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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte +Scanned and proofed by David Price +ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + +The Tenant of Wildfell Hall + + + + +AUTHOR'S PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION + + + +While I acknowledge the success of the present work to have been +greater than I anticipated, and the praises it has elicited from a +few kind critics to have been greater than it deserved, I must also +admit that from some other quarters it has been censured with an +asperity which I was as little prepared to expect, and which my +judgment, as well as my feelings, assures me is more bitter than +just. It is scarcely the province of an author to refute the +arguments of his censors and vindicate his own productions; but I +may be allowed to make here a few observations with which I would +have prefaced the first edition, had I foreseen the necessity of +such precautions against the misapprehensions of those who would +read it with a prejudiced mind or be content to judge it by a hasty +glance. + +My object in writing the following pages was not simply to amuse +the Reader; neither was it to gratify my own taste, nor yet to +ingratiate myself with the Press and the Public: I wished to tell +the truth, for truth always conveys its own moral to those who are +able to receive it. But as the priceless treasure too frequently +hides at the bottom of a well, it needs some courage to dive for +it, especially as he that does so will be likely to incur more +scorn and obloquy for the mud and water into which he has ventured +to plunge, than thanks for the jewel he procures; as, in like +manner, she who undertakes the cleansing of a careless bachelor's +apartment will be liable to more abuse for the dust she raises than +commendation for the clearance she effects. Let it not be +imagined, however, that I consider myself competent to reform the +errors and abuses of society, but only that I would fain contribute +my humble quota towards so good an aim; and if I can gain the +public ear at all, I would rather whisper a few wholesome truths +therein than much soft nonsense. + +As the story of 'Agnes Grey' was accused of extravagant over- +colouring in those very parts that were carefully copied from the +life, with a most scrupulous avoidance of all exaggeration, so, in +the present work, I find myself censured for depicting CON AMORE, +with 'a morbid love of the coarse, if not of the brutal,' those +scenes which, I will venture to say, have not been more painful for +the most fastidious of my critics to read than they were for me to +describe. I may have gone too far; in which case I shall be +careful not to trouble myself or my readers in the same way again; +but when we have to do with vice and vicious characters, I maintain +it is better to depict them as they really are than as they would +wish to appear. To represent a bad thing in its least offensive +light is, doubtless, the most agreeable course for a writer of +fiction to pursue; but is it the most honest, or the safest? Is it +better to reveal the snares and pitfalls of life to the young and +thoughtless traveller, or to cover them with branches and flowers? +Oh, reader! if there were less of this delicate concealment of +facts - this whispering, 'Peace, peace,' when there is no peace, +there would be less of sin and misery to the young of both sexes +who are left to wring their bitter knowledge from experience. + +I would not be understood to suppose that the proceedings of the +unhappy scapegrace, with his few profligate companions I have here +introduced, are a specimen of the common practices of society - the +case is an extreme one, as I trusted none would fail to perceive; +but I know that such characters do exist, and if I have warned one +rash youth from following in their steps, or prevented one +thoughtless girl from falling into the very natural error of my +heroine, the book has not been written in vain. But, at the same +time, if any honest reader shall have derived more pain than +pleasure from its perusal, and have closed the last volume with a +disagreeable impression on his mind, I humbly crave his pardon, for +such was far from my intention; and I will endeavour to do better +another time, for I love to give innocent pleasure. Yet, be it +understood, I shall not limit my ambition to this - or even to +producing 'a perfect work of art': time and talents so spent, I +should consider wasted and misapplied. Such humble talents as God +has given me I will endeavour to put to their greatest use; if I am +able to amuse, I will try to benefit too; and when I feel it my +duty to speak an unpalatable truth, with the help of God, I WILL +speak it, though it be to the prejudice of my name and to the +detriment of my reader's immediate pleasure as well as my own. + +One word more, and I have done. Respecting the author's identity, +I would have it to he distinctly understood that Acton Bell is +neither Currer nor Ellis Bell, and therefore let not his faults be +attributed to them. As to whether the name be real or fictitious, +it cannot greatly signify to those who know him only by his works. +As little, I should think, can it matter whether the writer so +designated is a man, or a woman, as one or two of my critics +profess to have discovered. I take the imputation in good part, as +a compliment to the just delineation of my female characters; and +though I am bound to attribute much of the severity of my censors +to this suspicion, I make no effort to refute it, because, in my +own mind, I am satisfied that if a book is a good one, it is so +whatever the sex of the author may be. All novels are, or should +be, written for both men and women to read, and I am at a loss to +conceive how a man should permit himself to write anything that +would be really disgraceful to a woman, or why a woman should be +censured for writing anything that would be proper and becoming for +a man. + +JULY 22nd, 1848. + + + + +THE TENANT OF WILDFELL HALL + + + + +CHAPTER I + + + +You must go back with me to the autumn of 1827. + +My father, as you know, was a sort of gentleman farmer in -shire; +and I, by his express desire, succeeded him in the same quiet +occupation, not very willingly, for ambition urged me to higher +aims, and self-conceit assured me that, in disregarding its voice, +I was burying my talent in the earth, and hiding my light under a +bushel. My mother had done her utmost to persuade me that I was +capable of great achievements; but my father, who thought ambition +was the surest road to ruin, and change but another word for +destruction, would listen to no scheme for bettering either my own +condition, or that of my fellow mortals. He assured me it was all +rubbish, and exhorted me, with his dying breath, to continue in the +good old way, to follow his steps, and those of his father before +him, and let my highest ambition be to walk honestly through the +world, looking neither to the right hand nor to the left, and to +transmit the paternal acres to my children in, at least, as +flourishing a condition as he left them to me. + +'Well! - an honest and industrious farmer is one of the most useful +members of society; and if I devote my talents to the cultivation +of my farm, and the improvement of agriculture in general, I shall +thereby benefit, not only my own immediate connections and +dependants, but, in some degree, mankind at large:- hence I shall +not have lived in vain.' With such reflections as these I was +endeavouring to console myself, as I plodded home from the fields, +one cold, damp, cloudy evening towards the close of October. But +the gleam of a bright red fire through the parlour window had more +effect in cheering my spirits, and rebuking my thankless repinings, +than all the sage reflections and good resolutions I had forced my +mind to frame; - for I was young then, remember - only four-and- +twenty - and had not acquired half the rule over my own spirit that +I now possess - trifling as that may be. + +However, that haven of bliss must not be entered till I had +exchanged my miry boots for a clean pair of shoes, and my rough +surtout for a respectable coat, and made myself generally +presentable before decent society; for my mother, with all her +kindness, was vastly particular on certain points. + +In ascending to my room I was met upon the stairs by a smart, +pretty girl of nineteen, with a tidy, dumpy figure, a round face, +bright, blooming cheeks, glossy, clustering curls, and little merry +brown eyes. I need not tell you this was my sister Rose. She is, +I know, a comely matron still, and, doubtless, no less lovely - in +your eyes - than on the happy day you first beheld her. Nothing +told me then that she, a few years hence, would be the wife of one +entirely unknown to me as yet, but destined hereafter to become a +closer friend than even herself, more intimate than that unmannerly +lad of seventeen, by whom I was collared in the passage, on coming +down, and well-nigh jerked off my equilibrium, and who, in +correction for his impudence, received a resounding whack over the +sconce, which, however, sustained no serious injury from the +infliction; as, besides being more than commonly thick, it was +protected by a redundant shock of short, reddish curls, that my +mother called auburn. + +On entering the parlour we found that honoured lady seated in her +arm-chair at the fireside, working away at her knitting, according +to her usual custom, when she had nothing else to do. She had +swept the hearth, and made a bright blazing fire for our reception; +the servant had just brought in the tea-tray; and Rose was +producing the sugar-basin and tea-caddy from the cupboard in the +black oak side-board, that shone like polished ebony, in the +cheerful parlour twilight. + +'Well! here they both are,' cried my mother, looking round upon us +without retarding the motion of her nimble fingers and glittering +needles. 'Now shut the door, and come to the fire, while Rose gets +the tea ready; I'm sure you must be starved; - and tell me what +you've been about all day; - I like to know what my children have +been about.' + +'I've been breaking in the grey colt - no easy business that - +directing the ploughing of the last wheat stubble - for the +ploughboy has not the sense to direct himself - and carrying out a +plan for the extensive and efficient draining of the low +meadowlands.' + +'That's my brave boy! - and Fergus, what have you been doing?' + +'Badger-baiting.' + +And here he proceeded to give a particular account of his sport, +and the respective traits of prowess evinced by the badger and the +dogs; my mother pretending to listen with deep attention, and +watching his animated countenance with a degree of maternal +admiration I thought highly disproportioned to its object. + +'It's time you should be doing something else, Fergus,' said I, as +soon as a momentary pause in his narration allowed me to get in a +word. + +'What can I do?' replied he; 'my mother won't let me go to sea or +enter the army; and I'm determined to do nothing else - except make +myself such a nuisance to you all, that you will be thankful to get +rid of me on any terms.' + +Our parent soothingly stroked his stiff, short curls. He growled, +and tried to look sulky, and then we all took our seats at the +table, in obedience to the thrice-repeated summons of Rose. + +'Now take your tea,' said she; 'and I'll tell you what I've been +doing. I've been to call on the Wilsons; and it's a thousand +pities you didn't go with me, Gilbert, for Eliza Millward was +there!' + +'Well! what of her?' + +'Oh, nothing! - I'm not going to tell you about her; - only that +she's a nice, amusing little thing, when she is in a merry humour, +and I shouldn't mind calling her - ' + +'Hush, hush, my dear! your brother has no such idea!' whispered my +mother earnestly, holding up her finger. + +'Well,' resumed Rose; 'I was going to tell you an important piece +of news I heard there - I have been bursting with it ever since. +You know it was reported a month ago, that somebody was going to +take Wildfell Hall - and - what do you think? It has actually been +inhabited above a week! - and we never knew!' + +'Impossible!' cried my mother. + +'Preposterous!!!' shrieked Fergus. + +'It has indeed! - and by a single lady!' + +'Good gracious, my dear! The place is in ruins!' + +'She has had two or three rooms made habitable; and there she +lives, all alone - except an old woman for a servant!' + +'Oh, dear! that spoils it - I'd hoped she was a witch,' observed +Fergus, while carving his inch-thick slice of bread and butter. + +'Nonsense, Fergus! But isn't it strange, mamma?' + +'Strange! I can hardly believe it.' + +'But you may believe it; for Jane Wilson has seen her. She went +with her mother, who, of course, when she heard of a stranger being +in the neighbourhood, would be on pins and needles till she had +seen her and got all she could out of her. She is called Mrs. +Graham, and she is in mourning - not widow's weeds, but slightish +mourning - and she is quite young, they say, - not above five or +six and twenty, - but so reserved! They tried all they could to +find out who she was and where she came from, and, all about her, +but neither Mrs. Wilson, with her pertinacious and impertinent +home-thrusts, nor Miss Wilson, with her skilful manoeuvring, could +manage to elicit a single satisfactory answer, or even a casual +remark, or chance expression calculated to allay their curiosity, +or throw the faintest ray of light upon her history, circumstances, +or connections. Moreover, she was barely civil to them, and +evidently better pleased to say 'good-by,' than 'how do you do.' +But Eliza Millward says her father intends to call upon her soon, +to offer some pastoral advice, which he fears she needs, as, though +she is known to have entered the neighbourhood early last week, she +did not make her appearance at church on Sunday; and she - Eliza, +that is - will beg to accompany him, and is sure she can succeed in +wheedling something out of her - you know, Gilbert, she can do +anything. And we should call some time, mamma; it's only proper, +you know.' + +'Of course, my dear. Poor thing! How lonely she must feel!' + +'And pray, be quick about it; and mind you bring me word how much +sugar she puts in her tea, and what sort of caps and aprons she +wears, and all about it; for I don't know how I can live till I +know,' said Fergus, very gravely. + +But if he intended the speech to be hailed as a master-stroke of +wit, he signally failed, for nobody laughed. However, he was not +much disconcerted at that; for when he had taken a mouthful of +bread and butter and was about to swallow a gulp of tea, the humour +of the thing burst upon him with such irresistible force, that he +was obliged to jump up from the table, and rush snorting and +choking from the room; and a minute after, was heard screaming in +fearful agony in the garden. + +As for me, I was hungry, and contented myself with silently +demolishing the tea, ham, and toast, while my mother and sister +went on talking, and continued to discuss the apparent or non- +apparent circumstances, and probable or improbable history of the +mysterious lady; but I must confess that, after my brother's +misadventure, I once or twice raised the cup to my lips, and put it +down again without daring to taste the contents, lest I should +injure my dignity by a similar explosion. + +The next day my mother and Rose hastened to pay their compliments +to the fair recluse; and came back but little wiser than they went; +though my mother declared she did not regret the journey, for if +she had not gained much good, she flattered herself she had +imparted some, and that was better: she had given some useful +advice, which, she hoped, would not be thrown away; for Mrs. +Graham, though she said little to any purpose, and appeared +somewhat self-opinionated, seemed not incapable of reflection, - +though she did not know where she had been all her life, poor +thing, for she betrayed a lamentable ignorance on certain points, +and had not even the sense to be ashamed of it. + +'On what points, mother?' asked I. + +'On household matters, and all the little niceties of cookery, and +such things, that every lady ought to be familiar with, whether she +be required to make a practical use of her knowledge or not. I +gave her some useful pieces of information, however, and several +excellent receipts, the value of which she evidently could not +appreciate, for she begged I would not trouble myself, as she lived +in such a plain, quiet way, that she was sure she should never make +use of them. "No matter, my dear," said I; "it is what every +respectable female ought to know; - and besides, though you are +alone now, you will not be always so; you have been married, and +probably - I might say almost certainly - will be again." "You are +mistaken there, ma'am," said she, almost haughtily; "I am certain I +never shall." - But I told her I knew better.' + +'Some romantic young widow, I suppose,' said I, 'come there to end +her days in solitude, and mourn in secret for the dear departed - +but it won't last long.' + +'No, I think not,' observed Rose; 'for she didn't seem very +disconsolate after all; and she's excessively pretty - handsome +rather - you must see her, Gilbert; you will call her a perfect +beauty, though you could hardly pretend to discover a resemblance +between her and Eliza Millward.' + +'Well, I can imagine many faces more beautiful than Eliza's, though +not more charming. I allow she has small claims to perfection; but +then, I maintain that, if she were more perfect, she would be less +interesting.' + +'And so you prefer her faults to other people's perfections?' + +'Just so - saving my mother's presence.' + +'Oh, my dear Gilbert, what nonsense you talk! - I know you don't +mean it; it's quite out of the question,' said my mother, getting +up, and bustling out of the room, under pretence of household +business, in order to escape the contradiction that was trembling +on my tongue. + +After that Rose favoured me with further particulars respecting +Mrs. Graham. Her appearance, manners, and dress, and the very +furniture of the room she inhabited, were all set before me, with +rather more clearness and precision than I cared to see them; but, +as I was not a very attentive listener, I could not repeat the +description if I would. + +The next day was Saturday; and, on Sunday, everybody wondered +whether or not the fair unknown would profit by the vicar's +remonstrance, and come to church. I confess I looked with some +interest myself towards the old family pew, appertaining to +Wildfell Hall, where the faded crimson cushions and lining had been +unpressed and unrenewed so many years, and the grim escutcheons, +with their lugubrious borders of rusty black cloth, frowned so +sternly from the wall above. + +And there I beheld a tall, lady-like figure, clad in black. Her +face was towards me, and there was something in it which, once +seen, invited me to look again. Her hair was raven black, and +disposed in long glossy ringlets, a style of coiffure rather +unusual in those days, but always graceful and becoming; her +complexion was clear and pale; her eyes I could not see, for, being +bent upon her prayer-book, they were concealed by their drooping +lids and long black lashes, but the brows above were expressive and +well defined; the forehead was lofty and intellectual, the nose, a +perfect aquiline and the features, in general, unexceptionable - +only there was a slight hollowness about the cheeks and eyes, and +the lips, though finely formed, were a little too thin, a little +too firmly compressed, and had something about them that betokened, +I thought, no very soft or amiable temper; and I said in my heart - +'I would rather admire you from this distance, fair lady, than be +the partner of your home.' + +Just then she happened to raise her eyes, and they met mine; I did +not choose to withdraw my gaze, and she turned again to her book, +but with a momentary, indefinable expression of quiet scorn, that +was inexpressibly provoking to me. + +'She thinks me an impudent puppy,' thought I. 'Humph! - she shall +change her mind before long, if I think it worth while.' + +But then it flashed upon me that these were very improper thoughts +for a place of worship, and that my behaviour, on the present +occasion, was anything but what it ought to be. Previous, however, +to directing my mind to the service, I glanced round the church to +see if any one had been observing me; - but no, - all, who were not +attending to their prayer-books, were attending to the strange +lady, - my good mother and sister among the rest, and Mrs. Wilson +and her daughter; and even Eliza Millward was slily glancing from +the corners of her eyes towards the object of general attraction. +Then she glanced at me, simpered a little, and blushed, modestly +looked at her prayer-book, and endeavoured to compose her features. + +Here I was transgressing again; and this time I was made sensible +of it by a sudden dig in the ribs, from the elbow of my pert +brother. For the present, I could only resent the insult by +pressing my foot upon his toes, deferring further vengeance till we +got out of church. + +Now, Halford, before I close this letter, I'll tell you who Eliza +Millward was: she was the vicar's younger daughter, and a very +engaging little creature, for whom I felt no small degree of +partiality; - and she knew it, though I had never come to any +direct explanation, and had no definite intention of so doing, for +my mother, who maintained there was no one good enough for me +within twenty miles round, could not bear the thoughts of my +marrying that insignificant little thing, who, in addition to her +numerous other disqualifications, had not twenty pounds to call her +own. Eliza's figure was at once slight and plump, her face small, +and nearly as round as my sister's, - complexion, something similar +to hers, but more delicate and less decidedly blooming, - nose, +retrousse, - features, generally irregular; and, altogether, she +was rather charming than pretty. But her eyes - I must not forget +those remarkable features, for therein her chief attraction lay - +in outward aspect at least; - they were long and narrow in shape, +the irids black, or very dark brown, the expression various, and +ever changing, but always either preternaturally - I had almost +said diabolically - wicked, or irresistibly bewitching - often +both. Her voice was gentle and childish, her tread light and soft +as that of a cat:- but her manners more frequently resembled those +of a pretty playful kitten, that is now pert and roguish, now timid +and demure, according to its own sweet will. + +Her sister, Mary, was several years older, several inches taller, +and of a larger, coarser build - a plain, quiet, sensible girl, who +had patiently nursed their mother, through her last long, tedious +illness, and been the housekeeper, and family drudge, from thence +to the present time. She was trusted and valued by her father, +loved and courted by all dogs, cats, children, and poor people, and +slighted and neglected by everybody else. + +The Reverend Michael Millward himself was a tall, ponderous elderly +gentleman, who placed a shovel hat above his large, square, +massive-featured face, carried a stout walking-stick in his hand, +and incased his still powerful limbs in knee-breeches and gaiters, +- or black silk stockings on state occasions. He was a man of +fixed principles, strong prejudices, and regular habits, intolerant +of dissent in any shape, acting under a firm conviction that his +opinions were always right, and whoever differed from them must be +either most deplorably ignorant, or wilfully blind. + +In childhood, I had always been accustomed to regard him with a +feeling of reverential awe - but lately, even now, surmounted, for, +though he had a fatherly kindness for the well-behaved, he was a +strict disciplinarian, and had often sternly reproved our juvenile +failings and peccadilloes; and moreover, in those days, whenever he +called upon our parents, we had to stand up before him, and say our +catechism, or repeat, 'How doth the little busy bee,' or some other +hymn, or - worse than all - be questioned about his last text, and +the heads of the discourse, which we never could remember. +Sometimes, the worthy gentleman would reprove my mother for being +over-indulgent to her sons, with a reference to old Eli, or David +and Absalom, which was particularly galling to her feelings; and, +very highly as she respected him, and all his sayings, I once heard +her exclaim, 'I wish to goodness he had a son himself! He wouldn't +be so ready with his advice to other people then; - he'd see what +it is to have a couple of boys to keep in order.' + +He had a laudable care for his own bodily health - kept very early +hours, regularly took a walk before breakfast, was vastly +particular about warm and dry clothing, had never been known to +preach a sermon without previously swallowing a raw egg - albeit he +was gifted with good lungs and a powerful voice, - and was, +generally, extremely particular about what he ate and drank, though +by no means abstemious, and having a mode of dietary peculiar to +himself, - being a great despiser of tea and such slops, and a +patron of malt liquors, bacon and eggs, ham, hung beef, and other +strong meats, which agreed well enough with his digestive organs, +and therefore were maintained by him to be good and wholesome for +everybody, and confidently recommended to the most delicate +convalescents or dyspeptics, who, if they failed to derive the +promised benefit from his prescriptions, were told it was because +they had not persevered, and if they complained of inconvenient +results therefrom, were assured it was all fancy. + +I will just touch upon two other persons whom I have mentioned, and +then bring this long letter to a close. These are Mrs. Wilson and +her daughter. The former was the widow of a substantial farmer, a +narrow-minded, tattling old gossip, whose character is not worth +describing. She had two sons, Robert, a rough countrified farmer, +and Richard, a retiring, studious young man, who was studying the +classics with the vicar's assistance, preparing for college, with a +view to enter the church. + +Their sister Jane was a young lady of some talents, and more +ambition. She had, at her own desire, received a regular boarding- +school education, superior to what any member of the family had +obtained before. She had taken the polish well, acquired +considerable elegance of manners, quite lost her provincial accent, +and could boast of more accomplishments than the vicar's daughters. +She was considered a beauty besides; but never for a moment could +she number me amongst her admirers. She was about six and twenty, +rather tall and very slender, her hair was neither chestnut nor +auburn, but a most decided bright, light red; her complexion was +remarkably fair and brilliant, her head small, neck long, chin well +turned, but very short, lips thin and red, eyes clear hazel, quick, +and penetrating, but entirely destitute of poetry or feeling. She +had, or might have had, many suitors in her own rank of life, but +scornfully repulsed or rejected them all; for none but a gentleman +could please her refined taste, and none but a rich one could +satisfy her soaring ambition. One gentleman there was, from whom +she had lately received some rather pointed attentions, and upon +whose heart, name, and fortune, it was whispered, she had serious +designs. This was Mr. Lawrence, the young squire, whose family had +formerly occupied Wildfell Hall, but had deserted it, some fifteen +years ago, for a more modern and commodious mansion in the +neighbouring parish. + +Now, Halford, I bid you adieu for the present. This is the first +instalment of my debt. If the coin suits you, tell me so, and I'll +send you the rest at my leisure: if you would rather remain my +creditor than stuff your purse with such ungainly, heavy pieces, - +tell me still, and I'll pardon your bad taste, and willingly keep +the treasure to myself. + +Yours immutably, + +GILBERT MARKHAM. + + + +CHAPTER II + + + +I perceive, with joy, my most valued friend, that the cloud of your +displeasure has passed away; the light of your countenance blesses +me once more, and you desire the continuation of my story: +therefore, without more ado, you shall have it. + +I think the day I last mentioned was a certain Sunday, the latest +in the October of 1827. On the following Tuesday I was out with my +dog and gun, in pursuit of such game as I could find within the +territory of Linden-Car; but finding none at all, I turned my arms +against the hawks and carrion crows, whose depredations, as I +suspected, had deprived me of better prey. To this end I left the +more frequented regions, the wooded valleys, the corn-fields, and +the meadow-lands, and proceeded to mount the steep acclivity of +Wildfell, the wildest and the loftiest eminence in our +neighbourhood, where, as you ascend, the hedges, as well as the +trees, become scanty and stunted, the former, at length, giving +place to rough stone fences, partly greened over with ivy and moss, +the latter to larches and Scotch fir-trees, or isolated +blackthorns. The fields, being rough and stony, and wholly unfit +for the plough, were mostly devoted to the posturing of sheep and +cattle; the soil was thin and poor: bits of grey rock here and +there peeped out from the grassy hillocks; bilberry-plants and +heather - relics of more savage wildness - grew under the walls; +and in many of the enclosures, ragweeds and rushes usurped +supremacy over the scanty herbage; but these were not my property. + +Near the top of this hill, about two miles from Linden-Car, stood +Wildfell Hall, a superannuated mansion of the Elizabethan era, +built of dark grey stone, venerable and picturesque to look at, but +doubtless, cold and gloomy enough to inhabit, with its thick stone +mullions and little latticed panes, its time-eaten air-holes, and +its too lonely, too unsheltered situation, - only shielded from the +war of wind and weather by a group of Scotch firs, themselves half +blighted with storms, and looking as stern and gloomy as the Hall +itself. Behind it lay a few desolate fields, and then the brown +heath-clad summit of the hill; before it (enclosed by stone walls, +and entered by an iron gate, with large balls of grey granite - +similar to those which decorated the roof and gables - surmounting +the gate-posts) was a garden, - once stocked with such hard plants +and flowers as could best brook the soil and climate, and such +trees and shrubs as could best endure the gardener's torturing +shears, and most readily assume the shapes he chose to give them, - +now, having been left so many years untilled and untrimmed, +abandoned to the weeds and the grass, to the frost and the wind, +the rain and the drought, it presented a very singular appearance +indeed. The close green walls of privet, that had bordered the +principal walk, were two-thirds withered away, and the rest grown +beyond all reasonable bounds; the old boxwood swan, that sat beside +the scraper, had lost its neck and half its body: the castellated +towers of laurel in the middle of the garden, the gigantic warrior +that stood on one side of the gateway, and the lion that guarded +the other, were sprouted into such fantastic shapes as resembled +nothing either in heaven or earth, or in the waters under the +earth; but, to my young imagination, they presented all of them a +goblinish appearance, that harmonised well with the ghostly legions +and dark traditions our old nurse had told us respecting the +haunted hall and its departed occupants. + +I had succeeded in killing a hawk and two crows when I came within +sight of the mansion; and then, relinquishing further depredations, +I sauntered on, to have a look at the old place, and see what +changes had been wrought in it by its new inhabitant. I did not +like to go quite to the front and stare in at the gate; but I +paused beside the garden wall, and looked, and saw no change - +except in one wing, where the broken windows and dilapidated roof +had evidently been repaired, and where a thin wreath of smoke was +curling up from the stack of chimneys. + +While I thus stood, leaning on my gun, and looking up at the dark +gables, sunk in an idle reverie, weaving a tissue of wayward +fancies, in which old associations and the fair young hermit, now +within those walls, bore a nearly equal part, I heard a slight +rustling and scrambling just within the garden; and, glancing in +the direction whence the sound proceeded, I beheld a tiny hand +elevated above the wall: it clung to the topmost stone, and then +another little hand was raised to take a firmer hold, and then +appeared a small white forehead, surmounted with wreaths of light +brown hair, with a pair of deep blue eyes beneath, and the upper +portion of a diminutive ivory nose. + +The eyes did not notice me, but sparkled with glee on beholding +Sancho, my beautiful black and white setter, that was coursing +about the field with its muzzle to the ground. The little creature +raised its face and called aloud to the dog. The good-natured +animal paused, looked up, and wagged his tail, but made no further +advances. The child (a little boy, apparently about five years +old) scrambled up to the top of the wall, and called again and +again; but finding this of no avail, apparently made up his mind, +like Mahomet, to go to the mountain, since the mountain would not +come to him, and attempted to get over; but a crabbed old cherry- +tree, that grew hard by, caught him by the frock in one of its +crooked scraggy arms that stretched over the wall. In attempting +to disengage himself his foot slipped, and down he tumbled - but +not to the earth; - the tree still kept him suspended. There was a +silent struggle, and then a piercing shriek; - but, in an instant, +I had dropped my gun on the grass, and caught the little fellow in +my arms. + +I wiped his eyes with his frock, told him he was all right and +called Sancho to pacify him. He was just putting little hand on +the dog's neck and beginning to smile through his tears, when I +heard behind me a click of the iron gate, and a rustle of female +garments, and lo! Mrs. Graham darted upon me - her neck uncovered, +her black locks streaming in the wind. + +'Give me the child!' she said, in a voice scarce louder than a +whisper, but with a tone of startling vehemence, and, seizing the +boy, she snatched him from me, as if some dire contamination were +in my touch, and then stood with one hand firmly clasping his, the +other on his shoulder, fixing upon me her large, luminous dark eyes +- pale, breathless, quivering with agitation. + +'I was not harming the child, madam,' said I, scarce knowing +whether to be most astonished or displeased; 'he was tumbling off +the wall there; and I was so fortunate as to catch him, while he +hung suspended headlong from that tree, and prevent I know not what +catastrophe.' + +'I beg your pardon, sir,' stammered she; - suddenly calming down, - +the light of reason seeming to break upon her beclouded spirit, and +a faint blush mantling on her cheek - 'I did not know you; - and I +thought - ' + +She stooped to kiss the child, and fondly clasped her arm round his +neck. + +'You thought I was going to kidnap your son, I suppose?' + +She stroked his head with a half-embarrassed laugh, and replied, - +'I did not know he had attempted to climb the wall. - I have the +pleasure of addressing Mr. Markham, I believe?' she added, somewhat +abruptly. + +I bowed, but ventured to ask how she knew me. + +'Your sister called here, a few days ago, with Mrs. Markham.' + +'Is the resemblance so strong then?' I asked, in some surprise, and +not so greatly flattered at the idea as I ought to have been. + +'There is a likeness about the eyes and complexion I think,' +replied she, somewhat dubiously surveying my face; - 'and I think I +saw you at church on Sunday.' + +I smiled. - There was something either in that smile or the +recollections it awakened that was particularly displeasing to her, +for she suddenly assumed again that proud, chilly look that had so +unspeakably roused my aversion at church - a look of repellent +scorn, so easily assumed, and so entirely without the least +distortion of a single feature, that, while there, it seemed like +the natural expression of the face, and was the more provoking to +me, because I could not think it affected. + +'Good-morning, Mr. Markham,' said she; and without another word or +glance, she withdrew, with her child, into the garden; and I +returned home, angry and dissatisfied - I could scarcely tell you +why, and therefore will not attempt it. + +I only stayed to put away my gun and powder-horn, and give some +requisite directions to one of the farming-men, and then repaired +to the vicarage, to solace my spirit and soothe my ruffled temper +with the company and conversation of Eliza Millward. + +I found her, as usual, busy with some piece of soft embroidery (the +mania for Berlin wools had not yet commenced), while her sister was +seated at the chimney-corner, with the cat on her knee, mending a +heap of stockings. + +'Mary - Mary! put them away!' Eliza was hastily saying, just as I +entered the room. + +'Not I, indeed!' was the phlegmatic reply; and my appearance +prevented further discussion. + +'You're so unfortunate, Mr. Markham!' observed the younger sister, +with one of her arch, sidelong glances. 'Papa's just gone out into +the parish, and not likely to be back for an hour!' + +'Never mind; I can manage to spend a few minutes with his +daughters, if they'll allow me,' said I, bringing a chair to the +fire, and seating myself therein, without waiting to be asked. + +'Well, if you'll be very good and amusing, we shall not object.' + +'Let your permission be unconditional, pray; for I came not to give +pleasure, but to seek it,' I answered. + +However, I thought it but reasonable to make some slight exertion +to render my company agreeable; and what little effort I made, was +apparently pretty successful, for Miss Eliza was never in a better +humour. We seemed, indeed, to be mutually pleased with each other, +and managed to maintain between us a cheerful and animated though +not very profound conversation. It was little better than a TETE- +E-TETE, for Miss Millward never opened her lips, except +occasionally to correct some random assertion or exaggerated +expression of her sister's, and once to ask her to pick up the ball +of cotton that had rolled under the table. I did this myself, +however, as in duty bound. + +'Thank you, Mr. Markham,' said she, as I presented it to her. 'I +would have picked it up myself; only I did not want to disturb the +cat.' + +'Mary, dear, that won't excuse you in Mr. Markham's eyes,' said +Eliza; 'he hates cats, I daresay, as cordially as he does old maids +- like all other gentlemen. Don't you, Mr. Markham?' + +'I believe it is natural for our unamiable sex to dislike the +creatures,' replied I; 'for you ladies lavish so many caresses upon +them.' + +'Bless them - little darlings!' cried she, in a sudden burst of +enthusiasm, turning round and overwhelming her sister's pet with a +shower of kisses. + +'Don't, Eliza!' said Miss Millward, somewhat gruffly, as she +impatiently pushed her away. + +But it was time for me to be going: make what haste I would, I +should still be too late for tea; and my mother was the soul of +order and punctuality. + +My fair friend was evidently unwilling to bid me adieu. I tenderly +squeezed her little hand at parting; and she repaid me with one of +her softest smiles and most bewitching glances. I went home very +happy, with a heart brimful of complacency for myself, and +overflowing with love for Eliza. + + + +CHAPTER III + + + +Two days after, Mrs. Graham called at Linden-Car, contrary to the +expectation of Rose, who entertained an idea that the mysterious +occupant of Wildfell Hall would wholly disregard the common +observances of civilized life, - in which opinion she was supported +by the Wilsons, who testified that neither their call nor the +Millwards' had been returned as yet. Now, however, the cause of +that omission was explained, though not entirely to the +satisfaction of Rose. Mrs. Graham had brought her child with her, +and on my mother's expressing surprise that he could walk so far, +she replied, - 'It is a long walk for him; but I must have either +taken him with me, or relinquished the visit altogether; for I +never leave him alone; and I think, Mrs. Markham, I must beg you to +make my excuses to the Millwards and Mrs. Wilson, when you see +them, as I fear I cannot do myself the pleasure of calling upon +them till my little Arthur is able to accompany me.' + +'But you have a servant,' said Rose; 'could you not leave him with +her?' + +'She has her own occupations to attend to; and besides, she is too +old to run after a child, and he is too mercurial to be tied to an +elderly woman.' + +'But you left him to come to church.' + +'Yes, once; but I would not have left him for any other purpose; +and I think, in future, I must contrive to bring him with me, or +stay at home.' + +'Is he so mischievous?' asked my mother, considerably shocked. + +'No,' replied the lady, sadly smiling, as she stroked the wavy +locks of her son, who was seated on a low stool at her feet; 'but +he is my only treasure, and I am his only friend: so we don't like +to be separated.' + +'But, my dear, I call that doting,' said my plain-spoken parent. +'You should try to suppress such foolish fondness, as well to save +your son from ruin as yourself from ridicule.' + +'Ruin! Mrs. Markham!' + +'Yes; it is spoiling the child. Even at his age, he ought not to +be always tied to his mother's apron-string; he should learn to be +ashamed of it.' + +'Mrs. Markham, I beg you will not say such things, in his presence, +at least. I trust my son will never be ashamed to love his +mother!' said Mrs. Graham, with a serious energy that startled the +company. + +My mother attempted to appease her by an explanation; but she +seemed to think enough had been said on the subject, and abruptly +turned the conversation. + +'Just as I thought,' said I to myself: 'the lady's temper is none +of the mildest, notwithstanding her sweet, pale face and lofty +brow, where thought and suffering seem equally to have stamped +their impress.' + +All this time I was seated at a table on the other side of the +room, apparently immersed in the perusal of a volume of the +FARMER'S MAGAZINE, which I happened to have been reading at the +moment of our visitor's arrival; and, not choosing to be over +civil, I had merely bowed as she entered, and continued my +occupation as before. + +In a little while, however, I was sensible that some one was +approaching me, with a light, but slow and hesitating tread. It +was little Arthur, irresistibly attracted by my dog Sancho, that +was lying at my feet. On looking up I beheld him standing about +two yards off, with his clear blue eyes wistfully gazing on the +dog, transfixed to the spot, not by fear of the animal, but by a +timid disinclination to approach its master. A little +encouragement, however, induced him to come forward. The child, +though shy, was not sullen. In a minute he was kneeling on the +carpet, with his arms round Sancho's neck, and, in a minute or two +more, the little fellow was seated on my knee, surveying with eager +interest the various specimens of horses, cattle, pigs, and model +farms portrayed in the volume before me. I glanced at his mother +now and then to see how she relished the new-sprung intimacy; and I +saw, by the unquiet aspect of her eye, that for some reason or +other she was uneasy at the child's position. + +'Arthur,' said she, at length, 'come here. You are troublesome to +Mr. Markham: he wishes to read.' + +'By no means, Mrs. Graham; pray let him stay. I am as much amused +as he is,' pleaded I. But still, with hand and eye, she silently +called him to her side. + +'No, mamma,' said the child; 'let me look at these pictures first; +and then I'll come, and tell you all about them.' + +'We are going to have a small party on Monday, the fifth of +November,' said my mother; 'and I hope you will not refuse to make +one, Mrs. Graham. You can bring your little boy with you, you know +- I daresay we shall be able to amuse him; - and then you can make +your own apologies to the Millwards and Wilsons - they will all be +here, I expect.' + +'Thank you, I never go to parties.' + +'Oh! but this will be quite a family concern - early hours, and +nobody here but ourselves, and just the Millwards and Wilsons, most +of whom you already know, and Mr. Lawrence, your landlord, with +whom you ought to make acquaintance.' + +'I do know something of him - but you must excuse me this time; for +the evenings, now, are dark and damp, and Arthur, I fear, is too +delicate to risk exposure to their influence with impunity. We +must defer the enjoyment of your hospitality till the return of +longer days and warmer nights.' + +Rose, now, at a hint from my mother, produced a decanter of wine, +with accompaniments of glasses and cake, from the cupboard and the +oak sideboard, and the refreshment was duly presented to the +guests. They both partook of the cake, but obstinately refused the +wine, in spite of their hostess's hospitable attempts to force it +upon them. Arthur, especially shrank from the ruby nectar as if in +terror and disgust, and was ready to cry when urged to take it. + +'Never mind, Arthur,' said his mamma; 'Mrs. Markham thinks it will +do you good, as you were tired with your walk; but she will not +oblige you to take it! - I daresay you will do very well without. +He detests the very sight of wine,' she added, 'and the smell of it +almost makes him sick. I have been accustomed to make him swallow +a little wine or weak spirits-and-water, by way of medicine, when +he was sick, and, in fact, I have done what I could to make him +hate them.' + +Everybody laughed, except the young widow and her son. + +'Well, Mrs. Graham,' said my mother, wiping the tears of merriment +from her bright blue eyes - 'well, you surprise me! I really gave +you credit for having more sense. - The poor child will be the +veriest milksop that ever was sopped! Only think what a man you +will make of him, if you persist in - ' + +'I think it a very excellent plan,' interrupted Mrs. Graham, with +imperturbable gravity. 'By that means I hope to save him from one +degrading vice at least. I wish I could render the incentives to +every other equally innoxious in his case.' + +'But by such means,' said I, 'you will never render him virtuous. - +What is it that constitutes virtue, Mrs. Graham? Is it the +circumstance of being able and willing to resist temptation; or +that of having no temptations to resist? - Is he a strong man that +overcomes great obstacles and performs surprising achievements, +though by dint of great muscular exertion, and at the risk of some +subsequent fatigue, or he that sits in his chair all day, with +nothing to do more laborious than stirring the fire, and carrying +his food to his mouth? If you would have your son to walk +honourably through the world, you must not attempt to clear the +stones from his path, but teach him to walk firmly over them - not +insist upon leading him by the hand, but let him learn to go +alone.' + +'I will lead him by the hand, Mr. Markham, till he has strength to +go alone; and I will clear as many stones from his path as I can, +and teach him to avoid the rest - or walk firmly over them, as you +say; - for when I have done my utmost, in the way of clearance, +there will still be plenty left to exercise all the agility, +steadiness, and circumspection he will ever have. - It is all very +well to talk about noble resistance, and trials of virtue; but for +fifty - or five hundred men that have yielded to temptation, show +me one that has had virtue to resist. And why should I take it for +granted that my son will be one in a thousand? - and not rather +prepare for the worst, and suppose he will be like his - like the +rest of mankind, unless I take care to prevent it?' + +'You are very complimentary to us all,' I observed. + +'I know nothing about you - I speak of those I do know - and when I +see the whole race of mankind (with a few rare exceptions) +stumbling and blundering along the path of life, sinking into every +pitfall, and breaking their shins over every impediment that lies +in their way, shall I not use all the means in my power to insure +for him a smoother and a safer passage?' + +'Yes, but the surest means will be to endeavour to fortify him +against temptation, not to remove it out of his way.' + +'I will do both, Mr. Markham. God knows he will have temptations +enough to assail him, both from within and without, when I have +done all I can to render vice as uninviting to him, as it is +abominable in its own nature - I myself have had, indeed, but few +incentives to what the world calls vice, but yet I have experienced +temptations and trials of another kind, that have required, on many +occasions, more watchfulness and firmness to resist than I have +hitherto been able to muster against them. And this, I believe, is +what most others would acknowledge who are accustomed to +reflection, and wishful to strive against their natural +corruptions.' + +'Yes,' said my mother, but half apprehending her drift; 'but you +would not judge of a boy by yourself - and, my dear Mrs. Graham, +let me warn you in good time against the error - the fatal error, I +may call it - of taking that boy's education upon yourself. +Because you are clever in some things and well informed, you may +fancy yourself equal to the task; but indeed you are not; and if +you persist in the attempt, believe me you will bitterly repent it +when the mischief is done.' + +'I am to send him to school, I suppose, to learn to despise his +mother's authority and affection!' said the lady, with rather a +bitter smile. + +'Oh, no! - But if you would have a boy to despise his mother, let +her keep him at home, and spend her life in petting him up, and +slaving to indulge his follies and caprices.' + +'I perfectly agree with you, Mrs. Markham; but nothing can be +further from my principles and practice than such criminal weakness +as that.' + +'Well, but you will treat him like a girl - you'll spoil his +spirit, and make a mere Miss Nancy of him - you will, indeed, Mrs. +Graham, whatever you may think. But I'll get Mr. Millward to talk +to you about it:- he'll tell you the consequences; - he'll set it +before you as plain as the day; - and tell you what you ought to +do, and all about it; - and, I don't doubt, he'll be able to +convince you in a minute.' + +'No occasion to trouble the vicar,' said Mrs. Graham, glancing at +me - I suppose I was smiling at my mother's unbounded confidence in +that worthy gentleman - 'Mr. Markham here thinks his powers of +conviction at least equal to Mr. Millward's. If I hear not him, +neither should I be convinced though one rose from the dead, he +would tell you. Well, Mr. Markham, you that maintain that a boy +should not be shielded from evil, but sent out to battle against +it, alone and unassisted - not taught to avoid the snares of life, +but boldly to rush into them, or over them, as he may - to seek +danger, rather than shun it, and feed his virtue by temptation, - +would you -?' + +'I beg your pardon, Mrs. Graham - but you get on too fast. I have +not yet said that a boy should be taught to rush into the snares of +life, - or even wilfully to seek temptation for the sake of +exercising his virtue by overcoming it; - I only say that it is +better to arm and strengthen your hero, than to disarm and enfeeble +the foe; - and if you were to rear an oak sapling in a hothouse, +tending it carefully night and day, and shielding it from every +breath of wind, you could not expect it to become a hardy tree, +like that which has grown up on the mountain-side, exposed to all +the action of the elements, and not even sheltered from the shock +of the tempest.' + +'Granted; - but would you use the same argument with regard to a +girl?' + +'Certainly not.' + +'No; you would have her to be tenderly and delicately nurtured, +like a hot-house plant - taught to cling to others for direction +and support, and guarded, as much as possible, from the very +knowledge of evil. But will you be so good as to inform me why you +make this distinction? Is it that you think she has no virtue?' + +'Assuredly not.' + +'Well, but you affirm that virtue is only elicited by temptation; - +and you think that a woman cannot be too little exposed to +temptation, or too little acquainted with vice, or anything +connected therewith. It must be either that you think she is +essentially so vicious, or so feeble-minded, that she cannot +withstand temptation, - and though she may be pure and innocent as +long as she is kept in ignorance and restraint, yet, being +destitute of real virtue, to teach her how to sin is at once to +make her a sinner, and the greater her knowledge, the wider her +liberty, the deeper will be her depravity, - whereas, in the nobler +sex, there is a natural tendency to goodness, guarded by a superior +fortitude, which, the more it is exercised by trials and dangers, +is only the further developed - ' + +'Heaven forbid that I should think so!' I interrupted her at last. + +'Well, then, it must be that you think they are both weak and prone +to err, and the slightest error, the merest shadow of pollution, +will ruin the one, while the character of the other will be +strengthened and embellished - his education properly finished by a +little practical acquaintance with forbidden things. Such +experience, to him (to use a trite simile), will be like the storm +to the oak, which, though it may scatter the leaves, and snap the +smaller branches, serves but to rivet the roots, and to harden and +condense the fibres of the tree. You would have us encourage our +sons to prove all things by their own experience, while our +daughters must not even profit by the experience of others. Now I +would have both so to benefit by the experience of others, and the +precepts of a higher authority, that they should know beforehand to +refuse the evil and choose the good, and require no experimental +proofs to teach them the evil of transgression. I would not send a +poor girl into the world, unarmed against her foes, and ignorant of +the snares that beset her path; nor would I watch and guard her, +till, deprived of self-respect and self-reliance, she lost the +power or the will to watch and guard herself; - and as for my son - +if I thought he would grow up to be what you call a man of the +world - one that has "seen life," and glories in his experience, +even though he should so far profit by it as to sober down, at +length, into a useful and respected member of society - I would +rather that he died to-morrow! - rather a thousand times!' she +earnestly repeated, pressing her darling to her side and kissing +his forehead with intense affection. He had already left his new +companion, and been standing for some time beside his mother's +knee, looking up into her face, and listening in silent wonder to +her incomprehensible discourse. + +'Well! you ladies must always have the last word, I suppose,' said +I, observing her rise, and begin to take leave of my mother. + +'You may have as many words as you please, - only I can't stay to +hear them.' + +'No; that is the way: you hear just as much of an argument as you +please; and the rest may be spoken to the wind.' + +'If you are anxious to say anything more on the subject,' replied +she, as she shook hands with Rose, 'you must bring your sister to +see me some fine day, and I'll listen, as patiently as you could +wish, to whatever you please to say. I would rather be lectured by +you than the vicar, because I should have less remorse in telling +you, at the end of the discourse, that I preserve my own opinion +precisely the same as at the beginning - as would be the case, I am +persuaded, with regard to either logician.' + +'Yes, of course,' replied I, determined to be as provoking as +herself; 'for when a lady does consent to listen to an argument +against her own opinions, she is always predetermined to withstand +it - to listen only with her bodily ears, keeping the mental organs +resolutely closed against the strongest reasoning.' + +'Good-morning, Mr. Markham,' said my fair antagonist, with a +pitying smile; and deigning no further rejoinder, she slightly +bowed, and was about to withdraw; but her son, with childish +impertinence, arrested her by exclaiming, - 'Mamma, you have not +shaken hands with Mr. Markham!' + +She laughingly turned round and held out her hand. I gave it a +spiteful squeeze, for I was annoyed at the continual injustice she +had done me from the very dawn of our acquaintance. Without +knowing anything about my real disposition and principles, she was +evidently prejudiced against me, and seemed bent upon showing me +that her opinions respecting me, on every particular, fell far +below those I entertained of myself. I was naturally touchy, or it +would not have vexed me so much. Perhaps, too, I was a little bit +spoiled by my mother and sister, and some other ladies of my +acquaintance; - and yet I was by no means a fop - of that I am +fully convinced, whether you are or not. + + + +CHAPTER IV + + + +Our party, on the 5th of November, passed off very well, in spite +of Mrs. Graham's refusal to grace it with her presence. Indeed, it +is probable that, had she been there, there would have been less +cordiality, freedom, and frolic amongst us than there was without +her. + +My mother, as usual, was cheerful and chatty, full of activity and +good-nature, and only faulty in being too anxious to make her +guests happy, thereby forcing several of them to do what their soul +abhorred in the way of eating or drinking, sitting opposite the +blazing fire, or talking when they would be silent. Nevertheless, +they bore it very well, being all in their holiday humours. + +Mr. Millward was mighty in important dogmas and sententious jokes, +pompous anecdotes and oracular discourses, dealt out for the +edification of the whole assembly in general, and of the admiring +Mrs. Markham, the polite Mr. Lawrence, the sedate Mary Millward, +the quiet Richard Wilson, and the matter-of-fact Robert in +particular, - as being the most attentive listeners. + +Mrs. Wilson was more brilliant than ever, with her budgets of fresh +news and old scandal, strung together with trivial questions and +remarks, and oft-repeated observations, uttered apparently for the +sole purpose of denying a moment's rest to her inexhaustible organs +of speech. She had brought her knitting with her, and it seemed as +if her tongue had laid a wager with her fingers, to outdo them in +swift and ceaseless motion. + +Her daughter Jane was, of course, as graceful and elegant, as witty +and seductive, as she could possibly manage to be; for here were +all the ladies to outshine, and all the gentlemen to charm, - and +Mr. Lawrence, especially, to capture and subdue. Her little arts +to effect his subjugation were too subtle and impalpable to attract +my observation; but I thought there was a certain refined +affectation of superiority, and an ungenial self-consciousness +about her, that negatived all her advantages; and after she was +gone, Rose interpreted to me her various looks, words, and actions +with a mingled acuteness and asperity that made me wonder, equally, +at the lady's artifice and my sister's penetration, and ask myself +if she too had an eye to the squire - but never mind, Halford; she +had not. + +Richard Wilson, Jane's younger brother, sat in a corner, apparently +good-tempered, but silent and shy, desirous to escape observation, +but willing enough to listen and observe: and, although somewhat +out of his element, he would have been happy enough in his own +quiet way, if my mother could only have let him alone; but in her +mistaken kindness, she would keep persecuting him with her +attentions - pressing upon him all manner of viands, under the +notion that he was too bashful to help himself, and obliging him to +shout across the room his monosyllabic replies to the numerous +questions and observations by which she vainly attempted to draw +him into conversation. + +Rose informed me that he never would have favoured us with his +company but for the importunities of his sister Jane, who was most +anxious to show Mr. Lawrence that she had at least one brother more +gentlemanly and refined than Robert. That worthy individual she +had been equally solicitous to keep away; but he affirmed that he +saw no reason why he should not enjoy a crack with Markham and the +old lady (my mother was not old, really), and bonny Miss Rose and +the parson, as well as the best; - and he was in the right of it +too. So he talked common-place with my mother and Rose, and +discussed parish affairs with the vicar, farming matters with me, +and politics with us both. + +Mary Millward was another mute, - not so much tormented with cruel +kindness as Dick Wilson, because she had a certain short, decided +way of answering and refusing, and was supposed to be rather sullen +than diffident. However that might be, she certainly did not give +much pleasure to the company; - nor did she appear to derive much +from it. Eliza told me she had only come because her father +insisted upon it, having taken it into his head that she devoted +herself too exclusively to her household duties, to the neglect of +such relaxations and innocent enjoyments as were proper to her age +and sex. She seemed to me to be good-humoured enough on the whole. +Once or twice she was provoked to laughter by the wit or the +merriment of some favoured individual amongst us; and then I +observed she sought the eye of Richard Wilson, who sat over against +her. As he studied with her father, she had some acquaintance with +him, in spite of the retiring habits of both, and I suppose there +was a kind of fellow-feeling established between them. + +My Eliza was charming beyond description, coquettish without +affectation, and evidently more desirous to engage my attention +than that of all the room besides. Her delight in having me near +her, seated or standing by her side, whispering in her ear, or +pressing her hand in the dance, was plainly legible in her glowing +face and heaving bosom, however belied by saucy words and gestures. +But I had better hold my tongue: if I boast of these things now, I +shall have to blush hereafter. + +To proceed, then, with the various individuals of our party; Rose +was simple and natural as usual, and full of mirth and vivacity. + +Fergus was impertinent and absurd; but his impertinence and folly +served to make others laugh, if they did not raise himself in their +estimation. + +And finally (for I omit myself), Mr. Lawrence was gentlemanly and +inoffensive to all, and polite to the vicar and the ladies, +especially his hostess and her daughter, and Miss Wilson - +misguided man; he had not the taste to prefer Eliza Millward. Mr. +Lawrence and I were on tolerably intimate terms. Essentially of +reserved habits, and but seldom quitting the secluded place of his +birth, where he had lived in solitary state since the death of his +father, he had neither the opportunity nor the inclination for +forming many acquaintances; and, of all he had ever known, I +(judging by the results) was the companion most agreeable to his +taste. I liked the man well enough, but he was too cold, and shy, +and self-contained, to obtain my cordial sympathies. A spirit of +candour and frankness, when wholly unaccompanied with coarseness, +he admired in others, but he could not acquire it himself. His +excessive reserve upon all his own concerns was, indeed, provoking +and chilly enough; but I forgave it, from a conviction that it +originated less in pride and want of confidence in his friends, +than in a certain morbid feeling of delicacy, and a peculiar +diffidence, that he was sensible of, but wanted energy to overcome. +His heart was like a sensitive plant, that opens for a moment in +the sunshine, but curls up and shrinks into itself at the slightest +touch of the finger, or the lightest breath of wind. And, upon the +whole, our intimacy was rather a mutual predilection than a deep +and solid friendship, such as has since arisen between myself and +you, Halford, whom, in spite of your occasional crustiness, I can +liken to nothing so well as an old coat, unimpeachable in texture, +but easy and loose - that has conformed itself to the shape of the +wearer, and which he may use as he pleases, without being bothered +with the fear of spoiling it; - whereas Mr. Lawrence was like a new +garment, all very neat and trim to look at, but so tight in the +elbows, that you would fear to split the seams by the unrestricted +motion of your arms, and so smooth and fine in surface that you +scruple to expose it to a single drop of rain. + +Soon after the arrival of the guests, my mother mentioned Mrs. +Graham, regretted she was not there to meet them, and explained to +the Millwards and Wilsons the reasons she had given for neglecting +to return their calls, hoping they would excuse her, as she was +sure she did not mean to be uncivil, and would be glad to see them +at any time. - 'But she is a very singular lady, Mr. Lawrence,' +added she; 'we don't know what to make of her - but I daresay you +can tell us something about her, for she is your tenant, you know, +- and she said she knew you a little.' + +All eyes were turned to Mr. Lawrence. I thought he looked +unnecessarily confused at being so appealed to. + +'I, Mrs. Markham!' said he; 'you are mistaken - I don't - that is - +I have seen her, certainly; but I am the last person you should +apply to for information respecting Mrs. Graham.' + +He then immediately turned to Rose, and asked her to favour the +company with a song, or a tune on the piano. + +'No,' said she, 'you must ask Miss Wilson: she outshines us all in +singing, and music too.' + +Miss Wilson demurred. + +'She'll sing readily enough,' said Fergus, 'if you'll undertake to +stand by her, Mr. Lawrence, and turn over the leaves for her.' + +'I shall be most happy to do so, Miss Wilson; will you allow me?' + +She bridled her long neck and smiled, and suffered him to lead her +to the instrument, where she played and sang, in her very best +style, one piece after another; while he stood patiently by, +leaning one hand on the back of her chair, and turning over the +leaves of her book with the other. Perhaps he was as much charmed +with her performance as she was. It was all very fine in its way; +but I cannot say that it moved me very deeply. There was plenty of +skill and execution, but precious little feeling. + +But we had not done with Mrs. Graham yet. + +'I don't take wine, Mrs. Markham,' said Mr. Millward, upon the +introduction of that beverage; 'I'll take a little of your home- +brewed ale. I always prefer your home-brewed to anything else.' + +Flattered at this compliment, my mother rang the bell, and a china +jug of our best ale was presently brought and set before the worthy +gentleman who so well knew how to appreciate its excellences. + +'Now THIS is the thing!' cried he, pouring out a glass of the same +in a long stream, skilfully directed from the jug to the tumbler, +so as to produce much foam without spilling a drop; and, having +surveyed it for a moment opposite the candle, he took a deep +draught, and then smacked his lips, drew a long breath, and +refilled his glass, my mother looking on with the greatest +satisfaction. + +'There's nothing like this, Mrs. Markham!' said he. 'I always +maintain that there's nothing to compare with your home-brewed +ale.' + +'I'm sure I'm glad you like it, sir. I always look after the +brewing myself, as well as the cheese and the butter - I like to +have things well done, while we're about it.' + +'Quite right, Mrs. Markham!' + +'But then, Mr. Millward, you don't think it wrong to take a little +wine now and then - or a little spirits either!' said my mother, as +she handed a smoking tumbler of gin-and-water to Mrs. Wilson, who +affirmed that wine sat heavy on her stomach, and whose son Robert +was at that moment helping himself to a pretty stiff glass of the +same. + +'By no means!' replied the oracle, with a Jove-like nod; 'these +things are all blessings and mercies, if we only knew how to make +use of them.' + +'But Mrs. Graham doesn't think so. You shall just hear now what +she told us the other day - I told her I'd tell you.' + +And my mother favoured the company with a particular account of +that lady's mistaken ideas and conduct regarding the matter in +hand, concluding with, 'Now, don't you think it is wrong?' + +'Wrong!' repeated the vicar, with more than common solemnity - +'criminal, I should say - criminal! Not only is it making a fool +of the boy, but it is despising the gifts of Providence, and +teaching him to trample them under his feet.' + +He then entered more fully into the question, and explained at +large the folly and impiety of such a proceeding. My mother heard +him with profoundest reverence; and even Mrs. Wilson vouchsafed to +rest her tongue for a moment, and listen in silence, while she +complacently sipped her gin-and-water. Mr. Lawrence sat with his +elbow on the table, carelessly playing with his half-empty wine- +glass, and covertly smiling to himself. + +'But don't you think, Mr. Millward,' suggested he, when at length +that gentleman paused in his discourse, 'that when a child may be +naturally prone to intemperance - by the fault of its parents or +ancestors, for instance - some precautions are advisable?' (Now it +was generally believed that Mr. Lawrence's father had shortened his +days by intemperance.) + +'Some precautions, it may be; but temperance, sir, is one thing, +and abstinence another.' + +'But I have heard that, with some persons, temperance - that is, +moderation - is almost impossible; and if abstinence be an evil +(which some have doubted), no one will deny that excess is a +greater. Some parents have entirely prohibited their children from +tasting intoxicating liquors; but a parent's authority cannot last +for ever; children are naturally prone to hanker after forbidden +things; and a child, in such a case, would be likely to have a +strong curiosity to taste, and try the effect of what has been so +lauded and enjoyed by others, so strictly forbidden to himself - +which curiosity would generally be gratified on the first +convenient opportunity; and the restraint once broken, serious +consequences might ensue. I don't pretend to be a judge of such +matters, but it seems to me, that this plan of Mrs. Graham's, as +you describe it, Mrs. Markham, extraordinary as it may be, is not +without its advantages; for here you see the child is delivered at +once from temptation; he has no secret curiosity, no hankering +desire; he is as well acquainted with the tempting liquors as he +ever wishes to be; and is thoroughly disgusted with them, without +having suffered from their effects.' + +'And is that right, sir? Have I not proven to you how wrong it is +- how contrary to Scripture and to reason, to teach a child to look +with contempt and disgust upon the blessings of Providence, instead +of to use them aright?' + +'You may consider laudanum a blessing of Providence, sir,' replied +Mr. Lawrence, smiling; 'and yet, you will allow that most of us had +better abstain from it, even in moderation; but,' added he, 'I +would not desire you to follow out my simile too closely - in +witness whereof I finish my glass.' + +'And take another, I hope, Mr. Lawrence,' said my mother, pushing +the bottle towards him. + +He politely declined, and pushing his chair a little away from the +table, leant back towards me - I was seated a trifle behind, on the +sofa beside Eliza Millward - and carelessly asked me if I knew Mrs. +Graham. + +'I have met her once or twice,' I replied. + +'What do you think of her?' + +'I cannot say that I like her much. She is handsome - or rather I +should say distinguished and interesting - in her appearance, but +by no means amiable - a woman liable to take strong prejudices, I +should fancy, and stick to them through thick and thin, twisting +everything into conformity with her own preconceived opinions - too +hard, too sharp, too bitter for my taste.' + +He made no reply, but looked down and bit his lip, and shortly +after rose and sauntered up to Miss Wilson, as much repelled by me, +I fancy, as attracted by her. I scarcely noticed it at the time, +but afterwards I was led to recall this and other trifling facts, +of a similar nature, to my remembrance, when - but I must not +anticipate. + +We wound up the evening with dancing - our worthy pastor thinking +it no scandal to be present on the occasion, though one of the +village musicians was engaged to direct our evolutions with his +violin. But Mary Millward obstinately refused to join us; and so +did Richard Wilson, though my mother earnestly entreated him to do +so, and even offered to be his partner. + +We managed very well without them, however. With a single set of +quadrilles, and several country dances, we carried it on to a +pretty late hour; and at length, having called upon our musician to +strike up a waltz, I was just about to whirl Eliza round in that +delightful dance, accompanied by Lawrence and Jane Wilson, and +Fergus and Rose, when Mr. Millward interposed with:- 'No, no; I +don't allow that! Come, it's time to be going now.' + +'Oh, no, papa!' pleaded Eliza. + +'High time, my girl - high time! Moderation in all things, +remember! That's the plan - "Let your moderation be known unto all +men!"' + +But in revenge I followed Eliza into the dimly-lighted passage, +where, under pretence of helping her on with her shawl, I fear I +must plead guilty to snatching a kiss behind her father's back, +while he was enveloping his throat and chin in the folds of a +mighty comforter. But alas! in turning round, there was my mother +close beside me. The consequence was, that no sooner were the +guests departed, than I was doomed to a very serious remonstrance, +which unpleasantly checked the galloping course of my spirits, and +made a disagreeable close to the evening. + +'My dear Gilbert,' said she, 'I wish you wouldn't do so! You know +how deeply I have your advantage at heart, how I love you and prize +you above everything else in the world, and how much I long to see +you well settled in life - and how bitterly it would grieve me to +see you married to that girl - or any other in the neighbourhood. +What you see in her I don't know. It isn't only the want of money +that I think about - nothing of the kind - but there's neither +beauty, nor cleverness, nor goodness, nor anything else that's +desirable. If you knew your own value, as I do, you wouldn't dream +of it. Do wait awhile and see! If you bind yourself to her, +you'll repent it all your lifetime when you look round and see how +many better there are. Take my word for it, you will.' + +'Well, mother, do be quiet! - I hate to be lectured! - I'm not +going to marry yet, I tell you; but - dear me! mayn't I enjoy +myself at all?' + +'Yes, my dear boy, but not in that way. Indeed, you shouldn't do +such things. You would be wronging the girl, if she were what she +ought to be; but I assure you she is as artful a little hussy as +anybody need wish to see; and you'll got entangled in her snares +before you know where you are. And if you marry her, Gilbert, +you'll break my heart - so there's an end of it.' + +'Well, don't cry about it, mother,' said I, for the tears were +gushing from her eyes; 'there, let that kiss efface the one I gave +Eliza; don't abuse her any more, and set your mind at rest; for +I'll promise never - that is, I'll promise to think twice before I +take any important step you seriously disapprove of.' + +So saying, I lighted my candle, and went to bed, considerably +quenched in spirit. + + + +CHAPTER V + + + +It was about the close of the month, that, yielding at length to +the urgent importunities of Rose, I accompanied her in a visit to +Wildfell Hall. To our surprise, we were ushered into a room where +the first object that met the eye was a painter's easel, with a +table beside it covered with rolls of canvas, bottles of oil and +varnish, palette, brushes, paints, &c. Leaning against the wall +were several sketches in various stages of progression, and a few +finished paintings - mostly of landscapes and figures. + +'I must make you welcome to my studio,' said Mrs. Graham; 'there is +no fire in the sitting-room to-day, and it is rather too cold to +show you into a place with an empty grate.' + +And disengaging a couple of chairs from the artistical lumber that +usurped them, she bid us be seated, and resumed her place beside +the easel - not facing it exactly, but now and then glancing at the +picture upon it while she conversed, and giving it an occasional +touch with her brush, as if she found it impossible to wean her +attention entirely from her occupation to fix it upon her guests. +It was a view of Wildfell Hall, as seen at early morning from the +field below, rising in dark relief against a sky of clear silvery +blue, with a few red streaks on the horizon, faithfully drawn and +coloured, and very elegantly and artistically handled. + +'I see your heart is in your work, Mrs. Graham,' observed I: 'I +must beg you to go on with it; for if you suffer our presence to +interrupt you, we shall be constrained to regard ourselves as +unwelcome intruders.' + +'Oh, no!' replied she, throwing her brush on to the table, as if +startled into politeness. 'I am not so beset with visitors but +that I can readily spare a few minutes to the few that do favour me +with their company.' + +'You have almost completed your painting,' said I, approaching to +observe it more closely, and surveying it with a greater degree of +admiration and delight than I cared to express. 'A few more +touches in the foreground will finish it, I should think. But why +have you called it Fernley Manor, Cumberland, instead of Wildfell +Hall, -shire?' I asked, alluding to the name she had traced in +small characters at the bottom of the canvas. + +But immediately I was sensible of having committed an act of +impertinence in so doing; for she coloured and hesitated; but after +a moment's pause, with a kind of desperate frankness, she replied:- + +'Because I have friends - acquaintances at least - in the world, +from whom I desire my present abode to be concealed; and as they +might see the picture, and might possibly recognise the style in +spite of the false initials I have put in the corner, I take the +precaution to give a false name to the place also, in order to put +them on a wrong scent, if they should attempt to trace me out by +it.' + +'Then you don't intend to keep the picture?' said I, anxious to say +anything to change the subject. + +'No; I cannot afford to paint for my own amusement.' + +'Mamma sends all her pictures to London,' said Arthur; 'and +somebody sells them for her there, and sends us the money.' + +In looking round upon the other pieces, I remarked a pretty sketch +of Linden-hope from the top of the hill; another view of the old +hall basking in the sunny haze of a quiet summer afternoon; and a +simple but striking little picture of a child brooding, with looks +of silent but deep and sorrowful regret, over a handful of withered +flowers, with glimpses of dark low hills and autumnal fields behind +it, and a dull beclouded sky above. + +'You see there is a sad dearth of subjects,' observed the fair +artist. 'I took the old hall once on a moonlight night, and I +suppose I must take it again on a snowy winter's day, and then +again on a dark cloudy evening; for I really have nothing else to +paint. I have been told that you have a fine view of the sea +somewhere in the neighbourhood. Is it true? - and is it within +walking distance?' + +'Yes, if you don't object to walking four miles - or nearly so - +little short of eight miles, there and back - and over a somewhat +rough, fatiguing road.' + +'In what direction does it lie?' + +I described the situation as well as I could, and was entering upon +an explanation of the various roads, lanes, and fields to be +traversed in order to reach it, the goings straight on, and +turnings to the right and the left, when she checked me with, - + +'Oh, stop! don't tell me now: I shall forget every word of your +directions before I require them. I shall not think about going +till next spring; and then, perhaps, I may trouble you. At present +we have the winter before us, and - ' + +She suddenly paused, with a suppressed exclamation, started up from +her seat, and saying, 'Excuse me one moment,' hurried from the +room, and shut the door behind her. + +Curious to see what had startled her so, I looked towards the +window - for her eyes had been carelessly fixed upon it the moment +before - and just beheld the skirts of a man's coat vanishing +behind a large holly-bush that stood between the window and the +porch. + +'It's mamma's friend,' said Arthur. + +Rose and I looked at each other. + +'I don't know what to make of her at all,' whispered Rose. + +The child looked at her in grave surprise. She straightway began +to talk to him on indifferent matters, while I amused myself with +looking at the pictures. There was one in an obscure corner that I +had not before observed. It was a little child, seated on the +grass with its lap full of flowers. The tiny features and large +blue eyes, smiling through a shock of light brown curls, shaken +over the forehead as it bent above its treasure, bore sufficient +resemblance to those of the young gentleman before me to proclaim +it a portrait of Arthur Graham in his early infancy. + +In taking this up to bring it to the light, I discovered another +behind it, with its face to the wall. I ventured to take that up +too. It was the portrait of a gentleman in the full prime of +youthful manhood - handsome enough, and not badly executed; but if +done by the same hand as the others, it was evidently some years +before; for there was far more careful minuteness of detail, and +less of that freshness of colouring and freedom of handling that +delighted and surprised me in them. Nevertheless, I surveyed it +with considerable interest. There was a certain individuality in +the features and expression that stamped it, at once, a successful +likeness. The bright blue eyes regarded the spectator with a kind +of lurking drollery - you almost expected to see them wink; the +lips - a little too voluptuously full - seemed ready to break into +a smile; the warmly-tinted cheeks were embellished with a luxuriant +growth of reddish whiskers; while the bright chestnut hair, +clustering in abundant, wavy curls, trespassed too much upon the +forehead, and seemed to intimate that the owner thereof was prouder +of his beauty than his intellect - as, perhaps, he had reason to +be; and yet he looked no fool. + +I had not had the portrait in my hands two minutes before the fair +artist returned. + +'Only some one come about the pictures,' said she, in apology for +her abrupt departure: 'I told him to wait.' + +'I fear it will be considered an act of impertinence,' said 'to +presume to look at a picture that the artist has turned to the +wall; but may I ask -' + +'It is an act of very great impertinence, sir; and therefore I beg +you will ask nothing about it, for your curiosity will not be +gratified,' replied she, attempting to cover the tartness of her +rebuke with a smile; but I could see, by her flushed cheek and +kindling eye, that she was seriously annoyed. + +'I was only going to ask if you had painted it yourself,' said I, +sulkily resigning the picture into her hands; for without a grain +of ceremony she took it from me; and quickly restoring it to the +dark corner, with its face to the wall, placed the other against it +as before, and then turned to me and laughed. + +But I was in no humour for jesting. I carelessly turned to the +window, and stood looking out upon the desolate garden, leaving her +to talk to Rose for a minute or two; and then, telling my sister it +was time to go, shook hands with the little gentleman, coolly bowed +to the lady, and moved towards the door. But, having bid adieu to +Rose, Mrs. Graham presented her hand to me, saying, with a soft +voice, and by no means a disagreeable smile, - 'Let not the sun go +down upon your wrath, Mr. Markham. I'm sorry I offended you by my +abruptness.' + +When a lady condescends to apologise, there is no keeping one's +anger, of course; so we parted good friends for once; and this time +I squeezed her hand with a cordial, not a spiteful pressure. + + + +CHAPTER VI + + + +During the next four months I did not enter Mrs. Graham's house, +nor she mine; but still the ladies continued to talk about her, and +still our acquaintance continued, though slowly, to advance. As +for their talk, I paid but little attention to that (when it +related to the fair hermit, I mean), and the only information I +derived from it was, that one fine frosty day she had ventured to +take her little boy as far as the vicarage, and that, +unfortunately, nobody was at home but Miss Millward; nevertheless, +she had sat a long time, and, by all accounts, they had found a +good deal to say to each other, and parted with a mutual desire to +meet again. But Mary liked children, and fond mammas like those +who can duly appreciate their treasures. + +But sometimes I saw her myself, not only when she came to church, +but when she was out on the hills with her son, whether taking a +long, purpose-like walk, or - on special fine days - leisurely +rambling over the moor or the bleak pasture-lands, surrounding the +old hall, herself with a book in her hand, her son gambolling about +her; and, on any of these occasions, when I caught sight of her in +my solitary walks or rides, or while following my agricultural +pursuits, I generally contrived to meet or overtake her, for I +rather liked to see Mrs. Graham, and to talk to her, and I +decidedly liked to talk to her little companion, whom, when once +the ice of his shyness was fairly broken, I found to be a very +amiable, intelligent, and entertaining little fellow; and we soon +became excellent friends - how much to the gratification of his +mamma I cannot undertake to say. I suspected at first that she was +desirous of throwing cold water on this growing intimacy - to +quench, as it were, the kindling flame of our friendship - but +discovering, at length, in spite of her prejudice against me, that +I was perfectly harmless, and even well-intentioned, and that, +between myself and my dog, her son derived a great deal of pleasure +from the acquaintance that he would not otherwise have known, she +ceased to object, and even welcomed my coming with a smile. + +As for Arthur, he would shout his welcome from afar, and run to +meet me fifty yards from his mother's side. If I happened to be on +horseback he was sure to get a canter or a gallop; or, if there was +one of the draught horses within an available distance, he was +treated to a steady ride upon that, which served his turn almost as +well; but his mother would always follow and trudge beside him - +not so much, I believe, to ensure his safe conduct, as to see that +I instilled no objectionable notions into his infant mind, for she +was ever on the watch, and never would allow him to be taken out of +her sight. What pleased her best of all was to see him romping and +racing with Sancho, while I walked by her side - not, I fear, for +love of my company (though I sometimes deluded myself with that +idea), so much as for the delight she took in seeing her son thus +happily engaged in the enjoyment of those active sports so +invigorating to his tender frame, yet so seldom exercised for want +of playmates suited to his years: and, perhaps, her pleasure was +sweetened not a little by the fact of my being with her instead of +with him, and therefore incapable of doing him any injury directly +or indirectly, designedly or otherwise, small thanks to her for +that same. + +But sometimes, I believe, she really had some little gratification +in conversing with me; and one bright February morning, during +twenty minutes' stroll along the moor, she laid aside her usual +asperity and reserve, and fairly entered into conversation with me, +discoursing with so much eloquence and depth of thought and feeling +on a subject happily coinciding with my own ideas, and looking so +beautiful withal, that I went home enchanted; and on the way +(morally) started to find myself thinking that, after all, it +would, perhaps, be better to spend one's days with such a woman +than with Eliza Millward; and then I (figuratively) blushed for my +inconstancy. + +On entering the parlour I found Eliza there with Rose, and no one +else. The surprise was not altogether so agreeable as it ought to +have been. We chatted together a long time, but I found her rather +frivolous, and even a little insipid, compared with the more mature +and earnest Mrs. Graham. Alas, for human constancy! + +'However,' thought I, 'I ought not to marry Eliza, since my mother +so strongly objects to it, and I ought not to delude the girl with +the idea that I intended to do so. Now, if this mood continue, I +shall have less difficulty in emancipating my affections from her +soft yet unrelenting sway; and, though Mrs. Graham might be equally +objectionable, I may be permitted, like the doctors, to cure a +greater evil by a less, for I shall not fall seriously in love with +the young widow, I think, nor she with me - that's certain - but if +I find a little pleasure in her society I may surely be allowed to +seek it; and if the star of her divinity be bright enough to dim +the lustre of Eliza's, so much the better, but I scarcely can think +it.' + +And thereafter I seldom suffered a fine day to pass without paying +a visit to Wildfell about the time my new acquaintance usually left +her hermitage; but so frequently was I baulked in my expectations +of another interview, so changeable was she in her times of coming +forth and in her places of resort, so transient were the occasional +glimpses I was able to obtain, that I felt half inclined to think +she took as much pains to avoid my company as I to seek hers; but +this was too disagreeable a supposition to be entertained a moment +after it could conveniently be dismissed. + +One calm, clear afternoon, however, in March, as I was +superintending the rolling of the meadow-land, and the repairing of +a hedge in the valley, I saw Mrs. Graham down by the brook, with a +sketch-book in her hand, absorbed in the exercise of her favourite +art, while Arthur was putting on the time with constructing dams +and breakwaters in the shallow, stony stream. I was rather in want +of amusement, and so rare an opportunity was not to be neglected; +so, leaving both meadow and hedge, I quickly repaired to the spot, +but not before Sancho, who, immediately upon perceiving his young +friend, scoured at full gallop the intervening space, and pounced +upon him with an impetuous mirth that precipitated the child almost +into the middle of the beck; but, happily, the stones preserved him +from any serious wetting, while their smoothness prevented his +being too much hurt to laugh at the untoward event. + +Mrs. Graham was studying the distinctive characters of the +different varieties of trees in their winter nakedness, and +copying, with a spirited, though delicate touch, their various +ramifications. She did not talk much, but I stood and watched the +progress of her pencil: it was a pleasure to behold it so +dexterously guided by those fair and graceful fingers. But ere +long their dexterity became impaired, they began to hesitate, to +tremble slightly, and make false strokes, and then suddenly came to +a pause, while their owner laughingly raised her face to mine, and +told me that her sketch did not profit by my superintendence. + +'Then,' said I, 'I'll talk to Arthur till you've done.' + +'I should like to have a ride, Mr. Markham, if mamma will let me,' +said the child. + +'What on, my boy?' + +'I think there's a horse in that field,' replied he, pointing to +where the strong black mare was pulling the roller. + +'No, no, Arthur; it's too far,' objected his mother. + +But I promised to bring him safe back after a turn or two up and +down the meadow; and when she looked at his eager face she smiled +and let him go. It was the first time she had even allowed me to +take him so much as half a field's length from her side. + +Enthroned upon his monstrous steed, and solemnly proceeding up and +down the wide, steep field, he looked the very incarnation of +quiet, gleeful satisfaction and delight. The rolling, however, was +soon completed; but when I dismounted the gallant horseman, and +restored him to his mother, she seemed rather displeased at my +keeping him so long. She had shut up her sketch-book, and been, +probably, for some minutes impatiently waiting his return. + +It was now high time to go home, she said, and would have bid me +good-evening, but I was not going to leave her yet: I accompanied +her half-way up the hill. She became more sociable, and I was +beginning to be very happy; but, on coming within sight of the grim +old hall, she stood still, and turned towards me while she spoke, +as if expecting I should go no further, that the conversation would +end here, and I should now take leave and depart - as, indeed, it +was time to do, for 'the clear, cold eve' was fast 'declining,' the +sun had set, and the gibbous moon was visibly brightening in the +pale grey sky; but a feeling almost of compassion riveted me to the +spot. It seemed hard to leave her to such a lonely, comfortless +home. I looked up at it. Silent and grim it frowned; before us. +A faint, red light was gleaming from the lower windows of one wing, +but all the other windows were in darkness, and many exhibited +their black, cavernous gulfs, entirely destitute of glazing or +framework. + +'Do you not find it a desolate place to live in?' said I, after a +moment of silent contemplation. + +'I do, sometimes,' replied she. 'On winter evenings, when Arthur +is in bed, and I am sitting there alone, hearing the bleak wind +moaning round me and howling through the ruinous old chambers, no +books or occupations can represss the dismal thoughts and +apprehensions that come crowding in - but it is folly to give way +to such weakness, I know. If Rachel is satisfied with such a life, +why should not I? - Indeed, I cannot be too thankful for such an +asylum, while it is left me.' + +The closing sentence was uttered in an under-tone, as if spoken +rather to herself than to me. She then bid me good-evening and +withdrew. + +I had not proceeded many steps on my way homewards when I perceived +Mr. Lawrence, on his pretty grey pony, coming up the rugged lane +that crossed over the hill-top. I went a little out of my way to +speak to him; for we had not met for some time. + +'Was that Mrs. Graham you were speaking to just now?' said he, +after the first few words of greeting had passed between us. + +'Yes.' + +'Humph! I thought so.' He looked contemplatively at his horse's +mane, as if he had some serious cause of dissatisfaction with it, +or something else. + +'Well! what then?' + +'Oh, nothing!' replied he. 'Only I thought you disliked her,' he +quietly added, curling his classic lip with a slightly sarcastic +smile. + +'Suppose I did; mayn't a man change his mind on further +acquaintance?' + +'Yes, of course,' returned he, nicely reducing an entanglement in +the pony's redundant hoary mane. Then suddenly turning to me, and +fixing his shy, hazel eyes upon me with a steady penetrating gaze, +he added, 'Then you have changed your mind?' + +'I can't say that I have exactly. No; I think I hold the same +opinion respecting her as before - but slightly ameliorated.' + +'Oh!' He looked round for something else to talk about; and +glancing up at the moon, made some remark upon the beauty of the +evening, which I did not answer, as being irrelevant to the +subject. + +'Lawrence,' said I, calmly looking him in the face, 'are you in +love with Mrs. Graham?' + +Instead of his being deeply offended at this, as I more than half +expected he would, the first start of surprise, at the audacious +question, was followed by a tittering laugh, as if he was highly +amused at the idea. + +'I in love with her!' repeated he. 'What makes you dream of such a +thing?' + +'From the interest you take in the progress of my acquaintance with +the lady, and the changes of my opinion concerning her, I thought +you might be jealous.' + +He laughed again. 'Jealous! no. But I thought you were going to +marry Eliza Millward.' + +'You thought wrong, then; I am not going to marry either one or the +other - that I know of - ' + +'Then I think you'd better let them alone.' + +'Are you going to marry Jane Wilson?' + +He coloured, and played with the mane again, but answered - 'No, I +think not.' + +'Then you had better let her alone.' + +'She won't let me alone,' he might have said; but he only looked +silly and said nothing for the space of half a minute, and then +made another attempt to turn the conversation; and this time I let +it pass; for he had borne enough: another word on the subject +would have been like the last atom that breaks the camel's. back. + +I was too late for tea; but my mother had kindly kept the teapot +and muffin warm upon the hobs, and, though she scolded me a little, +readily admitted my excuses; and when I complained of the flavour +of the overdrawn tea, she poured the remainder into the slop-basin, +and bade Rose put some fresh into the pot, and reboil the kettle, +which offices were performed with great commotion, and certain +remarkable comments. + +'Well! - if it had been me now, I should have had no tea at all - +if it had been Fergus, even, he would have to put up with such as +there was, and been told to be thankful, for it was far too good +for him; but you - we can't do too much for you. It's always so - +if there's anything particularly nice at table, mamma winks and +nods at me to abstain from it, and if I don't attend to that, she +whispers, "Don't eat so much of that, Rose; Gilbert will like it +for his supper." - I'm nothing at all. In the parlour, it's "Come, +Rose, put away your things, and let's have the room nice and tidy +against they come in; and keep up a good fire; Gilbert likes a +cheerful fire." In the kitchen - "Make that pie a large one, Rose; +I daresay the boys'll be hungry; and don't put so much pepper in, +they'll not like it, I'm sure" - or, "Rose, don't put so many +spices in the pudding, Gilbert likes it plain," - or, "Mind you put +plenty of currants in the cake, Fergus liked plenty." If I say, +"Well, mamma, I don't," I'm told I ought not to think of myself. +"You know, Rose, in all household matters, we have only two things +to consider, first, what's proper to be done; and, secondly, what's +most agreeable to the gentlemen of the house - anything will do for +the ladies."' + +'And very good doctrine too,' said my mother. 'Gilbert thinks so, +I'm sure.' + +'Very convenient doctrine, for us, at all events,' said I; 'but if +you would really study my pleasure, mother, you must consider your +own comfort and convenience a little more than you do - as for +Rose, I have no doubt she'll take care of herself; and whenever she +does make a sacrifice or perform a remarkable act of devotedness, +she'll take good care to let me know the extent of it. But for you +I might sink into the grossest condition of self-indulgence and +carelessness about the wants of others, from the mere habit of +being constantly cared for myself, and having all my wants +anticipated or immediately supplied, while left in total ignorance +of what is done for me, - if Rose did not enlighten me now and +then; and I should receive all your kindness as a matter of course, +and never know how much I owe you.' + +'Ah! and you never will know, Gilbert, till you're married. Then, +when you've got some trifling, self-conceited girl like Eliza +Millward, careless of everything but her own immediate pleasure and +advantage, or some misguided, obstinate woman, like Mrs. Graham, +ignorant of her principal duties, and clever only in what concerns +her least to know - then you'll find the difference.' + +'It will do me good, mother; I was not sent into the world merely +to exercise the good capacities and good feelings of others - was +I? - but to exert my own towards them; and when I marry, I shall +expect to find more pleasure in making my wife happy and +comfortable, than in being made so by her: I would rather give +than receive.' + +'Oh! that's all nonsense, my dear. It's mere boy's talk that! +You'll soon tire of petting and humouring your wife, be she ever so +charming, and then comes the trial.' + +'Well, then, we must bear one another's burdens.' + +'Then you must fall each into your proper place. You'll do your +business, and she, if she's worthy of you, will do hers; but it's +your business to please yourself, and hers to please you. I'm sure +your poor, dear father was as good a husband as ever lived, and +after the first six months or so were over, I should as soon have +expected him to fly, as to put himself out of his way to pleasure +me. He always said I was a good wife, and did my duty; and he +always did his - bless him! - he was steady and punctual, seldom +found fault without a reason, always did justice to my good +dinners, and hardly ever spoiled my cookery by delay - and that's +as much as any woman can expect of any man.' + +Is it so, Halford? Is that the extent of your domestic virtues; +and does your happy wife exact no more? + + + +CHAPTER VII + + + +Not many days after this, on a mild sunny morning - rather soft +under foot; for the last fall of snow was only just wasted away, +leaving yet a thin ridge, here and there, lingering on the fresh +green grass beneath the hedges; but beside them already, the young +primroses were peeping from among their moist, dark foliage, and +the lark above was singing of summer, and hope, and love, and every +heavenly thing - I was out on the hill-side, enjoying these +delights, and looking after the well-being of my young lambs and +their mothers, when, on glancing round me, I beheld three persons +ascending from the vale below. They were Eliza Millward, Fergus, +and Rose; so I crossed the field to meet them; and, being told they +were going to Wildfell Hall, I declared myself willing to go with +them, and offering my arm to Eliza, who readily accepted it in lieu +of my brother's, told the latter he might go back, for I would +accompany the ladies. + +'I beg your pardon!' exclaimed he. 'It's the ladies that are +accompanying me, not I them. You had all had a peep at this +wonderful stranger but me, and I could endure my wretched ignorance +no longer - come what would, I must be satisfied; so I begged Rose +to go with me to the Hall, and introduce me to her at once. She +swore she would not, unless Miss Eliza would go too; so I ran to +the vicarage and fetched her; and we've come hooked all the way, as +fond as a pair of lovers - and now you've taken her from me; and +you want to deprive me of my walk and my visit besides. Go back to +your fields and your cattle, you lubberly fellow; you're not fit to +associate with ladies and gentlemen like us, that have nothing to +do but to run snooking about to our neighbours' houses, peeping +into their private corners, and scenting out their secrets, and +picking holes in their coats, when we don't find them ready made to +our hands - you don't understand such refined sources of +enjoyment.' + +'Can't you both go?' suggested Eliza, disregarding the latter half +of the speech. + +'Yes, both, to be sure!' cried Rose; 'the more the merrier - and +I'm sure we shall want all the cheerfulness we can carry with us to +that great, dark, gloomy room, with its narrow latticed windows, +and its dismal old furniture - unless she shows us into her studio +again.' + +So we went all in a body; and the meagre old maid-servant, that +opened the door, ushered us into an apartment such as Rose had +described to me as the scene of her first introduction to Mrs. +Graham, a tolerably spacious and lofty room, but obscurely lighted +by the old-fashioned windows, the ceiling, panels, and chimney- +piece of grim black oak - the latter elaborately but not very +tastefully carved, - with tables and chairs to match, an old +bookcase on one side of the fire-place, stocked with a motley +assemblage of books, and an elderly cabinet piano on the other. + +The lady was seated in a stiff, high-backed arm-chair, with a small +round table, containing a desk and a work-basket on one side of +her, and her little boy on the other, who stood leaning his elbow +on her knee, and reading to her, with wonderful fluency, from a +small volume that lay in her lap; while she rested her hand on his +shoulder, and abstractedly played with the long, wavy curls that +fell on his ivory neck. They struck me as forming a pleasing +contrast to all the surrounding objects; but of course their +position was immediately changed on our entrance. I could only +observe the picture during the few brief seconds that Rachel held +the door for our admittance. + +I do not think Mrs. Graham was particularly delighted to see us: +there was something indescribably chilly in her quiet, calm +civility; but I did not talk much to her. Seating myself near the +window, a little back from the circle, I called Arthur to me, and +he and I and Sancho amused ourselves very pleasantly together, +while the two young ladies baited his mother with small talk, and +Fergus sat opposite with his legs crossed and his hands in his +breeches-pockets, leaning back in his chair, and staring now up at +the ceiling, now straight forward at his hostess (in a manner that +made me strongly inclined to kick him out of the room), now +whistling sotto voce to himself a snatch of a favourite air, now +interrupting the conversation, or filling up a pause (as the case +might be) with some most impertinent question or remark. At one +time it was, - 'It, amazes me, Mrs. Graham, how you could choose +such a dilapidated, rickety old place as this to live in. If you +couldn't afford to occupy the whole house, and have it mended up, +why couldn't you take a neat little cottage?' + +'Perhaps I was too proud, Mr. Fergus,' replied she, smiling; +'perhaps I took a particular fancy for this romantic, old-fashioned +place - but, indeed, it has many advantages over a cottage - in the +first place, you see, the rooms are larger and more airy; in the +second place, the unoccupied apartments, which I don't pay for, may +serve as lumber-rooms, if I have anything to put in them; and they +are very useful for my little boy to run about in on rainy days +when he can't go out; and then there is the garden for him to play +in, and for me to work in. You see I have effected some little +improvement already,' continued she, turning to the window. 'There +is a bed of young vegetables in that corner, and here are some +snowdrops and primroses already in bloom - and there, too, is a +yellow crocus just opening in the sunshine.' + +'But then how can you bear such a situation - your nearest +neighbours two miles distant, and nobody looking in or passing by? +Rose would go stark mad in such a place. She can't put on life +unless she sees half a dozen fresh gowns and bonnets a day - not to +speak of the faces within; but you might sit watching at these +windows all day long, and never see so much as an old woman +carrying her eggs to market.' + +'I am not sure the loneliness of the place was not one of its chief +recommendations. I take no pleasure in watching people pass the +windows; and I like to be quiet.' + +'Oh! as good as to say you wish we would all of us mind our own +business, and let you alone.' + +'No, I dislike an extensive acquaintance; but if I have a few +friends, of course I am glad to see them occasionally. No one can +be happy in eternal solitude. Therefore, Mr. Fergus, if you choose +to enter my house as a friend, I will make you welcome; if not, I +must confess, I would rather you kept away.' She then turned and +addressed some observation to Rose or Eliza. + +'And, Mrs. Graham,' said he again, five minutes after, 'we were +disputing, as we came along, a question that you can readily decide +for us, as it mainly regarded yourself - and, indeed, we often hold +discussions about you; for some of us have nothing better to do +than to talk about our neighbours' concerns, and we, the indigenous +plants of the soil, have known each other so long, and talked each +other over so often, that we are quite sick of that game; so that a +stranger coming amongst us makes an invaluable addition to our +exhausted sources of amusement. Well, the question, or questions, +you are requested to solve - ' + +'Hold your tongue, Fergus!' cried Rose, in a fever of apprehension +and wrath. + +'I won't, I tell you. The questions you are requested to solve are +these:- First, concerning your birth, extraction, and previous +residence. Some will have it that you are a foreigner, and some an +Englishwoman; some a native of the north country, and some of the +south; some say - ' + +'Well, Mr. Fergus, I'll tell you. I'm an Englishwoman - and I +don't see why any one should doubt it - and I was born in the +country, neither in the extreme north nor south of our happy isle; +and in the country I have chiefly passed my life, and now I hope +you are satisfied; for I am not disposed to answer any more +questions at present.' + +'Except this - ' + +'No, not one more!' laughed she, and, instantly quitting her seat, +she sought refuge at the window by which I was seated, and, in very +desperation, to escape my brother's persecutions, endeavoured to +draw me into conversation. + +'Mr. Markham,' said she, her rapid utterance and heightened colour +too plainly evincing her disquietude, 'have you forgotten the fine +sea-view we were speaking of some time ago? I think I must trouble +you, now, to tell me the nearest way to it; for if this beautiful +weather continue, I shall, perhaps, be able to walk there, and take +my sketch; I have exhausted every other subject for painting; and I +long to see it.' + +I was about to comply with her request, but Rose would not suffer +me to proceed. + +'Oh, don't tell her, Gilbert!' cried she; 'she shall go with us. +It's - Bay you are thinking about, I suppose, Mrs. Graham? It is a +very long walk, too far for you, and out of the question for +Arthur. But we were thinking about making a picnic to see it some +fine day; and, if you will wait till the settled fine weather +comes, I'm sure we shall all be delighted to have you amongst us.' + +Poor Mrs. Graham looked dismayed, and attempted to make excuses, +but Rose, either compassionating her lonely life, or anxious to +cultivate her acquaintance, was determined to have her; and every +objection was overruled. She was told it would only be a small +party, and all friends, and that the best view of all was from - +Cliffs, full five miles distant. + +'Just a nice walk for the gentlemen,' continued Rose; 'but the +ladies will drive and walk by turns; for we shall have our pony- +carriage, which will be plenty large enough to contain little +Arthur and three ladies, together with your sketching apparatus, +and our provisions.' + +So the proposal was finally acceded to; and, after some further +discussion respecting the time and manner of the projected +excursion, we rose, and took our leave. + +But this was only March: a cold, wet April, and two weeks of May +passed over before we could venture forth on our expedition with +the reasonable hope of obtaining that pleasure we sought in +pleasant prospects, cheerful society, fresh air, good cheer and +exercise, without the alloy of bad roads, cold winds, or +threatening clouds. Then, on a glorious morning, we gathered our +forces and set forth. The company consisted of Mrs. and Master +Graham, Mary and Eliza Millward, Jane and Richard Wilson, and Rose, +Fergus, and Gilbert Markham. + +Mr. Lawrence had been invited to join us, but, for some reason best +known to himself, had refused to give us his company. I had +solicited the favour myself. When I did so, he hesitated, and +asked who were going. Upon my naming Miss Wilson among the rest, +he seemed half inclined to go, but when I mentioned Mrs. Graham, +thinking it might be a further inducement, it appeared to have a +contrary effect, and he declined it altogether, and, to confess the +truth, the decision was not displeasing to me, though I could +scarcely tell you why. + +It was about midday when we reached the place of our destination. +Mrs. Graham walked all the way to the cliffs; and little Arthur +walked the greater part of it too; for he was now much more hardy +and active than when he first entered the neighbourhood, and he did +not like being in the carriage with strangers, while all his four +friends, mamma, and Sancho, and Mr. Markham, and Miss Millward, +were on foot, journeying far behind, or passing through distant +fields and lanes. + +I have a very pleasant recollection of that walk, along the hard, +white, sunny road, shaded here and there with bright green trees, +and adorned with flowery banks and blossoming hedges of delicious +fragrance; or through pleasant fields and lanes, all glorious in +the sweet flowers and brilliant verdure of delightful May. It was +true, Eliza was not beside me; but she was with her friends in the +pony-carriage, as happy, I trusted, as I was; and even when we +pedestrians, having forsaken the highway for a short cut across the +fields, beheld the little carriage far away, disappearing amid the +green, embowering trees, I did not hate those trees for snatching +the dear little bonnet and shawl from my sight, nor did I feel that +all those intervening objects lay between my happiness and me; for, +to confess the truth, I was too happy in the company of Mrs. Graham +to regret the absence of Eliza, Millward. + +The former, it is true, was most provokingly unsociable at first - +seemingly bent upon talking to no one but Mary Millward and Arthur. +She and Mary journeyed along together, generally with the child +between them; - but where the road permitted, I always walked on +the other side of her, Richard Wilson taking the other side of Miss +Millward, and Fergus roving here and there according to his fancy; +and, after a while, she became more friendly, and at length I +succeeded in securing her attention almost entirely to myself - and +then I was happy indeed; for whenever she did condescend to +converse, I liked to listen. Where her opinions and sentiments +tallied with mine, it was her extreme good sense, her exquisite +taste and feeling, that delighted me; where they differed, it was +still her uncompromising boldness in the avowal or defence of that +difference, her earnestness and keenness, that piqued my fancy: +and even when she angered me by her unkind words or looks, and her +uncharitable conclusions respecting me, it only made me the more +dissatisfied with myself for having so unfavourably impressed her, +and the more desirous to vindicate my character and disposition in +her eyes, and, if possible, to win her esteem. + +At length our walk was ended. The increasing height and boldness +of the hills had for some time intercepted the prospect; but, on +gaining the summit of a steep acclivity, and looking downward, an +opening lay before us - and the blue sea burst upon our sight! - +deep violet blue - not deadly calm, but covered with glinting +breakers - diminutive white specks twinkling on its bosom, and +scarcely to be distinguished, by the keenest vision, from the +little seamews that sported above, their white wings glittering in +the sunshine: only one or two vessels were visible, and those were +far away. + +I looked at my companion to see what she thought of this glorious +scene. She said nothing: but she stood still, and fixed her eyes +upon it with a gaze that assured me she was not disappointed. She +had very fine eyes, by-the-by - I don't know whether I have told +you before, but they were full of soul, large, clear, and nearly +black - not brown, but very dark grey. A cool, reviving breeze +blew from the sea - soft, pure, salubrious: it waved her drooping +ringlets, and imparted a livelier colour to her usually too pallid +lip and cheek. She felt its exhilarating influence, and so did I - +I felt it tingling through my frame, but dared not give way to it +while she remained so quiet. There was an aspect of subdued +exhilaration in her face, that kindled into almost a smile of +exalted, glad intelligence as her eye met mine. Never had she +looked so lovely: never had my heart so warmly cleaved to her as +now. Had we been left two minutes longer standing there alone, I +cannot answer for the consequences. Happily for my discretion, +perhaps for my enjoyment during the remainder of the day, we were +speedily summoned to the repast - a very respectable collation, +which Rose, assisted by Miss Wilson and Eliza, who, having shared +her seat in the carriage, had arrived with her a little before the +rest, had set out upon an elevated platform overlooking the sea, +and sheltered from the hot sun by a shelving rock and overhanging +trees. + +Mrs. Graham seated herself at a distance from me. Eliza was my +nearest neighbour. She exerted herself to be agreeable, in her +gentle, unobtrusive way, and was, no doubt, as fascinating and +charming as ever, if I could only have felt it. But soon my heart +began to warm towards her once again; and we were all very merry +and happy together - as far as I could see - throughout the +protracted social meal. + +When that was over, Rose summoned Fergus to help her to gather up +the fragments, and the knives, dishes, &c., and restore them to the +baskets; and Mrs. Graham took her camp-stool and drawing materials; +and having begged Miss Millward to take charge of her precious son, +and strictly enjoined him not to wander from his new guardian's +side, she left us and proceeded along the steep, stony hill, to a +loftier, more precipitous eminence at some distance, whence a still +finer prospect was to be had, where she preferred taking her +sketch, though some of the ladies told her it was a frightful +place, and advised her not to attempt it. + +When she was gone, I felt as if there was to be no more fun - +though it is difficult to say what she had contributed to the +hilarity of the party. No jests, and little laughter, had escaped +her lips; but her smile had animated my mirth; a keen observation +or a cheerful word from her had insensibly sharpened my wits, and +thrown an interest over all that was done and said by the rest. +Even my conversation with Eliza had been enlivened by her presence, +though I knew it not; and now that she was gone, Eliza's playful +nonsense ceased to amuse me - nay, grew wearisome to my soul, and I +grew weary of amusing her: I felt myself drawn by an irresistible +attraction to that distant point where the fair artist sat and +plied her solitary task - and not long did I attempt to resist it: +while my little neighbour was exchanging a few words with Miss +Wilson, I rose and cannily slipped away. A few rapid strides, and +a little active clambering, soon brought me to the place where she +was seated - a narrow ledge of rock at the very verge of the cliff, +which descended with a steep, precipitous slant, quite down to the +rocky shore. + +She did not hear me coming: the falling of my shadow across her +paper gave her an electric start; and she looked hastily round - +any other lady of my acquaintance would have screamed under such a +sudden alarm. + +'Oh! I didn't know it was you. - Why did you startle me so?' said +she, somewhat testily. 'I hate anybody to come upon me so +unexpectedly.' + +'Why, what did you take me for?' said I: 'if I had known you were +so nervous, I would have been more cautious; but - ' + +'Well, never mind. What did you come for? are they all coming?' + +'No; this little ledge could scarcely contain them all.' + +'I'm glad, for I'm tired of talking.' + +'Well, then, I won't talk. I'll only sit and watch your drawing.' + +'Oh, but you know I don't like that.' + +'Then I'll content myself with admiring this magnificent prospect.' + +She made no objection to this; and, for some time, sketched away in +silence. But I could not help stealing a glance, now and then, +from the splendid view at our feet to the elegant white hand that +held the pencil, and the graceful neck and glossy raven curls that +drooped over the paper. + +'Now,' thought I, 'if I had but a pencil and a morsel of paper, I +could make a lovelier sketch than hers, admitting I had the power +to delineate faithfully what is before me.' + +But, though this satisfaction was denied me, I was very well +content to sit beside her there, and say nothing. + +'Are you there still, Mr. Markham?' said she at length, looking +round upon me - for I was seated a little behind on a mossy +projection of the cliff. - 'Why don't you go and amuse yourself +with your friends?' + +'Because I am tired of them, like you; and I shall have enough of +them to-morrow - or at any time hence; but you I may not have the +pleasure of seeing again for I know not how long.' + +'What was Arthur doing when you came away?' + +'He was with Miss Millward, where you left him - all right, but +hoping mamma would not be long away. You didn't intrust him to me, +by-the-by,' I grumbled, 'though I had the honour of a much longer +acquaintance; but Miss Millward has the art of conciliating and +amusing children,' I carelessly added, 'if she is good for nothing +else.' + +'Miss Millward has many estimable qualities, which such as you +cannot be expected to perceive or appreciate. Will you tell Arthur +that I shall come in a few minutes?' + +'If that be the case, I will wait, with your permission, till those +few minutes are past; and then I can assist you to descend this +difficult path.' + +'Thank you - I always manage best, on such occasions, without +assistance.' + +'But, at least, I can carry your stool and sketch-book.' + +She did not deny me this favour; but I was rather offended at her +evident desire to be rid of me, and was beginning to repent of my +pertinacity, when she somewhat appeased me by consulting my taste +and judgment about some doubtful matter in her drawing. My +opinion, happily, met her approbation, and the improvement I +suggested was adopted without hesitation. + +'I have often wished in vain,' said she, 'for another's judgment to +appeal to when I could scarcely trust the direction of my own eye +and head, they having been so long occupied with the contemplation +of a single object as to become almost incapable of forming a +proper idea respecting it.' + +'That,' replied I, 'is only one of many evils to which a solitary +life exposes us.' + +'True,' said she; and again we relapsed into silence. + +About two minutes after, however, she declared her sketch +completed, and closed the book. + +On returning to the scene of our repast we found all the company +had deserted it, with the exception of three - Mary Millward, +Richard Wilson, and Arthur Graham. The younger gentleman lay fast +asleep with his head pillowed on the lady's lap; the other was +seated beside her with a pocket edition of some classic author in +his hand. He never went anywhere without such a companion +wherewith to improve his leisure moments: all time seemed lost +that was not devoted to study, or exacted, by his physical nature, +for the bare support of life. Even now he could not abandon +himself to the enjoyment of that pure air and balmy sunshine - that +splendid prospect, and those soothing sounds, the music of the +waves and of the soft wind in the sheltering trees above him - not +even with a lady by his side (though not a very charming one, I +will allow) - he must pull out his book, and make the most of his +time while digesting his temperate meal, and reposing his weary +limbs, unused to so much exercise. + +Perhaps, however, he spared a moment to exchange a word or a glance +with his companion now and then - at any rate, she did not appear +at all resentful of his conduct; for her homely features wore an +expression of unusual cheerfulness and serenity, and she was +studying his pale, thoughtful face with great complacency when we +arrived. + +The journey homeward was by no means so agreeable to me as the +former part of the day: for now Mrs. Graham was in the carriage, +and Eliza Millward was the companion of my walk. She had observed +my preference for the young widow, and evidently felt herself +neglected. She did not manifest her chagrin by keen reproaches, +bitter sarcasms, or pouting sullen silence - any or all of these I +could easily have endured, or lightly laughed away; but she showed +it by a kind of gentle melancholy, a mild, reproachful sadness that +cut me to the heart. I tried to cheer her up, and apparently +succeeded in some degree, before the walk was over; but in the very +act my conscience reproved me, knowing, as I did, that, sooner or +later, the tie must be broken, and this was only nourishing false +hopes and putting off the evil day. + +When the pony-carriage had approached as near Wildfell Hall as the +road would permit - unless, indeed, it proceeded up the long rough +lane, which Mrs. Graham would not allow - the young widow and her +son alighted, relinquishing the driver's seat to Rose; and I +persuaded Eliza to take the latter's place. Having put her +comfortably in, bid her take care of the evening air, and wished +her a kind good-night, I felt considerably relieved, and hastened +to offer my services to Mrs. Graham to carry her apparatus up the +fields, but she had already hung her camp-stool on her arm and +taken her sketch-book in her hand, and insisted upon bidding me +adieu then and there, with the rest of the company. But this time +she declined my proffered aid in so kind and friendly a manner that +I almost forgave her. + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + + +Six weeks had passed away. It was a splendid morning about the +close of June. Most of the hay was cut, but the last week had been +very unfavourable; and now that fine weather was come at last, +being determined to make the most of it, I had gathered all hands +together into the hay-field, and was working away myself, in the +midst of them, in my shirt-sleeves, with a light, shady straw hat +on my head, catching up armfuls of moist, reeking grass, and +shaking it out to the four winds of heaven, at the head of a goodly +file of servants and hirelings - intending so to labour, from +morning till night, with as much zeal and assiduity as I could look +for from any of them, as well to prosper the work by my own +exertion as to animate the workers by my example - when lo! my +resolutions were overthrown in a moment, by the simple fact of my +brother's running up to me and putting into my hand a small parcel, +just arrived from London, which I had been for some time expecting. +I tore off the cover, and disclosed an elegant and portable edition +of 'Marmion.' + +'I guess I know who that's for,' said Fergus, who stood looking on +while I complacently examined the volume. 'That's for Miss Eliza, +now.' + +He pronounced this with a tone and look so prodigiously knowing, +that I was glad to contradict him. + +'You're wrong, my lad,' said I; and, taking up my coat, I deposited +the book in one of its pockets, and then put it on (i.e. the coat). +'Now come here, you idle dog, and make yourself useful for once,' I +continued. 'Pull off your coat, and take my place in the field +till I come back.' + +'Till you come back? - and where are you going, pray? + +'No matter where - the when is all that concerns you; - and I shall +be back by dinner, at least.' + +'Oh - oh! and I'm to labour away till then, am I? - and to keep all +these fellows hard at it besides? Well, well! I'll submit - for +once in a way. - Come, my lads, you must look sharp: I'm come to +help you now:- and woe be to that man, or woman either, that pauses +for a moment amongst you - whether to stare about him, to scratch +his head, or blow his nose - no pretext will serve - nothing but +work, work, work in the sweat of your face,' &c., &c. + +Leaving him thus haranguing the people, more to their amusement +than edification, I returned to the house, and, having made some +alteration in my toilet, hastened away to Wildfell Hall, with the +book in my pocket; for it was destined for the shelves of Mrs. +Graham. + +'What! then had she and you got on so well together as to come to +the giving and receiving of presents?' - Not precisely, old buck; +this was my first experiment in that line; and I was very anxious +to see the result of it. + +We had met several times since the - Bay excursion, and I had found +she was not averse to my company, provided I confined my +conversation to the discussion of abstract matters, or topics of +common interest; - the moment I touched upon the sentimental or the +complimentary, or made the slightest approach to tenderness in word +or look, I was not only punished by an immediate change in her +manner at the time, but doomed to find her more cold and distant, +if not entirely inaccessible, when next I sought her company. This +circumstance did not greatly disconcert me, however, because I +attributed it, not so much to any dislike of my person, as to some +absolute resolution against a second marriage formed prior to the +time of our acquaintance, whether from excess of affection for her +late husband, or because she had had enough of him and the +matrimonial state together. At first, indeed, she had seemed to +take a pleasure in mortifying my vanity and crushing my presumption +- relentlessly nipping off bud by bud as they ventured to appear; +and then, I confess, I was deeply wounded, though, at the same +time, stimulated to seek revenge; - but latterly finding, beyond a +doubt, that I was not that empty-headed coxcomb she had first +supposed me, she had repulsed my modest advances in quite a +different spirit. It was a kind of serious, almost sorrowful +displeasure, which I soon learnt carefully to avoid awakening. + +'Let me first establish my position as a friend,' thought I - 'the +patron and playfellow of her son, the sober, solid, plain-dealing +friend of herself, and then, when I have made myself fairly +necessary to her comfort and enjoyment in life (as I believe I +can), we'll see what next may be effected.' + +So we talked about painting, poetry, and music, theology, geology, +and philosophy: once or twice I lent her a book, and once she lent +me one in return: I met her in her walks as often as I could; I +came to her house as often as I dared. My first pretext for +invading the sanctum was to bring Arthur a little waddling puppy of +which Sancho was the father, and which delighted the child beyond +expression, and, consequently, could not fail to please his mamma. +My second was to bring him a book, which, knowing his mother's +particularity, I had carefully selected, and which I submitted for +her approbation before presenting it to him. Then, I brought her +some plants for her garden, in my sister's name - having previously +persuaded Rose to send them. Each of these times I inquired after +the picture she was painting from the sketch taken on the cliff, +and was admitted into the studio, and asked my opinion or advice +respecting its progress. + +My last visit had been to return the book she had lent me; and then +it was that, in casually discussing the poetry of Sir Walter Scott, +she had expressed a wish to see 'Marmion,' and I had conceived the +presumptuous idea of making her a present of it, and, on my return +home, instantly sent for the smart little volume I had this morning +received. But an apology for invading the hermitage was still +necessary; so I had furnished myself with a blue morocco collar for +Arthur's little dog; and that being given and received, with much +more joy and gratitude, on the part of the receiver, than the worth +of the gift or the selfish motive of the giver deserved, I ventured +to ask Mrs. Graham for one more look at the picture, if it was +still there. + +'Oh, yes! come in,' said she (for I had met them in the garden). +'It is finished and framed, all ready for sending away; but give me +your last opinion, and if you can suggest any further improvement, +it shall be - duly considered, at least.' + +The picture was strikingly beautiful; it was the very scene itself, +transferred as if by magic to the canvas; but I expressed my +approbation in guarded terms, and few words, for fear of +displeasing her. She, however, attentively watched my looks, and +her artist's pride was gratified, no doubt, to read my heartfelt +admiration in my eyes. But, while I gazed, I thought upon the +book, and wondered how it was to be presented. My heart failed me; +but I determined not to be such a fool as to come away without +having made the attempt. It was useless waiting for an +opportunity, and useless trying to concoct a speech for the +occasion. The more plainly and naturally the thing was done, the +better, I thought; so I just looked out of the window to screw up +my courage, and then pulled out the book, turned round, and put it +into her hand, with this short explanation: + +'You were wishing to see 'Marmion,' Mrs. Graham; and here it is, if +you will be so kind as to take it.' + +A momentary blush suffused her face - perhaps, a blush of +sympathetic shame for such an awkward style of presentation: she +gravely examined the volume on both sides; then silently turned +over the leaves, knitting her brows the while, in serious +cogitation; then closed the book, and turning from it to me, +quietly asked the price of it - I felt the hot blood rush to my +face. + +'I'm sorry to offend you, Mr. Markham,' said she, 'but unless I pay +for the book, I cannot take it.' And she laid it on the table. + +'Why cannot you?' + +'Because,' - she paused, and looked at the carpet. + +'Why cannot you?' I repeated, with a degree of irascibility that +roused her to lift her eyes and look me steadily in the face. + +'Because I don't like to put myself under obligations that I can +never repay - I am obliged to you already for your kindness to my +son; but his grateful affection and your own good feelings must +reward you for that.' + +'Nonsense!' ejaculated I. + +She turned her eyes on me again, with a look of quiet, grave +surprise, that had the effect of a rebuke, whether intended for +such or not. + +'Then you won't take the book?' I asked, more mildly than I had yet +spoken. + +'I will gladly take it, if you will let me pay for it.' I told her +the exact price, and the cost of the carriage besides, in as calm a +tone as I could command - for, in fact, I was ready to weep with +disappointment and vexation. + +She produced her purse, and coolly counted out the money, but +hesitated to put it into my hand. Attentively regarding me, in a +tone of soothing softness, she observed, - 'You think yourself +insulted, Mr Markham - I wish I could make you understand that - +that I - ' + +'I do understand you, perfectly,' I said. 'You think that if you +were to accept that trifle from me now, I should presume upon it +hereafter; but you are mistaken:- if you will only oblige me by +taking it, believe me, I shall build no hopes upon it, and consider +this no precedent for future favours:- and it is nonsense to talk +about putting yourself under obligations to me when you must know +that in such a case the obligation is entirely on my side, - the +favour on yours.' + +'Well, then, I'll take you at your word,' she answered, with a most +angelic smile, returning the odious money to her purse - 'but +remember!' + +'I will remember - what I have said; - but do not you punish my +presumption by withdrawing your friendship entirely from me, - or +expect me to atone for it by being more distant than before,' said +I, extending my hand to take leave, for I was too much excited to +remain. + +'Well, then! let us be as we were,' replied she, frankly placing +her hand in mine; and while I held it there, I had much difficulty +to refrain from pressing it to my lips; - but that would be +suicidal madness: I had been bold enough already, and this +premature offering had well-nigh given the death-blow to my hopes. + +It was with an agitated, burning heart and brain that I hurried +homewards, regardless of that scorching noonday sun - forgetful of +everything but her I had just left - regretting nothing but her +impenetrability, and my own precipitancy and want of tact - fearing +nothing but her hateful resolution, and my inability to overcome it +- hoping nothing - but halt, - I will not bore you with my +conflicting hopes and fears - my serious cogitations and resolves. + + + +CHAPTER IX + + + +Though my affections might now be said to be fairly weaned from +Eliza Millward, I did not yet entirely relinquish my visits to the +vicarage, because I wanted, as it were, to let her down easy; +without raising much sorrow, or incurring much resentment, - or +making myself the talk of the parish; and besides, if I had wholly +kept away, the vicar, who looked upon my visits as paid chiefly, if +not entirely, to himself, would have felt himself decidedly +affronted by the neglect. But when I called there the day after my +interview with Mrs. Graham, he happened to be from home - a +circumstance by no means so agreeable to me now as it had been on +former occasions. Miss Millward was there, it is true, but she, of +course, would be little better than a nonentity. However, I +resolved to make my visit a short one, and to talk to Eliza in a +brotherly, friendly sort of way, such as our long acquaintance +might warrant me in assuming, and which, I thought, could neither +give offence nor serve to encourage false hopes. + +It was never my custom to talk about Mrs. Graham either to her or +any one else; but I had not been seated three minutes before she +brought that lady on to the carpet herself in a rather remarkable +manner. + +'Oh, Mr. Markham!' said she, with a shocked expression and voice +subdued almost to a whisper, 'what do you think of these shocking +reports about Mrs. Graham? - can you encourage us to disbelieve +them?' + +'What reports?' + +'Ah, now! you know!' she slily smiled and shook her head. + +'I know nothing about them. What in the world do you mean, Eliza?' + +'Oh, don't ask me! I can't explain it.' She took up the cambric +handkerchief which she had been beautifying with a deep lace +border, and began to be very busy. + +'What is it, Miss Millward? what does she mean?' said I, appealing +to her sister, who seemed to be absorbed in the hemming of a large, +coarse sheet. + +'I don't know,' replied she. 'Some idle slander somebody has been +inventing, I suppose. I never heard it till Eliza told me the +other day, - but if all the parish dinned it in my ears, I +shouldn't believe a word of it - I know Mrs. Graham too well!' + +'Quite right, Miss Millward! - and so do I - whatever it may be.' + +'Well,' observed Eliza, with a gentle sigh, 'it's well to have such +a comfortable assurance regarding the worth of those we love. I +only wish you may not find your confidence misplaced.' + +And she raised her face, and gave me such a look of sorrowful +tenderness as might have melted my heart, but within those eyes +there lurked a something that I did not like; and I wondered how I +ever could have admired them - her sister's honest face and small +grey optics appeared far more agreeable. But I was out of temper +with Eliza at that moment for her insinuations against Mrs. Graham, +which were false, I was certain, whether she knew it or not. + +I said nothing more on the subject, however, at the time, and but +little on any other; for, finding I could not well recover my +equanimity, I presently rose and took leave, excusing myself under +the plea of business at the farm; and to the farm I went, not +troubling my mind one whit about the possible truth of these +mysterious reports, but only wondering what they were, by whom +originated, and on what foundations raised, and how they could the +most effectually be silenced or disproved. + +A few days after this we had another of our quiet little parties, +to which the usual company of friends and neighbours had been +invited, and Mrs. Graham among the number. She could not now +absent herself under the plea of dark evenings or inclement +weather, and, greatly to my relief, she came. Without her I should +have found the whole affair an intolerable bore; but the moment of +her arrival brought new life to the house, and though I might not +neglect the other guests for her, or expect to engross much of her +attention and conversation to myself alone, I anticipated an +evening of no common enjoyment. + +Mr. Lawrence came too. He did not arrive till some time after the +rest were assembled. I was curious to see how he would comport +himself to Mrs. Graham. A slight bow was all that passed between +them on his entrance; and having politely greeted the other members +of the company, he seated himself quite aloof from the young widow, +between my mother and Rose. + +'Did you ever see such art?' whispered Eliza, who was my nearest +neighbour. 'Would you not say they were perfect strangers?' + +'Almost; but what then?' + +'What then; why, you can't pretend to be ignorant?' + +'Ignorant of what?' demanded I, so sharply that she started and +replied, - + +'Oh, hush! don't speak so loud.' + +'Well, tell me then,' I answered in a lower tone, 'what is it you +mean? I hate enigmas.' + +'Well, you know, I don't vouch for the truth of it - indeed, far +from it - but haven't you heard -?' + +'I've heard nothing, except from you.' + +'You must be wilfully deaf then, for anyone will tell you that; but +I shall only anger you by repeating it, I see, so I had better hold +my tongue.' + +She closed her lips and folded her hands before her, with an air of +injured meekness. + +'If you had wished not to anger me, you should have held your +tongue from the beginning, or else spoken out plainly and honestly +all you had to say.' + +She turned aside her face, pulled out her handkerchief, rose, and +went to the window, where she stood for some time, evidently +dissolved in tears. I was astounded, provoked, ashamed - not so +much of my harshness as for her childish weakness. However, no one +seemed to notice her, and shortly after we were summoned to the +tea-table: in those parts it was customary to sit to the table at +tea-time on all occasions, and make a meal of it, for we dined +early. On taking my seat, I had Rose on one side of me and an +empty chair on the other. + +'May I sit by you?' said a soft voice at my elbow. + +'If you like,' was the reply; and Eliza slipped into the vacant +chair; then, looking up in my face with a half-sad, half-playful +smile, she whispered, - 'You're so stern, Gilbert.' + +I handed down her tea with a slightly contemptuous smile, and said +nothing, for I had nothing to say. + +'What have I done to offend you?' said she, more plaintively. 'I +wish I knew.' + +'Come, take your tea, Eliza, and don't be foolish,' responded I, +handing her the sugar and cream. + +Just then there arose a slight commotion on the other side of me, +occasioned by Miss Wilson's coming to negotiate an exchange of +seats with Rose. + +'Will you be so good as to exchange places with me, Miss Markham?' +said she; 'for I don't like to sit by Mrs. Graham. If your mamma +thinks proper to invite such persons to her house, she cannot +object to her daughter's keeping company with them.' + +This latter clause was added in a sort of soliloquy when Rose was +gone; but I was not polite enough to let it pass. + +'Will you be so good as to tell me what you mean, Miss Wilson?' +said I. + +The question startled her a little, but not much. + +'Why, Mr. Markham,' replied she, coolly, having quickly recovered +her self-possession, 'it surprises me rather that Mrs. Markham +should invite such a person as Mrs. Graham to her house; but, +perhaps, she is not aware that the lady's character is considered +scarcely respectable.' + +'She is not, nor am I; and therefore you would oblige me by +explaining your meaning a little further.' + +'This is scarcely the time or the place for such explanations; but +I think you can hardly be so ignorant as you pretend - you must +know her as well as I do.' + +'I think I do, perhaps a little better; and therefore, if you will +inform me what you have heard or imagined against her, I shall, +perhaps, be able to set you right.' + +'Can you tell me, then, who was her husband, or if she ever had +any?' + +Indignation kept me silent. At such a time and place I could not +trust myself to answer. + +'Have you never observed,' said Eliza, 'what a striking likeness +there is between that child of hers and - ' + +'And whom?' demanded Miss Wilson, with an air of cold, but keen +severity. + +Eliza was startled; the timidly spoken suggestion had been intended +for my ear alone. + +'Oh, I beg your pardon!' pleaded she; 'I may be mistaken - perhaps +I was mistaken.' But she accompanied the words with a sly glance +of derision directed to me from the corner of her disingenuous eye. + +'There's no need to ask my pardon,' replied her friend, 'but I see +no one here that at all resembles that child, except his mother, +and when you hear ill-natured reports, Miss Eliza, I will thank +you, that is, I think you will do well, to refrain from repeating +them. I presume the person you allude to is Mr. Lawrence; but I +think I can assure you that your suspicions, in that respect, are +utterly misplaced; and if he has any particular connection with the +lady at all (which no one has a right to assert), at least he has +(what cannot be said of some others) sufficient sense of propriety +to withhold him from acknowledging anything more than a bowing +acquaintance in the presence of respectable persons; he was +evidently both surprised and annoyed to find her here.' + +'Go it!' cried Fergus, who sat on the other side of Eliza, and was +the only individual who shared that side of the table with us. 'Go +it like bricks! mind you don't leave her one stone upon another.' + +Miss Wilson drew herself up with a look of freezing scorn, but said +nothing. Eliza would have replied, but I interrupted her by saying +as calmly as I could, though in a tone which betrayed, no doubt, +some little of what I felt within, - 'We have had enough of this +subject; if we can only speak to slander our betters, let us hold +our tongues.' + +'I think you'd better,' observed Fergus, 'and so does our good +parson; he has been addressing the company in his richest vein all +the while, and eyeing you, from time to time, with looks of stern +distaste, while you sat there, irreverently whispering and +muttering together; and once he paused in the middle of a story or +a sermon, I don't know which, and fixed his eyes upon you, Gilbert, +as much as to say, "When Mr. Markham has done flirting with those +two ladies I will proceed."' + +What more was said at the tea-table I cannot tell, nor how I found +patience to sit till the meal was over. I remember, however, that +I swallowed with difficulty the remainder of the tea that was in my +cup, and ate nothing; and that the first thing I did was to stare +at Arthur Graham, who sat beside his mother on the opposite side of +the table, and the second to stare at Mr. Lawrence, who sat below; +and, first, it struck me that there was a likeness; but, on further +contemplation, I concluded it was only in imagination. + +Both, it is true, had more delicate features and smaller bones than +commonly fall to the lot of individuals of the rougher sex, and +Lawrence's complexion was pale and clear, and Arthur's delicately +fair; but Arthur's tiny, somewhat snubby nose could never become so +long and straight as Mr. Lawrence's; and the outline of his face, +though not full enough to be round, and too finely converging to +the small, dimpled chin to be square, could never be drawn out to +the long oval of the other's, while the child's hair was evidently +of a lighter, warmer tint than the elder gentleman's had ever been, +and his large, clear blue eyes, though prematurely serious at +times, were utterly dissimilar to the shy hazel eyes of Mr. +Lawrence, whence the sensitive soul looked so distrustfully forth, +as ever ready to retire within, from the offences of a too rude, +too uncongenial world. Wretch that I was to harbour that +detestable idea for a moment! Did I not know Mrs. Graham? Had I +not seen her, conversed with her time after time? Was I not +certain that she, in intellect, in purity and elevation of soul, +was immeasurably superior to any of her detractors; that she was, +in fact, the noblest, the most adorable, of her sex I had ever +beheld, or even imagined to exist? Yes, and I would say with Mary +Millward (sensible girl as she was), that if all the parish, ay, or +all the world, should din these horrible lies in my ears, I would +not believe them, for I knew her better than they. + +Meantime, my brain was on fire with indignation, and my heart +seemed ready to burst from its prison with conflicting passions. I +regarded my two fair neighbours with a feeling of abhorrence and +loathing I scarcely endeavoured to conceal. I was rallied from +several quarters for my abstraction and ungallant neglect of the +ladies; but I cared little for that: all I cared about, besides +that one grand subject of my thoughts, was to see the cups travel +up to the tea-tray, and not come down again. I thought Mr. +Millward never would cease telling us that he was no tea-drinker, +and that it was highly injurious to keep loading the stomach with +slops to the exclusion of more wholesome sustenance, and so give +himself time to finish his fourth cup. + +At length it was over; and I rose and left the table and the guests +without a word of apology - I could endure their company no longer. +I rushed out to cool my brain in the balmy evening air, and to +compose my mind or indulge my passionate thoughts in the solitude +of the garden. + +To avoid being seen from the windows I went down a quiet little +avenue that skirted one side of the inclosure, at the bottom of +which was a seat embowered in roses and honeysuckles. Here I sat +down to think over the virtues and wrongs of the lady of Wildfell +Hall; but I had not been so occupied two minutes, before voices and +laughter, and glimpses of moving objects through the trees, +informed me that the whole company had turned out to take an airing +in the garden too. However, I nestled up in a corner of the bower, +and hoped to retain possession of it, secure alike from observation +and intrusion. But no - confound it - there was some one coming +down the avenue! Why couldn't they enjoy the flowers and sunshine +of the open garden, and leave that sunless nook to me, and the +gnats and midges? + +But, peeping through my fragrant screen of the interwoven branches +to discover who the intruders were (for a murmur of voices told me +it was more than one), my vexation instantly subsided, and far +other feelings agitated my still unquiet soul; for there was Mrs. +Graham, slowly moving down the walk with Arthur by her side, and no +one else. Why were they alone? Had the poison of detracting +tongues already spread through all; and had they all turned their +backs upon her? I now recollected having seen Mrs. Wilson, in the +early part of the evening, edging her chair close up to my mother, +and bending forward, evidently in the delivery of some important +confidential intelligence; and from the incessant wagging of her +head, the frequent distortions of her wrinkled physiognomy, and the +winking and malicious twinkle of her little ugly eyes, I judged it +was some spicy piece of scandal that engaged her powers; and from +the cautious privacy of the communication I supposed some person +then present was the luckless object of her calumnies: and from +all these tokens, together with my mother's looks and gestures of +mingled horror and incredulity, I now concluded that object to have +been Mrs. Graham. I did not emerge from my place of concealment +till she had nearly reached the bottom of the walk, lest my +appearance should drive her away; and when I did step forward she +stood still and seemed inclined to turn back as it was. + +'Oh, don't let us disturb you, Mr. Markham!' said she. 'We came +here to seek retirement ourselves, not to intrude on your +seclusion.' + +'I am no hermit, Mrs. Graham - though I own it looks rather like it +to absent myself in this uncourteous fashion from my guests.' + +'I feared you were unwell,' said she, with a look of real concern. + +'I was rather, but it's over now. Do sit here a little and rest, +and tell me how you like this arbour,' said I, and, lifting Arthur +by the shoulders, I planted him in the middle of the seat by way of +securing his mamma, who, acknowledging it to be a tempting place of +refuge, threw herself back in one corner, while I took possession +of the other. + +But that word refuge disturbed me. Had their unkindness then +really driven her to seek for peace in solitude? + +'Why have they left you alone?' I asked. + +'It is I who have left them,' was the smiling rejoinder. 'I was +wearied to death with small talk - nothing wears me out like that. +I cannot imagine how they can go on as they do.' + +I could not help smiling at the serious depth of her wonderment. + +'Is it that they think it a duty to be continually talking,' +pursued she: 'and so never pause to think, but fill up with +aimless trifles and vain repetitions when subjects of real interest +fail to present themselves, or do they really take a pleasure in +such discourse?' + +'Very likely they do,' said I; 'their shallow minds can hold no +great ideas, and their light heads are carried away by trivialities +that would not move a better-furnished skull; and their only +alternative to such discourse is to plunge over head and ears into +the slough of scandal - which is their chief delight.' + +'Not all of them, surely?' cried the lady, astonished at the +bitterness of my remark. + +'No, certainly; I exonerate my sister from such degraded tastes, +and my mother too, if you included her in your animadversions.' + +'I meant no animadversions against any one, and certainly intended +no disrespectful allusions to your mother. I have known some +sensible persons great adepts in that style of conversation when +circumstances impelled them to it; but it is a gift I cannot boast +the possession of. I kept up my attention on this occasion as long +as I could, but when my powers were exhausted I stole away to seek +a few minutes' repose in this quiet walk. I hate talking where +there is no exchange of ideas or sentiments, and no good given or +received.' + +'Well,' said I, 'if ever I trouble you with my loquacity, tell me +so at once, and I promise not to be offended; for I possess the +faculty of enjoying the company of those I - of my friends as well +in silence as in conversation.' + +'I don't quite believe you; but if it were so you would exactly +suit me for a companion.' + +'I am all you wish, then, in other respects?' + +'No, I don't mean that. How beautiful those little clusters of +foliage look, where the sun comes through behind them!' said she, +on purpose to change the subject. + +And they did look beautiful, where at intervals the level rays of +the sun penetrating the thickness of trees and shrubs on the +opposite side of the path before us, relieved their dusky verdure +by displaying patches of semi-transparent leaves of resplendent +golden green. + +'I almost wish I were not a painter,' observed my companion. + +'Why so? one would think at such a time you would most exult in +your privilege of being able to imitate the various brilliant and +delightful touches of nature.' + +'No; for instead of delivering myself up to the full enjoyment of +them as others do, I am always troubling my head about how I could +produce the same effect upon canvas; and as that can never be done, +it is more vanity and vexation of spirit.' + +'Perhaps you cannot do it to satisfy yourself, but you may and do +succeed in delighting others with the result of your endeavours.' + +'Well, after all, I should not complain: perhaps few people gain +their livelihood with so much pleasure in their toil as I do. Here +is some one coming.' + +She seemed vexed at the interruption. + +'It is only Mr. Lawrence and Miss Wilson,' said I, 'coming to enjoy +a quiet stroll. They will not disturb us.' + +I could not quite decipher the expression of her face; but I was +satisfied there was no jealousy therein. What business had I to +look for it? + +'What sort of a person is Miss Wilson?' she asked. + +'She is elegant and accomplished above the generality of her birth +and station; and some say she is ladylike and agreeable.' + +'I thought her somewhat frigid and rather supercilious in her +manner to-day.' + +'Very likely she might be so to you. She has possibly taken a +prejudice against you, for I think she regards you in the light of +a rival.' + +'Me! Impossible, Mr. Markham!' said she, evidently astonished and +annoyed. + +'Well, I know nothing about it,' returned I, rather doggedly; for I +thought her annoyance was chiefly against myself. + +The pair had now approached within a few paces of us. Our arbour +was set snugly back in a corner, before which the avenue at its +termination turned off into the more airy walk along the bottom of +the garden. As they approached this, I saw, by the aspect of Jane +Wilson, that she was directing her companion's attention to us; +and, as well by her cold, sarcastic smile as by the few isolated +words of her discourse that reached me, I knew full well that she +was impressing him with the idea, that we were strongly attached to +each other. I noticed that he coloured up to the temples, gave us +one furtive glance in passing, and walked on, looking grave, but +seemingly offering no reply to her remarks. + +It was true, then, that he had some designs upon Mrs. Graham; and, +were they honourable, he would not be so anxious to conceal them. +She was blameless, of course, but he was detestable beyond all +count. + +While these thoughts flashed through my mind, my companion abruptly +rose, and calling her son, said they would now go in quest of the +company, and departed up the avenue. Doubtless she had heard or +guessed something of Miss Wilson's remarks, and therefore it was +natural enough she should choose to continue the TETE-E-TETE no +longer, especially as at that moment my cheeks were burning with +indignation against my former friend, the token of which she might +mistake for a blush of stupid embarrassment. For this I owed Miss +Wilson yet another grudge; and still the more I thought upon her +conduct the more I hated her. + +It was late in the evening before I joined the company. I found +Mrs. Graham already equipped for departure, and taking leave of the +rest, who were now returned to the house. I offered, nay, begged +to accompany her home. Mr. Lawrence was standing by at the time +conversing with some one else. He did not look at us, but, on +hearing my earnest request, he paused in the middle of a sentence +to listen for her reply, and went on, with a look of quiet +satisfaction, the moment he found it was to be a denial. + +A denial it was, decided, though not unkind. She could not be +persuaded to think there was danger for herself or her child in +traversing those lonely lanes and fields without attendance. It +was daylight still, and she should meet no one; or if she did, the +people were quiet and harmless she was well assured. In fact, she +would not hear of any one's putting himself out of the way to +accompany her, though Fergus vouchsafed to offer his services in +case they should be more acceptable than mine, and my mother begged +she might send one of the farming-men to escort her. + +When she was gone the rest was all a blank or worse. Lawrence +attempted to draw me into conversation, but I snubbed him and went +to another part of the room. Shortly after the party broke up and +he himself took leave. When he came to me I was blind to his +extended hand, and deaf to his good-night till he repeated it a +second time; and then, to get rid of him, I muttered an +inarticulate reply, accompanied by a sulky nod. + +'What is the matter, Markham?' whispered he. + +I replied by a wrathful and contemptuous stare. + +'Are you angry because Mrs. Graham would not let you go home with +her?' he asked, with a faint smile that nearly exasperated me +beyond control. + +But, swallowing down all fiercer answers, I merely demanded, - +'What business is it of yours?' + +'Why, none,' replied he with provoking quietness; 'only,' - and he +raised his eyes to my face, and spoke with unusual solemnity, - +'only let me tell you, Markham, that if you have any designs in +that quarter, they will certainly fail; and it grieves me to see +you cherishing false hopes, and wasting your strength in useless +efforts, for - ' + +'Hypocrite!' I exclaimed; and he held his breath, and looked very +blank, turned white about the gills, and went away without another +word. + +I had wounded him to the quick; and I was glad of it. + + + +CHAPTER X + + + +When all were gone, I learnt that the vile slander had indeed been +circulated throughout the company, in the very presence of the +victim. Rose, however, vowed she did not and would not believe it, +and my mother made the same declaration, though not, I fear, with +the same amount of real, unwavering incredulity. It seemed to +dwell continually on her mind, and she kept irritating me from time +to time by such expressions as - 'Dear, dear, who would have +thought it! - Well! I always thought there was something odd about +her. - You see what it is for women to affect to be different to +other people.' And once it was, - 'I misdoubted that appearance of +mystery from the very first - I thought there would no good come of +it; but this is a sad, sad business, to be sure!' + +'Why, mother, you said you didn't believe these tales,' said +Fergus. + +'No more I do, my dear; but then, you know, there must be some +foundation.' + +'The foundation is in the wickedness and falsehood of the world,' +said I, 'and in the fact that Mr. Lawrence has been seen to go that +way once or twice of an evening - and the village gossips say he +goes to pay his addresses to the strange lady, and the scandal- +mongers have greedily seized the rumour, to make it the basis of +their own infernal structure.' + +'Well, but, Gilbert, there must be something in her manner to +countenance such reports.' + +'Did you see anything in her manner?' + +'No, certainly; but then, you know, I always said there was +something strange about her.' + +I believe it was on that very evening that I ventured on another +invasion of Wildfell Hall. From the time of our party, which was +upwards of a week ago, I had been making daily efforts to meet its +mistress in her walks; and always disappointed (she must have +managed it so on purpose), had nightly kept revolving in my mind +some pretext for another call. At length I concluded that the +separation could be endured no longer (by this time, you will see, +I was pretty far gone); and, taking from the book-case an old +volume that I thought she might be interested in, though, from its +unsightly and somewhat dilapidated condition, I had not yet +ventured to offer it for perusal, I hastened away, - but not +without sundry misgivings as to how she would receive me, or how I +could summon courage to present myself with so slight an excuse. +But, perhaps, I might see her in the field or the garden, and then +there would be no great difficulty: it was the formal knocking at +the door, with the prospect of being gravely ushered in by Rachel, +to the presence of a surprised, uncordial mistress, that so greatly +disturbed me. + +My wish, however, was not gratified. Mrs. Graham herself was not +to be seen; but there was Arthur playing with his frolicsome little +dog in the garden. I looked over the gate and called him to me. +He wanted me to come in; but I told him I could not without his +mother's leave. + +'I'll go and ask her,' said the child. + +'No, no, Arthur, you mustn't do that; but if she's not engaged, +just ask her to come here a minute. Tell her I want to speak to +her.' + +He ran to perform my bidding, and quickly returned with his mother. +How lovely she looked with her dark ringlets streaming in the light +summer breeze, her fair cheek slightly flushed, and her countenance +radiant with smiles. Dear Arthur! what did I not owe to you for +this and every other happy meeting? Through him I was at once +delivered from all formality, and terror, and constraint. In love +affairs, there is no mediator like a merry, simple-hearted child - +ever ready to cement divided hearts, to span the unfriendly gulf of +custom, to melt the ice of cold reserve, and overthrow the +separating walls of dread formality and pride. + +'Well, Mr. Markham, what is it?' said the young mother, accosting +me with a pleasant smile. + +'I want you to look at this book, and, if you please, to take it, +and peruse it at your leisure. I make no apology for calling you +out on such a lovely evening, though it be for a matter of no +greater importance.' + +'Tell him to come in, mamma,' said Arthur. + +'Would you like to come in?' asked the lady. + +'Yes; I should like to see your improvements in the garden.' + +'And how your sister's roots have prospered in my charge,' added +she, as she opened the gate. + +And we sauntered through the garden, and talked of the flowers, the +trees, and the book, and then of other things. The evening was +kind and genial, and so was my companion. By degrees I waxed more +warm and tender than, perhaps, I had ever been before; but still I +said nothing tangible, and she attempted no repulse, until, in +passing a moss rose-tree that I had brought her some weeks since, +in my sister's name, she plucked a beautiful half-open bud and bade +me give it to Rose. + +'May I not keep it myself?' I asked. + +'No; but here is another for you.' + +Instead of taking it quietly, I likewise took the hand that offered +it, and looked into her face. She let me hold it for a moment, and +I saw a flash of ecstatic brilliance in her eye, a glow of glad +excitement on her face - I thought my hour of victory was come - +but instantly a painful recollection seemed to flash upon her; a +cloud of anguish darkened her brow, a marble paleness blanched her +cheek and lip; there seemed a moment of inward conflict, and, with +a sudden effort, she withdrew her hand, and retreated a step or two +back. + +'Now, Mr. Markham,' said she, with a kind of desperate calmness, 'I +must tell you plainly that I cannot do with this. I like your +company, because I am alone here, and your conversation pleases me +more than that of any other person; but if you cannot be content to +regard me as a friend - a plain, cold, motherly, or sisterly friend +- I must beg you to leave me now, and let me alone hereafter: in +fact, we must be strangers for the future.' + +'I will, then - be your friend, or brother, or anything you wish, +if you will only let me continue to see you; but tell me why I +cannot be anything more?' + +There was a perplexed and thoughtful pause. + +'Is it in consequence of some rash vow?' + +'It is something of the kind,' she answered. 'Some day I may tell +you, but at present you had better leave me; and never, Gilbert, +put me to the painful necessity of repeating what I have just now +said to you,' she earnestly added, giving me her hand in serious +kindness. How sweet, how musical my own name sounded in her mouth! + +'I will not,' I replied. 'But you pardon this offence?' + +'On condition that you never repeat it.' + +'And may I come to see you now and then?' + +'Perhaps - occasionally; provided you never abuse the privilege.' + +'I make no empty promises, but you shall see.' + +'The moment you do our intimacy is at an end, that's all.' + +'And will you always call me Gilbert? It sounds more sisterly, and +it will serve to remind me of our contract.' + +She smiled, and once more bid me go; and at length I judged it +prudent to obey, and she re-entered the house and I went down the +hill. But as I went the tramp of horses' hoofs fell on my ear, and +broke the stillness of the dewy evening; and, looking towards the +lane, I saw a solitary equestrian coming up. Inclining to dusk as +it was, I knew him at a glance: it was Mr. Lawrence on his grey +pony. I flew across the field, leaped the stone fence, and then +walked down the lane to meet him. On seeing me, he suddenly drew +in his little steed, and seemed inclined to turn back, but on +second thought apparently judged it better to continue his course +as before. He accosted me with a slight bow, and, edging close to +the wall, endeavoured to pass on; but I was not so minded. Seizing +his horse by the bridle, I exclaimed, - 'Now, Lawrence, I will have +this mystery explained! Tell me where you are going, and what you +mean to do - at once, and distinctly!' + +'Will you take your hand off the bridle?' said he, quietly - +'you're hurting my pony's mouth.' + +'You and your pony be - ' + +'What makes you so coarse and brutal, Markham? I'm quite ashamed +of you.' + +'You answer my questions - before you leave this spot I will know +what you mean by this perfidious duplicity!' + +'I shall answer no questions till you let go the bridle, - if you +stand till morning.' + +'Now then,' said I, unclosing my hand, but still standing before +him. + +'Ask me some other time, when you can speak like a gentleman,' +returned he, and he made an effort to pass me again; but I quickly +re-captured the pony, scarce less astonished than its master at +such uncivil usage. + +'Really, Mr. Markham, this is too much!' said the latter. 'Can I +not go to see my tenant on matters of business, without being +assaulted in this manner by -?' + +'This is no time for business, sir! - I'll tell you, now, what I +think of your conduct.' + +'You'd better defer your opinion to a more convenient season,' +interrupted he in a low tone - 'here's the vicar.' And, in truth, +the vicar was just behind me, plodding homeward from some remote +corner of his parish. I immediately released the squire; and he +went on his way, saluting Mr. Millward as he passed. + +'What! quarrelling, Markham?' cried the latter, addressing himself +to me, - 'and about that young widow, I doubt?' he added, +reproachfully shaking his head. 'But let me tell you, young man' +(here he put his face into mine with an important, confidential +air), 'she's not worth it!' and he confirmed the assertion by a +solemn nod. + +'MR. MILLWARD,' I exclaimed, in a tone of wrathful menace that made +the reverend gentleman look round - aghast - astounded at such +unwonted insolence, and stare me in the face, with a look that +plainly said, 'What, this to me!' But I was too indignant to +apologise, or to speak another word to him: I turned away, and +hastened homewards, descending with rapid strides the steep, rough +lane, and leaving him to follow as he pleased. + + + +CHAPTER XI + + + +You must suppose about three weeks passed over. Mrs. Graham and I +were now established friends - or brother and sister, as we rather +chose to consider ourselves. She called me Gilbert, by my express +desire, and I called her Helen, for I had seen that name written in +her books. I seldom attempted to see her above twice a week; and +still I made our meetings appear the result of accident as often as +I could - for I found it necessary to be extremely careful - and, +altogether, I behaved with such exceeding propriety that she never +had occasion to reprove me once. Yet I could not but perceive that +she was at times unhappy and dissatisfied with herself or her +position, and truly I myself was not quite contented with the +latter: this assumption of brotherly nonchalance was very hard to +sustain, and I often felt myself a most confounded hypocrite with +it all; I saw too, or rather I felt, that, in spite of herself, 'I +was not indifferent to her,' as the novel heroes modestly express +it, and while I thankfully enjoyed my present good fortune, I could +not fail to wish and hope for something better in future; but, of +course, I kept such dreams entirely to myself. + +'Where are you going, Gilbert?' said Rose, one evening, shortly +after tea, when I had been busy with the farm all day. + +'To take a walk,' was the reply. + +'Do you always brush your hat so carefully, and do your hair so +nicely, and put on such smart new gloves when you take a walk?' + +'Not always.' + +'You're going to Wildfell Hall, aren't you?' + +'What makes you think so?' + +'Because you look as if you were - but I wish you wouldn't go so +often.' + +'Nonsense, child! I don't go once in six weeks - what do you +mean?' + +'Well, but if I were you, I wouldn't have so much to do with Mrs. +Graham.' + +'Why, Rose, are you, too, giving in to the prevailing opinion?' + +'No,' returned she, hesitatingly - 'but I've heard so much about +her lately, both at the Wilsons' and the vicarage; - and besides, +mamma says, if she were a proper person she would not be living +there by herself - and don't you remember last winter, Gilbert, all +that about the false name to the picture; and how she explained it +- saying she had friends or acquaintances from whom she wished her +present residence to be concealed, and that she was afraid of their +tracing her out; - and then, how suddenly she started up and left +the room when that person came - whom she took good care not to let +us catch a glimpse of, and who Arthur, with such an air of mystery, +told us was his mamma's friend?' + +'Yes, Rose, I remember it all; and I can forgive your uncharitable +conclusions; for, perhaps, if I did not know her myself, I should +put all these things together, and believe the same as you do; but +thank God, I do know her; and I should be unworthy the name of a +man, if I could believe anything that was said against her, unless +I heard it from her own lips. - I should as soon believe such +things of you, Rose.' + +'Oh, Gilbert!' + +'Well, do you think I could believe anything of the kind, - +whatever the Wilsons and Millwards dared to whisper?' + +'I should hope not indeed!' + +'And why not? - Because I know you - Well, and I know her just as +well.' + +'Oh, no! you know nothing of her former life; and last year, at +this time, you did not know that such a person existed.' + +'No matter. There is such a thing as looking through a person's +eyes into the heart, and learning more of the height, and breadth, +and depth of another's soul in one hour than it might take you a +lifetime to discover, if he or she were not disposed to reveal it, +or if you had not the sense to understand it.' + +'Then you are going to see her this evening?' + +'To be sure I am!' + +'But what would mamma say, Gilbert!' + +'Mamma needn't know.' + +'But she must know some time, if you go on.' + +'Go on! - there's no going on in the matter. Mrs. Graham and I are +two friends - and will be; and no man breathing shall hinder it, - +or has a right to interfere between us.' + +'But if you knew how they talk you would be more careful, for her +sake as well as for your own. Jane Wilson thinks your visits to +the old hall but another proof of her depravity - ' + +'Confound Jane Wilson!' + +'And Eliza Millward is quite grieved about you.' + +'I hope she is.' + +'But I wouldn't, if I were you.' + +'Wouldn't what? - How do they know that I go there?' + +'There's nothing hid from them: they spy out everything.' + +'Oh, I never thought of this! - And so they dare to turn my +friendship into food for further scandal against her! - That proves +the falsehood of their other lies, at all events, if any proof were +wanting. - Mind you contradict them, Rose, whenever you can.' + +'But they don't speak openly to me about such things: it is only +by hints and innuendoes, and by what I hear others say, that I knew +what they think.' + +'Well, then, I won't go to-day, as it's getting latish. But oh, +deuce take their cursed, envenomed tongues!' I muttered, in the +bitterness of my soul. + +And just at that moment the vicar entered the room: we had been +too much absorbed in our conversation to observe his knock. After +his customary cheerful and fatherly greeting of Rose, who was +rather a favourite with the old gentleman, he turned somewhat +sternly to me:- + +'Well, sir!' said he, 'you're quite a stranger. It is - let - me - +see,' he continued, slowly, as he deposited his ponderous bulk in +the arm-chair that Rose officiously brought towards him; 'it is +just - six-weeks - by my reckoning, since you darkened - my - +door!' He spoke it with emphasis, and struck his stick on the +floor. + +'Is it, sir?' said I. + +'Ay! It is so!' He added an affirmatory nod, and continued to +gaze upon me with a kind of irate solemnity, holding his +substantial stick between his knees, with his hands clasped upon +its head. + +'I have been busy,' I said, for an apology was evidently demanded. + +'Busy!' repeated he, derisively. + +'Yes, you know I've been getting in my hay; and now the harvest is +beginning.' + +'Humph!' + +Just then my mother came in, and created a diversion in my favour +by her loquacious and animated welcome of the reverend guest. She +regretted deeply that he had not come a little earlier, in time for +tea, but offered to have some immediately prepared, if he would do +her the favour to partake of it. + +'Not any for me, I thank you,' replied he; 'I shall be at home in a +few minutes.' + +'Oh, but do stay and take a little! it will be ready in five +minutes.' + +But he rejected the offer with a majestic wave of the hand. + +'I'll tell you what I'll take, Mrs. Markham,' said he: 'I'll take +a glass of your excellent ale.' + +'With pleasure!' cried my mother, proceeding with alacrity to pull +the bell and order the favoured beverage. + +'I thought,' continued he, 'I'd just look in upon you as I passed, +and taste your home-brewed ale. I've been to call on Mrs. Graham.' + +'Have you, indeed?' + +He nodded gravely, and added with awful emphasis - 'I thought it +incumbent upon me to do so.' + +'Really!' ejaculated my mother. + +'Why so, Mr. Millward?' asked I. + +He looked at me with some severity, and turning again to my mother, +repeated, - 'I thought it incumbent upon me!' and struck his stick +on the floor again. My mother sat opposite, an awe-struck but +admiring auditor. + +'"Mrs. Graham," said I,' he continued, shaking his head as he +spoke, '"these are terrible reports!" "What, sir?" says she, +affecting to be ignorant of my meaning. "It is my - duty - as - +your pastor," said I, "to tell you both everything that I myself +see reprehensible in your conduct, and all I have reason to +suspect, and what others tell me concerning you." - So I told her!' + +'You did, sir?' cried I, starting from my seat and striking my fist +on the table. He merely glanced towards me, and continued - +addressing his hostess:- + +'It was a painful duty, Mrs. Markham - but I told her!' + +'And how did she take it?' asked my mother. + +'Hardened, I fear - hardened!' he replied, with a despondent shake +of the head; 'and, at the same time, there was a strong display of +unchastened, misdirected passions. She turned white in the face, +and drew her breath through her teeth in a savage sort of way; - +but she offered no extenuation or defence; and with a kind of +shameless calmness - shocking indeed to witness in one so young - +as good as told me that my remonstrance was unavailing, and my +pastoral advice quite thrown away upon her - nay, that my very +presence was displeasing while I spoke such things. And I withdrew +at length, too plainly seeing that nothing could be done - and +sadly grieved to find her case so hopeless. But I am fully +determined, Mrs. Markham, that my daughters - shall - not - consort +with her. Do you adopt the same resolution with regard to yours! - +As for your sons - as for you, young man,' he continued, sternly +turning to me - + +'As for ME, sir,' I began, but checked by some impediment in my +utterance, and finding that my whole frame trembled with fury, I +said no more, but took the wiser part of snatching up my hat and +bolting from the room, slamming the door behind me, with a bang +that shook the house to its foundations, and made my mother scream, +and gave a momentary relief to my excited feelings. + +The next minute saw me hurrying with rapid strides in the direction +of Wildfell Hall - to what intent or purpose I could scarcely tell, +but I must be moving somewhere, and no other goal would do - I must +see her too, and speak to her - that was certain; but what to say, +or how to act, I had no definite idea. Such stormy thoughts - so +many different resolutions crowded in upon me, that my mind was +little better than a chaos of conflicting passions. + + + +CHAPTER XII + + + +In little more than twenty minutes the journey was accomplished. I +paused at the gate to wipe my streaming forehead, and recover my +breath and some degree of composure. Already the rapid walking had +somewhat mitigated my excitement; and with a firm and steady tread +I paced the garden-walk. In passing the inhabited wing of the +building, I caught a sight of Mrs. Graham, through the open window, +slowly pacing up and down her lonely room. + +She seemed agitated and even dismayed at my arrival, as if she +thought I too was coming to accuse her. I had entered her presence +intending to condole with her upon the wickedness of the world, and +help her to abuse the vicar and his vile informants, but now I felt +positively ashamed to mention the subject, and determined not to +refer to it, unless she led the way. + +'I am come at an unseasonable hour,' said I, assuming a +cheerfulness I did not feel, in order to reassure her; 'but I won't +stay many minutes.' + +She smiled upon me, faintly it is true, but most kindly - I had +almost said thankfully, as her apprehensions were removed. + +'How dismal you are, Helen! Why have you no fire?' I said, looking +round on the gloomy apartment. + +'It is summer yet,' she replied. + +'But we always have a fire in the evenings, if we can bear it; and +you especially require one in this cold house and dreary room.' + +'You should have come a little sooner, and I would have had one +lighted for you: but it is not worth while now - you won't stay +many minutes, you say, and Arthur is gone to bed.' + +'But I have a fancy for a fire, nevertheless. Will you order one, +if I ring?' + +'Why, Gilbert, you don't look cold!' said she, smilingly regarding +my face, which no doubt seemed warm enough. + +'No,' replied I, 'but I want to see you comfortable before I go.' + +'Me comfortable!' repeated she, with a bitter laugh, as if there +were something amusingly absurd in the idea. 'It suits me better +as it is,' she added, in a tone of mournful resignation. + +But determined to have my own way, I pulled the bell. + +'There now, Helen!' I said, as the approaching steps of Rachel were +heard in answer to the summons. There was nothing for it but to +turn round and desire the maid to light the fire. + +I owe Rachel a grudge to this day for the look she cast upon me ere +she departed on her mission, the sour, suspicious, inquisitorial +look that plainly demanded, 'What are you here for, I wonder?' Her +mistress did not fail to notice it, and a shade of uneasiness +darkened her brow. + +'You must not stay long, Gilbert,' said she, when the door was +closed upon us. + +'I'm not going to,' said I, somewhat testily, though without a +grain of anger in my heart against any one but the meddling old +woman. 'But, Helen, I've something to say to you before I go.' + +'What is it?' + +'No, not now - I don't know yet precisely what it is, or how to say +it,' replied I, with more truth than wisdom; and then, fearing lest +she should turn me out of the house, I began talking about +indifferent matters in order to gain time. Meanwhile Rachel came +in to kindle the fire, which was soon effected by thrusting a red- +hot poker between the bars of the grate, where the fuel was already +disposed for ignition. She honoured me with another of her hard, +inhospitable looks in departing, but, little moved thereby, I went +on talking; and setting a chair for Mrs. Graham on one side of the +hearth, and one for myself on the other, I ventured to sit down, +though half suspecting she would rather see me go. + +In a little while we both relapsed into silence, and continued for +several minutes gazing abstractedly into the fire - she intent upon +her own sad thoughts, and I reflecting how delightful it would be +to be seated thus beside her with no other presence to restrain our +intercourse - not even that of Arthur, our mutual friend, without +whom we had never met before - if only I could venture to speak my +mind, and disburden my full heart of the feelings that had so long +oppressed it, and which it now struggled to retain, with an effort +that it seemed impossible to continue much longer, - and revolving +the pros and cons for opening my heart to her there and then, and +imploring a return of affection, the permission to regard her +thenceforth as my own, and the right and the power to defend her +from the calumnies of malicious tongues. On the one hand, I felt a +new-born confidence in my powers of persuasion - a strong +conviction that my own fervour of spirit would grant me eloquence - +that my very determination - the absolute necessity for succeeding, +that I felt must win me what I sought; while, on the other, I +feared to lose the ground I had already gained with so much toil +and skill, and destroy all future hope by one rash effort, when +time and patience might have won success. It was like setting my +life upon the cast of a die; and yet I was ready to resolve upon +the attempt. At any rate, I would entreat the explanation she had +half promised to give me before; I would demand the reason of this +hateful barrier, this mysterious impediment to my happiness, and, +as I trusted, to her own. + +But while I considered in what manner I could best frame my +request, my companion, wakened from her reverie with a scarcely +audible sigh, and looking towards the window, where the blood-red +harvest moon, just rising over one of the grim, fantastic +evergreens, was shining in upon us, said, - 'Gilbert, it is getting +late.' + +'I see,' said I. 'You want me to go, I suppose?' + +'I think you ought. If my kind neighbours get to know of this +visit - as no doubt they will - they will not turn it much to my +advantage.' + +It was with what the vicar would doubtless have called a savage +sort of smile that she said this. + +'Let them turn it as they will,' said I. 'What are their thoughts +to you or me, so long as we are satisfied with ourselves - and each +other. Let them go to the deuce with their vile constructions and +their lying inventions!' + +This outburst brought a flush of colour to her face. + +'You have heard, then, what they say of me?' + +'I heard some detestable falsehoods; but none but fools would +credit them for a moment, Helen, so don't let them trouble you.' + +'I did not think Mr. Millward a fool, and he believes it all; but +however little you may value the opinions of those about you - +however little you may esteem them as individuals, it is not +pleasant to be looked upon as a liar and a hypocrite, to be thought +to practise what you abhor, and to encourage the vices you would +discountenance, to find your good intentions frustrated, and your +hands crippled by your supposed unworthiness, and to bring disgrace +on the principles you profess.' + +'True; and if I, by my thoughtlessness and selfish disregard to +appearances, have at all assisted to expose you to these evils, let +me entreat you not only to pardon me, but to enable me to make +reparation; authorise me to clear your name from every imputation: +give me the right to identify your honour with my own, and to +defend your reputation as more precious than my life!' + +'Are you hero enough to unite yourself to one whom you know to be +suspected and despised by all around you, and identify your +interests and your honour with hers? Think! it is a serious +thing.' + +'I should be proud to do it, Helen! - most happy - delighted beyond +expression! - and if that be all the obstacle to our union, it is +demolished, and you must - you shall be mine!' + +And starting from my seat in a frenzy of ardour, I seized her hand +and would have pressed it to my lips, but she as suddenly caught it +away, exclaiming in the bitterness of intense affliction, - 'No, +no, it is not all!' + +'What is it, then? You promised I should know some time, and - ' + +'You shall know some time - but not now - my head aches terribly,' +she said, pressing her hand to her forehead, 'and I must have some +repose - and surely I have had misery enough to-day!' she added, +almost wildly. + +'But it could not harm you to tell it,' I persisted: 'it would +ease your mind; and I should then know how to comfort you.' + +She shook her head despondingly. 'If you knew all, you, too, would +blame me - perhaps even more than I deserve - though I have cruelly +wronged you,' she added in a low murmur, as if she mused aloud. + +'You, Helen? Impossible?' + +'Yes, not willingly; for I did not know the strength and depth of +your attachment. I thought - at least I endeavoured to think your +regard for me was as cold and fraternal as you professed it to be.' + +'Or as yours?' + +'Or as mine - ought to have been - of such a light and selfish, +superficial nature, that - ' + +'There, indeed, you wronged me.' + +I know I did; and, sometimes, I suspected it then; but I thought, +upon the whole, there could be no great harm in leaving your +fancies and your hopes to dream themselves to nothing - or flutter +away to some more fitting object, while your friendly sympathies +remained with me; but if I had known the depth of your regard, the +generous, disinterested affection you seem to feel - ' + +'Seem, Helen?' + +'That you do feel, then, I would have acted differently.' + +'How? You could not have given me less encouragement, or treated +me with greater severity than you did! And if you think you have +wronged me by giving me your friendship, and occasionally admitting +me to the enjoyment of your company and conversation, when all +hopes of closer intimacy were vain - as indeed you always gave me +to understand - if you think you have wronged me by this, you are +mistaken; for such favours, in themselves alone, are not only +delightful to my heart, but purifying, exalting, ennobling to my +soul; and I would rather have your friendship than the love of any +other woman in the world!' + +Little comforted by this, she clasped her hands upon her knee, and +glancing upward, seemed, in silent anguish, to implore divine +assistance; then, turning to me, she calmly said, - 'To-morrow, if +you meet me on the moor about mid-day, I will tell you all you seek +to know; and perhaps you will then see the necessity of +discontinuing our intimacy - if, indeed, you do not willingly +resign me as one no longer worthy of regard.' + +'I can safely answer no to that: you cannot have such grave +confessions to make - you must be trying my faith, Helen.' + +'No, no, no,' she earnestly repeated - 'I wish it were so! Thank +heaven!' she added, 'I have no great crime to confess; but I have +more than you will like to hear, or, perhaps, can readily excuse, - +and more than I can tell you now; so let me entreat you to leave +me!' + +'I will; but answer me this one question first; - do you love me?' + +'I will not answer it!' + +'Then I will conclude you do; and so good-night.' + +She turned from me to hide the emotion she could not quite control; +but I took her hand and fervently kissed it. + +'Gilbert, do leave me!' she cried, in a tone of such thrilling +anguish that I felt it would be cruel to disobey. + +But I gave one look back before I closed the door, and saw her +leaning forward on the table, with her hands pressed against her +eyes, sobbing convulsively; yet I withdrew in silence. I felt that +to obtrude my consolations on her then would only serve to +aggravate her sufferings. + +To tell you all the questionings and conjectures - the fears, and +hopes, and wild emotions that jostled and chased each other through +my mind as I descended the hill, would almost fill a volume in +itself. But before I was half-way down, a sentiment of strong +sympathy for her I had left behind me had displaced all other +feelings, and seemed imperatively to draw me back: I began to +think, 'Why am I hurrying so fast in this direction? Can I find +comfort or consolation - peace, certainty, contentment, all - or +anything that I want at home? and can I leave all perturbation, +sorrow, and anxiety behind me there?' + +And I turned round to look at the old Hall. There was little +besides the chimneys visible above my contracted horizon. I walked +back to get a better view of it. When it rose in sight, I stood +still a moment to look, and then continued moving towards the +gloomy object of attraction. Something called me nearer - nearer +still - and why not, pray? Might I not find more benefit in the +contemplation of that venerable pile with the full moon in the +cloudless heaven shining so calmly above it - with that warm yellow +lustre peculiar to an August night - and the mistress of my soul +within, than in returning to my home, where all comparatively was +light, and life, and cheerfulness, and therefore inimical to me in +my present frame of mind, - and the more so that its inmates all +were more or less imbued with that detestable belief, the very +thought of which made my blood boil in my veins - and how could I +endure to hear it openly declared, or cautiously insinuated - which +was worse? - I had had trouble enough already, with some babbling +fiend that would keep whispering in my ear, 'It may be true,' till +I had shouted aloud, 'It is false! I defy you to make me suppose +it!' + +I could see the red firelight dimly gleaming from her parlour +window. I went up to the garden wall, and stood leaning over it, +with my eyes fixed upon the lattice, wondering what she was doing, +thinking, or suffering now, and wishing I could speak to her but +one word, or even catch one glimpse of her, before I went. + +I had not thus looked, and wished, and wondered long, before I +vaulted over the barrier, unable to resist the temptation of taking +one glance through the window, just to if she were more composed +than when we parted; - and if I found her still in deep distress, +perhaps I might venture attempt a word of comfort - to utter one of +the many things I should have said before, instead of aggravating +her sufferings by my stupid impetuosity. I looked. Her chair was +vacant: so was the room. But at that moment some one opened the +outer door, and a voice - her voice - said, - 'Come out - I want to +see the moon, and breathe the evening air: they will do me good - +if anything will.' + +Here, then, were she and Rachel coming to take a walk in the +garden. I wished myself safe back over the wall. I stood, +however, in the shadow of the tall holly-bush, which, standing +between the window and the porch, at present screened me from +observation, but did not prevent me from seeing two figures come +forth into the moonlight: Mrs. Graham followed by another - not +Rachel, but a young man, slender and rather tall. O heavens, how +my temples throbbed! Intense anxiety darkened my sight; but I +thought - yes, and the voice confirmed it - it was Mr. Lawrence! + +'You should not let it worry you so much, Helen,' said he; 'I will +be more cautious in future; and in time - ' + +I did not hear the rest of the sentence; for he walked close beside +her and spoke so gently that I could not catch the words. My heart +was splitting with hatred; but I listened intently for her reply. +I heard it plainly enough. + +'But I must leave this place, Frederick,' she said - 'I never can +be happy here, - nor anywhere else, indeed,' she added, with a +mirthless laugh, - 'but I cannot rest here.' + +'But where could you find a better place?' replied he, 'so secluded +- so near me, if you think anything of that.' + +'Yes,' interrupted she, 'it is all I could wish, if they could only +have left me alone.' + +'But wherever you go, Helen, there will be the same sources of +annoyance. I cannot consent to lose you: I must go with you, or +come to you; and there are meddling fools elsewhere, as well as +here.' + +While thus conversing they had sauntered slowly past me, down the +walk, and I heard no more of their discourse; but I saw him put his +arm round her waist, while she lovingly rested her hand on his +shoulder; - and then, a tremulous darkness obscured my sight, my +heart sickened and my head burned like fire: I half rushed, half +staggered from the spot, where horror had kept me rooted, and +leaped or tumbled over the wall - I hardly know which - but I know +that, afterwards, like a passionate child, I dashed myself on the +ground and lay there in a paroxysm of anger and despair - how long, +I cannot undertake to say; but it must have been a considerable +time; for when, having partially relieved myself by a torment of +tears, and looked up at the moon, shining so calmly and carelessly +on, as little influenced by my misery as I was by its peaceful +radiance, and earnestly prayed for death or forgetfulness, I had +risen and journeyed homewards - little regarding the way, but +carried instinctively by my feet to the door, I found it bolted +against me, and every one in bed except my mother, who hastened to +answer my impatient knocking, and received me with a shower of +questions and rebukes. + +'Oh, Gilbert! how could you do so? Where have you been? Do come +in and take your supper. I've got it all ready, though you don't +deserve it, for keeping me in such a fright, after the strange +manner you left the house this evening. Mr. Millward was quite - +Bless the boy! how ill he looks. Oh, gracious! what is the +matter?' + +'Nothing, nothing - give me a candle.' + +'But won't you take some supper?' + +'No; I want to go to bed,' said I, taking a candle and lighting it +at the one she held in her hand. + +'Oh, Gilbert, how you tremble!' exclaimed my anxious parent. 'How +white you look! Do tell me what it is? Has anything happened?' + +'It's nothing,' cried I, ready to stamp with vexation because the +candle would not light. Then, suppressing my irritation, I added, +'I've been walking too fast, that's all. Good-night,' and marched +off to bed, regardless of the 'Walking too fast! where have you +been?' that was called after me from below. + +My mother followed me to the very door of my room with her +questionings and advice concerning my health and my conduct; but I +implored her to let me alone till morning; and she withdrew, and at +length I had the satisfaction to hear her close her own door. +There was no sleep for me, however, that night as I thought; and +instead of attempting to solicit it, I employed myself in rapidly +pacing the chamber, having first removed my boots, lest my mother +should hear me. But the boards creaked, and she was watchful. I +had not walked above a quarter of an hour before she was at the +door again. + +'Gilbert, why are you not in bed - you said you wanted to go?' + +'Confound it! I'm going,' said I. + +'But why are you so long about it? You must have something on your +mind - ' + +'For heaven's sake, let me alone, and get to bed yourself.' + +'Can it be that Mrs. Graham that distresses you so?' + +'No, no, I tell you - it's nothing.' + +'I wish to goodness it mayn't,' murmured she, with a sigh, as she +returned to her own apartment, while I threw myself on the bed, +feeling most undutifully disaffected towards her for having +deprived me of what seemed the only shadow of a consolation that +remained, and chained me to that wretched couch of thorns. + +Never did I endure so long, so miserable a night as that. And yet +it was not wholly sleepless. Towards morning my distracting +thoughts began to lose all pretensions to coherency, and shape +themselves into confused and feverish dreams, and, at length, there +followed an interval of unconscious slumber. But then the dawn of +bitter recollection that succeeded - the waking to find life a +blank, and worse than a blank, teeming with torment and misery - +not a mere barren wilderness, but full of thorns and briers - to +find myself deceived, duped, hopeless, my affections trampled upon, +my angel not an angel, and my friend a fiend incarnate - it was +worse than if I had not slept at all. + +It was a dull, gloomy morning; the weather had changed like my +prospects, and the rain was pattering against the window. I rose, +nevertheless, and went out; not to look after the farm, though that +would serve as my excuse, but to cool my brain, and regain, if +possible, a sufficient degree of composure to meet the family at +the morning meal without exciting inconvenient remarks. If I got a +wetting, that, in conjunction with a pretended over-exertion before +breakfast, might excuse my sudden loss of appetite; and if a cold +ensued, the severer the better - it would help to account for the +sullen moods and moping melancholy likely to cloud my brow for long +enough. + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + + +'My dear Gilbert, I wish you would try to be a little more +amiable,' said my mother one morning after some display of +unjustifiable ill-humour on my part. 'You say there is nothing the +matter with you, and nothing has happened to grieve you, and yet I +never saw anyone so altered as you within these last few days. You +haven't a good word for anybody - friends and strangers, equals and +inferiors - it's all the same. I do wish you'd try to check it.' + +'Check what?' + +'Why, your strange temper. You don't know how it spoils you. I'm +sure a finer disposition than yours by nature could not be, if +you'd let it have fair play: so you've no excuse that way.' + +While she thus remonstrated, I took up a book, and laying it open +on the table before me, pretended to be deeply absorbed in its +perusal, for I was equally unable to justify myself and unwilling +to acknowledge my errors; and I wished to have nothing to say on +the matter. But my excellent parent went on lecturing, and then +came to coaxing, and began to stroke my hair; and I was getting to +feel quite a good boy, but my mischievous brother, who was idling +about the room, revived my corruption by suddenly calling out, - +'Don't touch him, mother! he'll bite! He's a very tiger in human +form. I've given him up for my part - fairly disowned him - cast +him off, root and branch. It's as much as my life is worth to come +within six yards of him. The other day he nearly fractured my +skull for singing a pretty, inoffensive love-song, on purpose to +amuse him.' + +'Oh, Gilbert! how could you?' exclaimed my mother. + +'I told you to hold your noise first, you know, Fergus,' said I. + +'Yes, but when I assured you it was no trouble and went on with the +next verse, thinking you might like it better, you clutched me by +the shoulder and dashed me away, right against the wall there, with +such force that I thought I had bitten my tongue in two, and +expected to see the place plastered with my brains; and when I put +my hand to my head, and found my skull not broken, I thought it was +a miracle, and no mistake. But, poor fellow!' added he, with a +sentimental sigh - 'his heart's broken - that's the truth of it - +and his head's - ' + +'Will you be silent NOW?' cried I, starting up, and eyeing the +fellow so fiercely that my mother, thinking I meant to inflict some +grievous bodily injury, laid her hand on my arm, and besought me to +let him alone, and he walked leisurely out, with his hands in his +pockets, singing provokingly - 'Shall I, because a woman's fair,' +&c. + +'I'm not going to defile my fingers with him,' said I, in answer to +the maternal intercession. 'I wouldn't touch him with the tongs.' + +I now recollected that I had business with Robert Wilson, +concerning the purchase of a certain field adjoining my farm - a +business I had been putting off from day to day; for I had no +interest in anything now; and besides, I was misanthropically +inclined, and, moreover, had a particular objection to meeting Jane +Wilson or her mother; for though I had too good reason, now, to +credit their reports concerning Mrs. Graham, I did not like them a +bit the better for it - or Eliza Millward either - and the thought +of meeting them was the more repugnant to me that I could not, now, +defy their seeming calumnies and triumph in my own convictions as +before. But to-day I determined to make an effort to return to my +duty. Though I found no pleasure in it, it would be less irksome +than idleness - at all events it would be more profitable. If life +promised no enjoyment within my vocation, at least it offered no +allurements out of it; and henceforth I would put my shoulder to +the wheel and toil away, like any poor drudge of a cart-horse that +was fairly broken in to its labour, and plod through life, not +wholly useless if not agreeable, and uncomplaining if not contented +with my lot. + +Thus resolving, with a kind of sullen resignation, if such a term +may be allowed, I wended my way to Ryecote Farm, scarcely expecting +to find its owner within at this time of day, but hoping to learn +in what part of the premises he was most likely to be found. + +Absent he was, but expected home in a few minutes; and I was +desired to step into the parlour and wait. Mrs. Wilson was busy in +the kitchen, but the room was not empty; and I scarcely checked an +involuntary recoil as I entered it; for there sat Miss Wilson +chattering with Eliza Millward. However, I determined to be cool +and civil. Eliza seemed to have made the same resolution on her +part. We had not met since the evening of the tea-party; but there +was no visible emotion either of pleasure or pain, no attempt at +pathos, no display of injured pride: she was cool in temper, civil +in demeanour. There was even an ease and cheerfulness about her +air and manner that I made no pretension to; but there was a depth +of malice in her too expressive eye that plainly told me I was not +forgiven; for, though she no longer hoped to win me to herself, she +still hated her rival, and evidently delighted to wreak her spite +on me. On the other hand, Miss Wilson was as affable and courteous +as heart could wish, and though I was in no very conversable humour +myself, the two ladies between them managed to keep up a pretty +continuous fire of small talk. But Eliza took advantage of the +first convenient pause to ask if I had lately seen Mrs. Graham, in +a tone of merely casual inquiry, but with a sidelong glance - +intended to be playfully mischievous - really, brimful and running +over with malice. + +'Not lately,' I replied, in a careless tone, but sternly repelling +her odious glances with my eyes; for I was vexed to feel the colour +mounting to my forehead, despite my strenuous efforts to appear +unmoved. + +'What! are you beginning to tire already? I thought so noble a +creature would have power to attach you for a year at least!' + +'I would rather not speak of her now.' + +'Ah! then you are convinced, at last, of your mistake - you have at +length discovered that your divinity is not quite the immaculate - +' + +'I desired you not to speak of her, Miss Eliza.' + +'Oh, I beg your pardon! I perceive Cupid's arrows have been too +sharp for you: the wounds, being more than skin-deep, are not yet +healed, and bleed afresh at every mention of the loved one's name.' + +'Say, rather,' interposed Miss Wilson, 'that Mr. Markham feels that +name is unworthy to be mentioned in the presence of right-minded +females. I wonder, Eliza, you should think of referring to that +unfortunate person - you might know the mention of her would be +anything but agreeable to any one here present.' + +How could this be borne? I rose and was about to clap my hat upon +my head and burst away, in wrathful indignation from the house; but +recollecting - just in time to save my dignity - the folly of such +a proceeding, and how it would only give my fair tormentors a merry +laugh at my expense, for the sake of one I acknowledged in my own +heart to be unworthy of the slightest sacrifice - though the ghost +of my former reverence and love so hung about me still, that I +could not bear to hear her name aspersed by others - I merely +walked to the window, and having spent a few seconds in vengibly +biting my lips and sternly repressing the passionate heavings of my +chest, I observed to Miss Wilson, that I could see nothing of her +brother, and added that, as my time was precious, it would perhaps +be better to call again to-morrow, at some time when I should be +sure to find him at home. + +'Oh, no!' said she; 'if you wait a minute, he will be sure to come; +for he has business at L-' (that was our market-town), 'and will +require a little refreshment before he goes.' + +I submitted accordingly, with the best grace I could; and, happily, +I had not long to wait. Mr. Wilson soon arrived, and, indisposed +for business as I was at that moment, and little as I cared for the +field or its owner, I forced my attention to the matter in hand, +with very creditable determination, and quickly concluded the +bargain - perhaps more to the thrifty farmer's satisfaction than he +cared to acknowledge. Then, leaving him to the discussion of his +substantial 'refreshment,' I gladly quitted the house, and went to +look after my reapers. + +Leaving them busy at work on the side of the valley, I ascended the +hill, intending to visit a corn-field in the more elevated regions, +and see when it would be ripe for the sickle. But I did not visit +it that day; for, as I approached, I beheld, at no great distance, +Mrs. Graham and her son coming down in the opposite direction. +They saw me; and Arthur already was running to meet me; but I +immediately turned back and walked steadily homeward; for I had +fully determined never to encounter his mother again; and +regardless of the shrill voice in my ear, calling upon me to 'wait +a moment,' I pursued the even tenor of my way; and he soon +relinquished the pursuit as hopeless, or was called away by his +mother. At all events, when I looked back, five minutes after, not +a trace of either was to be seen. + +This incident agitated and disturbed me most unaccountably - unless +you would account for it by saying that Cupid's arrows not only had +been too sharp for me, but they were barbed and deeply rooted, and +I had not yet been able to wrench them from my heart. However that +be, I was rendered doubly miserable for the remainder of the day. + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + + +Next morning, I bethought me, I, too, had business at L-; so I +mounted my horse, and set forth on the expedition soon after +breakfast. It was a dull, drizzly day; but that was no matter: it +was all the more suitable to my frame of mind. It was likely to be +a lonely journey; for it was no market-day, and the road I +traversed was little frequented at any other time; but that suited +me all the better too. + +As I trotted along, however, chewing the cud of - bitter fancies, I +heard another horse at no great distance behind me; but I never +conjectured who the rider might be, or troubled my head about him, +till, on slackening my pace to ascend a gentle acclivity, or +rather, suffering my horse to slacken his pace into a lazy walk - +for, rapt in my own reflections, I was letting it jog on as +leisurely as it thought proper - I lost ground, and my fellow- +traveller overtook me. He accosted me by name, for it was no +stranger - it was Mr. Lawrence! Instinctively the fingers of my +whip-hand tingled, and grasped their charge with convulsive energy; +but I restrained the impulse, and answering his salutation with a +nod, attempted to push on; but he pushed on beside me, and began to +talk about the weather and the crops. I gave the briefest possible +answers to his queries and observations, and fell back. He fell +back too, and asked if my horse was lame. I replied with a look, +at which he placidly smiled. + +I was as much astonished as exasperated at this singular +pertinacity and imperturbable assurance on his part. I had thought +the circumstances of our last meeting would have left such an +impression on his mind as to render him cold and distant ever +after: instead of that, he appeared not only to have forgotten all +former offences, but to be impenetrable to all present +incivilities. Formerly, the slightest hint, or mere fancied +coldness in tone or glance, had sufficed to repulse him: now, +positive rudeness could not drive him away. Had he heard of my +disappointment; and was he come to witness the result, and triumph +in my despair? I grasped my whip with more determined energy than +before - but still forbore to raise it, and rode on in silence, +waiting for some more tangible cause of offence, before I opened +the floodgates of my soul and poured out the dammed-up fury that +was foaming and swelling within. + +'Markham,' said he, in his usual quiet tone, 'why do you quarrel +with your friends, because you have been disappointed in one +quarter? You have found your hopes defeated; but how am I to blame +for it? I warned you beforehand, you know, but you would not - ' + +He said no more; for, impelled by some fiend at my elbow, I had +seized my whip by the small end, and - swift and sudden as a flash +of lightning - brought the other down upon his head. It was not +without a feeling of savage satisfaction that I beheld the instant, +deadly pallor that overspread his face, and the few red drops that +trickled down his forehead, while he reeled a moment in his saddle, +and then fell backward to the ground. The pony, surprised to be so +strangely relieved of its burden, started and capered, and kicked a +little, and then made use of its freedom to go and crop the grass +of the hedge-bank: while its master lay as still and silent as a +corpse. Had I killed him? - an icy hand seemed to grasp my heart +and check its pulsation, as I bent over him, gazing with breathless +intensity upon the ghastly, upturned face. But no; he moved his +eyelids and uttered a slight groan. I breathed again - he was only +stunned by the fall. It served him right - it would teach him +better manners in future. Should I help him to his horse? No. +For any other combination of offences I would; but his were too +unpardonable. He might mount it himself, if he liked - in a while: +already he was beginning to stir and look about him - and there it +was for him, quietly browsing on the road-side. + +So with a muttered execration I left the fellow to his fate, and +clapping spurs to my own horse, galloped away, excited by a +combination of feelings it would not be easy to analyse; and +perhaps, if I did so, the result would not be very creditable to my +disposition; for I am not sure that a species of exultation in what +I had done was not one principal concomitant. + +Shortly, however, the effervescence began to abate, and not many +minutes elapsed before I had turned and gone back to look after the +fate of my victim. It was no generous impulse - no kind relentings +that led me to this - nor even the fear of what might be the +consequences to myself, if I finished my assault upon the squire by +leaving him thus neglected, and exposed to further injury; it was, +simply, the voice of conscience; and I took great credit to myself +for attending so promptly to its dictates - and judging the merit +of the deed by the sacrifice it cost, I was not far wrong. + +Mr. Lawrence and his pony had both altered their positions in some +degree. The pony had wandered eight or ten yards further away; and +he had managed, somehow, to remove himself from the middle of the +road: I found him seated in a recumbent position on the bank, - +looking very white and sickly still, and holding his cambric +handkerchief (now more red than white) to his head. It must have +been a powerful blow; but half the credit - or the blame of it +(which you please) must be attributed to the whip, which was +garnished with a massive horse's head of plated metal. The grass, +being sodden with rain, afforded the young gentleman a rather +inhospitable couch; his clothes were considerably bemired; and his +hat was rolling in the mud on the other side of the road. But his +thoughts seemed chiefly bent upon his pony, on which he was +wistfully gazing - half in helpless anxiety, and half in hopeless +abandonment to his fate. + +I dismounted, however, and having fastened my own animal to the +nearest tree, first picked up his hat, intending to clap it on his +head; but either he considered his head unfit for a hat, or the +hat, in its present condition, unfit for his head; for shrinking +away the one, he took the other from my hand, and scornfully cast +it aside. + +'It's good enough for you,' I muttered. + +My next good office was to catch his pony and bring it to him, +which was soon accomplished; for the beast was quiet enough in the +main, and only winced and flirted a trifle till I got hold of the +bridle - but then, I must see him in the saddle. + +'Here, you fellow - scoundrel - dog - give me your hand, and I'll +help you to mount.' + +No; he turned from me in disgust. I attempted to take him by the +arm. He shrank away as if there had been contamination in my +touch. + +'What, you won't! Well! you may sit there till doomsday, for what +I care. But I suppose you don't want to lose all the blood in your +body - I'll just condescend to bind that up for you.' + +'Let me alone, if you please.' + +'Humph; with all my heart. You may go to the d-l, if you choose - +and say I sent you.' + +But before I abandoned him to his fate I flung his pony's bridle +over a stake in the hedge, and threw him my handkerchief, as his +own was now saturated with blood. He took it and cast it back to +me in abhorrence and contempt, with all the strength he could +muster. It wanted but this to fill the measure of his offences. +With execrations not loud but deep I left him to live or die as he +could, well satisfied that I had done my duty in attempting to save +him - but forgetting how I had erred in bringing him into such a +condition, and how insultingly my after-services had been offered - +and sullenly prepared to meet the consequences if he should choose +to say I had attempted to murder him - which I thought not +unlikely, as it seemed probable he was actuated by such spiteful +motives in so perseveringly refusing my assistance. + +Having remounted my horse, I just looked back to see how he was +getting on, before I rode away. He had risen from the ground, and +grasping his pony's mane, was attempting to resume his seat in the +saddle; but scarcely had he put his foot in the stirrup, when a +sickness or dizziness seemed to overpower him: he leant forward a +moment, with his head drooped on the animal's back, and then made +one more effort, which proving ineffectual, he sank back on the +bank, where I left him, reposing his head on the oozy turf, and to +all appearance, as calmly reclining as if he had been taking his +rest on his sofa at home. + +I ought to have helped him in spite of himself - to have bound up +the wound he was unable to staunch, and insisted upon getting him +on his horse and seeing him safe home; but, besides my bitter +indignation against himself, there was the question what to say to +his servants - and what to my own family. Either I should have to +acknowledge the deed, which would set me down as a madman, unless I +acknowledged the motive too - and that seemed impossible - or I +must get up a lie, which seemed equally out of the question - +especially as Mr. Lawrence would probably reveal the whole truth, +and thereby bring me to tenfold disgrace - unless I were villain +enough, presuming on the absence of witnesses, to persist in my own +version of the case, and make him out a still greater scoundrel +than he was. No; he had only received a cut above the temple, and +perhaps a few bruises from the fall, or the hoofs of his own pony: +that could not kill him if he lay there half the day; and, if he +could not help himself, surely some one would be coming by: it +would be impossible that a whole day should pass and no one +traverse the road but ourselves. As for what he might choose to +say hereafter, I would take my chance about it: if he told lies, I +would contradict him; if he told the truth, I would bear it as best +I could. I was not obliged to enter into explanations further than +I thought proper. Perhaps he might choose to be silent on the +subject, for fear of raising inquiries as to the cause of the +quarrel, and drawing the public attention to his connection with +Mrs. Graham, which, whether for her sake or his own, he seemed so +very desirous to conceal. + +Thus reasoning, I trotted away to the town, where I duly transacted +my business, and performed various little commissions for my mother +and Rose, with very laudable exactitude, considering the different +circumstances of the case. In returning home, I was troubled with +sundry misgivings about the unfortunate Lawrence. The question, +What if I should find him lying still on the damp earth, fairly +dying of cold and exhaustion - or already stark and chill? thrust +itself most unpleasantly upon my mind, and the appalling +possibility pictured itself with painful vividness to my +imagination as I approached the spot where I had left him. But no, +thank heaven, both man and horse were gone, and nothing was left to +witness against me but two objects - unpleasant enough in +themselves to be sure, and presenting a very ugly, not to say +murderous appearance - in one place, the hat saturated with rain +and coated with mud, indented and broken above the brim by that +villainous whip-handle; in another, the crimson handkerchief, +soaking in a deeply tinctured pool of water - for much rain had +fallen in the interim. + +Bad news flies fast: it was hardly four o'clock when I got home, +but my mother gravely accosted me with - 'Oh, Gilbert! - Such an +accident! Rose has been shopping in the village, and she's heard +that Mr. Lawrence has been thrown from his horse and brought home +dying!' + +This shocked me a trifle, as you may suppose; but I was comforted +to hear that he had frightfully fractured his skull and broken a +leg; for, assured of the falsehood of this, I trusted the rest of +the story was equally exaggerated; and when I heard my mother and +sister so feelingly deploring his condition, I had considerable +difficulty in preventing myself from telling them the real extent +of the injuries, as far as I knew them. + +'You must go and see him to-morrow,' said my mother. + +'Or to-day,' suggested Rose: 'there's plenty of time; and you can +have the pony, as your horse is tired. Won't you, Gilbert - as +soon as you've had something to eat?' + +'No, no - how can we tell that it isn't all a false report? It's +highly im-' + +'Oh, I'm sure it isn't; for the village is all alive about it; and +I saw two people that had seen others that had seen the man that +found him. That sounds far-fetched; but it isn't so when you think +of it.' + +'Well, but Lawrence is a good rider; it is not likely he would fall +from his horse at all; and if he did, it is highly improbable he +would break his bones in that way. It must be a gross exaggeration +at least.' + +'No; but the horse kicked him - or something.' + +'What, his quiet little pony?' + +'How do you know it was that?' + +'He seldom rides any other.' + +'At any rate,' said my mother, 'you will call to-morrow. Whether +it be true or false, exaggerated or otherwise, we shall like to +know how he is.' + +'Fergus may go.' + +'Why not you?' + +'He has more time. I am busy just now.' + +'Oh! but, Gilbert, how can you be so composed about it? You won't +mind business for an hour or two in a case of this sort, when your +friend is at the point of death.' + +'He is not, I tell you.' + +'For anything you know, he may be: you can't tell till you have +seen him. At all events, he must have met with some terrible +accident, and you ought to see him: he'll take it very unkind if +you don't.' + +'Confound it! I can't. He and I have not been on good terms of +late.' + +'Oh, my dear boy! Surely, surely you are not so unforgiving as to +carry your little differences to such a length as - ' + +'Little differences, indeed!' I muttered. + +'Well, but only remember the occasion. Think how - ' + +'Well, well, don't bother me now - I'll see about it,' I replied. + +And my seeing about it was to send Fergus next morning, with my +mother's compliments, to make the requisite inquiries; for, of +course, my going was out of the question - or sending a message +either. He brought back intelligence that the young squire was +laid up with the complicated evils of a broken head and certain +contusions (occasioned by a fall - of which he did not trouble +himself to relate the particulars - and the subsequent misconduct +of his horse), and a severe cold, the consequence of lying on the +wet ground in the rain; but there were no broken bones, and no +immediate prospects of dissolution. + +It was evident, then, that for Mrs. Graham's sake it was not his +intention to criminate me. + + + +CHAPTER XV + + + +That day was rainy like its predecessor; but towards evening it +began to clear up a little, and the next morning was fair and +promising. I was out on the hill with the reapers. A light wind +swept over the corn, and all nature laughed in the sunshine. The +lark was rejoicing among the silvery floating clouds. The late +rain had so sweetly freshened and cleared the air, and washed the +sky, and left such glittering gems on branch and blade, that not +even the farmers could have the heart to blame it. But no ray of +sunshine could reach my heart, no breeze could freshen it; nothing +could fill the void my faith, and hope, and joy in Helen Graham had +left, or drive away the keen regrets and bitter dregs of lingering +love that still oppressed it. + +While I stood with folded arms abstractedly gazing on the +undulating swell of the corn, not yet disturbed by the reapers, +something gently pulled my skirts, and a small voice, no longer +welcome to my ears, aroused me with the startling words, - 'Mr. +Markham, mamma wants you.' + +'Wants me, Arthur?' + +'Yes. Why do you look so queer?' said he, half laughing, half +frightened at the unexpected aspect of my face in suddenly turning +towards him, - 'and why have you kept so long away? Come! Won't +you come?' + +'I'm busy just now,' I replied, scarce knowing what to answer. + +He looked up in childish bewilderment; but before I could speak +again the lady herself was at my side. + +'Gilbert, I must speak with you!' said she, in a tone of suppressed +vehemence. + +I looked at her pale cheek and glittering eye, but answered +nothing. + +'Only for a moment,' pleaded she. 'Just step aside into this other +field.' She glanced at the reapers, some of whom were directing +looks of impertinent curiosity towards her. 'I won't keep you a +minute.' + +I accompanied her through the gap. + +'Arthur, darling, run and gather those bluebells,' said she, +pointing to some that were gleaming at some distance under the +hedge along which we walked. The child hesitated, as if unwilling +to quit my side. 'Go, love!' repeated she more urgently, and in a +tone which, though not unkind, demanded prompt obedience, and +obtained it. + +'Well, Mrs. Graham?' said I, calmly and coldly; for, though I saw +she was miserable, and pitied her, I felt glad to have it in my +power to torment her. + +She fixed her eyes upon me with a look that pierced me to the +heart; and yet it made me smile. + +'I don't ask the reason of this change, Gilbert,' said she, with +bitter calmness: 'I know it too well; but though I could see +myself suspected and condemned by every one else, and bear it with +calmness, I cannot endure it from you. - Why did you not come to +hear my explanation on the day I appointed to give it?' + +'Because I happened, in the interim, to learn all you would have +told me - and a trifle more, I imagine.' + +'Impossible, for I would have told you all!' cried she, +passionately - 'but I won't now, for I see you are not worthy of +it!' + +And her pale lips quivered with agitation. + +'Why not, may I ask?' + +She repelled my mocking smile with a glance of scornful +indignation. + +'Because you never understood me, or you would not soon have +listened to my traducers - my confidence would be misplaced in you +- you are not the man I thought you. Go! I won't care what you +think of me.' + +She turned away, and I went; for I thought that would torment her +as much as anything; and I believe I was right; for, looking back a +minute after, I saw her turn half round, as if hoping or expecting +to find me still beside her; and then she stood still, and cast one +look behind. It was a look less expressive of anger than of bitter +anguish and despair; but I immediately assumed an aspect of +indifference, and affected to be gazing carelessly around me, and I +suppose she went on; for after lingering awhile to see if she would +come back or call, I ventured one more glance, and saw her a good +way off, moving rapidly up the field, with little Arthur running by +her side and apparently talking as he went; but she kept her face +averted from him, as if to hide some uncontrollable emotion. And I +returned to my business. + +But I soon began to regret my precipitancy in leaving her so soon. +It was evident she loved me - probably she was tired of Mr. +Lawrence, and wished to exchange him for me; and if I had loved and +reverenced her less to begin with, the preference might have +gratified and amused me; but now the contrast between her outward +seeming and her inward mind, as I supposed, - between my former and +my present opinion of her, was so harrowing - so distressing to my +feelings, that it swallowed up every lighter consideration. + +But still I was curious to know what sort of an explanation she +would have given me - or would give now, if I pressed her for it - +how much she would confess, and how she would endeavour to excuse +herself. I longed to know what to despise, and what to admire in +her; how much to pity, and how much to hate; - and, what was more, +I would know. I would see her once more, and fairly satisfy myself +in what light to regard her, before we parted. Lost to me she was, +for ever, of course; but still I could not bear to think that we +had parted, for the last time, with so much unkindness and misery +on both sides. That last look of hers had sunk into my heart; I +could not forget it. But what a fool I was! Had she not deceived +me, injured me - blighted my happiness for life? 'Well, I'll see +her, however,' was my concluding resolve, 'but not to-day: to-day +and to-night she may think upon her sins, and be as miserable as +she will: to-morrow I will see her once again, and know something +more about her. The interview may be serviceable to her, or it may +not. At any rate, it will give a breath of excitement to the life +she has doomed to stagnation, and may calm with certainty some +agitating thoughts.' + +I did go on the morrow, but not till towards evening, after the +business of the day was concluded, that is, between six and seven; +and the westering sun was gleaming redly on the old Hall, and +flaming in the latticed windows, as I reached it, imparting to the +place a cheerfulness not its own. I need not dilate upon the +feelings with which I approached the shrine of my former divinity - +that spot teeming with a thousand delightful recollections and +glorious dreams - all darkened now by one disastrous truth + +Rachel admitted me into the parlour, and went to call her mistress, +for she was not there: but there was her desk left open on the +little round table beside the high-backed chair, with a book laid +upon it. Her limited but choice collection of books was almost as +familiar to me as my own; but this volume I had not seen before. I +took it up. It was Sir Humphry Davy's 'Last Days of a +Philosopher,' and on the first leaf was written, 'Frederick +Lawrence.' I closed the book, but kept it in my hand, and stood +facing the door, with my back to the fire-place, calmly waiting her +arrival; for I did not doubt she would come. And soon I heard her +step in the hall. My heart was beginning to throb, but I checked +it with an internal rebuke, and maintained my composure - outwardly +at least. She entered, calm, pale, collected. + +'To what am I indebted for this favour, Mr. Markham?' said she, +with such severe but quiet dignity as almost disconcerted me; but I +answered with a smile, and impudently enough, - + +'Well, I am come to hear your explanation.' + +'I told you I would not give it,' said she. 'I said you were +unworthy of my confidence.' + +'Oh, very well,' replied I, moving to the door. + +'Stay a moment,' said she. 'This is the last time I shall see you: +don't go just yet.' + +I remained, awaiting her further commands. + +'Tell me,' resumed she, 'on what grounds you believe these things +against me; who told you; and what did they say?' + +I paused a moment. She met my eye as unflinchingly as if her bosom +had been steeled with conscious innocence. She was resolved to +know the worst, and determined to dare it too. 'I can crush that +bold spirit,' thought I. But while I secretly exulted in my power, +I felt disposed to dally with my victim like a cat. Showing her +the book that I still held, in my hand, and pointing to the name on +the fly-leaf, but fixing my eye upon her face, I asked, - 'Do you +know that gentleman?' + +'Of course I do,' replied she; and a sudden flush suffused her +features - whether of shame or anger I could not tell: it rather +resembled the latter. 'What next, sir?' + +'How long is it since you saw him?' + +'Who gave you the right to catechize me on this or any other +subject?' + +'Oh, no one! - it's quite at your option whether to answer or not. +And now, let me ask - have you heard what has lately befallen this +friend of yours? - because, if you have not - ' + +'I will not be insulted, Mr. Markham!' cried she, almost infuriated +at my manner. 'So you had better leave the house at once, if you +came only for that.' + +'I did not come to insult you: I came to hear your explanation.' + +'And I tell you I won't give it!' retorted she, pacing the room in +a state of strong excitement, with her hands clasped tightly +together, breathing short, and flashing fires of indignation from +her eyes. 'I will not condescend to explain myself to one that can +make a jest of such horrible suspicions, and be so easily led to +entertain them.' + +'I do not make a jest of them, Mrs. Graham,' returned I, dropping +at once my tone of taunting sarcasm. 'I heartily wish I could find +them a jesting matter. And as to being easily led to suspect, God +only knows what a blind, incredulous fool I have hitherto been, +perseveringly shutting my eyes and stopping my ears against +everything that threatened to shake my confidence in you, till +proof itself confounded my infatuation!' + +'What proof, sir?' + +'Well, I'll tell you. You remember that evening when I was here +last?' + +'I do.' + +'Even then you dropped some hints that might have opened the eyes +of a wiser man; but they had no such effect upon me: I went on +trusting and believing, hoping against hope, and adoring where I +could not comprehend. It so happened, however, that after I left +you I turned back - drawn by pure depth of sympathy and ardour of +affection - not daring to intrude my presence openly upon you, but +unable to resist the temptation of catching one glimpse through the +window, just to see how you were: for I had left you apparently in +great affliction, and I partly blamed my own want of forbearance +and discretion as the cause of it. If I did wrong, love alone was +my incentive, and the punishment was severe enough; for it was just +as I had reached that tree, that you came out into the garden with +your friend. Not choosing to show myself, under the circumstances, +I stood still, in the shadow, till you had both passed by.' + +'And how much of our conversation did you hear?' + +'I heard quite enough, Helen. And it was well for me that I did +hear it; for nothing less could have cured my infatuation. I +always said and thought, that I would never believe a word against +you, unless I heard it from your own lips. All the hints and +affirmations of others I treated as malignant, baseless slanders; +your own self-accusations I believed to be overstrained; and all +that seemed unaccountable in your position I trusted that you could +account for if you chose.' + +Mrs. Graham had discontinued her walk. She leant against one end +of the chimney-piece, opposite that near which I was standing, with +her chin resting on her closed hand, her eyes - no longer burning +with anger, but gleaming with restless excitement - sometimes +glancing at me while I spoke, then coursing the opposite wall, or +fixed upon the carpet. + +'You should have come to me after all,' said she, 'and heard what I +had to say in my own justification. It was ungenerous and wrong to +withdraw yourself so secretly and suddenly, immediately after such +ardent protestations of attachment, without ever assigning a reason +for the change. You should have told me all-no matter how +bitterly. It would have been better than this silence.' + +'To what end should I have done so? You could not have enlightened +me further, on the subject which alone concerned me; nor could you +have made me discredit the evidence of my senses. I desired our +intimacy to be discontinued at once, as you yourself had +acknowledged would probably be the case if I knew all; but I did +not wish to upbraid you, - though (as you also acknowledged) you +had deeply wronged me. Yes, you have done me an injury you can +never repair - or any other either - you have blighted the +freshness and promise of youth, and made my life a wilderness! I +might live a hundred years, but I could never recover from the +effects of this withering blow - and never forget it! Hereafter - +You smile, Mrs. Graham,' said I, suddenly stopping short, checked +in my passionate declamation by unutterable feelings to behold her +actually smiling at the picture of the ruin she had wrought. + +'Did I?' replied she, looking seriously up; 'I was not aware of it. +If I did, it was not for pleasure at the thoughts of the harm I had +done you. Heaven knows I have had torment enough at the bare +possibility of that; it was for joy to find that you had some depth +of soul and feeling after all, and to hope that I had not been +utterly mistaken in your worth. But smiles and tears are so alike +with me, they are neither of them confined to any particular +feelings: I often cry when I am happy, and smile when I am sad.' + +She looked at me again, and seemed to expect a reply; but I +continued silent. + +'Would you be very glad,' resumed she, 'to find that you were +mistaken in your conclusions?' + +'How can you ask it, Helen?' + +'I don't say I can clear myself altogether,' said she, speaking low +and fast, while her heart beat visibly and her bosom heaved with +excitement, - 'but would you be glad to discover I was better than +you think me?' + +'Anything that could in the least degree tend to restore my former +opinion of you, to excuse the regard I still feel for you, and +alleviate the pangs of unutterable regret that accompany it, would +be only too gladly, too eagerly received!' Her cheeks burned, and +her whole frame trembled, now, with excess of agitation. She did +not speak, but flew to her desk, and snatching thence what seemed a +thick album or manuscript volume, hastily tore away a few leaves +from the end, and thrust the rest into my hand, saying, 'You +needn't read it all; but take it home with you,' and hurried from +the room. But when I had left the house, and was proceeding down +the walk, she opened the window and called me back. It was only to +say, - 'Bring it back when you have read it; and don't breathe a +word of what it tells you to any living being. I trust to your +honour.' + +Before I could answer she had closed the casement and turned away. +I saw her cast herself back in the old oak chair, and cover her +face with her hands. Her feelings had been wrought to a pitch that +rendered it necessary to seek relief in tears. + +Panting with eagerness, and struggling to suppress my hopes, I +hurried home, and rushed up-stairs to my room, having first +provided myself with a candle, though it was scarcely twilight yet +- then, shut and bolted the door, determined to tolerate no +interruption; and sitting down before the table, opened out my +prize and delivered myself up to its perusal - first hastily +turning over the leaves and snatching a sentence here and there, +and then setting myself steadily to read it through. + +I have it now before me; and though you could not, of course, +peruse it with half the interest that I did, I know you would not +be satisfied with an abbreviation of its contents, and you shall +have the whole, save, perhaps, a few passages here and there of +merely temporary interest to the writer, or such as would serve to +encumber the story rather than elucidate it. It begins somewhat +abruptly, thus - but we will reserve its commencement for another +chapter. + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + + +June 1st, 1821. - We have just returned to Staningley - that is, we +returned some days ago, and I am not yet settled, and feel as if I +never should be. We left town sooner than was intended, in +consequence of my uncle's indisposition; - I wonder what would have +been the result if we had stayed the full time. I am quite ashamed +of my new-sprung distaste for country life. All my former +occupations seem so tedious and dull, my former amusements so +insipid and unprofitable. I cannot enjoy my music, because there +is no one to hear it. I cannot enjoy my walks, because there is no +one to meet. I cannot enjoy my books, because they have not power +to arrest my attention: my head is so haunted with the +recollections of the last few weeks, that I cannot attend to them. +My drawing suits me best, for I can draw and think at the same +time; and if my productions cannot now be seen by any one but +myself, and those who do not care about them, they, possibly, may +be, hereafter. But, then, there is one face I am always trying to +paint or to sketch, and always without success; and that vexes me. +As for the owner of that face, I cannot get him out of my mind - +and, indeed, I never try. I wonder whether he ever thinks of me; +and I wonder whether I shall ever see him again. And then might +follow a train of other wonderments - questions for time and fate +to answer - concluding with - Supposing all the rest be answered in +the affirmative, I wonder whether I shall ever repent it? as my +aunt would tell me I should, if she knew what I was thinking about. + +How distinctly I remember our conversation that evening before our +departure for town, when we were sitting together over the fire, my +uncle having gone to bed with a slight attack of the gout. + +'Helen,' said she, after a thoughtful silence, 'do you ever think +about marriage?' + +'Yes, aunt, often.' + +'And do you ever contemplate the possibility of being married +yourself, or engaged, before the season is over?' + +'Sometimes; but I don't think it at all likely that I ever shall.' + +'Why so?' + +'Because, I imagine, there must be only a very, very few men in the +world that I should like to marry; and of those few, it is ten to +one I may never be acquainted with one; or if I should, it is +twenty to one he may not happen to be single, or to take a fancy to +me.' + +'That is no argument at all. It may be very true - and I hope is +true, that there are very few men whom you would choose to marry, +of yourself. It is not, indeed, to be supposed that you would wish +to marry any one till you were asked: a girl's affections should +never be won unsought. But when they are sought - when the citadel +of the heart is fairly besieged - it is apt to surrender sooner +than the owner is aware of, and often against her better judgment, +and in opposition to all her preconceived ideas of what she could +have loved, unless she be extremely careful and discreet. Now, I +want to warn you, Helen, of these things, and to exhort you to be +watchful and circumspect from the very commencement of your career, +and not to suffer your heart to be stolen from you by the first +foolish or unprincipled person that covets the possession of it. - +You know, my dear, you are only just eighteen; there is plenty of +time before you, and neither your uncle nor I are in any hurry to +get you off our hands, and I may venture to say, there will be no +lack of suitors; for you can boast a good family, a pretty +considerable fortune and expectations, and, I may as well tell you +likewise - for, if I don't, others will - that you have a fair +share of beauty besides - and I hope you may never have cause to +regret it!' + +'I hope not, aunt; but why should you fear it?' + +'Because, my dear, beauty is that quality which, next to money, is +generally the most attractive to the worst kinds of men; and, +therefore, it is likely to entail a great deal of trouble on the +possessor.' + +'Have you been troubled in that way, aunt?' + +'No, Helen,' said she, with reproachful gravity, 'but I know many +that have; and some, through carelessness, have been the wretched +victims of deceit; and some, through weakness, have fallen into +snares and temptations terrible to relate.' + +'Well, I shall be neither careless nor weak.' + +'Remember Peter, Helen! Don't boast, but watch. Keep a guard over +your eyes and ears as the inlets of your heart, and over your lips +as the outlet, lest they betray you in a moment of unwariness. +Receive, coldly and dispassionately, every attention, till you have +ascertained and duly considered the worth of the aspirant; and let +your affections be consequent upon approbation alone. First study; +then approve; then love. Let your eyes be blind to all external +attractions, your ears deaf to all the fascinations of flattery and +light discourse. - These are nothing - and worse than nothing - +snares and wiles of the tempter, to lure the thoughtless to their +own destruction. Principle is the first thing, after all; and next +to that, good sense, respectability, and moderate wealth. If you +should marry the handsomest, and most accomplished and +superficially agreeable man in the world, you little know the +misery that would overwhelm you if, after all, you should find him +to be a worthless reprobate, or even an impracticable fool.' + +'But what are all the poor fools and reprobates to do, aunt? If +everybody followed your advice, the world would soon come to an +end.' + +'Never fear, my dear! the male fools and reprobates will never want +for partners, while there are so many of the other sex to match +them; but do you follow my advice. And this is no subject for +jesting, Helen - I am sorry to see you treat the matter in that +light way. Believe me, matrimony is a serious thing.' And she +spoke it so seriously, that one might have fancied she had known it +to her cost; but I asked no more impertinent questions, and merely +answered, - 'I know it is; and I know there is truth and sense in +what you say; but you need not fear me, for I not only should think +it wrong to marry a man that was deficient in sense or in +principle, but I should never be tempted to do it; for I could not +like him, if he were ever so handsome, and ever so charming, in +other respects; I should hate him - despise him - pity him - +anything but love him. My affections not only ought to be founded +on approbation, but they will and must be so: for, without +approving, I cannot love. It is needless to say, I ought to be +able to respect and honour the man I marry, as well as love him, +for I cannot love him without. So set your mind at rest.' + +'I hope it may be so,' answered she. + +'I know it is so,' persisted I. + +'You have not been tried yet, Helen - we can but hope,' said she in +her cold, cautious way. + +'I was vexed at her incredulity; but I am not sure her doubts were +entirely without sagacity; I fear I have found it much easier to +remember her advice than to profit by it; - indeed, I have +sometimes been led to question the soundness of her doctrines on +those subjects. Her counsels may be good, as far as they go - in +the main points at least; - but there are some things she has +overlooked in her calculations. I wonder if she was ever in love. + +I commenced my career - or my first campaign, as my uncle calls it +- kindling with bright hopes and fancies - chiefly raised by this +conversation - and full of confidence in my own discretion. At +first, I was delighted with the novelty and excitement of our +London life; but soon I began to weary of its mingled turbulence +and constraint, and sigh for the freshness and freedom of home. My +new acquaintances, both male and female, disappointed my +expectations, and vexed and depressed me by turns; I for I soon +grew tired of studying their peculiarities, and laughing at their +foibles - particularly as I was obliged to keep my criticisms to +myself, for my aunt would not hear them - and they - the ladies +especially - appeared so provokingly mindless, and heartless, and +artificial. The gentlemen scorned better, but, perhaps, it was +because I knew them less - perhaps, because they flattered me; but +I did not fall in love with any of them; and, if their attentions +pleased me one moment, they provoked me the next, because they put +me out of humour with myself, by revealing my vanity and making me +fear I was becoming like some of the ladies I so heartily despised. + +There was one elderly gentleman that annoyed me very much; a rich +old friend of my uncle's, who, I believe, thought I could not do +better than marry him; but, besides being old, he was ugly and +disagreeable, - and wicked, I am sure, though my aunt scolded me +for saying so; but she allowed he was no saint. And there was +another, less hateful, but still more tiresome, because she +favoured him, and was always thrusting him upon me, and sounding +his praises in my ears - Mr. Boarham by name, Bore'em, as I prefer +spelling it, for a terrible bore he was: I shudder still at the +remembrance of his voice - drone, drone, drone, in my ear - while +he sat beside me, prosing away by the half-hour together, and +beguiling himself with the notion that he was improving my mind by +useful information, or impressing his dogmas upon me and reforming +my errors of judgment, or perhaps that he was talking down to my +level, and amusing me with entertaining discourse. Yet he was a +decent man enough in the main, I daresay; and if he had kept his +distance, I never would have hated him. As it was, it was almost +impossible to help it, for he not only bothered me with the +infliction of his own presence, but he kept me from the enjoyment +of more agreeable society. + +One night, however, at a ball, he had been more than usually +tormenting, and my patience was quite exhausted. It appeared as if +the whole evening was fated to be insupportable: I had just had +one dance with an empty-headed coxcomb, and then Mr. Boarham had +come upon me and seemed determined to cling to me for the rest of +the night. He never danced himself, and there he sat, poking his +head in my face, and impressing all beholders with the idea that he +was a confirmed, acknowledged lover; my aunt looking complacently +on all the time, and wishing him God-speed. In vain I attempted to +drive him away by giving a loose to my exasperated feelings, even +to positive rudeness: nothing could convince him that his presence +was disagreeable. Sullen silence was taken for rapt attention, and +gave him greater room to talk; sharp answers were received as smart +sallies of girlish vivacity, that only required an indulgent +rebuke; and flat contradictions were but as oil to the flames, +calling forth new strains of argument to support his dogmas, and +bringing down upon me endless floods of reasoning to overwhelm me +with conviction. + +But there was one present who seemed to have a better appreciation +of my frame of mind. A gentleman stood by, who had been watching +our conference for some time, evidently much amused at my +companion's remorseless pertinacity and my manifest annoyance, and +laughing to himself at the asperity and uncompromising spirit of my +replies. At length, however, he withdrew, and went to the lady of +the house, apparently for the purpose of asking an introduction to +me, for, shortly after, they both came up, and she introduced him +as Mr. Huntingdon, the son of a late friend of my uncle's. He +asked me to dance. I gladly consented, of course; and he was my +companion during the remainder of my stay, which was not long, for +my aunt, as usual, insisted upon an early departure. + +I was sorry to go, for I had found my new acquaintance a very +lively and entertaining companion. There was a certain graceful +ease and freedom about all he said and did, that gave a sense of +repose and expansion to the mind, after so much constraint and +formality as I had been doomed to suffer. There might be, it is +true, a little too much careless boldness in his manner and +address, but I was in so good a humour, and so grateful for my late +deliverance from Mr. Boarham, that it did not anger me. + +'Well, Helen, how do you like Mr. Boarham now?' said my aunt, as we +took our seats in the carriage and drove away. + +'Worse than ever,' I replied. + +She looked displeased, but said no more on that subject. + +'Who was the gentleman you danced with last,' resumed she, after a +pause - 'that was so officious in helping you on with your shawl?' + +'He was not officious at all, aunt: he never attempted to help me +till he saw Mr. Boarham coming to do so; and then he stepped +laughingly forward and said, "Come, I'll preserve you from that +infliction."' + +'Who was it, I ask?' said she, with frigid gravity. + +'It was Mr. Huntingdon, the son of uncle's old friend.' + +'I have heard your uncle speak of young Mr. Huntingdon. I've heard +him say, "He's a fine lad, that young Huntingdon, but a bit +wildish, I fancy." So I'd have you beware.' + +'What does "a bit wildish" mean?' I inquired. + +'It means destitute of principle, and prone to every vice that is +common to youth.' + +'But I've heard uncle say he was a sad wild fellow himself, when he +was young.' + +She sternly shook her head. + +'He was jesting then, I suppose,' said I, 'and here he was speaking +at random - at least, I cannot believe there is any harm in those +laughing blue eyes.' + +'False reasoning, Helen!' said she, with a sigh. + +'Well, we ought to be charitable, you know, aunt - besides, I don't +think it is false: I am an excellent physiognomist, and I always +judge of people's characters by their looks - not by whether they +are handsome or ugly, but by the general cast of the countenance. +For instance, I should know by your countenance that you were not +of a cheerful, sanguine disposition; and I should know by Mr. +Wilmot's, that he was a worthless old reprobate; and by Mr. +Boarham's, that he was not an agreeable companion; and by Mr. +Huntingdon's, that he was neither a fool nor a knave, though, +possibly, neither a sage nor a saint - but that is no matter to me, +as I am not likely to meet him again - unless as an occasional +partner in the ball-room.' + +It was not so, however, for I met him again next morning. He came +to call upon my uncle, apologising for not having done so before, +by saying he was only lately returned from the Continent, and had +not heard, till the previous night, of my uncle's arrival in town; +and after that I often met him; sometimes in public, sometimes at +home; for he was very assiduous in paying his respects to his old +friend, who did not, however, consider himself greatly obliged by +the attention. + +'I wonder what the deuce the lad means by coming so often,' he +would say, - 'can you tell, Helen? - Hey? He wants none o' my +company, nor I his - that's certain.' + +'I wish you'd tell him so, then,' said my aunt. + +'Why, what for? If I don't want him, somebody does, mayhap' +(winking at me). 'Besides, he's a pretty tidy fortune, Peggy, you +know - not such a catch as Wilmot; but then Helen won't hear of +that match: for, somehow, these old chaps don't go down with the +girls - with all their money, and their experience to boot. I'll +bet anything she'd rather have this young fellow without a penny, +than Wilmot with his house full of gold. Wouldn't you, Nell?' + +'Yes, uncle; but that's not saying much for Mr. Huntingdon; for I'd +rather be an old maid and a pauper than Mrs. Wilmot.' + +'And Mrs. Huntingdon? What would you rather be than Mrs. +Huntingdon - eh?' + +'I'll tell you when I've considered the matter.' + +'Ah! it needs consideration, then? But come, now - would you +rather be an old maid - let alone the pauper?' + +'I can't tell till I'm asked.' + +And I left the room immediately, to escape further examination. +But five minutes after, in looking from my window, I beheld Mr. +Boarham coming up to the door. I waited nearly half-an-hour in +uncomfortable suspense, expecting every minute to be called, and +vainly longing to hear him go. Then footsteps were heard on the +stairs, and my aunt entered the room with a solemn countenance, and +closed the door behind her. + +'Here is Mr. Boarham, Helen,' said she. 'He wishes to see you.' + +'Oh, aunt! - Can't you tell him I'm indisposed? - I'm sure I am - +to see him.' + +'Nonsense, my dear! this is no trifling matter. He is come on a +very important errand - to ask your hand in marriage of your uncle +and me.' + +'I hope my uncle and you told him it was not in your power to give +it. What right had he to ask any one before me?' + +'Helen!' + +'What did my uncle say?' + +'He said he would not interfere in the matter; if you liked to +accept Mr. Boarham's obliging offer, you - ' + +'Did he say obliging offer?' + +'No; he said if you liked to take him you might; and if not, you +might please yourself.' + +'He said right; and what did you say?' + +'It is no matter what I said. What will you say? - that is the +question. He is now waiting to ask you himself; but consider well +before you go; and if you intend to refuse him, give me your +reasons.' + +'I shall refuse him, of course; but you must tell me how, for I +want to be civil and yet decided - and when I've got rid of him, +I'll give you my reasons afterwards.' + +'But stay, Helen; sit down a little and compose yourself. Mr. +Boarham is in no particular hurry, for he has little doubt of your +acceptance; and I want to speak with you. Tell me, my dear, what +are your objections to him? Do you deny that he is an upright, +honourable man?' + +'No.' + +'Do you deny that he is sensible, sober, respectable?' + +'No; he may be all this, but - ' + +'But, Helen! How many such men do you expect to meet with in the +world? Upright, honourable, sensible, sober, respectable! Is this +such an every-day character that you should reject the possessor of +such noble qualities without a moment's hesitation? Yes, noble I +may call them; for think of the full meaning of each, and how many +inestimable virtues they include (and I might add many more to the +list), and consider that all this is laid at your feet. It is in +your power to secure this inestimable blessing for life - a worthy +and excellent husband, who loves you tenderly, but not too fondly +so as to blind him to your faults, and will be your guide +throughout life's pilgrimage, and your partner in eternal bliss. +Think how - ' + +'But I hate him, aunt,' said I, interrupting this unusual flow of +eloquence. + +'Hate him, Helen! Is this a Christian spirit? - you hate him? and +he so good a man!' + +'I don't hate him as a man, but as a husband. As a man, I love him +so much that I wish him a better wife than I - one as good as +himself, or better - if you think that possible - provided she +could like him; but I never could, and therefore - ' + +'But why not? What objection do you find?' + +'Firstly, he is at least forty years old - considerably more, I +should think - and I am but eighteen; secondly, he is narrow-minded +and bigoted in the extreme; thirdly, his tastes and feelings are +wholly dissimilar to mine; fourthly, his looks, voice, and manner +are particularly displeasing to me; and, finally, I have an +aversion to his whole person that I never can surmount.' + +'Then you ought to surmount it. And please to compare him for a +moment with Mr. Huntingdon, and, good looks apart (which contribute +nothing to the merit of the man, or to the happiness of married +life, and which you have so often professed to hold in light +esteem), tell me which is the better man.' + +'I have no doubt Mr. Huntingdon is a much better man than you think +him; but we are not talking about him now, but about Mr. Boarham; +and as I would rather grow, live, and die in single blessedness - +than be his wife, it is but right that I should tell him so at +once, and put him out of suspense - so let me go.' + +'But don't give him a flat denial; he has no idea of such a thing, +and it would offend him greatly: say you have no thoughts of +matrimony at present - ' + +'But I have thoughts of it.' + +'Or that you desire a further acquaintance.' + +'But I don't desire a further acquaintance - quite the contrary.' + +And without waiting for further admonitions I left the room and +went to seek Mr. Boarham. He was walking up and down the drawing- +room, humming snatches of tunes and nibbling the end of his cane. + +'My dear young lady,' said he, bowing and smirking with great +complacency, 'I have your kind guardian's permission - ' + +'I know, sir,' said I, wishing to shorten the scene as much as +possible, 'and I am greatly obliged for your preference, but must +beg to decline the honour you wish to confer, for I think we were +not made for each other, as you yourself would shortly discover if +the experiment were tried.' + +My aunt was right. It was quite evident he had had little doubt of +my acceptance, and no idea of a positive denial. He was amazed, +astounded at such an answer, but too incredulous to be much +offended; and after a little humming and hawing, he returned to the +attack. + +'I know, my dear, that there exists a considerable disparity +between us in years, in temperament, and perhaps some other things; +but let me assure you, I shall not be severe to mark the faults and +foibles of a young and ardent nature such as yours, and while I +acknowledge them to myself, and even rebuke them with all a +father's care, believe me, no youthful lover could be more tenderly +indulgent towards the object of his affections than I to you; and, +on the other hand, let me hope that my more experienced years and +graver habits of reflection will be no disparagement in your eyes, +as I shall endeavour to make them all conducive to your happiness. +Come, now! What do you say? Let us have no young lady's +affectations and caprices, but speak out at once.' + +'I will, but only to repeat what I said before, that I am certain +we were not made for each other.' + +'You really think so?' + +'I do.' + +'But you don't know me - you wish for a further acquaintance - a +longer time to - ' + +'No, I don't. I know you as well as I ever shall, and better than +you know me, or you would never dream of uniting yourself to one so +incongruous - so utterly unsuitable to you in every way.' + +'But, my dear young lady, I don't look for perfection; I can excuse +- ' + +'Thank you, Mr. Boarham, but I won't trespass upon your goodness. +You may save your indulgence and consideration for some more worthy +object, that won't tax them so heavily.' + +'But let me beg you to consult your aunt; that excellent lady, I am +sure, will - ' + +'I have consulted her; and I know her wishes coincide with yours; +but in such important matters, I take the liberty of judging for +myself; and no persuasion can alter my inclinations, or induce me +to believe that such a step would be conducive to my happiness or +yours - and I wonder that a man of your experience and discretion +should think of choosing such a wife.' + +'Ah, well!' said he, 'I have sometimes wondered at that myself. I +have sometimes said to myself, "Now Boarham, what is this you're +after? Take care, man - look before you leap! This is a sweet, +bewitching creature, but remember, the brightest attractions to the +lover too often prove the husband's greatest torments!" I assure +you my choice has not been made without much reasoning and +reflection. The seeming imprudence of the match has cost me many +an anxious thought by day, and many a sleepless hour by night; but +at length I satisfied myself that it was not, in very deed, +imprudent. I saw my sweet girl was not without her faults, but of +these her youth, I trusted, was not one, but rather an earnest of +virtues yet unblown - a strong ground of presumption that her +little defects of temper and errors of judgment, opinion, or manner +were not irremediable, but might easily be removed or mitigated by +the patient efforts of a watchful and judicious adviser, and where +I failed to enlighten and control, I thought I might safely +undertake to pardon, for the sake of her many excellences. +Therefore, my dearest girl, since I am satisfied, why should you +object - on my account, at least?' + +'But to tell you the truth, Mr. Boarham, it is on my own account I +principally object; so let us - drop the subject,' I would have +said, 'for it is worse than useless to pursue it any further,' but +he pertinaciously interrupted me with, - 'But why so? I would love +you, cherish you, protect you,' &c., &c. + +I shall not trouble myself to put down all that passed between us. +Suffice it to say, that I found him very troublesome, and very hard +to convince that I really meant what I said, and really was so +obstinate and blind to my own interests, that there was no shadow +of a chance that either he or my aunt would ever be able to +overcome my objections. Indeed, I am not sure that I succeeded +after all; though wearied with his so pertinaciously returning to +the same point and repeating the same arguments over and over +again, forcing me to reiterate the same replies, I at length turned +short and sharp upon him, and my last words were, - 'I tell you +plainly, that it cannot be. No consideration can induce me to +marry against my inclinations. I respect you - at least, I would +respect you, if you would behave like a sensible man - but I cannot +love you, and never could - and the more you talk the further you +repel me; so pray don't say any more about it.' + +Whereupon he wished me a good-morning, and withdrew, disconcerted +and offended, no doubt; but surely it was not my fault. + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + + +The next day I accompanied my uncle and aunt to a dinner-party at +Mr. Wilmot's. He had two ladies staying with him: his niece +Annabella, a fine dashing girl, or rather young woman, - of some +five-and-twenty, too great a flirt to be married, according to her +own assertion, but greatly admired by the gentlemen, who +universally pronounced her a splendid woman; and her gentle cousin, +Milicent Hargrave, who had taken a violent fancy to me, mistaking +me for something vastly better than I was. And I, in return, was +very fond of her. I should entirely exclude poor Milicent in my +general animadversions against the ladies of my acquaintance. But +it was not on her account, or her cousin's, that I have mentioned +the party: it was for the sake of another of Mr. Wilmot's guests, +to wit Mr. Huntingdon. I have good reason to remember his presence +there, for this was the last time I saw him. + +He did not sit near me at dinner; for it was his fate to hand in a +capacious old dowager, and mine to be handed in by Mr. Grimsby, a +friend of his, but a man I very greatly disliked: there was a +sinister cast in his countenance, and a mixture of lurking ferocity +and fulsome insincerity in his demeanour, that I could not away +with. What a tiresome custom that is, by-the-by - one among the +many sources of factitious annoyance of this ultra-civilised life. +If the gentlemen must lead the ladies into the dining-room, why +cannot they take those they like best? + +I am not sure, however, that Mr. Huntingdon would have taken me, if +he had been at liberty to make his own selection. It is quite +possible he might have chosen Miss Wilmot; for she seemed bent upon +engrossing his attention to herself, and he seemed nothing loth to +pay the homage she demanded. I thought so, at least, when I saw +how they talked and laughed, and glanced across the table, to the +neglect and evident umbrage of their respective neighbours - and +afterwards, as the gentlemen joined us in the drawing-room, when +she, immediately upon his entrance, loudly called upon him to be +the arbiter of a dispute between herself and another lady, and he +answered the summons with alacrity, and decided the question +without a moment's hesitation in her favour - though, to my +thinking, she was obviously in the wrong - and then stood chatting +familiarly with her and a group of other ladies; while I sat with +Milicent Hargrave at the opposite end of the room, looking over the +latter's drawings, and aiding her with my critical observations and +advice, at her particular desire. But in spite of my efforts to +remain composed, my attention wandered from the drawings to the +merry group, and against my better judgment my wrath rose, and +doubtless my countenance lowered; for Milicent, observing that I +must be tired of her daubs and scratches, begged I would join the +company now, and defer the examination of the remainder to another +opportunity. But while I was assuring her that I had no wish to +join them, and was not tired, Mr. Huntingdon himself came up to the +little round table at which we sat. + +'Are these yours?' said he, carelessly taking up one of the +drawings. + +'No, they are Miss Hargrave's.' + +'Oh! well, let's have a look at them.' + +And, regardless of Miss Hargrave's protestations that they were not +worth looking at, he drew a chair to my side, and receiving the +drawings, one by one from my hand, successively scanned them over, +and threw them on the table, but said not a word about them, though +he was talking all the time. I don't know what Milicent Hargrave +thought of such conduct, but I found his conversation extremely +interesting; though, as I afterwards discovered, when I came to +analyse it, it was chiefly confined to quizzing the different +members of the company present; and albeit he made some clever +remarks, and some excessively droll ones, I do not think the whole +would appear anything very particular, if written here, without the +adventitious aids of look, and tone, and gesture, and that +ineffable but indefinite charm, which cast a halo over all he did +and said, and which would have made it a delight to look in his +face, and hear the music of his voice, if he had been talking +positive nonsense - and which, moreover, made me feel so bitter +against my aunt when she put a stop to this enjoyment, by coming +composedly forward, under pretence of wishing to see the drawings, +that she cared and knew nothing about, and while making believe to +examine them, addressing herself to Mr. Huntingdon, with one of her +coldest and most repellent aspects, and beginning a series of the +most common-place and formidably formal questions and observations, +on purpose to wrest his attention from me - on purpose to vex me, +as I thought: and having now looked through the portfolio, I left +them to their TETE-E-TETE, and seated myself on a sofa, quite apart +from the company - never thinking how strange such conduct would +appear, but merely to indulge, at first, the vexation of the +moment, and subsequently to enjoy my private thoughts. + +But I was not left long alone, for Mr. Wilmot, of all men the least +welcome, took advantage of my isolated position to come and plant +himself beside me. I had flattered myself that I had so +effectually repulsed his advances on all former occasions, that I +had nothing more to apprehend from his unfortunate predilection; +but it seems I was mistaken: so great was his confidence, either +in his wealth or his remaining powers of attraction, and so firm +his conviction of feminine weakness, that he thought himself +warranted to return to the siege, which he did with renovated +ardour, enkindled by the quantity of wine he had drunk - a +circumstance that rendered him infinitely the more disgusting; but +greatly as I abhorred him at that moment, I did not like to treat +him with rudeness, as I was now his guest, and had just been +enjoying his hospitality; and I was no hand at a polite but +determined rejection, nor would it have greatly availed me if I +had, for he was too coarse-minded to take any repulse that was not +as plain and positive as his own effrontery. The consequence was, +that he waxed more fulsomely tender, and more repulsively warm, and +I was driven to the very verge of desperation, and about to say I +know not what, when I felt my hand, that hung over the arm of the +sofa, suddenly taken by another and gently but fervently pressed. +Instinctively, I guessed who it was, and, on looking up, was less +surprised than delighted to see Mr. Huntingdon smiling upon me. It +was like turning from some purgatorial fiend to an angel of light, +come to announce that the season of torment was past. + +'Helen,' said he (he frequently called me Helen, and I never +resented the freedom), 'I want you to look at this picture. Mr. +Wilmot will excuse you a moment, I'm sure.' + +I rose with alacrity. He drew my arm within his, and led me across +the room to a splendid painting of Vandyke's that I had noticed +before, but not sufficiently examined. After a moment of silent +contemplation, I was beginning to comment on its beauties and +peculiarities, when, playfully pressing the hand he still retained +within his arm, he interrupted me with, - 'Never mind the picture: +it was not for that I brought you here; it was to get you away from +that scoundrelly old profligate yonder, who is looking as if he +would like to challenge me for the affront.' + +'I am very much obliged to you,' said I. 'This is twice you have +delivered me from such unpleasant companionship.' + +'Don't be too thankful,' he answered: 'it is not all kindness to +you; it is partly from a feeling of spite to your tormentors that +makes me delighted to do the old fellows a bad turn, though I don't +think I have any great reason to dread them as rivals. Have I, +Helen?' + +'You know I detest them both.' + +'And me?' + +'I have no reason to detest you.' + +'But what are your sentiments towards me? Helen - Speak! How do +you regard me?' + +And again he pressed my hand; but I feared there was more of +conscious power than tenderness in his demeanour, and I felt he had +no right to extort a confession of attachment from me when he had +made no correspondent avowal himself, and knew not what to answer. +At last I said, - 'How do you regard me?' + +'Sweet angel, I adore you! I - ' + +'Helen, I want you a moment,' said the distinct, low voice of my +aunt, close beside us. And I left him, muttering maledictions +against his evil angel. + +'Well, aunt, what is it? What do you want?' said I, following her +to the embrasure of the window. + +'I want you to join the company, when you are fit to be seen,' +returned she, severely regarding me; 'but please to stay here a +little, till that shocking colour is somewhat abated, and your eyes +have recovered something of their natural expression. I should be +ashamed for anyone to see you in your present state.' + +Of course, such a remark had no effect in reducing the 'shocking +colour'; on the contrary, I felt my face glow with redoubled fires +kindled by a complication of emotions, of which indignant, swelling +anger was the chief. I offered no reply, however, but pushed aside +the curtain and looked into the night - or rather into the lamp-lit +square. + +'Was Mr. Huntingdon proposing to you, Helen?' inquired my too +watchful relative. + +'No.' + +'What was he saying then? I heard something very like it.' + +'I don't know what he would have said, if you hadn't interrupted +him.' + +'And would you have accepted him, Helen, if he had proposed?' + +'Of course not - without consulting uncle and you.' + +'Oh! I'm glad, my dear, you have so much prudence left. Well, +now,' she added, after a moment's pause, 'you have made yourself +conspicuous enough for one evening. The ladies are directing +inquiring glances towards us at this moment, I see: I shall join +them. Do you come too, when you are sufficiently composed to +appear as usual.' + +'I am so now.' + +'Speak gently then, and don't look so malicious,' said my calm, but +provoking aunt. 'We shall return home shortly, and then,' she +added with solemn significance, 'I have much to say to you.' + +So I went home prepared for a formidable lecture. Little was said +by either party in the carriage during our short transit homewards; +but when I had entered my room and thrown myself into an easy- +chair, to reflect on the events of the day, my aunt followed me +thither, and having dismissed Rachel, who was carefully stowing +away my ornaments, closed the door; and placing a chair beside me, +or rather at right angles with mine, sat down. With due deference +I offered her my more commodious seat. She declined it, and thus +opened the conference: 'Do you remember, Helen, our conversation +the night but one before we left Staningley?' + +'Yes, aunt.' + +'And do you remember how I warned you against letting your heart be +stolen from you by those unworthy of its possession, and fixing +your affections where approbation did not go before, and where +reason and judgment withheld their sanction?' + +'Yes; but my reason - ' + +'Pardon me - and do you remember assuring me that there was no +occasion for uneasiness on your account; for you should never be +tempted to marry a man who was deficient in sense or principle, +however handsome or charming in other respects he might be, for you +could not love him; you should hate - despise - pity - anything but +love him - were not those your words?' + +'Yes; but - ' + +'And did you not say that your affection must be founded on +approbation; and that, unless you could approve and honour and +respect, you could not love?' + +'Yes; but I do approve, and honour, and respect - ' + +'How so, my dear? Is Mr. Huntingdon a good man?' + +'He is a much better man than you think him.' + +'That is nothing to the purpose. Is he a good man?' + +'Yes - in some respects. He has a good disposition.' + +'Is he a man of principle?' + +'Perhaps not, exactly; but it is only for want of thought. If he +had some one to advise him, and remind him of what is right - ' + +'He would soon learn, you think - and you yourself would willingly +undertake to be his teacher? But, my dear, he is, I believe, full +ten years older than you - how is it that you are so beforehand in +moral acquirements?' + +'Thanks to you, aunt, I have been well brought up, and had good +examples always before me, which he, most likely, has not; and, +besides, he is of a sanguine temperament, and a gay, thoughtless +temper, and I am naturally inclined to reflection.' + +'Well, now you have made him out to be deficient in both sense and +principle, by your own confession - ' + +'Then, my sense and my principle are at his service.' + +'That sounds presumptuous, Helen. Do you think you have enough for +both; and do you imagine your merry, thoughtless profligate would +allow himself to be guided by a young girl like you?' + +'No; I should not wish to guide him; but I think I might have +influence sufficient to save him from some errors, and I should +think my life well spent in the effort to preserve so noble a +nature from destruction. He always listens attentively now when I +speak seriously to him (and I often venture to reprove his random +way of talking), and sometimes he says that if he had me always by +his side he should never do or say a wicked thing, and that a +little daily talk with me would make him quite a saint. It may he +partly jest and partly flattery, but still - ' + +'But still you think it may be truth?' + +'If I do think there is any mixture of truth in it, it is not from +confidence in my own powers, but in his natural goodness. And you +have no right to call him a profligate, aunt; he is nothing of the +kind.' + +'Who told you so, my dear? What was that story about his intrigue +with a married lady - Lady who was it? - Miss Wilmot herself was +telling you the other day?' + +'It was false - false!' I cried. 'I don't believe a word of it.' + +'You think, then, that he is a virtuous, well-conducted young man?' + +'I know nothing positive respecting his character. I only know +that I have heard nothing definite against it - nothing that could +be proved, at least; and till people can prove their slanderous +accusations, I will not believe them. And I know this, that if he +has committed errors, they are only such as are common to youth, +and such as nobody thinks anything about; for I see that everybody +likes him, and all the mammas smile upon him, and their daughters - +and Miss Wilmot herself - are only too glad to attract his +attention.' + +'Helen, the world may look upon such offences as venial; a few +unprincipled mothers may be anxious to catch a young man of fortune +without reference to his character; and thoughtless girls may be +glad to win the smiles of so handsome a gentleman, without seeking +to penetrate beyond the surface; but you, I trusted, were better +informed than to see with their eyes, and judge with their +perverted judgment. I did not think you would call these venial +errors!' + +'Nor do I, aunt; but if I hate the sins, I love the sinner, and +would do much for his salvation, even supposing your suspicions to +be mainly true, which I do not and will not believe.' + +'Well, my dear, ask your uncle what sort of company he keeps, and +if he is not banded with a set of loose, profligate young men, whom +he calls his friends, his jolly companions, and whose chief delight +is to wallow in vice, and vie with each other who can run fastest +and furthest down the headlong road to the place prepared for the +devil and his angels.' + +'Then I will save him from them.' + +'Oh, Helen, Helen! you little know the misery of uniting your +fortunes to such a man!' + +'I have such confidence in him, aunt, notwithstanding all you say, +that I would willingly risk my happiness for the chance of securing +his. I will leave better men to those who only consider their own +advantage. If he has done amiss, I shall consider my life well +spent in saving him from the consequences of his early errors, and +striving to recall him to the path of virtue. God grant me +success!' + +Here the conversation ended, for at this juncture my uncle's voice +was heard from his chamber, loudly calling upon my aunt to come to +bed. He was in a bad humour that night; for his gout was worse. +It had been gradually increasing upon him ever since we came to +town; and my aunt took advantage of the circumstance next morning +to persuade him to return to the country immediately, without +waiting for the close of the season. His physician supported and +enforced her arguments; and contrary to her usual habits, she so +hurried the preparations for removal (as much for my sake as my +uncle's, I think), that in a very few days we departed; and I saw +no more of Mr. Huntingdon. My aunt flatters herself I shall soon +forget him - perhaps she thinks I have forgotten him already, for I +never mention his name; and she may continue to think so, till we +meet again - if ever that should be. I wonder if it will? + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + + +August 25th. - I am now quite settled down to my usual routine of +steady occupations and quiet amusements - tolerably contented and +cheerful, but still looking forward to spring with the hope of +returning to town, not for its gaieties and dissipations, but for +the chance of meeting Mr. Huntingdon once again; for still he is +always in my thoughts and in my dreams. In all my employments, +whatever I do, or see, or hear, has an ultimate reference to him; +whatever skill or knowledge I acquire is some day to be turned to +his advantage or amusement; whatever new beauties in nature or art +I discover are to be depicted to meet his eye, or stored in my +memory to be told him at some future period. This, at least, is +the hope that I cherish, the fancy that lights me on my lonely way. +It may be only an ignis fatuus, after all, but it can do no harm to +follow it with my eyes and rejoice in its lustre, as long as it +does not lure me from the path I ought to keep; and I think it will +not, for I have thought deeply on my aunt's advice, and I see +clearly, now, the folly of throwing myself away on one that is +unworthy of all the love I have to give, and incapable of +responding to the best and deepest feelings of my inmost heart - so +clearly, that even if I should see him again, and if he should +remember me and love me still (which, alas! is too little probable, +considering how he is situated, and by whom surrounded), and if he +should ask me to marry him - I am determined not to consent until I +know for certain whether my aunt's opinion of him or mine is +nearest the truth; for if mine is altogether wrong, it is not he +that I love; it is a creature of my own imagination. But I think +it is not wrong - no, no - there is a secret something - an inward +instinct that assures me I am right. There is essential goodness +in him; - and what delight to unfold it! If he has wandered, what +bliss to recall him! If he is now exposed to the baneful influence +of corrupting and wicked companions, what glory to deliver him from +them! Oh! if I could but believe that Heaven has designed me for +this! + +* * * * * + +To-day is the first of September; but my uncle has ordered the +gamekeeper to spare the partridges till the gentlemen come. 'What +gentlemen?' I asked when I heard it. A small party he had invited +to shoot. His friend Mr. Wilmot was one, and my aunt's friend, Mr. +Boarham, another. This struck me as terrible news at the moment; +but all regret and apprehension vanished like a dream when I heard +that Mr. Huntingdon was actually to be a third! My aunt is greatly +against his coming, of course: she earnestly endeavoured to +dissuade my uncle from asking him; but he, laughing at her +objections, told her it was no use talking, for the mischief was +already done: he had invited Huntingdon and his friend Lord +Lowborough before we left London, and nothing now remained but to +fix the day for their coming. So he is safe, and I am sure of +seeing him. I cannot express my joy. I find it very difficult to +conceal it from my aunt; but I don't wish to trouble her with my +feelings till I know whether I ought to indulge them or not. If I +find it my absolute duty to suppress them, they shall trouble no +one but myself; and if I can really feel myself justified in +indulging this attachment, I can dare anything, even the anger and +grief of my best friend, for its object - surely, I shall soon +know. But they are not coming till about the middle of the month. + +We are to have two lady visitors also: Mr. Wilmot is to bring his +niece and her cousin Milicent. I suppose my aunt thinks the latter +will benefit me by her society, and the salutary example of her +gentle deportment and lowly and tractable spirit; and the former I +suspect she intends as a species of counter-attraction to win Mr. +Huntingdon's attention from me. I don't thank her for this; but I +shall be glad of Milicent's company: she is a sweet, good girl, +and I wish I were like her - more like her, at least, than I am. + +* * * * * + +19th. - They are come. They came the day before yesterday. The +gentlemen are all gone out to shoot, and the ladies are with my +aunt, at work in the drawing-room. I have retired to the library, +for I am very unhappy, and I want to be alone. Books cannot divert +me; so having opened my desk, I will try what may be done by +detailing the cause of my uneasiness. This paper will serve +instead of a confidential friend into whose ear I might pour forth +the overflowings of my heart. It will not sympathise with my +distresses, but then it will not laugh at them, and, if I keep it +close, it cannot tell again; so it is, perhaps, the best friend I +could have for the purpose. + +First, let me speak of his arrival - how I sat at my window, and +watched for nearly two hours, before his carriage entered the park- +gates - for they all came before him, - and how deeply I was +disappointed at every arrival, because it was not his. First came +Mr. Wilmot and the ladies. When Milicent had got into her room, I +quitted my post a few minutes to look in upon her and have a little +private conversation, for she was now my intimate friend, several +long epistles having passed between us since our parting. On +returning to my window, I beheld another carriage at the door. Was +it his? No; it was Mr. Boarham's plain dark chariot; and there +stood he upon the steps, carefully superintending the dislodging of +his various boxes and packages. What a collection! One would have +thought he projected a visit of six months at least. A +considerable time after, came Lord Lowborough in his barouche. Is +he one of the profligate friends, I wonder? I should think not; +for no one could call him a jolly companion, I'm sure, - and, +besides, he appears too sober and gentlemanly in his demeanour to +merit such suspicions. He is a tall, thin, gloomy-looking man, +apparently between thirty and forty, and of a somewhat sickly, +careworn aspect. + +At last, Mr. Huntingdon's light phaeton came bowling merrily up the +lawn. I had but a transient glimpse of him: for the moment it +stopped, he sprang out over the side on to the portico steps, and +disappeared into the house. + +I now submitted to be dressed for dinner - a duty which Rachel had +been urging upon me for the last twenty minutes; and when that +important business was completed, I repaired to the drawing-room, +where I found Mr. and Miss Wilmot and Milicent Hargrave already +assembled. Shortly after, Lord Lowborough entered, and then Mr. +Boarham, who seemed quite willing to forget and forgive my former +conduct, and to hope that a little conciliation and steady +perseverance on his part might yet succeed in bringing me to +reason. While I stood at the window, conversing with Milicent, he +came up to me, and was beginning to talk in nearly his usual +strain, when Mr. Huntingdon entered the room. + +'How will he greet me, I wonder?' said my bounding heart; and, +instead of advancing to meet him, I turned to the window to hide or +subdue my emotion. But having saluted his host and hostess, and +the rest of the company, he came to me, ardently squeezed my hand, +and murmured he was glad to see me once again. At that moment +dinner was announced: my aunt desired him to take Miss Hargrave +into the dining-room, and odious Mr. Wilmot, with unspeakable +grimaces, offered his arm to me; and I was condemned to sit between +himself and Mr. Boarham. But afterwards, when we were all again +assembled in the drawing-room, I was indemnified for so much +suffering by a few delightful minutes of conversation with Mr. +Huntingdon. + +In the course of the evening, Miss Wilmot was called upon to sing +and play for the amusement of the company, and I to exhibit my +drawings, and, though he likes music, and she is an accomplished +musician, I think I am right in affirming, that he paid more +attention to my drawings than to her music. + +So far so good; - but hearing him pronounce, sotto voce, but with +peculiar emphasis, concerning one of the pieces, 'This is better +than all!' - I looked up, curious to see which it was, and, to my +horror, beheld him complacently gazing at the back of the picture:- +it was his own face that I had sketched there and forgotten to rub +out! To make matters worse, in the agony of the moment, I +attempted to snatch it from his hand; but he prevented me, and +exclaiming, 'No - by George, I'll keep it!' placed it against his +waistcoat and buttoned his coat upon it with a delighted chuckle. + +Then, drawing a candle close to his elbow, he gathered all the +drawings to himself, as well what he had seen as the others, and +muttering, 'I must look at both sides now,' he eagerly commenced an +examination, which I watched, at first, with tolerable composure, +in the confidence that his vanity would not be gratified by any +further discoveries; for, though I must plead guilty to having +disfigured the backs of several with abortive attempts to delineate +that too fascinating physiognomy, I was sure that, with that one +unfortunate exception, I had carefully obliterated all such +witnesses of my infatuation. But the pencil frequently leaves an +impression upon cardboard that no amount of rubbing can efface. +Such, it seems, was the case with most of these; and, I confess, I +trembled when I saw him holding them so close to the candle, and +poring so intently over the seeming blanks; but still, I trusted, +he would not be able to make out these dim traces to his own +satisfaction. I was mistaken, however. Having ended his scrutiny, +he quietly remarked, - 'I perceive the backs of young ladies' +drawings, like the postscripts of their letters, are the most +important and interesting part of the concern.' + +Then, leaning back in his chair, he reflected a few minutes in +silence, complacently smiling to himself, and while I was +concocting some cutting speech wherewith to check his +gratification, he rose, and passing over to where Annabella Wilmot +sat vehemently coquetting with Lord Lowborough, seated himself on +the sofa beside her, and attached himself to her for the rest of +the evening. + +'So then,' thought I, 'he despises me, because he knows I love +him.' + +And the reflection made me so miserable I knew not what to do. +Milicent came and began to admire my drawings, and make remarks +upon them; but I could not talk to her - I could talk to no one, +and, upon the introduction of tea, I took advantage of the open +door and the slight diversion caused by its entrance to slip out - +for I was sure I could not take any - and take refuge in the +library. My aunt sent Thomas in quest of me, to ask if I were not +coming to tea; but I bade him say I should not take any to-night, +and, happily, she was too much occupied with her guests to make any +further inquiries at the time. + +As most of the company had travelled far that day, they retired +early to rest; and having heard them all, as I thought, go up- +stairs, I ventured out, to get my candlestick from the drawing-room +sideboard. But Mr. Huntingdon had lingered behind the rest. He +was just at the foot of the stairs when I opened the door, and +hearing my step in the hall - though I could hardly hear it myself +- he instantly turned back. + +'Helen, is that you?' said he. 'Why did you run away from us?' + +'Good-night, Mr. Huntingdon,' said I, coldly, not choosing to +answer the question. And I turned away to enter the drawing-room. + +'But you'll shake hands, won't you?' said he, placing himself in +the doorway before me. And he seized my hand and held it, much +against my will. + +'Let me go, Mr. Huntingdon,' said I. 'I want to get a candle.' + +'The candle will keep,' returned he. + +I made a desperate effort to free my hand from his grasp. + +'Why are you in such a hurry to leave me, Helen?' he said, with a +smile of the most provoking self-sufficiency. 'You don't hate me, +you know.' + +'Yes, I do - at this moment.' + +'Not you. It is Annabella Wilmot you hate, not me.' + +'I have nothing to do with Annabella Wilmot,' said I, burning with +indignation. + +'But I have, you know,' returned he, with peculiar emphasis. + +'That is nothing to me, sir,' I retorted. + +'Is it nothing to you, Helen? Will you swear it? Will you?' + +'No I won't, Mr. Huntingdon! and I will go,' cried I, not knowing +whether to laugh, or to cry, or to break out into a tempest of +fury. + +'Go, then, you vixen!' he said; but the instant he released my hand +he had the audacity to put his arm round my neck, and kiss me. + +Trembling with anger and agitation, and I don't know what besides, +I broke away, and got my candle, and rushed up-stairs to my room. +He would not have done so but for that hateful picture. And there +he had it still in his possession, an eternal monument to his pride +and my humiliation. + +It was but little sleep I got that night, and in the morning I rose +perplexed and troubled with the thoughts of meeting him at +breakfast. I knew not how it was to be done. An assumption of +dignified, cold indifference would hardly do, after what he knew of +my devotion - to his face, at least. Yet something must be done to +check his presumption - I would not submit to be tyrannised over by +those bright, laughing eyes. And, accordingly, I received his +cheerful morning salutation as calmly and coldly as my aunt could +have wished, and defeated with brief answers his one or two +attempts to draw me into conversation, while I comported myself +with unusual cheerfulness and complaisance towards every other +member of the party, especially Annabella Wilmot, and even her +uncle and Mr. Boarham were treated with an extra amount of civility +on the occasion, not from any motives of coquetry, but just to show +him that my particular coolness and reserve arose from no general +ill-humour or depression of spirits. + +He was not, however, to be repelled by such acting as this. He did +not talk much to me, but when he did speak it was with a degree of +freedom and openness, and kindliness too, that plainly seemed to +intimate he knew his words were music to my ears; and when his +looks met mine it was with a smile - presumptuous, it might be - +but oh! so sweet, so bright, so genial, that I could not possibly +retain my anger; every vestige of displeasure soon melted away +beneath it like morning clouds before the summer sun. + +Soon after breakfast all the gentlemen save one, with boyish +eagerness, set out on their expedition against the hapless +partridges; my uncle and Mr. Wilmot on their shooting ponies, Mr. +Huntingdon and Lord Lowborough on their legs: the one exception +being Mr. Boarham, who, in consideration of the rain that had +fallen during the night, thought it prudent to remain behind a +little and join them in a while when the sun had dried the grass. +And he favoured us all with a long and minute disquisition upon the +evils and dangers attendant upon damp feet, delivered with the most +imperturbable gravity, amid the jeers and laughter of Mr. +Huntingdon and my uncle, who, leaving the prudent sportsman to +entertain the ladies with his medical discussions, sallied forth +with their guns, bending their steps to the stables first, to have +a look at the horses and let out the dogs. + +Not desirous of sharing Mr. Boarham's company for the whole of the +morning, I betook myself to the library, and there brought forth my +easel and began to paint. The easel and the painting apparatus +would serve as an excuse for abandoning the drawing-room if my aunt +should come to complain of the desertion, and besides I wanted to +finish the picture. It was one I had taken great pains with, and I +intended it to be my masterpiece, though it was somewhat +presumptuous in the design. By the bright azure of the sky, and by +the warm and brilliant lights and deep long shadows, I had +endeavoured to convey the idea of a sunny morning. I had ventured +to give more of the bright verdure of spring or early summer to the +grass and foliage than is commonly attempted in painting. The +scene represented was an open glade in a wood. A group of dark +Scotch firs was introduced in the middle distance to relieve the +prevailing freshness of the rest; but in the foreground was part of +the gnarled trunk and of the spreading boughs of a large forest- +tree, whose foliage was of a brilliant golden green - not golden +from autumnal mellowness, but from the sunshine and the very +immaturity of the scarce expanded leaves. Upon this bough, that +stood out in bold relief against the sombre firs, were seated an +amorous pair of turtle doves, whose soft sad-coloured plumage +afforded a contrast of another nature; and beneath it a young girl +was kneeling on the daisy-spangled turf, with head thrown back and +masses of fair hair falling on her shoulders, her hands clasped, +lips parted, and eyes intently gazing upward in pleased yet earnest +contemplation of those feathered lovers - too deeply absorbed in +each other to notice her. + +I had scarcely settled to my work, which, however, wanted but a few +touches to the finishing, when the sportsmen passed the window on +their return from the stables. It was partly open, and Mr. +Huntingdon must have seen me as he went by, for in half a minute he +came back, and setting his gun against the wall, threw up the sash +and sprang in, and set himself before my picture. + +'Very pretty, i'faith,' said he, after attentively regarding it for +a few seconds; 'and a very fitting study for a young lady. Spring +just opening into summer - morning just approaching noon - girlhood +just ripening into womanhood, and hope just verging on fruition. +She's a sweet creature! but why didn't you make her black hair?' + +'I thought light hair would suit her better. You see I have made +her blue-eyed and plump, and fair and rosy.' + +'Upon my word - a very Hebe! I should fall in love with her if I +hadn't the artist before me. Sweet innocent! she's thinking there +will come a time when she will be wooed and won like that pretty +hen-dove by as fond and fervent a lover; and she's thinking how +pleasant it will be, and how tender and faithful he will find her.' + +'And perhaps,' suggested I, 'how tender and faithful she shall find +him.' + +'Perhaps, for there is no limit to the wild extravagance of Hope's +imaginings at such an age.' + +'Do you call that, then, one of her wild, extravagant delusions?' + +'No; my heart tells me it is not. I might have thought so once, +but now, I say, give me the girl I love, and I will swear eternal +constancy to her and her alone, through summer and winter, through +youth and age, and life and death! if age and death must come.' + +He spoke this in such serious earnest that my heart bounded with +delight; but the minute after he changed his tone, and asked, with +a significant smile, if I had 'any more portraits.' + +'No,' replied I, reddening with confusion and wrath. + +But my portfolio was on the table: he took it up, and coolly sat +down to examine its contents. + +'Mr. Huntingdon, those are my unfinished sketches,' cried I, 'and I +never let any one see them.' + +And I placed my hand on the portfolio to wrest it from him, but he +maintained his hold, assuring me that he 'liked unfinished sketches +of all things.' + +'But I hate them to be seen,' returned I. 'I can't let you have +it, indeed!' + +'Let me have its bowels then,' said he; and just as I wrenched the +portfolio from his hand, he deftly abstracted the greater part of +its contents, and after turning them over a moment he cried out, - +'Bless my stars, here's another;' and slipped a small oval of ivory +paper into his waistcoat pocket - a complete miniature portrait +that I had sketched with such tolerable success as to be induced to +colour it with great pains and care. But I was determined he +should not keep it. + +'Mr. Huntingdon,' cried I, 'I insist upon having that back! It is +mine, and you have no right to take it. Give it me directly - I'll +never forgive you if you don't!' + +But the more vehemently I insisted, the more he aggravated my +distress by his insulting, gleeful laugh. At length, however, he +restored it to me, saying, - 'Well, well, since you value it so +much, I'll not deprive you of it.' + +To show him how I valued it, I tore it in two and threw it into the +fire. He was not prepared for this. His merriment suddenly +ceasing, he stared in mute amazement at the consuming treasure; and +then, with a careless 'Humph! I'll go and shoot now,' he turned on +his heel and vacated the apartment by the window as he came, and +setting on his hat with an air, took up his gun and walked away, +whistling as he went - and leaving me not too much agitated to +finish my picture, for I was glad, at the moment, that I had vexed +him. + +When I returned to the drawing-room, I found Mr. Boarham had +ventured to follow his comrades to the field; and shortly after +lunch, to which they did not think of returning, I volunteered to +accompany the ladies in a walk, and show Annabella and Milicent the +beauties of the country. We took a long ramble, and re-entered the +park just as the sportsmen were returning from their expedition. +Toil-spent and travel-stained, the main body of them crossed over +the grass to avoid us, but Mr. Huntingdon, all spattered and +splashed as he was, and stained with the blood of his prey - to the +no small offence of my aunt's strict sense of propriety - came out +of his way to meet us, with cheerful smiles and words for all but +me, and placing himself between Annabella Wilmot and myself, walked +up the road and began to relate the various exploits and disasters +of the day, in a manner that would have convulsed me with laughter +if I had been on good terms with him; but he addressed himself +entirely to Annabella, and I, of course, left all the laughter and +all the badinage to her, and affecting the utmost indifference to +whatever passed between them, walked along a few paces apart, and +looking every way but theirs, while my aunt and Milicent went +before, linked arm in arm and gravely discoursing together. At +length Mr. Huntingdon turned to me, and addressing me in a +confidential whisper, said, - 'Helen, why did you burn my picture?' + +'Because I wished to destroy it,' I answered, with an asperity it +is useless now to lament. + +'Oh, very good!' was the reply; 'if you don't value me, I must turn +to somebody that will.' + +I thought it was partly in jest - a half-playful mixture of mock +resignation and pretended indifference: but immediately he resumed +his place beside Miss Wilmot, and from that hour to this - during +all that evening, and all the next day, and the next, and the next, +and all this morning (the 22nd), he has never given me one kind +word or one pleasant look - never spoken to me, but from pure +necessity - never glanced towards me but with a cold, unfriendly +look I thought him quite incapable of assuming. + +My aunt observes the change, and though she has not inquired the +cause or made any remark to me on the subject, I see it gives her +pleasure. Miss Wilmot observes it, too, and triumphantly ascribes +it to her own superior charms and blandishments; but I am truly +miserable - more so than I like to acknowledge to myself. Pride +refuses to aid me. It has brought me into the scrape, and will not +help me out of it. + +He meant no harm - it was only his joyous, playful spirit; and I, +by my acrimonious resentment - so serious, so disproportioned to +the offence - have so wounded his feelings, so deeply offended him, +that I fear he will never forgive me - and all for a mere jest! He +thinks I dislike him, and he must continue to think so. I must +lose him for ever, and Annabella may win him, and triumph as she +will. + +But it is not my loss nor her triumph that I deplore so greatly as +the wreck of my fond hopes for his advantage, and her unworthiness +of his affection, and the injury he will do himself by trusting his +happiness to her. She does not love him: she thinks only of +herself. She cannot appreciate the good that is in him: she will +neither see it, nor value it, nor cherish it. She will neither +deplore his faults nor attempt their amendment, but rather +aggravate them by her own. And I doubt whether she will not +deceive him after all. I see she is playing double between him and +Lord Lowborough, and while she amuses herself with the lively +Huntingdon, she tries her utmost to enslave his moody friend; and +should she succeed in bringing both to her feet, the fascinating +commoner will have but little chance against the lordly peer. If +he observes her artful by-play, it gives him no uneasiness, but +rather adds new zest to his diversion by opposing a stimulating +check to his otherwise too easy conquest. + +Messrs. Wilmot and Boarham have severally taken occasion by his +neglect of me to renew their advances; and if I were like Annabella +and some others I should take advantage of their perseverance to +endeavour to pique him into a revival of affection; but, justice +and honesty apart, I could not bear to do it. I am annoyed enough +by their present persecutions without encouraging them further; and +even if I did it would have precious little effect upon him. He +sees me suffering under the condescending attentions and prosaic +discourses of the one, and the repulsive obtrusions of the other, +without so much as a shadow of commiseration for me, or resentment +against my tormentors. He never could have loved me, or he would +not have resigned me so willingly, and he would not go on talking +to everybody else so cheerfully as he does - laughing and jesting +with Lord Lowborough and my uncle, teasing Milicent Hargrave, and +flirting with Annabella Wilmot - as if nothing were on his mind. +Oh! why can't I hate him? I must be infatuated, or I should scorn +to regret him as I do. But I must rally all the powers I have +remaining, and try to tear him from my heart. There goes the +dinner-bell, and here comes my aunt to scold me for sitting here at +my desk all day, instead of staying with the company: wish the +company were - gone. + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + + +Twenty Second: Night. - What have I done? and what will be the end +of it? I cannot calmly reflect upon it; I cannot sleep. I must +have recourse to my diary again; I will commit it to paper to- +night, and see what I shall think of it to-morrow. + +I went down to dinner resolving to be cheerful and well-conducted, +and kept my resolution very creditably, considering how my head +ached and how internally wretched I felt. I don't know what is +come over me of late; my very energies, both mental and physical, +must be strangely impaired, or I should not have acted so weakly in +many respects as I have done; but I have not been well this last +day or two. I suppose it is with sleeping and eating so little, +and thinking so much, and being so continually out of humour. But +to return. I was exerting myself to sing and play for the +amusement, and at the request, of my aunt and Milicent, before the +gentlemen came into the drawing-room (Miss Wilmot never likes to +waste her musical efforts on ladies' ears alone). Milicent had +asked for a little Scotch song, and I was just in the middle of it +when they entered. The first thing Mr. Huntingdon did was to walk +up to Annabella. + +'Now, Miss Wilmot, won't you give us some music to-night?' said he. +'Do now! I know you will, when I tell you that I have been +hungering and thirsting all day for the sound of your voice. Come! +the piano's vacant.' + +It was, for I had quitted it immediately upon hearing his petition. +Had I been endowed with a proper degree of self-possession, I +should have turned to the lady myself, and cheerfully joined my +entreaties to his, whereby I should have disappointed his +expectations, if the affront had been purposely given, or made him +sensible of the wrong, if it had only arisen from thoughtlessness; +but I felt it too deeply to do anything but rise from the music- +stool, and throw myself back on the sofa, suppressing with +difficulty the audible expression of the bitterness I felt within. +I knew Annabella's musical talents were superior to mine, but that +was no reason why I should be treated as a perfect nonentity. The +time and the manner of his asking her appeared like a gratuitous +insult to me; and I could have wept with pure vexation. + +Meantime, she exultingly seated herself at the piano, and favoured +him with two of his favourite songs, in such superior style that +even I soon lost my anger in admiration, and listened with a sort +of gloomy pleasure to the skilful modulations of her full-toned and +powerful voice, so judiciously aided by her rounded and spirited +touch; and while my ears drank in the sound, my eyes rested on the +face of her principal auditor, and derived an equal or superior +delight from the contemplation of his speaking countenance, as he +stood beside her - that eye and brow lighted up with keen +enthusiasm, and that sweet smile passing and appearing like gleams +of sunshine on an April day. No wonder he should hunger and thirst +to hear her sing. I now forgave him from my heart his reckless +slight of me, and I felt ashamed at my pettish resentment of such a +trifle - ashamed too of those bitter envious pangs that gnawed my +inmost heart, in spite of all this admiration and delight. + +'There now,' said she, playfully running her fingers over the keys +when she had concluded the second song. 'What shall I give you +next?' + +But in saying this she looked back at Lord Lowborough, who was +standing a little behind, leaning against the back of a chair, an +attentive listener, too, experiencing, to judge by his countenance, +much the same feelings of mingled pleasure and sadness as I did. +But the look she gave him plainly said, 'Do you choose for me now: +I have done enough for him, and will gladly exert myself to gratify +you;' and thus encouraged, his lordship came forward, and turning +over the music, presently set before her a little song that I had +noticed before, and read more than once, with an interest arising +from the circumstance of my connecting it in my mind with the +reigning tyrant of my thoughts. And now, with my nerves already +excited and half unstrung, I could not hear those words so sweetly +warbled forth without some symptoms of emotion I was not able to +suppress. Tears rose unbidden to my eyes, and I buried my face in +the sofa-pillow that they might flow unseen while I listened. The +air was simple, sweet, and sad. It is still running in my head, +and so are the words:- + + +Farewell to thee! but not farewell +To all my fondest thoughts of thee: +Within my heart they still shall dwell; +And they shall cheer and comfort me. + +O beautiful, and full of grace! +If thou hadst never met mine eye, +I had not dreamed a living face +Could fancied charms so far outvie. + +If I may ne'er behold again +That form and face so dear to me, +Nor hear thy voice, still would I fain +Preserve, for aye, their memory. + +That voice, the magic of whose tone +Can wake an echo in my breast, +Creating feelings that, alone, +Can make my tranced spirit blest. + +That laughing eye, whose sunny beam +My memory would not cherish less; - +And oh, that smile! I whose joyous gleam +No mortal languish can express. + +Adieu! but let me cherish, still, +The hope with which I cannot part. +Contempt may wound, and coldness chill, +But still it lingers in my heart. + +And who can tell but Heaven, at last, +May answer all my thousand prayers, +And bid the future pay the past +With joy for anguish, smiles for tears. + + +When it ceased, I longed for nothing so much as to be out of the +room. The sofa was not far from the door, but I did not dare to +raise my head, for I knew Mr. Huntingdon was standing near me, and +I knew by the sound of his voice, as he spoke in answer to some +remark of Lord Lowborough's, that his face was turned towards me. +Perhaps a half-suppressed sob had caught his ear, and caused him to +look round - heaven forbid! But with a violent effort, I checked +all further signs of weakness, dried my tears, and, when I thought +he had turned away again, rose, and instantly left the apartment, +taking refuge in my favourite resort, the library. + +There was no light there but the faint red glow of the neglected +fire; - but I did not want a light; I only wanted to indulge my +thoughts, unnoticed and undisturbed; and sitting down on a low +stool before the easy-chair, I sunk my head upon its cushioned +seat, and thought, and thought, until the tears gushed out again, +and I wept like any child. Presently, however, the door was gently +opened and someone entered the room. I trusted it was only a +servant, and did not stir. The door was closed again - but I was +not alone; a hand gently touched my shoulder, and a voice said, +softly, - 'Helen, what is the matter?' + +I could not answer at the moment. + +'You must, and shall tell me,' was added, more vehemently, and the +speaker threw himself on his knees beside me on the rug, and +forcibly possessed himself of my hand; but I hastily caught it +away, and replied, - 'It is nothing to you, Mr. Huntingdon.' + +'Are you sure it is nothing to me?' he returned; 'can you swear +that you were not thinking of me while you wept?' This was +unendurable. I made an effort to rise, but he was kneeling on my +dress. + +'Tell me,' continued he - 'I want to know, - because if you were, I +have something to say to you, - and if not, I'll go.' + +'Go then!' I cried; but, fearing he would obey too well, and never +come again, I hastily added - 'Or say what you have to say, and +have done with it!' + +'But which?' said he - 'for I shall only say it if you really were +thinking of me. So tell me, Helen.' + +'You're excessively impertinent, Mr. Huntingdon!' + +'Not at all - too pertinent, you mean. So you won't tell me? - +Well, I'll spare your woman's pride, and, construing your silence +into "Yes," I'll take it for granted that I was the subject of your +thoughts, and the cause of your affliction - ' + +'Indeed, sir - ' + +'If you deny it, I won't tell you my secret,' threatened he; and I +did not interrupt him again, or even attempt to repulse him: +though he had taken my hand once more, and half embraced me with +his other arm, I was scarcely conscious of it at the time. + +'It is this,' resumed he: 'that Annabella Wilmot, in comparison +with you, is like a flaunting peony compared with a sweet, wild +rosebud gemmed with dew - and I love you to distraction! - Now, +tell me if that intelligence gives you any pleasure. Silence +again? That means yes. Then let me add, that I cannot live +without you, and if you answer No to this last question, you will +drive me mad. - Will you bestow yourself upon me? - you will!' he +cried, nearly squeezing me to death in his arms. + +'No, no!' I exclaimed, struggling to free myself from him - 'you +must ask my uncle and aunt.' + +'They won't refuse me, if you don't.' + +'I'm not so sure of that - my aunt dislikes you.' + +'But you don't, Helen - say you love me, and I'll go.' + +'I wish you would go!' I replied. + +'I will, this instant, - if you'll only say you love me.' + +'You know I do,' I answered. And again he caught me in his arms, +and smothered me with kisses. + +At that moment my aunt opened wide the door, and stood before us, +candle in hand, in shocked and horrified amazement, gazing +alternately at Mr. Huntingdon and me - for we had both started up, +and now stood wide enough asunder. But his confusion was only for +a moment. Rallying in an instant, with the most enviable +assurance, he began, - 'I beg ten thousand pardons, Mrs. Maxwell! +Don't be too severe upon me. I've been asking your sweet niece to +take me for better, for worse; and she, like a good girl, informs +me she cannot think of it without her uncle's and aunt's consent. +So let me implore you not to condemn me to eternal wretchedness: +if you favour my cause, I am safe; for Mr. Maxwell, I am certain, +can refuse you nothing.' + +'We will talk of this to-morrow, sir,' said my aunt, coldly. 'It +is a subject that demands mature and serious deliberation. At +present, you had better return to the drawing-room.' + +'But meantime,' pleaded he, 'let me commend my cause to your most +indulgent - ' + +'No indulgence for you, Mr. Huntingdon, must come between me and +the consideration of my niece's happiness.' + +'Ah, true! I know she is an angel, and I am a presumptuous dog to +dream of possessing such a treasure; but, nevertheless, I would +sooner die than relinquish her in favour of the best man that ever +went to heaven - and as for her happiness, I would sacrifice my +body and soul - ' + +'Body and soul, Mr. Huntingdon - sacrifice your soul?' + +'Well, I would lay down life - ' + +'You would not be required to lay it down.' + +'I would spend it, then - devote my life - and all its powers to +the promotion and preservation - ' + +'Another time, sir, we will talk of this - and I should have felt +disposed to judge more favourably of your pretensions, if you too +had chosen another time and place, and let me add - another manner +for your declaration.' + +'Why, you see, Mrs. Maxwell,' he began - + +'Pardon me, sir,' said she, with dignity - 'The company are +inquiring for you in the other room.' And she turned to me. + +'Then you must plead for me, Helen,' said he, and at length +withdrew. + +'You had better retire to your room, Helen,' said my aunt, gravely. +'I will discuss this matter with you, too, to-morrow.' + +'Don't be angry, aunt,' said I. + +'My dear, I am not angry,' she replied: 'I am surprised. If it is +true that you told him you could not accept his offer without our +consent - ' + +'It is true,' interrupted I. + +'Then how could you permit -?' + +'I couldn't help it, aunt,' I cried, bursting into tears. They +were not altogether the tears of sorrow, or of fear for her +displeasure, but rather the outbreak of the general tumultuous +excitement of my feelings. But my good aunt was touched at my +agitation. In a softer tone, she repeated her recommendation to +retire, and, gently kissing my forehead, bade me good-night, and +put her candle in my hand; and I went; but my brain worked so, I +could not think of sleeping. I feel calmer now that I have written +all this; and I will go to bed, and try to win tired nature's sweet +restorer. + + + +CHAPTER XX + + + +September 24th. - In the morning I rose, light and cheerful - nay, +intensely happy. The hovering cloud cast over me by my aunt's +views, and by the fear of not obtaining her consent, was lost in +the bright effulgence of my own hopes, and the too delightful +consciousness of requited love. It was a splendid morning; and I +went out to enjoy it, in a quiet ramble, in company with my own +blissful thoughts. The dew was on the grass, and ten thousand +gossamers were waving in the breeze; the happy red-breast was +pouring out its little soul in song, and my heart overflowed with +silent hymns of gratitude and praise to heaven. + +But I had not wandered far before my solitude was interrupted by +the only person that could have disturbed my musings, at that +moment, without being looked upon as an unwelcome intruder: Mr. +Huntingdon came suddenly upon me. So unexpected was the +apparition, that I might have thought it the creation of an over- +excited imagination, had the sense of sight alone borne witness to +his presence; but immediately I felt his strong arm round my waist +and his warm kiss on my cheek, while his keen and gleeful +salutation, 'My own Helen!' was ringing in my ear. + +'Not yours yet!' said I, hastily swerving aside from this too +presumptuous greeting. 'Remember my guardians. You will not +easily obtain my aunt's consent. Don't you see she is prejudiced +against you?' + +'I do, dearest; and you must tell me why, that I may best know how +to combat her objections. I suppose she thinks I am a prodigal,' +pursued he, observing that I was unwilling to reply, 'and concludes +that I shall have but little worldly goods wherewith to endow my +better half? If so, you must tell her that my property is mostly +entailed, and I cannot get rid of it. There may be a few mortgages +on the rest - a few trifling debts and incumbrances here and there, +but nothing to speak of; and though I acknowledge I am not so rich +as I might be - or have been - still, I think, we could manage +pretty comfortably on what's left. My father, you know, was +something of a miser, and in his latter days especially saw no +pleasure in life but to amass riches; and so it is no wonder that +his son should make it his chief delight to spend them, which was +accordingly the case, until my acquaintance with you, dear Helen, +taught me other views and nobler aims. And the very idea of having +you to care for under my roof would force me to moderate my +expenses and live like a Christian - not to speak of all the +prudence and virtue you would instil into my mind by your wise +counsels and sweet, attractive goodness.' + +'But it is not that,' said I; 'it is not money my aunt thinks +about. She knows better than to value worldly wealth above its +price.' + +'What is it, then?' + +'She wishes me to - to marry none but a really good man.' + +'What, a man of "decided piety"? - ahem! - Well, come, I'll manage +that too! It's Sunday to-day, isn't it? I'll go to church +morning, afternoon, and evening, and comport myself in such a godly +sort that she shall regard me with admiration and sisterly love, as +a brand plucked from the burning. I'll come home sighing like a +furnace, and full of the savour and unction of dear Mr. Blatant's +discourse - ' + +'Mr. Leighton,' said I, dryly. + +'Is Mr. Leighton a "sweet preacher," Helen - a "dear, delightful, +heavenly-minded man"?' + +'He is a good man, Mr. Huntingdon. I wish I could say half as much +for you.' + +'Oh, I forgot, you are a saint, too. I crave your pardon, dearest +- but don't call me Mr. Huntingdon; my name is Arthur.' + +'I'll call you nothing - for I'll have nothing at all to do with +you if you talk in that way any more. If you really mean to +deceive my aunt as you say, you are very wicked; and if not, you +are very wrong to jest on such a subject.' + +'I stand corrected,' said he, concluding his laugh with a sorrowful +sigh. 'Now,' resumed he, after a momentary pause, 'let us talk +about something else. And come nearer to me, Helen, and take my +arm; and then I'll let you alone. I can't be quiet while I see you +walking there.' + +I complied; but said we must soon return to the house. + +'No one will be down to breakfast yet, for long enough,' he +answered. 'You spoke of your guardians just now, Helen, but is not +your father still living?' + +'Yes, but I always look upon my uncle and aunt as my guardians, for +they are so in deed, though not in name. My father has entirely +given me up to their care. I have never seen him since dear mamma +died, when I was a very little girl, and my aunt, at her request, +offered to take charge of me, and took me away to Staningley, where +I have remained ever since; and I don't think he would object to +anything for me that she thought proper to sanction.' + +'But would he sanction anything to which she thought proper to +object?' + +'No, I don't think he cares enough about me.' + +'He is very much to blame - but he doesn't know what an angel he +has for his daughter - which is all the better for me, as, if he +did, he would not be willing to part with such a treasure.' + +'And Mr. Huntingdon,' said I, 'I suppose you know I am not an +heiress?' + +He protested he had never given it a thought, and begged I would +not disturb his present enjoyment by the mention of such +uninteresting subjects. I was glad of this proof of disinterested +affection; for Annabella Wilmot is the probable heiress to all her +uncle's wealth, in addition to her late father's property, which +she has already in possession. + +I now insisted upon retracing our steps to the house; but we walked +slowly, and went on talking as we proceeded. I need not repeat all +we said: let me rather refer to what passed between my aunt and +me, after breakfast, when Mr. Huntingdon called my uncle aside, no +doubt to make his proposals, and she beckoned me into another room, +where she once more commenced a solemn remonstrance, which, +however, entirely failed to convince me that her view of the case +was preferable to my own. + +'You judge him uncharitably, aunt, I know,' said I. 'His very +friends are not half so bad as you represent them. There is Walter +Hargrave, Milicent's brother, for one: he is but a little lower +than the angels, if half she says of him is true. She is +continually talking to me about him, and lauding his many virtues +to the skies.' + +'You will form a very inadequate estimate of a man's character,' +replied she, 'if you judge by what a fond sister says of him. The +worst of them generally know how to hide their misdeeds from their +sisters' eyes, and their mother's, too.' + +'And there is Lord Lowborough,' continued I, 'quite a decent man.' + +'Who told you so? Lord Lowborough is a desperate man. He has +dissipated his fortune in gambling and other things, and is now +seeking an heiress to retrieve it. I told Miss Wilmot so; but +you're all alike: she haughtily answered she was very much obliged +to me, but she believed she knew when a man was seeking her for her +fortune, and when for herself; she flattered herself she had had +experience enough in those matters to be justified in trusting to +her own judgment - and as for his lordship's lack of fortune, she +cared nothing about that, as she hoped her own would suffice for +both; and as for his wildness, she supposed he was no worse than +others - besides, he was reformed now. Yes, they can all play the +hypocrite when they want to take in a fond, misguided woman!' + +'Well, I think he's about as good as she is,' said I. 'But when +Mr. Huntingdon is married, he won't have many opportunities of +consorting with his bachelor friends; - and the worse they are, the +more I long to deliver him from them.' + +'To be sure, my dear; and the worse he is, I suppose, the more you +long to deliver him from himself.' + +'Yes, provided he is not incorrigible - that is, the more I long to +deliver him from his faults - to give him an opportunity of shaking +off the adventitious evil got from contact with others worse than +himself, and shining out in the unclouded light of his own genuine +goodness - to do my utmost to help his better self against his +worse, and make him what he would have been if he had not, from the +beginning, had a bad, selfish, miserly father, who, to gratify his +own sordid passions, restricted him in the most innocent enjoyments +of childhood and youth, and so disgusted him with every kind of +restraint; - and a foolish mother who indulged him to the top of +his bent, deceiving her husband for him, and doing her utmost to +encourage those germs of folly and vice it was her duty to +suppress, - and then, such a set of companions as you represent his +friends to be - ' + +'Poor man!' said she, sarcastically, 'his kind have greatly wronged +him!' + +'They have!' cried I - 'and they shall wrong him no more - his wife +shall undo what his mother did!' + +'Well,' said she, after a short pause, 'I must say, Helen, I +thought better of your judgment than this - and your taste too. +How you can love such a man I cannot tell, or what pleasure you can +find in his company; for "what fellowship hath light with darkness; +or he that believeth with an infidel?"' + +'He is not an infidel; - and I am not light, and he is not +darkness; his worst and only vice is thoughtlessness.' + +'And thoughtlessness,' pursued my aunt, 'may lead to every crime, +and will but poorly excuse our errors in the sight of God. Mr. +Huntingdon, I suppose, is not without the common faculties of men: +he is not so light-headed as to be irresponsible: his Maker has +endowed him with reason and conscience as well as the rest of us; +the Scriptures are open to him as well as to others; - and "if he +hear not them, neither will he hear though one rose from the dead." +And remember, Helen,' continued she, solemnly, '"the wicked shall +be turned into hell, and they that forget God!"' And suppose, +even, that he should continue to love you, and you him, and that +you should pass through life together with tolerable comfort - how +will it be in the end, when you see yourselves parted for ever; +you, perhaps, taken into eternal bliss, and he cast into the lake +that burneth with unquenchable fire - there for ever to - ' + +'Not for ever,' I exclaimed, '"only till he has paid the uttermost +farthing;" for "if any man's work abide not the fire, he shall +suffer loss, yet himself shall be saved, but so as by fire;" and He +that "is able to subdue all things to Himself will have all men to +be saved," and "will, in the fulness of time, gather together in +one all things in Christ Jesus, who tasted death for every man, and +in whom God will reconcile all things to Himself, whether they be +things in earth or things in heaven."' + +'Oh, Helen! where did you learn all this?' + +'In the Bible, aunt. I have searched it through, and found nearly +thirty passages, all tending to support the same theory.' + +'And is that the use you make of your Bible? And did you find no +passages tending to prove the danger and the falsity of such a +belief?' + +'No: I found, indeed, some passages that, taken by themselves, +might seem to contradict that opinion; but they will all bear a +different construction to that which is commonly given, and in most +the only difficulty is in the word which we translate "everlasting" +or "eternal." I don't know the Greek, but I believe it strictly +means for ages, and might signify either endless or long-enduring. +And as for the danger of the belief, I would not publish it abroad +if I thought any poor wretch would be likely to presume upon it to +his own destruction, but it is a glorious thought to cherish in +one's own heart, and I would not part with it for all the world can +give!' + +Here our conference ended, for it was now high time to prepare for +church. Every one attended the morning service, except my uncle, +who hardly ever goes, and Mr. Wilmot, who stayed at home with him +to enjoy a quiet game of cribbage. In the afternoon Miss Wilmot +and Lord Lowborough likewise excused themselves from attending; but +Mr. Huntingdon vouchsafed to accompany us again. Whether it was to +ingratiate himself with my aunt I cannot tell, but, if so, he +certainly should have behaved better. I must confess, I did not +like his conduct during service at all. Holding his prayer-book +upside down, or open at any place but the right, he did nothing but +stare about him, unless he happened to catch my aunt's eye or mine, +and then he would drop his own on his book, with a puritanical air +of mock solemnity that would have been ludicrous, if it had not +been too provoking. Once, during the sermon, after attentively +regarding Mr. Leighton for a few minutes, he suddenly produced his +gold pencil-case and snatched up a Bible. Perceiving that I +observed the movement, he whispered that he was going to make a +note of the sermon; but instead of that, as I sat next him, I could +not help seeing that he was making a caricature of the preacher, +giving to the respectable, pious, elderly gentleman, the air and +aspect of a most absurd old hypocrite. And yet, upon his return, +he talked to my aunt about the sermon with a degree of modest, +serious discrimination that tempted me to believe he had really +attended to and profited by the discourse. + +Just before dinner my uncle called me into the library for the +discussion of a very important matter, which was dismissed in few +words. + +'Now, Nell,' said he, 'this young Huntingdon has been asking for +you: what must I say about it? Your aunt would answer "no" - but +what say you?' + +'I say yes, uncle,' replied I, without a moment's hesitation; for I +had thoroughly made up my mind on the subject. + +'Very good!' cried he. 'Now that's a good honest answer - +wonderful for a girl! - Well, I'll write to your father to-morrow. +He's sure to give his consent; so you may look on the matter as +settled. You'd have done a deal better if you'd taken Wilmot, I +can tell you; but that you won't believe. At your time of life, +it's love that rules the roast: at mine, it's solid, serviceable +gold. I suppose now, you'd never dream of looking into the state +of your husband's finances, or troubling your head about +settlements, or anything of that sort?' + +'I don't think I should.' + +'Well, be thankful, then, that you've wiser heads to think for you. +I haven't had time, yet, to examine thoroughly into this young +rascal's affairs, but I see that a great part of his father's fine +property has been squandered away; - but still, I think, there's a +pretty fair share of it left, and a little careful nursing may make +a handsome thing of it yet; and then we must persuade your father +to give you a decent fortune, as he has only one besides yourself +to care for; - and, if you behave well, who knows but what I may be +induced to remember you in my will!' continued he, putting his +fingers to his nose, with a knowing wink. + +'Thanks, uncle, for that and all your kindness,' replied I. + +'Well, and I questioned this young spark on the matter of +settlements,' continued he; 'and he seemed disposed to be generous +enough on that point - ' + +'I knew he would!' said I. 'But pray don't trouble your head - or +his, or mine about that; for all I have will be his, and all he has +will be mine; and what more could either of us require?' And I was +about to make my exit, but he called me back. + +'Stop, stop!' cried he; 'we haven't mentioned the time yet. When +must it be? Your aunt would put it off till the Lord knows when, +but he is anxious to be bound as soon as may be: he won't hear of +waiting beyond next month; and you, I guess, will be of the same +mind, so - ' + +'Not at all, uncle; on the contrary, I should like to wait till +after Christmas, at least.' + +'Oh! pooh, pooh! never tell me that tale - I know better,' cried +he; and he persisted in his incredulity. Nevertheless, it is quite +true. I am in no hurry at all. How can I be, when I think of the +momentous change that awaits me, and of all I have to leave? It is +happiness enough to know that we are to be united; and that he +really loves me, and I may love him as devotedly, and think of him +as often as I please. However, I insisted upon consulting my aunt +about the time of the wedding, for I determined her counsels should +not be utterly disregarded; and no conclusions on that particular +are come to yet. + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + + +October 1st. - All is settled now. My father has given his +consent, and the time is fixed for Christmas, by a sort of +compromise between the respective advocates for hurry and delay. +Milicent Hargrave is to be one bridesmaid and Annabella Wilmot the +other - not that I am particularly fond of the latter, but she is +an intimate of the family, and I have not another friend. + +When I told Milicent of my engagement, she rather provoked me by +her manner of talking it. After staring a moment in mute surprise, +she said, - 'Well, Helen, I suppose I ought to congratulate you - +and I am glad to see you so happy; but I did not think you would +take him; and I can't help feeling surprised that you should like +him so much.' + +'Why so?' + +'Because you are so superior to him in every way, and there's +something so bold and reckless about him - so, I don't know how - +but I always feel a wish to get out of his way when I see him +approach.' + +'You are timid, Milicent; but that's no fault of his.' + +'And then his look,' continued she. 'People say he's handsome, and +of course he is; but I don't like that kind of beauty, and I wonder +that you should.' + +'Why so, pray?' + +'Well, you know, I think there's nothing noble or lofty in his +appearance.' + +'In fact, you wonder that I can like any one so unlike the stilted +heroes of romance. Well, give me my flesh and blood lover, and +I'll leave all the Sir Herberts and Valentines to you - if you can +find them.' + +'I don't want them,' said she. 'I'll be satisfied with flesh and +blood too - only the spirit must shine through and predominate. +But don't you think Mr. Huntingdon's face is too red?' + +'No!' cried I, indignantly. 'It is not red at all. There is just +a pleasant glow, a healthy freshness in his complexion - the warm, +pinky tint of the whole harmonising with the deeper colour of the +cheeks, exactly as it ought to do. I hate a man to be red and +white, like a painted doll, or all sickly white, or smoky black, or +cadaverous yellow.' + +'Well, tastes differ - but I like pale or dark,' replied she. +'But, to tell you the truth, Helen, I had been deluding myself with +the hope that you would one day be my sister. I expected Walter +would be introduced to you next season; and I thought you would +like him, and was certain he would like you; and I flattered myself +I should thus have the felicity of seeing the two persons I like +best in the world - except mamma - united in one. He mayn't be +exactly what you would call handsome, but he's far more +distinguished-looking, and nicer and better than Mr. Huntingdon; - +and I'm sure you would say so, if you knew him.' + +'Impossible, Milicent! You think so, because you're his sister; +and, on that account, I'll forgive you; but nobody else should so +disparage Arthur Huntingdon to me with impunity.' + +Miss Wilmot expressed her feelings on the subject almost as openly. + +'And so, Helen,' said she, coming up to me with a smile of no +amiable import, 'you are to be Mrs. Huntingdon, I suppose?' + +'Yes,' replied I. 'Don't you envy me?' + +'Oh, dear, no!' she exclaimed. 'I shall probably be Lady +Lowborough some day, and then you know, dear, I shall be in a +capacity to inquire, "Don't you envy me?"' + +'Henceforth I shall envy no one,' returned I. + +'Indeed! Are you so happy then?' said she, thoughtfully; and +something very like a cloud of disappointment shadowed her face. +'And does he love you - I mean, does he idolise you as much as you +do him?' she added, fixing her eyes upon me with ill-disguised +anxiety for the reply. + +'I don't want to be idolised,' I answered; 'but I am well assured +that he loves me more than anybody else in the world - as I do +him.' + +'Exactly,' said she, with a nod. 'I wish - ' she paused. + +'What do you wish?' asked I, annoyed at the vindictive expression +of her countenance. + +'I wish,' returned, she, with a short laugh, 'that all the +attractive points and desirable qualifications of the two gentlemen +were united in one - that Lord Lowborough had Huntingdon's handsome +face and good temper, and all his wit, and mirth and charm, or else +that Huntingdon had Lowborough's pedigree, and title, and +delightful old family seat, and I had him; and you might have the +other and welcome.' + +'Thank you, dear Annabella: I am better satisfied with things as +they are, for my own part; and for you, I wish you were as well +content with your intended as I am with mine,' said I; and it was +true enough; for, though vexed at first at her unamiable spirit, +her frankness touched me, and the contrast between our situations +was such, that I could well afford to pity her and wish her well. + +Mr. Huntingdon's acquaintances appear to be no better pleased with +our approaching union than mine. This morning's post brought him +letters from several of his friends, during the perusal of which, +at the breakfast-table, he excited the attention of the company by +the singular variety of his grimaces. But he crushed them all into +his pocket, with a private laugh, and said nothing till the meal +was concluded. Then, while the company were hanging over the fire +or loitering through the room, previous to settling to their +various morning avocations, he came and leant over the back of my +chair, with his face in contact with my curls, and commencing with +a quiet little kiss, poured forth the following complaints into my +ear:- + +'Helen, you witch, do you know that you've entailed upon me the +curses of all my friends? I wrote to them the other day, to tell +them of my happy prospects, and now, instead of a bundle of +congratulations, I've got a pocketful of bitter execrations and +reproaches. There's not one kind wish for me, or one good word for +you, among them all. They say there'll be no more fun now, no more +merry days and glorious nights - and all my fault - I am the first +to break up the jovial band, and others, in pure despair, will +follow my example. I was the very life and prop of the community, +they do me the honour to say, and I have shamefully betrayed my +trust - ' + +'You may join them again, if you like,' said I, somewhat piqued at +the sorrowful tone of his discourse. 'I should be sorry to stand +between any man - or body of men, and so much happiness; and +perhaps I can manage to do without you, as well as your poor +deserted friends.' + +'Bless you, no,' murmured he. 'It's "all for love or the world +well lost," with me. Let them go to - where they belong, to speak +politely. But if you saw how they abuse me, Helen, you would love +me all the more for having ventured so much for your sake.' + +He pulled out his crumpled letters. I thought he was going to show +them to me, and told him I did not wish to see them. + +'I'm not going to show them to you, love,' said he. 'They're +hardly fit for a lady's eyes - the most part of them. But look +here. This is Grimsby's scrawl - only three lines, the sulky dog! +He doesn't say much, to be sure, but his very silence implies more +than all the others' words, and the less he says, the more he +thinks - and this is Hargrave's missive. He is particularly +grieved at me, because, forsooth he had fallen in love with you +from his sister's reports, and meant to have married you himself, +as soon as he had sown his wild oats.' + +'I'm vastly obliged to him,' observed I. + +'And so am I,' said he. 'And look at this. This is Hattersley's - +every page stuffed full of railing accusations, bitter curses, and +lamentable complaints, ending up with swearing that he'll get +married himself in revenge: he'll throw himself away on the first +old maid that chooses to set her cap at him, - as if I cared what +he did with himself.' + +'Well,' said I, 'if you do give up your intimacy with these men, I +don't think you will have much cause to regret the loss of their +society; for it's my belief they never did you much good.' + +'Maybe not; but we'd a merry time of it, too, though mingled with +sorrow and pain, as Lowborough knows to his cost - Ha, ha!' and +while he was laughing at the recollection of Lowborough's troubles, +my uncle came and slapped him on the shoulder. + +'Come, my lad!' said he. 'Are you too busy making love to my niece +to make war with the pheasants? - First of October, remember! Sun +shines out - rain ceased - even Boarham's not afraid to venture in +his waterproof boots; and Wilmot and I are going to beat you all. +I declare, we old 'uns are the keenest sportsmen of the lot!' + +'I'll show you what I can do to-day, however,' said my companion. +'I'll murder your birds by wholesale, just for keeping me away from +better company than either you or them.' + +And so saying he departed; and I saw no more of him till dinner. +It seemed a weary time; I wonder what I shall do without him. + +It is very true that the three elder gentlemen have proved +themselves much keener sportsmen than the two younger ones; for +both Lord Lowborough and Arthur Huntingdon have of late almost +daily neglected the shooting excursions to accompany us in our +various rides and rambles. But these merry times are fast drawing +to a close. In less than a fortnight the party break up, much to +my sorrow, for every day I enjoy it more and more - now that +Messrs. Boarham and Wilmot have ceased to tease me, and my aunt has +ceased to lecture me, and I have ceased to be jealous of Annabella +- and even to dislike her - and now that Mr. Huntingdon is become +my Arthur, and I may enjoy his society without restraint. What +shall I do without him, I repeat? + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + + +October 5th. - My cup of sweets is not unmingled: it is dashed +with a bitterness that I cannot hide from myself, disguise it as I +will. I may try to persuade myself that the sweetness overpowers +it; I may call it a pleasant aromatic flavour; but say what I will, +it is still there, and I cannot but taste it. I cannot shut my +eyes to Arthur's faults; and the more I love him the more they +trouble me. His very heart, that I trusted so, is, I fear, less +warm and generous than I thought it. At least, he gave me a +specimen of his character to-day that seemed to merit a harder name +than thoughtlessness. He and Lord Lowborough were accompanying +Annabella and me in a long, delightful ride; he was riding by my +side, as usual, and Annabella and Lord Lowborough were a little +before us, the latter bending towards his companion as if in tender +and confidential discourse. + +'Those two will get the start of us, Helen, if we don't look +sharp,' observed Huntingdon. 'They'll make a match of it, as sure +as can be. That Lowborough's fairly besotted. But he'll find +himself in a fix when he's got her, I doubt.' + +'And she'll find herself in a fix when she's got him,' said I, 'if +what I've heard of him is true.' + +'Not a bit of it. She knows what she's about; but he, poor fool, +deludes himself with the notion that she'll make him a good wife, +and because she has amused him with some rodomontade about +despising rank and wealth in matters of love and marriage, he +flatters himself that she's devotedly attached to him; that she +will not refuse him for his poverty, and does not court him for his +rank, but loves him for himself alone.' + +'But is not he courting her for her fortune?' + +'No, not he. That was the first attraction, certainly; but now he +has quite lost sight of it: it never enters his calculations, +except merely as an essential without which, for the lady's own +sake, he could not think of marrying her. No; he's fairly in love. +He thought he never could be again, but he's in for it once more. +He was to have been married before, some two or three years ago; +but he lost his bride by losing his fortune. He got into a bad way +among us in London: he had an unfortunate taste for gambling; and +surely the fellow was born under an unlucky star, for he always +lost thrice where he gained once. That's a mode of self-torment I +never was much addicted to. When I spend my money I like to enjoy +the full value of it: I see no fun in wasting it on thieves and +blacklegs; and as for gaining money, hitherto I have always had +sufficient; it's time enough to be clutching for more, I think, +when you begin to see the end of what you have. But I have +sometimes frequented the gaming-houses just to watch the on-goings +of those mad votaries of chance - a very interesting study, I +assure you, Helen, and sometimes very diverting: I've had many a +laugh at the boobies and bedlamites. Lowborough was quite +infatuated - not willingly, but of necessity, - he was always +resolving to give it up, and always breaking his resolutions. +Every venture was the 'just once more:' if he gained a little, he +hoped to gain a little more next time, and if he lost, it would not +do to leave off at that juncture; he must go on till he had +retrieved that last misfortune, at least: bad luck could not last +for ever; and every lucky hit was looked upon as the dawn of better +times, till experience proved the contrary. At length he grew +desperate, and we were daily on the look-out for a case of FELO-DE- +SE - no great matter, some of us whispered, as his existence had +ceased to be an acquisition to our club. At last, however, he came +to a check. He made a large stake, which he determined should be +the last, whether he lost or won. He had often so determined +before, to be sure, and as often broken his determination; and so +it was this time. He lost; and while his antagonist smilingly +swept away the stakes, he turned chalky white, drew back in +silence, and wiped his forehead. I was present at the time; and +while he stood with folded arms and eyes fixed on the ground, I +knew well enough what was passing in his mind. + +'"Is it to be the last, Lowborough?" said I, stepping up to him. + +'"The last but one," he answered, with a grim smile; and then, +rushing back to the table, he struck his hand upon it, and, raising +his voice high above all the confusion of jingling coins and +muttered oaths and curses in the room, he swore a deep and solemn +oath that, come what would, this trial should be the last, and +imprecated unspeakable curses on his head if ever he should shuffle +a card or rattle a dice-box again. He then doubled his former +stake, and challenged any one present to play against him. Grimsby +instantly presented himself. Lowborough glared fiercely at him, +for Grimsby was almost as celebrated for his luck as he was for his +ill-fortune. However, they fell to work. But Grimsby had much +skill and little scruple, and whether he took advantage of the +other's trembling, blinded eagerness to deal unfairly by him, I +cannot undertake to say; but Lowborough lost again, and fell dead +sick. + +'"You'd better try once more," said Grimsby, leaning across the +table. And then he winked at me. + +'"I've nothing to try with," said the poor devil, with a ghastly +smile. + +'"Oh, Huntingdon will lend you what you want," said the other. + +'"No; you heard my oath," answered Lowborough, turning away in +quiet despair. And I took him by the arm and led him out. + +'"Is it to be the last, Lowborough?" I asked, when I got him into +the street. + +'"The last," he answered, somewhat against my expectation. And I +took him home - that is, to our club - for he was as submissive as +a child - and plied him with brandy-and-water till he began to look +rather brighter - rather more alive, at least. + +'"Huntingdon, I'm ruined!" said he, taking the third glass from my +hand - he had drunk the others in dead silence. + +'"Not you," said I. "You'll find a man can live without his money +as merrily as a tortoise without its head, or a wasp without its +body. + +'"But I'm in debt," said he - "deep in debt. And I can never, +never get out of it." + +'"Well, what of that? Many a better man than you has lived and +died in debt; and they can't put you in prison, you know, because +you're a peer." And I handed him his fourth tumbler. + +'"But I hate to be in debt!" he shouted. "I wasn't born for it, +and I cannot bear it." + +'"What can't be cured must be endured," said I, beginning to mix +the fifth. + +'"And then, I've lost my Caroline." And he began to snivel then, +for the brandy had softened his heart. + +'"No matter," I answered, "there are more Carolines in the world +than one." + +'"There's only one for me," he replied, with a dolorous sigh. "And +if there were fifty more, who's to get them, I wonder, without +money?" + +'"Oh, somebody will take you for your title; and then you've your +family estate yet; that's entailed, you know." + +'"I wish to God I could sell it to pay my debts," he muttered. + +'"And then," said Grimsby, who had just come in, "you can try +again, you know. I would have more than one chance, if I were you. +I'd never stop here." + +'"I won't, I tell you!" shouted he. And he started up, and left +the room - walking rather unsteadily, for the liquor had got into +his head. He was not so much used to it then, but after that he +took to it kindly to solace his cares. + +'He kept his oath about gambling (not a little to the surprise of +us all), though Grimsby did his utmost to tempt him to break it, +but now he had got hold of another habit that bothered him nearly +as much, for he soon discovered that the demon of drink was as +black as the demon of play, and nearly as hard to get rid of - +especially as his kind friends did all they could to second the +promptings of his own insatiable cravings.' + +'Then, they were demons themselves,' cried I, unable to contain my +indignation. 'And you, Mr. Huntingdon, it seems, were the first to +tempt him.' + +'Well, what could we do?' replied he, deprecatingly. - 'We meant it +in kindness - we couldn't bear to see the poor fellow so +miserable:- and besides, he was such a damper upon us, sitting +there silent and glum, when he was under the threefold influence - +of the loss of his sweetheart, the loss of his fortune, and the +reaction of the lost night's debauch; whereas, when he had +something in him, if he was not merry himself, he was an unfailing +source of merriment to us. Even Grimsby could chuckle over his odd +sayings: they delighted him far more than my merry jests, or +Hattersley's riotous mirth. But one evening, when we were sitting +over our wine, after one of our club dinners, and all had been +hearty together, - Lowborough giving us mad toasts, and hearing our +wild songs, and bearing a hand in the applause, if he did not help +us to sing them himself, - he suddenly relapsed into silence, +sinking his head on his hand, and never lifting his glass to his +lips; - but this was nothing new; so we let him alone, and went on +with our jollification, till, suddenly raising his head, he +interrupted us in the middle of a roar of laughter by exclaiming, - +'Gentlemen, where is all this to end? - Will you just tell me that +now? - Where is it all to end?' He rose. + +'"A speech, a speech!" shouted we. "Hear, hear! Lowborough's +going to give us a speech!" + +'He waited calmly till the thunders of applause and jingling of +glasses had ceased, and then proceeded, - "It's only this, +gentlemen, - that I think we'd better go no further. We'd better +stop while we can." + +'"Just so!" cried Hattersley - + + +"Stop, poor sinner, stop and think +Before you further go, +No longer sport upon the brink +Of everlasting woe." + + +'"Exactly!" replied his lordship, with the utmost gravity. "And if +you choose to visit the bottomless pit, I won't go with you - we +must part company, for I swear I'll not move another step towards +it! - What's this?' he said, taking up his glass of wine. + +'"Taste it," suggested I. + +'"This is hell broth!" he exclaimed. "I renounce it for ever!" +And he threw it out into the middle of the table. + +'"Fill again!" said I, handing him the bottle - "and let us drink +to your renunciation." + +'"It's rank poison," said he, grasping the bottle by the neck, "and +I forswear it! I've given up gambling, and I'll give up this too." +He was on the point of deliberately pouring the whole contents of +the bottle on to the table, but Hargrave wrested it from him. "On +you be the curse, then!" said he. And, backing from the room, he +shouted, "Farewell, ye tempters!" and vanished amid shouts of +laughter and applause. + +'We expected him back among us the next day; but, to our surprise, +the place remained vacant: we saw nothing of him for a whole week; +and we really began to think he was going to keep his word. At +last, one evening, when we were most of us assembled together +again, he entered, silent and grim as a ghost, and would have +quietly slipped into his usual seat at my elbow, but we all rose to +welcome him, and several voices were raised to ask what he would +have, and several hands were busy with bottle and glass to serve +him; but I knew a smoking tumbler of brandy-and-water would comfort +him best, and had nearly prepared it, when he peevishly pushed it +away, saying, - + +'"Do let me alone, Huntingdon! Do be quiet, all of you! I'm not +come to join you: I'm only come to be with you awhile, because I +can't bear my own thoughts." And he folded his arms, and leant +back in his chair; so we let him be. But I left the glass by him; +and, after awhile, Grimsby directed my attention towards it, by a +significant wink; and, on turning my head, I saw it was drained to +the bottom. He made me a sign to replenish, and quietly pushed up +the bottle. I willingly complied; but Lowborough detected the +pantomime, and, nettled at the intelligent grins that were passing +between us, snatched the glass from my hand, dashed the contents of +it in Grimsby's face, threw the empty tumbler at me, and then +bolted from the room.' + +'I hope he broke your head,' said I. + +'No, love,' replied he, laughing immoderately at the recollection +of the whole affair; 'he would have done so, - and perhaps, spoilt +my face, too, but, providentially, this forest of curls' (taking +off his hat, and showing his luxuriant chestnut locks) 'saved my +skull, and prevented the glass from breaking, till it reached the +table.' + +'After that,' he continued, 'Lowborough kept aloof from us a week +or two longer. I used to meet him occasionally in the town; and +then, as I was too good-natured to resent his unmannerly conduct, +and he bore no malice against me, - he was never unwilling to talk +to me; on the contrary, he would cling to me, and follow me +anywhere but to the club, and the gaming-houses, and such-like +dangerous places of resort - he was so weary of his own moping, +melancholy mind. At last, I got him to come in with me to the +club, on condition that I would not tempt him to drink; and, for +some time, he continued to look in upon us pretty regularly of an +evening, - still abstaining, with wonderful perseverance, from the +"rank poison" he had so bravely forsworn. But some of our members +protested against this conduct. They did not like to have him +sitting there like a skeleton at a feast, instead of contributing +his quota to the general amusement, casting a cloud over all, and +watching, with greedy eyes, every drop they carried to their lips - +they vowed it was not fair; and some of them maintained that he +should either be compelled to do as others did, or expelled from +the society; and swore that, next time he showed himself, they +would tell him as much, and, if he did not take the warning, +proceed to active measures. However, I befriended him on this +occasion, and recommended them to let him be for a while, +intimating that, with a little patience on our parts, he would soon +come round again. But, to be sure, it was rather provoking; for, +though he refused to drink like an honest Christian, it was well +known to me that he kept a private bottle of laudanum about him, +which he was continually soaking at - or rather, holding off and on +with, abstaining one day and exceeding the next - just like the +spirits. + +'One night, however, during one of our orgies - one of our high +festivals, I mean - he glided in, like the ghost in "Macbeth," and +seated himself, as usual, a little back from the table, in the +chair we always placed for "the spectre," whether it chose to fill +it or not. I saw by his face that he was suffering from the +effects of an overdose of his insidious comforter; but nobody spoke +to him, and he spoke to nobody. A few sidelong glances, and a +whispered observation, that "the ghost was come," was all the +notice he drew by his appearance, and we went on with our merry +carousals as before, till he startled us all by suddenly drawing in +his chair, and leaning forward with his elbows on the table, and +exclaiming with portentous solemnity, - "Well! it puzzles me what +you can find to be so merry about. What you see in life I don't +know - I see only the blackness of darkness, and a fearful looking +for of judgment and fiery indignation!" + +'All the company simultaneously pushed up their glasses to him, and +I set them before him in a semicircle, and, tenderly patting him on +the back, bid him drink, and he would soon see as bright a prospect +as any of us; but he pushed them back, muttering, - + +'"Take them away! I won't taste it, I tell you. I won't - I +won't!" So I handed them down again to the owners; but I saw that +he followed them with a glare of hungry regret as they departed. +Then he clasped his hands before his eyes to shut out the sight, +and two minutes after lifted his head again, and said, in a hoarse +but vehement whisper, - + +'"And yet I must! Huntingdon, get me a glass!" + +'"Take the bottle, man!" said I, thrusting the brandy-bottle into +his hand - but stop, I'm telling too much,' muttered the narrator, +startled at the look I turned upon him. 'But no matter,' he +recklessly added, and thus continued his relation: 'In his +desperate eagerness, he seized the bottle and sucked away, till he +suddenly dropped from his chair, disappearing under the table amid +a tempest of applause. The consequence of this imprudence was +something like an apoplectic fit, followed by a rather severe brain +fever - ' + +'And what did you think of yourself, sir?' said I, quickly. + +'Of course, I was very penitent,' he replied. 'I went to see him +once or twice - nay, twice or thrice - or by'r lady, some four +times - and when he got better, I tenderly brought him back to the +fold.' + +'What do you mean?' + +'I mean, I restored him to the bosom of the club, and +compassionating the feebleness of his health and extreme lowness of +his spirits, I recommended him to "take a little wine for his +stomach's sake," and, when he was sufficiently re-established, to +embrace the media-via, ni-jamais-ni-toujours plan - not to kill +himself like a fool, and not to abstain like a ninny - in a word, +to enjoy himself like a rational creature, and do as I did; for, +don't think, Helen, that I'm a tippler; I'm nothing at all of the +kind, and never was, and never shall be. I value my comfort far +too much. I see that a man cannot give himself up to drinking +without being miserable one-half his days and mad the other; +besides, I like to enjoy my life at all sides and ends, which +cannot be done by one that suffers himself to be the slave of a +single propensity - and, moreover, drinking spoils one's good +looks,' he concluded, with a most conceited smile that ought to +have provoked me more than it did. + +'And did Lord Lowborough profit by your advice?' I asked. + +'Why, yes, in a manner. For a while he managed very well; indeed, +he was a model of moderation and prudence - something too much so +for the tastes of our wild community; but, somehow, Lowborough had +not the gift of moderation: if he stumbled a little to one side, +he must go down before he could right himself: if he overshot the +mark one night, the effects of it rendered him so miserable the +next day that he must repeat the offence to mend it; and so on from +day to day, till his clamorous conscience brought him to a stand. +And then, in his sober moments, he so bothered his friends with his +remorse, and his terrors and woes, that they were obliged, in self- +defence, to get him to drown his sorrows in wine, or any more +potent beverage that came to hand; and when his first scruples of +conscience were overcome, he would need no more persuading, he +would often grow desperate, and be as great a blackguard as any of +them could desire - but only to lament his own unutterable +wickedness and degradation the more when the fit was over. + +'At last, one day when he and I were alone together, after +pondering awhile in one of his gloomy, abstracted moods, with his +arms folded and his head sunk on his breast, he suddenly woke up, +and vehemently grasping my arm, said, - + +'"Huntingdon, this won't do! I'm resolved to have done with it." + +'"What, are you going to shoot yourself?" said I. + +'"No; I'm going to reform." + +'"Oh, that's nothing new! You've been going to reform these twelve +months and more." + +'"Yes, but you wouldn't let me; and I was such a fool I couldn't +live without you. But now I see what it is that keeps me back, and +what's wanted to save me; and I'd compass sea and land to get it - +only I'm afraid there's no chance." And he sighed as if his heart +would break. + +'"What is it, Lowborough?" said I, thinking he was fairly cracked +at last. + +'"A wife," he answered; "for I can't live alone, because my own +mind distracts me, and I can't live with you, because you take the +devil's part against me." + +'"Who - I?" + +'"Yes - all of you do - and you more than any of them, you know. +But if I could get a wife, with fortune enough to pay off my debts +and set me straight in the world - " + +'"To be sure," said I. + +'"And sweetness and goodness enough," he continued, "to make home +tolerable, and to reconcile me to myself, I think I should do yet. +I shall never be in love again, that's certain; but perhaps that +would be no great matter, it would enable me to choose with my eyes +open - and I should make a good husband in spite of it; but could +any one be in love with me? - that's the question. With your good +looks and powers of fascination" (he was pleased to say), "I might +hope; but as it is, Huntingdon, do you think anybody would take me +- ruined and wretched as I am?" + +'"Yes, certainly." + +'"Who?" + +'"Why, any neglected old maid, fast sinking in despair, would be +delighted to - " + +'"No, no," said he - "it must be somebody that I can love." + +'"Why, you just said you never could be in love again!' + +'"Well, love is not the word - but somebody that I can like. I'll +search all England through, at all events!" he cried, with a sudden +burst of hope, or desperation. "Succeed or fail, it will be better +than rushing headlong to destruction at that d-d club: so farewell +to it and you. Whenever I meet you on honest ground or under a +Christian roof, I shall be glad to see you; but never more shall +you entice me to that devil's den!" + +'This was shameful language, but I shook hands with him, and we +parted. He kept his word; and from that time forward he has been a +pattern of propriety, as far as I can tell; but till lately I have +not had very much to do with him. He occasionally sought my +company, but as frequently shrunk from it, fearing lest I should +wile him back to destruction, and I found his not very +entertaining, especially as he sometimes attempted to awaken my +conscience and draw me from the perdition he considered himself to +have escaped; but when I did happen to meet him, I seldom failed to +ask after the progress of his matrimonial efforts and researches, +and, in general, he could give me but a poor account. The mothers +were repelled by his empty coffers and his reputation for gambling, +and the daughters by his cloudy brow and melancholy temper - +besides, he didn't understand them; he wanted the spirit and +assurance to carry his point. + +'I left him at it when I went to the continent; and on my return, +at the year's end, I found him still a disconsolate bachelor - +though, certainly, looking somewhat less like an unblest exile from +the tomb than before. The young ladies had ceased to be afraid of +him, and were beginning to think him quite interesting; but the +mammas were still unrelenting. It was about this time, Helen, that +my good angel brought me into conjunction with you; and then I had +eyes and ears for nobody else. But, meantime, Lowborough became +acquainted with our charming friend, Miss Wilmot - through the +intervention of his good angel, no doubt he would tell you, though +he did not dare to fix his hopes on one so courted and admired, +till after they were brought into closer contact here at +Staningley, and she, in the absence of her other admirers, +indubitably courted his notice and held out every encouragement to +his timid advances. Then, indeed, he began to hope for a dawn of +brighter days; and if, for a while, I darkened his prospects by +standing between him and his sun - and so nearly plunged him again +into the abyss of despair - it only intensified his ardour and +strengthened his hopes when I chose to abandon the field in the +pursuit of a brighter treasure. In a word, as I told you, he is +fairly besotted. At first, he could dimly perceive her faults, and +they gave him considerable uneasiness; but now his passion and her +art together have blinded him to everything but her perfections and +his amazing good fortune. Last night he came to me brimful of his +new-found felicity: + +'"Huntingdon, I am not a castaway!" said he, seizing my hand and +squeezing it like a vice. "There is happiness in store for me yet +- even in this life - she loves me!" + +'"Indeed!" said I. "Has she told you so?" + +'"No, but I can no longer doubt it. Do you not see how pointedly +kind and affectionate she is? And she knows the utmost extent of +my poverty, and cares nothing about it! She knows all the folly +and all the wickedness of my former life, and is not afraid to +trust me - and my rank and title are no allurements to her; for +them she utterly disregards. She is the most generous, high-minded +being that can be conceived of. She will save me, body and soul, +from destruction. Already, she has ennobled me in my own +estimation, and made me three times better, wiser, greater than I +was. Oh! if I had but known her before, how much degradation and +misery I should have been spared! But what have I done to deserve +so magnificent a creature?" + +'And the cream of the jest,' continued Mr. Huntingdon, laughing, +'is, that the artful minx loves nothing about him but his title and +pedigree, and "that delightful old family seat."' + +'How do you know?' said I. + +'She told me so herself; she said, "As for the man himself, I +thoroughly despise him; but then, I suppose, it is time to be +making my choice, and if I waited for some one capable of eliciting +my esteem and affection, I should have to pass my life in single +blessedness, for I detest you all!" Ha, ha! I suspect she was +wrong there; but, however, it is evident she has no love for him, +poor fellow.' + +'Then you ought to tell him so.' + +'What! and spoil all her plans and prospects, poor girl? No, no: +that would be a breach of confidence, wouldn't it, Helen? Ha, ha! +Besides, it would break his heart.' And he laughed again. + +'Well, Mr. Huntingdon, I don't know what you see so amazingly +diverting in the matter; I see nothing to laugh at.' + +'I'm laughing at you, just now, love,' said he, redoubling his +machinations. + +And leaving him to enjoy his merriment alone, I touched Ruby with +the whip, and cantered on to rejoin our companions; for we had been +walking our horses all this time, and were consequently a long way +behind. Arthur was soon at my side again; but not disposed to talk +to him, I broke into a gallop. He did the same; and we did not +slacken our pace till we came up with Miss Wilmot and Lord +Lowborough, which was within half a mile of the park-gates. I +avoided all further conversation with him till we came to the end +of our ride, when I meant to jump off my horse and vanish into the +house, before he could offer his assistance; but while I was +disengaging my habit from the crutch, he lifted me off, and held me +by both hands, asserting that he would not let me go till I had +forgiven him. + +'I have nothing to forgive,' said I. 'You have not injured me.' + +'No, darling - God forbid that I should! but you are angry because +it was to me that Annabella confessed her lack of esteem for her +lover.' + +'No, Arthur, it is not that that displeases me: it is the whole +system of your conduct towards your friend, and if you wish me to +forget it, go now, and tell him what sort of a woman it is that he +adores so madly, and on whom he has hung his hopes of future +happiness.' + +'I tell you, Helen, it would break his heart - it would be the +death of him - besides being a scandalous trick to poor Annabella. +There is no help for him now; he is past praying for. Besides, she +may keep up the deception to the end of the chapter; and then he +will be just as happy in the illusion as if it were reality; or +perhaps he will only discover his mistake when he has ceased to +love her; and if not, it is much better that the truth should dawn +gradually upon him. So now, my angel, I hope I have made out a +clear case, and fully convinced you that I cannot make the +atonement you require. What other requisition have you to make? +Speak, and I will gladly obey.' + +'I have none but this,' said I, as gravely as before: 'that, in +future, you will never make a jest of the sufferings of others, and +always use your influence with your friends for their own advantage +against their evil propensities, instead of seconding their evil +propensities against themselves.' + +'I will do my utmost,' said he, 'to remember and perform the +injunctions of my angel monitress;' and after kissing both my +gloved hands, he let me go. + +When I entered my room, I was surprised to see Annabella Wilmot +standing before my toilet-table, composedly surveying her features +in the glass, with one hand flirting her gold-mounted whip, and the +other holding up her long habit. + +'She certainly is a magnificent creature!' thought I, as I beheld +that tall, finely developed figure, and the reflection of the +handsome face in the mirror before me, with the glossy dark hair, +slightly and not ungracefully disordered by the breezy ride, the +rich brown complexion glowing with exercise, and the black eyes +sparkling with unwonted brilliance. On perceiving me, she turned +round, exclaiming, with a laugh that savoured more of malice than +of mirth, - 'Why, Helen! what have you been doing so long? I came +to tell you my good fortune,' she continued, regardless of Rachel's +presence. 'Lord Lowborough has proposed, and I have been +graciously pleased to accept him. Don't you envy me, dear?' + +'No, love,' said I - 'or him either,' I mentally added. 'And do +you like him, Annabella?' + +'Like him! yes, to be sure - over head and ears in love!' + +'Well, I hope you'll make him a good wife.' + +'Thank you, my dear! And what besides do you hope?' + +'I hope you will both love each other, and both be happy.' + +'Thanks; and I hope you will make a very good wife to Mr. +Huntingdon!' said she, with a queenly bow, and retired. + +'Oh, Miss! how could you say so to her!' cried Rachel. + +'Say what?' replied I. + +'Why, that you hoped she would make him a good wife. I never heard +such a thing!' + +'Because I do hope it, or rather, I wish it; she's almost past +hope.' + +'Well,' said she, 'I'm sure I hope he'll make her a good husband. +They tell queer things about him downstairs. They were saying - ' + +'I know, Rachel. I've heard all about him; but he's reformed now. +And they have no business to tell tales about their masters.' + +'No, mum - or else, they have said some things about Mr. Huntingdon +too.' + +'I won't hear them, Rachel; they tell lies.' + +'Yes, mum,' said she, quietly, as she went on arranging my hair. + +'Do you believe them, Rachel?' I asked, after a short pause. + +'No, Miss, not all. You know when a lot of servants gets together +they like to talk about their betters; and some, for a bit of +swagger, likes to make it appear as though they knew more than they +do, and to throw out hints and things just to astonish the others. +But I think, if I was you, Miss Helen, I'd look very well before I +leaped. I do believe a young lady can't be too careful who she +marries.' + +'Of course not,' said I; 'but be quick, will you, Rachel? I want +to be dressed.' + +And, indeed, I was anxious to be rid of the good woman, for I was +in such a melancholy frame I could hardly keep the tears out of my +eyes while she dressed me. It was not for Lord Lowborough - it was +not for Annabella - it was not for myself - it was for Arthur +Huntingdon that they rose. + +* * * * * + +13th. - They are gone, and he is gone. We are to be parted for +more than two months, above ten weeks! a long, long time to live +and not to see him. But he has promised to write often, and made +me promise to write still oftener, because he will be busy settling +his affairs, and I shall have nothing better to do. Well, I think +I shall always have plenty to say. But oh! for the time when we +shall be always together, and can exchange our thoughts without the +intervention of these cold go-betweens, pen, ink, and paper! + +22nd. - I have had several letters from Arthur already. They are +not long, but passing sweet, and just like himself, full of ardent +affection, and playful lively humour; but there is always a 'but' +in this imperfect world, and I do wish he would sometimes be +serious. I cannot get him to write or speak in real, solid +earnest. I don't much mind it now, but if it be always so, what +shall I do with the serious part of myself? + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + + +Feb. 18, 1822. - Early this morning Arthur mounted his hunter and +set off in high glee to meet the - hounds. He will be away all +day, and so I will amuse myself with my neglected diary, if I can +give that name to such an irregular composition. It is exactly +four months since I opened it last. + +I am married now, and settled down as Mrs. Huntingdon of Grassdale +Manor. I have had eight weeks' experience of matrimony. And do I +regret the step I have taken? No, though I must confess, in my +secret heart, that Arthur is not what I thought him at first, and +if I had known him in the beginning as thoroughly as I do now, I +probably never should have loved him, and if I loved him first, and +then made the discovery, I fear I should have thought it my duty +not to have married him. To be sure I might have known him, for +every one was willing enough to tell me about him, and he himself +was no accomplished hypocrite, but I was wilfully blind; and now, +instead of regretting that I did not discern his full character +before I was indissolubly bound to him, I am glad, for it has saved +me a great deal of battling with my conscience, and a great deal of +consequent trouble and pain; and, whatever I ought to have done, my +duty now is plainly to love him and to cleave to him, and this just +tallies with my inclination. + +He is very fond of me, almost too fond. I could do with less +caressing and more rationality. I should like to be less of a pet +and more of a friend, if I might choose; but I won't complain of +that: I am only afraid his affection loses in depth where it gains +in ardour. I sometimes liken it to a fire of dry twigs and +branches compared with one of solid coal, very bright and hot; but +if it should burn itself out and leave nothing but ashes behind, +what shall I do? But it won't, it sha'n't, I am determined; and +surely I have power to keep it alive. So let me dismiss that +thought at once. But Arthur is selfish; I am constrained to +acknowledge that; and, indeed, the admission gives me less pain +than might be expected, for, since I love him so much, I can easily +forgive him for loving himself: he likes to be pleased, and it is +my delight to please him; and when I regret this tendency of his, +it is for his own sake, not for mine. + +The first instance he gave was on the occasion of our bridal tour. +He wanted to hurry it over, for all the continental scenes were +already familiar to him: many had lost their interest in his eyes, +and others had never had anything to lose. The consequence was, +that after a flying transit through part of France and part of +Italy, I came back nearly as ignorant as I went, having made no +acquaintance with persons and manners, and very little with things, +my head swarming with a motley confusion of objects and scenes; +some, it is true, leaving a deeper and more pleasing impression +than others, but these embittered by the recollection that my +emotions had not been shared by my companion, but that, on the +contrary, when I had expressed a particular interest in anything +that I saw or desired to see, it had been displeasing to him, +inasmuch as it proved that I could take delight in anything +disconnected with himself. + +As for Paris, we only just touched at that, and he would not give +me time to see one-tenth of the beauties and interesting objects of +Rome. He wanted to get me home, he said, to have me all to +himself, and to see me safely installed as the mistress of +Grassdale Manor, just as single-minded, as naive, and piquante as I +was; and as if I had been some frail butterfly, he expressed +himself fearful of rubbing the silver off my wings by bringing me +into contact with society, especially that of Paris and Rome; and, +more-over, he did not scruple to tell me that there were ladies in +both places that would tear his eyes out if they happened to meet +him with me. + +Of course I was vexed at all this; but still it was less the +disappointment to myself that annoyed me, than the disappointment +in him, and the trouble I was at to frame excuses to my friends for +having seen and observed so little, without imputing one particle +of blame to my companion. But when we got home - to my new, +delightful home - I was so happy and he was so kind that I freely +forgave him all; and I was beginning to think my lot too happy, and +my husband actually too good for me, if not too good for this +world, when, on the second Sunday after our arrival, he shocked and +horrified me by another instance of his unreasonable exaction. We +were walking home from the morning service, for it was a fine +frosty day, and as we are so near the church, I had requested the +carriage should not be used. + +'Helen,' said he, with unusual gravity, 'I am not quite satisfied +with you.' + +I desired to know what was wrong. + +'But will you promise to reform if I tell you?' + +'Yes, if I can, and without offending a higher authority.' + +'Ah! there it is, you see: you don't love me with all your heart.' + +'I don't understand you, Arthur (at least I hope I don't): pray +tell me what I have done or said amiss.' + +'It is nothing you have done or said; it is something that you are +- you are too religious. Now I like a woman to be religious, and I +think your piety one of your greatest charms; but then, like all +other good things, it may be carried too far. To my thinking, a +woman's religion ought not to lessen her devotion to her earthly +lord. She should have enough to purify and etherealise her soul, +but not enough to refine away her heart, and raise her above all +human sympathies.' + +'And am I above all human sympathies?' said I. + +'No, darling; but you are making more progress towards that saintly +condition than I like; for all these two hours I have been thinking +of you and wanting to catch your eye, and you were so absorbed in +your devotions that you had not even a glance to spare for me - I +declare it is enough to make one jealous of one's Maker - which is +very wrong, you know; so don't excite such wicked passions again, +for my soul's sake.' + +'I will give my whole heart and soul to my Maker if I can,' I +answered, 'and not one atom more of it to you than He allows. What +are you, sir, that you should set yourself up as a god, and presume +to dispute possession of my heart with Him to whom I owe all I have +and all I am, every blessing I ever did or ever can enjoy - and +yourself among the rest - if you are a blessing, which I am half +inclined to doubt.' + +'Don't be so hard upon me, Helen; and don't pinch my arm so: you +are squeezing your fingers into the bone.' + +'Arthur,' continued I, relaxing my hold of his arm, 'you don't love +me half as much as I do you; and yet, if you loved me far less than +you do, I would not complain, provided you loved your Maker more. +I should rejoice to see you at any time so deeply absorbed in your +devotions that you had not a single thought to spare for me. But, +indeed, I should lose nothing by the change, for the more you loved +your God the more deep and pure and true would be your love to me.' + +At this he only laughed and kissed my hand, calling me a sweet +enthusiast. Then taking off his hat, he added: 'But look here, +Helen - what can a man do with such a head as this?' + +The head looked right enough, but when he placed my hand on the top +of it, it sunk in a bed of curls, rather alarmingly low, especially +in the middle. + +'You see I was not made to be a saint,' said he, laughing, 'If God +meant me to be religious, why didn't He give me a proper organ of +veneration?' + +'You are like the servant,' I replied, 'who, instead of employing +his one talent in his master's service, restored it to him +unimproved, alleging, as an excuse, that he knew him "to be a hard +man, reaping where he had not sown, and gathering where he had not +strawed." Of him to whom less is given, less will be required, but +our utmost exertions are required of us all. You are not without +the capacity of veneration, and faith and hope, and conscience and +reason, and every other requisite to a Christian's character, if +you choose to employ them; but all our talents increase in the +using, and every faculty, both good and bad, strengthens by +exercise: therefore, if you choose to use the bad, or those which +tend to evil, till they become your masters, and neglect the good +till they dwindle away, you have only yourself to blame. But you +have talents, Arthur - natural endowments both of heart and mind +and temper, such as many a better Christian would be glad to +possess, if you would only employ them in God's service. I should +never expect to see you a devotee, but it is quite possible to be a +good Christian without ceasing to be a happy, merry-hearted man.' + +'You speak like an oracle, Helen, and all you say is indisputably +true; but listen here: I am hungry, and I see before me a good +substantial dinner; I am told that if I abstain from this to-day I +shall have a sumptuous feast to-morrow, consisting of all manner of +dainties and delicacies. Now, in the first place, I should be loth +to wait till to-morrow when I have the means of appeasing my hunger +already before me: in the second place, the solid viands of to-day +are more to my taste than the dainties that are promised me; in the +third place, I don't see to-morrow's banquet, and how can I tell +that it is not all a fable, got up by the greasy-faced fellow that +is advising me to abstain in order that he may have all the good +victuals to himself? in the fourth place, this table must be spread +for somebody, and, as Solomon says, "Who can eat, or who else can +hasten hereunto more than I?" and finally, with your leave, I'll +sit down and satisfy my cravings of to-day, and leave to-morrow to +shift for itself - who knows but what I may secure both this and +that?' + +'But you are not required to abstain from the substantial dinner of +to-day: you are only advised to partake of these coarser viands in +such moderation as not to incapacitate you from enjoying the +choicer banquet of to-morrow. If, regardless of that counsel, you +choose to make a beast of yourself now, and over-eat and over-drink +yourself till you turn the good victuals into poison, who is to +blame if, hereafter, while you are suffering the torments of +yesterday's gluttony and drunkenness, you see more temperate men +sitting down to enjoy themselves at that splendid entertainment +which you are unable to taste?' + +'Most true, my patron saint; but again, our friend Solomon says, +"There is nothing better for a man than to eat and to drink, and to +be merry."' + +'And again,' returned I, 'he says, "Rejoice, O young man, in thy +youth; and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of +thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will +bring thee into judgment."' + +'Well, but, Helen, I'm sure I've been very good these last few +weeks. What have you seen amiss in me, and what would you have me +to do?' + +'Nothing more than you do, Arthur: your actions are all right so +far; but I would have your thoughts changed; I would have you to +fortify yourself against temptation, and not to call evil good, and +good evil; I should wish you to think more deeply, to look further, +and aim higher than you do.' + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + + +March 25th. - Arthur is getting tired - not of me, I trust, but of +the idle, quiet life he leads - and no wonder, for he has so few +sources of amusement: he never reads anything but newspapers and +sporting magazines; and when he sees me occupied with a book, he +won't let me rest till I close it. In fine weather he generally +manages to get through the time pretty well, but on rainy days, of +which we have had a good many of late, it is quite painful to +witness his ennui. I do all I can to amuse him, but it is +impossible to get him to feel interested in what I most like to +talk about, while, on the other hand, he likes to talk about things +that cannot interest me - or even that annoy me - and these please +him - the most of all: for his favourite amusement is to sit or +loll beside me on the sofa, and tell me stories of his former +amours, always turning upon the ruin of some confiding girl or the +cozening of some unsuspecting husband; and when I express my horror +and indignation, he lays it all to the charge of jealousy, and +laughs till the tears run down his cheeks. I used to fly into +passions or melt into tears at first, but seeing that his delight +increased in proportion to my anger and agitation, I have since +endeavoured to suppress my feelings and receive his revelations in +the silence of calm contempt; but still he reads the inward +struggle in my face, and misconstrues my bitterness of soul for his +unworthiness into the pangs of wounded jealousy; and when he has +sufficiently diverted himself with that, or fears my displeasure +will become too serious for his comfort, he tries to kiss and +soothe me into smiles again - never were his caresses so little +welcome as then! This is double selfishness displayed to me and to +the victims of his former love. There are times when, with a +momentary pang - a flash of wild dismay, I ask myself, 'Helen, what +have you done?' But I rebuke the inward questioner, and repel the +obtrusive thoughts that crowd upon me; for were he ten times as +sensual and impenetrable to good and lofty thoughts, I well know I +have no right to complain. And I don't and won't complain. I do +and will love him still; and I do not and will not regret that I +have linked my fate with his. + +April 4th. - We have had a downright quarrel. The particulars are +as follows: Arthur had told me, at different intervals, the whole +story of his intrigue with Lady F-, which I would not believe +before. It was some consolation, however, to find that in this +instance the lady had been more to blame than he, for he was very +young at the time, and she had decidedly made the first advances, +if what he said was true. I hated her for it, for it seemed as if +she had chiefly contributed to his corruption; and when he was +beginning to talk about her the other day, I begged he would not +mention her, for I detested the very sound of her name. + +'Not because you loved her, Arthur, mind, but because she injured +you and deceived her husband, and was altogether a very abominable +woman, whom you ought to be ashamed to mention.' + +But he defended her by saying that she had a doting old husband, +whom it was impossible to love. + +'Then why did she marry him?' said I. + +'For his money,' was the reply. + +'Then that was another crime, and her solemn promise to love and +honour him was another, that only increased the enormity of the +last.' + +'You are too severe upon the poor lady,' laughed he. 'But never +mind, Helen, I don't care for her now; and I never loved any of +them half as much as I do you, so you needn't fear to be forsaken +like them.' + +'If you had told me these things before, Arthur, I never should +have given you the chance.' + +'Wouldn't you, my darling?' + +'Most certainly not!' + +He laughed incredulously. + +'I wish I could convince you of it now!' cried I, starting up from +beside him: and for the first time in my life, and I hope the +last, I wished I had not married him. + +'Helen,' said he, more gravely, 'do you know that if I believed you +now I should be very angry? but thank heaven I don't. Though you +stand there with your white face and flashing eyes, looking at me +like a very tigress, I know the heart within you perhaps a trifle +better than you know it yourself.' + +Without another word I left the room and locked myself up in my own +chamber. In about half an hour he came to the door, and first he +tried the handle, then he knocked. + +'Won't you let me in, Helen?' said he. + +'No; you have displeased me,' I replied, 'and I don't want to see +your face or hear your voice again till the morning.' + +He paused a moment as if dumfounded or uncertain how to answer such +a speech, and then turned and walked away. This was only an hour +after dinner: I knew he would find it very dull to sit alone all +the evening; and this considerably softened my resentment, though +it did not make me relent. I was determined to show him that my +heart was not his slave, and I could live without him if I chose; +and I sat down and wrote a long letter to my aunt, of course +telling her nothing of all this. Soon after ten o'clock I heard +him come up again, but he passed my door and went straight to his +own dressing-room, where he shut himself in for the night. + +I was rather anxious to see how he would meet me in the morning, +and not a little disappointed to behold him enter the breakfast- +room with a careless smile. + +'Are you cross still, Helen?' said he, approaching as if to salute +me. I coldly turned to the table, and began to pour out the +coffee, observing that he was rather late. + +He uttered a low whistle and sauntered away to the window, where he +stood for some minutes looking out upon the pleasing prospect of +sullen grey clouds, streaming rain, soaking lawn, and dripping +leafless trees, and muttering execrations on the weather, and then +sat down to breakfast. While taking his coffee he muttered it was +'d-d cold.' + +'You should not have left it so long,' said I. + +He made no answer, and the meal was concluded in silence. It was a +relief to both when the letter-bag was brought in. It contained +upon examination a newspaper and one or two letters for him, and a +couple of letters for me, which he tossed across the table without +a remark. One was from my brother, the other from Milicent +Hargrave, who is now in London with her mother. His, I think, were +business letters, and apparently not much to his mind, for he +crushed them into his pocket with some muttered expletives that I +should have reproved him for at any other time. The paper he set +before him, and pretended to be deeply absorbed in its contents +during the remainder of breakfast, and a considerable time after. + +The reading and answering of my letters, and the direction of +household concerns, afforded me ample employment for the morning: +after lunch I got my drawing, and from dinner till bed-time I read. +Meanwhile, poor Arthur was sadly at a loss for something to amuse +him or to occupy his time. He wanted to appear as busy and as +unconcerned as I did. Had the weather at all permitted, he would +doubtless have ordered his horse and set off to some distant +region, no matter where, immediately after breakfast, and not +returned till night: had there been a lady anywhere within reach, +of any age between fifteen and forty-five, he would have sought +revenge and found employment in getting up, or trying to get up, a +desperate flirtation with her; but being, to my private +satisfaction, entirely cut off from both these sources of +diversion, his sufferings were truly deplorable. When he had done +yawning over his paper and scribbling short answers to his shorter +letters, he spent the remainder of the morning and the whole of the +afternoon in fidgeting about from room to room, watching the +clouds, cursing the rain, alternately petting and teasing and +abusing his dogs, sometimes lounging on the sofa with a book that +he could not force himself to read, and very often fixedly gazing +at me when he thought I did not perceive it, with the vain hope of +detecting some traces of tears, or some tokens of remorseful +anguish in my face. But I managed to preserve an undisturbed +though grave serenity throughout the day. I was not really angry: +I felt for him all the time, and longed to be reconciled; but I +determined he should make the first advances, or at least show some +signs of an humble and contrite spirit first; for, if I began, it +would only minister to his self-conceit, increase his arrogance, +and quite destroy the lesson I wanted to give him. + +He made a long stay in the dining-room after dinner, and, I fear, +took an unusual quantity of wine, but not enough to loosen his +tongue: for when he came in and found me quietly occupied with my +book, too busy to lift my head on his entrance, he merely murmured +an expression of suppressed disapprobation, and, shutting the door +with a bang, went and stretched himself at full length on the sofa, +and composed himself to sleep. But his favourite cocker, Dash, +that had been lying at my feet, took the liberty of jumping upon +him and beginning to lick his face. He struck it off with a smart +blow, and the poor dog squeaked and ran cowering back to me. When +he woke up, about half an hour after, he called it to him again, +but Dash only looked sheepish and wagged the tip of his tail. He +called again more sharply, but Dash only clung the closer to me, +and licked my hand, as if imploring protection. Enraged at this, +his master snatched up a heavy book and hurled it at his head. The +poor dog set up a piteous outcry, and ran to the door. I let him +out, and then quietly took up the book. + +'Give that book to me,' said Arthur, in no very courteous tone. I +gave it to him. + +'Why did you let the dog out?' he asked; 'you knew I wanted him.' + +'By what token?' I replied; 'by your throwing the book at him? but +perhaps it was intended for me?' + +'No; but I see you've got a taste of it,' said he, looking at my +hand, that had also been struck, and was rather severely grazed. + +I returned to my reading, and he endeavoured to occupy himself in +the same manner; but in a little while, after several portentous +yawns, he pronounced his book to be 'cursed trash,' and threw it on +the table. Then followed eight or ten minutes of silence, during +the greater part of which, I believe, he was staring at me. At +last his patience was tired out. + +'What is that book, Helen?' he exclaimed. + +I told him. + +'Is it interesting?' + +'Yes, very.' + +I went on reading, or pretending to read, at least - I cannot say +there was much communication between my eyes and my brain; for, +while the former ran over the pages, the latter was earnestly +wondering when Arthur would speak next, and what he would say, and +what I should answer. But he did not speak again till I rose to +make the tea, and then it was only to say he should not take any. +He continued lounging on the sofa, and alternately closing his eyes +and looking at his watch and at me, till bed-time, when I rose, and +took my candle and retired. + +'Helen!' cried he, the moment I had left the room. I turned back, +and stood awaiting his commands. + +'What do you want, Arthur?' I said at length. + +'Nothing,' replied he. 'Go!' + +I went, but hearing him mutter something as I was closing the door, +I turned again. It sounded very like 'confounded slut,' but I was +quite willing it should be something else. + +'Were you speaking, Arthur?' I asked. + +'No,' was the answer, and I shut the door and departed. I saw +nothing more of him till the following morning at breakfast, when +he came down a full hour after the usual time. + +'You're very late,' was my morning's salutation. + +'You needn't have waited for me,' was his; and he walked up to the +window again. It was just such weather as yesterday. + +'Oh, this confounded rain!' he muttered. But, after studiously +regarding it for a minute or two, a bright idea, seemed to strike +him, for he suddenly exclaimed, 'But I know what I'll do!' and then +returned and took his seat at the table. The letter-bag was +already there, waiting to be opened. He unlocked it and examined +the contents, but said nothing about them. + +'Is there anything for me?' I asked. + +'No.' + +He opened the newspaper and began to read. + +'You'd better take your coffee,' suggested I; 'it will be cold +again.' + +'You may go,' said he, 'if you've done; I don't want you.' + +I rose and withdrew to the next room, wondering if we were to have +another such miserable day as yesterday, and wishing intensely for +an end of these mutually inflicted torments. Shortly after I heard +him ring the bell and give some orders about his wardrobe that +sounded as if he meditated a long journey. He then sent for the +coachman, and I heard something about the carriage and the horses, +and London, and seven o'clock to-morrow morning, that startled and +disturbed me not a little. + +'I must not let him go to London, whatever comes of it,' said I to +myself; 'he will run into all kinds of mischief, and I shall be the +cause of it. But the question is, How am I to alter his purpose? +Well, I will wait awhile, and see if he mentions it.' + +I waited most anxiously, from hour to hour; but not a word was +spoken, on that or any other subject, to me. He whistled and +talked to his dogs, and wandered from room to room, much the same +as on the previous day. At last I began to think I must introduce +the subject myself, and was pondering how to bring it about, when +John unwittingly came to my relief with the following message from +the coachman: + +'Please, sir, Richard says one of the horses has got a very bad +cold, and he thinks, sir, if you could make it convenient to go the +day after to-morrow, instead of to-morrow, he could physic it to- +day, so as - ' + +'Confound his impudence!' interjected the master. + +'Please, sir, he says it would be a deal better if you could,' +persisted John, 'for he hopes there'll be a change in the weather +shortly, and he says it's not likely, when a horse is so bad with a +cold, and physicked and all - ' + +'Devil take the horse!' cried the gentleman. 'Well, tell him I'll +think about it,' he added, after a moment's reflection. He cast a +searching glance at me, as the servant withdrew, expecting to see +some token of deep astonishment and alarm; but, being previously +prepared, I preserved an aspect of stoical indifference. His +countenance fell as he met my steady gaze, and he turned away in +very obvious disappointment, and walked up to the fire-place, where +he stood in an attitude of undisguised dejection, leaning against +the chimney-piece with his forehead sunk upon his arm. + +'Where do you want to go, Arthur?' said I. + +'To London,' replied he, gravely. + +'What for?' I asked. + +'Because I cannot be happy here.' + +'Why not?' + +'Because my wife doesn't love me.' + +'She would love you with all her heart, if you deserved it.' + +'What must I do to deserve it?' + +This seemed humble and earnest enough; and I was so much affected, +between sorrow and joy, that I was obliged to pause a few seconds +before I could steady my voice to reply. + +'If she gives you her heart,' said I, 'you must take it, +thankfully, and use it well, and not pull it in pieces, and laugh +in her face, because she cannot snatch it away.' + +He now turned round, and stood facing me, with his back to the +fire. 'Come, then, Helen, are you going to be a good girl?' said +he. + +This sounded rather too arrogant, and the smile that accompanied it +did not please me. I therefore hesitated to reply. Perhaps my +former answer had implied too much: he had heard my voice falter, +and might have seen me brush away a tear. + +'Are you going to forgive me, Helen?' he resumed, more humbly. + +'Are you penitent?' I replied, stepping up to him and smiling in +his face. + +'Heart-broken!' he answered, with a rueful countenance, yet with a +merry smile just lurking within his eyes and about the corners of +his mouth; but this could not repulse me, and I flew into his arms. +He fervently embraced me, and though I shed a torrent of tears, I +think I never was happier in my life than at that moment. + +'Then you won't go to London, Arthur?' I said, when the first +transport of tears and kisses had subsided. + +'No, love, - unless you will go with me.' + +'I will, gladly,' I answered, 'if you think the change will amuse +you, and if you will put off the journey till next week.' + +He readily consented, but said there was no need of much +preparation, as he should not be for staying long, for he did not +wish me to be Londonized, and to lose my country freshness and +originality by too much intercourse with the ladies of the world. +I thought this folly; but I did not wish to contradict him now: I +merely said that I was of very domestic habits, as he well knew, +and had no particular wish to mingle with the world. + +So we are to go to London on Monday, the day after to-morrow. It +is now four days since the termination of our quarrel, and I am +sure it has done us both good: it has made me like Arthur a great +deal better, and made him behave a great deal better to me. He has +never once attempted to annoy me since, by the most distant +allusion to Lady F-, or any of those disagreeable reminiscences of +his former life. I wish I could blot them from my memory, or else +get him to regard such matters in the same light as I do. Well! it +is something, however, to have made him see that they are not fit +subjects for a conjugal jest. He may see further some time. I +will put no limits to my hopes; and, in spite of my aunt's +forebodings and my own unspoken fears, I trust we shall be happy +yet. + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + + +On the eighth of April we went to London, on the eighth of May I +returned, in obedience to Arthur's wish; very much against my own, +because I left him behind. If he had come with me, I should have +been very glad to get home again, for he led me such a round of +restless dissipation while there, that, in that short space of +time, I was quite tired out. He seemed bent upon displaying me to +his friends and acquaintances in particular, and the public in +general, on every possible occasion, and to the greatest possible +advantage. It was something to feel that he considered me a worthy +object of pride; but I paid dear for the gratification: for, in +the first place, to please him I had to violate my cherished +predilections, my almost rooted principles in favour of a plain, +dark, sober style of dress - I must sparkle in costly jewels and +deck myself out like a painted butterfly, just as I had, long +since, determined I would never do - and this was no trifling +sacrifice; in the second place, I was continually straining to +satisfy his sanguine expectations and do honour to his choice by my +general conduct and deportment, and fearing to disappoint him by +some awkward misdemeanour, or some trait of inexperienced ignorance +about the customs of society, especially when I acted the part of +hostess, which I was not unfrequently called upon to do; and, in +the third place, as I intimated before, I was wearied of the throng +and bustle, the restless hurry and ceaseless change of a life so +alien to all my previous habits. At last, he suddenly discovered +that the London air did not agree with me, and I was languishing +for my country home, and must immediately return to Grassdale. + +I laughingly assured him that the case was not so urgent as he +appeared to think it, but I was quite willing to go home if he was. +He replied that he should be obliged to remain a week or two +longer, as he had business that required his presence. + +'Then I will stay with you,' said I. + +'But I can't do with you, Helen,' was his answer: 'as long as you +stay I shall attend to you and neglect my business.' + +'But I won't let you,' I returned; 'now that I know you have +business to attend to, I shall insist upon your attending to it, +and letting me alone; and, to tell the truth, I shall be glad of a +little rest. I can take my rides and walks in the Park as usual; +and your business cannot occupy all your time: I shall see you at +meal-times, and in the evenings at least, and that will be better +than being leagues away and never seeing you at all.' + +'But, my love, I cannot let you stay. How can I settle my affairs +when I know that you are here, neglected -?' + +'I shall not feel myself neglected: while you are doing your duty, +Arthur, I shall never complain of neglect. If you had told me +before, that you had anything to do, it would have been half done +before this; and now you must make up for lost time by redoubled +exertions. Tell me what it is; and I will be your taskmaster, +instead of being a hindrance.' + +'No, no,' persisted the impracticable creature; 'you must go home, +Helen; I must have the satisfaction of knowing that you are safe +and well, though far away. Your bright eyes are faded, and that +tender, delicate bloom has quite deserted your cheek.' + +'That is only with too much gaiety and fatigue.' + +'It is not, I tell you; it is the London air: you are pining for +the fresh breezes of your country home, and you shall feel them +before you are two days older. And remember your situation, +dearest Helen; on your health, you know, depends the health, if not +the life, of our future hope.' + +'Then you really wish to get rid of me?' + +'Positively, I do; and I will take you down myself to Grassdale, +and then return. I shall not be absent above a week or fortnight +at most.' + +'But if I must go, I will go alone: if you must stay, it is +needless to waste your time in the journey there and back.' + +But he did not like the idea of sending me alone. + +'Why, what helpless creature do you take me for,' I replied, 'that +you cannot trust me to go a hundred miles in our own carriage, with +our own footman and a maid to attend me? If you come with me I +shall assuredly keep you. But tell me, Arthur, what is this +tiresome business; and why did you never mention it before?' + +'It is only a little business with my lawyer,' said he; and he told +me something about a piece of property he wanted to sell, in order +to pay off a part of the incumbrances on his estate; but either the +account was a little confused, or I was rather dull of +comprehension, for I could not clearly understand how that should +keep him in town a fortnight after me. Still less can I now +comprehend how it should keep him a month, for it is nearly that +time since I left him, and no signs of his return as yet. In every +letter he promises to be with me in a few days, and every time +deceives me, or deceives himself. His excuses are vague and +insufficient. I cannot doubt that he has got among his former +companions again. Oh, why did I leave him! I wish - I do +intensely wish he would return! + +June 29th. - No Arthur yet; and for many days I have been looking +and longing in vain for a letter. His letters, when they come, are +kind, if fair words and endearing epithets can give them a claim to +the title - but very short, and full of trivial excuses and +promises that I cannot trust; and yet how anxiously I look forward +to them I how eagerly I open and devour one of those little, +hastily-scribbled returns for the three or four long letters, +hitherto unanswered, he has had from me! + +Oh, it is cruel to leave me so long alone! He knows I have no one +but Rachel to speak to, for we have no neighbours here, except the +Hargraves, whose residence I can dimly descry from these upper +windows embosomed among those low, woody hills beyond the Dale. I +was glad when I learnt that Milicent was so near us; and her +company would be a soothing solace to me now; but she is still in +town with her mother; there is no one at the Grove but little +Esther and her French governess, for Walter is always away. I saw +that paragon of manly perfections in London: he seemed scarcely to +merit the eulogiums of his mother and sister, though he certainly +appeared more conversable and agreeable than Lord Lowborough, more +candid and high-minded than Mr. Grimsby, and more polished and +gentlemanly than Mr. Hattersley, Arthur's only other friend whom he +judged fit to introduce to me. - Oh, Arthur, why won't you come? +why won't you write to me at least? You talked about my health: +how can you expect me to gather bloom and vigour here, pining in +solitude and restless anxiety from day to day? - It would serve you +right to come back and find my good looks entirely wasted away. I +would beg my uncle and aunt, or my brother, to come and see me, but +I do not like to complain of my loneliness to them, and indeed +loneliness is the least of my sufferings. But what is he, doing - +what is it that keeps him away? It is this ever-recurring +question, and the horrible suggestions it raises, that distract me. + +July 3rd. - My last bitter letter has wrung from him an answer at +last, and a rather longer one than usual; but still I don't know +what to make of it. He playfully abuses me for the gall and +vinegar of my latest effusion, tells me I can have no conception of +the multitudinous engagements that keep him away, but avers that, +in spite of them all, he will assuredly be with me before the close +of next week; though it is impossible for a man so circumstanced as +he is to fix the precise day of his return: meantime he exhorts me +to the exercise of patience, 'that first of woman's virtues,' and +desires me to remember the saying, 'Absence makes the heart grow +fonder,' and comfort myself with the assurance that the longer he +stays away the better he shall love me when he returns; and till he +does return, he begs I will continue to write to him constantly, +for, though he is sometimes too idle and often too busy to answer +my letters as they come, he likes to receive them daily; and if I +fulfil my threat of punishing his seeming neglect by ceasing to +write, he shall be so angry that he will do his utmost to forget +me. He adds this piece of intelligence respecting poor Milicent +Hargrave: + +'Your little friend Milicent is likely, before long, to follow your +example, and take upon her the yoke of matrimony in conjunction +with a friend of mine. Hattersley, you know, has not yet fulfilled +his direful threat of throwing his precious person away on the +first old maid that chose to evince a tenderness for him; but he +still preserves a resolute determination to see himself a married +man before the year is out. "Only," said he to me, "I must have +somebody that will let me have my own way in everything - not like +your wife, Huntingdon: she is a charming creature, but she looks +as if she had a will of her own, and could play the vixen upon +occasion" (I thought "you're right there, man," but I didn't say +so). "I must have some good, quiet soul that will let me just do +what I like and go where I like, keep at home or stay away, without +a word of reproach or complaint; for I can't do with being +bothered." "Well," said I, "I know somebody that will suit you to +a tee, if you don't care for money, and that's Hargrave's sister, +Milicent." He desired to be introduced to her forthwith, for he +said he had plenty of the needful himself, or should have when his +old governor chose to quit the stage. So you see, Helen, I have +managed pretty well, both for your friend and mine.' + +Poor Milicent! But I cannot imagine she will ever be led to accept +such a suitor - one so repugnant to all her ideas of a man to be +honoured and loved. + +5th. - Alas! I was mistaken. I have got a long letter from her +this morning, telling me she is already engaged, and expects to be +married before the close of the month. + +'I hardly know what to say about it,' she writes, 'or what to +think. To tell you the truth, Helen, I don't like the thoughts of +it at all. If I am to be Mr. Hattersley's wife, I must try to love +him; and I do try with all my might; but I have made very little +progress yet; and the worst symptom of the case is, that the +further he is from me the better I like him: he frightens me with +his abrupt manners and strange hectoring ways, and I dread the +thoughts of marrying him. "Then why have you accepted him?" you +will ask; and I didn't know I had accepted him; but mamma tells me +I have, and he seems to think so too. I certainly didn't mean to +do so; but I did not like to give him a flat refusal, for fear +mamma should be grieved and angry (for I knew she wished me to +marry him), and I wanted to talk to her first about it: So I gave +him what I thought was an evasive, half negative answer; but she +says it was as good as an acceptance, and he would think me very +capricious if I were to attempt to draw back - and indeed I was so +confused and frightened at the moment, I can hardly tell what I +said. And next time I saw him, he accosted me in all confidence as +his affianced bride, and immediately began to settle matters with +mamma. I had not courage to contradict them then, and how can I do +it now? I cannot; they would think me mad. Besides, mamma is so +delighted with the idea of the match; she thinks she has managed so +well for me; and I cannot bear to disappoint her. I do object +sometimes, and tell her what I feel, but you don't know how she +talks. Mr. Hattersley, you know, is the son of a rich banker, and +as Esther and I have no fortunes, and Walter very little, our dear +mamma is very anxious to see us all well married, that is, united +to rich partners. It is not my idea of being well married, but she +means it all for the best. She says when I am safe off her hands +it will be such a relief to her mind; and she assures me it will be +a good thing for the family as well as for me. Even Walter is +pleased at the prospect, and when I confessed my reluctance to him, +he said it was all childish nonsense. Do you think it nonsense, +Helen? I should not care if I could see any prospect of being able +to love and admire him, but I can't. There is nothing about him to +hang one's esteem and affection upon; he is so diametrically +opposite to what I imagined my husband should be. Do write to me, +and say all you can to encourage me. Don't attempt to dissuade me, +for my fate is fixed: preparations for the important event are +already going on around me; and don't say a word against Mr. +Hattersley, for I want to think well of him; and though I have +spoken against him myself, it is for the last time: hereafter, I +shall never permit myself to utter a word in his dispraise, however +he may seem to deserve it; and whoever ventures to speak +slightingly of the man I have promised to love, to honour, and +obey, must expect my serious displeasure. After all, I think he is +quite as good as Mr. Huntingdon, if not better; and yet you love +him, and seem to be happy and contented; and perhaps I may manage +as well. You must tell me, if you can, that Mr. Hattersley is +better than he seems - that he is upright, honourable, and open- +hearted - in fact, a perfect diamond in the rough. He may be all +this, but I don't know him. I know only the exterior, and what, I +trust, is the worst part of him.' + +She concludes with 'Good-by, dear Helen. I am waiting anxiously +for your advice - but mind you let it be all on the right side.' + +Alas! poor Milicent, what encouragement can I give you? or what +advice - except that it is better to make a bold stand now, though +at the expense of disappointing and angering both mother and +brother and lover, than to devote your whole life, hereafter, to +misery and vain regret? + +Saturday, 13th. - The week is over, and he is not come. All the +sweet summer is passing away without one breath of pleasure to me +or benefit to him. And I had all along been looking forward to +this season with the fond, delusive hope that we should enjoy it so +sweetly together; and that, with God's help and my exertions, it +would be the means of elevating his mind, and refining his taste to +a due appreciation of the salutary and pure delights of nature, and +peace, and holy love. But now - at evening, when I see the round +red sun sink quietly down behind those woody hills, leaving them +sleeping in a warm, red, golden haze, I only think another lovely +day is lost to him and me; and at morning, when roused by the +flutter and chirp of the sparrows, and the gleeful twitter of the +swallows - all intent upon feeding their young, and full of life +and joy in their own little frames - I open the window to inhale +the balmy, soul-reviving air, and look out upon the lovely +landscape, laughing in dew and sunshine - I too often shame that +glorious scene with tears of thankless misery, because he cannot +feel its freshening influence; and when I wander in the ancient +woods, and meet the little wild flowers smiling in my path, or sit +in the shadow of our noble ash-trees by the water-side, with their +branches gently swaying in the light summer breeze that murmurs +through their feathery foliage - my ears full of that low music +mingled with the dreamy hum of insects, my eyes abstractedly gazing +on the glassy surface of the little lake before me, with the trees +that crowd about its bank, some gracefully bending to kiss its +waters, some rearing their stately heads high above, but stretching +their wide arms over its margin, all faithfully mirrored far, far +down in its glassy depth - though sometimes the images are +partially broken by the sport of aquatic insects, and sometimes, +for a moment, the whole is shivered into trembling fragments by a +transient breeze that sweeps the surface too roughly - still I have +no pleasure; for the greater the happiness that nature sets before +me, the more I lament that he is not here to taste it: the greater +the bliss we might enjoy together, the more I feel our present +wretchedness apart (yes, ours; he must be wretched, though he may +not know it); and the more my senses are pleased, the more my heart +is oppressed; for he keeps it with him confined amid the dust and +smoke of London - perhaps shut up within the walls of his own +abominable club. + +But most of all, at night, when I enter my lonely chamber, and look +out upon the summer moon, 'sweet regent of the sky,' floating above +me in the 'black blue vault of heaven,' shedding a flood of silver +radiance over park, and wood, and water, so pure, so peaceful, so +divine - and think, Where is he now? - what is he doing at this +moment? wholly unconscious of this heavenly scene - perhaps +revelling with his boon companions, perhaps - God help me, it is +too - too much! + +23rd. - Thank heaven, he is come at last! But how altered! flushed +and feverish, listless and languid, his beauty strangely +diminished, his vigour and vivacity quite departed. I have not +upbraided him by word or look; I have not even asked him what he +has been doing. I have not the heart to do it, for I think he is +ashamed of himself-he must be so indeed, and such inquiries could +not fail to be painful to both. My forbearance pleases him - +touches him even, I am inclined to think. He says he is glad to be +home again, and God knows how glad I am to get him back, even as he +is. He lies on the sofa, nearly all day long; and I play and sing +to him for hours together. I write his letters for him, and get +him everything he wants; and sometimes I read to him, and sometimes +I talk, and sometimes only sit by him and soothe him with silent +caresses. I know he does not deserve it; and I fear I am spoiling +him; but this once, I will forgive him, freely and entirely. I +will shame him into virtue if I can, and I will never let him leave +me again. + +He is pleased with my attentions - it may be, grateful for them. +He likes to have me near him: and though he is peevish and testy +with his servants and his dogs, he is gentle and kind to me. What +he would be, if I did not so watchfully anticipate his wants, and +so carefully avoid, or immediately desist from doing anything that +has a tendency to irritate or disturb him, with however little +reason, I cannot tell. How intensely I wish he were worthy of all +this care! Last night, as I sat beside him, with his head in my +lap, passing my fingers through his beautiful curls, this thought +made my eyes overflow with sorrowful tears - as it often does; but +this time, a tear fell on his face and made him look up. He +smiled, but not insultingly. + +'Dear Helen!' he said - 'why do you cry? you know that I love you' +(and he pressed my hand to his feverish lips), 'and what more could +you desire?' + +'Only, Arthur, that you would love yourself as truly and as +faithfully as you are loved by me.' + +'That would be hard, indeed!' he replied, tenderly squeezing my +hand. + +August 24th. - Arthur is himself again, as lusty and reckless, as +light of heart and head as ever, and as restless and hard to amuse +as a spoilt child, and almost as full of mischief too, especially +when wet weather keeps him within doors. I wish he had something +to do, some useful trade, or profession, or employment - anything +to occupy his head or his hands for a few hours a day, and give him +something besides his own pleasure to think about. If he would +play the country gentleman and attend to the farm - but that he +knows nothing about, and won't give his mind to consider, - or if +he would take up with some literary study, or learn to draw or to +play - as he is so fond of music, I often try to persuade him to +learn the piano, but he is far too idle for such an undertaking: +he has no more idea of exerting himself to overcome obstacles than +he has of restraining his natural appetites; and these two things +are the ruin of him. I lay them both to the charge of his harsh +yet careless father, and his madly indulgent mother. - If ever I am +a mother I will zealously strive against this crime of over- +indulgence. I can hardly give it a milder name when I think of the +evils it brings. + +Happily, it will soon be the shooting season, and then, if the +weather permit, he will find occupation enough in the pursuit and +destruction of the partridges and pheasants: we have no grouse, or +he might have been similarly occupied at this moment, instead of +lying under the acacia-tree pulling poor Dash's ears. But he says +it is dull work shooting alone; he must have a friend or two to +help him. + +'Let them be tolerably decent then, Arthur,' said I. The word +'friend' in his mouth makes me shudder: I know it was some of his +'friends' that induced him to stay behind me in London, and kept +him away so long: indeed, from what he has unguardedly told me, or +hinted from time to time, I cannot doubt that he frequently showed +them my letters, to let them see how fondly his wife watched over +his interests, and how keenly she regretted his absence; and that +they induced him to remain week after week, and to plunge into all +manner of excesses, to avoid being laughed at for a wife-ridden +fool, and, perhaps, to show how far he could venture to go without +danger of shaking the fond creature's devoted attachment. It is a +hateful idea, but I cannot believe it is a false one. + +'Well,' replied he, 'I thought of Lord Lowborough for one; but +there is no possibility of getting him without his better half, our +mutual friend, Annabella; so we must ask them both. You're not +afraid of her, are you, Helen?' he asked, with a mischievous +twinkle in his eyes. + +'Of course not,' I answered: 'why should I? And who besides?' + +'Hargrave for one. He will be glad to come, though his own place +is so near, for he has little enough land of his own to shoot over, +and we can extend our depredations into it, if we like; and he is +thoroughly respectable, you know, Helen - quite a lady's man: and +I think, Grimsby for another: he's a decent, quiet fellow enough. +You'll not object to Grimsby?' + +'I hate him: but, however, if you wish it, I'll try to endure his +presence for a while.' + +'All a prejudice, Helen, a mere woman's antipathy.' + +'No; I have solid grounds for my dislike. And is that all?' + +'Why, yes, I think so. Hattersley will be too busy billing and +cooing, with his bride to have much time to spare for guns and dogs +at present,' he replied. And that reminds me, that I have had +several letters from Milicent since her marriage, and that she +either is, or pretends to be, quite reconciled to her lot. She +professes to have discovered numberless virtues and perfections in +her husband, some of which, I fear, less partial eyes would fail to +distinguish, though they sought them carefully with tears; and now +that she is accustomed to his loud voice, and abrupt, uncourteous +manners, she affirms she finds no difficulty in loving him as a +wife should do, and begs I will burn that letter wherein she spoke +so unadvisedly against him. So that I trust she may yet be happy; +but, if she is, it will be entirely the reward of her own goodness +of heart; for had she chosen to consider herself the victim of +fate, or of her mother's worldly wisdom, she might have been +thoroughly miserable; and if, for duty's sake, she had not made +every effort to love her husband, she would, doubtless, have hated +him to the end of her days. + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + + +Sept. 23rd. - Our guests arrived about three weeks ago. Lord and +Lady Lowborough have now been married above eight months; and I +will do the lady the credit to say that her husband is quite an +altered man; his looks, his spirits, and his temper, are all +perceptibly changed for the better since I last saw him. But there +is room for improvement still. He is not always cheerful, nor +always contented, and she often complains of his ill-humour, which, +however, of all persons, she ought to be the last to accuse him of, +as he never displays it against her, except for such conduct as +would provoke a saint. He adores her still, and would go to the +world's end to please her. She knows her power, and she uses it +too; but well knowing that to wheedle and coax is safer than to +command, she judiciously tempers her despotism with flattery and +blandishments enough to make him deem himself a favoured and a +happy man. + +But she has a way of tormenting him, in which I am a fellow- +sufferer, or might be, if I chose to regard myself as such. This +is by openly, but not too glaringly, coquetting with Mr. +Huntingdon, who is quite willing to be her partner in the game; but +I don't care for it, because, with him, I know there is nothing but +personal vanity, and a mischievous desire to excite my jealousy, +and, perhaps, to torment his friend; and she, no doubt, is actuated +by much the same motives; only, there is more of malice and less of +playfulness in her manoeuvres. It is obviously, therefore, my +interest to disappoint them both, as far as I am concerned, by +preserving a cheerful, undisturbed serenity throughout; and, +accordingly, I endeavour to show the fullest confidence in my +husband, and the greatest indifference to the arts of my attractive +guest. I have never reproached the former but once, and that was +for laughing at Lord Lowborough's depressed and anxious countenance +one evening, when they had both been particularly provoking; and +then, indeed, I said a good deal on the subject, and rebuked him +sternly enough; but he only laughed, and said, - 'You can feel for +him, Helen, can't you?' + +'I can feel for anyone that is unjustly treated,' I replied, 'and I +can feel for those that injure them too.' + +'Why, Helen, you are as jealous as he is!' cried he, laughing still +more; and I found it impossible to convince him of his mistake. +So, from that time, I have carefully refrained from any notice of +the subject whatever, and left Lord Lowborough to take care of +himself. He either has not the sense or the power to follow my +example, though he does try to conceal his uneasiness as well as he +can; but still, it will appear in his face, and his ill-humour will +peep out at intervals, though not in the expression of open +resentment - they never go far enough for that. But I confess I do +feel jealous at times, most painfully, bitterly so; when she sings +and plays to him, and he hangs over the instrument, and dwells upon +her voice with no affected interest; for then I know he is really +delighted, and I have no power to awaken similar fervour. I can +amuse and please him with my simple songs, but not delight him +thus. + +28th. - Yesterday, we all went to the Grove, Mr. Hargrave's much- +neglected home. His mother frequently asks us over, that she may +have the pleasure of her dear Walter's company; and this time she +had invited us to a dinner-party, and got together as many of the +country gentry as were within reach to meet us. The entertainment +was very well got up; but I could not help thinking about the cost +of it all the time. I don't like Mrs. Hargrave; she is a hard, +pretentious, worldly-minded woman. She has money enough to live +very comfortably, if she only knew how to use it judiciously, and +had taught her son to do the same; but she is ever straining to +keep up appearances, with that despicable pride that shuns the +semblance of poverty as of a shameful crime. She grinds her +dependents, pinches her servants, and deprives even her daughters +and herself of the real comforts of life, because she will not +consent to yield the palm in outward show to those who have three +times her wealth; and, above all, because she is determined her +cherished son shall be enabled to 'hold up his head with the +highest gentlemen in the land.' This same son, I imagine, is a man +of expensive habits, no reckless spendthrift and no abandoned +sensualist, but one who likes to have 'everything handsome about +him,' and to go to a certain length in youthful indulgences, not so +much to gratify his own tastes as to maintain his reputation as a +man of fashion in the world, and a respectable fellow among his own +lawless companions; while he is too selfish to consider how many +comforts might be obtained for his fond mother and sisters with the +money he thus wastes upon himself: as long as they can contrive to +make a respectable appearance once a year, when they come to town, +he gives himself little concern about their private stintings and +struggles at home. This is a harsh judgment to form of 'dear, +noble-minded, generous-hearted Walter,' but I fear it is too just. + +Mrs. Hargrave's anxiety to make good matches for her daughters is +partly the cause, and partly the result, of these errors: by +making a figure in the world, and showing them off to advantage, +she hopes to obtain better chances for them; and by thus living +beyond her legitimate means, and lavishing so much on their +brother, she renders them portionless, and makes them burdens on +her hands. Poor Milicent, I fear, has already fallen a sacrifice +to the manoeuvrings of this mistaken mother, who congratulates +herself on having so satisfactorily discharged her maternal duty, +and hopes to do as well for Esther. But Esther is a child as yet, +a little merry romp of fourteen: as honest-hearted, and as +guileless and simple as her sister, but with a fearless spirit of +her own, that I fancy her mother will find some difficulty in +bending to her purposes. + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + + +October 9th. - It was on the night of the 4th, a little after tea, +that Annabella had been singing and playing, with Arthur as usual +at her side: she had ended her song, but still she sat at the +instrument; and he stood leaning on the back of her chair, +conversing in scarcely audible tones, with his face in very close +proximity with hers. I looked at Lord Lowborough. He was at the +other end of the room, talking with Messrs. Hargrave and Grimsby; +but I saw him dart towards his lady and his host a quick, impatient +glance, expressive of intense disquietude, at which Grimsby smiled. +Determined to interrupt the TETE-E-TETE, I rose, and, selecting a +piece of music from the music stand, stepped up to the piano, +intending to ask the lady to play it; but I stood transfixed and +speechless on seeing her seated there, listening, with what seemed +an exultant smile on her flushed face to his soft murmurings, with +her hand quietly surrendered to his clasp. The blood rushed first +to my heart, and then to my head; for there was more than this: +almost at the moment of my approach, he cast a hurried glance over +his shoulder towards the other occupants of the room, and then +ardently pressed the unresisting hand to his lips. On raising his +eyes, he beheld me, and dropped them again, confounded and +dismayed. She saw me too, and confronted me with a look of hard +defiance. I laid the music on the piano, and retired. I felt ill; +but I did not leave the room: happily, it was getting late, and +could not be long before the company dispersed. + +I went to the fire, and leant my head against the chimney-piece. +In a minute or two, some one asked me if I felt unwell. I did not +answer; indeed, at the time, I knew not what was said; but I +mechanically looked up, and saw Mr. Hargrave standing beside me on +the rug. + +'Shall I get you a glass of wine?' said he. + +'No, thank you,' I replied; and, turning from him, I looked round. +Lady Lowborough was beside her husband, bending over him as he sat, +with her hand on his shoulder, softly talking and smiling in his +face; and Arthur was at the table, turning over a book of +engravings. I seated myself in the nearest chair; and Mr. +Hargrave, finding his services were not desired, judiciously +withdrew. Shortly after, the company broke up, and, as the guests +were retiring to their rooms, Arthur approached me, smiling with +the utmost assurance. + +'Are you very angry, Helen?' murmured he. + +'This is no jest, Arthur,' said I, seriously, but as calmly as I +could - 'unless you think it a jest to lose my affection for ever.' + +'What! so bitter?' he exclaimed, laughingly, clasping my hand +between both his; but I snatched it away, in indignation - almost +in disgust, for he was obviously affected with wine. + +'Then I must go down on my knees,' said he; and kneeling before me, +with clasped hands, uplifted in mock humiliation, he continued +imploringly - 'Forgive me, Helen - dear Helen, forgive me, and I'll +never do it again!' and, burying his face in his handkerchief, he +affected to sob aloud. + +Leaving him thus employed, I took my candle, and, slipping quietly +from the room, hastened up-stairs as fast as I could. But he soon +discovered that I had left him, and, rushing up after me, caught me +in his arms, just as I had entered the chamber, and was about to +shut the door in his face. + +'No, no, by heaven, you sha'n't escape me so!' he cried. Then, +alarmed at my agitation, he begged me not to put myself in such a +passion, telling me I was white in the face, and should kill myself +if I did so. + +'Let me go, then,' I murmured; and immediately he released me - and +it was well he did, for I was really in a passion. I sank into the +easy-chair and endeavoured to compose myself, for I wanted to speak +to him calmly. He stood beside me, but did not venture to touch me +or to speak for a few seconds; then, approaching a little nearer, +he dropped on one knee - not in mock humility, but to bring himself +nearer my level, and leaning his hand on the arm of the chair, he +began in a low voice: 'It is all nonsense, Helen - a jest, a mere +nothing - not worth a thought. Will you never learn,' he continued +more boldly, 'that you have nothing to fear from me? that I love +you wholly and entirely? - or if,' he added with a lurking smile, +'I ever give a thought to another, you may well spare it, for those +fancies are here and gone like a flash of lightning, while my love +for you burns on steadily, and for ever, like the sun. You little +exorbitant tyrant, will not that -?' + +'Be quiet a moment, will you, Arthur?' said I, 'and listen to me - +and don't think I'm in a jealous fury: I am perfectly calm. Feel +my hand.' And I gravely extended it towards him - but closed it +upon his with an energy that seemed to disprove the assertion, and +made him smile. 'You needn't smile, sir,' said I, still tightening +my grasp, and looking steadfastly on him till he almost quailed +before me. 'You may think it all very fine, Mr. Huntingdon, to +amuse yourself with rousing my jealousy; but take care you don't +rouse my hate instead. And when you have once extinguished my +love, you will find it no easy matter to kindle it again.' + +'Well, Helen, I won't repeat the offence. But I meant nothing by +it, I assure you. I had taken too much wine, and I was scarcely +myself at the time.' + +'You often take too much; and that is another practice I detest.' +He looked up astonished at my warmth. 'Yes,' I continued; 'I never +mentioned it before, because I was ashamed to do so; but now I'll +tell you that it distresses me, and may disgust me, if you go on +and suffer the habit to grow upon you, as it will if you don't +check it in time. But the whole system of your conduct to Lady +Lowborough is not referable to wine; and this night you knew +perfectly well what you were doing.' + +'Well, I'm sorry for it,' replied he, with more of sulkiness than +contrition: 'what more would you have?' + +'You are sorry that I saw you, no doubt,' I answered coldly. + +'If you had not seen me,' he muttered, fixing his eyes on the +carpet, 'it would have done no harm.' + +My heart felt ready to burst; but I resolutely swallowed back my +emotion, and answered calmly, + +'You think not?' + +'No,' replied he, boldly. 'After all, what have I done? It's +nothing - except as you choose to make it a subject of accusation +and distress.' + +'What would Lord Lowborough, your friend, think, if he knew all? or +what would you yourself think, if he or any other had acted the +same part to me, throughout, as you have to Annabella?' + +'I would blow his brains out.' + +'Well, then, Arthur, how can you call it nothing - an offence for +which you would think yourself justified in blowing another man's +brains out? Is it nothing to trifle with your friend's feelings +and mine - to endeavour to steal a woman's affections from her +husband - what he values more than his gold, and therefore what it +is more dishonest to take? Are the marriage vows a jest; and is it +nothing to make it your sport to break them, and to tempt another +to do the same? Can I love a man that does such things, and coolly +maintains it is nothing?' + +'You are breaking your marriage vows yourself,' said he, +indignantly rising and pacing to and fro. 'You promised to honour +and obey me, and now you attempt to hector over me, and threaten +and accuse me, and call me worse than a highwayman. If it were not +for your situation, Helen, I would not submit to it so tamely. I +won't be dictated to by a woman, though she be my wife.' + +'What will you do then? Will you go on till I hate you, and then +accuse me of breaking my vows?' + +He was silent a. moment, and then replied: 'You never will hate +me.' Returning and resuming his former position at my feet, he +repeated more vehemently - 'You cannot hate me as long as I love +you.' + +'But how can I believe that you love me, if you continue to act in +this way? Just imagine yourself in my place: would you think I +loved you, if I did so? Would you believe my protestations, and +honour and trust me under such circumstances? ' + +'The cases are different,' he replied. 'It is a woman's nature to +be constant - to love one and one only, blindly, tenderly, and for +ever - bless them, dear creatures! and you above them all; but you +must have some commiseration for us, Helen; you must give us a +little more licence, for, as Shakespeare has it - + + +However we do praise ourselves, +Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm, +More longing, wavering, sooner lost and won +Than women's are.' + + +'Do you mean by that, that your fancies are lost to me, and won by +Lady Lowborough?' + +'No! heaven is my witness that I think her mere dust and ashes in +comparison with you, and shall continue to think so, unless you +drive me from you by too much severity. She is a daughter of +earth; you are an angel of heaven; only be not too austere in your +divinity, and remember that I am a poor, fallible mortal. Come +now, Helen; won't you forgive me?' he said, gently taking my hand, +and looking up with an innocent smile. + +'If I do, you will repeat the offence.' + +'I swear by - ' + +'Don't swear; I'll believe your word as well as your oath. I wish +I could have confidence in either.' + +'Try me, then, Helen: only trust and pardon me this once, and you +shall see! Come, I am in hell's torments till you speak the word.' + +I did not speak it, but I put my hand on his shoulder and kissed +his forehead, and then burst into tears. He embraced me tenderly; +and we have been good friends ever since. He has been decently +temperate at table, and well-conducted towards Lady Lowborough. +The first day he held himself aloof from her, as far as he could +without any flagrant breach of hospitality: since that he has been +friendly and civil, but nothing more - in my presence, at least, +nor, I think, at any other time; for she seems haughty and +displeased, and Lord Lowborough is manifestly more cheerful, and +more cordial towards his host than before. But I shall be glad +when they are gone, for I have so little love for Annabella that it +is quite a task to be civil to her, and as she is the only woman +here besides myself, we are necessarily thrown so much together. +Next time Mrs. Hargrave calls I shall hail her advent as quite a +relief. I have a good mind to ask Arthur's leave to invite the old +lady to stay with us till our guests depart. I think I will. She +will take it as a kind attention, and, though I have little relish +for her society, she will be truly welcome as a third to stand +between Lady Lowborough and me. + +The first time the latter and I were alone together, after that +unhappy evening, was an hour or two after breakfast on the +following day, when the gentlemen were gone out, after the usual +time spent in the writing of letters, the reading of newspapers, +and desultory conversation. We sat silent for two or three +minutes. She was busy with her work, and I was running over the +columns of a paper from which I had extracted all the pith some +twenty minutes before. It was a moment of painful embarrassment to +me, and I thought it must be infinitely more so to her; but it +seems I was mistaken. She was the first to speak; and, smiling +with the coolest assurance, she began, - + +'Your husband was merry last night, Helen: is he often so?' + +My blood boiled in my face; but it was better she should seem to +attribute his conduct to this than to anything else. + +'No,' replied I, 'and never will be so again, I trust.' + +'You gave him a curtain lecture, did you?' + +'No! but I told him I disliked such conduct, and he promised me not +to repeat it.' + +'I thought he looked rather subdued this morning,' she continued; +'and you, Helen? you've been weeping, I see - that's our grand +resource, you know. But doesn't it make your eyes smart? and do +you always find it to answer?' + +'I never cry for effect; nor can I conceive how any one can.' + +'Well, I don't know: I never had occasion to try it; but I think +if Lowborough were to commit such improprieties, I'd make him cry. +I don't wonder at your being angry, for I'm sure I'd give my +husband a lesson he would not soon forget for a lighter offence +than that. But then he never will do anything of the kind; for I +keep him in too good order for that.' + +'Are you sure you don't arrogate too much of the credit to +yourself. Lord Lowborough was quite as remarkable for his +abstemiousness for some time before you married him, as he is now, +I have heard.' + +'Oh, about the wine you mean - yes, he's safe enough for that. And +as to looking askance to another woman, he's safe enough for that +too, while I live, for he worships the very ground I tread on.' + +'Indeed! and are you sure you deserve it?' + +'Why, as to that, I can't say: you know we're all fallible +creatures, Helen; we none of us deserve to be worshipped. But are +you sure your darling Huntingdon deserves all the love you give to +him?' + +I knew not what to answer to this. I was burning with anger; but I +suppressed all outward manifestations of it, and only bit my lip +and pretended to arrange my work. + +'At any rate,' resumed she, pursuing her advantage, 'you can +console yourself with the assurance that you are worthy of all the +love he gives to you.' + +'You flatter me,' said I; 'but, at least, I can try to be worthy of +it.' And then I turned the conversation. + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + + +December 25th. - Last Christmas I was a bride, with a heart +overflowing with present bliss, and full of ardent hopes for the +future, though not unmingled with foreboding fears. Now I am a +wife: my bliss is sobered, but not destroyed; my hopes diminished, +but not departed; my fears increased, but not yet thoroughly +confirmed; and, thank heaven, I am a mother too. God has sent me a +soul to educate for heaven, and give me a new and calmer bliss, and +stronger hopes to comfort me. + +Dec. 25th, 1823. - Another year is gone. My little Arthur lives +and thrives. He is healthy, but not robust, full of gentle +playfulness and vivacity, already affectionate, and susceptible of +passions and emotions it will be long ere he can find words to +express. He has won his father's heart at last; and now my +constant terror is, lest he should be ruined by that father's +thoughtless indulgence. But I must beware of my own weakness too, +for I never knew till now how strong are a parent's temptations to +spoil an only child. + +I have need of consolation in my son, for (to this silent paper I +may confess it) I have but little in my husband. I love him still; +and he loves me, in his own way - but oh, how different from the +love I could have given, and once had hoped to receive! How little +real sympathy there exists between us; how many of my thoughts and +feelings are gloomily cloistered within my own mind; how much of my +higher and better self is indeed unmarried - doomed either to +harden and sour in the sunless shade of solitude, or to quite +degenerate and fall away for lack of nutriment in this unwholesome +soil! But, I repeat, I have no right to complain; only let me +state the truth - some of the truth, at least, - and see hereafter +if any darker truths will blot these pages. We have now been full +two years united; the 'romance' of our attachment must be worn +away. Surely I have now got down to the lowest gradation in +Arthur's affection, and discovered all the evils of his nature: if +there be any further change, it must be for the better, as we +become still more accustomed to each other; surely we shall find no +lower depth than this. And, if so, I can bear it well - as well, +at least, as I have borne it hitherto. + +Arthur is not what is commonly called a bad man: he has many good +qualities; but he is a man without self-restraint or lofty +aspirations, a lover of pleasure, given up to animal enjoyments: +he is not a bad husband, but his notions of matrimonial duties and +comforts are not my notions. Judging from appearances, his idea of +a wife is a thing to love one devotedly, and to stay at home to +wait upon her husband, and amuse him and minister to his comfort in +every possible way, while he chooses to stay with her; and, when he +is absent, to attend to his interests, domestic or otherwise, and +patiently wait his return, no matter how he may be occupied in the +meantime. + +Early in spring he announced his intention of going to London: his +affairs there demanded his attendance, he said, and he could refuse +it no longer. He expressed his regret at having to leave me, but +hoped I would amuse myself with the baby till he returned. + +'But why leave me?' I said. 'I can go with you: I can be ready at +any time.' + +'You would not take that child to town?' + +'Yes; why not?' + +The thing was absurd: the air of the town would be certain to +disagree with him, and with me as a nurse; the late hours and +London habits would not suit me under such circumstances; and +altogether he assured me that it would be excessively troublesome, +injurious, and unsafe. I over-ruled his objections as well as I +could, for I trembled at the thoughts of his going alone, and would +sacrifice almost anything for myself, much even for my child, to +prevent it; but at length he told me, plainly, and somewhat +testily, that he could not do with me: he was worn out with the +baby's restless nights, and must have some repose. I proposed +separate apartments; but it would not do. + +'The truth is, Arthur,' I said at last, 'you are weary of my +company, and determined not to have me with you. You might as well +have said so at once.' + +He denied it; but I immediately left the room, and flew to the +nursery, to hide my feelings, if I could not soothe them, there. + +I was too much hurt to express any further dissatisfaction with his +plans, or at all to refer to the subject again, except for the +necessary arrangements concerning his departure and the conduct of +affairs during his absence, till the day before he went, when I +earnestly exhorted him to take care of himself and keep out of the +way of temptation. He laughed at my anxiety, but assured me there +was no cause for it, and promised to attend to my advice. + +'I suppose it is no use asking you to fix a day for your return?' +said I. + +'Why, no; I hardly can, under the circumstances; but be assured, +love, I shall not be long away.' + +'I don't wish to keep you a prisoner at home,' I replied; 'I should +not grumble at your staying whole months away - if you can be happy +so long without me - provided I knew you were safe; but I don't +like the idea of your being there among your friends, as you call +them.' + +'Pooh, pooh, you silly girl! Do you think I can't take care of +myself?' + +'You didn't last time. But THIS time, Arthur,' I added, earnestly, +'show me that you can, and teach me that I need not fear to trust +you!' + +He promised fair, but in such a manner as we seek to soothe a +child. And did he keep his promise? No; and henceforth I can +never trust his word. Bitter, bitter confession! Tears blind me +while I write. It was early in March that he went, and he did not +return till July. This time he did not trouble himself to make +excuses as before, and his letters were less frequent, and shorter +and less affectionate, especially after the first few weeks: they +came slower and slower, and more terse and careless every time. +But still, when I omitted writing, he complained of my neglect. +When I wrote sternly and coldly, as I confess I frequently did at +the last, he blamed my harshness, and said it was enough to scare +him from his home: when I tried mild persuasion, he was a little +more gentle in his replies, and promised to return; but I had +learnt, at last, to disregard his promises. + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + + + +Those were four miserable months, alternating between intense +anxiety, despair, and indignation, pity for him and pity for +myself. And yet, through all, I was not wholly comfortless: I had +my darling, sinless, inoffensive little one to console me; but even +this consolation was embittered by the constantly-recurring +thought, 'How shall I teach him hereafter to respect his father, +and yet to avoid his example?' + +But I remembered that I had brought all these afflictions, in a +manner wilfully, upon myself; and I determined to bear them without +a murmur. At the same time I resolved not to give myself up to +misery for the transgressions of another, and endeavoured to divert +myself as much as I could; and besides the companionship of my +child, and my dear, faithful Rachel, who evidently guessed my +sorrows and felt for them, though she was too discreet to allude to +them, I had my books and pencil, my domestic affairs, and the +welfare and comfort of Arthur's poor tenants and labourers to +attend to: and I sometimes sought and obtained amusement in the +company of my young friend Esther Hargrave: occasionally I rode +over to see her, and once or twice I had her to spend the day with +me at the Manor. Mrs. Hargrave did not visit London that season: +having no daughter to marry, she thought it as well to stay at home +and economise; and, for a wonder, Walter came down to join her in +the beginning of June, and stayed till near the close of August. + +The first time I saw him was on a sweet, warm evening, when I was +sauntering in the park with little Arthur and Rachel, who is head- +nurse and lady's-maid in one - for, with my secluded life and +tolerably active habits, I require but little attendance, and as +she had nursed me and coveted to nurse my child, and was moreover +so very trustworthy, I preferred committing the important charge to +her, with a young nursery-maid under her directions, to engaging +any one else: besides, it saves money; and since I have made +acquaintance with Arthur's affairs, I have learnt to regard that as +no trifling recommendation; for, by my own desire, nearly the whole +of the income of my fortune is devoted, for years to come, to the +paying off of his debts, and the money he contrives to squander +away in London is incomprehensible. But to return to Mr. Hargrave. +I was standing with Rachel beside the water, amusing the laughing +baby in her arms with a twig of willow laden with golden catkins, +when, greatly to my surprise, he entered the park, mounted on his +costly black hunter, and crossed over the grass to meet me. He +saluted me with a very fine compliment, delicately worded, and +modestly delivered withal, which he had doubtless concocted as he +rode along. He told me he had brought a message from his mother, +who, as he was riding that way, had desired him to call at the +Manor and beg the pleasure of my company to a friendly family +dinner to-morrow. + +'There is no one to meet but ourselves,' said he; 'but Esther is +very anxious to see you; and my mother fears you will feel solitary +in this great house so much alone, and wishes she could persuade +you to give her the pleasure of your company more frequently, and +make yourself at home in our more humble dwelling, till Mr. +Huntingdon's return shall render this a little more conducive to +your comfort.' + +'She is very kind,' I answered, 'but I am not alone, you see; - and +those whose time is fully occupied seldom complain of solitude.' + +'Will you not come to-morrow, then? She will be sadly disappointed +if you refuse.' + +I did not relish being thus compassionated for my loneliness; but, +however, I promised to come. + +'What a sweet evening this is!' observed he, looking round upon the +sunny park, with its imposing swell and slope, its placid water, +and majestic clumps of trees. 'And what a paradise you live in!' + +'It is a lovely evening,' answered I; and I sighed to think how +little I had felt its loveliness, and how little of a paradise +sweet Grassdale was to me - how still less to the voluntary exile +from its scenes. Whether Mr. Hargrave divined my thoughts, I +cannot tell, but, with a half-hesitating, sympathising seriousness +of tone and manner, he asked if I had lately heard from Mr. +Huntingdon. + +'Not lately,' I replied. + +'I thought not,' he muttered, as if to himself, looking +thoughtfully on the ground. + +'Are you not lately returned from London?' I asked. + +'Only yesterday.' + +'And did you see him there?' + +'Yes - I saw him.' + +'Was he well?' + +'Yes - that is,' said he, with increasing hesitation and an +appearance of suppressed indignation, 'he was as well as - as he +deserved to be, but under circumstances I should have deemed +incredible for a man so favoured as he is.' He here looked up and +pointed the sentence with a serious bow to me. I suppose my face +was crimson. + +'Pardon me, Mrs. Huntingdon,' he continued, 'but I cannot suppress +my indignation when I behold such infatuated blindness and +perversion of taste; - but, perhaps, you are not aware - ' He +paused. + +'I am aware of nothing, sir - except that he delays his coming +longer than I expected; and if, at present, he prefers the society +of his friends to that of his wife, and the dissipations of the +town to the quiet of country life, I suppose I have those friends +to thank for it. Their tastes and occupations are similar to his, +and I don't see why his conduct should awaken either their +indignation or surprise.' + +'You wrong me cruelly,' answered he. 'I have shared but little of +Mr. Huntingdon's society for the last few weeks; and as for his +tastes and occupations, they are quite beyond me - lonely wanderer +as I am. Where I have but sipped and tasted, he drains the cup to +the dregs; and if ever for a moment I have sought to drown the +voice of reflection in madness and folly, or if I have wasted too +much of my time and talents among reckless and dissipated +companions, God knows I would gladly renounce them entirely and for +ever, if I had but half the blessings that man so thanklessly casts +behind his back - but half the inducements to virtue and domestic, +orderly habits that he despises - but such a home, and such a +partner to share it! It is infamous!' he muttered, between his +teeth. 'And don't think, Mrs. Huntingdon,' he added aloud, 'that I +could be guilty of inciting him to persevere in his present +pursuits: on the contrary, I have remonstrated with him again and +again; I have frequently expressed my surprise at his conduct, and +reminded him of his duties and his privileges - but to no purpose; +he only - ' + +'Enough, Mr. Hargrave; you ought to be aware that whatever my +husband's faults may be, it can only aggravate the evil for me to +hear them from a stranger's lips.' + +'Am I then a stranger?' said he in a sorrowful tone. 'I am your +nearest neighbour, your son's godfather, and your husband's friend; +may I not be yours also?' + +'Intimate acquaintance must precede real friendship; I know but +little of you, Mr. Hargrave, except from report.' + +'Have you then forgotten the six or seven weeks I spent under your +roof last autumn? I have not forgotten them. And I know enough of +you, Mrs. Huntingdon, to think that your husband is the most +enviable man in the world, and I should be the next if you would +deem me worthy of your friendship.' + +'If you knew more of me, you would not think it, or if you did you +would not say it, and expect me to be flattered by the compliment.' + +I stepped backward as I spoke. He saw that I wished the +conversation to end; and immediately taking the hint, he gravely +bowed, wished me good-evening, and turned his horse towards the +road. He appeared grieved and hurt at my unkind reception of his +sympathising overtures. I was not sure that I had done right in +speaking so harshly to him; but, at the time, I had felt irritated +- almost insulted by his conduct; it seemed as if he was presuming +upon the absence and neglect of my husband, and insinuating even +more than the truth against him. + +Rachel had moved on, during our conversation, to some yards' +distance. He rode up to her, and asked to see the child. He took +it carefully into his arms, looked upon it with an almost paternal +smile, and I heard him say, as I approached, - + +'And this, too, he has forsaken!' + +He then tenderly kissed it, and restored it to the gratified nurse. + +'Are you fond of children, Mr. Hargrave?' said I, a little softened +towards him. + +'Not in general,' he replied, 'but that is such a sweet child, and +so like its mother,' he added in a lower tone. + +'You are mistaken there; it is its father it resembles.' + +'Am I not right, nurse?' said he, appealing to Rachel. + +'I think, sir, there's a bit of both,' she replied. + +He departed; and Rachel pronounced him a very nice gentleman. I +had still my doubts on the subject. + +In the course of the following six weeks I met him several times, +but always, save once, in company with his mother, or his sister, +or both. When I called on them, he always happened to be at home, +and, when they called on me, it was always he that drove them over +in the phaeton. His mother, evidently, was quite delighted with +his dutiful attentions and newly-acquired domestic habits. + +The time that I met him alone was on a bright, but not oppressively +hot day, in the beginning of July: I had taken little Arthur into +the wood that skirts the park, and there seated him on the moss- +cushioned roots of an old oak; and, having gathered a handful of +bluebells and wild-roses, I was kneeling before him, and presenting +them, one by one, to the grasp of his tiny fingers; enjoying the +heavenly beauty of the flowers, through the medium of his smiling +eyes: forgetting, for the moment, all my cares, laughing at his +gleeful laughter, and delighting myself with his delight, - when a +shadow suddenly eclipsed the little space of sunshine on the grass +before us; and looking up, I beheld Walter Hargrave standing and +gazing upon us. + +'Excuse me, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said he, 'but I was spell-bound; I +had neither the power to come forward and interrupt you, nor to +withdraw from the contemplation of such a scene. How vigorous my +little godson grows! and how merry he is this morning!' He +approached the child, and stooped to take his hand; but, on seeing +that his caresses were likely to produce tears and lamentations, +instead of a reciprocation of friendly demonstrations, he prudently +drew back. + +'What a pleasure and comfort that little creature must be to you, +Mrs. Huntingdon!' he observed, with a touch of sadness in his +intonation, as he admiringly contemplated the infant. + +'It is,' replied I; and then I asked after his mother and sister. + +He politely answered my inquiries, and then returned again to the +subject I wished to avoid; though with a degree of timidity that +witnessed his fear to offend. + +'You have not heard from Huntingdon lately?' he said. + +'Not this week,' I replied. Not these three weeks, I might have +said. + +'I had a letter from him this morning. I wish it were such a one +as I could show to his lady.' He half drew from his waistcoat- +pocket a letter with Arthur's still beloved hand on the address, +scowled at it, and put it back again, adding - 'But he tells me he +is about to return next week.' + +'He tells me so every time he writes.' + +'Indeed! well, it is like him. But to me he always avowed it his +intention to stay till the present month.' + +It struck me like a blow, this proof of premeditated transgression +and systematic disregard of truth. + +'It is only of a piece with the rest of his conduct,' observed Mr. +Hargrave, thoughtfully regarding me, and reading, I suppose, my +feelings in my face. + +'Then he is really coming next week?' said I, after a pause. + +'You may rely upon it, if the assurance can give you any pleasure. +And is it possible, Mrs. Huntingdon, that you can rejoice at his +return?' he exclaimed, attentively perusing my features again. + +'Of course, Mr. Hargrave; is he not my husband?' + +'Oh, Huntingdon; you know not what you slight!' he passionately +murmured. + +I took up my baby, and, wishing him good-morning, departed, to +indulge my thoughts unscrutinized, within the sanctum of my home. + +And was I glad? Yes, delighted; though I was angered by Arthur's +conduct, and though I felt that he had wronged me, and was +determined he should feel it too. + + + +CHAPTER XXX + + + +On the following morning I received a few lines from him myself, +confirming Hargrave's intimations respecting his approaching +return. And he did come next week, but in a condition of body and +mind even worse than before. I did not, however, intend to pass +over his derelictions this time without a remark; I found it would +not do. But the first day he was weary with his journey, and I was +glad to get him back: I would not upbraid him then; I would wait +till to-morrow. Next morning he was weary still: I would wait a +little longer. But at dinner, when, after breakfasting at twelve +o'clock on a bottle of soda-water and a cup of strong coffee, and +lunching at two on another bottle of soda-water mingled with +brandy, he was finding fault with everything on the table, and +declaring we must change our cook, I thought the time was come. + +'It is the same cook as we had before you went, Arthur,' said I. +'You were generally pretty well satisfied with her then.' + +'You must have been letting her get into slovenly habits, then, +while I was away. It is enough to poison one, eating such a +disgusting mess!' And he pettishly pushed away his plate, and +leant back despairingly in his chair. + +'I think it is you that are changed, not she,' said I, but with the +utmost gentleness, for I did not wish to irritate him. + +'It may be so,' he replied carelessly, as he seized a tumbler of +wine and water, adding, when he had tossed it off, 'for I have an +infernal fire in my veins, that all the waters of the ocean cannot +quench!' + +'What kindled it?' I was about to ask, but at that moment the +butler entered and began to take away the things. + +'Be quick, Benson; do have done with that infernal clatter!' cried +his master. 'And don't bring the cheese, unless you want to make +me sick outright!' + +Benson, in some surprise, removed the cheese, and did his best to +effect a quiet and speedy clearance of the rest; but, +unfortunately, there was a rumple in the carpet, caused by the +hasty pushing back of his master's chair, at which he tripped and +stumbled, causing a rather alarming concussion with the trayful of +crockery in his hands, but no positive damage, save the fall and +breaking of a sauce tureen; but, to my unspeakable shame and +dismay, Arthur turned furiously around upon him, and swore at him +with savage coarseness. The poor man turned pale, and visibly +trembled as he stooped to pick up the fragments. + +'He couldn't help it, Arthur,' said I; 'the carpet caught his foot, +and there's no great harm done. Never mind the pieces now, Benson; +you can clear them away afterwards.' + +Glad to be released, Benson expeditiously set out the dessert and +withdrew. + +'What could you mean, Helen, by taking the servant's part against +me,' said Arthur, as soon as the door was closed, 'when you knew I +was distracted?' + +'I did not know you were distracted, Arthur: and the poor man was +quite frightened and hurt at your sudden explosion.' + +'Poor man, indeed! and do you think I could stop to consider the +feelings of an insensate brute like that, when my own nerves were +racked and torn to pieces by his confounded blunders?' + +'I never heard you complain of your nerves before.' + +'And why shouldn't I have nerves as well as you?' + +'Oh, I don't dispute your claim to their possession, but I never +complain of mine.' + +'No, how should you, when you never do anything to try them?' + +'Then why do you try yours, Arthur?' + +'Do you think I have nothing to do but to stay at home and take +care of myself like a woman?' + +'Is it impossible, then, to take care of yourself like a man when +you go abroad? You told me that you could, and would too; and you +promised - ' + +'Come, come, Helen, don't begin with that nonsense now; I can't +bear it.' + +'Can't bear what? - to be reminded of the promises you have +broken?' + +'Helen, you are cruel. If you knew how my heart throbbed, and how +every nerve thrilled through me while you spoke, you would spare +me. You can pity a dolt of a servant for breaking a dish; but you +have no compassion for me when my head is split in two and all on +fire with this consuming fever.' + +He leant his head on his hand, and sighed. I went to him and put +my hand on his forehead. It was burning indeed. + +'Then come with me into the drawing-room, Arthur; and don't take +any more wine: you have taken several glasses since dinner, and +eaten next to nothing all the day. How can that make you better?' + +With some coaxing and persuasion, I got him to leave the table. +When the baby was brought I tried to amuse him with that; but poor +little Arthur was cutting his teeth, and his father could not bear +his complaints: sentence of immediate banishment was passed upon +him on the first indication of fretfulness; and because, in the +course of the evening, I went to share his exile for a little +while, I was reproached, on my return, for preferring my child to +my husband. I found the latter reclining on the sofa just as I had +left him. + +'Well!' exclaimed the injured man, in a tone of pseudo-resignation. +'I thought I wouldn't send for you; I thought I'd just see how long +it would please you to leave me alone.' + +'I have not been very long, have I, Arthur? I have not been an +hour, I'm sure.' + +'Oh, of course, an hour is nothing to you, so pleasantly employed; +but to me - ' + +'It has not been pleasantly employed,' interrupted I. 'I have been +nursing our poor little baby, who is very far from well, and I +could not leave him till I got him to sleep.' + +'Oh, to be sure, you're overflowing with kindness and pity for +everything but me.' + +'And why should I pity you? What is the matter with you?' + +'Well! that passes everything! After all the wear and tear that +I've had, when I come home sick and weary, longing for comfort, and +expecting to find attention and kindness, at least from my wife, +she calmly asks what is the matter with me!' + +'There is nothing the matter with you,' returned I, 'except what +you have wilfully brought upon yourself, against my earnest +exhortation and entreaty.' + +'Now, Helen,' said he emphatically, half rising from his recumbent +posture, 'if you bother me with another word, I'll ring the bell +and order six bottles of wine, and, by heaven, I'll drink them dry +before I stir from this place!' + +I said no more, but sat down before the table and drew a book +towards me. + +'Do let me have quietness at least!' continued he, 'if you deny me +every other comfort;' and sinking back into his former position, +with an impatient expiration between a sigh and a groan, he +languidly closed his eyes, as if to sleep. + +What the book was that lay open on the table before me, I cannot +tell, for I never looked at it. With an elbow on each side of it, +and my hands clasped before my eyes, I delivered myself up to +silent weeping. But Arthur was not asleep: at the first slight +sob, he raised his head and looked round, impatiently exclaiming, +'What are you crying for, Helen? What the deuce is the matter +now?' + +'I'm crying for you, Arthur,' I replied, speedily drying my tears; +and starting up, I threw myself on my knees before him, and +clasping his nerveless hand between my own, continued: 'Don't you +know that you are a part of myself? And do you think you can +injure and degrade yourself, and I not feel it?' + +'Degrade myself, Helen?' + +'Yes, degrade! What have you been doing all this time?' + +'You'd better not ask,' said he, with a faint smile. + +'And you had better not tell; but you cannot deny that you have +degraded yourself miserably. You have shamefully wronged yourself, +body and soul, and me too; and I can't endure it quietly, and I +won't!' + +'Well, don't squeeze my hand so frantically, and don't agitate me +so, for heaven's sake! Oh, Hattersley! you were right: this woman +will be the death of me, with her keen feelings and her interesting +force of character. There, there, do spare me a little.' + +'Arthur, you must repent!' cried I, in a frenzy of desperation, +throwing my arms around him and burying my face in his bosom. 'You +shall say you are sorry for what you have done!' + +'Well, well, I am.' + +'You are not! you'll do it again.' + +'I shall never live to do it again if you treat me so savagely,' +replied he, pushing me from him. 'You've nearly squeezed the +breath out of my body.' He pressed his hand to his heart, and +looked really agitated and ill. + +'Now get me a glass of wine,' said he, 'to remedy what you've done, +you she tiger! I'm almost ready to faint.' + +I flew to get the required remedy. It seemed to revive him +considerably. + +'What a shame it is,' said I, as I took the empty glass from his +hand, 'for a strong young man like you to reduce yourself to such a +state!' + +'If you knew all, my girl, you'd say rather, "What a wonder it is +you can bear it so well as you do!" I've lived more in these four +months, Helen, than you have in the whole course of your existence, +or will to the end of your days, if they numbered a hundred years; +so I must expect to pay for it in some shape.' + +'You will have to pay a higher price than you anticipate, if you +don't take care: there will be the total loss of your own health, +and of my affection too, if that is of any value to you.' + +'What! you're at that game of threatening me with the loss of your +affection again, are you? I think it couldn't have been very +genuine stuff to begin with, if it's so easily demolished. If you +don't mind, my pretty tyrant, you'll make me regret my choice in +good earnest, and envy my friend Hattersley his meek little wife: +she's quite a pattern to her sex, Helen. He had her with him in +London all the season, and she was no trouble at all. He might +amuse himself just as he pleased, in regular bachelor style, and +she never complained of neglect; he might come home at any hour of +the night or morning, or not come home at all; be sullen, sober, or +glorious drunk; and play the fool or the madman to his own heart's +desire, without any fear or botheration. She never gives him a +word of reproach or complaint, do what he will. He says there's +not such a jewel in all England, and swears he wouldn't take a +kingdom for her.' + +'But he makes her life a curse to her.' + +'Not he! She has no will but his, and is always contented and +happy as long as he is enjoying himself.' + +'In that case she is as great a fool as he is; but it is not so. I +have several letters from her, expressing the greatest anxiety +about his proceedings, and complaining that you incite him to +commit those extravagances - one especially, in which she implores +me to use my influence with you to get you away from London, and +affirms that her husband never did such things before you came, and +would certainly discontinue them as soon as you departed and left +him to the guidance of his own good sense.' + +'The detestable little traitor! Give me the letter, and he shall +see it as sure as I'm a living man.' + +'No, he shall not see it without her consent; but if he did, there +is nothing there to anger him, nor in any of the others. She never +speaks a word against him: it is only anxiety for him that she +expresses. She only alludes to his conduct in the most delicate +terms, and makes every excuse for him that she can possibly think +of; and as for her own misery, I rather feel it than see it +expressed in her letters.' + +'But she abuses me; and no doubt you helped her.' + +'No; I told her she over-rated my influence with you, that I would +gladly draw you away from the temptations of the town if I could, +but had little hope of success, and that I thought she was wrong in +supposing that you enticed Mr. Hattersley or any one else into +error. I had myself held the contrary opinion at one time, but I +now believed that you mutually corrupted each other; and, perhaps, +if she used a little gentle but serious remonstrance with her +husband, it might be of some service; as, though he was more rough- +hewn than mine, I believed he was of a less impenetrable material.' + +'And so that is the way you go on - heartening each other up to +mutiny, and abusing each other's partners, and throwing out +implications against your own, to the mutual gratification of +both!' + +'According to your own account,' said I, 'my evil counsel has had +but little effect upon her. And as to abuse and aspersions, we are +both of us far too deeply ashamed of the errors and vices of our +other halves, to make them the common subject of our +correspondence. Friends as we are, we would willingly keep your +failings to ourselves - even from ourselves if we could, unless by +knowing them we could deliver you from them.' + +'Well, well! don't worry me about them: you'll never effect any +good by that. Have patience with me, and bear with my languor and +crossness a little while, till I get this cursed low fever out of +my veins, and then you'll find me cheerful and kind as ever. Why +can't you be gentle and good, as you were last time? - I'm sure I +was very grateful for it.' + +'And what good did your gratitude do? I deluded myself with the +idea that you were ashamed of your transgressions, and hoped you +would never repeat them again; but now you have left me nothing to +hope!' + +'My case is quite desperate, is it? A very blessed consideration, +if it will only secure me from the pain and worry of my dear +anxious wife's efforts to convert me, and her from the toil and +trouble of such exertions, and her sweet face and silver accents +from the ruinous effects of the same. A burst of passion is a fine +rousing thing upon occasion, Helen, and a flood of tears is +marvellously affecting, but, when indulged too often, they are both +deuced plaguy things for spoiling one's beauty and tiring out one's +friends.' + +Thenceforth I restrained my tears and passions as much as I could. +I spared him my exhortations and fruitless efforts at conversion +too, for I saw it was all in vain: God might awaken that heart, +supine and stupefied with self-indulgence, and remove the film of +sensual darkness from his eyes, but I could not. His injustice and +ill-humour towards his inferiors, who could not defend themselves, +I still resented and withstood; but when I alone was their object, +as was frequently the case, I endured it with calm forbearance, +except at times, when my temper, worn out by repeated annoyances, +or stung to distraction by some new instance of irrationality, gave +way in spite of myself, and exposed me to the imputations of +fierceness, cruelty, and impatience. I attended carefully to his +wants and amusements, but not, I own, with the same devoted +fondness as before, because I could not feel it; besides, I had now +another claimant on my time and care - my ailing infant, for whose +sake I frequently braved and suffered the reproaches and complaints +of his unreasonably exacting father. + +But Arthur is not naturally a peevish or irritable man; so far from +it, that there was something almost ludicrous in the incongruity of +this adventitious fretfulness and nervous irritability, rather +calculated to excite laughter than anger, if it were not for the +intensely painful considerations attendant upon those symptoms of a +disordered frame, and his temper gradually improved as his bodily +health was restored, which was much sooner than would have been the +case but for my strenuous exertions; for there was still one thing +about him that I did not give up in despair, and one effort for his +preservation that I would not remit. His appetite for the stimulus +of wine had increased upon him, as I had too well foreseen. It was +now something more to him than an accessory to social enjoyment: +it was an important source of enjoyment in itself. In this time of +weakness and depression he would have made it his medicine and +support, his comforter, his recreation, and his friend, and thereby +sunk deeper and deeper, and bound himself down for ever in the +bathos whereinto he had fallen. But I determined this should never +be, as long as I had any influence left; and though I could not +prevent him from taking more than was good for him, still, by +incessant perseverance, by kindness, and firmness, and vigilance, +by coaxing, and daring, and determination, I succeeded in +preserving him from absolute bondage to that detestable propensity, +so insidious in its advances, so inexorable in its tyranny, so +disastrous in its effects. + +And here I must not forget that I am not a little indebted to his +friend Mr. Hargrave. About that time he frequently called at +Grassdale, and often dined with us, on which occasions I fear +Arthur would willingly have cast prudence and decorum to the winds, +and made 'a night of it,' as often as his friend would have +consented to join him in that exalted pastime; and if the latter +had chosen to comply, he might, in a night or two, have ruined the +labour of weeks, and overthrown with a touch the frail bulwark it +had cost me such trouble and toil to construct. I was so fearful +of this at first, that I humbled myself to intimate to him, in +private, my apprehensions of Arthur's proneness to these excesses, +and to express a hope that he would not encourage it. He was +pleased with this mark of confidence, and certainly did not betray +it. On that and every subsequent occasion his presence served +rather as a check upon his host, than an incitement to further acts +of intemperance; and he always succeeded in bringing him from the +dining-room in good time, and in tolerably good condition; for if +Arthur disregarded such intimations as 'Well, I must not detain you +from your lady,' or 'We must not forget that Mrs. Huntingdon is +alone,' he would insist upon leaving the table himself, to join me, +and his host, however unwillingly, was obliged to follow. + +Hence I learned to welcome Mr. Hargrave as a real friend to the +family, a harmless companion for Arthur, to cheer his spirits and +preserve him from the tedium of absolute idleness and a total +isolation from all society but mine, and a useful ally to me. I +could not but feel grateful to him under such circumstances; and I +did not scruple to acknowledge my obligation on the first +convenient opportunity; yet, as I did so, my heart whispered all +was not right, and brought a glow to my face, which he heightened +by his steady, serious gaze, while, by his manner of receiving +those acknowledgments, he more than doubled my misgivings. His +high delight at being able to serve me was chastened by sympathy +for me and commiseration for himself - about, I know not what, for +I would not stay to inquire, or suffer him to unburden his sorrows +to me. His sighs and intimations of suppressed affliction seemed +to come from a full heart; but either he must contrive to retain +them within it, or breathe them forth in other ears than mine: +there was enough of confidence between us already. It seemed wrong +that there should exist a secret understanding between my husband's +friend and me, unknown to him, of which he was the object. But my +after-thought was, 'If it is wrong, surely Arthur's is the fault, +not mine.' + +And indeed I know not whether, at the time, it was not for him +rather than myself that I blushed; for, since he and I are one, I +so identify myself with him, that I feel his degradation, his +failings, and transgressions as my own: I blush for him, I fear +for him; I repent for him, weep, pray, and feel for him as for +myself; but I cannot act for him; and hence I must be, and I am, +debased, contaminated by the union, both in my own eyes and in the +actual truth. I am so determined to love him, so intensely anxious +to excuse his errors, that I am continually dwelling upon them, and +labouring to extenuate the loosest of his principles and the worst +of his practices, till I am familiarised with vice, and almost a +partaker in his sins. Things that formerly shocked and disgusted +me, now seem only natural. I know them to be wrong, because reason +and God's word declare them to be so; but I am gradually losing +that instinctive horror and repulsion which were given me by +nature, or instilled into me by the precepts and example of my +aunt. Perhaps then I was too severe in my judgments, for I +abhorred the sinner as well as the sin; now I flatter myself I am +more charitable and considerate; but am I not becoming more +indifferent and insensate too? Fool that I was, to dream that I +had strength and purity enough to save myself and him! Such vain +presumption would be rightly served, if I should perish with him in +the gulf from which I sought to save him! Yet, God preserve me +from it, and him too! Yes, poor Arthur, I will still hope and pray +for you; and though I write as if you were some abandoned wretch, +past hope and past reprieve, it is only my anxious fears, my strong +desires that make me do so; one who loved you less would be less +bitter, less dissatisfied. + +His conduct has, of late, been what the world calls irreproachable; +but then I know his heart is still unchanged; and I know that +spring is approaching, and deeply dread the consequences. + +As he began to recover the tone and vigour of his exhausted frame, +and with it something of his former impatience of retirement and +repose, I suggested a short residence by the sea-side, for his +recreation and further restoration, and for the benefit of our +little one as well. But no: watering-places were so intolerably +dull; besides, he had been invited by one of his friends to spend a +month or two in Scotland for the better recreation of grouse- +shooting and deer-stalking, and had promise to go. + +'Then you will leave me again, Arthur?' said I. + +'Yes, dearest, but only to love you the better when I come back, +and make up for all past offences and short-comings; and you +needn't fear me this time: there are no temptations on the +mountains. And during my absence you may pay a visit to +Staningley, if you like: your uncle and aunt have long been +wanting us to go there, you know; but somehow there's such a +repulsion between the good lady and me, that I never could bring +myself up to the scratch.' + +About the third week in August, Arthur set out for Scotland, and +Mr. Hargrave accompanied him thither, to my private satisfaction. +Shortly after, I, with little Arthur and Rachel, went to +Staningley, my dear old home, which, as well as my dear old friends +its inhabitants, I saw again with mingled feelings of pleasure and +pain so intimately blended that I could scarcely distinguish the +one from the other, or tell to which to attribute the various +tears, and smiles, and sighs awakened by those old familiar scenes, +and tones, and faces. + +Arthur did not come home till several weeks after my return to +Grassdale; but I did not feel so anxious about him now; to think of +him engaged in active sports among the wild hills of Scotland, was +very different from knowing him to be immersed amid the corruptions +and temptations of London. His letters now; though neither long +nor loverlike, were more regular than ever they had been before; +and when he did return, to my great joy, instead of being worse +than when he went, he was more cheerful and vigorous, and better in +every respect. Since that time I have had little cause to +complain. He still has an unfortunate predilection for the +pleasures of the table, against which I have to struggle and watch; +but he has begun to notice his boy, and that is an increasing +source of amusement to him within-doors, while his fox-hunting and +coursing are a sufficient occupation for him without, when the +ground is not hardened by frost; so that he is not wholly dependent +on me for entertainment. But it is now January; spring is +approaching; and, I repeat, I dread the consequences of its +arrival. That sweet season, I once so joyously welcomed as the +time of hope and gladness, awakens now far other anticipations by +its return. + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + + + +March 20th, 1824. The dreaded time is come, and Arthur is gone, as +I expected. This time he announced it his intention to make but a +short stay in London, and pass over to the Continent, where he +should probably stay a few weeks; but I shall not expect him till +after the lapse of many weeks: I now know that, with him, days +signify weeks, and weeks months. + +July 30th. - He returned about three weeks ago, rather better in +health, certainly, than before, but still worse in temper. And +yet, perhaps, I am wrong: it is I that am less patient and +forbearing. I am tired out with his injustice, his selfishness and +hopeless depravity. I wish a milder word would do; I am no angel, +and my corruption rises against it. My poor father died last week: +Arthur was vexed to hear of it, because he saw that I was shocked +and grieved, and he feared the circumstance would mar his comfort. +When I spoke of ordering my mourning, he exclaimed, - 'Oh, I hate +black! But, however, I suppose you must wear it awhile, for form's +sake; but I hope, Helen, you won't think it your bounden duty to +compose your face and manners into conformity with your funereal +garb. Why should you sigh and groan, and I be made uncomfortable, +because an old gentleman in -shire, a perfect stranger to us both, +has thought proper to drink himself to death? There, now, I +declare you're crying! Well, it must be affectation.' + +He would not hear of my attending the funeral, or going for a day +or two, to cheer poor Frederick's solitude. It was quite +unnecessary, he said, and I was unreasonable to wish it. What was +my father to me? I had never seen him but once since I was a baby, +and I well knew he had never cared a stiver about me; and my +brother, too, was little better than a stranger. 'Besides, dear +Helen,' said he, embracing me with flattering fondness, 'I cannot +spare you for a single day.' + +'Then how have you managed without me these many days?' said I. + +'Ah! then I was knocking about the world, now I am at home, and +home without you, my household deity, would be intolerable.' + +'Yes, as long as I am necessary to your comfort; but you did not +say so before, when you urged me to leave you, in order that you +might get away from your home without me,' retorted I; but before +the words were well out of my mouth, I regretted having uttered +them. It seemed so heavy a charge: if false, too gross an insult; +if true, too humiliating a fact to be thus openly cast in his +teeth. But I might have spared myself that momentary pang of self- +reproach. The accusation awoke neither shame nor indignation in +him: he attempted neither denial nor excuse, but only answered +with a long, low, chuckling laugh, as if he viewed the whole +transaction as a clever, merry jest from beginning to end. Surely +that man will make me dislike him at last! + + +Sine as ye brew, my maiden fair, +Keep mind that ye maun drink the yill. + + +Yes; and I will drink it to the very dregs: and none but myself +shall know how bitter I find it! + +August 20th. - We are shaken down again to about our usual +position. Arthur has returned to nearly his former condition and +habits; and I have found it my wisest plan to shut my eyes against +the past and future, as far as he, at least, is concerned, and live +only for the present: to love him when I can; to smile (if +possible) when he smiles, be cheerful when he is cheerful, and +pleased when he is agreeable; and when he is not, to try to make +him so; and if that won't answer, to bear with him, to excuse him, +and forgive him as well as I can, and restrain my own evil passions +from aggravating his; and yet, while I thus yield and minister to +his more harmless propensities to self-indulgence, to do all in my +power to save him from the worse. + +But we shall not be long alone together. I shall shortly be called +upon to entertain the same select body of friends as we had the +autumn before last, with the addition of Mr. Hattersley and, at my +special request, his wife and child. I long to see Milicent, and +her little girl too. The latter is now above a year old; she will +be a charming playmate for my little Arthur. + +September 30th. - Our guests have been here a week or two; but I +have had no leisure to pass any comments upon them till now. I +cannot get over my dislike to Lady Lowborough. It is not founded +on mere personal pique; it is the woman herself that I dislike, +because I so thoroughly disapprove of her. I always avoid her +company as much as I can without violating the laws of hospitality; +but when we do speak or converse together, it is with the utmost +civility, even apparent cordiality on her part; but preserve me +from such cordiality! It is like handling brier-roses and may- +blossoms, bright enough to the eye, and outwardly soft to the +touch, but you know there are thorns beneath, and every now and +then you feel them too; and perhaps resent the injury by crushing +them in till you have destroyed their power, though somewhat to the +detriment of your own fingers. + +Of late, however, I have seen nothing in her conduct towards Arthur +to anger or alarm me. During the first few days I thought she +seemed very solicitous to win his admiration. Her efforts were not +unnoticed by him: I frequently saw him smiling to himself at her +artful manoeuvres: but, to his praise be it spoken, her shafts +fell powerless by his side. Her most bewitching smiles, her +haughtiest frowns were ever received with the same immutable, +careless good-humour; till, finding he was indeed impenetrable, she +suddenly remitted her efforts, and became, to all appearance, as +perfectly indifferent as himself. Nor have I since witnessed any +symptom of pique on his part, or renewed attempts at conquest upon +hers. + +This is as it should be; but Arthur never will let me be satisfied +with him. I have never, for a single hour since I married him, +known what it is to realise that sweet idea, 'In quietness and +confidence shall be your rest.' Those two detestable men, Grimsby +and Hattersley, have destroyed all my labour against his love of +wine. They encourage him daily to overstep the bounds of +moderation, and not unfrequently to disgrace himself by positive +excess. I shall not soon forget the second night after their +arrival. Just as I had retired from the dining-room with the +ladies, before the door was closed upon us, Arthur exclaimed, - +'Now then, my lads, what say you to a regular jollification?' + +Milicent glanced at me with a half-reproachful look, as if I could +hinder it; but her countenance changed when she heard Hattersley's +voice, shouting through door and wall, - 'I'm your man! Send for +more wine: here isn't half enough!' + +We had scarcely entered the drawing-room before we were joined by +Lord Lowborough. + +'What can induce you to come so soon?' exclaimed his lady, with a +most ungracious air of dissatisfaction. + +'You know I never drink, Annabella,' replied he seriously. + +'Well, but you might stay with them a little: it looks so silly to +be always dangling after the women; I wonder you can!' + +He reproached her with a look of mingled bitterness and surprise, +and, sinking into a chair, suppressed a heavy sigh, bit his pale +lips, and fixed his eyes upon the floor. + +'You did right to leave them, Lord Lowborough,' said I. 'I trust +you will always continue to honour us so early with your company. +And if Annabella knew the value of true wisdom, and the misery of +folly and - and intemperance, she would not talk such nonsense - +even in jest.' + +He raised his eyes while I spoke, and gravely turned them upon me, +with a half-surprised, half-abstracted look, and then bent them on +his wife. + +'At least,' said she, 'I know the value of a warm heart and a bold, +manly spirit.' + +'Well, Annabella,' said he, in a deep and hollow tone, 'since my +presence is disagreeable to you, I will relieve you of it.' + +'Are you going back to them, then?' said she, carelessly. + +'No,' exclaimed he, with harsh and startling emphasis. 'I will not +go back to them! And I will never stay with them one moment longer +than I think right, for you or any other tempter! But you needn't +mind that; I shall never trouble you again by intruding my company +upon you so unseasonably.' + +He left the room: I heard the hall-door open and shut, and +immediately after, on putting aside the curtain, I saw him pacing +down the park, in the comfortless gloom of the damp, cloudy +twilight. + +'It would serve you right, Annabella,' said I, at length, 'if Lord +Lowborough were to return to his old habits, which had so nearly +effected his ruin, and which it cost him such an effort to break: +you would then see cause to repent such conduct as this.' + +'Not at all, my dear! I should not mind if his lordship were to +see fit to intoxicate himself every day: I should only the sooner +be rid of him.' + +'Oh, Annabella!' cried Milicent. 'How can you say such wicked +things! It would, indeed, be a just punishment, as far as you are +concerned, if Providence should take you at your word, and make you +feel what others feel, that - ' She paused as a sudden burst of +loud talking and laughter reached us from the dining-room, in which +the voice of Hattersley was pre-eminently conspicuous, even to my +unpractised ear. + +'What you feel at this moment, I suppose?' said Lady Lowborough, +with a malicious smile, fixing her eyes upon her cousin's +distressed countenance. + +The latter offered no reply, but averted her face and brushed away +a tear. At that moment the door opened and admitted Mr. Hargrave, +just a little flushed, his dark eyes sparkling with unwonted +vivacity. + +'Oh, I'm so glad you're come, Walter?' cried his sister. 'But I +wish you could have got Ralph to come too.' + +'Utterly impossible, dear Milicent,' replied he, gaily. 'I had +much ado to get away myself. Ralph attempted to keep me by +violence; Huntingdon threatened me with the eternal loss of his +friendship; and Grimsby, worse than all, endeavoured to make me +ashamed of my virtue, by such galling sarcasms and innuendoes as he +knew would wound me the most. So you see, ladies, you ought to +make me welcome when I have braved and suffered so much for the +favour of your sweet society.' He smilingly turned to me and bowed +as he finished the sentence. + +'Isn't he handsome now, Helen!' whispered Milicent, her sisterly +pride overcoming, for the moment, all other considerations. + +'He would be,' I returned, 'if that brilliance of eye, and lip, and +cheek were natural to him; but look again, a few hours hence.' + +Here the gentleman took a seat near me at the table, and petitioned +for a cup of coffee. + +'I consider this an apt illustration of heaven taken by storm,' +said he, as I handed one to him. 'I am in paradise, now; but I +have fought my way through flood and fire to win it. Ralph +Hattersley's last resource was to set his back against the door, +and swear I should find no passage but through his body (a pretty +substantial one too). Happily, however, that was not the only +door, and I effected my escape by the side entrance through the +butler's pantry, to the infinite amazement of Benson, who was +cleaning the plate.' + +Mr. Hargrave laughed, and so did his cousin; but his sister and I +remained silent and grave. + +'Pardon my levity, Mrs. Huntingdon,' murmured he, more seriously, +as he raised his eyes to my face. 'You are not used to these +things: you suffer them to affect your delicate mind too sensibly. +But I thought of you in the midst of those lawless roysterers; and +I endeavoured to persuade Mr. Huntingdon to think of you too; but +to no purpose: I fear he is fully determined to enjoy himself this +night; and it will be no use keeping the coffee waiting for him or +his companions; it will be much if they join us at tea. Meantime, +I earnestly wish I could banish the thoughts of them from your mind +- and my own too, for I hate to think of them - yes - even of my +dear friend Huntingdon, when I consider the power he possesses over +the happiness of one so immeasurably superior to himself, and the +use he makes of it - I positively detest the man!' + +'You had better not say so to me, then,' said I; 'for, bad as he +is, he is part of myself, and you cannot abuse him without +offending me.' + +'Pardon me, then, for I would sooner die than offend you. But let +us say no more of him for the present, if you please.' + +At last they came; but not till after ten, when tea, which had been +delayed for more than half an hour, was nearly over. Much as I had +longed for their coming, my heart failed me at the riotous uproar +of their approach; and Milicent turned pale, and almost started +from her seat, as Mr. Hattersley burst into the room with a +clamorous volley of oaths in his mouth, which Hargrave endeavoured +to check by entreating him to remember the ladies. + +'Ah! you do well to remind me of the ladies, you dastardly +deserter,' cried he, shaking his formidable fist at his brother-in- +law. 'If it were not for them, you well know, I'd demolish you in +the twinkling of an eye, and give your body to the fowls of heaven +and the lilies of the fields!' Then, planting a chair by Lady +Lowborough's side, he stationed himself in it, and began to talk to +her with a mixture of absurdity and impudence that seemed rather to +amuse than to offend her; though she affected to resent his +insolence, and to keep him at bay with sallies of smart and +spirited repartee. + +Meantime Mr. Grimsby seated himself by me, in the chair vacated by +Hargrave as they entered, and gravely stated that he would thank me +for a cup of tea: and Arthur placed himself beside poor Milicent, +confidentially pushing his head into her face, and drawing in +closer to her as she shrank away from him. He was not so noisy as +Hattersley, but his face was exceedingly flushed: he laughed +incessantly, and while I blushed for all I saw and heard of him, I +was glad that he chose to talk to his companion in so low a tone +that no one could hear what he said but herself. + +'What fools they are!' drawled Mr. Grimsby, who had been talking +away, at my elbow, with sententious gravity all the time; but I had +been too much absorbed in contemplating the deplorable state of the +other two - especially Arthur - to attend to him. + +'Did you ever hear such nonsense as they talk, Mrs. Huntingdon?' he +continued. 'I'm quite ashamed of them for my part: they can't +take so much as a bottle between them without its getting into +their heads - ' + +'You are pouring the cream into your saucer, Mr. Grimsby.' + +'Ah! yes, I see, but we're almost in darkness here. Hargrave, +snuff those candles, will you?' + +'They're wax; they don't require snuffing,' said I. + +'"The light of the body is the eye,"' observed Hargrave, with a +sarcastic smile. '"If thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be +full of light."' + +Grimsby repulsed him with a solemn wave of the hand, and then +turning to me, continued, with the same drawling tones and strange +uncertainty of utterance and heavy gravity of aspect as before: +'But as I was saying, Mrs. Huntingdon, they have no head at all: +they can't take half a bottle without being affected some way; +whereas I - well, I've taken three times as much as they have to- +night, and you see I'm perfectly steady. Now that may strike you +as very singular, but I think I can explain it: you see their +brains - I mention no names, but you'll understand to whom I allude +- their brains are light to begin with, and the fumes of the +fermented liquor render them lighter still, and produce an entire +light-headedness, or giddiness, resulting in intoxication; whereas +my brains, being composed of more solid materials, will absorb a +considerable quantity of this alcoholic vapour without the +production of any sensible result - ' + +'I think you will find a sensible result produced on that tea,' +interrupted Mr. Hargrave, 'by the quantity of sugar you have put +into it. Instead of your usual complement of one lump, you have +put in six.' + +'Have I so?' replied the philosopher, diving with his spoon into +the cup, and bringing up several half-dissolved pieces in +confirmation of the assertion. 'Hum! I perceive. Thus, Madam, +you see the evil of absence of mind - of thinking too much while +engaged in the common concerns of life. Now, if I had had my wits +about me, like ordinary men, instead of within me like a +philosopher, I should not have spoiled this cup of tea, and been +constrained to trouble you for another.' + +'That is the sugar-basin, Mr. Grimsby. Now you have spoiled the +sugar too; and I'll thank you to ring for some more, for here is +Lord Lowborough at last; and I hope his lordship will condescend to +sit down with us, such as we are, and allow me to give him some +tea.' + +His lordship gravely bowed in answer to my appeal, but said +nothing. Meantime, Hargrave volunteered to ring for the sugar, +while Grimsby lamented his mistake, and attempted to prove that it +was owing to the shadow of the urn and the badness of the lights. + +Lord Lowborough had entered a minute or two before, unobserved by +an one but me, and had been standing before the door, grimly +surveying the company. He now stepped up to Annabella, who sat +with her back towards him, with Hattersley still beside her, though +not now attending to her, being occupied in vociferously abusing +and bullying his host. + +'Well, Annabella,' said her husband, as he leant over the back of +her chair, 'which of these three "bold, manly spirits" would you +have me to resemble?' + +'By heaven and earth, you shall resemble us all!' cried Hattersley, +starting up and rudely seizing him by the arm. 'Hallo, +Huntingdon!' he shouted - 'I've got him! Come, man, and help me! +And d-n me, if I don't make him drunk before I let him go! He +shall make up for all past delinquencies as sure as I'm a living +soul!' + +There followed a disgraceful contest: Lord Lowborough, in +desperate earnest, and pale with anger, silently struggling to +release himself from the powerful madman that was striving to drag +him from the room. I attempted to urge Arthur to interfere in +behalf of his outraged guest, but he could do nothing but laugh. + +'Huntingdon, you fool, come and help me, can't you!' cried +Hattersley, himself somewhat weakened by his excesses. + +'I'm wishing you God-speed, Hattersley,' cried Arthur, 'and aiding +you with my prayers: I can't do anything else if my life depended +on it! I'm quite used up. Oh - oh!' and leaning back in his seat, +he clapped his hands on his sides and groaned aloud. + +'Annabella, give me a candle!' said Lowborough, whose antagonist +had now got him round the waist and was endeavouring to root him +from the door-post, to which he madly clung with all the energy of +desperation. + +'I shall take no part in your rude sports!' replied the lady coldly +drawing back. 'I wonder you can expect it.' But I snatched up a +candle and brought it to him. He took it and held the flame to +Hattersley's hands, till, roaring like a wild beast, the latter +unclasped them and let him go. He vanished, I suppose to his own +apartment, for nothing more was seen of him till the morning. +Swearing and cursing like a maniac, Hattersley threw himself on to +the ottoman beside the window. The door being now free, Milicent +attempted to make her escape from the scene of her husband's +disgrace; but he called her back, and insisted upon her coming to +him. + +'What do you want, Ralph?' murmured she, reluctantly approaching +him. + +'I want to know what's the matter with you,' said he, pulling her +on to his knee like a child. 'What are you crying for, Milicent? - +Tell me!' + +'I'm not crying.' + +'You are,' persisted he, rudely pulling her hands from her face. +'How dare you tell such a lie!' + +'I'm not crying now,' pleaded she. + +'But you have been, and just this minute too; and I will know what +for. Come, now, you shall tell me!' + +'Do let me alone, Ralph! Remember, we are not at home.' + +'No matter: you shall answer my question!' exclaimed her +tormentor; and he attempted to extort the confession by shaking +her, and remorselessly crushing her slight arms in the gripe of his +powerful fingers. + +'Don't let him treat your sister in that way,' said I to Mr. +Hargrave. + +'Come now, Hattersley, I can't allow that,' said that gentleman, +stepping up to the ill-assorted couple. 'Let my sister alone, if +you please.' + +And he made an effort to unclasp the ruffian's fingers from her +arm, but was suddenly driven backward, and nearly laid upon the +floor by a violent blow on the chest, accompanied with the +admonition, 'Take that for your insolence! and learn to interfere +between me and mine again.' + +'If you were not drunk, I'd have satisfaction for that!' gasped +Hargrave, white and breathless as much from passion as from the +immediate effects of the blow. + +'Go to the devil!' responded his brother-in-law. 'Now, Milicent, +tell me what you were crying for.' + +'I'll tell you some other time,' murmured she, 'when we are alone.' + +'Tell me now!' said he, with another shake and a squeeze that made +her draw in her breath and bite her lip to suppress a cry of pain. + +'I'll tell you, Mr. Hattersley,' said I. 'She was crying from pure +shame and humiliation for you; because she could not bear to see +you conduct yourself so disgracefully.' + +'Confound you, Madam!' muttered he, with a stare of stupid +amazement at my 'impudence.' 'It was not that - was it, Milicent?' + +She was silent. + +'Come, speak up, child!' + +'I can't tell now,' sobbed she. + +'But you can say "yes" or "no" as well as "I can't tell." - Come!' + +'Yes,' she whispered, hanging her head, and blushing at the awful +acknowledgment. + +'Curse you for an impertinent hussy, then!' cried he, throwing her +from him with such violence that she fell on her side; but she was +up again before either I or her brother could come to her +assistance, and made the best of her way out of the room, and, I +suppose, up-stairs, without loss of time. + +The next object of assault was Arthur, who sat opposite, and had, +no doubt, richly enjoyed the whole scene. + +'Now, Huntingdon,' exclaimed his irascible friend, 'I will not have +you sitting there and laughing like an idiot!' + +'Oh, Hattersley,' cried he, wiping his swimming eyes - 'you'll be +the death of me.' + +'Yes, I will, but not as you suppose: I'll have the heart out of +your body, man, if you irritate me with any more of that imbecile +laughter! - What! are you at it yet? - There! see if that'll settle +you!' cried Hattersley, snatching up a footstool and hurting it at +the head of his host; but he as well as missed his aim, and the +latter still sat collapsed and quaking with feeble laughter, with +tears running down his face: a deplorable spectacle indeed. + +Hattersley tried cursing and swearing, but it would not do: he +then took a number of books from the table beside him, and threw +them, one by one, at the object of his wrath; but Arthur only +laughed the more; and, finally, Hattersley rushed upon him in a +frenzy and seizing him by the shoulders, gave him a violent +shaking, under which he laughed and shrieked alarmingly. But I saw +no more: I thought I had witnessed enough of my husband's +degradation; and leaving Annabella and the rest to follow when they +pleased, I withdrew, but not to bed. Dismissing Rachel to her +rest, I walked up and down my room, in an agony of misery for what +had been done, and suspense, not knowing what might further happen, +or how or when that unhappy creature would come up to bed. + +At last he came, slowly and stumblingly ascending the stairs, +supported by Grimsby and Hattersley, who neither of them walked +quite steadily themselves, but were both laughing and joking at +him, and making noise enough for all the servants to hear. He +himself was no longer laughing now, but sick and stupid. I will +write no more about that. + +Such disgraceful scenes (or nearly such) have been repeated more +than once. I don't say much to Arthur about it, for, if I did, it +would do more harm than good; but I let him know that I intensely +dislike such exhibitions; and each time he has promised they should +never again be repeated. But I fear he is losing the little self- +command and self-respect he once possessed: formerly, he would +have been ashamed to act thus - at least, before any other +witnesses than his boon companions, or such as they. His friend +Hargrave, with a prudence and self-government that I envy for him, +never disgraces himself by taking more than sufficient to render +him a little 'elevated,' and is always the first to leave the table +after Lord Lowborough, who, wiser still, perseveres in vacating the +dining-room immediately after us: but never once, since Annabella +offended him so deeply, has he entered the drawing-room before the +rest; always spending the interim in the library, which I take care +to have lighted for his accommodation; or, on fine moonlight +nights, in roaming about the grounds. But I think she regrets her +misconduct, for she has never repeated it since, and of late she +has comported herself with wonderful propriety towards him, +treating him with more uniform kindness and consideration than ever +I have observed her to do before. I date the time of this +improvement from the period when she ceased to hope and strive for +Arthur's admiration. + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + + + +October 5th. - Esther Hargrave is getting a fine girl. She is not +out of the school-room yet, but her mother frequently brings her +over to call in the mornings when the gentlemen are out, and +sometimes she spends an hour or two in company with her sister and +me, and the children; and when we go to the Grove, I always +contrive to see her, and talk more to her than to any one else, for +I am very much attached to my little friend, and so is she to me. +I wonder what she can see to like in me though, for I am no longer +the happy, lively girl I used to be; but she has no other society, +save that of her uncongenial mother, and her governess (as +artificial and conventional a person as that prudent mother could +procure to rectify the pupil's natural qualities), and, now and +then, her subdued, quiet sister. I often wonder what will be her +lot in life, and so does she; but her speculations on the future +are full of buoyant hope; so were mine once. I shudder to think of +her being awakened, like me, to a sense of their delusive vanity. +It seems as if I should feel her disappointment, even more deeply +than my own. I feel almost as if I were born for such a fate, but +she is so joyous and fresh, so light of heart and free of spirit, +and so guileless and unsuspecting too. Oh, it would be cruel to +make her feel as I feel now, and know what I have known! + +Her sister trembles for her too. Yesterday morning, one of +October's brightest, loveliest days, Milicent and I were in the +garden enjoying a brief half-hour together with our children, while +Annabella was lying on the drawing-room sofa, deep in the last new +novel. We had been romping with the little creatures, almost as +merry and wild as themselves, and now paused in the shade of the +tall copper beech, to recover breath and rectify our hair, +disordered by the rough play and the frolicsome breeze, while they +toddled together along the broad, sunny walk; my Arthur supporting +the feebler steps of her little Helen, and sagaciously pointing out +to her the brightest beauties of the border as they passed, with +semi-articulate prattle, that did as well for her as any other mode +of discourse. From laughing at the pretty sight, we began to talk +of the children's future life; and that made us thoughtful. We +both relapsed into silent musing as we slowly proceeded up the +walk; and I suppose Milicent, by a train of associations, was led +to think of her sister. + +'Helen,' said she, 'you often see Esther, don't you?' + +'Not very often.' + +'But you have more frequent opportunities of meeting her than I +have; and she loves you, I know, and reverences you too: there is +nobody's opinion she thinks so much of; and she says you have more +sense than mamma.' + +'That is because she is self-willed, and my opinions more generally +coincide with her own than your mamma's. But what then, Milicent?' + +'Well, since you have so much influence with her, I wish you would +seriously impress it upon her, never, on any account, or for +anybody's persuasion, to marry for the sake of money, or rank, or +establishment, or any earthly thing, but true affection and well- +grounded esteem.' + +'There is no necessity for that,' said I, 'for we have had some +discourse on that subject already, and I assure you her ideas of +love and matrimony are as romantic as any one could desire.' + +'But romantic notions will not do: I want her to have true +notions.' + +'Very right: but in my judgment, what the world stigmatises as +romantic, is often more nearly allied to the truth than is commonly +supposed; for, if the generous ideas of youth are too often over- +clouded by the sordid views of after-life, that scarcely proves +them to be false.' + +'Well, but if you think her ideas are what they ought to be, +strengthen them, will you? and confirm them, as far as you can; for +I had romantic notions once, and - I don't mean to say that I +regret my lot, for I am quite sure I don't, but - ' + +'I understand you,' said I; 'you are contented for yourself, but +you would not have your sister to suffer the same as you.' + +'No - or worse. She might have far worse to suffer than I, for I +am really contented, Helen, though you mayn't think it: I speak +the solemn truth in saying that I would not exchange my husband for +any man on earth, if I might do it by the plucking of this leaf.' + +'Well, I believe you: now that you have him, you would not +exchange him for another; but then you would gladly exchange some +of his qualities for those of better men.' + +'Yes: just as I would gladly exchange some of my own qualities for +those of better women; for neither he nor I are perfect, and I +desire his improvement as earnestly as my own. And he will +improve, don't you think so, Helen? he's only six-and-twenty yet.' + +'He may,' I answered, + +'He will, he WILL!' repeated she. + +'Excuse the faintness of my acquiescence, Milicent, I would not +discourage your hopes for the world, but mine have been so often +disappointed, that I am become as cold and doubtful in my +expectations as the flattest of octogenarians.' + +'And yet you do hope, still, even for Mr. Huntingdon?' + +'I do, I confess, "even" for him; for it seems as if life and hope +must cease together. And is he so much worse, Milicent, than Mr. +Hattersley?' + +'Well, to give you my candid opinion, I think there is no +comparison between them. But you mustn't be offended, Helen, for +you know I always speak my mind, and you may speak yours too. I +sha'n't care.' + +'I am not offended, love; and my opinion is, that if there be a +comparison made between the two, the difference, for the most part, +is certainly in Hattersley's favour.' + +Milicent's own heart told her how much it cost me to make this +acknowledgment; and, with a childlike impulse, she expressed her +sympathy by suddenly kissing my cheek, without a word of reply, and +then turning quickly away, caught up her baby, and hid her face in +its frock. How odd it is that we so often weep for each other's +distresses, when we shed not a tear for our own! Her heart had +been full enough of her own sorrows, but it overflowed at the idea +of mine; and I, too, shed tears at the sight of her sympathetic +emotion, though I had not wept for myself for many a week. + +It was one rainy day last week; most of the company were killing +time in the billiard-room, but Milicent and I were with little +Arthur and Helen in the library, and between our books, our +children, and each other, we expected to make out a very agreeable +morning. We had not been thus secluded above two hours, however, +when Mr. Hattersley came in, attracted, I suppose, by the voice of +his child, as he was crossing the hall, for he is prodigiously fond +of her, and she of him. + +He was redolent of the stables, where he had been regaling himself +with the company of his fellow-creatures the horses ever since +breakfast. But that was no matter to my little namesake; as soon +as the colossal person of her father darkened the door, she uttered +a shrill scream of delight, and, quitting her mother's side, ran +crowing towards him, balancing her course with outstretched arms, +and embracing his knee, threw back her head and laughed in his +face. He might well look smilingly down upon those small, fair +features, radiant with innocent mirth, those clear blue shining +eyes, and that soft flaxen hair cast back upon the little ivory +neck and shoulders. Did he not think how unworthy he was of such a +possession? I fear no such idea crossed his mind. He caught her +up, and there followed some minutes of very rough play, during +which it is difficult to say whether the father or the daughter +laughed and shouted the loudest. At length, however, the +boisterous pastime terminated, suddenly, as might be expected: the +little one was hurt, and began to cry; and the ungentle play-fellow +tossed it into its mother's lap, bidding her 'make all straight.' +As happy to return to that gentle comforter as it had been to leave +her, the child nestled in her arms, and hushed its cries in a +moment; and sinking its little weary head on her bosom, soon +dropped asleep. + +Meantime Mr. Hattersley strode up to the fire, and interposing his +height and breadth between us and it, stood with arms akimbo, +expanding his chest, and gazing round him as if the house and all +its appurtenances and contents were his own undisputed possessions. + +'Deuced bad weather this!' he began. 'There'll be no shooting to- +day, I guess.' Then, suddenly lifting up his voice, he regaled us +with a few bars of a rollicking song, which abruptly ceasing, he +finished the tune with a whistle, and then continued:- 'I say, Mrs. +Huntingdon, what a fine stud your husband has! not large, but good. +I've been looking at them a bit this morning; and upon my word, +Black Boss, and Grey Tom, and that young Nimrod are the finest +animals I've seen for many a day!' Then followed a particular +discussion of their various merits, succeeded by a sketch of the +great things he intended to do in the horse-jockey line, when his +old governor thought proper to quit the stage. 'Not that I wish +him to close his accounts,' added he: 'the old Trojan is welcome +to keep his books open as long as he pleases for me.' + +'I hope so, indeed, Mr. Hattersley.' + +'Oh, yes! It's only my way of talking. The event must come some +time, and so I look to the bright side of it: that's the right +plan - isn't it, Mrs. H.? What are you two doing here? By-the-by, +where's Lady Lowborough?' + +'In the billiard-room.' + +'What a splendid creature she is!' continued he, fixing his eyes on +his wife, who changed colour, and looked more and more disconcerted +as he proceeded. 'What a noble figure she has; and what +magnificent black eyes; and what a fine spirit of her own; and what +a tongue of her own, too, when she likes to use it. I perfectly +adore her! But never mind, Milicent: I wouldn't have her for my +wife, not if she'd a kingdom for her dowry! I'm better satisfied +with the one I have. Now then! what do you look so sulky for? +don't you believe me?' + +'Yes, I believe you,' murmured she, in a tone of half sad, half +sullen resignation, as she turned away to stroke the hair of her +sleeping infant, that she had laid on the sofa beside her. + +'Well, then, what makes you so cross? Come here, Milly, and tell +me why you can't be satisfied with my assurance.' + +She went, and putting her little hand within his arm, looked up in +his face, and said softly, - + +'What does it amount to, Ralph? Only to this, that though you +admire Annabella so much, and for qualities that I don't possess, +you would still rather have me than her for your wife, which merely +proves that you don't think it necessary to love your wife; you are +satisfied if she can keep your house, and take care of your child. +But I'm not cross; I'm only sorry; for,' added she, in a low, +tremulous accent, withdrawing her hand from his arm, and bending +her looks on the rug, 'if you don't love me, you don't, and it +can't be helped.' + +'Very true; but who told you I didn't? Did I say I loved +Annabella?' + +'You said you adored her.' + +'True, but adoration isn't love. I adore Annabella, but I don't +love her; and I love thee, Milicent, but I don't adore thee.' In +proof of his affection, he clutched a handful of her light brown +ringlets, and appeared to twist them unmercifully. + +'Do you really, Ralph?' murmured she, with a faint smile beaming +through her tears, just putting up her hand to his, in token that +he pulled rather too hard. + +'To be sure I do,' responded he: 'only you bother me rather, +sometimes.' + +'I bother you!' cried she, in very natural surprise. + +'Yes, you - but only by your exceeding goodness. When a boy has +been eating raisins and sugar-plums all day, he longs for a squeeze +of sour orange by way of a change. And did you never, Milly, +observe the sands on the sea-shore; how nice and smooth they look, +and how soft and easy they feel to the foot? But if you plod +along, for half an hour, over this soft, easy carpet - giving way +at every step, yielding the more the harder you press, - you'll +find it rather wearisome work, and be glad enough to come to a bit +of good, firm rock, that won't budge an inch whether you stand, +walk, or stamp upon it; and, though it be hard as the nether +millstone, you'll find it the easier footing after all.' + +'I know what you mean, Ralph,' said she, nervously playing with her +watchguard and tracing the figure on the rug with the point of her +tiny foot - 'I know what you mean: but I thought you always liked +to be yielded to, and I can't alter now.' + +'I do like it,' replied he, bringing her to him by another tug at +her hair. 'You mustn't mind my talk, Milly. A man must have +something to grumble about; and if he can't complain that his wife +harries him to death with her perversity and ill-humour, he must +complain that she wears him out with her kindness and gentleness.' + +'But why complain at all, unless because you are tired and +dissatisfied?' + +'To excuse my own failings, to be sure. Do you think I'll bear all +the burden of my sins on my own shoulders, as long as there's +another ready to help me, with none of her own to carry?' + +'There is no such one on earth,' said she seriously; and then, +taking his hand from her head, she kissed it with an air of genuine +devotion, and tripped away to the door. + +'What now?' said he. 'Where are you going?' + +'To tidy my hair,' she answered, smiling through her disordered +locks; 'you've made it all come down.' + +'Off with you then! - An excellent little woman,' he remarked when +she was gone, 'but a thought too soft - she almost melts in one's +hands. I positively think I ill-use her sometimes, when I've taken +too much - but I can't help it, for she never complains, either at +the time or after. I suppose she doesn't mind it.' + +'I can enlighten you on that subject, Mr. Hattersley,' said I: +'she does mind it; and some other things she minds still more, +which yet you may never hear her complain of.' + +'How do you know? - does she complain to you?' demanded he, with a +sudden spark of fury ready to burst into a flame if I should answer +"yes." + +'No,' I replied; 'but I have known her longer and studied her more +closely than you have done. - And I can tell you, Mr. Hattersley, +that Milicent loves you more than you deserve, and that you have it +in your power to make her very happy, instead of which you are her +evil genius, and, I will venture to say, there is not a single day +passes in which you do not inflict upon her some pang that you +might spare her if you would.' + +'Well - it's not my fault,' said he, gazing carelessly up at the +ceiling and plunging his hands into his pockets: 'if my ongoings +don't suit her, she should tell me so.' + +'Is she not exactly the wife you wanted? Did you not tell Mr. +Huntingdon you must have one that would submit to anything without +a murmur, and never blame you, whatever you did?' + +'True, but we shouldn't always have what we want: it spoils the +best of us, doesn't it? How can I help playing the deuce when I +see it's all one to her whether I behave like a Christian or like a +scoundrel, such as nature made me? and how can I help teasing her +when she's so invitingly meek and mim, when she lies down like a +spaniel at my feet and never so much as squeaks to tell me that's +enough?' + +'If you are a tyrant by nature, the temptation is strong, I allow; +but no generous mind delights to oppress the weak, but rather to +cherish and protect.' + +'I don't oppress her; but it's so confounded flat to be always +cherishing and protecting; and then, how can I tell that I am +oppressing her when she "melts away and makes no sign"? I +sometimes think she has no feeling at all; and then I go on till +she cries, and that satisfies me.' + +'Then you do delight to oppress her?' + +'I don't, I tell you! only when I'm in a bad humour, or a +particularly good one, and want to afflict for the pleasure of +comforting; or when she looks flat and wants shaking up a bit. And +sometimes she provokes me by crying for nothing, and won't tell me +what it's for; and then, I allow, it enrages me past bearing, +especially when I'm not my own man.' + +'As is no doubt generally the case on such occasions,' said I. +'But in future, Mr. Hattersley, when you see her looking flat, or +crying for "nothing" (as you call it), ascribe it all to yourself: +be assured it is something you have done amiss, or your general +misconduct, that distresses her.' + +'I don't believe it. If it were, she should tell me so: I don't +like that way of moping and fretting in silence, and saying +nothing: it's not honest. How can she expect me to mend my ways +at that rate?' + +'Perhaps she gives you credit for having more sense than you +possess, and deludes herself with the hope that you will one day +see your own errors and repair them, if left to your own +reflection.' + +'None of your sneers, Mrs. Huntingdon. I have the sense to see +that I'm not always quite correct, but sometimes I think that's no +great matter, as long as I injure nobody but myself - ' + +'It is a great matter,' interrupted I, 'both to yourself (as you +will hereafter find to your cost) and to all connected with you, +most especially your wife. But, indeed, it is nonsense to talk +about injuring no one but yourself: it is impossible to injure +yourself, especially by such acts as we allude to, without injuring +hundreds, if not thousands, besides, in a greater or less, degree, +either by the evil you do or the good you leave undone.' + +'And as I was saying,' continued he, 'or would have said if you +hadn't taken me up so short, I sometimes think I should do better +if I were joined to one that would always remind me when I was +wrong, and give me a motive for doing good and eschewing evil, by +decidedly showing her approval of the one and disapproval of the +other.' + +'If you had no higher motive than the approval of your fellow- +mortal, it would do you little good.' + +'Well, but if I had a mate that would not always be yielding, and +always equally kind, but that would have the spirit to stand at bay +now and then, and honestly tell me her mind at all times, such a +one as yourself for instance. Now, if I went on with you as I do +with her when I'm in London, you'd make the house too hot to hold +me at times, I'll be sworn.' + +'You mistake me: I'm no termagant.' + +'Well, all the better for that, for I can't stand contradiction, in +a general way, and I'm as fond of my own will as another; only I +think too much of it doesn't answer for any man.' + +'Well, I would never contradict you without a cause, but certainly +I would always let you know what I thought of your conduct; and if +you oppressed me, in body, mind, or estate, you should at least +have no reason to suppose "I didn't mind it."' + +'I know that, my lady; and I think if my little wife were to follow +the same plan, it would be better for us both.' + +'I'll tell her.' + +'No, no, let her be; there's much to be said on both sides, and, +now I think upon it, Huntingdon often regrets that you are not more +like her, scoundrelly dog that he is, and you see, after all, you +can't reform him: he's ten times worse than I. He's afraid of +you, to be sure; that is, he's always on his best behaviour in your +presence - but - ' + +'I wonder what his worst behaviour is like, then?' I could not +forbear observing. + +'Why, to tell you the truth, it's very bad indeed - isn't it, +Hargrave?' said he, addressing that gentleman, who had entered the +room unperceived by me, for I was now standing near the fire, with +my back to the door. 'Isn't Huntingdon,' he continued, 'as great a +reprobate as ever was d-d?' + +'His lady will not hear him censured with impunity,' replied Mr. +Hargrave, coming forward; 'but I must say, I thank God I am not +such another.' + +'Perhaps it would become you better,' said I, 'to look at what you +are, and say, "God be merciful to me a sinner."' + +'You are severe,' returned he, bowing slightly and drawing himself +up with a proud yet injured air. Hattersley laughed, and clapped +him on the shoulder. Moving from under his hand with a gesture of +insulted dignity, Mr. Hargrave took himself away to the other end +of the rug. + +'Isn't it a shame, Mrs. Huntingdon?' cried his brother-in-law; 'I +struck Walter Hargrave when I was drunk, the second night after we +came, and he's turned a cold shoulder on me ever since; though I +asked his pardon the very morning after it was done!' + +'Your manner of asking it,' returned the other, 'and the clearness +with which you remembered the whole transaction, showed you were +not too drunk to be fully conscious of what you were about, and +quite responsible for the deed.' + +'You wanted to interfere between me and my wife,' grumbled +Hattersley, 'and that is enough to provoke any man.' + +'You justify it, then?' said his opponent, darting upon him a most +vindictive glance. + +'No, I tell you I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been under +excitement; and if you choose to bear malice for it after all the +handsome things I've said, do so and be d-d!' + +'I would refrain from such language in a lady's presence, at +least,' said Mr. Hargrave, hiding his anger under a mask of +disgust. + +'What have I said?' returned Hattersley: 'nothing but heaven's +truth. He will be damned, won't he, Mrs. Huntingdon, if he doesn't +forgive his brother's trespasses?' + +'You ought to forgive him, Mr. Hargrave, since he asks you,' said +I. + +'Do you say so? Then I will!' And, smiling almost frankly, he +stepped forward and offered his hand. It was immediately clasped +in that of his relative, and the reconciliation was apparently +cordial on both sides. + +'The affront,' continued Hargrave, turning to me, 'owed half its +bitterness to the fact of its being offered in your presence; and +since you bid me forgive it, I will, and forget it too.' + +'I guess the best return I can make will be to take myself off,' +muttered Hattersley, with a broad grin. His companion smiled, and +he left the room. This put me on my guard. Mr. Hargrave turned +seriously to me, and earnestly began, - + +'Dear Mrs. Huntingdon, how I have longed for, yet dreaded, this +hour! Do not be alarmed,' he added, for my face was crimson with +anger: 'I am not about to offend you with any useless entreaties +or complaints. I am not going to presume to trouble you with the +mention of my own feelings or your perfections, but I have +something to reveal to you which you ought to know, and which, yet, +it pains me inexpressibly - ' + +'Then don't trouble yourself to reveal it!' + +'But it is of importance - ' + +'If so I shall hear it soon enough, especially if it is bad news, +as you seem to consider it. At present I am going to take the +children to the nursery.' + +'But can't you ring and send them?' + +'No; I want the exercise of a run to the top of the house. Come, +Arthur.' + +'But you will return?' + +'Not yet; don't wait.' + +'Then when may I see you again?' + +'At lunch,' said I, departing with little Helen in one arm and +leading Arthur by the hand. + +He turned away, muttering some sentence of impatient censure or +complaint, in which 'heartless' was the only distinguishable word. + +'What nonsense is this, Mr. Hargrave?' said I, pausing in the +doorway. 'What do you mean?' + +'Oh, nothing; I did not intend you should hear my soliloquy. But +the fact is, Mrs. Huntingdon, I have a disclosure to make, painful +for me to offer as for you to hear; and I want you to give me a few +minutes of your attention in private at any time and place you like +to appoint. It is from no selfish motive that I ask it, and not +for any cause that could alarm your superhuman purity: therefore +you need not kill me with that look of cold and pitiless disdain. +I know too well the feelings with which the bearers of bad tidings +are commonly regarded not to - ' + +'What is this wonderful piece of intelligence?' said I, impatiently +interrupting him. 'If it is anything of real importance, speak it +in three words before I go.' + +'In three words I cannot. Send those children away and stay with +me.' + +'No; keep your bad tidings to yourself. I know it is something I +don't want to hear, and something you would displease me by +telling.' + +'You have divined too truly, I fear; but still, since I know it, I +feel it my duty to disclose it to you.' + +'Oh, spare us both the infliction, and I will exonerate you from +the duty. You have offered to tell; I have refused to hear: my +ignorance will not be charged on you.' + +'Be it so: you shall not hear it from me. But if the blow fall +too suddenly upon you when it comes, remember I wished to soften +it!' + +I left him. I was determined his words should not alarm me. What +could he, of all men, have to reveal that was of importance for me +to hear? It was no doubt some exaggerated tale about my +unfortunate husband that he wished to make the most of to serve his +own bad purposes. + +6th. - He has not alluded to this momentous mystery since, and I +have seen no reason to repent of my unwillingness to hear it. The +threatened blow has not been struck yet, and I do not greatly fear +it. At present I am pleased with Arthur: he has not positively +disgraced himself for upwards of a fortnight, and all this last +week has been so very moderate in his indulgence at table that I +can perceive a marked difference in his general temper and +appearance. Dare I hope this will continue? + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + + + +Seventh. - Yes, I will hope! To-night I heard Grimsby and +Hattersley grumbling together about the inhospitality of their +host. They did not know I was near, for I happened to be standing +behind the curtain in the bow of the window, watching the moon +rising over the clump of tall dark elm-trees below the lawn, and +wondering why Arthur was so sentimental as to stand without, +leaning against the outer pillar of the portico, apparently +watching it too. + +'So, I suppose we've seen the last of our merry carousals in this +house,' said Mr. Hattersley; 'I thought his good-fellowship +wouldn't last long. But,' added he, laughing, 'I didn't expect it +would meet its end this way. I rather thought our pretty hostess +would be setting up her porcupine quills, and threatening to turn +us out of the house if we didn't mind our manners.' + +'You didn't foresee this, then?' answered Grimsby, with a guttural +chuckle. 'But he'll change again when he's sick of her. If we +come here a year or two hence, we shall have all our own way, +you'll see.' + +'I don't know,' replied the other: 'she's not the style of woman +you soon tire of. But be that as it may, it's devilish provoking +now that we can't be jolly, because he chooses to be on his good +behaviour.' + +'It's all these cursed women!' muttered Grimsby: 'they're the very +bane of the world! They bring trouble and discomfort wherever they +come, with their false, fair faces and their deceitful tongues.' + +At this juncture I issued from my retreat, and smiling on Mr. +Grimsby as I passed, left the room and went out in search of +Arthur. Having seen him bend his course towards the shrubbery, I +followed him thither, and found him just entering the shadowy walk. +I was so light of heart, so overflowing with affection, that I +sprang upon him and clasped him in my arms. This startling conduct +had a singular effect upon him: first, he murmured, 'Bless you, +darling!' and returned my close embrace with a fervour like old +times, and then he started, and, in a tone of absolute terror, +exclaimed, 'Helen! what the devil is this?' and I saw, by the faint +light gleaming through the overshadowing tree, that he was +positively pale with the shock. + +How strange that the instinctive impulse of affection should come +first, and then the shock of the surprise! It shows, at least, +that the affection is genuine: he is not sick of me yet. + +'I startled you, Arthur,' said I, laughing in my glee. 'How +nervous you are!' + +'What the deuce did you do it for?' cried he, quite testily, +extricating himself from my arms, and wiping his forehead with his +handkerchief. 'Go back, Helen - go back directly! You'll get your +death of cold!' + +'I won't, till I've told you what I came for. They are blaming +you, Arthur, for your temperance and sobriety, and I'm come to +thank you for it. They say it is all "these cursed women," and +that we are the bane of the world; but don't let them laugh or +grumble you out of your good resolutions, or your affection for +me.' + +He laughed. I squeezed him in my arms again, and cried in tearful +earnest, 'Do, do persevere! and I'll love you better than ever I +did before!' + +'Well, well, I will!' said he, hastily kissing me. 'There, now, +go. You mad creature, how could you come out in your light evening +dress this chill autumn night?' + +'It is a glorious night,' said I. + +'It is a night that will give you your death, in another minute. +Run away, do!' + +'Do you see my death among those trees, Arthur?' said I, for he was +gazing intently at the shrubs, as if he saw it coming, and I was +reluctant to leave him, in my new-found happiness and revival of +hope and love. But he grew angry at my delay, so I kissed him and +ran back to the house. + +I was in such a good humour that night: Milicent told me I was the +life of the party, and whispered she had never seen me so +brilliant. Certainly, I talked enough for twenty, and smiled upon +them all. Grimsby, Hattersley, Hargrave, Lady Lowborough, all +shared my sisterly kindness. Grimsby stared and wondered; +Hattersley laughed and jested (in spite of the little wine he had +been suffered to imbibe), but still behaved as well as he knew how. +Hargrave and Annabella, from different motives and in different +ways, emulated me, and doubtless both surpassed me, the former in +his discursive versatility and eloquence, the latter in boldness +and animation at least. Milicent, delighted to see her husband, +her brother, and her over-estimated friend acquitting themselves so +well, was lively and gay too, in her quiet way. Even Lord +Lowborough caught the general contagion: his dark greenish eyes +were lighted up beneath their moody brows; his sombre countenance +was beautified by smiles; all traces of gloom and proud or cold +reserve had vanished for the time; and he astonished us all, not +only by his general cheerfulness and animation, but by the positive +flashes of true force and brilliance he emitted from time to time. +Arthur did not talk much, but he laughed, and listened to the rest, +and was in perfect good-humour, though not excited by wine. So +that, altogether, we made a very merry, innocent, and entertaining +party. + +9th. - Yesterday, when Rachel came to dress me for dinner, I saw +that she had been crying. I wanted to know the cause of it, but +she seemed reluctant to tell. Was she unwell? No. Had she heard +bad news from her friends? No. Had any of the servants vexed her? + +'Oh, no, ma'am!' she answered; 'it's not for myself.' + +'What then, Rachel? Have you been reading novels?' + +'Bless you, no!' said she, with a sorrowful shake of the head; and +then she sighed and continued: 'But to tell you the truth, ma'am, +I don't like master's ways of going on.' + +'What do you mean, Rachel? He's going on very properly at +present.' + +'Well, ma'am, if you think so, it's right.' + +And she went on dressing my hair, in a hurried way, quite unlike +her usual calm, collected manner, murmuring, half to herself, she +was sure it was beautiful hair: she 'could like to see 'em match +it.' When it was done, she fondly stroked it, and gently patted my +head. + +'Is that affectionate ebullition intended for my hair, or myself, +nurse?' said I, laughingly turning round upon her; but a tear was +even now in her eye. + +'What do you mean, Rachel?' I exclaimed. + +'Well, ma'am, I don't know; but if - ' + +'If what?' + +'Well, if I was you, I wouldn't have that Lady Lowborough in the +house another minute - not another minute I wouldn't! + +I was thunderstruck; but before I could recover from the shock +sufficiently to demand an explanation, Milicent entered my room, as +she frequently does when she is dressed before me; and she stayed +with me till it was time to go down. She must have found me a very +unsociable companion this time, for Rachel's last words rang in my +ears. But still I hoped, I trusted they had no foundation but in +some idle rumour of the servants from what they had seen in Lady +Lowborough's manner last month; or perhaps from something that had +passed between their master and her during her former visit. At +dinner I narrowly observed both her and Arthur, and saw nothing +extraordinary in the conduct of either, nothing calculated to +excite suspicion, except in distrustful minds, which mine was not, +and therefore I would not suspect. + +Almost immediately after dinner Annabella went out with her husband +to share his moonlight ramble, for it was a splendid evening like +the last. Mr. Hargrave entered the drawing-room a little before +the others, and challenged me to a game of chess. He did it +without any of that sad but proud humility he usually assumes in +addressing me, unless he is excited with wine. I looked at his +face to see if that was the case now. His eye met mine keenly, but +steadily: there was something about him I did not understand, but +he seemed sober enough. Not choosing to engage with him, I +referred him to Milicent. + +'She plays badly,' said he, 'I want to match my skill with yours. +Come now! you can't pretend you are reluctant to lay down your +work. I know you never take it up except to pass an idle hour, +when there is nothing better you can do.' + +'But chess-players are so unsociable,' I objected; 'they are no +company for any but themselves.' + +'There is no one here but Milicent, and she - ' + +'Oh, I shall be delighted to watch you!' cried our mutual friend. +'Two such players - it will be quite a treat! I wonder which will +conquer.' + +I consented. + +'Now, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said Hargrave, as he arranged the men on +the board, speaking distinctly, and with a peculiar emphasis, as if +he had a double meaning to all his words, 'you are a good player, +but I am a better: we shall have a long game, and you will give me +some trouble; but I can be as patient as you, and in the end I +shall certainly win.' He fixed his eyes upon me with a glance I +did not like, keen, crafty, bold, and almost impudent; - already +half triumphant in his anticipated success. + +'I hope not, Mr. Hargrave!' returned I, with vehemence that must +have startled Milicent at least; but he only smiled and murmured, +'Time will show.' + +We set to work: he sufficiently interested in the game, but calm +and fearless in the consciousness of superior skill: I, intensely +eager to disappoint his expectations, for I considered this the +type of a more serious contest, as I imagined he did, and I felt an +almost superstitious dread of being beaten: at all events, I could +ill endure that present success should add one tittle to his +conscious power (his insolent self-confidence I ought to say), or +encourage for a moment his dream of future conquest. His play was +cautious and deep, but I struggled hard against him. For some time +the combat was doubtful: at length, to my joy, the victory seemed +inclining to my side: I had taken several of his best pieces, and +manifestly baffled his projects. He put his hand to his brow and +paused, in evident perplexity. I rejoiced in my advantage, but +dared not glory in it yet. At length, he lifted his head, and +quietly making his move, looked at me and said, calmly, 'Now you +think you will win, don't you?' + +'I hope so,' replied I, taking his pawn that he had pushed into the +way of my bishop with so careless an air that I thought it was an +oversight, but was not generous enough, under the circumstances, to +direct his attention to it, and too heedless, at the moment, to +foresee the after-consequences of my move. + +'It is those bishops that trouble me,' said he; 'but the bold +knight can overleap the reverend gentlemen,' taking my last bishop +with his knight; 'and now, those sacred persons once removed, I +shall carry all before me.' + +'Oh, Walter, how you talk!' cried Milicent; 'she has far more +pieces than you still.' + +'I intend to give you some trouble yet,' said I; 'and perhaps, sir, +you will find yourself checkmated before you are aware. Look to +your queen.' + +The combat deepened. The game was a long one, and I did give him +some trouble: but he was a better player than I. + +'What keen gamesters you are!' said Mr. Hattersley, who had now +entered, and been watching us for some time. 'Why, Mrs. +Huntingdon, your hand trembles as if you had staked your all upon +it! and, Walter, you dog, you look as deep and cool as if you were +certain of success, and as keen and cruel as if you would drain her +heart's blood! But if I were you, I wouldn't beat her, for very +fear: she'll hate you if you do - she will, by heaven! I see it +in her eye.' + +'Hold your tongue, will you?' said I: his talk distracted me, for +I was driven to extremities. A few more moves, and I was +inextricably entangled in the snare of my antagonist. + +'Check,' cried he: I sought in agony some means of escape. +'Mate!' he added, quietly, but with evident delight. He had +suspended the utterance of that last fatal syllable the better to +enjoy my dismay. I was foolishly disconcerted by the event. +Hattersley laughed; Milicent was troubled to see me so disturbed. +Hargrave placed his hand on mine that rested on the table, and +squeezing it with a firm but gentle pressure, murmured, 'Beaten, +beaten!' and gazed into my face with a look where exultation was +blended with an expression of ardour and tenderness yet more +insulting. + +'No, never, Mr. Hargrave!' exclaimed I, quickly withdrawing my +hand. + +'Do you deny?' replied he, smilingly pointing to the board. 'No, +no,' I answered, recollecting how strange my conduct must appear: +'you have beaten me in that game.' + +'Will you try another, then?' + +'No.' + +'You acknowledge my superiority?' + +'Yes, as a chess-player.' + +I rose to resume my work. + +'Where is Annabella?' said Hargrave, gravely, after glancing round +the room. + +'Gone out with Lord Lowborough,' answered I, for he looked at me +for a reply. + +'And not yet returned!' he said, seriously. + +'I suppose not.' + +'Where is Huntingdon?' looking round again. + +'Gone out with Grimsby, as you know,' said Hattersley, suppressing +a laugh, which broke forth as he concluded the sentence. Why did +he laugh? Why did Hargrave connect them thus together? Was it +true, then? And was this the dreadful secret he had wished to +reveal to me? I must know, and that quickly. I instantly rose and +left the room to go in search of Rachel and demand an explanation +of her words; but Mr. Hargrave followed me into the anteroom, and +before I could open its outer door, gently laid his hand upon the +lock. 'May I tell you something, Mrs. Huntingdon?' said he, in a +subdued tone, with serious, downcast eyes. + +'If it be anything worth hearing,' replied I, struggling to be +composed, for I trembled in every limb. + +He quietly pushed a chair towards me. I merely leant my hand upon +it, and bid him go on. + +'Do not be alarmed,' said he: 'what I wish to say is nothing in +itself; and I will leave you to draw your own inferences from it. +You say that Annabella is not yet returned?' + +'Yes, yes - go on!' said I, impatiently; for I feared my forced +calmness would leave me before the end of his disclosure, whatever +it might be. + +'And you hear,' continued he, 'that Huntingdon is gone out with +Grimsby?' + +'Well?' + +'I heard the latter say to your husband - or the man who calls +himself so - ' + +'Go on, sir!' + +He bowed submissively, and continued: 'I heard him say, - "I shall +manage it, you'll see! They're gone down by the water; I shall +meet them there, and tell him I want a bit of talk with him about +some things that we needn't trouble the lady with; and she'll say +she can be walking back to the house; and then I shall apologise, +you know, and all that, and tip her a wink to take the way of the +shrubbery. I'll keep him talking there, about those matters I +mentioned, and anything else I can think of, as long as I can, and +then bring him round the other way, stopping to look at the trees, +the fields, and anything else I can find to discourse of."' Mr. +Hargrave paused, and looked at me. + +Without a word of comment or further questioning, I rose, and +darted from the room and out of the house. The torment of suspense +was not to be endured: I would not suspect my husband falsely, on +this man's accusation, and I would not trust him unworthily - I +must know the truth at once. I flew to the shrubbery. Scarcely +had I reached it, when a sound of voices arrested my breathless +speed. + +'We have lingered too long; he will be back,' said Lady +Lowborough's voice. + +'Surely not, dearest!' was his reply; 'but you can run across the +lawn, and get in as quietly as you can; I'll follow in a while.' + +My knees trembled under me; my brain swam round. I was ready to +faint. She must not see me thus. I shrunk among the bushes, and +leant against the trunk of a tree to let her pass. + +'Ah, Huntingdon!' said she reproachfully, pausing where I had stood +with him the night before - 'it was here you kissed that woman!' +she looked back into the leafy shade. Advancing thence, he +answered, with a careless laugh, - + +'Well, dearest, I couldn't help it. You know I must keep straight +with her as long as I can. Haven't I seen you kiss your dolt of a +husband scores of times? - and do I ever complain?' + +'But tell me, don't you love her still - a little?' said she, +placing her hand on his arm, looking earnestly in his face - for I +could see them, plainly, the moon shining full upon them from +between the branches of the tree that sheltered me. + +'Not one bit, by all that's sacred!' he replied, kissing her +glowing cheek. + +'Good heavens, I must be gone!' cried she, suddenly breaking from +him, and away she flew. + +There he stood before me; but I had not strength to confront him +now: my tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth; I was well-nigh +sinking to the earth, and I almost wondered he did not hear the +beating of my heart above the low sighing of the wind and the +fitful rustle of the falling leaves. My senses seemed to fail me, +but still I saw his shadowy form pass before me, and through the +rushing sound in my ears I distinctly heard him say, as he stood +looking up the lawn, - 'There goes the fool! Run, Annabella, run! +There - in with you! Ah, - he didn't see! That's right, Grimsby, +keep him back!' And even his low laugh reached me as he walked +away. + +'God help me now!' I murmured, sinking on my knees among the damp +weeds and brushwood that surrounded me, and looking up at the +moonlit sky, through the scant foliage above. It seemed all dim +and quivering now to my darkened sight. My burning, bursting heart +strove to pour forth its agony to God, but could not frame its +anguish into prayer; until a gust of wind swept over me, which, +while it scattered the dead leaves, like blighted hopes, around, +cooled my forehead, and seemed a little to revive my sinking frame. +Then, while I lifted up my soul in speechless, earnest +supplication, some heavenly influence seemed to strengthen me +within: I breathed more freely; my vision cleared; I saw +distinctly the pure moon shining on, and the light clouds skimming +the clear, dark sky; and then I saw the eternal stars twinkling +down upon me; I knew their God was mine, and He was strong to save +and swift to hear. 'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee,' +seemed whispered from above their myriad orbs. No, no; I felt He +would not leave me comfortless: in spite of earth and hell I +should have strength for all my trials, and win a glorious rest at +last! + +Refreshed, invigorated, if not composed, I rose and returned to the +house. Much of my new-born strength and courage forsook me, I +confess, as I entered it, and shut out the fresh wind and the +glorious sky: everything I saw and heard seemed to sicken my heart +- the hall, the lamp, the staircase, the doors of the different +apartments, the social sound of talk and laughter from the drawing- +room. How could I bear my future life! In this house, among those +people - oh, how could I endure to live! John just then entered +the hall, and seeing me, told me he had been sent in search of me, +adding that he had taken in the tea, and master wished to know if I +were coming. + +'Ask Mrs. Hattersley to be so kind as to make the tea, John,' said +I. 'Say I am not well to-night, and wish to be excused.' + +I retired into the large, empty dining-room, where all was silence +and darkness, but for the soft sighing of the wind without, and the +faint gleam of moonlight that pierced the blinds and curtains; and +there I walked rapidly up and down, thinking of my bitter thoughts +alone. How different was this from the evening of yesterday! +That, it seems, was the last expiring flash of my life's happiness. +Poor, blinded fool that I was to be so happy! I could now see the +reason of Arthur's strange reception of me in the shrubbery; the +burst of kindness was for his paramour, the start of horror for his +wife. Now, too, I could better understand the conversation between +Hattersley and Grimsby; it was doubtless of his love for her they +spoke, not for me. + +I heard the drawing-room door open: a light quick step came out of +the ante-room, crossed the hall, and ascended the stairs. It was +Milicent, poor Milicent, gone to see how I was - no one else cared +for me; but she still was kind. I shed no tears before, but now +they came, fast and free. Thus she did me good, without +approaching me. Disappointed in her search, I heard her come down, +more slowly than she had ascended. Would she come in there, and +find me out? No, she turned in the opposite direction and re- +entered the drawing-room. I was glad, for I knew not how to meet +her, or what to say. I wanted no confidante in my distress. I +deserved none, and I wanted none. I had taken the burden upon +myself; let me bear it alone. + +As the usual hour of retirement approached I dried my eyes, and +tried to clear my voice and calm my mind. I must see Arthur to- +night, and speak to him; but I would do it calmly: there should be +no scene - nothing to complain or to boast of to his companions - +nothing to laugh at with his lady-love. When the company were +retiring to their chambers I gently opened the door, and just as he +passed, beckoned him in. + +'What's to do with you, Helen?' said he. 'Why couldn't you come to +make tea for us? and what the deuce are you here for, in the dark? +What ails you, young woman: you look like a ghost!' he continued, +surveying me by the light of his candle. + +'No matter,' I answered, 'to you; you have no longer any regard for +me it appears; and I have no longer any for you.' + +'Hal-lo! what the devil is this?' he muttered. + +'I would leave you to-morrow,' continued I, 'and never again come +under this roof, but for my child' - I paused a moment to steady, +my voice. + +'What in the devil's name is this, Helen?' cried he. 'What can you +be driving at?' + +'You know perfectly well. Let us waste no time in useless +explanation, but tell me, will you -?' + +He vehemently swore he knew nothing about it, and insisted upon +hearing what poisonous old woman had been blackening his name, and +what infamous lies I had been fool enough to believe. + +'Spare yourself the trouble of forswearing yourself and racking +your brains to stifle truth with falsehood,' I coldly replied. 'I +have trusted to the testimony of no third person. I was in the +shrubbery this evening, and I saw and heard for myself.' + +This was enough. He uttered a suppressed exclamation of +consternation and dismay, and muttering, 'I shall catch it now!' +set down his candle on the nearest chair, and rearing his back +against the wall, stood confronting me with folded arms. + +'Well, what then?' said he, with the calm insolence of mingled +shamelessness and desperation. + +'Only this,' returned I; 'will you let me take our child and what +remains of my fortune, and go?' + +'Go where?' + +'Anywhere, where he will be safe from your contaminating influence, +and I shall be delivered from your presence, and you from mine.' + +'No.' + +'Will you let me have the child then, without the money?' + +'No, nor yourself without the child. Do you think I'm going to be +made the talk of the country for your fastidious caprices?' + +'Then I must stay here, to be hated and despised. But henceforth +we are husband and wife only in the name.' + +'Very good.' + +'I am your child's mother, and your housekeeper, nothing more. So +you need not trouble yourself any longer to feign the love you +cannot feel: I will exact no more heartless caresses from you, nor +offer nor endure them either. I will not be mocked with the empty +husk of conjugal endearments, when you have given the substance to +another!' + +'Very good, if you please. We shall see who will tire first, my +lady.' + +'If I tire, it will be of living in the world with you: not of +living without your mockery of love. When you tire of your sinful +ways, and show yourself truly repentant, I will forgive you, and, +perhaps, try to love you again, though that will be hard indeed.' + +'Humph! and meantime you will go and talk me over to Mrs. Hargrave, +and write long letters to aunt Maxwell to complain of the wicked +wretch you have married?' + +'I shall complain to no one. Hitherto I have struggled hard to +hide your vices from every eye, and invest you with virtues you +never possessed; but now you must look to yourself.' + +I left him muttering bad language to himself, and went up-stairs. + +'You are poorly, ma'am,' said Rachel, surveying me with deep +anxiety. + +'It is too true, Rachel,' said I, answering her sad looks rather +than her words. + +'I knew it, or I wouldn't have mentioned such a thing.' + +'But don't you trouble yourself about it,' said I, kissing her +pale, time-wasted cheek. 'I can bear it better than you imagine.' + +'Yes, you were always for "bearing." But if I was you I wouldn't +bear it; I'd give way to it, and cry right hard! and I'd talk too, +I just would - I'd let him know what it was to - ' + +'I have talked,' said I; 'I've said enough.' + +'Then I'd cry,' persisted she. 'I wouldn't look so white and so +calm, and burst my heart with keeping it in.' + +'I have cried,' said I, smiling, in spite of my misery; 'and I am +calm now, really: so don't discompose me again, nurse: let us say +no more about it, and don't mention it to the servants. There, you +may go now. Good-night; and don't disturb your rest for me: I +shall sleep well - if I can.' + +Notwithstanding this resolution, I found my bed so intolerable +that, before two o'clock, I rose, and lighting my candle by the +rushlight that was still burning, I got my desk and sat down in my +dressing-gown to recount the events of the past evening. It was +better to be so occupied than to be lying in bed torturing my brain +with recollections of the far past and anticipations of the +dreadful future. I have found relief in describing the very +circumstances that have destroyed my peace, as well as the little +trivial details attendant upon their discovery. No sleep I could +have got this night would have done so much towards composing my +mind, and preparing me to meet the trials of the day. I fancy so, +at least; and yet, when I cease writing, I find my head aches +terribly; and when I look into the glass, I am startled at my +haggard, worn appearance. + +Rachel has been to dress me, and says I have had a sad night of it, +she can see. Milicent has just looked in to ask me how I was. I +told her I was better, but to excuse my appearance admitted I had +had a restless night. I wish this day were over! I shudder at the +thoughts of going down to breakfast. How shall I encounter them +all? Yet let me remember it is not I that am guilty: I have no +cause to fear; and if they scorn me as a victim of their guilt, I +can pity their folly and despise their scorn. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + + + +Evening. - Breakfast passed well over: I was calm and cool +throughout. I answered composedly all inquiries respecting my +health; and whatever was unusual in my look or manner was generally +attributed to the trifling indisposition that had occasioned my +early retirement last night. But how am I to get over the ten or +twelve days that must yet elapse before they go? Yet why so long +for their departure? When they are gone, how shall I get through +the months or years of my future life in company with that man - my +greatest enemy? for none could injure me as he has done. Oh! when +I think how fondly, how foolishly I have loved him, how madly I +have trusted him, how constantly I have laboured, and studied, and +prayed, and struggled for his advantage; and how cruelly he has +trampled on my love, betrayed my trust, scorned my prayers and +tears, and efforts for his preservation, crushed my hopes, +destroyed my youth's best feelings, and doomed me to a life of +hopeless misery, as far as man can do it, it is not enough to say +that I no longer love my husband - I HATE him! The word stares me +in the face like a guilty confession, but it is true: I hate him - +I hate him! But God have mercy on his miserable soul! and make him +see and feel his guilt - I ask no other vengeance! If he could but +fully know and truly feel my wrongs I should be well avenged, and I +could freely pardon all; but he is so lost, so hardened in his +heartless depravity, that in this life I believe he never will. +But it is useless dwelling on this theme: let me seek once more to +dissipate reflection in the minor details of passing events. + +Mr. Hargrave has annoyed me all day long with his serious, +sympathising, and (as he thinks) unobtrusive politeness. If it +were more obtrusive it would trouble me less, for then I could snub +him; but, as it is, he contrives to appear so really kind and +thoughtful that I cannot do so without rudeness and seeming +ingratitude. I sometimes think I ought to give him credit for the +good feeling he simulates so well; and then again, I think it is my +duty to suspect him under the peculiar circumstances in which I am +placed. His kindness may not all be feigned; but still, let not +the purest impulse of gratitude to him induce me to forget myself: +let me remember the game of chess, the expressions he used on the +occasion, and those indescribable looks of his, that so justly +roused my indignation, and I think I shall be safe enough. I have +done well to record them so minutely. + +I think he wishes to find an opportunity of speaking to me alone: +he has seemed to be on the watch all day; but I have taken care to +disappoint him - not that I fear anything he could say, but I have +trouble enough without the addition of his insulting consolations, +condolences, or whatever else he might attempt; and, for Milicent's +sake, I do not wish to quarrel with him. He excused himself from +going out to shoot with the other gentlemen in the morning, under +the pretext of having letters to write; and instead of retiring for +that purpose into the library, he sent for his desk into the +morning-room, where I was seated with Milicent and Lady Lowborough. +They had betaken themselves to their work; I, less to divert my +mind than to deprecate conversation, had provided myself with a +book. Milicent saw that I wished to be quiet, and accordingly let +me alone. Annabella, doubtless, saw it too: but that was no +reason why she should restrain her tongue, or curb her cheerful +spirits: she accordingly chatted away, addressing herself almost +exclusively to me, and with the utmost assurance and familiarity, +growing the more animated and friendly the colder and briefer my +answers became. Mr. Hargrave saw that I could ill endure it, and, +looking up from his desk, he answered her questions and +observations for me, as far as he could, and attempted to transfer +her social attentions from me to himself; but it would not do. +Perhaps she thought I had a headache, and could not bear to talk; +at any rate, she saw that her loquacious vivacity annoyed me, as I +could tell by the malicious pertinacity with which she persisted. +But I checked it effectually by putting into her hand the book I +had been trying to read, on the fly-leaf of which I had hastily +scribbled, - + +'I am too well acquainted with your character and conduct to feel +any real friendship for you, and as I am without your talent for +dissimulation, I cannot assume the appearance of it. I must, +therefore, beg that hereafter all familiar intercourse may cease +between us; and if I still continue to treat you with civility, as +if you were a woman worthy of consideration and respect, understand +that it is out of regard for your cousin Milicent's feelings, not +for yours.' + +Upon perusing this she turned scarlet, and bit her lip. Covertly +tearing away the leaf, she crumpled it up and put it in the fire, +and then employed herself in turning over the pages of the book, +and, really or apparently, perusing its contents. In a little +while Milicent announced it her intention to repair to the nursery, +and asked if I would accompany her. + +'Annabella will excuse us,' said she; 'she's busy reading.' + +'No, I won't,' cried Annabella, suddenly looking up, and throwing +her book on the table; 'I want to speak to Helen a minute. You may +go, Milicent, and she'll follow in a while.' (Milicent went.) +'Will you oblige me, Helen?' continued she. + +Her impudence astounded me; but I complied, and followed her into +the library. She closed the door, and walked up to the fire. + +'Who told you this?' said she. + +'No one: I am not incapable of seeing for myself.' + +'Ah, you are suspicious!' cried she, smiling, with a gleam of hope. +Hitherto there had been a kind of desperation in her hardihood; now +she was evidently relieved. + +'If I were suspicious,' I replied, 'I should have discovered your +infamy long before. No, Lady Lowborough, I do not found my charge +upon suspicion.' + +'On what do you found it, then?' said she, throwing herself into an +arm-chair, and stretching out her feet to the fender, with an +obvious effort to appear composed. + +'I enjoy a moonlight ramble as well as you,' I answered, steadily +fixing my eyes upon her; 'and the shrubbery happens to be one of my +favourite resorts.' + +She coloured again excessively, and remained silent, pressing her +finger against her teeth, and gazing into the fire. I watched her +a few moments with a feeling of malevolent gratification; then, +moving towards the door, I calmly asked if she had anything more to +say. + +'Yes, yes!' cried she eagerly, starting up from her reclining +posture. 'I want to know if you will tell Lord Lowborough?' + +'Suppose I do?' + +'Well, if you are disposed to publish the matter, I cannot dissuade +you, of course - but there will be terrible work if you do - and if +you don't, I shall think you the most generous of mortal beings - +and if there is anything in the world I can do for you - anything +short of - ' she hesitated. + +'Short of renouncing your guilty connection with my husband, I +suppose you mean?' said I. + +She paused, in evident disconcertion and perplexity, mingled with +anger she dared not show. + +'I cannot renounce what is dearer than life,' she muttered, in a +low, hurried tone. Then, suddenly raising her head and fixing her +gleaming eyes upon me, she continued earnestly: 'But, Helen - or +Mrs. Huntingdon, or whatever you would have me call you - will you +tell him? If you are generous, here is a fitting opportunity for +the exercise of your magnanimity: if you are proud, here am I - +your rival - ready to acknowledge myself your debtor for an act of +the most noble forbearance.' + +'I shall not tell him.' + +'You will not!' cried she, delightedly. 'Accept my sincere thanks, +then!' + +She sprang up, and offered me her hand. I drew back. + +'Give me no thanks; it is not for your sake that I refrain. +Neither is it an act of any forbearance: I have no wish to publish +your shame. I should be sorry to distress your husband with the +knowledge of it.' + +'And Milicent? will you tell her?' + +'No: on the contrary, I shall do my utmost to conceal it from her. +I would not for much that she should know the infamy and disgrace +of her relation!' + +'You use hard words, Mrs. Huntingdon, but I can pardon you.' + +'And now, Lady Lowborough,' continued I, 'let me counsel you to +leave this house as soon as possible. You must be aware that your +continuance here is excessively disagreeable to me - not for Mr. +Huntingdon's sake,' said I, observing the dawn of a malicious smile +of triumph on her face - 'you are welcome to him, if you like him, +as far as I am concerned - but because it is painful to be always +disguising my true sentiments respecting you, and straining to keep +up an appearance of civility and respect towards one for whom I +have not the most distant shadow of esteem; and because, if you +stay, your conduct cannot possibly remain concealed much longer +from the only two persons in the house who do not know it already. +And, for your husband's sake, Annabella, and even for your own, I +wish - I earnestly advise and entreat you to break off this +unlawful connection at once, and return to your duty while you may, +before the dreadful consequences - ' + +'Yes, yes, of course,' said she, interrupting me with a gesture of +impatience. 'But I cannot go, Helen, before the time appointed for +our departure. What possible pretext could I frame for such a +thing? Whether I proposed going back alone - which Lowborough +would not hear of - or taking him with me, the very circumstance +itself would be certain to excite suspicion - and when our visit is +so nearly at an end too - little more than a week - surely you can +endure my presence so long! I will not annoy you with any more of +my friendly impertinences.' + +'Well, I have nothing more to say to you.' + +'Have you mentioned this affair to Huntingdon?' asked she, as I was +leaving the room. + +'How dare you mention his name to me!' was the only answer I gave. + +No words have passed between us since, but such as outward decency +or pure necessity demanded. + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + + + +Nineteenth. - In proportion as Lady Lowborough finds she has +nothing to fear from me, and as the time of departure draws nigh, +the more audacious and insolent she becomes. She does not scruple +to speak to my husband with affectionate familiarity in my +presence, when no one else is by, and is particularly fond of +displaying her interest in his health and welfare, or in anything +that concerns him, as if for the purpose of contrasting her kind +solicitude with my cold indifference. And he rewards her by such +smiles and glances, such whispered words, or boldly-spoken +insinuations, indicative of his sense of her goodness and my +neglect, as make the blood rush into my face, in spite of myself - +for I would be utterly regardless of it all - deaf and blind to +everything that passes between them, since the more I show myself +sensible of their wickedness the more she triumphs in her victory, +and the more he flatters himself that I love him devotedly still, +in spite of my pretended indifference. On such occasions I have +sometimes been startled by a subtle, fiendish suggestion inciting +me to show him the contrary by a seeming encouragement of +Hargrave's advances; but such ideas are banished in a moment with +horror and self-abasement; and then I hate him tenfold more than +ever for having brought me to this! - God pardon me for it and all +my sinful thoughts! Instead of being humbled and purified by my +afflictions, I feel that they are turning my nature into gall. +This must be my fault as much as theirs that wrong me. No true +Christian could cherish such bitter feelings as I do against him +and her, especially the latter: him, I still feel that I could +pardon - freely, gladly - on the slightest token of repentance; but +she - words cannot utter my abhorrence. Reason forbids, but +passion urges strongly; and I must pray and struggle long ere I +subdue it. + +It is well that she is leaving to-morrow, for I could not well +endure her presence for another day. This morning she rose earlier +than usual. I found her in the room alone, when I went down to +breakfast. + +'Oh, Helen! is it you?' said she, turning as I entered. + +I gave an involuntary start back on seeing her, at which she +uttered a short laugh, observing, 'I think we are both +disappointed.' + +I came forward and busied myself with the breakfast things. + +'This is the last day I shall burden your hospitality,' said she, +as she seated herself at the table. 'Ah, here comes one that will +not rejoice at it!' she murmured, half to herself, as Arthur +entered the room. + +He shook hands with her and wished her good-morning: then, looking +lovingly in her face, and still retaining her hand in his, murmured +pathetically, 'The last - last day!' + +'Yes,' said she with some asperity; 'and I rose early to make the +best of it - I have been here alone this half-hour, and you - you +lazy creature - ' + +'Well, I thought I was early too,' said he; 'but,' dropping his +voice almost to a whisper, 'you see we are not alone.' + +'We never are,' returned she. But they were almost as good as +alone, for I was now standing at the window, watching the clouds, +and struggling to suppress my wrath. + +Some more words passed between them, which, happily, I did not +overhear; but Annabella had the audacity to come and place herself +beside me, and even to put her hand upon my shoulder and say +softly, 'You need not grudge him to me, Helen, for I love him more +than ever you could do.' + +This put me beside myself. I took her hand and violently dashed it +from me, with an expression of abhorrence and indignation that +could not be suppressed. Startled, almost appalled, by this sudden +outbreak, she recoiled in silence. I would have given way to my +fury and said more, but Arthur's low laugh recalled me to myself. +I checked the half-uttered invective, and scornfully turned away, +regretting that I had given him so much amusement. He was still +laughing when Mr. Hargrave made his appearance. How much of the +scene he had witnessed I do not know, for the door was ajar when he +entered. He greeted his host and his cousin both coldly, and me +with a glance intended to express the deepest sympathy mingled with +high admiration and esteem. + +'How much allegiance do you owe to that man?' he asked below his +breath, as he stood beside me at the window, affecting to be making +observations on the weather. + +'None,' I answered. And immediately returning to the table, I +employed myself in making the tea. He followed, and would have +entered into some kind of conversation with me, but the other +guests were now beginning to assemble, and I took no more notice of +him, except to give him his coffee. + +After breakfast, determined to pass as little of the day as +possible in company with Lady Lowborough, I quietly stole away from +the company and retired to the library. Mr. Hargrave followed me +thither, under pretence of coming for a book; and first, turning to +the shelves, he selected a volume, and then quietly, but by no +means timidly, approaching me, he stood beside me, resting his hand +on the back of my chair, and said softly, 'And so you consider +yourself free at last?' + +'Yes,' said I, without moving, or raising my eyes from my book, +'free to do anything but offend God and my conscience.' + +There was a momentary pause. + +'Very right,' said he, 'provided your conscience be not too +morbidly tender, and your ideas of God not too erroneously severe; +but can you suppose it would offend that benevolent Being to make +the happiness of one who would die for yours? - to raise a devoted +heart from purgatorial torments to a state of heavenly bliss, when +you could do it without the slightest injury to yourself or any +other?' + +This was spoken in a low, earnest, melting tone, as he bent over +me. I now raised my head; and steadily confronting his gaze, I +answered calmly, 'Mr. Hargrave, do you mean to insult me?' + +He was not prepared for this. He paused a moment to recover the +shook; then, drawing himself up and removing his hand from my +chair, he answered, with proud sadness, - 'That was not my +intention.' + +I just glanced towards the door, with a slight movement of the +head, and then returned to my book. He immediately withdrew. This +was better than if I had answered with more words, and in the +passionate spirit to which my first impulse would have prompted. +What a good thing it is to be able to command one's temper! I must +labour to cultivate this inestimable quality: God only knows how +often I shall need it in this rough, dark road that lies before me. + +In the course of the morning I drove over to the Grove with the two +ladies, to give Milicent an opportunity for bidding farewell to her +mother and sister. They persuaded her to stay with them the rest +of the day, Mrs. Hargrave promising to bring her back in the +evening and remain till the party broke up on the morrow. +Consequently, Lady Lowborough and I had the pleasure of returning +TETE-E-TETE in the carriage together. For the first mile or two we +kept silence, I looking out of my window, and she leaning back in +her corner. But I was not going to restrict myself to any +particular position for her; when I was tired of leaning forward, +with the cold, raw wind in my face, and surveying the russet hedges +and the damp, tangled grass of their banks, I gave it up and leant +back too. With her usual impudence, my companion then made some +attempts to get up a conversation; but the monosyllables 'yes,' or +'no' or 'humph,' were the utmost her several remarks could elicit +from me. At last, on her asking my opinion upon some immaterial +point of discussion, I answered, - 'Why do you wish to talk to me, +Lady Lowborough? You must know what I think of you.' + +'Well, if you will be so bitter against me,' replied she, 'I can't +help it; but I'm not going to sulk for anybody.' + +Our short drive was now at an end. As soon as the carriage door +was opened, she sprang out, and went down the park to meet the +gentlemen, who were just returning from the woods. Of course I did +not follow. + +But I had not done with her impudence yet: after dinner, I retired +to the drawing-room, as usual, and she accompanied me, but I had +the two children with me, and I gave them my whole attention, and +determined to keep them till the gentlemen came, or till Milicent +arrived with her mother. Little Helen, however, was soon tired of +playing, and insisted upon going to sleep; and while I sat on the +sofa with her on my knee, and Arthur seated beside me, gently +playing with her soft, flaxen hair, Lady Lowborough composedly came +and placed herself on the other side. + +'To-morrow, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said she, 'you will be delivered from +my presence, which, no doubt, you will be very glad of - it is +natural you should; but do you know I have rendered you a great +service? Shall I tell you what it is?' + +'I shall be glad to hear of any service you have rendered me,' said +I, determined to be calm, for I knew by the tone of her voice she +wanted to provoke me. + +'Well,' resumed she, 'have you not observed the salutary change in +Mr. Huntingdon? Don't you see what a sober, temperate man he is +become? You saw with regret the sad habits he was contracting, I +know: and I know you did your utmost to deliver him from them, but +without success, until I came to your assistance. I told him in +few words that I could not bear to see him degrade himself so, and +that I should cease to - no matter what I told him, but you see the +reformation I have wrought; and you ought to thank me for it.' + +I rose and rang for the nurse. + +'But I desire no thanks,' she continued; 'all the return I ask is, +that you will take care of him when I am gone, and not, by +harshness and neglect, drive him back to his old courses.' + +I was almost sick with passion, but Rachel was now at the door. I +pointed to the children, for I could not trust myself to speak: +she took them away, and I followed. + +'Will you, Helen?' continued the speaker. + +I gave her a look that blighted the malicious smile on her face, or +checked it, at least for a moment, and departed. In the ante-room +I met Mr. Hargrave. He saw I was in no humour to be spoken to, and +suffered me to pass without a word; but when, after a few minutes' +seclusion in the library, I had regained my composure, and was +returning to join Mrs. Hargrave and Milicent, whom I had just heard +come downstairs and go into the drawing-room, I found him there +still lingering in the dimly-lighted apartment, and evidently +waiting for me. + +'Mrs. Huntingdon,' said he as I passed, 'will you allow me one +word?' + +'What is it then? be quick, if you please.' + +'I offended you this morning; and I cannot live under your +displeasure.' + +'Then go, and sin no more,' replied I, turning away. + +'No, no!' said he, hastily, setting himself before me. 'Pardon me, +but I must have your forgiveness. I leave you to-morrow, and I may +not have an opportunity of speaking to you again. I was wrong to +forget myself and you, as I did; but let me implore you to forget +and forgive my rash presumption, and think of me as if those words +had never been spoken; for, believe me, I regret them deeply, and +the loss of your esteem is too severe a penalty: I cannot bear +it.' + +'Forgetfulness is not to be purchased with a wish; and I cannot +bestow my esteem on all who desire it, unless they deserve it too.' + +'I shall think my life well spent in labouring to deserve it, if +you will but pardon this offence - will you?' + +'Yes.' + +'Yes! but that is coldly spoken. Give me your hand and I'll +believe you. You won't? Then, Mrs. Huntingdon, you do not forgive +me!' + +'Yes; here it is, and my forgiveness with it: only, SIN NO MORE.' + +He pressed my cold hand with sentimental fervour, but said nothing, +and stood aside to let me pass into the room, where all the company +were now assembled. Mr. Grimsby was seated near the door: on +seeing me enter, almost immediately followed by Hargrave, he leered +at me with a glance of intolerable significance, as I passed. I +looked him in the face, till he sullenly turned away, if not +ashamed, at least confounded for the moment. Meantime Hattersley +had seized Hargrave by the arm, and was whispering something in his +ear - some coarse joke, no doubt, for the latter neither laughed +nor spoke in answer, but, turning from him with a slight curl of +the lip, disengaged himself and went to his mother, who was telling +Lord Lowborough how many reasons she had to be proud of her son. + +Thank heaven, they are all going to-morrow. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + + + +December 20th, 1824. - This is the third anniversary of our +felicitous union. It is now two months since our guests left us to +the enjoyment of each other's society; and I have had nine weeks' +experience of this new phase of conjugal life - two persons living +together, as master and mistress of the house, and father and +mother of a winsome, merry little child, with the mutual +understanding that there is no love, friendship, or sympathy +between them. As far as in me lies, I endeavour to live peaceably +with him: I treat him with unimpeachable civility, give up my +convenience to his, wherever it may reasonably be done, and consult +him in a business-like way on household affairs, deferring to his +pleasure and judgment, even when I know the latter to be inferior +to my own. + +As for him, for the first week or two, he was peevish and low, +fretting, I suppose, over his dear Annabella's departure, and +particularly ill-tempered to me: everything I did was wrong; I was +cold-hearted, hard, insensate; my sour, pale face was perfectly +repulsive; my voice made him shudder; he knew not how he could live +through the winter with me; I should kill him by inches. Again I +proposed a separation, but it would not do: he was not going to be +the talk of all the old gossips in the neighbourhood: he would not +have it said that he was such a brute his wife could not live with +him. No; he must contrive to bear with me. + +'I must contrive to bear with you, you mean,' said I; 'for so long +as I discharge my functions of steward and house-keeper, so +conscientiously and well, without pay and without thanks, you +cannot afford to part with me. I shall therefore remit these +duties when my bondage becomes intolerable.' This threat, I +thought, would serve to keep him in check, if anything would. + +I believe he was much disappointed that I did not feel his +offensive sayings more acutely, for when he had said anything +particularly well calculated to hurt my feelings, he would stare me +searchingly in the face, and then grumble against my 'marble heart' +or my 'brutal insensibility.' If I had bitterly wept and deplored +his lost affection, he would, perhaps, have condescended to pity +me, and taken me into favour for a while, just to comfort his +solitude and console him for the absence of his beloved Annabella, +until he could meet her again, or some more fitting substitute. +Thank heaven, I am not so weak as that! I was infatuated once with +a foolish, besotted affection, that clung to him in spite of his +unworthiness, but it is fairly gone now - wholly crushed and +withered away; and he has none but himself and his vices to thank +for it. + +At first (in compliance with his sweet lady's injunctions, I +suppose), he abstained wonderfully well from seeking to solace his +cares in wine; but at length he began to relax his virtuous +efforts, and now and then exceeded a little, and still continues to +do so; nay, sometimes, not a little. When he is under the exciting +influence of these excesses, he sometimes fires up and attempts to +play the brute; and then I take little pains to suppress my scorn +and disgust. When he is under the depressing influence of the +after-consequences, he bemoans his sufferings and his errors, and +charges them both upon me; he knows such indulgence injures his +health, and does him more harm than good; but he says I drive him +to it by my unnatural, unwomanly conduct; it will be the ruin of +him in the end, but it is all my fault; and then I am roused to +defend myself, sometimes with bitter recrimination. This is a kind +of injustice I cannot patiently endure. Have I not laboured long +and hard to save him from this very vice? Would I not labour still +to deliver him from it if I could? but could I do so by fawning +upon him and caressing him when I know that he scorns me? Is it my +fault that I have lost my influence with him, or that he has +forfeited every claim to my regard? And should I seek a +reconciliation with him, when I feel that I abhor him, and that he +despises me? and while he continues still to correspond with Lady +Lowborough, as I know he does? No, never, never, never! he may +drink himself dead, but it is NOT my fault! + +Yet I do my part to save him still: I give him to understand that +drinking makes his eyes dull, and his face red and bloated; and +that it tends to render him imbecile in body and mind; and if +Annabella were to see him as often as I do, she would speedily be +disenchanted; and that she certainly will withdraw her favour from +him, if he continues such courses. Such a mode of admonition wins +only coarse abuse for me - and, indeed, I almost feel as if I +deserved it, for I hate to use such arguments; but they sink into +his stupefied heart, and make him pause, and ponder, and abstain, +more than anything else I could say. + +At present I am enjoying a temporary relief from his presence: he +is gone with Hargrave to join a distant hunt, and will probably not +be back before to-morrow evening. How differently I used to feel +his absence! + +Mr. Hargrave is still at the Grove. He and Arthur frequently meet +to pursue their rural sports together: he often calls upon us +here, and Arthur not unfrequently rides over to him. I do not +think either of these soi-disant friends is overflowing with love +for the other; but such intercourse serves to get the time on, and +I am very willing it should continue, as it saves me some hours of +discomfort in Arthur's society, and gives him some better +employment than the sottish indulgence of his sensual appetites. +The only objection I have to Mr. Hargrave's being in the +neighbourhood, is that the fear of meeting him at the Grove +prevents me from seeing his sister so often as I otherwise should; +for, of late, he has conducted himself towards me with such +unerring propriety, that I have almost forgotten his former +conduct. I suppose he is striving to 'win my esteem.' If he +continue to act in this way, he may win it; but what then? The +moment he attempts to demand anything more, he will lose it again. + +February 10th. - It is a hard, embittering thing to have one's kind +feelings and good intentions cast back in one's teeth. I was +beginning to relent towards my wretched partner; to pity his +forlorn, comfortless condition, unalleviated as it is by the +consolations of intellectual resources and the answer of a good +conscience towards God; and to think I ought to sacrifice my pride, +and renew my efforts once again to make his home agreeable and lead +him back to the path of virtue; not by false professions of love, +and not by pretended remorse, but by mitigating my habitual +coldness of manner, and commuting my frigid civility into kindness +wherever an opportunity occurred; and not only was I beginning to +think so, but I had already begun to act upon the thought - and +what was the result? No answering spark of kindness, no awakening +penitence, but an unappeasable ill-humour, and a spirit of +tyrannous exaction that increased with indulgence, and a lurking +gleam of self-complacent triumph at every detection of relenting +softness in my manner, that congealed me to marble again as often +as it recurred; and this morning he finished the business:- I think +the petrifaction is so completely effected at last that nothing can +melt me again. Among his letters was one which he perused with +symptoms of unusual gratification, and then threw it across the +table to me, with the admonition, - + +'There! read that, and take a lesson by it!' + +It was in the free, dashing hand of Lady Lowborough. I glanced at +the first page; it seemed full of extravagant protestations of +affection; impetuous longings for a speedy reunion - and impious +defiance of God's mandates, and railings against His providence for +having cast their lot asunder, and doomed them both to the hateful +bondage of alliance with those they could not love. He gave a +slight titter on seeing me change colour. I folded up the letter, +rose, and returned it to him, with no remark, but - + +'Thank you, I will take a lesson by it!' + +My little Arthur was standing between his knees, delightedly +playing with the bright, ruby ring on his finger. Urged by a +sudden, imperative impulse to deliver my son from that +contaminating influence, I caught him up in my arms and carried him +with me out of the room. Not liking this abrupt removal, the child +began to pout and cry. This was a new stab to my already tortured +heart. I would not let him go; but, taking him with me into the +library, I shut the door, and, kneeling on the floor beside him, I +embraced him, kissed him, wept over with him with passionate +fondness. Rather frightened than consoled by this, he turned +struggling from me, and cried out aloud for his papa. I released +him from my arms, and never were more bitter tears than those that +now concealed him from my blinded, burning eyes. Hearing his +cries, the father came to the room. I instantly turned away, lest +he should see and misconstrue my emotion. He swore at me, and took +the now pacified child away. + +It is hard that my little darling should love him more than me; and +that, when the well-being and culture of my son is all I have to +live for, I should see my influence destroyed by one whose selfish +affection is more injurious than the coldest indifference or the +harshest tyranny could be. If I, for his good, deny him some +trifling indulgence, he goes to his father, and the latter, in +spite of his selfish indolence, will even give himself some trouble +to meet the child's desires: if I attempt to curb his will, or +look gravely on him for some act of childish disobedience, he knows +his other parent will smile and take his part against me. Thus, +not only have I the father's spirit in the son to contend against, +the germs of his evil tendencies to search out and eradicate, and +his corrupting intercourse and example in after-life to counteract, +but already he counteracts my arduous labour for the child's +advantage, destroys my influence over his tender mind, and robs me +of his very love; I had no earthly hope but this, and he seems to +take a diabolical delight in tearing it away. + +But it is wrong to despair; I will remember the counsel of the +inspired writer to him 'that feareth the Lord and obeyeth the voice +of his servant, that sitteth in darkness and hath no light; let him +trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God!' + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + + + +December 20th, 1825. - Another year is past; and I am weary of this +life. And yet I cannot wish to leave it: whatever afflictions +assail me here, I cannot wish to go and leave my darling in this +dark and wicked world alone, without a friend to guide him through +its weary mazes, to warn him of its thousand snares, and guard him +from the perils that beset him on every hand. I am not well fitted +to be his only companion, I know; but there is no other to supply +my place. I am too grave to minister to his amusements and enter +into his infantile sports as a nurse or a mother ought to do, and +often his bursts of gleeful merriment trouble and alarm me; I see +in them his father's spirit and temperament, and I tremble for the +consequences; and too often damp the innocent mirth I ought to +share. That father, on the contrary, has no weight of sadness on +his mind; is troubled with no fears, no scruples concerning his +son's future welfare; and at evenings especially, the times when +the child sees him the most and the oftenest, he is always +particularly jocund and open-hearted: ready to laugh and to jest +with anything or anybody but me, and I am particularly silent and +sad: therefore, of course, the child dotes upon his seemingly +joyous amusing, ever-indulgent papa, and will at any time gladly +exchange my company for his. This disturbs me greatly; not so much +for the sake of my son's affection (though I do prize that highly, +and though I feel it is my right, and know I have done much to earn +it) as for that influence over him which, for his own advantage, I +would strive to purchase and retain, and which for very spite his +father delights to rob me of, and, from motives of mere idle +egotism, is pleased to win to himself; making no use of it but to +torment me and ruin the child. My only consolation is, that he +spends comparatively little of his time at home, and, during the +months he passes in London or elsewhere, I have a chance of +recovering the ground I had lost, and overcoming with good the evil +he has wrought by his wilful mismanagement. But then it is a +bitter trial to behold him, on his return, doing his utmost to +subvert my labours and transform my innocent, affectionate, +tractable darling into a selfish, disobedient, and mischievous boy; +thereby preparing the soil for those vices he has so successfully +cultivated in his own perverted nature. + +Happily, there were none of Arthur's 'friends' invited to Grassdale +last autumn: he took himself off to visit some of them instead. I +wish he would always do so, and I wish his friends were numerous +and loving enough to keep him amongst them all the year round. Mr. +Hargrave, considerably to my annoyance, did not go with him; but I +think I have done with that gentleman at last. + +For seven or eight months he behaved so remarkably well, and +managed so skilfully too, that I was almost completely off my +guard, and was really beginning to look upon him as a friend, and +even to treat him as such, with certain prudent restrictions (which +I deemed scarcely necessary); when, presuming upon my unsuspecting +kindness, he thought he might venture to overstep the bounds of +decent moderation and propriety that had so long restrained him. +It was on a pleasant evening at the close of May: I was wandering +in the park, and he, on seeing me there as he rode past, made bold +to enter and approach me, dismounting and leaving his horse at the +gate. This was the first time he had ventured to come within its +inclosure since I had been left alone, without the sanction of his +mother's or sister's company, or at least the excuse of a message +from them. But he managed to appear so calm and easy, so +respectful and self-possessed in his friendliness, that, though a +little surprised, I was neither alarmed nor offended at the unusual +liberty, and he walked with me under the ash-trees and by the +water-side, and talked, with considerable animation, good taste, +and intelligence, on many subjects, before I began to think about +getting rid of him. Then, after a pause, during which we both +stood gazing on the calm, blue water - I revolving in my mind the +best means of politely dismissing my companion, he, no doubt, +pondering other matters equally alien to the sweet sights and +sounds that alone were present to his senses, - he suddenly +electrified me by beginning, in a peculiar tone, low, soft, but +perfectly distinct, to pour forth the most unequivocal expressions +of earnest and passionate love; pleading his cause with all the +bold yet artful eloquence he could summon to his aid. But I cut +short his appeal, and repulsed him so determinately, so decidedly, +and with such a mixture of scornful indignation, tempered with +cool, dispassionate sorrow and pity for his benighted mind, that he +withdrew, astonished, mortified, and discomforted; and, a few days +after, I heard that he had departed for London. He returned, +however, in eight or nine weeks, and did not entirely keep aloof +from me, but comported himself in so remarkable a manner that his +quick-sighted sister could not fail to notice the change. + +'What have you done to Walter, Mrs. Huntingdon?' said she one +morning, when I had called at the Grove, and he had just left the +room after exchanging a few words of the coldest civility. 'He has +been so extremely ceremonious and stately of late, I can't imagine +what it is all about, unless you have desperately offended him. +Tell me what it is, that I may be your mediator, and make you +friends again.' + +'I have done nothing willingly to offend him,' said I. 'If he is +offended, he can best tell you himself what it is about.' + +'I'll ask him,' cried the giddy girl, springing up and putting her +head out of the window: 'he's only in the garden - Walter!' + +'No, no, Esther! you will seriously displease me if you do; and I +shall leave you immediately, and not come again for months - +perhaps years.' + +'Did you call, Esther?' said her brother, approaching the window +from without. + +'Yes; I wanted to ask you - ' + +'Good-morning, Esther,' said I, talking her hand and giving it a +severe squeeze. + +'To ask you,' continued she, 'to get me a rose for Mrs. +Huntingdon.' He departed. 'Mrs. Huntingdon,' she exclaimed, +turning to me and still holding me fast by the hand, 'I'm quite +shocked at you - you're just as angry, and distant, and cold as he +is: and I'm determined you shall be as good friends as ever before +you go.' + +'Esther, how can you be so rude!' cried Mrs. Hargrave, who was +seated gravely knitting in her easy-chair. 'Surely, you never will +learn to conduct yourself like a lady!' + +'Well, mamma, you said yourself - ' But the young lady was +silenced by the uplifted finger of her mamma, accompanied with a +very stern shake of the head. + +'Isn't she cross?' whispered she to me; but, before I could add my +share of reproof, Mr. Hargrave reappeared at the window with a +beautiful moss-rose in his hand. + +'Here, Esther, I've brought you the rose,' said he, extending it +towards her. + +'Give it her yourself, you blockhead!' cried she, recoiling with a +spring from between us. + +'Mrs. Huntingdon would rather receive it from you,' replied he, in +a very serious tone, but lowering his voice that his mother might +not hear. His sister took the rose and gave it to me. + +'My brother's compliments, Mrs. Huntingdon, and he hopes you and he +will come to a better understanding by-and-by. Will that do, +Walter?' added the saucy girl, turning to him and putting her arm +round his neck, as he stood leaning upon the sill of the window - +'or should I have said that you are sorry you were so touchy? or +that you hope she will pardon your offence?' + +'You silly girl! you don't know what you are talking about,' +replied he gravely. + +'Indeed I don't: for I'm quite in the dark!' + +'Now, Esther,' interposed Mrs. Hargrave, who, if equally benighted +on the subject of our estrangement, saw at least that her daughter +was behaving very improperly, 'I must insist upon your leaving the +room!' + +'Pray don't, Mrs. Hargrave, for I'm going to leave it myself,' said +I, and immediately made my adieux. + +About a week after Mr. Hargrave brought his sister to see me. He +conducted himself, at first, with his usual cold, distant, half- +stately, half-melancholy, altogether injured air; but Esther made +no remark upon it this time: she had evidently been schooled into +better manners. She talked to me, and laughed and romped with +little Arthur, her loved and loving playmate. He, somewhat to my +discomfort, enticed her from the room to have a run in the hall, +and thence into the garden. I got up to stir the fire. Mr. +Hargrave asked if I felt cold, and shut the door - a very +unseasonable piece of officiousness, for I had meditated following +the noisy playfellows if they did not speedily return. He then +took the liberty of walking up to the fire himself, and asking me +if I were aware that Mr. Huntingdon was now at the seat of Lord +Lowborough, and likely to continue there some time. + +'No; but it's no matter,' I answered carelessly; and if my cheek +glowed like fire, it was rather at the question than the +information it conveyed. + +'You don't object to it?' he said. + +'Not at all, if Lord Lowborough likes his company.' + +'You have no love left for him, then?' + +'Not the least.' + +'I knew that - I knew you were too high-minded and pure in your own +nature to continue to regard one so utterly false and polluted with +any feelings but those of indignation and scornful abhorrence!' + +'Is he not your friend?' said I, turning my eyes from the fire to +his face, with perhaps a slight touch of those feelings he assigned +to another. + +'He was,' replied he, with the same calm gravity as before; 'but do +not wrong me by supposing that I could continue my friendship and +esteem to a man who could so infamously, so impiously forsake and +injure one so transcendently - well, I won't speak of it. But tell +me, do you never think of revenge?' + +'Revenge! No - what good would that do? - it would make him no +better, and me no happier.' + +'I don't know how to talk to you, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said he, +smiling; 'you are only half a woman - your nature must be half +human, half angelic. Such goodness overawes me; I don't know what +to make of it.' + +'Then, sir, I fear you must be very much worse than you should be, +if I, a mere ordinary mortal, am, by your own confession, so vastly +your superior; and since there exists so little sympathy between +us, I think we had better each look out for some more congenial +companion.' And forthwith moving to the window, I began to look +out for my little son and his gay young friend. + +'No, I am the ordinary mortal, I maintain,' replied Mr. Hargrave. +'I will not allow myself to be worse than my fellows; but you, +Madam - I equally maintain there is nobody like you. But are you +happy?' he asked in a serious tone. + +'As happy as some others, I suppose.' + +'Are you as happy as you desire to be?' + +'No one is so blest as that comes to on this side eternity.' + +'One thing I know,' returned he, with a deep sad sigh; 'you are +immeasurably happier than I am.' + +'I am very sorry for you, then,' I could not help replying. + +'Are you, indeed? No, for if you were you would be glad to relieve +me.' + +'And so I should if I could do so without injuring myself or any +other.' + +'And can you suppose that I should wish you to injure yourself? +No: on the contrary, it is your own happiness I long for more than +mine. You are miserable now, Mrs. Huntingdon,' continued he, +looking me boldly in the face. 'You do not complain, but I see - +and feel - and know that you are miserable - and must remain so as +long as you keep those walls of impenetrable ice about your still +warm and palpitating heart; and I am miserable, too. Deign to +smile on me and I am happy: trust me, and you shall be happy also, +for if you are a woman I can make you so - and I will do it in +spite of yourself!' he muttered between his teeth; 'and as for +others, the question is between ourselves alone: you cannot injure +your husband, you know, and no one else has any concern in the +matter.' + +'I have a son, Mr. Hargrave, and you have a mother,' said I, +retiring from the window, whither he had followed me. + +'They need not know,' he began; but before anything more could be +said on either side, Esther and Arthur re-entered the room. The +former glanced at Walter's flushed, excited countenance, and then +at mine - a little flushed and excited too, I daresay, though from +far different causes. She must have thought we had been +quarrelling desperately, and was evidently perplexed and disturbed +at the circumstance; but she was too polite or too much afraid of +her brother's anger to refer to it. She seated herself on the +sofa, and putting back her bright, golden ringlets, that were +scattered in wild profusion over her face, she immediately began to +talk about the garden and her little playfellow, and continued to +chatter away in her usual strain till her brother summoned her to +depart. + +'If I have spoken too warmly, forgive me,' he murmured on taking +his leave, 'or I shall never forgive myself.' Esther smiled and +glanced at me: I merely bowed, and her countenance fell. She +thought it a poor return for Walter's generous concession, and was +disappointed in her friend. Poor child, she little knows the world +she lives in! + +Mr. Hargrave had not an opportunity of meeting me again in private +for several weeks after this; but when he did meet me there was +less of pride and more of touching melancholy in his manner than +before. Oh, how he annoyed me! I was obliged at last almost +entirely to remit my visits to the Grove, at the expense of deeply +offending Mrs. Hargrave and seriously afflicting poor Esther, who +really values my society for want of better, and who ought not to +suffer for the fault of her brother. But that indefatigable foe +was not yet vanquished: he seemed to be always on the watch. I +frequently saw him riding lingeringly past the premises, looking +searchingly round him as he went - or, if I did not, Rachel did. +That sharp-sighted woman soon guessed how matters stood between us, +and descrying the enemy's movements from her elevation at the +nursery-window, she would give me a quiet intimation if she saw me +preparing for a walk when she had reason to believe he was about, +or to think it likely that he would meet or overtake me in the way +I meant to traverse. I would then defer my ramble, or confine +myself for that day to the park and gardens, or, if the proposed +excursion was a matter of importance, such as a visit to the sick +or afflicted, I would take Rachel with me, and then I was never +molested. + +But one mild, sunshiny day, early in November, I had ventured forth +alone to visit the village school and a few of the poor tenants, +and on my return I was alarmed at the clatter of a horse's feet +behind me, approaching at a rapid, steady trot. There was no stile +or gap at hand by which I could escape into the fields, so I walked +quietly on, saying to myself, 'It may not be he after all; and if +it is, and if he do annoy me, it shall be for the last time, I am +determined, if there be power in words and looks against cool +impudence and mawkish sentimentality so inexhaustible as his.' + +The horse soon overtook me, and was reined up close beside me. It +was Mr. Hargrave. He greeted me with a smile intended to be soft +and melancholy, but his triumphant satisfaction at having caught me +at last so shone through that it was quite a failure. After +briefly answering his salutation and inquiring after the ladies at +the Grove, I turned away and walked on; but he followed and kept +his horse at my side: it was evident he intended to be my +companion all the way. + +'Well! I don't much care. If you want another rebuff, take it - +and welcome,' was my inward remark. 'Now, sir, what next?' + +This question, though unspoken, was not long unanswered; after a +few passing observations upon indifferent subjects, he began in +solemn tones the following appeal to my humanity:- + +'It will be four years next April since I first saw you, Mrs. +Huntingdon - you may have forgotten the circumstance, but I never +can. I admired you then most deeply, but I dared not love you. In +the following autumn I saw so much of your perfections that I could +not fail to love you, though I dared not show it. For upwards of +three years I have endured a perfect martyrdom. From the anguish +of suppressed emotions, intense and fruitless longings, silent +sorrow, crushed hopes, and trampled affections, I have suffered +more than I can tell, or you imagine - and you were the cause of +it, and not altogether the innocent cause. My youth is wasting +away; my prospects are darkened; my life is a desolate blank; I +have no rest day or night: I am become a burden to myself and +others, and you might save me by a word - a glance, and will not do +it - is this right?' + +'In the first place, I don't believe you,' answered I; 'in the +second, if you will be such a fool, I can't hinder it.' + +'If you affect,' replied he, earnestly, 'to regard as folly the +best, the strongest, the most godlike impulses of our nature, I +don't believe you. I know you are not the heartless, icy being you +pretend to be - you had a heart once, and gave it to your husband. +When you found him utterly unworthy of the treasure, you reclaimed +it; and you will not pretend that you loved that sensual, earthly- +minded profligate so deeply, so devotedly, that you can never love +another? I know that there are feelings in your nature that have +never yet been called forth; I know, too, that in your present +neglected lonely state you are and must be miserable. You have it +in your power to raise two human beings from a state of actual +suffering to such unspeakable beatitude as only generous, noble, +self-forgetting love can give (for you can love me if you will); +you may tell me that you scorn and detest me, but, since you have +set me the example of plain speaking, I will answer that I do not +believe you. But you will not do it! you choose rather to leave us +miserable; and you coolly tell me it is the will of God that we +should remain so. You may call this religion, but I call it wild +fanaticism!' + +'There is another life both for you and for me,' said I. 'If it be +the will of God that we should sow in tears now, it is only that we +may reap in joy hereafter. It is His will that we should not +injure others by the gratification of our own earthly passions; and +you have a mother, and sisters, and friends who would be seriously +injured by your disgrace; and I, too, have friends, whose peace of +mind shall never be sacrificed to my enjoyment, or yours either, +with my consent; and if I were alone in the world, I have still my +God and my religion, and I would sooner die than disgrace my +calling and break my faith with heaven to obtain a few brief years +of false and fleeting happiness - happiness sure to end in misery +even here - for myself or any other!' + +'There need be no disgrace, no misery or sacrifice in any quarter,' +persisted he. 'I do not ask you to leave your home or defy the +world's opinion.' But I need not repeat all his arguments. I +refuted them to the best of my power; but that power was +provokingly small, at the moment, for I was too much flurried with +indignation - and even shame - that he should thus dare to address +me, to retain sufficient command of thought and language to enable +me adequately to contend against his powerful sophistries. +Finding, however, that he could not be silenced by reason, and even +covertly exulted in his seeming advantage, and ventured to deride +those assertions I had not the coolness to prove, I changed my +course and tried another plan. + +'Do you really love me?' said I, seriously, pausing and looking him +calmly in the face. + +'Do I love you!' cried he. + +'Truly?' I demanded. + +His countenance brightened; he thought his triumph was at hand. He +commenced a passionate protestation of the truth and fervour of his +attachment, which I cut short by another question:- + +'But is it not a selfish love? Have you enough disinterested +affection to enable you to sacrifice your own pleasure to mine?' + +'I would give my life to serve you.' + +'I don't want your life; but have you enough real sympathy for my +afflictions to induce you to make an effort to relieve them, at the +risk of a little discomfort to yourself?' + +'Try me, and see.' + +'If you have, never mention this subject again. You cannot recur +to it in any way without doubling the weight of those sufferings +you so feelingly deplore. I have nothing left me but the solace of +a good conscience and a hopeful trust in heaven, and you labour +continually to rob me of these. If you persist, I must regard you +as my deadliest foe.' + +'But hear me a moment - ' + +'No, sir! You said you would give your life to serve me; I only +ask your silence on one particular point. I have spoken plainly; +and what I say I mean. If you torment me in this way any more, I +must conclude that your protestations are entirely false, and that +you hate me in your heart as fervently as you profess to love me!' + +He bit his lip, and bent his eyes upon the ground in silence for a +while. + +'Then I must leave you,' said he at length, looking steadily upon +me, as if with the last hope of detecting some token of +irrepressible anguish or dismay awakened by those solemn words. 'I +must leave you. I cannot live here, and be for ever silent on the +all-absorbing subject of my thoughts and wishes.' + +'Formerly, I believe, you spent but little of your time at home,' I +answered; 'it will do you no harm to absent yourself again, for a +while - if that be really necessary.' + +'If that be really possible,' he muttered; 'and can you bid me go +so coolly? Do you really wish it?' + +'Most certainly I do. If you cannot see me without tormenting me +as you have lately done, I would gladly say farewell and never see +you more.' + +He made no answer, but, bending from his horse, held out his hand +towards me. I looked up at his face, and saw therein such a look +of genuine agony of soul, that, whether bitter disappointment, or +wounded pride, or lingering love, or burning wrath were uppermost, +I could not hesitate to put my hand in his as frankly as if I bade +a friend farewell. He grasped it very hard, and immediately put +spurs to his horse and galloped away. Very soon after, I learned +that he was gone to Paris, where he still is; and the longer he +stays there the better for me. + +I thank God for this deliverance! + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII + + + +December 20th, 1826. - The fifth anniversary of my wedding-day, +and, I trust, the last I shall spend under this roof. My +resolution is formed, my plan concocted, and already partly put in +execution. My conscience does not blame me, but while the purpose +ripens let me beguile a few of these long winter evenings in +stating the case for my own satisfaction: a dreary amusement +enough, but having the air of a useful occupation, and being +pursued as a task, it will suit me better than a lighter one. + +In September, quiet Grassdale was again alive with a party of +ladies and gentlemen (so called), consisting of the same +individuals as those invited the year before last, with the +addition of two or three others, among whom were Mrs. Hargrave and +her younger daughter. The gentlemen and Lady Lowborough were +invited for the pleasure and convenience of the host; the other +ladies, I suppose, for the sake of appearances, and to keep me in +check, and make me discreet and civil in my demeanour. But the +ladies stayed only three weeks; the gentlemen, with two exceptions, +above two months: for their hospitable entertainer was loth to +part with them and be left alone with his bright intellect, his +stainless conscience, and his loved and loving wife. + +On the day of Lady Lowborough's arrival, I followed her into her +chamber, and plainly told her that, if I found reason to believe +that she still continued her criminal connection with Mr. +Huntingdon, I should think it my absolute duty to inform her +husband of the circumstance - or awaken his suspicions at least - +however painful it might be, or however dreadful the consequences. +She was startled at first by the declaration, so unexpected, and so +determinately yet calmly delivered; but rallying in a moment, she +coolly replied that, if I saw anything at all reprehensible or +suspicious in her conduct, she would freely give me leave to tell +his lordship all about it. Willing to be satisfied with this, I +left her; and certainly I saw nothing thenceforth particularly +reprehensible or suspicious in her demeanour towards her host; but +then I had the other guests to attend to, and I did not watch them +narrowly - for, to confess the truth, I feared to see anything +between them. I no longer regarded it as any concern of mine, and +if it was my duty to enlighten Lord Lowborough, it was a painful +duty, and I dreaded to be called to perform it. + +But my fears were brought to an end in a manner I had not +anticipated. One evening, about a fortnight after the visitors' +arrival, I had retired into the library to snatch a few minutes' +respite from forced cheerfulness and wearisome discourse, for after +so long a period of seclusion, dreary indeed as I had often found +it, I could not always bear to be doing violence to my feelings, +and goading my powers to talk, and smile and listen, and play the +attentive hostess, or even the cheerful friend: I had just +ensconced myself within the bow of the window, and was looking out +upon the west, where the darkening hills rose sharply defined +against the clear amber light of evening, that gradually blended +and faded away into the pure, pale blue of the upper sky, where one +bright star was shining through, as if to promise - 'When that +dying light is gone, the world will not be left in darkness, and +they who trust in God, whose minds are unbeclouded by the mists of +unbelief and sin, are never wholly comfortless,' - when I heard a +hurried step approaching, and Lord Lowborough entered. This room +was still his favourite resort. He flung the door to with unusual +violence, and cast his hat aside regardless where it fell. What +could be the matter with him? His face was ghastly pale; his eyes +were fixed upon the ground; his teeth clenched: his forehead +glistened with the dews of agony. It was plain he knew his wrongs +at last! + +Unconscious of my presence, he began to pace the room in a state of +fearful agitation, violently wringing his hands and uttering low +groans or incoherent ejaculations. I made a movement to let him +know that he was not alone; but he was too preoccupied to notice +it. Perhaps, while his back was towards me, I might cross the room +and slip away unobserved. I rose to make the attempt, but then he +perceived me. He started and stood still a moment; then wiped his +streaming forehead, and, advancing towards me, with a kind of +unnatural composure, said in a deep, almost sepulchral tone, - +'Mrs. Huntingdon, I must leave you to-morrow.' + +'To-morrow!' I repeated. 'I do not ask the cause.' + +'You know it then, and you can be so calm!' said he, surveying me +with profound astonishment, not unmingled with a kind of resentful +bitterness, as it appeared to me. + +'I have so long been aware of - ' I paused in time, and added, 'of +my husband's character, that nothing shocks me.' + +'But this - how long have you been aware of this?' demanded he, +laying his clenched hand on the table beside him, and looking me +keenly and fixedly in the face. + +I felt like a criminal. + +'Not long,' I answered. + +'You knew it!' cried he, with bitter vehemence - 'and you did not +tell me! You helped to deceive me!' + +'My lord, I did not help to deceive you.' + +'Then why did you not tell me?' + +'Because I knew it would be painful to you. I hoped she would +return to her duty, and then there would be no need to harrow your +feelings with such - ' + +'O God! how long has this been going on? How long has it been, +Mrs. Huntingdon? - Tell me - I must know!' exclaimed, with intense +and fearful eagerness. + +'Two years, I believe.' + +'Great heaven! and she has duped me all this time!' He turned away +with a suppressed groan of agony, and paced the room again in a +paroxysm of renewed agitation. My heart smote me; but I would try +to console him, though I knew not how to attempt it. + +'She is a wicked woman,' I said. 'She has basely deceived and +betrayed you. She is as little worthy of your regret as she was of +your affection. Let her injure you no further; abstract yourself +from her, and stand alone.' + +'And you, Madam,' said he sternly, arresting himself, and turning +round upon me, 'you have injured me too by this ungenerous +concealment!' + +There was a sudden revulsion in my feelings. Something rose within +me, and urged me to resent this harsh return for my heartfelt +sympathy, and defend myself with answering severity. Happily, I +did not yield to the impulse. I saw his anguish as, suddenly +smiting his forehead, he turned abruptly to the window, and, +looking upward at the placid sky, murmured passionately, 'O God, +that I might die!' - and felt that to add one drop of bitterness to +that already overflowing cup would be ungenerous indeed. And yet I +fear there was more coldness than gentleness in the quiet tone of +my reply:- 'I might offer many excuses that some would admit to be +valid, but I will not attempt to enumerate them - ' + +'I know them,' said he hastily: 'you would say that it was no +business of yours: that I ought to have taken care of myself; that +if my own blindness has led me into this pit of hell, I have no +right to blame another for giving me credit for a larger amount of +sagacity than I possessed - ' + +'I confess I was wrong,' continued I, without regarding this bitter +interruption; 'but whether want of courage or mistaken kindness was +the cause of my error, I think you blame me too severely. I told +Lady Lowborough two weeks ago, the very hour she came, that I +should certainly think it my duty to inform you if she continued to +deceive you: she gave me full liberty to do so if I should see +anything reprehensible or suspicious in her conduct; I have seen +nothing; and I trusted she had altered her course.' + +He continued gazing from the window while I spoke, and did not +answer, but, stung by the recollections my words awakened, stamped +his foot upon the floor, ground his teeth, and corrugated his brow, +like one under the influence of acute physical pain. + +'It was wrong, it was wrong!' he muttered at length. 'Nothing can +excuse it; nothing can atone for it, - for nothing can recall those +years of cursed credulity; nothing obliterate them! - nothing, +nothing!' he repeated in a whisper, whose despairing bitterness +precluded all resentment. + +'When I put the case to myself, I own it was wrong,' I answered; +'but I can only now regret that I did not see it in this light +before, and that, as you say, nothing can recall the past.' + +Something in my voice or in the spirit of this answer seemed to +alter his mood. Turning towards me, and attentively surveying my +face by the dim light, he said, in a milder tone than he had yet +employed, - 'You, too, have suffered, I suppose.' + +'I suffered much, at first.' + +'When was that?' + +'Two years ago; and two years hence you will be as calm as I am +now, and far, far happier, I trust, for you are a man, and free to +act as you please.' + +Something like a smile, but a very bitter one, crossed his face for +a moment. + +'You have not been happy, lately?' he said, with a kind of effort +to regain composure, and a determination to waive the further +discussion of his own calamity. + +'Happy?' I repeated, almost provoked at such a question. 'Could I +be so, with such a husband?' + +'I have noticed a change in your appearance since the first years +of your marriage,' pursued he: 'I observed it to - to that +infernal demon,' he muttered between his teeth; 'and he said it was +your own sour temper that was eating away your bloom: it was +making you old and ugly before your time, and had already made his +fireside as comfortless as a convent cell. You smile, Mrs. +Huntingdon; nothing moves you. I wish my nature were as calm as +yours.' + +'My nature was not originally calm,' said I. 'I have learned to +appear so by dint of hard lessons and many repeated efforts.' + +At this juncture Mr. Hattersley burst into the room. + +'Hallo, Lowborough!' he began - 'Oh! I beg your pardon,' he +exclaimed on seeing me. 'I didn't know it was A TETE-E-TETE. +Cheer up, man,' he continued, giving Lord Lowborough a thump on the +back, which caused the latter to recoil from him with looks of +ineffable disgust and irritation. 'Come, I want to speak with you +a bit.' + +'Speak, then.' + +'But I'm not sure it would be quite agreeable to the lady what I +have to say.' + +'Then it would not be agreeable to me,' said his lordship, turning +to leave the room. + +'Yes, it would,' cried the other, following him into the hall. 'If +you've the heart of a man, it would be the very ticket for you. +It's just this, my lad,' he continued, rather lowering his voice, +but not enough to prevent me from hearing every word he said, +though the half-closed door stood between us. 'I think you're an +ill-used man - nay, now, don't flare up; I don't want to offend +you: it's only my rough way of talking. I must speak right out, +you know, or else not at all; and I'm come - stop now! let me +explain - I'm come to offer you my services, for though Huntingdon +is my friend, he's a devilish scamp, as we all know, and I'll be +your friend for the nonce. I know what it is you want, to make +matters straight: it's just to exchange a shot with him, and then +you'll feel yourself all right again; and if an accident happens - +why, that'll be all right too, I daresay, to a desperate fellow +like you. Come now, give me your hand, and don't look so black +upon it. Name time and place, and I'll manage the rest.' + +'That,' answered the more low, deliberate voice of Lord Lowborough, +'is just the remedy my own heart, or the devil within it, suggested +- to meet him, and not to part without blood. Whether I or he +should fall, or both, it would be an inexpressible relief to me, if +- ' + +'Just so! Well then, - ' + +'No!' exclaimed his lordship, with deep, determined emphasis. +'Though I hate him from my heart, and should rejoice at any +calamity that could befall him, I'll leave him to God; and though I +abhor my own life, I'll leave that, too, to Him that gave it.' + +'But you see, in this case,' pleaded Hattersley - + +'I'll not hear you!' exclaimed his companion, hastily turning away. +'Not another word! I've enough to do against the fiend within me.' + +'Then you're a white-livered fool, and I wash my hands of you,' +grumbled the tempter, as he swung himself round and departed. + +'Right, right, Lord Lowborough,' cried I, darting out and clasping +his burning hand, as he was moving away to the stairs. 'I begin to +think the world is not worthy of you!' Not understanding this +sudden ebullition, he turned upon me with a stare of gloomy, +bewildered amazement, that made me ashamed of the impulse to which +I had yielded; but soon a more humanised expression dawned upon his +countenance, and before I could withdraw my hand, he pressed it +kindly, while a gleam of genuine feeling flashed from his eyes as +he murmured, 'God help us both!' + +'Amen!' responded I; and we parted. + +I returned to the drawing-room, where, doubtless, my presence would +be expected by most, desired by one or two. In the ante-room was +Mr. Hattersley, railing against Lord Lowborough's poltroonery +before a select audience, viz. Mr. Huntingdon, who was lounging +against the table, exulting in his own treacherous villainy, and +laughing his victim to scorn, and Mr. Grimsby, standing by, quietly +rubbing his hands and chuckling with fiendish satisfaction. + +In the drawing-room I found Lady Lowborough, evidently in no very +enviable state of mind, and struggling hard to conceal her +discomposure by an overstrained affectation of unusual cheerfulness +and vivacity, very uncalled-for under the circumstances, for she +had herself given the company to understand that her husband had +received unpleasant intelligence from home, which necessitated his +immediate departure, and that he had suffered it so to bother his +mind that it had brought on a bilious headache, owing to which, and +the preparations he judged necessary to hasten his departure, she +believed they would not have the pleasure of seeing him to-night. +However, she asserted, it was only a business concern, and so she +did not intend it should trouble her. She was just saying this as +I entered, and she darted upon me such a glance of hardihood and +defiance as at once astonished and revolted me. + +'But I am troubled,' continued she, 'and vexed too, for I think it +my duty to accompany his lordship, and of course I am very sorry to +part with all my kind friends so unexpectedly and so soon.' + +'And yet, Annabella,' said Esther, who was sitting beside her, 'I +never saw you in better spirits in my life.' + +'Precisely so, my love: because I wish to make the best of your +society, since it appears this is to be the last night I am to +enjoy it till heaven knows when; and I wish to leave a good +impression on you all,' - she glanced round, and seeing her aunt's +eye fixed upon her, rather too scrutinizingly, as she probably +thought, she started up and continued: 'To which end I'll give you +a song - shall I, aunt? shall I, Mrs. Huntingdon? shall I ladies +and gentlemen all? Very well. I'll do my best to amuse you.' + +She and Lord Lowborough occupied the apartments next to mine. I +know not how she passed the night, but I lay awake the greater part +of it listening to his heavy step pacing monotonously up and down +his dressing-room, which was nearest my chamber. Once I heard him +pause and throw something out of the window with a passionate +ejaculation; and in the morning, after they were gone, a keen- +bladed clasp-knife was found on the grass-plot below; a razor, +likewise, was snapped in two and thrust deep into the cinders of +the grate, but partially corroded by the decaying embers. So +strong had been the temptation to end his miserable life, so +determined his resolution to resist it. + +My heart bled for him as I lay listening to that ceaseless tread. +Hitherto I had thought too much of myself, too little of him: now +I forgot my own afflictions, and thought only of his; of the ardent +affection so miserably wasted, the fond faith so cruelly betrayed, +the - no, I will not attempt to enumerate his wrongs - but I hated +his wife and my husband more intensely than ever, and not for my +sake, but for his. + +They departed early in the morning, before any one else was down, +except myself, and just as I was leaving my room Lord Lowborough +was descending to take his place in the carriage, where his lady +was already ensconced; and Arthur (or Mr. Huntingdon, as I prefer +calling him, for the other is my child's name) had the gratuitous +insolence to come out in his dressing-gown to bid his 'friend' +good-by. + +'What, going already, Lowborough!' said he. 'Well, good-morning.' +He smilingly offered his hand. + +I think the other would have knocked him down, had he not +instinctively started back before that bony fist quivering with +rage and clenched till the knuckles gleamed white and glistening +through the skin. Looking upon him with a countenance livid with +furious hate, Lord Lowborough muttered between his closed teeth a +deadly execration he would not have uttered had he been calm enough +to choose his words, and departed. + +'I call that an unchristian spirit now,' said the villain. 'But +I'd never give up an old friend for the sake of a wife. You may +have mine if you like, and I call that handsome; I can do no more +than offer restitution, can I?' + +But Lowborough had gained the bottom of the stairs, and was now +crossing the hall; and Mr. Huntingdon, leaning over the banisters, +called out, 'Give my love to Annabella! and I wish you both a happy +journey,' and withdrew, laughing, to his chamber. + +He subsequently expressed himself rather glad she was gone. 'She +was so deuced imperious and exacting,' said he. 'Now I shall be my +own man again, and feel rather more at my ease.' + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX + + + +My greatest source of uneasiness, in this time of trial, was my +son, whom his father and his father's friends delighted to +encourage in all the embryo vices a little child can show, and to +instruct in all the evil habits he could acquire - in a word, to +'make a man of him' was one of their staple amusements; and I need +say no more to justify my alarm on his account, and my +determination to deliver him at any hazard from the hands of such +instructors. I first attempted to keep him always with me, or in +the nursery, and gave Rachel particular injunctions never to let +him come down to dessert as long as these 'gentlemen' stayed; but +it was no use: these orders were immediately countermanded and +overruled by his father; he was not going to have the little fellow +moped to death between an old nurse and a cursed fool of a mother. +So the little fellow came down every evening in spite of his cross +mamma, and learned to tipple wine like papa, to swear like Mr. +Hattersley, and to have his own way like a man, and sent mamma to +the devil when she tried to prevent him. To see such things done +with the roguish naivete of that pretty little child, and hear such +things spoken by that small infantile voice, was as peculiarly +piquant and irresistibly droll to them as it was inexpressibly +distressing and painful to me; and when he had set the table in a +roar he would look round delightedly upon them all, and add his +shrill laugh to theirs. But if that beaming blue eye rested on me, +its light would vanish for a moment, and he would say, in some +concern, 'Mamma, why don't you laugh? Make her laugh, papa - she +never will.' + +Hence was I obliged to stay among these human brutes, watching an +opportunity to get my child away from them instead of leaving them +immediately after the removal of the cloth, as I should always +otherwise have done. He was never willing to go, and I frequently +had to carry him away by force, for which he thought me very cruel +and unjust; and sometimes his father would insist upon my letting +him remain; and then I would leave him to his kind friends, and +retire to indulge my bitterness and despair alone, or to rack my +brains for a remedy to this great evil. + +But here again I must do Mr. Hargrave the justice to acknowledge +that I never saw him laugh at the child's misdemeanours, nor heard +him utter a word of encouragement to his aspirations after manly +accomplishments. But when anything very extraordinary was said or +done by the infant profligate, I noticed, at times, a peculiar +expression in his face that I could neither interpret nor define: +a slight twitching about the muscles of the mouth; a sudden flash +in the eye, as he darted a sudden glance at the child and then at +me: and then I could fancy there arose a gleam of hard, keen, +sombre satisfaction in his countenance at the look of impotent +wrath and anguish he was too certain to behold in mine. But on one +occasion, when Arthur had been behaving particularly ill, and Mr. +Huntingdon and his guests had been particularly provoking and +insulting to me in their encouragement of him, and I particularly +anxious to get him out of the room, and on the very point of +demeaning myself by a burst of uncontrollable passion - Mr. +Hargrave suddenly rose from his seat with an aspect of stern +determination, lifted the child from his father's knee, where he +was sitting half-tipsy, cocking his head and laughing at me, and +execrating me with words he little knew the meaning of, handed him +out of the room, and, setting him down in the hall, held the door +open for me, gravely bowed as I withdrew, and closed it after me. +I heard high words exchanged between him and his already half- +inebriated host as I departed, leading away my bewildered and +disconcerted boy. + +But this should not continue: my child must not be abandoned to +this corruption: better far that he should live in poverty and +obscurity, with a fugitive mother, that in luxury and affluence +with such a father. These guests might not be with us long, but +they would return again: and he, the most injurious of the whole, +his child's worst enemy, would still remain. I could endure it for +myself, but for my son it must be borne no longer: the world's +opinion and the feelings of my friends must be alike unheeded here, +at least - alike unable to deter me from my duty. But where should +I find an asylum, and how obtain subsistence for us both? Oh, I +would take my precious charge at early dawn, take the coach to M-, +flee to the port of -, cross the Atlantic, and seek a quiet, humble +home in New England, where I would support myself and him by the +labour of my hands. The palette and the easel, my darling +playmates once, must be my sober toil-fellows now. But was I +sufficiently skilful as an artist to obtain my livelihood in a +strange land, without friends and without recommendation? No; I +must wait a little; I must labour hard to improve my talent, and to +produce something worth while as a specimen of my powers, something +to speak favourably for me, whether as an actual painter or a +teacher. Brilliant success, of course, I did not look for, but +some degree of security from positive failure was indispensable: I +must not take my son to starve. And then I must have money for the +journey, the passage, and some little to support us in our retreat +in case I should be unsuccessful at first: and not too little +either: for who could tell how long I might have to struggle with +the indifference or neglect of others, or my own inexperience or +inability to suit their tastes? + +What should I do then? Apply to my brother and explain my +circumstances and my resolves to him? No, no: even if I told him +all my grievances, which I should be very reluctant to do, he would +be certain to disapprove of the step: it would seem like madness +to him, as it would to my uncle and aunt, or to Milicent. No; I +must have patience and gather a hoard of my own. Rachel should be +my only confidante - I thought I could persuade her into the +scheme; and she should help me, first, to find out a picture-dealer +in some distant town; then, through her means, I would privately +sell what pictures I had on hand that would do for such a purpose, +and some of those I should thereafter paint. Besides this, I would +contrive to dispose of my jewels, not the family jewels, but the +few I brought with me from home, and those my uncle gave me on my +marriage. A few months' arduous toil might well be borne by me +with such an end in view; and in the interim my son could not be +much more injured than he was already. + +Having formed this resolution, I immediately set to work to +accomplish it, I might possibly have been induced to wax cool upon +it afterwards, or perhaps to keep weighing the pros and cons in my +mind till the latter overbalanced the former, and I was driven to +relinquish the project altogether, or delay the execution of it to +an indefinite period, had not something occurred to confirm me in +that determination, to which I still adhere, which I still think I +did well to form, and shall do better to execute. + +Since Lord Lowborough's departure I had regarded the library as +entirely my own, a secure retreat at all hours of the day. None of +our gentlemen had the smallest pretensions to a literary taste, +except Mr. Hargrave; and he, at present, was quite contented with +the newspapers and periodicals of the day. And if, by any chance, +he should look in here, I felt assured he would soon depart on +seeing me, for, instead of becoming less cool and distant towards +me, he had become decidedly more so since the departure of his +mother and sisters, which was just what I wished. Here, then, I +set up my easel, and here I worked at my canvas from daylight till +dusk, with very little intermission, saving when pure necessity, or +my duties to little Arthur, called me away: for I still thought +proper to devote some portion of every day exclusively to his +instruction and amusement. But, contrary to my expectation, on the +third morning, while I was thus employed, Mr. Hargrave did look in, +and did not immediately withdraw on seeing me. He apologized for +his intrusion, and said he was only come for a book; but when he +had got it, he condescended to cast a glance over my picture. +Being a man of taste, he had something to say on this subject as +well as another, and having modestly commented on it, without much +encouragement from me, he proceeded to expatiate on the art in +general. Receiving no encouragement in that either, he dropped it, +but did not depart. + +'You don't give us much of your company, Mrs. Huntingdon,' observed +he, after a brief pause, during which I went on coolly mixing and +tempering my colours; 'and I cannot wonder at it, for you must be +heartily sick of us all. I myself am so thoroughly ashamed of my +companions, and so weary of their irrational conversation and +pursuits - now that there is no one to humanize them and keep them +in check, since you have justly abandoned us to our own devices - +that I think I shall presently withdraw from amongst them, probably +within this week; and I cannot suppose you will regret my +departure.' + +He paused. I did not answer. + +'Probably,' he added, with a smile, 'your only regret on the +subject will be that I do not take all my companions along with me. +I flatter myself, at times, that though among them I am not of +them; but it is natural that you should be glad to get rid of me. +I may regret this, but I cannot blame you for it.' + +'I shall not rejoice at your departure, for you can conduct +yourself like a gentleman,' said I, thinking it but right to make +some acknowledgment for his good behaviour; 'but I must confess I +shall rejoice to bid adieu. to the rest, inhospitable as it may +appear.' + +'No one can blame you for such an avowal,' replied he gravely: +'not even the gentlemen themselves, I imagine. I'll just tell +you,' he continued, as if actuated by a sudden resolution, 'what +was said last night in the dining-room, after you left us: perhaps +you will not mind it, as you're so very philosophical on certain +points,' he added with a slight sneer. 'They were talking about +Lord Lowborough and his delectable lady, the cause of whose sudden +departure is no secret amongst them; and her character is so well +known to them all, that, nearly related to me as she is, I could +not attempt to defend it. Curse me!' he muttered, par parenthese, +'if I don't have vengeance for this! If the villain must disgrace +the family, must he blazon it abroad to every low-bred knave of his +acquaintance? I beg your pardon, Mrs. Huntingdon. Well, they were +talking of these things, and some of them remarked that, as she was +separated from her husband, he might see her again when he +pleased.' + +'"Thank you," said he; "I've had enough of her for the present: +I'll not trouble to see her, unless she comes to me." + +'"Then what do you mean to do, Huntingdon, when we're gone?" said +Ralph Hattersley. "Do you mean to turn from the error of your +ways, and be a good husband, a good father, and so forth; as I do, +when I get shut of you and all these rollicking devils you call +your friends? I think it's time; and your wife is fifty times too +good for you, you know - " + +'And he added some praise of you, which you would not thank me for +repeating, nor him for uttering; proclaiming it aloud, as he did, +without delicacy or discrimination, in an audience where it seemed +profanation to utter your name: himself utterly incapable of +understanding or appreciating your real excellences. Huntingdon, +meanwhile, sat quietly drinking his wine, - or looking smilingly +into his glass and offering no interruption or reply, till +Hattersley shouted out, - "Do you hear me, man?" + +'"Yes, go on," said he. + +'"Nay, I've done," replied the other: "I only want to know if you +intend to take my advice." + +'"What advice?" + +'"To turn over a new leaf, you double-dyed scoundrel," shouted +Ralph, "and beg your wife's pardon, and be a good boy for the +future." + +'"My wife! what wife? I have no wife," replied Huntingdon, looking +innocently up from his glass, "or if I have, look you, gentlemen: +I value her so highly that any one among you, that can fancy her, +may have her and welcome: you may, by Jove, and my blessing into +the bargain!" + +'I - hem - someone asked if he really meant what he said; upon +which he solemnly swore he did, and no mistake. What do you think +of that, Mrs. Huntingdon?' asked Mr. Hargrave, after a short pause, +during which I had felt he was keenly examining my half-averted +face. + +'I say,' replied I, calmly, 'that what he prizes so lightly will +not be long in his possession.' + +'You cannot mean that you will break your heart and die for the +detestable conduct of an infamous villain like that!' + +'By no means: my heart is too thoroughly dried to be broken in a +hurry, and I mean to live as long as I can.' + +'Will you leave him then?' + +'Yes.' + +'When: and how?' asked he, eagerly. + +'When I am ready, and how I can manage it most effectually.' + +'But your child?' + +'My child goes with me.' + +'He will not allow it.' + +'I shall not ask him.' + +'Ah, then, it is a secret flight you meditate! but with whom, Mrs. +Huntingdon?' + +'With my son: and possibly, his nurse.' + +'Alone - and unprotected! But where can you go? what can you do? +He will follow you and bring you back.' + +'I have laid my plans too well for that. Let me once get clear of +Grassdale, and I shall consider myself safe.' + +Mr. Hargrave advanced one step towards me, looked me in the face, +and drew in his breath to speak; but that look, that heightened +colour, that sudden sparkle of the eye, made my blood rise in +wrath: I abruptly turned away, and, snatching up my brush, began +to dash away at my canvas with rather too much energy for the good +of the picture. + +'Mrs. Huntingdon,' said he with bitter solemnity, 'you are cruel - +cruel to me - cruel to yourself.' + +'Mr. Hargrave, remember your promise.' + +'I must speak: my heart will burst if I don't! I have been silent +long enough, and you must hear me!' cried he, boldly intercepting +my retreat to the door. 'You tell me you owe no allegiance to your +husband; he openly declares himself weary of you, and calmly gives +you up to anybody that will take you; you are about to leave him; +no one will believe that you go alone; all the world will say, "She +has left him at last, and who can wonder at it? Few can blame her, +fewer still can pity him; but who is the companion of her flight?" +Thus you will have no credit for your virtue (if you call it such): +even your best friends will not believe in it; because it is +monstrous, and not to be credited but by those who suffer, from the +effects of it, such cruel torments that they know it to be indeed +reality. But what can you do in the cold, rough world alone? you, +a young and inexperienced woman, delicately nurtured, and utterly - +' + +'In a word, you would advise me to stay where I am,' interrupted I. +'Well, I'll see about it.' + +'By all means, leave him!' cried he earnestly; 'but NOT alone! +Helen! let me protect you!' + +'Never! while heaven spares my reason,' replied I, snatching away +the hand he had presumed to seize and press between his own. But +he was in for it now; he had fairly broken the barrier: he was +completely roused, and determined to hazard all for victory. + +'I must not be denied!' exclaimed he, vehemently; and seizing both +my hands, he held them very tight, but dropped upon his knee, and +looked up in my face with a half-imploring, half-imperious gaze. +'You have no reason now: you are flying in the face of heaven's +decrees. God has designed me to be your comfort and protector - I +feel it, I know it as certainly as if a voice from heaven declared, +"Ye twain shall be one flesh" - and you spurn me from you - ' + +'Let me go, Mr. Hargrave!' said I, sternly. But he only tightened +his grasp. + +'Let me go!' I repeated, quivering with indignation. + +His face was almost opposite the window as he knelt. With a slight +start, I saw him glance towards it; and then a gleam of malicious +triumph lit up his countenance. Looking over my shoulder, I beheld +a shadow just retiring round the corner. + +'That is Grimsby,' said he deliberately. 'He will report what he +has seen to Huntingdon and all the rest, with such embellishments +as he thinks proper. He has no love for you, Mrs. Huntingdon - no +reverence for your sex, no belief in virtue, no admiration for its +image. He will give such a version of this story as will leave no +doubt at all about your character, in the minds of those who hear +it. Your fair fame is gone; and nothing that I or you can say can +ever retrieve it. But give me the power to protect you, and show +me the villain that dares to insult!' + +'No one has ever dared to insult me as you are doing now!' said I, +at length releasing my hands, and recoiling from him. + +'I do not insult you,' cried he: 'I worship you. You are my +angel, my divinity! I lay my powers at your feet, and you must and +shall accept them!' he exclaimed, impetuously starting to his feet. +'I will be your consoler and defender! and if your conscience +upbraid you for it, say I overcame you, and you could not choose +but yield!' + +I never saw a man go terribly excited. He precipitated himself +towards me. I snatched up my palette-knife and held it against +him. This startled him: he stood and gazed at me in astonishment; +I daresay I looked as fierce and resolute as he. I moved to the +bell, and put my hand upon the cord. This tamed him still more. +With a half-authoritative, half-deprecating wave of the hand, he +sought to deter me from ringing. + +'Stand off, then!' said I; he stepped back. 'And listen to me. I +don't like you,' I continued, as deliberately and emphatically as I +could, to give the greater efficacy to my words; 'and if I were +divorced from my husband, or if he were dead, I would not marry +you. There now! I hope you're satisfied.' + +His face grew blanched with anger. + +'I am satisfied,' he replied, with bitter emphasis, 'that you are +the most cold-hearted, unnatural, ungrateful woman I ever yet +beheld!' + +'Ungrateful, sir?' + +'Ungrateful.' + +'No, Mr. Hargrave, I am not. For all the good you ever did me, or +ever wished to do, I most sincerely thank you: for all the evil +you have done me, and all you would have done, I pray God to pardon +you, and make you of a better mind.' Here the door was thrown +open, and Messrs. Huntingdon and Hattersley appeared without. The +latter remained in the hall, busy with his ramrod and his gun; the +former walked in, and stood with his back to the fire, surveying +Mr. Hargrave and me, particularly the former, with a smile of +insupportable meaning, accompanied as it was by the impudence of +his brazen brow, and the sly, malicious, twinkle of his eye. + +'Well, sir?' said Hargrave, interrogatively, and with the air of +one prepared to stand on the defensive. + +'Well, sir,' returned his host. + +'We want to know if you are at liberty to join us in a go at the +pheasants, Walter,' interposed Hattersley from without. 'Come! +there shall be nothing shot besides, except a puss or two; I'll +vouch for that.' + +Walter did not answer, but walked to the window to collect his +faculties. Arthur uttered a low whistle, and followed him with his +eyes. A slight flush of anger rose to Hargrave's cheek; but in a +moment he turned calmly round, and said carelessly: + +'I came here to bid farewell to Mrs. Huntingdon, and tell her I +must go to-morrow.' + +'Humph! You're mighty sudden in your resolution. What takes you +off so soon, may I ask?' + +'Business,' returned he, repelling the other's incredulous sneer +with a glance of scornful defiance. + +'Very good,' was the reply; and Hargrave walked away. Thereupon +Mr. Huntingdon, gathering his coat-laps under his arms, and setting +his shoulder against the mantel-piece, turned to me, and, +addressing me in a low voice, scarcely above his breath, poured +forth a volley of the vilest and grossest abuse it was possible for +the imagination to conceive or the tongue to utter. I did not +attempt to interrupt him; but my spirit kindled within me, and when +he had done, I replied, 'If your accusation were true, Mr. +Huntingdon, how dare you blame me?' + +'She's hit it, by Jove!' cried Hattersley, rearing his gun against +the wall; and, stepping into the room, he took his precious friend +by the arm, and attempted to drag him away. 'Come, my lad,' he +muttered; 'true or false, you've no right to blame her, you know, +nor him either; after what you said last night. So come along.' + +There was something implied here that I could not endure. + +'Dare you suspect me, Mr. Hattersley?' said I, almost beside myself +with fury. + +'Nay, nay, I suspect nobody. It's all right, it's all right. So +come along, Huntingdon, you blackguard.' + +'She can't deny it!' cried the gentleman thus addressed, grinning +in mingled rage and triumph. 'She can't deny it if her life +depended on it!' and muttering some more abusive language, he +walked into the hall, and took up his hat and gun from the table. + +'I scorn to justify myself to you!' said I. 'But you,' turning to +Hattersley, 'if you presume to have any doubts on the subject, ask +Mr. Hargrave.' + +At this they simultaneously burst into a rude laugh that made my +whole frame tingle to the fingers' ends. + +'Where is he? I'll ask him myself!' said I, advancing towards +them. + +Suppressing a new burst of merriment, Hattersley pointed to the +outer door. It was half open. His brother-in-law was standing on +the front without. + +'Mr. Hargrave, will you please to step this way?' said I. + +He turned and looked at me in grave surprise. + +'Step this way, if you please!' I repeated, in so determined a +manner that he could not, or did not choose to resist its +authority. Somewhat reluctantly he ascended the steps and advanced +a pace or two into the hall. + +'And tell those gentlemen,' I continued - 'these men, whether or +not I yielded to your solicitations.' + +'I don't understand you, Mrs. Huntingdon.' + +'You do understand me, sir; and I charge you, upon your honour as a +gentleman (if you have any), to answer truly. Did I, or did I +not?' + +'No,' muttered he, turning away. + +'Speak up, sir; they can't hear you. Did I grant your request? + +'You did not.' + +'No, I'll be sworn she didn't,' said Hattersley, 'or he'd never +look so black.' + +'I'm willing to grant you the satisfaction of a gentleman, +Huntingdon,' said Mr. Hargrave, calmly addressing his host, but +with a bitter sneer upon his countenance. + +'Go to the deuce!' replied the latter, with an impatient jerk of +the head. Hargrave withdrew with a look of cold disdain, saying, - +'You know where to find me, should you feel disposed to send a +friend.' + +Muttered oaths and curses were all the answer this intimation +obtained. + +'Now, Huntingdon, you see!' said Hattersley. 'Clear as the day.' + +'I don't care what he sees,' said I, 'or what he imagines; but you, +Mr. Hattersley, when you hear my name belied and slandered, will +you defend it?' + +'I will.' + +I instantly departed and shut myself into the library. What could +possess me to make such a request of such a man I cannot tell; but +drowning men catch at straws: they had driven me desperate between +them; I hardly knew what I said. There was no other to preserve my +name from being blackened and aspersed among this nest of boon +companions, and through them, perhaps, into the world; and beside +my abandoned wretch of a husband, the base, malignant Grimsby, and +the false villain Hargrave, this boorish ruffian, coarse and brutal +as he was, shone like a glow-worm in the dark, among its fellow +worms. + +What a scene was this! Could I ever have imagined that I should be +doomed to bear such insults under my own roof - to hear such things +spoken in my presence; nay, spoken to me and of me; and by those +who arrogated to themselves the name of gentlemen? And could I +have imagined that I should have been able to endure it as calmly, +and to repel their insults as firmly and as boldly as I had done? +A hardness such as this is taught by rough experience and despair +alone. + +Such thoughts as these chased one another through my mind, as I +paced to and fro the room, and longed - oh, how I longed - to take +my child and leave them now, without an hour's delay! But it could +not be; there was work before me: hard work, that must be done. + +'Then let me do it,' said I, 'and lose not a moment in vain +repinings and idle chafings against my fate, and those who +influence it.' + +And conquering my agitation with a powerful effort, I immediately +resumed my task, and laboured hard all day. + +Mr. Hargrave did depart on the morrow; and I have never seen him +since. The others stayed on for two or three weeks longer; but I +kept aloof from them as much as possible, and still continued my +labour, and have continued it, with almost unabated ardour, to the +present day. I soon acquainted Rachel with my design, confiding +all my motives and intentions to her ear, and, much to my agreeable +surprise, found little difficulty in persuading her to enter into +my views. She is a sober, cautious woman, but she so hates her +master, and so loves her mistress and her nursling, that after +several ejaculations, a few faint objections, and many tears and +lamentations that I should be brought to such a pass, she applauded +my resolution and consented to aid me with all her might: on one +condition only: that she might share my exile: otherwise, she was +utterly inexorable, regarding it as perfect madness for me and +Arthur to go alone. With touching generosity, she modestly offered +to aid me with her little hoard of savings, hoping I would 'excuse +her for the liberty, but really, if I would do her the favour to +accept it as a loan, she would be very happy.' Of course I could +not think of such a thing; but now, thank heaven, I have gathered a +little hoard of my own, and my preparations are so far advanced +that I am looking forward to a speedy emancipation. Only let the +stormy severity of this winter weather be somewhat abated, and +then, some morning, Mr. Huntingdon will come down to a solitary +breakfast-table, and perhaps be clamouring through the house for +his invisible wife and child, when they are some fifty miles on +their way to the Western world, or it may be more: for we shall +leave him hours before the dawn, and it is not probable he will +discover the loss of both until the day is far advanced. + +I am fully alive to the evils that may and must result upon the +step I am about to take; but I never waver in my resolution, +because I never forget my son. It was only this morning, while I +pursued my usual employment, he was sitting at my feet, quietly +playing with the shreds of canvas I had thrown upon the carpet; but +his mind was otherwise occupied, for, in a while, he looked up +wistfully in my face, and gravely asked, - 'Mamma, why are you +wicked?' + +'Who told you I was wicked, love?' + +'Rachel.' + +'No, Arthur, Rachel never said so, I am certain.' + +'Well, then, it was papa,' replied he, thoughtfully. Then, after a +reflective pause, he added, 'At least, I'll tell you how it was I +got to know: when I'm with papa, if I say mamma wants me, or mamma +says I'm not to do something that he tells me to do, he always +says, "Mamma be damned," and Rachel says it's only wicked people +that are damned. So, mamma, that's why I think you must be wicked: +and I wish you wouldn't.' + +'My dear child, I am not. Those are bad words, and wicked people +often say them of others better than themselves. Those words +cannot make people be damned, nor show that they deserve it. God +will judge us by our own thoughts and deeds, not by what others say +about us. And when you hear such words spoken, Arthur, remember +never to repeat them: it is wicked to say such things of others, +not to have them said against you.' + +'Then it's papa that's wicked,' said he, ruefully. + +'Papa is wrong to say such things, and you will be very wrong to +imitate him now that you know better.' + +'What is imitate?' + +'To do as he does.' + +'Does he know better?' + +'Perhaps he does; but that is nothing to you.' + +'If he doesn't, you ought to tell him, mamma.' + +'I have told him.' + +The little moralist paused and pondered. I tried in vain to divert +his mind from the subject. + +'I'm sorry papa's wicked,' said he mournfully, at length, 'for I +don't want him to go to hell.' And so saying he burst into tears. + +I consoled him with the hope that perhaps his papa would alter and +become good before he died -; but is it not time to deliver him +from such a parent? + + + +CHAPTER XL + + + +January 10th, 1827. - While writing the above, yesterday evening, I +sat in the drawing-room. Mr. Huntingdon was present, but, as I +thought, asleep on the sofa behind me. He had risen, however, +unknown to me, and, actuated by some base spirit of curiosity, been +looking over my shoulder for I know not how long; for when I had +laid aside my pen, and was about to close the book, he suddenly +placed his hand upon it, and saying, - 'With your leave, my dear, +I'll have a look at this,' forcibly wrested it from me, and, +drawing a chair to the table, composedly sat down to examine it: +turning back leaf after leaf to find an explanation of what he had +read. Unluckily for me, he was more sober that night than he +usually is at such an hour. + +Of course I did not leave him to pursue this occupation in quiet: +I made several attempts to snatch the book from his hands, but he +held it too firmly for that; I upbraided him in bitterness and +scorn for his mean and dishonourable conduct, but that had no +effect upon him; and, finally, I extinguished both the candles, but +he only wheeled round to the fire, and raising a blaze sufficient +for his purposes, calmly continued the investigation. I had +serious thoughts of getting a pitcher of water and extinguishing +that light too; but it was evident his curiosity was too keenly +excited to be quenched by that, and the more I manifested my +anxiety to baffle his scrutiny, the greater would be his +determination to persist in it besides it was too late. + +'It seems very interesting, love,' said he, lifting his head and +turning to where I stood, wringing my hands in silent rage and +anguish; 'but it's rather long; I'll look at it some other time; +and meanwhile I'll trouble you for your keys, my dear.' + +'What keys?' + +'The keys of your cabinet, desk, drawers, and whatever else you +possess,' said he, rising and holding out his hand. + +'I've not got them,' I replied. The key of my desk, in fact, was +at that moment in the lock, and the others were attached to it. + +'Then you must send for them,' said he; 'and if that old devil, +Rachel, doesn't immediately deliver them up, she tramps bag and +baggage tomorrow.' + +'She doesn't know where they are,' I answered, quietly placing my +hand upon them, and taking them from the desk, as I thought, +unobserved. 'I know, but I shall not give them up without a +reason.' + +'And I know, too,' said he, suddenly seizing my closed hand and +rudely abstracting them from it. He then took up one of the +candles and relighted it by thrusting it into the fire. + +'Now, then,' sneered he, 'we must have a confiscation of property. +But, first, let us take a peep into the studio.' + +And putting the keys into his pocket, he walked into the library. +I followed, whether with the dim idea of preventing mischief, or +only to know the worst, I can hardly tell. My painting materials +were laid together on the corner table, ready for to-morrow's use, +and only covered with a cloth. He soon spied them out, and putting +down the candle, deliberately proceeded to cast them into the fire: +palette, paints, bladders, pencils, brushes, varnish: I saw them +all consumed: the palette-knives snapped in two, the oil and +turpentine sent hissing and roaring up the chimney. He then rang +the bell. + +'Benson, take those things away,' said he, pointing to the easel, +canvas, and stretcher; 'and tell the housemaid she may kindle the +fire with them: your mistress won't want them any more.' + +Benson paused aghast and looked at me. + +'Take them away, Benson,' said I; and his master muttered an oath. + +'And this and all, sir?' said the astonished servant, referring to +the half-finished picture. + +'That and all,' replied the master; and the things were cleared +away. + +Mr. Huntingdon then went up-stairs. I did not attempt to follow +him, but remained seated in the arm-chair, speechless, tearless, +and almost motionless, till he returned about half-an-hour after, +and walking up to me, held the candle in my face and peered into my +eyes with looks and laughter too insulting to be borne. With a +sudden stroke of my hand I dashed the candle to the floor. + +'Hal-lo!' muttered he, starting back; 'she's the very devil for +spite. Did ever any mortal see such eyes? - they shine in the dark +like a cat's. Oh, you're a sweet one!' So saying, he gathered up +the candle and the candlestick. The former being broken as well as +extinguished, he rang for another. + +'Benson, your mistress has broken the candle; bring another.' + +'You expose yourself finely,' observed I, as the man departed. + +'I didn't say I'd broken it, did I?' returned he. He then threw my +keys into my lap, saying, - 'There! you'll find nothing gone but +your money, and the jewels, and a few little trifles I thought it +advisable to take into my own possession, lest your mercantile +spirit should be tempted to turn them into gold. I've left you a +few sovereigns in your purse, which I expect to last you through +the month; at all events, when you want more you will be so good as +to give me an account of how that's spent. I shall put you upon a +small monthly allowance, in future, for your own private expenses; +and you needn't trouble yourself any more about my concerns; I +shall look out for a steward, my dear - I won't expose you to the +temptation. And as for the household matters, Mrs. Greaves must be +very particular in keeping her accounts; we must go upon an +entirely new plan - ' + +'What great discovery have you made now, Mr. Huntingdon? Have I +attempted to defraud you?' + +'Not in money matters, exactly, it seems; but it's best to keep out +of the way of temptation.' + +Here Benson entered with the candles, and there followed a brief +interval of silence; I sitting still in my chair, and he standing +with his back to the fire, silently triumphing in my despair. + +'And so,' said he at length, 'you thought to disgrace me, did you, +by running away and turning artist, and supporting yourself by the +labour of your hands, forsooth? And you thought to rob me of my +son, too, and bring him up to be a dirty Yankee tradesman, or a +low, beggarly painter?' + +'Yes, to obviate his becoming such a gentleman as his father.' + +'It's well you couldn't keep your own secret - ha, ha! It's well +these women must be blabbing. If they haven't a friend to talk to, +they must whisper their secrets to the fishes, or write them on the +sand, or something; and it's well, too, I wasn't over full to- +night, now I think of it, or I might have snoozed away and never +dreamt of looking what my sweet lady was about; or I might have +lacked the sense or the power to carry my point like a man, as I +have done.' + +Leaving him to his self-congratulations, I rose to secure my +manuscript, for I now remembered it had been left upon the drawing- +room table, and I determined, if possible, to save myself the +humiliation of seeing it in his hands again. I could not bear the +idea of his amusing himself over my secret thoughts and +recollections; though, to be sure, he would find little good of +himself therein indited, except in the former part; and oh, I would +sooner burn it all than he should read what I had written when I +was such a fool as to love him! + +'And by-the-by,' cried he, as I was leaving the room, 'you'd better +tell that d-d old sneak of a nurse to keep out of my way for a day +or two; I'd pay her her wages and send her packing to-morrow, but I +know she'd do more mischief out of the house than in it.' + +And as I departed, he went on cursing and abusing my faithful +friend and servant with epithets I will not defile this paper with +repeating. I went to her as soon as I had put away my book, and +told her how our project was defeated. She was as much distressed +and horrified as I was - and more so than I was that night, for I +was partly stunned by the blow, and partly excited and supported +against it by the bitterness of my wrath. But in the morning, when +I woke without that cheering hope that had been my secret comfort +and support so long, and all this day, when I have wandered about +restless and objectless, shunning my husband, shrinking even from +my child, knowing that I am unfit to be his teacher or companion, +hoping nothing for his future life, and fervently wishing he had +never been born, - I felt the full extent of my calamity, and I +feel it now. I know that day after day such feelings will return +upon me. I am a slave - a prisoner - but that is nothing; if it +were myself alone I would not complain, but I am forbidden to +rescue my son from ruin, and what was once my only consolation is +become the crowning source of my despair. + +Have I no faith in God? I try to look to Him and raise my heart to +heaven, but it will cleave to the dust. I can only say, 'He hath +hedged me about, that I cannot get out: He hath made my chain +heavy. He hath filled me with bitterness - He hath made me drunken +with wormwood.' I forget to add, 'But though He cause grief, yet +will He have compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. +For He doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.' +I ought to think of this; and if there be nothing but sorrow for me +in this world, what is the longest life of misery to a whole +eternity of peace? And for my little Arthur - has he no friend but +me? Who was it said, 'It is not the will of your Father which is +in heaven that one of these little ones should perish?' + + + +CHAPTER XLI + + + +March 20th. - Having now got rid of Mr. Huntingdon for a season, my +spirits begin to revive. He left me early in February; and the +moment he was gone, I breathed again, and felt my vital energy +return; not with the hope of escape - he has taken care to leave me +no visible chance of that - but with a determination to make the +best of existing circumstances. Here was Arthur left to me at +last; and rousing from my despondent apathy, I exerted all my +powers to eradicate the weeds that had been fostered in his infant +mind, and sow again the good seed they had rendered unproductive. +Thank heaven, it is not a barren or a stony soil; if weeds spring +fast there, so do better plants. His apprehensions are more quick, +his heart more overflowing with affection than ever his father's +could have been, and it is no hopeless task to bend him to +obedience and win him to love and know his own true friend, as long +as there is no one to counteract my efforts. + +I had much trouble at first in breaking him of those evil habits +his father had taught him to acquire, but already that difficulty +is nearly vanquished now: bad language seldom defiles his mouth, +and I have succeeded in giving him an absolute disgust for all +intoxicating liquors, which I hope not even his father or his +father's friends will be able to overcome. He was inordinately +fond of them for so young a creature, and, remembering my +unfortunate father as well as his, I dreaded the consequences of +such a taste. But if I had stinted him, in his usual quantity of +wine, or forbidden him to taste it altogether, that would only have +increased his partiality for it, and made him regard it as a +greater treat than ever. I therefore gave him quite as much as his +father was accustomed to allow him; as much, indeed, as he desired +to have - but into every glass I surreptitiously introduced a small +quantity of tartar-emetic, just enough to produce inevitable nausea +and depression without positive sickness. Finding such +disagreeable consequences invariably to result from this +indulgence, he soon grew weary of it, but the more he shrank from +the daily treat the more I pressed it upon him, till his reluctance +was strengthened to perfect abhorrence. When he was thoroughly +disgusted with every kind of wine, I allowed him, at his own +request, to try brandy-and-water, and then gin-and-water, for the +little toper was familiar with them all, and I was determined that +all should be equally hateful to him. This I have now effected; +and since he declares that the taste, the smell, the sight of any +one of them is sufficient to make him sick, I have given up teasing +him about them, except now and then as objects of terror in cases +of misbehaviour. 'Arthur, if you're not a good boy I shall give +you a glass of wine,' or 'Now, Arthur, if you say that again you +shall have some brandy-and-water,' is as good as any other threat; +and once or twice, when he was sick, I have obliged the poor child +to swallow a little wine-and-water without the tartar-emetic, by +way of medicine; and this practice I intend to continue for some +time to come; not that I think it of any real service in a physical +sense, but because I am determined to enlist all the powers of +association in my service; I wish this aversion to be so deeply +grounded in his nature that nothing in after-life may be able to +overcome it. + +Thus, I flatter myself, I shall secure him from this one vice; and +for the rest, if on his father's return I find reason to apprehend +that my good lessons will be all destroyed - if Mr. Huntingdon +commence again the game of teaching the child to hate and despise +his mother, and emulate his father's wickedness - I will yet +deliver my son from his hands. I have devised another scheme that +might be resorted to in such a case; and if I could but obtain my +brother's consent and assistance, I should not doubt of its +success. The old hall where he and I were born, and where our +mother died, is not now inhabited, nor yet quite sunk into decay, +as I believe. Now, if I could persuade him to have one or two +rooms made habitable, and to let them to me as a stranger, I might +live there, with my child, under an assumed name, and still support +myself by my favourite art. He should lend me the money to begin +with, and I would pay him back, and live in lowly independence and +strict seclusion, for the house stands in a lonely place, and the +neighbourhood is thinly inhabited, and he himself should negotiate +the sale of my pictures for me. I have arranged the whole plan in +my head: and all I want is to persuade Frederick to be of the same +mind as myself. He is coming to see me soon, and then I will make +the proposal to him, having first enlightened him upon my +circumstances sufficiently to excuse the project. + +Already, I believe, he knows much more of my situation than I have +told him. I can tell this by the air of tender sadness pervading +his letters; and by the fact of his so seldom mentioning my +husband, and generally evincing a kind of covert bitterness when he +does refer to him; as well as by the circumstance of his never +coming to see me when Mr. Huntingdon is at home. But he has never +openly expressed any disapprobation of him or sympathy for me; he +has never asked any questions, or said anything to invite my +confidence. Had he done so, I should probably have had but few +concealments from him. Perhaps he feels hurt at my reserve. He is +a strange being; I wish we knew each other better. He used to +spend a month at Staningley every year, before I was married; but, +since our father's death, I have only seen him once, when he came +for a few days while Mr. Huntingdon was away. He shall stay many +days this time, and there shall be more candour and cordiality +between us than ever there was before, since our early childhood. +My heart clings to him more than ever; and my soul is sick of +solitude. + +April 16th. - He is come and gone. He would not stay above a +fortnight. The time passed quickly, but very, very happily, and it +has done me good. I must have a bad disposition, for my +misfortunes have soured and embittered me exceedingly: I was +beginning insensibly to cherish very unamiable feelings against my +fellow-mortals, the male part of them especially; but it is a +comfort to see there is at least one among them worthy to be +trusted and esteemed; and doubtless there are more, though I have +never known them, unless I except poor Lord Lowborough, and he was +bad enough in his day. But what would Frederick have been, if he +had lived in the world, and mingled from his childhood with such +men as these of my acquaintance? and what will Arthur be, with all +his natural sweetness of disposition, if I do not save him from +that world and those companions? I mentioned my fears to +Frederick, and introduced the subject of my plan of rescue on the +evening after his arrival, when I presented my little son to his +uncle. + +'He is like you, Frederick,' said I, 'in some of his moods: I +sometimes think he resembles you more than his father; and I am +glad of it.' + +'You flatter me, Helen,' replied he, stroking the child's soft, +wavy locks. + +'No, you will think it no compliment when I tell you I would rather +have him to resemble Benson than his father.' + +He slightly elevated his eyebrows, but said nothing. + +'Do you know what sort of man Mr. Huntingdon is?' said I. + +'I think I have an idea.' + +'Have you so clear an idea that you can hear, without surprise or +disapproval, that I meditate escaping with that child to some +secret asylum, where we can live in peace, and never see him +again?' + +'Is it really so?' + +'If you have not,' continued I, 'I'll tell you something more about +him'; and I gave a sketch of his general conduct, and a more +particular account of his behaviour with regard to his child, and +explained my apprehensions on the latter's account, and my +determination to deliver him from his father's influence. + +Frederick was exceedingly indignant against Mr. Huntingdon, and +very much grieved for me; but still he looked upon my project as +wild and impracticable. He deemed my fears for Arthur +disproportioned to the circumstances, and opposed so many +objections to my plan, and devised so many milder methods for +ameliorating my condition, that I was obliged to enter into further +details to convince him that my husband was utterly incorrigible, +and that nothing could persuade him to give up his son, whatever +became of me, he being as fully determined the child should not +leave him, as I was not to leave the child; and that, in fact, +nothing would answer but this, unless I fled the country, as I had +intended before. To obviate that, he at length consented to have +one wing of the old hall put into a habitable condition, as a place +of refuge against a time of need; but hoped I would not take +advantage of it unless circumstances should render it really +necessary, which I was ready enough to promise: for though, for my +own sake, such a hermitage appears like paradise itself, compared +with my present situation, yet for my friends' sakes, for Milicent +and Esther, my sisters in heart and affection, for the poor tenants +of Grassdale, and, above all, for my aunt, I will stay if I +possibly can. + +July 29th. - Mrs. Hargrave and her daughter are come back from +London. Esther is full of her first season in town; but she is +still heart-whole and unengaged. Her mother sought out an +excellent match for her, and even brought the gentleman to lay his +heart and fortune at her feet; but Esther had the audacity to +refuse the noble gifts. He was a man of good family and large +possessions, but the naughty girl maintained he was old as Adam, +ugly as sin, and hateful as - one who shall be nameless. + +'But, indeed, I had a hard time of it,' said she: 'mamma was very +greatly disappointed at the failure of her darling project, and +very, very angry at my obstinate resistance to her will, and is so +still; but I can't help it. And Walter, too, is so seriously +displeased at my perversity and absurd caprice, as he calls it, +that I fear he will never forgive me - I did not think he could be +so unkind as he has lately shown himself. But Milicent begged me +not to yield, and I'm sure, Mrs. Huntingdon, if you had seen the +man they wanted to palm upon me, you would have advised me not to +take him too.' + +'I should have done so whether I had seen him or not,' said I; 'it +is enough that you dislike him.' + +'I knew you would say so; though mamma affirmed you would be quite +shocked at my undutiful conduct. You can't imagine how she +lectures me: I am disobedient and ungrateful; I am thwarting her +wishes, wronging my brother, and making myself a burden on her +hands. I sometimes fear she'll overcome me after all. I have a +strong will, but so has she, and when she says such bitter things, +it provokes me to such a pass that I feel inclined to do as she +bids me, and then break my heart and say, "There, mamma, it's all +your fault!"' + +'Pray don't!' said I. 'Obedience from such a motive would be +positive wickedness, and certain to bring the punishment it +deserves. Stand firm, and your mamma will soon relinquish her +persecution; and the gentleman himself will cease to pester you +with his addresses if he finds them steadily rejected.' + +'Oh, no! mamma will weary all about her before she tires herself +with her exertions; and as for Mr. Oldfield, she has given him to +understand that I have refused his offer, not from any dislike of +his person, but merely because I am giddy and young, and cannot at +present reconcile myself to the thoughts of marriage under any +circumstances: but by next season, she has no doubt, I shall have +more sense, and hopes my girlish fancies will be worn away. So she +has brought me home, to school me into a proper sense of my duty, +against the time comes round again. Indeed, I believe she will not +put herself to the expense of taking me up to London again, unless +I surrender: she cannot afford to take me to town for pleasure and +nonsense, she says, and it is not every rich gentleman that will +consent to take me without a fortune, whatever exalted ideas I may +have of my own attractions.' + +'Well, Esther, I pity you; but still, I repeat, stand firm. You +might as well sell yourself to slavery at once, as marry a man you +dislike. If your mother and brother are unkind to you, you may +leave them, but remember you are bound to your husband for life.' + +'But I cannot leave them unless I get married, and I cannot get +married if nobody sees me. I saw one or two gentlemen in London +that I might have liked, but they were younger sons, and mamma +would not let me get to know them - one especially, who I believe +rather liked me - but she threw every possible obstacle in the way +of our better acquaintance. Wasn't it provoking?' + +'I have no doubt you would feel it so, but it is possible that if +you married him, you might have more reason to regret it hereafter +than if you married Mr. Oldfield. When I tell you not to marry +without love, I do not advise you to marry for love alone: there +are many, many other things to be considered. Keep both heart and +hand in your own possession, till you see good reason to part with +them; and if such an occasion should never present itself, comfort +your mind with this reflection, that though in single life your +joys may not be very many, your sorrows, at least, will not be more +than you can bear. Marriage may change your circumstances for the +better, but, in my private opinion, it is far more likely to +produce a contrary result.' + +'So thinks Milicent; but allow me to say I think otherwise. If I +thought myself doomed to old-maidenhood, I should cease to value my +life. The thoughts of living on, year after year, at the Grove - a +hanger-on upon mamma and Walter, a mere cumberer of the ground (now +that I know in what light they would regard it), is perfectly +intolerable; I would rather run away with the butler.' + +'Your circumstances are peculiar, I allow; but have patience, love; +do nothing rashly. Remember you are not yet nineteen, and many +years are yet to pass before any one can set you down as an old +maid: you cannot tell what Providence may have in store for you. +And meantime, remember you have a right to the protection and +support of your mother and brother, however they may seem to grudge +it.' + +'You are so grave, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said Esther, after a pause. +'When Milicent uttered the same discouraging sentiments concerning +marriage, I asked if she was happy: she said she was; but I only +half believed her; and now I must put the same question to you.' + +'It is a very impertinent question,' laughed I, 'from a young girl +to a married woman so many years her senior, and I shall not answer +it.' + +'Pardon me, dear madam,' said she, laughingly throwing herself into +my arms, and kissing me with playful affection; but I felt a tear +on my neck, as she dropped her head on my bosom and continued, with +an odd mixture of sadness and levity, timidity and audacity, - 'I +know you are not so happy as I mean to be, for you spend half your +life alone at Grassdale, while Mr. Huntingdon goes about enjoying +himself where and how he pleases. I shall expect my husband to +have no pleasures but what he shares with me; and if his greatest +pleasure of all is not the enjoyment of my company, why, it will be +the worse for him, that's all.' + +'If such are your expectations of matrimony, Esther, you must, +indeed, be careful whom you marry - or rather, you must avoid it +altogether.' + + + +CHAPTER XLII + + + +September 1st. - No Mr. Huntingdon yet. Perhaps he will stay among +his friends till Christmas; and then, next spring, he will be off +again. If he continue this plan, I shall be able to stay at +Grassdale well enough - that is, I shall be able to stay, and that +is enough; even an occasional bevy of friends at the shooting +season may be borne, if Arthur get so firmly attached to me, so +well established in good sense and principles before they come that +I shall be able, by reason and affection, to keep him pure from +their contaminations. Vain hope, I fear! but still, till such a +time of trial comes I will forbear to think of my quiet asylum in +the beloved old hall. + +Mr. and Mrs. Hattersley have been staying at the Grove a fortnight: +and as Mr. Hargrave is still absent, and the weather was remarkably +fine, I never passed a day without seeing my two friends, Milicent +and Esther, either there or here. On one occasion, when Mr. +Hattersley had driven them over to Grassdale in the phaeton, with +little Helen and Ralph, and we were all enjoying ourselves in the +garden - I had a few minutes' conversation with that gentleman, +while the ladies were amusing themselves with the children. + +'Do you want to hear anything of your husband, Mrs. Huntingdon?' +said he. + +'No, unless you can tell me when to expect him home.' + +'I can't. - You don't want him, do you?' said he, with a broad +grin. + +'No.' + +'Well, I think you're better without him, sure enough - for my +part, I'm downright weary of him. I told him I'd leave him if he +didn't mend his manners, and he wouldn't; so I left him. You see, +I'm a better man than you think me; and, what's more, I have +serious thoughts of washing my hands of him entirely, and the whole +set of 'em, and comporting myself from this day forward with all +decency and sobriety, as a Christian and the father of a family +should do. What do you think of that?' + +'It is a resolution you ought to have formed long ago.' + +'Well, I'm not thirty yet; it isn't too late, is it?' + +'No; it is never too late to reform, as long as you have the sense +to desire it, and the strength to execute your purpose.' + +'Well, to tell you the truth, I've thought of it often and often +before; but he's such devilish good company, is Huntingdon, after +all. You can't imagine what a jovial good fellow he is when he's +not fairly drunk, only just primed or half-seas-over. We all have +a bit of a liking for him at the bottom of our hearts, though we +can't respect him.' + +'But should you wish yourself to be like him?' + +'No, I'd rather be like myself, bad as I am.' + +'You can't continue as bad as you are without getting worse and +more brutalised every day, and therefore more like him.' + +I could not help smiling at the comical, half-angry, half- +confounded look he put on at this rather unusual mode of address. + +'Never mind my plain speaking,' said I; 'it is from the best of +motives. But tell me, should you wish your sons to be like Mr. +Huntingdon - or even like yourself?' + +'Hang it! no.' + +'Should you wish your daughter to despise you - or, at least, to +feel no vestige of respect for you, and no affection but what is +mingled with the bitterest regret?' + +'Oh, no! I couldn't stand that.' + +'And, finally, should you wish your wife to be ready to sink into +the earth when she hears you mentioned; and to loathe the very +sound of your voice, and shudder at your approach?' + +'She never will; she likes me all the same, whatever I do.' + +'Impossible, Mr. Hattersley! you mistake her quiet submission for +affection.' + +'Fire and fury - ' + +'Now don't burst into a tempest at that. I don't mean to say she +does not love you - she does, I know, a great deal better than you +deserve; but I am quite sure, that if you behave better, she will +love you more, and if you behave worse, she will love you less and +less, till all is lost in fear, aversion, and bitterness of soul, +if not in secret hatred and contempt. But, dropping the subject of +affection, should you wish to be the tyrant of her life - to take +away all the sunshine from her existence, and make her thoroughly +miserable?' + +'Of course not; and I don't, and I'm not going to.' + +'You have done more towards it than you suppose.' + +'Pooh, pooh! she's not the susceptible, anxious, worriting creature +you imagine: she's a little meek, peaceable, affectionate body; +apt to be rather sulky at times, but quiet and cool in the main, +and ready to take things as they come.' + +'Think of what she was five years ago, when you married her, and +what she is now.' + +'I know she was a little plump lassie then, with a pretty pink and +white face: now she's a poor little bit of a creature, fading and +melting away like a snow-wreath. But hang it! - that's not my +fault.' + +'What is the cause of it then? Not years, for she's only five-and- +twenty.' + +'It's her own delicate health, and confound it, madam! what would +you make of me? - and the children, to be sure, that worry her to +death between them.' + +'No, Mr. Hattersley, the children give her more pleasure than pain: +they are fine, well-dispositioned children - ' + +'I know they are - bless them!' + +'Then why lay the blame on them? - I'll tell you what it is: it's +silent fretting and constant anxiety on your account, mingled, I +suspect, with something of bodily fear on her own. When you behave +well, she can only rejoice with trembling; she has no security, no +confidence in your judgment or principles; but is continually +dreading the close of such short-lived felicity; when you behave +ill, her causes of terror and misery are more than any one can tell +but herself. In patient endurance of evil, she forgets it is our +duty to admonish our neighbours of their transgressions. Since you +will mistake her silence for indifference, come with me, and I'll +show you one or two of her letters - no breach of confidence, I +hope, since you are her other half.' + +He followed me into the library. I sought out and put into his +hands two of Milicent's letters: one dated from London, and +written during one of his wildest seasons of reckless dissipation; +the other in the country, during a lucid interval. The former was +full of trouble and anguish; not accusing him, but deeply +regretting his connection with his profligate companions, abusing +Mr. Grimsby and others, insinuating bitter things against Mr. +Huntingdon, and most ingeniously throwing the blame of her +husband's misconduct on to other men's shoulders. The latter was +full of hope and joy, yet with a trembling consciousness that this +happiness would not last; praising his goodness to the skies, but +with an evident, though but half-expressed wish, that it were based +on a surer foundation than the natural impulses of the heart, and a +half-prophetic dread of the fall of that house so founded on the +sand, - which fall had shortly after taken place, as Hattersley +must have been conscious while he read. + +Almost at the commencement of the first letter I had the unexpected +pleasure of seeing him blush; but he immediately turned his back to +me, and finished the perusal at the window. At the second, I saw +him, once or twice, raise his hand, and hurriedly pass it across +his face. Could it be to dash away a tear? When he had done, +there was an interval spent in clearing his throat and staring out +of the window, and then, after whistling a few bars of a favourite +air, he turned round, gave me back the letters, and silently shook +me by the hand. + +'I've been a cursed rascal, God knows,' said he, as he gave it a +hearty squeeze, 'but you see if I don't make amends for it - d-n me +if I don't!' + +'Don't curse yourself, Mr. Hattersley; if God had heard half your +invocations of that kind, you would have been in hell long before +now - and you cannot make amends for the past by doing your duty +for the future, inasmuch as your duty is only what you owe to your +Maker, and you cannot do more than fulfil it: another must make +amends for your past delinquencies. If you intend to reform, +invoke God's blessing, His mercy, and His aid; not His curse.' + +'God help me, then - for I'm sure I need it. Where's Milicent?' + +'She's there, just coming in with her sister.' + +He stepped out at the glass door, and went to meet them. I +followed at a little distance. Somewhat to his wife's +astonishment, he lifted her off from the ground, and saluted her +with a hearty kiss and a strong embrace; then placing his two hands +on her shoulders, he gave her, I suppose, a sketch of the great +things he meant to do, for she suddenly threw her arms round him, +and burst into tears, exclaiming, - 'Do, do, Ralph - we shall be so +happy! How very, very good you are!' + +'Nay, not I,' said he, turning her round, and pushing her towards +me. 'Thank her; it's her doing.' + +Milicent flew to thank me, overflowing with gratitude. I +disclaimed all title to it, telling her her husband was predisposed +to amendment before I added my mite of exhortation and +encouragement, and that I had only done what she might, and ought +to have done herself. + +'Oh, no!' cried she; 'I couldn't have influenced him, I'm sure, by +anything that I could have said. I should only have bothered him +by my clumsy efforts at persuasion, if I had made the attempt.' + +'You never tried me, Milly,' said he. + +Shortly after they took their leave. They are now gone on a visit +to Hattersley's father. After that they will repair to their +country home. I hope his good resolutions will not fall through, +and poor Milicent will not be again disappointed. Her last letter +was full of present bliss, and pleasing anticipations for the +future; but no particular temptation has yet occurred to put his +virtue to the test. Henceforth, however, she will doubtless be +somewhat less timid and reserved, and he more kind and thoughtful. +- Surely, then, her hopes are not unfounded; and I have one bright +spot, at least, whereon to rest my thoughts. + + + +CHAPTER XLIII + + + +October 10th. - Mr. Huntingdon returned about three weeks ago. His +appearance, his demeanour and conversation, and my feelings with +regard to him, I shall not trouble myself to describe. The day +after his arrival, however, he surprised me by the announcement of +an intention to procure a governess for little Arthur: I told him +it was quite unnecessary, not to say ridiculous, at the present +season: I thought I was fully competent to the task of teaching +him myself - for some years to come, at least: the child's +education was the only pleasure and business of my life; and since +he had deprived me of every other occupation, he might surely leave +me that. + +He said I was not fit to teach children, or to be with them: I had +already reduced the boy to little better than an automaton; I had +broken his fine spirit with my rigid severity; and I should freeze +all the sunshine out of his heart, and make him as gloomy an +ascetic as myself, if I had the handling of him much longer. And +poor Rachel, too, came in for her share of abuse, as usual; he +cannot endure Rachel, because he knows she has a proper +appreciation of him. + +I calmly defended our several qualifications as nurse and +governess, and still resisted the proposed addition to our family; +but he cut me short by saying it was no use bothering about the +matter, for he had engaged a governess already, and she was coming +next week; so that all I had to do was to get things ready for her +reception. This was a rather startling piece of intelligence. I +ventured to inquire her name and address, by whom she had been +recommended, or how he had been led to make choice of her. + +'She is a very estimable, pious young person,' said he; 'you +needn't be afraid. Her name is Myers, I believe; and she was +recommended to me by a respectable old dowager: a lady of high +repute in the religious world. I have not seen her myself, and +therefore cannot give you a particular account of her person and +conversation, and so forth; but, if the old lady's eulogies are +correct, you will find her to possess all desirable qualifications +for her position: an inordinate love of children among the rest.' + +All this was gravely and quietly spoken, but there was a laughing +demon in his half-averted eye that boded no good, I imagined. +However, I thought of my asylum in -shire, and made no further +objections. + +When Miss Myers arrived, I was not prepared to give her a very +cordial reception. Her appearance was not particularly calculated +to produce a favourable impression at first sight, nor did her +manners and subsequent conduct, in any degree, remove the prejudice +I had already conceived against her. Her attainments were limited, +her intellect noways above mediocrity. She had a fine voice, and +could sing like a nightingale, and accompany herself sufficiently +well on the piano; but these were her only accomplishments. There +was a look of guile and subtlety in her face, a sound of it in her +voice. She seemed afraid of me, and would start if I suddenly +approached her. In her behaviour she was respectful and +complaisant, even to servility: she attempted to flatter and fawn +upon me at first, but I soon checked that. Her fondness for her +little pupil was overstrained, and I was obliged to remonstrate +with her on the subject of over-indulgence and injudicious praise; +but she could not gain his heart. Her piety consisted in an +occasional heaving of sighs, and uplifting of eyes to the ceiling, +and the utterance of a few cant phrases. She told me she was a +clergyman's daughter, and had been left an orphan from her +childhood, but had had the good fortune to obtain a situation in a +very pious family; and then she spoke so gratefully of the kindness +she had experienced from its different members, that I reproached +myself for my uncharitable thoughts and unfriendly conduct, and +relented for a time, but not for long: my causes of dislike were +too rational, my suspicions too well founded for that; and I knew +it was my duty to watch and scrutinize till those suspicions were +either satisfactorily removed or confirmed. + +I asked the name and residence of the kind and pious family. She +mentioned a common name, and an unknown and distant place of abode, +but told me they were now on the Continent, and their present +address was unknown to her. I never saw her speak much to Mr. +Huntingdon; but he would frequently look into the school-room to +see how little Arthur got on with his new companion, when I was not +there. In the evening, she sat with us in the drawing-room, and +would sing and play to amuse him or us, as she pretended, and was +very attentive to his wants, and watchful to anticipate them, +though she only talked to me; indeed, he was seldom in a condition +to be talked to. Had she been other than she was, I should have +felt her presence a great relief to come between us thus, except, +indeed, that I should have been thoroughly ashamed for any decent +person to see him as he often was. + +I did not mention my suspicions to Rachel; but she, having +sojourned for half a century in this land of sin and sorrow, has +learned to be suspicious herself. She told me from the first she +was 'down of that new governess,' and I soon found she watched her +quite as narrowly as I did; and I was glad of it, for I longed to +know the truth: the atmosphere of Grassdale seemed to stifle me, +and I could only live by thinking of Wildfell Hall. + +At last, one morning, she entered my chamber with such intelligence +that my resolution was taken before she had ceased to speak. While +she dressed me I explained to her my intentions and what assistance +I should require from her, and told her which of my things she was +to pack up, and what she was to leave behind for herself, as I had +no other means of recompensing her for this sudden dismissal after +her long and faithful service: a circumstance I most deeply +regretted, but could not avoid. + +'And what will you do, Rachel?' said I; 'will you go home, or seek +another place?' + +'I have no home, ma'am, but with you,' she replied; 'and if I leave +you I'll never go into place again as long as I live.' + +'But I can't afford to live like a lady now,' returned I: 'I must +be my own maid and my child's nurse.' + +'What signifies!' replied she, in some excitement. 'You'll want +somebody to clean and wash, and cook, won't you? I can do all +that; and never mind the wages: I've my bits o' savings yet, and +if you wouldn't take me I should have to find my own board and +lodging out of 'em somewhere, or else work among strangers: and +it's what I'm not used to: so you can please yourself, ma'am.' +Her voice quavered as she spoke, and the tears stood in her eyes. + +'I should like it above all things, Rachel, and I'd give you such +wages as I could afford: such as I should give to any servant-of- +all-work I might employ: but don't you see I should be dragging +you down with me when you have done nothing to deserve it?' + +'Oh, fiddle!' ejaculated she. + +'And, besides, my future way of living will be so widely different +to the past: so different to all you have been accustomed to - ' + +'Do you think, ma'am, I can't bear what my missis can? surely I'm +not so proud and so dainty as that comes to; and my little master, +too, God bless him!' + +'But I'm young, Rachel; I sha'n't mind it; and Arthur is young too: +it will be nothing to him.' + +'Nor me either: I'm not so old but what I can stand hard fare and +hard work, if it's only to help and comfort them as I've loved like +my own bairns: for all I'm too old to bide the thoughts o' leaving +'em in trouble and danger, and going amongst strangers myself.' + +'Then you sha'n't, Rachel!' cried I, embracing my faithful friend. +'We'll all go together, and you shall see how the new life suits +you.' + +'Bless you, honey!' cried she, affectionately returning my embrace. +'Only let us get shut of this wicked house, and we'll do right +enough, you'll see.' + +'So think I,' was my answer; and so that point was settled. + +By that morning's post I despatched a few hasty lines to Frederick, +beseeching him to prepare my asylum for my immediate reception: +for I should probably come to claim it within a day after the +receipt of that note: and telling him, in few words, the cause of +my sudden resolution. I then wrote three letters of adieu: the +first to Esther Hargrave, in which I told her that I found it +impossible to stay any longer at Grassdale, or to leave my son +under his father's protection; and, as it was of the last +importance that our future abode should be unknown to him and his +acquaintance, I should disclose it to no one but my brother, +through the medium of whom I hoped still to correspond with my +friends. I then gave her his address, exhorted her to write +frequently, reiterated some of my former admonitions regarding her +own concerns, and bade her a fond farewell. + +The second was to Milicent; much to the same effect, but a little +more confidential, as befitted our longer intimacy, and her greater +experience and better acquaintance with my circumstances. + +The third was to my aunt: a much more difficult and painful +undertaking, and therefore I had left it to the last; but I must +give her some explanation of that extraordinary step I had taken: +and that quickly, for she and my uncle would no doubt hear of it +within a day or two after my disappearance, as it was probable that +Mr. Huntingdon would speedily apply to them to know what was become +of me. At last, however, I told her I was sensible of my error: I +did not complain of its punishment, and I was sorry to trouble my +friends with its consequences; but in duty to my son I must submit +no longer; it was absolutely necessary that he should be delivered +from his father's corrupting influence. I should not disclose my +place of refuge even to her, in order that she and my uncle might +be able, with truth, to deny all knowledge concerning it; but any +communications addressed to me under cover to my brother would be +certain to reach me. I hoped she and my uncle would pardon the +step I had taken, for if they knew all, I was sure they would not +blame me; and I trusted they would not afflict themselves on my +account, for if I could only reach my retreat in safety and keep it +unmolested, I should be very happy, but for the thoughts of them; +and should be quite contented to spend my life in obscurity, +devoting myself to the training up of my child, and teaching him to +avoid the errors of both his parents. + +These things were done yesterday: I have given two whole days to +the preparation for our departure, that Frederick may have more +time to prepare the rooms, and Rachel to pack up the things: for +the latter task must be done with the utmost caution and secrecy, +and there is no one but me to assist her. I can help to get the +articles together, but I do not understand the art of stowing them +into the boxes, so as to take up the smallest possible space; and +there are her own things to do, as well as mine and Arthur's. I +can ill afford to leave anything behind, since I have no money, +except a few guineas in my purse; and besides, as Rachel observed, +whatever I left would most likely become the property of Miss +Myers, and I should not relish that. + +But what trouble I have had throughout these two days, struggling +to appear calm and collected, to meet him and her as usual, when I +was obliged to meet them, and forcing myself to leave my little +Arthur in her hands for hours together! But I trust these trials +are over now: I have laid him in my bed for better security, and +never more, I trust, shall his innocent lips be defiled by their +contaminating kisses, or his young ears polluted by their words. +But shall we escape in safety? Oh, that the morning were come, and +we were on our way at least! This evening, when I had given Rachel +all the assistance I could, and had nothing left me but to wait, +and wish and tremble, I became so greatly agitated that I knew not +what to do. I went down to dinner, but I could not force myself to +eat. Mr. Huntingdon remarked the circumstance. + +'What's to do with you now?' said he, when the removal of the +second course gave him time to look about him. + +'I am not well,' I replied: 'I think I must lie down a little; you +won't miss me much?' + +'Not the least: if you leave your chair, it'll do just as well - +better, a trifle,' he muttered, as I left the room, 'for I can +fancy somebody else fills it.' + +'Somebody else may fill it to-morrow,' I thought, but did not say. +'There! I've seen the last of you, I hope,' I muttered, as I +closed the door upon him. + +Rachel urged me to seek repose at once, to recruit my strength for +to-morrow's journey, as we must be gone before the dawn; but in my +present state of nervous excitement that was entirely out of the +question. It was equally out of the question to sit, or wander +about my room, counting the hours and the minutes between me and +the appointed time of action, straining my ears and trembling at +every sound, lest someone should discover and betray us after all. +I took up a book and tried to read: my eyes wandered over the +pages, but it was impossible to bind my thoughts to their contents. +Why not have recourse to the old expedient, and add this last event +to my chronicle? I opened its pages once more, and wrote the above +account - with difficulty, at first, but gradually my mind became +more calm and steady. Thus several hours have passed away: the +time is drawing near; and now my eyes feel heavy and my frame +exhausted. I will commend my cause to God, and then lie down and +gain an hour or two of sleep; and then! - + +Little Arthur sleeps soundly. All the house is still: there can +be no one watching. The boxes were all corded by Benson, and +quietly conveyed down the back stairs after dusk, and sent away in +a cart to the M- coach-office. The name upon the cards was Mrs. +Graham, which appellation I mean henceforth to adopt. My mother's +maiden name was Graham, and therefore I fancy I have some claim to +it, and prefer it to any other, except my own, which I dare not +resume. + + + +CHAPTER XLIV + + + +October 24th. - Thank heaven, I am free and safe at last. Early we +rose, swiftly and quietly dressed, slowly and stealthily descended +to the hall, where Benson stood ready with a light, to open the +door and fasten it after us. We were obliged to let one man into +our secret on account of the boxes, &c. All the servants were but +too well acquainted with their master's conduct, and either Benson +or John would have been willing to serve me; but as the former was +more staid and elderly, and a crony of Rachel's besides, I of +course directed her to make choice of him as her assistant and +confidant on the occasion, as far as necessity demanded, I only +hope he may not be brought into trouble thereby, and only wish I +could reward him for the perilous service he was so ready to +undertake. I slipped two guineas into his hand, by way of +remembrance, as he stood in the doorway, holding the candle to +light our departure, with a tear in his honest grey eye, and a host +of good wishes depicted on his solemn countenance. Alas! I could +offer no more: I had barely sufficient remaining for the probable +expenses of the journey. + +What trembling joy it was when the little wicket closed behind us, +as we issued from the park! Then, for one moment, I paused, to +inhale one draught of that cool, bracing air, and venture one look +back upon the house. All was dark and still: no light glimmered +in the windows, no wreath of smoke obscured the stars that sparkled +above it in the frosty sky. As I bade farewell for ever to that +place, the scene of so much guilt and misery, I felt glad that I +had not left it before, for now there was no doubt about the +propriety of such a step - no shadow of remorse for him I left +behind. There was nothing to disturb my joy but the fear of +detection; and every step removed us further from the chance of +that. + +We had left Grassdale many miles behind us before the round red sun +arose to welcome our deliverance; and if any inhabitant of its +vicinity had chanced to see us then, as we bowled along on the top +of the coach, I scarcely think they would have suspected our +identity. As I intend to be taken for a widow, I thought it +advisable to enter my new abode in mourning: I was, therefore, +attired in a plain black silk dress and mantle, a black veil (which +I kept carefully over my face for the first twenty or thirty miles +of the journey), and a black silk bonnet, which I had been +constrained to borrow of Rachel, for want of such an article +myself. It was not in the newest fashion, of course; but none the +worse for that, under present circumstances. Arthur was clad in +his plainest clothes, and wrapped in a coarse woollen shawl; and +Rachel was muffled in a grey cloak and hood that had seen better +days, and gave her more the appearance of an ordinary though decent +old woman, than of a lady's-maid. + +Oh, what delight it was to be thus seated aloft, rumbling along the +broad, sunshiny road, with the fresh morning breeze in my face, +surrounded by an unknown country, all smiling - cheerfully, +gloriously smiling in the yellow lustre of those early beams; with +my darling child in my arms, almost as happy as myself, and my +faithful friend beside me: a prison and despair behind me, +receding further, further back at every clatter of the horses' +feet; and liberty and hope before! I could hardly refrain from +praising God aloud for my deliverance, or astonishing my fellow- +passengers by some surprising outburst of hilarity. + +But the journey was a very long one, and we were all weary enough +before the close of it. It was far into the night when we reached +the town of L-, and still we were seven miles from our journey's +end; and there was no more coaching, nor any conveyance to be had, +except a common cart, and that with the greatest difficulty, for +half the town was in bed. And a dreary ride we had of it, that +last stage of the journey, cold and weary as we were; sitting on +our boxes, with nothing to cling to, nothing to lean against, +slowly dragged and cruelly shaken over the rough, hilly roads. But +Arthur was asleep in Rachel's lap, and between us we managed pretty +well to shield him from the cold night air. + +At last we began to ascend a terribly steep and stony lane, which, +in spite of the darkness, Rachel said she remembered well: she had +often walked there with me in her arms, and little thought to come +again so many years after, under such circumstances as the present. +Arthur being now awakened by the jolting and the stoppages, we all +got out and walked. We had not far to go; but what if Frederick +should not have received my letter? or if he should not have had +time to prepare the rooms for our reception, and we should find +them all dark, damp, and comfortless, destitute of food, fire, and +furniture, after all our toil? + +At length the grim, dark pile appeared before us. The lane +conducted us round by the back way. We entered the desolate court, +and in breathless anxiety surveyed the ruinous mass. Was it all +blackness and desolation? No; one faint red glimmer cheered us +from a window where the lattice was in good repair. The door was +fastened, but after due knocking and waiting, and some parleying +with a voice from an upper window, we were admitted by an old woman +who had been commissioned to air and keep the house till our +arrival, into a tolerably snug little apartment, formerly the +scullery of the mansion, which Frederick had now fitted up as a +kitchen. Here she procured us a light, roused the fire to a +cheerful blaze, and soon prepared a simple repast for our +refreshment; while we disencumbered ourselves of our travelling- +gear, and took a hasty survey of our new abode. Besides the +kitchen, there were two bedrooms, a good-sized parlour, and another +smaller one, which I destined for my studio, all well aired and +seemingly in good repair, but only partly furnished with a few old +articles, chiefly of ponderous black oak, the veritable ones that +had been there before, and which had been kept as antiquarian +relics in my brother's present residence, and now, in all haste, +transported back again. + +The old woman brought my supper and Arthur's into the parlour, and +told me, with all due formality, that 'the master desired his +compliments to Mrs. Graham, and he had prepared the rooms as well +as he could upon so short a notice; but he would do himself the +pleasure of calling upon her to-morrow, to receive her further +commands.' + +I was glad to ascend the stern-looking stone staircase, and lie +down in the gloomy, old-fashioned bed, beside my little Arthur. He +was asleep in a minute; but, weary as I was, my excited feelings +and restless cogitations kept me awake till dawn began to struggle +with the darkness; but sleep was sweet and refreshing when it came, +and the waking was delightful beyond expression. It was little +Arthur that roused me, with his gentle kisses. He was here, then, +safely clasped in my arms, and many leagues away from his unworthy +father! Broad daylight illumined the apartment, for the sun was +high in heaven, though obscured by rolling masses of autumnal +vapour. + +The scene, indeed, was not remarkably cheerful in itself, either +within or without. The large bare room, with its grim old +furniture, the narrow, latticed windows, revealing the dull, grey +sky above and the desolate wilderness below, where the dark stone +walls and iron gate, the rank growth of grass and weeds, and the +hardy evergreens of preternatural forms, alone remained to tell +that there had been once a garden, - and the bleak and barren +fields beyond might have struck me as gloomy enough at another +time; but now, each separate object seemed to echo back my own +exhilarating sense of hope and freedom: indefinite dreams of the +far past and bright anticipations of the future seemed to greet me +at every turn. I should rejoice with more security, to be sure, +had the broad sea rolled between my present and my former homes; +but surely in this lonely spot I might remain unknown; and then I +had my brother here to cheer my solitude with his occasional +visits. + +He came that morning; and I have had several interviews with him +since; but he is obliged to be very cautious when and how he comes; +not even his servants or his best friends must know of his visits +to Wildfell - except on such occasions as a landlord might be +expected to call upon a stranger tenant - lest suspicion should be +excited against me, whether of the truth or of some slanderous +falsehood. + +I have now been here nearly a fortnight, and, but for one +disturbing care, the haunting dread of discovery, I am comfortably +settled in my new home: Frederick has supplied me with all +requisite furniture and painting materials: Rachel has sold most +of my clothes for me, in a distant town, and procured me a wardrobe +more suitable to my present position: I have a second-hand piano, +and a tolerably well-stocked bookcase in my parlour; and my other +room has assumed quite a professional, business-like appearance +already. I am working hard to repay my brother for all his +expenses on my account; not that there is the slightest necessity +for anything of the kind, but it pleases me to do so: I shall have +so much more pleasure in my labour, my earnings, my frugal fare, +and household economy, when I know that I am paying my way +honestly, and that what little I possess is legitimately all my +own; and that no one suffers for my folly - in a pecuniary way at +least. I shall make him take the last penny I owe him, if I can +possibly effect it without offending him too deeply. I have a few +pictures already done, for I told Rachel to pack up all I had; and +she executed her commission but too well - for among the rest, she +put up a portrait of Mr. Huntingdon that I had painted in the first +year of my marriage. It struck me with dismay, at the moment, when +I took it from the box and beheld those eyes fixed upon me in their +mocking mirth, as if exulting still in his power to control my +fate, and deriding my efforts to escape. + +How widely different had been my feelings in painting that portrait +to what they now were in looking upon it! How I had studied and +toiled to produce something, as I thought, worthy of the original! +what mingled pleasure and dissatisfaction I had had in the result +of my labours! - pleasure for the likeness I had caught; +dissatisfaction, because I had not made it handsome enough. Now, I +see no beauty in it - nothing pleasing in any part of its +expression; and yet it is far handsomer and far more agreeable - +far less repulsive I should rather say - than he is now: for these +six years have wrought almost as great a change upon himself as on +my feelings regarding him. The frame, however, is handsome enough; +it will serve for another painting. The picture itself I have not +destroyed, as I had first intended; I have put it aside; not, I +think, from any lurking tenderness for the memory of past +affection, nor yet to remind me of my former folly, but chiefly +that I may compare my son's features and countenance with this, as +he grows up, and thus be enabled to judge how much or how little he +resembles his father - if I may be allowed to keep him with me +still, and never to behold that father's face again - a blessing I +hardly dare reckon upon. + +It seems Mr. Huntingdon is making every exertion to discover the +place of my retreat. He has been in person to Staningley, seeking +redress for his grievances - expecting to hear of his victims, if +not to find them there - and has told so many lies, and with such +unblushing coolness, that my uncle more than half believes him, and +strongly advocates my going back to him and being friends again. +But my aunt knows better: she is too cool and cautious, and too +well acquainted with both my husband's character and my own to be +imposed upon by any specious falsehoods the former could invent. +But he does not want me back; he wants my child; and gives my +friends to understand that if I prefer living apart from him, he +will indulge the whim and let me do so unmolested, and even settle +a reasonable allowance on me, provided I will immediately deliver +up his son. But heaven help me! I am not going to sell my child +for gold, though it were to save both him and me from starving: it +would be better that he should die with me than that he should live +with his father. + +Frederick showed me a letter he had received from that gentleman, +full of cool impudence such as would astonish any one who did not +know him, but such as, I am convinced, none would know better how +to answer than my brother. He gave me no account of his reply, +except to tell me that he had not acknowledged his acquaintance +with my place of refuge, but rather left it to be inferred that it +was quite unknown to him, by saying it was useless to apply to him, +or any other of my relations, for information on the subject, as it +appeared I had been driven to such extremity that I had concealed +my retreat even from my best friends; but that if he had known it, +or should at any time be made aware of it, most certainly Mr. +Huntingdon would be the last person to whom he should communicate +the intelligence; and that he need not trouble himself to bargain +for the child, for he (Frederick) fancied he knew enough of his +sister to enable him to declare, that wherever she might be, or +however situated, no consideration would induce her to deliver him +up. + +30th. - Alas! my kind neighbours will not let me alone. By some +means they have ferreted me out, and I have had to sustain visits +from three different families, all more or less bent upon +discovering who and what I am, whence I came, and why I have chosen +such a home as this. Their society is unnecessary to me, to say +the least, and their curiosity annoys and alarms me: if I gratify +it, it may lead to the ruin of my son, and if I am too mysterious +it will only excite their suspicions, invite conjecture, and rouse +them to greater exertions - and perhaps be the means of spreading +my fame from parish to parish, till it reach the ears of some one +who will carry it to the Lord of Grassdale Manor. + +I shall be expected to return their calls, but if, upon inquiry, I +find that any of them live too far away for Arthur to accompany me, +they must expect in vain for a while, for I cannot bear to leave +him, unless it be to go to church, and I have not attempted that +yet: for - it may be foolish weakness, but I am under such +constant dread of his being snatched away, that I am never easy +when he is not by my side; and I fear these nervous terrors would +so entirely disturb my devotions, that I should obtain no benefit +from the attendance. I mean, however, to make the experiment next +Sunday, and oblige myself to leave him in charge of Rachel for a +few hours. It will be a hard task, but surely no imprudence; and +the vicar has been to scold me for my neglect of the ordinances of +religion. I had no sufficient excuse to offer, and I promised, if +all were well, he should see me in my pew next Sunday; for I do not +wish to be set down as an infidel; and, besides, I know I should +derive great comfort and benefit from an occasional attendance at +public worship, if I could only have faith and fortitude to compose +my thoughts in conformity with the solemn occasion, and forbid them +to be for ever dwelling on my absent child, and on the dreadful +possibility of finding him gone when I return; and surely God in +His mercy will preserve me from so severe a trial: for my child's +own sake, if not for mine, He will not suffer him to be torn away. + +November 3rd. - I have made some further acquaintance with my +neighbours. The fine gentleman and beau of the parish and its +vicinity (in his own estimation, at least) is a young . . . . + +* * * * * + +Here it ended. The rest was torn away. How cruel, just when she +was going to mention me! for I could not doubt it was your humble +servant she was about to mention, though not very favourably, of +course. I could tell that, as well by those few words as by the +recollection of her whole aspect and demeanour towards me in the +commencement of our acquaintance. Well! I could readily forgive +her prejudice against me, and her hard thoughts of our sex in +general, when I saw to what brilliant specimens her experience had +been limited. + +Respecting me, however, she had long since seen her error, and +perhaps fallen into another in the opposite extreme: for if, at +first, her opinion of me had been lower than I deserved, I was +convinced that now my deserts were lower than her opinion; and if +the former part of this continuation had been torn away to avoid +wounding my feelings, perhaps the latter portion had been removed +for fear of ministering too much to my self-conceit. At any rate, +I would have given much to have seen it all - to have witnessed the +gradual change, and watched the progress of her esteem and +friendship for me, and whatever warmer feeling she might have; to +have seen how much of love there was in her regard, and how it had +grown upon her in spite of her virtuous resolutions and strenuous +exertions to - but no, I had no right to see it: all this was too +sacred for any eyes but her own, and she had done well to keep it +from me. + + + +CHAPTER XLV + + + +Well, Halford, what do you think of all this? and while you read +it, did you ever picture to yourself what my feelings would +probably be during its perusal? Most likely not; but I am not +going to descant upon them now: I will only make this +acknowledgment, little honourable as it may be to human nature, and +especially to myself, - that the former half of the narrative was, +to me, more painful than the latter, not that I was at all +insensible to Mrs. Huntingdon's wrongs or unmoved by her +sufferings, but, I must confess, I felt a kind of selfish +gratification in watching her husband's gradual decline in her good +graces, and seeing how completely he extinguished all her affection +at last. The effect of the whole, however, in spite of all my +sympathy for her, and my fury against him, was to relieve my mind +of an intolerable burden, and fill my heart with joy, as if some +friend had roused me from a dreadful nightmare. + +It was now near eight o'clock in the morning, for my candle had +expired in the midst of my perusal, leaving me no alternative but +to get another, at the expense of alarming the house, or to go to +bed, and wait the return of daylight. On my mother's account, I +chose the latter; but how willingly I sought my pillow, and how +much sleep it brought me, I leave you to imagine. + +At the first appearance of dawn, I rose, and brought the manuscript +to the window, but it was impossible to read it yet. I devoted +half an hour to dressing, and then returned to it again. Now, with +a little difficulty, I could manage; and with intense and eager +interest, I devoured the remainder of its contents. When it was +ended, and my transient regret at its abrupt conclusion was over, I +opened the window and put out my head to catch the cooling breeze, +and imbibe deep draughts of the pure morning air. A splendid +morning it was; the half-frozen dew lay thick on the grass, the +swallows were twittering round me, the rooks cawing, and cows +lowing in the distance; and early frost and summer sunshine mingled +their sweetness in the air. But I did not think of that: a +confusion of countless thoughts and varied emotions crowded upon me +while I gazed abstractedly on the lovely face of nature. Soon, +however, this chaos of thoughts and passions cleared away, giving +place to two distinct emotions: joy unspeakable that my adored +Helen was all I wished to think her - that through the noisome +vapours of the world's aspersions and my own fancied convictions, +her character shone bright, and clear, and stainless as that sun I +could not bear to look on; and shame and deep remorse for my own +conduct. + +Immediately after breakfast I hurried over to Wildfell Hall. +Rachel had risen many degrees in my estimation since yesterday. I +was ready to greet her quite as an old friend; but every kindly +impulse was checked by the look of cold distrust she cast upon me +on opening the door. The old virgin had constituted herself the +guardian of her lady's honour, I suppose, and doubtless she saw in +me another Mr. Hargrave, only the more dangerous in being more +esteemed and trusted by her mistress. + +'Missis can't see any one to-day, sir - she's poorly,' said she, in +answer to my inquiry for Mrs. Graham. + +'But I must see her, Rachel,' said I, placing my hand on the door +to prevent its being shut against me. + +'Indeed, sir, you can't,' replied she, settling her countenance in +still more iron frigidity than before. + +'Be so good as to announce me.' + +'It's no manner of use, Mr. Markham; she's poorly, I tell you.' + +Just in time to prevent me from committing the impropriety of +taking the citadel by storm, and pushing forward unannounced, an +inner door opened, and little Arthur appeared with his frolicsome +playfellow, the dog. He seized my hand between both his, and +smilingly drew me forward. + +'Mamma says you're to come in, Mr. Markham,' said he, 'and I am to +go out and play with Rover.' + +Rachel retired with a sigh, and I stepped into the parlour and shut +the door. There, before the fire-place, stood the tall, graceful +figure, wasted with many sorrows. I cast the manuscript on the +table, and looked in her face. Anxious and pale, it was turned +towards me; her clear, dark eyes were fixed on mine with a gaze so +intensely earnest that they bound me like a spell. + +'Have you looked it over?' she murmured. The spell was broken. + +'I've read it through,' said I, advancing into the room, - 'and I +want to know if you'll forgive me - if you can forgive me?' + +She did not answer, but her eyes glistened, and a faint red mantled +on her lip and cheek. As I approached, she abruptly turned away, +and went to the window. It was not in anger, I was well assured, +but only to conceal or control her emotion. I therefore ventured +to follow and stand beside her there, - but not to speak. She gave +me her hand, without turning her head, and murmured in a voice she +strove in vain to steady, - 'Can you forgive me?' + +It might be deemed a breach of trust, I thought, to convey that +lily hand to my lips, so I only gently pressed it between my own, +and smilingly replied, - 'I hardly can. You should have told me +this before. It shows a want of confidence - ' + +'Oh, no,' cried she, eagerly interrupting me; 'it was not that. It +was no want of confidence in you; but if I had told you anything of +my history, I must have told you all, in order to excuse my +conduct; and I might well shrink from such a disclosure, till +necessity obliged me to make it. But you forgive me? - I have done +very, very wrong, I know; but, as usual, I have reaped the bitter +fruits of my own error, - and must reap them to the end.' + +Bitter, indeed, was the tone of anguish, repressed by resolute +firmness, in which this was spoken. Now, I raised her hand to my +lips, and fervently kissed it again and again; for tears prevented +any other reply. She suffered these wild caresses without +resistance or resentment; then, suddenly turning from me, she paced +twice or thrice through the room. I knew by the contraction of her +brow, the tight compression of her lips, and wringing of her hands, +that meantime a violent conflict between reason and passion was +silently passing within. At length she paused before the empty +fire-place, and turning to me, said calmly - if that might be +called calmness which was so evidently the result of a violent +effort, - 'Now, Gilbert, you must leave me - not this moment, but +soon - and you must never come again.' + +'Never again, Helen? just when I love you more than ever.' + +'For that very reason, if it be so, we should not meet again. I +thought this interview was necessary - at least, I persuaded myself +it was so - that we might severally ask and receive each other's +pardon for the past; but there can be no excuse for another. I +shall leave this place, as soon as I have means to seek another +asylum; but our intercourse must end here.' + +'End here!' echoed I; and approaching the high, carved chimney- +piece, I leant my hand against its heavy mouldings, and dropped my +forehead upon it in silent, sullen despondency. + +'You must not come again,' continued she. There was a slight +tremor in her voice, but I thought her whole manner was provokingly +composed, considering the dreadful sentence she pronounced. 'You +must know why I tell you so,' she resumed; 'and you must see that +it is better to part at once: - if it be hard to say adieu for +ever, you ought to help me.' She paused. I did not answer. 'Will +you promise not to come? - if you won't, and if you do come here +again, you will drive me away before I know where to find another +place of refuge - or how to seek it.' + +'Helen,' said I, turning impatiently towards her, 'I cannot discuss +the matter of eternal separation calmly and dispassionately as you +can do. It is no question of mere expedience with me; it is a +question of life and death!' + +She was silent. Her pale lips quivered, and her fingers trembled +with agitation, as she nervously entwined them in the hair-chain to +which was appended her small gold watch - the only thing of value +she had permitted herself to keep. I had said an unjust and cruel +thing; but I must needs follow it up with something worse. + +'But, Helen!' I began in a soft, low tone, not daring to raise my +eyes to her face, 'that man is not your husband: in the sight of +heaven he has forfeited all claim to - ' She seized my arm with a +grasp of startling energy. + +'Gilbert, don't!' she cried, in a tone that would have pierced a +heart of adamant. 'For God's sake, don't you attempt these +arguments! No fiend could torture me like this!' + +'I won't, I won't!' said I, gently laying my hand on hers; almost +as much alarmed at her vehemence as ashamed of my own misconduct. + +'Instead of acting like a true friend,' continued she, breaking +from me, and throwing herself into the old arm-chair, 'and helping +me with all your might - or rather taking your own part in the +struggle of right against passion - you leave all the burden to me; +- and not satisfied with that, you do your utmost to fight against +me - when you know that! - ' she paused, and hid her face in her +handkerchief. + +'Forgive me, Helen!' pleaded I. 'I will never utter another word +on the subject. But may we not still meet as friends?' + +'It will not do,' she replied, mournfully shaking her head; and +then she raised her eyes to mine, with a mildly reproachful look +that seemed to say, 'You must know that as well as I.' + +'Then what must we do?' cried I, passionately. But immediately I +added in a quieter tone - 'I'll do whatever you desire; only don't +say that this meeting is to be our last.' + +'And why not? Don't you know that every time we meet the thoughts +of the final parting will become more painful? Don't you feel that +every interview makes us dearer to each other than the last?' + +The utterance of this last question was hurried and low, and the +downcast eyes and burning blush too plainly showed that she, at +least, had felt it. It was scarcely prudent to make such an +admission, or to add - as she presently did - 'I have power to bid +you go, now: another time it might be different,' - but I was not +base enough to attempt to take advantage of her candour. + +'But we may write,' I timidly suggested. 'You will not deny me +that consolation?' + +'We can hear of each other through my brother.' + +'Your brother!' A pang of remorse and shame shot through me. She +had not heard of the injury he had sustained at my hands; and I had +not the courage to tell her. 'Your brother will not help us,' I +said: 'he would have all communion between us to be entirely at an +end.' + +'And he would be right, I suppose. As a friend of both, he would +wish us both well; and every friend would tell us it was our +interest, as well as our duty, to forget each other, though we +might not see it ourselves. But don't be afraid, Gilbert,' she +added, smiling sadly at my manifest discomposure; 'there is little +chance of my forgetting you. But I did not mean that Frederick +should be the means of transmitting messages between us - only that +each might know, through him, of the other's welfare; - and more +than this ought not to be: for you are young, Gilbert, and you +ought to marry - and will some time, though you may think it +impossible now: and though I hardly can say I wish you to forget +me, I know it is right that you should, both for your own +happiness, and that of your future wife; - and therefore I must and +will wish it,' she added resolutely. + +'And you are young too, Helen,' I boldly replied; 'and when that +profligate scoundrel has run through his career, you will give your +hand to me - I'll wait till then.' + +But she would not leave me this support. Independently of the +moral evil of basing our hopes upon the death of another, who, if +unfit for this world, was at least no less so for the next, and +whose amelioration would thus become our bane and his greatest +transgression our greatest benefit, - she maintained it to be +madness: many men of Mr. Huntingdon's habits had lived to a ripe +though miserable old age. 'And if I,' said she, 'am young in +years, I am old in sorrow; but even if trouble should fail to kill +me before vice destroys him, think, if he reached but fifty years +or so, would you wait twenty or fifteen - in vague uncertainty and +suspense - through all the prime of youth and manhood - and marry +at last a woman faded and worn as I shall be - without ever having +seen me from this day to that? - You would not,' she continued, +interrupting my earnest protestations of unfailing constancy, - 'or +if you would, you should not. Trust me, Gilbert; in this matter I +know better than you. You think me cold and stony-hearted, and you +may, but - ' + +'I don't, Helen.' + +'Well, never mind: you might if you would: but I have not spent +my solitude in utter idleness, and I am not speaking now from the +impulse of the moment, as you do. I have thought of all these +matters again and again; I have argued these questions with myself, +and pondered well our past, and present, and future career; and, +believe me, I have come to the right conclusion at last. Trust my +words rather than your own feelings now, and in a few years you +will see that I was right - though at present I hardly can see it +myself,' she murmured with a sigh as she rested her head on her +hand. 'And don't argue against me any more: all you can say has +been already said by my own heart and refuted by my reason. It was +hard enough to combat those suggestions as they were whispered +within me; in your mouth they are ten times worse, and if you knew +how much they pain me you would cease at once, I know. If you knew +my present feelings, you would even try to relieve them at the +expense of your own.' + +'I will go - in a minute, if that can relieve you - and NEVER +return!' said I, with bitter emphasis. 'But, if we may never meet, +and never hope to meet again, is it a crime to exchange our +thoughts by letter? May not kindred spirits meet, and mingle in +communion, whatever be the fate and circumstances of their earthly +tenements?' + +'They may, they may!' cried she, with a momentary burst of glad +enthusiasm. 'I thought of that too, Gilbert, but I feared to +mention it, because I feared you would not understand my views upon +the subject. I fear it even now - I fear any kind friend would +tell us we are both deluding ourselves with the idea of keeping up +a spiritual intercourse without hope or prospect of anything +further - without fostering vain regrets and hurtful aspirations, +and feeding thoughts that should be sternly and pitilessly left to +perish of inanition.' + +'Never mind our kind friends: if they can part our bodies, it is +enough; in God's name, let them not sunder our souls!' cried I, in +terror lest she should deem it her duty to deny us this last +remaining consolation. + +'But no letters can pass between us here,' said she, 'without +giving fresh food for scandal; and when I departed, I had intended +that my new abode should be unknown to you as to the rest of the +world; not that I should doubt your word if you promised not to +visit me, but I thought you would be more tranquil in your own mind +if you knew you could not do it, and likely to find less difficulty +in abstracting yourself from me if you could not picture my +situation to your mind. But listen,' said she, smilingly putting +up her finger to check my impatient reply: 'in six months you +shall hear from Frederick precisely where I am; and if you still +retain your wish to write to me, and think you can maintain a +correspondence all thought, all spirit - such as disembodied souls +or unimpassioned friends, at least, might hold, - write, and I will +answer you.' + +'Six months!' + +'Yes, to give your present ardour time to cool, and try the truth +and constancy of your soul's love for mine. And now, enough has +been said between us. Why can't we part at once?' exclaimed she, +almost wildly, after a moment's pause, as she suddenly rose from +her chair, with her hands resolutely clasped together. I thought +it was my duty to go without delay; and I approached and half +extended my hand as if to take leave - she grasped it in silence. +But this thought of final separation was too intolerable: it +seemed to squeeze the blood out of my heart; and my feet were glued +to the floor. + +'And must we never meet again?' I murmured, in the anguish of my +soul. + +'We shall meet in heaven. Let us think of that,' said she in a +tone of desperate calmness; but her eyes glittered wildly, and her +face was deadly pale. + +'But not as we are now,' I could not help replying. 'It gives me +little consolation to think I shall next behold you as a +disembodied spirit, or an altered being, with a frame perfect and +glorious, but not like this! - and a heart, perhaps, entirely +estranged from me.' + +'No, Gilbert, there is perfect love in heaven!' + +'So perfect, I suppose, that it soars above distinctions, and you +will have no closer sympathy with me than with any one of the ten +thousand thousand angels and the innumerable multitude of happy +spirits round us.' + +'Whatever I am, you will be the same, and, therefore, cannot +possibly regret it; and whatever that change may be we know it must +be for the better.' + +'But if I am to be so changed that I shall cease to adore you with +my whole heart and soul, and love you beyond every other creature, +I shall not be myself; and though, if ever I win heaven at all, I +must, I know, be infinitely better and happier than I am now, my +earthly nature cannot rejoice in the anticipation of such +beatitude, from which itself and its chief joy must be excluded.' + +'Is your love all earthly, then?' + +'No, but I am supposing we shall have no more intimate communion +with each other than with the rest.' + +'If so, it will be because we love them more, and not each other +less. Increase of love brings increase of happiness, when it is +mutual, and pure as that will be.' + +'But can you, Helen, contemplate with delight this prospect of +losing me in a sea of glory?' + +'I own I cannot; but we know not that it will be so; - and I do +know that to regret the exchange of earthly pleasures for the joys +of heaven, is as if the grovelling caterpillar should lament that +it must one day quit the nibbled leaf to soar aloft and flutter +through the air, roving at will from flower to flower, sipping +sweet honey from their cups, or basking in their sunny petals. If +these little creatures knew how great a change awaited them, no +doubt they would regret it; but would not all such sorrow be +misplaced? And if that illustration will not move you, here is +another:- We are children now; we feel as children, and we +understand as children; and when we are told that men and women do +not play with toys, and that our companions will one day weary of +the trivial sports and occupations that interest them and us so +deeply now, we cannot help being saddened at the thoughts of such +an alteration, because we cannot conceive that as we grow up our +own minds will become so enlarged and elevated that we ourselves +shall then regard as trifling those objects and pursuits we now so +fondly cherish, and that, though our companions will no longer join +us in those childish pastimes, they will drink with us at other +fountains of delight, and mingle their souls with ours in higher +aims and nobler occupations beyond our present comprehension, but +not less deeply relished or less truly good for that, while yet +both we and they remain essentially the same individuals as before. +But, Gilbert, can you really derive no consolation from the thought +that we may meet together where there is no more pain and sorrow, +no more striving against sin, and struggling of the spirit against +the flesh; where both will behold the same glorious truths, and +drink exalted and supreme felicity from the same fountain of light +and goodness - that Being whom both will worship with the same +intensity of holy ardour - and where pure and happy creatures both +will love with the same divine affection? If you cannot, never +write to me!' + +'Helen, I can! if faith would never fail.' + +'Now, then,' exclaimed she, 'while this hope is strong within us - +' + +'We will part,' I cried. 'You shall not have the pain of another +effort to dismiss me. I will go at once; but - ' + +I did not put my request in words: she understood it +instinctively, and this time she yielded too - or rather, there was +nothing so deliberate as requesting or yielding in the matter: +there was a sudden impulse that neither could resist. One moment I +stood and looked into her face, the next I held her to my heart, +and we seemed to grow together in a close embrace from which no +physical or mental force could rend us. A whispered 'God bless +you!' and 'Go - go!' was all she said; but while she spoke she held +me so fast that, without violence, I could not have obeyed her. At +length, however, by some heroic effort, we tore ourselves apart, +and I rushed from the house. + +I have a confused remembrance of seeing little Arthur running up +the garden-walk to meet me, and of bolting over the wall to avoid +him - and subsequently running down the steep fields, clearing the +stone fences and hedges as they came in my way, till I got +completely out of sight of the old hall and down to the bottom of +the hill; and then of long hours spent in bitter tears and +lamentations, and melancholy musings in the lonely valley, with the +eternal music in my ears, of the west wind rushing through the +overshadowing trees, and the brook babbling and gurgling along its +stony bed; my eyes, for the most part, vacantly fixed on the deep, +chequered shades restlessly playing over the bright sunny grass at +my feet, where now and then a withered leaf or two would come +dancing to share the revelry; but my heart was away up the hill in +that dark room where she was weeping desolate and alone - she whom +I was not to comfort, not to see again, till years or suffering had +overcome us both, and torn our spirits from their perishing abodes +of clay. + +There was little business done that day, you may be sure. The farm +was abandoned to the labourers, and the labourers were left to +their own devices. But one duty must be attended to; I had not +forgotten my assault upon Frederick Lawrence; and I must see him to +apologise for the unhappy deed. I would fain have put it off till +the morrow; but what if he should denounce me to his sister in the +meantime? No, no! I must ask his pardon to-day, and entreat him +to be lenient in his accusation, if the revelation must be made. I +deferred it, however, till the evening, when my spirits were more +composed, and when - oh, wonderful perversity of human nature! - +some faint germs of indefinite hopes were beginning to rise in my +mind; not that I intended to cherish them, after all that had been +said on the subject, but there they must lie for a while, uncrushed +though not encouraged, till I had learnt to live without them. + +Arrived at Woodford, the young squire's abode, I found no little +difficulty in obtaining admission to his presence. The servant +that opened the door told me his master was very ill, and seemed to +think it doubtful whether he would be able to see me. I was not +going to be baulked, however. I waited calmly in the hall to be +announced, but inwardly determined to take no denial. The message +was such as I expected - a polite intimation that Mr. Lawrence +could see no one; he was feverish, and must not be disturbed. + +'I shall not disturb him long,' said I; 'but I must see him for a +moment: it is on business of importance that I wish to speak to +him.' + +'I'll tell him, sir,' said the man. And I advanced further into +the hall and followed him nearly to the door of the apartment where +his master was - for it seemed he was not in bed. The answer +returned was that Mr. Lawrence hoped I would be so good as to leave +a message or a note with the servant, as he could attend to no +business at present. + +'He may as well see me as you,' said I; and, stepping past the +astonished footman, I boldly rapped at the door, entered, and +closed it behind me. The room was spacious and handsomely +furnished - very comfortably, too, for a bachelor. A clear, red +fire was burning in the polished grate: a superannuated greyhound, +given up to idleness and good living, lay basking before it on the +thick, soft rug, on one corner of which, beside the sofa, sat a +smart young springer, looking wistfully up in its master's face - +perhaps asking permission to share his couch, or, it might be, only +soliciting a caress from his hand or a kind word from his lips. +The invalid himself looked very interesting as he lay reclining +there, in his elegant dressing-gown, with a silk handkerchief bound +across his temples. His usually pale face was flushed and +feverish; his eyes were half closed, until he became sensible of my +presence - and then he opened them wide enough: one hand was +thrown listlessly over the back of the sofa, and held a small +volume, with which, apparently, he had been vainly attempting to +beguile the weary hours. He dropped it, however, in his start of +indignant surprise as I advanced into the room and stood before him +on the rug. He raised himself on his pillows, and gazed upon me +with equal degrees of nervous horror, anger, and amazement depicted +on his countenance. + +'Mr. Markham, I scarcely expected this!' he said; and the blood +left his cheek as he spoke. + +'I know you didn't,' answered I; 'but be quiet a minute, and I'll +tell you what I came for.' Unthinkingly, I advanced a step or two +nearer. He winced at my approach, with an expression of aversion +and instinctive physical fear anything but conciliatory to my +feelings. I stepped back, however. + +'Make your story a short one,' said he, putting his hand on the +small silver bell that stood on the table beside him, 'or I shall +be obliged to call for assistance. I am in no state to bear your +brutalities now, or your presence either.' And in truth the +moisture started from his pores and stood on his pale forehead like +dew. + +Such a reception was hardly calculated to diminish the difficulties +of my unenviable task. It must be performed however, in some +fashion; and so I plunged into it at once, and floundered through +it as I could. + +'The truth is, Lawrence,' said I, 'I have not acted quite correctly +towards you of late - especially on this last occasion; and I'm +come to - in short, to express my regret for what has been done, +and to beg your pardon. If you don't choose to grant it,' I added +hastily, not liking the aspect of his face, 'it's no matter; only +I've done my duty - that's all.' + +'It's easily done,' replied he, with a faint smile bordering on a +sneer: 'to abuse your friend and knock him on the head without any +assignable cause, and then tell him the deed was not quite correct, +but it's no matter whether he pardons it or not.' + +'I forgot to tell you that it was in consequence of a mistake,' - +muttered I. 'I should have made a very handsome apology, but you +provoked me so confoundedly with your -. Well, I suppose it's my +fault. The fact is, I didn't know that you were Mrs. Graham's +brother, and I saw and heard some things respecting your conduct +towards her which were calculated to awaken unpleasant suspicions, +that, allow me to say, a little candour and confidence on your part +might have removed; and, at last, I chanced to overhear a part of a +conversation between you and her that made me think I had a right +to hate you.' + +'And how came you to know that I was her brother?' asked he, in +some anxiety. + +'She told me herself. She told me all. She knew I might be +trusted. But you needn't disturb yourself about that, Mr. +Lawrence, for I've seen the last of her!' + +'The last! Is she gone, then?' + +'No; but she has bid adieu to me, and I have promised never to go +near that house again while she inhabits it.' I could have groaned +aloud at the bitter thoughts awakened by this turn in the +discourse. But I only clenched my hands and stamped my foot upon +the rug. My companion, however, was evidently relieved. + +'You have done right,' he said, in a tone of unqualified +approbation, while his face brightened into almost a sunny +expression. 'And as for the mistake, I am sorry for both our sakes +that it should have occurred. Perhaps you can forgive my want of +candour, and remember, as some partial mitigation of the offence, +how little encouragement to friendly confidence you have given me +of late.' + +'Yes, yes - I remember it all: nobody can blame me more than I +blame myself in my own heart; at any rate, nobody can regret more +sincerely than I do the result of my brutality, as you rightly term +it.' + +'Never mind that,' said he, faintly smiling; 'let us forget all +unpleasant words on both sides, as well as deeds, and consign to +oblivion everything that we have cause to regret. Have you any +objection to take my hand, or you'd rather not?' It trembled +through weakness as he held it out, and dropped before I had time +to catch it and give it a hearty squeeze, which he had not the +strength to return. + +'How dry and burning your hand is, Lawrence,' said I. 'You are +really ill, and I have made you worse by all this talk.' + +'Oh, it is nothing; only a cold got by the rain.' + +'My doing, too.' + +'Never mind that. But tell me, did you mention this affair to my +sister?' + +'To confess the truth, I had not the courage to do so; but when you +tell her, will you just say that I deeply regret it, and - ?' + +'Oh, never fear! I shall say nothing against you, as long as you +keep your good resolution of remaining aloof from her. She has not +heard of my illness, then, that you are aware of?' + +'I think not.' + +'I'm glad of that, for I have been all this time tormenting myself +with the fear that somebody would tell her I was dying, or +desperately ill, and she would be either distressing herself on +account of her inability to hear from me or do me any good, or +perhaps committing the madness of coming to see me. I must +contrive to let her know something about it, if I can,' continued +he, reflectively, 'or she will be hearing some such story. Many +would be glad to tell her such news, just to see how she would take +it; and then she might expose herself to fresh scandal.' + +'I wish I had told her,' said I. 'If it were not for my promise, I +would tell her now.' + +'By no means! I am not dreaming of that; - but if I were to write +a short note, now, not mentioning you, Markham, but just giving a +slight account of my illness, by way of excuse for my not coming to +see her, and to put her on her guard against any exaggerated +reports she may hear, - and address it in a disguised hand - would +you do me the favour to slip it into the post-office as you pass? +for I dare not trust any of the servants in such a case.' + +Most willingly I consented, and immediately brought him his desk. +There was little need to disguise his hand, for the poor fellow +seemed to have considerable difficulty in writing at all, so as to +be legible. When the note was done, I thought it time to retire, +and took leave, after asking if there was anything in the world I +could do for him, little or great, in the way of alleviating his +sufferings, and repairing the injury I had done. + +'No,' said he; 'you have already done much towards it; you have +done more for me than the most skilful physician could do: for you +have relieved my mind of two great burdens - anxiety on my sister's +account, and deep regret upon your own: for I do believe these two +sources of torment have had more effect in working me up into a +fever than anything else; and I am persuaded I shall soon recover +now. There is one more thing you can do for me, and that is, come +and see me now and then - for you see I am very lonely here, and I +promise your entrance shall not be disputed again.' + +I engaged to do so, and departed with a cordial pressure of the +hand. I posted the letter on my way home, most manfully resisting +the temptation of dropping in a word from myself at the same time. + + + +CHAPTER XLVI + + + +I felt strongly tempted, at times, to enlighten my mother and +sister on the real character and circumstances of the persecuted +tenant of Wildfell Hall, and at first I greatly regretted having +omitted to ask that lady's permission to do so; but, on due +reflection, I considered that if it were known to them, it could +not long remain a secret to the Millwards and Wilsons, and such was +my present appreciation of Eliza Millward's disposition, that, if +once she got a clue to the story, I should fear she would soon find +means to enlighten Mr. Huntingdon upon the place of his wife's +retreat. I would therefore wait patiently till these weary six +months were over, and then, when the fugitive had found another +home, and I was permitted to write to her, I would beg to be +allowed to clear her name from these vile calumnies: at present I +must content myself with simply asserting that I knew them to be +false, and would prove it some day, to the shame of those who +slandered her. I don't think anybody believed me, but everybody +soon learned to avoid insinuating a word against her, or even +mentioning her name in my presence. They thought I was so madly +infatuated by the seductions of that unhappy lady that I was +determined to support her in the very face of reason; and meantime +I grow insupportably morose and misanthropical from the idea that +every one I met was harbouring unworthy thoughts of the supposed +Mrs. Graham, and would express them if he dared. My poor mother +was quite distressed about me; but I couldn't help it - at least I +thought I could not, though sometimes I felt a pang of remorse for +my undutiful conduct to her, and made an effort to amend, attended +with some partial success; and indeed I was generally more +humanised in my demeanour to her than to any one else, Mr. Lawrence +excepted. Rose and Fergus usually shunned my presence; and it was +well they did, for I was not fit company for them, nor they for me, +under the present circumstances. + +Mrs. Huntingdon did not leave Wildfell Hall till above two months +after our farewell interview. During that time she never appeared +at church, and I never went near the house: I only knew she was +still there by her brother's brief answers to my many and varied +inquiries respecting her. I was a very constant and attentive +visitor to him throughout the whole period of his illness and +convalescence; not only from the interest I took in his recovery, +and my desire to cheer him up and make the utmost possible amends +for my former 'brutality,' but from my growing attachment to +himself, and the increasing pleasure I found in his society - +partly from his increased cordiality to me, but chiefly on account +of his close connection, both in blood and in affection, with my +adored Helen. I loved him for it better than I liked to express: +and I took a secret delight in pressing those slender white +fingers, so marvellously like her own, considering he was not a +woman, and in watching the passing changes in his fair, pale +features, and observing the intonations of his voice, detecting +resemblances which I wondered had never struck me before. He +provoked me at times, indeed, by his evident reluctance to talk to +me about his sister, though I did not question the friendliness of +his motives in wishing to discourage my remembrance of her. + +His recovery was not quite so rapid as he had expected it to be; he +was not able to mount his pony till a fortnight after the date of +our reconciliation; and the first use he made of his returning +strength was to ride over by night to Wildfell Hall, to see his +sister. It was a hazardous enterprise both for him and for her, +but he thought it necessary to consult with her on the subject of +her projected departure, if not to calm her apprehensions +respecting his health, and the worst result was a slight relapse of +his illness, for no one knew of the visit but the inmates of the +old Hall, except myself; and I believe it had not been his +intention to mention it to me, for when I came to see him the next +day, and observed he was not so well as he ought to have been, he +merely said he had caught cold by being out too late in the +evening. + +'You'll never be able to see your sister, if you don't take care of +yourself,' said I, a little provoked at the circumstance on her +account, instead of commiserating him. + +'I've seen her already,' said he, quietly. + +'You've seen her!' cried I, in astonishment. + +'Yes.' And then he told me what considerations had impelled him to +make the venture, and with what precautions he had made it. + +'And how was she?' I eagerly asked. + +'As usual,' was the brief though sad reply. + +'As usual - that is, far from happy and far from strong.' + +'She is not positively ill,' returned he; 'and she will recover her +spirits in a while, I have no doubt - but so many trials have been +almost too much for her. How threatening those clouds look,' +continued he, turning towards the window. 'We shall have thunder- +showers before night, I imagine, and they are just in the midst of +stacking my corn. Have you got yours all in yet?' + +'No. And, Lawrence, did she - did your sister mention me?' + +'She asked if I had seen you lately.' + +'And what else did she say?' + +'I cannot tell you all she said,' replied he, with a slight smile; +'for we talked a good deal, though my stay was but short; but our +conversation was chiefly on the subject of her intended departure, +which I begged her to delay till I was better able to assist her in +her search after another home.' + +'But did she say no more about me?' + +'She did not say much about you, Markham. I should not have +encouraged her to do so, had she been inclined; but happily she was +not: she only asked a few questions concerning you, and seemed +satisfied with my brief answers, wherein she showed herself wiser +than her friend; and I may tell you, too, that she seemed to be far +more anxious lest you should think too much of her, than lest you +should forget her.' + +'She was right.' + +'But I fear your anxiety is quite the other way respecting her.' + +'No, it is not: I wish her to be happy; but I don't wish her to +forget me altogether. She knows it is impossible that I should +forget her; and she is right to wish me not to remember her too +well. I should not desire her to regret me too deeply; but I can +scarcely imagine she will make herself very unhappy about me, +because I know I am not worthy of it, except in my appreciation of +her.' + +'You are neither of you worthy of a broken heart, - nor of all the +sighs, and tears, and sorrowful thoughts that have been, and I fear +will be, wasted upon you both; but, at present, each has a more +exalted opinion of the other than, I fear, he or she deserves; and +my sister's feelings are naturally full as keen as yours, and I +believe more constant; but she has the good sense and fortitude to +strive against them in this particular; and I trust she will not +rest till she has entirely weaned her thoughts - ' he hesitated. + +'From me,' said I. + +'And I wish you would make the like exertions,' continued he. + +'Did she tell you that that was her intention?' + +'No; the question was not broached between us: there was no +necessity for it, for I had no doubt that such was her +determination.' + +'To forget me?' + +'Yes, Markham! Why not?' + +'Oh, well!' was my only audible reply; but I internally answered, - +'No, Lawrence, you're wrong there: she is not determined to forget +me. It would be wrong to forget one so deeply and fondly devoted +to her, who can so thoroughly appreciate her excellencies, and +sympathise with all her thoughts, as I can do, and it would be +wrong in me to forget so excellent and divine a piece of God's +creation as she, when I have once so truly loved and known her.' +But I said no more to him on that subject. I instantly started a +new topic of conversation, and soon took leave of my companion, +with a feeling of less cordiality towards him than usual. Perhaps +I had no right to be annoyed at him, but I was so nevertheless. + +In little more than a week after this I met him returning from a +visit to the Wilsons'; and I now resolved to do him a good turn, +though at the expense of his feelings, and perhaps at the risk of +incurring that displeasure which is so commonly the reward of those +who give disagreeable information, or tender their advice unasked. +In this, believe me, I was actuated by no motives of revenge for +the occasional annoyances I had lately sustained from him, - nor +yet by any feeling of malevolent enmity towards Miss Wilson, but +purely by the fact that I could not endure that such a woman should +be Mrs. Huntingdon's sister, and that, as well for his own sake as +for hers, I could not bear to think of his being deceived into a +union with one so unworthy of him, and so utterly unfitted to be +the partner of his quiet home, and the companion of his life. He +had had uncomfortable suspicions on that head himself, I imagined; +but such was his inexperience, and such were the lady's powers of +attraction, and her skill in bringing them to bear upon his young +imagination, that they had not disturbed him long; and I believe +the only effectual causes of the vacillating indecision that had +preserved him hitherto from making an actual declaration of love, +was the consideration of her connections, and especially of her +mother, whom he could not abide. Had they lived at a distance, he +might have surmounted the objection, but within two or three miles +of Woodford it was really no light matter. + +'You've been to call on the Wilsons, Lawrence,' said I, as I walked +beside his pony. + +'Yes,' replied he, slightly averting his face: 'I thought it but +civil to take the first opportunity of returning their kind +attentions, since they have been so very particular and constant in +their inquiries throughout the whole course of my illness.' + +'It's all Miss Wilson's doing.' + +'And if it is,' returned he, with a very perceptible blush, 'is +that any reason why I should not make a suitable acknowledgment?' + +'It is a reason why you should not make the acknowledgment she +looks for.' + +'Let us drop that subject if you please,' said he, in evident +displeasure. + +'No, Lawrence, with your leave we'll continue it a while longer; +and I'll tell you something, now we're about it, which you may +believe or not as you choose - only please to remember that it is +not my custom to speak falsely, and that in this case I can have no +motive for misrepresenting the truth - ' + +'Well, Markham, what now?' + +'Miss Wilson hates your sister. It may be natural enough that, in +her ignorance of the relationship, she should feel some degree of +enmity against her, but no good or amiable woman would be capable +of evincing that bitter, cold-blooded, designing malice towards a +fancied rival that I have observed in her.' + +'Markham!' + +'Yes - and it is my belief that Eliza Millward and she, if not the +very originators of the slanderous reports that have been +propagated, were designedly the encouragers and chief disseminators +of them. She was not desirous to mix up your name in the matter, +of course, but her delight was, and still is, to blacken your +sister's character to the utmost of her power, without risking too +greatly the exposure of her own malevolence!' + +'I cannot believe it,' interrupted my companion, his face burning +with indignation. + +'Well, as I cannot prove it, I must content myself with asserting +that it is so to the best of my belief; but as you would not +willingly marry Miss Wilson if it were so, you will do well to be +cautious, till you have proved it to be otherwise.' + +'I never told you, Markham, that I intended to marry Miss Wilson,' +said he, proudly. + +'No, but whether you do or not, she intends to marry you.' + +'Did she tell you so?' + +'No, but - ' + +'Then you have no right to make such an assertion respecting her.' +He slightly quickened his pony's pace, but I laid my hand on its +mane, determined he should not leave me yet. + +'Wait a moment, Lawrence, and let me explain myself; and don't be +so very - I don't know what to call it - inaccessible as you are. - +I know what you think of Jane Wilson; and I believe I know how far +you are mistaken in your opinion: you think she is singularly +charming, elegant, sensible, and refined: you are not aware that +she is selfish, cold-hearted, ambitious, artful, shallow-minded - ' + +'Enough, Markham - enough!' + +'No; let me finish:- you don't know that, if you married her, your +home would be rayless and comfortless; and it would break your +heart at last to find yourself united to one so wholly incapable of +sharing your tastes, feelings, and ideas - so utterly destitute of +sensibility, good feeling, and true nobility of soul.' + +'Have you done?' asked my companion quietly. + +'Yes; - I know you hate me for my impertinence, but I don't care if +it only conduces to preserve you from that fatal mistake.' + +'Well!' returned he, with a rather wintry smile - 'I'm glad you +have overcome or forgotten your own afflictions so far as to be +able to study so deeply the affairs of others, and trouble your +head so unnecessarily about the fancied or possible calamities of +their future life.' + +We parted - somewhat coldly again: but still we did not cease to +be friends; and my well-meant warning, though it might have been +more judiciously delivered, as well as more thankfully received, +was not wholly unproductive of the desired effect: his visit to +the Wilsons was not repeated, and though, in our subsequent +interviews, he never mentioned her name to me, nor I to him, - I +have reason to believe he pondered my words in his mind, eagerly +though covertly sought information respecting the fair lady from +other quarters, secretly compared my character of her with what he +had himself observed and what he heard from others, and finally +came to the conclusion that, all things considered, she had much +better remain Miss Wilson of Ryecote Farm than be transmuted into +Mrs. Lawrence of Woodford Hall. I believe, too, that he soon +learned to contemplate with secret amazement his former +predilection, and to congratulate himself on the lucky escape he +had made; but he never confessed it to me, or hinted one word of +acknowledgment for the part I had had in his deliverance, but this +was not surprising to any one that knew him as I did. + +As for Jane Wilson, she, of course, was disappointed and embittered +by the sudden cold neglect and ultimate desertion of her former +admirer. Had I done wrong to blight her cherished hopes? I think +not; and certainly my conscience has never accused me, from that +day to this, of any evil design in the matter. + + + +CHAPTER XLVII + + + +One morning, about the beginning of November, while I was inditing +some business letters, shortly after breakfast, Eliza Millward came +to call upon my sister. Rose had neither the discrimination nor +the virulence to regard the little demon as I did, and they still +preserved their former intimacy. At the moment of her arrival, +however, there was no one in the room but Fergus and myself, my +mother and sister being both of them absent, 'on household cares +intent'; but I was not going to lay myself out for her amusement, +whoever else might so incline: I merely honoured her with a +careless salutation and a few words of course, and then went on +with my writing, leaving my brother to be more polite if he chose. +But she wanted to tease me. + +'What a pleasure it is to find you at home, Mr. Markham!' said she, +with a disingenuously malicious smile. 'I so seldom see you now, +for you never come to the vicarage. Papa, is quite offended, I can +tell you,' she added playfully, looking into my face with an +impertinent laugh, as she seated herself, half beside and half +before my desk, off the corner of the table. + +'I have had a good deal to do of late,' said I, without looking up +from my letter. + +'Have you, indeed! Somebody said you had been strangely neglecting +your business these last few months.' + +'Somebody said wrong, for, these last two months especially, I have +been particularly plodding and diligent.' + +'Ah! well, there's nothing like active employment, I suppose, to +console the afflicted; - and, excuse me, Mr. Markham, but you look +so very far from well, and have been, by all accounts, so moody and +thoughtful of late, - I could almost think you have some secret +care preying on your spirits. Formerly,' said she timidly, 'I +could have ventured to ask you what it was, and what I could do to +comfort you: I dare not do it now.' + +'You're very kind, Miss Eliza. When I think you can do anything to +comfort me, I'll make bold to tell you.' + +'Pray do! - I suppose I mayn't guess what it is that troubles you?' + +'There's no necessity, for I'll tell you plainly. The thing that +troubles me the most at present is a young lady sitting at my +elbow, and preventing me from finishing my letter, and, thereafter, +repairing to my daily business.' + +Before she could reply to this ungallant speech, Rose entered the +room; and Miss Eliza rising to greet her, they both seated +themselves near the fire, where that idle lad Fergus was standing, +leaning his shoulder against the corner of the chimney-piece, with +his legs crossed and his hands in his breeches-pockets. + +'Now, Rose, I'll tell you a piece of news - I hope you have not +heard it before: for good, bad, or indifferent, one always likes +to be the first to tell. It's about that sad Mrs. Graham - ' + +'Hush-sh-sh!' whispered Fergus, in a tone of solemn import. '"We +never mention her; her name is never heard."' And glancing up, I +caught him with his eye askance on me, and his finger pointed to +his forehead; then, winking at the young lady with a doleful shake +of the head, be whispered - 'A monomania - but don't mention it - +all right but that.' + +'I should be sorry to injure any one's feelings,' returned she, +speaking below her breath. 'Another time, perhaps.' + +'Speak out, Miss Eliza!' said I, not deigning to notice the other's +buffooneries: 'you needn't fear to say anything in my presence.' + +'Well,' answered she, 'perhaps you know already that Mrs. Graham's +husband is not really dead, and that she had run away from him?' I +started, and felt my face glow; but I bent it over my letter, and +went on folding it up as she proceeded. 'But perhaps you did not +know that she is now gone back to him again, and that a perfect +reconciliation has taken place between them? Only think,' she +continued, turning to the confounded Rose, 'what a fool the man +must be!' + +'And who gave you this piece of intelligence, Miss Eliza?' said I, +interrupting my sister's exclamations. + +'I had it from a very authentic source.' + +'From whom, may I ask?' + +'From one of the servants at Woodford.' + +'Oh! I was not aware that you were on such intimate terms with Mr. +Lawrence's household.' + +'It was not from the man himself that I heard it, but he told it in +confidence to our maid Sarah, and Sarah told it to me.' + +'In confidence, I suppose? And you tell it in confidence to us? +But I can tell you that it is but a lame story after all, and +scarcely one-half of it true.' + +While I spoke I completed the sealing and direction of my letters, +with a somewhat unsteady hand, in spite of all my efforts to retain +composure, and in spite of my firm conviction that the story was a +lame one - that the supposed Mrs. Graham, most certainly, had not +voluntarily gone back to her husband, or dreamt of a +reconciliation. Most likely she was gone away, and the tale- +bearing servant, not knowing what was become of her, had +conjectured that such was the case, and our fair visitor had +detailed it as a certainty, delighted with such an opportunity of +tormenting me. But it was possible - barely possible - that some +one might have betrayed her, and she had been taken away by force. +Determined to know the worst, I hastily pocketed my two letters, +and muttered something about being too late for the post, left the +room, rushed into the yard, and vociferously called for my horse. +No one being there, I dragged him out of the stable myself, +strapped the saddle on to his back and the bridle on to his head, +mounted, and speedily galloped away to Woodford. I found its owner +pensively strolling in the grounds. + +'Is your sister gone?' were my first words as I grasped his hand, +instead of the usual inquiry after his health. + +'Yes, she's gone,' was his answer, so calmly spoken that my terror +was at once removed. + +'I suppose I mayn't know where she is?' said I, as I dismounted, +and relinquished my horse to the gardener, who, being the only +servant within call, had been summoned by his master, from his +employment of raking up the dead leaves on the lawn, to take him to +the stables. + +My companion gravely took my arm, and leading me away to the +garden, thus answered my question, - 'She is at Grassdale Manor, in +-shire.' + +'Where?' cried I, with a convulsive start. + +'At Grassdale Manor.' + +'How was it?' I gasped. 'Who betrayed her?' + +'She went of her own accord.' + +'Impossible, Lawrence! She could not be so frantic!' exclaimed I, +vehemently grasping his arm, as if to force him to unsay those +hateful words. + +'She did,' persisted he in the same grave, collected manner as +before; 'and not without reason,' he continued, gently disengaging +himself from my grasp. 'Mr. Huntingdon is ill.' + +'And so she went to nurse him?' + +'Yes.' + +'Fool!' I could not help exclaiming, and Lawrence looked up with a +rather reproachful glance. 'Is he dying, then?' + +'I think not, Markham.' + +'And how many more nurses has he? How many ladies are there +besides to take care of him?' + +'None; he was alone, or she would not have gone.' + +'Oh, confound it! This is intolerable!' + +'What is? That he should be alone?' + +I attempted no reply, for I was not sure that this circumstance did +not partly conduce to my distraction. I therefore continued to +pace the walk in silent anguish, with my hand pressed to my +forehead; then suddenly pausing and turning to my companion, I +impatiently exclaimed, 'Why did she take this infatuated step? +What fiend persuaded her to it?' + +'Nothing persuaded her but her own sense of duty.' + +'Humbug!' + +'I was half inclined to say so myself, Markham, at first. I assure +you it was not by my advice that she went, for I detest that man as +fervently as you can do, - except, indeed, that his reformation +would give me much greater pleasure than his death; but all I did +was to inform her of the circumstance of his illness (the +consequence of a fall from his horse in hunting), and to tell her +that that unhappy person, Miss Myers, had left him some time ago.' + +'It was ill done! Now, when he finds the convenience of her +presence, he will make all manner of lying speeches and false, fair +promises for the future, and she will believe him, and then her +condition will be ten times worse and ten times more irremediable +than before.' + +'There does not appear to be much ground for such apprehensions at +present,' said he, producing a letter from his pocket. 'From the +account I received this morning, I should say - ' + +It was her writing! By an irresistible impulse I held out my hand, +and the words, 'Let me see it,' involuntarily passed my lips. He +was evidently reluctant to grant the request, but while he +hesitated I snatched it from his hand. Recollecting myself, +however, the minute after, I offered to restore it. + +'Here, take it,' said I, 'if you don't want me to read it.' + +'No,' replied he, 'you may read it if you like.' + +I read it, and so may you. + + +Grassdale, Nov. 4th. + +Dear Frederick, - I know you will be anxious to hear from me, and I +will tell you all I can. Mr. Huntingdon is very ill, but not +dying, or in any immediate danger; and he is rather better at +present than he was when I came. I found the house in sad +confusion: Mrs. Greaves, Benson, every decent servant had left, +and those that were come to supply their places were a negligent, +disorderly set, to say no worse - I must change them again, if I +stay. A professional nurse, a grim, hard old woman, had been hired +to attend the wretched invalid. He suffers much, and has no +fortitude to bear him through. The immediate injuries he sustained +from the accident, however, were not very severe, and would, as the +doctor says, have been but trifling to a man of temperate habits, +but with him it is very different. On the night of my arrival, +when I first entered his room, he was lying in a kind of half +delirium. He did not notice me till I spoke, and then he mistook +me for another. + +'Is it you, Alice, come again?' he murmured. 'What did you leave +me for?' + +'It is I, Arthur - it is Helen, your wife,' I replied. + +'My wife!' said he, with a start. 'For heaven's sake, don't +mention her - I have none. Devil take her,' he cried, a moment +after, 'and you, too! What did you do it for?' + +I said no more; but observing that he kept gazing towards the foot +of the bed, I went and sat there, placing the light so as to shine +full upon me, for I thought he might be dying, and I wanted him to +know me. For a long time he lay silently looking upon me, first +with a vacant stare, then with a fixed gaze of strange growing +intensity. At last he startled me by suddenly raising himself on +his elbow and demanding in a horrified whisper, with his eyes still +fixed upon me, 'Who is it?' + +'It is Helen Huntingdon,' said I, quietly rising at the same time, +and removing to a less conspicuous position. + +'I must be going mad,' cried he, 'or something - delirious, +perhaps; but leave me, whoever you are. I can't bear that white +face, and those eyes. For God's sake go, and send me somebody else +that doesn't look like that!' + +I went at once, and sent the hired nurse; but next morning I +ventured to enter his chamber again, and, taking the nurse's place +by his bedside, I watched him and waited on him for several hours, +showing myself as little as possible, and only speaking when +necessary, and then not above my breath. At first he addressed me +as the nurse, but, on my crossing the room to draw up the window- +blinds, in obedience to his directions, he said, 'No, it isn't +nurse; it's Alice. Stay with me, do! That old hag will be the +death of me.' + +'I mean to stay with you,' said I. And after that he would call me +Alice, or some other name almost equally repugnant to my feelings. +I forced myself to endure it for a while, fearing a contradiction +might disturb him too much; but when, having asked for a glass of +water, while I held it to his lips, he murmured, 'Thanks, dearest!' +I could not help distinctly observing, 'You would not say so if you +knew me,' intending to follow that up with another declaration of +my identity; but he merely muttered an incoherent reply, so I +dropped it again, till some time after, when, as I was bathing his +forehead and temples with vinegar and water to relieve the heat and +pain in his head, he observed, after looking earnestly upon me for +some minutes, 'I have such strange fancies - I can't get rid of +them, and they won't let me rest; and the most singular and +pertinacious of them all is your face and voice - they seem just +like hers. I could swear at this moment that she was by my side.' + +'She is,' said I. + +'That seems comfortable,' continued he, without noticing my words; +'and while you do it, the other fancies fade away - but this only +strengthens. - Go on - go on, till it vanishes, too. I can't stand +such a mania as this; it would kill me!' + +'It never will vanish,' said I, distinctly, 'for it is the truth!' + +'The truth!' he cried, starting, as if an asp had stung him. 'You +don't mean to say that you are really she?' + +'I do; but you needn't shrink away from me, as if I were your +greatest enemy: I am come to take care of you, and do what none of +them would do.' + +'For God's sake, don't torment me now!' cried he in pitiable +agitation; and then he began to mutter bitter curses against me, or +the evil fortune that had brought me there; while I put down the +sponge and basin, and resumed my seat at the bed-side. + +'Where are they?' said he: 'have they all left me - servants and +all?' + +'There are servants within call if you want them; but you had +better lie down now and be quiet: none of them could or would +attend you as carefully as I shall do.' + +'I can't understand it at all,' said he, in bewildered perplexity. +'Was it a dream that - ' and he covered his eyes with his hands, as +if trying to unravel the mystery. + +'No, Arthur, it was not a dream, that your conduct was such as to +oblige me to leave you; but I heard that you were ill and alone, +and I am come back to nurse you. You need not fear to trust me +tell me all your wants, and I will try to satisfy them. There is +no one else to care for you; and I shall not upbraid you now.' + +'Oh! I see,' said he, with a bitter smile; 'it's an act of +Christian charity, whereby you hope to gain a higher seat in heaven +for yourself, and scoop a deeper pit in hell for me.' + +'No; I came to offer you that comfort and assistance your situation +required; and if I could benefit your soul as well as your body, +and awaken some sense of contrition and - ' + +'Oh, yes; if you could overwhelm me with remorse and confusion of +face, now's the time. What have you done with my son?' + +'He is well, and you may see him some time, if you will compose +yourself, but not now.' + +'Where is he?' + +'He is safe.' + +'Is he here?' + +'Wherever he is, you will not see him till you have promised to +leave him entirely under my care and protection, and to let me take +him away whenever and wherever I please, if I should hereafter +judge it necessary to remove him again. But we will talk of that +to-morrow: you must be quiet now.' + +'No, let me see him now, I promise, if it must be so.' + +'No - ' + +'I swear it, as God is in heaven! Now, then, let me see him.' + +'But I cannot trust your oaths and promises: I must have a written +agreement, and you must sign it in presence of a witness: but not +to-day - to-morrow.' + +'No, to-day; now,' persisted he: and he was in such a state of +feverish excitement, and so bent upon the immediate gratification +of his wish, that I thought it better to grant it at once, as I saw +he would not rest till I did. But I was determined my son's +interest should not be forgotten; and having clearly written out +the promise I wished Mr. Huntingdon to give upon a slip of paper, I +deliberately read it over to him, and made him sign it in the +presence of Rachel. He begged I would not insist upon this: it +was a useless exposure of my want of faith in his word to the +servant. I told him I was sorry, but since he had forfeited my +confidence, he must take the consequence. He next pleaded +inability to hold the pen. 'Then we must wait until you can hold +it,' said I. Upon which he said he would try; but then he could +not see to write. I placed my finger where the signature was to +be, and told him he might write his name in the dark, if he only +knew where to put it. But he had not power to form the letters. +'In that case, you must be too ill to see the child,' said I; and +finding me inexorable, he at length managed to ratify the +agreement; and I bade Rachel send the boy. + +All this may strike you as harsh, but I felt I must not lose my +present advantage, and my son's future welfare should not be +sacrificed to any mistaken tenderness for this man's feelings. +Little Arthur had not forgotten his father, but thirteen months of +absence, during which he had seldom been permitted to hear a word +about him, or hardly to whisper his name, had rendered him somewhat +shy; and when he was ushered into the darkened room where the sick +man lay, so altered from his former self, with fiercely flushed +face and wildly-gleaming eyes - he instinctively clung to me, and +stood looking on his father with a countenance expressive of far +more awe than pleasure. + +'Come here, Arthur,' said the latter, extending his hand towards +him. The child went, and timidly touched that burning hand, but +almost started in alarm, when his father suddenly clutched his arm +and drew him nearer to his side. + +'Do you know me?' asked Mr. Huntingdon, intently perusing his +features. + +'Yes.' + +'Who am I?' + +'Papa.' + +'Are you glad to see me?' + +'Yes.' + +'You're not!' replied the disappointed parent, relaxing his hold, +and darting a vindictive glance at me. + +Arthur, thus released, crept back to me and put his hand in mine. +His father swore I had made the child hate him, and abused and +cursed me bitterly. The instant he began I sent our son out of the +room; and when he paused to breathe, I calmly assured him that he +was entirely mistaken; I had never once attempted to prejudice his +child against him. + +'I did indeed desire him to forget you,' I said, 'and especially to +forget the lessons you taught him; and for that cause, and to +lessen the danger of discovery, I own I have generally discouraged +his inclination to talk about you; but no one can blame me for +that, I think.' + +The invalid only replied by groaning aloud, and rolling his head on +a pillow in a paroxysm of impatience. + +'I am in hell, already!' cried he. 'This cursed thirst is burning +my heart to ashes! Will nobody -?' + +Before he could finish the sentence I had poured out a glass of +some acidulated, cooling drink that was on the table, and brought +it to him. He drank it greedily, but muttered, as I took away the +glass, - 'I suppose you're heaping coals of fire on my head, you +think?' + +Not noticing this speech, I asked if there was anything else I +could do for him. + +'Yes; I'll give you another opportunity of showing your Christian +magnanimity,' sneered he: 'set my pillow straight, and these +confounded bed-clothes.' I did so. 'There: now get me another +glass of that slop.' I complied. 'This is delightful, isn't it?' +said he with a malicious grin, as I held it to his lips; 'you never +hoped for such a glorious opportunity?' + +'Now, shall I stay with you?' said I, as I replaced the glass on +the table: 'or will you be more quiet if I go and send the nurse?' + +'Oh, yes, you're wondrous gentle and obliging! But you've driven +me mad with it all!' responded he, with an impatient toss. + +'I'll leave you, then,' said I; and I withdrew, and did not trouble +him with my presence again that day, except for a minute or two at +a time, just to see how he was and what he wanted. + +Next morning the doctor ordered him to be bled; and after that he +was more subdued and tranquil. I passed half the day in his room +at different intervals. My presence did not appear to agitate or +irritate him as before, and he accepted my services quietly, +without any bitter remarks: indeed, he scarcely spoke at all, +except to make known his wants, and hardly then. But on the +morrow, that is to say, in proportion as he recovered from the +state of exhaustion and stupefaction, his ill-nature appeared to +revive. + +'Oh, this sweet revenge!' cried he, when I had been doing all I +could to make him comfortable and to remedy the carelessness of his +nurse. 'And you can enjoy it with such a quiet conscience too, +because it's all in the way of duty.' + +'It is well for me that I am doing my duty,' said I, with a +bitterness I could not repress, 'for it is the only comfort I have; +and the satisfaction of my own conscience, it seems, is the only +reward I need look for!' + +He looked rather surprised at the earnestness of my manner. + +'What reward did you look for?' he asked. + +'You will think me a liar if I tell you; but I did hope to benefit +you: as well to better your mind as to alleviate your present +sufferings; but it appears I am to do neither; your own bad spirit +will not let me. As far as you are concerned, I have sacrificed my +own feelings, and all the little earthly comfort that was left me, +to no purpose; and every little thing I do for you is ascribed to +self-righteous malice and refined revenge!' + +'It's all very fine, I daresay,' said he, eyeing me with stupid +amazement; 'and of course I ought to be melted to tears of +penitence and admiration at the sight of so much generosity and +superhuman goodness; but you see I can't manage it. However, pray +do me all the good you can, if you do really find any pleasure in +it; for you perceive I am almost as miserable just now as you need +wish to see me. Since you came, I confess, I have had better +attendance than before, for these wretches neglected me shamefully, +and all my old friends seem to have fairly forsaken me. I've had a +dreadful time of it, I assure you: I sometimes thought I should +have died: do you think there's any chance?' + +'There's always a chance of death; and it is always well to live +with such a chance in view.' + +'Yes, yes! but do you think there's any likelihood that this +illness will have a fatal termination?' + +'I cannot tell; but, supposing it should, how are you prepared to +meet the event?' + +'Why, the doctor told me I wasn't to think about it, for I was sure +to get better if I stuck to his regimen and prescriptions.' + +'I hope you may, Arthur; but neither the doctor nor I can speak +with certainty in such a case; there is internal injury, and it is +difficult to know to what extent.' + +'There now! you want to scare me to death.' + +'No; but I don't want to lull you to false security. If a +consciousness of the uncertainty of life can dispose you to serious +and useful thoughts, I would not deprive you of the benefit of such +reflections, whether you do eventually recover or not. Does the +idea of death appal you very much?' + +'It's just the only thing I can't bear to think of; so if you've +any - ' + +'But it must come some time,' interrupted I, 'and if it be years +hence, it will as certainly overtake you as if it came to-day, - +and no doubt be as unwelcome then as now, unless you - ' + +'Oh, hang it! don't torment me with your preachments now, unless +you want to kill me outright. I can't stand it, I tell you. I've +sufferings enough without that. If you think there's danger, save +me from it; and then, in gratitude, I'll hear whatever you like to +say.' + +I accordingly dropped the unwelcome topic. And now, Frederick, I +think I may bring my letter to a close. From these details you may +form your own judgment of the state of my patient, and of my own +position and future prospects. Let me hear from you soon, and I +will write again to tell you how we get on; but now that my +presence is tolerated, and even required, in the sick-room, I shall +have but little time to spare between my husband and my son, - for +I must not entirely neglect the latter: it would not do to keep +him always with Rachel, and I dare not leave him for a moment with +any of the other servants, or suffer him to be alone, lest he +should meet them. If his father get worse, I shall ask Esther +Hargrave to take charge of him for a time, till I have reorganised +the household at least; but I greatly prefer keeping him under my +own eye. + +I find myself in rather a singular position: I am exerting my +utmost endeavours to promote the recovery and reformation of my +husband, and if I succeed, what shall I do? My duty, of course, - +but how? No matter; I can perform the task that is before me now, +and God will give me strength to do whatever He requires hereafter. +Good-by, dear Frederick. + +HELEN HUNTINGDON. + + +'What do you think of it?' said Lawrence, as I silently refolded +the letter. + +'It seems to me,' returned I, 'that she is casting her pearls +before swine. May they be satisfied with trampling them under +their feet, and not turn again and rend her! But I shall say no +more against her: I see that she was actuated by the best and +noblest motives in what she has done; and if the act is not a wise +one, may heaven protect her from its consequences! May I keep this +letter, Lawrence? - you see she has never once mentioned me +throughout - or made the most distant allusion to me; therefore, +there can be no impropriety or harm in it.' + +'And, therefore, why should you wish to keep it?' + +'Were not these characters written by her hand? and were not these +words conceived in her mind, and many of them spoken by her lips?' + +'Well,' said he. And so I kept it; otherwise, Halford, you could +never have become so thoroughly acquainted with its contents. + +'And when you write,' said I, 'will you have the goodness to ask +her if I may be permitted to enlighten my mother and sister on her +real history and circumstance, just so far as is necessary to make +the neighbourhood sensible of the shameful injustice they have done +her? I want no tender messages, but just ask her that, and tell +her it is the greatest favour she could do me; and tell her - no, +nothing more. You see I know the address, and I might write to her +myself, but I am so virtuous as to refrain.' + +'Well, I'll do this for you, Markham.' + +'And as soon as you receive an answer, you'll let me know?' + +'If all be well, I'll come myself and tell you immediately.' + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII + + + +Five or six days after this Mr. Lawrence paid us the honour of a +call; and when he and I were alone together - which I contrived as +soon as possible by bringing him out to look at my cornstacks - he +showed me another letter from his sister. This one he was quite +willing to submit to my longing gaze; he thought, I suppose, it +would do me good. The only answer it gave to my message was this:- + +'Mr. Markham is at liberty to make such revelations concerning me +as he judges necessary. He will know that I should wish but little +to be said on the subject. I hope he is well; but tell him he must +not think of me.' + +I can give you a few extracts from the rest of the letter, for I +was permitted to keep this also - perhaps, as an antidote to all +pernicious hopes and fancies. + +* * * * * + +He is decidedly better, but very low from the depressing effects of +his severe illness and the strict regimen he is obliged to observe +- so opposite to all his previous habits. It is deplorable to see +how completely his past life has degenerated his once noble +constitution, and vitiated the whole system of his organization. +But the doctor says he may now be considered out of danger, if he +will only continue to observe the necessary restrictions. Some +stimulating cordials he must have, but they should be judiciously +diluted and sparingly used; and I find it very difficult to keep +him to this. At first, his extreme dread of death rendered the +task an easy one; but in proportion as he feels his acute suffering +abating, and sees the danger receding, the more intractable he +becomes. Now, also, his appetite for food is beginning to return; +and here, too, his long habits of self-indulgence are greatly +against him. I watch and restrain him as well as I can, and often +get bitterly abused for my rigid severity; and sometimes he +contrives to elude my vigilance, and sometimes acts in opposition +to my will. But he is now so completely reconciled to my +attendance in general that he is never satisfied when I am not by +his side. I am obliged to be a little stiff with him sometimes, or +he would make a complete slave of me; and I know it would be +unpardonable weakness to give up all other interests for him. I +have the servants to overlook, and my little Arthur to attend to, - +and my own health too, all of which would be entirely neglected +were I to satisfy his exorbitant demands. I do not generally sit +up at night, for I think the nurse who has made it her business is +better qualified for such undertakings than I am; - but still, an +unbroken night's rest is what I but seldom enjoy, and never can +venture to reckon upon; for my patient makes no scruple of calling +me up at an hour when his wants or his fancies require my presence. +But he is manifestly afraid of my displeasure; and if at one time +he tries my patience by his unreasonable exactions, and fretful +complaints and reproaches, at another he depresses me by his abject +submission and deprecatory self-abasement when he fears he has gone +too far. But all this I can readily pardon; I know it is chiefly +the result of his enfeebled frame and disordered nerves. What +annoys me the most, is his occasional attempts at affectionate +fondness that I can neither credit nor return; not that I hate him: +his sufferings and my own laborious care have given him some claim +to my regard - to my affection even, if he would only be quiet and +sincere, and content to let things remain as they are; but the more +he tries to conciliate me, the more I shrink from him and from the +future. + +'Helen, what do you mean to do when I get well?' he asked this +morning. 'Will you run away again?' + +'It entirely depends upon your own conduct.' + +'Oh, I'll be very good.' + +'But if I find it necessary to leave you, Arthur, I shall not "run +away": you know I have your own promise that I may go whenever I +please, and take my son with me.' + +'Oh, but you shall have no cause.' And then followed a variety of +professions, which I rather coldly checked. + +'Will you not forgive me, then?' said he. + +'Yes, - I have forgiven you: but I know you cannot love me as you +once did - and I should be very sorry if you were to, for I could +not pretend to return it: so let us drop the subject, and never +recur to it again. By what I have done for you, you may judge of +what I will do - if it be not incompatible with the higher duty I +owe to my son (higher, because he never forfeited his claims, and +because I hope to do more good to him than I can ever do to you); +and if you wish me to feel kindly towards you, it is deeds not +words which must purchase my affection and esteem.' + +His sole reply to this was a slight grimace, and a scarcely +perceptible shrug. Alas, unhappy man! words, with him, are so much +cheaper than deeds; it was as if I had said, 'Pounds, not pence, +must buy the article you want.' And then he sighed a querulous, +self-commiserating sigh, as if in pure regret that he, the loved +and courted of so many worshippers, should be now abandoned to the +mercy of a harsh, exacting, cold-hearted woman like that, and even +glad of what kindness she chose to bestow. + +'It's a pity, isn't it?' said I; and whether I rightly divined his +musings or not, the observation chimed in with his thoughts, for he +answered - 'It can't be helped,' with a rueful smile at my +penetration. + +* * * * * + +I have I seen Esther Hargrave twice. She is a charming creature, +but her blithe spirit is almost broken, and her sweet temper almost +spoiled, by the still unremitting persecutions of her mother in +behalf of her rejected suitor - not violent, but wearisome and +unremitting like a continual dropping. The unnatural parent seems +determined to make her daughter's life a burden, if she will not +yield to her desires. + +'Mamma does all she can,' said she, 'to make me feel myself a +burden and incumbrance to the family, and the most ungrateful, +selfish, and undutiful daughter that ever was born; and Walter, +too, is as stern and cold and haughty as if he hated me outright. +I believe I should have yielded at once if I had known, from the +beginning, how much resistance would have cost me; but now, for +very obstinacy's sake, I will stand out!' + +'A bad motive for a good resolve,' I answered. 'But, however, I +know you have better motives, really, for your perseverance: and I +counsel you to keep them still in view.' + +'Trust me I will. I threaten mamma sometimes that I'll run away, +and disgrace the family by earning my own livelihood, if she +torments me any more; and then that frightens her a little. But I +will do it, in good earnest, if they don't mind.' + +'Be quiet and patient a while,' said I, 'and better times will +come.' + +Poor girl! I wish somebody that was worthy to possess her would +come and take her away - don't you, Frederick? + +* * * * * + +If the perusal of this letter filled me with dismay for Helen's +future life and mine, there was one great source of consolation: +it was now in my power to clear her name from every foul aspersion. +The Millwards and the Wilsons should see with their own eyes the +bright sun bursting from the cloud - and they should be scorched +and dazzled by its beams; - and my own friends too should see it - +they whose suspicions had been such gall and wormwood to my soul. +To effect this I had only to drop the seed into the ground, and it +would soon become a stately, branching herb: a few words to my +mother and sister, I knew, would suffice to spread the news +throughout the whole neighbourhood, without any further exertion on +my part. + +Rose was delighted; and as soon as I had told her all I thought +proper - which was all I affected to know - she flew with alacrity +to put on her bonnet and shawl, and hasten to carry the glad +tidings to the Millwards and Wilsons - glad tidings, I suspect, to +none but herself and Mary Millward - that steady, sensible girl, +whose sterling worth had been so quickly perceived and duly valued +by the supposed Mrs. Graham, in spite of her plain outside; and +who, on her part, had been better able to see and appreciate that +lady's true character and qualities than the brightest genius among +them. + +As I may never have occasion to mention her again, I may as well +tell you here that she was at this time privately engaged to +Richard Wilson - a secret, I believe, to every one but themselves. +That worthy student was now at Cambridge, where his most exemplary +conduct and his diligent perseverance in the pursuit of learning +carried him safely through, and eventually brought him with hard- +earned honours, and an untarnished reputation, to the close of his +collegiate career. In due time he became Mr. Millward's first and +only curate - for that gentleman's declining years forced him at +last to acknowledge that the duties of his extensive parish were a +little too much for those vaunted energies which he was wont to +boast over his younger and less active brethren of the cloth. This +was what the patient, faithful lovers had privately planned and +quietly waited for years ago; and in due time they were united, to +the astonishment of the little world they lived in, that had long +since declared them both born to single blessedness; affirming it +impossible that the pale, retiring bookworm should ever summon +courage to seek a wife, or be able to obtain one if he did, and +equally impossible that the plain-looking, plain-dealing, +unattractive, unconciliating Miss Millward should ever find a +husband. + +They still continued to live at the vicarage, the lady dividing her +time between her father, her husband, and their poor parishioners, +- and subsequently her rising family; and now that the Reverend +Michael Millward has been gathered to his fathers, full of years +and honours, the Reverend Richard Wilson has succeeded him to the +vicarage of Linden-hope, greatly to the satisfaction of its +inhabitants, who had so long tried and fully proved his merits, and +those of his excellent and well-loved partner. + +If you are interested in the after fate of that lady's sister, I +can only tell you - what perhaps you have heard from another +quarter - that some twelve or thirteen years ago she relieved the +happy couple of her presence by marrying a wealthy tradesman of L-; +and I don't envy him his bargain. I fear she leads him a rather +uncomfortable life, though, happily, he is too dull to perceive the +extent of his misfortune. I have little enough to do with her +myself: we have not met for many years; but, I am well assured, +she has not yet forgotten or forgiven either her former lover, or +the lady whose superior qualities first opened his eyes to the +folly of his boyish attachment. + +As for Richard Wilson's sister, she, having been wholly unable to +recapture Mr. Lawrence, or obtain any partner rich and elegant +enough to suit her ideas of what the husband of Jane Wilson ought +to be, is yet in single blessedness. Shortly after the death of +her mother she withdrew the light of her presence from Ryecote +Farm, finding it impossible any longer to endure the rough manners +and unsophisticated habits of her honest brother Robert and his +worthy wife, or the idea of being identified with such vulgar +people in the eyes of the world, and took lodgings in - the county +town, where she lived, and still lives, I suppose, in a kind of +close-fisted, cold, uncomfortable gentility, doing no good to +others, and but little to herself; spending her days in fancy-work +and scandal; referring frequently to her 'brother the vicar,' and +her 'sister, the vicar's lady,' but never to her brother the farmer +and her sister the farmer's wife; seeing as much company as she can +without too much expense, but loving no one and beloved by none - +a cold-hearted, supercilious, keenly, insidiously censorious old +maid. + + + +CHAPTER XLIX + + + +Though Mr. Lawrence's health was now quite re-established, my +visits to Woodford were as unremitting as ever; though often less +protracted than before. We seldom talked about Mrs. Huntingdon; +but yet we never met without mentioning her, for I never sought his +company but with the hope of hearing something about her, and he +never sought mine at all, because he saw me often enough without. +But I always began to talk of other things, and waited first to see +if he would introduce the subject. If he did not, I would casually +ask, 'Have you heard from your sister lately?' If he said 'No,' +the matter was dropped: if he said 'Yes,' I would venture to +inquire, 'How is she?' but never 'How is her husband?' though I +might be burning to know; because I had not the hypocrisy to +profess any anxiety for his recovery, and I had not the face to +express any desire for a contrary result. Had I any such desire? - +I fear I must plead guilty; but since you have heard my confession, +you must hear my justification as well - a few of the excuses, at +least, wherewith I sought to pacify my own accusing conscience. + +In the first place, you see, his life did harm to others, and +evidently no good to himself; and though I wished it to terminate, +I would not have hastened its close if, by the lifting of a finger, +I could have done so, or if a spirit had whispered in my ear that a +single effort of the will would be enough, - unless, indeed, I had +the power to exchange him for some other victim of the grave, whose +life might be of service to his race, and whose death would be +lamented by his friends. But was there any harm in wishing that, +among the many thousands whose souls would certainly be required of +them before the year was over, this wretched mortal might be one? +I thought not; and therefore I wished with all my heart that it +might please heaven to remove him to a better world, or if that +might not be, still to take him out of this; for if he were unfit +to answer the summons now, after a warning sickness, and with such +an angel by his side, it seemed but too certain that he never would +be - that, on the contrary, returning health would bring returning +lust and villainy, and as he grew more certain of recovery, more +accustomed to her generous goodness, his feelings would become more +callous, his heart more flinty and impervious to her persuasive +arguments - but God knew best. Meantime, however, I could not but +be anxious for the result of His decrees; knowing, as I did, that +(leaving myself entirely out of the question), however Helen might +feel interested in her husband's welfare, however she might deplore +his fate, still while he lived she must be miserable. + +A fortnight passed away, and my inquiries were always answered in +the negative. At length a welcome 'yes' drew from me the second +question. Lawrence divined my anxious thoughts, and appreciated my +reserve. I feared, at first, he was going to torture me by +unsatisfactory replies, and either leave me quite in the dark +concerning what I wanted to know, or force me to drag the +information out of him, morsel by morsel, by direct inquiries. +'And serve you right,' you will say; but he was more merciful; and +in a little while he put his sister's letter into my hand. I +silently read it, and restored it to him without comment or remark. +This mode of procedure suited him so well, that thereafter he +always pursued the plan of showing me her letters at once, when +'inquired' after her, if there were any to show - it was so much +less trouble than to tell me their contents; and I received such +confidences so quietly and discreetly that he was never induced to +discontinue them. + +But I devoured those precious letters with my eyes, and never let +them go till their contents were stamped upon my mind; and when I +got home, the most important passages were entered in my diary +among the remarkable events of the day. + +The first of these communications brought intelligence of a serious +relapse in Mr. Huntingdon's illness, entirely the result of his own +infatuation in persisting in the indulgence of his appetite for +stimulating drink. In vain had she remonstrated, in vain she had +mingled his wine with water: her arguments and entreaties were a +nuisance, her interference was an insult so intolerable that, at +length, on finding she had covertly diluted the pale port that was +brought him, he threw the bottle out of window, swearing he would +not be cheated like a baby, ordered the butler, on pain of instant +dismissal, to bring a bottle of the strongest wine in the cellar, +and affirming that he should have been well long ago if he had been +let to have his own way, but she wanted to keep him weak in order +that she might have him under her thumb - but, by the Lord Harry, +he would have no more humbug - seized a glass in one hand and the +bottle in the other, and never rested till he had drunk it dry. +Alarming symptoms were the immediate result of this 'imprudence,' +as she mildly termed it - symptoms which had rather increased than +diminished since; and this was the cause of her delay in writing to +her brother. Every former feature of his malady had returned with +augmented virulence: the slight external wound, half healed, had +broken out afresh; internal inflammation had taken place, which +might terminate fatally if not soon removed. Of course, the +wretched sufferer's temper was not improved by this calamity - in +fact, I suspect it was well nigh insupportable, though his kind +nurse did not complain; but she said she had been obliged at last +to give her son in charge to Esther Hargrave, as her presence was +so constantly required in the sick-room that she could not possibly +attend to him herself; and though the child had begged to be +allowed to continue with her there, and to help her to nurse his +papa, and though she had no doubt he would have been very good and +quiet, she could not think of subjecting his young and tender +feelings to the sight of so much suffering, or of allowing him to +witness his father's impatience, or hear the dreadful language he +was wont to use in his paroxysms of pain or irritation. + +The latter (continued she) most deeply regrets the step that has +occasioned his relapse; but, as usual, he throws the blame upon me. +If I had reasoned with him like a rational creature, he says, it +never would have happened; but to be treated like a baby or a fool +was enough to put any man past his patience, and drive him to +assert his independence even at the sacrifice of his own interest. +He forgets how often I had reasoned him 'past his patience' before. +He appears to be sensible of his danger; but nothing can induce him +to behold it in the proper light. The other night, while I was +waiting on him, and just as I had brought him a draught to assuage +his burning thirst, he observed, with a return of his former +sarcastic bitterness, 'Yes, you're mighty attentive now! I suppose +there's nothing you wouldn't do for me now?' + +'You know,' said I, a little surprised at his manner, 'that I am +willing to do anything I can to relieve you.' + +'Yes, now, my immaculate angel; but when once you have secured your +reward, and find yourself safe in heaven, and me howling in hell- +fire, catch you lifting a finger to serve me then! No, you'll look +complacently on, and not so much as dip the tip of your finger in +water to cool my tongue!' + +'If so, it will be because of the great gulf over which I cannot +pass; and if I could look complacently on in such a case, it would +be only from the assurance that you were being purified from your +sins, and fitted to enjoy the happiness I felt. - But are you +determined, Arthur, that I shall not meet you in heaven?' + +'Humph! What should I do there, I should like to know?' + +'Indeed, I cannot tell; and I fear it is too certain that your +tastes and feelings must be widely altered before you can have any +enjoyment there. But do you prefer sinking, without an effort, +into the state of torment you picture to yourself?' + +'Oh, it's all a fable,' said he, contemptuously. + +'Are you sure, Arthur? are you quite sure? Because, if there is +any doubt, and if you should find yourself mistaken after all, when +it is too late to turn - ' + +'It would be rather awkward, to be sure,' said he; 'but don't +bother me now - I'm not going to die yet. I can't and won't,' he +added vehemently, as if suddenly struck with the appalling aspect +of that terrible event. 'Helen, you must save me!' And he +earnestly seized my hand, and looked into my face with such +imploring eagerness that my heart bled for him, and I could not +speak for tears. + +* * * * * + +The next letter brought intelligence that the malady was fast +increasing; and the poor sufferer's horror of death was still more +distressing than his impatience of bodily pain. All his friends +had not forsaken him; for Mr. Hattersley, hearing of his danger, +had come to see him from his distant home in the north. His wife +had accompanied him, as much for the pleasure of seeing her dear +friend, from whom she had been parted so long, as to visit her +mother and sister. + +Mrs. Huntingdon expressed herself glad to see Milicent once more, +and pleased to behold her so happy and well. She is now at the +Grove, continued the letter, but she often calls to see me. Mr. +Hattersley spends much of his time at Arthur's bed-side. With more +good feeling than I gave him credit for, he evinces considerable +sympathy for his unhappy friend, and is far more willing than able +to comfort him. Sometimes he tries to joke and laugh with him, but +that will not do; sometimes he endeavours to cheer him with talk +about old times, and this at one time may serve to divert the +sufferer from his own sad thoughts; at another, it will only plunge +him into deeper melancholy than before; and then Hattersley is +confounded, and knows not what to say, unless it be a timid +suggestion that the clergyman might be sent for. But Arthur will +never consent to that: he knows he has rejected the clergyman's +well-meant admonitions with scoffing levity at other times, and +cannot dream of turning to him for consolation now. + +Mr. Hattersley sometimes offers his services instead of mine, but +Arthur will not let me go: that strange whim still increases, as +his strength declines - the fancy to have me always by his side. I +hardly ever leave him, except to go into the next room, where I +sometimes snatch an hour or so of sleep when he is quiet; but even +then the door is left ajar, that he may know me to be within call. +I am with him now, while I write, and I fear my occupation annoys +him; though I frequently break off to attend to him, and though Mr. +Hattersley is also by his side. That gentleman came, as he said, +to beg a holiday for me, that I might have a run in the park, this +fine frosty morning, with Milicent and Esther and little Arthur, +whom he had driven over to see me. Our poor invalid evidently felt +it a heartless proposition, and would have felt it still more +heartless in me to accede to it. I therefore said I would only go +and speak to them a minute, and then come back. I did but exchange +a few words with them, just outside the portico, inhaling the +fresh, bracing air as I stood, and then, resisting the earnest and +eloquent entreaties of all three to stay a little longer, and join +them in a walk round the garden, I tore myself away and returned to +my patient. I had not been absent five minutes, but he reproached +me bitterly for my levity and neglect. His friend espoused my +cause. + +'Nay, nay, Huntingdon,' said he, 'you're too hard upon her; she +must have food and sleep, and a mouthful of fresh air now and then, +or she can't stand it, I tell you. Look at her, man! she's worn to +a shadow already.' + +'What are her sufferings to mine?' said the poor invalid. 'You +don't grudge me these attentions, do you, Helen?' + +'No, Arthur, if I could really serve you by them. I would give my +life to save you, if I might.' + +'Would you, indeed? No!' + +'Most willingly I would.' + +'Ah! that's because you think yourself more fit to die!' + +There was a painful pause. He was evidently plunged in gloomy +reflections; but while I pondered for something to say that might +benefit without alarming him, Hattersley, whose mind had been +pursuing almost the same course, broke silence with, 'I say, +Huntingdon, I would send for a parson of some sort: if you didn't +like the vicar, you know, you could have his curate, or somebody +else.' + +'No; none of them can benefit me if she can't,' was the answer. +And the tears gushed from his eyes as he earnestly exclaimed, 'Oh, +Helen, if I had listened to you, it never would have come to this! +and if I had heard you long ago - oh, God! how different it would +have been!' + +'Hear me now, then, Arthur,' said I, gently pressing his hand. + +'It's too late now,' said he despondingly. And after that another +paroxysm of pain came on; and then his mind began to wander, and we +feared his death was approaching: but an opiate was administered: +his sufferings began to abate, he gradually became more composed, +and at length sank into a kind of slumber. He has been quieter +since; and now Hattersley has left him, expressing a hope that he +shall find him better when he calls to-morrow. + +'Perhaps I may recover,' he replied; 'who knows? This may have +been the crisis. What do you think, Helen?' Unwilling to depress +him, I gave the most cheering answer I could, but still recommended +him to prepare for the possibility of what I inly feared was but +too certain. But he was determined to hope. Shortly after he +relapsed into a kind of doze, but now he groans again. + +There is a change. Suddenly he called me to his side, with such a +strange, excited manner, that I feared he was delirious, but he was +not. 'That was the crisis, Helen!' said he, delightedly. 'I had +an infernal pain here - it is quite gone now. I never was so easy +since the fall - quite gone, by heaven!' and he clasped and kissed +my hand in the very fulness of his heart; but finding I did not +participate his joy, he quickly flung it from him, and bitterly +cursed my coldness and insensibility. How could I reply? Kneeling +beside him, I took his hand and fondly pressed it to my lips - for +the first time since our separation - and told him, as well as +tears would let me speak, that it was not that that kept me silent: +it was the fear that this sudden cessation of pain was not so +favourable a symptom as he supposed. I immediately sent for the +doctor: we are now anxiously awaiting him. I will tell you what +he says. There is still the same freedom from pain, the same +deadness to all sensation where the suffering was most acute. + +My worst fears are realised: mortification has commenced. The +doctor has told him there is no hope. No words can describe his +anguish. I can write no more. + +* * * * * + +The next was still more distressing in the tenor of its contents. +The sufferer was fast approaching dissolution - dragged almost to +the verge of that awful chasm he trembled to contemplate, from +which no agony of prayers or tears could save him. Nothing could +comfort him now; Hattersley's rough attempts at consolation were +utterly in vain. The world was nothing to him: life and all its +interests, its petty cares and transient pleasures, were a cruel +mockery. To talk of the past was to torture him with vain remorse; +to refer to the future was to increase his anguish; and yet to be +silent was to leave him a prey to his own regrets and +apprehensions. Often he dwelt with shuddering minuteness on the +fate of his perishing clay - the slow, piecemeal dissolution +already invading his frame: the shroud, the coffin, the dark, +lonely grave, and all the horrors of corruption. + +'If I try,' said his afflicted wife, 'to divert him from these +things - to raise his thoughts to higher themes, it is no better:- +"Worse and worse!" he groans. "If there be really life beyond the +tomb, and judgment after death, how can I face it?" - I cannot do +him any good; he will neither be enlightened, nor roused, nor +comforted by anything I say; and yet he clings to me with +unrelenting pertinacity - with a kind of childish desperation, as +if I could save him from the fate he dreads. He keeps me night and +day beside him. He is holding my left hand now, while I write; he +has held it thus for hours: sometimes quietly, with his pale face +upturned to mine: sometimes clutching my arm with violence - the +big drops starting from his forehead at the thoughts of what he +sees, or thinks he sees, before him. If I withdraw my hand for a +moment it distresses him. + +'"Stay with me, Helen," he says; "let me hold you so: it seems as +if harm could not reach me while you are here. But death will come +- it is coming now - fast, fast! - and - oh, if I could believe +there was nothing after!" + +'"Don't try to believe it, Arthur; there is joy and glory after, if +you will but try to reach it!" + +'"What, for me?" he said, with something like a laugh. "Are we not +to be judged according to the deeds done in the body? Where's the +use of a probationary existence, if a man may spend it as he +pleases, just contrary to God's decrees, and then go to heaven with +the best - if the vilest sinner may win the reward of the holiest +saint, by merely saying, "I repent!"' + +'"But if you sincerely repent - " + +'"I can't repent; I only fear." + +'"You only regret the past for its consequences to yourself?" + +'"Just so - except that I'm sorry to have wronged you, Nell, +because you're so good to me." + +'"Think of the goodness of God, and you cannot but be grieved to +have offended Him." + +'"What is God? - I cannot see Him or hear Him. - God is only an +idea." + +'"God is Infinite Wisdom, and Power, and Goodness - and LOVE; but +if this idea is too vast for your human faculties - if your mind +loses itself in its overwhelming infinitude, fix it on Him who +condescended to take our nature upon Him, who was raised to heaven +even in His glorified human body, in whom the fulness of the +Godhead shines." + +'But he only shook his head and sighed. Then, in another paroxysm +of shuddering horror, he tightened his grasp on my hand and arm, +and, groaning and lamenting, still clung to me with that wild, +desperate earnestness so harrowing to my soul, because I know I +cannot help him. I did my best to soothe and comfort him. + +'"Death is so terrible," he cried, "I cannot bear it! You don't +know, Helen - you can't imagine what it is, because you haven't it +before you! and when I'm buried, you'll return to your old ways and +be as happy as ever, and all the world will go on just as busy and +merry as if I had never been; while I - " He burst into tears. + +'"You needn't let that distress you," I said; "we shall all follow +you soon enough." + +'"I wish to God I could take you with me now!" he exclaimed: "you +should plead for me." + +'"No man can deliver his brother, nor make agreement unto God for +him," I replied: "it cost more to redeem their souls - it cost the +blood of an incarnate God, perfect and sinless in Himself, to +redeem us from the bondage of the evil one:- let Him plead for +you." + +'But I seem to speak in vain. He does not now, as formerly, laugh +these blessed truths to scorn: but still he cannot trust, or will +not comprehend them. He cannot linger long. He suffers +dreadfully, and so do those that wait upon him. But I will not +harass you with further details: I have said enough, I think, to +convince you that I did well to go to him.' + +* * * * * + +Poor, poor Helen! dreadful indeed her trials must have been! And I +could do nothing to lessen them - nay, it almost seemed as if I had +brought them upon her myself by my own secret desires; and whether +I looked at her husband's sufferings or her own, it seemed almost +like a judgment upon myself for having cherished such a wish. + +The next day but one there came another letter. That too was put +into my hands without a remark, and these are its contents:- + + +Dec. 5th. + +He is gone at last. I sat beside him all night, with my hand fast +looked in his, watching the changes of his features and listening +to his failing breath. He had been silent a long time, and I +thought he would never speak again, when he murmured, faintly but +distinctly, - 'Pray for me, Helen!' + +'I do pray for you, every hour and every minute, Arthur; but you +must pray for yourself.' + +His lips moved, but emitted no sound; - then his looks became +unsettled; and, from the incoherent, half-uttered words that +escaped him from time to time, supposing him to be now unconscious, +I gently disengaged my hand from his, intending to steal away for a +breath of air, for I was almost ready to faint; but a convulsive +movement of the fingers, and a faintly whispered 'Don't leave me!' +immediately recalled me: I took his hand again, and held it till +he was no more - and then I fainted. It was not grief; it was +exhaustion, that, till then, I had been enabled successfully to +combat. Oh, Frederick! none can imagine the miseries, bodily and +mental, of that death-bed! How could I endure to think that that +poor trembling soul was hurried away to everlasting torment? it +would drive me mad. But, thank God, I have hope - not only from a +vague dependence on the possibility that penitence and pardon might +have reached him at the last, but from the blessed confidence that, +through whatever purging fires the erring spirit may be doomed to +pass - whatever fate awaits it - still it is not lost, and God, who +hateth nothing that He hath made, will bless it in the end! + +His body will be consigned on Thursday to that dark grave he so +much dreaded; but the coffin must be closed as soon as possible. +If you will attend the funeral, come quickly, for I need help. + +HELEN HUNTINGDON. + + + +CHAPTER L + + + +On reading this I had no reason to disguise my joy and hope from +Frederick Lawrence, for I had none to be ashamed of. I felt no joy +but that his sister was at length released from her afflictive, +overwhelming toil - no hope but that she would in time recover from +the effects of it, and be suffered to rest in peace and quietness, +at least, for the remainder of her life. I experienced a painful +commiseration for her unhappy husband (though fully aware that he +had brought every particle of his sufferings upon himself, and but +too well deserved them all), and a profound sympathy for her own +afflictions, and deep anxiety for the consequences of those +harassing cares, those dreadful vigils, that incessant and +deleterious confinement beside a living corpse - for I was +persuaded she had not hinted half the sufferings she had had to +endure. + +'You will go to her, Lawrence?' said I, as I put the letter into +his hand. + +'Yes, immediately.' + +'That's right! I'll leave you, then, to prepare for your +departure.' + +'I've done that already, while you were reading the letter, and +before you came; and the carriage is now coming round to the door.' + +Inly approving his promptitude, I bade him good-morning, and +withdrew. He gave me a searching glance as we pressed each other's +hands at parting; but whatever he sought in my countenance, he saw +there nothing but the most becoming gravity - it might be mingled +with a little sternness in momentary resentment at what I suspected +to be passing in his mind. + +Had I forgotten my own prospects, my ardent love, my pertinacious +hopes? It seemed like sacrilege to revert to them now, but I had +not forgotten them. It was, however, with a gloomy sense of the +darkness of those prospects, the fallacy of those hopes, and the +vanity of that affection, that I reflected on those things as I +remounted my horse and slowly journeyed homewards. Mrs. Huntingdon +was free now; it was no longer a crime to think of her - but did +she ever think of me? Not now - of course it was not to be +expected - but would she when this shock was over? In all the +course of her correspondence with her brother (our mutual friend, +as she herself had called him) she had never mentioned me but once +- and that was from necessity. This alone afforded strong +presumption that I was already forgotten; yet this was not the +worst: it might have been her sense of duty that had kept her +silent: she might be only trying to forget; but in addition to +this, I had a gloomy conviction that the awful realities she had +seen and felt, her reconciliation with the man she had once loved, +his dreadful sufferings and death, must eventually efface from her +mind all traces of her passing love for me. She might recover from +these horrors so far as to be restored to her former health, her +tranquillity, her cheerfulness even - but never to those feelings +which would appear to her, henceforth, as a fleeting fancy, a vain, +illusive dream; especially as there was no one to remind her of my +existence - no means of assuring her of my fervent constancy, now +that we were so far apart, and delicacy forbade me to see her or to +write to her, for months to come at least. And how could I engage +her brother in my behalf? how could I break that icy crust of shy +reserve? Perhaps he would disapprove of my attachment now as +highly as before; perhaps he would think me too poor - too lowly +born, to match with his sister. Yes, there was another barrier: +doubtless there was a wide distinction between the rank and +circumstances of Mrs. Huntingdon, the lady of Grassdale Manor, and +those of Mrs. Graham, the artist, the tenant of Wildfell Hall. And +it might be deemed presumption in me to offer my hand to the +former, by the world, by her friends, if not by herself; a penalty +I might brave, if I were certain she loved me; but otherwise, how +could I? And, finally, her deceased husband, with his usual +selfishness, might have so constructed his will as to place +restrictions upon her marrying again. So that you see I had +reasons enough for despair if I chose to indulge it. + +Nevertheless, it was with no small degree of impatience that I +looked forward to Mr. Lawrence's return from Grassdale: impatience +that increased in proportion as his absence was prolonged. He +stayed away some ten or twelve days. All very right that he should +remain to comfort and help his sister, but he might have written to +tell me how she was, or at least to tell me when to expect his +return; for he might have known I was suffering tortures of anxiety +for her, and uncertainty for my own future prospects. And when he +did return, all he told me about her was, that she had been greatly +exhausted and worn by her unremitting exertions in behalf of that +man who had been the scourge of her life, and had dragged her with +him nearly to the portals of the grave, and was still much shaken +and depressed by his melancholy end and the circumstances attendant +upon it; but no word in reference to me; no intimation that my name +had ever passed her lips, or even been spoken in her presence. To +be sure, I asked no questions on the subject; I could not bring my +mind to do so, believing, as I did, that Lawrence was indeed averse +to the idea of my union with his sister. + +I saw that he expected to be further questioned concerning his +visit, and I saw too, with the keen perception of awakened +jealousy, or alarmed self-esteem, or by whatever name I ought to +call it, that he rather shrank from that impending scrutiny, and +was no less pleased than surprised to find it did not come. Of +course, I was burning with anger, but pride obliged me to suppress +my feelings, and preserve a smooth face, or at least a stoic +calmness, throughout the interview. It was well it did, for, +reviewing the matter in my sober judgment, I must say it would have +been highly absurd and improper to have quarrelled with him on such +an occasion. I must confess, too, that I wronged him in my heart: +the truth was, he liked me very well, but he was fully aware that a +union between Mrs. Huntingdon and me would be what the world calls +a mesalliance; and it was not in his nature to set the world at +defiance; especially in such a case as this, for its dread laugh, +or ill opinion, would be far more terrible to him directed against +his sister than himself. Had he believed that a union was +necessary to the happiness of both, or of either, or had he known +how fervently I loved her, he would have acted differently; but +seeing me so calm and cool, he would not for the world disturb my +philosophy; and though refraining entirely from any active +opposition to the match, he would yet do nothing to bring it about, +and would much rather take the part of prudence, in aiding us to +overcome our mutual predilections, than that of feeling, to +encourage them. 'And he was in the right of it,' you will say. +Perhaps he was; at any rate, I had no business to feel so bitterly +against him as I did; but I could not then regard the matter in +such a moderate light; and, after a brief conversation upon +indifferent topics, I went away, suffering all the pangs of wounded +pride and injured friendship, in addition to those resulting from +the fear that I was indeed forgotten, and the knowledge that she I +loved was alone and afflicted, suffering from injured health and +dejected spirits, and I was forbidden to console or assist her: +forbidden even to assure her of my sympathy, for the transmission +of any such message through Mr. Lawrence was now completely out of +the question. + +But what should I do? I would wait, and see if she would notice +me, which of course she would not, unless by some kind message +intrusted to her brother, that, in all probability, he would not +deliver, and then, dreadful thought! she would think me cooled and +changed for not returning it, or, perhaps, he had already given her +to understand that I had ceased to think of her. I would wait, +however, till the six months after our parting were fairly passed +(which would be about the close of February), and then I would send +her a letter, modestly reminding her of her former permission to +write to her at the close of that period, and hoping I might avail +myself of it - at least to express my heartfelt sorrow for her late +afflictions, my just appreciation of her generous conduct, and my +hope that her health was now completely re-established, and that +she would, some time, be permitted to enjoy those blessings of a +peaceful, happy life, which had been denied her so long, but which +none could more truly be said to merit than herself - adding a few +words of kind remembrance to my little friend Arthur, with a hope +that he had not forgotten me, and perhaps a few more in reference +to bygone times, to the delightful hours I had passed in her +society, and my unfading recollection of them, which was the salt +and solace of my life, and a hope that her recent troubles had not +entirely banished me from her mind. If she did not answer this, of +course I should write no more: if she did (as surely she would, in +some fashion), my future proceedings should be regulated by her +reply. + +Ten weeks was long to wait in such a miserable state of +uncertainty; but courage! it must be endured! and meantime I would +continue to see Lawrence now and then, though not so often as +before, and I would still pursue my habitual inquiries after his +sister, if he had lately heard from her, and how she was, but +nothing more. + +I did so, and the answers I received were always provokingly +limited to the letter of the inquiry: she was much as usual: she +made no complaints, but the tone of her last letter evinced great +depression of mind: she said she was better: and, finally, she +said she was well, and very busy with her son's education, and with +the management of her late husband's property, and the regulation +of his affairs. The rascal had never told me how that property was +disposed, or whether Mr. Huntingdon had died intestate or not; and +I would sooner die than ask him, lest he should misconstrue into +covetousness my desire to know. He never offered to show me his +sister's letters now, and I never hinted a wish to see them. +February, however, was approaching; December was past; January, at +length, was almost over - a few more weeks, and then, certain +despair or renewal of hope would put an end to this long agony of +suspense. + +But alas! it was just about that time she was called to sustain +another blow in the death of her uncle - a worthless old fellow +enough in himself, I daresay, but he had always shown more kindness +and affection to her than to any other creature, and she had always +been accustomed to regard him as a parent. She was with him when +he died, and had assisted her aunt to nurse him during the last +stage of his illness. Her brother went to Staningley to attend the +funeral, and told me, upon his return, that she was still there, +endeavouring to cheer her aunt with her presence, and likely to +remain some time. This was bad news for me, for while she +continued there I could not write to her, as I did not know the +address, and would not ask it of him. But week followed week, and +every time I inquired about her she was still at Staningley. + +'Where is Staningley?' I asked at last. + +'In -shire,' was the brief reply; and there was something so cold +and dry in the manner of it, that I was effectually deterred from +requesting a more definite account. + +'When will she return to Grassdale?' was my next question. + +'I don't know.' + +'Confound it!' I muttered. + +'Why, Markham?' asked my companion, with an air of innocent +surprise. But I did not deign to answer him, save by a look of +silent, sullen contempt, at which he turned away, and contemplated +the carpet with a slight smile, half pensive, half amused; but +quickly looking up, he began to talk of other subjects, trying to +draw me into a cheerful and friendly conversation, but I was too +much irritated to discourse with him, and soon took leave. + +You see Lawrence and I somehow could not manage to get on very well +together. The fact is, I believe, we were both of us a little too +touchy. It is a troublesome thing, Halford, this susceptibility to +affronts where none are intended. I am no martyr to it now, as you +can bear me witness: I have learned to be merry and wise, to be +more easy with myself and more indulgent to my neighbours, and I +can afford to laugh at both Lawrence and you. + +Partly from accident, partly from wilful negligence on my part (for +I was really beginning to dislike him), several weeks elapsed +before I saw my friend again. When we did meet, it was he that +sought me out. One bright morning, early in June, he came into the +field, where I was just commencing my hay harvest. + +'It is long since I saw you, Markham,' said he, after the first few +words had passed between us. 'Do you never mean to come to +Woodford again?' + +'I called once, and you were out.' + +'I was sorry, but that was long since; I hoped you would call +again, and now I have called, and you were out, which you generally +are, or I would do myself the pleasure of calling more frequently; +but being determined to see you this time, I have left my pony in +the lane, and come over hedge and ditch to join you; for I am about +to leave Woodford for a while, and may not have the pleasure of +seeing you again for a month or two.' + +'Where are you going?' + +'To Grassdale first,' said he, with a half-smile he would willingly +have suppressed if he could. + +'To Grassdale! Is she there, then?' + +'Yes, but in a day or two she will leave it to accompany Mrs. +Maxwell to F- for the benefit of the sea air, and I shall go with +them.' (F- was at that time a quiet but respectable watering- +place: it is considerably more frequented now.) + +Lawrence seemed to expect me to take advantage of this circumstance +to entrust him with some sort of a message to his sister; and I +believe he would have undertaken to deliver it without any material +objections, if I had had the sense to ask him, though of course he +would not offer to do so, if I was content to let it alone. But I +could not bring myself to make the request, and it was not till +after he was gone, that I saw how fair an opportunity I had lost; +and then, indeed, I deeply regretted my stupidity and my foolish +pride, but it was now too late to remedy the evil. + +He did not return till towards the latter end of August. He wrote +to me twice or thrice from F-, but his letters were most +provokingly unsatisfactory, dealing in generalities or in trifles +that I cared nothing about, or replete with fancies and reflections +equally unwelcome to me at the time, saying next to nothing about +his sister, and little more about himself. I would wait, however, +till he came back; perhaps I could get something more out of him +then. At all events, I would not write to her now, while she was +with him and her aunt, who doubtless would be still more hostile to +my presumptuous aspirations than himself. When she was returned to +the silence and solitude of her own home, it would be my fittest +opportunity. + +When Lawrence came, however, he was as reserved as ever on the +subject of my keen anxiety. He told me that his sister had derived +considerable benefit from her stay at F- that her son was quite +well, and - alas! that both of them were gone, with Mrs. Maxwell, +back to Staningley, and there they stayed at least three months. +But instead of boring you with my chagrin, my expectations and +disappointments, my fluctuations of dull despondency and flickering +hope, my varying resolutions, now to drop it, and now to persevere +- now to make a bold push, and now to let things pass and patiently +abide my time, - I will employ myself in settling the business of +one or two of the characters introduced in the course of this +narrative, whom I may not have occasion to mention again. + +Some time before Mr. Huntingdon's death Lady Lowborough eloped with +another gallant to the Continent, where, having lived a while in +reckless gaiety and dissipation, they quarrelled and parted. She +went dashing on for a season, but years came and money went: she +sunk, at length, in difficulty and debt, disgrace and misery; and +died at last, as I have heard, in penury, neglect, and utter +wretchedness. But this might be only a report: she may be living +yet for anything I or any of her relatives or former acquaintances +can tell; for they have all lost sight of her long years ago, and +would as thoroughly forget her if they could. Her husband, +however, upon this second misdemeanour, immediately sought and +obtained a divorce, and, not long after, married again. It was +well he did, for Lord Lowborough, morose and moody as he seemed, +was not the man for a bachelor's life. No public interests, no +ambitious projects, or active pursuits, - or ties of friendship +even (if he had had any friends), could compensate to him for the +absence of domestic comforts and endearments. He had a son and a +nominal daughter, it is true, but they too painfully reminded him +of their mother, and the unfortunate little Annabella was a source +of perpetual bitterness to his soul. He had obliged himself to +treat her with paternal kindness: he had forced himself not to +hate her, and even, perhaps, to feel some degree of kindly regard +for her, at last, in return for her artless and unsuspecting +attachment to himself; but the bitterness of his self-condemnation +for his inward feelings towards that innocent being, his constant +struggles to subdue the evil promptings of his nature (for it was +not a generous one), though partly guessed at by those who knew +him, could be known to God and his own heart alone; - so also was +the hardness of his conflicts with the temptation to return to the +vice of his youth, and seek oblivion for past calamities, and +deadness to the present misery of a blighted heart a joyless, +friendless life, and a morbidly disconsolate mind, by yielding +again to that insidious foe to health, and sense, and virtue, which +had so deplorably enslaved and degraded him before. + +The second object of his choice was widely different from the +first. Some wondered at his taste; some even ridiculed it - but in +this their folly was more apparent than his. The lady was about +his own age - i.e., between thirty and forty - remarkable neither +for beauty, nor wealth, nor brilliant accomplishments; nor any +other thing that I ever heard of, except genuine good sense, +unswerving integrity, active piety, warm-hearted benevolence, and a +fund of cheerful spirits. These qualities, however, as you way +readily imagine, combined to render her an excellent mother to the +children, and an invaluable wife to his lordship. He, with his +usual self-depreciation, thought her a world too good for him, and +while he wondered at the kindness of Providence in conferring such +a gift upon him, and even at her taste in preferring him to other +men, he did his best to reciprocate the good she did him, and so +far succeeded that she was, and I believe still is, one of the +happiest and fondest wives in England; and all who question the +good taste of either partner may be thankful if their respective +selections afford them half the genuine satisfaction in the end, or +repay their preference with affection half as lasting and sincere. + +If you are at all interested in the fate of that low scoundrel, +Grimsby, I can only tell you that he went from bad to worse, +sinking from bathos to bathos of vice and villainy, consorting only +with the worst members of his club and the lowest dregs of society +- happily for the rest of the world - and at last met his end in a +drunken brawl, from the hands, it is said, of some brother +scoundrel he had cheated at play. + +As for Mr. Hattersley, he had never wholly forgotten his resolution +to 'come out from among them,' and behave like a man and a +Christian, and the last illness and death of his once jolly friend +Huntingdon so deeply and seriously impressed him with the evil of +their former practices, that he never needed another lesson of the +kind. Avoiding the temptations of the town, he continued to pass +his life in the country, immersed in the usual pursuits of a +hearty, active, country gentleman; his occupations being those of +farming, and breeding horses and cattle, diversified with a little +hunting and shooting, and enlivened by the occasional companionship +of his friends (better friends than those of his youth), and the +society of his happy little wife (now cheerful and confiding as +heart could wish), and his fine family of stalwart sons and +blooming daughters. His father, the banker, having died some years +ago and left him all his riches, he has now full scope for the +exercise of his prevailing tastes, and I need not tell you that +Ralph Hattersley, Esq., is celebrated throughout the country for +his noble breed of horses. + + + +CHAPTER LI + + + +We will now turn to a certain still, cold, cloudy afternoon about +the commencement of December, when the first fall of snow lay +thinly scattered over the blighted fields and frozen roads, or +stored more thickly in the hollows of the deep cart-ruts and +footsteps of men and horses impressed in the now petrified mire of +last month's drenching rains. I remember it well, for I was +walking home from the vicarage with no less remarkable a personage +than Miss Eliza Millward by my side. I had been to call upon her +father, - a sacrifice to civility undertaken entirely to please my +mother, not myself, for I hated to go near the house; not merely on +account of my antipathy to the once so bewitching Eliza, but +because I had not half forgiven the old gentleman himself for his +ill opinion of Mrs. Huntingdon; for though now constrained to +acknowledge himself mistaken in his former judgment, he still +maintained that she had done wrong to leave her husband; it was a +violation of her sacred duties as a wife, and a tempting of +Providence by laying herself open to temptation; and nothing short +of bodily ill-usage (and that of no trifling nature) could excuse +such a step - nor even that, for in such a case she ought to appeal +to the laws for protection. But it was not of him I intended to +speak; it was of his daughter Eliza. Just as I was taking leave of +the vicar, she entered the room, ready equipped for a walk. + +'I was just coming to see, your sister, Mr. Markham,' said she; +'and so, if you have no objection, I'll accompany you home. I like +company when I'm walking out - don't you?' + +'Yes, when it's agreeable.' + +'That of course,' rejoined the young lady, smiling archly. + +So we proceeded together. + +'Shall I find Rose at home, do you think?' said she, as we closed +the garden gate, and set our faces towards Linden-Car. + +'I believe so.' + +'I trust I shall, for I've a little bit of news for her - if you +haven't forestalled me.' + +'I?' + +'Yes: do you know what Mr. Lawrence is gone for?' She looked up +anxiously for my reply. + +'Is he gone?' said I; and her face brightened. + +'Ah! then he hasn't told you about his sister?' + +'What of her?' I demanded in terror, lest some evil should have +befallen her. + +'Oh, Mr. Markham, how you blush!' cried she, with a tormenting +laugh. 'Ha, ha, you have not forgotten her yet. But you had +better be quick about it, I can tell you, for - alas, alas! - she's +going to be married next Thursday!' + +'No, Miss Eliza, that's false.' + +'Do you charge me with a falsehood, sir?' + +'You are misinformed.' + +'Am I? Do you know better, then?' + +'I think I do.' + +'What makes you look so pale then?' said she, smiling with delight +at my emotion. 'Is it anger at poor me for telling such a fib? +Well, I only "tell the tale as 'twas told to me:" I don't vouch for +the truth of it; but at the same time, I don't see what reason +Sarah should have for deceiving me, or her informant for deceiving +her; and that was what she told me the footman told her:- that Mrs. +Huntingdon was going to be married on Thursday, and Mr. Lawrence +was gone to the wedding. She did tell me the name of the +gentleman, but I've forgotten that. Perhaps you can assist me to +remember it. Is there not some one that lives near - or frequently +visits the neighbourhood, that has long been attached to her? - a +Mr. - oh, dear! Mr. - ' + +'Hargrave?' suggested I, with a bitter smile. + +'You're right,' cried she; 'that was the very name.' + +'Impossible, Miss Eliza!' I exclaimed, in a tone that made her +start. + +'Well, you know, that's what they told me,' said she, composedly +staring me in the face. And then she broke out into a long shrill +laugh that put me to my wit's end with fury. + +'Really you must excuse me,' cried she. 'I know it's very rude, +but ha, ha, ha! - did you think to marry her yourself? Dear, dear, +what a pity! - ha, ha, ha! Gracious, Mr. Markham, are you going to +faint? Oh, mercy! shall I call this man? Here, Jacob - ' But +checking the word on her lips, I seized her arm and gave it, I +think, a pretty severe squeeze, for she shrank into herself with a +faint cry of pain or terror; but the spirit within her was not +subdued: instantly rallying, she continued, with well-feigned +concern, 'What can I do for you? Will you have some water - some +brandy? I daresay they have some in the public-house down there, +if you'll let me run.' + +'Have done with this nonsense!' cried I, sternly. She looked +confounded - almost frightened again, for a moment. 'You know I +hate such jests,' I continued. + +'Jests indeed! I wasn't jesting!' + +'You were laughing, at all events; and I don't like to be laughed +at,' returned I, making violent efforts to speak with proper +dignity and composure, and to say nothing but what was coherent and +sensible. 'And since you are in such a merry mood, Miss Eliza, you +must be good enough company for yourself; and therefore I shall +leave you to finish your walk alone - for, now I think of it, I +have business elsewhere; so good-evening.' + +With that I left her (smothering her malicious laughter) and turned +aside into the fields, springing up the bank, and pushing through +the nearest gap in the hedge. Determined at once to prove the +truth - or rather the falsehood - of her story, I hastened to +Woodford as fast as my legs could carry me; first veering round by +a circuitous course, but the moment I was out of sight of my fair +tormentor cutting away across the country, just as a bird might +fly, over pasture-land, and fallow, and stubble, and lane, clearing +hedges and ditches and hurdles, till I came to the young squire's +gates. Never till now had I known the full fervour of my love - +the full strength of my hopes, not wholly crushed even in my hours +of deepest despondency, always tenaciously clinging to the thought +that one day she might be mine, or, if not that, at least that +something of my memory, some slight remembrance of our friendship +and our love, would be for ever cherished in her heart. I marched +up to the door, determined, if I saw the master, to question him +boldly concerning his sister, to wait and hesitate no longer, but +cast false delicacy and stupid pride behind my back, and know my +fate at once. + +'Is Mr. Lawrence at home?' I eagerly asked of the servant that +opened the door. + +'No, sir, master went yesterday,' replied he, looking very alert. + +'Went where?' + +'To Grassdale, sir - wasn't you aware, sir? He's very close, is +master,' said the fellow, with a foolish, simpering grin. 'I +suppose, sir - ' + +But I turned and left him, without waiting to hear what he +supposed. I was not going to stand there to expose my tortured +feelings to the insolent laughter and impertinent curiosity of a +fellow like that. + +But what was to be done now? Could it be possible that she had +left me for that man? I could not believe it. Me she might +forsake, but not to give herself to him! Well, I would know the +truth; to no concerns of daily life could I attend while this +tempest of doubt and dread, of jealousy and rage, distracted me. I +would take the morning coach from L- (the evening one would be +already gone), and fly to Grassdale - I must be there before the +marriage. And why? Because a thought struck me that perhaps I +might prevent it - that if I did not, she and I might both lament +it to the latest moment of our lives. It struck me that someone +might have belied me to her: perhaps her brother; yes, no doubt +her brother had persuaded her that I was false and faithless, and +taking advantage of her natural indignation, and perhaps her +desponding carelessness about her future life, had urged her, +artfully, cruelly, on to this other marriage, in order to secure +her from me. If this was the case, and if she should only discover +her mistake when too late to repair it - to what a life of misery +and vain regret might she be doomed as well as me; and what remorse +for me to think my foolish scruples had induced it all! Oh, I must +see her - she must know my truth even if I told it at the church +door! I might pass for a madman or an impertinent fool - even she +might be offended at such an interruption, or at least might tell +me it was now too late. But if I could save her, if she might be +mine! - it was too rapturous a thought! + +Winged by this hope, and goaded by these fears, I hurried homewards +to prepare for my departure on the morrow. I told my mother that +urgent business which admitted no delay, but which I could not then +explain, called me away. + +My deep anxiety and serious preoccupation could not be concealed +from her maternal eyes; and I had much ado to calm her +apprehensions of some disastrous mystery. + +That night there came a heavy fall of snow, which so retarded the +progress of the coaches on the following day that I was almost +driven to distraction. I travelled all night, of course, for this +was Wednesday: to-morrow morning, doubtless, the marriage would +take place. But the night was long and dark: the snow heavily +clogged the wheels and balled the horses' feet; the animals were +consumedly lazy; the coachman most execrably cautious; the +passengers confoundedly apathetic in their supine indifference to +the rate of our progression. Instead of assisting me to bully the +several coachmen and urge them forward, they merely stared and +grinned at my impatience: one fellow even ventured to rally me +upon it - but I silenced him with a look that quelled him for the +rest of the journey; and when, at the last stage, I would have +taken the reins into my own hand, they all with one accord opposed +it. + +It was broad daylight when we entered M- and drew up at the 'Rose +and Crown.' I alighted and called aloud for a post-chaise to +Grassdale. There was none to be had: the only one in the town was +under repair. 'A gig, then - a fly - car - anything - only be +quick!' There was a gig, but not a horse to spare. I sent into +the town to seek one: but they were such an intolerable time about +it that I could wait no longer - I thought my own feet could carry +me sooner; and bidding them send the conveyance after me, if it +were ready within an hour, I set off as fast as I could walk. The +distance was little more than six miles, but the road was strange, +and I had to keep stopping to inquire my way; hallooing to carters +and clodhoppers, and frequently invading the cottages, for there +were few abroad that winter's morning; sometimes knocking up the +lazy people from their beds, for where so little work was to be +done, perhaps so little food and fire to be had, they cared not to +curtail their slumbers. I had no time to think of them, however; +aching with weariness and desperation, I hurried on. The gig did +not overtake me: and it was well I had not waited for it; +vexatious rather, that I had been fool enough to wait so long. + +At length, however, I entered the neighbourhood of Grassdale. I +approached the little rural church - but lo! there stood a train of +carriages before it; it needed not the white favours bedecking the +servants and horses, nor the merry voices of the village idlers +assembled to witness the show, to apprise me that there was a +wedding within. I ran in among them, demanding, with breathless +eagerness, had the ceremony long commenced? They only gaped and +stared. In my desperation, I pushed past them, and was about to +enter the churchyard gate, when a group of ragged urchins, that had +been hanging like bees to the window, suddenly dropped off and made +a rush for the porch, vociferating in the uncouth dialect of their +country something which signified, 'It's over - they're coming +out!' + +If Eliza Millward had seen me then she might indeed have been +delighted. I grasped the gate-post for support, and stood intently +gazing towards the door to take my last look on my soul's delight, +my first on that detested mortal who had torn her from my heart, +and doomed her, I was certain, to a life of misery and hollow, vain +repining - for what happiness could she enjoy with him? I did not +wish to shock her with my presence now, but I had not power to move +away. Forth came the bride and bridegroom. Him I saw not; I had +eyes for none but her. A long veil shrouded half her graceful +form, but did not hide it; I could see that while she carried her +head erect, her eyes were bent upon the ground, and her face and +neck were suffused with a crimson blush; but every feature was +radiant with smiles, and gleaming through the misty whiteness of +her veil were clusters of golden ringlets! Oh, heavens! it was not +my Helen! The first glimpse made me start - but my eyes were +darkened with exhaustion and despair. Dare I trust them? 'Yes - +it is not she! It was a younger, slighter, rosier beauty - lovely +indeed, but with far less dignity and depth of soul - without that +indefinable grace, that keenly spiritual yet gentle charm, that +ineffable power to attract and subjugate the heart - my heart at +least. I looked at the bridegroom - it was Frederick Lawrence! I +wiped away the cold drops that were trickling down my forehead, and +stepped back as he approached; but, his eyes fell upon me, and he +knew me, altered as my appearance must have been. + +'Is that you, Markham?' said he, startled and confounded at the +apparition - perhaps, too, at the wildness of my looks. + +'Yes, Lawrence; is that you?' I mustered the presence of mind to +reply. + +He smiled and coloured, as if half-proud and half-ashamed of his +identity; and if he had reason to be proud of the sweet lady on his +arm, he had no less cause to be ashamed of having concealed his +good fortune so long. + +'Allow me to introduce you to my bride,' said he, endeavouring to +hide his embarrassment by an assumption of careless gaiety. +'Esther, this is Mr. Markham; my friend Markham, Mrs. Lawrence, +late Miss Hargrave.' + +I bowed to the bride, and vehemently wrung the bridegroom's hand. + +'Why did you not tell me of this?' I said, reproachfully, +pretending a resentment I did not feel (for in truth I was almost +wild with joy to find myself so happily mistaken, and overflowing +with affection to him for this and for the base injustice I felt +that I had done him in my mind - he might have wronged me, but not +to that extent; and as I had hated him like a demon for the last +forty hours, the reaction from such a feeling was so great that I +could pardon all offences for the moment - and love him in spite of +them too). + +'I did tell you,' said he, with an air of guilty confusion; 'you +received my letter?' + +'What letter?' + +'The one announcing my intended marriage.' + +'I never received the most distant hint of such an intention.' + +'It must have crossed you on your way then - it should have reached +you yesterday morning - it was rather late, I acknowledge. But +what brought you here, then, if you received no information?' + +It was now my turn to be confounded; but the young lady, who had +been busily patting the snow with her foot during our short sotto- +voce colloquy, very opportunely came to my assistance by pinching +her companion's arm and whispering a suggestion that his friend +should be invited to step into the carriage and go with them; it +being scarcely agreeable to stand there among so many gazers, and +keeping their friends waiting into the bargain. + +'And so cold as it is too!' said he, glancing with dismay at her +slight drapery, and immediately handing her into the carriage. +'Markham, will you come? We are going to Paris, but we can drop +you anywhere between this and Dover.' + +'No, thank you. Good-by - I needn't wish you a pleasant journey; +but I shall expect a very handsome apology, some time, mind, and +scores of letters, before we meet again.' + +He shook my hand, and hastened to take his place beside his lady. +This was no time or place for explanation or discourse: we had +already stood long enough to excite the wonder of the village +sight-seers, and perhaps the wrath of the attendant bridal party; +though, of course, all this passed in a much shorter time than I +have taken to relate, or even than you will take to read it. I +stood beside the carriage, and, the window being down, I saw my +happy friend fondly encircle his companion's waist with his arm, +while she rested her glowing cheek on his shoulder, looking the +very impersonation of loving, trusting bliss. In the interval +between the footman's closing the door and taking his place behind +she raised her smiling brown eyes to his face, observing, +playfully, - 'I fear you must think me very insensible, Frederick: +I know it is the custom for ladies to cry on these occasions, but I +couldn't squeeze a tear for my life.' + +He only answered with a kiss, and pressed her still closer to his +bosom. + +'But what is this?' he murmured. 'Why, Esther, you're crying now!' + +'Oh, it's nothing - it's only too much happiness - and the wish,' +sobbed she, 'that our dear Helen were as happy as ourselves.' + +'Bless you for that wish!' I inwardly responded, as the carriage +rolled away - 'and heaven grant it be not wholly vain!' + +I thought a cloud had suddenly darkened her husband's face as she +spoke. What did he think? Could he grudge such happiness to his +dear sister and his friend as he now felt himself? At such a +moment it was impossible. The contrast between her fate and his +must darken his bliss for a time. Perhaps, too, he thought of me: +perhaps he regretted the part he had had in preventing our union, +by omitting to help us, if not by actually plotting against us. I +exonerated him from that charge now, and deeply lamented my former +ungenerous suspicions; but he had wronged us, still - I hoped, I +trusted that he had. He had not attempted to cheek the course of +our love by actually damming up the streams in their passage, but +he had passively watched the two currents wandering through life's +arid wilderness, declining to clear away the obstructions that +divided them, and secretly hoping that both would lose themselves +in the sand before they could be joined in one. And meantime he +had been quietly proceeding with his own affairs; perhaps, his +heart and head had been so full of his fair lady that he had had +but little thought to spare for others. Doubtless he had made his +first acquaintance with her - his first intimate acquaintance at +least - during his three months' sojourn at F-, for I now +recollected that he had once casually let fall an intimation that +his aunt and sister had a young friend staying with them at the +time, and this accounted for at least one-half his silence about +all transactions there. Now, too, I saw a reason for many little +things that had slightly puzzled me before; among the rest, for +sundry departures from Woodford, and absences more or less +prolonged, for which he never satisfactorily accounted, and +concerning which he hated to be questioned on his return. Well +might the servant say his master was 'very close.' But why this +strange reserve to me? Partly, from that remarkable idiosyncrasy +to which I have before alluded; partly, perhaps, from tenderness to +my feelings, or fear to disturb my philosophy by touching upon the +infectious theme of love. + + + +CHAPTER LII + + + +The tardy gig had overtaken me at last. I entered it, and bade the +man who brought it drive to Grassdale Manor - I was too busy with +my own thoughts to care to drive it myself. I would see Mrs. +Huntingdon - there could be no impropriety in that now that her +husband had been dead above a year - and by her indifference or her +joy at my unexpected arrival I could soon tell whether her heart +was truly mine. But my companion, a loquacious, forward fellow, +was not disposed to leave me to the indulgence of my private +cogitations. + +'There they go!' said he, as the carriages filed away before us. +'There'll be brave doings on yonder to-day, as what come to-morra. +- Know anything of that family, sir? or you're a stranger in these +parts?' + +'I know them by report.' + +'Humph! There's the best of 'em gone, anyhow. And I suppose the +old missis is agoing to leave after this stir's gotten overed, and +take herself off, somewhere, to live on her bit of a jointure; and +the young 'un - at least the new 'un (she's none so very young) - +is coming down to live at the Grove.' + +'Is Mr. Hargrave married, then?' + +'Ay, sir, a few months since. He should a been wed afore, to a +widow lady, but they couldn't agree over the money: she'd a rare +long purse, and Mr. Hargrave wanted it all to hisself; but she +wouldn't let it go, and so then they fell out. This one isn't +quite as rich, nor as handsome either, but she hasn't been married +before. She's very plain, they say, and getting on to forty or +past, and so, you know, if she didn't jump at this hopportunity, +she thought she'd never get a better. I guess she thought such a +handsome young husband was worth all 'at ever she had, and he might +take it and welcome, but I lay she'll rue her bargain afore long. +They say she begins already to see 'at he isn't not altogether that +nice, generous, perlite, delightful gentleman 'at she thought him +afore marriage - he begins a being careless and masterful already. +Ay, and she'll find him harder and carelesser nor she thinks on.' + +'You seem to be well acquainted with him,' I observed. + +'I am, sir; I've known him since he was quite a young gentleman; +and a proud 'un he was, and a wilful. I was servant yonder for +several years; but I couldn't stand their niggardly ways - she got +ever longer and worse, did missis, with her nipping and screwing, +and watching and grudging; so I thought I'd find another place.' + +'Are we not near the house?' said I, interrupting him. + +'Yes, sir; yond's the park.' + +My heart sank within me to behold that stately mansion in the midst +of its expansive grounds. The park as beautiful now, in its wintry +garb, as it could be in its summer glory: the majestic sweep, the +undulating swell and fall, displayed to full advantage in that robe +of dazzling purity, stainless and printless - save one long, +winding track left by the trooping deer - the stately timber-trees +with their heavy-laden branches gleaming white against the dull, +grey sky; the deep, encircling woods; the broad expanse of water +sleeping in frozen quiet; and the weeping ash and willow drooping +their snow-clad boughs above it - all presented a picture, striking +indeed, and pleasing to an unencumbered mind, but by no means +encouraging to me. There was one comfort, however, - all this was +entailed upon little Arthur, and could not under any circumstances, +strictly speaking, be his mother's. But how was she situated? +Overcoming with a sudden effort my repugnance to mention her name +to my garrulous companion, I asked him if he knew whether her late +husband had left a will, and how the property had been disposed of. +Oh, yes, he knew all about it; and I was quickly informed that to +her had been left the full control and management of the estate +during her son's minority, besides the absolute, unconditional +possession of her own fortune (but I knew that her father had not +given her much), and the small additional sum that had been settled +upon her before marriage. + +Before the close of the explanation we drew up at the park-gates. +Now for the trial. If I should find her within - but alas! she +might be still at Staningley: her brother had given me no +intimation to the contrary. I inquired at the porter's lodge if +Mrs. Huntingdon were at home. No, she was with her aunt in -shire, +but was expected to return before Christmas. She usually spent +most of her time at Staningley, only coming to Grassdale +occasionally, when the management of affairs, or the interest of +her tenants and dependents, required her presence. + +'Near what town is Staningley situated?' I asked. The requisite +information was soon obtained. 'Now then, my man, give me the +reins, and we'll return to M-. I must have some breakfast at the +"Rose and Crown," and then away to Staningley by the first coach +for -.' + +At M- I had time before the coach started to replenish my forces +with a hearty breakfast, and to obtain the refreshment of my usual +morning's ablutions, and the amelioration of some slight change in +my toilet, and also to despatch a short note to my mother +(excellent son that I was), to assure her that I was still in +existence, and to excuse my non-appearance at the expected time. +It was a long journey to Staningley for those slow-travelling days, +but I did not deny myself needful refreshment on the road, nor even +a night's rest at a wayside inn, choosing rather to brook a little +delay than to present myself worn, wild, and weather-beaten before +my mistress and her aunt, who would be astonished enough to see me +without that. Next morning, therefore, I not only fortified myself +with as substantial a breakfast as my excited feelings would allow +me to swallow, but I bestowed a little more than usual time and +care upon my toilet; and, furnished with a change of linen from my +small carpet-bag, well-brushed clothes, well-polished boots, and +neat new gloves, I mounted 'The Lightning,' and resumed my journey. +I had nearly two stages yet before me, but the coach, I was +informed, passed through the neighbourhood of Staningley, and +having desired to be set down as near the Hall as possible, I had +nothing to do but to sit with folded arms and speculate upon the +coming hour. + +It was a clear, frosty morning. The very fact of sitting exalted +aloft, surveying the snowy landscape and sweet sunny sky, inhaling +the pure, bracing air, and crunching away over the crisp frozen +snow, was exhilarating enough in itself; but add to this the idea +of to what goal I was hastening, and whom I expected to meet, and +you may have some faint conception of my frame of mind at the time +- only a faint one, though: for my heart swelled with unspeakable +delight, and my spirits rose almost to madness, in spite of my +prudent endeavours to bind them down to a reasonable platitude by +thinking of the undeniable difference between Helen's rank and +mine; of all that she had passed through since our parting; of her +long, unbroken silence; and, above all, of her cool, cautious aunt, +whose counsels she would doubtless be careful not to slight again. +These considerations made my heart flutter with anxiety, and my +chest heave with impatience to get the crisis over; but they could +not dim her image in my mind, or mar the vivid recollection of what +had been said and felt between us, or destroy the keen anticipation +of what was to be: in fact, I could not realise their terrors now. +Towards the close of the journey, however, a couple of my fellow- +passengers kindly came to my assistance, and brought me low enough. + +'Fine land this,' said one of them, pointing with his umbrella to +the wide fields on the right, conspicuous for their compact +hedgerows, deep, well-cut ditches, and fine timber-trees, growing +sometimes on the borders, sometimes in the midst of the enclosure: +'very fine land, if you saw it in the summer or spring.' + +'Ay,' responded the other, a gruff elderly man, with a drab +greatcoat buttoned up to the chin, and a cotton umbrella between +his knees. 'It's old Maxwell's, I suppose.' + +'It was his, sir; but he's dead now, you're aware, and has left it +all to his niece.' + +'All?' + +'Every rood of it, and the mansion-house and all! every hatom of +his worldly goods, except just a trifle, by way of remembrance, to +his nephew down in -shire, and an annuity to his wife.' + +'It's strange, sir!' + +'It is, sir; and she wasn't his own niece neither. But he had no +near relations of his own - none but a nephew he'd quarrelled with; +and he always had a partiality for this one. And then his wife +advised him to it, they say: she'd brought most of the property, +and it was her wish that this lady should have it.' + +'Humph! She'll be a fine catch for somebody.' + +'She will so. She's a widow, but quite young yet, and uncommon +handsome: a fortune of her own, besides, and only one child, and +she's nursing a fine estate for him in -. There'll be lots to +speak for her! 'fraid there's no chance for uz' - (facetiously +jogging me with his elbow, as well as his companion) - 'ha, ha, ha! +No offence, sir, I hope?' - (to me). 'Ahem! I should think she'll +marry none but a nobleman myself. Look ye, sir,' resumed he, +turning to his other neighbour, and pointing past me with his +umbrella, 'that's the Hall: grand park, you see, and all them +woods - plenty of timber there, and lots of game. Hallo! what +now?' + +This exclamation was occasioned by the sudden stoppage of the coach +at the park-gates. + +'Gen'leman for Staningley Hall?' cried the coachman and I rose and +threw my carpet-bag on to the ground, preparatory to dropping +myself down after it. + +'Sickly, sir?' asked my talkative neighbour, staring me in the +face. I daresay it was white enough. + +'No. Here, coachman!' + +'Thank'ee, sir. - All right!' + +The coachman pocketed his fee and drove away, leaving me, not +walking up the park, but pacing to and fro before its gates, with +folded arms, and eyes fixed upon the ground, an overwhelming force +of images, thoughts, impressions crowding on my mind, and nothing +tangibly distinct but this: My love had been cherished in vain - +my hope was gone for ever; I must tear myself away at once, and +banish or suppress all thoughts of her, like the remembrance of a +wild, mad dream. Gladly would I have lingered round the place for +hours, in the hope of catching at least one distant glimpse of her +before I went, but it must not be - I must not suffer her to see +me; for what could have brought me hither but the hope of reviving +her attachment, with a view hereafter to obtain her hand? And +could I bear that she should think me capable of such a thing? - of +presuming upon the acquaintance - the love, if you will - +accidentally contracted, or rather forced upon her against her +will, when she was an unknown fugitive, toiling for her own +support, apparently without fortune, family, or connections; to +come upon her now, when she was reinstated in her proper sphere, +and claim a share in her prosperity, which, had it never failed +her, would most certainly have kept her unknown to me for ever? +And this, too, when we had parted sixteen months ago, and she had +expressly forbidden me to hope for a re-union in this world, and +never sent me a line or a message from that day to this. No! The +very idea was intolerable. + +And even if she should have a lingering affection for me still, +ought I to disturb her peace by awakening those feelings? to +subject her to the struggles of conflicting duty and inclination - +to whichsoever side the latter might allure, or the former +imperatively call her - whether she should deem it her duty to risk +the slights and censures of the world, the sorrow and displeasure +of those she loved, for a romantic idea of truth and constancy to +me, or to sacrifice her individual wishes to the feelings of her +friends and her own sense of prudence and the fitness of things? +No - and I would not! I would go at once, and she should never +know that I had approached the place of her abode: for though I +might disclaim all idea of ever aspiring to her hand, or even of +soliciting a place in her friendly regard, her peace should not be +broken by my presence, nor her heart afflicted by the sight of my +fidelity. + +'Adieu then, dear Helen, forever! Forever adieu!' + +So said I - and yet I could not tear myself away. I moved a few +paces, and then looked back, for one last view of her stately home, +that I might have its outward form, at least, impressed upon my +mind as indelibly as her own image, which, alas! I must not see +again - then walked a few steps further; and then, lost in +melancholy musings, paused again and leant my back against a rough +old tree that grew beside the road. + + + +CHAPTER LIII + + + +While standing thus, absorbed in my gloomy reverie, a gentleman's +carriage came round the corner of the road. I did not look at it; +and had it rolled quietly by me, I should not have remembered the +fact of its appearance at all; but a tiny voice from within it +roused me by exclaiming, 'Mamma, mamma, here's Mr. Markham!' + +I did not hear the reply, but presently the same voice answered, +'It is indeed, mamma - look for yourself.' + +I did not raise my eyes, but I suppose mamma looked, for a clear +melodious voice, whose tones thrilled through my nerves, exclaimed, +'Oh, aunt! here's Mr. Markham, Arthur's friend! Stop, Richard!' + +There was such evidence of joyous though suppressed excitement in +the utterance of those few words - especially that tremulous, 'Oh, +aunt' - that it threw me almost off my guard. The carriage stopped +immediately, and I looked up and met the eye of a pale, grave, +elderly lady surveying me from the open window. She bowed, and so +did I, and then she withdrew her head, while Arthur screamed to the +footman to let him out; but before that functionary could descend +from his box a hand was silently put forth from the carriage +window. I knew that hand, though a black glove concealed its +delicate whiteness and half its fair proportions, and quickly +seizing it, I pressed it in my own - ardently for a moment, but +instantly recollecting myself, I dropped it, and it was immediately +withdrawn. + +'Were you coming to see us, or only passing by?' asked the low +voice of its owner, who, I felt, was attentively surveying my +countenance from behind the thick black veil which, with the +shadowing panels, entirely concealed her own from me. + +'I - I came to see the place,' faltered I. + +'The place,' repeated she, in a tone which betokened more +displeasure or disappointment than surprise. + +'Will you not enter it, then?' + +'If you wish it.' + +'Can you doubt?' + +'Yes, yes! he must enter,' cried Arthur, running round from the +other door; and seizing my hand in both his, he shook it heartily. + +'Do you remember me, sir?' said he. + +'Yes, full well, my little man, altered though you are,' replied I, +surveying the comparatively tall, slim young gentleman, with his +mother's image visibly stamped upon his fair, intelligent features, +in spite of the blue eyes beaming with gladness, and the bright +locks clustering beneath his cap. + +'Am I not grown?' said he, stretching himself up to his full +height. + +'Grown! three inches, upon my word!' + +'I was seven last birthday,' was the proud rejoinder. 'In seven +years more I shall be as tall as you nearly.' + +'Arthur,' said his mother, 'tell him to come in. Go on, Richard.' + +There was a touch of sadness as well as coldness in her voice, but +I knew not to what to ascribe it. The carriage drove on and +entered the gates before us. My little companion led me up the +park, discoursing merrily all the way. Arrived at the hall-door, I +paused on the steps and looked round me, waiting to recover my +composure, if possible - or, at any rate, to remember my new-formed +resolutions and the principles on which they were founded; and it +was not till Arthur had been for some time gently pulling my coat, +and repeating his invitations to enter, that I at length consented +to accompany him into the apartment where the ladies awaited us. + +Helen eyed me as I entered with a kind of gentle, serious scrutiny, +and politely asked after Mrs. Markham and Rose. I respectfully +answered her inquiries. Mrs. Maxwell begged me to be seated, +observing it was rather cold, but she supposed I had not travelled +far that morning. + +'Not quite twenty miles,' I answered. + +'Not on foot!' + +'No, Madam, by coach.' + +'Here's Rachel, sir,' said Arthur, the only truly happy one amongst +us, directing my attention to that worthy individual, who had just +entered to take her mistress's things. She vouchsafed me an almost +friendly smile of recognition - a favour that demanded, at least, a +civil salutation on my part, which was accordingly given and +respectfully returned - she had seen the error of her former +estimation of my character. + +When Helen was divested of her lugubrious bonnet and veil, her +heavy winter cloak, &c., she looked so like herself that I knew not +how to bear it. I was particularly glad to see her beautiful black +hair, unstinted still, and unconcealed in its glossy luxuriance. + +'Mamma has left off her widow's cap in honour of uncle's marriage,' +observed Arthur, reading my looks with a child's mingled simplicity +and quickness of observation. Mamma looked grave and Mrs. Maxwell +shook her head. 'And aunt Maxwell is never going to leave off +hers,' persisted the naughty boy; but when he saw that his pertness +was seriously displeasing and painful to his aunt, he went and +silently put his arm round her neck, kissed her cheek, and withdrew +to the recess of one of the great bay-windows, where he quietly +amused himself with his dog, while Mrs. Maxwell gravely discussed +with me the interesting topics of the weather, the season, and the +roads. I considered her presence very useful as a check upon my +natural impulses - an antidote to those emotions of tumultuous +excitement which would otherwise have carried me away against my +reason and my will; but just then I felt the restraint almost +intolerable, and I had the greatest difficulty in forcing myself to +attend to her remarks and answer them with ordinary politeness; for +I was sensible that Helen was standing within a few feet of me +beside the fire. I dared not look at her, but I felt her eye was +upon me, and from one hasty, furtive glance, I thought her cheek +was slightly flushed, and that her fingers, as she played with her +watch-chain, were agitated with that restless, trembling motion +which betokens high excitement. + +'Tell me,' said she, availing herself of the first pause in the +attempted conversation between her aunt and me, and speaking fast +and low, with her eyes bent on the gold chain - for I now ventured +another glance - 'Tell me how you all are at Linden-hope - has +nothing happened since I left you?' + +'I believe not.' + +'Nobody dead? nobody married?' + +'No.' + +'Or - or expecting to marry? - No old ties dissolved or new ones +formed? no old friends forgotten or supplanted?' + +She dropped her voice so low in the last sentence that no one could +have caught the concluding words but myself, and at the same time +turned her eyes upon me with a dawning smile, most sweetly +melancholy, and a look of timid though keen inquiry that made my +cheeks tingle with inexpressible emotions. + +'I believe not,' I answered. 'Certainly not, if others are as +little changed as I.' Her face glowed in sympathy with mine. + +'And you really did not mean to call?' she exclaimed. + +'I feared to intrude.' + +'To intrude!' cried she, with an impatient gesture. 'What - ' but +as if suddenly recollecting her aunt's presence, she checked +herself, and, turning to that lady, continued - 'Why, aunt, this +man is my brother's close friend, and was my own intimate +acquaintance (for a few short months at least), and professed a +great attachment to my boy - and when he passes the house, so many +scores of miles from his home, he declines to look in for fear of +intruding!' + +'Mr. Markham is over-modest,' observed Mrs. Maxwell. + +'Over-ceremonious rather,' said her niece - 'over - well, it's no +matter.' And turning from me, she seated herself in a chair beside +the table, and pulling a book to her by the cover, began to turn +over the leaves in an energetic kind of abstraction. + +'If I had known,' said I, 'that you would have honoured me by +remembering me as an intimate acquaintance, I most likely should +not have denied myself the pleasure of calling upon you, but I +thought you had forgotten me long ago.' + +'You judged of others by yourself,' muttered she without raising +her eyes from the book, but reddening as she spoke, and hastily +turning over a dozen leaves at once. + +There was a pause, of which Arthur thought he might venture to +avail himself to introduce his handsome young setter, and show me +how wonderfully it was grown and improved, and to ask after the +welfare of its father Sancho. Mrs. Maxwell then withdrew to take +off her things. Helen immediately pushed the book from her, and +after silently surveying her son, his friend, and his dog for a few +moments, she dismissed the former from the room under pretence of +wishing him to fetch his last new book to show me. The child +obeyed with alacrity; but I continued caressing the dog. The +silence might have lasted till its master's return, had it depended +on me to break it; but, in half a minute or less, my hostess +impatiently rose, and, taking her former station on the rug between +me and the chimney corner, earnestly exclaimed - + +'Gilbert, what is the matter with you? - why are you so changed? +It is a very indiscreet question, I know,' she hastened to add: +'perhaps a very rude one - don't answer it if you think so - but I +hate mysteries and concealments.' + +'I am not changed, Helen - unfortunately I am as keen and +passionate as ever - it is not I, it is circumstances that are +changed.' + +'What circumstances? Do tell me!' Her cheek was blanched with the +very anguish of anxiety - could it be with the fear that I had +rashly pledged my faith to another? + +'I'll tell you at once,' said I. 'I will confess that I came here +for the purpose of seeing you (not without some monitory misgivings +at my own presumption, and fears that I should be as little welcome +as expected when I came), but I did not know that this estate was +yours until enlightened on the subject of your inheritance by the +conversation of two fellow-passengers in the last stage of my +journey; and then I saw at once the folly of the hopes I had +cherished, and the madness of retaining them a moment longer; and +though I alighted at your gates, I determined not to enter within +them; I lingered a few minutes to see the place, but was fully +resolved to return to M- without seeing its mistress.' + +'And if my aunt and I had not been just returning from our morning +drive, I should have seen and heard no more of you?' + +'I thought it would be better for both that we should not meet,' +replied I, as calmly as I could, but not daring to speak above my +breath, from conscious inability to steady my voice, and not daring +to look in her face lest my firmness should forsake me altogether. +'I thought an interview would only disturb your peace and madden +me. But I am glad, now, of this opportunity of seeing you once +more and knowing that you have not forgotten me, and of assuring +you that I shall never cease to remember you.' + +There was a moment's pause. Mrs. Huntingdon moved away, and stood +in the recess of the window. Did she regard this as an intimation +that modesty alone prevented me from asking her hand? and was she +considering how to repulse me with the smallest injury to my +feelings? Before I could speak to relieve her from such a +perplexity, she broke the silence herself by suddenly turning +towards me and observing - + +'You might have had such an opportunity before - as far, I mean, as +regards assuring me of your kindly recollections, and yourself of +mine, if you had written to me.' + +'I would have done so, but I did not know your address, and did not +like to ask your brother, because I thought he would object to my +writing; but this would not have deterred me for a moment, if I +could have ventured to believe that you expected to hear from me, +or even wasted a thought upon your unhappy friend; but your silence +naturally led me to conclude myself forgotten.' + +'Did you expect me to write to you, then?' + +'No, Helen - Mrs. Huntingdon,' said I, blushing at the implied +imputation, 'certainly not; but if you had sent me a message +through your brother, or even asked him about me now and then - ' + +'I did ask about you frequently. I was not going to do more,' +continued she, smiling, 'so long as you continued to restrict +yourself to a few polite inquiries about my health.' + +'Your brother never told me that you had mentioned my name.' + +'Did you ever ask him?' + +'No; for I saw he did not wish to be questioned about you, or to +afford the slightest encouragement or assistance to my too +obstinate attachment.' Helen did not reply. 'And he was perfectly +right,' added I. But she remained in silence, looking out upon the +snowy lawn. 'Oh, I will relieve her of my presence,' thought I; +and immediately I rose and advanced to take leave, with a most +heroic resolution - but pride was at the bottom of it, or it could +not have carried me through. + +'Are you going already?' said she, taking the hand I offered, and +not immediately letting it go. + +'Why should I stay any longer?' + +'Wait till Arthur comes, at least.' + +Only too glad to obey, I stood and leant against the opposite side +of the window. + +'You told me you were not changed,' said my companion: 'you are - +very much so.' + +'No, Mrs. Huntingdon, I only ought to be.' + +'Do you mean to maintain that you have the same regard for me that +you had when last we met?' + +'I have; but it would be wrong to talk of it now.' + +'It was wrong to talk of it then, Gilbert; it would not now - +unless to do so would be to violate the truth.' + +I was too much agitated to speak; but, without waiting for an +answer, she turned away her glistening eye and crimson cheek, and +threw up the window and looked out, whether to calm her own, +excited feelings, or to relieve her embarrassment, or only to pluck +that beautiful half-blown Christmas-rose that grew upon the little +shrub without, just peeping from the snow that had hitherto, no +doubt, defended it from the frost, and was now melting away in the +sun. Pluck it, however, she did, and having gently dashed the +glittering powder from its leaves, approached it to her lips and +said: + +'This rose is not so fragrant as a summer flower, but it has stood +through hardships none of them could bear: the cold rain of winter +has sufficed to nourish it, and its faint sun to warm it; the bleak +winds have not blanched it, or broken its stem, and the keen frost +has not blighted it. Look, Gilbert, it is still fresh and blooming +as a flower can be, with the cold snow even now on its petals. - +Will you have it?' + +I held out my hand: I dared not speak lest my emotion should +overmaster me. She laid the rose across my palm, but I scarcely +closed my fingers upon it, so deeply was I absorbed in thinking +what might be the meaning of her words, and what I ought to do or +say upon the occasion; whether to give way to my feelings or +restrain them still. Misconstruing this hesitation into +indifference - or reluctance even - to accept her gift, Helen +suddenly snatched it from my hand, threw it out on to the snow, +shut down the window with an emphasis, and withdrew to the fire. + +'Helen, what means this?' I cried, electrified at this startling +change in her demeanour. + +'You did not understand my gift,' said she - 'or, what is worse, +you despised it. I'm sorry I gave it you; but since I did make +such a mistake, the only remedy I could think of was to take it +away.' + +'You misunderstood me cruelly,' I replied, and in a minute I had +opened the window again, leaped out, picked up the flower, brought +it in, and presented it to her, imploring her to give it me again, +and I would keep it for ever for her sake, and prize it more highly +than anything in the world I possessed. + +'And will this content you?' said she, as she took it in her hand. + +'It shall,' I answered. + +'There, then; take it.' + +I pressed it earnestly to my lips, and put it in my bosom, Mrs. +Huntingdon looking on with a half-sarcastic smile. + +'Now, are you going?' said she. + +'I will if - if I must.' + +'You are changed,' persisted she - 'you are grown either very proud +or very indifferent.' + +'I am neither, Helen - Mrs. Huntingdon. If you could see my heart +- ' + +'You must be one, - if not both. And why Mrs. Huntingdon? - why +not Helen, as before?' + +'Helen, then - dear Helen!' I murmured. I was in an agony of +mingled love, hope, delight, uncertainty, and suspense. + +'The rose I gave you was an emblem of my heart,' said she; 'would +you take it away and leave me here alone?' + +'Would you give me your hand too, if I asked it?' + +'Have I not said enough?' she answered, with a most enchanting +smile. I snatched her hand, and would have fervently kissed it, +but suddenly checked myself, and said, - + +'But have you considered the consequences?' + +'Hardly, I think, or I should not have offered myself to one too +proud to take me, or too indifferent to make his affection outweigh +my worldly goods.' + +Stupid blockhead that I was! - I trembled to clasp her in my arms, +but dared not believe in so much joy, and yet restrained myself to +say, - + +'But if you should repent!' + +'It would be your fault,' she replied: 'I never shall, unless you +bitterly disappoint me. If you have not sufficient confidence in +my affection to believe this, let me alone.' + +'My darling angel - my own Helen,' cried I, now passionately +kissing the hand I still retained, and throwing my left arm around +her, 'you never shall repent, if it depend on me alone. But have +you thought of your aunt?' I trembled for the answer, and clasped +her closer to my heart in the instinctive dread of losing my new- +found treasure. + +'My aunt must not know of it yet,' said she. 'She would think it a +rash, wild step, because she could not imagine how well I know you; +but she must know you herself, and learn to like you. You must +leave us now, after lunch, and come again in spring, and make a +longer stay, and cultivate her acquaintance, and I know you will +like each other.' + +'And then you will be mine,' said I, printing a kiss upon her lips, +and another, and another; for I was as daring and impetuous now as +I had been backward and constrained before. + +'No - in another year,' replied she, gently disengaging herself +from my embrace, but still fondly clasping my hand. + +'Another year! Oh, Helen, I could not wait so long!' + +'Where is your fidelity?' + +'I mean I could not endure the misery of so long a separation.' + +'It would not be a separation: we will write every day: my spirit +shall be always with you, and sometimes you shall see me with your +bodily eye. I will not be such a hypocrite as to pretend that I +desire to wait so long myself, but as my marriage is to please +myself, alone, I ought to consult my friends about the time of it.' + +'Your friends will disapprove.' + +'They will not greatly disapprove, dear Gilbert,' said she, +earnestly kissing my hand; 'they cannot, when they know you, or, if +they could, they would not be true friends - I should not care for +their estrangement. Now are you satisfied?' She looked up in my +face with a smile of ineffable tenderness. + +'Can I be otherwise, with your love? And you do love me, Helen?' +said I, not doubting the fact, but wishing to hear it confirmed by +her own acknowledgment. + +'If you loved as I do,' she earnestly replied, 'you would not have +so nearly lost me - these scruples of false delicacy and pride +would never thus have troubled you - you would have seen that the +greatest worldly distinctions and discrepancies of rank, birth, and +fortune are as dust in the balance compared with the unity of +accordant thoughts and feelings, and truly loving, sympathising +hearts and souls.' + +'But this is too much happiness,' said I, embracing her again; 'I +have not deserved it, Helen - I dare not believe in such felicity: +and the longer I have to wait, the greater will be my dread that +something will intervene to snatch you from me - and think, a +thousand things may happen in a year! - I shall be in one long +fever of restless terror and impatience all the time. And besides, +winter is such a dreary season.' + +'I thought so too,' replied she gravely: 'I would not be married +in winter - in December, at least,' she added, with a shudder - for +in that month had occurred both the ill-starred marriage that had +bound her to her former husband, and the terrible death that +released her - 'and therefore I said another year, in spring.' + +'Next spring?' + +'No, no - next autumn, perhaps.' + +'Summer, then?' + +'Well, the close of summer. There now! be satisfied.' + +While she was speaking Arthur re-entered the room - good boy for +keeping out so long. + +'Mamma, I couldn't find the book in either of the places you told +me to look for it' (there was a conscious something in mamma's +smile that seemed to say, 'No, dear, I knew you could not'), 'but +Rachel got it for me at last. Look, Mr. Markham, a natural +history, with all kinds of birds and beasts in it, and the reading +as nice as the pictures!' + +In great good humour I sat down to examine the book, and drew the +little fellow between my knees. Had he come a minute before I +should have received him less graciously, but now I affectionately +stroked his curling looks, and even kissed his ivory forehead: he +was my own Helen's son, and therefore mine; and as such I have ever +since regarded him. That pretty child is now a fine young man: he +has realised his mother's brightest expectations, and is at present +residing in Grassdale Manor with his young wife - the merry little +Helen Hattersley of yore. + +I had not looked through half the book before Mrs. Maxwell appeared +to invite me into the other room to lunch. That lady's cool, +distant manners rather chilled me at first; but I did my best to +propitiate her, and not entirely without success, I think, even in +that first short visit; for when I talked cheerfully to her, she +gradually became more kind and cordial, and when I departed she +bade me a gracious adieu, hoping ere long to have the pleasure of +seeing me again. + +'But you must not go till you have seen the conservatory, my aunt's +winter garden,' said Helen, as I advanced to take leave of her, +with as much philosophy and self-command as I could summon to my +aid. + +I gladly availed myself of such a respite, and followed her into a +large and beautiful conservatory, plentifully furnished with +flowers, considering the season - but, of course, I had little +attention to spare for them. It was not, however, for any tender +colloquy that my companion had brought me there:- + +'My aunt is particularly fond of flowers,' she observed, 'and she +is fond of Staningley too: I brought you here to offer a petition +in her behalf, that this may be her home as long as she lives, and +- if it be not our home likewise - that I may often see her and be +with her; for I fear she will be sorry to lose me; and though she +leads a retired and contemplative life, she is apt to get low- +spirited if left too much alone.' + +'By all means, dearest Helen! - do what you will with your own. I +should not dream of wishing your aunt to leave the place under any +circumstances; and we will live either here or elsewhere as you and +she may determine, and you shall see her as often as you like. I +know she must be pained to part with you, and I am willing to make +any reparation in my power. I love her for your sake, and her +happiness shall be as dear to me as that of my own mother.' + +'Thank you, darling! you shall have a kiss for that. Good-by. +There now - there, Gilbert - let me go - here's Arthur; don't +astonish his infantile brain with your madness.' + +* * * * * + +But it is time to bring my narrative to a close. Any one but you +would say I had made it too long already. But for your +satisfaction I will add a few words more; because I know you will +have a fellow-feeling for the old lady, and will wish to know the +last of her history. I did come again in spring, and, agreeably to +Helen's injunctions, did my best to cultivate her acquaintance. +She received me very kindly, having been, doubtless, already +prepared to think highly of my character by her niece's too +favourable report. I turned my best side out, of course, and we +got along marvellously well together. When my ambitious intentions +were made known to her, she took it more sensibly than I had +ventured to hope. Her only remark on the subject, in my hearing, +was - + +'And so, Mr. Markham, you are going to rob me of my niece, I +understand. Well! I hope God will prosper your union, and make my +dear girl happy at last. Could she have been contented to remain +single, I own I should have been better satisfied; but if she must +marry again, I know of no one, now living and of a suitable age, to +whom I would more willingly resign her than yourself, or who would +be more likely to appreciate her worth and make, her truly happy, +as far as I can tell.' + +Of course I was delighted with the compliment, and hoped to show +her that she was not mistaken in her favourable judgment. + +'I have, however, one request to offer,' continued she. 'It seems +I am still to look on Staningley as my home: I wish you to make it +yours likewise, for Helen is attached to the place and to me - as I +am to her. There are painful associations connected with +Grassdale, which she cannot easily overcome; and I shall not molest +you with my company or interference here: I am a very quiet +person, and shall keep my own apartments, and attend to my own +concerns, and only see you now and then.' + +Of course I most readily consented to this; and we lived in the +greatest harmony with our dear aunt until the day of her death, +which melancholy event took place a few years after - melancholy, +not to herself (for it came quietly upon her, and she was glad to +reach her journey's end), but only to the few loving friends and +grateful dependents she left behind. + +To return, however, to my own affairs: I was married in summer, on +a glorious August morning. It took the whole eight months, and all +Helen's kindness and goodness to boot, to overcome my mother's +prejudices against my bride-elect, and to reconcile her to the idea +of my leaving Linden Grange and living so far away. Yet she was +gratified at her son's good fortune after all, and proudly +attributed it all to his own superior merits and endowments. I +bequeathed the farm to Fergus, with better hopes of its prosperity +than I should have had a year ago under similar circumstances; for +he had lately fallen in love with the Vicar of L-'s eldest daughter +- a lady whose superiority had roused his latent virtues, and +stimulated him to the most surprising exertions, not only to gain +her affection and esteem, and to obtain a fortune sufficient to +aspire to her hand, but to render himself worthy of her, in his own +eyes, as well as in those of her parents; and in the end he was +successful, as you already know. As for myself, I need not tell +you how happily my Helen and I have lived together, and how blessed +we still are in each other's society, and in the promising young +scions that are growing up about us. We are just now looking +forward to the advent of you and Rose, for the time of your annual +visit draws nigh, when you must leave your dusty, smoky, noisy, +toiling, striving city for a season of invigorating relaxation and +social retirement with us. + +Till then, farewell, + +GILBERT MARKHAM. + +STANINGLEY: June 10TH, 1847. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg eText The Tenant of Wildfell Hall + |