initial commit of ebook 9611HEADmain

5 files changed, 13062 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/old/7jan110.txt b/old/7jan110.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..34769d7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/7jan110.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,6531 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Joseph Andrews Vol 1, by Henry Fielding
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
+Gutenberg file.  Please do not remove it.  Do not change or edit the
+header without written permission.
+
+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
+eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file.  Included is
+important information about your specific rights and restrictions in
+how the file may be used.  You can also find out about how to make a
+donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved.
+
+
+**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**
+
+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Joseph Andrews Vol 1
+
+Author: Henry Fielding
+
+Release Date: January, 2006 [EBook #9611]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 9, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS VOL 1 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+THE WORKS OF HENRY FIELDING
+
+EDITED BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY
+
+IN TWELVE VOLUMES
+
+VOL. I.
+
+
+
+JOSEPH ANDREWS
+
+VOL. I.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+  INTRODUCTION.
+
+  PREFACE.
+
+  BOOK I.
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+  _Of writing lives in general, and particularly of Pamela, with a word
+  by the bye of Colley Cibber and others_
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+  _Of Mr Joseph Andrews, his birth, parentage, education, and great
+  endowments, with a word or two concerning ancestors_
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+  _Of Mr Abraham Adams the curate, Mrs Slipslop the chambermaid, and
+  others_
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+  _What happened after their journey to London_
+
+  CHAPTER V.
+  _The death of Sir Thomas Booby, with the affectionate and mournful
+  behaviour of his widow, and the great purity of Joseph Andrews_
+
+  CHAPTER VI.
+  _How Joseph Andrews writ a letter to his sister Pamela_
+
+  CHAPTER VII.
+  _Sayings of wise men. A dialogue between the lady and her maid; and
+  a panegyric, or rather satire, on the passion of love, in the sublime
+  style_
+
+  CHAPTER VIII.
+  _In which, after some very fine writing, the history goes on, and
+  relates the interview between the lady and Joseph; where the latter
+  hath set an example which we despair of seeing followed by his sex in
+  this vicious age_
+
+  CHAPTER IX.
+  _What passed between the lady and Mrs Slipslop; in which we prophesy
+  there are some strokes which every one will not truly comprehend at
+  the first reading_
+
+  CHAPTER X.
+  _Joseph writes another letter; his transactions with Mr Peter Pounce,
+  &c., with his departure from Lady Booby_
+
+  CHAPTER XI.
+  _Of several new matters not expected_
+
+  CHAPTER XII.
+  _Containing many surprizing adventures which Joseph Andrews met with
+  on the road, scarce credible to those who have never travelled in a
+  stage-coach_
+
+  CHAPTER XIII.
+  _What happened to Joseph during his sickness at the inn, with the
+  curious discourse between him and Mr Barnabas, the parson of the
+  parish_
+
+  CHAPTER XIV.
+  _Being very full of adventures which succeeded each other at the inn_
+
+  CHAPTER XV.
+  _Showing how Mrs Tow-wouse was a little mollified; and how officious
+  Mr Barnabas and the surgeon were to prosecute the thief: with a
+  dissertation accounting for their zeal, and that of many other
+  persons not mentioned in this history_
+
+  CHAPTER XVI.
+  _The escape of the thief. Mr Adams's disappointment. The arrival of
+  two very extraordinary personages, and the introduction of parson
+  Adams to parson Barnabas_
+
+  CHAPTER XVII.
+  _A pleasant discourse between the two parsons and the bookseller,
+  which was broke off by an unlucky accident happening in the inn,
+  which produced a dialogue between Mrs Tow-wouse and her maid of no
+  gentle kind._
+
+  CHAPTER XVIII.
+  _The history of Betty the chambermaid, and an account of what
+  occasioned the violent scene in the preceding chapter_
+
+
+  BOOK II.
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+  _Of Divisions in Authors_
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+  _A surprizing instance of Mr Adams's short memory, with the
+  unfortunate consequences which it brought on Joseph_
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+  _The opinion of two lawyers concerning the same gentleman, with Mr
+  Adams's inquiry into the religion of his host_
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+  _The history of Leonora, or the unfortunate jilt_
+
+  CHAPTER V.
+  _A dreadful quarrel which happened at the inn where the company
+  dined, with its bloody consequences to Mr Adams_
+
+  CHAPTER VI.
+  _Conclusion of the unfortunate jilt_
+
+  CHAPTER VII.
+  _A very short chapter, in which parson Adams went a great way_
+
+  CHAPTER VIII.
+  _A notable dissertation by Mr Abraham Adams; wherein that gentleman
+  appears in a political light_
+
+  CHAPTER IX.
+  _In which the gentleman discants on bravery and heroic virtue, till
+  an unlucky accident puts an end to the discourse_
+
+  CHAPTER X.
+  _Giving an account of the strange catastrophe of the preceding
+  adventure, which drew poor Adams into fresh calamities; and who the
+  woman was who owed the preservation of her chastity to his victorious
+  arm_
+
+  CHAPTER XI.
+  _What happened to them while before the justice. A chapter very full
+  of learning_
+
+  CHAPTER XII.
+  _A very delightful adventure, as well to the persons concerned as to
+  the good-natured reader_
+
+  CHAPTER XIII.
+  _A dissertation concerning high people and low people, with Mrs
+  Slipslop's departure in no very good temper of mind, and the evil
+  plight in which she left Adams and his company_
+
+
+  LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
+
+
+  PORTRAIT OF FIELDING, FROM BUST IN THE SHIRE HALL, TAUNTON
+  "JOSEPH, I AM SORRY TO HEAR SUCH COMPLAINTS AGAINST YOU"
+  THE HOSTLER PRESENTED HIM A BILL
+  JOSEPH THANKED HER ON HIS KNEES
+
+
+
+
+GENERAL INTRODUCTION.
+
+
+There are few amusements more dangerous for an author than the
+indulgence in ironic descriptions of his own work. If the irony is
+depreciatory, posterity is but too likely to say, "Many a true word is
+spoken in jest;" if it is encomiastic, the same ruthless and ungrateful
+critic is but too likely to take it as an involuntary confession of
+folly and vanity. But when Fielding, in one of his serio-comic
+introductions to _Tom Jones_, described it as "this prodigious work," he
+all unintentionally (for he was the least pretentious of men)
+anticipated the verdict which posterity almost at once, and with
+ever-increasing suffrage of the best judges as time went on, was about
+to pass not merely upon this particular book, but upon his whole genius
+and his whole production as a novelist. His work in other kinds is of a
+very different order of excellence. It is sufficiently interesting at
+times in itself; and always more than sufficiently interesting as his;
+for which reasons, as well as for the further one that it is
+comparatively little known, a considerable selection from it is offered
+to the reader in the last two volumes of this edition. Until the present
+occasion (which made it necessary that I should acquaint myself with
+it) I own that my own knowledge of these miscellaneous writings was by
+no means thorough. It is now pretty complete; but the idea which I
+previously had of them at first and second hand, though a little
+improved, has not very materially altered. Though in all this hack-work
+Fielding displayed, partially and at intervals, the same qualities which
+he displayed eminently and constantly in the four great books here
+given, he was not, as the French idiom expresses it, _dans son
+assiette_, in his own natural and impregnable disposition and situation
+of character and ability, when he was occupied on it. The novel was for
+him that _assiette_; and all his novels are here.
+
+Although Henry Fielding lived in quite modern times, although by family
+and connections he was of a higher rank than most men of letters, and
+although his genius was at once recognised by his contemporaries so soon
+as it displayed itself in its proper sphere, his biography until very
+recently was by no means full; and the most recent researches, including
+those of Mr Austin Dobson--a critic unsurpassed for combination of
+literary faculty and knowledge of the eighteenth century--have not
+altogether sufficed to fill up the gaps. His family, said to have
+descended from a member of the great house of Hapsburg who came to
+England in the reign of Henry II., distinguished itself in the Wars of
+the Roses, and in the seventeenth century was advanced to the peerages
+of Denbigh in England and (later) of Desmond in Ireland. The novelist
+was the grandson of John Fielding, Canon of Salisbury, the fifth son of
+the first Earl of Desmond of this creation. The canon's third son,
+Edmond, entered the army, served under Marlborough, and married Sarah
+Gold or Gould, daughter of a judge of the King's Bench. Their eldest son
+was Henry, who was born on April 22, 1707, and had an uncertain number
+of brothers and sisters of the whole blood. After his first wife's
+death, General Fielding (for he attained that rank) married again. The
+most remarkable offspring of the first marriage, next to Henry, was his
+sister Sarah, also a novelist, who wrote David Simple; of the second,
+John, afterwards Sir John Fielding, who, though blind, succeeded his
+half-brother as a Bow Street magistrate, and in that office combined an
+equally honourable record with a longer tenure.
+
+Fielding was born at Sharpham Park in Somersetshire, the seat of his
+maternal grandfather; but most of his early youth was spent at East
+Stour in Dorsetshire, to which his father removed after the judge's
+death. He is said to have received his first education under a parson of
+the neighbourhood named Oliver, in whom a very uncomplimentary tradition
+sees the original of Parson Trulliber. He was then certainly sent to
+Eton, where he did not waste his time as regards learning, and made
+several valuable friends. But the dates of his entering and leaving
+school are alike unknown; and his subsequent sojourn at Leyden for two
+years--though there is no reason to doubt it--depends even less upon
+any positive documentary evidence. This famous University still had a
+great repute as a training school in law, for which profession he was
+intended; but the reason why he did not receive the even then far more
+usual completion of a public school education by a sojourn at Oxford or
+Cambridge may be suspected to be different. It may even have had
+something to do with a curious escapade of his about which not very much
+is known--an attempt to carry off a pretty heiress of Lyme, named
+Sarah Andrew.
+
+Even at Leyden, however, General Fielding seems to have been unable or
+unwilling to pay his son's expenses, which must have been far less there
+than at an English University; and Henry's return to London in 1728-29
+is said to have been due to sheer impecuniosity. When he returned to
+England, his father was good enough to make him an allowance of L200
+nominal, which appears to have been equivalent to L0 actual. And as
+practically nothing is known of him for the next six or seven years,
+except the fact of his having worked industriously enough at a large
+number of not very good plays of the lighter kind, with a few poems and
+miscellanies, it is reasonably enough supposed that he lived by his pen.
+The only product of this period which has kept (or indeed which ever
+received) competent applause is _Tom Thumb, or the Tragedy of
+Tragedies_, a following of course of the _Rehearsal_, but full of humour
+and spirit. The most successful of his other dramatic works were the
+_Mock Doctor_ and the _Miser_, adaptations of Moliere's famous pieces.
+His undoubted connection with the stage, and the fact of the
+contemporary existence of a certain Timothy Fielding, helped suggestions
+of less dignified occupations as actor, booth-keeper, and so forth; but
+these have long been discredited and indeed disproved.
+
+In or about 1735, when Fielding was twenty-eight, we find him in a new,
+a more brilliant and agreeable, but even a more transient phase. He had
+married (we do not know when or where) Miss Charlotte Cradock, one of
+three sisters who lived at Salisbury (it is to be observed that
+Fielding's entire connections, both in life and letters, are with the
+Western Counties and London), who were certainly of competent means, and
+for whose alleged illegitimacy there is no evidence but an unsupported
+fling of that old maid of genius, Richardson. The descriptions both of
+Sophia and of Amelia are said to have been taken from this lady; her
+good looks and her amiability are as well established as anything of the
+kind can be in the absence of photographs and affidavits; and it is
+certain that her husband was passionately attached to her, during their
+too short married life. His method, however, of showing his affection
+smacked in some ways too much of the foibles which he has attributed to
+Captain Booth, and of those which we must suspect Mr Thomas Jones would
+also have exhibited, if he had not been adopted as Mr Allworthy's heir,
+and had not had Mr Western's fortune to share and look forward to. It is
+true that grave breaches have been made by recent criticism in the very
+picturesque and circumstantial story told on the subject by Murphy, the
+first of Fielding's biographers. This legend was that Fielding, having
+succeeded by the death of his mother to a small estate at East Stour,
+worth about L200 a year, and having received L1500 in ready money as his
+wife's fortune, got through the whole in three years by keeping open
+house, with a large retinue in "costly yellow liveries," and so forth.
+In details, this story has been simply riddled. His mother had died long
+before; he was certainly not away from London three years, or anything
+like it; and so forth. At the same time, the best and soberest judges
+agree that there is an intrinsic probability, a consensus (if a vague
+one) of tradition, and a chain of almost unmistakably personal
+references in the novels, which plead for a certain amount of truth, at
+the bottom of a much embellished legend. At any rate, if Fielding
+established himself in the country, it was not long before he returned
+to town; for early in 1736 we find him back again, and not merely a
+playwright, but lessee of the "Little Theatre" in the Haymarket. The
+plays which he produced here--satirico-political pieces, such as
+_Pasquin_ and the _Historical Register_--were popular enough, but
+offended the Government; and in 1737 a new bill regulating theatrical
+performances, and instituting the Lord Chamberlain's control, was
+passed. This measure put an end directly to the "Great Mogul's Company,"
+as Fielding had called his troop, and indirectly to its manager's career
+as a playwright. He did indeed write a few pieces in future years, but
+they were of the smallest importance.
+
+After this check he turned at last to a serious profession, entered
+himself of the Middle Temple in November of the same year, and was
+called three years later; but during these years, and indeed for some
+time afterwards, our information about him is still of the vaguest
+character. Nobody doubts that he had a large share in the _Champion_, an
+essay-periodical on the usual eighteenth-century model, which began to
+appear in 1739, and which is still occasionally consulted for the work
+that is certainly or probably his. He went the Western Circuit, and
+attended the Wiltshire Sessions, after he was called, giving up his
+contributions to periodicals soon after that event. But he soon returned
+to literature proper, or rather made his _debut_ in it, with the
+immortal book now republished. The _History of the Adventures of Joseph
+Andrews, and his Friend Mr Abraham Adams_, appeared in February 1742,
+and its author received from Andrew Millar, the publisher, the sum of
+L183, 11s. Even greater works have fetched much smaller sums; but it
+will be admitted that _Joseph Andrews_ was not dear.
+
+The advantage, however, of presenting a survey of an author's life
+uninterrupted by criticism is so clear, that what has to be said about
+_Joseph_ may be conveniently postponed for the moment. Immediately after
+its publication the author fell back upon miscellaneous writing, and in
+the next year (1743) collected and issued three volumes of
+_Miscellanies_. In the two first volumes the only thing of much interest
+is the unfinished and unequal, but in part powerful, _Journey from this
+World to the Next_, an attempt of a kind which Fontenelle and others,
+following Lucian, had made very popular with the time. But the third
+volume of the _Miscellanies_ deserved a less modest and gregarious
+appearance, for it contained, and is wholly occupied by, the wonderful
+and terrible satire of _Jonathan Wild_, the greatest piece of pure irony
+in English out of Swift. Soon after the publication of the book, a great
+calamity came on Fielding. His wife had been very ill when he wrote the
+preface; soon afterwards she was dead. They had taken the chance, had
+made the choice, that the more prudent and less wise student-hero and
+heroine of Mr Browning's _Youth and Art_ had shunned; they had no doubt
+"sighed deep, laughed free, Starved, feasted, despaired," and we need
+not question, that they had also "been happy."
+
+Except this sad event and its rather incongruous sequel, Fielding's
+marriage to his wife's maid Mary Daniel--a marriage, however, which did
+not take place till full four years later, and which by all accounts
+supplied him with a faithful and excellent companion and nurse, and his
+children with a kind stepmother--little or nothing is again known of
+this elusive man of genius between the publication of the _Miscellanies_
+in 1743, and that of _Tom Jones_ in 1749. The second marriage itself in
+November 1747; an interview which Joseph Warton had with him rather more
+than a year earlier (one of the very few direct interviews we have); the
+publication of two anti-Jacobite newspapers (Fielding was always a
+strong Whig and Hanoverian), called the _True Patriot_ and the
+_Jacobite's Journal_ in 1745 and the following years; some indistinct
+traditions about residences at Twickenham and elsewhere, and some, more
+precise but not much more authenticated, respecting patronage by the
+Duke of Bedford, Mr Lyttelton, Mr Allen, and others, pretty well sum up
+the whole.
+
+_Tom Jones_ was published in February (a favourite month with Fielding
+or his publisher Millar) 1749; and as it brought him the, for those
+days, very considerable sum of L600 to which Millar added another
+hundred later, the novelist must have been, for a time at any rate,
+relieved from his chronic penury. But he had already, by Lyttelton's
+interest, secured his first and last piece of preferment, being made
+Justice of the Peace for Westminster, an office on which he entered with
+characteristic vigour. He was qualified for it not merely by a solid
+knowledge of the law, and by great natural abilities, but by his
+thorough kindness of heart; and, perhaps, it may also be added, by his
+long years of queer experience on (as Mr Carlyle would have said) the
+"burning marl" of the London Bohemia. Very shortly afterwards he was
+chosen Chairman of Quarter Sessions, and established himself in Bow
+Street. The Bow Street magistrate of that time occupied a most singular
+position, and was more like a French Prefect of Police or even a
+Minister of Public Safety than a mere justice. Yet he was ill paid.
+Fielding says that the emoluments, which before his accession had but
+been L500 a year of "dirty" money, were by his own action but L300 of
+clean; and the work, if properly performed, was very severe.
+
+That he performed it properly all competent evidence shows, a foolish,
+inconclusive, and I fear it must be said emphatically snobbish story of
+Walpole's notwithstanding. In particular, he broke up a gang of
+cut-throat thieves, which had been the terror of London. But his tenure
+of the post was short enough, and scarcely extended to five years. His
+health had long been broken, and he was now constantly attacked by gout,
+so that he had frequently to retreat on Bath from Bow Street, or his
+suburban cottage of Fordhook, Ealing. But he did not relax his literary
+work. His pen was active with pamphlets concerning his office; _Amelia_,
+his last novel, appeared towards the close of 1751; and next year saw
+the beginning of a new paper, the _Covent Garden Journal_, which
+appeared twice a week, ran for the greater part of the year, and died in
+November. Its great author did not see that month twice again. In the
+spring of 1753 he grew worse; and after a year's struggle with ill
+health, hard work, and hard weather, lesser measures being pronounced
+useless, was persuaded to try the "Portugal Voyage," of which he has
+left so charming a record in the _Journey to Lisbon_. He left Fordhook
+on June 26, 1754, reached Lisbon in August, and, dying there on the 8th
+of October, was buried in the cemetery of the Estrella.
+
+Of not many writers perhaps does a clearer notion, as far as their
+personality goes, exist in the general mind that interests itself at all
+in literature than of Fielding. Yet more than once a warning has been
+sounded, especially by his best and most recent biographer, to the
+effect that this idea is founded upon very little warranty of scripture.
+The truth is, that as the foregoing record--which, brief as it is, is a
+sufficiently faithful summary--will have shown, we know very little
+about Fielding. We have hardly any letters of his, and so lack the best
+by far and the most revealing of all character-portraits; we have but
+one important autobiographic fragment, and though that is of the highest
+interest and value, it was written far in the valley of the shadow of
+death, it is not in the least retrospective, and it affords but dim and
+inferential light on his younger, healthier, and happier days and ways.
+He came, moreover, just short of one set of men of letters, of whom we
+have a great deal of personal knowledge, and just beyond another. He was
+neither of those about Addison, nor of those about Johnson. No intimate
+friend of his has left us anything elaborate about him. On the other
+hand, we have a far from inconsiderable body of documentary evidence, of
+a kind often by no means trustworthy. The best part of it is contained
+in the letters of his cousin, Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, and the
+reminiscences or family traditions of her grand-daughter, Lady Louisa
+Stuart. But Lady Mary, vivacious and agreeable as she is, had with all
+her talent a very considerable knack of writing for effect, of drawing
+strong contrasts and the like; and it is not quite certain that she saw
+very much of Fielding in the last and most interesting third of his
+life. Another witness, Horace Walpole, to less knowledge and equally
+dubious accuracy, added decided ill-will, which may have been due partly
+to the shrinking of a dilettante and a fop from a burly Bohemian; but I
+fear is also consequent upon the fact that Horace could not afford to
+despise Fielding's birth, and knew him to be vastly his own superior in
+genius. We hear something of him again from Richardson; and Richardson
+hated him with the hatred of dissimilar genius, of inferior social
+position, and, lastly, of the cat for the dog who touzles and worries
+her. Johnson partly inherited or shared Richardson's aversion, partly
+was blinded to Fielding's genius by his aggressive Whiggery. I fear,
+too, that he was incapable of appreciating it for reasons other than
+political. It is certain that Johnson, sane and robust as he was, was
+never quite at ease before genius of the gigantic kind, either in dead
+or living. Whether he did not like to have to look up too much, or was
+actually unable to do so, it is certain that Shakespeare, Milton,
+Swift, and Fielding, those four Atlantes of English verse and prose, all
+affected him with lukewarm admiration, or with positive dislike, for
+which it is vain to attempt to assign any uniform secondary cause,
+political or other. It may be permitted to hint another reason. All
+Johnson's most sharp-sighted critics have noticed, though most have
+discreetly refrained from insisting on, his "thorn-in-the-flesh," the
+combination in him of very strong physical passions with the deepest
+sense of the moral and religious duty of abstinence. It is perhaps
+impossible to imagine anything more distasteful to a man so buffeted,
+than the extreme indulgence with which Fielding regards, and the easy
+freedom, not to say gusto, with which he depicts, those who succumb to
+similar temptation. Only by supposing the workings of some subtle
+influence of this kind is it possible to explain, even in so capricious
+a humour as Johnson's, the famous and absurd application of the term
+"barren rascal" to a writer who, dying almost young, after having for
+many years lived a life of pleasure, and then for four or five one of
+laborious official duty, has left work anything but small in actual
+bulk, and fertile with the most luxuriant growth of intellectual
+originality.
+
+Partly on the _obiter dicta_ of persons like these, partly on the still
+more tempting and still more treacherous ground of indications drawn
+from his works, a Fielding of fantasy has been constructed, which in
+Thackeray's admirable sketch attains real life and immortality as a
+creature of art, but which possesses rather dubious claims as a
+historical character. It is astonishing how this Fielding of fantasy
+sinks and shrivels when we begin to apply the horrid tests of criticism
+to his component parts. The _eidolon_, with inked ruffles and a towel
+round his head, sits in the Temple and dashes off articles for the
+_Covent Garden Journal_; then comes Criticism, hellish maid, and reminds
+us that when the _Covent Garden Journal_ appeared, Fielding's wild oats,
+if ever sown at all, had been sown long ago; that he was a busy
+magistrate and householder in Bow Street; and that, if he had towels
+round his head, it was probably less because he had exceeded in liquor
+than because his Grace of Newcastle had given him a headache by wanting
+elaborate plans and schemes prepared at an hour's notice. Lady Mary,
+apparently with some envy, tells us that he could "feel rapture with his
+cook-maid." "Which many has," as Mr Ridley remarks, from Xanthias
+Phoceus downwards; but when we remember the historic fact that he
+married this maid (not a "cook-maid" at all), and that though he always
+speaks of her with warm affection and hearty respect, such "raptures" as
+we have of his clearly refer to a very different woman, who was both a
+lady and a beautiful one, we begin a little to shake our heads. Horace
+Walpole at second-hand draws us a Fielding, pigging with low companions
+in a house kept like a hedge tavern; Fielding himself, within a year or
+two, shows us more than half-undesignedly in the _Voyage to Lisbon_ that
+he was very careful about the appointments and decency of his table,
+that he stood rather upon ceremony in regard to his own treatment of his
+family, and the treatment of them and himself by others, and that he was
+altogether a person orderly, correct, and even a little finikin. Nor is
+there the slightest reasonable reason to regard this as a piece of
+hypocrisy, a vice as alien from the Fielding of fancy as from the
+Fielding of fact, and one the particular manifestation of which, in this
+particular place, would have been equally unlikely and unintelligible.
+
+It may be asked whether I propose to substitute for the traditional
+Fielding a quite different person, of regular habits and methodical
+economy. Certainly not. The traditional estimate of great men is rarely
+wrong altogether, but it constantly has a habit of exaggerating and
+dramatising their characteristics. For some things in Fielding's career
+we have positive evidence of document, and evidence hardly less certain
+of probability. Although I believe the best judges are now of opinion
+that his impecuniosity has been overcharged, he certainly had
+experiences which did not often fall to the lot of even a cadet of good
+family in the eighteenth century. There can be no reasonable doubt that
+he was a man who had a leaning towards pretty girls and bottles of good
+wine; and I should suppose that if the girl were kind and fairly
+winsome, he would not have insisted that she should possess Helen's
+beauty, that if the bottle of good wine were not forthcoming, he would
+have been very tolerant of a mug of good ale. He may very possibly have
+drunk more than he should, and lost more than he could conveniently pay.
+It may be put down as morally ascertained that towards all these
+weaknesses of humanity, and others like unto them, he held an attitude
+which was less that of the unassailable philosopher than that of the
+sympathiser, indulgent and excusing. In regard more especially to what
+are commonly called moral delinquencies, this attitude was so decided
+as to shock some people even in those days, and many in these. Just when
+the first sheets of this edition were passing through the press, a
+violent attack was made in a newspaper correspondence on the morality of
+_Tom Jones_ by certain notorious advocates of Purity, as some say, of
+Pruriency and Prudery combined, according to less complimentary
+estimates. Even midway between the two periods we find the admirable
+Miss Ferrier, a sister of Fielding's own craft, who sometimes had
+touches of nature and satire not far inferior to his own, expressing by
+the mouth of one of her characters with whom she seems partly to agree,
+the sentiment that his works are "vanishing like noxious exhalations."
+Towards any misdoing by persons of the one sex towards persons of the
+other, when it involved brutality or treachery, Fielding was pitiless;
+but when treachery and brutality were not concerned, he was, to say the
+least, facile. So, too, he probably knew by experience--he certainly
+knew by native shrewdness and acquired observation--that to look too
+much on the wine when it is red, or on the cards when they are
+parti-coloured, is ruinous to health and fortune; but he thought not
+over badly of any man who did these things. Still it is possible to
+admit this in him, and to stop short of that idea of a careless and
+reckless _viveur_ which has so often been put forward. In particular,
+Lady Mary's view of his childlike enjoyment of the moment has been, I
+think, much exaggerated by posterity, and was probably not a little
+mistaken by the lady herself. There are two moods in which the motto is
+_Carpe diem_, one a mood of simply childish hurry, the other one where
+behind the enjoyment of the moment lurks, and in which the enjoyment of
+the moment is not a little heightened by, that vast ironic consciousness
+of the before and after, which I at least see everywhere in the
+background of Fielding's work.
+
+The man, however, of whom we know so little, concerns us much less than
+the author of the works, of which it only rests with ourselves to know
+everything. I have above classed Fielding as one of the four Atlantes of
+English verse and prose, and I doubt not that both the phrase and the
+application of it to him will meet with question and demur. I have only
+to interject, as the critic so often has to interject, a request to the
+court to take what I say in the sense in which I say it. I do not mean
+that Shakespeare, Milton, Swift, and Fielding are in all or even in most
+respects on a level. I do not mean that the three last are in all
+respects of the greatest names in English literature. I only mean that,
+in a certain quality, which for want of a better word I have chosen to
+call Atlantean, they stand alone. Each of them, for the metaphor is
+applicable either way, carries a whole world on his shoulders, or looks
+down on a whole world from his natural altitude. The worlds are
+different, but they are worlds; and though the attitude of the giants is
+different also, it agrees in all of them on the points of competence and
+strength. Take whomsoever else we may among our men of letters, and we
+shall find this characteristic to be in comparison wanting. These four
+carry their world, and are not carried by it; and if it, in the language
+so dear to Fielding himself, were to crash and shatter, the inquiry,
+"_Que vous reste-t-il?_" could be answered by each, "_Moi!_"
+
+The appearance which Fielding makes is no doubt the most modest of the
+four. He has not Shakespeare's absolute universality, and in fact not
+merely the poet's tongue, but the poet's thought seems to have been
+denied him. His sphere is not the ideal like Milton's. His irony,
+splendid as it is, falls a little short of that diabolical magnificence
+which exalts Swift to the point whence, in his own way, he surveys all
+the kingdoms of the world, and the glory or vainglory of them. All
+Fielding's critics have noted the manner, in a certain sense modest, in
+another ostentatious, in which he seems to confine himself to the
+presentation of things English. They might have added to the
+presentation of things English--as they appear in London, and on the
+Western Circuit, and on the Bath Road.
+
+But this apparent parochialism has never deceived good judges. It did
+not deceive Lady Mary, who had seen the men and manners of very many
+climes; it did not deceive Gibbon, who was not especially prone to
+overvalue things English, and who could look down from twenty centuries
+on things ephemeral. It deceives, indeed, I am told, some excellent
+persons at the present day, who think Fielding's microcosm a "toylike
+world," and imagine that Russian Nihilists and French Naturalists have
+gone beyond it. It will deceive no one who has lived for some competent
+space of time a life during which he has tried to regard his
+fellow-creatures and himself, as nearly as a mortal may, _sub specie
+aeternitatis_.
+
+As this is in the main an introduction to a complete reprint of
+Fielding's four great novels, the justification in detail of the
+estimate just made or hinted of the novelist's genius will be best and
+most fitly made by a brief successive discussion of the four as they are
+here presented, with some subsequent remarks on the _Miscellanies_ here
+selected. And, indeed, it is not fanciful to perceive in each book a
+somewhat different presentment of the author's genius; though in no one
+of the four is any one of his masterly qualities absent. There is
+tenderness even in _Jonathan Wild_; there are touches in _Joseph
+Andrews_ of that irony of the Preacher, the last echo of which is heard
+amid the kindly resignation of the _Journey to Lisbon_, in the sentence,
+"Whereas envy of all things most exposes us to danger from others, so
+contempt of all things best secures us from them." But on the whole it
+is safe to say that _Joseph Andrews_ best presents Fielding's
+mischievous and playful wit; _Jonathan Wild_ his half-Lucianic
+half-Swiftian irony; _Tom Jones_ his unerring knowledge of human nature,
+and his constructive faculty; _Amelia_ his tenderness, his _mitis
+sapientia_, his observation of the details of life. And first of
+the first.
+
+_The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his friend Mr
+Abraham Adams_ was, as has been said above, published in February 1742.
+A facsimile of the agreement between author and publisher will be given
+in the second volume of this series; and it is not uninteresting to
+observe that the witness, William Young, is none other than the asserted
+original of the immortal Mr Adams himself. He might, on Balzac's plea in
+a tolerably well-known anecdote, have demanded half of the L183, 11s. Of
+the other origins of the book we have a pretty full account, partly
+documentary. That it is "writ in the manner of Cervantes," and is
+intended as a kind of comic epic, is the author's own statement--no
+doubt as near the actual truth as is consistent with comic-epic theory.
+That there are resemblances to Scarron, to Le Sage, and to other
+practitioners of the Picaresque novel is certain; and it was inevitable
+that there should be. Of directer and more immediate models or
+starting-points one is undoubted; the other, though less generally
+admitted, not much less indubitable to my mind. The parody of
+Richardson's _Pamela_, which was little more than a year earlier (Nov.
+1740), is avowed, open, flagrant; nor do I think that the author was so
+soon carried away by the greater and larger tide of his own invention as
+some critics seem to hold. He is always more or less returning to the
+ironic charge; and the multiplicity of the assailants of Joseph's virtue
+only disguises the resemblance to the long-drawn dangers of Pamela from
+a single ravisher. But Fielding was also well acquainted with Marivaux's
+_Paysan Parvenu_, and the resemblances between that book and _Joseph
+Andrews_ are much stronger than Fielding's admirers have always been
+willing to admit. This recalcitrance has, I think, been mainly due to
+the erroneous conception of Marivaux as, if not a mere fribble, yet a
+Dresden-Shepherdess kind of writer, good at "preciousness" and
+patch-and-powder manners, but nothing more.
+
+There was, in fact, a very strong satiric and ironic touch in the author
+of _Marianne_, and I do not think that I was too rash when some years
+ago I ventured to speak of him as "playing Fielding to his own
+Richardson" in the _Paysan Parvenu_.
+
+Origins, however, and indebtedness and the like, are, when great work is
+concerned, questions for the study and the lecture-room, for the
+literary historian and the professional critic, rather than for the
+reader, however intelligent and alert, who wishes to enjoy a
+masterpiece, and is content simply to enjoy it. It does not really
+matter how close to anything else something which possesses independent
+goodness is; the very utmost technical originality, the most spotless
+purity from the faintest taint of suggestion, will not suffice to confer
+merit on what does not otherwise possess it. Whether, as I rather think,
+Fielding pursued the plan he had formed _ab incepto_, or whether he
+cavalierly neglected it, or whether the current of his own genius
+carried him off his legs and landed him, half against his will, on the
+shore of originality, are questions for the Schools, and, as I venture
+to think, not for the higher forms in them. We have _Joseph Andrews_ as
+it is; and we may be abundantly thankful for it. The contents of it, as
+of all Fielding's work in this kind, include certain things for which
+the moderns are scantly grateful. Of late years, and not of late years
+only, there has grown up a singular and perhaps an ignorant impatience
+of digressions, of episodes, of tales within a tale. The example of this
+which has been most maltreated is the "Man of the Hill" episode in _Tom
+Jones_; but the stories of the "Unfortunate Jilt" and of Mr Wilson in
+our present subject, do not appear to me to be much less obnoxious to
+the censure; and _Amelia_ contains more than one or two things of the
+same kind. Me they do not greatly disturb; and I see many defences for
+them besides the obvious, and at a pinch sufficient one, that
+divagations of this kind existed in all Fielding's Spanish and French
+models, that the public of the day expected them, and so forth. This
+defence is enough, but it is easy to amplify and reintrench it. It is
+not by any means the fact that the Picaresque novel of adventure is the
+only or the chief form of fiction which prescribes or admits these
+episodic excursions. All the classical epics have them; many eastern and
+other stories present them; they are common, if not invariable, in the
+abundant mediaeval literature of prose and verse romance; they are not
+unknown by any means in the modern novel; and you will very rarely hear
+a story told orally at the dinner-table or in the smoking-room without
+something of the kind. There must, therefore, be something in them
+corresponding to an inseparable accident of that most unchanging of all
+things, human nature. And I do not think the special form with which we
+are here concerned by any means the worst that they have taken. It has
+the grand and prominent virtue of being at once and easily skippable.
+There is about Cervantes and Le Sage, about Fielding and Smollett, none
+of the treachery of the modern novelist, who induces the conscientious
+reader to drag through pages, chapters, and sometimes volumes which have
+nothing to do with the action, for fear he should miss something that
+has to do with it. These great men have a fearless frankness, and almost
+tell you in so many words when and what you may skip. Therefore, if the
+"Curious Impertinent," and the "Baneful Marriage," and the "Man of the
+Hill," and the "Lady of Quality," get in the way, when you desire to
+"read for the story," you have nothing to do but turn the page till
+_finis_ comes. The defence has already been made by an illustrious hand
+for Fielding's inter-chapters and exordiums. It appears to me to be
+almost more applicable to his insertions.
+
+And so we need not trouble ourselves any more either about the
+insertions or about the exordiums. They both please me; the second class
+has pleased persons much better worth pleasing than I can pretend to be;
+but the making or marring of the book lies elsewhere. I do not think
+that it lies in the construction, though Fielding's following of the
+ancients, both sincere and satiric, has imposed a false air of
+regularity upon that. The Odyssey of Joseph, of Fanny, and of their
+ghostly mentor and bodily guard is, in truth, a little haphazard, and
+might have been longer or shorter without any discreet man approving it
+the more or the less therefor. The real merits lie partly in the
+abounding humour and satire of the artist's criticism, but even more in
+the marvellous vivacity and fertility of his creation. For the very
+first time in English prose fiction every character is alive, every
+incident is capable of having happened. There are lively touches in the
+Elizabethan romances; but they are buried in verbiage, swathed in stage
+costume, choked and fettered by their authors' want of art. The quality
+of Bunyan's knowledge of men was not much inferior to Shakespeare's, or
+at least to Fielding's; but the range and the results of it were cramped
+by his single theological purpose, and his unvaried allegoric or typical
+form. Why Defoe did not discover the New World of Fiction, I at least
+have never been able to put into any brief critical formula that
+satisfies me, and I have never seen it put by any one else. He had not
+only seen it afar off, he had made landings and descents on it; he had
+carried off and exhibited in triumph natives such as Robinson Crusoe,
+as Man Friday, as Moll Flanders, as William the Quaker; but he had
+conquered, subdued, and settled no province therein. I like _Pamela_; I
+like it better than some persons who admire Richardson on the whole more
+than I do, seem to like it. But, as in all its author's work, the
+handling seems to me academic--the working out on paper of an
+ingeniously conceived problem rather than the observation or evolution
+of actual or possible life. I should not greatly fear to push the
+comparison even into foreign countries; but it is well to observe
+limits. Let us be content with holding that in England at least, without
+prejudice to anything further, Fielding was the first to display the
+qualities of the perfect novelist as distinguished from the romancer.
+
+What are those qualities, as shown in _Joseph Andrews_? The faculty of
+arranging a probable and interesting course of action is one, of course,
+and Fielding showed it here. But I do not think that it is at any time
+the greatest one; and nobody denies that he made great advances in this
+direction later. The faculty of lively dialogue is another; and that he
+has not often been refused; but much the same may be said of it. The
+interspersing of appropriate description is another; but here also we
+shall not find him exactly a paragon. It is in character--the chief
+_differentia_ of the novel as distinguished not merely from its elder
+sister the romance, and its cousin the drama, but still more from every
+other kind of literature--that Fielding stands even here pre-eminent. No
+one that I can think of, except his greatest successor in the present
+century, has the same unfailing gift of breathing life into every
+character he creates or borrows; and even Thackeray draws, if I may use
+the phrase, his characters more in the flat and less in the round than
+Fielding. Whether in Blifil he once failed, we must discuss hereafter;
+he has failed nowhere in _Joseph Andrews_. Some of his sketches may
+require the caution that they are eighteenth-century men and women; some
+the warning that they are obviously caricatured, or set in designed
+profile, or merely sketched. But they are all alive. The finical
+estimate of Gray (it is a horrid joy to think how perfectly capable
+Fielding was of having joined in that practical joke of the young
+gentlemen of Cambridge, which made Gray change his college), while
+dismissing these light things with patronage, had to admit that "parson
+Adams is perfectly well, so is Mrs Slipslop." "They _were_, Mr
+Gray," said some one once, "they were more perfectly well, and in a
+higher kind, than anything you ever did; though you were a pretty
+workman too."
+
+Yes, parson Adams is perfectly well, and so is Mrs Slipslop. But so are
+they all. Even the hero and heroine, tied and bound as they are by the
+necessity under which their maker lay of preserving Joseph's
+Joseph-hood, and of making Fanny the example of a franker and less
+interested virtue than her sister-in-law that might have been, are
+surprisingly human where most writers would have made them sticks. And
+the rest require no allowance. Lady Booby, few as are the strokes given
+to her, is not much less alive than Lady Bellaston. Mr Trulliber,
+monster and not at all delicate monster as he is, is also a man, and
+when he lays it down that no one even in his own house shall drink when
+he "caaled vurst," one can but pay his maker the tribute of that silent
+shudder of admiration which hails the addition of one more everlasting
+entity to the world of thought and fancy. And Mr Tow-wouse is real, and
+Mrs Tow-wouse is more real still, and Betty is real; and the coachman,
+and Miss Grave-airs, and all the wonderful crew from first to last. The
+dresses they wear, the manners they exhibit, the laws they live under,
+the very foods and drinks they live upon, are "past like the shadows on
+glasses"--to the comfort and rejoicing of some, to the greater or less
+sorrow of others. But _they_ are there--alive, full of blood, full of
+breath as we are, and, in truth, I fear a little more so. For some
+purposes a century is a gap harder to cross and more estranging than a
+couple of millenniums. But in their case the gap is nothing; and it is
+not too much to say that as they have stood the harder test, they will
+stand the easier. There are very striking differences between Nausicaa
+and Mrs Slipslop; there are differences not less striking between Mrs
+Slipslop and Beatrice. But their likeness is a stranger and more
+wonderful thing than any of their unlikenesses. It is that they are
+all women, that they are all live citizenesses of the Land of Matters
+Unforgot, the fashion whereof passeth not away, and the franchise
+whereof, once acquired, assures immortality.
+
+
+
+NOTE TO GENERAL INTRODUCTION.
+
+
+_The text of this issue in the main follows that of the standard or
+first collected edition of 1762. The variants which the author
+introduced in successive editions during his lifetime are not
+inconsiderable; but for the purposes of the present issue it did not
+seem necessary or indeed desirable to take account of them. In the case
+of prose fiction, more than in any other department of literature, it is
+desirable that work should be read in the form which represents the
+completest intention and execution of the author. Nor have any notes
+been attempted; for again such things, in the case of prose fiction, are
+of very doubtful use, and supply pretty certain stumbling-blocks to
+enjoyment; while in the particular case of Fielding, the annotation,
+unless extremely capricious, would have to be disgustingly full. Far be
+it at any rate from the present editor to bury these delightful
+creations under an ugly crust of parallel passages and miscellaneous
+erudition. The sheets, however, have been carefully read in order to
+prevent the casual errors which are wont to creep into frequently
+reprinted texts; and the editor hopes that if any such have escaped him,
+the escape will not be attributed to wilful negligence. A few obvious
+errors, in spelling of proper names, &c., which occur in the 1762
+version have been corrected: but wherever the readings of that version
+are possible they have been preferred. The embellishments of the edition
+are partly fanciful and partly "documentary;" so that it is hoped both
+classes of taste may have something to feed upon._
+
+
+
+
+AUTHOR'S PREFACE.
+
+
+As it is possible the mere English reader may have a different idea of
+romance from the author of these little[A] volumes, and may consequently
+expect a kind of entertainment not to be found, nor which was even
+intended, in the following pages, it may not be improper to premise a
+few words concerning this kind of writing, which I do not remember to
+have seen hitherto attempted in our language.
+
+[A] _Joseph Andrews_ was originally published in 2 vols. duodecimo.
+
+The EPIC, as well as the DRAMA, is divided into tragedy and comedy.
+HOMER, who was the father of this species of poetry, gave us a pattern
+of both these, though that of the latter kind is entirely lost; which
+Aristotle tells us, bore the same relation to comedy which his Iliad
+bears to tragedy. And perhaps, that we have no more instances of it
+among the writers of antiquity, is owing to the loss of this great
+pattern, which, had it survived, would have found its imitators equally
+with the other poems of this great original.
+
+And farther, as this poetry may be tragic or comic, I will not scruple
+to say it may be likewise either in verse or prose: for though it wants
+one particular, which the critic enumerates in the constituent parts of
+an epic poem, namely metre; yet, when any kind of writing contains all
+its other parts, such as fable, action, characters, sentiments, and
+diction, and is deficient in metre only, it seems, I think, reasonable
+to refer it to the epic; at least, as no critic hath thought proper to
+range it under any other head, or to assign it a particular name
+to itself.
+
+Thus the Telemachus of the archbishop of Cambray appears to me of the
+epic kind, as well as the Odyssey of Homer; indeed, it is much fairer
+and more reasonable to give it a name common with that species from
+which it differs only in a single instance, than to confound it with
+those which it resembles in no other. Such are those voluminous works,
+commonly called Romances, namely, Clelia, Cleopatra, Astraea, Cassandra,
+the Grand Cyrus, and innumerable others, which contain, as I apprehend,
+very little instruction or entertainment.
+
+Now, a comic romance is a comic epic poem in prose; differing from
+comedy, as the serious epic from tragedy: its action being more extended
+and comprehensive; containing a much larger circle of incidents, and
+introducing a greater variety of characters. It differs from the serious
+romance in its fable and action, in this; that as in the one these are
+grave and solemn, so in the other they are light and ridiculous: it
+differs in its characters by introducing persons of inferior rank, and
+consequently, of inferior manners, whereas the grave romance sets the
+highest before us: lastly, in its sentiments and diction; by preserving
+the ludicrous instead of the sublime. In the diction, I think,
+burlesque itself may be sometimes admitted; of which many instances
+will occur in this work, as in the description of the battles, and some
+other places, not necessary to be pointed out to the classical reader,
+for whose entertainment those parodies or burlesque imitations are
+chiefly calculated.
+
+But though we have sometimes admitted this in our diction, we have
+carefully excluded it from our sentiments and characters; for there it
+is never properly introduced, unless in writings of the burlesque kind,
+which this is not intended to be. Indeed, no two species of writing can
+differ more widely than the comic and the burlesque; for as the latter
+is ever the exhibition of what is monstrous and unnatural, and where our
+delight, if we examine it, arises from the surprizing absurdity, as in
+appropriating the manners of the highest to the lowest, or _e converso_;
+so in the former we should ever confine ourselves strictly to nature,
+from the just imitation of which will flow all the pleasure we can this
+way convey to a sensible reader. And perhaps there is one reason why a
+comic writer should of all others be the least excused for deviating
+from nature, since it may not be always so easy for a serious poet to
+meet with the great and the admirable; but life everywhere furnishes an
+accurate observer with the ridiculous.
+
+I have hinted this little concerning burlesque, because I have often
+heard that name given to performances which have been truly of the comic
+kind, from the author's having sometimes admitted it in his diction
+only; which, as it is the dress of poetry, doth, like the dress of men,
+establish characters (the one of the whole poem, and the other of the
+whole man), in vulgar opinion, beyond any of their greater excellences:
+but surely, a certain drollery in stile, where characters and sentiments
+are perfectly natural, no more constitutes the burlesque, than an empty
+pomp and dignity of words, where everything else is mean and low, can
+entitle any performance to the appellation of the true sublime.
+
+And I apprehend my Lord Shaftesbury's opinion of mere burlesque agrees
+with mine, when he asserts, There is no such thing to be found in the
+writings of the ancients. But perhaps I have less abhorrence than he
+professes for it; and that, not because I have had some little success
+on the stage this way, but rather as it contributes more to exquisite
+mirth and laughter than any other; and these are probably more wholesome
+physic for the mind, and conduce better to purge away spleen,
+melancholy, and ill affections, than is generally imagined. Nay, I will
+appeal to common observation, whether the same companies are not found
+more full of good-humour and benevolence, after they have been sweetened
+for two or three hours with entertainments of this kind, than when
+soured by a tragedy or a grave lecture.
+
+But to illustrate all this by another science, in which, perhaps, we
+shall see the distinction more clearly and plainly, let us examine the
+works of a comic history painter, with those performances which the
+Italians call Caricatura, where we shall find the true excellence of the
+former to consist in the exactest copying of nature; insomuch that a
+judicious eye instantly rejects anything _outre_, any liberty which the
+painter hath taken with the features of that _alma mater_; whereas in
+the Caricatura we allow all licence--its aim is to exhibit monsters,
+not men; and all distortions and exaggerations whatever are within its
+proper province.
+
+Now, what Caricatura is in painting, Burlesque is in writing; and in the
+same manner the comic writer and painter correlate to each other. And
+here I shall observe, that, as in the former the painter seems to have
+the advantage; so it is in the latter infinitely on the side of the
+writer; for the Monstrous is much easier to paint than describe, and the
+Ridiculous to describe than paint.
+
+And though perhaps this latter species doth not in either science so
+strongly affect and agitate the muscles as the other; yet it will be
+owned, I believe, that a more rational and useful pleasure arises to us
+from it. He who should call the ingenious Hogarth a burlesque painter,
+would, in my opinion, do him very little honour; for sure it is much
+easier, much less the subject of admiration, to paint a man with a nose,
+or any other feature, of a preposterous size, or to expose him in some
+absurd or monstrous attitude, than to express the affections of men on
+canvas. It hath been thought a vast commendation of a painter to say his
+figures seem to breathe; but surely it is a much greater and nobler
+applause, that they appear to think.
+
+But to return. The Ridiculous only, as I have before said, falls within
+my province in the present work. Nor will some explanation of this word
+be thought impertinent by the reader, if he considers how wonderfully it
+hath been mistaken, even by writers who have professed it: for to what
+but such a mistake can we attribute the many attempts to ridicule the
+blackest villanies, and, what is yet worse, the most dreadful
+calamities? What could exceed the absurdity of an author, who should
+write the comedy of Nero, with the merry incident of ripping up his
+mother's belly? or what would give a greater shock to humanity than an
+attempt to expose the miseries of poverty and distress to ridicule? And
+yet the reader will not want much learning to suggest such instances
+to himself.
+
+Besides, it may seem remarkable, that Aristotle, who is so fond and free
+of definitions, hath not thought proper to define the Ridiculous.
+Indeed, where he tells us it is proper to comedy, he hath remarked that
+villany is not its object: but he hath not, as I remember, positively
+asserted what is. Nor doth the Abbe Bellegarde, who hath written a
+treatise on this subject, though he shows us many species of it, once
+trace it to its fountain.
+
+The only source of the true Ridiculous (as it appears to me) is
+affectation. But though it arises from one spring only, when we consider
+the infinite streams into which this one branches, we shall presently
+cease to admire at the copious field it affords to an observer. Now,
+affectation proceeds from one of these two causes, vanity or hypocrisy:
+for as vanity puts us on affecting false characters, in order to
+purchase applause; so hypocrisy sets us on an endeavour to avoid
+censure, by concealing our vices under an appearance of their opposite
+virtues. And though these two causes are often confounded (for there is
+some difficulty in distinguishing them), yet, as they proceed from very
+different motives, so they are as clearly distinct in their operations:
+for indeed, the affectation which arises from vanity is nearer to truth
+than the other, as it hath not that violent repugnancy of nature to
+struggle with, which that of the hypocrite hath. It may be likewise
+noted, that affectation doth not imply an absolute negation of those
+qualities which are affected; and, therefore, though, when it proceeds
+from hypocrisy, it be nearly allied to deceit; yet when it comes from
+vanity only, it partakes of the nature of ostentation: for instance, the
+affectation of liberality in a vain man differs visibly from the same
+affectation in the avaricious; for though the vain man is not what he
+would appear, or hath not the virtue he affects, to the degree he would
+be thought to have it; yet it sits less awkwardly on him than on the
+avaricious man, who is the very reverse of what he would seem to be.
+
+From the discovery of this affectation arises the Ridiculous, which
+always strikes the reader with surprize and pleasure; and that in a
+higher and stronger degree when the affectation arises from hypocrisy,
+than when from vanity; for to discover any one to be the exact reverse
+of what he affects, is more surprizing, and consequently more
+ridiculous, than to find him a little deficient in the quality he
+desires the reputation of. I might observe that our Ben Jonson, who of
+all men understood the Ridiculous the best, hath chiefly used the
+hypocritical affectation.
+
+Now, from affectation only, the misfortunes and calamities of life, or
+the imperfections of nature, may become the objects of ridicule. Surely
+he hath a very ill-framed mind who can look on ugliness, infirmity, or
+poverty, as ridiculous in themselves: nor do I believe any man living,
+who meets a dirty fellow riding through the streets in a cart, is
+struck with an idea of the Ridiculous from it; but if he should see the
+same figure descend from his coach and six, or bolt from his chair with
+his hat under his arm, he would then begin to laugh, and with justice.
+In the same manner, were we to enter a poor house and behold a wretched
+family shivering with cold and languishing with hunger, it would not
+incline us to laughter (at least we must have very diabolical natures if
+it would); but should we discover there a grate, instead of coals,
+adorned with flowers, empty plate or china dishes on the sideboard, or
+any other affectation of riches and finery, either on their persons or
+in their furniture, we might then indeed be excused for ridiculing so
+fantastical an appearance. Much less are natural imperfections the
+object of derision; but when ugliness aims at the applause of beauty, or
+lameness endeavours to display agility, it is then that these
+unfortunate circumstances, which at first moved our compassion, tend
+only to raise our mirth.
+
+The poet carries this very far:--
+
+    None are for being what they are in fault,
+    But for not being what they would be thought.
+
+Where if the metre would suffer the word Ridiculous to close the first
+line, the thought would be rather more proper. Great vices are the
+proper objects of our detestation, smaller faults, of our pity; but
+affectation appears to me the only true source of the Ridiculous.
+
+But perhaps it may be objected to me, that I have against my own rules
+introduced vices, and of a very black kind, into this work. To which I
+shall answer: first, that it is very difficult to pursue a series of
+human actions, and keep clear from them. Secondly, that the vices to be
+found here are rather the accidental consequences of some human frailty
+or foible, than causes habitually existing in the mind. Thirdly, that
+they are never set forth as the objects of ridicule, but detestation.
+Fourthly, that they are never the principal figure at that time on the
+scene: and, lastly, they never produce the intended evil.
+
+Having thus distinguished Joseph Andrews from the productions of romance
+writers on the one hand and burlesque writers on the other, and given
+some few very short hints (for I intended no more) of this species of
+writing, which I have affirmed to be hitherto unattempted in our
+language; I shall leave to my good-natured reader to apply my piece to
+my observations, and will detain him no longer than with a word
+concerning the characters in this work.
+
+And here I solemnly protest I have no intention to vilify or asperse any
+one; for though everything is copied from the book of nature, and scarce
+a character or action produced which I have not taken from my I own
+observations and experience; yet I have used the utmost care to obscure
+the persons by such different circumstances, degrees, and colours, that
+it will be impossible to guess at them with any degree of certainty; and
+if it ever happens otherwise, it is only where the failure characterized
+is so minute, that it is a foible only which the party himself may laugh
+at as well as any other.
+
+As to the character of Adams, as it is the most glaring in the whole, so
+I conceive it is not to be found in any book now extant. It is designed
+a character of perfect simplicity; and as the goodness of his heart
+will recommend him to the good-natured, so I hope it will excuse me to
+the gentlemen of his cloth; for whom, while they are worthy of their
+sacred order, no man can possibly have a greater respect. They will
+therefore excuse me, notwithstanding the low adventures in which he is
+engaged, that I have made him a clergyman; since no other office could
+have given him so many opportunities of displaying his worthy
+inclinations.
+
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF THE ADVENTURES OF JOSEPH ANDREWS AND HIS FRIEND MR
+ABRAHAM ADAMS
+
+
+
+
+BOOK I.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_Of writing lives in general, and particularly of Pamela; with a word by
+the bye of Colley Cibber and others._
+
+
+It is a trite but true observation, that examples work more forcibly on
+the mind than precepts: and if this be just in what is odious and
+blameable, it is more strongly so in what is amiable and praiseworthy.
+Here emulation most effectually operates upon us, and inspires our
+imitation in an irresistible manner. A good man therefore is a standing
+lesson to all his acquaintance, and of far greater use in that narrow
+circle than a good book.
+
+But as it often happens that the best men are but little known, and
+consequently cannot extend the usefulness of their examples a great way;
+the writer may be called in aid to spread their history farther, and to
+present the amiable pictures to those who have not the happiness of
+knowing the originals; and so, by communicating such valuable patterns
+to the world, he may perhaps do a more extensive service to mankind than
+the person whose life originally afforded the pattern.
+
+In this light I have always regarded those biographers who have recorded
+the actions of great and worthy persons of both sexes. Not to mention
+those antient writers which of late days are little read, being written
+in obsolete, and as they are generally thought, unintelligible
+languages, such as Plutarch, Nepos, and others which I heard of in my
+youth; our own language affords many of excellent use and instruction,
+finely calculated to sow the seeds of virtue in youth, and very easy to
+be comprehended by persons of moderate capacity. Such as the history of
+John the Great, who, by his brave and heroic actions against men of
+large and athletic bodies, obtained the glorious appellation of the
+Giant-killer; that of an Earl of Warwick, whose Christian name was Guy;
+the lives of Argalus and Parthenia; and above all, the history of those
+seven worthy personages, the Champions of Christendom. In all these
+delight is mixed with instruction, and the reader is almost as much
+improved as entertained.
+
+But I pass by these and many others to mention two books lately
+published, which represent an admirable pattern of the amiable in either
+sex. The former of these, which deals in male virtue, was written by the
+great person himself, who lived the life he hath recorded, and is by
+many thought to have lived such a life only in order to write it. The
+other is communicated to us by an historian who borrows his lights, as
+the common method is, from authentic papers and records. The reader, I
+believe, already conjectures, I mean the lives of Mr Colley Cibber and
+of Mrs Pamela Andrews. How artfully doth the former, by insinuating that
+he escaped being promoted to the highest stations in Church and State,
+teach us a contempt of worldly grandeur! how strongly doth he inculcate
+an absolute submission to our superiors! Lastly, how completely doth he
+arm us against so uneasy, so wretched a passion as the fear of shame!
+how clearly doth he expose the emptiness and vanity of that phantom,
+reputation!
+
+What the female readers are taught by the memoirs of Mrs Andrews is so
+well set forth in the excellent essays or letters prefixed to the second
+and subsequent editions of that work, that it would be here a needless
+repetition. The authentic history with which I now present the public is
+an instance of the great good that book is likely to do, and of the
+prevalence of example which I have just observed: since it will appear
+that it was by keeping the excellent pattern of his sister's virtues
+before his eyes, that Mr Joseph Andrews was chiefly enabled to preserve
+his purity in the midst of such great temptations. I shall only add that
+this character of male chastity, though doubtless as desirable and
+becoming in one part of the human species as in the other, is almost the
+only virtue which the great apologist hath not given himself for the
+sake of giving the example to his readers.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_Of Mr Joseph Andrews, his birth, parentage, education, and great
+endowments; with a word or two concerning ancestors._
+
+
+Mr Joseph Andrews, the hero of our ensuing history, was esteemed to be
+the only son of Gaffar and Gammer Andrews, and brother to the
+illustrious Pamela, whose virtue is at present so famous. As to his
+ancestors, we have searched with great diligence, but little success;
+being unable to trace them farther than his great-grandfather, who, as
+an elderly person in the parish remembers to have heard his father say,
+was an excellent cudgel-player. Whether he had any ancestors before
+this, we must leave to the opinion of our curious reader, finding
+nothing of sufficient certainty to rely on. However, we cannot omit
+inserting an epitaph which an ingenious friend of ours hath
+communicated:--
+
+    Stay, traveller, for underneath this pew
+    Lies fast asleep that merry man Andrew:
+    When the last day's great sun shall gild the skies,
+    Then he shall from his tomb get up and rise.
+    Be merry while thou canst: for surely thou
+    Shalt shortly be as sad as he is now.
+
+The words are almost out of the stone with antiquity. But it is needless
+to observe that Andrew here is writ without an _s_, and is, besides, a
+Christian name. My friend, moreover, conjectures this to have been the
+founder of that sect of laughing philosophers since called
+Merry-andrews.
+
+To waive, therefore, a circumstance which, though mentioned in
+conformity to the exact rules of biography, is not greatly material, I
+proceed to things of more consequence. Indeed, it is sufficiently
+certain that he had as many ancestors as the best man living, and,
+perhaps, if we look five or six hundred years backwards, might be
+related to some persons of very great figure at present, whose ancestors
+within half the last century are buried in as great obscurity. But
+suppose, for argument's sake, we should admit that he had no ancestors
+at all, but had sprung up, according to the modern phrase, out of a
+dunghill, as the Athenians pretended they themselves did from the earth,
+would not this autokopros[A] have been justly entitled to all the
+praise arising from his own virtues? Would it not be hard that a man who
+hath no ancestors should therefore be rendered incapable of acquiring
+honour; when we see so many who have no virtues enjoying the honour of
+their forefathers? At ten years old (by which time his education was
+advanced to writing and reading) he was bound an apprentice, according
+to the statute, to Sir Thomas Booby, an uncle of Mr Booby's by the
+father's side. Sir Thomas having then an estate in his own hands, the
+young Andrews was at first employed in what in the country they call
+keeping birds. His office was to perform the part the ancients assigned
+to the god Priapus, which deity the moderns call by the name of Jack o'
+Lent; but his voice being so extremely musical, that it rather allured
+the birds than terrified them, he was soon transplanted from the fields
+into the dog-kennel, where he was placed under the huntsman, and made
+what the sportsmen term whipper-in. For this place likewise the
+sweetness of his voice disqualified him; the dogs preferring the melody
+of his chiding to all the alluring notes of the huntsman, who soon
+became so incensed at it, that he desired Sir Thomas to provide
+otherwise for him, and constantly laid every fault the dogs were at to
+the account of the poor boy, who was now transplanted to the stable.
+Here he soon gave proofs of strength and agility beyond his years, and
+constantly rode the most spirited and vicious horses to water, with an
+intrepidity which surprized every one. While he was in this station, he
+rode several races for Sir Thomas, and this with such expertness and
+success, that the neighbouring gentlemen frequently solicited the knight
+to permit little Joey (for so he was called) to ride their matches. The
+best gamesters, before they laid their money, always inquired which
+horse little Joey was to ride; and the bets were rather proportioned by
+the rider than by the horse himself; especially after he had scornfully
+refused a considerable bribe to play booty on such an occasion. This
+extremely raised his character, and so pleased the Lady Booby, that she
+desired to have him (being now seventeen years of age) for her
+own footboy.
+
+[A] In English, sprung from a dunghill.
+
+Joey was now preferred from the stable to attend on his lady, to go on
+her errands, stand behind her chair, wait at her tea-table, and carry
+her prayer-book to church; at which place his voice gave him an
+opportunity of distinguishing himself by singing psalms: he behaved
+likewise in every other respect so well at Divine service, that it
+recommended him to the notice of Mr Abraham Adams, the curate, who took
+an opportunity one day, as he was drinking a cup of ale in Sir Thomas's
+kitchen, to ask the young man several questions concerning religion;
+with his answers to which he was wonderfully pleased.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+_Of Mr Abraham Adams the curate, Mrs Slipslop the chambermaid, and
+others._
+
+
+Mr Abraham Adams was an excellent scholar. He was a perfect master of
+the Greek and Latin languages; to which he added a great share of
+knowledge in the Oriental tongues; and could read and translate French,
+Italian, and Spanish. He had applied many years to the most severe
+study, and had treasured up a fund of learning rarely to be met with in
+a university. He was, besides, a man of good sense, good parts, and good
+nature; but was at the same time as entirely ignorant of the ways of
+this world as an infant just entered into it could possibly be. As he
+had never any intention to deceive, so he never suspected such a design
+in others. He was generous, friendly, and brave to an excess; but
+simplicity was his characteristick: he did, no more than Mr Colley
+Cibber, apprehend any such passions as malice and envy to exist in
+mankind; which was indeed less remarkable in a country parson than in a
+gentleman who hath passed his life behind the scenes,--a place which
+hath been seldom thought the school of innocence, and where a very
+little observation would have convinced the great apologist that those
+passions have a real existence in the human mind.
+
+His virtue, and his other qualifications, as they rendered him equal to
+his office, so they made him an agreeable and valuable companion, and
+had so much endeared and well recommended him to a bishop, that at the
+age of fifty he was provided with a handsome income of twenty-three
+pounds a year; which, however, he could not make any great figure with,
+because he lived in a dear country, and was a little encumbered with a
+wife and six children.
+
+It was this gentleman, who having, as I have said, observed the singular
+devotion of young Andrews, had found means to question him concerning
+several particulars; as, how many books there were in the New Testament?
+which were they? how many chapters they contained? and such like: to all
+which, Mr Adams privately said, he answered much better than Sir Thomas,
+or two other neighbouring justices of the peace could probably
+have done.
+
+Mr Adams was wonderfully solicitous to know at what time, and by what
+opportunity, the youth became acquainted with these matters: Joey told
+him that he had very early learnt to read and write by the goodness of
+his father, who, though he had not interest enough to get him into a
+charity school, because a cousin of his father's landlord did not vote
+on the right side for a churchwarden in a borough town, yet had been
+himself at the expense of sixpence a week for his learning. He told him
+likewise, that ever since he was in Sir Thomas's family he had employed
+all his hours of leisure in reading good books; that he had read the
+Bible, the Whole Duty of Man, and Thomas a Kempis; and that as often as
+he could, without being perceived, he had studied a great good book
+which lay open in the hall window, where he had read, "as how the devil
+carried away half a church in sermon-time, without hurting one of the
+congregation; and as how a field of corn ran away down a hill with all
+the trees upon it, and covered another man's meadow." This sufficiently
+assured Mr Adams that the good book meant could be no other than Baker's
+Chronicle.
+
+The curate, surprized to find such instances of industry and application
+in a young man who had never met with the least encouragement, asked
+him, If he did not extremely regret the want of a liberal education, and
+the not having been born of parents who might have indulged his talents
+and desire of knowledge? To which he answered, "He hoped he had profited
+somewhat better from the books he had read than to lament his condition
+in this world. That, for his part, he was perfectly content with the
+state to which he was called; that he should endeavour to improve his
+talent, which was all required of him; but not repine at his own lot,
+nor envy those of his betters." "Well said, my lad," replied the curate;
+"and I wish some who have read many more good books, nay, and some who
+have written good books themselves, had profited so much by them."
+
+Adams had no nearer access to Sir Thomas or my lady than through the
+waiting-gentlewoman; for Sir Thomas was too apt to estimate men merely
+by their dress or fortune; and my lady was a woman of gaiety, who had
+been blest with a town education, and never spoke of any of her country
+neighbours by any other appellation than that of the brutes. They both
+regarded the curate as a kind of domestic only, belonging to the parson
+of the parish, who was at this time at variance with the knight; for the
+parson had for many years lived in a constant state of civil war, or,
+which is perhaps as bad, of civil law, with Sir Thomas himself and the
+tenants of his manor. The foundation of this quarrel was a modus, by
+setting which aside an advantage of several shillings _per annum_ would
+have accrued to the rector; but he had not yet been able to accomplish
+his purpose, and had reaped hitherto nothing better from the suits than
+the pleasure (which he used indeed frequently to say was no small one)
+of reflecting that he had utterly undone many of the poor tenants,
+though he had at the same time greatly impoverished himself.
+
+Mrs Slipslop, the waiting-gentlewoman, being herself the daughter of a
+curate, preserved some respect for Adams: she professed great regard for
+his learning, and would frequently dispute with him on points of
+theology; but always insisted on a deference to be paid to her
+understanding, as she had been frequently at London, and knew more of
+the world than a country parson could pretend to.
+
+She had in these disputes a particular advantage over Adams: for she was
+a mighty affecter of hard words, which she used in such a manner that
+the parson, who durst not offend her by calling her words in question,
+was frequently at some loss to guess her meaning, and would have been
+much less puzzled by an Arabian manuscript.
+
+Adams therefore took an opportunity one day, after a pretty long
+discourse with her on the essence (or, as she pleased to term it, the
+incence) of matter, to mention the case of young Andrews; desiring her
+to recommend him to her lady as a youth very susceptible of learning,
+and one whose instruction in Latin he would himself undertake; by which
+means he might be qualified for a higher station than that of a footman;
+and added, she knew it was in his master's power easily to provide for
+him in a better manner. He therefore desired that the boy might be left
+behind under his care.
+
+"La! Mr Adams," said Mrs Slipslop, "do you think my lady will suffer any
+preambles about any such matter? She is going to London very concisely,
+and I am confidous would not leave Joey behind her on any account; for
+he is one of the genteelest young fellows you may see in a summer's day;
+and I am confidous she would as soon think of parting with a pair of her
+grey mares, for she values herself as much on one as the other." Adams
+would have interrupted, but she proceeded: "And why is Latin more
+necessitous for a footman than a gentleman? It is very proper that you
+clergymen must learn it, because you can't preach without it: but I have
+heard gentlemen say in London, that it is fit for nobody else. I am
+confidous my lady would be angry with me for mentioning it; and I shall
+draw myself into no such delemy." At which words her lady's bell rung,
+and Mr Adams was forced to retire; nor could he gain a second
+opportunity with her before their London journey, which happened a few
+days afterwards. However, Andrews behaved very thankfully and gratefully
+to him for his intended kindness, which he told him he never would
+forget, and at the same time received from the good man many admonitions
+concerning the regulation of his future conduct, and his perseverance in
+innocence and industry.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+_What happened after their journey to London._
+
+
+No sooner was young Andrews arrived at London than he began to scrape an
+acquaintance with his party-coloured brethren, who endeavoured to make
+him despise his former course of life. His hair was cut after the newest
+fashion, and became his chief care; he went abroad with it all the
+morning in papers, and drest it out in the afternoon. They could not,
+however, teach him to game, swear, drink, nor any other genteel vice the
+town abounded with. He applied most of his leisure hours to music, in
+which he greatly improved himself; and became so perfect a connoisseur
+in that art, that he led the opinion of all the other footmen at an
+opera, and they never condemned or applauded a single song contrary to
+his approbation or dislike. He was a little too forward in riots at the
+play-houses and assemblies; and when he attended his lady at church
+(which was but seldom) he behaved with less seeming devotion than
+formerly: however, if he was outwardly a pretty fellow, his morals
+remained entirely uncorrupted, though he was at the same time smarter
+and genteeler than any of the beaus in town, either in or out of livery.
+
+His lady, who had often said of him that Joey was the handsomest and
+genteelest footman in the kingdom, but that it was pity he wanted
+spirit, began now to find that fault no longer; on the contrary, she was
+frequently heard to cry out, "Ay, there is some life in this fellow."
+She plainly saw the effects which the town air hath on the soberest
+constitutions. She would now walk out with him into Hyde Park in a
+morning, and when tired, which happened almost every minute, would lean
+on his arm, and converse with him in great familiarity. Whenever she
+stept out of her coach, she would take him by the hand, and sometimes,
+for fear of stumbling, press it very hard; she admitted him to deliver
+messages at her bedside in a morning, leered at him at table, and
+indulged him in all those innocent freedoms which women of figure may
+permit without the least sully of their virtue.
+
+But though their virtue remains unsullied, yet now and then some small
+arrows will glance on the shadow of it, their reputation; and so it fell
+out to Lady Booby, who happened to be walking arm-in-arm with Joey one
+morning in Hyde Park, when Lady Tittle and Lady Tattle came accidentally
+by in their coach. "Bless me," says Lady Tittle, "can I believe my eyes?
+Is that Lady Booby?"--"Surely," says Tattle. "But what makes you
+surprized?"--"Why, is not that her footman?" replied Tittle. At which
+Tattle laughed, and cried, "An old business, I assure you: is it
+possible you should not have heard it? The whole town hath known it this
+half-year." The consequence of this interview was a whisper through a
+hundred visits, which were separately performed by the two ladies[A] the
+same afternoon, and might have had a mischievous effect, had it not been
+stopt by two fresh reputations which were published the day afterwards,
+and engrossed the whole talk of the town.
+
+[A] It may seem an absurdity that Tattle should visit, as she actually
+    did, to spread a known scandal: but the reader may reconcile this by
+    supposing, with me, that, notwithstanding what she says, this was
+    her first acquaintance with it.
+
+But, whatever opinion or suspicion the scandalous inclination of
+defamers might entertain of Lady Booby's innocent freedoms, it is
+certain they made no impression on young Andrews, who never offered to
+encroach beyond the liberties which his lady allowed him,--a behaviour
+which she imputed to the violent respect he preserved for her, and which
+served only to heighten a something she began to conceive, and which
+the next chapter will open a little farther.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+_The death of Sir Thomas Booby, with the affectionate and mournful
+behaviour of his widow, and the great purity of Joseph Andrews._
+
+
+At this time an accident happened which put a stop to those agreeable
+walks, which probably would have soon puffed up the cheeks of Fame, and
+caused her to blow her brazen trumpet through the town; and this was no
+other than the death of Sir Thomas Booby, who, departing this life, left
+his disconsolate lady confined to her house, as closely as if she
+herself had been attacked by some violent disease. During the first six
+days the poor lady admitted none but Mrs. Slipslop, and three female
+friends, who made a party at cards: but on the seventh she ordered Joey,
+whom, for a good reason, we shall hereafter call JOSEPH, to bring up her
+tea-kettle. The lady being in bed, called Joseph to her, bade him sit
+down, and, having accidentally laid her hand on his, she asked him if he
+had ever been in love. Joseph answered, with some confusion, it was time
+enough for one so young as himself to think on such things. "As young as
+you are," replied the lady, "I am convinced you are no stranger to that
+passion. Come, Joey," says she, "tell me truly, who is the happy girl
+whose eyes have made a conquest of you?" Joseph returned, that all the
+women he had ever seen were equally indifferent to him. "Oh then," said
+the lady, "you are a general lover. Indeed, you handsome fellows, like
+handsome women, are very long and difficult in fixing; but yet you
+shall never persuade me that your heart is so insusceptible of
+affection; I rather impute what you say to your secrecy, a very
+commendable quality, and what I am far from being angry with you for.
+Nothing can be more unworthy in a young man, than to betray any
+intimacies with the ladies." "Ladies! madam," said Joseph, "I am sure I
+never had the impudence to think of any that deserve that name." "Don't
+pretend to too much modesty," said she, "for that sometimes may be
+impertinent: but pray answer me this question. Suppose a lady should
+happen to like you; suppose she should prefer you to all your sex, and
+admit you to the same familiarities as you might have hoped for if you
+had been born her equal, are you certain that no vanity could tempt you
+to discover her? Answer me honestly, Joseph; have you so much more sense
+and so much more virtue than you handsome young fellows generally have,
+who make no scruple of sacrificing our dear reputation to your pride,
+without considering the great obligation we lay on you by our
+condescension and confidence? Can you keep a secret, my Joey?" "Madam,"
+says he, "I hope your ladyship can't tax me with ever betraying the
+secrets of the family; and I hope, if you was to turn me away, I might
+have that character of you." "I don't intend to turn you away, Joey,"
+said she, and sighed; "I am afraid it is not in my power." She then
+raised herself a little in her bed, and discovered one of the whitest
+necks that ever was seen; at which Joseph blushed. "La!" says she, in an
+affected surprize, "what am I doing? I have trusted myself with a man
+alone, naked in bed; suppose you should have any wicked intentions upon
+my honour, how should I defend myself?" Joseph protested that he never
+had the least evil design against her. "No," says she, "perhaps you may
+not call your designs wicked; and perhaps they are not so."--He swore
+they were not. "You misunderstand me," says she; "I mean if they were
+against my honour, they may not be wicked; but the world calls them so.
+But then, say you, the world will never know anything of the matter; yet
+would not that be trusting to your secrecy? Must not my reputation be
+then in your power? Would you not then be my master?" Joseph begged her
+ladyship to be comforted; for that he would never imagine the least
+wicked thing against her, and that he had rather die a thousand deaths
+than give her any reason to suspect him. "Yes," said she, "I must have
+reason to suspect you. Are you not a man? and, without vanity, I may
+pretend to some charms. But perhaps you may fear I should prosecute you;
+indeed I hope you do; and yet Heaven knows I should never have the
+confidence to appear before a court of justice; and you know, Joey, I am
+of a forgiving temper. Tell me, Joey, don't you think I should forgive
+you?"--"Indeed, madam," says Joseph, "I will never do anything to
+disoblige your ladyship."--"How," says she, "do you think it would not
+disoblige me then? Do you think I would willingly suffer you?"--"I don't
+understand you, madam," says Joseph.--"Don't you?" said she, "then you
+are either a fool, or pretend to be so; I find I was mistaken in you. So
+get you downstairs, and never let me see your face again; your pretended
+innocence cannot impose on me."--"Madam," said Joseph, "I would not have
+your ladyship think any evil of me. I have always endeavoured to be a
+dutiful servant both to you and my master."--"O thou villain!" answered
+my lady; "why didst thou mention the name of that dear man, unless to
+torment me, to bring his precious memory to my mind?" (and then she
+burst into a fit of tears.) "Get thee from my sight! I shall never
+endure thee more." At which words she turned away from him; and Joseph
+retreated from the room in a most disconsolate condition, and writ that
+letter which the reader will find in the next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+_How Joseph Andrews writ a letter to his sister Pamela._
+
+
+"To MRS PAMELA ANDREWS, LIVING WITH SQUIRE BOOBY.
+
+"DEAR SISTER,--Since I received your letter of your good lady's death,
+we have had a misfortune of the same kind in our family. My worthy
+master Sir Thomas died about four days ago; and, what is worse, my poor
+lady is certainly gone distracted. None of the servants expected her to
+take it so to heart, because they quarrelled almost every day of their
+lives: but no more of that, because you know, Pamela, I never loved to
+tell the secrets of my master's family; but to be sure you must have
+known they never loved one another; and I have heard her ladyship wish
+his honour dead above a thousand times; but nobody knows what it is to
+lose a friend till they have lost him.
+
+"Don't tell anybody what I write, because I should not care to have
+folks say I discover what passes in our family; but if it had not been
+so great a lady, I should have thought she had had a mind to me. Dear
+Pamela, don't tell anybody; but she ordered me to sit down by her
+bedside, when she was in naked bed; and she held my hand, and talked
+exactly as a lady does to her sweetheart in a stage-play, which I have
+seen in Covent Garden, while she wanted him to be no better than he
+should be.
+
+"If madam be mad, I shall not care for staying long in the family; so I
+heartily wish you could get me a place, either at the squire's, or some
+other neighbouring gentleman's, unless it be true that you are going to
+be married to parson Williams, as folks talk, and then I should be very
+willing to be his clerk; for which you know I am qualified, being able
+to read and to set a psalm.
+
+"I fancy I shall be discharged very soon; and the moment I am, unless I
+hear from you, I shall return to my old master's country-seat, if it be
+only to see parson Adams, who is the best man in the world. London is a
+bad place, and there is so little good fellowship, that the next-door
+neighbours don't know one another. Pray give my service to all friends
+that inquire for me. So I rest
+
+"Your loving brother,
+
+"JOSEPH ANDREWS."
+
+As soon as Joseph had sealed and directed this letter he walked
+downstairs, where he met Mrs. Slipslop, with whom we shall take this
+opportunity to bring the reader a little better acquainted. She was a
+maiden gentlewoman of about forty-five years of age, who, having made a
+small slip in her youth, had continued a good maid ever since. She was
+not at this time remarkably handsome; being very short, and rather too
+corpulent in body, and somewhat red, with the addition of pimples in the
+face. Her nose was likewise rather too large, and her eyes too little;
+nor did she resemble a cow so much in her breath as in two brown globes
+which she carried before her; one of her legs was also a little shorter
+than the other, which occasioned her to limp as she walked. This fair
+creature had long cast the eyes of affection on Joseph, in which she had
+not met with quite so good success as she probably wished, though,
+besides the allurements of her native charms, she had given him tea,
+sweetmeats, wine, and many other delicacies, of which, by keeping the
+keys, she had the absolute command. Joseph, however, had not returned
+the least gratitude to all these favours, not even so much as a kiss;
+though I would not insinuate she was so easily to be satisfied; for
+surely then he would have been highly blameable. The truth is, she was
+arrived at an age when she thought she might indulge herself in any
+liberties with a man, without the danger of bringing a third person into
+the world to betray them. She imagined that by so long a self-denial she
+had not only made amends for the small slip of her youth above hinted
+at, but had likewise laid up a quantity of merit to excuse any future
+failings. In a word, she resolved to give a loose to her amorous
+inclinations, and to pay off the debt of pleasure which she found she
+owed herself, as fast as possible.
+
+With these charms of person, and in this disposition of mind, she
+encountered poor Joseph at the bottom of the stairs, and asked him if he
+would drink a glass of something good this morning. Joseph, whose
+spirits were not a little cast down, very readily and thankfully
+accepted the offer; and together they went into a closet, where, having
+delivered him a full glass of ratafia, and desired him to sit down, Mrs.
+Slipslop thus began:--
+
+"Sure nothing can be a more simple contract in a woman than to place her
+affections on a boy. If I had ever thought it would have been my fate, I
+should have wished to die a thousand deaths rather than live to see that
+day. If we like a man, the lightest hint sophisticates. Whereas a boy
+proposes upon us to break through all the regulations of modesty, before
+we can make any oppression upon him." Joseph, who did not understand a
+word she said, answered, "Yes, madam."--"Yes, madam!" replied Mrs.
+Slipslop with some warmth, "Do you intend to result my passion? Is it
+not enough, ungrateful as you are, to make no return to all the favours
+I have done you; but you must treat me with ironing? Barbarous monster!
+how have I deserved that my passion should be resulted and treated with
+ironing?" "Madam," answered Joseph, "I don't understand your hard words;
+but I am certain you have no occasion to call me ungrateful, for, so far
+from intending you any wrong, I have always loved you as well as if you
+had been my own mother." "How, sirrah!" says Mrs. Slipslop in a rage;
+"your own mother? Do you assinuate that I am old enough to be your
+mother? I don't know what a stripling may think, but I believe a man
+would refer me to any green-sickness silly girl whatsomdever: but I
+ought to despise you rather than be angry with you, for referring the
+conversation of girls to that of a woman of sense."--"Madam," says
+Joseph, "I am sure I have always valued the honour you did me by your
+conversation, for I know you are a woman of learning."--"Yes, but,
+Joseph," said she, a little softened by the compliment to her learning,
+"if you had a value for me, you certainly would have found some method
+of showing it me; for I am convicted you must see the value I have for
+you. Yes, Joseph, my eyes, whether I would or no, must have declared a
+passion I cannot conquer.--Oh! Joseph!"
+
+As when a hungry tigress, who long has traversed the woods in fruitless
+search, sees within the reach of her claws a lamb, she prepares to leap
+on her prey; or as a voracious pike, of immense size, surveys through
+the liquid element a roach or gudgeon, which cannot escape her jaws,
+opens them wide to swallow the little fish; so did Mrs. Slipslop prepare
+to lay her violent amorous hands on the poor Joseph, when luckily her
+mistress's bell rung, and delivered the intended martyr from her
+clutches. She was obliged to leave him abruptly, and to defer the
+execution of her purpose till some other time. We shall therefore return
+to the Lady Booby, and give our reader some account of her behaviour,
+after she was left by Joseph in a temper of mind not greatly different
+from that of the inflamed Slipslop.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+_Sayings of wise men. A dialogue between the lady and her maid; and a
+panegyric, or rather satire, on the passion of love, in the
+sublime style._
+
+
+It is the observation of some antient sage, whose name I have forgot,
+that passions operate differently on the human mind, as diseases on the
+body, in proportion to the strength or weakness, soundness or
+rottenness, of the one and the other.
+
+We hope, therefore, a judicious reader will give himself some pains to
+observe, what we have so greatly laboured to describe, the different
+operations of this passion of love in the gentle and cultivated mind of
+the Lady Booby, from those which it effected in the less polished and
+coarser disposition of Mrs Slipslop.
+
+Another philosopher, whose name also at present escapes my memory, hath
+somewhere said, that resolutions taken in the absence of the beloved
+object are very apt to vanish in its presence; on both which wise
+sayings the following chapter may serve as a comment.
+
+No sooner had Joseph left the room in the manner we have before related
+than the lady, enraged at her disappointment, began to reflect with
+severity on her conduct. Her love was now changed to disdain, which
+pride assisted to torment her. She despised herself for the meanness of
+her passion, and Joseph for its ill success. However, she had now got
+the better of it in her own opinion, and determined immediately to
+dismiss the object. After much tossing and turning in her bed, and many
+soliloquies, which if we had no better matter for our reader we would
+give him, she at last rung the bell as above mentioned, and was
+presently attended by Mrs Slipslop, who was not much better pleased with
+Joseph than the lady herself.
+
+"Slipslop," said Lady Booby, "when did you see Joseph?" The poor woman
+was so surprized at the unexpected sound of his name at so critical a
+time, that she had the greatest difficulty to conceal the confusion she
+was under from her mistress; whom she answered, nevertheless, with
+pretty good confidence, though not entirely void of fear of suspicion,
+that she had not seen him that morning. "I am afraid," said Lady Booby,
+"he is a wild young fellow."--"That he is," said Slipslop, "and a
+wicked one too. To my knowledge he games, drinks, swears, and fights
+eternally; besides, he is horribly indicted to wenching."--"Ay!" said
+the lady, "I never heard that of him."--"O madam!" answered the other,
+"he is so lewd a rascal, that if your ladyship keeps him much longer,
+you will not have one virgin in your house except myself. And yet I
+can't conceive what the wenches see in him, to be so foolishly fond as
+they are; in my eyes, he is as ugly a scarecrow as I ever
+upheld."--"Nay," said the lady, "the boy is well enough."--"La! ma'am,"
+cries Slipslop, "I think him the ragmaticallest fellow in the
+family."--"Sure, Slipslop," says she, "you are mistaken: but which of
+the women do you most suspect?"--"Madam," says Slipslop, "there is Betty
+the chambermaid, I am almost convicted, is with child by him."--"Ay!"
+says the lady, "then pray pay her her wages instantly. I will keep no
+such sluts in my family. And as for Joseph, you may discard him
+too."--"Would your ladyship have him paid off immediately?" cries
+Slipslop, "for perhaps, when Betty is gone he may mend: and really the
+boy is a good servant, and a strong healthy luscious boy enough."--
+"This morning," answered the lady with some vehemence. "I wish, madam,"
+cries Slipslop, "your ladyship would be so good as to try him a little
+longer."--"I will not have my commands disputed," said the lady; "sure
+you are not fond of him yourself?"--"I, madam!" cries Slipslop,
+reddening, if not blushing, "I should be sorry to think your ladyship
+had any reason to respect me of fondness for a fellow; and if it be your
+pleasure, I shall fulfil it with as much reluctance as possible."--"As
+little, I suppose you mean," said the lady; "and so about it instantly."
+Mrs. Slipslop went out, and the lady had scarce taken two turns before
+she fell to knocking and ringing with great violence. Slipslop, who did
+not travel post haste, soon returned, and was countermanded as to
+Joseph, but ordered to send Betty about her business without delay. She
+went out a second time with much greater alacrity than before; when the
+lady began immediately to accuse herself of want of resolution, and to
+apprehend the return of her affection, with its pernicious consequences;
+she therefore applied herself again to the bell, and re-summoned Mrs.
+Slipslop into her presence; who again returned, and was told by her
+mistress that she had considered better of the matter, and was
+absolutely resolved to turn away Joseph; which she ordered her to do
+immediately. Slipslop, who knew the violence of her lady's temper, and
+would not venture her place for any Adonis or Hercules in the universe,
+left her a third time; which she had no sooner done, than the little god
+Cupid, fearing he had not yet done the lady's business, took a fresh
+arrow with the sharpest point out of his quiver, and shot it directly
+into her heart; in other and plainer language, the lady's passion got
+the better of her reason. She called back Slipslop once more, and told
+her she had resolved to see the boy, and examine him herself; therefore
+bid her send him up. This wavering in her mistress's temper probably put
+something into the waiting-gentlewoman's head not necessary to mention
+to the sagacious reader.
+
+Lady Booby was going to call her back again, but could not prevail with
+herself. The next consideration therefore was, how she should behave to
+Joseph when he came in. She resolved to preserve all the dignity of the
+woman of fashion to her servant, and to indulge herself in this last
+view of Joseph (for that she was most certainly resolved it should be)
+at his own expense, by first insulting and then discarding him.
+
+O Love, what monstrous tricks dost thou play with thy votaries of both
+sexes! How dost thou deceive them, and make them deceive themselves!
+Their follies are thy delight! Their sighs make thee laugh, and their
+pangs are thy merriment!
+
+Not the great Rich, who turns men into monkeys, wheel-barrows, and
+whatever else best humours his fancy, hath so strangely metamorphosed
+the human shape; nor the great Cibber, who confounds all number, gender,
+and breaks through every rule of grammar at his will, hath so distorted
+the English language as thou dost metamorphose and distort the
+human senses.
+
+Thou puttest out our eyes, stoppest up our ears, and takest away the
+power of our nostrils; so that we can neither see the largest object,
+hear the loudest noise, nor smell the most poignant perfume. Again, when
+thou pleasest, thou canst make a molehill appear as a mountain, a
+Jew's-harp sound like a trumpet, and a daisy smell like a violet. Thou
+canst make cowardice brave, avarice generous, pride humble, and cruelty
+tender-hearted. In short, thou turnest the heart of man inside out, as a
+juggler doth a petticoat, and bringest whatsoever pleaseth thee out
+from it. If there be any one who doubts all this, let him read the
+next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+_In which, after some very fine writing, the history goes on, and
+relates the interview between the lady and Joseph; where the latter hath
+set an example which we despair of seeing followed by his sex in this
+vicious age._
+
+
+Now the rake Hesperus had called for his breeches, and, having well
+rubbed his drowsy eyes, prepared to dress himself for all night; by
+whose example his brother rakes on earth likewise leave those beds in
+which they had slept away the day. Now Thetis, the good housewife, began
+to put on the pot, in order to regale the good man Phoebus after his
+daily labours were over. In vulgar language, it was in the evening when
+Joseph attended his lady's orders.
+
+But as it becomes us to preserve the character of this lady, who is the
+heroine of our tale; and as we have naturally a wonderful tenderness for
+that beautiful part of the human species called the fair sex; before we
+discover too much of her frailty to our reader, it will be proper to
+give him a lively idea of the vast temptation, which overcame all the
+efforts of a modest and virtuous mind; and then we humbly hope his good
+nature will rather pity than condemn the imperfection of human virtue.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Nay, the ladies themselves will, we hope, be induced, by considering the
+uncommon variety of charms which united in this young man's person, to
+bridle their rampant passion for chastity, and be at least as mild as
+their violent modesty and virtue will permit them, in censuring the
+conduct of a woman who, perhaps, was in her own disposition as chaste
+as those pure and sanctified virgins who, after a life innocently spent
+in the gaieties of the town, begin about fifty to attend twice _per
+diem_ at the polite churches and chapels, to return thanks for the grace
+which preserved them formerly amongst beaus from temptations perhaps
+less powerful than what now attacked the Lady Booby.
+
+Mr Joseph Andrews was now in the one-and-twentieth year of his age. He
+was of the highest degree of middle stature; his limbs were put together
+with great elegance, and no less strength; his legs and thighs were
+formed in the exactest proportion; his shoulders were broad and brawny,
+but yet his arm hung so easily, that he had all the symptoms of strength
+without the least clumsiness. His hair was of a nut-brown colour, and
+was displayed in wanton ringlets down his back; his forehead was high,
+his eyes dark, and as full of sweetness as of fire; his nose a little
+inclined to the Roman; his teeth white and even; his lips full, red, and
+soft; his beard was only rough on his chin and upper lip; but his
+cheeks, in which his blood glowed, were overspread with a thick down;
+his countenance had a tenderness joined with a sensibility
+inexpressible. Add to this the most perfect neatness in his dress, and
+an air which, to those who have not seen many noblemen, would give an
+idea of nobility.
+
+Such was the person who now appeared before the lady. She viewed him
+some time in silence, and twice or thrice before she spake changed her
+mind as to the manner in which she should begin. At length she said to
+him, "Joseph, I am sorry to hear such complaints against you: I am told
+you behave so rudely to the maids, that they cannot do their business in
+quiet; I mean those who are not wicked enough to hearken to your
+solicitations. As to others, they may, perhaps, not call you rude; for
+there are wicked sluts who make one ashamed of one's own sex, and are as
+ready to admit any nauseous familiarity as fellows to offer it: nay,
+there are such in my family, but they shall not stay in it; that
+impudent trollop who is with child by you is discharged by this time."
+
+As a person who is struck through the heart with a thunderbolt looks
+extremely surprised, nay, and perhaps is so too--thus the poor Joseph
+received the false accusation of his mistress; he blushed and looked
+confounded, which she misinterpreted to be symptoms of his guilt, and
+thus went on:--
+
+"Come hither, Joseph: another mistress might discard you for these
+offences; but I have a compassion for your youth, and if I could be
+certain you would be no more guilty--Consider, child," laying her hand
+carelessly upon his, "you are a handsome young fellow, and might do
+better; you might make your fortune." "Madam," said Joseph, "I do assure
+your ladyship I don't know whether any maid in the house is man or
+woman." "Oh fie! Joseph," answered the lady, "don't commit another crime
+in denying the truth. I could pardon the first; but I hate a lyar."
+"Madam," cries Joseph, "I hope your ladyship will not be offended at my
+asserting my innocence; for, by all that is sacred, I have never offered
+more than kissing." "Kissing!" said the lady, with great discomposure of
+countenance, and more redness in her cheeks than anger in her eyes; "do
+you call that no crime? Kissing, Joseph, is as a prologue to a play. Can
+I believe a young fellow of your age and complexion will be content with
+kissing? No, Joseph, there is no woman who grants that but will grant
+more; and I am deceived greatly in you if you would not put her closely
+to it. What would you think, Joseph, if I admitted you to kiss me?"
+Joseph replied he would sooner die than have any such thought. "And
+yet, Joseph," returned she, "ladies have admitted their footmen to such
+familiarities; and footmen, I confess to you, much less deserving them;
+fellows without half your charms--for such might almost excuse the
+crime. Tell me therefore, Joseph, if I should admit you to such freedom,
+what would you think of me?--tell me freely." "Madam," said Joseph, "I
+should think your ladyship condescended a great deal below yourself."
+"Pugh!" said she; "that I am to answer to myself: but would not you
+insist on more? Would you be contented with a kiss? Would not your
+inclinations be all on fire rather by such a favour?" "Madam," said
+Joseph, "if they were, I hope I should be able to controul them, without
+suffering them to get the better of my virtue." You have heard, reader,
+poets talk of the statue of Surprize; you have heard likewise, or else
+you have heard very little, how Surprize made one of the sons of Croesus
+speak, though he was dumb. You have seen the faces, in the
+eighteen-penny gallery, when, through the trap-door, to soft or no
+music, Mr. Bridgewater, Mr. William Mills, or some other of ghostly
+appearance, hath ascended, with a face all pale with powder, and a shirt
+all bloody with ribbons;--but from none of these, nor from Phidias or
+Praxiteles, if they should return to life--no, not from the inimitable
+pencil of my friend Hogarth, could you receive such an idea of surprize
+as would have entered in at your eyes had they beheld the Lady Booby
+when those last words issued out from the lips of Joseph. "Your virtue!"
+said the lady, recovering after a silence of two minutes; "I shall never
+survive it. Your virtue!--intolerable confidence! Have you the assurance
+to pretend, that when a lady demeans herself to throw aside the rules of
+decency, in order to honour you with the highest favour in her power,
+your virtue should resist her inclination? that, when she had conquered
+her own virtue, she should find an obstruction in yours?" "Madam," said
+Joseph, "I can't see why her having no virtue should be a reason against
+my having any; or why, because I am a man, or because I am poor, my
+virtue must be subservient to her pleasures." "I am out of patience,"
+cries the lady: "did ever mortal hear of a man's virtue? Did ever the
+greatest or the gravest men pretend to any of this kind? Will
+magistrates who punish lewdness, or parsons who preach against it, make
+any scruple of committing it? And can a boy, a stripling, have the
+confidence to talk of his virtue?" "Madam," says Joseph, "that boy is
+the brother of Pamela, and would be ashamed that the chastity of his
+family, which is preserved in her, should be stained in him. If there
+are such men as your ladyship mentions, I am sorry for it; and I wish
+they had an opportunity of reading over those letters which my father
+hath sent me of my sister Pamela's; nor do I doubt but such an example
+would amend them." "You impudent villain!" cries the lady in a rage; "do
+you insult me with the follies of my relation, who hath exposed himself
+all over the country upon your sister's account? a little vixen, whom I
+have always wondered my late Lady Booby ever kept in her house. Sirrah!
+get out of my sight, and prepare to set out this night; for I will order
+you your wages immediately, and you shall be stripped and turned away."
+"Madam," says Joseph, "I am sorry I have offended your ladyship, I am
+sure I never intended it." "Yes, sirrah," cries she, "you have had the
+vanity to misconstrue the little innocent freedom I took, in order to
+try whether what I had heard was true. O' my conscience, you have had
+the assurance to imagine I was fond of you myself." Joseph answered, he
+had only spoke out of tenderness for his virtue; at which words she
+flew into a violent passion, and refusing to hear more, ordered him
+instantly to leave the room.
+
+He was no sooner gone than she burst forth into the following
+exclamation:--"Whither doth this violent passion hurry us? What
+meannesses do we submit to from its impulse! Wisely we resist its first
+and least approaches; for it is then only we can assure ourselves the
+victory. No woman could ever safely say, so far only will I go. Have I
+not exposed myself to the refusal of my footman? I cannot bear the
+reflection." Upon which she applied herself to the bell, and rung it
+with infinite more violence than was necessary--the faithful Slipslop
+attending near at hand: to say the truth, she had conceived a suspicion
+at her last interview with her mistress, and had waited ever since in
+the antechamber, having carefully applied her ears to the keyhole during
+the whole time that the preceding conversation passed between Joseph
+and the lady.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+_What passed between the lady and Mrs Slipslop; in which we prophesy
+there are some strokes which every one will not truly comprehend at the
+first reading._
+
+
+"Slipslop," said the lady, "I find too much reason to believe all thou
+hast told me of this wicked Joseph; I have determined to part with him
+instantly; so go you to the steward, and bid him pay his wages."
+Slipslop, who had preserved hitherto a distance to her lady--rather out
+of necessity than inclination--and who thought the knowledge of this
+secret had thrown down all distinction between them, answered her
+mistress very pertly--"She wished she knew her own mind; and that she
+was certain she would call her back again before she was got half-way
+downstairs." The lady replied, she had taken a resolution, and was
+resolved to keep it. "I am sorry for it," cries Slipslop, "and, if I had
+known you would have punished the poor lad so severely, you should never
+have heard a particle of the matter. Here's a fuss indeed about
+nothing!" "Nothing!" returned my lady; "do you think I will countenance
+lewdness in my house?" "If you will turn away every footman," said
+Slipslop, "that is a lover of the sport, you must soon open the coach
+door yourself, or get a set of mophrodites to wait upon you; and I am
+sure I hated the sight of them even singing in an opera." "Do as I bid
+you," says my lady, "and don't shock my ears with your beastly
+language." "Marry-come-up," cries Slipslop, "people's ears are sometimes
+the nicest part about them."
+
+The lady, who began to admire the new style in which her
+waiting-gentlewoman delivered herself, and by the conclusion of her
+speech suspected somewhat of the truth, called her back, and desired to
+know what she meant by the extraordinary degree of freedom in which she
+thought proper to indulge her tongue. "Freedom!" says Slipslop; "I don't
+know what you call freedom, madam; servants have tongues as well as
+their mistresses." "Yes, and saucy ones too," answered the lady; "but I
+assure you I shall bear no such impertinence." "Impertinence! I don't
+know that I am impertinent," says Slipslop. "Yes, indeed you are," cries
+my lady, "and, unless you mend your manners, this house is no place for
+you." "Manners!" cries Slipslop; "I never was thought to want manners
+nor modesty neither; and for places, there are more places than one; and
+I know what I know." "What do you know, mistress?" answered the lady. "I
+am not obliged to tell that to everybody," says Slipslop, "any more than
+I am obliged to keep it a secret." "I desire you would provide
+yourself," answered the lady. "With all my heart," replied the
+waiting-gentlewoman; and so departed in a passion, and slapped the door
+after her.
+
+The lady too plainly perceived that her waiting-gentlewoman knew more
+than she would willingly have had her acquainted with; and this she
+imputed to Joseph's having discovered to her what passed at the first
+interview. This, therefore, blew up her rage against him, and confirmed
+her in a resolution of parting with him.
+
+But the dismissing Mrs Slipslop was a point not so easily to be resolved
+upon. She had the utmost tenderness for her reputation, as she knew on
+that depended many of the most valuable blessings of life; particularly
+cards, making curtsies in public places, and, above all, the pleasure of
+demolishing the reputations of others, in which innocent amusement she
+had an extraordinary delight. She therefore determined to submit to any
+insult from a servant, rather than run a risque of losing the title to
+so many great privileges.
+
+She therefore sent for her steward, Mr Peter Pounce, and ordered him to
+pay Joseph his wages, to strip off his livery, and to turn him out of
+the house that evening.
+
+She then called Slipslop up, and, after refreshing her spirits with a
+small cordial, which she kept in her corset, she began in the
+following manner:--
+
+"Slipslop, why will you, who know my passionate temper, attempt to
+provoke me by your answers? I am convinced you are an honest servant,
+and should be very unwilling to part with you. I believe, likewise, you
+have found me an indulgent mistress on many occasions, and have as
+little reason on your side to desire a change. I can't help being
+surprized, therefore, that you will take the surest method to offend
+me--I mean, repeating my words, which you know I have always detested."
+
+The prudent waiting-gentlewoman had duly weighed the whole matter, and
+found, on mature deliberation, that a good place in possession was
+better than one in expectation. As she found her mistress, therefore,
+inclined to relent, she thought proper also to put on some small
+condescension, which was as readily accepted; and so the affair was
+reconciled, all offences forgiven, and a present of a gown and petticoat
+made her, as an instance of her lady's future favour.
+
+She offered once or twice to speak in favour of Joseph; but found her
+lady's heart so obdurate, that she prudently dropt all such efforts. She
+considered there were more footmen in the house, and some as stout
+fellows, though not quite so handsome, as Joseph; besides, the reader
+hath already seen her tender advances had not met with the encouragement
+she might have reasonable expected. She thought she had thrown away a
+great deal of sack and sweetmeats on an ungrateful rascal; and, being a
+little inclined to the opinion of that female sect, who hold one lusty
+young fellow to be nearly as good as another lusty young fellow, she at
+last gave up Joseph and his cause, and, with a triumph over her passion
+highly commendable, walked off with her present, and with great
+tranquillity paid a visit to a stone-bottle, which is of sovereign use
+to a philosophical temper.
+
+She left not her mistress so easy. The poor lady could not reflect
+without agony that her dear reputation was in the power of her servants.
+all her comfort as to Joseph was, that she hoped he did not understand
+her meaning; at least she could say for herself, she had not plainly
+expressed anything to him; and as to Mrs Slipslop, she imagines she
+could bribe her to secrecy.
+
+But what hurt her most was, that in reality she had not so entirely
+conquered her passion; the little god lay lurking in her heart, though
+anger and distain so hood-winked her, that she could not see him. She
+was a thousand times on the very brink of revoking the sentence she had
+passed against the poor youth. Love became his advocate, and whispered
+many things in his favour. Honour likewise endeavoured to vindicate his
+crime, and Pity to mitigate his punishment. On the other side, Pride and
+Revenge spoke as loudly against him. And thus the poor lady was tortured
+with perplexity, opposite passions distracting and tearing her mind
+different ways.
+
+So have I seen, in the hall of Westminster, where Serjeant Bramble hath
+been retained on the right side, and Serjeant Puzzle on the left, the
+balance of opinion (so equal were their fees) alternately incline to
+either scale. Now Bramble throws in an argument, and Puzzle's scale
+strikes the beam; again Bramble shares the like fate, overpowered by the
+weight of Puzzle. Here Bramble hits, there Puzzle strikes; here one has
+you, there t'other has you; till at last all becomes one scene of
+confusion in the tortured minds of the hearers; equal wagers are laid on
+the success, and neither judge nor jury can possibly make anything of
+the matter; all things are so enveloped by the careful serjeants in
+doubt and obscurity.
+
+Or, as it happens in the conscience, where honour and honesty pull one
+way, and a bribe and necessity another.--If it was our present
+business only to make similes, we could produce many more to this
+purpose; but a simile (as well as a word) to the wise.--We shall
+therefore see a little after our hero, for whom the reader is doubtless
+in some pain.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+_Joseph writes another letter: his transactions with Mr Peter Pounce,
+&c., with his departure from Lady Booby._
+
+
+The disconsolate Joseph would not have had an understanding sufficient
+for the principal subject of such a book as this, if he had any longer
+misunderstood the drift of his mistress; and indeed, that he did not
+discern it sooner, the reader will be pleased to impute to an
+unwillingness in him to discover what he must condemn in her as a fault.
+Having therefore quitted her presence, he retired into his own garret,
+and entered himself into an ejaculation on the numberless calamities
+which attended beauty, and the misfortune it was to be handsomer than
+one's neighbours.
+
+He then sat down, and addressed himself to his sister Pamela in the
+following words:--
+
+"Dear Sister Pamela,--Hoping you are well, what news have I to tell you!
+O Pamela! my mistress is fallen in love with me-that is, what great
+folks call falling in love-she has a mind to ruin me; but I hope I shall
+have more resolution and more grace than to part with my virtue to any
+lady upon earth.
+
+"Mr Adams hath often told me, that chastity is as great a virtue in a
+man as in a woman. He says he never knew any more than his wife, and I
+shall endeavour to follow his example. Indeed, it is owing entirely to
+his excellent sermons and advice, together with your letters, that I
+have been able to resist a temptation, which, he says, no man complies
+with, but he repents in this world, or is damned for it in the next; and
+why should I trust to repentance on my deathbed, since I may die in my
+sleep? What fine things are good advice and good examples! But I am
+glad she turned me out of the chamber as she did: for I had once almost
+forgotten every word parson Adams had ever said to me.
+
+"I don't doubt, dear sister, but you will have grace to preserve your
+virtue against all trials; and I beg you earnestly to pray I may be
+enabled to preserve mine; for truly it is very severely attacked by more
+than one; but I hope I shall copy your example, and that of Joseph my
+namesake, and maintain my virtue against all temptations."
+
+Joseph had not finished his letter, when he was summoned downstairs by
+Mr Peter Pounce, to receive his wages; for, besides that out of eight
+pounds a year he allowed his father and mother four, he had been
+obliged, in order to furnish himself with musical instruments, to apply
+to the generosity of the aforesaid Peter, who, on urgent occasions, used
+to advance the servants their wages: not before they were due, but
+before they were payable; that is, perhaps, half a year after they were
+due; and this at the moderate premium of fifty per cent, or a little
+more: by which charitable methods, together with lending money to other
+people, and even to his own master and mistress, the honest man had,
+from nothing, in a few years amassed a small sum of twenty thousand
+pounds or thereabouts.
+
+Joseph having received his little remainder of wages, and having stript
+off his livery, was forced to borrow a frock and breeches of one of the
+servants (for he was so beloved in the family, that they would all have
+lent him anything): and, being told by Peter that he must not stay a
+moment longer in the house than was necessary to pack up his linen,
+which he easily did in a very narrow compass, he took a melancholy leave
+of his fellow-servants, and set out at seven in the evening.
+
+He had proceeded the length of two or three streets, before he
+absolutely determined with himself whether he should leave the town that
+night, or, procuring a lodging, wait till the morning. At last, the moon
+shining very bright helped him to come to a resolution of beginning his
+journey immediately, to which likewise he had some other inducements;
+which the reader, without being a conjurer, cannot possibly guess, till
+we have given him those hints which it may be now proper to open.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+_Of several new matters not expected._
+
+
+It is an observation sometimes made, that to indicate our idea of a
+simple fellow, we say, he is easily to be seen through: nor do I believe
+it a more improper denotation of a simple book. Instead of applying this
+to any particular performance, we chuse rather to remark the contrary in
+this history, where the scene opens itself by small degrees; and he is a
+sagacious reader who can see two chapters before him.
+
+For this reason, we have not hitherto hinted a matter which now seems
+necessary to be explained; since it may be wondered at, first, that
+Joseph made such extraordinary haste out of town, which hath been
+already shewn; and secondly, which will be now shewn, that, instead of
+proceeding to the habitation of his father and mother, or to his beloved
+sister Pamela, he chose rather to set out full speed to the Lady Booby's
+country-seat, which he had left on his journey to London.
+
+Be it known, then, that in the same parish where this seat stood there
+lived a young girl whom Joseph (though the best of sons and brothers)
+longed more impatiently to see than his parents or his sister. She was a
+poor girl, who had formerly been bred up in Sir John's family; whence, a
+little before the journey to London, she had been discarded by Mrs
+Slipslop, on account of her extraordinary beauty: for I never could find
+any other reason.
+
+This young creature (who now lived with a farmer in the parish) had been
+always beloved by Joseph, and returned his affection. She was two years
+only younger than our hero. They had been acquainted from their infancy,
+and had conceived a very early liking for each other; which had grown to
+such a degree of affection, that Mr Adams had with much ado prevented
+them from marrying, and persuaded them to wait till a few years' service
+and thrift had a little improved their experience, and enabled them to
+live comfortably together.
+
+They followed this good man's advice, as indeed his word was little less
+than a law in his parish; for as he had shown his parishioners, by an
+uniform behaviour of thirty-five years' duration, that he had their good
+entirely at heart, so they consulted him on every occasion, and very
+seldom acted contrary to his opinion.
+
+Nothing can be imagined more tender than was the parting between these
+two lovers. A thousand sighs heaved the bosom of Joseph, a thousand
+tears distilled from the lovely eyes of Fanny (for that was her name).
+Though her modesty would only suffer her to admit his eager kisses, her
+violent love made her more than passive in his embraces; and she often
+pulled him to her breast with a soft pressure, which though perhaps it
+would not have squeezed an insect to death, caused more emotion in the
+heart of Joseph than the closest Cornish hug could have done.
+
+The reader may perhaps wonder that so fond a pair should, during a
+twelvemonth's absence, never converse with one another: indeed, there
+was but one reason which did or could have prevented them; and this was,
+that poor Fanny could neither write nor read: nor could she be prevailed
+upon to transmit the delicacies of her tender and chaste passion by the
+hands of an amanuensis.
+
+They contented themselves therefore with frequent inquiries after each
+other's health, with a mutual confidence in each other's fidelity, and
+the prospect of their future happiness.
+
+Having explained these matters to our reader, and, as far as possible,
+satisfied all his doubts, we return to honest Joseph, whom we left just
+set out on his travels by the light of the moon.
+
+Those who have read any romance or poetry, antient or modern, must have
+been informed that love hath wings: by which they are not to understand,
+as some young ladies by mistake have done, that a lover can fly; the
+writers, by this ingenious allegory, intending to insinuate no more than
+that lovers do not march like horse-guards; in short, that they put the
+best leg foremost; which our lusty youth, who could walk with any man,
+did so heartily on this occasion, that within four hours he reached a
+famous house of hospitality well known to the western traveller. It
+presents you a lion on the sign-post: and the master, who was christened
+Timotheus, is commonly called plain Tim. Some have conceived that he
+hath particularly chosen the lion for his sign, as he doth in
+countenance greatly resemble that magnanimous beast, though his
+disposition savours more of the sweetness of the lamb. He is a person
+well received among all sorts of men, being qualified to render himself
+agreeable to any; as he is well versed in history and politics, hath a
+smattering in law and divinity, cracks a good jest, and plays
+wonderfully well on the French horn.
+
+A violent storm of hail forced Joseph to take shelter in this inn, where
+he remembered Sir Thomas had dined in his way to town. Joseph had no
+sooner seated himself by the kitchen fire than Timotheus, observing his
+livery, began to condole the loss of his late master; who was, he said,
+his very particular and intimate acquaintance, with whom he had cracked
+many a merry bottle, ay many a dozen, in his time. He then remarked,
+that all these things were over now, all passed, and just as if they had
+never been; and concluded with an excellent observation on the certainty
+of death, which his wife said was indeed very true. A fellow now arrived
+at the same inn with two horses, one of which he was leading farther
+down into the country to meet his master; these he put into the stable,
+and came and took his place by Joseph's side, who immediately knew him
+to be the servant of a neighbouring gentleman, who used to visit at
+their house.
+
+This fellow was likewise forced in by the storm; for he had orders to go
+twenty miles farther that evening, and luckily on the same road which
+Joseph himself intended to take. He, therefore, embraced this
+opportunity of complimenting his friend with his master's horse
+(notwithstanding he had received express commands to the contrary),
+which was readily accepted; and so, after they had drank a loving pot,
+and the storm was over, they set out together.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+_Containing many surprizing adventures which Joseph Andrews met with on
+the road, scarce credible to those who have never travelled in a
+stage-coach._
+
+
+Nothing remarkable happened on the road till their arrival at the inn to
+which the horses were ordered; whither they came about two in the
+morning. The moon then shone very bright; and Joseph, making his friend
+a present of a pint of wine, and thanking him for the favour of his
+horse, notwithstanding all entreaties to the contrary, proceeded on his
+journey on foot.
+
+He had not gone above two miles, charmed with the hope of shortly seeing
+his beloved Fanny, when he was met by two fellows in a narrow lane, and
+ordered to stand and deliver. He readily gave them all the money he had,
+which was somewhat less than two pounds; and told them he hoped they
+would be so generous as to return him a few shillings, to defray his
+charges on his way home.
+
+One of the ruffians answered with an oath, "Yes, we'll give you
+something presently: but first strip and be d---n'd to you."--"Strip,"
+cried the other, "or I'll blow your brains to the devil." Joseph,
+remembering that he had borrowed his coat and breeches of a friend, and
+that he should be ashamed of making any excuse for not returning them,
+replied, he hoped they would not insist on his clothes, which were not
+worth much, but consider the coldness of the night. "You are cold, are
+you, you rascal?" said one of the robbers: "I'll warm you with a
+vengeance;" and, damning his eyes, snapped a pistol at his head; which
+he had no sooner done than the other levelled a blow at him with his
+stick, which Joseph, who was expert at cudgel-playing, caught with his,
+and returned the favour so successfully on his adversary, that he laid
+him sprawling at his feet, and at the same instant received a blow from
+behind, with the butt end of a pistol, from the other villain, which
+felled him to the ground, and totally deprived him of his senses.
+
+The thief who had been knocked down had now recovered himself; and both
+together fell to belabouring poor Joseph with their sticks, till they
+were convinced they had put an end to his miserable being: they then
+stripped him entirely naked, threw him into a ditch, and departed with
+their booty.
+
+The poor wretch, who lay motionless a long time, just began to recover
+his senses as a stage-coach came by. The postillion, hearing a man's
+groans, stopt his horses, and told the coachman he was certain there was
+a dead man lying in the ditch, for he heard him groan. "Go on, sirrah,"
+says the coachman; "we are confounded late, and have no time to look
+after dead men." A lady, who heard what the postillion said, and
+likewise heard the groan, called eagerly to the coachman to stop and see
+what was the matter. Upon which he bid the postillion alight, and look
+into the ditch. He did so, and returned, "that there was a man sitting
+upright, as naked as ever he was born."--"O J--sus!" cried the lady; "a
+naked man! Dear coachman, drive on and leave him." Upon this the
+gentlemen got out of the coach; and Joseph begged them to have mercy
+upon him: for that he had been robbed and almost beaten to death.
+"Robbed!" cries an old gentleman: "let us make all the haste imaginable,
+or we shall be robbed too." A young man who belonged to the law
+answered, "He wished they had passed by without taking any notice; but
+that now they might be proved to have been last in his company; if he
+should die they might be called to some account for his murder. He
+therefore thought it advisable to save the poor creature's life, for
+their own sakes, if possible; at least, if he died, to prevent the
+jury's finding that they fled for it. He was therefore of opinion to
+take the man into the coach, and carry him to the next inn." The lady
+insisted, "That he should not come into the coach. That if they lifted
+him in, she would herself alight: for she had rather stay in that place
+to all eternity than ride with a naked man." The coachman objected,
+"That he could not suffer him to be taken in unless somebody would pay a
+shilling for his carriage the four miles." Which the two gentlemen
+refused to do. But the lawyer, who was afraid of some mischief happening
+to himself, if the wretch was left behind in that condition, saying no
+man could be too cautious in these matters, and that he remembered very
+extraordinary cases in the books, threatened the coachman, and bid him
+deny taking him up at his peril; for that, if he died, he should be
+indicted for his murder; and if he lived, and brought an action against
+him, he would willingly take a brief in it. These words had a sensible
+effect on the coachman, who was well acquainted with the person who
+spoke them; and the old gentleman above mentioned, thinking the naked
+man would afford him frequent opportunities of showing his wit to the
+lady, offered to join with the company in giving a mug of beer for his
+fare; till, partly alarmed by the threats of the one, and partly by the
+promises of the other, and being perhaps a little moved with compassion
+at the poor creature's condition, who stood bleeding and shivering with
+the cold, he at length agreed; and Joseph was now advancing to the
+coach, where, seeing the lady, who held the sticks of her fan before her
+eyes, he absolutely refused, miserable as he was, to enter, unless he
+was furnished with sufficient covering to prevent giving the least
+offence to decency--so perfectly modest was this young man; such mighty
+effects had the spotless example of the amiable Pamela, and the
+excellent sermons of Mr Adams, wrought upon him.
+
+Though there were several greatcoats about the coach, it was not easy to
+get over this difficulty which Joseph had started. The two gentlemen
+complained they were cold, and could not spare a rag; the man of wit
+saying, with a laugh, that charity began at home; and the coachman, who
+had two greatcoats spread under him, refused to lend either, lest they
+should be made bloody: the lady's footman desired to be excused for the
+same reason, which the lady herself, notwithstanding her abhorrence of a
+naked man, approved: and it is more than probable poor Joseph, who
+obstinately adhered to his modest resolution, must have perished, unless
+the postillion (a lad who hath been since transported for robbing a
+hen-roost) had voluntarily stript off a greatcoat, his only garment, at
+the same time swearing a great oath (for which he was rebuked by the
+passengers), "that he would rather ride in his shirt all his life than
+suffer a fellow-creature to lie in so miserable a condition."
+
+Joseph, having put on the greatcoat, was lifted into the coach, which
+now proceeded on its journey. He declared himself almost dead with the
+cold, which gave the man of wit an occasion to ask the lady if she could
+not accommodate him with a dram. She answered, with some resentment,
+"She wondered at his asking her such a question; but assured him she
+never tasted any such thing."
+
+The lawyer was inquiring into the circumstances of the robbery, when the
+coach stopt, and one of the ruffians, putting a pistol in, demanded
+their money of the passengers, who readily gave it them; and the lady,
+in her fright, delivered up a little silver bottle, of about a
+half-pint size, which the rogue, clapping it to his mouth, and drinking
+her health, declared, held some of the best Nantes he had ever tasted:
+this the lady afterwards assured the company was the mistake of her
+maid, for that she had ordered her to fill the bottle with
+Hungary-water.
+
+As soon as the fellows were departed, the lawyer, who had, it seems, a
+case of pistols in the seat of the coach, informed the company, that if
+it had been daylight, and he could have come at his pistols, he would
+not have submitted to the robbery: he likewise set forth that he had
+often met highwaymen when he travelled on horseback, but none ever durst
+attack him; concluding that, if he had not been more afraid for the lady
+than for himself, he should not have now parted with his money
+so easily.
+
+As wit is generally observed to love to reside in empty pockets, so the
+gentleman whose ingenuity we have above remarked, as soon as he had
+parted with his money, began to grow wonderfully facetious. He made
+frequent allusions to Adam and Eve, and said many excellent things on
+figs and fig-leaves; which perhaps gave more offence to Joseph than to
+any other in the company.
+
+The lawyer likewise made several very pretty jests without departing
+from his profession. He said, "If Joseph and the lady were alone, he
+would be more capable of making a conveyance to her, as his affairs were
+not fettered with any incumbrance; he'd warrant he soon suffered a
+recovery by a writ of entry, which was the proper way to create heirs in
+tail; that, for his own part, he would engage to make so firm a
+settlement in a coach, that there should be no danger of an ejectment,"
+with an inundation of the like gibberish, which he continued to vent
+till the coach arrived at an inn, where one servant-maid only was up, in
+readiness to attend the coachman, and furnish him with cold meat and a
+dram. Joseph desired to alight, and that he might have a bed prepared
+for him, which the maid readily promised to perform; and, being a
+good-natured wench, and not so squeamish as the lady had been, she clapt
+a large fagot on the fire, and, furnishing Joseph with a greatcoat
+belonging to one of the hostlers, desired him to sit down and warm
+himself whilst she made his bed. The coachman, in the meantime, took an
+opportunity to call up a surgeon, who lived within a few doors; after
+which, he reminded his passengers how late they were, and, after they
+had taken leave of Joseph, hurried them off as fast as he could.
+
+The wench soon got Joseph to bed, and promised to use her interest to
+borrow him a shirt; but imagining, as she afterwards said, by his being
+so bloody, that he must be a dead man, she ran with all speed to hasten
+the surgeon, who was more than half drest, apprehending that the coach
+had been overturned, and some gentleman or lady hurt. As soon as the
+wench had informed him at his window that it was a poor foot-passenger
+who had been stripped of all he had, and almost murdered, he chid her
+for disturbing him so early, slipped off his clothes again, and very
+quietly returned to bed and to sleep.
+
+Aurora now began to shew her blooming cheeks over the hills, whilst ten
+millions of feathered songsters, in jocund chorus, repeated odes a
+thousand times sweeter than those of our laureat, and sung both the day
+and the song; when the master of the inn, Mr Tow-wouse, arose, and
+learning from his maid an account of the robbery, and the situation of
+his poor naked guest, he shook his head, and cried, "good-lack-a-day!"
+and then ordered the girl to carry him one of his own shirts.
+
+Mrs Tow-wouse was just awake, and had stretched out her arms in vain to
+fold her departed husband, when the maid entered the room. "Who's there?
+Betty?"--"Yes, madam."--"Where's your master?"--"He's without, madam;
+he hath sent me for a shirt to lend a poor naked man, who hath been
+robbed and murdered."--"Touch one if you dare, you slut," said Mrs
+Tow-wouse: "your master is a pretty sort of a man, to take in naked
+vagabonds, and clothe them with his own clothes. I shall have no such
+doings. If you offer to touch anything, I'll throw the chamber-pot at
+your head. Go, send your master to me."--"Yes, madam," answered Betty.
+As soon as he came in, she thus began: "What the devil do you mean by
+this, Mr Tow-wouse? Am I to buy shirts to lend to a set of scabby
+rascals?"--"My dear," said Mr Tow-wouse, "this is a poor
+wretch."--"Yes," says she, "I know it is a poor wretch; but what the
+devil have we to do with poor wretches? The law makes us provide for too
+many already. We shall have thirty or forty poor wretches in red coats
+shortly."--"My dear," cries Tow-wouse, "this man hath been robbed of all
+he hath."--"Well then," said she, "where's his money to pay his
+reckoning? Why doth not such a fellow go to an alehouse? I shall send
+him packing as soon as I am up, I assure you."--"My dear," said he,
+"common charity won't suffer you to do that."--"Common charity, a f--t!"
+says she, "common charity teaches us to provide for ourselves and our
+families; and I and mine won't be ruined by your charity, I assure
+you."--"Well," says he, "my dear, do as you will, when you are up; you
+know I never contradict you."--"No," says she; "if the devil was to
+contradict me, I would make the house too hot to hold him."
+
+With such like discourses they consumed near half-an-hour, whilst Betty
+provided a shirt from the hostler, who was one of her sweethearts, and
+put it on poor Joseph. The surgeon had likewise at last visited him, and
+washed and drest his wounds, and was now come to acquaint Mr Tow-wouse
+that his guest was in such extreme danger of his life, that he scarce
+saw any hopes of his recovery. "Here's a pretty kettle of fish," cries
+Mrs Tow-wouse, "you have brought upon us! We are like to have a funeral
+at our own expense." Tow-wouse (who, notwithstanding his charity, would
+have given his vote as freely as ever he did at an election, that any
+other house in the kingdom should have quiet possession of his guest)
+answered, "My dear, I am not to blame; he was brought hither by the
+stage-coach, and Betty had put him to bed before I was stirring."--"I'll
+Betty her," says she.--At which, with half her garments on, the other
+half under her arm, she sallied out in quest of the unfortunate Betty,
+whilst Tow-wouse and the surgeon went to pay a visit to poor Joseph, and
+inquire into the circumstances of this melancholy affair.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+_What happened to Joseph during his sickness at the inn, with the
+curious discourse between him and Mr Barnabas, the parson of
+the parish._
+
+
+As soon as Joseph had communicated a particular history of the robbery,
+together with a short account of himself, and his intended journey, he
+asked the surgeon if he apprehended him to be in any danger: to which
+the surgeon very honestly answered, "He feared he was; for that his
+pulse was very exalted and feverish, and, if his fever should prove more
+than symptomatic, it would be impossible to save him." Joseph, fetching
+a deep sigh, cried, "Poor Fanny, I would I could have lived to see thee!
+but God's will be done."
+
+The surgeon then advised him, if he had any worldly affairs to settle,
+that he would do it as soon as possible; for, though he hoped he might
+recover, yet he thought himself obliged to acquaint him he was in great
+danger; and if the malign concoction of his humours should cause a
+suscitation of his fever, he might soon grow delirious and incapable to
+make his will. Joseph answered, "That it was impossible for any creature
+in the universe to be in a poorer condition than himself; for since the
+robbery he had not one thing of any kind whatever which he could call
+his own." "I had," said he, "a poor little piece of gold, which they
+took away, that would have been a comfort to me in all my afflictions;
+but surely, Fanny, I want nothing to remind me of thee. I have thy dear
+image in my heart, and no villain can ever tear it thence."
+
+Joseph desired paper and pens, to write a letter, but they were refused
+him; and he was advised to use all his endeavours to compose himself.
+They then left him; and Mr Tow-wouse sent to a clergyman to come and
+administer his good offices to the soul of poor Joseph, since the
+surgeon despaired of making any successful applications to his body.
+
+Mr Barnabas (for that was the clergyman's name) came as soon as sent
+for; and, having first drank a dish of tea with the landlady, and
+afterwards a bowl of punch with the landlord, he walked up to the room
+where Joseph lay; but, finding him asleep, returned to take the other
+sneaker; which when he had finished, he again crept softly up to the
+chamber-door, and, having opened it, heard the sick man talking to
+himself in the following manner:--
+
+"O most adorable Pamela! most virtuous sister! whose example could alone
+enable me to withstand all the temptations of riches and beauty, and to
+preserve my virtue pure and chaste for the arms of my dear Fanny, if it
+had pleased Heaven that I should ever have come unto them. What riches,
+or honours, or pleasures, can make us amends for the loss of innocence?
+Doth not that alone afford us more consolation than all worldly
+acquisitions? What but innocence and virtue could give any comfort to
+such a miserable wretch as I am? Yet these can make me prefer this sick
+and painful bed to all the pleasures I should have found in my lady's.
+These can make me face death without fear; and though I love my Fanny
+more than ever man loved a woman, these can teach me to resign myself to
+the Divine will without repining. O thou delightful charming creature!
+if Heaven had indulged thee to my arms, the poorest, humblest state
+would have been a paradise; I could have lived with thee in the lowest
+cottage without envying the palaces, the dainties, or the riches of any
+man breathing. But I must leave thee, leave thee for ever, my dearest
+angel! I must think of another world; and I heartily pray thou may'st
+meet comfort in this."--Barnabas thought he had heard enough, so
+downstairs he went, and told Tow-wouse he could do his guest no service;
+for that he was very light-headed, and had uttered nothing but a
+rhapsody of nonsense all the time he stayed in the room.
+
+The surgeon returned in the afternoon, and found his patient in a higher
+fever, as he said, than when he left him, though not delirious; for,
+notwithstanding Mr Barnabas's opinion, he had not been once out of his
+senses since his arrival at the inn.
+
+Mr Barnabas was again sent for, and with much difficulty prevailed on to
+make another visit. As soon as he entered the room he told Joseph "He
+was come to pray by him, and to prepare him for another world: in the
+first place, therefore, he hoped he had repented of all his sins."
+Joseph answered, "He hoped he had; but there was one thing which he knew
+not whether he should call a sin; if it was, he feared he should die in
+the commission of it; and that was, the regret of parting with a young
+woman whom he loved as tenderly as he did his heart-strings." Barnabas
+bad him be assured "that any repining at the Divine will was one of the
+greatest sins he could commit; that he ought to forget all carnal
+affections, and think of better things." Joseph said, "That neither in
+this world nor the next he could forget his Fanny; and that the thought,
+however grievous, of parting from her for ever, was not half so
+tormenting as the fear of what she would suffer when she knew his
+misfortune." Barnabas said, "That such fears argued a diffidence and
+despondence very criminal; that he must divest himself of all human
+passions, and fix his heart above." Joseph answered, "That was what he
+desired to do, and should be obliged to him if he would enable him to
+accomplish it." Barnabas replied, "That must be done by grace." Joseph
+besought him to discover how he might attain it. Barnabas answered, "By
+prayer and faith." He then questioned him concerning his forgiveness of
+the thieves. Joseph answered, "He feared that was more than he could do;
+for nothing would give him more pleasure than to hear they were
+taken."--"That," cries Barnabas, "is for the sake of justice."--"Yes,"
+said Joseph, "but if I was to meet them again, I am afraid I should
+attack them, and kill them too, if I could."--"Doubtless," answered
+Barnabas, "it is lawful to kill a thief; but can you say you forgive
+them as a Christian ought?" Joseph desired to know what that forgiveness
+was. "That is," answered Barnabas, "to forgive them as--as--it is to
+forgive them as--in short, it is to forgive them as a Christian."--
+Joseph replied, "He forgave them as much as he could."--"Well, well,"
+said Barnabas, "that will do." He then demanded of him, "If he
+remembered any more sins unrepented of; and if he did, he desired him to
+make haste and repent of them as fast as he could, that they might
+repeat over a few prayers together." Joseph answered, "He could not
+recollect any great crimes he had been guilty of, and that those he had
+committed he was sincerely sorry for." Barnabas said that was enough,
+and then proceeded to prayer with all the expedition he was master of,
+some company then waiting for him below in the parlour, where the
+ingredients for punch were all in readiness; but no one would squeeze
+the oranges till he came.
+
+Joseph complained he was dry, and desired a little tea; which Barnabas
+reported to Mrs Tow-wouse, who answered, "She had just done drinking it,
+and could not be slopping all day;" but ordered Betty to carry him up
+some small beer.
+
+Betty obeyed her mistress's commands; but Joseph, as soon as he had
+tasted it, said, he feared it would increase his fever, and that he
+longed very much for tea; to which the good-natured Betty answered, he
+should have tea, if there was any in the land; she accordingly went and
+bought him some herself, and attended him with it; where we will leave
+her and Joseph together for some time, to entertain the reader with
+other matters.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+_Being very full of adventures which succeeded each other at the inn._
+
+
+It was now the dusk of the evening, when a grave person rode into the
+inn, and, committing his horse to the hostler, went directly into the
+kitchen, and, having called for a pipe of tobacco, took his place by the
+fireside, where several other persons were likewise assembled.
+
+The discourse ran altogether on the robbery which was committed the
+night before, and on the poor wretch who lay above in the dreadful
+condition in which we have already seen him. Mrs Tow-wouse said, "She
+wondered what the devil Tom Whipwell meant by bringing such guests to
+her house, when there were so many alehouses on the road proper for
+their reception. But she assured him, if he died, the parish should be
+at the expense of the funeral." She added, "Nothing would serve the
+fellow's turn but tea, she would assure him." Betty, who was just
+returned from her charitable office, answered, she believed he was a
+gentleman, for she never saw a finer skin in her life. "Pox on his
+skin!" replied Mrs Tow-wouse, "I suppose that is all we are like to have
+for the reckoning. I desire no such gentlemen should ever call at the
+Dragon" (which it seems was the sign of the inn).
+
+The gentleman lately arrived discovered a great deal of emotion at the
+distress of this poor creature, whom he observed to be fallen not into
+the most compassionate hands. And indeed, if Mrs Tow-wouse had given no
+utterance to the sweetness of her temper, nature had taken such pains in
+her countenance, that Hogarth himself never gave more expression to
+a picture.
+
+Her person was short, thin, and crooked. Her forehead projected in the
+middle, and thence descended in a declivity to the top of her nose,
+which was sharp and red, and would have hung over her lips, had not
+nature turned up the end of it. Her lips were two bits of skin, which,
+whenever she spoke, she drew together in a purse. Her chin was peaked;
+and at the upper end of that skin which composed her cheeks, stood two
+bones, that almost hid a pair of small red eyes. Add to this a voice
+most wonderfully adapted to the sentiments it was to convey, being both
+loud and hoarse.
+
+It is not easy to say whether the gentleman had conceived a greater
+dislike for his landlady or compassion for her unhappy guest. He
+inquired very earnestly of the surgeon, who was now come into the
+kitchen, whether he had any hopes of his recovery? He begged him to use
+all possible means towards it, telling him, "it was I the duty of men of
+all professions to apply their skill gratis for the relief of the poor
+and necessitous." The surgeon answered, "He should take proper care; but
+he defied all the surgeons in London to do him any good."--"Pray, sir,"
+said the gentleman, "what are his wounds?"--"Why, do you know anything
+of wounds?" says the surgeon (winking upon Mrs Tow-wouse).--"Sir, I have
+a small smattering in surgery," answered the gentleman.--"A
+smattering--ho, ho, ho!" said the surgeon; "I believe it is a
+smattering indeed."
+
+The company were all attentive, expecting to hear the doctor, who was
+what they call a dry fellow, expose the gentleman.
+
+He began therefore with an air of triumph: "I I suppose, sir, you have
+travelled?"--"No, really, sir," said the gentleman.--"Ho! then you have
+practised in the hospitals perhaps?"--"No, sir."--"Hum! not that
+neither? Whence, sir, then, if I may be so bold to inquire, have you got
+your knowledge in surgery?"--"Sir," answered the gentleman, "I do not
+pretend to much; but the little I know I have from books."--"Books!"
+cries the doctor. "What, I suppose you have read Galen and
+Hippocrates!"--"No, sir," said the gentleman.--"How! you understand
+surgery," answers the doctor, "and not read Galen and Hippocrates?"--
+"Sir," cries the other, "I believe there are many surgeons who have
+never read these authors."--"I believe so too," says the doctor, "more
+shame for them; but, thanks to my education, I have them by heart, and
+very seldom go without them both in my pocket."--"They are pretty large
+books," said the gentleman.--"Aye," said the doctor, "I believe I know
+how large they are better than you." (At which he fell a winking, and
+the whole company burst into a laugh.)
+
+The doctor pursuing his triumph, asked the gentleman, "If he did not
+understand physic as well as surgery." "Rather better," answered the
+gentleman.--"Aye, like enough," cries the doctor, with a wink. "Why, I
+know a little of physic too."--"I wish I knew half so much," said
+Tow-wouse, "I'd never wear an apron again."--"Why, I believe, landlord,"
+cries the doctor, "there are few men, though I say it, within twelve
+miles of the place, that handle a fever better. _Veniente accurrite
+morbo_: that is my method. I suppose, brother, you understand
+_Latin_?"--"A little," says the gentleman.--"Aye, and Greek now, I'll
+warrant you: _Ton dapomibominos poluflosboio Thalasses_. But I have
+almost forgot these things: I could have repeated Homer by heart
+once."--"Ifags! the gentleman has caught a traytor," says Mrs Tow-wouse;
+at which they all fell a laughing.
+
+The gentleman, who had not the least affection for joking, very
+contentedly suffered the doctor to enjoy his victory, which he did with
+no small satisfaction; and, having sufficiently sounded his depth, told
+him, "He was thoroughly convinced of his great learning and abilities;
+and that he would be obliged to him if he would let him know his opinion
+of his patient's case above-stairs."--"Sir," says the doctor, "his case
+is that of a dead man--the contusion on his head has perforated the
+internal membrane of the occiput, and divelicated that radical small
+minute invisible nerve which coheres to the pericranium; and this was
+attended with a fever at first symptomatic, then pneumatic; and he is at
+length grown deliriuus, or delirious, as the vulgar express it."
+
+He was proceeding in this learned manner, when a mighty noise
+interrupted him. Some young fellows in the neighbourhood had taken one
+of the thieves, and were bringing him into the inn. Betty ran upstairs
+with this news to Joseph, who begged they might search for a little
+piece of broken gold, which had a ribband tied to it, and which he could
+swear to amongst all the hoards of the richest men in the universe.
+
+Notwithstanding the fellow's persisting in his innocence, the mob were
+very busy in searching him, and presently, among other things, pulled
+out the piece of gold just mentioned; which Betty no sooner saw than she
+laid violent hands on it, and conveyed it up to Joseph, who received it
+with raptures of joy, and, hugging it in his bosom, declared he could
+now die contented.
+
+Within a few minutes afterwards came in some other fellows, with a
+bundle which they had found in a ditch, and which was indeed the cloaths
+which had been stripped off from Joseph, and the other things they had
+taken from him.
+
+The gentleman no sooner saw the coat than he declared he knew the
+livery; and, if it had been taken from the poor creature above-stairs,
+desired he might see him; for that he was very well acquainted with the
+family to whom that livery belonged.
+
+He was accordingly conducted up by Betty; but what, reader, was the
+surprize on both sides, when he saw Joseph was the person in bed, and
+when Joseph discovered the face of his good friend Mr Abraham Adams!
+
+It would be impertinent to insert a discourse which chiefly turned on
+the relation of matters already well known to the reader; for, as soon
+as the curate had satisfied Joseph concerning the perfect health of his
+Fanny, he was on his side very inquisitive into all the particulars
+which had produced this unfortunate accident.
+
+To return therefore to the kitchen, where a great variety of company
+were now assembled from all the rooms of the house, as well as the
+neighbourhood: so much delight do men take in contemplating the
+countenance of a thief.
+
+Mr Tow-wouse began to rub his hands with pleasure at seeing so large an
+assembly; who would, he hoped, shortly adjourn into several apartments,
+in order to discourse over the robbery, and drink a health to all honest
+men. But Mrs Tow-wouse, whose misfortune it was commonly to see things a
+little perversely, began to rail at those who brought the fellow into
+her house; telling her husband, "They were very likely to thrive who
+kept a house of entertainment for beggars and thieves."
+
+The mob had now finished their search, and could find nothing about the
+captive likely to prove any evidence; for as to the cloaths, though the
+mob were very well satisfied with that proof, yet, as the surgeon
+observed, they could not convict him, because they were not found in his
+custody; to which Barnabas agreed, and added that these were _bona
+waviata_, and belonged to the lord of the manor.
+
+"How," says the surgeon, "do you say these goods belong to the lord of
+the manor?"--"I do," cried Barnabas.--"Then I deny it," says the
+surgeon: "what can the lord of the manor have to do in the case? Will
+any one attempt to persuade me that what a man finds is not his
+own?"--"I have heard," says an old fellow in the corner, "justice
+Wise-one say, that, if every man had his right, whatever is found
+belongs to the king of London."--"That may be true," says Barnabas, "in
+some sense; for the law makes a difference between things stolen and
+things found; for a thing may be stolen that never is found, and a thing
+may be found that never was stolen: Now, goods that are both stolen and
+found are _waviata_; and they belong to the lord of the manor."--"So the
+lord of the manor is the receiver of stolen goods," says the doctor; at
+which there was an universal laugh, being first begun by himself.
+
+While the prisoner, by persisting in his innocence, had almost (as there
+was no evidence against him) brought over Barnabas, the surgeon,
+Tow-wouse, and several others to his side, Betty informed them that they
+had overlooked a little piece of gold, which she had carried up to the
+man in bed, and which he offered to swear to amongst a million, aye,
+amongst ten thousand. This immediately turned the scale against the
+prisoner, and every one now concluded him guilty. It was resolved,
+therefore, to keep him secured that night, and early in the morning to
+carry him before a justice.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+_Showing how Mrs Tow-wouse was a little mollified; and how officious Mr
+Barnabas and the surgeon were to prosecute the thief: with a
+dissertation accounting for their zeal, and that of many other persons
+not mentioned in this history._
+
+
+Betty told her mistress she believed the man in bed was a greater man
+than they took him for; for, besides the extreme whiteness of his skin,
+and the softness of his hands, she observed a very great familiarity
+between the gentleman and him; and added, she was certain they were
+intimate acquaintance, if not relations.
+
+This somewhat abated the severity of Mrs Tow-wouse's countenance. She
+said, "God forbid she should not discharge the duty of a Christian,
+since the poor gentleman was brought to her house. She had a natural
+antipathy to vagabonds; but could pity the misfortunes of a Christian
+as soon as another." Tow-wouse said, "If the traveller be a gentleman,
+though he hath no money about him now, we shall most likely be paid
+hereafter; so you may begin to score whenever you will." Mrs Tow-wouse
+answered, "Hold your simple tongue, and don't instruct me in my
+business. I am sure I am sorry for the gentleman's misfortune with all
+my heart; and I hope the villain who hath used him so barbarously will
+be hanged. Betty, go see what he wants. God forbid he should want
+anything in my house."
+
+Barnabas and the surgeon went up to Joseph to satisfy themselves
+concerning the piece of gold; Joseph was with difficulty prevailed upon
+to show it them, but would by no entreaties be brought to deliver it out
+of his own possession. He however attested this to be the same which had
+been taken from him, and Betty was ready to swear to the finding it on
+the thief.
+
+The only difficulty that remained was, how to produce this gold before
+the justice; for as to carrying Joseph himself, it seemed impossible;
+nor was there any great likelihood of obtaining it from him, for he had
+fastened it with a ribband to his arm, and solemnly vowed that nothing
+but irresistible force should ever separate them; in which resolution,
+Mr Adams, clenching a fist rather less than the knuckle of an ox,
+declared he would support him.
+
+A dispute arose on this occasion concerning evidence not very necessary
+to be related here; after which the surgeon dressed Mr Joseph's head,
+still persisting in the imminent danger in which his patient lay, but
+concluding, with a very important look, "That he began to have some
+hopes; that he should send him a sanative soporiferous draught, and
+would see him in the morning." After which Barnabas and he departed, and
+left Mr Joseph and Mr Adams together.
+
+Adams informed Joseph of the occasion of this journey which he was
+making to London, namely, to publish three volumes of sermons; being
+encouraged, as he said, by an advertisement lately set forth by the
+society of booksellers, who proposed to purchase any copies offered to
+them, at a price to be settled by two persons; but though he imagined he
+should get a considerable sum of money on this occasion, which his
+family were in urgent need of, he protested he would not leave Joseph in
+his present condition: finally, he told him, "He had nine shillings and
+threepence halfpenny in his pocket, which he was welcome to use as
+he pleased."
+
+This goodness of parson Adams brought tears into Joseph's eyes; he
+declared, "He had now a second reason to desire life, that he might show
+his gratitude to such a friend." Adams bade him "be cheerful; for that
+he plainly saw the surgeon, besides his ignorance, desired to make a
+merit of curing him, though the wounds in his head, he perceived, were
+by no means dangerous; that he was convinced he had no fever, and
+doubted not but he would be able to travel in a day or two."
+
+These words infused a spirit into Joseph; he said, "He found himself
+very sore from the bruises, but had no reason to think any of his bones
+injured, or that he had received any harm in his inside, unless that he
+felt something very odd in his stomach; but he knew not whether that
+might not arise from not having eaten one morsel for above twenty-four
+hours." Being then asked if he had any inclination to eat, he answered
+in the affirmative. Then parson Adams desired him to "name what he had
+the greatest fancy for; whether a poached egg, or chicken-broth." He
+answered, "He could eat both very well; but that he seemed to have the
+greatest appetite for a piece of boiled beef and cabbage."
+
+Adams was pleased with so perfect a confirmation that he had not the
+least fever, but advised him to a lighter diet for that evening. He
+accordingly ate either a rabbit or a fowl, I never could with any
+tolerable certainty discover which; after this he was, by Mrs
+Tow-wouse's order, conveyed into a better bed and equipped with one of
+her husband's shirts.
+
+In the morning early, Barnabas and the surgeon came to the inn, in order
+to see the thief conveyed before the justice. They had consumed the
+whole night in debating what measures they should take to produce the
+piece of gold in evidence against him; for they were both extremely
+zealous in the business, though neither of them were in the least
+interested in the prosecution; neither of them had ever received any
+private injury from the fellow, nor had either of them ever been
+suspected of loving the publick well enough to give them a sermon or a
+dose of physic for nothing.
+
+To help our reader, therefore, as much as possible to account for this
+zeal, we must inform him that, as this parish was so unfortunate as to
+have no lawyer in it, there had been a constant contention between the
+two doctors, spiritual and physical, concerning their abilities in a
+science, in which, as neither of them professed it, they had equal
+pretensions to dispute each other's opinions. These disputes were
+carried on with great contempt on both sides, and had almost divided the
+parish; Mr Tow-wouse and one half of the neighbours inclining to the
+surgeon, and Mrs Tow-wouse with the other half to the parson. The
+surgeon drew his knowledge from those inestimable fountains, called The
+Attorney's Pocket Companion, and Mr Jacob's Law-Tables; Barnabas trusted
+entirely to Wood's Institutes. It happened on this occasion, as was
+pretty frequently the case, that these two learned men differed about
+the sufficiency of evidence; the doctor being of opinion that the maid's
+oath would convict the prisoner without producing the gold; the parson,
+_e contra, totis viribus._ To display their parts, therefore, before
+the justice and the parish, was the sole motive which we can discover to
+this zeal which both of them pretended to have for public justice.
+
+O Vanity! how little is thy force acknowledged, or thy operations
+discerned! How wantonly dost thou deceive mankind under different
+disguises! Sometimes thou dost wear the face of pity, sometimes of
+generosity: nay, thou hast the assurance even to put on those glorious
+ornaments which belong only to heroic virtue. Thou odious, deformed
+monster! whom priests have railed at, philosophers despised, and poets
+ridiculed; is there a wretch so abandoned as to own thee for an
+acquaintance in public?--yet, how few will refuse to enjoy thee in
+private? nay, thou art the pursuit of most men through their lives. The
+greatest villainies are daily practised to please thee; nor is the
+meanest thief below, or the greatest hero above, thy notice. Thy
+embraces are often the sole aim and sole reward of the private robbery
+and the plundered province. It is to pamper up thee, thou harlot, that
+we attempt to withdraw from others what we do not want, or to withhold
+from them what they do. All our passions are thy slaves. Avarice itself
+is often no more than thy handmaid, and even Lust thy pimp. The bully
+Fear, like a coward, flies before thee, and Joy and Grief hide their
+heads in thy presence.
+
+I know thou wilt think that whilst I abuse thee I court thee, and that
+thy love hath inspired me to write this sarcastical panegyric on thee;
+but thou art deceived: I value thee not of a farthing; nor will it give
+me any pain if thou shouldst prevail on the reader to censure this
+digression as arrant nonsense; for know, to thy confusion, that I have
+introduced thee for no other purpose than to lengthen out a short
+chapter, and so I return to my history.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+_The escape of the thief. Mr Adams's disappointment. The arrival of
+two very extraordinary personages, and the introduction of parson Adams
+to parson Barnabas._
+
+
+Barnabas and the surgeon, being returned, as we have said, to the inn,
+in order to convey the thief before the justice, were greatly concerned
+to find a small accident had happened, which somewhat disconcerted them;
+and this was no other than the thief's escape, who had modestly
+withdrawn himself by night, declining all ostentation, and not chusing,
+in imitation of some great men, to distinguish himself at the expense of
+being pointed at.
+
+When the company had retired the evening before, the thief was detained
+in a room where the constable, and one of the young fellows who took
+him, were planted as his guard. About the second watch a general
+complaint of drought was made, both by the prisoner and his keepers.
+Among whom it was at last agreed that the constable should remain on
+duty, and the young fellow call up the tapster; in which disposition the
+latter apprehended not the least danger, as the constable was well
+armed, and could besides easily summon him back to his assistance, if
+the prisoner made the least attempt to gain his liberty.
+
+The young fellow had not long left the room before it came into the
+constable's head that the prisoner might leap on him by surprize, and,
+thereby preventing him of the use of his weapons, especially the long
+staff in which he chiefly confided, might reduce the success of a
+struggle to a equal chance. He wisely, therefore, to prevent this
+inconvenience, slipt out of the room himself, and locked the door,
+waiting without with his staff in his hand, ready lifted to fell the
+unhappy prisoner, if by ill fortune he should attempt to break out.
+
+But human life, as hath been discovered by some great man or other (for
+I would by no means be understood to affect the honour of making any
+such discovery), very much resembles a game at chess; for as in the
+latter, while a gamester is too attentive to secure himself very
+strongly on one side the board, he is apt to leave an unguarded opening
+on the other; so doth it often happen in life, and so did it happen on
+this occasion; for whilst the cautious constable with such wonderful
+sagacity had possessed himself of the door, he most unhappily forgot
+the window.
+
+The thief, who played on the other side, no sooner perceived this
+opening than he began to move that way; and, finding the passage easy,
+he took with him the young fellow's hat, and without any ceremony
+stepped into the street and made the best of his way.
+
+The young fellow, returning with a double mug of strong beer, was a
+little surprized to find the constable at the door; but much more so
+when, the door being opened, he perceived the prisoner had made his
+escape, and which way. He threw down the beer, and, without uttering
+anything to the constable except a hearty curse or two, he nimbly leapt
+out of the window, and went again in pursuit of his prey, being very
+unwilling to lose the reward which he had assured himself of.
+
+The constable hath not been discharged of suspicion on this account; it
+hath been said that, not being concerned in the taking the thief, he
+could not have been entitled to any part of the reward if he had been
+convicted; that the thief had several guineas in his pocket; that it was
+very unlikely he should have been guilty of such an oversight; that his
+pretence for leaving the room was absurd; that it was his constant
+maxim, that a wise man never refused money on any conditions; that at
+every election he always had sold his vote to both parties, &c.
+
+But, notwithstanding these and many other such allegations, I am
+sufficiently convinced of his innocence; having been positively assured
+of it by those who received their informations from his own mouth;
+which, in the opinion of some moderns, is the best and indeed
+only evidence.
+
+All the family were now up, and with many others assembled in the
+kitchen, where Mr Tow-wouse was in some tribulation; the surgeon having
+declared that by law he was liable to be indicted for the thief's
+escape, as it was out of his house; he was a little comforted, however,
+by Mr Barnabas's opinion, that as the escape was by night the indictment
+would not lie.
+
+Mrs Tow-wouse delivered herself in the following words: "Sure never was
+such a fool as my husband; would any other person living have left a man
+in the custody of such a drunken drowsy blockhead as Tom Suckbribe?"
+(which was the constable's name); "and if he could be indicted without
+any harm to his wife and children, I should be glad of it." (Then the
+bell rung in Joseph's room.) "Why Betty, John, Chamberlain, where the
+devil are you all? Have you no ears, or no conscience, not to tend the
+sick better? See what the gentleman wants. Why don't you go yourself, Mr
+Tow-wouse? But any one may die for you; you have no more feeling than a
+deal board. If a man lived a fortnight in your house without spending a
+penny, you would never put him in mind of it. See whether he drinks tea
+or coffee for breakfast." "Yes, my dear," cried Tow-wouse. She then
+asked the doctor and Mr Barnabas what morning's draught they chose, who
+answered, they had a pot of cyder-and at the fire; which we will leave
+them merry over, and return to Joseph.
+
+He had rose pretty early this morning; but, though his wounds were far
+from threatening any danger, he was so sore with the bruises, that it
+was impossible for him to think of undertaking a journey yet; Mr Adams,
+therefore, whose stock was visibly decreased with the expenses of supper
+and breakfast, and which could not survive that day's scoring, began to
+consider how it was possible to recruit it. At last he cried, "He had
+luckily hit on a sure method, and, though it would oblige him to return
+himself home together with Joseph, it mattered not much." He then sent
+for Tow-wouse, and, taking him into another room, told him "he wanted to
+borrow three guineas, for which he would put ample security into his
+hands." Tow-wouse, who expected a watch, or ring, or something of double
+the value, answered, "He believed he could furnish him." Upon which
+Adams, pointing to his saddle-bag, told him, with a face and voice full
+of solemnity, "that there were in that bag no less than nine volumes of
+manuscript sermons, as well worth a hundred pounds as a shilling was
+worth twelve pence, and that he would deposit one of the volumes in his
+hands by way of pledge; not doubting but that he would have the honesty
+to return it on his repayment of the money; for otherwise he must be a
+very great loser, seeing that every volume would at least bring him ten
+pounds, as he had been informed by a neighbouring clergyman in the
+country; for," said he, "as to my own part, having never yet dealt in
+printing, I do not pretend to ascertain the exact value of such things."
+
+Tow-wouse, who was a little surprized at the pawn, said (and not without
+some truth), "That he was no judge of the price of such kind of goods;
+and as for money, he really was very short." Adams answered, "Certainly
+he would not scruple to lend him three guineas on what was undoubtedly
+worth at least ten." The landlord replied, "He did not believe he had
+so much money in the house, and besides, he was to make up a sum. He was
+very confident the books were of much higher value, and heartily sorry
+it did not suit him." He then cried out, "Coming sir!" though nobody
+called; and ran downstairs without any fear of breaking his neck.
+
+Poor Adams was extremely dejected at this disappointment, nor knew he
+what further stratagem to try. He immediately applied to his pipe, his
+constant friend and comfort in his afflictions; and, leaning over the
+rails, he devoted himself to meditation, assisted by the inspiring fumes
+of tobacco.
+
+He had on a nightcap drawn over his wig, and a short greatcoat, which
+half covered his cassock--a dress which, added to something comical
+enough in his countenance, composed a figure likely to attract the eyes
+of those who were not over given to observation.
+
+Whilst he was smoaking his pipe in this posture, a coach and six, with a
+numerous attendance, drove into the inn. There alighted from the coach a
+young fellow and a brace of pointers, after which another young fellow
+leapt from the box, and shook the former by the hand; and both, together
+with the dogs, were instantly conducted by Mr Tow-wouse into an
+apartment; whither as they passed, they entertained themselves with the
+following short facetious dialogue:--
+
+"You are a pretty fellow for a coachman, Jack!" says he from the coach;
+"you had almost overturned us just now."--"Pox take you!" says the
+coachman; "if I had only broke your neck, it would have been saving
+somebody else the trouble; but I should have been sorry for the
+pointers."--"Why, you son of a b--," answered the other, "if nobody
+could shoot better than you, the pointers would be of no use."--"D--n
+me," says the coachman, "I will shoot with you five guineas a
+shot."--"You be hanged," says the other; "for five guineas you shall
+shoot at my a--."--"Done," says the coachman; "I'll pepper you better
+than ever you was peppered by Jenny Bouncer."--"Pepper your
+grandmother," says the other: "Here's Tow-wouse will let you shoot at
+him for a shilling a time."--"I know his honour better," cries
+Tow-wouse; "I never saw a surer shot at a partridge. Every man misses
+now and then; but if I could shoot half as well as his honour, I would
+desire no better livelihood than I could get by my gun."--"Pox on you,"
+said the coachman, "you demolish more game now than your head's worth.
+There's a bitch, Tow-wouse: by G-- she never blinked[A] a bird in her
+life."--"I have a puppy, not a year old, shall hunt with her for a
+hundred," cries the other gentleman.--"Done," says the coachman: "but
+you will be pox'd before you make the bett."--"If you have a mind for a
+bett," cries the coachman, "I will match my spotted dog with your white
+bitch for a hundred, play or pay."--"Done," says the other: "and I'll
+run Baldface against Slouch with you for another."--"No," cries he from
+the box; "but I'll venture Miss Jenny against Baldface, or Hannibal
+either."--"Go to the devil," cries he from the coach: "I will make every
+bett your own way, to be sure! I will match Hannibal with Slouch for a
+thousand, if you dare; and I say done first."
+
+[Footnote A:
+To blink is a term used to signify the dog's passing by a bird without
+pointing at it.]
+
+They were now arrived; and the reader will be very contented to leave
+them, and repair to the kitchen; where Barnabas, the surgeon, and an
+exciseman were smoaking their pipes over some cyder-and; and where the
+servants, who attended the two noble gentlemen we have just seen alight,
+were now arrived.
+
+"Tom," cries one of the footmen, "there's parson Adams smoaking his
+pipe in the gallery."--"Yes," says Tom; "I pulled off my hat to him, and
+the parson spoke to me."
+
+"Is the gentleman a clergyman, then?" says Barnabas (for his cassock had
+been tied up when he arrived). "Yes, sir," answered the footman; "and
+one there be but few like."--"Aye," said Barnabas; "if I had known it
+sooner, I should have desired his company; I would always shew a proper
+respect for the cloth: but what say you, doctor, shall we adjourn into a
+room, and invite him to take part of a bowl of punch?"
+
+This proposal was immediately agreed to and executed; and parson Adams
+accepting the invitation, much civility passed between the two
+clergymen, who both declared the great honour they had for the cloth.
+They had not been long together before they entered into a discourse on
+small tithes, which continued a full hour, without the doctor or
+exciseman's having one opportunity to offer a word.
+
+It was then proposed to begin a general conversation, and the exciseman
+opened on foreign affairs; but a word unluckily dropping from one of
+them introduced a dissertation on the hardships suffered by the inferior
+clergy; which, after a long duration, concluded with bringing the nine
+volumes of sermons on the carpet.
+
+Barnabas greatly discouraged poor Adams; he said, "The age was so
+wicked, that nobody read sermons: would you think it, Mr Adams?" said
+he, "I once intended to print a volume of sermons myself, and they had
+the approbation of two or three bishops; but what do you think a
+bookseller offered me?"--"Twelve guineas perhaps," cried Adams.--"Not
+twelve pence, I assure you," answered Barnabas: "nay, the dog refused me
+a Concordance in exchange. At last I offered to give him the printing
+them, for the sake of dedicating them to that very gentleman who just
+now drove his own coach into the inn; and, I assure you, he had the
+impudence to refuse my offer; by which means I lost a good living, that
+was afterwards given away in exchange for a pointer, to one who--but I
+will not say anything against the cloth. So you may guess, Mr Adams,
+what you are to expect; for if sermons would have gone down, I
+believe--I will not be vain; but to be concise with you, three bishops
+said they were the best that ever were writ: but indeed there are a
+pretty moderate number printed already, and not all sold yet."--"Pray,
+sir," said Adams, "to what do you think the numbers may amount?"--"Sir,"
+answered Barnabas, "a bookseller told me, he believed five thousand
+volumes at least."--"Five thousand?" quoth the surgeon: "What can they
+be writ upon? I remember when I was a boy, I used to read one
+Tillotson's sermons; and, I am sure, if a man practised half so much as
+is in one of those sermons, he will go to heaven."--"Doctor," cried
+Barnabas, "you have a prophane way of talking, for which I must reprove
+you. A man can never have his duty too frequently inculcated into him.
+And as for Tillotson, to be sure he was a good writer, and said things
+very well; but comparisons are odious; another man may write as well as
+he--I believe there are some of my sermons,"--and then he applied the
+candle to his pipe.--"And I believe there are some of my discourses,"
+cries Adams, "which the bishops would not think totally unworthy of
+being printed; and I have been informed I might procure a very large sum
+(indeed an immense one) on them."--"I doubt that," answered Barnabas:
+"however, if you desire to make some money of them, perhaps you may sell
+them by advertising the manuscript sermons of a clergyman lately
+deceased, all warranted originals, and never printed. And now I think of
+it, I should be obliged to you, if there be ever a funeral one among
+them, to lend it me; for I am this very day to preach a funeral sermon,
+for which I have not penned a line, though I am to have a double
+price."--Adams answered, "He had but one, which he feared would not
+serve his purpose, being sacred to the memory of a magistrate, who had
+exerted himself very singularly in the preservation of the morality of
+his neighbours, insomuch that he had neither alehouse nor lewd woman in
+the parish where he lived."--"No," replied Barnabas, "that will not do
+quite so well; for the deceased, upon whose virtues I am to harangue,
+was a little too much addicted to liquor, and publickly kept a
+mistress.--I believe I must take a common sermon, and trust to my memory
+to introduce something handsome on him."--"To your invention rather,"
+said the doctor: "your memory will be apter to put you out; for no man
+living remembers anything good of him."
+
+With such kind of spiritual discourse, they emptied the bowl of punch,
+paid their reckoning, and separated: Adams and the doctor went up to
+Joseph, parson Barnabas departed to celebrate the aforesaid deceased,
+and the exciseman descended into the cellar to gauge the vessels.
+
+Joseph was now ready to sit down to a loin of mutton, and waited for Mr
+Adams, when he and the doctor came in. The doctor, having felt his pulse
+and examined his wounds, declared him much better, which he imputed to
+that sanative soporiferous draught, a medicine "whose virtues," he said,
+"were never to be sufficiently extolled." And great indeed they must be,
+if Joseph was so much indebted to them as the doctor imagined; since
+nothing more than those effluvia which escaped the cork could have
+contributed to his recovery; for the medicine had stood untouched in the
+window ever since its arrival.
+
+Joseph passed that day, and the three following, with his friend Adams,
+in which nothing so remarkable happened as the swift progress of his
+recovery. As he had an excellent habit of body, his wounds were now
+almost healed; and his bruises gave him so little uneasiness, that he
+pressed Mr Adams to let him depart; told him he should never be able to
+return sufficient thanks for all his favours, but begged that he might
+no longer delay his journey to London.
+
+Adams, notwithstanding the ignorance, as he conceived it, of Mr
+Tow-wouse, and the envy (for such he thought it) of Mr Barnabas, had
+great expectations from his sermons: seeing therefore Joseph in so good
+a way, he told him he would agree to his setting out the next morning in
+the stage-coach, that he believed he should have sufficient, after the
+reckoning paid, to procure him one day's conveyance in it, and
+afterwards he would be able to get on on foot, or might be favoured with
+a lift in some neighbour's waggon, especially as there was then to be a
+fair in the town whither the coach would carry him, to which numbers
+from his parish resorted--And as to himself, he agreed to proceed to the
+great city.
+
+They were now walking in the inn-yard, when a fat, fair, short person
+rode in, and, alighting from his horse, went directly up to Barnabas,
+who was smoaking his pipe on a bench. The parson and the stranger shook
+one another very lovingly by the hand, and went into a room together.
+
+The evening now coming on, Joseph retired to his chamber, whither the
+good Adams accompanied him, and took this opportunity to expatiate on
+the great mercies God had lately shown him, of which he ought not only
+to have the deepest inward sense, but likewise to express outward
+thankfulness for them. They therefore fell both on their knees, and
+spent a considerable time in prayer and thanksgiving.
+
+They had just finished when Betty came in and told Mr Adams Mr Barnabas
+desired to speak to him on some business of consequence below-stairs.
+Joseph desired, if it was likely to detain him long, he would let him
+know it, that he might go to bed, which Adams promised, and in that case
+they wished one another good-night.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+_A pleasant discourse between the two parsons and the bookseller, 'which
+was broke off by an unlucky accident happening in the inn, which
+produced a dialogue between Mrs Tow-wouse and her maid of no
+gentle kind._
+
+
+As soon as Adams came into the room, Mr Barnabas introduced him to the
+stranger, who was, he told him, a bookseller, and would be as likely to
+deal with him for his sermons as any man whatever. Adams, saluting the
+stranger, answered Barnabas, that he was very much obliged to him; that
+nothing could be more convenient, for he had no other business to the
+great city, and was heartily desirous of returning with the young man,
+who was just recovered of his misfortune. He then snapt his fingers (as
+was usual with him), and took two or three turns about the room in an
+extasy. And to induce the bookseller to be as expeditious as possible,
+as likewise to offer him a better price for his commodity, he assured
+them their meeting was extremely lucky to himself; for that he had the
+most pressing occasion for money at that time, his own being almost
+spent, and having a friend then in the same inn, who was just recovered
+from some wounds he had received from robbers, and was in a most
+indigent condition. "So that nothing," says he, "could be so opportune
+for the supplying both our necessities as my making an immediate bargain
+with you."
+
+As soon as he had seated himself, the stranger began in these words:
+"Sir, I do not care absolutely to deny engaging in what my friend Mr
+Barnabas recommends; but sermons are mere drugs. The trade is so vastly
+stocked with them, that really, unless they come out with the name of
+Whitefield or Wesley, or some other such great man, as a bishop, or
+those sort of people, I don't care to touch; unless now it was a sermon
+preached on the 30th of January; or we could say in the title-page,
+published at the earnest request of the congregation, or the
+inhabitants; but, truly, for a dry piece of sermons, I had rather be
+excused; especially as my hands are so full at present. However, sir, as
+Mr Barnabas mentioned them to me, I will, if you please, take the
+manuscript with me to town, and send you my opinion of it in a very
+short time."
+
+"Oh!" said Adams, "if you desire it, I will read two or three discourses
+as a specimen." This Barnabas, who loved sermons no better than a grocer
+doth figs, immediately objected to, and advised Adams to let the
+bookseller have his sermons: telling him, "If he gave him a direction,
+he might be certain of a speedy answer;" adding, he need not scruple
+trusting them in his possession. "No," said the bookseller, "if it was a
+play that had been acted twenty nights together, I believe it would
+be safe."
+
+Adams did not at all relish the last expression; he said "he was sorry
+to hear sermons compared to plays." "Not by me, I assure you," cried the
+bookseller, "though I don't know whether the licensing act may not
+shortly bring them to the same footing; but I have formerly known a
+hundred guineas given for a play."--"More shame for those who gave it,"
+cried Barnabas.--"Why so?" said the bookseller, "for they got hundreds
+by it."--"But is there no difference between conveying good or ill
+instructions to mankind?" said Adams: "Would not an honest mind rather
+lose money by the one, than gain it by the other?"--"If you can find any
+such, I will not be their hindrance," answered the bookseller; "but I
+think those persons who get by preaching sermons are the properest to
+lose by printing them: for my part, the copy that sells best will be
+always the best copy in my opinion; I am no enemy to sermons, but
+because they don't sell: for I would as soon print one of Whitefield's
+as any farce whatever."
+
+"Whoever prints such heterodox stuff ought to be hanged," says Barnabas.
+"Sir," said he, turning to Adams, "this fellow's writings (I know not
+whether you have seen them) are levelled at the clergy. He would reduce
+us to the example of the primitive ages, forsooth! and would insinuate
+to the people that a clergyman ought to be always preaching and praying.
+He pretends to understand the Scripture literally; and would make
+mankind believe that the poverty and low estate which was recommended to
+the Church in its infancy, and was only temporary doctrine adapted to
+her under persecution, was to be preserved in her flourishing and
+established state. Sir, the principles of Toland, Woolston, and all the
+freethinkers, are not calculated to do half the mischief, as those
+professed by this fellow and his followers."
+
+"Sir," answered Adams, "if Mr Whitefield had carried his doctrine no
+farther than you mention, I should have remained, as I once was, his
+well-wisher. I am, myself, as great an enemy to the luxury and splendour
+of the clergy as he can be. I do not, more than he, by the flourishing
+estate of the Church, understand the palaces, equipages, dress,
+furniture, rich dainties, and vast fortunes, of her ministers. Surely
+those things, which savour so strongly of this world, become not the
+servants of one who professed His kingdom was not of it. But when he
+began to call nonsense and enthusiasm to his aid, and set up the
+detestable doctrine of faith against good works, I was his friend no
+longer; for surely that doctrine was coined in hell; and one would think
+none but the devil himself could have the confidence to preach it. For
+can anything be more derogatory to the honour of God than for men to
+imagine that the all-wise Being will hereafter say to the good and
+virtuous, 'Notwithstanding the purity of thy life, notwithstanding that
+constant rule of virtue and goodness in which you walked upon earth,
+still, as thou didst not believe everything in the true orthodox manner,
+thy want of faith shall condemn thee?' Or, on the other side, can any
+doctrine have a more pernicious influence on society, than a persuasion
+that it will be a good plea for the villain at the last day--'Lord, it
+is true I never obeyed one of thy commandments, yet punish me not, for I
+believe them all?'"--"I suppose, sir," said the bookseller, "your
+sermons are of a different kind."--"Aye, sir," said Adams; "the
+contrary, I thank Heaven, is inculcated in almost every page, or I
+should belye my own opinion, which hath always been, that a virtuous and
+good Turk, or heathen, are more acceptable in the sight of their Creator
+than a vicious and wicked Christian, though his faith was as perfectly
+orthodox as St Paul's himself."--"I wish you success," says the
+bookseller, "but must beg to be excused, as my hands are so very full at
+present; and, indeed, I am afraid you will find a backwardness in the
+trade to engage in a book which the clergy would be certain to cry
+down."--"God forbid," says Adams, "any books should be propagated which
+the clergy would cry down; but if you mean by the clergy, some few
+designing factious men, who have it at heart to establish some favourite
+schemes at the price of the liberty of mankind, and the very essence of
+religion, it is not in the power of such persons to decry any book they
+please; witness that excellent book called, 'A Plain Account of the
+Nature and End of the Sacrament;' a book written (if I may venture on
+the expression) with the pen of an angel, and calculated to restore the
+true use of Christianity, and of that sacred institution; for what could
+tend more to the noble purposes of religion than frequent chearful
+meetings among the members of a society, in which they should, in the
+presence of one another, and in the service of the Supreme Being, make
+promises of being good, friendly, and benevolent to each other? Now,
+this excellent book was attacked by a party, but unsuccessfully." At
+these words Barnabas fell a-ringing with all the violence imaginable;
+upon which a servant attending, he bid him "bring a bill immediately;
+for that he was in company, for aught he knew, with the devil himself;
+and he expected to hear the Alcoran, the Leviathan, or Woolston
+commended, if he staid a few minutes longer." Adams desired, "as he was
+so much moved at his mentioning a book which he did without apprehending
+any possibility of offence, that he would be so kind to propose any
+objections he had to it, which he would endeavour to answer."--"I
+propose objections!" said Barnabas, "I never read a syllable in any such
+wicked book; I never saw it in my life, I assure you."--Adams was going
+to answer, when a most hideous uproar began in the inn. Mrs Tow-wouse,
+Mr Tow-wouse, and Betty, all lifting up their voices together; but Mrs
+Tow-wouse's voice, like a bass viol in a concert, was clearly and
+distinctly distinguished among the rest, and was heard to articulate the
+following sounds:--"O you damn'd villain! is this the return to all the
+care I have taken of your family? This the reward of my virtue? Is this
+the manner in which you behave to one who brought you a fortune, and
+preferred you to so many matches, all your betters? To abuse my bed, my
+own bed, with my own servant! but I'll maul the slut, I'll tear her
+nasty eyes out! Was ever such a pitiful dog, to take up with such a mean
+trollop? If she had been a gentlewoman, like myself, it had been some
+excuse; but a beggarly, saucy, dirty servant-maid. Get you out of my
+house, you whore." To which she added another name, which we do not care
+to stain our paper with. It was a monosyllable beginning with a b--, and
+indeed was the same as if she had pronounced the words, she-dog. Which
+term we shall, to avoid offence, use on this occasion, though indeed
+both the mistress and maid uttered the above-mentioned b--, a word
+extremely disgustful to females of the lower sort. Betty had borne all
+hitherto with patience, and had uttered only lamentations; but the last
+appellation stung her to the quick. "I am a woman as well as yourself,"
+she roared out, "and no she-dog; and if I have been a little naughty, I
+am not the first; if I have been no better than I should be," cries she,
+sobbing, "that's no reason you should call me out of my name; my
+be-betters are wo-rse than me."--"Huzzy, huzzy," says Mrs Tow-wouse,
+"have you the impudence to answer me? Did I not catch you, you
+saucy"--and then again repeated the terrible word so odious to female
+ears. "I can't bear that name," answered Betty: "if I have been wicked,
+I am to answer for it myself in the other world; but I have done nothing
+that's unnatural; and I will go out of your house this moment, for I
+will never be called she-dog by any mistress in England." Mrs Tow-wouse
+then armed herself with the spit, but was prevented from executing any
+dreadful purpose by Mr Adams, who confined her arms with the strength
+of a wrist which Hercules would not have been ashamed of. Mr Tow-wouse,
+being caught, as our lawyers express it, with the manner, and having no
+defence to make, very prudently withdrew himself; and Betty committed
+herself to the protection of the hostler, who, though she could not
+conceive him pleased with what had happened, was, in her opinion, rather
+a gentler beast than her mistress.
+
+Mrs Tow-wouse, at the intercession of Mr Adams, and finding the enemy
+vanished, began to compose herself, and at length recovered the usual
+serenity of her temper, in which we will leave her, to open to the
+reader the steps which led to a catastrophe, common enough, and comical
+enough too perhaps, in modern history, yet often fatal to the repose and
+well-being of families, and the subject of many tragedies, both in life
+and on the stage.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+_The history of Betty the chambermaid, and an account of what occasioned
+the violent scene in the preceding chapter._
+
+
+Betty, who was the occasion of all this hurry, had some good qualities.
+She had good-nature, generosity, and compassion, but unfortunately, her
+constitution was composed of those warm ingredients which, though the
+purity of courts or nunneries might have happily controuled them, were
+by no means able to endure the ticklish situation of a chambermaid at an
+inn; who is daily liable to the solicitations of lovers of all
+complexions; to the dangerous addresses of fine gentlemen of the army,
+who sometimes are obliged to reside with them a whole year together;
+and, above all, are exposed to the caresses of footmen, stage-coachmen,
+and drawers; all of whom employ the whole artillery of kissing,
+flattering, bribing, and every other weapon which is to be found in the
+whole armoury of love, against them.
+
+Betty, who was but one-and-twenty, had now lived three years in this
+dangerous situation, during which she had escaped pretty well. An ensign
+of foot was the first person who made an impression on her heart; he did
+indeed raise a flame in her which required the care of a surgeon
+to cool.
+
+While she burnt for him, several others burnt for her. Officers of the
+army, young gentlemen travelling the western circuit, inoffensive
+squires, and some of graver character, were set a-fire by her charms!
+
+At length, having perfectly recovered the effects of her first unhappy
+passion, she seemed to have vowed a state of perpetual chastity. She was
+long deaf to all the sufferings of her lovers, till one day, at a
+neighbouring fair, the rhetoric of John the hostler, with a new straw
+hat and a pint of wine, made a second conquest over her.
+
+She did not, however, feel any of those flames on this occasion which
+had been the consequence of her former amour; nor, indeed, those other
+ill effects which prudent young women very justly apprehend from too
+absolute an indulgence to the pressing endearments of their lovers. This
+latter, perhaps, was a little owing to her not being entirely constant
+to John, with whom she permitted Tom Whipwell the stage-coachman, and
+now and then a handsome young traveller, to share her favours.
+
+Mr Tow-wouse had for some time cast the languishing eyes of affection on
+this young maiden. He had laid hold on every opportunity of saying
+tender things to her, squeezing her by the hand, and sometimes kissing
+her lips; for, as the violence of his passion had considerably abated to
+Mrs Tow-wouse, so, like water, which is stopt from its usual current in
+one place, it naturally sought a vent in another. Mrs Tow-wouse is
+thought to have perceived this abatement, and, probably, it added very
+little to the natural sweetness of her temper; for though she was as
+true to her husband as the dial to the sun, she was rather more desirous
+of being shone on, as being more capable of feeling his warmth.
+
+Ever since Joseph's arrival, Betty had conceived an extraordinary liking
+to him, which discovered itself more and more as he grew better and
+better; till that fatal evening, when, as she was warming his bed, her
+passion grew to such a height, and so perfectly mastered both her
+modesty and her reason, that, after many fruitless hints and sly
+insinuations, she at last threw down the warming-pan, and, embracing him
+with great eagerness, swore he was the handsomest creature she had
+ever seen.
+
+Joseph, in great confusion, leapt from her, and told her he was sorry to
+see a young woman cast off all regard to modesty; but she had gone too
+far to recede, and grew so very indecent, that Joseph was obliged,
+contrary to his inclination, to use some violence to her; and, taking
+her in his arms, he shut her out of the room, and locked the door.
+
+How ought man to rejoice that his chastity is always in his own power;
+that, if he hath sufficient strength of mind, he hath always a competent
+strength of body to defend himself, and cannot, like a poor weak woman,
+be ravished against his will!
+
+Betty was in the most violent agitation at this disappointment. Rage and
+lust pulled her heart, as with two strings, two different ways; one
+moment she thought of stabbing Joseph; the next, of taking him in her
+arms, and devouring him with kisses; but the latter passion was far more
+prevalent. Then she thought of revenging his refusal on herself; but,
+whilst she was engaged in this meditation, happily death presented
+himself to her in so many shapes, of drowning, hanging, poisoning, &c.,
+that her distracted mind could resolve on none. In this perturbation of
+spirit, it accidentally occurred to her memory that her master's bed was
+not made; she therefore went directly to his room, where he happened at
+that time to be engaged at his bureau. As soon as she saw him, she
+attempted to retire; but he called her back, and, taking her by the
+hand, squeezed her so tenderly, at the same time whispering so many soft
+things into her ears, and then pressed her so closely with his kisses,
+that the vanquished fair one, whose passions were already raised, and
+which were not so whimsically capricious that one man only could lay
+them, though, perhaps, she would have rather preferred that one--the
+vanquished fair one quietly submitted, I say, to her master's will, who
+had just attained the accomplishment of his bliss when Mrs Tow-wouse
+unexpectedly entered the room, and caused all that confusion which we
+have before seen, and which it is not necessary, at present, to take any
+farther notice of; since, without the assistance of a single hint from
+us, every reader of any speculation or experience, though not married
+himself, may easily conjecture that it concluded with the discharge of
+Betty, the submission of Mr Tow-wouse, with some things to be performed
+on his side by way of gratitude for his wife's goodness in being
+reconciled to him, with many hearty promises never to offend any more in
+the like manner; and, lastly, his quietly and contentedly bearing to be
+reminded of his transgressions, as a kind of penance, once or twice a
+day during the residue of his life.
+
+
+
+
+BOOK II.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_Of Divisions in Authors_.
+
+
+There are certain mysteries or secrets in all trades, from the highest
+to the lowest, from that of prime-ministering to this of authoring,
+which are seldom discovered unless to members of the same calling. Among
+those used by us gentlemen of the latter occupation, I take this of
+dividing our works into books and chapters to be none of the least
+considerable. Now, for want of being truly acquainted with this secret,
+common readers imagine, that by this art of dividing we mean only to
+swell our works to a much larger bulk than they would otherwise be
+extended to. These several places therefore in our paper, which are
+filled with our books and chapters, are understood as so much buckram,
+stays, and stay-tape in a taylor's bill, serving only to make up the sum
+total, commonly found at the bottom of our first page and of his last.
+
+But in reality the case is otherwise, and in this as well as all other
+instances we consult the advantage of our reader, not our own; and
+indeed, many notable uses arise to him from this method; for, first,
+those little spaces between our chapters may be looked upon as an inn or
+resting-place where he may stop and take a glass or any other
+refreshment as it pleases him. Nay, our fine readers will, perhaps, be
+scarce able to travel farther than through one of them in a day. As to
+those vacant pages which are placed between our books, they are to be
+regarded as those stages where in long journies the traveller stays some
+time to repose himself, and consider of what he hath seen in the parts
+he hath already passed through; a consideration which I take the liberty
+to recommend a little to the reader; for, however swift his capacity may
+be, I would not advise him to travel through these pages too fast; for
+if he doth, he may probably miss the seeing some curious productions of
+nature, which will be observed by the slower and more accurate reader. A
+volume without any such places of rest resembles the opening of wilds or
+seas, which tires the eye and fatigues the spirit when entered upon.
+
+Secondly, what are the contents prefixed to every chapter but so many
+inscriptions over the gates of inns (to continue the same metaphor),
+informing the reader what entertainment he is to expect, which if he
+likes not, he may travel on to the next; for, in biography, as we are
+not tied down to an exact concatenation equally with other historians,
+so a chapter or two (for instance, this I am now writing) may be often
+passed over without any injury to the whole. And in these inscriptions I
+have been as faithful as possible, not imitating the celebrated
+Montaigne, who promises you one thing and gives you another; nor some
+title-page authors, who promise a great deal and produce nothing at all.
+
+There are, besides these more obvious benefits, several others which our
+readers enjoy from this art of dividing; though perhaps most of them too
+mysterious to be presently understood by any who are not initiated into
+the science of authoring. To mention, therefore, but one which is most
+obvious, it prevents spoiling the beauty of a book by turning down its
+leaves, a method otherwise necessary to those readers who (though they
+read with great improvement and advantage) are apt, when they return to
+their study after half-an-hour's absence, to forget where they left off.
+
+These divisions have the sanction of great antiquity. Homer not only
+divided his great work into twenty-four books (in compliment perhaps to
+the twenty-four letters to which he had very particular obligations),
+but, according to the opinion of some very sagacious critics, hawked
+them all separately, delivering only one book at a time (probably by
+subscription). He was the first inventor of the art which hath so long
+lain dormant, of publishing by numbers; an art now brought to such
+perfection, that even dictionaries are divided and exhibited piecemeal
+to the public; nay, one bookseller hath (to encourage learning and ease
+the public) contrived to give them a dictionary in this divided manner
+for only fifteen shillings more than it would have cost entire.
+
+Virgil hath given us his poem in twelve books, an argument of his
+modesty; for by that, doubtless, he would insinuate that he pretends to
+no more than half the merit of the Greek; for the same reason, our
+Milton went originally no farther than ten; till, being puffed up by the
+praise of his friends, he put himself on the same footing with the
+Roman poet.
+
+I shall not, however, enter so deep into this matter as some very
+learned criticks have done; who have with infinite labour and acute
+discernment discovered what books are proper for embellishment, and what
+require simplicity only, particularly with regard to similes, which I
+think are now generally agreed to become any book but the first.
+
+I will dismiss this chapter with the following observation: that it
+becomes an author generally to divide a book, as it does a butcher to
+joint his meat, for such assistance is of great help to both the reader
+and the carver. And now, having indulged myself a little, I will
+endeavour to indulge the curiosity of my reader, who is no doubt
+impatient to know what he will find in the subsequent chapters of
+this book.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_A surprizing instance of Mr Adams's short memory, with the unfortunate
+consequences which it brought on Joseph._
+
+
+Mr Adams and Joseph were now ready to depart different ways, when an
+accident determined the former to return with his friend, which
+Tow-wouse, Barnabas, and the bookseller had not been able to do. This
+accident was, that those sermons, which the parson was travelling to
+London to publish, were, O my good reader! left behind; what he had
+mistaken for them in the saddlebags being no other than three shirts, a
+pair of shoes, and some other necessaries, which Mrs Adams, who thought
+her husband would want shirts more than sermons on his journey, had
+carefully provided him.
+
+This discovery was now luckily owing to the presence of Joseph at the
+opening the saddlebags; who, having heard his friend say he carried with
+him nine volumes of sermons, and not being of that sect of philosophers
+who can reduce all the matter of the world into a nutshell, seeing there
+was no room for them in the bags, where the parson had said they were
+deposited, had the curiosity to cry out, "Bless me, sir, where are your
+sermons?" The parson answered, "There, there, child; there they are,
+under my shirts." Now it happened that he had taken forth his last
+shirt, and the vehicle remained visibly empty. "Sure, sir," says
+Joseph, "there is nothing in the bags." Upon which Adams, starting, and
+testifying some surprize, cried, "Hey! fie, fie upon it! they are not
+here sure enough. Ay, they are certainly left behind."
+
+Joseph was greatly concerned at the uneasiness which he apprehended his
+friend must feel from this disappointment; he begged him to pursue his
+journey, and promised he would himself return with the books to him with
+the utmost expedition. "No, thank you, child," answered Adams; "it shall
+not be so. What would it avail me, to tarry in the great city, unless I
+had my discourses with me, which are _ut ita dicam_, the sole cause, the
+_aitia monotate_ of my peregrination? No, child, as this accident hath
+happened, I am resolved to return back to my cure, together with you;
+which indeed my inclination sufficiently leads me to. This
+disappointment may perhaps be intended for my good." He concluded with a
+verse out of Theocritus, which signifies no more than that sometimes it
+rains, and sometimes the sun shines.
+
+Joseph bowed with obedience and thankfulness for the inclination which
+the parson expressed of returning with him; and now the bill was called
+for, which, on examination, amounted within a shilling to the sum Mr
+Adams had in his pocket. Perhaps the reader may wonder how he was able
+to produce a sufficient sum for so many days: that he may not be
+surprized, therefore, it cannot be unnecessary to acquaint him that he
+had borrowed a guinea of a servant belonging to the coach and six, who
+had been formerly one of his parishioners, and whose master, the owner
+of the coach, then lived within three miles of him; for so good was the
+credit of Mr Adams, that even Mr Peter, the Lady Booby's steward, would
+have lent him a guinea with very little security.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr Adams discharged the bill, and they were both setting out, having
+agreed to ride and tie; a method of travelling much used by persons who
+have but one horse between them, and is thus performed. The two
+travellers set out together, one on horseback, the other on foot: now,
+as it generally happens that he on horseback outgoes him on foot, the
+custom is, that, when he arrives at the distance agreed on, he is to
+dismount, tie the horse to some gate, tree, post, or other thing, and
+then proceed on foot; when the other comes up to the horse he unties
+him, mounts, and gallops on, till, having passed by his
+fellow-traveller, he likewise arrives at the place of tying. And this is
+that method of travelling so much in use among our prudent ancestors,
+who knew that horses had mouths as well as legs, and that they could not
+use the latter without being at the expense of suffering the beasts
+themselves to use the former. This was the method in use in those days
+when, instead of a coach and six, a member of parliament's lady used to
+mount a pillion behind her husband; and a grave serjeant at law
+condescended to amble to Westminster on an easy pad, with his clerk
+kicking his heels behind him.
+
+Adams was now gone some minutes, having insisted on Joseph's beginning
+the journey on horseback, and Joseph had his foot in the stirrup, when
+the hostler presented him a bill for the horse's board during his
+residence at the inn. Joseph said Mr Adams had paid all; but this
+matter, being referred to Mr Tow-wouse, was by him decided in favour of
+the hostler, and indeed with truth and justice; for this was a fresh
+instance of that shortness of memory which did not arise from want of
+parts, but that continual hurry in which parson Adams was
+always involved.
+
+Joseph was now reduced to a dilemma which extremely puzzled him. The sum
+due for horse-meat was twelve shillings (for Adams, who had borrowed the
+beast of his clerk, had ordered him to be fed as well as they could
+feed him), and the cash in his pocket amounted to sixpence (for Adams
+had divided the last shilling with him). Now, though there have been
+some ingenious persons who have contrived to pay twelve shillings with
+sixpence, Joseph was not one of them. He had never contracted a debt in
+his life, and was consequently the less ready at an expedient to
+extricate himself. Tow-wouse was willing to give him credit till next
+time, to which Mrs Tow-wouse would probably have consented (for such was
+Joseph's beauty, that it had made some impression even on that piece of
+flint which that good woman wore in her bosom by way of heart). Joseph
+would have found, therefore, very likely the passage free, had he not,
+when he honestly discovered the nakedness of his pockets, pulled out
+that little piece of gold which we have mentioned before. This caused
+Mrs Tow-wouse's eyes to water; she told Joseph she did not conceive a
+man could want money whilst he had gold in his pocket. Joseph answered
+he had such a value for that little piece of gold, that he would not
+part with it for a hundred times the riches which the greatest esquire
+in the county was worth. "A pretty way, indeed," said Mrs Tow-wouse, "to
+run in debt, and then refuse to part with your money, because you have a
+value for it! I never knew any piece of gold of more value than as many
+shillings as it would change for."--"Not to preserve my life from
+starving, nor to redeem it from a robber, would I part with this dear
+piece!" answered Joseph. "What," says Mrs Tow-wouse, "I suppose it was
+given you by some vile trollop, some miss or other; if it had been the
+present of a virtuous woman, you would not have had such a value for it.
+My husband is a fool if he parts with the horse without being paid for
+him."--"No, no, I can't part with the horse, indeed, till I have the
+money," cried Tow-wouse. A resolution highly commended by a lawyer then
+in the yard, who declared Mr Tow-wouse might justify the detainer.
+
+As we cannot therefore at present get Mr Joseph out of the inn, we shall
+leave him in it, and carry our reader on after parson Adams, who, his
+mind being perfectly at ease, fell into a contemplation on a passage in
+Aeschylus, which entertained him for three miles together, without
+suffering him once to reflect on his fellow-traveller.
+
+At length, having spun out his thread, and being now at the summit of a
+hill, he cast his eyes backwards, and wondered that he could not see any
+sign of Joseph. As he left him ready to mount the horse, he could not
+apprehend any mischief had happened, neither could he suspect that he
+missed his way, it being so broad and plain; the only reason which
+presented itself to him was, that he had met with an acquaintance who
+had prevailed with him to delay some time in discourse.
+
+He therefore resolved to proceed slowly forwards, not doubting but that
+he should be shortly overtaken; and soon came to a large water, which,
+filling the whole road, he saw no method of passing unless by wading
+through, which he accordingly did up to his middle; but was no sooner
+got to the other side than he perceived, if he had looked over the
+hedge, he would have found a footpath capable of conducting him without
+wetting his shoes.
+
+His surprize at Joseph's not coming up grew now very troublesome: he
+began to fear he knew not what; and as he determined to move no farther,
+and, if he did not shortly overtake him, to return back, he wished to
+find a house of public entertainment where he might dry his clothes and
+refresh himself with a pint; but, seeing no such (for no other reason
+than because he did not cast his eyes a hundred yards forwards), he sat
+himself down on a stile, and pulled out his Aeschylus.
+
+A fellow passing presently by, Adams asked him if he could direct him
+to an alehouse. The fellow, who had just left it, and perceived the
+house and sign to be within sight, thinking he had jeered him, and being
+of a morose temper, bade him follow his nose and be d---n'd. Adams told
+him he was a saucy jackanapes; upon which the fellow turned about
+angrily; but, perceiving Adams clench his fist, he thought proper to go
+on without taking any farther notice.
+
+A horseman, following immediately after, and being asked the same
+question, answered, "Friend, there is one within a stone's throw; I
+believe you may see it before you." Adams, lifting up his eyes, cried,
+"I protest, and so there is;" and, thanking his informer, proceeded
+directly to it.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+_The opinion of two lawyers concerning the same gentleman, with Mr
+Adams's inquiry into the religion of his host._
+
+
+He had just entered the house, and called for his pint, and seated
+himself, when two horsemen came to the door, and, fastening their horses
+to the rails, alighted. They said there was a violent shower of rain
+coming on, which they intended to weather there, and went into a little
+room by themselves, not perceiving Mr Adams.
+
+One of these immediately asked the other, "If he had seen a more comical
+adventure a great while?" Upon which the other said, "He doubted
+whether, by law, the landlord could justify detaining the horse for his
+corn and hay." But the former answered, "Undoubtedly he can; it is an
+adjudged case, and I have known it tried."
+
+Adams, who, though he was, as the reader may suspect, a little inclined
+to forgetfulness, never wanted more than a hint to remind him,
+overhearing their discourse, immediately suggested to himself that this
+was his own horse, and that he had forgot to pay for him, which, upon
+inquiry, he was certified of by the gentlemen; who added, that the horse
+was likely to have more rest than food, unless he was paid for.
+
+The poor parson resolved to return presently to the inn, though he knew
+no more than Joseph how to procure his horse his liberty; he was,
+however, prevailed on to stay under covert, till the shower, which was
+now very violent, was over.
+
+The three travellers then sat down together over a mug of good beer;
+when Adams, who had observed a gentleman's house as he passed along the
+road, inquired to whom it belonged; one of the horsemen had no sooner
+mentioned the owner's name, than the other began to revile him in the
+most opprobrious terms. The English language scarce affords a single
+reproachful word, which he did not vent on this occasion. He charged him
+likewise with many particular facts. He said, "He no more regarded a
+field of wheat when he was hunting, than he did the highway; that he had
+injured several poor farmers by trampling their corn under his horse's
+heels; and if any of them begged him with the utmost submission to
+refrain, his horsewhip was always ready to do them justice." He said,
+"That he was the greatest tyrant to the neighbours in every other
+instance, and would not suffer a farmer to keep a gun, though he might
+justify it by law; and in his own family so cruel a master, that he
+never kept a servant a twelvemonth. In his capacity as a justice,"
+continued he, "he behaves so partially, that he commits or acquits just
+as he is in the humour, without any regard to truth or evidence; the
+devil may carry any one before him for me; I would rather be tried
+before some judges, than be a prosecutor before him: if I had an estate
+in the neighbourhood, I would sell it for half the value rather than
+live near him."
+
+Adams shook his head, and said, "He was sorry such men were suffered to
+proceed with impunity, and that riches could set any man above the law."
+The reviler, a little after, retiring into the yard, the gentleman who
+had first mentioned his name to Adams began to assure him "that his
+companion was a prejudiced person. It is true," says he, "perhaps, that
+he may have sometimes pursued his game over a field of corn, but he hath
+always made the party ample satisfaction: that so far from tyrannising
+over his neighbours, or taking away their guns, he himself knew several
+farmers not qualified, who not only kept guns, but killed game with
+them; that he was the best of masters to his servants, and several of
+them had grown old in his service; that he was the best justice of peace
+in the kingdom, and, to his certain knowledge, had decided many
+difficult points, which were referred to him, with the greatest equity
+and the highest wisdom; and he verily believed, several persons would
+give a year's purchase more for an estate near him, than under the wings
+of any other great man." He had just finished his encomium when his
+companion returned and acquainted him the storm was over. Upon which
+they presently mounted their horses and departed.
+
+Adams, who was in the utmost anxiety at those different characters of
+the same person, asked his host if he knew the gentleman: for he began
+to imagine they had by mistake been speaking of two several gentlemen.
+"No, no, master," answered the host (a shrewd, cunning fellow); "I know
+the gentleman very well of whom they have been speaking, as I do the
+gentlemen who spoke of him. As for riding over other men's corn, to my
+knowledge he hath not been on horseback these two years. I never heard
+he did any injury of that kind; and as to making reparation, he is not
+so free of his money as that comes to neither. Nor did I ever hear of
+his taking away any man's gun; nay, I know several who have guns in
+their houses; but as for killing game with them, no man is stricter; and
+I believe he would ruin any who did. You heard one of the gentlemen say
+he was the worst master in the world, and the other that he is the best;
+but for my own part, I know all his servants, and never heard from any
+of them that he was either one or the other."--"Aye! aye!" says Adams;
+"and how doth he behave as a justice, pray?"--"Faith, friend," answered
+the host, "I question whether he is in the commission; the only cause I
+have heard he hath decided a great while, was one between those very two
+persons who just went out of this house; and I am sure he determined
+that justly, for I heard the whole matter."--"Which did He decide it in
+favour of?" quoth Adams.--"I think I need not answer that question,"
+cried the host, "after the different characters you have heard of him.
+It is not my business to contradict gentlemen while they are drinking in
+my house; but I knew neither of them spoke a syllable of truth."--"God
+forbid!" said Adams, "that men should arrive at such a pitch of
+wickedness to belye the character of their neighbour from a little
+private affection, or, what is infinitely worse, a private spite. I
+rather believe we have mistaken them, and they mean two other persons;
+for there are many houses on the road."--"Why, prithee, friend," cries
+the host, "dost thou pretend never to have told a lye in thy
+life?"--"Never a malicious one, I am certain," answered Adams, "nor with
+a design to injure the reputation of any man living."--"Pugh! malicious;
+no, no," replied the host; "not malicious with a design to hang a man,
+or bring him into trouble; but surely, out of love to oneself, one must
+speak better of a friend than an enemy."--"Out of love to yourself, you
+should confine yourself to truth," says Adams, "for by doing otherwise
+you injure the noblest part of yourself, your immortal soul. I can
+hardly believe any man such an idiot to risque the loss of that by any
+trifling gain, and the greatest gain in this world is but dirt in
+comparison of what shall be revealed hereafter." Upon which the host,
+taking up the cup, with a smile, drank a health to hereafter; adding,
+"He was for something present."--"Why," says Adams very gravely, "do not
+you believe another world?" To which the host answered, "Yes; he was no
+atheist."--"And you believe you have an immortal soul?" cries Adams. He
+answered, "God forbid he should not."--"And heaven and hell?" said the
+parson. The host then bid him "not to profane; for those were things not
+to be mentioned nor thought of but in church." Adams asked him, "Why he
+went to church, if what he learned there had no influence on his conduct
+in life?" "I go to church," answered the host, "to say my prayers and
+behave godly."--"And dost not thou," cried Adams, "believe what thou
+hearest at church?"--"Most part of it, master," returned the host. "And
+dost not thou then tremble," cries Adams, "at the thought of eternal
+punishment?"--"As for that, master," said he, "I never once thought
+about it; but what signifies talking about matters so far off? The mug
+is out, shall I draw another?"
+
+Whilst he was going for that purpose, a stage-coach drove up to the
+door. The coachman coming into the house was asked by the mistress what
+passengers he had in his coach? "A parcel of squinny-gut b--s," says he;
+"I have a good mind to overturn them; you won't prevail upon them to
+drink anything, I assure you." Adams asked him, "If he had not seen a
+young man on horseback on the road" (describing Joseph). "Aye," said
+the coachman, "a gentlewoman in my coach that is his acquaintance
+redeemed him and his horse; he would have been here before this time,
+had not the storm driven him to shelter." "God bless her!" said Adams,
+in a rapture; nor could he delay walking out to satisfy himself who this
+charitable woman was; but what was his surprize when he saw his old
+acquaintance, Madam Slipslop? Hers indeed was not so great, because she
+had been informed by Joseph that he was on the road. Very civil were the
+salutations on both sides; and Mrs Slipslop rebuked the hostess for
+denying the gentleman to be there when she asked for him; but indeed the
+poor woman had not erred designedly; for Mrs Slipslop asked for a
+clergyman, and she had unhappily mistaken Adams for a person travelling
+to a neighbouring fair with the thimble and button, or some other such
+operation; for he marched in a swinging great but short white coat with
+black buttons, a short wig, and a hat which, so far from having a black
+hatband, had nothing black about it.
+
+Joseph was now come up, and Mrs Slipslop would have had him quit his
+horse to the parson, and come himself into the coach; but he absolutely
+refused, saying, he thanked Heaven he was well enough recovered to be
+very able to ride; and added, he hoped he knew his duty better than to
+ride in a coach while Mr Adams was on horseback.
+
+Mrs Slipslop would have persisted longer, had not a lady in the coach
+put a short end to the dispute, by refusing to suffer a fellow in a
+livery to ride in the same coach with herself; so it was at length
+agreed that Adams should fill the vacant place in the coach, and Joseph
+should proceed on horseback.
+
+They had not proceeded far before Mrs Slipslop, addressing herself to
+the parson, spoke thus:--"There hath been a strange alteration in our
+family, Mr Adams, since Sir Thomas's death." "A strange alteration
+indeed," says Adams, "as I gather from some hints which have dropped
+from Joseph."--"Aye," says she, "I could never have believed it; but the
+longer one lives in the world, the more one sees. So Joseph hath given
+you hints." "But of what nature will always remain a perfect secret with
+me," cries the parson: "he forced me to promise before he would
+communicate anything. I am indeed concerned to find her ladyship behave
+in so unbecoming a manner. I always thought her in the main a good lady,
+and should never have suspected her of thoughts so unworthy a Christian,
+and with a young lad her own servant." "These things are no secrets to
+me, I assure you," cries Slipslop, "and I believe they will be none
+anywhere shortly; for ever since the boy's departure, she hath behaved
+more like a mad woman than anything else." "Truly, I am heartily
+concerned," says Adams, "for she was a good sort of a lady. Indeed, I
+have often wished she had attended a little more constantly at the
+service, but she hath done a great deal of good in the parish." "O Mr
+Adams," says Slipslop, "people that don't see all, often know nothing.
+Many things have been given away in our family, I do assure you, without
+her knowledge. I have heard you say in the pulpit we ought not to brag;
+but indeed I can't avoid saying, if she had kept the keys herself, the
+poor would have wanted many a cordial which I have let them have. As for
+my late master, he was as worthy a man as ever lived, and would have
+done infinite good if he had not been controlled; but he loved a quiet
+life, Heaven rest his soul! I am confident he is there, and enjoys a
+quiet life, which some folks would not allow him here."--Adams answered,
+"He had never heard this before, and was mistaken if she herself (for he
+remembered she used to commend her mistress and blame her master) had
+not formerly been of another opinion." "I don't know," replied she,
+"what I might once think; but now I am confidous matters are as I tell
+you; the world will shortly see who hath been deceived; for my part, I
+say nothing, but that it is wondersome how some people can carry all
+things with a grave face."
+
+Thus Mr Adams and she discoursed, till they came opposite to a great
+house which stood at some distance from the road: a lady in the coach,
+spying it, cried, "Yonder lives the unfortunate Leonora, if one can
+justly call a woman unfortunate whom we must own at the same time guilty
+and the author of her own calamity." This was abundantly sufficient to
+awaken the curiosity of Mr Adams, as indeed it did that of the whole
+company, who jointly solicited the lady to acquaint them with Leonora's
+history, since it seemed, by what she had said, to contain something
+remarkable.
+
+The lady, who was perfectly well-bred, did not require many entreaties,
+and having only wished their entertainment might make amends for the
+company's attention, she began in the following manner.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+_The history of Leonora, or the unfortunate jilt._
+
+
+Leonora was the daughter of a gentleman of fortune; she was tall and
+well-shaped, with a sprightliness in her countenance which often
+attracts beyond more regular features joined with an insipid air: nor is
+this kind of beauty less apt to deceive than allure; the good humour
+which it indicates being often mistaken for good nature, and the
+vivacity for true understanding.
+
+Leonora, who was now at the age of eighteen, lived with an aunt of hers
+in a town in the north of England. She was an extreme lover of gaiety,
+and very rarely missed a ball or any other public assembly; where she
+had frequent opportunities of satisfying a greedy appetite of vanity,
+with the preference which was given her by the men to almost every other
+woman present.
+
+Among many young fellows who were particular in their gallantries
+towards her, Horatio soon distinguished himself in her eyes beyond all
+his competitors; she danced with more than ordinary gaiety when he
+happened to be her partner; neither the fairness of the evening, nor the
+musick of the nightingale, could lengthen her walk like his company. She
+affected no longer to understand the civilities of others; whilst she
+inclined so attentive an ear to every compliment of Horatio, that she
+often smiled even when it was too delicate for her comprehension.
+
+"Pray, madam," says Adams, "who was this squire Horatio?"
+
+Horatio, says the lady, was a young gentleman of a good family, bred to
+the law, and had been some few years called to the degree of a
+barrister. His face and person were such as the generality allowed
+handsome; but he had a dignity in his air very rarely to be seen. His
+temper was of the saturnine complexion, and without the least taint of
+moroseness. He had wit and humour, with an inclination to satire, which
+he indulged rather too much.
+
+This gentleman, who had contracted the most violent passion for Leonora,
+was the last person who perceived the probability of its success. The
+whole town had made the match for him before he himself had drawn a
+confidence from her actions sufficient to mention his passion to her;
+for it was his opinion (and perhaps he was there in the right) that it
+is highly impolitick to talk seriously of love to a woman before you
+have made such a progress in her affections, that she herself expects
+and desires to hear it.
+
+But whatever diffidence the fears of a lover may create, which are apt
+to magnify every favour conferred on a rival, and to see the little
+advances towards themselves through the other end of the perspective, it
+was impossible that Horatio's passion should so blind his discernment as
+to prevent his conceiving hopes from the behaviour of Leonora, whose
+fondness for him was now as visible to an indifferent person in their
+company as his for her.
+
+"I never knew any of these forward sluts come to good" (says the lady
+who refused Joseph's entrance into the coach), "nor shall I wonder at
+anything she doth in the sequel."
+
+The lady proceeded in her story thus: It was in the midst of a gay
+conversation in the walks one evening, when Horatio whispered Leonora,
+that he was desirous to take a turn or two with her in private, for that
+he had something to communicate to her of great consequence. "Are you
+sure it is of consequence?" said she, smiling. "I hope," answered he,
+"you will think so too, since the whole future happiness of my life must
+depend on the event."
+
+Leonora, who very much suspected what was coming, would have deferred it
+till another time; but Horatio, who had more than half conquered the
+difficulty of speaking by the first motion, was so very importunate,
+that she at last yielded, and, leaving the rest of the company, they
+turned aside into an unfrequented walk.
+
+They had retired far out of the sight of the company, both maintaining a
+strict silence. At last Horatio made a full stop, and taking Leonora,
+who stood pale and trembling, gently by the hand, he fetched a deep
+sigh, and then, looking on her eyes with all the tenderness imaginable,
+he cried out in a faltering accent, "O Leonora! is it necessary for me
+to declare to you on what the future happiness of my life must be
+founded? Must I say there is something belonging to you which is a bar
+to my happiness, and which unless you will part with, I must be
+miserable!"--"What can that be?" replied Leonora. "No wonder," said he,
+"you are surprized that I should make an objection to anything which is
+yours: yet sure you may guess, since it is the only one which the riches
+of the world, if they were mine, should purchase for me. Oh, it is that
+which you must part with to bestow all the rest! Can Leonora, or rather
+will she, doubt longer? Let me then whisper it in her ears--It is your
+name, madam. It is by parting with that, by your condescension to be for
+ever mine, which must at once prevent me from being the most miserable,
+and will render me the happiest of mankind."
+
+Leonora, covered with blushes, and with as angry a look as she could
+possibly put on, told him, "That had she suspected what his declaration
+would have been, he should not have decoyed her from her company, that
+he had so surprized and frighted her, that she begged him to convey her
+back as quick as possible;" which he, trembling very near as much as
+herself, did.
+
+"More fool he," cried Slipslop; "it is a sign he knew very little of our
+sect."--"Truly, madam," said Adams, "I think you are in the right: I
+should have insisted to know a piece of her mind, when I had carried
+matters so far." But Mrs Grave-airs desired the lady to omit all such
+fulsome stuff in her story, for that it made her sick.
+
+Well then, madam, to be as concise as possible, said the lady, many
+weeks had not passed after this interview before Horatio and Leonora
+were what they call on a good footing together. All ceremonies except
+the last were now over; the writings were now drawn, and everything was
+in the utmost forwardness preparative to the putting Horatio in
+possession of all his wishes. I will, if you please, repeat you a letter
+from each of them, which I have got by heart, and which will give you no
+small idea of their passion on both sides.
+
+Mrs Grave-airs objected to hearing these letters; but being put to the
+vote, it was carried against her by all the rest in the coach; parson
+Adams contending for it with the utmost vehemence.
+
+HORATIO TO LEONORA.
+
+"How vain, most adorable creature, is the pursuit of pleasure in the
+absence of an object to which the mind is entirely devoted, unless it
+have some relation to that object! I was last night condemned to the
+society of men of wit and learning, which, however agreeable it might
+have formerly been to me, now only gave me a suspicion that they imputed
+my absence in conversation to the true cause. For which reason, when
+your engagements forbid me the ecstatic happiness of seeing you, I am
+always desirous to be alone; since my sentiments for Leonora are so
+delicate, that I cannot bear the apprehension of another's prying into
+those delightful endearments with which the warm imagination of a lover
+will sometimes indulge him, and which I suspect my eyes then betray. To
+fear this discovery of our thoughts may perhaps appear too ridiculous a
+nicety to minds not susceptible of all the tendernesses of this delicate
+passion. And surely we shall suspect there are few such, when we
+consider that it requires every human virtue to exert itself in its full
+extent; since the beloved, whose happiness it ultimately respects, may
+give us charming opportunities of being brave in her defence, generous
+to her wants, compassionate to her afflictions, grateful to her
+kindness; and in the same manner, of exercising every other virtue,
+which he who would not do to any degree, and that with the utmost
+rapture, can never deserve the name of a lover. It is, therefore, with a
+view to the delicate modesty of your mind that I cultivate it so purely
+in my own; and it is that which will sufficiently suggest to you the
+uneasiness I bear from those liberties, which men to whom the world
+allow politeness will sometimes give themselves on these occasions.
+
+"Can I tell you with what eagerness I expect the arrival of that blest
+day, when I shall experience the falsehood of a common assertion, that
+the greatest human happiness consists in hope? A doctrine which no
+person had ever stronger reason to believe than myself at present, since
+none ever tasted such bliss as fires my bosom with the thoughts of
+spending my future days with such a companion, and that every action of
+my life will have the glorious satisfaction of conducing to your
+happiness."
+
+LEONORA TO HORATIO.[A]
+
+[A] This letter was written by a young lady on reading the former.
+
+"The refinement of your mind has been so evidently proved by every word
+and action ever since I had the first pleasure of knowing you, that I
+thought it impossible my good opinion of Horatio could have been
+heightened to any additional proof of merit. This very thought was my
+amusement when I received your last letter, which, when I opened, I
+confess I was surprized to find the delicate sentiments expressed there
+so far exceeding what I thought could come even from you (although I
+know all the generous principles human nature is capable of are centred
+in your breast), that words cannot paint what I feel on the reflection
+that my happiness shall be the ultimate end of all your actions.
+
+"Oh, Horatio! what a life must that be, where the meanest domestic cares
+are sweetened by the pleasing consideration that the man on earth who
+best deserves, and to whom you are most inclined to give your
+affections, is to reap either profit or pleasure from all you do! In
+such a case toils must be turned into diversions, and nothing but the
+unavoidable inconveniences of life can make us remember that we
+are mortal.
+
+"If the solitary turn of your thoughts, and the desire of keeping them
+undiscovered, makes even the conversation of men of wit and learning
+tedious to you, what anxious hours must I spend, who am condemned by
+custom to the conversation of women, whose natural curiosity leads them
+to pry into all my thoughts, and whose envy can never suffer Horatio's
+heart to be possessed by any one, without forcing them into malicious
+designs against the person who is so happy as to possess it! But,
+indeed, if ever envy can possibly have any excuse, or even alleviation,
+it is in this case, where the good is so great, and it must be equally
+natural to all to wish it for themselves; nor am I ashamed to own it:
+and to your merit, Horatio, I am obliged, that prevents my being in that
+most uneasy of all the situations I can figure in my imagination, of
+being led by inclination to love the person whom my own judgment forces
+me to condemn."
+
+Matters were in so great forwardness between this fond couple, that the
+day was fixed for their marriage, and was now within a fortnight, when
+the sessions chanced to be held for that county in a town about twenty
+miles' distance from that which is the scene of our story. It seems, it
+is usual for the young gentlemen of the bar to repair to these sessions,
+not so much for the sake of profit as to show their parts and learn the
+law of the justices of peace; for which purpose one of the wisest and
+gravest of all the justices is appointed speaker, or chairman, as they
+modestly call it, and he reads them a lecture, and instructs them in the
+true knowledge of the law.
+
+"You are here guilty of a little mistake," says Adams, "which, if you
+please, I will correct: I have attended at one of these
+quarter-sessions, where I observed the counsel taught the justices,
+instead of learning anything of them."
+
+It is not very material, said the lady. Hither repaired Horatio, who, as
+he hoped by his profession to advance his fortune, which was not at
+present very large, for the sake of his dear Leonora, he resolved to
+spare no pains, nor lose any opportunity of improving or advancing
+himself in it.
+
+The same afternoon in which he left the town, as Leonora stood at her
+window, a coach and six passed by, which she declared to be the
+completest, genteelest, prettiest equipage she ever saw; adding these
+remarkable words, "Oh, I am in love with that equipage!" which, though
+her friend Florella at that time did not greatly regard, she hath since
+remembered.
+
+In the evening an assembly was held, which Leonora honoured with her
+company; but intended to pay her dear Horatio the compliment of refusing
+to dance in his absence.
+
+Oh, why have not women as good resolution to maintain their vows as they
+have often good inclinations in making them!
+
+The gentleman who owned the coach and six came to the assembly. His
+clothes were as remarkably fine as his equipage could be. He soon
+attracted the eyes of the company; all the smarts, all the silk
+waistcoats with silver and gold edgings, were eclipsed in an instant.
+
+"Madam," said Adams, "if it be not impertinent, I should be glad to know
+how this gentleman was drest."
+
+Sir, answered the lady, I have been told he had on a cut velvet coat of
+a cinnamon colour, lined with a pink satten, embroidered all over with
+gold; his waistcoat, which was cloth of silver, was embroidered with
+gold likewise. I cannot be particular as to the rest of his dress; but
+it was all in the French fashion, for Bellarmine (that was his name) was
+just arrived from Paris.
+
+This fine figure did not more entirely engage the eyes of every lady in
+the assembly than Leonora did his. He had scarce beheld her, but he
+stood motionless and fixed as a statue, or at least would have done so
+if good breeding had permitted him. However, he carried it so far before
+he had power to correct himself, that every person in the room easily
+discovered where his admiration was settled. The other ladies began to
+single out their former partners, all perceiving who would be
+Bellarmine's choice; which they however endeavoured, by all possible
+means, to prevent: many of them saying to Leonora, "O madam! I suppose
+we shan't have the pleasure of seeing you dance to-night;" and then
+crying out, in Bellarmine's hearing, "Oh! Leonora will not dance, I
+assure you: her partner is not here." One maliciously attempted to
+prevent her, by sending a disagreeable fellow to ask her, that so she
+might be obliged either to dance with him, or sit down; but this scheme
+proved abortive.
+
+Leonora saw herself admired by the fine stranger, and envied by every
+woman present. Her little heart began to flutter within her, and her
+head was agitated with a convulsive motion: she seemed as if she would
+speak to several of her acquaintance, but had nothing to say; for, as
+she would not mention her present triumph, so she could not disengage
+her thoughts one moment from the contemplation of it. She had never
+tasted anything like this happiness. She had before known what it was to
+torment a single woman; but to be hated and secretly cursed by a whole
+assembly was a joy reserved for this blessed moment. As this vast
+profusion of ecstasy had confounded her understanding, so there was
+nothing so foolish as her behaviour: she played a thousand childish
+tricks, distorted her person into several shapes, and her face into
+several laughs, without any reason. In a word, her carriage was as
+absurd as her desires, which were to affect an insensibility of the
+stranger's admiration, and at the same time a triumph, from that
+admiration, over every woman in the room.
+
+In this temper of mind, Bellarmine, having inquired who she was,
+advanced to her, and with a low bow begged the honour of dancing with
+her, which she, with as low a curtesy, immediately granted. She danced
+with him all night, and enjoyed, perhaps, the highest pleasure that she
+was capable of feeling.
+
+At these words, Adams fetched a deep groan, which frighted the ladies,
+who told him, "They hoped he was not ill." He answered, "He groaned only
+for the folly of Leonora."
+
+Leonora retired (continued the lady) about six in the morning, but not
+to rest. She tumbled and tossed in her bed, with very short intervals of
+sleep, and those entirely filled with dreams of the equipage and fine
+clothes she had seen, and the balls, operas, and ridottos, which had
+been the subject of their conversation.
+
+In the afternoon, Bellarmine, in the dear coach and six, came to wait on
+her. He was indeed charmed with her person, and was, on inquiry, so well
+pleased with the circumstances of her father (for he himself,
+notwithstanding all his finery, was not quite so rich as a Croesus or
+an Attalus).--"Attalus," says Mr. Adams: "but pray how came you
+acquainted with these names?" The lady smiled at the question, and
+proceeded. He was so pleased, I say, that he resolved to make his
+addresses to her directly. He did so accordingly, and that with so much
+warmth and briskness, that he quickly baffled her weak repulses, and
+obliged the lady to refer him to her father, who, she knew, would
+quickly declare in favour of a coach and six.
+
+Thus what Horatio had by sighs and tears, love and tenderness, been so
+long obtaining, the French-English Bellarmine with gaiety and gallantry
+possessed himself of in an instant. In other words, what modesty had
+employed a full year in raising, impudence demolished in
+twenty-four hours.
+
+Here Adams groaned a second time; but the ladies, who began to smoke
+him, took no notice.
+
+From the opening of the assembly till the end of Bellarmine's visit,
+Leonora had scarce once thought of Horatio; but he now began, though an
+unwelcome guest, to enter into her mind. She wished she had seen the
+charming Bellarmine and his charming equipage before matters had gone so
+far. "Yet why," says she, "should I wish to have seen him before; or
+what signifies it that I have seen him now? Is not Horatio my lover,
+almost my husband? Is he not as handsome, nay handsomer than Bellarmine?
+Aye, but Bellarmine is the genteeler, and the finer man; yes, that he
+must be allowed. Yes, yes, he is that certainly. But did not I, no
+longer ago than yesterday, love Horatio more than all the world? Aye,
+but yesterday I had not seen Bellarmine. But doth not Horatio doat on
+me, and may he not in despair break his heart if I abandon him? Well,
+and hath not Bellarmine a heart to break too? Yes, but I promised
+Horatio first; but that was poor Bellarmine's misfortune; if I had seen
+him first, I should certainly have preferred him. Did not the dear
+creature prefer me to every woman in the assembly, when every she was
+laying out for him? When was it in Horatio's power to give me such an
+instance of affection? Can he give me an equipage, or any of those
+things which Bellarmine will make me mistress of? How vast is the
+difference between being the wife of a poor counsellor and the wife of
+one of Bellarmine's fortune! If I marry Horatio, I shall triumph over no
+more than one rival; but by marrying Bellarmine, I shall be the envy of
+all my acquaintance. What happiness! But can I suffer Horatio to die?
+for he hath sworn he cannot survive my loss: but perhaps he may not die:
+if he should, can I prevent it? Must I sacrifice myself to him? besides,
+Bellarmine may be as miserable for me too." She was thus arguing with
+herself, when some young ladies called her to the walks, and a little
+relieved her anxiety for the present.
+
+The next morning Bellarmine breakfasted with her in presence of her
+aunt, whom he sufficiently informed of his passion for Leonora. He was
+no sooner withdrawn than the old lady began to advise her niece on this
+occasion. "You see, child," says she, "what fortune hath thrown in your
+way; and I hope you will not withstand your own preferment." Leonora,
+sighing, begged her not to mention any such thing, when she knew her
+engagements to Horatio. "Engagements to a fig!" cried the aunt; "you
+should thank Heaven on your knees that you have it yet in your power to
+break them. Will any woman hesitate a moment whether she shall ride in a
+coach or walk on foot all the days of her life? But Bellarmine drives
+six, and Horatio not even a pair."--"Yes, but, madam, what will the
+world say?" answered Leonora: "will not they condemn me?"--"The world is
+always on the side of prudence," cries the aunt, "and would surely
+condemn you if you sacrificed your interest to any motive whatever. Oh!
+I know the world very well; and you shew your ignorance, my dear, by
+your objection. O' my conscience! the world is wiser. I have lived
+longer in it than you; and I assure you there is not anything worth our
+regard besides money; nor did I ever know one person who married from
+other considerations, who did not afterwards heartily repent it.
+Besides, if we examine the two men, can you prefer a sneaking fellow,
+who hath been bred at the university, to a fine gentleman just come from
+his travels. All the world must allow Bellarmine to be a fine gentleman,
+positively a fine gentleman, and a handsome man."--"Perhaps, madam, I
+should not doubt, if I knew how to be handsomely off with the
+other."--"Oh! leave that to me," says the aunt. "You know your father
+hath not been acquainted with the affair. Indeed, for my part I thought
+it might do well enough, not dreaming of such an offer; but I'll
+disengage you: leave me to give the fellow an answer. I warrant you
+shall have no farther trouble."
+
+Leonora was at length satisfied with her aunt's reasoning; and
+Bellarmine supping with her that evening, it was agreed he should the
+next morning go to her father and propose the match, which she consented
+should be consummated at his return.
+
+The aunt retired soon after supper; and, the lovers being left together,
+Bellarmine began in the following manner: "Yes, madam; this coat, I
+assure you, was made at Paris, and I defy the best English taylor even
+to imitate it. There is not one of them can cut, madam; they can't cut.
+If you observe how this skirt is turned, and this sleeve: a clumsy
+English rascal can do nothing like it. Pray, how do you like my
+liveries?" Leonora answered, "She thought them very pretty."--"All
+French," says he, "I assure you, except the greatcoats; I never trust
+anything more than a greatcoat to an Englishman. You know one must
+encourage our own people what one can, especially as, before I had a
+place, I was in the country interest, he, he, he! But for myself, I
+would see the dirty island at the bottom of the sea, rather than wear a
+single rag of English work about me: and I am sure, after you have made
+one tour to Paris, you will be of the same opinion with regard to your
+own clothes. You can't conceive what an addition a French dress would be
+to your beauty; I positively assure you, at the first opera I saw since
+I came over, I mistook the English ladies for chambermaids, he, he, he!"
+
+With such sort of polite discourse did the gay Bellarmine entertain his
+beloved Leonora, when the door opened on a sudden, and Horatio entered
+the room. Here 'tis impossible to express the surprize of Leonora.
+
+"Poor woman!" says Mrs Slipslop, "what a terrible quandary she must be
+in!"--"Not at all," says Mrs Grave-airs; "such sluts can never be
+confounded."--"She must have then more than Corinthian assurance," said
+Adams; "aye, more than Lais herself."
+
+A long silence, continued the lady, prevailed in the whole company. If
+the familiar entrance of Horatio struck the greatest astonishment into
+Bellarmine, the unexpected presence of Bellarmine no less surprized
+Horatio. At length Leonora, collecting all the spirit she was mistress
+of, addressed herself to the latter, and pretended to wonder at the
+reason of so late a visit. "I should indeed," answered he, "have made
+some apology for disturbing you at this hour, had not my finding you in
+company assured me I do not break in upon your repose." Bellarmine rose
+from his chair, traversed the room in a minuet step, and hummed an
+opera tune, while Horatio, advancing to Leonora, asked her in a whisper
+if that gentleman was not a relation of hers; to which she answered with
+a smile, or rather sneer, "No, he is no relation of mine yet;" adding,
+"she could not guess the meaning of his question." Horatio told her
+softly, "It did not arise from jealousy."--"Jealousy! I assure you, it
+would be very strange in a common acquaintance to give himself any of
+those airs." These words a little surprized Horatio; but, before he had
+time to answer, Bellarmine danced up to the lady and told her, "He
+feared he interrupted some business between her and the gentleman."--"I
+can have no business," said she, "with the gentleman, nor any other,
+which need be any secret to you."
+
+"You'll pardon me," said Horatio, "if I desire to know who this
+gentleman is who is to be entrusted with all our secrets."--"You'll know
+soon enough," cries Leonora; "but I can't guess what secrets can ever
+pass between us of such mighty consequence."--"No, madam!" cries
+Horatio; "I am sure you would not have me understand you in
+earnest."--"'Tis indifferent to me," says she, "how you understand me;
+but I think so unseasonable a visit is difficult to be understood at
+all, at least when people find one engaged: though one's servants do not
+deny one, one may expect a well-bred person should soon take the hint."
+"Madam," said Horatio, "I did not imagine any engagement with a
+stranger, as it seems this gentleman is, would have made my visit
+impertinent, or that any such ceremonies were to be preserved between
+persons in our situation." "Sure you are in a dream," says she, "or
+would persuade me that I am in one. I know no pretensions a common
+acquaintance can have to lay aside the ceremonies of good breeding."
+"Sure," said he, "I am in a dream; for it is impossible I should be
+really esteemed a common acquaintance by Leonora, after what has passed
+between us?" "Passed between us! Do you intend to affront me before this
+gentleman?" "D--n me, affront the lady," says Bellarmine, cocking his
+hat, and strutting up to Horatio: "does any man dare affront this lady
+before me, d--n me?" "Hark'ee, sir," says Horatio, "I would advise you
+to lay aside that fierce air; for I am mightily deceived if this lady
+has not a violent desire to get your worship a good drubbing." "Sir,"
+said Bellarmine, "I have the honour to be her protector; and, d--n me,
+if I understand your meaning." "Sir," answered Horatio, "she is rather
+your protectress; but give yourself no more airs, for you see I am
+prepared for you" (shaking his whip at him). "Oh! _serviteur tres
+humble_," says Bellarmine: "_Je vous entend parfaitment bien_." At which
+time the aunt, who had heard of Horatio's visit, entered the room, and
+soon satisfied all his doubts. She convinced him that he was never more
+awake in his life, and that nothing more extraordinary had happened in
+his three days' absence than a small alteration in the affections of
+Leonora; who now burst into tears, and wondered what reason she had
+given him to use her in so barbarous a manner. Horatio desired
+Bellarmine to withdraw with him; but the ladies prevented it by laying
+violent hands on the latter; upon which the former took his leave
+without any great ceremony, and departed, leaving the lady with his
+rival to consult for his safety, which Leonora feared her indiscretion
+might have endangered; but the aunt comforted her with assurances that
+Horatio would not venture his person against so accomplished a cavalier
+as Bellarmine, and that, being a lawyer, he would seek revenge in his
+own way, and the most they had to apprehend from him was an action.
+
+They at length therefore agreed to permit Bellarmine to retire to his
+lodgings, having first settled all matters relating to the journey which
+he was to undertake in the morning, and their preparations for the
+nuptials at his return.
+
+But, alas! as wise men have observed, the seat of valour is not the
+countenance; and many a grave and plain man will, on a just provocation,
+betake himself to that mischievous metal, cold iron; while men of a
+fiercer brow, and sometimes with that emblem of courage, a cockade, will
+more prudently decline it.
+
+Leonora was waked in the morning, from a visionary coach and six, with
+the dismal account that Bellarmine was run through the body by Horatio;
+that he lay languishing at an inn, and the surgeons had declared the
+wound mortal. She immediately leaped out of the bed, danced about the
+room in a frantic manner, tore her hair and beat her breast in all the
+agonies of despair; in which sad condition her aunt, who likewise arose
+at the news, found her. The good old lady applied her utmost art to
+comfort her niece. She told her, "While there was life there was hope;
+but that if he should die her affliction would be of no service to
+Bellarmine, and would only expose herself, which might, probably, keep
+her some time without any future offer; that, as matters had happened,
+her wisest way would be to think no more of Bellarmine, but to endeavour
+to regain the affections of Horatio." "Speak not to me," cried the
+disconsolate Leonora; "is it not owing to me that poor Bellarmine has
+lost his life? Have not these cursed charms (at which words she looked
+steadfastly in the glass) been the ruin of the most charming man of this
+age? Can I ever bear to contemplate my own face again (with her eyes
+still fixed on the glass)? Am I not the murderess of the finest
+gentleman? No other woman in the town could have made any impression on
+him." "Never think of things past," cries the aunt: "think of regaining
+the affections of Horatio." "What reason," said the niece, "have I to
+hope he would forgive me? No, I have lost him as well as the other, and
+it was your wicked advice which was the occasion of all; you seduced me,
+contrary to my inclinations, to abandon poor Horatio (at which words she
+burst into tears); you prevailed upon me, whether I would or no, to give
+up my affections for him; had it not been for you, Bellarmine never
+would have entered into my thoughts; had not his addresses been backed
+by your persuasions, they never would have made any impression on me; I
+should have defied all the fortune and equipage in the world; but it was
+you, it was you, who got the better of my youth and simplicity, and
+forced me to lose my dear Horatio for ever."
+
+The aunt was almost borne down with this torrent of words; she, however,
+rallied all the strength she could, and, drawing her mouth up in a
+purse, began: "I am not surprized, niece, at this ingratitude. Those who
+advise young women for their interest, must always expect such a return:
+I am convinced my brother will thank me for breaking off your match with
+Horatio, at any rate."--"That may not be in your power yet," answered
+Leonora, "though it is very ungrateful in you to desire or attempt it,
+after the presents you have received from him." (For indeed true it is,
+that many presents, and some pretty valuable ones, had passed from
+Horatio to the old lady; but as true it is, that Bellarmine, when he
+breakfasted with her and her niece, had complimented her with a
+brilliant from his finger, of much greater value than all she had
+touched of the other.)
+
+The aunt's gall was on float to reply, when a servant brought a letter
+into the room, which Leonora, hearing it came from Bellarmine, with
+great eagerness opened, and read as follows:--
+
+"MOST DIVINE CREATURE,--The wound which I fear you have heard I
+received from my rival is not like to be so fatal as those shot into my
+heart which have been fired from your eyes, _tout brilliant_. Those are
+the only cannons by which I am to fall; for my surgeon gives me hopes of
+being soon able to attend your _ruelle_; till when, unless you would do
+me an honour which I have scarce the _hardiesse_ to think of, your
+absence will be the greatest anguish which can be felt by,
+
+"Madam,
+
+"_Avec toute le respecte_ in the world,
+
+"Your most obedient, most absolute _Devote_,
+
+"BELLARMINE."
+
+As soon as Leonora perceived such hopes of Bellarmine's recovery, and
+that the gossip Fame had, according to custom, so enlarged his danger,
+she presently abandoned all further thoughts of Horatio, and was soon
+reconciled to her aunt, who received her again into favour, with a more
+Christian forgiveness than we generally meet with. Indeed, it is
+possible she might be a little alarmed at the hints which her niece had
+given her concerning the presents. She might apprehend such rumours,
+should they get abroad, might injure a reputation which, by frequenting
+church twice a day, and preserving the utmost rigour and strictness in
+her countenance and behaviour for many years, she had established.
+
+Leonora's passion returned now for Bellarmine with greater force, after
+its small relaxation, than ever. She proposed to her aunt to make him a
+visit in his confinement, which the old lady, with great and commendable
+prudence, advised her to decline: "For," says she, "should any accident
+intervene to prevent your intended match, too forward a behaviour with
+this lover may injure you in the eyes of others. Every woman, till she
+is married, ought to consider of, and provide against, the possibility
+of the affair's breaking off." Leonora said, "She should be indifferent
+to whatever might happen in such a case; for she had now so absolutely
+placed her affections on this dear man (so she called him), that, if it
+was her misfortune to lose him, she should for ever abandon all thoughts
+of mankind." She, therefore, resolved to visit him, notwithstanding all
+the prudent advice of her aunt to the contrary, and that very afternoon
+executed her resolution.
+
+The lady was proceeding in her story, when the coach drove into the inn
+where the company were to dine, sorely to the dissatisfaction of Mr
+Adams, whose ears were the most hungry part about him; he being, as the
+reader may perhaps guess, of an insatiable curiosity, and heartily
+desirous of hearing the end of this amour, though he professed he could
+scarce wish success to a lady of so inconstant a disposition.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+_A dreadful quarrel which happened at the Inn where the company dined,
+with its bloody consequences to Mr Adams._
+
+
+As soon as the passengers had alighted from the coach, Mr Adams, as was
+his custom, made directly to the kitchen, where he found Joseph sitting
+by the fire, and the hostess anointing his leg; for the horse which Mr
+Adams had borrowed of his clerk had so violent a propensity to kneeling,
+that one would have thought it had been his trade, as well as his
+master's; nor would he always give any notice of such his intention; he
+was often found on his knees when the rider least expected it. This
+foible, however, was of no great inconvenience to the parson, who was
+accustomed to it; and, as his legs almost touched the ground when he
+bestrode the beast, had but a little way to fall, and threw himself
+forward on such occasions with so much dexterity that he never received
+any mischief; the horse and he frequently rolling many paces' distance,
+and afterwards both getting up and meeting as good friends as ever.
+
+Poor Joseph, who had not been used to such kind of cattle, though an
+excellent horseman, did not so happily disengage himself; but, falling
+with his leg under the beast, received a violent contusion, to which the
+good woman was, as we have said, applying a warm hand, with some
+camphorated spirits, just at the time when the parson entered
+the kitchen.
+
+He had scarce expressed his concern for Joseph's misfortune before the
+host likewise entered. He was by no means of Mr Tow-wouse's gentle
+disposition; and was, indeed, perfect master of his house, and
+everything in it but his guests.
+
+This surly fellow, who always proportioned his respect to the appearance
+of a traveller, from "God bless your honour," down to plain "Coming
+presently," observing his wife on her knees to a footman, cried out,
+without considering his circumstances, "What a pox is the woman about?
+why don't you mind the company in the coach? Go and ask them what they
+will have for dinner." "My dear," says she, "you know they can have
+nothing but what is at the fire, which will be ready presently; and
+really the poor young man's leg is very much bruised." At which words
+she fell to chafing more violently than before: the bell then happening
+to ring, he damn'd his wife, and bid her go in to the company, and not
+stand rubbing there all day, for he did not believe the young fellow's
+leg was so bad as he pretended; and if it was, within twenty miles he
+would find a surgeon to cut it off. Upon these words, Adams fetched two
+strides across the room; and snapping his fingers over his head,
+muttered aloud, He would excommunicate such a wretch for a farthing, for
+he believed the devil had more humanity. These words occasioned a
+dialogue between Adams and the host, in which there were two or three
+sharp replies, till Joseph bad the latter know how to behave himself to
+his betters. At which the host (having first strictly surveyed Adams)
+scornfully repeating the word "betters," flew into a rage, and, telling
+Joseph he was as able to walk out of his house as he had been to walk
+into it, offered to lay violent hands on him; which perceiving, Adams
+dealt him so sound a compliment over his face with his fist, that the
+blood immediately gushed out of his nose in a stream. The host, being
+unwilling to be outdone in courtesy, especially by a person of Adams's
+figure, returned the favour with so much gratitude, that the parson's
+nostrils began to look a little redder than usual. Upon which he again
+assailed his antagonist, and with another stroke laid him sprawling on
+the floor.
+
+The hostess, who was a better wife than so surly a husband deserved,
+seeing her husband all bloody and stretched along, hastened presently to
+his assistance, or rather to revenge the blow, which, to all appearance,
+was the last he would ever receive; when, lo! a pan full of hog's blood,
+which unluckily stood on the dresser, presented itself first to her
+hands. She seized it in her fury, and without any reflection, discharged
+it into the parson's face; and with so good an aim, that much the
+greater part first saluted his countenance, and trickled thence in so
+large a current down to his beard, and over his garments, that a more
+horrible spectacle was hardly to be seen, or even imagined. All which
+was perceived by Mrs Slipslop, who entered the kitchen at that instant.
+This good gentlewoman, not being of a temper so extremely cool and
+patient as perhaps was required to ask many questions on this occasion,
+flew with great impetuosity at the hostess's cap, which, together with
+some of her hair, she plucked from her head in a moment, giving her, at
+the same time, several hearty cuffs in the face; which by frequent
+practice on the inferior servants, she had learned an excellent knack of
+delivering with a good grace. Poor Joseph could hardly rise from his
+chair; the parson was employed in wiping the blood from his eyes, which
+had entirely blinded him; and the landlord was but just beginning to
+stir; whilst Mrs Slipslop, holding down the landlady's face with her
+left hand, made so dexterous an use of her right, that the poor woman
+began to roar, in a key which alarmed all the company in the inn.
+
+There happened to be in the inn, at this time, besides the ladies who
+arrived in the stage-coach, the two gentlemen who were present at Mr
+Tow-wouse's when Joseph was detained for his horse's meat, and whom we
+have before mentioned to have stopt at the alehouse with Adams. There
+was likewise a gentleman just returned from his travels to Italy; all
+whom the horrid outcry of murder presently brought into the kitchen,
+where the several combatants were found in the postures already
+described.
+
+It was now no difficulty to put an end to the fray, the conquerors being
+satisfied with the vengeance they had taken, and the conquered having no
+appetite to renew the fight. The principal figure, and which engaged the
+eyes of all, was Adams, who was all over covered with blood, which the
+whole company concluded to be his own, and consequently imagined him no
+longer for this world. But the host, who had now recovered from his
+blow, and was risen from the ground, soon delivered them from this
+apprehension, by damning his wife for wasting the hog's puddings, and
+telling her all would have been very well if she had not intermeddled,
+like a b--as she was; adding, he was very glad the gentlewoman had paid
+her, though not half what she deserved. The poor woman had indeed fared
+much the worst; having, besides the unmerciful cuffs received, lost a
+quantity of hair, which Mrs Slipslop in triumph held in her left hand.
+
+The traveller, addressing himself to Mrs Grave-airs, desired her not to
+be frightened; for here had been only a little boxing, which he said, to
+their _disgracia_, the English were _accustomata_ to: adding, it must
+be, however, a sight somewhat strange to him, who was just come from
+Italy; the Italians not being addicted to the _cuffardo_ but _bastonza_,
+says he. He then went up to Adams, and telling him he looked like the
+ghost of Othello, bid him not shake his gory locks at him, for he could
+not say he did it. Adams very innocently answered, "Sir, I am far from
+accusing you." He then returned to the lady, and cried, "I find the
+bloody gentleman is _uno insipido del nullo senso_. _Dammato di me_, if
+I have seen such a _spectaculo_ in my way from Viterbo."
+
+One of the gentlemen having learnt from the host the occasion of this
+bustle, and being assured by him that Adams had struck the first blow,
+whispered in his ear, "He'd warrant he would recover."--"Recover!
+master," said the host, smiling: "yes, yes, I am not afraid of dying
+with a blow or two neither; I am not such a chicken as that."--"Pugh!"
+said the gentleman, "I mean you will recover damages in that action
+which, undoubtedly, you intend to bring, as soon as a writ can be
+returned from London; for you look like a man of too much spirit and
+courage to suffer any one to beat you without bringing your action
+against him: he must be a scandalous fellow indeed who would put up with
+a drubbing whilst the law is open to revenge it; besides, he hath drawn
+blood from you, and spoiled your coat; and the jury will give damages
+for that too. An excellent new coat upon my word; and now not worth a
+shilling! I don't care," continued he, "to intermeddle in these cases;
+but you have a right to my evidence; and if I am sworn, I must speak the
+truth. I saw you sprawling on the floor, and blood gushing from your
+nostrils. You may take your own opinion; but was I in your
+circumstances, every drop of my blood should convey an ounce of gold
+into my pocket: remember I don't advise you to go to law; but if your
+jury were Christians, they must give swinging damages. That's
+all."--"Master," cried the host, scratching his head, "I have no stomach
+to law, I thank you. I have seen enough of that in the parish, where two
+of my neighbours have been at law about a house, till they have both
+lawed themselves into a gaol." At which words he turned about, and began
+to inquire again after his hog's puddings; nor would it probably have
+been a sufficient excuse for his wife, that she spilt them in his
+defence, had not some awe of the company, especially of the Italian
+traveller, who was a person of great dignity, withheld his rage.
+
+Whilst one of the above-mentioned gentlemen was employed, as we have
+seen him, on the behalf of the landlord, the other was no less hearty on
+the side of Mr Adams, whom he advised to bring his action immediately.
+He said the assault of the wife was in law the assault of the husband,
+for they were but one person; and he was liable to pay damages, which he
+said must be considerable, where so bloody a disposition appeared. Adams
+answered, If it was true that they were but one person, he had assaulted
+the wife; for he was sorry to own he had struck the husband the first
+blow. "I am sorry you own it too," cries the gentleman; "for it could
+not possibly appear to the court; for here was no evidence present but
+the lame man in the chair, whom I suppose to be your friend, and would
+consequently say nothing but what made for you."--"How, sir," says
+Adams, "do you take me for a villain, who would prosecute revenge in
+cold blood, and use unjustifiable means to obtain it? If you knew me,
+and my order, I should think you affronted both." At the word order, the
+gentleman stared (for he was too bloody to be of any modern order of
+knights); and, turning hastily about, said, "Every man knew his own
+business."
+
+Matters being now composed, the company retired to their several
+apartments; the two gentlemen congratulating each other on the success
+of their good offices in procuring a perfect reconciliation between the
+contending parties; and the traveller went to his repast, crying, "As
+the Italian poet says--
+
+    '_Je voi_ very well _que tutta e pace_,
+    So send up dinner, good Boniface.'"
+
+The coachman began now to grow importunate with his passengers, whose
+entrance into the coach was retarded by Miss Grave-airs insisting,
+against the remonstrance of all the rest, that she would not admit a
+footman into the coach; for poor Joseph was too lame to mount a horse. A
+young lady, who was, as it seems, an earl's grand-daughter, begged it
+with almost tears in her eyes. Mr Adams prayed, and Mrs Slipslop
+scolded; but all to no purpose. She said, "She would not demean herself
+to ride with a footman: that there were waggons on the road: that if the
+master of the coach desired it, she would pay for two places; but would
+suffer no such fellow to come in."--"Madam," says Slipslop, "I am sure
+no one can refuse another coming into a stage-coach."--"I don't know,
+madam," says the lady; "I am not much used to stage-coaches; I seldom
+travel in them."--"That may be, madam," replied Slipslop; "very good
+people do; and some people's betters, for aught I know." Miss Grave-airs
+said, "Some folks might sometimes give their tongues a liberty, to some
+people that were their betters, which did not become them; for her part,
+she was not used to converse with servants." Slipslop returned, "Some
+people kept no servants to converse with; for her part, she thanked
+Heaven she lived in a family where there were a great many, and had more
+under her own command than any paultry little gentlewoman in the
+kingdom." Miss Grave-airs cried, "She believed her mistress would not
+encourage such sauciness to her betters."--"My betters," says Slipslop,
+"who is my betters, pray?"--"I am your betters," answered Miss
+Grave-airs, "and I'll acquaint your mistress."--At which Mrs Slipslop
+laughed aloud, and told her, "Her lady was one of the great gentry; and
+such little paultry gentlewomen as some folks, who travelled in
+stagecoaches, would not easily come at her."
+
+This smart dialogue between some people and some folks was going on at
+the coach door when a solemn person, riding into the inn, and seeing
+Miss Grave-airs, immediately accosted her with "Dear child, how do you?"
+She presently answered, "O papa, I am glad you have overtaken me."--"So
+am I," answered he; "for one of our coaches is just at hand; and, there
+being room for you in it, you shall go no farther in the stage unless
+you desire it."--"How can you imagine I should desire it?" says she; so,
+bidding Slipslop ride with her fellow, if she pleased, she took her
+father by the hand, who was just alighted, and walked with him into
+a room.
+
+Adams instantly asked the coachman, in a whisper, "If he knew who the
+gentleman was?" The coachman answered, "He was now a gentleman, and kept
+his horse and man; but times are altered, master," said be; "I remember
+when he was no better born than myself."--"Ay! ay!" says Adams. "My
+father drove the squire's coach," answered he, "when that very man rode
+postillion; but he is now his steward; and a great gentleman." Adams
+then snapped his fingers, and cried, "He thought she was some
+such trollop."
+
+Adams made haste to acquaint Mrs Slipslop with this good news, as he
+imagined it; but it found a reception different from what he expected.
+The prudent gentlewoman, who despised the anger of Miss Grave-airs
+whilst she conceived her the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune,
+now she heard her alliance with the upper servants of a great family in
+her neighbourhood, began to fear her interest with the mistress. She
+wished she had not carried the dispute so far, and began to think of
+endeavouring to reconcile herself to the young lady before she left the
+inn; when, luckily, the scene at London, which the reader can scarce
+have forgotten, presented itself to her mind, and comforted her with
+such assurance, that she no longer apprehended any enemy with
+her mistress.
+
+Everything being now adjusted, the company entered the coach, which was
+just on its departure, when one lady recollected she had left her fan, a
+second her gloves, a third a snuff-box, and a fourth a smelling-bottle
+behind her; to find all which occasioned some delay and much swearing to
+the coachman.
+
+As soon as the coach had left the inn, the women all together fell to
+the character of Miss Grave-airs; whom one of them declared she had
+suspected to be some low creature, from the beginning of their journey,
+and another affirmed she had not even the looks of a gentlewoman: a
+third warranted she was no better than she should be; and, turning to
+the lady who had related the story in the coach, said, "Did you ever
+hear, madam, anything so prudish as her remarks? Well, deliver me from
+the censoriousness of such a prude." The fourth added, "O madam! all
+these creatures are censorious; but for my part, I wonder where the
+wretch was bred; indeed, I must own I have seldom conversed with these
+mean kind of people, so that it may appear stranger to me; but to refuse
+the general desire of a whole company had something in it so
+astonishing, that, for my part, I own I should hardly believe it if my
+own ears had not been witnesses to it."--"Yes, and so handsome a young
+fellow," cries Slipslop; "the woman must have no compulsion in her: I
+believe she is more of a Turk than a Christian; I am certain, if she had
+any Christian woman's blood in her veins, the sight of such a young
+fellow must have warmed it. Indeed, there are some wretched, miserable
+old objects, that turn one's stomach; I should not wonder if she had
+refused such a one; I am as nice as herself, and should have cared no
+more than herself for the company of stinking old fellows; but, hold up
+thy head, Joseph, thou art none of those; and she who hath not
+compulsion for thee is a Myhummetman, and I will maintain it." This
+conversation made Joseph uneasy as well as the ladies; who, perceiving
+the spirits which Mrs Slipslop was in (for indeed she was not a cup too
+low), began to fear the consequence; one of them therefore desired the
+lady to conclude the story. "Aye, madam," said Slipslop, "I beg your
+ladyship to give us that story you commensated in the morning;" which
+request that well-bred woman immediately complied with.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+_Conclusion of the unfortunate jilt._
+
+
+Leonora, having once broke through the bounds which custom and modesty
+impose on her sex, soon gave an unbridled indulgence to her passion. Her
+visits to Bellarmine were more constant, as well as longer, than his
+surgeon's: in a word, she became absolutely his nurse; made his
+water-gruel, administered him his medicines; and, notwithstanding the
+prudent advice of her aunt to the contrary, almost intirely resided in
+her wounded lover's apartment.
+
+The ladies of the town began to take her conduct under consideration: it
+was the chief topic of discourse at their tea-tables, and was very
+severely censured by the most part; especially by Lindamira, a lady
+whose discreet and starch carriage, together with a constant attendance
+at church three times a day, had utterly defeated many malicious attacks
+on her own reputation; for such was the envy that Lindamira's virtue had
+attracted, that, notwithstanding her own strict behaviour and strict
+enquiry into the lives of others, she had not been able to escape being
+the mark of some arrows herself, which, however, did her no injury; a
+blessing, perhaps, owed by her to the clergy, who were her chief male
+companions, and with two or three of whom she had been barbarously and
+unjustly calumniated.
+
+"Not so unjustly neither, perhaps," says Slipslop; "for the clergy are
+men, as well as other folks."
+
+The extreme delicacy of Lindamira's virtue was cruelly hurt by those
+freedoms which Leonora allowed herself: she said, "It was an affront to
+her sex; that she did not imagine it consistent with any woman's honour
+to speak to the creature, or to be seen in her company; and that, for
+her part, she should always refuse to dance at an assembly with her,
+for fear of contamination by taking her by the hand."
+
+But to return to my story: as soon as Bellarmine was recovered, which
+was somewhat within a month from his receiving the wound, he set out,
+according to agreement, for Leonora's father's, in order to propose the
+match, and settle all matters with him touching settlements, and
+the like.
+
+A little before his arrival the old gentleman had received an intimation
+of the affair by the following letter, which I can repeat verbatim, and
+which, they say, was written neither by Leonora nor her aunt, though it
+was in a woman's hand. The letter was in these words:--
+
+"SIR,--I am sorry to acquaint you that your daughter, Leonora, hath
+acted one of the basest as well as most simple parts with a young
+gentleman to whom she had engaged herself, and whom she hath (pardon the
+word) jilted for another of inferior fortune, notwithstanding his
+superior figure. You may take what measures you please on this occasion;
+I have performed what I thought my duty; as I have, though unknown to
+you, a very great respect for your family."
+
+The old gentleman did not give himself the trouble to answer this kind
+epistle; nor did he take any notice of it, after he had read it, till he
+saw Bellarmine. He was, to say the truth, one of those fathers who look
+on children as an unhappy consequence of their youthful pleasures;
+which, as he would have been delighted not to have had attended them, so
+was he no less pleased with any opportunity to rid himself of the
+incumbrance. He passed, in the world's language, as an exceeding good
+father; being not only so rapacious as to rob and plunder all mankind to
+the utmost of his power, but even to deny himself the conveniencies, and
+almost necessaries, of life; which his neighbours attributed to a desire
+of raising immense fortunes for his children: but in fact it was not
+so; he heaped up money for its own sake only, and looked on his children
+as his rivals, who were to enjoy his beloved mistress when he was
+incapable of possessing her, and which he would have been much more
+charmed with the power of carrying along with him; nor had his children
+any other security of being his heirs than that the law would constitute
+them such without a will, and that he had not affection enough for any
+one living to take the trouble of writing one.
+
+To this gentleman came Bellarmine, on the errand I have mentioned. His
+person, his equipage, his family, and his estate, seemed to the father
+to make him an advantageous match for his daughter: he therefore very
+readily accepted his proposals: but when Bellarmine imagined the
+principal affair concluded, and began to open the incidental matters of
+fortune, the old gentleman presently changed his countenance, saying,
+"He resolved never to marry his daughter on a Smithfield match; that
+whoever had love for her to take her would, when he died, find her share
+of his fortune in his coffers; but he had seen such examples of
+undutifulness happen from the too early generosity of parents, that he
+had made a vow never to part with a shilling whilst he lived." He
+commended the saying of Solomon, "He that spareth the rod spoileth the
+child;" but added, "he might have likewise asserted, That he that
+spareth the purse saveth the child." He then ran into a discourse on the
+extravagance of the youth of the age; whence he launched into a
+dissertation on horses; and came at length to commend those Bellarmine
+drove. That fine gentleman, who at another season would have been well
+enough pleased to dwell a little on that subject, was now very eager to
+resume the circumstance of fortune. He said, "He had a very high value
+for the young lady, and would receive her with less than he would any
+other whatever; but that even his love to her made some regard to
+worldly matters necessary; for it would be a most distracting sight for
+him to see her, when he had the honour to be her husband, in less than a
+coach and six." The old gentleman answered, "Four will do, four will
+do;" and then took a turn from horses to extravagance and from
+extravagance to horses, till he came round to the equipage again;
+whither he was no sooner arrived than Bellarmine brought him back to the
+point; but all to no purpose; he made his escape from that subject in a
+minute; till at last the lover declared, "That in the present situation
+of his affairs it was impossible for him, though he loved Leonora more
+than _tout le monde_, to marry her without any fortune." To which the
+father answered, "He was sorry that his daughter must lose so valuable a
+match; that, if he had an inclination, at present it was not in his
+power to advance a shilling: that he had had great losses, and been at
+great expenses on projects; which, though he had great expectation from
+them, had yet produced him nothing: that he did not know what might
+happen hereafter, as on the birth of a son, or such accident; but he
+would make no promise, or enter into any article, for he would not break
+his vow for all the daughters in the world."
+
+In short, ladies, to keep you no longer in suspense, Bellarmine, having
+tried every argument and persuasion which he could invent, and finding
+them all ineffectual, at length took his leave, but not in order to
+return to Leonora; he proceeded directly to his own seat, whence, after
+a few days' stay, he returned to Paris, to the great delight of the
+French and the honour of the English nation.
+
+But as soon as he arrived at his home he presently despatched a
+messenger with the following epistle to Leonora:--
+
+"ADORABLE AND CHARMANTE,--I am sorry to have the honour to tell you I
+am not the _heureux_ person destined for your divine arms. Your papa
+hath told me so with a _politesse_ not often seen on this side Paris.
+You may perhaps guess his manner of refusing me. _Ah, mon Dieu!_ You
+will certainly believe me, madam, incapable myself of delivering this
+_triste_ message, which I intend to try the French air to cure the
+consequences of. _A jamais! Coeur! Ange! Au diable!_ If your papa
+obliges you to a marriage, I hope we shall see you at Paris; till when,
+the wind that flows from thence will be the warmest _dans le monde_, for
+it will consist almost entirely of my sighs. _Adieu, ma princesse!
+Ah, l'amour!_
+
+"BELLARMINE."
+
+I shall not attempt, ladies, to describe Leonora's condition when she
+received this letter. It is a picture of horror, which I should have as
+little pleasure in drawing as you in beholding. She immediately left the
+place where she was the subject of conversation and ridicule, and
+retired to that house I showed you when I began the story; where she
+hath ever since led a disconsolate life, and deserves, perhaps, pity for
+her misfortunes, more than our censure for a behaviour to which the
+artifices of her aunt very probably contributed, and to which very young
+women are often rendered too liable by that blameable levity in the
+education of our sex.
+
+"If I was inclined to pity her," said a young lady in the coach, "it
+would be for the loss of Horatio; for I cannot discern any misfortune in
+her missing such a husband as Bellarmine."
+
+"Why, I must own," says Slipslop, "the gentleman was a little
+false-hearted; but howsumever, it was hard to have two lovers, and get
+never a husband at all. But pray, madam, what became of _Our-asho_?"
+
+He remains, said the lady, still unmarried, and hath applied himself so
+strictly to his business, that he hath raised, I hear, a very
+considerable fortune. And what is remarkable, they say he never hears
+the name of Leonora without a sigh, nor hath ever uttered one syllable
+to charge her with her ill-conduct towards him.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+_A very short chapter, in which parson Adams went a great way._
+
+
+The lady, having finished her story, received the thanks of the company;
+and now Joseph, putting his head out of the coach, cried out, "Never
+believe me if yonder be not our parson Adams walking along without his
+horse!"--"On my word, and so he is," says Slipslop: "and as sure as
+twopence he hath left him behind at the inn." Indeed, true it is, the
+parson had exhibited a fresh instance of his absence of mind; for he was
+so pleased with having got Joseph into the coach, that he never once
+thought of the beast in the stable; and, finding his legs as nimble as
+he desired, he sallied out, brandishing a crabstick, and had kept on
+before the coach, mending and slackening his pace occasionally, so that
+he had never been much more or less than a quarter of a mile
+distant from it.
+
+Mrs Slipslop desired the coachman to overtake him, which he attempted,
+but in vain; for the faster he drove the faster ran the parson, often
+crying out, "Aye, aye, catch me if you can;" till at length the coachman
+swore he would as soon attempt to drive after a greyhound, and, giving
+the parson two or three hearty curses, he cry'd, "Softly, softly, boys,"
+to his horses, which the civil beasts immediately obeyed.
+
+But we will be more courteous to our reader than he was to Mrs
+Slipslop; and, leaving the coach and its company to pursue their
+journey, we will carry our reader on after parson Adams, who stretched
+forwards without once looking behind him, till, having left the coach
+full three miles in his rear, he came to a place where, by keeping the
+extremest track to the right, it was just barely possible for a human
+creature to miss his way. This track, however, did he keep, as indeed he
+had a wonderful capacity at these kinds of bare possibilities, and,
+travelling in it about three miles over the plain, he arrived at the
+summit of a hill, whence looking a great way backwards, and perceiving
+no coach in sight, he sat himself down on the turf, and, pulling out his
+Aeschylus, determined to wait here for its arrival.
+
+He had not sat long here before a gun going off very near, a little
+startled him; he looked up and saw a gentleman within a hundred paces
+taking up a partridge which he had just shot.
+
+Adams stood up and presented a figure to the gentleman which would have
+moved laughter in many; for his cassock had just again fallen down below
+his greatcoat, that is to say, it reached his knees, whereas the skirts
+of his greatcoat descended no lower than half-way down his thighs; but
+the gentleman's mirth gave way to his surprize at beholding such a
+personage in such a place.
+
+Adams, advancing to the gentleman, told him he hoped he had good sport,
+to which the other answered, "Very little."--"I see, sir," says Adams,
+"you have smote one partridge;" to which the sportsman made no reply,
+but proceeded to charge his piece.
+
+Whilst the gun was charging, Adams remained in silence, which he at last
+broke by observing that it was a delightful evening. The gentleman, who
+had at first sight conceived a very distasteful opinion of the parson,
+began, on perceiving a book in his hand and smoaking likewise the
+information of the cassock, to change his thoughts, and made a small
+advance to conversation on his side by saying, "Sir, I suppose you are
+not one of these parts?"
+
+Adams immediately told him, "No; that he was a traveller, and invited by
+the beauty of the evening and the place to repose a little and amuse
+himself with reading."--"I may as well repose myself too," said the
+sportsman, "for I have been out this whole afternoon, and the devil a
+bird have I seen till I came hither."
+
+"Perhaps then the game is not very plenty hereabouts?" cries Adams. "No,
+sir," said the gentleman: "the soldiers, who are quartered in the
+neighbourhood, have killed it all."--"It is very probable," cries Adams,
+"for shooting is their profession."--"Ay, shooting the game," answered
+the other; "but I don't see they are so forward to shoot our enemies. I
+don't like that affair of Carthagena; if I had been there, I believe I
+should have done other-guess things, d--n me: what's a man's life when
+his country demands it? a man who won't sacrifice his life for his
+country deserves to be hanged, d--n me." Which words he spoke with so
+violent a gesture, so loud a voice, so strong an accent, and so fierce a
+countenance, that he might have frightened a captain of trained bands at
+the head of his company; but Mr Adams was not greatly subject to fear;
+he told him intrepidly that he very much approved his virtue, but
+disliked his swearing, and begged him not to addict himself to so bad a
+custom, without which he said he might fight as bravely as Achilles did.
+Indeed he was charmed with this discourse; he told the gentleman he
+would willingly have gone many miles to have met a man of his generous
+way of thinking; that, if he pleased to sit down, he should be greatly
+delighted to commune with him; for, though he was a clergyman, he would
+himself be ready, if thereto called, to lay down his life for
+his country.
+
+The gentleman sat down, and Adams by him; and then the latter began, as
+in the following chapter, a discourse which we have placed by itself, as
+it is not only the most curious in this but perhaps in any other book.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+_A notable dissertation by Mr Abraham Adams; wherein that gentleman
+appears in a political light._
+
+
+"I do assure you, sir" (says he, taking the gentleman by the hand), "I
+am heartily glad to meet with a man of your kidney; for, though I am a
+poor parson, I will be bold to say I am an honest man, and would not do
+an ill thing to be made a bishop; nay, though it hath not fallen in my
+way to offer so noble a sacrifice, I have not been without opportunities
+of suffering for the sake of my conscience, I thank Heaven for them; for
+I have had relations, though I say it, who made some figure in the
+world; particularly a nephew, who was a shopkeeper and an alderman of a
+corporation. He was a good lad, and was under my care when a boy; and I
+believe would do what I bade him to his dying day. Indeed, it looks like
+extreme vanity in me to affect being a man of such consequence as to
+have so great an interest in an alderman; but others have thought so
+too, as manifestly appeared by the rector, whose curate I formerly was,
+sending for me on the approach of an election, and telling me, if I
+expected to continue in his cure, that I must bring my nephew to vote
+for one Colonel Courtly, a gentleman whom I had never heard tidings of
+till that instant. I told the rector I had no power over my nephew's
+vote (God forgive me for such prevarication!); that I supposed he would
+give it according to his conscience; that I would by no means endeavour
+to influence him to give it otherwise. He told me it was in vain to
+equivocate; that he knew I had already spoke to him in favour of esquire
+Fickle, my neighbour; and, indeed, it was true I had; for it was at a
+season when the church was in danger, and when all good men expected
+they knew not what would happen to us all. I then answered boldly, if he
+thought I had given my promise, he affronted me in proposing any breach
+of it. Not to be too prolix; I persevered, and so did my nephew, in the
+esquire's interest, who was chose chiefly through his means; and so I
+lost my curacy, Well, sir, but do you think the esquire ever mentioned a
+word of the church? _Ne verbum quidem, ut ita dicam_: within two years
+he got a place, and hath ever since lived in London; where I have been
+informed (but God forbid I should believe that,) that he never so much
+as goeth to church. I remained, sir, a considerable time without any
+cure, and lived a full month on one funeral sermon, which I preached on
+the indisposition of a clergyman; but this by the bye. At last, when Mr
+Fickle got his place, Colonel Courtly stood again; and who should make
+interest for him but Mr Fickle himself! that very identical Mr Fickle,
+who had formerly told me the colonel was an enemy to both the church and
+state, had the confidence to sollicit my nephew for him; and the colonel
+himself offered me to make me chaplain to his regiment, which I refused
+in favour of Sir Oliver Hearty, who told us he would sacrifice
+everything to his country; and I believe he would, except his hunting,
+which he stuck so close to, that in five years together he went but
+twice up to parliament; and one of those times, I have been told, never
+was within sight of the House. However, he was a worthy man, and the
+best friend I ever had; for, by his interest with a bishop, he got me
+replaced into my curacy, and gave me eight pounds out of his own pocket
+to buy me a gown and cassock, and furnish my house. He had our interest
+while he lived, which was not many years. On his death I had fresh
+applications made to me; for all the world knew the interest I had with
+my good nephew, who now was a leading man in the corporation; and Sir
+Thomas Booby, buying the estate which had been Sir Oliver's, proposed
+himself a candidate. He was then a young gentleman just come from his
+travels; and it did me good to hear him discourse on affairs which, for
+my part, I knew nothing of. If I had been master of a thousand votes he
+should have had them all. I engaged my nephew in his interest, and he
+was elected; and a very fine parliament-man he was. They tell me he made
+speeches of an hour long, and, I have been told, very fine ones; but he
+could never persuade the parliament to be of his opinion. _Non omnia
+possumus omnes_. He promised me a living, poor man! and I believe I
+should have had it, but an accident happened, which was, that my lady
+had promised it before, unknown to him. This, indeed, I never heard till
+afterwards; for my nephew, who died about a month before the incumbent,
+always told me I might be assured of it. Since that time, Sir Thomas,
+poor man, had always so much business, that he never could find leisure
+to see me. I believe it was partly my lady's fault too, who did not
+think my dress good enough for the gentry at her table. However, I must
+do him the justice to say he never was ungrateful; and I have always
+found his kitchen, and his cellar too, open to me: many a time, after
+service on a Sunday--for I preach at four churches--have I recruited my
+spirits with a glass of his ale. Since my nephew's death, the
+corporation is in other hands; and I am not a man of that consequence I
+was formerly. I have now no longer any talents to lay out in the service
+of my country; and to whom nothing is given, of him can nothing be
+required. However, on all proper seasons, such as the approach of an
+election, I throw a suitable dash or two into my sermons; which I have
+the pleasure to hear is not disagreeable to Sir Thomas and the other
+honest gentlemen my neighbours, who have all promised me these five
+years to procure an ordination for a son of mine, who is now near
+thirty, hath an infinite stock of learning, and is, I thank Heaven, of
+an unexceptionable life; though, as he was never at an university, the
+bishop refuses to ordain him. Too much care cannot indeed be taken in
+admitting any to the sacred office; though I hope he will never act so
+as to be a disgrace to any order, but will serve his God and his country
+to the utmost of his power, as I have endeavoured to do before him; nay,
+and will lay down his life whenever called to that purpose. I am sure I
+have educated him in those principles; so that I have acquitted my duty,
+and shall have nothing to answer for on that account. But I do not
+distrust him, for he is a good boy; and if Providence should throw it in
+his way to be of as much consequence in a public light as his father
+once was, I can answer for him he will use his talents as honestly as I
+have done."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+_In which the gentleman discants on bravery and heroic virtue, till an
+unlucky accident puts an end to the discourse._
+
+
+The gentleman highly commended Mr Adams for his good resolutions, and
+told him, "He hoped his son would tread in his steps;" adding, "that if
+he would not die for his country, he would not be worthy to live in it.
+I'd make no more of shooting a man that would not die for his
+country, than--
+
+"Sir," said he, "I have disinherited a nephew, who is in the army,
+because he would not exchange his commission and go to the West Indies.
+I believe the rascal is a coward, though he pretends to be in love
+forsooth. I would have all such fellows hanged, sir; I would have them
+hanged." Adams answered, "That would be too severe; that men did not
+make themselves; and if fear had too much ascendance in the mind, the
+man was rather to be pitied than abhorred; that reason and time might
+teach him to subdue it." He said, "A man might be a coward at one time,
+and brave at another. Homer," says he, "who so well understood and
+copied Nature, hath taught us this lesson; for Paris fights and Hector
+runs away. Nay, we have a mighty instance of this in the history of
+later ages, no longer ago than the 705th year of Rome, when the great
+Pompey, who had won so many battles and been honoured with so many
+triumphs, and of whose valour several authors, especially Cicero and
+Paterculus, have formed such elogiums; this very Pompey left the battle
+of Pharsalia before he had lost it, and retreated to his tent, where he
+sat like the most pusillanimous rascal in a fit of despair, and yielded
+a victory, which was to determine the empire of the world, to Caesar. I
+am not much travelled in the history of modern times, that is to say,
+these last thousand years; but those who are can, I make no question,
+furnish you with parallel instances." He concluded, therefore, that, had
+he taken any such hasty resolutions against his nephew, he hoped he
+would consider better, and retract them. The gentleman answered with
+great warmth, and talked much of courage and his country, till,
+perceiving it grew late, he asked Adams, "What place he intended for
+that night?" He told him, "He waited there for the stage-coach."--"The
+stage-coach, sir!" said the gentleman; "they are all passed by long ago.
+You may see the last yourself almost three miles before us."--"I protest
+and so they are," cries Adams; "then I must make haste and follow them."
+The gentleman told him, "he would hardly be able to overtake them; and
+that, if he did not know his way, he would be in danger of losing
+himself on the downs, for it would be presently dark; and he might
+ramble about all night, and perhaps find himself farther from his
+journey's end in the morning than he was now." He advised him,
+therefore, "to accompany him to his house, which was very little out of
+his way," assuring him "that he would find some country fellow in his
+parish who would conduct him for sixpence to the city where he was
+going." Adams accepted this proposal, and on they travelled, the
+gentleman renewing his discourse on courage, and the infamy of not being
+ready, at all times, to sacrifice our lives to our country. Night
+overtook them much about the same time as they arrived near some bushes;
+whence, on a sudden, they heard the most violent shrieks imaginable in a
+female voice. Adams offered to snatch the gun out of his companion's
+hand. "What are you doing?" said he. "Doing!" said Adams; "I am
+hastening to the assistance of the poor creature whom some villains are
+murdering." "You are not mad enough, I hope," says the gentleman,
+trembling: "do you consider this gun is only charged with shot, and that
+the robbers are most probably furnished with pistols loaded with
+bullets? This is no business of ours; let us make as much haste as
+possible out of the way, or we may fall into their hands ourselves." The
+shrieks now increasing, Adams made no answer, but snapt his fingers,
+and, brandishing his crabstick, made directly to the place whence the
+voice issued; and the man of courage made as much expedition towards his
+own home, whither he escaped in a very short time without once looking
+behind him; where we will leave him, to contemplate his own bravery, and
+to censure the want of it in others, and return to the good Adams, who,
+on coming up to the place whence the noise proceeded, found a woman
+struggling with a man, who had thrown her on the ground, and had almost
+overpowered her. The great abilities of Mr Adams were not necessary to
+have formed a right judgment of this affair on the first sight. He did
+not, therefore, want the entreaties of the poor wretch to assist her;
+but, lifting up his crabstick, he immediately levelled a blow at that
+part of the ravisher's head where, according to the opinion of the
+ancients, the brains of some persons are deposited, and which he had
+undoubtedly let forth, had not Nature (who, as wise men have observed,
+equips all creatures with what is most expedient for them) taken a
+provident care (as she always doth with those she intends for
+encounters) to make this part of the head three times as thick as those
+of ordinary men who are designed to exercise talents which are vulgarly
+called rational, and for whom, as brains are necessary, she is obliged
+to leave some room for them in the cavity of the skull; whereas, those
+ingredients being entirely useless to persons of the heroic calling, she
+hath an opportunity of thickening the bone, so as to make it less
+subject to any impression, or liable to be cracked or broken: and
+indeed, in some who are predestined to the command of armies and
+empires, she is supposed sometimes to make that part perfectly solid.
+
+As a game cock, when engaged in amorous toying with a hen, if perchance
+he espies another cock at hand, immediately quits his female, and
+opposes himself to his rival, so did the ravisher, on the information of
+the crabstick, immediately leap from the woman and hasten to assail the
+man. He had no weapons but what Nature had furnished him with. However,
+he clenched his fist, and presently darted it at that part of Adams's
+breast where the heart is lodged. Adams staggered at the violence of the
+blow, when, throwing away his staff, he likewise clenched that fist
+which we have before commemorated, and would have discharged it full in
+the breast of his antagonist, had he not dexterously caught it with his
+left hand, at the same time darting his head (which some modern heroes
+of the lower class use, like the battering-ram of the ancients, for a
+weapon of offence; another reason to admire the cunningness of Nature,
+in composing it of those impenetrable materials); dashing his head, I
+say, into the stomach of Adams, he tumbled him on his back; and, not
+having any regard to the laws of heroism, which would have restrained
+him from any farther attack on his enemy till he was again on his legs,
+he threw himself upon him, and, laying hold on the ground with his left
+hand, he with his right belaboured the body of Adams till he was weary,
+and indeed till he concluded (to use the language of fighting) "that he
+had done his business;" or, in the language of poetry, "that he had sent
+him to the shades below;" in plain English, "that he was dead."
+
+But Adams, who was no chicken, and could bear a drubbing as well as any
+boxing champion in the universe, lay still only to watch his
+opportunity; and now, perceiving his antagonist to pant with his
+labours, he exerted his utmost force at once, and with such success that
+he overturned him, and became his superior; when, fixing one of his
+knees in his breast, he cried out in an exulting voice, "It is my turn
+now;" and, after a few minutes' constant application, he gave him so
+dexterous a blow just under his chin that the fellow no longer retained
+any motion, and Adams began to fear he had struck him once too often;
+for he often asserted "he should be concerned to have the blood of even
+the wicked upon him."
+
+Adams got up and called aloud to the young woman. "Be of good cheer,
+damsel," said he, "you are no longer in danger of your ravisher, who, I
+am terribly afraid, lies dead at my feet; but God forgive me what I have
+done in defence of innocence!" The poor wretch, who had been some time
+in recovering strength enough to rise, and had afterwards, during the
+engagement, stood trembling, being disabled by fear even from running
+away, hearing her champion was victorious, came up to him, but not
+without apprehensions even of her deliverer; which, however, she was
+soon relieved from by his courteous behaviour and gentle words. They
+were both standing by the body, which lay motionless on the ground, and
+which Adams wished to see stir much more than the woman did, when he
+earnestly begged her to tell him "by what misfortune she came, at such a
+time of night, into so lonely a place." She acquainted him, "She was
+travelling towards London, and had accidentally met with the person from
+whom he had delivered her, who told her he was likewise on his journey
+to the same place, and would keep her company; an offer which,
+suspecting no harm, she had accepted; that he told her they were at a
+small distance from an inn where she might take up her lodging that
+evening, and he would show her a nearer way to it than by following the
+road; that if she had suspected him (which she did not, he spoke so
+kindly to her), being alone on these downs in the dark, she had no human
+means to avoid him; that, therefore, she put her whole trust in
+Providence, and walked on, expecting every moment to arrive at the inn;
+when on a sudden, being come to those bushes, he desired her to stop,
+and after some rude kisses, which she resisted, and some entreaties,
+which she rejected, he laid violent hands on her, and was attempting to
+execute his wicked will, when, she thanked G--, he timely came up and
+prevented him." Adams encouraged her for saying she had put her whole
+trust in Providence, and told her, "He doubted not but Providence had
+sent him to her deliverance, as a reward for that trust. He wished
+indeed he had not deprived the wicked wretch of life, but G--'s will be
+done;" said, "He hoped the goodness of his intention would excuse him in
+the next world, and he trusted in her evidence to acquit him in this."
+He was then silent, and began to consider with himself whether it would
+be properer to make his escape, or to deliver himself into the hands of
+justice; which meditation ended as the reader will see in the
+next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+_Giving an account of the strange catastrophe of the preceding
+adventure, which drew poor Adams into fresh calamities; and who the
+woman was who owed the preservation of her chastity to his
+victorious arm._
+
+
+The silence of Adams, added to the darkness of the night and loneliness
+of the place, struck dreadful apprehension into the poor woman's mind;
+she began to fear as great an enemy in her deliverer as he had
+delivered her from; and as she had not light enough to discover the age
+of Adams, and the benevolence visible in his countenance, she suspected
+he had used her as some very honest men have used their country; and had
+rescued her out of the hands of one rifler in order to rifle her
+himself. Such were the suspicions she drew from his silence; but indeed
+they were ill-grounded. He stood over his vanquished enemy, wisely
+weighing in his mind the objections which might be made to either of the
+two methods of proceeding mentioned in the last chapter, his judgment
+sometimes inclining to the one, and sometimes to the other; for both
+seemed to him so equally advisable and so equally dangerous, that
+probably he would have ended his days, at least two or three of them, on
+that very spot, before he had taken any resolution; at length he lifted
+up his eyes, and spied a light at a distance, to which he instantly
+addressed himself with _Heus tu, traveller, heus tu!_ He presently heard
+several voices, and perceived the light approaching toward him. The
+persons who attended the light began some to laugh, others to sing, and
+others to hollow, at which the woman testified some fear (for she had
+concealed her suspicions of the parson himself); but Adams said, "Be of
+good cheer, damsel, and repose thy trust in the same Providence which
+hath hitherto protected thee, and never will forsake the innocent."
+These people, who now approached, were no other, reader, than a set of
+young fellows, who came to these bushes in pursuit of a diversion which
+they call bird-batting. This, if you are ignorant of it (as perhaps if
+thou hast never travelled beyond Kensington, Islington, Hackney, or the
+Borough, thou mayst be), I will inform thee, is performed by holding a
+large clap-net before a lanthorn, and at the same time beating the
+bushes; for the birds, when they are disturbed from their places of
+rest, or roost, immediately make to the light, and so are inticed
+within the net. Adams immediately told them what happened, and desired
+them to hold the lanthorn to the face of the man on the ground, for he
+feared he had smote him fatally. But indeed his fears were frivolous;
+for the fellow, though he had been stunned by the last blow he received,
+had long since recovered his senses, and, finding himself quit of Adams,
+had listened attentively to the discourse between him and the young
+woman; for whose departure he had patiently waited, that he might
+likewise withdraw himself, having no longer hopes of succeeding in his
+desires, which were moreover almost as well cooled by Mr Adams as they
+could have been by the young woman herself had he obtained his utmost
+wish. This fellow, who had a readiness at improving any accident,
+thought he might now play a better part than that of a dead man; and,
+accordingly, the moment the candle was held to his face he leapt up,
+and, laying hold on Adams, cried out, "No, villain, I am not dead,
+though you and your wicked whore might well think me so, after the
+barbarous cruelties you have exercised on me. Gentlemen," said he, "you
+are luckily come to the assistance of a poor traveller, who would
+otherwise have been robbed and murdered by this vile man and woman, who
+led me hither out of my way from the high-road, and both falling on me
+have used me as you see." Adams was going to answer, when one of the
+young fellows cried, "D--n them, let's carry them both before the
+justice." The poor woman began to tremble, and Adams lifted up his
+voice, but in vain. Three or four of them laid hands on him; and one
+holding the lanthorn to his face, they all agreed he had the most
+villainous countenance they ever beheld; and an attorney's clerk, who
+was of the company, declared he was sure he had remembered him at the
+bar. As to the woman, her hair was dishevelled in the struggle, and her
+nose had bled; so that they could not perceive whether she was handsome
+or ugly, but they said her fright plainly discovered her guilt. And
+searching her pockets, as they did those of Adams, for money, which the
+fellow said he had lost, they found in her pocket a purse with some gold
+in it, which abundantly convinced them, especially as the fellow offered
+to swear to it. Mr Adams was found to have no more than one halfpenny
+about him. This the clerk said "was a great presumption that he was an
+old offender, by cunningly giving all the booty to the woman." To which
+all the rest readily assented.
+
+This accident promising them better sport than what they had proposed,
+they quitted their intention of catching birds, and unanimously resolved
+to proceed to the justice with the offenders. Being informed what a
+desperate fellow Adams was, they tied his hands behind him; and, having
+hid their nets among the bushes, and the lanthorn being carried before
+them, they placed the two prisoners in their front, and then began their
+march; Adams not only submitting patiently to his own fate, but
+comforting and encouraging his companion under her sufferings.
+
+Whilst they were on their way the clerk informed the rest that this
+adventure would prove a very beneficial one; for that they would all be
+entitled to their proportions of L80 for apprehending the robbers. This
+occasioned a contention concerning the parts which they had severally
+borne in taking them; one insisting he ought to have the greatest share,
+for he had first laid his hands on Adams; another claiming a superior
+part for having first held the lanthorn to the man's face on the ground,
+by which, he said, "the whole was discovered." The clerk claimed
+four-fifths of the reward for having proposed to search the prisoners,
+and likewise the carrying them before the justice: he said, "Indeed, in
+strict justice, he ought to have the whole." These claims, however,
+they at last consented to refer to a future decision, but seemed all to
+agree that the clerk was entitled to a moiety. They then debated what
+money should be allotted to the young fellow who had been employed only
+in holding the nets. He very modestly said, "That he did not apprehend
+any large proportion would fall to his share, but hoped they would allow
+him something; he desired them to consider that they had assigned their
+nets to his care, which prevented him from being as forward as any in
+laying hold of the robbers" (for so those innocent people were called);
+"that if he had not occupied the nets, some other must;" concluding,
+however, "that he should be contented with the smallest share
+imaginable, and should think that rather their bounty than his merit."
+But they were all unanimous in excluding him from any part whatever, the
+clerk particularly swearing, "If they gave him a shilling they might do
+what they pleased with the rest; for he would not concern himself with
+the affair." This contention was so hot, and so totally engaged the
+attention of all the parties, that a dexterous nimble thief, had he been
+in Mr Adams's situation, would have taken care to have given the justice
+no trouble that evening. Indeed, it required not the art of a Sheppard
+to escape, especially as the darkness of the night would have so much
+befriended him; but Adams trusted rather to his innocence than his
+heels, and, without thinking of flight, which was easy, or resistance
+(which was impossible, as there were six lusty young fellows, besides
+the villain himself, present), he walked with perfect resignation the
+way they thought proper to conduct him.
+
+Adams frequently vented himself in ejaculations during their journey; at
+last, poor Joseph Andrews occurring to his mind, he could not refrain
+sighing forth his name, which being heard by his companion in
+affliction, she cried with some vehemence, "Sure I should know that
+voice; you cannot certainly, sir, be Mr Abraham Adams?"--"Indeed,
+damsel," says he, "that is my name; there is something also in your
+voice which persuades me I have heard it before."--"La! sir," says she,
+"don't you remember poor Fanny?"--"How, Fanny!" answered Adams: "indeed
+I very well remember you; what can have brought you hither?"--"I have
+told you, sir," replied she, "I was travelling towards London; but I
+thought you mentioned Joseph Andrews; pray what is become of him?"--"I
+left him, child, this afternoon," said Adams, "in the stage-coach, in
+his way towards our parish, whither he is going to see you."--"To see
+me! La, sir," answered Fanny, "sure you jeer me; what should he be going
+to see me for?"--"Can you ask that?" replied Adams. "I hope, Fanny, you
+are not inconstant; I assure you he deserves much better of you."--"La!
+Mr Adams," said she, "what is Mr Joseph to me? I am sure I never had
+anything to say to him, but as one fellow-servant might to another."--"I
+am sorry to hear this," said Adams; "a virtuous passion for a young man
+is what no woman need be ashamed of. You either do not tell me truth, or
+you are false to a very worthy man." Adams then told her what had
+happened at the inn, to which she listened very attentively; and a sigh
+often escaped from her, notwithstanding her utmost endeavours to the
+contrary; nor could she prevent herself from asking a thousand
+questions, which would have assured any one but Adams, who never saw
+farther into people than they desired to let him, of the truth of a
+passion she endeavoured to conceal. Indeed, the fact was, that this poor
+girl, having heard of Joseph's misfortune, by some of the servants
+belonging to the coach which we have formerly mentioned to have stopt at
+the inn while the poor youth was confined to his bed, that instant
+abandoned the cow she was milking, and, taking with her a little bundle
+of clothes under her arm, and all the money she was worth in her own
+purse, without consulting any one, immediately set forward in pursuit of
+one whom, notwithstanding her shyness to the parson, she loved with
+inexpressible violence, though with the purest and most delicate
+passion. This shyness, therefore, as we trust it will recommend her
+character to all our female readers, and not greatly surprize such of
+our males as are well acquainted with the younger part of the other sex,
+we shall not give ourselves any trouble to vindicate.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+_What happened to them while before the justice. A chapter very full of
+learning._
+
+
+Their fellow-travellers were so engaged in the hot dispute concerning
+the division of the reward for apprehending these innocent people, that
+they attended very little to their discourse. They were now arrived at
+the justice's house, and had sent one of his servants in to acquaint his
+worship that they had taken two robbers and brought them before him. The
+justice, who was just returned from a fox-chase, and had not yet
+finished his dinner, ordered them to carry the prisoners into the
+stable, whither they were attended by all the servants in the house, and
+all the people in the neighbourhood, who flocked together to see them
+with as much curiosity as if there was something uncommon to be seen, or
+that a rogue did not look like other people.
+
+The justice, now being in the height of his mirth and his cups,
+bethought himself of the prisoners; and, telling his company he believed
+they should have good sport in their examination, he ordered them into
+his presence. They had no sooner entered the room than he began to
+revile them, saying, "That robberies on the highway were now grown so
+frequent, that people could not sleep safely in their beds, and assured
+them they both should be made examples of at the ensuing assizes." After
+he had gone on some time in this manner, he was reminded by his clerk,
+"That it would be proper to take the depositions of the witnesses
+against them." Which he bid him do, and he would light his pipe in the
+meantime. Whilst the clerk was employed in writing down the deposition
+of the fellow who had pretended to be robbed, the justice employed
+himself in cracking jests on poor Fanny, in which he was seconded by all
+the company at table. One asked, "Whether she was to be indicted for a
+highwayman?" Another whispered in her ear, "If she had not provided
+herself a great belly, he was at her service." A third said, "He
+warranted she was a relation of Turpin." To which one of the company, a
+great wit, shaking his head, and then his sides, answered, "He believed
+she was nearer related to Turpis;" at which there was an universal
+laugh. They were proceeding thus with the poor girl, when somebody,
+smoking the cassock peeping forth from under the greatcoat of Adams,
+cried out, "What have we here, a parson?" "How, sirrah," says the
+justice, "do you go robbing in the dress of a clergyman? let me tell you
+your habit will not entitle you to the benefit of the clergy." "Yes,"
+said the witty fellow, "he will have one benefit of clergy, he will be
+exalted above the heads of the people;" at which there was a second
+laugh. And now the witty spark, seeing his jokes take, began to rise in
+spirits; and, turning to Adams, challenged him to cap verses, and,
+provoking him by giving the first blow, he repeated--
+
+    _"Molle meum levibus cord est vilebile telis."_
+
+Upon which Adams, with a look full of ineffable contempt, told him, "He
+deserved scourging for his pronunciation." The witty fellow answered,
+"What do you deserve, doctor, for not being able to answer the first
+time? Why, I'll give one, you blockhead, with an S.
+
+    _"'Si licet, ut fulvum spectatur in ignibus haurum.'_
+
+"What, canst not with an M neither? Thou art a pretty fellow for a
+parson! Why didst not steal some of the parson's Latin as well as his
+gown?" Another at the table then answered, "If he had, you would have
+been too hard for him; I remember you at the college a very devil at
+this sport; I have seen you catch a freshman, for nobody that knew you
+would engage with you." "I have forgot those things now," cried the wit.
+"I believe I could have done pretty well formerly. Let's see, what did I
+end with?--an M again--aye--
+
+    _"'Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, virorum.'_
+
+I could have done it once." "Ah! evil betide you, and so you can now,"
+said the other: "nobody in this country will undertake you." Adams could
+hold no longer: "Friend," said he, "I have a boy not above eight years
+old who would instruct thee that the last verse runs thus:--
+
+    _"'Ut sunt Divorum, Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, virorum.'"_
+
+"I'll hold thee a guinea of that," said the wit, throwing the money on
+the table. "And I'll go your halves," cries the other. "Done," answered
+Adams; but upon applying to his pocket he was forced to retract, and own
+he had no money about him; which set them all a-laughing, and confirmed
+the triumph of his adversary, which was not moderate, any more than the
+approbation he met with from the whole company, who told Adams he must
+go a little longer to school before he attempted to attack that
+gentleman in Latin.
+
+The clerk, having finished the depositions, as well of the fellow
+himself, as of those who apprehended the prisoners, delivered them to
+the justice; who, having sworn the several witnesses without reading a
+syllable, ordered his clerk to make the mittimus.
+
+Adams then said, "He hoped he should not be condemned unheard." "No,
+no," cries the justice, "you will be asked what you have to say for
+yourself when you come on your trial: we are not trying you now; I shall
+only commit you to gaol: if you can prove your innocence at size, you
+will be found ignoramus, and so no harm done." "Is it no punishment,
+sir, for an innocent man to lie several months in gaol?" cries Adams: "I
+beg you would at least hear me before you sign the mittimus." "What
+signifies all you can say?" says the justice: "is it not here in black
+and white against you? I must tell you you are a very impertinent fellow
+to take up so much of my time. So make haste with his mittimus."
+
+The clerk now acquainted the justice that among other suspicious things,
+as a penknife, &c., found in Adams's pocket, they had discovered a book
+written, as he apprehended, in cyphers; for no one could read a word in
+it. "Ay," says the justice, "the fellow may be more than a common
+robber, he may be in a plot against the Government. Produce the book."
+Upon which the poor manuscript of Aeschylus, which Adams had transcribed
+with his own hand, was brought forth; and the justice, looking at it,
+shook his head, and, turning to the prisoner, asked the meaning of those
+cyphers. "Cyphers?" answered Adams, "it is a manuscript of Aeschylus."
+"Who? who?" said the justice. Adams repeated, "Aeschylus." "That is an
+outlandish name," cried the clerk. "A fictitious name rather, I
+believe," said the justice. One of the company declared it looked very
+much like Greek. "Greek?" said the justice; "why, 'tis all writing."
+"No," says the other, "I don't positively say it is so; for it is a very
+long time since I have seen any Greek." "There's one," says he, turning
+to the parson of the parish, who was present, "will tell us
+immediately." The parson, taking up the book, and putting on his
+spectacles and gravity together, muttered some words to himself, and
+then pronounced aloud--"Ay, indeed, it is a Greek manuscript; a very
+fine piece of antiquity. I make no doubt but it was stolen from the same
+clergyman from whom the rogue took the cassock." "What did the rascal
+mean by his Aeschylus?" says the justice. "Pooh!" answered the doctor,
+with a contemptuous grin, "do you think that fellow knows anything of
+this book? Aeschylus! ho! ho! I see now what it is--a manuscript of one
+of the fathers. I know a nobleman who would give a great deal of money
+for such a piece of antiquity. Ay, ay, question and answer. The
+beginning is the catechism in Greek. Ay, ay, _Pollaki toi_: What's your
+name?"--"Ay, what's your name?" says the justice to Adams; who answered,
+"It is Aeschylus, and I will maintain it."--"Oh! it is," says the
+justice: "make Mr Aeschylus his mittimus. I will teach you to banter me
+with a false name."
+
+One of the company, having looked steadfastly at Adams, asked him, "If
+he did not know Lady Booby?" Upon which Adams, presently calling him to
+mind, answered in a rapture, "O squire! are you there? I believe you
+will inform his worship I am innocent."--"I can indeed say," replied the
+squire, "that I am very much surprized to see you in this situation:"
+and then, addressing himself to the justice, he said, "Sir, I assure
+you Mr Adams is a clergyman, as he appears, and a gentleman of a very
+good character. I wish you would enquire a little farther into this
+affair; for I am convinced of his innocence."--"Nay," says the justice,
+"if he is a gentleman, and you are sure he is innocent, I don't desire
+to commit him, not I: I will commit the woman by herself, and take your
+bail for the gentleman: look into the book, clerk, and see how it is to
+take bail--come--and make the mittimus for the woman as fast as you
+can."--"Sir," cries Adams, "I assure you she is as innocent as
+myself."--"Perhaps," said the squire, "there may be some mistake! pray
+let us hear Mr Adams's relation."--"With all my heart," answered the
+justice; "and give the gentleman a glass to wet his whistle before he
+begins. I know how to behave myself to gentlemen as well as another.
+Nobody can say I have committed a gentleman since I have been in the
+commission." Adams then began the narrative, in which, though he was
+very prolix, he was uninterrupted, unless by several hums and hahs of
+the justice, and his desire to repeat those parts which seemed to him
+most material. When he had finished, the justice, who, on what the
+squire had said, believed every syllable of his story on his bare
+affirmation, notwithstanding the depositions on oath to the contrary,
+began to let loose several rogues and rascals against the witness, whom
+he ordered to stand forth, but in vain; the said witness, long since
+finding what turn matters were likely to take, had privily withdrawn,
+without attending the issue. The justice now flew into a violent
+passion, and was hardly prevailed with not to commit the innocent
+fellows who had been imposed on as well as himself. He swore, "They had
+best find out the fellow who was guilty of perjury, and bring him before
+him within two days, or he would bind them all over to their good
+behaviour." They all promised to use their best endeavours to that
+purpose, and were dismissed. Then the justice insisted that Mr Adams
+should sit down and take a glass with him; and the parson of the parish
+delivered him back the manuscript without saying a word; nor would
+Adams, who plainly discerned his ignorance, expose it. As for Fanny, she
+was, at her own request, recommended to the care of a maid-servant of
+the house, who helped her to new dress and clean herself.
+
+The company in the parlour had not been long seated before they were
+alarmed with a horrible uproar from without, where the persons who had
+apprehended Adams and Fanny had been regaling, according to the custom
+of the house, with the justice's strong beer. These were all fallen
+together by the ears, and were cuffing each other without any mercy. The
+justice himself sallied out, and with the dignity of his presence soon
+put an end to the fray. On his return into the parlour, he reported,
+"That the occasion of the quarrel was no other than a dispute to whom,
+if Adams had been convicted, the greater share of the reward for
+apprehending him had belonged." All the company laughed at this, except
+Adams, who, taking his pipe from his mouth, fetched a deep groan, and
+said, "He was concerned to see so litigious a temper in men. That he
+remembered a story something like it in one of the parishes where his
+cure lay:--There was," continued he, "a competition between three young
+fellows for the place of the clerk, which I disposed of, to the best of
+my abilities, according to merit; that is, I gave it to him who had the
+happiest knack at setting a psalm. The clerk was no sooner established
+in his place than a contention began between the two disappointed
+candidates concerning their excellence; each contending on whom, had
+they two been the only competitors, my election would have fallen. This
+dispute frequently disturbed the congregation, and introduced a discord
+into the psalmody, till I was forced to silence them both. But, alas!
+the litigious spirit could not be stifled; and, being no longer able to
+vent itself in singing, it now broke forth in fighting. It produced many
+battles (for they were very near a match), and I believe would have
+ended fatally, had not the death of the clerk given me an opportunity to
+promote one of them to his place; which presently put an end to the
+dispute, and entirely reconciled the contending parties." Adams then
+proceeded to make some philosophical observations on the folly of
+growing warm in disputes in which neither party is interested. He then
+applied himself vigorously to smoaking; and a long silence ensued, which
+was at length broke by the justice, who began to sing forth his own
+praises, and to value himself exceedingly on his nice discernment in the
+cause which had lately been before him. He was quickly interrupted by Mr
+Adams, between whom and his worship a dispute now arose, whether he
+ought not, in strictness of law, to have committed him, the said Adams;
+in which the latter maintained he ought to have been committed, and the
+justice as vehemently held he ought not. This had most probably produced
+a quarrel (for both were very violent and positive in their opinions),
+had not Fanny accidentally heard that a young fellow was going from the
+justice's house to the very inn where the stage-coach in which Joseph
+was, put up. Upon this news, she immediately sent for the parson out of
+the parlour. Adams, when he found her resolute to go (though she would
+not own the reason, but pretended she could not bear to see the faces of
+those who had suspected her of such a crime), was as fully determined to
+go with her; he accordingly took leave of the justice and company: and
+so ended a dispute in which the law seemed shamefully to intend to set a
+magistrate and a divine together by the ears.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+_A very delightful adventure, as well to the persons concerned as to the
+good-natured reader._
+
+
+Adams, Fanny, and the guide, set out together about one in the morning,
+the moon being then just risen. They had not gone above a mile before a
+most violent storm of rain obliged them to take shelter in an inn, or
+rather alehouse, where Adams immediately procured himself a good fire, a
+toast and ale, and a pipe, and began to smoke with great content,
+utterly forgetting everything that had happened.
+
+Fanny sat likewise down by the fire; but was much more impatient at the
+storm. She presently engaged the eyes of the host, his wife, the maid of
+the house, and the young fellow who was their guide; they all conceived
+they had never seen anything half so handsome; and indeed, reader, if
+thou art of an amorous hue, I advise thee to skip over the next
+paragraph; which, to render our history perfect, we are obliged to set
+down, humbly hoping that we may escape the fate of Pygmalion; for if it
+should happen to us, or to thee, to be struck with this picture, we
+should be perhaps in as helpless a condition as Narcissus, and might say
+to ourselves, _Quod petis est nusquam_. Or, if the finest features in it
+should set Lady ----'s image before our eyes, we should be still in as
+bad a situation, and might say to our desires, _Coelum ipsum petimus
+stultitia_.
+
+Fanny was now in the nineteenth year of her age; she was tall and
+delicately shaped; but not one of those slender young women who seem
+rather intended to hang up in the hall of an anatomist than for any
+other purpose. On the contrary, she was so plump that she seemed
+bursting through her tight stays, especially in the part which confined
+her swelling breasts. Nor did her hips want the assistance of a hoop to
+extend them. The exact shape of her arms denoted the form of those limbs
+which she concealed; and though they were a little reddened by her
+labour, yet, if her sleeve slipped above her elbow, or her handkerchief
+discovered any part of her neck, a whiteness appeared which the finest
+Italian paint would be unable to reach. Her hair was of a chesnut brown,
+and nature had been extremely lavish to her of it, which she had cut,
+and on Sundays used to curl down her neck, in the modern fashion. Her
+forehead was high, her eyebrows arched, and rather full than otherwise.
+Her eyes black and sparkling; her nose just inclining to the Roman; her
+lips red and moist, and her underlip, according to the opinion of the
+ladies, too pouting. Her teeth were white, but not exactly even. The
+small-pox had left one only mark on her chin, which was so large, it
+might have been mistaken for a dimple, had not her left cheek produced
+one so near a neighbour to it, that the former served only for a foil to
+the latter. Her complexion was fair, a little injured by the sun, but
+overspread with such a bloom that the finest ladies would have exchanged
+all their white for it: add to these a countenance in which, though she
+was extremely bashful, a sensibility appeared almost incredible; and a
+sweetness, whenever she smiled, beyond either imitation or description.
+To conclude all, she had a natural gentility, superior to the
+acquisition of art, and which surprized all who beheld her.
+
+This lovely creature was sitting by the fire with Adams, when her
+attention was suddenly engaged by a voice from an inner room, which sung
+the following song:--
+
+    THE SONG.
+
+    Say, Chloe, where must the swain stray
+      Who is by thy beauties undone?
+    To wash their remembrance away,
+      To what distant Lethe must run?
+    The wretch who is sentenced to die
+      May escape, and leave justice behind;
+    From his country perhaps he may fly,
+      But oh! can he fly from his mind?
+
+    O rapture! unthought of before,
+      To be thus of Chloe possess'd;
+    Nor she, nor no tyrant's hard power,
+      Her image can tear from my breast.
+    But felt not Narcissus more joy,
+      With his eyes he beheld his loved charms?
+    Yet what he beheld the fond boy
+      More eagerly wish'd in his arms.
+
+    How can it thy dear image be
+      Which fills thus my bosom with woe?
+    Can aught bear resemblance to thee
+      Which grief and not joy can bestow?
+    This counterfeit snatch from my heart,
+      Ye pow'rs, tho' with torment I rave,
+    Tho' mortal will prove the fell smart:
+      I then shall find rest in my grave.
+
+    Ah, see the dear nymph o'er the plain
+      Come smiling and tripping along!
+    A thousand Loves dance in her train,
+      The Graces around her all throng.
+    To meet her soft Zephyrus flies,
+      And wafts all the sweets from the flowers,
+    Ah, rogue I whilst he kisses her eyes,
+      More sweets from her breath he devours.
+
+    My soul, whilst I gaze, is on fire:
+      But her looks were so tender and kind,
+    My hope almost reach'd my desire,
+      And left lame despair far behind.
+    Transported with madness, I flew,
+      And eagerly seized on my bliss;
+    Her bosom but half she withdrew,
+      But half she refused my fond kiss.
+
+    Advances like these made me bold;
+      I whisper'd her--Love, we're alone.--
+    The rest let immortals unfold;
+      No language can tell but their own.
+    Ah, Chloe, expiring, I cried,
+      How long I thy cruelty bore!
+    Ah, Strephon, she blushing replied,
+      You ne'er was so pressing before.
+
+Adams had been ruminating all this time on a passage in Aeschylus,
+without attending in the least to the voice, though one of the most
+melodious that ever was heard, when, casting his eyes on Fanny, he cried
+out, "Bless us, you look extremely pale!"--"Pale! Mr Adams," says she;
+"O Jesus!" and fell backwards in her chair. Adams jumped up, flung his
+Aeschylus into the fire, and fell a-roaring to the people of the house
+for help. He soon summoned every one into the room, and the songster
+among the rest; but, O reader! when this nightingale, who was no other
+than Joseph Andrews himself, saw his beloved Fanny in the situation we
+have described her, canst thou conceive the agitations of his mind? If
+thou canst not, waive that meditation to behold his happiness, when,
+clasping her in his arms, he found life and blood returning into her
+cheeks: when he saw her open her beloved eyes, and heard her with the
+softest accent whisper, "Are you Joseph Andrews?"--"Art thou my Fanny?"
+he answered eagerly: and, pulling her to his heart, he imprinted
+numberless kisses on her lips, without considering who were present.
+
+If prudes are offended at the lusciousness of this picture, they may
+take their eyes off from it, and survey parson Adams dancing about the
+room in a rapture of joy. Some philosophers may perhaps doubt whether he
+was not the happiest of the three: for the goodness of his heart enjoyed
+the blessings which were exulting in the breasts of both the other two,
+together with his own. But we shall leave such disquisitions, as too
+deep for us, to those who are building some favourite hypothesis, which
+they will refuse no metaphysical rubbish to erect and support: for our
+part, we give it clearly on the side of Joseph, whose happiness was not
+only greater than the parson's, but of longer duration: for as soon as
+the first tumults of Adams's rapture were over he cast his eyes towards
+the fire, where Aeschylus lay expiring; and immediately rescued the
+poor remains, to wit, the sheepskin covering, of his dear friend, which
+was the work of his own hands, and had been his inseparable companion
+for upwards of thirty years.
+
+Fanny had no sooner perfectly recovered herself than she began to
+restrain the impetuosity of her transports; and, reflecting on what she
+had done and suffered in the presence of so many, she was immediately
+covered with confusion; and, pushing Joseph gently from her, she begged
+him to be quiet, nor would admit of either kiss or embrace any longer.
+Then, seeing Mrs Slipslop, she curtsied, and offered to advance to her;
+but that high woman would not return her curtsies; but, casting her eyes
+another way, immediately withdrew into another room, muttering, as she
+went, she wondered who the creature was.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+_A dissertation concerning high people and low people, with Mrs
+Slipslop's departure in no very good temper of mind, and the evil plight
+in which she left Adams and his company._
+
+
+It will doubtless seem extremely odd to many readers, that Mrs Slipslop,
+who had lived several years in the same house with Fanny, should, in a
+short separation, utterly forget her. And indeed the truth is, that she
+remembered her very well. As we would not willingly, therefore, that
+anything should appear unnatural in this our history, we will endeavour
+to explain the reasons of her conduct; nor do we doubt being able to
+satisfy the most curious reader that Mrs Slipslop did not in the least
+deviate from the common road in this behaviour; and, indeed, had she
+done otherwise, she must have descended below herself, and would have
+very justly been liable to censure.
+
+Be it known then, that the human species are divided into two sorts of
+people, to wit, high people and low people. As by high people I would
+not be understood to mean persons literally born higher in their
+dimensions than the rest of the species, nor metaphorically those of
+exalted characters or abilities; so by low people I cannot be construed
+to intend the reverse. High people signify no other than people of
+fashion, and low people those of no fashion. Now, this word fashion hath
+by long use lost its original meaning, from which at present it gives us
+a very different idea; for I am deceived if by persons of fashion we do
+not generally include a conception of birth and accomplishments superior
+to the herd of mankind; whereas, in reality, nothing more was originally
+meant by a person of fashion than a person who drest himself in the
+fashion of the times; and the word really and truly signifies no more at
+this day. Now, the world being thus divided into people of fashion and
+people of no fashion, a fierce contention arose between them; nor would
+those of one party, to avoid suspicion, be seen publicly to speak to
+those of the other, though they often held a very good correspondence in
+private. In this contention it is difficult to say which party
+succeeded; for, whilst the people of fashion seized several places to
+their own use, such as courts, assemblies, operas, balls, &c., the
+people of no fashion, besides one royal place, called his Majesty's
+Bear-garden, have been in constant possession of all hops, fairs,
+revels, &c. Two places have been agreed to be divided between them,
+namely, the church and the playhouse, where they segregate themselves
+from each other in a remarkable manner; for, as the people of fashion
+exalt themselves at church over the heads of the people of no fashion,
+so in the playhouse they abase themselves in the same degree under
+their feet. This distinction I have never met with any one able to
+account for: it is sufficient that, so far from looking on each other as
+brethren in the Christian language, they seem scarce to regard each
+other as of the same species. This, the terms "strange persons, people
+one does not know, the creature, wretches, beasts, brutes," and many
+other appellations evidently demonstrate; which Mrs Slipslop, having
+often heard her mistress use, thought she had also a right to use in her
+turn; and perhaps she was not mistaken; for these two parties,
+especially those bordering nearly on each other, to wit, the lowest of
+the high, and the highest of the low, often change their parties
+according to place and time; for those who are people of fashion in one
+place are often people of no fashion in another. And with regard to
+time, it may not be unpleasant to survey the picture of dependance like
+a kind of ladder; as, for instance; early in the morning arises the
+postillion, or some other boy, which great families, no more than great
+ships, are without, and falls to brushing the clothes and cleaning the
+shoes of John the footman; who, being drest himself, applies his hands
+to the same labours for Mr Second-hand, the squire's gentleman; the
+gentleman in the like manner, a little later in the day, attends the
+squire; the squire is no sooner equipped than he attends the levee of my
+lord; which is no sooner over than my lord himself is seen at the levee
+of the favourite, who, after the hour of homage is at an end, appears
+himself to pay homage to the levee of his sovereign. Nor is there,
+perhaps, in this whole ladder of dependance, any one step at a greater
+distance from the other than the first from the second; so that to a
+philosopher the question might only seem, whether you would chuse to be
+a great man at six in the morning, or at two in the afternoon. And yet
+there are scarce two of these who do not think the least familiarity
+with the persons below them a condescension, and, if they were to go one
+step farther, a degradation.
+
+And now, reader, I hope thou wilt pardon this long digression, which
+seemed to me necessary to vindicate the great character of Mrs Slipslop
+from what low people, who have never seen high people, might think an
+absurdity; but we who know them must have daily found very high persons
+know us in one place and not in another, to-day and not to-morrow; all
+which it is difficult to account for otherwise than I have here
+endeavoured; and perhaps, if the gods, according to the opinion of some,
+made men only to laugh at them, there is no part of our behaviour which
+answers the end of our creation better than this.
+
+But to return to our history: Adams, who knew no more of this than the
+cat which sat on the table, imagining Mrs Slipslop's memory had been
+much worse than it really was, followed her into the next room, crying
+out, "Madam Slipslop, here is one of your old acquaintance; do but see
+what a fine woman she is grown since she left Lady Booby's service."--"I
+think I reflect something of her," answered she, with great dignity,
+"but I can't remember all the inferior servants in our family." She then
+proceeded to satisfy Adams's curiosity, by telling him, "When she
+arrived at the inn, she found a chaise ready for her; that, her lady
+being expected very shortly in the country, she was obliged to make the
+utmost haste; and, in commensuration of Joseph's lameness, she had taken
+him with her;" and lastly, "that the excessive virulence of the storm
+had driven them into the house where he found them." After which, she
+acquainted Adams with his having left his horse, and exprest some wonder
+at his having strayed so far out of his way, and at meeting him, as she
+said, "in the company of that wench, who she feared was no better than
+she should be."
+
+The horse was no sooner put into Adams's head but he was immediately
+driven out by this reflection on the character of Fanny. He protested,
+"He believed there was not a chaster damsel in the universe. I heartily
+wish, I heartily wish," cried he (snapping his fingers), "that all her
+betters were as good." He then proceeded to inform her of the accident
+of their meeting; but when he came to mention the circumstance of
+delivering her from the rape, she said, "She thought him properer for
+the army than the clergy; that it did not become a clergyman to lay
+violent hands on any one; that he should have rather prayed that she
+might be strengthened." Adams said, "He was very far from being ashamed
+of what he had done:" she replied, "Want of shame was not the
+currycuristic of a clergyman." This dialogue might have probably grown
+warmer, had not Joseph opportunely entered the room, to ask leave of
+Madam Slipslop to introduce Fanny: but she positively refused to admit
+any such trollops, and told him, "She would have been burnt before she
+would have suffered him to get into a chaise with her, if she had once
+respected him of having his sluts waylaid on the road for him;" adding,
+"that Mr Adams acted a very pretty part, and she did not doubt but to
+see him a bishop." He made the best bow he could, and cried out, "I
+thank you, madam, for that right-reverend appellation, which I shall
+take all honest means to deserve."-"Very honest means," returned she,
+with a sneer, "to bring people together." At these words Adams took two
+or three strides across the room, when the coachman came to inform Mrs
+Slipslop, "That the storm was over, and the moon shone very bright." She
+then sent for Joseph, who was sitting without with his Fanny, and would
+have had him gone with her; but he peremptorily refused to leave Fanny
+behind, which threw the good woman into a violent rage. She said, "She
+would inform her lady what doings were carrying on, and did not doubt
+but she would rid the parish of all such people;" and concluded a long
+speech, full of bitterness and very hard words, with some reflections on
+the clergy not decent to repeat; at last, finding Joseph unmoveable, she
+flung herself into the chaise, casting a look at Fanny as she went, not
+unlike that which Cleopatra gives Octavia in the play. To say the truth,
+she was most disagreeably disappointed by the presence of Fanny: she
+had, from her first seeing Joseph at the inn, conceived hopes of
+something which might have been accomplished at an alehouse as well as a
+palace. Indeed, it is probable Mr Adams had rescued more than Fanny from
+the clanger of a rape that evening.
+
+When the chaise had carried off the enraged Slipslop, Adams, Joseph, and
+Fanny assembled over the fire, where they had a great deal of innocent
+chat, pretty enough; but, as possibly it would not be very entertaining
+to the reader, we shall hasten to the morning; only observing that none
+of them went to bed that night. Adams, when he had smoaked three pipes,
+took a comfortable nap in a great chair, and left the lovers, whose eyes
+were too well employed to permit any desire of shutting them, to enjoy
+by themselves, during some hours, an happiness which none of my readers
+who have never been in love are capable of the least conception of,
+though we had as many tongues as Homer desired, to describe it with, and
+which all true lovers will represent to their own minds without the
+least assistance from us.
+
+Let it suffice then to say, that Fanny, after a thousand entreaties, at
+last gave up her whole soul to Joseph; and, almost fainting in his arms,
+with a sigh infinitely softer and sweeter too than any Arabian breeze,
+she whispered to his lips, which were then close to hers, "O Joseph,
+you have won me: I will be yours for ever." Joseph, having thanked
+her on his knees, and embraced her with an eagerness which she now
+almost returned, leapt up in a rapture, and awakened the parson,
+earnestly begging him "that he would that instant join their hands
+together." Adams rebuked him for his request, and told him "He would by
+no means consent to anything contrary to the forms of the Church; that
+he had no licence, nor indeed would he advise him to obtain one; that
+the Church had prescribed a form--namely, the publication of banns--with
+which all good Christians ought to comply, and to the omission of which
+he attributed the many miseries which befell great folks in marriage;"
+concluding, "As many as are joined together otherwise than G--'s word
+doth allow are not joined together by G--, neither is their matrimony
+lawful." Fanny agreed with the parson, saying to Joseph, with a blush,
+"She assured him she would not consent to any such thing, and that she
+wondered at his offering it." In which resolution she was comforted and
+commended by Adams; and Joseph was obliged to wait patiently till after
+the third publication of the banns, which, however, he obtained the
+consent of Fanny, in the presence of Adams, to put in at their arrival.
+
+The sun had been now risen some hours, when Joseph, finding his leg
+surprizingly recovered, proposed to walk forwards; but when they were
+all ready to set out, an accident a little retarded them. This was no
+other than the reckoning, which amounted to seven shillings; no great
+sum if we consider the immense quantity of ale which Mr Adams poured in.
+Indeed, they had no objection to the reasonableness of the bill, but
+many to the probability of paying it; for the fellow who had taken poor
+Fanny's purse had unluckily forgot to return it. So that the account
+stood thus:--
+
+                                   L S D
+        Mr Adams and company, Dr.  0 7 0
+
+        In Mr Adams's pocket       0 0 6 1/2
+        In Mr Joseph's             0 0 0
+        In Mrs Fanny's             0 0 0
+
+          Balance                  0 6 5 1/2
+
+They stood silent some few minutes, staring at each other, when Adams
+whipt out on his toes, and asked the hostess, "If there was no clergyman
+in that parish?" She answered, "There was."--"Is he wealthy?" replied
+he; to which she likewise answered in the affirmative. Adams then
+snapping his fingers returned overjoyed to his companions, crying out,
+"Heureka, Heureka;" which not being understood, he told them in plain
+English, "They need give themselves no trouble, for he had a brother in
+the parish who would defray the reckoning, and that he would just step
+to his house and fetch the money, and return to them instantly."
+
+
+
+END OF VOL. I
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Joseph Andrews Vol 1, by Henry Fielding
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS VOL 1 ***
+
+This file should be named 7jan110.txt or 7jan110.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7jan111.txt
+VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7jan110a.txt
+
+Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we usually do not
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance
+of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing.
+Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections,
+even years after the official publication date.
+
+Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til
+midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement.
+The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at
+Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month.  A
+preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment
+and editing by those who wish to do so.
+
+Most people start at our Web sites at:
+http://gutenberg.net or
+http://promo.net/pg
+
+These Web sites include award-winning information about Project
+Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new
+eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!).
+
+
+Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement
+can get to them as follows, and just download by date.  This is
+also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the
+indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an
+announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter.
+
+http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or
+ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03
+
+Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90
+
+Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want,
+as it appears in our Newsletters.
+
+
+Information about Project Gutenberg (one page)
+
+We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work.  The
+time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours
+to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright
+searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc.   Our
+projected audience is one hundred million readers.  If the value
+per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2
+million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text
+files per month:  1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+
+We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002
+If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total
+will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end.
+
+The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks!
+This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers,
+which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users.
+
+Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated):
+
+eBooks Year Month
+
+    1  1971 July
+   10  1991 January
+  100  1994 January
+ 1000  1997 August
+ 1500  1998 October
+ 2000  1999 December
+ 2500  2000 December
+ 3000  2001 November
+ 4000  2001 October/November
+ 6000  2002 December*
+ 9000  2003 November*
+10000  2004 January*
+
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created
+to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people
+and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut,
+Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois,
+Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts,
+Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New
+Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio,
+Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South
+Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West
+Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
+
+We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones
+that have responded.
+
+As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list
+will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states.
+Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state.
+
+In answer to various questions we have received on this:
+
+We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally
+request donations in all 50 states.  If your state is not listed and
+you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have,
+just ask.
+
+While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are
+not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting
+donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to
+donate.
+
+International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about
+how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made
+deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are
+ways.
+
+Donations by check or money order may be sent to:
+
+Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+PMB 113
+1739 University Ave.
+Oxford, MS 38655-4109
+
+Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment
+method other than by check or money order.
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by
+the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN
+[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154.  Donations are
+tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law.  As fund-raising
+requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be
+made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+You can get up to date donation information online at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html
+
+
+***
+
+If you can't reach Project Gutenberg,
+you can always email directly to:
+
+Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com>
+
+Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message.
+
+We would prefer to send you information by email.
+
+
+**The Legal Small Print**
+
+
+(Three Pages)
+
+***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START***
+Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers.
+They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with
+your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from
+someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our
+fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement
+disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how
+you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to.
+
+*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK
+By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm
+eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept
+this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive
+a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by
+sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person
+you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical
+medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request.
+
+ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS
+This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks,
+is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart
+through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project").
+Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright
+on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and
+distribute it in the United States without permission and
+without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth
+below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook
+under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.
+
+Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market
+any commercial products without permission.
+
+To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable
+efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain
+works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any
+medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other
+things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
+intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged
+disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer
+codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.
+
+LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES
+But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below,
+[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may
+receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims
+all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including
+legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR
+UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT,
+INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE
+OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE
+POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.
+
+If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of
+receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any)
+you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that
+time to the person you received it from. If you received it
+on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and
+such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement
+copy. If you received it electronically, such person may
+choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to
+receive it electronically.
+
+THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS
+TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT
+LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A
+PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
+
+Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or
+the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the
+above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you
+may have other legal rights.
+
+INDEMNITY
+You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation,
+and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated
+with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm
+texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including
+legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the
+following that you do or cause:  [1] distribution of this eBook,
+[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook,
+or [3] any Defect.
+
+DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm"
+You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by
+disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this
+"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg,
+or:
+
+[1]  Only give exact copies of it.  Among other things, this
+     requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the
+     eBook or this "small print!" statement.  You may however,
+     if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable
+     binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form,
+     including any form resulting from conversion by word
+     processing or hypertext software, but only so long as
+     *EITHER*:
+
+     [*]  The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and
+          does *not* contain characters other than those
+          intended by the author of the work, although tilde
+          (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may
+          be used to convey punctuation intended by the
+          author, and additional characters may be used to
+          indicate hypertext links; OR
+
+     [*]  The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at
+          no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent
+          form by the program that displays the eBook (as is
+          the case, for instance, with most word processors);
+          OR
+
+     [*]  You provide, or agree to also provide on request at
+          no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the
+          eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC
+          or other equivalent proprietary form).
+
+[2]  Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this
+     "Small Print!" statement.
+
+[3]  Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the
+     gross profits you derive calculated using the method you
+     already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  If you
+     don't derive profits, no royalty is due.  Royalties are
+     payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation"
+     the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were
+     legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent
+     periodic) tax return.  Please contact us beforehand to
+     let us know your plans and to work out the details.
+
+WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
+Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of
+public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed
+in machine readable form.
+
+The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time,
+public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses.
+Money should be paid to the:
+"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or
+software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at:
+hart@pobox.com
+
+[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only
+when distributed free of all fees.  Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by
+Michael S. Hart.  Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be
+used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be
+they hardware or software or any other related product without
+express permission.]
+
+*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END*
+
diff --git a/old/7jan110.zip b/old/7jan110.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f2db360
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/7jan110.zip
diff --git a/old/8jan110.txt b/old/8jan110.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8b52e22
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/8jan110.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,6531 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Joseph Andrews Vol 1, by Henry Fielding
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
+Gutenberg file.  Please do not remove it.  Do not change or edit the
+header without written permission.
+
+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
+eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file.  Included is
+important information about your specific rights and restrictions in
+how the file may be used.  You can also find out about how to make a
+donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved.
+
+
+**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**
+
+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Joseph Andrews Vol. 1
+
+Author: Henry Fielding
+
+Release Date: January, 2006 [EBook #9611]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 9, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS VOL. 1 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+THE WORKS OF HENRY FIELDING
+
+EDITED BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY
+
+IN TWELVE VOLUMES
+
+VOL. I.
+
+
+
+JOSEPH ANDREWS
+
+VOL. I.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+  INTRODUCTION.
+
+  PREFACE.
+
+  BOOK I.
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+  _Of writing lives in general, and particularly of Pamela, with a word
+  by the bye of Colley Cibber and others_
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+  _Of Mr Joseph Andrews, his birth, parentage, education, and great
+  endowments, with a word or two concerning ancestors_
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+  _Of Mr Abraham Adams the curate, Mrs Slipslop the chambermaid, and
+  others_
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+  _What happened after their journey to London_
+
+  CHAPTER V.
+  _The death of Sir Thomas Booby, with the affectionate and mournful
+  behaviour of his widow, and the great purity of Joseph Andrews_
+
+  CHAPTER VI.
+  _How Joseph Andrews writ a letter to his sister Pamela_
+
+  CHAPTER VII.
+  _Sayings of wise men. A dialogue between the lady and her maid; and
+  a panegyric, or rather satire, on the passion of love, in the sublime
+  style_
+
+  CHAPTER VIII.
+  _In which, after some very fine writing, the history goes on, and
+  relates the interview between the lady and Joseph; where the latter
+  hath set an example which we despair of seeing followed by his sex in
+  this vicious age_
+
+  CHAPTER IX.
+  _What passed between the lady and Mrs Slipslop; in which we prophesy
+  there are some strokes which every one will not truly comprehend at
+  the first reading_
+
+  CHAPTER X.
+  _Joseph writes another letter; his transactions with Mr Peter Pounce,
+  &c., with his departure from Lady Booby_
+
+  CHAPTER XI.
+  _Of several new matters not expected_
+
+  CHAPTER XII.
+  _Containing many surprizing adventures which Joseph Andrews met with
+  on the road, scarce credible to those who have never travelled in a
+  stage-coach_
+
+  CHAPTER XIII.
+  _What happened to Joseph during his sickness at the inn, with the
+  curious discourse between him and Mr Barnabas, the parson of the
+  parish_
+
+  CHAPTER XIV.
+  _Being very full of adventures which succeeded each other at the inn_
+
+  CHAPTER XV.
+  _Showing how Mrs Tow-wouse was a little mollified; and how officious
+  Mr Barnabas and the surgeon were to prosecute the thief: with a
+  dissertation accounting for their zeal, and that of many other
+  persons not mentioned in this history_
+
+  CHAPTER XVI.
+  _The escape of the thief. Mr Adams's disappointment. The arrival of
+  two very extraordinary personages, and the introduction of parson
+  Adams to parson Barnabas_
+
+  CHAPTER XVII.
+  _A pleasant discourse between the two parsons and the bookseller,
+  which was broke off by an unlucky accident happening in the inn,
+  which produced a dialogue between Mrs Tow-wouse and her maid of no
+  gentle kind._
+
+  CHAPTER XVIII.
+  _The history of Betty the chambermaid, and an account of what
+  occasioned the violent scene in the preceding chapter_
+
+
+  BOOK II.
+
+  CHAPTER I.
+  _Of Divisions in Authors_
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+  _A surprizing instance of Mr Adams's short memory, with the
+  unfortunate consequences which it brought on Joseph_
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+  _The opinion of two lawyers concerning the same gentleman, with Mr
+  Adams's inquiry into the religion of his host_
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+  _The history of Leonora, or the unfortunate jilt_
+
+  CHAPTER V.
+  _A dreadful quarrel which happened at the inn where the company
+  dined, with its bloody consequences to Mr Adams_
+
+  CHAPTER VI.
+  _Conclusion of the unfortunate jilt_
+
+  CHAPTER VII.
+  _A very short chapter, in which parson Adams went a great way_
+
+  CHAPTER VIII.
+  _A notable dissertation by Mr Abraham Adams; wherein that gentleman
+  appears in a political light_
+
+  CHAPTER IX.
+  _In which the gentleman discants on bravery and heroic virtue, till
+  an unlucky accident puts an end to the discourse_
+
+  CHAPTER X.
+  _Giving an account of the strange catastrophe of the preceding
+  adventure, which drew poor Adams into fresh calamities; and who the
+  woman was who owed the preservation of her chastity to his victorious
+  arm_
+
+  CHAPTER XI.
+  _What happened to them while before the justice. A chapter very full
+  of learning_
+
+  CHAPTER XII.
+  _A very delightful adventure, as well to the persons concerned as to
+  the good-natured reader_
+
+  CHAPTER XIII.
+  _A dissertation concerning high people and low people, with Mrs
+  Slipslop's departure in no very good temper of mind, and the evil
+  plight in which she left Adams and his company_
+
+
+  LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
+
+
+  PORTRAIT OF FIELDING, FROM BUST IN THE SHIRE HALL, TAUNTON
+  "JOSEPH, I AM SORRY TO HEAR SUCH COMPLAINTS AGAINST YOU"
+  THE HOSTLER PRESENTED HIM A BILL
+  JOSEPH THANKED HER ON HIS KNEES
+
+
+
+
+GENERAL INTRODUCTION.
+
+
+There are few amusements more dangerous for an author than the
+indulgence in ironic descriptions of his own work. If the irony is
+depreciatory, posterity is but too likely to say, "Many a true word is
+spoken in jest;" if it is encomiastic, the same ruthless and ungrateful
+critic is but too likely to take it as an involuntary confession of
+folly and vanity. But when Fielding, in one of his serio-comic
+introductions to _Tom Jones_, described it as "this prodigious work," he
+all unintentionally (for he was the least pretentious of men)
+anticipated the verdict which posterity almost at once, and with
+ever-increasing suffrage of the best judges as time went on, was about
+to pass not merely upon this particular book, but upon his whole genius
+and his whole production as a novelist. His work in other kinds is of a
+very different order of excellence. It is sufficiently interesting at
+times in itself; and always more than sufficiently interesting as his;
+for which reasons, as well as for the further one that it is
+comparatively little known, a considerable selection from it is offered
+to the reader in the last two volumes of this edition. Until the present
+occasion (which made it necessary that I should acquaint myself with
+it) I own that my own knowledge of these miscellaneous writings was by
+no means thorough. It is now pretty complete; but the idea which I
+previously had of them at first and second hand, though a little
+improved, has not very materially altered. Though in all this hack-work
+Fielding displayed, partially and at intervals, the same qualities which
+he displayed eminently and constantly in the four great books here
+given, he was not, as the French idiom expresses it, _dans son
+assiette_, in his own natural and impregnable disposition and situation
+of character and ability, when he was occupied on it. The novel was for
+him that _assiette_; and all his novels are here.
+
+Although Henry Fielding lived in quite modern times, although by family
+and connections he was of a higher rank than most men of letters, and
+although his genius was at once recognised by his contemporaries so soon
+as it displayed itself in its proper sphere, his biography until very
+recently was by no means full; and the most recent researches, including
+those of Mr Austin Dobson--a critic unsurpassed for combination of
+literary faculty and knowledge of the eighteenth century--have not
+altogether sufficed to fill up the gaps. His family, said to have
+descended from a member of the great house of Hapsburg who came to
+England in the reign of Henry II., distinguished itself in the Wars of
+the Roses, and in the seventeenth century was advanced to the peerages
+of Denbigh in England and (later) of Desmond in Ireland. The novelist
+was the grandson of John Fielding, Canon of Salisbury, the fifth son of
+the first Earl of Desmond of this creation. The canon's third son,
+Edmond, entered the army, served under Marlborough, and married Sarah
+Gold or Gould, daughter of a judge of the King's Bench. Their eldest son
+was Henry, who was born on April 22, 1707, and had an uncertain number
+of brothers and sisters of the whole blood. After his first wife's
+death, General Fielding (for he attained that rank) married again. The
+most remarkable offspring of the first marriage, next to Henry, was his
+sister Sarah, also a novelist, who wrote David Simple; of the second,
+John, afterwards Sir John Fielding, who, though blind, succeeded his
+half-brother as a Bow Street magistrate, and in that office combined an
+equally honourable record with a longer tenure.
+
+Fielding was born at Sharpham Park in Somersetshire, the seat of his
+maternal grandfather; but most of his early youth was spent at East
+Stour in Dorsetshire, to which his father removed after the judge's
+death. He is said to have received his first education under a parson of
+the neighbourhood named Oliver, in whom a very uncomplimentary tradition
+sees the original of Parson Trulliber. He was then certainly sent to
+Eton, where he did not waste his time as regards learning, and made
+several valuable friends. But the dates of his entering and leaving
+school are alike unknown; and his subsequent sojourn at Leyden for two
+years--though there is no reason to doubt it--depends even less upon
+any positive documentary evidence. This famous University still had a
+great repute as a training school in law, for which profession he was
+intended; but the reason why he did not receive the even then far more
+usual completion of a public school education by a sojourn at Oxford or
+Cambridge may be suspected to be different. It may even have had
+something to do with a curious escapade of his about which not very much
+is known--an attempt to carry off a pretty heiress of Lyme, named
+Sarah Andrew.
+
+Even at Leyden, however, General Fielding seems to have been unable or
+unwilling to pay his son's expenses, which must have been far less there
+than at an English University; and Henry's return to London in 1728-29
+is said to have been due to sheer impecuniosity. When he returned to
+England, his father was good enough to make him an allowance of L200
+nominal, which appears to have been equivalent to L0 actual. And as
+practically nothing is known of him for the next six or seven years,
+except the fact of his having worked industriously enough at a large
+number of not very good plays of the lighter kind, with a few poems and
+miscellanies, it is reasonably enough supposed that he lived by his pen.
+The only product of this period which has kept (or indeed which ever
+received) competent applause is _Tom Thumb, or the Tragedy of
+Tragedies_, a following of course of the _Rehearsal_, but full of humour
+and spirit. The most successful of his other dramatic works were the
+_Mock Doctor_ and the _Miser_, adaptations of Moliere's famous pieces.
+His undoubted connection with the stage, and the fact of the
+contemporary existence of a certain Timothy Fielding, helped suggestions
+of less dignified occupations as actor, booth-keeper, and so forth; but
+these have long been discredited and indeed disproved.
+
+In or about 1735, when Fielding was twenty-eight, we find him in a new,
+a more brilliant and agreeable, but even a more transient phase. He had
+married (we do not know when or where) Miss Charlotte Cradock, one of
+three sisters who lived at Salisbury (it is to be observed that
+Fielding's entire connections, both in life and letters, are with the
+Western Counties and London), who were certainly of competent means, and
+for whose alleged illegitimacy there is no evidence but an unsupported
+fling of that old maid of genius, Richardson. The descriptions both of
+Sophia and of Amelia are said to have been taken from this lady; her
+good looks and her amiability are as well established as anything of the
+kind can be in the absence of photographs and affidavits; and it is
+certain that her husband was passionately attached to her, during their
+too short married life. His method, however, of showing his affection
+smacked in some ways too much of the foibles which he has attributed to
+Captain Booth, and of those which we must suspect Mr Thomas Jones would
+also have exhibited, if he had not been adopted as Mr Allworthy's heir,
+and had not had Mr Western's fortune to share and look forward to. It is
+true that grave breaches have been made by recent criticism in the very
+picturesque and circumstantial story told on the subject by Murphy, the
+first of Fielding's biographers. This legend was that Fielding, having
+succeeded by the death of his mother to a small estate at East Stour,
+worth about L200 a year, and having received L1500 in ready money as his
+wife's fortune, got through the whole in three years by keeping open
+house, with a large retinue in "costly yellow liveries," and so forth.
+In details, this story has been simply riddled. His mother had died long
+before; he was certainly not away from London three years, or anything
+like it; and so forth. At the same time, the best and soberest judges
+agree that there is an intrinsic probability, a consensus (if a vague
+one) of tradition, and a chain of almost unmistakably personal
+references in the novels, which plead for a certain amount of truth, at
+the bottom of a much embellished legend. At any rate, if Fielding
+established himself in the country, it was not long before he returned
+to town; for early in 1736 we find him back again, and not merely a
+playwright, but lessee of the "Little Theatre" in the Haymarket. The
+plays which he produced here--satirico-political pieces, such as
+_Pasquin_ and the _Historical Register_--were popular enough, but
+offended the Government; and in 1737 a new bill regulating theatrical
+performances, and instituting the Lord Chamberlain's control, was
+passed. This measure put an end directly to the "Great Mogul's Company,"
+as Fielding had called his troop, and indirectly to its manager's career
+as a playwright. He did indeed write a few pieces in future years, but
+they were of the smallest importance.
+
+After this check he turned at last to a serious profession, entered
+himself of the Middle Temple in November of the same year, and was
+called three years later; but during these years, and indeed for some
+time afterwards, our information about him is still of the vaguest
+character. Nobody doubts that he had a large share in the _Champion_, an
+essay-periodical on the usual eighteenth-century model, which began to
+appear in 1739, and which is still occasionally consulted for the work
+that is certainly or probably his. He went the Western Circuit, and
+attended the Wiltshire Sessions, after he was called, giving up his
+contributions to periodicals soon after that event. But he soon returned
+to literature proper, or rather made his _debut_ in it, with the
+immortal book now republished. The _History of the Adventures of Joseph
+Andrews, and his Friend Mr Abraham Adams_, appeared in February 1742,
+and its author received from Andrew Millar, the publisher, the sum of
+L183, 11s. Even greater works have fetched much smaller sums; but it
+will be admitted that _Joseph Andrews_ was not dear.
+
+The advantage, however, of presenting a survey of an author's life
+uninterrupted by criticism is so clear, that what has to be said about
+_Joseph_ may be conveniently postponed for the moment. Immediately after
+its publication the author fell back upon miscellaneous writing, and in
+the next year (1743) collected and issued three volumes of
+_Miscellanies_. In the two first volumes the only thing of much interest
+is the unfinished and unequal, but in part powerful, _Journey from this
+World to the Next_, an attempt of a kind which Fontenelle and others,
+following Lucian, had made very popular with the time. But the third
+volume of the _Miscellanies_ deserved a less modest and gregarious
+appearance, for it contained, and is wholly occupied by, the wonderful
+and terrible satire of _Jonathan Wild_, the greatest piece of pure irony
+in English out of Swift. Soon after the publication of the book, a great
+calamity came on Fielding. His wife had been very ill when he wrote the
+preface; soon afterwards she was dead. They had taken the chance, had
+made the choice, that the more prudent and less wise student-hero and
+heroine of Mr Browning's _Youth and Art_ had shunned; they had no doubt
+"sighed deep, laughed free, Starved, feasted, despaired," and we need
+not question, that they had also "been happy."
+
+Except this sad event and its rather incongruous sequel, Fielding's
+marriage to his wife's maid Mary Daniel--a marriage, however, which did
+not take place till full four years later, and which by all accounts
+supplied him with a faithful and excellent companion and nurse, and his
+children with a kind stepmother--little or nothing is again known of
+this elusive man of genius between the publication of the _Miscellanies_
+in 1743, and that of _Tom Jones_ in 1749. The second marriage itself in
+November 1747; an interview which Joseph Warton had with him rather more
+than a year earlier (one of the very few direct interviews we have); the
+publication of two anti-Jacobite newspapers (Fielding was always a
+strong Whig and Hanoverian), called the _True Patriot_ and the
+_Jacobite's Journal_ in 1745 and the following years; some indistinct
+traditions about residences at Twickenham and elsewhere, and some, more
+precise but not much more authenticated, respecting patronage by the
+Duke of Bedford, Mr Lyttelton, Mr Allen, and others, pretty well sum up
+the whole.
+
+_Tom Jones_ was published in February (a favourite month with Fielding
+or his publisher Millar) 1749; and as it brought him the, for those
+days, very considerable sum of L600 to which Millar added another
+hundred later, the novelist must have been, for a time at any rate,
+relieved from his chronic penury. But he had already, by Lyttelton's
+interest, secured his first and last piece of preferment, being made
+Justice of the Peace for Westminster, an office on which he entered with
+characteristic vigour. He was qualified for it not merely by a solid
+knowledge of the law, and by great natural abilities, but by his
+thorough kindness of heart; and, perhaps, it may also be added, by his
+long years of queer experience on (as Mr Carlyle would have said) the
+"burning marl" of the London Bohemia. Very shortly afterwards he was
+chosen Chairman of Quarter Sessions, and established himself in Bow
+Street. The Bow Street magistrate of that time occupied a most singular
+position, and was more like a French Prefect of Police or even a
+Minister of Public Safety than a mere justice. Yet he was ill paid.
+Fielding says that the emoluments, which before his accession had but
+been L500 a year of "dirty" money, were by his own action but L300 of
+clean; and the work, if properly performed, was very severe.
+
+That he performed it properly all competent evidence shows, a foolish,
+inconclusive, and I fear it must be said emphatically snobbish story of
+Walpole's notwithstanding. In particular, he broke up a gang of
+cut-throat thieves, which had been the terror of London. But his tenure
+of the post was short enough, and scarcely extended to five years. His
+health had long been broken, and he was now constantly attacked by gout,
+so that he had frequently to retreat on Bath from Bow Street, or his
+suburban cottage of Fordhook, Ealing. But he did not relax his literary
+work. His pen was active with pamphlets concerning his office; _Amelia_,
+his last novel, appeared towards the close of 1751; and next year saw
+the beginning of a new paper, the _Covent Garden Journal_, which
+appeared twice a week, ran for the greater part of the year, and died in
+November. Its great author did not see that month twice again. In the
+spring of 1753 he grew worse; and after a year's struggle with ill
+health, hard work, and hard weather, lesser measures being pronounced
+useless, was persuaded to try the "Portugal Voyage," of which he has
+left so charming a record in the _Journey to Lisbon_. He left Fordhook
+on June 26, 1754, reached Lisbon in August, and, dying there on the 8th
+of October, was buried in the cemetery of the Estrella.
+
+Of not many writers perhaps does a clearer notion, as far as their
+personality goes, exist in the general mind that interests itself at all
+in literature than of Fielding. Yet more than once a warning has been
+sounded, especially by his best and most recent biographer, to the
+effect that this idea is founded upon very little warranty of scripture.
+The truth is, that as the foregoing record--which, brief as it is, is a
+sufficiently faithful summary--will have shown, we know very little
+about Fielding. We have hardly any letters of his, and so lack the best
+by far and the most revealing of all character-portraits; we have but
+one important autobiographic fragment, and though that is of the highest
+interest and value, it was written far in the valley of the shadow of
+death, it is not in the least retrospective, and it affords but dim and
+inferential light on his younger, healthier, and happier days and ways.
+He came, moreover, just short of one set of men of letters, of whom we
+have a great deal of personal knowledge, and just beyond another. He was
+neither of those about Addison, nor of those about Johnson. No intimate
+friend of his has left us anything elaborate about him. On the other
+hand, we have a far from inconsiderable body of documentary evidence, of
+a kind often by no means trustworthy. The best part of it is contained
+in the letters of his cousin, Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, and the
+reminiscences or family traditions of her grand-daughter, Lady Louisa
+Stuart. But Lady Mary, vivacious and agreeable as she is, had with all
+her talent a very considerable knack of writing for effect, of drawing
+strong contrasts and the like; and it is not quite certain that she saw
+very much of Fielding in the last and most interesting third of his
+life. Another witness, Horace Walpole, to less knowledge and equally
+dubious accuracy, added decided ill-will, which may have been due partly
+to the shrinking of a dilettante and a fop from a burly Bohemian; but I
+fear is also consequent upon the fact that Horace could not afford to
+despise Fielding's birth, and knew him to be vastly his own superior in
+genius. We hear something of him again from Richardson; and Richardson
+hated him with the hatred of dissimilar genius, of inferior social
+position, and, lastly, of the cat for the dog who touzles and worries
+her. Johnson partly inherited or shared Richardson's aversion, partly
+was blinded to Fielding's genius by his aggressive Whiggery. I fear,
+too, that he was incapable of appreciating it for reasons other than
+political. It is certain that Johnson, sane and robust as he was, was
+never quite at ease before genius of the gigantic kind, either in dead
+or living. Whether he did not like to have to look up too much, or was
+actually unable to do so, it is certain that Shakespeare, Milton,
+Swift, and Fielding, those four Atlantes of English verse and prose, all
+affected him with lukewarm admiration, or with positive dislike, for
+which it is vain to attempt to assign any uniform secondary cause,
+political or other. It may be permitted to hint another reason. All
+Johnson's most sharp-sighted critics have noticed, though most have
+discreetly refrained from insisting on, his "thorn-in-the-flesh," the
+combination in him of very strong physical passions with the deepest
+sense of the moral and religious duty of abstinence. It is perhaps
+impossible to imagine anything more distasteful to a man so buffeted,
+than the extreme indulgence with which Fielding regards, and the easy
+freedom, not to say gusto, with which he depicts, those who succumb to
+similar temptation. Only by supposing the workings of some subtle
+influence of this kind is it possible to explain, even in so capricious
+a humour as Johnson's, the famous and absurd application of the term
+"barren rascal" to a writer who, dying almost young, after having for
+many years lived a life of pleasure, and then for four or five one of
+laborious official duty, has left work anything but small in actual
+bulk, and fertile with the most luxuriant growth of intellectual
+originality.
+
+Partly on the _obiter dicta_ of persons like these, partly on the still
+more tempting and still more treacherous ground of indications drawn
+from his works, a Fielding of fantasy has been constructed, which in
+Thackeray's admirable sketch attains real life and immortality as a
+creature of art, but which possesses rather dubious claims as a
+historical character. It is astonishing how this Fielding of fantasy
+sinks and shrivels when we begin to apply the horrid tests of criticism
+to his component parts. The _eidolon_, with inked ruffles and a towel
+round his head, sits in the Temple and dashes off articles for the
+_Covent Garden Journal_; then comes Criticism, hellish maid, and reminds
+us that when the _Covent Garden Journal_ appeared, Fielding's wild oats,
+if ever sown at all, had been sown long ago; that he was a busy
+magistrate and householder in Bow Street; and that, if he had towels
+round his head, it was probably less because he had exceeded in liquor
+than because his Grace of Newcastle had given him a headache by wanting
+elaborate plans and schemes prepared at an hour's notice. Lady Mary,
+apparently with some envy, tells us that he could "feel rapture with his
+cook-maid." "Which many has," as Mr Ridley remarks, from Xanthias
+Phoceus downwards; but when we remember the historic fact that he
+married this maid (not a "cook-maid" at all), and that though he always
+speaks of her with warm affection and hearty respect, such "raptures" as
+we have of his clearly refer to a very different woman, who was both a
+lady and a beautiful one, we begin a little to shake our heads. Horace
+Walpole at second-hand draws us a Fielding, pigging with low companions
+in a house kept like a hedge tavern; Fielding himself, within a year or
+two, shows us more than half-undesignedly in the _Voyage to Lisbon_ that
+he was very careful about the appointments and decency of his table,
+that he stood rather upon ceremony in regard to his own treatment of his
+family, and the treatment of them and himself by others, and that he was
+altogether a person orderly, correct, and even a little finikin. Nor is
+there the slightest reasonable reason to regard this as a piece of
+hypocrisy, a vice as alien from the Fielding of fancy as from the
+Fielding of fact, and one the particular manifestation of which, in this
+particular place, would have been equally unlikely and unintelligible.
+
+It may be asked whether I propose to substitute for the traditional
+Fielding a quite different person, of regular habits and methodical
+economy. Certainly not. The traditional estimate of great men is rarely
+wrong altogether, but it constantly has a habit of exaggerating and
+dramatising their characteristics. For some things in Fielding's career
+we have positive evidence of document, and evidence hardly less certain
+of probability. Although I believe the best judges are now of opinion
+that his impecuniosity has been overcharged, he certainly had
+experiences which did not often fall to the lot of even a cadet of good
+family in the eighteenth century. There can be no reasonable doubt that
+he was a man who had a leaning towards pretty girls and bottles of good
+wine; and I should suppose that if the girl were kind and fairly
+winsome, he would not have insisted that she should possess Helen's
+beauty, that if the bottle of good wine were not forthcoming, he would
+have been very tolerant of a mug of good ale. He may very possibly have
+drunk more than he should, and lost more than he could conveniently pay.
+It may be put down as morally ascertained that towards all these
+weaknesses of humanity, and others like unto them, he held an attitude
+which was less that of the unassailable philosopher than that of the
+sympathiser, indulgent and excusing. In regard more especially to what
+are commonly called moral delinquencies, this attitude was so decided
+as to shock some people even in those days, and many in these. Just when
+the first sheets of this edition were passing through the press, a
+violent attack was made in a newspaper correspondence on the morality of
+_Tom Jones_ by certain notorious advocates of Purity, as some say, of
+Pruriency and Prudery combined, according to less complimentary
+estimates. Even midway between the two periods we find the admirable
+Miss Ferrier, a sister of Fielding's own craft, who sometimes had
+touches of nature and satire not far inferior to his own, expressing by
+the mouth of one of her characters with whom she seems partly to agree,
+the sentiment that his works are "vanishing like noxious exhalations."
+Towards any misdoing by persons of the one sex towards persons of the
+other, when it involved brutality or treachery, Fielding was pitiless;
+but when treachery and brutality were not concerned, he was, to say the
+least, facile. So, too, he probably knew by experience--he certainly
+knew by native shrewdness and acquired observation--that to look too
+much on the wine when it is red, or on the cards when they are
+parti-coloured, is ruinous to health and fortune; but he thought not
+over badly of any man who did these things. Still it is possible to
+admit this in him, and to stop short of that idea of a careless and
+reckless _viveur_ which has so often been put forward. In particular,
+Lady Mary's view of his childlike enjoyment of the moment has been, I
+think, much exaggerated by posterity, and was probably not a little
+mistaken by the lady herself. There are two moods in which the motto is
+_Carpe diem_, one a mood of simply childish hurry, the other one where
+behind the enjoyment of the moment lurks, and in which the enjoyment of
+the moment is not a little heightened by, that vast ironic consciousness
+of the before and after, which I at least see everywhere in the
+background of Fielding's work.
+
+The man, however, of whom we know so little, concerns us much less than
+the author of the works, of which it only rests with ourselves to know
+everything. I have above classed Fielding as one of the four Atlantes of
+English verse and prose, and I doubt not that both the phrase and the
+application of it to him will meet with question and demur. I have only
+to interject, as the critic so often has to interject, a request to the
+court to take what I say in the sense in which I say it. I do not mean
+that Shakespeare, Milton, Swift, and Fielding are in all or even in most
+respects on a level. I do not mean that the three last are in all
+respects of the greatest names in English literature. I only mean that,
+in a certain quality, which for want of a better word I have chosen to
+call Atlantean, they stand alone. Each of them, for the metaphor is
+applicable either way, carries a whole world on his shoulders, or looks
+down on a whole world from his natural altitude. The worlds are
+different, but they are worlds; and though the attitude of the giants is
+different also, it agrees in all of them on the points of competence and
+strength. Take whomsoever else we may among our men of letters, and we
+shall find this characteristic to be in comparison wanting. These four
+carry their world, and are not carried by it; and if it, in the language
+so dear to Fielding himself, were to crash and shatter, the inquiry,
+"_Que vous reste-t-il?_" could be answered by each, "_Moi!_"
+
+The appearance which Fielding makes is no doubt the most modest of the
+four. He has not Shakespeare's absolute universality, and in fact not
+merely the poet's tongue, but the poet's thought seems to have been
+denied him. His sphere is not the ideal like Milton's. His irony,
+splendid as it is, falls a little short of that diabolical magnificence
+which exalts Swift to the point whence, in his own way, he surveys all
+the kingdoms of the world, and the glory or vainglory of them. All
+Fielding's critics have noted the manner, in a certain sense modest, in
+another ostentatious, in which he seems to confine himself to the
+presentation of things English. They might have added to the
+presentation of things English--as they appear in London, and on the
+Western Circuit, and on the Bath Road.
+
+But this apparent parochialism has never deceived good judges. It did
+not deceive Lady Mary, who had seen the men and manners of very many
+climes; it did not deceive Gibbon, who was not especially prone to
+overvalue things English, and who could look down from twenty centuries
+on things ephemeral. It deceives, indeed, I am told, some excellent
+persons at the present day, who think Fielding's microcosm a "toylike
+world," and imagine that Russian Nihilists and French Naturalists have
+gone beyond it. It will deceive no one who has lived for some competent
+space of time a life during which he has tried to regard his
+fellow-creatures and himself, as nearly as a mortal may, _sub specie
+aeternitatis_.
+
+As this is in the main an introduction to a complete reprint of
+Fielding's four great novels, the justification in detail of the
+estimate just made or hinted of the novelist's genius will be best and
+most fitly made by a brief successive discussion of the four as they are
+here presented, with some subsequent remarks on the _Miscellanies_ here
+selected. And, indeed, it is not fanciful to perceive in each book a
+somewhat different presentment of the author's genius; though in no one
+of the four is any one of his masterly qualities absent. There is
+tenderness even in _Jonathan Wild_; there are touches in _Joseph
+Andrews_ of that irony of the Preacher, the last echo of which is heard
+amid the kindly resignation of the _Journey to Lisbon_, in the sentence,
+"Whereas envy of all things most exposes us to danger from others, so
+contempt of all things best secures us from them." But on the whole it
+is safe to say that _Joseph Andrews_ best presents Fielding's
+mischievous and playful wit; _Jonathan Wild_ his half-Lucianic
+half-Swiftian irony; _Tom Jones_ his unerring knowledge of human nature,
+and his constructive faculty; _Amelia_ his tenderness, his _mitis
+sapientia_, his observation of the details of life. And first of
+the first.
+
+_The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his friend Mr
+Abraham Adams_ was, as has been said above, published in February 1742.
+A facsimile of the agreement between author and publisher will be given
+in the second volume of this series; and it is not uninteresting to
+observe that the witness, William Young, is none other than the asserted
+original of the immortal Mr Adams himself. He might, on Balzac's plea in
+a tolerably well-known anecdote, have demanded half of the L183, 11s. Of
+the other origins of the book we have a pretty full account, partly
+documentary. That it is "writ in the manner of Cervantes," and is
+intended as a kind of comic epic, is the author's own statement--no
+doubt as near the actual truth as is consistent with comic-epic theory.
+That there are resemblances to Scarron, to Le Sage, and to other
+practitioners of the Picaresque novel is certain; and it was inevitable
+that there should be. Of directer and more immediate models or
+starting-points one is undoubted; the other, though less generally
+admitted, not much less indubitable to my mind. The parody of
+Richardson's _Pamela_, which was little more than a year earlier (Nov.
+1740), is avowed, open, flagrant; nor do I think that the author was so
+soon carried away by the greater and larger tide of his own invention as
+some critics seem to hold. He is always more or less returning to the
+ironic charge; and the multiplicity of the assailants of Joseph's virtue
+only disguises the resemblance to the long-drawn dangers of Pamela from
+a single ravisher. But Fielding was also well acquainted with Marivaux's
+_Paysan Parvenu_, and the resemblances between that book and _Joseph
+Andrews_ are much stronger than Fielding's admirers have always been
+willing to admit. This recalcitrance has, I think, been mainly due to
+the erroneous conception of Marivaux as, if not a mere fribble, yet a
+Dresden-Shepherdess kind of writer, good at "preciousness" and
+patch-and-powder manners, but nothing more.
+
+There was, in fact, a very strong satiric and ironic touch in the author
+of _Marianne_, and I do not think that I was too rash when some years
+ago I ventured to speak of him as "playing Fielding to his own
+Richardson" in the _Paysan Parvenu_.
+
+Origins, however, and indebtedness and the like, are, when great work is
+concerned, questions for the study and the lecture-room, for the
+literary historian and the professional critic, rather than for the
+reader, however intelligent and alert, who wishes to enjoy a
+masterpiece, and is content simply to enjoy it. It does not really
+matter how close to anything else something which possesses independent
+goodness is; the very utmost technical originality, the most spotless
+purity from the faintest taint of suggestion, will not suffice to confer
+merit on what does not otherwise possess it. Whether, as I rather think,
+Fielding pursued the plan he had formed _ab incepto_, or whether he
+cavalierly neglected it, or whether the current of his own genius
+carried him off his legs and landed him, half against his will, on the
+shore of originality, are questions for the Schools, and, as I venture
+to think, not for the higher forms in them. We have _Joseph Andrews_ as
+it is; and we may be abundantly thankful for it. The contents of it, as
+of all Fielding's work in this kind, include certain things for which
+the moderns are scantly grateful. Of late years, and not of late years
+only, there has grown up a singular and perhaps an ignorant impatience
+of digressions, of episodes, of tales within a tale. The example of this
+which has been most maltreated is the "Man of the Hill" episode in _Tom
+Jones_; but the stories of the "Unfortunate Jilt" and of Mr Wilson in
+our present subject, do not appear to me to be much less obnoxious to
+the censure; and _Amelia_ contains more than one or two things of the
+same kind. Me they do not greatly disturb; and I see many defences for
+them besides the obvious, and at a pinch sufficient one, that
+divagations of this kind existed in all Fielding's Spanish and French
+models, that the public of the day expected them, and so forth. This
+defence is enough, but it is easy to amplify and reintrench it. It is
+not by any means the fact that the Picaresque novel of adventure is the
+only or the chief form of fiction which prescribes or admits these
+episodic excursions. All the classical epics have them; many eastern and
+other stories present them; they are common, if not invariable, in the
+abundant mediaeval literature of prose and verse romance; they are not
+unknown by any means in the modern novel; and you will very rarely hear
+a story told orally at the dinner-table or in the smoking-room without
+something of the kind. There must, therefore, be something in them
+corresponding to an inseparable accident of that most unchanging of all
+things, human nature. And I do not think the special form with which we
+are here concerned by any means the worst that they have taken. It has
+the grand and prominent virtue of being at once and easily skippable.
+There is about Cervantes and Le Sage, about Fielding and Smollett, none
+of the treachery of the modern novelist, who induces the conscientious
+reader to drag through pages, chapters, and sometimes volumes which have
+nothing to do with the action, for fear he should miss something that
+has to do with it. These great men have a fearless frankness, and almost
+tell you in so many words when and what you may skip. Therefore, if the
+"Curious Impertinent," and the "Baneful Marriage," and the "Man of the
+Hill," and the "Lady of Quality," get in the way, when you desire to
+"read for the story," you have nothing to do but turn the page till
+_finis_ comes. The defence has already been made by an illustrious hand
+for Fielding's inter-chapters and exordiums. It appears to me to be
+almost more applicable to his insertions.
+
+And so we need not trouble ourselves any more either about the
+insertions or about the exordiums. They both please me; the second class
+has pleased persons much better worth pleasing than I can pretend to be;
+but the making or marring of the book lies elsewhere. I do not think
+that it lies in the construction, though Fielding's following of the
+ancients, both sincere and satiric, has imposed a false air of
+regularity upon that. The Odyssey of Joseph, of Fanny, and of their
+ghostly mentor and bodily guard is, in truth, a little haphazard, and
+might have been longer or shorter without any discreet man approving it
+the more or the less therefor. The real merits lie partly in the
+abounding humour and satire of the artist's criticism, but even more in
+the marvellous vivacity and fertility of his creation. For the very
+first time in English prose fiction every character is alive, every
+incident is capable of having happened. There are lively touches in the
+Elizabethan romances; but they are buried in verbiage, swathed in stage
+costume, choked and fettered by their authors' want of art. The quality
+of Bunyan's knowledge of men was not much inferior to Shakespeare's, or
+at least to Fielding's; but the range and the results of it were cramped
+by his single theological purpose, and his unvaried allegoric or typical
+form. Why Defoe did not discover the New World of Fiction, I at least
+have never been able to put into any brief critical formula that
+satisfies me, and I have never seen it put by any one else. He had not
+only seen it afar off, he had made landings and descents on it; he had
+carried off and exhibited in triumph natives such as Robinson Crusoe,
+as Man Friday, as Moll Flanders, as William the Quaker; but he had
+conquered, subdued, and settled no province therein. I like _Pamela_; I
+like it better than some persons who admire Richardson on the whole more
+than I do, seem to like it. But, as in all its author's work, the
+handling seems to me academic--the working out on paper of an
+ingeniously conceived problem rather than the observation or evolution
+of actual or possible life. I should not greatly fear to push the
+comparison even into foreign countries; but it is well to observe
+limits. Let us be content with holding that in England at least, without
+prejudice to anything further, Fielding was the first to display the
+qualities of the perfect novelist as distinguished from the romancer.
+
+What are those qualities, as shown in _Joseph Andrews_? The faculty of
+arranging a probable and interesting course of action is one, of course,
+and Fielding showed it here. But I do not think that it is at any time
+the greatest one; and nobody denies that he made great advances in this
+direction later. The faculty of lively dialogue is another; and that he
+has not often been refused; but much the same may be said of it. The
+interspersing of appropriate description is another; but here also we
+shall not find him exactly a paragon. It is in character--the chief
+_differentia_ of the novel as distinguished not merely from its elder
+sister the romance, and its cousin the drama, but still more from every
+other kind of literature--that Fielding stands even here pre-eminent. No
+one that I can think of, except his greatest successor in the present
+century, has the same unfailing gift of breathing life into every
+character he creates or borrows; and even Thackeray draws, if I may use
+the phrase, his characters more in the flat and less in the round than
+Fielding. Whether in Blifil he once failed, we must discuss hereafter;
+he has failed nowhere in _Joseph Andrews_. Some of his sketches may
+require the caution that they are eighteenth-century men and women; some
+the warning that they are obviously caricatured, or set in designed
+profile, or merely sketched. But they are all alive. The finical
+estimate of Gray (it is a horrid joy to think how perfectly capable
+Fielding was of having joined in that practical joke of the young
+gentlemen of Cambridge, which made Gray change his college), while
+dismissing these light things with patronage, had to admit that "parson
+Adams is perfectly well, so is Mrs Slipslop." "They _were_, Mr
+Gray," said some one once, "they were more perfectly well, and in a
+higher kind, than anything you ever did; though you were a pretty
+workman too."
+
+Yes, parson Adams is perfectly well, and so is Mrs Slipslop. But so are
+they all. Even the hero and heroine, tied and bound as they are by the
+necessity under which their maker lay of preserving Joseph's
+Joseph-hood, and of making Fanny the example of a franker and less
+interested virtue than her sister-in-law that might have been, are
+surprisingly human where most writers would have made them sticks. And
+the rest require no allowance. Lady Booby, few as are the strokes given
+to her, is not much less alive than Lady Bellaston. Mr Trulliber,
+monster and not at all delicate monster as he is, is also a man, and
+when he lays it down that no one even in his own house shall drink when
+he "caaled vurst," one can but pay his maker the tribute of that silent
+shudder of admiration which hails the addition of one more everlasting
+entity to the world of thought and fancy. And Mr Tow-wouse is real, and
+Mrs Tow-wouse is more real still, and Betty is real; and the coachman,
+and Miss Grave-airs, and all the wonderful crew from first to last. The
+dresses they wear, the manners they exhibit, the laws they live under,
+the very foods and drinks they live upon, are "past like the shadows on
+glasses"--to the comfort and rejoicing of some, to the greater or less
+sorrow of others. But _they_ are there--alive, full of blood, full of
+breath as we are, and, in truth, I fear a little more so. For some
+purposes a century is a gap harder to cross and more estranging than a
+couple of millenniums. But in their case the gap is nothing; and it is
+not too much to say that as they have stood the harder test, they will
+stand the easier. There are very striking differences between Nausicaa
+and Mrs Slipslop; there are differences not less striking between Mrs
+Slipslop and Beatrice. But their likeness is a stranger and more
+wonderful thing than any of their unlikenesses. It is that they are
+all women, that they are all live citizenesses of the Land of Matters
+Unforgot, the fashion whereof passeth not away, and the franchise
+whereof, once acquired, assures immortality.
+
+
+
+NOTE TO GENERAL INTRODUCTION.
+
+
+_The text of this issue in the main follows that of the standard or
+first collected edition of 1762. The variants which the author
+introduced in successive editions during his lifetime are not
+inconsiderable; but for the purposes of the present issue it did not
+seem necessary or indeed desirable to take account of them. In the case
+of prose fiction, more than in any other department of literature, it is
+desirable that work should be read in the form which represents the
+completest intention and execution of the author. Nor have any notes
+been attempted; for again such things, in the case of prose fiction, are
+of very doubtful use, and supply pretty certain stumbling-blocks to
+enjoyment; while in the particular case of Fielding, the annotation,
+unless extremely capricious, would have to be disgustingly full. Far be
+it at any rate from the present editor to bury these delightful
+creations under an ugly crust of parallel passages and miscellaneous
+erudition. The sheets, however, have been carefully read in order to
+prevent the casual errors which are wont to creep into frequently
+reprinted texts; and the editor hopes that if any such have escaped him,
+the escape will not be attributed to wilful negligence. A few obvious
+errors, in spelling of proper names, &c., which occur in the 1762
+version have been corrected: but wherever the readings of that version
+are possible they have been preferred. The embellishments of the edition
+are partly fanciful and partly "documentary;" so that it is hoped both
+classes of taste may have something to feed upon._
+
+
+
+
+AUTHOR'S PREFACE.
+
+
+As it is possible the mere English reader may have a different idea of
+romance from the author of these little[A] volumes, and may consequently
+expect a kind of entertainment not to be found, nor which was even
+intended, in the following pages, it may not be improper to premise a
+few words concerning this kind of writing, which I do not remember to
+have seen hitherto attempted in our language.
+
+[A] _Joseph Andrews_ was originally published in 2 vols. duodecimo.
+
+The EPIC, as well as the DRAMA, is divided into tragedy and comedy.
+HOMER, who was the father of this species of poetry, gave us a pattern
+of both these, though that of the latter kind is entirely lost; which
+Aristotle tells us, bore the same relation to comedy which his Iliad
+bears to tragedy. And perhaps, that we have no more instances of it
+among the writers of antiquity, is owing to the loss of this great
+pattern, which, had it survived, would have found its imitators equally
+with the other poems of this great original.
+
+And farther, as this poetry may be tragic or comic, I will not scruple
+to say it may be likewise either in verse or prose: for though it wants
+one particular, which the critic enumerates in the constituent parts of
+an epic poem, namely metre; yet, when any kind of writing contains all
+its other parts, such as fable, action, characters, sentiments, and
+diction, and is deficient in metre only, it seems, I think, reasonable
+to refer it to the epic; at least, as no critic hath thought proper to
+range it under any other head, or to assign it a particular name
+to itself.
+
+Thus the Telemachus of the archbishop of Cambray appears to me of the
+epic kind, as well as the Odyssey of Homer; indeed, it is much fairer
+and more reasonable to give it a name common with that species from
+which it differs only in a single instance, than to confound it with
+those which it resembles in no other. Such are those voluminous works,
+commonly called Romances, namely, Clelia, Cleopatra, Astraea, Cassandra,
+the Grand Cyrus, and innumerable others, which contain, as I apprehend,
+very little instruction or entertainment.
+
+Now, a comic romance is a comic epic poem in prose; differing from
+comedy, as the serious epic from tragedy: its action being more extended
+and comprehensive; containing a much larger circle of incidents, and
+introducing a greater variety of characters. It differs from the serious
+romance in its fable and action, in this; that as in the one these are
+grave and solemn, so in the other they are light and ridiculous: it
+differs in its characters by introducing persons of inferior rank, and
+consequently, of inferior manners, whereas the grave romance sets the
+highest before us: lastly, in its sentiments and diction; by preserving
+the ludicrous instead of the sublime. In the diction, I think,
+burlesque itself may be sometimes admitted; of which many instances
+will occur in this work, as in the description of the battles, and some
+other places, not necessary to be pointed out to the classical reader,
+for whose entertainment those parodies or burlesque imitations are
+chiefly calculated.
+
+But though we have sometimes admitted this in our diction, we have
+carefully excluded it from our sentiments and characters; for there it
+is never properly introduced, unless in writings of the burlesque kind,
+which this is not intended to be. Indeed, no two species of writing can
+differ more widely than the comic and the burlesque; for as the latter
+is ever the exhibition of what is monstrous and unnatural, and where our
+delight, if we examine it, arises from the surprizing absurdity, as in
+appropriating the manners of the highest to the lowest, or _e converso_;
+so in the former we should ever confine ourselves strictly to nature,
+from the just imitation of which will flow all the pleasure we can this
+way convey to a sensible reader. And perhaps there is one reason why a
+comic writer should of all others be the least excused for deviating
+from nature, since it may not be always so easy for a serious poet to
+meet with the great and the admirable; but life everywhere furnishes an
+accurate observer with the ridiculous.
+
+I have hinted this little concerning burlesque, because I have often
+heard that name given to performances which have been truly of the comic
+kind, from the author's having sometimes admitted it in his diction
+only; which, as it is the dress of poetry, doth, like the dress of men,
+establish characters (the one of the whole poem, and the other of the
+whole man), in vulgar opinion, beyond any of their greater excellences:
+but surely, a certain drollery in stile, where characters and sentiments
+are perfectly natural, no more constitutes the burlesque, than an empty
+pomp and dignity of words, where everything else is mean and low, can
+entitle any performance to the appellation of the true sublime.
+
+And I apprehend my Lord Shaftesbury's opinion of mere burlesque agrees
+with mine, when he asserts, There is no such thing to be found in the
+writings of the ancients. But perhaps I have less abhorrence than he
+professes for it; and that, not because I have had some little success
+on the stage this way, but rather as it contributes more to exquisite
+mirth and laughter than any other; and these are probably more wholesome
+physic for the mind, and conduce better to purge away spleen,
+melancholy, and ill affections, than is generally imagined. Nay, I will
+appeal to common observation, whether the same companies are not found
+more full of good-humour and benevolence, after they have been sweetened
+for two or three hours with entertainments of this kind, than when
+soured by a tragedy or a grave lecture.
+
+But to illustrate all this by another science, in which, perhaps, we
+shall see the distinction more clearly and plainly, let us examine the
+works of a comic history painter, with those performances which the
+Italians call Caricatura, where we shall find the true excellence of the
+former to consist in the exactest copying of nature; insomuch that a
+judicious eye instantly rejects anything _outre_, any liberty which the
+painter hath taken with the features of that _alma mater_; whereas in
+the Caricatura we allow all licence--its aim is to exhibit monsters,
+not men; and all distortions and exaggerations whatever are within its
+proper province.
+
+Now, what Caricatura is in painting, Burlesque is in writing; and in the
+same manner the comic writer and painter correlate to each other. And
+here I shall observe, that, as in the former the painter seems to have
+the advantage; so it is in the latter infinitely on the side of the
+writer; for the Monstrous is much easier to paint than describe, and the
+Ridiculous to describe than paint.
+
+And though perhaps this latter species doth not in either science so
+strongly affect and agitate the muscles as the other; yet it will be
+owned, I believe, that a more rational and useful pleasure arises to us
+from it. He who should call the ingenious Hogarth a burlesque painter,
+would, in my opinion, do him very little honour; for sure it is much
+easier, much less the subject of admiration, to paint a man with a nose,
+or any other feature, of a preposterous size, or to expose him in some
+absurd or monstrous attitude, than to express the affections of men on
+canvas. It hath been thought a vast commendation of a painter to say his
+figures seem to breathe; but surely it is a much greater and nobler
+applause, that they appear to think.
+
+But to return. The Ridiculous only, as I have before said, falls within
+my province in the present work. Nor will some explanation of this word
+be thought impertinent by the reader, if he considers how wonderfully it
+hath been mistaken, even by writers who have professed it: for to what
+but such a mistake can we attribute the many attempts to ridicule the
+blackest villanies, and, what is yet worse, the most dreadful
+calamities? What could exceed the absurdity of an author, who should
+write the comedy of Nero, with the merry incident of ripping up his
+mother's belly? or what would give a greater shock to humanity than an
+attempt to expose the miseries of poverty and distress to ridicule? And
+yet the reader will not want much learning to suggest such instances
+to himself.
+
+Besides, it may seem remarkable, that Aristotle, who is so fond and free
+of definitions, hath not thought proper to define the Ridiculous.
+Indeed, where he tells us it is proper to comedy, he hath remarked that
+villany is not its object: but he hath not, as I remember, positively
+asserted what is. Nor doth the Abbe Bellegarde, who hath written a
+treatise on this subject, though he shows us many species of it, once
+trace it to its fountain.
+
+The only source of the true Ridiculous (as it appears to me) is
+affectation. But though it arises from one spring only, when we consider
+the infinite streams into which this one branches, we shall presently
+cease to admire at the copious field it affords to an observer. Now,
+affectation proceeds from one of these two causes, vanity or hypocrisy:
+for as vanity puts us on affecting false characters, in order to
+purchase applause; so hypocrisy sets us on an endeavour to avoid
+censure, by concealing our vices under an appearance of their opposite
+virtues. And though these two causes are often confounded (for there is
+some difficulty in distinguishing them), yet, as they proceed from very
+different motives, so they are as clearly distinct in their operations:
+for indeed, the affectation which arises from vanity is nearer to truth
+than the other, as it hath not that violent repugnancy of nature to
+struggle with, which that of the hypocrite hath. It may be likewise
+noted, that affectation doth not imply an absolute negation of those
+qualities which are affected; and, therefore, though, when it proceeds
+from hypocrisy, it be nearly allied to deceit; yet when it comes from
+vanity only, it partakes of the nature of ostentation: for instance, the
+affectation of liberality in a vain man differs visibly from the same
+affectation in the avaricious; for though the vain man is not what he
+would appear, or hath not the virtue he affects, to the degree he would
+be thought to have it; yet it sits less awkwardly on him than on the
+avaricious man, who is the very reverse of what he would seem to be.
+
+From the discovery of this affectation arises the Ridiculous, which
+always strikes the reader with surprize and pleasure; and that in a
+higher and stronger degree when the affectation arises from hypocrisy,
+than when from vanity; for to discover any one to be the exact reverse
+of what he affects, is more surprizing, and consequently more
+ridiculous, than to find him a little deficient in the quality he
+desires the reputation of. I might observe that our Ben Jonson, who of
+all men understood the Ridiculous the best, hath chiefly used the
+hypocritical affectation.
+
+Now, from affectation only, the misfortunes and calamities of life, or
+the imperfections of nature, may become the objects of ridicule. Surely
+he hath a very ill-framed mind who can look on ugliness, infirmity, or
+poverty, as ridiculous in themselves: nor do I believe any man living,
+who meets a dirty fellow riding through the streets in a cart, is
+struck with an idea of the Ridiculous from it; but if he should see the
+same figure descend from his coach and six, or bolt from his chair with
+his hat under his arm, he would then begin to laugh, and with justice.
+In the same manner, were we to enter a poor house and behold a wretched
+family shivering with cold and languishing with hunger, it would not
+incline us to laughter (at least we must have very diabolical natures if
+it would); but should we discover there a grate, instead of coals,
+adorned with flowers, empty plate or china dishes on the sideboard, or
+any other affectation of riches and finery, either on their persons or
+in their furniture, we might then indeed be excused for ridiculing so
+fantastical an appearance. Much less are natural imperfections the
+object of derision; but when ugliness aims at the applause of beauty, or
+lameness endeavours to display agility, it is then that these
+unfortunate circumstances, which at first moved our compassion, tend
+only to raise our mirth.
+
+The poet carries this very far:--
+
+    None are for being what they are in fault,
+    But for not being what they would be thought.
+
+Where if the metre would suffer the word Ridiculous to close the first
+line, the thought would be rather more proper. Great vices are the
+proper objects of our detestation, smaller faults, of our pity; but
+affectation appears to me the only true source of the Ridiculous.
+
+But perhaps it may be objected to me, that I have against my own rules
+introduced vices, and of a very black kind, into this work. To which I
+shall answer: first, that it is very difficult to pursue a series of
+human actions, and keep clear from them. Secondly, that the vices to be
+found here are rather the accidental consequences of some human frailty
+or foible, than causes habitually existing in the mind. Thirdly, that
+they are never set forth as the objects of ridicule, but detestation.
+Fourthly, that they are never the principal figure at that time on the
+scene: and, lastly, they never produce the intended evil.
+
+Having thus distinguished Joseph Andrews from the productions of romance
+writers on the one hand and burlesque writers on the other, and given
+some few very short hints (for I intended no more) of this species of
+writing, which I have affirmed to be hitherto unattempted in our
+language; I shall leave to my good-natured reader to apply my piece to
+my observations, and will detain him no longer than with a word
+concerning the characters in this work.
+
+And here I solemnly protest I have no intention to vilify or asperse any
+one; for though everything is copied from the book of nature, and scarce
+a character or action produced which I have not taken from my I own
+observations and experience; yet I have used the utmost care to obscure
+the persons by such different circumstances, degrees, and colours, that
+it will be impossible to guess at them with any degree of certainty; and
+if it ever happens otherwise, it is only where the failure characterized
+is so minute, that it is a foible only which the party himself may laugh
+at as well as any other.
+
+As to the character of Adams, as it is the most glaring in the whole, so
+I conceive it is not to be found in any book now extant. It is designed
+a character of perfect simplicity; and as the goodness of his heart
+will recommend him to the good-natured, so I hope it will excuse me to
+the gentlemen of his cloth; for whom, while they are worthy of their
+sacred order, no man can possibly have a greater respect. They will
+therefore excuse me, notwithstanding the low adventures in which he is
+engaged, that I have made him a clergyman; since no other office could
+have given him so many opportunities of displaying his worthy
+inclinations.
+
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF THE ADVENTURES OF JOSEPH ANDREWS AND HIS FRIEND MR
+ABRAHAM ADAMS
+
+
+
+
+BOOK I.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_Of writing lives in general, and particularly of Pamela; with a word by
+the bye of Colley Cibber and others._
+
+
+It is a trite but true observation, that examples work more forcibly on
+the mind than precepts: and if this be just in what is odious and
+blameable, it is more strongly so in what is amiable and praiseworthy.
+Here emulation most effectually operates upon us, and inspires our
+imitation in an irresistible manner. A good man therefore is a standing
+lesson to all his acquaintance, and of far greater use in that narrow
+circle than a good book.
+
+But as it often happens that the best men are but little known, and
+consequently cannot extend the usefulness of their examples a great way;
+the writer may be called in aid to spread their history farther, and to
+present the amiable pictures to those who have not the happiness of
+knowing the originals; and so, by communicating such valuable patterns
+to the world, he may perhaps do a more extensive service to mankind than
+the person whose life originally afforded the pattern.
+
+In this light I have always regarded those biographers who have recorded
+the actions of great and worthy persons of both sexes. Not to mention
+those antient writers which of late days are little read, being written
+in obsolete, and as they are generally thought, unintelligible
+languages, such as Plutarch, Nepos, and others which I heard of in my
+youth; our own language affords many of excellent use and instruction,
+finely calculated to sow the seeds of virtue in youth, and very easy to
+be comprehended by persons of moderate capacity. Such as the history of
+John the Great, who, by his brave and heroic actions against men of
+large and athletic bodies, obtained the glorious appellation of the
+Giant-killer; that of an Earl of Warwick, whose Christian name was Guy;
+the lives of Argalus and Parthenia; and above all, the history of those
+seven worthy personages, the Champions of Christendom. In all these
+delight is mixed with instruction, and the reader is almost as much
+improved as entertained.
+
+But I pass by these and many others to mention two books lately
+published, which represent an admirable pattern of the amiable in either
+sex. The former of these, which deals in male virtue, was written by the
+great person himself, who lived the life he hath recorded, and is by
+many thought to have lived such a life only in order to write it. The
+other is communicated to us by an historian who borrows his lights, as
+the common method is, from authentic papers and records. The reader, I
+believe, already conjectures, I mean the lives of Mr Colley Cibber and
+of Mrs Pamela Andrews. How artfully doth the former, by insinuating that
+he escaped being promoted to the highest stations in Church and State,
+teach us a contempt of worldly grandeur! how strongly doth he inculcate
+an absolute submission to our superiors! Lastly, how completely doth he
+arm us against so uneasy, so wretched a passion as the fear of shame!
+how clearly doth he expose the emptiness and vanity of that phantom,
+reputation!
+
+What the female readers are taught by the memoirs of Mrs Andrews is so
+well set forth in the excellent essays or letters prefixed to the second
+and subsequent editions of that work, that it would be here a needless
+repetition. The authentic history with which I now present the public is
+an instance of the great good that book is likely to do, and of the
+prevalence of example which I have just observed: since it will appear
+that it was by keeping the excellent pattern of his sister's virtues
+before his eyes, that Mr Joseph Andrews was chiefly enabled to preserve
+his purity in the midst of such great temptations. I shall only add that
+this character of male chastity, though doubtless as desirable and
+becoming in one part of the human species as in the other, is almost the
+only virtue which the great apologist hath not given himself for the
+sake of giving the example to his readers.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_Of Mr Joseph Andrews, his birth, parentage, education, and great
+endowments; with a word or two concerning ancestors._
+
+
+Mr Joseph Andrews, the hero of our ensuing history, was esteemed to be
+the only son of Gaffar and Gammer Andrews, and brother to the
+illustrious Pamela, whose virtue is at present so famous. As to his
+ancestors, we have searched with great diligence, but little success;
+being unable to trace them farther than his great-grandfather, who, as
+an elderly person in the parish remembers to have heard his father say,
+was an excellent cudgel-player. Whether he had any ancestors before
+this, we must leave to the opinion of our curious reader, finding
+nothing of sufficient certainty to rely on. However, we cannot omit
+inserting an epitaph which an ingenious friend of ours hath
+communicated:--
+
+    Stay, traveller, for underneath this pew
+    Lies fast asleep that merry man Andrew:
+    When the last day's great sun shall gild the skies,
+    Then he shall from his tomb get up and rise.
+    Be merry while thou canst: for surely thou
+    Shalt shortly be as sad as he is now.
+
+The words are almost out of the stone with antiquity. But it is needless
+to observe that Andrew here is writ without an _s_, and is, besides, a
+Christian name. My friend, moreover, conjectures this to have been the
+founder of that sect of laughing philosophers since called
+Merry-andrews.
+
+To waive, therefore, a circumstance which, though mentioned in
+conformity to the exact rules of biography, is not greatly material, I
+proceed to things of more consequence. Indeed, it is sufficiently
+certain that he had as many ancestors as the best man living, and,
+perhaps, if we look five or six hundred years backwards, might be
+related to some persons of very great figure at present, whose ancestors
+within half the last century are buried in as great obscurity. But
+suppose, for argument's sake, we should admit that he had no ancestors
+at all, but had sprung up, according to the modern phrase, out of a
+dunghill, as the Athenians pretended they themselves did from the earth,
+would not this autokopros[A] have been justly entitled to all the
+praise arising from his own virtues? Would it not be hard that a man who
+hath no ancestors should therefore be rendered incapable of acquiring
+honour; when we see so many who have no virtues enjoying the honour of
+their forefathers? At ten years old (by which time his education was
+advanced to writing and reading) he was bound an apprentice, according
+to the statute, to Sir Thomas Booby, an uncle of Mr Booby's by the
+father's side. Sir Thomas having then an estate in his own hands, the
+young Andrews was at first employed in what in the country they call
+keeping birds. His office was to perform the part the ancients assigned
+to the god Priapus, which deity the moderns call by the name of Jack o'
+Lent; but his voice being so extremely musical, that it rather allured
+the birds than terrified them, he was soon transplanted from the fields
+into the dog-kennel, where he was placed under the huntsman, and made
+what the sportsmen term whipper-in. For this place likewise the
+sweetness of his voice disqualified him; the dogs preferring the melody
+of his chiding to all the alluring notes of the huntsman, who soon
+became so incensed at it, that he desired Sir Thomas to provide
+otherwise for him, and constantly laid every fault the dogs were at to
+the account of the poor boy, who was now transplanted to the stable.
+Here he soon gave proofs of strength and agility beyond his years, and
+constantly rode the most spirited and vicious horses to water, with an
+intrepidity which surprized every one. While he was in this station, he
+rode several races for Sir Thomas, and this with such expertness and
+success, that the neighbouring gentlemen frequently solicited the knight
+to permit little Joey (for so he was called) to ride their matches. The
+best gamesters, before they laid their money, always inquired which
+horse little Joey was to ride; and the bets were rather proportioned by
+the rider than by the horse himself; especially after he had scornfully
+refused a considerable bribe to play booty on such an occasion. This
+extremely raised his character, and so pleased the Lady Booby, that she
+desired to have him (being now seventeen years of age) for her
+own footboy.
+
+[A] In English, sprung from a dunghill.
+
+Joey was now preferred from the stable to attend on his lady, to go on
+her errands, stand behind her chair, wait at her tea-table, and carry
+her prayer-book to church; at which place his voice gave him an
+opportunity of distinguishing himself by singing psalms: he behaved
+likewise in every other respect so well at Divine service, that it
+recommended him to the notice of Mr Abraham Adams, the curate, who took
+an opportunity one day, as he was drinking a cup of ale in Sir Thomas's
+kitchen, to ask the young man several questions concerning religion;
+with his answers to which he was wonderfully pleased.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+_Of Mr Abraham Adams the curate, Mrs Slipslop the chambermaid, and
+others._
+
+
+Mr Abraham Adams was an excellent scholar. He was a perfect master of
+the Greek and Latin languages; to which he added a great share of
+knowledge in the Oriental tongues; and could read and translate French,
+Italian, and Spanish. He had applied many years to the most severe
+study, and had treasured up a fund of learning rarely to be met with in
+a university. He was, besides, a man of good sense, good parts, and good
+nature; but was at the same time as entirely ignorant of the ways of
+this world as an infant just entered into it could possibly be. As he
+had never any intention to deceive, so he never suspected such a design
+in others. He was generous, friendly, and brave to an excess; but
+simplicity was his characteristick: he did, no more than Mr Colley
+Cibber, apprehend any such passions as malice and envy to exist in
+mankind; which was indeed less remarkable in a country parson than in a
+gentleman who hath passed his life behind the scenes,--a place which
+hath been seldom thought the school of innocence, and where a very
+little observation would have convinced the great apologist that those
+passions have a real existence in the human mind.
+
+His virtue, and his other qualifications, as they rendered him equal to
+his office, so they made him an agreeable and valuable companion, and
+had so much endeared and well recommended him to a bishop, that at the
+age of fifty he was provided with a handsome income of twenty-three
+pounds a year; which, however, he could not make any great figure with,
+because he lived in a dear country, and was a little encumbered with a
+wife and six children.
+
+It was this gentleman, who having, as I have said, observed the singular
+devotion of young Andrews, had found means to question him concerning
+several particulars; as, how many books there were in the New Testament?
+which were they? how many chapters they contained? and such like: to all
+which, Mr Adams privately said, he answered much better than Sir Thomas,
+or two other neighbouring justices of the peace could probably
+have done.
+
+Mr Adams was wonderfully solicitous to know at what time, and by what
+opportunity, the youth became acquainted with these matters: Joey told
+him that he had very early learnt to read and write by the goodness of
+his father, who, though he had not interest enough to get him into a
+charity school, because a cousin of his father's landlord did not vote
+on the right side for a churchwarden in a borough town, yet had been
+himself at the expense of sixpence a week for his learning. He told him
+likewise, that ever since he was in Sir Thomas's family he had employed
+all his hours of leisure in reading good books; that he had read the
+Bible, the Whole Duty of Man, and Thomas a Kempis; and that as often as
+he could, without being perceived, he had studied a great good book
+which lay open in the hall window, where he had read, "as how the devil
+carried away half a church in sermon-time, without hurting one of the
+congregation; and as how a field of corn ran away down a hill with all
+the trees upon it, and covered another man's meadow." This sufficiently
+assured Mr Adams that the good book meant could be no other than Baker's
+Chronicle.
+
+The curate, surprized to find such instances of industry and application
+in a young man who had never met with the least encouragement, asked
+him, If he did not extremely regret the want of a liberal education, and
+the not having been born of parents who might have indulged his talents
+and desire of knowledge? To which he answered, "He hoped he had profited
+somewhat better from the books he had read than to lament his condition
+in this world. That, for his part, he was perfectly content with the
+state to which he was called; that he should endeavour to improve his
+talent, which was all required of him; but not repine at his own lot,
+nor envy those of his betters." "Well said, my lad," replied the curate;
+"and I wish some who have read many more good books, nay, and some who
+have written good books themselves, had profited so much by them."
+
+Adams had no nearer access to Sir Thomas or my lady than through the
+waiting-gentlewoman; for Sir Thomas was too apt to estimate men merely
+by their dress or fortune; and my lady was a woman of gaiety, who had
+been blest with a town education, and never spoke of any of her country
+neighbours by any other appellation than that of the brutes. They both
+regarded the curate as a kind of domestic only, belonging to the parson
+of the parish, who was at this time at variance with the knight; for the
+parson had for many years lived in a constant state of civil war, or,
+which is perhaps as bad, of civil law, with Sir Thomas himself and the
+tenants of his manor. The foundation of this quarrel was a modus, by
+setting which aside an advantage of several shillings _per annum_ would
+have accrued to the rector; but he had not yet been able to accomplish
+his purpose, and had reaped hitherto nothing better from the suits than
+the pleasure (which he used indeed frequently to say was no small one)
+of reflecting that he had utterly undone many of the poor tenants,
+though he had at the same time greatly impoverished himself.
+
+Mrs Slipslop, the waiting-gentlewoman, being herself the daughter of a
+curate, preserved some respect for Adams: she professed great regard for
+his learning, and would frequently dispute with him on points of
+theology; but always insisted on a deference to be paid to her
+understanding, as she had been frequently at London, and knew more of
+the world than a country parson could pretend to.
+
+She had in these disputes a particular advantage over Adams: for she was
+a mighty affecter of hard words, which she used in such a manner that
+the parson, who durst not offend her by calling her words in question,
+was frequently at some loss to guess her meaning, and would have been
+much less puzzled by an Arabian manuscript.
+
+Adams therefore took an opportunity one day, after a pretty long
+discourse with her on the essence (or, as she pleased to term it, the
+incence) of matter, to mention the case of young Andrews; desiring her
+to recommend him to her lady as a youth very susceptible of learning,
+and one whose instruction in Latin he would himself undertake; by which
+means he might be qualified for a higher station than that of a footman;
+and added, she knew it was in his master's power easily to provide for
+him in a better manner. He therefore desired that the boy might be left
+behind under his care.
+
+"La! Mr Adams," said Mrs Slipslop, "do you think my lady will suffer any
+preambles about any such matter? She is going to London very concisely,
+and I am confidous would not leave Joey behind her on any account; for
+he is one of the genteelest young fellows you may see in a summer's day;
+and I am confidous she would as soon think of parting with a pair of her
+grey mares, for she values herself as much on one as the other." Adams
+would have interrupted, but she proceeded: "And why is Latin more
+necessitous for a footman than a gentleman? It is very proper that you
+clergymen must learn it, because you can't preach without it: but I have
+heard gentlemen say in London, that it is fit for nobody else. I am
+confidous my lady would be angry with me for mentioning it; and I shall
+draw myself into no such delemy." At which words her lady's bell rung,
+and Mr Adams was forced to retire; nor could he gain a second
+opportunity with her before their London journey, which happened a few
+days afterwards. However, Andrews behaved very thankfully and gratefully
+to him for his intended kindness, which he told him he never would
+forget, and at the same time received from the good man many admonitions
+concerning the regulation of his future conduct, and his perseverance in
+innocence and industry.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+_What happened after their journey to London._
+
+
+No sooner was young Andrews arrived at London than he began to scrape an
+acquaintance with his party-coloured brethren, who endeavoured to make
+him despise his former course of life. His hair was cut after the newest
+fashion, and became his chief care; he went abroad with it all the
+morning in papers, and drest it out in the afternoon. They could not,
+however, teach him to game, swear, drink, nor any other genteel vice the
+town abounded with. He applied most of his leisure hours to music, in
+which he greatly improved himself; and became so perfect a connoisseur
+in that art, that he led the opinion of all the other footmen at an
+opera, and they never condemned or applauded a single song contrary to
+his approbation or dislike. He was a little too forward in riots at the
+play-houses and assemblies; and when he attended his lady at church
+(which was but seldom) he behaved with less seeming devotion than
+formerly: however, if he was outwardly a pretty fellow, his morals
+remained entirely uncorrupted, though he was at the same time smarter
+and genteeler than any of the beaus in town, either in or out of livery.
+
+His lady, who had often said of him that Joey was the handsomest and
+genteelest footman in the kingdom, but that it was pity he wanted
+spirit, began now to find that fault no longer; on the contrary, she was
+frequently heard to cry out, "Ay, there is some life in this fellow."
+She plainly saw the effects which the town air hath on the soberest
+constitutions. She would now walk out with him into Hyde Park in a
+morning, and when tired, which happened almost every minute, would lean
+on his arm, and converse with him in great familiarity. Whenever she
+stept out of her coach, she would take him by the hand, and sometimes,
+for fear of stumbling, press it very hard; she admitted him to deliver
+messages at her bedside in a morning, leered at him at table, and
+indulged him in all those innocent freedoms which women of figure may
+permit without the least sully of their virtue.
+
+But though their virtue remains unsullied, yet now and then some small
+arrows will glance on the shadow of it, their reputation; and so it fell
+out to Lady Booby, who happened to be walking arm-in-arm with Joey one
+morning in Hyde Park, when Lady Tittle and Lady Tattle came accidentally
+by in their coach. "Bless me," says Lady Tittle, "can I believe my eyes?
+Is that Lady Booby?"--"Surely," says Tattle. "But what makes you
+surprized?"--"Why, is not that her footman?" replied Tittle. At which
+Tattle laughed, and cried, "An old business, I assure you: is it
+possible you should not have heard it? The whole town hath known it this
+half-year." The consequence of this interview was a whisper through a
+hundred visits, which were separately performed by the two ladies[A] the
+same afternoon, and might have had a mischievous effect, had it not been
+stopt by two fresh reputations which were published the day afterwards,
+and engrossed the whole talk of the town.
+
+[A] It may seem an absurdity that Tattle should visit, as she actually
+    did, to spread a known scandal: but the reader may reconcile this by
+    supposing, with me, that, notwithstanding what she says, this was
+    her first acquaintance with it.
+
+But, whatever opinion or suspicion the scandalous inclination of
+defamers might entertain of Lady Booby's innocent freedoms, it is
+certain they made no impression on young Andrews, who never offered to
+encroach beyond the liberties which his lady allowed him,--a behaviour
+which she imputed to the violent respect he preserved for her, and which
+served only to heighten a something she began to conceive, and which
+the next chapter will open a little farther.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+_The death of Sir Thomas Booby, with the affectionate and mournful
+behaviour of his widow, and the great purity of Joseph Andrews._
+
+
+At this time an accident happened which put a stop to those agreeable
+walks, which probably would have soon puffed up the cheeks of Fame, and
+caused her to blow her brazen trumpet through the town; and this was no
+other than the death of Sir Thomas Booby, who, departing this life, left
+his disconsolate lady confined to her house, as closely as if she
+herself had been attacked by some violent disease. During the first six
+days the poor lady admitted none but Mrs. Slipslop, and three female
+friends, who made a party at cards: but on the seventh she ordered Joey,
+whom, for a good reason, we shall hereafter call JOSEPH, to bring up her
+tea-kettle. The lady being in bed, called Joseph to her, bade him sit
+down, and, having accidentally laid her hand on his, she asked him if he
+had ever been in love. Joseph answered, with some confusion, it was time
+enough for one so young as himself to think on such things. "As young as
+you are," replied the lady, "I am convinced you are no stranger to that
+passion. Come, Joey," says she, "tell me truly, who is the happy girl
+whose eyes have made a conquest of you?" Joseph returned, that all the
+women he had ever seen were equally indifferent to him. "Oh then," said
+the lady, "you are a general lover. Indeed, you handsome fellows, like
+handsome women, are very long and difficult in fixing; but yet you
+shall never persuade me that your heart is so insusceptible of
+affection; I rather impute what you say to your secrecy, a very
+commendable quality, and what I am far from being angry with you for.
+Nothing can be more unworthy in a young man, than to betray any
+intimacies with the ladies." "Ladies! madam," said Joseph, "I am sure I
+never had the impudence to think of any that deserve that name." "Don't
+pretend to too much modesty," said she, "for that sometimes may be
+impertinent: but pray answer me this question. Suppose a lady should
+happen to like you; suppose she should prefer you to all your sex, and
+admit you to the same familiarities as you might have hoped for if you
+had been born her equal, are you certain that no vanity could tempt you
+to discover her? Answer me honestly, Joseph; have you so much more sense
+and so much more virtue than you handsome young fellows generally have,
+who make no scruple of sacrificing our dear reputation to your pride,
+without considering the great obligation we lay on you by our
+condescension and confidence? Can you keep a secret, my Joey?" "Madam,"
+says he, "I hope your ladyship can't tax me with ever betraying the
+secrets of the family; and I hope, if you was to turn me away, I might
+have that character of you." "I don't intend to turn you away, Joey,"
+said she, and sighed; "I am afraid it is not in my power." She then
+raised herself a little in her bed, and discovered one of the whitest
+necks that ever was seen; at which Joseph blushed. "La!" says she, in an
+affected surprize, "what am I doing? I have trusted myself with a man
+alone, naked in bed; suppose you should have any wicked intentions upon
+my honour, how should I defend myself?" Joseph protested that he never
+had the least evil design against her. "No," says she, "perhaps you may
+not call your designs wicked; and perhaps they are not so."--He swore
+they were not. "You misunderstand me," says she; "I mean if they were
+against my honour, they may not be wicked; but the world calls them so.
+But then, say you, the world will never know anything of the matter; yet
+would not that be trusting to your secrecy? Must not my reputation be
+then in your power? Would you not then be my master?" Joseph begged her
+ladyship to be comforted; for that he would never imagine the least
+wicked thing against her, and that he had rather die a thousand deaths
+than give her any reason to suspect him. "Yes," said she, "I must have
+reason to suspect you. Are you not a man? and, without vanity, I may
+pretend to some charms. But perhaps you may fear I should prosecute you;
+indeed I hope you do; and yet Heaven knows I should never have the
+confidence to appear before a court of justice; and you know, Joey, I am
+of a forgiving temper. Tell me, Joey, don't you think I should forgive
+you?"--"Indeed, madam," says Joseph, "I will never do anything to
+disoblige your ladyship."--"How," says she, "do you think it would not
+disoblige me then? Do you think I would willingly suffer you?"--"I don't
+understand you, madam," says Joseph.--"Don't you?" said she, "then you
+are either a fool, or pretend to be so; I find I was mistaken in you. So
+get you downstairs, and never let me see your face again; your pretended
+innocence cannot impose on me."--"Madam," said Joseph, "I would not have
+your ladyship think any evil of me. I have always endeavoured to be a
+dutiful servant both to you and my master."--"O thou villain!" answered
+my lady; "why didst thou mention the name of that dear man, unless to
+torment me, to bring his precious memory to my mind?" (and then she
+burst into a fit of tears.) "Get thee from my sight! I shall never
+endure thee more." At which words she turned away from him; and Joseph
+retreated from the room in a most disconsolate condition, and writ that
+letter which the reader will find in the next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+_How Joseph Andrews writ a letter to his sister Pamela._
+
+
+"To MRS PAMELA ANDREWS, LIVING WITH SQUIRE BOOBY.
+
+"DEAR SISTER,--Since I received your letter of your good lady's death,
+we have had a misfortune of the same kind in our family. My worthy
+master Sir Thomas died about four days ago; and, what is worse, my poor
+lady is certainly gone distracted. None of the servants expected her to
+take it so to heart, because they quarrelled almost every day of their
+lives: but no more of that, because you know, Pamela, I never loved to
+tell the secrets of my master's family; but to be sure you must have
+known they never loved one another; and I have heard her ladyship wish
+his honour dead above a thousand times; but nobody knows what it is to
+lose a friend till they have lost him.
+
+"Don't tell anybody what I write, because I should not care to have
+folks say I discover what passes in our family; but if it had not been
+so great a lady, I should have thought she had had a mind to me. Dear
+Pamela, don't tell anybody; but she ordered me to sit down by her
+bedside, when she was in naked bed; and she held my hand, and talked
+exactly as a lady does to her sweetheart in a stage-play, which I have
+seen in Covent Garden, while she wanted him to be no better than he
+should be.
+
+"If madam be mad, I shall not care for staying long in the family; so I
+heartily wish you could get me a place, either at the squire's, or some
+other neighbouring gentleman's, unless it be true that you are going to
+be married to parson Williams, as folks talk, and then I should be very
+willing to be his clerk; for which you know I am qualified, being able
+to read and to set a psalm.
+
+"I fancy I shall be discharged very soon; and the moment I am, unless I
+hear from you, I shall return to my old master's country-seat, if it be
+only to see parson Adams, who is the best man in the world. London is a
+bad place, and there is so little good fellowship, that the next-door
+neighbours don't know one another. Pray give my service to all friends
+that inquire for me. So I rest
+
+"Your loving brother,
+
+"JOSEPH ANDREWS."
+
+As soon as Joseph had sealed and directed this letter he walked
+downstairs, where he met Mrs. Slipslop, with whom we shall take this
+opportunity to bring the reader a little better acquainted. She was a
+maiden gentlewoman of about forty-five years of age, who, having made a
+small slip in her youth, had continued a good maid ever since. She was
+not at this time remarkably handsome; being very short, and rather too
+corpulent in body, and somewhat red, with the addition of pimples in the
+face. Her nose was likewise rather too large, and her eyes too little;
+nor did she resemble a cow so much in her breath as in two brown globes
+which she carried before her; one of her legs was also a little shorter
+than the other, which occasioned her to limp as she walked. This fair
+creature had long cast the eyes of affection on Joseph, in which she had
+not met with quite so good success as she probably wished, though,
+besides the allurements of her native charms, she had given him tea,
+sweetmeats, wine, and many other delicacies, of which, by keeping the
+keys, she had the absolute command. Joseph, however, had not returned
+the least gratitude to all these favours, not even so much as a kiss;
+though I would not insinuate she was so easily to be satisfied; for
+surely then he would have been highly blameable. The truth is, she was
+arrived at an age when she thought she might indulge herself in any
+liberties with a man, without the danger of bringing a third person into
+the world to betray them. She imagined that by so long a self-denial she
+had not only made amends for the small slip of her youth above hinted
+at, but had likewise laid up a quantity of merit to excuse any future
+failings. In a word, she resolved to give a loose to her amorous
+inclinations, and to pay off the debt of pleasure which she found she
+owed herself, as fast as possible.
+
+With these charms of person, and in this disposition of mind, she
+encountered poor Joseph at the bottom of the stairs, and asked him if he
+would drink a glass of something good this morning. Joseph, whose
+spirits were not a little cast down, very readily and thankfully
+accepted the offer; and together they went into a closet, where, having
+delivered him a full glass of ratafia, and desired him to sit down, Mrs.
+Slipslop thus began:--
+
+"Sure nothing can be a more simple contract in a woman than to place her
+affections on a boy. If I had ever thought it would have been my fate, I
+should have wished to die a thousand deaths rather than live to see that
+day. If we like a man, the lightest hint sophisticates. Whereas a boy
+proposes upon us to break through all the regulations of modesty, before
+we can make any oppression upon him." Joseph, who did not understand a
+word she said, answered, "Yes, madam."--"Yes, madam!" replied Mrs.
+Slipslop with some warmth, "Do you intend to result my passion? Is it
+not enough, ungrateful as you are, to make no return to all the favours
+I have done you; but you must treat me with ironing? Barbarous monster!
+how have I deserved that my passion should be resulted and treated with
+ironing?" "Madam," answered Joseph, "I don't understand your hard words;
+but I am certain you have no occasion to call me ungrateful, for, so far
+from intending you any wrong, I have always loved you as well as if you
+had been my own mother." "How, sirrah!" says Mrs. Slipslop in a rage;
+"your own mother? Do you assinuate that I am old enough to be your
+mother? I don't know what a stripling may think, but I believe a man
+would refer me to any green-sickness silly girl whatsomdever: but I
+ought to despise you rather than be angry with you, for referring the
+conversation of girls to that of a woman of sense."--"Madam," says
+Joseph, "I am sure I have always valued the honour you did me by your
+conversation, for I know you are a woman of learning."--"Yes, but,
+Joseph," said she, a little softened by the compliment to her learning,
+"if you had a value for me, you certainly would have found some method
+of showing it me; for I am convicted you must see the value I have for
+you. Yes, Joseph, my eyes, whether I would or no, must have declared a
+passion I cannot conquer.--Oh! Joseph!"
+
+As when a hungry tigress, who long has traversed the woods in fruitless
+search, sees within the reach of her claws a lamb, she prepares to leap
+on her prey; or as a voracious pike, of immense size, surveys through
+the liquid element a roach or gudgeon, which cannot escape her jaws,
+opens them wide to swallow the little fish; so did Mrs. Slipslop prepare
+to lay her violent amorous hands on the poor Joseph, when luckily her
+mistress's bell rung, and delivered the intended martyr from her
+clutches. She was obliged to leave him abruptly, and to defer the
+execution of her purpose till some other time. We shall therefore return
+to the Lady Booby, and give our reader some account of her behaviour,
+after she was left by Joseph in a temper of mind not greatly different
+from that of the inflamed Slipslop.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+_Sayings of wise men. A dialogue between the lady and her maid; and a
+panegyric, or rather satire, on the passion of love, in the
+sublime style._
+
+
+It is the observation of some antient sage, whose name I have forgot,
+that passions operate differently on the human mind, as diseases on the
+body, in proportion to the strength or weakness, soundness or
+rottenness, of the one and the other.
+
+We hope, therefore, a judicious reader will give himself some pains to
+observe, what we have so greatly laboured to describe, the different
+operations of this passion of love in the gentle and cultivated mind of
+the Lady Booby, from those which it effected in the less polished and
+coarser disposition of Mrs Slipslop.
+
+Another philosopher, whose name also at present escapes my memory, hath
+somewhere said, that resolutions taken in the absence of the beloved
+object are very apt to vanish in its presence; on both which wise
+sayings the following chapter may serve as a comment.
+
+No sooner had Joseph left the room in the manner we have before related
+than the lady, enraged at her disappointment, began to reflect with
+severity on her conduct. Her love was now changed to disdain, which
+pride assisted to torment her. She despised herself for the meanness of
+her passion, and Joseph for its ill success. However, she had now got
+the better of it in her own opinion, and determined immediately to
+dismiss the object. After much tossing and turning in her bed, and many
+soliloquies, which if we had no better matter for our reader we would
+give him, she at last rung the bell as above mentioned, and was
+presently attended by Mrs Slipslop, who was not much better pleased with
+Joseph than the lady herself.
+
+"Slipslop," said Lady Booby, "when did you see Joseph?" The poor woman
+was so surprized at the unexpected sound of his name at so critical a
+time, that she had the greatest difficulty to conceal the confusion she
+was under from her mistress; whom she answered, nevertheless, with
+pretty good confidence, though not entirely void of fear of suspicion,
+that she had not seen him that morning. "I am afraid," said Lady Booby,
+"he is a wild young fellow."--"That he is," said Slipslop, "and a
+wicked one too. To my knowledge he games, drinks, swears, and fights
+eternally; besides, he is horribly indicted to wenching."--"Ay!" said
+the lady, "I never heard that of him."--"O madam!" answered the other,
+"he is so lewd a rascal, that if your ladyship keeps him much longer,
+you will not have one virgin in your house except myself. And yet I
+can't conceive what the wenches see in him, to be so foolishly fond as
+they are; in my eyes, he is as ugly a scarecrow as I ever
+upheld."--"Nay," said the lady, "the boy is well enough."--"La! ma'am,"
+cries Slipslop, "I think him the ragmaticallest fellow in the
+family."--"Sure, Slipslop," says she, "you are mistaken: but which of
+the women do you most suspect?"--"Madam," says Slipslop, "there is Betty
+the chambermaid, I am almost convicted, is with child by him."--"Ay!"
+says the lady, "then pray pay her her wages instantly. I will keep no
+such sluts in my family. And as for Joseph, you may discard him
+too."--"Would your ladyship have him paid off immediately?" cries
+Slipslop, "for perhaps, when Betty is gone he may mend: and really the
+boy is a good servant, and a strong healthy luscious boy enough."--
+"This morning," answered the lady with some vehemence. "I wish, madam,"
+cries Slipslop, "your ladyship would be so good as to try him a little
+longer."--"I will not have my commands disputed," said the lady; "sure
+you are not fond of him yourself?"--"I, madam!" cries Slipslop,
+reddening, if not blushing, "I should be sorry to think your ladyship
+had any reason to respect me of fondness for a fellow; and if it be your
+pleasure, I shall fulfil it with as much reluctance as possible."--"As
+little, I suppose you mean," said the lady; "and so about it instantly."
+Mrs. Slipslop went out, and the lady had scarce taken two turns before
+she fell to knocking and ringing with great violence. Slipslop, who did
+not travel post haste, soon returned, and was countermanded as to
+Joseph, but ordered to send Betty about her business without delay. She
+went out a second time with much greater alacrity than before; when the
+lady began immediately to accuse herself of want of resolution, and to
+apprehend the return of her affection, with its pernicious consequences;
+she therefore applied herself again to the bell, and re-summoned Mrs.
+Slipslop into her presence; who again returned, and was told by her
+mistress that she had considered better of the matter, and was
+absolutely resolved to turn away Joseph; which she ordered her to do
+immediately. Slipslop, who knew the violence of her lady's temper, and
+would not venture her place for any Adonis or Hercules in the universe,
+left her a third time; which she had no sooner done, than the little god
+Cupid, fearing he had not yet done the lady's business, took a fresh
+arrow with the sharpest point out of his quiver, and shot it directly
+into her heart; in other and plainer language, the lady's passion got
+the better of her reason. She called back Slipslop once more, and told
+her she had resolved to see the boy, and examine him herself; therefore
+bid her send him up. This wavering in her mistress's temper probably put
+something into the waiting-gentlewoman's head not necessary to mention
+to the sagacious reader.
+
+Lady Booby was going to call her back again, but could not prevail with
+herself. The next consideration therefore was, how she should behave to
+Joseph when he came in. She resolved to preserve all the dignity of the
+woman of fashion to her servant, and to indulge herself in this last
+view of Joseph (for that she was most certainly resolved it should be)
+at his own expense, by first insulting and then discarding him.
+
+O Love, what monstrous tricks dost thou play with thy votaries of both
+sexes! How dost thou deceive them, and make them deceive themselves!
+Their follies are thy delight! Their sighs make thee laugh, and their
+pangs are thy merriment!
+
+Not the great Rich, who turns men into monkeys, wheel-barrows, and
+whatever else best humours his fancy, hath so strangely metamorphosed
+the human shape; nor the great Cibber, who confounds all number, gender,
+and breaks through every rule of grammar at his will, hath so distorted
+the English language as thou dost metamorphose and distort the
+human senses.
+
+Thou puttest out our eyes, stoppest up our ears, and takest away the
+power of our nostrils; so that we can neither see the largest object,
+hear the loudest noise, nor smell the most poignant perfume. Again, when
+thou pleasest, thou canst make a molehill appear as a mountain, a
+Jew's-harp sound like a trumpet, and a daisy smell like a violet. Thou
+canst make cowardice brave, avarice generous, pride humble, and cruelty
+tender-hearted. In short, thou turnest the heart of man inside out, as a
+juggler doth a petticoat, and bringest whatsoever pleaseth thee out
+from it. If there be any one who doubts all this, let him read the
+next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+_In which, after some very fine writing, the history goes on, and
+relates the interview between the lady and Joseph; where the latter hath
+set an example which we despair of seeing followed by his sex in this
+vicious age._
+
+
+Now the rake Hesperus had called for his breeches, and, having well
+rubbed his drowsy eyes, prepared to dress himself for all night; by
+whose example his brother rakes on earth likewise leave those beds in
+which they had slept away the day. Now Thetis, the good housewife, began
+to put on the pot, in order to regale the good man Phoebus after his
+daily labours were over. In vulgar language, it was in the evening when
+Joseph attended his lady's orders.
+
+But as it becomes us to preserve the character of this lady, who is the
+heroine of our tale; and as we have naturally a wonderful tenderness for
+that beautiful part of the human species called the fair sex; before we
+discover too much of her frailty to our reader, it will be proper to
+give him a lively idea of the vast temptation, which overcame all the
+efforts of a modest and virtuous mind; and then we humbly hope his good
+nature will rather pity than condemn the imperfection of human virtue.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Nay, the ladies themselves will, we hope, be induced, by considering the
+uncommon variety of charms which united in this young man's person, to
+bridle their rampant passion for chastity, and be at least as mild as
+their violent modesty and virtue will permit them, in censuring the
+conduct of a woman who, perhaps, was in her own disposition as chaste
+as those pure and sanctified virgins who, after a life innocently spent
+in the gaieties of the town, begin about fifty to attend twice _per
+diem_ at the polite churches and chapels, to return thanks for the grace
+which preserved them formerly amongst beaus from temptations perhaps
+less powerful than what now attacked the Lady Booby.
+
+Mr Joseph Andrews was now in the one-and-twentieth year of his age. He
+was of the highest degree of middle stature; his limbs were put together
+with great elegance, and no less strength; his legs and thighs were
+formed in the exactest proportion; his shoulders were broad and brawny,
+but yet his arm hung so easily, that he had all the symptoms of strength
+without the least clumsiness. His hair was of a nut-brown colour, and
+was displayed in wanton ringlets down his back; his forehead was high,
+his eyes dark, and as full of sweetness as of fire; his nose a little
+inclined to the Roman; his teeth white and even; his lips full, red, and
+soft; his beard was only rough on his chin and upper lip; but his
+cheeks, in which his blood glowed, were overspread with a thick down;
+his countenance had a tenderness joined with a sensibility
+inexpressible. Add to this the most perfect neatness in his dress, and
+an air which, to those who have not seen many noblemen, would give an
+idea of nobility.
+
+Such was the person who now appeared before the lady. She viewed him
+some time in silence, and twice or thrice before she spake changed her
+mind as to the manner in which she should begin. At length she said to
+him, "Joseph, I am sorry to hear such complaints against you: I am told
+you behave so rudely to the maids, that they cannot do their business in
+quiet; I mean those who are not wicked enough to hearken to your
+solicitations. As to others, they may, perhaps, not call you rude; for
+there are wicked sluts who make one ashamed of one's own sex, and are as
+ready to admit any nauseous familiarity as fellows to offer it: nay,
+there are such in my family, but they shall not stay in it; that
+impudent trollop who is with child by you is discharged by this time."
+
+As a person who is struck through the heart with a thunderbolt looks
+extremely surprised, nay, and perhaps is so too--thus the poor Joseph
+received the false accusation of his mistress; he blushed and looked
+confounded, which she misinterpreted to be symptoms of his guilt, and
+thus went on:--
+
+"Come hither, Joseph: another mistress might discard you for these
+offences; but I have a compassion for your youth, and if I could be
+certain you would be no more guilty--Consider, child," laying her hand
+carelessly upon his, "you are a handsome young fellow, and might do
+better; you might make your fortune." "Madam," said Joseph, "I do assure
+your ladyship I don't know whether any maid in the house is man or
+woman." "Oh fie! Joseph," answered the lady, "don't commit another crime
+in denying the truth. I could pardon the first; but I hate a lyar."
+"Madam," cries Joseph, "I hope your ladyship will not be offended at my
+asserting my innocence; for, by all that is sacred, I have never offered
+more than kissing." "Kissing!" said the lady, with great discomposure of
+countenance, and more redness in her cheeks than anger in her eyes; "do
+you call that no crime? Kissing, Joseph, is as a prologue to a play. Can
+I believe a young fellow of your age and complexion will be content with
+kissing? No, Joseph, there is no woman who grants that but will grant
+more; and I am deceived greatly in you if you would not put her closely
+to it. What would you think, Joseph, if I admitted you to kiss me?"
+Joseph replied he would sooner die than have any such thought. "And
+yet, Joseph," returned she, "ladies have admitted their footmen to such
+familiarities; and footmen, I confess to you, much less deserving them;
+fellows without half your charms--for such might almost excuse the
+crime. Tell me therefore, Joseph, if I should admit you to such freedom,
+what would you think of me?--tell me freely." "Madam," said Joseph, "I
+should think your ladyship condescended a great deal below yourself."
+"Pugh!" said she; "that I am to answer to myself: but would not you
+insist on more? Would you be contented with a kiss? Would not your
+inclinations be all on fire rather by such a favour?" "Madam," said
+Joseph, "if they were, I hope I should be able to controul them, without
+suffering them to get the better of my virtue." You have heard, reader,
+poets talk of the statue of Surprize; you have heard likewise, or else
+you have heard very little, how Surprize made one of the sons of Croesus
+speak, though he was dumb. You have seen the faces, in the
+eighteen-penny gallery, when, through the trap-door, to soft or no
+music, Mr. Bridgewater, Mr. William Mills, or some other of ghostly
+appearance, hath ascended, with a face all pale with powder, and a shirt
+all bloody with ribbons;--but from none of these, nor from Phidias or
+Praxiteles, if they should return to life--no, not from the inimitable
+pencil of my friend Hogarth, could you receive such an idea of surprize
+as would have entered in at your eyes had they beheld the Lady Booby
+when those last words issued out from the lips of Joseph. "Your virtue!"
+said the lady, recovering after a silence of two minutes; "I shall never
+survive it. Your virtue!--intolerable confidence! Have you the assurance
+to pretend, that when a lady demeans herself to throw aside the rules of
+decency, in order to honour you with the highest favour in her power,
+your virtue should resist her inclination? that, when she had conquered
+her own virtue, she should find an obstruction in yours?" "Madam," said
+Joseph, "I can't see why her having no virtue should be a reason against
+my having any; or why, because I am a man, or because I am poor, my
+virtue must be subservient to her pleasures." "I am out of patience,"
+cries the lady: "did ever mortal hear of a man's virtue? Did ever the
+greatest or the gravest men pretend to any of this kind? Will
+magistrates who punish lewdness, or parsons who preach against it, make
+any scruple of committing it? And can a boy, a stripling, have the
+confidence to talk of his virtue?" "Madam," says Joseph, "that boy is
+the brother of Pamela, and would be ashamed that the chastity of his
+family, which is preserved in her, should be stained in him. If there
+are such men as your ladyship mentions, I am sorry for it; and I wish
+they had an opportunity of reading over those letters which my father
+hath sent me of my sister Pamela's; nor do I doubt but such an example
+would amend them." "You impudent villain!" cries the lady in a rage; "do
+you insult me with the follies of my relation, who hath exposed himself
+all over the country upon your sister's account? a little vixen, whom I
+have always wondered my late Lady Booby ever kept in her house. Sirrah!
+get out of my sight, and prepare to set out this night; for I will order
+you your wages immediately, and you shall be stripped and turned away."
+"Madam," says Joseph, "I am sorry I have offended your ladyship, I am
+sure I never intended it." "Yes, sirrah," cries she, "you have had the
+vanity to misconstrue the little innocent freedom I took, in order to
+try whether what I had heard was true. O' my conscience, you have had
+the assurance to imagine I was fond of you myself." Joseph answered, he
+had only spoke out of tenderness for his virtue; at which words she
+flew into a violent passion, and refusing to hear more, ordered him
+instantly to leave the room.
+
+He was no sooner gone than she burst forth into the following
+exclamation:--"Whither doth this violent passion hurry us? What
+meannesses do we submit to from its impulse! Wisely we resist its first
+and least approaches; for it is then only we can assure ourselves the
+victory. No woman could ever safely say, so far only will I go. Have I
+not exposed myself to the refusal of my footman? I cannot bear the
+reflection." Upon which she applied herself to the bell, and rung it
+with infinite more violence than was necessary--the faithful Slipslop
+attending near at hand: to say the truth, she had conceived a suspicion
+at her last interview with her mistress, and had waited ever since in
+the antechamber, having carefully applied her ears to the keyhole during
+the whole time that the preceding conversation passed between Joseph
+and the lady.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+_What passed between the lady and Mrs Slipslop; in which we prophesy
+there are some strokes which every one will not truly comprehend at the
+first reading._
+
+
+"Slipslop," said the lady, "I find too much reason to believe all thou
+hast told me of this wicked Joseph; I have determined to part with him
+instantly; so go you to the steward, and bid him pay his wages."
+Slipslop, who had preserved hitherto a distance to her lady--rather out
+of necessity than inclination--and who thought the knowledge of this
+secret had thrown down all distinction between them, answered her
+mistress very pertly--"She wished she knew her own mind; and that she
+was certain she would call her back again before she was got half-way
+downstairs." The lady replied, she had taken a resolution, and was
+resolved to keep it. "I am sorry for it," cries Slipslop, "and, if I had
+known you would have punished the poor lad so severely, you should never
+have heard a particle of the matter. Here's a fuss indeed about
+nothing!" "Nothing!" returned my lady; "do you think I will countenance
+lewdness in my house?" "If you will turn away every footman," said
+Slipslop, "that is a lover of the sport, you must soon open the coach
+door yourself, or get a set of mophrodites to wait upon you; and I am
+sure I hated the sight of them even singing in an opera." "Do as I bid
+you," says my lady, "and don't shock my ears with your beastly
+language." "Marry-come-up," cries Slipslop, "people's ears are sometimes
+the nicest part about them."
+
+The lady, who began to admire the new style in which her
+waiting-gentlewoman delivered herself, and by the conclusion of her
+speech suspected somewhat of the truth, called her back, and desired to
+know what she meant by the extraordinary degree of freedom in which she
+thought proper to indulge her tongue. "Freedom!" says Slipslop; "I don't
+know what you call freedom, madam; servants have tongues as well as
+their mistresses." "Yes, and saucy ones too," answered the lady; "but I
+assure you I shall bear no such impertinence." "Impertinence! I don't
+know that I am impertinent," says Slipslop. "Yes, indeed you are," cries
+my lady, "and, unless you mend your manners, this house is no place for
+you." "Manners!" cries Slipslop; "I never was thought to want manners
+nor modesty neither; and for places, there are more places than one; and
+I know what I know." "What do you know, mistress?" answered the lady. "I
+am not obliged to tell that to everybody," says Slipslop, "any more than
+I am obliged to keep it a secret." "I desire you would provide
+yourself," answered the lady. "With all my heart," replied the
+waiting-gentlewoman; and so departed in a passion, and slapped the door
+after her.
+
+The lady too plainly perceived that her waiting-gentlewoman knew more
+than she would willingly have had her acquainted with; and this she
+imputed to Joseph's having discovered to her what passed at the first
+interview. This, therefore, blew up her rage against him, and confirmed
+her in a resolution of parting with him.
+
+But the dismissing Mrs Slipslop was a point not so easily to be resolved
+upon. She had the utmost tenderness for her reputation, as she knew on
+that depended many of the most valuable blessings of life; particularly
+cards, making curtsies in public places, and, above all, the pleasure of
+demolishing the reputations of others, in which innocent amusement she
+had an extraordinary delight. She therefore determined to submit to any
+insult from a servant, rather than run a risque of losing the title to
+so many great privileges.
+
+She therefore sent for her steward, Mr Peter Pounce, and ordered him to
+pay Joseph his wages, to strip off his livery, and to turn him out of
+the house that evening.
+
+She then called Slipslop up, and, after refreshing her spirits with a
+small cordial, which she kept in her corset, she began in the
+following manner:--
+
+"Slipslop, why will you, who know my passionate temper, attempt to
+provoke me by your answers? I am convinced you are an honest servant,
+and should be very unwilling to part with you. I believe, likewise, you
+have found me an indulgent mistress on many occasions, and have as
+little reason on your side to desire a change. I can't help being
+surprized, therefore, that you will take the surest method to offend
+me--I mean, repeating my words, which you know I have always detested."
+
+The prudent waiting-gentlewoman had duly weighed the whole matter, and
+found, on mature deliberation, that a good place in possession was
+better than one in expectation. As she found her mistress, therefore,
+inclined to relent, she thought proper also to put on some small
+condescension, which was as readily accepted; and so the affair was
+reconciled, all offences forgiven, and a present of a gown and petticoat
+made her, as an instance of her lady's future favour.
+
+She offered once or twice to speak in favour of Joseph; but found her
+lady's heart so obdurate, that she prudently dropt all such efforts. She
+considered there were more footmen in the house, and some as stout
+fellows, though not quite so handsome, as Joseph; besides, the reader
+hath already seen her tender advances had not met with the encouragement
+she might have reasonable expected. She thought she had thrown away a
+great deal of sack and sweetmeats on an ungrateful rascal; and, being a
+little inclined to the opinion of that female sect, who hold one lusty
+young fellow to be nearly as good as another lusty young fellow, she at
+last gave up Joseph and his cause, and, with a triumph over her passion
+highly commendable, walked off with her present, and with great
+tranquillity paid a visit to a stone-bottle, which is of sovereign use
+to a philosophical temper.
+
+She left not her mistress so easy. The poor lady could not reflect
+without agony that her dear reputation was in the power of her servants.
+all her comfort as to Joseph was, that she hoped he did not understand
+her meaning; at least she could say for herself, she had not plainly
+expressed anything to him; and as to Mrs Slipslop, she imagines she
+could bribe her to secrecy.
+
+But what hurt her most was, that in reality she had not so entirely
+conquered her passion; the little god lay lurking in her heart, though
+anger and distain so hood-winked her, that she could not see him. She
+was a thousand times on the very brink of revoking the sentence she had
+passed against the poor youth. Love became his advocate, and whispered
+many things in his favour. Honour likewise endeavoured to vindicate his
+crime, and Pity to mitigate his punishment. On the other side, Pride and
+Revenge spoke as loudly against him. And thus the poor lady was tortured
+with perplexity, opposite passions distracting and tearing her mind
+different ways.
+
+So have I seen, in the hall of Westminster, where Serjeant Bramble hath
+been retained on the right side, and Serjeant Puzzle on the left, the
+balance of opinion (so equal were their fees) alternately incline to
+either scale. Now Bramble throws in an argument, and Puzzle's scale
+strikes the beam; again Bramble shares the like fate, overpowered by the
+weight of Puzzle. Here Bramble hits, there Puzzle strikes; here one has
+you, there t'other has you; till at last all becomes one scene of
+confusion in the tortured minds of the hearers; equal wagers are laid on
+the success, and neither judge nor jury can possibly make anything of
+the matter; all things are so enveloped by the careful serjeants in
+doubt and obscurity.
+
+Or, as it happens in the conscience, where honour and honesty pull one
+way, and a bribe and necessity another.--If it was our present
+business only to make similes, we could produce many more to this
+purpose; but a simile (as well as a word) to the wise.--We shall
+therefore see a little after our hero, for whom the reader is doubtless
+in some pain.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+_Joseph writes another letter: his transactions with Mr Peter Pounce,
+&c., with his departure from Lady Booby._
+
+
+The disconsolate Joseph would not have had an understanding sufficient
+for the principal subject of such a book as this, if he had any longer
+misunderstood the drift of his mistress; and indeed, that he did not
+discern it sooner, the reader will be pleased to impute to an
+unwillingness in him to discover what he must condemn in her as a fault.
+Having therefore quitted her presence, he retired into his own garret,
+and entered himself into an ejaculation on the numberless calamities
+which attended beauty, and the misfortune it was to be handsomer than
+one's neighbours.
+
+He then sat down, and addressed himself to his sister Pamela in the
+following words:--
+
+"Dear Sister Pamela,--Hoping you are well, what news have I to tell you!
+O Pamela! my mistress is fallen in love with me-that is, what great
+folks call falling in love-she has a mind to ruin me; but I hope I shall
+have more resolution and more grace than to part with my virtue to any
+lady upon earth.
+
+"Mr Adams hath often told me, that chastity is as great a virtue in a
+man as in a woman. He says he never knew any more than his wife, and I
+shall endeavour to follow his example. Indeed, it is owing entirely to
+his excellent sermons and advice, together with your letters, that I
+have been able to resist a temptation, which, he says, no man complies
+with, but he repents in this world, or is damned for it in the next; and
+why should I trust to repentance on my deathbed, since I may die in my
+sleep? What fine things are good advice and good examples! But I am
+glad she turned me out of the chamber as she did: for I had once almost
+forgotten every word parson Adams had ever said to me.
+
+"I don't doubt, dear sister, but you will have grace to preserve your
+virtue against all trials; and I beg you earnestly to pray I may be
+enabled to preserve mine; for truly it is very severely attacked by more
+than one; but I hope I shall copy your example, and that of Joseph my
+namesake, and maintain my virtue against all temptations."
+
+Joseph had not finished his letter, when he was summoned downstairs by
+Mr Peter Pounce, to receive his wages; for, besides that out of eight
+pounds a year he allowed his father and mother four, he had been
+obliged, in order to furnish himself with musical instruments, to apply
+to the generosity of the aforesaid Peter, who, on urgent occasions, used
+to advance the servants their wages: not before they were due, but
+before they were payable; that is, perhaps, half a year after they were
+due; and this at the moderate premium of fifty per cent, or a little
+more: by which charitable methods, together with lending money to other
+people, and even to his own master and mistress, the honest man had,
+from nothing, in a few years amassed a small sum of twenty thousand
+pounds or thereabouts.
+
+Joseph having received his little remainder of wages, and having stript
+off his livery, was forced to borrow a frock and breeches of one of the
+servants (for he was so beloved in the family, that they would all have
+lent him anything): and, being told by Peter that he must not stay a
+moment longer in the house than was necessary to pack up his linen,
+which he easily did in a very narrow compass, he took a melancholy leave
+of his fellow-servants, and set out at seven in the evening.
+
+He had proceeded the length of two or three streets, before he
+absolutely determined with himself whether he should leave the town that
+night, or, procuring a lodging, wait till the morning. At last, the moon
+shining very bright helped him to come to a resolution of beginning his
+journey immediately, to which likewise he had some other inducements;
+which the reader, without being a conjurer, cannot possibly guess, till
+we have given him those hints which it may be now proper to open.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+_Of several new matters not expected._
+
+
+It is an observation sometimes made, that to indicate our idea of a
+simple fellow, we say, he is easily to be seen through: nor do I believe
+it a more improper denotation of a simple book. Instead of applying this
+to any particular performance, we chuse rather to remark the contrary in
+this history, where the scene opens itself by small degrees; and he is a
+sagacious reader who can see two chapters before him.
+
+For this reason, we have not hitherto hinted a matter which now seems
+necessary to be explained; since it may be wondered at, first, that
+Joseph made such extraordinary haste out of town, which hath been
+already shewn; and secondly, which will be now shewn, that, instead of
+proceeding to the habitation of his father and mother, or to his beloved
+sister Pamela, he chose rather to set out full speed to the Lady Booby's
+country-seat, which he had left on his journey to London.
+
+Be it known, then, that in the same parish where this seat stood there
+lived a young girl whom Joseph (though the best of sons and brothers)
+longed more impatiently to see than his parents or his sister. She was a
+poor girl, who had formerly been bred up in Sir John's family; whence, a
+little before the journey to London, she had been discarded by Mrs
+Slipslop, on account of her extraordinary beauty: for I never could find
+any other reason.
+
+This young creature (who now lived with a farmer in the parish) had been
+always beloved by Joseph, and returned his affection. She was two years
+only younger than our hero. They had been acquainted from their infancy,
+and had conceived a very early liking for each other; which had grown to
+such a degree of affection, that Mr Adams had with much ado prevented
+them from marrying, and persuaded them to wait till a few years' service
+and thrift had a little improved their experience, and enabled them to
+live comfortably together.
+
+They followed this good man's advice, as indeed his word was little less
+than a law in his parish; for as he had shown his parishioners, by an
+uniform behaviour of thirty-five years' duration, that he had their good
+entirely at heart, so they consulted him on every occasion, and very
+seldom acted contrary to his opinion.
+
+Nothing can be imagined more tender than was the parting between these
+two lovers. A thousand sighs heaved the bosom of Joseph, a thousand
+tears distilled from the lovely eyes of Fanny (for that was her name).
+Though her modesty would only suffer her to admit his eager kisses, her
+violent love made her more than passive in his embraces; and she often
+pulled him to her breast with a soft pressure, which though perhaps it
+would not have squeezed an insect to death, caused more emotion in the
+heart of Joseph than the closest Cornish hug could have done.
+
+The reader may perhaps wonder that so fond a pair should, during a
+twelvemonth's absence, never converse with one another: indeed, there
+was but one reason which did or could have prevented them; and this was,
+that poor Fanny could neither write nor read: nor could she be prevailed
+upon to transmit the delicacies of her tender and chaste passion by the
+hands of an amanuensis.
+
+They contented themselves therefore with frequent inquiries after each
+other's health, with a mutual confidence in each other's fidelity, and
+the prospect of their future happiness.
+
+Having explained these matters to our reader, and, as far as possible,
+satisfied all his doubts, we return to honest Joseph, whom we left just
+set out on his travels by the light of the moon.
+
+Those who have read any romance or poetry, antient or modern, must have
+been informed that love hath wings: by which they are not to understand,
+as some young ladies by mistake have done, that a lover can fly; the
+writers, by this ingenious allegory, intending to insinuate no more than
+that lovers do not march like horse-guards; in short, that they put the
+best leg foremost; which our lusty youth, who could walk with any man,
+did so heartily on this occasion, that within four hours he reached a
+famous house of hospitality well known to the western traveller. It
+presents you a lion on the sign-post: and the master, who was christened
+Timotheus, is commonly called plain Tim. Some have conceived that he
+hath particularly chosen the lion for his sign, as he doth in
+countenance greatly resemble that magnanimous beast, though his
+disposition savours more of the sweetness of the lamb. He is a person
+well received among all sorts of men, being qualified to render himself
+agreeable to any; as he is well versed in history and politics, hath a
+smattering in law and divinity, cracks a good jest, and plays
+wonderfully well on the French horn.
+
+A violent storm of hail forced Joseph to take shelter in this inn, where
+he remembered Sir Thomas had dined in his way to town. Joseph had no
+sooner seated himself by the kitchen fire than Timotheus, observing his
+livery, began to condole the loss of his late master; who was, he said,
+his very particular and intimate acquaintance, with whom he had cracked
+many a merry bottle, ay many a dozen, in his time. He then remarked,
+that all these things were over now, all passed, and just as if they had
+never been; and concluded with an excellent observation on the certainty
+of death, which his wife said was indeed very true. A fellow now arrived
+at the same inn with two horses, one of which he was leading farther
+down into the country to meet his master; these he put into the stable,
+and came and took his place by Joseph's side, who immediately knew him
+to be the servant of a neighbouring gentleman, who used to visit at
+their house.
+
+This fellow was likewise forced in by the storm; for he had orders to go
+twenty miles farther that evening, and luckily on the same road which
+Joseph himself intended to take. He, therefore, embraced this
+opportunity of complimenting his friend with his master's horse
+(notwithstanding he had received express commands to the contrary),
+which was readily accepted; and so, after they had drank a loving pot,
+and the storm was over, they set out together.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+_Containing many surprizing adventures which Joseph Andrews met with on
+the road, scarce credible to those who have never travelled in a
+stage-coach._
+
+
+Nothing remarkable happened on the road till their arrival at the inn to
+which the horses were ordered; whither they came about two in the
+morning. The moon then shone very bright; and Joseph, making his friend
+a present of a pint of wine, and thanking him for the favour of his
+horse, notwithstanding all entreaties to the contrary, proceeded on his
+journey on foot.
+
+He had not gone above two miles, charmed with the hope of shortly seeing
+his beloved Fanny, when he was met by two fellows in a narrow lane, and
+ordered to stand and deliver. He readily gave them all the money he had,
+which was somewhat less than two pounds; and told them he hoped they
+would be so generous as to return him a few shillings, to defray his
+charges on his way home.
+
+One of the ruffians answered with an oath, "Yes, we'll give you
+something presently: but first strip and be d---n'd to you."--"Strip,"
+cried the other, "or I'll blow your brains to the devil." Joseph,
+remembering that he had borrowed his coat and breeches of a friend, and
+that he should be ashamed of making any excuse for not returning them,
+replied, he hoped they would not insist on his clothes, which were not
+worth much, but consider the coldness of the night. "You are cold, are
+you, you rascal?" said one of the robbers: "I'll warm you with a
+vengeance;" and, damning his eyes, snapped a pistol at his head; which
+he had no sooner done than the other levelled a blow at him with his
+stick, which Joseph, who was expert at cudgel-playing, caught with his,
+and returned the favour so successfully on his adversary, that he laid
+him sprawling at his feet, and at the same instant received a blow from
+behind, with the butt end of a pistol, from the other villain, which
+felled him to the ground, and totally deprived him of his senses.
+
+The thief who had been knocked down had now recovered himself; and both
+together fell to belabouring poor Joseph with their sticks, till they
+were convinced they had put an end to his miserable being: they then
+stripped him entirely naked, threw him into a ditch, and departed with
+their booty.
+
+The poor wretch, who lay motionless a long time, just began to recover
+his senses as a stage-coach came by. The postillion, hearing a man's
+groans, stopt his horses, and told the coachman he was certain there was
+a dead man lying in the ditch, for he heard him groan. "Go on, sirrah,"
+says the coachman; "we are confounded late, and have no time to look
+after dead men." A lady, who heard what the postillion said, and
+likewise heard the groan, called eagerly to the coachman to stop and see
+what was the matter. Upon which he bid the postillion alight, and look
+into the ditch. He did so, and returned, "that there was a man sitting
+upright, as naked as ever he was born."--"O J--sus!" cried the lady; "a
+naked man! Dear coachman, drive on and leave him." Upon this the
+gentlemen got out of the coach; and Joseph begged them to have mercy
+upon him: for that he had been robbed and almost beaten to death.
+"Robbed!" cries an old gentleman: "let us make all the haste imaginable,
+or we shall be robbed too." A young man who belonged to the law
+answered, "He wished they had passed by without taking any notice; but
+that now they might be proved to have been last in his company; if he
+should die they might be called to some account for his murder. He
+therefore thought it advisable to save the poor creature's life, for
+their own sakes, if possible; at least, if he died, to prevent the
+jury's finding that they fled for it. He was therefore of opinion to
+take the man into the coach, and carry him to the next inn." The lady
+insisted, "That he should not come into the coach. That if they lifted
+him in, she would herself alight: for she had rather stay in that place
+to all eternity than ride with a naked man." The coachman objected,
+"That he could not suffer him to be taken in unless somebody would pay a
+shilling for his carriage the four miles." Which the two gentlemen
+refused to do. But the lawyer, who was afraid of some mischief happening
+to himself, if the wretch was left behind in that condition, saying no
+man could be too cautious in these matters, and that he remembered very
+extraordinary cases in the books, threatened the coachman, and bid him
+deny taking him up at his peril; for that, if he died, he should be
+indicted for his murder; and if he lived, and brought an action against
+him, he would willingly take a brief in it. These words had a sensible
+effect on the coachman, who was well acquainted with the person who
+spoke them; and the old gentleman above mentioned, thinking the naked
+man would afford him frequent opportunities of showing his wit to the
+lady, offered to join with the company in giving a mug of beer for his
+fare; till, partly alarmed by the threats of the one, and partly by the
+promises of the other, and being perhaps a little moved with compassion
+at the poor creature's condition, who stood bleeding and shivering with
+the cold, he at length agreed; and Joseph was now advancing to the
+coach, where, seeing the lady, who held the sticks of her fan before her
+eyes, he absolutely refused, miserable as he was, to enter, unless he
+was furnished with sufficient covering to prevent giving the least
+offence to decency--so perfectly modest was this young man; such mighty
+effects had the spotless example of the amiable Pamela, and the
+excellent sermons of Mr Adams, wrought upon him.
+
+Though there were several greatcoats about the coach, it was not easy to
+get over this difficulty which Joseph had started. The two gentlemen
+complained they were cold, and could not spare a rag; the man of wit
+saying, with a laugh, that charity began at home; and the coachman, who
+had two greatcoats spread under him, refused to lend either, lest they
+should be made bloody: the lady's footman desired to be excused for the
+same reason, which the lady herself, notwithstanding her abhorrence of a
+naked man, approved: and it is more than probable poor Joseph, who
+obstinately adhered to his modest resolution, must have perished, unless
+the postillion (a lad who hath been since transported for robbing a
+hen-roost) had voluntarily stript off a greatcoat, his only garment, at
+the same time swearing a great oath (for which he was rebuked by the
+passengers), "that he would rather ride in his shirt all his life than
+suffer a fellow-creature to lie in so miserable a condition."
+
+Joseph, having put on the greatcoat, was lifted into the coach, which
+now proceeded on its journey. He declared himself almost dead with the
+cold, which gave the man of wit an occasion to ask the lady if she could
+not accommodate him with a dram. She answered, with some resentment,
+"She wondered at his asking her such a question; but assured him she
+never tasted any such thing."
+
+The lawyer was inquiring into the circumstances of the robbery, when the
+coach stopt, and one of the ruffians, putting a pistol in, demanded
+their money of the passengers, who readily gave it them; and the lady,
+in her fright, delivered up a little silver bottle, of about a
+half-pint size, which the rogue, clapping it to his mouth, and drinking
+her health, declared, held some of the best Nantes he had ever tasted:
+this the lady afterwards assured the company was the mistake of her
+maid, for that she had ordered her to fill the bottle with
+Hungary-water.
+
+As soon as the fellows were departed, the lawyer, who had, it seems, a
+case of pistols in the seat of the coach, informed the company, that if
+it had been daylight, and he could have come at his pistols, he would
+not have submitted to the robbery: he likewise set forth that he had
+often met highwaymen when he travelled on horseback, but none ever durst
+attack him; concluding that, if he had not been more afraid for the lady
+than for himself, he should not have now parted with his money
+so easily.
+
+As wit is generally observed to love to reside in empty pockets, so the
+gentleman whose ingenuity we have above remarked, as soon as he had
+parted with his money, began to grow wonderfully facetious. He made
+frequent allusions to Adam and Eve, and said many excellent things on
+figs and fig-leaves; which perhaps gave more offence to Joseph than to
+any other in the company.
+
+The lawyer likewise made several very pretty jests without departing
+from his profession. He said, "If Joseph and the lady were alone, he
+would be more capable of making a conveyance to her, as his affairs were
+not fettered with any incumbrance; he'd warrant he soon suffered a
+recovery by a writ of entry, which was the proper way to create heirs in
+tail; that, for his own part, he would engage to make so firm a
+settlement in a coach, that there should be no danger of an ejectment,"
+with an inundation of the like gibberish, which he continued to vent
+till the coach arrived at an inn, where one servant-maid only was up, in
+readiness to attend the coachman, and furnish him with cold meat and a
+dram. Joseph desired to alight, and that he might have a bed prepared
+for him, which the maid readily promised to perform; and, being a
+good-natured wench, and not so squeamish as the lady had been, she clapt
+a large fagot on the fire, and, furnishing Joseph with a greatcoat
+belonging to one of the hostlers, desired him to sit down and warm
+himself whilst she made his bed. The coachman, in the meantime, took an
+opportunity to call up a surgeon, who lived within a few doors; after
+which, he reminded his passengers how late they were, and, after they
+had taken leave of Joseph, hurried them off as fast as he could.
+
+The wench soon got Joseph to bed, and promised to use her interest to
+borrow him a shirt; but imagining, as she afterwards said, by his being
+so bloody, that he must be a dead man, she ran with all speed to hasten
+the surgeon, who was more than half drest, apprehending that the coach
+had been overturned, and some gentleman or lady hurt. As soon as the
+wench had informed him at his window that it was a poor foot-passenger
+who had been stripped of all he had, and almost murdered, he chid her
+for disturbing him so early, slipped off his clothes again, and very
+quietly returned to bed and to sleep.
+
+Aurora now began to shew her blooming cheeks over the hills, whilst ten
+millions of feathered songsters, in jocund chorus, repeated odes a
+thousand times sweeter than those of our laureat, and sung both the day
+and the song; when the master of the inn, Mr Tow-wouse, arose, and
+learning from his maid an account of the robbery, and the situation of
+his poor naked guest, he shook his head, and cried, "good-lack-a-day!"
+and then ordered the girl to carry him one of his own shirts.
+
+Mrs Tow-wouse was just awake, and had stretched out her arms in vain to
+fold her departed husband, when the maid entered the room. "Who's there?
+Betty?"--"Yes, madam."--"Where's your master?"--"He's without, madam;
+he hath sent me for a shirt to lend a poor naked man, who hath been
+robbed and murdered."--"Touch one if you dare, you slut," said Mrs
+Tow-wouse: "your master is a pretty sort of a man, to take in naked
+vagabonds, and clothe them with his own clothes. I shall have no such
+doings. If you offer to touch anything, I'll throw the chamber-pot at
+your head. Go, send your master to me."--"Yes, madam," answered Betty.
+As soon as he came in, she thus began: "What the devil do you mean by
+this, Mr Tow-wouse? Am I to buy shirts to lend to a set of scabby
+rascals?"--"My dear," said Mr Tow-wouse, "this is a poor
+wretch."--"Yes," says she, "I know it is a poor wretch; but what the
+devil have we to do with poor wretches? The law makes us provide for too
+many already. We shall have thirty or forty poor wretches in red coats
+shortly."--"My dear," cries Tow-wouse, "this man hath been robbed of all
+he hath."--"Well then," said she, "where's his money to pay his
+reckoning? Why doth not such a fellow go to an alehouse? I shall send
+him packing as soon as I am up, I assure you."--"My dear," said he,
+"common charity won't suffer you to do that."--"Common charity, a f--t!"
+says she, "common charity teaches us to provide for ourselves and our
+families; and I and mine won't be ruined by your charity, I assure
+you."--"Well," says he, "my dear, do as you will, when you are up; you
+know I never contradict you."--"No," says she; "if the devil was to
+contradict me, I would make the house too hot to hold him."
+
+With such like discourses they consumed near half-an-hour, whilst Betty
+provided a shirt from the hostler, who was one of her sweethearts, and
+put it on poor Joseph. The surgeon had likewise at last visited him, and
+washed and drest his wounds, and was now come to acquaint Mr Tow-wouse
+that his guest was in such extreme danger of his life, that he scarce
+saw any hopes of his recovery. "Here's a pretty kettle of fish," cries
+Mrs Tow-wouse, "you have brought upon us! We are like to have a funeral
+at our own expense." Tow-wouse (who, notwithstanding his charity, would
+have given his vote as freely as ever he did at an election, that any
+other house in the kingdom should have quiet possession of his guest)
+answered, "My dear, I am not to blame; he was brought hither by the
+stage-coach, and Betty had put him to bed before I was stirring."--"I'll
+Betty her," says she.--At which, with half her garments on, the other
+half under her arm, she sallied out in quest of the unfortunate Betty,
+whilst Tow-wouse and the surgeon went to pay a visit to poor Joseph, and
+inquire into the circumstances of this melancholy affair.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+_What happened to Joseph during his sickness at the inn, with the
+curious discourse between him and Mr Barnabas, the parson of
+the parish._
+
+
+As soon as Joseph had communicated a particular history of the robbery,
+together with a short account of himself, and his intended journey, he
+asked the surgeon if he apprehended him to be in any danger: to which
+the surgeon very honestly answered, "He feared he was; for that his
+pulse was very exalted and feverish, and, if his fever should prove more
+than symptomatic, it would be impossible to save him." Joseph, fetching
+a deep sigh, cried, "Poor Fanny, I would I could have lived to see thee!
+but God's will be done."
+
+The surgeon then advised him, if he had any worldly affairs to settle,
+that he would do it as soon as possible; for, though he hoped he might
+recover, yet he thought himself obliged to acquaint him he was in great
+danger; and if the malign concoction of his humours should cause a
+suscitation of his fever, he might soon grow delirious and incapable to
+make his will. Joseph answered, "That it was impossible for any creature
+in the universe to be in a poorer condition than himself; for since the
+robbery he had not one thing of any kind whatever which he could call
+his own." "I had," said he, "a poor little piece of gold, which they
+took away, that would have been a comfort to me in all my afflictions;
+but surely, Fanny, I want nothing to remind me of thee. I have thy dear
+image in my heart, and no villain can ever tear it thence."
+
+Joseph desired paper and pens, to write a letter, but they were refused
+him; and he was advised to use all his endeavours to compose himself.
+They then left him; and Mr Tow-wouse sent to a clergyman to come and
+administer his good offices to the soul of poor Joseph, since the
+surgeon despaired of making any successful applications to his body.
+
+Mr Barnabas (for that was the clergyman's name) came as soon as sent
+for; and, having first drank a dish of tea with the landlady, and
+afterwards a bowl of punch with the landlord, he walked up to the room
+where Joseph lay; but, finding him asleep, returned to take the other
+sneaker; which when he had finished, he again crept softly up to the
+chamber-door, and, having opened it, heard the sick man talking to
+himself in the following manner:--
+
+"O most adorable Pamela! most virtuous sister! whose example could alone
+enable me to withstand all the temptations of riches and beauty, and to
+preserve my virtue pure and chaste for the arms of my dear Fanny, if it
+had pleased Heaven that I should ever have come unto them. What riches,
+or honours, or pleasures, can make us amends for the loss of innocence?
+Doth not that alone afford us more consolation than all worldly
+acquisitions? What but innocence and virtue could give any comfort to
+such a miserable wretch as I am? Yet these can make me prefer this sick
+and painful bed to all the pleasures I should have found in my lady's.
+These can make me face death without fear; and though I love my Fanny
+more than ever man loved a woman, these can teach me to resign myself to
+the Divine will without repining. O thou delightful charming creature!
+if Heaven had indulged thee to my arms, the poorest, humblest state
+would have been a paradise; I could have lived with thee in the lowest
+cottage without envying the palaces, the dainties, or the riches of any
+man breathing. But I must leave thee, leave thee for ever, my dearest
+angel! I must think of another world; and I heartily pray thou may'st
+meet comfort in this."--Barnabas thought he had heard enough, so
+downstairs he went, and told Tow-wouse he could do his guest no service;
+for that he was very light-headed, and had uttered nothing but a
+rhapsody of nonsense all the time he stayed in the room.
+
+The surgeon returned in the afternoon, and found his patient in a higher
+fever, as he said, than when he left him, though not delirious; for,
+notwithstanding Mr Barnabas's opinion, he had not been once out of his
+senses since his arrival at the inn.
+
+Mr Barnabas was again sent for, and with much difficulty prevailed on to
+make another visit. As soon as he entered the room he told Joseph "He
+was come to pray by him, and to prepare him for another world: in the
+first place, therefore, he hoped he had repented of all his sins."
+Joseph answered, "He hoped he had; but there was one thing which he knew
+not whether he should call a sin; if it was, he feared he should die in
+the commission of it; and that was, the regret of parting with a young
+woman whom he loved as tenderly as he did his heart-strings." Barnabas
+bad him be assured "that any repining at the Divine will was one of the
+greatest sins he could commit; that he ought to forget all carnal
+affections, and think of better things." Joseph said, "That neither in
+this world nor the next he could forget his Fanny; and that the thought,
+however grievous, of parting from her for ever, was not half so
+tormenting as the fear of what she would suffer when she knew his
+misfortune." Barnabas said, "That such fears argued a diffidence and
+despondence very criminal; that he must divest himself of all human
+passions, and fix his heart above." Joseph answered, "That was what he
+desired to do, and should be obliged to him if he would enable him to
+accomplish it." Barnabas replied, "That must be done by grace." Joseph
+besought him to discover how he might attain it. Barnabas answered, "By
+prayer and faith." He then questioned him concerning his forgiveness of
+the thieves. Joseph answered, "He feared that was more than he could do;
+for nothing would give him more pleasure than to hear they were
+taken."--"That," cries Barnabas, "is for the sake of justice."--"Yes,"
+said Joseph, "but if I was to meet them again, I am afraid I should
+attack them, and kill them too, if I could."--"Doubtless," answered
+Barnabas, "it is lawful to kill a thief; but can you say you forgive
+them as a Christian ought?" Joseph desired to know what that forgiveness
+was. "That is," answered Barnabas, "to forgive them as--as--it is to
+forgive them as--in short, it is to forgive them as a Christian."--
+Joseph replied, "He forgave them as much as he could."--"Well, well,"
+said Barnabas, "that will do." He then demanded of him, "If he
+remembered any more sins unrepented of; and if he did, he desired him to
+make haste and repent of them as fast as he could, that they might
+repeat over a few prayers together." Joseph answered, "He could not
+recollect any great crimes he had been guilty of, and that those he had
+committed he was sincerely sorry for." Barnabas said that was enough,
+and then proceeded to prayer with all the expedition he was master of,
+some company then waiting for him below in the parlour, where the
+ingredients for punch were all in readiness; but no one would squeeze
+the oranges till he came.
+
+Joseph complained he was dry, and desired a little tea; which Barnabas
+reported to Mrs Tow-wouse, who answered, "She had just done drinking it,
+and could not be slopping all day;" but ordered Betty to carry him up
+some small beer.
+
+Betty obeyed her mistress's commands; but Joseph, as soon as he had
+tasted it, said, he feared it would increase his fever, and that he
+longed very much for tea; to which the good-natured Betty answered, he
+should have tea, if there was any in the land; she accordingly went and
+bought him some herself, and attended him with it; where we will leave
+her and Joseph together for some time, to entertain the reader with
+other matters.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+_Being very full of adventures which succeeded each other at the inn._
+
+
+It was now the dusk of the evening, when a grave person rode into the
+inn, and, committing his horse to the hostler, went directly into the
+kitchen, and, having called for a pipe of tobacco, took his place by the
+fireside, where several other persons were likewise assembled.
+
+The discourse ran altogether on the robbery which was committed the
+night before, and on the poor wretch who lay above in the dreadful
+condition in which we have already seen him. Mrs Tow-wouse said, "She
+wondered what the devil Tom Whipwell meant by bringing such guests to
+her house, when there were so many alehouses on the road proper for
+their reception. But she assured him, if he died, the parish should be
+at the expense of the funeral." She added, "Nothing would serve the
+fellow's turn but tea, she would assure him." Betty, who was just
+returned from her charitable office, answered, she believed he was a
+gentleman, for she never saw a finer skin in her life. "Pox on his
+skin!" replied Mrs Tow-wouse, "I suppose that is all we are like to have
+for the reckoning. I desire no such gentlemen should ever call at the
+Dragon" (which it seems was the sign of the inn).
+
+The gentleman lately arrived discovered a great deal of emotion at the
+distress of this poor creature, whom he observed to be fallen not into
+the most compassionate hands. And indeed, if Mrs Tow-wouse had given no
+utterance to the sweetness of her temper, nature had taken such pains in
+her countenance, that Hogarth himself never gave more expression to
+a picture.
+
+Her person was short, thin, and crooked. Her forehead projected in the
+middle, and thence descended in a declivity to the top of her nose,
+which was sharp and red, and would have hung over her lips, had not
+nature turned up the end of it. Her lips were two bits of skin, which,
+whenever she spoke, she drew together in a purse. Her chin was peaked;
+and at the upper end of that skin which composed her cheeks, stood two
+bones, that almost hid a pair of small red eyes. Add to this a voice
+most wonderfully adapted to the sentiments it was to convey, being both
+loud and hoarse.
+
+It is not easy to say whether the gentleman had conceived a greater
+dislike for his landlady or compassion for her unhappy guest. He
+inquired very earnestly of the surgeon, who was now come into the
+kitchen, whether he had any hopes of his recovery? He begged him to use
+all possible means towards it, telling him, "it was I the duty of men of
+all professions to apply their skill gratis for the relief of the poor
+and necessitous." The surgeon answered, "He should take proper care; but
+he defied all the surgeons in London to do him any good."--"Pray, sir,"
+said the gentleman, "what are his wounds?"--"Why, do you know anything
+of wounds?" says the surgeon (winking upon Mrs Tow-wouse).--"Sir, I have
+a small smattering in surgery," answered the gentleman.--"A
+smattering--ho, ho, ho!" said the surgeon; "I believe it is a
+smattering indeed."
+
+The company were all attentive, expecting to hear the doctor, who was
+what they call a dry fellow, expose the gentleman.
+
+He began therefore with an air of triumph: "I I suppose, sir, you have
+travelled?"--"No, really, sir," said the gentleman.--"Ho! then you have
+practised in the hospitals perhaps?"--"No, sir."--"Hum! not that
+neither? Whence, sir, then, if I may be so bold to inquire, have you got
+your knowledge in surgery?"--"Sir," answered the gentleman, "I do not
+pretend to much; but the little I know I have from books."--"Books!"
+cries the doctor. "What, I suppose you have read Galen and
+Hippocrates!"--"No, sir," said the gentleman.--"How! you understand
+surgery," answers the doctor, "and not read Galen and Hippocrates?"--
+"Sir," cries the other, "I believe there are many surgeons who have
+never read these authors."--"I believe so too," says the doctor, "more
+shame for them; but, thanks to my education, I have them by heart, and
+very seldom go without them both in my pocket."--"They are pretty large
+books," said the gentleman.--"Aye," said the doctor, "I believe I know
+how large they are better than you." (At which he fell a winking, and
+the whole company burst into a laugh.)
+
+The doctor pursuing his triumph, asked the gentleman, "If he did not
+understand physic as well as surgery." "Rather better," answered the
+gentleman.--"Aye, like enough," cries the doctor, with a wink. "Why, I
+know a little of physic too."--"I wish I knew half so much," said
+Tow-wouse, "I'd never wear an apron again."--"Why, I believe, landlord,"
+cries the doctor, "there are few men, though I say it, within twelve
+miles of the place, that handle a fever better. _Veniente accurrite
+morbo_: that is my method. I suppose, brother, you understand
+_Latin_?"--"A little," says the gentleman.--"Aye, and Greek now, I'll
+warrant you: _Ton dapomibominos poluflosboio Thalasses_. But I have
+almost forgot these things: I could have repeated Homer by heart
+once."--"Ifags! the gentleman has caught a traytor," says Mrs Tow-wouse;
+at which they all fell a laughing.
+
+The gentleman, who had not the least affection for joking, very
+contentedly suffered the doctor to enjoy his victory, which he did with
+no small satisfaction; and, having sufficiently sounded his depth, told
+him, "He was thoroughly convinced of his great learning and abilities;
+and that he would be obliged to him if he would let him know his opinion
+of his patient's case above-stairs."--"Sir," says the doctor, "his case
+is that of a dead man--the contusion on his head has perforated the
+internal membrane of the occiput, and divelicated that radical small
+minute invisible nerve which coheres to the pericranium; and this was
+attended with a fever at first symptomatic, then pneumatic; and he is at
+length grown deliriuus, or delirious, as the vulgar express it."
+
+He was proceeding in this learned manner, when a mighty noise
+interrupted him. Some young fellows in the neighbourhood had taken one
+of the thieves, and were bringing him into the inn. Betty ran upstairs
+with this news to Joseph, who begged they might search for a little
+piece of broken gold, which had a ribband tied to it, and which he could
+swear to amongst all the hoards of the richest men in the universe.
+
+Notwithstanding the fellow's persisting in his innocence, the mob were
+very busy in searching him, and presently, among other things, pulled
+out the piece of gold just mentioned; which Betty no sooner saw than she
+laid violent hands on it, and conveyed it up to Joseph, who received it
+with raptures of joy, and, hugging it in his bosom, declared he could
+now die contented.
+
+Within a few minutes afterwards came in some other fellows, with a
+bundle which they had found in a ditch, and which was indeed the cloaths
+which had been stripped off from Joseph, and the other things they had
+taken from him.
+
+The gentleman no sooner saw the coat than he declared he knew the
+livery; and, if it had been taken from the poor creature above-stairs,
+desired he might see him; for that he was very well acquainted with the
+family to whom that livery belonged.
+
+He was accordingly conducted up by Betty; but what, reader, was the
+surprize on both sides, when he saw Joseph was the person in bed, and
+when Joseph discovered the face of his good friend Mr Abraham Adams!
+
+It would be impertinent to insert a discourse which chiefly turned on
+the relation of matters already well known to the reader; for, as soon
+as the curate had satisfied Joseph concerning the perfect health of his
+Fanny, he was on his side very inquisitive into all the particulars
+which had produced this unfortunate accident.
+
+To return therefore to the kitchen, where a great variety of company
+were now assembled from all the rooms of the house, as well as the
+neighbourhood: so much delight do men take in contemplating the
+countenance of a thief.
+
+Mr Tow-wouse began to rub his hands with pleasure at seeing so large an
+assembly; who would, he hoped, shortly adjourn into several apartments,
+in order to discourse over the robbery, and drink a health to all honest
+men. But Mrs Tow-wouse, whose misfortune it was commonly to see things a
+little perversely, began to rail at those who brought the fellow into
+her house; telling her husband, "They were very likely to thrive who
+kept a house of entertainment for beggars and thieves."
+
+The mob had now finished their search, and could find nothing about the
+captive likely to prove any evidence; for as to the cloaths, though the
+mob were very well satisfied with that proof, yet, as the surgeon
+observed, they could not convict him, because they were not found in his
+custody; to which Barnabas agreed, and added that these were _bona
+waviata_, and belonged to the lord of the manor.
+
+"How," says the surgeon, "do you say these goods belong to the lord of
+the manor?"--"I do," cried Barnabas.--"Then I deny it," says the
+surgeon: "what can the lord of the manor have to do in the case? Will
+any one attempt to persuade me that what a man finds is not his
+own?"--"I have heard," says an old fellow in the corner, "justice
+Wise-one say, that, if every man had his right, whatever is found
+belongs to the king of London."--"That may be true," says Barnabas, "in
+some sense; for the law makes a difference between things stolen and
+things found; for a thing may be stolen that never is found, and a thing
+may be found that never was stolen: Now, goods that are both stolen and
+found are _waviata_; and they belong to the lord of the manor."--"So the
+lord of the manor is the receiver of stolen goods," says the doctor; at
+which there was an universal laugh, being first begun by himself.
+
+While the prisoner, by persisting in his innocence, had almost (as there
+was no evidence against him) brought over Barnabas, the surgeon,
+Tow-wouse, and several others to his side, Betty informed them that they
+had overlooked a little piece of gold, which she had carried up to the
+man in bed, and which he offered to swear to amongst a million, aye,
+amongst ten thousand. This immediately turned the scale against the
+prisoner, and every one now concluded him guilty. It was resolved,
+therefore, to keep him secured that night, and early in the morning to
+carry him before a justice.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+_Showing how Mrs Tow-wouse was a little mollified; and how officious Mr
+Barnabas and the surgeon were to prosecute the thief: with a
+dissertation accounting for their zeal, and that of many other persons
+not mentioned in this history._
+
+
+Betty told her mistress she believed the man in bed was a greater man
+than they took him for; for, besides the extreme whiteness of his skin,
+and the softness of his hands, she observed a very great familiarity
+between the gentleman and him; and added, she was certain they were
+intimate acquaintance, if not relations.
+
+This somewhat abated the severity of Mrs Tow-wouse's countenance. She
+said, "God forbid she should not discharge the duty of a Christian,
+since the poor gentleman was brought to her house. She had a natural
+antipathy to vagabonds; but could pity the misfortunes of a Christian
+as soon as another." Tow-wouse said, "If the traveller be a gentleman,
+though he hath no money about him now, we shall most likely be paid
+hereafter; so you may begin to score whenever you will." Mrs Tow-wouse
+answered, "Hold your simple tongue, and don't instruct me in my
+business. I am sure I am sorry for the gentleman's misfortune with all
+my heart; and I hope the villain who hath used him so barbarously will
+be hanged. Betty, go see what he wants. God forbid he should want
+anything in my house."
+
+Barnabas and the surgeon went up to Joseph to satisfy themselves
+concerning the piece of gold; Joseph was with difficulty prevailed upon
+to show it them, but would by no entreaties be brought to deliver it out
+of his own possession. He however attested this to be the same which had
+been taken from him, and Betty was ready to swear to the finding it on
+the thief.
+
+The only difficulty that remained was, how to produce this gold before
+the justice; for as to carrying Joseph himself, it seemed impossible;
+nor was there any great likelihood of obtaining it from him, for he had
+fastened it with a ribband to his arm, and solemnly vowed that nothing
+but irresistible force should ever separate them; in which resolution,
+Mr Adams, clenching a fist rather less than the knuckle of an ox,
+declared he would support him.
+
+A dispute arose on this occasion concerning evidence not very necessary
+to be related here; after which the surgeon dressed Mr Joseph's head,
+still persisting in the imminent danger in which his patient lay, but
+concluding, with a very important look, "That he began to have some
+hopes; that he should send him a sanative soporiferous draught, and
+would see him in the morning." After which Barnabas and he departed, and
+left Mr Joseph and Mr Adams together.
+
+Adams informed Joseph of the occasion of this journey which he was
+making to London, namely, to publish three volumes of sermons; being
+encouraged, as he said, by an advertisement lately set forth by the
+society of booksellers, who proposed to purchase any copies offered to
+them, at a price to be settled by two persons; but though he imagined he
+should get a considerable sum of money on this occasion, which his
+family were in urgent need of, he protested he would not leave Joseph in
+his present condition: finally, he told him, "He had nine shillings and
+threepence halfpenny in his pocket, which he was welcome to use as
+he pleased."
+
+This goodness of parson Adams brought tears into Joseph's eyes; he
+declared, "He had now a second reason to desire life, that he might show
+his gratitude to such a friend." Adams bade him "be cheerful; for that
+he plainly saw the surgeon, besides his ignorance, desired to make a
+merit of curing him, though the wounds in his head, he perceived, were
+by no means dangerous; that he was convinced he had no fever, and
+doubted not but he would be able to travel in a day or two."
+
+These words infused a spirit into Joseph; he said, "He found himself
+very sore from the bruises, but had no reason to think any of his bones
+injured, or that he had received any harm in his inside, unless that he
+felt something very odd in his stomach; but he knew not whether that
+might not arise from not having eaten one morsel for above twenty-four
+hours." Being then asked if he had any inclination to eat, he answered
+in the affirmative. Then parson Adams desired him to "name what he had
+the greatest fancy for; whether a poached egg, or chicken-broth." He
+answered, "He could eat both very well; but that he seemed to have the
+greatest appetite for a piece of boiled beef and cabbage."
+
+Adams was pleased with so perfect a confirmation that he had not the
+least fever, but advised him to a lighter diet for that evening. He
+accordingly ate either a rabbit or a fowl, I never could with any
+tolerable certainty discover which; after this he was, by Mrs
+Tow-wouse's order, conveyed into a better bed and equipped with one of
+her husband's shirts.
+
+In the morning early, Barnabas and the surgeon came to the inn, in order
+to see the thief conveyed before the justice. They had consumed the
+whole night in debating what measures they should take to produce the
+piece of gold in evidence against him; for they were both extremely
+zealous in the business, though neither of them were in the least
+interested in the prosecution; neither of them had ever received any
+private injury from the fellow, nor had either of them ever been
+suspected of loving the publick well enough to give them a sermon or a
+dose of physic for nothing.
+
+To help our reader, therefore, as much as possible to account for this
+zeal, we must inform him that, as this parish was so unfortunate as to
+have no lawyer in it, there had been a constant contention between the
+two doctors, spiritual and physical, concerning their abilities in a
+science, in which, as neither of them professed it, they had equal
+pretensions to dispute each other's opinions. These disputes were
+carried on with great contempt on both sides, and had almost divided the
+parish; Mr Tow-wouse and one half of the neighbours inclining to the
+surgeon, and Mrs Tow-wouse with the other half to the parson. The
+surgeon drew his knowledge from those inestimable fountains, called The
+Attorney's Pocket Companion, and Mr Jacob's Law-Tables; Barnabas trusted
+entirely to Wood's Institutes. It happened on this occasion, as was
+pretty frequently the case, that these two learned men differed about
+the sufficiency of evidence; the doctor being of opinion that the maid's
+oath would convict the prisoner without producing the gold; the parson,
+_é contra, totis viribus._ To display their parts, therefore, before
+the justice and the parish, was the sole motive which we can discover to
+this zeal which both of them pretended to have for public justice.
+
+O Vanity! how little is thy force acknowledged, or thy operations
+discerned! How wantonly dost thou deceive mankind under different
+disguises! Sometimes thou dost wear the face of pity, sometimes of
+generosity: nay, thou hast the assurance even to put on those glorious
+ornaments which belong only to heroic virtue. Thou odious, deformed
+monster! whom priests have railed at, philosophers despised, and poets
+ridiculed; is there a wretch so abandoned as to own thee for an
+acquaintance in public?--yet, how few will refuse to enjoy thee in
+private? nay, thou art the pursuit of most men through their lives. The
+greatest villainies are daily practised to please thee; nor is the
+meanest thief below, or the greatest hero above, thy notice. Thy
+embraces are often the sole aim and sole reward of the private robbery
+and the plundered province. It is to pamper up thee, thou harlot, that
+we attempt to withdraw from others what we do not want, or to withhold
+from them what they do. All our passions are thy slaves. Avarice itself
+is often no more than thy handmaid, and even Lust thy pimp. The bully
+Fear, like a coward, flies before thee, and Joy and Grief hide their
+heads in thy presence.
+
+I know thou wilt think that whilst I abuse thee I court thee, and that
+thy love hath inspired me to write this sarcastical panegyric on thee;
+but thou art deceived: I value thee not of a farthing; nor will it give
+me any pain if thou shouldst prevail on the reader to censure this
+digression as arrant nonsense; for know, to thy confusion, that I have
+introduced thee for no other purpose than to lengthen out a short
+chapter, and so I return to my history.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+_The escape of the thief. Mr Adams's disappointment. The arrival of
+two very extraordinary personages, and the introduction of parson Adams
+to parson Barnabas._
+
+
+Barnabas and the surgeon, being returned, as we have said, to the inn,
+in order to convey the thief before the justice, were greatly concerned
+to find a small accident had happened, which somewhat disconcerted them;
+and this was no other than the thief's escape, who had modestly
+withdrawn himself by night, declining all ostentation, and not chusing,
+in imitation of some great men, to distinguish himself at the expense of
+being pointed at.
+
+When the company had retired the evening before, the thief was detained
+in a room where the constable, and one of the young fellows who took
+him, were planted as his guard. About the second watch a general
+complaint of drought was made, both by the prisoner and his keepers.
+Among whom it was at last agreed that the constable should remain on
+duty, and the young fellow call up the tapster; in which disposition the
+latter apprehended not the least danger, as the constable was well
+armed, and could besides easily summon him back to his assistance, if
+the prisoner made the least attempt to gain his liberty.
+
+The young fellow had not long left the room before it came into the
+constable's head that the prisoner might leap on him by surprize, and,
+thereby preventing him of the use of his weapons, especially the long
+staff in which he chiefly confided, might reduce the success of a
+struggle to a equal chance. He wisely, therefore, to prevent this
+inconvenience, slipt out of the room himself, and locked the door,
+waiting without with his staff in his hand, ready lifted to fell the
+unhappy prisoner, if by ill fortune he should attempt to break out.
+
+But human life, as hath been discovered by some great man or other (for
+I would by no means be understood to affect the honour of making any
+such discovery), very much resembles a game at chess; for as in the
+latter, while a gamester is too attentive to secure himself very
+strongly on one side the board, he is apt to leave an unguarded opening
+on the other; so doth it often happen in life, and so did it happen on
+this occasion; for whilst the cautious constable with such wonderful
+sagacity had possessed himself of the door, he most unhappily forgot
+the window.
+
+The thief, who played on the other side, no sooner perceived this
+opening than he began to move that way; and, finding the passage easy,
+he took with him the young fellow's hat, and without any ceremony
+stepped into the street and made the best of his way.
+
+The young fellow, returning with a double mug of strong beer, was a
+little surprized to find the constable at the door; but much more so
+when, the door being opened, he perceived the prisoner had made his
+escape, and which way. He threw down the beer, and, without uttering
+anything to the constable except a hearty curse or two, he nimbly leapt
+out of the window, and went again in pursuit of his prey, being very
+unwilling to lose the reward which he had assured himself of.
+
+The constable hath not been discharged of suspicion on this account; it
+hath been said that, not being concerned in the taking the thief, he
+could not have been entitled to any part of the reward if he had been
+convicted; that the thief had several guineas in his pocket; that it was
+very unlikely he should have been guilty of such an oversight; that his
+pretence for leaving the room was absurd; that it was his constant
+maxim, that a wise man never refused money on any conditions; that at
+every election he always had sold his vote to both parties, &c.
+
+But, notwithstanding these and many other such allegations, I am
+sufficiently convinced of his innocence; having been positively assured
+of it by those who received their informations from his own mouth;
+which, in the opinion of some moderns, is the best and indeed
+only evidence.
+
+All the family were now up, and with many others assembled in the
+kitchen, where Mr Tow-wouse was in some tribulation; the surgeon having
+declared that by law he was liable to be indicted for the thief's
+escape, as it was out of his house; he was a little comforted, however,
+by Mr Barnabas's opinion, that as the escape was by night the indictment
+would not lie.
+
+Mrs Tow-wouse delivered herself in the following words: "Sure never was
+such a fool as my husband; would any other person living have left a man
+in the custody of such a drunken drowsy blockhead as Tom Suckbribe?"
+(which was the constable's name); "and if he could be indicted without
+any harm to his wife and children, I should be glad of it." (Then the
+bell rung in Joseph's room.) "Why Betty, John, Chamberlain, where the
+devil are you all? Have you no ears, or no conscience, not to tend the
+sick better? See what the gentleman wants. Why don't you go yourself, Mr
+Tow-wouse? But any one may die for you; you have no more feeling than a
+deal board. If a man lived a fortnight in your house without spending a
+penny, you would never put him in mind of it. See whether he drinks tea
+or coffee for breakfast." "Yes, my dear," cried Tow-wouse. She then
+asked the doctor and Mr Barnabas what morning's draught they chose, who
+answered, they had a pot of cyder-and at the fire; which we will leave
+them merry over, and return to Joseph.
+
+He had rose pretty early this morning; but, though his wounds were far
+from threatening any danger, he was so sore with the bruises, that it
+was impossible for him to think of undertaking a journey yet; Mr Adams,
+therefore, whose stock was visibly decreased with the expenses of supper
+and breakfast, and which could not survive that day's scoring, began to
+consider how it was possible to recruit it. At last he cried, "He had
+luckily hit on a sure method, and, though it would oblige him to return
+himself home together with Joseph, it mattered not much." He then sent
+for Tow-wouse, and, taking him into another room, told him "he wanted to
+borrow three guineas, for which he would put ample security into his
+hands." Tow-wouse, who expected a watch, or ring, or something of double
+the value, answered, "He believed he could furnish him." Upon which
+Adams, pointing to his saddle-bag, told him, with a face and voice full
+of solemnity, "that there were in that bag no less than nine volumes of
+manuscript sermons, as well worth a hundred pounds as a shilling was
+worth twelve pence, and that he would deposit one of the volumes in his
+hands by way of pledge; not doubting but that he would have the honesty
+to return it on his repayment of the money; for otherwise he must be a
+very great loser, seeing that every volume would at least bring him ten
+pounds, as he had been informed by a neighbouring clergyman in the
+country; for," said he, "as to my own part, having never yet dealt in
+printing, I do not pretend to ascertain the exact value of such things."
+
+Tow-wouse, who was a little surprized at the pawn, said (and not without
+some truth), "That he was no judge of the price of such kind of goods;
+and as for money, he really was very short." Adams answered, "Certainly
+he would not scruple to lend him three guineas on what was undoubtedly
+worth at least ten." The landlord replied, "He did not believe he had
+so much money in the house, and besides, he was to make up a sum. He was
+very confident the books were of much higher value, and heartily sorry
+it did not suit him." He then cried out, "Coming sir!" though nobody
+called; and ran downstairs without any fear of breaking his neck.
+
+Poor Adams was extremely dejected at this disappointment, nor knew he
+what further stratagem to try. He immediately applied to his pipe, his
+constant friend and comfort in his afflictions; and, leaning over the
+rails, he devoted himself to meditation, assisted by the inspiring fumes
+of tobacco.
+
+He had on a nightcap drawn over his wig, and a short greatcoat, which
+half covered his cassock--a dress which, added to something comical
+enough in his countenance, composed a figure likely to attract the eyes
+of those who were not over given to observation.
+
+Whilst he was smoaking his pipe in this posture, a coach and six, with a
+numerous attendance, drove into the inn. There alighted from the coach a
+young fellow and a brace of pointers, after which another young fellow
+leapt from the box, and shook the former by the hand; and both, together
+with the dogs, were instantly conducted by Mr Tow-wouse into an
+apartment; whither as they passed, they entertained themselves with the
+following short facetious dialogue:--
+
+"You are a pretty fellow for a coachman, Jack!" says he from the coach;
+"you had almost overturned us just now."--"Pox take you!" says the
+coachman; "if I had only broke your neck, it would have been saving
+somebody else the trouble; but I should have been sorry for the
+pointers."--"Why, you son of a b--," answered the other, "if nobody
+could shoot better than you, the pointers would be of no use."--"D--n
+me," says the coachman, "I will shoot with you five guineas a
+shot."--"You be hanged," says the other; "for five guineas you shall
+shoot at my a--."--"Done," says the coachman; "I'll pepper you better
+than ever you was peppered by Jenny Bouncer."--"Pepper your
+grandmother," says the other: "Here's Tow-wouse will let you shoot at
+him for a shilling a time."--"I know his honour better," cries
+Tow-wouse; "I never saw a surer shot at a partridge. Every man misses
+now and then; but if I could shoot half as well as his honour, I would
+desire no better livelihood than I could get by my gun."--"Pox on you,"
+said the coachman, "you demolish more game now than your head's worth.
+There's a bitch, Tow-wouse: by G-- she never blinked[A] a bird in her
+life."--"I have a puppy, not a year old, shall hunt with her for a
+hundred," cries the other gentleman.--"Done," says the coachman: "but
+you will be pox'd before you make the bett."--"If you have a mind for a
+bett," cries the coachman, "I will match my spotted dog with your white
+bitch for a hundred, play or pay."--"Done," says the other: "and I'll
+run Baldface against Slouch with you for another."--"No," cries he from
+the box; "but I'll venture Miss Jenny against Baldface, or Hannibal
+either."--"Go to the devil," cries he from the coach: "I will make every
+bett your own way, to be sure! I will match Hannibal with Slouch for a
+thousand, if you dare; and I say done first."
+
+[Footnote A:
+To blink is a term used to signify the dog's passing by a bird without
+pointing at it.]
+
+They were now arrived; and the reader will be very contented to leave
+them, and repair to the kitchen; where Barnabas, the surgeon, and an
+exciseman were smoaking their pipes over some cyder-and; and where the
+servants, who attended the two noble gentlemen we have just seen alight,
+were now arrived.
+
+"Tom," cries one of the footmen, "there's parson Adams smoaking his
+pipe in the gallery."--"Yes," says Tom; "I pulled off my hat to him, and
+the parson spoke to me."
+
+"Is the gentleman a clergyman, then?" says Barnabas (for his cassock had
+been tied up when he arrived). "Yes, sir," answered the footman; "and
+one there be but few like."--"Aye," said Barnabas; "if I had known it
+sooner, I should have desired his company; I would always shew a proper
+respect for the cloth: but what say you, doctor, shall we adjourn into a
+room, and invite him to take part of a bowl of punch?"
+
+This proposal was immediately agreed to and executed; and parson Adams
+accepting the invitation, much civility passed between the two
+clergymen, who both declared the great honour they had for the cloth.
+They had not been long together before they entered into a discourse on
+small tithes, which continued a full hour, without the doctor or
+exciseman's having one opportunity to offer a word.
+
+It was then proposed to begin a general conversation, and the exciseman
+opened on foreign affairs; but a word unluckily dropping from one of
+them introduced a dissertation on the hardships suffered by the inferior
+clergy; which, after a long duration, concluded with bringing the nine
+volumes of sermons on the carpet.
+
+Barnabas greatly discouraged poor Adams; he said, "The age was so
+wicked, that nobody read sermons: would you think it, Mr Adams?" said
+he, "I once intended to print a volume of sermons myself, and they had
+the approbation of two or three bishops; but what do you think a
+bookseller offered me?"--"Twelve guineas perhaps," cried Adams.--"Not
+twelve pence, I assure you," answered Barnabas: "nay, the dog refused me
+a Concordance in exchange. At last I offered to give him the printing
+them, for the sake of dedicating them to that very gentleman who just
+now drove his own coach into the inn; and, I assure you, he had the
+impudence to refuse my offer; by which means I lost a good living, that
+was afterwards given away in exchange for a pointer, to one who--but I
+will not say anything against the cloth. So you may guess, Mr Adams,
+what you are to expect; for if sermons would have gone down, I
+believe--I will not be vain; but to be concise with you, three bishops
+said they were the best that ever were writ: but indeed there are a
+pretty moderate number printed already, and not all sold yet."--"Pray,
+sir," said Adams, "to what do you think the numbers may amount?"--"Sir,"
+answered Barnabas, "a bookseller told me, he believed five thousand
+volumes at least."--"Five thousand?" quoth the surgeon: "What can they
+be writ upon? I remember when I was a boy, I used to read one
+Tillotson's sermons; and, I am sure, if a man practised half so much as
+is in one of those sermons, he will go to heaven."--"Doctor," cried
+Barnabas, "you have a prophane way of talking, for which I must reprove
+you. A man can never have his duty too frequently inculcated into him.
+And as for Tillotson, to be sure he was a good writer, and said things
+very well; but comparisons are odious; another man may write as well as
+he--I believe there are some of my sermons,"--and then he applied the
+candle to his pipe.--"And I believe there are some of my discourses,"
+cries Adams, "which the bishops would not think totally unworthy of
+being printed; and I have been informed I might procure a very large sum
+(indeed an immense one) on them."--"I doubt that," answered Barnabas:
+"however, if you desire to make some money of them, perhaps you may sell
+them by advertising the manuscript sermons of a clergyman lately
+deceased, all warranted originals, and never printed. And now I think of
+it, I should be obliged to you, if there be ever a funeral one among
+them, to lend it me; for I am this very day to preach a funeral sermon,
+for which I have not penned a line, though I am to have a double
+price."--Adams answered, "He had but one, which he feared would not
+serve his purpose, being sacred to the memory of a magistrate, who had
+exerted himself very singularly in the preservation of the morality of
+his neighbours, insomuch that he had neither alehouse nor lewd woman in
+the parish where he lived."--"No," replied Barnabas, "that will not do
+quite so well; for the deceased, upon whose virtues I am to harangue,
+was a little too much addicted to liquor, and publickly kept a
+mistress.--I believe I must take a common sermon, and trust to my memory
+to introduce something handsome on him."--"To your invention rather,"
+said the doctor: "your memory will be apter to put you out; for no man
+living remembers anything good of him."
+
+With such kind of spiritual discourse, they emptied the bowl of punch,
+paid their reckoning, and separated: Adams and the doctor went up to
+Joseph, parson Barnabas departed to celebrate the aforesaid deceased,
+and the exciseman descended into the cellar to gauge the vessels.
+
+Joseph was now ready to sit down to a loin of mutton, and waited for Mr
+Adams, when he and the doctor came in. The doctor, having felt his pulse
+and examined his wounds, declared him much better, which he imputed to
+that sanative soporiferous draught, a medicine "whose virtues," he said,
+"were never to be sufficiently extolled." And great indeed they must be,
+if Joseph was so much indebted to them as the doctor imagined; since
+nothing more than those effluvia which escaped the cork could have
+contributed to his recovery; for the medicine had stood untouched in the
+window ever since its arrival.
+
+Joseph passed that day, and the three following, with his friend Adams,
+in which nothing so remarkable happened as the swift progress of his
+recovery. As he had an excellent habit of body, his wounds were now
+almost healed; and his bruises gave him so little uneasiness, that he
+pressed Mr Adams to let him depart; told him he should never be able to
+return sufficient thanks for all his favours, but begged that he might
+no longer delay his journey to London.
+
+Adams, notwithstanding the ignorance, as he conceived it, of Mr
+Tow-wouse, and the envy (for such he thought it) of Mr Barnabas, had
+great expectations from his sermons: seeing therefore Joseph in so good
+a way, he told him he would agree to his setting out the next morning in
+the stage-coach, that he believed he should have sufficient, after the
+reckoning paid, to procure him one day's conveyance in it, and
+afterwards he would be able to get on on foot, or might be favoured with
+a lift in some neighbour's waggon, especially as there was then to be a
+fair in the town whither the coach would carry him, to which numbers
+from his parish resorted--And as to himself, he agreed to proceed to the
+great city.
+
+They were now walking in the inn-yard, when a fat, fair, short person
+rode in, and, alighting from his horse, went directly up to Barnabas,
+who was smoaking his pipe on a bench. The parson and the stranger shook
+one another very lovingly by the hand, and went into a room together.
+
+The evening now coming on, Joseph retired to his chamber, whither the
+good Adams accompanied him, and took this opportunity to expatiate on
+the great mercies God had lately shown him, of which he ought not only
+to have the deepest inward sense, but likewise to express outward
+thankfulness for them. They therefore fell both on their knees, and
+spent a considerable time in prayer and thanksgiving.
+
+They had just finished when Betty came in and told Mr Adams Mr Barnabas
+desired to speak to him on some business of consequence below-stairs.
+Joseph desired, if it was likely to detain him long, he would let him
+know it, that he might go to bed, which Adams promised, and in that case
+they wished one another good-night.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+_A pleasant discourse between the two parsons and the bookseller, 'which
+was broke off by an unlucky accident happening in the inn, which
+produced a dialogue between Mrs Tow-wouse and her maid of no
+gentle kind._
+
+
+As soon as Adams came into the room, Mr Barnabas introduced him to the
+stranger, who was, he told him, a bookseller, and would be as likely to
+deal with him for his sermons as any man whatever. Adams, saluting the
+stranger, answered Barnabas, that he was very much obliged to him; that
+nothing could be more convenient, for he had no other business to the
+great city, and was heartily desirous of returning with the young man,
+who was just recovered of his misfortune. He then snapt his fingers (as
+was usual with him), and took two or three turns about the room in an
+extasy. And to induce the bookseller to be as expeditious as possible,
+as likewise to offer him a better price for his commodity, he assured
+them their meeting was extremely lucky to himself; for that he had the
+most pressing occasion for money at that time, his own being almost
+spent, and having a friend then in the same inn, who was just recovered
+from some wounds he had received from robbers, and was in a most
+indigent condition. "So that nothing," says he, "could be so opportune
+for the supplying both our necessities as my making an immediate bargain
+with you."
+
+As soon as he had seated himself, the stranger began in these words:
+"Sir, I do not care absolutely to deny engaging in what my friend Mr
+Barnabas recommends; but sermons are mere drugs. The trade is so vastly
+stocked with them, that really, unless they come out with the name of
+Whitefield or Wesley, or some other such great man, as a bishop, or
+those sort of people, I don't care to touch; unless now it was a sermon
+preached on the 30th of January; or we could say in the title-page,
+published at the earnest request of the congregation, or the
+inhabitants; but, truly, for a dry piece of sermons, I had rather be
+excused; especially as my hands are so full at present. However, sir, as
+Mr Barnabas mentioned them to me, I will, if you please, take the
+manuscript with me to town, and send you my opinion of it in a very
+short time."
+
+"Oh!" said Adams, "if you desire it, I will read two or three discourses
+as a specimen." This Barnabas, who loved sermons no better than a grocer
+doth figs, immediately objected to, and advised Adams to let the
+bookseller have his sermons: telling him, "If he gave him a direction,
+he might be certain of a speedy answer;" adding, he need not scruple
+trusting them in his possession. "No," said the bookseller, "if it was a
+play that had been acted twenty nights together, I believe it would
+be safe."
+
+Adams did not at all relish the last expression; he said "he was sorry
+to hear sermons compared to plays." "Not by me, I assure you," cried the
+bookseller, "though I don't know whether the licensing act may not
+shortly bring them to the same footing; but I have formerly known a
+hundred guineas given for a play."--"More shame for those who gave it,"
+cried Barnabas.--"Why so?" said the bookseller, "for they got hundreds
+by it."--"But is there no difference between conveying good or ill
+instructions to mankind?" said Adams: "Would not an honest mind rather
+lose money by the one, than gain it by the other?"--"If you can find any
+such, I will not be their hindrance," answered the bookseller; "but I
+think those persons who get by preaching sermons are the properest to
+lose by printing them: for my part, the copy that sells best will be
+always the best copy in my opinion; I am no enemy to sermons, but
+because they don't sell: for I would as soon print one of Whitefield's
+as any farce whatever."
+
+"Whoever prints such heterodox stuff ought to be hanged," says Barnabas.
+"Sir," said he, turning to Adams, "this fellow's writings (I know not
+whether you have seen them) are levelled at the clergy. He would reduce
+us to the example of the primitive ages, forsooth! and would insinuate
+to the people that a clergyman ought to be always preaching and praying.
+He pretends to understand the Scripture literally; and would make
+mankind believe that the poverty and low estate which was recommended to
+the Church in its infancy, and was only temporary doctrine adapted to
+her under persecution, was to be preserved in her flourishing and
+established state. Sir, the principles of Toland, Woolston, and all the
+freethinkers, are not calculated to do half the mischief, as those
+professed by this fellow and his followers."
+
+"Sir," answered Adams, "if Mr Whitefield had carried his doctrine no
+farther than you mention, I should have remained, as I once was, his
+well-wisher. I am, myself, as great an enemy to the luxury and splendour
+of the clergy as he can be. I do not, more than he, by the flourishing
+estate of the Church, understand the palaces, equipages, dress,
+furniture, rich dainties, and vast fortunes, of her ministers. Surely
+those things, which savour so strongly of this world, become not the
+servants of one who professed His kingdom was not of it. But when he
+began to call nonsense and enthusiasm to his aid, and set up the
+detestable doctrine of faith against good works, I was his friend no
+longer; for surely that doctrine was coined in hell; and one would think
+none but the devil himself could have the confidence to preach it. For
+can anything be more derogatory to the honour of God than for men to
+imagine that the all-wise Being will hereafter say to the good and
+virtuous, 'Notwithstanding the purity of thy life, notwithstanding that
+constant rule of virtue and goodness in which you walked upon earth,
+still, as thou didst not believe everything in the true orthodox manner,
+thy want of faith shall condemn thee?' Or, on the other side, can any
+doctrine have a more pernicious influence on society, than a persuasion
+that it will be a good plea for the villain at the last day--'Lord, it
+is true I never obeyed one of thy commandments, yet punish me not, for I
+believe them all?'"--"I suppose, sir," said the bookseller, "your
+sermons are of a different kind."--"Aye, sir," said Adams; "the
+contrary, I thank Heaven, is inculcated in almost every page, or I
+should belye my own opinion, which hath always been, that a virtuous and
+good Turk, or heathen, are more acceptable in the sight of their Creator
+than a vicious and wicked Christian, though his faith was as perfectly
+orthodox as St Paul's himself."--"I wish you success," says the
+bookseller, "but must beg to be excused, as my hands are so very full at
+present; and, indeed, I am afraid you will find a backwardness in the
+trade to engage in a book which the clergy would be certain to cry
+down."--"God forbid," says Adams, "any books should be propagated which
+the clergy would cry down; but if you mean by the clergy, some few
+designing factious men, who have it at heart to establish some favourite
+schemes at the price of the liberty of mankind, and the very essence of
+religion, it is not in the power of such persons to decry any book they
+please; witness that excellent book called, 'A Plain Account of the
+Nature and End of the Sacrament;' a book written (if I may venture on
+the expression) with the pen of an angel, and calculated to restore the
+true use of Christianity, and of that sacred institution; for what could
+tend more to the noble purposes of religion than frequent chearful
+meetings among the members of a society, in which they should, in the
+presence of one another, and in the service of the Supreme Being, make
+promises of being good, friendly, and benevolent to each other? Now,
+this excellent book was attacked by a party, but unsuccessfully." At
+these words Barnabas fell a-ringing with all the violence imaginable;
+upon which a servant attending, he bid him "bring a bill immediately;
+for that he was in company, for aught he knew, with the devil himself;
+and he expected to hear the Alcoran, the Leviathan, or Woolston
+commended, if he staid a few minutes longer." Adams desired, "as he was
+so much moved at his mentioning a book which he did without apprehending
+any possibility of offence, that he would be so kind to propose any
+objections he had to it, which he would endeavour to answer."--"I
+propose objections!" said Barnabas, "I never read a syllable in any such
+wicked book; I never saw it in my life, I assure you."--Adams was going
+to answer, when a most hideous uproar began in the inn. Mrs Tow-wouse,
+Mr Tow-wouse, and Betty, all lifting up their voices together; but Mrs
+Tow-wouse's voice, like a bass viol in a concert, was clearly and
+distinctly distinguished among the rest, and was heard to articulate the
+following sounds:--"O you damn'd villain! is this the return to all the
+care I have taken of your family? This the reward of my virtue? Is this
+the manner in which you behave to one who brought you a fortune, and
+preferred you to so many matches, all your betters? To abuse my bed, my
+own bed, with my own servant! but I'll maul the slut, I'll tear her
+nasty eyes out! Was ever such a pitiful dog, to take up with such a mean
+trollop? If she had been a gentlewoman, like myself, it had been some
+excuse; but a beggarly, saucy, dirty servant-maid. Get you out of my
+house, you whore." To which she added another name, which we do not care
+to stain our paper with. It was a monosyllable beginning with a b--, and
+indeed was the same as if she had pronounced the words, she-dog. Which
+term we shall, to avoid offence, use on this occasion, though indeed
+both the mistress and maid uttered the above-mentioned b--, a word
+extremely disgustful to females of the lower sort. Betty had borne all
+hitherto with patience, and had uttered only lamentations; but the last
+appellation stung her to the quick. "I am a woman as well as yourself,"
+she roared out, "and no she-dog; and if I have been a little naughty, I
+am not the first; if I have been no better than I should be," cries she,
+sobbing, "that's no reason you should call me out of my name; my
+be-betters are wo-rse than me."--"Huzzy, huzzy," says Mrs Tow-wouse,
+"have you the impudence to answer me? Did I not catch you, you
+saucy"--and then again repeated the terrible word so odious to female
+ears. "I can't bear that name," answered Betty: "if I have been wicked,
+I am to answer for it myself in the other world; but I have done nothing
+that's unnatural; and I will go out of your house this moment, for I
+will never be called she-dog by any mistress in England." Mrs Tow-wouse
+then armed herself with the spit, but was prevented from executing any
+dreadful purpose by Mr Adams, who confined her arms with the strength
+of a wrist which Hercules would not have been ashamed of. Mr Tow-wouse,
+being caught, as our lawyers express it, with the manner, and having no
+defence to make, very prudently withdrew himself; and Betty committed
+herself to the protection of the hostler, who, though she could not
+conceive him pleased with what had happened, was, in her opinion, rather
+a gentler beast than her mistress.
+
+Mrs Tow-wouse, at the intercession of Mr Adams, and finding the enemy
+vanished, began to compose herself, and at length recovered the usual
+serenity of her temper, in which we will leave her, to open to the
+reader the steps which led to a catastrophe, common enough, and comical
+enough too perhaps, in modern history, yet often fatal to the repose and
+well-being of families, and the subject of many tragedies, both in life
+and on the stage.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+_The history of Betty the chambermaid, and an account of what occasioned
+the violent scene in the preceding chapter._
+
+
+Betty, who was the occasion of all this hurry, had some good qualities.
+She had good-nature, generosity, and compassion, but unfortunately, her
+constitution was composed of those warm ingredients which, though the
+purity of courts or nunneries might have happily controuled them, were
+by no means able to endure the ticklish situation of a chambermaid at an
+inn; who is daily liable to the solicitations of lovers of all
+complexions; to the dangerous addresses of fine gentlemen of the army,
+who sometimes are obliged to reside with them a whole year together;
+and, above all, are exposed to the caresses of footmen, stage-coachmen,
+and drawers; all of whom employ the whole artillery of kissing,
+flattering, bribing, and every other weapon which is to be found in the
+whole armoury of love, against them.
+
+Betty, who was but one-and-twenty, had now lived three years in this
+dangerous situation, during which she had escaped pretty well. An ensign
+of foot was the first person who made an impression on her heart; he did
+indeed raise a flame in her which required the care of a surgeon
+to cool.
+
+While she burnt for him, several others burnt for her. Officers of the
+army, young gentlemen travelling the western circuit, inoffensive
+squires, and some of graver character, were set a-fire by her charms!
+
+At length, having perfectly recovered the effects of her first unhappy
+passion, she seemed to have vowed a state of perpetual chastity. She was
+long deaf to all the sufferings of her lovers, till one day, at a
+neighbouring fair, the rhetoric of John the hostler, with a new straw
+hat and a pint of wine, made a second conquest over her.
+
+She did not, however, feel any of those flames on this occasion which
+had been the consequence of her former amour; nor, indeed, those other
+ill effects which prudent young women very justly apprehend from too
+absolute an indulgence to the pressing endearments of their lovers. This
+latter, perhaps, was a little owing to her not being entirely constant
+to John, with whom she permitted Tom Whipwell the stage-coachman, and
+now and then a handsome young traveller, to share her favours.
+
+Mr Tow-wouse had for some time cast the languishing eyes of affection on
+this young maiden. He had laid hold on every opportunity of saying
+tender things to her, squeezing her by the hand, and sometimes kissing
+her lips; for, as the violence of his passion had considerably abated to
+Mrs Tow-wouse, so, like water, which is stopt from its usual current in
+one place, it naturally sought a vent in another. Mrs Tow-wouse is
+thought to have perceived this abatement, and, probably, it added very
+little to the natural sweetness of her temper; for though she was as
+true to her husband as the dial to the sun, she was rather more desirous
+of being shone on, as being more capable of feeling his warmth.
+
+Ever since Joseph's arrival, Betty had conceived an extraordinary liking
+to him, which discovered itself more and more as he grew better and
+better; till that fatal evening, when, as she was warming his bed, her
+passion grew to such a height, and so perfectly mastered both her
+modesty and her reason, that, after many fruitless hints and sly
+insinuations, she at last threw down the warming-pan, and, embracing him
+with great eagerness, swore he was the handsomest creature she had
+ever seen.
+
+Joseph, in great confusion, leapt from her, and told her he was sorry to
+see a young woman cast off all regard to modesty; but she had gone too
+far to recede, and grew so very indecent, that Joseph was obliged,
+contrary to his inclination, to use some violence to her; and, taking
+her in his arms, he shut her out of the room, and locked the door.
+
+How ought man to rejoice that his chastity is always in his own power;
+that, if he hath sufficient strength of mind, he hath always a competent
+strength of body to defend himself, and cannot, like a poor weak woman,
+be ravished against his will!
+
+Betty was in the most violent agitation at this disappointment. Rage and
+lust pulled her heart, as with two strings, two different ways; one
+moment she thought of stabbing Joseph; the next, of taking him in her
+arms, and devouring him with kisses; but the latter passion was far more
+prevalent. Then she thought of revenging his refusal on herself; but,
+whilst she was engaged in this meditation, happily death presented
+himself to her in so many shapes, of drowning, hanging, poisoning, &c.,
+that her distracted mind could resolve on none. In this perturbation of
+spirit, it accidentally occurred to her memory that her master's bed was
+not made; she therefore went directly to his room, where he happened at
+that time to be engaged at his bureau. As soon as she saw him, she
+attempted to retire; but he called her back, and, taking her by the
+hand, squeezed her so tenderly, at the same time whispering so many soft
+things into her ears, and then pressed her so closely with his kisses,
+that the vanquished fair one, whose passions were already raised, and
+which were not so whimsically capricious that one man only could lay
+them, though, perhaps, she would have rather preferred that one--the
+vanquished fair one quietly submitted, I say, to her master's will, who
+had just attained the accomplishment of his bliss when Mrs Tow-wouse
+unexpectedly entered the room, and caused all that confusion which we
+have before seen, and which it is not necessary, at present, to take any
+farther notice of; since, without the assistance of a single hint from
+us, every reader of any speculation or experience, though not married
+himself, may easily conjecture that it concluded with the discharge of
+Betty, the submission of Mr Tow-wouse, with some things to be performed
+on his side by way of gratitude for his wife's goodness in being
+reconciled to him, with many hearty promises never to offend any more in
+the like manner; and, lastly, his quietly and contentedly bearing to be
+reminded of his transgressions, as a kind of penance, once or twice a
+day during the residue of his life.
+
+
+
+
+BOOK II.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+_Of Divisions in Authors_.
+
+
+There are certain mysteries or secrets in all trades, from the highest
+to the lowest, from that of prime-ministering to this of authoring,
+which are seldom discovered unless to members of the same calling. Among
+those used by us gentlemen of the latter occupation, I take this of
+dividing our works into books and chapters to be none of the least
+considerable. Now, for want of being truly acquainted with this secret,
+common readers imagine, that by this art of dividing we mean only to
+swell our works to a much larger bulk than they would otherwise be
+extended to. These several places therefore in our paper, which are
+filled with our books and chapters, are understood as so much buckram,
+stays, and stay-tape in a taylor's bill, serving only to make up the sum
+total, commonly found at the bottom of our first page and of his last.
+
+But in reality the case is otherwise, and in this as well as all other
+instances we consult the advantage of our reader, not our own; and
+indeed, many notable uses arise to him from this method; for, first,
+those little spaces between our chapters may be looked upon as an inn or
+resting-place where he may stop and take a glass or any other
+refreshment as it pleases him. Nay, our fine readers will, perhaps, be
+scarce able to travel farther than through one of them in a day. As to
+those vacant pages which are placed between our books, they are to be
+regarded as those stages where in long journies the traveller stays some
+time to repose himself, and consider of what he hath seen in the parts
+he hath already passed through; a consideration which I take the liberty
+to recommend a little to the reader; for, however swift his capacity may
+be, I would not advise him to travel through these pages too fast; for
+if he doth, he may probably miss the seeing some curious productions of
+nature, which will be observed by the slower and more accurate reader. A
+volume without any such places of rest resembles the opening of wilds or
+seas, which tires the eye and fatigues the spirit when entered upon.
+
+Secondly, what are the contents prefixed to every chapter but so many
+inscriptions over the gates of inns (to continue the same metaphor),
+informing the reader what entertainment he is to expect, which if he
+likes not, he may travel on to the next; for, in biography, as we are
+not tied down to an exact concatenation equally with other historians,
+so a chapter or two (for instance, this I am now writing) may be often
+passed over without any injury to the whole. And in these inscriptions I
+have been as faithful as possible, not imitating the celebrated
+Montaigne, who promises you one thing and gives you another; nor some
+title-page authors, who promise a great deal and produce nothing at all.
+
+There are, besides these more obvious benefits, several others which our
+readers enjoy from this art of dividing; though perhaps most of them too
+mysterious to be presently understood by any who are not initiated into
+the science of authoring. To mention, therefore, but one which is most
+obvious, it prevents spoiling the beauty of a book by turning down its
+leaves, a method otherwise necessary to those readers who (though they
+read with great improvement and advantage) are apt, when they return to
+their study after half-an-hour's absence, to forget where they left off.
+
+These divisions have the sanction of great antiquity. Homer not only
+divided his great work into twenty-four books (in compliment perhaps to
+the twenty-four letters to which he had very particular obligations),
+but, according to the opinion of some very sagacious critics, hawked
+them all separately, delivering only one book at a time (probably by
+subscription). He was the first inventor of the art which hath so long
+lain dormant, of publishing by numbers; an art now brought to such
+perfection, that even dictionaries are divided and exhibited piecemeal
+to the public; nay, one bookseller hath (to encourage learning and ease
+the public) contrived to give them a dictionary in this divided manner
+for only fifteen shillings more than it would have cost entire.
+
+Virgil hath given us his poem in twelve books, an argument of his
+modesty; for by that, doubtless, he would insinuate that he pretends to
+no more than half the merit of the Greek; for the same reason, our
+Milton went originally no farther than ten; till, being puffed up by the
+praise of his friends, he put himself on the same footing with the
+Roman poet.
+
+I shall not, however, enter so deep into this matter as some very
+learned criticks have done; who have with infinite labour and acute
+discernment discovered what books are proper for embellishment, and what
+require simplicity only, particularly with regard to similes, which I
+think are now generally agreed to become any book but the first.
+
+I will dismiss this chapter with the following observation: that it
+becomes an author generally to divide a book, as it does a butcher to
+joint his meat, for such assistance is of great help to both the reader
+and the carver. And now, having indulged myself a little, I will
+endeavour to indulge the curiosity of my reader, who is no doubt
+impatient to know what he will find in the subsequent chapters of
+this book.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+_A surprizing instance of Mr Adams's short memory, with the unfortunate
+consequences which it brought on Joseph._
+
+
+Mr Adams and Joseph were now ready to depart different ways, when an
+accident determined the former to return with his friend, which
+Tow-wouse, Barnabas, and the bookseller had not been able to do. This
+accident was, that those sermons, which the parson was travelling to
+London to publish, were, O my good reader! left behind; what he had
+mistaken for them in the saddlebags being no other than three shirts, a
+pair of shoes, and some other necessaries, which Mrs Adams, who thought
+her husband would want shirts more than sermons on his journey, had
+carefully provided him.
+
+This discovery was now luckily owing to the presence of Joseph at the
+opening the saddlebags; who, having heard his friend say he carried with
+him nine volumes of sermons, and not being of that sect of philosophers
+who can reduce all the matter of the world into a nutshell, seeing there
+was no room for them in the bags, where the parson had said they were
+deposited, had the curiosity to cry out, "Bless me, sir, where are your
+sermons?" The parson answered, "There, there, child; there they are,
+under my shirts." Now it happened that he had taken forth his last
+shirt, and the vehicle remained visibly empty. "Sure, sir," says
+Joseph, "there is nothing in the bags." Upon which Adams, starting, and
+testifying some surprize, cried, "Hey! fie, fie upon it! they are not
+here sure enough. Ay, they are certainly left behind."
+
+Joseph was greatly concerned at the uneasiness which he apprehended his
+friend must feel from this disappointment; he begged him to pursue his
+journey, and promised he would himself return with the books to him with
+the utmost expedition. "No, thank you, child," answered Adams; "it shall
+not be so. What would it avail me, to tarry in the great city, unless I
+had my discourses with me, which are _ut ita dicam_, the sole cause, the
+_aitia monotate_ of my peregrination? No, child, as this accident hath
+happened, I am resolved to return back to my cure, together with you;
+which indeed my inclination sufficiently leads me to. This
+disappointment may perhaps be intended for my good." He concluded with a
+verse out of Theocritus, which signifies no more than that sometimes it
+rains, and sometimes the sun shines.
+
+Joseph bowed with obedience and thankfulness for the inclination which
+the parson expressed of returning with him; and now the bill was called
+for, which, on examination, amounted within a shilling to the sum Mr
+Adams had in his pocket. Perhaps the reader may wonder how he was able
+to produce a sufficient sum for so many days: that he may not be
+surprized, therefore, it cannot be unnecessary to acquaint him that he
+had borrowed a guinea of a servant belonging to the coach and six, who
+had been formerly one of his parishioners, and whose master, the owner
+of the coach, then lived within three miles of him; for so good was the
+credit of Mr Adams, that even Mr Peter, the Lady Booby's steward, would
+have lent him a guinea with very little security.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr Adams discharged the bill, and they were both setting out, having
+agreed to ride and tie; a method of travelling much used by persons who
+have but one horse between them, and is thus performed. The two
+travellers set out together, one on horseback, the other on foot: now,
+as it generally happens that he on horseback outgoes him on foot, the
+custom is, that, when he arrives at the distance agreed on, he is to
+dismount, tie the horse to some gate, tree, post, or other thing, and
+then proceed on foot; when the other comes up to the horse he unties
+him, mounts, and gallops on, till, having passed by his
+fellow-traveller, he likewise arrives at the place of tying. And this is
+that method of travelling so much in use among our prudent ancestors,
+who knew that horses had mouths as well as legs, and that they could not
+use the latter without being at the expense of suffering the beasts
+themselves to use the former. This was the method in use in those days
+when, instead of a coach and six, a member of parliament's lady used to
+mount a pillion behind her husband; and a grave serjeant at law
+condescended to amble to Westminster on an easy pad, with his clerk
+kicking his heels behind him.
+
+Adams was now gone some minutes, having insisted on Joseph's beginning
+the journey on horseback, and Joseph had his foot in the stirrup, when
+the hostler presented him a bill for the horse's board during his
+residence at the inn. Joseph said Mr Adams had paid all; but this
+matter, being referred to Mr Tow-wouse, was by him decided in favour of
+the hostler, and indeed with truth and justice; for this was a fresh
+instance of that shortness of memory which did not arise from want of
+parts, but that continual hurry in which parson Adams was
+always involved.
+
+Joseph was now reduced to a dilemma which extremely puzzled him. The sum
+due for horse-meat was twelve shillings (for Adams, who had borrowed the
+beast of his clerk, had ordered him to be fed as well as they could
+feed him), and the cash in his pocket amounted to sixpence (for Adams
+had divided the last shilling with him). Now, though there have been
+some ingenious persons who have contrived to pay twelve shillings with
+sixpence, Joseph was not one of them. He had never contracted a debt in
+his life, and was consequently the less ready at an expedient to
+extricate himself. Tow-wouse was willing to give him credit till next
+time, to which Mrs Tow-wouse would probably have consented (for such was
+Joseph's beauty, that it had made some impression even on that piece of
+flint which that good woman wore in her bosom by way of heart). Joseph
+would have found, therefore, very likely the passage free, had he not,
+when he honestly discovered the nakedness of his pockets, pulled out
+that little piece of gold which we have mentioned before. This caused
+Mrs Tow-wouse's eyes to water; she told Joseph she did not conceive a
+man could want money whilst he had gold in his pocket. Joseph answered
+he had such a value for that little piece of gold, that he would not
+part with it for a hundred times the riches which the greatest esquire
+in the county was worth. "A pretty way, indeed," said Mrs Tow-wouse, "to
+run in debt, and then refuse to part with your money, because you have a
+value for it! I never knew any piece of gold of more value than as many
+shillings as it would change for."--"Not to preserve my life from
+starving, nor to redeem it from a robber, would I part with this dear
+piece!" answered Joseph. "What," says Mrs Tow-wouse, "I suppose it was
+given you by some vile trollop, some miss or other; if it had been the
+present of a virtuous woman, you would not have had such a value for it.
+My husband is a fool if he parts with the horse without being paid for
+him."--"No, no, I can't part with the horse, indeed, till I have the
+money," cried Tow-wouse. A resolution highly commended by a lawyer then
+in the yard, who declared Mr Tow-wouse might justify the detainer.
+
+As we cannot therefore at present get Mr Joseph out of the inn, we shall
+leave him in it, and carry our reader on after parson Adams, who, his
+mind being perfectly at ease, fell into a contemplation on a passage in
+Aeschylus, which entertained him for three miles together, without
+suffering him once to reflect on his fellow-traveller.
+
+At length, having spun out his thread, and being now at the summit of a
+hill, he cast his eyes backwards, and wondered that he could not see any
+sign of Joseph. As he left him ready to mount the horse, he could not
+apprehend any mischief had happened, neither could he suspect that he
+missed his way, it being so broad and plain; the only reason which
+presented itself to him was, that he had met with an acquaintance who
+had prevailed with him to delay some time in discourse.
+
+He therefore resolved to proceed slowly forwards, not doubting but that
+he should be shortly overtaken; and soon came to a large water, which,
+filling the whole road, he saw no method of passing unless by wading
+through, which he accordingly did up to his middle; but was no sooner
+got to the other side than he perceived, if he had looked over the
+hedge, he would have found a footpath capable of conducting him without
+wetting his shoes.
+
+His surprize at Joseph's not coming up grew now very troublesome: he
+began to fear he knew not what; and as he determined to move no farther,
+and, if he did not shortly overtake him, to return back, he wished to
+find a house of public entertainment where he might dry his clothes and
+refresh himself with a pint; but, seeing no such (for no other reason
+than because he did not cast his eyes a hundred yards forwards), he sat
+himself down on a stile, and pulled out his Aeschylus.
+
+A fellow passing presently by, Adams asked him if he could direct him
+to an alehouse. The fellow, who had just left it, and perceived the
+house and sign to be within sight, thinking he had jeered him, and being
+of a morose temper, bade him follow his nose and be d---n'd. Adams told
+him he was a saucy jackanapes; upon which the fellow turned about
+angrily; but, perceiving Adams clench his fist, he thought proper to go
+on without taking any farther notice.
+
+A horseman, following immediately after, and being asked the same
+question, answered, "Friend, there is one within a stone's throw; I
+believe you may see it before you." Adams, lifting up his eyes, cried,
+"I protest, and so there is;" and, thanking his informer, proceeded
+directly to it.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+_The opinion of two lawyers concerning the same gentleman, with Mr
+Adams's inquiry into the religion of his host._
+
+
+He had just entered the house, and called for his pint, and seated
+himself, when two horsemen came to the door, and, fastening their horses
+to the rails, alighted. They said there was a violent shower of rain
+coming on, which they intended to weather there, and went into a little
+room by themselves, not perceiving Mr Adams.
+
+One of these immediately asked the other, "If he had seen a more comical
+adventure a great while?" Upon which the other said, "He doubted
+whether, by law, the landlord could justify detaining the horse for his
+corn and hay." But the former answered, "Undoubtedly he can; it is an
+adjudged case, and I have known it tried."
+
+Adams, who, though he was, as the reader may suspect, a little inclined
+to forgetfulness, never wanted more than a hint to remind him,
+overhearing their discourse, immediately suggested to himself that this
+was his own horse, and that he had forgot to pay for him, which, upon
+inquiry, he was certified of by the gentlemen; who added, that the horse
+was likely to have more rest than food, unless he was paid for.
+
+The poor parson resolved to return presently to the inn, though he knew
+no more than Joseph how to procure his horse his liberty; he was,
+however, prevailed on to stay under covert, till the shower, which was
+now very violent, was over.
+
+The three travellers then sat down together over a mug of good beer;
+when Adams, who had observed a gentleman's house as he passed along the
+road, inquired to whom it belonged; one of the horsemen had no sooner
+mentioned the owner's name, than the other began to revile him in the
+most opprobrious terms. The English language scarce affords a single
+reproachful word, which he did not vent on this occasion. He charged him
+likewise with many particular facts. He said, "He no more regarded a
+field of wheat when he was hunting, than he did the highway; that he had
+injured several poor farmers by trampling their corn under his horse's
+heels; and if any of them begged him with the utmost submission to
+refrain, his horsewhip was always ready to do them justice." He said,
+"That he was the greatest tyrant to the neighbours in every other
+instance, and would not suffer a farmer to keep a gun, though he might
+justify it by law; and in his own family so cruel a master, that he
+never kept a servant a twelvemonth. In his capacity as a justice,"
+continued he, "he behaves so partially, that he commits or acquits just
+as he is in the humour, without any regard to truth or evidence; the
+devil may carry any one before him for me; I would rather be tried
+before some judges, than be a prosecutor before him: if I had an estate
+in the neighbourhood, I would sell it for half the value rather than
+live near him."
+
+Adams shook his head, and said, "He was sorry such men were suffered to
+proceed with impunity, and that riches could set any man above the law."
+The reviler, a little after, retiring into the yard, the gentleman who
+had first mentioned his name to Adams began to assure him "that his
+companion was a prejudiced person. It is true," says he, "perhaps, that
+he may have sometimes pursued his game over a field of corn, but he hath
+always made the party ample satisfaction: that so far from tyrannising
+over his neighbours, or taking away their guns, he himself knew several
+farmers not qualified, who not only kept guns, but killed game with
+them; that he was the best of masters to his servants, and several of
+them had grown old in his service; that he was the best justice of peace
+in the kingdom, and, to his certain knowledge, had decided many
+difficult points, which were referred to him, with the greatest equity
+and the highest wisdom; and he verily believed, several persons would
+give a year's purchase more for an estate near him, than under the wings
+of any other great man." He had just finished his encomium when his
+companion returned and acquainted him the storm was over. Upon which
+they presently mounted their horses and departed.
+
+Adams, who was in the utmost anxiety at those different characters of
+the same person, asked his host if he knew the gentleman: for he began
+to imagine they had by mistake been speaking of two several gentlemen.
+"No, no, master," answered the host (a shrewd, cunning fellow); "I know
+the gentleman very well of whom they have been speaking, as I do the
+gentlemen who spoke of him. As for riding over other men's corn, to my
+knowledge he hath not been on horseback these two years. I never heard
+he did any injury of that kind; and as to making reparation, he is not
+so free of his money as that comes to neither. Nor did I ever hear of
+his taking away any man's gun; nay, I know several who have guns in
+their houses; but as for killing game with them, no man is stricter; and
+I believe he would ruin any who did. You heard one of the gentlemen say
+he was the worst master in the world, and the other that he is the best;
+but for my own part, I know all his servants, and never heard from any
+of them that he was either one or the other."--"Aye! aye!" says Adams;
+"and how doth he behave as a justice, pray?"--"Faith, friend," answered
+the host, "I question whether he is in the commission; the only cause I
+have heard he hath decided a great while, was one between those very two
+persons who just went out of this house; and I am sure he determined
+that justly, for I heard the whole matter."--"Which did He decide it in
+favour of?" quoth Adams.--"I think I need not answer that question,"
+cried the host, "after the different characters you have heard of him.
+It is not my business to contradict gentlemen while they are drinking in
+my house; but I knew neither of them spoke a syllable of truth."--"God
+forbid!" said Adams, "that men should arrive at such a pitch of
+wickedness to belye the character of their neighbour from a little
+private affection, or, what is infinitely worse, a private spite. I
+rather believe we have mistaken them, and they mean two other persons;
+for there are many houses on the road."--"Why, prithee, friend," cries
+the host, "dost thou pretend never to have told a lye in thy
+life?"--"Never a malicious one, I am certain," answered Adams, "nor with
+a design to injure the reputation of any man living."--"Pugh! malicious;
+no, no," replied the host; "not malicious with a design to hang a man,
+or bring him into trouble; but surely, out of love to oneself, one must
+speak better of a friend than an enemy."--"Out of love to yourself, you
+should confine yourself to truth," says Adams, "for by doing otherwise
+you injure the noblest part of yourself, your immortal soul. I can
+hardly believe any man such an idiot to risque the loss of that by any
+trifling gain, and the greatest gain in this world is but dirt in
+comparison of what shall be revealed hereafter." Upon which the host,
+taking up the cup, with a smile, drank a health to hereafter; adding,
+"He was for something present."--"Why," says Adams very gravely, "do not
+you believe another world?" To which the host answered, "Yes; he was no
+atheist."--"And you believe you have an immortal soul?" cries Adams. He
+answered, "God forbid he should not."--"And heaven and hell?" said the
+parson. The host then bid him "not to profane; for those were things not
+to be mentioned nor thought of but in church." Adams asked him, "Why he
+went to church, if what he learned there had no influence on his conduct
+in life?" "I go to church," answered the host, "to say my prayers and
+behave godly."--"And dost not thou," cried Adams, "believe what thou
+hearest at church?"--"Most part of it, master," returned the host. "And
+dost not thou then tremble," cries Adams, "at the thought of eternal
+punishment?"--"As for that, master," said he, "I never once thought
+about it; but what signifies talking about matters so far off? The mug
+is out, shall I draw another?"
+
+Whilst he was going for that purpose, a stage-coach drove up to the
+door. The coachman coming into the house was asked by the mistress what
+passengers he had in his coach? "A parcel of squinny-gut b--s," says he;
+"I have a good mind to overturn them; you won't prevail upon them to
+drink anything, I assure you." Adams asked him, "If he had not seen a
+young man on horseback on the road" (describing Joseph). "Aye," said
+the coachman, "a gentlewoman in my coach that is his acquaintance
+redeemed him and his horse; he would have been here before this time,
+had not the storm driven him to shelter." "God bless her!" said Adams,
+in a rapture; nor could he delay walking out to satisfy himself who this
+charitable woman was; but what was his surprize when he saw his old
+acquaintance, Madam Slipslop? Hers indeed was not so great, because she
+had been informed by Joseph that he was on the road. Very civil were the
+salutations on both sides; and Mrs Slipslop rebuked the hostess for
+denying the gentleman to be there when she asked for him; but indeed the
+poor woman had not erred designedly; for Mrs Slipslop asked for a
+clergyman, and she had unhappily mistaken Adams for a person travelling
+to a neighbouring fair with the thimble and button, or some other such
+operation; for he marched in a swinging great but short white coat with
+black buttons, a short wig, and a hat which, so far from having a black
+hatband, had nothing black about it.
+
+Joseph was now come up, and Mrs Slipslop would have had him quit his
+horse to the parson, and come himself into the coach; but he absolutely
+refused, saying, he thanked Heaven he was well enough recovered to be
+very able to ride; and added, he hoped he knew his duty better than to
+ride in a coach while Mr Adams was on horseback.
+
+Mrs Slipslop would have persisted longer, had not a lady in the coach
+put a short end to the dispute, by refusing to suffer a fellow in a
+livery to ride in the same coach with herself; so it was at length
+agreed that Adams should fill the vacant place in the coach, and Joseph
+should proceed on horseback.
+
+They had not proceeded far before Mrs Slipslop, addressing herself to
+the parson, spoke thus:--"There hath been a strange alteration in our
+family, Mr Adams, since Sir Thomas's death." "A strange alteration
+indeed," says Adams, "as I gather from some hints which have dropped
+from Joseph."--"Aye," says she, "I could never have believed it; but the
+longer one lives in the world, the more one sees. So Joseph hath given
+you hints." "But of what nature will always remain a perfect secret with
+me," cries the parson: "he forced me to promise before he would
+communicate anything. I am indeed concerned to find her ladyship behave
+in so unbecoming a manner. I always thought her in the main a good lady,
+and should never have suspected her of thoughts so unworthy a Christian,
+and with a young lad her own servant." "These things are no secrets to
+me, I assure you," cries Slipslop, "and I believe they will be none
+anywhere shortly; for ever since the boy's departure, she hath behaved
+more like a mad woman than anything else." "Truly, I am heartily
+concerned," says Adams, "for she was a good sort of a lady. Indeed, I
+have often wished she had attended a little more constantly at the
+service, but she hath done a great deal of good in the parish." "O Mr
+Adams," says Slipslop, "people that don't see all, often know nothing.
+Many things have been given away in our family, I do assure you, without
+her knowledge. I have heard you say in the pulpit we ought not to brag;
+but indeed I can't avoid saying, if she had kept the keys herself, the
+poor would have wanted many a cordial which I have let them have. As for
+my late master, he was as worthy a man as ever lived, and would have
+done infinite good if he had not been controlled; but he loved a quiet
+life, Heaven rest his soul! I am confident he is there, and enjoys a
+quiet life, which some folks would not allow him here."--Adams answered,
+"He had never heard this before, and was mistaken if she herself (for he
+remembered she used to commend her mistress and blame her master) had
+not formerly been of another opinion." "I don't know," replied she,
+"what I might once think; but now I am confidous matters are as I tell
+you; the world will shortly see who hath been deceived; for my part, I
+say nothing, but that it is wondersome how some people can carry all
+things with a grave face."
+
+Thus Mr Adams and she discoursed, till they came opposite to a great
+house which stood at some distance from the road: a lady in the coach,
+spying it, cried, "Yonder lives the unfortunate Leonora, if one can
+justly call a woman unfortunate whom we must own at the same time guilty
+and the author of her own calamity." This was abundantly sufficient to
+awaken the curiosity of Mr Adams, as indeed it did that of the whole
+company, who jointly solicited the lady to acquaint them with Leonora's
+history, since it seemed, by what she had said, to contain something
+remarkable.
+
+The lady, who was perfectly well-bred, did not require many entreaties,
+and having only wished their entertainment might make amends for the
+company's attention, she began in the following manner.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+_The history of Leonora, or the unfortunate jilt._
+
+
+Leonora was the daughter of a gentleman of fortune; she was tall and
+well-shaped, with a sprightliness in her countenance which often
+attracts beyond more regular features joined with an insipid air: nor is
+this kind of beauty less apt to deceive than allure; the good humour
+which it indicates being often mistaken for good nature, and the
+vivacity for true understanding.
+
+Leonora, who was now at the age of eighteen, lived with an aunt of hers
+in a town in the north of England. She was an extreme lover of gaiety,
+and very rarely missed a ball or any other public assembly; where she
+had frequent opportunities of satisfying a greedy appetite of vanity,
+with the preference which was given her by the men to almost every other
+woman present.
+
+Among many young fellows who were particular in their gallantries
+towards her, Horatio soon distinguished himself in her eyes beyond all
+his competitors; she danced with more than ordinary gaiety when he
+happened to be her partner; neither the fairness of the evening, nor the
+musick of the nightingale, could lengthen her walk like his company. She
+affected no longer to understand the civilities of others; whilst she
+inclined so attentive an ear to every compliment of Horatio, that she
+often smiled even when it was too delicate for her comprehension.
+
+"Pray, madam," says Adams, "who was this squire Horatio?"
+
+Horatio, says the lady, was a young gentleman of a good family, bred to
+the law, and had been some few years called to the degree of a
+barrister. His face and person were such as the generality allowed
+handsome; but he had a dignity in his air very rarely to be seen. His
+temper was of the saturnine complexion, and without the least taint of
+moroseness. He had wit and humour, with an inclination to satire, which
+he indulged rather too much.
+
+This gentleman, who had contracted the most violent passion for Leonora,
+was the last person who perceived the probability of its success. The
+whole town had made the match for him before he himself had drawn a
+confidence from her actions sufficient to mention his passion to her;
+for it was his opinion (and perhaps he was there in the right) that it
+is highly impolitick to talk seriously of love to a woman before you
+have made such a progress in her affections, that she herself expects
+and desires to hear it.
+
+But whatever diffidence the fears of a lover may create, which are apt
+to magnify every favour conferred on a rival, and to see the little
+advances towards themselves through the other end of the perspective, it
+was impossible that Horatio's passion should so blind his discernment as
+to prevent his conceiving hopes from the behaviour of Leonora, whose
+fondness for him was now as visible to an indifferent person in their
+company as his for her.
+
+"I never knew any of these forward sluts come to good" (says the lady
+who refused Joseph's entrance into the coach), "nor shall I wonder at
+anything she doth in the sequel."
+
+The lady proceeded in her story thus: It was in the midst of a gay
+conversation in the walks one evening, when Horatio whispered Leonora,
+that he was desirous to take a turn or two with her in private, for that
+he had something to communicate to her of great consequence. "Are you
+sure it is of consequence?" said she, smiling. "I hope," answered he,
+"you will think so too, since the whole future happiness of my life must
+depend on the event."
+
+Leonora, who very much suspected what was coming, would have deferred it
+till another time; but Horatio, who had more than half conquered the
+difficulty of speaking by the first motion, was so very importunate,
+that she at last yielded, and, leaving the rest of the company, they
+turned aside into an unfrequented walk.
+
+They had retired far out of the sight of the company, both maintaining a
+strict silence. At last Horatio made a full stop, and taking Leonora,
+who stood pale and trembling, gently by the hand, he fetched a deep
+sigh, and then, looking on her eyes with all the tenderness imaginable,
+he cried out in a faltering accent, "O Leonora! is it necessary for me
+to declare to you on what the future happiness of my life must be
+founded? Must I say there is something belonging to you which is a bar
+to my happiness, and which unless you will part with, I must be
+miserable!"--"What can that be?" replied Leonora. "No wonder," said he,
+"you are surprized that I should make an objection to anything which is
+yours: yet sure you may guess, since it is the only one which the riches
+of the world, if they were mine, should purchase for me. Oh, it is that
+which you must part with to bestow all the rest! Can Leonora, or rather
+will she, doubt longer? Let me then whisper it in her ears--It is your
+name, madam. It is by parting with that, by your condescension to be for
+ever mine, which must at once prevent me from being the most miserable,
+and will render me the happiest of mankind."
+
+Leonora, covered with blushes, and with as angry a look as she could
+possibly put on, told him, "That had she suspected what his declaration
+would have been, he should not have decoyed her from her company, that
+he had so surprized and frighted her, that she begged him to convey her
+back as quick as possible;" which he, trembling very near as much as
+herself, did.
+
+"More fool he," cried Slipslop; "it is a sign he knew very little of our
+sect."--"Truly, madam," said Adams, "I think you are in the right: I
+should have insisted to know a piece of her mind, when I had carried
+matters so far." But Mrs Grave-airs desired the lady to omit all such
+fulsome stuff in her story, for that it made her sick.
+
+Well then, madam, to be as concise as possible, said the lady, many
+weeks had not passed after this interview before Horatio and Leonora
+were what they call on a good footing together. All ceremonies except
+the last were now over; the writings were now drawn, and everything was
+in the utmost forwardness preparative to the putting Horatio in
+possession of all his wishes. I will, if you please, repeat you a letter
+from each of them, which I have got by heart, and which will give you no
+small idea of their passion on both sides.
+
+Mrs Grave-airs objected to hearing these letters; but being put to the
+vote, it was carried against her by all the rest in the coach; parson
+Adams contending for it with the utmost vehemence.
+
+HORATIO TO LEONORA.
+
+"How vain, most adorable creature, is the pursuit of pleasure in the
+absence of an object to which the mind is entirely devoted, unless it
+have some relation to that object! I was last night condemned to the
+society of men of wit and learning, which, however agreeable it might
+have formerly been to me, now only gave me a suspicion that they imputed
+my absence in conversation to the true cause. For which reason, when
+your engagements forbid me the ecstatic happiness of seeing you, I am
+always desirous to be alone; since my sentiments for Leonora are so
+delicate, that I cannot bear the apprehension of another's prying into
+those delightful endearments with which the warm imagination of a lover
+will sometimes indulge him, and which I suspect my eyes then betray. To
+fear this discovery of our thoughts may perhaps appear too ridiculous a
+nicety to minds not susceptible of all the tendernesses of this delicate
+passion. And surely we shall suspect there are few such, when we
+consider that it requires every human virtue to exert itself in its full
+extent; since the beloved, whose happiness it ultimately respects, may
+give us charming opportunities of being brave in her defence, generous
+to her wants, compassionate to her afflictions, grateful to her
+kindness; and in the same manner, of exercising every other virtue,
+which he who would not do to any degree, and that with the utmost
+rapture, can never deserve the name of a lover. It is, therefore, with a
+view to the delicate modesty of your mind that I cultivate it so purely
+in my own; and it is that which will sufficiently suggest to you the
+uneasiness I bear from those liberties, which men to whom the world
+allow politeness will sometimes give themselves on these occasions.
+
+"Can I tell you with what eagerness I expect the arrival of that blest
+day, when I shall experience the falsehood of a common assertion, that
+the greatest human happiness consists in hope? A doctrine which no
+person had ever stronger reason to believe than myself at present, since
+none ever tasted such bliss as fires my bosom with the thoughts of
+spending my future days with such a companion, and that every action of
+my life will have the glorious satisfaction of conducing to your
+happiness."
+
+LEONORA TO HORATIO.[A]
+
+[A] This letter was written by a young lady on reading the former.
+
+"The refinement of your mind has been so evidently proved by every word
+and action ever since I had the first pleasure of knowing you, that I
+thought it impossible my good opinion of Horatio could have been
+heightened to any additional proof of merit. This very thought was my
+amusement when I received your last letter, which, when I opened, I
+confess I was surprized to find the delicate sentiments expressed there
+so far exceeding what I thought could come even from you (although I
+know all the generous principles human nature is capable of are centred
+in your breast), that words cannot paint what I feel on the reflection
+that my happiness shall be the ultimate end of all your actions.
+
+"Oh, Horatio! what a life must that be, where the meanest domestic cares
+are sweetened by the pleasing consideration that the man on earth who
+best deserves, and to whom you are most inclined to give your
+affections, is to reap either profit or pleasure from all you do! In
+such a case toils must be turned into diversions, and nothing but the
+unavoidable inconveniences of life can make us remember that we
+are mortal.
+
+"If the solitary turn of your thoughts, and the desire of keeping them
+undiscovered, makes even the conversation of men of wit and learning
+tedious to you, what anxious hours must I spend, who am condemned by
+custom to the conversation of women, whose natural curiosity leads them
+to pry into all my thoughts, and whose envy can never suffer Horatio's
+heart to be possessed by any one, without forcing them into malicious
+designs against the person who is so happy as to possess it! But,
+indeed, if ever envy can possibly have any excuse, or even alleviation,
+it is in this case, where the good is so great, and it must be equally
+natural to all to wish it for themselves; nor am I ashamed to own it:
+and to your merit, Horatio, I am obliged, that prevents my being in that
+most uneasy of all the situations I can figure in my imagination, of
+being led by inclination to love the person whom my own judgment forces
+me to condemn."
+
+Matters were in so great forwardness between this fond couple, that the
+day was fixed for their marriage, and was now within a fortnight, when
+the sessions chanced to be held for that county in a town about twenty
+miles' distance from that which is the scene of our story. It seems, it
+is usual for the young gentlemen of the bar to repair to these sessions,
+not so much for the sake of profit as to show their parts and learn the
+law of the justices of peace; for which purpose one of the wisest and
+gravest of all the justices is appointed speaker, or chairman, as they
+modestly call it, and he reads them a lecture, and instructs them in the
+true knowledge of the law.
+
+"You are here guilty of a little mistake," says Adams, "which, if you
+please, I will correct: I have attended at one of these
+quarter-sessions, where I observed the counsel taught the justices,
+instead of learning anything of them."
+
+It is not very material, said the lady. Hither repaired Horatio, who, as
+he hoped by his profession to advance his fortune, which was not at
+present very large, for the sake of his dear Leonora, he resolved to
+spare no pains, nor lose any opportunity of improving or advancing
+himself in it.
+
+The same afternoon in which he left the town, as Leonora stood at her
+window, a coach and six passed by, which she declared to be the
+completest, genteelest, prettiest equipage she ever saw; adding these
+remarkable words, "Oh, I am in love with that equipage!" which, though
+her friend Florella at that time did not greatly regard, she hath since
+remembered.
+
+In the evening an assembly was held, which Leonora honoured with her
+company; but intended to pay her dear Horatio the compliment of refusing
+to dance in his absence.
+
+Oh, why have not women as good resolution to maintain their vows as they
+have often good inclinations in making them!
+
+The gentleman who owned the coach and six came to the assembly. His
+clothes were as remarkably fine as his equipage could be. He soon
+attracted the eyes of the company; all the smarts, all the silk
+waistcoats with silver and gold edgings, were eclipsed in an instant.
+
+"Madam," said Adams, "if it be not impertinent, I should be glad to know
+how this gentleman was drest."
+
+Sir, answered the lady, I have been told he had on a cut velvet coat of
+a cinnamon colour, lined with a pink satten, embroidered all over with
+gold; his waistcoat, which was cloth of silver, was embroidered with
+gold likewise. I cannot be particular as to the rest of his dress; but
+it was all in the French fashion, for Bellarmine (that was his name) was
+just arrived from Paris.
+
+This fine figure did not more entirely engage the eyes of every lady in
+the assembly than Leonora did his. He had scarce beheld her, but he
+stood motionless and fixed as a statue, or at least would have done so
+if good breeding had permitted him. However, he carried it so far before
+he had power to correct himself, that every person in the room easily
+discovered where his admiration was settled. The other ladies began to
+single out their former partners, all perceiving who would be
+Bellarmine's choice; which they however endeavoured, by all possible
+means, to prevent: many of them saying to Leonora, "O madam! I suppose
+we shan't have the pleasure of seeing you dance to-night;" and then
+crying out, in Bellarmine's hearing, "Oh! Leonora will not dance, I
+assure you: her partner is not here." One maliciously attempted to
+prevent her, by sending a disagreeable fellow to ask her, that so she
+might be obliged either to dance with him, or sit down; but this scheme
+proved abortive.
+
+Leonora saw herself admired by the fine stranger, and envied by every
+woman present. Her little heart began to flutter within her, and her
+head was agitated with a convulsive motion: she seemed as if she would
+speak to several of her acquaintance, but had nothing to say; for, as
+she would not mention her present triumph, so she could not disengage
+her thoughts one moment from the contemplation of it. She had never
+tasted anything like this happiness. She had before known what it was to
+torment a single woman; but to be hated and secretly cursed by a whole
+assembly was a joy reserved for this blessed moment. As this vast
+profusion of ecstasy had confounded her understanding, so there was
+nothing so foolish as her behaviour: she played a thousand childish
+tricks, distorted her person into several shapes, and her face into
+several laughs, without any reason. In a word, her carriage was as
+absurd as her desires, which were to affect an insensibility of the
+stranger's admiration, and at the same time a triumph, from that
+admiration, over every woman in the room.
+
+In this temper of mind, Bellarmine, having inquired who she was,
+advanced to her, and with a low bow begged the honour of dancing with
+her, which she, with as low a curtesy, immediately granted. She danced
+with him all night, and enjoyed, perhaps, the highest pleasure that she
+was capable of feeling.
+
+At these words, Adams fetched a deep groan, which frighted the ladies,
+who told him, "They hoped he was not ill." He answered, "He groaned only
+for the folly of Leonora."
+
+Leonora retired (continued the lady) about six in the morning, but not
+to rest. She tumbled and tossed in her bed, with very short intervals of
+sleep, and those entirely filled with dreams of the equipage and fine
+clothes she had seen, and the balls, operas, and ridottos, which had
+been the subject of their conversation.
+
+In the afternoon, Bellarmine, in the dear coach and six, came to wait on
+her. He was indeed charmed with her person, and was, on inquiry, so well
+pleased with the circumstances of her father (for he himself,
+notwithstanding all his finery, was not quite so rich as a Croesus or
+an Attalus).--"Attalus," says Mr. Adams: "but pray how came you
+acquainted with these names?" The lady smiled at the question, and
+proceeded. He was so pleased, I say, that he resolved to make his
+addresses to her directly. He did so accordingly, and that with so much
+warmth and briskness, that he quickly baffled her weak repulses, and
+obliged the lady to refer him to her father, who, she knew, would
+quickly declare in favour of a coach and six.
+
+Thus what Horatio had by sighs and tears, love and tenderness, been so
+long obtaining, the French-English Bellarmine with gaiety and gallantry
+possessed himself of in an instant. In other words, what modesty had
+employed a full year in raising, impudence demolished in
+twenty-four hours.
+
+Here Adams groaned a second time; but the ladies, who began to smoke
+him, took no notice.
+
+From the opening of the assembly till the end of Bellarmine's visit,
+Leonora had scarce once thought of Horatio; but he now began, though an
+unwelcome guest, to enter into her mind. She wished she had seen the
+charming Bellarmine and his charming equipage before matters had gone so
+far. "Yet why," says she, "should I wish to have seen him before; or
+what signifies it that I have seen him now? Is not Horatio my lover,
+almost my husband? Is he not as handsome, nay handsomer than Bellarmine?
+Aye, but Bellarmine is the genteeler, and the finer man; yes, that he
+must be allowed. Yes, yes, he is that certainly. But did not I, no
+longer ago than yesterday, love Horatio more than all the world? Aye,
+but yesterday I had not seen Bellarmine. But doth not Horatio doat on
+me, and may he not in despair break his heart if I abandon him? Well,
+and hath not Bellarmine a heart to break too? Yes, but I promised
+Horatio first; but that was poor Bellarmine's misfortune; if I had seen
+him first, I should certainly have preferred him. Did not the dear
+creature prefer me to every woman in the assembly, when every she was
+laying out for him? When was it in Horatio's power to give me such an
+instance of affection? Can he give me an equipage, or any of those
+things which Bellarmine will make me mistress of? How vast is the
+difference between being the wife of a poor counsellor and the wife of
+one of Bellarmine's fortune! If I marry Horatio, I shall triumph over no
+more than one rival; but by marrying Bellarmine, I shall be the envy of
+all my acquaintance. What happiness! But can I suffer Horatio to die?
+for he hath sworn he cannot survive my loss: but perhaps he may not die:
+if he should, can I prevent it? Must I sacrifice myself to him? besides,
+Bellarmine may be as miserable for me too." She was thus arguing with
+herself, when some young ladies called her to the walks, and a little
+relieved her anxiety for the present.
+
+The next morning Bellarmine breakfasted with her in presence of her
+aunt, whom he sufficiently informed of his passion for Leonora. He was
+no sooner withdrawn than the old lady began to advise her niece on this
+occasion. "You see, child," says she, "what fortune hath thrown in your
+way; and I hope you will not withstand your own preferment." Leonora,
+sighing, begged her not to mention any such thing, when she knew her
+engagements to Horatio. "Engagements to a fig!" cried the aunt; "you
+should thank Heaven on your knees that you have it yet in your power to
+break them. Will any woman hesitate a moment whether she shall ride in a
+coach or walk on foot all the days of her life? But Bellarmine drives
+six, and Horatio not even a pair."--"Yes, but, madam, what will the
+world say?" answered Leonora: "will not they condemn me?"--"The world is
+always on the side of prudence," cries the aunt, "and would surely
+condemn you if you sacrificed your interest to any motive whatever. Oh!
+I know the world very well; and you shew your ignorance, my dear, by
+your objection. O' my conscience! the world is wiser. I have lived
+longer in it than you; and I assure you there is not anything worth our
+regard besides money; nor did I ever know one person who married from
+other considerations, who did not afterwards heartily repent it.
+Besides, if we examine the two men, can you prefer a sneaking fellow,
+who hath been bred at the university, to a fine gentleman just come from
+his travels. All the world must allow Bellarmine to be a fine gentleman,
+positively a fine gentleman, and a handsome man."--"Perhaps, madam, I
+should not doubt, if I knew how to be handsomely off with the
+other."--"Oh! leave that to me," says the aunt. "You know your father
+hath not been acquainted with the affair. Indeed, for my part I thought
+it might do well enough, not dreaming of such an offer; but I'll
+disengage you: leave me to give the fellow an answer. I warrant you
+shall have no farther trouble."
+
+Leonora was at length satisfied with her aunt's reasoning; and
+Bellarmine supping with her that evening, it was agreed he should the
+next morning go to her father and propose the match, which she consented
+should be consummated at his return.
+
+The aunt retired soon after supper; and, the lovers being left together,
+Bellarmine began in the following manner: "Yes, madam; this coat, I
+assure you, was made at Paris, and I defy the best English taylor even
+to imitate it. There is not one of them can cut, madam; they can't cut.
+If you observe how this skirt is turned, and this sleeve: a clumsy
+English rascal can do nothing like it. Pray, how do you like my
+liveries?" Leonora answered, "She thought them very pretty."--"All
+French," says he, "I assure you, except the greatcoats; I never trust
+anything more than a greatcoat to an Englishman. You know one must
+encourage our own people what one can, especially as, before I had a
+place, I was in the country interest, he, he, he! But for myself, I
+would see the dirty island at the bottom of the sea, rather than wear a
+single rag of English work about me: and I am sure, after you have made
+one tour to Paris, you will be of the same opinion with regard to your
+own clothes. You can't conceive what an addition a French dress would be
+to your beauty; I positively assure you, at the first opera I saw since
+I came over, I mistook the English ladies for chambermaids, he, he, he!"
+
+With such sort of polite discourse did the gay Bellarmine entertain his
+beloved Leonora, when the door opened on a sudden, and Horatio entered
+the room. Here 'tis impossible to express the surprize of Leonora.
+
+"Poor woman!" says Mrs Slipslop, "what a terrible quandary she must be
+in!"--"Not at all," says Mrs Grave-airs; "such sluts can never be
+confounded."--"She must have then more than Corinthian assurance," said
+Adams; "aye, more than Lais herself."
+
+A long silence, continued the lady, prevailed in the whole company. If
+the familiar entrance of Horatio struck the greatest astonishment into
+Bellarmine, the unexpected presence of Bellarmine no less surprized
+Horatio. At length Leonora, collecting all the spirit she was mistress
+of, addressed herself to the latter, and pretended to wonder at the
+reason of so late a visit. "I should indeed," answered he, "have made
+some apology for disturbing you at this hour, had not my finding you in
+company assured me I do not break in upon your repose." Bellarmine rose
+from his chair, traversed the room in a minuet step, and hummed an
+opera tune, while Horatio, advancing to Leonora, asked her in a whisper
+if that gentleman was not a relation of hers; to which she answered with
+a smile, or rather sneer, "No, he is no relation of mine yet;" adding,
+"she could not guess the meaning of his question." Horatio told her
+softly, "It did not arise from jealousy."--"Jealousy! I assure you, it
+would be very strange in a common acquaintance to give himself any of
+those airs." These words a little surprized Horatio; but, before he had
+time to answer, Bellarmine danced up to the lady and told her, "He
+feared he interrupted some business between her and the gentleman."--"I
+can have no business," said she, "with the gentleman, nor any other,
+which need be any secret to you."
+
+"You'll pardon me," said Horatio, "if I desire to know who this
+gentleman is who is to be entrusted with all our secrets."--"You'll know
+soon enough," cries Leonora; "but I can't guess what secrets can ever
+pass between us of such mighty consequence."--"No, madam!" cries
+Horatio; "I am sure you would not have me understand you in
+earnest."--"'Tis indifferent to me," says she, "how you understand me;
+but I think so unseasonable a visit is difficult to be understood at
+all, at least when people find one engaged: though one's servants do not
+deny one, one may expect a well-bred person should soon take the hint."
+"Madam," said Horatio, "I did not imagine any engagement with a
+stranger, as it seems this gentleman is, would have made my visit
+impertinent, or that any such ceremonies were to be preserved between
+persons in our situation." "Sure you are in a dream," says she, "or
+would persuade me that I am in one. I know no pretensions a common
+acquaintance can have to lay aside the ceremonies of good breeding."
+"Sure," said he, "I am in a dream; for it is impossible I should be
+really esteemed a common acquaintance by Leonora, after what has passed
+between us?" "Passed between us! Do you intend to affront me before this
+gentleman?" "D--n me, affront the lady," says Bellarmine, cocking his
+hat, and strutting up to Horatio: "does any man dare affront this lady
+before me, d--n me?" "Hark'ee, sir," says Horatio, "I would advise you
+to lay aside that fierce air; for I am mightily deceived if this lady
+has not a violent desire to get your worship a good drubbing." "Sir,"
+said Bellarmine, "I have the honour to be her protector; and, d--n me,
+if I understand your meaning." "Sir," answered Horatio, "she is rather
+your protectress; but give yourself no more airs, for you see I am
+prepared for you" (shaking his whip at him). "Oh! _serviteur tres
+humble_," says Bellarmine: "_Je vous entend parfaitment bien_." At which
+time the aunt, who had heard of Horatio's visit, entered the room, and
+soon satisfied all his doubts. She convinced him that he was never more
+awake in his life, and that nothing more extraordinary had happened in
+his three days' absence than a small alteration in the affections of
+Leonora; who now burst into tears, and wondered what reason she had
+given him to use her in so barbarous a manner. Horatio desired
+Bellarmine to withdraw with him; but the ladies prevented it by laying
+violent hands on the latter; upon which the former took his leave
+without any great ceremony, and departed, leaving the lady with his
+rival to consult for his safety, which Leonora feared her indiscretion
+might have endangered; but the aunt comforted her with assurances that
+Horatio would not venture his person against so accomplished a cavalier
+as Bellarmine, and that, being a lawyer, he would seek revenge in his
+own way, and the most they had to apprehend from him was an action.
+
+They at length therefore agreed to permit Bellarmine to retire to his
+lodgings, having first settled all matters relating to the journey which
+he was to undertake in the morning, and their preparations for the
+nuptials at his return.
+
+But, alas! as wise men have observed, the seat of valour is not the
+countenance; and many a grave and plain man will, on a just provocation,
+betake himself to that mischievous metal, cold iron; while men of a
+fiercer brow, and sometimes with that emblem of courage, a cockade, will
+more prudently decline it.
+
+Leonora was waked in the morning, from a visionary coach and six, with
+the dismal account that Bellarmine was run through the body by Horatio;
+that he lay languishing at an inn, and the surgeons had declared the
+wound mortal. She immediately leaped out of the bed, danced about the
+room in a frantic manner, tore her hair and beat her breast in all the
+agonies of despair; in which sad condition her aunt, who likewise arose
+at the news, found her. The good old lady applied her utmost art to
+comfort her niece. She told her, "While there was life there was hope;
+but that if he should die her affliction would be of no service to
+Bellarmine, and would only expose herself, which might, probably, keep
+her some time without any future offer; that, as matters had happened,
+her wisest way would be to think no more of Bellarmine, but to endeavour
+to regain the affections of Horatio." "Speak not to me," cried the
+disconsolate Leonora; "is it not owing to me that poor Bellarmine has
+lost his life? Have not these cursed charms (at which words she looked
+steadfastly in the glass) been the ruin of the most charming man of this
+age? Can I ever bear to contemplate my own face again (with her eyes
+still fixed on the glass)? Am I not the murderess of the finest
+gentleman? No other woman in the town could have made any impression on
+him." "Never think of things past," cries the aunt: "think of regaining
+the affections of Horatio." "What reason," said the niece, "have I to
+hope he would forgive me? No, I have lost him as well as the other, and
+it was your wicked advice which was the occasion of all; you seduced me,
+contrary to my inclinations, to abandon poor Horatio (at which words she
+burst into tears); you prevailed upon me, whether I would or no, to give
+up my affections for him; had it not been for you, Bellarmine never
+would have entered into my thoughts; had not his addresses been backed
+by your persuasions, they never would have made any impression on me; I
+should have defied all the fortune and equipage in the world; but it was
+you, it was you, who got the better of my youth and simplicity, and
+forced me to lose my dear Horatio for ever."
+
+The aunt was almost borne down with this torrent of words; she, however,
+rallied all the strength she could, and, drawing her mouth up in a
+purse, began: "I am not surprized, niece, at this ingratitude. Those who
+advise young women for their interest, must always expect such a return:
+I am convinced my brother will thank me for breaking off your match with
+Horatio, at any rate."--"That may not be in your power yet," answered
+Leonora, "though it is very ungrateful in you to desire or attempt it,
+after the presents you have received from him." (For indeed true it is,
+that many presents, and some pretty valuable ones, had passed from
+Horatio to the old lady; but as true it is, that Bellarmine, when he
+breakfasted with her and her niece, had complimented her with a
+brilliant from his finger, of much greater value than all she had
+touched of the other.)
+
+The aunt's gall was on float to reply, when a servant brought a letter
+into the room, which Leonora, hearing it came from Bellarmine, with
+great eagerness opened, and read as follows:--
+
+"MOST DIVINE CREATURE,--The wound which I fear you have heard I
+received from my rival is not like to be so fatal as those shot into my
+heart which have been fired from your eyes, _tout brilliant_. Those are
+the only cannons by which I am to fall; for my surgeon gives me hopes of
+being soon able to attend your _ruelle_; till when, unless you would do
+me an honour which I have scarce the _hardiesse_ to think of, your
+absence will be the greatest anguish which can be felt by,
+
+"Madam,
+
+"_Avec toute le respecte_ in the world,
+
+"Your most obedient, most absolute _Devote_,
+
+"BELLARMINE."
+
+As soon as Leonora perceived such hopes of Bellarmine's recovery, and
+that the gossip Fame had, according to custom, so enlarged his danger,
+she presently abandoned all further thoughts of Horatio, and was soon
+reconciled to her aunt, who received her again into favour, with a more
+Christian forgiveness than we generally meet with. Indeed, it is
+possible she might be a little alarmed at the hints which her niece had
+given her concerning the presents. She might apprehend such rumours,
+should they get abroad, might injure a reputation which, by frequenting
+church twice a day, and preserving the utmost rigour and strictness in
+her countenance and behaviour for many years, she had established.
+
+Leonora's passion returned now for Bellarmine with greater force, after
+its small relaxation, than ever. She proposed to her aunt to make him a
+visit in his confinement, which the old lady, with great and commendable
+prudence, advised her to decline: "For," says she, "should any accident
+intervene to prevent your intended match, too forward a behaviour with
+this lover may injure you in the eyes of others. Every woman, till she
+is married, ought to consider of, and provide against, the possibility
+of the affair's breaking off." Leonora said, "She should be indifferent
+to whatever might happen in such a case; for she had now so absolutely
+placed her affections on this dear man (so she called him), that, if it
+was her misfortune to lose him, she should for ever abandon all thoughts
+of mankind." She, therefore, resolved to visit him, notwithstanding all
+the prudent advice of her aunt to the contrary, and that very afternoon
+executed her resolution.
+
+The lady was proceeding in her story, when the coach drove into the inn
+where the company were to dine, sorely to the dissatisfaction of Mr
+Adams, whose ears were the most hungry part about him; he being, as the
+reader may perhaps guess, of an insatiable curiosity, and heartily
+desirous of hearing the end of this amour, though he professed he could
+scarce wish success to a lady of so inconstant a disposition.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+_A dreadful quarrel which happened at the Inn where the company dined,
+with its bloody consequences to Mr Adams._
+
+
+As soon as the passengers had alighted from the coach, Mr Adams, as was
+his custom, made directly to the kitchen, where he found Joseph sitting
+by the fire, and the hostess anointing his leg; for the horse which Mr
+Adams had borrowed of his clerk had so violent a propensity to kneeling,
+that one would have thought it had been his trade, as well as his
+master's; nor would he always give any notice of such his intention; he
+was often found on his knees when the rider least expected it. This
+foible, however, was of no great inconvenience to the parson, who was
+accustomed to it; and, as his legs almost touched the ground when he
+bestrode the beast, had but a little way to fall, and threw himself
+forward on such occasions with so much dexterity that he never received
+any mischief; the horse and he frequently rolling many paces' distance,
+and afterwards both getting up and meeting as good friends as ever.
+
+Poor Joseph, who had not been used to such kind of cattle, though an
+excellent horseman, did not so happily disengage himself; but, falling
+with his leg under the beast, received a violent contusion, to which the
+good woman was, as we have said, applying a warm hand, with some
+camphorated spirits, just at the time when the parson entered
+the kitchen.
+
+He had scarce expressed his concern for Joseph's misfortune before the
+host likewise entered. He was by no means of Mr Tow-wouse's gentle
+disposition; and was, indeed, perfect master of his house, and
+everything in it but his guests.
+
+This surly fellow, who always proportioned his respect to the appearance
+of a traveller, from "God bless your honour," down to plain "Coming
+presently," observing his wife on her knees to a footman, cried out,
+without considering his circumstances, "What a pox is the woman about?
+why don't you mind the company in the coach? Go and ask them what they
+will have for dinner." "My dear," says she, "you know they can have
+nothing but what is at the fire, which will be ready presently; and
+really the poor young man's leg is very much bruised." At which words
+she fell to chafing more violently than before: the bell then happening
+to ring, he damn'd his wife, and bid her go in to the company, and not
+stand rubbing there all day, for he did not believe the young fellow's
+leg was so bad as he pretended; and if it was, within twenty miles he
+would find a surgeon to cut it off. Upon these words, Adams fetched two
+strides across the room; and snapping his fingers over his head,
+muttered aloud, He would excommunicate such a wretch for a farthing, for
+he believed the devil had more humanity. These words occasioned a
+dialogue between Adams and the host, in which there were two or three
+sharp replies, till Joseph bad the latter know how to behave himself to
+his betters. At which the host (having first strictly surveyed Adams)
+scornfully repeating the word "betters," flew into a rage, and, telling
+Joseph he was as able to walk out of his house as he had been to walk
+into it, offered to lay violent hands on him; which perceiving, Adams
+dealt him so sound a compliment over his face with his fist, that the
+blood immediately gushed out of his nose in a stream. The host, being
+unwilling to be outdone in courtesy, especially by a person of Adams's
+figure, returned the favour with so much gratitude, that the parson's
+nostrils began to look a little redder than usual. Upon which he again
+assailed his antagonist, and with another stroke laid him sprawling on
+the floor.
+
+The hostess, who was a better wife than so surly a husband deserved,
+seeing her husband all bloody and stretched along, hastened presently to
+his assistance, or rather to revenge the blow, which, to all appearance,
+was the last he would ever receive; when, lo! a pan full of hog's blood,
+which unluckily stood on the dresser, presented itself first to her
+hands. She seized it in her fury, and without any reflection, discharged
+it into the parson's face; and with so good an aim, that much the
+greater part first saluted his countenance, and trickled thence in so
+large a current down to his beard, and over his garments, that a more
+horrible spectacle was hardly to be seen, or even imagined. All which
+was perceived by Mrs Slipslop, who entered the kitchen at that instant.
+This good gentlewoman, not being of a temper so extremely cool and
+patient as perhaps was required to ask many questions on this occasion,
+flew with great impetuosity at the hostess's cap, which, together with
+some of her hair, she plucked from her head in a moment, giving her, at
+the same time, several hearty cuffs in the face; which by frequent
+practice on the inferior servants, she had learned an excellent knack of
+delivering with a good grace. Poor Joseph could hardly rise from his
+chair; the parson was employed in wiping the blood from his eyes, which
+had entirely blinded him; and the landlord was but just beginning to
+stir; whilst Mrs Slipslop, holding down the landlady's face with her
+left hand, made so dexterous an use of her right, that the poor woman
+began to roar, in a key which alarmed all the company in the inn.
+
+There happened to be in the inn, at this time, besides the ladies who
+arrived in the stage-coach, the two gentlemen who were present at Mr
+Tow-wouse's when Joseph was detained for his horse's meat, and whom we
+have before mentioned to have stopt at the alehouse with Adams. There
+was likewise a gentleman just returned from his travels to Italy; all
+whom the horrid outcry of murder presently brought into the kitchen,
+where the several combatants were found in the postures already
+described.
+
+It was now no difficulty to put an end to the fray, the conquerors being
+satisfied with the vengeance they had taken, and the conquered having no
+appetite to renew the fight. The principal figure, and which engaged the
+eyes of all, was Adams, who was all over covered with blood, which the
+whole company concluded to be his own, and consequently imagined him no
+longer for this world. But the host, who had now recovered from his
+blow, and was risen from the ground, soon delivered them from this
+apprehension, by damning his wife for wasting the hog's puddings, and
+telling her all would have been very well if she had not intermeddled,
+like a b--as she was; adding, he was very glad the gentlewoman had paid
+her, though not half what she deserved. The poor woman had indeed fared
+much the worst; having, besides the unmerciful cuffs received, lost a
+quantity of hair, which Mrs Slipslop in triumph held in her left hand.
+
+The traveller, addressing himself to Mrs Grave-airs, desired her not to
+be frightened; for here had been only a little boxing, which he said, to
+their _disgracia_, the English were _accustomata_ to: adding, it must
+be, however, a sight somewhat strange to him, who was just come from
+Italy; the Italians not being addicted to the _cuffardo_ but _bastonza_,
+says he. He then went up to Adams, and telling him he looked like the
+ghost of Othello, bid him not shake his gory locks at him, for he could
+not say he did it. Adams very innocently answered, "Sir, I am far from
+accusing you." He then returned to the lady, and cried, "I find the
+bloody gentleman is _uno insipido del nullo senso_. _Dammato di me_, if
+I have seen such a _spectaculo_ in my way from Viterbo."
+
+One of the gentlemen having learnt from the host the occasion of this
+bustle, and being assured by him that Adams had struck the first blow,
+whispered in his ear, "He'd warrant he would recover."--"Recover!
+master," said the host, smiling: "yes, yes, I am not afraid of dying
+with a blow or two neither; I am not such a chicken as that."--"Pugh!"
+said the gentleman, "I mean you will recover damages in that action
+which, undoubtedly, you intend to bring, as soon as a writ can be
+returned from London; for you look like a man of too much spirit and
+courage to suffer any one to beat you without bringing your action
+against him: he must be a scandalous fellow indeed who would put up with
+a drubbing whilst the law is open to revenge it; besides, he hath drawn
+blood from you, and spoiled your coat; and the jury will give damages
+for that too. An excellent new coat upon my word; and now not worth a
+shilling! I don't care," continued he, "to intermeddle in these cases;
+but you have a right to my evidence; and if I am sworn, I must speak the
+truth. I saw you sprawling on the floor, and blood gushing from your
+nostrils. You may take your own opinion; but was I in your
+circumstances, every drop of my blood should convey an ounce of gold
+into my pocket: remember I don't advise you to go to law; but if your
+jury were Christians, they must give swinging damages. That's
+all."--"Master," cried the host, scratching his head, "I have no stomach
+to law, I thank you. I have seen enough of that in the parish, where two
+of my neighbours have been at law about a house, till they have both
+lawed themselves into a gaol." At which words he turned about, and began
+to inquire again after his hog's puddings; nor would it probably have
+been a sufficient excuse for his wife, that she spilt them in his
+defence, had not some awe of the company, especially of the Italian
+traveller, who was a person of great dignity, withheld his rage.
+
+Whilst one of the above-mentioned gentlemen was employed, as we have
+seen him, on the behalf of the landlord, the other was no less hearty on
+the side of Mr Adams, whom he advised to bring his action immediately.
+He said the assault of the wife was in law the assault of the husband,
+for they were but one person; and he was liable to pay damages, which he
+said must be considerable, where so bloody a disposition appeared. Adams
+answered, If it was true that they were but one person, he had assaulted
+the wife; for he was sorry to own he had struck the husband the first
+blow. "I am sorry you own it too," cries the gentleman; "for it could
+not possibly appear to the court; for here was no evidence present but
+the lame man in the chair, whom I suppose to be your friend, and would
+consequently say nothing but what made for you."--"How, sir," says
+Adams, "do you take me for a villain, who would prosecute revenge in
+cold blood, and use unjustifiable means to obtain it? If you knew me,
+and my order, I should think you affronted both." At the word order, the
+gentleman stared (for he was too bloody to be of any modern order of
+knights); and, turning hastily about, said, "Every man knew his own
+business."
+
+Matters being now composed, the company retired to their several
+apartments; the two gentlemen congratulating each other on the success
+of their good offices in procuring a perfect reconciliation between the
+contending parties; and the traveller went to his repast, crying, "As
+the Italian poet says--
+
+    '_Je voi_ very well _que tutta e pace_,
+    So send up dinner, good Boniface.'"
+
+The coachman began now to grow importunate with his passengers, whose
+entrance into the coach was retarded by Miss Grave-airs insisting,
+against the remonstrance of all the rest, that she would not admit a
+footman into the coach; for poor Joseph was too lame to mount a horse. A
+young lady, who was, as it seems, an earl's grand-daughter, begged it
+with almost tears in her eyes. Mr Adams prayed, and Mrs Slipslop
+scolded; but all to no purpose. She said, "She would not demean herself
+to ride with a footman: that there were waggons on the road: that if the
+master of the coach desired it, she would pay for two places; but would
+suffer no such fellow to come in."--"Madam," says Slipslop, "I am sure
+no one can refuse another coming into a stage-coach."--"I don't know,
+madam," says the lady; "I am not much used to stage-coaches; I seldom
+travel in them."--"That may be, madam," replied Slipslop; "very good
+people do; and some people's betters, for aught I know." Miss Grave-airs
+said, "Some folks might sometimes give their tongues a liberty, to some
+people that were their betters, which did not become them; for her part,
+she was not used to converse with servants." Slipslop returned, "Some
+people kept no servants to converse with; for her part, she thanked
+Heaven she lived in a family where there were a great many, and had more
+under her own command than any paultry little gentlewoman in the
+kingdom." Miss Grave-airs cried, "She believed her mistress would not
+encourage such sauciness to her betters."--"My betters," says Slipslop,
+"who is my betters, pray?"--"I am your betters," answered Miss
+Grave-airs, "and I'll acquaint your mistress."--At which Mrs Slipslop
+laughed aloud, and told her, "Her lady was one of the great gentry; and
+such little paultry gentlewomen as some folks, who travelled in
+stagecoaches, would not easily come at her."
+
+This smart dialogue between some people and some folks was going on at
+the coach door when a solemn person, riding into the inn, and seeing
+Miss Grave-airs, immediately accosted her with "Dear child, how do you?"
+She presently answered, "O papa, I am glad you have overtaken me."--"So
+am I," answered he; "for one of our coaches is just at hand; and, there
+being room for you in it, you shall go no farther in the stage unless
+you desire it."--"How can you imagine I should desire it?" says she; so,
+bidding Slipslop ride with her fellow, if she pleased, she took her
+father by the hand, who was just alighted, and walked with him into
+a room.
+
+Adams instantly asked the coachman, in a whisper, "If he knew who the
+gentleman was?" The coachman answered, "He was now a gentleman, and kept
+his horse and man; but times are altered, master," said be; "I remember
+when he was no better born than myself."--"Ay! ay!" says Adams. "My
+father drove the squire's coach," answered he, "when that very man rode
+postillion; but he is now his steward; and a great gentleman." Adams
+then snapped his fingers, and cried, "He thought she was some
+such trollop."
+
+Adams made haste to acquaint Mrs Slipslop with this good news, as he
+imagined it; but it found a reception different from what he expected.
+The prudent gentlewoman, who despised the anger of Miss Grave-airs
+whilst she conceived her the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune,
+now she heard her alliance with the upper servants of a great family in
+her neighbourhood, began to fear her interest with the mistress. She
+wished she had not carried the dispute so far, and began to think of
+endeavouring to reconcile herself to the young lady before she left the
+inn; when, luckily, the scene at London, which the reader can scarce
+have forgotten, presented itself to her mind, and comforted her with
+such assurance, that she no longer apprehended any enemy with
+her mistress.
+
+Everything being now adjusted, the company entered the coach, which was
+just on its departure, when one lady recollected she had left her fan, a
+second her gloves, a third a snuff-box, and a fourth a smelling-bottle
+behind her; to find all which occasioned some delay and much swearing to
+the coachman.
+
+As soon as the coach had left the inn, the women all together fell to
+the character of Miss Grave-airs; whom one of them declared she had
+suspected to be some low creature, from the beginning of their journey,
+and another affirmed she had not even the looks of a gentlewoman: a
+third warranted she was no better than she should be; and, turning to
+the lady who had related the story in the coach, said, "Did you ever
+hear, madam, anything so prudish as her remarks? Well, deliver me from
+the censoriousness of such a prude." The fourth added, "O madam! all
+these creatures are censorious; but for my part, I wonder where the
+wretch was bred; indeed, I must own I have seldom conversed with these
+mean kind of people, so that it may appear stranger to me; but to refuse
+the general desire of a whole company had something in it so
+astonishing, that, for my part, I own I should hardly believe it if my
+own ears had not been witnesses to it."--"Yes, and so handsome a young
+fellow," cries Slipslop; "the woman must have no compulsion in her: I
+believe she is more of a Turk than a Christian; I am certain, if she had
+any Christian woman's blood in her veins, the sight of such a young
+fellow must have warmed it. Indeed, there are some wretched, miserable
+old objects, that turn one's stomach; I should not wonder if she had
+refused such a one; I am as nice as herself, and should have cared no
+more than herself for the company of stinking old fellows; but, hold up
+thy head, Joseph, thou art none of those; and she who hath not
+compulsion for thee is a Myhummetman, and I will maintain it." This
+conversation made Joseph uneasy as well as the ladies; who, perceiving
+the spirits which Mrs Slipslop was in (for indeed she was not a cup too
+low), began to fear the consequence; one of them therefore desired the
+lady to conclude the story. "Aye, madam," said Slipslop, "I beg your
+ladyship to give us that story you commensated in the morning;" which
+request that well-bred woman immediately complied with.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+_Conclusion of the unfortunate jilt._
+
+
+Leonora, having once broke through the bounds which custom and modesty
+impose on her sex, soon gave an unbridled indulgence to her passion. Her
+visits to Bellarmine were more constant, as well as longer, than his
+surgeon's: in a word, she became absolutely his nurse; made his
+water-gruel, administered him his medicines; and, notwithstanding the
+prudent advice of her aunt to the contrary, almost intirely resided in
+her wounded lover's apartment.
+
+The ladies of the town began to take her conduct under consideration: it
+was the chief topic of discourse at their tea-tables, and was very
+severely censured by the most part; especially by Lindamira, a lady
+whose discreet and starch carriage, together with a constant attendance
+at church three times a day, had utterly defeated many malicious attacks
+on her own reputation; for such was the envy that Lindamira's virtue had
+attracted, that, notwithstanding her own strict behaviour and strict
+enquiry into the lives of others, she had not been able to escape being
+the mark of some arrows herself, which, however, did her no injury; a
+blessing, perhaps, owed by her to the clergy, who were her chief male
+companions, and with two or three of whom she had been barbarously and
+unjustly calumniated.
+
+"Not so unjustly neither, perhaps," says Slipslop; "for the clergy are
+men, as well as other folks."
+
+The extreme delicacy of Lindamira's virtue was cruelly hurt by those
+freedoms which Leonora allowed herself: she said, "It was an affront to
+her sex; that she did not imagine it consistent with any woman's honour
+to speak to the creature, or to be seen in her company; and that, for
+her part, she should always refuse to dance at an assembly with her,
+for fear of contamination by taking her by the hand."
+
+But to return to my story: as soon as Bellarmine was recovered, which
+was somewhat within a month from his receiving the wound, he set out,
+according to agreement, for Leonora's father's, in order to propose the
+match, and settle all matters with him touching settlements, and
+the like.
+
+A little before his arrival the old gentleman had received an intimation
+of the affair by the following letter, which I can repeat verbatim, and
+which, they say, was written neither by Leonora nor her aunt, though it
+was in a woman's hand. The letter was in these words:--
+
+"SIR,--I am sorry to acquaint you that your daughter, Leonora, hath
+acted one of the basest as well as most simple parts with a young
+gentleman to whom she had engaged herself, and whom she hath (pardon the
+word) jilted for another of inferior fortune, notwithstanding his
+superior figure. You may take what measures you please on this occasion;
+I have performed what I thought my duty; as I have, though unknown to
+you, a very great respect for your family."
+
+The old gentleman did not give himself the trouble to answer this kind
+epistle; nor did he take any notice of it, after he had read it, till he
+saw Bellarmine. He was, to say the truth, one of those fathers who look
+on children as an unhappy consequence of their youthful pleasures;
+which, as he would have been delighted not to have had attended them, so
+was he no less pleased with any opportunity to rid himself of the
+incumbrance. He passed, in the world's language, as an exceeding good
+father; being not only so rapacious as to rob and plunder all mankind to
+the utmost of his power, but even to deny himself the conveniencies, and
+almost necessaries, of life; which his neighbours attributed to a desire
+of raising immense fortunes for his children: but in fact it was not
+so; he heaped up money for its own sake only, and looked on his children
+as his rivals, who were to enjoy his beloved mistress when he was
+incapable of possessing her, and which he would have been much more
+charmed with the power of carrying along with him; nor had his children
+any other security of being his heirs than that the law would constitute
+them such without a will, and that he had not affection enough for any
+one living to take the trouble of writing one.
+
+To this gentleman came Bellarmine, on the errand I have mentioned. His
+person, his equipage, his family, and his estate, seemed to the father
+to make him an advantageous match for his daughter: he therefore very
+readily accepted his proposals: but when Bellarmine imagined the
+principal affair concluded, and began to open the incidental matters of
+fortune, the old gentleman presently changed his countenance, saying,
+"He resolved never to marry his daughter on a Smithfield match; that
+whoever had love for her to take her would, when he died, find her share
+of his fortune in his coffers; but he had seen such examples of
+undutifulness happen from the too early generosity of parents, that he
+had made a vow never to part with a shilling whilst he lived." He
+commended the saying of Solomon, "He that spareth the rod spoileth the
+child;" but added, "he might have likewise asserted, That he that
+spareth the purse saveth the child." He then ran into a discourse on the
+extravagance of the youth of the age; whence he launched into a
+dissertation on horses; and came at length to commend those Bellarmine
+drove. That fine gentleman, who at another season would have been well
+enough pleased to dwell a little on that subject, was now very eager to
+resume the circumstance of fortune. He said, "He had a very high value
+for the young lady, and would receive her with less than he would any
+other whatever; but that even his love to her made some regard to
+worldly matters necessary; for it would be a most distracting sight for
+him to see her, when he had the honour to be her husband, in less than a
+coach and six." The old gentleman answered, "Four will do, four will
+do;" and then took a turn from horses to extravagance and from
+extravagance to horses, till he came round to the equipage again;
+whither he was no sooner arrived than Bellarmine brought him back to the
+point; but all to no purpose; he made his escape from that subject in a
+minute; till at last the lover declared, "That in the present situation
+of his affairs it was impossible for him, though he loved Leonora more
+than _tout le monde_, to marry her without any fortune." To which the
+father answered, "He was sorry that his daughter must lose so valuable a
+match; that, if he had an inclination, at present it was not in his
+power to advance a shilling: that he had had great losses, and been at
+great expenses on projects; which, though he had great expectation from
+them, had yet produced him nothing: that he did not know what might
+happen hereafter, as on the birth of a son, or such accident; but he
+would make no promise, or enter into any article, for he would not break
+his vow for all the daughters in the world."
+
+In short, ladies, to keep you no longer in suspense, Bellarmine, having
+tried every argument and persuasion which he could invent, and finding
+them all ineffectual, at length took his leave, but not in order to
+return to Leonora; he proceeded directly to his own seat, whence, after
+a few days' stay, he returned to Paris, to the great delight of the
+French and the honour of the English nation.
+
+But as soon as he arrived at his home he presently despatched a
+messenger with the following epistle to Leonora:--
+
+"ADORABLE AND CHARMANTE,--I am sorry to have the honour to tell you I
+am not the _heureux_ person destined for your divine arms. Your papa
+hath told me so with a _politesse_ not often seen on this side Paris.
+You may perhaps guess his manner of refusing me. _Ah, mon Dieu!_ You
+will certainly believe me, madam, incapable myself of delivering this
+_triste_ message, which I intend to try the French air to cure the
+consequences of. _A jamais! Coeur! Ange! Au diable!_ If your papa
+obliges you to a marriage, I hope we shall see you at Paris; till when,
+the wind that flows from thence will be the warmest _dans le monde_, for
+it will consist almost entirely of my sighs. _Adieu, ma princesse!
+Ah, l'amour!_
+
+"BELLARMINE."
+
+I shall not attempt, ladies, to describe Leonora's condition when she
+received this letter. It is a picture of horror, which I should have as
+little pleasure in drawing as you in beholding. She immediately left the
+place where she was the subject of conversation and ridicule, and
+retired to that house I showed you when I began the story; where she
+hath ever since led a disconsolate life, and deserves, perhaps, pity for
+her misfortunes, more than our censure for a behaviour to which the
+artifices of her aunt very probably contributed, and to which very young
+women are often rendered too liable by that blameable levity in the
+education of our sex.
+
+"If I was inclined to pity her," said a young lady in the coach, "it
+would be for the loss of Horatio; for I cannot discern any misfortune in
+her missing such a husband as Bellarmine."
+
+"Why, I must own," says Slipslop, "the gentleman was a little
+false-hearted; but howsumever, it was hard to have two lovers, and get
+never a husband at all. But pray, madam, what became of _Our-asho_?"
+
+He remains, said the lady, still unmarried, and hath applied himself so
+strictly to his business, that he hath raised, I hear, a very
+considerable fortune. And what is remarkable, they say he never hears
+the name of Leonora without a sigh, nor hath ever uttered one syllable
+to charge her with her ill-conduct towards him.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+_A very short chapter, in which parson Adams went a great way._
+
+
+The lady, having finished her story, received the thanks of the company;
+and now Joseph, putting his head out of the coach, cried out, "Never
+believe me if yonder be not our parson Adams walking along without his
+horse!"--"On my word, and so he is," says Slipslop: "and as sure as
+twopence he hath left him behind at the inn." Indeed, true it is, the
+parson had exhibited a fresh instance of his absence of mind; for he was
+so pleased with having got Joseph into the coach, that he never once
+thought of the beast in the stable; and, finding his legs as nimble as
+he desired, he sallied out, brandishing a crabstick, and had kept on
+before the coach, mending and slackening his pace occasionally, so that
+he had never been much more or less than a quarter of a mile
+distant from it.
+
+Mrs Slipslop desired the coachman to overtake him, which he attempted,
+but in vain; for the faster he drove the faster ran the parson, often
+crying out, "Aye, aye, catch me if you can;" till at length the coachman
+swore he would as soon attempt to drive after a greyhound, and, giving
+the parson two or three hearty curses, he cry'd, "Softly, softly, boys,"
+to his horses, which the civil beasts immediately obeyed.
+
+But we will be more courteous to our reader than he was to Mrs
+Slipslop; and, leaving the coach and its company to pursue their
+journey, we will carry our reader on after parson Adams, who stretched
+forwards without once looking behind him, till, having left the coach
+full three miles in his rear, he came to a place where, by keeping the
+extremest track to the right, it was just barely possible for a human
+creature to miss his way. This track, however, did he keep, as indeed he
+had a wonderful capacity at these kinds of bare possibilities, and,
+travelling in it about three miles over the plain, he arrived at the
+summit of a hill, whence looking a great way backwards, and perceiving
+no coach in sight, he sat himself down on the turf, and, pulling out his
+Aeschylus, determined to wait here for its arrival.
+
+He had not sat long here before a gun going off very near, a little
+startled him; he looked up and saw a gentleman within a hundred paces
+taking up a partridge which he had just shot.
+
+Adams stood up and presented a figure to the gentleman which would have
+moved laughter in many; for his cassock had just again fallen down below
+his greatcoat, that is to say, it reached his knees, whereas the skirts
+of his greatcoat descended no lower than half-way down his thighs; but
+the gentleman's mirth gave way to his surprize at beholding such a
+personage in such a place.
+
+Adams, advancing to the gentleman, told him he hoped he had good sport,
+to which the other answered, "Very little."--"I see, sir," says Adams,
+"you have smote one partridge;" to which the sportsman made no reply,
+but proceeded to charge his piece.
+
+Whilst the gun was charging, Adams remained in silence, which he at last
+broke by observing that it was a delightful evening. The gentleman, who
+had at first sight conceived a very distasteful opinion of the parson,
+began, on perceiving a book in his hand and smoaking likewise the
+information of the cassock, to change his thoughts, and made a small
+advance to conversation on his side by saying, "Sir, I suppose you are
+not one of these parts?"
+
+Adams immediately told him, "No; that he was a traveller, and invited by
+the beauty of the evening and the place to repose a little and amuse
+himself with reading."--"I may as well repose myself too," said the
+sportsman, "for I have been out this whole afternoon, and the devil a
+bird have I seen till I came hither."
+
+"Perhaps then the game is not very plenty hereabouts?" cries Adams. "No,
+sir," said the gentleman: "the soldiers, who are quartered in the
+neighbourhood, have killed it all."--"It is very probable," cries Adams,
+"for shooting is their profession."--"Ay, shooting the game," answered
+the other; "but I don't see they are so forward to shoot our enemies. I
+don't like that affair of Carthagena; if I had been there, I believe I
+should have done other-guess things, d--n me: what's a man's life when
+his country demands it? a man who won't sacrifice his life for his
+country deserves to be hanged, d--n me." Which words he spoke with so
+violent a gesture, so loud a voice, so strong an accent, and so fierce a
+countenance, that he might have frightened a captain of trained bands at
+the head of his company; but Mr Adams was not greatly subject to fear;
+he told him intrepidly that he very much approved his virtue, but
+disliked his swearing, and begged him not to addict himself to so bad a
+custom, without which he said he might fight as bravely as Achilles did.
+Indeed he was charmed with this discourse; he told the gentleman he
+would willingly have gone many miles to have met a man of his generous
+way of thinking; that, if he pleased to sit down, he should be greatly
+delighted to commune with him; for, though he was a clergyman, he would
+himself be ready, if thereto called, to lay down his life for
+his country.
+
+The gentleman sat down, and Adams by him; and then the latter began, as
+in the following chapter, a discourse which we have placed by itself, as
+it is not only the most curious in this but perhaps in any other book.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+_A notable dissertation by Mr Abraham Adams; wherein that gentleman
+appears in a political light._
+
+
+"I do assure you, sir" (says he, taking the gentleman by the hand), "I
+am heartily glad to meet with a man of your kidney; for, though I am a
+poor parson, I will be bold to say I am an honest man, and would not do
+an ill thing to be made a bishop; nay, though it hath not fallen in my
+way to offer so noble a sacrifice, I have not been without opportunities
+of suffering for the sake of my conscience, I thank Heaven for them; for
+I have had relations, though I say it, who made some figure in the
+world; particularly a nephew, who was a shopkeeper and an alderman of a
+corporation. He was a good lad, and was under my care when a boy; and I
+believe would do what I bade him to his dying day. Indeed, it looks like
+extreme vanity in me to affect being a man of such consequence as to
+have so great an interest in an alderman; but others have thought so
+too, as manifestly appeared by the rector, whose curate I formerly was,
+sending for me on the approach of an election, and telling me, if I
+expected to continue in his cure, that I must bring my nephew to vote
+for one Colonel Courtly, a gentleman whom I had never heard tidings of
+till that instant. I told the rector I had no power over my nephew's
+vote (God forgive me for such prevarication!); that I supposed he would
+give it according to his conscience; that I would by no means endeavour
+to influence him to give it otherwise. He told me it was in vain to
+equivocate; that he knew I had already spoke to him in favour of esquire
+Fickle, my neighbour; and, indeed, it was true I had; for it was at a
+season when the church was in danger, and when all good men expected
+they knew not what would happen to us all. I then answered boldly, if he
+thought I had given my promise, he affronted me in proposing any breach
+of it. Not to be too prolix; I persevered, and so did my nephew, in the
+esquire's interest, who was chose chiefly through his means; and so I
+lost my curacy, Well, sir, but do you think the esquire ever mentioned a
+word of the church? _Ne verbum quidem, ut ita dicam_: within two years
+he got a place, and hath ever since lived in London; where I have been
+informed (but God forbid I should believe that,) that he never so much
+as goeth to church. I remained, sir, a considerable time without any
+cure, and lived a full month on one funeral sermon, which I preached on
+the indisposition of a clergyman; but this by the bye. At last, when Mr
+Fickle got his place, Colonel Courtly stood again; and who should make
+interest for him but Mr Fickle himself! that very identical Mr Fickle,
+who had formerly told me the colonel was an enemy to both the church and
+state, had the confidence to sollicit my nephew for him; and the colonel
+himself offered me to make me chaplain to his regiment, which I refused
+in favour of Sir Oliver Hearty, who told us he would sacrifice
+everything to his country; and I believe he would, except his hunting,
+which he stuck so close to, that in five years together he went but
+twice up to parliament; and one of those times, I have been told, never
+was within sight of the House. However, he was a worthy man, and the
+best friend I ever had; for, by his interest with a bishop, he got me
+replaced into my curacy, and gave me eight pounds out of his own pocket
+to buy me a gown and cassock, and furnish my house. He had our interest
+while he lived, which was not many years. On his death I had fresh
+applications made to me; for all the world knew the interest I had with
+my good nephew, who now was a leading man in the corporation; and Sir
+Thomas Booby, buying the estate which had been Sir Oliver's, proposed
+himself a candidate. He was then a young gentleman just come from his
+travels; and it did me good to hear him discourse on affairs which, for
+my part, I knew nothing of. If I had been master of a thousand votes he
+should have had them all. I engaged my nephew in his interest, and he
+was elected; and a very fine parliament-man he was. They tell me he made
+speeches of an hour long, and, I have been told, very fine ones; but he
+could never persuade the parliament to be of his opinion. _Non omnia
+possumus omnes_. He promised me a living, poor man! and I believe I
+should have had it, but an accident happened, which was, that my lady
+had promised it before, unknown to him. This, indeed, I never heard till
+afterwards; for my nephew, who died about a month before the incumbent,
+always told me I might be assured of it. Since that time, Sir Thomas,
+poor man, had always so much business, that he never could find leisure
+to see me. I believe it was partly my lady's fault too, who did not
+think my dress good enough for the gentry at her table. However, I must
+do him the justice to say he never was ungrateful; and I have always
+found his kitchen, and his cellar too, open to me: many a time, after
+service on a Sunday--for I preach at four churches--have I recruited my
+spirits with a glass of his ale. Since my nephew's death, the
+corporation is in other hands; and I am not a man of that consequence I
+was formerly. I have now no longer any talents to lay out in the service
+of my country; and to whom nothing is given, of him can nothing be
+required. However, on all proper seasons, such as the approach of an
+election, I throw a suitable dash or two into my sermons; which I have
+the pleasure to hear is not disagreeable to Sir Thomas and the other
+honest gentlemen my neighbours, who have all promised me these five
+years to procure an ordination for a son of mine, who is now near
+thirty, hath an infinite stock of learning, and is, I thank Heaven, of
+an unexceptionable life; though, as he was never at an university, the
+bishop refuses to ordain him. Too much care cannot indeed be taken in
+admitting any to the sacred office; though I hope he will never act so
+as to be a disgrace to any order, but will serve his God and his country
+to the utmost of his power, as I have endeavoured to do before him; nay,
+and will lay down his life whenever called to that purpose. I am sure I
+have educated him in those principles; so that I have acquitted my duty,
+and shall have nothing to answer for on that account. But I do not
+distrust him, for he is a good boy; and if Providence should throw it in
+his way to be of as much consequence in a public light as his father
+once was, I can answer for him he will use his talents as honestly as I
+have done."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+_In which the gentleman discants on bravery and heroic virtue, till an
+unlucky accident puts an end to the discourse._
+
+
+The gentleman highly commended Mr Adams for his good resolutions, and
+told him, "He hoped his son would tread in his steps;" adding, "that if
+he would not die for his country, he would not be worthy to live in it.
+I'd make no more of shooting a man that would not die for his
+country, than--
+
+"Sir," said he, "I have disinherited a nephew, who is in the army,
+because he would not exchange his commission and go to the West Indies.
+I believe the rascal is a coward, though he pretends to be in love
+forsooth. I would have all such fellows hanged, sir; I would have them
+hanged." Adams answered, "That would be too severe; that men did not
+make themselves; and if fear had too much ascendance in the mind, the
+man was rather to be pitied than abhorred; that reason and time might
+teach him to subdue it." He said, "A man might be a coward at one time,
+and brave at another. Homer," says he, "who so well understood and
+copied Nature, hath taught us this lesson; for Paris fights and Hector
+runs away. Nay, we have a mighty instance of this in the history of
+later ages, no longer ago than the 705th year of Rome, when the great
+Pompey, who had won so many battles and been honoured with so many
+triumphs, and of whose valour several authors, especially Cicero and
+Paterculus, have formed such elogiums; this very Pompey left the battle
+of Pharsalia before he had lost it, and retreated to his tent, where he
+sat like the most pusillanimous rascal in a fit of despair, and yielded
+a victory, which was to determine the empire of the world, to Caesar. I
+am not much travelled in the history of modern times, that is to say,
+these last thousand years; but those who are can, I make no question,
+furnish you with parallel instances." He concluded, therefore, that, had
+he taken any such hasty resolutions against his nephew, he hoped he
+would consider better, and retract them. The gentleman answered with
+great warmth, and talked much of courage and his country, till,
+perceiving it grew late, he asked Adams, "What place he intended for
+that night?" He told him, "He waited there for the stage-coach."--"The
+stage-coach, sir!" said the gentleman; "they are all passed by long ago.
+You may see the last yourself almost three miles before us."--"I protest
+and so they are," cries Adams; "then I must make haste and follow them."
+The gentleman told him, "he would hardly be able to overtake them; and
+that, if he did not know his way, he would be in danger of losing
+himself on the downs, for it would be presently dark; and he might
+ramble about all night, and perhaps find himself farther from his
+journey's end in the morning than he was now." He advised him,
+therefore, "to accompany him to his house, which was very little out of
+his way," assuring him "that he would find some country fellow in his
+parish who would conduct him for sixpence to the city where he was
+going." Adams accepted this proposal, and on they travelled, the
+gentleman renewing his discourse on courage, and the infamy of not being
+ready, at all times, to sacrifice our lives to our country. Night
+overtook them much about the same time as they arrived near some bushes;
+whence, on a sudden, they heard the most violent shrieks imaginable in a
+female voice. Adams offered to snatch the gun out of his companion's
+hand. "What are you doing?" said he. "Doing!" said Adams; "I am
+hastening to the assistance of the poor creature whom some villains are
+murdering." "You are not mad enough, I hope," says the gentleman,
+trembling: "do you consider this gun is only charged with shot, and that
+the robbers are most probably furnished with pistols loaded with
+bullets? This is no business of ours; let us make as much haste as
+possible out of the way, or we may fall into their hands ourselves." The
+shrieks now increasing, Adams made no answer, but snapt his fingers,
+and, brandishing his crabstick, made directly to the place whence the
+voice issued; and the man of courage made as much expedition towards his
+own home, whither he escaped in a very short time without once looking
+behind him; where we will leave him, to contemplate his own bravery, and
+to censure the want of it in others, and return to the good Adams, who,
+on coming up to the place whence the noise proceeded, found a woman
+struggling with a man, who had thrown her on the ground, and had almost
+overpowered her. The great abilities of Mr Adams were not necessary to
+have formed a right judgment of this affair on the first sight. He did
+not, therefore, want the entreaties of the poor wretch to assist her;
+but, lifting up his crabstick, he immediately levelled a blow at that
+part of the ravisher's head where, according to the opinion of the
+ancients, the brains of some persons are deposited, and which he had
+undoubtedly let forth, had not Nature (who, as wise men have observed,
+equips all creatures with what is most expedient for them) taken a
+provident care (as she always doth with those she intends for
+encounters) to make this part of the head three times as thick as those
+of ordinary men who are designed to exercise talents which are vulgarly
+called rational, and for whom, as brains are necessary, she is obliged
+to leave some room for them in the cavity of the skull; whereas, those
+ingredients being entirely useless to persons of the heroic calling, she
+hath an opportunity of thickening the bone, so as to make it less
+subject to any impression, or liable to be cracked or broken: and
+indeed, in some who are predestined to the command of armies and
+empires, she is supposed sometimes to make that part perfectly solid.
+
+As a game cock, when engaged in amorous toying with a hen, if perchance
+he espies another cock at hand, immediately quits his female, and
+opposes himself to his rival, so did the ravisher, on the information of
+the crabstick, immediately leap from the woman and hasten to assail the
+man. He had no weapons but what Nature had furnished him with. However,
+he clenched his fist, and presently darted it at that part of Adams's
+breast where the heart is lodged. Adams staggered at the violence of the
+blow, when, throwing away his staff, he likewise clenched that fist
+which we have before commemorated, and would have discharged it full in
+the breast of his antagonist, had he not dexterously caught it with his
+left hand, at the same time darting his head (which some modern heroes
+of the lower class use, like the battering-ram of the ancients, for a
+weapon of offence; another reason to admire the cunningness of Nature,
+in composing it of those impenetrable materials); dashing his head, I
+say, into the stomach of Adams, he tumbled him on his back; and, not
+having any regard to the laws of heroism, which would have restrained
+him from any farther attack on his enemy till he was again on his legs,
+he threw himself upon him, and, laying hold on the ground with his left
+hand, he with his right belaboured the body of Adams till he was weary,
+and indeed till he concluded (to use the language of fighting) "that he
+had done his business;" or, in the language of poetry, "that he had sent
+him to the shades below;" in plain English, "that he was dead."
+
+But Adams, who was no chicken, and could bear a drubbing as well as any
+boxing champion in the universe, lay still only to watch his
+opportunity; and now, perceiving his antagonist to pant with his
+labours, he exerted his utmost force at once, and with such success that
+he overturned him, and became his superior; when, fixing one of his
+knees in his breast, he cried out in an exulting voice, "It is my turn
+now;" and, after a few minutes' constant application, he gave him so
+dexterous a blow just under his chin that the fellow no longer retained
+any motion, and Adams began to fear he had struck him once too often;
+for he often asserted "he should be concerned to have the blood of even
+the wicked upon him."
+
+Adams got up and called aloud to the young woman. "Be of good cheer,
+damsel," said he, "you are no longer in danger of your ravisher, who, I
+am terribly afraid, lies dead at my feet; but God forgive me what I have
+done in defence of innocence!" The poor wretch, who had been some time
+in recovering strength enough to rise, and had afterwards, during the
+engagement, stood trembling, being disabled by fear even from running
+away, hearing her champion was victorious, came up to him, but not
+without apprehensions even of her deliverer; which, however, she was
+soon relieved from by his courteous behaviour and gentle words. They
+were both standing by the body, which lay motionless on the ground, and
+which Adams wished to see stir much more than the woman did, when he
+earnestly begged her to tell him "by what misfortune she came, at such a
+time of night, into so lonely a place." She acquainted him, "She was
+travelling towards London, and had accidentally met with the person from
+whom he had delivered her, who told her he was likewise on his journey
+to the same place, and would keep her company; an offer which,
+suspecting no harm, she had accepted; that he told her they were at a
+small distance from an inn where she might take up her lodging that
+evening, and he would show her a nearer way to it than by following the
+road; that if she had suspected him (which she did not, he spoke so
+kindly to her), being alone on these downs in the dark, she had no human
+means to avoid him; that, therefore, she put her whole trust in
+Providence, and walked on, expecting every moment to arrive at the inn;
+when on a sudden, being come to those bushes, he desired her to stop,
+and after some rude kisses, which she resisted, and some entreaties,
+which she rejected, he laid violent hands on her, and was attempting to
+execute his wicked will, when, she thanked G--, he timely came up and
+prevented him." Adams encouraged her for saying she had put her whole
+trust in Providence, and told her, "He doubted not but Providence had
+sent him to her deliverance, as a reward for that trust. He wished
+indeed he had not deprived the wicked wretch of life, but G--'s will be
+done;" said, "He hoped the goodness of his intention would excuse him in
+the next world, and he trusted in her evidence to acquit him in this."
+He was then silent, and began to consider with himself whether it would
+be properer to make his escape, or to deliver himself into the hands of
+justice; which meditation ended as the reader will see in the
+next chapter.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+_Giving an account of the strange catastrophe of the preceding
+adventure, which drew poor Adams into fresh calamities; and who the
+woman was who owed the preservation of her chastity to his
+victorious arm._
+
+
+The silence of Adams, added to the darkness of the night and loneliness
+of the place, struck dreadful apprehension into the poor woman's mind;
+she began to fear as great an enemy in her deliverer as he had
+delivered her from; and as she had not light enough to discover the age
+of Adams, and the benevolence visible in his countenance, she suspected
+he had used her as some very honest men have used their country; and had
+rescued her out of the hands of one rifler in order to rifle her
+himself. Such were the suspicions she drew from his silence; but indeed
+they were ill-grounded. He stood over his vanquished enemy, wisely
+weighing in his mind the objections which might be made to either of the
+two methods of proceeding mentioned in the last chapter, his judgment
+sometimes inclining to the one, and sometimes to the other; for both
+seemed to him so equally advisable and so equally dangerous, that
+probably he would have ended his days, at least two or three of them, on
+that very spot, before he had taken any resolution; at length he lifted
+up his eyes, and spied a light at a distance, to which he instantly
+addressed himself with _Heus tu, traveller, heus tu!_ He presently heard
+several voices, and perceived the light approaching toward him. The
+persons who attended the light began some to laugh, others to sing, and
+others to hollow, at which the woman testified some fear (for she had
+concealed her suspicions of the parson himself); but Adams said, "Be of
+good cheer, damsel, and repose thy trust in the same Providence which
+hath hitherto protected thee, and never will forsake the innocent."
+These people, who now approached, were no other, reader, than a set of
+young fellows, who came to these bushes in pursuit of a diversion which
+they call bird-batting. This, if you are ignorant of it (as perhaps if
+thou hast never travelled beyond Kensington, Islington, Hackney, or the
+Borough, thou mayst be), I will inform thee, is performed by holding a
+large clap-net before a lanthorn, and at the same time beating the
+bushes; for the birds, when they are disturbed from their places of
+rest, or roost, immediately make to the light, and so are inticed
+within the net. Adams immediately told them what happened, and desired
+them to hold the lanthorn to the face of the man on the ground, for he
+feared he had smote him fatally. But indeed his fears were frivolous;
+for the fellow, though he had been stunned by the last blow he received,
+had long since recovered his senses, and, finding himself quit of Adams,
+had listened attentively to the discourse between him and the young
+woman; for whose departure he had patiently waited, that he might
+likewise withdraw himself, having no longer hopes of succeeding in his
+desires, which were moreover almost as well cooled by Mr Adams as they
+could have been by the young woman herself had he obtained his utmost
+wish. This fellow, who had a readiness at improving any accident,
+thought he might now play a better part than that of a dead man; and,
+accordingly, the moment the candle was held to his face he leapt up,
+and, laying hold on Adams, cried out, "No, villain, I am not dead,
+though you and your wicked whore might well think me so, after the
+barbarous cruelties you have exercised on me. Gentlemen," said he, "you
+are luckily come to the assistance of a poor traveller, who would
+otherwise have been robbed and murdered by this vile man and woman, who
+led me hither out of my way from the high-road, and both falling on me
+have used me as you see." Adams was going to answer, when one of the
+young fellows cried, "D--n them, let's carry them both before the
+justice." The poor woman began to tremble, and Adams lifted up his
+voice, but in vain. Three or four of them laid hands on him; and one
+holding the lanthorn to his face, they all agreed he had the most
+villainous countenance they ever beheld; and an attorney's clerk, who
+was of the company, declared he was sure he had remembered him at the
+bar. As to the woman, her hair was dishevelled in the struggle, and her
+nose had bled; so that they could not perceive whether she was handsome
+or ugly, but they said her fright plainly discovered her guilt. And
+searching her pockets, as they did those of Adams, for money, which the
+fellow said he had lost, they found in her pocket a purse with some gold
+in it, which abundantly convinced them, especially as the fellow offered
+to swear to it. Mr Adams was found to have no more than one halfpenny
+about him. This the clerk said "was a great presumption that he was an
+old offender, by cunningly giving all the booty to the woman." To which
+all the rest readily assented.
+
+This accident promising them better sport than what they had proposed,
+they quitted their intention of catching birds, and unanimously resolved
+to proceed to the justice with the offenders. Being informed what a
+desperate fellow Adams was, they tied his hands behind him; and, having
+hid their nets among the bushes, and the lanthorn being carried before
+them, they placed the two prisoners in their front, and then began their
+march; Adams not only submitting patiently to his own fate, but
+comforting and encouraging his companion under her sufferings.
+
+Whilst they were on their way the clerk informed the rest that this
+adventure would prove a very beneficial one; for that they would all be
+entitled to their proportions of £80 for apprehending the robbers. This
+occasioned a contention concerning the parts which they had severally
+borne in taking them; one insisting he ought to have the greatest share,
+for he had first laid his hands on Adams; another claiming a superior
+part for having first held the lanthorn to the man's face on the ground,
+by which, he said, "the whole was discovered." The clerk claimed
+four-fifths of the reward for having proposed to search the prisoners,
+and likewise the carrying them before the justice: he said, "Indeed, in
+strict justice, he ought to have the whole." These claims, however,
+they at last consented to refer to a future decision, but seemed all to
+agree that the clerk was entitled to a moiety. They then debated what
+money should be allotted to the young fellow who had been employed only
+in holding the nets. He very modestly said, "That he did not apprehend
+any large proportion would fall to his share, but hoped they would allow
+him something; he desired them to consider that they had assigned their
+nets to his care, which prevented him from being as forward as any in
+laying hold of the robbers" (for so those innocent people were called);
+"that if he had not occupied the nets, some other must;" concluding,
+however, "that he should be contented with the smallest share
+imaginable, and should think that rather their bounty than his merit."
+But they were all unanimous in excluding him from any part whatever, the
+clerk particularly swearing, "If they gave him a shilling they might do
+what they pleased with the rest; for he would not concern himself with
+the affair." This contention was so hot, and so totally engaged the
+attention of all the parties, that a dexterous nimble thief, had he been
+in Mr Adams's situation, would have taken care to have given the justice
+no trouble that evening. Indeed, it required not the art of a Sheppard
+to escape, especially as the darkness of the night would have so much
+befriended him; but Adams trusted rather to his innocence than his
+heels, and, without thinking of flight, which was easy, or resistance
+(which was impossible, as there were six lusty young fellows, besides
+the villain himself, present), he walked with perfect resignation the
+way they thought proper to conduct him.
+
+Adams frequently vented himself in ejaculations during their journey; at
+last, poor Joseph Andrews occurring to his mind, he could not refrain
+sighing forth his name, which being heard by his companion in
+affliction, she cried with some vehemence, "Sure I should know that
+voice; you cannot certainly, sir, be Mr Abraham Adams?"--"Indeed,
+damsel," says he, "that is my name; there is something also in your
+voice which persuades me I have heard it before."--"La! sir," says she,
+"don't you remember poor Fanny?"--"How, Fanny!" answered Adams: "indeed
+I very well remember you; what can have brought you hither?"--"I have
+told you, sir," replied she, "I was travelling towards London; but I
+thought you mentioned Joseph Andrews; pray what is become of him?"--"I
+left him, child, this afternoon," said Adams, "in the stage-coach, in
+his way towards our parish, whither he is going to see you."--"To see
+me! La, sir," answered Fanny, "sure you jeer me; what should he be going
+to see me for?"--"Can you ask that?" replied Adams. "I hope, Fanny, you
+are not inconstant; I assure you he deserves much better of you."--"La!
+Mr Adams," said she, "what is Mr Joseph to me? I am sure I never had
+anything to say to him, but as one fellow-servant might to another."--"I
+am sorry to hear this," said Adams; "a virtuous passion for a young man
+is what no woman need be ashamed of. You either do not tell me truth, or
+you are false to a very worthy man." Adams then told her what had
+happened at the inn, to which she listened very attentively; and a sigh
+often escaped from her, notwithstanding her utmost endeavours to the
+contrary; nor could she prevent herself from asking a thousand
+questions, which would have assured any one but Adams, who never saw
+farther into people than they desired to let him, of the truth of a
+passion she endeavoured to conceal. Indeed, the fact was, that this poor
+girl, having heard of Joseph's misfortune, by some of the servants
+belonging to the coach which we have formerly mentioned to have stopt at
+the inn while the poor youth was confined to his bed, that instant
+abandoned the cow she was milking, and, taking with her a little bundle
+of clothes under her arm, and all the money she was worth in her own
+purse, without consulting any one, immediately set forward in pursuit of
+one whom, notwithstanding her shyness to the parson, she loved with
+inexpressible violence, though with the purest and most delicate
+passion. This shyness, therefore, as we trust it will recommend her
+character to all our female readers, and not greatly surprize such of
+our males as are well acquainted with the younger part of the other sex,
+we shall not give ourselves any trouble to vindicate.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+_What happened to them while before the justice. A chapter very full of
+learning._
+
+
+Their fellow-travellers were so engaged in the hot dispute concerning
+the division of the reward for apprehending these innocent people, that
+they attended very little to their discourse. They were now arrived at
+the justice's house, and had sent one of his servants in to acquaint his
+worship that they had taken two robbers and brought them before him. The
+justice, who was just returned from a fox-chase, and had not yet
+finished his dinner, ordered them to carry the prisoners into the
+stable, whither they were attended by all the servants in the house, and
+all the people in the neighbourhood, who flocked together to see them
+with as much curiosity as if there was something uncommon to be seen, or
+that a rogue did not look like other people.
+
+The justice, now being in the height of his mirth and his cups,
+bethought himself of the prisoners; and, telling his company he believed
+they should have good sport in their examination, he ordered them into
+his presence. They had no sooner entered the room than he began to
+revile them, saying, "That robberies on the highway were now grown so
+frequent, that people could not sleep safely in their beds, and assured
+them they both should be made examples of at the ensuing assizes." After
+he had gone on some time in this manner, he was reminded by his clerk,
+"That it would be proper to take the depositions of the witnesses
+against them." Which he bid him do, and he would light his pipe in the
+meantime. Whilst the clerk was employed in writing down the deposition
+of the fellow who had pretended to be robbed, the justice employed
+himself in cracking jests on poor Fanny, in which he was seconded by all
+the company at table. One asked, "Whether she was to be indicted for a
+highwayman?" Another whispered in her ear, "If she had not provided
+herself a great belly, he was at her service." A third said, "He
+warranted she was a relation of Turpin." To which one of the company, a
+great wit, shaking his head, and then his sides, answered, "He believed
+she was nearer related to Turpis;" at which there was an universal
+laugh. They were proceeding thus with the poor girl, when somebody,
+smoking the cassock peeping forth from under the greatcoat of Adams,
+cried out, "What have we here, a parson?" "How, sirrah," says the
+justice, "do you go robbing in the dress of a clergyman? let me tell you
+your habit will not entitle you to the benefit of the clergy." "Yes,"
+said the witty fellow, "he will have one benefit of clergy, he will be
+exalted above the heads of the people;" at which there was a second
+laugh. And now the witty spark, seeing his jokes take, began to rise in
+spirits; and, turning to Adams, challenged him to cap verses, and,
+provoking him by giving the first blow, he repeated--
+
+    _"Molle meum levibus cord est vilebile telis."_
+
+Upon which Adams, with a look full of ineffable contempt, told him, "He
+deserved scourging for his pronunciation." The witty fellow answered,
+"What do you deserve, doctor, for not being able to answer the first
+time? Why, I'll give one, you blockhead, with an S.
+
+    _"'Si licet, ut fulvum spectatur in ignibus haurum.'_
+
+"What, canst not with an M neither? Thou art a pretty fellow for a
+parson! Why didst not steal some of the parson's Latin as well as his
+gown?" Another at the table then answered, "If he had, you would have
+been too hard for him; I remember you at the college a very devil at
+this sport; I have seen you catch a freshman, for nobody that knew you
+would engage with you." "I have forgot those things now," cried the wit.
+"I believe I could have done pretty well formerly. Let's see, what did I
+end with?--an M again--aye--
+
+    _"'Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, virorum.'_
+
+I could have done it once." "Ah! evil betide you, and so you can now,"
+said the other: "nobody in this country will undertake you." Adams could
+hold no longer: "Friend," said he, "I have a boy not above eight years
+old who would instruct thee that the last verse runs thus:--
+
+    _"'Ut sunt Divorum, Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, virorum.'"_
+
+"I'll hold thee a guinea of that," said the wit, throwing the money on
+the table. "And I'll go your halves," cries the other. "Done," answered
+Adams; but upon applying to his pocket he was forced to retract, and own
+he had no money about him; which set them all a-laughing, and confirmed
+the triumph of his adversary, which was not moderate, any more than the
+approbation he met with from the whole company, who told Adams he must
+go a little longer to school before he attempted to attack that
+gentleman in Latin.
+
+The clerk, having finished the depositions, as well of the fellow
+himself, as of those who apprehended the prisoners, delivered them to
+the justice; who, having sworn the several witnesses without reading a
+syllable, ordered his clerk to make the mittimus.
+
+Adams then said, "He hoped he should not be condemned unheard." "No,
+no," cries the justice, "you will be asked what you have to say for
+yourself when you come on your trial: we are not trying you now; I shall
+only commit you to gaol: if you can prove your innocence at size, you
+will be found ignoramus, and so no harm done." "Is it no punishment,
+sir, for an innocent man to lie several months in gaol?" cries Adams: "I
+beg you would at least hear me before you sign the mittimus." "What
+signifies all you can say?" says the justice: "is it not here in black
+and white against you? I must tell you you are a very impertinent fellow
+to take up so much of my time. So make haste with his mittimus."
+
+The clerk now acquainted the justice that among other suspicious things,
+as a penknife, &c., found in Adams's pocket, they had discovered a book
+written, as he apprehended, in cyphers; for no one could read a word in
+it. "Ay," says the justice, "the fellow may be more than a common
+robber, he may be in a plot against the Government. Produce the book."
+Upon which the poor manuscript of Aeschylus, which Adams had transcribed
+with his own hand, was brought forth; and the justice, looking at it,
+shook his head, and, turning to the prisoner, asked the meaning of those
+cyphers. "Cyphers?" answered Adams, "it is a manuscript of Aeschylus."
+"Who? who?" said the justice. Adams repeated, "Aeschylus." "That is an
+outlandish name," cried the clerk. "A fictitious name rather, I
+believe," said the justice. One of the company declared it looked very
+much like Greek. "Greek?" said the justice; "why, 'tis all writing."
+"No," says the other, "I don't positively say it is so; for it is a very
+long time since I have seen any Greek." "There's one," says he, turning
+to the parson of the parish, who was present, "will tell us
+immediately." The parson, taking up the book, and putting on his
+spectacles and gravity together, muttered some words to himself, and
+then pronounced aloud--"Ay, indeed, it is a Greek manuscript; a very
+fine piece of antiquity. I make no doubt but it was stolen from the same
+clergyman from whom the rogue took the cassock." "What did the rascal
+mean by his Aeschylus?" says the justice. "Pooh!" answered the doctor,
+with a contemptuous grin, "do you think that fellow knows anything of
+this book? Aeschylus! ho! ho! I see now what it is--a manuscript of one
+of the fathers. I know a nobleman who would give a great deal of money
+for such a piece of antiquity. Ay, ay, question and answer. The
+beginning is the catechism in Greek. Ay, ay, _Pollaki toi_: What's your
+name?"--"Ay, what's your name?" says the justice to Adams; who answered,
+"It is Aeschylus, and I will maintain it."--"Oh! it is," says the
+justice: "make Mr Aeschylus his mittimus. I will teach you to banter me
+with a false name."
+
+One of the company, having looked steadfastly at Adams, asked him, "If
+he did not know Lady Booby?" Upon which Adams, presently calling him to
+mind, answered in a rapture, "O squire! are you there? I believe you
+will inform his worship I am innocent."--"I can indeed say," replied the
+squire, "that I am very much surprized to see you in this situation:"
+and then, addressing himself to the justice, he said, "Sir, I assure
+you Mr Adams is a clergyman, as he appears, and a gentleman of a very
+good character. I wish you would enquire a little farther into this
+affair; for I am convinced of his innocence."--"Nay," says the justice,
+"if he is a gentleman, and you are sure he is innocent, I don't desire
+to commit him, not I: I will commit the woman by herself, and take your
+bail for the gentleman: look into the book, clerk, and see how it is to
+take bail--come--and make the mittimus for the woman as fast as you
+can."--"Sir," cries Adams, "I assure you she is as innocent as
+myself."--"Perhaps," said the squire, "there may be some mistake! pray
+let us hear Mr Adams's relation."--"With all my heart," answered the
+justice; "and give the gentleman a glass to wet his whistle before he
+begins. I know how to behave myself to gentlemen as well as another.
+Nobody can say I have committed a gentleman since I have been in the
+commission." Adams then began the narrative, in which, though he was
+very prolix, he was uninterrupted, unless by several hums and hahs of
+the justice, and his desire to repeat those parts which seemed to him
+most material. When he had finished, the justice, who, on what the
+squire had said, believed every syllable of his story on his bare
+affirmation, notwithstanding the depositions on oath to the contrary,
+began to let loose several rogues and rascals against the witness, whom
+he ordered to stand forth, but in vain; the said witness, long since
+finding what turn matters were likely to take, had privily withdrawn,
+without attending the issue. The justice now flew into a violent
+passion, and was hardly prevailed with not to commit the innocent
+fellows who had been imposed on as well as himself. He swore, "They had
+best find out the fellow who was guilty of perjury, and bring him before
+him within two days, or he would bind them all over to their good
+behaviour." They all promised to use their best endeavours to that
+purpose, and were dismissed. Then the justice insisted that Mr Adams
+should sit down and take a glass with him; and the parson of the parish
+delivered him back the manuscript without saying a word; nor would
+Adams, who plainly discerned his ignorance, expose it. As for Fanny, she
+was, at her own request, recommended to the care of a maid-servant of
+the house, who helped her to new dress and clean herself.
+
+The company in the parlour had not been long seated before they were
+alarmed with a horrible uproar from without, where the persons who had
+apprehended Adams and Fanny had been regaling, according to the custom
+of the house, with the justice's strong beer. These were all fallen
+together by the ears, and were cuffing each other without any mercy. The
+justice himself sallied out, and with the dignity of his presence soon
+put an end to the fray. On his return into the parlour, he reported,
+"That the occasion of the quarrel was no other than a dispute to whom,
+if Adams had been convicted, the greater share of the reward for
+apprehending him had belonged." All the company laughed at this, except
+Adams, who, taking his pipe from his mouth, fetched a deep groan, and
+said, "He was concerned to see so litigious a temper in men. That he
+remembered a story something like it in one of the parishes where his
+cure lay:--There was," continued he, "a competition between three young
+fellows for the place of the clerk, which I disposed of, to the best of
+my abilities, according to merit; that is, I gave it to him who had the
+happiest knack at setting a psalm. The clerk was no sooner established
+in his place than a contention began between the two disappointed
+candidates concerning their excellence; each contending on whom, had
+they two been the only competitors, my election would have fallen. This
+dispute frequently disturbed the congregation, and introduced a discord
+into the psalmody, till I was forced to silence them both. But, alas!
+the litigious spirit could not be stifled; and, being no longer able to
+vent itself in singing, it now broke forth in fighting. It produced many
+battles (for they were very near a match), and I believe would have
+ended fatally, had not the death of the clerk given me an opportunity to
+promote one of them to his place; which presently put an end to the
+dispute, and entirely reconciled the contending parties." Adams then
+proceeded to make some philosophical observations on the folly of
+growing warm in disputes in which neither party is interested. He then
+applied himself vigorously to smoaking; and a long silence ensued, which
+was at length broke by the justice, who began to sing forth his own
+praises, and to value himself exceedingly on his nice discernment in the
+cause which had lately been before him. He was quickly interrupted by Mr
+Adams, between whom and his worship a dispute now arose, whether he
+ought not, in strictness of law, to have committed him, the said Adams;
+in which the latter maintained he ought to have been committed, and the
+justice as vehemently held he ought not. This had most probably produced
+a quarrel (for both were very violent and positive in their opinions),
+had not Fanny accidentally heard that a young fellow was going from the
+justice's house to the very inn where the stage-coach in which Joseph
+was, put up. Upon this news, she immediately sent for the parson out of
+the parlour. Adams, when he found her resolute to go (though she would
+not own the reason, but pretended she could not bear to see the faces of
+those who had suspected her of such a crime), was as fully determined to
+go with her; he accordingly took leave of the justice and company: and
+so ended a dispute in which the law seemed shamefully to intend to set a
+magistrate and a divine together by the ears.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+_A very delightful adventure, as well to the persons concerned as to the
+good-natured reader._
+
+
+Adams, Fanny, and the guide, set out together about one in the morning,
+the moon being then just risen. They had not gone above a mile before a
+most violent storm of rain obliged them to take shelter in an inn, or
+rather alehouse, where Adams immediately procured himself a good fire, a
+toast and ale, and a pipe, and began to smoke with great content,
+utterly forgetting everything that had happened.
+
+Fanny sat likewise down by the fire; but was much more impatient at the
+storm. She presently engaged the eyes of the host, his wife, the maid of
+the house, and the young fellow who was their guide; they all conceived
+they had never seen anything half so handsome; and indeed, reader, if
+thou art of an amorous hue, I advise thee to skip over the next
+paragraph; which, to render our history perfect, we are obliged to set
+down, humbly hoping that we may escape the fate of Pygmalion; for if it
+should happen to us, or to thee, to be struck with this picture, we
+should be perhaps in as helpless a condition as Narcissus, and might say
+to ourselves, _Quod petis est nusquam_. Or, if the finest features in it
+should set Lady ----'s image before our eyes, we should be still in as
+bad a situation, and might say to our desires, _Coelum ipsum petimus
+stultitia_.
+
+Fanny was now in the nineteenth year of her age; she was tall and
+delicately shaped; but not one of those slender young women who seem
+rather intended to hang up in the hall of an anatomist than for any
+other purpose. On the contrary, she was so plump that she seemed
+bursting through her tight stays, especially in the part which confined
+her swelling breasts. Nor did her hips want the assistance of a hoop to
+extend them. The exact shape of her arms denoted the form of those limbs
+which she concealed; and though they were a little reddened by her
+labour, yet, if her sleeve slipped above her elbow, or her handkerchief
+discovered any part of her neck, a whiteness appeared which the finest
+Italian paint would be unable to reach. Her hair was of a chesnut brown,
+and nature had been extremely lavish to her of it, which she had cut,
+and on Sundays used to curl down her neck, in the modern fashion. Her
+forehead was high, her eyebrows arched, and rather full than otherwise.
+Her eyes black and sparkling; her nose just inclining to the Roman; her
+lips red and moist, and her underlip, according to the opinion of the
+ladies, too pouting. Her teeth were white, but not exactly even. The
+small-pox had left one only mark on her chin, which was so large, it
+might have been mistaken for a dimple, had not her left cheek produced
+one so near a neighbour to it, that the former served only for a foil to
+the latter. Her complexion was fair, a little injured by the sun, but
+overspread with such a bloom that the finest ladies would have exchanged
+all their white for it: add to these a countenance in which, though she
+was extremely bashful, a sensibility appeared almost incredible; and a
+sweetness, whenever she smiled, beyond either imitation or description.
+To conclude all, she had a natural gentility, superior to the
+acquisition of art, and which surprized all who beheld her.
+
+This lovely creature was sitting by the fire with Adams, when her
+attention was suddenly engaged by a voice from an inner room, which sung
+the following song:--
+
+    THE SONG.
+
+    Say, Chloe, where must the swain stray
+      Who is by thy beauties undone?
+    To wash their remembrance away,
+      To what distant Lethe must run?
+    The wretch who is sentenced to die
+      May escape, and leave justice behind;
+    From his country perhaps he may fly,
+      But oh! can he fly from his mind?
+
+    O rapture! unthought of before,
+      To be thus of Chloe possess'd;
+    Nor she, nor no tyrant's hard power,
+      Her image can tear from my breast.
+    But felt not Narcissus more joy,
+      With his eyes he beheld his loved charms?
+    Yet what he beheld the fond boy
+      More eagerly wish'd in his arms.
+
+    How can it thy dear image be
+      Which fills thus my bosom with woe?
+    Can aught bear resemblance to thee
+      Which grief and not joy can bestow?
+    This counterfeit snatch from my heart,
+      Ye pow'rs, tho' with torment I rave,
+    Tho' mortal will prove the fell smart:
+      I then shall find rest in my grave.
+
+    Ah, see the dear nymph o'er the plain
+      Come smiling and tripping along!
+    A thousand Loves dance in her train,
+      The Graces around her all throng.
+    To meet her soft Zephyrus flies,
+      And wafts all the sweets from the flowers,
+    Ah, rogue I whilst he kisses her eyes,
+      More sweets from her breath he devours.
+
+    My soul, whilst I gaze, is on fire:
+      But her looks were so tender and kind,
+    My hope almost reach'd my desire,
+      And left lame despair far behind.
+    Transported with madness, I flew,
+      And eagerly seized on my bliss;
+    Her bosom but half she withdrew,
+      But half she refused my fond kiss.
+
+    Advances like these made me bold;
+      I whisper'd her--Love, we're alone.--
+    The rest let immortals unfold;
+      No language can tell but their own.
+    Ah, Chloe, expiring, I cried,
+      How long I thy cruelty bore!
+    Ah, Strephon, she blushing replied,
+      You ne'er was so pressing before.
+
+Adams had been ruminating all this time on a passage in Aeschylus,
+without attending in the least to the voice, though one of the most
+melodious that ever was heard, when, casting his eyes on Fanny, he cried
+out, "Bless us, you look extremely pale!"--"Pale! Mr Adams," says she;
+"O Jesus!" and fell backwards in her chair. Adams jumped up, flung his
+Aeschylus into the fire, and fell a-roaring to the people of the house
+for help. He soon summoned every one into the room, and the songster
+among the rest; but, O reader! when this nightingale, who was no other
+than Joseph Andrews himself, saw his beloved Fanny in the situation we
+have described her, canst thou conceive the agitations of his mind? If
+thou canst not, waive that meditation to behold his happiness, when,
+clasping her in his arms, he found life and blood returning into her
+cheeks: when he saw her open her beloved eyes, and heard her with the
+softest accent whisper, "Are you Joseph Andrews?"--"Art thou my Fanny?"
+he answered eagerly: and, pulling her to his heart, he imprinted
+numberless kisses on her lips, without considering who were present.
+
+If prudes are offended at the lusciousness of this picture, they may
+take their eyes off from it, and survey parson Adams dancing about the
+room in a rapture of joy. Some philosophers may perhaps doubt whether he
+was not the happiest of the three: for the goodness of his heart enjoyed
+the blessings which were exulting in the breasts of both the other two,
+together with his own. But we shall leave such disquisitions, as too
+deep for us, to those who are building some favourite hypothesis, which
+they will refuse no metaphysical rubbish to erect and support: for our
+part, we give it clearly on the side of Joseph, whose happiness was not
+only greater than the parson's, but of longer duration: for as soon as
+the first tumults of Adams's rapture were over he cast his eyes towards
+the fire, where Aeschylus lay expiring; and immediately rescued the
+poor remains, to wit, the sheepskin covering, of his dear friend, which
+was the work of his own hands, and had been his inseparable companion
+for upwards of thirty years.
+
+Fanny had no sooner perfectly recovered herself than she began to
+restrain the impetuosity of her transports; and, reflecting on what she
+had done and suffered in the presence of so many, she was immediately
+covered with confusion; and, pushing Joseph gently from her, she begged
+him to be quiet, nor would admit of either kiss or embrace any longer.
+Then, seeing Mrs Slipslop, she curtsied, and offered to advance to her;
+but that high woman would not return her curtsies; but, casting her eyes
+another way, immediately withdrew into another room, muttering, as she
+went, she wondered who the creature was.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+_A dissertation concerning high people and low people, with Mrs
+Slipslop's departure in no very good temper of mind, and the evil plight
+in which she left Adams and his company._
+
+
+It will doubtless seem extremely odd to many readers, that Mrs Slipslop,
+who had lived several years in the same house with Fanny, should, in a
+short separation, utterly forget her. And indeed the truth is, that she
+remembered her very well. As we would not willingly, therefore, that
+anything should appear unnatural in this our history, we will endeavour
+to explain the reasons of her conduct; nor do we doubt being able to
+satisfy the most curious reader that Mrs Slipslop did not in the least
+deviate from the common road in this behaviour; and, indeed, had she
+done otherwise, she must have descended below herself, and would have
+very justly been liable to censure.
+
+Be it known then, that the human species are divided into two sorts of
+people, to wit, high people and low people. As by high people I would
+not be understood to mean persons literally born higher in their
+dimensions than the rest of the species, nor metaphorically those of
+exalted characters or abilities; so by low people I cannot be construed
+to intend the reverse. High people signify no other than people of
+fashion, and low people those of no fashion. Now, this word fashion hath
+by long use lost its original meaning, from which at present it gives us
+a very different idea; for I am deceived if by persons of fashion we do
+not generally include a conception of birth and accomplishments superior
+to the herd of mankind; whereas, in reality, nothing more was originally
+meant by a person of fashion than a person who drest himself in the
+fashion of the times; and the word really and truly signifies no more at
+this day. Now, the world being thus divided into people of fashion and
+people of no fashion, a fierce contention arose between them; nor would
+those of one party, to avoid suspicion, be seen publicly to speak to
+those of the other, though they often held a very good correspondence in
+private. In this contention it is difficult to say which party
+succeeded; for, whilst the people of fashion seized several places to
+their own use, such as courts, assemblies, operas, balls, &c., the
+people of no fashion, besides one royal place, called his Majesty's
+Bear-garden, have been in constant possession of all hops, fairs,
+revels, &c. Two places have been agreed to be divided between them,
+namely, the church and the playhouse, where they segregate themselves
+from each other in a remarkable manner; for, as the people of fashion
+exalt themselves at church over the heads of the people of no fashion,
+so in the playhouse they abase themselves in the same degree under
+their feet. This distinction I have never met with any one able to
+account for: it is sufficient that, so far from looking on each other as
+brethren in the Christian language, they seem scarce to regard each
+other as of the same species. This, the terms "strange persons, people
+one does not know, the creature, wretches, beasts, brutes," and many
+other appellations evidently demonstrate; which Mrs Slipslop, having
+often heard her mistress use, thought she had also a right to use in her
+turn; and perhaps she was not mistaken; for these two parties,
+especially those bordering nearly on each other, to wit, the lowest of
+the high, and the highest of the low, often change their parties
+according to place and time; for those who are people of fashion in one
+place are often people of no fashion in another. And with regard to
+time, it may not be unpleasant to survey the picture of dependance like
+a kind of ladder; as, for instance; early in the morning arises the
+postillion, or some other boy, which great families, no more than great
+ships, are without, and falls to brushing the clothes and cleaning the
+shoes of John the footman; who, being drest himself, applies his hands
+to the same labours for Mr Second-hand, the squire's gentleman; the
+gentleman in the like manner, a little later in the day, attends the
+squire; the squire is no sooner equipped than he attends the levee of my
+lord; which is no sooner over than my lord himself is seen at the levee
+of the favourite, who, after the hour of homage is at an end, appears
+himself to pay homage to the levee of his sovereign. Nor is there,
+perhaps, in this whole ladder of dependance, any one step at a greater
+distance from the other than the first from the second; so that to a
+philosopher the question might only seem, whether you would chuse to be
+a great man at six in the morning, or at two in the afternoon. And yet
+there are scarce two of these who do not think the least familiarity
+with the persons below them a condescension, and, if they were to go one
+step farther, a degradation.
+
+And now, reader, I hope thou wilt pardon this long digression, which
+seemed to me necessary to vindicate the great character of Mrs Slipslop
+from what low people, who have never seen high people, might think an
+absurdity; but we who know them must have daily found very high persons
+know us in one place and not in another, to-day and not to-morrow; all
+which it is difficult to account for otherwise than I have here
+endeavoured; and perhaps, if the gods, according to the opinion of some,
+made men only to laugh at them, there is no part of our behaviour which
+answers the end of our creation better than this.
+
+But to return to our history: Adams, who knew no more of this than the
+cat which sat on the table, imagining Mrs Slipslop's memory had been
+much worse than it really was, followed her into the next room, crying
+out, "Madam Slipslop, here is one of your old acquaintance; do but see
+what a fine woman she is grown since she left Lady Booby's service."--"I
+think I reflect something of her," answered she, with great dignity,
+"but I can't remember all the inferior servants in our family." She then
+proceeded to satisfy Adams's curiosity, by telling him, "When she
+arrived at the inn, she found a chaise ready for her; that, her lady
+being expected very shortly in the country, she was obliged to make the
+utmost haste; and, in commensuration of Joseph's lameness, she had taken
+him with her;" and lastly, "that the excessive virulence of the storm
+had driven them into the house where he found them." After which, she
+acquainted Adams with his having left his horse, and exprest some wonder
+at his having strayed so far out of his way, and at meeting him, as she
+said, "in the company of that wench, who she feared was no better than
+she should be."
+
+The horse was no sooner put into Adams's head but he was immediately
+driven out by this reflection on the character of Fanny. He protested,
+"He believed there was not a chaster damsel in the universe. I heartily
+wish, I heartily wish," cried he (snapping his fingers), "that all her
+betters were as good." He then proceeded to inform her of the accident
+of their meeting; but when he came to mention the circumstance of
+delivering her from the rape, she said, "She thought him properer for
+the army than the clergy; that it did not become a clergyman to lay
+violent hands on any one; that he should have rather prayed that she
+might be strengthened." Adams said, "He was very far from being ashamed
+of what he had done:" she replied, "Want of shame was not the
+currycuristic of a clergyman." This dialogue might have probably grown
+warmer, had not Joseph opportunely entered the room, to ask leave of
+Madam Slipslop to introduce Fanny: but she positively refused to admit
+any such trollops, and told him, "She would have been burnt before she
+would have suffered him to get into a chaise with her, if she had once
+respected him of having his sluts waylaid on the road for him;" adding,
+"that Mr Adams acted a very pretty part, and she did not doubt but to
+see him a bishop." He made the best bow he could, and cried out, "I
+thank you, madam, for that right-reverend appellation, which I shall
+take all honest means to deserve."-"Very honest means," returned she,
+with a sneer, "to bring people together." At these words Adams took two
+or three strides across the room, when the coachman came to inform Mrs
+Slipslop, "That the storm was over, and the moon shone very bright." She
+then sent for Joseph, who was sitting without with his Fanny, and would
+have had him gone with her; but he peremptorily refused to leave Fanny
+behind, which threw the good woman into a violent rage. She said, "She
+would inform her lady what doings were carrying on, and did not doubt
+but she would rid the parish of all such people;" and concluded a long
+speech, full of bitterness and very hard words, with some reflections on
+the clergy not decent to repeat; at last, finding Joseph unmoveable, she
+flung herself into the chaise, casting a look at Fanny as she went, not
+unlike that which Cleopatra gives Octavia in the play. To say the truth,
+she was most disagreeably disappointed by the presence of Fanny: she
+had, from her first seeing Joseph at the inn, conceived hopes of
+something which might have been accomplished at an alehouse as well as a
+palace. Indeed, it is probable Mr Adams had rescued more than Fanny from
+the clanger of a rape that evening.
+
+When the chaise had carried off the enraged Slipslop, Adams, Joseph, and
+Fanny assembled over the fire, where they had a great deal of innocent
+chat, pretty enough; but, as possibly it would not be very entertaining
+to the reader, we shall hasten to the morning; only observing that none
+of them went to bed that night. Adams, when he had smoaked three pipes,
+took a comfortable nap in a great chair, and left the lovers, whose eyes
+were too well employed to permit any desire of shutting them, to enjoy
+by themselves, during some hours, an happiness which none of my readers
+who have never been in love are capable of the least conception of,
+though we had as many tongues as Homer desired, to describe it with, and
+which all true lovers will represent to their own minds without the
+least assistance from us.
+
+Let it suffice then to say, that Fanny, after a thousand entreaties, at
+last gave up her whole soul to Joseph; and, almost fainting in his arms,
+with a sigh infinitely softer and sweeter too than any Arabian breeze,
+she whispered to his lips, which were then close to hers, "O Joseph,
+you have won me: I will be yours for ever." Joseph, having thanked
+her on his knees, and embraced her with an eagerness which she now
+almost returned, leapt up in a rapture, and awakened the parson,
+earnestly begging him "that he would that instant join their hands
+together." Adams rebuked him for his request, and told him "He would by
+no means consent to anything contrary to the forms of the Church; that
+he had no licence, nor indeed would he advise him to obtain one; that
+the Church had prescribed a form--namely, the publication of banns--with
+which all good Christians ought to comply, and to the omission of which
+he attributed the many miseries which befell great folks in marriage;"
+concluding, "As many as are joined together otherwise than G--'s word
+doth allow are not joined together by G--, neither is their matrimony
+lawful." Fanny agreed with the parson, saying to Joseph, with a blush,
+"She assured him she would not consent to any such thing, and that she
+wondered at his offering it." In which resolution she was comforted and
+commended by Adams; and Joseph was obliged to wait patiently till after
+the third publication of the banns, which, however, he obtained the
+consent of Fanny, in the presence of Adams, to put in at their arrival.
+
+The sun had been now risen some hours, when Joseph, finding his leg
+surprizingly recovered, proposed to walk forwards; but when they were
+all ready to set out, an accident a little retarded them. This was no
+other than the reckoning, which amounted to seven shillings; no great
+sum if we consider the immense quantity of ale which Mr Adams poured in.
+Indeed, they had no objection to the reasonableness of the bill, but
+many to the probability of paying it; for the fellow who had taken poor
+Fanny's purse had unluckily forgot to return it. So that the account
+stood thus:--
+
+                                   £ S D
+        Mr Adams and company, Dr.  0 7 0
+
+        In Mr Adams's pocket       0 0 6 1/2
+        In Mr Joseph's             0 0 0
+        In Mrs Fanny's             0 0 0
+
+          Balance                  0 6 5 1/2
+
+They stood silent some few minutes, staring at each other, when Adams
+whipt out on his toes, and asked the hostess, "If there was no clergyman
+in that parish?" She answered, "There was."--"Is he wealthy?" replied
+he; to which she likewise answered in the affirmative. Adams then
+snapping his fingers returned overjoyed to his companions, crying out,
+"Heureka, Heureka;" which not being understood, he told them in plain
+English, "They need give themselves no trouble, for he had a brother in
+the parish who would defray the reckoning, and that he would just step
+to his house and fetch the money, and return to them instantly."
+
+
+
+END OF VOL. I
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Joseph Andrews Vol 1, by Henry Fielding
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS VOL 1 ***
+
+This file should be named 8jan110.txt or 8jan110.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8jan111.txt
+VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8jan110a.txt
+
+Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we usually do not
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance
+of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing.
+Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections,
+even years after the official publication date.
+
+Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til
+midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement.
+The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at
+Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month.  A
+preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment
+and editing by those who wish to do so.
+
+Most people start at our Web sites at:
+http://gutenberg.net or
+http://promo.net/pg
+
+These Web sites include award-winning information about Project
+Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new
+eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!).
+
+
+Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement
+can get to them as follows, and just download by date.  This is
+also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the
+indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an
+announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter.
+
+http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or
+ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03
+
+Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90
+
+Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want,
+as it appears in our Newsletters.
+
+
+Information about Project Gutenberg (one page)
+
+We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work.  The
+time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours
+to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright
+searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc.   Our
+projected audience is one hundred million readers.  If the value
+per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2
+million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text
+files per month:  1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+
+We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002
+If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total
+will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end.
+
+The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks!
+This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers,
+which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users.
+
+Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated):
+
+eBooks Year Month
+
+    1  1971 July
+   10  1991 January
+  100  1994 January
+ 1000  1997 August
+ 1500  1998 October
+ 2000  1999 December
+ 2500  2000 December
+ 3000  2001 November
+ 4000  2001 October/November
+ 6000  2002 December*
+ 9000  2003 November*
+10000  2004 January*
+
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created
+to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people
+and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut,
+Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois,
+Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts,
+Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New
+Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio,
+Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South
+Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West
+Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
+
+We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones
+that have responded.
+
+As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list
+will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states.
+Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state.
+
+In answer to various questions we have received on this:
+
+We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally
+request donations in all 50 states.  If your state is not listed and
+you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have,
+just ask.
+
+While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are
+not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting
+donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to
+donate.
+
+International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about
+how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made
+deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are
+ways.
+
+Donations by check or money order may be sent to:
+
+Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+PMB 113
+1739 University Ave.
+Oxford, MS 38655-4109
+
+Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment
+method other than by check or money order.
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by
+the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN
+[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154.  Donations are
+tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law.  As fund-raising
+requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be
+made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states.
+
+We need your donations more than ever!
+
+You can get up to date donation information online at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html
+
+
+***
+
+If you can't reach Project Gutenberg,
+you can always email directly to:
+
+Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com>
+
+Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message.
+
+We would prefer to send you information by email.
+
+
+**The Legal Small Print**
+
+
+(Three Pages)
+
+***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START***
+Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers.
+They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with
+your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from
+someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our
+fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement
+disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how
+you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to.
+
+*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK
+By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm
+eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept
+this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive
+a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by
+sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person
+you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical
+medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request.
+
+ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS
+This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks,
+is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart
+through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project").
+Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright
+on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and
+distribute it in the United States without permission and
+without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth
+below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook
+under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.
+
+Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market
+any commercial products without permission.
+
+To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable
+efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain
+works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any
+medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other
+things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
+intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged
+disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer
+codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.
+
+LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES
+But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below,
+[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may
+receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims
+all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including
+legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR
+UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT,
+INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE
+OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE
+POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.
+
+If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of
+receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any)
+you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that
+time to the person you received it from. If you received it
+on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and
+such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement
+copy. If you received it electronically, such person may
+choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to
+receive it electronically.
+
+THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS
+TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT
+LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A
+PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
+
+Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or
+the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the
+above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you
+may have other legal rights.
+
+INDEMNITY
+You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation,
+and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated
+with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm
+texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including
+legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the
+following that you do or cause:  [1] distribution of this eBook,
+[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook,
+or [3] any Defect.
+
+DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm"
+You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by
+disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this
+"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg,
+or:
+
+[1]  Only give exact copies of it.  Among other things, this
+     requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the
+     eBook or this "small print!" statement.  You may however,
+     if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable
+     binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form,
+     including any form resulting from conversion by word
+     processing or hypertext software, but only so long as
+     *EITHER*:
+
+     [*]  The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and
+          does *not* contain characters other than those
+          intended by the author of the work, although tilde
+          (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may
+          be used to convey punctuation intended by the
+          author, and additional characters may be used to
+          indicate hypertext links; OR
+
+     [*]  The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at
+          no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent
+          form by the program that displays the eBook (as is
+          the case, for instance, with most word processors);
+          OR
+
+     [*]  You provide, or agree to also provide on request at
+          no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the
+          eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC
+          or other equivalent proprietary form).
+
+[2]  Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this
+     "Small Print!" statement.
+
+[3]  Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the
+     gross profits you derive calculated using the method you
+     already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  If you
+     don't derive profits, no royalty is due.  Royalties are
+     payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation"
+     the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were
+     legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent
+     periodic) tax return.  Please contact us beforehand to
+     let us know your plans and to work out the details.
+
+WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
+Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of
+public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed
+in machine readable form.
+
+The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time,
+public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses.
+Money should be paid to the:
+"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or
+software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at:
+hart@pobox.com
+
+[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only
+when distributed free of all fees.  Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by
+Michael S. Hart.  Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be
+used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be
+they hardware or software or any other related product without
+express permission.]
+
+*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END*
+
diff --git a/old/8jan110.zip b/old/8jan110.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..dbff769
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/8jan110.zip
diff --git a/old/8jan110h.zip b/old/8jan110h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..98758be
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/8jan110h.zip