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diff --git a/9611-h/9611-h.htm b/9611-h/9611-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff2da96 --- /dev/null +++ b/9611-h/9611-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,6534 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC + "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Joseph Andrews (Vol I.), by Henry Fielding</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + background-color: #F8F8D8;} + p {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + hr {width: 50%;} + .chtitle {margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + text-align: center;} + .figure {margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + text-align: center; + font-size: 0.8em;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + font-size: 0.8em;} + .pglegal {font-size: 0.8em; + background-color: #F0F0D0;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Joseph Andrews Vol. 1, by Henry Fielding + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Joseph Andrews Vol. 1 + +Author: Henry Fielding + +Posting Date: November 17, 2011 [EBook #9611] +Release Date: January, 2006 +First Posted: October 9, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS VOL. 1 *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + <h1>THE WORKS OF HENRY FIELDING<br /> + EDITED BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY<br /> + IN TWELVE VOLUMES</h1> + <h2>VOL. I.<br /> + JOSEPH ANDREWS</h2> + <p class="figure"><a id="figure1" name="figure1"></a> <img + src="images/figure1.png" width="100%" alt="" /><br /> + Portrait of Fielding, from bust in the Shire Hall, Taunton.</p> + <hr /> + <h2>CONTENTS.</h2> + <h4><a href="#introduction">INTRODUCTION.</a></h4> + <h4><a href="#preface">PREFACE.</a></h4> + <h4>BOOK I.</h4> + <center> + <a href="#book1chapter1">CHAPTER I.</a><br /> + <em>Of writing lives in general, and particularly of Pamela, + with a word by the bye of Colley Cibber and others</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter2">CHAPTER II.</a><br /> + <em>Of Mr Joseph Andrews, his birth, parentage, education, and + great endowments, with a word or two concerning + ancestors</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter3">CHAPTER III.</a><br /> + <em>Of Mr Abraham Adams the curate, Mrs Slipslop the + chambermaid, and others</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter4">CHAPTER IV.</a><br /> + <em>What happened after their journey to London</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter5">CHAPTER V.</a><br /> + <em>The death of Sir Thomas Booby, with the affectionate and + mournful behaviour of his widow, and the great purity of Joseph + Andrews</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter6">CHAPTER VI.</a><br /> + <em>How Joseph Andrews writ a letter to his sister + Pamela</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter7">CHAPTER VII.</a><br /> + <em>Sayings of wise men. A dialogue between the lady and her + maid; and a panegyric, or rather satire, on the passion of love, + in the sublime style</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter8">CHAPTER VIII.</a><br /> + <em>In which, after some very fine writing, the history goes on, + and relates the interview between the lady and Joseph; where the + latter hath set an example which we despair of seeing followed by + his sex in this vicious age</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter9">CHAPTER IX.</a><br /> + <em>What passed between the lady and Mrs Slipslop; in which we + prophesy there are some strokes which every one will not truly + comprehend at the first reading</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter10">CHAPTER X.</a><br /> + <em>Joseph writes another letter; his transactions with Mr Peter + Pounce, &c., with his departure from Lady Booby</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter11">CHAPTER XI.</a><br /> + <em>Of several new matters not expected</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter12">CHAPTER XII.</a><br /> + <em>Containing many surprizing adventures which Joseph Andrews + met with on the road, scarce credible to those who have never + travelled in a stage-coach</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter13">CHAPTER XIII.</a><br /> + <em>What happened to Joseph during his sickness at the inn, with + the curious discourse between him and Mr Barnabas, the parson of + the parish</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter14">CHAPTER XIV.</a><br /> + <em>Being very full of adventures which succeeded each other at + the inn</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter15">CHAPTER XV.</a><br /> + <em>Showing how Mrs Tow-wouse was a little mollified; and how + officious Mr Barnabas and the surgeon were to prosecute the + thief: with a dissertation accounting for their zeal, and that of + many other persons not mentioned in this history</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter16">CHAPTER XVI.</a><br /> + <em>The escape of the thief. Mr Adams's disappointment. The + arrival of two very extraordinary personages, and the + introduction of parson Adams to parson Barnabas</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter17">CHAPTER XVII.</a><br /> + <em>A pleasant discourse between the two parsons and the + bookseller, which was broke off by an unlucky accident happening + in the inn, which produced a dialogue between Mrs Tow-wouse and + her maid of no gentle kind.</em><br /> + <a href="#book1chapter18">CHAPTER XVIII.</a><br /> + <em>The history of Betty the chambermaid, and an account of what + occasioned the violent scene in the preceding chapter</em><br /> + </center> + <h4>BOOK II.</h4> + <center> + <a href="#book2chapter1">CHAPTER I.</a><br /> + <em>Of Divisions in Authors</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter2">CHAPTER II.</a><br /> + <em>A surprizing instance of Mr Adams's short memory, with the + unfortunate consequences which it brought on Joseph</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter3">CHAPTER III.</a><br /> + <em>The opinion of two lawyers concerning the same gentleman, + with Mr Adams's inquiry into the religion of his host</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter4">CHAPTER IV.</a><br /> + <em>The history of Leonora, or the unfortunate jilt</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter5">CHAPTER V.</a><br /> + <em>A dreadful quarrel which happened at the inn where the + company dined, with its bloody consequences to Mr + Adams</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter6">CHAPTER VI.</a><br /> + <em>Conclusion of the unfortunate jilt</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter7">CHAPTER VII.</a><br /> + <em>A very short chapter, in which parson Adams went a great + way</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter8">CHAPTER VIII.</a><br /> + <em>A notable dissertation by Mr Abraham Adams; wherein that + gentleman appears in a political light</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter9">CHAPTER IX.</a><br /> + <em>In which the gentleman discants on bravery and heroic + virtue, till an unlucky accident puts an end to the + discourse</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter10">CHAPTER X.</a><br /> + <em>Giving an account of the strange catastrophe of the + preceding adventure, which drew poor Adams into fresh calamities; + and who the woman was who owed the preservation of her chastity + to his victorious arm</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter11">CHAPTER XI.</a><br /> + <em>What happened to them while before the justice. A chapter + very full of learning</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter12">CHAPTER XII.</a><br /> + <em>A very delightful adventure, as well to the persons + concerned as to the good-natured reader</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter13">CHAPTER XIII.</a><br /> + <em>A dissertation concerning high people and low people, with + Mrs Slipslop's departure in no very good temper of mind, and the + evil plight in which she left Adams and his company</em><br /> + </center> + <h4>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.</h4> + <center> + <a href="#figure1">PORTRAIT OF FIELDING, FROM BUST IN THE SHIRE + HALL, TAUNTON</a><br /> + <a href="#figure2">"JOSEPH, I AM SORRY TO HEAR SUCH COMPLAINTS + AGAINST YOU"</a><br /> + <a href="#figure3">THE HOSTLER PRESENTED HIM A BILL</a><br /> + <a href="#figure4">JOSEPH THANKED HER ON HIS KNEES</a><br /> + </center> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="introduction" name="introduction">GENERAL + INTRODUCTION.</a></h2> + <p>There are few amusements more dangerous for an author than the + indulgence in ironic descriptions of his own work. If the irony is + depreciatory, posterity is but too likely to say, "Many a true word + is spoken in jest;" if it is encomiastic, the same ruthless and + ungrateful critic is but too likely to take it as an involuntary + confession of folly and vanity. But when Fielding, in one of his + serio-comic introductions to <i>Tom Jones</i>, described it as + "this prodigious work," he all unintentionally (for he was the + least pretentious of men) anticipated the verdict which posterity + almost at once, and with ever-increasing suffrage of the best + judges as time went on, was about to pass not merely upon this + particular book, but upon his whole genius and his whole production + as a novelist. His work in other kinds is of a very different order + of excellence. It is sufficiently interesting at times in itself; + and always more than sufficiently interesting as his; for which + reasons, as well as for the further one that it is comparatively + little known, a considerable selection from it is offered to the + reader in the last two volumes of this edition. Until the present + occasion (which made it necessary that I should acquaint myself + with it) I own that my own knowledge of these miscellaneous + writings was by no means thorough. It is now pretty complete; but + the idea which I previously had of them at first and second hand, + though a little improved, has not very materially altered. Though + in all this hack-work Fielding displayed, partially and at + intervals, the same qualities which he displayed eminently and + constantly in the four great books here given, he was not, as the + French idiom expresses it, <i>dans son assiette</i>, in his own + natural and impregnable disposition and situation of character and + ability, when he was occupied on it. The novel was for him that + <i>assiette</i>; and all his novels are here.</p> + <p>Although Henry Fielding lived in quite modern times, although by + family and connections he was of a higher rank than most men of + letters, and although his genius was at once recognised by his + contemporaries so soon as it displayed itself in its proper sphere, + his biography until very recently was by no means full; and the + most recent researches, including those of Mr Austin Dobson—a + critic unsurpassed for combination of literary faculty and + knowledge of the eighteenth century—have not altogether + sufficed to fill up the gaps. His family, said to have descended + from a member of the great house of Hapsburg who came to England in + the reign of Henry II., distinguished itself in the Wars of the + Roses, and in the seventeenth century was advanced to the peerages + of Denbigh in England and (later) of Desmond in Ireland. The + novelist was the grandson of John Fielding, Canon of Salisbury, the + fifth son of the first Earl of Desmond of this creation. The + canon's third son, Edmond, entered the army, served under + Marlborough, and married Sarah Gold or Gould, daughter of a judge + of the King's Bench. Their eldest son was Henry, who was born on + April 22, 1707, and had an uncertain number of brothers and sisters + of the whole blood. After his first wife's death, General Fielding + (for he attained that rank) married again. The most remarkable + offspring of the first marriage, next to Henry, was his sister + Sarah, also a novelist, who wrote David Simple; of the second, + John, afterwards Sir John Fielding, who, though blind, succeeded + his half-brother as a Bow Street magistrate, and in that office + combined an equally honourable record with a longer tenure.</p> + <p>Fielding was born at Sharpham Park in Somersetshire, the seat of + his maternal grandfather; but most of his early youth was spent at + East Stour in Dorsetshire, to which his father removed after the + judge's death. He is said to have received his first education + under a parson of the neighbourhood named Oliver, in whom a very + uncomplimentary tradition sees the original of Parson Trulliber. He + was then certainly sent to Eton, where he did not waste his time as + regards learning, and made several valuable friends. But the dates + of his entering and leaving school are alike unknown; and his + subsequent sojourn at Leyden for two years—though there is no + reason to doubt it—depends even less upon any positive + documentary evidence. This famous University still had a great + repute as a training school in law, for which profession he was + intended; but the reason why he did not receive the even then far + more usual completion of a public school education by a sojourn at + Oxford or Cambridge may be suspected to be different. It may even + have had something to do with a curious escapade of his about which + not very much is known—an attempt to carry off a pretty + heiress of Lyme, named Sarah Andrew.</p> + <p>Even at Leyden, however, General Fielding seems to have been + unable or unwilling to pay his son's expenses, which must have been + far less there than at an English University; and Henry's return to + London in 1728-29 is said to have been due to sheer impecuniosity. + When he returned to England, his father was good enough to make him + an allowance of L200 nominal, which appears to have been equivalent + to L0 actual. And as practically nothing is known of him for the + next six or seven years, except the fact of his having worked + industriously enough at a large number of not very good plays of + the lighter kind, with a few poems and miscellanies, it is + reasonably enough supposed that he lived by his pen. The only + product of this period which has kept (or indeed which ever + received) competent applause is <i>Tom Thumb, or the Tragedy of + Tragedies</i>, a following of course of the <i>Rehearsal</i>, but + full of humour and spirit. The most successful of his other + dramatic works were the <i>Mock Doctor</i> and the <i>Miser</i>, + adaptations of Moliere's famous pieces. His undoubted connection + with the stage, and the fact of the contemporary existence of a + certain Timothy Fielding, helped suggestions of less dignified + occupations as actor, booth-keeper, and so forth; but these have + long been discredited and indeed disproved.</p> + <p>In or about 1735, when Fielding was twenty-eight, we find him in + a new, a more brilliant and agreeable, but even a more transient + phase. He had married (we do not know when or where) Miss Charlotte + Cradock, one of three sisters who lived at Salisbury (it is to be + observed that Fielding's entire connections, both in life and + letters, are with the Western Counties and London), who were + certainly of competent means, and for whose alleged illegitimacy + there is no evidence but an unsupported fling of that old maid of + genius, Richardson. The descriptions both of Sophia and of Amelia + are said to have been taken from this lady; her good looks and her + amiability are as well established as anything of the kind can be + in the absence of photographs and affidavits; and it is certain + that her husband was passionately attached to her, during their too + short married life. His method, however, of showing his affection + smacked in some ways too much of the foibles which he has + attributed to Captain Booth, and of those which we must suspect Mr + Thomas Jones would also have exhibited, if he had not been adopted + as Mr Allworthy's heir, and had not had Mr Western's fortune to + share and look forward to. It is true that grave breaches have been + made by recent criticism in the very picturesque and circumstantial + story told on the subject by Murphy, the first of Fielding's + biographers. This legend was that Fielding, having succeeded by the + death of his mother to a small estate at East Stour, worth about + L200 a year, and having received L1500 in ready money as his wife's + fortune, got through the whole in three years by keeping open + house, with a large retinue in "costly yellow liveries," and so + forth. In details, this story has been simply riddled. His mother + had died long before; he was certainly not away from London three + years, or anything like it; and so forth. At the same time, the + best and soberest judges agree that there is an intrinsic + probability, a consensus (if a vague one) of tradition, and a chain + of almost unmistakably personal references in the novels, which + plead for a certain amount of truth, at the bottom of a much + embellished legend. At any rate, if Fielding established himself in + the country, it was not long before he returned to town; for early + in 1736 we find him back again, and not merely a playwright, but + lessee of the "Little Theatre" in the Haymarket. The plays which he + produced here—satirico-political pieces, such as + <i>Pasquin</i> and the <i>Historical Register</i>—were + popular enough, but offended the Government; and in 1737 a new bill + regulating theatrical performances, and instituting the Lord + Chamberlain's control, was passed. This measure put an end directly + to the "Great Mogul's Company," as Fielding had called his troop, + and indirectly to its manager's career as a playwright. He did + indeed write a few pieces in future years, but they were of the + smallest importance.</p> + <p>After this check he turned at last to a serious profession, + entered himself of the Middle Temple in November of the same year, + and was called three years later; but during these years, and + indeed for some time afterwards, our information about him is still + of the vaguest character. Nobody doubts that he had a large share + in the <i>Champion</i>, an essay-periodical on the usual + eighteenth-century model, which began to appear in 1739, and which + is still occasionally consulted for the work that is certainly or + probably his. He went the Western Circuit, and attended the + Wiltshire Sessions, after he was called, giving up his + contributions to periodicals soon after that event. But he soon + returned to literature proper, or rather made his <i>debut</i> in + it, with the immortal book now republished. The <i>History of the + Adventures of Joseph Andrews, and his Friend Mr Abraham Adams</i>, + appeared in February 1742, and its author received from Andrew + Millar, the publisher, the sum of L183, 11s. Even greater works + have fetched much smaller sums; but it will be admitted that + <i>Joseph Andrews</i> was not dear.</p> + <p>The advantage, however, of presenting a survey of an author's + life uninterrupted by criticism is so clear, that what has to be + said about <i>Joseph</i> may be conveniently postponed for the + moment. Immediately after its publication the author fell back upon + miscellaneous writing, and in the next year (1743) collected and + issued three volumes of <i>Miscellanies</i>. In the two first + volumes the only thing of much interest is the unfinished and + unequal, but in part powerful, <i>Journey from this World to the + Next</i>, an attempt of a kind which Fontenelle and others, + following Lucian, had made very popular with the time. But the + third volume of the <i>Miscellanies</i> deserved a less modest and + gregarious appearance, for it contained, and is wholly occupied by, + the wonderful and terrible satire of <i>Jonathan Wild</i>, the + greatest piece of pure irony in English out of Swift. Soon after + the publication of the book, a great calamity came on Fielding. His + wife had been very ill when he wrote the preface; soon afterwards + she was dead. They had taken the chance, had made the choice, that + the more prudent and less wise student-hero and heroine of Mr + Browning's <i>Youth and Art</i> had shunned; they had no doubt + "sighed deep, laughed free, Starved, feasted, despaired," and we + need not question, that they had also "been happy."</p> + <p>Except this sad event and its rather incongruous sequel, + Fielding's marriage to his wife's maid Mary Daniel—a + marriage, however, which did not take place till full four years + later, and which by all accounts supplied him with a faithful and + excellent companion and nurse, and his children with a kind + stepmother—little or nothing is again known of this elusive + man of genius between the publication of the <i>Miscellanies</i> in + 1743, and that of <i>Tom Jones</i> in 1749. The second marriage + itself in November 1747; an interview which Joseph Warton had with + him rather more than a year earlier (one of the very few direct + interviews we have); the publication of two anti-Jacobite + newspapers (Fielding was always a strong Whig and Hanoverian), + called the <i>True Patriot</i> and the <i>Jacobite's Journal</i> in + 1745 and the following years; some indistinct traditions about + residences at Twickenham and elsewhere, and some, more precise but + not much more authenticated, respecting patronage by the Duke of + Bedford, Mr Lyttelton, Mr Allen, and others, pretty well sum up the + whole.</p> + <p><i>Tom Jones</i> was published in February (a favourite month + with Fielding or his publisher Millar) 1749; and as it brought him + the, for those days, very considerable sum of L600 to which Millar + added another hundred later, the novelist must have been, for a + time at any rate, relieved from his chronic penury. But he had + already, by Lyttelton's interest, secured his first and last piece + of preferment, being made Justice of the Peace for Westminster, an + office on which he entered with characteristic vigour. He was + qualified for it not merely by a solid knowledge of the law, and by + great natural abilities, but by his thorough kindness of heart; + and, perhaps, it may also be added, by his long years of queer + experience on (as Mr Carlyle would have said) the "burning marl" of + the London Bohemia. Very shortly afterwards he was chosen Chairman + of Quarter Sessions, and established himself in Bow Street. The Bow + Street magistrate of that time occupied a most singular position, + and was more like a French Prefect of Police or even a Minister of + Public Safety than a mere justice. Yet he was ill paid. Fielding + says that the emoluments, which before his accession had but been + L500 a year of "dirty" money, were by his own action but L300 of + clean; and the work, if properly performed, was very severe.</p> + <p>That he performed it properly all competent evidence shows, a + foolish, inconclusive, and I fear it must be said emphatically + snobbish story of Walpole's notwithstanding. In particular, he + broke up a gang of cut-throat thieves, which had been the terror of + London. But his tenure of the post was short enough, and scarcely + extended to five years. His health had long been broken, and he was + now constantly attacked by gout, so that he had frequently to + retreat on Bath from Bow Street, or his suburban cottage of + Fordhook, Ealing. But he did not relax his literary work. His pen + was active with pamphlets concerning his office; <i>Amelia</i>, his + last novel, appeared towards the close of 1751; and next year saw + the beginning of a new paper, the <i>Covent Garden Journal</i>, + which appeared twice a week, ran for the greater part of the year, + and died in November. Its great author did not see that month twice + again. In the spring of 1753 he grew worse; and after a year's + struggle with ill health, hard work, and hard weather, lesser + measures being pronounced useless, was persuaded to try the + "Portugal Voyage," of which he has left so charming a record in the + <i>Journey to Lisbon</i>. He left Fordhook on June 26, 1754, + reached Lisbon in August, and, dying there on the 8th of October, + was buried in the cemetery of the Estrella.</p> + <p>Of not many writers perhaps does a clearer notion, as far as + their personality goes, exist in the general mind that interests + itself at all in literature than of Fielding. Yet more than once a + warning has been sounded, especially by his best and most recent + biographer, to the effect that this idea is founded upon very + little warranty of scripture. The truth is, that as the foregoing + record—which, brief as it is, is a sufficiently faithful + summary—will have shown, we know very little about Fielding. + We have hardly any letters of his, and so lack the best by far and + the most revealing of all character-portraits; we have but one + important autobiographic fragment, and though that is of the + highest interest and value, it was written far in the valley of the + shadow of death, it is not in the least retrospective, and it + affords but dim and inferential light on his younger, healthier, + and happier days and ways. He came, moreover, just short of one set + of men of letters, of whom we have a great deal of personal + knowledge, and just beyond another. He was neither of those about + Addison, nor of those about Johnson. No intimate friend of his has + left us anything elaborate about him. On the other hand, we have a + far from inconsiderable body of documentary evidence, of a kind + often by no means trustworthy. The best part of it is contained in + the letters of his cousin, Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, and the + reminiscences or family traditions of her grand-daughter, Lady + Louisa Stuart. But Lady Mary, vivacious and agreeable as she is, + had with all her talent a very considerable knack of writing for + effect, of drawing strong contrasts and the like; and it is not + quite certain that she saw very much of Fielding in the last and + most interesting third of his life. Another witness, Horace + Walpole, to less knowledge and equally dubious accuracy, added + decided ill-will, which may have been due partly to the shrinking + of a dilettante and a fop from a burly Bohemian; but I fear is also + consequent upon the fact that Horace could not afford to despise + Fielding's birth, and knew him to be vastly his own superior in + genius. We hear something of him again from Richardson; and + Richardson hated him with the hatred of dissimilar genius, of + inferior social position, and, lastly, of the cat for the dog who + touzles and worries her. Johnson partly inherited or shared + Richardson's aversion, partly was blinded to Fielding's genius by + his aggressive Whiggery. I fear, too, that he was incapable of + appreciating it for reasons other than political. It is certain + that Johnson, sane and robust as he was, was never quite at ease + before genius of the gigantic kind, either in dead or living. + Whether he did not like to have to look up too much, or was + actually unable to do so, it is certain that Shakespeare, Milton, + Swift, and Fielding, those four Atlantes of English verse and + prose, all affected him with lukewarm admiration, or with positive + dislike, for which it is vain to attempt to assign any uniform + secondary cause, political or other. It may be permitted to hint + another reason. All Johnson's most sharp-sighted critics have + noticed, though most have discreetly refrained from insisting on, + his "thorn-in-the-flesh," the combination in him of very strong + physical passions with the deepest sense of the moral and religious + duty of abstinence. It is perhaps impossible to imagine anything + more distasteful to a man so buffeted, than the extreme indulgence + with which Fielding regards, and the easy freedom, not to say + gusto, with which he depicts, those who succumb to similar + temptation. Only by supposing the workings of some subtle influence + of this kind is it possible to explain, even in so capricious a + humour as Johnson's, the famous and absurd application of the term + "barren rascal" to a writer who, dying almost young, after having + for many years lived a life of pleasure, and then for four or five + one of laborious official duty, has left work anything but small in + actual bulk, and fertile with the most luxuriant growth of + intellectual originality.</p> + <p>Partly on the <i>obiter dicta</i> of persons like these, partly + on the still more tempting and still more treacherous ground of + indications drawn from his works, a Fielding of fantasy has been + constructed, which in Thackeray's admirable sketch attains real + life and immortality as a creature of art, but which possesses + rather dubious claims as a historical character. It is astonishing + how this Fielding of fantasy sinks and shrivels when we begin to + apply the horrid tests of criticism to his component parts. The + <i>eidolon</i>, with inked ruffles and a towel round his head, sits + in the Temple and dashes off articles for the <i>Covent Garden + Journal</i>; then comes Criticism, hellish maid, and reminds us + that when the <i>Covent Garden Journal</i> appeared, Fielding's + wild oats, if ever sown at all, had been sown long ago; that he was + a busy magistrate and householder in Bow Street; and that, if he + had towels round his head, it was probably less because he had + exceeded in liquor than because his Grace of Newcastle had given + him a headache by wanting elaborate plans and schemes prepared at + an hour's notice. Lady Mary, apparently with some envy, tells us + that he could "feel rapture with his cook-maid." "Which many has," + as Mr Ridley remarks, from Xanthias Phoceus downwards; but when we + remember the historic fact that he married this maid (not a + "cook-maid" at all), and that though he always speaks of her with + warm affection and hearty respect, such "raptures" as we have of + his clearly refer to a very different woman, who was both a lady + and a beautiful one, we begin a little to shake our heads. Horace + Walpole at second-hand draws us a Fielding, pigging with low + companions in a house kept like a hedge tavern; Fielding himself, + within a year or two, shows us more than half-undesignedly in the + <i>Voyage to Lisbon</i> that he was very careful about the + appointments and decency of his table, that he stood rather upon + ceremony in regard to his own treatment of his family, and the + treatment of them and himself by others, and that he was altogether + a person orderly, correct, and even a little finikin. Nor is there + the slightest reasonable reason to regard this as a piece of + hypocrisy, a vice as alien from the Fielding of fancy as from the + Fielding of fact, and one the particular manifestation of which, in + this particular place, would have been equally unlikely and + unintelligible.</p> + <p>It may be asked whether I propose to substitute for the + traditional Fielding a quite different person, of regular habits + and methodical economy. Certainly not. The traditional estimate of + great men is rarely wrong altogether, but it constantly has a habit + of exaggerating and dramatising their characteristics. For some + things in Fielding's career we have positive evidence of document, + and evidence hardly less certain of probability. Although I believe + the best judges are now of opinion that his impecuniosity has been + overcharged, he certainly had experiences which did not often fall + to the lot of even a cadet of good family in the eighteenth + century. There can be no reasonable doubt that he was a man who had + a leaning towards pretty girls and bottles of good wine; and I + should suppose that if the girl were kind and fairly winsome, he + would not have insisted that she should possess Helen's beauty, + that if the bottle of good wine were not forthcoming, he would have + been very tolerant of a mug of good ale. He may very possibly have + drunk more than he should, and lost more than he could conveniently + pay. It may be put down as morally ascertained that towards all + these weaknesses of humanity, and others like unto them, he held an + attitude which was less that of the unassailable philosopher than + that of the sympathiser, indulgent and excusing. In regard more + especially to what are commonly called moral delinquencies, this + attitude was so decided as to shock some people even in those days, + and many in these. Just when the first sheets of this edition were + passing through the press, a violent attack was made in a newspaper + correspondence on the morality of <i>Tom Jones</i> by certain + notorious advocates of Purity, as some say, of Pruriency and + Prudery combined, according to less complimentary estimates. Even + midway between the two periods we find the admirable Miss Ferrier, + a sister of Fielding's own craft, who sometimes had touches of + nature and satire not far inferior to his own, expressing by the + mouth of one of her characters with whom she seems partly to agree, + the sentiment that his works are "vanishing like noxious + exhalations." Towards any misdoing by persons of the one sex + towards persons of the other, when it involved brutality or + treachery, Fielding was pitiless; but when treachery and brutality + were not concerned, he was, to say the least, facile. So, too, he + probably knew by experience—he certainly knew by native + shrewdness and acquired observation—that to look too much on + the wine when it is red, or on the cards when they are + parti-coloured, is ruinous to health and fortune; but he thought + not over badly of any man who did these things. Still it is + possible to admit this in him, and to stop short of that idea of a + careless and reckless <i>viveur</i> which has so often been put + forward. In particular, Lady Mary's view of his childlike enjoyment + of the moment has been, I think, much exaggerated by posterity, and + was probably not a little mistaken by the lady herself. There are + two moods in which the motto is <i>Carpe diem</i>, one a mood of + simply childish hurry, the other one where behind the enjoyment of + the moment lurks, and in which the enjoyment of the moment is not a + little heightened by, that vast ironic consciousness of the before + and after, which I at least see everywhere in the background of + Fielding's work.</p> + <p>The man, however, of whom we know so little, concerns us much + less than the author of the works, of which it only rests with + ourselves to know everything. I have above classed Fielding as one + of the four Atlantes of English verse and prose, and I doubt not + that both the phrase and the application of it to him will meet + with question and demur. I have only to interject, as the critic so + often has to interject, a request to the court to take what I say + in the sense in which I say it. I do not mean that Shakespeare, + Milton, Swift, and Fielding are in all or even in most respects on + a level. I do not mean that the three last are in all respects of + the greatest names in English literature. I only mean that, in a + certain quality, which for want of a better word I have chosen to + call Atlantean, they stand alone. Each of them, for the metaphor is + applicable either way, carries a whole world on his shoulders, or + looks down on a whole world from his natural altitude. The worlds + are different, but they are worlds; and though the attitude of the + giants is different also, it agrees in all of them on the points of + competence and strength. Take whomsoever else we may among our men + of letters, and we shall find this characteristic to be in + comparison wanting. These four carry their world, and are not + carried by it; and if it, in the language so dear to Fielding + himself, were to crash and shatter, the inquiry, "<i>Que vous + reste-t-il?</i>" could be answered by each, "<i>Moi!</i>"</p> + <p>The appearance which Fielding makes is no doubt the most modest + of the four. He has not Shakespeare's absolute universality, and in + fact not merely the poet's tongue, but the poet's thought seems to + have been denied him. His sphere is not the ideal like Milton's. + His irony, splendid as it is, falls a little short of that + diabolical magnificence which exalts Swift to the point whence, in + his own way, he surveys all the kingdoms of the world, and the + glory or vainglory of them. All Fielding's critics have noted the + manner, in a certain sense modest, in another ostentatious, in + which he seems to confine himself to the presentation of things + English. They might have added to the presentation of things + English—as they appear in London, and on the Western Circuit, + and on the Bath Road.</p> + <p>But this apparent parochialism has never deceived good judges. + It did not deceive Lady Mary, who had seen the men and manners of + very many climes; it did not deceive Gibbon, who was not especially + prone to overvalue things English, and who could look down from + twenty centuries on things ephemeral. It deceives, indeed, I am + told, some excellent persons at the present day, who think + Fielding's microcosm a "toylike world," and imagine that Russian + Nihilists and French Naturalists have gone beyond it. It will + deceive no one who has lived for some competent space of time a + life during which he has tried to regard his fellow-creatures and + himself, as nearly as a mortal may, <i>sub specie + aeternitatis</i>.</p> + <p>As this is in the main an introduction to a complete reprint of + Fielding's four great novels, the justification in detail of the + estimate just made or hinted of the novelist's genius will be best + and most fitly made by a brief successive discussion of the four as + they are here presented, with some subsequent remarks on the + <i>Miscellanies</i> here selected. And, indeed, it is not fanciful + to perceive in each book a somewhat different presentment of the + author's genius; though in no one of the four is any one of his + masterly qualities absent. There is tenderness even in <i>Jonathan + Wild</i>; there are touches in <i>Joseph Andrews</i> of that irony + of the Preacher, the last echo of which is heard amid the kindly + resignation of the <i>Journey to Lisbon</i>, in the sentence, + "Whereas envy of all things most exposes us to danger from others, + so contempt of all things best secures us from them." But on the + whole it is safe to say that <i>Joseph Andrews</i> best presents + Fielding's mischievous and playful wit; <i>Jonathan Wild</i> his + half-Lucianic half-Swiftian irony; <i>Tom Jones</i> his unerring + knowledge of human nature, and his constructive faculty; + <i>Amelia</i> his tenderness, his <i>mitis sapientia</i>, his + observation of the details of life. And first of the first.</p> + <p><i>The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his + friend Mr Abraham Adams</i> was, as has been said above, published + in February 1742. A facsimile of the agreement between author and + publisher will be given in the second volume of this series; and it + is not uninteresting to observe that the witness, William Young, is + none other than the asserted original of the immortal Mr Adams + himself. He might, on Balzac's plea in a tolerably well-known + anecdote, have demanded half of the L183, 11s. Of the other origins + of the book we have a pretty full account, partly documentary. That + it is "writ in the manner of Cervantes," and is intended as a kind + of comic epic, is the author's own statement—no doubt as near + the actual truth as is consistent with comic-epic theory. That + there are resemblances to Scarron, to Le Sage, and to other + practitioners of the Picaresque novel is certain; and it was + inevitable that there should be. Of directer and more immediate + models or starting-points one is undoubted; the other, though less + generally admitted, not much less indubitable to my mind. The + parody of Richardson's <i>Pamela</i>, which was little more than a + year earlier (Nov. 1740), is avowed, open, flagrant; nor do I think + that the author was so soon carried away by the greater and larger + tide of his own invention as some critics seem to hold. He is + always more or less returning to the ironic charge; and the + multiplicity of the assailants of Joseph's virtue only disguises + the resemblance to the long-drawn dangers of Pamela from a single + ravisher. But Fielding was also well acquainted with Marivaux's + <i>Paysan Parvenu</i>, and the resemblances between that book and + <i>Joseph Andrews</i> are much stronger than Fielding's admirers + have always been willing to admit. This recalcitrance has, I think, + been mainly due to the erroneous conception of Marivaux as, if not + a mere fribble, yet a Dresden-Shepherdess kind of writer, good at + "preciousness" and patch-and-powder manners, but nothing more.</p> + <p>There was, in fact, a very strong satiric and ironic touch in + the author of <i>Marianne</i>, and I do not think that I was too + rash when some years ago I ventured to speak of him as "playing + Fielding to his own Richardson" in the <i>Paysan Parvenu</i>.</p> + <p>Origins, however, and indebtedness and the like, are, when great + work is concerned, questions for the study and the lecture-room, + for the literary historian and the professional critic, rather than + for the reader, however intelligent and alert, who wishes to enjoy + a masterpiece, and is content simply to enjoy it. It does not + really matter how close to anything else something which possesses + independent goodness is; the very utmost technical originality, the + most spotless purity from the faintest taint of suggestion, will + not suffice to confer merit on what does not otherwise possess it. + Whether, as I rather think, Fielding pursued the plan he had formed + <i>ab incepto</i>, or whether he cavalierly neglected it, or + whether the current of his own genius carried him off his legs and + landed him, half against his will, on the shore of originality, are + questions for the Schools, and, as I venture to think, not for the + higher forms in them. We have <i>Joseph Andrews</i> as it is; and + we may be abundantly thankful for it. The contents of it, as of all + Fielding's work in this kind, include certain things for which the + moderns are scantly grateful. Of late years, and not of late years + only, there has grown up a singular and perhaps an ignorant + impatience of digressions, of episodes, of tales within a tale. The + example of this which has been most maltreated is the "Man of the + Hill" episode in <i>Tom Jones</i>; but the stories of the + "Unfortunate Jilt" and of Mr Wilson in our present subject, do not + appear to me to be much less obnoxious to the censure; and + <i>Amelia</i> contains more than one or two things of the same + kind. Me they do not greatly disturb; and I see many defences for + them besides the obvious, and at a pinch sufficient one, that + divagations of this kind existed in all Fielding's Spanish and + French models, that the public of the day expected them, and so + forth. This defence is enough, but it is easy to amplify and + reintrench it. It is not by any means the fact that the Picaresque + novel of adventure is the only or the chief form of fiction which + prescribes or admits these episodic excursions. All the classical + epics have them; many eastern and other stories present them; they + are common, if not invariable, in the abundant mediaeval literature + of prose and verse romance; they are not unknown by any means in + the modern novel; and you will very rarely hear a story told orally + at the dinner-table or in the smoking-room without something of the + kind. There must, therefore, be something in them corresponding to + an inseparable accident of that most unchanging of all things, + human nature. And I do not think the special form with which we are + here concerned by any means the worst that they have taken. It has + the grand and prominent virtue of being at once and easily + skippable. There is about Cervantes and Le Sage, about Fielding and + Smollett, none of the treachery of the modern novelist, who induces + the conscientious reader to drag through pages, chapters, and + sometimes volumes which have nothing to do with the action, for + fear he should miss something that has to do with it. These great + men have a fearless frankness, and almost tell you in so many words + when and what you may skip. Therefore, if the "Curious + Impertinent," and the "Baneful Marriage," and the "Man of the + Hill," and the "Lady of Quality," get in the way, when you desire + to "read for the story," you have nothing to do but turn the page + till <i>finis</i> comes. The defence has already been made by an + illustrious hand for Fielding's inter-chapters and exordiums. It + appears to me to be almost more applicable to his insertions.</p> + <p>And so we need not trouble ourselves any more either about the + insertions or about the exordiums. They both please me; the second + class has pleased persons much better worth pleasing than I can + pretend to be; but the making or marring of the book lies + elsewhere. I do not think that it lies in the construction, though + Fielding's following of the ancients, both sincere and satiric, has + imposed a false air of regularity upon that. The Odyssey of Joseph, + of Fanny, and of their ghostly mentor and bodily guard is, in + truth, a little haphazard, and might have been longer or shorter + without any discreet man approving it the more or the less + therefor. The real merits lie partly in the abounding humour and + satire of the artist's criticism, but even more in the marvellous + vivacity and fertility of his creation. For the very first time in + English prose fiction every character is alive, every incident is + capable of having happened. There are lively touches in the + Elizabethan romances; but they are buried in verbiage, swathed in + stage costume, choked and fettered by their authors' want of art. + The quality of Bunyan's knowledge of men was not much inferior to + Shakespeare's, or at least to Fielding's; but the range and the + results of it were cramped by his single theological purpose, and + his unvaried allegoric or typical form. Why Defoe did not discover + the New World of Fiction, I at least have never been able to put + into any brief critical formula that satisfies me, and I have never + seen it put by any one else. He had not only seen it afar off, he + had made landings and descents on it; he had carried off and + exhibited in triumph natives such as Robinson Crusoe, as Man + Friday, as Moll Flanders, as William the Quaker; but he had + conquered, subdued, and settled no province therein. I like + <i>Pamela</i>; I like it better than some persons who admire + Richardson on the whole more than I do, seem to like it. But, as in + all its author's work, the handling seems to me academic—the + working out on paper of an ingeniously conceived problem rather + than the observation or evolution of actual or possible life. I + should not greatly fear to push the comparison even into foreign + countries; but it is well to observe limits. Let us be content with + holding that in England at least, without prejudice to anything + further, Fielding was the first to display the qualities of the + perfect novelist as distinguished from the romancer.</p> + <p>What are those qualities, as shown in <i>Joseph Andrews</i>? The + faculty of arranging a probable and interesting course of action is + one, of course, and Fielding showed it here. But I do not think + that it is at any time the greatest one; and nobody denies that he + made great advances in this direction later. The faculty of lively + dialogue is another; and that he has not often been refused; but + much the same may be said of it. The interspersing of appropriate + description is another; but here also we shall not find him exactly + a paragon. It is in character—the chief <i>differentia</i> of + the novel as distinguished not merely from its elder sister the + romance, and its cousin the drama, but still more from every other + kind of literature—that Fielding stands even here + pre-eminent. No one that I can think of, except his greatest + successor in the present century, has the same unfailing gift of + breathing life into every character he creates or borrows; and even + Thackeray draws, if I may use the phrase, his characters more in + the flat and less in the round than Fielding. Whether in Blifil he + once failed, we must discuss hereafter; he has failed nowhere in + <i>Joseph Andrews</i>. Some of his sketches may require the caution + that they are eighteenth-century men and women; some the warning + that they are obviously caricatured, or set in designed profile, or + merely sketched. But they are all alive. The finical estimate of + Gray (it is a horrid joy to think how perfectly capable Fielding + was of having joined in that practical joke of the young gentlemen + of Cambridge, which made Gray change his college), while dismissing + these light things with patronage, had to admit that "parson Adams + is perfectly well, so is Mrs Slipslop." "They <i>were</i>, Mr + Gray," said some one once, "they were more perfectly well, and in a + higher kind, than anything you ever did; though you were a pretty + workman too."</p> + <p>Yes, parson Adams is perfectly well, and so is Mrs Slipslop. But + so are they all. Even the hero and heroine, tied and bound as they + are by the necessity under which their maker lay of preserving + Joseph's Joseph-hood, and of making Fanny the example of a franker + and less interested virtue than her sister-in-law that might have + been, are surprisingly human where most writers would have made + them sticks. And the rest require no allowance. Lady Booby, few as + are the strokes given to her, is not much less alive than Lady + Bellaston. Mr Trulliber, monster and not at all delicate monster as + he is, is also a man, and when he lays it down that no one even in + his own house shall drink when he "caaled vurst," one can but pay + his maker the tribute of that silent shudder of admiration which + hails the addition of one more everlasting entity to the world of + thought and fancy. And Mr Tow-wouse is real, and Mrs Tow-wouse is + more real still, and Betty is real; and the coachman, and Miss + Grave-airs, and all the wonderful crew from first to last. The + dresses they wear, the manners they exhibit, the laws they live + under, the very foods and drinks they live upon, are "past like the + shadows on glasses"—to the comfort and rejoicing of some, to + the greater or less sorrow of others. But <i>they</i> are + there—alive, full of blood, full of breath as we are, and, in + truth, I fear a little more so. For some purposes a century is a + gap harder to cross and more estranging than a couple of + millenniums. But in their case the gap is nothing; and it is not + too much to say that as they have stood the harder test, they will + stand the easier. There are very striking differences between + Nausicaa and Mrs Slipslop; there are differences not less striking + between Mrs Slipslop and Beatrice. But their likeness is a stranger + and more wonderful thing than any of their unlikenesses. It is that + they are all women, that they are all live citizenesses of the Land + of Matters Unforgot, the fashion whereof passeth not away, and the + franchise whereof, once acquired, assures immortality.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="intronote" name="intronote">NOTE TO GENERAL + INTRODUCTION.</a></h2> + <p><i>The text of this issue in the main follows that of the + standard or first collected edition of 1762. The variants which the + author introduced in successive editions during his lifetime are + not inconsiderable; but for the purposes of the present issue it + did not seem necessary or indeed desirable to take account of them. + In the case of prose fiction, more than in any other department of + literature, it is desirable that work should be read in the form + which represents the completest intention and execution of the + author. Nor have any notes been attempted; for again such things, + in the case of prose fiction, are of very doubtful use, and supply + pretty certain stumbling-blocks to enjoyment; while in the + particular case of Fielding, the annotation, unless extremely + capricious, would have to be disgustingly full. Far be it at any + rate from the present editor to bury these delightful creations + under an ugly crust of parallel passages and miscellaneous + erudition. The sheets, however, have been carefully read in order + to prevent the casual errors which are wont to creep into + frequently reprinted texts; and the editor hopes that if any such + have escaped him, the escape will not be attributed to wilful + negligence. A few obvious errors, in spelling of proper names, + &c., which occur in the 1762 version have been corrected: but + wherever the readings of that version are possible they have been + preferred. The embellishments of the edition are partly fanciful + and partly "documentary;" so that it is hoped both classes of taste + may have something to feed upon.</i></p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="preface" name="preface">AUTHOR'S PREFACE.</a></h2> + <p>As it is possible the mere English reader may have a different + idea of romance from the author of these little <a + id="footnote1tag" name="footnote1tag"></a><a + href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> volumes, and may consequently + expect a kind of entertainment not to be found, nor which was even + intended, in the following pages, it may not be improper to premise + a few words concerning this kind of writing, which I do not + remember to have seen hitherto attempted in our language.</p> + <p>The EPIC, as well as the DRAMA, is divided into tragedy and + comedy. HOMER, who was the father of this species of poetry, gave + us a pattern of both these, though that of the latter kind is + entirely lost; which Aristotle tells us, bore the same relation to + comedy which his Iliad bears to tragedy. And perhaps, that we have + no more instances of it among the writers of antiquity, is owing to + the loss of this great pattern, which, had it survived, would have + found its imitators equally with the other poems of this great + original.</p> + <p>And farther, as this poetry may be tragic or comic, I will not + scruple to say it may be likewise either in verse or prose: for + though it wants one particular, which the critic enumerates in the + constituent parts of an epic poem, namely metre; yet, when any kind + of writing contains all its other parts, such as fable, action, + characters, sentiments, and diction, and is deficient in metre + only, it seems, I think, reasonable to refer it to the epic; at + least, as no critic hath thought proper to range it under any other + head, or to assign it a particular name to itself.</p> + <p>Thus the Telemachus of the archbishop of Cambray appears to me + of the epic kind, as well as the Odyssey of Homer; indeed, it is + much fairer and more reasonable to give it a name common with that + species from which it differs only in a single instance, than to + confound it with those which it resembles in no other. Such are + those voluminous works, commonly called Romances, namely, Clelia, + Cleopatra, Astraea, Cassandra, the Grand Cyrus, and innumerable + others, which contain, as I apprehend, very little instruction or + entertainment.</p> + <p>Now, a comic romance is a comic epic poem in prose; differing + from comedy, as the serious epic from tragedy: its action being + more extended and comprehensive; containing a much larger circle of + incidents, and introducing a greater variety of characters. It + differs from the serious romance in its fable and action, in this; + that as in the one these are grave and solemn, so in the other they + are light and ridiculous: it differs in its characters by + introducing persons of inferior rank, and consequently, of inferior + manners, whereas the grave romance sets the highest before us: + lastly, in its sentiments and diction; by preserving the ludicrous + instead of the sublime. In the diction, I think, burlesque itself + may be sometimes admitted; of which many instances will occur in + this work, as in the description of the battles, and some other + places, not necessary to be pointed out to the classical reader, + for whose entertainment those parodies or burlesque imitations are + chiefly calculated.</p> + <p>But though we have sometimes admitted this in our diction, we + have carefully excluded it from our sentiments and characters; for + there it is never properly introduced, unless in writings of the + burlesque kind, which this is not intended to be. Indeed, no two + species of writing can differ more widely than the comic and the + burlesque; for as the latter is ever the exhibition of what is + monstrous and unnatural, and where our delight, if we examine it, + arises from the surprizing absurdity, as in appropriating the + manners of the highest to the lowest, or <em>e converso</em>; so in + the former we should ever confine ourselves strictly to nature, + from the just imitation of which will flow all the pleasure we can + this way convey to a sensible reader. And perhaps there is one + reason why a comic writer should of all others be the least excused + for deviating from nature, since it may not be always so easy for a + serious poet to meet with the great and the admirable; but life + everywhere furnishes an accurate observer with the ridiculous.</p> + <p>I have hinted this little concerning burlesque, because I have + often heard that name given to performances which have been truly + of the comic kind, from the author's having sometimes admitted it + in his diction only; which, as it is the dress of poetry, doth, + like the dress of men, establish characters (the one of the whole + poem, and the other of the whole man), in vulgar opinion, beyond + any of their greater excellences: but surely, a certain drollery in + stile, where characters and sentiments are perfectly natural, no + more constitutes the burlesque, than an empty pomp and dignity of + words, where everything else is mean and low, can entitle any + performance to the appellation of the true sublime.</p> + <p>And I apprehend my Lord Shaftesbury's opinion of mere burlesque + agrees with mine, when he asserts, There is no such thing to be + found in the writings of the ancients. But perhaps I have less + abhorrence than he professes for it; and that, not because I have + had some little success on the stage this way, but rather as it + contributes more to exquisite mirth and laughter than any other; + and these are probably more wholesome physic for the mind, and + conduce better to purge away spleen, melancholy, and ill + affections, than is generally imagined. Nay, I will appeal to + common observation, whether the same companies are not found more + full of good-humour and benevolence, after they have been sweetened + for two or three hours with entertainments of this kind, than when + soured by a tragedy or a grave lecture.</p> + <p>But to illustrate all this by another science, in which, + perhaps, we shall see the distinction more clearly and plainly, let + us examine the works of a comic history painter, with those + performances which the Italians call Caricatura, where we shall + find the true excellence of the former to consist in the exactest + copying of nature; insomuch that a judicious eye instantly rejects + anything <em>outre</em>, any liberty which the painter hath taken + with the features of that <em>alma mater</em>; whereas in the + Caricatura we allow all licence—its aim is to exhibit + monsters, not men; and all distortions and exaggerations whatever + are within its proper province.</p> + <p>Now, what Caricatura is in painting, Burlesque is in writing; + and in the same manner the comic writer and painter correlate to + each other. And here I shall observe, that, as in the former the + painter seems to have the advantage; so it is in the latter + infinitely on the side of the writer; for the Monstrous is much + easier to paint than describe, and the Ridiculous to describe than + paint.</p> + <p>And though perhaps this latter species doth not in either + science so strongly affect and agitate the muscles as the other; + yet it will be owned, I believe, that a more rational and useful + pleasure arises to us from it. He who should call the ingenious + Hogarth a burlesque painter, would, in my opinion, do him very + little honour; for sure it is much easier, much less the subject of + admiration, to paint a man with a nose, or any other feature, of a + preposterous size, or to expose him in some absurd or monstrous + attitude, than to express the affections of men on canvas. It hath + been thought a vast commendation of a painter to say his figures + seem to breathe; but surely it is a much greater and nobler + applause, that they appear to think.</p> + <p>But to return. The Ridiculous only, as I have before said, falls + within my province in the present work. Nor will some explanation + of this word be thought impertinent by the reader, if he considers + how wonderfully it hath been mistaken, even by writers who have + professed it: for to what but such a mistake can we attribute the + many attempts to ridicule the blackest villanies, and, what is yet + worse, the most dreadful calamities? What could exceed the + absurdity of an author, who should write the comedy of Nero, with + the merry incident of ripping up his mother's belly? or what would + give a greater shock to humanity than an attempt to expose the + miseries of poverty and distress to ridicule? And yet the reader + will not want much learning to suggest such instances to + himself.</p> + <p>Besides, it may seem remarkable, that Aristotle, who is so fond + and free of definitions, hath not thought proper to define the + Ridiculous. Indeed, where he tells us it is proper to comedy, he + hath remarked that villany is not its object: but he hath not, as I + remember, positively asserted what is. Nor doth the Abbe + Bellegarde, who hath written a treatise on this subject, though he + shows us many species of it, once trace it to its fountain.</p> + <p>The only source of the true Ridiculous (as it appears to me) is + affectation. But though it arises from one spring only, when we + consider the infinite streams into which this one branches, we + shall presently cease to admire at the copious field it affords to + an observer. Now, affectation proceeds from one of these two + causes, vanity or hypocrisy: for as vanity puts us on affecting + false characters, in order to purchase applause; so hypocrisy sets + us on an endeavour to avoid censure, by concealing our vices under + an appearance of their opposite virtues. And though these two + causes are often confounded (for there is some difficulty in + distinguishing them), yet, as they proceed from very different + motives, so they are as clearly distinct in their operations: for + indeed, the affectation which arises from vanity is nearer to truth + than the other, as it hath not that violent repugnancy of nature to + struggle with, which that of the hypocrite hath. It may be likewise + noted, that affectation doth not imply an absolute negation of + those qualities which are affected; and, therefore, though, when it + proceeds from hypocrisy, it be nearly allied to deceit; yet when it + comes from vanity only, it partakes of the nature of ostentation: + for instance, the affectation of liberality in a vain man differs + visibly from the same affectation in the avaricious; for though the + vain man is not what he would appear, or hath not the virtue he + affects, to the degree he would be thought to have it; yet it sits + less awkwardly on him than on the avaricious man, who is the very + reverse of what he would seem to be.</p> + <p>From the discovery of this affectation arises the Ridiculous, + which always strikes the reader with surprize and pleasure; and + that in a higher and stronger degree when the affectation arises + from hypocrisy, than when from vanity; for to discover any one to + be the exact reverse of what he affects, is more surprizing, and + consequently more ridiculous, than to find him a little deficient + in the quality he desires the reputation of. I might observe that + our Ben Jonson, who of all men understood the Ridiculous the best, + hath chiefly used the hypocritical affectation.</p> + <p>Now, from affectation only, the misfortunes and calamities of + life, or the imperfections of nature, may become the objects of + ridicule. Surely he hath a very ill-framed mind who can look on + ugliness, infirmity, or poverty, as ridiculous in themselves: nor + do I believe any man living, who meets a dirty fellow riding + through the streets in a cart, is struck with an idea of the + Ridiculous from it; but if he should see the same figure descend + from his coach and six, or bolt from his chair with his hat under + his arm, he would then begin to laugh, and with justice. In the + same manner, were we to enter a poor house and behold a wretched + family shivering with cold and languishing with hunger, it would + not incline us to laughter (at least we must have very diabolical + natures if it would); but should we discover there a grate, instead + of coals, adorned with flowers, empty plate or china dishes on the + sideboard, or any other affectation of riches and finery, either on + their persons or in their furniture, we might then indeed be + excused for ridiculing so fantastical an appearance. Much less are + natural imperfections the object of derision; but when ugliness + aims at the applause of beauty, or lameness endeavours to display + agility, it is then that these unfortunate circumstances, which at + first moved our compassion, tend only to raise our mirth.</p> + <p>The poet carries this very far:—</p> + <blockquote> + None are for being what they are in fault,<br /> + But for not being what they would be thought.<br /> + </blockquote> + <p>Where if the metre would suffer the word Ridiculous to close the + first line, the thought would be rather more proper. Great vices + are the proper objects of our detestation, smaller faults, of our + pity; but affectation appears to me the only true source of the + Ridiculous.</p> + <p>But perhaps it may be objected to me, that I have against my own + rules introduced vices, and of a very black kind, into this work. + To which I shall answer: first, that it is very difficult to pursue + a series of human actions, and keep clear from them. Secondly, that + the vices to be found here are rather the accidental consequences + of some human frailty or foible, than causes habitually existing in + the mind. Thirdly, that they are never set forth as the objects of + ridicule, but detestation. Fourthly, that they are never the + principal figure at that time on the scene: and, lastly, they never + produce the intended evil.</p> + <p>Having thus distinguished Joseph Andrews from the productions of + romance writers on the one hand and burlesque writers on the other, + and given some few very short hints (for I intended no more) of + this species of writing, which I have affirmed to be hitherto + unattempted in our language; I shall leave to my good-natured + reader to apply my piece to my observations, and will detain him no + longer than with a word concerning the characters in this work.</p> + <p>And here I solemnly protest I have no intention to vilify or + asperse any one; for though everything is copied from the book of + nature, and scarce a character or action produced which I have not + taken from my I own observations and experience; yet I have used + the utmost care to obscure the persons by such different + circumstances, degrees, and colours, that it will be impossible to + guess at them with any degree of certainty; and if it ever happens + otherwise, it is only where the failure characterized is so minute, + that it is a foible only which the party himself may laugh at as + well as any other.</p> + <p>As to the character of Adams, as it is the most glaring in the + whole, so I conceive it is not to be found in any book now extant. + It is designed a character of perfect simplicity; and as the + goodness of his heart will recommend him to the good-natured, so I + hope it will excuse me to the gentlemen of his cloth; for whom, + while they are worthy of their sacred order, no man can possibly + have a greater respect. They will therefore excuse me, + notwithstanding the low adventures in which he is engaged, that I + have made him a clergyman; since no other office could have given + him so many opportunities of displaying his worthy + inclinations.</p> + <p class="footnote"><a id="footnote1" name="footnote1"></a> + <b>Footnote 1</b>: <em>Joseph Andrews</em> was originally published + in 2 vols. duodecimo. <a href="#footnote1tag">(return)</a></p> + <hr /> + <h1>THE HISTORY OF THE ADVENTURES OF JOSEPH ANDREWS AND HIS FRIEND + MR ABRAHAM ADAMS</h1> + <hr /> + <h2>BOOK I.</h2> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter1" name="book1chapter1">CHAPTER I.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Of writing lives in general, and + particularly of Pamela; with a word by the bye of Colley Cibber and + others.</em></p> + <p>It is a trite but true observation, that examples work more + forcibly on the mind than precepts: and if this be just in what is + odious and blameable, it is more strongly so in what is amiable and + praiseworthy. Here emulation most effectually operates upon us, and + inspires our imitation in an irresistible manner. A good man + therefore is a standing lesson to all his acquaintance, and of far + greater use in that narrow circle than a good book.</p> + <p>But as it often happens that the best men are but little known, + and consequently cannot extend the usefulness of their examples a + great way; the writer may be called in aid to spread their history + farther, and to present the amiable pictures to those who have not + the happiness of knowing the originals; and so, by communicating + such valuable patterns to the world, he may perhaps do a more + extensive service to mankind than the person whose life originally + afforded the pattern.</p> + <p>In this light I have always regarded those biographers who have + recorded the actions of great and worthy persons of both sexes. Not + to mention those antient writers which of late days are little + read, being written in obsolete, and as they are generally thought, + unintelligible languages, such as Plutarch, Nepos, and others which + I heard of in my youth; our own language affords many of excellent + use and instruction, finely calculated to sow the seeds of virtue + in youth, and very easy to be comprehended by persons of moderate + capacity. Such as the history of John the Great, who, by his brave + and heroic actions against men of large and athletic bodies, + obtained the glorious appellation of the Giant-killer; that of an + Earl of Warwick, whose Christian name was Guy; the lives of Argalus + and Parthenia; and above all, the history of those seven worthy + personages, the Champions of Christendom. In all these delight is + mixed with instruction, and the reader is almost as much improved + as entertained.</p> + <p>But I pass by these and many others to mention two books lately + published, which represent an admirable pattern of the amiable in + either sex. The former of these, which deals in male virtue, was + written by the great person himself, who lived the life he hath + recorded, and is by many thought to have lived such a life only in + order to write it. The other is communicated to us by an historian + who borrows his lights, as the common method is, from authentic + papers and records. The reader, I believe, already conjectures, I + mean the lives of Mr Colley Cibber and of Mrs Pamela Andrews. How + artfully doth the former, by insinuating that he escaped being + promoted to the highest stations in Church and State, teach us a + contempt of worldly grandeur! how strongly doth he inculcate an + absolute submission to our superiors! Lastly, how completely doth + he arm us against so uneasy, so wretched a passion as the fear of + shame! how clearly doth he expose the emptiness and vanity of that + phantom, reputation!</p> + <p>What the female readers are taught by the memoirs of Mrs Andrews + is so well set forth in the excellent essays or letters prefixed to + the second and subsequent editions of that work, that it would be + here a needless repetition. The authentic history with which I now + present the public is an instance of the great good that book is + likely to do, and of the prevalence of example which I have just + observed: since it will appear that it was by keeping the excellent + pattern of his sister's virtues before his eyes, that Mr Joseph + Andrews was chiefly enabled to preserve his purity in the midst of + such great temptations. I shall only add that this character of + male chastity, though doubtless as desirable and becoming in one + part of the human species as in the other, is almost the only + virtue which the great apologist hath not given himself for the + sake of giving the example to his readers.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter2" name="book1chapter2">CHAPTER II.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Of Mr Joseph Andrews, his birth, parentage, + education, and great endowments; with a word or two concerning + ancestors.</em></p> + <p>Mr Joseph Andrews, the hero of our ensuing history, was esteemed + to be the only son of Gaffar and Gammer Andrews, and brother to the + illustrious Pamela, whose virtue is at present so famous. As to his + ancestors, we have searched with great diligence, but little + success; being unable to trace them farther than his + great-grandfather, who, as an elderly person in the parish + remembers to have heard his father say, was an excellent + cudgel-player. Whether he had any ancestors before this, we must + leave to the opinion of our curious reader, finding nothing of + sufficient certainty to rely on. However, we cannot omit inserting + an epitaph which an ingenious friend of ours hath + communicated:—</p> + <blockquote> + Stay, traveller, for underneath this pew<br /> + Lies fast asleep that merry man Andrew:<br /> + When the last day's great sun shall gild the skies,<br /> + Then he shall from his tomb get up and rise.<br /> + Be merry while thou canst: for surely thou<br /> + Shalt shortly be as sad as he is now.<br /> + </blockquote> + <p>The words are almost out of the stone with antiquity. But it is + needless to observe that Andrew here is writ without an <em>s</em>, + and is, besides, a Christian name. My friend, moreover, conjectures + this to have been the founder of that sect of laughing philosophers + since called Merry-andrews.</p> + <p>To waive, therefore, a circumstance which, though mentioned in + conformity to the exact rules of biography, is not greatly + material, I proceed to things of more consequence. Indeed, it is + sufficiently certain that he had as many ancestors as the best man + living, and, perhaps, if we look five or six hundred years + backwards, might be related to some persons of very great figure at + present, whose ancestors within half the last century are buried in + as great obscurity. But suppose, for argument's sake, we should + admit that he had no ancestors at all, but had sprung up, according + to the modern phrase, out of a dunghill, as the Athenians pretended + they themselves did from the earth, would not this autokopros <a + id="footnote2tag" name="footnote2tag"></a><a + href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a> have been justly entitled to all + the praise arising from his own virtues? Would it not be hard that + a man who hath no ancestors should therefore be rendered incapable + of acquiring honour; when we see so many who have no virtues + enjoying the honour of their forefathers? At ten years old (by + which time his education was advanced to writing and reading) he + was bound an apprentice, according to the statute, to Sir Thomas + Booby, an uncle of Mr Booby's by the father's side. Sir Thomas + having then an estate in his own hands, the young Andrews was at + first employed in what in the country they call keeping birds. His + office was to perform the part the ancients assigned to the god + Priapus, which deity the moderns call by the name of Jack o' Lent; + but his voice being so extremely musical, that it rather allured + the birds than terrified them, he was soon transplanted from the + fields into the dog-kennel, where he was placed under the huntsman, + and made what the sportsmen term whipper-in. For this place + likewise the sweetness of his voice disqualified him; the dogs + preferring the melody of his chiding to all the alluring notes of + the huntsman, who soon became so incensed at it, that he desired + Sir Thomas to provide otherwise for him, and constantly laid every + fault the dogs were at to the account of the poor boy, who was now + transplanted to the stable. Here he soon gave proofs of strength + and agility beyond his years, and constantly rode the most spirited + and vicious horses to water, with an intrepidity which surprized + every one. While he was in this station, he rode several races for + Sir Thomas, and this with such expertness and success, that the + neighbouring gentlemen frequently solicited the knight to permit + little Joey (for so he was called) to ride their matches. The best + gamesters, before they laid their money, always inquired which + horse little Joey was to ride; and the bets were rather + proportioned by the rider than by the horse himself; especially + after he had scornfully refused a considerable bribe to play booty + on such an occasion. This extremely raised his character, and so + pleased the Lady Booby, that she desired to have him (being now + seventeen years of age) for her own footboy.</p> + <p>Joey was now preferred from the stable to attend on his lady, to + go on her errands, stand behind her chair, wait at her tea-table, + and carry her prayer-book to church; at which place his voice gave + him an opportunity of distinguishing himself by singing psalms: he + behaved likewise in every other respect so well at Divine service, + that it recommended him to the notice of Mr Abraham Adams, the + curate, who took an opportunity one day, as he was drinking a cup + of ale in Sir Thomas's kitchen, to ask the young man several + questions concerning religion; with his answers to which he was + wonderfully pleased.</p> + <p class="footnote"><a id="footnote2" name="footnote2"></a> + <b>Footnote 2</b>: In English, sprung from a dunghill. <a + href="#footnote2tag">(return)</a></p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter3" name="book1chapter3">CHAPTER + III.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Of Mr Abraham Adams the curate, Mrs Slipslop + the chambermaid, and others.</em></p> + <p>Mr Abraham Adams was an excellent scholar. He was a perfect + master of the Greek and Latin languages; to which he added a great + share of knowledge in the Oriental tongues; and could read and + translate French, Italian, and Spanish. He had applied many years + to the most severe study, and had treasured up a fund of learning + rarely to be met with in a university. He was, besides, a man of + good sense, good parts, and good nature; but was at the same time + as entirely ignorant of the ways of this world as an infant just + entered into it could possibly be. As he had never any intention to + deceive, so he never suspected such a design in others. He was + generous, friendly, and brave to an excess; but simplicity was his + characteristick: he did, no more than Mr Colley Cibber, apprehend + any such passions as malice and envy to exist in mankind; which was + indeed less remarkable in a country parson than in a gentleman who + hath passed his life behind the scenes,—a place which hath + been seldom thought the school of innocence, and where a very + little observation would have convinced the great apologist that + those passions have a real existence in the human mind.</p> + <p>His virtue, and his other qualifications, as they rendered him + equal to his office, so they made him an agreeable and valuable + companion, and had so much endeared and well recommended him to a + bishop, that at the age of fifty he was provided with a handsome + income of twenty-three pounds a year; which, however, he could not + make any great figure with, because he lived in a dear country, and + was a little encumbered with a wife and six children.</p> + <p>It was this gentleman, who having, as I have said, observed the + singular devotion of young Andrews, had found means to question him + concerning several particulars; as, how many books there were in + the New Testament? which were they? how many chapters they + contained? and such like: to all which, Mr Adams privately said, he + answered much better than Sir Thomas, or two other neighbouring + justices of the peace could probably have done.</p> + <p>Mr Adams was wonderfully solicitous to know at what time, and by + what opportunity, the youth became acquainted with these matters: + Joey told him that he had very early learnt to read and write by + the goodness of his father, who, though he had not interest enough + to get him into a charity school, because a cousin of his father's + landlord did not vote on the right side for a churchwarden in a + borough town, yet had been himself at the expense of sixpence a + week for his learning. He told him likewise, that ever since he was + in Sir Thomas's family he had employed all his hours of leisure in + reading good books; that he had read the Bible, the Whole Duty of + Man, and Thomas a Kempis; and that as often as he could, without + being perceived, he had studied a great good book which lay open in + the hall window, where he had read, "as how the devil carried away + half a church in sermon-time, without hurting one of the + congregation; and as how a field of corn ran away down a hill with + all the trees upon it, and covered another man's meadow." This + sufficiently assured Mr Adams that the good book meant could be no + other than Baker's Chronicle.</p> + <p>The curate, surprized to find such instances of industry and + application in a young man who had never met with the least + encouragement, asked him, If he did not extremely regret the want + of a liberal education, and the not having been born of parents who + might have indulged his talents and desire of knowledge? To which + he answered, "He hoped he had profited somewhat better from the + books he had read than to lament his condition in this world. That, + for his part, he was perfectly content with the state to which he + was called; that he should endeavour to improve his talent, which + was all required of him; but not repine at his own lot, nor envy + those of his betters." "Well said, my lad," replied the curate; + "and I wish some who have read many more good books, nay, and some + who have written good books themselves, had profited so much by + them."</p> + <p>Adams had no nearer access to Sir Thomas or my lady than through + the waiting-gentlewoman; for Sir Thomas was too apt to estimate men + merely by their dress or fortune; and my lady was a woman of + gaiety, who had been blest with a town education, and never spoke + of any of her country neighbours by any other appellation than that + of the brutes. They both regarded the curate as a kind of domestic + only, belonging to the parson of the parish, who was at this time + at variance with the knight; for the parson had for many years + lived in a constant state of civil war, or, which is perhaps as + bad, of civil law, with Sir Thomas himself and the tenants of his + manor. The foundation of this quarrel was a modus, by setting which + aside an advantage of several shillings <em>per annum</em> would + have accrued to the rector; but he had not yet been able to + accomplish his purpose, and had reaped hitherto nothing better from + the suits than the pleasure (which he used indeed frequently to say + was no small one) of reflecting that he had utterly undone many of + the poor tenants, though he had at the same time greatly + impoverished himself.</p> + <p>Mrs Slipslop, the waiting-gentlewoman, being herself the + daughter of a curate, preserved some respect for Adams: she + professed great regard for his learning, and would frequently + dispute with him on points of theology; but always insisted on a + deference to be paid to her understanding, as she had been + frequently at London, and knew more of the world than a country + parson could pretend to.</p> + <p>She had in these disputes a particular advantage over Adams: for + she was a mighty affecter of hard words, which she used in such a + manner that the parson, who durst not offend her by calling her + words in question, was frequently at some loss to guess her + meaning, and would have been much less puzzled by an Arabian + manuscript.</p> + <p>Adams therefore took an opportunity one day, after a pretty long + discourse with her on the essence (or, as she pleased to term it, + the incence) of matter, to mention the case of young Andrews; + desiring her to recommend him to her lady as a youth very + susceptible of learning, and one whose instruction in Latin he + would himself undertake; by which means he might be qualified for a + higher station than that of a footman; and added, she knew it was + in his master's power easily to provide for him in a better manner. + He therefore desired that the boy might be left behind under his + care.</p> + <p>"La! Mr Adams," said Mrs Slipslop, "do you think my lady will + suffer any preambles about any such matter? She is going to London + very concisely, and I am confidous would not leave Joey behind her + on any account; for he is one of the genteelest young fellows you + may see in a summer's day; and I am confidous she would as soon + think of parting with a pair of her grey mares, for she values + herself as much on one as the other." Adams would have interrupted, + but she proceeded: "And why is Latin more necessitous for a footman + than a gentleman? It is very proper that you clergymen must learn + it, because you can't preach without it: but I have heard gentlemen + say in London, that it is fit for nobody else. I am confidous my + lady would be angry with me for mentioning it; and I shall draw + myself into no such delemy." At which words her lady's bell rung, + and Mr Adams was forced to retire; nor could he gain a second + opportunity with her before their London journey, which happened a + few days afterwards. However, Andrews behaved very thankfully and + gratefully to him for his intended kindness, which he told him he + never would forget, and at the same time received from the good man + many admonitions concerning the regulation of his future conduct, + and his perseverance in innocence and industry.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter4" name="book1chapter4">CHAPTER IV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>What happened after their journey to + London.</em></p> + <p>No sooner was young Andrews arrived at London than he began to + scrape an acquaintance with his party-coloured brethren, who + endeavoured to make him despise his former course of life. His hair + was cut after the newest fashion, and became his chief care; he + went abroad with it all the morning in papers, and drest it out in + the afternoon. They could not, however, teach him to game, swear, + drink, nor any other genteel vice the town abounded with. He + applied most of his leisure hours to music, in which he greatly + improved himself; and became so perfect a connoisseur in that art, + that he led the opinion of all the other footmen at an opera, and + they never condemned or applauded a single song contrary to his + approbation or dislike. He was a little too forward in riots at the + play-houses and assemblies; and when he attended his lady at church + (which was but seldom) he behaved with less seeming devotion than + formerly: however, if he was outwardly a pretty fellow, his morals + remained entirely uncorrupted, though he was at the same time + smarter and genteeler than any of the beaus in town, either in or + out of livery.</p> + <p>His lady, who had often said of him that Joey was the handsomest + and genteelest footman in the kingdom, but that it was pity he + wanted spirit, began now to find that fault no longer; on the + contrary, she was frequently heard to cry out, "Ay, there is some + life in this fellow." She plainly saw the effects which the town + air hath on the soberest constitutions. She would now walk out with + him into Hyde Park in a morning, and when tired, which happened + almost every minute, would lean on his arm, and converse with him + in great familiarity. Whenever she stept out of her coach, she + would take him by the hand, and sometimes, for fear of stumbling, + press it very hard; she admitted him to deliver messages at her + bedside in a morning, leered at him at table, and indulged him in + all those innocent freedoms which women of figure may permit + without the least sully of their virtue.</p> + <p>But though their virtue remains unsullied, yet now and then some + small arrows will glance on the shadow of it, their reputation; and + so it fell out to Lady Booby, who happened to be walking arm-in-arm + with Joey one morning in Hyde Park, when Lady Tittle and Lady + Tattle came accidentally by in their coach. "Bless me," says Lady + Tittle, "can I believe my eyes? Is that Lady + Booby?"—"Surely," says Tattle. "But what makes you + surprized?"—"Why, is not that her footman?" replied Tittle. + At which Tattle laughed, and cried, "An old business, I assure you: + is it possible you should not have heard it? The whole town hath + known it this half-year." The consequence of this interview was a + whisper through a hundred visits, which were separately performed + by the two ladies <a id="footnote3tag" name="footnote3tag"></a><a + href="#footnote3"><sup>3</sup></a> the same afternoon, and might + have had a mischievous effect, had it not been stopt by two fresh + reputations which were published the day afterwards, and engrossed + the whole talk of the town.</p> + <p>But, whatever opinion or suspicion the scandalous inclination of + defamers might entertain of Lady Booby's innocent freedoms, it is + certain they made no impression on young Andrews, who never offered + to encroach beyond the liberties which his lady allowed + him,—a behaviour which she imputed to the violent respect he + preserved for her, and which served only to heighten a something + she began to conceive, and which the next chapter will open a + little farther.</p> + <p class="footnote"><a id="footnote3" name="footnote3"></a> + <b>Footnote 3</b>: It may seem an absurdity that Tattle should + visit, as she actually did, to spread a known scandal: but the + reader may reconcile this by supposing, with me, that, + notwithstanding what she says, this was her first acquaintance with + it. <a href="#footnote3tag">(return)</a></p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter5" name="book1chapter5">CHAPTER V.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>The death of Sir Thomas Booby, with the + affectionate and mournful behaviour of his widow, and the great + purity of Joseph Andrews.</em></p> + <p>At this time an accident happened which put a stop to those + agreeable walks, which probably would have soon puffed up the + cheeks of Fame, and caused her to blow her brazen trumpet through + the town; and this was no other than the death of Sir Thomas Booby, + who, departing this life, left his disconsolate lady confined to + her house, as closely as if she herself had been attacked by some + violent disease. During the first six days the poor lady admitted + none but Mrs. Slipslop, and three female friends, who made a party + at cards: but on the seventh she ordered Joey, whom, for a good + reason, we shall hereafter call JOSEPH, to bring up her tea-kettle. + The lady being in bed, called Joseph to her, bade him sit down, + and, having accidentally laid her hand on his, she asked him if he + had ever been in love. Joseph answered, with some confusion, it was + time enough for one so young as himself to think on such things. + "As young as you are," replied the lady, "I am convinced you are no + stranger to that passion. Come, Joey," says she, "tell me truly, + who is the happy girl whose eyes have made a conquest of you?" + Joseph returned, that all the women he had ever seen were equally + indifferent to him. "Oh then," said the lady, "you are a general + lover. Indeed, you handsome fellows, like handsome women, are very + long and difficult in fixing; but yet you shall never persuade me + that your heart is so insusceptible of affection; I rather impute + what you say to your secrecy, a very commendable quality, and what + I am far from being angry with you for. Nothing can be more + unworthy in a young man, than to betray any intimacies with the + ladies." "Ladies! madam," said Joseph, "I am sure I never had the + impudence to think of any that deserve that name." "Don't pretend + to too much modesty," said she, "for that sometimes may be + impertinent: but pray answer me this question. Suppose a lady + should happen to like you; suppose she should prefer you to all + your sex, and admit you to the same familiarities as you might have + hoped for if you had been born her equal, are you certain that no + vanity could tempt you to discover her? Answer me honestly, Joseph; + have you so much more sense and so much more virtue than you + handsome young fellows generally have, who make no scruple of + sacrificing our dear reputation to your pride, without considering + the great obligation we lay on you by our condescension and + confidence? Can you keep a secret, my Joey?" "Madam," says he, "I + hope your ladyship can't tax me with ever betraying the secrets of + the family; and I hope, if you was to turn me away, I might have + that character of you." "I don't intend to turn you away, Joey," + said she, and sighed; "I am afraid it is not in my power." She then + raised herself a little in her bed, and discovered one of the + whitest necks that ever was seen; at which Joseph blushed. "La!" + says she, in an affected surprize, "what am I doing? I have trusted + myself with a man alone, naked in bed; suppose you should have any + wicked intentions upon my honour, how should I defend myself?" + Joseph protested that he never had the least evil design against + her. "No," says she, "perhaps you may not call your designs wicked; + and perhaps they are not so."—He swore they were not. "You + misunderstand me," says she; "I mean if they were against my + honour, they may not be wicked; but the world calls them so. But + then, say you, the world will never know anything of the matter; + yet would not that be trusting to your secrecy? Must not my + reputation be then in your power? Would you not then be my master?" + Joseph begged her ladyship to be comforted; for that he would never + imagine the least wicked thing against her, and that he had rather + die a thousand deaths than give her any reason to suspect him. + "Yes," said she, "I must have reason to suspect you. Are you not a + man? and, without vanity, I may pretend to some charms. But perhaps + you may fear I should prosecute you; indeed I hope you do; and yet + Heaven knows I should never have the confidence to appear before a + court of justice; and you know, Joey, I am of a forgiving temper. + Tell me, Joey, don't you think I should forgive + you?"—"Indeed, madam," says Joseph, "I will never do anything + to disoblige your ladyship."—"How," says she, "do you think + it would not disoblige me then? Do you think I would willingly + suffer you?"—"I don't understand you, madam," says + Joseph.—"Don't you?" said she, "then you are either a fool, + or pretend to be so; I find I was mistaken in you. So get you + downstairs, and never let me see your face again; your pretended + innocence cannot impose on me."—"Madam," said Joseph, "I + would not have your ladyship think any evil of me. I have always + endeavoured to be a dutiful servant both to you and my + master."—"O thou villain!" answered my lady; "why didst thou + mention the name of that dear man, unless to torment me, to bring + his precious memory to my mind?" (and then she burst into a fit of + tears.) "Get thee from my sight! I shall never endure thee more." + At which words she turned away from him; and Joseph retreated from + the room in a most disconsolate condition, and writ that letter + which the reader will find in the next chapter.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter6" name="book1chapter6">CHAPTER VI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>How Joseph Andrews writ a letter to his + sister Pamela.</em></p> + <p>"To MRS PAMELA ANDREWS, LIVING WITH SQUIRE BOOBY.</p> + <p>"DEAR SISTER,—Since I received your letter of your good + lady's death, we have had a misfortune of the same kind in our + family. My worthy master Sir Thomas died about four days ago; and, + what is worse, my poor lady is certainly gone distracted. None of + the servants expected her to take it so to heart, because they + quarrelled almost every day of their lives: but no more of that, + because you know, Pamela, I never loved to tell the secrets of my + master's family; but to be sure you must have known they never + loved one another; and I have heard her ladyship wish his honour + dead above a thousand times; but nobody knows what it is to lose a + friend till they have lost him.</p> + <p>"Don't tell anybody what I write, because I should not care to + have folks say I discover what passes in our family; but if it had + not been so great a lady, I should have thought she had had a mind + to me. Dear Pamela, don't tell anybody; but she ordered me to sit + down by her bedside, when she was naked in bed; and she held my + hand, and talked exactly as a lady does to her sweetheart in a + stage-play, which I have seen in Covent Garden, while she wanted + him to be no better than he should be.</p> + <p>"If madam be mad, I shall not care for staying long in the + family; so I heartily wish you could get me a place, either at the + squire's, or some other neighbouring gentleman's, unless it be true + that you are going to be married to parson Williams, as folks talk, + and then I should be very willing to be his clerk; for which you + know I am qualified, being able to read and to set a psalm.</p> + <p>"I fancy I shall be discharged very soon; and the moment I am, + unless I hear from you, I shall return to my old master's + country-seat, if it be only to see parson Adams, who is the best + man in the world. London is a bad place, and there is so little + good fellowship, that the next-door neighbours don't know one + another. Pray give my service to all friends that inquire for me. + So I rest</p> + <p>"Your loving brother,</p> + <p>"JOSEPH ANDREWS."</p> + <p>As soon as Joseph had sealed and directed this letter he walked + downstairs, where he met Mrs. Slipslop, with whom we shall take + this opportunity to bring the reader a little better acquainted. + She was a maiden gentlewoman of about forty-five years of age, who, + having made a small slip in her youth, had continued a good maid + ever since. She was not at this time remarkably handsome; being + very short, and rather too corpulent in body, and somewhat red, + with the addition of pimples in the face. Her nose was likewise + rather too large, and her eyes too little; nor did she resemble a + cow so much in her breath as in two brown globes which she carried + before her; one of her legs was also a little shorter than the + other, which occasioned her to limp as she walked. This fair + creature had long cast the eyes of affection on Joseph, in which + she had not met with quite so good success as she probably wished, + though, besides the allurements of her native charms, she had given + him tea, sweetmeats, wine, and many other delicacies, of which, by + keeping the keys, she had the absolute command. Joseph, however, + had not returned the least gratitude to all these favours, not even + so much as a kiss; though I would not insinuate she was so easily + to be satisfied; for surely then he would have been highly + blameable. The truth is, she was arrived at an age when she thought + she might indulge herself in any liberties with a man, without the + danger of bringing a third person into the world to betray them. + She imagined that by so long a self-denial she had not only made + amends for the small slip of her youth above hinted at, but had + likewise laid up a quantity of merit to excuse any future failings. + In a word, she resolved to give a loose to her amorous + inclinations, and to pay off the debt of pleasure which she found + she owed herself, as fast as possible.</p> + <p>With these charms of person, and in this disposition of mind, + she encountered poor Joseph at the bottom of the stairs, and asked + him if he would drink a glass of something good this morning. + Joseph, whose spirits were not a little cast down, very readily and + thankfully accepted the offer; and together they went into a + closet, where, having delivered him a full glass of ratafia, and + desired him to sit down, Mrs. Slipslop thus began:—</p> + <p>"Sure nothing can be a more simple contract in a woman than to + place her affections on a boy. If I had ever thought it would have + been my fate, I should have wished to die a thousand deaths rather + than live to see that day. If we like a man, the lightest hint + sophisticates. Whereas a boy proposes upon us to break through all + the regulations of modesty, before we can make any oppression upon + him." Joseph, who did not understand a word she said, answered, + "Yes, madam."—"Yes, madam!" replied Mrs. Slipslop with some + warmth, "Do you intend to result my passion? Is it not enough, + ungrateful as you are, to make no return to all the favours I have + done you; but you must treat me with ironing? Barbarous monster! + how have I deserved that my passion should be resulted and treated + with ironing?" "Madam," answered Joseph, "I don't understand your + hard words; but I am certain you have no occasion to call me + ungrateful, for, so far from intending you any wrong, I have always + loved you as well as if you had been my own mother." "How, sirrah!" + says Mrs. Slipslop in a rage; "your own mother? Do you assinuate + that I am old enough to be your mother? I don't know what a + stripling may think, but I believe a man would refer me to any + green-sickness silly girl whatsomdever: but I ought to despise you + rather than be angry with you, for referring the conversation of + girls to that of a woman of sense."—"Madam," says Joseph, "I + am sure I have always valued the honour you did me by your + conversation, for I know you are a woman of learning."—"Yes, + but, Joseph," said she, a little softened by the compliment to her + learning, "if you had a value for me, you certainly would have + found some method of showing it me; for I am convicted you must see + the value I have for you. Yes, Joseph, my eyes, whether I would or + no, must have declared a passion I cannot conquer.—Oh! + Joseph!"</p> + <p>As when a hungry tigress, who long has traversed the woods in + fruitless search, sees within the reach of her claws a lamb, she + prepares to leap on her prey; or as a voracious pike, of immense + size, surveys through the liquid element a roach or gudgeon, which + cannot escape her jaws, opens them wide to swallow the little fish; + so did Mrs. Slipslop prepare to lay her violent amorous hands on + the poor Joseph, when luckily her mistress's bell rung, and + delivered the intended martyr from her clutches. She was obliged to + leave him abruptly, and to defer the execution of her purpose till + some other time. We shall therefore return to the Lady Booby, and + give our reader some account of her behaviour, after she was left + by Joseph in a temper of mind not greatly different from that of + the inflamed Slipslop.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter7" name="book1chapter7">CHAPTER + VII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Sayings of wise men. A dialogue between the + lady and her maid; and a panegyric, or rather satire, on the + passion of love, in the sublime style.</em></p> + <p>It is the observation of some antient sage, whose name I have + forgot, that passions operate differently on the human mind, as + diseases on the body, in proportion to the strength or weakness, + soundness or rottenness, of the one and the other.</p> + <p>We hope, therefore, a judicious reader will give himself some + pains to observe, what we have so greatly laboured to describe, the + different operations of this passion of love in the gentle and + cultivated mind of the Lady Booby, from those which it effected in + the less polished and coarser disposition of Mrs Slipslop.</p> + <p>Another philosopher, whose name also at present escapes my + memory, hath somewhere said, that resolutions taken in the absence + of the beloved object are very apt to vanish in its presence; on + both which wise sayings the following chapter may serve as a + comment.</p> + <p>No sooner had Joseph left the room in the manner we have before + related than the lady, enraged at her disappointment, began to + reflect with severity on her conduct. Her love was now changed to + disdain, which pride assisted to torment her. She despised herself + for the meanness of her passion, and Joseph for its ill success. + However, she had now got the better of it in her own opinion, and + determined immediately to dismiss the object. After much tossing + and turning in her bed, and many soliloquies, which if we had no + better matter for our reader we would give him, she at last rung + the bell as above mentioned, and was presently attended by Mrs + Slipslop, who was not much better pleased with Joseph than the lady + herself.</p> + <p>"Slipslop," said Lady Booby, "when did you see Joseph?" The poor + woman was so surprized at the unexpected sound of his name at so + critical a time, that she had the greatest difficulty to conceal + the confusion she was under from her mistress; whom she answered, + nevertheless, with pretty good confidence, though not entirely void + of fear of suspicion, that she had not seen him that morning. "I am + afraid," said Lady Booby, "he is a wild young fellow."—"That + he is," said Slipslop, "and a wicked one too. To my knowledge he + games, drinks, swears, and fights eternally; besides, he is + horribly indicted to wenching."—"Ay!" said the lady, "I never + heard that of him."—"O madam!" answered the other, "he is so + lewd a rascal, that if your ladyship keeps him much longer, you + will not have one virgin in your house except myself. And yet I + can't conceive what the wenches see in him, to be so foolishly fond + as they are; in my eyes, he is as ugly a scarecrow as I ever + upheld."—"Nay," said the lady, "the boy is well + enough."—"La! ma'am," cries Slipslop, "I think him the + ragmaticallest fellow in the family."—"Sure, Slipslop," says + she, "you are mistaken: but which of the women do you most + suspect?"—"Madam," says Slipslop, "there is Betty the + chambermaid, I am almost convicted, is with child by + him."—"Ay!" says the lady, "then pray pay her her wages + instantly. I will keep no such sluts in my family. And as for + Joseph, you may discard him too."—"Would your ladyship have + him paid off immediately?" cries Slipslop, "for perhaps, when Betty + is gone he may mend: and really the boy is a good servant, and a + strong healthy luscious boy enough."—"This morning," + answered the lady with some vehemence. "I wish, madam," cries + Slipslop, "your ladyship would be so good as to try him a little + longer."—"I will not have my commands disputed," said the + lady; "sure you are not fond of him yourself?"—"I, madam!" + cries Slipslop, reddening, if not blushing, "I should be sorry to + think your ladyship had any reason to respect me of fondness for a + fellow; and if it be your pleasure, I shall fulfil it with as much + reluctance as possible."—"As little, I suppose you mean," + said the lady; "and so about it instantly." Mrs. Slipslop went out, + and the lady had scarce taken two turns before she fell to knocking + and ringing with great violence. Slipslop, who did not travel post + haste, soon returned, and was countermanded as to Joseph, but + ordered to send Betty about her business without delay. She went + out a second time with much greater alacrity than before; when the + lady began immediately to accuse herself of want of resolution, and + to apprehend the return of her affection, with its pernicious + consequences; she therefore applied herself again to the bell, and + re-summoned Mrs. Slipslop into her presence; who again returned, + and was told by her mistress that she had considered better of the + matter, and was absolutely resolved to turn away Joseph; which she + ordered her to do immediately. Slipslop, who knew the violence of + her lady's temper, and would not venture her place for any Adonis + or Hercules in the universe, left her a third time; which she had + no sooner done, than the little god Cupid, fearing he had not yet + done the lady's business, took a fresh arrow with the sharpest + point out of his quiver, and shot it directly into her heart; in + other and plainer language, the lady's passion got the better of + her reason. She called back Slipslop once more, and told her she + had resolved to see the boy, and examine him herself; therefore bid + her send him up. This wavering in her mistress's temper probably + put something into the waiting-gentlewoman's head not necessary to + mention to the sagacious reader.</p> + <p>Lady Booby was going to call her back again, but could not + prevail with herself. The next consideration therefore was, how she + should behave to Joseph when he came in. She resolved to preserve + all the dignity of the woman of fashion to her servant, and to + indulge herself in this last view of Joseph (for that she was most + certainly resolved it should be) at his own expense, by first + insulting and then discarding him.</p> + <p>O Love, what monstrous tricks dost thou play with thy votaries + of both sexes! How dost thou deceive them, and make them deceive + themselves! Their follies are thy delight! Their sighs make thee + laugh, and their pangs are thy merriment!</p> + <p>Not the great Rich, who turns men into monkeys, wheel-barrows, + and whatever else best humours his fancy, hath so strangely + metamorphosed the human shape; nor the great Cibber, who confounds + all number, gender, and breaks through every rule of grammar at his + will, hath so distorted the English language as thou dost + metamorphose and distort the human senses.</p> + <p>Thou puttest out our eyes, stoppest up our ears, and takest away + the power of our nostrils; so that we can neither see the largest + object, hear the loudest noise, nor smell the most poignant + perfume. Again, when thou pleasest, thou canst make a molehill + appear as a mountain, a Jew's-harp sound like a trumpet, and a + daisy smell like a violet. Thou canst make cowardice brave, avarice + generous, pride humble, and cruelty tender-hearted. In short, thou + turnest the heart of man inside out, as a juggler doth a petticoat, + and bringest whatsoever pleaseth thee out from it. If there be any + one who doubts all this, let him read the next chapter.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter8" name="book1chapter8">CHAPTER + VIII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>In which, after some very fine writing, the + history goes on, and relates the interview between the lady and + Joseph; where the latter hath set an example which we despair of + seeing followed by his sex in this vicious age.</em></p> + <p>Now the rake Hesperus had called for his breeches, and, having + well rubbed his drowsy eyes, prepared to dress himself for all + night; by whose example his brother rakes on earth likewise leave + those beds in which they had slept away the day. Now Thetis, the + good housewife, began to put on the pot, in order to regale the + good man Phoebus after his daily labours were over. In vulgar + language, it was in the evening when Joseph attended his lady's + orders.</p> + <p>But as it becomes us to preserve the character of this lady, who + is the heroine of our tale; and as we have naturally a wonderful + tenderness for that beautiful part of the human species called the + fair sex; before we discover too much of her frailty to our reader, + it will be proper to give him a lively idea of the vast temptation, + which overcame all the efforts of a modest and virtuous mind; and + then we humbly hope his good nature will rather pity than condemn + the imperfection of human virtue.</p> + <p>Nay, the ladies themselves will, we hope, be induced, by + considering the uncommon variety of charms which united in this + young man's person, to bridle their rampant passion for chastity, + and be at least as mild as their violent modesty and virtue will + permit them, in censuring the conduct of a woman who, perhaps, was + in her own disposition as chaste as those pure and sanctified + virgins who, after a life innocently spent in the gaieties of the + town, begin about fifty to attend twice <em>per diem</em> at the + polite churches and chapels, to return thanks for the grace which + preserved them formerly amongst beaus from temptations perhaps less + powerful than what now attacked the Lady Booby.</p> + <p>Mr Joseph Andrews was now in the one-and-twentieth year of his + age. He was of the highest degree of middle stature; his limbs were + put together with great elegance, and no less strength; his legs + and thighs were formed in the exactest proportion; his shoulders + were broad and brawny, but yet his arm hung so easily, that he had + all the symptoms of strength without the least clumsiness. His hair + was of a nut-brown colour, and was displayed in wanton ringlets + down his back; his forehead was high, his eyes dark, and as full of + sweetness as of fire; his nose a little inclined to the Roman; his + teeth white and even; his lips full, red, and soft; his beard was + only rough on his chin and upper lip; but his cheeks, in which his + blood glowed, were overspread with a thick down; his countenance + had a tenderness joined with a sensibility inexpressible. Add to + this the most perfect neatness in his dress, and an air which, to + those who have not seen many noblemen, would give an idea of + nobility.</p> + <p class="figure"><a id="figure2" name="figure2"></a> <img + src="images/figure2.png" width="100%" alt="" /><br /> + "Joseph, I am sorry to hear such complaints against you."</p> + <p>Such was the person who now appeared before the lady. She viewed + him some time in silence, and twice or thrice before she spake + changed her mind as to the manner in which she should begin. At + length she said to him, "Joseph, I am sorry to hear such complaints + against you: I am told you behave so rudely to the maids, that they + cannot do their business in quiet; I mean those who are not wicked + enough to hearken to your solicitations. As to others, they may, + perhaps, not call you rude; for there are wicked sluts who make one + ashamed of one's own sex, and are as ready to admit any nauseous + familiarity as fellows to offer it: nay, there are such in my + family, but they shall not stay in it; that impudent trollop who is + with child by you is discharged by this time."</p> + <p>As a person who is struck through the heart with a thunderbolt + looks extremely surprised, nay, and perhaps is so too—thus + the poor Joseph received the false accusation of his mistress; he + blushed and looked confounded, which she misinterpreted to be + symptoms of his guilt, and thus went on:—</p> + <p>"Come hither, Joseph: another mistress might discard you for + these offences; but I have a compassion for your youth, and if I + could be certain you would be no more guilty—Consider, + child," laying her hand carelessly upon his, "you are a handsome + young fellow, and might do better; you might make your fortune." + "Madam," said Joseph, "I do assure your ladyship I don't know + whether any maid in the house is man or woman." "Oh fie! Joseph," + answered the lady, "don't commit another crime in denying the + truth. I could pardon the first; but I hate a lyar." "Madam," cries + Joseph, "I hope your ladyship will not be offended at my asserting + my innocence; for, by all that is sacred, I have never offered more + than kissing." "Kissing!" said the lady, with great discomposure of + countenance, and more redness in her cheeks than anger in her eyes; + "do you call that no crime? Kissing, Joseph, is as a prologue to a + play. Can I believe a young fellow of your age and complexion will + be content with kissing? No, Joseph, there is no woman who grants + that but will grant more; and I am deceived greatly in you if you + would not put her closely to it. What would you think, Joseph, if I + admitted you to kiss me?" Joseph replied he would sooner die than + have any such thought. "And yet, Joseph," returned she, "ladies + have admitted their footmen to such familiarities; and footmen, I + confess to you, much less deserving them; fellows without half your + charms—for such might almost excuse the crime. Tell me + therefore, Joseph, if I should admit you to such freedom, what + would you think of me?—tell me freely." "Madam," said Joseph, + "I should think your ladyship condescended a great deal below + yourself." "Pugh!" said she; "that I am to answer to myself: but + would not you insist on more? Would you be contented with a kiss? + Would not your inclinations be all on fire rather by such a + favour?" "Madam," said Joseph, "if they were, I hope I should be + able to controul them, without suffering them to get the better of + my virtue." You have heard, reader, poets talk of the statue of + Surprize; you have heard likewise, or else you have heard very + little, how Surprize made one of the sons of Croesus speak, though + he was dumb. You have seen the faces, in the eighteen-penny + gallery, when, through the trap-door, to soft or no music, Mr. + Bridgewater, Mr. William Mills, or some other of ghostly + appearance, hath ascended, with a face all pale with powder, and a + shirt all bloody with ribbons;—but from none of these, nor + from Phidias or Praxiteles, if they should return to life—no, + not from the inimitable pencil of my friend Hogarth, could you + receive such an idea of surprize as would have entered in at your + eyes had they beheld the Lady Booby when those last words issued + out from the lips of Joseph. "Your virtue!" said the lady, + recovering after a silence of two minutes; "I shall never survive + it. Your virtue!—intolerable confidence! Have you the + assurance to pretend, that when a lady demeans herself to throw + aside the rules of decency, in order to honour you with the highest + favour in her power, your virtue should resist her inclination? + that, when she had conquered her own virtue, she should find an + obstruction in yours?" "Madam," said Joseph, "I can't see why her + having no virtue should be a reason against my having any; or why, + because I am a man, or because I am poor, my virtue must be + subservient to her pleasures." "I am out of patience," cries the + lady: "did ever mortal hear of a man's virtue? Did ever the + greatest or the gravest men pretend to any of this kind? Will + magistrates who punish lewdness, or parsons who preach against it, + make any scruple of committing it? And can a boy, a stripling, have + the confidence to talk of his virtue?" "Madam," says Joseph, "that + boy is the brother of Pamela, and would be ashamed that the + chastity of his family, which is preserved in her, should be + stained in him. If there are such men as your ladyship mentions, I + am sorry for it; and I wish they had an opportunity of reading over + those letters which my father hath sent me of my sister Pamela's; + nor do I doubt but such an example would amend them." "You impudent + villain!" cries the lady in a rage; "do you insult me with the + follies of my relation, who hath exposed himself all over the + country upon your sister's account? a little vixen, whom I have + always wondered my late Lady Booby ever kept in her house. Sirrah! + get out of my sight, and prepare to set out this night; for I will + order you your wages immediately, and you shall be stripped and + turned away." "Madam," says Joseph, "I am sorry I have offended + your ladyship, I am sure I never intended it." "Yes, sirrah," cries + she, "you have had the vanity to misconstrue the little innocent + freedom I took, in order to try whether what I had heard was true. + O' my conscience, you have had the assurance to imagine I was fond + of you myself." Joseph answered, he had only spoke out of + tenderness for his virtue; at which words she flew into a violent + passion, and refusing to hear more, ordered him instantly to leave + the room.</p> + <p>He was no sooner gone than she burst forth into the following + exclamation:—"Whither doth this violent passion hurry us? + What meannesses do we submit to from its impulse! Wisely we resist + its first and least approaches; for it is then only we can assure + ourselves the victory. No woman could ever safely say, so far only + will I go. Have I not exposed myself to the refusal of my footman? + I cannot bear the reflection." Upon which she applied herself to + the bell, and rung it with infinite more violence than was + necessary—the faithful Slipslop attending near at hand: to + say the truth, she had conceived a suspicion at her last interview + with her mistress, and had waited ever since in the antechamber, + having carefully applied her ears to the keyhole during the whole + time that the preceding conversation passed between Joseph and the + lady.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter9" name="book1chapter9">CHAPTER IX.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>What passed between the lady and Mrs + Slipslop; in which we prophesy there are some strokes which every + one will not truly comprehend at the first reading.</em></p> + <p>"Slipslop," said the lady, "I find too much reason to believe + all thou hast told me of this wicked Joseph; I have determined to + part with him instantly; so go you to the steward, and bid him pay + his wages." Slipslop, who had preserved hitherto a distance to her + lady—rather out of necessity than inclination—and who + thought the knowledge of this secret had thrown down all + distinction between them, answered her mistress very + pertly—"She wished she knew her own mind; and that she was + certain she would call her back again before she was got half-way + downstairs." The lady replied, she had taken a resolution, and was + resolved to keep it. "I am sorry for it," cries Slipslop, "and, if + I had known you would have punished the poor lad so severely, you + should never have heard a particle of the matter. Here's a fuss + indeed about nothing!" "Nothing!" returned my lady; "do you think I + will countenance lewdness in my house?" "If you will turn away + every footman," said Slipslop, "that is a lover of the sport, you + must soon open the coach door yourself, or get a set of mophrodites + to wait upon you; and I am sure I hated the sight of them even + singing in an opera." "Do as I bid you," says my lady, "and don't + shock my ears with your beastly language." "Marry-come-up," cries + Slipslop, "people's ears are sometimes the nicest part about + them."</p> + <p>The lady, who began to admire the new style in which her + waiting-gentlewoman delivered herself, and by the conclusion of her + speech suspected somewhat of the truth, called her back, and + desired to know what she meant by the extraordinary degree of + freedom in which she thought proper to indulge her tongue. + "Freedom!" says Slipslop; "I don't know what you call freedom, + madam; servants have tongues as well as their mistresses." "Yes, + and saucy ones too," answered the lady; "but I assure you I shall + bear no such impertinence." "Impertinence! I don't know that I am + impertinent," says Slipslop. "Yes, indeed you are," cries my lady, + "and, unless you mend your manners, this house is no place for + you." "Manners!" cries Slipslop; "I never was thought to want + manners nor modesty neither; and for places, there are more places + than one; and I know what I know." "What do you know, mistress?" + answered the lady. "I am not obliged to tell that to everybody," + says Slipslop, "any more than I am obliged to keep it a secret." "I + desire you would provide yourself," answered the lady. "With all my + heart," replied the waiting-gentlewoman; and so departed in a + passion, and slapped the door after her.</p> + <p>The lady too plainly perceived that her waiting-gentlewoman knew + more than she would willingly have had her acquainted with; and + this she imputed to Joseph's having discovered to her what passed + at the first interview. This, therefore, blew up her rage against + him, and confirmed her in a resolution of parting with him.</p> + <p>But the dismissing Mrs Slipslop was a point not so easily to be + resolved upon. She had the utmost tenderness for her reputation, as + she knew on that depended many of the most valuable blessings of + life; particularly cards, making curtsies in public places, and, + above all, the pleasure of demolishing the reputations of others, + in which innocent amusement she had an extraordinary delight. She + therefore determined to submit to any insult from a servant, rather + than run a risque of losing the title to so many great + privileges.</p> + <p>She therefore sent for her steward, Mr Peter Pounce, and ordered + him to pay Joseph his wages, to strip off his livery, and to turn + him out of the house that evening.</p> + <p>She then called Slipslop up, and, after refreshing her spirits + with a small cordial, which she kept in her corset, she began in + the following manner:—</p> + <p>"Slipslop, why will you, who know my passionate temper, attempt + to provoke me by your answers? I am convinced you are an honest + servant, and should be very unwilling to part with you. I believe, + likewise, you have found me an indulgent mistress on many + occasions, and have as little reason on your side to desire a + change. I can't help being surprized, therefore, that you will take + the surest method to offend me—I mean, repeating my words, + which you know I have always detested."</p> + <p>The prudent waiting-gentlewoman had duly weighed the whole + matter, and found, on mature deliberation, that a good place in + possession was better than one in expectation. As she found her + mistress, therefore, inclined to relent, she thought proper also to + put on some small condescension, which was as readily accepted; and + so the affair was reconciled, all offences forgiven, and a present + of a gown and petticoat made her, as an instance of her lady's + future favour.</p> + <p>She offered once or twice to speak in favour of Joseph; but + found her lady's heart so obdurate, that she prudently dropt all + such efforts. She considered there were more footmen in the house, + and some as stout fellows, though not quite so handsome, as Joseph; + besides, the reader hath already seen her tender advances had not + met with the encouragement she might have reasonable expected. She + thought she had thrown away a great deal of sack and sweetmeats on + an ungrateful rascal; and, being a little inclined to the opinion + of that female sect, who hold one lusty young fellow to be nearly + as good as another lusty young fellow, she at last gave up Joseph + and his cause, and, with a triumph over her passion highly + commendable, walked off with her present, and with great + tranquillity paid a visit to a stone-bottle, which is of sovereign + use to a philosophical temper.</p> + <p>She left not her mistress so easy. The poor lady could not + reflect without agony that her dear reputation was in the power of + her servants. All her comfort as to Joseph was, that she hoped he + did not understand her meaning; at least she could say for herself, + she had not plainly expressed anything to him; and as to Mrs + Slipslop, she imagines she could bribe her to secrecy.</p> + <p>But what hurt her most was, that in reality she had not so + entirely conquered her passion; the little god lay lurking in her + heart, though anger and distain so hood-winked her, that she could + not see him. She was a thousand times on the very brink of revoking + the sentence she had passed against the poor youth. Love became his + advocate, and whispered many things in his favour. Honour likewise + endeavoured to vindicate his crime, and Pity to mitigate his + punishment. On the other side, Pride and Revenge spoke as loudly + against him. And thus the poor lady was tortured with perplexity, + opposite passions distracting and tearing her mind different + ways.</p> + <p>So have I seen, in the hall of Westminster, where Serjeant + Bramble hath been retained on the right side, and Serjeant Puzzle + on the left, the balance of opinion (so equal were their fees) + alternately incline to either scale. Now Bramble throws in an + argument, and Puzzle's scale strikes the beam; again Bramble shares + the like fate, overpowered by the weight of Puzzle. Here Bramble + hits, there Puzzle strikes; here one has you, there t'other has + you; till at last all becomes one scene of confusion in the + tortured minds of the hearers; equal wagers are laid on the + success, and neither judge nor jury can possibly make anything of + the matter; all things are so enveloped by the careful serjeants in + doubt and obscurity.</p> + <p>Or, as it happens in the conscience, where honour and honesty + pull one way, and a bribe and necessity another.—If it was + our present business only to make similes, we could produce many + more to this purpose; but a simile (as well as a word) to the + wise.—We shall therefore see a little after our hero, for + whom the reader is doubtless in some pain.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter10" name="book1chapter10">CHAPTER + X.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Joseph writes another letter: his + transactions with Mr Peter Pounce, &c., with his departure from + Lady Booby.</em></p> + <p>The disconsolate Joseph would not have had an understanding + sufficient for the principal subject of such a book as this, if he + had any longer misunderstood the drift of his mistress; and indeed, + that he did not discern it sooner, the reader will be pleased to + impute to an unwillingness in him to discover what he must condemn + in her as a fault. Having therefore quitted her presence, he + retired into his own garret, and entered himself into an + ejaculation on the numberless calamities which attended beauty, and + the misfortune it was to be handsomer than one's neighbours.</p> + <p>He then sat down, and addressed himself to his sister Pamela in + the following words:—</p> + <p>"Dear Sister Pamela,—Hoping you are well, what news have I + to tell you! O Pamela! my mistress is fallen in love with me-that + is, what great folks call falling in love-she has a mind to ruin + me; but I hope I shall have more resolution and more grace than to + part with my virtue to any lady upon earth.</p> + <p>"Mr Adams hath often told me, that chastity is as great a virtue + in a man as in a woman. He says he never knew any more than his + wife, and I shall endeavour to follow his example. Indeed, it is + owing entirely to his excellent sermons and advice, together with + your letters, that I have been able to resist a temptation, which, + he says, no man complies with, but he repents in this world, or is + damned for it in the next; and why should I trust to repentance on + my deathbed, since I may die in my sleep? What fine things are good + advice and good examples! But I am glad she turned me out of the + chamber as she did: for I had once almost forgotten every word + parson Adams had ever said to me.</p> + <p>"I don't doubt, dear sister, but you will have grace to preserve + your virtue against all trials; and I beg you earnestly to pray I + may be enabled to preserve mine; for truly it is very severely + attacked by more than one; but I hope I shall copy your example, + and that of Joseph my namesake, and maintain my virtue against all + temptations."</p> + <p>Joseph had not finished his letter, when he was summoned + downstairs by Mr Peter Pounce, to receive his wages; for, besides + that out of eight pounds a year he allowed his father and mother + four, he had been obliged, in order to furnish himself with musical + instruments, to apply to the generosity of the aforesaid Peter, + who, on urgent occasions, used to advance the servants their wages: + not before they were due, but before they were payable; that is, + perhaps, half a year after they were due; and this at the moderate + premium of fifty per cent, or a little more: by which charitable + methods, together with lending money to other people, and even to + his own master and mistress, the honest man had, from nothing, in a + few years amassed a small sum of twenty thousand pounds or + thereabouts.</p> + <p>Joseph having received his little remainder of wages, and having + stript off his livery, was forced to borrow a frock and breeches of + one of the servants (for he was so beloved in the family, that they + would all have lent him anything): and, being told by Peter that he + must not stay a moment longer in the house than was necessary to + pack up his linen, which he easily did in a very narrow compass, he + took a melancholy leave of his fellow-servants, and set out at + seven in the evening.</p> + <p>He had proceeded the length of two or three streets, before he + absolutely determined with himself whether he should leave the town + that night, or, procuring a lodging, wait till the morning. At + last, the moon shining very bright helped him to come to a + resolution of beginning his journey immediately, to which likewise + he had some other inducements; which the reader, without being a + conjurer, cannot possibly guess, till we have given him those hints + which it may be now proper to open.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter11" name="book1chapter11">CHAPTER + XI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Of several new matters not + expected.</em></p> + <p>It is an observation sometimes made, that to indicate our idea + of a simple fellow, we say, he is easily to be seen through: nor do + I believe it a more improper denotation of a simple book. Instead + of applying this to any particular performance, we chuse rather to + remark the contrary in this history, where the scene opens itself + by small degrees; and he is a sagacious reader who can see two + chapters before him.</p> + <p>For this reason, we have not hitherto hinted a matter which now + seems necessary to be explained; since it may be wondered at, + first, that Joseph made such extraordinary haste out of town, which + hath been already shewn; and secondly, which will be now shewn, + that, instead of proceeding to the habitation of his father and + mother, or to his beloved sister Pamela, he chose rather to set out + full speed to the Lady Booby's country-seat, which he had left on + his journey to London.</p> + <p>Be it known, then, that in the same parish where this seat stood + there lived a young girl whom Joseph (though the best of sons and + brothers) longed more impatiently to see than his parents or his + sister. She was a poor girl, who had formerly been bred up in Sir + John's family; whence, a little before the journey to London, she + had been discarded by Mrs Slipslop, on account of her extraordinary + beauty: for I never could find any other reason.</p> + <p>This young creature (who now lived with a farmer in the parish) + had been always beloved by Joseph, and returned his affection. She + was two years only younger than our hero. They had been acquainted + from their infancy, and had conceived a very early liking for each + other; which had grown to such a degree of affection, that Mr Adams + had with much ado prevented them from marrying, and persuaded them + to wait till a few years' service and thrift had a little improved + their experience, and enabled them to live comfortably + together.</p> + <p>They followed this good man's advice, as indeed his word was + little less than a law in his parish; for as he had shown his + parishioners, by an uniform behaviour of thirty-five years' + duration, that he had their good entirely at heart, so they + consulted him on every occasion, and very seldom acted contrary to + his opinion.</p> + <p>Nothing can be imagined more tender than was the parting between + these two lovers. A thousand sighs heaved the bosom of Joseph, a + thousand tears distilled from the lovely eyes of Fanny (for that + was her name). Though her modesty would only suffer her to admit + his eager kisses, her violent love made her more than passive in + his embraces; and she often pulled him to her breast with a soft + pressure, which though perhaps it would not have squeezed an insect + to death, caused more emotion in the heart of Joseph than the + closest Cornish hug could have done.</p> + <p>The reader may perhaps wonder that so fond a pair should, during + a twelvemonth's absence, never converse with one another: indeed, + there was but one reason which did or could have prevented them; + and this was, that poor Fanny could neither write nor read: nor + could she be prevailed upon to transmit the delicacies of her + tender and chaste passion by the hands of an amanuensis.</p> + <p>They contented themselves therefore with frequent inquiries + after each other's health, with a mutual confidence in each other's + fidelity, and the prospect of their future happiness.</p> + <p>Having explained these matters to our reader, and, as far as + possible, satisfied all his doubts, we return to honest Joseph, + whom we left just set out on his travels by the light of the + moon.</p> + <p>Those who have read any romance or poetry, antient or modern, + must have been informed that love hath wings: by which they are not + to understand, as some young ladies by mistake have done, that a + lover can fly; the writers, by this ingenious allegory, intending + to insinuate no more than that lovers do not march like + horse-guards; in short, that they put the best leg foremost; which + our lusty youth, who could walk with any man, did so heartily on + this occasion, that within four hours he reached a famous house of + hospitality well known to the western traveller. It presents you a + lion on the sign-post: and the master, who was christened + Timotheus, is commonly called plain Tim. Some have conceived that + he hath particularly chosen the lion for his sign, as he doth in + countenance greatly resemble that magnanimous beast, though his + disposition savours more of the sweetness of the lamb. He is a + person well received among all sorts of men, being qualified to + render himself agreeable to any; as he is well versed in history + and politics, hath a smattering in law and divinity, cracks a good + jest, and plays wonderfully well on the French horn.</p> + <p>A violent storm of hail forced Joseph to take shelter in this + inn, where he remembered Sir Thomas had dined in his way to town. + Joseph had no sooner seated himself by the kitchen fire than + Timotheus, observing his livery, began to condole the loss of his + late master; who was, he said, his very particular and intimate + acquaintance, with whom he had cracked many a merry bottle, ay many + a dozen, in his time. He then remarked, that all these things were + over now, all passed, and just as if they had never been; and + concluded with an excellent observation on the certainty of death, + which his wife said was indeed very true. A fellow now arrived at + the same inn with two horses, one of which he was leading farther + down into the country to meet his master; these he put into the + stable, and came and took his place by Joseph's side, who + immediately knew him to be the servant of a neighbouring gentleman, + who used to visit at their house.</p> + <p>This fellow was likewise forced in by the storm; for he had + orders to go twenty miles farther that evening, and luckily on the + same road which Joseph himself intended to take. He, therefore, + embraced this opportunity of complimenting his friend with his + master's horse (notwithstanding he had received express commands to + the contrary), which was readily accepted; and so, after they had + drank a loving pot, and the storm was over, they set out + together.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter12" name="book1chapter12">CHAPTER + XII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Containing many surprizing adventures which + Joseph Andrews met with on the road, scarce credible to those who + have never travelled in a stage-coach.</em></p> + <p>Nothing remarkable happened on the road till their arrival at + the inn to which the horses were ordered; whither they came about + two in the morning. The moon then shone very bright; and Joseph, + making his friend a present of a pint of wine, and thanking him for + the favour of his horse, notwithstanding all entreaties to the + contrary, proceeded on his journey on foot.</p> + <p>He had not gone above two miles, charmed with the hope of + shortly seeing his beloved Fanny, when he was met by two fellows in + a narrow lane, and ordered to stand and deliver. He readily gave + them all the money he had, which was somewhat less than two pounds; + and told them he hoped they would be so generous as to return him a + few shillings, to defray his charges on his way home.</p> + <p>One of the ruffians answered with an oath, "Yes, we'll give you + something presently: but first strip and be d—n'd to + you."—"Strip," cried the other, "or I'll blow your brains to + the devil." Joseph, remembering that he had borrowed his coat and + breeches of a friend, and that he should be ashamed of making any + excuse for not returning them, replied, he hoped they would not + insist on his clothes, which were not worth much, but consider the + coldness of the night. "You are cold, are you, you rascal?" said + one of the robbers: "I'll warm you with a vengeance;" and, damning + his eyes, snapped a pistol at his head; which he had no sooner done + than the other levelled a blow at him with his stick, which Joseph, + who was expert at cudgel-playing, caught with his, and returned the + favour so successfully on his adversary, that he laid him sprawling + at his feet, and at the same instant received a blow from behind, + with the butt end of a pistol, from the other villain, which felled + him to the ground, and totally deprived him of his senses.</p> + <p>The thief who had been knocked down had now recovered himself; + and both together fell to belabouring poor Joseph with their + sticks, till they were convinced they had put an end to his + miserable being: they then stripped him entirely naked, threw him + into a ditch, and departed with their booty.</p> + <p>The poor wretch, who lay motionless a long time, just began to + recover his senses as a stage-coach came by. The postillion, + hearing a man's groans, stopt his horses, and told the coachman he + was certain there was a dead man lying in the ditch, for he heard + him groan. "Go on, sirrah," says the coachman; "we are confounded + late, and have no time to look after dead men." A lady, who heard + what the postillion said, and likewise heard the groan, called + eagerly to the coachman to stop and see what was the matter. Upon + which he bid the postillion alight, and look into the ditch. He did + so, and returned, "that there was a man sitting upright, as naked + as ever he was born."—"O J—sus!" cried the lady; "a + naked man! Dear coachman, drive on and leave him." Upon this the + gentlemen got out of the coach; and Joseph begged them to have + mercy upon him: for that he had been robbed and almost beaten to + death. "Robbed!" cries an old gentleman: "let us make all the haste + imaginable, or we shall be robbed too." A young man who belonged to + the law answered, "He wished they had passed by without taking any + notice; but that now they might be proved to have been last in his + company; if he should die they might be called to some account for + his murder. He therefore thought it advisable to save the poor + creature's life, for their own sakes, if possible; at least, if he + died, to prevent the jury's finding that they fled for it. He was + therefore of opinion to take the man into the coach, and carry him + to the next inn." The lady insisted, "That he should not come into + the coach. That if they lifted him in, she would herself alight: + for she had rather stay in that place to all eternity than ride + with a naked man." The coachman objected, "That he could not suffer + him to be taken in unless somebody would pay a shilling for his + carriage the four miles." Which the two gentlemen refused to do. + But the lawyer, who was afraid of some mischief happening to + himself, if the wretch was left behind in that condition, saying no + man could be too cautious in these matters, and that he remembered + very extraordinary cases in the books, threatened the coachman, and + bid him deny taking him up at his peril; for that, if he died, he + should be indicted for his murder; and if he lived, and brought an + action against him, he would willingly take a brief in it. These + words had a sensible effect on the coachman, who was well + acquainted with the person who spoke them; and the old gentleman + above mentioned, thinking the naked man would afford him frequent + opportunities of showing his wit to the lady, offered to join with + the company in giving a mug of beer for his fare; till, partly + alarmed by the threats of the one, and partly by the promises of + the other, and being perhaps a little moved with compassion at the + poor creature's condition, who stood bleeding and shivering with + the cold, he at length agreed; and Joseph was now advancing to the + coach, where, seeing the lady, who held the sticks of her fan + before her eyes, he absolutely refused, miserable as he was, to + enter, unless he was furnished with sufficient covering to prevent + giving the least offence to decency—so perfectly modest was + this young man; such mighty effects had the spotless example of the + amiable Pamela, and the excellent sermons of Mr Adams, wrought upon + him.</p> + <p>Though there were several greatcoats about the coach, it was not + easy to get over this difficulty which Joseph had started. The two + gentlemen complained they were cold, and could not spare a rag; the + man of wit saying, with a laugh, that charity began at home; and + the coachman, who had two greatcoats spread under him, refused to + lend either, lest they should be made bloody: the lady's footman + desired to be excused for the same reason, which the lady herself, + notwithstanding her abhorrence of a naked man, approved: and it is + more than probable poor Joseph, who obstinately adhered to his + modest resolution, must have perished, unless the postillion (a lad + who hath been since transported for robbing a hen-roost) had + voluntarily stript off a greatcoat, his only garment, at the same + time swearing a great oath (for which he was rebuked by the + passengers), "that he would rather ride in his shirt all his life + than suffer a fellow-creature to lie in so miserable a + condition."</p> + <p>Joseph, having put on the greatcoat, was lifted into the coach, + which now proceeded on its journey. He declared himself almost dead + with the cold, which gave the man of wit an occasion to ask the + lady if she could not accommodate him with a dram. She answered, + with some resentment, "She wondered at his asking her such a + question; but assured him she never tasted any such thing."</p> + <p>The lawyer was inquiring into the circumstances of the robbery, + when the coach stopt, and one of the ruffians, putting a pistol in, + demanded their money of the passengers, who readily gave it them; + and the lady, in her fright, delivered up a little silver bottle, + of about a half-pint size, which the rogue, clapping it to his + mouth, and drinking her health, declared, held some of the best + Nantes he had ever tasted: this the lady afterwards assured the + company was the mistake of her maid, for that she had ordered her + to fill the bottle with Hungary-water.</p> + <p>As soon as the fellows were departed, the lawyer, who had, it + seems, a case of pistols in the seat of the coach, informed the + company, that if it had been daylight, and he could have come at + his pistols, he would not have submitted to the robbery: he + likewise set forth that he had often met highwaymen when he + travelled on horseback, but none ever durst attack him; concluding + that, if he had not been more afraid for the lady than for himself, + he should not have now parted with his money so easily.</p> + <p>As wit is generally observed to love to reside in empty pockets, + so the gentleman whose ingenuity we have above remarked, as soon as + he had parted with his money, began to grow wonderfully facetious. + He made frequent allusions to Adam and Eve, and said many excellent + things on figs and fig-leaves; which perhaps gave more offence to + Joseph than to any other in the company.</p> + <p>The lawyer likewise made several very pretty jests without + departing from his profession. He said, "If Joseph and the lady + were alone, he would be more capable of making a conveyance to her, + as his affairs were not fettered with any incumbrance; he'd warrant + he soon suffered a recovery by a writ of entry, which was the + proper way to create heirs in tail; that, for his own part, he + would engage to make so firm a settlement in a coach, that there + should be no danger of an ejectment," with an inundation of the + like gibberish, which he continued to vent till the coach arrived + at an inn, where one servant-maid only was up, in readiness to + attend the coachman, and furnish him with cold meat and a dram. + Joseph desired to alight, and that he might have a bed prepared for + him, which the maid readily promised to perform; and, being a + good-natured wench, and not so squeamish as the lady had been, she + clapt a large fagot on the fire, and, furnishing Joseph with a + greatcoat belonging to one of the hostlers, desired him to sit down + and warm himself whilst she made his bed. The coachman, in the + meantime, took an opportunity to call up a surgeon, who lived + within a few doors; after which, he reminded his passengers how + late they were, and, after they had taken leave of Joseph, hurried + them off as fast as he could.</p> + <p>The wench soon got Joseph to bed, and promised to use her + interest to borrow him a shirt; but imagining, as she afterwards + said, by his being so bloody, that he must be a dead man, she ran + with all speed to hasten the surgeon, who was more than half drest, + apprehending that the coach had been overturned, and some gentleman + or lady hurt. As soon as the wench had informed him at his window + that it was a poor foot-passenger who had been stripped of all he + had, and almost murdered, he chid her for disturbing him so early, + slipped off his clothes again, and very quietly returned to bed and + to sleep.</p> + <p>Aurora now began to shew her blooming cheeks over the hills, + whilst ten millions of feathered songsters, in jocund chorus, + repeated odes a thousand times sweeter than those of our laureat, + and sung both the day and the song; when the master of the inn, Mr + Tow-wouse, arose, and learning from his maid an account of the + robbery, and the situation of his poor naked guest, he shook his + head, and cried, "good-lack-a-day!" and then ordered the girl to + carry him one of his own shirts.</p> + <p>Mrs Tow-wouse was just awake, and had stretched out her arms in + vain to fold her departed husband, when the maid entered the room. + "Who's there? Betty?"—"Yes, madam."—"Where's your + master?"—"He's without, madam; he hath sent me for a shirt to + lend a poor naked man, who hath been robbed and + murdered."—"Touch one if you dare, you slut," said Mrs + Tow-wouse: "your master is a pretty sort of a man, to take in naked + vagabonds, and clothe them with his own clothes. I shall have no + such doings. If you offer to touch anything, I'll throw the + chamber-pot at your head. Go, send your master to me."—"Yes, + madam," answered Betty. As soon as he came in, she thus began: + "What the devil do you mean by this, Mr Tow-wouse? Am I to buy + shirts to lend to a set of scabby rascals?"—"My dear," said + Mr Tow-wouse, "this is a poor wretch."—"Yes," says she, "I + know it is a poor wretch; but what the devil have we to do with + poor wretches? The law makes us provide for too many already. We + shall have thirty or forty poor wretches in red coats + shortly."—"My dear," cries Tow-wouse, "this man hath been + robbed of all he hath."—"Well then," said she, "where's his + money to pay his reckoning? Why doth not such a fellow go to an + alehouse? I shall send him packing as soon as I am up, I assure + you."—"My dear," said he, "common charity won't suffer you to + do that."—"Common charity, a f—t!" says she, "common + charity teaches us to provide for ourselves and our families; and I + and mine won't be ruined by your charity, I assure + you."—"Well," says he, "my dear, do as you will, when you are + up; you know I never contradict you."—"No," says she; "if the + devil was to contradict me, I would make the house too hot to hold + him."</p> + <p>With such like discourses they consumed near half-an-hour, + whilst Betty provided a shirt from the hostler, who was one of her + sweethearts, and put it on poor Joseph. The surgeon had likewise at + last visited him, and washed and drest his wounds, and was now come + to acquaint Mr Tow-wouse that his guest was in such extreme danger + of his life, that he scarce saw any hopes of his recovery. "Here's + a pretty kettle of fish," cries Mrs Tow-wouse, "you have brought + upon us! We are like to have a funeral at our own expense." + Tow-wouse (who, notwithstanding his charity, would have given his + vote as freely as ever he did at an election, that any other house + in the kingdom should have quiet possession of his guest) answered, + "My dear, I am not to blame; he was brought hither by the + stage-coach, and Betty had put him to bed before I was + stirring."—"I'll Betty her," says she.—At which, with + half her garments on, the other half under her arm, she sallied out + in quest of the unfortunate Betty, whilst Tow-wouse and the surgeon + went to pay a visit to poor Joseph, and inquire into the + circumstances of this melancholy affair.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter13" name="book1chapter13">CHAPTER + XIII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>What happened to Joseph during his sickness + at the inn, with the curious discourse between him and Mr Barnabas, + the parson of the parish.</em></p> + <p>As soon as Joseph had communicated a particular history of the + robbery, together with a short account of himself, and his intended + journey, he asked the surgeon if he apprehended him to be in any + danger: to which the surgeon very honestly answered, "He feared he + was; for that his pulse was very exalted and feverish, and, if his + fever should prove more than symptomatic, it would be impossible to + save him." Joseph, fetching a deep sigh, cried, "Poor Fanny, I + would I could have lived to see thee! but God's will be done."</p> + <p>The surgeon then advised him, if he had any worldly affairs to + settle, that he would do it as soon as possible; for, though he + hoped he might recover, yet he thought himself obliged to acquaint + him he was in great danger; and if the malign concoction of his + humours should cause a suscitation of his fever, he might soon grow + delirious and incapable to make his will. Joseph answered, "That it + was impossible for any creature in the universe to be in a poorer + condition than himself; for since the robbery he had not one thing + of any kind whatever which he could call his own." "I had," said + he, "a poor little piece of gold, which they took away, that would + have been a comfort to me in all my afflictions; but surely, Fanny, + I want nothing to remind me of thee. I have thy dear image in my + heart, and no villain can ever tear it thence."</p> + <p>Joseph desired paper and pens, to write a letter, but they were + refused him; and he was advised to use all his endeavours to + compose himself. They then left him; and Mr Tow-wouse sent to a + clergyman to come and administer his good offices to the soul of + poor Joseph, since the surgeon despaired of making any successful + applications to his body.</p> + <p>Mr Barnabas (for that was the clergyman's name) came as soon as + sent for; and, having first drank a dish of tea with the landlady, + and afterwards a bowl of punch with the landlord, he walked up to + the room where Joseph lay; but, finding him asleep, returned to + take the other sneaker; which when he had finished, he again crept + softly up to the chamber-door, and, having opened it, heard the + sick man talking to himself in the following manner:—</p> + <p>"O most adorable Pamela! most virtuous sister! whose example + could alone enable me to withstand all the temptations of riches + and beauty, and to preserve my virtue pure and chaste for the arms + of my dear Fanny, if it had pleased Heaven that I should ever have + come unto them. What riches, or honours, or pleasures, can make us + amends for the loss of innocence? Doth not that alone afford us + more consolation than all worldly acquisitions? What but innocence + and virtue could give any comfort to such a miserable wretch as I + am? Yet these can make me prefer this sick and painful bed to all + the pleasures I should have found in my lady's. These can make me + face death without fear; and though I love my Fanny more than ever + man loved a woman, these can teach me to resign myself to the + Divine will without repining. O thou delightful charming creature! + if Heaven had indulged thee to my arms, the poorest, humblest state + would have been a paradise; I could have lived with thee in the + lowest cottage without envying the palaces, the dainties, or the + riches of any man breathing. But I must leave thee, leave thee for + ever, my dearest angel! I must think of another world; and I + heartily pray thou may'st meet comfort in this."—Barnabas + thought he had heard enough, so downstairs he went, and told + Tow-wouse he could do his guest no service; for that he was very + light-headed, and had uttered nothing but a rhapsody of nonsense + all the time he stayed in the room.</p> + <p>The surgeon returned in the afternoon, and found his patient in + a higher fever, as he said, than when he left him, though not + delirious; for, notwithstanding Mr Barnabas's opinion, he had not + been once out of his senses since his arrival at the inn.</p> + <p>Mr Barnabas was again sent for, and with much difficulty + prevailed on to make another visit. As soon as he entered the room + he told Joseph "He was come to pray by him, and to prepare him for + another world: in the first place, therefore, he hoped he had + repented of all his sins." Joseph answered, "He hoped he had; but + there was one thing which he knew not whether he should call a sin; + if it was, he feared he should die in the commission of it; and + that was, the regret of parting with a young woman whom he loved as + tenderly as he did his heart-strings." Barnabas bad him be assured + "that any repining at the Divine will was one of the greatest sins + he could commit; that he ought to forget all carnal affections, and + think of better things." Joseph said, "That neither in this world + nor the next he could forget his Fanny; and that the thought, + however grievous, of parting from her for ever, was not half so + tormenting as the fear of what she would suffer when she knew his + misfortune." Barnabas said, "That such fears argued a diffidence + and despondence very criminal; that he must divest himself of all + human passions, and fix his heart above." Joseph answered, "That + was what he desired to do, and should be obliged to him if he would + enable him to accomplish it." Barnabas replied, "That must be done + by grace." Joseph besought him to discover how he might attain it. + Barnabas answered, "By prayer and faith." He then questioned him + concerning his forgiveness of the thieves. Joseph answered, "He + feared that was more than he could do; for nothing would give him + more pleasure than to hear they were taken."—"That," cries + Barnabas, "is for the sake of justice."—"Yes," said Joseph, + "but if I was to meet them again, I am afraid I should attack them, + and kill them too, if I could."—"Doubtless," answered + Barnabas, "it is lawful to kill a thief; but can you say you + forgive them as a Christian ought?" Joseph desired to know what + that forgiveness was. "That is," answered Barnabas, "to forgive + them as—as—it is to forgive them as—in short, it + is to forgive them as a Christian."—Joseph replied, "He + forgave them as much as he could."—"Well, well," said + Barnabas, "that will do." He then demanded of him, "If he + remembered any more sins unrepented of; and if he did, he desired + him to make haste and repent of them as fast as he could, that they + might repeat over a few prayers together." Joseph answered, "He + could not recollect any great crimes he had been guilty of, and + that those he had committed he was sincerely sorry for." Barnabas + said that was enough, and then proceeded to prayer with all the + expedition he was master of, some company then waiting for him + below in the parlour, where the ingredients for punch were all in + readiness; but no one would squeeze the oranges till he came.</p> + <p>Joseph complained he was dry, and desired a little tea; which + Barnabas reported to Mrs Tow-wouse, who answered, "She had just + done drinking it, and could not be slopping all day;" but ordered + Betty to carry him up some small beer.</p> + <p>Betty obeyed her mistress's commands; but Joseph, as soon as he + had tasted it, said, he feared it would increase his fever, and + that he longed very much for tea; to which the good-natured Betty + answered, he should have tea, if there was any in the land; she + accordingly went and bought him some herself, and attended him with + it; where we will leave her and Joseph together for some time, to + entertain the reader with other matters.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter14" name="book1chapter14">CHAPTER + XIV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Being very full of adventures which + succeeded each other at the inn.</em></p> + <p>It was now the dusk of the evening, when a grave person rode + into the inn, and, committing his horse to the hostler, went + directly into the kitchen, and, having called for a pipe of + tobacco, took his place by the fireside, where several other + persons were likewise assembled.</p> + <p>The discourse ran altogether on the robbery which was committed + the night before, and on the poor wretch who lay above in the + dreadful condition in which we have already seen him. Mrs Tow-wouse + said, "She wondered what the devil Tom Whipwell meant by bringing + such guests to her house, when there were so many alehouses on the + road proper for their reception. But she assured him, if he died, + the parish should be at the expense of the funeral." She added, + "Nothing would serve the fellow's turn but tea, she would assure + him." Betty, who was just returned from her charitable office, + answered, she believed he was a gentleman, for she never saw a + finer skin in her life. "Pox on his skin!" replied Mrs Tow-wouse, + "I suppose that is all we are like to have for the reckoning. I + desire no such gentlemen should ever call at the Dragon" (which it + seems was the sign of the inn).</p> + <p>The gentleman lately arrived discovered a great deal of emotion + at the distress of this poor creature, whom he observed to be + fallen not into the most compassionate hands. And indeed, if Mrs + Tow-wouse had given no utterance to the sweetness of her temper, + nature had taken such pains in her countenance, that Hogarth + himself never gave more expression to a picture.</p> + <p>Her person was short, thin, and crooked. Her forehead projected + in the middle, and thence descended in a declivity to the top of + her nose, which was sharp and red, and would have hung over her + lips, had not nature turned up the end of it. Her lips were two + bits of skin, which, whenever she spoke, she drew together in a + purse. Her chin was peaked; and at the upper end of that skin which + composed her cheeks, stood two bones, that almost hid a pair of + small red eyes. Add to this a voice most wonderfully adapted to the + sentiments it was to convey, being both loud and hoarse.</p> + <p>It is not easy to say whether the gentleman had conceived a + greater dislike for his landlady or compassion for her unhappy + guest. He inquired very earnestly of the surgeon, who was now come + into the kitchen, whether he had any hopes of his recovery? He + begged him to use all possible means towards it, telling him, "it + was the duty of men of all professions to apply their skill + gratis for the relief of the poor and necessitous." The surgeon + answered, "He should take proper care; but he defied all the + surgeons in London to do him any good."—"Pray, sir," said the + gentleman, "what are his wounds?"—"Why, do you know anything + of wounds?" says the surgeon (winking upon Mrs + Tow-wouse).—"Sir, I have a small smattering in surgery," + answered the gentleman.—"A smattering—ho, ho, ho!" said + the surgeon; "I believe it is a smattering indeed."</p> + <p>The company were all attentive, expecting to hear the doctor, + who was what they call a dry fellow, expose the gentleman.</p> + <p>He began therefore with an air of triumph: "I suppose, sir, + you have travelled?"—"No, really, sir," said the + gentleman.—"Ho! then you have practised in the hospitals + perhaps?"—"No, sir."—"Hum! not that neither? Whence, + sir, then, if I may be so bold to inquire, have you got your + knowledge in surgery?"—"Sir," answered the gentleman, "I do + not pretend to much; but the little I know I have from + books."—"Books!" cries the doctor. "What, I suppose you have + read Galen and Hippocrates!"—"No, sir," said the + gentleman.—"How! you understand surgery," answers the doctor, + "and not read Galen and Hippocrates?"—"Sir," cries the + other, "I believe there are many surgeons who have never read these + authors."—"I believe so too," says the doctor, "more shame + for them; but, thanks to my education, I have them by heart, and + very seldom go without them both in my pocket."—"They are + pretty large books," said the gentleman.—"Aye," said the + doctor, "I believe I know how large they are better than you." (At + which he fell a winking, and the whole company burst into a + laugh.)</p> + <p>The doctor pursuing his triumph, asked the gentleman, "If he did + not understand physic as well as surgery." "Rather better," + answered the gentleman.—"Aye, like enough," cries the doctor, + with a wink. "Why, I know a little of physic too."—"I wish I + knew half so much," said Tow-wouse, "I'd never wear an apron + again."—"Why, I believe, landlord," cries the doctor, "there + are few men, though I say it, within twelve miles of the place, + that handle a fever better. <em>Veniente accurrite morbo</em>: that + is my method. I suppose, brother, you understand + <em>Latin</em>?"—"A little," says the gentleman.—"Aye, + and Greek now, I'll warrant you: <em>Ton dapomibominos poluflosboio + Thalasses</em>. But I have almost forgot these things: I could have + repeated Homer by heart once."—"Ifags! the gentleman has + caught a traytor," says Mrs Tow-wouse; at which they all fell a + laughing.</p> + <p>The gentleman, who had not the least affection for joking, very + contentedly suffered the doctor to enjoy his victory, which he did + with no small satisfaction; and, having sufficiently sounded his + depth, told him, "He was thoroughly convinced of his great learning + and abilities; and that he would be obliged to him if he would let + him know his opinion of his patient's case + above-stairs."—"Sir," says the doctor, "his case is that of a + dead man—the contusion on his head has perforated the + internal membrane of the occiput, and divelicated that radical + small minute invisible nerve which coheres to the pericranium; and + this was attended with a fever at first symptomatic, then + pneumatic; and he is at length grown deliriuus, or delirious, as + the vulgar express it."</p> + <p>He was proceeding in this learned manner, when a mighty noise + interrupted him. Some young fellows in the neighbourhood had taken + one of the thieves, and were bringing him into the inn. Betty ran + upstairs with this news to Joseph, who begged they might search for + a little piece of broken gold, which had a ribband tied to it, and + which he could swear to amongst all the hoards of the richest men + in the universe.</p> + <p>Notwithstanding the fellow's persisting in his innocence, the + mob were very busy in searching him, and presently, among other + things, pulled out the piece of gold just mentioned; which Betty no + sooner saw than she laid violent hands on it, and conveyed it up to + Joseph, who received it with raptures of joy, and, hugging it in + his bosom, declared he could now die contented.</p> + <p>Within a few minutes afterwards came in some other fellows, with + a bundle which they had found in a ditch, and which was indeed the + cloaths which had been stripped off from Joseph, and the other + things they had taken from him.</p> + <p>The gentleman no sooner saw the coat than he declared he knew + the livery; and, if it had been taken from the poor creature + above-stairs, desired he might see him; for that he was very well + acquainted with the family to whom that livery belonged.</p> + <p>He was accordingly conducted up by Betty; but what, reader, was + the surprize on both sides, when he saw Joseph was the person in + bed, and when Joseph discovered the face of his good friend Mr + Abraham Adams!</p> + <p>It would be impertinent to insert a discourse which chiefly + turned on the relation of matters already well known to the reader; + for, as soon as the curate had satisfied Joseph concerning the + perfect health of his Fanny, he was on his side very inquisitive + into all the particulars which had produced this unfortunate + accident.</p> + <p>To return therefore to the kitchen, where a great variety of + company were now assembled from all the rooms of the house, as well + as the neighbourhood: so much delight do men take in contemplating + the countenance of a thief.</p> + <p>Mr Tow-wouse began to rub his hands with pleasure at seeing so + large an assembly; who would, he hoped, shortly adjourn into + several apartments, in order to discourse over the robbery, and + drink a health to all honest men. But Mrs Tow-wouse, whose + misfortune it was commonly to see things a little perversely, began + to rail at those who brought the fellow into her house; telling her + husband, "They were very likely to thrive who kept a house of + entertainment for beggars and thieves."</p> + <p>The mob had now finished their search, and could find nothing + about the captive likely to prove any evidence; for as to the + cloaths, though the mob were very well satisfied with that proof, + yet, as the surgeon observed, they could not convict him, because + they were not found in his custody; to which Barnabas agreed, and + added that these were <em>bona waviata</em>, and belonged to the + lord of the manor.</p> + <p>"How," says the surgeon, "do you say these goods belong to the + lord of the manor?"—"I do," cried Barnabas.—"Then I + deny it," says the surgeon: "what can the lord of the manor have to + do in the case? Will any one attempt to persuade me that what a man + finds is not his own?"—"I have heard," says an old fellow in + the corner, "justice Wise-one say, that, if every man had his + right, whatever is found belongs to the king of + London."—"That may be true," says Barnabas, "in some sense; + for the law makes a difference between things stolen and things + found; for a thing may be stolen that never is found, and a thing + may be found that never was stolen: Now, goods that are both stolen + and found are <em>waviata</em>; and they belong to the lord of the + manor."—"So the lord of the manor is the receiver of stolen + goods," says the doctor; at which there was an universal laugh, + being first begun by himself.</p> + <p>While the prisoner, by persisting in his innocence, had almost + (as there was no evidence against him) brought over Barnabas, the + surgeon, Tow-wouse, and several others to his side, Betty informed + them that they had overlooked a little piece of gold, which she had + carried up to the man in bed, and which he offered to swear to + amongst a million, aye, amongst ten thousand. This immediately + turned the scale against the prisoner, and every one now concluded + him guilty. It was resolved, therefore, to keep him secured that + night, and early in the morning to carry him before a justice.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter15" name="book1chapter15">CHAPTER + XV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Showing how Mrs Tow-wouse was a little + mollified; and how officious Mr Barnabas and the surgeon were to + prosecute the thief: with a dissertation accounting for their zeal, + and that of many other persons not mentioned in this + history.</em></p> + <p>Betty told her mistress she believed the man in bed was a + greater man than they took him for; for, besides the extreme + whiteness of his skin, and the softness of his hands, she observed + a very great familiarity between the gentleman and him; and added, + she was certain they were intimate acquaintance, if not + relations.</p> + <p>This somewhat abated the severity of Mrs Tow-wouse's + countenance. She said, "God forbid she should not discharge the + duty of a Christian, since the poor gentleman was brought to her + house. She had a natural antipathy to vagabonds; but could pity the + misfortunes of a Christian as soon as another." Tow-wouse said, "If + the traveller be a gentleman, though he hath no money about him + now, we shall most likely be paid hereafter; so you may begin to + score whenever you will." Mrs Tow-wouse answered, "Hold your simple + tongue, and don't instruct me in my business. I am sure I am sorry + for the gentleman's misfortune with all my heart; and I hope the + villain who hath used him so barbarously will be hanged. Betty, go + see what he wants. God forbid he should want anything in my + house."</p> + <p>Barnabas and the surgeon went up to Joseph to satisfy themselves + concerning the piece of gold; Joseph was with difficulty prevailed + upon to show it them, but would by no entreaties be brought to + deliver it out of his own possession. He however attested this to + be the same which had been taken from him, and Betty was ready to + swear to the finding it on the thief.</p> + <p>The only difficulty that remained was, how to produce this gold + before the justice; for as to carrying Joseph himself, it seemed + impossible; nor was there any great likelihood of obtaining it from + him, for he had fastened it with a ribband to his arm, and solemnly + vowed that nothing but irresistible force should ever separate + them; in which resolution, Mr Adams, clenching a fist rather less + than the knuckle of an ox, declared he would support him.</p> + <p>A dispute arose on this occasion concerning evidence not very + necessary to be related here; after which the surgeon dressed Mr + Joseph's head, still persisting in the imminent danger in which his + patient lay, but concluding, with a very important look, "That he + began to have some hopes; that he should send him a sanative + soporiferous draught, and would see him in the morning." After + which Barnabas and he departed, and left Mr Joseph and Mr Adams + together.</p> + <p>Adams informed Joseph of the occasion of this journey which he + was making to London, namely, to publish three volumes of sermons; + being encouraged, as he said, by an advertisement lately set forth + by the society of booksellers, who proposed to purchase any copies + offered to them, at a price to be settled by two persons; but + though he imagined he should get a considerable sum of money on + this occasion, which his family were in urgent need of, he + protested he would not leave Joseph in his present condition: + finally, he told him, "He had nine shillings and threepence + halfpenny in his pocket, which he was welcome to use as he + pleased."</p> + <p>This goodness of parson Adams brought tears into Joseph's eyes; + he declared, "He had now a second reason to desire life, that he + might show his gratitude to such a friend." Adams bade him "be + cheerful; for that he plainly saw the surgeon, besides his + ignorance, desired to make a merit of curing him, though the wounds + in his head, he perceived, were by no means dangerous; that he was + convinced he had no fever, and doubted not but he would be able to + travel in a day or two."</p> + <p>These words infused a spirit into Joseph; he said, "He found + himself very sore from the bruises, but had no reason to think any + of his bones injured, or that he had received any harm in his + inside, unless that he felt something very odd in his stomach; but + he knew not whether that might not arise from not having eaten one + morsel for above twenty-four hours." Being then asked if he had any + inclination to eat, he answered in the affirmative. Then parson + Adams desired him to "name what he had the greatest fancy for; + whether a poached egg, or chicken-broth." He answered, "He could + eat both very well; but that he seemed to have the greatest + appetite for a piece of boiled beef and cabbage."</p> + <p>Adams was pleased with so perfect a confirmation that he had not + the least fever, but advised him to a lighter diet for that + evening. He accordingly ate either a rabbit or a fowl, I never + could with any tolerable certainty discover which; after this he + was, by Mrs Tow-wouse's order, conveyed into a better bed and + equipped with one of her husband's shirts.</p> + <p>In the morning early, Barnabas and the surgeon came to the inn, + in order to see the thief conveyed before the justice. They had + consumed the whole night in debating what measures they should take + to produce the piece of gold in evidence against him; for they were + both extremely zealous in the business, though neither of them were + in the least interested in the prosecution; neither of them had + ever received any private injury from the fellow, nor had either of + them ever been suspected of loving the publick well enough to give + them a sermon or a dose of physic for nothing.</p> + <p>To help our reader, therefore, as much as possible to account + for this zeal, we must inform him that, as this parish was so + unfortunate as to have no lawyer in it, there had been a constant + contention between the two doctors, spiritual and physical, + concerning their abilities in a science, in which, as neither of + them professed it, they had equal pretensions to dispute each + other's opinions. These disputes were carried on with great + contempt on both sides, and had almost divided the parish; Mr + Tow-wouse and one half of the neighbours inclining to the surgeon, + and Mrs Tow-wouse with the other half to the parson. The surgeon + drew his knowledge from those inestimable fountains, called The + Attorney's Pocket Companion, and Mr Jacob's Law-Tables; Barnabas + trusted entirely to Wood's Institutes. It happened on this + occasion, as was pretty frequently the case, that these two learned + men differed about the sufficiency of evidence; the doctor being of + opinion that the maid's oath would convict the prisoner without + producing the gold; the parson, <em>é contra, totis + viribus.</em> To display their parts, therefore, before the justice + and the parish, was the sole motive which we can discover to this + zeal which both of them pretended to have for public justice.</p> + <p>O Vanity! how little is thy force acknowledged, or thy + operations discerned! How wantonly dost thou deceive mankind under + different disguises! Sometimes thou dost wear the face of pity, + sometimes of generosity: nay, thou hast the assurance even to put + on those glorious ornaments which belong only to heroic virtue. + Thou odious, deformed monster! whom priests have railed at, + philosophers despised, and poets ridiculed; is there a wretch so + abandoned as to own thee for an acquaintance in public?—yet, + how few will refuse to enjoy thee in private? nay, thou art the + pursuit of most men through their lives. The greatest villainies + are daily practised to please thee; nor is the meanest thief below, + or the greatest hero above, thy notice. Thy embraces are often the + sole aim and sole reward of the private robbery and the plundered + province. It is to pamper up thee, thou harlot, that we attempt to + withdraw from others what we do not want, or to withhold from them + what they do. All our passions are thy slaves. Avarice itself is + often no more than thy handmaid, and even Lust thy pimp. The bully + Fear, like a coward, flies before thee, and Joy and Grief hide + their heads in thy presence.</p> + <p>I know thou wilt think that whilst I abuse thee I court thee, + and that thy love hath inspired me to write this sarcastical + panegyric on thee; but thou art deceived: I value thee not of a + farthing; nor will it give me any pain if thou shouldst prevail on + the reader to censure this digression as arrant nonsense; for know, + to thy confusion, that I have introduced thee for no other purpose + than to lengthen out a short chapter, and so I return to my + history.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter16" name="book1chapter16">CHAPTER + XVI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>The escape of the thief. Mr Adams's + disappointment. The arrival of two very extraordinary personages, + and the introduction of parson Adams to parson Barnabas.</em></p> + <p>Barnabas and the surgeon, being returned, as we have said, to + the inn, in order to convey the thief before the justice, were + greatly concerned to find a small accident had happened, which + somewhat disconcerted them; and this was no other than the thief's + escape, who had modestly withdrawn himself by night, declining all + ostentation, and not chusing, in imitation of some great men, to + distinguish himself at the expense of being pointed at.</p> + <p>When the company had retired the evening before, the thief was + detained in a room where the constable, and one of the young + fellows who took him, were planted as his guard. About the second + watch a general complaint of drought was made, both by the prisoner + and his keepers. Among whom it was at last agreed that the + constable should remain on duty, and the young fellow call up the + tapster; in which disposition the latter apprehended not the least + danger, as the constable was well armed, and could besides easily + summon him back to his assistance, if the prisoner made the least + attempt to gain his liberty.</p> + <p>The young fellow had not long left the room before it came into + the constable's head that the prisoner might leap on him by + surprize, and, thereby preventing him of the use of his weapons, + especially the long staff in which he chiefly confided, might + reduce the success of a struggle to a equal chance. He wisely, + therefore, to prevent this inconvenience, slipt out of the room + himself, and locked the door, waiting without with his staff in his + hand, ready lifted to fell the unhappy prisoner, if by ill fortune + he should attempt to break out.</p> + <p>But human life, as hath been discovered by some great man or + other (for I would by no means be understood to affect the honour + of making any such discovery), very much resembles a game at chess; + for as in the latter, while a gamester is too attentive to secure + himself very strongly on one side the board, he is apt to leave an + unguarded opening on the other; so doth it often happen in life, + and so did it happen on this occasion; for whilst the cautious + constable with such wonderful sagacity had possessed himself of the + door, he most unhappily forgot the window.</p> + <p>The thief, who played on the other side, no sooner perceived + this opening than he began to move that way; and, finding the + passage easy, he took with him the young fellow's hat, and without + any ceremony stepped into the street and made the best of his + way.</p> + <p>The young fellow, returning with a double mug of strong beer, + was a little surprized to find the constable at the door; but much + more so when, the door being opened, he perceived the prisoner had + made his escape, and which way. He threw down the beer, and, + without uttering anything to the constable except a hearty curse or + two, he nimbly leapt out of the window, and went again in pursuit + of his prey, being very unwilling to lose the reward which he had + assured himself of.</p> + <p>The constable hath not been discharged of suspicion on this + account; it hath been said that, not being concerned in the taking + the thief, he could not have been entitled to any part of the + reward if he had been convicted; that the thief had several guineas + in his pocket; that it was very unlikely he should have been guilty + of such an oversight; that his pretence for leaving the room was + absurd; that it was his constant maxim, that a wise man never + refused money on any conditions; that at every election he always + had sold his vote to both parties, &c.</p> + <p>But, notwithstanding these and many other such allegations, I am + sufficiently convinced of his innocence; having been positively + assured of it by those who received their informations from his own + mouth; which, in the opinion of some moderns, is the best and + indeed only evidence.</p> + <p>All the family were now up, and with many others assembled in + the kitchen, where Mr Tow-wouse was in some tribulation; the + surgeon having declared that by law he was liable to be indicted + for the thief's escape, as it was out of his house; he was a little + comforted, however, by Mr Barnabas's opinion, that as the escape + was by night the indictment would not lie.</p> + <p>Mrs Tow-wouse delivered herself in the following words: "Sure + never was such a fool as my husband; would any other person living + have left a man in the custody of such a drunken drowsy blockhead + as Tom Suckbribe?" (which was the constable's name); "and if he + could be indicted without any harm to his wife and children, I + should be glad of it." (Then the bell rung in Joseph's room.) "Why + Betty, John, Chamberlain, where the devil are you all? Have you no + ears, or no conscience, not to tend the sick better? See what the + gentleman wants. Why don't you go yourself, Mr Tow-wouse? But any + one may die for you; you have no more feeling than a deal board. If + a man lived a fortnight in your house without spending a penny, you + would never put him in mind of it. See whether he drinks tea or + coffee for breakfast." "Yes, my dear," cried Tow-wouse. She then + asked the doctor and Mr Barnabas what morning's draught they chose, + who answered, they had a pot of cyder-and at the fire; which we + will leave them merry over, and return to Joseph.</p> + <p>He had rose pretty early this morning; but, though his wounds + were far from threatening any danger, he was so sore with the + bruises, that it was impossible for him to think of undertaking a + journey yet; Mr Adams, therefore, whose stock was visibly decreased + with the expenses of supper and breakfast, and which could not + survive that day's scoring, began to consider how it was possible + to recruit it. At last he cried, "He had luckily hit on a sure + method, and, though it would oblige him to return himself home + together with Joseph, it mattered not much." He then sent for + Tow-wouse, and, taking him into another room, told him "he wanted + to borrow three guineas, for which he would put ample security into + his hands." Tow-wouse, who expected a watch, or ring, or something + of double the value, answered, "He believed he could furnish him." + Upon which Adams, pointing to his saddle-bag, told him, with a face + and voice full of solemnity, "that there were in that bag no less + than nine volumes of manuscript sermons, as well worth a hundred + pounds as a shilling was worth twelve pence, and that he would + deposit one of the volumes in his hands by way of pledge; not + doubting but that he would have the honesty to return it on his + repayment of the money; for otherwise he must be a very great + loser, seeing that every volume would at least bring him ten + pounds, as he had been informed by a neighbouring clergyman in the + country; for," said he, "as to my own part, having never yet dealt + in printing, I do not pretend to ascertain the exact value of such + things."</p> + <p>Tow-wouse, who was a little surprized at the pawn, said (and not + without some truth), "That he was no judge of the price of such + kind of goods; and as for money, he really was very short." Adams + answered, "Certainly he would not scruple to lend him three guineas + on what was undoubtedly worth at least ten." The landlord replied, + "He did not believe he had so much money in the house, and besides, + he was to make up a sum. He was very confident the books were of + much higher value, and heartily sorry it did not suit him." He then + cried out, "Coming sir!" though nobody called; and ran downstairs + without any fear of breaking his neck.</p> + <p>Poor Adams was extremely dejected at this disappointment, nor + knew he what further stratagem to try. He immediately applied to + his pipe, his constant friend and comfort in his afflictions; and, + leaning over the rails, he devoted himself to meditation, assisted + by the inspiring fumes of tobacco.</p> + <p>He had on a nightcap drawn over his wig, and a short greatcoat, + which half covered his cassock—a dress which, added to + something comical enough in his countenance, composed a figure + likely to attract the eyes of those who were not over given to + observation.</p> + <p>Whilst he was smoaking his pipe in this posture, a coach and + six, with a numerous attendance, drove into the inn. There alighted + from the coach a young fellow and a brace of pointers, after which + another young fellow leapt from the box, and shook the former by + the hand; and both, together with the dogs, were instantly + conducted by Mr Tow-wouse into an apartment; whither as they + passed, they entertained themselves with the following short + facetious dialogue:—</p> + <p>"You are a pretty fellow for a coachman, Jack!" says he from the + coach; "you had almost overturned us just now."—"Pox take + you!" says the coachman; "if I had only broke your neck, it would + have been saving somebody else the trouble; but I should have been + sorry for the pointers."—"Why, you son of a b—," + answered the other, "if nobody could shoot better than you, the + pointers would be of no use."—"D—n me," says the + coachman, "I will shoot with you five guineas a shot."—"You + be hanged," says the other; "for five guineas you shall shoot at my + a—."—"Done," says the coachman; "I'll pepper you better + than ever you was peppered by Jenny Bouncer."—"Pepper your + grandmother," says the other: "Here's Tow-wouse will let you shoot + at him for a shilling a time."—"I know his honour better," + cries Tow-wouse; "I never saw a surer shot at a partridge. Every + man misses now and then; but if I could shoot half as well as his + honour, I would desire no better livelihood than I could get by my + gun."—"Pox on you," said the coachman, "you demolish more + game now than your head's worth. There's a bitch, Tow-wouse: by + G— she never blinked <a id="footnote4tag" + name="footnote4tag"></a><a href="#footnote4"><sup>4</sup></a> a + bird in her life."—"I have a puppy, not a year old, shall + hunt with her for a hundred," cries the other + gentleman.—"Done," says the coachman: "but you will be pox'd + before you make the bett."—"If you have a mind for a bett," + cries the coachman, "I will match my spotted dog with your white + bitch for a hundred, play or pay."—"Done," says the other: + "and I'll run Baldface against Slouch with you for + another."—"No," cries he from the box; "but I'll venture Miss + Jenny against Baldface, or Hannibal either."—"Go to the + devil," cries he from the coach: "I will make every bett your own + way, to be sure! I will match Hannibal with Slouch for a thousand, + if you dare; and I say done first."</p> + <p>They were now arrived; and the reader will be very contented to + leave them, and repair to the kitchen; where Barnabas, the surgeon, + and an exciseman were smoaking their pipes over some cyder-and; and + where the servants, who attended the two noble gentlemen we have + just seen alight, were now arrived.</p> + <p>"Tom," cries one of the footmen, "there's parson Adams smoaking + his pipe in the gallery."—"Yes," says Tom; "I pulled off my + hat to him, and the parson spoke to me."</p> + <p>"Is the gentleman a clergyman, then?" says Barnabas (for his + cassock had been tied up when he arrived). "Yes, sir," answered the + footman; "and one there be but few like."—"Aye," said + Barnabas; "if I had known it sooner, I should have desired his + company; I would always shew a proper respect for the cloth: but + what say you, doctor, shall we adjourn into a room, and invite him + to take part of a bowl of punch?"</p> + <p>This proposal was immediately agreed to and executed; and parson + Adams accepting the invitation, much civility passed between the + two clergymen, who both declared the great honour they had for the + cloth. They had not been long together before they entered into a + discourse on small tithes, which continued a full hour, without the + doctor or exciseman's having one opportunity to offer a word.</p> + <p>It was then proposed to begin a general conversation, and the + exciseman opened on foreign affairs; but a word unluckily dropping + from one of them introduced a dissertation on the hardships + suffered by the inferior clergy; which, after a long duration, + concluded with bringing the nine volumes of sermons on the + carpet.</p> + <p>Barnabas greatly discouraged poor Adams; he said, "The age was + so wicked, that nobody read sermons: would you think it, Mr Adams?" + said he, "I once intended to print a volume of sermons myself, and + they had the approbation of two or three bishops; but what do you + think a bookseller offered me?"—"Twelve guineas perhaps," + cried Adams.—"Not twelve pence, I assure you," answered + Barnabas: "nay, the dog refused me a Concordance in exchange. At + last I offered to give him the printing them, for the sake of + dedicating them to that very gentleman who just now drove his own + coach into the inn; and, I assure you, he had the impudence to + refuse my offer; by which means I lost a good living, that was + afterwards given away in exchange for a pointer, to one + who—but I will not say anything against the cloth. So you may + guess, Mr Adams, what you are to expect; for if sermons would have + gone down, I believe—I will not be vain; but to be concise + with you, three bishops said they were the best that ever were + writ: but indeed there are a pretty moderate number printed + already, and not all sold yet."—"Pray, sir," said Adams, "to + what do you think the numbers may amount?"—"Sir," answered + Barnabas, "a bookseller told me, he believed five thousand volumes + at least."—"Five thousand?" quoth the surgeon: "What can they + be writ upon? I remember when I was a boy, I used to read one + Tillotson's sermons; and, I am sure, if a man practised half so + much as is in one of those sermons, he will go to + heaven."—"Doctor," cried Barnabas, "you have a prophane way + of talking, for which I must reprove you. A man can never have his + duty too frequently inculcated into him. And as for Tillotson, to + be sure he was a good writer, and said things very well; but + comparisons are odious; another man may write as well as he—I + believe there are some of my sermons,"—and then he applied + the candle to his pipe.—"And I believe there are some of my + discourses," cries Adams, "which the bishops would not think + totally unworthy of being printed; and I have been informed I might + procure a very large sum (indeed an immense one) on them."—"I + doubt that," answered Barnabas: "however, if you desire to make + some money of them, perhaps you may sell them by advertising the + manuscript sermons of a clergyman lately deceased, all warranted + originals, and never printed. And now I think of it, I should be + obliged to you, if there be ever a funeral one among them, to lend + it me; for I am this very day to preach a funeral sermon, for which + I have not penned a line, though I am to have a double + price."—Adams answered, "He had but one, which he feared + would not serve his purpose, being sacred to the memory of a + magistrate, who had exerted himself very singularly in the + preservation of the morality of his neighbours, insomuch that he + had neither alehouse nor lewd woman in the parish where he + lived."—"No," replied Barnabas, "that will not do quite so + well; for the deceased, upon whose virtues I am to harangue, was a + little too much addicted to liquor, and publickly kept a + mistress.—I believe I must take a common sermon, and trust to + my memory to introduce something handsome on him."—"To your + invention rather," said the doctor: "your memory will be apter to + put you out; for no man living remembers anything good of him."</p> + <p>With such kind of spiritual discourse, they emptied the bowl of + punch, paid their reckoning, and separated: Adams and the doctor + went up to Joseph, parson Barnabas departed to celebrate the + aforesaid deceased, and the exciseman descended into the cellar to + gauge the vessels.</p> + <p>Joseph was now ready to sit down to a loin of mutton, and waited + for Mr Adams, when he and the doctor came in. The doctor, having + felt his pulse and examined his wounds, declared him much better, + which he imputed to that sanative soporiferous draught, a medicine + "whose virtues," he said, "were never to be sufficiently extolled." + And great indeed they must be, if Joseph was so much indebted to + them as the doctor imagined; since nothing more than those effluvia + which escaped the cork could have contributed to his recovery; for + the medicine had stood untouched in the window ever since its + arrival.</p> + <p>Joseph passed that day, and the three following, with his friend + Adams, in which nothing so remarkable happened as the swift + progress of his recovery. As he had an excellent habit of body, his + wounds were now almost healed; and his bruises gave him so little + uneasiness, that he pressed Mr Adams to let him depart; told him he + should never be able to return sufficient thanks for all his + favours, but begged that he might no longer delay his journey to + London.</p> + <p>Adams, notwithstanding the ignorance, as he conceived it, of Mr + Tow-wouse, and the envy (for such he thought it) of Mr Barnabas, + had great expectations from his sermons: seeing therefore Joseph in + so good a way, he told him he would agree to his setting out the + next morning in the stage-coach, that he believed he should have + sufficient, after the reckoning paid, to procure him one day's + conveyance in it, and afterwards he would be able to get on on + foot, or might be favoured with a lift in some neighbour's waggon, + especially as there was then to be a fair in the town whither the + coach would carry him, to which numbers from his parish + resorted—And as to himself, he agreed to proceed to the great + city.</p> + <p>They were now walking in the inn-yard, when a fat, fair, short + person rode in, and, alighting from his horse, went directly up to + Barnabas, who was smoaking his pipe on a bench. The parson and the + stranger shook one another very lovingly by the hand, and went into + a room together.</p> + <p>The evening now coming on, Joseph retired to his chamber, + whither the good Adams accompanied him, and took this opportunity + to expatiate on the great mercies God had lately shown him, of + which he ought not only to have the deepest inward sense, but + likewise to express outward thankfulness for them. They therefore + fell both on their knees, and spent a considerable time in prayer + and thanksgiving.</p> + <p>They had just finished when Betty came in and told Mr Adams Mr + Barnabas desired to speak to him on some business of consequence + below-stairs. Joseph desired, if it was likely to detain him long, + he would let him know it, that he might go to bed, which Adams + promised, and in that case they wished one another good-night.</p> + <p class="footnote"><a id="footnote4" name="footnote4"></a> + <b>Footnote 4</b>: To blink is a term used to signify the dog's + passing by a bird without pointing at it.<a + href="#footnote4tag">(return)</a></p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter17" name="book1chapter17">CHAPTER + XVII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A pleasant discourse between the two parsons + and the bookseller, 'which was broke off by an unlucky accident + happening in the inn, which produced a dialogue between Mrs + Tow-wouse and her maid of no gentle kind.</em></p> + <p>As soon as Adams came into the room, Mr Barnabas introduced him + to the stranger, who was, he told him, a bookseller, and would be + as likely to deal with him for his sermons as any man whatever. + Adams, saluting the stranger, answered Barnabas, that he was very + much obliged to him; that nothing could be more convenient, for he + had no other business to the great city, and was heartily desirous + of returning with the young man, who was just recovered of his + misfortune. He then snapt his fingers (as was usual with him), and + took two or three turns about the room in an extasy. And to induce + the bookseller to be as expeditious as possible, as likewise to + offer him a better price for his commodity, he assured them their + meeting was extremely lucky to himself; for that he had the most + pressing occasion for money at that time, his own being almost + spent, and having a friend then in the same inn, who was just + recovered from some wounds he had received from robbers, and was in + a most indigent condition. "So that nothing," says he, "could be so + opportune for the supplying both our necessities as my making an + immediate bargain with you."</p> + <p>As soon as he had seated himself, the stranger began in these + words: "Sir, I do not care absolutely to deny engaging in what my + friend Mr Barnabas recommends; but sermons are mere drugs. The + trade is so vastly stocked with them, that really, unless they come + out with the name of Whitefield or Wesley, or some other such great + man, as a bishop, or those sort of people, I don't care to touch; + unless now it was a sermon preached on the 30th of January; or we + could say in the title-page, published at the earnest request of + the congregation, or the inhabitants; but, truly, for a dry piece + of sermons, I had rather be excused; especially as my hands are so + full at present. However, sir, as Mr Barnabas mentioned them to me, + I will, if you please, take the manuscript with me to town, and + send you my opinion of it in a very short time."</p> + <p>"Oh!" said Adams, "if you desire it, I will read two or three + discourses as a specimen." This Barnabas, who loved sermons no + better than a grocer doth figs, immediately objected to, and + advised Adams to let the bookseller have his sermons: telling him, + "If he gave him a direction, he might be certain of a speedy + answer;" adding, he need not scruple trusting them in his + possession. "No," said the bookseller, "if it was a play that had + been acted twenty nights together, I believe it would be safe."</p> + <p>Adams did not at all relish the last expression; he said "he was + sorry to hear sermons compared to plays." "Not by me, I assure + you," cried the bookseller, "though I don't know whether the + licensing act may not shortly bring them to the same footing; but I + have formerly known a hundred guineas given for a + play."—"More shame for those who gave it," cried + Barnabas.—"Why so?" said the bookseller, "for they got + hundreds by it."—"But is there no difference between + conveying good or ill instructions to mankind?" said Adams: "Would + not an honest mind rather lose money by the one, than gain it by + the other?"—"If you can find any such, I will not be their + hindrance," answered the bookseller; "but I think those persons who + get by preaching sermons are the properest to lose by printing + them: for my part, the copy that sells best will be always the best + copy in my opinion; I am no enemy to sermons, but because they + don't sell: for I would as soon print one of Whitefield's as any + farce whatever."</p> + <p>"Whoever prints such heterodox stuff ought to be hanged," says + Barnabas. "Sir," said he, turning to Adams, "this fellow's writings + (I know not whether you have seen them) are levelled at the clergy. + He would reduce us to the example of the primitive ages, forsooth! + and would insinuate to the people that a clergyman ought to be + always preaching and praying. He pretends to understand the + Scripture literally; and would make mankind believe that the + poverty and low estate which was recommended to the Church in its + infancy, and was only temporary doctrine adapted to her under + persecution, was to be preserved in her flourishing and established + state. Sir, the principles of Toland, Woolston, and all the + freethinkers, are not calculated to do half the mischief, as those + professed by this fellow and his followers."</p> + <p>"Sir," answered Adams, "if Mr Whitefield had carried his + doctrine no farther than you mention, I should have remained, as I + once was, his well-wisher. I am, myself, as great an enemy to the + luxury and splendour of the clergy as he can be. I do not, more + than he, by the flourishing estate of the Church, understand the + palaces, equipages, dress, furniture, rich dainties, and vast + fortunes, of her ministers. Surely those things, which savour so + strongly of this world, become not the servants of one who + professed His kingdom was not of it. But when he began to call + nonsense and enthusiasm to his aid, and set up the detestable + doctrine of faith against good works, I was his friend no longer; + for surely that doctrine was coined in hell; and one would think + none but the devil himself could have the confidence to preach it. + For can anything be more derogatory to the honour of God than for + men to imagine that the all-wise Being will hereafter say to the + good and virtuous, 'Notwithstanding the purity of thy life, + notwithstanding that constant rule of virtue and goodness in which + you walked upon earth, still, as thou didst not believe everything + in the true orthodox manner, thy want of faith shall condemn thee?' + Or, on the other side, can any doctrine have a more pernicious + influence on society, than a persuasion that it will be a good plea + for the villain at the last day—'Lord, it is true I never + obeyed one of thy commandments, yet punish me not, for I believe + them all?'"—"I suppose, sir," said the bookseller, "your + sermons are of a different kind."—"Aye, sir," said Adams; + "the contrary, I thank Heaven, is inculcated in almost every page, + or I should belye my own opinion, which hath always been, that a + virtuous and good Turk, or heathen, are more acceptable in the + sight of their Creator than a vicious and wicked Christian, though + his faith was as perfectly orthodox as St Paul's himself."—"I + wish you success," says the bookseller, "but must beg to be + excused, as my hands are so very full at present; and, indeed, I am + afraid you will find a backwardness in the trade to engage in a + book which the clergy would be certain to cry down."—"God + forbid," says Adams, "any books should be propagated which the + clergy would cry down; but if you mean by the clergy, some few + designing factious men, who have it at heart to establish some + favourite schemes at the price of the liberty of mankind, and the + very essence of religion, it is not in the power of such persons to + decry any book they please; witness that excellent book called, 'A + Plain Account of the Nature and End of the Sacrament;' a book + written (if I may venture on the expression) with the pen of an + angel, and calculated to restore the true use of Christianity, and + of that sacred institution; for what could tend more to the noble + purposes of religion than frequent chearful meetings among the + members of a society, in which they should, in the presence of one + another, and in the service of the Supreme Being, make promises of + being good, friendly, and benevolent to each other? Now, this + excellent book was attacked by a party, but unsuccessfully." At + these words Barnabas fell a-ringing with all the violence + imaginable; upon which a servant attending, he bid him "bring a + bill immediately; for that he was in company, for aught he knew, + with the devil himself; and he expected to hear the Alcoran, the + Leviathan, or Woolston commended, if he staid a few minutes + longer." Adams desired, "as he was so much moved at his mentioning + a book which he did without apprehending any possibility of + offence, that he would be so kind to propose any objections he had + to it, which he would endeavour to answer."—"I propose + objections!" said Barnabas, "I never read a syllable in any such + wicked book; I never saw it in my life, I assure you."—Adams + was going to answer, when a most hideous uproar began in the inn. + Mrs Tow-wouse, Mr Tow-wouse, and Betty, all lifting up their voices + together; but Mrs Tow-wouse's voice, like a bass viol in a concert, + was clearly and distinctly distinguished among the rest, and was + heard to articulate the following sounds:—"O you damn'd + villain! is this the return to all the care I have taken of your + family? This the reward of my virtue? Is this the manner in which + you behave to one who brought you a fortune, and preferred you to + so many matches, all your betters? To abuse my bed, my own bed, + with my own servant! but I'll maul the slut, I'll tear her nasty + eyes out! Was ever such a pitiful dog, to take up with such a mean + trollop? If she had been a gentlewoman, like myself, it had been + some excuse; but a beggarly, saucy, dirty servant-maid. Get you out + of my house, you whore." To which she added another name, which we + do not care to stain our paper with. It was a monosyllable + beginning with a b—, and indeed was the same as if she had + pronounced the words, she-dog. Which term we shall, to avoid + offence, use on this occasion, though indeed both the mistress and + maid uttered the above-mentioned b—, a word extremely + disgustful to females of the lower sort. Betty had borne all + hitherto with patience, and had uttered only lamentations; but the + last appellation stung her to the quick. "I am a woman as well as + yourself," she roared out, "and no she-dog; and if I have been a + little naughty, I am not the first; if I have been no better than I + should be," cries she, sobbing, "that's no reason you should call + me out of my name; my be-betters are wo-rse than me."—"Huzzy, + huzzy," says Mrs Tow-wouse, "have you the impudence to answer me? + Did I not catch you, you saucy"—and then again repeated the + terrible word so odious to female ears. "I can't bear that name," + answered Betty: "if I have been wicked, I am to answer for it + myself in the other world; but I have done nothing that's + unnatural; and I will go out of your house this moment, for I will + never be called she-dog by any mistress in England." Mrs Tow-wouse + then armed herself with the spit, but was prevented from executing + any dreadful purpose by Mr Adams, who confined her arms with the + strength of a wrist which Hercules would not have been ashamed of. + Mr Tow-wouse, being caught, as our lawyers express it, with the + manner, and having no defence to make, very prudently withdrew + himself; and Betty committed herself to the protection of the + hostler, who, though she could not conceive him pleased with what + had happened, was, in her opinion, rather a gentler beast than her + mistress.</p> + <p>Mrs Tow-wouse, at the intercession of Mr Adams, and finding the + enemy vanished, began to compose herself, and at length recovered + the usual serenity of her temper, in which we will leave her, to + open to the reader the steps which led to a catastrophe, common + enough, and comical enough too perhaps, in modern history, yet + often fatal to the repose and well-being of families, and the + subject of many tragedies, both in life and on the stage.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book1chapter18" name="book1chapter18">CHAPTER + XVIII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>The history of Betty the chambermaid, and an + account of what occasioned the violent scene in the preceding + chapter.</em></p> + <p>Betty, who was the occasion of all this hurry, had some good + qualities. She had good-nature, generosity, and compassion, but + unfortunately, her constitution was composed of those warm + ingredients which, though the purity of courts or nunneries might + have happily controuled them, were by no means able to endure the + ticklish situation of a chambermaid at an inn; who is daily liable + to the solicitations of lovers of all complexions; to the dangerous + addresses of fine gentlemen of the army, who sometimes are obliged + to reside with them a whole year together; and, above all, are + exposed to the caresses of footmen, stage-coachmen, and drawers; + all of whom employ the whole artillery of kissing, flattering, + bribing, and every other weapon which is to be found in the whole + armoury of love, against them.</p> + <p>Betty, who was but one-and-twenty, had now lived three years in + this dangerous situation, during which she had escaped pretty well. + An ensign of foot was the first person who made an impression on + her heart; he did indeed raise a flame in her which required the + care of a surgeon to cool.</p> + <p>While she burnt for him, several others burnt for her. Officers + of the army, young gentlemen travelling the western circuit, + inoffensive squires, and some of graver character, were set a-fire + by her charms!</p> + <p>At length, having perfectly recovered the effects of her first + unhappy passion, she seemed to have vowed a state of perpetual + chastity. She was long deaf to all the sufferings of her lovers, + till one day, at a neighbouring fair, the rhetoric of John the + hostler, with a new straw hat and a pint of wine, made a second + conquest over her.</p> + <p>She did not, however, feel any of those flames on this occasion + which had been the consequence of her former amour; nor, indeed, + those other ill effects which prudent young women very justly + apprehend from too absolute an indulgence to the pressing + endearments of their lovers. This latter, perhaps, was a little + owing to her not being entirely constant to John, with whom she + permitted Tom Whipwell the stage-coachman, and now and then a + handsome young traveller, to share her favours.</p> + <p>Mr Tow-wouse had for some time cast the languishing eyes of + affection on this young maiden. He had laid hold on every + opportunity of saying tender things to her, squeezing her by the + hand, and sometimes kissing her lips; for, as the violence of his + passion had considerably abated to Mrs Tow-wouse, so, like water, + which is stopt from its usual current in one place, it naturally + sought a vent in another. Mrs Tow-wouse is thought to have + perceived this abatement, and, probably, it added very little to + the natural sweetness of her temper; for though she was as true to + her husband as the dial to the sun, she was rather more desirous of + being shone on, as being more capable of feeling his warmth.</p> + <p>Ever since Joseph's arrival, Betty had conceived an + extraordinary liking to him, which discovered itself more and more + as he grew better and better; till that fatal evening, when, as she + was warming his bed, her passion grew to such a height, and so + perfectly mastered both her modesty and her reason, that, after + many fruitless hints and sly insinuations, she at last threw down + the warming-pan, and, embracing him with great eagerness, swore he + was the handsomest creature she had ever seen.</p> + <p>Joseph, in great confusion, leapt from her, and told her he was + sorry to see a young woman cast off all regard to modesty; but she + had gone too far to recede, and grew so very indecent, that Joseph + was obliged, contrary to his inclination, to use some violence to + her; and, taking her in his arms, he shut her out of the room, and + locked the door.</p> + <p>How ought man to rejoice that his chastity is always in his own + power; that, if he hath sufficient strength of mind, he hath always + a competent strength of body to defend himself, and cannot, like a + poor weak woman, be ravished against his will!</p> + <p>Betty was in the most violent agitation at this disappointment. + Rage and lust pulled her heart, as with two strings, two different + ways; one moment she thought of stabbing Joseph; the next, of + taking him in her arms, and devouring him with kisses; but the + latter passion was far more prevalent. Then she thought of + revenging his refusal on herself; but, whilst she was engaged in + this meditation, happily death presented himself to her in so many + shapes, of drowning, hanging, poisoning, &c., that her + distracted mind could resolve on none. In this perturbation of + spirit, it accidentally occurred to her memory that her master's + bed was not made; she therefore went directly to his room, where he + happened at that time to be engaged at his bureau. As soon as she + saw him, she attempted to retire; but he called her back, and, + taking her by the hand, squeezed her so tenderly, at the same time + whispering so many soft things into her ears, and then pressed her + so closely with his kisses, that the vanquished fair one, whose + passions were already raised, and which were not so whimsically + capricious that one man only could lay them, though, perhaps, she + would have rather preferred that one—the vanquished fair one + quietly submitted, I say, to her master's will, who had just + attained the accomplishment of his bliss when Mrs Tow-wouse + unexpectedly entered the room, and caused all that confusion which + we have before seen, and which it is not necessary, at present, to + take any farther notice of; since, without the assistance of a + single hint from us, every reader of any speculation or experience, + though not married himself, may easily conjecture that it concluded + with the discharge of Betty, the submission of Mr Tow-wouse, with + some things to be performed on his side by way of gratitude for his + wife's goodness in being reconciled to him, with many hearty + promises never to offend any more in the like manner; and, lastly, + his quietly and contentedly bearing to be reminded of his + transgressions, as a kind of penance, once or twice a day during + the residue of his life.</p> + <hr /> + <h2>BOOK II.</h2> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter1" name="book2chapter1">CHAPTER I.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Of Divisions in Authors</em>.</p> + <p>There are certain mysteries or secrets in all trades, from the + highest to the lowest, from that of prime-ministering to this of + authoring, which are seldom discovered unless to members of the + same calling. Among those used by us gentlemen of the latter + occupation, I take this of dividing our works into books and + chapters to be none of the least considerable. Now, for want of + being truly acquainted with this secret, common readers imagine, + that by this art of dividing we mean only to swell our works to a + much larger bulk than they would otherwise be extended to. These + several places therefore in our paper, which are filled with our + books and chapters, are understood as so much buckram, stays, and + stay-tape in a taylor's bill, serving only to make up the sum + total, commonly found at the bottom of our first page and of his + last.</p> + <p>But in reality the case is otherwise, and in this as well as all + other instances we consult the advantage of our reader, not our + own; and indeed, many notable uses arise to him from this method; + for, first, those little spaces between our chapters may be looked + upon as an inn or resting-place where he may stop and take a glass + or any other refreshment as it pleases him. Nay, our fine readers + will, perhaps, be scarce able to travel farther than through one of + them in a day. As to those vacant pages which are placed between + our books, they are to be regarded as those stages where in long + journies the traveller stays some time to repose himself, and + consider of what he hath seen in the parts he hath already passed + through; a consideration which I take the liberty to recommend a + little to the reader; for, however swift his capacity may be, I + would not advise him to travel through these pages too fast; for if + he doth, he may probably miss the seeing some curious productions + of nature, which will be observed by the slower and more accurate + reader. A volume without any such places of rest resembles the + opening of wilds or seas, which tires the eye and fatigues the + spirit when entered upon.</p> + <p>Secondly, what are the contents prefixed to every chapter but so + many inscriptions over the gates of inns (to continue the same + metaphor), informing the reader what entertainment he is to expect, + which if he likes not, he may travel on to the next; for, in + biography, as we are not tied down to an exact concatenation + equally with other historians, so a chapter or two (for instance, + this I am now writing) may be often passed over without any injury + to the whole. And in these inscriptions I have been as faithful as + possible, not imitating the celebrated Montaigne, who promises you + one thing and gives you another; nor some title-page authors, who + promise a great deal and produce nothing at all.</p> + <p>There are, besides these more obvious benefits, several others + which our readers enjoy from this art of dividing; though perhaps + most of them too mysterious to be presently understood by any who + are not initiated into the science of authoring. To mention, + therefore, but one which is most obvious, it prevents spoiling the + beauty of a book by turning down its leaves, a method otherwise + necessary to those readers who (though they read with great + improvement and advantage) are apt, when they return to their study + after half-an-hour's absence, to forget where they left off.</p> + <p>These divisions have the sanction of great antiquity. Homer not + only divided his great work into twenty-four books (in compliment + perhaps to the twenty-four letters to which he had very particular + obligations), but, according to the opinion of some very sagacious + critics, hawked them all separately, delivering only one book at a + time (probably by subscription). He was the first inventor of the + art which hath so long lain dormant, of publishing by numbers; an + art now brought to such perfection, that even dictionaries are + divided and exhibited piecemeal to the public; nay, one bookseller + hath (to encourage learning and ease the public) contrived to give + them a dictionary in this divided manner for only fifteen shillings + more than it would have cost entire.</p> + <p>Virgil hath given us his poem in twelve books, an argument of + his modesty; for by that, doubtless, he would insinuate that he + pretends to no more than half the merit of the Greek; for the same + reason, our Milton went originally no farther than ten; till, being + puffed up by the praise of his friends, he put himself on the same + footing with the Roman poet.</p> + <p>I shall not, however, enter so deep into this matter as some + very learned criticks have done; who have with infinite labour and + acute discernment discovered what books are proper for + embellishment, and what require simplicity only, particularly with + regard to similes, which I think are now generally agreed to become + any book but the first.</p> + <p>I will dismiss this chapter with the following observation: that + it becomes an author generally to divide a book, as it does a + butcher to joint his meat, for such assistance is of great help to + both the reader and the carver. And now, having indulged myself a + little, I will endeavour to indulge the curiosity of my reader, who + is no doubt impatient to know what he will find in the subsequent + chapters of this book.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter2" name="book2chapter2">CHAPTER II.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A surprizing instance of Mr Adams's short + memory, with the unfortunate consequences which it brought on + Joseph.</em></p> + <p>Mr Adams and Joseph were now ready to depart different ways, + when an accident determined the former to return with his friend, + which Tow-wouse, Barnabas, and the bookseller had not been able to + do. This accident was, that those sermons, which the parson was + travelling to London to publish, were, O my good reader! left + behind; what he had mistaken for them in the saddlebags being no + other than three shirts, a pair of shoes, and some other + necessaries, which Mrs Adams, who thought her husband would want + shirts more than sermons on his journey, had carefully provided + him.</p> + <p>This discovery was now luckily owing to the presence of Joseph + at the opening the saddlebags; who, having heard his friend say he + carried with him nine volumes of sermons, and not being of that + sect of philosophers who can reduce all the matter of the world + into a nutshell, seeing there was no room for them in the bags, + where the parson had said they were deposited, had the curiosity to + cry out, "Bless me, sir, where are your sermons?" The parson + answered, "There, there, child; there they are, under my shirts." + Now it happened that he had taken forth his last shirt, and the + vehicle remained visibly empty. "Sure, sir," says Joseph, "there is + nothing in the bags." Upon which Adams, starting, and testifying + some surprize, cried, "Hey! fie, fie upon it! they are not here + sure enough. Ay, they are certainly left behind."</p> + <p>Joseph was greatly concerned at the uneasiness which he + apprehended his friend must feel from this disappointment; he + begged him to pursue his journey, and promised he would himself + return with the books to him with the utmost expedition. "No, thank + you, child," answered Adams; "it shall not be so. What would it + avail me, to tarry in the great city, unless I had my discourses + with me, which are <em>ut ita dicam</em>, the sole cause, the + <em>aitia monotate</em> of my peregrination? No, child, as this + accident hath happened, I am resolved to return back to my cure, + together with you; which indeed my inclination sufficiently leads + me to. This disappointment may perhaps be intended for my good." He + concluded with a verse out of Theocritus, which signifies no more + than that sometimes it rains, and sometimes the sun shines.</p> + <p>Joseph bowed with obedience and thankfulness for the inclination + which the parson expressed of returning with him; and now the bill + was called for, which, on examination, amounted within a shilling + to the sum Mr Adams had in his pocket. Perhaps the reader may + wonder how he was able to produce a sufficient sum for so many + days: that he may not be surprized, therefore, it cannot be + unnecessary to acquaint him that he had borrowed a guinea of a + servant belonging to the coach and six, who had been formerly one + of his parishioners, and whose master, the owner of the coach, then + lived within three miles of him; for so good was the credit of Mr + Adams, that even Mr Peter, the Lady Booby's steward, would have + lent him a guinea with very little security.</p> + <p>Mr Adams discharged the bill, and they were both setting out, + having agreed to ride and tie; a method of travelling much used by + persons who have but one horse between them, and is thus performed. + The two travellers set out together, one on horseback, the other on + foot: now, as it generally happens that he on horseback outgoes him + on foot, the custom is, that, when he arrives at the distance + agreed on, he is to dismount, tie the horse to some gate, tree, + post, or other thing, and then proceed on foot; when the other + comes up to the horse he unties him, mounts, and gallops on, till, + having passed by his fellow-traveller, he likewise arrives at the + place of tying. And this is that method of travelling so much in + use among our prudent ancestors, who knew that horses had mouths as + well as legs, and that they could not use the latter without being + at the expense of suffering the beasts themselves to use the + former. This was the method in use in those days when, instead of a + coach and six, a member of parliament's lady used to mount a + pillion behind her husband; and a grave serjeant at law + condescended to amble to Westminster on an easy pad, with his clerk + kicking his heels behind him.</p> + <p class="figure"><a id="figure3" name="figure3"></a> <img + src="images/figure3.png" width="100%" alt="" /><br /> + The hostler presented him a bill.</p> + <p>Adams was now gone some minutes, having insisted on Joseph's + beginning the journey on horseback, and Joseph had his foot in the + stirrup, when the hostler presented him a bill for the horse's + board during his residence at the inn. Joseph said Mr Adams had + paid all; but this matter, being referred to Mr Tow-wouse, was by + him decided in favour of the hostler, and indeed with truth and + justice; for this was a fresh instance of that shortness of memory + which did not arise from want of parts, but that continual hurry in + which parson Adams was always involved.</p> + <p>Joseph was now reduced to a dilemma which extremely puzzled him. + The sum due for horse-meat was twelve shillings (for Adams, who had + borrowed the beast of his clerk, had ordered him to be fed as well + as they could feed him), and the cash in his pocket amounted to + sixpence (for Adams had divided the last shilling with him). Now, + though there have been some ingenious persons who have contrived to + pay twelve shillings with sixpence, Joseph was not one of them. He + had never contracted a debt in his life, and was consequently the + less ready at an expedient to extricate himself. Tow-wouse was + willing to give him credit till next time, to which Mrs Tow-wouse + would probably have consented (for such was Joseph's beauty, that + it had made some impression even on that piece of flint which that + good woman wore in her bosom by way of heart). Joseph would have + found, therefore, very likely the passage free, had he not, when he + honestly discovered the nakedness of his pockets, pulled out that + little piece of gold which we have mentioned before. This caused + Mrs Tow-wouse's eyes to water; she told Joseph she did not conceive + a man could want money whilst he had gold in his pocket. Joseph + answered he had such a value for that little piece of gold, that he + would not part with it for a hundred times the riches which the + greatest esquire in the county was worth. "A pretty way, indeed," + said Mrs Tow-wouse, "to run in debt, and then refuse to part with + your money, because you have a value for it! I never knew any piece + of gold of more value than as many shillings as it would change + for."—"Not to preserve my life from starving, nor to redeem + it from a robber, would I part with this dear piece!" answered + Joseph. "What," says Mrs Tow-wouse, "I suppose it was given you by + some vile trollop, some miss or other; if it had been the present + of a virtuous woman, you would not have had such a value for it. My + husband is a fool if he parts with the horse without being paid for + him."—"No, no, I can't part with the horse, indeed, till I + have the money," cried Tow-wouse. A resolution highly commended by + a lawyer then in the yard, who declared Mr Tow-wouse might justify + the detainer.</p> + <p>As we cannot therefore at present get Mr Joseph out of the inn, + we shall leave him in it, and carry our reader on after parson + Adams, who, his mind being perfectly at ease, fell into a + contemplation on a passage in Aeschylus, which entertained him for + three miles together, without suffering him once to reflect on his + fellow-traveller.</p> + <p>At length, having spun out his thread, and being now at the + summit of a hill, he cast his eyes backwards, and wondered that he + could not see any sign of Joseph. As he left him ready to mount the + horse, he could not apprehend any mischief had happened, neither + could he suspect that he missed his way, it being so broad and + plain; the only reason which presented itself to him was, that he + had met with an acquaintance who had prevailed with him to delay + some time in discourse.</p> + <p>He therefore resolved to proceed slowly forwards, not doubting + but that he should be shortly overtaken; and soon came to a large + water, which, filling the whole road, he saw no method of passing + unless by wading through, which he accordingly did up to his + middle; but was no sooner got to the other side than he perceived, + if he had looked over the hedge, he would have found a footpath + capable of conducting him without wetting his shoes.</p> + <p>His surprize at Joseph's not coming up grew now very + troublesome: he began to fear he knew not what; and as he + determined to move no farther, and, if he did not shortly overtake + him, to return back, he wished to find a house of public + entertainment where he might dry his clothes and refresh himself + with a pint; but, seeing no such (for no other reason than because + he did not cast his eyes a hundred yards forwards), he sat himself + down on a stile, and pulled out his Aeschylus.</p> + <p>A fellow passing presently by, Adams asked him if he could + direct him to an alehouse. The fellow, who had just left it, and + perceived the house and sign to be within sight, thinking he had + jeered him, and being of a morose temper, bade him follow his nose + and be d—n'd. Adams told him he was a saucy jackanapes; upon + which the fellow turned about angrily; but, perceiving Adams clench + his fist, he thought proper to go on without taking any farther + notice.</p> + <p>A horseman, following immediately after, and being asked the + same question, answered, "Friend, there is one within a stone's + throw; I believe you may see it before you." Adams, lifting up his + eyes, cried, "I protest, and so there is;" and, thanking his + informer, proceeded directly to it.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter3" name="book2chapter3">CHAPTER + III.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>The opinion of two lawyers concerning the + same gentleman, with Mr Adams's inquiry into the religion of his + host.</em></p> + <p>He had just entered the house, and called for his pint, and + seated himself, when two horsemen came to the door, and, fastening + their horses to the rails, alighted. They said there was a violent + shower of rain coming on, which they intended to weather there, and + went into a little room by themselves, not perceiving Mr Adams.</p> + <p>One of these immediately asked the other, "If he had seen a more + comical adventure a great while?" Upon which the other said, "He + doubted whether, by law, the landlord could justify detaining the + horse for his corn and hay." But the former answered, "Undoubtedly + he can; it is an adjudged case, and I have known it tried."</p> + <p>Adams, who, though he was, as the reader may suspect, a little + inclined to forgetfulness, never wanted more than a hint to remind + him, overhearing their discourse, immediately suggested to himself + that this was his own horse, and that he had forgot to pay for him, + which, upon inquiry, he was certified of by the gentlemen; who + added, that the horse was likely to have more rest than food, + unless he was paid for.</p> + <p>The poor parson resolved to return presently to the inn, though + he knew no more than Joseph how to procure his horse his liberty; + he was, however, prevailed on to stay under covert, till the + shower, which was now very violent, was over.</p> + <p>The three travellers then sat down together over a mug of good + beer; when Adams, who had observed a gentleman's house as he passed + along the road, inquired to whom it belonged; one of the horsemen + had no sooner mentioned the owner's name, than the other began to + revile him in the most opprobrious terms. The English language + scarce affords a single reproachful word, which he did not vent on + this occasion. He charged him likewise with many particular facts. + He said, "He no more regarded a field of wheat when he was hunting, + than he did the highway; that he had injured several poor farmers + by trampling their corn under his horse's heels; and if any of them + begged him with the utmost submission to refrain, his horsewhip was + always ready to do them justice." He said, "That he was the + greatest tyrant to the neighbours in every other instance, and + would not suffer a farmer to keep a gun, though he might justify it + by law; and in his own family so cruel a master, that he never kept + a servant a twelvemonth. In his capacity as a justice," continued + he, "he behaves so partially, that he commits or acquits just as he + is in the humour, without any regard to truth or evidence; the + devil may carry any one before him for me; I would rather be tried + before some judges, than be a prosecutor before him: if I had an + estate in the neighbourhood, I would sell it for half the value + rather than live near him."</p> + <p>Adams shook his head, and said, "He was sorry such men were + suffered to proceed with impunity, and that riches could set any + man above the law." The reviler, a little after, retiring into the + yard, the gentleman who had first mentioned his name to Adams began + to assure him "that his companion was a prejudiced person. It is + true," says he, "perhaps, that he may have sometimes pursued his + game over a field of corn, but he hath always made the party ample + satisfaction: that so far from tyrannising over his neighbours, or + taking away their guns, he himself knew several farmers not + qualified, who not only kept guns, but killed game with them; that + he was the best of masters to his servants, and several of them had + grown old in his service; that he was the best justice of peace in + the kingdom, and, to his certain knowledge, had decided many + difficult points, which were referred to him, with the greatest + equity and the highest wisdom; and he verily believed, several + persons would give a year's purchase more for an estate near him, + than under the wings of any other great man." He had just finished + his encomium when his companion returned and acquainted him the + storm was over. Upon which they presently mounted their horses and + departed.</p> + <p>Adams, who was in the utmost anxiety at those different + characters of the same person, asked his host if he knew the + gentleman: for he began to imagine they had by mistake been + speaking of two several gentlemen. "No, no, master," answered the + host (a shrewd, cunning fellow); "I know the gentleman very well of + whom they have been speaking, as I do the gentlemen who spoke of + him. As for riding over other men's corn, to my knowledge he hath + not been on horseback these two years. I never heard he did any + injury of that kind; and as to making reparation, he is not so free + of his money as that comes to neither. Nor did I ever hear of his + taking away any man's gun; nay, I know several who have guns in + their houses; but as for killing game with them, no man is + stricter; and I believe he would ruin any who did. You heard one of + the gentlemen say he was the worst master in the world, and the + other that he is the best; but for my own part, I know all his + servants, and never heard from any of them that he was either one + or the other."—"Aye! aye!" says Adams; "and how doth he + behave as a justice, pray?"—"Faith, friend," answered the + host, "I question whether he is in the commission; the only cause I + have heard he hath decided a great while, was one between those + very two persons who just went out of this house; and I am sure he + determined that justly, for I heard the whole matter."—"Which + did He decide it in favour of?" quoth Adams.—"I think I need + not answer that question," cried the host, "after the different + characters you have heard of him. It is not my business to + contradict gentlemen while they are drinking in my house; but I + knew neither of them spoke a syllable of truth."—"God + forbid!" said Adams, "that men should arrive at such a pitch of + wickedness to belye the character of their neighbour from a little + private affection, or, what is infinitely worse, a private spite. I + rather believe we have mistaken them, and they mean two other + persons; for there are many houses on the road."—"Why, + prithee, friend," cries the host, "dost thou pretend never to have + told a lye in thy life?"—"Never a malicious one, I am + certain," answered Adams, "nor with a design to injure the + reputation of any man living."—"Pugh! malicious; no, no," + replied the host; "not malicious with a design to hang a man, or + bring him into trouble; but surely, out of love to oneself, one + must speak better of a friend than an enemy."—"Out of love to + yourself, you should confine yourself to truth," says Adams, "for + by doing otherwise you injure the noblest part of yourself, your + immortal soul. I can hardly believe any man such an idiot to risque + the loss of that by any trifling gain, and the greatest gain in + this world is but dirt in comparison of what shall be revealed + hereafter." Upon which the host, taking up the cup, with a smile, + drank a health to hereafter; adding, "He was for something + present."—"Why," says Adams very gravely, "do not you believe + another world?" To which the host answered, "Yes; he was no + atheist."—"And you believe you have an immortal soul?" cries + Adams. He answered, "God forbid he should not."—"And heaven + and hell?" said the parson. The host then bid him "not to profane; + for those were things not to be mentioned nor thought of but in + church." Adams asked him, "Why he went to church, if what he + learned there had no influence on his conduct in life?" "I go to + church," answered the host, "to say my prayers and behave + godly."—"And dost not thou," cried Adams, "believe what thou + hearest at church?"—"Most part of it, master," returned the + host. "And dost not thou then tremble," cries Adams, "at the + thought of eternal punishment?"—"As for that, master," said + he, "I never once thought about it; but what signifies talking + about matters so far off? The mug is out, shall I draw + another?"</p> + <p>Whilst he was going for that purpose, a stage-coach drove up to + the door. The coachman coming into the house was asked by the + mistress what passengers he had in his coach? "A parcel of + squinny-gut b—s," says he; "I have a good mind to overturn + them; you won't prevail upon them to drink anything, I assure you." + Adams asked him, "If he had not seen a young man on horseback on + the road" (describing Joseph). "Aye," said the coachman, "a + gentlewoman in my coach that is his acquaintance redeemed him and + his horse; he would have been here before this time, had not the + storm driven him to shelter." "God bless her!" said Adams, in a + rapture; nor could he delay walking out to satisfy himself who this + charitable woman was; but what was his surprize when he saw his old + acquaintance, Madam Slipslop? Hers indeed was not so great, because + she had been informed by Joseph that he was on the road. Very civil + were the salutations on both sides; and Mrs Slipslop rebuked the + hostess for denying the gentleman to be there when she asked for + him; but indeed the poor woman had not erred designedly; for Mrs + Slipslop asked for a clergyman, and she had unhappily mistaken + Adams for a person travelling to a neighbouring fair with the + thimble and button, or some other such operation; for he marched in + a swinging great but short white coat with black buttons, a short + wig, and a hat which, so far from having a black hatband, had + nothing black about it.</p> + <p>Joseph was now come up, and Mrs Slipslop would have had him quit + his horse to the parson, and come himself into the coach; but he + absolutely refused, saying, he thanked Heaven he was well enough + recovered to be very able to ride; and added, he hoped he knew his + duty better than to ride in a coach while Mr Adams was on + horseback.</p> + <p>Mrs Slipslop would have persisted longer, had not a lady in the + coach put a short end to the dispute, by refusing to suffer a + fellow in a livery to ride in the same coach with herself; so it + was at length agreed that Adams should fill the vacant place in the + coach, and Joseph should proceed on horseback.</p> + <p>They had not proceeded far before Mrs Slipslop, addressing + herself to the parson, spoke thus:—"There hath been a strange + alteration in our family, Mr Adams, since Sir Thomas's death." "A + strange alteration indeed," says Adams, "as I gather from some + hints which have dropped from Joseph."—"Aye," says she, "I + could never have believed it; but the longer one lives in the + world, the more one sees. So Joseph hath given you hints." "But of + what nature will always remain a perfect secret with me," cries the + parson: "he forced me to promise before he would communicate + anything. I am indeed concerned to find her ladyship behave in so + unbecoming a manner. I always thought her in the main a good lady, + and should never have suspected her of thoughts so unworthy a + Christian, and with a young lad her own servant." "These things are + no secrets to me, I assure you," cries Slipslop, "and I believe + they will be none anywhere shortly; for ever since the boy's + departure, she hath behaved more like a mad woman than anything + else." "Truly, I am heartily concerned," says Adams, "for she was a + good sort of a lady. Indeed, I have often wished she had attended a + little more constantly at the service, but she hath done a great + deal of good in the parish." "O Mr Adams," says Slipslop, "people + that don't see all, often know nothing. Many things have been given + away in our family, I do assure you, without her knowledge. I have + heard you say in the pulpit we ought not to brag; but indeed I + can't avoid saying, if she had kept the keys herself, the poor + would have wanted many a cordial which I have let them have. As for + my late master, he was as worthy a man as ever lived, and would + have done infinite good if he had not been controlled; but he loved + a quiet life, Heaven rest his soul! I am confident he is there, and + enjoys a quiet life, which some folks would not allow him + here."—Adams answered, "He had never heard this before, and + was mistaken if she herself (for he remembered she used to commend + her mistress and blame her master) had not formerly been of another + opinion." "I don't know," replied she, "what I might once think; + but now I am confidous matters are as I tell you; the world will + shortly see who hath been deceived; for my part, I say nothing, but + that it is wondersome how some people can carry all things with a + grave face."</p> + <p>Thus Mr Adams and she discoursed, till they came opposite to a + great house which stood at some distance from the road: a lady in + the coach, spying it, cried, "Yonder lives the unfortunate Leonora, + if one can justly call a woman unfortunate whom we must own at the + same time guilty and the author of her own calamity." This was + abundantly sufficient to awaken the curiosity of Mr Adams, as + indeed it did that of the whole company, who jointly solicited the + lady to acquaint them with Leonora's history, since it seemed, by + what she had said, to contain something remarkable.</p> + <p>The lady, who was perfectly well-bred, did not require many + entreaties, and having only wished their entertainment might make + amends for the company's attention, she began in the following + manner.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter4" name="book2chapter4">CHAPTER IV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>The history of Leonora, or the unfortunate + jilt.</em></p> + <p>Leonora was the daughter of a gentleman of fortune; she was tall + and well-shaped, with a sprightliness in her countenance which + often attracts beyond more regular features joined with an insipid + air: nor is this kind of beauty less apt to deceive than allure; + the good humour which it indicates being often mistaken for good + nature, and the vivacity for true understanding.</p> + <p>Leonora, who was now at the age of eighteen, lived with an aunt + of hers in a town in the north of England. She was an extreme lover + of gaiety, and very rarely missed a ball or any other public + assembly; where she had frequent opportunities of satisfying a + greedy appetite of vanity, with the preference which was given her + by the men to almost every other woman present.</p> + <p>Among many young fellows who were particular in their + gallantries towards her, Horatio soon distinguished himself in her + eyes beyond all his competitors; she danced with more than ordinary + gaiety when he happened to be her partner; neither the fairness of + the evening, nor the musick of the nightingale, could lengthen her + walk like his company. She affected no longer to understand the + civilities of others; whilst she inclined so attentive an ear to + every compliment of Horatio, that she often smiled even when it was + too delicate for her comprehension.</p> + <p>"Pray, madam," says Adams, "who was this squire Horatio?"</p> + <p>Horatio, says the lady, was a young gentleman of a good family, + bred to the law, and had been some few years called to the degree + of a barrister. His face and person were such as the generality + allowed handsome; but he had a dignity in his air very rarely to be + seen. His temper was of the saturnine complexion, and without the + least taint of moroseness. He had wit and humour, with an + inclination to satire, which he indulged rather too much.</p> + <p>This gentleman, who had contracted the most violent passion for + Leonora, was the last person who perceived the probability of its + success. The whole town had made the match for him before he + himself had drawn a confidence from her actions sufficient to + mention his passion to her; for it was his opinion (and perhaps he + was there in the right) that it is highly impolitick to talk + seriously of love to a woman before you have made such a progress + in her affections, that she herself expects and desires to hear + it.</p> + <p>But whatever diffidence the fears of a lover may create, which + are apt to magnify every favour conferred on a rival, and to see + the little advances towards themselves through the other end of the + perspective, it was impossible that Horatio's passion should so + blind his discernment as to prevent his conceiving hopes from the + behaviour of Leonora, whose fondness for him was now as visible to + an indifferent person in their company as his for her.</p> + <p>"I never knew any of these forward sluts come to good" (says the + lady who refused Joseph's entrance into the coach), "nor shall I + wonder at anything she doth in the sequel."</p> + <p>The lady proceeded in her story thus: It was in the midst of a + gay conversation in the walks one evening, when Horatio whispered + Leonora, that he was desirous to take a turn or two with her in + private, for that he had something to communicate to her of great + consequence. "Are you sure it is of consequence?" said she, + smiling. "I hope," answered he, "you will think so too, since the + whole future happiness of my life must depend on the event."</p> + <p>Leonora, who very much suspected what was coming, would have + deferred it till another time; but Horatio, who had more than half + conquered the difficulty of speaking by the first motion, was so + very importunate, that she at last yielded, and, leaving the rest + of the company, they turned aside into an unfrequented walk.</p> + <p>They had retired far out of the sight of the company, both + maintaining a strict silence. At last Horatio made a full stop, and + taking Leonora, who stood pale and trembling, gently by the hand, + he fetched a deep sigh, and then, looking on her eyes with all the + tenderness imaginable, he cried out in a faltering accent, "O + Leonora! is it necessary for me to declare to you on what the + future happiness of my life must be founded? Must I say there is + something belonging to you which is a bar to my happiness, and + which unless you will part with, I must be miserable!"—"What + can that be?" replied Leonora. "No wonder," said he, "you are + surprized that I should make an objection to anything which is + yours: yet sure you may guess, since it is the only one which the + riches of the world, if they were mine, should purchase for me. Oh, + it is that which you must part with to bestow all the rest! Can + Leonora, or rather will she, doubt longer? Let me then whisper it + in her ears—It is your name, madam. It is by parting with + that, by your condescension to be for ever mine, which must at once + prevent me from being the most miserable, and will render me the + happiest of mankind."</p> + <p>Leonora, covered with blushes, and with as angry a look as she + could possibly put on, told him, "That had she suspected what his + declaration would have been, he should not have decoyed her from + her company, that he had so surprized and frighted her, that she + begged him to convey her back as quick as possible;" which he, + trembling very near as much as herself, did.</p> + <p>"More fool he," cried Slipslop; "it is a sign he knew very + little of our sect."—"Truly, madam," said Adams, "I think you + are in the right: I should have insisted to know a piece of her + mind, when I had carried matters so far." But Mrs Grave-airs + desired the lady to omit all such fulsome stuff in her story, for + that it made her sick.</p> + <p>Well then, madam, to be as concise as possible, said the lady, + many weeks had not passed after this interview before Horatio and + Leonora were what they call on a good footing together. All + ceremonies except the last were now over; the writings were now + drawn, and everything was in the utmost forwardness preparative to + the putting Horatio in possession of all his wishes. I will, if you + please, repeat you a letter from each of them, which I have got by + heart, and which will give you no small idea of their passion on + both sides.</p> + <p>Mrs Grave-airs objected to hearing these letters; but being put + to the vote, it was carried against her by all the rest in the + coach; parson Adams contending for it with the utmost + vehemence.</p> + <p>HORATIO TO LEONORA.</p> + <p>"How vain, most adorable creature, is the pursuit of pleasure in + the absence of an object to which the mind is entirely devoted, + unless it have some relation to that object! I was last night + condemned to the society of men of wit and learning, which, however + agreeable it might have formerly been to me, now only gave me a + suspicion that they imputed my absence in conversation to the true + cause. For which reason, when your engagements forbid me the + ecstatic happiness of seeing you, I am always desirous to be alone; + since my sentiments for Leonora are so delicate, that I cannot bear + the apprehension of another's prying into those delightful + endearments with which the warm imagination of a lover will + sometimes indulge him, and which I suspect my eyes then betray. To + fear this discovery of our thoughts may perhaps appear too + ridiculous a nicety to minds not susceptible of all the + tendernesses of this delicate passion. And surely we shall suspect + there are few such, when we consider that it requires every human + virtue to exert itself in its full extent; since the beloved, whose + happiness it ultimately respects, may give us charming + opportunities of being brave in her defence, generous to her wants, + compassionate to her afflictions, grateful to her kindness; and in + the same manner, of exercising every other virtue, which he who + would not do to any degree, and that with the utmost rapture, can + never deserve the name of a lover. It is, therefore, with a view to + the delicate modesty of your mind that I cultivate it so purely in + my own; and it is that which will sufficiently suggest to you the + uneasiness I bear from those liberties, which men to whom the world + allow politeness will sometimes give themselves on these + occasions.</p> + <p>"Can I tell you with what eagerness I expect the arrival of that + blest day, when I shall experience the falsehood of a common + assertion, that the greatest human happiness consists in hope? A + doctrine which no person had ever stronger reason to believe than + myself at present, since none ever tasted such bliss as fires my + bosom with the thoughts of spending my future days with such a + companion, and that every action of my life will have the glorious + satisfaction of conducing to your happiness."</p> + <p>LEONORA TO HORATIO. <a id="footnote5tag" + name="footnote5tag"></a><a href="#footnote5"><sup>5</sup></a></p> + <p>"The refinement of your mind has been so evidently proved by + every word and action ever since I had the first pleasure of + knowing you, that I thought it impossible my good opinion of + Horatio could have been heightened to any additional proof of + merit. This very thought was my amusement when I received your last + letter, which, when I opened, I confess I was surprized to find the + delicate sentiments expressed there so far exceeding what I thought + could come even from you (although I know all the generous + principles human nature is capable of are centred in your breast), + that words cannot paint what I feel on the reflection that my + happiness shall be the ultimate end of all your actions.</p> + <p>"Oh, Horatio! what a life must that be, where the meanest + domestic cares are sweetened by the pleasing consideration that the + man on earth who best deserves, and to whom you are most inclined + to give your affections, is to reap either profit or pleasure from + all you do! In such a case toils must be turned into diversions, + and nothing but the unavoidable inconveniences of life can make us + remember that we are mortal.</p> + <p>"If the solitary turn of your thoughts, and the desire of + keeping them undiscovered, makes even the conversation of men of + wit and learning tedious to you, what anxious hours must I spend, + who am condemned by custom to the conversation of women, whose + natural curiosity leads them to pry into all my thoughts, and whose + envy can never suffer Horatio's heart to be possessed by any one, + without forcing them into malicious designs against the person who + is so happy as to possess it! But, indeed, if ever envy can + possibly have any excuse, or even alleviation, it is in this case, + where the good is so great, and it must be equally natural to all + to wish it for themselves; nor am I ashamed to own it: and to your + merit, Horatio, I am obliged, that prevents my being in that most + uneasy of all the situations I can figure in my imagination, of + being led by inclination to love the person whom my own judgment + forces me to condemn."</p> + <p>Matters were in so great forwardness between this fond couple, + that the day was fixed for their marriage, and was now within a + fortnight, when the sessions chanced to be held for that county in + a town about twenty miles' distance from that which is the scene of + our story. It seems, it is usual for the young gentlemen of the bar + to repair to these sessions, not so much for the sake of profit as + to show their parts and learn the law of the justices of peace; for + which purpose one of the wisest and gravest of all the justices is + appointed speaker, or chairman, as they modestly call it, and he + reads them a lecture, and instructs them in the true knowledge of + the law.</p> + <p>"You are here guilty of a little mistake," says Adams, "which, + if you please, I will correct: I have attended at one of these + quarter-sessions, where I observed the counsel taught the justices, + instead of learning anything of them."</p> + <p>It is not very material, said the lady. Hither repaired Horatio, + who, as he hoped by his profession to advance his fortune, which + was not at present very large, for the sake of his dear Leonora, he + resolved to spare no pains, nor lose any opportunity of improving + or advancing himself in it.</p> + <p>The same afternoon in which he left the town, as Leonora stood + at her window, a coach and six passed by, which she declared to be + the completest, genteelest, prettiest equipage she ever saw; adding + these remarkable words, "Oh, I am in love with that equipage!" + which, though her friend Florella at that time did not greatly + regard, she hath since remembered.</p> + <p>In the evening an assembly was held, which Leonora honoured with + her company; but intended to pay her dear Horatio the compliment of + refusing to dance in his absence.</p> + <p>Oh, why have not women as good resolution to maintain their vows + as they have often good inclinations in making them!</p> + <p>The gentleman who owned the coach and six came to the assembly. + His clothes were as remarkably fine as his equipage could be. He + soon attracted the eyes of the company; all the smarts, all the + silk waistcoats with silver and gold edgings, were eclipsed in an + instant.</p> + <p>"Madam," said Adams, "if it be not impertinent, I should be glad + to know how this gentleman was drest."</p> + <p>Sir, answered the lady, I have been told he had on a cut velvet + coat of a cinnamon colour, lined with a pink satten, embroidered + all over with gold; his waistcoat, which was cloth of silver, was + embroidered with gold likewise. I cannot be particular as to the + rest of his dress; but it was all in the French fashion, for + Bellarmine (that was his name) was just arrived from Paris.</p> + <p>This fine figure did not more entirely engage the eyes of every + lady in the assembly than Leonora did his. He had scarce beheld + her, but he stood motionless and fixed as a statue, or at least + would have done so if good breeding had permitted him. However, he + carried it so far before he had power to correct himself, that + every person in the room easily discovered where his admiration was + settled. The other ladies began to single out their former + partners, all perceiving who would be Bellarmine's choice; which + they however endeavoured, by all possible means, to prevent: many + of them saying to Leonora, "O madam! I suppose we shan't have the + pleasure of seeing you dance to-night;" and then crying out, in + Bellarmine's hearing, "Oh! Leonora will not dance, I assure you: + her partner is not here." One maliciously attempted to prevent her, + by sending a disagreeable fellow to ask her, that so she might be + obliged either to dance with him, or sit down; but this scheme + proved abortive.</p> + <p>Leonora saw herself admired by the fine stranger, and envied by + every woman present. Her little heart began to flutter within her, + and her head was agitated with a convulsive motion: she seemed as + if she would speak to several of her acquaintance, but had nothing + to say; for, as she would not mention her present triumph, so she + could not disengage her thoughts one moment from the contemplation + of it. She had never tasted anything like this happiness. She had + before known what it was to torment a single woman; but to be hated + and secretly cursed by a whole assembly was a joy reserved for this + blessed moment. As this vast profusion of ecstasy had confounded + her understanding, so there was nothing so foolish as her + behaviour: she played a thousand childish tricks, distorted her + person into several shapes, and her face into several laughs, + without any reason. In a word, her carriage was as absurd as her + desires, which were to affect an insensibility of the stranger's + admiration, and at the same time a triumph, from that admiration, + over every woman in the room.</p> + <p>In this temper of mind, Bellarmine, having inquired who she was, + advanced to her, and with a low bow begged the honour of dancing + with her, which she, with as low a curtesy, immediately granted. + She danced with him all night, and enjoyed, perhaps, the highest + pleasure that she was capable of feeling.</p> + <p>At these words, Adams fetched a deep groan, which frighted the + ladies, who told him, "They hoped he was not ill." He answered, "He + groaned only for the folly of Leonora."</p> + <p>Leonora retired (continued the lady) about six in the morning, + but not to rest. She tumbled and tossed in her bed, with very short + intervals of sleep, and those entirely filled with dreams of the + equipage and fine clothes she had seen, and the balls, operas, and + ridottos, which had been the subject of their conversation.</p> + <p>In the afternoon, Bellarmine, in the dear coach and six, came to + wait on her. He was indeed charmed with her person, and was, on + inquiry, so well pleased with the circumstances of her father (for + he himself, notwithstanding all his finery, was not quite so rich + as a Croesus or an Attalus).—"Attalus," says Mr. Adams: "but + pray how came you acquainted with these names?" The lady smiled at + the question, and proceeded. He was so pleased, I say, that he + resolved to make his addresses to her directly. He did so + accordingly, and that with so much warmth and briskness, that he + quickly baffled her weak repulses, and obliged the lady to refer + him to her father, who, she knew, would quickly declare in favour + of a coach and six.</p> + <p>Thus what Horatio had by sighs and tears, love and tenderness, + been so long obtaining, the French-English Bellarmine with gaiety + and gallantry possessed himself of in an instant. In other words, + what modesty had employed a full year in raising, impudence + demolished in twenty-four hours.</p> + <p>Here Adams groaned a second time; but the ladies, who began to + smoke him, took no notice.</p> + <p>From the opening of the assembly till the end of Bellarmine's + visit, Leonora had scarce once thought of Horatio; but he now + began, though an unwelcome guest, to enter into her mind. She + wished she had seen the charming Bellarmine and his charming + equipage before matters had gone so far. "Yet why," says she, + "should I wish to have seen him before; or what signifies it that I + have seen him now? Is not Horatio my lover, almost my husband? Is + he not as handsome, nay handsomer than Bellarmine? Aye, but + Bellarmine is the genteeler, and the finer man; yes, that he must + be allowed. Yes, yes, he is that certainly. But did not I, no + longer ago than yesterday, love Horatio more than all the world? + Aye, but yesterday I had not seen Bellarmine. But doth not Horatio + doat on me, and may he not in despair break his heart if I abandon + him? Well, and hath not Bellarmine a heart to break too? Yes, but I + promised Horatio first; but that was poor Bellarmine's misfortune; + if I had seen him first, I should certainly have preferred him. Did + not the dear creature prefer me to every woman in the assembly, + when every she was laying out for him? When was it in Horatio's + power to give me such an instance of affection? Can he give me an + equipage, or any of those things which Bellarmine will make me + mistress of? How vast is the difference between being the wife of a + poor counsellor and the wife of one of Bellarmine's fortune! If I + marry Horatio, I shall triumph over no more than one rival; but by + marrying Bellarmine, I shall be the envy of all my acquaintance. + What happiness! But can I suffer Horatio to die? for he hath sworn + he cannot survive my loss: but perhaps he may not die: if he + should, can I prevent it? Must I sacrifice myself to him? besides, + Bellarmine may be as miserable for me too." She was thus arguing + with herself, when some young ladies called her to the walks, and a + little relieved her anxiety for the present.</p> + <p>The next morning Bellarmine breakfasted with her in presence of + her aunt, whom he sufficiently informed of his passion for Leonora. + He was no sooner withdrawn than the old lady began to advise her + niece on this occasion. "You see, child," says she, "what fortune + hath thrown in your way; and I hope you will not withstand your own + preferment." Leonora, sighing, begged her not to mention any such + thing, when she knew her engagements to Horatio. "Engagements to a + fig!" cried the aunt; "you should thank Heaven on your knees that + you have it yet in your power to break them. Will any woman + hesitate a moment whether she shall ride in a coach or walk on foot + all the days of her life? But Bellarmine drives six, and Horatio + not even a pair."—"Yes, but, madam, what will the world say?" + answered Leonora: "will not they condemn me?"—"The world is + always on the side of prudence," cries the aunt, "and would surely + condemn you if you sacrificed your interest to any motive whatever. + Oh! I know the world very well; and you shew your ignorance, my + dear, by your objection. O' my conscience! the world is wiser. I + have lived longer in it than you; and I assure you there is not + anything worth our regard besides money; nor did I ever know one + person who married from other considerations, who did not + afterwards heartily repent it. Besides, if we examine the two men, + can you prefer a sneaking fellow, who hath been bred at the + university, to a fine gentleman just come from his travels. All the + world must allow Bellarmine to be a fine gentleman, positively a + fine gentleman, and a handsome man."—"Perhaps, madam, I + should not doubt, if I knew how to be handsomely off with the + other."—"Oh! leave that to me," says the aunt. "You know your + father hath not been acquainted with the affair. Indeed, for my + part I thought it might do well enough, not dreaming of such an + offer; but I'll disengage you: leave me to give the fellow an + answer. I warrant you shall have no farther trouble."</p> + <p>Leonora was at length satisfied with her aunt's reasoning; and + Bellarmine supping with her that evening, it was agreed he should + the next morning go to her father and propose the match, which she + consented should be consummated at his return.</p> + <p>The aunt retired soon after supper; and, the lovers being left + together, Bellarmine began in the following manner: "Yes, madam; + this coat, I assure you, was made at Paris, and I defy the best + English taylor even to imitate it. There is not one of them can + cut, madam; they can't cut. If you observe how this skirt is + turned, and this sleeve: a clumsy English rascal can do nothing + like it. Pray, how do you like my liveries?" Leonora answered, "She + thought them very pretty."—"All French," says he, "I assure + you, except the greatcoats; I never trust anything more than a + greatcoat to an Englishman. You know one must encourage our own + people what one can, especially as, before I had a place, I was in + the country interest, he, he, he! But for myself, I would see the + dirty island at the bottom of the sea, rather than wear a single + rag of English work about me: and I am sure, after you have made + one tour to Paris, you will be of the same opinion with regard to + your own clothes. You can't conceive what an addition a French + dress would be to your beauty; I positively assure you, at the + first opera I saw since I came over, I mistook the English ladies + for chambermaids, he, he, he!"</p> + <p>With such sort of polite discourse did the gay Bellarmine + entertain his beloved Leonora, when the door opened on a sudden, + and Horatio entered the room. Here 'tis impossible to express the + surprize of Leonora.</p> + <p>"Poor woman!" says Mrs Slipslop, "what a terrible quandary she + must be in!"—"Not at all," says Mrs Grave-airs; "such sluts + can never be confounded."—"She must have then more than + Corinthian assurance," said Adams; "aye, more than Lais + herself."</p> + <p>A long silence, continued the lady, prevailed in the whole + company. If the familiar entrance of Horatio struck the greatest + astonishment into Bellarmine, the unexpected presence of Bellarmine + no less surprized Horatio. At length Leonora, collecting all the + spirit she was mistress of, addressed herself to the latter, and + pretended to wonder at the reason of so late a visit. "I should + indeed," answered he, "have made some apology for disturbing you at + this hour, had not my finding you in company assured me I do not + break in upon your repose." Bellarmine rose from his chair, + traversed the room in a minuet step, and hummed an opera tune, + while Horatio, advancing to Leonora, asked her in a whisper if that + gentleman was not a relation of hers; to which she answered with a + smile, or rather sneer, "No, he is no relation of mine yet;" + adding, "she could not guess the meaning of his question." Horatio + told her softly, "It did not arise from jealousy."—"Jealousy! + I assure you, it would be very strange in a common acquaintance to + give himself any of those airs." These words a little surprized + Horatio; but, before he had time to answer, Bellarmine danced up to + the lady and told her, "He feared he interrupted some business + between her and the gentleman."—"I can have no business," + said she, "with the gentleman, nor any other, which need be any + secret to you."</p> + <p>"You'll pardon me," said Horatio, "if I desire to know who this + gentleman is who is to be entrusted with all our + secrets."—"You'll know soon enough," cries Leonora; "but I + can't guess what secrets can ever pass between us of such mighty + consequence."—"No, madam!" cries Horatio; "I am sure you + would not have me understand you in earnest."—"'Tis + indifferent to me," says she, "how you understand me; but I think + so unseasonable a visit is difficult to be understood at all, at + least when people find one engaged: though one's servants do not + deny one, one may expect a well-bred person should soon take the + hint." "Madam," said Horatio, "I did not imagine any engagement + with a stranger, as it seems this gentleman is, would have made my + visit impertinent, or that any such ceremonies were to be preserved + between persons in our situation." "Sure you are in a dream," says + she, "or would persuade me that I am in one. I know no pretensions + a common acquaintance can have to lay aside the ceremonies of good + breeding." "Sure," said he, "I am in a dream; for it is impossible + I should be really esteemed a common acquaintance by Leonora, after + what has passed between us?" "Passed between us! Do you intend to + affront me before this gentleman?" "D—n me, affront the + lady," says Bellarmine, cocking his hat, and strutting up to + Horatio: "does any man dare affront this lady before me, d—n + me?" "Hark'ee, sir," says Horatio, "I would advise you to lay aside + that fierce air; for I am mightily deceived if this lady has not a + violent desire to get your worship a good drubbing." "Sir," said + Bellarmine, "I have the honour to be her protector; and, d—n + me, if I understand your meaning." "Sir," answered Horatio, "she is + rather your protectress; but give yourself no more airs, for you + see I am prepared for you" (shaking his whip at him). "Oh! + <em>serviteur tres humble</em>," says Bellarmine: "<em>Je vous + entend parfaitment bien</em>." At which time the aunt, who had + heard of Horatio's visit, entered the room, and soon satisfied all + his doubts. She convinced him that he was never more awake in his + life, and that nothing more extraordinary had happened in his three + days' absence than a small alteration in the affections of Leonora; + who now burst into tears, and wondered what reason she had given + him to use her in so barbarous a manner. Horatio desired Bellarmine + to withdraw with him; but the ladies prevented it by laying violent + hands on the latter; upon which the former took his leave without + any great ceremony, and departed, leaving the lady with his rival + to consult for his safety, which Leonora feared her indiscretion + might have endangered; but the aunt comforted her with assurances + that Horatio would not venture his person against so accomplished a + cavalier as Bellarmine, and that, being a lawyer, he would seek + revenge in his own way, and the most they had to apprehend from him + was an action.</p> + <p>They at length therefore agreed to permit Bellarmine to retire + to his lodgings, having first settled all matters relating to the + journey which he was to undertake in the morning, and their + preparations for the nuptials at his return.</p> + <p>But, alas! as wise men have observed, the seat of valour is not + the countenance; and many a grave and plain man will, on a just + provocation, betake himself to that mischievous metal, cold iron; + while men of a fiercer brow, and sometimes with that emblem of + courage, a cockade, will more prudently decline it.</p> + <p>Leonora was waked in the morning, from a visionary coach and + six, with the dismal account that Bellarmine was run through the + body by Horatio; that he lay languishing at an inn, and the + surgeons had declared the wound mortal. She immediately leaped out + of the bed, danced about the room in a frantic manner, tore her + hair and beat her breast in all the agonies of despair; in which + sad condition her aunt, who likewise arose at the news, found her. + The good old lady applied her utmost art to comfort her niece. She + told her, "While there was life there was hope; but that if he + should die her affliction would be of no service to Bellarmine, and + would only expose herself, which might, probably, keep her some + time without any future offer; that, as matters had happened, her + wisest way would be to think no more of Bellarmine, but to + endeavour to regain the affections of Horatio." "Speak not to me," + cried the disconsolate Leonora; "is it not owing to me that poor + Bellarmine has lost his life? Have not these cursed charms (at + which words she looked steadfastly in the glass) been the ruin of + the most charming man of this age? Can I ever bear to contemplate + my own face again (with her eyes still fixed on the glass)? Am I + not the murderess of the finest gentleman? No other woman in the + town could have made any impression on him." "Never think of things + past," cries the aunt: "think of regaining the affections of + Horatio." "What reason," said the niece, "have I to hope he would + forgive me? No, I have lost him as well as the other, and it was + your wicked advice which was the occasion of all; you seduced me, + contrary to my inclinations, to abandon poor Horatio (at which + words she burst into tears); you prevailed upon me, whether I would + or no, to give up my affections for him; had it not been for you, + Bellarmine never would have entered into my thoughts; had not his + addresses been backed by your persuasions, they never would have + made any impression on me; I should have defied all the fortune and + equipage in the world; but it was you, it was you, who got the + better of my youth and simplicity, and forced me to lose my dear + Horatio for ever."</p> + <p>The aunt was almost borne down with this torrent of words; she, + however, rallied all the strength she could, and, drawing her mouth + up in a purse, began: "I am not surprized, niece, at this + ingratitude. Those who advise young women for their interest, must + always expect such a return: I am convinced my brother will thank + me for breaking off your match with Horatio, at any + rate."—"That may not be in your power yet," answered Leonora, + "though it is very ungrateful in you to desire or attempt it, after + the presents you have received from him." (For indeed true it is, + that many presents, and some pretty valuable ones, had passed from + Horatio to the old lady; but as true it is, that Bellarmine, when + he breakfasted with her and her niece, had complimented her with a + brilliant from his finger, of much greater value than all she had + touched of the other.)</p> + <p>The aunt's gall was on float to reply, when a servant brought a + letter into the room, which Leonora, hearing it came from + Bellarmine, with great eagerness opened, and read as + follows:—</p> + <p>"MOST DIVINE CREATURE,—The wound which I fear you have + heard I received from my rival is not like to be so fatal as those + shot into my heart which have been fired from your eyes, <em>tout + brilliant</em>. Those are the only cannons by which I am to fall; + for my surgeon gives me hopes of being soon able to attend your + <em>ruelle</em>; till when, unless you would do me an honour which + I have scarce the <em>hardiesse</em> to think of, your absence will + be the greatest anguish which can be felt by,</p> + <p>"Madam,</p> + <p>"<em>Avec toute le respecte</em> in the world,</p> + <p>"Your most obedient, most absolute <em>Devote</em>,</p> + <p>"BELLARMINE."</p> + <p>As soon as Leonora perceived such hopes of Bellarmine's + recovery, and that the gossip Fame had, according to custom, so + enlarged his danger, she presently abandoned all further thoughts + of Horatio, and was soon reconciled to her aunt, who received her + again into favour, with a more Christian forgiveness than we + generally meet with. Indeed, it is possible she might be a little + alarmed at the hints which her niece had given her concerning the + presents. She might apprehend such rumours, should they get abroad, + might injure a reputation which, by frequenting church twice a day, + and preserving the utmost rigour and strictness in her countenance + and behaviour for many years, she had established.</p> + <p>Leonora's passion returned now for Bellarmine with greater + force, after its small relaxation, than ever. She proposed to her + aunt to make him a visit in his confinement, which the old lady, + with great and commendable prudence, advised her to decline: "For," + says she, "should any accident intervene to prevent your intended + match, too forward a behaviour with this lover may injure you in + the eyes of others. Every woman, till she is married, ought to + consider of, and provide against, the possibility of the affair's + breaking off." Leonora said, "She should be indifferent to whatever + might happen in such a case; for she had now so absolutely placed + her affections on this dear man (so she called him), that, if it + was her misfortune to lose him, she should for ever abandon all + thoughts of mankind." She, therefore, resolved to visit him, + notwithstanding all the prudent advice of her aunt to the contrary, + and that very afternoon executed her resolution.</p> + <p>The lady was proceeding in her story, when the coach drove into + the inn where the company were to dine, sorely to the + dissatisfaction of Mr Adams, whose ears were the most hungry part + about him; he being, as the reader may perhaps guess, of an + insatiable curiosity, and heartily desirous of hearing the end of + this amour, though he professed he could scarce wish success to a + lady of so inconstant a disposition.</p> + <p><a id="footnote5" name="footnote5"></a></p> + <blockquote> + Footnote 5: This letter was written by a young lady on reading + the former. <a href="#footnote5tag">(return)</a> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter5" name="book2chapter5">CHAPTER V.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A dreadful quarrel which happened at the Inn + where the company dined, with its bloody consequences to Mr + Adams.</em></p> + <p>As soon as the passengers had alighted from the coach, Mr Adams, + as was his custom, made directly to the kitchen, where he found + Joseph sitting by the fire, and the hostess anointing his leg; for + the horse which Mr Adams had borrowed of his clerk had so violent a + propensity to kneeling, that one would have thought it had been his + trade, as well as his master's; nor would he always give any notice + of such his intention; he was often found on his knees when the + rider least expected it. This foible, however, was of no great + inconvenience to the parson, who was accustomed to it; and, as his + legs almost touched the ground when he bestrode the beast, had but + a little way to fall, and threw himself forward on such occasions + with so much dexterity that he never received any mischief; the + horse and he frequently rolling many paces' distance, and + afterwards both getting up and meeting as good friends as ever.</p> + <p>Poor Joseph, who had not been used to such kind of cattle, + though an excellent horseman, did not so happily disengage himself; + but, falling with his leg under the beast, received a violent + contusion, to which the good woman was, as we have said, applying a + warm hand, with some camphorated spirits, just at the time when the + parson entered the kitchen.</p> + <p>He had scarce expressed his concern for Joseph's misfortune + before the host likewise entered. He was by no means of Mr + Tow-wouse's gentle disposition; and was, indeed, perfect master of + his house, and everything in it but his guests.</p> + <p>This surly fellow, who always proportioned his respect to the + appearance of a traveller, from "God bless your honour," down to + plain "Coming presently," observing his wife on her knees to a + footman, cried out, without considering his circumstances, "What a + pox is the woman about? why don't you mind the company in the + coach? Go and ask them what they will have for dinner." "My dear," + says she, "you know they can have nothing but what is at the fire, + which will be ready presently; and really the poor young man's leg + is very much bruised." At which words she fell to chafing more + violently than before: the bell then happening to ring, he damn'd + his wife, and bid her go in to the company, and not stand rubbing + there all day, for he did not believe the young fellow's leg was so + bad as he pretended; and if it was, within twenty miles he would + find a surgeon to cut it off. Upon these words, Adams fetched two + strides across the room; and snapping his fingers over his head, + muttered aloud, He would excommunicate such a wretch for a + farthing, for he believed the devil had more humanity. These words + occasioned a dialogue between Adams and the host, in which there + were two or three sharp replies, till Joseph bad the latter know + how to behave himself to his betters. At which the host (having + first strictly surveyed Adams) scornfully repeating the word + "betters," flew into a rage, and, telling Joseph he was as able to + walk out of his house as he had been to walk into it, offered to + lay violent hands on him; which perceiving, Adams dealt him so + sound a compliment over his face with his fist, that the blood + immediately gushed out of his nose in a stream. The host, being + unwilling to be outdone in courtesy, especially by a person of + Adams's figure, returned the favour with so much gratitude, that + the parson's nostrils began to look a little redder than usual. + Upon which he again assailed his antagonist, and with another + stroke laid him sprawling on the floor.</p> + <p>The hostess, who was a better wife than so surly a husband + deserved, seeing her husband all bloody and stretched along, + hastened presently to his assistance, or rather to revenge the + blow, which, to all appearance, was the last he would ever receive; + when, lo! a pan full of hog's blood, which unluckily stood on the + dresser, presented itself first to her hands. She seized it in her + fury, and without any reflection, discharged it into the parson's + face; and with so good an aim, that much the greater part first + saluted his countenance, and trickled thence in so large a current + down to his beard, and over his garments, that a more horrible + spectacle was hardly to be seen, or even imagined. All which was + perceived by Mrs Slipslop, who entered the kitchen at that instant. + This good gentlewoman, not being of a temper so extremely cool and + patient as perhaps was required to ask many questions on this + occasion, flew with great impetuosity at the hostess's cap, which, + together with some of her hair, she plucked from her head in a + moment, giving her, at the same time, several hearty cuffs in the + face; which by frequent practice on the inferior servants, she had + learned an excellent knack of delivering with a good grace. Poor + Joseph could hardly rise from his chair; the parson was employed in + wiping the blood from his eyes, which had entirely blinded him; and + the landlord was but just beginning to stir; whilst Mrs Slipslop, + holding down the landlady's face with her left hand, made so + dexterous an use of her right, that the poor woman began to roar, + in a key which alarmed all the company in the inn.</p> + <p>There happened to be in the inn, at this time, besides the + ladies who arrived in the stage-coach, the two gentlemen who were + present at Mr Tow-wouse's when Joseph was detained for his horse's + meat, and whom we have before mentioned to have stopt at the + alehouse with Adams. There was likewise a gentleman just returned + from his travels to Italy; all whom the horrid outcry of murder + presently brought into the kitchen, where the several combatants + were found in the postures already described.</p> + <p>It was now no difficulty to put an end to the fray, the + conquerors being satisfied with the vengeance they had taken, and + the conquered having no appetite to renew the fight. The principal + figure, and which engaged the eyes of all, was Adams, who was all + over covered with blood, which the whole company concluded to be + his own, and consequently imagined him no longer for this world. + But the host, who had now recovered from his blow, and was risen + from the ground, soon delivered them from this apprehension, by + damning his wife for wasting the hog's puddings, and telling her + all would have been very well if she had not intermeddled, like a + b—as she was; adding, he was very glad the gentlewoman had + paid her, though not half what she deserved. The poor woman had + indeed fared much the worst; having, besides the unmerciful cuffs + received, lost a quantity of hair, which Mrs Slipslop in triumph + held in her left hand.</p> + <p>The traveller, addressing himself to Mrs Grave-airs, desired her + not to be frightened; for here had been only a little boxing, which + he said, to their <em>disgracia</em>, the English were + <em>accustomata</em> to: adding, it must be, however, a sight + somewhat strange to him, who was just come from Italy; the Italians + not being addicted to the <em>cuffardo</em> but <em>bastonza</em>, + says he. He then went up to Adams, and telling him he looked like + the ghost of Othello, bid him not shake his gory locks at him, for + he could not say he did it. Adams very innocently answered, "Sir, I + am far from accusing you." He then returned to the lady, and cried, + "I find the bloody gentleman is <em>uno insipido del nullo + senso</em>. <em>Dammato di me</em>, if I have seen such a + <em>spectaculo</em> in my way from Viterbo."</p> + <p>One of the gentlemen having learnt from the host the occasion of + this bustle, and being assured by him that Adams had struck the + first blow, whispered in his ear, "He'd warrant he would + recover."—"Recover! master," said the host, smiling: "yes, + yes, I am not afraid of dying with a blow or two neither; I am not + such a chicken as that."—"Pugh!" said the gentleman, "I mean + you will recover damages in that action which, undoubtedly, you + intend to bring, as soon as a writ can be returned from London; for + you look like a man of too much spirit and courage to suffer any + one to beat you without bringing your action against him: he must + be a scandalous fellow indeed who would put up with a drubbing + whilst the law is open to revenge it; besides, he hath drawn blood + from you, and spoiled your coat; and the jury will give damages for + that too. An excellent new coat upon my word; and now not worth a + shilling! I don't care," continued he, "to intermeddle in these + cases; but you have a right to my evidence; and if I am sworn, I + must speak the truth. I saw you sprawling on the floor, and blood + gushing from your nostrils. You may take your own opinion; but was + I in your circumstances, every drop of my blood should convey an + ounce of gold into my pocket: remember I don't advise you to go to + law; but if your jury were Christians, they must give swinging + damages. That's all."—"Master," cried the host, scratching + his head, "I have no stomach to law, I thank you. I have seen + enough of that in the parish, where two of my neighbours have been + at law about a house, till they have both lawed themselves into a + gaol." At which words he turned about, and began to inquire again + after his hog's puddings; nor would it probably have been a + sufficient excuse for his wife, that she spilt them in his defence, + had not some awe of the company, especially of the Italian + traveller, who was a person of great dignity, withheld his + rage.</p> + <p>Whilst one of the above-mentioned gentlemen was employed, as we + have seen him, on the behalf of the landlord, the other was no less + hearty on the side of Mr Adams, whom he advised to bring his action + immediately. He said the assault of the wife was in law the assault + of the husband, for they were but one person; and he was liable to + pay damages, which he said must be considerable, where so bloody a + disposition appeared. Adams answered, If it was true that they were + but one person, he had assaulted the wife; for he was sorry to own + he had struck the husband the first blow. "I am sorry you own it + too," cries the gentleman; "for it could not possibly appear to the + court; for here was no evidence present but the lame man in the + chair, whom I suppose to be your friend, and would consequently say + nothing but what made for you."—"How, sir," says Adams, "do + you take me for a villain, who would prosecute revenge in cold + blood, and use unjustifiable means to obtain it? If you knew me, + and my order, I should think you affronted both." At the word + order, the gentleman stared (for he was too bloody to be of any + modern order of knights); and, turning hastily about, said, "Every + man knew his own business."</p> + <p>Matters being now composed, the company retired to their several + apartments; the two gentlemen congratulating each other on the + success of their good offices in procuring a perfect reconciliation + between the contending parties; and the traveller went to his + repast, crying, "As the Italian poet says—</p> + <blockquote> + '<em>Je voi</em> very well <em>que tutta e pace</em>,<br /> + So send up dinner, good Boniface.'" + </blockquote> + <p>The coachman began now to grow importunate with his passengers, + whose entrance into the coach was retarded by Miss Grave-airs + insisting, against the remonstrance of all the rest, that she would + not admit a footman into the coach; for poor Joseph was too lame to + mount a horse. A young lady, who was, as it seems, an earl's + grand-daughter, begged it with almost tears in her eyes. Mr Adams + prayed, and Mrs Slipslop scolded; but all to no purpose. She said, + "She would not demean herself to ride with a footman: that there + were waggons on the road: that if the master of the coach desired + it, she would pay for two places; but would suffer no such fellow + to come in."—"Madam," says Slipslop, "I am sure no one can + refuse another coming into a stage-coach."—"I don't know, + madam," says the lady; "I am not much used to stage-coaches; I + seldom travel in them."—"That may be, madam," replied + Slipslop; "very good people do; and some people's betters, for + aught I know." Miss Grave-airs said, "Some folks might sometimes + give their tongues a liberty, to some people that were their + betters, which did not become them; for her part, she was not used + to converse with servants." Slipslop returned, "Some people kept no + servants to converse with; for her part, she thanked Heaven she + lived in a family where there were a great many, and had more under + her own command than any paultry little gentlewoman in the + kingdom." Miss Grave-airs cried, "She believed her mistress would + not encourage such sauciness to her betters."—"My betters," + says Slipslop, "who is my betters, pray?"—"I am your + betters," answered Miss Grave-airs, "and I'll acquaint your + mistress."—At which Mrs Slipslop laughed aloud, and told her, + "Her lady was one of the great gentry; and such little paultry + gentlewomen as some folks, who travelled in stagecoaches, would not + easily come at her."</p> + <p>This smart dialogue between some people and some folks was going + on at the coach door when a solemn person, riding into the inn, and + seeing Miss Grave-airs, immediately accosted her with "Dear child, + how do you?" She presently answered, "O papa, I am glad you have + overtaken me."—"So am I," answered he; "for one of our + coaches is just at hand; and, there being room for you in it, you + shall go no farther in the stage unless you desire it."—"How + can you imagine I should desire it?" says she; so, bidding Slipslop + ride with her fellow, if she pleased, she took her father by the + hand, who was just alighted, and walked with him into a room.</p> + <p>Adams instantly asked the coachman, in a whisper, "If he knew + who the gentleman was?" The coachman answered, "He was now a + gentleman, and kept his horse and man; but times are altered, + master," said be; "I remember when he was no better born than + myself."—"Ay! ay!" says Adams. "My father drove the squire's + coach," answered he, "when that very man rode postillion; but he is + now his steward; and a great gentleman." Adams then snapped his + fingers, and cried, "He thought she was some such trollop."</p> + <p>Adams made haste to acquaint Mrs Slipslop with this good news, + as he imagined it; but it found a reception different from what he + expected. The prudent gentlewoman, who despised the anger of Miss + Grave-airs whilst she conceived her the daughter of a gentleman of + small fortune, now she heard her alliance with the upper servants + of a great family in her neighbourhood, began to fear her interest + with the mistress. She wished she had not carried the dispute so + far, and began to think of endeavouring to reconcile herself to the + young lady before she left the inn; when, luckily, the scene at + London, which the reader can scarce have forgotten, presented + itself to her mind, and comforted her with such assurance, that she + no longer apprehended any enemy with her mistress.</p> + <p>Everything being now adjusted, the company entered the coach, + which was just on its departure, when one lady recollected she had + left her fan, a second her gloves, a third a snuff-box, and a + fourth a smelling-bottle behind her; to find all which occasioned + some delay and much swearing to the coachman.</p> + <p>As soon as the coach had left the inn, the women all together + fell to the character of Miss Grave-airs; whom one of them declared + she had suspected to be some low creature, from the beginning of + their journey, and another affirmed she had not even the looks of a + gentlewoman: a third warranted she was no better than she should + be; and, turning to the lady who had related the story in the + coach, said, "Did you ever hear, madam, anything so prudish as her + remarks? Well, deliver me from the censoriousness of such a prude." + The fourth added, "O madam! all these creatures are censorious; but + for my part, I wonder where the wretch was bred; indeed, I must own + I have seldom conversed with these mean kind of people, so that it + may appear stranger to me; but to refuse the general desire of a + whole company had something in it so astonishing, that, for my + part, I own I should hardly believe it if my own ears had not been + witnesses to it."—"Yes, and so handsome a young fellow," + cries Slipslop; "the woman must have no compulsion in her: I + believe she is more of a Turk than a Christian; I am certain, if + she had any Christian woman's blood in her veins, the sight of such + a young fellow must have warmed it. Indeed, there are some + wretched, miserable old objects, that turn one's stomach; I should + not wonder if she had refused such a one; I am as nice as herself, + and should have cared no more than herself for the company of + stinking old fellows; but, hold up thy head, Joseph, thou art none + of those; and she who hath not compulsion for thee is a + Myhummetman, and I will maintain it." This conversation made Joseph + uneasy as well as the ladies; who, perceiving the spirits which Mrs + Slipslop was in (for indeed she was not a cup too low), began to + fear the consequence; one of them therefore desired the lady to + conclude the story. "Aye, madam," said Slipslop, "I beg your + ladyship to give us that story you commensated in the morning;" + which request that well-bred woman immediately complied with.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter6" name="book2chapter6">CHAPTER VI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Conclusion of the unfortunate jilt.</em></p> + <p>Leonora, having once broke through the bounds which custom and + modesty impose on her sex, soon gave an unbridled indulgence to her + passion. Her visits to Bellarmine were more constant, as well as + longer, than his surgeon's: in a word, she became absolutely his + nurse; made his water-gruel, administered him his medicines; and, + notwithstanding the prudent advice of her aunt to the contrary, + almost intirely resided in her wounded lover's apartment.</p> + <p>The ladies of the town began to take her conduct under + consideration: it was the chief topic of discourse at their + tea-tables, and was very severely censured by the most part; + especially by Lindamira, a lady whose discreet and starch carriage, + together with a constant attendance at church three times a day, + had utterly defeated many malicious attacks on her own reputation; + for such was the envy that Lindamira's virtue had attracted, that, + notwithstanding her own strict behaviour and strict enquiry into + the lives of others, she had not been able to escape being the mark + of some arrows herself, which, however, did her no injury; a + blessing, perhaps, owed by her to the clergy, who were her chief + male companions, and with two or three of whom she had been + barbarously and unjustly calumniated.</p> + <p>"Not so unjustly neither, perhaps," says Slipslop; "for the + clergy are men, as well as other folks."</p> + <p>The extreme delicacy of Lindamira's virtue was cruelly hurt by + those freedoms which Leonora allowed herself: she said, "It was an + affront to her sex; that she did not imagine it consistent with any + woman's honour to speak to the creature, or to be seen in her + company; and that, for her part, she should always refuse to dance + at an assembly with her, for fear of contamination by taking her by + the hand."</p> + <p>But to return to my story: as soon as Bellarmine was recovered, + which was somewhat within a month from his receiving the wound, he + set out, according to agreement, for Leonora's father's, in order + to propose the match, and settle all matters with him touching + settlements, and the like.</p> + <p>A little before his arrival the old gentleman had received an + intimation of the affair by the following letter, which I can + repeat verbatim, and which, they say, was written neither by + Leonora nor her aunt, though it was in a woman's hand. The letter + was in these words:—</p> + <p>"SIR,—I am sorry to acquaint you that your daughter, + Leonora, hath acted one of the basest as well as most simple parts + with a young gentleman to whom she had engaged herself, and whom + she hath (pardon the word) jilted for another of inferior fortune, + notwithstanding his superior figure. You may take what measures you + please on this occasion; I have performed what I thought my duty; + as I have, though unknown to you, a very great respect for your + family."</p> + <p>The old gentleman did not give himself the trouble to answer + this kind epistle; nor did he take any notice of it, after he had + read it, till he saw Bellarmine. He was, to say the truth, one of + those fathers who look on children as an unhappy consequence of + their youthful pleasures; which, as he would have been delighted + not to have had attended them, so was he no less pleased with any + opportunity to rid himself of the incumbrance. He passed, in the + world's language, as an exceeding good father; being not only so + rapacious as to rob and plunder all mankind to the utmost of his + power, but even to deny himself the conveniencies, and almost + necessaries, of life; which his neighbours attributed to a desire + of raising immense fortunes for his children: but in fact it was + not so; he heaped up money for its own sake only, and looked on his + children as his rivals, who were to enjoy his beloved mistress when + he was incapable of possessing her, and which he would have been + much more charmed with the power of carrying along with him; nor + had his children any other security of being his heirs than that + the law would constitute them such without a will, and that he had + not affection enough for any one living to take the trouble of + writing one.</p> + <p>To this gentleman came Bellarmine, on the errand I have + mentioned. His person, his equipage, his family, and his estate, + seemed to the father to make him an advantageous match for his + daughter: he therefore very readily accepted his proposals: but + when Bellarmine imagined the principal affair concluded, and began + to open the incidental matters of fortune, the old gentleman + presently changed his countenance, saying, "He resolved never to + marry his daughter on a Smithfield match; that whoever had love for + her to take her would, when he died, find her share of his fortune + in his coffers; but he had seen such examples of undutifulness + happen from the too early generosity of parents, that he had made a + vow never to part with a shilling whilst he lived." He commended + the saying of Solomon, "He that spareth the rod spoileth the + child;" but added, "he might have likewise asserted, That he that + spareth the purse saveth the child." He then ran into a discourse + on the extravagance of the youth of the age; whence he launched + into a dissertation on horses; and came at length to commend those + Bellarmine drove. That fine gentleman, who at another season would + have been well enough pleased to dwell a little on that subject, + was now very eager to resume the circumstance of fortune. He said, + "He had a very high value for the young lady, and would receive her + with less than he would any other whatever; but that even his love + to her made some regard to worldly matters necessary; for it would + be a most distracting sight for him to see her, when he had the + honour to be her husband, in less than a coach and six." The old + gentleman answered, "Four will do, four will do;" and then took a + turn from horses to extravagance and from extravagance to horses, + till he came round to the equipage again; whither he was no sooner + arrived than Bellarmine brought him back to the point; but all to + no purpose; he made his escape from that subject in a minute; till + at last the lover declared, "That in the present situation of his + affairs it was impossible for him, though he loved Leonora more + than <em>tout le monde</em>, to marry her without any fortune." To + which the father answered, "He was sorry that his daughter must + lose so valuable a match; that, if he had an inclination, at + present it was not in his power to advance a shilling: that he had + had great losses, and been at great expenses on projects; which, + though he had great expectation from them, had yet produced him + nothing: that he did not know what might happen hereafter, as on + the birth of a son, or such accident; but he would make no promise, + or enter into any article, for he would not break his vow for all + the daughters in the world."</p> + <p>In short, ladies, to keep you no longer in suspense, Bellarmine, + having tried every argument and persuasion which he could invent, + and finding them all ineffectual, at length took his leave, but not + in order to return to Leonora; he proceeded directly to his own + seat, whence, after a few days' stay, he returned to Paris, to the + great delight of the French and the honour of the English + nation.</p> + <p>But as soon as he arrived at his home he presently despatched a + messenger with the following epistle to Leonora:—</p> + <p>"ADORABLE AND CHARMANTE,—I am sorry to have the honour to + tell you I am not the <em>heureux</em> person destined for your + divine arms. Your papa hath told me so with a <em>politesse</em> + not often seen on this side Paris. You may perhaps guess his manner + of refusing me. <em>Ah, mon Dieu!</em> You will certainly believe + me, madam, incapable myself of delivering this <em>triste</em> + message, which I intend to try the French air to cure the + consequences of. <em>A jamais! Coeur! Ange! Au diable!</em> If your + papa obliges you to a marriage, I hope we shall see you at Paris; + till when, the wind that flows from thence will be the warmest + <em>dans le monde</em>, for it will consist almost entirely of my + sighs. <em>Adieu, ma princesse! Ah, l'amour!</em></p> + <p>"BELLARMINE."</p> + <p>I shall not attempt, ladies, to describe Leonora's condition + when she received this letter. It is a picture of horror, which I + should have as little pleasure in drawing as you in beholding. She + immediately left the place where she was the subject of + conversation and ridicule, and retired to that house I showed you + when I began the story; where she hath ever since led a + disconsolate life, and deserves, perhaps, pity for her misfortunes, + more than our censure for a behaviour to which the artifices of her + aunt very probably contributed, and to which very young women are + often rendered too liable by that blameable levity in the education + of our sex.</p> + <p>"If I was inclined to pity her," said a young lady in the coach, + "it would be for the loss of Horatio; for I cannot discern any + misfortune in her missing such a husband as Bellarmine."</p> + <p>"Why, I must own," says Slipslop, "the gentleman was a little + false-hearted; but howsumever, it was hard to have two lovers, and + get never a husband at all. But pray, madam, what became of + <em>Our-asho</em>?"</p> + <p>He remains, said the lady, still unmarried, and hath applied + himself so strictly to his business, that he hath raised, I hear, a + very considerable fortune. And what is remarkable, they say he + never hears the name of Leonora without a sigh, nor hath ever + uttered one syllable to charge her with her ill-conduct towards + him.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter7" name="book2chapter7">CHAPTER + VII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A very short chapter, in which parson Adams + went a great way.</em></p> + <p>The lady, having finished her story, received the thanks of the + company; and now Joseph, putting his head out of the coach, cried + out, "Never believe me if yonder be not our parson Adams walking + along without his horse!"—"On my word, and so he is," says + Slipslop: "and as sure as twopence he hath left him behind at the + inn." Indeed, true it is, the parson had exhibited a fresh instance + of his absence of mind; for he was so pleased with having got + Joseph into the coach, that he never once thought of the beast in + the stable; and, finding his legs as nimble as he desired, he + sallied out, brandishing a crabstick, and had kept on before the + coach, mending and slackening his pace occasionally, so that he had + never been much more or less than a quarter of a mile distant from + it.</p> + <p>Mrs Slipslop desired the coachman to overtake him, which he + attempted, but in vain; for the faster he drove the faster ran the + parson, often crying out, "Aye, aye, catch me if you can;" till at + length the coachman swore he would as soon attempt to drive after a + greyhound, and, giving the parson two or three hearty curses, he + cry'd, "Softly, softly, boys," to his horses, which the civil + beasts immediately obeyed.</p> + <p>But we will be more courteous to our reader than he was to Mrs + Slipslop; and, leaving the coach and its company to pursue their + journey, we will carry our reader on after parson Adams, who + stretched forwards without once looking behind him, till, having + left the coach full three miles in his rear, he came to a place + where, by keeping the extremest track to the right, it was just + barely possible for a human creature to miss his way. This track, + however, did he keep, as indeed he had a wonderful capacity at + these kinds of bare possibilities, and, travelling in it about + three miles over the plain, he arrived at the summit of a hill, + whence looking a great way backwards, and perceiving no coach in + sight, he sat himself down on the turf, and, pulling out his + Aeschylus, determined to wait here for its arrival.</p> + <p>He had not sat long here before a gun going off very near, a + little startled him; he looked up and saw a gentleman within a + hundred paces taking up a partridge which he had just shot.</p> + <p>Adams stood up and presented a figure to the gentleman which + would have moved laughter in many; for his cassock had just again + fallen down below his greatcoat, that is to say, it reached his + knees, whereas the skirts of his greatcoat descended no lower than + half-way down his thighs; but the gentleman's mirth gave way to his + surprize at beholding such a personage in such a place.</p> + <p>Adams, advancing to the gentleman, told him he hoped he had good + sport, to which the other answered, "Very little."—"I see, + sir," says Adams, "you have smote one partridge;" to which the + sportsman made no reply, but proceeded to charge his piece.</p> + <p>Whilst the gun was charging, Adams remained in silence, which he + at last broke by observing that it was a delightful evening. The + gentleman, who had at first sight conceived a very distasteful + opinion of the parson, began, on perceiving a book in his hand and + smoaking likewise the information of the cassock, to change his + thoughts, and made a small advance to conversation on his side by + saying, "Sir, I suppose you are not one of these parts?"</p> + <p>Adams immediately told him, "No; that he was a traveller, and + invited by the beauty of the evening and the place to repose a + little and amuse himself with reading."—"I may as well repose + myself too," said the sportsman, "for I have been out this whole + afternoon, and the devil a bird have I seen till I came + hither."</p> + <p>"Perhaps then the game is not very plenty hereabouts?" cries + Adams. "No, sir," said the gentleman: "the soldiers, who are + quartered in the neighbourhood, have killed it all."—"It is + very probable," cries Adams, "for shooting is their + profession."—"Ay, shooting the game," answered the other; + "but I don't see they are so forward to shoot our enemies. I don't + like that affair of Carthagena; if I had been there, I believe I + should have done other-guess things, d—n me: what's a man's + life when his country demands it? a man who won't sacrifice his + life for his country deserves to be hanged, d—n me." Which + words he spoke with so violent a gesture, so loud a voice, so + strong an accent, and so fierce a countenance, that he might have + frightened a captain of trained bands at the head of his company; + but Mr Adams was not greatly subject to fear; he told him + intrepidly that he very much approved his virtue, but disliked his + swearing, and begged him not to addict himself to so bad a custom, + without which he said he might fight as bravely as Achilles did. + Indeed he was charmed with this discourse; he told the gentleman he + would willingly have gone many miles to have met a man of his + generous way of thinking; that, if he pleased to sit down, he + should be greatly delighted to commune with him; for, though he was + a clergyman, he would himself be ready, if thereto called, to lay + down his life for his country.</p> + <p>The gentleman sat down, and Adams by him; and then the latter + began, as in the following chapter, a discourse which we have + placed by itself, as it is not only the most curious in this but + perhaps in any other book.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter8" name="book2chapter8">CHAPTER + VIII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A notable dissertation by Mr Abraham Adams; + wherein that gentleman appears in a political light.</em></p> + <p>"I do assure you, sir" (says he, taking the gentleman by the + hand), "I am heartily glad to meet with a man of your kidney; for, + though I am a poor parson, I will be bold to say I am an honest + man, and would not do an ill thing to be made a bishop; nay, though + it hath not fallen in my way to offer so noble a sacrifice, I have + not been without opportunities of suffering for the sake of my + conscience, I thank Heaven for them; for I have had relations, + though I say it, who made some figure in the world; particularly a + nephew, who was a shopkeeper and an alderman of a corporation. He + was a good lad, and was under my care when a boy; and I believe + would do what I bade him to his dying day. Indeed, it looks like + extreme vanity in me to affect being a man of such consequence as + to have so great an interest in an alderman; but others have + thought so too, as manifestly appeared by the rector, whose curate + I formerly was, sending for me on the approach of an election, and + telling me, if I expected to continue in his cure, that I must + bring my nephew to vote for one Colonel Courtly, a gentleman whom I + had never heard tidings of till that instant. I told the rector I + had no power over my nephew's vote (God forgive me for such + prevarication!); that I supposed he would give it according to his + conscience; that I would by no means endeavour to influence him to + give it otherwise. He told me it was in vain to equivocate; that he + knew I had already spoke to him in favour of esquire Fickle, my + neighbour; and, indeed, it was true I had; for it was at a season + when the church was in danger, and when all good men expected they + knew not what would happen to us all. I then answered boldly, if he + thought I had given my promise, he affronted me in proposing any + breach of it. Not to be too prolix; I persevered, and so did my + nephew, in the esquire's interest, who was chose chiefly through + his means; and so I lost my curacy, Well, sir, but do you think the + esquire ever mentioned a word of the church? <em>Ne verbum quidem, + ut ita dicam</em>: within two years he got a place, and hath ever + since lived in London; where I have been informed (but God forbid I + should believe that,) that he never so much as goeth to church. I + remained, sir, a considerable time without any cure, and lived a + full month on one funeral sermon, which I preached on the + indisposition of a clergyman; but this by the bye. At last, when Mr + Fickle got his place, Colonel Courtly stood again; and who should + make interest for him but Mr Fickle himself! that very identical Mr + Fickle, who had formerly told me the colonel was an enemy to both + the church and state, had the confidence to sollicit my nephew for + him; and the colonel himself offered me to make me chaplain to his + regiment, which I refused in favour of Sir Oliver Hearty, who told + us he would sacrifice everything to his country; and I believe he + would, except his hunting, which he stuck so close to, that in five + years together he went but twice up to parliament; and one of those + times, I have been told, never was within sight of the House. + However, he was a worthy man, and the best friend I ever had; for, + by his interest with a bishop, he got me replaced into my curacy, + and gave me eight pounds out of his own pocket to buy me a gown and + cassock, and furnish my house. He had our interest while he lived, + which was not many years. On his death I had fresh applications + made to me; for all the world knew the interest I had with my good + nephew, who now was a leading man in the corporation; and Sir + Thomas Booby, buying the estate which had been Sir Oliver's, + proposed himself a candidate. He was then a young gentleman just + come from his travels; and it did me good to hear him discourse on + affairs which, for my part, I knew nothing of. If I had been master + of a thousand votes he should have had them all. I engaged my + nephew in his interest, and he was elected; and a very fine + parliament-man he was. They tell me he made speeches of an hour + long, and, I have been told, very fine ones; but he could never + persuade the parliament to be of his opinion. <em>Non omnia + possumus omnes</em>. He promised me a living, poor man! and I + believe I should have had it, but an accident happened, which was, + that my lady had promised it before, unknown to him. This, indeed, + I never heard till afterwards; for my nephew, who died about a + month before the incumbent, always told me I might be assured of + it. Since that time, Sir Thomas, poor man, had always so much + business, that he never could find leisure to see me. I believe it + was partly my lady's fault too, who did not think my dress good + enough for the gentry at her table. However, I must do him the + justice to say he never was ungrateful; and I have always found his + kitchen, and his cellar too, open to me: many a time, after service + on a Sunday—for I preach at four churches—have I + recruited my spirits with a glass of his ale. Since my nephew's + death, the corporation is in other hands; and I am not a man of + that consequence I was formerly. I have now no longer any talents + to lay out in the service of my country; and to whom nothing is + given, of him can nothing be required. However, on all proper + seasons, such as the approach of an election, I throw a suitable + dash or two into my sermons; which I have the pleasure to hear is + not disagreeable to Sir Thomas and the other honest gentlemen my + neighbours, who have all promised me these five years to procure an + ordination for a son of mine, who is now near thirty, hath an + infinite stock of learning, and is, I thank Heaven, of an + unexceptionable life; though, as he was never at an university, the + bishop refuses to ordain him. Too much care cannot indeed be taken + in admitting any to the sacred office; though I hope he will never + act so as to be a disgrace to any order, but will serve his God and + his country to the utmost of his power, as I have endeavoured to do + before him; nay, and will lay down his life whenever called to that + purpose. I am sure I have educated him in those principles; so that + I have acquitted my duty, and shall have nothing to answer for on + that account. But I do not distrust him, for he is a good boy; and + if Providence should throw it in his way to be of as much + consequence in a public light as his father once was, I can answer + for him he will use his talents as honestly as I have done."</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter9" name="book2chapter9">CHAPTER IX.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>In which the gentleman discants on bravery + and heroic virtue, till an unlucky accident puts an end to the + discourse.</em></p> + <p>The gentleman highly commended Mr Adams for his good + resolutions, and told him, "He hoped his son would tread in his + steps;" adding, "that if he would not die for his country, he would + not be worthy to live in it. I'd make no more of shooting a man + that would not die for his country, than—</p> + <p>"Sir," said he, "I have disinherited a nephew, who is in the + army, because he would not exchange his commission and go to the + West Indies. I believe the rascal is a coward, though he pretends + to be in love forsooth. I would have all such fellows hanged, sir; + I would have them hanged." Adams answered, "That would be too + severe; that men did not make themselves; and if fear had too much + ascendance in the mind, the man was rather to be pitied than + abhorred; that reason and time might teach him to subdue it." He + said, "A man might be a coward at one time, and brave at another. + Homer," says he, "who so well understood and copied Nature, hath + taught us this lesson; for Paris fights and Hector runs away. Nay, + we have a mighty instance of this in the history of later ages, no + longer ago than the 705th year of Rome, when the great Pompey, who + had won so many battles and been honoured with so many triumphs, + and of whose valour several authors, especially Cicero and + Paterculus, have formed such elogiums; this very Pompey left the + battle of Pharsalia before he had lost it, and retreated to his + tent, where he sat like the most pusillanimous rascal in a fit of + despair, and yielded a victory, which was to determine the empire + of the world, to Caesar. I am not much travelled in the history of + modern times, that is to say, these last thousand years; but those + who are can, I make no question, furnish you with parallel + instances." He concluded, therefore, that, had he taken any such + hasty resolutions against his nephew, he hoped he would consider + better, and retract them. The gentleman answered with great warmth, + and talked much of courage and his country, till, perceiving it + grew late, he asked Adams, "What place he intended for that night?" + He told him, "He waited there for the stage-coach."—"The + stage-coach, sir!" said the gentleman; "they are all passed by long + ago. You may see the last yourself almost three miles before + us."—"I protest and so they are," cries Adams; "then I must + make haste and follow them." The gentleman told him, "he would + hardly be able to overtake them; and that, if he did not know his + way, he would be in danger of losing himself on the downs, for it + would be presently dark; and he might ramble about all night, and + perhaps find himself farther from his journey's end in the morning + than he was now." He advised him, therefore, "to accompany him to + his house, which was very little out of his way," assuring him + "that he would find some country fellow in his parish who would + conduct him for sixpence to the city where he was going." Adams + accepted this proposal, and on they travelled, the gentleman + renewing his discourse on courage, and the infamy of not being + ready, at all times, to sacrifice our lives to our country. Night + overtook them much about the same time as they arrived near some + bushes; whence, on a sudden, they heard the most violent shrieks + imaginable in a female voice. Adams offered to snatch the gun out + of his companion's hand. "What are you doing?" said he. "Doing!" + said Adams; "I am hastening to the assistance of the poor creature + whom some villains are murdering." "You are not mad enough, I hope," + says the gentleman, trembling: "do you consider this gun is only + charged with shot, and that the robbers are most probably furnished + with pistols loaded with bullets? This is no business of ours; let + us make as much haste as possible out of the way, or we may fall + into their hands ourselves." The shrieks now increasing, Adams made + no answer, but snapt his fingers, and, brandishing his crabstick, + made directly to the place whence the voice issued; and the man of + courage made as much expedition towards his own home, whither he + escaped in a very short time without once looking behind him; where + we will leave him, to contemplate his own bravery, and to censure + the want of it in others, and return to the good Adams, who, on + coming up to the place whence the noise proceeded, found a woman + struggling with a man, who had thrown her on the ground, and had + almost overpowered her. The great abilities of Mr Adams were not + necessary to have formed a right judgment of this affair on the + first sight. He did not, therefore, want the entreaties of the poor + wretch to assist her; but, lifting up his crabstick, he immediately + levelled a blow at that part of the ravisher's head where, + according to the opinion of the ancients, the brains of some + persons are deposited, and which he had undoubtedly let forth, had + not Nature (who, as wise men have observed, equips all creatures + with what is most expedient for them) taken a provident care (as + she always doth with those she intends for encounters) to make this + part of the head three times as thick as those of ordinary men who + are designed to exercise talents which are vulgarly called + rational, and for whom, as brains are necessary, she is obliged to + leave some room for them in the cavity of the skull; whereas, those + ingredients being entirely useless to persons of the heroic + calling, she hath an opportunity of thickening the bone, so as to + make it less subject to any impression, or liable to be cracked or + broken: and indeed, in some who are predestined to the command of + armies and empires, she is supposed sometimes to make that part + perfectly solid.</p> + <p>As a game cock, when engaged in amorous toying with a hen, if + perchance he espies another cock at hand, immediately quits his + female, and opposes himself to his rival, so did the ravisher, on + the information of the crabstick, immediately leap from the woman + and hasten to assail the man. He had no weapons but what Nature had + furnished him with. However, he clenched his fist, and presently + darted it at that part of Adams's breast where the heart is lodged. + Adams staggered at the violence of the blow, when, throwing away + his staff, he likewise clenched that fist which we have before + commemorated, and would have discharged it full in the breast of + his antagonist, had he not dexterously caught it with his left + hand, at the same time darting his head (which some modern heroes + of the lower class use, like the battering-ram of the ancients, for + a weapon of offence; another reason to admire the cunningness of + Nature, in composing it of those impenetrable materials); dashing + his head, I say, into the stomach of Adams, he tumbled him on his + back; and, not having any regard to the laws of heroism, which + would have restrained him from any farther attack on his enemy till + he was again on his legs, he threw himself upon him, and, laying + hold on the ground with his left hand, he with his right belaboured + the body of Adams till he was weary, and indeed till he concluded + (to use the language of fighting) "that he had done his business;" + or, in the language of poetry, "that he had sent him to the shades + below;" in plain English, "that he was dead."</p> + <p>But Adams, who was no chicken, and could bear a drubbing as well + as any boxing champion in the universe, lay still only to watch his + opportunity; and now, perceiving his antagonist to pant with his + labours, he exerted his utmost force at once, and with such success + that he overturned him, and became his superior; when, fixing one + of his knees in his breast, he cried out in an exulting voice, "It + is my turn now;" and, after a few minutes' constant application, he + gave him so dexterous a blow just under his chin that the fellow no + longer retained any motion, and Adams began to fear he had struck + him once too often; for he often asserted "he should be concerned + to have the blood of even the wicked upon him."</p> + <p>Adams got up and called aloud to the young woman. "Be of good + cheer, damsel," said he, "you are no longer in danger of your + ravisher, who, I am terribly afraid, lies dead at my feet; but God + forgive me what I have done in defence of innocence!" The poor + wretch, who had been some time in recovering strength enough to + rise, and had afterwards, during the engagement, stood trembling, + being disabled by fear even from running away, hearing her champion + was victorious, came up to him, but not without apprehensions even + of her deliverer; which, however, she was soon relieved from by his + courteous behaviour and gentle words. They were both standing by + the body, which lay motionless on the ground, and which Adams + wished to see stir much more than the woman did, when he earnestly + begged her to tell him "by what misfortune she came, at such a time + of night, into so lonely a place." She acquainted him, "She was + travelling towards London, and had accidentally met with the person + from whom he had delivered her, who told her he was likewise on his + journey to the same place, and would keep her company; an offer + which, suspecting no harm, she had accepted; that he told her they + were at a small distance from an inn where she might take up her + lodging that evening, and he would show her a nearer way to it than + by following the road; that if she had suspected him (which she did + not, he spoke so kindly to her), being alone on these downs in the + dark, she had no human means to avoid him; that, therefore, she put + her whole trust in Providence, and walked on, expecting every + moment to arrive at the inn; when on a sudden, being come to those + bushes, he desired her to stop, and after some rude kisses, which + she resisted, and some entreaties, which she rejected, he laid + violent hands on her, and was attempting to execute his wicked + will, when, she thanked G—, he timely came up and prevented + him." Adams encouraged her for saying she had put her whole trust + in Providence, and told her, "He doubted not but Providence had + sent him to her deliverance, as a reward for that trust. He wished + indeed he had not deprived the wicked wretch of life, but + G—'s will be done;" said, "He hoped the goodness of his + intention would excuse him in the next world, and he trusted in her + evidence to acquit him in this." He was then silent, and began to + consider with himself whether it would be properer to make his + escape, or to deliver himself into the hands of justice; which + meditation ended as the reader will see in the next chapter.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter10" name="book2chapter10">CHAPTER + X.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Giving an account of the strange catastrophe + of the preceding adventure, which drew poor Adams into fresh + calamities; and who the woman was who owed the preservation of her + chastity to his victorious arm.</em></p> + <p>The silence of Adams, added to the darkness of the night and + loneliness of the place, struck dreadful apprehension into the poor + woman's mind; she began to fear as great an enemy in her deliverer + as he had delivered her from; and as she had not light enough to + discover the age of Adams, and the benevolence visible in his + countenance, she suspected he had used her as some very honest men + have used their country; and had rescued her out of the hands of + one rifler in order to rifle her himself. Such were the suspicions + she drew from his silence; but indeed they were ill-grounded. He + stood over his vanquished enemy, wisely weighing in his mind the + objections which might be made to either of the two methods of + proceeding mentioned in the last chapter, his judgment sometimes + inclining to the one, and sometimes to the other; for both seemed + to him so equally advisable and so equally dangerous, that probably + he would have ended his days, at least two or three of them, on + that very spot, before he had taken any resolution; at length he + lifted up his eyes, and spied a light at a distance, to which he + instantly addressed himself with <em>Heus tu, traveller, heus + tu!</em> He presently heard several voices, and perceived the light + approaching toward him. The persons who attended the light began + some to laugh, others to sing, and others to hollow, at which the + woman testified some fear (for she had concealed her suspicions of + the parson himself); but Adams said, "Be of good cheer, damsel, and + repose thy trust in the same Providence which hath hitherto + protected thee, and never will forsake the innocent." These people, + who now approached, were no other, reader, than a set of young + fellows, who came to these bushes in pursuit of a diversion which + they call bird-batting. This, if you are ignorant of it (as perhaps + if thou hast never travelled beyond Kensington, Islington, Hackney, + or the Borough, thou mayst be), I will inform thee, is performed by + holding a large clap-net before a lanthorn, and at the same time + beating the bushes; for the birds, when they are disturbed from + their places of rest, or roost, immediately make to the light, and + so are inticed within the net. Adams immediately told them what + happened, and desired them to hold the lanthorn to the face of the + man on the ground, for he feared he had smote him fatally. But + indeed his fears were frivolous; for the fellow, though he had been + stunned by the last blow he received, had long since recovered his + senses, and, finding himself quit of Adams, had listened + attentively to the discourse between him and the young woman; for + whose departure he had patiently waited, that he might likewise + withdraw himself, having no longer hopes of succeeding in his + desires, which were moreover almost as well cooled by Mr Adams as + they could have been by the young woman herself had he obtained his + utmost wish. This fellow, who had a readiness at improving any + accident, thought he might now play a better part than that of a + dead man; and, accordingly, the moment the candle was held to his + face he leapt up, and, laying hold on Adams, cried out, "No, + villain, I am not dead, though you and your wicked whore might well + think me so, after the barbarous cruelties you have exercised on + me. Gentlemen," said he, "you are luckily come to the assistance of + a poor traveller, who would otherwise have been robbed and murdered + by this vile man and woman, who led me hither out of my way from + the high-road, and both falling on me have used me as you see." + Adams was going to answer, when one of the young fellows cried, + "D—n them, let's carry them both before the justice." The + poor woman began to tremble, and Adams lifted up his voice, but in + vain. Three or four of them laid hands on him; and one holding the + lanthorn to his face, they all agreed he had the most villainous + countenance they ever beheld; and an attorney's clerk, who was of + the company, declared he was sure he had remembered him at the bar. + As to the woman, her hair was dishevelled in the struggle, and her + nose had bled; so that they could not perceive whether she was + handsome or ugly, but they said her fright plainly discovered her + guilt. And searching her pockets, as they did those of Adams, for + money, which the fellow said he had lost, they found in her pocket + a purse with some gold in it, which abundantly convinced them, + especially as the fellow offered to swear to it. Mr Adams was found + to have no more than one halfpenny about him. This the clerk said + "was a great presumption that he was an old offender, by cunningly + giving all the booty to the woman." To which all the rest readily + assented.</p> + <p>This accident promising them better sport than what they had + proposed, they quitted their intention of catching birds, and + unanimously resolved to proceed to the justice with the offenders. + Being informed what a desperate fellow Adams was, they tied his + hands behind him; and, having hid their nets among the bushes, and + the lanthorn being carried before them, they placed the two + prisoners in their front, and then began their march; Adams not + only submitting patiently to his own fate, but comforting and + encouraging his companion under her sufferings.</p> + <p>Whilst they were on their way the clerk informed the rest that + this adventure would prove a very beneficial one; for that they + would all be entitled to their proportions of £80 for + apprehending the robbers. This occasioned a contention concerning + the parts which they had severally borne in taking them; one + insisting he ought to have the greatest share, for he had first + laid his hands on Adams; another claiming a superior part for + having first held the lanthorn to the man's face on the ground, by + which, he said, "the whole was discovered." The clerk claimed + four-fifths of the reward for having proposed to search the + prisoners, and likewise the carrying them before the justice: he + said, "Indeed, in strict justice, he ought to have the whole." + These claims, however, they at last consented to refer to a future + decision, but seemed all to agree that the clerk was entitled to a + moiety. They then debated what money should be allotted to the + young fellow who had been employed only in holding the nets. He + very modestly said, "That he did not apprehend any large proportion + would fall to his share, but hoped they would allow him something; + he desired them to consider that they had assigned their nets to + his care, which prevented him from being as forward as any in + laying hold of the robbers" (for so those innocent people were + called); "that if he had not occupied the nets, some other must;" + concluding, however, "that he should be contented with the smallest + share imaginable, and should think that rather their bounty than + his merit." But they were all unanimous in excluding him from any + part whatever, the clerk particularly swearing, "If they gave him a + shilling they might do what they pleased with the rest; for he + would not concern himself with the affair." This contention was so + hot, and so totally engaged the attention of all the parties, that + a dexterous nimble thief, had he been in Mr Adams's situation, + would have taken care to have given the justice no trouble that + evening. Indeed, it required not the art of a Sheppard to escape, + especially as the darkness of the night would have so much + befriended him; but Adams trusted rather to his innocence than his + heels, and, without thinking of flight, which was easy, or + resistance (which was impossible, as there were six lusty young + fellows, besides the villain himself, present), he walked with + perfect resignation the way they thought proper to conduct him.</p> + <p>Adams frequently vented himself in ejaculations during their + journey; at last, poor Joseph Andrews occurring to his mind, he + could not refrain sighing forth his name, which being heard by his + companion in affliction, she cried with some vehemence, "Sure I + should know that voice; you cannot certainly, sir, be Mr Abraham + Adams?"—"Indeed, damsel," says he, "that is my name; there is + something also in your voice which persuades me I have heard it + before."—"La! sir," says she, "don't you remember poor + Fanny?"—"How, Fanny!" answered Adams: "indeed I very well + remember you; what can have brought you hither?"—"I have told + you, sir," replied she, "I was travelling towards London; but I + thought you mentioned Joseph Andrews; pray what is become of + him?"—"I left him, child, this afternoon," said Adams, "in + the stage-coach, in his way towards our parish, whither he is going + to see you."—"To see me! La, sir," answered Fanny, "sure you + jeer me; what should he be going to see me for?"—"Can you ask + that?" replied Adams. "I hope, Fanny, you are not inconstant; I + assure you he deserves much better of you."—"La! Mr Adams," + said she, "what is Mr Joseph to me? I am sure I never had anything + to say to him, but as one fellow-servant might to + another."—"I am sorry to hear this," said Adams; "a virtuous + passion for a young man is what no woman need be ashamed of. You + either do not tell me truth, or you are false to a very worthy + man." Adams then told her what had happened at the inn, to which + she listened very attentively; and a sigh often escaped from her, + notwithstanding her utmost endeavours to the contrary; nor could + she prevent herself from asking a thousand questions, which would + have assured any one but Adams, who never saw farther into people + than they desired to let him, of the truth of a passion she + endeavoured to conceal. Indeed, the fact was, that this poor girl, + having heard of Joseph's misfortune, by some of the servants + belonging to the coach which we have formerly mentioned to have + stopt at the inn while the poor youth was confined to his bed, that + instant abandoned the cow she was milking, and, taking with her a + little bundle of clothes under her arm, and all the money she was + worth in her own purse, without consulting any one, immediately set + forward in pursuit of one whom, notwithstanding her shyness to the + parson, she loved with inexpressible violence, though with the + purest and most delicate passion. This shyness, therefore, as we + trust it will recommend her character to all our female readers, + and not greatly surprize such of our males as are well acquainted + with the younger part of the other sex, we shall not give ourselves + any trouble to vindicate.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter11" name="book2chapter11">CHAPTER + XI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>What happened to them while before the + justice. A chapter very full of learning.</em></p> + <p>Their fellow-travellers were so engaged in the hot dispute + concerning the division of the reward for apprehending these + innocent people, that they attended very little to their discourse. + They were now arrived at the justice's house, and had sent one of + his servants in to acquaint his worship that they had taken two + robbers and brought them before him. The justice, who was just + returned from a fox-chase, and had not yet finished his dinner, + ordered them to carry the prisoners into the stable, whither they + were attended by all the servants in the house, and all the people + in the neighbourhood, who flocked together to see them with as much + curiosity as if there was something uncommon to be seen, or that a + rogue did not look like other people.</p> + <p>The justice, now being in the height of his mirth and his cups, + bethought himself of the prisoners; and, telling his company he + believed they should have good sport in their examination, he + ordered them into his presence. They had no sooner entered the room + than he began to revile them, saying, "That robberies on the + highway were now grown so frequent, that people could not sleep + safely in their beds, and assured them they both should be made + examples of at the ensuing assizes." After he had gone on some time + in this manner, he was reminded by his clerk, "That it would be + proper to take the depositions of the witnesses against them." + Which he bid him do, and he would light his pipe in the meantime. + Whilst the clerk was employed in writing down the deposition of the + fellow who had pretended to be robbed, the justice employed himself + in cracking jests on poor Fanny, in which he was seconded by all + the company at table. One asked, "Whether she was to be indicted + for a highwayman?" Another whispered in her ear, "If she had not + provided herself a great belly, he was at her service." A third + said, "He warranted she was a relation of Turpin." To which one of + the company, a great wit, shaking his head, and then his sides, + answered, "He believed she was nearer related to Turpis;" at which + there was an universal laugh. They were proceeding thus with the + poor girl, when somebody, smoking the cassock peeping forth from + under the greatcoat of Adams, cried out, "What have we here, a + parson?" "How, sirrah," says the justice, "do you go robbing in the + dress of a clergyman? let me tell you your habit will not entitle + you to the benefit of the clergy." "Yes," said the witty fellow, + "he will have one benefit of clergy, he will be exalted above the + heads of the people;" at which there was a second laugh. And now + the witty spark, seeing his jokes take, began to rise in spirits; + and, turning to Adams, challenged him to cap verses, and, provoking + him by giving the first blow, he repeated—</p> + <blockquote> + <em>"Molle meum levibus cord est vilebile telis."</em><br /> + </blockquote> + <p>Upon which Adams, with a look full of ineffable contempt, told + him, "He deserved scourging for his pronunciation." The witty + fellow answered, "What do you deserve, doctor, for not being able + to answer the first time? Why, I'll give one, you blockhead, with + an S.</p> + <blockquote> + <em>"'Si licet, ut fulvum spectatur in ignibus + haurum.'</em><br /> + </blockquote> + <p>"What, canst not with an M neither? Thou art a pretty fellow for + a parson! Why didst not steal some of the parson's Latin as well as + his gown?" Another at the table then answered, "If he had, you + would have been too hard for him; I remember you at the college a + very devil at this sport; I have seen you catch a freshman, for + nobody that knew you would engage with you." "I have forgot those + things now," cried the wit. "I believe I could have done pretty + well formerly. Let's see, what did I end with?—an M + again—aye—</p> + <blockquote> + <em>"'Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, virorum.'</em><br /> + </blockquote> + <p>I could have done it once." "Ah! evil betide you, and so you can + now," said the other: "nobody in this country will undertake you." + Adams could hold no longer: "Friend," said he, "I have a boy not + above eight years old who would instruct thee that the last verse + runs thus:—</p> + <blockquote> + <em>"'Ut sunt Divorum, Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, + virorum.'"</em><br /> + </blockquote> + <p>"I'll hold thee a guinea of that," said the wit, throwing the + money on the table. "And I'll go your halves," cries the other. + "Done," answered Adams; but upon applying to his pocket he was + forced to retract, and own he had no money about him; which set + them all a-laughing, and confirmed the triumph of his adversary, + which was not moderate, any more than the approbation he met with + from the whole company, who told Adams he must go a little longer + to school before he attempted to attack that gentleman in + Latin.</p> + <p>The clerk, having finished the depositions, as well of the + fellow himself, as of those who apprehended the prisoners, + delivered them to the justice; who, having sworn the several + witnesses without reading a syllable, ordered his clerk to make the + mittimus.</p> + <p>Adams then said, "He hoped he should not be condemned unheard." + "No, no," cries the justice, "you will be asked what you have to + say for yourself when you come on your trial: we are not trying you + now; I shall only commit you to gaol: if you can prove your + innocence at size, you will be found ignoramus, and so no harm + done." "Is it no punishment, sir, for an innocent man to lie + several months in gaol?" cries Adams: "I beg you would at least + hear me before you sign the mittimus." "What signifies all you can + say?" says the justice: "is it not here in black and white against + you? I must tell you you are a very impertinent fellow to take up + so much of my time. So make haste with his mittimus."</p> + <p>The clerk now acquainted the justice that among other suspicious + things, as a penknife, &c., found in Adams's pocket, they had + discovered a book written, as he apprehended, in cyphers; for no + one could read a word in it. "Ay," says the justice, "the fellow + may be more than a common robber, he may be in a plot against the + Government. Produce the book." Upon which the poor manuscript of + Aeschylus, which Adams had transcribed with his own hand, was + brought forth; and the justice, looking at it, shook his head, and, + turning to the prisoner, asked the meaning of those cyphers. + "Cyphers?" answered Adams, "it is a manuscript of Aeschylus." "Who? + who?" said the justice. Adams repeated, "Aeschylus." "That is an + outlandish name," cried the clerk. "A fictitious name rather, I + believe," said the justice. One of the company declared it looked + very much like Greek. "Greek?" said the justice; "why, 'tis all + writing." "No," says the other, "I don't positively say it is so; + for it is a very long time since I have seen any Greek." "There's + one," says he, turning to the parson of the parish, who was + present, "will tell us immediately." The parson, taking up the + book, and putting on his spectacles and gravity together, muttered + some words to himself, and then pronounced aloud—"Ay, indeed, + it is a Greek manuscript; a very fine piece of antiquity. I make no + doubt but it was stolen from the same clergyman from whom the rogue + took the cassock." "What did the rascal mean by his Aeschylus?" + says the justice. "Pooh!" answered the doctor, with a contemptuous + grin, "do you think that fellow knows anything of this book? + Aeschylus! ho! ho! I see now what it is—a manuscript of one + of the fathers. I know a nobleman who would give a great deal of + money for such a piece of antiquity. Ay, ay, question and answer. + The beginning is the catechism in Greek. Ay, ay, <em>Pollaki + toi</em>: What's your name?"—"Ay, what's your name?" says the + justice to Adams; who answered, "It is Aeschylus, and I will + maintain it."—"Oh! it is," says the justice: "make Mr + Aeschylus his mittimus. I will teach you to banter me with a false + name."</p> + <p>One of the company, having looked steadfastly at Adams, asked + him, "If he did not know Lady Booby?" Upon which Adams, presently + calling him to mind, answered in a rapture, "O squire! are you + there? I believe you will inform his worship I am + innocent."—"I can indeed say," replied the squire, "that I am + very much surprized to see you in this situation:" and then, + addressing himself to the justice, he said, "Sir, I assure you Mr + Adams is a clergyman, as he appears, and a gentleman of a very good + character. I wish you would enquire a little farther into this + affair; for I am convinced of his innocence."—"Nay," says the + justice, "if he is a gentleman, and you are sure he is innocent, I + don't desire to commit him, not I: I will commit the woman by + herself, and take your bail for the gentleman: look into the book, + clerk, and see how it is to take bail—come—and make the + mittimus for the woman as fast as you can."—"Sir," cries + Adams, "I assure you she is as innocent as + myself."—"Perhaps," said the squire, "there may be some + mistake! pray let us hear Mr Adams's relation."—"With all my + heart," answered the justice; "and give the gentleman a glass to + wet his whistle before he begins. I know how to behave myself to + gentlemen as well as another. Nobody can say I have committed a + gentleman since I have been in the commission." Adams then began + the narrative, in which, though he was very prolix, he was + uninterrupted, unless by several hums and hahs of the justice, and + his desire to repeat those parts which seemed to him most material. + When he had finished, the justice, who, on what the squire had + said, believed every syllable of his story on his bare affirmation, + notwithstanding the depositions on oath to the contrary, began to + let loose several rogues and rascals against the witness, whom he + ordered to stand forth, but in vain; the said witness, long since + finding what turn matters were likely to take, had privily + withdrawn, without attending the issue. The justice now flew into a + violent passion, and was hardly prevailed with not to commit the + innocent fellows who had been imposed on as well as himself. He + swore, "They had best find out the fellow who was guilty of + perjury, and bring him before him within two days, or he would bind + them all over to their good behaviour." They all promised to use + their best endeavours to that purpose, and were dismissed. Then the + justice insisted that Mr Adams should sit down and take a glass + with him; and the parson of the parish delivered him back the + manuscript without saying a word; nor would Adams, who plainly + discerned his ignorance, expose it. As for Fanny, she was, at her + own request, recommended to the care of a maid-servant of the + house, who helped her to new dress and clean herself.</p> + <p>The company in the parlour had not been long seated before they + were alarmed with a horrible uproar from without, where the persons + who had apprehended Adams and Fanny had been regaling, according to + the custom of the house, with the justice's strong beer. These were + all fallen together by the ears, and were cuffing each other + without any mercy. The justice himself sallied out, and with the + dignity of his presence soon put an end to the fray. On his return + into the parlour, he reported, "That the occasion of the quarrel + was no other than a dispute to whom, if Adams had been convicted, + the greater share of the reward for apprehending him had belonged." + All the company laughed at this, except Adams, who, taking his pipe + from his mouth, fetched a deep groan, and said, "He was concerned + to see so litigious a temper in men. That he remembered a story + something like it in one of the parishes where his cure + lay:—There was," continued he, "a competition between three + young fellows for the place of the clerk, which I disposed of, to + the best of my abilities, according to merit; that is, I gave it to + him who had the happiest knack at setting a psalm. The clerk was no + sooner established in his place than a contention began between the + two disappointed candidates concerning their excellence; each + contending on whom, had they two been the only competitors, my + election would have fallen. This dispute frequently disturbed the + congregation, and introduced a discord into the psalmody, till I + was forced to silence them both. But, alas! the litigious spirit + could not be stifled; and, being no longer able to vent itself in + singing, it now broke forth in fighting. It produced many battles + (for they were very near a match), and I believe would have ended + fatally, had not the death of the clerk given me an opportunity to + promote one of them to his place; which presently put an end to the + dispute, and entirely reconciled the contending parties." Adams + then proceeded to make some philosophical observations on the folly + of growing warm in disputes in which neither party is interested. + He then applied himself vigorously to smoaking; and a long silence + ensued, which was at length broke by the justice, who began to sing + forth his own praises, and to value himself exceedingly on his nice + discernment in the cause which had lately been before him. He was + quickly interrupted by Mr Adams, between whom and his worship a + dispute now arose, whether he ought not, in strictness of law, to + have committed him, the said Adams; in which the latter maintained + he ought to have been committed, and the justice as vehemently held + he ought not. This had most probably produced a quarrel (for both + were very violent and positive in their opinions), had not Fanny + accidentally heard that a young fellow was going from the justice's + house to the very inn where the stage-coach in which Joseph was, + put up. Upon this news, she immediately sent for the parson out of + the parlour. Adams, when he found her resolute to go (though she + would not own the reason, but pretended she could not bear to see + the faces of those who had suspected her of such a crime), was as + fully determined to go with her; he accordingly took leave of the + justice and company: and so ended a dispute in which the law seemed + shamefully to intend to set a magistrate and a divine together by + the ears.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter12" name="book2chapter12">CHAPTER + XII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A very delightful adventure, as well to the + persons concerned as to the good-natured reader.</em></p> + <p>Adams, Fanny, and the guide, set out together about one in the + morning, the moon being then just risen. They had not gone above a + mile before a most violent storm of rain obliged them to take + shelter in an inn, or rather alehouse, where Adams immediately + procured himself a good fire, a toast and ale, and a pipe, and + began to smoke with great content, utterly forgetting everything + that had happened.</p> + <p>Fanny sat likewise down by the fire; but was much more impatient + at the storm. She presently engaged the eyes of the host, his wife, + the maid of the house, and the young fellow who was their guide; + they all conceived they had never seen anything half so handsome; + and indeed, reader, if thou art of an amorous hue, I advise thee to + skip over the next paragraph; which, to render our history perfect, + we are obliged to set down, humbly hoping that we may escape the + fate of Pygmalion; for if it should happen to us, or to thee, to be + struck with this picture, we should be perhaps in as helpless a + condition as Narcissus, and might say to ourselves, <em>Quod petis + est nusquam</em>. Or, if the finest features in it should set Lady + ——'s image before our eyes, we should be still in as + bad a situation, and might say to our desires, <em>Coelum ipsum + petimus stultitia</em>.</p> + <p>Fanny was now in the nineteenth year of her age; she was tall + and delicately shaped; but not one of those slender young women who + seem rather intended to hang up in the hall of an anatomist than + for any other purpose. On the contrary, she was so plump that she + seemed bursting through her tight stays, especially in the part + which confined her swelling breasts. Nor did her hips want the + assistance of a hoop to extend them. The exact shape of her arms + denoted the form of those limbs which she concealed; and though + they were a little reddened by her labour, yet, if her sleeve + slipped above her elbow, or her handkerchief discovered any part of + her neck, a whiteness appeared which the finest Italian paint would + be unable to reach. Her hair was of a chesnut brown, and nature had + been extremely lavish to her of it, which she had cut, and on + Sundays used to curl down her neck, in the modern fashion. Her + forehead was high, her eyebrows arched, and rather full than + otherwise. Her eyes black and sparkling; her nose just inclining to + the Roman; her lips red and moist, and her underlip, according to + the opinion of the ladies, too pouting. Her teeth were white, but + not exactly even. The small-pox had left one only mark on her chin, + which was so large, it might have been mistaken for a dimple, had + not her left cheek produced one so near a neighbour to it, that the + former served only for a foil to the latter. Her complexion was + fair, a little injured by the sun, but overspread with such a bloom + that the finest ladies would have exchanged all their white for it: + add to these a countenance in which, though she was extremely + bashful, a sensibility appeared almost incredible; and a sweetness, + whenever she smiled, beyond either imitation or description. To + conclude all, she had a natural gentility, superior to the + acquisition of art, and which surprized all who beheld her.</p> + <p>This lovely creature was sitting by the fire with Adams, when + her attention was suddenly engaged by a voice from an inner room, + which sung the following song:—</p> + <blockquote> + <p>THE SONG.</p> + Say, Chloe, where must the swain stray<br /> + Who is by thy beauties undone?<br /> + To wash their remembrance away,<br /> + To what distant Lethe must run?<br /> + The wretch who is sentenced to die<br /> + May escape, and leave justice behind;<br /> + From his country perhaps he may fly,<br /> + But oh! can he fly from his mind?<br /> + <br /> + O rapture! unthought of before,<br /> + To be thus of Chloe possess'd;<br /> + Nor she, nor no tyrant's hard power,<br /> + Her image can tear from my breast.<br /> + But felt not Narcissus more joy,<br /> + With his eyes he beheld his loved charms?<br /> + Yet what he beheld the fond boy<br /> + More eagerly wish'd in his arms.<br /> + <br /> + How can it thy dear image be<br /> + Which fills thus my bosom with woe?<br /> + Can aught bear resemblance to thee<br /> + Which grief and not joy can bestow?<br /> + This counterfeit snatch from my heart,<br /> + Ye pow'rs, tho' with torment I rave,<br /> + Tho' mortal will prove the fell smart:<br /> + I then shall find rest in my grave.<br /> + <br /> + Ah, see the dear nymph o'er the plain<br /> + Come smiling and tripping along!<br /> + A thousand Loves dance in her train,<br /> + The Graces around her all throng.<br /> + To meet her soft Zephyrus flies,<br /> + And wafts all the sweets from the flowers,<br /> + Ah, rogue I whilst he kisses her eyes,<br /> + More sweets from her breath he devours.<br /> + <br /> + My soul, whilst I gaze, is on fire:<br /> + But her looks were so tender and kind,<br /> + My hope almost reach'd my desire,<br /> + And left lame despair far behind.<br /> + Transported with madness, I flew,<br /> + And eagerly seized on my bliss;<br /> + Her bosom but half she withdrew,<br /> + But half she refused my fond kiss.<br /> + <br /> + Advances like these made me bold;<br /> + I whisper'd her—Love, we're + alone.—<br /> + The rest let immortals unfold;<br /> + No language can tell but their own.<br /> + Ah, Chloe, expiring, I cried,<br /> + How long I thy cruelty bore!<br /> + Ah, Strephon, she blushing replied,<br /> + You ne'er was so pressing before.<br /> + </blockquote> + <p>Adams had been ruminating all this time on a passage in + Aeschylus, without attending in the least to the voice, though one + of the most melodious that ever was heard, when, casting his eyes + on Fanny, he cried out, "Bless us, you look extremely + pale!"—"Pale! Mr Adams," says she; "O Jesus!" and fell + backwards in her chair. Adams jumped up, flung his Aeschylus into + the fire, and fell a-roaring to the people of the house for help. + He soon summoned every one into the room, and the songster among + the rest; but, O reader! when this nightingale, who was no other + than Joseph Andrews himself, saw his beloved Fanny in the situation + we have described her, canst thou conceive the agitations of his + mind? If thou canst not, waive that meditation to behold his + happiness, when, clasping her in his arms, he found life and blood + returning into her cheeks: when he saw her open her beloved eyes, + and heard her with the softest accent whisper, "Are you Joseph + Andrews?"—"Art thou my Fanny?" he answered eagerly: and, + pulling her to his heart, he imprinted numberless kisses on her + lips, without considering who were present.</p> + <p>If prudes are offended at the lusciousness of this picture, they + may take their eyes off from it, and survey parson Adams dancing + about the room in a rapture of joy. Some philosophers may perhaps + doubt whether he was not the happiest of the three: for the + goodness of his heart enjoyed the blessings which were exulting in + the breasts of both the other two, together with his own. But we + shall leave such disquisitions, as too deep for us, to those who + are building some favourite hypothesis, which they will refuse no + metaphysical rubbish to erect and support: for our part, we give it + clearly on the side of Joseph, whose happiness was not only greater + than the parson's, but of longer duration: for as soon as the first + tumults of Adams's rapture were over he cast his eyes towards the + fire, where Aeschylus lay expiring; and immediately rescued the + poor remains, to wit, the sheepskin covering, of his dear friend, + which was the work of his own hands, and had been his inseparable + companion for upwards of thirty years.</p> + <p>Fanny had no sooner perfectly recovered herself than she began + to restrain the impetuosity of her transports; and, reflecting on + what she had done and suffered in the presence of so many, she was + immediately covered with confusion; and, pushing Joseph gently from + her, she begged him to be quiet, nor would admit of either kiss or + embrace any longer. Then, seeing Mrs Slipslop, she curtsied, and + offered to advance to her; but that high woman would not return her + curtsies; but, casting her eyes another way, immediately withdrew + into another room, muttering, as she went, she wondered who the + creature was.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter13" name="book2chapter13">CHAPTER + XIII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A dissertation concerning high people and + low people, with Mrs Slipslop's departure in no very good temper of + mind, and the evil plight in which she left Adams and his + company.</em></p> + <p>It will doubtless seem extremely odd to many readers, that Mrs + Slipslop, who had lived several years in the same house with Fanny, + should, in a short separation, utterly forget her. And indeed the + truth is, that she remembered her very well. As we would not + willingly, therefore, that anything should appear unnatural in this + our history, we will endeavour to explain the reasons of her + conduct; nor do we doubt being able to satisfy the most curious + reader that Mrs Slipslop did not in the least deviate from the + common road in this behaviour; and, indeed, had she done otherwise, + she must have descended below herself, and would have very justly + been liable to censure.</p> + <p>Be it known then, that the human species are divided into two + sorts of people, to wit, high people and low people. As by high + people I would not be understood to mean persons literally born + higher in their dimensions than the rest of the species, nor + metaphorically those of exalted characters or abilities; so by low + people I cannot be construed to intend the reverse. High people + signify no other than people of fashion, and low people those of no + fashion. Now, this word fashion hath by long use lost its original + meaning, from which at present it gives us a very different idea; + for I am deceived if by persons of fashion we do not generally + include a conception of birth and accomplishments superior to the + herd of mankind; whereas, in reality, nothing more was originally + meant by a person of fashion than a person who drest himself in the + fashion of the times; and the word really and truly signifies no + more at this day. Now, the world being thus divided into people of + fashion and people of no fashion, a fierce contention arose between + them; nor would those of one party, to avoid suspicion, be seen + publicly to speak to those of the other, though they often held a + very good correspondence in private. In this contention it is + difficult to say which party succeeded; for, whilst the people of + fashion seized several places to their own use, such as courts, + assemblies, operas, balls, &c., the people of no fashion, + besides one royal place, called his Majesty's Bear-garden, have + been in constant possession of all hops, fairs, revels, &c. Two + places have been agreed to be divided between them, namely, the + church and the playhouse, where they segregate themselves from each + other in a remarkable manner; for, as the people of fashion exalt + themselves at church over the heads of the people of no fashion, so + in the playhouse they abase themselves in the same degree under + their feet. This distinction I have never met with any one able to + account for: it is sufficient that, so far from looking on each + other as brethren in the Christian language, they seem scarce to + regard each other as of the same species. This, the terms "strange + persons, people one does not know, the creature, wretches, beasts, + brutes," and many other appellations evidently demonstrate; which + Mrs Slipslop, having often heard her mistress use, thought she had + also a right to use in her turn; and perhaps she was not mistaken; + for these two parties, especially those bordering nearly on each + other, to wit, the lowest of the high, and the highest of the low, + often change their parties according to place and time; for those + who are people of fashion in one place are often people of no + fashion in another. And with regard to time, it may not be + unpleasant to survey the picture of dependance like a kind of + ladder; as, for instance; early in the morning arises the + postillion, or some other boy, which great families, no more than + great ships, are without, and falls to brushing the clothes and + cleaning the shoes of John the footman; who, being drest himself, + applies his hands to the same labours for Mr Second-hand, the + squire's gentleman; the gentleman in the like manner, a little + later in the day, attends the squire; the squire is no sooner + equipped than he attends the levee of my lord; which is no sooner + over than my lord himself is seen at the levee of the favourite, + who, after the hour of homage is at an end, appears himself to pay + homage to the levee of his sovereign. Nor is there, perhaps, in + this whole ladder of dependance, any one step at a greater distance + from the other than the first from the second; so that to a + philosopher the question might only seem, whether you would chuse + to be a great man at six in the morning, or at two in the + afternoon. And yet there are scarce two of these who do not think + the least familiarity with the persons below them a condescension, + and, if they were to go one step farther, a degradation.</p> + <p>And now, reader, I hope thou wilt pardon this long digression, + which seemed to me necessary to vindicate the great character of + Mrs Slipslop from what low people, who have never seen high people, + might think an absurdity; but we who know them must have daily + found very high persons know us in one place and not in another, + to-day and not to-morrow; all which it is difficult to account for + otherwise than I have here endeavoured; and perhaps, if the gods, + according to the opinion of some, made men only to laugh at them, + there is no part of our behaviour which answers the end of our + creation better than this.</p> + <p>But to return to our history: Adams, who knew no more of this + than the cat which sat on the table, imagining Mrs Slipslop's + memory had been much worse than it really was, followed her into + the next room, crying out, "Madam Slipslop, here is one of your old + acquaintance; do but see what a fine woman she is grown since she + left Lady Booby's service."—"I think I reflect something of + her," answered she, with great dignity, "but I can't remember all + the inferior servants in our family." She then proceeded to satisfy + Adams's curiosity, by telling him, "When she arrived at the inn, + she found a chaise ready for her; that, her lady being expected + very shortly in the country, she was obliged to make the utmost + haste; and, in commensuration of Joseph's lameness, she had taken + him with her;" and lastly, "that the excessive virulence of the + storm had driven them into the house where he found them." After + which, she acquainted Adams with his having left his horse, and + exprest some wonder at his having strayed so far out of his way, + and at meeting him, as she said, "in the company of that wench, who + she feared was no better than she should be."</p> + <p>The horse was no sooner put into Adams's head but he was + immediately driven out by this reflection on the character of + Fanny. He protested, "He believed there was not a chaster damsel in + the universe. I heartily wish, I heartily wish," cried he (snapping + his fingers), "that all her betters were as good." He then + proceeded to inform her of the accident of their meeting; but when + he came to mention the circumstance of delivering her from the + rape, she said, "She thought him properer for the army than the + clergy; that it did not become a clergyman to lay violent hands on + any one; that he should have rather prayed that she might be + strengthened." Adams said, "He was very far from being ashamed of + what he had done:" she replied, "Want of shame was not the + currycuristic of a clergyman." This dialogue might have probably + grown warmer, had not Joseph opportunely entered the room, to ask + leave of Madam Slipslop to introduce Fanny: but she positively + refused to admit any such trollops, and told him, "She would have + been burnt before she would have suffered him to get into a chaise + with her, if she had once respected him of having his sluts waylaid + on the road for him;" adding, "that Mr Adams acted a very pretty + part, and she did not doubt but to see him a bishop." He made the + best bow he could, and cried out, "I thank you, madam, for that + right-reverend appellation, which I shall take all honest means to + deserve."-"Very honest means," returned she, with a sneer, "to + bring people together." At these words Adams took two or three + strides across the room, when the coachman came to inform Mrs + Slipslop, "That the storm was over, and the moon shone very + bright." She then sent for Joseph, who was sitting without with his + Fanny, and would have had him gone with her; but he peremptorily + refused to leave Fanny behind, which threw the good woman into a + violent rage. She said, "She would inform her lady what doings were + carrying on, and did not doubt but she would rid the parish of all + such people;" and concluded a long speech, full of bitterness and + very hard words, with some reflections on the clergy not decent to + repeat; at last, finding Joseph unmoveable, she flung herself into + the chaise, casting a look at Fanny as she went, not unlike that + which Cleopatra gives Octavia in the play. To say the truth, she + was most disagreeably disappointed by the presence of Fanny: she + had, from her first seeing Joseph at the inn, conceived hopes of + something which might have been accomplished at an alehouse as well + as a palace. Indeed, it is probable Mr Adams had rescued more than + Fanny from the clanger of a rape that evening.</p> + <p>When the chaise had carried off the enraged Slipslop, Adams, + Joseph, and Fanny assembled over the fire, where they had a great + deal of innocent chat, pretty enough; but, as possibly it would not + be very entertaining to the reader, we shall hasten to the morning; + only observing that none of them went to bed that night. Adams, + when he had smoaked three pipes, took a comfortable nap in a great + chair, and left the lovers, whose eyes were too well employed to + permit any desire of shutting them, to enjoy by themselves, during + some hours, an happiness which none of my readers who have never + been in love are capable of the least conception of, though we had + as many tongues as Homer desired, to describe it with, and which + all true lovers will represent to their own minds without the least + assistance from us.</p> + <p class="figure"><a id="figure4" name="figure4"></a> <img + src="images/figure4.png" width="100%" alt="" /><br /> + Joseph thanked her on his knees.</p> + <p>Let it suffice then to say, that Fanny, after a thousand + entreaties, at last gave up her whole soul to Joseph; and, almost + fainting in his arms, with a sigh infinitely softer and sweeter too + than any Arabian breeze, she whispered to his lips, which were then + close to hers, "O Joseph, you have won me: I will be yours for + ever." Joseph, having thanked her on his knees, and embraced her + with an eagerness which she now almost returned, leapt up in a + rapture, and awakened the parson, earnestly begging him "that he + would that instant join their hands together." Adams rebuked him + for his request, and told him "He would by no means consent to + anything contrary to the forms of the Church; that he had no + licence, nor indeed would he advise him to obtain one; that the + Church had prescribed a form—namely, the publication of + banns—with which all good Christians ought to comply, and to + the omission of which he attributed the many miseries which befell + great folks in marriage;" concluding, "As many as are joined + together otherwise than G—'s word doth allow are not joined + together by G—, neither is their matrimony lawful." Fanny + agreed with the parson, saying to Joseph, with a blush, "She + assured him she would not consent to any such thing, and that she + wondered at his offering it." In which resolution she was comforted + and commended by Adams; and Joseph was obliged to wait patiently + till after the third publication of the banns, which, however, he + obtained the consent of Fanny, in the presence of Adams, to put in + at their arrival.</p> + <p>The sun had been now risen some hours, when Joseph, finding his + leg surprizingly recovered, proposed to walk forwards; but when + they were all ready to set out, an accident a little retarded them. + This was no other than the reckoning, which amounted to seven + shillings; no great sum if we consider the immense quantity of ale + which Mr Adams poured in. Indeed, they had no objection to the + reasonableness of the bill, but many to the probability of paying + it; for the fellow who had taken poor Fanny's purse had unluckily + forgot to return it. So that the account stood thus:—</p> +<pre> + £ S D + Mr Adams and company, Dr. 0 7 0 + In Mr Adams's pocket 0 0 6½ + In Mr Joseph's 0 0 0 + In Mrs Fanny's 0 0 0 + Balance 0 6 5½ +</pre> + <p>They stood silent some few minutes, staring at each other, when + Adams whipt out on his toes, and asked the hostess, "If there was + no clergyman in that parish?" She answered, "There was."—"Is + he wealthy?" replied he; to which she likewise answered in the + affirmative. Adams then snapping his fingers returned overjoyed to + his companions, crying out, "Heureka, Heureka;" which not being + understood, he told them in plain English, "They need give + themselves no trouble, for he had a brother in the parish who would + defray the reckoning, and that he would just step to his house and + fetch the money, and return to them instantly."</p> + <hr /> + <h2>END OF VOL. I</h2> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Joseph Andrews Vol. 1, by Henry Fielding + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS VOL. 1 *** + +***** This file should be named 9611-h.htm or 9611-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/6/1/9611/ + +Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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