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diff --git a/9609-h/9609-h.htm b/9609-h/9609-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5758bf1 --- /dev/null +++ b/9609-h/9609-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5667 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta name="generator" + content="HTML Tidy for Linux/x86 (vers 1st November 2002), see www.w3.org" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title>Joseph Andrews (Vol II.), by Henry Fielding</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + background-color: #F8F8D8;} + p {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + hr {width: 50%;} + .chtitle {margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + text-align: center;} + .figure {margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + text-align: center; + font-size: 0.8em;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + font-size: 0.8em;} + .pglegal {font-size: 0.8em; + background-color: #F0F0D0;} + --> + </style> + </head> + <body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2, by Henry Fielding + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2 + +Author: Henry Fielding + +Posting Date: November 17, 2011 [EBook #9609] +Release Date: January, 2006 +First Posted: October 9, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS, VOL. 2 *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + <h1>THE WORKS OF HENRY FIELDING<br /> + EDITED BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY<br /> + IN TWELVE VOLUMES</h1> + <h2>VOL. II.<br /> + JOSEPH ANDREWS</h2> + <hr /> + <h2>CONTENTS</h2> + <h4>BOOK II.—continued.</h4> + <center> + <a href="#book2chapter14">CHAPTER XIV.</a><br /> + <em>An interview between parson Adams and parson Trulliber.</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter15">CHAPTER XV.</a><br /> + <em>An adventure, the consequence of a new instance which parson Adams gave of his + forgetfulness.</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter16">CHAPTER XVI.</a><br /> + <em>A very curious adventure, in which Mr Adams gave a much greater instance of + the honest simplicity of his heart, than of his experience in the ways of this + world.</em><br /> + <a href="#book2chapter17">CHAPTER XVII.</a><br /> + <em>A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and his host, which, by the disagreement + in their opinions, seemed to threaten an unlucky catastrophe, had it not been + timely prevented by the return of the lovers.</em><br /> + </center> + <h4>BOOK III.</h4> + <center> + <a href="#book3chapter1">CHAPTER I.</a><br /> + <em>Matter prefatory in praise of biography.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter2">CHAPTER II.</a><br /> + <em>A night scene, wherein several wonderful adventures befel Adams and his + fellow-travellers.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter3">CHAPTER III.</a><br /> + <em>In which the gentleman relates the history of his life.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter4">CHAPTER IV.</a><br /> + <em>A description of Mr Wilson's way of living. The tragical adventure of the dog, + and other grave matters.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter5">CHAPTER V.</a><br /> + <em>A disputation on schools held on the road between Mr Abraham Adams and Joseph; + and a discovery not unwelcome to them both.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter6">CHAPTER VI.</a><br /> + <em>Moral reflections by Joseph Andrews; with the hunting adventure, and parson + Adams's miraculous escape.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter7">CHAPTER VII.</a><br /> + <em>A scene of roasting, very nicely adapted to the present taste and + times.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter8">CHAPTER VIII.</a><br /> + <em>Which some readers will think too short and others too long.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter9">CHAPTER IX.</a><br /> + <em>Containing as surprizing and bloody adventures as can be found in this or + perhaps any other authentic history.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter10">CHAPTER X.</a><br /> + <em>A discourse between the poet and the player; of no other use in this history + but to divert the reader.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter11">CHAPTER XI.</a><br /> + <em>Containing the exhortations of parson Adams to his friend in affliction; + calculated for the instruction and improvement of the reader.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter12">CHAPTER XII.</a><br /> + <em>More adventures, which we hope will as much please as surprize the + reader.</em><br /> + <a href="#book3chapter13">CHAPTER XIII.</a><br /> + <em>A curious dialogue which passed between Mr Abraham Adams and Mr Peter Pounce, + better worth reading than all the works of Colley Cibber and many others.</em> + </center> + <h4>BOOK IV.</h4> + <center> + <a href="#book4chapter1">CHAPTER I.</a><br /> + <em>The arrival of Lady Booby and the rest at Booby-hall.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter2">CHAPTER II.</a><br /> + <em>A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and the Lady Booby.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter3">CHAPTER III.</a><br /> + <em>What passed between the lady and lawyer Scout.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter4">CHAPTER IV.</a><br /> + <em>A short chapter, but very full of matter; particularly the arrival of Mr Booby + and his lady.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter5">CHAPTER V.</a><br /> + <em>Containing justice business; curious precedents of depositions, and other + matters necessary to be perused by all justices of the peace and their + clerks.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter6">CHAPTER VI.</a><br /> + <em>Of which you are desired to read no more than you like.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter7">CHAPTER VII.</a><br /> + <em>Philosophical reflections, the like not to be found in any light French + romance. Mr Booby's grave advice to Joseph, and Fanny's encounter with a + beau.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter8">CHAPTER VIII.</a><br /> + <em>A discourse which happened between Mr Adams, Mrs Adams, Joseph, and Fanny, + with some behaviour of Mr Adams which will be called by some few readers very low, + absurd, and unnatural.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter9">CHAPTER IX.</a><br /> + <em>A visit which the polite Lady Booby and her polite friend paid to the + parson.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter10">CHAPTER X.</a><br /> + <em>The history of two friends, which may afford an useful lesson to all those + persons who happen to take up their residence in married families.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter11">CHAPTER XI.</a><br /> + <em>In which the history is continued.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter12">CHAPTER XII.</a><br /> + <em>Where the good-natured reader will see something which will give him no great + pleasure.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter13">CHAPTER XIII.</a><br /> + <em>The history, returning to the Lady Booby, gives some account of the terrible + conflict in her breast between love and pride, with what happened on the present + discovery.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter14">CHAPTER XIV.</a><br /> + <em>Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams fell into many + hair-breadth scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and partly to his + inadvertency.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter15">CHAPTER XV.</a><br /> + <em>The arrival of Gaffar and Gammar Andrews with another person not much + expected, and a perfect solution of the difficulties raised by the + pedlar.</em><br /> + <a href="#book4chapter16">CHAPTER XVI.</a><br /> + <em>Being the last. In which this true history is brought to a happy + conclusion.</em> + </center> + <h4>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.</h4> + <center> + <a href="#figure1">MR WILSON RELATES HIS HISTORY</a><br /> + <a href="#figure2">PARSON ADAMS</a><br /> + <a href="#figure3">HE RAN TOWARDS HER</a><br /> + </center> + <hr /> + <h1>THE HISTORY OF THE ADVENTURES OF JOSEPH ANDREWS AND HIS FRIEND MR ABRAHAM + ADAMS</h1> + <hr /> + <h2>BOOK II.—continued.</h2> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter14" name="book2chapter14">CHAPTER XIV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>An interview between parson Adams and parson + Trulliber.</em></p> + <p>Parson Adams came to the house of parson Trulliber, whom he found stript into his + waistcoat, with an apron on, and a pail in his hand, just come from serving his hogs; + for Mr Trulliber was a parson on Sundays, but all the other six might more properly + be called a farmer. He occupied a small piece of land of his own, besides which he + rented a considerable deal more. His wife milked his cows, managed his dairy, and + followed the markets with butter and eggs. The hogs fell chiefly to his care, which + he carefully waited on at home, and attended to fairs; on which occasion he was + liable to many jokes, his own size being, with much ale, rendered little inferior to + that of the beasts he sold. He was indeed one of the largest men you should see, and + could have acted the part of Sir John Falstaff without stuffing. Add to this that the + rotundity of his belly was considerably increased by the shortness of his stature, + his shadow ascending very near as far in height, when he lay on his back, as when he + stood on his legs. His voice was loud and hoarse, and his accents extremely broad. To + complete the whole, he had a stateliness in his gait, when he walked, not unlike that + of a goose, only he stalked slower.</p> + <p>Mr Trulliber, being informed that somebody wanted to speak with him, immediately + slipt off his apron and clothed himself in an old night-gown, being the dress in + which he always saw his company at home. His wife, who informed him of Mr Adams's + arrival, had made a small mistake; for she had told her husband, "She believed there + was a man come for some of his hogs." This supposition made Mr Trulliber hasten with + the utmost expedition to attend his guest. He no sooner saw Adams than, not in the + least doubting the cause of his errand to be what his wife had imagined, he told him, + "He was come in very good time; that he expected a dealer that very afternoon;" and + added, "they were all pure and fat, and upwards of twenty score a-piece." Adams + answered, "He believed he did not know him." "Yes, yes," cried Trulliber, "I have + seen you often at fair; why, we have dealt before now, mun, I warrant you. Yes, yes," + cries he, "I remember thy face very well, but won't mention a word more till you have + seen them, though I have never sold thee a flitch of such bacon as is now in the + stye." Upon which he laid violent hands on Adams, and dragged him into the hog-stye, + which was indeed but two steps from his parlour window. They were no sooner arrived + there than he cry'd out, "Do but handle them! step in, friend! art welcome to handle + them, whether dost buy or no." At which words, opening the gate, he pushed Adams into + the pig-stye, insisting on it that he should handle them before he would talk one + word with him.</p> + <p>Adams, whose natural complacence was beyond any artificial, was obliged to comply + before he was suffered to explain himself; and, laying hold on one of their tails, + the unruly beast gave such a sudden spring, that he threw poor Adams all along in the + mire. Trulliber, instead of assisting him to get up, burst into a laughter, and, + entering the stye, said to Adams, with some contempt, "Why, dost not know how to + handle a hog?" and was going to lay hold of one himself, but Adams, who thought he + had carried his complacence far enough, was no sooner on his legs than he escaped out + of the reach of the animals, and cried out, "<em>Nihil habeo cum porcis</em>: I am a + clergyman, sir, and am not come to buy hogs." Trulliber answered, "He was sorry for + the mistake, but that he must blame his wife," adding, "she was a fool, and always + committed blunders." He then desired him to walk in and clean himself, that he would + only fasten up the stye and follow him. Adams desired leave to dry his greatcoat, + wig, and hat by the fire, which Trulliber granted. Mrs Trulliber would have brought + him a basin of water to wash his face, but her husband bid her be quiet like a fool + as she was, or she would commit more blunders, and then directed Adams to the pump. + While Adams was thus employed, Trulliber, conceiving no great respect for the + appearance of his guest, fastened the parlour door, and now conducted him into the + kitchen, telling him he believed a cup of drink would do him no harm, and whispered + his wife to draw a little of the worst ale. After a short silence Adams said, "I + fancy, sir, you already perceive me to be a clergyman."—"Ay, ay," cries + Trulliber, grinning, "I perceive you have some cassock; I will not venture to caale + it a whole one." Adams answered, "It was indeed none of the best, but he had the + misfortune to tear it about ten years ago in passing over a stile." Mrs Trulliber, + returning with the drink, told her husband, "She fancied the gentleman was a + traveller, and that he would be glad to eat a bit." Trulliber bid her hold her + impertinent tongue, and asked her, "If parsons used to travel without horses?" + adding, "he supposed the gentleman had none by his having no boots on."—"Yes, + sir, yes," says Adams; "I have a horse, but I have left him behind me."—"I am + glad to hear you have one," says Trulliber; "for I assure you I don't love to see + clergymen on foot; it is not seemly nor suiting the dignity of the cloth." Here + Trulliber made a long oration on the dignity of the cloth (or rather gown) not much + worth relating, till his wife had spread the table and set a mess of porridge on it + for his breakfast. He then said to Adams, "I don't know, friend, how you came to + caale on me; however, as you are here, if you think proper to eat a morsel, you may." + Adams accepted the invitation, and the two parsons sat down together; Mrs Trulliber + waiting behind her husband's chair, as was, it seems, her custom. Trulliber eat + heartily, but scarce put anything in his mouth without finding fault with his wife's + cookery. All which the poor woman bore patiently. Indeed, she was so absolute an + admirer of her husband's greatness and importance, of which she had frequent hints + from his own mouth, that she almost carried her adoration to an opinion of his + infallibility. To say the truth, the parson had exercised her more ways than one; and + the pious woman had so well edified by her husband's sermons, that she had resolved + to receive the bad things of this world together with the good. She had indeed been + at first a little contentious; but he had long since got the better; partly by her + love for this, partly by her fear of that, partly by her religion, partly by the + respect he paid himself, and partly by that which he received from the parish. She + had, in short, absolutely submitted, and now worshipped her husband, as Sarah did + Abraham, calling him (not lord, but) master. Whilst they were at table her husband + gave her a fresh example of his greatness; for, as she had just delivered a cup of + ale to Adams, he snatched it out of his hand, and, crying out, "I caal'd vurst," + swallowed down the ale. Adams denied it; it was referred to the wife, who, though her + conscience was on the side of Adams, durst not give it against her husband; upon + which he said, "No, sir, no; I should not have been so rude to have taken it from you + if you had caal'd vurst, but I'd have you know I'm a better man than to suffer the + best he in the kingdom to drink before me in my own house when I caale vurst."</p> + <p>As soon as their breakfast was ended, Adams began in the following manner: "I + think, sir, it is high time to inform you of the business of my embassy. I am a + traveller, and am passing this way in company with two young people, a lad and a + damsel, my parishioners, towards my own cure; we stopt at a house of hospitality in + the parish, where they directed me to you as having the cure."—"Though I am but + a curate," says Trulliber, "I believe I am as warm as the vicar himself, or perhaps + the rector of the next parish too; I believe I could buy them both."—"Sir," + cries Adams, "I rejoice thereat. Now, sir, my business is, that we are by various + accidents stript of our money, and are not able to pay our reckoning, being seven + shillings. I therefore request you to assist me with the loan of those seven + shillings, and also seven shillings more, which, peradventure, I shall return to you; + but if not, I am convinced you will joyfully embrace such an opportunity of laying up + a treasure in a better place than any this world affords."</p> + <p>Suppose a stranger, who entered the chambers of a lawyer, being imagined a client, + when the lawyer was preparing his palm for the fee, should pull out a writ against + him. Suppose an apothecary, at the door of a chariot containing some great doctor of + eminent skill, should, instead of directions to a patient, present him with a potion + for himself. Suppose a minister should, instead of a good round sum, treat my lord + ——, or sir ——, or esq. —— with a good broomstick. + Suppose a civil companion, or a led captain, should, instead of virtue, and honour, + and beauty, and parts, and admiration, thunder vice, and infamy, and ugliness, and + folly, and contempt, in his patron's ears. Suppose, when a tradesman first carries in + his bill, the man of fashion should pay it; or suppose, if he did so, the tradesman + should abate what he had overcharged, on the supposition of waiting. In + short—suppose what you will, you never can nor will suppose anything equal to + the astonishment which seized on Trulliber, as soon as Adams had ended his speech. A + while he rolled his eyes in silence; sometimes surveying Adams, then his wife; then + casting them on the ground, then lifting them up to heaven. At last he burst forth in + the following accents: "Sir, I believe I know where to lay up my little treasure as + well as another. I thank G—, if I am not so warm as some, I am content; that is + a blessing greater than riches; and he to whom that is given need ask no more. To be + content with a little is greater than to possess the world; which a man may possess + without being so. Lay up my treasure! what matters where a man's treasure is whose + heart is in the Scriptures? there is the treasure of a Christian." At these words the + water ran from Adams's eyes; and, catching Trulliber by the hand in a rapture, + "Brother," says he, "heavens bless the accident by which I came to see you! I would + have walked many a mile to have communed with you; and, believe me, I will shortly + pay you a second visit; but my friends, I fancy, by this time, wonder at my stay; so + let me have the money immediately." Trulliber then put on a stern look, and cried + out, "Thou dost not intend to rob me?" At which the wife, bursting into tears, fell + on her knees and roared out, "O dear sir! for Heaven's sake don't rob my master; we + are but poor people." "Get up, for a fool as thou art, and go about thy business," + said Trulliber; "dost think the man will venture his life? he is a beggar, and no + robber." "Very true, indeed," answered Adams. "I wish, with all my heart, the + tithing-man was here," cries Trulliber; "I would have thee punished as a vagabond for + thy impudence. Fourteen shillings indeed! I won't give thee a farthing. I believe + thou art no more a clergyman than the woman there" (pointing to his wife); "but if + thou art, dost deserve to have thy gown stript over thy shoulders for running about + the country in such a manner." "I forgive your suspicions," says Adams; "but suppose + I am not a clergyman, I am nevertheless thy brother; and thou, as a Christian, much + more as a clergyman, art obliged to relieve my distress." "Dost preach to me?" + replied Trulliber; "dost pretend to instruct me in my duty?" "Ifacks, a good story," + cries Mrs Trulliber, "to preach to my master." "Silence, woman," cries Trulliber. "I + would have thee know, friend" (addressing himself to Adams), "I shall not learn my + duty from such as thee. I know what charity is, better than to give to vagabonds." + "Besides, if we were inclined, the poor's rate obliges us to give so much charity," + cries the wife. "Pugh! thou art a fool. Poor's reate! Hold thy nonsense," answered + Trulliber; and then, turning to Adams, he told him, "he would give him nothing." "I + am sorry," answered Adams, "that you do know what charity is, since you practise it + no better: I must tell you, if you trust to your knowledge for your justification, + you will find yourself deceived, though you should add faith to it, without good + works." "Fellow," cries Trulliber, "dost thou speak against faith in my house? Get + out of my doors: I will no longer remain under the same roof with a wretch who speaks + wantonly of faith and the Scriptures." "Name not the Scriptures," says Adams. "How! + not name the Scriptures! Do you disbelieve the Scriptures?" cries Trulliber. "No; but + you do," answered Adams, "if I may reason from your practice; for their commands are + so explicit, and their rewards and punishments so immense, that it is impossible a + man should stedfastly believe without obeying. Now, there is no command more express, + no duty more frequently enjoined, than charity. Whoever, therefore, is void of + charity, I make no scruple of pronouncing that he is no Christian." "I would not + advise thee," says Trulliber, "to say that I am no Christian: I won't take it of you; + for I believe I am as good a man as thyself" (and indeed, though he was now rather + too corpulent for athletic exercises, he had, in his youth, been one of the best + boxers and cudgel-players in the county). His wife, seeing him clench his fist, + interposed, and begged him not to fight, but show himself a true Christian, and take + the law of him. As nothing could provoke Adams to strike, but an absolute assault on + himself or his friend, he smiled at the angry look and gestures of Trulliber; and, + telling him he was sorry to see such men in orders, departed without further + ceremony.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter15" name="book2chapter15">CHAPTER XV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>An adventure, the consequence of a new instance which parson + Adams gave of his forgetfulness.</em></p> + <p>When he came back to the inn he found Joseph and Fanny sitting together. They were + so far from thinking his absence long, as he had feared they would, that they never + once missed or thought of him. Indeed, I have been often assured by both, that they + spent these hours in a most delightful conversation; but, as I never could prevail on + either to relate it, so I cannot communicate it to the reader.</p> + <p>Adams acquainted the lovers with the ill success of his enterprize. They were all + greatly confounded, none being able to propose any method of departing, till Joseph + at last advised calling in the hostess, and desiring her to trust them; which Fanny + said she despaired of her doing, as she was one of the sourest-faced women she had + ever beheld.</p> + <p>But she was agreeably disappointed; for the hostess was no sooner asked the + question than she readily agreed; and, with a curtsy and smile, wished them a good + journey. However, lest Fanny's skill in physiognomy should be called in question, we + will venture to assign one reason which might probably incline her to this confidence + and good-humour. When Adams said he was going to visit his brother, he had + unwittingly imposed on Joseph and Fanny, who both believed he had meant his natural + brother, and not his brother in divinity, and had so informed the hostess, on her + enquiry after him. Now Mr Trulliber had, by his professions of piety, by his gravity, + austerity, reserve, and the opinion of his great wealth, so great an authority in his + parish, that they all lived in the utmost fear and apprehension of him. It was + therefore no wonder that the hostess, who knew it was in his option whether she + should ever sell another mug of drink, did not dare to affront his supposed brother + by denying him credit.</p> + <p>They were now just on their departure when Adams recollected he had left his + greatcoat and hat at Mr Trulliber's. As he was not desirous of renewing his visit, + the hostess herself, having no servant at home, offered to fetch it.</p> + <p>This was an unfortunate expedient; for the hostess was soon undeceived in the + opinion she had entertained of Adams, whom Trulliber abused in the grossest terms, + especially when he heard he had had the assurance to pretend to be his near + relation.</p> + <p>At her return, therefore, she entirely changed her note. She said, "Folks might be + ashamed of travelling about, and pretending to be what they were not. That taxes were + high, and for her part she was obliged to pay for what she had; she could not + therefore possibly, nor would she, trust anybody; no, not her own father. That money + was never scarcer, and she wanted to make up a sum. That she expected, therefore, + they should pay their reckoning before they left the house."</p> + <p>Adams was now greatly perplexed; but, as he knew that he could easily have + borrowed such a sum in his own parish, and as he knew he would have lent it himself + to any mortal in distress, so he took fresh courage, and sallied out all round the + parish, but to no purpose; he returned as pennyless as he went, groaning and + lamenting that it was possible, in a country professing Christianity, for a wretch to + starve in the midst of his fellow-creatures who abounded.</p> + <p>Whilst he was gone, the hostess, who stayed as a sort of guard with Joseph and + Fanny, entertained them with the goodness of parson Trulliber. And, indeed, he had + not only a very good character as to other qualities in the neighbourhood, but was + reputed a man of great charity; for, though he never gave a farthing, he had always + that word in his mouth.</p> + <p>Adams was no sooner returned the second time than the storm grew exceedingly high, + the hostess declaring, among other things, that, if they offered to stir without + paying her, she would soon overtake them with a warrant.</p> + <p>Plato and Aristotle, or somebody else, hath said, <em>that when the most exquisite + cunning fails, chance often hits the mark, and that by means the least expected</em>. + Virgil expresses this very boldly:—</p> + <blockquote> + <em>Turne, quod optanti divum promittere nemo<br /> + Auderet, volvenda dies, en! attulit ultro.</em> + </blockquote> + <p>I would quote more great men if I could; but my memory not permitting me, I will + proceed to exemplify these observations by the following instance:—</p> + <p>There chanced (for Adams had not cunning enough to contrive it) to be at that time + in the alehouse a fellow who had been formerly a drummer in an Irish regiment, and + now travelled the country as a pedlar. This man, having attentively listened to the + discourse of the hostess, at last took Adams aside, and asked him what the sum was + for which they were detained. As soon as he was informed, he sighed, and said, "He + was sorry it was so much; for that he had no more than six shillings and sixpence in + his pocket, which he would lend them with all his heart." Adams gave a caper, and + cry'd out, "It would do; for that he had sixpence himself." And thus these poor + people, who could not engage the compassion of riches and piety, were at length + delivered out of their distress by the charity of a poor pedlar.</p> + <p>I shall refer it to my reader to make what observations he pleases on this + incident: it is sufficient for me to inform him that, after Adams and his companions + had returned him a thousand thanks, and told him where he might call to be repaid, + they all sallied out of the house without any compliments from their hostess, or + indeed without paying her any; Adams declaring he would take particular care never to + call there again; and she on her side assuring them she wanted no such guests.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter16" name="book2chapter16">CHAPTER XVI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A very curious adventure, in which Mr Adams gave a much + greater instance of the honest simplicity of his heart, than of his experience in the + ways of this world.</em></p> + <p>Our travellers had walked about two miles from that inn, which they had more + reason to have mistaken for a castle than Don Quixote ever had any of those in which + he sojourned, seeing they had met with such difficulty in escaping out of its walls, + when they came to a parish, and beheld a sign of invitation hanging out. A gentleman + sat smoaking a pipe at the door, of whom Adams inquired the road, and received so + courteous and obliging an answer, accompanied with so smiling a countenance, that the + good parson, whose heart was naturally disposed to love and affection, began to ask + several other questions; particularly the name of the parish, and who was the owner + of a large house whose front they then had in prospect. The gentleman answered as + obligingly as before; and as to the house, acquainted him it was his own. He then + proceeded in the following manner: "Sir, I presume by your habit you are a clergyman; + and as you are travelling on foot I suppose a glass of good beer will not be + disagreeable to you; and I can recommend my landlord's within as some of the best in + all this country. What say you, will you halt a little and let us take a pipe + together? there is no better tobacco in the kingdom." This proposal was not + displeasing to Adams, who had allayed his thirst that day with no better liquor than + what Mrs Trulliber's cellar had produced; and which was indeed little superior, + either in richness or flavour, to that which distilled from those grains her generous + husband bestowed on his hogs. Having, therefore, abundantly thanked the gentleman for + his kind invitation, and bid Joseph and Fanny follow him, he entered the alehouse, + where a large loaf and cheese and a pitcher of beer, which truly answered the + character given of it, being set before them, the three travellers fell to eating, + with appetites infinitely more voracious than are to be found at the most exquisite + eating-houses in the parish of St. James's.</p> + <p>The gentleman expressed great delight in the hearty and cheerful behaviour of + Adams; and particularly in the familiarity with which he conversed with Joseph and + Fanny, whom he often called his children; a term he explained to mean no more than + his parishioners; saying, "He looked on all those whom God had intrusted to his care + to stand to him in that relation." The gentleman, shaking him by the hand, highly + applauded those sentiments. "They are, indeed," says he, "the true principles of a + Christian divine; and I heartily wish they were universal; but, on the contrary, I am + sorry to say the parson of our parish, instead of esteeming his poor parishioners as + a part of his family, seems rather to consider them as not of the same species with + himself. He seldom speaks to any, unless some few of the richest of us; nay, indeed, + he will not move his hat to the others. I often laugh when I behold him on Sundays + strutting along the churchyard like a turkey-cock through rows of his parishioners, + who bow to him with as much submission, and are as unregarded, as a set of servile + courtiers by the proudest prince in Christendom. But if such temporal pride is + ridiculous, surely the spiritual is odious and detestable; if such a puffed—up + empty human bladder, strutting in princely robes, justly moves one's derision, surely + in the habit of a priest it must raise our scorn."</p> + <p>"Doubtless," answered Adams, "your opinion is right; but I hope such examples are + rare. The clergy whom I have the honour to know maintain a different behaviour; and + you will allow me, sir, that the readiness which too many of the laity show to + contemn the order may be one reason of their avoiding too much humility." "Very true, + indeed," says the gentleman; "I find, sir, you are a man of excellent sense, and am + happy in this opportunity of knowing you; perhaps our accidental meeting may not be + disadvantageous to you neither. At present I shall only say to you that the incumbent + of this living is old and infirm, and that it is in my gift. Doctor, give me your + hand; and assure yourself of it at his decease." Adams told him, "He was never more + confounded in his life than at his utter incapacity to make any return to such noble + and unmerited generosity." "A mere trifle, sir," cries the gentleman, "scarce worth + your acceptance; a little more than three hundred a year. I wish it was double the + value for your sake." Adams bowed, and cried from the emotions of his gratitude; when + the other asked him, "If he was married, or had any children, besides those in the + spiritual sense he had mentioned." "Sir," replied the parson, "I have a wife and six + at your service." "That is unlucky," says the gentleman; "for I would otherwise have + taken you into my own house as my chaplain; however, I have another in the parish + (for the parsonage-house is not good enough), which I will furnish for you. Pray, + does your wife understand a dairy?" "I can't profess she does," says Adams. "I am + sorry for it," quoth the gentleman; "I would have given you half-a-dozen cows, and + very good grounds to have maintained them." "Sir," said Adams, in an ecstasy, "you + are too liberal; indeed you are." "Not at all," cries the gentleman: "I esteem riches + only as they give me an opportunity of doing good; and I never saw one whom I had a + greater inclination to serve." At which words he shook him heartily by the hand, and + told him he had sufficient room in his house to entertain him and his friends. Adams + begged he might give him no such trouble; that they could be very well accommodated + in the house where they were; forgetting they had not a sixpenny piece among them. + The gentleman would not be denied; and, informing himself how far they were + travelling, he said it was too long a journey to take on foot, and begged that they + would favour him by suffering him to lend them a servant and horses; adding, withal, + that, if they would do him the pleasure of their company only two days, he would + furnish them with his coach and six. Adams, turning to Joseph, said, "How lucky is + this gentleman's goodness to you, who I am afraid would be scarce able to hold out on + your lame leg!" and then, addressing the person who made him these liberal promises, + after much bowing, he cried out, "Blessed be the hour which first introduced me to a + man of your charity! you are indeed a Christian of the true primitive kind, and an + honour to the country wherein you live. I would willingly have taken a pilgrimage to + the Holy Land to have beheld you; for the advantages which we draw from your goodness + give me little pleasure, in comparison of what I enjoy for your own sake when I + consider the treasures you are by these means laying up for yourself in a country + that passeth not away. We will therefore, most generous sir, accept your goodness, as + well the entertainment you have so kindly offered us at your house this evening, as + the accommodation of your horses to-morrow morning." He then began to search for his + hat, as did Joseph for his; and both they and Fanny were in order of departure, when + the gentleman, stopping short, and seeming to meditate by himself for the space of + about a minute, exclaimed thus: "Sure never anything was so unlucky; I had forgot + that my house-keeper was gone abroad, and hath locked up all my rooms; indeed, I + would break them open for you, but shall not be able to furnish you with a bed; for + she has likewise put away all my linen. I am glad it entered into my head before I + had given you the trouble of walking there; besides, I believe you will find better + accommodations here than you expected.—Landlord, you can provide good beds for + these people, can't you?" "Yes, and please your worship," cries the host, "and such + as no lord or justice of the peace in the kingdom need be ashamed to lie in." "I am + heartily sorry," says the gentleman, "for this disappointment. I am resolved I will + never suffer her to carry away the keys again." "Pray, sir, let it not make you + uneasy," cries Adams; "we shall do very well here; and the loan of your horses is a + favour we shall be incapable of making any return to." "Ay!" said the squire, "the + horses shall attend you here at what hour in the morning you please;" and now, after + many civilities too tedious to enumerate, many squeezes by the hand, with most + affectionate looks and smiles at each other, and after appointing the horses at seven + the next morning, the gentleman took his leave of them, and departed to his own + house. Adams and his companions returned to the table, where the parson smoaked + another pipe, and then they all retired to rest.</p> + <p>Mr Adams rose very early, and called Joseph out of his bed, between whom a very + fierce dispute ensued, whether Fanny should ride behind Joseph, or behind the + gentleman's servant; Joseph insisting on it that he was perfectly recovered, and was + as capable of taking care of Fanny as any other person could be. But Adams would not + agree to it, and declared he would not trust her behind him; for that he was weaker + than he imagined himself to be.</p> + <p>This dispute continued a long time, and had begun to be very hot, when a servant + arrived from their good friend, to acquaint them that he was unfortunately prevented + from lending them any horses; for that his groom had, unknown to him, put his whole + stable under a course of physic.</p> + <p>This advice presently struck the two disputants dumb: Adams cried out, "Was ever + anything so unlucky as this poor gentleman? I protest I am more sorry on his account + than my own. You see, Joseph, how this good-natured man is treated by his servants; + one locks up his linen, another physics his horses, and I suppose, by his being at + this house last night, the butler had locked up his cellar. Bless us! how good-nature + is used in this world! I protest I am more concerned on his account than my own." "So + am not I," cries Joseph; "not that I am much troubled about walking on foot; all my + concern is, how we shall get out of the house, unless God sends another pedlar to + redeem us. But certainly this gentleman has such an affection for you, that he would + lend you a larger sum than we owe here, which is not above four or five shillings." + "Very true, child," answered Adams; "I will write a letter to him, and will even + venture to solicit him for three half-crowns; there will be no harm in having two or + three shillings in our pockets; as we have full forty miles to travel, we may + possibly have occasion for them."</p> + <p>Fanny being now risen, Joseph paid her a visit, and + left Adams to write his letter, which having finished, he despatched a boy with it to + the gentleman, and then seated himself by the door, lighted his pipe, and betook + himself to meditation.</p> + <p>The boy staying longer than seemed to be necessary, Joseph, + who with Fanny was now returned to the parson, expressed some apprehensions that the + gentleman's steward had locked up his purse too. To which Adams answered, "It might + very possibly be, and he should wonder at no liberties which the devil might put into + the head of a wicked servant to take with so worthy a master;" but added, "that, as + the sum was so small, so noble a gentleman would be easily able to procure it in the + parish, though he had it not in his own pocket. Indeed," says he, "if it was four or + five guineas, or any such large quantity of money, it might be a different + matter."</p> + <p>They were now sat down to breakfast over some toast and ale, when the boy returned + and informed them that the gentleman was not at home. "Very well!" cries Adams; "but + why, child, did you not stay till his return? Go back again, my good boy, and wait + for his coming home; he cannot be gone far, as his horses are all sick; and besides, + he had no intention to go abroad, for he invited us to spend this day and tomorrow at + his house. Therefore go back, child, and tarry till his return home." The messenger + departed, and was back again with great expedition, bringing an account that the + gentleman was gone a long journey, and would not be at home again this month. At + these words Adams seemed greatly confounded, saying, "This must be a sudden accident, + as the sickness or death of a relation or some such unforeseen misfortune;" and then, + turning to Joseph, cried, "I wish you had reminded me to have borrowed this money + last night." Joseph, smiling, answered, "He was very much deceived if the gentleman + would not have found some excuse to avoid lending it.—I own," says he, "I was + never much pleased with his professing so much kindness for you at first sight; for I + have heard the gentlemen of our cloth in London tell many such stories of their + masters. But when the boy brought the message back of his not being at home, I + presently knew what would follow; for, whenever a man of fashion doth not care to + fulfil his promises, the custom is to order his servants that he will never be at + home to the person so promised. In London they call it denying him. I have myself + denied Sir Thomas Booby above a hundred times, and when the man hath danced + attendance for about a month or sometimes longer, he is acquainted in the end that + the gentleman is gone out of town and could do nothing in the business."—"Good + Lord!" says Adams, "what wickedness is there in the Christian world! I profess almost + equal to what I have read of the heathens. But surely, Joseph, your suspicions of + this gentleman must be unjust, for what a silly fellow must he be who would do the + devil's work for nothing! and canst thou tell me any interest he could possibly + propose to himself by deceiving us in his professions?"—"It is not for me," + answered Joseph, "to give reasons for what men do, to a gentleman of your + learning."—"You say right," quoth Adams; "knowledge of men is only to be + learned from books; Plato and Seneca for that; and those are authors, I am afraid, + child, you never read."—"Not I, sir, truly," answered Joseph; "all I know is, + it is a maxim among the gentlemen of our cloth, that those masters who promise the + most perform the least; and I have often heard them say they have found the largest + vails in those families where they were not promised any. But, sir, instead of + considering any farther these matters, it would be our wisest way to contrive some + method of getting out of this house; for the generous gentleman, instead of doing us + any service, hath left us the whole reckoning to pay." Adams was going to answer, + when their host came in, and, with a kind of jeering smile, said, "Well, masters! the + squire hath not sent his horses for you yet. Laud help me! how easily some folks make + promises!"—"How!" says Adams; "have you ever known him do anything of this kind + before?"—"Ay! marry have I," answered the host: "it is no business of mine, you + know, sir, to say anything to a gentleman to his face; but now he is not here, I will + assure you, he hath not his fellow within the three next market-towns. I own I could + not help laughing when I heard him offer you the living, for thereby hangs a good + jest. I thought he would have offered you my house next, for one is no more his to + dispose of than the other." At these words Adams, blessing himself, declared, "He had + never read of such a monster. But what vexes me most," says he, "is, that he hath + decoyed us into running up a long debt with you, which we are not able to pay, for we + have no money about us, and, what is worse, live at such a distance, that if you + should trust us, I am afraid you would lose your money for want of our finding any + conveniency of sending it."—"Trust you, master!" says the host, "that I will + with all my heart. I honour the clergy too much to deny trusting one of them for such + a trifle; besides, I like your fear of never paying me. I have lost many a debt in my + lifetime, but was promised to be paid them all in a very short time. I will score + this reckoning for the novelty of it. It is the first, I do assure you, of its kind. + But what say you, master, shall we have t'other pot before we part? It will waste but + a little chalk more, and if you never pay me a shilling the loss will not ruin me." + Adams liked the invitation very well, especially as it was delivered with so hearty + an accent. He shook his host by the hand, and thanking him, said, "He would tarry + another pot rather for the pleasure of such worthy company than for the liquor;" + adding, "he was glad to find some Christians left in the kingdom, for that he almost + began to suspect that he was sojourning in a country inhabited only by Jews and + Turks."</p> + <p>The kind host produced the liquor, and Joseph with Fanny retired into the garden, + where, while they solaced themselves with amorous discourse, Adams sat down with his + host; and, both filling their glasses, and lighting their pipes, they began that + dialogue which the reader will find in the next chapter.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book2chapter17" name="book2chapter17">CHAPTER XVII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and his host, which, by + the disagreement in their opinions, seemed to threaten an unlucky catastrophe, had it + not been timely prevented by the return of the lovers.</em></p> + <p>"Sir," said the host, "I assure you you are not the first to whom our squire hath + promised more than he hath performed. He is so famous for this practice, that his + word will not be taken for much by those who know him. I remember a young fellow whom + he promised his parents to make an exciseman. The poor people, who could ill afford + it, bred their son to writing and accounts, and other learning to qualify him for the + place; and the boy held up his head above his condition with these hopes; nor would + he go to plough, nor to any other kind of work, and went constantly drest as fine as + could be, with two clean Holland shirts a week, and this for several years; till at + last he followed the squire up to London, thinking there to mind him of his promises; + but he could never get sight of him. So that, being out of money and business, he + fell into evil company and wicked courses; and in the end came to a sentence of + transportation, the news of which broke the mother's heart.—I will tell you + another true story of him. There was a neighbour of mine, a farmer, who had two sons + whom he bred up to the business. Pretty lads they were. Nothing would serve the + squire but that the youngest must be made a parson. Upon which he persuaded the + father to send him to school, promising that he would afterwards maintain him at the + university, and, when he was of a proper age, give him a living. But after the lad + had been seven years at school, and his father brought him to the squire, with a + letter from his master that he was fit for the university, the squire, instead of + minding his promise, or sending him thither at his expense, only told his father that + the young man was a fine scholar, and it was pity he could not afford to keep him at + Oxford for four or five years more, by which time, if he could get him a curacy, he + might have him ordained. The farmer said, 'He was not a man sufficient to do any such + thing.'—'Why, then,' answered the squire, 'I am very sorry you have given him + so much learning; for, if he cannot get his living by that, it will rather spoil him + for anything else; and your other son, who can hardly write his name, will do more at + ploughing and sowing, and is in a better condition, than he.' And indeed so it + proved; for the poor lad, not finding friends to maintain him in his learning, as he + had expected, and being unwilling to work, fell to drinking, though he was a very + sober lad before; and in a short time, partly with grief, and partly with good + liquor, fell into a consumption, and died.—Nay, I can tell you more still: + there was another, a young woman, and the handsomest in all this neighbourhood, whom + he enticed up to London, promising to make her a gentlewoman to one of your women of + quality; but, instead of keeping his word, we have since heard, after having a child + by her himself, she became a common whore; then kept a coffeehouse in Covent Garden; + and a little after died of the French distemper in a gaol.—I could tell you + many more stories; but how do you imagine he served me myself? You must know, sir, I + was bred a seafaring man, and have been many voyages; till at last I came to be + master of a ship myself, and was in a fair way of making a fortune, when I was + attacked by one of those cursed guarda-costas who took our ships before the beginning + of the war; and after a fight, wherein I lost the greater part of my crew, my rigging + being all demolished, and two shots received between wind and water, I was forced to + strike. The villains carried off my ship, a brigantine of 150 tons—a pretty + creature she was—and put me, a man, and a boy, into a little bad pink, in + which, with much ado, we at last made Falmouth; though I believe the Spaniards did + not imagine she could possibly live a day at sea. Upon my return hither, where my + wife, who was of this country, then lived, the squire told me he was so pleased with + the defence I had made against the enemy, that he did not fear getting me promoted to + a lieutenancy of a man-of-war, if I would accept of it; which I thankfully assured + him I would. Well, sir, two or three years passed, during which I had many repeated + promises, not only from the squire, but (as he told me) from the lords of the + admiralty. He never returned from London but I was assured I might be satisfied now, + for I was certain of the first vacancy; and, what surprizes me still, when I reflect + on it, these assurances were given me with no less confidence, after so many + disappointments, than at first. At last, sir, growing weary, and somewhat suspicious, + after so much delay, I wrote to a friend in London, who I knew had some acquaintance + at the best house in the admiralty, and desired him to back the squire's interest; + for indeed I feared he had solicited the affair with more coldness than he pretended. + And what answer do you think my friend sent me? Truly, sir, he acquainted me that the + squire had never mentioned my name at the admiralty in his life; and, unless I had + much faithfuller interest, advised me to give over my pretensions; which I + immediately did, and, with the concurrence of my wife, resolved to set up an + alehouse, where you are heartily welcome; and so my service to you; and may the + squire, and all such sneaking rascals, go to the devil together."—"O fie!" says + Adams, "O fie! He is indeed a wicked man; but G— will, I hope, turn his heart + to repentance. Nay, if he could but once see the meanness of this detestable vice; + would he but once reflect that he is one of the most scandalous as well as pernicious + lyars; sure he must despise himself to so intolerable a degree, that it would be + impossible for him to continue a moment in such a course. And to confess the truth, + notwithstanding the baseness of this character, which he hath too well deserved, he + hath in his countenance sufficient symptoms of that <i>bona indoles</i>, that sweetness of + disposition, which furnishes out a good Christian."—"Ah, master! master!" says + the host, "if you had travelled as far as I have, and conversed with the many nations + where I have traded, you would not give any credit to a man's countenance. Symptoms + in his countenance, quotha! I would look there, perhaps, to see whether a man had the + small-pox, but for nothing else." He spoke this with so little regard to the parson's + observation, that it a good deal nettled him; and, taking the pipe hastily from his + mouth, he thus answered: "Master of mine, perhaps I have travelled a great deal + farther than you without the assistance of a ship. Do you imagine sailing by + different cities or countries is travelling? No.</p> + <blockquote> + "Caelum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt. + </blockquote> + <p>"I can go farther in an afternoon than you in a twelvemonth. What, I suppose you + have seen the Pillars of Hercules, and perhaps the walls of Carthage. Nay, you may + have heard Scylla, and seen Charybdis; you may have entered the closet where + Archimedes was found at the taking of Syracuse. I suppose you have sailed among the + Cyclades, and passed the famous straits which take their name from the unfortunate + Helle, whose fate is sweetly described by Apollonius Rhodius; you have passed the + very spot, I conceive, where Daedalus fell into that sea, his waxen wings being + melted by the sun; you have traversed the Euxine sea, I make no doubt; nay, you may + have been on the banks of the Caspian, and called at Colchis, to see if there is ever + another golden fleece." "Not I, truly, master," answered the host: "I never touched + at any of these places."—"But I have been at all these," replied Adams. "Then, + I suppose," cries the host, "you have been at the East Indies; for there are no such, + I will be sworn, either in the West or the Levant."—"Pray where's the Levant?" + quoth Adams; "that should be in the East Indies by right." "Oho! you are a pretty + traveller," cries the host, "and not know the Levant! My service to you, master; you + must not talk of these things with me! you must not tip us the traveller; it won't go + here." "Since thou art so dull to misunderstand me still," quoth Adams, "I will + inform thee; the travelling I mean is in books, the only way of travelling by which + any knowledge is to be acquired. From them I learn what I asserted just now, that + nature generally imprints such a portraiture of the mind in the countenance, that a + skilful physiognomist will rarely be deceived. I presume you have never read the + story of Socrates to this purpose, and therefore I will tell it you. A certain + physiognomist asserted of Socrates, that he plainly discovered by his features that + he was a rogue in his nature. A character so contrary to the tenour of all this great + man's actions, and the generally received opinion concerning him, incensed the boys + of Athens so that they threw stones at the physiognomist, and would have demolished + him for his ignorance, had not Socrates himself prevented them by confessing the + truth of his observations, and acknowledging that, though he corrected his + disposition by philosophy, he was indeed naturally as inclined to vice as had been + predicated of him. Now, pray resolve me—How should a man know this story if he + had not read it?" "Well, master," said the host, "and what signifies it whether a man + knows it or no? He who goes abroad, as I have done, will always have opportunities + enough of knowing the world without troubling his head with Socrates, or any such + fellows." "Friend," cries Adams, "if a man should sail round the world, and anchor in + every harbour of it, without learning, he would return home as ignorant as he went + out." "Lord help you!" answered the host; "there was my boatswain, poor fellow! he + could scarce either write or read, and yet he would navigate a ship with any master + of a man-of-war; and a very pretty knowledge of trade he had too." "Trade," answered + Adams, "as Aristotle proves in his first chapter of Politics, is below a philosopher, + and unnatural as it is managed now." The host looked stedfastly at Adams, and after a + minute's silence asked him, "If he was one of the writers of the Gazetteers? for I + have heard," says he, "they are writ by parsons." "Gazetteers!" answered Adams, "what + is that?" "It is a dirty newspaper," replied the host, "which hath been given away + all over the nation for these many years, to abuse trade and honest men, which I + would not suffer to lye on my table, though it hath been offered me for nothing." + "Not I truly," said Adams; "I never write anything but sermons; and I assure you I am + no enemy to trade, whilst it is consistent with honesty; nay, I have always looked on + the tradesman as a very valuable member of society, and, perhaps, inferior to none + but the man of learning." "No, I believe he is not, nor to him neither," answered the + host. "Of what use would learning be in a country without trade? What would all you + parsons do to clothe your backs and feed your bellies? Who fetches you your silks, + and your linens, and your wines, and all the other necessaries of life? I speak + chiefly with regard to the sailors." "You should say the extravagancies of life," + replied the parson; "but admit they were the necessaries, there is something more + necessary than life itself, which is provided by learning; I mean the learning of the + clergy. Who clothes you with piety, meekness, humility, charity, patience, and all + the other Christian virtues? Who feeds your souls with the milk of brotherly love, + and diets them with all the dainty food of holiness, which at once cleanses them of + all impure carnal affections, and fattens them with the truly rich spirit of grace? + Who doth this?" "Ay, who, indeed?" cries the host; "for I do not remember ever to + have seen any such clothing or such feeding. And so, in the mean time, master, my + service to you." Adams was going to answer with some severity, when Joseph and Fanny + returned and pressed his departure so eagerly that he would not refuse them; and so, + grasping his crabstick, he took leave of his host (neither of them being so well + pleased with each other as they had been at their first sitting down together), and + with Joseph and Fanny, who both expressed much impatience, departed, and now all + together renewed their journey.</p> + <hr /> + <h2>BOOK III.</h2> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter1" name="book3chapter1">CHAPTER I.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Matter prefatory in praise of biography.</em></p> + <p>Notwithstanding the preference which may be vulgarly given to the authority of + those romance writers who entitle their books "the History of England, the History of + France, of Spain, &c.," it is most certain that truth is to be found only in the + works of those who celebrate the lives of great men, and are commonly called + biographers, as the others should indeed be termed topographers, or chorographers; + words which might well mark the distinction between them; it being the business of + the latter chiefly to describe countries and cities, which, with the assistance of + maps, they do pretty justly, and may be depended upon; but as to the actions and + characters of men, their writings are not quite so authentic, of which there needs no + other proof than those eternal contradictions occurring between two topographers who + undertake the history of the same country: for instance, between my Lord Clarendon + and Mr Whitelocke, between Mr Echard and Rapin, and many others; where, facts being + set forth in a different light, every reader believes as he pleases; and, indeed, the + more judicious and suspicious very justly esteem the whole as no other than a + romance, in which the writer hath indulged a happy and fertile invention. But though + these widely differ in the narrative of facts; some ascribing victory to the one, and + others to the other party; some representing the same man as a rogue, while others + give him a great and honest character; yet all agree in the scene where the fact is + supposed to have happened, and where the person, who is both a rogue and an honest + man, lived. Now with us biographers the case is different; the facts we deliver may + be relied on, though we often mistake the age and country wherein they happened: for, + though it may be worth the examination of critics, whether the shepherd Chrysostom, + who, as Cervantes informs us, died for love of the fair Marcella, who hated him, was + ever in Spain, will any one doubt but that such a silly fellow hath really existed? + Is there in the world such a sceptic as to disbelieve the madness of Cardenio, the + perfidy of Ferdinand, the impertinent curiosity of Anselmo, the weakness of Camilla, + the irresolute friendship of Lothario? though perhaps, as to the time and place where + those several persons lived, that good historian may be deplorably deficient. But the + most known instance of this kind is in the true history of Gil Blas, where the + inimitable biographer hath made a notorious blunder in the country of Dr Sangrado, + who used his patients as a vintner doth his wine-vessels, by letting out their blood, + and filling them up with water. Doth not every one, who is the least versed in + physical history, know that Spain was not the country in which this doctor lived? The + same writer hath likewise erred in the country of his archbishop, as well as that of + those great personages whose understandings were too sublime to taste anything but + tragedy, and in many others. The same mistakes may likewise be observed in Scarron, + the Arabian Nights, the History of Marianne and le Paisan Parvenu, and perhaps some + few other writers of this class, whom I have not read, or do not at present + recollect; for I would by no means be thought to comprehend those persons of + surprizing genius, the authors of immense romances, or the modern novel and Atalantis + writers; who, without any assistance from nature or history, record persons who never + were, or will be, and facts which never did, nor possibly can, happen; whose heroes + are of their own creation, and their brains the chaos whence all their materials are + selected. Not that such writers deserve no honour; so far otherwise, that perhaps + they merit the highest; for what can be nobler than to be as an example of the + wonderful extent of human genius? One may apply to them what Balzac says of + Aristotle, that they are a second nature (for they have no communication with the + first; by which, authors of an inferior class, who cannot stand alone, are obliged to + support themselves as with crutches); but these of whom I am now speaking seem to be + possessed of those stilts, which the excellent Voltaire tells us, in his letters, + "carry the genius far off, but with an regular pace." Indeed, far out of the sight of + the reader,</p> + <blockquote> + Beyond the realm of Chaos and old Night. + </blockquote> + <p>But to return to the former class, who are contented to copy nature, instead of + forming originals from the confused heap of matter in their own brains, is not such a + book as that which records the achievements of the renowned Don Quixote more worthy + the name of a history than even Mariana's: for, whereas the latter is confined to a + particular period of time, and to a particular nation, the former is the history of + the world in general, at least that part which is polished by laws, arts, and + sciences; and of that from the time it was first polished to this day; nay, and + forwards as long as it shall so remain?</p> + <p>I shall now proceed to apply these observations to the work before us; for indeed + I have set them down principally to obviate some constructions which the good nature + of mankind, who are always forward to see their friends' virtues recorded, may put to + particular parts. I question not but several of my readers will know the lawyer in + the stage-coach the moment they hear his voice. It is likewise odds but the wit and + the prude meet with some of their acquaintance, as well as all the rest of my + characters. To prevent, therefore, any such malicious applications, I declare here, + once for all, I describe not men, but manners; not an individual, but a species. + Perhaps it will be answered, Are not the characters then taken from life? To which I + answer in the affirmative; nay, I believe I might aver that I have writ little more + than I have seen. The lawyer is not only alive, but hath been so these four thousand + years; and I hope G— will indulge his life as many yet to come. He hath not + indeed confined himself to one profession, one religion, or one country; but when the + first mean selfish creature appeared on the human stage, who made self the centre of + the whole creation, would give himself no pain, incur no danger, advance no money, to + assist or preserve his fellow-creatures; then was our lawyer born; and, whilst such a + person as I have described exists on earth, so long shall he remain upon it. It is, + therefore, doing him little honour to imagine he endeavours to mimick some little + obscure fellow, because he happens to resemble him in one particular feature, or + perhaps in his profession; whereas his appearance in the world is calculated for much + more general and noble purposes; not to expose one pitiful wretch to the small and + contemptible circle of his acquaintance; but to hold the glass to thousands in their + closets, that they may contemplate their deformity, and endeavour to reduce it, and + thus by suffering private mortification may avoid public shame. This places the + boundary between, and distinguishes the satirist from the libeller: for the former + privately corrects the fault for the benefit of the person, like a parent; the latter + publickly exposes the person himself, as an example to others, like an + executioner.</p> + <p>There are besides little circumstances to be considered; as the drapery of a + picture, which though fashion varies at different times, the resemblance of the + countenance is not by those means diminished. Thus I believe we may venture to say + Mrs Tow-wouse is coeval with our lawyer: and, though perhaps, during the changes + which so long an existence must have passed through, she may in her turn have stood + behind the bar at an inn, I will not scruple to affirm she hath likewise in the + revolution of ages sat on a throne. In short, where extreme turbulency of temper, + avarice, and an insensibility of human misery, with a degree of hypocrisy, have + united in a female composition, Mrs Tow-wouse was that woman; and where a good + inclination, eclipsed by a poverty of spirit and understanding, hath glimmered forth + in a man, that man hath been no other than her sneaking husband.</p> + <p>I shall detain my reader no longer than to give him one caution more of an + opposite kind: for, as in most of our particular characters we mean not to lash + individuals, but all of the like sort, so, in our general descriptions, we mean not + universals, but would be understood with many exceptions: for instance, in our + description of high people, we cannot be intended to include such as, whilst they are + an honour to their high rank, by a well-guided condescension make their superiority + as easy as possible to those whom fortune chiefly hath placed below them. Of this + number I could name a peer no less elevated by nature than by fortune; who, whilst he + wears the noblest ensigns of honour on his person, bears the truest stamp of dignity + on his mind, adorned with greatness, enriched with knowledge, and embellished with + genius. I have seen this man relieve with generosity, while he hath conversed with + freedom, and be to the same person a patron and a companion. I could name a commoner, + raised higher above the multitude by superior talents than is in the power of his + prince to exalt him, whose behaviour to those he hath obliged is more amiable than + the obligation itself; and who is so great a master of affability, that, if he could + divest himself of an inherent greatness in his manner, would often make the lowest of + his acquaintance forget who was the master of that palace in which they are so + courteously entertained. These are pictures which must be, I believe, known: I + declare they are taken from the life, and not intended to exceed it. By those high + people, therefore, whom I have described, I mean a set of wretches, who, while they + are a disgrace to their ancestors, whose honours and fortunes they inherit (or + perhaps a greater to their mother, for such degeneracy is scarce credible), have the + insolence to treat those with disregard who are at least equal to the founders of + their own splendor. It is, I fancy, impossible to conceive a spectacle more worthy of + our indignation, than that of a fellow, who is not only a blot in the escutcheon of a + great family, but a scandal to the human species, maintaining a supercilious + behaviour to men who are an honour to their nature and a disgrace to their + fortune.</p> + <p>And now, reader, taking these hints along with you, you may, if you please, + proceed to the sequel of this our true history.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter2" name="book3chapter2">CHAPTER II.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A night scene, wherein several wonderful adventures befel + Adams and his fellow-travellers.</em></p> + <p>It was so late when our travellers left the inn or alehouse (for it might be + called either), that they had not travelled many miles before night overtook them, or + met them, which you please. The reader must excuse me if I am not particular as to + the way they took; for, as we are now drawing near the seat of the Boobies, and as + that is a ticklish name, which malicious persons may apply, according to their evil + inclinations, to several worthy country squires, a race of men whom we look upon as + entirely inoffensive, and for whom we have an adequate regard, we shall lend no + assistance to any such malicious purposes.</p> + <p>Darkness had now overspread the hemisphere, when Fanny whispered Joseph "that she + begged to rest herself a little; for that she was so tired she could walk no + farther." Joseph immediately prevailed with parson Adams, who was as brisk as a bee, + to stop. He had no sooner seated himself than he lamented the loss of his dear + Aeschylus; but was a little comforted when reminded that, if he had it in his + possession, he could not see to read.</p> + <p>The sky was so clouded, that not a star appeared. It was indeed, according to + Milton, darkness visible. This was a circumstance, however, very favourable to + Joseph; for Fanny, not suspicious of being overseen by Adams, gave a loose to her + passion which she had never done before, and, reclining her head on his bosom, threw + her arm carelessly round him, and suffered him to lay his cheek close to hers. All + this infused such happiness into Joseph, that he would not have changed his turf for + the finest down in the finest palace in the universe.</p> + <p>Adams sat at some distance from the lovers, and, being unwilling to disturb them, + applied himself to meditation; in which he had not spent much time before he + discovered a light at some distance that seemed approaching towards him. He + immediately hailed it; but, to his sorrow and surprize, it stopped for a moment, and + then disappeared. He then called to Joseph, asking him, "if he had not seen the + light?" Joseph answered, "he had."—"And did you not mark how it vanished?" + returned he: "though I am not afraid of ghosts, I do not absolutely disbelieve + them."</p> + <p>He then entered into a meditation on those unsubstantial beings; which was soon + interrupted by several voices, which he thought almost at his elbow, though in fact + they were not so extremely near. However, he could distinctly hear them agree on the + murder of any one they met; and a little after heard one of them say, "he had killed + a dozen since that day fortnight."</p> + <p>Adams now fell on his knees, and committed himself to the care of Providence; and + poor Fanny, who likewise heard those terrible words, embraced Joseph so closely, that + had not he, whose ears were also open, been apprehensive on her account, he would + have thought no danger which threatened only himself too dear a price for such + embraces.</p> + <p>Joseph now drew forth his penknife, and Adams, having finished his ejaculations, + grasped his crab-stick, his only weapon, and, coming up to Joseph, would have had him + quit Fanny, and place her in the rear; but his advice was fruitless; she clung closer + to him, not at all regarding the presence of Adams, and in a soothing voice declared, + "she would die in his arms." Joseph, clasping her with inexpressible eagerness, + whispered her, "that he preferred death in hers to life out of them." Adams, + brandishing his crabstick, said, "he despised death as much as any man," and then + repeated aloud—</p> + <blockquote> + "Est hic, est animus lucis contemptor et illum,<br /> + Qui vita bene credat emi quo tendis, honorem." + </blockquote> + <p>Upon this the voices ceased for a moment, and then one of them called out, + "D—n you, who is there?" To which Adams was prudent enough to make no reply; + and of a sudden he observed half-a-dozen lights, which seemed to rise all at once + from the ground and advance briskly towards him. This he immediately concluded to be + an apparition; and now, beginning to conceive that the voices were of the same kind, + he called out, "In the name of the L—d, what wouldst thou have?" He had no + sooner spoke than he heard one of the voices cry out, "D—n them, here they + come;" and soon after heard several hearty blows, as if a number of men had been + engaged at quarterstaff. He was just advancing towards the place of combat, when + Joseph, catching him by the skirts, begged him that they might take the opportunity + of the dark to convey away Fanny from the danger which threatened her. He presently + complied, and, Joseph lifting up Fanny, they all three made the best of their way; + and without looking behind them, or being overtaken, they had travelled full two + miles, poor Fanny not once complaining of being tired, when they saw afar off several + lights scattered at a small distance from each other, and at the same time found + themselves on the descent of a very steep hill. Adams's foot slipping, he instantly + disappeared, which greatly frightened both Joseph and Fanny: indeed, if the light had + permitted them to see it, they would scarce have refrained laughing to see the parson + rolling down the hill; which he did from top to bottom, without receiving any harm. + He then hollowed as loud as he could, to inform them of his safety, and relieve them + from the fears which they had conceived for him. Joseph and Fanny halted some time, + considering what to do; at last they advanced a few paces, where the declivity seemed + least steep; and then Joseph, taking his Fanny in his arms, walked firmly down the + hill, without making a false step, and at length landed her at the bottom, where + Adams soon came to them.</p> + <p>Learn hence, my fair countrywomen, to consider your own weakness, and the many + occasions on which the strength of a man may be useful to you; and, duly weighing + this, take care that you match not yourselves with the spindle-shanked beaus and + <em>petit-maîtres</em> of the age, who, instead of being able, like Joseph Andrews, + to carry you in lusty arms through the rugged ways and downhill steeps of life, will + rather want to support their feeble limbs with your strength and assistance.</p> + <p>Our travellers now moved forwards where the nearest light presented itself; and, + having crossed a common field, they came to a meadow, where they seemed to be at a + very little distance from the light, when, to their grief, they arrived at the banks + of a river. Adams here made a full stop, and declared he could swim, but doubted how + it was possible to get Fanny over: to which Joseph answered, "If they walked along + its banks, they might be certain of soon finding a bridge, especially as by the + number of lights they might be assured a parish was near." "Odso, that's true + indeed," said Adams; "I did not think of that."</p> + <p>Accordingly, Joseph's advice being taken, they passed over two meadows, and came + to a little orchard, which led them to a house. Fanny begged of Joseph to knock at + the door, assuring him "she was so weary that she could hardly stand on her feet." + Adams, who was foremost, performed this ceremony; and, the door being immediately + opened, a plain kind of man appeared at it: Adams acquainted him "that they had a + young woman with them who was so tired with her journey that he should be much + obliged to him if he would suffer her to come in and rest herself." The man, who saw + Fanny by the light of the candle which he held in his hand, perceiving her innocent + and modest look, and having no apprehensions from the civil behaviour of Adams, + presently answered, "That the young woman was very welcome to rest herself in his + house, and so were her company." He then ushered them into a very decent room, where + his wife was sitting at a table: she immediately rose up, and assisted them in + setting forth chairs, and desired them to sit down; which they had no sooner done + than the man of the house asked them if they would have anything to refresh + themselves with? Adams thanked him, and answered he should be obliged to him for a + cup of his ale, which was likewise chosen by Joseph and Fanny. Whilst he was gone to + fill a very large jug with this liquor, his wife told Fanny she seemed greatly + fatigued, and desired her to take something stronger than ale; but she refused with + many thanks, saying it was true she was very much tired, but a little rest she hoped + would restore her. As soon as the company were all seated, Mr Adams, who had filled + himself with ale, and by public permission had lighted his pipe, turned to the master + of the house, asking him, "If evil spirits did not use to walk in that + neighbourhood?" To which receiving no answer, he began to inform him of the adventure + which they met with on the downs; nor had he proceeded far in the story when somebody + knocked very hard at the door. The company expressed some amazement, and Fanny and + the good woman turned pale: her husband went forth, and whilst he was absent, which + was some time, they all remained silent, looking at one another, and heard several + voices discoursing pretty loudly. Adams was fully persuaded that spirits were abroad, + and began to meditate some exorcisms; Joseph a little inclined to the same opinion; + Fanny was more afraid of men; and the good woman herself began to suspect her guests, + and imagined those without were rogues belonging to their gang. At length the master + of the house returned, and, laughing, told Adams he had discovered his apparition; + that the murderers were sheep-stealers, and the twelve persons murdered were no other + than twelve sheep; adding, that the shepherds had got the better of them, had secured + two, and were proceeding with them to a justice of peace. This account greatly + relieved the fears of the whole company; but Adams muttered to himself, "He was + convinced of the truth of apparitions for all that."</p> + <p>They now sat chearfully round the fire, till the master of the house, having + surveyed his guests, and conceiving that the cassock, which, having fallen down, + appeared under Adams's greatcoat, and the shabby livery on Joseph Andrews, did not + well suit with the familiarity between them, began to entertain some suspicions not + much to their advantage: addressing himself therefore to Adams, he said, "He + perceived he was a clergyman by his dress, and supposed that honest man was his + footman." "Sir," answered Adams, "I am a clergyman at your service; but as to that + young man, whom you have rightly termed honest, he is at present in nobody's service; + he never lived in any other family than that of Lady Booby, from whence he was + discharged, I assure you, for no crime." Joseph said, "He did not wonder the + gentleman was surprized to see one of Mr Adams's character condescend to so much + goodness with a poor man."—"Child," said Adams, "I should be ashamed of my + cloth if I thought a poor man, who is honest, below my notice or my familiarity. I + know not how those who think otherwise can profess themselves followers and servants + of Him who made no distinction, unless, peradventure, by preferring the poor to the + rich.—Sir," said he, addressing himself to the gentleman, "these two poor young + people are my parishioners, and I look on them and love them as my children. There is + something singular enough in their history, but I have not now time to recount it." + The master of the house, notwithstanding the simplicity which discovered itself in + Adams, knew too much of the world to give a hasty belief to professions. He was not + yet quite certain that Adams had any more of the clergyman in him than his cassock. + To try him therefore further, he asked him, "If Mr Pope had lately published anything + new?" Adams answered, "He had heard great commendations of that poet, but that he had + never read nor knew any of his works."—"Ho! ho!" says the gentleman to himself, + "have I caught you? What!" said he, "have you never seen his Homer?" Adams answered, + "he had never read any translation of the classicks." "Why, truly," reply'd the + gentleman, "there is a dignity in the Greek language which I think no modern tongue + can reach."—"Do you understand Greek, sir?" said Adams hastily. "A little, + sir," answered the gentleman. "Do you know, sir," cry'd Adams, "where I can buy an + Aeschylus? an unlucky misfortune lately happened to mine." Aeschylus was beyond the + gentleman, though he knew him very well by name; he therefore, returning back to + Homer, asked Adams, "What part of the Iliad he thought most excellent?" Adams + returned, "His question would be properer, What kind of beauty was the chief in + poetry? for that Homer was equally excellent in them all. And, indeed," continued he, + "what Cicero says of a complete orator may well be applied to a great poet: 'He ought + to comprehend all perfections.' Homer did this in the most excellent degree; it is + not without reason, therefore, that the philosopher, in the twenty-second chapter of + his Poeticks, mentions him by no other appellation than that of the Poet. He was the + father of the drama as well as the epic; not of tragedy only, but of comedy also; for + his Margites, which is deplorably lost, bore, says Aristotle, the same analogy to + comedy as his Odyssey and Iliad to tragedy. To him, therefore, we owe Aristophanes as + well as Euripides, Sophocles, and my poor Aeschylus. But if you please we will + confine ourselves (at least for the present) to the Iliad, his noblest work; though + neither Aristotle nor Horace give it the preference, as I remember, to the Odyssey. + First, then, as to his subject, can anything be more simple, and at the same time + more noble? He is rightly praised by the first of those judicious critics for not + chusing the whole war, which, though he says it hath a complete beginning and end, + would have been too great for the understanding to comprehend at one view. I have, + therefore, often wondered why so correct a writer as Horace should, in his epistle to + Lollius, call him the Trojani Belli Scriptorem. Secondly, his action, termed by + Aristotle, Pragmaton Systasis; is it possible for the mind of man to conceive an idea + of such perfect unity, and at the same time so replete with greatness? And here I + must observe, what I do not remember to have seen noted by any, the Harmotton, that + agreement of his action to his subject: for, as the subject is anger, how agreeable + is his action, which is war; from which every incident arises and to which every + episode immediately relates. Thirdly, his manners, which Aristotle places second in + his description of the several parts of tragedy, and which he says are included in + the action; I am at a loss whether I should rather admire the exactness of his + judgment in the nice distinction or the immensity of his imagination in their + variety. For, as to the former of these, how accurately is the sedate, injured + resentment of Achilles, distinguished from the hot, insulting passion of Agamemnon! + How widely doth the brutal courage of Ajax differ from the amiable bravery of + Diomedes; and the wisdom of Nestor, which is the result of long reflection and + experience, from the cunning of Ulysses, the effect of art and subtlety only! If we + consider their variety, we may cry out, with Aristotle in his 24th chapter, that no + part of this divine poem is destitute of manners. Indeed, I might affirm that there + is scarce a character in human nature untouched in some part or other. And, as there + is no passion which he is not able to describe, so is there none in his reader which + he cannot raise. If he hath any superior excellence to the rest, I have been inclined + to fancy it is in the pathetic. I am sure I never read with dry eyes the two episodes + where Andromache is introduced in the former lamenting the danger, and in the latter + the death, of Hector. The images are so extremely tender in these, that I am + convinced the poet had the worthiest and best heart imaginable. Nor can I help + observing how Sophocles falls short of the beauties of the original, in that + imitation of the dissuasive speech of Andromache which he hath put into the mouth of + Tecmessa. And yet Sophocles was the greatest genius who ever wrote tragedy; nor have + any of his successors in that art, that is to say, neither Euripides nor Seneca the + tragedian, been able to come near him. As to his sentiments and diction, I need say + nothing; the former are particularly remarkable for the utmost perfection on that + head, namely, propriety; and as to the latter, Aristotle, whom doubtless you have + read over and over, is very diffuse. I shall mention but one thing more, which that + great critic in his division of tragedy calls Opsis, or the scenery; and which is as + proper to the epic as to the drama, with this difference, that in the former it falls + to the share of the poet, and in the latter to that of the painter. But did ever + painter imagine a scene like that in the 13th and 14th Iliads? where the reader sees + at one view the prospect of Troy, with the army drawn up before it; the Grecian army, + camp, and fleet; Jupiter sitting on Mount Ida, with his head wrapt in a cloud, and a + thunderbolt in his hand, looking towards Thrace; Neptune driving through the sea, + which divides on each side to permit his passage, and then seating himself on Mount + Samos; the heavens opened, and the deities all seated on their thrones. This is + sublime! This is poetry!" Adams then rapt out a hundred Greek verses, and with such a + voice, emphasis, and action, that he almost frightened the women; and as for the + gentleman, he was so far from entertaining any further suspicion of Adams, that he + now doubted whether he had not a bishop in his house. He ran into the most + extravagant encomiums on his learning; and the goodness of his heart began to dilate + to all the strangers. He said he had great compassion for the poor young woman, who + looked pale and faint with her journey; and in truth he conceived a much higher + opinion of her quality than it deserved. He said he was sorry he could not + accommodate them all; but if they were contented with his fireside, he would sit up + with the men; and the young woman might, if she pleased, partake his wife's bed, + which he advised her to; for that they must walk upwards of a mile to any house of + entertainment, and that not very good neither. Adams, who liked his seat, his ale, + his tobacco, and his company, persuaded Fanny to accept this kind proposal, in which + sollicitation he was seconded by Joseph. Nor was she very difficultly prevailed on; + for she had slept little the last night and not at all the preceding; so that love + itself was scarce able to keep her eyes open any longer. The offer, therefore, being + kindly accepted, the good woman produced everything eatable in her house on the + table, and the guests, being heartily invited, as heartily regaled themselves, + especially parson Adams. As to the other two, they were examples of the truth of that + physical observation, that love, like other sweet things, is no whetter of the + stomach.</p> + <p>Supper was no sooner ended, than Fanny at her own request retired, and the good + woman bore her company. The man of the house, Adams, and Joseph, who would modestly + have withdrawn, had not the gentleman insisted on the contrary, drew round the + fireside, where Adams (to use his own words) replenished his pipe, and the gentleman + produced a bottle of excellent beer, being the best liquor in his house.</p> + <p>The modest behaviour of Joseph, with the gracefulness of his person, the character + which Adams gave of him, and the friendship he seemed to entertain for him, began to + work on the gentleman's affections, and raised in him a curiosity to know the + singularity which Adams had mentioned in his history. This curiosity Adams was no + sooner informed of than, with Joseph's consent, he agreed to gratify it; and + accordingly related all he knew, with as much tenderness as was possible for the + character of Lady Booby; and concluded with the long, faithful, and mutual passion + between him and Fanny, not concealing the meanness of her birth and education. These + latter circumstances entirely cured a jealousy which had lately risen in the + gentleman's mind, that Fanny was the daughter of some person of fashion, and that + Joseph had run away with her, and Adams was concerned in the plot. He was now + enamoured of his guests, drank their healths with great chearfulness, and returned + many thanks to Adams, who had spent much breath, for he was a circumstantial teller + of a story.</p> + <p>Adams told him it was now in his power to return that favour; for his + extraordinary goodness, as well as that fund of literature he was master of, <a + id="footnote1tag" name="footnote1tag"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> which + he did not expect to find under such a roof, had raised in him more curiosity than he + had ever known. "Therefore," said he, "if it be not too troublesome, sir, your + history, if you please."</p> + <p>The gentleman answered, he could not refuse him what he had so much right to + insist on; and after some of the common apologies, which are the usual preface to a + story, he thus began.</p> + <p class="footnote"><a id="footnote1" name="footnote1"></a> <strong>Footnote + 1</strong>: The author hath by some been represented to have made a blunder here: for + Adams had indeed shown some learning (say they), perhaps all the author had; but the + gentleman hath shown none, unless his approbation of Mr Adams be such: but surely it + would be preposterous in him to call it so. I have, however, notwithstanding this + criticism, which I am told came from the mouth of a great orator in a public + coffee-house, left this blunder as it stood in the first edition. I will not have the + vanity to apply to anything in this work the observation which M. Dacier makes in her + preface to her Aristophanes: <em>Je tiens pour une maxime constante, qu'une beauté + mediocré plait plus généralement qu'une beauté sans défaut.</em> Mr Congreve hath made + such another blunder in his Love for Love, where Tattle tells Miss Prue, "She should + admire him as much for the beauty he commends in her as if he himself was possessed + of it." <a href="#footnote1tag">(return)</a></p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter3" name="book3chapter3">CHAPTER III.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>In which the gentleman relates the history of his + life.</em></p> + <p class="figure"><a id="figure1" name="figure1"></a> <img src="images/figure1.png" + width="100%" alt="" /><br /> + Mr. Wilson relates his history.</p> + <p>Sir, I am descended of a good family, and was born a gentleman. My education was + liberal, and at a public school, in which I proceeded so far as to become master of + the Latin, and to be tolerably versed in the Greek language. My father died when I + was sixteen, and left me master of myself. He bequeathed me a moderate fortune, which + he intended I should not receive till I attained the age of twenty-five: for he + constantly asserted that was full early enough to give up any man entirely to the + guidance of his own discretion. However, as this intention was so obscurely worded in + his will that the lawyers advised me to contest the point with my trustees, I own I + paid so little regard to the inclinations of my dead father, which were sufficiently + certain to me, that I followed their advice, and soon succeeded, for the trustees did + not contest the matter very obstinately on their side. "Sir," said Adams, "may I + crave the favour of your name?" The gentleman answered his name was Wilson, and then + proceeded.</p> + <p>I stayed a very little while at school after his death; for, being a forward + youth, I was extremely impatient to be in the world, for which I thought my parts, + knowledge, and manhood thoroughly qualified me. And to this early introduction into + life, without a guide, I impute all my future misfortunes; for, besides the obvious + mischiefs which attend this, there is one which hath not been so generally observed: + the first impression which mankind receives of you will be very difficult to + eradicate. How unhappy, therefore, must it be to fix your character in life, before + you can possibly know its value, or weigh the consequences of those actions which are + to establish your future reputation!</p> + <p>A little under seventeen I left my school, and went to London with no more than + six pounds in my pocket; a great sum, as I then conceived; and which I was afterwards + surprized to find so soon consumed.</p> + <p>The character I was ambitious of attaining was that of a fine gentleman; the first + requisites to which I apprehended were to be supplied by a taylor, a periwig-maker, + and some few more tradesmen, who deal in furnishing out the human body. + Notwithstanding the lowness of my purse, I found credit with them more easily than I + expected, and was soon equipped to my wish. This I own then agreeably surprized me; + but I have since learned that it is a maxim among many tradesmen at the polite end of + the town to deal as largely as they can, reckon as high as they can, and arrest as + soon as they can.</p> + <p>The next qualifications, namely, dancing, fencing, riding the great horse, and + music, came into my head: but, as they required expense and time, I comforted myself, + with regard to dancing, that I had learned a little in my youth, and could walk a + minuet genteelly enough; as to fencing, I thought my good-humour would preserve me + from the danger of a quarrel; as to the horse, I hoped it would not be thought of; + and for music, I imagined I could easily acquire the reputation of it; for I had + heard some of my schoolfellows pretend to knowledge in operas, without being able to + sing or play on the fiddle.</p> + <p>Knowledge of the town seemed another ingredient; this I thought I should arrive at + by frequenting public places. Accordingly I paid constant attendance to them all; by + which means I was soon master of the fashionable phrases, learned to cry up the + fashionable diversions, and knew the names and faces of the most fashionable men and + women.</p> + <p>Nothing now seemed to remain but an intrigue, which I was resolved to have + immediately; I mean the reputation of it; and indeed I was so successful, that in a + very short time I had half-a-dozen with the finest women in town.</p> + <p>At these words Adams fetched a deep groan, and then, blessing himself, cried out, + "Good Lord! what wicked times these are!"</p> + <p>Not so wicked as you imagine, continued the gentleman; for I assure you they were + all vestal virgins for anything which I knew to the contrary. The reputation of + intriguing with them was all I sought, and was what I arrived at: and perhaps I only + flattered myself even in that; for very probably the persons to whom I showed their + billets knew as well as I that they were counterfeits, and that I had written them to + myself. "Write letters to yourself!" said Adams, staring. O sir, answered the + gentleman, it is the very error of the times. Half our modern plays have one of these + characters in them. It is incredible the pains I have taken, and the absurd methods I + employed, to traduce the character of women of distinction. When another had spoken + in raptures of any one, I have answered, "D—n her, she! We shall have her at + H——d's very soon." When he hath replied, "He thought her virtuous," I + have answered, "Ay, thou wilt always think a woman virtuous, till she is in the + streets; but you and I, Jack or Tom (turning to another in company), know better." At + which I have drawn a paper out of my pocket, perhaps a taylor's bill, and kissed it, + crying at the same time, "By Gad I was once fond of her."</p> + <p>"Proceed, if you please, but do not swear any more," said Adams.</p> + <p>Sir, said the gentleman, I ask your pardon. Well, sir, in this course of life I + continued full three years.—"What course of life?" answered Adams; "I do not + remember you have mentioned any."—Your remark is just, said the gentleman, + smiling; I should rather have said, in this course of doing nothing. I remember some + time afterwards I wrote the journal of one day, which would serve, I believe, as well + for any other during the whole time. I will endeavour to repeat it to you.</p> + <p>In the morning I arose, took my great stick, and walked out in my green frock, + with my hair in papers (a groan from Adams), and sauntered about till ten. Went to + the auction; told lady —— she had a dirty face; laughed heartily at + something captain —— said, I can't remember what, for I did not very well + hear it; whispered lord ——; bowed to the duke of ——; and was + going to bid for a snuff-box, but did not, for fear I should have had it.</p> + <blockquote> + From 2 to 4, drest myself. <em>A groan.</em><br /> + 4 to 6, dined. <em>A groan.</em><br /> + 6 to 8, coffee-house.<br /> + 8 to 9, Drury-lane playhouse.<br /> + 9 to 10, Lincoln's Inn Fields.<br /> + 10 to 12, Drawing-room. <em>A great groan.</em> + </blockquote> + <p>At all which places nothing happened worth remark.</p> + <p>At which Adams said, with some vehemence, "Sir, this is below the life of an + animal, hardly above vegetation: and I am surprized what could lead a man of your + sense into it." What leads us into more follies than you imagine, doctor, answered + the gentleman—vanity; for as contemptible a creature as I was, and I assure + you, yourself cannot have more contempt for such a wretch than I now have, I then + admired myself, and should have despised a person of your present appearance (you + will pardon me), with all your learning and those excellent qualities which I have + remarked in you. Adams bowed, and begged him to proceed. After I had continued two + years in this course of life, said the gentleman, an accident happened which obliged + me to change the scene. As I was one day at St James's coffee-house, making very free + with the character of a young lady of quality, an officer of the guards, who was + present, thought proper to give me the lye. I answered I might possibly be mistaken, + but I intended to tell no more than the truth. To which he made no reply but by a + scornful sneer. After this I observed a strange coldness in all my acquaintance; none + of them spoke to me first, and very few returned me even the civility of a bow. The + company I used to dine with left me out, and within a week I found myself in as much + solitude at St James's as if I had been in a desart. An honest elderly man, with a + great hat and long sword, at last told me he had a compassion for my youth, and + therefore advised me to show the world I was not such a rascal as they thought me to + be. I did not at first understand him; but he explained himself, and ended with + telling me, if I would write a challenge to the captain, he would, out of pure + charity, go to him with it. "A very charitable person, truly!" cried Adams. I desired + till the next day, continued the gentleman, to consider on it, and, retiring to my + lodgings, I weighed the consequences on both sides as fairly as I could. On the one, + I saw the risk of this alternative, either losing my own life, or having on my hands + the blood of a man with whom I was not in the least angry. I soon determined that the + good which appeared on the other was not worth this hazard. I therefore resolved to + quit the scene, and presently retired to the Temple, where I took chambers. Here I + soon got a fresh set of acquaintance, who knew nothing of what had happened to me. + Indeed, they were not greatly to my approbation; for the beaus of the Temple are only + the shadows of the others. They are the affectation of affectation. The vanity of + these is still more ridiculous, if possible, than of the others. Here I met with + smart fellows who drank with lords they did not know, and intrigued with women they + never saw. Covent Garden was now the farthest stretch of my ambition; where I shone + forth in the balconies at the playhouses, visited whores, made love to + orange-wenches, and damned plays. This career was soon put a stop to by my surgeon, + who convinced me of the necessity of confining myself to my room for a month. At the + end of which, having had leisure to reflect, I resolved to quit all farther + conversation with beaus and smarts of every kind, and to avoid, if possible, any + occasion of returning to this place of confinement. "I think," said Adams, "the + advice of a month's retirement and reflection was very proper; but I should rather + have expected it from a divine than a surgeon." The gentleman smiled at Adams's + simplicity, and, without explaining himself farther on such an odious subject, went + on thus: I was no sooner perfectly restored to health than I found my passion for + women, which I was afraid to satisfy as I had done, made me very uneasy; I + determined, therefore, to keep a mistress. Nor was I long before I fixed my choice on + a young woman, who had before been kept by two gentlemen, and to whom I was + recommended by a celebrated bawd. I took her home to my chambers, and made her a + settlement during cohabitation. This would, perhaps, have been very ill paid: + however, she did not suffer me to be perplexed on that account; for, before + quarter-day, I found her at my chambers in too familiar conversation with a young + fellow who was drest like an officer, but was indeed a city apprentice. Instead of + excusing her inconstancy, she rapped out half-a-dozen oaths, and, snapping her + fingers at me, swore she scorned to confine herself to the best man in England. Upon + this we parted, and the same bawd presently provided her another keeper. I was not so + much concerned at our separation as I found, within a day or two, I had reason to be + for our meeting; for I was obliged to pay a second visit to my surgeon. I was now + forced to do penance for some weeks, during which time I contracted an acquaintance + with a beautiful young girl, the daughter of a gentleman who, after having been forty + years in the army, and in all the campaigns under the Duke of Marlborough, died a + lieutenant on half-pay, and had left a widow, with this only child, in very distrest + circumstances: they had only a small pension from the government, with what little + the daughter could add to it by her work, for she had great excellence at her needle. + This girl was, at my first acquaintance with her, solicited in marriage by a young + fellow in good circumstances. He was apprentice to a linendraper, and had a little + fortune, sufficient to set up his trade. The mother was greatly pleased with this + match, as indeed she had sufficient reason. However, I soon prevented it. I + represented him in so low a light to his mistress, and made so good an use of + flattery, promises, and presents, that, not to dwell longer on this subject than is + necessary, I prevailed with the poor girl, and conveyed her away from her mother! In + a word, I debauched her.—(At which words Adams started up, fetched three + strides across the room, and then replaced himself in his chair.) You are not more + affected with this part of my story than myself; I assure you it will never be + sufficiently repented of in my own opinion: but, if you already detest it, how much + more will your indignation be raised when you hear the fatal consequences of this + barbarous, this villanous action! If you please, therefore, I will here + desist.—"By no means," cries Adams; "go on, I beseech you; and Heaven grant you + may sincerely repent of this and many other things you have related!"—I was + now, continued the gentleman, as happy as the possession of a fine young creature, + who had a good education, and was endued with many agreeable qualities, could make + me. We lived some months with vast fondness together, without any company or + conversation, more than we found in one another: but this could not continue always; + and, though I still preserved great affection for her, I began more and more to want + the relief of other company, and consequently to leave her by degrees—at last + whole days to herself. She failed not to testify some uneasiness on these occasions, + and complained of the melancholy life she led; to remedy which, I introduced her into + the acquaintance of some other kept mistresses, with whom she used to play at cards, + and frequent plays and other diversions. She had not lived long in this intimacy + before I perceived a visible alteration in her behaviour; all her modesty and + innocence vanished by degrees, till her mind became thoroughly tainted. She affected + the company of rakes, gave herself all manner of airs, was never easy but abroad, or + when she had a party at my chambers. She was rapacious of money, extravagant to + excess, loose in her conversation; and, if ever I demurred to any of her demands, + oaths, tears, and fits were the immediate consequences. As the first raptures of + fondness were long since over, this behaviour soon estranged my affections from her; + I began to reflect with pleasure that she was not my wife, and to conceive an + intention of parting with her; of which, having given her a hint, she took care to + prevent me the pains of turning her out of doors, and accordingly departed herself, + having first broken open my escrutore, and taken with her all she could find, to the + amount of about £200. In the first heat of my resentment I resolved to pursue her + with all the vengeance of the law: but, as she had the good luck to escape me during + that ferment, my passion afterwards cooled; and, having reflected that I had been the + first aggressor, and had done her an injury for which I could make her no reparation, + by robbing her of the innocence of her mind; and hearing at the same time that the + poor old woman her mother had broke her heart on her daughter's elopement from her, + I, concluding myself her murderer ("As you very well might," cries Adams, with a + groan), was pleased that God Almighty had taken this method of punishing me, and + resolved quietly to submit to the loss. Indeed, I could wish I had never heard more + of the poor creature, who became in the end an abandoned profligate; and, after being + some years a common prostitute, at last ended her miserable life in + Newgate.—Here the gentleman fetched a deep sigh, which Mr Adams echoed very + loudly; and both continued silent, looking on each other for some minutes. At last + the gentleman proceeded thus: I had been perfectly constant to this girl during the + whole time I kept her: but she had scarce departed before I discovered more marks of + her infidelity to me than the loss of my money. In short, I was forced to make a + third visit to my surgeon, out of whose hands I did not get a hasty discharge.</p> + <p>I now forswore all future dealings with the sex, complained loudly that the + pleasure did not compensate the pain, and railed at the beautiful creatures in as + gross language as Juvenal himself formerly reviled them in. I looked on all the town + harlots with a detestation not easy to be conceived, their persons appeared to me as + painted palaces, inhabited by Disease and Death: nor could their beauty make them + more desirable objects in my eyes than gilding could make me covet a pill, or golden + plates a coffin. But though I was no longer the absolute slave, I found some reasons + to own myself still the subject, of love. My hatred for women decreased daily; and I + am not positive but time might have betrayed me again to some common harlot, had I + not been secured by a passion for the charming Sapphira, which, having once entered + upon, made a violent progress in my heart. Sapphira was wife to a man of fashion and + gallantry, and one who seemed, I own, every way worthy of her affections; which, + however, he had not the reputation of having. She was indeed a coquette + <em>achevée</em>. "Pray, sir," says Adams, "what is a coquette? I have met with the + word in French authors, but never could assign any idea to it. I believe it is the + same with <em>une sotte,</em> Anglicè, a fool." Sir, answered the gentleman, perhaps + you are not much mistaken; but, as it is a particular kind of folly, I will endeavour + to describe it. Were all creatures to be ranked in the order of creation according to + their usefulness, I know few animals that would not take place of a coquette; nor + indeed hath this creature much pretence to anything beyond instinct; for, though + sometimes we might imagine it was animated by the passion of vanity, yet far the + greater part of its actions fall beneath even that low motive; for instance, several + absurd gestures and tricks, infinitely more foolish than what can be observed in the + most ridiculous birds and beasts, and which would persuade the beholder that the + silly wretch was aiming at our contempt. Indeed its characteristic is affectation, + and this led and governed by whim only: for as beauty, wisdom, wit, good-nature, + politeness, and health are sometimes affected by this creature, so are ugliness, + folly, nonsense, ill-nature, ill-breeding, and sickness likewise put on by it in + their turn. Its life is one constant lie; and the only rule by which you can form any + judgment of them is, that they are never what they seem. If it was possible for a + coquette to love (as it is not, for if ever it attains this passion the coquette + ceases instantly), it would wear the face of indifference, if not of hatred, to the + beloved object; you may therefore be assured, when they endeavour to persuade you of + their liking, that they are indifferent to you at least. And indeed this was the case + of my Sapphira, who no sooner saw me in the number of her admirers than she gave me + what is commonly called encouragement: she would often look at me, and, when she + perceived me meet her eyes, would instantly take them off, discovering at the same + time as much surprize and emotion as possible. These arts failed not of the success + she intended; and, as I grew more particular to her than the rest of her admirers, + she advanced, in proportion, more directly to me than to the others. She affected the + low voice, whisper, lisp, sigh, start, laugh, and many other indications of passion + which daily deceive thousands. When I played at whist with her, she would look + earnestly at me, and at the same time lose deal or revoke; then burst into a + ridiculous laugh and cry, "La! I can't imagine what I was thinking of." To detain you + no longer, after I had gone through a sufficient course of gallantry, as I thought, + and was thoroughly convinced I had raised a violent passion in my mistress, I sought + an opportunity of coming to an eclaircissement with her. She avoided this as much as + possible; however, great assiduity at length presented me one. I will not describe + all the particulars of this interview; let it suffice that, when she could no longer + pretend not to see my drift, she first affected a violent surprize, and immediately + after as violent a passion: she wondered what I had seen in her conduct which could + induce me to affront her in this manner; and, breaking from me the first moment she + could, told me I had no other way to escape the consequence of her resentment than by + never seeing, or at least speaking to her more. I was not contented with this answer; + I still pursued her, but to no purpose; and was at length convinced that her husband + had the sole possession of her person, and that neither he nor any other had made any + impression on her heart. I was taken off from following this <em>ignis fatuus</em> by + some advances which were made me by the wife of a citizen, who, though neither very + young nor handsome, was yet too agreeable to be rejected by my amorous constitution. + I accordingly soon satisfied her that she had not cast away her hints on a barren or + cold soil: on the contrary, they instantly produced her an eager and desiring lover. + Nor did she give me any reason to complain; she met the warmth she had raised with + equal ardour. I had no longer a coquette to deal with, but one who was wiser than to + prostitute the noble passion of love to the ridiculous lust of vanity. We presently + understood one another; and, as the pleasures we sought lay in a mutual + gratification, we soon found and enjoyed them. I thought myself at first greatly + happy in the possession of this new mistress, whose fondness would have quickly + surfeited a more sickly appetite; but it had a different effect on mine: she carried + my passion higher by it than youth or beauty had been able. But my happiness could + not long continue uninterrupted. The apprehensions we lay under from the jealousy of + her husband gave us great uneasiness. "Poor wretch! I pity him," cried Adams. He did + indeed deserve it, said the gentleman; for he loved his wife with great tenderness; + and, I assure you, it is a great satisfaction to me that I was not the man who first + seduced her affections from him. These apprehensions appeared also too well grounded, + for in the end he discovered us, and procured witnesses of our caresses. He then + prosecuted me at law, and recovered £3000 damages, which much distressed my fortune + to pay; and, what was worse, his wife, being divorced, came upon my hands. I led a + very uneasy life with her; for, besides that my passion was now much abated, her + excessive jealousy was very troublesome. At length death rid me of an inconvenience + which the consideration of my having been the author of her misfortunes would never + suffer me to take any other method of discarding.</p> + <p>I now bad adieu to love, and resolved to pursue other less dangerous and expensive + pleasures. I fell into the acquaintance of a set of jolly companions, who slept all + day and drank all night; fellows who might rather be said to consume time than to + live. Their best conversation was nothing but noise: singing, hollowing, wrangling, + drinking, toasting, sp—wing, smoaking were the chief ingredients of our + entertainment. And yet, bad as these were, they were more tolerable than our graver + scenes, which were either excessive tedious narratives of dull common matters of + fact, or hot disputes about trifling matters, which commonly ended in a wager. This + way of life the first serious reflection put a period to; and I became member of a + club frequented by young men of great abilities. The bottle was now only called in to + the assistance of our conversation, which rolled on the deepest points of philosophy. + These gentlemen were engaged in a search after truth, in the pursuit of which they + threw aside all the prejudices of education, and governed themselves only by the + infallible guide of human reason. This great guide, after having shown them the + falsehood of that very ancient but simple tenet, that there is such a being as a + Deity in the universe, helped them to establish in his stead a certain rule of right, + by adhering to which they all arrived at the utmost purity of morals. Reflection made + me as much delighted with this society as it had taught me to despise and detest the + former. I began now to esteem myself a being of a higher order than I had ever before + conceived; and was the more charmed with this rule of right, as I really found in my + own nature nothing repugnant to it. I held in utter contempt all persons who wanted + any other inducement to virtue besides her intrinsic beauty and excellence; and had + so high an opinion of my present companions, with regard to their morality, that I + would have trusted them with whatever was nearest and dearest to me. Whilst I was + engaged in this delightful dream, two or three accidents happened successively, which + at first much surprized me;—for one of our greatest philosophers, or + rule-of-right men, withdrew himself from us, taking with him the wife of one of his + most intimate friends. Secondly, another of the same society left the club without + remembering to take leave of his bail. A third, having borrowed a sum of money of me, + for which I received no security, when I asked him to repay it, absolutely denied the + loan. These several practices, so inconsistent with our golden rule, made me begin to + suspect its infallibility; but when I communicated my thoughts to one of the club, he + said, "There was nothing absolutely good or evil in itself; that actions were + denominated good or bad by the circumstances of the agent. That possibly the man who + ran away with his neighbour's wife might be one of very good inclinations, but + over-prevailed on by the violence of an unruly passion; and, in other particulars, + might be a very worthy member of society; that if the beauty of any woman created in + him an uneasiness, he had a right from nature to relieve himself;"—with many + other things, which I then detested so much, that I took leave of the society that + very evening and never returned to it again. Being now reduced to a state of solitude + which I did not like, I became a great frequenter of the playhouses, which indeed was + always my favourite diversion; and most evenings passed away two or three hours + behind the scenes, where I met with several poets, with whom I made engagements at + the taverns. Some of the players were likewise of our parties. At these meetings we + were generally entertained by the poets with reading their performances, and by the + players with repeating their parts: upon which occasions, I observed the gentleman + who furnished our entertainment was commonly the best pleased of the company; who, + though they were pretty civil to him to his face, seldom failed to take the first + opportunity of his absence to ridicule him. Now I made some remarks which probably + are too obvious to be worth relating. "Sir," says Adams, "your remarks if you + please." First then, says he, I concluded that the general observation, that wits are + most inclined to vanity, is not true. Men are equally vain of riches, strength, + beauty, honours, &c. But these appear of themselves to the eyes of the beholders, + whereas the poor wit is obliged to produce his performance to show you his + perfection; and on his readiness to do this that vulgar opinion I have before + mentioned is grounded; but doth not the person who expends vast sums in the furniture + of his house or the ornaments of his person, who consumes much time and employs great + pains in dressing himself, or who thinks himself paid for self-denial, labour, or + even villany, by a title or a ribbon, sacrifice as much to vanity as the poor wit who + is desirous to read you his poem or his play? My second remark was, that vanity is + the worst of passions, and more apt to contaminate the mind than any other: for, as + selfishness is much more general than we please to allow it, so it is natural to hate + and envy those who stand between us and the good we desire. Now, in lust and ambition + these are few; and even in avarice we find many who are no obstacles to our pursuits; + but the vain man seeks pre-eminence; and everything which is excellent or + praiseworthy in another renders him the mark of his antipathy. Adams now began to + fumble in his pockets, and soon cried out, "O la! I have it not about me." Upon this, + the gentleman asking him what he was searching for, he said he searched after a + sermon, which he thought his masterpiece, against vanity. "Fie upon it, fie upon it!" + cries he, "why do I ever leave that sermon out of my pocket? I wish it was within + five miles; I would willingly fetch it, to read it you." The gentleman answered that + there was no need, for he was cured of the passion. "And for that very reason," quoth + Adams, "I would read it, for I am confident you would admire it: indeed, I have never + been a greater enemy to any passion than that silly one of vanity." The gentleman + smiled, and proceeded—From this society I easily passed to that of the + gamesters, where nothing remarkable happened but the finishing my fortune, which + those gentlemen soon helped me to the end of. This opened scenes of life hitherto + unknown; poverty and distress, with their horrid train of duns, attorneys, bailiffs, + haunted me day and night. My clothes grew shabby, my credit bad, my friends and + acquaintance of all kinds cold. In this situation the strangest thought imaginable + came into my head; and what was this but to write a play? for I had sufficient + leisure: fear of bailiffs confined me every day to my room: and, having always had a + little inclination and something of a genius that way, I set myself to work, and + within a few months produced a piece of five acts, which was accepted of at the + theatre. I remembered to have formerly taken tickets of other poets for their + benefits, long before the appearance of their performances; and, resolving to follow + a precedent which was so well suited to my present circumstances, I immediately + provided myself with a large number of little papers. Happy indeed would be the state + of poetry, would these tickets pass current at the bakehouse, the ale-house, and the + chandler's shop: but alas! far otherwise; no taylor will take them in payment for + buckram, canvas, stay-tape; nor no bailiff for civility money. They are, indeed, no + more than a passport to beg with; a certificate that the owner wants five shillings, + which induces well-disposed Christians to charity. I now experienced what is worse + than poverty, or rather what is the worst consequence of poverty—I mean + attendance and dependance on the great. Many a morning have I waited hours in the + cold parlours of men of quality; where, after seeing the lowest rascals in lace and + embroidery, the pimps and buffoons in fashion, admitted, I have been sometimes told, + on sending in my name, that my lord could not possibly see me this morning; a + sufficient assurance that I should never more get entrance into that house. Sometimes + I have been at last admitted; and the great man hath thought proper to excuse + himself, by telling me he was tied up. "Tied up," says Adams, "pray what's that?" + Sir, says the gentleman, the profit which booksellers allowed authors for the best + works was so very small, that certain men of birth and fortune some years ago, who + were the patrons of wit and learning, thought fit to encourage them farther by + entering into voluntary subscriptions for their encouragement. Thus Prior, Rowe, + Pope, and some other men of genius, received large sums for their labours from the + public. This seemed so easy a method of getting money, that many of the lowest + scribblers of the times ventured to publish their works in the same way; and many had + the assurance to take in subscriptions for what was not writ, nor ever intended. + Subscriptions in this manner growing infinite, and a kind of tax on the publick, some + persons, finding it not so easy a task to discern good from bad authors, or to know + what genius was worthy encouragement and what was not, to prevent the expense of + subscribing to so many, invented a method to excuse themselves from all subscriptions + whatever; and this was to receive a small sum of money in consideration of giving a + large one if ever they subscribed; which many have done, and many more have pretended + to have done, in order to silence all solicitation. The same method was likewise + taken with playhouse tickets, which were no less a public grievance; and this is what + they call being tied up from subscribing. "I can't say but the term is apt enough, + and somewhat typical," said Adams; "for a man of large fortune, who ties himself up, + as you call it, from the encouragement of men of merit, ought to be tied up in + reality." Well, sir, says the gentleman, to return to my story. Sometimes I have + received a guinea from a man of quality, given with as ill a grace as alms are + generally to the meanest beggar; and purchased too with as much time spent in + attendance as, if it had been spent in honest industry, might have brought me more + profit with infinitely more satisfaction. After about two months spent in this + disagreeable way, with the utmost mortification, when I was pluming my hopes on the + prospect of a plentiful harvest from my play, upon applying to the prompter to know + when it came into rehearsal, he informed me he had received orders from the managers + to return me the play again, for that they could not possibly act it that season; + but, if I would take it and revise it against the next, they would be glad to see it + again. I snatched it from him with great indignation, and retired to my room, where I + threw myself on the bed in a fit of despair. "You should rather have thrown yourself + on your knees," says Adams, "for despair is sinful." As soon, continued the + gentleman, as I had indulged the first tumult of my passion, I began to consider + coolly what course I should take, in a situation without friends, money, credit, or + reputation of any kind. After revolving many things in my mind, I could see no other + possibility of furnishing myself with the miserable necessaries of life than to + retire to a garret near the Temple, and commence hackney-writer to the lawyers, for + which I was well qualified, being an excellent penman. This purpose I resolved on, + and immediately put it in execution. I had an acquaintance with an attorney who had + formerly transacted affairs for me, and to him I applied; but, instead of furnishing + me with any business, he laughed at my undertaking, and told me, "He was afraid I + should turn his deeds into plays, and he should expect to see them on the stage." Not + to tire you with instances of this kind from others, I found that Plato himself did + not hold poets in greater abhorrence than these men of business do. Whenever I durst + venture to a coffeehouse, which was on Sundays only, a whisper ran round the room, + which was constantly attended with a sneer—That's poet Wilson; for I know not + whether you have observed it, but there is a malignity in the nature of man, which, + when not weeded out, or at least covered by a good education and politeness, delights + in making another uneasy or dissatisfied with himself. This abundantly appears in all + assemblies, except those which are filled by people of fashion, and especially among + the younger people of both sexes whose birth and fortunes place them just without the + polite circles; I mean the lower class of the gentry, and the higher of the + mercantile world, who are, in reality, the worst-bred part of mankind. Well, sir, + whilst I continued in this miserable state, with scarce sufficient business to keep + me from starving, the reputation of a poet being my bane, I accidentally became + acquainted with a bookseller, who told me, "It was a pity a man of my learning and + genius should be obliged to such a method of getting his livelihood; that he had a + compassion for me, and, if I would engage with him, he would undertake to provide + handsomely for me." A man in my circumstances, as he very well knew, had no choice. I + accordingly accepted his proposal with his conditions, which were none of the most + favourable, and fell to translating with all my might. I had no longer reason to + lament the want of business; for he furnished me with so much, that in half a year I + almost writ myself blind. I likewise contracted a distemper by my sedentary life, in + which no part of my body was exercised but my right arm, which rendered me incapable + of writing for a long time. This unluckily happening to delay the publication of a + work, and my last performance not having sold well, the bookseller declined any + further engagement, and aspersed me to his brethren as a careless idle fellow. I had, + however, by having half worked and half starved myself to death during the time I was + in his service, saved a few guineas, with which I bought a lottery-ticket, resolving + to throw myself into Fortune's lap, and try if she would make me amends for the + injuries she had done me at the gaming-table. This purchase, being made, left me + almost pennyless; when, as if I had not been sufficiently miserable, a bailiff in + woman's clothes got admittance to my chamber, whither he was directed by the + bookseller. He arrested me at my taylor's suit for thirty-five pounds; a sum for + which I could not procure bail; and was therefore conveyed to his house, where I was + locked up in an upper chamber. I had now neither health (for I was scarce recovered + from my indisposition), liberty, money, or friends; and had abandoned all hopes, and + even the desire, of life. "But this could not last long," said Adams; "for doubtless + the taylor released you the moment he was truly acquainted with your affairs, and + knew that your circumstances would not permit you to pay him." "Oh, sir," answered + the gentleman, "he knew that before he arrested me; nay, he knew that nothing but + incapacity could prevent me paying my debts; for I had been his customer many years, + had spent vast sums of money with him, and had always paid most punctually in my + prosperous days; but when I reminded him of this, with assurances that, if he would + not molest my endeavours, I would pay him all the money I could by my utmost labour + and industry procure, reserving only what was sufficient to preserve me alive, he + answered, his patience was worn out; that I had put him off from time to time; that + he wanted the money; that he had put it into a lawyer's hands; and if I did not pay + him immediately, or find security, I must die in gaol and expect no mercy." "He may + expect mercy," cries Adams, starting from his chair, "where he will find none! How + can such a wretch repeat the Lord's Prayer; where the word, which is translated, I + know not for what reason, trespasses, is in the original, debts? And as surely as we + do not forgive others their debts, when they are unable to pay them, so surely shall + we ourselves be unforgiven when we are in no condition of paying." He ceased, and the + gentleman proceeded. While I was in this deplorable situation, a former acquaintance, + to whom I had communicated my lottery-ticket, found me out, and, making me a visit, + with great delight in his countenance, shook me heartily by the hand, and wished me + joy of my good fortune: for, says he, your ticket is come up a prize of £3000. + Adams snapped his fingers at these words in an ecstasy of joy; which, however, did + not continue long; for the gentleman thus proceeded:—Alas! sir, this was only a + trick of Fortune to sink me the deeper; for I had disposed of this lottery-ticket two + days before to a relation, who refused lending me a shilling without it, in order to + procure myself bread. As soon as my friend was acquainted with my unfortunate sale he + began to revile me and remind me of all the ill-conduct and miscarriages of my life. + He said I was one whom Fortune could not save if she would; that I was now ruined + without any hopes of retrieval, nor must expect any pity from my friends; that it + would be extreme weakness to compassionate the misfortunes of a man who ran headlong + to his own destruction. He then painted to me, in as lively colours as he was able, + the happiness I should have now enjoyed, had I not foolishly disposed of my ticket. I + urged the plea of necessity; but he made no answer to that, and began again to revile + me, till I could bear it no longer, and desired him to finish his visit. I soon + exchanged the bailiff's house for a prison; where, as I had not money sufficient to + procure me a separate apartment, I was crouded in with a great number of miserable + wretches, in common with whom I was destitute of every convenience of life, even that + which all the brutes enjoy, wholesome air. In these dreadful circumstances I applied + by letter to several of my old acquaintance, and such to whom I had formerly lent + money without any great prospect of its being returned, for their assistance; but in + vain. An excuse, instead of a denial, was the gentlest answer I received. Whilst I + languished in a condition too horrible to be described, and which, in a land of + humanity, and, what is much more, Christianity, seems a strange punishment for a + little inadvertency and indiscretion; whilst I was in this condition, a fellow came + into the prison, and, enquiring me out, delivered me the following letter:—</p> + <blockquote> + <p>"SIR,—My father, to whom you sold your ticket in the last lottery, died the + same day in which it came up a prize, as you have possibly heard, and left me sole + heiress of all his fortune. I am so much touched with your present circumstances, and + the uneasiness you must feel at having been driven to dispose of what might have made + you happy, that I must desire your acceptance of the enclosed, and am your humble + servant,</p> + <p>"HARRIET HEARTY."</p> + </blockquote> + <p>And what do you think was enclosed? "I don't know," cried Adams; "not less than a + guinea, I hope." Sir, it was a bank-note for £200.—"£200?" says + Adams, in a rapture. No less, I assure you, answered the gentleman; a sum I was not + half so delighted with as with the dear name of the generous girl that sent it me; + and who was not only the best but the handsomest creature in the universe, and for + whom I had long had a passion which I never durst disclose to her. I kissed her name + a thousand times, my eyes overflowing with tenderness and gratitude; I + repeated—But not to detain you with these raptures, I immediately acquired my + liberty; and, having paid all my debts, departed, with upwards of fifty pounds in my + pocket, to thank my kind deliverer. She happened to be then out of town, a + circumstance which, upon reflection, pleased me; for by that means I had an + opportunity to appear before her in a more decent dress. At her return to town, + within a day or two, I threw myself at her feet with the most ardent acknowledgments, + which she rejected with an unfeigned greatness of mind, and told me I could not + oblige her more than by never mentioning, or if possible thinking on, a circumstance + which must bring to my mind an accident that might be grievous to me to think on. She + proceeded thus: "What I have done is in my own eyes a trifle, and perhaps infinitely + less than would have become me to do. And if you think of engaging in any business + where a larger sum may be serviceable to you, I shall not be over-rigid either as to + the security or interest." I endeavoured to express all the gratitude in my power to + this profusion of goodness, though perhaps it was my enemy, and began to afflict my + mind with more agonies than all the miseries I had underwent; it affected me with + severer reflections than poverty, distress, and prisons united had been able to make + me feel; for, sir, these acts and professions of kindness, which were sufficient to + have raised in a good heart the most violent passion of friendship to one of the + same, or to age and ugliness in a different sex, came to me from a woman, a young and + beautiful woman; one whose perfections I had long known, and for whom I had long + conceived a violent passion, though with a despair which made me endeavour rather to + curb and conceal, than to nourish or acquaint her with it. In short, they came upon + me united with beauty, softness, and tenderness: such bewitching smiles!—O Mr + Adams, in that moment I lost myself, and, forgetting our different situations, nor + considering what return I was making to her goodness by desiring her, who had given + me so much, to bestow her all, I laid gently hold on her hand, and, conveying it to + my lips, I prest it with inconceivable ardour; then, lifting up my swimming eyes, I + saw her face and neck overspread with one blush; she offered to withdraw her hand, + yet not so as to deliver it from mine, though I held it with the gentlest force. We + both stood trembling; her eyes cast on the ground, and mine stedfastly fixed on her. + Good G—d, what was then the condition of my soul! burning with love, desire, + admiration, gratitude, and every tender passion, all bent on one charming object. + Passion at last got the better of both reason and respect, and, softly letting go her + hand, I offered madly to clasp her in my arms; when, a little recovering herself, she + started from me, asking me, with some show of anger, "If she had any reason to expect + this treatment from me." I then fell prostrate before her, and told her, if I had + offended, my life was absolutely in her power, which I would in any manner lose for + her sake. Nay, madam, said I, you shall not be so ready to punish me as I to suffer. + I own my guilt. I detest the reflection that I would have sacrificed your happiness + to mine. Believe me, I sincerely repent my ingratitude; yet, believe me too, it was + my passion, my unbounded passion for you, which hurried me so far: I have loved you + long and tenderly, and the goodness you have shown me hath innocently weighed down a + wretch undone before. Acquit me of all mean, mercenary views; and, before I take my + leave of you for ever, which I am resolved instantly to do, believe me that Fortune + could have raised me to no height to which I could not have gladly lifted you. O, + curst be Fortune!—"Do not," says she, interrupting me with the sweetest voice, + "do not curse Fortune, since she hath made me happy; and, if she hath put your + happiness in my power, I have told you you shall ask nothing in reason which I will + refuse." Madam, said I, you mistake me if you imagine, as you seem, my happiness is + in the power of Fortune now. You have obliged me too much already; if I have any + wish, it is for some blest accident, by which I may contribute with my life to the + least augmentation of your felicity. As for myself, the only happiness I can ever + have will be hearing of yours; and if Fortune will make that complete, I will forgive + her all her wrongs to me. "You may, indeed," answered she, smiling, "for your own + happiness must be included in mine. I have long known your worth; nay, I must + confess," said she, blushing, "I have long discovered that passion for me you + profess, notwithstanding those endeavours, which I am convinced were unaffected, to + conceal it; and if all I can give with reason will not suffice, take reason away; and + now I believe you cannot ask me what I will deny."—She uttered these words with + a sweetness not to be imagined. I immediately started; my blood, which lay freezing + at my heart, rushed tumultuously through every vein. I stood for a moment silent; + then, flying to her, I caught her in my arms, no longer resisting, and softly told + her she must give me then herself. O, sir! can I describe her look? She remained + silent, and almost motionless, several minutes. At last, recovering herself a little, + she insisted on my leaving her, and in such a manner that I instantly obeyed: you may + imagine, however, I soon saw her again.—But I ask pardon: I fear I have + detained you too long in relating the particulars of the former interview. "So far + otherwise," said Adams, licking his lips, "that I could willingly hear it over + again." Well, sir, continued the gentleman, to be as concise as possible, within a + week she consented to make me the happiest of mankind. We were married shortly after; + and when I came to examine the circumstances of my wife's fortune (which, I do assure + you, I was not presently at leisure enough to do), I found it amounted to about six + thousand pounds, most part of which lay in effects; for her father had been a + wine-merchant, and she seemed willing, if I liked it, that I should carry on the same + trade. I readily, and too inconsiderately, undertook it; for, not having been bred up + to the secrets of the business, and endeavouring to deal with the utmost honesty and + uprightness, I soon found our fortune in a declining way, and my trade decreasing by + little and little; for my wines, which I never adulterated after their importation, + and were sold as neat as they came over, were universally decried by the vintners, to + whom I could not allow them quite as cheap as those who gained double the profit by a + less price. I soon began to despair of improving our fortune by these means; nor was + I at all easy at the visits and familiarity of many who had been my acquaintance in + my prosperity, but had denied and shunned me in my adversity, and now very forwardly + renewed their acquaintance with me. In short, I had sufficiently seen that the + pleasures of the world are chiefly folly, and the business of it mostly knavery, and + both nothing better than vanity; the men of pleasure tearing one another to pieces + from the emulation of spending money, and the men of business from envy in getting + it. My happiness consisted entirely in my wife, whom I loved with an inexpressible + fondness, which was perfectly returned; and my prospects were no other than to + provide for our growing family; for she was now big of her second child: I therefore + took an opportunity to ask her opinion of entering into a retired life, which, after + hearing my reasons and perceiving my affection for it, she readily embraced. We soon + put our small fortune, now reduced under three thousand pounds, into money, with part + of which we purchased this little place, whither we retired soon after her delivery, + from a world full of bustle, noise, hatred, envy, and ingratitude, to ease, quiet, + and love. We have here lived almost twenty years, with little other conversation than + our own, most of the neighbourhood taking us for very strange people; the squire of + the parish representing me as a madman, and the parson as a presbyterian, because I + will not hunt with the one nor drink with the other. "Sir," says Adams, "Fortune + hath, I think, paid you all her debts in this sweet retirement." Sir, replied the + gentleman, I am thankful to the great Author of all things for the blessings I here + enjoy. I have the best of wives, and three pretty children, for whom I have the true + tenderness of a parent. But no blessings are pure in this world: within three years + of my arrival here I lost my eldest son. (Here he sighed bitterly.) "Sir," says + Adams, "we must submit to Providence, and consider death as common to all." We must + submit, indeed, answered the gentleman; and if he had died I could have borne the + loss with patience; but alas! sir, he was stolen away from my door by some wicked + travelling people whom they call gipsies; nor could I ever, with the most diligent + search, recover him. Poor child! he had the sweetest look—the exact picture of + his mother; at which some tears unwittingly dropt from his eyes, as did likewise from + those of Adams, who always sympathized with his friends on those occasions. Thus, + sir, said the gentleman, I have finished my story, in which if I have been too + particular, I ask your pardon; and now, if you please, I will fetch you another + bottle: which proposal the parson thankfully accepted.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter4" name="book3chapter4">CHAPTER IV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A description of Mr Wilson's way of living. The tragical + adventure of the dog, and other grave matters.</em></p> + <p>The gentleman returned with the bottle; and Adams and he sat some time silent, + when the former started up, and cried, "No, that won't do." The gentleman inquired + into his meaning; he answered, "He had been considering that it was possible the late + famous king Theodore might have been that very son whom he had lost;" but added, + "that his age could not answer that imagination. However," says he, "G— + disposes all things for the best; and very probably he may be some great man, or + duke, and may, one day or other, revisit you in that capacity." The gentleman + answered, he should know him amongst ten thousand, for he had a mark on his left + breast of a strawberry, which his mother had given him by longing for that fruit.</p> + <p>That beautiful young lady the Morning now rose from her bed, and with a + countenance blooming with fresh youth and sprightliness, like Miss —— <a + id="footnote2tag" name="footnote2tag"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a>, with + soft dews hanging on her pouting lips, began to take her early walk over the eastern + hills; and presently after, that gallant person the Sun stole softly from his wife's + chamber to pay his addresses to her; when the gentleman asked his guest if he would + walk forth and survey his little garden, which he readily agreed to, and Joseph at + the same time awaking from a sleep in which he had been two hours buried, went with + them. No parterres, no fountains, no statues, embellished this little garden. Its + only ornament was a short walk, shaded on each side by a filbert-hedge, with a small + alcove at one end, whither in hot weather the gentleman and his wife used to retire + and divert themselves with their children, who played in the walk before them. But, + though vanity had no votary in this little spot, here was variety of fruit and + everything useful for the kitchen, which was abundantly sufficient to catch the + admiration of Adams, who told the gentleman he had certainly a good gardener. Sir, + answered he, that gardener is now before you: whatever you see here is the work + solely of my own hands. Whilst I am providing necessaries for my table, I likewise + procure myself an appetite for them. In fair seasons I seldom pass less than six + hours of the twenty-four in this place, where I am not idle; and by these means I + have been able to preserve my health ever since my arrival here, without assistance + from physic. Hither I generally repair at the dawn, and exercise myself whilst my + wife dresses her children and prepares our breakfast; after which we are seldom + asunder during the residue of the day, for, when the weather will not permit them to + accompany me here, I am usually within with them; for I am neither ashamed of + conversing with my wife nor of playing with my children: to say the truth, I do not + perceive that inferiority of understanding which the levity of rakes, the dulness of + men of business, or the austerity of the learned, would persuade us of in women. As + for my woman, I declare I have found none of my own sex capable of making juster + observations on life, or of delivering them more agreeably; nor do I believe any one + possessed of a faithfuller or braver friend. And sure as this friendship is sweetened + with more delicacy and tenderness, so is it confirmed by dearer pledges than can + attend the closest male alliance; for what union can be so fast as our common + interest in the fruits of our embraces? Perhaps, sir, you are not yourself a father; + if you are not, be assured you cannot conceive the delight I have in my little ones. + Would you not despise me if you saw me stretched on the ground, and my children + playing round me? "I should reverence the sight," quoth Adams; "I myself am now the + father of six, and have been of eleven, and I can say I never scourged a child of my + own, unless as his schoolmaster, and then have felt every stroke on my own + posteriors. And as to what you say concerning women, I have often lamented my own + wife did not understand Greek."—The gentleman smiled, and answered, he would + not be apprehended to insinuate that his own had an understanding above the care of + her family; on the contrary, says he, my Harriet, I assure you, is a notable + housewife, and few gentlemen's housekeepers understand cookery or confectionery + better; but these are arts which she hath no great occasion for now: however, the + wine you commended so much last night at supper was of her own making, as is indeed + all the liquor in my house, except my beer, which falls to my province. "And I assure + you it is as excellent," quoth Adams, "as ever I tasted." We formerly kept a + maid-servant, but since my girls have been growing up she is unwilling to indulge + them in idleness; for as the fortunes I shall give them will be very small, we intend + not to breed them above the rank they are likely to fill hereafter, nor to teach them + to despise or ruin a plain husband. Indeed, I could wish a man of my own temper, and + a retired life, might fall to their lot; for I have experienced that calm serene + happiness, which is seated in content, is inconsistent with the hurry and bustle of + the world. He was proceeding thus when the little things, being just risen, ran + eagerly towards him and asked him blessing. They were shy to the strangers, but the + eldest acquainted her father, that her mother and the young gentlewoman were up, and + that breakfast was ready. They all went in, where the gentleman was surprized at the + beauty of Fanny, who had now recovered herself from her fatigue, and was entirely + clean drest; for the rogues who had taken away her purse had left her her bundle. But + if he was so much amazed at the beauty of this young creature, his guests were no + less charmed at the tenderness which appeared in the behaviour of the husband and + wife to each other, and to their children, and at the dutiful and affectionate + behaviour of these to their parents. These instances pleased the well-disposed mind + of Adams equally with the readiness which they exprest to oblige their guests, and + their forwardness to offer them the best of everything in their house; and what + delighted him still more was an instance or two of their charity; for whilst they + were at breakfast the good woman was called for to assist her sick neighbour, which + she did with some cordials made for the public use, and the good man went into his + garden at the same time to supply another with something which he wanted thence, for + they had nothing which those who wanted it were not welcome to. These good people + were in the utmost cheerfulness, when they heard the report of a gun, and immediately + afterwards a little dog, the favourite of the eldest daughter, came limping in all + bloody and laid himself at his mistress's feet: the poor girl, who was about eleven + years old, burst into tears at the sight; and presently one of the neighbours came in + and informed them that the young squire, the son of the lord of the manor, had shot + him as he past by, swearing at the same time he would prosecute the master of him for + keeping a spaniel, for that he had given notice he would not suffer one in the + parish. The dog, whom his mistress had taken into her lap, died in a few minutes, + licking her hand. She exprest great agony at his loss, and the other children began + to cry for their sister's misfortune; nor could Fanny herself refrain. Whilst the + father and mother attempted to comfort her, Adams grasped his crabstick and would + have sallied out after the squire had not Joseph withheld him. He could not however + bridle his tongue—he pronounced the word rascal with great emphasis; said he + deserved to be hanged more than a highwayman, and wished he had the scourging him. + The mother took her child, lamenting and carrying the dead favourite in her arms, out + of the room, when the gentleman said this was the second time this squire had + endeavoured to kill the little wretch, and had wounded him smartly once before; + adding, he could have no motive but ill-nature, for the little thing, which was not + near as big as one's fist, had never been twenty yards from the house in the six + years his daughter had had it. He said he had done nothing to deserve this usage, but + his father had too great a fortune to contend with: that he was as absolute as any + tyrant in the universe, and had killed all the dogs and taken away all the guns in + the neighbourhood; and not only that, but he trampled down hedges and rode over corn + and gardens, with no more regard than if they were the highway. "I wish I could catch + him in my garden," said Adams, "though I would rather forgive him riding through my + house than such an ill-natured act as this."</p> + <p>The cheerfulness of their conversation + being interrupted by this accident, in which the guests could be of no service to + their kind entertainer; and as the mother was taken up in administering consolation + to the poor girl, whose disposition was too good hastily to forget the sudden loss of + her little favourite, which had been fondling with her a few minutes before; and as + Joseph and Fanny were impatient to get home and begin those previous ceremonies to + their happiness which Adams had insisted on, they now offered to take their leave. + The gentleman importuned them much to stay dinner; but when he found their eagerness + to depart he summoned his wife; and accordingly, having performed all the usual + ceremonies of bows and curtsies more pleasant to be seen than to be related, they + took their leave, the gentleman and his wife heartily wishing them a good journey, + and they as heartily thanking them for their kind entertainment. They then departed, + Adams declaring that this was the manner in which the people had lived in the golden + age.</p> + <p class="footnote"><a id="footnote2" name="footnote2"></a> <strong>Footnote + 2</strong>: Whoever the reader pleases. <a href="#footnote2tag">(return)</a></p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter5" name="book3chapter5">CHAPTER V.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A disputation on schools held on the road between Mr Abraham + Adams and Joseph; and a discovery not unwelcome to them both.</em></p> + <p>Our travellers, having well refreshed themselves at the gentleman's house, Joseph + and Fanny with sleep, and Mr Abraham Adams with ale and tobacco, renewed their + journey with great alacrity; and pursuing the road into which they were directed, + travelled many miles before they met with any adventure worth relating. In this + interval we shall present our readers with a very curious discourse, as we apprehend + it, concerning public schools, which passed between Mr Joseph Andrews and Mr Abraham + Adams.</p> + <p>They had not gone far before Adams, calling to Joseph, asked him, "If he had + attended to the gentleman's story?" He answered, "To all the former part."—"And + don't you think," says he, "he was a very unhappy man in his youth?"—"A very + unhappy man, indeed," answered the other. "Joseph," cries Adams, screwing up his + mouth, "I have found it; I have discovered the cause of all the misfortunes which + befel him: a public school, Joseph, was the cause of all the calamities which he + afterwards suffered. Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality. All + the wicked fellows whom I remember at the university were bred at them.—Ah, + Lord! I can remember as well as if it was but yesterday, a knot of them; they called + them King's scholars, I forget why—very wicked fellows! Joseph, you may thank + the Lord you were not bred at a public school; you would never have preserved your + virtue as you have. The first care I always take is of a boy's morals; I had rather + he should be a blockhead than an atheist or a presbyterian. What is all the learning + in the world compared to his immortal soul? What shall a man take in exchange for his + soul? But the masters of great schools trouble themselves about no such thing. I have + known a lad of eighteen at the university, who hath not been able to say his + catechism; but for my own part, I always scourged a lad sooner for missing that than + any other lesson. Believe me, child, all that gentleman's misfortunes arose from his + being educated at a public school."</p> + <p>"It doth not become me," answered Joseph, "to + dispute anything, sir, with you, especially a matter of this kind; for to be sure you + must be allowed by all the world to be the best teacher of a school in all our + county." "Yes, that," says Adams, "I believe, is granted me; that I may without much + vanity pretend to—nay, I believe I may go to the next county too—but + <em>gloriari non est meum</em>."— "However, sir, as you are pleased to bid me + speak," says Joseph, "you know my late master, Sir Thomas Booby, was bred at a public + school, and he was the finest gentleman in all the neighbourhood. And I have often + heard him say, if he had a hundred boys he would breed them all at the same place. It + was his opinion, and I have often heard him deliver it, that a boy taken from a + public school and carried into the world, will learn more in one year there than one + of a private education will in five. He used to say the school itself initiated him a + great way (I remember that was his very expression), for great schools are little + societies, where a boy of any observation may see in epitome what he will afterwards + find in the world at large."—"<em>Hinc illae lachrymae</em>: for that very + reason," quoth Adams, "I prefer a private school, where boys may be kept in innocence + and ignorance; for, according to that fine passage in the play of Cato, the only + English tragedy I ever read—</p> + <blockquote> + "'If knowledge of the world must make men villains<br /> + May Juba ever live in ignorance!' + </blockquote> + <p>"Who would not rather preserve the purity of his child than wish him to attain the + whole circle of arts and sciences? which, by the bye, he may learn in the classes of + a private school; for I would not be vain, but I esteem myself to be second to none, + <em>nulli secundum</em>, in teaching these things; so that a lad may have as much + learning in a private as in a public education."—"And, with submission," + answered Joseph, "he may get as much vice: witness several country gentlemen, who + were educated within five miles of their own houses, and are as wicked as if they had + known the world from their infancy. I remember when I was in the stable, if a young + horse was vicious in his nature, no correction would make him otherwise: I take it to + be equally the same among men: if a boy be of a mischievous wicked inclination, no + school, though ever so private, will ever make him good: on the contrary, if he be of + a righteous temper, you may trust him to London, or wherever else you please—he + will be in no danger of being corrupted. Besides, I have often heard my master say + that the discipline practised in public schools was much better than that in + private."—"You talk like a jackanapes," says Adams, "and so did your master. + Discipline indeed! Because one man scourges twenty or thirty boys more in a morning + than another, is he therefore a better disciplinarian? I do presume to confer in this + point with all who have taught from Chiron's time to this day; and, if I was master + of six boys only, I would preserve as good discipline amongst them as the master of + the greatest school in the world. I say nothing, young man; remember I say nothing; + but if Sir Thomas himself had been educated nearer home, and under the tuition of + somebody—remember I name nobody—it might have been better for + him:—but his father must institute him in the knowledge of the world. <em>Nemo + mortalium omnibus horis sapit</em>." Joseph, seeing him run on in this manner, asked + pardon many times, assuring him he had no intention to offend. "I believe you had + not, child," said he, "and I am not angry with you; but for maintaining good + discipline in a school; for this."—And then he ran on as before, named all the + masters who are recorded in old books, and preferred himself to them all. Indeed, if + this good man had an enthusiasm, or what the vulgar call a blind side, it was this: + he thought a schoolmaster the greatest character in the world, and himself the + greatest of all schoolmasters: neither of which points he would have given up to + Alexander the Great at the head of his army.</p> + <p>Adams continued his subject till they came to one of the beautifullest spots of + ground in the universe. It was a kind of natural amphitheatre, formed by the winding + of a small rivulet, which was planted with thick woods, and the trees rose gradually + above each other by the natural ascent of the ground they stood on; which ascent as + they hid with their boughs, they seemed to have been disposed by the design of the + most skilful planter. The soil was spread with a verdure which no paint could + imitate; and the whole place might have raised romantic ideas in elder minds than + those of Joseph and Fanny, without the assistance of love.</p> + <p>Here they arrived about noon, and Joseph proposed to Adams that they should rest + awhile in this delightful place, and refresh themselves with some provisions which + the good-nature of Mrs Wilson had provided them with. Adams made no objection to the + proposal; so down they sat, and, pulling out a cold fowl and a bottle of wine, they + made a repast with a cheerfulness which might have attracted the envy of more + splendid tables. I should not omit that they found among their provision a little + paper containing a piece of gold, which Adams imagining had been put there by + mistake, would have returned back to restore it; but he was at last convinced by + Joseph that Mr Wilson had taken this handsome way of furnishing them with a supply + for their journey, on his having related the distress which they had been in, when + they were relieved by the generosity of the pedlar. Adams said he was glad to see + such an instance of goodness, not so much for the conveniency which it brought them + as for the sake of the doer, whose reward would be great in heaven. He likewise + comforted himself with a reflection that he should shortly have an opportunity of + returning it him; for the gentleman was within a week to make a journey into + Somersetshire, to pass through Adams's parish, and had faithfully promised to call on + him; a circumstance which we thought too immaterial to mention before; but which + those who have as great an affection for that gentleman as ourselves will rejoice at, + as it may give them hopes of seeing him again. Then Joseph made a speech on charity, + which the reader, if he is so disposed, may see in the next chapter; for we scorn to + betray him into any such reading, without first giving him warning.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter6" name="book3chapter6">CHAPTER VI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Moral reflections by Joseph Andrews; with the hunting + adventure, and parson Adams's miraculous escape.</em></p> + <p>"I have often wondered, sir," said Joseph, "to observe so few instances of charity + among mankind; for though the goodness of a man's heart did not incline him to relieve + the distresses of his fellow-creatures, methinks the desire of honour should move him + to it. What inspires a man to build fine houses, to purchase fine furniture, + pictures, clothes, and other things, at a great expense, but an ambition to be + respected more than other people? Now, would not one great act of charity, one + instance of redeeming a poor family from all the miseries of poverty, restoring an + unfortunate tradesman by a sum of money to the means of procuring a livelihood by his + industry, discharging an undone debtor from his debts or a gaol, or any suchlike + example of goodness, create a man more honour and respect than he could acquire by + the finest house, furniture, pictures, or clothes, that were ever beheld? For not + only the object himself who was thus relieved, but all who heard the name of such a + person, must, I imagine, reverence him infinitely more than the possessor of all + those other things; which when we so admire, we rather praise the builder, the + workman, the painter, the lace-maker, the taylor, and the rest, by whose ingenuity + they are produced, than the person who by his money makes them his own. For my own + part, when I have waited behind my lady in a room hung with fine pictures, while I + have been looking at them I have never once thought of their owner, nor hath any one + else, as I ever observed; for when it hath been asked whose picture that was, it was + never once answered the master's of the house; but Ammyconni, Paul Varnish, Hannibal + Scratchi, or Hogarthi, which I suppose were the names of the painters; but if it was + asked—Who redeemed such a one out of prison? Who lent such a ruined tradesman + money to set up? Who clothed that family of poor small children? it is very plain + what must be the answer. And besides, these great folks are mistaken if they imagine + they get any honour at all by these means; for I do not remember I ever was with my + lady at any house where she commended the house or furniture but I have heard her at + her return home make sport and jeer at whatever she had before commended; and I have + been told by other gentlemen in livery that it is the same in their families: but I + defy the wisest man in the world to turn a true good action into ridicule. I defy him + to do it. He who should endeavour it would be laughed at himself, instead of making + others laugh. Nobody scarce doth any good, yet they all agree in praising those who + do. Indeed, it is strange that all men should consent in commending goodness, and no + man endeavour to deserve that commendation; whilst, on the contrary, all rail at + wickedness, and all are as eager to be what they abuse. This I know not the reason + of; but it is as plain as daylight to those who converse in the world, as I have done + these three years." "Are all the great folks wicked then?" says Fanny. "To be sure + there are some exceptions," answered Joseph. "Some gentlemen of our cloth report + charitable actions done by their lords and masters; and I have heard Squire Pope, the + great poet, at my lady's table, tell stories of a man that lived at a place called + Ross, and another at the Bath, one Al—Al—I forget his name, but it is in + the book of verses. This gentleman hath built up a stately house too, which the + squire likes very well; but his charity is seen farther than his house, though it + stands on a hill,—ay, and brings him more honour too. It was his charity that + put him in the book, where the squire says he puts all those who deserve it; and to + be sure, as he lives among all the great people, if there were any such, he would + know them." This was all of Mr Joseph Andrews's speech which I could get him to + recollect, which I have delivered as near as was possible in his own words, with a + very small embellishment. But I believe the reader hath not been a little surprized + at the long silence of parson Adams, especially as so many occasions offered + themselves to exert his curiosity and observation. The truth is, he was fast asleep, + and had so been from the beginning of the preceding narrative; and, indeed, if the + reader considers that so many hours had passed since he had closed his eyes, he will + not wonder at his repose, though even Henley himself, or as great an orator (if any + such be), had been in his rostrum or tub before him.</p> + <p>Joseph, who whilst he was + speaking had continued in one attitude, with his head reclining on one side, and his + eyes cast on the ground, no sooner perceived, on looking up, the position of Adams, + who was stretched on his back, and snored louder than the usual braying of the animal + with long ears, than he turned towards Fanny, and, taking her by the hand, began a + dalliance, which, though consistent with the purest innocence and decency, neither he + would have attempted nor she permitted before any witness. Whilst they amused + themselves in this harmless and delightful manner they heard a pack of hounds + approaching in full cry towards them, and presently afterwards saw a hare pop forth + from the wood, and, crossing the water, land within a few yards of them in the + meadows. The hare was no sooner on shore than it seated itself on its hinder legs, + and listened to the sound of the pursuers. Fanny was wonderfully pleased with the + little wretch, and eagerly longed to have it in her arms that she might preserve it + from the dangers which seemed to threaten it; but the rational part of the creation + do not always aptly distinguish their friends from their foes; what wonder then if + this silly creature, the moment it beheld her, fled from the friend who would have + protected it, and, traversing the meadows again, passed the little rivulet on the + opposite side? It was, however, so spent and weak, that it fell down twice or thrice + in its way. This affected the tender heart of Fanny, who exclaimed, with tears in her + eyes, against the barbarity of worrying a poor innocent defenceless animal out of its + life, and putting it to the extremest torture for diversion. She had not much time to + make reflections of this kind, for on a sudden the hounds rushed through the wood, + which resounded with their throats and the throats of their retinue, who attended on + them on horseback. The dogs now past the rivulet, and pursued the footsteps of the + hare; five horsemen attempted to leap over, three of whom succeeded, and two were in + the attempt thrown from their saddles into the water; their companions, and their own + horses too, proceeded after their sport, and left their friends and riders to invoke + the assistance of Fortune, or employ the more active means of strength and agility + for their deliverance. Joseph, however, was not so unconcerned on this occasion; he + left Fanny for a moment to herself, and ran to the gentlemen, who were immediately on + their legs, shaking their ears, and easily, with the help of his hand, obtained the + bank (for the rivulet was not at all deep); and, without staying to thank their kind + assister, ran dripping across the meadow, calling to their brother sportsmen to stop + their horses; but they heard them not.</p> + <p>The hounds were now very little behind their + poor reeling, staggering prey, which, fainting almost at every step, crawled through + the wood, and had almost got round to the place where Fanny stood, when it was + overtaken by its enemies, and being driven out of the covert, was caught, and + instantly tore to pieces before Fanny's face, who was unable to assist it with any + aid more powerful than pity; nor could she prevail on Joseph, who had been himself a + sportsman in his youth, to attempt anything contrary to the laws of hunting in favour + of the hare, which he said was killed fairly.</p> + <p>The hare was caught within a yard or two of Adams, who lay asleep at some distance + from the lovers; and the hounds, in devouring it, and pulling it backwards and + forwards, had drawn it so close to him, that some of them (by mistake perhaps for the + hare's skin) laid hold of the skirts of his cassock; others at the same time applying + their teeth to his wig, which he had with a handkerchief fastened to his head, began + to pull him about; and had not the motion of his body had more effect on him than + seemed to be wrought by the noise, they must certainly have tasted his flesh, which + delicious flavour might have been fatal to him; but being roused by these tuggings, + he instantly awaked, and with a jerk delivering his head from his wig, he with most + admirable dexterity recovered his legs, which now seemed the only members he could + entrust his safety to. Having, therefore, escaped likewise from at least a third part + of his cassock, which he willingly left as his <em>exuviae</em> or spoils to the + enemy, he fled with the utmost speed he could summon to his assistance. Nor let this + be any detraction from the bravery of his character: let the number of the enemies, + and the surprize in which he was taken, be considered; and if there be any modern so + outrageously brave that he cannot admit of flight in any circumstance whatever, I say + (but I whisper that softly, and I solemnly declare without any intention of giving + offence to any brave man in the nation), I say, or rather I whisper, that he is an + ignorant fellow, and hath never read Homer nor Virgil, nor knows he anything of + Hector or Turnus; nay, he is unacquainted with the history of some great men living, + who, though as brave as lions, ay, as tigers, have run away, the Lord knows how far, + and the Lord knows why, to the surprize of their friends and the entertainment of + their enemies. But if persons of such heroic disposition are a little offended at + the behaviour of Adams, we assure them they shall be as much pleased with what we + shall immediately relate of Joseph Andrews. The master of the pack was just arrived, + or, as the sportsmen call it, come in, when Adams set out, as we have before + mentioned. This gentleman was generally said to be a great lover of humour; but, not + to mince the matter, especially as we are upon this subject, he was a great hunter of + men; indeed, he had hitherto followed the sport only with dogs of his own species; + for he kept two or three couple of barking curs for that use only. However, as he + thought he had now found a man nimble enough, he was willing to indulge himself with + other sport, and accordingly, crying out, "Stole away," encouraged the hounds to + pursue Mr Adams, swearing it was the largest jack-hare he ever saw; at the same time + hallooing and hooping as if a conquered foe was flying before him; in which he was + imitated by these two or three couple of human or rather two-legged curs on horseback + which we have mentioned before.</p> + <p>Now, thou, whoever thou art, whether a muse, or by + what other name soever thou choosest to be called, who presidest over biography, and + hast inspired all the writers of lives in these our times: thou who didst infuse such + wonderful humour into the pen of immortal Gulliver; who hast carefully guided the + judgment whilst thou hast exalted the nervous manly style of thy Mallet: thou who + hadst no hand in that dedication and preface, or the translations, which thou wouldst + willingly have struck out of the life of Cicero: lastly, thou who, without the + assistance of the least spice of literature, and even against his inclination, hast, + in some pages of his book, forced Colley Cibber to write English; do thou assist me + in what I find myself unequal to. Do thou introduce on the plain the young, the gay, + the brave Joseph Andrews, whilst men shall view him with admiration and envy, tender + virgins with love and anxious concern for his safety.</p> + <p>No sooner did Joseph Andrews + perceive the distress of his friend, when first the quick-scenting dogs attacked him, + than he grasped his cudgel in his right hand—a cudgel which his father had of + his grandfather, to whom a mighty strong man of Kent had given it for a present in + that day when he broke three heads on the stage. It was a cudgel of mighty strength + and wonderful art, made by one of Mr Deard's best workmen, whom no other artificer + can equal, and who hath made all those sticks which the beaus have lately walked with + about the Park in a morning; but this was far his masterpiece. On its head was + engraved a nose and chin, which might have been mistaken for a pair of nutcrackers. + The learned have imagined it designed to represent the Gorgon; but it was in fact + copied from the face of a certain long English baronet, of infinite wit, humour, and + gravity. He did intend to have engraved here many histories: as the first night of + Captain B——'s play, where you would have seen critics in embroidery + transplanted from the boxes to the pit, whose ancient inhabitants were exalted to the + galleries, where they played on catcalls. He did intend to have painted an auction + room, where Mr Cock would have appeared aloft in his pulpit, trumpeting forth the + praises of a china basin, and with astonishment wondering that "Nobody bids more for + that fine, that superb—" He did intend to have engraved many other things, but + was forced to leave all out for want of room.</p> + <p>No sooner had Joseph grasped his cudgel in his hands than lightning darted from + his eyes; and the heroick youth, swift of foot, ran with the utmost speed to his + friend's assistance. He overtook him just as Rockwood had laid hold of the skirt of + his cassock, which, being torn, hung to the ground. Reader, we would make a simile on + this occasion, but for two reasons: the first is, it would interrupt the description, + which should be rapid in this part; but that doth not weigh much, many precedents + occurring for such an interruption: the second and much the greater reason is, that + we could find no simile adequate to our purpose: for indeed, what instance could we + bring to set before our reader's eyes at once the idea of friendship, courage, youth, + beauty, strength, and swiftness? all which blazed in the person of Joseph Andrews. + Let those, therefore, that describe lions and tigers, and heroes fiercer than both, + raise their poems or plays with the simile of Joseph Andrews, who is himself above + the reach of any simile.</p> + <p>Now Rockwood had laid fast hold on the parson's skirts, and stopt his flight; + which Joseph no sooner perceived than he levelled his cudgel at his head and laid him + sprawling. Jowler and Ringwood then fell on his greatcoat, and had undoubtedly + brought him to the ground, had not Joseph, collecting all his force, given Jowler + such a rap on the back, that, quitting his hold, he ran howling over the plain. A + harder fate remained for thee, O Ringwood! Ringwood the best hound that ever pursued + a hare, who never threw his tongue but where the scent was undoubtedly true; good at + trailing, and sure in a highway; no babler, no overrunner; respected by the whole + pack, who, whenever he opened, knew the game was at hand. He fell by the stroke of + Joseph. Thunder and Plunder, and Wonder and Blunder, were the next victims of his + wrath, and measured their lengths on the ground. Then Fairmaid, a bitch which Mr John + Temple had bred up in his house, and fed at his own table, and lately sent the squire + fifty miles for a present, ran fiercely at Joseph and bit him by the leg: no dog was + ever fiercer than she, being descended from an Amazonian breed, and had worried bulls + in her own country, but now waged an unequal fight, and had shared the fate of those + we have mentioned before, had not Diana (the reader may believe it or not if he + pleases) in that instant interposed, and, in the shape of the huntsman, snatched her + favourite up in her arms.</p> + <p>The parson now faced about, and with his crabstick felled many to the earth, and + scattered others, till he was attacked by Caesar and pulled to the ground. Then + Joseph flew to his rescue, and with such might fell on the victor, that, O eternal + blot to his name! Caesar ran yelping away.</p> + <p>The battle now raged with the most dreadful violence, when, lo! the huntsman, a + man of years and dignity, lifted his voice, and called his hounds from the fight, + telling them, in a language they understood, that it was in vain to contend longer, + for that fate had decreed the victory to their enemies.</p> + <p>Thus far the muse hath with her usual dignity related this prodigious battle, a + battle we apprehend never equalled by any poet, romance or life writer whatever, and, + having brought it to a conclusion, she ceased; we shall therefore proceed in our + ordinary style with the continuation of this history. The squire and his companions, + whom the figure of Adams and the gallantry of Joseph had at first thrown into a + violent fit of laughter, and who had hitherto beheld the engagement with more delight + than any chase, shooting-match, race, cock-fighting, bull or bear baiting, had ever + given them, began now to apprehend the danger of their hounds, many of which lay + sprawling in the fields. The squire, therefore, having first called his friends about + him, as guards for safety of his person, rode manfully up to the combatants, and, + summoning all the terror he was master of into his countenance, demanded with an + authoritative voice of Joseph what he meant by assaulting his dogs in that manner? + Joseph answered, with great intrepidity, that they had first fallen on his friend; + and if they had belonged to the greatest man in the kingdom, he would have treated + them in the same way; for, whilst his veins contained a single drop of blood, he + would not stand idle by and see that gentleman (pointing to Adams) abused either by + man or beast; and, having so said, both he and Adams brandished their wooden weapons, + and put themselves into such a posture, that the squire and his company thought + proper to preponderate before they offered to revenge the cause of their four-footed + allies.</p> + <p>At this instant Fanny, whom the apprehension of Joseph's danger had alarmed so + much that, forgetting her own, she had made the utmost expedition, came up. The + squire and all the horsemen were so surprized with her beauty, that they immediately + fixed both their eyes and thoughts solely on her, every one declaring he had never + seen so charming a creature. Neither mirth nor anger engaged them a moment longer, + but all sat in silent amaze. The huntsman only was free from her attraction, who was + busy in cutting the ears of the dogs, and endeavouring to recover them to life; in + which he succeeded so well, that only two of no great note remained slaughtered on + the field of action. Upon this the huntsman declared, "'Twas well it was no worse; + for his part he could not blame the gentleman, and wondered his master would + encourage the dogs to hunt Christians; that it was the surest way to spoil them, to + make them follow vermin instead of sticking to a hare."</p> + <p>The squire, being informed of the little mischief that had been done, and perhaps + having more mischief of another kind in his head, accosted Mr Adams with a more + favourable aspect than before: he told him he was sorry for what had happened; that + he had endeavoured all he could to prevent it the moment he was acquainted with his + cloth, and greatly commended the courage of his servant, for so he imagined Joseph to + be. He then invited Mr Adams to dinner, and desired the young woman might come with + him. Adams refused a long while; but the invitation was repeated with so much + earnestness and courtesy, that at length he was forced to accept it. His wig and hat, + and other spoils of the field, being gathered together by Joseph (for otherwise + probably they would have been forgotten), he put himself into the best order he + could; and then the horse and foot moved forward in the same pace towards the + squire's house, which stood at a very little distance.</p> + <p>Whilst they were on the road the lovely Fanny attracted the eyes of all: they + endeavoured to outvie one another in encomiums on her beauty; which the reader will + pardon my not relating, as they had not anything new or uncommon in them: so must he + likewise my not setting down the many curious jests which were made on Adams; some of + them declaring that parson-hunting was the best sport in the world; others commending + his standing at bay, which they said he had done as well as any badger; with such + like merriment, which, though it would ill become the dignity of this history, + afforded much laughter and diversion to the squire and his facetious companions.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter7" name="book3chapter7">CHAPTER VII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A scene of roasting, very nicely adapted to the present taste + and times.</em></p> + <p>They arrived at the squire's house just as his dinner was ready. A little dispute + arose on the account of Fanny, whom the squire, who was a bachelor, was desirous to + place at his own table; but she would not consent, nor would Mr Adams permit her to + be parted from Joseph; so that she was at length with him consigned over to the + kitchen, where the servants were ordered to make him drunk; a favour which was + likewise intended for Adams; which design being executed, the squire thought he + should easily accomplish what he had when he first saw her intended to perpetrate + with Fanny.</p> + <p>It may not be improper, before we proceed farther, to open a little the character + of this gentleman, and that of his friends. The master of this house, then, was a man + of a very considerable fortune; a bachelor, as we have said, and about forty years of + age: he had been educated (if we may use the expression) in the country, and at his + own home, under the care of his mother, and a tutor who had orders never to correct + him, nor to compel him to learn more than he liked, which it seems was very little, + and that only in his childhood; for from the age of fifteen he addicted himself + entirely to hunting and other rural amusements, for which his mother took care to + equip him with horses, hounds, and all other necessaries; and his tutor, endeavouring + to ingratiate himself with his young pupil, who would, he knew, be able handsomely to + provide for him, became his companion, not only at these exercises, but likewise over + a bottle, which the young squire had a very early relish for. At the age of twenty + his mother began to think she had not fulfilled the duty of a parent; she therefore + resolved to persuade her son, if possible, to that which she imagined would well + supply all that he might have learned at a public school or university—this is + what they commonly call travelling; which, with the help of the tutor, who was fixed + on to attend him, she easily succeeded in. He made in three years the tour of Europe, + as they term it, and returned home well furnished with French clothes, phrases, and + servants, with a hearty contempt for his own country; especially what had any savour + of the plain spirit and honesty of our ancestors. His mother greatly applauded + herself at his return. And now, being master of his own fortune, he soon procured + himself a seat in Parliament, and was in the common opinion one of the finest + gentlemen of his age: but what distinguished him chiefly was a strange delight which + he took in everything which is ridiculous, odious, and absurd in his own species; so + that he never chose a companion without one or more of these ingredients, and those + who were marked by nature in the most eminent degree with them were most his + favourites. If he ever found a man who either had not, or endeavoured to conceal, + these imperfections, he took great pleasure in inventing methods of forcing him into + absurdities which were not natural to him, or in drawing forth and exposing those + that were; for which purpose he was always provided with a set of fellows, whom we + have before called curs, and who did, indeed, no great honour to the canine kind; + their business was to hunt out and display everything that had any savour of the + above-mentioned qualities, and especially in the gravest and best characters; but if + they failed in their search, they were to turn even virtue and wisdom themselves into + ridicule, for the diversion of their master and feeder. The gentlemen of curlike + disposition who were now at his house, and whom he had brought with him from London, + were, an old half-pay officer, a player, a dull poet, a quack-doctor, a scraping + fiddler, and a lame German dancing-master.</p> + <p>As soon as dinner was served, while Mr Adams was saying grace, the captain + conveyed his chair from behind him; so that when he endeavoured to seat himself he + fell down on the ground, and this completed joke the first, to the great + entertainment of the whole company. The second joke was performed by the poet, who + sat next him on the other side, and took an opportunity, while poor Adams was + respectfully drinking to the master of the house, to overturn a plate of soup into + his breeches; which, with the many apologies he made, and the parson's gentle + answers, caused much mirth in the company. Joke the third was served up by one of the + waiting-men, who had been ordered to convey a quantity of gin into Mr Adams's ale, + which he declaring to be the best liquor he ever drank, but rather too rich of the + malt, contributed again to their laughter. Mr Adams, from whom we had most of this + relation, could not recollect all the jests of this kind practised on him, which the + inoffensive disposition of his own heart made him slow in discovering; and indeed, + had it not been for the information which we received from a servant of the family, + this part of our history, which we take to be none of the least curious, must have + been deplorably imperfect; though we must own it probable that some more jokes were + (as they call it) cracked during their dinner; but we have by no means been able to + come at the knowledge of them. When dinner was removed, the poet began to repeat some + verses, which, he said, were made extempore. The following is a copy of them, + procured with the greatest difficulty:—</p> + <blockquote> + <em>An extempore Poem on parson Adams.</em><br /> + <br /> + Did ever mortal such a parson view?<br /> + His cassock old, his wig not over-new,<br /> + Well might the hounds have him for fox mistaken,<br /> + In smell more like to that than rusty bacon <a id="footnote3tag" + name="footnote3tag"></a><a href="#footnote3"><sup>3</sup></a>;<br /> + But would it not make any mortal stare<br /> + To see this parson taken for a hare?<br /> + Could Phoebus err thus grossly, even he<br /> + For a good player might have taken thee. + </blockquote> + <p>At which words the bard whipt off the player's wig, and received the approbation + of the company, rather perhaps for the dexterity of his hand than his head. The + player, instead of retorting the jest on the poet, began to display his talents on + the same subject. He repeated many scraps of wit out of plays, reflecting on the + whole body of the clergy, which were received with great acclamations by all present. + It was now the dancing-master's turn to exhibit his talents; he therefore, addressing + himself to Adams in broken English, told him, "He was a man ver well made for de + dance, and he suppose by his walk dat he had learn of some great master." He said, + "It was ver pretty quality in clergyman to dance;" and concluded with desiring him to + dance a minuet, telling him, "his cassock would serve for petticoats; and that he + would himself be his partner." At which words, without waiting for an answer, he + pulled out his gloves, and the fiddler was preparing his fiddle. The company all + offered the dancing-master wagers that the parson out-danced him, which he refused, + saying "he believed so too, for he had never seen any man in his life who looked de + dance so well as de gentleman:" he then stepped forwards to take Adams by the hand, + which the latter hastily withdrew, and, at the same time clenching his fist, advised + him not to carry the jest too far, for he would not endure being put upon. The + dancing-master no sooner saw the fist than he prudently retired out of its reach, and + stood aloof, mimicking Adams, whose eyes were fixed on him, not guessing what he was + at, but to avoid his laying hold on him, which he had once attempted. In the + meanwhile, the captain, perceiving an opportunity, pinned a cracker or devil to the + cassock, and then lighted it with their little smoking-candle. Adams, being a + stranger to this sport, and believing he had been blown up in reality, started from + his chair, and jumped about the room, to the infinite joy of the beholders, who + declared he was the best dancer in the universe. As soon as the devil had done + tormenting him, and he had a little recovered his confusion, he returned to the + table, standing up in the posture of one who intended to make a speech. They all + cried out, "Hear him, hear him;" and he then spoke in the following manner: "Sir, I + am sorry to see one to whom Providence hath been so bountiful in bestowing his + favours make so ill and ungrateful a return for them; for, though you have not + insulted me yourself, it is visible you have delighted in those that do it, nor have + once discouraged the many rudenesses which have been shown towards me; indeed, + towards yourself, if you rightly understood them; for I am your guest, and by the + laws of hospitality entitled to your protection. One gentleman had thought proper to + produce some poetry upon me, of which I shall only say, that I had rather be the + subject than the composer. He hath pleased to treat me with disrespect as a parson. I + apprehend my order is not the subject of scorn, nor that I can become so, unless by + being a disgrace to it, which I hope poverty will never be called. Another gentleman, + indeed, hath repeated some sentences, where the order itself is mentioned with + contempt. He says they are taken from plays. I am sure such plays are a scandal to + the government which permits them, and cursed will be the nation where they are + represented. How others have treated me I need not observe; they themselves, when + they reflect, must allow the behaviour to be as improper to my years as to my cloth. + You found me, sir, travelling with two of my parishioners (I omit your hounds falling + on me; for I have quite forgiven it, whether it proceeded from the wantonness or + negligence of the huntsman): my appearance might very well persuade you that your + invitation was an act of charity, though in reality we were well provided; yes, sir, + if we had had an hundred miles to travel, we had sufficient to bear our expenses in a + noble manner." (At which words he produced the half-guinea which was found in the + basket.) "I do not show you this out of ostentation of riches, but to convince you I + speak truth. Your seating me at your table was an honour which I did not ambitiously + affect. When I was here, I endeavoured to behave towards you with the utmost respect; + if I have failed, it was not with design; nor could I, certainly, so far be guilty as + to deserve the insults I have suffered. If they were meant, therefore, either to my + order or my poverty (and you see I am not very poor), the shame doth not lie at my + door, and I heartily pray that the sin may be averted from yours." He thus finished, + and received a general clap from the whole company. Then the gentleman of the house + told him, "He was sorry for what had happened; that he could not accuse him of any + share in it; that the verses were, as himself had well observed, so bad, that he + might easily answer them; and for the serpent, it was undoubtedly a very great + affront done him by the dancing-master, for which, if he well thrashed him, as he + deserved, he should be very much pleased to see it" (in which, probably, he spoke + truth). Adams answered, "Whoever had done it, it was not his profession to punish him + that way; but for the person whom he had accused, I am a witness," says he, "of his + innocence; for I had my eye on him all the while. Whoever he was, God forgive him, + and bestow on him a little more sense as well as humanity." The captain answered with + a surly look and accent, "That he hoped he did not mean to reflect upon him; + d—n him, he had as much imanity as another, and, if any man said he had not, he + would convince him of his mistake by cutting his throat." Adams, smiling, said, "He + believed he had spoke right by accident." To which the captain returned, "What do you + mean by my speaking right? If you was not a parson, I would not take these words; but + your gown protects you. If any man who wears a sword had said so much, I had pulled + him by the nose before this." Adams replied, "If he attempted any rudeness to his + person, he would not find any protection for himself in his gown;" and, clenching his + fist, declared "he had thrashed many a stouter man." The gentleman did all he could + to encourage this warlike disposition in Adams, and was in hopes to have produced a + battle, but he was disappointed; for the captain made no other answer than, "It is + very well you are a parson;" and so, drinking off a bumper to old mother Church, + ended the dispute.</p> + <p>Then the doctor, who had hitherto been silent, and who was the gravest but most + mischievous dog of all, in a very pompous speech highly applauded what Adams had + said, and as much discommended the behaviour to him. He proceeded to encomiums on the + Church and poverty; and, lastly, recommended forgiveness of what had passed to Adams, + who immediately answered, "That everything was forgiven;" and in the warmth of his + goodness he filled a bumper of strong beer (a liquor he preferred to wine), and drank + a health to the whole company, shaking the captain and the poet heartily by the hand, + and addressing himself with great respect to the doctor; who, indeed, had not laughed + outwardly at anything that past, as he had a perfect command of his muscles, and + could laugh inwardly without betraying the least symptoms in his countenance. The + doctor now began a second formal speech, in which he declaimed against all levity of + conversation, and what is usually called mirth. He said, "There were amusements + fitted for persons of all ages and degrees, from the rattle to the discussing a point + of philosophy; and that men discovered themselves in nothing more than in the choice + of their amusements; for," says he, "as it must greatly raise our expectation of the + future conduct in life of boys whom in their tender years we perceive, instead of taw + or balls, or other childish playthings, to chuse, at their leisure hours, to exercise + their genius in contentions of wit, learning, and such like; so must it inspire one + with equal contempt of a man, if we should discover him playing at taw or other + childish play." Adams highly commended the doctor's opinion, and said, "He had often + wondered at some passages in ancient authors, where Scipio, Laelius, and other great + men were represented to have passed many hours in amusements of the most trifling + kind." The doctor replied, "He had by him an old Greek manuscript where a favourite + diversion of Socrates was recorded." "Ay!" says the parson eagerly; "I should be most + infinitely obliged to you for the favour of perusing it." The doctor promised to send + it him, and farther said, "That he believed he could describe it. I think," says he, + "as near as I can remember, it was this: there was a throne erected, on one side of + which sat a king and on the other a queen, with their guards and attendants ranged on + both sides; to them was introduced an ambassador, which part Socrates always used to + perform himself; and when he was led up to the footsteps of the throne he addressed + himself to the monarchs in some grave speech, full of virtue, and goodness, and + morality, and such like. After which, he was seated between the king and queen, and + royally entertained. This I think was the chief part. Perhaps I may have forgot some + particulars; for it is long since I read it." Adams said, "It was, indeed, a + diversion worthy the relaxation of so great a man; and thought something resembling + it should be instituted among our great men, instead of cards and other idle pastime, + in which, he was informed, they trifled away too much of their lives." He added, "The + Christian religion was a nobler subject for these speeches than any Socrates could + have invented." The gentleman of the house approved what Mr Adams said, and declared + "he was resolved to perform the ceremony this very evening." To which the doctor + objected, as no one was prepared with a speech, "unless," said he (turning to Adams + with a gravity of countenance which would have deceived a more knowing man), "you + have a sermon about you, doctor." "Sir," said Adams, "I never travel without one, for + fear of what may happen." He was easily prevailed on by his worthy friend, as he now + called the doctor, to undertake the part of the ambassador; so that the gentleman + sent immediate orders to have the throne erected, which was performed before they had + drank two bottles; and, perhaps, the reader will hereafter have no great reason to + admire the nimbleness of the servants. Indeed, to confess the truth, the throne was + no more than this: there was a great tub of water provided, on each side of which + were placed two stools raised higher than the surface of the tub, and over the whole + was laid a blanket; on these stools were placed the king and queen, namely, the + master of the house and the captain. And now the ambassador was introduced between + the poet and the doctor; who, having read his sermon, to the great entertainment of + all present, was led up to his place and seated between their majesties. They + immediately rose up, when the blanket, wanting its supports at either end, gave way, + and soused Adams over head and ears in the water. The captain made his escape, but, + unluckily, the gentleman himself not being as nimble as he ought, Adams caught hold + of him before he descended from his throne, and pulled him in with him, to the entire + secret satisfaction of all the company. Adams, after ducking the squire twice or + thrice, leapt out of the tub, and looked sharp for the doctor, whom he would + certainly have conveyed to the same place of honour; but he had wisely withdrawn: he + then searched for his crabstick, and having found that, as well as his fellow + travellers, he declared he would not stay a moment longer in such a house. He then + departed, without taking leave of his host, whom he had exacted a more severe revenge + on than he intended; for, as he did not use sufficient care to dry himself in time, + he caught a cold by the accident which threw him into a fever that had like to have + cost him his life.</p> + <p class="footnote"><a id="footnote3" name="footnote3"></a> <strong>Footnote + 3</strong>: All hounds that will hunt fox or other vermin will hunt a piece of rusty + bacon trailed on the ground. <a href="#footnote3tag">(return)</a></p> + <p class="figure"><a id="figure2" name="figure2"></a> <img src="images/figure2.png" + width="100%" alt="" /><br /> + Parson Adams.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter8" name="book3chapter8">CHAPTER VIII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Which some readers will think too short and others too + long.</em></p> + <p>Adams, and Joseph, who was no less enraged than his friend at the treatment he met + with, went out with their sticks in their hands, and carried off Fanny, + notwithstanding the opposition of the servants, who did all, without proceeding to + violence, in their power to detain them. They walked as fast as they could, not so + much from any apprehension of being pursued as that Mr Adams might, by exercise, + prevent any harm from the water. The gentleman, who had given such orders to his + servants concerning Fanny that he did not in the least fear her getting away, no + sooner heard that she was gone, than he began to rave, and immediately despatched + several with orders either to bring her back or never return. The poet, the player, + and all but the dancing-master and doctor, went on this errand.</p> + <p>The night was very dark in which our friends began their journey; however, they + made such expedition, that they soon arrived at an inn which was at seven miles' + distance. Here they unanimously consented to pass the evening, Mr Adams being now as + dry as he was before he had set out on his embassy.</p> + <p>This inn, which indeed we might call an ale-house, had not the words, The New Inn, + been writ on the sign, afforded them no better provision than bread and cheese and + ale; on which, however, they made a very comfortable meal; for hunger is better than + a French cook.</p> + <p>They had no sooner supped, than Adams, returning thanks to the Almighty for his + food, declared he had eat his homely commons with much greater satisfaction than his + splendid dinner; and expressed great contempt for the folly of mankind, who + sacrificed their hopes of heaven to the acquisition of vast wealth, since so much + comfort was to be found in the humblest state and the lowest provision. "Very true, + sir," says a grave man who sat smoaking his pipe by the fire, and who was a traveller + as well as himself. "I have often been as much surprized as you are, when I consider + the value which mankind in general set on riches, since every day's experience shows + us how little is in their power; for what, indeed, truly desirable, can they bestow + on us? Can they give beauty to the deformed, strength to the weak, or health to the + infirm? Surely if they could we should not see so many ill-favoured faces haunting + the assemblies of the great, nor would such numbers of feeble wretches languish in + their coaches and palaces. No, not the wealth of a kingdom can purchase any paint to + dress pale Ugliness in the bloom of that young maiden, nor any drugs to equip Disease + with the vigour of that young man. Do not riches bring us to solicitude instead of + rest, envy instead of affection, and danger instead of safety? Can they prolong their + own possession, or lengthen his days who enjoys them? So far otherwise, that the + sloth, the luxury, the care which attend them, shorten the lives of millions, and + bring them with pain and misery to an untimely grave. Where, then, is their value if + they can neither embellish nor strengthen our forms, sweeten nor prolong our + lives?—Again: Can they adorn the mind more than the body? Do they not rather + swell the heart with vanity, puff up the cheeks with pride, shut our ears to every + call of virtue, and our bowels to every motive of compassion?" "Give me your hand, + brother," said Adams, in a rapture, "for I suppose you are a clergyman."—"No, + truly," answered the other (indeed, he was a priest of the Church of Rome; but those + who understand our laws will not wonder he was not over-ready to own + it).—"Whatever you are," cries Adams, "you have spoken my sentiments: I believe + I have preached every syllable of your speech twenty times over; for it hath always + appeared to me easier for a cable-rope (which by the way is the true rendering of + that word we have translated camel) to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich + man to get into the kingdom of heaven."—"That, sir," said the other, "will be + easily granted you by divines, and is deplorably true; but as the prospect of our + good at a distance doth not so forcibly affect us, it might be of some service to + mankind to be made thoroughly sensible—which I think they might be with very + little serious attention—that even the blessings of this world are not to be + purchased with riches; a doctrine, in my opinion, not only metaphysically, but, if I + may so say, mathematically demonstrable; and which I have been always so perfectly + convinced of that I have a contempt for nothing so much as for gold." Adams now began + a long discourse: but as most which he said occurs among many authors who have + treated this subject, I shall omit inserting it. During its continuance Joseph and + Fanny retired to rest, and the host likewise left the room. When the English parson + had concluded, the Romish resumed the discourse, which he continued with great + bitterness and invective; and at last ended by desiring Adams to lend him + eighteen-pence to pay his reckoning; promising, if he never paid him, he might be + assured of his prayers. The good man answered that eighteen-pence would be too little + to carry him any very long journey; that he had half a guinea in his pocket, which he + would divide with him. He then fell to searching his pockets, but could find no + money; for indeed the company with whom he dined had passed one jest upon him which + we did not then enumerate, and had picked his pocket of all that treasure which he + had so ostentatiously produced.</p> + <p>"Bless me!" cried Adams, "I have certainly lost it; I can never have spent it. + Sir, as I am a Christian, I had a whole half-guinea in my pocket this morning, and + have not now a single halfpenny of it left. Sure the devil must have taken it from + me!"—"Sir," answered the priest, smiling, "you need make no excuses; if you are + not willing to lend me the money, I am contented."—"Sir," cries Adams, "if I + had the greatest sum in the world—aye, if I had ten pounds about me—I + would bestow it all to rescue any Christian from distress. I am more vexed at my loss + on your account than my own. Was ever anything so unlucky? Because I have no money in + my pocket I shall be suspected to be no Christian."—"I am more unlucky," quoth + the other, "if you are as generous as you say; for really a crown would have made me + happy, and conveyed me in plenty to the place I am going, which is not above twenty + miles off, and where I can arrive by to-morrow night. I assure you I am not + accustomed to travel pennyless. I am but just arrived in England; and we were forced + by a storm in our passage to throw all we had overboard. I don't suspect but this + fellow will take my word for the trifle I owe him; but I hate to appear so mean as to + confess myself without a shilling to such people; for these, and indeed too many + others, know little difference in their estimation between a beggar and a thief." + However, he thought he should deal better with the host that evening than the next + morning: he therefore resolved to set out immediately, notwithstanding the darkness; + and accordingly, as soon as the host returned, he communicated to him the situation + of his affairs; upon which the host, scratching his head, answered, "Why, I do not + know, master; if it be so, and you have no money, I must trust, I think, though I had + rather always have ready money if I could; but, marry, you look like so honest a + gentleman that I don't fear your paying me if it was twenty times as much." The + priest made no reply, but, taking leave of him and Adams as fast as he could, not + without confusion, and perhaps with some distrust of Adams's sincerity, departed.</p> + <p>He was no sooner gone than the host fell a-shaking his head, and declared, if he + had suspected the fellow had no money, he would not have drawn him a single drop of + drink, saying he despaired of ever seeing his face again, for that he looked like a + confounded rogue.</p> + <p>"Rabbit the fellow," cries he, "I thought, by his talking so much about riches, + that he had a hundred pounds at least in his pocket." Adams chid him for his + suspicions, which, he said, were not becoming a Christian; and then, without + reflecting on his loss, or considering how he himself should depart in the morning, + he retired to a very homely bed, as his companions had before; however, health and + fatigue gave them a sweeter repose than is often in the power of velvet and down to + bestow.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter9" name="book3chapter9">CHAPTER IX.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Containing as surprizing and bloody adventures as can be found + in this or perhaps any other authentic history.</em></p> + <p>It was almost morning when Joseph Andrews, whose eyes the thoughts of his dear + Fanny had opened, as he lay fondly meditating on that lovely creature, heard a + violent knocking at the door over which he lay. He presently jumped out of bed, and, + opening the window, was asked if there were no travellers in the house? and + presently, by another voice, if two men and a woman had not taken up there their + lodging that night? Though he knew not the voices, he began to entertain a suspicion + of the truth—for indeed he had received some information from one of the + servants of the squire's house of his design—and answered in the negative. One + of the servants, who knew the host well, called out to him by his name just as he had + opened another window, and asked him the same question; to which he answered in the + affirmative. O ho! said another, have we found you? and ordered the host to come down + and open his door. Fanny, who was as wakeful as Joseph, no sooner heard all this than + she leaped from her bed, and, hastily putting on her gown and petticoats, ran as fast + as possible to Joseph's room, who then was almost drest. He immediately let her in, + and, embracing her with the most passionate tenderness, bid her fear nothing, for he + would die in her defence. "Is that a reason why I should not fear," says she, "when I + should lose what is dearer to me than the whole world?" Joseph, then kissing her + hand, said, "He could almost thank the occasion which had extorted from her a + tenderness she would never indulge him with before." He then ran and waked his + bedfellow Adams, who was yet fast asleep, notwithstanding many calls from Joseph; but + was no sooner made sensible of their danger than he leaped from his bed, without + considering the presence of Fanny, who hastily turned her face from him, and enjoyed + a double benefit from the dark, which, as it would have prevented any offence, to an + innocence less pure, or a modesty less delicate, so it concealed even those blushes + which were raised in her.</p> + <p>Adams had soon put on all his clothes but his breeches, which, in the hurry, he + forgot; however, they were pretty well supplied by the length of his other garments; + and now, the house-door being opened, the captain, the poet, the player, and three + servants came in. The captain told the host that two fellows, who were in his house, + had run away with a young woman, and desired to know in which room she lay. The host, + who presently believed the story, directed them, and instantly the captain and poet, + justling one another, ran up. The poet, who was the nimblest, entering the chamber + first, searched the bed, and every other part, but to no purpose; the bird was flown, + as the impatient reader, who might otherwise have been in pain for her, was before + advertised. They then enquired where the men lay, and were approaching the chamber, + when Joseph roared out, in a loud voice, that he would shoot the first man who + offered to attack the door. The captain enquired what fire-arms they had; to which + the host answered, he believed they had none; nay, he was almost convinced of it, for + he had heard one ask the other in the evening what they should have done if they had + been overtaken, when they had no arms; to which the other answered, they would have + defended themselves with their sticks as long as they were able, and God would assist + a just cause. This satisfied the captain, but not the poet, who prudently retreated + downstairs, saying, it was his business to record great actions, and not to do them. + The captain was no sooner well satisfied that there were no fire-arms than, bidding + defiance to gunpowder, and swearing he loved the smell of it, he ordered the servants + to follow him, and, marching boldly up, immediately attempted to force the door, + which the servants soon helped him to accomplish. When it was opened, they discovered + the enemy drawn up three deep; Adams in the front, and Fanny in the rear. The captain + told Adams that if they would go all back to the house again they should be civilly + treated; but unless they consented he had orders to carry the young lady with him, + whom there was great reason to believe they had stolen from her parents; for, + notwithstanding her disguise, her air, which she could not conceal, sufficiently + discovered her birth to be infinitely superior to theirs. Fanny, bursting into tears, + solemnly assured him he was mistaken; that she was a poor helpless foundling, and had + no relation in the world which she knew of; and, throwing herself on her knees, + begged that he would not attempt to take her from her friends, who, she was + convinced, would die before they would lose her; which Adams confirmed with words not + far from amounting to an oath. The captain swore he had no leisure to talk, and, + bidding them thank themselves for what happened, he ordered the servants to fall on, + at the same time endeavouring to pass by Adams, in order to lay hold on Fanny; but + the parson, interrupting him, received a blow from one of them, which, without + considering whence it came, he returned to the captain, and gave him so dexterous a + knock in that part of the stomach which is vulgarly called the pit, that he staggered + some paces backwards. The captain, who was not accustomed to this kind of play, and + who wisely apprehended the consequence of such another blow, two of them seeming to + him equal to a thrust through the body, drew forth his hanger, as Adams approached + him, and was levelling a blow at his head, which would probably have silenced the + preacher for ever, had not Joseph in that instant lifted up a certain huge stone pot + of the chamber with one hand, which six beaus could not have lifted with both, and + discharged it, together with the contents, full in the captain's face. The uplifted + hanger dropped from his hand, and he fell prostrated on the floor with a lumpish + noise, and his halfpence rattled in his pocket; the red liquor which his veins + contained, and the white liquor which the pot contained, ran in one stream down his + face and his clothes. Nor had Adams quite escaped, some of the water having in its + passage shed its honours on his head, and began to trickle down the wrinkles or + rather furrows of his cheeks, when one of the servants, snatching a mop out of a pail + of water, which had already done its duty in washing the house, pushed it in the + parson's face; yet could not he bear him down, for the parson, wresting the mop from + the fellow with one hand, with the other brought his enemy as low as the earth, + having given him a stroke over that part of the face where, in some men of pleasure, + the natural and artificial noses are conjoined.</p> + <p>Hitherto, Fortune seemed to incline the victory on the travellers' side, when, + according to her custom, she began to show the fickleness of her disposition; for now + the host, entering the field, or rather chamber of battle, flew directly at Joseph, + and, darting his head into his stomach (for he was a stout fellow and an expert + boxer), almost staggered him: but Joseph, stepping one leg back, did with his left + hand so chuck him under the chin that he reeled. The youth was pursuing his blow with + his right hand when he received from one of the servants such a stroke with a cudgel + on his temples, that it instantly deprived him of sense, and he measured his length + on the ground.</p> + <p>Fanny rent the air with her cries, and Adams was coming to the assistance of + Joseph; but the two serving-men and the host now fell on him, and soon subdued him, + though he fought like a madman, and looked so black with the impressions he had + received from the mop, that Don Quixote would certainly have taken him for an + inchanted Moor. But now follows the most tragical part; for the captain was risen + again, and, seeing Joseph on the floor, and Adams secured, he instantly laid hold on + Fanny, and, with the assistance of the poet and player, who, hearing the battle was + over, were now come up, dragged her, crying and tearing her hair, from the sight of + her Joseph, and, with a perfect deafness to all her entreaties, carried her + downstairs by violence, and fastened her on the player's horse; and the captain, + mounting his own, and leading that on which this poor miserable wretch was, departed, + without any more consideration of her cries than a butcher hath of those of a lamb; + for indeed his thoughts were entertained only with the degree of favour which he + promised himself from the squire on the success of this adventure.</p> + <p>The servants, who were ordered to secure Adams and Joseph as safe as possible, + that the squire might receive no interruption to his design on poor Fanny, + immediately, by the poet's advice, tied Adams to one of the bed-posts, as they did + Joseph on the other side, as soon as they could bring him to himself; and then, + leaving them together, back to back, and desiring the host not to set them at + liberty, nor to go near them, till he had further orders, they departed towards their + master; but happened to take a different road from that which the captain had fallen + into.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter10" name="book3chapter10">CHAPTER X.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A discourse between the poet and the player; of no other use + in this history but to divert the reader.</em></p> + <p>Before we proceed any farther in this tragedy we shall leave Mr Joseph and Mr + Adams to themselves, and imitate the wise conductors of the stage, who in the midst + of a grave action entertain you with some excellent piece of satire or humour called + a dance. Which piece, indeed, is therefore danced, and not spoke, as it is delivered + to the audience by persons whose thinking faculty is by most people held to lie in + their heels; and to whom, as well as heroes, who think with their hands, Nature hath + only given heads for the sake of conformity, and as they are of use in dancing, to + hang their hats on.</p> + <p>The poet, addressing the player, proceeded thus, "As I was saying" (for they had + been at this discourse all the time of the engagement above-stairs), "the reason you + have no good new plays is evident; it is from your discouragement of authors. + Gentlemen will not write, sir, they will not write, without the expectation of fame + or profit, or perhaps both. Plays are like trees, which will not grow without + nourishment; but like mushrooms, they shoot up spontaneously, as it were, in a rich + soil. The muses, like vines, may be pruned, but not with a hatchet. The town, like a + peevish child, knows not what it desires, and is always best pleased with a rattle. A + farce-writer hath indeed some chance for success: but they have lost all taste for + the sublime. Though I believe one reason of their depravity is the badness of the + actors. If a man writes like an angel, sir, those fellows know not how to give a + sentiment utterance."—"Not so fast," says the player: "the modern actors are as + good at least as their authors, nay, they come nearer their illustrious predecessors; + and I expect a Booth on the stage again, sooner than a Shakespear or an Otway; and + indeed I may turn your observation against you, and with truth say, that the reason + no authors are encouraged is because we have no good new plays."—"I have not + affirmed the contrary," said the poet; "but I am surprized you grow so warm; you + cannot imagine yourself interested in this dispute; I hope you have a better opinion + of my taste than to apprehend I squinted at yourself. No, sir, if we had six such + actors as you, we should soon rival the Bettertons and Sandfords of former times; + for, without a compliment to you, I think it impossible for any one to have excelled + you in most of your parts. Nay, it is solemn truth, and I have heard many, and all + great judges, express as much; and, you will pardon me if I tell you, I think every + time I have seen you lately you have constantly acquired some new excellence, like a + snowball. You have deceived me in my estimation of perfection, and have outdone what + I thought inimitable."—"You are as little interested," answered the player, "in + what I have said of other poets; for d—n me if there are not many strokes, ay, + whole scenes, in your last tragedy, which at least equal Shakespear. There is a + delicacy of sentiment, a dignity of expression in it, which I will own many of our + gentlemen did not do adequate justice to. To confess the truth, they are bad enough, + and I pity an author who is present at the murder of his works."—"Nay, it is + but seldom that it can happen," returned the poet; "the works of most modern authors, + like dead-born children, cannot be murdered. It is such wretched half-begotten, + half-writ, lifeless, spiritless, low, grovelling stuff, that I almost pity the actor + who is obliged to get it by heart, which must be almost as difficult to remember as + words in a language you don't understand."—"I am sure," said the player, "if + the sentences have little meaning when they are writ, when they are spoken they have + less. I know scarce one who ever lays an emphasis right, and much less adapts his + action to his character. I have seen a tender lover in an attitude of fighting with + his mistress, and a brave hero suing to his enemy with his sword in his hand. I don't + care to abuse my profession, but rot me if in my heart I am not inclined to the + poet's side."—"It is rather generous in you than just," said the poet; "and, + though I hate to speak ill of any person's production—nay, I never do it, nor + will—but yet, to do justice to the actors, what could Booth or Betterton have + made of such horrible stuff as Fenton's Mariamne, Frowd's Philotas, or Mallet's + Eurydice; or those low, dirty, last-dying-speeches, which a fellow in the city of + Wapping, your Dillo or Lillo, what was his name, called tragedies?"—"Very + well," says the player; "and pray what do you think of such fellows as Quin and + Delane, or that face-making puppy young Cibber, that ill-looked dog Macklin, or that + saucy slut Mrs Clive? What work would they make with your Shakespears, Otways, and + Lees? How would those harmonious lines of the last come from their + tongues?—</p> + <blockquote> + "'—No more; for I disdain<br /> + All pomp when thou art by: far be the noise<br /> + Of kings and crowns from us, whose gentle souls<br /> + Our kinder fates have steer'd another way.<br /> + Free as the forest birds we'll pair together,<br /> + Without rememb'ring who our fathers were:<br /> + Fly to the arbors, grots, and flow'ry meads;<br /> + There in soft murmurs interchange our souls;<br /> + Together drink the crystal of the stream,<br /> + Or taste the yellow fruit which autumn yields,<br /> + And, when the golden evening calls us home,<br /> + Wing to our downy nests, and sleep till morn.'<br /> + </blockquote> + <p>"Or how would this disdain of Otway—</p> + <blockquote> + "'Who'd be that foolish sordid thing call'd man?'" + </blockquote> + <p>"Hold! hold! hold!" said the poet: "Do repeat that tender speech in the third act + of my play which you made such a figure in."—"I would willingly," said the + player, "but I have forgot it."—"Ay, you was not quite perfect in it when you + played it," cries the poet, "or you would have had such an applause as was never + given on the stage; an applause I was extremely concerned for your + losing."—"Sure," says the player, "if I remember, that was hissed more than any + passage in the whole play."—"Ay, your speaking it was hissed," said the + poet.—"My speaking it!" said the player.—"I mean your not speaking it," + said the poet. "You was out, and then they hissed."—"They hissed, and then I + was out, if I remember," answered the player; "and I must say this for myself, that + the whole audience allowed I did your part justice; so don't lay the damnation of + your play to my account."—"I don't know what you mean by damnation," replied + the poet.—"Why, you know it was acted but one night," cried the + player.—"No," said the poet, "you and the whole town were enemies; the pit were + all my enemies, fellows that would cut my throat, if the fear of hanging did not + restrain them. All taylors, sir, all taylors."—"Why should the taylors be so + angry with you?" cries the player. "I suppose you don't employ so many in making your + clothes."—"I admit your jest," answered the poet; "but you remember the affair + as well as myself; you know there was a party in the pit and upper gallery that would + not suffer it to be given out again; though much, ay infinitely, the majority, all + the boxes in particular, were desirous of it; nay, most of the ladies swore they + never would come to the house till it was acted again. Indeed, I must own their + policy was good in not letting it be given out a second time: for the rascals knew if + it had gone a second night it would have run fifty; for if ever there was distress in + a tragedy—I am not fond of my own performance; but if I should tell you what + the best judges said of it—Nor was it entirely owing to my enemies neither that + it did not succeed on the stage as well as it hath since among the polite readers; + for you can't say it had justice done it by the performers."—"I think," + answered the player, "the performers did the distress of it justice; for I am sure we + were in distress enough, who were pelted with oranges all the last act: we all + imagined it would have been the last act of our lives."</p> + <p>The poet, whose fury was now raised, had just attempted to answer when they were + interrupted, and an end put to their discourse, by an accident, which if the reader + is impatient to know, he must skip over the next chapter, which is a sort of + counterpart to this, and contains some of the best and gravest matters in the whole + book, being a discourse between parson Abraham Adams and Mr Joseph Andrews.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter11" name="book3chapter11">CHAPTER XI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Containing the exhortations of parson Adams to his friend in + affliction; calculated for the instruction and improvement of the reader.</em></p> + <p>Joseph no sooner came perfectly to himself than, perceiving his mistress gone, he + bewailed her loss with groans which would have pierced any heart but those which are + possessed by some people, and are made of a certain composition not unlike flint in + its hardness and other properties; for you may strike fire from them, which will dart + through the eyes, but they can never distil one drop of water the same way. His own, + poor youth! was of a softer composition; and at those words, "O my dear Fanny! O my + love! shall I never, never see thee more?" his eyes overflowed with tears, which + would have become any but a hero. In a word, his despair was more easy to be + conceived than related.</p> + <p>Mr Adams, after many groans, sitting with his back to Joseph, began thus in a + sorrowful tone: "You cannot imagine, my good child, that I entirely blame these first + agonies of your grief; for, when misfortunes attack us by surprize, it must require + infinitely more learning than you are master of to resist them; but it is the + business of a man and a Christian to summon Reason as quickly as he can to his aid; + and she will presently teach him patience and submission. Be comforted, therefore, + child; I say be comforted. It is true, you have lost the prettiest, kindest, + loveliest, sweetest young woman, one with whom you might have expected to have lived + in happiness, virtue, and innocence; by whom you might have promised yourself many + little darlings, who would have been the delight of your youth and the comfort of + your age. You have not only lost her, but have reason to fear the utmost violence + which lust and power can inflict upon her. Now, indeed, you may easily raise ideas of + horror, which might drive you to despair."—"O I shall run mad!" cries Joseph. + "O that I could but command my hands to tear my eyes out and my flesh off!"—"If + you would use them to such purposes, I am glad you can't," answered Adams. "I have + stated your misfortune as strong as I possibly can; but, on the other side, you are + to consider you are a Christian, that no accident happens to us without the Divine + permission, and that it is the duty of a man, and a Christian, to submit. We did not + make ourselves; but the same power which made us rules over us, and we are absolutely + at his disposal; he may do with us what he pleases, nor have we any right to + complain. A second reason against our complaint is our ignorance; for, as we know not + future events, so neither can we tell to what purpose any accident tends; and that + which at first threatens us with evil may in the end produce our good. I should + indeed have said our ignorance is twofold (but I have not at present time to divide + properly), for, as we know not to what purpose any event is ultimately directed, so + neither can we affirm from what cause it originally sprung. You are a man, and + consequently a sinner; and this may be a punishment to you for your sins: indeed in + this sense it may be esteemed as a good, yea, as the greatest good, which satisfies + the anger of Heaven, and averts that wrath which cannot continue without our + destruction. Thirdly, our impotency of relieving ourselves demonstrates the folly and + absurdity of our complaints: for whom do we resist, or against whom do we complain, + but a power from whose shafts no armour can guard us, no speed can fly?—a power + which leaves us no hope but in submission." "O sir!" cried Joseph, "all this is very + true, and very fine, and I could hear you all day if I was not so grieved at heart as + now I am."—"Would you take physic," says Adams, "when you are well, and refuse + it when you are sick? Is not comfort to be administered to the afflicted, and not to + those who rejoice or those who are at ease?" "O! you have not spoken one word of + comfort to me yet!" returned Joseph. "No!" cries Adams; "what am I then doing? what + can I say to comfort you?" "O tell me," cries Joseph, "that Fanny will escape back to + my arms, that they shall again enclose that lovely creature, with all her sweetness, + all her untainted innocence about her!" "Why, perhaps you may," cries Adams, "but I + can't promise you what's to come. You must, with perfect resignation, wait the event: + if she be restored to you again, it is your duty to be thankful, and so it is if she + be not. Joseph, if you are wise and truly know your own interest, you will peaceably + and quietly submit to all the dispensations of Providence, being thoroughly assured + that all the misfortunes, how great soever, which happen to the righteous, happen to + them for their own good. Nay, it is not your interest only, but your duty, to abstain + from immoderate grief; which if you indulge, you are not worthy the name of a + Christian." He spoke these last words with an accent a little severer than usual; + upon which Joseph begged him not to be angry, saying, he mistook him if he thought he + denied it was his duty, for he had known that long ago. "What signifies knowing your + duty, if you do not perform it?" answered Adams. "Your knowledge increases your + guilt. O Joseph! I never thought you had this stubbornness in your mind." Joseph + replied, "He fancied he misunderstood him; which I assure you," says he, "you do, if + you imagine I endeavour to grieve; upon my soul I don't." Adams rebuked him for + swearing, and then proceeded to enlarge on the folly of grief, telling him, all the + wise men and philosophers, even among the heathens, had written against it, quoting + several passages from Seneca, and the Consolation, which, though it was not Cicero's, + was, he said, as good almost as any of his works; and concluded all by hinting that + immoderate grief in this case might incense that power which alone could restore him + his Fanny. This reason, or indeed rather the idea which it raised of the restoration + of his mistress, had more effect than all which the parson had said before, and for a + moment abated his agonies; but, when his fears sufficiently set before his eyes the + danger that poor creature was in, his grief returned again with repeated violence, + nor could Adams in the least asswage it; though it may be doubted in his behalf + whether Socrates himself could have prevailed any better.</p> + <p>They remained some time in silence, and groans and sighs issued from them both; at + length Joseph burst out into the following soliloquy:—</p> + <blockquote> + "Yes, I will bear my sorrows like a man,<br /> + But I must also feel them as a man.<br /> + I cannot but remember such things were,<br /> + And were most dear to me." + </blockquote> + <p>Adams asked him what stuff that was he repeated? To which he answered, they were + some lines he had gotten by heart out of a play. "Ay, there is nothing but heathenism + to be learned from plays," replied he. "I never heard of any plays fit for a + Christian to read, but Cato and the Conscious Lovers; and, I must own, in the latter + there are some things almost solemn enough for a sermon." But we shall now leave them + a little, and enquire after the subject of their conversation.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter12" name="book3chapter12">CHAPTER XII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>More adventures, which we hope will as much please as surprize + the reader.</em></p> + <p>Neither the facetious dialogue which passed between the poet and the player, nor + the grave and truly solemn discourse of Mr Adams, will, we conceive, make the reader + sufficient amends for the anxiety which he must have felt on the account of poor + Fanny, whom we left in so deplorable a condition. We shall therefore now proceed to + the relation of what happened to that beautiful and innocent virgin, after she fell + into the wicked hands of the captain.</p> + <p>The man of war, having conveyed his charming prize out of the inn a little before + day, made the utmost expedition in his power towards the squire's house, where this + delicate creature was to be offered up a sacrifice to the lust of a ravisher. He was + not only deaf to all her bewailings and entreaties on the road, but accosted her ears + with impurities which, having been never before accustomed to them, she happily for + herself very little understood. At last he changed his note, and attempted to soothe + and mollify her, by setting forth the splendor and luxury which would be her fortune + with a man who would have the inclination, and power too, to give her whatever her + utmost wishes could desire; and told her he doubted not but she would soon look + kinder on him, as the instrument of her happiness, and despise that pitiful fellow + whom her ignorance only could make her fond of. She answered, she knew not whom he + meant; she never was fond of any pitiful fellow. "Are you affronted, madam," says he, + "at my calling him so? But what better can be said of one in a livery, + notwithstanding your fondness for him?" She returned, that she did not understand + him, that the man had been her fellow-servant, and she believed was as honest a + creature as any alive; but as for fondness for men—"I warrant ye," cries the + captain, "we shall find means to persuade you to be fond; and I advise you to yield + to gentle ones, for you may be assured that it is not in your power, by any struggles + whatever, to preserve your virginity two hours longer. It will be your interest to + consent; for the squire will be much kinder to you if he enjoys you willingly than by + force." At which words she began to call aloud for assistance (for it was now open + day), but, finding none, she lifted her eyes to heaven, and supplicated the Divine + assistance to preserve her innocence. The captain told her, if she persisted in her + vociferation, he would find a means of stopping her mouth. And now the poor wretch, + perceiving no hopes of succour, abandoned herself to despair, and, sighing out the + name of Joseph! Joseph! a river of tears ran down her lovely cheeks, and wet the + handkerchief which covered her bosom. A horseman now appeared in the road, upon which + the captain threatened her violently if she complained; however, the moment they + approached each other she begged him with the utmost earnestness to relieve a + distressed creature who was in the hands of a ravisher. The fellow stopt at those + words, but the captain assured him it was his wife, and that he was carrying her home + from her adulterer, which so satisfied the fellow, who was an old one (and perhaps a + married one too), that he wished him a good journey, and rode on. He was no sooner + past than the captain abused her violently for breaking his commands, and threatened + to gagg her, when two more horsemen, armed with pistols, came into the road just + before them. She again solicited their assistance, and the captain told the same + story as before. Upon which one said to the other, "That's a charming wench, Jack; I + wish I had been in the fellow's place, whoever he is." But the other, instead of + answering him, cried out, "Zounds, I know her;" and then, turning to her, said, "Sure + you are not Fanny Goodwill?"—"Indeed, indeed, I am," she cried—"O John, I know + you now-Heaven hath sent you to my assistance, to deliver me from this wicked man, + who is carrying me away for his vile purposes—O for God's sake rescue me from him!" A + fierce dialogue immediately ensued between the captain and these two men, who, being + both armed with pistols, and the chariot which they attended being now arrived, the + captain saw both force and stratagem were vain, and endeavoured to make his escape, + in which however he could not succeed. The gentleman who rode in the chariot ordered + it to stop, and with an air of authority examined into the merits of the cause; of + which being advertised by Fanny, whose credit was confirmed by the fellow who knew + her, he ordered the captain, who was all bloody from his encounter at the inn, to be + conveyed as a prisoner behind the chariot, and very gallantly took Fanny into it; + for, to say the truth, this gentleman (who was no other than the celebrated Mr Peter + Pounce, and who preceded the Lady Booby only a few miles, by setting out earlier in + the morning) was a very gallant person, and loved a pretty girl better than anything + besides his own money or the money of other people.</p> + <p>The chariot now proceeded towards the inn, which, as Fanny was informed, lay in + their way, and where it arrived at that very time while the poet and player were + disputing below-stairs, and Adams and Joseph were discoursing back to back above; + just at that period to which we brought them both in the two preceding chapters the + chariot stopt at the door, and in an instant Fanny, leaping from it, ran up to her + Joseph.—O reader! conceive if thou canst the joy which fired the breasts of + these lovers on this meeting; and if thy own heart doth not sympathetically assist + thee in this conception, I pity thee sincerely from my own; for let the hard-hearted + villain know this, that there is a pleasure in a tender sensation beyond any which he + is capable of tasting.</p> + <p>Peter, being informed by Fanny of the presence of Adams, stopt to see him, and + receive his homage; for, as Peter was an hypocrite, a sort of people whom Mr Adams + never saw through, the one paid that respect to his seeming goodness which the other + believed to be paid to his riches; hence Mr Adams was so much his favourite, that he + once lent him four pounds thirteen shillings and sixpence to prevent his going to + gaol, on no greater security than a bond and judgment, which probably he would have + made no use of, though the money had not been (as it was) paid exactly at the + time.</p> + <p>It is not perhaps easy to describe the figure of Adams; he had risen in such a + hurry, that he had on neither breeches, garters, nor stockings; nor had he taken from + his head a red spotted handkerchief, which by night bound his wig, turned inside out, + around his head. He had on his torn cassock and his greatcoat; but, as the remainder + of his cassock hung down below his greatcoat, so did a small stripe of white, or + rather whitish, linen appear below that; to which we may add the several colours + which appeared on his face, where a long piss-burnt beard served to retain the liquor + of the stone-pot, and that of a blacker hue which distilled from the mop.—This + figure, which Fanny had delivered from his captivity, was no sooner spied by Peter + than it disordered the composed gravity of his muscles; however, he advised him + immediately to make himself clean, nor would accept his homage in that pickle.</p> + <p>The poet and player no sooner saw the captain in captivity than they began to + consider of their own safety, of which flight presented itself as the only means; + they therefore both of them mounted the poet's horse, and made the most expeditious + retreat in their power.</p> + <p>The host, who well knew Mr Pounce and Lady Booby's livery, was not a little + surprized at this change of the scene; nor was his confusion much helped by his wife, + who was now just risen, and, having heard from him the account of what had passed, + comforted him with a decent number of fools and blockheads; asked him why he did not + consult her, and told him he would never leave following the nonsensical dictates of + his own numskull till she and her family were ruined.</p> + <p>Joseph, being informed of the captain's arrival, and seeing his Fanny now in + safety, quitted her a moment, and, running downstairs, went directly to him, and + stripping off his coat, challenged him to fight; but the captain refused, saying he + did not understand boxing. He then grasped a cudgel in one hand, and, catching the + captain by the collar with the other, gave him a most severe drubbing, and ended with + telling him he had now had some revenge for what his dear Fanny had suffered.</p> + <p>When Mr Pounce had a little regaled himself with some provision which he had in + his chariot, and Mr Adams had put on the best appearance his clothes would allow him, + Pounce ordered the captain into his presence, for he said he was guilty of felony, + and the next justice of peace should commit him; but the servants (whose appetite for + revenge is soon satisfied), being sufficiently contented with the drubbing which + Joseph had inflicted on him, and which was indeed of no very moderate kind, had + suffered him to go off, which he did, threatening a severe revenge against Joseph, + which I have never heard he thought proper to take.</p> + <p>The mistress of the house made her voluntary appearance before Mr Pounce, and with + a thousand curtsies told him, "She hoped his honour would pardon her husband, who was + a very nonsense man, for the sake of his poor family; that indeed if he could be + ruined alone, she should be very willing of it; for because as why, his worship very + well knew he deserved it; but she had three poor small children, who were not capable + to get their own living; and if her husband was sent to gaol, they must all come to + the parish; for she was a poor weak woman, continually a-breeding, and had no time to + work for them. She therefore hoped his honour would take it into his worship's + consideration, and forgive her husband this time; for she was sure he never intended + any harm to man, woman, or child; and if it was not for that block-head of his own, + the man in some things was well enough; for she had had three children by him in less + than three years, and was almost ready to cry out the fourth time." She would have + proceeded in this manner much longer, had not Peter stopt her tongue, by telling her + he had nothing to say to her husband nor her neither. So, as Adams and the rest had + assured her of forgiveness, she cried and curtsied out of the room.</p> + <p>Mr Pounce was desirous that Fanny should continue her journey with him in the + chariot; but she absolutely refused, saying she would ride behind Joseph on a horse + which one of Lady Booby's servants had equipped him with. But, alas! when the horse + appeared, it was found to be no other than that identical beast which Mr Adams had + left behind him at the inn, and which these honest fellows, who knew him, had + redeemed. Indeed, whatever horse they had provided for Joseph, they would have + prevailed with him to mount none, no, not even to ride before his beloved Fanny, till + the parson was supplied; much less would he deprive his friend of the beast which + belonged to him, and which he knew the moment he saw, though Adams did not; however, + when he was reminded of the affair, and told that they had brought the horse with + them which he left behind, he answered—Bless me! and so I did.</p> + <p>Adams was very desirous that Joseph and Fanny should mount this horse, and + declared he could very easily walk home. "If I walked alone," says he, "I would wage + a shilling that the pedestrian outstripped the equestrian travellers; but, as I + intend to take the company of a pipe, peradventure I may be an hour later." One of + the servants whispered Joseph to take him at his word, and suffer the old put to walk + if he would: this proposal was answered with an angry look and a peremptory refusal + by Joseph, who, catching Fanny up in his arms, averred he would rather carry her home + in that manner, than take away Mr Adams's horse and permit him to walk on foot.</p> + <p>Perhaps, reader, thou hast seen a contest between two gentlemen, or two ladies, + quickly decided, though they have both asserted they would not eat such a nice + morsel, and each insisted on the other's accepting it; but in reality both were very + desirous to swallow it themselves. Do not therefore conclude hence that this dispute + would have come to a speedy decision: for here both parties were heartily in earnest, + and it is very probable they would have remained in the inn-yard to this day, had not + the good Peter Pounce put a stop to it; for, finding he had no longer hopes of + satisfying his old appetite with Fanny, and being desirous of having some one to whom + he might communicate his grandeur, he told the parson he would convey him home in his + chariot. This favour was by Adams, with many bows and acknowledgments, accepted, + though he afterwards said, "he ascended the chariot rather that he might not offend + than from any desire of riding in it, for that in his heart he preferred the + pedestrian even to the vehicular expedition." All matters being now settled, the + chariot, in which rode Adams and Pounce, moved forwards; and Joseph having borrowed a + pillion from the host, Fanny had just seated herself thereon, and had laid hold of + the girdle which her lover wore for that purpose, when the wise beast, who concluded + that one at a time was sufficient, that two to one were odds, &c., discovered + much uneasiness at his double load, and began to consider his hinder as his fore + legs, moving the direct contrary way to that which is called forwards. Nor could + Joseph, with all his horsemanship, persuade him to advance; but, without having any + regard to the lovely part of the lovely girl which was on his back, he used such + agitations, that, had not one of the men come immediately to her assistance, she had, + in plain English, tumbled backwards on the ground. This inconvenience was presently + remedied by an exchange of horses; and then Fanny being again placed on her pillion, + on a better-natured and somewhat a better-fed beast, the parson's horse, finding he + had no longer odds to contend with, agreed to march; and the whole procession set + forwards for Booby-hall, where they arrived in a few hours without anything + remarkable happening on the road, unless it was a curious dialogue between the parson + and the steward: which, to use the language of a late Apologist, a pattern to all + biographers, "waits for the reader in the next chapter."</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book3chapter13" name="book3chapter13">CHAPTER XIII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A curious dialogue which passed between Mr Abraham Adams and + Mr Peter Pounce, better worth reading than all the works of Colley Cibber and many + others.</em></p> + <p>The chariot had not proceeded far before Mr Adams observed it was a very fine day. + "Ay, and a very fine country too," answered Pounce.—"I should think so more," + returned Adams, "if I had not lately travelled over the Downs, which I take to exceed + this and all other prospects in the universe."—"A fig for prospects!" answered + Pounce; "one acre here is worth ten there; and for my own part, I have no delight in + the prospect of any land but my own."—"Sir," said Adams, "you can indulge + yourself with many fine prospects of that kind."—"I thank God I have a little," + replied the other, "with which I am content, and envy no man: I have a little, Mr + Adams, with which I do as much good as I can." Adams answered, "That riches without + charity were nothing worth; for that they were a blessing only to him who made them a + blessing to others."—"You and I," said Peter, "have different notions of + charity. I own, as it is generally used, I do not like the word, nor do I think it + becomes one of us gentlemen; it is a mean parson-like quality; though I would not + infer many parsons have it neither."—"Sir," said Adams, "my definition of + charity is, a generous disposition to relieve the distressed."—"There is + something in that definition," answered Peter, "which I like well enough; it is, as + you say, a disposition, and does not so much consist in the act as in the disposition + to do it. But, alas! Mr Adams, who are meant by the distressed? Believe me, the + distresses of mankind are mostly imaginary, and it would be rather folly than + goodness to relieve them."—"Sure, sir," replied Adams, "hunger and thirst, cold + and nakedness, and other distresses which attend the poor, can never be said to be + imaginary evils."—"How can any man complain of hunger," said Peter, "in a + country where such excellent salads are to be gathered in almost every field? or of + thirst, where every river and stream produces such delicious potations? And as for + cold and nakedness, they are evils introduced by luxury and custom. A man naturally + wants clothes no more than a horse or any other animal; and there are whole nations + who go without them; but these are things perhaps which you, who do not know the + world"—"You will pardon me, sir," returned Adams; "I have read of the + Gymnosophists."—"A plague of your Jehosaphats!" cried Peter; "the greatest + fault in our constitution is the provision made for the poor, except that perhaps + made for some others. Sir, I have not an estate which doth not contribute almost as + much again to the poor as to the land-tax; and I do assure you I expect to come + myself to the parish in the end." To which Adams giving a dissenting smile, Peter + thus proceeded: "I fancy, Mr Adams, you are one of those who imagine I am a lump of + money; for there are many who, I fancy, believe that not only my pockets, but my + whole clothes, are lined with bank-bills; but I assure you, you are all mistaken; I + am not the man the world esteems me. If I can hold my head above water it is all I + can. I have injured myself by purchasing. I have been too liberal of my money. + Indeed, I fear my heir will find my affairs in a worse situation than they are + reputed to be. Ah! he will have reason to wish I had loved money more and land less. + Pray, my good neighbour, where should I have that quantity of riches the world is so + liberal to bestow on me? Where could I possibly, without I had stole it, acquire such + a treasure?" "Why, truly," says Adams, "I have been always of your opinion; I have + wondered as well as yourself with what confidence they could report such things of + you, which have to me appeared as mere impossibilities; for you know, sir, and I have + often heard you say it, that your wealth is of your own acquisition; and can it be + credible that in your short time you should have amassed such a heap of treasure as + these people will have you worth? Indeed, had you inherited an estate like Sir Thomas + Booby, which had descended in your family for many generations, they might have had a + colour for their assertions." "Why, what do they say I am worth?" cries Peter, with a + malicious sneer. "Sir," answered Adams, "I have heard some aver you are not worth + less than twenty thousand pounds." At which Peter frowned. "Nay, sir," said Adams, + "you ask me only the opinion of others; for my own part, I have always denied it, nor + did I ever believe you could possibly be worth half that sum." "However, Mr Adams," + said he, squeezing him by the hand, "I would not sell them all I am worth for double + that sum; and as to what you believe, or they believe, I care not a fig, no not a + fart. I am not poor because you think me so, nor because you attempt to undervalue me + in the country. I know the envy of mankind very well; but I thank Heaven I am above + them. It is true, my wealth is of my own acquisition. I have not an estate, like Sir + Thomas Booby, that has descended in my family through many generations; but I know + heirs of such estates who are forced to travel about the country like some people in + torn cassocks, and might be glad to accept of a pitiful curacy for what I know. Yes, + sir, as shabby fellows as yourself, whom no man of my figure, without that vice of + good-nature about him, would suffer to ride in a chariot with him." "Sir," said + Adams, "I value not your chariot of a rush; and if I had known you had intended to + affront me, I would have walked to the world's end on foot ere I would have accepted + a place in it. However, sir, I will soon rid you of that inconvenience;" and, so + saying, he opened the chariot door, without calling to the coachman, and leapt out + into the highway, forgetting to take his hat along with him; which, however, Mr + Pounce threw after him with great violence. Joseph and Fanny stopt to bear him + company the rest of the way, which was not above a mile.</p> + <hr /> + <h2>BOOK IV.</h2> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter1" name="book4chapter1">CHAPTER I.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>The arrival of Lady Booby and the rest at Booby-hall.</em></p> + <p>The coach and six, in which Lady Booby rode, overtook the other travellers as they + entered the parish. She no sooner saw Joseph than her cheeks glowed with red, and + immediately after became as totally pale. She had in her surprize almost stopt her + coach; but recollected herself timely enough to prevent it. She entered the parish + amidst the ringing of bells and the acclamations of the poor, who were rejoiced to + see their patroness returned after so long an absence, during which time all her + rents had been drafted to London, without a shilling being spent among them, which + tended not a little to their utter impoverishing; for, if the court would be severely + missed in such a city as London, how much more must the absence of a person of great + fortune be felt in a little country village, for whose inhabitants such a family + finds a constant employment and supply; and with the offals of whose table the + infirm, aged, and infant poor are abundantly fed, with a generosity which hath scarce + a visible effect on their benefactors' pockets!</p> + <p>But, if their interest inspired so public a joy into every countenance, how much + more forcibly did the affection which they bore parson Adams operate upon all who + beheld his return! They flocked about him like dutiful children round an indulgent + parent, and vyed with each other in demonstrations of duty and love. The parson on + his side shook every one by the hand, enquired heartily after the healths of all that + were absent, of their children, and relations; and exprest a satisfaction in his face + which nothing but benevolence made happy by its objects could infuse.</p> + <p>Nor did Joseph and Fanny want a hearty welcome from all who saw them. In short, no + three persons could be more kindly received, as, indeed, none ever more deserved to + be universally beloved.</p> + <p>Adams carried his fellow-travellers home to his house, where he insisted on their + partaking whatever his wife, whom, with his children, he found in health and joy, + could provide:—where we shall leave them enjoying perfect happiness over a + homely meal, to view scenes of greater splendour, but infinitely less bliss.</p> + <p>Our more intelligent readers will doubtless suspect, by this second appearance of + Lady Booby on the stage, that all was not ended by the dismission of Joseph; and, to + be honest with them, they are in the right: the arrow had pierced deeper than she + imagined; nor was the wound so easily to be cured. The removal of the object soon + cooled her rage, but it had a different effect on her love; that departed with his + person, but this remained lurking in her mind with his image. Restless, interrupted + slumbers, and confused horrible dreams were her portion the first night. In the + morning, fancy painted her a more delicious scene; but to delude, not delight her; + for, before she could reach the promised happiness, it vanished, and left her to + curse, not bless, the vision.</p> + <p>She started from her sleep, her imagination being all on fire with the phantom, + when, her eyes accidentally glancing towards the spot where yesterday the real Joseph + had stood, that little circumstance raised his idea in the liveliest colours in her + memory. Each look, each word, each gesture rushed back on her mind with charms which + all his coldness could not abate. Nay, she imputed that to his youth, his folly, his + awe, his religion, to everything but what would instantly have produced contempt, + want of passion for the sex, or that which would have roused her hatred, want of + liking to her.</p> + <p>Reflection then hurried her farther, and told her she must see this beautiful + youth no more; nay, suggested to her that she herself had dismissed him for no other + fault than probably that of too violent an awe and respect for herself; and which she + ought rather to have esteemed a merit, the effects of which were besides so easily + and surely to have been removed; she then blamed, she cursed the hasty rashness of + her temper; her fury was vented all on herself, and Joseph appeared innocent in her + eyes. Her passion at length grew so violent, that it forced her on seeking relief, + and now she thought of recalling him: but pride forbad that; pride, which soon drove + all softer passions from her soul, and represented to her the meanness of him she was + fond of. That thought soon began to obscure his beauties; contempt succeeded next, + and then disdain, which presently introduced her hatred of the creature who had given + her so much uneasiness. These enemies of Joseph had no sooner taken possession of her + mind than they insinuated to her a thousand things in his disfavour; everything but + dislike of her person; a thought which, as it would have been intolerable to bear, + she checked the moment it endeavoured to arise. Revenge came now to her assistance; + and she considered her dismission of him, stript, and without a character, with the + utmost pleasure. She rioted in the several kinds of misery which her imagination + suggested to her might be his fate; and, with a smile composed of anger, mirth, and + scorn, viewed him in the rags in which her fancy had drest him.</p> + <p>Mrs Slipslop, being summoned, attended her mistress, who had now in her own + opinion totally subdued this passion. Whilst she was dressing she asked if that + fellow had been turned away according to her orders. Slipslop answered, she had told + her ladyship so (as indeed she had).—"And how did he behave?" replied the lady. + "Truly, madam," cries Slipslop, "in such a manner that infected everybody who saw + him. The poor lad had but little wages to receive; for he constantly allowed his + father and mother half his income; so that, when your ladyship's livery was stript + off, he had not wherewithal to buy a coat, and must have gone naked if one of the + footmen had not incommodated him with one; and whilst he was standing in his shirt + (and, to say truth, he was an amorous figure), being told your ladyship would not + give him a character, he sighed, and said he had done nothing willingly to offend; + that for his part, he should always give your ladyship a good character wherever he + went; and he prayed God to bless you; for you was the best of ladies, though his + enemies had set you against him. I wish you had not turned him away; for I believe + you have not a faithfuller servant in the house."—"How came you then," replied + the lady, "to advise me to turn him away?"—"I, madam!" said Slipslop; "I am + sure you will do me the justice to say, I did all in my power to prevent it; but I + saw your ladyship was angry; and it is not the business of us upper servants to + hinterfear on these occasions." "And was it not you, audacious wretch!" cried the + lady, "who made me angry? Was it not your tittle-tattle, in which I believe you + belyed the poor fellow, which incensed me against him? He may thank you for all that + hath happened; and so may I for the loss of a good servant, and one who probably had + more merit than all of you. Poor fellow! I am charmed with his goodness to his + parents. Why did not you tell me of that, but suffer me to dismiss so good a creature + without a character? I see the reason of your whole behaviour now as well as your + complaint; you was jealous of the wenches." "I jealous!" said Slipslop; "I assure + you, I look upon myself as his betters; I am not meat for a footman, I hope." These + words threw the lady into a violent passion, and she sent Slipslop from her presence, + who departed, tossing her nose, and crying, "Marry, come up! there are some people + more jealous than I, I believe." Her lady affected not to hear the words, though in + reality she did, and understood them too. Now ensued a second conflict, so like the + former, that it might savour of repetition to relate it minutely. It may suffice to + say that Lady Booby found good reason to doubt whether she had so absolutely + conquered her passion as she had flattered herself; and, in order to accomplish it + quite, took a resolution, more common than wise, to retire immediately into the + country. The reader hath long ago seen the arrival of Mrs Slipslop, whom no pertness + could make her mistress resolve to part with; lately, that of Mr Pounce, her + forerunners; and, lastly, that of the lady herself.</p> + <p>The morning after her arrival being Sunday, she went to church, to the great + surprize of everybody, who wondered to see her ladyship, being no very constant + church-woman, there so suddenly upon her journey. Joseph was likewise there; and I + have heard it was remarked that she fixed her eyes on him much more than on the + parson; but this I believe to be only a malicious rumour. When the prayers were ended + Mr Adams stood up, and with a loud voice pronounced, "I publish the banns of marriage + between Joseph Andrews and Frances Goodwill, both of this parish," &c. Whether + this had any effect on Lady Booby or no, who was then in her pew, which the + congregation could not see into, I could never discover: but certain it is that in + about a quarter of an hour she stood up, and directed her eyes to that part of the + church where the women sat, and persisted in looking that way during the remainder of + the sermon in so scrutinizing a manner, and with so angry a countenance, that most of + the women were afraid she was offended at them. The moment she returned home she sent + for Slipslop into her chamber, and told her she wondered what that impudent fellow + Joseph did in that parish? Upon which Slipslop gave her an account of her meeting + Adams with him on the road, and likewise the adventure with Fanny. At the relation of + which the lady often changed her countenance; and when she had heard all, she ordered + Mr Adams into her presence, to whom she behaved as the reader will see in the next + chapter.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter2" name="book4chapter2">CHAPTER II.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and the Lady + Booby.</em></p> + <p>Mr Adams was not far off, for he was drinking her ladyship's health below in a cup + of her ale. He no sooner came before her than she began in the following manner: "I + wonder, sir, after the many great obligations you have had to this family" (with all + which the reader hath in the course of this history been minutely acquainted), "that + you will ungratefully show any respect to a fellow who hath been turned out of it for + his misdeeds. Nor doth it, I can tell you, sir, become a man of your character, to + run about the country with an idle fellow and wench. Indeed, as for the girl, I know + no harm of her. Slipslop tells me she was formerly bred up in my house, and behaved + as she ought, till she hankered after this fellow, and he spoiled her. Nay, she may + still, perhaps, do very well, if he will let her alone. You are, therefore, doing a + monstrous thing in endeavouring to procure a match between these two people, which + will be to the ruin of them both."—"Madam," said Adams, "if your ladyship will + but hear me speak, I protest I never heard any harm of Mr Joseph Andrews; if I had, I + should have corrected him for it; for I never have, nor will, encourage the faults of + those under my care. As for the young woman, I assure your ladyship I have as good an + opinion of her as your ladyship yourself or any other can have. She is the + sweetest-tempered, honestest, worthiest young creature; indeed, as to her beauty, I + do not commend her on that account, though all men allow she is the handsomest woman, + gentle or simple, that ever appeared in the parish."—"You are very + impertinent," says she, "to talk such fulsome stuff to me. It is mighty becoming + truly in a clergyman to trouble himself about handsome women, and you are a delicate + judge of beauty, no doubt. A man who hath lived all his life in such a parish as this + is a rare judge of beauty! Ridiculous! beauty indeed! a country wench a beauty! I + shall be sick whenever I hear beauty mentioned again. And so this wench is to stock + the parish with beauties, I hope. But, sir, our poor is numerous enough already; I + will have no more vagabonds settled here."—"Madam," says Adams, "your ladyship + is offended with me, I protest, without any reason. This couple were desirous to + consummate long ago, and I dissuaded them from it; nay, I may venture to say, I + believe I was the sole cause of their delaying it."—"Well," says she, "and you + did very wisely and honestly too, notwithstanding she is the greatest beauty in the + parish."—"And now, madam," continued he, "I only perform my office to Mr + Joseph."—"Pray, don't mister such fellows to me," cries the lady. "He," said + the parson, "with the consent of Fanny, before my face, put in the banns." "Yes," + answered the lady, "I suppose the slut is forward enough; Slipslop tells me how her + head runs upon fellows; that is one of her beauties, I suppose. But if they have put + in the banns, I desire you will publish them no more without my + orders."—"Madam," cries Adams, "if any one puts in a sufficient caution, and + assigns a proper reason against them, I am willing to surcease."—"I tell you a + reason," says she: "he is a vagabond, and he shall not settle here, and bring a nest + of beggars into the parish; it will make us but little amends that they will be + beauties."—"Madam," answered Adams, "with the utmost submission to your + ladyship, I have been informed by lawyer Scout that any person who serves a year + gains a settlement in the parish where he serves."—"Lawyer Scout," replied the + lady, "is an impudent coxcomb; I will have no lawyer Scout interfere with me. I + repeat to you again, I will have no more incumbrances brought on us: so I desire you + will proceed no farther."—"Madam," returned Adams, "I would obey your ladyship + in everything that is lawful; but surely the parties being poor is no reason against + their marrying. God forbid there should be any such law! The poor have little share + enough of this world already; it would be barbarous indeed to deny them the common + privileges and innocent enjoyments which nature indulges to the animal + creation."—"Since you understand yourself no better," cries the lady, "nor the + respect due from such as you to a woman of my distinction, than to affront my ears by + such loose discourse, I shall mention but one short word; it is my orders to you that + you publish these banns no more; and if you dare, I will recommend it to your master, + the doctor, to discard you from his service. I will, sir, notwithstanding your poor + family; and then you and the greatest beauty in the parish may go and beg + together."—"Madam," answered Adams, "I know not what your ladyship means by the + terms master and service. I am in the service of a Master who will never discard me + for doing my duty; and if the doctor (for indeed I have never been able to pay for a + licence) thinks proper to turn me from my cure, God will provide me, I hope, another. + At least, my family, as well as myself, have hands; and he will prosper, I doubt not, + our endeavours to get our bread honestly with them. Whilst my conscience is pure, I + shall never fear what man can do unto me."—"I condemn my humility," said the + lady, "for demeaning myself to converse with you so long. I shall take other + measures; for I see you are a confederate with them. But the sooner you leave me the + better; and I shall give orders that my doors may no longer be open to you. I will + suffer no parsons who run about the country with beauties to be entertained + here."—"Madam," said Adams, "I shall enter into no persons' doors against their + will; but I am assured, when you have enquired farther into this matter, you will + applaud, not blame, my proceeding; and so I humbly take my leave:" which he did with + many bows, or at least many attempts at a bow.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter3" name="book4chapter3">CHAPTER III.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>What passed between the lady and lawyer Scout.</em></p> + <p>In the afternoon the lady sent for Mr Scout, whom she attacked most violently for + intermeddling with her servants, which he denied, and indeed with truth, for he had + only asserted accidentally, and perhaps rightly, that a year's service gained a + settlement; and so far he owned he might have formerly informed the parson and + believed it was law. "I am resolved," said the lady, "to have no discarded servants + of mine settled here; and so, if this be your law, I shall send to another lawyer." + Scout said, "If she sent to a hundred lawyers, not one or all of them could alter the + law. The utmost that was in the power of a lawyer was to prevent the law's taking + effect; and that he himself could do for her ladyship as well as any other; and I + believe," says he, "madam, your ladyship, not being conversant in these matters, hath + mistaken a difference; for I asserted only that a man who served a year was settled. + Now there is a material difference between being settled in law and settled in fact; + and as I affirmed generally he was settled, and law is preferable to fact, my + settlement must be understood in law and not in fact. And suppose, madam, we admit he + was settled in law, what use will they make of it? how doth that relate to fact? He + is not settled in fact; and if he be not settled in fact, he is not an inhabitant; + and if he is not an inhabitant, he is not of this parish; and then undoubtedly he + ought not to be published here; for Mr Adams hath told me your ladyship's pleasure, + and the reason, which is a very good one, to prevent burdening us with the poor; we + have too many already, and I think we ought to have an act to hang or transport half + of them. If we can prove in evidence that he is not settled in fact, it is another + matter. What I said to Mr Adams was on a supposition that he was settled in fact; and + indeed, if that was the case, I should doubt."—"Don't tell me your facts and + your ifs," said the lady; "I don't understand your gibberish; you take too much upon + you, and are very impertinent, in pretending to direct in this parish; and you shall + be taught better, I assure you, you shall. But as to the wench, I am resolved she + shall not settle here; I will not suffer such beauties as these to produce children + for us to keep."—"Beauties, indeed! your ladyship is pleased to be merry," + answered Scout.—"Mr Adams described her so to me," said the lady. "Pray, what + sort of dowdy is it, Mr Scout?"—"The ugliest creature almost I ever beheld; a + poor dirty drab, your ladyship never saw such a wretch."—"Well, but, dear Mr + Scout, let her be what she will, these ugly women will bring children, you know; so + that we must prevent the marriage."—"True, madam," replied Scout, "for the + subsequent marriage co-operating with the law will carry law into fact. When a man is + married he is settled in fact, and then he is not removable. I will see Mr Adams, and + I make no doubt of prevailing with him. His only objection is, doubtless, that he + shall lose his fee; but that being once made easy, as it shall be, I am confident no + farther objection will remain. No, no, it is impossible; but your ladyship can't + discommend his unwillingness to depart from his fee. Every man ought to have a proper + value for his fee. As to the matter in question, if your ladyship pleases to employ + me in it, I will venture to promise you success. The laws of this land are not so + vulgar to permit a mean fellow to contend with one of your ladyship's fortune. We + have one sure card, which is, to carry him before Justice Frolick, who, upon hearing + your ladyship's name, will commit him without any farther questions. As for the dirty + slut, we shall have nothing to do with her; for, if we get rid of the fellow, the + ugly jade will—"—"Take what measures you please, good Mr Scout," answered + the lady: "but I wish you could rid the parish of both; for Slipslop tells me such + stories of this wench, that I abhor the thoughts of her; and, though you say she is + such an ugly slut, yet you know, dear Mr Scout, these forward creatures, who run + after men, will always find some as forward as themselves; so that, to prevent the + increase of beggars, we must get rid of her."—"Your ladyship is very much in + the right," answered Scout; "but I am afraid the law is a little deficient in giving + us any such power of prevention; however, the justice will stretch it as far as he is + able, to oblige your ladyship. To say truth, it is a great blessing to the country + that he is in the commission, for he hath taken several poor off our hands that the + law would never lay hold on. I know some justices who think as much of committing a + man to Bridewell as his lordship at 'size would of hanging him; but it would do a man + good to see his worship, our justice, commit a fellow to Bridewell, he takes so much + pleasure in it; and when once we ha'um there, we seldom hear any more o'um. He's + either starved or eat up by vermin in a month's time."—Here the arrival of a + visitor put an end to the conversation, and Mr Scout, having undertaken the cause and + promised it success, departed.</p> + <p>This Scout was one of those fellows who, without any knowledge of the law, or + being bred to it, take upon them, in defiance of an act of Parliament, to act as + lawyers in the country, and are called so. They are the pests of society, and a + scandal to a profession, to which indeed they do not belong, and which owes to such + kind of rascallions the ill-will which weak persons bear towards it. With this + fellow, to whom a little before she would not have condescended to have spoken, did a + certain passion for Joseph, and the jealousy and the disdain of poor innocent Fanny, + betray the Lady Booby into a familiar discourse, in which she inadvertently confirmed + many hints with which Slipslop, whose gallant he was, had pre-acquainted him; and + whence he had taken an opportunity to assert those severe falsehoods of little Fanny + which possibly the reader might not have been well able to account for if we had not + thought proper to give him this information.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter4" name="book4chapter4">CHAPTER IV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A short chapter, but very full of matter; particularly the + arrival of Mr Booby and his lady.</em></p> + <p>All that night, and the next day, the Lady Booby past with the utmost anxiety; her + mind was distracted and her soul tossed up and down by many turbulent and opposite + passions. She loved, hated, pitied, scorned, admired, despised the same person by + fits, which changed in a very short interval. On Tuesday morning, which happened to + be a holiday, she went to church, where, to her surprize, Mr Adams published the + banns again with as audible a voice as before. It was lucky for her that, as there + was no sermon, she had an immediate opportunity of returning home to vent her rage, + which she could not have concealed from the congregation five minutes; indeed, it was + not then very numerous, the assembly consisting of no more than Adams, his clerk, his + wife, the lady, and one of her servants. At her return she met Slipslop, who accosted + her in these words:—"O meam, what doth your ladyship think? To be sure, lawyer + Scout hath carried Joseph and Fanny both before the justice. All the parish are in + tears, and say they will certainly be hanged; for nobody knows what it is + for"—"I suppose they deserve it," says the lady. "What! dost thou mention such + wretches to me?"—"O dear madam," answered Slipslop, "is it not a pity such a + graceless young man should die a virulent death? I hope the judge will take + commensuration on his youth. As for Fanny, I don't think it signifies much what + becomes of her; and if poor Joseph hath done anything, I could venture to swear she + traduced him to it: few men ever come to a fragrant punishment, but by those nasty + creatures, who are a scandal to our sect." The lady was no more pleased at this news, + after a moment's reflection, than Slipslop herself; for, though she wished Fanny far + enough, she did not desire the removal of Joseph, especially with her. She was + puzzled how to act or what to say on this occasion, when a coach and six drove into + the court, and a servant acquainted her with the arrival of her nephew Booby and his + lady. She ordered them to be conducted into a drawing-room, whither she presently + repaired, having composed her countenance as well as she could, and being a little + satisfied that the wedding would by these means be at least interrupted, and that she + should have an opportunity to execute any resolution she might take, for which she + saw herself provided with an excellent instrument in Scout.</p> + <p>The Lady Booby apprehended her servant had made a mistake when he mentioned Mr + Booby's lady; for she had never heard of his marriage: but how great was her surprize + when, at her entering the room, her nephew presented his wife to her; saying, "Madam, + this is that charming Pamela, of whom I am convinced you have heard so much." The + lady received her with more civility than he expected; indeed with the utmost; for + she was perfectly polite, nor had any vice inconsistent with good-breeding. They past + some little time in ordinary discourse, when a servant came and whispered Mr Booby, + who presently told the ladies he must desert them a little on some business of + consequence; and, as their discourse during his absence would afford little + improvement or entertainment to the reader, we will leave them for a while to attend + Mr Booby.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter5" name="book4chapter5">CHAPTER V.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Containing justice business; curious precedents of + depositions, and other matters necessary to be perused by all justices of the peace + and their clerks.</em></p> + <p>The young squire and his lady were no sooner alighted from their coach than the + servants began to inquire after Mr Joseph, from whom they said their lady had not + heard a word, to her great surprize, since he had left Lady Booby's. Upon this they + were instantly informed of what had lately happened, with which they hastily + acquainted their master, who took an immediate resolution to go himself, and + endeavour to restore his Pamela her brother, before she even knew she had lost + him.</p> + <p>The justice before whom the criminals were carried, and who lived within a short + mile of the lady's house, was luckily Mr Booby's acquaintance, by his having an + estate in his neighbourhood. Ordering therefore his horses to his coach, he set out + for the judgment-seat, and arrived when the justice had almost finished his business. + He was conducted into a hall, where he was acquainted that his worship would wait on + him in a moment; for he had only a man and a woman to commit to Bridewell first. As + he was now convinced he had not a minute to lose, he insisted on the servant's + introducing him directly into the room where the justice was then executing his + office, as he called it. Being brought thither, and the first compliments being + passed between the squire and his worship, the former asked the latter what crime + those two young people had been guilty of? "No great crime," answered the justice; "I + have only ordered them to Bridewell for a month." "But what is their crime?" repeated + the squire. "Larceny, an't please your honour," said Scout. "Ay," says the justice, + "a kind of felonious larcenous thing. I believe I must order them a little correction + too, a little stripping and whipping." (Poor Fanny, who had hitherto supported all + with the thoughts of Joseph's company, trembled at that sound; but, indeed, without + reason, for none but the devil himself would have executed such a sentence on her.) + "Still," said the squire, "I am ignorant of the crime—the fact I mean." "Why, + there it is in peaper," answered the justice, showing him a deposition which, in the + absence of his clerk, he had writ himself, of which we have with great difficulty + procured an authentic copy; and here it follows <em>verbatim et + literatim:</em>—</p> + <blockquote> + <em>The depusition of James Scout, layer, and Thomas Trotter, yeoman, taken before + mee, one of his magesty's justasses of the piece for Zumersetshire.</em> + <p>"These deponants saith, and first Thomas Trotter for himself saith, that on the + — of this instant October, being Sabbath-day, betwin the ours of 2 and 4 in + the afternoon, he zeed Joseph Andrews and Francis Goodwill walk akross a certane + felde belunging to layer Scout, and out of the path which ledes thru the said + felde, and there he zede Joseph Andrews with a nife cut one hassel twig, of the + value, as he believes, of three half-pence, or thereabouts; and he saith that the + said Francis Goodwill was likewise walking on the grass out of the said path in the + said felde, and did receive and karry in her hand the said twig, and so was + cumfarting, eading, and abatting to the said Joseph therein. And the said James + Scout for himself says that he verily believes the said twig to be his own proper + twig," &c.</p> + </blockquote> + <p>"Jesu!" said the squire, "would you commit two persons to Bridewell for a twig?" + "Yes," said the lawyer, "and with great lenity too; for if we had called it a young + tree, they would have been both hanged." "Harkee," says the justice, taking aside the + squire; "I should not have been so severe on this occasion, but Lady Booby desires to + get them out of the parish; so lawyer Scout will give the constable orders to let + them run away, if they please: but it seems they intend to marry together, and the + lady hath no other means, as they are legally settled there, to prevent their + bringing an incumbrance on her own parish." "Well," said the squire, "I will take + care my aunt shall be satisfied in this point; and likewise I promise you, Joseph + here shall never be any incumbrance on her. I shall be obliged to you, therefore, if, + instead of Bridewell, you will commit them to my custody." "O! to be sure, sir, if + you desire it," answered the justice; and without more ado Joseph and Fanny were + delivered over to Squire Booby, whom Joseph very well knew, but little guessed how + nearly he was related to him. The justice burnt his mittimus, the constable was sent + about his business, the lawyer made no complaint for want of justice; and the + prisoners, with exulting hearts, gave a thousand thanks to his honour Mr Booby; who + did not intend their obligations to him should cease here; for, ordering his man to + produce a cloak-bag, which he had caused to be brought from Lady Booby's on purpose, + he desired the justice that he might have Joseph with him into a room; where, + ordering his servant to take out a suit of his own clothes, with linnen and other + necessaries, he left Joseph to dress himself, who, not yet knowing the cause of all + this civility, excused his accepting such a favour as long as decently he could. + Whilst Joseph was dressing, the squire repaired to the justice, whom he found talking + with Fanny; for, during the examination, she had flopped her hat over her eyes, which + were also bathed in tears, and had by that means concealed from his worship what + might perhaps have rendered the arrival of Mr Booby unnecessary, at least for + herself. The justice no sooner saw her countenance cleared up, and her bright eyes + shining through her tears, than he secretly cursed himself for having once thought of + Bridewell for her. He would willingly have sent his own wife thither, to have had + Fanny in her place. And, conceiving almost at the same instant desires and schemes to + accomplish them, he employed the minutes whilst the squire was absent with Joseph in + assuring her how sorry he was for having treated her so roughly before he knew her + merit; and told her, that since Lady Booby was unwilling that she should settle in + her parish, she was heartily welcome to his, where he promised her his protection, + adding that he would take Joseph and her into his own family, if she liked it; which + assurance he confirmed with a squeeze by the hand. She thanked him very kindly, and + said, "She would acquaint Joseph with the offer, which he would certainly be glad to + accept; for that Lady Booby was angry with them both; though she did not know either + had done anything to offend her, but imputed it to Madam Slipslop, who had always + been her enemy."</p> + <p>The squire now returned, and prevented any farther continuance of this + conversation; and the justice, out of a pretended respect to his guest, but in + reality from an apprehension of a rival (for he knew nothing of his marriage), + ordered Fanny into the kitchen, whither she gladly retired; nor did the squire, who + declined the trouble of explaining the whole matter, oppose it.</p> + <p>It would be unnecessary, if I was able, which indeed I am not, to relate the + conversation between these two gentlemen, which rolled, as I have been informed, + entirely on the subject of horse-racing. Joseph was soon drest in the plainest dress + he could find, which was a blue coat and breeches, with a gold edging, and a red + waistcoat with the same: and as this suit, which was rather too large for the squire, + exactly fitted him, so he became it so well, and looked so genteel, that no person + would have doubted its being as well adapted to his quality as his shape; nor have + suspected, as one might, when my Lord ——, or Sir ——, or Mr + ——, appear in lace or embroidery, that the taylor's man wore those + clothes home on his back which he should have carried under his arm.</p> + <p>The squire now took leave of the justice; and, calling for Fanny, made her and + Joseph, against their wills, get into the coach with him, which he then ordered to + drive to Lady Booby's. It had moved a few yards only, when the squire asked Joseph if + he knew who that man was crossing the field; for, added he, I never saw one take such + strides before. Joseph answered eagerly, "O, sir, it is parson Adams!" "O la, indeed, + and so it is," said Fanny; "poor man, he is coming to do what he could for us. Well, + he is the worthiest, best-natured creature."—"Ay," said Joseph; "God bless him! + for there is not such another in the universe." "The best creature living sure," + cries Fanny. "Is he?" says the squire; "then I am resolved to have the best creature + living in my coach;" and so saying, he ordered it to stop, whilst Joseph, at his + request, hallowed to the parson, who, well knowing his voice, made all the haste + imaginable, and soon came up with them. He was desired by the master, who could + scarce refrain from laughter at his figure, to mount into the coach, which he with + many thanks refused, saying he could walk by its side, and he'd warrant he kept up + with it; but he was at length over-prevailed on. The squire now acquainted Joseph + with his marriage; but he might have spared himself that labour; for his servant, + whilst Joseph was dressing, had performed that office before. He continued to express + the vast happiness he enjoyed in his sister, and the value he had for all who + belonged to her. Joseph made many bows, and exprest as many acknowledgments: and + parson Adams, who now first perceived Joseph's new apparel, burst into tears with + joy, and fell to rubbing his hands and snapping his fingers as if he had been + mad.</p> + <p>They were now arrived at the Lady Booby's, and the squire, desiring them to wait a + moment in the court, walked in to his aunt, and calling her out from his wife, + acquainted her with Joseph's arrival; saying, "Madam, as I have married a virtuous + and worthy woman, I am resolved to own her relations, and show them all a proper + respect; I shall think myself therefore infinitely obliged to all mine who will do + the same. It is true, her brother hath been your servant, but he is now become my + brother; and I have one happiness, that neither his character, his behaviour, or + appearance, give me any reason to be ashamed of calling him so. In short, he is now + below, dressed like a gentleman, in which light I intend he shall hereafter be seen; + and you will oblige me beyond expression if you will admit him to be of our party; + for I know it will give great pleasure to my wife, though she will not mention + it."</p> + <p>This was a stroke of fortune beyond the Lady Booby's hopes or expectation; she + answered him eagerly, "Nephew, you know how easily I am prevailed on to do anything + which Joseph Andrews desires—Phoo, I mean which you desire me; and, as he is + now your relation, I cannot refuse to entertain him as such." The squire told her he + knew his obligation to her for her compliance; and going three steps, returned and + told her—he had one more favour, which he believed she would easily grant, as + she had accorded him the former. "There is a young woman—"—"Nephew," says + she, "don't let my good-nature make you desire, as is too commonly the case, to + impose on me. Nor think, because I have with so much condescension agreed to suffer + your brother-in-law to come to my table, that I will submit to the company of all my + own servants, and all the dirty trollops in the country." "Madam," answered the + squire, "I believe you never saw this young creature. I never beheld such sweetness + and innocence joined with such beauty, and withal so genteel." "Upon my soul I won't + admit her," replied the lady in a passion; "the whole world shan't prevail on me; I + resent even the desire as an affront, and—" The squire, who knew her + inflexibility, interrupted her, by asking pardon, and promising not to mention it + more. He then returned to Joseph, and she to Pamela. He took Joseph aside, and told + him he would carry him to his sister, but could not prevail as yet for Fanny. Joseph + begged that he might see his sister alone, and then be with his Fanny; but the + squire, knowing the pleasure his wife would have in her brother's company, would not + admit it, telling Joseph there would be nothing in so short an absence from Fanny, + whilst he was assured of her safety; adding, he hoped he could not so easily quit a + sister whom he had not seen so long, and who so tenderly loved him. Joseph + immediately complied; for indeed no brother could love a sister more; and, + recommending Fanny, who rejoiced that she was not to go before Lady Booby, to the + care of Mr Adams, he attended the squire upstairs, whilst Fanny repaired with the + parson to his house, where she thought herself secure of a kind reception.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter6" name="book4chapter6">CHAPTER VI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Of which you are desired to read no more than you + like.</em></p> + <p>The meeting between Joseph and Pamela was not without tears of joy on both sides; + and their embraces were full of tenderness and affection. They were, however, + regarded with much more pleasure by the nephew than by the aunt, to whose flame they + were fuel only; and this was increased by the addition of dress, which was indeed not + wanted to set off the lively colours in which Nature had drawn health, strength, + comeliness, and youth. In the afternoon Joseph, at their request, entertained them + with an account of his adventures: nor could Lady Booby conceal her dissatisfaction + at those parts in which Fanny was concerned, especially when Mr Booby launched forth + into such rapturous praises of her beauty. She said, applying to her niece, that she + wondered her nephew, who had pretended to marry for love, should think such a subject + proper to amuse his wife with; adding, that, for her part, she should be jealous of a + husband who spoke so warmly in praise of another woman. Pamela answered, indeed, she + thought she had cause; but it was an instance of Mr Booby's aptness to see more + beauty in women than they were mistresses of. At which words both the women fixed + their eyes on two looking-glasses; and Lady Booby replied, that men were, in the + general, very ill judges of beauty; and then, whilst both contemplated only their own + faces, they paid a cross compliment to each other's charms. When the hour of rest + approached, which the lady of the house deferred as long as decently she could, she + informed Joseph (whom for the future we shall call Mr Joseph, he having as good a + title to that appellation as many others—I mean that incontested one of good + clothes) that she had ordered a bed to be provided for him. He declined this favour + to his utmost; for his heart had long been with his Fanny; but she insisted on his + accepting it, alledging that the parish had no proper accommodation for such a person + as he was now to esteem himself. The squire and his lady both joining with her, Mr + Joseph was at last forced to give over his design of visiting Fanny that evening; + who, on her side, as impatiently expected him till midnight, when, in complacence to + Mr Adams's family, who had sat up two hours out of respect to her, she retired to + bed, but not to sleep; the thoughts of her love kept her waking, and his not + returning according to his promise filled her with uneasiness; of which, however, she + could not assign any other cause than merely that of being absent from him.</p> + <p>Mr Joseph rose early in the morning, and visited her in whom his soul delighted. + She no sooner heard his voice in the parson's parlour than she leapt from her bed, + and, dressing herself in a few minutes, went down to him. They passed two hours with + inexpressible happiness together; and then, having appointed Monday, by Mr Adams's + permission, for their marriage, Mr Joseph returned, according to his promise, to + breakfast at the Lady Booby's, with whose behaviour, since the evening, we shall now + acquaint the reader.</p> + <p>She was no sooner retired to her chamber than she asked Slipslop "What she thought + of this wonderful creature her nephew had married?"—"Madam?" said Slipslop, not + yet sufficiently understanding what answer she was to make. "I ask you," answered the + lady, "what you think of the dowdy, my niece, I think I am to call her?" Slipslop, + wanting no further hint, began to pull her to pieces, and so miserably defaced her, + that it would have been impossible for any one to have known the person. The lady + gave her all the assistance she could, and ended with saying, "I think, Slipslop, you + have done her justice; but yet, bad as she is, she is an angel compared to this + Fanny." Slipslop then fell on Fanny, whom she hacked and hewed in the like barbarous + manner, concluding with an observation that there was always something in those + low-life creatures which must eternally extinguish them from their betters. "Really," + said the lady, "I think there is one exception to your rule; I am certain you may + guess who I mean."—"Not I, upon my word, madam," said Slipslop. "I mean a young + fellow; sure you are the dullest wretch," said the lady. "O la! I am indeed. Yes, + truly, madam, he is an accession," answered Slipslop. "Ay, is he not, Slipslop?" + returned the lady. "Is he not so genteel that a prince might, without a blush, + acknowledge him for his son? His behaviour is such that would not shame the best + education. He borrows from his station a condescension in everything to his + superiors, yet unattended by that mean servility which is called good behaviour in + such persons. Everything he doth hath no mark of the base motive of fear, but visibly + shows some respect and gratitude, and carries with it the persuasion of love. And + then for his virtues: such piety to his parents, such tender affection to his sister, + such integrity in his friendship, such bravery, such goodness, that, if he had been + born a gentleman, his wife would have possessed the most invaluable + blessing."—"To be sure, ma'am," says Slipslop. "But as he is," answered the + lady, "if he had a thousand more good qualities, it must render a woman of fashion + contemptible even to be suspected of thinking of him; yes, I should despise myself + for such a thought."—"To be sure, ma'am," said Slipslop. "And why to be sure?" + replied the lady; "thou art always one's echo. Is he not more worthy of affection + than a dirty country clown, though born of a family as old as the flood? or an idle + worthless rake, or little puisny beau of quality? And yet these we must condemn + ourselves to, in order to avoid the censure of the world; to shun the contempt of + others, we must ally ourselves to those we despise; we must prefer birth, title, and + fortune, to real merit. It is a tyranny of custom, a tyranny we must comply with; for + we people of fashion are the slaves of custom."—"Marry come up!" said Slipslop, + who now knew well which party to take. "If I was a woman of your ladyship's fortune + and quality, I would be a slave to nobody."—"Me," said the lady; "I am speaking + if a young woman of fashion, who had seen nothing of the world, should happen to like + such a fellow.—Me, indeed! I hope thou dost not imagine—"—"No, + ma'am, to be sure," cries Slipslop. "No! what no?" cried the lady. "Thou art always + ready to answer before thou hast heard one. So far I must allow he is a charming + fellow. Me, indeed! No, Slipslop, all thoughts of men are over with me. I have lost a + husband who—but if I should reflect I should run mad. My future ease must + depend upon forgetfulness. Slipslop, let me hear some of thy nonsense, to turn my + thoughts another way. What dost thou think of Mr Andrews?"—"Why, I think," says + Slipslop, "he is the handsomest, most properest man I ever saw; and if I was a lady + of the greatest degree it would be well for some folks. Your ladyship may talk of + custom, if you please: but I am confidous there is no more comparison between young + Mr Andrews and most of the young gentlemen who come to your ladyship's house in + London; a parcel of whipper-snapper sparks: I would sooner marry our old parson + Adams. Never tell me what people say, whilst I am happy in the arms of him I love. + Some folks rail against other folks because other folks have what some folks would be + glad of."—"And so," answered the lady, "if you was a woman of condition, you + would really marry Mr Andrews?"—"Yes, I assure your ladyship," replied + Slipslop, "if he would have me."—"Fool, idiot!" cries the lady; "if he would + have a woman of fashion! is that a question?"—"No, truly, madam," said + Slipslop, "I believe it would be none if Fanny was out of the way; and I am + confidous, if I was in your ladyship's place, and liked Mr Joseph Andrews, she should + not stay in the parish a moment. I am sure lawyer Scout would send her packing if + your ladyship would but say the word." This last speech of Slipslop raised a tempest + in the mind of her mistress. She feared Scout had betrayed her, or rather that she + had betrayed herself. After some silence, and a double change of her complexion, + first to pale and then to red, she thus spoke: "I am astonished at the liberty you + give your tongue. Would you insinuate that I employed Scout against this wench on + account of the fellow?"—"La, ma'am," said Slipslop, frighted out of her wits, + "I assassinate such a thing!"—"I think you dare not," answered the lady; "I + believe my conduct may defy malice itself to assert so cursed a slander. If I had + ever discovered any wantonness, any lightness in my behaviour; if I had followed the + example of some whom thou hast, I believe, seen, in allowing myself indecent + liberties, even with a husband; but the dear man who is gone" (here she began to + sob), "was he alive again" (then she produced tears), "could not upbraid me with any + one act of tenderness or passion. No, Slipslop, all the time I cohabited with him he + never obtained even a kiss from me without my expressing reluctance in the granting + it. I am sure he himself never suspected how much I loved him. Since his death, thou + knowest, though it is almost six weeks (it wants but a day) ago, I have not admitted + one visitor till this fool my nephew arrived. I have confined myself quite to one + party of friends. And can such a conduct as this fear to be arraigned? To be accused, + not only of a passion which I have always despised, but of fixing it on such an + object, a creature so much beneath my notice!"—"Upon my word, ma'am," says + Slipslop, "I do not understand your ladyship; nor know I anything of the + matter."—"I believe indeed thou dost not understand me. Those are delicacies + which exist only in superior minds; thy coarse ideas cannot comprehend them. Thou art + a low creature, of the Andrews breed, a reptile of a lower order, a weed that grows + in the common garden of the creation."—"I assure your ladyship," says Slipslop, + whose passions were almost of as high an order as her lady's, "I have no more to do + with Common Garden than other folks. Really, your ladyship talks of servants as if + they were not born of the Christian specious. Servants have flesh and blood as well + as quality; and Mr Andrews himself is a proof that they have as good, if not better. + And for my own part, I can't perceive my dears <a id="footnote4tag" + name="footnote4tag"></a><a href="#footnote4"><sup>4</sup></a> are coarser than other + people's; and I am sure, if Mr Andrews was a dear of mine, I should not be ashamed of + him in company with gentlemen; for whoever hath seen him in his new clothes must + confess he looks as much like a gentleman as anybody. Coarse, quotha! I can't bear to + hear the poor young fellow run down neither; for I will say this, I never heard him + say an ill word of anybody in his life. I am sure his coarseness doth not lie in his + heart, for he is the best-natured man in the world; and as for his skin, it is no + coarser than other people's, I am sure. His bosom, when a boy, was as white as driven + snow; and, where it is not covered with hairs, is so still. Ifakins! if I was Mrs + Andrews, with a hundred a year, I should not envy the best she who wears a head. A + woman that could not be happy with such a man ought never to be so; for if he can't + make a woman happy, I never yet beheld the man who could. I say again, I wish I was a + great lady for his sake. I believe, when I had made a gentleman of him, he'd behave + so that nobody should deprecate what I had done; and I fancy few would venture to + tell him he was no gentleman to his face, nor to mine neither." At which words, + taking up the candles, she asked her mistress, who had been some time in her bed, if + she had any farther commands? who mildly answered, she had none; and, telling her she + was a comical creature, bid her good-night.</p> + <p class="footnote"><a id="footnote4" name="footnote4"></a> <strong>Footnote + 4</strong>: Meaning perhaps ideas. <a href="#footnote4tag">(return)</a></p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter7" name="book4chapter7">CHAPTER VII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Philosophical reflections, the like not to be found in any + light French romance. Mr Booby's grave advice to Joseph, and Fanny's encounter with a + beau.</em></p> + <p>Habit, my good reader, hath so vast a prevalence over the human mind, that there + is scarce anything too strange or too strong to be asserted of it. The story of the + miser, who, from long accustoming to cheat others, came at last to cheat himself, and + with great delight and triumph picked his own pocket of a guinea to convey to his + hoard, is not impossible or improbable. In like manner it fares with the practisers + of deceit, who, from having long deceived their acquaintance, gain at last a power of + deceiving themselves, and acquire that very opinion (however false) of their own + abilities, excellencies, and virtues, into which they have for years perhaps + endeavoured to betray their neighbours. Now, reader, to apply this observation to my + present purpose, thou must know, that as the passion generally called love exercises + most of the talents of the female or fair world, so in this they now and then + discover a small inclination to deceit; for which thou wilt not be angry with the + beautiful creatures when thou hast considered that at the age of seven, or something + earlier, miss is instructed by her mother that master is a very monstrous kind of + animal, who will, if she suffers him to come too near her, infallibly eat her up and + grind her to pieces: that, so far from kissing or toying with him of her own accord, + she must not admit him to kiss or toy with her: and, lastly, that she must never have + any affection towards him; for if she should, all her friends in petticoats would + esteem her a traitress, point at her, and hunt her out of their society. These + impressions, being first received, are farther and deeper inculcated by their + school-mistresses and companions; so that by the age of ten they have contracted such + a dread and abhorrence of the above-named monster, that whenever they see him they + fly from him as the innocent hare doth from the greyhound. Hence, to the age of + fourteen or fifteen, they entertain a mighty antipathy to master; they resolve, and + frequently profess, that they will never have any commerce with him, and entertain + fond hopes of passing their lives out of his reach, of the possibility of which they + have so visible an example in their good maiden aunt. But when they arrive at this + period, and have now passed their second climacteric, when their wisdom, grown riper, + begins to see a little farther, and, from almost daily falling in master's way, to + apprehend the great difficulty of keeping out of it; and when they observe him look + often at them, and sometimes very eagerly and earnestly too (for the monster seldom + takes any notice of them till at this age), they then begin to think of their danger; + and, as they perceive they cannot easily avoid him, the wiser part bethink themselves + of providing by other means for their security. They endeavour, by all methods they + can invent, to render themselves so amiable in his eyes, that he may have no + inclination to hurt them; in which they generally succeed so well, that his eyes, by + frequent languishing, soon lessen their idea of his fierceness, and so far abate + their fears, that they venture to parley with him; and when they perceive him so + different from what he hath been described, all gentleness, softness, kindness, + tenderness, fondness, their dreadful apprehensions vanish in a moment; and now (it + being usual with the human mind to skip from one extreme to its opposite, as easily, + and almost as suddenly, as a bird from one bough to another) love instantly succeeds + to fear: but, as it happens to persons who have in their infancy been thoroughly + frightened with certain no-persons called ghosts, that they retain their dread of + those beings after they are convinced that there are no such things, so these young + ladies, though they no longer apprehend devouring, cannot so entirely shake off all + that hath been instilled into them; they still entertain the idea of that censure + which was so strongly imprinted on their tender minds, to which the declarations of + abhorrence they every day hear from their companions greatly contribute. To avoid + this censure, therefore, is now their only care; for which purpose they still pretend + the same aversion to the monster: and the more they love him, the more ardently they + counterfeit the antipathy. By the continual and constant practice of which deceit on + others, they at length impose on themselves, and really believe they hate what they + love. Thus, indeed, it happened to Lady Booby, who loved Joseph long before she knew + it; and now loved him much more than she suspected. She had indeed, from the time of + his sister's arrival in the quality of her niece, and from the instant she viewed him + in the dress and character of a gentleman, began to conceive secretly a design which + love had concealed from herself till a dream betrayed it to her.</p> + <p>She had no sooner risen than she sent for her nephew. When he came to her, after + many compliments on his choice, she told him, "He might perceive, in her + condescension to admit her own servant to her table, that she looked on the family of + Andrews as his relations, and indeed hers; that, as he had married into such a + family, it became him to endeavour by all methods to raise it as much as possible. At + length she advised him to use all his heart to dissuade Joseph from his intended + match, which would still enlarge their relation to meanness and poverty; concluding + that, by a commission in the army, or some other genteel employment, he might soon + put young Mr Andrews on the foot of a gentleman; and, that being once done, his + accomplishments might quickly gain him an alliance which would not be to their + discredit."</p> + <p>Her nephew heartily embraced this proposal, and, finding Mr Joseph with his wife, + at his return to her chamber, he immediately began thus: "My love to my dear Pamela, + brother, will extend to all her relations; nor shall I show them less respect than if + I had married into the family of a duke. I hope I have given you some early + testimonies of this, and shall continue to give you daily more. You will excuse me + therefore, brother, if my concern for your interest makes me mention what may be, + perhaps, disagreeable to you to hear: but I must insist upon it, that, if you have + any value for my alliance or my friendship, you will decline any thoughts of engaging + farther with a girl who is, as you are a relation of mine, so much beneath you. I + know there may be at first some difficulty in your compliance, but that will daily + diminish; and you will in the end sincerely thank me for my advice. I own, indeed, + the girl is handsome; but beauty alone is a poor ingredient, and will make but an + uncomfortable marriage."—"Sir," said Joseph, "I assure you her beauty is her + least perfection; nor do I know a virtue which that young creature is not possesst + of."—"As to her virtues," answered Mr Booby, "you can be yet but a slender + judge of them; but, if she had never so many, you will find her equal in these among + her superiors in birth and fortune, which now you are to esteem on a footing with + yourself; at least I will take care they shall shortly be so, unless you prevent me + by degrading yourself with such a match, a match I have hardly patience to think of, + and which would break the hearts of your parents, who now rejoice in the expectation + of seeing you make a figure in the world."—"I know not," replied Joseph, "that + my parents have any power over my inclinations; nor am I obliged to sacrifice my + happiness to their whim or ambition: besides, I shall be very sorry to see that the + unexpected advancement of my sister should so suddenly inspire them with this wicked + pride, and make them despise their equals. I am resolved on no account to quit my + dear Fanny; no, though I could raise her as high above her present station as you + have raised my sister."—"Your sister, as well as myself," said Booby, "are + greatly obliged to you for the comparison: but, sir, she is not worthy to be compared + in beauty to my Pamela; nor hath she half her merit. And besides, sir, as you civilly + throw my marriage with your sister in my teeth, I must teach you the wide difference + between us: my fortune enabled me to please myself; and it would have been as + overgrown a folly in me to have omitted it as in you to do it."—"My fortune + enables me to please myself likewise," said Joseph; "for all my pleasure is centered + in Fanny; and whilst I have health I shall be able to support her with my labour in + that station to which she was born, and with which she is content."—"Brother," + said Pamela, "Mr Booby advises you as a friend; and no doubt my papa and mamma will + be of his opinion, and will have great reason to be angry with you for destroying + what his goodness hath done, and throwing down our family again, after he hath raised + it. It would become you better, brother, to pray for the assistance of grace against + such a passion than to indulge it."—"Sure, sister, you are not in earnest; I am + sure she is your equal, at least."—"She was my equal," answered Pamela; "but I + am no longer Pamela Andrews; I am now this gentleman's lady, and, as such, am above + her.—I hope I shall never behave with an unbecoming pride: but, at the same + time, I shall always endeavour to know myself, and question not the assistance of + grace to that purpose." They were now summoned to breakfast, and thus ended their + discourse for the present, very little to the satisfaction of any of the parties.</p> + <p>Fanny was now walking in an avenue at some distance from the house, where Joseph + had promised to take the first opportunity of coming to her. She had not a shilling + in the world, and had subsisted ever since her return entirely on the charity of + parson Adams. A young gentleman, attended by many servants, came up to her, and asked + her if that was not the Lady Booby's house before him? This, indeed, he well knew; + but had framed the question for no other reason than to make her look up, and + discover if her face was equal to the delicacy of her shape. He no sooner saw it than + he was struck with amazement. He stopt his horse, and swore she was the most + beautiful creature he ever beheld. Then, instantly alighting and delivering his horse + to his servant, he rapt out half-a-dozen oaths that he would kiss her; to which she + at first submitted, begging he would not be rude; but he was not satisfied with the + civility of a salute, nor even with the rudest attack he could make on her lips, but + caught her in his arms, and endeavoured to kiss her breasts, which with all her + strength she resisted, and, as our spark was not of the Herculean race, with some + difficulty prevented. The young gentleman, being soon out of breath in the struggle, + quitted her, and, remounting his horse, called one of his servants to him, whom he + ordered to stay behind with her, and make her any offers whatever to prevail on her + to return home with him in the evening; and to assure her he would take her into + keeping. He then rode on with his other servants, and arrived at the lady's house, to + whom he was a distant relation, and was come to pay a visit.</p> + <p class="figure"><a id="figure3" name="figure3"></a> <img src="images/figure3.png" + width="100%" alt="" /><br /> + He ran towards her.</p> + <p>The trusty fellow, who was employed in an office he had been long accustomed to, + discharged his part with all the fidelity and dexterity imaginable, but to no + purpose. She was entirely deaf to his offers, and rejected them with the utmost + disdain. At last the pimp, who had perhaps more warm blood about him than his master, + began to sollicit for himself; he told her, though he was a servant, he was a man of + some fortune, which he would make her mistress of; and this without any insult to her + virtue, for that he would marry her. She answered, if his master himself, or the + greatest lord in the land, would marry her, she would refuse him. At last, being + weary with persuasions, and on fire with charms which would have almost kindled a + flame in the bosom of an ancient philosopher or modern divine, he fastened his horse + to the ground, and attacked her with much more force than the gentleman had exerted. + Poor Fanny would not have been able to resist his rudeness a short time, but the + deity who presides over chaste love sent her Joseph to her assistance. He no sooner + came within sight, and perceived her struggling with a man, than, like a cannon-ball, + or like lightning, or anything that is swifter, if anything be, he ran towards her, + and, coming up just as the ravisher had torn her handkerchief from her breast, before + his lips had touched that seat of innocence and bliss, he dealt him so lusty a blow + in that part of his neck which a rope would have become with the utmost propriety, + that the fellow staggered backwards, and, perceiving he had to do with something + rougher than the little, tender, trembling hand of Fanny, he quitted her, and, + turning about, saw his rival, with fire flashing from his eyes, again ready to assail + him; and, indeed, before he could well defend himself, or return the first blow, he + received a second, which, had it fallen on that part of the stomach to which it was + directed, would have been probably the last he would have had any occasion for; but + the ravisher, lifting up his hand, drove the blow upwards to his mouth, whence it + dislodged three of his teeth; and now, not conceiving any extraordinary affection for + the beauty of Joseph's person, nor being extremely pleased with this method of + salutation, he collected all his force, and aimed a blow at Joseph's breast, which he + artfully parried with one fist, so that it lost its force entirely in air; and, + stepping one foot backward, he darted his fist so fiercely at his enemy, that, had he + not caught it in his hand (for he was a boxer of no inferior fame), it must have + tumbled him on the ground. And now the ravisher meditated another blow, which he + aimed at that part of the breast where the heart is lodged; Joseph did not catch it + as before, yet so prevented its aim that it fell directly on his nose, but with + abated force. Joseph then, moving both fist and foot forwards at the same time, threw + his head so dexterously into the stomach of the ravisher that he fell a lifeless lump + on the field, where he lay many minutes breathless and motionless.</p> + <p>When Fanny saw her Joseph receive a blow in his face, and blood running in a + stream from him, she began to tear her hair and invoke all human and divine power to + his assistance. She was not, however, long under this affliction before Joseph, + having conquered his enemy, ran to her, and assured her he was not hurt; she then + instantly fell on her knees, and thanked God that he had made Joseph the means of her + rescue, and at the same time preserved him from being injured in attempting it. She + offered, with her handkerchief, to wipe his blood from his face; but he, seeing his + rival attempting to recover his legs, turned to him, and asked him if he had enough? + To which the other answered he had; for he believed he had fought with the devil + instead of a man; and, loosening his horse, said he should not have attempted the + wench if he had known she had been so well provided for.</p> + <p>Fanny now begged Joseph to return with her to parson Adams, and to promise that he + would leave her no more. These were propositions so agreeable to Joseph, that, had he + heard them, he would have given an immediate assent; but indeed his eyes were now his + only sense; for you may remember, reader, that the ravisher had tore her handkerchief + from Fanny's neck, by which he had discovered such a sight, that Joseph hath declared + all the statues he ever beheld were so much inferior to it in beauty, that it was + more capable of converting a man into a statue than of being imitated by the greatest + master of that art. This modest creature, whom no warmth in summer could ever induce + to expose her charms to the wanton sun, a modesty to which, perhaps, they owed their + inconceivable whiteness, had stood many minutes bare-necked in the presence of Joseph + before her apprehension of his danger and the horror of seeing his blood would suffer + her once to reflect on what concerned herself; till at last, when the cause of her + concern had vanished, an admiration at his silence, together with observing the fixed + position of his eyes, produced an idea in the lovely maid which brought more blood + into her face than had flowed from Joseph's nostrils. The snowy hue of her bosom was + likewise changed to vermilion at the instant when she clapped her handkerchief round + her neck. Joseph saw the uneasiness she suffered, and immediately removed his eyes + from an object, in surveying which he had felt the greatest delight which the organs + of sight were capable of conveying to his soul;—so great was his fear of + offending her, and so truly did his passion for her deserve the noble name of + love.</p> + <p>Fanny, being recovered from her confusion, which was almost equalled by what + Joseph had felt from observing it, again mentioned her request; this was instantly + and gladly complied with; and together they crossed two or three fields, which + brought them to the habitation of Mr Adams.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter8" name="book4chapter8">CHAPTER VIII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A discourse which happened between Mr Adams, Mrs Adams, + Joseph, and Fanny; with some behaviour of Mr Adams which will be called by some few + readers very low, absurd, and unnatural.</em></p> + <p>The parson and his wife had just ended a long dispute when the lovers came to the + door. Indeed, this young couple had been the subject of the dispute; for Mrs Adams + was one of those prudent people who never do anything to injure their families, or, + perhaps, one of those good mothers who would even stretch their conscience to serve + their children. She had long entertained hopes of seeing her eldest daughter succeed + Mrs Slipslop, and of making her second son an exciseman by Lady Booby's interest. + These were expectations she could not endure the thoughts of quitting, and was, + therefore, very uneasy to see her husband so resolute to oppose the lady's intention + in Fanny's affair. She told him, "It behoved every man to take the first care of his + family; that he had a wife and six children, the maintaining and providing for whom + would be business enough for him without intermeddling in other folks' affairs; that + he had always preached up submission to superiors, and would do ill to give an + example of the contrary behaviour in his own conduct; that if Lady Booby did wrong + she must answer for it herself, and the sin would not lie at their door; that Fanny + had been a servant, and bred up in the lady's own family, and consequently she must + have known more of her than they did, and it was very improbable, if she had behaved + herself well, that the lady would have been so bitterly her enemy; that perhaps he + was too much inclined to think well of her because she was handsome, but handsome + women were often no better than they should be; that G— made ugly women as well + as handsome ones; and that if a woman had virtue it signified nothing whether she had + beauty or no." For all which reasons she concluded he should oblige the lady, and + stop the future publication of the banns. But all these excellent arguments had no + effect on the parson, who persisted in doing his duty without regarding the + consequence it might have on his worldly interest. He endeavoured to answer her as + well as he could; to which she had just finished her reply (for she had always the + last word everywhere but at church) when Joseph and Fanny entered their kitchen, + where the parson and his wife then sat at breakfast over some bacon and cabbage. + There was a coldness in the civility of Mrs Adams which persons of accurate + speculation might have observed, but escaped her present guests; indeed, it was a + good deal covered by the heartiness of Adams, who no sooner heard that Fanny had + neither eat nor drank that morning than he presented her a bone of bacon he had just + been gnawing, being the only remains of his provision, and then ran nimbly to the + tap, and produced a mug of small beer, which he called ale; however, it was the best + in his house. Joseph, addressing himself to the parson, told him the discourse which + had past between Squire Booby, his sister, and himself concerning Fanny; he then + acquainted him with the dangers whence he had rescued her, and communicated some + apprehensions on her account. He concluded that he should never have an easy moment + till Fanny was absolutely his, and begged that he might be suffered to fetch a + licence, saying he could easily borrow the money. The parson answered, That he had + already given his sentiments concerning a licence, and that a very few days would + make it unnecessary. "Joseph," says he, "I wish this haste doth not arise rather from + your impatience than your fear; but, as it certainly springs from one of these + causes, I will examine both. Of each of these therefore in their turn; and first for + the first of these, namely, impatience. Now, child, I must inform you that, if in + your purposed marriage with this young woman you have no intention but the indulgence + of carnal appetites, you are guilty of a very heinous sin. Marriage was ordained for + nobler purposes, as you will learn when you hear the service provided on that + occasion read to you. Nay, perhaps, if you are a good lad, I, child, shall give you a + sermon gratis, wherein I shall demonstrate how little regard ought to be had to the + flesh on such occasions. The text will be Matthew the 5th, and part of the 28th + verse--<i>Whosoever looketh on a woman, so as to lust after her</i>. The latter part I shall + omit, as foreign to my purpose. Indeed, all such brutal lusts and affections are to + be greatly subdued, if not totally eradicated, before the vessel can be said to be + consecrated to honour. To marry with a view of gratifying those inclinations is a + prostitution of that holy ceremony, and must entail a curse on all who so lightly + undertake it. If, therefore, this haste arises from impatience, you are to correct, + and not give way to it. Now, as to the second head which I proposed to speak to, + namely, fear: it argues a diffidence, highly criminal, of that Power in which alone + we should put our trust, seeing we may be well assured that he is able, not only to + defeat the designs of our enemies, but even to turn their hearts. Instead of taking, + therefore, any unjustifiable or desperate means to rid ourselves of fear, we should + resort to prayer only on these occasions; and we may be then certain of obtaining + what is best for us. When any accident threatens us we are not to despair, nor, when + it overtakes us, to grieve; we must submit in all things to the will of Providence, + and set our affections so much on nothing here that we cannot quit it without + reluctance. You are a young man, and can know but little of this world; I am older, + and have seen a great deal. All passions are criminal in their excess; and even love + itself, if it is not subservient to our duty, may render us blind to it. Had Abraham + so loved his son Isaac as to refuse the sacrifice required, is there any of us who + would not condemn him? Joseph, I know your many good qualities, and value you for + them; but, as I am to render an account of your soul, which is committed to my cure, + I cannot see any fault without reminding you of it. You are too much inclined to + passion, child, and have set your affections so absolutely on this young woman, that, + if G— required her at your hands, I fear you would reluctantly part with her. + Now, believe me, no Christian ought so to set his heart on any person or thing in + this world, but that, whenever it shall be required or taken from him in any manner + by Divine Providence, he may be able, peaceably, quietly, and contentedly to resign + it." At which words one came hastily in, and acquainted Mr Adams that his youngest + son was drowned. He stood silent a moment, and soon began to stamp about the room and + deplore his loss with the bitterest agony. Joseph, who was overwhelmed with concern + likewise, recovered himself sufficiently to endeavour to comfort the parson; in which + attempt he used many arguments that he had at several times remembered out of his own + discourses, both in private and public (for he was a great enemy to the passions, and + preached nothing more than the conquest of them by reason and grace), but he was not + at leisure now to hearken to his advice. "Child, child," said he, "do not go about + impossibilities. Had it been any other of my children I could have borne it with + patience; but my little prattler, the darling and comfort of my old age—the + little wretch, to be snatched out of life just at his entrance into it; the sweetest, + best-tempered boy, who never did a thing to offend me. It was but this morning I gave + him his first lesson in <em>Que Genus</em>. This was the very book he learnt; poor + child! it is of no further use to thee now. He would have made the best scholar, and + have been an ornament to the Church;—such parts and such goodness never met in + one so young." "And the handsomest lad too," says Mrs Adams, recovering from a swoon + in Fanny's arms. "My poor Jacky, shall I never see thee more?" cries the parson. + "Yes, surely," says Joseph, "and in a better place; you will meet again, never to + part more." I believe the parson did not hear these words, for he paid little regard + to them, but went on lamenting, whilst the tears trickled down into his bosom. At + last he cried out, "Where is my little darling?" and was sallying out, when to his + great surprize and joy, in which I hope the reader will sympathize, he met his son in + a wet condition indeed, but alive and running towards him. The person who brought the + news of his misfortune had been a little too eager, as people sometimes are, from, I + believe, no very good principle, to relate ill news; and, seeing him fall into the + river, instead of running to his assistance, directly ran to acquaint his father of a + fate which he had concluded to be inevitable, but whence the child was relieved by + the same poor pedlar who had relieved his father before from a less distress. The + parson's joy was now as extravagant as his grief had been before; he kissed and + embraced his son a thousand times, and danced about the room like one frantic; but as + soon as he discovered the face of his old friend the pedlar, and heard the fresh + obligation he had to him, what were his sensations? not those which two courtiers + feel in one another's embraces; not those with which a great man receives the vile + treacherous engines of his wicked purposes, not those with which a worthless younger + brother wishes his elder joy of a son, or a man congratulates his rival on his + obtaining a mistress, a place, or an honour.—No, reader; he felt the + ebullition, the overflowings of a full, honest, open heart, towards the person who + had conferred a real obligation, and of which, if thou canst not conceive an idea + within, I will not vainly endeavour to assist thee.</p> + <p>When these tumults were over, the parson, taking Joseph aside, proceeded + thus—"No, Joseph, do not give too much way to thy passions, if thou dost expect + happiness." The patience of Joseph, nor perhaps of Job, could bear no longer; he + interrupted the parson, saying, "It was easier to give advice than take it; nor did + he perceive he could so entirely conquer himself, when he apprehended he had lost his + son, or when he found him recovered."—"Boy," replied Adams, raising his voice, + "it doth not become green heads to advise grey hairs.—Thou art ignorant of the + tenderness of fatherly affection; when thou art a father thou wilt be capable then + only of knowing what a father can feel. No man is obliged to impossibilities; and the + loss of a child is one of those great trials where our grief may be allowed to become + immoderate."—"Well, sir," cries Joseph, "and if I love a mistress as well as + you your child, surely her loss would grieve me equally."—"Yes, but such love + is foolishness and wrong in itself, and ought to be conquered," answered Adams; "it + savours too much of the flesh."—"Sure, sir," says Joseph, "it is not sinful to + love my wife, no, not even to doat on her to distraction!"—"Indeed but it is," + says Adams. "Every man ought to love his wife, no doubt; we are commanded so to do; + but we ought to love her with moderation and discretion."—"I am afraid I shall + be guilty of some sin in spite of all my endeavours," says Joseph; "for I shall love + without any moderation, I am sure."—"You talk foolishly and childishly," cries + Adams.—"Indeed," says Mrs Adams, who had listened to the latter part of their + conversation, "you talk more foolishly yourself. I hope, my dear, you will never + preach any such doctrine as that husbands can love their wives too well. If I knew + you had such a sermon in the house I am sure I would burn it, and I declare, if I had + not been convinced you had loved me as well as you could, I can answer for myself, I + should have hated and despised you. Marry come up! Fine doctrine, indeed! A wife hath + a right to insist on her husband's loving her as much as ever he can; and he is a + sinful villain who doth not. Doth he not promise to love her, and to comfort her, and + to cherish her, and all that? I am sure I remember it all as well as if I had + repeated it over but yesterday, and shall never forget it. Besides, I am certain you + do not preach as you practise; for you have been a loving and a cherishing husband to + me; that's the truth on't; and why you should endeavour to put such wicked nonsense + into this young man's head I cannot devise. Don't hearken to him, Mr Joseph; be as + good a husband as you are able, and love your wife with all your body and soul too." + Here a violent rap at the door put an end to their discourse, and produced a scene + which the reader will find in the next chapter.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter9" name="book4chapter9">CHAPTER IX.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>A visit which the polite Lady Booby and her polite friend paid + to the parson.</em></p> + <p>The Lady Booby had no sooner had an account from the gentleman of his meeting a + wonderful beauty near her house, and perceived the raptures with which he spoke of + her, than, immediately concluding it must be Fanny, she began to meditate a design of + bringing them better acquainted; and to entertain hopes that the fine clothes, + presents, and promises of this youth, would prevail on her to abandon Joseph: she + therefore proposed to her company a walk in the fields before dinner, when she led + them towards Mr Adams's house; and, as she approached it, told them if they pleased + she would divert them with one of the most ridiculous sights they had ever seen, + which was an old foolish parson, who, she said, laughing, kept a wife and six brats + on a salary of about twenty pounds a year; adding, that there was not such another + ragged family in the parish. They all readily agreed to this visit, and arrived + whilst Mrs Adams was declaiming as in the last chapter. Beau Didapper, which was the + name of the young gentleman we have seen riding towards Lady Booby's, with his cane + mimicked the rap of a London footman at the door. The people within, namely, Adams, + his wife and three children, Joseph, Fanny, and the pedlar, were all thrown into + confusion by this knock, but Adams went directly to the door, which being opened, the + Lady Booby and her company walked in, and were received by the parson with about two + hundred bows, and by his wife with as many curtsies; the latter telling the lady "She + was ashamed to be seen in such a pickle, and that her house was in such a litter; but + that if she had expected such an honour from her ladyship she should have found her + in a better manner." The parson made no apologies, though he was in his half-cassock + and a flannel nightcap. He said "They were heartily welcome to his poor cottage," and + turning to Mr Didapper, cried out, "<em>Non mea renidet in domo lacunar</em>." The + beau answered, "He did not understand Welsh;" at which the parson stared and made no + reply.</p> + <p>Mr Didapper, or beau Didapper, was a young gentleman of about four foot five + inches in height. He wore his own hair, though the scarcity of it might have given + him sufficient excuse for a periwig. His face was thin and pale; the shape of his + body and legs none of the best, for he had very narrow shoulders and no calf; and his + gait might more properly be called hopping than walking. The qualifications of his + mind were well adapted to his person. We shall handle them first negatively. He was + not entirely ignorant; for he could talk a little French and sing two or three + Italian songs; he had lived too much in the world to be bashful, and too much at + court to be proud: he seemed not much inclined to avarice, for he was profuse in his + expenses; nor had he all the features of prodigality, for he never gave a shilling: + no hater of women, for he always dangled after them; yet so little subject to lust, + that he had, among those who knew him best, the character of great moderation in his + pleasures; no drinker of wine; nor so addicted to passion but that a hot word or two + from an adversary made him immediately cool.</p> + <p>Now, to give him only a dash or two on the affirmative side: though he was born to + an immense fortune, he chose, for the pitiful and dirty consideration of a place of + little consequence, to depend entirely on the will of a fellow whom they call a great + man; who treated him with the utmost disrespect, and exacted of him a plenary + obedience to his commands, which he implicitly submitted to, at the expense of his + conscience, his honour, and of his country, in which he had himself so very large a + share. And to finish his character; as he was entirely well satisfied with his own + person and parts, so he was very apt to ridicule and laugh at any imperfection in + another. Such was the little person, or rather thing, that hopped after Lady Booby + into Mr Adams's kitchen.</p> + <p>The parson and his company retreated from the chimney-side, where they had been + seated, to give room to the lady and hers. Instead of returning any of the curtsies + or extraordinary civility of Mrs Adams, the lady, turning to Mr Booby, cried out, + "<em>Quelle Bête! Quel Animal!</em>" And presently after discovering Fanny (for she + did not need the circumstance of her standing by Joseph to assure the identity of her + person), she asked the beau "Whether he did not think her a pretty + girl?"—"Begad, madam," answered he, "'tis the very same I met." "I did not + imagine," replied the lady, "you had so good a taste."—"Because I never liked + you, I warrant," cries the beau. "Ridiculous!" said she: "you know you was always my + aversion." "I would never mention aversion," answered the beau, "with that face <a + id="footnote5tag" name="footnote5tag"></a><a href="#footnote5"><sup>5</sup></a>; dear + Lady Booby, wash your face before you mention aversion, I beseech you." He then + laughed, and turned about to coquet it with Fanny.</p> + <p>Mrs Adams had been all this time begging and praying the ladies to sit down, a + favour which she at last obtained. The little boy to whom the accident had happened, + still keeping his place by the fire, was chid by his mother for not being more + mannerly: but Lady Booby took his part, and, commending his beauty, told the parson + he was his very picture. She then, seeing a book in his hand, asked "If he could + read?"—"Yes," cried Adams, "a little Latin, madam: he is just got into Quae + Genus."—"A fig for quere genius!" answered she; "let me hear him read a little + English."—"Lege, Dick, lege," said Adams: but the boy made no answer, till he + saw the parson knit his brows, and then cried, "I don't understand you, + father."—"How, boy!" says Adams; "what doth lego make in the imperative mood? + Legito, doth it not?"—"Yes," answered Dick.—"And what besides ?" says the + father. "Lege," quoth the son, after some hesitation. "A good boy," says the father: + "and now, child, what is the English of lego?"—To which the boy, after long + puzzling, answered, he could not tell. "How!" cries Adams, in a passion;—"what, + hath the water washed away your learning? Why, what is Latin for the English verb + read? Consider before you speak." The child considered some time, and then the parson + cried twice or thrice, "Le—, Le—." Dick answered, "Lego."—"Very + well;—and then what is the English," says the parson, "of the verb + lego?"—"To read," cried Dick.—"Very well," said the parson; "a good boy: + you can do well if you will take pains.—I assure your ladyship he is not much + above eight years old, and is out of his Propria quae Maribus already.—Come, + Dick, read to her ladyship;"—which she again desiring, in order to give the + beau time and opportunity with Fanny, Dick began as in the following chapter.</p> + <p class="footnote"><a id="footnote5" name="footnote5"></a> <strong>Footnote + 5</strong>: Lest this should appear unnatural to some readers, we think proper to + acquaint them, that it is taken verbatim from very polite conversation. <a + href="#footnote5tag">(return)</a></p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter10" name="book4chapter10">CHAPTER X.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>The history of two friends, which may afford an useful lesson + to all those persons who happen to take up their residence in married + families.</em></p> + <p>"Leonard and Paul were two friends."—"Pronounce it Lennard, child," cried + the parson.—"Pray, Mr Adams," says Lady Booby, "let your son read without + interruption." Dick then proceeded. "Lennard and Paul were two friends, who, having + been educated together at the same school, commenced a friendship which they + preserved a long time for each other. It was so deeply fixed in both their minds, + that a long absence, during which they had maintained no correspondence, did not + eradicate nor lessen it: but it revived in all its force at their first meeting, + which was not till after fifteen years' absence, most of which time Lennard had spent + in the East Indi-es."—"Pronounce it short, Indies," says Adams.—"Pray? + sir, be quiet," says the lady.—The boy repeated—"in the East Indies, + whilst Paul had served his king and country in the army. In which different services + they had found such different success, that Lennard was now married, and retired with + a fortune of thirty thousand pounds; and Paul was arrived to the degree of a + lieutenant of foot; and was not worth a single shilling.</p> + <p>"The regiment in which Paul was stationed happened to be ordered into quarters + within a small distance from the estate which Lennard had purchased, and where he was + settled. This latter, who was now become a country gentleman, and a justice of peace, + came to attend the quarter sessions in the town where his old friend was quartered, + soon after his arrival. Some affair in which a soldier was concerned occasioned Paul + to attend the justices. Manhood, and time, and the change of climate had so much + altered Lennard, that Paul did not immediately recollect the features of his old + acquaintance: but it was otherwise with Lennard. He knew Paul the moment he saw him; + nor could he contain himself from quitting the bench, and running hastily to embrace + him. Paul stood at first a little surprized; but had soon sufficient information from + his friend, whom he no sooner remembered than he returned his embrace with a passion + which made many of the spectators laugh, and gave to some few a much higher and more + agreeable sensation.</p> + <p>"Not to detain the reader with minute circumstances, Lennard insisted on his + friend's returning with him to his house that evening; which request was complied + with, and leave for a month's absence for Paul obtained of the commanding + officer.</p> + <p>"If it was possible for any circumstance to give any addition to the happiness + which Paul proposed in this visit, he received that additional pleasure by finding, + on his arrival at his friend's house, that his lady was an old acquaintance which he + had formerly contracted at his quarters, and who had always appeared to be of a most + agreeable temper; a character she had ever maintained among her intimates, being of + that number, every individual of which is called quite the best sort of woman in the + world.</p> + <p>"But, good as this lady was, she was still a woman; that is to say, an angel, and + not an angel."—"You must mistake, child," cries the parson, "for you read + nonsense."—"It is so in the book," answered the son. Mr Adams was then silenced + by authority, and Dick proceeded—"For though her person was of that kind to + which men attribute the name of angel, yet in her mind she was perfectly woman. Of + which a great degree of obstinacy gave the most remarkable and perhaps most + pernicious instance.</p> + <p>"A day or two passed after Paul's arrival before any instances of this appeared; + but it was impossible to conceal it long. Both she and her husband soon lost all + apprehension from their friend's presence, and fell to their disputes with as much + vigour as ever. These were still pursued with the utmost ardour and eagerness, + however trifling the causes were whence they first arose. Nay, however incredible it + may seem, the little consequence of the matter in debate was frequently given as a + reason for the fierceness of the contention, as thus: 'If you loved me, sure you + would never dispute with me such a trifle as this.' The answer to which is very + obvious; for the argument would hold equally on both sides, and was constantly + retorted with some addition, as—'I am sure I have much more reason to say so, + who am in the right.' During all these disputes, Paul always kept strict silence, and + preserved an even countenance, without showing the least visible inclination to + either party. One day, however, when madam had left the room in a violent fury, + Lennard could not refrain from referring his cause to his friend. Was ever anything + so unreasonable, says he, as this woman? What shall I do with her? I doat on her to + distraction; nor have I any cause to complain of, more than this obstinacy in her + temper; whatever she asserts, she will maintain against all the reason and conviction + in the world. Pray give me your advice.—First, says Paul, I will give my + opinion, which is, flatly, that you are in the wrong; for, supposing she is in the + wrong, was the subject of your contention any ways material? What signified it + whether you was married in a red or a yellow waistcoat? for that was your dispute. + Now, suppose she was mistaken; as you love her you say so tenderly, and I believe she + deserves it, would it not have been wiser to have yielded, though you certainly knew + yourself in the right, than to give either her or yourself any uneasiness. + For my own part, if ever I marry, I am resolved to enter into an agreement with my + wife, that in all disputes (especially about trifles) that party who is most + convinced they are right shall always surrender the victory; by which means we shall + both be forward to give up the cause. I own, said Lennard, my dear friend, shaking + him by the hand, there is great truth and reason in what you say; and I will for the + future endeavour to follow your advice. They soon after broke up the conversation, + and Lennard, going to his wife, asked her pardon, and told her his friend had + convinced him he had been in the wrong. She immediately began a vast encomium on + Paul, in which he seconded her, and both agreed he was the worthiest and wisest man + upon earth. When next they met, which was at supper, though she had promised not to + mention what her husband told her, she could not forbear casting the kindest and most + affectionate looks on Paul, and asked him, with the sweetest voice, whether she + should help him to some potted woodcock? Potted partridge, my dear, you mean, says + the husband. My dear, says she, I ask your friend if he will eat any potted woodcock; + and I am sure I must know, who potted it. I think I should know too, who shot them, + replied the husband, and I am convinced that I have not seen a woodcock this year; + however, though I know I am in the right, I submit, and the potted partridge is + potted woodcock if you desire to have it so. It is equal to me, says she, whether it + is one or the other; but you would persuade one out of one's senses; to be sure, you + are always in the right in your own opinion; but your friend, I believe, knows which + he is eating. Paul answered nothing, and the dispute continued, as usual, the + greatest part of the evening. The next morning the lady, accidentally meeting Paul, + and being convinced he was her friend, and of her side, accosted him thus:—I am + certain, sir, you have long since wondered at the unreasonableness of my husband. He + is indeed, in other respects, a good sort of man, but so positive, that no woman but + one of my complying temper could possibly live with him. Why, last night, now, was + ever any creature so unreasonable? I am certain you must condemn him. Pray, answer + me, was he not in the wrong? Paul, after a short silence, spoke as follows: I am + sorry, madam, that, as good manners obliges me to answer against my will, so an + adherence to truth forces me to declare myself of a different opinion. To be plain + and honest, you was entirely in the wrong; the cause I own not worth disputing, but + the bird was undoubtedly a partridge. O sir! replyed the lady, I cannot possibly help + your taste. Madam, returned Paul, that is very little material; for, had it been + otherwise, a husband might have expected submission.—Indeed! sir, says she, I + assure you!—Yes, madam, cryed he, he might, from a person of your excellent + understanding; and pardon me for saying, such a condescension would have shown a + superiority of sense even to your husband himself.—But, dear sir, said she, why + should I submit when I am in the right?—For that very reason, answered he; it would + be the greatest instance of affection imaginable; for can anything be a greater + object of our compassion than a person we love in the wrong? Ay, but I should + endeavour, said she, to set him right. Pardon me, madam, answered Paul: I will apply + to your own experience if you ever found your arguments had that effect. The more our + judgments err, the less we are willing to own it: for my own part, I have always + observed the persons who maintain the worst side in any contest are the warmest. Why, + says she, I must confess there is truth in what you say, and I will endeavour to + practise it. The husband then coming in, Paul departed. And Leonard, approaching his + wife with an air of good humour, told her he was sorry for their foolish dispute the + last night; but he was now convinced of his error. She answered, smiling, she + believed she owed his condescension to his complacence; that she was ashamed to think + a word had passed on so silly an occasion, especially as she was satisfyed she had + been mistaken. A little contention followed, but with the utmost good-will to each + other, and was concluded by her asserting that Paul had thoroughly convinced her she + had been in the wrong. Upon which they both united in the praises of their common + friend.</p> + <p>"Paul now passed his time with great satisfaction, these disputes being much less + frequent, as well as shorter than usual; but the devil, or some unlucky accident in + which perhaps the devil had no hand, shortly put an end to his happiness. He was now + eternally the private referee of every difference; in which, after having perfectly, + as he thought, established the doctrine of submission, he never scrupled to assure + both privately that they were in the right in every argument, as before he had + followed the contrary method. One day a violent litigation happened in his absence, + and both parties agreed to refer it to his decision. The husband professing himself + sure the decision would be in his favour; the wife answered, he might be mistaken; + for she believed his friend was convinced how seldom she was to blame; and that if he + knew all—The husband replied, My dear, I have no desire of any retrospect; but + I believe, if you knew all too, you would not imagine my friend so entirely on your + side. Nay, says she, since you provoke me, I will mention one instance. You may + remember our dispute about sending Jackey to school in cold weather, which point I + gave up to you from mere compassion, knowing myself to be in the right; and Paul + himself told me afterwards he thought me so. My dear, replied the husband, I will not + scruple your veracity; but I assure you solemnly, on my applying to him, he gave it + absolutely on my side, and said he would have acted in the same manner. They then + proceeded to produce numberless other instances, in all which Paul had, on vows of + secresy, given his opinion on both sides. In the conclusion, both believing each + other, they fell severely on the treachery of Paul, and agreed that he had been the + occasion of almost every dispute which had fallen out between them. They then became + extremely loving, and so full of condescension on both sides, that they vyed with + each other in censuring their own conduct, and jointly vented their indignation on + Paul, whom the wife, fearing a bloody consequence, earnestly entreated her husband to + suffer quietly to depart the next day, which was the time fixed for his return to + quarters, and then drop his acquaintance.</p> + <p>"However ungenerous this behaviour in Lennard may be esteemed, his wife obtained a + promise from him (though with difficulty) to follow her advice; but they both + expressed such unusual coldness that day to Paul, that he, who was quick of + apprehension, taking Lennard aside, pressed him so home, that he at last discovered + the secret. Paul acknowledged the truth, but told him the design with which he had + done it.—To which the other answered, he would have acted more friendly to have + let him into the whole design; for that he might have assured himself of his secresy. + Paul replyed, with some indignation, he had given him a sufficient proof how capable + he was of concealing a secret from his wife. Lennard returned with some + warmth—he had more reason to upbraid him, for that he had caused most of the + quarrels between them by his strange conduct, and might (if they had not discovered + the affair to each other) have been the occasion of their separation. Paul then + said"—But something now happened which put a stop to Dick's reading, and of + which we shall treat in the next chapter.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter11" name="book4chapter11">CHAPTER XI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>In which the history is continued.</em></p> + <p>Joseph Andrews had borne with great uneasiness the impertinence of beau Didapper + to Fanny, who had been talking pretty freely to her, and offering her settlements; + but the respect to the company had restrained him from interfering whilst the beau + confined himself to the use of his tongue only; but the said beau, watching an + opportunity whilst the ladies' eyes were disposed another way, offered a rudeness to + her with his hands; which Joseph no sooner perceived than he presented him with so + sound a box on the ear, that it conveyed him several paces from where he stood. The + ladies immediately screamed out, rose from their chairs; and the beau, as soon as he + recovered himself, drew his hanger: which Adams observing, snatched up the lid of a + pot in his left hand, and, covering himself with it as with a shield, without any + weapon of offence in his other hand, stept in before Joseph, and exposed himself to + the enraged beau, who threatened such perdition and destruction, that it frighted the + women, who were all got in a huddle together, out of their wits, even to hear his + denunciations of vengeance. Joseph was of a different complexion, and begged Adams to + let his rival come on; for he had a good cudgel in his hand, and did not fear him. + Fanny now fainted into Mrs Adams's arms, and the whole room was in confusion, when Mr + Booby, passing by Adams, who lay snug under the pot-lid, came up to Didapper, and + insisted on his sheathing the hanger, promising he should have satisfaction; which + Joseph declared he would give him, and fight him at any weapon whatever. The beau now + sheathed his hanger, and taking out a pocket-glass, and vowing vengeance all the + time, re-adjusted his hair; the parson deposited his shield; and Joseph, running to + Fanny, soon brought her back to life. Lady Booby chid Joseph for his insult on + Didapper; but he answered, he would have attacked an army in the same cause. "What + cause?" said the lady. "Madam," answered Joseph, "he was rude to that young + woman."—"What," says the lady, "I suppose he would have kissed the wench; and + is a gentleman to be struck for such an offer? I must tell you, Joseph, these airs do + not become you."—"Madam," said Mr Booby, "I saw the whole affair, and I do not + commend my brother; for I cannot perceive why he should take upon him to be this + girl's champion."—"I can commend him," says Adams: "he is a brave lad; and it + becomes any man to be the champion of the innocent; and he must be the basest coward + who would not vindicate a woman with whom he is on the brink of + marriage."—"Sir," says Mr Booby, "my brother is not a proper match for such a + young woman as this."—"No," says Lady Booby; "nor do you, Mr Adams, act in your + proper character by encouraging any such doings; and I am very much surprized you + should concern yourself in it. I think your wife and family your properer + care."—"Indeed, madam, your ladyship says very true," answered Mrs Adams: "he + talks a pack of nonsense, that the whole parish are his children. I am sure I don't + understand what he means by it; it would make some women suspect he had gone astray, + but I acquit him of that; I can read Scripture as well as he, and I never found that + the parson was obliged to provide for other folks' children; and besides, he is but a + poor curate, and hath little enough, as your ladyship knows, for me and + mine."—"You say very well, Mrs Adams," quoth the Lady Booby, who had not spoke + a word to her before; "you seem to be a very sensible woman; and I assure you, your + husband is acting a very foolish part, and opposing his own interest, seeing my + nephew is violently set against this match: and indeed I can't blame him; it is by no + means one suitable to our family." In this manner the lady proceeded with Mrs Adams, + whilst the beau hopped about the room, shaking his head, partly from pain and partly + from anger; and Pamela was chiding Fanny for her assurance in aiming at such a match + as her brother. Poor Fanny answered only with her tears, which had long since begun + to wet her handkerchief; which Joseph perceiving, took her by the arm, and wrapping + it in his carried her off, swearing he would own no relation to any one who was an + enemy to her he loved more than all the world. He went out with Fanny under his left + arm, brandishing a cudgel in his right, and neither Mr Booby nor the beau thought + proper to oppose him. Lady Booby and her company made a very short stay behind him; + for the lady's bell now summoned them to dress; for which they had just time before + dinner.</p> + <p>Adams seemed now very much dejected, which his wife perceiving, began to apply + some matrimonial balsam. She told him he had reason to be concerned, for that he had + probably ruined his family with his tricks almost; but perhaps he was grieved for the + loss of his two children, Joseph and Fanny. His eldest daughter went on: "Indeed, + father, it is very hard to bring strangers here to eat your children's bread out of + their mouths. You have kept them ever since they came home; and, for anything I see + to the contrary, may keep them a month longer; are you obliged to give her meat, + tho'f she was never so handsome? But I don't see she is so much handsomer than other + people. If people were to be kept for their beauty, she would scarce fare better than + her neighbours, I believe. As for Mr Joseph, I have nothing to say; he is a young man + of honest principles, and will pay some time or other for what he hath; but for the + girl—why doth she not return to her place she ran away from? I would not give + such a vagabond slut a halfpenny though I had a million of money; no, though she was + starving." "Indeed but I would," cries little Dick; "and, father, rather than poor + Fanny shall be starved, I will give her all this bread and cheese"—(offering + what he held in his hand). Adams smiled on the boy, and told him he rejoiced to see + he was a Christian; and that if he had a halfpenny in his pocket, he would have given + it him; telling him it was his duty to look upon all his neighbours as his brothers + and sisters, and love them accordingly. "Yes, papa," says he, "I love her better than + my sisters, for she is handsomer than any of them." "Is she so, saucebox?" says the + sister, giving him a box on the ear; which the father would probably have resented, + had not Joseph, Fanny, and the pedlar at that instant returned together. Adams bid + his wife prepare some food for their dinner; she said, "Truly she could not, she had + something else to do." Adams rebuked her for disputing his commands, and quoted many + texts of Scripture to prove "That the husband is the head of the wife, and she is to + submit and obey." The wife answered, "It was blasphemy to talk Scripture out of + church; that such things were very proper to be said in the pulpit, but that it was + profane to talk them in common discourse." Joseph told Mr Adams "He was not come with + any design to give him or Mrs Adams any trouble; but to desire the favour of all + their company to the George (an ale-house in the parish), where he had bespoke a + piece of bacon and greens for their dinner." Mrs Adams, who was a very good sort of + woman, only rather too strict in oeconomies, readily accepted this invitation, as did + the parson himself by her example; and away they all walked together, not omitting + little Dick, to whom Joseph gave a shilling when he heard of his intended liberality + to Fanny.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter12" name="book4chapter12">CHAPTER XII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Where the good-natured reader will see something which will + give him no great pleasure.</em></p> + <p>The pedlar had been very inquisitive from the time he had first heard that the + great house in this parish belonged to the Lady Booby, and had learnt that she was + the widow of Sir Thomas, and that Sir Thomas had bought Fanny, at about the age of + three or four years, of a travelling woman; and, now their homely but hearty meal was + ended, he told Fanny he believed he could acquaint her with her parents. The whole + company, especially she herself, started at this offer of the pedlar's. He then + proceeded thus, while they all lent their strictest attention:—"Though I am now + contented with this humble way of getting my livelihood, I was formerly a gentleman; + for so all those of my profession are called. In a word, I was a drummer in an Irish + regiment of foot. Whilst I was in this honourable station I attended an officer of + our regiment into England a-recruiting. In our march from Bristol to Froome (for + since the decay of the woollen trade the clothing towns have furnished the army with + a great number of recruits) we overtook on the road a woman, who seemed to be about + thirty years old or thereabouts, not very handsome, but well enough for a soldier. As + we came up to her, she mended her pace, and falling into discourse with our ladies + (for every man of the party, namely, a serjeant, two private men, and a drum, were + provided with their woman except myself), she continued to travel on with us. I, + perceiving she must fall to my lot, advanced presently to her, made love to her in + our military way, and quickly succeeded to my wishes. We struck a bargain within a + mile, and lived together as man and wife to her dying day." "I suppose," says Adams, + interrupting him, "you were married with a licence; for I don't see how you could + contrive to have the banns published while you were marching from place to place." + "No, sir," said the pedlar, "we took a licence to go to bed together without any + banns." "Ay! ay!" said the parson; "<em>ex necessitate</em>, a licence may be + allowable enough; but surely, surely, the other is the more regular and eligible + way." The pedlar proceeded thus: "She returned with me to our regiment, and removed + with us from quarters to quarters, till at last, whilst we lay at Galloway, she fell + ill of a fever and died. When she was on her death-bed she called me to her, and, + crying bitterly, declared she could not depart this world without discovering a + secret to me, which, she said, was the only sin which sat heavy on her heart. She + said she had formerly travelled in a company of gypsies, who had made a practice of + stealing away children; that for her own part, she had been only once guilty of the + crime; which, she said, she lamented more than all the rest of her sins, since + probably it might have occasioned the death of the parents; for, added she, it is + almost impossible to describe the beauty of the young creature, which was about a + year and a half old when I kidnapped it. We kept her (for she was a girl) above two + years in our company, when I sold her myself, for three guineas, to Sir Thomas Booby, + in Somersetshire. Now, you know whether there are any more of that name in this + county." "Yes," says Adams, "there are several Boobys who are squires, but I believe + no baronet now alive; besides, it answers so exactly in every point, there is no room + for doubt; but you have forgot to tell us the parents from whom the child was + stolen." "Their name," answered the pedlar, "was Andrews. They lived about thirty + miles from the squire; and she told me that I might be sure to find them out by one + circumstance; for that they had a daughter of a very strange name, Pamela, or + Pam<em>e</em>la; some pronounced it one way, and some the other." Fanny, who had + changed colour at the first mention of the name, now fainted away; Joseph turned + pale, and poor Dicky began to roar; the parson fell on his knees, and ejaculated many + thanksgivings that this discovery had been made before the dreadful sin of incest was + committed; and the pedlar was struck with amazement, not being able to account for + all this confusion; the cause of which was presently opened by the parson's daughter, + who was the only unconcerned person (for the mother was chafing Fanny's temples, and + taking the utmost care of her): and, indeed, Fanny was the only creature whom the + daughter would not have pitied in her situation; wherein, though we compassionate her + ourselves, we shall leave her for a little while, and pay a short visit to Lady + Booby.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter13" name="book4chapter13">CHAPTER XIII.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>The history, returning to the Lady Booby, gives some account + of the terrible conflict in her breast between love and pride; with what happened on + the present discovery.</em></p> + <p>The lady sat down with her company to dinner, but eat nothing. As soon as her + cloth was removed she whispered Pamela that she was taken a little ill, and desired + her to entertain her husband and beau Didapper. She then went up into her chamber, + sent for Slipslop, threw herself on the bed in the agonies of love, rage, and + despair; nor could she conceal these boiling passions longer without bursting. + Slipslop now approached her bed, and asked how her ladyship did; but, instead of + revealing her disorder, as she intended, she entered into a long encomium on the + beauty and virtues of Joseph Andrews; ending, at last, with expressing her concern + that so much tenderness should be thrown away on so despicable an object as Fanny. + Slipslop, well knowing how to humour her mistress's frenzy, proceeded to repeat, with + exaggeration, if possible, all her mistress had said, and concluded with a wish that + Joseph had been a gentleman, and that she could see her lady in the arms of such a + husband. The lady then started from the bed, and, taking a turn or two across the + room, cryed out, with a deep sigh, "Sure he would make any woman happy!"—"Your + ladyship," says she, "would be the happiest woman in the world with him. A fig for + custom and nonsense! What 'vails what people say? Shall I be afraid of eating + sweetmeats because people may say I have a sweet tooth? If I had a mind to marry a + man, all the world should not hinder me. Your ladyship hath no parents to tutelar + your infections; besides, he is of your ladyship's family now, and as good a + gentleman as any in the country; and why should not a woman follow her mind as well + as man? Why should not your ladyship marry the brother as well as your nephew the + sister. I am sure, if it was a fragrant crime, I would not persuade your ladyship to + it."—"But, dear Slipslop," answered the lady, "if I could prevail on myself to + commit such a weakness, there is that cursed Fanny in the way, whom the idiot—O + how I hate and despise him!"—"She! a little ugly mynx," cries Slipslop; "leave + her to me. I suppose your ladyship hath heard of Joseph's fitting with one of Mr + Didapper's servants about her; and his master hath ordered them to carry her away by + force this evening. I'll take care they shall not want assistance. I was talking with + this gentleman, who was below, just when your ladyship sent for me."—"Go back," + says the Lady Booby, "this instant, for I expect Mr Didapper will soon be going. Do + all you can; for I am resolved this wench shall not be in our family: I will + endeavour to return to the company; but let me know as soon as she is carried off." + Slipslop went away; and her mistress began to arraign her own conduct in the + following manner:—</p> + <p>"What am I doing? How do I suffer this passion to creep imperceptibly upon me? How + many days are past since I could have submitted to ask myself the question?—Marry a + footman! Distraction! Can I afterwards bear the eyes of my acquaintance? But I can + retire from them; retire with one in whom I propose more happiness than the world + without him can give me! Retire-to feed continually on beauties which my inflamed + imagination sickens with eagerly gazing on; to satisfy every appetite, every desire, + with their utmost wish. Ha! and do I doat thus on a footman? I despise, I detest my + passion.—Yet why? Is he not generous, gentle, kind?—Kind! to whom? to the + meanest wretch, a creature below my consideration. Doth he not—yes, he doth + prefer her. Curse his beauties, and the little low heart that possesses them; which + can basely descend to this despicable wench, and be ungratefully deaf to all the + honours I do him. And can I then love this monster? No, I will tear his image from my + bosom, tread on him, spurn him. I will have those pitiful charms, which now I + despise, mangled in my sight; for I will not suffer the little jade I hate to riot in + the beauties I contemn. No; though I despise him myself, though I would spurn him + from my feet, was he to languish at them, no other should taste the happiness I + scorn. Why do I say happiness? To me it would be misery. To sacrifice my reputation, + my character, my rank in life, to the indulgence of a mean and a vile appetite! How I + detest the thought! How much more exquisite is the pleasure resulting from the + reflection of virtue and prudence than the faint relish of what flows from vice and + folly! Whither did I suffer this improper, this mad passion to hurry me, only by + neglecting to summon the aids of reason to my assistance? Reason, which hath now set + before me my desires in their proper colours, and immediately helped me to expel + them. Yes, I thank Heaven and my pride, I have now perfectly conquered this unworthy + passion; and if there was no obstacle in its way, my pride would disdain any + pleasures which could be the consequence of so base, so mean, so vulgar—" Slipslop + returned at this instant in a violent hurry, and with the utmost eagerness cryed out, + "O madam! I have strange news. Tom the footman is just come from the George; where, + it seems, Joseph and the rest of them are a jinketting; and he says there is a + strange man who hath discovered that Fanny and Joseph are brother and + sister."—"How, Slipslop?" cries the lady, in a surprize.—"I had not time, + madam," cries Slipslop, "to enquire about particles, but Tom says it is most + certainly true."</p> + <p>This unexpected account entirely obliterated all those admirable reflections which + the supreme power of reason had so wisely made just before. In short, when despair, + which had more share in producing the resolutions of hatred we have seen taken, began + to retreat, the lady hesitated a moment, and then, forgetting all the purport of her + soliloquy, dismissed her woman again, with orders to bid Tom attend her in the + parlour, whither she now hastened to acquaint Pamela with the news. Pamela said she + could not believe it; for she had never heard that her mother had lost any child, or + that she had ever had any more than Joseph and herself. The lady flew into a violent + rage with her, and talked of upstarts and disowning relations who had so lately been + on a level with her. Pamela made no answer; but her husband, taking up her cause, + severely reprimanded his aunt for her behaviour to his wife: he told her, if it had + been earlier in the evening she should not have staid a moment longer in her house; + that he was convinced, if this young woman could be proved her sister, she would + readily embrace her as such, and he himself would do the same. He then desired the + fellow might be sent for, and the young woman with him, which Lady Booby immediately + ordered; and, thinking proper to make some apology to Pamela for what she had said, + it was readily accepted, and all things reconciled.</p> + <p>The pedlar now attended, as did Fanny and Joseph, who would not quit her; the + parson likewise was induced, not only by curiosity, of which he had no small portion, + but his duty, as he apprehended it, to follow them; for he continued all the way to + exhort them, who were now breaking their hearts, to offer up thanksgivings, and be + joyful for so miraculous an escape.</p> + <p>When they arrived at Booby-Hall they were presently called into the parlour, where + the pedlar repeated the same story he had told before, and insisted on the truth of + every circumstance; so that all who heard him were extremely well satisfied of the + truth, except Pamela, who imagined, as she had never heard either of her parents + mention such an accident, that it must be certainly false; and except the Lady Booby, + who suspected the falsehood of the story from her ardent desire that it should be + true; and Joseph, who feared its truth, from his earnest wishes that it might prove + false.</p> + <p>Mr Booby now desired them all to suspend their curiosity and absolute belief or + disbelief till the next morning, when he expected old Mr Andrews and his wife to + fetch himself and Pamela home in his coach, and then they might be certain of + certainly knowing the truth or falsehood of this relation; in which, he said, as + there were many strong circumstances to induce their credit, so he could not perceive + any interest the pedlar could have in inventing it, or in endeavouring to impose such + a falsehood on them.</p> + <p>The Lady Booby, who was very little used to such company, entertained them + all—<em>viz</em>. her nephew, his wife, her brother and sister, the beau, and + the parson, with great good humour at her own table. As to the pedlar, she ordered + him to be made as welcome as possible by her servants. All the company in the + parlour, except the disappointed lovers, who sat sullen and silent, were full of + mirth; for Mr Booby had prevailed on Joseph to ask Mr Didapper's pardon, with which + he was perfectly satisfied. Many jokes passed between the beau and the parson, + chiefly on each other's dress; these afforded much diversion to the company. Pamela + chid her brother Joseph for the concern which he exprest at discovering a new sister. + She said, if he loved Fanny as he ought, with a pure affection, he had no reason to + lament being related to her.—Upon which Adams began to discourse on Platonic + love; whence he made a quick transition to the joys in the next world, and concluded + with strongly asserting that there was no such thing as pleasure in this. At which + Pamela and her husband smiled on one another.</p> + <p>This happy pair proposing to retire (for no other person gave the least symptom of + desiring rest), they all repaired to several beds provided for them in the same + house; nor was Adams himself suffered to go home, it being a stormy night. Fanny + indeed often begged she might go home with the parson; but her stay was so strongly + insisted on, that she at last, by Joseph's advice, consented.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter14" name="book4chapter14">CHAPTER XIV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams + fell into many hair-breadth 'scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and partly to his + inadvertency.</em></p> + <p>About an hour after they had all separated (it being now past three in the + morning), beau Didapper, whose passion for Fanny permitted him not to close his eyes, + but had employed his imagination in contrivances how to satisfy his desires, at last + hit on a method by which he hoped to effect it. He had ordered his servant to bring + him word where Fanny lay, and had received his information; he therefore arose, put + on his breeches and nightgown, and stole softly along the gallery which led to her + apartment; and, being come to the door, as he imagined it, he opened it with the + least noise possible and entered the chamber. A savour now invaded his nostrils which + he did not expect in the room of so sweet a young creature, and which might have + probably had no good effect on a cooler lover. However, he groped out the bed with + difficulty, for there was not a glimpse of light, and, opening the curtains, he + whispered in Joseph's voice (for he was an excellent mimic), "Fanny, my angel! I am + come to inform thee that I have discovered the falsehood of the story we last night + heard. I am no longer thy brother, but the lover; nor will I be delayed the enjoyment + of thee one moment longer. You have sufficient assurances of my constancy not to + doubt my marrying you, and it would be want of love to deny me the possession of thy + charms."—So saying, he disencumbered himself from the little clothes he had on, + and, leaping into bed, embraced his angel, as he conceived her, with great rapture. + If he was surprized at receiving no answer, he was no less pleased to find his hug + returned with equal ardour. He remained not long in this sweet confusion; for both he + and his paramour presently discovered their error. Indeed it was no other than the + accomplished Slipslop whom he had engaged; but, though she immediately knew the + person whom she had mistaken for Joseph, he was at a loss to guess at the + representative of Fanny. He had so little seen or taken notice of this gentlewoman, + that light itself would have afforded him no assistance in his conjecture. Beau + Didapper no sooner had perceived his mistake than he attempted to escape from the bed + with much greater haste than he had made to it; but the watchful Slipslop prevented + him. For that prudent woman, being disappointed of those delicious offerings which + her fancy had promised her pleasure, resolved to make an immediate sacrifice to her + virtue. Indeed she wanted an opportunity to heal some wounds, which her late conduct + had, she feared, given her reputation; and, as she had a wonderful presence of mind, + she conceived the person of the unfortunate beau to be luckily thrown in her way to + restore her lady's opinion of her impregnable chastity. At that instant, therefore, + when he offered to leap from the bed, she caught fast hold of his shirt, at the same + time roaring out, "O thou villain! who hast attacked my chastity, and, I believe, + ruined me in my sleep; I will swear a rape against thee, I will prosecute thee with + the utmost vengeance." The beau attempted to get loose, but she held him fast, and + when he struggled she cried out "Murder! murder! rape! robbery! ruin!" At which + words, parson Adams, who lay in the next chamber, wakeful, and meditating on the + pedlar's discovery, jumped out of bed, and, without staying to put a rag of clothes + on, hastened into the apartment whence the cries proceeded. He made directly to the + bed in the dark, where, laying hold of the beau's skin (for Slipslop had torn his + shirt almost off), and finding his skin extremely soft, and hearing him in a low + voice begging Slipslop to let him go, he no longer doubted but this was the young + woman in danger of ravishing, and immediately falling on the bed, and laying hold on + Slipslop's chin, where he found a rough beard, his belief was confirmed; he therefore + rescued the beau, who presently made his escape, and then, turning towards Slipslop, + received such a cuff on his chops, that, his wrath kindling instantly, he offered to + return the favour so stoutly, that had poor Slipslop received the fist, which in the + dark passed by her and fell on the pillow, she would most probably have given up the + ghost. Adams, missing his blow, fell directly on Slipslop, who cuffed and scratched + as well as she could; nor was he behindhand with her in his endeavours, but happily + the darkness of the night befriended her. She then cried she was a woman; but Adams + answered, she was rather the devil, and if she was he would grapple with him; and, + being again irritated by another stroke on his chops, he gave her such a remembrance + in the guts, that she began to roar loud enough to be heard all over the house. Adams + then, seizing her by the hair (for her double-clout had fallen off in the scuffle), + pinned her head down to the bolster, and then both called for lights together. The + Lady Booby, who was as wakeful as any of her guests, had been alarmed from the + beginning; and, being a woman of a bold spirit, she slipt on a nightgown, petticoat, + and slippers, and taking a candle, which always burnt in her chamber, in her hand, + she walked undauntedly to Slipslop's room; where she entered just at the instant as + Adams had discovered, by the two mountains which Slipslop carried before her, that he + was concerned with a female. He then concluded her to be a witch, and said he fancied + those breasts gave suck to a legion of devils. Slipslop, seeing Lady Booby enter the + room, cried help! or I am ravished, with a most audible voice: and Adams, perceiving + the light, turned hastily, and saw the lady (as she did him) just as she came to the + feet of the bed; nor did her modesty, when she found the naked condition of Adams, + suffer her to approach farther. She then began to revile the parson as the wickedest + of all men, and particularly railed at his impudence in chusing her house for the + scene of his debaucheries, and her own woman for the object of his bestiality. Poor + Adams had before discovered the countenance of his bedfellow, and, now first + recollecting he was naked, he was no less confounded than Lady Booby herself, and + immediately whipt under the bedclothes, whence the chaste Slipslop endeavoured in + vain to shut him out. Then putting forth his head, on which, by way of ornament, he + wore a flannel nightcap, he protested his innocence, and asked ten thousand pardons + of Mrs Slipslop for the blows he had struck her, vowing he had mistaken her for a + witch. Lady Booby, then casting her eyes on the ground, observed something sparkle + with great lustre, which, when she had taken it up, appeared to be a very fine pair + of diamond buttons for the sleeves. A little farther she saw lie the sleeve itself of + a shirt with laced ruffles. "Heyday!" says she, "what is the meaning of this?" "O, + madam," says Slipslop, "I don't know what hath happened, I have been so terrified. + Here may have been a dozen men in the room." "To whom belongs this laced shirt and + jewels?" says the lady. "Undoubtedly," cries the parson, "to the young gentleman whom + I mistook for a woman on coming into the room, whence proceeded all the subsequent + mistakes; for if I had suspected him for a man, I would have seized him, had he been + another Hercules, though, indeed, he seems rather to resemble Hylas." He then gave an + account of the reason of his rising from bed, and the rest, till the lady came into + the room; at which, and the figures of Slipslop and her gallant, whose heads only + were visible at the opposite corners of the bed, she could not refrain from laughter; + nor did Slipslop persist in accusing the parson of any motions towards a rape. The + lady therefore desired him to return to his bed as soon as she was departed, and then + ordering Slipslop to rise and attend her in her own room, she returned herself + thither. When she was gone, Adams renewed his petitions for pardon to Mrs Slipslop, + who, with a most Christian temper, not only forgave, but began to move with much + courtesy towards him, which he taking as a hint to begin, immediately quitted the + bed, and made the best of his way towards his own; but unluckily, instead of turning + to the right, he turned to the left, and went to the apartment where Fanny lay, who + (as the reader may remember) had not slept a wink the preceding night, and who was so + hagged out with what had happened to her in the day, that, notwithstanding all + thoughts of her Joseph, she was fallen into so profound a sleep, that all the noise + in the adjoining room had not been able to disturb her. Adams groped out the bed, + and, turning the clothes down softly, a custom Mrs Adams had long accustomed him to, + crept in, and deposited his carcase on the bed-post, a place which that good woman + had always assigned him.</p> + <p>As the cat or lap-dog of some lovely nymph, for whom ten thousand lovers languish, + lies quietly by the side of the charming maid, and, ignorant of the scene of delight + on which they repose, meditates the future capture of a mouse, or surprisal of a + plate of bread and butter: so Adams lay by the side of Fanny, ignorant of the + paradise to which he was so near; nor could the emanation of sweets which flowed from + her breath overpower the fumes of tobacco which played in the parson's nostrils. And + now sleep had not overtaken the good man, when Joseph, who had secretly appointed + Fanny to come to her at the break of day, rapped softly at the chamber-door, which + when he had repeated twice, Adams cryed, "Come in, whoever you are." Joseph thought + he had mistaken the door, though she had given him the most exact directions; + however, knowing his friend's voice, he opened it, and saw some female vestments + lying on a chair. Fanny waking at the same instant, and stretching out her hand on + Adams's beard, she cried out,—"O heavens! where am I?" "Bless me! where am I?" + said the parson. Then Fanny screamed, Adams leapt out of bed, and Joseph stood, as + the tragedians call it, like the statue of Surprize. "How came she into my room?" + cryed Adams. "How came you into hers?" cryed Joseph, in an astonishment. "I know + nothing of the matter," answered Adams, "but that she is a vestal for me. As I am a + Christian, I know not whether she is a man or woman. He is an infidel who doth not + believe in witchcraft. They as surely exist now as in the days of Saul. My clothes + are bewitched away too, and Fanny's brought into their place." For he still insisted + he was in his own apartment; but Fanny denied it vehemently, and said his attempting + to persuade Joseph of such a falsehood convinced her of his wicked designs. "How!" + said Joseph in a rage, "hath he offered any rudeness to you?" She answered—She + could not accuse him of any more than villanously stealing to bed to her, which she + thought rudeness sufficient, and what no man would do without a wicked intention.</p> + <p>Joseph's great opinion of Adams was not easily to be staggered, and when he heard + from Fanny that no harm had happened he grew a little cooler; yet still he was + confounded, and, as he knew the house, and that the women's apartments were on this + side Mrs Slipslop's room, and the men's on the other, he was convinced that he was in + Fanny's chamber. Assuring Adams therefore of this truth, he begged him to give some + account how he came there. Adams then, standing in his shirt, which did not offend + Fanny, as the curtains of the bed were drawn, related all that had happened; and when + he had ended Joseph told him,—It was plain he had mistaken by turning to the + right instead of the left. "Odso!" cries Adams, "that's true: as sure as sixpence, + you have hit on the very thing." He then traversed the room, rubbing his hands, and + begged Fanny's pardon, assuring her he did not know whether she was man or woman. + That innocent creature firmly believing all he said, told him she was no longer + angry, and begged Joseph to conduct him into his own apartment, where he should stay + himself till she had put her clothes on. Joseph and Adams accordingly departed, and + the latter soon was convinced of the mistake he had committed; however, whilst he was + dressing himself, he often asserted he believed in the power of witchcraft + notwithstanding, and did not see how a Christian could deny it.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter15" name="book4chapter15">CHAPTER XV.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>The arrival of Gaffar and Gammar Andrews, with another person + not much expected; and a perfect solution of the difficulties raised by the + pedlar.</em></p> + <p>As soon as Fanny was drest Joseph returned to her, and they had a long + conversation together, the conclusion of which was, that, if they found themselves to + be really brother and sister, they vowed a perpetual celibacy, and to live together + all their days, and indulge a Platonic friendship for each other.</p> + <p>The company were all very merry at breakfast, and Joseph and Fanny rather more + chearful than the preceding night. The Lady Booby produced the diamond button, which + the beau most readily owned, and alledged that he was very subject to walk in his + sleep. Indeed, he was far from being ashamed of his amour, and rather endeavoured to + insinuate that more than was really true had passed between him and the fair + Slipslop.</p> + <p>Their tea was scarce over when news came of the arrival of old Mr Andrews and his + wife. They were immediately introduced, and kindly received by the Lady Booby, whose + heart went now pit-a-pat, as did those of Joseph and Fanny. They felt, perhaps, + little less anxiety in this interval than Oedipus himself, whilst his fate was + revealing.</p> + <p>Mr Booby first opened the cause by informing the old gentleman that he had a child + in the company more than he knew of, and, taking Fanny by the hand, told him, this + was that daughter of his who had been stolen away by gypsies in her infancy. Mr + Andrews, after expressing some astonishment, assured his honour that he had never + lost a daughter by gypsies, nor ever had any other children than Joseph and Pamela. + These words were a cordial to the two lovers; but had a different effect on Lady + Booby. She ordered the pedlar to be called, who recounted his story as he had done + before.—At the end of which, old Mrs Andrews, running to Fanny, embraced her, + crying out, "She is, she is my child!" The company were all amazed at this + disagreement between the man and his wife; and the blood had now forsaken the cheeks + of the lovers, when the old woman, turning to her husband, who was more surprized + than all the rest, and having a little recovered her own spirits, delivered herself + as follows: "You may remember, my dear, when you went a serjeant to Gibraltar, you + left me big with child; you stayed abroad, you know, upwards of three years. In your + absence I was brought to bed, I verily believe, of this daughter, whom I am sure I + have reason to remember, for I suckled her at this very breast till the day she was + stolen from me. One afternoon, when the child was about a year, or a year and a half + old, or thereabouts, two gypsy-women came to the door and offered to tell my fortune. + One of them had a child in her lap. I showed them my hand, and desired to know if you + was ever to come home again, which I remember as well as if it was but yesterday: + they faithfully promised me you should.—I left the girl in the cradle and went + to draw them a cup of liquor, the best I had: when I returned with the pot (I am sure + I was not absent longer than whilst I am telling it to you) the women were gone. I + was afraid they had stolen something, and looked and looked, but to no purpose, and, + Heaven knows, I had very little for them to steal. At last, hearing the child cry in + the cradle, I went to take it up—but, O the living! how was I surprized to + find, instead of my own girl that I had put into the cradle, who was as fine a fat + thriving child as you shall see in a summer's day, a poor sickly boy, that did not + seem to have an hour to live. I ran out, pulling my hair off and crying like any mad + after the women, but never could hear a word of them from that day to this. When I + came back the poor infant (which is our Joseph there, as stout as he now stands) + lifted up its eyes upon me so piteously, that, to be sure, notwithstanding my + passion, I could not find in my heart to do it any mischief. A neighbour of mine, + happening to come in at the same time, and hearing the case, advised me to take care + of this poor child, and God would perhaps one day restore me my own. Upon which I + took the child up, and suckled it to be sure, all the world as if it had been born of + my own natural body; and as true as I am alive, in a little time I loved the boy all + to nothing as if it had been my own girl.—Well, as I was saying, times growing + very hard, I having two children and nothing but my own work, which was little + enough, God knows, to maintain them, was obliged to ask relief of the parish; but, + instead of giving it me, they removed me, by justices' warrants, fifteen miles, to + the place where I now live, where I had not been long settled before you came home. + Joseph (for that was the name I gave him myself—the Lord knows whether he was + baptized or no, or by what name), Joseph, I say, seemed to me about five years old + when you returned; for I believe he is two or three years older than our daughter + here (for I am thoroughly convinced she is the same); and when you saw him you said + he was a chopping boy, without ever minding his age; and so I, seeing you did not + suspect anything of the matter, thought I might e'en as well keep it to myself, for + fear you should not love him as well as I did. And all this is veritably true, and I + will take my oath of it before any justice in the kingdom."</p> + <p>The pedlar, who had been summoned by the order of Lady Booby, listened with the + utmost attention to Gammar Andrews's story; and, when she had finished, asked her if + the supposititious child had no mark on its breast? To which she answered, "Yes, he + had as fine a strawberry as ever grew in a garden." This Joseph acknowledged, and, + unbuttoning his coat, at the intercession of the company, showed to them. "Well," + says Gaffar Andrews, who was a comical sly old fellow, and very likely desired to + have no more children than he could keep, "you have proved, I think, very plainly, + that this boy doth not belong to us; but how are you certain that the girl is ours?" + The parson then brought the pedlar forward, and desired him to repeat the story which + he had communicated to him the preceding day at the ale-house; which he complied + with, and related what the reader, as well as Mr Adams, hath seen before. He then + confirmed, from his wife's report, all the circumstances of the exchange, and of the + strawberry on Joseph's breast. At the repetition of the word strawberry, Adams, who + had seen it without any emotion, started and cried, "Bless me! something comes into + my head." But before he had time to bring anything out a servant called him forth. + When he was gone the pedlar assured Joseph that his parents were persons of much + greater circumstances than those he had hitherto mistaken for such; for that he had + been stolen from a gentleman's house by those whom they call gypsies, and had been + kept by them during a whole year, when, looking on him as in a dying condition, they + had exchanged him for the other healthier child, in the manner before related. He + said, As to the name of his father, his wife had either never known or forgot it; but + that she had acquainted him he lived about forty miles from the place where the + exchange had been made, and which way, promising to spare no pains in endeavouring + with him to discover the place.</p> + <p>But Fortune, which seldom doth good or ill, or makes men happy or miserable, by + halves, resolved to spare him this labour. The reader may please to recollect that Mr + Wilson had intended a journey to the west, in which he was to pass through Mr Adams's + parish, and had promised to call on him. He was now arrived at the Lady Booby's gates + for that purpose, being directed thither from the parson's house, and had sent in the + servant whom we have above seen call Mr Adams forth. This had no sooner mentioned the + discovery of a stolen child, and had uttered the word strawberry, than Mr Wilson, + with wildness in his looks, and the utmost eagerness in his words, begged to be + shewed into the room, where he entered without the least regard to any of the company + but Joseph, and, embracing him with a complexion all pale and trembling, desired to + see the mark on his breast; the parson followed him capering, rubbing his hands, and + crying out, <em>Hic est quem quaeris; inventus est, &c</em>. Joseph complied with + the request of Mr Wilson, who no sooner saw the mark than, abandoning himself to the + most extravagant rapture of passion, he embraced Joseph with inexpressible ecstasy, + and cried out in tears of joy, "I have discovered my son, I have him again in my + arms!" Joseph was not sufficiently apprized yet to taste the same delight with his + father (for so in reality he was); however, he returned some warmth to his embraces: + but he no sooner perceived, from his father's account, the agreement of every + circumstance, of person, time, and place, than he threw himself at his feet, and, + embracing his knees, with tears begged his blessing, which was given with much + affection, and received with such respect, mixed with such tenderness on both sides, + that it affected all present; but none so much as Lady Booby, who left the room in an + agony, which was but too much perceived, and not very charitably accounted for by + some of the company.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="book4chapter16" name="book4chapter16">CHAPTER XVI.</a></h2> + <p class="chtitle"><em>Being the last in which this true history is brought to a + happy conclusion.</em></p> + <p>Fanny was very little behind her Joseph in the duty she exprest towards her + parents, and the joy she evidenced in discovering them. Gammar Andrews kissed her, + and said, She was heartily glad to see her; but for her part, she could never love + any one better than Joseph. Gaffar Andrews testified no remarkable emotion: he + blessed and kissed her, but complained bitterly that he wanted his pipe, not having + had a whiff that morning.</p> + <p>Mr Booby, who knew nothing of his aunt's fondness, imputed her abrupt departure to + her pride, and disdain of the family into which he was married; he was therefore + desirous to be gone with the utmost celerity; and now, having congratulated Mr Wilson + and Joseph on the discovery, he saluted Fanny, called her sister, and introduced her + as such to Pamela, who behaved with great decency on the occasion.</p> + <p>He now sent a message to his aunt, who returned that she wished him a good + journey, but was too disordered to see any company: he therefore prepared to set out, + having invited Mr Wilson to his house; and Pamela and Joseph both so insisted on his + complying, that he at last consented, having first obtained a messenger from Mr Booby + to acquaint his wife with the news; which, as he knew it would render her completely + happy, he could not prevail on himself to delay a moment in acquainting her with.</p> + <p>The company were ranged in this manner: the two old people, with their two + daughters, rode in the coach; the squire, Mr Wilson, Joseph, parson Adams, and the + pedlar, proceeded on horseback.</p> + <p>In their way, Joseph informed his father of his intended match with Fanny; to + which, though he expressed some reluctance at first, on the eagerness of his son's + instances he consented; saying, if she was so good a creature as she appeared, and he + described her, he thought the disadvantages of birth and fortune might be + compensated. He however insisted on the match being deferred till he had seen his + mother; in which, Joseph perceiving him positive, with great duty obeyed him, to the + great delight of parson Adams, who by these means saw an opportunity of fulfilling + the Church forms, and marrying his parishioners without a licence.</p> + <p>Mr Adams, greatly exulting on this occasion (for such ceremonies were matters of + no small moment with him), accidentally gave spurs to his horse, which the generous + beast disdaining—for he was of high mettle, and had been used to more expert + riders than the gentleman who at present bestrode him, for whose horsemanship he had + perhaps some contempt—immediately ran away full speed, and played so many antic + tricks that he tumbled the parson from his back; which Joseph perceiving, came to his + relief.</p> + <p>This accident afforded infinite merriment to the servants, and no less frighted + poor Fanny, who beheld him as he passed by the coach; but the mirth of the one and + terror of the other were soon determined, when the parson declared he had received no + damage.</p> + <p>The horse having freed himself from his unworthy rider, as he probably thought + him, proceeded to make the best of his way; but was stopped by a gentleman and his + servants, who were travelling the opposite way, and were now at a little distance + from the coach. They soon met; and as one of the servants delivered Adams his horse, + his master hailed him, and Adams, looking up, presently recollected he was the + justice of peace before whom he and Fanny had made their appearance. The parson + presently saluted him very kindly; and the justice informed him that he had found the + fellow who attempted to swear against him and the young woman the very next day, and + had committed him to Salisbury gaol, where he was charged with many robberies.</p> + <p>Many compliments having passed between the parson and the justice, the latter + proceeded on his journey; and the former, having with some disdain refused Joseph's + offer of changing horses, and declared he was as able a horseman as any in the + kingdom, remounted his beast; and now the company again proceeded, and happily + arrived at their journey's end, Mr Adams, by good luck, rather than by good riding, + escaping a second fall.</p> + <p>The company, arriving at Mr Booby's house, were all received by him in the most + courteous and entertained in the most splendid manner, after the custom of the old + English hospitality, which is still preserved in some very few families in the remote + parts of England. They all passed that day with the utmost satisfaction; it being + perhaps impossible to find any set of people more solidly and sincerely happy. Joseph + and Fanny found means to be alone upwards of two hours, which were the shortest but + the sweetest imaginable.</p> + <p>In the morning Mr Wilson proposed to his son to make a visit with him to his + mother; which, notwithstanding his dutiful inclinations, and a longing desire he had + to see her, a little concerned him, as he must be obliged to leave his Fanny; but the + goodness of Mr Booby relieved him; for he proposed to send his own coach and six for + Mrs Wilson, whom Pamela so very earnestly invited, that Mr Wilson at length agreed + with the entreaties of Mr Booby and Joseph, and suffered the coach to go empty for + his wife.</p> + <p>On Saturday night the coach returned with Mrs Wilson, who added one more to this + happy assembly. The reader may imagine much better and quicker too than I can + describe the many embraces and tears of joy which succeeded her arrival. It is + sufficient to say she was easily prevailed with to follow her husband's example in + consenting to the match.</p> + <p>On Sunday Mr Adams performed the service at the squire's parish church, the curate + of which very kindly exchanged duty, and rode twenty miles to the Lady Booby's parish + so to do; being particularly charged not to omit publishing the banns, being the + third and last time.</p> + <p>At length the happy day arrived which was to put Joseph in the possession of all + his wishes. He arose, and drest himself in a neat but plain suit of Mr Booby's, which + exactly fitted him; for he refused all finery; as did Fanny likewise, who could be + prevailed on by Pamela to attire herself in nothing richer than a white dimity + nightgown. Her shift indeed, which Pamela presented her, was of the finest kind, and + had an edging of lace round the bosom. She likewise equipped her with a pair of fine + white thread stockings, which were all she would accept; for she wore one of her own + short round-eared caps, and over it a little straw hat, lined with cherry-coloured + silk, and tied with a cherry-coloured ribbon. In this dress she came forth from her + chamber, blushing and breathing sweets; and was by Joseph, whose eyes sparkled fire, + led to church, the whole family attending, where Mr Adams performed the ceremony; at + which nothing was so remarkable as the extraordinary and unaffected modesty of Fanny, + unless the true Christian piety of Adams, who publickly rebuked Mr Booby and Pamela + for laughing in so sacred a place, and on so solemn an occasion. Our parson would + have done no less to the highest prince on earth; for, though he paid all submission + and deference to his superiors in other matters, where the least spice of religion + intervened he immediately lost all respect of persons. It was his maxim, that he was + a servant of the Highest, and could not, without departing from his duty, give up the + least article of his honour or of his cause to the greatest earthly potentate. + Indeed, he always asserted that Mr Adams at church with his surplice on, and Mr Adams + without that ornament in any other place, were two very different persons.</p> + <p>When the church rites were over Joseph led his blooming bride back to Mr Booby's + (for the distance was so very little they did not think proper to use a coach); the + whole company attended them likewise on foot; and now a most magnificent + entertainment was provided, at which parson Adams demonstrated an appetite surprizing + as well as surpassing every one present. Indeed the only persons who betrayed any + deficiency on this occasion were those on whose account the feast was provided. They + pampered their imaginations with the much more exquisite repast which the approach of + night promised them; the thoughts of which filled both their minds, though with + different sensations; the one all desire, while the other had her wishes tempered + with fears.</p> + <p>At length, after a day passed with the utmost merriment, corrected by the + strictest decency, in which, however, parson Adams, being well filled with ale and + pudding, had given a loose to more facetiousness than was usual to him, the happy, + the blest moment arrived when Fanny retired with her mother, her mother-in-law, and + her sister.</p> + <p>She was soon undrest; for she had no jewels to deposit in their caskets, nor fine + laces to fold with the nicest exactness. Undressing to her was properly discovering, + not putting off, ornaments; for, as all her charms were the gifts of nature, she + could divest herself of none. How, reader, shall I give thee an adequate idea of this + lovely young creature? the bloom of roses and lilies might a little illustrate her + complexion, or their smell her sweetness; but to comprehend her entirely, conceive + youth, health, bloom, neatness, and innocence, in her bridal bed; conceive all these + in their utmost perfection, and you may place the charming Fanny's picture before + your eyes.</p> + <p>Joseph no sooner heard she was in bed than he fled with the utmost eagerness to + her. A minute carried him into her arms, where we shall leave this happy couple to + enjoy the private rewards of their constancy; rewards so great and sweet, that I + apprehend Joseph neither envied the noblest duke, nor Fanny the finest duchess, that + night.</p> + <p>The third day Mr Wilson and his wife, with their son and daughter, returned home; + where they now live together in a state of bliss scarce ever equalled. Mr Booby hath, + with unprecedented generosity, given Fanny a fortune of two thousand pounds, which + Joseph hath laid out in a little estate in the same parish with his father, which he + now occupies (his father having stocked it for him); and Fanny presides with most + excellent management in his dairy; where, however, she is not at present very able to + bustle much, being, as Mr Wilson informs me in his last letter, extremely big with + her first child.</p> + <p>Mr Booby hath presented Mr Adams with a living of one hundred and thirty pounds a + year. He at first refused it, resolving not to quit his parishioners, with whom he + had lived so long; but, on recollecting he might keep a curate at this living, he + hath been lately inducted into it.</p> + <p>The pedlar, besides several handsome presents, both from Mr Wilson and Mr Booby, + is, by the latter's interest, made an exciseman; a trust which he discharges with + such justice, that he is greatly beloved in his neighbourhood.</p> + <p>As for the Lady Booby, she returned to London in a few days, where a young captain + of dragoons, together with eternal parties at cards, soon obliterated the memory of + Joseph.</p> + <p>Joseph remains blest with his Fanny, whom he doats on with the utmost tenderness, + which is all returned on her side. The happiness of this couple is a perpetual + fountain of pleasure to their fond parents; and, what is particularly remarkable, he + declares he will imitate them in their retirement, nor will be prevailed on by any + booksellers, or their authors, to make his appearance in high life.</p> + <hr /> + <h2>THE END.</h2> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2, by Henry Fielding + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSEPH ANDREWS, VOL. 2 *** + +***** This file should be named 9609-h.htm or 9609-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/6/0/9609/ + +Produced by Charles Franks, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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