </p> + <pre> + Let us dissemble.∺Adam + </pre> <p> DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep. @@ -2216,7 +2213,7 @@ DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and wish that it had been my lot To live my life out in some favored spot— @@ -2259,7 +2256,7 @@ DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him to take the king's head, @@ -2274,7 +2271,7 @@ DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0006"></a> E </h2> <p> @@ -2292,7 +2289,7 @@ DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free— @@ -2336,7 +2333,7 @@ DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, A gilded impostor is he. Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, @@ -2352,7 +2349,7 @@ DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. Suspected, Mendacious, Respected contemporaree! - J.H. Bumbleshook + J.H. Bumbleshook </pre> <p> EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the @@ -2368,7 +2365,7 @@ DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. <p> EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, One day with all his credentials came @@ -2399,7 +2396,7 @@ DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. effigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the following touching account of his life and services to science: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, @@ -2417,7 +2414,7 @@ light than a horse. dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat like this: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I only stay @@ -2438,7 +2435,7 @@ light than a horse. EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> He was a slave: at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, @@ -2471,7 +2468,7 @@ light than a horse. END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine; The seal of death was on his face— @@ -2488,7 +2485,7 @@ light than a horse. <p> ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Enough is as good as a feast—for that matter Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. </pre> @@ -2528,7 +2525,7 @@ light than a horse. some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To serve oneself is economy of administration. @@ -2550,7 +2547,7 @@ light than a horse. EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that, Who showed us life as all should live it; @@ -2559,7 +2556,7 @@ light than a horse. <p> ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and plan And only came by accident to grief— @@ -2580,7 +2577,7 @@ light than a horse. ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred @@ -2619,7 +2616,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Hail, high Excess—especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me— @@ -2638,7 +2635,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> EXCOMMUNICATION, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> This "excommunication" is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, @@ -2656,7 +2653,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, <i>The Lunarian Astonished</i>—Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be known whether it is constitutional? @@ -2705,14 +2702,14 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War with the whole world! </pre> <p> EXISTENCE, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge @@ -2722,7 +2719,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> To one who, journeying through night and fog, Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, @@ -2744,7 +2741,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0007"></a> F </h2> <p> @@ -2776,7 +2773,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Done to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famous aspired. Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, @@ -2788,7 +2785,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of passion; And straight his courtiers all did try @@ -2837,7 +2834,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and snails, @@ -2890,7 +2887,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief @@ -2916,7 +2913,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, @@ -2986,7 +2983,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once In a thick volume, and all authors known, If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, @@ -3026,7 +3023,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> FORCE, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Force is but might," the teacher said— "That definition's just." The boy said naught but thought instead, @@ -3068,7 +3065,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, @@ -3106,7 +3103,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; On every wind, indeed, that blows @@ -3152,7 +3149,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two. (High barometer maketh glad.) @@ -3194,7 +3191,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. life reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its devotees: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Old Nick was summoned to the skies. Said Peter: "Your intentions Are good, but you lack enterprise @@ -3215,7 +3212,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The savage dies—they sacrifice a horse To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. Our friends expire—we make the money fly @@ -3233,7 +3230,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0008"></a> G </h2> <p> @@ -3241,7 +3238,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows the reddest, The noblest place for man to die— @@ -3276,7 +3273,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, @@ -3289,7 +3286,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, In passing thence along the river Zam @@ -3316,7 +3313,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> He saw a ghost. It occupied—that dismal thing!— The path that he was following. @@ -3401,7 +3398,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A hunter from Kew caught a distant view Of a peacefully meditative gnu, And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue @@ -3432,7 +3429,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> GORGON, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That looked upon her awful brow. @@ -3456,7 +3453,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> GRAPE, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Hail noble fruit!—by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy praise is ever on the tongue @@ -3487,7 +3484,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Beside a lonely grave I stood— With brambles 'twas encumbered; The winds were moaning in the wood, @@ -3522,7 +3519,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> GREAT, adj. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "I'm great," the Lion said—"I reign The monarch of the wood and plain!" @@ -3607,7 +3604,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0009"></a> H </h2> <p> @@ -3718,7 +3715,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, @@ -3734,7 +3731,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring From all his subjects gold enough @@ -3819,7 +3816,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> HEAT, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know now how he's proving His point; but this I know—hot words bestowed @@ -3835,7 +3832,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's A Christian philosopher. I'm A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, @@ -3875,7 +3872,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin' She's niver assisted in what ye were at— @@ -3931,7 +3928,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, @@ -3969,7 +3966,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his normal purges and emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded @@ -3986,11 +3983,10 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. + + Biography of Bishop Potter </pre> <p> - <i>Biography of Bishop Potter</i> - </p> - <p> HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." @@ -3998,7 +3994,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left— Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat @@ -4007,11 +4003,10 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. + + Fogarty Weffing </pre> <p> - Fogarty Weffing - </p> - <p> HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging. </p> @@ -4044,7 +4039,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said: "I'll grovel @@ -4072,7 +4067,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined— Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, @@ -4111,7 +4106,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps— @@ -4129,7 +4124,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0010"></a> I </h2> <p> @@ -4145,7 +4140,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said: "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled— @@ -4181,7 +4176,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day to Dumble: @@ -4221,7 +4216,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And he had a head, the phrenologists said, @@ -4272,7 +4267,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> IMMORTALITY, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, @@ -4320,7 +4315,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. hands—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and dervise, "We consecrate your cash and lands @@ -4337,7 +4332,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> IMPROBABILITY, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt, @@ -4412,7 +4407,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, If—" here the Augur, smiling, made @@ -4540,7 +4535,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. <p> INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, "You've grown indifferent to all in life." "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; @@ -4616,7 +4611,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Two theologues once, as they wended their way To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray— An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, @@ -4656,7 +4651,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," The good philanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one day @@ -4721,7 +4716,7 @@ thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and by my body'll rise @@ -4751,7 +4746,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <p> INSECTIVORA, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: @@ -4765,7 +4760,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house—pray let me insure it. HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so @@ -4844,7 +4839,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew And having each a pleasant sense @@ -4879,7 +4874,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read thus: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to @@ -4905,7 +4900,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0012"></a> J </h2> <p> @@ -4937,7 +4932,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who entered the confessional @@ -4983,7 +4978,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0013"></a> K </h2> <p> @@ -5008,7 +5003,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <p> KEEP, v.t. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> He willed away his whole estate, And then in death he fell asleep, Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, @@ -5033,7 +5028,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester: "If I were you and you were I @@ -5055,7 +5050,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the ailing subjects and make them whole— </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> a crowd of wretched souls That stay his cure: their malady convinces The great essay of art; but at his touch, @@ -5067,7 +5062,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; for according to "Malcolm," </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> 'tis spoken To the succeeding royalty he leaves The healing benediction. @@ -5081,7 +5076,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national disorder is not a thing of yesterday. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. He layde his hand on mine and sayd: @@ -5096,7 +5091,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> strangely visited people, All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, The mere despair of surgery, @@ -5119,7 +5114,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <p> KNIGHT, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Once a warrior gentle of birth, Then a person of civic worth, Now a fellow to move our mirth. @@ -5142,7 +5137,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0014"></a> L </h2> <p> @@ -5159,7 +5154,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." of <i>terra firma</i> is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A life on the ocean wave, A home on the rolling deep, For the spark that nature gave @@ -5196,7 +5191,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown, So that I might forget his last @@ -5235,7 +5230,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <p> LAW, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! @@ -5271,7 +5266,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Hail, holy Lead!—of human feuds the great And universal arbiter; endowed With penetration to pierce any cloud @@ -5302,7 +5297,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" </pre> @@ -5362,7 +5357,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." unknown, the dictionary a creation which his Creator had not created him to create. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," And lexicographers arose, a swarm! Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, @@ -5381,7 +5376,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <p> LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; @@ -5409,7 +5404,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," Carelessly caroled the golden youth. In manhood still he maintained that view @@ -5427,7 +5422,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <p> LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced them tight To a very remarkable height— @@ -5531,7 +5526,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. Alas! we cannot know if this is true, @@ -5588,7 +5583,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather flattery than true reverence. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, Wedded a wandering English lord— Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," @@ -5656,7 +5651,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." in the former and more legitimate sense, that the word is used in the famous epitaph: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our eternal gain, For while he exercised all his powers @@ -5690,7 +5685,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And pick with care the disobedient wire. That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook @@ -5708,7 +5703,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0015"></a> M </h2> <p> @@ -5719,7 +5714,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> So plain the advantages of machination It constitutes a moral obligation, And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing @@ -5748,7 +5743,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses following were written by a macrobian: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> When I was young the world was fair And amiable and sunny. A brightness was in all the air, @@ -5871,7 +5866,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." that is audible, bleaten out of the field by the canary—which, also, is more portable. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang— This quaint, sweet song sang she; "It's O for a youth with a football bang @@ -5915,7 +5910,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> He swore that all other religions were gammon, And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. </pre> @@ -5929,7 +5924,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> When the world was young and Man was new, And everything was pleasant, Distinctions Nature never drew @@ -5986,7 +5981,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Material things I know, or feel, or see; All else is immaterial to me. </pre> @@ -6026,7 +6021,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." <p> MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is @@ -6035,18 +6030,17 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." Post-mortem inscription, But M is for Moses Who slew the Egyptian. + + The Biographical Alphabet </pre> <p> - <i>The Biographical Alphabet</i> - </p> - <p> MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been disclosed by the manufacturers. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> There was a youth (you've heard before, This woeful tale, may be), Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore @@ -6141,7 +6135,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> By misdemeanors he essays to climb Into the aristocracy of crime. O, woe was him!—with manner chill and grand @@ -6227,7 +6221,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The man who writes in Saxon Is the man to use an ax on </pre> @@ -6242,7 +6236,7 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The bones of Agammemnon are a show, And ruined is his royal monument, </pre> @@ -6252,17 +6246,17 @@ the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." dead"—that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those who have left no memory. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> -MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. -Having the quality of general expediency. + <p> + MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. + Having the quality of general expediency. + </p> +<pre> It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act - as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. - - <i>Gooke's Meditations</i> + as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence.—Gooke's Meditations. </pre> <p> MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. @@ -6314,7 +6308,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, @@ -6345,7 +6339,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0016"></a> N </h2> <p> @@ -6353,7 +6347,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Juno drank a cup of nectar, But the draught did not affect her. Juno drank a cup of rye— @@ -6422,7 +6416,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> There's a man with a Nose, And wherever he goes The people run from him and shout: @@ -6477,7 +6471,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0017"></a> O </h2> <p> @@ -6562,7 +6556,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. general inefficiency, as an <i>old man</i>. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an <i>old</i> book. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." Nature herself approves the Goby rule @@ -6585,7 +6579,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva's temple walls, Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, @@ -6608,7 +6602,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. audibilis</i> (or <i>Pithecanthropos stentor</i>)—the ape that howls. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The actor apes a man—at least in shape; The opera performer apes an ape. </pre> @@ -6622,7 +6616,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> How lonely he who thinks to vex With bandinage the Solemn Sex! Of levity, Mere Man, beware; @@ -6715,7 +6709,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A spelling reformer indicted For fudge was before the court cicted. The judge said: "Enough— @@ -6746,7 +6740,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> I climbed to the top of a mountain one day To see the sun setting in glory, And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, @@ -6782,7 +6776,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, But I thought it uncommonly queer, That people and critics by him had been led @@ -6799,7 +6793,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> OVEREAT, v. To dine. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, Well skilled to overeat without distress! Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, @@ -6827,7 +6821,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0018"></a> P </h2> <p> @@ -6934,7 +6928,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease? 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing @@ -6989,7 +6983,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare— @@ -7047,7 +7041,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, "To read the mind's construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, @@ -7071,7 +7065,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view— Taken from Life." If that description's true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. @@ -7082,7 +7076,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. </pre> <p> @@ -7091,7 +7085,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> (in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Cold pie is a detestable American comestible. That's why I'm done—or undone— @@ -7104,7 +7098,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. </pre> @@ -7256,7 +7250,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of possession. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> His light estate, if neither he did make it Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, Is portable improperty, I take it. @@ -7325,7 +7319,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. </pre> @@ -7367,7 +7361,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder, @@ -7415,7 +7409,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at the piccolo." </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with a solemn face: "The music was very uncommonly grand— @@ -7438,7 +7432,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater To have been a simple and undamned spectator. Behold in me a man of mark and note @@ -7467,7 +7461,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that— </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Stone walls do not a prison make," </pre> <p> @@ -7524,7 +7518,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes— O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where every prospect pleases, @@ -7558,7 +7552,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0019"></a> Q </h2> <p> @@ -7574,7 +7568,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> He extracted from his quiver, Did the controversial Roman, An argument well fitted @@ -7591,7 +7585,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> When ignorance from out of our lives can banish Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. </pre> @@ -7609,7 +7603,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Intent on making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible of Brewer, Then made a solemn vow that he would be @@ -7628,7 +7622,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0020"></a> R </h2> <p> @@ -7647,7 +7641,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked why. "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack @@ -7679,7 +7673,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash." "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! @@ -7704,7 +7698,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> This is a truth, as old as the hills, That life and experience teach: The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, @@ -7718,7 +7712,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what draws his laughter @@ -7802,7 +7796,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Fresh from the farm or factory or street, His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, Were an impressive martial spectacle @@ -7822,7 +7816,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, And take some special measure for redeeming it; Though hard indeed the task to get it in @@ -7851,7 +7845,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; <i>de trop</i>. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, @@ -7860,7 +7854,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> Habeeb Suleiman </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. </pre> <p> @@ -7924,7 +7918,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." "Then why do you not become an atheist?" @@ -7953,7 +7947,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> I touched the harp in every key, But found no heeding ear; And then Ithuriel touched me @@ -7981,7 +7975,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? How needless!—Nick will keep you off the coals @@ -8000,7 +7994,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew @@ -8043,7 +8037,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed A true renunciation Of title, rank and every kind @@ -8077,7 +8071,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Altgeld upon his incandescent bed Lay, an attendant demon at his head. @@ -8116,7 +8110,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. </pre> @@ -8136,7 +8130,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Alas, things ain't what we should see If Eve had let that apple be; And many a feller which had ought @@ -8169,7 +8163,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. imprudence of turning about to face Retribution when it is taking exercise: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? @@ -8196,7 +8190,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> REVIEW, v.t. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) At work upon a book, and so read out of it @@ -8244,20 +8238,20 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> RICHES, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." </pre> <p> John D. Rockefeller </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The reward of toil and virtue. </pre> <p> J.P. Morgan </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The savings of many in the hands of one. </pre> <p> @@ -8284,7 +8278,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. affirmed <i>in partibus infidelium</i> outside the enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir Abednego Bink, following: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? He surely were as stubborn as a mule @@ -8308,7 +8302,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic passage from which is here given: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and @@ -8329,7 +8323,7 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. <p> RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, @@ -8362,21 +8356,23 @@ Having the quality of general expediency. ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. </pre> <p> Borey the Bald </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> -ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. - It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling -companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, -and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once -there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he -was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." -</pre> + <p> + ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. + </p> + <p> + It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling + companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, + and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once + there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he + was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." + </p> <p> ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, as a @@ -8434,7 +8430,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <p> RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, O serviceable Rumor, let me wield @@ -8459,7 +8455,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0021"></a> S </h2> <p> @@ -8474,7 +8470,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." to (and down into) the sea it is reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water version of the Fourth Commandment: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. </pre> @@ -8502,7 +8498,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> All things are either sacred or profane. The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; The latter to the devil appertain. @@ -8526,7 +8522,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Once I seen a human ruin In an elevator-well, And his members was bestrewin' @@ -8667,7 +8663,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." sour-spirited knave, and his ever victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well— @@ -8697,7 +8693,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> A penny saved is a penny to squander. A man is known by the company that he organizes. @@ -8740,7 +8736,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <p> SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak tree. He'd traveled in a foreign land. @@ -8760,9 +8756,11 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, Gloom over the grave and then move on. Dead for a Scarabee! - Fernando Tapple </pre> <p> + Fernando Tapple + </p> + <p> SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself @@ -8786,7 +8784,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese of Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his @@ -8839,7 +8837,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." egotists was addressed in the lines following, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast You keep a record true Of every kind of peppered roast @@ -8900,7 +8898,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The devil casting a seine of lace, (With precious stones 'twas weighted) Drew it into the landing place @@ -8953,7 +8951,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay— @@ -8970,7 +8968,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> John Elmer Pettibone Cajee (I write of him with little glee) Was just as bad as he could be. @@ -9048,7 +9046,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" it is seen at its best: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The wheels go round without a sound— The maidens hold high revel; In sinful mood, insanely gay, @@ -9079,7 +9077,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of words. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry to light of day; Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort @@ -9301,7 +9299,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, "John A. Joyce." </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in prose and wear A crimson cravat, a far-away look @@ -9328,7 +9326,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased To fix itself upon a part diseased Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, @@ -9390,7 +9388,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; I hold that that's the stomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted @@ -9412,7 +9410,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0022"></a> T </h2> <p> @@ -9426,7 +9424,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, Took Madam P. to table, And there deliriously fed @@ -9464,7 +9462,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell had been annexed of late, @@ -9556,7 +9554,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Of such tenacity his grip That nothing from his hand can slip. Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm @@ -9635,10 +9633,9 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: </p> - <p> - TO MY PET TORTOISE - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> + TO MY PET TORTOISE + My friend, you are not graceful—not at all; Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. @@ -9712,7 +9709,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." bridge-girder) is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries: </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as @@ -9721,12 +9718,9 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye King his Majesty." And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr - tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne. + tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne.—Trauvells in ye Easte </pre> <p> - <i>Trauvells in ye Easte</i> - </p> - <p> TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who @@ -9842,7 +9836,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0023"></a> U </h2> <p> @@ -9914,7 +9908,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> His understanding was so keen That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, He could interpret without fail @@ -9942,7 +9936,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the rights of others. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> The owner of a powder mill Was musing on a distant hill— Something his mind foreboded— @@ -9970,7 +9964,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0024"></a> V </h2> <p> @@ -9988,7 +9982,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <p> VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> They say that hens do cackle loudest when There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; And there are hens, professing to have made @@ -10023,7 +10017,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0025"></a> W </h2> <p> @@ -10044,7 +10038,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!" Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; @@ -10075,7 +10069,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." had decreed his "stately pleasure dome"—when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in Xanadu—that he </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> heard from afar Ancestral voices prophesying war. </pre> @@ -10091,7 +10085,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to him it should be said that he did not want to. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> They took away his vote and gave instead The right, when he had earned, to <i>eat</i> his bread. In vain—he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, @@ -10113,7 +10107,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be— Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, @@ -10152,7 +10146,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Should you ask me whence this laughter, Whence this audible big-smiling, With its labial extension, @@ -10233,7 +10227,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <p> WOMAN, n. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility @@ -10259,7 +10253,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the foreknown futility. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! How profitless the labor you bestow Upon a dwelling whose magnificence @@ -10307,7 +10301,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0026"></a> X </h2> <p> @@ -10327,7 +10321,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0027"></a> Y </h2> <p> @@ -10341,7 +10335,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> But yesterday I should have thought me blest To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak Of middle life and look adown the bleak @@ -10375,7 +10369,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and @@ -10391,7 +10385,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." <div class="chapter"> - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"></a> + <h2><a id="link2H_4_0028"></a> Z </h2> <p> @@ -10422,7 +10416,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down. @@ -10462,7 +10456,7 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." carrying the white man's burden. (From <i>zed</i>, <i>z</i>, and <i>jag</i>, an Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> +<pre> He zedjagged so uncomen wyde Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; So, to com saufly thruh, I been @@ -10483,6 +10477,6 @@ was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." </div><!--end chapter--> -<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ***</div> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 972 ***</div> </body> </html> diff --git a/972-h/images/cover.jpg b/972-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3164cf6 --- /dev/null +++ b/972-h/images/cover.jpg |
