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diff --git a/9658-0.txt b/9658-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e97275d --- /dev/null +++ b/9658-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2246 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 9658 *** + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. I No. 13.] + +PUNCHINELLO + +SATURDAY, JUNE 25, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +In this Number and will be continued Weekly + + * * * * * + +CONANT'S + +PATENT BINDERS + +FOR + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, +on receipt of One Dollar, by + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +83 Nassau Street, New York City. + + * * * * * + +TO NEWS-DEALERS. + +PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. + +The Weekly Numbers for May, + +Bound in a Handsome Cover, + +Is Now Ready. Price, Fifty Cents. + +THE TRADE + +Supplied by the + +AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, + +Who are now prepared to receive Orders. + + * * * * * + +HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S + +STEEL PENS. + +These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any other +Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following grades, as +being better suited for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The + +"5O5," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," + +we recommend for Bank and Office use. + +D. APPLETON & CO., + +Sole Agents for United States. + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.] + + * * * * * + +APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN + +"PUNCHINELLO" + +SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO + +J. NICKERSON, + +ROOM No. 4, + +No. 83 Nassau Street + + * * * * * + +DIBBLEEANIA, + +and + +Japonica Juice + +FOR THE HAIR. + +The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds +ever offered to the public for the + +Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c. + +For consultation, apply at + +WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, + +Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. + +854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City. + + * * * * * + +FURNITURE + +E. W. HUTCHINGS & SON, + +Manufacturers of + +Rich and Plain Furniture + +AND DECORATIONS. + +Nos. 99 and 101 Fourth Avenue, + +Formerly 475 Broadway, + +(Near A. T. Stewart & Co.'s.) NEW YORK + +Where a general assortment can be had at moderate prices. + +_Wood Mantels, Pier and Mantel Frames and Wainscoting +made to order from designs_ + + * * * * * + +PHELAN & COLLENDER, + +MANUFACTURERS OF + +STANDARD AMERICAN BILLIARD TABLES, + +WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, + +738 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +NEW YORK CITIZEN + +and + +ROUND TABLE, + +A Literary, Political, and Sporting paper + +with the best writers in each department. Published every + +Saturday. + +PRICE, TEN CENTS. + +32 Beekman Street + + * * * * * + +WEVILL & HAMMAR, + +Wood Engravers, + +208 BROADWAY, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +FORST & AVERELL + +Steam Lithograph, and Letter Press + +PRINTERS + +EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS. + +Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application + +23 Platt Street, and +20-22 Gold Street, +[P.O. Box 2845.] +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +ERIE RAILWAY. + +TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS + +Foot of Chambers Street + +and + +Foot of Twenty-Third Street, + +AS FOLLOWS: + +Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M., +and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15 +and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany +the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville with +magnificent Sleeping Coaches running through to Cleveland and Galien. +Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to +Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M. +train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train +leaves daily at 7:30 P.M. + +FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street, +*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and, +Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.) + +FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.) + +FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street +7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.) + +FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and +5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.) + +FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and +11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at +6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. + +FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 8:45 and +11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street +Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M. + +FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at +8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only, +{12 midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30, +4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays, only, {12:00 midnight. + +Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping +Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of +Baggage may be left at the + +COMPANY'S OFFICES: + +241, 529, and 957 Broadway. +205 Chambers Street. +Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem. +338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. +Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot +of Twenty-third Street, New York. +3 Exchange Place. +Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, +And of the Agents at the principal Hotels + +WM. R. BARR, +_General Passenger Agent._ + +L. D. RUCKER, +_General Superintendent._ + +Daily. $For Hackensack only, {For Piermont only. + +May 2D, 1870. + + * * * * * + +MERCANTILE LIBRARY + +Clinton Hall, Astor Place, + +NEW YORK. + +This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of +volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each +month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works. + +Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. + +TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: + +TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES. +TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR. + +Subscriptions Taken for Six Months. + +BRANCH OFFICES + +at + +No. 76 Cedar St., New York, + +and at + +Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. + + * * * * * + +GEO. B. BOWLEND, + +Draughtsman & Designer + +No. 160 Fulton Street, + +Room No. 11, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +HENRY L. STEPHENS, + +ARTIST, + +No. 160 Fulton Street, + +NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +J. NICKINSON + +begs to announce to the friends of + +"PUNCHINELLO," + +residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of + +ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, + +the same will be forwarded, postage paid. + +Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. + +OFFICE OF + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +83 Nassau Street. + +[P.O. Box 2783.] + + * * * * * + +$2 to ALBANY and +TROY. + +The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, +will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., +landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West +Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeek, Bristol, Catskill, +Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in +connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany +(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and +for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from +Albany to Troy. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +MR. MCLAUGHLIN AND FRIEND. + + +JOHN BUMSTEAD, on his way home along the unsteady turnpike--upon which +he is sure there will be a dreadful accident some day, for want of +railings--is suddenly brought to an unsettled pause in his career by the +spectacle of Old Mortarity leaning against the low fence of the pauper +burial-ground, with a shapeless boy throwing stones at him in the +moonlight. The stones seem never to hit the venerable JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, +and at each miss the spry monkey of the moonlight sings "Sold again," +and casts another missile still further from the mark. One of these goes +violently to the nose of Mr. BUMSTEAD, who, after a momentary enjoyment +of the evening fireworks thus lighted off, makes a wrathful rush at the +playful child, and lifts him from the ground by his ragged collar, like +a diminished suit of Mr. GREELEY'S customary habiliments. + +"Miserable snipe," demands BUMSTEAD, eyeing his trophy gloomily, and +giving him a turn or two as though he were a mackerel under inspection, +"what are you doing to that gooroleman?" + +"Oh, come now!" says the lad, sparring at him in the air, "you just +lemme be, or I'll fetch you a wipe in the jaw. I ain't doing nothink; +and he's werry good to me, he is." + +Mr. BUMSTEAD drops the presumptuous viper, but immediately seizes him by +an ear and leads him to MCLAUGHLIN, whom he asks: "Do you know this +insect?" + +"SMALLEY," says MCLAUGHLIN, with a nod. + +"Is that the name of the sardine?" + +"Blagyerboots," adds MCLAUGHLIN. + +"Shine 'em up, red hot," explains the boy. "I'm one of them fellers." +Here he breaks away and hops out again into the road, singing: + + "Áina, maina, mona, Mike, + Bassalona, bona, strike! + Hay, way, crown, rack, + Hallico, ballico, we--wo--wack!" + +--which he evidently intends as a kind of Hitalian; for, simultaneously, +he aims a stone at JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, grazes Mr. BUMSTEAD'S whiskers +instead, and in another instant a sound of breaking glass is heard in +the distance. + +"Peace, young scorpion!" says Mr. BUMSTEAD, with a commanding gesture. +"JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, let me see you home. The road is too unsteady to-night +for an old man like you. Let me see you home, far as my house, at +least." + +"Thank you, sir, I'd make better time alone. When you came up, sir, Old +Mortarity was meditating on this bone-farm," says Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, +pointing with a trowel, which he had drawn from his pocket, into the +pauper burial-ground. "He was thinking of the many laid here when the +Alms-House over yonder used to be open _as_ a Alms-House. I've patched +up all these graves, as well as them in the Ritual churchyard, and know +'em all, sir. Over there, Editor of Country Journal; next, Stockholder +in Erie; next, Gentleman who Undertook to be Guided in His Agriculture +by Mr. GREELEY'S 'What I Know about Farming;' next, Original Projector +of American Punch; next, Proprietor of Rural Newspaper; next, another +Projector of American Punch--indeed, all the rest of that row is +American _Punches_; next, Conductor of Rustic Daily; next, Manager of +Italian Opera; next, Stockholder in Morris and Essex; next, American +Novelist; next, Husband of Literary Woman; next, Pastor of Southern +Church; next, Conductor of Provincial Press.--I know 'em ALL sir," says +Old Mortarity, with exquisite pathos, "and if a flower could spring up +for every tear a friendless old man has dropped upon their neglected +graves, you couldn't see the wooden head-boards for the roses." + +"Tharsverytrue," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, much affected--"Not see 'em for your +noses--beaut'ful idea! You're a gooroleman, sir. Here comes SMALLEY +again." + +"I ain't doing nothink, and you're all the time wanting me to move on, +and he's werry good to me, he is," whimpers SMALLEY, throwing a stone at +Mr. BUMSTEAD and hitting Old Mortarity. + +"Didn't I tell you to always aim at _me_?" cries the latter, angrily +rubbing the place. "Don't I give you a penny a night to aim right at +me?" + +"I only chucked once at him," says the youth, penitently. + +"You see, Mr. BUMSTEAD," explains JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, "I give him an Object +in life. I am that Object, and it pays me. If you've ever noticed these +boys, sir, they never hit what they aim at. If they throw at a pigeon or +a tree, the stone goes through a garret window. If they throw at a dog, +it hits some passer-by on the leg. If they throw at each other, it takes +you in the back as you're turnin' a corner. I used to be getting hit all +over every night from SMALLEY'S aiming at dogs, and pigeons, and boys +like himself; but now I hire him to aim at me, exclusively, and I'm all +safe.--There he goes, now, misses me, and breaks another winder." + +"Here, SMALLEY," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, as another stone, aimed at +MCLAUGHLIN, strikes himself, "take this other penny, and aim at _both_ +of us." + +Thus perfectly protected from painful contusion, although the air +continues full of stones, Mr. BUMSTEAD takes JOHN MCLAUGHLIN'S arm, as +they move onward, to protect the old man from harm, and is so careful to +pick out the choice parts of the road for him that their progress is +digressive in the extreme. + +"I have heard," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, "that at one end of the pauper +burial-ground there still remains the cellar of a former chapel to the +Alms-House, and that you have broken through into it, and got a +stepladder to go down. Isthashso?" + +"Yes; and there's coffins down there." + +"Yours is a hic-stremely strange life, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN." + +"It's certainly a very damp one," says MCLAUGHLIN, silently urging his +strange companion to support a little more of his own weight in +walking. "But it has its science. Over in the Ritualistic burial-yard, I +tap the wall of a vault with my trowel-handle, and if the sound is +hollow I say to myself: 'Not full yet.' Say it's the First of May, and I +tap a coffin, and don't hear anything more in it, I say: 'Either you're +not a woman in there, or, if you are, you never kept house.'--Because, +you see, if it was a woman that ever kept house, it would take but the +least thing in the world to make her insist upon 'moving' on the First +of May." + +"Won'rful!" says Mr. BUMSTEAD. "Sometime when you're sober, JOHN +MCLAUGHLIN, I'll do a grave or two with you." + +On their way they reach a bar-room, into which Mr. BUMSTEAD is anxious +to take Old Mortarity, for the purpose of getting something to make the +latter stronger for his remaining walk. Failing in his ardent entreaties +to this end--even after desperately offering to eat a few cloves himself +for the sake of company--he coldly bids the stone-cutter good-night, and +starts haughtily in a series of spirals for his own home. Suddenly +catching sight of SMALLEY in the distance, he furiously grasps a stone +to throw at him; but, allowing his arm to describe too much of a circle +before parting with the stone, the latter strikes the back of his own +head, and he goes on, much confused. + +Arriving in his own room, and arising from the all-fours attitude in +which, from eccentricity, he has ascended the stairs, Mr. BUMSTEAD takes +from a cupboard a curious, antique flask, and nearly fills a tumbler +from its amber-hued contents. He drinks the potion with something like +frenzy; then softly steals to the door of a room opening into his own, +and looks in upon EDWIN DROOD. Calm and untroubled lies his nephew +there, in pleasant dreams. "They are both asleep," whispers Mr. BUMSTEAD +to himself. He goes back to his own bed, accompanied unconsciously by a +chair caught in his coat-tail; puts on his hat, opens an umbrella over +his head, and lies down to dread serpentine visions. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +INSURANCE IN GOSPELER's GULCH. + + +The Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON (OCTAVIUS, because there had been seven +other little SIMPSONS, who all took after their father when he died of +mumps, like seven kittens after the parental tail,) having thrown +himself all over the room with a pair of dumb-bells much too strong for +him, and taken a seidlitz powder to oblige his dyspepsia, was now +parting his back hair before a looking-glass. An unimpeachably +consumptive style of clerical beauty did the mirror reflect; the +countenance contracting to an expression of almost malevolent piety when +the comb went over a bump, and relaxing to an open-mouthed charity for +all mankind, amounting nearly to imbecility, when the more complex +requirements of the parting process compelled twists of the head +scarcely compatible with even so much as a squint at the glass. + +It being breakfast time, Mrs. SIMPSON--mother of OCTAVIUS--was just down +for the meal, and surveyed the operation with a look of undisguised +anxiety. + +"You'll break one of them yet, some morning, OCTAVE," said the old lady. + +"Do what, OLDY?" asked the writhing Gospeler, apparently speaking out of +his right ear. + +"You'll break either the comb, or your neck, some morning." + +Rendered momentarily irritable by this aggravating remark, the Reverend +OCTAVIUS made a jab with the comb at the old lady's false-front, pulling +it down quite askew over her left eye; but, upon the sudden entrance of +a servant with the tea-pot, he made precipitate pretence that his hand +was upon his mother's head to give her a morning blessing. + +They were a striking pair to sit at breakfast together in Gospeler's +Gulch, Bumsteadville: she with her superb old nut-cracker countenance, +and he with the dyspepsia of more than thirty summers causing him to +deal gently with the fish-balls. They sat within sound of the bell of +the Ritualistic Church, the ringing of which was forever deluding the +peasantry of the surrounding country into the idea that they could +certainly hear their missing cows at last (hence the name of the +church--Saint Cow's); while the sonorous hee-hawing of an occasional +Nature's Congressman in some distant field reminded them of the outer +political world. + +"Here is Mr. SCHENCK'S letter," said Mrs. SIMPSON, handing an open +epistle across the table, as she spoke to her son, "and you might read +it aloud, my OCTAVE." + +Taking the tea-cup off his face, the Reverend OCTAVIUS accepted the +missive, which was written from "A Perfect Stranger's Parlor, New York," +and began reading thus: "Dear Ma-a-dam-- + + I wri-i-te in the-e + Chai-ai-ai-air-" + +--"Dear me, OCTAVE," interrupted the old lady, "can't you read even a +letter without Intoning--and to the tone of 'Old Hundredth,' too?" + +"I'm afraid not, dear OLDY," responded the Gospeler. "I'm so much in the +habit of it. You're not so ritualistic yourself, and may be able to do +better." + +"Give it back to me, my sing-sing-sonny," said the old lady; who at once +read as follows: "DEAR MADAM, I write from the chair which I have now +occupied for six hours, in the house of a man whom I never saw before in +my life, but who comes next in the Directory to the obstinate but +finally conquered being under whose roof I resolutely passed the greater +part of yesterday. He sits near me in another chair, so much weakened +that he can just reply to me in whispers, and I believe that a few hours +more of my talk will leave him no choice between dying of exhaustion at +my feet and taking a Policy in the Boreal Life Insurance Company, of +which I am Agent. I have spoken to my wards, MONTGOMERY and MAGNOLIA +PENDRAGON, concerning MAGNOLIA'S being placed at school in the Macassar, +and MONTGOMERY'S acceptance of your son, OCTAVIUS, as his tutor, and +shall take them with me to Bumsteadville to-morrow, for such +disposition. Hoping, Madam, that neither you nor your son will much +longer fly into the face of Providence by declining to insure your +lives, through me, in the Boreal, I have the honor to be Yours, for two +Premiums, MELANCTHON SCHENCK." + +"Well, OLDY," said OCTAVIUS, with dismal countenance, "do you think +we'll have to do it?" + +"Do what?" asked the old lady. + +"Let him Insure us." + +"I'm afraid it will come to that yet, OCTAVE. I've known persons to die +under him." + +"Well, well, Heaven's will be done," muttered the patient Gospeler. "And +now, mother, we must do something to make the first coming of these +young strangers seem cheerful to them. We must give a little +dinner-party here, and invite Miss CAROWTHERS, and BUMSTEAD and his +nephew, and the Flowerpot. Don't you think the codfish will go round?" + +"Yes, dear: that is, if you and I take the spine," replied the old lady. + +So the party of reception was arranged, and the invitations hurried out. + +At about half an hour before dinner there was a sound in the air of +Bumsteadville as of a powerful stump-speaker addressing a mass-meeting +in the distance; rapidly intensifying to stentorian phrases, such +as--"provide for your miserable surviving offspring"--"lower rates than +any other company"--"full amount cheerfully paid upon hearing of your +death"--until a hack appeared coming down the crossroad descending into +Gospeler's Gulch, and stopped at the Gospeler's door. As the faint +driver, trembling with nervous debility from great excess of deathly +admonition addressed to him, through the front window of his hack, all +the way from the ferry, checked his horses in one feeble gasp of +remaining strength, the Reverend OCTAVIUS stepped forth from the doorway +to greet Mr. SCHENCK and the dark-complexioned, sharp-eyed young brother +and sister who came with him. + +"Now remember, fellow," said Mr. SCHENCK to the driver, after he had +come out of the vehicle, shaking his cane menacingly at him as he spoke, +"I've warned you, in time, to prepare for death, and given you a +Schedule of our rates to read to your family. If you should die of +apoplexy in a week, as you probably will, your wife must pick rags, and +your children play a harp and fiddle. Dream of it, think of it, +dissolute man, and take a Policy in the Boreal." + +As the worn-out hackman, too despondent at thought of his impending +decease and family-bankruptcy to make any other answer than a groan, +drove wretchedly away, the genial Mr. SCHENCK hoarsely introduced the +young PENDRAGONS to the Gospeler, and went with them after the latter +into the house. + +The Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON, with dire forebodings of the discomfiture +of his dear old nut-cracker of a mother, did the honors of a general +introduction with a perfect failure of a smile; and, thenceforth, until +dinner was over, Mr. SCHENCK was the Egyptian festal skeleton that +continually reminded the banqueters of their latter ends. + +"Great Heavens! what signs of the seeds of the tomb do I not see all +around me here," observed Mr. SCHENCK, in a deep base voice, as he +helped himself to more codfish. "Here is my friend, Mr. SIMPSON, +withering under our very eyes with Dyspepsia. In Mr. BUMSTEAD'S manly +eye you can perceive Congestion of the Brain. General Debility marked +the venerable Mrs. SIMPSON for its own. Miss POTTS and MAGNOLIA can +bloom and eat caramels now; but what will be their anguish when +malignant Small Pox rages, as it surely must, next month! Mr. DROOD and +MONTGOMERY are rejoicing in the health and thin legs of youth; but how +many lobster salads are there between them and fatal Cholera Morbus? As +for Miss ELIZABETH CADY CAROWTHERS, there, her Skeleton is already +coming through at the shoulders."--"Oh, my friends!" exclaimed the +ghastly Mr. SCHENCK, with beautiful enthusiasm, "Insure while yet, there +is time; that the kindred, or friends, whom you will all leave behind, +probably within the next three months, may have something to keep them +from the Poor-House, or, its dread alternative--Crime!" He considerately +paused until the shuddering was over, and then added, with melting +softness--"I'll leave a few of our Schedules with you." + +When, at last, this boon-companion said that he must go, it was +surprising to see with what passionate cordiality everybody helped him +off. Mr. BUMSTEAD frenziedly crammed his hat upon his beaming head, and, +with one eager blow on the top, drove it far down over his ears; FLORA +POTTS and MAGNOLIA thrust each a buckskin glove far up either sleeve; +Miss CAROWTHERS frantically stuck one of his overshoes under each arm; +Mr. DROOD wildly dragged his coat over his form, without troubling him +at all about the sleeves, and breathlessly buttoned it to the neck; and +the Reverend OCTAVIUS and MONTGOMERY hurried him forth by the shoulders, +as though the house were on fire and he the very last to be snatched +from the falling beams. + +These latter two then almost ran with him to the livery stable where he +was to obtain a hack for the ferry; leaving him in charge of the livery +man--who, by the way, he at once frightened into a Boreal Policy, by a +few felicitous remarks (while the hack was preparing) upon the curious +recent fatality of Heart-Disease amongst middle-aged podgy men with +bulbous noses. + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +THE FEROCITY OF FAILURE. + +It is not, everybody knows, pleasant to fail; and of all failures, it is +the most aggravating to an editor to have the juvenile newspaper of his +own begetting expire at an early age. Such has been the melancholy fate +of _The Hancock_ (Ky.) _Messenger_. "Ah!" says the wretched editor in +his farewell address, "if I could but write the obituary of several of +the miserable skinflints of this town." Such being his passionate +emotions, and such the wild bitterness of his revengeful spirit, it is +greatly to be wondered at that with rifle, bowie-knife or pistol, he did +not rush into the streets of Hancock, and, having run a muck through +those thoroughfares, and having slaughtered quite a large number of the +"miserable skin-flints," that he did not then retire to his den, there +and then to compose the obituaries aforesaid. It must be confessed that +this gentleman appears to be more bilious than brave. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AS TIBBS HAS OFTEN REMARKED TO MRS. T.: "IT ISN'T HIS +DISPOSITION TO SHIRK ANY LITTLE DOMESTIC DUTY, BUT HOW ABOUT MEETING +ONE'S BACHELOR ACQUAINTANCES, YOU KNOW?"] + + +SONG OF THE CHICAGO LAWYER. + + Divorces, Ho! Divorces! + Ye sorry lords, come one and all! + Afflicted wives, come at my call! + I have a balm for all the smarts + And pains of unrequited hearts; + I have a cure for every ill + That matrimonial feuds instil-- + Come ye unto my call! + + Here, pretty one! + I know your lord refused to buy + That velvet dress, no reason why-- + He is a brute! There, do not cry, + I'll drive the tear-drop from your eye, + And you again, fair one, shall be + From such a selfish thraldom free-- + Take courage, then--look up! + + This way, good sir-- + Is raging, wild insanity; + Ha! ha! my friend, is that the plea? + Oh, well, we've doctors by the score + Will prove it twenty times, or more, + Or, if it may His Honor please, + Will swear the moon is made of cheese-- + Come on, good sir, come on! + + Good morning, pious friend! + You wish for ministerial aid + To prove the flaws? Be not afraid-- + The ministerial conscience leads + Sometimes to proving of misdeeds, + Which less exalted minds would hold + It nobler to have left untold; + But duty, sir, is stern. + + Divorces, Ho! Divorces! + We'll put them through at Dexter speed, + And, this late day, there is no need + Of flying off to Indiana + In such a helter-skelter manner; + We're going to have a train, you know, + 'Twill stop, (with patients passing through,) + Five minutes for divorces. + + * * * * * + +INTERESTING TO ITINERANT CIRCUS COMPANIES. + +You can make your tents waterproof by Pitching them. + + * * * * * + +MORE MYTHOLOGY. + +APOLLO. This gentlemanly deity was the manager of the Sun. By this +statement we do not mean to imply that he had any connection with the +_Sun_ of the present day over which Mr. DANA presides, although his +fondness for a good lyre has led many to suppose that he was the patron +of the classic journalists. The Sun which was in APOLLO'S charge was the +same respectable luminary which has been seen at London no less than +three different times during the present century, and which daily shines +upon this free and happy republic. What APOLLO'S duties as keeper of the +Sun were, is not precisely known. Probably he was required to +superintend the scouring and brightening of the solar disk. At any rate, +since he gave up his office, the Sun has become freckled over with ugly +spots, the cause of which no modern astronomer has yet discerned;--the +scientific chaps, with their customary want of common sense, having +never once surmised that these spots were simply rust occasioned by a +lack of proper scouring. The theory that APOLLO really did scour the Sun +is substantiated by the ancient legend that he used to scour the heavens +in a swift chariot drawn by several coursers. The greater is universally +admitted to contain the less--except in the solitary instance of the +nutmeg grater, which generally contains nothing but dust.--Hence the +deity who scoured the entire Heavens would unquestionably scour that +small portion which we call the Sun. This is an argument which will +convince any one but a strong-minded woman or a Protectionist. + +APOLLO, as we have already said, was very fond of the lyre. He was also +an archer--not the one who shot at a crow, although his name does begin +with "A," but an archer who was addicted to drawing a very long and +ornamental bow. This is doubtless another reason why he is believed to +have been the guide, counsellor, and friend of the journalists of the +period. Indeed, so firm is the belief, even at the present day, in his +honorary connection with journalism, that one of our best known editors, +whose personal appearance strikingly resembles that of the best statues +of APOLLO, is frequently called, by way of compliment, "the APOLLO of +the press." Need we say that we refer to Mr. HORACE GREELEY, who +receives this title quite as much on account of his professional +eminence, as because of his resemblance to the APOLLO BELVIDERE? + +APOLLO was the first individual, mortal or immortal, who became a public +lecturer, and--after the manner of our most popular lyceum +lecturers--propounded unintelligible conundrums to the confiding +public. He had a Hall at Delphi, where he used to speak upon "The Lesson +of the Hour," and his oracular sayings were every bit as valuable as +those of RALPH WALDO EMERSON himself. People used to ask him all manner +of questions, precisely as they now ask questions of the editors of +newspapers. Now-a-days if a girl wants to know what she shall do to +change the color of her hair, she writes to the editor of PUNCHINELLO, +and receives a satisfactory answer. Had she lived two thousand years +ago, however, she would have gone to Delphi and asked APOLLO, who would +have oracularly answered, "Dye." As APOLLO never wrote his +prescriptions, the girl would have been uncertain whether he meant to +say "Dye" or "Die," and after the manner of her sex, would, of course, +have chosen the wrong interpretation, and have immediately drowned +herself. By such responses as these, APOLLO sometimes accomplished much +good, though usually his oracular sayings were as useless as those of +the Veteran Observer. + + * * * * * + +THE CROWING HENS. + +The ladies, bless 'em! are disgusted with man management, and seek to +inaugurate a season of Miss management. + + * * * * * + +RICHES HAVE WINGS. + +Gen. BUTLER'S failure to profit by his investment in the Lynn +shoe-manufacture, may at this time be justly regarded as another proof +that wealth has wings and "shoe-flies" away. + + * * * * * + +THE HOLY GRAIL AND OTHER POEMS. + +(This is one of the other Poems.) + +BY A HALF-RED DENIZEN OF THE WEST. + + +PART III. + + PELLEAS, when he left ETTARRE'S gate, + Through all the lonely woods went groaning great; + And there, while driv'ling round in doleful plight, + He met monk PERCEVALE, reformed knight; + A wise old fox. You'd never catch him in + A tavern, Sundays, drinking milky gin! + PELLEAS button-holed him, and said he, + "As good as GUINEVERE I thought my she!" + Then PERCEVALE, pure soul! did laugh serene. + "My friend," said he, "you must be precious green. + As good as our queen, you thought your she! + I'll bet she's all of that, whoe'er she be." + PELLEAS dropped his jaw and clenched his fist, + Then through his white calcaveous teeth he hissed: + + "She'll die, she'll go to burning flame! + She'll mix her ancient blood with shame! + The wind is howling in turret and tree." + + "That's so," said PERCEVALE, "but you or I + Can't help all that, you know. So friend, good bye." + + In darkest woods--down in a lonely dell, + A peanut woman sat--her wares to sell. + But brave PELLEAS, turning not aside, + O'er that poor woman and her stall did ride. + And as he wildly dashed along, pell-mell, + To all the night-bugs thusly he did yell: + + Rosy is the West! + Rosy is the South, + Hard enough her cheek, + False enough her mouth. + + When the happy Yes + Comes from lips and eyes, + Pass and blush the news + That the lady lies. + + While thus PELLEAS kept his crazy course, + And tried his best to founder his poor horse + Out from the city came brave LANCELOT, + His steed just on a comfortable trot. + And as he rode thus gaily, all alone, + He loudly sang, in his fine baritone, + "There's many a black, black eye, they say, but none so bright as + mine. + There's GALAHAD and ARTHUR; GERAINT and old MERLINE, + But none so gay as LANCELOT, in all the land, they say; + For I'm with the Queen all day, Mother! I'm with the Queen all day." + + But when PELLEAS, riding wild, he heard, + To stop his song the thought to him occurred; + And shouting loud, he cried, "Who's there? Hello! + What now? Hold up! Look out! Hi-yi! Ho, Ho! + Pull up, young man, and tell me who you be." + PELLEAS stopped, and thus gave answer he: + "I'm just exactly what my fancy suits; + I'm FECHTER'S Hamlet, and I'm CLARKE'S De Boots; + I'm Champagne CHARLEY, and I'm SUSAN ANTHONY, you know--or any other + man." + + "If that's the case," said LANCELOT, "we'll fight." + "Well," said PELLEAS, "that suits me, all right." + Said LANCELOT, "As anxious you appear, + Just make a ring out in this meadow here. + I'm somewhat drowsy, and to sleep I'll go. + Just wake me when you're ready, friend, and so, + Comrade, leave me here a little, while as yet 'tis early morn. + Leave ms here, and when you want me, sound upon the bugle horn." + + PELLEAS now worked hard, marked out a ring, + And made it smooth and nice as anything; + He dug and sodded it, and after that + He got a roller and he rolled it flat. + When all was done, he blew a warlike catch, + And LANCELOT skipped up, and toed the scratch. + Down went their visors--each fell back a space, + And on they came at a tremendous pace. + They met! A crash! And LANCELOT, proud knight, + He knocked PELLEAS higher than a kite! + + The mighty din of battle scarce did cease, + When came old PERCEVALE, who yelled, "Police!" + He might have yelled forever; they came not. + The victor sneered, "My name is LANCELOT." + Then said PELLEAS, "Well, suppose it be, + It makes no earthly difference to me." + As glum PELLEAS on the ground did sit, + Said PERCEVALE, "Young man, git up and git!" + Then cried the other, "Easy 'tis to talk-- + I'd like to know how ever I can walk. + + Broke, broke, broke! + Are three of my bones, oh see! + And I would that my tongue could utter + The thoughts that arise in me." + + Then PERCEVALE, he took him on his back, + And in the Queen's wide hall, down dumped him,--smack! + "Hello!" cried GUINEVERE, "here's been a fight! + And I not there! Young man, it serves you right!" + PELLEAS got upon his pins once more, + And thus he sang, while hobbling to the door: + + "O ho! good Lady GUINEVERE + From yon blue heavens above us bent, + The grand old gardener and his wife + Smile, though they never saved a cent. + Remember that, and should you find + Time on your hands too heavy go, + Oh! teach the orphan girl to read, + Oh! teach the orphan boy to sew!" + +(THE END.) + + * * * * * + +WAT CUM SNECST? + +OR + +The Oriental Mule. + + +A SKELETON DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY D. BOSSYCOW, ESQ. + +[Managers who purchase this great sensation have the right to substitute +any other title, to suit their special tastes, abilities or otherwise. +Also to fill up the list of characters, ditto, ditto, ditto.] + +CHARACTERS (absolutely necessary.) + +CLEONI _A Young Man in Love._ + +LUCY _A do. Woman do, do._ + +GIMFRISKY _Prince of Eareigh._ + + * * * * * + +ACT I. + +_Room in a Cottage._ + +CLEONI. Ah! Oh! my beloved, 'tis well! + +LUCY. Hush! no more. I see it all. + +CLEONI. Cans't thou see my mother? + +LUCY. I cannest. + +(_They suddenly rush into each other's arms, where they remain in two +swoons; in the meanwhile the cottage is burned to the ground. Curtain +falls for two minutes, and upon its rising the Ninth Regiment is +discovered en bivouac on the ruins, its commander, the_ PRINCE, +_reclining gracefully on the ground._) + +(_Background, river Amazin, mouth wide open._) _Solo on the banjo, +"Rest, Traveller, Rest_," by PAREPA ROSA. + + * * * * * + +ACT II. + +_Room in hotel at San Francisco._ + +GIMFRISKY. Revenge? Aye, 'tis sweet. But see! they come! + +LUCY. How now? But yesterday you said-- + +CLEONI. Hush, dearest, the time will come when-- + +(_A rumbling noise is heard, and soon the whole building is shaken into +remarkably small ruins._) + +[_Half an hour is supposed to elapse, for refreshments, and when the +curtain rises_, GIMFRISKY, _who has emerged through a diminutive hole, +is discovered in the costume of_ AJAX _defying the lightning, or +something of that sort, singing_-- + + "I dreamt I dwelt in marble, O," + "From quarries near to Tuckahoe."] + + * * * * * + +ACT III. + +_Steamer on the Sound._ + +LUCY. How keiyind it was to give us free passes to our cottage by the +sea. + +CLEONI. _I_ don't see it in that light. + +LUCY. But when once more-- + +_Enter_ GIMFRISKY, _singing, "Will you come into my parlor, my pretty +little fly?"_ + +[_Here the stage simultaneously opens, and the noble steamer sinks out +of sight, leaving only the top of one of the smoke-pipes in view, from +which emerges_ BILLY BIRCH, _who sings to slow and solemn music_: + + "Down, down, down, Derry down," + "Tho' lost to sight, to memory dear."] + + * * * * * + +ACT IV. + +_At the base of Mount Vesuvius._ + +_Enter the_ PRINCE of EAREIGH, _heavily enveloped in an elegant black +velvet opera cloak._ + +GIMFRISKY. They think they have eluded me, and although this is a hard +place to make a corner, I'll be-- + +LUCY. What a beautiful--(LUCY and CLEONI _having entered_, R.H.) + +CLEONI. Yes, here will we dwell until--But what form is that? + +[_The_ PRINCE _here throws off the aforesaid black velvet opera cloak, +and appears in a dress somewhat à la Sing Sing and Charlestown, to wit, +one-half in an Admiral's uniform, the other half being that of a +military officer._] + +GIMFRISKY. My dear friends, I have no refreshments here to offer you, +but I will show you the crater, if you will follow me. + +LUCY. Lead on, thou gay and festive youth. + +CLEONI. This gittin' up is somewhat rugged-- + +GIMFRISKY. Aye, but I'm used to that kind of business; but here we are +at the top. + +[_At this moment an awful eruption takes place, and all are enveloped in +smoke. Soon this clears away, and above the crater appear two huge paws, +holding the_ PRINCE _head downwards, while_ LUCY _and_ CLEONI _may be +seen in loving embrace, sitting under a balloon, and steering due +West._] + +_Epilogue by_ C. SUMNER, Esq.,--"Sweet are the uses of adversity." + +_Curtain falls to slow and solemn music._ + + * * * * * + +A LONG SHOT. + + +MR. DISRAELI, in "LOTHAIR," introduces a roving Oxford professor, whom +he characterizes as a "social parasite." Mr. GOLDWIN SMITH is a roving +Oxford professor, who happens now to be amongst us, and who immediately +places upon his head, and ties tightly under his chin, the cap hung out +by the author of LOTHAIR. According to Mr. SMITH'S letter to the gay +LOTHAIRIO, published in the _Tribune_, the cap fits him to a hair, +whereupon he ungratefully shakes his fist at the donor of it across the +Atlantic, and stigmatizes him as a coward. This may lead to a long-shot +duel between the aggressor and the aggrieved. Mr. GOLDWIN SMITH, for +instance, who, in addition to being a roving professor, seems to have +become a raving professor, may go so far as to jerk the word "coward!" +at the teeth of Mr. DISRAELI, through the Atlantic cable. "Glad the cap +fits!" would probably be the prompt response from the trans-Atlantic +party; and thus the culminating Billingsgate might be bandied about +beneath the ocean until all the mermaids turned to fish-wives, and +learned to be so vile in their language as to shock even VENUS +ANADYOMENE, and send her blushing away to the darkest grottoes of the +deep. + + * * * * * + +ORGANIZING AN ORGAN. + +To Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S great disgust, the managers of the coming Beethoven +Festival in New York sent to Boston to borrow the great organ used in +the Coliseum. Fortunately it is found that there is not time to move the +monster here, and put it up. Now let us have an organ that is an +organ--something entirely original--an organ with meerschaum pipes, +specie-paying banks of keys, stops calculated to produce a maximum of +go, with the Rev. Mr. BELLOWS to furnish the music power and the Rev. +HENRY WARD BEECHER to supply the wind. Let us have an organ which will +surpass all other organs in the world, whether the same be political, +phrenological or physical! + + * * * * * + +ERRATUM. + +A Bavarian Princess has been announced as lecturing in this city on the +"Equality of Women." + +For "Equality of Women" read "He quality of Women." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A RURAL NUISANCE. + +"AND WE MUST SUMMON THE LAW TO OUR AID.----IT CAN HELP US MATERIALLY IN +OUR WARFARE WITH THE COWARDLY VAGABONDS WHO TRAVERSE OUR FIELDS WITH +MUSKET OR RIFLE, BLAZING AWAY AT EVERY UNSUSPECTING ROBIN OR THRUSH THAT +THEY CAN DISCOVER. MAKE IT TRESPASS, PUNISHABLE WITH FINE AND +IMPRISONMENT, TO SHOOT ON ANOTHER'S LAND WITHOUT HIS EXPRESS PERMISSION, +AND THE COWARDLY MASSACRE OF THE FARMERS' HUMBLE ALLIES WOULD BE CHECKED +AT ONCE." + +_Mr._ GREELEY'S _"What I Know about Farming," Tribune, June 4._] + + * * * * * + +PHILADELVINGS. + +It would be a good thing for New Yorkers, when they feel a little dull, +to take a run over to Philadelphia and be amused. The good Quakers have +all the hail-holes in their windows mended now, and they are as lively +as ever. Among other things, they have two rival variety theatres, +"Fox's" and the "Chestnut;" and the efforts of each of these to excel +the other creates the greatest excitement among the young Broadbrims. +Each establishment is continually adding something new and wonderful to +its attractions. A week or so ago the weather was very warm, and the +vegetable theatre announced that it was the coolest place in the city. +The next week it was damp and cold, and the animal establishment +declared that its building was the hottest in town. One has a _danseuse_ +who spins around so fast that she bores a hole in the floor of the stage +with her toe; and to emulate this, the other produces sixty danseuses, +all imported from Europe, who spin around so fast that you cannot see +them at all. They are all there on the stage, but from the rising to the +falling of the curtain, their velocity is such that they are absolutely +invisible. The one announces no tedious waits; the other no tiresome +measures. Fox guarantees no jokes of his stale; but this statement is +ridiculed in the Chestnut bur-letta. The one advertises itself as the +cradle of wit, but the other does not abate its scoffin' a whit. The one +has a fountain of real water and MORLACCHI; while the other would have +the Gulf Stream, if it did not lack MAURY. + +But these are not the only peculiarities of Philadelphia amusements. A +short time ago, the Conchological Society of that city gave a concert. +Did anybody ever hear of a Conchological Concert before? This affair was +a success, owing, perhaps, to its novel programme. "Shells of Ocean" was +of course sung as a solo, a duet, and a chorus; and SHELLEY'S +"Nightingale" was set to music and played as a 'cello solo. A variation, +for the piano, on CRABB ROBINSON'S diary, was also given. The +"Conquering Hero" was sung, and indeed the music dealers declared that +to furnish suitable selections for the performers at this concert, they +had stripped their shelves. Many of the "Hard Shell" Baptists took an +active part in the affair, and SHELTON MCKENZIE was one of its principal +supporters. It is pleasant to learn that the proceeds of the concert +were satisfactory, for the members of the society were obliged to shell +out liberally in order to get it up. A little disturbance was created at +one time, by an unruly boy, who became clamorous for an _encore,_ and +remonstrances only made the young cub boisterous, but one of the +officers threatening to knock him higher than a conchite on Mount +Lebanon, he quieted down. The hall was illuminated by _tentaculites_, +and presented a brilliant appearance. Most of the audience resided out +at Chelton Heights, and a heavy rain, which came up after the +performance, made them very glad to reach the shelter of their homes. + +The Presbyterians had a lively time among the Quakers for a couple of +weeks. As they are now a united body, "Old School" and "New School" are +things of the past. But it must not be supposed that reference is made +to old SCHOOL of the _Evening Star_. He is not a thing of the past; and +it is one of the pleasantest recreations of the Philadelphians to sit at +their front windows and listen to his thirty thousand newsboys sing +together their vesper hymn--"Star of the Ee-e-e-vening! +Doub-ull-sheet-Star!" + +Another peculiarity of Philadelphia is the way it utilizes its Fire +Department. Not long ago, a company of firemen, returning from a fire, +beheld a man trying to break into a house. The company immediately +comprehended that it was its duty to arrest that man. And so the Head +Man he blew his horn, and away they went, "apparatus" and all, after the +burglar, who had now taken to his heels. The bells rang, the men +shouted; and amid cries of "Sock her down, boys! Roll her, boys, roll +her! Hi! yi! yi!" the novel chase went on. But, as they could not +overtake the fleet-footed thief, a stream of water was played upon him, +but without stopping him. A hook-and-ladder company now coming up, an +effort was made to clap a ladder against the fugitive, but it could not +be done. And, after all, he escaped. + +But to prevent too great an emigration of "the dangerous class" to +Philadelphia, it may be stated that that city does not rely entirely +upon its Fire Department to catch its thieves. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLOOD-MONEY. + +_Dr. Schenck._ "HOW IS UNCLE SAM'S INCOME PULSE?" + +_Dr. Delano._ "VERY LOW. WE HAVE BLED HIM PRETTY FREELY, BUT MUST KEEP +BLEEDING HIM TO THE LAST DROP."] + + * * * * * + +LINES BY A HAPLESS SWAIN. + + In ancient times, when suitors went to woo, + And heartless maids would send them hopeless back, + Lest the fond swains their courtship should renew, + The cruel belles would tender them the "sack." + + And if one dared again renew the suit, + By ill success made desperate and bolder, + He fared still worse. From pa he gets a boot, + From her poor fellow!--only a cold shoulder. + + Our modern usage in the Court of Love + Is, when the youth by some fair maid is smitten. + In token of his suit he sends a glove; + His suit rejected--she returns a "mitten." + + Such is my hapless case, oh! cruel fair + Who sent this mitten--emblem of my fate; + But why the dickens didn't you send a pair-- + For what's the use of one, without a mate? + + * * * * * + +PROPOSED MATCH. + +The bull-frog weighing six pounds, recently captured at Bedford, Ind. +has been forwarded to the office of Punchinello, where it may now be +seen without charge. We have made arrangements with Mr. Gilmore, late of +the late Boston Coliseum, to put this fine artist through a regular +musical course, and he will appear in the orchestra at the New-York +Beethoven Festival, in a new overture entitled "The Music of the +Marshes." This piece will contain several obligato passages written +expressly for our Bull-Frog. After this, we shall challenge Mr. GEORGE +FRANCIS TRAIN to compete in public speaking with the Frog of +PUNCHINELLO, for a purse of $20,000--Mr. TRAIN to speak ten minutes +solo; the Frog to croak ten minutes; and then both to speak and croak in +duet also for ten minutes--the most sonorous performer to take the +money. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Punchinello Correspondence.] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Maud Miller._--Move to Chicago and get a divorce. No doubt the Judge +would take the hint. + +_Algernon Sw-nb--ne._--We are obliged to decline your contribution. The +verses are very pretty, but the morals of our paper must be preserved. + +_U.S.G._--The expression, "The United States is at peace," is +ungrammatical, but you did perfectly right in writing to Punchinello +before believing it. + +_Susan B. Anth-ny._--You are mistaken. DARWIN nowhere mentions any +process of natural selection by which a woman may in time become a man. + +_Hon. Benj. Disraeli._--The expression, "I will put a head on you," +which you say Prof. G-LDW-N SM-TH uses in a cable dispatch to you, is +merely a slang phrase which he has probably learned from his trainer. + +_Payne Collier._--There is more than one Irishman in SHAKSPEARE. It +appears from the text of _Hamlet_ that he was on the most friendly terms +with the "melancholy Dane," from the familiar way in which the latter +addresses him: + +_Ham._ "Now might I do it, PAT." _(Hamlet, Act III, Scene III.)_ + +It is impossible to say now whether the PAT in question was a Fenian or +not. + +_Jack Ketch._--We think that listening to a debate in the House of +Representatives may fairly be considered the worst form of Capitol +punishment. + +_Potter._--No, no. COLENSO was born in England. Though he was Bishop of +Natal, it was not his Natal place. + +_Poetaster._--Was not HAFIZ a Persian poet. + +_Answer._--Yes. Poor fellow! he spent HAFIZ life in making rhymes. + +_J. F.--y._--Rumor says that Mr. W.B. OGDEN intends to defer commencing +to build the Central Underground Railroad until the new Court House is +finished. + + * * * * * + +WORDS AND THEIR ABUSES. Mr. THURLOW WEED, in an entertaining article in +the _Galaxy_ for May, sheds some long-desired light on the origin of the +term "governor," as employed by filial affection to denote the paternal +parent. On reading this, we were instantly reminded of a little bit of +historical philology which Mr. FROUDE has somehow strangely omitted to +chronicle in that portion of his delightful romance which is founded on +the life of ELIZABETH. This somewhat distinguished lady, in company with +Mrs. STOWE, GRACE DARLING, RALEIGH, Dr. FRANKLIN and others, was once +taking tea by special invitation in the back parlor at Kenilworth, when +the conversation turned on boating. RALEIGH, who, from his experience, +was quite at home on that topic, playfully wagered his best peaked ruff +that LEICESTER could not prevail on either of the ladies there present +to venture with him on the lake in his new ten-oared lap-streak wherry. +The Earl was roughly piqued by this taunt, being secretly proud of his +aquatic accomplishments, and, turning hastily to the Queen, he remarked: + +"And yet the lady lives who ventures wheresoever I may lead." + +"Prithee, brave Earl," interrupted the Queen, in high dudgeon, "will you +impart to us her name?" + +An awkward pause ensued, when LEICESTER, fixing his aquiline eye +piercingly upon ELIZABETH'S face, replied, in a tone of the deepest +respect, "YOU, BET!" + +This expression has ever since held its place as a maxim of polite +conversation. + + * * * * * + +An Irrational Proceeding + +Sending Fenians to Canada without Rations. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration: 'W'] + +WATTS PHILLIPS has written a comprehensive drama, entitled NOT GUILTY, +and the managers of NIBLO'S GARDEN have produced it. Comprehensive is +the best word with which to describe it, since it comprehends an epitome +of English history at home and in the colonies during, a period of ten +years, together with observations on prison discipline, and the +recruiting system, interspersed with comic songs and jokes translated +from the Sanscrit. It is a complete guide in morals and manners for the +young soldier, the intelligent convict, and the aspiring thief. It is +well, it is as follows: + +ACT I. _Curtain rises upon a_ RECRUITING SERGEANT _singing an +unintelligible song to an admiring group of recruits, consisting of six +girls with commendable ankles, and several supes of average +awkwardness. The song ended the recruits retire, and the_ SERGEANT _sits +down to drink with_ ROBERT ARNOLD, _a virtuous locksmith. Enter_ SILAS +GARRETT. + +SILAS. "I will pretend to be drunk. There is no reason why I should, but +still it's a good bit of business." _Staggers and falls on_ ARNOLD. + +ARNOLD. "Wretched being! He deserves nothing, and I will therefore give +him my last half-crown. Now, SERGEANT, I will enlist. Let us go and sing +more unintelligible songs." _They go. Enter_ MRS. ARMITAGE. + +MRS. ARMITAGE. "I am starving. My child has eaten nothing for years. Oh, +sir, give me something!" + +SILAS. "Not I. Go and work. Don't touch me; you look as if you had been +riding in a street car." _Rushes away as though pursued by the wicked +flea_. + +MRS. ARMITAGE. "There is no hope. I will die." _Dies_. + +_Enter_ ARNOLD. "Hallo. Do I see a woman? What is the matter, my +exhausted friend? Please come to life again!" (_She comes to life_.) + +MRS. ARMITAGE. "Neither my child nor I have tasted food for vast and +incalculable periods. Help me." + +ARNOLD. "I will." (_Helps her home, and rushes out to beg. He +successfully strikes a casual supe for five pounds, and remarks_)--"Now +she is saved. I will buy a doll for the child. They can make porridge of +the internal bran." _He goes for the doll, and_ SILAS _re-enters_. + +SILAS. "Here are ARNOLD'S skeleton keys. I will steal them, and rob the +man in the opposite house." _Robs him and is pursued by the police_. + +_Scene 2d_. MRS. ARMITAGE'S _garret. Enter that interesting and hungry +lady_. + +MRS. ARMITAGE. "My child is dead; I will die too." (_Dies_.) + +_Enter_ ARNOLD. "Here is a doll and other delicacies. Come to life again +and eat them." _They come to life and retire to the hall for feasting +and revelry. Enter_ SILAS. + +SILAS. "The police are after me. There is not a moment to lose. I will +therefore stop for an hour and arrange things so as to ensure ARNOLD'S +arrest, and will then escape through the scuttle." (_He arranges things +and then scuttles away. Enter police, after ten minutes of preliminary +howling on the staircase, and discovering_ ARNOLD'S _skeleton keys, +arrest him.) Curtain_. + +_Everybody in the audience_. "I don't begin to see into the plot yet, +but we shall in time." + +ACT II. _Scene, the Quarries, with convicts at work_. They make +elaborate motions with picks at white rocks, and thus dig out +considerable black slate. SILAS has become a Warden, no one knows how. +The convicts sing and enjoy themselves, with the exception of ARNOLD, +who evidently finds prison life too gay and frivolous. Mrs. ARMITAGE, +who has become a fashionable lady--no one knows how-enters with a +procession of nice girls to watch the joyous prisoners. A COMIC CONVICT, +with a fine sense of the fun of the thing, proposes a mutiny. Convicts +all mutiny, and ARNOLD and his comic friend escape. They take refuge in +a busy highway, and the COMIC CONVICT sings comic songs in order to +prevent the police from approaching them. The police--having some little +musical taste, wisely keep at a distance. The two convicts rob a drunken +soldier of his uniform, and, disguised as officers, go to India. The +drunken soldier is arrested as an escaped convict and dragged to prison. +The entire population of Great Britain embark for India in a neat +pasteboard steamer. Exasperating drums beat until the audience becomes +too much confused to notice the astounding evolutions of the military. +After a few hours of this sort of thing some intelligent carpenter +mutinies and drops the curtain. + +_Everybody in the audience_. "I don't begin to see into this plot yet, +but we shall in time." + +ACT III.--_Scene, a garden in India_. The heroine who has been locked up +during the previous acts, by her aunt, escapes from a window by means of +a ladder. She displays much agility, but not a glimpse of ankle. +Consequent disappointment in the audience. Enter ARNOLD--now a +captain--who makes love to her. Enter COLONEL WILLOUGHBY, and at her +earnest request promises not to marry her. The rebellious Sepoys--who +are quite white--attack the GARIBALDI Guard of British Italians, who are +quite dark. Sudden arrival of SILAS, much out of breath through having +run all the way from England. WILLOUGHBY is killed, and SILAS, who looks +precisely like him, (as indeed he ought to, inasmuch as CHARLES WALCOT +plays both characters,) puts on his clothes--trousers excepted--and +takes command of the troops. A pitched battle with fire-crackers--which +are pitched promiscuously on the stage--takes place, with a pleasing +slaughter of the white-faced Sepoys. The drummers become obviously +frantic, and beat their drums as though they were beating the managers +out of a year's salary in advance. The single men of the audience, +deafened by the noise, and choked by the smoke, rush out of the theatre +for air. They return to find the curtain down, and the act ended. + +_Everybody in the audience_. "I don't begin to see into the plot yet, +but we shall in time." + +ACT IV.--_Scene_, COLONEL WILLOUGHBY'S _house in England. Enter_ COMIC +CONVICT _and two old pals_. + +COMIC CONVICT. "I have found the Warden who used to cane us at the +Quarries. We will have him soon." _They hide behind a cabbage. Enter_ +WILLOUGHBY _and_ ARNOLD. + +ARNOLD. "You promised in India to let me marry the heroine." + +WILLOUGHBY. "You lie, you villain, you lie." + +ARNOLD, "My friend, you are sadly changed. Wait a moment, till everybody +comes in and forms a neat group, and I will explain myself." (_Everybody +comes in and forms group_.) + +WILLOUGHBY, "You are a self-proclaimed liar. Proceed!" + +ARNOLD. "You are not WILLOUGHBY. You are--" + +COMIC CONVICT. "SILAS GARRETT, the man who stole the money which ARNOLD +was thought to have stolen. Police, do your duty." (_The police--not +being the real thing, but only supes in police uniform--do their duty +and arrest_ WILLOUGHBY.) _Somebody remarks that_ ARNOLD _is_ NOT GUILTY. +COMIC CONVICT _receives a full pardon, and a matrimonial mania seizes +upon everybody. About this time it occurs to the stage manager that the +play might as well end. Accordingly it ends_. + +_Everybody in the Audience_. "I don't begin to see into the plot yet, +but if some one would explain why Mrs. ARMITAGE became a fashionable +lady with a fondness for looking at convicts; why SILAS became a Warden +and afterwards went to India; why ARNOLD passed himself off upon his +regiment as an officer, merely because he had stolen a private's +clothes; why everybody, whether free or in prison, dead or alive, went +to the Quarries, to India, and back again to WILLOUGHBY'S country-seat +with unfailing unanimity; why, in short, things were as WATTS PHILLIPS +assures us that they were, I might begin to have some idea of what the +play is about." + +But then--the undersigned would respectfully ask--what would one gain by +understanding the play? He would find it noisy and tedious, even if it +were intelligible. The admirable acting of Messrs. OWEN FAWCETT and F.F. +MACKAY, in the slight and subordinate parts allotted to them, would +still be overshadowed by the melodramatic absurdity of Mr. WALCOT. Miss +IRENE GAY could not look prettier than she does, nor could Mrs. WALCOT +be more thoroughly pleasing; but the drums would be just as intolerable, +were the plot as plain as a strong-minded woman. And then, after all, +there are many reasons why WATTS PHILLIPS, when unintelligible, is +decidedly preferable to WATTS PHILLIPS when made plain to the weakest +intellect. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +WHITE LIES. + +Most of the complimentary marble busts of departed heroes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE. + +HEROES OF THE WAR + +HE ROSE BY THE WAR.] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +A few days ago PUNCHINELLO had occasion to call upon that most puissant +chief of the tribe Tammany, known in the Indian vernacular as "Big Six." +P. had a disagreeable presentiment that his path to the throne of this +man's greatness would not be strewn with flowers. He had listened to the +melancholy experience of others who went before and came away not only +with blighted hopes, but soiled garments and abraded shins. +Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO felt that, as it was his duty, he would not be +affrighted by the formidable character of the undertaking, but go and +judge of the difficulties in the way for himself. Accordingly he went. +Arriving within three hundred yards of the portal which conducted to the +charmed circle where "Big Six" held court, he was not astonished at the +spectacle of fourteen hundred Irishmen, twenty-seven Germans, and three +boys, all crowding, in no little confusion, to get a glimpse of the +space behind the door. The approach of PUNCHINELLO was announced by a +portly policeman with a round red nose and a black eye, who hung upon +the outskirts and occasionally cursed those Irishmen who seemed to +forget the proprieties of the place by making such remarks as-- + +"Arrah, PADDY O'NEILL, will ye jist keep aff me toes, or be gorrah I'll +giv' ye a clout in the shnoot." + +"An' do ye take me for a fool, BARNEY RYAN, that I'd be afther lettin' +ye do the like o' that?" + +"Moind yersilves there!" "Howld yer tongues!" "May the divil ate yez! +but the best of yez hashn't the manners of a pig!" Amid such pleasant +ebullitions of Celtic amiability, PUNCHINELLO succeeded in carving his +way to the door, when it suddenly opened, and a tall, lean, cadaverous +man, who looked like the ghost of some Fenian leader, bawled at the top +of his voice: + +"Go an out o' this, all of yiz; Mr. TWADE won't see another of yiz this +blissid day." + +It seemed as though the crowd had only been waiting for this signal; for +they gave one wild shout, and rushed through the open portal like a +pent-up stream breaking its dam. + +PUNCHINELLO felt himself lifted from his feet and whirled along with the +current. Resistance was useless; but being in the van, he was the first +to alight upon the middle of a table covered with papers, before which +sat, in a large arm-chair, his eyes wide open with astonishment, and his +face red with anger, the great Chief of Tammany. + +PUNCHINELLO immediately extricated himself from this ridiculous +situation by rolling on to the floor, with all the grace peculiar to +him. Then, instantly rising, he grasped "Big Six" by the hand, +exclaiming: + +"Beg ten thousand pardons, sir, but it wasn't PUNCHINELLO'S motion that +he should be laid upon the table." + +"No, be Jabers," ejaculated an excited member of the throng; "but it's +me, MOIKE FINNEY, that wud lay ye under it!" + +"Will you hold your tongue!" shouted Big Six. + +"I axes yer Honor's pardon, but be the sowl of me I couldn't help it, +with that 'ere spalpeen sprawlin' ferninst me there among yer Honor's +papers." + +"Put these wretches out," said the Chief, with great dignity, to the +officers in attendance. + +"Mr. TWADE! Mr. TWADE! an' I have Altherman MOONEY'S wurd for it that ye +had that job in the Parek fur me as shure as whiskey's whiskey, so I +have," screamed a voice, growing louder as the officers obeyed the +injunction of the Chief, and forced the crowd back. + +"Och, murther! but I belave it's all a loi, now. I'll see MOONEY, so I +will." + +Perhaps a hundred such appeals, all at the same time, and all with more +or less violence, were hurled at "Big Six," who grasped the back of his +chair with the supreme indifference of a man accustomed to such +experiences, and calmly surveyed the retreating horde until the last man +disappeared across the threshold, and the doors were once again closed. + +"I shall never forget this sight, sir," said PUNCHINELLO. "It's too much +for good nature." + +"Good nature!" exclaimed the Big Ingin, "why, my dear PUNCHINELLO, I +haven't got any of it left. If I had, these cormorants would take me by +violence every day in the week. No, no; good nature, indeed! We who sit +for the distribution of the public patronage want brazen faces and +cast-iron hearts. That's the only way a man can get along here, and if +PUNCHINELLO should ever be so miserable as to go through with what I do, +let him remember what I said about brazen faces and cast-iron hearts;" +and then "Big Six," locking his arm in that of PUNCHINELLO, walked out +of the office by a side door. + + * * * * * + +A MEDICAL MISS. + +Miss MARY EDITH PECHEY, a surgical student of the Edinburgh University, +complains of one of the professors of that institution, a Dr. CRUM +BROWN. This crusty CRUM refuses to award her the HOPE scholarship, and +offers her instead a medal of bronze. Miss PECHEY very properly +characterizes this conduct as that of a brazen meddler who would deprive +her of hope. The quarrel is not yet ended, but it strikingly illustrates +the trouble a Crumb can give when it goes the wrong way. + + * * * * * + +KING CRAFT LOOKING UP. + +Probably many of the present suffering monarchs of Europe, being of a +superstitious turn, and given to the pondering of portents, will be much +revived and stimulated by the news that an animal called "Kingcraft" has +won the Derby against fourteen horses with more republican names. What +astonishes Mr. PUNCHINELLO is, that a steed with such a name should be +reported as having "behaved beautifully throughout the race." With +Kingcraft he has not been accustomed to associate the beautiful, but, on +the other hand, quite the contrary and _vice-versâ_. Still, it must be +admitted that in these latter days, the craft of Kings has frequently +been demonstrated by their talent for running; and nobody can have +forgotten the remarkable time made on his leaving France, by the +fugitive LOUIS PHILLIPPE. When Monsieur L.N.B.'s turn comes he will find +it hard work to beat his predecessor. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +Senate. + +Senator MORTON was wrought up about the sufferings of the Jews in +Roumania. It might be said that it was none of his business, but he +begged to state that many of his constituents were Jews. Under these +circumstances he felt it to be the duty of his blood to boil over the +recital of the wrongs of the Jews in Roumania. + +Mr. SUMNER was of the opinion that it was a gross outrage, as he also +had some Jewish constituents, but as they were not very numerous, the +shrewdness of the Massachusetts Christian being ordinarily an overmatch +for the shrewdness of the 'Ebrew Jew, his blood only simmered softly +over the intelligence. But he had an interest in the question of eternal +justice involved, and he was free to say that it was not correct to fry, +boil, or in any way cook a Jew as a Jew. Mr. SUMNER then sent to the +clerk's desk, and had read the statements of Shylock, which, he +observed, were written by the immortal SHAKSPEARE, relative to the +endowment of the Israelite with the usual limbs and features of other +members of society. + +Mr. SPRAGUE mentioned that the Jews were persecuted because they were +rich. If the Senate were to allow this sort of thing to go on unrebuked, +the whole population of Rhode Island might say of their solvent Senator, +"Come, let us kill him, and the Pequashmeag Mills shall be ours." Let +the Senate think what an awful privation that would be. + +This completely overcame the Senate, and it passed resolutions of +inquiry and indignation. + +The Indian question came up, closely followed by THAYER, (of Nebraska,) +who observed that his constituents had the most rooted objection to +being scalped, and that they did not even contemplate with pleasure the +prospect of having their horses stolen or their habitations burned down. +These feelings were perhaps culpable, but certainly natural, and he +wished the Senate would consider them, if it had any sensibilities to +spare from the wrongs of the red man. + +Mr. MORTON said that he remarked the proceedings of the children of the +forest rather in sorrow than in anger. The forefathers of his eminent +friends, Scalper of the Pale Face, Stealer of Horses, and Blinker at the +Inn, had possessed this continent, and he would not be willing to say +that they had not shown as much sense as the present Congress in +governing it. If the remembrance of their former glories occasionally +instigated them to impale babies and scalp women, we ought to remember +the beautiful hymn which begins, "Speak gently to the erring," and give +them whiskey and gunpowder, instead of treating them with harshness. + +Mr. FERRY was informed that an American citizen had been imprisoned in +St. Domingo, and kept there at the suggestion of a United States +officer, for fear he should divulge matters prejudicial to the little +game for the annexation of that island. + +Mr. CHANDLER said any man who objected to that proposition was a vile +scoundrel who ought to be imprisoned. If he had his way he would have +him hanged. The man who defended such a movement was no better than +himself. The annexation of St. Domingo would lead as to perfect bliss, +and the man who objected to it would murder his aged mother, or even +oppose going to war with Great Britain. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. SCHENCK remarked that his tariff bill had been beaten, but that he +would introduce another bill, which he did. The other bill is the same +bill, except that the duty on medullary sutures is reduced one cent per +million, and the duty on participial adjectives is increased one per +cent, _ad valorem_, which, as SCHENCK observed, would not bear heavily +upon Congressmen. + +Mr. COVODE said this bill ought to be passed, because his colleague Mr. +WOODWARD, was in sympathy with the red-handed rebels who had tried to +displace him, Mr. COVODE. + +Mr. WOODWARD wanted to know what COVODE was talking about. + +The speaker called Mr. WOODWARD to order, upon the ground that it was +notorious that COVODE never talked about anything, and it was +unparliamentary and insulting for one member to interrupt another while +making a confidential communication to his constituents. + +Mr. COVODE further remarked that the bill ought to be passed because all +the members who did not agree with him in his estimation of his +usefulness were opposed to it. + +This affected the House to tears, and they passed the bill, SCHENCK and +KELLEY fell upon one another's neck and exchanged tokens of Ohio +pig-iron and Pennsylvania coal. + + * * * * * + +SONG OF THE MOSQUITO. + + "Home again--home again-- + From a foreign shore! + And oh, it fills my soul with joy, + To greet my friends once more." + [It does, indeed!] + + I bring you no new song, my friends, + I wear no fancy clothes; + I know you love me for myself, + For I believe your oaths! + I feel I'm lovely! When I come + For once you're blest indeed. + I know I'm all in all to you; + For me you gladly bleed! + + Oh, yes! I am a thing of joy! + My tones are passing sweet; + I thrill you with my melody + So simple, yet complete! + "Ah! there he is!" you softly cry, + And breathless watch my flight-- + Unless, indeed, I have you there, + By coming in the night! + + It is not every visitor + Who brings a band along! + Who celebrates his friendliness + In melody and song! + It is a graceful compliment, + Which I can well afford + To those who gladly welcome me-- + And furnish all my board! + + A serenade at dewy eve-- + How grateful to the sense! + Who stays to calculate the cost-- + The paltry recompense! + "What cheerful little sprite is this + That carols as he goes?"-- + You'll learn, my pretty one! when I + Alight upon your nose! + + I would not plead for robbery, + I would not use deceit; + And yet, 'tis plain to candid minds, + Philanthropists must eat! + I dare not taste the juicy grape; + But Nature bids me see + The blood that first was wine in you + May turn to wine in me! + + 'Tis but a tiny drop--a speck,-- + One sip is all I've quaffed! + My plethoric old Wall street friend, + Was it an over draft? + Say rather that you took my stock + To "bear," as oft before, + And now are scratching round to raise + A margin for some more! + + * * * * * + +BOOK NOTICE. + +THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE. New York: NELSON CHESMAN. + +This is a very useful book of reference. In addition to biographical +sketches of certain shrewd men who know the value of advertising and of +being advertised--it contains an American Newspaper Rate Book, and an +American Newspaper Directory. The book is neatly and substantially got +up by G.P. + + * * * * * + +EXTRAORDINARY + +BARGAINS! + +Closing out Sales of + +Ladies', Misses' and Children's Silk, Poplin, +Grenadine, Barege, Linen, Lawn, +Cambric and Pique + +Plain and Braided Suits, Dresses, + +ETC., ETC., + +Of PARIS & DOMESTIC MANUFACTURE. + +Our customers and strangers are respectfully invited to +examine. + +A. T. STEWART & CO., + +Broadway, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & CO. + +HAVE MADE + +A Large Reduction + +In all the prices of + +SILKS, DRESS GOODS, +_Ladies', Misses' and Children's_ + +READY MADE GARMENTS AND +UNDERWEAR, + +_Of Every Description._ + +Millinery, Flowers, Feathers, &c., viz.: + +HEAVY BLACK AND WHITE CHECK SILKS, Fresh +Goods, only $1.23 per yd., recently, $1.75 + +EXTRA HEAVY STRIPED, $1.50 and $1.75, recently $2 +and 2.23. + +A Job Lot of + +JAPANESE POPLINS, at 50 cents per yard, value $1. + +RICH FANCY POPLINS, at 65 cts. per yard, value $1.25. + +A Large Line of + +WASH POPLINS, BAREGES, &c., nice goods only, at +12-1-2 cts. per yard. + +CHINE POPLINS, 3-4 yards wide, reduced to 25 cents. + +WIDE MOHAIR LUSTRES, fine quality, choice seasonable +colors, only 40 Cents. + +LADIES' LINEN SUITS, handsomely trimmed, $8 each +and upward. + +VICTORIA LAWN SUITS, handsomely trimmed, $10 +each and upward. + +Boys' Ready-Made Clothing, + +EMBROIDERIES, LACES, LLAMA LACE +SHAWLS AND SACQUES, + +At Extremely Low Prices. + +BROADWAY, + +4th. Ave., 9th and 1Oth Sts. + + * * * * * + +A. T. STEWART & Co. + +Have made LARGE ADDITIONS to their Stock of + +5-FRAME ENGLISH BRUSSELS + +At $2 per Yard. + +And will offer a Superior Quality of + +English Tapestry Brussels, + +At $1.25 per Yard. + +CROSSLEY'S EXTRA ENGLISH TAPESTRY +BRUSSELS, $1.50 per Yard. + +_Axminsters, Moquettes, Royal Wiltons, Velvets, +Rugs, Mats, English and Domestic Oil-Cloths, +Cocoa and Canton Matting, +Etc., Etc.,_ + +AT EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE PRICES. + +BROADWAY, + +4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. + + * * * * * + +SPECIAL + +PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS. + +By special arrangement with + +L. PRANG & CO., + +we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers to +PUNCHINELLO: + +"Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, +8 3-8 by 11 1-8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for +one year, for $4.00. + +"Wild Roses." 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NESBITT & CO., + +General JOB PRINTERS, + +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, +STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, +CARD Manufacturers, +ENVELOPE Manufacturers, +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. + +163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., +73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. + +ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors. + + * * * * * + +Bowling Green Savings-Bank, + +33 BROADWAY, + +NEW-YORK. + +Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. + + +_Deposit of any sum from Ten Cents to Ten +Thousand Dollars, will be received._ + + +Six Per Cent Interest, Free of +Government Tax. + + +INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS + +Commences on the first of every month. + +HENRY SMITH, _President_. + +REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. + +WALTER ROCHE,) +EDWARD HOGAN,) _Vice-Presidents_. + + * * * * * + +SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER. + +A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHE!--A GREAT +REMEDY FOR INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.-- + +Keeps the blood cool and regulates the stomach. Persons subject to headache +can insure themselves freedom from this malady by drinking it liberally in +the morning before breakfast. + +Sold by JOHN F. HENRY, at the U.S. Family Medical Depot, 8 College Place, +New-York. + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to Oil +Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Flowers of Hope," "Flowers of Memory." +Illustrated catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp. + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston. + + * * * * * + +The New York Standard. + +A Daily Morning Newspaper. + +CONTAINING ALL THE NEWS + +Single Copies, TWO CENTS. +Subscription Price, $6 a Year. + +Published Every Morning, except Sundays, + +at 34 PARK ROW, by + +JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO. + +With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a +paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive +advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. + +OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK. + +Presents to the public for approval, the new + +ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL + +WEEKLY PAPER. + +PUNCHINELLO, + +The first number of which was issue under date of Apr 2. + +PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humourous and witty without +vulgarity, and a satirical without malice. It will be printed on a superior +tinted paper of sixteen pages size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all +respectable news-dealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when +they see it, or by subscription from this office. + +ORIGINAL ARTICLES, + +Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or +sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always +acceptable and will be paid for liberally. + +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. + +TERMS: + +One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 +Single copies 10 + A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the +receipt of ten cents. +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other + magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7 00 + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +P.O. Box, 27383, NEW YORK + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +The New Burlesque Serial, + +Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, + +By + +ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year. + +A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb +illustrations of + +1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. + +2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears +"Every Saturday." will also be found in this number. + +Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office, free,) +Ten Cents. + +Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. + +Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which +promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe +now, to insure its regular receipt weekly. + +We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes to +see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS. + +Address, + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York. + + * * * * * + +Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 9658 *** |