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diff --git a/9636-h/9636-h.htm b/9636-h/9636-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9521b4d --- /dev/null +++ b/9636-h/9636-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2037 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>Punchinello, Volume 1, No 12</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 12, June 18, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 12, June 18, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9636] +Release Date: January, 2006 +First Posted: October 12, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 18, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, David +Widger and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol.1, No. 12 , June 18,1870</h1> + + +<center> +<img alt="titlepage.jpg (283K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="1138" width="763"> +</center> +<br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="002.jpg (275K)" src="images/002.jpg" height="1123" width="779"> +</center> +<br><br><br> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</h2> + +<h4>AN ADAPTATION.</h4> + +<h3>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</h3> + +<p> +CHAPTER III.</p> + +<p>THE ALMS-HOUSE.</p> + +<p>For the purpose of preventing an inconvenient rush of literary +tuft-hunters and sight-seers thither next summer, a fictitious name must +be bestowed upon the town of the Ritualistic church. Let it stand in +these pages as Bumsteadville. Possibly it was not known to the Romans, +the Saxons, nor the Normans by that name, if by any name at all; but +a name more or less weird and full of damp syllables can be of little +moment to a place not owned by any advertising Suburban-Residence +benefactors.</p> + +<p>A disagreeable and healthy suburb, Bumsteadville, with a strange odor of +dried bones from its ancient pauper burial-ground, and many quaint +old ruins in the shapes of elderly men engaged as contributors to the +monthly magazines of the day. Antiquity pervades Bumsteadville; nothing +is new; the very Rye is old; also the Jamaica, Santa Cruz, and a number +of the native maids. A drowsy place, with all its changes lying far +behind it; or, at least, the sun-browned mendicants passing through say +they never saw a place offering so little present change.</p> + +<p>In the midst of Bumsteadville stands the Alms-House; a building of an +antic order of architecture; still known by its original title to the +paynobility and indigentry of the surrounding country, several of +whose ancestors abode there in the days before voting was a certain +livelihood; although now bearing a door-plate inscribed, "Macassar +Female College, Miss CAROWTHERS." Whether any of the country editors, +projectors of American Comic papers, and other inmates of the edifice in +times of yore, ever come back in spirit to be astonished by the manner +in which modern serious and humorous print can be made productive of +anything but penury by publishing True Stories of Lord BYRON and the +autobiographies of detached wives, maybe of interest to philosophers, +but is of no account to Miss CAROWTHERS. Every day, during school-hours, +does Miss CAROWTHERS, in spectacles and high-necked alpaca, preside over +her Young Ladies of Fashion, with an austerity and elderliness +before which every mental image of Man, even as the most poetical of +abstractions, withers and dies. Every night, after the young ladies have +retired, does Miss CAROWTHERS put on a freshening aspect, don a more +youthful low-necked dress—</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> As though a rose<br> + Should leave its clothes<br> + And be a bud again,—</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>and become a sprightlier Miss CAROWTHERS. Every night, at the same hour, +does Miss CAROWTHERS discuss with her First Assistant, Mrs. PILLSBURY, +the Inalienable Bights of Women; always making certain casual reference +to a gentleman in the dim past, whom she was obliged to sue for breach +of promise, and to whom, for that reason, Miss CAROWTHERS airily refers, +with a toleration bred of the lapse of time, as "Breachy Mr. BLODGETT."</p> + +<p>The pet pupil of the Alms-House is FLORA POTTS, of course called the +Flowerpot; for whom a husband has been chosen by the will and bequest of +her departed papa, and at whom none of the other Macassar young ladies +can look without wondering how it must feel. On the afternoon after the +day of the dinner at the boarding-house, the Macassar front-door bell +rings, and Mr. EDWIN DROOD is announced as waiting to see Miss FLORA. +Having first rubbed her lips and cheeks, alternately, with her fingers, +to make them red; held her hands above her head to turn back the +circulation and make them white; and added a little lead-penciling to +her eyebrows to make them black; the Flowerpot trips innocently down +to the parlor, and stops short at some distance from the visitor in a +curious sort of angular deflection from the perpendicular.</p> + +<p>"O, you absurd creature!" she says, placing a finger in her mouth and +slightly wriggling at him. "To go and have to be married to me whether +we want to or not! It's perfectly disgusting."</p> + +<p>"Our parents <i>did</i> rather come a little load on us," says EDWIN DROOD, +not rendered enthusiastic by his reception.</p> + +<p>"Can't we get a <i>habeas corpus</i>, or some other ridiculous thing, and ask +some perfectly absurd Judge to serve an injunction on somebody?" she +asks, with pretty earnestness. "Don't, Eddy—do-o-n't." "Don't what, +FLORA?" "Don't try to kiss me, please." "Why not, FLORA?" "Because I'm +enameled." "Well, I do think," says EDWIN DROOD, "that you put on the +Grecian Bend rather heavily with me. Perhaps I'd better go."</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't be so exquisitely hateful, Eddy. I got the gum-drops last +night, and they were perfectly splendid."</p> + +<p>"Well, that's a comfort, at any rate," says her affianced, dimly +conscious of a dawning civility in her last remark. "If it's really +possible for you to walk on those high heels of yours, FLORA, let's try +a promenade out-doors."</p> + +<p>Here Miss CAROWTHERS glides into the room to look for her scissors, is +reminded by the scene before her of Breachy Mr. BLODGETT; whispers, +"Don't trifle with her young affections, Mr. DROOD, unless you want to +be sued, besides being interviewed by all the papers;" and glides out +again with a sigh.</p> + +<p>FLORA then puts upon her head a fig-leaf trimmed with lace and ribbon, +and gets her hoop and stick from behind the hall-door. EDWIN DROOD takes +from one of his pockets an india-rubber ball, to practice fly-catches +with as he walks; and driving the hoop and throwing and catching the +ball, the two go down the ancient turnpike of Bumsteadville together.</p> + +<p>"Oh, please, EDDY, scrape yourself close to the fences, so that the +girls can't see you out of the windows," pleads FLORA. "It's so utterly +absurd to be walking with one that one's got to marry whether one likes +it or not; and you do look so perfectly ridiculous in that short coat, +and all your other things so tight."</p> + +<p>He gloomily scrapes against the fences, dropping his ball and catching +it on the rebound at every step. "Which way shall we go?" "Up by the +store, EDDY, dear."</p> + +<p>They go to the all-sorts country store in question, where EDWIN DROOD +buys her some sassafras bull's-eye candy, and then they turn toward home +again.</p> + +<p>"Now be a good-tempered EDDY," she says, trundling her hoop beside him, +"and pretend that you aren't going to be my husband." "Not if I can help +it," he says, catching the ball almost spitefully. "Then you're going to +have somebody else?" "You make my head ache, so you do," whispers EDWIN +DROOD. "I don't want to marry anybody at all!"</p> + +<p>She tickles him under the arm with her hoop-stick, and turns eyes that +are all serious upon his. "I wish, EDDY, that we could be perfectly +absurd friends to each other, instead of utterly ridiculous engaged +people. It's exquisitely awful, you know, to have a husband picked out +for you by dead folks, and I'm so sick about it sometimes that I hardly +have the heart to fix my back-hair. Let each of us forbear, and stop +teasing the other."</p> + +<p>Greatly pleased by this perfectly intelligent and forgiving arrangement, +EDWIN DROOD says: "You're right, FLORA, Teasing is played out;" and +drives his ball into a perfect frenzy of bounces.</p> + +<p>They have arrived near the Ritualistic church, through the windows of +which come the organ-notes of one practising within. Something familiar +in the grand air rolling out to them causes EDWIN DROOD to repeat, +abstractedly, "I feel—I feel—I feel—-"</p> + +<p>FLORA, simultaneously affected in the same way, unconsciously +murmurs,—-"I feel like a morning star."</p> + +<p>They then join hands, under the same irresistible spell, and take +dancing steps, humming, in unison, "Shoo, fly! don't bodder me."</p> + +<p>"That's JACK BUMSTEAD'S playing," whispers EDWIN DROOD; "and he must be +breathing this way, too, for I can smell the cloves."</p> + +<p>"O, take me home," cries FLORA, suddenly throwing her hoop over the +young man's neck, and dragging him violently after her. "I think cloves +are perfectly disgusting."</p> + +<p>At the door of the Alms-House the pretty Flowerpot blows a kiss to +EDWIN, and goes in. He makes one trial of his ball against the door, and +goes off. She is an in-fant, he Js an off-'un.</p> + +<br><<br><br> + +<p>CHAPTER IV.</p> + +<p>MR. SWEENEY.</p> + +<p>Accepting the New American Cyclopædia as a fair standard of +stupidity—although the prejudice, perhaps, may arise rather from the +irascibility of the few using it as a reference, than from the calm +judgment of the many employing it to fill-out a showy book-case—then +the newest and most American Cyclopædist in Bumsteadville is Judge +SWEENEY.</p> + +<p>[Footnote: Mr. SAPBEA, the original of this character In Mr. DICKENS' +romance, is an auctioneer. The present Adapter can think of no nearer +American equivalent, in the way of a person at once resident in a suburb +and who sells to the highest bidder, than a supposable member of the New +York judiciary.]</p> + +<p>It is Judge SWEENEY'S pleasure to found himself upon Father DEAN, whom +he greatly resembles in the intellectual details of much forehead, +stomach, and shirt-collar. When upon the bench in the city, even, +granting an injunction in favor of some railroad company in which he +owns a little stock, he frequently intones his accompanying remarks +with an ecclesiastical solemnity eminently calculated to suppress every +possible tendency to levity in the assembled lawyers; and his discharge +from arrest of any foreign gentleman brought before him for illegal +voting, has often been found strikingly similar in sound to a pastoral +Benediction.</p> + +<p>That Judge SWEENEY has many admirers, is proved by the immense local +majority electing him to judicial eminence; and that the admiration is +mutual is likewise proved by his subsequent appreciative dismissal of +certain frivolous complaints against a majority of that majority +for trifling misapprehensions of the Registry law. He is a portly, +double-chinned man of about fifty, with a moral cough, eye-glasses +making even his red nose seem ministerial, and little gold ballot-boxes, +locomotives, and five-dollar pieces, hanging as "charms" from the chain +of his Repeater.</p> + +<p>Judge SWEENEY'S villa is on the turnpike, opposite the Alms-House, with +doors and shutters giving in whichever direction they are opened; and he +is sitting near a table, with a sheet of paper in his hand, and a bowl +of warm lemon tea before him, when his servant-girl announces "Mr. +BUMSTEAD."</p> + +<p>"Happy to see you, sir, in my house, for the first time," is Judge +SWEENEY'S hospitable greeting.</p> + +<p>"You honor me, sir," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, whose eyes are set, as though he +were in some kind of a fit, and who shakes hands excessively. "You are +a good man, sir. How do you do, sir? Shake hands again, sir. I am very +well, sir, I thank you. Your hand, sir. I'll stand by you, sir—though I +never spoke t' you b'fore in my life. Let us shake hands, sir."</p> + +<p>But instead of waiting for this last shake, Mr. BUMSTEAD abruptly turns +away to the nearest chair, deposits his hat in the very middle of the +seat with great care, and recklessly sits down upon it.</p> + +<p>The lemon tea in the bowl upon the table is a fruity compound, +consisting of two very thin slices of lemon, which are maintained in +horizontal positions, for the free action of the air upon their upper +surfaces, by a pint of whiskey procured for that purpose. About half a +pint of hot water has been added to help soften the rind of the lemon, +and a portion of sugar to correct its acidity.</p> + +<p>With a wave of the hand toward this tropical preserve, Judge SWEENEY +says: "You have a reputation, sir, as a man of taste. Try some lemon +tea."</p> + +<p>Energetically, if not frantically, his guest holds out a tumbler to be +filled, immediately after which he insists upon shaking hands again. +"You're a man of insight, sir," he says, working Judge SWEENEY back and +forth in his chair. "I <i>am</i> a man of taste, sir, and you know the world, +sir."</p> + +<p>"The <i>World</i>?" says Judge SWEENEY, complacently. "If you mean the +religious female daily paper of that name, I certainly do know it. I +used to take it for my late wife when she was trying to learn Latin."</p> + +<p>"I mean the terrestrial globe, sir," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, irritably. +"The great spherical foundation, sir, upon which Boston has since been +built."</p> + +<p>"Ah, I see," says Judge SWEENEY, genially, "I believe, though, that I +know that world, also, pretty well; for, if I have not exactly been to +foreign countries, foreign countries have come to me. They have come to +me on—hem!—business, and I have improved my opportunities. A man comes +to me from a vessel, and I say 'Cork,' and give him Naturalization +Certificates for himself and his friends. Another comes, and I say +'Dublin;' another, and I say 'Belfast.' If I want to travel still +further, I take them all together and say 'the Polls.'"</p> + +<p>"You'll do to travel, sir," responds Mr. BUMSTEAD, abstractedly helping +himself to some more lemon tea; "but I thought we were to talk about the +late Mrs. SWEENEY."</p> + +<p>"We were, sir," says Judge SWEENEY, abstractedly removing the bowl to a +sideboard on his farther side. "My late wife, young man, as you may be +aware, was a Miss HAGGERTY, and was imbued with homage to Shape. It was +rumored, sir, that she admired me for my Manly Shape. When I offered to +make her my bride, the only words she could articulate were, "O, my! +<i>I</i>?"—meaning that she could scarcely believe that I really meant +<i>her</i>. After which she fell into strong hysterics. We were married, +despite certain objections on the score of temperance by that corrupt +Radical, her father. From looking up to me too much she contracted an +affection of the spine, and died about nine months ago. Now, sir, be +good enough to run your eye over this Epitaph, which I have composed for +the monument now erecting to her memory."</p> + +<p>Mr. BUMSTEAD, rousing from a doze for the purpose, fixes glassy eyes +upon the slip of paper held out to him, and reads as follows:</p> + +<p> MARY ANN,</p> + +<p> Unlitigating and Unliterary Wife of</p> + +<p> HIS HONOR, JUDGE SWEENEY.</p> + +<p> In the darkest hours of</p> + +<p> Her Husband's fortunes</p> + +<p> She was never once tempted to Write for</p> + +<p> THE TRIBUNE, THE INDEPENDENT, or THE RIVERSIDE MAGAZINE:</p> + +<p> Nor did even a disappointment about a</p> + +<p> new bonnet ever induce her to</p> + +<p> threaten her husband with</p> + +<p> AN INDIANA DIVORCE.</p> + +<p> STRANGER, PAUSE,</p> + +<p> and consider if thou canst say</p> + +<p> the same about</p> + +<p> THINE OWN WIFE!</p> + +<p> If not,</p> + +<p> WITH A RUSH RETIRE.</p> + +<p> +Mr. BUMSTEAD, affected to tears, interspersed with nods, by his reading, +has barely time to mutter that such a wife was too good to live long in +these days, when the servant announces that "MCLAUGHLIN has come, sir."</p> + +<p>JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, who now enters, is a stone-cutter and mason, much +employed in patching dilapidated graves and cutting inscriptions, +and popularly known in Bumsteadville, on account of the dried mortar +perpetually hanging about him, as "Old Mortarity." He is a ricketty man, +with a chronic disease called bar-roomatism, and so very grave-yardy in +his very '<i>Hic</i>' that one almost expects a <i>jacet</i> to follow it as a +matter of course.</p> + +<p>"JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," says Judge SWEENEY, handing him the paper with the +Epitaph, "there is the inscription for the stone."</p> + +<p>"I guess I can get it all on, sir," says MCLAUGHLIN. "Your servant, Mr. +BUMSTEAD."</p> + +<p>"Ah, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, how are you?" says Mr. BUMSTEAD, his hand with the +tumbler vaguely wandering toward where the bowl formerly stood. "By the +way, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, how came you to be called 'Old Mortarity'? It +has a drunken sound, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, like one of Sir WALTER SCOTT'S +characters disguised in liquor."</p> + +<p>"Never you mind about that," says MCLAUGHLIN. "I carry the keys of the +Bumsteadville[1] churchyard vaults, and can tell to an atom, by a tap +of my trowel, how fast a skeleton is dropping to dust in the pauper +burial-ground. That's more than they can do who call me names." With +which ghastly speech JOHN MCLAUGHLIN retires unceremoniously from the +room.</p> + +<p>Judge SWEENEY now attempts a game of backgammon with the man of taste, +but becomes discouraged after Mr. BUMSTEAD has landed the dice in his +vest-opening three times running and fallen heavily asleep in the middle +of a move. An ensuing potato salad is made equally discouraging by +Mr. BUMSTEAD'S persistent attempts to cut up his handkerchief in it. +Finally, Mr. BUMSTEAD[2] wildly finds his way to his feet, is plunged +into profound gloom at discovering the condition of his hat, attempts to +leave the room by each of the windows and closets in succession, and at +last goes tempestuously through the door by accident.</p> + +<p>[<i>To be Continued.</i>]</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3> +Wanted for the Lecture-Room.</h3> + +<p>Beloit, in Wisconsin, boasts a wife who has not spoken to her husband +for fifteen years. Fifteen long years! Happy man!—happy woman! No +insanity, no divorce, no murder, but Silence. Why isn't this wondrous +woman brought to the platform, Miss ANTHONY?</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<p>[Footnote 1: Certain fancied points of resemblance having led some +persons to suppose that Bumsteadville means Rochester, the Adapter is +impelled to declare that such is <i>not</i> the case.]</p> + +<p>[Footnote 2: In compliance with the modern demand for fine realistic +accuracy in art, the Adapter, previous to making his delineation of Mr. +BUMSTEAD public, submitted it to the judgment of a physician having +a large practice amongst younger journalists and Members of the +Legislature. This authority, after due critical inspection, +pronounced it psychologically correct as a study of monomania a potu.]</p> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<center> +<img alt="003.jpg (189K)" src="images/003.jpg" height="807" width="644"> +</center> +<br><br> +<center><h2> +THE JOYS OF SUMMER.</h2></center> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> I've Had my annual dream<br> + Of boats and fishing, Congress-water, cream,<br> + Strawberry-shortcake, lager-bier, iced punch,<br> + And lobster-salad lunch.</p> + +<p> It came about midday,<br> + Toward the latter part of "flowering May"—<br> + When nothing's fit to eat, or drink, or wear,<br> + And nothing suits but air.</p> + +<p> Let Summer come! said I;<br> + Let <i>something</i> happen quick, or I shall die!<br> + I want to change my diet, clothes,—my skin,—<br> + <i>Myself</i>, if not a sin!</p> + +<p> (<i>One</i> thing, I would remark,<br> + I didn't dream of: that was Central Park.)<br> + All these (the Park included) I have had;<br> + Of course you think I'm glad.</p> + +<p> No, I can't say I am.<br> + Your summer, I must tell you, is a sham!<br> + I <i>might</i>, perhaps, have some poetic flights,<br> + If I could sleep o' nights!</p> + +<p> But who on earth <i>can</i> sleep<br> + When the thermometer's so awful steep?<br> + The night, if anything, (at least <i>our</i> way,)<br> + Is hotter than the day!</p> + +<p> And then—my stars!—<i>oh</i>, then!<br> + When sleep would kindly visit weary men,<br> + The dread mosquito stings away his rest.<br> + Ah-h-h! <i>curse</i> that pest!</p> + +<p> But breakfast comes,—so soon<br> + You almost wish they'd put it off till noon!<br> + Five minutes' sleep—no appetite—no force:<br> + You're jolly, now, of course!</p> + +<p> You sip your breakfast tea—<br> + If with your qualmy stomach 'twill agree,<br> + Or your weak coffee,—weighing, with dismay,<br> + The prospects of the day.</p> + +<p> Hot! you may well say Hot,<br> + When Blistering would hit it to a dot!<br> + The cheerful round is brilliantly begun—<br> + And everything "well done."</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + +<p><i>Down East</i>.—"The Earthly Paradise" is published in Boston. The scene +of the poem is laid elsewhere.</p> + +<p><i>Miner</i>.—"Pan in Wall Street" was written by E.C. STEDMAN. The pan +spoken of is not suitable for miners' use.</p> + +<p><i>Autograph Collector</i> says that he has seen in the papers such +statements as the following: "LOWELL'S Under the Willows," "WHITTIER'S +Among the Hills," "PUMPELLY'S Across America and Asia." A.C. wants the +post-office address of either or all of tho gentlemen named. We are +unable to give the information desired.</p> + +<p><i>Constant Reader</i>.—What is the meaning of the word "Herc"?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>.—It is the popular name of one of our Assurance Companies, +only known to its intimate friends. The other name is the "<i>Hercules</i>."</p> + +<p><i>Erie</i>.—You have been misinformed. Mr. FISK neither appeared as an +Admiral, nor as one of the "Twelve Temptations," at the Reception of the +Ninth Regiment.</p> + +<p><i>Inquirer</i>.—The free translation of the legend, "<i>Ratione aut vi</i>," on +the Ninth Regiment Badge, is "Strong in rations."</p> + +<p><i>Wall Street</i> asks, "Who are interested in PUNCHINELLO?" Though the +question is not very business-like, we reply, "Every one;" and we are +receiving fresh acquisitions daily.</p> + +<p><i>Bergh</i>.—Was the English nightingale ever introduced into this country?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>.—We cannot say. You had better go to FLORENCE for information +on the subject.</p> + +<p><i>R.G. White</i>.—It was a happy thought of yours to apply to PUNCHINELLO +for information regarding Shaksperean readings. To your first question, +"Was SHAKSPEARE'S RICHARD III a gourmand?" we reply: undoubtedly he +was. By adopting what is obviously the correct reading of the +passage—"Shadows to-night," etc., it will be seen that "DICKON" was +occasionally a sufferer from heavy suppers:</p> + +<p> ——"Shad-roes to-night + Have struck more terror to the soul of RICHARD."</p> + +<p>Then, to your second query, "Was SHAKSPEARE'S RICHARD III a cannibal?" +our answer is: Certainly he was. Following the above quotation we have +the line, "Than can the substance," etc. The proper reading is:</p> + +<p> "Then Can the substance of ten thousand soldiers."</p> + +<p>Famine was staring RICHARD'S army in the face, so that nothing could +be more natural and proper than that he should have issued orders to +butcher ten thousand of his lower soldiers, and have their meat canned +for the subsistence of his "Upper Ten!"</p> + +<p><i>Knife</i>.—You have been misinformed. General BUTLER was not a +participator in the Battle of Five Forks, though more than that number +of Spoons has been laid to his charge.</p> + +<p><i>Anxious Parent</i>.—Probably the publication to which you refer is the +one entitled "Freedom of the Mind in Willing," not "Freedom of the Will +in Minding." It is not written for the encouragement of recalcitrant +boys.</p> + +<p><i>Confectioner</i>, (San Francisco.)—Mr. BEECHER, who wrote the article on +candy, in the <i>Ledger</i>, lives in Brooklyn, a town of some importance not +far from this city.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3> +The Nose and the Rose.</h3> + +<p>The pink-lined parasols now in fashion were devised by some thoughtful +improver of woman, to enhance beauty by imparting a roseate hue to the +complexion. Unfortunately, however, the reflection from the pink +silk does not always reach the face at the right angle. Sometimes it +concentrates altogether upon the most prominent feature of the face, and +then "Red in the Nose is She" becomes applicable to the bearer of the +parasol. <i>Couleur de rose</i> is an expression for all that is lovely and +serene, but the rose must not be worn on the nose.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3> +Going him one Better.</h3> + +<p>The only difference between the Colossus of Rhodes and King HENRY VIII +was that while Colossus was only a <i>won</i>der, King H. was a <i>Tu</i>dor.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<img alt="004.jpg (50K)" src="images/004.jpg" height="451" width="310"> + +</td><td> +<p>R. J. H. M'VICKER has for some years past conducted a Chicago theatre, +of which he has been lessee, manager, and stock company. The Chicago +people have liked M'VICKER'S Theatre, because it has occasionally +treated them to the novel sensation of a comparatively moral +performance. Occasional morality deftly inserted in the midst of a +season of seductive legs, produces the same effect upon a Chicago +audience that a naughty <i>opera bouffe</i> does upon the New York lovers +of the legitimate drama. In either case there is the charm of foreign +novelty; a charm, however, which soon loses its attraction. <i>Opera +bouffe</i> in New York, and the moral drama in Chicago, can enjoy but a +temporary success. The former city will always return to its love of +standard comedies and SHAKSPEAREAN tragedies, and the latter will sooner +or later clamor for its accustomed legs and its favorite dramas of +bigamy and divorce.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>Mr. M'VICKER, having read of the MCFARLAND trial, immediately conceived +the happy idea that the time had come when a Chicago actor would please +a New York audience. Ha therefore flew to this city, by way of the +Mississippi river and the New Orleans and Havana steamships, and last +week made a debut at BOOTH'S Theatre. With an astuteness which reflects +great credit upon his ability as a manager, he astonished the audience, +which had assembled to be shocked by a genuine Chicago performance, +by playing a part which fairly bristles with unnecessarily obtrusive +morality. Thus did he present a double attraction. A Chicago actor would +have been sure, in any case, of the support of the Free Love Press; but +a moral Chicago actor is a surprise which appeals irresistibly to the +love of novelty which exists in the theatre-going breast. The play +in which he made his first appearance here, is entitled "Taking the +Chances," and is from the pen of Mr. CHARLES GAYLER, to whom Dr. WATTS +so beautifully referred in those touching verses:</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<p> "Gayler, the Troubadour,<br> + Touched his guitar,"</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>—and further language to a like effect. Mr. M'VICKER sustained the +character of "PETER POMEROY," one of those oppressive rural Yankees +whose mission seems to be to drive young men into the paths of vice, by +representing virtue as inextricably associated with home-spun garments, +and the manners of an uneducated bull in an unprotected china shop. The +following version of the play will be recognized as literally exact, by +all who have not seen the original.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +Taking the Chances.</h2> + +<p>ACT I.</p> + +<p>MR. POMEROY, <i>a Preposterous Uncle, who regards his nephew</i>, PETER, <i>as +a desirable person.</i> "My dear PETER will he here in a few moments. His +presence will be a real blessing."</p> + +<p>MRS. POMEROY. "I am sorry to hear it. He breaks furniture and things, +and I don't like him."</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> IRRELEVANT PEOPLE, <i>who make unnecessary remarks, and obviously +exist only to meet</i> PETER. <i>Finally</i> PETER <i>enters, in butternut +clothing and a condition of chronic moral perfection.</i></p> + +<p>PETER. "Jewhillikins! Haow de du, Unkil? Haow are ye, Aunt DEB? Haow is +everybody? Our pigs and chickens and garden-sass is all doin' well." +—<i>Falls on a chair.</i></p> + +<p>PREPOSTEROUS UNCLE. "Dear, noble, manly fellow."</p> + +<p>EVERYBODY ELSE. "Unbearable brute."</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> BLANCHE POMEROY. "Do I see my dear cousin? I am glad to see you, +but please don't tear all of my dress to pieces."</p> + +<p>PETER. "<i>Jewhillikins!</i>" "You used to not to mind abaout havin' your +frock torn when you was up at Graniteville. But I s'pose society has +sp'iled you."</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN, <i>and whispers to</i> BLANCHE—"To-night you must +fly with me. We have not a moment to lose."</p> + +<p>PETER. "<i>Jewhillikins!</i> That is the chap that deserted his wife in +Graniteville? I'll fix him."</p> + +<p>PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN. "What do I see? A virtuous rustic? Confusion! Can he +suspect me?"</p> + +<p>PETER <i>devotes himself to the virtuous task of insulting every person in +the room, thereby proving how much superior a cow-boy from New Hampshire +is to the wretched resident of the city, whom fate has made a base +and villainous gentleman. The</i> PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN <i>goes through with +a complicated fit of St. Vitus's Dance, by way of preserving a cool +exterior, and thus allaying the suspicions of</i> PETER. <i>Various</i> TEDIOUS +PEOPLE <i>enter and converse tediously with the</i> IRRELEVANT PEOPLE. <i>After +a time the stage-carpenters suddenly decide to lower the curtain, and +thus put an end to an act that might otherwise go on forever.</i></p> + +<p> +ACT II.</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> PETER. "Jewhillikins! This is a nice garden. What pesky villains +all these people must be, considerin' that they wear good clothes and +don't break the furnitoor. There's that chap that deserted his wife. +I'll fix him."—<i>Hides himself in an arbor.</i></p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN.—"Confusion! Can the bumpkin suspect me? In +order to avert suspicion, I will confide everything to the friendly +air."—<i>Relates his past life and future plans, at the top of his lungs, +and then returns to the house.</i></p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> PREPOSTEROUS UNCLE, <i>and various</i> TEDIOUS PEOPLE, <i>who all want +to marry</i> BLANCHE. <i>They converse tediously and go away again. Applause! +Enter</i> BLANCHE <i>and</i> PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN.</p> + +<p>PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN.—"Confusion! Can the bumpkin suspect me? BLANCHE, we +must fly to-night. Not a moment is to be lost."</p> + +<p><i>Re-enter</i> PETER. "Jewhillikins! BLANCHE, I want to talk a spell with +yon."—To PLAUSTBLE VILLAIN "Go into the haouse, will you?"—<i>He goes</i>.</p> + +<p>BLANCHE, "What do you want, PETER? Why do you tear my dress, and scratch +your head so persistently?"</p> + +<p>PETER. "Jewhillikins! That feller you love is a scoundrel. I'll prove +it. Will you believe it after it's proved?"</p> + +<p>BLANCHE, (<i>With a fine sense of what is truly womanly</i>.) "Of course I +won't believe it. I despise proofs and arguments."</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> TEDIOUS PEOPLE <i>and</i> IREELEVANT PEOPLE. <i>They converse more +tediously and irrelevantly than before. At last the carpenters, who have +been out for beer, return and drop the curtain.</i></p> + +<p> +ACT III.</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> PETER, <i>in the clothes of an ordinary Christian. He practices a +frightful dance, and remarks at intervals,</i> "Jewhillikins."</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> BLANCHE <i>and</i> PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN. <i>The latter notices</i> PETER, +<i>with convulsive alarm.</i></p> + +<p>PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN. "Confusion! Can he suspect me? BLANCHE, we must fly +at once. There is not a moment to lose."</p> + +<p><i>Enter</i> EVERYBODY. <i>A quadrille is formed.</i> PETER <i>dances and falls +over everybody else. The quadrille ends.</i> PETER <i>rises and remarks, +"Jewhillikins." He goes out and returns, bringing the</i> PLAUSIBLE +VILLAIN'S <i>wife with him. The</i> PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN <i>repents.</i> BLANCHE +<i>consents to marry</i> PETER. <i>Various preposterous engagements are entered +into by the</i> TEDIOUS <i>and the</i> IRRELEVANT PEOPLE. <i>And at last the play +is over.</i></p> + +<p>COMIC MAN <i>among the audience.</i> "Why should M'VICKER think a man a +scoundrel, who deserts his wife and tries to marry another? Don't he +come from Chicago?"</p> + +<p>2D COMIC MAN.—"Don't SHERIDAN," (who plays the PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN,) +"look as if he wished he were 'twenty miles away' when PETER denounces +him?"</p> + +<p>And the bystanders smile weakly, as though they had heard a good joke on +SHERIDAN, and retire slowly toward their homes, evidently exhausted by +the oppressive virtue of the intolerable Yankee boor, whom M'VICKER +plays so well that the respectable portion of the audience is almost +inclined to overlook the wretchedness of the part in admiration of the +skill of the actor.</p> + +<p>MATADOR.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3> +Cue-rious Rumor.</h3> + +<p>That the Sound steamers are to be furnished with billiard tables for +the amusement of passengers between New York and Boston. This report, +however, is flatly contradicted, and we have neither charity nor chalk +for the man who would make a statement so groundless.<br> +GEORGE FRANCIS, THE UBIQUITOUS.</p> + +<p>Amidst all the chances and changes of this chequered, and, in some +respects, lugubrious life, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has the perennial consolation +of one friendship, which promises to be immortal, and over which time +and space hold no sway. Need we say that we are alluding to the tender +emotions which crowd our bosom whenever we hear of Mr. GEORGE FRANCIS +TRAIN! And lest our love for him should grow colder, this considerate +gentleman allows us to hear from him almost daily. To be sure he is like +some great antediluvian grasshopper, and seems capable of spanning this +almost boundless continent at a leap. He is in Maine in the morning—he +is making a speech in Minnesota when the evening shades prevail; but +wherever he is, the roll of his eloquence reaches us, and however busy +he may be, he is never too busy to write letters to tho newspapers. The +great man comes very near to solving the problem heretofore considered +insoluble, of being in two places at once. Two, did we say? Absurd! +Three, four, five, half a dozen! What a man! Jumping here! Leaping +there! Skipping North! Vaulting South! Skimming (like a CAMILLA in +pantaloons) over the plains of the West! Then, as if by magic, whirling +himself to the East! A man, did we say? Bah! GEORGE FRANCIS is clearly +one of the immortals.</p> + +<p>Clearly! JUPITER used to be rather lavish of electricity, but he did but +a small retail business in it, compared with our dear GEORGE FRANCIS, +the demi-god, who, when he is not talking with sublime garrulity, is +telegraphing without regard to expense. Evidently it has dawned upon the +mind (if he has any,) of this extraordinary being, that the world, in +none of its quarters, can get along without him, and that the newspaper +which does not mention his name must be stale, flat, and unprofitable. +Wherefore he takes order that every newspaper shall print the wonderful +name as often as possible. Whether he be laughed at, sneered at, sworn +at, the virtue of the mere mention remains the same.</p> + +<p>The last we heard from GEORGE FRANCIS, he was, (to use his own choice +language,) "away up here on the Chippewa," beseeching the lumber men, +with all the charm of his inimitable eloquence, to vote him into the +Presidential chair. "I am waking up these boys for 1872," writes the +valuable phenomenon. Unto "millers, rafters, choppers, and jammers," +this Fountain of Oratory has gushed forth his "four hundred and +twenty-first consecutive Presidential lecture." Imagine a possible scene +upon a raft! GEORGE FRANCIS, mounted upon a whiskey-barrel, is making +all the air resonant with rhetoric. The "rafters" are swearing! +The "choppers" are cursing! The "jammers" are most reprehensibly +blaspheming! The enormous mass floats onward, and "TRAIN!" the floods, +"TRAIN!" the forests, "TRAIN!" the overarching skies resound! No +miserable hall, no narrow street, no "pent-up Utica" contracts the +power of this miraculous elocutionist—his auditorium seems to be a +hemisphere—his audience all mankind! ORPHEUS singing moved rocks +and trees. Great GEORGE spouting subdues all the inhabitants of the +wilderness. Timid deer trip to the shore to listen; ferocious bears, +catching the echo, shed tears of penitence; all creatures of the roaring +kind acknowledge themselves surpassed and silenced; the whispering pines +whisper all the more softly, as if ashamed of their own verbal weakness. +All speeches, even the speeches of a TRAIN, must come to an end; and +having ended, the floating DEMOSTHENES sits down to write to the +newspapers, that he has just been delivered of his four-hundred-and- +twenty-second, and is as well as could be expected.</p> + +<p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO has, in his day, been considered talkative; but he +feels, as he listens to GEORGE FRANCIS, that he is himself a marvel of +taciturnity—that in the noble art of sounding his own trumpet he is +a mere child—that as a contributor to the public amusement he is in +danger of falling into paltry insignificance. Alas! he is not the +marvellous mountebank which he has heretofore considered himself to be; +and the nonsense upon which he so prided himself, in comparison with +the nonsense of GEORGE FRANCIS, sinks into the most melancholy and +insufferable wisdom. He looks forward to the future with a fear lest he +may descend to the depths of serious and slow solemnity. When he has +arrived at that deplorable stage of decay, he wishes it to be understood +that his drum and trumpet are at the service of Mr. GEORGE FRANCIS +TRAIN.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="005.jpg (115K)" src="images/005.jpg" height="674" width="518"> +</center> +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +ASSOCIATED PRESS TELEGRAMS.</h2> + +<p>It is well known that there is a leak in the Associated Press Office. In +point of fact there always is a leak. Why any one should think it worth +while to steal the Associated Press cable dispatches is a mystery, +when they could be manufactured in any newspaper office with much less +trouble. The following dispatches are a fair sample of the ordinary +cable news which is sent to the Association. "We need hardly say that +they were not stolen from Mr. SIMONTON, but we will say, as we +have already said, that there is a leak. A word to the wise is +sufficient—though, of course, by the expression, 'the wise,' we do not +mean any reference to the London agent of the Associated Press."</p> + +<p> +LONDON, June 6. The <i>Times</i> of to-day has a paragraph on the big trees +of California.</p> + +<p>MR. SMALLEY denies that he ever wore a hat resembling that of GUSTAVE +FLOURENS.</p> + +<p>A boy has been arrested for picking pockets in Oxford Street.</p> + +<p>JOHN SMITH, proprietor of a coffee and cake saloon in Ratcliffe Highway, +has gone into bankruptcy.</p> + +<p>It is believed that if the Tories should oust the present cabinet, they +would come into power.</p> +<br><br> +<p>PARIS, June 7. There are rumors as to the health of the Emperor +NAPOLEON.</p> + +<p>Yesterday a man is said to have cried, "<i>Vive la Republique!</i>" in his +back-yard.</p> +<br><br> +<p>ROME, June, 8. The Ecumenical Council is still in session.</p> + +<p>There are more strangers in Rome than there have been at times when the +number was less.</p> +<br><br> +<p>ALEXANDRIA, June 8. Several vessels have passed through the Suez Canal +since its completion.</p> + +<p>The Suez Canal is by some regarded as a success. Others think it a +failure.</p> +<br><br> +<p>CALCUTTA, June 6. A native was killed by a tiger near Bundelcund +eighteen months ago.</p> +<br><br> +<p>YOKOHAMA, June 6. The P. & O. Steamer Bombay has run down and sunk the +U.S. Sloop Oneida.</p> +<br><br> +<p>ST. PETERSBURGH, June 7. Some discontent was caused by the emancipation +of the serfs.</p> +<br><br> +<p>BERLIN, June 8. BISMARCK has notified the Upper House that no +exemplification of the categorical plebiscitum will be favorably +entertained or rejected.</p> +<br><br> +<p>In view of these important dispatches, PUNCHINELLO respectfully suggests +to Mr. SIMONTON, that instead of trying to put an end to the stealing of +his news, he put a peremptory end to the London agent of the Associated +Press. Otherwise the agent will soon put an end to the Association. One +or the other event must take place, and it is only a question of time +which shall occur first. +<br><br><br><br> + +<center> +<img alt="006.jpg (280K)" src="images/006.jpg" height="730" width="1031"> +</center> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2> + +<p>The Boa Constrictor.</p> + +<p>Oriental tourists claim to have met with specimens of this reptile one +hundred feet in length, but as travellers are proverbially prone to +stretch their tales, narrative of this character must not be too readily +swallowed. He is found in India, all along the course of the Hooghly, +and is hugely superior in strength and size to all the other reptiles of +Asia. His habitat is usually up a tree, where he lies in ambush, and +he forages, and has for ages, on the nobler quadrupeds; seldom letting +himself down to make a "picked-up dinner" on the lower animals. +Sometimes, however, when tormented with an "all-gone sensation" in the +pit of his stomach, he descends to dine on a high-caste Brahmin and to +sup on a Gentoo.</p> + +<p>The skin of the Boa has a silky sheen, like that of the finest Rep, and, +when taking a nap in the sun, his Damascened appearance may remind the +pious spectator of a scene damned by the intrusion of a similar reptile +several thousand years ago.</p> + +<p>The Boa Constrictor is not a fascinating snake—far from it. He relies +on his muscles and not on his charms, for support. His appetite is +vigorous, and the manner in which he disposes of his tid-bits, such +as the larger carnivora, may be described as glutenous. Much has been +written of the creature, but a glance at his enormous volume will give a +truer idea of him than anything that has ever issued from the press. +He serves the body of an animal, before devouring it, as mercenary +politicians serve the body politic—crushing it with many Rings. By the +keepers of menageries he is often called the Boa <i>Constructor</i>, but the +name more aptly applies to the Furrier who simulates his shape on a +small scale; the creature having no mechanical skill whatever.</p> + +<p>Occasionally, from some branch that overhangs a <i>Nullah</i>, he will drop +down on the thirsty eland or hartbeest, rendering resistance a Nullity; +but his favorite game is fighting the tiger, at which, unlike the human +species, he always wins when in the vein for that kind of sport. All the +beasts of the jungle fear him—the wolf feeling no disposition to seek +his folds, and the leopard frequently changing his spots to avoid him. +Whatever his quarry may be, its sands are soon run out.</p> + +<p>The Boa, like other gourmands, is fond of gourmand-ease. After having +put a victim through the mill and bolted him for a meal, the monster may +be discovered (or he may not) on some knoll in the forest, indulging in +somnolency. He can then be assailed with safety, but as his breath is a +horrible fetor, a spice (of caution) should be used in approaching him. +The windward side is best. As he lies limber, smelling like Limburger, +a hatchet will be found a first-chop weapon of assault. The Hindoos, +however, generally double him up with Creeses. Cutting off the +creature's tail, just behind the jaws, is a pretty sure way to +ex-terminate him. There are on record several instances of Boas having +been despatched in this way by Ruthless adventurers.</p> + +<p>The reptile abounds in Ceylon, and is considered a delicacy by the +Cingalese, but the civilized stomach would probably find Double Ease in +letting it alone. <i>Cotelette de Constrictor</i>, however pleasant to the +Pagan palate, would scarcely go down with a Christian.</p> + +<p>High old stories of the Boa have been obtained by travellers, from the +Asiatics. They resemble those of the fabled dragon and hippogriff, and +as they generally relate to the ravaging of whole districts by the +voracious monster, a heap o' grief is connected with some of them. The +gum-game, however, is much in vogue in India, and most of these snake +stories may be characterized as India Rubbish.</p> + +<p>The great Boa is a native of Southern Africa as well as of Asia, and is +much dreaded by all the Dutch Boers. The creature is reported to have +been seen in crossing the interior deserts, but this is believed to be +a fiction invented in the Caravans. In Congo there is a small species a +few sizes larger than the Conger eel, while in the section of country +visited by CUMMING the Boa is the biggest serpent Going.</p> + +<p>There are stupendous snakes in the islands of the Indian Archipelago, +and a Yankee skipper who lived a year among the natives informs us that +he "once saw some arter a boa in Sumatra." The skipper, however, is a +small joker, and always ready to Sacrifice Truth on the Alter Ego of a +miserable pun. A vile habit this, but one that it is to be feared will +never be abandoned.</p> + +<p>The skin of the Boa is rarely embroidered with purple and gold, but, +like many a priestly hypocrite, he hides under the livery of heaven the +instincts of the Devil. And so we dismiss him.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3> +BITTER SARCASM</h3> + +<p>Canadians pronounce the sacred word "Sunburst" "Shunburst."</p> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="007.jpg (260K)" src="images/007.jpg" height="960" width="702"> +</center> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +CONDENSED CONGRESS.</h2> + +<h3>SENATE.</h3> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<img alt="008.jpg (86K)" src="images/008.jpg" height="599" width="410"> +</td><td> +<p>Ind-Hearted Mr. CHANDLER had a proposition "which would restore American +commerce to its former footing." It was simply to annex San Domingo, +Cuba, and Canada. He repudiated with scorn and disgust the insinuation +that he proposed to pay anything for them. That was foreign to his +nature. He meant merely to take them. By this means they would not only +restore American commerce—he din't profess to know exactly how—but +they would inflict a deadly blow upon haughty England. At this point Mr. +CHANDLER became incoherent, the only intelligible remark which reached +the reporters, being that he could "lick" Queen VICTORIA single-handed.</p> + +<p>Mr. SUMNER remarked that a war with England would be costly.</p> + +<p>Mr. CHANDLER declined to accept any suggestion from a man who went to +diplomatic dinners, and consorted with Englishmen. He had been told that +at these dinners, to which he was proud to say he had never gone, and to +which, while the custom of issuing invitations prevailed, he never +would go, Mr. SUMNER ate with his fork. Such a man could not be a true +American.</p> +</td></tr> +</table> + + +<p>Mr. MORRILL introduced a bill to increase the mileage of members. +Notoriously, he observed, the mileage of members was scandalously small. +He knew that the self-sacrificing nature of the senators would delight +to pay this tribute to the fidelity of themselves, and the equally +deserving public servants of the other house. Passed with acclamations.</p> + +<p>A resolution was introduced to appropriate a few millions towards the +discovery of the North Pole.</p> + +<p>Mr. SAULSBURY said—Whazyoose?</p> + +<p>Mr. SUMNER explained that it would be a good thing for science.</p> + +<p>Mr. COLE explained that it would be an enormous thing for fishermen.</p> + +<p>Mr. YATES explained that it would be a vast thing for "cobblers."</p> + +<p>Mr. SAULSBURY said—Ah, B'gthing on Ice.</p> + +<p>Mr. MORRILL moved to extend the Capitol grounds to the next lot.</p> + +<p>Mr. YATES moved to extend them to Chicago.</p> + +<p>Mr. MORTON moved to extend them to Indianapolis.</p> + +<p>Mr. CHANDLER wildly shrieked Detroit.</p> + +<p>Mr. SUMNER faintly murmured Boston.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3>HOUSE.</h3> + +<p>Somebody introduced a bill to pension the soldiers of 1812. Somebody +else wanted to amend it by providing that no soldier of 1812 who aided +and comforted the recent rebellion should get any pension.</p> + +<p>Even Mr. BUTLER showed gleams of good feeling. He said that the lot of +these men was hard. They were liable to be brought out upon platforms +every Fourth of July, and obliged to sit and blink under patriotic +eloquence for hours. It was their dreadful lot subsequently to eat +public dinners in country taverns, which brought their gray hairs down +in sorrow and indigestion to the grave. The notion of these senile and +patriotic duffers aiding and comforting the rebellion was preposterous. +Their eyes purged thick amber and plum-tree gum, and they had no notion +of doing anything but drawing their pensions, and getting three meals a +day, with a horrible fourth on the glorious Fourth.</p> + +<p>Mr. LOGAN said this position was outrageous. He knew that some of these +hoary wretches in his own district were so fully in sympathy with the +rebellion as actually to refuse to vote for him, when carriages were +sent to convey them to the polls. Such men ought not to receive a +dollar.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUTLER not only reaffirmed his previous statements, but reintroduced +his resolution to annex Dominica.</p> + +<p>Mr. KELLEY desired to abolish the income tax. He said that some of his +most influential constituents disliked it. They would not pay. To lie +they were ashamed. If a sufficient tariff were put upon pig-iron there +would be no need of providing for this petty Tacks.</p> + +<p>Mr. BUTLER was in favor of the abolition of the tax. It had never seen +anything but a tax on paper, and it was not worth a paper of tacks. +But he considered the most feasible method of reducing it was to annex +Dominica, and he introduced a resolution to that effect. As his friend +KELLEY had suggested, if they did not remove the tax, their constituents +would remove them. He did not consider it practicable, however, to bring +a movement to abolish the tacks on the carpet until Dominica should be +ours.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +FURTHER OF MYTHOLOGY.</h2> + +<p>DIANA. This goddess was generally admitted to be the most intellectual +and disagreeable of the whole divine Sisterhood. Among the Greeks the +popular estimate of her character was shown by the name of "Artful +Miss"—afterwards corrupted to ARTEMIS—which they gave to her. She was +an eminently strong-minded goddess, and insisted upon her right to adopt +the habits of the other sex. Among them was the practice of hunting, of +which she was passionately fond. Indeed, it was from her devotion to the +pleasures of the chase that she obtained the epithet of the "Chased" +DIANA—wild boars, and such like ungallant brutes, sometimes annoying +her by refusing to be chased themselves, and by chasing her instead. +There are those who pretend to think that "chaste," instead of "chased," +was really the original epithet, and that it was given to her as a +recognition of the aggressive and malignant virtue which distinguishes +most strong-minded women who are old and yet unmarried. The obvious +absurdity of this theory will, however, be evident to any one who +remembers her little flirtation with ENDYMION, whom she cruelly led from +the paths of innocence, only to abandon him on the hills of Latmos, +where he contracted the chills and fever by fruitlessly watching for her +at night in the open field. A characteristic piece of ill-temper was her +treatment of young ACTÆON. The latter, who was a respectable, though +rather reckless young man, was once walking along the beach, when he +suddenly came upon DIANA and several female friends in the act of taking +the surf. Envious to behold the extremes of boniness, which then, as +now, doubtless characterized the strong-minded females, he concealed +himself in a neighboring bathing-house, and brought his opera-glass +to bear on the group. He was, however, discovered, and DIANA and her +friends were so indignant at being seen without their false teeth and +false "fronts," that the former deliberately set her dogs on him, who +tore him into imperceptible fragments so small that no coroner could +possibly find enough of him in order to hold an inquest. Of course +ACTÆON'S conduct cannot be defended, but then his punishment was +altogether too severe. There is every reason to suppose that DIANA +wanted some one to accidentally notice her proficiency in swimming, else +why should she have chosen a place of popular resort for her bath? And +then the simple nudity in which she was surprised was not nearly as +suggestive as the peculiar costumes in which our fashionable ladies +now-a-days enter the surf in the presence of admiring crowds. However, +ideas change with successive ages, and what we now consider perfectly +proper would probably have brought any quantity of blushes to the cheek +of the young person of Athens or Rome. Among the Olympians DIANA was a +common scold, and made herself as disagreeable to the goddesses as to +the gods. Since she ceased to be openly worshipped she has been in a +measure forgotten among men, but the strong-minded women still regard +her with love and reverence, and it is understood that her statue, +together with a painting representing her in the act of setting the +dogs on ACTÆON, are among the most prominent decorations of the Sorosis +Club-room and the <i>Revolution</i> office.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3>Historical</h3> + +<p>Coney Island is celebrated for the saltness of its waters and the +leathery qualities of its clams. This island is said to have been so +named on account of its resemblance in shape to an inverted cone, but +the attrition of the ocean has materially changed the conic base. +Researches in the direction of the apex have not been made recently.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3>Patentee Wanted.</h3> + +<p>The heavy hebdomadals complain that the style of the communications sent +them is too diffuse. The "talented" contributor is adjured to condense. +There is an apparatus, we believe, for condensing the article called +milk, but who will devise a machine for condensing the milk-and-water +article? A fortune awaits the genius of the inventor.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +THE HOLY GRAIL AND OTHER POEMS.</h2> + +<p>(This Is one of the other Poems.)</p> + +<p>BY A HALF-RED DENIZEN OF THE WEST.</p> + +<p>Part XI.</p> + +<p>PELLEAS then, when all the flies were gone, Sat faithful on his horse, +upon the lawn That skirts the castle moat; and thought the dame, For +want of pluck, could never give him blame. He sat a week. She grew so +blazing mad, She raved, and called three other knights she had; And +cried, "That fool will drive me wild, I fear! Go bind his hands, and +walk him Spanish here." And when the idiot heard her, he did grin And +smirk, and let them walk him Spanish in. Then, railing vile, that he +might take offence, She, sneering, asked him would he ne'er go hence;</p> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="009.jpg (339K)" src="images/009.jpg" height="692" width="1072"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<p>And cursed him till her face grew crimson red. Like cats of Cheshire +then he grinned, and said:</p> + +<p> +"Sent by thy train and thee to Coventry, I hung with grooms and porters +on the bridge; Watched by thy three tall squires. And there I shaped An +ancient willow's sapling into this."</p> + +<p>And handed her a whistle. "Kick him out!" She yelled; and the knights, +laughing, took the lout, And thrust him from the gate. A week from this, +Looking without, she saw his simple phiz; And cried "Go kill him! Stick +him like a pig! You three can do it, if he is so big!" Unwilling, yet +the knights went out to try, And light-of-love GAWAIN came riding by. +"What ho!" he cried, "I'm in, if that fight's free; So here I come-ye +knavish cowards three!" "For me," PELLEAS cried, "the fight she means," +And charging, knocked them into smithereens. Now called she other +knights, and cried out, "Once Again go bind and bring me here that +dunce!" And when he heard, he let himself be bound,</p> + +<p>And o'er the bridge they kicked him like a hound. When she had sneered +her sneeriest, then she said, "Turn him out bound!" He lifted up his +head,</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> "You ask me why, tho' ill at ease<br> + Within this region I subsist?"</p> + +<p> "I did," she said, "but pray desist<br> + From further quoting, if you please."</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>When forth PELLEAS came, his hands all tied, The brave GAWAIN, he +bounded to his side, And loosed his bonds and said, "Look here, good +friend, This sort of thing had better have an end. Just you go home, and +take a Turkish bath, And I will cure this lady of her wrath. Give me +your horse and shield. Take mine, I'll say I've killed you, stiffly +dead, in mortal fray. Then she will straight repent; your death will +rue, And while her heart is soft, I'll send for you."</p> + +<p>This nincum-fubby-diddle-boodle, he Went home, and did not GAWATN'S +laughter see! He waited till the moon, after three days, Gave promise of +large lights on woods and ways, And then he hastened to ETTABBE'S gate. +He found it open, and he did not wait to be announced, but hastened, +full of hope, To where her tent stood on the garden slope. He knew she +slept the roses all among, And as he softly stepped, he softly sung:</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<p> "I am coming, my own, my sweet!<br> + Were it ever so airy a tread,<br> + Thy heart would hear me and beat,<br> + Were it earth in an earthly bed.<br> + Thy dust would hear me and beat,<br> + Hads't thou lain for a century dead,<br> + Would start and tremble under my feet—</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>And just then he saw GAWAIN'S head! With one wild bound toward the +dark'ning skies, From out the garden gates he madly flies. But soon his +mind it alters. Slipping back, His tune he changes—trying this new tack:</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> "Howe'er it be, it seems to me<br> + 'Tis only noble to be good;<br> + Kind hearts are more than coronets,<br> + And simple faith, than Norman blood.</p> + +<p> O lady! You may veer and veer,<br> + A great enchantress you may be,<br> + But there'll be that across your throat,<br> + Which you would scarcely care to see."</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>Then he, while sleep of senses them bereft, Soft thrust his lance +through both their necks—and left. The cold touch in her throat she +felt, and woke. She knew the lance, and to GAWAIN she spoke. "Liar!" she +said. "That man you have not slain. Let's both clear out! He may come +back again!"</p> + +<p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2> + +<p>That most gay, gallant and airy body of horsemen known as the "Brooklyn +Dutch Light Cavalry," are much indebted to the projectors of the +Knightly meeting which took place recently at Prospect Park, for an +opportunity to display those equestrian graces which a few cross-grained +critics have been disposed to deny them. The general public never had +any doubts upon the subject, but it is well enough to silence those who +took much credit to themselves in detecting faults where others could +not discover them. The result shows how completely such mendacity can be +exposed. Of the numerous prizes awarded, two-thirds fell to the members +of Brooklyn's Teutonic Cavalry. They were especially admired for the +firmness with which they kept their saddles, under circumstances enough +to unhorse a Centaur. We noted, particularly, one cavalier, known in +the lists as the Knight of RUDESHEIMER. He keeps a pork store in Fulton +Avenue, and turned a Fairbanks Scale, but two days before the tourney, +at 275 lbs. This gallant rode a very sprightly steed, which struggled +under the double calamity of being slightly spavined and quite blind in +the left eye. One of the effects of the latter misfortune was to keep +the animal constantly in the belief that somebody meditated foul play +upon its unguarded flank, and at the slightest stir in the crowd it +would wheel violently around, to the great consternation its rider, +and the evident alarm of contiguous Knights. PUNCHINELLO, who was very +conspicuous in the throng, and was mounted upon a highly mettled Ukraine +steed, observed the cavorting of the Knight of RUDESHEIMER, and cantered +gaily towards him. In attempting to pass, his spur touched the side of +the blind steed,—which kicked at PUNCHINELLO'S fiery Ukraine in a very +ungracious manner. Our animal would take a kick from no other animal +calmly, and so, without waiting to weigh consequences, it gave +RUDESHEIMER'S Rosinante a severe "chuck" in the ribs with its hind feet. +In an instant horse and rider were spinning around like a top. A space +was immediately cleared, and the crowd awaited in breathless silence +the fate of the Knight. His swayings were fearful, until PUNCHINELLO, +anticipating an apoplectic fit from such a terrific revolution, dashed +in, and seizing the frightened steed by the bridle, brought him to +bay. The Knight's face was livid with rage and, instead of thanking +PUNCHINELLO, he roared at the pitch of his voice.</p> + +<p>"Dunder und blitzen! Du bist ein tam phool. Vat for you not sees I ish +tied to mein saddle?"</p> + +<p>The pride of horsemanship could go no further, and so PUNCHINELLO left.</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +SONG OF THE RED CLOUD.</h2> + +<p>[Supposed to have been uttered on the occasion of a conference of +Savages at Washington with a view to the settlement of our Indian +difficulties.]</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> How! Call all my chiefs together—<br> + Makpialutah, Red Cloud wants 'em:<br> + Shunkalutah, him the Red Dog;<br> + Brave Bear, Montaohetekah;<br> + Setting Bear, Maktohutakah;<br> + Rock Bear, Live Bear, Long Bear, Short Bear,<br> + Little Bear, Yellow Bear, and Bear Skin,<br> + Keyalutah, Red Fly—Shoo Fly!<br> + Dahsanowee, White Cow Rattler,<br> + Pahgee, Shunkmonetoohakah,<br> + Shatonsapah, Maktohashena,<br> + Kokepah, Ocklehelutah,<br> + Newakohnkechaksaheuntah,<br> + Whoop! haloo! Yahoo! Halooooooooo!</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p> (Sudden rush of warriors on all sides with war-whoop, flourish of + tomahawks, and inexplicable dumb show.]</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<p> Ugh! What now would have the White Man?<br> + Sell he swindle, rum, fire-water,<br> + We will sell him Fear in plenty.<br> + What would have Great Cloud, our father,<br> + He the Smoke-nose, he the Big Fish?<br> + They not cheat us, we not murder.<br> + Pale-faces like the leaves of forests:<br> + Many squaws with paint and feathers—<br> + None like Makochawyuntaker,<br> + The World-looker, wife of Black Hawk.<br> + Much skull, but few scalp in Congress.<br> + Talk much—very great tongue-warriors.<br> + Tomahawk could end the tongue-fight.<br> + Hrumph! I like not these pale-faces,<br> + Makpialutah mourns for battle,<br> + Red Cloud thirsts for blood of Pawnees,<br> + Red Cloud cries for scalp of white men,<br> + Red Cloud angers the Great Spirit,<br> + Red Cloud trembles for the War Dance!<br> + Ugh! Hrumph! How! Whoop, whoop, haloooooo!</p> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>[The Conference of Chiefs, after an uproar of shrill and guttural +sounds, break: up with the favorite can-can of the Sioux.]</p> + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h3> +A Pleasant Prospect.</h3> + +<p>The Massachusetts editors, who are shortly to meet in convention at +Boston, are threatened with three distressing courtesies, viz: a concert +on the Big Organ, a visit to the School Ship, and a banquet in Fanuil +Hall. They have our sincerest condolences.</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="010.jpg (140K)" src="images/010.jpg" height="390" width="1065"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="011.jpg (193K)" src="images/011.jpg" height="838" width="657"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><br><hr><br><br> + +<h2> +MY COUP D'ETAT.</h2> + +<p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO: For sometime—I would not like to say how long—the +undersigned has been a candidate for the office of Whiskey Inspector for +the Judasville district of his State. I have had powerful backing from +the scrap-iron members of Congress from my section, but their efforts +and my own have long seemed of little avail. The other day, however, +I saw in the papers the account of the <i>coup d'etat</i> of the DUKE OF +SALDANHA, in Portugal. An idea immediately entered my brain. These +<i>effète</i> monarchies, these governments of the past, on which "the rust +of ages," as VICTOR HUGO remarks, "lies like a bloody snow of bygone +vassalage," have yet sufficient vitality to teach a lesson to the young +and vigorous governments of the West. At any rate this old duke taught +me a lesson, and I did my best to hurry off and say it. It was evident +that if I wanted to be Whiskey Inspector of Judasville, (and I am +justified in saying that no man in the district possesses more peculiar +qualifications for the post,) that something in the SALDANHA style +must be done. The time had passed for petitions and lobbying. I went +immediately to the commander of the Judasville Rifles, and enlisted his +sympathies in my cause. He willingly placed his company at my service, +but whether this was due to my offer to pay the board-bills and car-fare +of the organization while it was under my orders, or to my eloquent +statement of my case, I have not yet had an opportunity to discover. The +men who, from the very commencement of the undertaking, had constituted +themselves the inspectors of my whiskey, were in high good spirits, and, +in a body, numbering some forty-six, we arrived in Washington, on a +bright morning, about a week ago. It would not do, on an occasion like +this, to delay matters. Accordingly I marched my troops directly to the +White House. The man in charge of the door took my men for a visiting +target company, and told me, whom he supposed was the member from their +district, that I must marshal my friends out on the green, and he would +notify the Private Secretary. I made no answer to this, but ordered +the troops to charge bayonets, and we entered the White House at a +double-quick. I led the way directly to GRANT'S study, and stationing my +men in the doorway, I entered. He was within, cutting up an "old soger" +to smoke in his pipe. After shaking bands with him, I sat down and +inquired if that was a <i>regalia</i> he was cutting up.</p> + +<p>"No," said he. "This is the HANCOCK brand."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" said I.</p> + +<p>"Well?" said he, looking somewhat inquisitively at the soldiers, who +crowded into the doorway, and almost filled the entry beyond.</p> + +<p>"Mr. President," said I, rising and clearing my throat, "I do not wish +to occupy much time in the present business—especially as I have to pay +the hotel bills of these brave veterans until it is finished. Therefore +I will come directly to the point. I desire, immediately, the +appointment of Whiskey Inspector for the Judasville district. I have +been an applicant for said position quite long enough, and I demand that +you make out my commission this morning."</p> + +<p>"And suppose I don't?" says GRANT.</p> + +<p>"In that case," said I,—"in that case—well, in that case, <i>there</i> are +my companions in arms, the brave supporters of my cause!" and I pointed +proudly to the Judasville Rifles.</p> + +<p>"Well," said GRANT, puffing away at the HANCOCK remnants, "what do you +propose to do with them—besides paying their hotel bills, I mean?"</p> + +<p>"To do?" said I, "to do?"—and now, to tell the truth, I experienced an +immediate disadvantage of not having formed a plan of my campaign. But +it would not do to hesitate.</p> + +<p>"To do?" I repeated, speaking louder this time. "I shall march +upon—well, upon each of the public buildings in turn, and I shall take +them and hold them."</p> + +<p>"And then?" said GRANT.</p> + +<p>"Well," said I, "then, of course, you will see the impossibility of +carrying my strongholds without a fearful slaughter, and to prevent +the consequent effusion of blood, you will despatch a courier to me, +requesting my presence in your council-room."</p> + +<p>"And then?" said GRANT.</p> + +<p>"I will come," I answered.</p> + +<p>"And then?" said GRANT.</p> + +<p>"You will give me the Whiskey Inspectorship," I answered.</p> + +<p>GRANT glanced at me, and then at the body of troops by which I was +supported. Indomitable resolution sat upon every lineament of my +countenance, and resolute determination showed itself in the faces of my +brave men. Already, from afar, they sniffed the delicious perfumes of +the rewards of victory. (It is needless to particularize the alcoholic +promises I had made them in case of success.)</p> + +<p>GRANT rang a little bell—I think he bought it second-hand, when SEWARD +sold out to go travelling—and an obstrusive attendant entered by a back +door.</p> + +<p>Then, to this obtrusive attendant said the President; "James, step +over to the War Department and tell SHERMAN to send me the Eighth and +Eleventh Brigades of Cavalry; the Seventy-first and Fortieth Regiments +of Artillery; the Twenty-second, Forty-fourth, and Eighty-eighth +regiments of infantry, and two companies of sappers and miners."</p> + +<p>JAMES departed.</p> + +<p>I stepped forward.</p> + +<p>"Mr. PRESIDENT," said I, "in order to prevent the effusion of blood, +might it not be as well to settle our little business at once?"</p> + +<p>GRANT smiled.</p> + +<p>HODGINS, the captain of the Judasville Rifles, now came up to me and +touched me on the arm.</p> + +<p>"To prevent the effusion of blood," said he, "we are going home."</p> + +<p>And they went!</p> + +<p>My subsequent adventures, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I cannot relate, for my paper +is full, and the fellow who has charge of this cell has refused to get +me any more, unless I give him more money, which I haven't got.</p> + +<p>But of one thing my mind is certain, and that is that this country has +not yet arrived at that high grade of official refinement and tenderness +which Portugal has reached.</p> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="012.jpg (221K)" src="images/012.jpg" height="1125" width="771"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="013.jpg (263K)" src="images/013.jpg" height="1124" width="774"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 12, June 18, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 18, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9636-h.htm or 9636-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/6/3/9636/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, David +Widger and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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