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The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, Saturday,
June 4, 1870, by Various

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Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, Saturday, June 4, 1870

Author: Various

Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9544]
Release Date: December, 2005
First Posted: October 7, 2003

Language: English

Character set encoding: ASCII

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 4, 1870 ***




Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project
Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously
made available by Cornell University











PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 1870.

PUBLISHED BY THE

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,

83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.





[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 10.]






CONANT'S

_PATENT BINDERS_

FOR

"PUNCHINELLO,"

to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt
of One Dollar, by

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,

83 Nassau Street, New York City.

       *       *       *       *       *

TO NEWS-DEALERS.

PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY.

THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL,

Bound in a Handsome Cover,

IS NOW READY. Price, Fifty Cents.

THE TRADE

SUPPLIED BY THE

AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,

Who are now prepared to receive Orders.

       *       *       *       *       *

HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S

STEEL PENS.

These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper
than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called
to the following grades, as being better suited for business purposes
than any Pen manufactured. The

"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive,"

We recommend for bank and office use.

D. APPLETON & CO.,

_Sole Agents for United States_.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Sidenote: See 15th page for Extra Premiums.]

       *       *       *       *       *

_Will Shortly appear: Our New Serial, written expressly for
Punchinello,
by ORPHEUS C. KERR, Entitled, "The Mystery of Mr. E. Drood." To be
continued weekly during this year._


APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN

"PUNCHINELLO"

Should be addressed to

J. NICKINSON,

Room No. 4,

83 NASSAU STREET.

       *       *       *       *       *

Notice to Ladies.

DIBBLEE,

Of 854 Broadway,

Has just received a large assortment of all the latest styles of

Chignons, Chatelaines, etc.

FROM PARIS.

Comprising the following beautiful varieties:

La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet,

La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc.,

At prices varying from $2 upward.

       *       *       *       *       *

PHELAN & COLLENDER,

MANUFACTURERS OF

Standard American Billiard Tables.

WAREROOMS AND OFFICE,

738 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK.

       *       *       *       *       *

NEW-YORK CITIZEN

AND

ROUND TABLE,

A Literary, Political, and Sporting paper, with

the best writers in each department. Published every Saturday.

PRICE--Ten Cents.

32 Beckman Street.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: [Hercules with club and Apple of the Hesperides]
COPYRIGHT SECURED.]

HERCULES MUTUAL
LIFE ASSURANCE
SOCIETY
OF THE UNITED STATES.

No. 240 Broadway, New-York.

POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE.

All Policies

Entitled to Participation in Profits.

Dividends Declared Annually.


JAMES D. REYMERT, President.

ASHER S. MILLS,
Secretary.

THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D.,
Medical Examiner.

ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE
MERCHANTS
Life Insurance Company
OF NEW-YORK.

OFFICE, 257 BROADWAY,

ORGANIZED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF NEW-YORK.

Issues all kinds of Life and Endowment Policies on the Mutual System, free
from restriction on travel and occupation, which permit residence
anywhere without extra charge.

Premiums may be paid annually, semi-annually, or quarterly in cash.

All Policies are non-forfeitable, and participate in the profits of the
Company.

Dividends are made annually, on the Contribution plan.

Pamphlets containing Rates of Premium, and information on the subject of
Life Insurance, may be obtained at the office of the Company, or any of
its Agents.

Parties desiring to represent this Company in the capacity of Agents
will please address the New-York Office.


WILLIAM T. PHIPPS

_President_.

A.D. HOLLY, _Secretary_.

HENRY HILTON, _Counsel_.

O.S. PAINE, M. D. _Medical Examiner_

C.H. KING, M.D. _Asst. Med Ex._


_Each Agent in direct communication with the New-York Office._

       *       *       *       *       *

Mercantile Library

Clinton Hall, Astor Place,

NEW-YORK.


This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of
volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.

Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.


TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:

TO CLERKS,

$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.

TO OTHERS, $5 a year.

SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR

SIX MONTHS.


BRANCH OFFICES

AT

NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,

AND AT

Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.

       *       *       *       *       *

AMERICAN

BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING,

AND

SEWING-MACHINE CO.,

572 and 574 Broadway, New-York.


This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
all the former machines, making, in addition to all work done on best
Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful

BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES,

in all fabrics.

Machine, with finely finished

OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER

complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $50. This last
is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in
order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full
instruction given to purchasers.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HENRY SPEAR. PRINTER-LITHOGRAPHER STATIONER
BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.  82 WALL ST. NEW YORK.]

       *       *       *       *       *

J. NICKINSON

begs to announce to the friends of

"PUNCHINELLO"

residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has
Made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of

ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED.

the same will be forwarded, postage paid.

Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses
can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.

OFFICE OF

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.

83 Nassau Street,

[P.O. Box 2783.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[ILLUSTRATION: WHAT WE MAY CONFIDENTLY LOOK FOR.

_Jurywoman_. "I BEG TO INTERRUPT THE COURT WITH THE REQUEST THAT, BEFORE
THE CASE PROCEEDS ANY FURTHER, THE SHERIFF BE DIRECTED TO PROVIDE THE
JURYMAN ON MY RIGHT WITH A BOTTLE OF LURIN'S EXTRACT, OTHERWISE THE
FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE JURY WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE
CONSEQUENCES," etc., etc.]

       *       *       *       *       *

A CONSISTENT LEAGUE.

Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia
determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more,
they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is
vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the
public good.

One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the
grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their
respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment,
Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and
gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by
the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with
blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous
fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk;
enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and
rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall
the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand
Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N;
GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di.
LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY,
and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in
the most reckless _abandon_. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs,
and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean
programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly
gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the
African race, to see such gentlemen as _Senator_ REVELS, FREDERICK
DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls
of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the
League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant
shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored
fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall
be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that
they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private
reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to
deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the
success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the
very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it
was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their
colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the
approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most
affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League,
nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and
caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the
exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the
punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the
cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut
staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in
the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent
dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up
the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked
at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect
satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored
race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that
the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty!

       *       *       *       *       *

Good Reading for Topers.

MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life."

       *       *       *       *       *

Sporting Intelligence.

A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200."

That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the
world for $2000.

       *       *       *       *       *

The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government.

CABINET Whiskey.

       *       *       *       *       *

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.]

The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and
calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous
description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly
forego.

We subjoin a few specimens:

"MR. PUNCHINELLO. _Dear Sir_: My wife died yesterday, and would you be
so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble
of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away
to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred
dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide
amongst the children.

"Yours in affliction,

"SOLOMON SNIPP."


"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is,
if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you
please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is
_sure_. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I
expect to be insane. Good pay for good work.

"Sincerely,

"P. MCFINIGAN.

"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?"


"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch
plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your
office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was
busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile
baby yells.

"Yours truly,

"C. PUGSBY.

"P.S. _Later_. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go
insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be
afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby
keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty
somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you?

"C. P."


_Answer_. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy
and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you
are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would
rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey.

       *       *       *       *       *

"BEAUTIFUL SNOW."

Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting
the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived,
PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the
subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever.

It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so
long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It
may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in
July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer
98 deg. in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced
claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench,
and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by
the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful
Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of
the poem.

       *       *       *       *       *

Fish Culture.

The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and
inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he
will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no
doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man.
But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its
operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St.
Marie.

       *       *       *       *       *

Linsey-Woolsey.

The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been
supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact
oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the
expedition, so far as it has gone.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TOO TRUE! Scene-Academy. Time-Spring of 70. Miss Smith.
"WHAT DOES 'N.A.' MEAN AFTER SOME OF THESE ARTISTS' NAMES?" Miss Brown.
"N.A. WHY IT MUST MEAN 'NEEDY ARTISTS.' POOR FELLOWS!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

Bivalvulor Intelligence.

It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by
thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the
Bridgeport _Standard_ calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for
the people of the Stratford shore.

       *       *       *       *       *

The Fifteenth Amendment.

The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well;
but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities
intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.

[Illustration: C]

Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly
six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the
metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the
look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each
mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold.
The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed
spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are
now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their
kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to
BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the
convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and
cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and
forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain
solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general
impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of
amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer
at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh
Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S
Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore
unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the
rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles.

FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made
his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the
Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the
property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to
hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the
tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his
ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk.

_Enter Landlord, presenting his bill_. "Here, sir, you've been drinking
my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it."

_Fox_. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I
wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not
until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall
reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more."

_Landlord_. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your
conduct."

(_Enter Sir Gander_.)

_Fox_. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you."

_Sir Gander_. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK."

_Fox_. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning,
from matrimony, from reading the _Nation,_ from mothers-in-law, and all
other calamities mentioned in the litany."

_Sir Gander_. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well."

_Fox_. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner."

_Sir Gander_. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am
convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money,
and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (_He pays,
lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans
simulates the arrival of a train. Sir_ GANDER _departs and_ JACK GOSLING
_enters._)

_Fox_. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you."

_Jack_. "I don't know you. I'm not my father."

_Fox_. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a
bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride.
'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (_They sit
down and_ JACK _immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another
proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the
stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it
is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally_
JACK _falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.)

Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald
in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon_.
"I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST
is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco
Minstrels can beat him out of sight."

_Accompanying Young Female Person_. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see
a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they
have at WALLACK'S."

_Respectable Old Gentleman_. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--"

_Every Body Else_. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much
since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon."

The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has
successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a
pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the
Major that a flock of crows is in sight.

_Major Mandrake_. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and
I will shoot the crows." (_He goes out, and shoots_ JACK, _who is
climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying_ JACK.)

_Major_. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the
crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot
a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me."

_Jack_. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might
induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet
coat is an impostor."

_Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons_. "Away with the wretch! He
himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes
no resistance."

JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival.
He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage
carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by
ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of
the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod
with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox
and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes
refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his
foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally
comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain
falls.

_Comic Man_. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company,
remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he
carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the
river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!"

And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable
man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt
with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre.
He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia _Day_ loses its
brightest ornament.

The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is
too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival
editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium
of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag"
ends the play.

(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its
invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag"
and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated
with the name.)

And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the
magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of
the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the
golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is
supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs
only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent."

MATADOR.

       *       *       *       *       *

Remarks by Our Stammering Contributor.

The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of
expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more
Frou-frou-frugality.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PISCATORY DISCUSSION.

_Uncle Walton_. "THAR! DIDN'T I TOLE YER? KNOW'D HE COULDN'T KETCH NO
FISH WID DAT 'AR BUGGY-WHIP OF A THING!"

_Isaac_. "YAH! DON'T TALK!--WAIT TILL HE TURNS DAT 'AR CRANK, AND SEE IF
DE PEERCH DON'T COME A-WINDIN' IN!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

COMIC ZOOLOGY.

THE MONKEY TRIBE.

Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut
of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will
doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated
specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and
appear to have music in their soles. For its feats _a pied_, the tame
monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him.

To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in
their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying
their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be
found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some
aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry
Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the
Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the
animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness;
the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage,
always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which
are particularly Rum Customers.

Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic
consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he
now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These
philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the
base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey
apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words,
with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little
Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand
for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the
Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang
Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with
Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it.

There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--_Simia
Similibus_. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the
opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it
is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much
sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress.
Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem
disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by
hook or by crook.

The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them
if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent
that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as
among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE GREAT AFRICAN TEA COMPANY.

MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the
above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I
shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co.
the benefit of your enormous influence.

The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as
follows:

The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships
in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the
old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for
a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.)

At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise
Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at
least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she
would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co.

These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near
the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African
Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our
Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the
tea-drinkers.

Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and
strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising
we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising
the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great
many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can
afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which,
in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the
Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always
know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having
either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the
presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it
plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in
this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of
our kind--or _upon_ our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people
_like to be imposed upon,_ and can always be taken with the Economical
hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it
may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless
you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields!

We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call
Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior)
article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and
is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter
could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily
believe we make money by it.

A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal
value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.)

T. T. T. (for the Co.)

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR CUBAN TELEGRAMS.

We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special
arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the
only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which
were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how
full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be:

FIRST DISPATCH.

HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--A great battle was
fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats.
General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had
eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The
Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred
prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will
crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the
island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two.

SECOND DISPATCH.

9:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--A great battle was fought
yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General
VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven
thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The
brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred
prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will
crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the
island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two.

THIRD DISPATCH.

10 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--Our victory was more complete than
at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one
drummer-boy slightly wounded.

FOURTH DISPATCH.

10:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--Our victory was more
complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only
loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized.

FIFTH DISPATCH.

11 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men,
and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory
was complete.

SIXTH DISPATCH.

11:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--VALMESEDA had only two
hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed.
The victory was complete.

SEVENTH DISPATCH.

12 M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at
first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly
outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery
was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken.

EIGHTH DISPATCH.

12:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The battle was not so
bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty
men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was
captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken.

NINTH DISPATCH.

1 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--It is now known that the battle was
only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon
their extra linen. They were repulsed however.

TENTH DISPATCH.

1:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--It is now known that the
battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of
eggs, but were repulsed.

ELEVENTH DISPATCH.

3 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have
originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty
Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape.

TWELFTH DISPATCH.

2:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The rumor of a battle
evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a
Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested.

THIRTEENTH DISPATCH.

3 A.M.--(_From the American, Consul_.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a
stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All
is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island.

At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches,
however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ONE VIEW OF THE QUESTION.

_Nervous Man_. "UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, AND THROUGH NO END OF CROOKED
PASSAGES. HOW AM I TO GET OUT IN CASE OF FIRE?"

_Polite Waiter_. "NO OCCASION WHATEVER FOR ANXIETY, SIR; THE HOUSE IS
FULLY INSURED."]

       *       *       *       *       *

A Good Turn Meant.

THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the
young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If
our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few
of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely.

       *       *       *       *       *

The Dumb Beasts' Friend.

Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he
opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says
in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself.
That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a
Terrier to their enemies.

       *       *       *       *       *

Land and Water.

An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The
request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable
well Landed.

       *       *       *       *       *

The Kellogg Testimonial.

Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of
the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA
LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit
Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of
fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if
EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put
the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so
greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has
such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next
benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she
be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do
it.

       *       *       *       *       *

Latest About Garibaldi.

It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the
Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the
Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact
that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt.

[Illustration: (Man about to stomp on mole marked "Arcade RR.") BROADWAY
SAVED! GOVERNOR HOFFMAN PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN UPON THE MOLE THAT WAS GOING
TO UNDERMINE OUR GREAT THOROUGHFARE.]

       *       *       *       *       *

Stridor Dentium.

The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a
shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked,
discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were
physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most
beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on
this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable
age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house.
Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should
not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for
casuists.

       *       *       *       *       *

English News.

It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament
for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was
the image of his mother.

       *       *       *       *       *

In the Air.

_Voice at Rome_. "I am the infallible PIO Nono."

_Echo, everywhere_. "'No! no!'"

       *       *       *       *       *

Ancient Inscription on the Throne of Spain.

M. T.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ROBINS.

[_Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the
American newspapers_.]

  There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain,
  It's a libel on the sunshine, its a slander on the rain;
  And through my brain, in consequence, there darts a horrid thought
  Of exasperating wheelbarrows, and signs, with torture fraught!
  So, all these breezy mornings through my teeth is poured the strain:
  _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_

  They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste;
  Plums, cherries, ditto, ditto, which these maurauders waste--
  Who never _will_ catch worms and flies, as smaller "warblers" do,
  But want precisely those nice things which grow for me and you!
  I muse on all their robberies, and mutter this fierce strain:
  _Confound these odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_

  Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet!
  Firstly, they're _not_ true "Robins," but a base, inferior set;
  Second, there is no music in their creaking, croaking shriek;
  Third, they are slow and stupid--common birds from tail to beak!
  Tis said, "they come so early." Well, I'd rather they'd come late.
  They're simply made for pot-pies, and deserve no better fate.

  Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren?
  With his pretty, joyous carol, which should thrill the heart of men?
  Now _that_ is _music_, mind you! And how small the throat that
  sings!
  Besides, he lets your fruit alone, and lives on other things!
  Inspired by this trim fairy, many souls will swell the strain:
  _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_

       *       *       *       *       *

CAUTION!

There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years,
having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a
completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing
to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and
good tempered.

The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr.
PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as
any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and
affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put
under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long
period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our
money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs
left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris
from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his
contracting.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE NEW PLEA FOR MURDER

MAN WITH REVOLVER. "OF COURSE I'VE KILLED HIM, BUT IT'S NO MURDER, FOR
I'M INSANE. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, THERE'S MY MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

CONDENSED CONGRESS.

SENATE.

[Illustration: D]

DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of
hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in
Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred
to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore,
and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to
the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his
sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively
happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from
voting against him. That would make his reelection a pretty sure thing.

Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People
were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull
Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than
the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army.
As for DRAKE, he was a _canard_, and his statement was another. He did
not approve of the bloody Drakonian code.

Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered
that FERRY was a Copperhead.

Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be
done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not
only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative,
and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While
his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough
to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear.
Hear.)

Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He
considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the
glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the
removal of the disabilities.

HOUSE.

Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation
bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out
that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for
the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time.
Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the
huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself.
Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely
shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American
hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped
the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy
on their souls.

KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance.

       *       *       *       *       *

SPENCERIAN CHAFF.

BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE.

  If, in the "opening" of my learned friend
          (Whose record I intend
  Most handsomely and warmly to defend,)
  You fancy that you now and then perceive
  A word or phrase one hardly can conceive
          Was uttered "by your leave;"
  If--going further in my supposition--
          You fancy his condition
  In some respects was not above suspicion;
  If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes--
          As there may be in crimes,)
  You think it strange, what men will do for dimes;
          Why, it is plainly due
                To you,
          And noble SPENCER, too,
  That I should straightway boil with legal rage
  At such injustice, and at once engage
  To right the matter, on this virtuous page.

          I fear, my captious friend,
  (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend
          The Majesty of Law!
  Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection!
          It is not merely Jaw!
  Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,)
  If for this thing you have no greater awe,
          You need correction!
  Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir,
  The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur?
  True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge
  As though he were a plain American.
          But, fudge!
  _He_ never minds; he's not a gentleman!
  True, it is now and then our legal lot
  To teach a stupid witness what is what,
          Or show that he (or she)
  Is rather worse than he (or she) should be;
          We find it necessary,
                Very,
  To blacken what we have no doubt is white,
  And whiten what is very black indeed.
                Agreed!

  But ask the Client what _he_ thinks is right!
  He may not care to see us fairly _fight,_
          (It _is not_ a pleasant sight,)
  Or hear us curse till all is black as night,
  For the whole Jury might perchance take fright;
  But _he_ knows whether he is ably served!
  Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright)
  Is always either angular or curved.
          Now, pray, no bosh
  About the _habit of defending crime_
  Dulling the sensibilities in time!
          The theory won't wash!
  Once place my colleague on the other side,
  You'd say, This lawyer should be deified!
  Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal!
  Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal!
          You would perceive
  (At least, you would be ready to believe,)
  That, noting all the most abhorred deeds
  Known to our records, this affair must needs
  Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain.
          And then, again----

  But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see
  You're one of those odd folks who don't agree
  With _any_ body. _You_ are not to pass
  On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass.
  I'd like to have you on the stand a minute!
          You'd think the deuce was in it!
  _I'd_ shake the humdrums out of you, I guess!
          You'd presently confess
          You thought that No was Yes.
  It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry--
          We like to worry.
  In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know
          Your father from JIM CROW,
  Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY!
          And now then, dunce,
          Please move your boots, at once!
  If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout,
          I'd _kick_ you out!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A NEAT TURN

_Mrs. Twigg_. "GOOD GRACIOUS! JOHN--YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING!"

_Mr. Twigg_. "NORADROP, MY DEAR, _hic_, NORADROP. I'VE ONLY COME UP
_hic_, BY THE _hic, hic_, EL'VATED RAILWAY!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR PORTFOLIO.

Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage,
much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what
refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt
that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion.
To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the
laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes
parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which
is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had
under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might
happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which
"gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have
suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved
spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After
considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen
upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple,
and that of itself should be a strong recommendation.

Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about
three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the
same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole
boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within
twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to
drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky,
being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge
well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to
the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the
nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete.

       *       *       *       *       *

An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge
of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks
with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with
great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in
pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great
dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of
that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact
that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the
French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions."
Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris,
owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have
been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the
impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed
entirely to the devices of a Parisian _cuisine_.

This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach
from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is
related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and
spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter
like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse
liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to
acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any
seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian
_restaurateur_ in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so
both prosper.

       *       *       *       *       *

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

_Georgia_. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you
want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the
Washington _Chronicle_. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of
your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject.

_Anxious Inquirer_. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will
shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr.
DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery.

_Traveller_. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to
pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is
given to them.

_Dramatical_. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have
a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from _Julius
Caesar_, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS:
                       --"Farewell BRUTUS!
  If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed."
_Act V. Scene 1._

_Hoyle_. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen
through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce.

_Henry Jones_. No. You are wrong. _Sic semper tyrannis, does not_ mean
_"Tyrants are always sick."_

_Villikens_. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of
WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S
Dictionary.

_Cornet_. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of
"Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you
will find the air any thing but fresh.

_Gin-and-Milk_. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs
in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy.

_Chutney_. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is
not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN.

_Sculp_. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human
figure?

_Answer_. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great
American Sculptor. It is _in_ our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek
Slave.

_Richard III_. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the
stage. How can I be fitted for it?

_Answer_. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for
Measure."

_Debrett_. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath?

_Answer_. Towels and Soap.


       *       *       *       *       *

NAPOLEON'S LATEST MANIFESTO TO THE FRENCH PEOPLE.

[Illustration: T]

  True citizens of France I've the very great felicity--
    It almost overpowers me as you well can understand;
  To give to the proud triumph of my policy publicity,
    Majority six millions. Ah! _Mon Dieu!_ but it is grand.

  'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority,
    Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance;
  But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majority
    Have proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France.

  Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries
    The issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense;
  And although the rowdy _Faubourgs_ tried a few of their Tom-fooleries,
    My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence.

  I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks--
    Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile,
  I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks,
    More in pity that in anger hear the roar of the _Canaille_.

  The _Drapeau Rouge is down_--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN
    Are as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn;
  And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in,
    I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn.

  Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical,
    Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!"
  They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numerical
    Their Creed declares all policy should either live or die.

  To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee
    All swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago,
  All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee,
    Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'"

  She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate,
    From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine;
  And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate,
    They _know_ this is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE.

       *       *       *       *       *

The Dominion Again.

What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be
satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister
of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned
their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the
domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of
looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is
"factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say.

       *       *       *       *       *

SCIENCE FOREVER!

MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of
the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby
announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will,
if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the
elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on
the following subjects:

1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of
Washington to Chicago.

2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence.

3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts
of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago.

4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures
of the Chicago Police.

5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent
experiments.)

6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain.

7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power.

MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different
scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede,
Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation
from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious
trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the
West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that
they labor under the most hideous of delusions.

       *       *       *       *       *

A Midsummer Reading of Shakspeare.

  It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote--
      "When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil."

       *       *       *       *       *

A Dead Beat to the Windward.

MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FISHERY QUESTION.

[Illustration: S]

Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be
anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the
fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their
rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is
considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are
also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the
fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of
"Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the
serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the
fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic.

Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of
this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures
may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having
every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor
Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the
troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and
complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides
from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the
banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an
"occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer
equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people,
though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would
doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper
of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with
"SCHUFELDT don't bother us!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DEPLORABLE ACCIDENT TO THAT FASHIONABLE YOUNG MAN
ALGERNON TYBALT PIPKINS, WHOSE HAT HAS BEEN BLOWN THROUGH THE RAILINGS
OF WASHINGTON PARK JUST AS THE MISSES ABINGDON ARE PASSING.]

       *       *       *       *       *

OF MYTHOLOGY.

Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to
distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and
heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my
doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used
to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies"
of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article.
The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from
which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer
could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and
so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign
announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the
service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business
without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The
advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon.

We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important
gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We
therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of
Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed
a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world,
and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power
undisturbed.

JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who
lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to
surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female
servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at
night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that
he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to
LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him
"an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman
appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to
call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too,
in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that
eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that
he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way
of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of
BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a
child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to
meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One
can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of
gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in
ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a
sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane
husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely
punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who
used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable
spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake
night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was,
_ex-officio_, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed
a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking
them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles,
such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of
the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he
placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction
with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted
for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows
what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the
Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is
well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey
still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S
reformation.

       *       *       *       *       *

Imperial Conundrum with an Irreconcilable Answer.

Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of
newspaper enterprises?

Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted.

       *       *       *       *       *

A Hanging that Ought to be "Played Out."

That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design.

       *       *       *       *       *

Apropos of Theodora Thomas' Concerts.

Come into the garden Maudlin.

       *       *       *       *       *

TO OUR READERS.

Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO
regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of
this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy.

Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no
newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it
at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other
illustrated paper.

However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered
by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class,
it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The
best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their
subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in
$4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid
premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this
number.

By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at
their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being
imposed on.

       *       *       *       *       *

A. T. STEWART & CO.

ARE OFFERING

EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN

French and English Carpets, Carpetings,
Cocoa and Canton Matting,
English and Domestic Oil Cloths,
PLAIN AND BROCHE SATIN
DAMASKS, BROCATELS,
TAPESTRIES, REPS, ETC., Imported expressly for

Furniture Coverings and Curtain Materials.

BROADWAY,

Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.

       *       *       *       *       *

HOUSEKEEPING GOODS.

SHIRTING LINENS, PILLOW-CASE
LINENS, SHEETINGS,

Damasks, Napkins,
_Towels, Towelings, Blankets,
Quilts,_

COUNTERPANES, FLANNELS.

ALSO

FRENCH AND BARNSLEY SHEETINGS, EXTRA
QUALITY DRESDEN DOUBLE DAMASK
TABLE-CLOTHS AND
NAPKINS.

EMBROIDERED, LACE AND NOTTINGHAM
CURTAINS, GUIPURE CURTAINS, AND
SWISS DRAPERY BY THE YARD.

THE ABOVE ARE OFFERED
At Greatly Reduced Prices.

A.T. Stewart & Co.,

BROADWAY,
4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts.

       *       *       *       *       *

A. T. STEWART & CO.

ARE OFFERING

AT A GREAT REDUCTION FROM
FORMER PRICES,

LADIES' PARIS-MADE SILK AND POPLIN DRESSES.
MISSES' AND CHILDRENS' PARIS, LONDON
AND DOMESTIC-MADE PLAIN, BRAIDED
AND EMBROIDERED PIQUE SUITS AND DRESSES,
LADIES' PLAIN AND EMBROIDERED
SKIRTS, EXTRA RICH,
LADIES' AND MISSES' SILK AND FANCY CLOTH
SACQUES, CLOAKS, ETC.

Paris and Domestic-Made Bonnets.

_Plain Centre, with Handsome Borders,_

REAL INDIA CAMELS HAIR SHAWLS, FROM
$50 UPWARD.

BLACK ARABIAN LUSTERS, IRON GRENADINES,
BLACK CASHMERES, TAMISE CLOTHS,
BLACK ALPACAS, PRINTED FOULARDS, ETC.

The above will be exhibited on separate counters in the 10th
Street, section.

BROADWAY,

Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets.

       *       *       *       *       *

A. T. Stewart & Co.

HAVE FOR SALE

A SPLENDID STOCK OF EVERY VARIETY
OF BOYS' CLOTHING.

ALSO

_Cloths, Cassimeres, Linen Drills,
Twills, White Corduroys, Fancy
Cloakings, Tailors' Trimmings,
Ladies' Dress and Cloak Trimmings,
Gimp, Fringes, Braids,
Buttons, Superior Quality
Spool Cotton, Perfumery,
Toilet Articles, etc., etc._

At Popular Prices.

BROADWAY,

Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets.

       *       *       *       *       *

SPECIAL

PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS.

By special arrangement with

L. PRANG & CO.,

we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers to
PUNCHINELLO:

"Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size,
8 3-8 by 11 1-8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for
one year, for $4.00.

"Wild Roses." Chromo, 12 1-8 by 9, price $3.00, or any
other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for
$5.00.

"The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16 1-4,
price $6.00 or any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00,
and a copy of the paper for one year, for $7.00.

"Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt,
18 1-8 by 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and
a copy of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four Chromos,
and four copies of the paper for one year in one order, for
clubs of FOUR, for $23.00.

We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S
Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is not
satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for clubs to
any amount, and to agents.

Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty
cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; the CHROMOS
will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money.

Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank
Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be
sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise
ordered.

Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be offered
for a limited time only. On receipt of a postage-stamp we will
send a copy of No. 1 to any one desiring to get up a club.

Address

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,

P. O. BOX 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A DISTRESSING SITUATION.

_Bridget, (responsively to Kate_.) "WHAT'S THE MATTHER WID ME, IS
IT? AH! THEN, THERE'S MATTHER ENOUGH. HERE'S THE MISSIS GONE OUT WID THE
KAY OF HER WARDROBE, AND ME OBLEEGED TO GO IN ME OULD DUDS AND SHOW
CINTRAL PARK TO ME COUSIN DINNIS JUST COME OUT FROM CORK!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

"The Printing House of the United States."

GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,

General JOB PRINTERS,

BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,
STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail,
LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,
COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,
CARD Manufacturers,
ENVELOPE Manufacturers,
FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.

163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,
73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.

ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate
supervision of the proprietors.

       *       *       *       *       *

Bowling Green Savings-Bank,

33 BROADWAY,

NEW-YORK.

Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.


Deposit of any sum from Ten Cents to Ten
Thousand Dollars, will be received.


Six Per Cent Interest, Free of
Government Tax.


INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS

Commences on the first of every month.

HENRY SMITH, _President_.

REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_.

WALTER ROCHE,)
EDWARD HOGAN,) _Vice-Presidents_.

       *       *       *       *       *

SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER.

A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHE!--A GREAT
REMEDY FOR INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.--

Keeps the blood cool and regulates the stomach. Persons subject
to headache can insure themselves freedom from this malady
by drinking it liberally in the morning before breakfast.

Sold by JOHN F. HENRY, at the U.S. Family Medical
Depot, 8 College Place, New-York.

       *       *       *       *       *

PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to oil
paintings. Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world.

PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Four Seasons," by J. M. Hart. Illustrated
catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp by

L. PRANG & CO., Boston.

       *       *       *       *       *

PUNCHINELLO.

TERMS TO CLUBS


WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS

FIRST:

_DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,_

The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning
purposes.

SECOND:

_BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES._

These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;
and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind
of crochet or fancy work upon them.

THIRD:

_BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER._

This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits
every thing.

FOURTH:

_AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE._

This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and
Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole
parts, etc., price, $60.

WE WILL SEND THE

Family Spinner,                     price, $3, for 4 subscribers and $16.
No. 1 Crochet,                        "     8,  "  4      "       "   16.
 "  2   "                             "    15,  "  6      "       "   24.
 "  1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,  "    30,  " 12      "       "   43.
 " 12     "        "     84    "      "    33,  " 13      "       "   52.
No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price,37, for 15 subscribers and 60.
No.4      "       "    2   cylinders )  "  40,  "  16      "       "  64.
                        1  72 needles )
                        1 100 needles )

No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price $75, for 30
                                                    subscribers and $120.
No.2         "   without buttonhole parts, etc.,        60,  "  25
                                                      "       "      100.

Descriptive Circulars

Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.

Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.

Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on
New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters,
which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by express must
be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.

Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State.

The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly
in advance at the place where it is received. Subscribers in the British
Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to subscription.

All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,

P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street,

NEW-YORK

       *       *       *       *       *

S. W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.









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Saturday, June 4, 1870, by Various

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