initial commit of ebook 9443HEADmain

1 files changed, 1665 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/9443.txt b/9443.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8d9951f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/9443.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1665 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Samantha Among the Brethren, Part 1.
+by Josiah Allen's Wife (Marietta Holley)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Samantha Among the Brethren, Part 1.
+
+Author: Josiah Allen's Wife (Marietta Holley)
+
+Release Date: August 10, 2004 [EBook #9443]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SAMANTHA AMONG THE BRETHREN, ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David Widger and PG Distributed
+Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+
+SAMANTHA
+
+AMONG THE BRETHREN.
+
+By
+
+"Josiah Allen's Wife"
+
+(Marietta Holley)
+
+
+Part 1
+
+
+_With Illustrations_.
+
+
+
+
+1890
+
+
+
+
+TO
+
+All Women
+
+WHO WORK, TRYING TO BRING INTO DARK LIVES
+
+THE BRIGHTNESS AND HOPE OF A
+
+BETTER COUNTRY,
+
+_THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED_.
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+Again it come to pass, in the fulness of time, that my companion, Josiah
+Allen, see me walk up and take my ink stand off of the manteltry piece,
+and carry it with a calm and majestick gait to the corner of the settin'
+room table devoted by me to literary pursuits. And he sez to me:
+
+"What are you goin' to tackle now, Samantha?"
+
+And sez I, with quite a good deal of dignity, "The Cause of Eternal
+Justice, Josiah Allen."
+
+"Anythin' else?" sez he, lookin' sort o' oneasy at me. (That man
+realizes his shortcomin's, I believe, a good deal of the time, he duz.)
+
+"Yes," sez I, "I lay out in petickuler to tackle the Meetin' House. She
+is in the wrong on't, and I want to set her right."
+
+Josiah looked sort o' relieved like, but he sez out, in a kind of a pert
+way, es he set there a-shellin corn for the hens:
+
+"A Meetin' House hadn't ort to be called she--it is a he."
+
+And sez I, "How do you know?"
+
+And he sez, "Because it stands to reason it is. And I'd like to know
+what you have got to say about him any way?"
+
+Sez I, "That 'him' don't sound right, Josiah Allen. It sounds more right
+and nateral to call it 'she.' Why," sez I, "hain't we always hearn about
+the Mother Church, and don't the Bible tell about the Church bein'
+arrayed like a bride for her husband? I never in my life hearn it called
+a 'he' before."
+
+"Oh, wall, there has always got to be a first time. And I say it sounds
+better. But what have you got to say about the Meetin' House, anyway?"
+
+"I have got this to say, Josiah Allen. The Meetin' House hain't a-actin'
+right about wimmen. The Founder of the Church wuz born of woman. It wuz
+on a woman's heart that His head wuz pillowed first and last. While
+others slept she watched over His baby slumbers and His last sleep. A
+woman wuz His last thought and care. Before dawn she wuz at the door of
+the tomb, lookin' for His comin'. So she has stood ever sense--waitin',
+watchin', hopin', workin' for the comin' of Christ. Workin', waitin' for
+His comin' into the hearts of tempted wimmen and tempted men--fallen men
+and fallen wimmen--workin', waitin', toilin', nursin' the baby good
+in the hearts of a sinful world--weepin' pale-faced over its
+crucefixion--lookin' for its reserection. Oh how she has worked all
+through the ages!"
+
+"Oh shaw!" sez Josiah, "some wimmen don't care about anythin' but crazy
+work and back combs."
+
+I felt took down, for I had been riz up, quite considerble, but I sez,
+reasonable:
+
+"Yes, there are such wimmen, Josiah, but think of the sweet and saintly
+souls that have given all their lives, and hopes, and thoughts to the
+Meetin' House--think of the throngs to-day that crowd the aisles of
+the Sanctuary--there are five wimmen to one man, I believe, in all the
+meetin' houses to-day a-workin' in His name. True Daughters of the King,
+no matter what their creed may be--Catholic or Protestant.
+
+"And while wimmen have done all this work for the Meetin' House, the
+Meetin' House ort to be honorable and do well by her."
+
+"Wall, hain't _he_?" sez Josiah.
+
+"No, _she_ hain't," sez I.
+
+"Wall, what petickuler fault do you find? What has _he_ done lately to
+rile you up?"
+
+Sez I, "_She_ wuz in the wrong on't in not lettin' wimmen set on the
+Conference."
+
+"Wall, I say _he_ wuz right," sez Josiah. "_He_ knew, and I knew, that
+wimmen wuzn't strong enough to set."
+
+"Why," sez I, "it don't take so much strength to set as it duz to stand
+up. And after workin' as hard as wimmen have for the Meetin' House, she
+ort to have the priveledge of settin'. And I am goin' to write out jest
+what I think about it."
+
+"Wall," sez Josiah, as he started for the barn with the hen feed, "don't
+be too severe with the Meetin' House."
+
+And then, after he went out, he opened the door agin and stuck his head
+in and sez:
+
+"Don't be too hard on _him_"
+
+And then he shet the door quick, before I could say a word. But good
+land! I didn't care. I knew I could say what I wanted to with my
+faithful pen--and I am bound to say it.
+
+  JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE,
+  Bonny View,
+  near Adams, New York,
+  Oct. 14th, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+_Publishers' Appendix_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+
+When I first heard that wimmen wuz goin' to make a effort to set on a
+Conference, it wuz on a Wednesday, as I remember well. For my companion,
+Josiah Allen, had drove over to Loontown in a Democrat and in a great
+hurry, to meet two men who wanted him to go into a speculation with 'em.
+
+And it wuz kinder curious to meditate on it, that they wuz all deacons,
+every one on 'em. Three on 'em wuz Baptis'es, and two on 'em had jined
+our meetin' house, deacons, and the old name clung to 'em--we spoze
+because they wuz such good, stiddy men, and looked up to.
+
+Take 'em all together there wuz five deacons. The two foreign deacons
+from 'way beyond Jonesville, Deacon Keeler and Deacon Huffer, and
+our own three Jonesvillians--Deacon Henzy, Deacon Sypher, and my own
+particular Deacon, Josiah Allen.
+
+It wuz a wild and hazardous skeme that them two foreign deacons wuz
+a-proposin', and I wuz strongly in favor of givin' 'em a negative
+answer; but Josiah wuz fairly crazy with the idee, and so wuz Deacon
+Henzy and Deacon Sypher (their wives told me how they felt).
+
+The idee was to build a buzz saw mill on the creek that runs through
+Jonesville, and have branches of it extend into Zoar, Loontown, and
+other more adjacent townships (the same creek runs through 'em all).
+
+As near as I could get it into my head, there wuz to be a buzz saw mill
+apiece for the five deacons--each one of 'em to overlook their own
+particular buzz saw--but the money comin' from all  on 'em to be divided
+up equal among the five deacons.
+
+[Illustration: "A WILD AND HAZARDOUS SKEME."]
+
+They thought there wuz lots of money in the idee. But I wuz very set
+against it from the first. It seemed to me that to have buzz saws
+a-permeatin' the atmosphere, as you may say, for so wide a space, would
+make too much of a confusion and noise, to say nothin' of the jarin'
+that would take place and ensue. I felt more and more, as I meditated on
+the subject, that a buzz saw, although estimable in itself, yet it wuz
+not a spear in which a religious deacon could withdraw from the world,
+and ponder on the great questions pertainin' to his own and the world's
+salvation.
+
+I felt it wuz not a spear that he could revolve round in and keep that
+apartness from this world and nearness to the other, that I felt that
+deacons ought to cultivate.
+
+But my idees wuz frowned at by every man in Jonesville, when I ventured
+to promulgate 'em. They all said, "The better the man, the better the
+deed."
+
+They said, "The better the man wuz, the better the buzz saw he would be
+likely to run." The fact wuz, they needed some buzz saw mills bad, and
+wuz very glad to have these deacons lay holt of 'em.
+
+[Illustration: TALKING OVER THE BUZZ-SAW.]
+
+But I threw out this question at 'em, and stood by it--"If bein' set
+apart as a deacon didn't mean anything? If there wuzn't any deacon-work
+that they ought to be expected to do--and if it wuz right for 'em to
+go into any world's work so wild and hazardous and engrossin', as this
+enterprise?"
+
+And again they sez to me in stern, decided axents, "The better the man,
+the better the deed. We need buzz saws."
+
+And then they would turn their backs to me and stalk away very
+high-headed.
+
+And I felt that I wuz a gettin' fearfully onpopular all through
+Jonesville, by my questions. I see that the hull community wuz so sot on
+havin' them five deacons embark onto these buzz saws that they would not
+brook any interference, least of all from a female woman.
+
+But I had a feelin' that Josiah Allen wuz, as you may say, my lawful
+prey. I felt that I had a right to question my own pardner for the good
+of his own soul, and my piece of mind.
+
+And I sez to him in solemn axents:
+
+"Josiah Allen, what time will you get when you are fairly started on
+your buzz saw, for domestic life, or social, or for religious duties?"
+
+And Josiah sez, "Dumb 'em! I guess a man is a goin' to make money when
+he has got a chance." And I asked him plain if he had got so low, and if
+I had lived with him twenty years for this, to hear him in the end dumb
+religious duties.
+
+And Josiah acted skairt and conscience smut for most half a minute, and
+said, "he didn't dumb 'em."
+
+"What wuz you dumbin'?" sez I, coldly.
+
+"I wuz dumbin' the idee," sez he, "that a man can't make money when he
+has a chance to."
+
+But I sez, a haulin' up this strong argument agin--
+
+"Every one of you men, who are a layin' holt of this enterprise and
+a-embarkin' onto this buzz saw are married men, and are deacons in a
+meetin' house. Now this work you are a-talkin' of takin' up will devour
+all of your time, every minute of it, that you can spare from your
+farms.
+
+"And to say nothin' of your wives and children not havin' any chance
+of havin' any comfort out of your society. What will become of the
+interests of Zion at home and abroad, of foreign and domestic missions,
+prayer meetin's, missionary societies, temperance meetin's and good
+works generally?"
+
+And then again I thought, and it don't seem as if I can be mistaken, I
+most know that I heerd Josiah Allen mutter in a low voice,
+
+"Dumb good works!"
+
+[Illustration: "I HEERD JOSIAH MUTTER, 'DUMB GOOD WORKS!'"]
+
+But I wouldn't want this told of, for I may be mistook. I didn't fairly
+ketch the words, and I spoke out agin, in dretful meanin' and harrowin'
+axents, and sez, "What will become of all this gospel work?"
+
+And Josiah had by this time got over his skare and conscience smite (men
+can't keep smut for more'n several minutes anyway, their consciences are
+so elastic; good land! rubber cord can't compare with 'em), and he had
+collected his mind all together, and he spoke out low and clear, and in
+a tone as if he wuz fairly surprised I should make the remark:
+
+"Why, the gospel work will get along jest as it always has, the wimmen
+will 'tend to it."
+
+And I own I was kinder lost and by the side of myself when I asked the
+question--and very anxious to break up the enterprise or I shouldn't
+have put the question to him.
+
+For I well knew jest as he did that wimmen wuz most always the ones to
+go ahead in church and charitable enterprises. And especially now, for
+there wuz a hardness arozen amongst the male men of the meetin' house,
+and they wouldn't do a thing they could help (but of this more anon and
+bimeby).
+
+There wuz two or three old males in the meetin' house, too old to get
+mad and excited easy, that held firm, and two very pious old male
+brothers, but poor, very poor, had to be supported by the meetin' house,
+and lame. They stood firm, or as firm as they could on such legs as
+theirs wuz, inflammatory rheumatiz and white swellin's and such.
+
+But all the rest had got their feelin's hurt, and got mad, etc., and
+wouldn't do a thing to help the meetin' house along.
+
+Well, I tried every lawful, and mebby a little on-lawful way to break
+this enterprise of theirs up--and, as I heern afterwards, so did Sister
+Henzy.
+
+Sister Sypher is so wrapped up in Deacon Sypher that she would embrace a
+buzz saw mill or any other enterprise he could bring to bear onto her.
+
+"She would be perfectly willin' to be trompled on," so she often sez,
+"if Deacon Sypher wuz to do the tromplin'."
+
+Some sez he duz.
+
+Wall, in spite of all my efforts, and in spite of all Sister Henzy's
+efforts, our deacons seemed to jest flourish on this skeme of theirn.
+And when we see it wuz goin' to be a sure thing, even Sister Sypher
+begin to feel bad.
+
+She told Albina Widrig, and Albina told Miss Henn, and Miss Henn told
+me, that "what to do she didn't know, it would deprive her of so much of
+the deacon's society." It wuz goin' to devour so much of his time that
+she wuz afraid she couldn't stand it. She told Albina in confidence (and
+Albina wouldn't want it told of, nor Miss Henn, nor I wouldn't) that she
+had often been obleeged to go out into the lot between breakfast and
+dinner to see the deacon, not bein' able to stand it without lookin' on
+his face till dinner time.
+
+And when she was laid up with a lame foot it wuz known that the deacon
+left his plowin' and went up to the house, or as fur as the door step,
+four or five times in the course of a mornin's work, it wuz spozed
+because she wuz fearful of forgettin' how he looked before noon.
+
+She is a dretful admirin' woman.
+
+She acts dretful reverential and admirin' towards men--always calls
+her husband "the Deacon," as if he was the one lonely deacon who was
+perambulatin' the globe at this present time. And it is spozed that
+when she dreams about him she dreams of him as "the Deacon," and not as
+Samuel (his given name is Samuel).
+
+[Illustration: "THE INITIALS STOOD FOR 'MISS DEACON SYPHER.'"]
+
+But we don't know that for certain. We only spoze it. For the land of
+dreams is a place where you can't slip on  your sun-bonnet and foller
+neighbor wimmen to see what they are a-doin' or what they are a-sayin'
+from hour to hour.
+
+No, the best calculator on gettin' neighborhood news can't even look
+into that land, much less foller a neighborin' female into it.
+
+No, their barks have got to be moored outside of them mysterious shores.
+
+But, as I said, this had been spozen.
+
+But it is known from actual eyesight that she marks all her sheets, and
+napkins, and piller-cases, and such, "M. D. S." And I asked her one day
+what the M. stood for, for I 'spozed, of course, the D. S. stood for
+Drusillia Sypher.
+
+And she told me with a real lot of dignity that the initials stood for
+"Miss Deacon Sypher."
+
+Wall, the Jonesville men have been in the habit of holdin' her up as a
+pattern to their wives for some time, and the Jonesville wimmen
+hain't hated her so bad as you would spoze they all would under
+the circumstances, on account, we all think, of her bein' such a
+good-hearted little creeter. We all like Drusilly and can't help it.
+
+Wall, even she felt bad and deprested on account of her Deacon's goin'
+into the buzz saw-mill business.
+
+But she didn't say nothin', only wept out at one side, and wiped up
+every time he came in sight.
+
+They say that she hain't never failed once of a-smilin' on the Deacon
+every time he came home. And once or twice he has got as mad as a hen at
+her for smilin'. Once, when he came home with a sore thumb--he had jest
+smashed it in the barn door--and she stood a-smilin' at him on the door
+step, there are them that say the Deacon called her a "infernal fool."
+
+But I never have believed it. I don't believe he would demean himself so
+low.
+
+But he yelled out awful at her, I do 'spoze, for his pain wuz intense,
+and she stood stun still, a-smilin' at him, jest accordin' to the story
+books. And he sez:
+
+"Stand there like a----fool, will you! Get me a _rag!_"
+
+I guess he did say as much as that.
+
+But they say she kept on a-smilin' for some time--couldn't seem to
+stop, she had got so hardened into that way.
+
+[Illustration: "ONCE, WHEN HER FACE WUZ ALL SWELLED UP, SHE SMILED AT
+HIM."]
+
+And once, when her face wuz all swelled up with the toothache, she
+smiled at him accordin' to rule when he got home, and they say the
+effect wuz fearful, both on her looks and the Deacon's acts. They say he
+was mad again, and called her some names. But as a general thing they
+get along first rate, I guess, or as well as married folks in general,
+and he makes a good deal of her.
+
+I guess they get along without any more than the usual amount of
+difficulties between husbands and wives, and mebby with less. I know
+this, anyway, that she just about worships the Deacon.
+
+Wall, as I say, it was the very day that these three deacons went to
+Loontown to meet Deacon Keeler and Deacon Huffer, to have a conference
+together as to the interests of the buzz saw mill that I first heard
+the news that wimmen wuz goin' to make a effort to set on the Methodist
+Conference, and the way I heerd on't wuz as follows:
+
+Josiah Allen brought home to me that night a paper that one of the
+foreign deacons, Deacon Keeler, had lent him. It contained a article
+that wuz wrote by Deacon Keeler's son, Casper Keeler--a witherin'
+article about wimmen's settin' on the Conference. It made all sorts of
+fun of the projeck.
+
+We found out afterwards that Casper Keeler furnished nearly all the
+capital for the buzz saw mill enterprise at his father's urgent request.
+His father, Deacon Keeler, didn't have a cent of money of his own; it
+fell onto Casper from his mother and aunt. They had kept a big millinery
+store in the town of Lyme, and a branch store in Loontown, and wuz great
+workers, and had laid up a big property. And when they died, the aunt,
+bein' a maiden woman at the time, the money naturally fell onto Casper.
+He wuz a only child, and they had brung him up tender, and fairly
+worshipped him.
+
+They left him all the money, but left a anuety to be paid yearly to his
+father, Deacon Keeler, enough to support him.
+
+The Deacon and his wife had always lived happy together--she loved to
+work, and he loved to have her work, so they had similar tastes, and wuz
+very congenial--and when she died he had the widest crape on his hat
+that wuz ever seen in the town of Lyme. (The crape was some she had left
+in the shop.)
+
+He mourned deep, both in his crape and his feelin's, there hain't a
+doubt of that.
+
+Wall, Miss Keelerses will provided money special for Casper to be
+educated high. So he went to school and to college, from the time he was
+born, almost. So he knew plenty of big words, and used 'em fairly lavish
+in this piece. There wuz words in it of from six to seven syllables.
+Why, I hadn't no idee till I see 'em with my own eye, that there wuz
+any such words in the English language, and words of from four to six
+syllables wuz common in it.
+
+His father, Deacon Keeler, wouldn't give the paper to my companion, he
+thought so much of it, but he offered to lend it to him, because he said
+he felt that the idees it promulgated wuz so sound and deep they ought
+to be disseminated abroad.
+
+The idees wuz, "that wimmen hadn't no business to set on the Conference.
+She wuz too weak to set on it. It wuz too high a place for her too
+ventur' on, or to set on with any ease. There wuzn't no more than room
+up there for what men would love to set on it. Wimmen's place wuz in the
+sacred precinks of home. She wuz a tender, fragile plant, that needed
+guardin' and guidin' and kep by man's great strength and tender care
+from havin' any cares and labors whatsoever and wheresoever and
+howsumever."
+
+Josiah said it wuz a masterly dockument. And it wuz writ well. It
+painted in wild, glarin' colors the fear that men had that wimmen would
+strain themselves to do anything at all in the line of work--or would
+weaken her hull constitution, and lame her moral faculties, and ruin
+herself by tryin' to set up on a Conference, or any other high and
+tottlin' eminence.
+
+The piece wuz divided into three different parts, with a headin' in big
+letters over each one.
+
+The _first_ wuz, wimmen to have no labors and cares WHATSOEVER;
+
+_Secondly_, NONE WHERESOEVER;
+
+_Thirdly_, NONE HOWSUMEVER.
+
+The writer then proceeded to say that he would show first, _what_ cares
+and labors men wuz willin' and anxious to ward offen women. And he
+proved right out in the end that there wuzn't a thing that they wanted
+wimmen to do--not a single thing.
+
+Then he proceeded to tell _where_ men wuz willin' to keep their labors
+and cares offen wimmen. And he proved it right out that it wuz every
+_where_. In the home, the little sheltered, love-guarded home of the
+farmer, the mechanic and the artizen (makin' special mention of the buzz
+sawyers). And also in the palace walls and the throne. There and every
+_where_ men would fain shelter wimmen from every care, and every labor,
+even the lightest and slightest.
+
+Then lastly came the _howsumever_. He proceeded to show _how_ this could
+be done. And he proved it right out (or thought he did) that the first
+great requisit' to accomplish all this, wuz to keep wimmen in her
+place. Keep her from settin' on the Conference, and all other tottlin'
+eminences, fitted only for man's stalwart strength.
+
+And the end of the article wuz so sort of tragick and skairful that
+Josiah wept when he read it. He pictured it out in such strong colors,
+the danger there wuz of puttin' wimmen, or allowin' her to put herself
+in such a high and percipitous place, such a skairful and dangerous
+posture as settin' up on a Conference.
+
+[Illustration: "JOSIAH WEPT WHEN HE READ IT."]
+
+"To have her set up on it," sez the writer, in conclusion, "would
+endanger her life, her spiritual, her mental and her moral growth. It
+would shake the permanency of the sacred home relations to its downfall.
+It would hasten anarchy, and he thought sizm."  Why, Josiah Allen
+handled that paper as if it wuz pure gold. I know he asked me anxiously
+as he handed it to me to read, "if my hands wuz perfectly clean," and we
+had some words about it.
+
+And till he could pass it on to Deacon Sypher to read he kep it in the
+Bible. He put it right over in Galatians, for I looked to see--Second
+Galatians.
+
+And he wrapped it up in a soft handkerchief when he carried it over to
+Deacon Sypherses. And Deacon Sypher treasured it like a pearl of great
+price (so I spoze) till he could pass it on to Deacon Henzy.
+
+And Deacon Henzy was to carry it with care to a old male Deacon in Zoar,
+bed rid.
+
+Wall, as I say, that is the very first I had read about their bein' any
+idee promulgated of wimmens settin' up on the Conference.
+
+And I, in spite of Josiah Allen's excitement, wuz in favor on't from the
+very first.
+
+Yes, I wuz awfully in favor of it, and all I went through durin' the
+next and ensuin' weeks didn't put the idee out of my head. No, far from
+it. It seemed as if the severer my sufferin's wuz, the much more this
+idee flourished in my soul. Just as a heavy plow will meller up the soil
+so white lilies can take root, or any other kind of sweet posies.
+
+And oh! my heart! wuz not my sufferin's with Lodema Trumble, a hard plow
+and a harrowin' one, and one that turned up deep furrows?
+
+But of this, more anon and bimeby.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+
+Wall, it wuz on the very next day--on a Thursday as I remember well, for
+I wuz a-thinkin' why didn't Lodema's letter come the next day--Fridays
+bein' considered onlucky--and it being a day for punishments, hangin's,
+and so forth.
+
+But it didn't, it came on a Thursday. And my companion had been to
+Jonesville and brung me back two letters; he brung 'em in, leavin' the
+old mair standin' at the gate, and handed me the letters, ten pounds of
+granulated sugar, a pound of tea, and the request I should have supper
+on the table by the time that he got back from Deacon Henzy's.
+
+(On that old buzz-saw business agin, so I spozed, but wouldn't ask.)
+
+Wall, I told him supper wuz begun any way, and he had better hurry back.
+But he wuz belated by reason of Deacon Henzy's bein' away, so I set
+there for some time alone.
+
+Wall, I wuz goin' to have some scolloped oysters for supper, so the
+first thing I did wuz to put 'em into the oven--they wuz all ready, I
+had scolloped 'em before Josiah come, and got 'em all ready for the
+oven--and then I set down and read my letters.
+
+Wall, the first one I opened wuz from Lodema Trumble, Josiah's cousin on
+his own side. And her letter brought the sad and harrowin' intelligence
+that she was a-comin' to make us a good long visit. The letter had been
+delayed. She was a-comin' that very night, or the next day. Wall, I
+sithed deep. I love company dearly, but--oh my soul, is there not a
+difference, a difference in visitors?
+
+Wall, suffice it to say, I sithed deep, and opened the other letter,
+thinkin' it would kind o' take my mind off.
+
+And for all the world! I couldn't hardly believe my eyes. But it wuz! It
+wuz from Serena Fogg. It wuz from the Authoress of "Wedlock's Peaceful
+Repose."
+
+I hadn't heard a word from her for upwards of four years. And the letter
+brung me startlin' intelligence.
+
+It opened with the unexpected information that she wuz married. She had
+been married three years and a half to a butcher out to the Ohio.
+
+And I declare my first thought wuz as I read it, "Wall, she has wrote
+dretful flowery on wedlock, and its perfect, onbroken calm, and peaceful
+repose, and now she has had a realizin' sense of what it really is."
+
+But when I read a little further, I see what the letter wuz writ for. I
+see why, at this late day, she had started up and writ me a letter. I
+see it wuz writ on duty.
+
+She said she had found out that I wuz in the right on't and she wuzn't.
+She said that when in the past she had disputed me right up and down,
+and insisted that wedlock wuz a state of perfect serenity, never broken
+in upon by any cares or vexations whatsomever, she wuz in the wrong
+on't.
+
+She said she had insisted that when anybody had moored their barks into
+that haven of wedded life, that they wuz forever safe from any rude
+buffetin's from the world's waves; that they wuz exempt from any toil,
+any danger, any sorrow, any trials whatsomever. And she had found she
+was mistook.
+
+She said I told her it wuz a first-rate state, and a satisfactory one
+for wimmen; but still it had its trials, and she had found it so. She
+said that I insisted its serenity wuz sometimes broken in upon, and she
+had found it so. The last day at my house had tottled her faith, and her
+own married experience had finished the work. Her husband wuz a worthy
+man, and she almost worshipped him. But he had a temper, and he raved
+round considerable when meals wuzn't ready on time, and she havin' had
+two pairs of twins durin' her union (she comes from a family on her
+mother's side, so I had hearn before, where twins wuz contagious), she
+couldn't always be on the exact minute. She had to work awful hard; this
+broke in on her serenity.
+
+Her husband devotedly loved her, so she said; but still, she said, his
+bootjack had been throwed voyalent where corns wuz hit onexpected.
+
+[Illustration: "FOUR TWINS BROKE IN ALSO ON HER WAVELESS CALM."]
+
+Their souls wuz mated firm as they could be in deathless ties of
+affection and confidence, yet doors _had_ been slammed and oaths
+emitted, when clothin' rent and buttons tarried not with him. Strange
+actions and demeanors had been displayed in hours of high-headedness and
+impatience, which had skaired her almost to death before gettin'
+accustomed to 'em.
+
+The four twins broke in also on her waveless calm. They wuz lovely
+cherubs, and the four apples of her eyes. But they did yell at times,
+they kicked, they tore round and acted; they made work--lots of work.
+And one out of each pair snored. It broke up each span, as you may say.
+The snorin' filled each room devoted to 'em.
+
+_He_ snored, loud. A good man and a noble man he wuz, so she repeated
+it, but she found out too late--too late, that he snored. The house wuz
+small; she could _not_ escape from snores, turn she where she would. She
+got tired out with her work days, and couldn't rest nights. Her husband,
+as he wuz doin' such a flourishin' business, had opened a cattle-yard
+near the house. She wuz proud of his growin' trade, but the bellerin'
+of the cattle disturbed her fearfully. Also the calves bleating and the
+lambs callin' on their dams.
+
+It wuz a long letter, filled with words like these, and it ended up by
+saying that for years now she had wanted to write and tell me that I had
+been in the right on't and she in the wrong. I had been megum and she
+hadn't. And she ended by sayin', "God bless me and adoo."
+
+[Illustration: THE LECTURE.]
+
+The fire crackled softly on the clean hearth. The teakettle sung a song
+of welcome and cheer. The oysters sent out an agreeable atmosphere. The
+snowy table, set out in pretty china and glassware, looked invitin', and
+I set there comfortable and happy and so peaceful in my frame, that the
+events of the past, in which Serena Fogg had flourished, seemed but as
+yesterday.
+
+I thought it all over, that pleasant evenin' in the past, when Josiah
+Allen had come in unexpected, and brung the intelligence to me that
+there wuz goin' to be a lectur' give that evenin' by a young female at
+the Jonesville school-house, and beset me to go.
+
+And I give my consent. Then my mind travelled down that pleasant road,
+moongilded, to the school-house. It stopped on the door-step while
+Josiah hitched the mair.
+
+We found the school-house crowded full, fur a female lecturer wuz a
+rarity, and she wuz a pretty girl, as pretty a girl as I ever see in my
+life.
+
+And it wuz a pretty lecture, too, dretful pretty. The name of the
+lecture wuz, "Wedlock's Peaceful and Perfect Repose."
+
+A pretty name, I think, and it wuz a beautiful lecture, very, and
+extremely flowery. It affected some of the hearers awfully; they wuz
+all carried away with it. Josiah Allen wept like a child durin' the
+rehearsin' of it. I myself didn't weep, but I enjoyed it, some of it,
+first rate.
+
+I can't begin to tell it all as she did, 'specially after this length of
+time, in such a lovely, flowery way, but I can probably give a few of
+the heads of it.
+
+It hain't no ways likely that I can give the heads half the stylish,
+eloquent look that she did as she held 'em up, but I can jest give the
+bare heads.
+
+She said that there had been a effort made in some directions to try to
+speak against the holy state of matrimony. The papers had been full of
+the subject, "Is Marriage a Failure, or is it not?"
+
+She had even read these dreadful words--"Marriage is a Failure." She
+hated these words, she despised 'em. And while some wicked people spoke
+against this holy institution, she felt it to be her duty, as well as
+privilege, to speak in its praise.
+
+I liked it first rate, I can tell you, when she went on like that. For
+no living soul can uphold marriage with a better grace that can she
+whose name vuz once Smith.
+
+I _love_ Josiah Allen, I am _glad_ that I married him. But at the same
+time, my almost devoted love doesn't make me blind. I can see on every
+side of a subject, and although, as I said heretofore, and prior, I love
+Josiah Allen, I also love megumness, and I could not fully agree with
+every word she said.
+
+But she went on perfectly beautiful--I didn't wonder it brought the
+school-house down--about the holy calm and perfect rest of marriage, and
+how that calm wuz never invaded by any rude cares.
+
+How man watched over the woman he loved; how he shielded her from every
+rude care; kept labor and sorrow far, far from her; how woman's life wuz
+like a oneasy, roarin', rushin' river, that swept along discontented and
+onsatisfied, moanin' and lonesome, until it swept into the calm sea of
+Repose--melted into union with the grand ocian of Rest, marriage.
+
+And then, oh! how calm and holy and sheltered wuz that state! How
+peaceful, how onruffled by any rude changes! Happiness, Peace, Calm! Oh,
+how sweet, how deep wuz the ocian of True Love in which happy, united
+souls bathed in blissful repose!
+
+[Illustration: "HE HAD ON A NEW VEST."]
+
+It was dretful pretty talk, and middlin' affectin'.  There wasn't a dry
+eye in Josiah Allen's head, and I didn't make no objection to his givin'
+vent to his feelin's, only when I see him bust out a-weepin' I jest
+slipped my pocket-handkerchief 'round his neck and pinned it behind.
+(His handkerchief wuz in constant use, a cryin' and weepin' as he wuz.)
+And I knew that salt water spots black satin awfully. He had on a new
+vest.
+
+Submit Tewksbury cried and wept, and wept and cried, caused by
+remembrances, it wuz spozed. Of which, more anon, and bimeby.
+
+And Drusilly Sypher, Deacon Sypherses wife, almost had a spazzum, caused
+by admiration and bein' so highly tickled.
+
+I myself didn't shed any tears, as I have said heretofore. And what kep'
+me calmer wuz, I _knew_, I knew from the bottom of my heart, that she
+went too fur, she wuzn't megum enough.
+
+And then she went on to draw up metafors, and haul in illustrations,
+comparin' married life and single--jest as likely metafors as I ever
+see, and as good illustrations as wuz ever brung up, only they every one
+of 'em had this fault--when she got to drawin' 'em, she drawed 'em too
+fur. And though she brought the school-house down, she didn't convince
+me.
+
+[Illustration: "I MYSELF DIDN'T SHED ANY TEARS."]
+
+Once she compared single life to a lonely goose travellin' alone acrost
+the country, 'cross lots, lonesome and despairin', travellin' along
+over a thorny way, and desolate, weighed down by melancholy and gloomy
+forebodin's, and takin' a occasional rest by standin' up on one cold
+foot and puttin' its weery head under its wing, with one round eye
+lookin' out for dangers that menaced it, and lookin', also, perhaps, for
+a possible mate, for the comin' gander--restless, wobblin', oneasy,
+miserable.
+
+Why, she brought the school-house down, and got the audience all wrought
+up with pity, and sympathy. Oh, how Submit Tewksbury did weep; she wept
+aloud (she had been disappointed, but of this more bimeby).
+
+And then she went on and compared that lonesome voyager to two blissful
+wedded ones. A pair of white swans floatin' down the waveless calm,
+bathed in silvery light, floatin' down a shinin' stream that wuz never
+broken by rough waves, bathed in a sunshine that wuz never darkened by a
+cloud.
+
+And then she went on to bring up lots of other things to compare the two
+states to--flowery things and sweet, and eloquent.
+
+She compared single life to quantities of things, strange, weird,
+melancholy things, and curius. Why, they wuz so powerful that every one
+of 'em brought the school-house down.
+
+And then she compared married life to two apple blossoms hangin'
+together on one leafy bough on the perfumed June air, floatin' back and
+forth under the peaceful benediction of summer skies.
+
+And she compared it to two white lambs gambolin' on the velvety
+hill-side. To two strains of music meltin' into one dulcet harmony,
+perfect, divine harmony, with no discordant notes.
+
+Josiah hunched me, he wanted me to cry there, at that place, but I
+wouldn't. He did, he cried like an infant babe, and I looked close and
+searchin' to see if my handkerchief covered up all his vest.
+
+He didn't seem to take no notice of his clothes at all, he wuz a-weepin'
+so--why, the whole schoolhouse wept, wept like a babe.
+
+But I didn't. I see it wuz a eloquent and powerful effort. I see it was
+beautiful as anything could be, but it lacked that one thing I have
+mentioned prior and before this time. It lacked megumness.
+
+I knew they wuz all impressive and beautful illustrations, I couldn't
+deny it, and I didn't want to deny it. But I knew in my heart that the
+lonely goose that she had talked so eloquent about, I knew that though
+its path might be tegus the most of the time, yet occasionally it
+stepped upon velvet grass and blossomin' daisies. And though the happy
+wedded swans floated considerable easy a good deal of the time, yet
+occasionally they had their wings rumpled by storms, thunder storms,
+sudden squalls, and et cetery, et cetery.
+
+And I knew the divine harmony of wedded love, though it is the sweetest
+that earth affords, I knew that, and my Josiah knew it--the very
+sweetest and happiest strains that earthly lips can sing.
+
+Yet I knew that it wuz both heavenly sweet, and divinely sad, blended
+discord and harmony. I knew there wuz minor chords in it, as well as
+major, I knew that we must await love's full harmony in heaven. There
+shall we sing it with the pure melody of the immortals, my Josiah and
+me. But I am a eppisodin', and to continue and resoom.
+
+Wall, we wuz invited to meet the young female after the lecture wuz
+over, to be introduced to her and talk it over.
+
+She wuz the Methodist minister's wive's cousin, and the minister's wife
+told me she wuz dretful anxious to get my opinion on the lecture. I
+spoze she wanted to get the opinion of one of the first wimmen of the
+day. For though I am fur from bein' the one that ort to mention it, I
+have heard of such things bein' said about me all round Jonesville, and
+as far as Loontown and Shackville. And so, I spoze, she wanted to get
+hold of my opinion.
+
+Wall, I wuz introduced to her, and I shook hands with her, and kissed
+her on both cheeks, for she is a sweet girl and I liked her looks.
+
+I could see that she was very, VERY sentimental, but she had a sweet,
+confidin', innocent look to her, and I give her a good kissin' and I
+meant it. When I like a person, I _do_ like 'em, and visy-versey.
+
+But at the same time my likin' for a person mustn't be strong enough to
+overthrow my principles. And when she asked me in her sweet axents, "How
+I liked her lecture, and if I could see any faults in it?" I leaned up
+against Duty, and told her, "I liked it first-rate, but I couldn't agree
+with every word of it."
+
+Here Josiah Allen give me a look sharp enough to take my head clear off,
+if looks could behead anybody. But they can't.
+
+And I kept right on, calm and serene, and sez I, "It wuz very full of
+beautiful idees, as full of 'em as a rose-bush is full of sweetness in
+June, but," says I, "if I speak at all I must tell the truth, and I must
+say that while your lecture is as sweet and beautiful a effort as I ever
+see tackled, full of beautiful thoughts, and eloquence, still I must say
+that in my opinion it lacked one thing, it wuzn't mean enough."
+
+"Mean enough?" sez she. "What do you mean?"
+
+"Why," sez I, "I mean, mean temperature, you know, middleinness,
+megumness, and whatever you may call it; you go too fur."
+
+She said with a modest look "that she guessed she didn't, she guessed
+she didn't go too far."
+
+And Josiah Allen spoke up, cross as a bear, and, sez he, "I know she
+didn't. She didn't say a word that wuzn't gospel truth."
+
+Sez I, "Married life is the happiest life in my opinion; that is, when
+it is happy. Some hain't happy, but at the same time the happiest of 'em
+hain't _all_ happiness."
+
+"It is," sez Josiah (cross and surly), "it is, too."
+
+[Illustration: "YOU GO TOO FUR."]
+
+And Serena Fogg said, gently, that she thought I  wuz mistaken, "she
+thought it wuz." And Josiah jined right in with her and said:
+
+"He _knew_ it wuz, and he would take his oath to it."
+
+But I went right on, and, sez I, "Mebby it is in one sense the most
+peaceful; that is, when the affections are firm set and stabled it makes
+'em more peaceful than when they are a-traipsin' round and a-wanderin'.
+But," sez I, "marriage hain't _all_ peace."
+
+Sez Josiah: "It is, and I'll swear to it."
+
+Sez I, goin' right on, cool and serene, "The sunshine of true love gilds
+the pathway with the brightest radiance we know anything about, but it
+hain't all radiance."
+
+"Yes, it is," sez Josiah, firmly, "it is, every mite of it."
+
+And Serena Fogg sez, tenderly and amiably, "Yes, I think Mr. Allen is
+right; I think it is."
+
+"Wall," sez I, in meanin' axcents, awful meanin', "when you are married
+you will change your opinion, you mark my word."
+
+And she said, gently, but persistently, "That she guessed she shouldn't;
+she guessed she was in the right of it."
+
+Sez I, "You think when anybody is married they have got beyend all
+earthly trials, and nothin' but perfect peace and rest remains?"
+
+And she sez, gently, "Yes, mem!"
+
+"Why," sez I, "I am married, and have been for upwards of twenty years,
+and I think I ought to know somethin' about it; and how can it be called
+a state of perfect rest, when some days I have to pass through as many
+changes as a comet, and each change a tegus one. I have to wabble round
+and be a little of everything, and change sudden, too.
+
+"I have to be a cook, a step-mother, a housemaid, a church woman, a wet
+nurse (lots of times I have to wade out in the damp grass to take care
+of wet chickens and goslins). I have to be a tailoress, a dairy-maid,
+a literary soarer, a visitor, a fruit-canner, a adviser, a soother, a
+dressmaker, a hostess, a milliner, a gardener, a painter, a surgeon, a
+doctor, a carpenter, a woman, and more'n forty other things.
+
+"Marriage is a first-rate state, and agreeable a good deal of the time;
+but it haint a state of perfect peace and rest, and you'll find out it
+haint if you are ever married."
+
+But Miss Fogg said, mildly, "that she thought I wuz mistaken--she
+thought it wuz."
+
+"You do?" sez I.
+
+"Yes, mem," sez she.
+
+I got up, and sez I, "Come, Josiah, I guess we had better be a-goin'."
+I thought it wouldn't do no good to argue any more with her, and Josiah
+started off after the mair. He had hitched it on the barn floor.
+
+She didn't seem willin' to have me go; she seemed to cling to me. She
+seemed to be a good, affectionate little creetur. And she said she would
+give anything almost if she could rehearse the hull lecture over to me,
+and have me criticise it. Sez she:
+
+"I have heard so much about you, and what a happy home you have."
+
+"Yes," sez I, "it is as happy as the average of happy homes, any way."
+
+And sez she, "I have heard that you and your husband wuz just devoted to
+each other." And I told her "that our love for each other wuz like two
+rocks that couldn't be moved."
+
+And she said, "On these very accounts she fairly hankered after my
+advice and criticism. She said she hadn't never lived in any house where
+there wuz a livin' man, her father havin' died several months before she
+was born; and she hadn't had the experience that I had, and she presumed
+that I could give her several little idees that she hadn't thought on."
+
+And I told her calmly "that I presumed I could."
+
+It seemed that her father died two months after marriage, right in the
+midst of the mellow light of the honeymoon, before he had had time to
+drop the exstatic sweetness of courtship and newly-married bliss and
+come down into the ordinary, everyday, good and bad demeanors of men.
+
+And she had always lived with her mother (who naturally worshipped
+and mentally knelt before the memory of her lost husband) and three
+sentimental maiden aunts. And they had drawed all their knowledge of
+manhood from Moore's poems and Solomon's Songs. So Serena Fogg's idees
+of men and married life wuz about as thin and as well suited to stand
+the wear and tear of actual experience as a gauze dress would be to face
+a Greenland winter in.
+
+And so, after considerable urgin' on her part (for I kinder hung back
+and hated to tackle the job, but not knowin' but that it wuz duty's
+call), I finally consented, and it wuz arranged this way:
+
+She wuz to come down to our house some day, early in the mornin', and
+stay all day, and she wuz to stand up in front of me and rehearse the
+lecture over to me, and I wuz to set and hear it, and when she came to a
+place where I didn't agree with her I wuz to lift up my right hand and
+she wuz to stop rehearsin', and we wuz to argue with each other back and
+forth and try to convince each other.
+
+And when we got it all arranged Josiah and I set out for home, I calm in
+my frame, though dreadin' the job some.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+
+But Josiah Allen wuz jest crazy over that lecture--crazy as a loon. He
+raved about it all the way home, and he would repeat over lots of it
+to me. About "how a man's love was the firm anchor that held a woman's
+happiness stiddy; how his calm and peaceful influence held her mind in
+a serene calm--a waveless repose; how tender men wuz of the fair sect,
+how they watched over 'em and held 'em in their hearts."
+
+"Oh," sez he, "it went beyond anything I ever heard of. I always knew
+that men wuz good and pious, but I never realized how dumb pious they
+wuz till to-night"
+
+"She said," sez I, in considerable dry axents--not so dry as I keep by
+me, but pretty dry--"No true man would let a woman perform any manuel
+labor."
+
+"Wall, he won't. There ain't no need of your liftin' your little finger
+in emanuel labor."
+
+"Manuel, Josiah."
+
+"Wall, I said so, didn't I? Hain't I always holdin' you back from work?"
+
+"Yes," sez I. "You often speak of it, Josiah. You are as good," sez I,
+firmly, "full as good as the common run of men, and I think a little
+better. But there are things that have to be done. A married woman that
+has a house and family to see to and don't keep a hired girl, can't get
+along without some work and care."
+
+"Wall I say," sez he, "that there hain't no need of you havin' a care,
+not a single care. Not as long as I live--if it wuzn't for me, you might
+have some cares, and most probable would, but not while I live."
+
+I didn't say nothin' back, for I don't want to hurt his feelin's, and
+won't, not if I can help it. And he broke out again anon, or nearly
+anon--
+
+[Illustration: "OH, WHAT A LECTURE THAT WUZ."]
+
+"Oh, what a lecture that wuz. Did you notice when she wuz goin' on
+perfectly beautiful, about the waveless sea of married life--did you
+notice how it took the school house down? And I wuz perfectly mortified
+to see you didn't weep or even clap your hands."
+
+"Wall," sez I, firmly, "when I weep or when I clap, I weep and clap
+on the side of truth. And I can't see things as she duz. I have been
+a-sailin' on that sea she depictured for over twenty years, and have
+never wanted to leave it for any other waters. But, as I told her, and
+tell you now, it hain't always a smooth sea, it has its ups and downs,
+jest like any other human states."
+
+Sez I, soarin' up a very little ways, not fur, for it wuz too cold, and
+I was too tired, "There hain't but one sea, Josiah Allen, that is calm
+forever, and one day we will float upon it, you and me. It is the sea
+by which angels walk and look down into its crystal depths, and behold
+their blessed faces. It is the sea on whose banks the fadeless lilies
+blow--and that mirrors the soft, cloudless sky of the Happy Morning. It
+is the sea of Eternal Repose, that rude blasts can never blow up into
+billows. But our sea--the sea of married life--is not like that, it is
+ofttimes billowy and rough."
+
+"I say it hain't," sez he, for he was jest carried away with the
+lecture, and enthused. "We have had a happy time together, Josiah Allen,
+for over twenty years, but has our sea of life always been perfectly
+smooth?"
+
+"Yes, it has; smooth as glass."
+
+"Hain't there never been a cloud in our sky?"
+
+"No, there hain't; not a dumb cloud."
+
+Sez I, sternly, "There has in mine. Your wicked and profane swearin' has
+cast many and many a cloud over my sky, and I'd try to curb in my tongue
+if I was in your place."
+
+"'Dumb' hain't swearin'," sez he. And then he didn't say nothin' more
+till anon, or nearly at that time, he broke out agin, and sez he:
+
+"Never, never did I hear or see such eloquence till to-night I'll have
+that girl down to our house to stay a week, if I'm a living Josiah
+Allen."
+
+"All right," sez I, cheerfully. "I'd love to have her stay a week or
+ten days, and I'll invite her, too, when she comes down to rehearse her
+lecture."
+
+Wall we got home middlin' tired, and the subject kinder dropped down,
+and Josiah had lots of work come on the next day, and so did I, and
+company. And it run along for over a week before she come. And when she
+did come, it wuz in a dreadful bad time. It seems as if she couldn't
+have come in a much worse time.
+
+It wuz early one mornin', not more than nine o'clock, if it wuz that.
+There had come on a cold snap of weather unexpected, and Josiah wuz
+a-bringin' in the cook stove from the summer kitchen, when she come.
+
+Josiah Allen is a good man. He is my choice out of a world full of men,
+but I can't conceal it from myself that his words at such a time are
+always voyalent, and his demeanor is not the demeanor that I would wish
+to have showed off to the public.
+
+He wuz at the worst place, too. He had got the stove wedged into the
+entry-way door, and couldn't get it either way. He had acted awkward
+with it, and I told him so, and he see it when it wuz too late.
+
+He had got it fixed in such a way that he couldn't get into the kitchen
+himself without gettin' over the stove, and I, in the course of duty,
+thought it wuz right to tell him that if he had heerd to me he wouldn't
+have been in such a fix. Oh! the voyalence and frenzy of his demeanor as
+he stood there a-hollerin'. I wuz out in the wood-house shed a-bilin' my
+cider apple sass in the big cauldron kettle, but I heard the racket,
+and as I come a-runnin' in I thought I heard a little rappin' at the
+settin'-room door, but I didn't notice it much, I wuz that agitated to
+see the way the stove and Josiah wuz set and wedged in.
+
+There the stove wuz, wedged firm into the doorway, perfectly sot there.
+There wuz sut all over the floor, and there stood Josiah Allen, on the
+wood-house side, with his coat off, his shirt all covered with black,
+and streaks of black all over his face. And oh! how wild and almost
+frenzied his attitude wuz as he stood there as if he couldn't move nor
+be moved no more than the stove could. And oh! the voyalence of the
+language he hurled at me acrost that stove.
+
+"Why," sez I, "you must come in here, Josiah Allen, and pull it from
+this side."
+
+And then he hollered at me, and asked me:
+
+"How in thunder he was a goin' to _get_ in." And then he wanted to know
+"if I wanted him squshed into jelly by comin' in by the side of it--or
+if I thought he wuz a crane, that he could step over it or a stream
+of water that he could run under it, or what else do you think?" He
+hollered wildly.
+
+"Wall," sez I, "you hadn't ort to got it fixed in that shape. I told
+you what end to move first," sez I. "You have moved it in side-ways. It
+would go in all right if you had started it the other way."
+
+"Oh, yes! It would have been all right. You love to see me, Samantha,
+with a stove in my arms. You love it dearly. I believe you would be
+perfectly happy if you could see me a luggin' round stoves every day.
+But I'll tell you one thing, if this dumb stove is ever moved either way
+out of this door--if I ever get it into a room agin, it never shall
+be stirred agin so much as a hair's breadth--not while I have got the
+breath of life in me."
+
+Sez I, "Hush! I hear somebody a-knockin' at the door."
+
+"I won't hush. It is nothin' but dumb foolishness a movin' round stoves,
+and if anybody don't believe it let 'em look at me--and let 'em look at
+that stove set right here in the door as firm as a rock."
+
+[Illustration: "WON'T YOU BE STILL?"]
+
+Sez I agin in a whisper, "Do be still, and I'll let 'em in, I don't want
+them to ketch you a talkin' so and a-actin'."  "Wall, I want 'em to
+ketch me, that is jest what I want 'em to do. If it is a man he'll say
+every word I say is Gospel truth, and if it is a woman it will make her
+perfectly happy to see me a-swelterin' in the job--seven times a year do
+I have to move this stove back and forth--and I say it is high time I
+said a word. So you can let 'em in just as quick as you are a mind to."
+
+Sez I, a whisperin' and puttin' my finger on my lip:
+
+"Won't you be still?"
+
+"No, I won't be still!" he yelled out louder than ever. "And you may go
+through all the motions you want to and you can't stop me. All you have
+got to do is to walk round and let folks in, happy as a king. Nothin'
+under the heavens ever made a woman so happy as to have some man
+a-breakin' his back a-luggin' round a stove."
+
+I see he wouldn't stop, so I had to go and open the door, and there
+stood Serena Fogg, there stood the author of "Wedlock's Peaceful
+Repose." I felt like a fool. For I knew she had heard every word, I see
+she had by her looks. She looked skairt, and as surprised and sort o'
+awe-stricken as if she had seen a ghost. I took her into the parlor, and
+took her things, and I excused myself by tellin' her that I should have
+to be out in the kitchen a-tendin' to things for a spell, and went back
+to Josiah.
+
+And I whispered to him, sez I: "Miss Fogg has come, and she has heard
+every word you have said, Josiah Allen. And what will she think now
+about Wedlock's Peaceful Repose?"
+
+But he had got that wild and reckless in his demeanor and acts, that
+he went right on with his hollerin', and, sez he, "She won't find much
+repose here to-day, and I'll tell her that. This house has got to be all
+tore to pieces to get that stove started."
+
+Sez I, "There won't be nothin' to do only to take off one side of the
+door casin'. And I believe it can be done without that."
+
+"Oh, you believe! you believe! You'd better take holt and lug and lift
+for two hours as I have, and then see."
+
+Sez I, "You hain't been here more'n ten minutes, if you have that. And
+there," sez I, liftin' up one end a little, "see what anybody can do who
+is calm. There I have stirred it, and now you can move it right along."
+"Oh, _you_ did it! I moved it myself."
+
+I didn't contend, knowin' it wuz men's natural nater to say that.
+
+[Illustration: "AND HE SAID I HAD RUBBED 'EM OUT."]
+
+Wall, at last Josiah got the stove in, but then the stove-pipe wouldn't
+go together, it wouldn't seem to fit. He had marked the joints with
+chalk, and the marks had rubbed off, and he said I had "rubbed 'em out."
+I wuz just as innocent as a babe, but I didn't dispute him much, for I
+see a little crack open in the parlor door, and I knew the author of
+"Wedlock's Peaceful Repose" was a-listenin'.
+
+But when he told me for the third time that I rubbed 'em out on purpose
+to make him trouble, and that I had made a practice of rubbin' 'em out
+for years and years--why, then I _had_ to correct him on the subject,
+and we had a little dialogue.
+
+I spoze Serena Fogg heard it. But human nater can't bear only just so
+much, especially when it has stoves a dirtien up the floor, and apple
+sass on its mind, and unexpected company, and no cookin' and a threshin'
+machine a-comin'.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Samantha Among the Brethren, Part 1.
+by Josiah Allen's Wife (Marietta Holley)
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SAMANTHA AMONG THE BRETHREN, ***
+
+***** This file should be named 9443.txt or 9443.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/9/4/4/9443/
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David Widger and PG Distributed
+Proofreaders
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.